"Come, come, come, my friend." "Come on." "Put on it, put on it." "Put on it." "Just like that!" "You recognize me." "No no." "Why did you say "Just so," then?" "Everyone who buys my fez says "Just so."" "You are the only one who did not say so." "No, not that." " So there." " I have to turn around a bit so." " No no no." " I can go so." " Where have you been?" " Or like this." " What?" " We said at half the clothes," "Your oaf." "I have no idea who she is." "You are a wonderful couple." " Not really." " I would not say that." "I really enjoy to be on the show." "The tickets are too expensive for me." "I visited my doctor." "I had." "He was sick." "I said, "Doctor, it does hurts when I do so. "" "He said: "But do not do that, then."" "I said: "I have broken my arm in several places."" "He said: "You should not visit those places."" "I go to the whiskey-diet." "I have already lost three days." "I bet on a horse, 20 against one." "It came 20 over four." "Thank you very much." "Eggs bag ..." "Oh my God." "Eggs bag, bag of eggs." "Egg bag, bag of eggs." "And the jockey hit him with a whip." "Not so, without that." "And the horse said: "Why do you strike me as? "" ""There is no one behind us."" "Now look carefully at." "This egg will disappear in front of you." " Now you do not know where it is." " During your arm." "What?" "Forearm?" "No." "Yes." "The other?" "Yes." "This little?" "No." "Yes." "Higher?" "I have to go hand in bag and produces the egg to great applause." "Many hearts are in mourning." "If you could read them all." "Many are the hopes that are gone." "No no." "Tommy, stop!" "After the prom." " No..." " What then?" " I sang!" " No, my dear." "There we had noticed." "You are playing in the wrong key." "You should try N. Have you N there?" "What a show." " Where are we tomorrow?" " Wigan." "I love Wigan." "No, keep your Paris and your Rio." " We will not stay there long, huh?" " No." "We used to do a number together." " I was very talented." " She was very talented." "What?" "When the bale was out" "Bonnie!" "Took Bonnie out his glass eye." "put their dentures in water." "hanging out the wig to dry." "La his artificial arm on the table." "La his artificial leg on the chair." "When the party was over." "only half Bonnie left." "Go in with you!" " Send it to me." " No!" "Do not, Tommy." "He's a little shit boot." "What has happened?" "He was taken when he pilfered a penknife at Woolworths." "So does everyone." "It does not matter!" "Sånt behavior I do not see in this family." "If you ever steal again." "Then take a box of my favorite cigars." "What then?" "Go up with you." "Vicky, come here." "I have a couple of new jokes here, give me your opinion." " No, it's rude." " Well, tell me." "No, stop." "All right." "Why sing lobsters so nicely?" "To the shell is animals." "It's fine." "Why sing lobsters so nicely?" "To the shell is animals." "Almost." "All right." "A man wakes up in the hospital and screaming:" ""Doctor, I can not feel my legs!"" "The doctor replies: "I know, I have captured in your arms."" "I love you." "MIFF has booked me on a couple of dates up north next week." "Listen, dear." "I do not follow you." " What?" " You must go yourself." "It's mean to kids." "But I can not do it alone." "There you must." "I have a home to care for." "When should you start?" "Take Miff with you." "No, I want to go with you." "Miff?" "I'd rather go with Hitler." "Do not go, then." "You have your television series in the works." "We can not rely on television." "Obviously, we get it!" "You do not showa on old pubs and holiday villages and clubs with nedkissade lodges more." "I like such places." " That's who I am." " Who am I, then?" "I say I want you to be with me, it is a hell compliment." "Listen, fatso," "I did not leave Tom and Vicky with the nanny more." " That's why he gets out." " Okay, then we go all the tour." "Do I look like somebody damn Von Trapp?" "You never miss an opportunity To give you of the family, huh?" "I have spent 20 years on tour and it must suffice." "I deserve to be at home with my family, and so do you." "Will he ever be on time?" "Call him at home again, thank you, Mary." "I'm sorry, this is inexcusable." "What number?" "Hey, Chiswick 9974, please." "I relax now." "Hello again, excuse, we are still waiting for Mr. Cooper." "I'm sorry." "He makes life miserable for you?" "No, it's just that ..." "He does not think so much about mornings, so he tries to avoid them." "But if he starts to behave, do not laugh at his jokes." " He hates it." " Thank you, Mrs. Cooper." "A few more tips?" "He has big feet." "Do not let him trample on you." "Bye." "Sorry I am late." "It is unforgivable." "I could not get out of bed." "Can we start?" "Yes, sorry." "All right, gentlemen." "Fantastic comedy." "I do not know what you're doing, but I guess the hair." " Hello." " Hello." "Can you look after it for me?" "It's upside down." "I might not be fun, but I'm very tall." "You better hope you're funny." "Okay, first the sketch." "The restaurant, a large aquarium with fish." "What?" "It was New Year's Eve at Joe's bar." "A happy crowd was there." "Fully with people at tables and bars and the sounds and laughter filled the air." "Amidst all the hilarity lock the door up and a worn and tattered hobo comes in and says:" ""Happy New Year, y'all."" "Everyone looked at him, and some began to mock him." "A sailor in the bar said: "Ship o'hoj, have a beer."" ""Thank you," replied the tramp, "but I do not drink more beer." ""Will never drink a drop more." "But we can