"( applause dies down )" "( strikes organ chord )" "( laughter )" "AND NOW..." "IT'S... ( Sousa's "Liberty Bell March " playing )" "MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUSES." "( music ends with fart )" "Announcer:" "THE ADVENTURES OF BIGGLES." "PART ONE: "BIGGLES DICTA TESA LETTER. "" "MISS BLADDER, TAKE A LETTER." "YES, SENOR BIGGLES." "DON'T CALL ME "SENOR"!" "OR GROUP CAPTAIN BIGGLES" "OR MARY BIGGLES IF I'M DRESSED AS MY WIFE" "BUT NEVER SENOR!" "SORRY." "I'VE NEVER EVEN BEEN TO SPAIN." "YOU WENT TO IBIZA LAST YEAR." "THAT'S STILL NO GROUNDS FOR CALLING ME SENOR" "OR "DON BEEG-LES," FOR THAT MATTER." "( laughter )" "RIGHT." "DEAR KING HAAKON..." ""OF NORWAY," IS THAT?" "JUST PUT DOWN WHAT I SAY." "DO I PUT THAT DOWN?" "COURSE YOU DON'T PUT THAT DOWN!" "WELL, WHAT ABOUT THAT?" "LOOK!" "DON'T PUT THAT DOWN." "JUST PUT DOWN..." "WAIT A MO, WAIT A MO." "NOW, WHEN I'VE GOT THESE ANTLERS ON..." "WHEN I'VE GOT THESE ANTLERS ON" "I AM DICTATING" "AND WHEN I TAKE THEM OFF, I'M NOT DICTATING." "( typing ) "I'M NOT DICTATING."" "WHAT?" "READ THAT BACK." ""DEAR KING HAAKON, I'M NOT DICTATING." "WHAT?"" "NO, NO, NO, NO, YOU LOOPY BROTHEL INMATE!" "I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS." "I'M NOT A COURTESAN." "OH, OH, COURTESAN-- OH, AREN'T WE GRAND?" "HARLOT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR US, EH?" "PARAMOUR, CONCUBINE, FILLE DE JOIE" "THAT'S WHAT WE ARE NOT." "WELL, LISTEN TO ME, MY FINE FELLOW" "YOU ARE A BIT OF TAIL" "THAT'S WHAT YOU ARE." "I AM NOT, YOU DEMENTED FICTIONAL CHARACTER." "ALGY SAYS YOU ARE." "HE SAYS YOU'RE NO BETTER THAN YOU SHOULD BE." "AND HOW WOULD HE KNOW?" "AND JUST WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT?" "ARE YOU CALLING" "MY OLD FICTIONAL COMRADE-IN-ARMS A FAIRY?" "FAIRY!" "POOF'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR ALGY, IS IT?" "HE'S GOT TO BE A BLEEDIN' FAIRY." "MINCING OLD R.A.F. QUEEN." "ALGY, I HAVE TO SEE YOU." "Man ( over intercom ):" "Righto." "WHAT HO, EVERYONE." "ARE YOU GAY?" "I SHOULD BALLY WELL SAY SO, OLD FRUIT." "( laughter )" "UGH!" "DEAR KING HAAKON..." "OH." "DEAR KING HAAKON" "JUST A LINE TO THANK YOU FOR THE EELS." "MARY THOUGHT THEY WERE REALLY SCRUMMY, COMMA" "SO DID I, FULL STOP." "I'VE JUST HEARD THAT ALGY WAS A POOF, EXCLAMATION MARK." "WHAT WOULD CAPTAIN W.E. JOHNS HAVE SAID, QUESTION MARK." "SORRY TO MENCH, BUT IF YOU'VE FINISHED WITH THE