"Let's kick ass, sweetie." "This afternoon will be fine." "But check on that." "Bobby, I don't like that and that." "And I don't want that." "I just want those." " Morning, darling." " Morning." "Thank you, sweetie." "Do you hear that?" "Do you hear that noise, that bell?" "What is it, sweetie?" "Ah!" "Stop it, stop it." "Stop..." "Stop it." "Stop it." "Saffy, darling." "Saff!" "Saff!" "Saff!" "Tinnitus!" "Tinntilus!" "Tinntillitus!" "Darling, sweetheart, darling..." "It's gone." "It's cleared, it's cleared!" "If it's going to be any use, you have to remember you've got it." "Don't throw it there." "I've got to waste valuable seconds walking over, bending down and picking it up." "Valuable seconds." "When I should be..." "Yes!" "I'm trimming down my life, darling." "Working to a schedule." "Moving out." " Anyway." " Anyway." "Yeah, anyway, darling..." "Can't get distracted." "Got to keep on the move today." "Have you seen this?" "It's got all my appointments, meetings, lunches, phone number... s!" "There's something else in there." "Everything I need to know and when I've got to do it!" "This is the new me." "I'm a mover and a shaker, and I'm moving out." "It's work, work, work for me from now on, darling." "Why?" "Well, someone gave it to me free, and it's the latest thing." "You'd be better off writing everything down on a piece of paper." "Piece of paper!" "It's all very well for you." "Get up." "Drink Appletise." "Go to university." "Scribble, scribble." "Oh, very important." "Come home." "Drink Appletise." "Go to bed." "It's all very well for someone who still organises their life from a 1986 Letts Pocket Brownie diary with a matching mini pencil!" "Life is slightly more complicated for the rest of us, darling - e. g. "Wednesday 8 a.m. Get up." "Kick ass. " Well..." "There's one step ahead already." ""Exercise. "" "No, don't touch those!" "It took three hours to choose those last night." "Those are the clothes I must put on today." "Those are the ones that have been chosen." "The decision has been made." "You can tell juanita, or whatever her name is, that everything has to go to the dry-cleaners every other day." "I've practically no clean knickers left at all." " I've got to get this house in shape." " What have you done about the kitchen?" " What about it?" " We still haven't got one!" "I'll consult my oracle and see what can be done." " See you downstairs." " Yeah." "Oh, no, darling!" "Come back here!" "You know what I'm going to say." "You know what I'm going to say." "I hate those flowers, those flowers there." "They're too English." "I just want simplicity and japanese efficiency." "The land where they don't have time to let the trees grow tall." "That's what I want." "No theatre, and no time for petals in my life." "I want stems!" "Yes, Mum." ""Quick shower. "" "Oh, and one other thing, darling." "Come back." "Sweetheart - and I put a couple of seconds aside to say this to you today." "Why can't you have floppy hair like any normal teenager?" "Don't have it bunched up like this." "Let it free, give it a life." "Flop, flop, flop, flop!" "Even little Eskimo teenagers have floppy hair." "Little Amazonian Pygmy teenagers have floppy hair, darling." "Right." "Quick shower, quick shower." "Wash and go." "Sand paper, exfoliant, cellulite breakdown, tone and perm, Auto Bronze on, and birch twigs." "Should I have soap?" "No, No soap." "Hi, Gran." "No, no." "Oh, Lord Jesus Christ!" "Oh, bloody-buggery Almighty!" "Attune, attune..." "I think your mother wants you, Saffy, dear." "No!" "I just cannot be THIS person." "I cannot be this person." "Oh, what?" "What now?" "What, what, what?" "Yeah, darling Bubble, it's me." "I'm getting bogged down here." "You'll have to cancel a couple of meetings." "Just ring them up." "No, you do it!" "Just ring them up, darling." "Ring me back and tell me what they..." "Unless you've already..." "You do it!" "No, you do it!" "All right." "Speak to me." "Speak to me." "Where are you?" "Where are you?" "Ahhh!" "Ahhh!" "Yes!" "Yes!" "Now I hear you." "I hear you." "Yes!" "Yes!" "Yes!" "Yes!" "Oh, thank God." "X- generation silver tracksuit, that's me." "Huh? "Breakfast. "" ""Black coffee and crispbread. 15 minutes. "" "I can't eat crispbread for 15 minutes." "That'll grate my insides." "Croissant." " Morning, dear." " Morning." "Surprise, surprise, you're here." "Can you make Mama a cup of coffee?" "Oh, and how should we do that?" "Rub two sticks together and draw water from the well?" "Don't think you're so clever." "I've started Repressed False Memory Therapy." "I'll get something on you yet." "You in a wood in a hood." "It's all coming back to me." "This place will get done." "It just can't happen overnight, darling." "I am doing it." "When?" "You've got every swatch, every sample, every picture, every magazine." "Every interior designer in London has been marched around this sad basement." "Not Anouska Hemple, darling." "I've had it up to here with black taffeta." "It cannot be that difficult." " Have you any idea of the choice?" " Just point at a