"Happy show day." "I'm gonna get you." "Can I help you?" "Yeah." "Come on." "Can you fill this with water, please, for coffee?" "Thank you." " Ay-yi-yi." " Oh, my god." "What happened?" "I think the waffle iron just broke." " What happened?" " Waffle iron." "Oh, my god." "Okay." "Oh, so it's still cooking." "So we're okay." "It's still cooking." "It's still cooking." "Theodore's getting it." "It's fine." " What did you do?" " I don't know." "This is supposed to be the part of the movie where it's like we're really cool gay dads, and we make waffles." "Listen, we are cool gay dads." "Should we turn it off now, papa?" "That would be a good idea." "Did you spray any nonstick stuff?" "No, I'm nervous." "I can't think about this." "All right, we're not gonna use any of this footage, are we?" "I think my brain is on the show." "This is still a waffle." "That's what the cooking spray is for." "I know." "I don't know what you did here." "Wow." "Child protection services." "Child protection services." "They're gonna come after us when they see that" "Hey, look." "Look." "I was able to save it." "That's brilliant." "How did you do that?" "All right, go sit down in there, please." "You have other skills." " Oh, thanks." " Mm." "I'm gonna get you some apple juice, okay?" " They taste really good." " Thank you." "Are you dressed?" "Do you want me to put this in the car?" "Uh, sure." " Are you excited?" " Yeah, I am." "I know I'm excited." "I also have to pee really, really bad." "I know." "Me too." "Should I try some makeup or should I go au natural?" " Airbrush only?" " No." "I want everything done." "I want a peel." " I want lipo." " I got you." "I want you to take care of this Janet Reno wattle and" "I want you to take care of this Janet Reno wattle and" "Stop." "This is how Asian people deteriorate." "You're all pretty and everything, and then right before 50, there's some kind of elastic band in the back of your head that just breaks." "And everything starts to fall apart." "Shut up." "It's true." "♪ ♪" "Should we have a-- Should we mock up" "Hi." "Where are you going?" "And off he goes again." "He's like Ms. pac-man right now eating the entire craft service table like, I'm sure he's like" "I just don't want him to puke on stage." "That would be so embarrassing." " He's not gonna puke on stage." " All right." " Do the reveal." " I'll see you on stage." " All right." " For curtain call." "I love you." "Bye." "Be good." "Thanks, baby." "All right, time for you to leave." "They're really loud." "That's good." "That's good." "Okay, Zion, we're gonna play out here during the show." "I go this way, right?" " No, no, no, no." " No, this way?" "I'm never gonna get there." " There you go." " Okay." "Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage." "America's gaysian sweetheart, Alec mapa!" "Hello, Los Angeles!" "I made it!" "Welcome to the show!" "Oh." "We are filming live tonight in California, the golden state of marriage equality!" "I have no doubt in my mind that gay marriage will be the law of the land." "That gay marriage will be the law of the land." "And you know what that means." "Generations from now, there'll be gay grandpas sitting around the Thanksgiving day table." "Telling their grandkids, "you know what?" ""I met your grandfather on grindr." ""He was 30 feet away," ""and he was so handsome and so charming," ""and then he fucked me" ""in the bathroom of the renberg theatre at the Alec mapa show."" ""Grandpa, that's revolting!" "Don't tell us that story ever again."" "Thank you so much for supporting live theater." "Oh!" "I love--i love, love live theater, or as the filipinos call it, "libe teatur."" "I fell in love with libe teatur while watching television." "I fell in love with libe teatur while watching television." "1977." "San Francisco." "I was watching the Tony awards with my parents, because watching the Tony awards with your parents means never having to say you're gay." "Now, the big show that year was Annie, right?" "But this is back in the Jurassic era, right?" "There's no Internet." "So I don't know shit about musical theater, right?" "I don't know who Andrea mcardle is." "I don't know who Dorothy loudon is." "But all of that changes, right, but all of that changes, right, when the full original cast of Annie comes on and proceeds to do a medley of three musical numbers from the show including tomorrow," "you're never fully dressed without a smile, and easy street." "So Andrea mcardle comes out on stage all, you know, chipmunk-cheeked with her '70s red feathered Bob, and she starts to sing tomorrow, and I am frozen in front of the television, right?" "Like I'm encased in a block of ice." "And then the orphans come out, and then the orphans come out, and they sing you're never fully dressed without a smile." "And I can't move." "I'm like, "must stay strong."" "And then Dorothy loudon, the original miss hannigan, comes out and sings easy street." "Jesus, take the wheel." "Now, if you've never seen this performance before, do yourself a favor." "When you get home, watch it on Youtube." "She pretty much sings, dances, and acts as if her very life depended on it." "It was like right before she went on stage there was somebody standing next to her with a gun saying, there was somebody standing next to her with a gun saying," ""look, loudon, this is your very last chance." ""You go out on that stage," ""bring the house down, and nail this number," ""'cause if you don't, when you come back here," "I'm gonna shoot you in the fucking head."" "So Dorothy loudon goes out on stage, sings easy street, brings the house down, and moments later, she wins a Tony award, and I have a complete nervous breakdown." "I start shaking and crying." "Shaking and crying shaking and crying like I'm Kate winslet, and I've just been fished out of the icy waters of Nova Scotia." "And my parents are like, "what the fuck is your problem?" ""Why you crying?" ""Who's the crazy old white lady?" ""Do we know