"Thank you for being a friend" "Traveled down the road and back again" "Your heart is true" "You're a pal and a confidante" "And if you threw a party" "Invited everyone you knew" "You would see the biggest gift would be from me" "And the card attached would say" ""Thank you for being a friend"" "Ma, where are you going with all that food?" "I'm stashing it away from Rose's mother." "She's on a special diet." "I hate those people." "You turn your back for a second, boom boom, your food is gone." "Anything on your plate is suddenly on their diet." "Oh, come on, Ma." "You haven't even met Rose's mother." "I know a lot of old people." "They're all the same." "They're cranky, they're demanding, they repeat themselves, they're cranky, they're demanding..." "Ma, what makes you think she's old?" "She's the same age as you." "So how come she ordered her a wheelchair at the airport, a special meal on the plane, and put an oxygen tank in the garage?" "Maybe she's a disabled welder on a special diet." "Ma, I want you to be nice to her." "Maybe you can even show her some of the sights." " (door opening)" " That must be them." "Well, thanks again for the ride home, Dirk." "I'll see you at Tuesday's Jazzercise class?" " I'll see you then." " OK." "Unless I see you before then." "If you wouldn't mind, maybe we could go out." "Why, Dirk, did I just hear you ask me for a date?" "Are you deaf?" "I heard him from here." "You think maybe we could have dinner Saturday night?" "Why don't I just check my datebook and I'll let you know." " Sure." "I'll call you tomorrow." " OK." " Bye." " Bye." "Well, isn't this an interesting turn of events?" "Gosh, I just don't know what I'm gonna do." "You know, he is a little bit younger than I am." "Watch your step, Mother." "That's a girl!" "Oh, Rosie." "I haven't been a girl since 1912." "Why, look who's here!" "I want you all to meet my mother, Mrs. Lindstrom." "This is Blanche and this is Dorothy and Sophia." "(loudly) Very nice to meet you." "Tell me, how was your trip?" "(loudly) It was just fine." "Which one of them is hard of hearing?" "No one is, Mother." "We just didn't want you to have to strain to hear us." "But there's nothing wrong with my ears!" "Of course there isn't." "Now, you sit right down here and I'll fix you a little snack." "How long will you be visiting with us, Mrs. Lindstrom?" "Only a week." "Then she's off to Houston to see my brother." "Is your name Mrs. Lindstrom?" "How would you like a little tour of our home while Rose is fixing that snack?" "I don't think this is a good time for that." "Mother's had a big day and I don't want her to get overtired." "Well, she can skip the east wing, Rose." "Well, maybe tomorrow." "Why don't you take a little nap while I fix you something to eat." "Rosie!" "I'm not a child." "I don't need a nap!" "There's nothing wrong with taking a nap." "Bob Hope takes naps." "Unless he's in the bedroom now, taking one," "I think she'd rather stay here with us." "Sophia, please." "I know what's best for my mother." "Come on, honey." "Let's get you unpacked." "Right down there." "Seems like a very nice lady." "Yeah." "Too bad Rose won't get off her back." "You know, I think I can handle this relationship with Dirk." " I'm going out with him Saturday night." " Was there ever any doubt?" "Momentarily." "This is strictly off the record, but..." "Dirk's nearly five years younger than I am." "In what, Blanche, dog years?" "However, I have decided to overlook that minor detail and succumb to the Vesuvius of passion that is about to erupt from me." "Stand back." "We're gonna get something on us." "I am talking about what's happening between Dirk and me." "It's something really special, something fragile and rare." "I've only felt this once before." "It was during my 17th summer and I was working behind the cosmetics counter at the Rexall drugstore." "I was stocking the Maybelline display when I heard this booming voice say," ""Excuse me, ma'am." "Where are the cuticle scissors?"" "I turned around and there he was." "Our eyes locked, and for one brief moment, there was nobody else on earth but the two of us." "Please, Blanche." "Sidney Sheldon tells shorter stories!" "I know in my heart, if I'd just followed my feelings that day at the Rexall drugstore, today I would be Mrs. Andy Griffith!" "I'm not gonna make the same mistake with Dirk