picture." " I've seen a door handle I quite like." " Mum!" " We need surfaces, a cooker, a dishwasher." " A dishwasher." "A dishwasher!" "I don't see the point in them." "You've still got to stand up, go over to them, bend over, put things in, take them out, put them wherever they go." " Washing-up is the easy part." " How would you know?" "Well, they wouldn't give Nanette Newman anything too complicated to do." " I must be going." "I'll see you later maybe." " Bye, Gran." "Bye, dear." " Morning, Patsy." " Mrs M." " Are you feeling all right, dear?" " Well, actually..." "Oh, good." " Pats, what do you think about the kitchen?" " It's fabulous." " It's not done yet." " But darling, darling..." "Maybe she's right." "Maybe this is fabulous." " No." " Darling." "Darling!" "An interior designer might have taken months to get it look this good." "Months of work to get this scorching, distressed look." "A hell of a lot of thought might have gone in to this." "Some people specialise in this look." "Just because she did it unconscious with a cigarette doesn't make it wrong." "It is like art." "What the hell is the difference between a painting by someone who chooses to paint like a child and a child's painting?" "No, it looks fine to me." "It's naive." "Simplicity and utility." "Yeah, I know." "It's just that I don't like it." " Forget it." "What do you want?" " Do you know that picture of the Hoover Dam?" " Do you want modern?" " Yes, but not what modern was, post-modern, or what it is, just new, but what it will be." "You know, like a stainless steel operating theatre." "No, no..." "When you're at the dentist and there's that chair and "clang-clang-clang", the big light comes down, and there's this pink spit..." "The thing you spit into that bowl, that sort of look is what I want." "The bowl." " A sort of ultra-modern spitoon." " Yes!" "I thought you liked some of the ones in the Conran book." "That's depressing in itself, darling." "No matter what you're doing, whatever you want, there's always a Terence-bloody-buggery-Conran book on it!" "Piece of muslin and a terracotta tile and suddenly it's Tuscany." "It takes more than a carefully placed bottle of olive oil and balsamic vinegar to make a kitchen." "Eddie, you know those things that hang down from the ceiling." "You don't want those!" "You don't want to be living in constant danger of being decapitated by a fish broiler." "No." "Anyway, I could have thought of all that." "I wonder if Lacroix does kitchens yet?" "Eddie, I want to..." " That'll be Bubble." " Oh, damn." " Why is she coming here?" " I have a meeting with some advertisers today." "There's no point in going into the office just to come out again." " Lunch today, Eddie?" " Yeah, we can have lunch." "I may be on a tight schedule, but I still have time for my friends." "Sorry I'm a bit late." "I got attached to this guy at South Kensington." "His toggle got caught in me bellybutton ring and I had to go five stops past." " Oh, let's see." "Is it bleeding?" " That's disgusting!" "Butchery!" " You were saying I should get that done." " Just to see." " What?" " Well, how much it hurts." "It can't hurt much more than tattooing, and you've had that done." " I just have a little one on my shoulder." " Woooooo!" " Shh!" " She said you had one on your unspeakables." " Eddie!" " Unmentionables, I said." "That could be anywhere on her." " I'm going upstairs." "I've got work to do." " Before you go, can you help me?" "I've got the PR-PR-Persons'- Awards-Dinner-of-the-Month lunch tomorrow." " Can you help me write a speech?" " No." "I don't know why I can't do it." "There's a speech in here." "I must have a block." "Book me a high colonic, darling." "I'll get it out by hook or by crook." "And then go through my Dictaphone and extract anything important, all right?" "I'm going for a slash." "Shall I put it on my pad?" " Your pad?" "Where's the computer?" " Computer?" " Yeah, I told you to buy a laptop." " A lap... top." "Top...?" "Get rid of it." "But I've grown so fond, and it's so cute." "And it's not just for life, it's for Christmas." "Just do the Dictaphone, darling." "The Dictaphone." "It's very important." "All right." "I've got rhythm" "I've got music" " Who is it?" " It's me, Patsy." "But it's not what you think." "What do you mean?" " Can I come in?" " Don't try anything." "Don't close the door!" "Look, this is quite serious." "I want you to look at something." "I'd ask Eddie, but she's very busy." "I thought you might understand it, doing science and all." "It's confidential." " What is it?" " I just want you to tell me what it means and how bad it is." "Oh, well, it's from your Health Authority." " What does it mean?" " They need you to go for a smear test and a breast check." "They have no record of you ever having either and that's quite dangerous in a woman of your sort of age." " What do they think I've got?" " They test for cancer." " Where?" "Look, I don't want to be asking you this!" "Your cervix." "The entrance to your womb." "Look." "Oh, right, right." " Yeah, right." " OK." "Yeah, right, right." "Yeah." "Where's