"(SINGING ALONG WITH RADIO)" "Take out the papers and the trash" "Or you don't get no spending' cash" "If you don't scrub that kitchen floor" "You ain't gonna rock and roll no more" "Yakety yak Don't talk back" "Just finish cleaning' up your room" "Let's see that dust fly with that broom" "Get all that garbage out of sight" "Or you don't go out Friday night" "Yakety yak Don't talk back" "You just put on your coat and hat" "And walk yourself to the Laundromat" "And when you've finished doing that" "Bring in the dog and put out the cat" "Yakety yak Don't talk back" "You just put on your coat and hat" "And walk yourself to the Laundromat" "And when you've finished doing that" "Bring in the dog and put out the cat" "Yakety yak Don't talk back" "Yakety yak, yakety yak" "Yakety yak, yakety yak" "Yakety yak, yakety yak" "BUCK:" "You messed up the words, Ben." "BEN:" "No." "BUCK:" "You messed up the words twice." "CHET:" "Oh, wow!" "It hasn't changed." "CONNIE:" "God, I would've thought they made some improvements or something." "Come on, everybody." "Hey." "Our Lady of Victory..." "ALL:" "Pray for us." "Break!" "Let's go." "Oh!" "CHET:" "Watch the doors." "Whoa!" "Trees in the parking lot." "(CHUCKLING)" "Oh!" "Nature all around us, boys." "Take it in." "Take it all in." "(SIGHING)" "I'm gonna go check us in." "This is great." "Well?" "Is this a real North Woods lodge or what?" "Mmm-hmm." "Great." "Check out the shotgun lamp." "Isn't that something, huh?" "You don't see that every day." "Hey." "CHET:" "Hello!" "Hello!" "Anybody home?" "Looks the same, doesn't it?" "Doesn't it?" "Smells the same too." "Yeah, it does." "Hello!" "I wonder if they have a lot of check-ins." "What's this?" "What's this over here?" ""For prompt service, blow me."" "It's an interesting touch." "It's charming." "Blow it." "Shall I?" "BEN:" "Go ahead." "(HORN SCREECHES)" "(HORN BLOWING) Yeah!" "Whoo." "Jeez!" "(SNARLING)" "Folks, don't mind Wormer." "She hates people." "Wormer, shut the frig up." "What can I do you for?" "What happened to that..." "That dog's face?" "Porcupine quills." "Loves porcupines, hates people." "She's in heat too." "Too bad you're not a dog." "WALLY:" "What can I do you for?" "Wally, your dog ever had a bath before?" "(DOG GROWLING)" "There she is." "Oh, that's a gorgeous cabin." "Okay, hold it, hold it!" "That's good enough." "Hey!" "CONNIE:" "Honey, that's bigger than our honeymoon cabin." "WALLY:" "You city-dwelling fools are damn lucky to have this cabin." "It just became available yesterday." "We call it the Loon's Nest." "You know what a loon is, noodlehead?" "Yeah, we have one in our family." "Hey, hey, hey." "We had a fishing party in there up until yesterday." "They caught their limit, and then blew." "It's all redecorated inside." "WALLY:" "Every bit of it." "JUANITA:" "Me and Wally sunk over 300 bucks into it." "And that's not counting what we spent on Lysol." "Is that right?" "JUANITA:" "It's beautiful." "Now, you folks enjoy your stay." "Yeah, thanks." "Thank you very much." "How could you not in a place like this?" "(QUIETLY) You could get the shits from the well water." "What did he say?" "I missed it." "What a gas!" "Chet's gonna shit a solid-gold brick!" "What a great surprise!" "(CHUCKLES)" "I'll go see where he's bivouacked the family." "This is very unfair, Roman." "What the hell are you talking about?" "We're a family, for crying out loud!" "How many times have we invited Chet and Connie to the islands with us?" "A dozen?" "This is a little different." "We weren't invited." "Ah, they'll be tickled to death to see us." "CHET:" "Honey, I found out what was stinking up the shower." "A present from me to you." "How thoughtful." "That's really nice." "Put it in there with all the others." "There's fish all over this house." "Look, a pink one." "All right, let's leave this stuff right here, okay?" "You put your bathing suit on, and we'll go down to the lake." "No, no, you go ahead." "I really just can't seem to relax in filth." "Come on." "We'll all pitch in later and clean this up, all right?" "Let's go." "You know, we can't even use the bathroom until someone finds the toilet seat?" "Buck already found the toilet seat." "It was on the sun porch." "Sun porch?" "Yeah." "Makes you wonder, doesn't it?" "Come on, no further excuses, all right?" "What are you doing?" "I don't know." "I don't know." "Stop it, Chet." "You know, the kids are at the lake." "Come on, Chet, stop." "What are you doing?" "I'm not doing anything." "Honey, honey, honey, no!" "Well, we got the house to ourselves." "Hello." "Oh, no!" "What happened?" "I'm sorry." "I'm so sorry." "I just don't feel like this." "Can you understand that?" "I'm tired, I'm stinky." "Come on." "What are you doing?" "Come on." "Come on." "We're at the house by ourselves." "What about the kids?" "I don't care!" "What about the kids?" "They're down at the lake." "Don't do this here." "Let's go to the bedroom." "Why?" "That's the great thing about being in the North Woods, Connie." "What are you feeding me now?" "Come on!" "You can run around here naked as a bear and not worry about running into anybody." "Is that right?" "Yes." "Mmm-hmm." "Really?" "You think it's possible that we could play fashion parade?" "Please." "I don't wanna play fashion parade." "Why?" "CONNIE:" "You get to wear the good outfits!" "CHET:" "Oh, no, I'll let you wear them." "CONNIE:" "You will?" "Now, uh, you will be Shelana!" "Shelana, the oak tree woman." "Oh, I love it when I'm the oak tree woman!" "Temptress of the woods." "Yes!" "Yes!" "Yes!" "And I will be Burt." "Burt." "A guy named Burt." "(GIGGLING)" "CONNIE:" "I love it when you're Burt." "You're always..." "CHET:" "Mmm." "Or I could be Smokey's cousin, Horny." "CONNIE:" "He has endurance." "CHET:" "Yes, he does." "ROMAN:" "Anybody home?" "(LAUGHING)" "Shelana the woods temptress?" "With Horny the Bear, Smokey's cousin?" "(LAUGHING)" "Okay, okay." "Turn that off." "Turn it off." "Oh yeah." "No, no, Chester, you said it." "Do it on the floor." "(ROMAN LAUGHING)" "Beautiful stuff." "Hey, that's all right." "Game playing, role playing." "Helps in a marriage after a little while, you know?" "Turn the damn thing off!" "Turn it off." "(CHUCKLING) That was quite a surprise." "I mean... (CHUCKLING) That was quite a surprise." "I mean..." "You got me." "(LAUGHING)" "And the whole week you'll be here!" "(LAUGHING)" "Okay." "Oh, wow!" "Just something." "So, anyway, you're an intelligent man." "Thank you." "You make a good living." "Not bad." "You got a good life." "Pretty good." "Answer me one question." "Sure." "Why the hell would you want to come up to a plant-infested no-man's-land like this and live like a barbarian for a week?" "You wouldn't understand." "Try me." "I have great memories of this country when I was a kid, you know, and I used to come up here with my dad and I want the boys to have the same memories." "Look around you, Roman!" "For God sakes, this is beautiful country here!" "Take a good look." "I'll tell you what I see when I look out there, if you wanna know." "Yeah, I'm curious." "I see the underdeveloped resources of Northern Minnesota, Wisconsin and Michigan." "I see a syndicated development consortium exploiting over a billion and a half dollars in forest products." "I see a paper mill, and, if the strategic metals are there, a mining operation." "A green belt between the condos on the lake and a waste management facility focusing on the newest rage in toxic waste, medical refuse, infected bandages, body parts, IV tubing, contaminated glassware, entrails, syringes, fluid, blood, low-grade radioactive wastes," "all safely contained, sunken in the lake and sealed for centuries." "Now, I ask you." "What do you see?" "I just see, uh..." "I see trees." "Well, no one ever accused you of having a grand vision." "Nope." "Maybe it's all for