"( theme song playing )" "NEWKIRK:" "I'm going to build one of these bunks, you know, at home after the war." "What will you do with it?" "I think I'll chop it up." "I'm not sure I should get rid of this old mattress." "It's so nice and thin, I could use it as a sheet." "Oh, look at the lumps in that bloody thing." "How'd you ever sleep in it?" "For every lump in that mattress, there's a corresponding dent in me." "SCHULTZ:" "Schnell, schnell, schnell, schnell." "Oh, schnell yourself." "You should be glad to get new mattresses." "I am, Schultz, but it's like losing an old friend." "What's the angle, Colonel?" "Angle?" "What do you mean?" "Yesterday, a new stove." "Today, new mattresses." "I don't understand you, Hogan." "Every time I do something decent, must I have an angle?" "Yes." "Dismissed." "Oh, Hogan, you better see to it that the barracks are in order." "The Red Cross inspector's going to surprise us with a visit." "Mm-hmm, and as soon as he leaves, so do the new mattresses." "You know, I never thought of that." "Hogan, I think you would have made an excellent prison commandant." "I applied for the job, but they wouldn't take me." "I passed the mental test." "( giggles nervously )" "( convoy approaching )" "Schultz!" "Come on, Schultz..." ""Come on, Schultz..."" "( groans )" "Fancy bumping into you." "Major Hochstetter, how very nice of you to drop by." "If anyone makes an unnecessary move, shoot to kill." "Shoot to kill?" "What do you have in the truck, prisoners?" "No, dancing girls." "Of course prisoners!" "The most important prisoners you will ever see-- every important leader of the underground movement." "Well, my congratulations, Major Hochstetter." "What is this man doing here?" "Oh, I'm so sorry." "Major Hochstetter, this is the American prisoner, Colonel Hogan." "Colonel Hogan, this is..." "Klink, did I ask for an introduction?" "I just thought I'd show the new prisoners around, with your permission, of course." "What is this man doing here?" "!" "Schultz, escort Colonel Hogan back to the barracks at once." "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant." "A special armed guard is coming to take these prisoners to Berlin." "In the meantime, I want you to prepare a maximum-security block for them." "Yes, sir, maximum security." "You can depend on me." "I am sure it's not necessary to tell you what will happen to you should there be an escape, hmm?" "An escape from Stalag 13?" "That's a good one." "You will be shot." "That's another good one." "What is this man doing here?" "!" "Just leaving." "Colonel Hogan, those prisoners won't escape from Stalag 13, will they?" "I don't know, Schultz, but if they do," "I'll make sure you're the first to know." "Please, Colonel Hogan, if they do, let me be the last to know." "Hi, Schultzy." "Have a cigarette?" "Go on, Schultz." "Five guards with machine guns." "They're sure not taking any chances with those underground prisoners." "NEWKIRK:" "And look who's guarding us" " Schultz." "I think it's a plot to make us feel worthless." "We will be if we don't free those prisoners." "I don't want to seem negative, Colonel, but getting those new prisoners out of the cooler won't exactly be a piece of cake." "That translates into French as rien à faire and then back into English as meaning definitely impossible." "I'm with you." "From Hilda." "Information on the underground prisoners." ""Lydon from Austria, Albins from Belgium," "Calaruso from Italy, Belét from France."" "( whistles ) The major leaders of the underground." "With those fellas out of action, the Resistance movement will be at a standstill." "Well, what are we going to do about it?" "It's simple-- a tunnel." "We dig a tunnel." "Forget it." "It would take a week to dig a tunnel." "That special escort will be here any day." "Well, all right." "It was a rotten idea, but at least I was first." "The cooler they're being kept in-- it's in pretty bad shape, isn't it?" "Shocking." "And with the Red Cross inspector due, it should be put in shape like