"male announcer:" "IF YOU COULD TURN STUPIDITY INTO GOLD..." " YOU WEARING A BRA WITH THAT?" "announcer:" "THE FOLLOWING MORONS" "WOULD BE BILLIONAIRES." " DIRTY LITTLE BITCH." "announcer:" "THE GIRL WHO THOUGHT SHE COULD WELD..." "A GANGSTER WHO GOT STEAMED." " [screaming] announcer:" "HOW ABOUT AN ASSASSIN WHO TOOK THE FALL?" "A DRUNK DRIVER WHO TOOK A TUMBLE..." " FREEDOM GOOD!" "announcer:" "AND A TEA PARTIER" "WHO FINALLY GOT HER OWN POINT?" "[squelching] announcer:" "THE TRUTH IS, NONE OF THESE IDIOTS GOT RICH..." "JUST DEAD..." "ON THE NEXT EPISODE OF 1,000 WAYS TO DIE." "[rock music]" "DEATH IS EVERYWHERE." "MOST OF US TRY TO AVOID IT." "OTHERS CAN'T GET OUT OF ITS WAY." "EVERY DAY WE FIGHT A NEW WAR AGAINST GERMS," "TOXINS, INJURY," "ILLNESS, AND CATASTROPHE." "THERE'S A LOT OF WAYS TO WIND UP DEAD." "THE FACT THAT WE SURVIVE AT ALL IS A MIRACLE," "BECAUSE EVERY DAY WE LIVE," "WE FACE..." "WOMEN HAVE MADE GREAT PROGRESS" "BREAKING INTO BLUE-COLLAR JOBS" "SUCH AS WELDING..." "NO THANKS TO THIS DITZ." "CARLY WAS COMPLETELY CLUELESS." "HER BOSS WAS DESPERATE." "HE NEEDED A WELDER," "AND CARLY TOTALLY LIED ABOUT HER EXPERIENCE." " OXYACETYLENE IS ONE OF THE HOTTEST COMBINATION" "OF BURNING FUELS" "AND REACHES TEMPERATURES ABOVE 6,000 DEGREES." "IN THE PROCESS, IT SIMPLY USES OXYGEN" "AND ACETYLENE GAS," "MIXES THE TWO OF THEM THROUGH A REGULATOR SYSTEM." "BUT IN A FREE STATE, ANYTHING 15 P.S.I. OR ABOVE," "ACETYLENE IS VERY UNSTABLE." "announcer:" "CARLY SHOWED UP ON HER FIRST DAY" "WITH EQUIPMENT SHE BORROWED FROM AN EX-BOYFRIEND." "HER BOSS, GUS, WAS ALREADY" "REGRETTING HIS DECISION TO HIRE HER." "[cell phone ringing]" " HEY, BETH." "WHAT'S UP?" "WHAT?" "announcer:" "FINALLY, GUS PULLED THE PLUG" "ON HIS NEW EMPLOYEE." " CARLY!" "TURN THAT TORCH OFF." "JEEZ." "YOU'RE GONNA KILL SOMEBODY." "GET YOUR STUFF AND GET OUT." "announcer:" "CARLY DECIDED TO PROVE" "SHE HAD SOME WELDING SKILLS..." "ON GUS' CAR." "GUS, UNDERSTANDABLY, BLEW HIS TOP." " YOU!" "announcer:" "CARLY INEXPLICABLY BLEW HERS AS WELL." "[lock chirps]" "CARLY HAD CARELESSLY THROWN HER WELDING GEAR IN HER VAN," "WHICH CAUSED THE NOZZLE ON THE ACETYLENE TANK TO OPEN." "VERY QUICKLY, THE VAN FILLED UP" "WITH HIGHLY FLAMMABLE GAS." "WHEN CARLY HIT HER REMOTE TO UNLOCK THE VEHICLE" " RECEIVER AUTOMATICALLY ACTIVATES" "AN ELECTRIC MOTOR POWERED BY THE CAR'S BATTERY," "WHICH THEN TURNS A SERIES OF GEARS" "AND MOVES THE LOCKING ROD UP AND DOWN AS NEEDED." "announcer:" "SPARKS FROM THE LOCK MECHANISM" "IGNITED THE GAS..." "AND BLEW THE WORLD'S WORST WELDER" "TO KINGDOM COME." "CARLY LIED HER WAY INTO A JOB," "SPENT ALL HER TIME YAPPING