"MR KHAN:" "Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham, the capital of British Pakistan." "They all know me." "Do you like my suit?" "Number one." "Citizen Khan." "Mum..." " What do you think?" "I'm so excited about today." "Are you ready?" "I just need to get my bag." "Is Dad coming?" "He's in there." "What's he doing?" "There's a civic reception for Prince Charles at the town hall tonight." "Everyone who's anyone in Birmingham has had an invitation." "So..." "Your dad's still waiting for his." "Heard anything yet?" "Any minute now." "I'm on hold to the press office." "How long have you been on hold?" "15 hours." "15 hours?" "!" "Haven't they answered yet?" "Yes, of course they have." "They know me really well." "Every time I call, this woman answers and says, ' "Oh, it's you again, '"" "and puts me back on hold." "Well, can I have my phone back now, please?" "No!" "That's for incoming." "You don't want to meet Prince Charles, Dad." "I mean, what would you talk about?" "Shazia, me and Prince Charles got a lot in common." "We always wear the same suit." "Both got two children - one good, one not so good." "And we're both big supporters of the Green issues." "How do you support green issues(?" ")" "Huh?" "Pakistan, isn't it!" "You know, when we're best mates," "Charlie boy might come round for tea and pakoras." "Oh, yes, it'll be like a lads' night in!" "And then Camilla will call and say... (HIGH PITCHED) '"Hello, Charlie darling." "'"Are you coming home?" "' "Because your tea's getting cold.'"" "(MIMICS PRINCE CHARLES) '"No, I'm sorry, Camilla." "' "I'm hanging with my BFF, Mr Khan.'"" "Dad, I don't think we're the kind of people that get invited to meet royalty." "Rubbish." "Dr Prakash got an invitation, and he's an Indian!" "He's a doctor." "And I'm a community leader!" "Just as important and as useful as doctor." "I think a doctor might be a bit more useful if you're ill." "Not an Indian doctor, sweetie." "Every time I go to see an Indian doctor," "I come home feeling much worse." "You should be glad to have a chance to support your mother's career!" "Farms are boring!" "Just for a couple of hours." "What about college?" "It's actually illegal not to go to college, you know?" "Bit late to be worrying about that." "All you have to do is come to our stall at the city farm and look interested." "Shazia!" "Do you want a lift into town?" "It's your fiancé..." "Amjad." "We'll come and support you, Mum." "Won't we, budhoo?" "Yes." "To do what?" "Mum's got a stall at the city farm." "I persuaded Brian it would be a great way of promoting our organic milk." "It's the fair and fresh range." "We're sponsoring Daisy the cow." "Oh, right." "To do what?" "She's doing a 24-hour skipathon." "Wow!" "They just help to pay for her upkeep." "Cows can't skip, budhoo." "You say that, but I've seen a squirrel that can water-ski." "I shall get my own tea, shall I?" "So, are you going to come and support me, then?" "No, sweetie, I'm busy!" "If it all goes well, who knows?" "Brian said I could be up for a promotion!" "Stupid Brian." "It's for a good cause, Dad." "Organic is how food is meant to be." "It's natural." "There's nothing natural about charging £4 for an apple, Shazia." "Free." "That's how food is naturally." "If they wanted it to be really natural, they'd give it away for nothing." "(PHONE RINGS)" "Ah!" "This is it!" "This is it!" "My invitation to the Prince Charles civic reception." "Oh!" "Oh..." "Hello, Mr Khan, community leader speaking!" "This is an urgent message about your payment protection insurance..." "In the last ten years..." " It's for you!" "(HE SIGHS)" "There." "Mmm." "(SMACKS LIPS)" "Mr Khan!" "Salaam alaikum, Mr Khan." "Walaikum assalam, Riaz!" "Salaam alaikum, Mr Khan." "(RESIGNED) Hello, Dave." "We're going to the city farm." "Are you coming?" "Oh, God, not you as well?" "!" "What are you going there for?" "Well, we have to support the local community, Mr Khan." "And I think it's important that we stay in touch with our farming heritage." "I'm sorry, but you're not getting me along to some