"ALICE:" "Now remember, children, never try this at home... as it is one of the most senseless things you could do." "'Cause if the phone should suddenly ring now, causing me to jump...." "Hello." "Hello, yeah." "I'm the plumber." "You called me earlier." "Yes, good." "You're not getting any hot water?" "I see you've got a little helper with you." "Not surprised if you're still using one of these...." "ALICE:" "Now, this is an interesting one." "When did boiler repairs become such a family occasion, I wonder?" "...control valve, that's what you want...." "ALICE:" "I suppose it's a bit like taking her to the zoo." "See, they use vulcanised rubber...." "Does he really think I understand what he's saying?" "The whole point, surely, is that I don't." "290." "Otherwise, I'd be a heating engineer." "Of course, it doesn't help that we're now gradually paring down every word in the English language to one syllable." "You'll need a whole new combi and stat." "I mean, a "stat"may be a thermostat to him." "But what if I was a tennis commentator?" "There'd be all sorts of confusion." "Munchkin, can you run through there, put your hand on the rad...." "And telling her to check the rad?" "She might go off looking for, I don't know, a radical Muslim." "Then he'd be sorry." "Sorry, excuse me." "Hello, I'm sorry to trouble you." "My name's Emma Carson." "I live on the first floor, flat number 1 2." "Yes?" "Hello." "We have shared the lift a few times, but...." "Actually, it's a little bit private, could we...." "Oh." "Right." "Yes." "Hang on." "Only, I've got a bit of a problem, which is...." "Basically, my partner Mike and I have lived in this block now for four years." "And, well, things between us, all that time it's been fine, you know." "I've got a good job at the Council." "He's still studying for his medical degree to become a doctor." "Oh, God!" "It's that terrible, terrible thing... when you find out the person you share your life with... may be emotionally involved with someone else." "Oh, dear." "That must be such a shock." "Erm, Emma, I don't want to be rude, but I was actually just in the middle of...." "Shock isn't the word when he's never even met you, as such, or more than passed the time of day with you in the lobby to have developed this insane sexual lust he can't control." "It's not only illogical, frankly, it's abnormal." "Insane sexual lust?" "For me?" "I know!" "I mean, how sad is that?" "At his age, to be into some weird Oedipus trip." "It's like...." "God!" "I mean, can you imagine?" "At the most intimate moment you can ever share with someone, he starts crying out, "The woman at 42." "Oh, the woman at 42."" "Never on your life!" ""The woman at 42." He said that?" "Or sometimes just, "The woman with the eyebrows."" "'Cause, obviously, he doesn't know your name, so...." "And he admits, of course, it's a completely impersonal, physical attraction based on just the sight of you going to work in the mornings." "You know how a woman in uniform, for some men, can just pull the trigger." "Is that right?" "God!" "And is that what I've been doing?" "I'm so sorry." "Pulling his trigger in the mornings." "So I don't know...." "The only thing I could think of that would bring him to his senses, would be if...." "Well, maybe you could call round some time and have a little chat with him." "So that he could see for himself you're not what he thinks you are." "This mythic sex goddess for whom he can't control his insane lust." "Exactly." "You're just you." "With no disrespect, but, I mean, really!" "My Lord, if I could turn now to page 34 of the script, scene 1 1 A..." ""The doors to the pub are thrown open" ""and Yootha emerges, now completely rat-arsed," ""staggers across the pavement" ""then promptly disappears down a hole in the road."" "Hardly the pinnacle of wit, you would have to say?" "Well, possibly not, but...." "I mean, one wouldn't confuse it with a passage from Swift, for example." "Or the works of Thurber." "Yes." "But that's not really the point, is it?" "I mean, for goodness sake, I think we're getting completely sidetracked here, aren't we?" "The whole point is...." "And, yet, you're asking the court to believe, Mrs Blunt, that your husband, a man of sound mind and generally good health, by stumbling upon this moment while surfing through the television channels... literally died with laughter." "His heart just gave out on the spot." "He just started rocking about in the chair, tears streaming down his face and then...." "There is no doubt in my mind, whatsoever." "If it wasn't for that show, he'd be alive today." "Your name is Clark Kramer and you work as what's called the show runner on Lollipop Men." "Correct." "Perhaps you could explain to us what that involves." "Right." "We have a team of six or seven writers, all working round a table on each episode, tabling the draft, as we call it." "And I'm, I guess you'd say, the orchestra conductor, steering the whole process, keeping them out of jail...." "Ajob for which you were selected because of your extensive experience in the field of situation comedy," "both here and in the United States." "That's what they tell