the best." "While the ambitious scramble for wealth and power, the Chet Ripley's of the world are just able to lay back and casually stroll along life's path." "I mean that as a compliment." "Oh, thanks." "The rest of us are all probably gonna die of heart attacks and strokes long before you." "I hope so." "Wouldn't that be great?" "Gee, just to see a bunch of people drop that you hate." "That would be something else, I'm telling you." "My goodness!" "My goodness me!" "I'm gonna walk down life's path right now." "Ah, get the barbecue going, get some hot dogs on there." "Wait a minute." "No way." "Wait a hot-shit minute." "Rule one, no relative of mine is gonna eat hot dogs as long as he's sharing my cabin." "Katie!" "Do you sense the presence of an alien life form?" "Now that you mention it, I do kind of sense something kind of strange." "Yeah, some kind of... (CHUCKLES)" "Ah, shit." "(THE TWILIGHT ZONE THEME PLAYING)" "ROMAN:" "Did I tell you what we did in the Euro-currency futures market last week?" "Probably." "I thought I might have mentioned how we picked up a deutschmarks contract, sat on it a week, sold it taking a 300 percent profit." "Well, easy money is money easily lost." "See, I can't believe how dangerously old-fashioned your thinking is." "Three hundred percent profit, huh?" "Sometimes it's 200 percent, sometimes 100 percent." "Take the good with the bad." "CHET:" "Yeah." "Still that's pretty good." "The point of the matter is, you should have your piece too." "(WOMEN CHATTERING)" "Wow, hot!" "Oh ho!" "How are those tails?" "What?" "Who's saying something about my tails?" "They're killers." "They're 28 bucks a pop." "Twenty-eight?" "Oh, my God." "You know, Chet and I haven't had lobster in an age, not since our anniversary, anyway." "Oh, my goodness!" "Jumping lobster!" "Save that one." "That'll be for me." "(LAUGHING) I'll make sure of that." "How about the gourmet here?" "You know what he wanted?" "Hot dogs." "ROMAN:" "You know what they make those things out of, huh, Chet?" "Lips and assholes." "(LAUGHING SARCASTICALLY)" "I guess I'm old-fashioned." "I like assholes." "And I like lips!" "If I could market lips like those, I'd make another million." "(LAUGHING SARCASTICALLY)" "ROMAN:" "Lobster turned out all right, huh?" "If I do say so myself." "So, I think we should go into town tomorrow and pick up a ski boat." "What do you say?" "Sound good, guys?" "Uncle Roman will blow some coin on a kick-ass drag boat." "That's okay." "We're renting a pontoon boat." "Pontoon boat." "What the hell you gonna do with a pontoon boat?" "Retake Omaha Beach?" "No, not at all." "A pontoon boat, you go out and, you know, you cruise the lake." "You swim from them, you fish from them, and even bring the barbecue out." "You have a great time with these things." "You tour the lake in comfort is what I'm saying." "You guys wanna cruise the lake in comfort or would you rather skim the waves with Uncle Roman in a jet boat?" "Jet boat!" "Sorry, Dad." "Attaboy, Benny!" "All right, that's my man!" "Care to put it to a vote, Chester?" "We don't need a vote, all right?" "If you guys want a jet boat, you get a jet boat." "Buck and I are getting a pontoon boat, right, Buck?" "Sorry, Dad." "Directly from the mouths of babes, Chet." "Are you gonna argue, or are you gonna enjoy yourselves?" "Hey, I'm enjoying!" "Chet's arguing." "Hey, how about if the kids go out and catch fireflies." "You know, we could play cards." "Cara?" "Mara?" "You little dolls wanna go outside and catch fireflies?" "Honey, they don't like bugs." "What do you mean?" "All kids like bugs." "They're cute." "Especially fireflies." "Their butts light up." "(SCREAMING)" "KATE:" "I tell you, I am a killer Monopoly player." "Roman taught me." "He's vicious." "(ALL CHATTERING)" "ROMAN:" "Buddy Reiser died." "KATE:" "Oh, no!" "ROMAN:" "The president of Energy and Resources died in bed." "KATE:" "He was your mentor, wasn't he?" "One of the men I admired." "Hey, I'm trying to read here." "BEN:" "Yeah, I'm reading the Wall Street Report." "Sorry, I think I have to tell you this story." "A story that might save your lives since we're up here in the North Woods." "I know the Heimlich maneuver." "(LAUGHING)" "CHET:" "No, this is a bear story." "A true bear story." "See, Connie and I honeymooned up at this very same lake." "Big spender." "CHET:" "We stayed at my uncle's cabin." "Uncle George?" "Yeah, that's right." "One night we were getting ready for bed and we heard this terrible noise out by the trash cans." "You remember?" "And, uh, I went downstairs to check it out, looked out the window." "And there was the biggest, baddest bear in the North Woods." "Sure, Dad." "No, it's true." "It's true." "This bear was over eight feet high." "(BEAR GROWLING)" "With big, white teeth." "(GROWLING)" "Fangs stained pink" "from whatever it killed before it got to our cabin." "It was frightening." "(GROWLS)" "Frightening." "The paws on this thing were immense..." "Ugh." "...with big black claws, razor sharp like Freddy Krueger." "(YELLS)" "Only worse." "Worse, worse." "This wasn't a movie." "This was happening." "This was now." "This was right in front of me." "And all that separated me from that bear was a pane of glass." "Honey, maybe we shouldn't tell this story right now." "Mom, it's fine." "No, no." "I'm thinking about nightmares." "No, no." "They have to hear this." "Like I say, it might save their life one day." "Now I saw that bear, it saw me," "and it was hungry." "Hungry for blood!" "Human blood." "You see, once a bear gets a taste for blood, it craves it, it needs it." "It will do anything it can to get it." "That bear had become a man-eater." "Our eyes locked." "My heart was pumping." "Pump, pump, pump, pump, pump." "I ran into the living room." "I grabbed the shotgun off the mantle." "(GASPS) Turned around, and there was that bear right in the window." "Its breath was fogging up the glass." "And suddenly it let out this God-awful roar." "(ROARING)" "It started smashing on the walls." "(BEAR ROARING) Then the pots and pans started rattling." "And the walls started shimmering and the floorboards started lifting." "I knew then that it was either the bear or your mom and I." "So I raised the rifle, I took aim and I fired!" "You wasted her?" "Nah, Benny, Benny, Benny." "A shotgun's not gonna kill a monster bear like that!" "Well, what happened?" "The buckshot shaved the hair clean off the top of its head." "It ran off." "We never saw it again." "Oh, I hear from my uncle every now and then." "And he'd tell us about the bald-headed killer bear that was roaming about the area." "The bald-headed killer bear of Clare County." "Is she still around?" "Oh!" "No, no, no." "That bear's gone." "She may be out there." "Crazy, bloodthirsty as ever." "So when you go to bed tonight, if you hear a noise," "whatever you do, don't look out the window." "Because it might be the bear!" "(SCREAMING)" "(SHOUTING)" "Jesus Christ!" "I'm half-drunk here, Chet." "What are you trying to do?" "Give me nightmares for a month?" "Come on, Roman." "I can't believe you, Dad." "All right?" "Oh, Benny, Benny, honey!" "Gee, I'm 25 pounds overweight." "I don't need a blast to the ticker like that!" "I felt my plaque start flowing again!" "Really inappropriate, Chet." "What?" "It was a story!" "Come on!" "Oh, come on!" "It was a kind of true story." "Part of it happened." "I just embellished a bit, that's all." "Come on, kids." "Oh, what?" "What?" "What is that look?" "CONNIE:" "Benny..." "So now I get the look." "I was just trying to have some fun." "CONNIE:" "Good night." "Oh, God!" "So I made the fangs a little bigger." "Jeez." "CHET:" "I'm telling you, you got nothing to be afraid of, okay?" "I mean it." "Look, it's a story my dad told me, and I'm sure his dad told him, and I'm telling you." "CHET:" "It's just made up." "One