the rest of the camp-- new mattresses, new stove, right?" "Right, but I still don't see how that's going to help us get those prisoners out." "Good." "Maybe Klink won't see how either." "And despite adverse conditions, I am again forced to report that Stalag 13 is operating at 100% efficiency." "I guess that sums it up, Fraulein Hilda." "Wouldn't you say so?" "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant." "Is that all?" "Not quite." "You see, I just came into possession of a perfectly splendid bottle of wine, and I thought possibly this afternoon you and I could..." "Not today, Colonel." "I just don't quite feel up to it." "Perhaps tomorrow?" "( door opens )" "Fill out that memo in triplicate and send it out immediately." "Of course, sir." "Hogan, I don't recall having sent for you." "Not a very friendly attitude." "I certainly hope the new camp commandant is more agreeable." "New camp comma..." "That's ridiculous!" "You didn't expect to keep your job after the Red Cross inspector sees this place?" "You know, Hogan, there are times when you can be most tiresome, and this is one of them." "Stalag 13 is a model prison camp." "Really?" "Every inch." "Including the cooler, where the underground prisoners are being held?" "The comfort of those prisoners is Major Hochstetter's concern, not mine." "You're not concerned." "Well, I certainly think Major Hochstetter wouldn't want to hear that." "Hogan..." "Colonel, I'm trying to help you." "Would Hochstetter do as much?" "He gave the orders." "No one is to interfere with his prisoners." "Sure, what does he care?" "Is the Red Cross going to mention his name to the Inspector General?" "You can bet your monocle they won't." "But that's different." "Well, sure, it is." "But just remember, the Inspector General always has an extra ticket handy for the Stalingrad Express." "Just a moment, Hogan." "What's to be done exactly?" "Nothing much-- clean up, a new stove." "We have new mattresses;" "they should have new mattresses." "Otherwise the old ones will stick out like a sore thumb." "But Major Hochstetter..." "Change them when Hochstetter isn't around." "It'll only take your men a few minutes." "I'll supervise for you." "My men?" "It's your idea." "Your men will change them, and I will supervise." "I wouldn't have it any other way." "Can't your men work any faster?" "All right, come on, fellas." "Speed it up." "Look at the time." "They're supposed to be finished by now." "Relax." "Hochstetter's in town, isn't he?" "What if he comes back early?" "So what?" "Who's in charge here?" "You give the orders." "You're not afraid of Hochstetter." "If he interferes, tell him off." "Yes, of course." "I'm glad you feel that way, because here he comes." "What is going on here, Klink?" "What are these men doing around the restricted area?" "Major Hochstetter, please control yourself." "We're just doing a little housecleaning." "Housecleaning?" "This is a prison." "Major Hochstetter, back from town so soon?" "Klink, isn't this man ever locked up?" "Careful how you talk to Colonel Klink, sir." "The Gestapo doesn't frighten him." "Hogan!" "Sir, Colonel Hogan is most cooperative." "It's the only way to be, sir." "And I'm sure you've got more important things to do, so don't let us hold you up." "HOCHSTETTER:" "What is this?" "This is a mattress, sir." "I know it's a mattress." "What are you doing with it?" "Oh, that's all right, Major." "They are just following my orders." "Oh?" "The Red Cross inspector-- he would never approve those mattresses." "Why?" "What's wrong with them?" "Well, they're old, they're worn." "Probably contaminated." "HOCHSTETTER:" "They look all right to me." "Halt!" "Hogan, you and your men..." "HOCHSTETTER:" "The truck!" "This is your idea of housecleaning?" "Major Hochstetter, I don't understand." "Believe me..." "Kruger!" "From now on, anyone who crosses this line will be shot..." "Major Hochstetter..." "Especially Colonel Klink." "This is unheard of." "I assure you..." "Just a hunch, Colonel, but I don't