share a bottle of rum. "" "What's up with fezen?" "I was in the army in Egypt, country, and would go into battle, and had forgotten my pith helmet." "My tropical helmet." "I norpade the passing from a waiter and wore it on stage, and everyone laughed." "Hats are fun, gloves makes a sorry." "I think you had been fun whatever your bar." "Please stop." "Are you a talented magician that tries to look bad, or is it vice versa?" "I ..." "Huh?" "As a banker jumped up, who happened to be there." ""Throw him out," he said, "He poisons the air."" ""There were harsh words," said the sailor." "The banker said: "So what?"" ""It was gunpowder in the words," said the cowboy." ""If you aim at getting shot?"" "Excuse me, I'll be right back." "When a soldier jumped up and said: "It is not the time to fight."" " You are." " No, then." " Yes." " No." "MIFF, you're the world's worst agent with the world's worst haircut." "If your comedian friends had known how much I have brought in to you so they had all become communists overnight." "Tommy!" "Can I get your autograph?" "Yes, of course." " I have a pen." " Thanks." " What a nice scarf." " Thanks." "What is that?" "Beware, Miff." "Add it in your pocket." "Put your hand in your pocket so it is safe." "It's my agent." "Beware the bag and not on something." "Must you always be so rude to me?" "Unblock contract I'm never rude again." "You can cancel the contract at any time." "Bruce Forsyth just did." "I will not pay you a penny." "It's bad enough that I give you 15% and you look like an elf." "Thank you." "Thank you." "Thank you." "Thank you." "Okay." "Glass, tray, tube ..." "My feet is my death." "Every night when I go to sleep trying my feet strangle me." "Okay, talk to each other." "Where are the eggs?" "I am an agent, not ägghandlare." " I need four!" " You have taken down three." "Yes, it's part of the trick." "You should buy more." "Buy your own eggs." "Do you think I'm made of egg?" "Do not let it happen again." "Glass ... tray, tube, eggs." "There should be four eggs, but I ate one." "Okay, I count to three." "A is easy." " A." " A." " two." " Two and a half!" "No, I can not." "Too scared." "Thank you!" "Thank you!" "I have commissioned him to support me." "And just before I go on as he says:" ""For God's sake, MUFF IT not now."" "Then when I get off stage he says: "You think you're so funny."" "You adapt just a new person." "I miss you, Dove." "And I you." "You know what you need to do." "Yes, but I can not kill him, everyone would suspect me." "Come home." "Stick to the TV." "I have to get up early, so we will hear tomorrow." "Good night." "THE THAMES" "If he dies in the end it will be better." "I say to the writers." "One gets very quiet." "The second bursts out crying." "I move the ass end and replace him ..." "Oh my God." "No, he's wonderful." "Half man, half chin." "You have a wonderful laugh." "Follow me, and laugh so." "There are worse jobs than that." "You've been really good here." "I will miss you." "Thank you." "I'm a big fan." "You are not too shabby yourself." "You, can I tempt you with a piece of lunch?" "There are yesterday's lunch." "It may be stew, but also crumble." " It was bad." "So poor." " What then?" "I cleaned the attic the other day with my wife." "Disgusting, dirty, covered in cobwebs." "But she's good with the kids." "I went to Margate on vacation, a friend recommended Margate, it would be good for rheumatism." "So I went there and got it." " Great show, Tommy." " Thank you, Eric." " Yes, great." " Thank you, Eric." "Ernie greet." "He gets his wig dust sucked back home." "May I offer you a glass." " What are you drinking?" " Whisky." "Then, I take one of those." " What a great place." " Yes." "Where are we?" "That was better." "What about the Dove?" "You know those sneaky sharks with strange scary mouths?" " Yes." " Yes." "She is far from being someone like that." "She is doing fine." "Here he comes." "Fast talker." "Mr. Morecambe." "Mr. Sykes." "I take a big like this to Mr. Cooper." "Good evening." "I serve you directly." "Thank you." " I have a sketch you can use." " No really." "You play a bartender" " Having tics." " All right?" "He pours himself a drink, get tics, spilling the drink, and the parrot in the bar says:" ""There goes another one."" "So he pours out a new, and get a twitch, spilled drink and the parrot says:" ""There goes another one."" "See, they are laughing already." "It's a funny story." "Send it to Dick Emery." "And one, two, three ..." "Is it a heron?" "I do not know." "I will not agree with nature." "After dogs and cats it becomes a bit blurry." "I could sit here for hours." "First, there appears to be some thing, but then you realize that it's alive!" "It is like with people." "They seem to be common, but as you look closer." "We are all unique." "I have something on my face?" "No, I was just wondering if you wanted to be my assistant." "What?" "I want to go out on tour again." "I miss it." "Come with me and helped with my number." "My wife has always helped, but she has had enough." "I have to ask my husband first." "The idea is good, but I prefer that you do it." "All right." "What's it with black head then?" " Pipare." " Now you can find only on?" "Better?" "Beautifully." "You always as much of a joke?" "Yes." "Comedy is a serious business." "Are you one of those clown crying inside?" "No no." "Such is well boring?" "I laugh in the table." "Mostly." "Want a bite?" "Mysterious pie or something more pasty-like?" "No, I do not like that kind of bought things." "You never know