"All right, you're definitely going to get this one, you ready?" " Uh, yeah, I guess." " Okay." "He knew that if the gooks were to get their hands on the watch, they would take it." " So he shoved it up his ass." " I have no idea what you're doing." " Why?" "It's Christopher Walken!" " Sounds like Rosie Perez or something." "Come on." "Now, that was a perfect Walken and it's going to win me the talent show." " What talent show?" " The one I throw for the Pub Crawl." " Are you doing that again?" " Mm-hmm." "Yeah, well, it's not really a talent show anyway." "I mean, she just gets the most untalented people in Philly to enter the competition with her, so that she can win it." "And she never wins it anyway." "Nah, last year, she got smoked by this chick who ate, like," " 50 hotdogs in three seconds." " Oh, that was amazing." "Guys, guys, guys!" "I got some news, some terrible news." "We've got a huge problem." "Can we stop for a second and talk about this?" " What?" " What's with that jacket?" " I was going to wait on that." " Oh, I think you should go with the jacket." " Better now." " Well, first of all, it's not a jacket, it's a duster." "It's like a jacket only it's longer, thicker and far more badass." "I look like Lorenzo Lamas, and women find it irresistible." " Well, that part's just simply not true." " Either way, I like it." "So I bought it with the money that I was going to make at the Pub Crawl, so here's the problem." "You know that Korean barbecue joint down the street, Mr. Kim's?" "Well, they just signed up for the Pub Crawl, which means now they're the last stop." "What?" "They can't be the last stop." "We're always the last stop." "That's the only time of year we make any money." "They're also experimenting with a secret microbrew." "Word on the street is that it's delicious and powerful." "Bullshit!" "We're the microbrew guys." "They can't take that." "Wait, you guys have a microbrew?" " Yes, we make a delicious, amazing microbrew." " It's amazing." "They..." "They throw all the skunk beer into a trash can and then they sell it for ten dollars a glass." "Look, the point is, we cannot let these Koreans steal our thunder." " They want to make a top-secret microbrew." " We got to make ours more powerful." "Right, we'll make it so strong that people will pass out and vomit, and vomit in their own pass-out, and they'll never leave and go to Kim's in the first place." "And I will make this year's talent show the best talent..." " Let the men talk, Dee!" " What are you saying?" " Let the men talk!" " Damn!" "It's that all that I can see here!" " Guys, we got to move on this." " Yes." " It's the damn North Koreans." " Damn North Koreans." "Wait a second, what makes you guys think they're North Koreans?" " That's the bad Korea." " The sneaky, bad Korea." " The ones on the top, and they sneak down," " Oh, my God!" "and they eat everybody's pets." "I can't stand it!" "It's un-American!" "All right, goddamn it, that's it." "They're gonna take our way of life from us." "It's bullshit." "Okay, gang, let's solve this North Korea situation once and for all." "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia Season 3 Episode 06" ":" "Italian Subs Addicted:" " All right, that's enough." " No, no, no, no." " That's enough moonshine, Frank." " No, no, no, no." " Look, we don't want people to go blind." " You can never have enough moonshine." "Damn it." "Trust me on this." "I know what I'm talking about." " How's it taste?" " Oh..." "We got to lace it with something sweeter." "We got to add a little sweetening." "Oh, Deandra." "Could you be a darling and run down and get" " Daddy some antifreeze?" " No." "We don't want to kill people, Frank." "I feel like you're not getting this." "I can't help you guys." "I have a very busy day." "I'm auditioning people all day long." "And also, you're not my dad." "Winning a talent show that you throw for yourself is just about the saddest thing you've ever done, Dee." "Now, listen." "If this is all about boosting your selfconfidence, why don't you go out and bang a bunch of random dudes like you did in the good old days?" "This talent show's very important to me, all right?" "And I'm not gonna let you guys steamroll me like you always do." "Why don't you get Charlie and Dennis to help you?" "Well, Dennis and Charlie are out collecting intelligence, okay?" " Oh, you're playing spies now." " Intel is the name of the game, Dee." " It's