"Oh, and don't close your eyes so much when you are singing, and smile and don't forget to show off your butt, girls like butt." "Does this look good?" "Ben, I am your manager." "I'm trying to get some business done." "Yeah, so am I." " Hey." " Hi." "Tell me," " was your father a thief?" " What?" "'Cause I could swear he stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes." "What are you doing?" "Oh, it's -- we're about to get married." "It's the last time I'm gonna be able to use that sweet pickup line." "I used it on you in high school." "You loved it then." "Yeah, but I had zits and braces." "I was just glad you were talking to me." "Well, if that line doesn't work, how 'bout the one I just waited in for two hours to get you these?" "Front row tickets to "Hairspray"?" "Oh, baby, that line is gonna get you some action." "Thank you." "Thanks." "Man, that waitress was giving you the big eye." "Did you get a look at her specials?" "No, I didn't notice." "How could you not notice, bro?" "They were practically holding up the tray." "Dude, you gotta get over Holly." "I'm over her." "I'm moving on, my man." "Yeah, that's why you're here every Friday night." "I'm here for the same reason everyone else is here." "I love Ben's butt." "[ music starts ]" "That's my cue." "I have to get on stage." "Okay, wait one second." "Do you see all those girls sitting in the front row?" "It would be so hot if you picked one and pulled them on stage and started to dance with them." "Um, oh, that one there with the spiky hair is perfect." "Holly, that's a guy." "What, his money isn't green?" "âª It was wild in the street, wild in the night âª âª Blistering cold in the cold daylight âª âª I can feel your hands âª âª Pushing hard on me âª" "Okay, Jessie, hit him with the spotlight." "That's right." "Show off those baby blues." "âª All of the nights that you spent with me âª âª I swear... âª" "Ooh, nice move." "âª Do you remember?" "âª âª 'Cause I remember... âª" "You sexy boy." "Ka-ching." "Ka-ching." "âª Remember like it was just some dream âª âª But I lost my faith would you lose yours, too?" "âª âª Would you bleed for me?" "I would bleed for you âª" "There you go." "Good." "Work it." "Work it." "Work it." "Security, get the slut off the stage!" "âª What I like about you âª âª You really know how to dance âª âª When you go up, down, jump around âª âª Talk about true romance âª" "âª Yeah âª âª Keep on whispering in my ear âª âª Tell me all the things that I wanna hear âª âª 'Cause it's true âª âª What I like âª" "âª That's what I like about you âª âª What I like âª âª That's what I like about you âª âª What I like about you âª" "âª That's what I like about you âª âª What I like about you âª âª That's what I like about you âª âª What I like about you âª" "âª That's what I like about you âª âª What I like about you âª âª That's what I like about âª âª Hey âª" "âª Uh-huh âª âª Uh-huh âª âª That's what I like about you âª" "That little tramp was all over Ben." "I wanted to kill her." "Oh, my God, Tina," "I've become one of those girls I used to make fun of when they get all jealous over their boyfriends." "Tina, I've become you." "Welcome." "And relax." "You know, everybody gets jealous." "You know that vet I work for?" "I get jealous when he talks to another woman." "That other woman is his wife, Tina." "You really gotta quit that job." "We are not here to talk about me." "This is about you and Ben and your sick, but completely normal feelings." "It doesn't feel normal." "I've never felt like this before, and it's freaking me out." "And he's only gonna get more famous and more girls are gonna be all over him." "So, you're his manager." "Cut off the girl supply." "What are you talking about?" "Stop booking him where there are gonna be chicks who are gonna be hot for him." "Have him open for K.D. Lang." "That is so immature, Tina." "I can't let my stupid jealousy affect his career." "I'm am not gonna -- why, do you know somebody who knows K.D. Lang?" "Val, come back to bed." "What was it I said that was so bad?" "Hmm, let's see." ""Ooh, baby." "Ooh, baby." ""Ooh, sexy mama." "Speaking of which, my mother's coming to dinner tonight."" "Well, I knew you'd stress out 'cause I know how much you wanna please my mother." "So, I thought if told you while we were gettin' down..." "Getting down?" "Who am I marrying, P. Diddy?" "Oh, I get it." "That's why you bought me the tickets to "Hairspray." You were just buttering me up." "Well, I figured if I could sit through a musical, you could sit through