"# Stick a pony in me pocket" "# I'll fetch the suitcase from the van" "# 'Cause if you want the best 'uns but you don't ask questions" "# Then, brother, I'm your man" "# 'Cause where it all comes from is a mystery" "# It's like the changing of the seasons and the tides of the sea" "# But here's the one what's driving me berserk." "# Why do only fools and horses work?" "#" "Potatoes, garlic, lemon grass..." "Lemon grass?" "Where will I get that from?" "We'll have to have it without." " What are you doing up?" "It's 6.30!" " I'm worried about tonight." "It's only your mum and dad coming for dinner." " It's not "only" my mum and dad." " Bringing the neighbours, are they?" "No, it's not that simple." "We didn't see each for years." "Didn't even talk!" "You've kissed and made up." "You and Damien went up for the weekend." "But they've never been here before." "I've never cooked for them before." "They've never met YOU before!" "I'll be right by your side, won't I?" "What did you tell 'em about me?" "I said your name was Derek." "That's about it, really." "With a bloke like me, that's all you need to know." "What are you gonna do us to eat?" "Lamb noisettes in red wine and cognac." "Don't fuss." "A bacon sandwich will do." "Oh, I see, for tonight!" "Oh, lamb in wine!" "Lovely jubbly!" " Morning, all." " Morning." "You promised to get another table and proper armchairs." "We can't eat there." "It's taken care of." "Denzil's coming later." "He'll clear this and drop off the new stuff." "I don't know why you're going to this bother." "I said we'd take 'em out to dinner." "I'm well in with the restaurant owner." "No, this is my home." "If they want me back in their lives, they have to get used to it." "Besides, "Spud-U-Like" is full every Friday." "I'll get some breakfast, then." " OK." "Can you check we've got cognac?" " OK." "Plenty of it." "Albert, what d'you want?" "It's early, but I'll have cognac, too." "No, you old git, that's for tonight." "Tell Raquel to stop fussing about the meal." "Don't worry." "We'll all lend a hand." " You do the meat, I'll do the gravy." " I'll do the veg." "A pint of water and a bucket of cabbage!" "I'm worrying about the lift working." "It broke down twice this week." "Cassandra can't climb the stairs after what she's been through." " Are they coming to dinner?" " I invited them," " but the way they are, who knows?" " They need to get out." " Rodney's out every night!" " He's got a lot on his mind." "How about Cassandra?" "She had the miscarriage." "She needs him there, not drinking in some pub or club." "She's a woman." "She's stronger than Rodney." "I mean, I've known Rodney all his life." "He's always had a problem facing up to things that hurt him." "He walks away, pretends it isn't happening, like he's doing now." "Soon as he gets it off his chest, he'll be fine!" " (PHONE RINGS)" " I'll get it." "Trotters' Independent Traders." "Cassandra!" "You're up early." "Why's that?" "You what?" "Oh, right." "Rodney was out last night." "Didn't get home till the early hours." "I know." "You were with him!" "Oh, yeah!" "You talk to her!" " I'll take it in the kitchen." " OK." "Rodney needs a counter-worry." " What?" " During..." "If you say "During the war" again, I'll pour this over you!" "I wasn't going to!" " OK, then." " Bloody know-all!" " All right!" "I'm sorry." " Thank you." "During the 1939-1945 conflict with Germany..." "..I was on a frigate, HMS Sphinx, in the Adriatic." "The ship's crew was full of stress and fear." "No wonder, when they saw you walk up the gangplank!" "Our old skipper used to allay those fears by creating a counter-worry." "One day, he said there was cholera on the ship." " That must have cheered you all up!" " It took their minds off the U-boats." "It's a good job he didn't join the Samaritans or you couldn't get a barge under Chelsea Bridge for bodies!" "He's still the same." "He's even stopped seeing the counsellor." "Albert reckons we should tell Rodney there's a cholera epidemic in Peckham" " to get him out of his mood!" " I said a counter-worry." "If Rodney had a friend or relative ill, he'd worry about them instead." "So when that person got better, Rodney would forget why he was first worried." " Exactly." " It's worth a try." " It has to be someone he cares for." " Damien." " A five-year-old