"APPLAUSE" "Gooooooooooooood gaols and granaries." "Let's open the gifts first." "I have been given the most fantastic presents." "Jimmy Carr!" "AUDIENCE:" "Oooh!" "And Jan Ravens!" "AUDIENCE:" "Mmmmmm!" "But what about Clive Anderson?" "Ohhhh!" "And just what I've always wanted." "My very own puppy" " Alan Davies!" "Ahhhh!" "Now what am I going to get in the buzzer department?" "Jimmy goes..." "# Gimme all your lovin' All your hugs and kisses too!" "#" "Jan goes..." "# Give me just a little more time!" "# gimme a man after midnight!" "#" "And Alan goes..." "# How much is that doggie in the window?" "Woof!" "Woof!" "#" "Here's a gift of a question." "Suppose you want to send a present to someone in the USA." "What's the commonest item that is seized by the Customs?" "# Gimme all your lovin'!" "#" "I'm rather enjoying that." "Yes." "Mexicans." "That's a reasonable guess." "I actually have a bag of items..." "Of Mexicans?" "Can you pass that to Jimmy?" "Keep one." "And vice versa." "What's in the bag?" "These are all items that may or may not be banned by US Customs if you try to cross the border with them." "Chopped pork and ham?" "Money." "Dirty handkerchiefs." "Dirty handkerchiefs." "Some seeds and a lottery ticket." "A cigar!" "I bet you're not allowed to have seeds." "You're not allowed to have anything in there." "A shoe?" "!" "One is the most confiscated item." "I've been to America and I definitely remember wearing shoes." "It's a shoe that's been to a farm lately." "the shoe." "Is this because of Cuba?" "Exactly right." "It's a Cuban cigar." "Does this just indicate you've got flu or a disease?" "any fluids..." "Is money too obvious?" "It's not real money." "It's counterfeit money." "I'm going to go with shoes." "Shoes." "Lottery tickets." "Lottery tickets." "Who tries to import lottery tickets?" "You can go to prison for two years." "Worth it for a £10 million prize." "IF!" "Yes." "So which do you think is the item?" "Hessian bags!" "They are also illegal." "The bag." "It's made out of hemp." "Extra point." "It actually rhymes with "tinder egg"." "Kinder Egg?" "The egg with the secret surprise in it." "Because you can easily open them?" "Then fill them with heroin?" "No." "A child may easily choke on the small parts." "Exactly." "It poses a choking and aspiration hazard." "no!" "Quick!" "That is a Creme Egg!" "A Creme Egg." "thank you." "But the fact is that there is the "surprise toy" egg which is the most confiscated item." "And all imports from Cuba." "the United Nations has deemed what illegal?" "The US boycott." "Yes." "The US boycott on Cuba has for 17 years in a row been deemed illegal by all the UN countries except..." "Israel and the Pacific state of Palau." "Have you been to Cuba on your many journeys?" "Sadly not." "I have." "You can get a flight from Miami." "A lot of people do it." "so everybody goes in huge numbers of coats. in tropical weather." "And they look like Michelin men." "I was the only one there not overdressed." "For once." ""Cheapskate!" "No mates." "One coat?" "Do you know what's happened in terms of legality to the famed Academy Awards goodie bag?" "you can't take it out the country?" "really?" "Yeah." "000." "Holy smoke!" "A goodie bag." "Blimey!" "The contents of the 2008 goodie bag a cashmere blanket worth £855." "I hope it was tartan." "Cashmere check. "Cash me a cheque." LAUGHTER" "And a white gold pearl and diamond pendant worth £740." "That is disgusting." "That's truly disgusting." "Is it?" "They should be brought over here for the BAFTAs." "We get..." "A lollipop." "I think you actually do get a lollipop." "You get Tic Tacs." "At the Comedy Awards they had bowls of Minstrels." "Huge amounts of alcohol and very little food." ""They've all got drunk!" "How?" "!" "Someone said something controversial." ""Not that we planned it... what happens to all the Swiss Army pen knives that are confiscated in the airport?" "on your way out you should get to take something." "Very good idea." "A kind of "help yourself" box." "Yeah." "Only one thing." "Don't be greedy." "those guys that work in Customs." "They have very well-trimmed nails." "Well-plucked eyebrows." "It's no accident." "they're first in!" "quite slowly." "LAUGHTER