INSTEAD OF WORKING" "AND GOT CANNED." " GET YOUR STUFF AND GET OUT." "announcer:" "THE ONLY THING SHE WAS REALLY QUALIFIED FOR... [lock chirps]" "DYING." "IN THE 1500s," "ITALY WAS NO DIFFERENT THAN TODAY." "MEN AND WOMEN GOT MARRIED, SWORE ETERNAL DEVOTION," "AND THEN CHEATED ON EACH OTHER." "TODAY'S TWO-TIMING PUTTANA-- KATERINA." "announcer:" "HER CUCKOLD HUSBAND KNEW SOMETHING WAS GOING ON." " KATERINA!" "announcer:" "SO, WHEN HE HAD TO GO ON A LONG BUSINESS TRIP," "HE LOCKED UP HER GRILLETTO IN A CHASTITY BELT." "HE DIDN'T WANT TO GET V.D...." "AGAIN." " THE CHASTITY BELT WOULD HAVE BEEN WORN" "AS A MEANS BY WHICH TO KEEP A MALE OR FEMALE CHASTE." "AND THEY PRETTY MUCH ACTED AS A DIAPER" "THAT WENT AROUND THE BODY" "THAT PROTECTED THE GENITAL AREA." "ALSO, THEY WERE DESIGNED FOR WOMEN." "THEY COULD URINATE AND THEY COULD, UH," "HAVE THEIR MENSTRUAL CYCLE." "announcer:" "WITH HUBBY AWAY, THE WIFE WILL PLAY." "BUT HER LOVER FOUND KAT'S KITTY WAS UNDER LOCK." "AND HE HAD A KEY." " AAH." "announcer:" "THE KNIFE ALMOST KILLED HER." "TIME FOR PLAN "B."" "A COMBINATION OF OLIVE OIL AND WATER" "ALLOWED THE WENCH TO SLIDE OUT OF THE CHASTITY BELT" "AND HER LOVER TO SLIDE RIGHT IN." "FOR THE NEXT FEW WEEKS," "THE CHEATERS WENT AT IT LIKE CONIGILA." "BUT WHEN HER HORNY HUBBY CAME BACK..." "HE DISCOVERED KATERINA WAS A LITTLE RUSTY." " WATER CAUSES METAL TO RUST, SO EVERY TIME THIS WOMAN" "SLID THE CHASTITY BELT ON AND OFF," "SHE MADE CONTACT WITH THE RUSTY EDGES." "AFTER CONTACT WITH THIS RUSTY BELT," "THE C. TETANI SPORES WERE ABLE TO PENETRATE THE SKIN." "THEY PRODUCED THE POTENT TOXIN TETANOSPASMIN," "WHICH ULTIMATELY LED TO LOSS OF MOTOR-NEURON CONTROL." "SHE EXPERIENCED MUSCLE SPASMS" "THAT LED TO LARYNX CONTRACTIONS" "THAT ULTIMATELY LED TO HER DEATH." "announcer:" "THERE'S A LESSON HERE." "WHETHER IT'S THE 14TH CENTURY OR THE 21ST," "INFIDELITY CAN GET PRETTY MESSY." "KATERINA COULDN'T KEEP HER LEGS SHUT." "AND NOW HER MOUTH IS..." "FOREVER." "COMING UP..." " DO I KNOW YOU, KID?" "announcer:" "THE GANGSTER THAT COULDN'T SHOOT STRAIGHT..." "AND HERE'S ONE WAY" "TO GET RID OF YOUR MOTHER-IN-LAW." "announcer:" "IN THE 1920s," "PROHIBITION UNLEASHED A WAVE OF VIOLENCE" "ACROSS THE U.S." "CRIME SYNDICATES WERE BORN" "AND FOUGHT A VICIOUS WAR FOR CONTROL OF THE BOOZE TRADE." "AFTER A BUSY DAY OF WHACKING," "SILVIO AND BIG TONY" "LIKED TO RELAX WITH A NICE STEAM." " THE FIX IS IN AT THE TRACK." "YOU'RE GONNA MAKE A BUNDLE." "announcer:" "BUT YOU NEVER KNEW WHO YOU WERE GOING TO MEET" "AT THE BATHHOUSE." "THIS IS NICOLO." "HIS FAMILY MADE A NICE PIECE OF CHANGE" "SELLING BLACK-MARKET BOOZE" "UNTIL