"I've got you now." "That's it, my little misunderstood friend." "Nibble the powdery cinnamon bliss." "No!" "Your path ends in death!" "(woman screams)" "(baby cries)" "(baby giggles)" "(people gasp)" "Nooooooo!" "You have been saved." "No charge." "Aaargh!" "This is certainly an ironic situation, with an apex predator there and me over here, holding this little guy at the bottom of the food chain and all." "Hey, Mom!" "Look what I found." "Ace Irwin Ventura, get out of that habitat and away from that man-eating alligator this instant!" "OK." "Stay!" "Aaaaargh!" " How many times have I told you?" " A million." " Visiting me..." "... is a privilege." " And this is the last time I get to come here if I'm...... going to behave this way." " I'm serious, Ace." " You're always serious, Mom." " And do you know why?" " Because you're not gonna lose me like you lost Dad." "I'm sorry, Mom." "I don't know why I had to save him, I just did." "It's a mouse, Ace." "That's why we have traps here." "You are not" " I repeat, not - responsible for every stray animal in every corner of this planet." " I'm not?" " No!" "Now give me the mouse." "And the hedgehog." "And the guinea pig." "And the ferret." "And the toad." "Oh!" "There we go." "What?" " Baby gator." " What baby gator?" "Fine." "Here." "Now you're late for school." "Let's go." " Hey, what's that?" " Ace!" " What's going on over here?" " Honey." "Honey, come back here." " Ace." "OK, look..." " Pong Ping?" "The Chinese government loaned us Pong Ping and Ting Tang, the world's most famous pandas." "There's gonna be an unveiling next week." "Now..." "I know." "I promise." "No trying to find missing pets or helping animals or any thing." " Even if they're about to get run over." " OK, that's not what I mean." "And I will try to be normal." "Thank you, A.J. Now will you please go to school?" "OK." "(bell rings)" "(Ace Jr.) Normal." "Normal." "Must be normal." "(boy) Tara, is it true what happened to your pet?" "Yeah." "I woke up this morning and my pet rabbit Mimzy was totally gone." "Rabbit." "Mimzy." "Lost!" " Of course we're depressed." " Our skunk's been missing two weeks." "We're emotional wrecks about it." "I will be normal." " My friend can't find her chinchilla." " (boy) This is really weird." "It's an animal-nabbing epidemic!" " (boy) Laura, what about you?" " You think that's bad?" "The other day, Greeny, my incredibly rare emerald-green koi fish, vanished out of the aquarium." "Aargh!" "(PA) Your attention, please." "I have some sad news." "Mr. Chompers, our beloved swim-team mascot, has gone missing." "Any student with information is requested to report to the pool immediately." "Well, he's gone." "Do you know where our mascot is or not?" " Well, I wouldn't say I know where he is." " But you know who took him?" " Not exactly." " But you have some kind of lead?" " Define "lead. "" " Forget this loser." "No." "Wait!" "I can find him." " What makes you think that?" " I just... know I can." "Ooh, what are you?" "Some kind of pet... finder guy?" "(girls laugh)" "Just give me four day s." "What have you got to lose?" "You got 72 hours." "OK. 72 hours." "That's like... two weeks." "That's great!" "(dog barks)" "I know what Mom said, but this is important." "She won't find out." "(whimpers)" "Cowboy up, dog, because we're not just gonna go find Mr. Chompers." "I hear a whole lot of lost pets calling my name." "(rings bell)" "That'll do it." " This is the busiest intersection in town, Ox." " (brakes screech and car crashes)" "Thousands of people will see this." "Recognize your Mimzy?" " No." " Number three, hop to the right." "Uh-oh." "Number one Just went number two." "Number four, stop doing that to number three!" "Would you guys stop multiplying?" "Well, how about now?" "Lost hamster." "Milk for Milton." "Help find Milton." "Runaway rodent." "Do a brother a solid." "Milk for Milton." "Please, help find Milton." " I found Milton!" " No." "Uh-uh." "I didn't find Milton." "Offensive action!" "Three, two, one." "(both fart)" "(skunk splutters)" "Now, that's offensive." " Stop toying with our emotions." " That's not Breezy, moron!" " (girl) Skunk!" " (girls scream)" "Waaaaah!" "It's called "papering the town," Oxnard." "Avery effective method for disseminating information." "(Ox barks)" "That's not true." "I treat everyone of my missing pets exactly the same, no matter who they belong to." "Well, here we are, Ox." "Casa de Laura Wilson's house." " The scene of the crime." " (barks)" "Sorry, old friend." "Now's not the time to tell Laura how I feel." " (Ox barks)" " I am not scared to talk to her." "(Ox growls)" "Oh, you think so, huh?" "Yeah, well, watch and learn, Puppy Chow." "We'll find her pet, and then I'll find time to express how I really feel." " Hi, Ace." " (shouts) Oh, my God, you're pretty!" " What?" " (Ox whimpers)" "Um..." "Your koi fish." "She's itty-bitty." "Yeah, she sure is." "Much like a grunion." "Stand aside, ma'am." "Clues don't find themselves, you know." "Oxnard, while I'm young?" "Crime scene is secure." "No sign of forced entries." "Initial suspects include the scuba man and the treasure chest." "Remember when I brought her into school as part of my report on unusual animals?" "The next morning when I woke up, Greeny was gone." "Really?" "Case number 349A49320451." "Neptune-Alpha-Charlie-Horse." "Missing green koi fish." "Answers to Greeny." "Question." "Have you tried calling her?" " Calling her?" "She's a fish." " Uh-uh-uh." " May I?" " Sure." "(gargles) Greeny!" "Greeny!" "Greeny!" "Greeny!" "Yoo-hoo!" " Well, she's gone." " Yeah." "Owner is one Laura Wilson." "Smart, funny, Great listener. (sniffs)" "Excellent personal hygiene, a smile that'll make you feel like pudding inside and skin like peaches and cream." "Except for maybe this one spot on her perfectly formed chin." " Possibly a pimple?" " A pimple?" "Where?" "!" " Oh, I'm such an idiot." " (barks)" "No one asked you." "Um..." "Oxnard and I must be going now." "Anyway, your collection of aquatic friends will have their emerald companion back in..." " (clock ticks) - (bell chimes) ...three day s." " Really?" " I