"That's what I call a service with a smile." "More like a smile I'd like to service." "She's pretty cute, E. The whole time she smiled at you, you should get her number." "I don't wanna go out with a waitress." "You believe this guy?" "A few years out of Queens, and he thinks he's above the working class." "My mother used to wait tables." "I respect them." "I just don't want a relationship with one of them, They keep shitty hours." "Who said anything about a relationship?" "Why do you have to look at everygirl as a potential relationship?" "'Cause I don't wanna spend my twilight years alone, like you." "E loves falling in love." "E's a nesting creature, what's the big deal?" "'Cause it's not natural for a male, is the big deal." "I'm not a nesting creature." "Really?" "Name one girl you've ever had unemotional sex with." "Ever." "Lori Wolcott." "You sent her flowers and chocolates and refused to leave your house" " 'cause she wouldn't be your Valentine." " I didn't leave" " 'cause I had chicken pox, you loser." " Wolcott don't count." "All right." "What about the perfect 10 model from Australia?" "If I'm not mistaken, you didn't fuck her." "She fucked you." "Not to mention you called her 2 months after and the only reason's 'cause you couldn't get a citizenship." "I don't have to prove anything to you guys." "Don't be mad." "It's not our fault." "You were born without the sport fucking gene." "Come on, guys." "I can't just stand here and let you harass my boy." "I know he can have unemotional sex." "He just chooses not to." "In fact," "I bet he can get some before the both of you two." "Please, I'm a celebrity again, bro." "I could get laid at a funeral." "And that would be unemotional for you or the dead girl?" "Funny, E." "Be a student of human nature, no leopard can change its spots." "I've come to accept you for what you are." " What's that?" " A pussy." "You're such a pussy in fact," "I bet Turtle can close a broad quicker." "That's it." "You're saying Turtle can get laid quicker than I can?" "No, I think he can bring himself to do it quicker than you can." "I'm so positive in fact," "I'm willing to wage you 5 of my hard-earned G's that Turtle can close a girl today before you." "Johnny, are you serious?" "These eyes look like I'm bluffing, bro?" "You're on." "Come on." "I'm taking E. under my wing." "Then I'm taking Turtle under mine." "I ain't betting on this." "And I'm not searching out a girl just to fuck her." " Why not?" " 'Cause it's mean." "Mean is when I made Jess Mancini ride her bike home after I ass fucked her." "Trust me, if you're able to find a girl who's willing to day fuck you, she's using you as much as you're using her." "It's 2007, wake up, pussy." "Oh, he's up." "And he's in." " Whatever." " So what are the rules?" "It's gotta be a complete stranger," " and E can't call her after." " It's gotta be free, he can't pay or bought her." " Jesus." " Sorry, Turtle." "On the good chase name, man." "On the good chase name." "Come on, E." "Let's go win us a ribbon." "Catch you guys later." "How am I supposed to get laid by tonight?" "Relax, Turtle." "Old Johnny boy's gonna take you to a place where even an one-eye leper can get laid." "Where is that?" "Craig's List." "Good to see you." "All right, high five." "All right, so I'm gonna pick you up after soccer practice, call me, I brought my cellphone if you're running late." " Great, thank you." "Bye, Daddy." " Later, traitor." " Ari." " Daddy." " I'm kidding, I love you." " I know you do." "I could so jump this curb right now." "Well, Ari, you may hate this place, but our daughter still has to go there." "Mr. Preston!" "Oh, Mr., Mrs. Gold!" "How are you?" "Well, not so good." "Our son got rejected from every private school in town." "I'm sorry to hear that." "They didn't happen to call you about us, did they?" "We all stay in touch." "I'm asked questions and I answer them honestly." "'Course you do." "All right, we're up to see another public school." "It's not so bad, you know." "I'm a product of the public school system." "Me too." "So far I just blackboned a little cunt, fag, bitch..." " A nice day to both of you." " ... mother fucker, asshole, fuck me..." "Same spot as usual?" " That'd be good." "Thanks." " Awesome." "So, what do you think?" "I