"Su" "Subtitle = F" "AMERICAN PIE" "Oh, you're so good." "Oh, yes. I am the best, baby." "That was a tit." "That is a tit, yes." "Oh, you're so big." "Oh, yeah." "That's right, baby." "Doggy wants to hide his bone." "I'm bone smuggling, baby." "Man, would you shut up?" "I just wanted to say sweet dreams." "Yeah, good night, Mom." "Kiss good night." "Something wrong with the reception?" "Yeah, yeah. I'm trying to watch this nature show." "...and the birds are all scrambled." "Do me!" "Ride me like a pony." "The thing must be broken." "I sat on the remote." "Ready for bed?" "All set." "l think he's trying to watch an illegal channel." "Illegal channel." "This is just bad reception." "Spank my hairy ass." "What?" "Oh, baby." "Here." "Just give me this, please." "Oh, my God!" "Okay, let's uh..." "What's wrong with this." "Illegal channel?" "Shit." "If there's one channel that should be illegal, it's that woman's channel Lifetime Supply of Pantyhose or some shit." "Did you see "The Little Mermaid" on TV." "No?" "That Ariel is so hot, man." "She's a mermaid, dude." "Not when she's on land." "Vicky, it's Stifler's party." "It'll be great." "All that'll happen is a bunch of people will get drunk and do it." "Yeah." "Open it, Kevin." "It's a big, thick envelope, Vicky." "You got in." "Just open it." "Fine." ""Dear Ms. Latham:" "I'm sorry, but after putting you on a waiting list we've decided you are now rejected."" "Shut up." "You got in." "I love you." "Okay." "Should I wear this shirt to the party?" "You've worn that shirt for 3 days." "Guys, she said it." "Said what?" "That she loves me." "Oh, shit!" "The "L" word?" "Cornell's not that far from U of M." "Yeah, only 7 hours." "And you get to drive across Canada." "Beautiful country." "Whatever. lt's doable." "Today in band instead of playing regularly, let's play backwards." "That'll be so funny." "You're talking about a post-high school, long-distance relationship." "You and Kevin haven't even done it yet." "That's not why we're going out." "What would he drive to Cornell for Milk and cookies?" "We're going to have sex-when we're ready. lt has to be perfect." "I want the right time, the right place." "It's not a space shuttle launch." "It's sex." "Finch." "The man we are looking for." "What's going on?" "Same old." "Finch, you got the Latin homework?" "Canis meus id comedit." "It means, "My dog ate it"." "It's Latin." "A joke." "A Latin joke." "Just drink your coffee, Finch." "No, it's a mochaccino." "I'm drinking mochaccino, not coffee." "Nova!" "What's up?" "You coming to the party tonight?" "If my date wants to go." "I'm working on something new." "Here's something new." "How about you guys locate your dicks remove the shrink-wrap, and use them." "Dude, it's going to happen." "She's a college chick." "Right." "See you tonight. I'll look for you in the "No Fucking" section." "I'm shooting for a 9:00 ETA." "Beer in hand by five after." "Breath check?" "Please." "I wish you wouldn't do that." "Got a plan for tonight?" "It is a foolproof plan, my friend." "I have a question for you." "You know Nadia, the Czechoslovakian chick?" "She may be there tonight." "Do you think she'd prefer Laid Back Jim, or Cool Hip Jim." "It doesn't matter with that shirt you're wearing." "Well, you have a girlfriend and you're stuck on third base." "At least I know what third base feels like." "You're still a bat boy." "What are you talking about?" "Guys what does third base feel like." "You want to take this one?" "Like warm apple pie?" "Yeah." "Apple pie, huh?" "McDonald's or homemade?" "Gentlemen, destiny awaits." "That's number five and six for the Stifmeister." "Holy Lord." "Nadia, buenos dias." "Glad you could make it." "I'll be back for you later." "Now the party's starting!" "Welcome to Stifler's palace of love." "The keg's back there." "Enjoy." "Vicky, Jessica, glad you could make it." "Bitches." "Sherman!" "What the fuck are you doing here?" "Fellas, what's going on?" "Not much." "Just scoping the babes." "Indeed." "Some fine ladies here, boys." "Confidence is high." "Repeat, confidence is high." "Sherman is moving to DEFCON Two." "Full strategic arsenal waiting for deployment." "You have something planned?" "You see that Central chick?" "Brunette?" "Um... no." "She's around." "Seems she's taken a liking to me." "It's time she experienced the Sherminator." "Okay, Sherman." "Whatever." "I'm a sophisticated sex robot, sent back through time to change the future for one lucky lady." "Go, tiger." "I'll be back." "Hopeless." "Completely." "Hey, Vic." "Oh, shit." "Guys, guys." "There's Nadia and she just looked at me." "She looked at me." "Go talk to her." "You're right. I should go talk to her." "I could do that." "Sure." "Kev?" "That's great." "See you later." "We're here for the party." "What party?" "There's no party." "Come on!" "Party!" "Weird." "Try down the street." "So, what's your major?" "Postmodern feminist thought." "Cool." "Great night, isn't it?" "There's something about springtime that's just cool." "Like the smell of fresh rain or something." "Suck me, beautiful." "What?" "Suck me, beautiful." "My friends call me Nova." "As in Casanova." "That's pathetic." "You don't have to laugh at me." "You just need to learn a bit." "Like what?" "Tone it down." "You don't need to