what they sneak into it." "My wife makes good sandwiches." "Will not the edges bent until Thursday?" "They stay flat if you have them under your pillow." "Sure it's Tommy Cooper?" "Yes." "Is that OK?" "I love your TV show." "Thanks that was nice." "Will you be away long?" "One week." "Is it props?" "Unfortunately not." "Jeez, look at them, they will never laugh." "Well then, they love you." "What then?" "Where is the exploding dog?" "What?" " Have you set ..." " It says here." "Here is everything you need." "I do not feel funny." "You can not be no fun." "All right." "Okay, calm down." "Do not mess back there." "I'm here if you need me." "Everyone's favorite, Tommy Cooper." "Thank you." "Thank you." "Thank you." "Thank you." "I always look for an audience will be good or bad." "Good evening." "Sorry I'm late." "I played tennis with my wife." "She's a funny woman." "Eggs bag, bag of eggs." "Bag eggs, egg bag." "I bought a wooden leg to her for Christmas." "Just a little pat, it will fill the stocking." "Oh dear." "What?" "Say what you want." "I stay in the entertainment industry." "It was so funny." "You were so good!" "Thanks, I've been practicing." "What do you do with all the adrenaline for the show?" "Usually I swim to Holland and back." "That makes me calm." "Is it true?" "I thought you were one of those who were hanging around in an armchair." "Oh, you!" "I will show you." "Hold my chips." "All right." "No, it is too high." "I can not." "So it is to be on tour." "To half roller coaster, Half straight track, half ..." "How many halves are there?" " Three." " For half holiday." "Oh dear." "What does your husband to look after the children?" "Norman is very relaxed." "He likes challenges." "Come here." "So there." "What gallant of you." "I'm too cold, this is not possible." "Give me your jacket." "Actually, give me ..." "To take it a jacket ..." "We warms us up at the old-fashioned way." "Good night." "Good night." "Hold on..." "You want to come in?" "Here is a spider." "You must kill it." "I'm afraid of spiders." "I kill it." "You applaud." "We should not do this." "I know." "Pardon." "How do I know that you do not just want something temporary?" "I was going to ask you the same thing." "Promise me you did not do this just because I'm very handsome." "I do not usually do this." "Neither do I." "What have we done?" "Whatever it is, I am happy." "Me too." "So I said to the doctor: "I can not say F, T and H."" "He replied: "Then you can not say ugly, boring, hell."" "That joke, you can not pull back." " She has heard it before." " Who then?" "Queen." "You took it on the Royal Variety later." "She does not remember it." "She is a busy woman." "Who else is there?" "The usual, Bassey, Eric and Ernie." "The Romanian national dance." "Who is she?" "Sheila." "I told you I should get a housekeeper." "Why?" "We have worked hard, why not spend a little bit." "No!" "No." "Do you want to be known as the cruellest the man in the entertainment industry?" "I am not cruel." "I am cautious." "You can pay someone full time to assist you on the tour." "It is ridiculous, Tommy." "You will rip you off." "I can handle myself." "This trick about dexterity and ..." "Wait." "Excuse me." "Bottles." "... and concentration." "This is the basic mechanism." "The set of glass, it over your bottle." "Where is the bottle, which is glass." "The set of the bottle, of the glass." "There are glass and there is a bottle." "Do you see it?" " Good." " Quiet and nice." "The set of the bottle ..." "Wait." "For many bottles!" "There is a good variety for you, huh?" "You have been given bottles to disappear for years, right?" "It is there, That's your bottle, where are your glasses." " Gasps and oj and applause." " Some in the audience faint." "Money thrown spontaneously on stage." "Try it yourself." "Hello, Mary." "Watch and learn." "Bottle glass bottle." "Glass bottle, bottle glass." "Get into a rhythm." "Blitherin." "When you say, see and learn?" "Yes, I did not mean for myself." "You are doing wrong." "See here." "So easy." "Look." "This on top of the bottle, the top of the glass." " Yes." " Where is the bottle, which is glass." "You put it on top of the bottle ..." "For many bottles." "And the top of the glass." "There are glass and there is a bottle." "Okay?" "Sometimes we do it with three bottles." "One Two Three." "And sometimes two glasses." "When you see two glasses you say "cheers"." "Cheers, Tommy." " How much?" " 35 pounds for you." "It's a bargain!" "It can you can use for years." " What else you got?" " Come here and purchase it here, your shit!" "You are like an eight year old." "Is not it magical?" "Hey, Tommy." "Hey, Billy!" "Billy Mayo, variety show legend." "Mary Kay, my assistant." "Nice to meet you." "Do you have all the material before Palladium?" "No, I'm still looking." "It's getting short on time." " I might have something for you." " What then?" " He is desperate." " I'm desperate." "This is going to be a success." "It's just right for you." "Come on." "Yes, I'm with you so far." "The Royal Variety show at The Palladium in London." "They said I would get into and heating them." "What, then go off?" "I just got here." "I do it." " No, do not do it." " I say it." " No, please." " Mr. Eric Sykes." " Ma'am." " Well done." " Mr. Tommy Cooper." " Your Majesty." "Your Majesty, can I ask you a personal question?" "I will decide if I answer it." "Do you like football?" "Not very much." "Can I get your tickets for the Cup Final?" "You did not!" "I asked nicely." "There goes the knighthood