" Congratulations, Billy." "You win most handicapped." "[Cheers and applause]" " This is bullshit." " And now the award for coolest, most popular kid in school goes to Woody Johnson." "Did you forget something, son?" "[Laughter]" "The only award you'll win is weirdest looking balls." " Damn!" "His balls look like they mad at each other." " More bad news, Mr. Johnson." "I called your mother." " No!" " Woody, you've been a bad boy." "[Roaring]" " Ah, ah, ah!" " Woody!" " No, mommy!" "Don't hurt me!" " Ouch!" " Don't hurt me, mommy!" " Another nightmare?" " Yeah." "Sorry, little buddy." " Oh, that's nice." "No, I'm sure "sorry" stops brain swelling." " Well, at least I didn't break my award." " [Screams]" " ♪ Brickleberry" " good morning, rangers." "I got great news." " Jeez, Woody, you look terrible." "Did you sleep last night?" " I slept perfectly normal." " Yep, 20 minutes of sleep, 7 hours of intense screaming." " Sounds like Ethel breaking in her vibrator." "Wait, I'm Ethel." "Sorry, I'm drunk." " Oh, enough about my night terrors." " So, that's why you're always so irritable." " I am not irritable!" " Tell that to your bowels." "[Chuckles]" "You get it?" "[Blows raspberry]" " Oh, ha ha." "I guess crohn's disease is funny now." "Oh, damn it, I just shit myself." "Anyway, I got great news." " You bought us all Betty white fleshlights?" " No." " You bought me a Betty white fleshlight?" " No." "Someone's coming." " I will be, if I get my Betty white fleshlight." " Shut up!" "President Obama is coming to brickleberry." " Oh, no." "He found me." " What are you talking about?" " Obama is really into me, sexually." " Can I shoot her?" " Connie, stop being psycho." " Yeah, you expect us to believe that a black guy could be into a fat, white woman?" " Can I shoot him?" " Do us a favor." " Everyone, shut up." "The president is coming to honor me for 30 years' perfect attendance as a park ranger." " Hold on, I'm trying to give a [Bleep]." "No, not happening." " We gotta make sure that nothing happens to ruin my big day." "Denzel, you're in charge of security and-  wait a minute, Woody, you don't even like Obama." " What?" "I love Obama." "Now, you and Connie are in charge of disposing of all my anti-Obama paraphernalia." " What's my assignment, Woody?" " Steve, you have the most important job of all." "I need you to travel to king's landing and bring me the head of tyrion lannister." " King's landing--is that near the cheesecake factory?" " Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever." " But I'll miss your big ceremony, Woody." " Yeah, that's the point, dumbass." "There's no way I'm letting you embarrass me in front of the president." " When have I ever been an embarrassment?" " How about the time you got drunk at Christmas mass?" " So you're a virgin, huh?" " What?" " I was talking to the donkey." " I can't believe Woody, of all people, is getting to meet the president." " Trust me, it's not that big of a deal." "[Donkey groans]" " Connie, do you really expect me to believe that you know the president?" " I do." "I worked on his campaign as the media consultant." "He wanted me so bad that he tried to fire me, but he couldn't because he was so hot for my body." " Wait a minute." "You're describing the TV show scandal." " I know." "They based that show on my life." " Connie, you've lost touch with reality again." "Remember that time you told everyone Oprah was gonna leave stedman for you?" " She was!" "She said she wanted to make my clitoris the color purple." " What do you think, malloy?" "I got these to impress the president." "Do they make me look smarter?" " Smarter than what?" "This table?" "No." " Denzel, what the hell are you doing?" " Security measure." "I've got to take this TV to my place to check it out for, uh, north Korean dirty bombs." " Uh-oh, check the even