"In a city of 8 million, it's not always easy retaining your identity." "I'll never eat jell-o again!" "But when you also have trouble retaining your shape..." "That's when things get a little sticky." "Steady, boys." "Don't shoot till you see the light of its eyes." "I don't think it has any...." "What the hell is that?" "I don't know, but you'd better hand me that taser, 'cause it's breaking the law, starting with..." "Resisting arrest..." "Robbery..." "Mail fraud..." "And kidnapping too." "Better tack on sexual harassment just to be safe." "Randall, the sink's clogged again." "If you're gonna be pulling your eyebrows off, please use the strainer." "Oh, gross!" "There's enough hair here for a '70s porno." "I've got to get in there." "They're making me come in at work on my day-off." "Can you believe it?" "Randall?" "What?" "What's your problem?" "Well, it was a clogged sink, but that's not even in the top five anymore." "Who are you?" "I rent an apartment the weekend." "You talk to the zombie man, ok?" "I'm way ahead of you." "Randall, hi." "Why is there a yeti sitting my toilet?" "Yeah" " I do this every year for the yeti convention..." "It's like I rent my room out and stay in the van..." "And now I'm living large." "You're living inan." "Well, man, I'm not gonna live with the yeti." "Did you use my razor?" "Mais oui." "Zombie man said utilities were included." "That's not a utility." "That's..." "Wow!" "The least you could do is wear some shorts around here, man." "Well, well, look who decided to show up." "I cleared this with you." "Months ago." "I think I would have remembered that." "I sent an email..." "No." "A memo..." "No." "A notarized letter." "No." "The stripperram?" " - no." " Really?" "You don't remember the stripper-gram?" "No." "All right, look." "Truth is, we are uncomfortable leaving the department in Leonard's hands." "The security recording of the last time Leonard was in charge." "No, I don't know what it is." "He just showed up and demanded to speak with Nicole." "Huh?" "I know." "I told him that." "Hold on." "I think this is her." "Hello, Nicole?" "Oh, oh, I thought you were someone else." "Yes, as a matter of fact," "I am paying too much for health insurance." "Of course I'll hold." "That goes on for another 20 minutes." "Fine." "I'll get him started." "Then I go." "You know, you could always hire back the rest of the department." "Never." "So what is your country of origin?" "Right." "Well, maybe we should start with the easy ones." "Let's see, male or female?" ""If not applicable, jump to question 12." ""Question 12, are you now or have you ever been a member of the zombie party?"" "Wait, what?" "Oh, I must have grabbed the wrong application." "Thank God you're here." "May I speak with you privately for a moment?" "It doesn't appear to have any ears, but sure." "The truth is, I haven't put in a real day's work in about three years now." "What did you do with the files before I arrived?" "Pretty much just threw them out this window." "Well, lookie there." "So you did." "Blob." "Blob." "Blob, blob, blob, blob, blob." "Blob..." "Hmm." "Okay, first thing we need to do is figure out what the hell it is." "Did you just get bigger?" "I didn't know where it ended and Leonard began." "Are you okay?" "Is it shameful to say I loved it?" " I guess I should stick around." " Oh, no, you go ahead." "I'm well over 500 years old." "I should be able to handle this, right?" "Great." "You've got your clipboard." "You've got your pointy hat." "My number's on the fridge if you need anything." "You sure you'll be ok?" "Do wizards piss on their robes?" "Yes, we do." "We frequently piss on our robes." "So I said to her," ""look, you knew I was gonna ***."" "Escuse me." "Hi." "I don't want to be a buzz kill, but if you are going to throw a party..." "You need to check with me first." "Dude, you have the fanciest bathroom I've ever seen." "Seriously, who puts a queen-size bed in their bathroom?" "That's actually my bedroom." "Oh." "Then I guess I just took a dump in your bedroom." "Sorry, man." "You know, this isn't half bad." " *** - yeah, but not in a bad way." "Hey, what's up, cankles?" "You ever been in a human zombie 3 way?" "Yeah, I bet you have, you sassy cat." "Has anyone ever told you that you push too hard?" "I like to think of it as commitment." "You're gonna spend your whole day off sleeping when we can do whatever we want in here?" "Like what?" "We're in a rusting aerostar." "What, are you kidding me?" "We can play some journey, reenact silence of the lambs, whack off." "Wait, what was the last one?" "I said we could whack off." "I'm not going to do that." "Okay, I was keeping this as a surprise but you're in luck, my friend, because I know of a big barbecue bash that's happening right now down the shore." "Road trip." "Huh." "Beer, girls, food." "Plus, we need to move the van to the other side of the street by 5:00, so, what do you say?" "This isn't just another trip to Jersey, right?" "No." "No, no, no, no." "This is new Jersey." "What is the hold up?" "Ah, some zombie probably lost his hand in the change basket." "All these Jersey zombies really piss me off." "Yo, just 'cause I'm dead don't mean my time ain't precious!" "Look, blob, I'm gonna level with you." "I haven't always had a lot of success with my case files, but you've got the one thing they didn't have, a mostly