"* 'Tis the season to be jolly *" "* Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la *" "* Don we now our gay apparel *" "* Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la *" "* Troll the ancient Yuletide carol *" "* Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la la-la *" "* See the blazing yule Before us *" "* Fa-la-la-la-la-- *" "All right." "One more fa-la-la, and tiny Tim gets it in the good leg." "And don't even think about getting up until you're back in the lobby." "Ho-ho-ho." "[***]" "Finally." "I've been on hold for a half-hour." "All right, I need a ticket from Penn Station to Albany." "Excuse me, someone said there was bottled water in the fridge, but I" "Shh." "Yeah, of course it's a round trip." "Have you ever been to Albany?" "I'm sorry, but I'm kind of in a rush." "Yeah, we all are, it's Chris" "D. Finch, at your service." "Hey, did anyone ever tell you you could be a model?" "I am a model." "Get out." "Oh, my God, we've got a psychic connection thing going on here." "So you here for a shooty- toot-toot?" "No, just a fitting." "I'm in that swimsuit thing Elliott's doing over Christmas." "Hmm, what swimsuit thing?" "The one in the Caribbean." "Ah, sounds like fun." "Yeah, right, a week on a tiny island with a dozen stir-crazy models who have nothing to do but complain about how lonely they are." "I mean, can you imagine?" "[CHUCKLES]" "Since I was 13." "Hey, there he is." "That is a cool scarf." "Oh, no, you found out about the shoot." "Come on, you've got to let me go." "No." "I'll pay for my own plane ticket, and you don't have to get me a hotel room, because I can bunk with the models." "No way, no way, the last time I took you on a shoot with me, you walked in on Kate Moss taking a shower." "That was an innocent mistake." "I was trying to walk in on Elle MacPherson." "I've got something for all of you." "Yeah, bring it on." "MAYA:" "Oh, Nina." "NINA:" "All right." "Catalogs?" "Well, I know how hard it is to shop for me, so this year, I've registered." "Please, people, couldn't we just skip the whole gift thing this year?" "What?" "No presents for Christmas?" "That's like Easter without high-stakes poker." "Elliott's right." "We should do something meaningful and pool all our money and give it to someone who could really use it, you know, change someone's life." "Maya, I'm all for anything that'll keep me out of the stores." "Amen to that, brother." "Still not going, Finch." "Then it's settled." "We'll give the money to someone deserving." "Agreed, but say I want to buy you all presents on top of the money I donate." "Nope, no presents whatsoever." "Gotcha, hardly any presents." "No presents." "Right, a minimum of presents." "Not one single present." "Okay, okay, you don't have to tell me twice." "Now, all we have to do is find someone deserving." "Oh, I know someone who'd be perfect." "Poor guy sweats his butt off nights and weekends, and all the while with a great big smile on his face." "Nina, we're not giving all our money to some Chippendale's dancer." "He has a name." "It's Kenny, and for your information, he has a very, very sad story." "His stingy insurance company won't pay for his calf implants." "Okay." "Oh, fine." "He'll just go on wearing higher-than-average cowboy boots to hide this secret shame." "I'm sorry." "I come back later." "No, it's okay." "Come in." "I come back later." "No, really, it's okay." "Because if it's not okay, I can" "I know, you can come back later." "Okay." "No, wait, please." "It's no problem, really." "Um, what's your name?" "Jesús Santos." "Jesús, it's nice to meet you." "I'm Maya." "Ah, Maya" "Centuries ago, the Mayans raped and pillaged my people..." "But I am sure you are very nice." "Please." "Um, how long have you been working the night shift?" "Since sundown." "No, I meant how long..." "Oh, oh." "Uh, in two weeks, it will be one year, eight months..." "And 2 weeks." "Must be hard working nights." "Oh, no, it is fine." "This week, I'm also working days since the others, they go to visit their families." "And what about you?" "Me?" "Mm-hmm." "I'm working hard for the American dream." "Oh, and what's that?" "To open my own smoothie bar." "Hmm." ""Jesús' Juices."" "It's got a nice ring to it." "Thank you." "Oh, I'm sorry." "I must be keeping you from your work." "No." "No, no, no... unless I can go." "Oh...sure." "Now I have insulted you." "I will stay." "I will go." "Good night, Jesús." "Good night." "Nina, you haven't seen a camera lens lying around here, have you?" "It's about yay long, and the casing's sort of faded." "No, I haven't seen it." "It's no big deal." "I have