can't act ill." " I could pretend to be ill." "But how would he know the difference?" "No, it's gotta be me." "That's him now." "We'll give it a whirl." "I'm ill, all right?" "Come on." " Morning." " Morning." "How's Cassandra?" " Fine, thank you." " Morning, Rodney." " How are you?" " I'm all right." " Del's not very well, Rodney." " I'll go home, then." "It's all right." "I might make a recovery." " We called the doctor in last night." " Are you wondering what he said?" "What?" "He said I would live but he didn't recommend it." "Right." "I'm worried, Rodney." "Has he ever suffered with pleurisy?" "Only when he's tried to spell it!" " I'll make a pot of tea." " OK, sweetheart." "Ah!" "I'll have a cu..." "(WEAKLY) Ooh!" "Ah!" "Raquel, can I have a cup of tea too, please?" " It's all right." "I'll get it." " Thank you, Rodney." "Thank you, Rodney." "Rodney, thank you." "Rod..." "The uncaring little git!" "I could be dying." "He doesn't care if I've got yellow fever or foot fungus!" " Rodders, what are you up to?" " Cataloguing stock for the computer." "The computer?" "We've discussed this before." "That's dangerous." "Anyone could hack in and find out what we got!" "If someone hacked into our computer, the police would arrest Mr Bean!" "Look, these are the entire records for Trotters' Independent Traders." "I began filing them 16 years ago, but you told me to stop it." "Because we don't need it." "It's all up here." "Squirrels ain't got computers but they know where their nuts are." "I'm noting everything and chucking the junk out." "Be careful." "One man's junk is another man's treasures." "We have Showaddywaddy LPs, a Triumph Herald tyre and an artificial limb." "They won't make big news on the "Antiques Roadshow"." "I dunno." "These LPs are collectors' items." "OK, let's see if we can flog them to a one-legged Showaddywaddy freak!" "If he turns up in a Triumph Herald, it's a result!" "Look, Rodney, what is the matter with you?" " What is the matter with me?" " Yes." " Didn't anybody tell you?" " Rodney, I'm sorry..." "My wife went to hospital a fortnight ago and we lost..." "Nothing's wrong." "Look, all right, Rodney, I'm sorry." "I didn't mean that." "A few weeks ago I dreamt that you and Damien ruled the world." "You owned companies, corporations, conglomerates everywhere." " It was horrible." " Sounds OK to me." "Do you know what I was?" "A messenger." "You and Damien were presidents and chairmen and I was a bloody messenger!" "I thought maybe it's a prophecy." "Like when King David saw seven fat cows and seven skinny ones." "No, that just sounds like The Nags Head disco!" "Get it?" "Seven fat cows and seven..." "Look..." " Nothing's ever gone right for me." " I know what you mean, Rodders." "I'd love a bit of good luck, Del." "Not just for me." "For all of us." "Just wish something good would turn up." "So would everyone, Rodney." "That's why they're all doing the Lottery." "I mean, look, if it were up to me, right, what I'd like to do, I'd like to say..." "Say this was life's lucky dip," "I'd like to just go..." "Da-da!" "There it is, look!" "That is gonna change our lives!" "But it won't, will it?" "Life is not like that." "No." "Have you tried to discuss this with Cassandra?" " Just leave it." " I'm trying to help." " You can't keep walking away from it." " I'm not!" " I'll take the stairs." " It's here now." "Don't bother." "I won't mention it again." "Look at the state of this." "What's going on in their brains?" "They're just a bunch of half-heads." "Look! "Del Boy is a sex machine."" "Who'd write something like that?" "I dunno!" ""Rodney Trotter..." The lying gits!" "What's happening?" "It's broken down!" "The lift is broken down!" " The poxy bleeding' council!" " What's up with you?" " It's broken!" "It ain't me." " Press the alarm button." "Eh?" "I'll do it." "I'll press the alarm button." "It's broken!" "It's not working either." "That's broken." "Hey!" "Open up here!" " Two blokes trapped in the lift!" " Don't get into a lather about it!" "Someone will want the lift, find it's not working and call the engineers!" "I just don't like being closed in like this!" " I never knew you was claustrophobic!" " I just don't like being closed in!" "Come on, Del." "Sit down on the floor and relax." " They'll be here soon." " Yeah, right, sit