sober me." "And I don't plan on failing you like I did the others." "Any questions before we start?" "Oh, I'm sorry." "I don't think of you that way." "Fortunately, every wizard has a book of magic tricks up his sleeve." "Mine just so happens to be Cosmopolitan." "Can I help you?" "Yeah, I'll have the all-american." "Uh..." "Tell me, what comes in the stew?" "Not brains..." "I see." "Would it be possible to...?" "No brain substitutions." "Oh, very well, the I will have a cup of your fines *** please." "That was odd." "Yeah, you can't get good brains outside the city anyway." "That's why I always carry a zombie ziploc." "How can you put that in your mouth?" "Randall fun fact:" "I only have two working taste buds." "Man, they really do move slower out here, don't they?" "Yeah, tell me about it." "These zombie townies still do the whole slow walk thing." "Dirty lake-dragger- hey, that's our word." "You don't get to call us that." "I guess there still is a lot of prejudice out here." "Must be hard coming back knowing that's all under the surface." "Yeah, it was at first." "You know, keeping it a secret." "Now it's way easier." "Yeah." "Yeah, I bet." "Oh, my God." "Yeah, they still get shot out here." "It's hard, but I get it." "Just hear them stumble around going..." "They can't even say "brains" right." "I don't believe it." "Well, it's just for sport, you know, zombie tipping, zombie hunting." "They rip the arm off the zombie..." "Put the arm back on the zombie..." "Zombie soccer..." "They're really just kicking them in the nuts." "That's not even a game." "There's something called "zape," which, believe me, you don't wanna know what that is." "You know, giving you the gift of speech might take a far more genius mind than either of ours, my friend." "Luckily, I'm connected." "So you see, Mr. Hawking, we figure only someone with your superior intelligence could find a way for our blob here to speak." "Any ideas?" "Of course." "The answer is quite simple, really." "A basic solution of potassium nitrate." "Combined with ordinary household products such as chlorin, sodium, *** *** voice box." "Wait, that guy makes wall-e sound like Josh groban." "All right, blob." "Let's see how you handle this baby." "I'm not a good typ" "I'm not a good type ass." "Assuming you meant "typist," I think we're okay." "On to phase two:" "Find the job that's right for you." "Mom, dad, I'm home." "This is your parents' house." "What happened to the big party?" "You said "girls"." "No, I said grills." "I can't help what you hear." "Randall, darling, it's so good to see you." "Mom, mark, mark, mom." "All right, come out when you're done." "Done with what?" "Hey, dad." "Talk to me during the commercial." "Always ducking out to be with his friends." "Nothing ever changes." "Mark, sit." "I'll get the photo album." "Maybe we could pull Roger away from his history channel!" "It was the '60s." "Women were burning bras." "Men were burning women, *** the zombies group of civil war." "Murder that leg-dragger." "Do I hear 1,000?" "1,000?" "Never try this at home, kid." "Yell-o." "Yo, Leonard, how's it shaking?" "Mark, what a surprise." "What are you calling in for?" "Just hiding in the bathroom at my roommate's parents house." "Any luck with blob?" "I set him up with a voice box and placed him at the government auction lot." "300?" "Anyone?" "300?" "I've got it completely under control." "What is this?" "A room full of jews?" "Oh, spoke to soon." "Looks like he's an anti-semite." "Here's Randall when he was just a baby." "Oh, look at his little hat." "And here he is at werewolfs-burg, Virginia." "And this is a piece of his umbilical cord." "Oh, nice." "Yeah, and here he is wearing my old army helmet." "Wait, you fought in the zombie war of 68?" "Of course." "You want to see my prized possession?" "Isn't it beautiful?" "Unfortunately the rest of him got away, but I got his thumb, yep." "Let's see that bastard try to review a movie now." "Oh, Roger, it's just a thumb." "Ironic, huh?" "You spent your youth fighting zombies and then your son becomes one." "One what?" "No, I'm saying it's admirable that you can love Randall the way you do despite his being a zombie." "This would be a great teachable moment for one of my group sessions." "He's saying Randall's a zombie?" "You know what?" "I'm gonna go see what that cold sack of flesh is up to." "What the hell was that back there?" "The [Bleep] If I know." "I'm assuming you meant to type "truck that I tow"?" "Don't be an ass[Bleep]." "Okay, these are getting harder to misinterpret." "Now, look, I've got one more job lined up, and then it's straight to the failure board with you." "Vito, how's it hanging?" "Like David carradine, my friend." "What can I do for you?" "Well, I thought that you could give my buddy boy here that busboy job." "That depends." "Does he have any experience?" "Do mermen swallow semen?" "Ooh, I got a kindred spirit here." "He he's gonna work out just fine." "Dude, that was frickin' awesome." "I can only do it twice now." "Hey, Vince, put one of them brain dogs in my good ha." "Hey, you get past your parents ok?" "The hoodie in the shades." "Oh, no, it's cool, they just think I'm a drug dealer." "Everybody knows I can hurt 'em, right?" "Hey, how about one of them zimas, Vince?" "Randall..." "Can I just..." "Grab you for one quick sec?" "What up, Pumpkin?" "This