think you're wanted around here." "We really blew that one." "All the way." "NEWKIRK:" "Yeah, the old Kraut's going to be pretty tough to live with from now on." "Oh, I can handle Klink." "It's the guys in the underground I'm worried about." "We can forget about them." "Hochstetter's doubled the guard." "LeBeau's right-- they're done for." "NEWKIRK:" "They won't get out till the war's over." "Yeah." "Yeah, that's it." "NEWKIRK:" "What's it?" "What you said." "That's the answer." "They won't get out until the war's over." "NEWKIRK:" "So?" "It's simple." "We'll end the war." "Do you really think we're going to convince Klink and Hochstetter that the war is over?" "There's no guarantee, but if we pull it off, those underground prisoners are going to go free." "It's got to be worth a try." "All right, good." "Thomas?" "The radio station in Hammelburg." "We'll take it exactly 4:55." "You got your script?" "Yeah, right here." "All right, good." "Newkirk?" "I take care of the switchboard, sir." "And you intercept Hochstetter's call to Berlin." "What if he doesn't make it?" "Don't worry, he'll make it." "LeBeau..." "Dummy newspaper-- plant it on Schultz." "Good." "Now, Hilda knows what to do?" "Don't worry." "She'll get Klink to turn on the radio at exactly 5:00, just for you... and a pound of coffee and six pair of nylons." "Ain't love grand?" "Thanks." "Let's go." "Fraulein Hilda, one sip of this and you won't be able to control yourself." "Why, Colonel, whatever gave you the idea that I would want to control myself?" "Don't be bashful." "Bottoms up." "Mmm... that's marvelous." "It makes me feel warm all over." "Me, too." "But you haven't had any yet." "Oh." "Do you know what I'd really like?" "Name it." "Music." "Romantic music." "( clicks radio on )" "( music playing on radio )" "( music ends )" "That was nice, ja?" "And now our Fuhrer's favorite, The Ride of the Valkyries, dedicated to our victorious troops on the Russian front." "( The Ride of the Valkyries playing )" "( shuts off phonograph )" "Achtung!" "Achtung!" "We interrupt this program to bring you an important news bulletin." "The war is over." "KINCHLOE ( continues ):" "Armistice has been declared." "At 4:55 this afternoon, the Berlin High Command announced the end of hostilities between Germany and the Allied forces, officially ending the war." "We repeat, the war is over!" "Stay tuned to this station for further bulletins." "Fraulein Hilda, did you hear that?" "The war is over." "Call Colonel Hogan, Major Hochstetter." "The war is over!" "It's over!" "It's over." "But I tell you, I heard it with my own ears." "Impossible!" "There must be some mistake." "How could I make a mistake about something like that?" "If anybody could make a mistake about something like that, Klink, you are the one." "It was on the radio." "The High Command announced it." "I heard it with my own ears." "Fraulein Hilda heard it, too." "Fraulein Hilda!" "Yes, sir." "Did you hear the armistice announcement?" "Well, I'm not sure." "You see, I was concentrating on something else at the time." "Dear girl." "There must be some way of confirming it." "Well, there's Colonel Bomberg." "Surely he would know." "Call him!" "Call him!" "Very well, Klink, but I warn you-- if you have me make a fool of myself..." "I tell you, it's true, sir." "It is true." "Operator." "Hello, operator." "( with German accent ):" "Your call, please." "Ja, this is Major Hochstetter." "I want to speak to Colonel Bomberg." "( music playing, girls giggling )" "( with German accent ):" "Colonel Bomberg's office." "Leutnant von Streckner speaking." "This is Major Hochstetter." "Is Colonel Bomberg in?" "Jawohl, Major, but he may have a little trouble getting to the telephone." "The last time I saw him, he was swinging from a chandelier." "Bomberg is swinging from a chandelier." "( chuckles ):" "Well, if the war isn't over, he just cracked up." "Hello." "Hello, Bomberg." "Hochstetter here." "Bomberg, I wonder if you could verify a rumor that... ( as Bomberg ):" "It's all