promise." "You broke your promise." "What did I tell you?" "That I'm not responsible for the well-being of every stray animal in every corner of the planet." " But, Mom, I had to." " Do you think I like scooping poop all day?" "I don't." "I got this job so you could see animals as much as you want, when you want, safely and with complete supervision." "Yeah, but it's not the same, OK?" "I want to find lost animals." "I love it." "OK, I tried every other extracurricular activity you wanted me to and I mastered them all." "What?" "(sings loudly) Aaaaaaaaaah!" "Next." "(blows whistle)" "Bananas." "P- r-e-t-t-y." "Pretty." " (man) That is correct." " (applause)" "Your word is "antidisestablishmentarianism. "" "P- r-e-t-t-y." " Pretty." " (buzzer)" "(sniffs)" " This was a dumb idea!" " (loud splash)" "Aaaaaargh!" "Argh!" "OK, may be I didn't master all of them, but may be athletics aren't my calling." "W- wait, was Dad an athlete?" "A good speller?" "An entertainer?" "This is not about your dad." "We'll talk about him another time." " Mom, you always say that." " I'm not ready for that talk yet." " We can have it when you're older." " (Ox burps)" "I am older, Mom." "I'm 12 years old and I'm starting to have all these weird feelings and I don't have a dad for..." ""that talk. "" "Honey, every body your age has those feelings." "No, Mom. (slurps noisily)" "Not these feelings." "That's it!" "You are not eating out of a dog bowl, you are not sticking your head out of a car window and you'll use the toilet for something other than drinking." "You'll be like other kids!" " But, Mom, this is who I am." " No, it's not." "It's who you're acting like." "(panda squeals)" "(panda roars)" "(pandas whine)" "Huh?" "!" "(farts)" " Morning." " Good morning, Mom." " Hey, what's with that hat on?" " What hat?" " Ace." " It's what all the kids are doing." "You said you wanted me to be like them, so here you go." "Not at the table." "Mom." "Mom, the cereal!" " Oh, my God." " What?" " It's happening." " What is it?" "(man) Put your hands up!" "Stay still!" "Don't move!" " Melissa Ventura?" " Yeah." "Oh, wow." "One more punch and you get a free yogurt." "What? "The Cinnamon Hippo"?" "Is that like Chuck E Cheese?" "Never mind that." "Russell Hollander, NBFW." " National Bureau of Fish and Wildlife." " Smart kid." "I'm in charge here." "Do you have any idea how often they let a member of Fish and Wildlife lead a SWAT team?" "Yeah." "Never." "You guy s don't even get badges." "You wear patches." "Give me that." "I'll have you arrested for assaulting a federal officer." "OK, fine." "Jeez." "But, technically, police dogs outrank you." " (man) Ranger Hollander?" "They're towing your car, sir." " Again?" "(Melissa) Wait." "Can't you just tell us what you're looking for?" "Your case is the biggest in history." "They're calling guy s back from Alaska for this." "Playing dumb isn't gonna work." "You left a lot of evidence at the scene, Mrs. Ventura." "We found your shoeprints all over the place." " In English, Ranger Smith." " Ting Tang has been stolen." "My mom works for the zoo." "Of course her prints are there." "And your bank accounts show you live pay check-to-pay check." "I suspect a panda cub brings big bucks on the black market." "We've found something, sir!" "What is this?" " Your ransom note?" " Somebody sent that." "I don't even know what it means." " And this." " A tranquilizer gun." " Sir, your finger... prints." " Recently fired." "They give us all tranquilizer guns." "I used it to sedate a chimpanzee." "That was actually very funny." "He grabbed this tourist's leg and started..." "That's enough, Ace." "Melissa Ventura, you're under arrest." " What?" "(snarls and growls)" " Whoa, whoa!" "Down, boy!" "Down, boy!" "Down, boy!" "Down!" "Down!" "(snarls)" "It's all been a mistake." "This has all been a mistake." "There you go." "There we go." "We'll sort it all out." "That's so good." "It's like chocolate." "Mm." "They're so addictive." "(gasps)" " (Hollander) Come on." " Not until I make a call for someone to stay with my son." " Give her the cellphone." " Mom, I'll find Ting Tang." "No." "You promised." "I don't want you to do any thing, Ace." "One call." " OK, while you walk." "Come on." " I'm gonna call his grandfather." "But, Mom, Grandpa's gonna be on a cruise for another four weeks." " I'm calling your other grandpa." " What other grandpa?" "Grandpa..." " Ventura." " Huh?" "Rex?" "It's Melissa." "(coughing and wheezing)" "(coughing continues)" "Come on, Spark." "Come on, Spark." "Sorry about that." "Hello, Ace." "Grandpa?" "First thing, y our mom is fine." "She's gonna have a bail hearing on Friday." "You can see her then." "(wheezes)" "(coughs)" "Darn hairballs." "What can you do?" "My cat's on his eighth life." "There are some spots he's simply too old to lick himself." "(retches)" "(coughs)" " Too much information." " Well, Ace, I haven't seen you since you were a baby." "What are you now?" "84?" " Grandpa, I'm 12." " Right." "Dog years." "84 years old." "I'll bet you're helping animals by now, aren't you?" "Come on, show me your office." "Come on, Sparky." "Come on, Sparky." "Here we go." "Attaboy." "So, these are the animals you're trying to find, huh?" "Well, I was, but then Mom said it was too dangerous." "Re-he-eally?" "(Laura) Hi, Ace." " You obsess much?" " What?" "About Laura?" "No, not really." "Sometimes." "May be." "Yeah, I do." " Hey, Grandpa, can I ask you a question?" " Sure thing." "What was my dad like?" "Well, what did your mom tell you about him?" "Nothing." "She say s that he disappeared on a business trip when I was a baby and that I'm too young to know the rest." "Yeah, well, your mom's got good reasons why she doesn't want to talk about him." "But can I ask you this?" "Have you ever wondered why you keep looking for lost animals?" " Because..." " Because why?" " I don't know." " Because you're a Ventura!" "A Ventura." "Now, although it took along time for our ancestors to develop a kinship with the animal world, eventually, we won them over." "Even the carnivores." "Down through history, the Ventura line continued, including