LAWN EDGER" "COULD YOU POP IT IN THE POST?" "LOVE, BIGGLES, ALGY DECEASED, AND GINGER." "GINGER?" "WHAT?" "RHYMING SLANG-- GINGER BEER." "OH." "GINGER." "Ginger ( over intercom ):" "Hello, sweetie." "I HAVE TO SEE YOU." "( laughter )" "YES, BIGGLES?" "ARE YOU A POOF?" "I SHOULD SAY NOT!" "THANK GOD FOR THAT." "GOOD LAD, STOUT FELLOW, SALT OF THE EARTH, BACKBONE OF ENGLAND." "FUNNY, HE LOOKS LIKE A POOF." "DEAR PRINCESS MARGARET..." "HELLO." "GET BACK IN THE CUPBOARD, YOU PANTOMIMETIC ROYAL PERSON!" "LEMON CURRY?" "DEAR REAL PRINCESS MARGARET" "THANK YOU FOR THE EELS, FULL STOP." "THEY WERE ABSOLUTELY DELICIOUS" "AND UNMISTAKABLY REGAL, FULL STOP." "SORRY TO MENCH, BUT IF YOU'VE FINISHED WITH THE HAIRDRYER" "COULD YOU POP IT IN THE POST?" "YOURS FICTIONALLY, BIGGLES." "OH, P.S." " SEE YOU AT THE SAXE- COBURGS' CANASTA EVENING." "THAT SHOULD PUZZLE HER." "SI, SENOR BEEG-LES." "SILENCE, NAUGHTY LADY OF THE NIGHT!" "NEXT WEEK, PART TWO:" ""BIGGLES FLIES UNDONE. "" "( machine guns rattle )" "( squeals )" "UGH!" "( bleats )" "( sproing )" "( tires screeching )" "( autos crashing )" "MEANWHILE, NOT VERY FAR AWA Y..." "MEANWHILE, NOT VERY FAR AWA Y..." "WHERE HARDSHIP AND PHILOSOPHY GO HAND IN GLOVE." "AND HERE, ANOTHER BRITISH EXPEDITION ATTEMPTING TO BE" "THE FIRST MAN TO SUCCESSFULLY CLIMB" "THE NORTH FACE OF THE UXBRIDGE ROAD." "( laughter )" "THIS FOUR-MAN ROPE HAS BEEN CLIMBING TREMENDOUSLY." "BBC CAMERAS WERE THERE TO FILM EVERY INCH." "Man 2:" "THE MAJOR ASSAULT ON THE UXBRIDGE ROAD HAS BEEN GOING ON" "FOR ABOUT THREE WEEKS" "REALLY EVER SINCE THEY ESTABLISHED BASE CAMP" "HERE AT THE JUNCTION OF WILLESDEN ROAD." "FROM THERE THEY CLIMBED STEADILY TO ESTABLISH CAMP TWO" "OUTSIDE LEWIS'S, AND IT'S TAKEN THEM ANOTHER THREE DAYS" "TO ESTABLISH CAMP THREE HERE OUTSIDE THE POST OFFICE." "WELL, THEY'VE SPENT A GOOD NIGHT IN THERE LAST NIGHT" "IN PREPARATION FOR THE FINAL ASSAULT TODAY." "THE LEADER OF THE EXPEDITION IS 29-YEAR-OLD BERT TAGG" "A LOCAL HEADMASTER AND MOTHER OF THREE." "BERT, HOW'S IT GOING?" "IT'S A BIT GRIPPING, IS THIS, CHRIS." "I'VE GOT TO TRY AND REACH THAT BUS STOP" "IN AN HOUR OR SO" "AND I'M DOING IT BY..." "DAMN..." "I'M DOING IT BY LAYBACK UP THIS GUTTER" "SO I'M KIND OF GUTTERING" "AND LAYING BACK AT THE SAME TIME" "AND PHILOSOPHIZING." "UH, BERT, SOME PEOPLE SAY THIS IS CRAZY." "AYE, WELL, THEY SAID CRIPPEN WAS CRAZY, DIDN'T THEY?" "WELL, CRIPPEN WAS