over, Hochstetter!" "Did you hear the news?" "It's over." "( female voice ):" "Ach, Liebchen, kommen sie back to the party." "Hello." "Hello!" "( as Bomberg ):" "Heidi, I told you, everybody out!" "( footsteps clopping )" "( party sounds stop, door slams )" "( party sounds resume )" "Hochstetter, it's wild here, I tell you." "Wild!" "I can't believe it." "Are you sure the war is over?" "What is this, some kind of a joke?" "Sure, I'm sure." "Don't you think I know when a war is over, Dummkopf?" "Oh, of course, I do." "It's just that it's so sudden." "Look, if it's too sudden for you, Hochstetter, why don't you make believe that the war is on for a couple of days while I go back to the party." "No, no, I heard that the war was over." "I just wanted to check with you to make sure." "You can take my word for it." "The war is definitely over." "( door slams, footsteps clopping )" "( female voice ):" "Oh, what about the party?" "Everybody's coming and it's my... ( as Bomberg ):" "Oh, Liebchen, give me one... ( another voice ):" "But you told me... ( as Bomberg ):" "Ah, but ladies, please, please..." "You're tearing my uniform!" "Get back!" "( horns blow )" "Oh, so long, Hochstetter!" "Well, it's over." "It's really over." "See, I told you so." "( chuckles )" "Yeah, not bad." "Not bad, Colonel." "Had me fooled for a minute, but that hokey phone call." "Come on, Hochstetter!" "Hokey phone call?" "You went one step too far, overdone." "It's like your German operas." "I heard it from Bomberg himself." "Hey, Schultzy, did you drop this can of chocolate?" "Did I?" "You must have, it isn't mine." "I'll get it for you." "Ah, ah!" "I wouldn't ask a prisoner to do something I would not do myself." "Ja, it is mine." "I must have a hole in my pocket." "You also have one in your character." "No one is perfect." "Ha!" "( humming )" ""D-Der Krieg Ist Zu Ende!"" "Der... der Krieg ist zu Ende!" "Believe me, Hogan, if Bomberg says the war is over, the war is over." "Really, Hogan, you're the most stubborn man I've ever met." "I'm not stubborn, I'm wise to you." "You release the prisoners, they walk out the gate, the Gestapo's waiting outside with machine guns" ""Shot while escaping."" "I'm just not buying it, Klink." "Colonel!" "Colonel!" "Colonel, it's over!" "The war is over!" "Well, Hogan, what do you say now?" "I..." "I don't know what to think." "( groans )" "I am the colonel, you are the sergeant, and you are not discharged yet." "Speaking of discharges, what are you planning on doing, Colonel," "I mean, if the war is really over?" "Well, back to civilian life." "You know, Hogan, a man with my experience as a bookkeeper shouldn't have any trouble finding work." "All the big companies need bookkeepers." "How about you, Schultz?" "I was in toys, but the government took over the toy factory for the war effort." "Now that the war is over," "I hope they're going to give back the toy factory." "Then we can make toys again." "And what company was it, Schultz?" "The Schatzi Toy Company." "Oh." "Hogan, you wouldn't know about that, but the Schatzi Toy Company is the biggest toy company in all of Germany." "Schultz, do you think your boss would give you your old job back, huh?" "Why not?" "I'm the boss." "You own the Schatzi Toy Company?" "Jawohl." "Schultz, would you like a cigar?" "Thank you, Colonel." "Please don't call me "Colonel."" "Call me "Wilhelm."" "Danke, Wilhelm." "Hogan, you're a free man." "The war is over." "You may go." "If you don't mind, I'll wait." "I'm still not sold." "Do as you wish." "Of course it's really none of my business, Major Hochstetter, but you could help erase the bad image the Gestapo has by releasing your prisoners now." "I mean, they're civilians-- that is, if the war is really over." "Hogan, the war is over!" "But I think I'd better wait." "A special armed guard is on its way here from Berlin to pick them up." "Believe me, Hochstetter, those armed guards turned back the moment they heard the news." "While you're here waiting for them, they're back in