day you're gonna tell your kids this story." "You will." "I guarantee it." "Good evening." "How's it going?" "Listen, girls, as your father," "I feel it incumbent upon me to set the record straight on the validity of the tale which Uncle Chet shared with us this evening." "I know that a terrifying story like that coming from the mouth of a recognized authority figure could be traumatizing for kids like yourselves." "I know that because I had a similar experience with my Uncle Roy and a story he used to tell about a family that went into the woods and was attacked by a band of escaped army psychiatric patients who'd been subjected to violent," "hellish, torturous behavior-modification experiments." "It seems they escaped from the metal boxes the army kept them in, found this family in the woods, fell upon them, slaughtered them and ate them." "Now, that story gave me nightmares not to be believed." "I don't want Uncle Chet's bear story to upset you in the same way." "So I'm here to say that there actually is no bear and that all of what Uncle Chet was saying was just a yarn, spinning for our entertainment." "And even if there were a bear out there, I'm in the house to protect you." "So, no more thinking about bears, all right?" "No more thinking about unpleasant things." "We're gonna close our eyes and dream about nice things." "About cuddly, soft, fluffy things." "Okay?" "Super." "Good night." "Sleep tight." "(CLOCK TICKING)" "(RACCOONS SQUEAKING)" "(SNORING)" "(CLOCK TICKING)" "Honey?" "Chet?" "Where are you?" "Oh, God!" "That's rotted." "Oh!" "Hello." "Jerry Asmuth, please." "Roman Craig." "Yeah, I can hold, but not for too long." "I'm in God's country here." "My signal's kind of weak." "Honey?" "KATE:" "Yes, Roman?" "Why is it Chet's kids look at him like he's Zeus and my kids look at me like I'm a rack of yard tools at Sears?" "I mean, why can't they connect with me?" "KATE:" "Well, honey, maybe if you spent less time at work and a little more time with us, things would be different." "Put a cork in it, honey." "Talking business." "Jerry." "Yeah, Roman." "How are you?" "Listen, I'll save us a lot of trouble now and cut right to the chase." "I got an unbelievable investment opportunity for you." "You got about three minutes and 25 grand?" "Jerry?" "Did you hear what I said?" "Lost the signal here." "These cellular phones, they don't work." "Well, maybe he hung up on you." "Why would our minister hang up on me?" "I've been to his church." "Oh, yeah!" "Once!" "All right!" "(LAUGHING) How about that, huh?" "We're gonna be scraping the bugs off our teeth with this baby, Ben!" "That's too much boat." "It's just too much." "Can I ask you a question?" "Sure." "Are you hungry?" "Give me four chili dogs and two plain dogs, please." "That's six hot dogs, Dad." "It's for everybody, all right?" "And I'm hungry." "So?" "Oh, yeah." "Do you mind if I just walk around for a while?" "You know, cruise the town?" "I can walk back when I'm done." "All right, all right." "But you gotta promise me when you get back we're gonna spend some time together." "Right." "That's why we're up here, you know." "I know." "That's the point of this trip, to be in the woods." "The men, the guys, together." "Rugged, manly, all that stuff." "The full nine yards." "Exactly." "All right?" "Right." "Give me a hug." "What?" "Give me a hug, will you?" "Come on." "Dad..." "I'm too old for hugs." "You're never too old for hugs." "(GROANING)" "Can I go now?" "Thank you very much." "Thank you." "Go, go, go." "If you meet any friends, bring them back." "We'll give them a ride in Suck My Wake." "(ENGINE ROARING)" "God!" "Great." "You've got it in neutral!" "It's okay." "It's in neutral." "You gotta put it..." "(SHOUTING)" "(PEOPLE CHATTERING)" "(PEOPLE LAUGHING)" "(LAUGHING)" "CHET:" "Okay." "Dad, I'll figure it out." "Just give me the skis already." "I'm sorry, I forgot." "You're a professional skier already." "You don't need any notes on this, huh?" "You don't need any help from somebody who might know a little something about skiing, huh?" "CHET:" "We're gonna go over it one more time, okay?" "BEN:" "Fine." "CHET:" "Come on, this is important, Ben." "BEN:" "Okay!" "What are we doing sitting here?" "You know, he's teaching the kid, giving him lessons." "Wants Benny to be safe." "Lean back." "There you go." "Doesn't that feel better?" "Yeah." "There you go." "Okay, we're leaning back." "Okay, now there's trouble." "What?" "There's some trouble." "Come on, Ben, what are we gonna do?" "Let go of the rope." "How many times have I told you?" "Let go of the rope." "If you're in trouble, let go of the rope." "Remember, go loose when you fall." "Just go loose." "What is he doing?" "ROMAN:" "I don't know." "I don't know, he's shaking." "Some kind of a new dance or something." "BEN:" "Okay, hold this." "Thanks, Dad." "CHET:" "Fix your vest up." "Are we gonna ski or what?" "CHET:" "I can't tell you... (SHUSHING) ...how important this is." "(CHUCKLES)" "ROMAN:" "Let's go!" "Ski or flee." "Honey, he's waving." "Ah, he's going." "All right." "Whoa!" "Hey, Dad, let go of the rope!" "CHET:" "Help me, for God's sake!" "Holy shit!" "Oh, no!" "Wow!" "Whoa!" "(LAUGHING)" "You bastard!" "Whoa!" "Whoa!" "Whoa!" "You bastard, Roman!" "What's he saying?" "You bastard!" "What's he saying?" ""Faster."" "Go faster!" "(ROMAN LAUGHING)" "Hi!" "Roman, what the hell are you doing?" "I love to see him relaxing." "(HORN SOUNDING)" "I'm dead!" "I'm dead!" "I'm dead!" "I'm dead!" "I'm dead!" "I'm dying!" "I'm dying!" "I'm dying!" "I'm alive." "I'm alive." "Thank you!" "Thank you!" "Thank you!" "Ah, no!" "(GROANS)" "(SCREAMS)" "(YELLING)" "(GROANING)" "(GRUNTING)" "(PANTING)" "(PEOPLE CHEERING)" "What are you doing?" "What's it look like I'm doing?" "I am not taking any more of Roman's crap." "If you like him, you stay with him, 'cause I'm through." "I'm out of here." "Wait a minute." "Wait a minute." "What happened that got you so crazy?" ""What happened?" Come on! "What happened?" Yeah." "How about Roman dragging me all over the goddamn lake?" "How about that for starters, huh?" "Not bad, huh?" "Have you seen my ass lately?" "No, not recently." "Well, I'll be picking splinters out of it from now until the day I die!" "Oh, honey, come on." "Oh, you find that funny?" "Yeah, that was hysterical, wasn't it?" "No, it wasn't really funny, but because I love you, it was." "God." "Thanks a lot!" "What about the kids?" "What about his kids?" "Let's talk about his kids." "His kids, they're spooky, all right?" "I'm waiting for their heads to rotate around and vomit pea soup." "I mean our kids." "Our kids already do that." "What about this father-son thing?" "You're gonna leave, you're gonna pack up?" "Come on!" "The guy's driving me crazy!" "You're a big man." "And you're a nice man." "And you're above all this." "Oh, don't." "Hey, you are." "Oh, come on." "I know it to be true." "(LAUGHING) All right, don't!" "Don't." "Don't!" "Come on, I'm mad." "I'm mad." "(LAUGHING)" "All right, all right, what are you saying?" "I'm being silly?" "Crazy!" "Stop." "Why do you always do this to me, you know?" "I'm crazy about you." "Kiss me." "Do you feel better?" "I do, and I'm sorry." "I just feel like a little kid." "I feel a lot better." "Why did you do this?" "Why now?" "I was ready to go!" "(LAUGHING) Why, why, why?" "I was almost in the car!" "Now I've got to spend a week with Roman!" "(GROWLS)" "Come on." "You're gonna have fun from now on in, I promise you." "Roman's making goat cheese pizza and we'll take it over to the lodge." "He's making what?" "What did you say?" "Pizza?" "No, you didn't say pizza, you said something else." "Big man pizza." "What are you hiding?" "Big pizza!" "You don't have to hide from me." "Tell me what it is." "Pizza." "You said a "goat" in there." "Is he making goat pizza or something?" "What is