Charles Ventura Darwin." "You know who he was, don't you?" "He was the evolution guy, right?" "Survival of the least loo-hoo-hoo-oser-est." "Did you know a Ventura would never harm an animal?" "One of your ancestors, the great Antarctic explorer Sir Ernest Ventura Shackleton." "Although he and his crew were starving to death, they would not eat a penguin." "Jacques Ventura Cousteau, who invented the scuba suit so that finally man could commune with his watery brethren." "It fit like a glove." "So, you see, Ace Jr., the Ventura line has along and storied career of animal advocacy, communion and search and rescue." "Well, was my dad like the other Venturas?" "I've probably said too much already, but your mom was in trouble and I thought you needed to know." "So, what you're saying is that I should go out and try to find Ting Tang?" "I'm not saying any thing." "I'm just saying." "Saying what?" "Your Y chromosome has the Ventura mutation." "You're one of us." " Come on, Sparky." " Um..." "Grandpa, I'm..." "I'm pretty sure he's dead." "He's not dead." "He's sleeping." "Come on." "Did you hear what he said?" "My goodness." "My goodness!" "(grunting)" "Hey, if I say over the wall, it's over the wall." "Don't be a maverick." "Let's go." "Aaaargh!" "Jeez!" "I didn't know the lunch lady had a nightjob." "(Hollander) "Russell Hollander, NBFW CSI:" "Orlando. "" "I like the way that sounds." "I left no stone unturned, no clue undiscovered." "Case closed, Melissa Ventura." " You are guilty." " That guy is one big-time sick monkey, my friend." "(growls)" "Case number 349A49320452." "Alpha-Beta-Delta-Airlines." "Missing panda cub." "Answers to Ting Tang." "Or, if you speak Panda, "Grrrrr. "" "On loan from national government." "Country:" "China." "Crime scene shows no sign of disturbance." "As expected, my mom's shoeprints are everywhere." "And the only other prints are panda..." "Or are they?" "Holy roly-poly!" " I knew it." " (Pong Ping growls)" "Uh-oh." "Hey, look, Pong Ping, I'm a family friend." "I knew your uncle when he was here." "Chan Chin, or..." "Uh, Bing Bang, or..." "Hong Kong?" "Wang Chung?" "(growls sorrowfully)" "You miss your cub?" "Yeah, I miss my mom, too." "But I found some really important clues while I was here." "(Pong Ping whines)" "I'm not the world's greatest, uh... pet sleuth?" "Finder?" "Investigator?" "I don't know." "But... but I'll try." "I promise." "Hey, kid!" "Are you Arnold Plushinski?" "Yeah, but call me A-Plus." "Aargh!" "(boy) You're dead, Plushinski!" "I mean it!" "Move!" "Uh-oh." "That can't be good." "(girls scream)" "(computerized voice) Proximity alert." "Proximity alert." "Prox..." "Just give up the gummies, Plushinski, and the horror will end!" "Never!" "Excuse me." "Move!" "Argh!" "Aaargh!" "Move it!" "Get out of the way!" "Where is he?" "You can't hide the gummies forever, Plushinski!" "Where'd he go?" "(bell rings)" "Hello?" "A" " Plus?" "(A-Plus) Why are you talking to me?" " Who just said that?" " (A-Plus) No one ever talks to me, except bullies." "You're not gonna beat me up, are you?" "No." "I need your help." "(A-Plus) Oh." "In here." "What the... (loudly) Awesome!" "(whispers) Awesome." "Holy cellar-dweller, Batman!" "This place is..." "How did you build this?" "This whole place was forgotten about during a renovation, but I found a way in." "Made my lab." "I can't believe I have a friend and I didn't even have to grow him in a petri dish." "Oh, my God, those are giant gummy worms." "Hey!" "Uh, st..." " That's a bully-tracking device." " Huh?" "They transmit to my GPS here." "A bully eats a harmless-looking candy and it gets into his digestive tract." "I can track him for up to 18 hours." " 12 if he eats chili." " Ugh!" "So, how can I help you... friend?" "Um..." "I have some measurements that I need analyzed." "(Ace Jr.) These prints are 1.5mm deep, as differentiated from these, which are 2.3mm and these, which are 5mm." "Fascinating, Captain." "These measurements clearly indicate prints made by three different organisms, weighing approximately 125Ibs, 183.253Ibs and 390Ibs respectively." "So, any thing else?" "We're in like Tolkien." "Here's a picture of the guy who runs the site." "His email address is m. sickinger@penningtoncorp. net." "Pennington Corporation." "That's Pennington Jr. 's father's company." " Oh, he's so cool." " Isn't that the kid who rides to school in the limousine?" "Yes." "And he's extraordinarily popular." "Of all the tables in the cafeteria, his is the furthest away from mine." "(snorts with laughter)" " Do you mind if I keep one of these?" " Of course." "OK." "I'll just..." "I'll just, um... be on my way." "I'll be on my way." "I will talk to you later." "Really?" "And you won't even pretend like I'm not there or give me a swirly?" " No, no." " Awesome!" "(whines)" " (Ace Jr.) Grandpa, I'm pretty sure he's dead." " No!" "He's just a good actor." "Dead dogs don't get dinner." "(whimpers)" "Huh." "All right." "Hard day at the office?" "It's just that I found all these clues to help Mom's case, but to do that, I had to break my promise to her." "So, you're working on a case?" " Yeah." " You know what they call those working on cases?" "Yeah." "Cops." "Face it, Grandpa." "I'm just a kid who lied to his mom." "I don't know what to do." "Well, you can start by being who you are." "Who you were born to be." "Now, lying to your mom is one thing, but lying to yourself, Ace Jr..." "Son, that leads to a life of disappointment." "That's not normal." "I will be normal." "Hah!" "Hi, this is Pennington Jr." "With a very special message just for you." "You're invited to my birthday party." "Lucky you." "(murmurs) Yes, I'm invited." "I'm invited." " I'm invited!" " (all cheer)" "Uh-uh-uh-uh." "Press." "Perez Ventura." "I'm here to interview Pennington Jr." " Nope, not on the list." " List?" "What list?" "I don't care about no stinking list!" "I'm with the Daily Rumor Mill." "School paper." "Familiar with freedom of the press?" "It's in something called the Constitution of the United States." "You should read it sometime." "Whoa, whoa, whoa!" "Don't Taser me, bro." "First-Amendment violation." "(clicks fingers) Let him through." "(man) Put him down, boy s." "(camera clicks)" "That's admissible evidence." "I haven't been humiliated like this since they started making us shower after P.E. Ugh!" "We're on a tight schedule." "You got three minutes." "(camera clicks)" "Is that a forest up there?" "Man, you gotta clip those nose hairs." "You could make a teddy bear out of that." "Wow." " You cleaned up Big Foot here real nice." " We pride ourselves on good relations with the press." "But the invitations have been recorded." "There's really nothing I can do." " (man) Waiter, lunch." " Please, take this pass." "It will get you into the gymnasium on the day of the party, where we'll be web casting the whole thing." " It'll make headlines." " Oh, that's terrific, sport." "Here's a few for you." ""Billionaire Boy In Liposuction Incident. "" "Or, "I Had Pennington Jr. 