think this is retarded." "I really do." "I mean, who hits on girls on week days?" "E, it's L.A. Every day's a week-end." "Now just relax, look around." "And let the game come to you." "Those girls over there would like to buy you guys a drink." "Or to me, and then to you through me." " Thank you." "That'd be great." " All right." "Horny heifer seeks back door lover." " Pass!" " What do you mean, pass?" "This isn't about having fun." " It's about winning the cash." " How much am I getting?" " For her, 20%." " Pass." "How about a chick with a plus-size clit for 30?" "It's pass." "What the" "Slide over, let me scroll." "See, this is a little more my speed." "Prom Queen hottie seek short, cute and cuddly 20-something to fulfill her fantasies." "Sounds perfect." "Yes, too perfect." "She must be a pig." "Call her or I'm calling the heifer." "Put it on speaker." "Is this Kelsey?" "Yes, who is this?" "I'm calling about your ad." "What about it?" "I think I can fulfill your needs." " What do you look like?" " What do you look like?" "Time is of the essence, Turtle." "How many of you are there?" "Just me." "'Cause, you know, I'm not looking for gang bang." "It's just me, one short cuddly twenty something." "Just what you said you wanted." "Be at Café Primo on Sunset and 30." "Wear a red hat." "If I like what I see," " I'll say hi." " And if you don't?" "Then I won't." " This is a nightmare." " No, it's perfect." "And if you close her on the parking lot, the lattes are on me." "Come on!" "You gotta be kidding me." "It's play to them, this is what kids do when they play." "This is what inmates do when they're gonna overtake the guards." "I mean, is there even a teacher here or did they lose him the cutbacks?" "I know karate." "I saw you kicking that little redhead boy over there when he wasn't looking." "That was a very" "No way is my son going to that school." "No way!" "Well, Ari, we don't have much choice." "So stop being so dramatic." "Dramatic?" "Why should I be dramatic?" "It's every father's dream to have a son participate in a kindergarten fatwa." " What are you doing?" " I'm taking care of business the way I should've taken care of business from the start." "Call our special friend and set the usual meeting place." " Who is it?" " Don't worry," "I'm not gonna get a..." "You girls are from London and that happens to be E's favorite city." "Really?" "I mean, it just beat out Düsseldorf." "I love Dusseldorf." "Where do you stay when you're there?" "I'm only kidding, I've never been to Düsseldorf." " But you've been to London?" " Several times, we stay at the Maria." "It's pretty cool." "So..." "What are you doing here?" "We're here on business." " What kind of business are you?" " I design linens." "And I'm her top salesrate." "Nice." "They're incredibly soft, the linen." "I could show them to you, perhaps if you like them, you could spread the word." "You know, it never hurts to have a celebrity endorser." "I could never endorse a product that I didn't actually use." "You would use these, I'm sure." "Come, I'll show you a sample." " You okay?" " That's fine." "Heather runs my entire company." "She can certainly look after one shy American boy." " Shy!" " Ta-ta." "I'm not shy." "No?" "How would you describe yourself?" "Maybe a little shy." "That's okay." "It's adorable." "Excuse me." "You wouldn't happen to be Kelsie?" "Even if I was, I'd say no." "That's just rude, honey." "That ain't her." "Who the hell is she?" "You could have railed the heifer and the plus-sized clit by now." "You Turtle ?" "I'm Kelsie." "Who's he?" "He's my driver." "Could he wait in the car." "The way he's staring at me, it's giving me the willies." "Run along." "So... what we do now?" "Well, I like what I see." "Really?" "Got good padding." "You do just fine." "So... what kind of fantasies are we gonna be fulfilling?" "You'll find out later." "First, go to Fazio Cleaners on Rexford." "Pick that up for me." "You want me to pick up your dry cleaning?" " Is that a problem?" " No." "If we're really gonna be living out some kind of fantasy it won't be a problem to clean your whole house." "Don't be desperate, it's gross." "Here's my adress." "Be there at 9 p.m." "And don't be late, I hate tardiness." "You know, Ari..." "We meet so often, that if another