CRAZY." "OH, WELL, THERE YOU ARE, THEN." "EH, JOHN?" "I'M SENDING YOU DOWN" "THIS CARABINER ON WHITE." "LEMON CURRY?" "NOW, YOU SEE, HE'S PUTTING IN A PEG DOWN THERE" "BECAUSE I'M QUITE A WAY UP NOW" "AND IF I COME UNSTUCK HERE" "I GO DOWN QUITE A LONG WAY." "( chuckles )" "SUCH QUIET COURAGE IS TYPICAL" "OF THE WAY THESE BRAVE CHAPS SHRUG OFF DANGER." "LIKE IT OR NOT, YOU'VE GOT TO ADMIRE" "THE SKILL THAT GOES INTO IT." "( screams )" "( men screaming )" "( laughter )" "( gale winds roaring )" "OH, IT'S TERRIBLE UP ON DECK." "UP ON DECK?" "YEAH, ON DECK IT'S DIABOLICAL WEATHER." "UH, WHAT DECK, DEAR?" "THE DECK" " THE DECK OF THE LIFEBOAT." "THIS ISN'T A LIFEBOAT, DEAR." "THIS IS 24 PARKER STREET." "THIS IS THE NEWHAVEN LIFEBOAT." "NO, IT'S NOT, DEAR." "( laughter )" "( wind roars )" "( birds chirping, wind is still )" "( door silences wind )" "YOU'RE RIGHT." "THIS ISN'T A LIFEBOAT AT ALL." "NO, I WOULDN'T LIVE HERE IF IT WAS." "DO YOU MIND IF I SIT DOWN FOR A MINUTE AND COLLECT MY WITS?" "NO, YOU DO THAT." "I'LL MAKE A NICE CUP OF TEA." "THANKS VERY MUCH." "( wind roars )" "OOH, IT'S A WILD NIGHT UP TOP." "YOUR TURN ON DECK SOON, CHARLIE." "IT'S NOT A LIFEBOAT, FRANK." "WHAT?" "WHAT DO YOU MEAN?" "IT'S NOT A LIFEBOAT;" "IT'S THIS LADY'S HOUSE." "( wind roars )" "( wind is still, birds chirping )" "CAPTAIN!" "CAPTAIN, AHOY THERE!" "Frank:" "AHOY THERE!" "AHOY THERE!" "AHOY THERE!" "CAPTAIN!" "WHO'S THAT SHOUTING?" "THERE'S A MAN OUTSIDE NUMBER 24." "TRY IT ON THE FIVE-INCH, GLADYS." "I CANT, I'VE GOT THAT FIXED ON THE BAILEYS AT NUMBER 13." "THEIR NEW LODGER MOVES IN TODAY." "ALL RIGHT, HOLD 13 ON THE FIVE-INCH" "AND TRANSFER THE CARTWRIGHTS TO THE DIGITAL SCANNER." "OH, OKAY." "HOLD ON!" "MRS. PETTIGREW'S COMING BACK FROM THE DOCTOR'S." "OOH, BRING HER UP ON TWO." "( laughter )" "WHAT'S THE DURATION RATING ON THE OSCILLATOR?" "48.47." "WELL, THAT'S A LONG TIME" "FOR SOMEONE WHO'S JUST HAD A ROUTINE CHECKUP." "YES, HER PULSE RATE'S 146." "OOH, ZOOM IN ON THE 16-MIL AND HOLD HER, ENID." "ROGER, GLADYS." "I'LL TRY AND GET HER ON THE 12-INCH." "MOVE THE CURTAIN, ENID." "THANK YOU, LOVE." "YES, IT'S ONE OF THOSE SELF-RIGHTING MODELS." "NEWHAVEN WAS ABOUT THE FIRST PLACE" "IN THE COUNTRY TO GET ONE." "WHAT'S THE DISPLACEMENT" "ON ONE OF THEM JOBS, THEN?" "OH, ABOUT 140, 150..." "WHO'S FOR FRUIT CAKE?" "WHO'S FOR FRUIT CAKE?" "YES?" "RIGHT, MACAROONS..." "THAT'S TWO DOZEN FRUIT CAKES, HALF