but only if you can satisfy one condition." "One type of person is allowed it." "A fisherman?" "Nope." "Teddy Boy." "A gang member." "Think about what distinguishes a switchblade from any other knife." "Clive Anderson." "So if you got caught with a switchblade..." "Chop your arm off." "Ha!" "You've got it." "There you are." "Put it in your hand luggage." "For reattaching later." "Fishermen are supposed to use them sensibly." "When you're catching a fish you have to cut the line." "That was always the justification we used to use! but what happened to the box of chocolates that Gordon Brown gave to George W Bush?" "they chucked it away." "Absolutely right." "any gifts of food or drink are destroyed upon receipt." "Gordon Brown gave a £150 box of Charbonnel et Walker chocolates." "Money well spent(!" ") an assortment of nut pasties from the Iraqi president and 3lbs of live shamrocks from Bertie Ahern were all destroyed." "Why DID he give him chocolates?" "We called Downing Street to ask." "Come on." "Surely you knew the rules." They did not favour us with a reply. but it was made from the timbers of...a Victorian anti-slaver called the HMS Gannet." "a slightly less historically..." "A slave!" "This was reported at the time." "Obama being very ironic." "DVDs." "DVDs." "25 American classic DVDs." "Did Obama give him a copy of Nailin' Palin?" "I don't know it." "Nailin' Palin?" "Nailin' Palin was a film made last year not porn." "Porn is a very subjective term." "Gentleman's special interest." "The film is very good." "Is it?" "Is it a looky-likey?" "but it'll do." "well." "What were the classics he gave him?" "People speculated they were Region 1 in which case he couldn't watch them unless he'd a hacked DVD player." "He's not going to watch them." "That's had the eyes taken out of it so it's not dangerous." "Why do they give each other presents?" "Protocol!" "Yeah." "Yes." "That's the answer." "Why not give something to charity?" ""I'm not giving presents this trip." "I'm planting a tree." "Good idea." "Buying an animal in Africa." "Have you ever had that as a present?" "Someone adopted some panda for me." "thanks." "you say." "is it my responsibility?" "It comes to live with me and it looks like I've been hitting it." "You're silly." "Now..." "All food gifts to the President of the United States are destroyed." "name and shame the world's cheapest cheapskate." "# Give me just a little more time!" "# Was it Diogenes the Cynic?" "Wow." "Tell me more." "You've seen this show before." "Well..." "Yes." "I think he's slightly aroused." "Diogenes the Cynic was a famous cheapskate in the ancient world." "He lived in a barrel." "He did." "And he eschewed material possessions apart from a loin cloth and a little bowl so he could drink water." "Then he saw a little boy drinking water from the river with his hands leaving just the loin cloth and the barrel." "Very good answer." "but it's an animal answer." "gifts." "The male gives the gift to the female..." "In order to mate." "to distract them." "flies." "The Black Widow spider." "Famously. she'll eat you!" "You must have a film like that in your collection." "I wanted Nando's." "You're out." "There are flies called dance flies." "Often the gift is wrapped in silk." "Or in a balloon formed from the male's anal secretions." "darling! sucks out its innards completely and wraps the empty shell in silk and gives it to the female." "he's mated her and scarpered." "Yes." "Don't try this at home!" "That's a very good tip." "Yeah!" ""Here's a box of chocolates!" "Possibly the greatest cheapskate in the animal kingdom." "I heard about someone being on a date with a guy took a massive bit of her food and ate it." "Did it again." "I'm paying for it." "that is..." "Wow!" "Staggering." "So that's that dance fly." "Others do strange things." "There are some male insects that pretend to be female which it then steals and gives to another female." "The male dance fly is the cheapest cheapskate." "What do you call someone who never laughs?" "That bloke." "LAUGHTER You're right." "He hasn't cracked a smile all evening." "Might be dead." "Nudge him." "meaning they don't laugh." "There are people." "who knows? which is an unusual