"Valco." "Serves you right." "I'm quite nervous." "You won't beat our prices." "Just stop that now." "If you can get it anywhere cheaper, I'll come round and cook it myself." "Red hot deals." "We've got offers on everything from booze to biscuits." "Loads of two for ones." "Service with a smile." "We have fresh produce." "Delivered daily." "Don't forget the Valco tick." "Am I getting paid for this?" "I wasn't ready." "When are you ready?" "Valco serves you right." "Valco, serves you right." "So you're sure you're on top of everything Gavin?" "Yes, yes no problems at all Martin." "And covering for Lorraine and Julie isn't going to affect your area manager role?" "No no, not at all." "My balls may be up in the air but I'm a very proficient juggler." "When are you going to find a replacement for Lorraine?" "Gavin?" "Oh yeah, sorry... sorry..." "sorry, Martin, yes." "Well the Warrington regiment is somewhat in disarray, but nothing that a bit of spit and polish can't sort out." "And then when the troops are back to combat readiness then I'll load up the cannon and I'll..." "I'll...advertise the position both internally and externally as per Valco policy." "Right, well if you're sure." "Keep me in the loop, let me know if you need anything." "Oh actually Martin, could you could you just do me a favour?" "I've just bought one of those mobile Headset thingies and I er, just if you.." "Bye now." "Love to Catherine." "Morning." "Morning Nev." "Jesus what's happened?" "It's a funny story actually." "One of my neighbours punched me." "It doesn't sound very funny." "Yes, well I suppose you had to be there." "It was more the way he did it." "Did you ask him to turn his music down again?" "No no it wasn't that this time." "I'm not sure what it was about to be honest." "His English isn't very good and" "I didn't want to be accused of being racist." "Just be careful, eh Nev?" "Oh Katie, you are sweet to worry about me." "Do you know, you remind me a lot of my ex-wife in that way." "I've told you about her, haven't I?" "Yes Nev, a lot." "I still remember the first time we met." "Scuse me love, I don't mean to be a bother but do you sell shoe polish?" "Hold on a sec." "Well?" "How was it?" "Come on, Boy or girl?" "I've been so excited all morning I keep having to go for a piss." "It's a boy." "It's another bloody boy." "Aw it's still nice though." "He'll have three big brothers to look after him." "I wanted a girl." "Someone I could go shopping with." "Someone I could get rat-arsed with." "Well..." "boys don't cry as much, do they?" "And boys definitely aren't as bitchy." "And boys piss all over the toilet seat, walk mud on the carpet and when they're teenagers their sheets stick together coz they wank all the time." "Aisle six, top shelf, by the odor-eaters." "You alright there Madam?" "Would you like me to get you a chair?" "I've gotta read this by tomorrow but people keep interrupting." "Bloody customers, what are they like?" "It's Neville." "He's a lovely bloke but he's doing me head in." "Freud, The Interpretation of Dreams?" "Yeah." "Did that come free with Nuts Magazine?" "Go on then Sigmund, give us a dream." "Piss off." "Actually, I have this recurring dream where this friend of mine goes of to Uni and then became really moody and lost all her sense of humour." "What d'you think that means?" "Oh yeah, oh I know the answer to this..." "It means you're a complete knob-end when it comes to women." "Hey, I understand women." "You're pretending you want me to go away when in actual fact..." "I do want you to go away." "Yeah, will do." "Bye now." "You gonna give us a dance routine Gavin?" "The Madonna." "Oh, oh I see, yes oh very good." "No this is to help me take my area manager related calls whilst also performing my store manager, stroke deputy manager duties." "I tell you what, Kieran it's been a revelation." "Oh now, now, don't forget it's the fire wardens meeting, my office at ten thirty." "No." "No, Wigan's fire drill was last Monday, Janet." "Oh well sorry no, I thought I'd turned it off, hold on." "So you're a fire warden?" "Hey Valco's