the other leg?" "It's a cross-section!" "I mean, it's nothing to worry about." "I'll fill in this form for you and all you have to do is post it." "And... the breast thing?" "Do you ever check your breasts yourself?" "No, but you can't miss them." "Never had any complaints." "Are you all right in there?" "You just have to go." "I'm calling you on your way back to the office." "Take your mobile." "Off you go." " Hello, Bubble speaking." " Yes, I know." "Go, go!" "I want you to cancel that meeting." "Nobody likes me and they won't like what I have to say." "But I'll say it anyway." "They can do what they want, and it'll be great." "Just go!" "Go on!" " What if they want to speak to you?" " Now we're getting feedback." " Tell them I haven't got time." " Have you got the number?" "Do you feel anything?" "What's that?" "For heaven's sake!" "Look, I..." "Well, what?" "Well, I don't think there's any rain on the way." "Hang on." "What's that?" "No, no, I know what that is." "That's all right." "I think you're OK, but you should see a doctor anyway." "Right." "And the other thing, the smear, is that a doctor thing or...?" "Doctor!" "If you ever mention this to anyone, I'll kill you!" "Don't worry, I don't want people knowing either." "Right." "Cheers, thanks a lot." "What?" "What now?" "Oh, yes." "Achtung, achtung, achtung!" "Jawohl!" "It's all right, darling." "I'm going to do this in a totally calm and non-aggressive way." "Give me back my life!" " I wondered how long that would last." " Yeah, well..." "You can't live your life under such pressure." "I had to cancel all my appointments already." " Well done, Eddie." " Yeah!" "Anyway, I've seen this new one." "It's a crystal-driven, biorhythm-attuned organiser." "It tells you when YOU are ready for a meeting, and not the other way around." "Only when your goddess power is at its most fertile should you attempt one." "Oh, and there's the Shirley MacLaine organiser." "It fixes up meetings in different existences and lives." "In which life are you going to get round to doing something about the kitchen?" "!" "Instead of wasting a whole day, do one thing, here and now, on this plane." "Just one thing!" "If you don't do this place, I will." "Lighten up, sweetie." "Lighten up!" "Oh, God..." "Heal." "Heal." "You don't get things done just by being uptight, darling." "Anyway, I'm going to do one thing today." "I shall go and find the door handle." " You don't mind if we do that?" " No, there's still time for lunch and shopping." "Oh, yeah." "My mouth and my credit card are still very much in this life." "Come on." ""Meg Ryan - movie star. " I'll be the judge of that." " She's all gums." " Who?" " Meg Ryan." " You aren't still going on about her?" "Sh, darling." "I've got to think." "I've got to plan my day and what I've got to do." "One:" "I've got to get the door handle." "Well, what?" "I have to do these things." "I have to get the door handle." "You haven't got this responsibility." "You haven't got the burden of property." " Where are you living at the moment, anyway?" " I've still got that little place." "Above Oddbins." "Well, you only rent that place." "Two..." "Two?" " Have lunch, Eddie." " Have lunch." "I have to make a list." "Don't let me forget the speech for the PR-PR-Persons'" " Awards lunch." " Eddie, Eddie, Eddie?" " What?" "Have you had the tit test?" " What do you mean "tit test"?" " You know... the hand tit test?" "I don't do the hand tit test thing, I go to the clinic once a month and have a mammoliagram." "Stop!" "There's a shop back there I want to look at, just in case." "Turn round and pull over." "And when you pull over, will you switch the engine off?" "You can't drive round like that wasting petrol." "I know you've got a catatonic converter, but they're no good." "This is so clean!" "Clean, clean, clean, clean, clean." "Darling, Patsy, I don't want clean." "I can't remember where I've seen that door handle." "Why don't you get someone to do it?" "Just do it!" "Because I'm not like you, Pats." "I can't just live in anything." "I'm very sensitive to my surroundings." "That's why I have to get my feng chewy man in to do it." "It's great." "He's a Chinese master in where to put furniture to energise your life into a higher state of living and success." " Is he in China?" " No, darling." "In a bedsit up in Camden Town, on the railway." "Where should we have lunch, Eddie?" "Atlantic?" "I remember where I've seen the door handle." " Hey-ho." " La-di-da." "I just want to get the door handle." "We've got a few things then to do." " Like what?" " Lunch." "We'll go to Sardi's for lunch." "Then we'll do Ralph Lauren, Donna Karan..." " Let's cross here." "... Calvin Klein..." " Karl Lagerfeld." " We can do Lagerfeld, darling." "You've got to make me sip something every 15 seconds, or I'll die." " You know which way, Eddie?" " This way." "Madonna has got offices down here." "I nearly had sex with her." "Didn't we all?" " Did you ever see that book, darling?" " Kids' stuff." "Should we