"Previously on Weeds." "I fucked a black man." "Conrad." "You're the Conrad who fucked my wife." " You get one free shot." " You have to let me take a rain check." " Talk to Shane about jerking off." " I'm all over it." "Let's start with the basics, bananas." "Slip the peel over your Randy Johnson, start pitching." "I brought your bean pies, Heylia." "Joseph." "Aren't you lovely?" "I am running for city council." "Please work on my campaign." "If we only have a few months together, I want to make them count, starting now." "Dean, you need to find a grow house." "Call Mr. Avakian and tell him we'll take the house." "Did I mention I slept with a DEA agent last night?" " I'm out." " He doesn't know." "I know you're a drug dealer." "You could be trying to set me up." "I'm not." "You excite me." "Howdy, people." "You all are gathered here today to join these two hound dogs in holy matrimony!" "You know, it's a shame that the one house in the neighborhood that attempted originality chose this." "If I'm elected, people like this are gonna have to pay a fine." "I'll call it "This is Not Fine" fine and I'll keep collecting it until they can't pay their mortgage and the bank repossesses their house." "With that in mind, I'll go tell the neighbors how enlightened you are." " Hi." " Hello." "I'm Celia Hodes." "I love your statuary." "Oh, thank you." "I just ordered the gazelle." "Wow!" "Oh, no, thank you." "Oh, no, I'm not selling anything." "This is my campaign literature." "I'm running for city council, and I would love your support." " I'm voting for Doug Wilson." " Really?" "Why?" "I like his campaign slogan, "Change just brings problems."" "Fucking immigrants." "How did it go?" "I think they are Doug loyalists." "Why is everybody so stupid?" "Oh, look on the bright side." "Like the rest of America, most of them won't vote." "Mom." "This lady wants to talk to you." "Excuse me." "Duty calls." "Hi." "Celia?" "Lane Cassidy." "Hi, Lane." "Celia Hodes, running for city council." "Did you have some questions about my campaign?" "No, it's your daughter." "She's absolutely perfect." " For what?" " Modeling." "Okay, well, that's just cruel." "Come on, Isabelle." "Step away from the crazy person." "No, wait, wait, wait." "I'm a Huskeroo rep." " A what?" " Huskeroos." "It's a clothing line for larger children and we are casting for models." "That sounds awesome." "Yeah, well, keep your sweatpants on, okay?" "My daughter is not modeling fat clothes." "They're just roomier." "Well, if you change your mind, call me." "This is so not gonna happen." "Why won't you ever let me do anything I wanna do?" " Hello?" " Hello." " You busy tonight?" " It's kind of short notice." "Think you can just call a girl up at the last minute and ask her out?" "Now that we're married, you're using the rules on me?" "Well, truth is, I'm gonna be exhausted." "I'll be no fun." " What about tomorrow night?" " Movie night with Shane." "Sunday?" "Can't." "I'm going undercover for a week, so I won't be able to see you." "Unless you're walking down Pacific Beach and you want to get your tongue pierced." "Mom, I want to be a model." "Get an eating disorder and we'll talk then." "I gotta go." "Fine." "Choose your kid over me." "Every time." "But you're ahead of my brother-in-law." "When I get back, you're gonna date me, woman." "Yes, sir." "Mom, I need to get back to school 'cause lunch break's almost over." " Can you please give me a ride?" " Run back." "Then maybe strangers won't ask you to model plus-size fashion." " So, who was that?" " Nobody." " A guy?" " Celia." "If you aren't dating already, it's about time you started." "If you think I'm ready, then I guess I am." "Hey, what about going out with Mr. Lotterstein?" "He's fat." "Very gay." " What about Mr. Kunstler?" " Cockeyed." " Harry Lippman?" " He's in his 60s." "Yeah, but he has a Segway." "Besides, it's pretty slim pickings for us at our age." "How are things with Dean?" "Oh, let's see." "He's a fucking loser with the body shape of a Cadbury Egg, only with hair all over it." "But on the plus side, he's tidy and has a decent job." "Sorry, Mr. Hodes." "You can't take the chair." "This is my chair." "I bought it from Relax the Back with my own money!" "I can't believe this!" "Well, we're gonna need your parking pass, sir." " Thank you." " Fucking fuckers fucks!" "Mr. Hodes, that's not appropriate." "Cheap-ass corporate cock-sucking cocks!" "Sir, please." "I kind of like you." "I'm filing a wrongful termination suit, you dirty, lying, stingy-ass cunt pricks with your bullshit expense accounts!" "Fuck all of you!" "Fuck all of you!" " Sir!" " You, too!" "You, too!" "I know how you break into everyone's office at night and rub your disgusting..." "Dude, that's bullshit about Kara and Eric." " No way did he bone her." " Says he got a hand job." "So?" "Big deal, Kendra gives them to me all the time." "Dude, that slut gives