"Okay." "I'm taking off." "Where are you going?" "I thought we were going to give a chicken the best day of its life." "I hate that we keep rescheduling that, but being a realtor man means working on Sundays, like priests and Lesley Stahl." "Good luck out there, honey." "We're all counting on you." "Just got to make it through this commute." "I'll call when I get there." "I'm there!" "Have a great day!" "I am handling the sale of our neighbor Jerry's house." "He's selling it and moving into a bachelor pad now that he's officially divorced." "Which is great!" "Well, I don't know about "great."" "I mean, you can come and go as you please, I suppose, and maybe see what's up with the U.P.S. girl who's always asking if you work out, or -- it's great because we have the rare opportunity" "to choose our new neighbors." "While still looking out for my client's best interests, of course." "Wink wink." "I'm in kind of in a delicate spot -- stuck between my wife and the guy next door, but I'm pretty sure I can satisfy them both simultaneously." "Okay." "That's them." "That's them." "Everybody look like you're gardening." "Luke, grab that little hoe." "Uh, I " " I don't think that's what she meant." "Is it?" "Okay, why are we doing this?" "This is their third visit, and we want to look good." "What's so great about them?" "They're very well-liked in their neighborhood, they have very polite children, and they are sophisticated." "The husband is a huge wine collector." "Oh, there it is." "All right, this is it." "This is it." "Okay, look sharp." "Luke, what's on your face?" "I don't know." "What color is it?" "Why isn't it coming off?" "This feels like a panic move." "Hey... again." "Hello." " Morning." " Hello." "Just doing a little family gardening." "See ya." "It's peanut butter, by the way." "We ran out of peanut butter two days ago." "Holy cow." "It works!" "What is he doing?" "He's putting socks in a soda box and pulling them out." "Oh, no." "This is like when my grandmother started combing her hair with a cactus." "Jay, Jay, who is the president?" "I will be when they see this." "Check this out." "What's my biggest problem in the bedroom?" "Oh, thank God." "It's that I'm always wearing the same socks because they're always up front." "But this bad boy stores and rotates your socks." "It's gonna revolutionize the closet industry." "What an exciting time to be alive." "I'm gonna get my lawyer on the horn, try to lock the name down." "Check this " ""sock it to me."" "How about "soxbox?"" "Gloria, please." "I'm selling a lifestyle here." "Uh, mom, we're gonna go head out by the pool." "No, no, no, wait." "Say hello." "Jay, this is Sophie." "Hello." "Hi, Mr. Pritchett." "What's that?" "Some sort of sock dispenser?" "Bingo!" "I'm in the closet business." "And this is a crude prototype of my new invention." "What a great idea." "You rotate your socks so you don't keep wearing the same ones." "That's exactly right." "I call it "sock it to me."" "That's so clever." "It's funny, and it tells you what it does." "Imagine it in walnut." "What's happening?" "I " " I am so sorry that he's boring you." "No, I like this sort of stuff." "My grandpa Earl's in the closet business, too." "Wait, wait." "Earl?" "Not -- not Earl Chambers." "Yeah, he owns Closets, Closets, Closets..." " Closets." "Yeah." " ..." "Closets." "I know your grandpa." "It was 1980." "Earl and I just formed our company, Closet-fornia." "business was great, high-end clients, maybe a celebrity or two." "I shouldn't name names." "Anyway..." "Came to work one day, and Earl's desk had been cleared out." "He had badmouthed me to half our rolodex." "It was devastating." "I had to start all over." "Well, what the hell?" "It was Larry Hagman." "Heck of a guy." "Heart as big as his hat." "Hey, you're back already?" "How was the birthday party?" "I rode a unicorn." "Yes, you did." "All by your lonesome." "It wasn't a real unicorn." "Thank you." "I'm gonna go and do homework." "Don't knock unless it's an actual emergency." "Not a spider." "Ms. Plank gave her homework on the weekend?" "She's 7." "I know." "The woman is insane." "But listen." "I heard something