spout off cheeseball lines to be romantic." "Okay." "Pay attention to a girl." "Be sensitive to her feelings." "Relationships are reciprocal." "Come on, Casanova--l'll take you back to your friends." "Do you think it's time to take the next step in our relationship?" "Tonight?" "It's such a perfect evening. lsn't this how you always pictured it?" "Man, my farts fucking stink." "Dude, you got to take a shit!" "You smell like a Yeti." "Or not." "Just relax." "You actually said that?" "Shut up." "You did better than I did with Nadia." "Thanks." "That's really reassuring." "No problem, Nova." "Don't call me Nova anymore." "I'm a fraud." "You guys are pathetic. I'm going to find myself a hottie." "Suck me, beautiful!" "Let me know." "Keep going." "I should be able to talk to girls." "I'm articulate." "I scored 720 on my SAT Verbal." "Bullshit." "I kid you not, man." "Listen." "Copious." "Verisimilitude." "Now." "Suck me, beautiful!" "Damn it, Stifler." "Checkout time!" "Please vacate." "You are suck a jerk!" "There are so many cool people at this party." "And you got a keg, too." "Wow." "Indeed." "Wait--l left my beer downstairs." "Here, babe." "Thanks." "You're really beautiful." "Really?" "Oh, yeah." "I don't know if I should be doing this." "Doing what?" "Well, if we hook up tonight tomorrow you'll just tell all your friends." "No way." "Steve, at least look at me when you say that." "Sarah I wouldn't go telling stories about you." "I promise." "So just relax." "Take it slow and let the good times roll." "Okay." "All right." "What's wrong?" "What's wrong?" "What is it?" "Xenophobic." "Regurgitation." "l know that one." "Kevin likes it." "He likes getting head." "Gee, what a shocker." "What about you?" "Have you never had one with Kevin, or never had one, period?" "I've had one." "I think." "That's a no." "No wonder you're not psyched about sex." "What about manually?" "l've never tried it." "Never clicked your mouse?" "Nice." "Jesus, Stifler, how much did you drink?" "Hey, Stifler, how's the pale ale?" "Fuck you." "That's Stifler's mom?" "I cannot believe such a fine woman produced a guy like Stifler." "Dude, that chick's a milf." "A what?" "M.l.L.F. Mom I'd Like to Fuck!" "Yeah, dude!" "Hey, guys, guys." "Come here." "What's going on, Sherman?" "Do you think you fellas could try a little tact?" "I got company... if you know what I mean." "She's hot." "If Sherman has sex before I do, I'll be really pissed." "Sherman?" "The Sherminator?" "milf!" "milf!" "milf!" "milf!" "Dude, what are you doing?" "My God, bro." "Dude." "Enough of this blow job bullshit." "I got to get laid." "Nice." "Really, really nice." "Can I have a ride?" "Vicky, wait." "Not for you." "Yeti!" "I am the Yeti!" "Morning, gentlemen." "Where were you last night?" "What about the foolproof plan?" "I was going for a fashionably late entrance, but I was too late." "So no ladies left." "It was a very special night." "A very special night." "Guys, guys." "I'll never forget this." "Me, either." "Thank you." "Well, bye." "Fellas, say good-bye to Sherman the boy." "I am now a man." "I highly recommend you join the club." "We were doing the wild thing..." "all night." "I'm exhausted." "How the hell did you do that?" "It was just my time." "It was just my time." "Best of luck to you, boys." "I cannot believe this." "Come on, guys." "We should be happy for Sherman." "No, we shouldn't." "I've put in months of time with Vicky." "Sherman meets a chick for one night and scores." "This is wrong." "No shit." "How am I going to become Mr. Sensitive Man?" "We're all going to go to college as virgins." "I bet there's special dorms for people like us." "I have an idea." "But it has to stay between us." "We just have to make an agreement." "More than an agreement." "A bet?" "A pact." "No money involved." "More important than a bet." "Here it is:" "We all get laid before we graduate." "It's not like I haven't been trying." "Think of when you work out." "You have to have someone there to keep you motivated." "That's what we'll do for each other." "We'll keep each other on track." "Separately, we are flawed and vulnerable." "Together, we can master our sexual destiny." "Their kung fu is strong." "But our dragon style will defeat it." "The masters from East and West must fight and find out who is number one." "Guys, you're ruining my moment here." "Our manhood is at stake." "We must make a stand here and now." "No longer will our penises remain flaccid and unused." "We will fight for every man who isn't getting laid and should be." "This is our day." "This is our time." "We will not watch history condemn us into celibacy." "Amen." "l like that." "We will make a stand." "We will succeed." "About time!" "We will get laid." "The sex." "It must be valid, consensual sex." "No prostitutes, if you were planning that, Finch." "Busted." "So, basically, prom is our last chance." "Prom sucks." "l know." "But think of all the parties afterwards." "The chicks will want to do it." "He's right." "It's like tradition or something." "Like the Rose Bowl." "So that gives us..." "Exactly three weeks to the day." "We will do this." "To the next step." "The next step." "FALLS VALLERY florists" "We Make Love Happen!" "Did you get the flowers?" "Your E Date Mailbox You have 00 Replies durex Enhanced