get a cab?" "If we've got time, we could get some little gorgeous things." "Oh, that's nice." "It's a bit better now." "How much further is it?" "Just here." " No, no." "Do you think I should?" " Yeah." "It's the thing to do." "If you don't do it, you won't have done it." " But it might hurt." " No, it won't hurt." "If it hurts, so many people wouldn't have had it done, would they?" " Now, come on in." " No, I don't want to do it!" "Oh, sorry, dear, I didn't know you were in." "That's OK, Gran, come in." "I'm not doing anything." "Er... no, I don't think so, dear." " Four Seasons." " Well, that's it." "The door handles are up here, darling." "This is how I want my kitchen." "Like that." "And those flowers." " Door handle!" " Take it, then." "It's fabulous." "Gorgeous, isn't it?" "It's exactly right." "Got it." " Ed?" " Huh?" " Do you want me to get it for you?" " How would we get it out?" "Well, I could, er..." "No, not here!" "Come on." " Good day." " Yeah." "Now, off to the heliport via customer collection." " Ouch, ouch." " Don't fiddle with it." "It'll go septic." " Why did you make me do that, darling?" " I just wanted to see how much it would hurt." "But I did quite well." "I wasn't unconscious for long." "You came round quickly." "I was proud of you." " Here, darling." "For the pain." " Thank you, sweetheart." "New York is the only place in America I think I could live." "You wouldn't have to live there." "Get there and back like this in a day." " I mean, God, who'd live in LA?" " Marshalls." " Hope the next earthquake wipes them out." " Serve them right." "Who in their right mind would go jogging on a fault line?" "They deserve to die." "Pert tits and tight butt so you can plunge down a crack in the earth with confidence." "I've got that photo so I can show Saffy the door handle." "Go through my list." " "Door handle" - done." " Congratulate yourself, Eddie." " "Lunch. " Done." " Well done, sweetie." "Thank you, darling." " "Speech. " I haven't written my speech." " Congratulate yourself anyway, Eddie." " Darling, I've forgotten my speech." " Start with "Dear ladies or jelly spoons"." "No, they wouldn't think that was funny." "I'll get Bubble to phone up" " and tell them I got lockjaw or something." " Oh, Eddie." " An important letter I was supposed to post." " Huh?" "It's a bit late now." " What are you doing up so late?" " You know." " Oh, have you had people here or something?" " Just a few friends and stuff." "That's great, great..." "Eddie, show her the..." "Sweetie, come and look at Mama." "Turn round." "Look what I've done today." "Look at this." "Look at my stomach." "When the swelling goes down, you'll be able to see it better." " What do you think?" " Looks great." "Anyway, I'm off to bed." "Good night." "Darling, we'll keep the noise down." "We'll just have this... one bottle." " It's OK, I don't care." " Sweetie, sweetie..." "You and I have quite a..." "quite a cool relationship, don't we, darling?" "It was my birthday today, Mum." "No, you come back here." "Come back here!" "Do you think you can just say something like that..." "Hit and run." "Come here, darling!" "Now, listen..." "I gave you that birthday, darling." "Have you thought about that, huh?" "You wouldn't have that birthday if I hadn't been generous enough to uncross my legs and give you to the world!" "Nobody's thanked me, have they?" "That's gratitude for you." " Now, what have we got?" " What have we got?" " Pats, look at the kitchen." " Oh, it's fabulous." " No, look what has been done." " What?" "How?" " How?" "I mean, yes, how?" "How?" " How?" " I can't get anything done in a day." " What?" "So, what's all this in aid of?" "It's not Christmas again, is it?" " Seems like only yesterday." " Seems like only last year." " Well, it's every year, you know, dear." " It's New Year's Eve." "Should auld acquaintance be..." " Forgot." " Yes, never mind." " There's not much meat on this bird." " That could have been you, Gran." " Is there anything else you'd like me to do?" " Could you rinse these grapes?" " Are these seedless?" " Yes." "I like them." "I'd never go back to pips now." "Not after Sainsbury's seedless, no." "Just think of one." "I've got one, you've got to have one." "Hello, darling." "My New Year's resolution, sweetie:" "To have more fun." " What's yours, Pats?" " I think I'll try to be a little more relaxed." "You?" "More relaxed?" "What is that?" "Dead?" "Well, that cancels out my resolution." " What's she doing here?" " I thought you knew." " Where are you going tonight, Mum?" " As part of my special New Year's Eve treat," "Pats has got a connection that can get us into the hippest club in the universe." "This club is so hip it isn't even a club." "Goodbye Megatropolis ambient house with Red Indian jungle synth." "Catch Mama." "Goodbye Babes in Toyland glam-ram trashy ambient jazz with a Dennis the Menace and a couple of black and whites thrown in, and hello Frankie Knuckles' CD-ROM Dance Happening, darling." "You can forget your Es and you LSDs, there's a whole alphabet of leisure drugs