affect." "That was shocking." "I've got an interesting sort of Greek-type word for something that I do sometimes where I can't help the urge to do an impression of somebody." "I want to..." "go along with it." "It's terrible." "it's called echopraxia." "it's echolalia." "That is very..." "Points!" "Points!" "Brilliant." "APPLAUSE it's called taking the piss as well." "laughter." "Animals don't laugh." "They don't put two things together. which is why people think it's canned laughter." "You ARE laughing at bits." "It's a very social thing." "You're showing that you get the thing and understand." "A communal thing." "who is supposed to have laughed once in his life." "When an apple fell on his head!" "Someone asked the point of studying Euclid and he burst out laughing." "though." "What was he like?" "!" "Stalin didn't laugh." "I'm amazed." "He seemed such a chirpy chap." "he's chuckling." "Jonathan Swift and Gladstone." "He was a funny writer." "obviously." "The bloke on the left and the bloke in the middle are the same." "he's been on a diet." "It's an advert for the Chin Gym." "The one on the left is Isaac Newton." "That's Newton." "And Jonathan Swift." "on the other hand..." "Couldn't stop laughing." "He died giggling." "Didn't he work in the post office?" "That's probably it." "He did." "He invented the post-box." "Yes." "And lived to regret it." "He couldn't get out." "he was sorry for a very odd reason." "He was very old-fashioned about what women shouldn't do." "freely." "they would have to go to their father or a servant who would put the stamp on." "Suddenly they could send their own letters and have relationships without their parents' consent and he resented this." "What has he done?" "!" "The law of unintended consequences." "Good old Trollope." "There are theories of laughter." "The superiority theory - the glory we feel when we see someone suffer." "but a lot of people don't understand it." "Very good." "There's the incongruity theory." "The decorous and logical abruptly dissolves into the low and absurd." "We wouldn't farting well want that." "For example." "Freud - naughtiness of the joke liberates the laughter from inhibitions about forbidden thoughts." "Watching Jackass." "about the nature of jokes." "Have you come to a theory?" "There's all these different theories from around the world." "And they're all pretty much nonsense." "They all work in the same way - all jokes are two stories." "The first makes you make an assumption and the second makes you realise it was erroneous." ""Is this some kind of joke?" "they laughed." "They're not laughing now." "That's a brilliant one." "Monkhouse." "Bob Monkhouse." "It's hard when you write about comedy to make it funny as well." "Did you...?" "we put a joke on every page." "Some of it's complicated." "They say analysing jokes is like dissecting a frog - no one's that interested and the frog dies." "Like digging up the roots of a plant." "And killing it as you do it." "agelasts are people who don't laugh at gags." "Answer me this." "Who is responsible for the oldest joke in the world?" "# Give me just a little more time!" "# which was Socrates." "Really?" "In a play by Aristophanes called The Clouds." "The interesting thing about it was that this portrayal resulted in him being put on trial and put to death for corrupting youths." "And they used the impression of him ..." "As evidence. and trying to find out were there impressions around before recorded media." "Exactly. everybody knew everybody else." "Socrates was very widely..." "Well-known." "Presumably in the 19th century you couldn't do Disraeli." "Too big a population and too few people had heard them speak to know if it was accurate." "Harold Macmillan went to see Peter Cook." "It was at the Fortune Theatre." "What happened was that Peter Cook did a very famous...the first time a Prime Minister had been done." "Of Supermac." "ALL DO MACMILLAN IMPRESSIONS" "Herr...here and there..." "And..." "And how Britain could act as an honest broker in the world." "No nation is more honest and no nation is broker." "Someone said to me it was illegal to impersonate a real person." "It was until 1968." "There was a fellow called the Lord Chamberlain whose job