her?" "Is she a teacher from school?"" "And looking back," "I knew why I was having an emotional reaction." "I had just witnessed a resurrection." "I had just witnessed a resurrection." "Even back then, I knew that Dorothy loudon was somebody who had faced oblivion." "I knew she was someone who had stared death in the face and thought, "my career is over." ""It's too late." ""I'm too old." ""There isn't enough magic in the world to sustain my dreams." ""I don't have a single chance left." ""No chance left..." "But this one."" "And that's why I love libe teatur." "Because there's always that possibility of redemption, right?" "That you're gonna see some performer give a performance like they don't have a single chance left, no chance left but this one." "Tonight's not gonna be one of those performances, just to..." "Lower your expectations right now." "No, I've been too busy folding laundry." "No, I've been too busy folding laundry." "I have no act." "I called the show baby daddy because I'm fucking exhausted was too much of a buzzkill." "So I'm a new father." "Our--my husband and I adopted a kid." "Thank you." "Listen." "I'm not gonna sugarcoat it for you, okay?" "Having children is not for everyone, all right?" "Um, it's really easy to get ooey gooey um, it's really easy to get ooey gooey and romantic about the idea of children, especially when they're not yours, right?" "And that's where people get into trouble, right?" "Do you know what being a parent does to you?" "It turns you into that tree in that children's book." "Do you know which book I'm talking about?" "Shout it out." "The giving tree." "By shel silverstein." "Everybody has a real boner for that book, but it's a real fucked up story when you think about it." "Once upon a time, there was this tree and a little boy, and they loved, loved, loved each other very much." "And every day, they would play together in the woods, and he would carve his initials into her trunk and climb her and eat her fruit." "Yeah, it's a real fucked up story." "And one day, the little boy runs up to the tree and says, "I need a place to live and things to sell."" "So what does he do?" "He chops off all her branches, takes all her fruit, and leaves." "Comes back years later and goes, "I want to see the world."" "Comes back years later and goes, "I want to see the world."" "So what does he do?" "He chops down her trunk, runs away, and leaves." "So now she's nothing but a stump." "The little boy comes back years later, only he's not a little boy anymore." "No." "He's a tired, broken-down old man." "And what does he say?" "Does he say sorry for the vandalism?" "Does he say thank you?" "No, what does he do?" "No, what does he do?" "He sits down." "He sits on her!" "Being a parent is like living through that book every single day." "Children take and take and take and exhaust and deplete you of every single resource, and just when you have nothing left to give, they fucking sit on you!" "I'm so lucky." "I'm so lucky." "This is terrific." "I feel as if we've established a connection of some kind." "I feel connected to each and every one of you." "I really do." "Hey!" "Just for fun, let's each and every one of us share our most painful childhood memory." "No?" "Let's talk about my sex life." "All right, my husband and I have been together for 12 years, right?" "Have been together for 12 years, right?" "But we're at the point in our relationship where we have to switch things up in order to keep things interesting." "And lately, that's meant a whole lot of blowjobs in cars." "All right, let me explain." "My husband was raised church of Christ." "Very fundamentalist Christian." "So he gets off on any kind of scenario where he can get caught and feel ashamed." "I was raised catholic." "I don't really need any help in the shame department." "I don't really need any help in the shame department." "I'm ashamed when I get up in the morning." "I'm ashamed right now." "I'm ashamed to be telling this story, but I'm going to anyway." "So it's date night." "We're out driving around silver lake, and all of the sudden, my husband goes," ""let's fuck in the car."" "And I'm like, "I don't want to fuck in the car."" "Getting fucked is complicated enough, okay?" "When you add a steering column and a cup holder to it, it's like trying to eat a baguette on a tilt-a-whirl, okay?" "There's too much going on." "There's too much going on." "But marriage is about compromise, right?" "So I was like, "okay, I'll blow you."" "So I'm not a prude." "I'm not afraid of getting caught, as long as I don't look fat." "Like, if you told me that tmz had a picture of me blowing somebody in a car, my first question would be is, "do I look fat?"" "Because, you know, the camera already adds ten pounds." "This doesn't help." "So I'm blowing my husband in the parking lot of the bank of America in silver lake, but I'm really paranoid, so I'm looking around, right?" "But I'm really paranoid, so I'm looking around, right?" "So I'm like-- "whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo!"" "I look like a barn owl choking on a titmouse." "I go-- "whoo, whoo, whoo!"" "All of a sudden, the phone starts ringing, right?" "And he's like, "don't answer." "I'm really close."" "And I'm like, "I have to." "It's the babysitter."" "So I'm like, "hello?" ""Yeah, no, Zion is not allowed" ""to have cake and ice cream right before bed." ""He said that?" ""Put him on the phone." ""Zion, it's daddy." ""You are not allowed to have cake and ice cream" ""right before bed." ""We discussed this." ""We discussed this." ""You go to bed right now," ""or you're gonna be in big, big trouble." ""Do you understand me?" ""No, I don't want to talk to the dog." ""I love you too." "Good night."" "Let's just say you won't be seeing that on an episode of modern family any time soon." "My husband and I always wanted children, always." "But it was something we thought we would get around to eventually, right?" "We would get around to