in the glitter-tattoo line." "What?" "There's an opening in Miss Sparrow's class." "Oh, my God!" "Cam, that's amazing." "We got to get her in." "I know." "We're going in first thing tomorrow." "Let's see it." "Two dolphins that form a heart." "There are two second-grade teachers at Lily's school " "Miss Sparrow, who makes learning fun and adventurous." "And then there's Lily's teacher, Mrs. Plank, who is stressing Lily out." "Let's see, sweetie." "Good job." "Oh, no!" "I spelled "tadpole" wrong!" "Oh, well, now, that's just one mistake." "Mrs. Plank doesn't tolerate mistakes!" "Okay." "All right." "I call Mrs. Plank "Mrs. Crank."" "Because, you know," "I have the courage to say what others won't." "Behind her back." "And I also I helped the previous owners install a brand-new tankless water heater a year ago, but did they show any gratitude?" "Nope!" "Because it's a "tankless" job." "Yes!" "Please move in." "We can riff like this all the time." "So, what do ya think?" "Do you still love it?" "Absolutely." "I can just see filling this yard with flowers." "Just like we're pretending to do." "By the way, I love those shoes." "Oh, thanks." "George's firm does P.R. for about 10 shoe brands." "If we end up living here, trust me, you'll be swimming in shoes." "I've had that dream." "Speaking of dreams, what do you think?" "You guys ready to pull the trigger?" "I think we are." " That's great!" " Yes!" "I'm a size 6!" "Not since I fell off the roof while they were delivering our trampoline have things come together so beautifully." "See you soon!" "We did it." "We are gonna have the best neighbors ever!" "What's that noise?" "Cool!" "I don't want to see a stupid house." "Hey, how 'bout you shut up and not embarrass us?" "How 'bout you both shut up?" "I'm sick of listening to you." "Hey, don't talk to your dad like that, or you can go live with your boyfriend." "He's not my boyfriend." "I just make out with him so I don't have to take his class again." "We should go say hi." "No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no." "Phil, shut it down." "I'm trying!" "What are these things made of?" "Come on." "Dude..." "I love this place." "Me, too, baby." "I always wanted a Spanish house." "It'll be like living at an El Torito." "Oh!" "Your family." "Hey, you the neighbors?" "You like living here?" "!" "What?" "I'm so sorry." "It's so hard to hear over all that freeway noise, right?" "Hey, then no one's gonna complain when I'm revving my cars, my bike, or my lady." "I'm Ronnie Lafontaine." "And this hot lady right here is my wife, Amber." "And these two little hellraisers are Tammy and Ronnie Jr." "Hey, hot stuff." "M-m-m-me?" "Um..." "Hello." "Damn, this neighborhood's sweet." "Yeah, it's close to my work, too." "Wh-- uh, what is your line of work, Ronnie?" "Well, I'm basically a doctor." "Oh, stop being modest." "He owns, like, a buttload of medical-weed dispensaries." "Ah, that's where I kno-- Oh, hello?" "Honey, you look a little nauseous." "Yeah." "Yeah, a little." "Hey, I got something for that." "All good." "How could you bring her to my home?" "She's the granddaughter of my worst enemy." "I had no idea who she was." "I met her in my theater group." "I'm Caesar, and she's concubine #3." "It was bound to happen." "Earl Chambers is a liar and a backstabber who betrayed me and never apologized." "Jay, please." "It's just closets." "I wish it was just closets." "I respect those guys." "Damn it, she saw the sock it to me!" "So what?" "If she can remember how it works, she's gonna tell Earl all about it." "If she can remember how it works?" "You put the sock in a box." "Even Joe could have thought of that." "What else did you discuss with her?" "Did you mention we've been experimenting with lighted hanging rods?" "I don't have a great rap with girls, but it's better than that." "Well, you're gonna use it with someone else 'cause I forbid you to see her." " What?" " That's not fair." "What's not fair is me picking up the pieces of my life while Earl gets to be an extra on "Dallas"!" "Hey, Dunphy." "Just checking out this tree." "Oh, yeah, it's really messy, right?" "And it makes the house so