been good to me, I thought it was time to give something back." "Plus Andy says they give you an extra fifty quid." "Oh yeah." "Oi." "I love fire drills." "I think it's my favourite day of the year, apart from Halloween of course." "I remember one year I dressed as a fire safety officer for Halloween." "Put those pumpkins out!" "I laughed so much I snorted Fanta out of my nose and ruined my costume." "So my Mum said I couldn't do it again." "I feel like someone's ripped out me guts out and shat on them." "This is really hard for you, isn't it?" "Yep." "If you want I can ask Gavin if you can be a fire warden too." "Bloody Posh Spice." "She has three boys then a girl." "How did she do that?" "Me Nan says that girl sperm comes from the left bollock and boy sperm from the right bollock." "At least you won't have to buy any clothes for him." "I chucked everything out, I was hoping that was it." "Aisle six, top shelf, by the odour eaters!" "Bloody hell!" "Sorry to keep you waiting everyone, it's complete mayhem on soft produce." "I mean how Julie managed with two hands, I really don't know." "Anyway, today is one of the key dates in the Valco calendar, the fire drill and if..." "Sorry Leighton what are you wearing?" "My bike stuff." "Just in case we have a real fire before the fire drill and you don't have time to give us the proper fire warden vests." "Right OK... moving on." "Now I know things are a little off kilter at the moment what with Julie being off and Lorraine's... rather sudden departure." "But I'm sure if we pull together as a team, we can make this the best, the most efficient, fire drill that this branch of Valco has ever seen!" "Come on!" "Gavin can I just ask a quick question?" "I know what you're going to ask there Kieran and the answer is yes, yes!" "I do think we can beat the 2008 evacuation time of three minutes and fifteen seconds." "I was just actually just gonna ask when we get the extra money?" "There's no money in this Kieran." "Who told you that?" "No-one." "So, the er, fire drill starts at um, twelve thirty so you've got a little bit of time to er, familiarise yourselves with the equipment." "Now it's the um, the holy trinity of the whistle, the torch and the high vis tabard." "Oh I tell you, boys, the fun I've had with these torches." "Gavin Strong." "Oh well not really I'm holding fort at Warrington." "Shut up!" "No sorry, not you." "Hey, it's a good thing you took that fire warden job." "With all that extra money you be able to buy Emma er... nothing." "Yeah, thanks for that." "Oh, put it on." "Is it like Superman, do you have to go into a phone booth?" "Margaret, did you know we have a hero in our midst?" "Oh, is it er , what's his name, John Bishop?" "What?" "No." "Good." "Can I have a go of your whistle?" "I haven't got a whistle." "Alright I have got a whistle but that doesn't mean I have to use it." "Quite right." "With great power comes great responsibility." "Kieran?" "Can you just do me a favour and just check on the other fire extinguishers?" "Why we went with the Sands 35X I'll never know." "It's not fit for purpose." "God bless you Kieran." "Katie, back to work, please." "thank you." "Er, we've got a problem Gav." "Can it wait Sharon, I'm having a devil of a day." "I can't bake." "That oven's knackered." "Language is a bit fruity there Sharon, there are customers around." "Knackered's not swearing." "It's not like I said f..." "Woh there!" "Yes alright well point taken." "Well have you rung maintenance about the oven?" "They can't come till five." "Oh heavens to Betsy!" "Well I suppose we'll just have to do without fresh bread for today." "Shall I sling my hook then?" "Actually, no." "Keiran will be fulfilling his fire warden duties so we're a man down on the meat counter." "Would you just pop on and help Andy?" "Over my dead body!" "Putting her on the meat counter is an insult to the animals that gave their lives for Valco." "Don't listen to big chops, Gav." "He's just mardy cos it's his time of the month." "I'd be delighted to 'pop' on the meat." "That's the spirit!" "Thank you