SILVIO PUT A BULLET IN HIS FATHER'S HEAD." " THE 1930s WAS A TIME OF GREAT UNREST AND UPHEAVAL" "IN THE MOB FOR A VARIETY OF REASONS," "INCLUDING THE ENDING OF PROHIBITION." "THE MOST FREQUENT METHOD OF KILLING WAS BY GUNSHOT." "IF IT WAS A REVENGE KILLING," "IT WOULD TEND TO BE A LITTLE MORE GRUESOME." "FOR EXAMPLE, IF THEY THOUGHT SOMEONE WAS A SNITCH," "THE TONGUE MIGHT BE CUT." "THE VICTIM MAY WELL BE CASTRATED" "AND HAVE HIS GENITALS STUFFED IN HIS MOUTH." " DO I KNOW YOU, KID?" " NO." "announcer:" "NICOLO HAD BEEN FOLLOWING" "SILVIO AND BIG TONY FOR A WEEK." "HE THOUGHT THE STEAM ROOM WOULD BE HIS BEST CHANCE." " WHAT'S YOUR NAME?" " MY NAME IS NICOLO." "I BELIEVE YOU KNOW MY FATHER." "[gunshot] [screams]" "announcer:" "THE WET FLOOR" "CAUSED NICOLO TO SLIP AND MISFIRE." "THE BULLET WOUND UP PUNCTURING A STEAM PIPE." "TEMPORARILY STUNNED FROM HIS FALL," "HE GOT A SCALDING BLAST" "OF 350-DEGREE PRESSURIZED STEAM." "NICOLO'S FACE BLISTERED LIKE AN OVERCOOKED EGGPLANT." "HIS BRAIN TISSUE FUSED," "SHORT-CIRCUITING HIS HEART," "AND IT STOPPED." " IN THIS CASE, A GENTLEMAN WAS EXPOSED" "TO AN INSTANTANEOUS BLAST OF 400-DEGREE STEAM," "WHICH WOULD MELT AND LIQUEFY AND NECROTIZE" "ANY TISSUE IN ITS WAY, INCLUDING SINUSES," "ALL THE WAY UP TO THE BRAIN ITSELF." "DEATH WOULD RESULT IN MINUTES, IF NOT SECONDS." "announcer:" "NICOLO TRIED TO AVENGE HIS FATHER'S DEATH." " DO I KNOW YOU, KID?" "announcer:" "BUT INSTEAD HE FOLLOWED HIM TO THE GRAVE." " [screams] announcer:" "[Italian accent] YO, NICOLO," "IT'S A-TURN THE OTHER CHEEK," "NOT BURN-A THE OTHER CHEEK." "MEET THE MOTHER-IN-LAW FROM HELL." " WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" "announcer:" "EVER SINCE SABRINA" "STOLE BARBARA'S LITTLE BOY THREE YEARS AGO," "BARBARA HAS BEEN MAKING" "HER DAUGHTER-IN-LAW'S LIFE MISERABLE." " WHAT'S THAT, CABBAGE?" " YEAH, IT'S ACTUALLY CHINESE CABBAGE." " CHINESE?" "MITCH IS AN AMERICAN, HONEY, OKAY?" "announcer:" "AND WHEN IT CAME TO THE KITCHEN," "BARBARA ALWAYS KNEW WHAT WAS BEST." " MY BOY DOESN'T LIKE VEGETABLES." "WHERE'S THE MEAT?" " MORE WOMEN HAVE ISSUES WITH THEIR MOTHER-IN-LAW" "BECAUSE THE MOTHER-IN-LAW" "HAS RAISED THEIR SON TO BE A MOMMY'S BOY." "MANY MOTHERS BELIEVE THAT THERE IS NO OTHER WOMAN" "EXCEPT FOR HER" "WHO IS GOOD ENOUGH FOR HER SON." " DO YOU HAVE ANY CHEESE?" "OH, YEAH." " WE DON'T EAT CHEESE." " MMM-MMM-MMM." " BARB!" "announcer:" "SABRINA TRIED TO KEEP HER EMOTIONS IN CHECK," "BUT BARBARA'S CARPING WAS TOO MUCH FOR HER." " HE HAS LOST WEIGHT SINCE HE HAS BEEN WITH YOU." "announcer:" "AND SHE BOILED OVER." " WELL, NO WONDER, LOOK AT YOU!" "DISGUSTING." " DIRTY LITTLE