A DOZEN MACAROONS." "WON'T BE A JIFFY, THEN." "( gale winds roaring )" "YOO-HOO!" "MRS. EDWARDS!" "HELLO." "HELLO, LOVE." "I WANT TWO DOZEN FRUIT CAKES" "AND HALF A DOZEN MACAROONS." "OH, SORRY, LOVE, NO MACAROONS." "HOW ABOUT A NICE VANILLA SPONGE?" "YES, THAT'D BE LOVELY." "RIGHTO." "( ship's horn blares )" "OOH, THERE'S THAT NICE HERRING TRAWLER" "COME FOR THEIR KUP KAKES" " EXCUSE ME." "RIGHTO." "HELLO!" "CAPTAIN SMITH!" "HELLO!" "CAPTAIN SMITH!" "KUP KAKES TO STARBOARD!" "COMING!" "HEAD OUT THERE!" "IF YOU WANT I'LL GET YOUR THINGS." "OH, YES, THROW 'EM IN." "I'LL PAY YOU" "AT THE END OF THE WEEK, THEN, ALL RIGHT?" "OKAY, RIGHTO." "ALL RIGHT." "Chorus:" "RULE, BRITANNIA..." "OOH, IT'S THE ARK ROYAL, DORIS!" "HAVE YOU GOT THEIR ROCK BUNS READY?" "( ship's horn blares )" "HANG ON!" "HERE WE ARE, FIVE FOR THEM" "AND FIVE FOR H.M.S. EAGLE." "RIGHTO." "( grunting )" "YES?" "H.M.S. DEFIANT, TWO SET TEAS, PLEASE." "TWO SET TEAS, DORIS." "THAT'LL BE 48 PENCE." "HERE WE ARE, THANK YOU." "BY THE WAY, DO YOU DO LUNCHES?" "NO, MORNING COFFEES AND TEAS ONLY." "RIGHTO, DEAR." "( laughter )" "( dramatic musicplays )" "GOOD EVENING, AND WELCOME TO ANOTHER EDITION OF STORAGEJARS." "ON TONIGHT'S PROGRAM" "MIKOS ANTONIARKIS, THE GREEK REBEL LEADER" "WHO SEIZED POWER IN ATHENS THIS MORNING" "TELLS US WHAT HE KEEPS IN STORAGE JARS." "( dramatic chord blares )" "FROM STRIFE-TORN BOLIVIA" "RONALD RODGERS REPORTS ON STORAGE JARS THERE." "( dramatic chord blares )" "AND CLOSER TO HOME" "THE FIRST DRAMATIC PICTURES OF THE MASS JAILBREAK" "NEAR THE STORAGE JAR FACTORY IN MAIDENHEAD." "ALL THIS AND MORE IN STORAGEJARS." "THIS IS LA PAZ, BOLIVIA." "BEHIND ME, YOU CAN HEAR THE THUD OF MORTAR" "AND THE HIGH-PITCHED WHINE OF ROCKETS" "AS THE BATTLE FOR CONTROL OF THIS VOLATILE REPUBLIC SHAKES" "THE FOUNDATIONS OF THIS OLD CITY." "BUT WHATEVER THEIR POLITICAL INCLINATIONS" "THESE BOLIVIANS ARE ALL KEEN USERS OF STORAGE JARS." "HERE THE LARGEST SIZE IS USED FOR RICE AND FOR MANGOS" "A BIG LOCAL CROP." "AND UNLIKE MOST REVOLUTIONARY SOUTH AMERICAN STATES" "THEY'VE AN INTERMEDIARY SIZE" "IN BETWEEN THE TWO-POUND AND FIVE-POUND JARS." "THIS GIVES THIS POOR-BUT-PROUD PEOPLE" "A USEFUL JAR FOR APRICOTS, PLUMS AND STOCK CUBES." "THE SMALLEST JAR, THIS LITTLE TWO-OUNCE JAR" "FOR SWEETS, CHOCOLATES AND EVEN LITTLE SHALLOTS." "NO LONGER USED IN THE WEST" "IT REMAINS HERE AS AN UNSPOKEN MONUMENT TO THE DAYS" "WHEN