down." "Take it easy." "Calm down." "Just calm down!" "The oxygen falls to the bottom so we get cleaner air." "Good, good." "Your lifts are broken again." "We had to carry that up 12 flights of stairs!" " Del said him and Rodney would help." " Where are they?" "Dunno." "Listen, Raquel, it's not my fault." "Del asked me to deliver that table and store this." "Yes." " The table and chairs are on hire." " They gotta go back for a posh do at the town hall." " They're not here yet!" " Give 'em time." "Take it easy." "Yeah, all right." " Let's play a game." " Play a game?" "!" " Got a ball in your pocket?" " A different sort of game." " "I Spy"." " "I Spy"?" "!" "You can go first." "OK." "I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with "W"." " Walls!" " Right, that's the end of that, then!" " You choose a game." " What about "Hide and Seek"?" "You're acting like a kid just 'cause you're trapped in a lift." "Yes." "You don't know how I feel." "I feel..." "I feel sort of...frightened." " You don't know what that's like." " I don't?" "How do you think I've felt for the last few weeks since Cassie... since what happened?" "I don't know how you've felt, Rodney." "Well, frightened ain't the word." " Know what I did the other night?" " No, but I bet it was depressing!" "I read my diaries from when I was a kid." " See?" "I was right!" " No, not quite." "I actually noticed moments of hope within those pages." "Not many, just an occasional oasis of promise in a desert of pessimism." "They were simple hopes, as you'd expect at that age." "I hoped for hairs..." "..do well in my exams..." "I even hoped for a good job when I left school." "Well, you got hairs, didn't you?" "Think how Right Said Fred must feel!" "Me and Cass were so happy, Del." "We were looking forward and all we could see ahead was a wide highway and we were cruising down it." "All of a sudden, it came to a shuddering halt." "Just like this poxy lift." "Suddenly "Happy Families" became "Dungeons and Dragons"." "And I've never felt sodding pain like that in all my life." " Is Cassandra hurting?" " Of course she is!" "How do you know?" "You haven't talked to her about it." "No." "And do you know why?" "Because..." "It's almost as if...if I don't talk about it, it might not be true." " But it is." " I know." "But if I don't say it..." "If you don't say what?" "We lost our baby." "But you did." "And you have said it." "Yeah." "I said it." "You just..." "You shield yourself from it." "I've just been lying, haven't I?" "Yes." "And what about Cassandra?" "Nah." "Not her." "Cassandra can't tell a lie." "Raquel can." "The moment one leaves my lips!" "Both those lifts have broken down." " Is this what Del was talking about?" " Yes." "Cassie seems so fragile." "I wanted to cuddle her and talk to her about it but I was frightened I might sort of break her." "No." "She's strong, Rodney." "Look, it's just a dropped stitch in life's tapestry." "It's what Mum used to say." "What do I say to her, Del?" "Tell her exactly what you told me." "Leave out the bit about the hairs, if you like!" "Go home now and have a heart-to-heart." "And ask her if she wants to come to dinner tonight." "I can't." "I've got a real problem with that." " What is it?" " I'm stuck in a bloody lift!" "Oh, yeah." "Let's have another look at this thing." "Right." " The claustrophobia cleared up quick." " I'm over the worst." "Almost as quick as that flu you had earlier." "These things come and go." "Here's a switch." "(POWER RETURNS)" "You git!" "You stopped it!" "It was the only way to make you talk." "Can't run away in a broken lift." "You git!" "You... ..git!" "Come here!" "Come on!" " I must have forgotten something." " Calm down." "It's fine." " You'll have a hot flush." " I'm just so nervous." "Del, please don't use your French phrases." "Aren't they up on the French lingo?" "No. .." "The meat!" "I'll get the wine out the fridge." "Everything's going to plan." "Damien, don't do that!" "Dear, oh, dear!" "It's only plastic." "You'll break it." "I've made the gravy." "It's in the oven." " Thank you, Albert." " Damien, sit round there." "We go girl, boy, girl, boy, girl, boy and Uncle Albert." " (DOORBELL)" " What's that?" " It's them!" " I'll answer the door." "Lot of good you'd have been on the Russian convoys!" "Good