""Igloo, yurt, teepee"-- this is crazy." "Who has those things?" "Wow, people rent those out?" "I don't know." ""Cave"?" "Cave, for real?" "That's wild." "Cave?" "(laughs)" "All right, property type?" "Loft." "Room type?" "Private room." "Let's see... yup." "Price?" "75?" "More." "More?" "Yeah." "How much?" "150." "150?" "What?" "Dang." "Okay." "Okay, that's steep." "Okay." "It's still cheaper than a damn HoJo." "And what's more-- you want to pay our rent or not?" "We gonna be ballin'." "That's cool, that's cool." "Description?" "I got this." ""Come stay with us" ""in our sleek, hand-built loft space two blocks from the L train."" "Bienvenido." "Buenas." "My llamo Candy." "Qué bueno." "That's nice." "It's intimate." "Yeah, exactly." "Well, I hope you enjoy." "(Australian accent) We're going to go see some free comedy in Times Square." "Do you want to come?" "You should definitely come." "Candy:" "Uh, we're busy." "But I'm here." "Yeah, you are." "Time for cocaine, yeah?" "Man (muffled):" "That's how you like it!" "Did you like me to help you?" "(knocking)" "Man:" "I'm sorry." "What's the wifi password?" "It was something unimaginative." ""Internet."" "Grab the chicken too." "Awesome." "See ya, Candace." "(man speaking French)" "(slurping)" "Okay!" "(shouting in French)" "Will you get some dish soap when you go to the store tomorrow?" "Candy:" "I just bought some." "Oh, my god!" "I invite you to my party tonight!" "Whoo!" "It's here." "(music, chatting)" "(silence)" "Candy:" "Oh, awesome." "The Australians used all of my expensive argan oil as well." "You know the new guy-- the short guy with the beard?" "Yeah." "What about him?" "He leaves his poops in the toilet." "It's like he doesn't know how to use the flusher." "Oh, fuckin' sick." "Well, why don't you talk to him about it?" "Hola?" "Hello?" "I said, could you please talk to him about it?" "Boo, you're just better at it than me." "Are you kidding me, papi?" "I can't be the only one who's the bad guy all the time." "I mean, we've got all these fuckin' bobos livin' up in our house." "I can't be the one who's like, "Please don't smoke." ""Please don't eat all our food." "Please put on some fucking pants."" "I know, I know." "Well, what are you gonna do?" "I mean, I need you to be my teammate here." "We're trying to be adults." "Isn't that what we said?" "We're going to be adults this year and live by ourselves." "And I don't know how else we're going to pay the rent unless we do this." "I mean, seriously, what do you want to do?" "You want to move to Brownsville?" "You want me to move back to West Virginia?" "No." "I can just go live in a trailer and just go live next to my grandma and we can just end this whole thing." "No, no..." "Boo, boo, listen." "Why don't we call The Guy?" "That doesn't solve the problem." "But you might like it." "Only if I can get some titty first." "Oh, you gonna have to do better than that to get some titty." "What you talkin' about?" "I can get titty whenever I want." "No, you can't." "This is-- I'm not a piece of meat." "Yep." "I know how it is, man." "John:" "Yeah, stress, full-time..." "I'll move you last so that we can hang out." "Aw, that sounds good." "All right, man." "All right." "See you, brother." "Is that a good book?" "Man:" "Think we had a real breakthrough..." "Thank you so much." "Oh, Penelope, excellent work today." "I'll see you next week." "Okay." "You're late." "Uh, Robert, would you excuse me a minute?" "This'll just take a second." "Okay?" "Sorry, guys." "Take a look at chapter eight." "Chapter eight, okay." "Hey, what the fuck?" "I'm sorry, dude." "It's busy." "Doesn't matter." "That relationship's fucked." "Hey, do you have any more of that Headband?" "I love that Headband." "I'm never doing a service job again." "Ever." "Mm-mm." "Nope." "I mean, this is kind of a service job, but it's not-- No, it's different." "It's not really the same thing." "It is nothing like this." "Okay, so it's Sunday, 11:30... (chuckles)" "I'm waiting tables by myself." "And in come these two people who, immediately," "I'm like, "Oh, y'all are Appalachian white trash."" "I can say that because I am that." "Okay, so they're, like, already wasted." "Okay?" "But, like, I'm, you know, bored and alone." "So I'm trying to engage them." "And I'm like, "Oh, where y'all from?"" "They say, "West Virginia." And I say, "No shit." "Where in West Virginia?"" "They say, "Oak Hill." I say, "No shit." "My dad is from Fayetteville,"" "which is, like, the next town over." ""Maybe we know the same people?" ""Uh, do y'all know Glenn?" "He doesn't have any front teeth." ""Do y'all know Allen, the old Navy Seal?" ""Do y'all know Trixie, my old stepmom?" "Do y'all know Cindy?" "We used to do our laundry at her house."" "And I'm, like, going through all the people I know." "And finally I say, "Oh, do y'all know my dad?" ""His name is Dwayne." "He used to guide-- white-water rafting guide at Fayetteville Adventures."" "And all of a sudden, she gets sketchy." "She's like, "I don't-- I don't know any of them people." "I don't-- mm" " I don't-- I don't know."" "And I'm like, well, that's weird." ""Okay, cool."" "And so, like, I bring them their enchiladas." "End of the evening, they pay their bill with their whopping 8% tip and they leave." "And about 10 minutes later, I'm, like, sitting there reading my Jane Austen novel and all of a sudden, she comes in and she's like, "Eh!" "Eh, little girl?" "Yeah, I know your dad." "Uhhh!"" "I mean, for real, with, like, tablets and iPhones and shit," "I mean, even learning the typography isn't going to be useful, let alone cursive." "Like, all of it's just so freeform, you know?" "Mmm." "Mm-hmm." "I don't know." "I like handwriting." "Still beautiful to see things people make by hand." "Well, mine looks like fuckin' chicken shit." "Hold on a second." "(music thumping)" "Hey, guys?" "Shut the fuck up!" "(music stops)" "Thank you, doodoo." "You're welcome." "Can I get some titty now?" "No, fuck off." "I'm full, I can't" "Come on, let me get some titty." "Oh, no, in the morning." "You're too full?" "You're too fat?" "No, you cook-- Oh!" "You cook me brunch" "Big mama don't want to give me no titty?" "(laughing) That is so rude." "Come on, baby!" "♪ There's nothing more ♪" "♪ But don't you know what I go through?" "♪" "♪ Oh, being alone ♪" "♪ Go being a logo that you can't go through ♪" "♪ All these troubles, they've been said to generate ♪" "♪ All the loneliness in you ♪"