LA PAZ KNEW BETTER TIMES." "RONALD RODGERS, STORAGEJARS, LA PAZ." "Announcer:" "IN LONDON, THE PRIME MINISTER MET OFFICIALS" "FROM THE DEPARTMENT OF THE ENVIRONMENT TO DISCUSS... ( mechanical clicking, whirring )" "A CASSETTE TAPE RECORDER IS TO REPLACE" "THE SALON QUARTETSAND TRIOS" "WHICH HA VE PLA YED BESIDE THE POTTED PALMS OFMANCHESTER... ( loud scraping ) ...HAS CAUSED A SWITCH TO TAPED MUSIC" "WHICH WILL BE RELA YED OVER A NEW PUBLICADDRESS SYSTEM" "REPLACING ONE WHICH RELA YED BOTH MUSICAND THE... ( wooden popping )" "STOCK MARKET PRICES HIT RECORD LEVELS" "ON THE LAST DA Y OF THE YEAR." "THE FINANCIAL TIMES INDEX ROSE 3.7 POINTS TO 476.5... ( whining )" "( pop )" "( whining )" "( pop ) ...BUT THE BBC HAS REPORTED" "THAT RADIO FREE SOLENT, A PIRA TE STA TION" "WAS MARKING THE FIRST BIRTHDA Y OF THE... ( shrewishly ):" "HENRY!" "TURN THAT TELEVISION OFF!" "YOU KNOW IT'S BAD FOR YOUR EYES!" "( laughter )" "( shuts TV off )" "AH, THAT'S BETTER." "HENRY, WILL YOU STOP SITTING AROUND?" "YES, DEAR." "Wife:" "THERE'S AN ENTIRE TV STUDIO" "WAITING AROUND FOR YOU TO DO THE NEXT LINK!" "( door opens, closes )" "Wife:" "AND WHEN YOU'VE GOT THAT DONE" "I'VE GONE SOME MORE WORK FOR YOU!" "Henry:" "YES, DEAR." "Wife:" "HENRY, DO YOU HEAR ME?" "HENRY!" "HENRY, GET A MOVE ON!" "NOW, YOU SOD!" "THAT'S BETTER." "HUT-TWO, HUT-TWO, HUT-TWO, HUT-TWO, HUT-TWO!" "( loud canned cheering )" "HELLO, I'M THE GOOD FAIRY FROM PROGRAM CONTROL" "WHERE WE'RE ALL GRATEFUL FOR YOUR WORK ON THIS LINK" "SO MUCH SO THAT I'M HERE TO RELEASE YOU" "FROM THE EVIL SPELL YOU'VE BEEN UNDER." "HUH?" "( smooches )" "HMM, WELL, IT DOESN'T ALWAYS WORK THE FIRST TIME." "( smooching )" "( croaks )" "( croaking ):" "THANK YOU, THANK YOU." "NO, NO NEED TO." "YOU SEE, IT'S ALL IN A DAY'S WORK FOR PROGRAM CONTROL." "( romantic musicplays )" "HELLO, THE SHOW SO FAR..." "WELL, IT ALL STARTED WITH THE ORGANIST LOSING HIS CLOTHES" "AS HE SAT DOWN AT THE ORGAN" "AND AFTER THIS HAD HAPPENED, UH" "AND WE HAD SEEN THE TITLES OF THE SHOW, WE..." "WE SAW BIGGLES DICTATING A LETTER TO HIS SECRETARY" "WHO THOUGHT HE WAS SPANISH" "AND WHOM HE REFERRED TO AS A "HARLOT"" "AND A "WOMAN OF THE NIGHT"" "ALTHOUGH SHE PREFERRED TO BE CALLED A "COURTESAN."" "( chuckles weakly )" "( laughter )" "UH, THEN WE SAW SOME PEOPLE" "TRYING TO CLIMB A ROAD IN UXBRIDGE" "AND THEN THERE WERE SOME CARTOONS AND..." "AND THEN SOME LIFEBOAT MEN CAME INTO