Berlin dancing in the streets." "You may be right." "And I think Colonel Hogan had a very good suggestion." "I don't think it would do any harm for the Gestapo to act a little bit more human." "Klink!" "Careful, the war is over." "You know what?" "What?" "I think I will go release my prisoners." "Now I'm convinced the war is over." "ALL:" "* In all my dreams" "* In all my dreams... *" "Look at them." "I told them they can go and they're having such a good time, they don't want to leave." "No one ever wants to leave Stalag 13." "Excuse me a minute." "I should be sharing this moment with my men." "( singing and laughing )" "All right, hold it, hold it." "We didn't go to all this work just to have the eight of you organize a singing group." "Sorry, Colonel, we couldn't tell them." "Schultz was here." "Okay, beat it." "Haven't you heard, Colonel?" "The war is over!" "I know, the five of us ended it, and as soon as Klink and Hochstetter find out, they're going to start it up again." "What a beautiful job." "How did you do it?" "No time now." "You can read about it next month in Stars and Stripes, now beat it." "Keep up the good work." "Yeah, same to you." "Come on." "Good-bye, then." "Hold it, hold it." "You guys should go in style." "Major Hochstetter, can I see you a minute, please?" "Don't push your luck, Colonel." "Haven't you heard, there's a war on." "You've got to take chances." "Yes?" "Your... your prisoners have decided to leave us, but it's a long hike into town." "I was wondering if they might borrow your car." "Borrow my car?" "Well, they'll return it tomorrow, won't you, fellas?" "MAN:" "Yeah." "These are going to be big men in industry, and who knows?" "You may need a job." "Well, I don't..." "Look, I'll tell you what." "I'll sign for it." "If they don't return it, I'll pay for it." "Yes, but..." "What difference does it make?" "The war's over." "Well, yes, the war is over... but..." "Well, all right, take the car." "( car engine starts )" "Well, gentlemen, shall we celebrate?" "Ah, General Busse, this is indeed a great pleasure." "Speak for yourself, Klink." "Now, what is this-- guards without guns, uniforms unbuttoned, prisoners running wild?" "Well, I..." "You call this discipline?" "No, sir." "General." "At ease." "I heard in Berlin that congratulations are in order." "Capturing those underground leaders is quite a feather in your cap, huh?" "Thank you, General." "Of course, it doesn't mean as much now, hmm?" "Now that the war is over?" "The what is what?" "The war-- it's over." "The war is over." "That's right, General." "Haven't you heard?" "No, and neither have the Americans." "They bombed Berlin just one-half hour ago." "You mean the war isn't over?" "Of course it is not over!" "Gee, Hochstetter, what a bad break, and after you let those four underground prisoners go." "But you made a lot of friends for the Gestapo." "You stupid fool, you!" "You have been tricked." "And you... you..." "you idiot, you." "I will see to it that you are..." "Sir, I hate to butt in, but all of Colonel Klink's prisoners are still here." "That's right." "That's right!" "Schultz, close the gates." "The war is back on." "I will deal with you back in Berlin." "Now follow me in your car." "( clicks heels )" "My car?" "I..." "Well, sir... my car..." "Uh, sir, knowing your sense of fair play, you can understand the major lending his car to the prisoners." "I mean, it's miles to town." "You did what?" "!" "Get in my car!" "Amazing, Hogan, absolutely amazing." "What was, sir?" "That the underground could create such a hoax." "I'm surprised they fooled the Gestapo." "Well, it didn't surprise me." "I'll remember that." "You'll forget it." "Wilhelm, if you work for me after the war," "I hope you won't be so easily fooled." "You and Hochstetter..." "( cigar box closes )" "The war is not over." "The war is not over." "Out?" "Out!" "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant." "What was that you said about the Gestapo?" "Forget it." "He would make a lousy bookkeeper."