dignity." "The Queen likes to laugh." "She told me the other day:" ""Eric, the key to comedy is vulnerability, it goes back to Aristotle. "" "I saw Aristotle at the Glasgow Empire once." "He was booed, but had nice sandals." "No, the big ones are all pretty confused." "It is visible to you, Tommy." "The existential panic behind the eyes." " Great show, Tommy." " Thanks." "Whose round is it?" "Nice work, Tommy." "I said well it would go well?" "What then?" "What do you mean by that?" "Element joke." "That's right, it worked just fine." "Thank you." "I will visit your Mary." "No." "It is Mary, this is my wife." "Okay, I do not have my glasses on." "Never mention Mary in front of my wife." "Sorry, I did not know." "You're becoming world famous with your television series." "Yes, I am very lucky." "Was this a funny skit?" "No." "And what's the deal with fezen?" "My parents were actually Egyptians and I promised my father on his deathbed" "I would wear the national cap every time I was on stage." " All right?" " Thanks so much." "No no." "Try again." ""Tag-so-much!"" "Well, thank you-so-much." "No, again." "Tag-so-much." " Tag-so-much." " Great." "Come on, Tommy." "We have to go." "I must go home to get some new things." "No, we'll miss the train." "It takes only a few minutes." "How nice you are, Miss Mary." "Do you think I can get shake you?" "Oh my God!" "My klacksko kill me, wait." "Tom drawer!" "Tom." "Tom." "Tom." "God, how dark it is in there." "Yes." "Expect nothing special." " Where are we tomorrow?" " Worcester." "Remind me to buy the sauce." "Then Weston-super-Mare" "Bournemouth for two nights." "Only I'm home Doves Sunday lunch." "Thank you." "The fat is under the piano." "And the Smale does not help at all." "Why do you like them so much?" "I love the simplicity." "I'm not a great thinker." " Do not be ridiculous." " No, there is no danger." "I know my strengths." "But digging is not in it, there's nothing there." "I am measured to trip me." "Me too." "Sheila." "Hello?" "All right." "A bra?" "I ask him to call you." "Thank you." "Bye." "It was your hotels in Birmingham." "Mrs. Cooper has apparently forgotten a bra." "Should they send over it?" "What?" " Quiet." " Do not tell me to be quiet!" " Quiet." " Would you be quiet" "If you found a pair of underwear in our bed?" "No, it would not." "Someone wants to frame me." "Who is calling from a hotel and tells you that you forgot a bra" " In one room?" " You might live in a world ..." "They do indeed, where everything is a joke, but the rest of us ..." "Not so loud, Dove." "You do not need to go on tour." "They ask you to do television." "A miner works in a mine, a stand-up comedian ..." "Draws with someone tired old slut to his hotel room!" "Away!" "Come, I'll take you home." "Hold on." "Let me see if I've forgotten my bra." "Come now." "Away with you!" "I will not go with you." " It is locked." " I know." "Dove!" "What fish is the richest?" " Gold fish." " Very funny." " Removed." " Come on!" "Not in the face." "Okay, in the face." " People see us." " I do not care!" "Away from me!" "Dove." "How could you forget about your bra?" "I do not know." "I have more than one." "Tommy, I'm working." "We can not just have ..." "Dove is ..." "It's not funny." "I have denied everything but she does not believe me." "I'm really sorry." "We had to leave the hotel in a hurry because you are so" " Celestial tired in the morning." " Perhaps to" "I was up until after midnight and got several hundred people laugh." "I know that, where do you think I was?" "This is my family." "It is important to me!" "You do not think I've noticed?" "Raise never vote against me." "I think out something." "Tickets, please." "New passengers, Allgén from Watford Junction." "Tickets." "Hello, Michael." "Could you do me a favor?" "Can you send this to London, first class?" "Tommy!" " Oh, no, where can I hide?" " Tommy!" "You are such a fool." "It was they meant." "Why did not they say that it was a comedy-bra?" " I know!" " Come here." "In with you." "I can not breathe." "Do you know what your problem?" "Error agent?" "You have fun-illness." "You fatigue yourself by being funny outside the scene." "You should be dull as everyone else." "Watch Tony Hancock." "Without an audience, he was as funny as cancer." "He killed himself, you idiot." "How do you get your point across with this?" "What about your other client?" "What is he doing balloon animals?" "I have more than another client, you know." "It's probably his." "Hey, Miff Ferrie." "Hi, this is Trevor." "I've been working on a new balloon figure," " It is a sausage dog." " Yes." "Can I call you later?" "Pretty hard, but I've probably got right on it." "Thank you, good bye." "Bye." "Listen." "I'm fed up To cover up for your mistress." "Buying train tickets on the sly, organizing passports." "You should thank Mary." "I would not go around and earn money at you if she was not at my side." "Then I had golfat with Ronnie Corbett." "There is a reason why monogamy works, Tommy." "It's not as exhausting." "I can not let go of Mary, Miff." "I love her." "And Dove, then?" "One can love two women." "Until one gets caught." "No, I mean it." "I'm not proud of it, I am ashamed, but it's true." "Dove has been my life." "She put me on stage, made a man of me." "If someone hurt her or the family rips my head of them." "Yes." "That person will be you." "Is it going well?" "Yes, Ken." "It is not so cheap, for it is of high quality." "How much?" "I will not say until you have received a satisfied Skaras