me." "And this moment from your show, Yootha's drunken pratfall... on a scale of hilarity from one to ten, how would you rate that, Mr Kramer?" "Well, let's be generous and say four and a half?" "GIL:" "I may throw up." "He thinks you can measure how funny something is?" "Like you can just go away and plug it into the joke-meter." "Scale of hilarity?" "We're in the realms of Heisenberg here." "There is no absolute value beyond that perceived by the observer." "But then, this whole gig is insane." "You got the makers of a comedy show desperately trying to convince a jury their work was a bummer so they don't have to pay damages." "Did I do the right thing?" "Getting out after the first series." "Though I have to say, poor old Clark's doing a great job down there just keeping a straight face." "So let me put it to you again, Mr Kramer, another way." "If instead of making jokes, you were making a bed.... ...been a TV critic on that newspaper now for how long, Mr Jephson?" "Oh, let's see, just coming up to 1 1 years." "Indeed." "In fact, I think you have a review there, penned by your good self, for the programme in question, which I wonder if you might read to us." ""The ever-affable Lollipop Men have managed once again to hit the comic solar plexus" ""with a sublime display of slapstick from Marilyn Macaulay" ""as the ketchup-haired dipso, Yootha..." ""whose hysterical acrobatics and unerring instinct for physical comedy" ""are without equal on British television."" "Strong praise for the lady, Mr Jephson." "And if I were to produce evidence, as I shall, which will prove that Miss Macaulay's "sublime displays of slapstick"" "are, in fact, performed by various stunt women wearing red wigs, this would not affect the high regard you have for her work?" "Erm, well...." "The whole point here, Mr Jephson, being your credibility as an arbiter of all that's good and bad in the world of comedy." "We rely on people like you, do we not, to set us straight on these matters." "Well, hopefully I have some useful contribution to make...." "No further questions, My Lord." "WOMAN:" "Stupid place to leave a road with a hole in it!" "ALICE:" "Oh, dear, oh, dear." "No, I'm sorry, any man who wears a hat at a meal table, who is not undergoing chemotherapy, is a pretentious prat." "CLEO:" "I'd have to second that." "MILLY:" "No question." "MILLY:" "Whereas he has got definite potential." "CLEO:" "Oh, God, yeah." "MILLY:" "What about her?" "You think they're involved?" "CLEO:" "You wouldn't be asking that if you'd seen them in the lobby this morning, having jazz sex together." "Jazz sex?" "Yeah, you know this quartet they've got playing there all week as you come in?" "I tell you, some of those duets they go into." "Wow." "MILLY:" "Oh, really?" "What?" "Erotic?" "CLEO:" "They do everything except make babies." "Which reminds me, I didn't tell you, did I?" "I found out yesterday I've got a secret admirer." "Since when?" "Who?" "This guy who lives in one of the flats in my block." "Get out of town!" "What's he like?" "Well, he's tall, quite good looking as I remember, dark hair, and studying to become a doctor." "And according to the woman he lives with, every time they make love, he...." "Well, no I can't say it." "Can't say what?" "What can't you say?" "Well, apparently he fantasises... that it's me." "Which she feels is seriously threatening their relationship." "I mean, you can see her point." "Will you stop being so reasonable?" "It sounds as if he's there for the taking." "Yes, well." "The way she goes on about it, as if fancying me is a sign of mental illness." "And now she wants me to call round and have a word with him on the basis that when he actually meets me, he'll get a nasty shock, so...." "I don't know, I suppose I'd better." "Maybe on Wednesday 'cause... tomorrow's the anniversary of my mum's death, and I won't be much use to anyone when I get back from that cemetery." "Well, if I were you, I would not close off any options at this stage." "'Cause you never know, Ali," "I tell you, when that magic moment's gonna strike." "Based on your amazing adventures yesterday." "Here we go, what's this?" "I suppose you're gonna top my story, as usual." "Well, you're probably not gonna believe this." "But last night, I'm just coming back to my car with some shopping...." "Oi!" "Get out!" "Open this...." "Right, you little shit." "What do you think you're doing?" "Get out of this car now." "I'm calling the police." "You get out, you mad cow, if you don't want that lovely face of yours rearranged!" "I'm not going anywhere." "This is my car, you little shit." "Ooh!" "What was all that about?" "God!" "Okay, look." "If we're gonna go on seeing each other, Billy, we have got to get the undressing sorted out." "'Cause that was definitely all out of kilter." "I know, I just got a bit ahead of the game there." "Sorry." "I mean, there's a coat hanger just there." "You could have at least let me get my top layer off, so it doesn't get all creased up like a bit of rag." "I'll try and take more care in the future." "Well, just mind you do." "Words fail me, which is probably just as well." "Oh, listen, 2:00." "Remember