"ADMISSION" "An admissions officer must have a strong constitution... to be on the receiving end of... ..-an entire nation's application panic." "To endure the frustration and anger of all the so-called millennial parents, who just realized..." " Come on, hurry up!" " God, mom, relax." "There isn't room for every perfectly nurtured, organically fed, well-tutored offspring." "OK, I'm your tour guide." "There's no point in trying to impress me." "I have absolutely no power over your fate here." "The people with the power are right in there." "The Admissions officers." "And no, that sign is not an omen." "Except for some of you." "Almost all of you, actually." "We had twenty six thousand, two hundred and forty one applications last year." "One thousand, three hundred and eight of those applicants... are attending school here." "James, tours leave at 9:15." "It is 9:25." "Sorry, I thought I'd wait." "We had a late arrival." "I'm sorry, our GPS lied." "No worries, Mrs Lafont." "Welcome to Princeton." "So what's the secret to getting in?" "The secret." "Just be yourself." "If this is the right place for you, then this is where you'll end up." " James?" " Ok, let's go see Princeton." "We're going to play a fun game." "It's called spot the Nobel Prize winner." "What's the secret to getting in?" "There has to be one, right?" "Well, there is." "But I can't tell you." "Not yet." "What I can tell you is everyone thinks we're sadists." "That we like saying no." "This is not true." " No." " Portia." "No no no." "You're second reader on my territory this season." "Yes, I know." "As are you on mine." "That's the way it works." "I'll just wail until you catch up with me." "We are in this job for one reason." " Hello?" " Is this Portia Nathan?" "To say." "Yes." "Wow, I didn't think I'd gel you." "It's John Pressman from the New Quest School in Keene, New Hampshire." "OK." "Yeah, I sent you a few e-mails and left a couple messages." "Listen, thank you for calling." "Can you please e-mail me your information and I will call you back?" "Hey, not so rough." "How'd you like to have your udder yanked like that?" " Excuse me?" " Sorry, I was just talking to a student." "People, everyone, please." "I have a couple of announcements." "There is an announcement." "Portia, we're a new developmental school... and we have our first graduating class this year." "I know you're going to be making your school visits in the next few weeks." "I'd like for you to visit our campus." "Our kids would gain a lot from it and I think you would too." "Right, I will look into it." "Gotta go." "You know, I went to Dartmouth, same time as you." "Bye." "Thank you for calling." "So we're breaking records in application numbers, naturally because we've been number one for so long." "Number one until today." "Princeton has just fallen to number two." "What this means is that we all have to work harder than ever because I want to go out on top." "Yes, you see the rumors are true." "I've decided to retire." "And pass the baton to a worthy successor." "I'm spending an extra four days in the Andover-Hotchkiss triangle." "And I've added five full days to the San Francisco Bay Area and Northern California." "And I've added a number of new schools." "In fact, I was just talking to the co-founder of Quest.-." "...a developmental high school with their first year of college applicants." "Clarence, we're going to be back on lop." "We're going sejustamedium." "Yup, don't listen to me." "You'd end up with a mouthful of cavities." "Hey, how about this rechargeable toothbrush?" "That looks pretty cool." "Yeah, I don't think I need that... as much as I do appreciate Thomas the Tank Engine." "I'm an idiot." "You just pick what you need." "Just..." "Ok then." "OK..." " Well I guess this is it." " Yeah." " Thanks." " Don't mention it." "Portia?" "Are you all right?" "I'm fine." "I'm great." "What are you doing here?" "Well, we're just up the street." "She said she's fine." "Have you been drinking, Portia?" "A little bit." "You know me, I'm a lightweight." "Where are your glasses?" "I thought I'd give contacts a try." "Well, all right." "Good to see you." "Oh no." "That's harsh." "Yes." "Yes it is." " Portia Nathan here." " Susannah here." "Your mother." "Mom." "Mark called." "I know he never liked me... but he thought you might be in need of some comfort and guidance." "So, I think this is all a very good thing." "Getting left is a good thing?" "Really?" "I have to go." "Good, you're angry." "You need to express that." "Talk to me." "I'm here for you." "Sweetie." "Well, I actually feel really sad and" "And that is exactly why I knew that night on the train thirty seven years ago -the man reading "I'm OK, You're OK".-." "No, please, not the train story." "I knew I needed his sperm but I did not need him." "Hey!" "Watch yourself, asshole!" "Mom." "Susannah..." "I wanted a child but not some moody relationship." "Sex with a stranger on the New Jersey Transit was the answer to my problems." "It's not healthy to need other people too much." "Now you need to go out and fall in love with yourself." " Well I'm going to go do that." " You go, girl." "Yup." "Going to go buy a train ticket right now." "Please Do Not Disturb" "John, it's Portia again." "This is my eighth... no ninth message." "Please call me back." "It is very important that you not tell Jeremiah a thing about the thing." "The thing that we were talking about." "Not a word." "Call me back." "Maybe I got a glass eye, but it some from working in a factory at the age of eleven." "They hooked it out because they didn't have a shield on the works bul I wear it like a medal because it tells the world where I belong, deep down in the working class." "Yeah!" "Hey Princeton, what are you doing?" "Just observing the school so I can better evaluate applicants." "Cool." "I'm cutting