that I made with Andy." "Didn't she tell us that story before?" "Yes, but the last time it was Woolworth's, a toenail clipper, and John Cameron Swayze." "(woman on TV) Inhale." "Good!" "Exhale and lean back." "Hold your position." "Keep breathing." "The only time I get in that position is when I give birth." "Oh!" " Aah, my back!" " Are you all right?" "No, but it's worth it." "No pain, no gain." "Gotta look good for Dirk." "A man his age is used to a trim body with good tone." "Then buy him a Princess phone." "What are you doing now?" "I'm taking my bee pollen and my sheep's liver extract, and my fish oil protein." "I'm getting younger with each passing day!" "Great." "When they defrost Walt Disney, he'll have someone to go out with." "Go ahead, make fun." "These treatments are working." "Oh, come on, Blanche." "Now think about it for a minute." "If you feel you have to go through all of this, what kind of a relationship can this possibly be?" "A youthful relationship." "A relationship that I want." "Dorothy, Dirk is the youngest man I've ever dated." "If I'm gonna keep him, I've got to give it all I got." "Now if you'll excuse me, I've got some road work to do." " Hi, Blanche." "You look terrific." " Thanks!" "Blanche looks terrible." "She looks terrible because all she eats is bee pollen." "I know!" "Isn't it ironic that the bees look so good?" " What are you doing home?" " I came home early to be with Mother." " No, my mother took her to the track." " You let her out of the house?" "No, she dug a tunnel out of her bedroom with a dessert spoon." "Oh, my Lord!" "She's out on the street and it's almost dark!" "Honey, she's fine." "She's with my mother." "Oh, Sophia's different, Dorothy." "She's, she's, she's your mother." "My mother's led a very quiet life." "All this is gonna be too much for her." "Come on, honey." "She's out betting on the horses, not rounding them up." "(Sophia) Hello?" "Anyone home?" "Oh, Mother, are you all right?" "She's fine." "I'm 50 bucks in the hole." "Look, Rose!" "I won $400!" "I told you she was all right." "Congratulations, Alma." "Mom, I'll be in the living room in case you decide to explain where you got the $50 that you just lost." "Sophia, what time does that mall close?" "I feel like getting wild!" "I'll buy you some of that bikini underwear." "Nah, it rides up on me." "You've had enough for one day." "Sit down and I'll bring you a nice cup of tea." "I don't want a cup of tea, I want to go out and have fun!" "Mother, you know how you get when you get tired." "You're liable to lose your balance and break a hip." "That's exactly how it happened the last time." "Rosie, I broke my hip ice skating!" "Do you want to go back to the hospital?" "Did you have fun the last time?" "I had more fun than I'm having here with you." "Mother!" "Stop mothering me!" "You make me sorry I came!" "Come on, Rose." "You just checked the door two minutes ago." "I thought I heard something." "I should never have let them go shopping." " It's too dangerous." " What are you talking about?" "Just this morning, I read where 1400 people were injured in a food riot in Calcutta." "Oh, Sophia, thank goodness you're home!" "Where's Mother?" "She was feeling lucky so she wanted to try her hand at jai-alai." " Why didn't you go with her?" " I'm too short to play jai-alai." "Sophia, you left my mother alone, roaming through a strange city?" "Who's roaming?" "She has a bus map, $400, and a Spanish/English dictionary." "I can't believe my mother's out riding around on a smelly old bus, bing pushed around, harassed, possibly even mugged by hostile teenagers with bad haircuts." "You are overreacting!" "Come on now." "Your mother is not a helpless little girl." "She is an active, vital woman" " who can take care of herself." " (phone ringing)" "I'll get that." "Hello?" "Yes, this is she." "Oh, my Lord!" " What is it?" " I understand." "I'll be right down." " What's wrong?" " That was the police." "What's the matter?" "Is it your mother?" "Is she all right?" "She's fine." "She's at the police station." "They picked up my vital, active mother." "She was lost and disoriented." "What do you say to that?" "Oh, come on now." "Calm down, Rose." " I have to go." " I'm gonna go with you." "No, thanks." "You've been quite enough help already." "Well, I hope Alma's all right." "Don't worry about Alma." "She's