dinner with my mother." "Either way it's three hours with a woman who's very loud and wearing too much makeup." "Don't joke." "Your mom still hates me from... that time." "Huh?" "What time?" "You remember." "We were in high school and we were in your room." "Your parents came home early, caught us gettin' down " "Which we weren't, remember, we weren't." "Oh, believe me." "I remember." "But she doesn't." "That's the day I stopped being Val and became "the loose one."" "Oh, yeah." "Ha ha." "No, it's not funny." "Your mom doesn't like me, and I want her to like me." "That is why I'm gonna take her to dinner at Pastis." "Oh, honey, it doesn't have to be that fancy." "Oh, yes, it has to be that fancy." "She thinks I'm "the loose one."" "I don't get it." "Why are you suddenly booking me such weird gigs?" "I should be playing clubs, not a three-year-old's birthday party." "Well, they loved you." "What do they know?" "They thought I was a kitty." "Hello, I'm a puppy." "And this booking next week " "Esther Lowenstein's 100th birthday party?" "God willing." "I did it." "I got us a table at 7:00." "Oh, uh, that's great, honey." "It's just that my mom won't be able to make it till 8:00." "She's, uh, she's seeing a friend." "Who else does she know in the city besides you?" "Uh, Julie." "Julie?" "Your mother is seeing your ex-fiancée?" "See, this is exactly why I didn't tell you." "You're starting to get all stressed out." "Stressed?" "Who's stressed?" "I'm not stressed, no." "Look, I think it's super that they stayed so close." "Okay, so what's your mom's favorite dish?" "Whoa, whoa, I, uh," "I thought we were going out for dinner." "No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no." "'Cause Julie is the best cook ever." "Yeah, uh, Julie can make cakes from scratch." "Julie knows how to bone a fish." "Hence, I will be cooking a kick-ass homemade dinner." "Now, what is your mother's favorite dish, besides Julie?" "Honey, it doesn't matter, okay?" "Whatever you " "What is it?" "!" "Mutton stew." "Your mom likes old sheep?" "Old sheep stew." "Old sheep stew she's getting." "Hey, you, uh, you going on up because you wanna get down?" "Are you a total moron?" "Okay, Holly, what is going on?" "What are you doing?" "I don't know what I'm doing." "I'm just following Tina's advice." "Tina?" "Holly, I've only been in the country for three months, and even I know not to go to Tina for advice." "And advice about what?" "Well, when I saw you onstage kissing that groupie girl," "I don't know, I just [ mumbling ] got a little jealous." "I'm sorry, you what?" "Jealous!" "I know it's not pretty, but I got jealous!" "Jealous of what?" "Jealous of, "Oh, my God, Ben." "You're so cute." "I wanna dance on you." "I'm so pretty."" "It made me sick." "Holly, you're the one who told me to get that girl onstage in the first place." "I know, but I don't care." "I was still jealous." "Holly, I love you." "Those girls mean nothing to me." "You're being insane." "Don't tell me I'm insane." "That's how I feel." " Well, you're wrong." " Don't tell me I'm wrong." "I don't understand how you can't understand." "Are you telling me that you've never been jealous?" "No, I think it's a wasted emotion." "Oh, so you've never been jealous?" "What kinda freak are you?" "Maybe I'm just more evolved." "Oh, ho, I'm sorry I'm not as evolved as you." "Maybe it's because you have an accent." "Thanks anyway." "What am I gonna do?" "Rick's mom's gonna be here at 8:00, and I can't find a lousy piece of mutton in this entire city." "Okay, I got a butcher on the phone right now in the Bronx." "Can you make a stew out of bull testicles?" "Do they taste like mutton?" "Do your testicles taste like mutton?" "I don't know, I'm wearing tight jeans over, like, a little thong." "Hang up right now!" "Don't you see?" "If Rick's mom doesn't like me, she's gonna ruin all the holidays, and you know I love the holidays." "Christmas is everything to me." "Besides, I already made her a stocking with a little reindeer and jingle bells." "That is so sweet." "We'll find your mutton, honey." "Oh, God, I need a drink." "You and me both." "I'm in mutton hell." "Yeah, well, I'm in Ben hell." "I have a boyfriend who doesn't understand how I can be jealous that he's making out with a different girl every night." "Holly, I am trying to save Christmas here." "There are eight million people in New York, and not one mutton." "What the hell are they eating?" "Tongue." "Big-boobed groupie tongue." "Okay, why are you looking in the phone book for