poncey-shmoncey love-in for tree-huggers and bean-ticklers." "I'm not sure that's the right expression..." "Listen, Dave, the likes of me get invited to civic receptions." "The likes of you hang about at glorified petting zoos." "There's going to be a surprise visit from a VIP." "You might even get to meet him." " Who is it?" "I'm not really allowed to say." "Let me guess, some washed-up, X Factor winner?" "No, thank you." "He's really into the use of organic fertiliser." "So is next door's cat." "He's from a large and important family." "Lives in a big house?" "Not Mr Javed!" "No." "It's... (MIMICS PRINCE CHARLES'S MUMBLE)" "Oh, God!" "Not Gary flippin' Lineker?" "!" "I tell you, that man would turn up to the opening of a crisp packet." "So, you're not coming?" "No!" "Bye-bye." "God." "Honestly." "Oh-ho, Charlie!" "Allahu Akbar!" "Thank you, God!" "Ha-ha-ha!" "Right, let's get this show on the road!" "Yes, Brian." "Remember, we want as much publicity out of this as possible." "OK, so, I'll hand out the free samples and then I'll give out the leaflets." "And then I'll tell everyone about the cows we're sponsoring, and then I..." "Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey." "Come on, now." "Remember, there's no I in team." "This is a joint effort." "Of course, Brian." "Off you go, then." "MR KHAN:" "Dave!" "Dave!" "Over here!" "Poop!" "Poop!" "Mr Khan?" " Hello, Dave." "What are you doing here?" "I'm here to support our local community, Dave." "You know me, I'm all for staying in touch with our farming heritage." "Salaam alaikum." "So, you're here to support the city farm organic initiative?" "That's right." " Really?" "Of course not!" "I'm here to meet Prince Charles." "Why are you wearing a dress?" "This is what all royal family wear when they visit the countryside, eh?" "Prince Charles, Wills, Harry, Duke of Edinburg - they all wear Scottish man dress." "I don't want Prince Charles to feel like he sticks out." "Apart from his ears, obviously, but he can't do anything about them, eh?" "Look, ladhoo." "Look at these." "(DUCKLINGS SQUEAKING)" "Aw, they're so sweet!" "Amjad's getting broody." "He wants to start trying for a baby as soon as we're married." "Too much information!" "Look, there's a baby, and there's another one, and there's a baby too!" "They're all babies!" "(SPLAT)" "We've got a rare-breed breeding programme going on here." "It's a really exciting project, actually." "Are you interested in livestock at all?" "I am." "In fact, we've got a Dairy Shorthorn cow ready to calve at any time now." "If you stick around, you might even see it happen!" "Random!" "Did you hear that, budhoo?" "We might see a calf being born." "I would love that." " How about you?" "Will you be there?" " Of course." "I'd love it too." "In the meantime, perhaps we could try and drum up some more business?" "Good idea, Brian!" "If it all goes well today, Mrs Khan," "I might promote you to frozen foods." "(SHE GASPS)" "Thanks, Brian!" "Right, where is he?" "Let the Pakistani dog see the royal rabbit, eh?" "He's running a bit late." "Oh, maybe he had to stop for a royal wee, huh?" "I just need to find out who's in charge around here." "(WOMAN LAUGHS LIKE A HORSE)" "That's her." "How do you know that?" "We leaders have natural authority, Riaz." "I can see it a mile away." "Plus, she's got that stupid, horsey laugh, that all posh peoples do." "Haw-haw, haw-haw!" "So!" "Prince Charles civic reception, here I come." "Shouldn't you go and say hello to Mrs Khan?" "Some of us are real men, Dave." "You don't find us running around after our wives all the time." "(WHIMPERS)" "Hello, sweetie." "I was just looking for you." "What are you doing here?" " He's here to meet Pri..." "Ahem!" "I've come to support you, my darling." "I thought you said you were too busy." "I was teasing!" "I was always planning on coming," "I just wanted to surprise you!" "You found out about Prince Charles, didn't you?" "No. (CLEARS THROAT)" "Then why are you dressed like that?" "Like what?" "Like a Pakistani Braveheart?" "I didn't want to get my suit all