this?" "Hey!" "Come here." "Connie!" "(WHISTLING)" "Roman, I got a few things to gnaw over with you." "What's going on, Wally?" "I found your youngsters inside the mine perimeter." "What mine?" "There's an old mica mine on the other side of the property." "It's full of boreholes and sinkholes and pits, caves, hollows." "The war shut the facility down." "It's never been reopened." "Anyway, the kids go there and they yell down the hole so they can hear their voices echo." "I'm not gonna tell you what the teenagers do there." "I'll bet." "Tell Ripley, too, huh?" "Done." "WALLY:" "Take care of them, Roman." "We got a shot to see a female Elvis impersonator over in White Water and you want to wish happy birthday to a guy you never even met?" "You want to go to White Water, go to White Water." "As for me, I find it more interesting to pay my respects to a man who's had the courage to live on this earth 109 years." "You know, he's the oldest living man in Canada, kids." "Isn't that something?" "Personally, I'd rather see a 46-inch bust singing Burning Love." "(LAUGHING)" "(MUSIC PLAYING)" "Hey, Wally!" "How you doing?" "How about a nice club soda, please?" "I'm driving tonight." "Nice outfit!" "You're Mr. Coordinated tonight, huh?" "Well..." "Quite the look on you." "(LAUGHING)" "Well, the pants are riding up the butt something fierce but I'll get by." "Wally, what's the bear dump situation like?" "We got a good one." "Good evening, sir." "Happy birthday." "He must be hard of hearing or something." "Try again." "(SPEAKING GERMAN)" "Do you speak English?" "Our sincerest congratulations, sir." "You wishing Mr. Tompkins a happy birthday?" "Yeah, Dad, about 100 times." "I don't think the guy can hear us or something." "He's deaf." "How about a nice group photo, huh?" "Give me your camera." "All right, everybody get in there." "What do I do, push the red button?" "BUCK:" "Just the red button, Dad." "How do you focus?" "BUCK:" "You don't focus." "You don't have to focus?" "BUCK:" "You don't have to focus." "Just push the red button." "Chet, I don't like them youngsters climbing around Mr. Tompkins like that." "He ain't no jungle gym." "All right, girls, why don't you kiss Mr. Tompkins on the cheek?" "A nice kiss on the cheek." "WALLY:" "No." "Come on, it's cute." "What old man wouldn't like a little girl kissing him on the cheek?" "A dead one." "Huh?" "Bill died in the car on the way over here." "Jesus, Dad!" "Go wash, go wash, go wash!" "In the bathroom." "In the bathroom." "How could you do that?" "I didn't do that." "He did it." "You're disgusting." "Kids?" "(ROCK AND ROLL MUSIC PLAYING)" "(PEOPLE CHATTERING)" "That was a real good shot." "That was really, really good." "What the hell..." "Hey, you gave her a world-class goose with the pool cue, Buck." "She's so cute!" "Violent, but yeah, cute." "You got chalk right there." "Look, I'll be back in a couple of minutes, okay?" "What about the bear dump?" "(BEARS GROWLING)" "CHET:" "Hey, it's crowded." "Hey, this is great." "BEN:" "Yeah, Dad." "See, a lot of people are hip to this." "Oh, yeah." "Hey!" "CHET:" "All right." "Look at those bears!" "Huh?" "Are you scared or what?" "Look at the bears!" "They're great, Dad." ""They're great, Dad."" "I've got a great idea." "You're gonna see some bears." "(SHUSHING) Dad." "(WHISTLING)" "Here you go." "Nice Zagnut." "(BEAR GROWLING) Yeah!" "(CHUCKLING) Come on." "Come on." "Come on!" "More!" "Come on." "Here's some more." "(BEAR GROWLING)" "Jeez." "Boy, he likes those." "Now we'll get some action." "Whoa." "Big head on him." "Whoo boy!" "Easy, easy, easy there!" "Easy!" "Hey, come on, watch the paint job." "(GROWLING) Hey, shoo!" "Look at the size of those teeth." "Whoo." "Jeez." "Hey, shoo!" "Go on!" "Dad, I wouldn't do that." "All right." "You may be right." "Yeah, he's looking at us." "He's not finished, that's it." "When he finishes, he'll go." "He's a pretty big bear." "Very big." "Yeah." "CHET:" "Just let him eat his candy bar." "Shoo, shoo, shoo." "Hi." "How you doing?" "Whoa, jeez." "Ah, jeez." "All right, all right, all right." "Okay." "Let me rethink this." "Hey!" "What the hell?" "All right..." "I've..." "I've told you I loved you, right?" "Yeah." "Good, good." "What do you say we call it a night, huh?" "(BANGING ON THE ROOF)" "Holy jeez." "Oh, boy." "Oh, boy." "We started something." "Um..." "Let's call it an evening." "Yeah, I'm tired." "Me, too." "Me, too." "(BEN YAWNING) Yeah, let's just go." "(ENGINE STARTING)" "(HORN HONKING)" "BEN:" "That didn't scare him, Dad." "I'm gonna move now." "I'm moving now!" "All right, I'll just drive out." "He'll jump right off, son." "Don't you worry." "BEN:" "Dad, isn't it illegal to drive with a bear on your hood?" "CHET:" "I don't know in this state, son." "Look, I just don't... (BEAR GROWLING)" "Yogi and Boo Boo in the flesh." "I wish to hell Ranger Smith would get out here and get us home." "(THUDDING)" "Hey, easy on the roof, pal." "We should've brought Uncle Roman's car." "(PEOPLE CHATTERING)" "Knock, knock." "You didn't give me a chance to apologize." "Can I sit down?" "I don't own the park." "Oh." "Look, um..." "I just got here." "I'm from..." "Chicago." "How did you know?" "Look, it's no big trick, dude." "Live all your life in this town, it becomes like second nature." "Guess this means that I met my first local." "You don't know how local I am." "You know... it's..." "It's a really beautiful town." "I mean..." "It's a hole in the earth." "Look, why don't you just save your breath?" "I'm not a tourist attraction." "What did I do?" "Hey, Dad." "How you doing, handsome?" "What are you doing down here?" "Getting a breath of night air." "Hey, you wanna take a spin in the rowboat?" "Right now?" "Yeah, what the hell?" "In the dark?" "We'll check out some stars." "I don't know, Dad." "Come on." "Let's do something." "You know, we're here." "Let's go." "Come on." "Come on." "I'll let you row." "BUCK:" "Oh, great." "It'll be fun." "Yeah." "CHET:" "Boy, what a beautiful sky!" "Smell that air." "Isn't that something?" "(COUGHING)" "That's the old city in your lungs." "Get rid of that." "You're getting the good air in there now." "You know, one day you're gonna be coming up here with your kids." "Yeah." "Maybe." "I want to give you something." "Dad, you're not gonna kiss me in the boat under the moon, are you?" "I'm not gonna kiss you." "I'm gonna give you my ring." "Why?" "Why?" "Because my father gave it to me, and now I'm giving it to you." "You're grown up now." "You deserve it." "So, like..." "You and I coming up to the woods is like your father bringing you here." "Yeah, I guess so." "Yeah." "I understand." "Thanks for the ring." "(RACCOON SCREECHING)" "(PEOPLE CHATTERING)" "(MUSIC PLAYING)" "How you doing, Cammie?" "Can I help you?" "I don't know." "What's the house specialty?" "Where am I supposed to put the tray?" "(CHUCKLES)" "Well, from the way you spoke to me last night," "I'm sure you can think of a hundred good places." "I'm sorry about that." "I was in kind of a bad mood, okay?" "Don't worry about it." "It happens to me all the time." "It's no big deal." "But that doesn't mean I didn't mean what I said." "For the most part, it's true." "Wait." "You don't even know me." "How can you say that's true of me?" "It's a safe assumption." "Excuse me." "Can we get some service over here?" "Yeah, I'll be right there." "Just a sec." "Look, I gotta go." "Okay?" "What time do you finish work?" "8:00." "8:00?" "And where are you gonna be after work at 8:00?" "I'll be around." "Can I see you?" "Yeah, if you can find me." "(LAUGHING)" "I got you!" "I got you!" "(SHOUTS)" "(LAUGHING)" "Oh!" "Come on, Chet." "Better ride up here." "If you trail behind, the Indians will get you." "(KATE LAUGHING)" "CONNIE:" "Come on, honey." "BUCK:" "Uncle Roman, wait for Dad." "BEN:" "Dad, hurry up." "CONNIE:" "Oh, boy." "ROMAN:" "Watch