all about the intelligence." " Then you picked the wrong two people." "Maybe so." "But we do have a secret weapon." "That would've been a lot better if" " I was wearing the duster, dude." " Come on, dude, it doesn't fit you." " It's too big for you." " That's why it's so awesome on me." "It's like," " why is that guy in a giant jacket?" " Why you got to take this away from me," " man?" " What is he hiding, dude?" " I just wish you'd let me do it." " Can we just snoop around a little bit?" "We can snoop around, but I just..." "I should be wearing the duster," " No, I'm wearing the duster." "That's the end." " that's the bottom line." "Fine." "Let's drink a couple of these microbrews first." "Let's get some microbrews." "That's what people on the" " Pub Crawl are gonna do." " Yeah, I know." "Two microbrews, please." "All right." "What is this?" "Pub Crawl karaoke contest?" "Bro, prize $500." "That's not good." " Oh, shit." " Look at that bracket." "Do you think that's..." "that's what that's for?" " Oh, that's for the karaoke contest." " Oh, my God," " dude, there's a lot of names on there." " That's huge, man." "That's gonna..." "Bracketing is a very intricate and difficult thing to do, man." " It looks like they got it down." " I got to get this intel back to..." " Mac right away." " Oh, man." "Well..." " Hold on that because we want to try the..." " What?" " The Micro beers?" " Yes." " Here we go." " Thank you, thank you." "Oh, shit." " Goddamn it, that's..." "Oh, man, that is good." " That is really good." "That is..." "Son of a bitch!" "They're putting something in that, 'cause you can't just make beer like that." "What do you mean, like they're enriching it?" " Are they enriching the..." " You cannot..." " They're enriching the beers, Charlie." " Oh, they're enriching their beer." " That's definitely enriched beer." " That's an enriched beer, dude." "I've only tried enriched beer, like, once," " I think." " They're not allowed to have the capabilities" " to enrich beer here." " You and I were supposed to be able to..." " What is going on in this place?" " We're the enriching..." "Look at all these people, man, they're like..." " They're being brainwashed." " There's, like, brainwashed..." "You notice how they're all happy and smiling," "And how old is that bartender?" " Is she 16 or 60?" " You have no idea." " You have no idea, they're timeless." " They're endless and timeless." "Damn it, dude, we are in big trouble here, man." "Shit." "Look at that door, dude." "See that door right there?" "The one marked "pirate"?" "You think a pirate lives in there?" "I see a door marked "private"." "Is that the door you're talking about?" " No, I was talking..." " Yep." "I didn't say... did you..." "what did you hear?" "I heard you say you saw a door marked "pirate"." "And "Is there a pirate living in there?"" "No, see, that's not what I was saying." "Well, look, are we gonna talk about pirates all day or are we gonna find out who lives in there?" "Jesus Christ." "Here we go." " What's wrong?" "Come on, open it." " It's locked." "Okay, I'm gonna try this out." "What is that, your apartment key?" " Yeah, see if it's gonna work here." " That's not gonna work." " Why not?" " We're not at your apartment, shithead." "Well, how many possible lock combinations" " can there be?" " So many, dude." " Like hundreds of millions." " Eventually, they're gonna overlap." "They're not ever gonna..." "You know what?" "You're right, it's not working." " No shit." "No shit." " It was worth a try." "It was not worth a try." "Move over, I'm gonna, like, kick the door or some shit." " Really?" " Damn, dude, this thing is, like," " enriched in its own way." " All right, let's try something else here." " Try a spin kick." "Try a spin kick." "Yeah." " Spin kick?" " You think you can do it?" " I'm not even sure... okay." " Sons of..." "I'm gonna kick, you ram." " Go!" "Nice." "Good." "How is that not working?" " No, I don't know." " Are you okay?" " Yeah, I'm all right." " All right, we're gonna do that some more, but let's get some more of that enriched beer." "I'm gonna call Mac and give him the intel." "Holy shit." "All right, see what else you can find out and call me back." "Good work." "Forget the microbrew." "What's the intel?" "They're having a karaoke contest." "That's it." "I'm elevating us to Threat Level Yellow." "It's time." " Yellow?" " Yeah." "It's time." "What were we before?" "Orange, of