evening." "Please come in." "You must be Raquel's parents." " Yes, my wife Audrey, and I'm James." " Lovely to meet you." "Follow me." " She did say he was older than her." " Not that much!" " Hi, Mum, Dad." " Darling!" " Nanny!" "Grandad!" " Here comes trouble!" "This is Derek's brother Rodney and his wife Cassandra." " James and Audrey." " Lovely to meet you." " Nice to meet you." "Hello." " And this is my..." "This is Derek." "Au revoir." "Au revoir." " Oh, you're Derek!" "We thought..." " We thought you were working tonight." "Not tonight." "Not on a special occasion like this!" "I've brought a rather nice port." " It's 15 years old." " Ooh, thank you." "15 years old?" "Watch out, it might have acne!" "OK, let's get started, shall we?" "Start off with a nice little aperitif." "Right?" "I'm knocking them bandy, aren't I?" " Right, there's the gravy." " Good." " Rodney, would you do the wine?" " Of course." " More wine, Audrey?" " Thank you." "James?" "No, I'm driving back to the hotel." "Get a cab and collect the car tomorrow." " Well?" " It's up to you." " What the hell?" "Pour away!" " That's the spirit!" "You can leave your car outside." " We'll put it in the garage." " Is it not safe?" "Not if you're attached to your wheels!" "So, here we go." "Excuse fingers!" "I'll get another bottle of wine." "So why don't you all, you know, chapelle a dent?" " So Albert was in the Navy?" " Very much so!" "I was in the Royal Navy." "First Officer." " You and Albert must have a chat." " After we've gone home." "It's going really well out there." "Had to open another bottle." "What are you doing?" " I've made the coffee." " What?" "It's too early!" " They haven't finished mains yet." " It don't usually take us that long." "I know." "That is because we are not golloping down a Big Mac and chips!" "We have guests." "We're taking our time." "We're savouring the food and ambience, sipping the wine and conversing." "They're having a chat between each mouthful." "It's sophisticated, it's civilised." "OK, don't worry." "I'll whack this in the microwave." "Just a minute." "What coffee did you use?" "That jar there." "This ain't coffee!" "It's bloody gravy!" "Yeah." "It's not my fault, it's them jars." "How am I to tell the difference?" "I'll tell you." "This one says "Maxwell House Coffee"." "This label says "Oxo Gravy Granules"." "It's a bit of a give-away, isn't it?" "I was in a hurry and I got mixed up." "I'll mix you up..." "Wait a minute!" "Wait a minute." "If you've made gravy in the coffee pot... what are they pouring over their dinners?" " This looks lovely." " Very nice." "Thank you." " All right?" " Wonderful!" "Cushty!" "They're only doing it!" "They're out there doing it now!" "They're only pouring Maxwell bleedin' House over their lamb noisettes!" "I don't believe you!" "Not only have you sunk every aircraft carrier and battleship you've been on, but now you've knackered a gravy boat!" " What can we do?" " I ain't having any of it!" "Hey!" " Wait for Daddy." " How long were you in the Navy?" "50 years." "Started in the Merchant, then the Royal, then the Merchant." " Amazing." "You must have some stories!" " Oh, God, yes." "Sorry, couldn't get the cork out of the wine." "Del?" "No!" "No, thank you." "I'm trying to give it up." " Not for me, dear." " Oh, you'll have some." "You know how you like your gravy!" "Git!" " Are you a naval man, Derek?" " No, I'm more of a leg man, myself." " Dad meant were you in the Navy?" " Oh, I see!" "No, I wasn't actually, James." "I did consider a career in the services..." " All right, Mum?" " Mmm!" "Hmm!" " Mmm." " This is horrible!" "I hope you won't be offended, darling, but I'm rather full up." " And me." " Me too." "There's afters to come." "Mandarin segments and Instant Whip." " No." " No, thanks." "All right." "Well, I'll fetch the coffee." " Ahoy there, Jimbo!" " Morning, Derek." " Rodney." " How are you?" "Fine." "Had a gippy tummy last night." " Thanks for looking after the car." " Ah, mange tout, mange tout!" "This is the Aladdin's Cave I've heard about." "Yes, as I said, you and I are in the same sort of business." "You're an antiques dealer and I've got some interesting things." "Yes." "Well, I've a long journey." "Come and visit us." "I will, you bet." "Mind how you go." "What's that?" " Um, it's a gas