out for those Wisconsin rattlers or wild boar." "CONNIE:" "Honey, come on!" "Whoa." "Whoa." "BEN:" "Wait up, you guys." "Hey, come on." "Whoa!" "Hey, ow!" "Easy." "All right." "Okay, have it your way." "I'll just get off." "Here we go." "You all right?" "Okay, let's go." "We'll walk it." "Come on." "Come on!" "Let's... (NEIGHING)" "Hey." "Easy, easy." "Now, let's just walk back to the stable." "All right?" "I'm walking, you're walking." "Let's have a nice easy walk." "Come on." "(NEIGHING)" "All right." "All right." "That was your last chance." "That's it." "Have it your way." "I don't wanna do this, but you forced me to." "Remember that." "I hate to do this to you." "Normally, I'm not a mean person, but I'm a..." "Hey!" "Come back here!" "Son of a bitch!" "(NEIGHING)" "I tell you that baby I was riding was a purebred." "Purebred mule horse." "(LAUGHING)" "You rode it like it was." "Hey, I'm telling you, that baby was bred for packing." "Honey, you're a stud." "You look great on that horse." "ROMAN:" "Here he comes." "CONNIE:" "Where's our pal?" "Where is he?" "Oh, my gosh!" "Hi, honey." "ROMAN:" "He lost his mount." "Hey, how you doing there, trooper?" "Where's that ball-slapping nag you were riding?" "(KATE LAUGHING)" "CONNIE:" "He looks a little worse for wear, doesn't he?" "BUCK:" "You okay, Dad?" "I'm okay." "Did that horse buck you off?" "ROMAN:" "What happened?" "You got hungry and had to eat the nag, huh?" "Let's go home." "I think I'll go home." "You go home?" "Home?" "We've got a whole day of activities planned." "A little nap." "No, come on!" "Oh, yeah." "I'm fine." "A little nap." "Ah, come on." "Hey!" "(PEOPLE CHEERING)" "ROMAN:" "Yeah, I know muskie's the big-deal fish up in these waters, but you come with me up to the Norfolk Canyon off the coast of Virginia," "I'll strap you into a fishing chair and let you hook into a 1,000-pound blue marlin." "Buddy, you're gonna know what fishing's all about with a capital "F"." "You'll have to excuse my brother-in-law." "He gets a couple cocktails into him, he becomes an expert on everything." "I don't need cocktails for that." "Was that a shot?" "No, that was the truth." "That was a shot!" "That was a shot." "Speaking of shots, set us up." "(LAUGHING)" "This guy's a riot." "Isn't he, though?" "Everybody loves him, right?" "Oh, yeah, yeah." "By the way, Herm, you make a lot of tips on this job?" "HERM:" "Well, I do all right." "ROMAN:" "Who's handling your investments?" "My wife's got some egg money put aside." "But she's a real bear." "Won't give it up to me." "Yeah." "Well, I'll take her phone number." "I'll change that." "Believe me, that's what I do for a living." "Investments is what I do!" "How you doing?" "(STUTTERING) Well, it ain't raining." "It ain't raining so that's good." "(LAUGHING) Yeah, I guess so." "You fellows met Reg?" "I don't think so." "How you doing?" "Roman Craig." "Pleased to meet you." "Chet Ripley." "How do you do?" "That's quite a hairdo you got going there, Reg." "That a neo-skunk thing or..." "Roman, what are you..." "He's got the hair." "You don't have to say anything." "His hair turned white 'cause lightning hit him." "He's been struck by lightning, how many times is it now, Reg?" "(STUTTERING) Six." "Six times!" "(STUTTERING) Sixty-six times in the head!" "Sixty-six times!" "God!" "That's gotta hurt!" "You'll never meet a guy more tuned into the barometric pressure than Reg is." "Yeah." "You see him running like hell for home, you head for cover." "Right, Reg?" "Hey, buddy, you pay for the drinks." "I gotta go to the john." "I'll be right back." "Gonna introduce Mr. Thick Dick to Mr. Urinal Cake." "Aw, jeez, Roman, do you have to be... (ROMAN CHUCKLING)" "What I really want to say is thank you." "This is very important to Roman and me." "I miss you, Connie." "(LAUGHING) Oh, honey." "(KATE SOBBING)" "It's so lonely being wealthy." "I wouldn't know about that." "No, no, I mean it, honey!" "I mean it." "It is lonely." "He works terrible hours." "Travels." "There'll be times we'll go a month without going to bed together." "Really, a month?" "That long?" "Mmm-hmm." "Sometimes I think the only way I'll get any pleasure is by leaning against the washer during the spin cycle." "Does that really work?" "Have you ever seen whiter whites?" "(KATE GIGGLING)" "CAMMIE:" "When do you go back to Chicago?" "Um, three days." "You know, I've never had a boyfriend for longer than two weeks." "Get out of here." "That's why I was such a bitch to you that first night." "No, you weren't a bitch." "Yes, yes, I was." "It's no big deal." "Don't worry about it." "That's why I don't understand what I'm doing here with you." "Look, I've never even had a girlfriend." "I mean, I've dated girls, but, you know," "I never had one I'd call my girlfriend." "What would you call me?" "Officially?" "Ahem." "Girlfriend?" "And you're leaving in three days." "See what I mean?" "Yeah." "Well?" "Well what?" "(LAUGHING)" "(KATE SCREAMING)" "What, what, what, what?" "It touched me!" "It's been touching you for 12 years!" "You never freaked!" "Not you!" "ROMAN:" "What?" "KATE:" "A thing!" "ROMAN:" "What thing?" "What's going on, for God sakes?" "What is it?" "What is it?" "What is it?" "That thing!" "It's just a little sparrow." "Come on, Roman, it's got ears!" "(SCREAMING)" "Jesus Marie!" "It's a tiny flying mouse, not a grizzly bear." "I am not going back in there until you get it out." "All right." "We'll get it out." "We'll get it out." "Chet?" "What?" "Run down to the shed, get a shovel." "Go in there and get that radar-guided vermin." "Yeah." "Why me?" "Well, it's your cabin." "We didn't order one with bats." "Well, you stay here too, you know." "You're the host." "So, what?" "Stop fighting and go, go, go kill it." "I don't think we have to kill it, mom." "Kill it!" "No, Ben, it didn't do anything." "It attacked me." "Okay, he's wimping out." "I'll have to take care of it." "I am not wimping, all right?" "I'm just thinking, that's all." "There's a big difference between wimping and thinking." "You want me to take care of the thing, I'll take care of the thing." "I was just wondering who was gonna do it." "I'll do it." "I'll do it." "I'll take care of it." "Like to get some sleep." "That's what I'd like to do." "Afraid of a little bat." "(SCOFFS)" "(WINGS FLUTTERING)" "So?" "It buzzed me." "We need a plan." "It's bigger than I thought." "It's about a two-pounder." "BUCK:" "Two-pounder?" "Yeah, big wings." "Wow." "It's got the teeth." "Terrible." "It's frightening." "Wow." "I think we have to..." "We have to do something." "What we need, Roman, big plan, big plan." "That's what we need." "We'll have this little baby squealing mayday by midnight." "All right." "Let's split up." "Do you see him?" "He's hiding." "I know that." "Turn out the lights." "Why?" "He's nocturnal." "He'll think it's daytime like this." "Good point." "Now we got him." "Come on, you little sonar-guided rodent." "Connie, bats carry rabies, don't they?" "Yeah, among other things." "What?" "Do they?" "(WHISPERING) I'm gonna call him." "I'm gonna call him now." "(WHISPERING) Okay, okay, just be still." "All right." "(LIPS SMACKING)" "Are you kissing him or are you calling him?" "No, I'm calling him down." "That's just the sound they make." "The high-pitched squeal." "Okay, okay." "(SQUEALING)" "(CLANGING)" "(BOTH SHOUTING)" "(GLASS SHATTERING)" "Right there." "Right there, Dad." "Look up!" "Look up!" "(WOMEN CLAMORING)" "Oh, no." "Oh." "(SCREAMING)" "I got him!" "(GRUNTING)" "(GRUNTING)" "Think fast!" "Think fast!" "Get the light on him." "Get the light on him." "Dad, keep your eye on the bat, okay?" "(CHILDREN SCREAMING)" "Look at that thing move!" "(GRUNTS)" "(SCREAMING)" "Christ almighty!" "Oh, jeez, my head!" "Oh, my head." "Where is he?" "Where is he?" "(CHUCKLING) I don't know." "He's in the