was to censor plays." "That Act was the fault of impressionists." "Really? so he set up the Lord Chamberlain's Act so they couldn't." "All that time ago..." "And the Establishment Club as a private member's club." "And latterly it became the living monarch rather than politicians." "It relaxed a bit." "I never would." "Not in a million years. which is a pretty old Greek joke." "There was an absent-minded professor who was on a sea voyage when a storm blows up and his slaves are weeping in terror." "I have freed you all in my will." That's a joke." "Slave-related humour there." "The Abderites were stereotyped as being incredibly stupid." "the joke book." "This Abderite asks a eunuch how many children he has." ""Duh!" "None." "I'm a eunuch." "So the Abderite says..." "And the fragment is missing." "We don't have the punchline." "So..." "I'm inviting you to provide the punchline." "How many children have you got?" "I don't have any." "I'm a eunuch." "says..." "How many grandchildren?" "Very good!" ""Excellent." "How many grandchildren?" APPLAUSE" "I like working with old material. "How do you want your hair cut?" "In silence." "It still kind of works." "Very good." "That's an old one." "which is really pretty old." "Something that has never occurred since time immemorial - a young woman did not fart in her husband's lap." "don't open with it." "Work it into the set somewhere." "Time immemorial in those days was a week last Tuesday." "An old English one is what is the most cleanliest leaf?" "for no one will wipe their arse with them." "LAUGHTER" "Humour was about farts and bottoms." "We've moved on from there." "Thank God for that." "Farting in the lap?" "I don't...?" "Was everyone doing it?" "a young woman did NOT fart in his lap." "So women probably weren't allowed chairs." "Chairs were expensive." "The woman would be on his lap and would fart." "Once there was a woman who didn't and it was worthy of report." ""She hasn't farted!" "Ha ha!"" "A very interesting joke." "Here is a good gag." "What sort of person wears one of these?" "Lord!" "You can try it on yourself if you like." "It's got little..." "The sound of polystyrene!" "Ah!" "Ah!" "There you are." "Sorry." "this is a tongue thing." "Yeah." "This is to stop..." "I can't remember what it's called." "They've got one of these in the Museum of Torture." "You can open the side somehow." "That bit goes in the mouth." "It stops your lady talking." "That's it." "Would Pony Boy come in this answer?" "Pony Boy?" "Yes." "Excuse me?" "!" "I say." "Fits you rather well." "Stephen!" "It was quite disconcerting." "Giddy-up!" "I must say." "Have him scrubbed and brought to my room." "LAUGHTER" "Don't bother to have him scrubbed." "does anybody know?" "MUFFLED:" "A witch's cradle." "So close." "A witch's cradle." "MUFFLED:" "I can't talk!" "Alan?" "Let's do the letters." "One for yes..." "Is it A?" "Uh-uh." "It's..." "Is it a device used for pigs when they are constipated?" "Ohhh(!" ")" "Alan." "I probably should have said before." "What they do is strap it on and ram it home." "It's a sort of chastity belt for the face?" "Known as a scold's bridle." "Scold's bridle!" "Was she ducked in the river?" "Get it before he says it!" "not ducking stool." "It is actually a cucking stool." ""Excuse me!" "That's the wrong word!" "Get me off the cucking stool!" "So who had to wear one?" "Other than Alan." "gossipy women." "The male equivalent is barratry." "A barrator was a male equivalent." "There are no real records of these being used." "There are 50 in Britain." "This is the replica of one that comes from Walton on Thames." "Look at that." "Extraordinary." "Makes her look like a dog as well!" "That second one's not practical." "Is that the front or the back of the head?" "That's the male version." "See the beard?" "For a barrator." "There you are." "A bit of fun with genetics now." "What do you get if you cross a butterfly with a caterpillar?" "A butterpillar." "Oh!" "HOOTER" "Should have said the other one." "Caterfly." "Oh!" "HOOTER" "I feel such a fool!" "very hungry caterpillar... but I don't want to spoil it." "Are you saying a species reproduces halfway through its life cycle?" "there is a theory which is that actually they