"This is your chance to do something positive." "That's what community service is all about." "What is that?" "!" "Aargh!" "ALISHA'." "He's going to kill us." "You killed our probation worker!" "Do you want to go for a drink with me?" "I'm your probation worker." "You were just using me." "She was engaged to Tony, the first probation worker." "You've killed her!" "I didn't mean to kill her!" "It was an accident." " You look like a slut." " Are you for real?" "You don't need to behave like this." "You can be so much better." "Morning!" " They did something to her." " Like brainwashed her or something?" "Everyone was teasing me for being a virgin." "I'm a nice person." "Argh!" "What the fuck is going on?" "Since when did you run around, jumping off buildings?" "!" "Ever since I travelled back from the future." "You can't die!" "I love you." "I'll still be here." "Where did you get that?" " Guy in the mask." " Who is he?" "It's you." "If you become him, you're gonna leave me." "You're gonna travel back in time and you're gonna die." "And if I don't become him and travel back in time, you're going to die." " Promise me you won't go back." " I promise." "OK." "Now, then." "There's someone here..." "Someone here for you, madam." "There's a man..." "I think he says he misses your roast dinners." " It's my husband!" " He's saying, he's saying..." "He's saying something about a ring." " I lost my wedding ring." " A wedding ring." "Thank you." "It's in the U-bend of the sink of the downstairs bathroom." "OK, OK." "He says don't try and get it out yourself." "You'll only make a mess of it." "Get a plumber." "OK." "I will." " OK, OK, come on, thank you." "Now..." " Thank you." "Anyone else, anyone else?" "I'm getting a message from the spirit world." "It's for you..." "Does the name Sally...mean anything to you?" "She wants to know why?" "She just has to know why you did it." "Hello?" "You OK?" "I think I've just seen a ghost." "Why would there be a goat in the community centre?" "I didn't say a goat, I said there was a ghost, like the spirit of a dead person." "That makes more sense." "Who ever heard of a goat, just hanging out in a community centre?" "She was in the corridor." "I think it was Sally, the probation worker." "♪ The city breathing, the people churning" "♪ The conversating" "♪ The price is what?" "♪ The conversating" "♪ This place is heaven" "♪ And if you see them... ♪" "Who was that?" "Someone who wanted a power." "What, and you sold it to him?" "Well, that is what I do." "What?" "Your zombie ex-girlfriend tried to kill me, and you're still dealing powers like nothing's happened!" "How many times do I have to say I'm sorry?" "This has got nothing to do with what happened with Shannon." "Do you know what he's gonna do with the powers?" "No." "Cos as long as they've got money, you don't ask questions." "I sold him the power to caffeinate beverages." "It's harmless." "There was a guy who could control cheese and he was a fucking psycho!" "Oh, so it's all right when I'm buying drinks and spending money on you." " Where do you think it comes from?" " You think I'm with you for money?" "No, but I don't think you'd like it if I didn't have any, would ya?" "Girls never do." " What the fuck's the matter with you?" "!" " You're a selfish prick." "You killed me." "You owe me this." " I've always loved you." " Simon?" "Are you all right?" "What is it?" "I'd never do anything to hurt you." "Really?" "Because...that makes it sound like you're going to do something to hurt me." "No." "OK." "Well, try and look less guilty next time." "Now you're doing your staring thing." "Sorry." "Fuck's sake." "All right?" " Do you need change?" " What are you doing?" "Well, there's no probation worker, so I thought fuck it, smash your way into t' vending machine, but it's toughened glass!" "How desperate do they think people are to get a Twix?" "Stupid." "Bitch!" "Just forget about it." "Hi." "You're supposed to be dead." "That medium guy, he brought me back." "It's really good to see you." "And why are you here?" "What I did to you..." "I shouldn't have betrayed you like that." "I'm so sorry." "I'm sorry I killed you." "I didn't mean to." "No, I know you didn't." "It wasn't meant to be like that." "Everything with Tony and... my feelings for you." "Maybe that's why I'm here." "I think I've come back for you." "Simon?" " Simon, are you in there?" " Is that Alisha?" "Are you two together?" "How the hell did that happen?" "It's a long story." "What are you doing?" "I have to go." "Simon..." "Don't tell the others you've seen me again." "They wouldn't understand." "We'll figure out why I'm here." " Who are you talking to?" " No-one." "Myself." "You talk to yourself when you're taking a piss?" "Sometimes." "I thought we were