stove." " No, I mean on top of it." "It's an old watch I got out of a house clearance years ago." "Tell you what, I've got some great Showaddywaddy LPs." " Good Lord!" " I know, it's filthy, innit?" "Rodney, got any WD40 to give it a rub up?" "It has the name "Harrison" engraved in it." "See?" ""Harrison AD 1774"." "How did you come by this, Derek?" "Well, it was about 15 or 16 years ago." "An old girl down Deptford way owned a pawn shop." "She died, had no family, so they sold the shop." "Her landlord asked me to clear out her house." "I found that in the loft." " Is it any good?" " Good?" "!" "John Harrison was the finest watchmaker of his time, of any time." "If this is what I'm beginning to think it is..." " God, I'm shaking!" " You didn't have that much to drink!" "I need proof that this watch is your property." "A receipt?" "We don't keep receipts." "They just clutter the place up." "Do you reckon that's worth something?" "Assuming it's not a copy, yes." "16 years ago is when I started working for you." "Could we leave "This Is Your Life" to Michael Aspel?" "I meant I used to keep files then!" "Hold on." "Hold on." "I've always been very keen on horology." "I thought he was too good to be true." "He's gonna tell our fortune!" "No, "horology"." "He's an expert in watches." "Oh, that sort of horology." "I've got it!" "The receipt from the landlord." ""For two paintings, four jugs," ""one rocking chair, one silver fob watch engraved 'Harrison"'." "Good boy, Rodders." "I've always told you, "Always keep the receipts."" " What's this? "Victorian what?"..." " Thank you!" "Jimbo." " I've never been so excited." " Bet Audrey had a blinding honeymoon!" " What do you think it is?" " I'm too frightened to say it." "In the early 1700s, sea captains found it impossible to plot their positions until John Harrison invented the first accurate marine timekeeper." "It told seafarers exactly where they were on the globe." "He made many of them and we know where they are except the last one, "the lesser watch", as he called it." "We have his designs, but the watch itself was never found." "People have searched for it for 300 years!" " You don't think that's it?" " If it is, Rodney..." "God!" "Blimey!" "Raquel's old man's been on the phone to us..." "He's showed it to some experts and it's kosher!" "This watch has been missing for 300 years?" " The Harrison lesser watch." " So what is it?" "It's a watch!" "It's more than that." "It lets you know where you are anywhere in the world." "How'd it get lost, then?" "I don't know!" "It just did." "If I hadn't realised its full value, it could have ended up anywhere." "Yeah, like chucked on top of an old gas cooker." " It's being auctioned?" " Today, 2.30, at Sotheby's." "(ALL) Ooh!" "(TRIG) Ooh!" " So how much is it worth?" " They don't know." "Nothing like this has come up." "It could be ten grand!" " 15." " 20, maybe." "On your way back, drop by my showroom." "I've got two lovely Skodas, five grand each!" "You won't laugh when we come back." "So you could be famous - among watchmakers!" "Why not?" "Andy Warhol said everyone will be famous for 15 minutes." "How can everyone be famous for 15 minutes?" "There's not enough time." "No, he didn't mean everyone will be famous." "He was generalising." "People are famous for a while, then disappear." "Like Rene and Renata, Simon Dee..." "Or Gandhi." "Exactly." "So, you see, maybe this time, it's our..." "Gandhi?" "Yeah." "He made one great film and then you never saw him again." "No, let's go." "(MAN) 22,000. 24,000. 28... 30... 32... 35... 35,000... 38,000..." "One more bid?" "40,000." " The bid is ?" "40,000." " Is that ours?" " Don't be stupid!" " 45,000." "45,000." "I'm selling at 45,000." "Sold at 45,000." "Paddle number 674." " Now we come to lot 73." " (That's us!" ")" "A solid silver pocket marine timekeeper." "This was found in London by two brothers, who kept it for 16 years believing it to be a Victorian egg-timer!" "As you will know, this is the most significant horological discovery of this century." "The watch has been authenticated and accepted as being the last watch ever made by John Harrison." "It's the fabled H6, the until now mythical "lesser watch"." "I feel I need say no more." "I'd like to start the bidding at ?" "150,000." "200,000." "250." "Oh, dear." "When