available." " Where is it?" " Underground car park in Romsey." "Fabulous." " I wondered why you weren't in New York." " That place in New York was all right, but..." "The Karl Lagerfeld bondage rooms at Club 64." " How did you know that?" " I'm still on their mailing list." "That was Patsy's little joke last year." " Did you get anything from their catalogue?" " For whips and chains I'll go to Peter jones." "They'll beat anything, apparently." "You didn't think I'd be here with you, did you?" "Yes, I did." "I've got Dad and Oliver coming over, and my friend Sarah, whom you like so much, and Gran is going to be here, and everyone was really hoping, Mum, that you would be." "I know they'll be heartbroken." " Eddie..." " I'm ignoring it." "So, do stay, but I won't expect you to break the habit of a lifetime." " Darling, that is unfair." " Yeah." " There were times when you were very little..." " Yes, when..." " When even a dog refused to babysit." " Exactly." "And I was forced to see the New Year in with you." "Never!" "You were always pissed by midnight." "Big Ben counted you out." " Who's Big Ben?" " Let's crack open the Bolly." " Let's get the evening underway." " Yeah, come on!" "So, this New Year thing." "Am I correct in thinking it's when the year goes up one?" "That's right, yeah." " Two?" " No, only one, dear." " To 1995." " I should make a note of that in my pad." " At what time does it occur?" " Midnight." "Because I'm always signing cheques for you with the wrong date on." " What did she say?" " It's clever, though, the way it happens." "Regular, almost like clockwork." "Twelve months go by, "Hello, hello, hello", of their own accord, and behold, another year begins." "It knows what it is, and somehow, as if by magic, everyone in the world knows as well." "The sweet, sad passage of time." " What is she drivelling on about?" " I think she's just clearing a blockage." "She's still again now, I think we're safe." "You, what are you doing here?" "You can go." " It'll come to me." " That'll be Dad and Oliver." " Hello?" "Mum, it's Marshall." " Oh, my God, it never rains but it pours." "Ex-husband flash-flood." "Hello!" "Where is my son?" "I told him he should go to you for New Year's, but you know what he's like." "He went straight out and applied for a position in Sarajevo." "Good God." "How are you?" "I'm having a great time." "No, the animation was not a major box office, but we've gone into turnaround, and as a sidebar, let me say, I've ankled to Disney and we're developing a relationship." " He's unemployed again." " Oh, no." "I'm with someone else." " Describe her to me, Marshall." " Well, why don't I let her describe herself?" "Here you are, gorgeous." "Hello." "Hi, my name is Cherysh, with a "y"." "Em..." "I work out in West Hollywood with Lorenzo." "I'm 117 pounds on a good day." "Character-wise, I'm kind of borderline shy/wild." " I like to surf and turf in that order." " That's enough now." "Things I like to do:" "Walk on the beach with wind in my heart and meaningful thoughts in my hair." "I get really distressed by hatred and violence between peoples." " We should reach our arms out across the..." " That's enough now, Cherysh." "Because, like the whales, our tongues transcend the wide oceans." "By the way, I do greetings cards and messages for all occasions:" "Births, deaths, reincarnations, coming of spirits." "Well, that's about it, really." "So, nice to speak with you." "Ta-ta!" " Chim Chiminee, old chap!" " Give me the phone now, baby." "How come when she put the phone to her ear, all I could hear was the ocean?" " I'm speaking on the telephone!" " Oh, excuse us!" "Yeah, Happy New Year." "I'll see you." " You have a really good sense of humour." " And you have really great tits." "Thank you." "Excuse me, coming through." "How come all my ex-husbands end up with bimbos?" "I see you are on castors these days, how cute." "I think they're a great way for hauling around big large hefty objects, don't you?" "If you'd said that when you arrived, I might have been impressed." " Can't you take them off?" " I'm afraid to." "I put them on on the plane coming home from the Caribbean." "My feet swelled and if you release the pressure they might explode!" "Ohh!" "Ohhh!" "Oh, God!" "Ohh!" "Oh, that's all right, actually." "Oh, no!" "Light legs now, light legs, hang on." "Fabulous, aren't they?" "Pats gave them to me for Christmas." "I gave them to you for Christmas." "I didn't say they were from me, I just gave them to you." "I love them, darling." "I think they're gorgeous." " Darling, did you get that lovely little..." " Harrods hampster." "Darling, the little Harrods hampster..." " Hamper, yes." " Hamper, hamper." "Not completely useless, you know." "Which reminds me..." "I know something." "Come to me, come to me, come to me." "You!" "...have a sister, a sister, a sister..." "We all know that, darling." "I didn't know that." " Oh, yes." " There's more." " She has a name." " Yeah." "Her name is j... j j... j... j... j..." " jackie!" " Oh, God." " How do you know?" "I never