going to the shop." "That's him." "That's the medium." "You, you fucking twat." "He said that you brought back the ghost of our dead probation worker." "Hey, what can I say?" "I communicate with the spirit world." "You were in that storm, weren't you?" "Nope." "Oh, mate, even I know you're lying." "And I thought it were a goat." "I was a complete fraud, I was making up all kinds of stuff." "Then the storm struck, and I could actually communicate with spirits." "Sometimes they come back and they're wandering round like real people." "The first time it happened, it was this kid, who drowned in a lake." "Spooky little fucker." "Scared the shit out of me!" "Why do they come back?" "Usually it's because they've got some unfinished business with the living, something they need to do before they pass over into the spirit world." "Some bollocks like that." "So, what's the story with you and this probation worker?" "Have you seen her again since she first appeared?" "No." "OK." "Let's see if we can communicate with her." "Are there any spirits who wish to communicate with somebody present in this room?" "Is anybody there?" "God, I knew this would be a load of bollocks." "What is this?" "Isn't that the girl who brainwashed us?" "That's really impressive." " Only that's the wrong spirit." " What's going on?" "It's that dickhead." "He brought you back." "OK, you guys." "Obviously you've got some issues to sort out, lots to talk about." "I've got to make some phone calls, so I'll leave you to it." "I'm Rudy." "Aloha." "It's Hawaiian." "Will someone please tell me why I'm here?" "Really?" "!" "You'd better not be here to fuck with us again." "Sorry about the whole brainwashing thing." "Got a little bit carried away." "Hey, don't sweat it." " It's fine." " You weren't even there!" "Yeah, I know, but you forgive and you forget, man." "And I forgive you." "For what?" "For whatever it was they were talking about." "What's it like?" "Being dead." "Well, the big news is there's no God." "Ohh, ho-ho!" "Thank fuck for that!" "I might've done one or two things that weren't exactly..." "Christian in the strictest sense of the word." "Well, none of it matters anyway, so..." "Yeah, if there's no God." "That's a result." "It's all right for you." "I dedicated my whole life to Him." "I was always so good." "I never swore or drank or took drugs." "I never even kissed a boy." "I was always just worrying about trying to do the right thing." "What's the right thing?" "Mm?" "You know, is it right to sleep with your best friend's mother?" " No." " Pfft..." "So, do you think this is why you came back, so you could do some stuff you missed out on?" "Well, you're already dead." "I don't think it could hurt." "You might actually enjoy it." "Would you like to see my penis?" "OK." "Yeah." "Fuck, yes!" "All right!" "I expect we'll have a few drinks first." "What are you doing here?" "Something I want to show you." "Yeah, what's that?" "Well, it's better if I show you." "Come on." "What's going on?" "I'm quitting dealing." "You were right." "I was behaving like a prick." "I don't want to lose you." "I fancy the arse off you when you look at me like that." "Dead moody and serious." "Well, that's what I was going for." "So, what are you gonna do?" "Well, I've got some money stashed away, so we could go on that holiday." "Get some sun." "Should've kept the desk." "Why's that?" "So we could shag on it." "Hey!" "Amazing." "This is fucking brilliant!" "What?" "Wait!" "Oh." "Jesus!" "Oh!" "Fuck off!" "It's the probation worker." "He's come back from the dead or something." "He's just chased me!" "The first one we killed is out there!" " You're so fucking horny." " Move!" " I want you to have sex with me!" " Wait!" "I'll do that." "I've already got a semi." "' Ah!" "You!" " You think you can try and kill us again?" " No!" "This time, you're going to stay dead!" "Stop hitting me!" " I'm not gonna hurt you." " You tried to kill us!" "Yeah, I know." "It was the storm." "It turned me psycho." "It's not who I am!" " Jesus, that hurt!" " So, why did you chase me just then?" "I was just trying to talk to you." "Trying to figure out why I'm here." "You know your girlfriend, Sally?" "Yeah..." "She's back, too." "At least, her spirit is." "Sally's dead?" "How did she die?" "You killed her as well?" "!" "They killed me too." "I'm a spirit like you." "Can we have sex now, please?" "I'm Rudy." "I'm new." "Where's Sally?" "Will you please have sex with me?" "Are you gonna shag a ghost?" "She's fucking dead!" "Only technically." "What would your mam say, eh, if she knew you were shagging a dead girl?" "You're better than that, mate." "I'll do it." "Come on." "I must find Sally." "Mmm..." "I miss chocolate." "Chocolate and cheese." "French cheese." "I don't