bigger one in my bedroom." " Code red!" "Code red!" " It's a zenith." " Oh, [Bleep] That shit." " Hey, Woody, I got it." " What the [Bleep], Steve?" "You cut off Peter dinklage's head?" " Yeah, just like you asked." "He kept screaming, "I'm just a bad actor!" ""It's a role I play on a television show!" "Ugh, why are you doing this to me?"" "[Laughs] But I just kept sawing." " Oh, fine, mount it with the rest of them." " So can I go to your ceremony now?" " No!" "I have another job for you." "I need you to dig an escape tunnel for the president with this plastic spoon." " Where to?" " Back to Kenya where he came from!" "I mean, I love Obama." " Hey, cool glasses." "[Nasal voice] Hi, I'm Professor Steve Williams." " Give me those." " Hey!" "[Both grunting]" " My fake smart guy glasses!" "Steve!" " Off to dig the tunnel." " I swear to God, if I have to spend another second with that dipshit," "I'll shoot him." " So you think I should spend more time with Woody?" " Absolutely." " And once he gets to know me better and we become best friends, he'll invite me to his big ceremony?" " Of course he will, and make sure to use lots of rap lingo." "Ah, he loves that." " Thanks, malloy." "Now, excuse me while I finish this tunnel to Kenya." "I'm Al-  can you tell us how to get to the cheesecake factory?" " Bodean, I can't believe Obama's coming here." "Are you as pissed off as I am?" " No, I voted for Obama." " What did you say?" " I said I voted for-  you been brainwashed." "What's that shit you been watching again?" " Downton abbey." " Brainwashed!" "Bodean, listen to me." "These liberals are screwing up our country." "They're gonna ban smoking and junk food, take our guns, and probably make us gay marry each other." " I kind of like obamacare." " That's the worst part." "Even I could come up with a better health care plan." " Why don't you do it then?" " Maybe I will." "Why the hell did you vote for Obama anyway?" " Because income inequality is a very significant social issue, and it's reinforced by a series of regressive tax reforms foisted upon us by right-wingers." " I'm awake, bodean." " I know." " Thank you, Mr. president." "No." "Thank you, Mr. president." "No." "Thank you, Mr. president!" "No, you're gonna screw it up, Johnson." " Hey, player, I thought wiggity-we should spend a little tiggity-time togevah." "Just big dubs and run-dm-Steve." " Steve, I will murder you." " Wanna watch Willy wizzle and the chizzle fizzle?" "I rented it on blu-rizzle." " I'm warning you, Steve." " [Whispers] Give him the pie." " Oh, I made you a p-cuh-p-cuh-p-cuh-p-cuh-p-cuh- p-cuh-p-cuh-p-cuh-p-cuh-p-cuh- p-cuh-p-cuh-p-cuh-p-cuh-pie!" " Yes!" " Uh-oh, my p-cuh-p-cuh-p-cuh-pie." "Oh, no." "Malloy, call an ambu-lizzle!" " [Groans]" " Woody, I have good news and bad news and super bad news." " What's the super bad news?" " [Sighs]" "Ben affleck is the new Batman." " Who gives a shit?" "What about me?" " Woody, you destroyed your liver, totally, well, [Bleep] It up." "The good news is, I have a donor liver right here." " Oh, that's great, doc." " The bad news is that according to page 2,242 of the obamacare manual, this liver must go to a gay, illegal immigrant." " Holy shit, fox news was right." " Woody, since we can't find you a liver, you'll be sharing one." " Share a liver?" "With who?" " Hey, liver buddy!" " What?" "You attached me to this moron?" "Why didn't you just put me on dialysis?" " Trust me, Woody, I tried." "Isn't that right, dialysis?" " Ain't nobody getting on dialysis unless they put a ring on it." " If you had to sew me to someone, why did you have to pick captain dumbass?" " Well, Woody, he was the only one who would volunteer." " 'Cause that's what friends do." " If you were a real friend, you would have just given me your liver and died." " This is even better." "Now we can