told you that." " A sister?" "THAT I would like to see." " You can." "She's coming over in a minute." " In a minute?" "!" " How do you know this?" " She taxed while you were on holiday." " Eddie, jacks taxed the fax..." " Fax, fax!" " Jacks faxed the office she's coming..." " Oh, not tonight!" " She's coming here to see me." " What for?" "What do you mean "What for"?" "It's enough that she's coming here tonight." " Eddie, she can come out with us." " Oh, no!" " It'll be fantastic, jacks out with us!" " This is MY night." "Jackie is fabulous on an international scale." "Wherever jackie is, is the place to be." "The jet-set just follow her like a flock of migrating birds." "The Grimaldis, the Khashoggis, the Van Thyssens, the Rothschilds." " She must be quite something." " She is there behind the rich and powerful, beside the rich and powerful, under the rich and powerful." " Ski-runs in Switzerland..." " Drug runs in Cuba." " Eddie!" " She's a walking syringe, that woman." " At least SHE had the guts to do it." " When did you last see her?" "Well, it wasn't so long ago, I suppose..." "I remember, dear." "It was when she was with that group." " What was it?" "The Beach Boys, The Beatles..." " It was the Baader-Meinhof!" " It must be 20 years ago." " Well, I can't wait to meet this woman." "First time you ever said that, I imagine." "I hope you are taking her with you tonight." "She's hardly likely to stick around here when Frankie Knuckles beckons!" " Does she have to come with us?" " Oh, Eddie, it'll be a fabulous night!" "Jacks with us, she won't be any trouble." " I promise you that, on my honour." " Please, please..." " Patsy's honour?" "Send out..." "... a search party." "Hi, jacks." "Hi." "Hi, jacks." "Just, you know, hi." "Hi, jacks, just come in." " Pats!" " Jacks." "I didn't recognise you." "You've put on weight." "Come in." "I have some luggage." " May I smoke?" " Darling, you can do anything you want." "Then I needn't have bothered to do that." "So, this is Eddie's place." "Not bad." "Not so vulgar as I expected." " Do you like it, jacks?" " Close." " What area is this?" "Shepherd's Bush?" " Holland Park." "Hello." " Eddie." "Eddie, jacks." "Hi." " Yes, I remember you." "Another one who's ballooned." "So, what is it, a waxworks museum?" " This, um, this..." " The House of Wax?" "We're going to have to help Patsy." "She hasn't entertained on such a scale before." " On any scale." " This is my daughter Saffy." " Never mind." "Too late to flush her now." " I know." "Hi, I'm justin." "And this is my..." "This is Oliver." "Men, thank God." "There's nothing I hate more than being in all-female company." "Little does she know." " I'm Saffy's father." " How sweet to admit to a thing like that." "Is it very bright in here, or am I badly lit?" " Oh, my darling, that's not possible." " No." "Jacks, just have a seat, darling." "We're gonna have a little quick drink and then pop off to this club." " So, 20 years." " Is it?" " Oh, yes, it was just before our mother died." " Yeah." " How was the funeral?" " Oh... you know, not bad." " She was dead, wasn't she?" " Yes." " Then it was great." "Any of the others there?" " No, I was the only family." " What's that supposed to mean?" " Nothing, I didn't expect you to be there." "How many are there?" "I don't know much about Patsy's family." "Why should you?" "You deserve to be kept in the dark." "My God, if you were mine, I'd go one step further and put a bag over your head." " I'm going downstairs." " Can't take the heat?" "She puts you in the shade." "You're a very poor reproduction." "So, how many of you are there, brothers and sisters?" "Nobody knows." "Our mother gave birth like a giant sprinkler, scattering bastard babies to the four corners of the globe." "How nicely put." " Do you... did you have the same fathers?" " No one knows." "Mother was such a slut." "They could have been any of the men in any of the bars in France." "She was the entertainment." " Before slot-machines." " She WAS the slot-machine." "So, who's the older, I mean, the big... bigger sister?" "I am." " So..." " Well, you both look so great." "How old are you?" " I'm 41." " I'm 39." "Excuse me, I have to go to the bathroom a moment." "Upstairs to the left, don't just wander about." " Well, I think she's wonderful." " Wonderful." "God, you two are so predictable." "A bitch with a drug habit and you're anybody's." "Marlene and judy rolled into one for you, is it?" " Get her to tell you the Dietrich stories." " No, no, darling!" "She does the whole of Carnegie Hall, we'll be here all night." "You are clever doing all this." "It's not all me, the salads are Delia Smith's." "Does she know you've got them?" "Anyway, I prefer to stay down here, out of the firing-line." " In the trenches?" " Yes." " Anything I can do, dear?" " No, thanks, Gran." " You still here?" " God, she's gone to the toilet again." " I can't believe what that woman said to me." " She is witty, I'll give her that." "What gives her the right to treat people like that, Mum?" "She's thin!" " You