a tough old broad." "Dorothy, look at me." "I have turned back the hands of time." "Since Dirk asked me out, I've dropped ten years." "Why, my face is smooth, my body is taut, and my gears are grinding." "No matter what you do to your face, your body, or your gears, you are still your age." "Of course you are." "Gravity always takes its toll." "Look at me!" "I used to be a tall, voluptuous blonde with a butt like granite." "When Dirk looks at me, you think he sees an old woman?" "No, he sees a young, vibrant, passionate contemporary." "Blanche, you haven't even been out with him yet." "But my instincts are infallible in this." "Believe me, I know men." " No arguments here." " (doorbell" "A husband like Dirk could keep me young another 20 years." "Or kill ya." " Oh." " You look gorgeous." " Oh, why really?" " Yeah." "Goodness, I didn't even have time to put on my make-up." "Would you mind waiting in the van?" "I'll be with you in just a minute." "Sure." "I do believe the man said "gorgeous." I'm gonna live forever!" "Not outside of an institution." "You almost finished?" "Yeah, but I don't want to come out." "This is the only peace and quiet I've had in two days." "Blanche thinks she's Peter Pan and Rose is turning into Mommie Dearest." "That's nothing." "You think you're Josephine The Plumber!" "Ma, I saved us at least $50." "Good, between that and what I lost at the track, you're even!" " (door slamming) - (Rose) Mother, please!" "I told you, Rose." "They had no right to take me in!" "I merely flagged a policeman to ask for directions, and before I knew it, he dragged me to the police station." "He was only trying to help you, Mother." "And you had the gall to scold me like a child in front of all those people!" "There's no point in trying to talk to you when you feel like this." "After a good night's sleep, you won't be so testy." " We'll discuss this in the morning." " I won't be here in the morning." " What?" " I'm leaving early for Houston." "I'll certainly have a much better time at your brother's." "I'm gonna help her pack." "Then I'll see if I can win some of that 400 from her before she leaves." "Oh, Rose, honey." "Come on, she's just angry." "I'm sure she didn't mean it." "How can she talk to me like that?" "I'm only trying to take care of her." "Honey, can I talk to you as one daughter to another?" "Do you remember way back when we were teenagers?" "What was the one thing that we wanted most from our mothers?" "A training bra?" "Honey, the thing we wanted most was to be treated as adults." "But then as we get older, we turn right around and start treating our mothers like little girls." "All your mother wants to do is be treated like a woman." "Is that asking too much?" "Hmm?" "I got a jack!" "You got a queen." "OK, I owe you 40 bucks." "Sophia, could you excuse us?" "If I've got to go now, I don't owe you anything." " Who says?" " House rules." "OK." "Mother, am I really making you miserable?" "Yes, you are." "I know you don't mean to, but you are." "Oh, I'm sorry." "I..." "Won't you stay and give me another chance?" "I don't know, Rosie." "I know I drive you crazy, but it's just because I love you so much." "You know, after Daddy died, I just thought I'd never get over it." "And Charlie..." "Well, there's not a day goes by that I don't think about him." "And now that you're getting older," "I'm afraid I'm gonna lose you, too." "That's why I fuss over you so much." "I understand, Rosie, but stopping me from living isn't going to stop me from dying." " Oh, I can't stand to think about it!" " Well, then, don't." "Let's just enjoy what we have." "Easy, easy, Ma!" "That's my best china." "You got it for me when I got married, you remember?" "Who could forget?" "I carried it all the way from Sicily!" "And for what?" "So you could get divorced." "I should have gotten you something returnable, like a donkey." "You know, I've eaten through a lot of great times on these plates." "Yeah." "You know, with Alma here, I've been thinking a lot about the two of us." "Oh, what do you mean?" "The one thing you never do is treat me like an old lady." "You treat me like a person." "I appreciate that." "You're a good daughter, Dorothy." "Ma, I'm overwhelmed." "I don't know what to say." "I'll tell you what you could say." "You could say I don't owe you the $50." "Ma, you are a crazy lady, and I love