's Alien Love Baby. " I'm great with Photoshop." "You're threatening to blackmail me unless I give you information." "I'm a paparazzi." "It's what I do." "But I will get off your back if you tell me about this guy." "Dr. Michael Sickinger." "A brilliant scientist who worked for our animal-genetics laboratory." " It's one of the finest." " Indubitably." "Unfortunately, he's quite insane." " Incontinently." " He harbors a bizarre hatred for pandas." "Incomprehensibly." "Does he still work for your father?" "Oh, no." "We fired him just a few weeks ago." "I believe he's now the chief of non-telegenic species research at the Dinosaur Fossils Foundation." " What?" " I don't know what it means either." "Ask him yourself." "Oh, I will." "Bye-bye, then." "Every shot I take, a Picasso." "No touching the camera!" " Where is my rabbit, loser?" " Nice to see you too, Tara." "You were supposed to find Breezy a week ago." " You owe us for the extra therapy session." " I can't comment on an ongoing investigation." "Argh!" "Holy magenta!" "You guys look like a box of crayons." "Uh-oh!" "Why do you always travel in a flock?" "Ladies, is this really necessary?" "Can't we talk this over like civilized adults?" "You can IM me and I'll text you back." "You said I had 72 hours!" " You've had eight day s." " Two kinds of people, people." " People that pee in the pool and people who lie about it." " Find Mr. Chompers or go swimming again tomorrow." "(bell rings)" "(girls laugh)" "(imitates girls'laughter)" " What?" " Get to class, Ventura." "I gotta break into Dr. Sickinger's office so you can upload his hard drive." "(A-Plus) Oh, I can only do that in my lab." "Would you get out of there?" "Come on, the coast is clear." " Sounds like a three-man job." "Hey, why are you all we... - (shouts angry gibberish) ...with the wet, OK?" "About the three-man job." "I know someone." "But it's gonna take all my power of persuasion to convince this beautiful animal-lover to commit a level-five felony." "Please help me break into the Dinosaur Fossil Foundation so we can stop the guy who stole Ting Tang and save my mom before she's sent to prison!" "Um..." "OK." " Really?" " Yeah." " Are those from my mom's garden?" " Nah." "Shut up." "Right this way, folks." "Stick together." "OK." "You are all in for a very special treat - the rarest, most complete tyrannosaur skeleton in existence." "It has an estimated value of $100 million." "Uh-huh." "Do not touch it." " $100 million?" " You want your fish back, you're hot?" ""Or not?" Don't worry, this plan is gravy." "Every body, stay close." "We're on a tight schedule." " Oh, a T. Rex." "Cool." " I'm sorry, sir." "No pets allowed." "He's my Seeing Eye dog." "He's facing backwards." "And you're not blind." "I can see again!" "I can see!" "It's a miracle!" "It's a miracle!" " Sir." "I mean it, you..." " Fine." "I'll take him off." "I'm so sorry about all this." " Make him stop doing that!" " He's a dog, it's a bone." "Do the math." "Wha..." "Oh." "Oh, jeez." "Oxnard Hueneme Carpinteria Ventura, you get back here right now!" "Sir, that is a priceless skeleton unearthed in the Bad Lands..." "Please!" "This thing's lasted millions of years." " It's going to survive a little doggy love nibble." " (crunch)" "May be not." "Oh!" "OK." "OK." "I told you it would work." "Now go." "I'll meet you in the dinosaur cavern." "Go." "Security!" " (man) Have you seen a little kid run past here?" " Come on, let's go!" " A-Plus, are you there?" " Affirmative." "This is so cool." "Now I have two friends." "Let's start a band." "Do you play an instrument?" "I used to play the bagpipes, But my legs are too skinny for a kilt." "Come on!" "I'm in the office and it's really freaky in here." "Tell me what to do." "Ohhh!" "Argh!" "(man) Don't let him get away!" "He went this way!" "(man #2) That's him!" "Aaargh!" "Oh!" "OK." "Your program's running." " Oh, one other thing." " What?" "In my instant messenger, can I move you from "Contacts" to "Buddies"?" " No." " Can I put you on my fave five?" " No." " My Space add?" "Denied." "But we're friends now, right?" "Sure, A-Plus." "We're friends." "And you're a girl, right?" "Duh." "So I can call you my girlfriend, right?" "Fine, be that way." " (man #1) There he goes!" "There he goes!" " (man #2) Get out of my way!" "No, I'm going first!" "You..." "OK, it's finished." "(man) He's over there!" "Beep beep!" " Copy that." " (man) Come here, kid!" "Come here!" "(men shout angrily)" "Argh!" "Jeez!" "With the sneaking up on me, OK?" " Mission accomplished." "Where's Ox?" " Well, I don't know." "He's alone wolf." " You're putting that bone back." " Fine." "(man) All right, he's in the tunnel!" "Give me a flashlight." "Let's go!" "This way!" "Whoa!" "(man) Stay where you are!" "Fan out." "Do you Heely?" "(# "Anthem"by Zebrahead)" " Shall we?" " Let's do." "Fun time's over." "Go!" "Hey, that's my girl!" "Got you!" "Got you!" "(whistles)" "Vámonos!" " (Laura) You're not gonna let him keep that?" " I'll put it back later." "Good job, Ox." "Where are the kids?" "Where did they go?" "Which way?" "Bunch of idiots!" "Oh, man." "Her financial situation is dire and, as the bears' keeper, she has ready access to the panda house at any time." "The agency's