BITCH." "GET OUT OF HERE!" "announcer:" "NOW WITH HER DAUGHTER-IN-LAW OUT OF THE WAY," "IT WAS TIME TO COOK SOME REAL FOOD." " OH, PIZZA!" "THANK GOD!" "OH!" "announcer:" "THAT'S WHEN BARBARA GOT..." " [screams] announcer:" "THE COLD SHOULDER." "THE PIZZA BOX WAS WEDGED INTO THE FREEZER." "WHEN BARBARA YANKED IT OUT," "THE ALREADY TOP-HEAVY REFRIGERATOR" "PASSED ITS TIPPING POINT," "AND BARBARA PASSED ON." " THE EDGE OF THE FREEZER DOOR" "IMPALED HER NECK, SEVERING HER CAROTID ARTERY" "AND JUGULAR VEIN, AS WELL AS CRUSHING HER TRACHEA." "AS SHE CONTINUED TO FALL," "THE 400-POUND REFRIGERATOR IMPALED HER SKULL," "FRACTURING HER SKULL INTO THOUSANDS OF PIECES" "AND CAUSING HER TO HAVE A SEVERE BRAIN CONTUSION," "KILLING HER INSTANTLY." "announcer:" "EVERYBODY WHO HAS A MOTHER-IN-LAW" "CAN SOMETIMES FIND THEM TRYING." " MY BOY DOESN'T LIKE VEGETABLES." "WHERE'S THE MEAT?" "announcer:" "YOU SUCK IT UP AND LEARN TO LEAVE EACH OTHER ALONE." " GET OUT OF HERE!" "announcer:" "BUT THEN THERE'S THE BITCH LIKE BARBARA..." " [screams] announcer:" "WHO'S BETTER OFF LEFT FOR DEAD." " REMEMBER THAT ONE TIME?" "announcer:" "TINA, SHELLY, AND JESSICA" "WERE THREE DIVORCEES WHO SPENT THEIR TIME" "DRINKING DOWN THEIR ALIMONY PAYMENTS." " TO THE DOUCHE BAGS." "announcer:" "IF THE BOOZE RAN OUT," "THEY TOOK TURNS GOING TO THE LIQUOR STORE." "JESSICA WAS TODAY'S DESIGNATED DRUNK DRIVER." " IT'S YOUR TURN." "announcer:" "BUT A RECENT D.U.I. AND IMPOUNDED CAR" "POSED A PROBLEM," "BUT NOT FOR LONG." " MOWER." "BYE." "[engine turns] announcer:" "JESSICA SET OFF FOR THE OPEN LAWN." " ANYONE THAT'S OPERATING A VEHICLE" "ON A PRIVATE OR A PUBLIC HIGHWAY," "SUCH AS AN ATV, A BICYCLE," "SOMEONE DRIVING A MOTORIZED LAWN MOWER," "CAN BE SUBJECT TO ARREST FOR D.U.I." "THROUGHOUT THE UNITED STATES," "APPROXIMATELY 1.4 MILLION PEOPLE" "ARE ARRESTED FOR DRIVING UNDER THE INFLUENCE ANNUALLY," "AND OF THAT NUMBER," "APPROXIMATELY 11,000 PEOPLE PER YEAR" "ARE KILLED IN DRUNK-DRIVING-RELATED ACCIDENTS." "announcer:" "AFTER RUNNING THE STOP SIGN," "JESSICA GOT SOME UNWANTED ATTENTION." " MA'AM, STOP THE TRACTOR, PLEASE." "[siren blaring]" "SHUT IT OFF!" "announcer:" "WITH THE COPS ON HER TRAIL, JESSICA PUNCHED IT." "[siren blaring]" " MA'AM, STOP THE TRACTOR." "announcer:" "BUT WITH A TOP SPEED OF FOUR MILES PER HOUR," "HE ONLY CHOICE WAS TO GO OFF-ROAD." " I'M GONNA HAVE HER STOPPED." "announcer:" "THAT'S WHEN JESSICA HIT ROCK BOTTOM." "THE FALL STUNNED HER," "BUT IT DIDN'T STOP THE MOWER." " THIS HIGH-POWERED LAWN MOWER-- 3,200 RPM, 22-INCH BLADE" "CUT RIGHT THROUGH HER TISSUE," "HER ARTERIES, AND HER BONE." "AND EVEN THEN, IT ONLY SLOWED