mutton?" "Get with it." "Try the internet." "Uh, she needs mutton, not porn." "Okay, Lauren, there are other things on the internet besides porn." "Get out!" "Okay, let's see." "There's 300,000 mutton sites." "Oh, my God, look." "There's a place right here on Long Island, and they'll deliver." "Okay, do we want it prepared or unprepared?" "Unprepared." "I wanna prepare it." "Okay, and if I order it in the next three minutes, they can have it here before 5:00." "They just need your credit card number." "Okay, uh, I'll go get it." "My purse is upstairs." "Is it 2123-3345-1325-6432?" " Yeah, that's it." " Okay." "Jealous?" "You told him you were jealous?" "You never tell a guy you're jealous." "That gives him all the power, fool!" "Okay, well, I tried it your way, and that didn't work." "Well, now you gotta pull out the classic -  make him jealous." " How, Tina?" "Get up on stage and have guys throw themselves at me?" "I don't have groupies." "Besides, Ben's not the jealous type." "He's all evolved and European." "Everyone's the jealous type." "Now, he's playing at Skids' tonight, right?" "I don't know." "We're not talking." "I don't know his schedule." "8:00." "Perfect." "You have, like, three hours to find a guy to bring to Ben's gig and totally rub it in his face." "Now, how about that cute guy by the window?" "The one holding hands with the gay guy?" "Okay, okay, what about, um -- oh, the guy over there." "He's sitting with his wife." " Oh, I didn't see her." " You never do." "Oh, God." "I found him." "No gay lover, no wife, totally cute." "Oh, my God, he is kinda cute." "He would totally make Ben jealous." "Go over there." "Go, go, go." "Hey, hey, hey." "What's up, Tiny?" "Hi, what's up?" "Hey, slide to the right." "Your big head's blocking my view." "What's Holly doing?" "Picking up that cute guy." "She's moving on already?" "You women are cold." "Gary, you have dumped a girl on her birthday," "Christmas Eve, and the day her cat died." "Yeah, that was one bad day." "You're never gonna believe it." "Guess who has a date tonight!" "Guess who still has it." "Ooh, ooh!" "I got a date tonight with Danny." "Danny the fanny." "Okay, stop it." "He seems to have a really nice personality." "Yeah, I would, too, if I had that ass." "[ doorbell rings ]" "Ooh, mutton!" "Is that the mutton?" "Is that the mutton?" "Look at that." "4:30, right on the mutton." "How much do I love the word "mutton"?" "Tyler?" "We have delivery." " You sign right here." " Yes, with pleasure." " Uh, we bring in?" " Yeah, hurry up." "Oh, my God!" "I bet those bull testicles sound pretty delish right now." "Are you kidding?" "We didn't order this." "You ordered mutton unprepared." "Unprepared as in I need salt and pepper, not a gun." "Get it out, get it out." "Get it out!" "Why are you freaking out?" "I am having a vicious flashback -- class trip, fourth grade, size 16." "No, Lauren, I don't have time for -- fourth grade, size 16?" "I was on a class trip to the Central Park petting zoo." "No, Lauren, I don't have time!" "I was just innocently standing there enjoying my Ho-ho, and all of a sudden, the other kids pushed my head into the sheep, and they laughed and called me "fatso."" "Not witty children, but cruel." "I must go." "No, no, mister, please, please, please, please." "You gotta, uh, do something here." "You can't leave the sheep." "You sign, you sign." "No." "Why you sign?" "Why you sign?" "Okay, well, Ben's gonna be here any second." "Where's my date?" "You mean, "lady hips"?" "Yeah, maybe he got stuck in the turnstile at the subway." "Will you guys cut it out?" "Danny is a really nice guy." "[ cellular phone rings ]" "It's probably him." "Hello?" "Oh, hey, Danny." "Are you running late?" "Yeah, maybe he got a little "behind."" "But, Danny, I was counting on you." "You promised that you'd be here." "He's getting back together with his girlfriend." "Okay, so you just used me to get her jealous?" "What an ass!" "A big, giant, lady ass!" "Well, thanks a lot, Danny." "I hope that you have fun on your date." "Can you believe him?" "Wait, weren't you gonna use him to do the same thing?" "Yeah, but not anymore." "I have to go." "Hold on, hold on." "Maybe I can help." "I'm happy to make Ben jealous." "I don't think that's a very good idea, man." "Yeah, Vince, that's really sweet, but Ben knows that we're just friends." "That wouldn't work." "Now if that doesn't make him jealous." " Okay, uh, Vince " " Oh, there's Ben." "Sorry, that wasn't him." " Okay, Vince " " There he is." "Wrong again." "Grrr!" "Don't