course." "Orange is much more threatening than yellow." "No." "That's an old system." "It doesn't work anymore." " You go from yellow, to orange, to red!" " Yellow is more threatening than orange." " Frank, this is orange." "You see this?" " Yellow, orange, red!" "This is yellow." "You see this?" " Is that more threatening?" " Yellow, orange, red." "It's backwards going to yellow." "Wow." "Color fight." "Listen, I need you monkeys out of here 'cause my contestants are waiting." "That's a no-can-do, and I'll tell you why." "The Koreans have escalated the conflict, so I've upgraded us to yellow." " I don't know what that means." " It means we're taking over the talent show." "What?" "No, you're not." " It's already done." " Okay, you know what?" "I knew it." "I told you." "You're trying to steamroll me, but it's not going to work." "I'm going to win this competition, and there's nothing you guys can do about it." "You're not even going to be in it, Dee." "Look, you have to face facts." "You have no talent." " You're talentless, sweetie." " Oh, really?" "Oh, is that so?" "Why don't you take a gander at this?" ""No, Mookie, I don't want to do it." "It's too hot outside."" "Right?" "What the hell is that?" "Rosie Perez." "That's terrible." " Oh, come on!" "You love that one." " You know what, Dee?" "You're a judge." "That's it." "Dee's going to be a judge." "And you know why?" "Because sitting in judgment of other people is the greatest way to make yourself feel better." "Problem solved." "Bingo!" "Bingo!" "You might have to give me the duster back." " It's not working." " It'll work." "Go." " It's not working." "I got to use your head." " Yes." "Yes." "Hold me sideways, and use my head like a battering ram." "Pick me up off the ground, ok?" "Why you people bumping into my door?" "!" " Yes!" "Good." "Hello." " All right." "Are you the owner?" "I owner." " I Mr Kim." " Okay, good." "Well, Mist..." "Wait." "Did you say Mister Kim?" "Yes!" "I'm Mr. Kim!" "Wow." "You should really do something different with your hair" " Yeah." " because you're not coming across at all" " like a man to me." " You don't look or seem like a man." "Look, if you don't tell us what's in that microbrew, so help me God, we will send you people back to the Stone Age." "I no respond to bully!" "What are you going to do about it?" "You're messing with the wrong country, pal!" "That's an act of aggression right there!" "Does every Asian know martial arts?" "They have to learn to when they grow up, at school." "Okay!" "That guy is such a dickhead!" "You don't have to take that from him." "I hope you know that." "I don't do what he say, he punish me." "He terrible man, okay?" "Always "Work!" "Work!" "Work!"" "He treat me like slave!" " Slaves?" "He's got slaves?" " He has slaves in there?" "!" "What kind of a Communist dictatorship is this piece of shit running?" "Hey, I no phone, no TV." "I not even allowed to drink the beer." "What?" "No!" "No!" " That is not acceptable." " You're mad about the beer thing?" "Are you not mad about the beer thing?" " Of course I am." " You should be able to drink beer." "That's what happens in America." " In America..." " You could drink beer..." "I'll tell you what." "You come down to Paddy's Pub, all right?" "We'll let you drink all the beer you want." "You can smoke your cigarettes," "And you won't have to deal with the trash, 'cause I deal with the trash." " He does all the trash." " You do the trash?" "He takes out the trash." "He captures the rats." "You beer, me trash." "I Beer, you trash." "I Trash." "Yes." "Holy shit, bro." "Did you see that?" "Yeah." "She made a..." " meaningful gesture towards me." " She made..." "No, dude." "She was gesturing to me." " I had my arm out like this..." " Yeah, why were you doing that?" "'Cause she extended to me, and then there was stuff in the eyes between us," " and my arm was at her." " All right." "Sure, pal." "# But the dog was buried # # by the bright sunlight #" "# And the old man died # # in his sleep last night #" "# And the young girl never did... #" "All right, all right, all right, that's enough!" "That's enough." "Thank you." "Well..." "Martha, you are... terrible." "I wanted to pluck out my eyes and jam them into my ears." "I wanted to pummel you with a manhole cover." "There is no point to you." "Oh... no, not..." "Sweetie, I thought you were really talented." "And I liked it, what you had on your fingers." "And your hair is