OK, jacks?" " Yes." "You've got everything you need?" "I've got a stash if you need something softer." "Toilet paper?" "No, a little something next time you need to use the bathroom." "You know, freshen up a little." "Oh, no, darling, I don't do that any more." "I just needed the loo." "I have a little bladder problem at the moment." "Do you have anything to eat?" " To...?" "!" " Eat." " But, jacks, we're just about to go out." " I have to eat something." " Eddie?" " I'm ready to go." "Where are my cigarettes?" "Yes, we'll be going soon, but there's no rush about this." "This is not the sort of club you arrive at early." "Let's be cool about it." " The thing is that jacks..." " Oh, jacks what, jacks what?" "I am feeling a little peckish." "So, have you got any of those food things?" "Oh, cheers." "Delicious." " Are you all right, darling?" " Yeah." " Happy New Year's Eve!" " Sh!" "Happy New Year's Eve." " Are you all right, Gran?" " Oh, yes, dear." "So, who are we this evening?" "It's just us, Dad and Oliver and Sarah." "Oh, I was rather hoping you'd start with me, dear." "Who am I?" "Is it a book... or a film?" " What pills are you taking, Gran?" " Only these, dear." "Oh, merci." " I have a theory that all English men are gay." " If only!" " I'm not English." " Aren't you?" " No, I'm Canadian." " My God, you'll admit to that as well." "Well, the midnight hour creeps closer." "Do you have any resolutions, jackie?" "I think just to resist the surgeon's knife for yet another year." "So, you two are in antiques." "You know, I don't know very much about antiques." "The only Chippendale I ever sat on had two legs." " She's eating pot-pourri." " Let her." " Jacks, crisps are here, darling." " I know, they're disgusting." " Don't you have any decent food in the house?" " No." "Apparently, Faye Dunaway had her favourite dog made into a pair of boots when it died." "That's nothing to jacks." "She had her second husband made into a cagoule when he died." "Oh, don't be ridiculous." "A cagoule?" "Who ever heard of such a thing?" "It was a small-waisted evening jacket with Chanel buttons." "As in life, he was a tight fit that never suited me very well." " Has everybody finished?" " Yes, it was wonderful." " Such food is one reason why I live in France." " Stay there." "Excuse me, I just have to go to the bathroom to touch up something." " Come on, let's go while she's in the toilet." " Eddie, Eddie!" "She's just warming up, she's doing a little pick-me-up." "Eddie, come on." "You remember that fantastic song by jacques Brel." " It was written for her." " No, it wasn't." "And if someday I should become a singer with a Spanish bum..." "Stop it!" "Stop it, you worship that woman." "Hey!" "Aaahhh!" "Someone's yacking up in the toilet upstairs." "Can you get them to stop, we can't hear the telly." "Oh, my God!" "How else do you think she stays so fantastically thin?" "It's a perfectly normal thing to do." "I mean, royalty, for God's sake, you know." "I'd do it if I still could." " Why can't she?" " She had a bypass." " A heart bypass...?" " Stomach, darling." "Have you everything you need, jacks?" "It's just that we should be on our way if we want to make a night of it." "No, darling, you go without me." "I'll stay here." "I'm just looking for some hand cream." " It is a pretty fabulous place." " Pats, I'm too tired." "But it's been very nice to see family again." "It's good to see you again, jacks." "Thanks for taking the time to drop by." "It's nice to see you too, Pats." "I like your hair." " Do you?" " Yes, it's lovely." "Well, it grew back pretty well, actually." " Kids, huh?" " Yeah." " And sisters." " Yeah." " But you were always the lucky one, Pats." " Lucky?" "Well, yes." "I know you ended up a childless spinster, but at least our mother loved you." " Did she?" " You went to live with her, didn't you?" "She sent you to school, didn't she?" "By the time I got to kindergarten I was bigger than the teacher." "But, darling, you went." "My God!" "I was ripped from her body and thrown into the Paris gutter." "She didn't give birth, she had something removed." ""Take it away and bring me another lover. " Exactly." " That was MY birth." " Darling, she only had one story." "Pats, you've done all right, you've got this friend." " You've got the life!" " Yes, but darling, listen." " You've got your friend Eddie and this house." " Yes." "I don't think Eddie likes me." "Don't worry about it, jacks." "Why should you care?" " She likes you, though." " Do you think so?" "Do you think Eddie would mind if I stayed here for a couple of months?" " What?" " I don't have anywhere to live at the moment." " Ask her for me, will you?" " But jacks, what about Paris and St Tropez?" "Darling, that was 20 years ago." "The wives got the houses, not the hookers." "I need some money and a place to live." "I've got this little scheme going with a friend in France." "Until it gets underway, I need some help." " A little scheme, a little something..." " A little refuge for stray cats and dogs." "Yeah, sure, like for cats on