muddy." "(HAWKS NOISILY)" "Hello, hello, hello." "You remember Brian, my boss." "Salaam alaikum." "So, how are you getting on, Mrs K?" "Very well, Brian." "And how many people have tried our taster cups?" "None." "Oh." "Oh, well." "Not to worry." "I'm sure we'll turn it round." "All hands to the pumps, eh?" "Yes, Brian." "I don't know what to do, I think I need some help." "Maybe if there were two of you?" "Really, you mean that?" "Of course!" "Go and ask Shazia." "So, obviously we want to highlight all the organic produce we have here as well as talking about the animal welfare side of things." "Yes?" " Salaam alaikum." "Jolly good." "Um..." "I don't think we've met." "Mr Khan." "Community Leader." "They all know me." "(HAWKS NOISILY)" "I'm sorry?" " That's OK." "No, I mean I didn't catch your name." "Khan." "Khan." "And how would one spell that?" "The same as two would." "I'm afraid we're at cross-purposes." "That's because only one of us is talking English." "Me, Mr Khan." "K, H for hat, A for Asian, N for knowledge." "Are you one of the Scottish Khans?" "No!" "Of course not." "Don't worry, there's no dodgy foreigners around here." "I'm as English as apple pie." "And chicken tikka masala." "I see." "Well, I'm Marina..." "Fairchild." "I was dark child." "I have two dark children." "Lovely daughter, Alia." "And other daughter." "Also mine." "So, you're the big boss then, isn't it?" "Well, I am the president of the committee, yes." "Great." "So you can introduce me to Prince Charles." "What?" " Is he here yet?" "I'm dying to meet him." "Ah." "Well, I'm afraid that's not going to be possible." "What!" "Why?" "Oh, well, HRH is on an extremely tight schedule, so he only has time to meet a very select group." "I am a very select group!" "How many Pakistanis have you seen dressed like this?" "I know, I am sorry." "But, you know, do please stay and cheer his arrival." " What?" "All right, Mr Khan?" "Isn't this exciting!" "No, it's not, Dave." "It's a disgrace." "Oh." "Well, why's that?" "Why do you think?" "You know, the only people that get to meet Prince Charles are that lot over there." "I'm just as good as them." "Just because I don't do the silly, Red-Rummy laugh." "Haw-haw-haw!" "Well, to be fair, Mr Khan, they are the city farm committee." "What about him?" "He doesn't look like he's on the committee." "He's the vet." "The vet's very important on the farm." "Why?" " You've got to look after the animals." "Ha!" "How hard is that?" "Give them food." "Keep them clean." "Don't let them kill each other." "It's the same as children." "It's a bit more complicated than that." "There's all the different types and they all have different needs." "Rubbish!" "Animal is animal." "Look at this one..." "Anyone can look after that." "What the hell is it?" "They're ferrets, Mr Khan." "Farmers used to use them to catch rabbits." "Yeah." "And they kept them down their trousers." "What!" "Why?" "I think that's how they like to be carried." "I'm not sure that's right." "What are you doing?" "No, I don't think you should take it out of its cage." "Relax, Dave, I'll put it straight back." "Please be careful, Mr Khan." "Ferrets have very sharp teeth." "He's fine." "Aren't you?" "Salaam alaikum." "Hey, do you want to hold him?" "Say hello to Uncle Davey." "No!" " Someone's coming." "Quick, put it back!" "All right, all right, keep your knickers on!" "Oh..." "Do something!" " Uh?" "Hello again." "Is everything all right?" " Yes, thank you." "It's great to see so many people here, isn't it?" "Oh, yes." "We're having a wonderful time." "Aren't we?" "Oh, yes." "It's very fascinating." "Ah?" "Are you interested in animal husbandry?" "Very much so." "And what about you?" "Ye-e-es!" "About this animal husbandry, I mean, do the animals have big weddings?" "Because maybe we can double up with my daughter and share the costs with a hippopotamus." "Is your friend all right?" "He's fine." "Don't worry about him." "(HE MOANS)" "He's just, er, getting ready to pray." "We're Muslims, you see." "We pray a lot." "Oh..." "God!" "There you are." "(WHISPERS) I think