so... looks like it kind of has a bulb on the front of it." "It just wasn't happening for me," " dawg, I mean..." " What?" "No, dawg, I was not, it was the finger cymbals need work." " Oh." " And... the jewelry and everything just..." "it was, it was just okay, dawg." " Is it a yes or a no, Frank?" " It's gotta be no, dawg." " Dee?" " Oh, I just think you're so full of magic." "You're like a big round wizard." "Right, well, it's a no for me, so... off you go, Martha." "Why did you get so drunk?" "You got drunk." "I'm just really exhausted." " What's in that cup?" " Rum and Cokes." "Why are you getting wasted?" "Maybe because you dicks stole my talent show." "Do you have any idea how important this is?" "You have any idea?" " Really, this is what you're doing?" " Do you have any idea?" "This is what you're doing?" "Do you know what's gonna happen if the North Koreans take over?" "They're gonna ruin our way of life." "Get your shit together, dawg!" "Next!" "# He's walking in a duster #" "# Look out, man, here comes... # # Man is in a duster #" "# He's a super fun, fantastic man # # who loves to wear his... #" "Oh, my God!" "Oh, my God, you scared me." "What are you doing?" "I run away." "Okay." "Good." "Uh... what are you doing here?" "I..." "I follow you home, because I like you." "Nice!" "Good, ah, 'cause I knew, I knew that... right on!" "Okay." " Wait, all the way home?" " Yes." "So you saw me eat that Hot Pocket I found in the garbage?" "Yes." " Any thoughts on that?" " No." "Oh, man, I like you." "Come on in." " I like you." " Yeah." "Hello there, Dennis!" "It's Charlie." "How you doing?" "Hey, you're never gonna guess who showed up at my..." "That's a very good guess, congratulations, but the point is that I've defeated you at this little game of hearts and... and minds so that..." "No, don't come over." "No, I don't want you to come over, dude." "Don't come..." "Dennis, don't come over." "Don't..." "Well, then why?" "No, I'm not scared, I just don't want you coming..." "Goddamn it!" "Aw, why did I call him?" "Good evening." "I need to speak to Mr. Kim, please." "I Mr. Kim." "All right, uh, Mr. Kim, my name is..." "Hmm." "R..." "Rita Fire... s... mmm..." "Fires." "And I am from the National Health Inspectors, uh, store, and I need to..." "I need to... make sure that your secret microbrew is up to code." " Health inspector?" " Hmm." "Oh, you bet your ass, Kim." "Hey, wait!" "I just... ugh, I just want your stupid recipe." "You... terrible actress!" "Wait!" "Okay." "Mmm..." "I'll sleep with you." "Your breath smell like vomit." "Okay, but..." "I know recipe." "You do?" "Well, what... what is it?" "Offer still stand?" "All right, where is she?" "Ah, dude, you might as well turn right back around, man," " 'cause she's in love with me, dude." " I doubt that." " We have so much in common, dude," " Hi!" "you're not even going to believe it." " Like what?" " Uh..." " we both like pizza." " Pizza!" "Well, I like pizza." "Everybody loves pizza." "We both hate mean people." " Who likes mean people?" " Well, we don't like mean people," " so there you go." " Well, neither do I." "Well, we both think kissing's gross." "How is kissing gross?" "You know, we just don't like it, we're not into it." " You know, it probably..." " Sticky." "Is it sticky?" "It's... it's like there's candy" " and beer in your mouth and... cigarettes." " How is it sticky?" " From candy and beer?" " I don't know." "This is bullshit." "Clearly, there's some kind of a language barrier thing happening here so I'm gonna go ahead and pop this shirt off and finish this thing once and for all, Charles." "Charlie, he smell like dog fart." " She said you smell like a dog fart." " Oh, yeah?" "All right, take it off, take it off for us," " take it off." " Dog fart, huh?" "Am I in America?" " Ladies." " Nice turnout, huh?" "Yeah, but i'm getting a little nervous here, frank." "I've heard some rumblings about mr." "Kim's, ok?" "We got to keep these people here." "Don't worry, mac, i got a plan." "Mac, dude, i got problems, man." "I can see that." "Why are you wearing the duster with no shirt?" "'cause i'm trying to get my mojo back." "Look, charlie and i have been competing over the same korean chick and he's, like, totally winning." "Why are you wearing my duster with no shirt?" "This is the perfect combination." "Do i really have to explain this to you, bro?" " Yes!" " Are you kidding me, bro?" " Explain it to me." " Black