that photographer's coming back for the in-house magazine?" "If you just want to check yourself over...." "Can't imagine what he wants to take pictures of me for with all you lot around." "Don't knock it, Ali." "You're obviously flavour of the month at the moment." "I know." "And it's very worrying." "Keep smiling." "You've got a lovely smile." "Just come in...." "That's great." "Just this way, please, Ali." "Hey, congratulations, if that's the right word, 'cause that could've gone either way in there." "Hey." "When did you get back in town?" "Good to see you, man." "How're you doing?" "Yeah, good." "How are you doing?" "I mean, was that a riot?" "Twenty-six years in the business, I couldn't write that." "In fact, it's now been proved in a court of law, I have no talent as a humorist." "So, there you go." "What do we know?" "We know the show was a piece of over-produced pantomime which should've had more respect for its own material." "Bless you for your bullshit." "Then it would've been twice as funny and half as successful." "Hey!" "Hey." "We did it." "What did I say?" "I know." "And I think we have to sign up that barrister immediately, 'cause his timing in there was a thing of joy." "Yeah, wasn't it?" "Gil, this is Vanessa, who joined us after you jumped ship." "And to say she has more than filled your shoes...." "Implies I have big feet." "So, can we stop there, please?" "And what are you up to these days, having moved on to bigger and better things?" "Well, currently, I'm...." "Just finished this new one-off comedy drama, which, all being well, we start shooting in a couple of weeks so...." "So, you got some time free?" "You could come back and work with us for a bit, on this cruddy sitcom pilot we've been roped into." "What do you reckon?" "Now Eric's gone sick." "We could twist his arm." "Yeah?" "What kind of sitcom?" "You promise not to scream in a public place if I say the name Tiffany Turner?" "You didn't see that docu-soap Up The Aisle and Down the Local?" "About a family from Deptford getting ready for their daughter's wedding?" "She was the "bridesmaid from hell"." "Three months, 1 2 million viewers, and never off the front page." "And the distinction between celebrity and non-entity having now all but vanished in our society." "You know how it works these days, flash your tits a few times and sleep with your best friend's fiancé, they give you a TV show in which you play a loud, randy teenager who can't act." "Are you ready for the title?" "Lover's Tiff, which...." "I don't think anyone's actually owned up to that one yet, have they?" "Seriously, if you want to hang out with us for a week, I could get you a great deal." "Or... you may prefer to have your toenails pulled out very slowly, which would be arguably less painful." "But don't feel you have to decide now." "I'll give you a ring tonight." "ALICE:" "How do you ever cope?" "I'm still no closer to knowing." "Not only with the fact that someone doesn't exist anymore... but trying to retrieve what did exist." "When time just continues to dim the memories... and everything about you that was so special" "I can feel, slipping away from me, year by year." "Like a wound that you never want to heal." "It's the only way, I suppose, life can go on." "for stopping by in this garden of remembrance and eternal peace." "And try not to grieve too much for those who have passed on to a better life." "As you watch me now, I am no more." "Merely dust beneath your feet." "But I want to assure you that in the last few weeks of my life," "I had come to terms with my illness." "Though my time on this earth was running out," "I wanted to be sure that all of you who came here would remember me with only fond and happy thoughts." "And that in celebration of my life, you might care to join me now in a favourite hymn by John Bunyan." "♪ He who would valour see" "♪ Let him come hither" "♪ One here.... ♪" "Can you believe this?" "I mean, with all due respect to the poor young woman and her family, to say that it's lowered the whole tone of the place...." "I recognise her." "She used to work in the cake shop in Studley Road." "My God, she can't have been more than 30 years old." "Whatever happened?" "Apparently it's set off by some kind of sensor or something every time someone walks past." "But, well, it's just not on, is it, quite frankly?" "Oh, I'm Angela Biswell, by the way." "My father's in the next plot but one." "This used to be such a quiet and peaceful cemetery." "To have to put up with this kind of noise nuisance, I think you'll agree, is beyond the pale." "So...." "Yes, I know." "Erm, sorry, what did you say?" "We're getting up a petition, if you'd like to sign, to have her removed." "♪ Hobgoblin nor foul fiend.... ♪" "You are a complete and utter piece of low-life." "I can't believe you would do a thing like that." "With Mark!" "We was both pissed out of our heads." "It didn't mean anything, Sharon." "It was like just a legless leg-over, what do you want me to say?" "SHARON:" "Great timing, Tiff." "Sharon, get off!" "No, no, that was just...." "It's like, you know, we're really good mates, really, so, underneath it