rafters." "He's refueling!" "Where are you?" "Where are you?" "(GRUNTING) Right here!" "He's on my face!" "He's on my face!" "Hold still!" "(ALL EXCLAIMING)" "CONNIE:" "Honey." "We got it!" "We got it!" "Oh, the pain." "Chet, we got it." "(ALL SIGHING)" "Ooh, that had to hurt." "(GROANING)" "What a fighter." "ROMAN:" "Boy, he was something!" "I salute him!" "But we gotta get some sleep." "(THUMPS)" "(ALL GROANING)" "(PEOPLE CHATTERING)" "Hey." "Glad to see you." "Yeah." "What time do you get off work tonight?" "8:00." "Great, I'll meet you at 9.00." "Okay." "Where?" "I don't know." "You're the one who lives here." "Um, the bait shop?" "Sure." "I'll buy you some worms." "You won't ditch me?" "Wait a second." "Why would I ditch you?" "I don't know." "I'm waiting for it to happen." "Look, if I ditch you, you have my permission never to speak to me as long as we both shall live." "Promise?" "Promise." "I got to go." "See you later." "Bye." "CHET:" "Yeah." "That should do it." "Yeah." "CONNIE:" "I think that's a good idea." "All right." "I'll have the Royal Canadian Mounted beef barley soup." "Ooh!" "Yeah." "Yeah." "And then that bucket of salad." "Oh, I'll split that with you." "You will?" "Yeah." "All right, do that." "That would help." "And then the..." "I guess the medley of perch." "That's my favorite." "Okay." "ROMAN:" "Miss?" "What's the Old '96er?" "Oh, that's our world-famous Paul Bunyan's Blue Ox Steak." "It is a 96-ounce prime-aged beef steak." "And if you or any member of your party orders the Old '96er and finishes, everybody eats for free." "(ALL EXCLAIMING) Not bad, huh?" "Want to go for it, girls?" "(KATE SNICKERING) Oh, Roman." "How about you, Chet?" "WAITRESS:" "People seem to like that." "I'll try it." "What the heck." "Okay, great." "CONNIE:" "Yeah, it sounds good." "Seriously, though, has anybody ever eaten one?" "Oh, no." "No." "Not in my lifetime, no." "(SIZZLING)" "Bon appétit." "Oh, good God." "Look at that." "MAN:" "Check it out." "(MAN LAUGHING)" "How is he?" "(GURGLING)" "Mmm." "Huh?" "That's good." "Processing nicely." "Processing very, very good." "All right, continue." "(CROWD CHATTERING)" "All right." "(MUMBLING) I did it." "(PEOPLE CHEERING)" "I think that just about does it." "He's not done yet." "Well, he may take a little while with that last bite, but it'll go down." "That ain't the last bite." "Well, sure it is." "There's nothing on that plate but gristle and fat." "Oh, God, no." "No problem." "Listen, if can I get a dessert down him, you think you could throw in a couple of Paul Bunyan hats for the kids?" "(ALL APPLAUDING)" "Mind if I go now?" "They'll be telling their grandkids about this." "ROMAN: (LAUGHING) Oh, boy!" "What a night, huh?" "Okay, but don't be too late." "ROMAN:" "Where's he going?" "(PEOPLE WHISTLING)" "That Jimbo's not a bad guy." "I just had a word with him." "Here's the kicker." "(SQUEAKING)" "Shit!" "(SIGHS)" "Oh, my God." "Oh, jeez." "(KATE SIGHING)" "Look at the size of the maggots on that meat." "Oh, honey." "(CHET RETCHING)" "(CHILDREN SCREAMING)" "Oh!" "Oh, my God." "Honey." "(CRICKETS CHIRPING)" "CHET:" "Let's go, everybody, move it out." "It's 5 a.m." "Fishing boat's shoving off in 15 minutes." "(ALL GROANING)" "ROMAN:" "These are the biggest worms I've ever encountered." "CHET:" "They're not worms, they're leeches." "(ALL EXCLAIMING IN DISGUST)" "BUCK:" "Jesus!" "I am not touching leeches, Dad." "No way." "Cut it out, will you?" "They don't bite." "BEN:" "No." "They suck blood." "Ow!" "Would you watch the hook?" "BUCK:" "Dad, that's my hook." "(CHET SCREAMING)" "CHET:" "Where's the bins?" "Where's the flashlights?" "I don't know." "Right over there, behind you." "You owe me big for this one." "(WATER SPLASHING) Oh!" "(ROMAN LAUGHING)" "Very funny, very funny." "Gimme a leech, will you?" "BEN:" "Ugh, sick, God." "Has everybody got their leech?" "ALL:" "Yeah." "Okay." "All right." "On the count of three, insert your hook." "Ready?" "One, two, three." "(ALL GROANING)" "Oh, God!" "(ALL SNORING)" "(THUNDER RUMBLING)" "(ALL SCREAMING)" "May I speak with Cammie, please?" "Oh, yeah, hold on just a minute." "Cammie, phone." "Okay." "Cammie's really busy waiting on cars right now." "May I take a message?" "All right." "Just please tell her that Buck called." "Okay, fine, Buck." "Goodbye." "Now what are you up to?" "What does it look like I'm up to?" "It looks like you're wanking your crank." "I'm trying to build a fire, all right?" "You might as well pour ice cubes in there." "You'll never get a fire going that way." "You don't crumple a newspaper up." "You twist it." "Twist it." "Lengthwise to simulate kindling." "That's the way you get it going." "Maybe, Roman, just maybe" "I'm trying to heat up the flue." "(MIMICKING CHET) Oh, he's heating the flue." "Meanwhile the human beings in the room are freezing to death." "I'm really not cold." "Not at all." "Oh, thank you for sharing that." "Thank you." "I'm so sorry, Roman." "Forgive me." "Why don't you come over here and show me how to do it?" "You talk a great game." "Come over." "Let's see a little action." "After all, you know everything." "You know exactly what to do at any given moment." "Katie, you were absolutely right." "We should have gone to Europe." "Or maybe even Haiti, or Antarctica." "Or the Dead Sea." "Would've had a lot more fun!" "Is that a fact?" "Well, nobody forced you to come up here, buddy boy." "As a matter of fact, I don't remember anybody inviting you up here." "Do you remember inviting him?" "I sure as hell don't." "And what exactly is that statement supposed to mean?" "You figure it out for yourself." "No, no, no, you specify, you clarify it for me." "All right?" "Just as a common courtesy, if you don't mind." "You know damn well what he means." "I think they're trying to say that we're not welcome." "Aha!" "What did I hear?" "We've got a bingo!" "You did figure it out, Kate." "So, now it's all starting to ooze out." "It's very interesting, isn't it, Katie?" "Yeah, very." "Especially since we threw aside our plans." "And we had a great European vacation planned." "Threw aside our plans to come up here, to show these dead asses how to start to learn to have a good time." "Thanks for ruining my vacation, Ripley." "What was that?" "Ruining your vacation?" "Is that what you said?" "Oh, come on." "I don't believe..." "I don't believe I heard you say that." "You'd better believe it!" "Don't push it, Roman!" "ROMAN:" "You ain't even seen pushing yet!" "You know the trouble with you, Ripley?" "You wouldn't know a good time if it fell out of the sky, landed on your face and started to wiggle." "(SIGHS)" "Oh, you have an awful lot of nerve, Roman." "A lot of nerve." "It's served me well." "I'm the one with the Mercedes." "Ooh!" "Ah!" "By the way, is it paid for?" "Are you jealous, Chester?" "Don't call me Chester!" "Call me that one more time, you're gonna go home with a dent in your forehead." "(LAUGHING) Yeah!" "That'll be the day." "Would you like one to match his?" "Hey, take your hands off her!" "You wanna go right now?" "Dad, Dad, Dad, no one's denting anybody." "Thanks, Bucky." "Oh, bite the big one, Uncle Roman!" "Hey, don't talk to adults that way!" "Why not?" "Because it's rude." "Oh, blow it out your ass." "Roman, why don't we just get out of here?" "Come on, honey." "Come on, girls, let's go." "Very good idea." "Well, it's the first good idea you've had since you've been here." "And by the way, don't steal any of our stuff." "(SNIGGERING) What stuff is there to steal?" "We've got stuff!" "You're a louse!" "Oh!" "Well, go find yourself a spin cycle." "Yeah, go find yourself a spin cycle." "What the hell is that supposed to mean?" "Never mind, honey." "All right, calm down, calm down." "Okay." "BEN:" "Dad?" "Yes, Ben?" "Does this mean we won't get a Christmas present from Uncle Roman?" "Oh, blow it out