suppose you brought any cheese with you, did you?" "They don't have French cheese in the vending machine." "You're different." "So much more confident." "You used to be so shy, the way you stared at me with those big, blue eyes." "I used to be worried about you, with the others." "A lot happened...since you..." "Smashed my head open on that door handle?" "How's the invisibility thing going?" "I haven't got it any more." "I can see into the future." "Really?" "What's going to happen?" "I don't know." "Do you know what else I miss?" "Wine." "Come on, let's go get a bottle of wine." "Come on." "Look, you killed me and put me in that freezer." "The least you can do is have a drink with me." "Sally?" "All right?" "That was fucking brilliant." "Simon?" "I've been thinking some more about why I'm here." "What I felt for you, it was genuine." "I wasn't just using you." "What is it?" "I had a vision of the future." "What did you see?" "Simon, please." "I need to figure out why I'm here." "We... we were kissing." "Then that must be it." "That's what I'm supposed to do." "You can't." "I'm with Alisha." "She'll never know." "She'll never find out." "I would've passed on." "I'll know!" "You've seen this." "You know this is supposed to happen." "I still have feelings for you." "I need to prove that to you." "I need to move on." "I can't." "You killed me." "You owe me this." "Do it for me." "I've always loved you." "Right, take it right down into your lungs and hold it." "Hold it." "Hold it." "Let all the lovely goodness sink in." "And...breathe." " I feel really fucking weird." " Yeah." "I'm guessing that's the E I sprinkled in there." "So, enjoy that." "Hmm." " What are you doing?" " We are relaxing." "Haven't head office sent another probation worker to replace Sally?" "Yeah, they sent someone." "Got stabbed to death by a coma girl who body-swapped with Kelly." "Shit happens." "The one they sent to replace him, she got attacked by a zombie cheerleader." "He battered her to death with a baseball bat." "Mmm." "She had a shocker of a day." "What happened to the vending machine?" "Oh, that's a funny thing, that." "I was carrying the fire extinguisher and I tripped and fell into it, repeatedly." " I'm off my fucking tits!" " Look at you." "You're out of control." "Completely immoral." "You're feral." "Right." "All we have ever done is defend ourselves from you and every other fucker that's tried to kill us." "We've done our best, and if you've got a problem with that, then fuck you!" "Like you're so perfect?" "!" "Sort your own shit out." "I think we've done all right, considering." "I think we've done more than all right, love." "Free chocolate." "I've got to find Sally." "I've always loved you." "How could you do that to me?" "You had sex with her...in our bed." "And...you send me a video of it." "Why would you do that?" "!" "It's not what you think." "I didn't have sex with her!" "I thought I was supposed to..." "You were supposed to cheat on me?" "!" "I was..." "I was trying to help..." "I trusted you!" "You can't do this!" "Alisha..." " I'm sorry, I..." " Don't!" "Don't fucking touch me." "It's not what you think." "It's complicated." "No, it isn't." "Alisha!" "Y Q"?" "Jesus!" "Will you...just stop hitting me!" "So, you met the old probation worker, then?" " Yeah, we've met." " What's going on?" " He's back too." "Seems OK." " Where've you been?" "There was something I had to..." " Whoa!" " ...do." "Whoa, man, she's 'gust been sick'.!" "Has anyone seen Alisha?" "Hurts, doesn't it?" "Why are you doing this?" "You killed Tony." "I want Simon to know how it feels to lose everything." "And I want him to know that you died hating him." "Sally!" "Don't do this." "Let her go." " They killed you." " It was the storm." "Turned me crazy." "You always said I had a temper." "I attacked them." "I would've killed them." "It was self-defence." "This isn't why you're here." "You're not here for revenge." "Let her go." "I have missed you so much." "I never thought I'd see you again!" "I didn't have sex with her." "I saw you." "I kissed her." "I thought I had to because I killed her." "As I was kissing her, all I could think about was you." "I never want to be with anyone else." "Kissing her only made me realise how much I love you." "I couldn't go through with it." "Great speech, and all that." "Very moving." "But he definitely should've fucked that probation worker." "That's a wasted opportunity, innit?" "Where are we going?" "What's going on?" "What's with all the tears?" "I did everything I thought I was supposed to do." "Got drunk, I took drugs." "I had sex." "And I've sworn like a cunt." "And I'm still here" " I haven't moved on." "And now I just feel cheap and dirty." "I feel sick and horrible." "I just want to know