all." "We just have these little explosions from time to time, and then...." "When we watched that back together pissing ourselves, it was such a hoot." "Hey." "Hello." "Come on in." "How was it?" "I'll go get your keys." "You have a good time down there?" "Yes, it was good." "Really nice, actually." "My sister's place, I think I told you, is right near the sea, so...." "Oh!" "Isn't that, what's her name?" "What's she up to now, Tiffany Turner?" "Yeah." "You know this person?" "What, the bridesmaid from hell?" "Who doesn't?" "Well...." "Can you believe they've just offered her a sitcom pilot?" "This old buddy of mine from the States has cajoled me onto the writing team so he sent me over this show reel of hers to get me in the mood." "It's everything I'd turned my back on, you know." "But I thought it might do me some good to get out of the house for a week, have a few laughs." "No, I know." "It can't be much fun for you stuck up there at that desk all day long on your own." "It's no fun being single, is it?" "Right." "And you're still...." "Not?" "Not... anything, Gil, sadly." "No, but I live in hopes." "And do you know what?" "I'll swear blind he's been round that house while I've been away." "Poking around at my diary." "That's definitely been moved." "'Cause I know he'll be panicking now I might have found someone else." "God, he'd go ballistic." "But, you know, that's like, "Tough, Bob, I'm sorry." ""You should have thought of that before you started buying your thrills" ""from that goofy-looking article in...."" "Anyway." "This isn't helping you with your work, is it?" "So...." "Anyway, thanks ever so much for keeping an eye on everything." "No problem, Irene." "And maybe you should get those locks changed." "Maybe I will." "Good idea." "See you." "Bye." "I'm not a soft touch." "But this is." "A loo roll with a difference." "MAN:" "Thanks to its triple-ply cushioning, Harley's toilet tissue is extra kind to even the most sensitive skin." "It's the only one for me." "And contrary to rumours, I'm very particular." "♪ Harley Loo Rolls, Harley Loo Rolls ♪" "You okay, Ali?" "What is it, that thing again?" "Please don't call it a thing." "It's not a thing." "It's just a twinge." "That's all, at the moment." "Yes, can I help?" "'Cause, I mean, that was all I needed yesterday, wasn't it, on top of everything else?" "I can't believe I signed a petition to have someone evicted from their grave." "But that wasn't the worst of it." "The worst of it was when I called in at the cake shop on my way back to find out what she actually died of at the ripe old age of 31 ." "And it was just what you never want to hear." "What?" "Never mind." "Can we talk about something else, please?" "Something here you can talk about." "I don't think you'll be very thrilled." "What?" "Remember those pictures they took of you the other day?" "Oh, well, that's really wonderful, isn't it?" ""Do you have the dynamic, thrusting personality that's needed to become a top sales assistant" ""or is your job on the counter just a daily chore?" ""Find out your retail rating" ""by checking your attributes against the two archetypes below."" "Oh, no." "Look at all the things they've put here." ""Hunched posture denotes tension and insecurity." ""Forced, sickly smile" ""suggests attempt to project a false air of confidence." ""Floppy, pigeon-toed stance" ""associated with equivocation and indecision."" "It is just outrageous." "You could sue them for libel." "Unfortunately, you can only sue for libel if it's not true." "Yes, but...." "Well, I've a good mind to ring up their editor, I tell you." "What's the point?" "It'd just be a waste of time." "Oh, yes, that tallies, look." ""Glazed, faraway look in eyes, classic sign of an apathetic nature."" "Okay, scene four, where are we?" ""Tiffany enters the office," ""Moose is standing by the photocopier, filling his face with a cheeseburger." ""She says, 'What are you doing with that great unhealthy lump of junk?" "'" ""He says, 'It's just a cheeseburger."'" ""She says, 'I was talking to the cheeseburger."'" "Well, goodbye, folks." "That one's dead in the water, I'm afraid." "She didn't go for it, so delete, please, Lisa." "What do you mean?" "Didn't go for it, she didn't think it was funny." "Didn't she realise we were up all night translating from the original Latin?" "You heard the way it bombed at the read-through." "Of course it bombed, because she hit the word cheeseburger." ""It's just a cheeseburger." "I was talking to the cheeseburger."" "Duh!" "What did I tell you guys our first day here?" "She may know her way round a dick, but she knows dick about comedy." "That's a given, so come on, we need a new put-down here for Moose." "So let's go." "He's already eaten the cheeseburger when she comes in and he's just sucking the last drop of ketchup out of that little sachet." "He says, "That Big Mac was a bit tasteless."" ""You're meant to take it out of the box."" ""That Big Mac was really tasteless." "Yeah, it matches your shirt."" "Yeah, I suppose, if we're really desperate." "Which I think we know we are." "We could always wheel out this party piece." "What's this?" "Robby