"Family Guy 4x17 "The Fat Guy Strangler" Transcription by sashabe" "Peter, don't forget you have a physical today at one o'clock." "For the hundred time, Lois, I won't forget." "Nag, nag, nag..." "Sometimes I think I should have married that woman I've met when I were at my bachelor party." "Peter, I can't believe your friends just left you here." "Let's get you home." "Wow, strange lady, you're so sexy." "I should marry you tomorrow instead of that pain-in-the-ass Lois." "Peter, it's me." " You know what?" ".." "Screw it!" "I am so gonna cheat on Lois right now..." "I don't care if she finds out." " Peter..." " You've got a condom?" "Nevermind, I've got this Milky Way wrapper." "Put this on." " Why?" "Because I'm skipping my physical to go have steaks with the guys and I don't want Lois to know about it." " Uhm..." "OK." "Lois, I'm going to my physical now." " OK, honey, I'll see you later." "Uhm..." "What the hell I've just asked..." "Why do we need the horsesuit for that?" ".." "That's seven sixteen ounce steaks." "Come on, Joe, you haven't even finished one!" "I mean, that guy had two." "I know, I know, I'm terrible, which is why I'm gonna order the cheesecake." "I can't do it, I'm..." "I'm so full." " Full of what?" "Estrogen?" "Come on, take this dirt off, you pansy." "Let's go, shut out, Mary Jane." " I said I can't." "Eat it." "Eat the damn steak." " Come on, what you are waiting for?" "I said I'm not hungry!" "Where is it now, huh?" "!" "Where is it now?" "!" "Easy, sailor." "Easy." " Put the gun down, Joe." "Yeah, nobody is judging you, man, it's cool." "I'll just put this back in your purse next to your tampons." "All right, let's start the bidding." "Jennifer, how much do you bid?" "$675, Bob." " Steven?" "$780." " Tammy?" "What was the last bid?" " $780." "**** you!" "Hi honey, how was your physical?" " Good, good." "Too good, in the matter of fact, you know what the doctor said?" "The doctor said I was too healthy." "In too good of shape." "Don't even know how." "Too good of shape." " You didn't go to your physical, did you?" "I did not." "So, doctor, is Peter healthy?" " My goodness, you'll be dead within a month." "What?" "!" "Oh, Helga the Horrible, if you keep up that lifestyle of pillaging and giant turkey legs you'll be dead within a month." "Now onto you." " So, what do you think?" "Pretty healthy, huh?" "Well, mister Griffin, let's take a look at your physical results." "There's a spyder in here." "Now, here we go." "Mister Griffin, you'll going to expire in a month." "This is your driver's license, isn't it?" "Now, unfortunately, I'm afraid you're going to die when you'll watch these Dean Martin celebrity rosts." "Will you just tell us how Peter's health is?" "!" "Mister Griffin, I'm not quite sure how to say this." "Kim Basinger?" "But now, onto the cancer." "You are a Cancer, right, you were born in July?" "Now onto these test results..." "Oh my, they are much worse than I thought." "My son got a D minus on his history test." "Now, mister Griffin, that liver has got to come out." "It's been in the microwave for three minutes, it will get dry." "Now..." "Please, we can't take anymore schtick." "Please, just tell us, is Peter healthy?" "Oh yeah, he's fine, he's just really fat." " Thank God." "Wait, wait, hang on for a second." "Did you just say I was fat?" "Well, yeah, you are pretty fat." " OK, this is news to me." "Boy, this is more awkward than having sex with the rhinoceros who doesn't love you anymore." "Why wouldn't you look at me, darling?" "Hey, how was your physical?" " Stupid doctor said I was fat." "Can you believe that idiot?" " Well, Peter, you are on the large side." "Oh, please, Brian, if I was fat, could I do this with the hoolahoop?" "Oh, no, no, I guess you couldn't do that if you were fat." "Careful, Peter, that's an old family photo." "My mother gave it to me." "Huh, that's weird." "I didn't know you've had a brother." " I don't." "I mean, I don't think so." "Hey, if I'm fat, then Stewie is fat too, because we wear the same size." "Hello pumpkin." " Hello daddy." "Did I miss your piano recital?" " No, daddy." "I'm in my forties now." "Good God!" " I have a question I'd wanted to ask." "Do I have a brother?" " No, no, don't be silly!" "'Cause I found this picture..." "Oh, Dick, thanks God you're here." "Talk to her." " Message CM 27." "The subscriber you are trying to reach is unavailable or outside the calling area." "What do you feel like doing later?" " Message CM 42." "Let's go pay some hookers to knuck our junk around." "Are you sure this is a good idea?" "Dad is never gonna tell me the truth." "The only way to find out is to check the family records." "Huh, breaking into the grandpa' and grandma's house." "This is more exciting than that time I saw Bobby MacFerrin fall down all those stairs." "Wait!" "What are you doing?" "They are sleeping in here." " Oh please, they get so doped upon sleeping pills and liquor an earthquake wouldn't wake them up." "My God, how does she sleep at night knowing she has to funnel this old duffer's hog?" "This is it, Patrick Pewterschmidt." "Meadowlane 56, Brookfield." "I do have a brother." "Oh my God, I've got to