Pleasure" "You'll get her back." "You think?" "Sure." "She likes you." "l like her, too." "Do you love her?" "You can't really ask me that." "You want to get her in the sack, say you love her." "That's how I was duped." "Jessica, I don't want to dupe her." "All right." "You need to learn how to press a girl's buttons." "Give her what she's never had." "What's that?" "Here's a hint." "Oh, Kev, oh." "Comprende?" "An orgasm?" "You got it, stud." "Well, I'm pretty sure I've given her a" "No, you haven't." "There was one time" "No." "Oh, man." "It's up to you, kid." "The big "L" or the big "O"." "Dickhead!" "You've got to see this." "Do You believe in magic?" "In a young girl's heart." "How the music can free you?" "Whenever it starts." "And it's magic if the music is groovy?" "It makes me feel happy." "What did you cocks do to him?" "I'll tell you about music?" "It'll free your soul." "But it's like trying to tell a stranger?" "About rock and roll." "Great." "See you next time." "Hey, guys." "Came to watch me in action?" "You sounded pretty good." "I think need your balls reattached." "Keep it down, dude." "Why the fuck are you here?" "This is an untapped resource." "Check it out." "These vocal jazz girls are hot." "Why did he join jazz choir so late?" "Maybe he's preparing for another senior year." "You guys, we don't even know him." "You dipshit." "You expect to score with some goody-goody choir girl priss?" "These chicks don't know me." "I can work the sensitive angle here." "It's just like that college chick said." "All you do is ask them questions and listen to what they have to say and shit." "I don't know." "That sounds like a lot of work." "Just a second." "Come in." "Jim, you're here." "I was just walking by your, uh, room and I was thinking, boy it's been a long time since we've had a father-son chat." "I almost forgot. I, uh, bought some magazines." "You can just flip to the center section." "Well, this is the, uh, female form." "They have focused on the breasts which are used primarily to, uh, feed young infants." "And also in, uh... in foreplay." "Right." "This is, uh Hustler." "And this is a much more exotic magazine." "They have decided to focus more on the, uh, pubic region." "The whole groin area." "Look at the expression on her face." "See what she's doing?" "She's kind of looking right into your eyes, saying:" ""Hey, big boy."" ""How you doing?"" "You see?" "Right." ""Shaved" is a magazine I'm not too familiar with." "But again, if you'll flip to the center section you'll see the detail that they go into in this picture here." "It almost looks like a tropical plant there." "Some underwater thing." "Do you know what a clitoris is?" "Oh, my God." "Yes, I know what it is." "Oh, I see." "You do." "You know everything." "I learned about it in sex ed." "You don't need to talk to me about that." "You know what?" "I'm sorry, okay?" "I'm sorry." "l'm sorry." "l'm sorry." "I shouldn't have gotten so hot." "You know what I'll do?" "I'll just leave these books here for you to peruse at your pleasure." "Wait!" "Well, safer than a tube sock." "Okay, that, uh... that was good." "See you at dinner." "Yeah." "See you at dinner." "So, this is your plan?" "I don't think girls are into the mini-golf thing." "I'm sure they're not." "There is one matter I need your cooperation in." "ln the spirit of the pact." "What is it?" "Whatever you hear about me, agree." "Tell the boys, too." "I have to go." "Sixteen minutes round trip." "Finch, it's senior year. lsn't it time you learned to take a dump at school?" "Have you seen the facilities it the school?" "Excuse me." "That's Paul Finch, right?" "You've seen him it the locker room." "So, my friends want to know--is it true?" "You know, that he's equipped." "I don't know." "Finch showers with his bathing suit on." "Actually, it is true." "The guy's huge." "He have a date for the prom?" "No, definitely not." "All right." "Thanks." "Oh, man." "So, I was thinking... if you could give me some brotherly advice." "If you knew some trick to make her" "Orgasm?" "What's good here?" "Try the spicy tuna handroll." "How do you do that?" "Never mind that." "Listen." "is all you want just getting her in bed?" "It'd be good to be able to return the favor." "I want her to enjoy things as much as me." "That's what I wanted to hear." "Now you qualify." "Qualify for what?" "You've just inherited the Bible." "It originated as a sex manual some guys got in Amsterdam." "Each year, it was passed on to one student who was worthy." "Now, it's full of stuff guys have added over the years." "You must keep it a secret and return it at the end of the year." "So now you know." "Good luck." "Do you believe in magic" "Don't you bother to choose lf it's jug band music or rhythm and blues" "Just go and listen lt'll start with a smile" "That won't wipe off your face?" "No matter how hard you try." "Your feet start tapping?" "And you can't seem to find." "How you got there." "Do you believe in magic" "Scooby-dooby doo bop Scooby-dooby dooby" "Dooby doo bop Yeah, magic" "What was that?" "Sorry." "No, it was good." "Well, it came from the heart." "Well, keep it coming." "Good work, people." "Remember, the state competition is a couple of weeks away." "So keep on it." "Not bad, Chris." "Really?" "Thanks..." "Heather, right?" "So