PI was following me, he'd think we were fucking." "If another PI was following you, then I would be fucked." "So what can I do for you today?" "I need one of your 24/7 tails." "This one has to be on the extreme, extreme D.L." "So you mean more extreme than when you had me follow Kate Beckinsale to see if she was gonna fire her agent?" "More extreme, and more discrete." "If anyone finds out about this, it could be very, very embarrassing." "All right." "Who's the subject?" "Andrew Preston." "He is the head administrator of the Briar Country Day school." "Do you think it was rude of us living them alone like that?" "Are you kidding?" "The way they were hitting it off, it would've been rude of us to stay." "Good point." "So, you guys have a suite?" "Yeah, it sucks." "Juliette and I have to share a tiny little bed together." "Really?" "Does that turn you on?" "I was just" "We are here on business, Eric, the company pay for my own room and everything." "I wasn't saying that, I was just asking, I'm sorry." "No, I'm just playing, there's no need to apologise." "I'm sorry." "Do I make you nervous?" "So you are just nervous usually." " Do I seem nervous to you?" " You do." "I have a very stressful job." "I actually need another drink," "I haven't seen the waitress around forever." " Do you need anything?" " Yeah." "You want another drink?" " Four shots of Tequila." " With limes." " Of course." " Laugh at me," "I may use limes, but I will drink you under the table." "Now we're getting somewhere." "Holy shit." "Oh, Jesus." "Oh, my God." "Let me call you back." "I'll be right back." " You are back." " Yeah, for a few weeks." " I didn't know." " Well," "I figured I shouldn't call you, you told me not to call, so..." " I'm sorry, hi." " Hi." "You know what?" "That's my bad." "Sloan, this is Juliette." " Heather." " Really." "Juliette is Heather's friend and she's with Vince somewhere." " Right, nice to meet you." " Me too." "I should get going." "Good to see you, Eric." "I'll see you soon, right?" "Okay." " Bye." " See you." "Your ex?" "Is it that obvious?" "She's pretty." "Why did you guys break up?" "'Cause I'm an idiot." "What kind of fantasy involves me picking up her dry cleaning?" "Maybe she wants me to be her little errand boy." "I don't know, but I bet she'll be disappointed when she finds out you're already Vince's." "Maybe she's into SM." "Maybe she's even a dominatrix." "You better hope not, Turtle." "Because dominatrix don't fuck." "If you don't get laid, I don't get paid." "Drama, don't you worry." "Unless she wants to shit on me, there's no fetish that'll keep me from getting with that little hottie." "That's the spirit." " What the fuck is this?" " Yes, I love it." "My bet is safe." "Oh this means something to you?" "Oh yeah." "It means you got a furry, bro." "What the fuck's a furry?" "Someone who wants to fuck you like you're a stuffed animal." "Jesus, baby, what's wrong?" "You sound worse than when Harry Hamlin got voted off Dancing with the stars." "Audra Hornig's son just got accepted to Briar." "Is that the kid that already has chest hairs?" "He's your son's best friend." "He'll be devastated when he finds out they're not going to school together." "Don't worry." "They'll be going to school together." " Your man is handling it." " My man is gonna be handling himself for the next decade if he doesn't stop playing it so cool and tell me what he's up to." "This is like The Godfather, baby." "There're certain times you just can't ask me about my business." " But please, don't worry." " Don't tell me not to worry." "Our special friend is on the phone." "I gotta go." "It's all good, baby." "Ari, you are such a fucker!" "Talk to me, Eddie." " Can you come to my office?" " On my way." " Good news?" " Don't ask questions, Lloyd, not until you stop dressing like Paula Poundstone." "Who is Paula Poundstone?" "Yeah well, you know nothing gets a girl hot like listening to a guy mope about his ex." "Hey, she was a good listener." "So what do we tell the boys?" "Tell'em if not for unforeseen events, I had her." " It was a done deal." " I don't think that counts as a win." " Whatever, it would have been." " So you're not gonna call her?" "Who, sloan or Heather?" " Why Sloan?" " I don't know, to talk." "It seemed she wanted