eventually, right?" "Like going to Tibet or machu picchu or colonial williamsburg, you know, eventually." "And then I turned 43, and a bell went off." "Bing!" "I had a complete classic mid-life crisis." "I stopped eating, hired a trainer, and I lost 30 pounds." "Oh, don't applaud." "It was horrible." "I was like a couple of pounds above organ failure." "I looked fabulous!" "I looked fabulous!" "Every morning, it was a struggle to lift my head up off the pillow." "But I looked ten years younger, and that's all that mattered." "And then I had to go nightclubbing every single night with boys in their 20s, 'cause I couldn't afford a sports car." "And here's the thing about gay boys in their 20s, god love 'em." "They're cute and adorable and fun, but most of them are really, really dumb." "Like, they're even dumber than I was." "Like, they're even dumber than I was." "I had a gay boy in his 20s in my audience say," ""who's Bette Davis?"" "And I was like, "you know what?" "Google it." ""Press a button." "Make a fucking effort." "I'm not here to put you through gay school, all right?"" "All right, here's the thing." "I love my friends in their 20s, and I'm not here to put anybody down." "So in order to bridge the gap between our two generations," "I'd now like to do my impression of Bette Davis" "I'd now like to do my impression of Bette Davis singing a Miley Cyrus song at karaoke." "Ready?" "Hit it." "♪ ♪" "♪ Hopped off the plane at l.A.X. ♪" "♪ With a dream and a cardigan ♪" "♪ Welcome to the land of fame, excess ♪" " ♪ Whoa!" "♪ - ♪ am I going to fit in?" "♪" "♪ Jumped in a cab, here I am for the first time ♪" "♪ Jumped in a cab, here I am for the first time ♪" "♪ Look to my left, and I see the Hollywood sign ♪" "♪ This is all so crazy ♪" "♪ Everybody seems so famous ♪" "♪ My tummy's turnin', and I'm feelin' kind of homesick ♪" "♪ Too much pressure, and I'm nervous ♪" "♪ That's when the taxi man turned on the radio ♪" "♪ And a Jay-Z song was on ♪" "♪ And a Jay-Z song was on ♪" "♪ And a Jay-Z song was on ♪" "Should I continue?" "All right." "All right." "♪ They're playing my song as the butterflies fly away ♪" "♪ Nodding my head like yeah ♪" "♪ Moving my hips like yeah ♪" "♪ I put my hands up ♪" "♪ They're playing my song ♪" "♪ I know I'm going to be okay ♪" "♪ Yes ♪" "♪ There's a party in the usa ♪" "♪ Yes ♪" "♪ There's a party in the usa ♪" "So I partied really hard with boys half my age for a year, and my husband was like, "what's wrong with you?" "Do you want to leave me?"" "And I was like, "I don't want to leave anybody." ""I'm just scared." "I'm in the middle." ""I'm too young to be old;" "I'm too old to be young." ""I'm too young to be old;" "I'm too old to be young." ""And I just thought if I hung out" ""with a bunch of young, pretty boys" ""who were young and fuckable, that would make me feel young and fuckable too."" "And my husband said, "I still think you're fuckable." ""I'll fuck you." "Get in the car."" "So we did it!" "We adopted a five-year-old African-American boy we adopted a five-year-old African-American boy from Compton." "His name is Zion." "I'm Asian." "My husband's white." "Our son is black." "We look like the last two minutes from it's a small world." "And people are always asking, "where's he from?" ""Is he from Botswana?" ""Is he from Rwanda?" "Is he from Malawi?"" "And I'm like, "no, he's from Compton."" "That's" "That's" "As a celebrity," "I feel it's my duty to inform people that you don't have to go all the way to Africa to adopt a black child." "You can get one right here in the United States." "So one time Zion had a meltdown at a Barnes and noble bookstore, right?" "And I was surrounded by people who did not have children, and they all gave me that stink eye, you know, like," ""will you please keep your adopted" "African-American child quiet," you know?" "African-American child quiet," you know?" "And I was so angry, I stared them all back, and I went, "he's from Haiti." ""Shame on you." "Shame on all of you."" "Now, to be honest," "I had no business taking a five-year-old I had just adopted to the Barnes and noble." "But the Patti lupone memoir had just come out." "It was an emergency." "It was an emergency." "The first month was hell." "He would have one huge meltdown after another." "And by meltdown, I mean he would fall to the ground kicking and screaming at the top of his lungs." "And it was always in a public place." "So my husband and I had to physically restrain him and carry him back to the car." "So we basically looked like two gay guys who were kidnapping Arnold on a very special episode of diff'rent strokes." "On a very special episode of diff'rent strokes." "And I was like, "thank god we drive a Volvo station wagon." ""'Cause if we drove a white Van, we'd be in jail."" "Now, looking back, maybe we shouldn't have been dragging him all over town the first month he came to live with us." "But the way I looked at it, he'd been in one shitty foster home after another since he was three, right?" "So it was time for him to see the world." "So I took him to the planetarium, the museum of natural history, bloomingdale's, you know, places a kid should know about." "Places a kid should know about." "And--and the meltdowns were understandable, right?" "One minute, he was living in the hood." "The next minute, he was living with us." "So it was like, "who are you?" "Where am I?" "What's gazpacho?"" "Now, I have a high tolerance for crazy, okay?" "But that meltdown in the bookstore was the last straw." "Driving him home that night," "I was screaming at him in the rearview mirror." "I was screaming at him in the rearview mirror." "I was like, "you know what?" ""Babies kick and scream because they can't talk." ""You can talk." ""If you're angry or sad, you can tell me." ""If you're frustrated or frightened, you can tell me." ""But kicking and screaming" ""while daddy is trying to buy a book by Patti lupone is completely unacceptable."" "And he was like, "okay."" "And