dark." "But the -- the rats love it, so..." "Yeah, no worries." "I'm gonna cut it down." "I don't want all this sap all over my lawn couch." "Well, I wouldn't fire up your chainsaw just yet, Ronnie." "It's a very competitive market." "Is there another buyer?" "I really shouldn't say." "Is this -- is this one of those realtor tricks?" "No." "Where you're trying to get me to raise my offer?" "Oh, no." "Well, it's working." "All right." "I'll throw in another 50 grand." "What?" "!" "That's a terrible idea!" "I'm not losing the house." "I had the best sex of my life in there." "When?" "!" "Excuse me, Ms. Crank." "Plank." "Ms. Plank?" "Yes?" "Hi.I sa-- Oh." "A frowny-face stamp." "I didn't know they made those." "I had to special order it from Germany." "May I help you?" "Uh, well, we're Lily's parents." "Is there a problem?" "Not so much a problem, no." "No, more of an opportunity for you to lighten your workload." "Maybe turn that frowny-face stamp upside down." "Let me guess -- you've heard there's an opening in young Miss Sparrow's classroom." " What?" "What?" " Miss who?" " Is this " " Do you -- an opening?" "No." "Oh, I'm sorry." "Forgive me for jumping to conclusions." "By all means, tell me why you're here." "Well, we -- we've just, uh, stopped by, uh, in the neighborhood to say hello." " To say hi." "Say hello." " Hi." "And, also, um..." "About this opening in Miss Sparrow's class that you suggested for Lily." "Is that something that you would..." "That you would think would be a good idea?" "Parents are not allowed to choose their children's teachers." "No, and, of course," "I would never suggest special treatment for Lily even if she is a -- a former orphan and minority and -- and daughter of two gay men." "That's a big load on those little shoulders." "Are you suggesting that your daughter is at a disadvantage because she's being raised by gay parents?" "Is it working?" "Okay." "You know what?" "Look." "Uh, we just don't think that Lily responds to your, uh, teaching methods, and we think she would be happier in Miss Sparrow's class." "We would all be happier in that new-age drum circle she calls a classroom." "Okay, well, we didn't mean to offend you." "We're not saying you're any worse than her." "She." "Ma'am?" ""Than she."" "That's proper English." "It's too bad Lily won't learn it." "So she can go." "As far as I'm concerned, she's gone already." "One more child left behind." "Okay, you know what?" "No." "Lily will be fine, 'cause she's gonna have the chance to thrive in a more supportive environment." "Yeah, you don't need to worry about she." "This place is a great idea, Gloria." "Did I ever tell you this is where I first tried pretzel bread?" "Hello, Jay." "Hello, Earl." "I invited him so that you two finally can bury the machete." "Well, this scumbag already buried it in my back." "You son of a bitch!" "No!" "No!" "No!" "No!" "Stop it!" "Sit down!" "This is crazy." "You two need to be friends." "You're the only two people in the world that care so much about closets." "This is silly!" "I guess those angled shelves that display all your precious shoes are silly." "Or the rotating tie rack that helps a brain surgeon save valuable seconds, and, just maybe, a life." "You fought me every step of the way on that." "Because the technology wasn't there yet." "People were gonna get hurt!" " If you would open your ears " " Enough!" "You two are acting like two little boys." "So I'm gonna have to handle this how my mother handled my two brothers." "It's either you two work this out... or you kill each other." "When Reefer Madness raised his offer, we invited the Thompsons over to try to convince them to raise theirs." "We wanted to show them that the best thing about that house is its location." "It's Dunphy-adjacent." "That was so much fun." "We'll hear from you soon, huh?" "You sure will." "Sooner than you think." " All right." " Okay, bye." "Drive safe." "See ya." " Nailed it." " Oh!" "Are they gone?" "They are, but don't you worry." "We are gonna see a lot more of those two soon." "Oh, and hearing from them even sooner." "It looks like someone didn't get their "Phil" of