A WOMAN'S SITTING ROOM" "AND, UH, AFTER A BIT" "THE WOMAN WENT OUT TO BUY SOME, UH, CAKES ON A LIFEBOAT." "AND THEN, UH, A N..." "A NAVAL OFFICER JUMPED INTO THE SEA." "( light laughter )" "UH, THEN WE SAW A MAN TELLING US ABOUT STORAGE JARS FROM BOLIVIA" "AND THEN THERE WERE SOME MORE CARTOONS." "AND THEN A..." "A MAN TOLD US" "ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED ON THE SHOW SO FAR" "AND A GREAT HAMMER CAME AND HIT HIM ON THE HEAD." "( laughter )" "I DON'T REMEMBER THAT." "LEMON CURRY?" "( Greek string musicplaying )" "( music continues )" "( laughter )" "( ringing bell )" "GOOD MORNING, SIR." "GOOD MORNING." "UM..." "I WAS SITTING" "IN THE PUBLIC LIBRARY IN THURMOND STREET JUST NOW" "SKIMMING THROUGH ROGUE HERRIES BY HORACE WALPOLE" "WHEN I, UM, SUDDENLY CAME OVER ALL PECKISH." "PECKISH, SIR?" "ESURIENT." "EH?" "EEE, I WERE ALL HUNGRY, LIKE." "OH, HUNGRY." "IN A NUTSHELL." "SO I THOUGHT TO MYSELF" "A LITTLE FERMENTED CURD WOULD DO THE TRICK" "SO I CURTAILED MY WALPOLLING ACTIVITIES, SALLIED FORTH" "AND INFILTRATED YOUR PLACE OF PURVEYANCE" "TO NEGOTIATE THE VENDING OF SOME CHEESY COMESTIBLES." "COME AGAIN?" "I WANT TO BUY SOME CHEESE!" "AH..." "I THOUGHT YOU WERE COMPLAINING ABOUT THE MUSIC." "OH, HEAVEN FORBID." "I AM ONE WHO DELIGHTS" "IN ALL MANIFESTATIONS OF THE TERPSICHOREAN MUSE." "SORRY." "I LIKE A NICE DANCE" "YOU'RE FORCED TO." "ANYWAY." "WHO SAID THAT?" "NOW, MY GOOD MAN, SOME CHEESE, PLEASE." "YES, CERTAINLY, SIR." "WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE?" "WELL, UH, HOW ABOUT A LITTLE RED LEICESTER?" "I'M AFRAID WE'RE FRESH OUT OF RED LEICESTER, SIR." "NEVER MIND." "HOW ARE YOU ON TILSIT?" "NEVER AT THE END OF THE WEEK, SIR." "ALWAYS GET IT FRESH FIRST THING ON MONDAY." "TISH, TISH." "NO MATTER, UM..." "WELL, FOUR OUNCES OF CAERPHILLY, THEN, IF YOU PLEASE" "STOUT YEOMAN." "AH, WELL, IT'S BEEN ON ORDER FOR TWO WEEKS, SIR." "I WAS EXPECTING IT THIS MORNING." "YES, IT'S NOT MY DAY, IS IT?" "UH, BEL PAESE?" "SORRY." "RED WINDSOR?" "UH, NORMALLY, SIR, YES..." "BUT TODAY THE VAN BROKE DOWN." "AH..." "UH, STILTON?" "SORRY." "GRUYERE, EMMENTAL?" "NO." "ANY NORWEGIAN JARLSBERGER?" "NO." "LIPTAUER?" "NO." "LANCASHIRE?" "NO." "WHITE STILTON?" "NO." "DANISH BLUE?" "NO." "DOUBLE GLOUCESTER?" "NO." "CHESHIRE?" "NO." "ANY DORSET BLUE VINNEY?" "NO." "BRIE, ROQUEFORT" "PONT-L'EVEQUE, PORT SALUT, SAVOYARD" "SAINT-PAULIN, CARRE-DE-L'EST" "BOURSIN, BRESSE-BLEUE, PERLE