them to everybody." "Not to Strange Botwin, she doesn't." "I bet he's never had one." "He can't even find somebody to have lunch with." ""Lacy Laplante."" "My boy said that it means "the plant." Seemed appropriate." "Yeah." "Why not just call me "Mary Jane Dealer"?" "Look, if anything, they'll think you're a stripper." " You sure this is gonna work?" " Just be cool." "Next?" "I set up an account over the phone today, and I'm here to pay the deposit in cash." "Driver's license and social, please?" " What are these?" " I'm from Canada." "Eh?" "I'm not sure if we can accept these, lady." "Look, I just moved down here and I don't have a license or social yet, but I really, really need electricity by tomorrow..." "What, you can't miss Oprah for one day?" "My husband's on a ventilator and his MedEvac lands in the morning." "Oh, all right." "I'll see what I can do." "Sorry about your husband." "Hockey." "A forward from Moose Jaw checked him so hard, his sternum broke and he punctured a lung." "That's when they found the cancer." "We moved here to be close to a specialist." "Sorry about the Oprah crack." "Just give me power and we'll call it even." "Yes, Mrs. Laplante." "No problem." "You do it?" "Lacy is a fucking badass!" "Hey, look what I found in the closet." "A hookah!" "Oh, cool, man." "Let's fire up." "Oh, a hookah." "Mr. Avakian, the guy that owns this house, would always ask me over to share a hooker with him." "I thought he was just some creepy Armenian perv." "Now I realize he's just a party brother." "How cool would it be if there was a genie in this hookah?" " Not for him." "He'd be on fire." " Yeah." "What if he popped out first, though, and granted you a wish?" "What would it be?" "Okay." "All right." "There's this authentic Chinese restaurant I went to in San Francisco once." "Had the greatest General Tso chicken ever." "I'd wish to fuck the hostess." " You?" " $180 billion." "Oh." "Cash over ass, huh?" "Cash equals ass." "What was I thinking, taking ass over cash?" "Guess I'm even hornier than I thought." "Things with wifey slowing down, huh?" "Oh, it used to be wild." "I mean, intense." "But, how do you ask the woman that makes your kids' lunches to suck your balls and spread her ass open like a geometry compass?" "How, Andy, how?" "I don't like this game anymore." "We are good to grow." "You're high already." "It's not even 4:20." "If you want me to do manual labor, don't expect me to be lucid." "Hey, what's the point of cleaning anyway?" "We're just gonna be planting." "The grow area has to be completely sterilized." "There can't be any germs or bacterias in here." "How do we get rid of those boxes?" "Oh, you must mean the boxes I spent all yesterday afternoon setting up." "We don't." "That's our false front." " Who the fuck is that?" " DSL installation." "That's me." "Planning ahead." "What the hell part of "discretion" do you not understand?" ""Cretion." I know the "dis" part." "What the hell's "cretion"?" " Whose name did you sign up with?" " Nancy Botwin." "Oh, shit." "I am Lacy Laplante, you idiot!" "I thought it would be nice if we had internet." "Bring a Penthouse." "Hey, you know, we changed our minds." "We think the internet's just a fad." "Could you please rip up..." "As a matter of fact, you know..." "I'll save you the trouble." "You know what?" "As much as I'd like to indulge, we have a lot of work to do." "All the equipment's being delivered tomorrow, and Victor is coming over to set it up." "So much for being discreet." "Yeah, you're sure we trust this guy, right?" "Yo, 98% of Victor's business is setting up grow houses." "He rats out one person, he fucks his entire livelihood." "You know what?" "I would like to set this up ourselves, but in case you hadn't noticed, there are times when our little posse seems like the fucking "Bad News Drug Dealers."" "And the equipment that I got is pretty sophisticated." "Just how sophisticated are we talking about?" "I'm talking about top-of-the-line." "None of this cheap, passive, Wick System bullshit." "Is this your way of telling me you've gone over budget?" "Baby, let's not get hung up on costs, all right?" "My projections say we're gonna be generating a million-plus a year in revenue." "What numbers?" "Twenty metal Halide Hortilux bulbs at two thou a pop." "We looking at multiple 100-gallon reservoirs." " Pumps, 10 wall fans." " What?" "10% over?" "Baby, baby, this is my vision, all right?" "And when I do something, I do it right." "Nothing half-assed." "I mean, we got the cash, right?" "What if we don't?" " Do you have the cash?" " No." "Lacy Laplante might." "Why do you be playing with me like this?" "So, who's that?" "DIRECTV?" "Probably." "Jesus Christ!" "Oh, it's just Dean." " You okay?" " Guess we square now." "Hey, how come Dean doesn't have to clean?" "What's the matter?" "Everyone in my grade has already gotten a hand job." "Congrats, little stud." "How