Dunphy." "No." "What?" "They pulled their offer." "Why?" "What happened?" "You pervs probably freaked 'em out." "What do you mean, "pervs"?" "It's short for perverts." "You guys were throwing yourselves at them all night long." "What can I say?" "That's shoe business." "Whoa, no guns allowed in this house." "Let's off that top, Lisa." "Let's let's top that off." "Phil." "So, this has been fun." "It'll be even more fun when you guys move in." "Well, even if we raise our offer, who knows if we'll get the house?" "Fortunately, you are getting into bed with the right people." "Nothing inappropriate, of course." "Wink, wink." "But just so there's no misunderstanding, we want you." "Why didn't you stop us?" "Hey, I don't know what you guys are into." "Oh, my God." "What are we gonna do?" "Oh, relax." "I'm sure you guys will find a couple that wants to get with you." "I'm here because she says you want to apologize." "You're the one that owes the apology to me." "Oh, yeah?" "Closetcon, 1998." "You sabotaged my booth." "That thing collapsed because it was cheap and bought in the orient -- like your wife." "How many times do I have to tell people -- you only pay for the meeting." "The feelings have to be real!" "Just keep your granddaughter out of my house." "For all I know, you sent her over there to spy on me!" "Sophie?" "What is she doing at your house?" "Dating my kid." "Mitchell?" "He's got to be 40 years old." "And don't you know that -- Oh, I get to do this." "Mitchell is gay." "Shut up." "My stepson, Manny." "She's dating one of you?" "My little, sweet Sophie?" "That's right." "My boy's dating her." "He's dating her real good." "Well, I'm gonna put an end to it." "Great idea, Earl." "'Cause girls love take advice from their grandfathers about boys." "I banged your ex-wife!" "If you banged Dede, I do owe you an apology." "Lily, it's daddies." "Can we talk to you?" "All right." "Where's the spider?" "No, no, no, it's -- it's not that." "Now, listen, we have some good news." "We -- we know you've been stressed out at school, so daddy and I went down there today, and we got you into..." "Miss Sparrow's class!" "Really?" "I thought you were setting me up." "But I want to stay with Mrs. Plank." "But why?" "Miss " " Miss Sparrow's so fun and creative." "Yeah, today, she gave us yarn, and we did whatever we wanted." "I don't want to play with yarn." "I want to read and learn math." "We do math." "Really?" "What's 2 plus 7?" "27." "No." "No, it's 9." "But that's an honest mistake, sweetheart." "Okay, what does blue and yellow make?" "Blellow." "You need to fix this." "I could not sleep all night thinking about those obnoxious people living next door to us." "Especially that boy with the ripped jeans and the long hair and those blue eyes who called me hot." "Me?" "Hot?" "What?" "Phil, you know a bad neighbor can ruin your whole life." "You remember my friend Juliet from yoga class?" "We went to her brother's restaurant." "Adult braces." "Nope." "Black." "Juliet." "How is she?" "Miserable." "These awful people moved in next door to her, and she feels like she's trapped in her house." "She has to run to her car every morning." " That explains those calves." " Phil." "What am I supposed to do?" "I have one offer, and it's way above asking." "Well, I don't know." "Maybe, isn't it possible that Jerry never even sees this offer?" "Things do go missing all the time." "I'm legally bound to present all offers." " Wink, wink." " Stop doing that." "Withholding information would be a violation of the realtor's oath." "Which you wrote." "Well, I also wrote my own wedding vows." "I guess I should break those, too?" "Phil." "What am I saying?" "I'll never send you to bed without a hug." "Manny up yet?" "He's getting dressed." "Why?" "He was asleep when I got home last night." "And I want to talk to him about the Sophie-Earl situation." "Are you going to start again?" "I am tired of hearing you rant about the crazy closet world." "Why would I rant about crazy closet world?" "Those lunatics priced themselves out of business years ago." "Manny?" "!" "Two minutes!" "I'm fixing my costume!" "If he wants to date this girl, it's none of