Sharon." "Welcome." "Just don't touch anything alright?" "Whatever you say boss." "Oh pay out is it?" "Yeah." "I won 100 quid." "Good lord, it's not a hundred, it's a thousand." "A grand, you're joking me." "What's happened?" "This lady has won a thousand pounds!" "Now you'll have to go to a Post Office to cash it, we can't cash it here." "I'm gonna come back and give you 100 quid." "I was just doing my job." "If it wasn't for you, Neville," "I don't think I'd have noticed so you stay here." "Oh." "Must be my lucky day!" "You're bleeding again Neville." "Oh right, oh yes." "Oh." "The fire alarm has sounded." "Will all customers please leave the store immediately." "Will all customers please leave the store immediately." "Sorry for the inconvenience, sir, madam..." "Children..." "This is just a drill but we do have to behave as if it is a real fire." "I'm fine here reading my book." "The official assembly point is in the car park." "Now come on." "Look if I die in the fire that means I won't have to pay my student loan off." "Are you refusing to obey an official Valco Fire safety instruction?" "Yes I am." "Then you leave me no choice." "Kieran!" "What are you doing?" "!" "Bloody hell, I didn't think students couldn't afford food." "You cheeky git!" "Put me down!" "Thank you for your co-operation." "But thank you for shopping at Valco." "Come along Kieran quick as you can." "And... stop the clock." "Hello?" "Hello?" "Andy?" "Kieron?" "Margaret!" "Gavin!" "Am I glad to see you!" "I didn't know where everybody was." "I thought my watch was wrong and they'd all gone home early." "Did you not hear the alarm?" "Oh that." "Oh I thought that was one of them funny mobile phone rings." "It was a simulated evacuation replicating the exact conditions of a real fire." "Oh my god Margaret." "You've burned to death!" "Have I?" "That's my basket." "That's my basket." "Well, as always there are positives and negatives to be taken from today's exercise." "Now on the positive side, we were well within the Valco time limit for store evacuation." "And on the, on the negative side, we would probably have killed Margaret." "But if I could just ask you to just put that out of your minds for a second and just concentrate on clearing up all the abandoned trolleys and baskets then that'd be..." "Oh sorry hold on just a sec." "Gavin Strong." "Yes, what's the problem?" "Cats?" "So, what we're just gonna stand here all day?" "Aren't you gonna train me up or something?" "You've not had a stroke have you?" "It takes years to become a butcher." "I'm not training you, you're not ready." "Alright Yoda." "It's only meat." "Only meat?" "Do you have you any idea how many different kinds of marbling there is in a rib eye?" "Is it seven, Andy?" "Don't help her!" "Margaret to the Manager's office please." "Margaret to the Manager's office." "Ow, me and my big mouth..." "Come on, I'm bored of winding you up." "Show me something." "I'll show you the door if you like." "Is that sirloin?" "Tender loin." "How about that?" "Rump steak." "I've got it ta." "And does it come flat like that or do you have to beat the meat?" "Oh very funny." "Does Kieran ever beat the meat for you?" "Alright, that's it." "Just zip it and keep out of my way." "Have you got Pork Balls?" "I'm bored." "You can help me unload this." "Oh can I?" "Thanks!" "What happened to Sigmund?" "You've not finished already?" "Please don't tell me what happens at the end!" "No, I'll finish it tonight." "What you doing?" "Emma's at Yoga so guess it's beans on toast, internet porn, in bed by nine." "I was joking about the porn." "Yeah course you were." "You do know you can take that off now?" "I quite like it actually." "Fancy a quick drink after work?" "Yeah, go on then." "Better get back, make sure Neville hasn't spontaneously combusted." "Your chariot awaits." "Go on." "Heave ho." "I just wanted to call you in and apologise once again about what happened in the fire." "Ooh don't worry about it Gavin love." "It was quite funny, wasn't' it?" "Not really, no." "I can't believe we just left you there to burn." "Anyway, just to