your ass, Ben!" "Okay, okay, okay." "Nobody's blowing anything out their ass." "Okay?" "What we're having here is a little problem." "And your father and I..." "It does not mean we don't love Uncle Roman and Aunt Kate." "It just means that we are having some emotions." "What it means..." "What it means is I would like to blow Uncle Roman out my ass!" "That's what it means." "I don't want to hear anymore about anyone blowing anything out their ass." "You might as well blow the whole family out your ass while you're at it, Dad." "Ben, do you understand what's going on here, son, huh?" "Do you understand what your mother and I are trying to say?" "Aunt Kate and Uncle Roman are incredible butt heads." "Right?" "(TOGETHER) Exactly." "(THUNDER RUMBLING)" "All right, troops, mount up." "We're ready to roll." "You all packed?" "Actually, I just took a moment to think things over." "And I'm gonna tell you something I had previously decided not to." "I came up here for a reason." "Chet, I came up here to talk to you about an investment." "In fact, I'll be quite honest." "I came up to solicit $25,000 from you." "I knew it." "I knew it." "I knew it." "Hey, look." "A unique investment opportunity came my way." "I'm sitting in the office trying to figure out a short list of the people I'm gonna bless with this opportunity, and I say bless, because this is so good and so sure, it should be illegal." "And it probably is." "Well, it's not." "It's inside, but it's not illegal." "Well, the upside is phenomenal, the downside is zip." "As I was sitting there thinking about people" "I might want to involve in this venture, well, your name came up." "Why?" "Because you are blood." "You're family." "If a guy can't help his family, what the hell good is he?" "The fact of the matter is, Chet," "I came up here to offer you a chance to make some really big money." "Well, it's funny you didn't mention this before." "You didn't want to talk about money!" "Oh, baloney!" "ROMAN:" "Hey, look, I was picking my moment." "CHET:" "You were picking your nose." "Now, there's no mystery here, Chet." "I know how you really feel about me." "Do you?" "Yep." "And I knew that if I was ever to give you something, that you'd figure there'd be strings attached." "Is that a fact?" "Yeah, that's a fact." "At our wedding, you were in the john with Kate and Connie's dad." "You were talking." "Do you happen to remember the substance of that conversation?" "No, I don't." "Yeah?" "Well, I do." "It's one I'll never forget." "Because I heard you say, and I quote," ""That Roman Craig is a crooked son of a bitch."" "The next time you stab somebody in the back, Chester, you better check under the stalls for feet." "You know, you may think I'm made out of armor and nails, man, but I'm just like any other human being." "And when I get cut, it hurts." "And that cut me." "And I hurt." "Roman, I'm..." "I'm sorry." "I..." "I had a lot to drink that night." "And I really don't remember saying that." "But if you said I did, then" "I must have." "(THUNDER RUMBLING)" "I apologize to you both." "It was a terrible thing to say." "Look, I don't hold grudges and I don't have any hard feelings." "To show you I'm the kind of guy that can forgive and forget, well, I'd still like to offer you a piece of that investment." "You're sweet." "I don't know what to say, Roman." "I..." "I..." "I feel like a real idiot." "What exactly is this thing again?" "That's $25,000." "What's your cash position?" "It isn't $25,000." "That's an awful lot of money." "Well, can you get it?" "No." "(STUTTERING) I think I can make an arrangement or two at the bank on Monday, if that's okay." "Hey, look, now, whatever you want to do." "You can write a check now for as much as you can cover." "I'll make up the difference, and we'll square it away on Monday." "If that's okay with..." "Is your checkbook in the purse?" "Yeah." "CHET:" "Great." "Okay." "Then that's fine." "(ENGINE STARTING)" "Bye." "Goodbye." "KATE:" "Well, I think it's a real testament to the strength of the family that we can disagree so vehemently, and get on each other's nerves so badly over the past week, and still part on good terms." "Absolutely." "After all the disagreements that you and Chet had, you still thought to include him in that investment." "And, you know, I thought it was a wonderful moment of trust on his part that he wrote you that check." "That's a lot of money for him." "From what I gathered from Connie, it's probably half a year's salary." "I wouldn't be surprised if that was Ben and Buck's college money." "You know, you have a knack with money, and I think it's great that you're sharing it with him, and I think it's great that he accepted your offer." "That he trusts you with his financial well-being." "Oh, I hope this investment really works out for them." "(TIRES SQUEALING)" "I gotta go back." "What, did you forget something?" "KATE:" "Honey, you're scaring me." "Are you all right?" "ROMAN:" "I'll be all right once I settle this." "(THUNDER RUMBLING)" "KATE:" "Roman, what are you doing?" "ROMAN:" "Katie, sit down." "What?" "Katie, you'll need to sit down to hear what I have to say." "Oh, gee, it's wet!" "Hurry up!" "Let's go." "Chet, I'm gonna level with you." "I'm a phony." "I'm a fraud." "I'm a fake." "From my $15 imitation Bally slip-ons to our replicated Rolexes." "(EXCLAIMS)" "We're broke, we're bankrupt, we're busted." "We're busted?" "We were living well, right?" "Well beyond our means." "I'm full of shit, Chet." "I haven't been trading in over two years." "(SIGHS)" "This deal came up." "It looked good." "I got overextended, couldn't meet my calls." "I lost my seat on the exchange." "I go to work every morning." "But now I wear a blue runner's jacket and fetch coffee." "I lost everything." "Why didn't you tell me?" "Did you think that I wouldn't understand?" "Baby, I knew you'd understand." "I also knew you wouldn't let me come up here and put the bite on Connie and Chet." "It was my only last hope." "Now, look, Roman." "Now, you know I never turn my back on family." "I know." "That's why I came up here." "And by the way, that story about you and your brother in the can at the wedding?" "I made it up." "You what?" "You made it up?" "All right, all right." "I got it, I got it." "Oh!" "Oh, jeez!" "Whoo!" "KATE:" "Oh." "Oh, what happened?" "Power's out!" "Where's the flashlight?" "CONNIE:" "Chet?" "What happened to the lights, Dad?" "You kids been fooling around with the flashlight?" "(SCOFFING) Look at this." "$110 for a lighter." "It doesn't even work." "Seventy-nine cents." "(CHUCKLES)" "Whoa!" "Hot!" "Ow!" "Boy, I haven't seen weather like this for years." "(THUNDER CLAPPING)" "(SIGHS)" "Roman, where are the girls?" "Have you seen them?" "Have you seen them?" "No." "All right, spread out." "Let's look for them." "Let's all just..." "They're hiding under a bed or something." "Come on, it's this way." "No, it's this way." "I remember." "Look for a big hole." "We'll find them, Katie." "We'll find them." "They're gonna be all right." "They'll be okay." "Don't worry about a thing." "I want you boys to stay here and look after your mother and your aunt." "All right?" "We'll help you." "Don't give me any lip, okay?" "There's too much lightning going on out there." "Here's the fence." "Here's the fence." "Hey, wait for me!" "Cara!" "Mara!" "Try this way." "Okay." "(CHATTERING)" "Oh, there we go." "There we go." "There we go." "Great." "(SIGHING)" "I can't see anything." "Oh, neat!" "No, I found it." "I wanna go first." "No, I wanna!" "I wanna!" "Hello?" "(ECHOING) Hello?" "(BOTH SCREAMING)" "Cara!" "Mara!" "Girls!" "(CRICKETS CHIRPING)" "Cara!" "Mara!" "Girls!" "Cara!" "Mara!" "Cara!" "Mara!" "Help!" "Help!" "Put your light up there." "There!" "Girls!" "Girls, is that you?" "Girls!" "It's your Uncle Chet." "Are you all right?" "BOTH:" "Help!" "We'll be right down." "Go on." "Not me." "What?" "I'm claustrophobic." "I get in a closed-up space and I lock up." "What if I lose it?" "You won't lose it." "What if I blow it?" "What are we gonna do?" "We gotta get some help." "CHET:" "We don't have time." "You can do it." "Roman, they're your children." "Be their father, for God sakes." "For the first time in your life, be their father!" "Now, come on." "Get in there and help your kids." "Girls, your dad will be right down." "Daddy's coming." "Let's go." "Let's go." "You can do it." "You can do it." "All right." "Okay, come on." "There you go." "I'm gonna go get a light and some rope." "Okay?" "Are you all right?" "Yeah." "Take it easy." "Don't think about anything like tight places." "Like a submarine or a coffin or anything." "Come back." "I'll be back." "You come back!" "(SCREAMING)" "(GROANING)" "(SCREAMING)" "(EXCLAIMS)" "Oh, my little sweeties!