lots of lenses." "That's it, shoot's canceled." "What is the problem?" "I can't find my lens." "So don't you have, like, 30 of them?" "Yes, but they're not all his lucky thong lens." "Lucky thong lens?" "Eight years ago, I was doing my first swimsuit shoot in St. Tropez, and from the moment I arrived, none of my shots were working out right." "I thought my career was over, and as I'm walking back to the hotel, this local boy suddenly appears out of nowhere and stuffs something in my pocket." "I look down, and it's this lens, this perfect lens, but when I looked up, the boy had vanished, and in his place... a white dove." "Oh, I get it, they have mushrooms in St. Tropez." "This just came for you." "What the hell is this?" "Hmm?" "Oh, it looks like someone's hand dangling your lucky thong lens over a sewer grate." "Hmm, what sort of devious madman would do such a thing?" "That's your watch." "You're right." "That bastard's got my watch." "You cough it up, Finch." "You know what?" "I have this weird feeling that if you and me and some hot models went to the Caribbean together, all our stuff would just turn up." "Yeah?" "And I've got this weird feeling that if I put my fist down your throat," "I could find your spleen." "Yeah, but you wouldn't find your lens." "Oh, well, I'm sorry, but Kenny deserves this money." "After all, he's a member of an oppressed minority." "What minority?" "The trouserly challenged?" "No." "He has brown eyes." "They did a study, and it turns out blue-eyed dancers make far more money." "Who did the study?" "Me and my friend Binnie." "Aha, what's this?" "Huh?" "My lens perhaps?" "Huh, huh?" "So close, yet such a nerd." "Um, back to the issue." "I have a suggestion." "Why don't we give this money to Jesús, the night custodian?" "Hey, he's a great guy." "You know Jesús?" "Don't sound so surprised." "I have a great rapport with the entire cleaning staff." "If by rapport, you mean that point-and-wink thing you do, then, yes, you is down with the crew." "Yeah, well, what makes this Jesús so much more deserving than my Kenny?" "Well, he could use the money to get started on his life's dream of running his own business." "Is no one listening?" "My Kenny has brown eyes and thin calves." "Maya, I'm with you." "Oh, great." "How do we do this?" "Hey, Jesús." "Hey, Mr. Jack." "Come here a second." "Maya has a little something for you." "No, it's from all of us." "Merry Christmas." "Oh, thank you very much." "Dios mío." "Thank you so much." "You are the greatest people in the world." "Thank you so much." "Whoo-hoo." "Oh, Jesús." "You are saints." "You are angels." "This is the greatest day of my life." "Señorita." "I'm just so happy for you." "Hey, Finch." "Finch." "Choke on this, huh?" "Brand-new lens." "Top-of-the-line Zeiss." "Mm-hmm." "Is it lucky?" "180 millimeters, titanium casing, prime glass." "This lens is the best lens on the planet." "Wow." "So it's lucky?" "Pack your bags." "Good morning." "Hey." "Oh, is it six geese a-laying, or seven?" "All I know is I'm gonna be eight chicks a-chasing." "Oh, my God." "It's all for you, a potpourri of treasures as far as the eye can see." "Oh, Jesús, this is so sweet, but if you wanted to thank me, a card would have done." "Miss Maya," "I did not buy all this to say thank you." "You didn't?" "I bought it to say I love you." "Jesús," "I'm really flattered, but... you can't be in love with me, you hardly know me." "I know you're beautiful, you're generous, and judging by your trash, you're a woman who enjoys doodling her initials." "But this money was supposed to be for you." "What about Jesús' Juices?" "Me and my silly dreams." "Keep in mind, I breathe ammonia all day." "For you, a silver rose." "The rose because it represents beauty, the silver because it costs a lot of money." "Jesús, I can't accept this." "Miss Maya, in my three years of living in this country, you are the first person to make me feel special." "When I look at you, my heart aches." "My skin perspires from the fire of your passion." "Now, if you'll excuse me," "I must put sawdust on some vomit on 16th." "Oh." "Oh, a crystal swan." "Oh, I just love it." "Okay, Elliott, this is for you." "Cubans?" "You bet." "Thanks, Jack." "Hey." "Oh, hey, a gold bar, my favorite." "You mentioned that you were starting to hoard it, so..." "Yes." "Well, I just had to get you guys something, because, you know, you mean the world to me." "Aw, we feel the same way about you, Jack." "So...you got me something too, huh?" "Well, I know...that I did." "It's back here." "Yeah, yeah, mi--mi--mi-- mine's in the studio." "I..." "My--it's over there." "Oh, here