class." "Cutting class is never a good idea." "I hate geography class." "I hate maps." "You hate maps?" "Why?" "Because you never know where you'll end up on them." "Not with my dad." "Well, I'm sure your dad has excellent reasons for living a rootless and impulsive life." "I thought you loved traveling." "I'm sick of traveling." "I love playing Bridge." "Besides, do they even play Bridge in Ecuador?" "No idea." " How long have you been at Princeton?" " Sixteen years, but" "Wow." "You totally rock." " Yeah, thanks." "Why is that?" " Because you're totally predictable." "So, can you tell me where I can find your dad?" "I've been trying to reach you." "I left you a million messages." "Yeah, well sorry, I'm a little busy." "What are you doing to that cow?" "The cow's in labor." "I'd shake your hand, but..." " Look, I never told a soul" " Stay back!" "This cow doesn't know you." "Actually, I think we met the last time I was here." "Do you even know whether Jeremiah wants to meet his birth mother'?" "He wrote an essay last year entitled..." ""Nature versus Nurture:" "I wonder who my birth parents are"" "Portia the Wise!" "Nelson told me you were here." "I just wanted to thank you so much!" "I had the best night of my life." "There is nothing I want more in life than to go to Princeton." "Nothing." "Is something wrong with that cow?" "Where's the goddamn vet!" "Well, I'm going to find my own way out." "Shit!" "This isn't right." "This isn't how it looks on the internet!" " OK, bye now." "Best of luck with all that." " Come back!" "Grab her head." "Calm her down." "No, you said stay back." "I changed my mind!" " She looks so mad." " Well she's probably protecting her young." "Hey there, little mama." "It's all going to be OK." "Just just focus on your breath." "Your terrible, terrible breath." "Think how lucky you are not to be on a beef ranch right now." "I'm sorry, that was inappropriate." "Where is the bull that did this to you?" "He's probably out partying with his friends." "She's clamping again!" "Jeremiah, get back here!" "Please!" "Fast!" "You are not alone." "You are not alone, OK mama?" "We're here with you." "You can do this." "Because it happens either way." "It happens either way." "All right, it's coming!" "Portia, gel back here, now!" "Horrible." "Grab a hoof, grab a hoof." "All right, I'm going to count to three." "One two, three, pull!" "It's gross!" "Boundaries!" "Did you not see my "Do Not Disturb" Sign?" "Yeah, I saw it." "But you're not the only one who reeks of cow placenta." "Why do you have "Do Not Disturb" signs with you?" "Oh, I don't know." "Maybe for times like these." "Here, try this soap." "Look, he's a great kid and you're clearly a great, mildly compulsive woman." "Take the leap!" "I'm sorry, who's mildly compulsive?" "Why do you run around fixing everyone else's life?" "What about yours?" "My life is fine, thank you very much." "It's frigging great." "Oh god, the water just turned to ice!" "Whoops, sorry." "Yeah, it's solar powered." "Bit finicky." "Jeremiah has to get his application in, pronto." "Work on his resume." "A unique talent that demonstrates passion and commitment would be good." "He has got to get going on his essay." "And you have to prepare him for an alumni interview." "You may have built schools in third world countries... and cleaned contaminated water from villages but you have never tried to get a kid into Princeton." " Neither have you." " I am not trying!" "I am an Admissions Officer." "I'm just helping you try." "As I would with any outstanding student who may have been overlooked." "There's nothing improper going on here." "I am going to exit the shower stall now." "OK." "Well I'm going to remain in the shower stall for approximately thirty seconds." "Fantastic." "HEY" "Yes?" "How can I help you?" "Do you think he has a shot?" "Send me his transcripts." "Nelson, take a corner kick." "Nelson, take a corner kick." "What was that?" "Do it again." "I'm not good at corner kicks." "Horseshit." "Put your heart into it-." "Hey, Portia- How you doing?" "This is, without a doubt, the worst transcript I have ever seen." "Switch." "Ds and Fs in ninth, tenth and eleventh grade?" "Suspensions, detentions, a Special Ed class?" "What the hell were you thinking?" "Did you read the rest of it?" "Why?" "Am I missing a police record?" "Come on, man!" "Quit half-assing it!" "Play like that, those Ecuadorian kids are going to eat you up." "An right." "Jeremiah got the top score on eight Advanced Placement tests without ever taking the Advanced Placement courses?" "And his SATs are almost perfect." " God, did he..." " Cheat?" "No." "I insisted he take those tests." "He's the most brilliant student I've come across." " Really?" " Switch!" "Regardless, kids like Jeremiah don't get into Princeton." "He's going to be up against kids that have resumes fifteen feet long." "So?" "Those kids are so burnt out already all they want to do is get stoned... and play frisbee for the rest of their lives." "Princeton would be damn lucky to have Jeremiah." "Hey, "Fulbol."" ""Futbol" - it's the world's sport, all right?" "Put some heart into it!" "Did you get that other thing I sent you?" " In the box?" " What?" "World's Greatest Mom" " Very funny." " Look, he wants this." "He really wants this." "And I think he would thrive there." "I can see it." "Look, I can't do anything that could get me into trouble." "But since you're new to the process, as a professional courtesy, I can send you books, resources, everything that one might need." "OK?" " Great." " Goodbye." "What the hell was that?" "I put my heart into it- "Futbol."" "I'll give you ten bucks if you can do it again." "They grow up so damn fast, don't they?" "Yeah." "Which one is yours?" "Yeah." "How to Talk So Teens WIN Listen" "With a megaphone." "Right?" "Exactly." "College Bound and Gagged i"