applause." "Are you ready, satisfied audience?" "I am so ready to get rid." "I will like this." "It was fun." "And says, "What?"" "No, you say nothing." "All show in your face." "Oh well." "SHORT VS GUNS" " Should You Buy It?" " No." "The legs fall off all the time." "You, Tom." "Oh dear, sad face." "I've heard that they're going to run a story if you and Mary." "What?" "I say this only." "There is no story." "The bastards." "No, my wife is wonderful, the lady of the top England." "The second is in Africa." "Thank you very much." "Thank you, ladies and gentlemen." "You were wonderful." "Was I good?" "Were they right?" "They loved you." "It was shaky at first, huh?" " You won it back." " I did." "Waiting for someone?" "No, there is no danger." "A glass of champagne?" "Away with it, I'm not in the mood to celebrate." "Was I right?" "Yes, it was you." "That was good." "I was going to go for the usual acting, but let my agent to talk me out of it." "Two glasses of white, thanks." "I'll try your support collar?" "I need it really." "Come on, I'll try." "Well, preferably not." "Come on, I'll try your support collar." "All right." "I can not do that." "Yes, that's right, my agent Miff, apart from not having no humor, so ..." "You know what, give me ..." "Give me the phone, I'll call him." "Tommy, it's four o'clock in the morning." "If he does not like it he can terminate our contract." "You know what, I like this, you can get one for me?" "He probably needs to get it back." "Come on." "Do not be so boring, work with me." " I should go home." " No, come on." "Sit down." "Have a drink." " Come on." " Hey." "Hey, it's Mr. Miff Ferrie?" "Miff Ferrie here." "Who is it?" "I'm calling from Scotland Yard." "I'm sorry to tell you that it have been burglaries in your London apartment." "Yes." "We got this issue on the basis of documents" " We found at the address." " Tommy, please." "Stop doing this." "No, I'm superstitious," "I never wear green for the bad luck, and I always put fezen upturned so that the bad air comes out." "Right, Mary?" "Good night, gentlemen." "Mary, what happened to you?" "Dear Tommy, It is with a heavy heart I write" "I can not work for you." "I'm sorry, but you leave me no choice." "Just like that." "I'm so sorry." "I can not work with you anymore." "Can we talk about it?" "You think it gets easier over the years, but somehow it gets worse," "scene terror." "You may learn additional ways to fail." "It is something of an audience that does not laugh, it is so sad." "I step off and it's been good, and I'm like a balloon to tie up and go around the room." "I know it's horrible, and I must change and I'm so sorry." "I know that I'm talking about me but I wanted to talk about you." "My husband knows what we have done." "He wants to hear about, you can watch a couple of sketches he wrote." "Have you told I'm not so funny after a glass?" "After a glass, you are okay." "Not so good after ten." "But after 20, great again!" "I know it's my fault, but I'm used to Dove standing on the ..." "You're delicate, you're not ..." "I was wrong." "I can not stand you." "I do not give up." "It's not up to you to decide." "Good evening, dear." "It's okay, everything is calm." "Come in, Eric." "Will you enter?" "Eric, what are you drinking?" "My great." "That's not what I heard." "I'll try your Max Miller-hat?" "No, it may not." "All good, Dad?" "Good." "All is well, my son." " Are not you going to sleep?" " You know..." "Okay, take a glass." "I feel a little bit, you know." "Yes I know." "Choose a card." "Two of clubs." "No, it is not here." "Wait, let me check here." "Get up!" "What ..." "Secret mistress." "I can not control what the gossip ..." "How long has the damn little bimbo slept with you?" "She is in her 40s." "She is past it then, the poor bastard." "What happens?" "Your father has a mistress!" "No I have not." "We will come back later." "She helped me on the tour." "She's good at her job." "Why did not you tell her?" "Because I knew you would be this angry." "It was a gift from Miff." "He will like to have back 15% of it." "He was on this, right?" "Yes." "For he may be tense Presbyterian Bull Skull, but he knows I need an assistant." "What is she, then, This so-called assistant?" "She is very nice." "And it's over." "I have not hired her in weeks." "I gave my life to you, how could you do this?" "I do not know." "When I come back you'll be gone." "But you." "You hear duvjävlarna breathe outside." "Pull somewhere." "My wife and my best friend hates me." "I have phlebitis in the legs, lumbago, chronic indigestion, high blood pressure and bronchitis five times a year." " But you still have your ..." " My health, yes." "People say I only need go out on stage, so people laugh." "If they only knew what was required to even go out on stage." "The problem is that when we write to occur we say: "I guarantee that I'm funny, then, on that day. "" "Even if my dog ​​has just been shot." "Or my hair on fire." "And then, new comics," "Morecambe and Wise are too fun." "I can not live without comedy, but the magic has saved me." "How messy life becomes, and in the middle is a mess, when doing magic, must be controlled." "And the more chaotic it is on stage, the more accurate you have to be." "What did I just do?" "So, Dove is your comedy and Mary was your magic." "You are a contradictory man, right?" "No I am not." "The contradictions that follow." " It was a joke that you completely missed." " Cruel yet probably innocent." "Exactly in your preparation, but is always delayed, up to three