"Murder Most Horrid" "Whoopi Stone" "See you later, mum." "Have fun." "You'll be lucky." "Lady In Red?" "My Way?" "Lady In Red, yeah Lady In Red." "You think you going to the jumble sale?" "No, I've got a rehearsal." "Oh yeah, I seen the poster." "What's it called again?" "Macbeth?" "We call it the Scottish play!" "Sorry." "Yeah, we always enjoy your shows." "A nice night out." "It's a tragedy." "Don't say that." "I'm sure it'll go fine." "Slower than the cyclist!" "You're welcome." "Just popping out." "Aaaaaaaaaaah!" "Look, Sir, I've done my homework." "She's perfect, the right age, the right body, she does amateur dramatics." "She's perfect." "What about undercover work, she done any of that?" "No but this is the chance shes been waiting for." "She's English, Brown." "They're American." "I can make her American, Sir." "Christ, you're a confident young man, aren't you?" "We don't need a Yank for this job." "We deserve the glory." "I'll give you three weeks." "If I hadn't married John and had Martin, who knows?" "I could have been an actress." "Still... it's not going to happen." "Not now." "Yes!" "Neil Brown." "CID." "Oh!" "Oh I don't believe it!" "He's a cop!" "Nothing ever happens to me." "Oh yes it does." "Hop in, Barbara." "Tony La Paglia, AKA The Beast Of Brooklyn." "Louie Finkel, AKA The Gentleman Fink." "Michael Perugiano, AKA Mikey." "Nickname department had an off day." "They've moved to London." "You're going in to get them." "What?" "For speeding?" "They're muscling in on the London drug scene." "That's not right, is it?" "Taking jobs from decent English gangsters?" "So we're sending you in." "Undercover." "Bonnie Labelle." "Hollywood vice queen." "Big, sassy broad." "You set 'em up, I catch 'em." "But I'm English." "There are 22.000 female officers in this country." "How many are aged between 35 and 45?" "Loads." "How many are unknown in London?" "Some." "How many played Miss Adelaide in the Evandale Players' Guys And Dolls?" "This is your chance for the big time." "You deserve it." "I don't like Bonnie Labelle." "We'll change it." "I want something more... more Hollywood." "Demi De Niro." "No." "Jodie Bogard." "No." "Whoopi Stone." "Oh yes!" "Coochi, coochi." "You understand, don't you?" "Mummy won't forget you..." "when she's a big star." "There's enough in the freezer to see you through the week." "You can do another big shop on Saturday." "D'you hear me?" "Aah." "What, like a training course, is it?" "Yes, a training course in traffic control. it's what I've always wanted." "Aah, here we are." "Hi." "How d'you like your new apartment?" "They never do deals themselves." "Too risky." "They delegate that." "Until they meet you, Whoopi Stone, the broad they can trust." "They think, ooh maybe, maybe, maybe just this once." "That's when you take them to your dealer." "Hes undercover too." "SHABANG!" "I catch 'em red handed." "SHABANG, right." "Jets?" "New York Jets: football." "Nets?" "Nets: basketball." "Blues?" "Blues: hockey." "Nicks?" "Err, basketball." "Hawks?" "Basketball." "Twix?" "Ooh, ice football?" "It's a chocolate bar!" "Oh well you've cheated." "You're dealing with gangsters, they cheat all the time." "Again!" "My mom was beautiful." "She should have been a movie star." "Instead she was a waitress." "In some two bit belly on the 7th of the 10th." "7th AND 10th!" "7th and 10th, right." "Hello, Whoopi Stone..." "no that's completely wrong." "Why should we trust you?" "You're nobody." "We're somebodies." "Well you!" "You trying to with me?" "I can make you richer than Donald... ing Trump!" "Obviously I won't be using this on the night." "This isn't a game, Greaves." "Look, I'm a mother, right." "I have got a teenage son." "I don't like swearing, I'm not comfortable with it at all." "Give me the fucking frog!" "Alright!" "You go undercover then!" "You go and make friends with lots of gangsters!" "I tell you what we'll do, right?" "No swearing." "What's next on the schedule?" "I think it's ball busting and um, fridge banging." "Shut up and make my coffee, numb nuts." "This is my place, capisce?" "Nice of mum to send us a food parcel." "Yeah." "I think these are for the dog." "Hi, Whoopi Stone..." "No it needs much more chewing." "A bit more 'ass, funny tush'." "You've gotta get more physical with them, gotta kid around," "Hey, TONY." "Guys, how they hangin'?" "Hey, Tony." "That's cupping, not kidding." "More physical, come on," "Hey, we're big, tough gangsters, hey." "Bagel." "Pretzel Potato chip." "Cookie." "Gefilte fish." "Pants." "Brazier." "Mirror." "Yo!" "The Whoop's in town." "Hey, hey, hey!" "YES!" "I hope this hasn't been a waste of time." "No..." "Sir." "it's been an investment of time." "We'll see, won't we." "Hi." "I'm Whoopi." "DCI Reed..." "Whoopi Stone." "Pleased to meet you, DCI." "Hey, that's a firm handshake you got there." "You know what they say?" "Firm