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "I love you." "I love you." "Chet!" "Chet, they're all right!" "ROMAN: "Apollo unicel..."" "It's dynamite!" "It's wet, old dynamite." "It's fine." "It's fine." "Chet!" "Chet!" "(PANTING)" "Ripley!" "Okay." "All right, we wanna get outta here." "It's cold, it's wet, and you don't want to stay here anymore, do you?" "Okay, you hang onto Daddy as tight as you can, all right?" "Okay?" "Damn!" "Come on." "Oh, oh, oh." "(GROANING)" "Big one." "Big spider." "Big spider." "Okay, climb on, Cara." "Mara, get on your sister's back." "Okay, grab hold of my jacket." "Okay, hang on, okay?" "Hang on tight." "My babies." "(PANTING)" "Which way?" "(PANTING)" "Hang on." "We're almost there." "Almost there." "Oh, jeez, damn!" "Come on." "Go, Cara, go!" "Let's just go back to the cabin." "Your mother's probably worried sick about you." "(PANTING)" "Here we go!" "Okay." "Hang on." "Hang on." "Roman!" "Girls!" "I'm back." "I got everything." "I'm here." "I'll have you out in a second." "Just a minute." "Hold on." "I'm sorry it took so long." "I'll explain it all later." "Just a sec." "Get off me!" "I've got a rope." "You'll be fine." "I'm gonna tie a loop at the end of this thing, all right?" "Then I'm gonna throw it down." "Then one at a time I'll pull you up, okay?" "Here comes the rope." "Watch your heads." "Here it comes!" "All right." "Have you got it?" "Okay." "Okay, you got it?" "Good." "Good." "Okay." "All right, now you let me know when you're ready to come up, when you put it on, okay?" "Then I'll pull you up." "All right." "Fine." "You're ready." "Okay." "All right, just a second." "Okay, girls, Uncle Chet's here." "Okay." "Roman, you could help on this, you know." "(GROWLING)" "All right." "One, two, three, go!" "(GROWLING)" "Whoa!" "Hey!" "What the hell are you doing?" "When I say "ready," huh?" "When I say "ready."" "All right." "On "ready."" "Here we go." "Come on." "Help out a bit, will you?" "(GROWLING)" "Here it comes." "We'll be going home soon." "Roman and I are gonna have a talk a little later on, girls." "We're gonna talk about helping people." "Okay, here we go now." "Everybody help Uncle Chet." "Come on!" "Yeah!" "(GROANS)" "(EXCLAIMS)" "We did it!" "I did it!" "(SIGHING)" "A bald-headed bear!" "Whoa!" "(ROARING)" "(SIGHING)" "(BEAR GROWLING)" "(SCREAMING)" "(GROANING)" "(GROWLING)" "Whoa!" "Big bear!" "Oh, my God!" "I'm gonna die." "I'm gonna die." "I'm gonna die." "No, no, go away." "Leave me alone!" "Go away!" "(SCREAMING)" "Help!" "Help!" "Help!" "(SHUDDERING)" "Hey, he's back, everybody!" "(PANTING)" "Chet!" "Hi!" "Where the hell were you?" "Come on in." "I'm making you a sandwich." "Big!" "Big!" "Whoo, big!" "Big?" "All right, I'll make a big one." "Big bear!" "Big bear!" "No!" "True!" "True!" "Out there." "We're glad you're home, honey." "Big bear chase..." "Big bear chase..." "What is he saying?" "What?" "Big bear chase me!" "Whoo!" "(GROWLING)" "(CHILDREN SCREAMING)" "Upstairs!" "There's a bear!" "(KATE SHRIEKING)" "(GROANING)" "Oh, get off me." "Get off, you son of a bitch." "Roman." "Roman." "(CHET GROANING)" "Uncle!" "Uncle!" "Uncle!" "(GROANING)" "My God!" "Protect us!" "(GROWLING)" "Mom." "Oh, honey!" "Connie, stay down!" "Stay down!" "(ROARING)" "Hit him with the poker!" "Hit him!" "(SCREAMS)" "Look out, Roman!" "(KATE SCREAMING)" "(GASPING) Big bear." "Big bear chase me." "(KATE SCREAMING)" "Chase me!" "(SCREAMING)" "(GROWLING)" "(GRUNTING)" "(KATE SCREAMING)" "Oh, thank God you're here." "Yeah, I'm here." "Thank God you're here." "Shoot him!" "Shoot him!" "That's a goddamn lamp!" "But it's loaded." "I can't hold on much longer!" "(KATE SCREAMING)" "ROMAN:" "Shoot him!" "(BEAR GROANING)" "Oh, right in the... (GROANING)" "(GROANING CONTINUES)" "(GROANING CONTINUES)" "(BEAR GROANING)" "Okay, let's roll!" "All right." "I can't believe that I'm actually gonna miss this place." "Uncle Chet?" "Yes, sweetheart?" "I had a really good time." "Oh, well, I'm glad." "Thanks, Uncle Chet." "My pleasure, sweetheart." "I hope you had a great time." "'Cause we had a nice time having you, and we're gonna miss you." "Will I see you soon?" "And don't drive too fast." "All right." "Take your seats, in the trunk." "KATE: (LAUGHING) Roman, knock it off." "Cammie, if you're out there," "I just want you to know I don't blame you for hating me." "CAMMIE:" "Do city boys always talk to themselves?" "Look, I'm really sorry." "I want you to go back to Chicago a crazed, lovesick maniac who won't be able to look at another girl without comparing her to me." "Sounds good to me." "You're a good man." "You're the best." "You're not so bad yourself." "You drive safely." "Thanks." "Race you home." "You got it." ""Race you home."" "Take care!" "(ENGINE STARTING) Bye, bye." ""Race you home."" "Why would he say "race me home"?" "I mean, he lives way the hell out in Oak Park." "It's just till he gets on his feet, honey." "I think you should be proud of him not wanting to take your loan." "What are you saying?" "Huh?" "What are you saying?" "We have plenty of room." "Connie." "If he beats us..." "He is not staying at our house." "Honey, if he beats us, he'll get the good spot in the garage!" "Dad, to the memories." "To the memories." "Chester!" "Buckley!" "Get the hell in the car." "We gotta beat Uncle Roman home." "Move it!" "Move it!" "Move it, everybody!" "Let's go!" "One, two, three" "Ow!" "Uh!" "All right, uh!" "You got to know how to pony" "Like Bony Maronie" "Mashed Potato" "Do the Alligator" "Put your hands on your hips, yeah" "Let your backbone slip" "Do the Watusi" "Like my little Lucy" "Ow!" "Uh!" "Naa-na-na-na-na" "Na-na-na-na, na-na-na, na-na-na na-na-na-naa" "I need somebody to help me say it one time" "Naa-na-na-na-na" "Naa-na-na-na, na-na-na-na na-na-na" "Na-na-na-na" "Whoa!" "Ow!" "Uh!" "You know I feel all right, huh!" "Feel pretty good, y'all, uh!" "Naa-na-na-na-na" "Na-na-na-na, na-na-na-na na-na-na" "Na-na-na-naa" "Come on, y'all, let's say it one more time" "Naa-na-na-na-na, na-na-na-na Na-na-na, na-na-na" "Na-na-na-naa" "You got to know how to pony" "Like Bony Maronie" "Mashed potato" "Do the Alligator" "Put your hands on your hips, yeah" "Let your backbone slip" "Do the Watusi" "Like my little Lucy" "Ow!" "Uh!" "Naa-na-na-na-na" "Naa-na-na-na, na-na-na, na-na-na Na-na-na-naa" "I need somebody to help me say it one time" "Naa-na-na-na-na, na-na-na-na" "Na-na-na-na, na-na-na Na-na-na-naa" "Whoa!" "Ow!" "Uh!" "You know I feel all right, huh!" "Feel pretty good, y'all, uh!" "Naa-na-na-na-na" "Naa-na-na-na, na-na-na na-na-na" "Na-na-na-naa" "Come on, y'all, let's say it one more time" "Naa-na-na-na-na" "Na-na-na-na, na-na-na na-na-na" "Na-na-na-naa" "Whoa!" "Went into the alley" "With Long Tall Sally" "Twistin' with Lucy" "Doin' the Watusi" "Roll over on your back" "I like it like that" "Do that Jerk, oh" "Now watch me work, y'all" "Ow!" "Do it" "Ow!" "Do it" "Do it" "(SQUEAKING)"