Todd, the actor who plays Moose, has the ability to hold a belch for 35 seconds, nonstop." "Which, tragically, will get a bigger laugh than anything we could ever write." "Okay." "All right." "Listen, so she'll just stand there staring at him and she waits for him to finish, and what does she say?" "She says?" ""God, you are unbelievable."" ""I didn't know you were an atheist."" "Yes." ""Enough with your atheist remarks." -"Which, as a Quaker, I find very offensive."" "As a practising Quaker." ""As a practising Quaker, I find most offensive."" "Yeah." "You don't think the religious heterodoxy might be a little bit taxing for her?" ""What's an atheist?" -"What's a Quaker?" "Is that like a posh duck?"" "Maybe." "You think we should be hitting on the fact he's really heavy to tie in with that stuff later on in the restaurant?" "That is a really good point, actually." "How about...." "He says...." "No, she says, "Have you ever heard of the word diet?"" "He says, "Why?" "Are you implying I'm overweight?"" ""Overweight?" "Before you arrived, this office was on the top floor."" "Nice." "Fantastic!" "Good." "That'll work." "Okay." "Everybody agreed?" "Yes, print it." "Let's order the ice cream." "So what do you think?" "How's he gonna fare down there?" "You know, I swear you were actually having fun." "Yeah, does it show?" "'Cause I think I'd forgotten how good this is for the soul." "Well, that just goes to prove you need to get out more and interact a little." "So, is that good?" "What is that, blueberry?" "You want a try?" "You've got some...." "Okie dokie, folkies." "Looks like we have a new star player on the team." "Hey!" "She got to your line, fell on the floor." "Well, it's like you said." "She knows dick about comedy." "And then, you know that thing when someone says to you," ""With no disrespect, but...."" "Oh, God!" "You know something horrible's coming." "That is always the precursor to an insult." ""With no disrespect, but...." God, I would've smacked her one." "Where did that word come from?" "Precursor?" "What?" "That's right, isn't it?" "Something that comes before?" "I heard some bloke use it the other day on the radio, I just...." "Nicked it off him." "As is your custom." "That's right!" "This is not actually funny, is it, Milly?" "Not really." "Because thieving isn't funny." "Is it, Billy?" "I think we agreed?" "Yeah, of course we did." "Yeah." "Come on." "I mean, do I look a mug?" "Everything I said, I meant it." "You know that." "Ooh!" "You know what I think would be good for you, Ali, is colonic irrigation." "I'm serious!" "Clean sweep of things sometimes, you'd be surprised." "Yeah, but you wanna be careful of all that because what I heard, if you don't keep up the payments, they come round and put it all back." "Behave yourself." "Gonna just pop to the loo then." "Ali?" "No, thank you." "What's he like?" "Yeah." "Why do they do that, women?" "Always go off together to the toilet." "Do you actually want to know?" "It's to compare notes on the global economy and the restrictive practice of trade tariffs." "And honestly, it is so heavy, the political debate that goes on in front of that mirror, when all I want to do is just shove a bit of lipstick on." "So I tend to give it a miss." "Look, I know what you're thinking." "What is she doing going out with a miscreant like me, right?" "Piece of shit who was trying to steal her car." "Which, yeah, I was, but...." "Is that the right word, miscreant?" "Miscreant piece of shit." "But it's like, it doesn't matter, does it?" "How you find someone." "In the weirdest ways sometimes, because all I know is, me and Cleo...." "I mean, she says she's gonna straighten me out, and she will." "And I want her to, because I just think, when it's meant to be, with two people, that's fate." "You can't fight it." "And it's like with you and this guy in your flats." "I mean, if he's up for it, why not?" "Hm." "Well, somehow I don't think so, Billy." "Sounds to me as if he's stuck in a dead relationship he'd kill to get out of." "He could be the best thing that's ever happened to you." "But you're not gonna find out, Alice, are you?" "Unless you put it to the test." "See, it all depends on you." "And whether I'm a go-getter or a non-starter." "Sorry?" "Have you ever heard of the word diet?" "Why?" "You implying I'm overweight?" "Overweight?" "Before you arrived this office was on the top floor." "No!" "Don't stress the word "top", you imbecile!" "You just destroyed the whole elegance." "What's that, 1 2 jokes now she's killed since the recording started?" "And we're only on scene four." "Every line, a bum note." "But, look on the bright side, no one's gonna die laughing this time." "It got a reaction." "Yeah, like the reaction I get when I eat shellfish." "That was a mass exhalation of derision." "I've got a bloody awful gut ache." "That figures, you've got a bloody awful gut." "Oh, God!" "She's done it again!" "Isn't one hangover enough for you in the mornings?" "Whatever that happy pill was she was popping before the show, hasn't improved her timing." "Are you serious?" "They let her get away with that?" "She's a celebrity now." "And