the meltdowns stopped." "And then he started preschool, and the meltdowns started again." "Whenever I dropped him off, he'd say, "you're not coming back,"" "he'd say, "you're not coming back,"" "because that had been his experience." "You know, people would just drop him off and never come back again." "So I was like, "what are you talking about?" ""I love you." ""I'm crazy about you." ""I will always come back." ""You know what?" ""When school lets out," "I'm gonna be standing right here." ""I won't even move." "I will always come back."" "I said that every single day." "So by the end of the school year, he was like," ""I know." "You're coming back." "I get it."" "The other thing he used to say when he first came to live with us is, when he first came to live with us is," ""where am I gonna go next?"" "And I was like, "well, where do you want to go next?"" "And he goes, "with you guys."" "And we're like, "well, then you're not going anywhere." ""You're going--you live here." ""You're home now." ""You live here." "Now eat your quinoa."" "So my husband wanted a five-year-old, and this is how he sold me on it." "Okay, this was-- This was his pitch." ""He comes to live with us." ""He walks." "He talks." ""He goes to school;" "No diapers." "How hard can it be?"" "My husband and I are a couple of dummies, okay?" "'Cause what we failed to realize is that shitting their pants is what five-year-old boys do best." "It is their area of expertise." "It's their spécialité de la Maison, which is French for "hey, I just shit my pants."" "Five-year-old boys notoriously ignore the impulse to go potty until it's too late." "I was always like, "baby," "I was always like, "baby," ""this isn't like Christmas shopping" ""or doing your taxes." ""You can't wait until the last minute." "You have to go when you feel like going."" "Now, we adopted our son out of foster care, and apparently in all of his placements, nobody had ever taught him how to pee in the potty, wipe his Booty, flush the toilet, or wash his hands." "I had to teach him those things by saying it over and over and over again." "I was like a scatological parrot." ""Pee in the potty!" "Wipe your Booty!" ""Pee in the potty!" "Wipe your Booty!" "Flush the toilet!" "Wash his hands!"" "The very first time I changed my son's underwear, it looked like a crime scene." "All that was missing was that police tape and that law  order segue music." "You know." "He would pee like he was putting out a forest fire, right?" "Just a slow and steady stream right at the base." ""The base" meaning the wall," ""the base" meaning the wall, the magazines, the really expensive bubble bath that gay men have right before they have children, right?" "We used to have a really nice bathroom." "It was a gay guy's bathroom." "It was like a spa at the four seasons." "Now it's like a porta-potty at mardi gras." "Not flushing the toilet was the absolute worst." "Every morning, walking into that bathroom was like taking a rorschach test." "It was like, "oh, that one looks like a snake." "It was like, "oh, that one looks like a snake." ""Oh, well, that one looks like a snake" ""buying a bottle of wine at trader Joe's." ""Oh, that one looks like a snake eating another snake." "Flush the fucking toilet!"" "And he was the worst liar." "He came back to the dinner table one time." "I was like, "did you flush the potty?"" "He said yes." "I said, "can I check?"" "He said, "don't."" "All right, here's the thing." "Zion eats really healthy food." "Because when he came to live with us out of foster care, because when he came to live with us out of foster care, his health was garbage, right?" "He had this cough that we thought was a cold or allergies." "Turns out, he had viral pneumonia." "So we put him on all this organic food." "Really expensive, but he rallied." "My husband's parents are small-town folk." "They're not really into health food, and we were spending Thanksgiving with them." "And right before Thanksgiving, my husband and I got into this huge fight, because he was like, "mm," "I just don't want them to give him too many treats."" "I just don't want them to give him too many treats."" "And I was like, "you know what?" ""I don't want to be that gay hippie crunchy couple" ""that ruins every single holiday with all of their food restrictions."" "Do you know who I'm talking about?" ""Oh, we only feed our kid vegan treats made out of spelt and hemp milk."" "I don't want to be that couple." "It's Thanksgiving." "Let him have whatever he wants." "So we show up at Thanksgiving." "My son starts eating like he's going to the electric chair, right?" "He's going to the electric chair, right?" "He eats an entire gingerbread house, a pumpkin pie, a gallon of ambrosia, a green bean casserole, an entire non-vegan ham, right?" "And after dinner, he goes to the fireplace with grandma and grandpa to make s'mores, 'cause I think he still had room in his esophagus." "And that's when he turns to my husband and he goes, "papa, I don't feel so good." "And he goes, "papa, I don't feel so good." "I'm gonna be sick."" "So my husband scoops him up." "They run to the bathroom." "They don't make it." "My son barfs all over the kitchen floor." "So, like, "I got this-- I got this." ""I'm in the zone." "Go take care of this."" "So I'm on all fours cleaning up the mess..." "In dior." "And I can see my husband in the open doorway of the bathroom, and my son is barfing into the toilet." "And my son is barfing into the toilet." "And just when it couldn't get any worse, he starts having explosive diarrhea at the same time." "Double dragon." "I'd heard of the phenomenon, but I'd never actually seen it in person." "And I looked at my husband, and he's covered in barf and shit, and he's looking at me with just murder in his eyes, right?" "Like" "And I was like, "aren't you glad we didn't adopt a baby?"" "And I was like, "aren't you glad we didn't adopt a baby?"" "Oh, my god." "That was three years ago." "My son is perfectly