he said 150,000, that's when I come over real bad." "It went on, Del. 200,000, 250, three!" " That's when I dragged you out." " It ended up at ?" "300,000?" "!" " It's still going on!" " Let's get back!" "Three and a quarter." "The bid is in the room." "Three and a half." "350,000 quid!" "Three and three quarters." "Four." "Thank you." "The bid stands at four million pounds." "Four and a quarter..." "Four and a half million." "So... ..what was the final outcome?" "It was bought by an anonymous bidder." "He's giving it to the Maritime Museum so it stays in the country." "Yeah, well, that's nice, innit?" "No, you wally!" "What was the final score?" "What exactly did it go for?" "Oh!" "Um... 6.2 million." "So that's just over three million each." "Well, we've had worse days, haven't we?" "Yeah." "Do you want to go first, or shall I?" "Why don't we go together?" "Yeah." "OK." "One, two, three..." "Bring the family down." "Have your photo taken with it." "(CACKLES)" "It is beautiful, though." "Luxury and style." " Very me, don't you think?" " Yeah." " Buy it." " Shall I?" "You like it." "Buy it!" "No, no, no." "Not until that cheque is cleared." "This whole deal could go pear-shaped." "It's Sotheby's and the Greenwich Museum, not Ronnie and Reggie!" "I know." "But if this goes tits up, I'm landed with a 70-grand debt." "Yeah, I take your point." "Sit in a nice car." "See if it suits you." "All right, then!" "I will." "Yes, my son!" "Oh, yes!" "That Rolls-Royce there." "I wanna buy it." "That's a good 'un, Rodney!" "Tell me, what drugs are you on this week?" "(CACKLES...)" "A-hem!" "There you go!" "It's yours." " You what?" " The Roller's yours." "I just bought it for you." "You bought this Roller for me?" "Why?" "Little present." "Just to say thanks." "(GENIAL CHATTER)" "(PUB FALLS SILENT)" "Yes, sir, what can I get you?" "Champagne all round." "I've gone and left our wallets at home again!" " Sir, that is not a problem." " On the slate, Mike?" "On the house, Del." "No, Michael, we'll pay our way." "And we'll have all your sandwiches." " I'll get 'em." " I got some money here." "No, I'll get the sandwiches 'cause you bought the Rolls!" "# I'll light the fire" "# You'll place the flowers in the vase" "# That you bought today" "# Staring at the fire" "# For hours and hours" "# While I listen to you" "# Play your love songs all night long" "# For me" "# 0nly for me-e-e" "# Come to me now..." "Yes!" "# Everything is done" "# Such a cosy room" "# The windows are illuminated" "# By the evening sunshine through them" "# I'll reach out for you" "(SHIP'S HORN BLOWS)" "# 0ur house is a very, very, very fine house" "# With two dogs in the yard" "# Life used to be so hard" "# Now everything is easy 'cause of you" "# 0ur house" "# Is a very, very, very fine house" "# With two dogs in the yard" "# Life used to be so hard" "# Now everything is easy 'cause of you" "# I'll light the fire" "# You'll place the flowers in the vase" "# That you bought" "# Today-ay-ay-ay #" "(W0MAN) Del BoyI It's time to get up." "It's 7.30I" "All right, Mum." "It's your fault if you got a hangover." "You can't have today off." "You're taking your 11-plusI" "(MAN) I never raised a hand to your mother, except in self-defence." "(GRANDAD ) Your dad always said that Del would reach the top." "He also said that one day Millwall would win the CupI" "All right?" "Yeah." "What are you doing here?" "Raquel phoned." "Said you'd gone missing." "I said, "Wait for the ransom note to arrive." She said, "Go and find him."" "I guessed you'd be here." "Just taking one last look at the old place." "Funny, just think of all them years." "Us scrimping and scraping." "Going out at all hours trying to earn a few bob to put some grub on the table." "And all the time down in that garage we had this famous thing worth six million quid." "It had crossed my mind, and all!" "Still..." " Put the flat on the market yet?" " No, not yet, no." "No, I just didn't have the heart to." "You know, when you think about Mum and Grandad." "Yeah, I'll do it in a couple of weeks." "I'll give it to some estate agent." "I'll let them have the carpet." "Yeah." "They won't mind." "Talking about that, I called into the travel agents the other day." "Booked us all a holiday in Barbados." "It's all right, it's my treat." "Nice!" "Flying