DE CHAMPAGNE" "CAMEMBERT?" "AH!" "WE DO HAVE SOME CAMEMBERT." "YOU DO." "EXCELLENT." "IT'S A BIT RUNNY, SIR." "OH, I..." "I LIKE IT RUNNY." "WELL, AS A MATTER OF FACT, IT'S..." "IT'S VERY RUNNY, SIR." "NO MATTER, NO MATTER" "HAND OVER LE FROMAGE DE LA BELLE FRANCE" "QUI S'APPELLE CAMEMBERT" "S'IL VOUS PLAIT." "I THINK IT'S RUNNIER THAN YOU LIKE IT, SIR." "I DON'T CARE" "HOW EXCREMENTALLY RUNNY IT IS;" "HAND IT OVER WITH ALL SPEED." "YES, SIR." "OH..." "WHAT?" "THE CAT'S EATEN IT." "HAS HE?" "SHE, SIR." "GOUDA?" "NO." "EDAM?" "NO." "CAITHNESS?" "NO." "SMOKED AUSTRIAN?" "NO." "SAGE DERBY?" "NO, SIR." "YOU DO HAVE SOME CHEESE, DO YOU?" "CERTAINLY, SIR-- IT'S A CHEESE SHOP, SIR." "WE'VE GOT..." "NO, NO, NO, DON'T TELL ME." "I'M KEEN TO GUESS." "FAIR ENOUGH." "WENSLEYDALE?" "YES, SIR." "SPLENDID." "WELL, I'LL HAVE SOME OF THAT THEN, PLEASE." "OH, I'M SORRY, SIR" "I THOUGHT YOU WERE REFERRING TO ME" " MR. WENSLEYDALE." "GORGONZOLA?" "NO." "PARMESAN?" "NO." "MOZZARELLA?" "NO." "PIPPO CREME?" "NO." "ANY DANISH FIMBOE?" "NO." "CZECHOSLOVAKIAN SHEEP'S MILK CHEESE?" "NO." "VENEZUELAN BEAVER CHEESE?" "NOT TODAY, SIR, NO." "WELL, LET'S KEEP IT SIMPLE." "HOW ABOUT CHEDDAR?" "WELL, I'M AFRAID WE DON'T GET MUCH CALL FOR IT" "AROUND THESE PARTS, SIR." "MUCH CALL?" "!" "IT'S THE MOST POPULAR CHEESE IN THE WORLD!" "NOT ROUND THESE PARTS, SIR." "AND PRAY, WHAT IS THE MOST POPULAR CHEESE" "ROUND THESE PARTS?" "ILCHESTER, SIR." "I SEE." "YES, SIR, IT'S QUITE STAGGERINGLY POPULAR" "IN THE MANOR, SQUIRE." "IS IT?" "OUR NUMBER-ONE SELLER." "IS IT?" "YES, SIR." "ILCHESTER, EH?" "RIGHT." "OKAY, I'M GAME." ""HAVE YOU GOT ANY?" HE ASKED" "EXPECTING THE ANSWER "NO."" "I'LL HAVE A LOOK, SIR." "N..." "NO." "IT'S NOT MUCH OF A CHEESE SHOP, REALLY, IS IT?" "FINEST IN THE DISTRICT, SIR." "AND WHAT LEADS YOU TO THAT CONCLUSION?" "WELL, IT'S SO CLEAN." "WELL, IT'S CERTAINLY UNCONTAMINATED BY CHEESE." "YOU HAVEN'T ASKED ME ABOUT LIMBURGER, SIR." "IS IT WORTH IT?" "COULD BE." "( music continues on )" "OKAY, HAVE YOU..." "WILL YOU SHUT THAT BLOODY DANCING UP?" "!" "( music stops )" "I TOLD YOU SO." "HAVE YOU GOT ANY LIMBURGER?" "NO." "NO" " THAT FIGURES." "IT WAS PRETTY PREDICTABLE, REALLY." "IT WAS AN ACT OF PURE OPTIMISM" "TO HAVE POSED THE QUESTION IN THE FIRST PLACE." "TELL ME SOMETHING" "DO YOU HAVE ANY CHEESE AT ALL?" "YES, SIR." "NOW, I'M GOING TO ASK YOU THAT QUESTION ONCE MORE" "AND