skilled forensics team has concluded that the only fresh footprints at the crime scene belong to Mrs. Ventura." "I object!" "Excuse me." "Who are you?" "Ace Ventura Darrow Hutz Junior, Esquire, of the following law firms - one minute " "Dewey, Fleeceum  Grab, Wiley, Little  Weasel," "Shakem, Down  Hard, Cheap, Ambulance  Chaser," "Imontha, Take  Lovitt, Ben, Dover  Grunt, and the non-profit Mater Innocentus." "My mom is innocent." "Your Honor, I represent the defendant." "Your Honor, this is ridiculous." "He's a 12-year-old behavioral case and the defendant's son." "This is a bail hearing." "Character is pertinent." "Continue, young man." "Ow, that must have hurt, and it's only gonna get worse." "Pay attention." " Thank you, paralegal Laura." " You're very welcome." "(Ace Jr." "Farts)" " Come on, Your Honor!" " Pardon me, Your Honor." "My bad." " Thank you, pretty paralegal Laura." " You're very welcome, Mr. Esquire." "Come on, boy s." "Drop it. (grunts) OK, I'm good, I'm good." "The only footprints that Agent Hollander and his personal CSI" " Complete Stupid Idiots - found at the scene were... (breathless) OK, a little help." "It's getting really heavy, bailiffs." "Please!" "And let me remind you, you're under oath!" " I'm not." " I want the truth!" "You can't handle the truth!" "Be seated, you maggot, immediately, if not sooner!" "Anyway, the only footprints that Ranger Blockhead found in the habitat, besides my mom's shoeprints, were panda prints." "The average panda weighs 352Ibs, with a body mass index of 21.34." "At over five feet in length, the panda has slightly offset weight distribution." "They use a thumb-like sesamoid bone for stability, and would create a 5mm-deep footprint." "But, as you can see, these are 2.3mm-deep footprints, that I just created by adding 75Ibs to my weight." "A man weighing 183Ibs would indeed establish a print depth of 2.3mm." "We are looking for a 183Ibs man, not a..." "Mom, how much do you weigh?" " 110." " You wanna be free or not?" " 135...." "135Ibs woman." "If the footprints don't fit, you must acquit." "(applause)" " Order!" "Order!" " (Ace Jr.) Thank you, thank you!" "That's Ventura with a V, as in victory." "I plead for acquittal, Your Honor." "Game, set, match." "Cut, print, moving on, and scene." "Let me get this straight." "You trespassed on a federal crime scene." "Or you're just making all this up." "Um..." "Well..." "It's a hypothesis." "A theory, if you will." "Well, that's terrific, tiger." "But, listen, right now, the grown-ups have to send your mommy to jail... unless someone else wants to put on a Halloween costume and vandalize the courtroom?" "(laughter)" "Order!" "I'm sorry, young man." "It's an interesting theory, but this case involves an endangered species, international relations." "Bail is set at $500,000." "Melissa Ventura, you're remanded to the custody of the state of Florida." "Ace, where did you get all that information?" " You promised you wouldn't..." " But Grandpa said..." " He carries around a dead dog, Ace." " It's not dead, it's just sleeping." "I thought I could help you solve the case by finding Ting Tang or something, but no one believes me, not even you." "Of course I do." "I just don't want to lose you." " Like you lost Dad?" " Yeah, like I lost Dad." "I realize now that no matter what I say, you're gonna be who you are." "I want you to know the truth about your dad." "I just didn't talk about him Or what he did because I..." "I didn't want you to follow in his footsteps." "What happened to him?" "He was on a case." "Using an ultralight plane, he was leading a flock of disabled Canadian snow geese back to their winter breeding ground in Miami." "They said that he got disoriented, and he vanished from radar somewhere over the Bermuda Triangle." "Oh, Ace." "Time is up." "Gotta Get you on the bus." "I've been saving something for you." "Your father bought this." "He wanted you to have it when you were old enough, and now you are." "Look up in the attic." "You'll find it there." " No, Mom, I promise, I'll be normal." " Be who you are, Ace!" "Hollander will find the panda napper and we'll be a family again." " I love you, Ace!" " I love you, Mom." "Ace, I'm so sorry." "So what do we do now?" "Nothing." "I'm a loser." "It's over." "Sorry about your koi fish." "Come on, Ox." "Hey, Laura, where the heck is Bermuda?" "I have no idea." "That's not what I think it is, is it?" "I guess." "Your mom gave that to you?" "Yeah, but it's not important." "What about the animals?" "Animals have never brought me any thing but trouble." "I gotta be like everyone else, Grandpa." " You can't." " Well, I will if it kills me." "You'll never be like every one else, 'cause you're one in a million." "Just like your ancestors." "Just like your father." "Eat your own food, Ox." "I've been trying to get you to figure this out, but I guess I'm just gonna have to come out and say it." " Say what?" " The magic word." "Don't you know what you are?" "I'm a kid, right?" "You're more than that." "You're a pet... detective." " Like my dad?" " Yeah." " What was he like?" " Just like you." "And you know, this thing you threw away," "this is the key to your future." "All righty, then." "(# "Ace Is In The House"by Tone Loc)" " Nice outfit." " Let's talk fashion." "Tara's wearing the latest in the "Spoiled and Shallow" collection." "Love the shoes." "Hate you!" "Ventura, our therapist said for us to order you to stop inflicting emotional damage on us." "Franken Berry called." "Count Chocula wants his wardrobe back." "And the sun's out." "Get back in your caskets." "Is there a veterinarian in the house?" "Because these are some sick puppies." "Hey, watch the hair!" "Oxnard, I need you!" "Time for another motivational dunking, dork!" " No, but you don't underst..." " (Ox barks)" "Jeez, next time you're late like that, I'm buying a cat." "(Ox barks)" "Tell your dog to back off, Ventura!" "Are you crazy?" "I'm not going near him!" "He looks rabid." "And he can smell your fear." "(barks)" "You are Spartan!" " What about our alligator?" " I told you I'd find him, and I will." "But right now, I've got bigger