it is." "Now, don't go getting all teary-eyed on me." "A gun?" "Ready, aim... fire." "Oh, that line cracks people up at parties." "Nina, guys will laugh at anything when you have your top off." "Jack, I found you the perfect gift for the man who has everything." "Tea." "Tea?" "Ah, not just any tea" "From China." "Very rare." "Ta-dah." "Oh, you got me cigars too." "I know, but these are slightly better." "Well, gee, thanks, everybody." "Never has it been more clear to me that it's the thought that counts." "Wait." "Oh, oh, you almost had me." "Gee, I wonder who this is for." ""Maya Gallo."" "Oh, no." "Who gave you a TV?" ""Merry Christmas, love, Jesus."" "Jesus sent you a TV?" "[DOOR OPENS]" "Elliott..." "Bad news-- you're not going to the Caribbean." "Why?" "What happened?" "Well, the models got food poisoning at the Mizrahi show." "What, all five of them?" "Apparently, they shared a bad shrimp." "Don't worry." "I have an idea." "Instead... we'll send the male models to the beach and shoot the tuxedo layout." "I don't wanna go to the Caribbean with a bunch of male models." "D. Finch, reporting for booty." "Make it happen." "Great-- in one hour," "I'll have those models on the plane and ready to go." "Save me a tall one." "I'm feeling frisky." "Here's your ticket." "Here's your lens." "So you ready to go?" "[COUGHS] You know..." "I may be coming down with something." "Finch, you may have to entertain the models while we find a different photographer." "I'm sorry." "Your loss." "I just hope they're gentle with me." "Hmm." "Don't count on it." "[LAUGHS]" "How could you?" "How could I what?" "Send back all my gifts-- my gifts of love." "Jesús, you're a terrific guy, but the truth is..." "I can't return your feelings." "Oh..." "I see." "Don't get me wrong." "I think that you are a kind and a caring and a sensitive man, and please believe me when I tell you this-- somewhere out there is a woman who deserves a man as wonderful as you." "Well... there is my wife." "You have a wife?" "She is the dearest, most sweetest person in the world, but she is not as hot as you." "And that's a reason to cheat on her, because I'm hot." "Okay, you're getting colder." "How dare you?" "Colder." "This woman made a commitment to you." "That's cold enough." "So long, lady." "No, this is not right." "To leave you with nothing would be unmanly, and because I'm a man," "I must leave you with something to make you feel like a woman-- my ticket for an evening with The Legends of Baseball." "Oh, no, I couldn't." "Don't worry." "It's free." "I won it in the mail." "And it's for real... not like that white devil Ed McMahon and his fake check that I tried to cash, to my great humiliation." "Hey." "Got something for ya." "Oh, we said no presents." "Right." "Hardly any presents." "Oh, Dad..." "Jack London." "First edition." "Oh, thanks." "I love it." "So..." "Oh, um..." "Your present, uh..." "Here you go." "You'd better hurry." "Whoa!" ""Legends of Baseball," ""featuring Williams, Mays, Marichal..." "Special appearance by the San Diego chicken."" "Oh!" "Oh, I hope you like it." "I love it." "You make me feel like the richest man in the whole building." "You are the richest man in the building." "I love Christmas." "I'm sorry about this whole Jesús thing." "It was a screwy idea." "No, honey, it was a great idea." "Never lose that... that little thing you have." "It's what I love about you." "What little thing?" "You know, that thing we all tease you about around here." "Compassion?" "Yeah." "That's it." "I'm glad you're back in my life." "Merry Christmas, Dad." "Merry Christmas, sweetheart." "[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]" "* Good tidings to you Wherever you are *" "* Good tidings for Christmas And a happy new year... *" "Let's take the stairs." "* We wish you A Merry Christmas *" "* We wish you a Merry... *" "Well, wait a second." "This invitation is for a Jesús Santos." "Is that you?" "Sí." "Got any ID?" "No." "Ah, what the hey." "It's Christmas." "Haven't had a bad one yet." "Hey, where are all the baseball players?" "Jesús Santos, you are under arrest." "What?" "INS Sting operation-- you're headed back to El Salvador, pal." "Look, officers, this is a big misunderstanding." "My name is Jack Gallo, and I can prove it." "[MUTTERS] What did I do with my wallet?" "Cubans." "I know I had it a minute ago." "Well, well, well." "Gun!" "JACK:" "Wait!" "Now this is a bad Christmas." "* Life keeps bringing me Back to you *" "* Keeps bringing me home *" "* It don't matter What I'm gonna do 'cause... *" "* It's got a mind of its own *" "* Life keeps bringing me Back to you **"