it's biting him!" "Hmm?" "(WHISPERS) Is it biting you?" "Yes!" "Can you shake it off?" "It won't let go." "What's going on?" "(RIAZ WHIMPERS)" "He's put a ferret down his trousers." "What?" "!" "Good heavens!" "Hi!" "Hi!" "Oh, dear." "Is it bad?" "It's not good." "Can't you just pull it off?" "MARINA:" "Certainly not!" "They can be very tenacious once they've latched on." "Particularly when they're frightened." "I told you not to frighten it." "Will, come over here and take this man away." "And give the ferret a sedative." "Now we need to have everybody out of here once the royal party arrive... (MR KHAN HAWKS NOISILY)" "Oh, it's you again." "Hello." " What do you want?" "So, the vet's gone?" "Yes." "So, now you've got a spare place on your reception party, huh?" "Ah..." "So, where do I stand?" "Um, no, the thing is, Will was going to be talking about our breeding programme, organic techniques and so on..." "I can do that." "Oh, you have farming knowledge, do you?" "Oh, yes." "I know all of it." "The crops, the chickens, the sheeps, the goats." "But not the pigs, though!" "(BRAYING LAUGH)" "I see." "But you're not a veterinarian?" "You don't have any actual qualifications from the RCVS?" "Oh, yes." "I've got loads!" "RCVS, RSVP," "R2-D2." "Now, look, Mr Khan, I'm sorry, but it's just not possible." "Oh." "So, maybe you think you can't have a brown, organic vet-farmer, hmm?" "No, no, I didn't say that..." "We Pakistanis invented organic farming." "It's all the dung, isn't it?" "Oh, no, no, I'm sure you're right." "There's loads of dung in Pakistan." "Here some dung, there some dung, everywhere some dung-dung." "Well... all right, but... just stand at the back and don't speak unless you're spoken to." "Don't worry, I'll be all ears." "Oh, oh, no - that'll be Prince Charlie, won't it?" "(BRASS BAND PLAYS ON ILKLEYMOOR BAHT 'AT)" "(COW MOOING)" "MARINA:" "OK, everyone, line up." "Now, the royal party are a few minutes away now, so I just want to run over the procedure before they get here." "We'll run over the procedure." "Right." "So, when the royal car arrives," "I shall go out and greet His Royal Highness." "Go out and greet him." "And you will all stay here." "You stay here." "All of you." "Yes!" "After which, I will bring him in and introduce him to the line-up." "Introduce him." "And then I will give him a short tour of the farm." "(MIMICS HER PRONUNCIATION) Tour." "Right." "So, you need to be down here at the end." " What?" "!" "Now, when I come to introduce him, the correct etiquette is as follows." "You hold out your hand and you wait for him to take it." "Then it's a bow of the head for the men and a little bob curtsey for the women, nothing too extravagant!" "And then I shall introduce you and you will say," "' "Your Royal Highness.'"" "So, for instance, here I am entering with HRH, we approach the line-up and I will say," "' "Sir, may I introduce you to... '"" "MRK." "I beg your pardon?" "Well, he's HRH and I'm MRK." "Mist-R Khan!" "(WHISPERS) The calf's come." "Oh, my goodness!" "What?" "What is it?" "Is it Prince Charles?" "No, it's Daisy." "She's in labour." " Well, that's all right, then." "We need Will." "Oh!" "He's switched his phone off." "This is so inconvenient!" "What about HRH?" "What time's he getting here?" "Mr Khan, you can deliver Daisy's baby." "What?" "!" " Apparently it's stuck, so you'll need to reach in and pull it out." "But I don't even know the woman!" "Daisy's a cow." "Well, I'm not doing that either." "But you said you knew all about animals." "Is the cow halal?" "What?" "!" "I only deal with halal animals." "I'm an expert in goats." "Goats are Pakistani." "It's the beards, you see?" "But we need your help." "I'm sorry, Your Horsiness, but I'm not sticking my hand up a cow's nonny-nonny for anybody!" "Oh, hello, sweetie!" "What's the matter, is everything all right?" "Not really." " I'm sorry, but you can't be in here." "You'll have to leave." "Chup!" "Do you mind?" "This is my wife." "Oh, no wonder she's upset." "Come on, sweetie." "Tell me all about it." "Only, be quick, cos I've got