I use both hands." "Probably had the recreational drugs written into her contract." "You see, after all this, working on your own again will be a doddle." "Except I've got a horrible feeling I'm gonna miss the company." "And the catering." "Definitely the catering." "Although, my own catering is...." "Yeah?" "Pretty top-notch?" "Well... you know, if you're ever near my place and feeling hungry...." "That sounds like an invitation." "When?" "Tomorrow night?" "So... that guy in your flat." "Did you ever decide to...." "Sorry?" "No!" "Um..." "I don't know." "Perhaps tonight." "What are you doing?" "She's coming around for dinner!" "I mean, come on." "This is lunacy." "Yeah, but, in the event of the unexpected, you know." "Never underestimate the value of a little crisp, clean cotton." "VANESSA:" "Gil?" "Hello?" "Vanessa!" "How're you doing, is everything okay?" "VANESSA:" "Yeah, no problem." "We're just running a bit late, that's all." "There's been a big accident so it's taking a while to clear." "How long do you think before we get going again?" "CLARK:" "I don't know, 20, 25 minutes." "It's gonna slow us down, no question." "VANESSA:" "Yeah, so we're probably talking about 8.:30 now, is that okay?" "8:30, yeah, that'll be fine." "...so, see you then." "Yeah, look forward to it." "Bye." "Gil Raymond, how do you manage it?" "GIL:" "Yeah, like she's gonna be sitting there all unattached and available waiting for you!" "Grow up!" "And now you've got a whole evening ahead of you, Mr Sad, Single Guy All On His Own." "Watching her and Clark cosying up to each other." "Oh, shit!" "Why not?" "Because you've got a lot of credit there in the Bank of Moral Support." "I mean, if anyone owes you...." "Irene." "Yes!" "Hi, how are you?" "Listen, I know this is really short notice, but I was wondering if you were free at all tonight for a little dinner party." "ALICE:" "Now, come on." "You've got to put all that "friendly advice" right out of your head and be grown up about this." "For the sake of their relationship, it's the least you can do." "I mean, he's barely past puberty." "What can he know about the complex emotions of adulthood?" "Once he sees you out of that uniform, in a boring old trouser suit, we'll have a nice, sensible chat, the three of us, and put this whole silly affair into perspective." "Oh, my God." "Hello." "Mike, is it?" "My name's Alice, from upstairs?" "You might want to tell Emma I'm here because... she told me, you know, that...." "Emma's gone out for the evening." "Come in." "Oh, right." "God!" "I can't believe she would just...." "I mean, just knock on your door like that and...." "It's like, her whole attitude whenever we try and discuss all this, is so patronising." "Like it's just some twitty little schoolboy crush on my part." "She can't conceive that my interest in you could be motivated by anything other than physical lust." "I suppose she said that to you." "Well, she did sort of intimate...." "And that is a big part of it, obviously." "Okay." "But, it's so much more than that." "The first day I saw you, there was such a...." "I don't know." "Positive energy and empathy about you." "So much, I could tell, going on in your head, and such wisdom in your eyes." "I knew right off the bat that there was no way we wouldn't hit it off if we ever got together." "That you were obviously very special." "Yes, Mike." "Can I just stop you there, do you think, before we get ahead of ourselves because..." "I'm not sure... there isn't a little bit of that crush thing you were talking about, do you reckon?" "I mean, when you really get down to it." "I love that outfit, by the way." "Because if you actually stop and...." "Really?" "Oh, bless you." "You know, it's just...." "I'm afraid I've always found women in trousers a serious turn-on." "What is it, do you think?" "The poise and elegance?" "I don't know, it's just so flattering." "But sorry, go on." "Er...." "Yes, I seem to have forgotten what I was talking about." "Anyway, look, sit down." "Can I get you a glass of wine or something?" "Yes, thank you!" "Big help that would be, I think." "God, I'm talking backwards." "Just give me a second." "You see, I'm just a bit concerned, Mike, that...." "You know, you've got a lovely relationship here with Emma, and, you know, a lovely home together." "Is that what she said to you?" "Well, yes, she...." "Thanks." "Well... let me tell you, there's been a lot of reconstructive surgery there just lately." "I wouldn't say the prognosis is good." "So...." "But let's talk about you, Alice." "You work in London?" "Sorry?" "Yes." "Well, I'm... an account manager" "for a large fragrance company." "Erm...." "Men's and women's perfumes, cosmetics, skin-care products." "We have this franchise, within the store, so it's half-governed by them, administratively, but... we retain the status of an independent concession... as far as... sales and the trading aspect of it all." "What?" "What is it, what can you feel?" "Nothing!" "No, nothing." "Yes, you can." "You're a doctor." "Or training to be one." "What did you just feel down there?" "Calm down, Alice." "God, you're as nervous as a kitten." "I