is probably gonna sound like a stupid question, but your parents already know that you're a zombie, right?" "Ofourse not." "But in the *** you said it was hard keeping it a secret." "Yeah, right, then I got way better at lying." "Well, here's the thing..." "I really think you should level with them, because I already kind of did..." "Oh, man, your dad is gonna kill you." "Yeah, that's his shooting gun, all right." "Randall honey, daddy wants to speak with you." "This is gonna suck." "Come on, guys." "Wasn't it obvious?" "I mean, he's blown his hand clean off his body." "He's taken a lawn dart in the neck." "They probably knew deep down, don't you figure?" "You want to know what happens to snitches out here?" "I can't say that I do." "Well, maybe it's time we took you for a ride." "Hey, blob, I gotta tell ya, you look awfully familiar to me." "You sure we never met?" "Not likely." "It's uncanny." "You got the personality of potty-mouth Pete and a hatred of jews like Joey the jew-hater." "That is crazy." "I guess it is, especially since they've all been whacked, but if they were still living, we'd have to put them down twice as hard." "Am I right, boys?" "Ha-ha." "Ha ha, go." "You don't have to do this, you know?" "Oh, we don't have to." "We want to." "You see that?" "Those are the marshlands." "Where the mob the buries its snitches." "You ain't seen nothing, got it?" "Look, guys, all I did was state the obvious." "Shut up!" "I'm not finished!" "You see, no one ever thinks to look back here." "Because is where the chemical plant dumps its toxic waste." "You didn't smell nothing, got it?" "All right, I'm sorry." "I should never have snitched on Randall." "Please don't kill me." "Kill you?" "We just thought you'd like to learn more about new Jersey." "Plus, Tony over here just got a new job as a tour guide, and he really needs the practice." "Shut up!" "I'm not finished!" "If you keep interrupting me, I'm gonna forget my spiel." "Now, over here, we have the pine barrens, where the first ever cultivated blueberries were developed in 1916." "What part of dead don't you understand?" "Wait." "Wait." "..Go back a bit." "Did you say the bodies are getting mixed together with the toxic waste?" "Now I got to look at the brochure." "Yeah, that's what it says." "By the way, you're really gonna have to work on your patter a little bit." "Leonard, it's mark." "Listen, I think I know where the blob comes from." "He's a what?" "No kidding." "The byproduct of mob snitches?" "Don't worry, I know just what to do." "Back in the saddle." "How could you go zombie on us, randal?" "After all we've done for you?" "Go easy on him, Roger." "It's not a choice." "Um..." "Actually, it was a choice." "I was trying to bang this hot chick but it turned out she liked warlocks, so I really misheard." "And did you think of your mother and I at that time?" "Honestly, I did my best not to." "You've left me little choice, randal." "Honey, move closer." "You father is not a very good shot." "Hey, blob." "Come." "Sit down for a second." "I want to talk to you." "I'm gonna speak robotic to blob." "Go ahead." "I like you, blob." "But I think there's something you're not telling me." "I have to take a dump." "And yet, you don't have to tell me everything." "I frisked him." "He's clean." "Hey, this is the lucky coin that belonged to Sammy the snitch." "That is ridiculous." "But for the record," "I saw carmine steal a meatball from your plate." "Roger!" "Smile big." "Wait till my army buddies see this, hurry up, ma, will ya?" "My knees are killing me." "Thank you, son." "That'll earn me some respect from the boys." "I just wish I had found out that you were a zombie sooner." "I could have brought the photo to the reunion." "This is a nice compromise, ma." "Good thinking." "We love you, son, flesh-eating corpse or not." "Oh, and here." "Your ear fell off the last time you came home." "I kept it in your scrapbook with your other stuff." "You knew all along." "A mother knows." "Also, here's your nose." "I found it in the sofa cushions." "Uh, that one's not mine." "Ew." "Look at that, citizenship and your picture in the paper." "Oh, I'd sure like a copy of that." "Oh, that's going on the success board." "Look who's a big [Bleep] Now." "And maybe a little music to drown out the vulgarity." "Hello, citizens." "Mark, glad you could join us, 'cause every time a bell rings, a wizard takes a shot." "I'm proud of you, Leonard." "You handled this all on your own." "Mark, my friend, I could have only done it without you." "Okay." "I thought you were bringing your zombie friend." "He's parking the van." "Why don't you move back to Jersey, you jerk?" "Hey, who turned off the lights?" "And stay dead." "Hey, thanks for the tip, Stevie." "The pleasure was mine." "Ew, this is all wet and stuff." "I just can't stop wondering where they placed him." "Don't feel bad, buddy, there'll be others." "That's sweet of you, mark, but unless they're telling me to [Beep] Myself..." "They won't be the same as the blob." "We're often told to stay away from 4 letter words like "[Bleep]" And "[Bleep]" And "jew-y."" "Maybe it's not the words we use but how we use them." "Then again, maybe it's just knowing when to keep your mouth shut." "All right, pop, I think that's enough practice for today." "This is great." "I love having a gay zombie as a son." "Wait, who's gay?"