worry, we'll do this all night if we have to." "Val, not to worry." "Everything looks beautiful." "You got the lasagna, the garlic bread, salad -- it's terrific." "Val, we're not in college anymore, come on." "Aah!" "Oh, God!" "No, sheep, no." "Bad sheep." "Oh." "Oh, my God." "What's happened?" "How could this happen?" "Lauren will you get down here and help me?" "Oh, God." "I got lasagna all over the floor, wild sheep grazing in my living room, and a mother-in-law whose ass I've gotta kiss that's gonna be here any minute." " Uh, Val?" " What?" "The ass you're kissing came early." "Oh, hello." "Hi, Margaret." "Come on in." "Be careful." "Don't slip on the lasagna." "Honey, why is there a sheep in the loft?" "Oh, it's mutton." "Margaret, I know how much you like mutton." "Just trying to make what you like." "Thought it would be a super capper to your week here in New York with Julie." "Maybe we've come at a bad time." "Oh, really?" "What gave you that idea, Margaret?" "Could it be the fact that my dinner just crapped on your shoe?" "Ricky, maybe you should take me back to the hotel." "No, wait, excuse me, Margaret, but can I just say that my friend Val has spent the entire day tr " "I am sorry, I cannot be this close to the beast!" "She's gonna be the best daughter-in-law ever!" "Mom, Val was just trying to make you your favorite dinner." "Oh, is that what that was?" "The leash threw me." "Margaret, I wish you liked me as much as Julie, but that is never gonna happen." "And you know what?" "I'm okay with it." "Because you don't have to love me." "Your son loves me." "At least that's what he said this morning when we were gettin' down." "I'm going to go." "Well, I'm gonna stay." "And you are, too, mother." "Rick, it's okay." "I'm fine with her leaving because it's over, it's done." "I don't care what you think of me anymore, Maggie." "Rick, go ahead and go with your mother." "We'll be together tomorrow night for "Hairspray."" ""Hairspray?"" "I've been dying to see that show." "Well, they're my tickets, and I can take whoever I want." "And I wanna take you, mommy." "Ooh, here comes Ben." "Uh, what do you think you're doing?" "Oh, Ben." "What are you doing here?" "You know I play here every weekend." " Why is Vince kissing you?" " Let me handle it, Holly." "The truth is, Ben, I'm glad this finally happened." "It's been a long time coming." "Are you sure you wanna do this, Vince?" "I have to do it, Holly." "I mean, try being me watching you two make out every day." ""I love you." "I love you more, blimey."" "It's been a nightmare." "I love her!" "She's mine!" "Okay, you're going a little over the top, Vince." "I haven't even begun." "I'm not acting." "These are my real feelings." "Ever since you came back " "Uh, Vince, you can stop your acting now, man." "Everyone sees through your lies and your bigger-than-life acting." "Stop now, please." "Hey, thanks, Vince, but I think that might have been a really bad idea." "You okay, dude?" "Unbelievable." "I got to kiss her, like, eight times." "Ben." "Oh, I'm sorry." "This is the backstage area." "It's reserved for talent, and managers, and girlfriends of talent." "You are none." "Wait." "I'm sorry." "Vince and I were just putting on a stupid act." "I thought that maybe if you saw us together, you'd " " I don't know -- get jealous." "But that was stupid." "I was jealous." "Really?" "I thought you didn't get jealous." "I know." "I can't believe it." "I've never been jealous in my life." "What the hell are you doing to me?" "Really?" "I made you jealous?" "Yes, and I don't like it." "Okay, but now do you understand what I was feeling?" "Yes." "We're both sick." "This is not healthy, Holly." "I don't care for it either." "But it's who we are." "Welcome." "I promise," "I'm gonna try really hard not to do that anymore because this is your career, and girls are gonna be all over you, and I'm just gonna have to get used to it." "Okay, and I'm gonna have to rise above it and not ask you who was the better kisser, me or Vince?" "I'm waiting." "God, when you get jealous, you get jealous." "I like it." "âª Do you remember?" "âª âª 'Cause I remember what you said to me âª âª Remember like it was just some dream âª âª But I lost my faith, would you lose yours too?" "âª âª Would you bleed for me I would bleed for you âª" "You picked me!" "âª And when blood gets thick at the end of the night âª âª You in my sheets like a soul delight âª âª I can feel your skin coming off your soul âª" "âª Reeling me in like there's nothing you don't know âª"