hours." "A man who is desperate to be liked, yet so shitty that he never has invited me for a drink." "I buy a drink for you When you start paying for my eggs." "A family man with a mistress for ten years." "If you ever had purchased a newspaper had you known that for the entertainment industry it is quite hold back as well." "You are not a good man, Tommy." "Look at you." "I need..." "I need ..." "I do not know." "I can not walk peacefully on the street." "But I have none." "And I..." " Feel so ..." " Guilty!" "I warned you this would happen!" "Well ..." "Fortunately, it is no secret in the industry" "I have directed your career as a rather skillful conductor." "As a rather sickly conductor ..." "And I've managed to find a new and lucrative work for you." "New and exciting." "This is called "corporate events"." "And not only that, it is in Italy." "1977, Rome." "I would buy camouflage trousers, but found none." "No, wait, I translate." "Camouflage trousers." "It has not even a basic vocabulary." "Camouflage." "I did not have this problem ..." "Ladies and gentlemen," "Mr Tommy Cooper!" "Hello?" "Oh, honey." "Beware my heart." "The bastards gave up just for me." "How are the kids?" "They are upset." "Tell them that it's an insurance scam." "Good crowd?" "I fell down when I would go out on stage." "400 IBM executives sat there and looked at their watches and said:" ""I have heard that he used to be late, but this is so bad. "" "You should start taking care of yourself." "Yes, I go to the pharmacy Chiswick and see what they have." "Do not tell Miff that I got a heart attack, then revel himself only." ""Your problem is that you get for many heart attacks. "" ""I did not get where I am today by getting a heart attack in Italy. "" "I brought you something." "MAGIC" "Thank you." "Can we go home now?" "I do not mind to take it easy, but this is ridiculous." "Remind me, gets my runner ride on my horse?" "What in God's name is that?" "Tc." "There will never be popular." "Is that all?" "All right." "Get my farmers jump backwards?" "No, it will not!" "Okay sorry." "I need to be out and working." "What is wrong with this?" "Okay, go." "But you have to take with Tom on the tour." "He still looks up to you." "God knows why." "I do not know if it is ..." "He wants to perform." "One day, you can take him in the show." "Let me say it another way." "You need someone to look after you When you are on tour." "Try to make it work with our Tom." "Only ..." "Whatever it takes to make you feel good." "Come on, Tommy." "Where are you, Tommy?" "Why are we waiting?" "Where is the goldfish bowl?" "Have you set up the?" "Set up it?" "How many times ..." "Mary always puts ..." "Do not touch it!" "I can not handle this." "Tell them that I do not feel so good." "Please, Dad!" "Please, Dad, what should I do?" "Please please!" "Daddy!" "How you been?" "So there." "Are you working?" "Yes." "The Impressionists - show." " You're joking." " It's true." "I will not escape you even if I want it." "How have you been?" "I need you, everything is horrible." "I can not tour." "It does not work with Tom." "I miss you." "I miss you too." "Tommy Cooper - last night" "It was the first time it happened, tumbleweed blowing through the auditorium." "The only sound that could be heard were mice who threw himself into traps." "You were good." "You were just a little too respectful." "You said you would not do it." "You do not look to feel good, Dad." "How can I..." "In addition to becoming better at everything, how can I help you?" "Sit down." "Do you remember I swore I did not have anybody business?" "No, Dad, please." "It was not just a wink, it was ..." " I will always love your mom." " Yeah yeah!" "But I need to be with Mary." "The fame suffocating me." "I need to have her on tour." "So it was your greatest trick?" "To see me get my cake and eat it?" "No, Tom, it's not." "Mary is kind and sweet." "You would have thought of her." "I'm lost without her." "As a child I remember you said that I would never lie." "I was kidding." "So you're on tour because you want to meet Mary?" "Or do you need her to tour?" "You have to let me be with her while I'm performing." "It kills me not to see her." "It really killing me." "Look at me." "Look at me, my son." "Where does the mother in all this?" "She does not want to hear about Mary." "She wants me to feel good." "Should I call my mom and ask what she says about it?" "Do what you want." "I think I've been a good husband. 35 years together." "And we never said stupid things to each other." "Hi." "Walk along." "Have you forgiven me?" "Yes." "I think so." "What then?" "I have actually changed." "When I heard about your heart attack ..." "I was sad without you." "Your son sounded nice on the phone." "Yes, he's a good boy." "I do not know who he takes after." "I have started taking care of my health." "I have stopped taking alcohol." "As well, Thomas." "I've switched to beer." "And I bought a packet of vitamins." "Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Tommy Cooper!" "Thank you." "Thank you very much." "Yes, I am coming soon." "Wait a door ..." "I can not ..." "Damn barn-door, I will not come out." "Wait a minute." "There is another door, so good." "My God, this is a bear!" "I'm being attacked by a bear!" "No, it is not, it is my rock." "I must be in the closet." "Or so I have ..." "I may have been blind." "My God, I've become blind!" "Oh my God." "I have been blind." "Absolutely incredible that I have become blind." "No problem." "I'll get over it." "What is this