DOWN TO 2,800 RPM" "STILL ENOUGH FORCE TO CUT THROUGH THE REST OF HER BODY." "JUST GROUND HER UP, AND ACTUALLY BLED OUT" "WITHIN A MATTER OF A FEW SECONDS." "announcer:" "BY THE TIME THE COP ARRIVED," "MISS D.U.I. WAS..." "D.O.A." "UP NEXT..." " YOU WEARING A BRA WITH THAT?" "announcer:" "A BAD APPLE FALLS FROM HIS TREE." "AND A TEA PARTY CANDIDATE" "TAKES A NEW POSITION" "ON GUN CONTROL." "[gunshot]" "announcer:" "PEOPLE DON'T ALWAYS BECOME SOCIOPATHIC JERKS." " YOU WEARING A BRA WITH THAT?" "announcer:" "SOMETIMES THEY'RE BORN THAT WAY." "LEE WAS NOT ONLY A FIRST-CLASS JERK." " CALL SOMEBODY WHO CARES, SIR." "HAVE A NICE DAY." "announcer:" "HE WAS ALSO A POSTER BOY FOR INCOMPETENCE." " OOPS." " I'M AFRAID WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO LET YOU GO." "announcer:" "BUT IN TODAY'S WORLD," "YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL WHEN YOU FIRE A NUT JOB LIKE LEE..." " YOU'RE GONNA REGRET FIRING ME." "[muttering] announcer:" "BECAUSE THAT MAY BE" "JUST ENOUGH TO TURN A JERK" "INTO A KILLER." "THERE ARE AN AVERAGE OF 500 WORKPLACE SHOOTINGS" "IN THE UNITED STATES EACH YEAR," "AND LEE WAS ABOUT TO ADD HIS NAME TO THE LIST." "HIS WEAPON OF CHOICE" "A SINGLE-SHOT, BOLT-ACTION RIFLE." " SINGLE-SHOT, BOLT-ACTION RIFLES" "HAVE A MUCH EASIER WAY OF BEING ASSEMBLED" "AND DISASSEMBLED," "AS OPPOSED TO A SEMIAUTOMATIC WEAPON." "THE OTHER THING THAT MAKES THEM DIFFERENT" "IS THAT THE ROUNDS ARE LOADED AND EJECTED" "MANUALLY BY THE SHOOTER." "THE VALUE OF HAVING A RIFLE" "THAT REALLY DOESN'T SELF-EJECT BRASS" "IS THAT THE SHOOTER DECIDES" "WHEN THAT BRASS CAN BE EJECTED," "SO THAT WON'T COMPROMISE HIS POSITION" "TO PREY OR AN ENEMY SNIPER." "announcer:" "BUT TODAY" "LEE HAD MUCH MORE THAN AN ITCHY TRIGGER FINGER." " [sneezes] announcer:" "IT WAS ALLERGY SEASON," "AND HE WAS SUFFERING FROM A FULL-BLOWN BOUT" "OF HAY FEVER." "LEE DIDN'T KNOW IT, BUT HE WAS ONE OF 5% OF PEOPLE" "WITH SEVERE ALLERGIES TO OAK POLLEN." "BY THE TIME HIS BOSS STEPPED OUT OF THE OFFICE... [gunshot]" " [sneezes] announcer:" "LEE WAS SUFFERING THE EFFECTS" "OF ALLERGY-INDUCED VERTIGO." " [sneezes] [screams]" " IN THIS INDIVIDUAL, WHO'S IN A TREE" "WITH LIKELY TENS OF THOUSANDS OF POLLEN PARTICLES," "IT ONLY TAKES MINUTES TO DEVELOP" "A SEVERE ALLERGIC REACTION." "HE DEVELOPED A SENSE OF VERTIGO" "CAUSED BY AN ALLERGIC INFLAMMATION IN THE EAR CANAL." "HE FELT A SENSE OF DIZZINESS" "AND SUBSEQUENTLY FELL FROM THE TREE." "THE FALL FROM THE TREE RESULTED IN THE COMPRESSION" "OF THE CERVICAL SPINAL CORD," "CAUSING THE PERSON'S PARALYSIS" "AND SUBSEQUENT DEATH." "announcer:" "LEE WAS AN ANGRY BIRD..." " CALL