leather duster;" "tough, muscular dude underneath it, inside of it." "Very sexual." " Check this out, check this out." " What's with the hose?" "I'm gonna spray it on the women's tops." "We get a better look at their talents if their shirts are wet." "Wet t shirt contest, i like that." "Wait, frank, frank." "How are we going to have a wet t shirt contest without girls?" "We never got any contestants." "We can use the girls that are here." "They don't even know they're contestants." "You can't just blast people with a hose in a bar." "They will leave." " Lock the door." " No, that's not going to work." " Frank, go get your gun." " Okay, perfect." "Go over to Mr. Kim's and convince him to close for the day." "I could do that." " Okay." " Excuse us, please." "I love when you say it." "We are so happy and do you know why?" "We just got engaged." "You guys just got engaged?" " Yes." " Yes." "So now we're engaged." "All right, do you want to have some champagne?" "We're going to have some champagne to celebrate this." "Champagne." "Did you guys happen to catch what sun li was wearing?" " A white tank top." " A white tank top, exactly." "I was thinking we could talk charlie into having her enter the wet t shirt contest." "We'll just tell him it's all a part of dee's talent show." "Right, when she jumps up on the stage, we'll blast her with the water, the crowd will go crazy." "The other girls are going to want to join in, and we will save the bar, and then she'll break up with charlie, ruining any hopes for happiness that that son of a bitch ever had." "I agree with the first part, but the second part seems incredibly harsh." "That's the best goddamn part." "Look, you guys deal with that." "I'm going to go take care of Mr. Kim." "Yeah." " Boom." " What the hell is this?" "Oh, only Mr. Kim's secret microbrew recipe." "It's in korean." "What am i supposed to do with this?" "maybe i can get sun li to translate it for us." "Sun li?" "Hi, could you read this for us, please?" "Okay." ""Bony american is dirty, dirty whore." "She bring much shame to herself and country."" "Great, good work, dee." "Yeah, you really topped yourself this year, sis." "Charlie, can we talk to you for a sec?" "You whore?" "What you want?" "I'm gonna have to ask you to shut this place down." "I am shut down." "Look around, you jerk." "No one here." "Yeah, i was kind of wondering about that." "What's up?" "My daughter, sun li, she is missing." " Korean broad?" " You seen her?" " No." " Well, she no come home last night." "Well, i'm i'm sure she's going to come back." "She probably just met some guy." "What you talking about?" "You sick freak." "Sun li only 12 years old." " What?" "!" " She just 12 year old girl." "Oh, shit." "Attention, everybody." "Hey, attention." "Our first contestant hails from north korea." "That's right, north korea, everybody." "She's going to be doing something or other, and then we're going to blast her with water from a hose." "It's going to be great, right?" "You're gonna want to stick around for this." "And listen, ladies, if you want to get in on this action, please do not hesitate to do so." "Okay, take it away." "All set." "Wait a second." "You're going to blast my fiance' with water, exposing her breasts to this entire crowd?" " Yeah, man, is that cool?" " It's very cool." "Awesome." "All right, sun li, hit it." "# oh, great leader we come to enjoy you # # you make sun and moon in the sky # # the earth is spinning because of your laughter. #" "All right, she's bombing." "Blast her." "All right, everybody." "Three." "Two." "One!" " What are you doing, frank?" " Come on, frank, son of a bitch!" "The wet t shirt contest is off!" " Why?" " She's only 12 years old." " What?" "!" " Twelve?" "Twelve, Charlie!" "That actually explains a lot." "Wait, where are you guys going?" " You guys don't have to leave." " Wait a second." "No, stay and drink." "We didn't know she was 12." "We had no idea." "Hey, we didn't know she was 12." "Great!" "Goddamn it!" "Well, there goes the pub crawl." "Aw, son of a bitch." "I feel better about myself." "Why?" "All i did was sleep with a toothless, oily busboy for a recipe." "Charlie banged a 12 year old." "No, i didn't." "Yeah, i didn't even kiss that girl." "Like, nothing happened." "Really?" "Yeah, absolutely." "I can't believe you banged a toothless busboy." "Those goddamn north koreans." "They are some sneaky bastards." ":" "Italian Subs Addicted:"