why I'm here." "Well, I think that takes a bit of working out." "You know the attractive older probation worker that the starey guy... didn't have sex with?" "Yeah, well, she thought she was here for revenge, you know, cos the others had killed her and everything." " Some spirits come back for revenge?" " Yep, but not her." "Turns out she came back to hook up with her... boyfriend, which is actually quite sweet and moving." "If you like that sort of thing." "Look at you." "You're so beautiful." "No!" "No, no...you smell of sick." "No, thank you." "Poor thing, she's in a right mess." "Shall I make her a cup of tea?" "Do ghosts even like tea?" "Do they...?" "Ooh." "Are you all right?" "You killed me." "And then you turned me into a nasty little slut." "Like you." "There's nothing wrong with us, mate." "You're the one with sick down your top." "You're everything I always hated." "Whoa!" "What are you doing?" "This is why I came back." " Revenge." " Listen, you don't mean that." "Yeah?" "I thought we were all gonna be friends here, weren't we?" "Let's not do this." "Eh?" "just put it down..." "No!" "Get an ambulance!" "No..." "Oh, Jesus!" "No!" "Alisha, no." "I can bring her back." "If that's what you want?" "She's dead." "She wouldn't want to be a zombie." "Don't." "Don't do that." "This is where I go back." "It all has to happen exactly like it happened." "What are you talking about?" "It was me." "I was the guy in the mask." "You're fucking serious?" "But... but you were there when... when he was there." "At the start, it was my future self." "He died and I became him." "I'm going to need to get some new powers." "Kelly said you wanted to see me." "I need Curtis's old power." "I put it in my iguana." "He's dead." "The power's gone." "I have to go back in time." "It has to be like this." "Right, well..." "There is another time travel power out there." "I sold it to this guy." "It's different to what he had." "There's no coming back." "Who did you sell it to?" "You all right?" "Can I tell you a secret?" "You know these powers?" "Well, I'm a fucking rocket scientist." "Me too!" "I mean, I've got a power." "I got it off this guy from the estate." "I'm gonna travel back in time." " No way!" " Seriously." "I am done working in a call centre." "I want excitement and adventures." "I'm gonna travel back in time... and become a pirate." "I've always wanted to shag a pirate." "What's this?" " What's going on?" " I was lying about shagging a pirate." "Seriously." "Who would fuck a pirate?" "!" " They get laid all the time." " You know that power I sold you?" "Turns out I'm going to need it back." "You can't have it." "I paid for it." "I need that power." "So, you all set?" "In the past, I could touch Alisha." "The power didn't work on me." "It was you." "What was him?" "The first power I ever sold was the immunity from other people's powers." "You came to see me." "I knew I recognised you." "I sold it to you." "And you gave me ten grand." "Now, you need to come and see me after you go back." "I don't have ten grand." "I do." "You're gonna give him ten grand?" "Yeah, well, he's gonna give it me back, so..." "I guess it's a loan." "Just go back and make Alisha fall in love with you all over again." "Promise me, yeah?" "I promise." "I'll see you soon." "That ain't normal." "She went to my school." "This one time, she's doing this boy I know in the back of her dad's car, yeah..." "She gets off him and sits on the gear stick." "She's on there for, like, 20 minutes, literally...uh-uh-uh!" "Uh-uh-uh!" "Uh-uh-uh!" "Uh-uh-uh!" "Try that in your driving test You are definitely getting a fail." "Or a pass." "And maybe some kind of internal injury." "Can I help you with something?" "I want to buy a power." "Well, what sort of thing are you after?" "I want the immunity to other people's powers." "How do you know what...?" "I just bought that exact power." "How do you even know about me?" "A friend told me to come and see you." "You got money?" "That should cover it." "So, what are you going to do with it?" "I'm going to make a girl fall in love with me." "Right, so, hang on..." "So he's got to go back in time, he's got to fall in love with Alisha then she dies, and they're gonna be stuck doing it over and over again, for all eternity?" "I think it's dead romantic." "Is it, though?" "!" "I mean, what are we supposed to feel - happy or sad?" "It's a bit of both." "Right." "So..." "I'm not very good with your mixed emotions." "I'm just going with happy." "We're never gonna see them again, are we?" "What's the matter with you?" "You really know how to bring a man down, don't you, eh?" "So, what do we do now?" "Keep our heads down, finish community service and live happily ever after." "Yeah, well, I love a happy ending."