are different species." "I know it sounds insane." "What he's done there is he's not understood." "Fair enough because it is complicated and you might not..." "Was it Alan who put this forward?" "formerly of the University of Liverpool." "but... though." "But sometimes you see an old guy in St Tropez with a beautiful young girl and think a similar thing." "which starts life as a small larva with a tiny starfish inside." "the starfish migrates to the outside and they separate." "This is normal." "the larva swims off and lives for several months as an independent animal." "It's like the caterpillar and butterfly alive at the same time. happen to create a double species." "He thinks it's not impossible." "We're intrigued by the possibility. but why did Luigi from Bologna galvanise his frogs?" "gimme!" "# We've had a clue from Jimmy." "He invented the idea of putting electricity through frogs." "Do you know his surname?" "It's something like Galvan." "Some Italian..." "Galvani." "Hence..." "Galvanisation." "Exactly." "came over to England and demonstrated all round Europe." "He took the Royal College of Surgeons by storm in 1803 he did what?" "Convulsed." "With electricity." "The dead body." "To spark him to life again." "He'd just been hanged." "That was Britain's Got Talent in what year?" "That's a hell of an act." "Even Piers Morgan will like that." "Rods were applied to Foster's mouth and ear." "The jaw quivered and one eye opened and when a rod was moved the whole body convulsed like reanimation." "wouldn't it?" "It made a strong impression..." "Of course it did!" "Sorry!" "they thought it was pneumatic power. which DOESN'T use electricity. did they ask his permission before they hanged him? "Do you mind?" "I sadly doubt it." "I fear not." "Did he have a donor card?" "He might have got a lesser sentence." "We'll hang you slightly quicker... how does that work?" "You must run electricity through it so it attracts other metals..." "You'd think." "How do buckets work?" "You put stuff in it." "Galvanised buckets." "Same way." "which resists corrosion." "Nothing to do with it." "It's a misnomer entirely. leading people to wonder if it contained the gift of life." "Now something disconnected." "Where are 1% of American adults?" "We could find out." "Use Google Earth." "Some of them are quite big." "You could. "There's one." "He's got his own postcode." "isn't it?" "So you're talking about 2.5-3 million." "Jail!" "of course." "G for gaol." "That many people?" "3 million people are locked up?" "2.3." "One in every 99.1 adults." "All of those guys are innocent." "but only have one arm!" "Well spotted!" "APPLAUSE more than six times as many as the Chinese." "No society in history has imprisoned more citizens." "Turkey and India." "Yes." "000." "It's three strikes and they're out." "That's the problem." "A legal system based on baseball(!" ") It just seems bizarre." "You don't understand the law." "It's complicated." "What's simple?" "Baseball!" "then." "Here's the rules..." Three strikes and you're out. 25 years or more." "Leandro Andrade is serving two consecutive 25-year terms for shoplifting nine videotapes." "26 years for stealing four chocolate chip cookies." "It's astonishing." "It's really stupid." "You know you're on this sort of deal..." "Take five!" "That is the idea." "Go nuts!" "Doanothermurder!" "Do a bank job." "No point in doing anything trivial." "It is a bit bonkers." "The racial and gender numbers are worrying." "One in 30 men aged 20-34 is behind bars." "But for black males it's one in nine." "One in nine." "There are more 17-year-old black people in gaol than in college." "25% of all prisoners are American." "Isn't there controversy with the business end of it?" "It is a business." "one thing I should have said when talking about contraband ID tags and other items. which allows the US to compete with factories in Mexico." "The workers can't refuse to work." "but something must be done." "It's more Question Time-y tonight." "It is a bit amazing." "Extraordinary." "It's slavery by the back door." "Exactly." "Another video I've got." "LAUGHTER" "Ohhh!" "You found the joke." "is there an incentive for you to work?" "You get solitary confinement if