to meet Prince Charles in a minute." "My stall didn't work out like I hoped and nobody was interested in my taster cups." "Oh, well." "I'm afraid today's been a bit of a disappointment." "And then, to cap it all, a ferret escaped and... did its business in the milk churn." "Now it really is organic!" "To be honest, I always thought that sponsoring a cow was a bad idea." "And we've got no publicity out of it at all." "Now I'll be stuck on shelf-stacking duty for ever!" "Right, sweetie." "I need you to do something for me." "What?" "Take your clothes off." "What?" "!" "I'm going to show you how much I love you." "Now?" " Not all of them, just your apron." "OK." "Why?" "What are you going to do?" "I'm going to offer the farming community the Pakistani hand of friendship!" "And tell Prince Charles I said," "' "Salaam Alaikum!" "'"" "(DAISY MOOS)" " Hello, sir." "Hello, Amjad." "What are you doing here?" "We came to see the baby calf." "And the tent got evacuated because somebody let the ferrets out." "(CLEARS THROAT)" " Where's the vet?" "He's not here, but Mr Khan is stepping into the breach, so to speak." " What?" "He's something of an expert with cows." "OK... (DAISY MOOS)" "Oh, dear..." "How is she?" " Fine." "She's still a cow." "And the calf?" "Yes, that's still in there too." "Oh, dear." "So, do you think you might need to, um..." "What?" "give her a bit of help?" "Huh?" "!" " I mean, you must have had to deal with this sort of thing back on your farm in Pakistan." "Of course." "Right." "Thank goodness your father's here." "I'm not sure I'd know what to do." "No." "Me neither." "Oh gosh, HRH is here!" "What?" "!" " I really have to go and greet him." "Look, you carry on, and I'll come back once the royal party have left." "You can't!" "Dad!" "This is Mum's last chance to impress Brian." "Right." "Amjad, I'm going to need a hand." "Oh, no, sir." "Please, don't make me..." "Just get her tail out the way, you idiot." "Oh, OK." "(PANICKED MOOING)" "It's very dark." "Oh, twadi..." "Here goes... (SQUELCH)" "(DAISY MOOS)" "Oh, twadi!" "Does it feel OK?" "Not really." "Is she having contractions?" "I don't think so-o-o-o-oh..." "I think she's having one, sir!" "Yes, thank you, Amjad!" "Oh." "Oh, agh!" "Er, I think we should give Daisy some privacy." "Right!" "(COW MOOS LOUDLY)" "(INAUDIBLE)" "Amjad!" "What's happened?" "The calf's foot got stuck and Mr Khan had to try to get it free." "It was so hard." "I'm not sure we did it right." "Oh, no..." " But it's all over now." "BOTH:" "Oh, my God!" "You did it!" "I got the calf, sweetie!" "What about Daisy?" "She's fine." "Oh, well done!" "(DAISY MOOS)" "Well done!" " Yes, well done, indeed!" "And well done, Mrs Khan." "I knew it was a good idea!" "And well done, budhoo." "He held the tail!" "We'll have a baby one day." "But it won't look like that." "Hi." "Where have you been?" "Thanks for that." "It's a big relief." "You were amazing, Dad." "Eugh!" "You should probably get cleaned up!" "And I'm sorry you didn't get to meet Prince Charles." "That's OK." "(CHEERING OUTSIDE TENT)" "Your Royal Highness, here he is, the hero of the hour!" "Oh..." "Sir, may I present Mr Khan, community leader and deliverer of calves!" "(POSH GIBBERISH)" "Definitely, Your Royal Princeness." "(BRAYS EXCITEDLY)" "Lovely." "Shall we?" "What did he say?" "I've absolutely no idea." "But I tell you one thing," "I'm never washing this hand again!" "Oh, you look nice, my darling." "Thank you." "And thank you for helping me with my job." "That's OK." "You're my wife and I'll always support you." "Just promise me you won't sponsor any elephants." "Oh..." "Brian was thrilled with all the publicity." "He said he might consider me for a junior trainee assistant manager job." "Next year." "You deserve it." "I can't believe we're going to the civic reception." "Have you got the invitation?" "They're going to call me and tell me where we need to pick it up." "Hang on." "Where's my phone?" "When did you last see it?" "When I was in the barn with Daisy." "Oh, twadi!" "(PHONE RINGTONE)" "(DAISY MOOS)" "Ripped By mstoll"