fine now." "And after three years of living with two gay guys, he sounds like he's been living with two gay guys." "We were flying back from New York recently, and he asked the flight attendant for a Pellegrino..." "With lime." "With lime." "He was on a playdate at a friend's house, and the mom said, "baby, do you want something to eat?"" "He said, "yes."" "She said, "what would you like?"" "He said, "I would like an assortment of breads with balsamic vinegar and olive oil, please."" "This is the absolute worst." "So we're at the supermarket, and he's running up and down the aisle misbehaving, and I hate kids who misbehave in the supermarket, right?" "There's nothing worse." "So he's like, bumping into people and knocking shit over, and I grab him, and I said, "listen to me." ""This is not a playground." ""This is whole foods." ""This is whole foods." ""You nearly knocked down that tower of kombucha." ""Settle down." "Be considerate." "You are not the only person here."" "And do you know what he said to me?" ""And the Oscar goes to..."" "I didn't know whether to slap him or hug him." "I didn't know whether to slap him or hug him." "I was so proud and so angry at the same time." "I've become faye dunaway in mommie dearest." "I have." "I'm shouting all the time." "One time, he was, like, shouting at me." "He was like--i was on the phone with my agent" "One of the few times my agent actually called me." "And he was like, "daddy!"" "My son's the only person in Los Angeles who can call me daddy without giggling." ""Daddy!" "I'm on the phone." "I will be right with you as soon as I hang up."" "I will be right with you as soon as I hang up."" ""But daddy"-- "I am on the phone."" "And then he shouts at me, "stop talking, you great big fat woman!"" ""Did you just call me fat?" "Go to your room!"" ""Why can't you give me the respect that I'm entitled to?"" "The respect that I'm entitled to?"" "He's done everything but say," ""because I am not one of your fans!"" "But he's going to." "I'm waiting for it." "I've reread mommie dearest recently with completely different eyes." "Christina Crawford is an ungrateful, disloyal, spoiled little twat!" "She has 50 pages in that book devoted to how pissed off she was devoted to how pissed off she was because she had to write thank you notes." "What's wrong with writing thank you notes?" "My son writes a thank you note for every single gift he receives;" "Not an email or an e-greeting, but an actual thank you note on a thank you note card." "Why?" "Because it's the right thing to do." "Knock down that bitch of an e-greeting and put a thank you note where a thank you note ought to be!" "My parenting style at any one given moment can be described my parenting style at any one given moment can be described by four characters from the American musical comedy:" "Fraulein Maria, auntie mame, miss hannigan, or mama rose." "Now, when I get up in the morning," "I'm totally fraulein Maria, right?" "I'm peppy." "I'm optimistic." "I want to make play clothes out of the curtains." "I want to have sex with Christopher plummer, right?" "But by 10:00 A.M., after he's been up since 6:00 A.M." "And he's poured maple syrup on the dog and we're out of coffee, and we're out of coffee," "I turn into miss hannigan." "And sometimes you get miss hannigan all day long." "Look, I love Julie Andrews, but she set the bar too fucking high." "Nobody can be fraulein Maria 24-7." "Okay?" "Have you ever seen pictures of the real Maria Von trapp?" "She didn't look like Julie Andrews." "She was a battle-ax." "She didn't even have a neck." "She looked like Brian dennehy in a dirndl." "And you know she beat those kids." "And you know she beat those kids." "How else are you gonna make them sing?" "I bet she was more Joe Jackson than Julie Andrews, right?" "I bet she sounded just like Laurence Fishburne in what's love got to do with it." ""You trying to help ike?" "You trying to help fraulein Maria?"" "Now, when we entertain at the house," "I'm totally auntie mame, right?" "Because all of our friends are circus people, right?" "It's all burlesque performers and drag queens and" "It's circus people." "My son's favorite babysitter?" "My son's favorite babysitter?" "Shangela from rupaul's drag race." "Now, at baseball games, I'm totally mama rose, right?" "I'm like, "I want to know why that no-talent klutz" ""gets to play first base every single game" ""while my son, who has more talent" ""than all of you put together, is playing short stop."" "Okay, here's the thing." "I don't give a shit about baseball, okay?" "But I-- My son really wanted to play." "And I didn't want him to miss out just 'cause I'm a big sissy." "So I took him to try-outs." "Oh, I'm learning so much." "Oh, I'm learning so much." "They're not auditions." "They're try-outs." "They're not costumes." "They're..." "Uniforms." "And it's not rehearsal, it's..." "Practice." "Whatever." "So we show up for try-outs, and all of the kids are in full baseball drag already, right?" "They've got the cleats." "They've got the helmet." "They got a mitt." "They got a mitt." "And my son's, like, in a hello kitty tank top, shorts, and flip-flops, right?" "And all of kids are playing catch with their dad like they've been doing this since their kid could walk, right?" "And I'm like, "I don't know how to do this." "I'm not a lesbian, right?"" "So the coach comes up to me." "He goes, "does he have a glove?"" "And I'm like, "what length?" "What are you talking about?"" "So my son sees a friend of his from school playing with his dad, and they wave him over, playing with his dad, and they wave him over, and he starts playing catch with them, right?" "So already I'm on this huge gay shame spiral, right?" "Like, "bad gay dad." "Bad gay dad." ""I haven't been doing any of these things with him," ""and now because of me," ""my son's gonna totally fuck up this audition and not get a callback, right?"" "So this is what they had to do for the try-out." "They had