am, aren't I?" "Sorry." "It's just...." "Do you think I could use your toilet?" "Absolutely." "God." "Look, I'm sorry." "I shouldn't have...." "Oh, my God!" "Ah!" "Finally." "My God, do you think you could live somewhere a bit easier to get to?" "Like Tibet, or if they had more than one taxi at your railway station it'd be a help." "I had to wait 20 minutes...." "What?" "Er, no." "No, no, no." "It's great to see you." "I mean, because dear old Clark, I know he meant well, but...." ""I can drop you off at Euston, it's on my way home."" "I'd have been quicker walking." "Anyway I think I'm ready for that large drink you were about to offer me so...." "This is all a bit nice, isn't it?" "Right!" "You'll be ready for that." "...and if it hadn't been for this nice man, who's been more of a comfort to me, actually, than I think he realises," "I might never have got through it." "Really?" "Wow." "I can imagine... that must have been quite a shock to the system." "I'll tell you, it absolutely just shows how you can never take anyone for granted in this life." "Doesn't it?" "When you think of all the time we waste..." "on emotional dead ends." "Jumping to all the wrong conclusions." "It's like, you think you've got the measure of someone and then...." "And sometimes, maybe you have except..." "you don't even know it because...." "IRENE:" "Relationships!" "When you look at everything that has to be factored in." "I don't know, Vanessa, it's probably very different for you these days but... when I was young, I mean that whole thing, you know, of your racial background." "I know, myself, so often could be an issue with boys that...." "What?" "I beg your pardon?" "I'm sorry." "What do you mean, your racial background?" "Well, the fact that I was black." "I mean, 30 years ago, you know." "Rather less enlightened times, I'm afraid." "I know." "People are always surprised, obviously." "Because with my mother being white...." "You know, sometimes in cases like mine, it's impossible to tell...." "Oh, no, I mean even to this day... genetically or whatever, in my own mind, I've never thought of myself as anything else." "So, anyway...." "I suppose that's another story." "What the hell is going on here?" "Emma?" "He's just gone to the chemist's." "He should be back in a second." "Erm, you might want to pop out for a while." "It appears to be a faecal impaction in the lower colonic tract, which I'm just hoping will respond to treatment." "If you could give us about 20 minutes." "What sort of treatment?" "What have you got in that bag?" "Oh, God!" "Michael." "Come on, she's in the most terrible pain here." "I think it's the least we can do." "Now, this might be a little bit uncomfortable just to start with." "ALICE:" "Okay." "Well." "Thank you very much." "Both of you, for a lovely meal." "Yeah." "Vanessa, maybe if I give you a call...." "Yeah, why not?" "Sometime." "It was nice to have met you, Irene." "Actually, I really wasn't trying to horn in, you know, so, you didn't have to play the race card." "See you, Gil." "What is her problem?" "Right now?" "Her problem, I would guess, is me." "Right now, in her eyes I am just one big burlap sack of monkey shit... who appears to like black women, so long as they're white." "Oh, God!" "Sorry." "So...." "Right, well...." "I suppose I'll... say goodnight, then." "Oh, God, what are we doing?" "Should we be doing this?" "Do you think?" "Because, I mean... obviously, I've always had the sense there was something you weren't telling me." "I mean, right after that first night when I came round here and found that photo... you'd been playing around with, I mean...." "Putting my face on your husband's body?" "I mean, that was...." "You saw that and you never said anything?" "What was I going to say?" "I mean, you were going through a traumatic time." "You can't know how traumatic." "When your whole life is turned inside out like that, what it does to you inside is just...." "I can imagine." "Oh, my God!" "It's his car!" "It's Bob!" "Are you serious?" "Well that's it, I'm dead!" "We're all dead!" "Irene." "What are you doing here?" "For the love of God, please, please, sweetheart." "I'm just all out of apologies." "You can't be enjoying this anymore than I am." "I just...." "I just want things to be... like they were before...." "They will be, I promise." "Oh, God, Gil." "You had me scared there for a minute." "I thought she'd got a man in here or something." "No, you know, I just called around for a chat." "Make sure she was okay." "Oh, bless you!" "I appreciate that." "Of course, I just started wittering on...." "About how much she was missing you, if you want to know." "Boring him witless, I dare say." "About my stupid antics." "You know, I've been such an idiot, Gil." "Well, we all make mistakes." "We wouldn't be human." "Any of us." "You've proved it for yourself." "The grass is definitely not greener, no way." "What do you mean?" "What grass?" "Sorry?" "Whose grass is this we're talking about?" "Or would you rather not say?" "Nobody's!" "Of course not!" "My God!" "I might have known!" "And what difference would it make anyway?" "I'm hardly out of the door and