about?" "I do not remember." "I know, I eat it." "God, it was a mistake." "Now I have a broken tooth and are stuck in a closet in a box." "How lucky audience do not know what an idiot I am." "How should I come out?" "I know, I'm backing out." "Now I'm on the wrong side of the scene." "I'm on the wrong side of the stage." "Come here, come here." "I'm on the wrong side." "Good evening, thank you." "Thanks so much." "Thank you." "My wife is crying himself to death." "I said, "What is it?" She replied: "I have homesickness."" "I said, "You're home." She said: "I long for another."" "That's right, yes." "I laugh, I know what comes next." "Eggs bag." "Bag eggs." "Egg bag, bag of eggs." "Eggs bag." "Bag eggs." "So you do the show?" "No, I do not like the thought of it." "The Royal Variety was broadcast live on television." "You have made them." "I have done much I would not do again." "Fondue evening with you and your wife makes itself felt." "It's a chance to bring joy 15 million people's boring life." "I do not occur with Joy again." "She has terrible problems with alcohol." "You earn 6000 pounds in eight minutes." "What is the point to film it live?" "So that they can call it Live from the queen." "Contrary to recorded for a couple of weeks ago from the Queen." "It was almost a joke." "I'm proud of you, Miff." "You can try another one?" "Not?" "You must be exhausted." "So you do the show?" "April 15, 1984." "I look funny out, or just stupid?" "Stupid." "I wear a big shiny rock, what's your excuse?" "Maybe we should abolish it and end at the Empty Box." "You can not end on Empty Box." "There will be little time." "Oh my God." "No wonder the old men finished with Fly Me to the Moon." "See you at the theater, Dad." "Okay thanks." "Where is my exploding pigeon?" "If I could get a pound for every time I heard it." "Okay?" " Good luck, Dad." " Thanks, honey." " Who appears you agree?" " A whole bunch." "Donny Osmond." "You loved him." "Should I take him home?" "He is married and has around eight children." "Come on." "Give my little boy a kiss." "Get dressed!" "Okay, not push!" "I'm calling in sick and me." "They have ten hours." "They have time to safely bring in Paul Daniels." "They do not want a darn Paul Daniels, they want you." "Come on!" "I went to the doctor yesterday, Sheila." "I said, "Do you have something to weather clearance?"" "He gave me a dragon." "Come here, I heat up." "I can come and see if you like." "No, I can manage." " Sleep a little before you go on." " Yes." "Have you packed my sandwiches?" "Yes." "What is it to them?" "Lamb and eggs and mayonnaise." "Is everything okay?" "Yes." "You look like you feel well." "Stop it." "I do not feel funny." "You'll be great." " Is everything okay?" " Yes." "How about you?" "You look really nice." "You too." "I do not feel funny." "HER MAJESTY'S THEATRE" "Scene responsible to the green room." "Thanks so much." "Take a drink." "Thanks, Tommy." "It will be fine." "I look after you." "Look." "They have set thy floor, right next to the stage." "Excuse me, can you throw the bum?" "What fun you are." "Try to be there on the scene sometime." "Make the scene ready Tommy Cooper repetition." "Come on, lighting, we can put the spotlight?" "Fast." "Prepare for Tommy Coopers rehearsal, please." "Come on, drink up." "I appreciate your generosity, Tommy." "But these days," "I am a bit cautious regarding alcoholic beverages." "I should not do live television performances." "We take what is out there, Tommy, and moreover, I need the money." "For once, you can not ..." "And you also need money." "Two women take care of." "Only four hours of live broadcast." "Okay, camera two, it looks good." "Thank you, Tommy." "Four, it is good." "Lighting ..." "Then to the middle camera crane." "Now steps." "Push it forward." "Yes, like that." "Laughter, laughter." "To the audience." ""It went better during the rehearsal."" "Laughter, laughter." "The audience sees how the steps going back." "They see it disappear into again." "Last joke, and the like." "Okay?" "Almost." " How's the leg?" " It hurts." "Backs?" "It has been better." "The voice?" "Little poor." "I'm in a legends presence." "No, you do not get up." "No, stay down there." "Go up, down with you." "Who is it?" "Who is he?" "Les Dennis." "I know, sweetie, I'm joking." "Live television." "Best bowel cleansing." "Just tell me not live," ""I heard it was something good on BBC 1."" "What if I get tongue-tied." "Then go into Donny Osmond and singing old Mormon favorites." "I mean seriously, what if I get tongue-tied." "When did you last out of things to speak before an audience?" "In 1949." "Ladies and gentlemen, hello!" "Svejsan!" "CHERRY - menthol flavor MEDICAL candies" " Is everything all right, Dad?" " I am totally exhausted." "You should lie down in the barn for a while?" "No, I want to look at." "Robert Mitchum!" "Entertainment industry." "There is no job for an adult, right?" "Thank goodness for that." "Counting down before the live broadcast." "About six, five ..." "Next, Tommy Cooper leads a star cast in this week ..." "Prepared text." " One." " Scroll text." "We broadcast live." "TRANSMISSION" "And bring in the audience." "Why do not you rest?" "No, I have to do this." "And bring in Jimmy." "Thank you very much." "Thank you." " Welcome to Live ..." " We take in all." "Hello, this is Tommy." "Hey buddy." "I do Live at Her Majesty's tonight." "Yeah." "What good." "Pull the joke squirrel." "I think you should see a few things." "All right." " Is that all?" " Yes, that was it." "You