to catch the ball, throw it to first base, and hit the ball off a tee, right?" "And by the way, most of the dads at the try-outs are total douche bags, right?" "Are total douche bags, right?" "Like, they're yelling at their kids, "concentrate!" "Eyes front!" "What are you doing?"" "Now, I could understand if this were a ballet class." "It's baseball." "So it's my son's turn to try-out, and by this time, everybody knows that he's with me, right?" "So they're not expecting much." "So I pull him aside." "I said, "listen to me." ""I don't care if you hit the ball." ""I don't care if you throw the ball." ""I don't care if you can catch the ball." ""All that matters to papa and daddy" ""all that matters to papa and daddy" ""is that you're a good sport and you have fun." ""We will love you no matter what." "Now, go."" "So what does he do?" "He catches the grounder immediately, he throws the ball so far past first base that it hits the back fence, and he hits the ball so far into the outfield that nobody can catch it!" "And all the other dads are looking at me like," ""what?" "What the fuck?" "What?" "What?"" "And I'm like, "I don't know."" "But inside, I was like" "We had--we wanted to adopt out of foster care." "I found out about the foster care adoption system after working on a Rosie O'Donnell cruise." "'Cause that's how they get you." "Right?" "All my friends were--before going on that r family cruise were like, "ooh, girl, don't go on that cruise." ""You go on that cruise with the lesbians and their kids," ""they're gonna brainwash you, girl." "You're gonna come back with a baby."" "And I'm like, "what, and I'm like, "what," ""are they gonna give them out at the gift shop?" "What?" "That's so stupid."" "But that's exactly what happened." "My husband and I got off that ship, and we could not stop thinking about having a baby." "We attended every single foster adopt seminar on that ship." "We attended "hair care for your African-American child."" "That was the day when all the lesbians on the ship had cornrows." "It looked like Stevie wonder had fucked Melissa Etheridge." "It looked like Stevie wonder had fucked Melissa Etheridge." "You know, it was like" "We attended "how to adopt through the foster care system."" "Now, here's some interesting statistics." "At any one given time, there are 500,000 kids in the foster care system." "100,000 of those kids are not gonna be reunited with their parents, so those kids are up for adoption." "The most desirable placement is a Caucasian baby girl." "Now, look." "Now, look." "I got nothing against little white girls." "I've been one my whole life." "But if my husband and I are gonna start a family, there can only be one lady of the house, and you're looking at her." "There's only one lady that comes out of an Alec mapa house, and that's Alec mapa." "And that's me, baby." "Remember?" "Nobody wants a boy." "Nobody wants a boy." "Nobody wants them over the age of three." "And if they're African-American, yikes." "A Caucasian baby girl is seven times more likely to be adopted than an African-American boy over the age of three." "When my husband and I heard that, we were like, "oh, my god." "Our son is black."" "Not "our son should be black"" "or "our son is going to be black,"" "but "our son is black." "But "our son is black." ""He's already out there." "He exists."" "We knew it in our bones, and we knew that if we didn't do everything in our power to go out, find him, and start our lives together, it would be the biggest regret of our lives." "Lesbian brainwash." "We met--we went immediately to the Southern California foster family adoption agency, scffaa." "To become a foster adopt parent in California, you have to pass a six-week parenting course, you have to pass a six-week parenting course, your home has to pass a safety inspection, you have to be certified in cpr and first aid," "and you have to pass a background check with the FBI." "If you're a teenage girl in California and you want a baby, all you need is sperm." "And not only can you have a baby, you can get your own reality show." "If your a couple of gay guys, they go through drawers." "They want tax forms for the past five years." "The FBI background check, that's what freaked me out the most, right?" "That's what freaked me out the most, right?" "'Cause they fingerprint you, like, five different times." "And they cross-reference that info with their database, and that's where they could really dig up the dirt on you, right?" "I was up all night thinking, "was I arrested?" ""Was I in jail?" "I knew I deserved to be at one point."" "We showed up for classes." "Half the class was gay and lesbian." "Right?" "All the gay guys took up the entire front row, notebooks open, pencils at the ready." "Notebooks open, pencils at the ready." "They were like Hermione Granger at Hogwarts, right?" "It was like, "I know the answer, professor Dumbledore!" ""Wingardium leviosa!" "Wingardium leviosa!"" "All the lesbians sat in the back row, right?" "They were like the badasses of the class, right?" "'Cause a lot of them had had their own biological children, and they were there to find out how to adopt siblings for their own kids." "So they were like, "parenting class?" ""I don't need to listen to this shit." "I got a vagina."" "And all the gay guys were like, "um, girls, and all the gay guys were like, "um, girls," ""if you didn't want to learn about magic, maybe you shouldn't have enrolled in Hogwarts."" "So we had a whole class on the safety inspection, and we were told that if we were bringing a baby home, there couldn't be any fountains on the property." "And all the gay guys were like" "So we passed the course." "We were certified to become foster adopt parents, and nine months after we started the whole process, and nine months after we started the whole process, our social worker told us about a little boy named Zion." "He was four and a half years old, and he'd been in foster care since he was three because