was it?" "No." "Everyone but me." "Now they're making fun of me." "Fuck them." "When you win the Pulitzer prize, you know how much pussy you're gonna get?" "I can't wait that long." "What am I gonna do?" "Well, that's easy enough, young man." " Huh?" " Don't ever say I'm not a good uncle." "Mimosa, my darling?" "Isn't it a little early to be drinking, even for you, Celia?" " Big day today?" " Oh, yeah, yeah." "I had to take depositions." "Huge case." "Yeah, our client wants to sue the city." "He..." "Dean, it's Jack." "Sorry about what happened today, buddy." "If you need a recommendation, let me know." "They would take the case themselves, but..." "They're more interested that, you know, it goes to someone like..." "Hi, Mr. Hodes." "It's Carla." "I spoke to Blue Cross, and you're eligible for this thing called COBRA Continuation Coverage." "And I'm not supposed to be talking to you from here anymore, so call my cell phone." "Bye." "I was the one who recommended that they downsize." "I dedicated my life to that firm." "How could you do this to me?" "Oh, he ain't even called yet." "Oh, love has found Heylia James." "Girl, you better stop." "Just 'cause you ain't got nobody in your business, don't mean you can be all up in mine." "Did he say he was gonna call?" "I said, "Call me," and he said, "I don't have your number."" "So I said, "I'm listed," my home phone, anyway." "Haven't left the house in two days." " How fucking pathetic is that?" " It's cute." "If he weren't hoping for the global destruction of the white race," "I might really be rooting for you two." "He don't mean that shit." "Well, maybe, he do." "Oh, I just like him." "Sometimes you fall for the wrong people." "Something about the way they smell or smile or carry little packs of tissues in their pockets." "Maybe you do got somebody in your business." "Yeah, he's in his 60s and he rides a Segway, but there's something about him." "What the fuck's a Segway?" "Oh, it's a thing with two wheels rich white people ride." "Well, ain't the lucky star shining on your lady parts." "Even if I break my stallion," "I ain't getting boo for Allah knows how long." "Still, gives you a reason to get dressed in the morning." "What if she doesn't like me?" "Eighty dollars and a generous tip says she will." "Now keep your mouth shut." "Consider this an early birthday present." " Are you getting one, too?" " I got a date in a few hours." "Of course I'm getting one." "No way to stay cool if you're backed up." "Nice wedding band." "Who next?" "Hi." "My little buddy over here is a first-timer." "I mean, he's done the self-serve, but he's looking for a full." "Do you have any student discounts?" "You go away!" "Inappropriate." "Inappropriate behavior." " Is this a negotiating ploy?" " You don't bring a little boy in here." "What?" "His money's not green?" "Come on." "He's been saving his allowance for weeks." "You, I do." "Little boy, no." "Where's Rhea?" " Rhea?" " What?" "It's Andrew." "It's so nice to see you." "It's been a while." "You have a date tonight?" "Would you tell Miss Saigon, we're here for business?" "He want a happy finish for little boy." "Inappropriate." "He is 18 with a glandular problem, right?" " Of course." " He little boy." "If she won't do it, what can I do?" " Arthritis." " Well, there's..." "And gingivitis." "Sorry, little buddy." "Oh, no, don't cry." "Don't cry." "Don't..." "Hey." "Okay." "Come on." "Nice move with the tears, kid." "I'm going to Megan's." "Of course." "Lupita, I'm sorry I took all your supplies." "You did?" "I mean, you should ask." "I get nothing done." "What did you clean?" "A homeless shelter." "Made me feel good." "You know, you can clean the whole house." "Make you feel great." "I wouldn't want to take that away from you." "Andrew." "Where were you?" "You were supposed to help me clean at the homeless shelter." "Oh, yeah, the homeless shelter." "Well, I've been doing my own good work." "I need to take a nap." "Shane, what about movie night?" " I'm tired, mom." " Sweet dreams!" "I've been stood up." "Well, I got to get ready for a date, so catch you later, Miss Lonelyhearts." " Hello?" " Yeah, it's me." "Hey, you still want to go out tonight?" "Maybe I'm not available on such short notice." " Are you?" " I could go for a steak." "Food's boring." "Let's do something exciting." " Are you sure you've never done this?" " You're a good teacher." "18 years on the job." " You ever killed anybody?" " 18 years on the job." "What's to stop you or me or them from just blowing somebody away?" "Death row." "Okay." " Your turn." " It's okay." " One more?" " You have amazing shoulders." "No, they're tarnished." "Look, bullet wound from the Army." " You saw battle?" " Israeli men are very macho." "Everything is all fine when you bring another woman into bed, but you bring another man and they go crazy." "So he shot you?" "To be honest, if he hadn't, I would