never called me before a performance." "Have not I?" "Why?" "All right." "Bye, Tom." "Bye." "The most exciting dancers on TV," "Brian Rogers Dancers." "GUESS WHAT YOUR ATTENTION SEEKER EVERYTHING IS NOT ABOUT YOU" ""The miners go down into a mine ..." Hugs and kisses" " Dove." "I'm waiting for you Mary." "I think that Tom once told me:" ""Mary, if you ever leave Dad it would be his death. "" "Kids, huh?" "You try to give them, but for life and so they are kind and intelligent." "It might not be true anymore." "I never said it Here you before ..." " No, you must not try my shoes." " Can we be serious?" "Just briefly." "I know my limitations." "We both, Dove and me." "I would not be a problem." "You look serious." "What's the fun in that?" "I know." "Ten seconds left Flying Pickets behavior." "Be prepared with Tommy Cooper." "Applauded." "Drive." "Three, go." "Zoom out, three." "Prepared two." "Shooting two." "Prepared." "Drive!" "Let Jimmy start." "Thank you." "They're ready for you now." "Thank you." "That was unique." "I love it." "What do they call singing in the absence of music?" "A cappella." "A cappella?" "Really?" "You get some ointment to it, so it will be fine." "In every quiz Nowadays they say," ""We asked a hundred people", right?" "I'm here if you need me." "If you were to ask 100 comedians who their favorite comedian was, would all meet Tommy Cooper!" "Do you believe in reincarnation?" "I do." "Sometimes I think I am Beethoven resurrected." "Yes, indeed." "I've had Tones in your head all day." "What?" "What do you mean by "come back"?" "I have just come in." "Charlie, turn on the kettle?" "Do you have it on?" "It suits you." "Cut to three." "And one." "I'm starting to get a bad memory." "I'm really starting to get a bad memory." "I shaved this morning and cut me, and I forgot to bleed." "Is this mine?" "Oh well." "Thank you." "Hey, everybody, how are you?" "With you, and you, and you." "My wife called me right." "She said: "There is water in the carburetor."" "I said, "Where's the car?" She said: "The River."" "I can not ride a bike, I have puncture." "Was first seen in 1957 at the Brighton Hippodrome." "I want someone holding this dice." "How many of you ..." "Hold it here." "Who can hold it?" "Hold the dice." "Now, so ..." "What I have here is diamonds, hearts, spades, clubs." "Choose freely among the four cards." "Queen of hearts, spades, clubs?" "I know what you will say." "Throw the dice again and put together the top side of the dice with bottom, and do not tell what it was." "Here comes the hard part," "I want you to halve the number, and it will be your chosen card." "What is it?" "Three and a half." "That's right." " The runner-up." " The runner-up." "I put the live pigeon in this box blank." "And the living pigeon disappear from the box in a flash." "These rings will slowly drift apart before your eyes." "Well, who was it?" "Thank you." "Thank you, dear." "What is he doing?" " What happens?" " Is it in the script?" " I do not know, do not believe it." " Is he good?" "No, it is not in the script." "Can someone tell me what happens?" "See a zoomed image instead, one." "Is that a joke?" "No, he has a sore back, would never do so." "This is true." "This does not look good." "Can someone call the company." "David, what do you want us to do?" "Should we stop sending?" "Take him behind the curtain." "Get him out of the picture." "What do you want us to do, David?" "Turn on the music." "Go to advertising." "Make your presentation ready." "We take it earlier." "Keep the wide angle of one." "Counting down to presentation five, four, three, two, one." "Applause." "This is the new Acorn Electron." "It is powerful and versatile, and costs only 199 pounds, but there is a ..." "We will broadcast live for ten seconds." "Ready on the floor." "Counts out break of five ..." " Do not move him." " Tell him he can handle himself." " We continue." " It's not possible." "All slopes a little, we need space." "It is on the edge of the stage." "You must be in front of the curtain." "Begin Jimmy." "Yes, welcome back the Live from Her Majesty's." "A big applause for Les Dennis and Dustin Gee!" "Radiology department." "Yes." "He's gone, Mom." "He's gone." "Oh, honey." "No, Tom." "There is no danger, no danger." "It will be alright." "I cleaned wind the other day the wife, disgusting, dirty, covered with cobwebs." "But she's good with the kids." "I went to Margate in the summer." "A friend said: "Go to Margate, it is good for rheumatism."" "So I went there and got it." "All the hotels were full, and I went to a boarding house, and knocked." "The matron stuck his head and asked what I wanted." "I said, "I want to stay here."" "She said: "Then do it," and closed the window." "While I was there" "I bought one of those sportdykardräkt, a full armor with mask, swim fins, tank on the back." "I did shoot me, you never know." "I went to the bay and jumped in, you should not dive in." "It's dangerous." "I went down to 45 meters depth." "I started swimming like this." "I did not care, I swam so." "The mask was covered with condensation, and flippers went like this." "Not in the front, in the back." "I swam so I did not care." "And I have ..." "I swam everywhere." "And then suddenly," "I see a man walking towards me wearing a sports jacket and gray flannels." "I thought: "It was unusually for a Thursday. "" "I swim up to him and takes out a pad and writes:" ""What are you doing down here"" ""wearing a sports jacket and gray flannels?"" "He took the pad and wrote: "I'm drowning.""