you've got the Frank Sinatra thing going." "Right. I feel like I've discovered a whole new side of me." "I mean, music is so expressive." "Okay." "But shouldn't you be out trying to decapitate someone with your lacrosse stick?" "Sure, I know what people think." ""Oz is just this kick-ass lacrosse player."" "I also play football, too." "But that's not all I am." "Of course not." "It really bothers me when people try to pigeonhole me." "You?" "You think I don't get that?" "Just because I don't get drunk and barf every weekend, people say:" ""There's that goody-two-shoes choir girl priss."" "Yeah." "So, what else do you do?" "The same things you do." "Hang out with friends and stuff." "What do you think I do?" "I just realized I don't know anything about you." "I was interested." "What do you want to know?" "You know, stuff... about you." "All right." "Mom, I'm home." "Jim-Apple, your favorite!" "I'll be home late." "Enjoy!" "Mom?" "Oh, yeah." "Jim?" "It's not what it looks like." "Well, we'll just tell your mother that we ate it all." "caution" " NOT FOR THE faint HOME OF THE FAMOUS TONGUE TORNADO" "Goal by number eight, Chris Ostreic her." "What are you doing here?" "Enjoying my first exhilarating lacrosse experience." "You kicked butt." "Thanks." "Uh, Chris" "You can call me Oz if you want." "Do I have to?" "Or Ostreicher." "What's your middle name?" "Forget it." " l won't tell anyone." " Well, neither will I." "Okay." "So, I had this thought." "It may seem like it's way out of left field." "I don't know if you can, but I'm not going with anyone so I though maybe you" "Those guys sucked ass!" "Choir chick, what are you doing here?" "Well, uh asking Chris to the prom." "Do you want to go?" "Yeah." "That would be great." "Don't expect Oz to pay for the limo." "Stifler, fuck!" "I mean why must you be so insensitive all the time?" "What?" "Whatever." "Remember--my cottage after the prom." "On Lake Michigan." "Wait up, you pussies!" "Well, I have to hit the showers now." "But I think this will be really good." "Yeah, me, too." "My man, Oz." "Working the choir chick?" "What can I say?" "I dig the cute sweaters she wears." "Yeah, baby!" "Spank me, daddy!" "Hit that high C!" "What's going on here?" "I was being selfish." "And majorly insensitive." "I'm a total idiot." "A fool." "A buffoon!" "I think "shithead" really says it." "You're right. I'm a shithead." "I want to make it up to you." "Oh, yeah?" "How?" "Your parents are downstairs." "Don't stop." "One second." "THE famous TONGUE TORNADO" "Hon, can you tell Vick to come down for supper?" "Holy shit!" "There's no lock on your door." "I'm coming!" "I'm coming!" "Oh, Jim." "Hi. I was just looking at the family portrait here." "That was a fun day, wasn't it?" "Yeah, yeah." "Jim, I want to talk about masturbation." "I just want you to know that it's a perfectly normal thing." "And I have to admit, you know I did a fair bit of masturbating when I was younger." "I used to call it, uh, stroking the salami." "You know, pounding the old pud." "I never did it with baked goods." "Your Uncle Mort pinched the one-eyed snake five, six times a day." "It's like practice for the big game." "You see?" "It's like banging a tennis ball against a brick wall--which can be fun." "It can be fun." "But it's not a game. lt's not a game." "What you want is a partner to return the ball." "Do you want a partner?" "Yeah, yeah." "You do want a partner?" "l want one." "You want a partner?" "Good." "Good." "Good." "So once Hal becomes king, he must accept those responsibilities and turn his back on his old drunken friend, Falstaff." "Hal is going through a rite of passage, as you all are." "So make the most of the time you have left together." "So does your tongue cramp up?" "No." "You get kind of dizzy, though." "That's amazing." "She'll probably want to do it soon." "Class dismissed." "Still questing after the Holy Grail, guys?" "Where's Finch?" "He went home to take a shit." "I don't get it." "How does he get this sudden reputation?" "What reputation?" "Observe." "Excuse me." "Do you know who Paul Finch is?" "He's the guy with the tattoo." "The eagle and the blazing fire and all that." "If you guys see him, tell him Courtney says hi." "Bye." "Okay." "Explain." "I can't. I don't know how he's doing it." "I guess that leaves Jim trailing." "Ah, Jimbo." "Better stack up." "l'm working on it, okay?" "You are good in world history class, yes?" "Me?" "Yes." "No." "Yes, I am." "Perhaps you could help me with my studies." "Absolutely." "That would be great something." "How about tomorrow?" "Well, I have ballet practice." "Perhaps I could come by your house afterward." "I could change clothes at your place." "Yeah. I suppose that would be okay." "Nice car." "I'm glad you think so." "You don't like it?" "No, I like the car." "But about prom?" "That was a bad idea. I'm sorry I invited you." "What do you mean?" "I asked you because I though you might actually be worth going with." "But you are just a jock." "No, wait--you're a jerk." "I don't understand." "I saw you making fun of the me with your lacrosse buddies." "Heather, I wasn't" "Give me a break." "You're full of it." "Fuck me!" "There will be an Eastman European chick naked in your house and you're doing nothing?" "What am I going