fish to fry." "Oxnard!" "Allons-y, muchacho!" "Oh, and sorry about that whole buying a cat thing." "Ace?" "Ventura..." "Junior." "Pet Detective." "Um..." "OK." " What's wrong?" " The question, young Laura, is what is right?" "The answer - every thing." " So you feel like solving that case?" " I thought you gave up." "Even Tiger Woods shanks one from time to time." "But the past is past." " Now, A-Plus." " Wow!" "This table is great." "I looked through Sickinger's hard drive." "He's a biological researcher specializing in non-telegenic endangered organisms." " In English, Mr. Spock." " He advocates for ugly animals." "He planned a demonstration for like-minded activists at a publicity stop for a famous feline." "OK, I didn't understand a word you just said, except for "ugly animals" and "Sickinger. "" "He's organizing a protest at Tabby the Tabby's autograph session at the Animal Actors Studio at Universal, Orlando." "It looks like we're going on a field trip." "L'chaim!" "I'll take a few of these for the road. 2% next time." " Field trip?" "Wait, do I need a permission slip?" " No, you don't!" "Have a meow-tastic day." "Thanks for coming." "Tabby say s, "Have a meow-tastic day. "" "Thanks for coming." "Tabby say s, "Have a meow-tastic day!"" "Thanks for coming." "Tabby says, "Have a meow-tastic day!"" "Thanks for coming." "Tabby says, "Have a meow-tastic day!"" "There's Sickinger!" "No justice, no peace!" "Equal Treatment for ugly species!" "No justice, no peace!" "Equal Treatment for ugly species!" "Take him down!" "He's an eco-terrorist!" "Cease and desist immediately, or I'll be forced to use this!" "Don't even think about moving!" "Slow down!" "Just stop!" "(speaker blares)" " Don't Tase me, bro!" " Get him!" "No justice, no peace!" "No justice, no..." " We shall not be silenced!" " Be quiet!" "Ugly animals of the world, unite!" " You have nothing to lose..." " This guy is crazy." "...but your leashes!" " We shall not be silenced!" " (Taser buzzes)" " Ow!" " (woman screams)" "Tabby is gone!" "Find Tabby!" "Tabby's gone!" "Yikes!" "Tabby's been nabbed." " Tabby!" " This is bigger than I thought." "Sickinger must be running some sort of criminal animal-napping network." "Oh, the humanity!" "Tabby!" "I know you don't want to, Ace, But you better talk to Hollander." "Now he'll listen to you." " You're not listening!" " I'm sorry, what?" "Dr. Sickinger - we saw him creating a distraction at the Animal Actors stadium when Tabby vanished!" "This is a major criminal network." "We have evidence." " Tabby the Tabby." " Catnapped." " Ting Tang." " You know what happened to him." " Princess." " Championship West Highland terrier." "Her Majesty was stolen from a meaningless international dog show last week!" " Freedom the Hawk." " Mascot for Stars and Stripes Burger Company." "His freedom was taken when he was stolen from the Jacksonville veterinarian!" "They even took Snuggles, the fabric softening bear." " They took Snuggles?" " Yes!" "And?" "Sickinger's organization is stealing famous animals!" "Jeez!" "You're welcome for solving the case, doing your job!" "Need me to wipe your butt for you?" "I just did!" "So when can I get my mom back?" "Ten, 20 years, I'd say." "What?" "!" "You see, doorstop, a major investigation like this takes on a life all of its own." "I think your mom's guilty, and I spent all morning on CNN saying she is." "Her case is putting this agency on the map." "Look at what they gave us." "And that's just the beginning." "Get this." "CSI:" "Fish and Wildlife." "Guess who's gonna play me?" "Gumby." "I didn't want it to have to come to this, Russell, but now it's on." "Ha!" "Ha!" " Out." " With the pushing!" "I am gonna get Sickinger, solve this case, prove my mom's innocent, and show the world what an idiot you are!" "Nice hair." "(laughing)" "This used to be the most pristine Tyrannosaurus skeleton on Earth, formerly valued at $100 million." "(Ace Jr.) How much is it worth now?" "(sighs) Substantially less." "Please do not touch it." "Let's move very carefully to the gift shop." "I don't think it looks that bad." "Here, you put it back." "You put it back." " Yes?" " Dr. Sickinger, I presume?" "Wait!" "Who are you?" "Ace Ventura Jr." "Pet Detective." " You're kidding me, right?" " Do I look like I'm kidding?" "I get it!" "Young supporters of the cause, yes!" "Oh, it's brilliant!" "Yes, yes." "You're never too young for political mobilization." "We don't want to join your movement." "Look, buddy, my mom's in jail because of you, so tell us where the panda is so we can get him back to the zoo." "If I were going to steal an animal from the zoo, the panda is the last one I'd take." "I don't think you understand." "(plucks guitar string)" "This is the Madagascan Aye-aye." " Ugh!" " The Proboscis Monkey." " Big nose." "Ugh!" "The Chinese paddlefish." "The Marabou Stork." "All of them endangered, yet no one's ever heard of them." " You know why?" " No." "They're hideous." "Ugly." " Butt-ugly, actually." " You got it there." "(Sickinger) Whoops!" "Sorry, that one's from vacation." "Ace, shoot me now." "Lights, lights." "And this has what to do with the panda?" "Well, every thing!" "We put all of these cute creatures in zoos, and then we spend insane amounts of money to protect them." "And for what?" "(retches)" "I started the Pandafanatic website to get attention for my cause." "That's all." "I didn't kidnap Ting Tang, or any of those other animals." "All species of animals, including the ugly ones, should be treated with the same respect as the cute ones, like pandas." "I think I just busted this case wide open." "Amigos, vámonos!" "I have a car." "Ace!" "So what's going on?" "Well, here's the plot up until now." "Our perpetrator is stealing famous animals." "And there's none more famous than Calypso." "He played the hero unicorn in the epic trilogy that they shot in New Zealand." "His owners are doing a benefit magic performance today, and I got a feeling our thief is gonna try and steal him there." "Punch it." "Here's the plan." "Doc, you watch the exits." "Ox." "You watch Doc." "Let's go." "Hi." "(Ace Jr.) OK, when we get