ya, I love ya, I love ya." "I love you too, pussycat." "Yes, I believe I will have the escargot and the duck a I'orange and a nice tossed salad with the blue cheese dressing." "I'll have the watercress salad with two lemon wedges, please." "Oh, that sounds great." "I didn't even see that on my menu!" "I'll have the same thing." " Isn't this a lovely place?" " Mm-hmm." " It's one of my favorite restaurants." " I'm into macrobiotics, myself." "I am, too." "I just like this atmosphere." "What did you do before you got into teaching aerobics?" "I worked in a museum." "You're kidding me!" "I work at a museum!" "I love art!" "Me too!" "I love lifting it." "I beg your pardon?" "I used to unload the trucks." "And I don't know why, but lifting those statues really helped develop my deltoids." "See." "Yes, that's fascinating." "Put that down, honey." "Read any good books lately?" "Pumping Iron." "I saw the movie, too, but I don't think it did the book justice." "How could it?" "I really like being with you." "Well, thank you, Dirk." "I like the way you sound and the way you look." " Why, thank you, Dirk." " You remind me of my mother." "She lives in Seattle and I haven't seen her in three years." "But when I'm with you, I kind of feel like I'm home with Mom." "Waiter!" "86 the watercress." "I'll have the orange duck and a double Jack Daniel's on the rocks." "Come on, one more hand." "I'm tired, Sophia." "I'd like to cash in." "Now, lets see, these are worth a dollar a piece." "I have 20 to 30 pretzel sticks here." "Now you got pretzel dust." "Come on, Ma, don't be a sore loser." "Now, you owe her $30." "You're absolutely right, Dorothy." "I stand corrected." "Pay her." "Gee, it's getting late." "I wonder how Blanche's date is going." "Yeah, I'm getting a little worried." "Me too." "I don't feel comfortable with her dating a younger man." "I'm not concerned about her dating a younger man." " It's just that her expectations are so high." " You mean you approve?" "Well, why not?" "I mean, what's so terrible?" "I did it once." "You?" "You dated a younger man?" "Yes, Rose." "Of course, it was before I had the hump on my back." "Personally, I don't see anything wrong with dating a younger man." "The three years I had with Ben were some of the happiest of my life." "Mother!" "After Daddy died and you kids moved out, there was just no way I could handle the place by myself." "So I hired a farmhand." "He was such a nice young man." "He raved about my cooking." "I guess they didn't feed him very well in prison." "Anyway, we just loved being with each other." "Of course, it was a particularly lonely time for me and it was nice to have someone to talk to." "And after awhile, he moved in." "I don't think I could have gotten through those years without Ben." "But when it was over, it was over." "But we were both better off for having known each other." "Mother, how could you?" "A drifter?" "An ex-con?" "Oh, I'm sorry." "I, I... you said he made you happy, that's what matters." "Yeah, he was probably very nice..." "for a drifting ex-con." "Thank you, Rosie." "I think I will go to bed now." "Good night." " Good night, Alma." " I'll go with ya." "I'll bring the cards." "Can I ask you a personal question, Alma?" "Did this Ben teach you how to gamble?" "He taught me how to play cards and how to carve a pistol out of soap." "Do you think our kids will want us around when we're their age?" "Oh, Rose." "They don't want us now." "Oh, I don't want to talk about it." "What's the matter?" "What happened?" "Oh, my date with Dirk was a disaster." "He was looking for a mother, not a lover." "It was humiliating." " I think it's sweet." " You would, Betty Crocker." "Oh, I'm sorry, Rose." "I'm just a little depressed." "For the first time in my life, I feel over 40." " You know why that is, honey?" " Why?" "Because you're over 50." "Don't I know it." "Over 50 and over the hill!" "Oh, come on, Blanche." "Age is just a state of mind." "Tell that to my thighs." "I feel awful." "I don't want to go on." "No, I can't stand it!" "I cannot stand it!" "Well, I can't, either!" "Listen, you have your looks, your health." "You have a couple bucks in the bank and friends who love you." "That's a hell of a lot more than most people have." "I won't sit here and listen to you feeling sorry for yourself and neither is Rose." "Yeah." "She's right."