IF YOU SAY "NO"" "I AM GOING TO SHOOT YOU THROUGH THE HEAD." "NOW, DO YOU HAVE ANY CHEESE AT ALL?" "NO." "( gunshot )" "WHAT A SENSELESS WASTE OF HUMAN LIFE." "( dramatic musicplaying )" "HUGH WALPOLE'S ROGUE CHEDDAR" "ONE OF THE FIRST OF THE CHEESE WESTERNS" "TO BE LATER FOLLOWED BY GUNFIGHTAT GRUYERE CORRAL" "ILCHESTER '73" "AND THE CHEESE WHO SHOT LIBERTY VALANCE." "( laughter )" "WHILE I'M ON THE SUBJECT OF WESTERNS" "I WANT TO TAKE A CLOSER LOOK" "AT ONE OF MY FAVORITE FILM DIRECTORS" "( sniffs ) SAM PECKINPAH, THE EXPATRIATE FROM FRESNO, CALIFORNIA." "IN HIS EARLIEST FILMS, MAJOR DUNDEE" "( sniffs ) THE WILD BUNCH AND STRAW DOGS" "HE SHOWED HIS PREDILECTION FOR THE UTTERLY TRUTHFUL" "AND VERY SEXUALLY AROUSING PORTRAYAL OF VIOLENCE" "( sniffs ) IN ITS STARKEST FORM." "IN HIS LATEST FILM" "PECKINPAH HAS MOVED INTO THE CALMER AND MORE LYRICAL WATERS" "OF JULIAN SLADE'S SALAD DA YS." "( loud laughter )" "( playing lilting piano piece )" "I SAY, WHAT A SIMPLY SUPER DAY." "I SAY, WHAT A SIMPLY SUPER DAY." "Woman:" "IT'S SO..." "YOU KNOW, SUNNY." "YES, ISN'T IT?" "I SAY, ANYONE FOR TENNIS?" "OH, SUPER!" "WHAT FUN!" "I SAY, LIONEL, CATCH." "( gasps )" "( loud laughter )" "OH, CRIKEY!" "( laughter )" "( screaming )" "( loud laughter )" "PRETTY STRONG MEAT THERE FROM... ( sniffs ) SAM PECKINPAH." "( rapid gunfire )" "( gasping )" "and AE TELEVISION NETWORKS" "Captioned by The Caption Center WGBH Educational Foundation]" "( Sousa's "Liberty Bell March " playing )" "( music ends with fart )" "THE BBC WOULD LIKE TO DENY THE LASTAPOLOGY." "IT IS VERY HAPPYAT HOME" "AND BBC2 IS BOUND TO GO THROUGH THIS PHASE." "SO FROM ALL OF US HERE, GOOD NIGHT, SLEEP WELL" "AND HA VEAN ABSOLUTEL Y SUPER DA Y TOMORROW." "KISS, KISS." "WE'VE JUST HEARD" "THAT AN EXPLOSION IN THE KITCHENS OF THE HOUSE OF LORDS" "HAS RESULTED IN THE BREAKAGE OF 17 STORAGE JARS." "POLICE HAVE RULED OUT FOUL PLAY." "( laughter )" "LEMON CURRY?" "( laughter )" "UM, I'M SORRY ABOUT THE, UH..." "THE, UH..." "PAUSE" "ONLY I'M AFRAID THE SHOW IS A COUPLE OF MINUTES SHORT" "THIS WEEK." "YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES THE SHOW'S AREN'T REALLY QUITE AS, UH..." "AS LONG AS THEY OUGHT TO BE." "( laughter )" "BEAUTIFUL, ISN'T IT?" "( laughter )" "UM, LOOK, THERE'S NOT REALLY A..." "A GREAT DEAL OF POINT" "IN YOUR SORT OF HANGING ON AT YOUR END" "BECAUSE I'M AFRAID THERE AREN'T ANY MORE JOKES OR ANYTHING."