have thought he was a faggot." "And the sex was great that night." "The pain and the pleasure." "Very exciting." "I'chaim." " Hello?" " Heylia?" "This is Joseph." "Joseph?" "Joseph." "So, how are you?" "Well, I'm feeling somewhat conflicted, Heylia." "As a follower of Islam, one of the evils we must be watchful for is the enticing beauty of women." "Yet, I'd very much like to see you." "That's a compliment, right?" "Are you available for marriage?" "Excuse me?" "Did you just propose?" "Oh, damn, you don't waste no time, Farrakhan." "Oh, no, no." "I'm sorry if you misunderstood." "I was just inquiring if you were available for marriage down the line." "Right now, I wish us to get better acquainted." "I just love the way you talk." "You want to date me, right?" " Look, I've been waiting here for two hours." " Excuse me just a minute, Heylia." "I understand your frustration, ma'am." "We will find your bags." "I'm doing my best." "Devil bitch." "Heylia, I'm afraid anything beyond phone calls would be unwise at this juncture." "The temptation would be too great." "How long it gonna take until you get unwise, 'cause, well, no disrespect to Muhammad, but I think you're damn fine, and I want to see you face-to-face." "I'll see you in 40 minutes." "The white zone is for immediate loading and unloading..." " What are you doing?" " Oh, I thought we were hitting it off." " Yeah, we are." " Good." "Oh, I'm sorry." "It's too soon since your lover died." "No, I've been with many men." " Helps to get over things." " Good." "Am I getting mixed messages here or..." "Look, you're adorable." "But I'm not attracted to you." "Sorry." " Are you a chubby chaser or something?" " No, you just..." "I like a man, someone big and strong, someone who can grow a beard." "You're pretty, and I could flip you like a pancake." "You'd ask permission instead of just slamming me up against a wall and fucking me until I come like a volcano." "But we can still be friends, right?" "I want to try the Glock next, or maybe the Magnum." "Easy there, cowgirl." "Maybe next time." "We're done?" "I've got a long drive to Pacific Beach and it takes me hours to sterilize my piercing needles." "Sorry." "Do you like going undercover?" "With you, I do." "Oh, come on." "It's exciting, isn't it?" "Until you get shot in the ass by a meth freak with a nail gun." "Yeah, it's exciting." "Bye." "Can I try the shiny one with the pretty, pearly grip?" "Sorry, we're closing in 10 minutes." "You don't have to go home, but you can't shoot here." "Oh, here's your license, Miss Laplante." "It's Lacy." "My mother is Mrs. Laplante." "What are you doing back here?" "How often do you get to see a grow house being built?" "Hold, baby." "Close your eyes." "Close your eyes." " Shut up." " I'm serious." "Come on." "Close your eyes." "Step in." "Now, I want you to picture a bright, bright room filled with beautiful, green plants." "Look at the leaves." "Look closer now." "What's on those leaves?" "What is growing on those leaves?" "Why, it's money." "We're growing money." "Well, if bullshit makes the grass grow, then maybe you're right." "Oh, but this ain't bullshit." "This is hydro." "Damn!" "They're fast." " I think they're meth addicts." " They're not using any nail guns, are they?" "I'm sorry, it's taking so long." " I'm Victor." " Hi, I'm Lacy." "I like your eyeballs." "Thank you, Victor." "They're real, you know." "Who the hell is that?" "Can I help you?" "This is for you." " What is it?" " Baklava." "What for?" "You are new to the neighborhood." "This is to say goodbye." "Oh." "You don't like blacks, huh?" "I have no problem with the negroes." "I like your music and your fried foods." "What's your problem?" "I see several trucks pull up to your house today, and I'm thinking, "What will come out?" ""Perhaps a ping-pong table," ""maybe a La-Z-Boy or a flat-screen TV."" "But, no." "It was all boxes." "And I know these boxes." "These are Victor's boxes." "I know what you are doing, so get out." "Or next time I knock on your door, I won't be holding pastries and neither will my brothers and my cousins." "Tell Victor, Kesheshian says, "Hi."" "And the round ones are walnut." "Delicious." "Victor." "Kesheshian says, "Hi."" "Oh, shit." "Guys, hold the work." "What's going on?" " Aram Kesheshian." " Well, who's that?" "North Side Armenian Power." "The competition." "I set up his grow houses." "Motherfucker is serious about his business." "We got to move." "But, this is America." "We can all do business." "We'll send him cookies." "Scare the shit out of him." "Did you hear the man?" "We have problems." "There's always problems." "There's always solutions." " Keep going, fellas." " Are you sure?" "I'm sure." "Fine." "Lacy, can I talk to Nancy for a second, please?" "She's got to go home." "You can talk to her tomorrow." "Finish." "What's going on?" "Megan's pregnant." "And we're keeping it." "Hi, Nancy."