really get to know each other." " Doc, when can you saw this talking tumor off of me?" "I got an event to go to." " Let's see." "Actually, it says here that if a gay, illegal immigrant does not need the liver within 48 hours, huh, it's all yours." " Great, just in time to get my award." " Speaking of awards, have I shown you my Bruce jenner "horrors of medicine" trophy?" " There goes our number one tourist attraction." "[Cell phone beeps]" " "Give me, give me some of that big, flappy ass."" " Ew!" "Who is that from?" " Ugh, Barack." " Let me get this straight." "The president of the United States of America just texted, "give me, give me some of that big, floppy ass"?" " No, he said, "flappy."" " Let me see that." "There's nothing there." " I know." "He used a snapchat." " Connie, you better cut out this nonsense before the president gets here, or you could get into some real trouble." " It's not nonsense, Ethel, I swear." "[Cell phone beeps]" ""Flap, flap, flappy ass." ""Give me that big, flappy ass." ""Give me, give me, flappy dappy, floppity, sucking titties."" "Snapchat." " Welcome to o'bobbycare." "Now just sign here, and give me your premium." " Okay, Bobby." " This is easier than I thought." "As long as you don't get hurt, everything will be okay." " I got a pencil stuck in my eye, Bobby." " Jesus, bodean, you gotta be careful." " Now I got two pencils stuck in my eye, Bobby." " Stop sticking pencils in your eye." "Damn it, bodean." " What?" "Pens too?" " Ow!" " Oopsie." "[Both grunting]" " [Chuckles]" " Steve, turn left." " My left or your left?" " They're the same goddamn left." " [Grunts]" " Ah, [Bleep]." "[Both grunting]" "Shit!" "Steve, get your ass up." "As you can all see, I have grown a dork." " Woody, tell me if this hurts." " [Screams]" " Shouldn't you two still be in the hospital?" " What?" "And ruin my perfect attendance record?" "Hell, no." "It's business as usual." "Now let's get ser-- [Laughs]" " Tickle fight." " Stop!" "I swear to God, Steve." " [Goofy voice] Why are you so mean, Mr. grumpy lumps?" " Ahh!" " [Yells]" " Now let's have a [Bleep] party." "Denzel, security report." " I took all your electronics down to the pawn shop." "Uh, yeah, they defuse dirty bombs down there." " Good job." "Okay." "That's lunch, everybody." "Come on, liver boy, we're going to Hooters." " Sorry, I practice over lunch, and I can't miss it." " Practice what?" " I like to sing a capella-- all: ♪ a capella" " oh, I hate a capella." " ♪ Makes me a most happy fella ♪" " A capella sucks!" "Stop it." "Stop it." " ♪ I sing songs loud or mellow ♪" "All: ♪ a capella" " ♪ all the girls' legs turn to jell-o ♪" "All: ♪ a capella" " ♪ they can sound like how about I wash yours, and you wash mine?" " No!" " Hmm." "Do you have insurance?" " Yep, he's right there." " Okay, here we go." "That'll be $1,200." " $1,200?" " Don't thank me." "Thank the greatest health care system in the world." " That's it, bodean." "I am dropping you from o'bobbycare." " Well, according to page one of the o'bobbycare manual, you can't do that, Bobby." " Damn it." "Please tell me there's nothing else wrong with you." " Don't worry, Bobby-- I just got high blood pressure, high sugar, diverticulitis, colitis, gingivitis, bieber fever, and sores on my Peter." " [Snores]" "No, no, mommy." "[Screams]" " ♪ Hush, little baby, don't say a word ♪" " ♪ mama's gonna fry you a talking turd ♪" " Wow, I don't know what you did, but that is the best night of sleep I've had since my mom starved me into a coma." "I feel incredible." " Wait till you try this." " [Chewing]" "It's like a coconut angel took a shit in my mouth." " Thanks." " You know what, Steve?" "I never thought I'd say it, but I'm starting to hate you a little less." "♪ Be my, be my, be my, be my, be my, be my bff ♪" "All: ♪ best friends forever, whatever we