to." "We leave things a little unfinished." "When you broke up with her, I think it was finished." " She broke up with me." " But you made her." "You're feeling bad about it now?" "I've been feeling bad for months." "E, what has this day been all about?" "I don't know." "You tell me." "Your inability to be unemotional." "You just ran into Sloan and you're feeling things." "Maybe real, maybe not." "You really want to win this bet, huh?" "No, look, forget about the bet." "What you need is a night to think about what you want." "So sleep on it." "Or sleep on Heather." " Your choice." " She was hot." "There you go." "See, why don't I call Juliette and the four of us will go out and have a good time?" "You're gonna call a girl after you've fucked her?" "Look, I liked her." "And I'm not in on the bet." "I feel like a moron." "This thing doesn't even fit!" "I'm supposed to put my dick through this hole?" " What if it gets stuck?" " What, is it easter?" "Maybe we weren't clear on the rules, but role-playing and fucking each other doesn't count." "Please, my man here is getting ready to fuck a real live woman." "Win me five G's." "Unless by some miracle, E already got laid." "Please tell me you got laid, E." " It's in the works." " Jesus!" "Quit your whining, and consider yourself lucky." "A girl like that is a goddess in the furry community." "You're gonna fuck in that?" "Actually, furr-ophiles refer to it as "boinking."" "Wow, Turtle, this is freaky even for me." "Don't let 'em get in your head." "Furries are people, too." "And all people need to get laid." "Except that whack job, who only needs a good book, a cup of tea and a nice long hug." "You're helping Bugs Bunny string his dick through a hole and I'm a whack job?" "Why don't you just tell us what you have in the works that's gonna win this bet before my "plushious" little friend here." "E's got a hot British chick just waiting for him to call." "British?" "Please." "They're too stuffy to fuck that fast." "Well her friend wasn't." " You got laid, vin?" " Yeah, I had a nice afternoon." "So how come E couldn't close, then?" "He hit a little road bump, but he's coming back from it." "Actually, no I'm not." " You're gonna call Sloan?" " Yep." "He can't fuck Sloan." "That's against the rules." "No, he ran into her when he was talking to the brit." "The kid's got some shit luck." " So this means the bet's off." " Off?" "It's a forfeit, and a forfeit results in a loss, and a loss is gonna cost you five G's, bro." "All right, Johnny." "I couldn't possibly let Turtle go through with it anyway." "Love you, Vin." "You do realize you forfeit your cut too, Turtle." "How are you?" " Hi." " Hi." "Look, I just wanted to explain... that today at the pool," "I just met that girl." "I don't even know her." "We're not together anymore so you don't owe me any explanations." "I know, I know." "I was just..." "I was just thinking." "About what?" "About us." "I told you there would be no more us if you went to Italy for three months after being away on the movie for six." "I know, I screwed up." "But we could go to dinner or something, talk about it?" "I met someone." "Really?" "There he is!" "The baddest dick Johnny Wad." "I want to introduce you to one of our associates." "This is Frank Giovanella." "What do I got here." "Two dicks for the price of one." "I love it." "Listen." "As it turns out," "frank over here was hired by another unhappy couple to dig up the dirt on your headmaster Preston." "and he's been tailing him for a couple weeks." "Wonderful." "Maybe we can split the bill, huh?" "What do you got?" "Unfortunately, sir, I've got nothing." " What do you mean?" " The guy's clean." "There's no such thing." "Everyone's got something." "Well, apparently, not this guy." "The guy's a model human." "Look for yourself." "That's him coaching soccer." "Volunteering in a soup kitchen." "Making dinner for his family." " Jesus..." " Yeah." "He still screws his wife." "She's hot, too." "I gotta tell you, in all my years in this business, we've never failed to find the dirt." "I'm sorry." "Hey family, I'm home." "How are you, sweetheart?" " Good." " I come bearing gifts." "Follow." "What happened?" "I've been calling." "You don't answer your cell." "I was at the bookstore." "I got some great