SOMEBODY WHO CARES, SIR." "announcer:" "WHO DIDN'T LIKE WHAT HE HEARD." " I'M AFRAID WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO LET YOU GO." "announcer:" "SO HE CLIMBED A TREE" "AND SQUEEZED..." "THEN SNEEZED." "IT DOESN'T TAKE MUCH ANALYSIS." "HE DIED FROM INSTANT PARALYSIS." " YEAH!" "announcer:" "THEY CALLED HER "MUSKET MARY."" " DO YOU LOVE AMERICA?" "announcer:" "SHE WAS RUNNING FOR MAYOR IN A SMALL TOWN" "IN THE MIDWEST." " WE'RE GONNA TAKE BACK THIS COUNTRY!" "[cheers and applause] announcer:" "SHE HAD ZERO POLITICAL EXPERIENCE..." " GOT SOME PROBLEMS IN THIS COUNTRY, YEAH?" "announcer:" "NO KNOWLEDGE OF HISTORY OR GOVERNMENT..." " FREEDOM GOOD, YEAH!" "announcer:" "WHICH EXPLAINS HER POPULARITY" "WITH THE LOCAL TEA PARTY." " WHOO-HOO!" " THE TEA PARTY MOVEMENT CUTS ACROSS" "ALL THE DIFFERENT LINES THAT MAKE UP THE AMERICAN PEOPLE" "GENDER LINES, INCOME LINES," "REGIONAL LINES, A LITTLE BIT OF EVERYTHING." "IT'S A HUGE GROUP OF PEOPLE" "WHO ARE ANGRY WITH THE LIBERAL AMERICA GOVERNMENT" "THEY FEEL IS TRYING TO CONTROL" "MORE ASPECTS OF THEIR LIFE EVERY SINGLE DAY." "announcer:" "THE MORE SOBER-MINDED POLITICAL OBSERVERS" "THOUGHT MARY TO BE CERTIFIABLY INSANE." " YEAH!" "WHOO!" "THEY BAIL OUT THESE--THESE-- THESE BANKS!" "announcer:" "BUT HER MACHINE-GUN MOUTH..." " ALL THESE CEOs RUNNING OFF WITH BAZILLIONS OF DOLLARS." "IT'S A NUMBER." "LOOK IT UP." "announcer:" "AND MUSKET PROP..." " WHOO-HOO!" "[gunshot]" "YEAH-HOO!" "announcer:" "WHIPPED HER SUPPORTERS INTO A FRENZY." "TONIGHT MARY AND HER MUSKET" "WERE FIRING ON ALL CYLINDERS." " WE'RE GONNA RUN THOSE POLITICIANS OUT OF WASHINGTON" "THROUGH THE BALLOT BOX" "OR WITH THE END OF A MUSKET!" "[cheers and applause] YEAH-HA-HA!" "announcer:" "BUT THEN SOMETHING DISLODGED" "INSIDE HER BRAIN." " [slurring] FREEDOM." "announcer:" "AND MUSKET MARY... all:" "OH!" "announcer:" "BLEW A GASKET." " [screams]" "[overlapping murmurs]" " SHE WAS SO EXCITED" "THAT SHE ACTUALLY DEVELOPED A HEMORRHAGIC STROKE," "BECAUSE WHAT HAPPENS IS THEIR BLOOD PRESSURE" "GOES WAY UP." "AND IF YOU HAVE A WEAK SPOT IN ONE OF THE ARTERIES," "IT'LL RUPTURE, AND BLOOD WILL BE POURED OUT INTO THE BRAIN." "SHE BECAME VERY FAINT AND FELL ON A SHARP BAYONET," "SLICING RIGHT THROUGH THE BRAIN-STEM ARTERY," "CAUSING IMMEDIATE DEATH AND HEMORRHAGE." "announcer:" "THIS JUST IN" "EARLIER THIS EVENING AT A MIDWEST POLITICAL RALLY..." " FREEDOM GOOD!" "announcer:" "A CANDIDATE KNOWN AS MUSKET MARY" "IMPALED HERSELF ON HER BAYONET." "[all gasp]" "AT THIS POINT IT IS BEING CALLED" "AN ACCIDENTAL SELF-ASSASSINATION." "STAY TUNED FOR FURTHER UPDATES." " IT'S ORIGINAL."