be clear if the fire alarm does go off again you do know what to do, don't you?" "Stop what I'm doing and then follow you to the door." "That's right." "And if I can't find you, I'll follow Lorraine." "No Margaret." "Well first of all, you don't have to follow anyone." "And second of all Lorraine has left." "Because of the fire?" "I want her gone and I want her gone now!" "Andy this really isn't the best of time." "I'll tell the Butcher's Guild!" "There'd be uproar if they knew a non-qualified butcher was serving on that counter." "You'd have walkouts all across the country!" "Don't annoy the Butcher's Guild, Gavin." "You'll have meat thrown at you in the street." "Is that what you want?" "Gavin I think I've lost my torch." "Oh Janet..." "I...." "Barnsley I....." "Can you pick......" "Any sign of your lottery woman?" "Not yet, no." "But I'm sure she'll come in soon." "Hope so anyway." "A hundred pounds and a pretty face." "She's a keeper!" "I don't want to be mean, but you can't always trust what people say." "Oh you sound like my ex." ""Don't be so naive Neville" she'd say." "Well, shout really." "No, I'm sure she'll turn up." "It's just a matter of time." "What's that one?" "Oh, just leave me alone." "Lean Back." "And don't do the joke." "Ooh, you're a right character isn't she, Andy?" "I'm back." "Guess I'll be off then eh." "Shame, I really enjoyed myself." "No kiss goodbye?" "Until next time Big Chops." "You alright?" "Don't ever leave me on me own again." "Are you OK Gavin?" "Oh, sorry Leighton I was just miles away." "I was just thinking if that fire was real I'd be ringing" "Margaret's Alan now, and telling him that his beloved wife perished in the fire." "Shall I ring him for you?" "That's very kind of you Leighton but it wasn't a real fire, was it?" "But I thought you said we should act like it was?" "I think telling Alan that his, his wife's dead when she isn't is a little overzealous." "It's no good, I can't get it out of my head." "I've let Margaret down." "I've let Valco down." "I know what I must do." "What you doing?" "Just smell 'em." "Oh I've got a cold." "I couldn't smell shit on a blanket today." "Why, what's up with 'em?" "Nothing." "Just for you." "Flowers, for me?" "Yeah." "What kind of girl do you think I am?" "Stop shagging other people." "What?" "Shag me." "Why?" "Is this a wind up?" "It's a wind up innit?" "Oh you bastard!" "You had me going." "I love you." "I said I love you!" "Oh my God." "Never mind Neville, she might turn up tomorrow." "You never know." "Tomorrow is another day." "Right go on, you get yourself off, I'll close up here." "Margaret dying was the last straw." "It's shown me that I can't do it alone." "I've tried." "Lord knows I've tried." "I'm overstretched." "I know my limitations." "You see the thing is...." "Valco needs you back." "I need you back, Julie." "OK Gavin." "I'll em, I'll come back." "Thank you Julie." "Thank you." "Hey ho." "So we going for this drink then?" "Yeah alright." "Hog's Head?" "Might be a bit tricky, it burnt down." "Yeah." "I forgot about that." "If only they'd had a fire warden eh." "Not much you could've done." "I was there that night, took three fire engines." "Eh you'd be amazed what a fully trained Valco fire warden can do." "Hang on." "That pub burnt down a few days before my wedding." "Did it?" "Yeah." "My brother was gonna take me there for a pint." "Oh." "So were you back in the country then?" "Well... erm... ..." "Yeah." "So you could've come to my wedding?" "Well why didn't you?" "Can we just leave it?" "I don't understand." "Katie..." "Think Kieron." "Why would I not want to come to your wedding?" "Actually I'm a bit knackered..." "I'll see you in the morning." "Yeah." "Me too." "Do you know where Neville is?" "I want to give him his winnings." "Yeah 100 quid." "He helped me win the lottery." "Um, I'll give it him if you want." "Would you?" "That's kind." "Yeah, alright." "Cheers." "Look I'm waddling." "Aw." "The bump..." "Let me feel." "Aw." "Aw." "It's a proper bump." "Night night lovey." "See you later." "Oh no, oh not again!" "Gavin?" "Gavin?"