you refuse." "More than one in 100 American adults are in jail." "Now we're off to another location beginning with G. Why didn't the Emperor of China like pigeons?" "A pigeon flew into my house today." "I see." "Sorry." "Was this the terracotta army chap?" "He wouldn't want the pigeons to come and splash them." "Do you think the terracotta army was a mistake?" "He meant the territorial army!" "That's what he tried to say." "one is..." "Message carrying." "Because?" "They come back. namely his granaries." "He had huge rice granaries. then fly home. which would be washed." "And they could get 50lbs from 100 pigeons." "Can't they just eat the pigeons?" "I bet they did that as well." "It would be like stuffed pigeon with a sort of risotto thing... though." "Don't shoot the messenger." "though." "Did they get caught?" "I don't know." "I just simply don't know." "I once was given a pair of homing pigeons." "They fly back to where you bought them from!" "It's a brilliant scam!" "you could steal 50lbs of rice a day." "It's General Ignorance time." "Fingers on buzzers." "What mischief did Cornish wreckers get up to?" "I imagine it involved the gene pool." "# Give me just a little more time!" "# Jan?" "They lit fires and lured boats onto the rocks by pretending..." "Is that...?" "dear!" "You're thinking of mermaids." "I was totally sold on that idea." "That is the myth." "They didn't." "No record of it ever happening." "No contemporary source mentions it." "There was one accusation in Anglesey but that turned out not..." "Weren't people hanged for this?" "No." "No record of it." "Never happened?" "Only in novels like..." "Jamaica Inn." "Jamaica Inn." "By Daphne du Maurier." "Which you know all about." "You won Celebrity Mastermind." "curiously." "actually." "by Methodist preachers and taken up by Victorian romantic novelists and Daphne du Maurier." "and was the subject of a strange story." "He was at a children's party" "Daddy!" "but it's shocking." "You're very good." "You are!" "LAUGHTER Nanny!" "I'm going to church." "I want one of my daughters to go with me." "Mrs James." "Which one?" "the one with the red hair." "She'll go with this coat. but there's no evidence that they lured ships onto the rocks." "How could Archimedes have moved the Earth?" "# Gimme all your lovin'!" "# He could have made love to me like a wild man." "gimme!" "# Didn't he say he wanted a fulcrum big enough and then a lever?" "HOOTER But he couldn't have done it." "I'm only quoting him!" "He said..." "He's your best available source." "The best way to move the Earth is a montage with a Coldplay song." "Some sporting achievements and maybe Take That's Greatest Day." "You'll say next Archimedes' screw wasn't up to much." "I'm sure it was." "He did say..." "SPEAKS IN GREEK" "Give me a place to stand and I will move the Earth." He discovered the power of the lever." "wasn't he? to balance the planet he'd need a lever 6.5 billion light years long." "the Earth would move by less than the diameter of a single proton." "for goodness' sake!" "I'm being penalised for you taking his words as though he meant it." "He was merely..." "I'm asking how he could have." "Who is he on the phone to?" "This isn't working." "Is that Socrates?" "I saw a play about you... mate." "Can we all move the Earth when we walk around?" "In a literal sense." "Does it move a little bit?" "they'd be livid." "Did you put my toga in with that red towel? but it would cancel itself out under the Third Law of Motion." "The jumping up and down would cancel itself out." "So all that effort is a complete waste of time." "It is." "Speaking literally." "Archimedes would have moved the Earth more by jumping than by using a lever." "my goodness!" "Jan Ravens with six points!" "APPLAUSE Plus six!" "Jimmy Carr!" "APPLAUSE I'll take that!" "Clive Anderson!" "That's not bad." "APPLAUSE" "I'm afraid that means this week's loser is Alan with minus 18!" "APPLAUSE" "Alan and me." "The actress Tallulah Bankhead was in a stall in the ladies lavatory and heard someone in the next one." "I'm afraid not." "I can't see any." "have you got two tens for a twenty?" Good night." "Subtitles by Subtext for Red Bee Media Ltd - 2010" "Email subtitling@bbc.co.uk"