meet him." "Hey Brian, you know what would be fun?" "Oh, God, totally." "Awesome!" "You know, sometimes the old-fashioned play things are the best." "Hey, kids of America!" "It's hand-painted wooden ball-in-a-cup!" "Who needs constant electronic video stimulation, when there's ball-in-a-cup." "Mexico's favourite toy for over 340 years!" "Toss the ball, catch it in the cup, thumb it out of the cup, toss it and catch it in the cup again." "The ball is on the string and attached to the cup, so there's no worry if you don't catch the ball-in-a-cup and clean-up is as easy as catching a ball-in-a-cup." "So why spend another day not catching a ball-in-a-cup when you could be catching a ball-in-a-cup." "Peter, I think maybe you're in denial about this fat thing." "Oh yeah?" "Well I challenge you to prove to me that I'm fat." " OK, hang on." "See this?" " Yeah." " You know what it is?" " It's an apple." " Good, good, good." "All right, watch this." "What da hell?" "What is this?" "What is this, some kind of gag?" " No, that's orbit." "You have your own gravitational pole." " Oh that's a bunch of crap." "Now back to The Three Stooges." "Can you believe I'm about to meet my long-lost brother?" "Maybe dateline will do a story about us, huh?" "!" "I've got to meet that pumpers ass Stone Phillips." "He's a kinda guy you hate till he's inside ya." "That is, Meadowlane 56." "Brookfield insane asylum?" " My God, mom's brother's crazy." "Oh no, I didn't catch the ball-in-a-cup." "Oh, wait a minute, it's OK, because the ball is on the string and attached to the cup." "Doctor, is my brother really insane?" "Mrs. Griffin, we do not use the word 'insane'." "We prefer the term 'mentally hilarious'." "I can't wait to meet the lunatic." "I bet it's even weirder than commercial I saw." "Hey, is that the new butter substitute?" " It sure is." "Is it true it has half the calories of butter and margarine with all the great taste?" "Can I have that?" " Get your own." "Take that, you bitch!" " What da hell?" "!" "How do you like that?" "Joke's on you, I have hepatitis." "Patrick?" "My name is Lois, i'm your sister." "Oh my God, Lois, I never thought i'd see you again." "These are my children." " Why are you living in a crazy house, uncle Patrick?" "Well, when I was just a little boy, I had a very traumatic experience." "Mommy, can I have a drink of water?" "Jackie Gleason!" " Beat it, kid, your mother's busy." "Pow!" "Right in the kisser!" "Oh, that's a horrible story." " Yes, I was so traumatized they sent me here and I guess they must have forgotten about me." "Well, you seem perfectly normal to me." "And no brother of mine is gonna be couped up inside insane asylum." "We are taking you back to Quahog with us." " Oh, that's a great idea." "Maybe he can bring us a sling blade and order up some french-fried potaters." "Thank God I'm out of that hospital." "It's great to be eating lunch with my family, instead of a bunch of chronic masturbaters." "Those people are disgusting." "Is it lonely up there on your pedestal, Patrick?" " Oh, Peter, there you are." "This is my brother, Patrick." "Ye-yeah, good to meet you, Patrick." "All right, listen up everybody." "I have something to tell you." "I'm not quite sure how to say this." "I'm fat." "I'm gonna give you a minute to absorb that." "That's the way it is, it's nobody's fault." "Meg." "But I decided to do something about it." " Oh great, you can drop some weight, fat ass?" "No, dummie." "I'm gonna help make this a fatman's world." "By establishing the National Association for the Advancement of Fat People." "This is the best idea I've had since I slayed that dragon." "Cybil Shepard?" " Yes?" "People, you are free!" "You know, I'm very glad you're here, Patrick." "Well, I wanna tell you that Marion and I both appreciate what you've done." "Marion?" "Oh, you have a girlfriend?" "Oh, where are my manners?" "Marion is my wife." "She's sitting right next to me." "Here we go." "Nice to meet you, Marion." " What's that, honey?" "Oh, yes." "Hang on, Marion wants some coffee." "Lois, did you see that?" "He is nuts!" " Brian, he's been locked up in that place for 30 years." "It's perfectly understandable that he did invent an imaginary companion." " Yes, he is even more imaginative than the people who invented singing." "All right everyone, I'd like to get started." "You know, maybe everyone should sit down." "OK, that's better." "Welcome everybody to the..." "Snacks are best saved for later." "OK, now I've prepared an agenda for our organisation, what we want from the community as fat people with pride." "All right, I think we've got a lot accomplished here today, we'll pick this up again tomorrow." "Hey guys, I'm going for a run, do me a favour in keep Marion company while I'm gone?" "Aaa, sure." " Great." "Buy, honey." "Hey Brian, Marion just called you an alcoholic." "Oh yeah?" ".." "Marion just called you a homo!" " Wait a second, I'll be right back." "Hey Brian, what if I put this cucumber right here, put the cucumber right there." "Do you think Patrick will be angry?" " I don't know man, it's his wife." "If I put it right there?" "Right at that spot, right there on the couch?" "Hey, Marion