handshake, firm putz." "That's an American word for..." "I know what it is." "D'you think he's stupid?" "You think he's stupid?" "That what you think?" "!" "Repetition, Sir." "They add menace." "I must say, you've done a fine job." "He's done a fine job?" "Well... you!" "She wont be using the frog on the night Sir." "No, no that's just for now." "Okay, one, two..." "One, two, alright?" "Okay now what don't we do?" "We don't panic." "And we breathe." "Breathe!" "Too much oak, Tony?" "Oak?" "What you talkin' about, oak?" "It's a characteristic of Australian Chadonnay." "There's wood in my wine?" "You crazy?" "I'm sucking trees here." "What's this now?" "Champagne, Sir." "Courtesy of the lady." "Let's see what she wants." "Whoopi to van, they're coming over, GOD!" "Hi, I'm Tony." "This is Louie, and err, this is Mikey." "Hi." "Woopee." "Ain't every day I get a bottle of champagne for sitting on my ass." "Ass, fanny, tush." "Oh no, no." "Us Americans gotta stick together, Tony." "So, sit down gentlemen." "So, you want bagels, pretzels, potato chips?" "No, no." "Cookies, gefilte fish?" "This is England Whoopi." "Yeah." "Like your pants." "Keep calm!" "Just gotta check my brazier in the mirror." "Get back to the..." "What brought you to England Whoopi?" "Was it a plane?" "You kill me!" "Not literally." "Hey!" "I do the jokes." "So, you guys wanna see my apartment?" "Let's go." "We're going now." "We are going now." "You often talk to your titties Whoopi?" "I don't want 'em to get lonely." "So Tony, how 'bout those Miami Dolphins, ha?" "The way I see it, the weakest area, is the offensive line." "McDuffy, hes an okay position receiver but..." "I hate football." "Me too." "A man's gotta wear helmets and padding, he ain't a man in my book." "It's a great book Tony." "I can't put it down." "Forgive me, Whoopi, d'you know what that van is?" "I saw a similar van outside the bar." "Don't worry about that Louie, they're installing cable TV." "At night?" "Sure." "At night they install the cables for the night time programmes." "Right." "So, you were telling us what brought you to England." "I could do business here." "I meet the right people..." "We talking hookers now, huh?" "What kind of business d'you mean?" "Well I err..." "buy a certain product, from a certain person, for a certain amount," "Then I sell that certain product to another certain person, for three times that amount." "You know what I like about that kind of business?" "What?" "The certainty." "The certainty, you hear that?" "Shes a piece of work, ain't she?" "Mikey, what do you say?" "I want sex." "Don't embarrass me." "The guy's an animal." "All he wants is pussy." "Pussy, beaver, jelly roll, booty, love thang." "It's late gentlemen." "I think we should go." "You can't go yet." "I didn't tell you 'bout my mom." "May we postpone that pleasure?" "Sure." "Next time I cook for you, huh?" "Meatballs, remind you of home." "Oh that's nice." "If we was at home now, we'd be at Maya Goldenberg's." "You know?" "Sure, best meatballs in New York." "It's a whore house." "To you it's a whore house." "For me, he cooks dinner, 'cause I'm in the business." "I love this woman!" "It's alright." "Okay next time, no van." "It's too suspicious." "You'll be fine on your own." "This is nothing like Guys And Dolls because I don't know what anyone's going to say next!" "But you were great!" "You were brilliant!" "Was I?" "Yes." "I thought there were elements that could be improved." "I mean, where was my ball busting?" "And fridge banging!" "I need to make them more frightened of me." "Exactly." "Oh God, I don't know if I can." "Now this is dynamite, Whoopi." "Your mom's recipe huh?" "Um, yeah." "Oh my mom, she was beautiful." "She should have been a movie star." "Instead she was a waitress in some two bit deli on 7th and 10th... etcetera." "Etcetera." "Italian place." "Yeah that's right." "Italian beats Jewish, huh Louie?" "Gefilte fish, chopped liver..." "That's too heavy." "Pasta and ice cream: that's light." "You see the difference?" "Absolutely." "So what do you think?" "You in or out?" "It's just, my man, he needs an answer, tonight." "Please, coffee first." "Were most interested." "Tell me, why did you leave the escort business?" "It's too seasonal." "I didn't know that." "Is Christmas the peak?" "Christmas?" "Christmas is madness!" "Everybody buying each other last minute prostitutes." "You had movie star clients?" "Sure." "What kind of thing do movie stars like?" "Weird stuff?" "They love the weird stuff." "The stuff they love is so weird." "This is very funny, Whoopi." "I was speaking to some very good friends of mine..." "Mr Charlie Sheen, Mr Jack Nicholson, Mr Bobby De Niro..." "They never heard of you." "Well how can that be?" "I heard of them!" "You think we're stupid, huh?" "No van tonight, you're on your own." "You must be scared." "What do you know?" "You