to do, broadcast her over the Internet?" "Yeah." "You can do that?" "No." "I cannot do that to her." "Jim, get some fucking balls." "If you haven't the guts to photograph a naked chick how will you sleep with her?" "I don't like him, but he's right, Jim." "See?" "Even Shitbreak know you should do it." "Just set up some sort of private link on the Net and tell me the address." "Send me the address, too." "I'll save you a seat." "How sweet it is to be loved by you I needed the shelter of someone's arms" "There you were I needed someone to understand My ups and downs" "There you were" "That was good." "But I want to thicken up the solo." "Michigan State is Saturday and I want that part to smoke." "Yeah, my timing is off." "It's not that." "But it will work better as a duet with a tenor." "I'll do it." "Dick." "l'll do it." "Great." "See you tomorrow." "Why are you doing this?" "Because I want to." "Well, you can't fake this." "You'd better practice." "Come in." "There's a young lady here to see you." "Nadia." "James." "Ready to study?" "He always is." "He's a real bookworm." "Dad." "I mean, he's not one of those nerdy guys" "Dad." "Well, I'll let you two hit the books." "Want a beer?" "There we go." "Come on, move!" "Steve!" "It's my computer and I want to use it!" "Shut up." "You need to change, right?" "You mind?" "No, not at all." "Please, just go ahead and get un-, get changed." "I'll go downstairs and start studying up." "All right." "Now we're in business." "Back is a sec." "Jimmy, honey." "Here she is." "I miss anything?" "No, you are just in time." "This is incredible." "Oh, my God." "This is too much." "You see?" "There that goes.?" "Oh, jeez." "God bless the Internet." "Take it of." "Oh, my God." "Thank you, God, for this wonderful day." "Man, she takes her vitamins." "Stop hyperventilating." "This is the coolest thing I've ever seen." "I know." "This was one of Stifler's best ideas ever." "What" " She's touching my stuff." "Why is she doing that?" "Let her touch." "She's in my stuff." "Nadia can touch anything she wants." "Oh, no." "Oh, no." "Nice collection, Jim." "She's going to leave." "She's going" "She's lying down." "She's not leaving." "She reads the articles." "She's going downstairs." "Oh, my God!" "Jackpot, baby!" "Unbelievable." "I have an announcement." "There is a gorgeous woman." "masturbating on my bed!" "Thank you, Nadia." "If you ever had a chance with Nadia, this is it." "What am I supposed to do?" "Seduce her." "What would I say?" "Go back and ask her if she needs an extra hand." "That's stupid." "It's not stupid!" "You're stupid if you don't go!" "Come on!" "Go!" "She's primed!" "Get out of here!" "She's waiting." "Okay. I'm going." "Go!" "l'm going, I'm going!" "Hey, Mom." "Hey, Dad." "Oh, Boy." "Oh, God." "Oh, crap." "Oh, no." "Jim addressed the E-mail wrong." "It went to every mailbox in the East High Directory." "God, how juvenile." "Hey, guys." "Check this out." "Oh, my God." "Wow." "Please, God let this be it." "Please." "Someone's coming in." "There - that's what you need to do." "That guy's in my trig class." "Looks like you need an extra hand." "Jim!" "Shame on you." "Shame on me. I'm so sorry." "I'm just going to go." "You have seen me." "Now it's my turn to see you." "Strip." "Strip?" "Slowly." "You mean like strip-strip?" "For me?" "What are they talking about?" "No idea." "Come on, Jim." "People are viewing." "Get to business." "Perfect." "Move, James, move!" "Go, trig boy!" "It's your birthday." "Please, God." "That's bad." "What happened?" "All right." "Get in the mix." "Okay." "That is disgusting." "What the fuck is this?" "Cut it out." "Freak." "He did not take out that chair." "Yeah, he did." "More, more, you bad boy!" "Oh, yeah. I'm bad." "I'm naughty, baby." "Oh, God." "Now..." "Oh, yeah." "Here we go." "He's in." "This just got a lot better." "Be gentle." "Jim?" "Oh, no." "Oh, no." "Oh, no." "Houston, we have a problem." "What happened?" "What did he do?" "He blew it." "I guess I'll go now." "No, no. I'm not done, Nadia." "I have, uh... reserves." "Nadia, please. I'm begging you." "Well, I do like your dirty magazines." "You do?" "Okay, well did you see this one?" "This here is your more exotic, risque magazine." "Here's the porn." "He's desperate." "Jim, just wait till she leaves." "Very arousing women." "They arouse me." "They arouse me very much." "But they're not as arousing as you." "Oh, Jim." "Oh, God." "He's re-engaging!" "So, um... "shaved" is the expression?" "Holy shit." "Holy shit!" "Holy shit!" "Holy shit!" "Touch me, Jim." "Here." "Again?" "!" "Not again." "Not again." "is that possible?" "What a loser." "I needed someone to understand My ups and downs" "There you were" "With sweet love and devotion" "Deeply touching my emotion I just want to stop" "And thank you, baby" "Hey, minuteman." "Shut up." "You're supposed to be supportive." "You think you still got a chance with Nadia?" "No." "Her sponsors here saw the thing on the Net." "A don't think they liked it." "How do you know?" "She's on a plane back home." "Maybe I'm just not good with girls, period." "Really." "Like I was born without that pert of the brain." "I can't talk to girls, and when I do, I screw it up." "Come prom, those excuses will do you no good." "One time at band camp, we weren't