your business." "That's exactly what I was gonna tell him." "Where's Jay?" "What the hell are you doing here?" "This thing between us is getting out of control." "We got to put an end to it right now." "As long as you own up to what you did 30 years ago." "If apologizing is gonna keep your no-good son away from my Sophie, then " "He's not a no-good!" "Yes, he is." "He's a walking hormone." "Now, let's hear this apology." "Fine." "I was under a lot of pressure back then, and " "Okay, keep in mind I'm not in makeup yet, but do these sandals make my legs look thick?" "'Cause I " " I could lower the hem." "Aw, geez." "Who's that?" "That's, uh, the maid's son." "Not now, Gomez!" "Jay, what are you doing?" "!" "Letting the man speak!" "I'm sorry, I didn't know we had any company." "Hi." "I'm Manny." "You're Manny?" "You said you were under pressure..." "This is the big stud who's been groping my Sophie?" "Sir, I promise you there's nothing untoward between me and Sophie." "You know what, kid?" "I believe you." "And you should." "He's the sweetest boy in the whole world!" "No, he's not!" "Pritchett, I wish I had a number-10 mirror so you could see the look on your face right now." "Hey, this is nice." "I think I am gonna call it the "sock 'n' roll."" "The hell you are." "Damn!" "That's a good name." "Hey, Phil." "Come on in." "Hey, Jerry." "Well, look at this bachelor pad." "Yeah." "And what a fun neighborhood you live in." "H-hey, you locked up your car, right?" " I definitely did, yeah." " Good." "Hey, you want some tea?" "This is my only pot, so it might be a little macaroni-and-cheesy." "I'm good." "I'm cutting carbs." "So, did you, uh, get a chance to look over that offer?" "Yeah, it's great." "I can finally move into a better place, maybe get that colonoscopy my doctor's been pushing for." "What if I told you there's an even better offer coming?" "There is?" "There sure might be!" "Tomorrow, someone could show up and offer way more." "But, Phil, this is above asking." "Why don't you want me to take it?" "Oh, just a bad feeling." "Are you not telling me something?" "Nope, that's just the f-- the bad feeling." "Good, because you're the only one" " I can trust these days." " Damn it!" "These new buyers just seem like terrible people." "I know it's selfish, but we just -- we don't want them living next door to us." "No, I get it." "The guys on the other side of this wall, they like to get drunk and play with their nail gun." "Oh, that's... crazy." "Listen, Phil." "You've always been a great neighbor and a good friend." "I think I can hold out a little longer on the offer." "Are you sure?" "Yeah." "I think of this old pickle jar as being half full." "Hot!" "I can't have anything nice." "Not the wall!" "On my honor, I promise to aid in man's quest for shelter, to recognize I'm not just in the business of houses " "I'm in the business of dreams in the shape of houses." "Hey!" "Careful with that!" "It's art." "I can't believe this is happening." "Who knows?" "Maybe we'll end up loving 'em." "Yeah." "Maybe." "To disclose all illegal additions, shoddy construction, murders, and ghosts..." "Are we wrong or is there some tension between the four of us?" "Uh, maybe a little." " Maybe a little." " Yeah." " I told ya." " Yeah." "All right." "Well..." "We're up for it whenever you are." "Wink, wink." "And to put my clients' needs before my own." "And mine." "Someone needs her bedtime hug early." "Yep." "Come here." " Hi, Ms. Plank." " Hey, Ms. Plank." "Well, well, well, if it isn't Mary Ann and Ginger." "That's hilarious." "Okay. 'Cause " " Yeah." " Oh." "Oh, that's funny." "And while while we're laughing about things, uh, this is funny, too." "It seems that we forgot to talk to Lily before coming in to see you." "And -- and she made it very clear in no uncertain terms that she loves you, and she wants to stay in your class." "How -- how great is that?" "I will take Lily back... if you are able to tell me the object of this sentence " "Oh, gosh." ""Lily's parents were wrong about Mrs. Plank."" "Do you know it?" "I " " I " " I think that the object is to humiliate us?" "Correct." "See?" "I can teach anybody."