know about Columbia?" "You know about our friends in mainland China?" "I don't understand." "You don't understand, cop?" "We'll make you understand!" "Sit down cop, I've got this thing in my head." "I swear on my mother's meatballs here" "I ain't no cop, okay?" "Don't say that again!" "Ever!" "Ever!" "Ever!" "Hey British cop, drop the accent 'cause I swear to God this thing in my head is gonna explode!" "Explode?" "Explode?" "!" "You want explode?" "Do British cops shoot people?" "Do they?" "Louie?" "No!" "Successive home secretaries have rejected the idea." "Frog you!" "You froggin' with me?" "!" "I can make you richer that Donald froggin' Trump!" "You in or out?" "You froggin' frogs!" "We're in Whoopi, we're in!" "Hello Sir?" "There's been a hiccup." "Singing nervously." "Okay, it's sorted." "Now you just carry on as if nothing's happened." "That is what I'm doing." "My mum says that when things go horribly wrong just carry on as normal, and that'll see you through." "So... could you please get rid of that dead body in my kitchen because I would like to lay my table for breakfast, thank you." "I'll take care of all of this." "You go and check into a hotel, okay?" "I mean, he was a gangster, wasn't he?" "It's not like I've killed Cliff Richard or anything." "You're going to miss being Whoopi, aren't ya?" "Oh yeah, it's been a real holiday." "It's not every day I get to kill people." "Relax, you were just doing your duty." "Remember your cue?" "Our business is complete." "Good luck." "I'll see you when it's over." "Whoopi." "Gentlemen." "Merchandise okay?" "Most satisfactory." "My contribution." "D'you know who this lady is?" "Then I don't think you need to count it." "Well gentlemen..." "I think our business is complete." "Stay where you are!" "Don't move!" "Jesus Christ." "It's a set up!" "Oh, what bad luck." "In the end the right result, Guv." "Let me go!" "I'm an American citizen!" "Just kidding." "Unhand me you wicked Limey." "What are you doing?" "What are you doing?" "Well done mate." "Good work son." "It must've been Tony." "Who else, huh?" "He must've made a deal with the cops." "God damn little psycho." "Look, we'll make it up to you Whoopi." "I swear." "I wish he was alive..." "so I could kill him." "I don't know what you're playing at but I've missed six rehearsals of the Scottish play," "I've got two men at home who can't even boil an egg and I've got a poodle desperately in need of a clip." "You succeeded all my wildest dreams." "I've got Mikey, Louie, and Whoopi Stone." "There is no Whoopi Stone!" "Oh yes there is." "She killed Tony La Paglia." "I caught her." "I got the murder weapon, prints, it's perfect." "Don't look so worried." "Gangster kills gangster." "You'll get 10 years at most." "Now don't you get funny with me young Neil." "When I get in that courtroom, I'm going tell everybody what happened." "Oh yeah?" "Yeah!" "You're going to stand in front of Mikey and Louie and tell them you're a copper?" "You'll have every hit man in New York heading for your village." "You're Whoopi now." "Forever." "There's no turning back." "What are you saying?" "I'll never see my family again?" "You don't need them." "Not now." "You're a star." "The woman who killed Public Enemy number 1." "Whoopi Stone." "You've turned yourself into a legend." "Now that takes talent." "Well, it's something you're born with I suppose." "I want my dog!" "Never found a body, they didn't." "Lost at sea." "Medal of honour, that is." "For services to the force." "What was she doing on the boat then?" "Training course I believe." "What?" "In traffic control?" "Gets quite busy, the sea." "Whoopi Stone, I sentence you to 10 years." "Then she says 'explode, you want explode?" "' and she picks up my piece and Wham!" "She wastes the guy." "What a woman!" "I know, I grew up with her, we dated." "Gentlemen." "Welcome home, Miss Stone." "Remember Gene?" "Where is she?" "Gene Kauffman?" "We saw Saturday Night Fever together." "Sure..." "We didn't see much of it hej Gene." "You bet." "It's my pleasure to do this job for you Whoopi." "You take care of business good Gene, okay?" "I will." "See you guys." "Oh and Gene." "Have a big full British breakfast on me, huh." "Oh and Gene." "Hold the black pudding." "I guess you kind of miss England, huh?" "Sometimes I think I shoulda got me a bungalow." "You know, this bungalow?" "It's like a little short house." "In the countryside, you know." "Some place like Worcestershire." "Or Hertfordshire." "Or Berkshire." "Some place like that, you know?" "Could have got a husband, and a kid." "And a dog." "Doesn't sound like Madam Whoopi, queen of New York." "Yeah, that's right." "That's right!" "Hey Mikey." "Yeah." "You got the address?" "Sure." "Hey guys..." "let's go and kill some people." "Nice shot, Sir." "Thank you, Brian." "Excuse me, gentlemen!" "Can I interest you in some extra holes?"