of neglect." "Neglect." "See, neglect is one of the worst things you could subject a child to." "Because they can become catatonic." "You know, it's like, if you cry and cry and nobody comes to take care of you, you just stop crying." "And sometimes if they're moved from place to place, and they suffer one loss after another, you can lose the ability to attach." "You can lose the ability to attach." "It's like you can adopt them, but they can't adopt you." "It's like, "why should I get close to you?" "You're just gonna break up with me anyway, right?"" "So we were like, "neglect?" "Uh, I don't know."" "And our social worker was like, "nope, no, no, no, no, no." ""This child is different." ""He is affectionate and creative." ""And as far as expressing himself," ""he has no problem whatsoever." ""We always know when he's in the office." ""He has a very distinctive voice," ""he has a very distinctive voice, and it carries."" "So we were like, "when can we see a picture?"" "And the social worker was like," ""when you stop asking questions."" "So we stopped asking questions, and she showed us a picture, and we were like" ""That's our baby." "That's our kid." "When can we meet him?"" "And she said, "this week."" "And I was like, "oh, my god." "It's Thanksgiving." ""Okay, we have to go home, we have to get him a bed," ""and we have to tell your parents" ""that we're taking their black grandson" ""that we're taking their black grandson home for Thanksgiving."" "We got a call the very next day from the social worker telling us that we were out of the picture." "Another family member had come forward and said they would be Zion's legal guardian." "Now, this is somebody who had never expressed any interest before and had a significant criminal record, but it's what the court ordered, so we had absolutely no say." "We were crushed." "Right?" "Um..." "Um..." "So Christmas and Thanksgiving sucked, because we felt we had missed out on somebody really special." "We don't know how, but we just felt in our bones that we missed out on somebody amazing, so much that when we were offered another case in January, we told our social worker, "you know what?" ""We don't want to go further with that case, because we don't feel in our bones what we felt about Zion."" "And the social worker said, "you know what?" ""Let me find out what Zion's situation is, and I'll call you back in ten minutes."" "She called us back in ten minutes and said, she called us back in ten minutes and said," ""the placement with Zion's relative" ""has been a complete disaster." "You have to pick him up tonight at 6:00."" "So we were like, "oh, my god." "Did we really mean all those things that we said?"" "So we white-knuckled it all the way down to the offices in long beach like" "And we showed up at the offices for child protection services, and Zion was already waiting for us in the waiting room, this tiny little boy." "This tiny little boy." "And we was sitting between two garbage bags." "One had all of his clothes, and one had all of his toys." "And he was just sitting in the middle of them like he was just another bag of stuff that somebody had forgotten and didn't want." "And I thought, "this isn't fair." "Right?"" "Like, no kid should ever be made to feel this way." "And this wasn't a five-year-old." "This was a baby, right?" "Because when you're five years old, you still need your mommy, right?" "You still need your daddy or mommies you still need your daddy or mommies or two gay guys with a really cute house, right?" "So I was like, "hi." ""I'm Alec." "This is Jamie."" "And he said, "do you want to play don't break the ice?"" "Do you remember don't break the ice, that game where you tapped on the little plastic ice cubes and sent the ice-skating polar bear plunging to his death, right?" "Well, that's what we did." "We broke the ice by playing don't break the ice." "And every time that polar bear plunged to its death, and every time that polar bear plunged to its death, my husband and I felt exactly the same way." "Like, "oh, my god!" ""This is really happening!" "Are they really gonna give us this kid?"" "And after about an hour of playing don't break the ice," "I said, "are you hungry?"" "And he said, "yes."" "I said, "well, let's go."" "So we all piled into the car, and I asked him, "where do you want to eat?"" "And he said, "Chuck E. Cheese."" "And in that moment, I became a parent." "We are not spending our first night together as a family at Chuck E. Cheese!" "So we brought him home." "Nine months later, we legally adopted him, and he became Zion Joseph hebert-mapa." "Now, that was three years ago." "My husband makes documentaries, and I'm in vaudeville." "So we've taken Zion with us everywhere." "He's gone to London, Paris, Barcelona, ixtapa, San Diego." "And everybody always says, "he's so lucky."" "And I know they mean well, but I always feel like it's kind of insulting to him." "But I always feel like it's kind of insulting to him." "Because the truth is, we're lucky." "There's nothing I can give my son or any place I can take him that can compare to all the things that he's given me." "Right?" "Being a parent requires so much Patience, compassion, and understanding, and I don't possess any of those qualities." "So being a parent is literally my last chance to become a good person, right?" "I don't have a single chance left." "I don't have a single chance left." "No chance left..." "But this one." "So a couple years ago, we got to go on another r family vacation." "And, uh, instead of a cruise, they rented out an entire club med, right?" "So it was a great opportunity for my husband and I to reconnect with the other gay and lesbian parents and say, "thank you." "And say, "thank you." "You did this to us."" "So club med's great, 'cause the kids have camp all day long, so all the parents would just hang out by the pool and get completely wasted, right?" "Just drink bloody Marys all day, and then we'd pick up our kids