you're at it!" "Right off the bloody starting blocks!" "Who was he?" "Excuse me, I don't think you're in any position to start laying down the law." "Who was he?" "The dustman, okay?" "His name was Ray." "Do you want all the sordid details?" "It's obviously an area you specialise in!" "Thank you very much, no!" "The erotic appeal of the refuse collection industry, I'm afraid, is sadly lost on me." "Don't you dare start to patronise me like that!" "This is unbelievable." "I've got to go." "I'm sorry." "I'm trying to get my head around this." "Okay, I suppose I'll be...." "Where the hell do you think you're going?" "Sorry?" "Faecal impaction." "Isn't that the one where...." "Glenn Close jumps out of the bath with a knife, yes, very funny." "What?" "No, I wasn't gonna say that." "I was gonna say the one where they get a long tube, like Cleo was talking about the other night, and then...." "Yes, thank you, Milly." "If we could just stop there, do you think?" "Before we get into any form of description that includes the word "squirt"." "I wish I'd never mentioned it." "The results were, happily, very beneficial, I have to give him that." "I suppose that more or less put the kibosh on anything else between the two of you." "Did it?" "After that?" "What do you think?" "Thank God it did." "If he hadn't suddenly set it all off like that, poking and prodding me about...." "I'm sorry." "It frightens me to think, how much I was weakening." "And as for him, to just have no qualms whatsoever about the damage you're doing to a relationship." "Though, we don't know if it was that great to start with." "I'm not talking about his relationship, I mean my relationship." "Apparently, she'd already told him" "I was happily married with a five-year-old daughter!" "Based on the fact she'd seen that plumber and his little girl there when she called round my flat." "All of which appeared to bother him not one jot, so...." "What was all that about?" "I can't believe you were discussing Dave Brubeck." "No, just a bit of mutual consolation." "You know, after yesterday." "God, I know." "I mean, how must he feel?" "Here we go again." "The eventful lives we all lead." "What's happened now?" "Well, I suppose, nothing I couldn't see coming a mile off." "I was just going back to my car again, wasn't I, last night...." "Still, I suppose, at least it showed he'd taken on board what you said about that." "It's a shame because he was such a joker." "The things he'd come out with always made you laugh." "Except I never did manage to stop him stealing, did I?" "Cars, other blokes' girlfriends." "It was like in that song." "What was that?" "Something about a joker and a thief." "I can't remember." "Sorry?" ""There must be some way out of here said the joker to the thief."" "It's from All Along the Watchtower." "Was it?" "Very probably." "Who's Raymond Rosario?" "Oh, yes!" "Sorry, I forgot to tell you." "The editor of that house magazine rang while you were in the loo." "He said he was really sorry about that picture they used in the feature." "He said it was all just meant to be a bit of fun." "The photographer should definitely have explained that to you beforehand." "He said he was desperate to make amends and was there any chance he could buy you lunch." "I have to say, actually, Ali, he sounded very fit." "Really?" "Yeah, hello." "Hi, Gil, it's Clark." "Oh, hi, how're you doing?" "I'm spectacularly good as it happens, but...." "Hey, what happened with you and Vanessa?" "I thought that looked as if it was going somewhere." "Oh, yeah, well." "It was one of those plots that really doesn't hang together, but it happened all the same." "Involving my next door neighbour and her husband and this prostitute he was seeing, and I'd really have to draw you a diagram." "Why, anyway?" "What did she say about me?" "Well, she kind of didn't have to say anything." "I mean, she's a great character, I adore her, but a little unforgiving, you'd have to say, when she feels she's been let down." "So, you think I should wait a while before I get in touch?" "Right!" "If you give her a call in the early spring of 201 2, she might be more receptive." "Listen, the reason I rang." "I just thought you should know this because it's gonna be on the front page of every tabloid newspaper in the morning." "Tiffany Turner, sadly, will not be making any more sitcom pilots." "Oh, really?" "The folks upstairs took one look at the show...." "Apparently were even more appalled than we were." "They called in her agent last night." "He broke the news to her this morning." "And at 3:00 this afternoon... they found her." "CLARK:" "They figure she'd taken five of those magic pills, washed down with a bottle of vodka." "Oh, shit!" "I know." "Well, you know." "Sadly, that's the philosophy of our age." "If you're not up there on that little screen, you might as well not exist." "Most of us, happily, get the chance to grow older and wiser, but...." "Kid would've been 1 9 next week." "We'll... have a beer some time." "Yeah." "Keep in touch." "Yes, hello." "I'm meeting Mr Raymond Rosario?" "Raymond!" "Are you well?" "I'm absolutely fine!" "Oh, right." "Bye, then."