supposed to have pillow fights, but we did." "It was so much fun." "And this one time we lost our music and we were supposed to play this song, but we didn't know it." "So we just made it up and we kept playing and playing." "The conductor didn't know what we were doing. lt was so funny." "You're pissed about something, huh?" "Know what I do when I'm angry?" "I play Back on my flute." "Very relaxing." "I learned that at band camp." "Hold on." "You have no idea why I'm angry?" "Because we have a test tomorrow?" "I get cranky when I have a test to study for." "Yeah." "That's pretty much it." "I thought so." "This one time at band camp" "What's your name?" "Michelle." "Michelle, um will you be my prom date?" "You seriously want to go with me?" "Yes, seriously." "Can we go to Stifler's party afterwards?" "That would be so cool." "Sure Whatever you want." "Cool." "We'll have such a good time." "Like this one time at band camp, we all had a campfire..." "How'd you know I was here?" "Stifler told me." "You talked to Stifler?" "I needed to find you." "We have to work on that song." "Okay." "I'm glad you came by." "So, you work nights?" "My dad's the manager." "Really?" "Cool." "Tell him the subs are great." "So, You're going to Michigan next year?" "My parents want me to go to Northwestern but I don't want to do those extra essays." "How do I know what my most "emotionally significant" moment was?" "So when my U of M acceptance came in December, I said the hell with it." "Onions?" "Do you want onions?" "Oh, no, thank you." "What are you majoring in?" "State has a good business school." "And I can walk on the lacrosse team." "Wow." "You've got it figured out then." "Well, business is okay, and lacrosse is awesome but what would I be, a professional lacrosse player?" "I mean, I have no idea." "Thank God." "I thought I was the only one." "You're not." "So, we'll be close next year." "You mean East Lansing and Ann Arbor?" "What?" "I can't go to the prom with you." "I'm holding out for someone else." "You've got to be kidding." "It's a long shot, but I figure Paul Finch might ask me." "Finch." "Shitbreak." "Oh, gosh. I forgot." "I mean, you look okay." "I mean, the scars healed really well." "Hey, Stifler." "Eat shit." "What was that all about?" "He's embarrassed because Finch kicked his ass." "Who told you that?" ""No comment"?" "Did you two hook up?" "What?" "No." "Then how did all this get started?" "I guess I can tell you now." "His reputation isn't going anywhere." "Cheese, please." "Finch comes to me and says, "l need your help." "Blah, blah, et cetera." "So, I say, "Play me $200 and I'll tell some girls you're dynamite in bed." "So he did and I did." "That actually works?" "Duh." "Of course." "And I embellished a little bit." "Did you hear he had an affair with an older woman?" "No, I didn't hear that one." "That one was my favorite." "Thank you, baby" "How sweet it is to be loved by you" "Oh, my God." "You're gay!" "Come on, sing it with me." "No." "You've been singing that shit all week." "You try that at M.S.U. Saturday, I'll kick your ass." "Our last game is Saturday." "No shit." "I have an important lacrosse game." "It's our last game." "Central almost beat us last time." "I want to kick their ass." "But the game's at State so afterward I can stop by." "So you can't sing in the competition." "I'm sorry. I really blew it." "That's okay." "You should do what makes you happy." "Okay." "Thanks for understanding." "So, I guess I'll see you later." "Hey, Kevin." "You seen Shitbreak?" "Why?" "What did you do to him?" "Me?" "Nothing." "He kicked my ass." "But I'll tell you one thing." "He'll have no problem shitting in school anymore." "I put laxative in his mochaccino." "Oh, God." "Rights this way, sir." "Oh, God." "Come on." "Oh, no." "It'll be fun." "There'll be a crappy band and stupid decorations." "You're just saying that because you don't have a date." "No, no. I don't want a date." "Finch is going stag, and so am I." "God, he is so refined." "Could that older woman thing be true?" "Yeah, it's true." "It was Stifler's mom." "Joanie, was that you?" "Can't hold it." "Yeah!" "Kev, I think we've come a really long way since Homecoming." "Yeah, we have." "Maybe it's time we start to express ourselves in new ways." "You want to do it?" "Yeah." "I love you." "It's your turn." "That's not what I was thinking." "Sex. lt's always about sex." "It's not always about sex." "I just thought it was about sex this time." "Look, Vicky love is a term that gets thrown around and people don't mean it." "When I say it, I want it to be more than words." "l want it to be" "Perfect." "Exactly." "Ready, Albert?" "No problemo." "I close my eyes at night" "Come on, Heather." "Work with me." "Goal, number eight, Ostreicher." "That-a-boy, Ozzy!" "Yeah, baby." "Let's go, fellas." "Bumblebee Bumblebee" "Bumblebee-hee Bumblebeeeee" "Focus on the music." "Let the music be my guide." "That would be a start." "Goal, Steve Stifler." "Who's the man?" "!" "Stifler!" "Huddle up, guys." "Huddle up." "Huddle up, guys." "Huddle up." "Come on." "Okay." "Okay, okay." "Good hustle, guys." "Good hustle." "But you can still lose." "You saw what happened to Oz out there." "I don't ever want to see any of you thinking you're going to score." "You don't score until