like, "ahh!"" "So my husband and I are having dinner with this family from New Jersey in the dining room." "And you know how a dining room is, it's noisy, noisy, noisy, and all of a sudden, there's that window of silence?" "Well, my son uses that window of silence to yell at me from across the dinner table, to yell at me from across the dinner table," ""are you drunk?"" "And I was like, "you know what?" ""It's not nice to yell at daddy" ""at the dinner table like that." ""I'm very drunk." "Still not nice."" "So he goes, "can I go look at the desserts?"" "And I'm like, "sure."" "You know, by this point during the week, he has, like, 500 lesbian moms at this point." "All eyes are on him." "I'm like, "go ahead." "But be back here in 15 minutes."" "So he goes to the dessert table." "So he goes to the dessert table." "15 minutes pass by." "20 minutes pass by." "25 minutes pass by." "So I'm like, "oh, great."" "So I go to look for him at the dessert buffet, and he's not there." "And I'm looking around the dining room;" "I can't find him anywhere." "And there's too many black kids at this resort, right?" "All week long, I've been yelling at the wrong kids, like," ""get down from there this-- Oh, sorry." ""Get down from there this-- Oh, sorry." "No running." "As you were." "Sorry."" "And then I remember he was going to look at the desserts, and then I remembered Thanksgiving." "And I was like, "oh, my god."" "So I'm running to the bathroom 'cause I'm pretty sure he's in there double dragoning even as we speak, right?" "So I swing open the bathroom door, and my son is standing there washing his hands." "And I could hear a toilet has just flushed." "And I could hear a toilet has just flushed." "And I'm like, "did you wipe your Booty?"" "He said, "yes." "Daddy, guess what."" "I'm like, "what?"" ""I love you."" "Aww." "See, that's how they get you." "Children drive you absolutely crazy one minute, and the next minute, they do something or say something so magical that you want to give them everything." "In that moment, I was like, "you know what, baby?" ""You can poo or pee wherever you want." ""You can poo in my hand." ""You can poo in my hand." ""You can poo on my head." "You can poo in my mouth."" "The three of us were walking home that night from the dining room;" "We were looking up at the sky, and my son says, "papa, daddy, look!" "It's the big Dipper."" "And I was like, "really?" "Where?"" "And he goes, "right there." ""You can see the handle and the ladle." ""And if you draw a straight line from that star to that star," ""you can find polaris." ""It's the north star." ""It's the north star." "It never moves, so you can never get lost."" "And I was like, "where'd you learn that?"" "And he said, "the planetarium." "Duh."" "And I was like, "you know what?" ""Your father and I are glad that you're a genius, but we could do without the tone."" "And then he said, "where am I gonna go next?"" "And then he said, "where am I gonna go next?"" "And I was like, "well, where do you want to go next?"" "He said, "with you guys."" "I'm like, "well, the answer to that is easy." "We're going home."" "Now right about now is when I would be telling my son a bedtime story, so I'm gonna do the same for you, okay?" "Um, on the day we adopted our son, we took a whole bunch of pictures in the courtroom, and we later found out that that was totally illegal." "So not only did we take a whole bunch of pictures, so not only did we take a whole bunch of pictures, but we hired a professional editor to make a slideshow." "Do you want to see it?" "Okay." "Here's your bedtime story." "Once upon a time, there was a little boy named Zion and a papa named Jamie and a daddy named Alec." "And they wanted more than anything to become a family." "And their wish came true." "And their wish came true." "Good night." "♪ ♪" "♪ If you could see yourself like I do ♪" "♪ When I'm looking down at you ♪" "♪ You would see how every star ♪" "♪ Inside of you is shining through ♪" "♪ So don't believe it if they tell you ♪" "♪ That a cow can jump the moon ♪" "♪ 'Cause there just might be a Santa claus ♪" "♪ 'Cause there just might be a Santa claus ♪" "♪ And wishes can come true ♪" "♪ It's all right ♪" "♪ It's okay ♪" "♪ I love you anyway ♪" "♪ That you are ♪" "♪ That you are ♪" "♪ 'Cause to me ♪" "♪ You're the star ♪" "♪ And you shine ♪" "♪ Like the diamond tears in your eyes ♪" "♪ And I would kiss them away ♪" "♪ If I could, I would ♪" "♪ If I could, I would ♪" "♪ If I could kiss them away ♪" "♪ I would ♪" "♪ 'Cause you're the star ♪" "♪ Baby, baby, baby ♪" "♪ You're the star ♪" "♪ Ah-ah ♪" "♪ Ah-ah ♪" "♪ Baby, baby, baby ♪" "♪ Baby, baby, baby ♪" "♪ You're the star ♪" "♪ Ah-ah ♪" "♪ Ah-ah ♪" "♪ Baby, baby, baby ♪" "♪ You're the star ♪" "♪ You're my star ♪" " What?" " Cheers to a great show." " Cheers to a great show." " Thanks, babe." " A triple cheers." " No." "No." "I don't clink, though, just raise 'em." "Oh, we're just raising, okay." "That's the way kings do it." "Cheers." "Cheers." "Oh, kings don't clink?" "Good night, you guys." "Thank you." "Good night." "Let's go home." "Okay, let's go home." "Yes, please." "I'm gonna fall asleep." "Zion, we're very lucky to have you." "You know that, right?" "Mm, yeah." "Mm!" "You're very special to us." "I need both of your hands." "I'm hungry." "Really?" "Yes." "Okay, we'll figure something out." "Okay, we'll figure something out." "♪ I want to eat some toilet paper ♪" "♪ I want to eat ♪" " And there we go." " ♪ some toilet paper ♪" "♪ With Theodore ♪" "♪ Because he likes it ♪" "♪ So I'm gonna try a little bite ♪" "♪ And see if I like it ♪" "You're kind of-- That's very good." "Nom nom." "Oh, please." "I think we can have one..." " One story." " Story." "Great story." "Great story." "What do you mean?" "One story." "'Cause it's late." ""Aren't you the burglar?" ""And isn't sitting on the doorstep your job?" ""And not to speak of getting inside the door?" "But I"" "♪ Baby, baby, baby ♪" "♪ You're the star ♪"