past this, A-Plus, Laura, split up." "Whoever finds Calypso, call in." "We'll stake out the perpetrators and wait for them to reveal themselves." "I've been looking around here all day." " I can't find Calypso." " He's right over there." "(man) For my next illusion..." " Magic show...." "I need a volunteer." "(crowd shouts)" " (man) A volunteer?" "Who wants to be in the show?" " (Ace Jr.) Me!" "Here!" "Pick me!" "You." "How about you?" " No, no, me!" "Hey, wannabe magic man." " Any one else?" " Me!" " Sure, son." "OK, go inspect the box." "You'll see that there are no mirrors." "There are no strings." "There are no trap doors." " What's he doing?" " I don't know." "Ace Irwin Ventura Jr." "At your service." " Don't worry, you'll be OK." " (man) This is what I do." " Are there any back doors?" " There are no back doors." " Are there any mirrors?" " No mirrors!" " All right, go on." " Stranger danger." " Give him a big hand." " (applause)" "Raise the box." "You won't believe what you're about to see." "Every one, remain calm." "One, two, three!" "(crowd cheers)" "And now..." "Close the box." "Raise the box, gentlemen, raise the box." "I'm a professional, so nobody try this at home." "And now..." "Calypso!" "What the...?" "!" " What happened?" " (man #2) Where's my horse?" "Where's Calypso?" "That horse gets six million a picture." " Where's Calypso?" " Houdini, I want him back." "That kid right there." "The volunteer." "He must know something." "What, me?" "No." "Where would I be keeping a horse that big?" "In my pocket?" " Where's Calypso?" " Why don't you check your mother's house?" " He's just joking." " Come on!" " Just get him!" " Hey, kid!" " Stop!" " (Ace Jr.) Slow down, Simba!" " (Laura) Calypso's really gone?" " (Ace Jr.) My plan worked!" " (A-Plus) What plan?" " I fed him one of your homing devices." "Strawberry gummy, he loved it." "Now he's gonna lead us to whoever's behind all this treachery." " Get him!" " Stop!" "Sickinger, start the car!" "I think they have rabies!" "Here." "Dog." "Car, car!" " Seatbelts!" " Seatbelts?" "What, are you kidding me?" "Let's go!" "Where's my horse?" "!" "They're getting off the highway at Palm Grove." "That's where all the rich kids from our school live, but where exactly?" " My invitation!" " (mocking) My invitation." "You're invited to my birthday party this Saturday, at3421 Tropicana Avenue." "OK, party people." "Suit up!" "Party?" "I haven't partied since '99." "Ox, vámonos!" "(A-Plus) No, up there." "No, wait!" "Wait, stop, stop!" "Stop right here!" " No, stop here!" "Stop!" " I'm stopping, backseat driver!" "All right, Laura and I are going inside." "If we're not back by three o'clock, implement... plan B." "Synchronize watches." "Let's go." "A red carpet?" "What is this, an awards show?" "Where's Joan Rivers when you need her?" "Hey, you, make sure no weirdos get in here." "Talk about filthy stinking rich." "Do you know where the back of the line is?" "How's the wife and kids?" "What's the word I'm looking for?" " It's very regal." " Exactly." "Egomaniacal." " Thank you." " Holy Shaq!" "How many puberties have you gone through?" "!" " All right." " Thank you." "Wear the wristband at all times." "Whoa." "Invite only, kid." " He's my date." " What, did you lose a bet?" "Ha ha!" "You're killing me, Smalls." "How about you pick on somebody your own size?" "Like Sasquatch." "Now band me." " Gray areas are off limits." " Yeah, yeah, yeah." "(machine bleeps)" " Electronic device." " Here." "Don't touchy the hair!" "I haven't been treated this badly since I got sick in a country with socialized medicine." " 10,000 shares of Exxon stock!" "Awesome!" " (disappointed) I got a Rolex." " Didn't you bring him a gift?" " I got him the one thing he doesn't have." " What?" " Nothing." "Holy real estate!" "This place probably has its own zip code." "I bet you we need an exit visa to get out of here." "Best party ever!" "Bananas!" "Get out of the way." "Make room for Mr. Pennington." "Ooh, it's Mr. Big Scary Billionaire Man." ""Pirates of the Caribbean" is the other side of town, sport." " Don't touch me." " Stay back, people." "Thank you." "Out of the way." "He's mean." "Young ladies and gentlemen, may I direct your attention to the sky!" "The Pennington Estate now proudly presents the moment we've all been waiting for." "Put your hands together and welcome my son," "Pennington, Jr.!" "(applause)" "(girls scream)" " Wow!" " Big deal." "(Pennington Jr.) Hi, how are you?" "Great to see you." "Thanks for coming." " How are we gonna get inside?" " Oh, I know." "Let's crash into the door in our million-dollar personal helicopter." " Ace." " I'm working on it." "Hey, Laura, glad you could make it." "Hi, how are you?" "Well, I asked my father for the best party ever, and, as you can see, what a Pennington wants, a Pennington gets." " So please do not embarrass yourselves..." " I got it." "Let's go." "...by breaking any of the following rules." "Dad?" "Gifts in the party bags are not tax deductible." "Do not take any photos." "Any one found to be outside of the designated areas will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law." " Have fun, kids!" " (applause)" "We'll cut the cake in 45 minutes." "Until then, happy birthday to me!" " Ace!" " I'm thinking." " Down here." " Yeah." "Ow!" "Watch the hair!" "Will you stop spinning?" "I'm dizzy!" "Let's go." "The tunnel of love." " In your dreams, Ace." " How did you know about that?" "Oxnard." "Big mouth!" "(Ace Jr.) Follow me." "Who's the man?" "They could have seen you!" " Why do you keep doing that?" " That's just how I roll, baby." "(sniffs)" "If Scooby-Doo has taught me any thing, it's that one of these books will activate a secret door." "(continues sniffing)" "Earthy, sweet, a strong bouquet of bamboo with a slight infusion of crocus." "Just a touch of wild grass and... butt!" "I smell panda poop." "Excellent year." " How did you know that?" " I'm a meddling kid." "Dookie marks the spot." "Must be Poo-mas." "Or Jimmy Poo." "The Penningtons think they're smart, but they're poo-pid." "We've caught them brown-footed." "They really stepped in