ones for Jonah." "James and the Giant Peach." "One fish, two fish." "And Everyone Poops." "Where's my boy?" "Jonah!" " What happened with your friend?" " Nothing." "He did offered to doctor some photos of Preston and make him look like he had a young Filipino boyfriend." "But when he did it, it made me feel dirty and it hit me:" "what school our son goes to doesn't matter." "It's what type of environment he comes home to." "That's why I wanna make this the best place ever." "He's really not getting in, is he?" "No, he's not, baby." "But I'm going to read to him every night." "And we're gonna have family diners, now." "6 pm, seven nights a week, no exceptions." " And no TV." " Double Ew!" "I want to be a better man." "A better father and a better husband." " How's my little man?" " Good." "You know, Daddy came home early, just to read to his buddy," "How do dinosaurs say good night?" "Is that cool?" " Daddy?" " Yeah, buddy?" "Am I going to school with Darrin Hornig next year?" "'Cause I really, really want to." "That would be..." "twenty one hundred." "crisp, easily earned dollars." "Twenty two hundred crisp, easily earned dollars." "I'm out of here." "Go to see Sloan?" "Of course, he is." "Just to show my appreciation for your predictability," "I'm gonna take some of my winnings to buy you a nice gift certificate to a farm that'll help you grow some balls." "That's funny." "I appreciate that." "But I'm not going to Sloan's but to the hotel to fuck that British chick I met at the pool today." "So Vince, I'd put your cash away." "Looks like the bet still on." "Get your suit on!" "Come on, come on!" " Hi." " Hi." " Can I help you?" " Yeah, is Mr. Preston here?" "I'm here, honey." " Everything okay?" " It's fine." "Just tell the kids I'll be right in and lock the door behind you." "You have a lovely home." "Thank you." "What is the meaning of this?" "Well, there's something that I needed..." "That I'd like to... say to you." "Something different than what you muttered at me under your breath this morning?" "You heard that?" "What do you want, Mr. Gold?" "Just a moment of your time so that I can say to you that through... this process," "I have learned from you, Mr. Preston." "You are an educator and you've educated me about... being a man, about being a father, and I know that you can't be bought." "I tried." "I know that you can't be blackmailed." "Because you're too perfect." "But I guess I want to know, can you be compassionate?" "Because, I am... coming to you, hat and hands, to ask you..." "To beg you to let my son have a proper education." "And don't make him suffer because he has a way too aggressive father that won't shut up on the soccer field." "Please, sir." "Look at you." "Did you ever think given your high power status that you'd ever be reduced to begging and pleading?" "No sir, I didn't." "I didn't." "I suppose there's a first time for everything." "I myself never asked anybody for anything until now." "Is there something you need?" "I have a son, a special boy, who works in the mail room at Abraham's." "I think he can do better." "How special?" "'Cause, I love special." "Half my lit' department has an IQ under 65." "So, why don't you tell your boy, that come Monday, he's got a desk, in a real agency with a real salary." "All right?" "The things that we do for our children, huh?" "You tell Jonah," "I'm looking forward to his first day, at Briar Country Day." "But I still don't want to see you at any soccer games." "I love this town!" "I feel like I'm dropping my kid off to go trick-or-treating." "Can't do it, Drama." " Of course, you can." " No, I can't." "It's bad enough I gotta wear this thing, but who knows what she'll be wearing?" "Who cares if she's dressed like Godzilla." "Close your eyes." "Like you used to do when you banged that ugly chick Judy Lipnick in high school." "You thought Judy was ugly?" "Is that debatable?" "Whatever, I'm not going in." "Fifty percent." " Sixty." " You can give me the whole thing," "I just can't do it." "Give me the suit, dick!" "What?" "What are you gonna do?" "If I'm dropping five G's, at least, get me some pussy." "What, am I supposed to sit here?" "Should we go?" "What do you say if I said:" ""let's blow off the restaurant and order in?"" "I'd say: "Come inside!""