you score." "Till you score." "That's right!" "It all boils down to today." "For you seniors, this marks the culmination of the past four years!" "Culmination." "I want you to think about what this means to you." "Do you guys want to look back on your days at East." "...and know that you used the time you had?" "You do!" "Good attitude, Ostreicher." "Good luck, fellas." "I didn't tell you to leave the game." "Sorry Coach." "You got someplace more important to be?" "Yeah." "Ostreicher!" "Oz?" "Fuckface?" "Ostreicher!" "Oz!" "Osmeister!" "What about the game?" "l'm not playing." "You're missing it for us?" "No. I'm missing it for you." "Does this mean I can't do the duet?" "Albert, you suck." "I don't think he's coming back." "I close my eyes at night" "Close my eyes" "Wondering where would I be?" "Without you in my life" "Everything I did was just a bore" "Everywhere I went?" "Seems I've been there before" "But you brightened up for me?" "All of my days" "With a love so sweet ln so many ways I just want to stop" "And thank you, baby I just want to stop" "Thank you, baby" "How sweet it is to be loved by you" "Yeah, Oz!" "You fucking rule!" "Fucking rule!" "Maybe the words aren't important." "I know he cares about me." "Even if he can't say it, he does." "Yeah, he always talks about sex, but he's guy, right?" "If he's got a dick, he's a guy." "is this translation right? "Go home, bird teacher. I've had enough"?" "I don't know. I got it from Kevin." "So, does it hurt?" "You know, sex." "Does it hurt?" "Yeah, the first time you do it." "It hurts." "But the you do it again and again." "It just starts to feel good." "Really good." "Okay." "So, say I don't do it." "Then I go to college." "I could end up doing it with a guy who turns out to be a jerk." "This is true." "I'll wish I'd had done it with Kevin." "So, go do it with Kevin." "You think?" "You're ready." "You're a woman." "You're ready for sex." "You're right." "l know." "l'm going to go have sex." "Now." "And it'll be perfect." "Perfect sex." "Thanks, Jessica." "Please." "I want to have sex." "Now?" "Prom." "You must be excited about the big night." "Thrilled." "Who's the lucky girl?" "Michelle." "She must be very special." "Oh, she's special, all right." "She must be, if you picked her out from the bunch." "I'm just going to say one thing before you leave." "I want you to be very, very careful when you're putting on the corsage." "Okay, Dad." "Promise me." "l promise." "At band camp we have dances like this, only they're way funner." "Status check." "Where do you guys stand?" "Finch, we know where you are." "But you can't really use that as an excuse." "My date is a flute-toting band dork." "Does that answer your question?" "Oz, is this vocal jazz shit going to pay off or what?" "Kevin, what's with the attitude?" "Attitude?" "Me?" "You guys should be more enthusiastic." "This is the night we've been waiting for." "You can't back out." "You don't need us to get laid." "What, are you afraid?" "No." "Come on." "I mean, we made a pact." "You can't break it." "You'll just have to" "Have to what, Kev?" "Huh?" "I don't have to do shit!" "I am so sick and tired of all this bullshit pressure." "I've never even had sex and already I can't stand it. I hate sex!" "I'm not going to bust my balls over something that, frankly, isn't that important." "I'm going to go back to that geek- at least she talks about something besides sex." "Goddamn." "Yeah." "At least I learned how to shit in school." "Finch." "Want to dance?" "Why do you have no date?" "I like to keep my options open." "I have something for you." "It's a consolation prize." "Jessica, this is great." "Wow." "I felt bad taking your money." "You spent $200 on this?" "No." "I spent $50 on the flask and $150 on the earrings." "These are" "Let me clarify that you have no chance of scoring with me." "Of course not!" "So you and Sherman are pretty close, huh?" "You met at that party?" "Yeah, we were up all night." "We had one of those deep conversations where you really get to know someone." "Deep conversation, huh?" "is that what you call it?" "What else would I call it?" "Thank you, Great Falls." "We're going to take a break." "You are beautiful." "Excuse me." "Sorry to interrupt. I just thought you should know this." "Chuck Sherman is a liar." "I never had sex with him." "He's never had sex with anyone." "I know this because he told me." "Once he tried to screw a grapefruit, but that's all." "He also told me when he gets nervous, he wets his pants." "Thank you for your time." "Guess what?" "I'm not interested." "Come on." "The bus to Stifler's will be here soon." "I'm not going." "Why not?" "Things didn't turn out how I wanted them to." "I don't even know what I'm doing." "I'm acting like I have everything together." "I know Vicky's going to ask me if I love her and I don't know what I'll say." "I'm on the brink." "I'm about to do it." "I should be psyched." "Maybe you're right." "Maybe I am just scared." "Come on, Kev." "Tonight is the night." "We are finally going to a post-prom party on the lake." "We've waited for this for 4 years." "Why else have we been friends with Stifler?" "We were friends with Stifler?" "Look Sherman didn't even get laid." "He didn't?" "No, he pissed himself." "What?" "We'll tell you on the