endeavor ♪" "♪ our bond won't ever sever" "♪ no matter whatso-whatsoever [All grunting]" "♪ Best friends forever, whatever... ♪" " Whoo!" "Yeah!" "All: ♪ together wherever" "♪ I'm happy settled in between ♪" " ♪ be my, be my, be my, be my, be my, be my bff ♪" " ♪ oh, best friend" " well, I guess our 48 hours is almost up." " If I had to be surgically attached to anybody," "I'm glad it was you, Steve." " Really?" "Thanks, buddy." " Well, it's time, Woody." "Lucky for you, there's not one single gay, illegal immigrant who needs a liver today." " My liver exploded." " [Screams]" " Oh, not good." "Are you familiar with a medical term called "jinxing"?" "Looks like you'll be stuck with Steve for your event." " God damn it, no!" "How could this happen to me?" " Woody, what's the big deal?" "We'll just go together." " What's the big deal?" "I've told you a thousand times, Steve!" "I don't want you there!" " But I-I thought things were different now." "I thought you liked me." " Nothing is different." "I was just making the best of a shitty situation." "I don't like you, and I never will!" " You don't deserve a friend like me." " [Grunting]" " Can you fellows take this argument someplace else?" "I have an illegal to operate on." " [Groans]" " I need anesthesia." "Anesthesia?" " What you want, mother[Bleep]?" "I'm trying to sleep." " Nom, nom, nom, nom, mmm, mmm." " What the hell are you eating?" " Raw bacon." " You can't eat raw bacon." " All right, then, I'll just drink this 94-ounce Coca-Cola." "Raw bacon makes me thirsty." " Well, I'm banning big sodas, raw bacon, and anything else that'll [Bleep] you up, including guns." " Guns?" "What am I gonna put in my mouth when I Jack off?" "Why are you doing this, Bobby?" " Because if you get sick or hurt," "I'm gonna have to pay for it, you dumb son of a bitch." " You know what?" "O'bobbycare took away everything I love." "Obama would never hurt me like this." "Oh!" " Yeah, he's a real jerk." "I can't stand him." "No." "He's right next to me with his big, stupid Kathleen Turner mustache." " [Bleep] You." "That's not even a real phone." " See what I'm dealing with?" " Down syndrome?" " [Grunts]" "I've got a surprise for you, Steve." " What's in the box?" " I think we're all hoping it's Gwyneth paltrow's head." " Oh, you'll see." "It's my plan to keep you from screwing up my event and make me look like a hero in the process." " Woody?" "Woody, no." "No, no, no, no!" "What are you doing?" "[Motor running] [Screams]" " Ah, here is the man of the hour." " Hey, great to see you." " And who is your guest?" " This is a cancer kid." "I saved his life, had him sewn to me, so he could share my liver." "The cancer took his." " Dear God." "What's your name, son?" " [Grunts] - [Gasps]" " Did I mention he's also a mute and pretty much brain dead?" " So he's brain dead and a mute?" " Well, he wasn't born a mute." "He had tonsil cancer." " Oh, I thought he had liver cancer." " Oh, he does." "He's getting it from both ends." "Cancer's running a train on this brain-dead bastard." " Well, have a splendid time." " This sucks." "I'll never forgive you for this." " You just keep your mouth shut." "You're not screwing this up for me, you annoying waste of space." "Oh, hello, senator varnadoe." " And who is this with you?" " Just a shit-for-brains cancer mute." "He'll be dead soon, so just pretend he's not here." " Crab cakes, gentlemen?" " Not for me." "I'm highly allergic." " Yes, this is truly an honor." "Whoa, did it get hot in here?" " Mr. Johnson, are you feeling okay?" " Yeah, yeah, I never felt better." " Attention, everyone, the president has arrived." "[Cheers and applause]" " Now remember, Connie, keep in touch with reality." " You'll see." "Hello, Barry." " Connie!" " I'm sorry, do I know you?" " You should." "You've sent me over a hundred dirty texts