it." "OK, Ace, enough of this crap." "You said "crap. " You did." "OK, fine, fine." "(man) National Bureau of Fish and Wildlife, how can I direct you?" "Yes, I have an anonymous tip for Agent Hollander." "Is he currently on... doodie?" "(beeping)" " Gum!" "I need a piece of gum." " Here." "We received an anonymous tip instructing us to come here." "From whom?" "Anonymous." "The tip said that the case of the missing panda cub has been solved!" "You're the one who called in the tip?" "That's it, short stack." "Now you're in big trouble." "No." "He's in big trouble!" "We found these shoes in his closet!" "It proves that my mom didn't steal the panda." "I think I understand." "This cartoon has taken advantage of my son's hospitality." "He's found some cheap costume store haberdashery, snuck it in as a birthday gift, and planted it in my home." "And now he expects you to believe that I used these ridiculous things in the commission of a crime?" "Yes!" "Can you believe this guy?" "!" "I mean, he's pathetic!" "I'm glad I'm not in his shoes!" "No pun intended." "He's been trying to save his mom with all sorts of crazy theories." "Get rid of these." "He came by the NBFW command center just the other day." " National Bureau of Fish and Wildlife?" " Yeah." "I play golf with your director." "Join us for dinner next time he's in Florida, Agent...?" "Russell Hollander." "That would be great." "How's the panda investigation coming?" "I read..." "Hey, Hometown!" "You're not here to be interviewed!" "Arrest this guy, and let my mom out!" "Would you excuse me for one second, Mr. Pennington?" "Call me Pennington." "Don't worry, Ventura." "I'm gonna make an arrest." "Two of them, in fact." "Because you're out of control!" "You wanna see out of control?" "Let's go, right now!" "Ha!" "Ha!" "I win, bedhead." "Take these two in!" "Ex-squeeze me?" "I'll make sure you're locked up until the panda case is completed." "We don't need more distractions." "(beeping)" "Three o'clock!" " What the hell is that?" " Plan B." " Sorry!" "Sorry!" " (panda noises play on stereo)" " Ah, panda song." " Here we go." "Uh-oh." "Hello!" "The sweet sound of a mother panda calling her young." "Oops!" "We're out of power!" " The house is clean!" " (panda noises continue)" " Check around back!" " OK." "They're small." "Why did you let them go?" "Turn it up!" "Go!" "Ting Tang will hear his mom calling him!" " Let's go!" " Get the guy with the boom box!" "(Ace Jr.) Over there, point it over there!" "Congratulations." "You found my horse stalls." " Sir, I apologize for the misunderstanding." " Get him off my property!" "Silence!" "They're all here." "Come on, half pint, I'm getting tired of this." "Ha!" "Don't go near those doors!" "(Ace Jr.) Princess!" "Tabby!" "Otter!" "Piggy!" "Tortoise!" "Freedom the Hawk!" "Be free!" "Possum!" "Ting Tang, I found you!" "Touchdown!" "Go to the hay stack!" "I'll be right back!" "Oh, no, you don't." "Come to me, my jungle friends!" "(yells)" "Vámonos, amigos." "You had every thing, sir." "Why did you do this?" "I decided to start an animal collection." "I wanted only the Most famous pieces." "Smooth ride for stolen property, Pennington." "And what a Pennington wants, a Pennington gets." "Mr. Pennington, Sr., sir, you're under arrest." "(various animal noises)" "(imitates dice rolling) Whack!" "Yahtzee!" "What's that on your tie?" "I win." " Exit stage left." " Come on." "He's going to jail, he's going to jail!" "Ace, you're a really great pet detective." "What can I say?" "Like father, like son." "I'm good, I'm good." "Let's go." "So when are you gonna find my koi fish?" "I just solved a huge case!" "I'm working on it." "Nothing to see here." "Just one of your fellow classmates taking down a powerful billionaire for stealing celebrity animals." "Hey, I know where you're going, and my future license plate is going to be" ""ACE JR."" "Where's he going?" "Like father, like son." "Like father, like son!" "Come on!" "You guys want your pets or not?" "Come on!" "(girl) Mr. Chompers!" "You stole our pets?" "I'm the pet detective here." "He stole your pets." "He wants to be just like his dad." "He wants to be just like his dad." "Cruel, shallow, and selfish." "You forgot filthy rich and egomaniacal." "We're Penningtons." "We can have whatever we want!" "Oh, you're quite a pair." "But this time an Ace trumps a pair!" "(laughs)" "You did not just make that lame joke." "Oh, I did, sir!" "And you and your dad are going to look great in matching orange jumpsuits." "You think you're a good detective?" " Solve this." " (alligator growls)" "The fish... is about to disappear." " Greeny!" " No!" "Come on, I need help!" "Open his mouth, I'm going in." " (Sickinger) No!" " Five of you are going on a mission." "Couple of you probably aren't coming back." "Ace, be careful!" "What the...?" "Mazel tov." "(girl) Easy, Mr. Chompers." "That's where my hairdryer went." "His mouth is closing!" "People, his mouth is closing!" "I think I got him!" "I got him!" "(Sickinger) Careful!" "Greeny!" "No!" "Way to go, Sparky!" "Grandpa, what are you doing here?" "I'm taking ten minutes off from retirement to help you wrap up your first case." " Thanks, Grandpa." " Hey, Sparky, good going!" "Good Sparky!" "I told you." "I told you he was sleeping." "Who had the hamster?" "And the snake, and the turtle..." " Thanks, Ace." " It's what I do." "Now, Laura, since I solved your case... there was something I kind of wanted to tell you." "What?" "Well, it all kind of started when I met you in third grade..." "Don't be shy, Ace." "You like me." "You have a crush on me." "No." "I have a huge crush on you!" "That's what I just said." "I'm good, I'm good now." "All right, let me just get my sea legs." "This way." "I am Ace Ventura Jr., Pet Detective." "And I declare all of your cases... closed!" "(cheering)" "(crowd chants) Ace!" "Ace!" "Ace!" "Ace Jr... you're the man!" "Actually, you know what, Grandpa?" "You're right!" "I am the man!" "Get over here, Laura." " I am so proud of you, Ace." " Ventura!" " Thank you, honey." " I love you, too, Mom." "All righty, then!" "(# "Ace Is In The House"by Tone Loc)"