bus." "I'm going to go in and get my bag." "My date, too, perhaps." "Stifler's mom got it in the divorce." "It reminds me of this one time" "Hey, can I ask you a question?" "Why don't you have any stories?" "I have lots and you don't have any." "I have stories, believe me." "They're just more risque than tales of band camp." "Are they gross?" "Like guy stuff?" "." "Tell me." "You want a story?" "Here's a story." "Stifler finds this beer, right?" "This is the nicest room here." "Wow, it's perfect." "You're going to fuck, aren't you?" "Fuckers!" "Fuckers, fuckers fuckers, fuckers, fuckers!" "Out." "Aw, come on." "Get out." "Aw, man!" "I have to tell you something." "What?" "It's going to sound really bad, but I want you to know." "See, uh I'm a virgin." "And, um well, me, Kevin, Jim and Finch, we all made this pact that we would lose our virginity before high school was over." "And tonight is supposed to be the night we do it." "This isn't the best way to proposition me." "No, that's not what I mean." "What I mean is..." "Do you know what made me leave that game?" "Coach was giving this speech about not slacking off when you have the opportunity to score." "This isn't any better." "No." "See, Heather what I realized is that with you it's not like I'm running toward the goal looking for the best way to score." "This may sound corny, but I feel like I've already won." "I care about you a lot." "Oz, I know." "You called me Oz." "Well, yeah." "That's what your friends call you." "I feel like I'm one of your friends now." "And your girlfriend?" "PLEASE KEEP OUT THANK YOU" "Are you lost?" "Oh, Stifler's mom." "No, not lost." "Just... taking the tour." "Thank you for letting us have this wonderful party." "As if there was an alternative in the matter." "So, are you enjoying yourself?" "." "I'm three sheets to the wind, ma'am." "I'm so happy for you. lt does take the edge off, doesn't it?" "Where's your little date tonight?" "No date." "There was a bathroom incident." "Pardon me?" "Never mind." "Do you have anything to drink?" "The kegs are upstairs." "That is what the cretins drink." "I'm talking about alcohol, liquor." "The good stuff." "All right." "A have some Scotch." "Single malt?" "Aged eighteen years." "The way I like it." "Go get a glass from the bar." "I think I will." "Allow me." "It's a bitchin' party." "The Stifman always comes through." "Then he just puked his brains out." "What a nasty story." "l told you." "Want to hear a nasty story of mine?" "It's sort of sexual." "Yeah." "Let's hear it." "Well, this one time at band camp we played this game." "I don't know if you know it--it's called "Spin the Bottle"." "I had to kiss this guy named Marc Wander on the lips." "He plays trombone." "So, how do you want to be?" "Like, how do you want to do it?" "I don't know." "How do you?" "Like... normal style." "The missionary position." "Okay." "Kev?" "I want to hear you say it." "Okay." "Victoria... I love you." "I love you." "Here." "Are you okay?" "Go slow." "So the end of the story is you had to kiss the guy for 20 seconds." "Yes!" "And he was such a dork." "Everyone laughed at me, but I didn't care because it was so funny." "I get it." "And once at band camp, I stuck a flute in my pussy." "What?" "You think I don't know how to get off?" "." "That's what half of band camp is sex ed." "So, are we going to screw soon?" "I'm getting kind of antsy." "This'll do." "I have two rubbers." "Wear both they'll desensitize you." "I don't want you coming early." "What makes you think I'd do that?" "I saw you on the Net." "Why do you think I accepted this date?" "You're a sure thing." "Yes, I am." "So I said, "This is very obviously a Piero della Francesca."" "So would you object if I said you were quite striking?" "Mr. Finch... are you trying to seduce me?" "Yes, ma'am. I am." "You're dead." "l had no idea you'd be this good." "Me, either." "Oh, Finchy." "Finch!" "Oh, Stifler's mom!" "Let's go." "What's my name?" "Say my name, bitch?" "Michelle, Michelle." "Oh, God." "That was a great night, huh?" "Yeah." "I mean, I can't believe we had our senior prom." "I know." "It went by so fast." "Yeah, it did." "Next year with you going to Ann Arbor and me going to Ithaca it's not going to work, is it?" "No." "Don't say that." "We can make it work." "It'll be perfect." "No, Kevin." "That's what I've been realizing-nothing is perfect." "And you can't plan everything." "I guess you will be pretty far away." "We'll be on our own, meeting new people." "Last night, though I wasn't lying." "I know." "She's gone." "Oh, my God." "She used me." "I was used." "I was used." "Cool." "Why is this door locked?" "Mom, where " "Mom?" "Shitbreak?" "Hey, Stifler." "I have to say women... like fine wine, only improve with age." "Of course, I have no basis for comparison, but it was good." "You almost made it?" "We had a great night together." "Hang in there, buddy." "You'll get there." "You know what?" "I think we're falling in love." "Wow." "That is great, man." "That's awesome." "You know what the coolest thing is?" "This." "Right now." "It's true." "After this, everything will be different." "After getting laid?" "After high school." "Here's to the next step." "To the next step." "The next step." "The next step." "congratulations seniors!" "Sweetheart?"