in the last week, you pervert." " [Laughs]" "Who is this guy?" "He's funny." " Leave me alone." "I mean it." "No, no." "[Groans]" " Hello, Connie." "Do you know how hard it was to pretend" "I didn't know you back there?" "I had to make up this stupid award just to get close to you." " No, Barry." "I've told you a hundred times, I'm a lesbian." "Oh!" " [Whispers] So was Michelle." "I like a challenge." "[Sniffs]" "You smell like a petting zoo on a hot Sunday." " Stop it." " I remember the first day we met." "I was intoxicated by that big, pasty ass." "I've been chasing that ginger dragon ever since." " Barry, you're a married man." "We can't." " Yes, we can, Connie." "Yes, we can." "[Knocking]" " Mr. president, it's time to go on." " Damn." "I'll be right there." "I'll be back for that big flappy, dappy ass." "[Gibberish]" " Please welcome the president of the United States," "Barack Obama." " It's a privilege to be here on this special day to honor a great American and one of our nation's majestic national parks, brickleberry." "National parks are both big and beautiful and flappy dappy." " The man is a good speaker." " So, without further adieu," "I'd like to introduce the man of the hour, accompanied by the brain-dead, mute cancer kid whose life he saved." "Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Woody Johnson." " Oh!" "Hey, look, it's Lena Dunham." "She's so brave." " Now, this man not only saves cancer-stricken children's lives, but more importantly, shows up for work every day, and so I present this award to you." " Thank you, Mr. presid-- [Vomiting]" " Usa, usa, usa!" "[All screaming]" " Oh, God, how did this happen?" " Hmm, it wasn't that tray of crab cakes I ate, was it?" " You did this?" "You son of a bitch, you ruined the best day of my life!" " You wouldn't have a life if it wasn't for me." "I just wanted to be your friend, and all you did was treat me like shit." "And you gave me cancer." " I'm gonna kill you." " Not if I kill you first." "[Both grunting]" " Mr. Johnson, I'm from fox news." "I'd like to present you with our "man of the year" award for puking all over the president." "Well done, sir." " Oh, my God, I don't know what to say." "What an honor." "Well, this beats the shit out of a stupid presidential medal, and I owe it all to my friend Steve." " We're friends?" "Really?" " You bet, buddy." "Sorry for being such a dick." " I guess we all learned a good lesson today." " Why don't you wash that lesson down with some delicious crab cakes?" " Oh, great idea, malloy." " No, Steve, no!" "I'm highly allerg-- [vomiting]" " Hey, Bobby." " I told you, bodean," "I'm flat broke." "I can't take you to the doctor." " That's okay, Bobby." "The pain will go away when I bleed out and die." " I sure do wish you had dependable health coverage like I do." " I didn't know you had health insurance." " Yeah, after I spent all that money on your medical bills and went broke, I qualified for obamacare." "It's awesome." " Too bad there ain't no way to get on your policy." " Well, there is one way." " I now pronounce you husband and husband." "Have fun in hell." "[Cheers and applause]" " Well, good news, bodean, you got insurance now, because we're officially married." " It ain't official until we consummate it." "[Screaming]" " Connie, you're lucky they didn't commit you." " I was telling the truth the whole time." "Barack really does want me." "[Cell phone ringing]" "Hello?" " Connie, I'm sorry I got swept away last night." "I'll be back for that flappy ass soon." "In the meantime, I sent a present to tide you over." " Let me guess." "That was "Barry," right?" " Yep, and he said he sent me a present." "I wonder what it could-- [Cell phone beeps]" "Ew." "Gross." "Obama sent me a dick pic." " It's just a black screen." " It's a close up." " [Screams]" " [Gibberish]"