first class?" " Concorde." " Even better." "Shame about Albert's boat, wasn't it?" "Stupid place to put a bridge, wasn't it?" "I thought that." "Right over a river like that." " So how are you?" " Me?" "Oh, I'm..." "You know, wonderful!" "Everything's coming up roses." "All right, what's wrong?" "I always wanted to be a millionaire, Rodney." "I always wanted a Rolls-Royce and a big house in the country and jet off to the Caribbean and all that." "You've got it!" "I know." "But it's not like I thought it would be." "You know?" "All the dreaming and the scheming and the chasing and the trying... ..that was the fun part." "It was like, it was dangerous." "It was impossible!" "It was like Columbo sailing away to find America..." "..not knowing whether he was gonna fall off the edge of the world." "That's how I used to feel." "You fell off a couple of times!" "Yeah!" "Once a month, bruv." "Once a month, regular." "Now I've..." "Now I've done it, achieved what I wanted... ..the chase, you know, it's finished." "The hunt is over." "What am I gonna do now?" "Learn to play golf?" "Well, you got the trousers for it, at least!" "Why not just enjoy your retirement?" "I don't want to enjoy my retirement!" "I wanna feel like I used to feel, all eager and alive." "You know, I want something exciting to happen." "Dear, oh, dear!" "What are you doing?" "I thought you was a ghost!" " Never did manage this haunting lark!" " Why are you here?" "Never mind us!" "What are you doing here?" "I came back for some of my belongings." "I wanted a last look at the flat before you sell it." "Well, we've had a good look, eh?" "Come on, let's lock up and go." "(PHONE RINGS)" "We must have forgot to tell British Telecom we'd gone." "Hello?" "Who?" "Oh, hello, Lennie!" "How you doing, pal?" "All right?" "Lennie Norris." "Do what?" "Really?" "Hang on." "Listen, he's got 250 electronic carpet steamers, right?" "Listen, they retail at 115 quid." "He'll let us have 'em for 25 nicker." "We're not in the business any more!" "I know." "Rodney, we can double our money on this!" "Derek, can you hear me over those trousers?" "We're not in the business any more, mate." "Lennie?" "No, we're not interested." "Trotters' Independent Traders has ceased trading." "Bonjour." "(DEL) Oh, well." "Tell you what." "Fancy going to the Golden Dragon for a Chinese?" " Yeah, I'm a bit peckish." " I could do with a sweet and sour." "All right, then." "Tell you what, Rodders." "Let's leave the cars here, shall we?" "Yeah, all right." "Mange Dieu!" "Mange Dieu!" " What a fool I've been!" " What's wrong now?" "Here I am thinking now we've got all this money that means the end of it." "But it don't!" "It's like the beginning!" "Because for the first time in our lives, we've got money to invest!" " No!" " Dangerous business, investment." "Rodders, all those years you said we should be investing." " I never said that." " It must be me, then." "One of us got it right." "Now we can invest big time in the futures market." "We can get into Hong Kong, Singapore, Peking!" "I don't want to invest, all right?" "Rodders, have I ever let you down?" " Yes!" " When?" "You told me I'd won a holiday in a painting competition, but forgot to mention that for the week I'd have to pretend to be 14!" "That's always been your problem!" "You're always dwelling on the past." " Mum said on her deathbed..." " Don't you start on about that!" "She said to me on her deathbed," ""If you and Rodney become rich, you must invest in the futures market."" "Liar!" "There wasn't a futures market when Mum was alive!" "That shows you how visionary she was!" "Come on, Rodney." "This is our chance!" "He who dares wins." "This time next year, we could be billionaires!" "# We've got some half-price cracked ice and miles and miles of carpet tiles" "# TVs, deep freeze and David Bowie LPs" "# Ball games, gold chains, what's-their-names and at a push" "# Some Trevor Francis tracksuits from a mush in Shepherd's Bush" "# Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush" "# No income tax, no VAT" "# No money back, no guarantee" "# Black or white, rich or poor," "# We'll cut prices at a stroke" "# God bless Hooky StreetI" "# Viva Hooky Street" "# Long live Hooky StreetI" "# C'est magnifique, Hooky StreetI" "# Magnifique, Hooky StreetI" "# Hooky StreetI"