is giving you the thumbs up." " What we should do?" "We should lay it and sit here for a couple of weeks and see if it pickles." "If out of three weeks it pickles, then she's real, and we both have to buy Patrick a steak." "Hey, pie." "I know what you want." "I saw you in that movie." "Whore, slut, bitch." "You don't deserve damn sex with me, instead I'm gonna it the hole out of ya." "Peter, did you start a coalition for fat guys?" " Yrah, the Fat Guy Coalition." "Peter, you shouldn't encourage people to be fat." "Fat people are immoral." "How did you figure, sports fan?" " They are just bad people, like that Jackie Gleason." "He was fat, and he was bad." "One time, when I was a boy..." "Oh, I love Jackie Gleason, hey, take a look on what I bought at this TV convention." "It's a bus driver's uniform." "Pow!" "Right in the kisser!" "Wow, that's set him off like a Paul Schaefer firealarm." "Hello?" " Lois, it's your father." "The hospital called and said you released Patrick." "Have you lost your mind?" "He's incredibly dangerous." "Oh, well that's ridiculous!" "Patrick is a very nice man, and you should be ashamed of yourself for locking up your own son!" "Whose pickle is this?" "This just in: the body of a local fatman was found murdered in Quahog park last night." "Police released this sketch of the suspect:" "Oh my God!" "Police also released this sketch of a female accomplice believed to be his wife:" "Hello, I'm Tom Tucker." "Quahog's newest serial killer has struck again." "Since the first victim at Quahog park last week, three more men have been killed." "All of them very, very fat." "Lois, that sketch looks a lot like Patrick." " Oh, that's ridiculous." "I don't know, I mean he's clearly crazy, look at that imaginary wife of his." "Well if she's imaginary, how will you explain a pickle on the couch?" "I don't understand what..." "Oh wait?" "Really?" "Hey Stewie!" "I know, I know, I've heard." "Patrick, where have you been?" "Oh, it's nothing you need to concern yourself with, Lois." "That's a relief." "Oh yeah, yeah, that's a relief, the fat guy strangler is living here, and there's a fat guy in the house." "This will be a bigger disaster the one Peter did Tara Reids' boob-job." "Oop, drop some pepperoni on there." "You know what'll work, soda." "All right everybody, just make yourselves at home." "Lois, these are the fat guys." "Fat guys" " Lois." "My God, look at you, fat bastards." "I'd bet on you you can't even find your own penis." "Find your penis for a dollar?" "Find your penis for one dollar!" "Peter, what's going on?" " Lois, my people are in danger." "Until they find the Fat Guy Strangler we will stay..." "Victor, don't lean against that!" "Hi, everybody!" "Peter, you've got to get these guys out of here." "Patrick is the murderer." " What?" "You son of a bitch." " Don't listen to Brian." "He doesn't know what he's talking about." " Out of my way, Lois, your brother is toast!" "Warm, buttery toast." "That's sounds good." " I love toasts." "I've just found my penis." "Run, Patrick, run!" " After him!" "Boys, to your rascals!" "He went into James Woods, let's spread out and find him." "We'll head him..." "Todd, man, you've got to chew your food." "Brian, I know my brother, he couldn't have done these things." " Well, let's see if you feel that way when you see this:" "Look." "So he has pictures of himself strangling fat guys, but that doesn't mean he's the fat guy strangler." "Oh yeah, what about the dead fat guy under his bed?" " Coincidence?" "What about the half-dead fat guy in the corner?" "Patrick tried to kill me." " Well maybe it's a different Patrick." "Lois!" " OK, OK." "Oh my God, Peter is out there with him." " Wait!" "You gonna eat that fat guy?" "How we gonna find them?" " Don't worry, Lois." "I'm good at finding people." "I was the one to found Bush after hurricane Katrina." "Uhm, mister president, are you up there?" " Go away!" "Sir, there's a disaster in New Orleans." " I'm reading Superfudge." "You've got to come down and deal with this." " Don't make me do stuff." "Patrick!" "Patrick!" "Oh crap, I guess we've lost him." "Well, nothing left to do but finish the sentence on interrupt..." "Patrick, let him go." " Don't come any closer!" "Patrick, let him go." "Or Marion gets it." " Nice try, but Marion is over there." "Don't hurt her!" "Now let him go!" " OK, OK." "You missed!" " No, I didn't." "That's for rolling up the damn window when I tried to jump into the general Lee." "I'm sorry, Lois." "I've never meant to hurt anybody." "I mean I did mean to kill those fat guys, but I've never meant to hurt you." "You may be very sick, Patrick, but I love you." "You're my brother, and you'll always be my brother." "I have to go back to the hospital, don't I." " Yeeah, I'm afraid so." "Hey Patrick, did you see that rock hit me in the face?" "It was like" "Pow!" "Right in the kisser." "Stop screaming, you can't hear me." "I miss uncle Patrick." " Don't worry kids, I promise we can visit him once a month." "We'll be his period." "I was just upstairs and there's a half-dead fat guy eating up dead fat guy?" "So I guess we just we're just lookin' the other way, huh..."