crack." "No, Pats, for cats and dogs." "Oh, no, no, jacks." "Not the woman who smoked opium with Chairman Mao and Che Guevara." "The little unwanted ones." "Who was there when Nureyev defected, who introduced jackie to "O"!" "Some of those little guys have only got one eye." "Who made Dylan go electric." "This woman does not run a pet hotel!" "Oh, darling, if you could only see their little faces." "Oh, no, jacks!" "No!" "Mum, why don't you come upstairs and watch TV with us?" "Because I should be having fun!" "Come on, jacks." "Remember how it used to be." "Everyone gets tired, but just have a little sniff and you'll be OK." "Darling, I just have to get the suitcase now." "Jacks, remember Brel and Serge Gainsbourg." "Those guys didn't even get out of bed till 2 a. m." "Remember, you used to say "Never conform"." " Look at my little baby." " Siamese cats?" "You used to wear those, jacks!" "You used to say "Heighten the contradictions"." "There's a whole night waiting to be lived." "If I could be for only an hour" "Cute, cute in a stupid-ass way" "Come out with us tonight." "I can get you drugs, I can get you surgeons, I can get you money." " We have our whole lives ahead of us, jacks." " Pats I'm 72." "Oh, my God, what does that make me, then?" "Eddie?" "She is still here, and so am I." "You have failed on all counts now, Pats." "This is going down as the worst New Year's Eve on record." "I am now being taken into the sitting room to watch the New Year in on telly." "That, in my book, darling, is about as low as you can go." "Sorry." "I'm sorry." "I just can't believe that you value that tight-assed, viper-tongued, thin-lipped, talking hypodermic over our friendship, darling!" "I don't, Eddie." "It's just that she's got me in this moral dilemma." " Pats." " Yes, Eddie." "You have no morals." "Still I would sing my song to me about the time they called me Jackie" "If I could be for only an hour" "If I could be for one hour every day" "If I could be for just one little hour" "A cute, cute in a stupid ass way." "And if I joined the social world Became procurer of young girls" "Then I would have my own bordellos" "My record would be number one And I'd sell records by the ton..." " See you, jacks." " Yes, see you, Pats." "Thanks for everything." "I shall be at Claridge's if you need me." "OK, babe." "Here you are." "No, no, no, darling, I don't do that any more." "Take it anyway." "Do me a favour, go out with a bang." "Look, Pats, my little darlings." "Eddie, she's gone." "We can go." " Sh, sh." " Eddie, Eddie, she's gone." "Happy New Year." "Happy New Year." "That's it, then, I'll be off." "Mum!" "Mum!" "Help, help, help!" "Stop!" "That would never have happened, darling, if this room had been a little bit bigger." "Nobody I know has cupboards like this any more." "You know..." "I need another room, really, don't I?" "What's through here?" "Serge's room." " What's through here?" " My room." " What are you thinking?" " How little space I've got in here." " Nobody I know lives in a house this small." " No." "It's so sordid, darling, to have to get dressed in THIS room." "Sleep, dress, sleep, dress." "It's so kind of 70s to have clothes draped all over the place." "Look at them here, all hanging limp in this flimsy wardrobe." "No!" "All just waiting to be worn, all cramped in there and uncared for." "Darling... battery clothes, sweetie." "I lie awake at night sometimes just thinking about those clothes standing there." "They're hassling me, darling." "Look, "Why don't you put me on, wear me!"" "Year in and year out, darling, thinking about..." "There are some clothes that are so far back they may never see the light of day again." "All just hanging there..." "like old skins." "Shed and shedded." "I am forced to sleep with these corpses." " Darl..." " Absolutely not!" "The only thing I could find." "It's all creased and..." "Stop it!" "I will not be annexed." "I need my bedroom." " What about that gorgeous attic?" " No!" " We'll get designers in." " No!" " I'll pay you." " NO!" "Darling, I want a walk-in wardrobe!" " There is Serge's room." "He's not here." " Yeah, but what if he came back?" " I thought he did come back." " No, that wasn't him." " That wasn't him, darling." " Well, who was it?" "You know those door-to-door unemployed they send round..." "Oh, yeah, fantastic." "It was one of those, darling." "Look, it was an easy mistake to make." " Anyway, he didn't fool me for long." " Long enough to get a car and a job in TV." "He's the new boy on "The Word", the one that looks like a pitbull." "And the brains to match." "It was an easy mistake to make, you hadn't seen him for six years." "Six years, six years, how dare you, darling!" "Six... years, is it, is it?" "One punishes you by leaving, the other punishes us all by staying." " It's been six years." " No one's been in that room since he left." "I have never been in it." "He never let me in." "Tried to get him when he was 13 to paint it black and scatter beanbags everywhere, but no." "Changed the locks." " You got that key, darling?" " No." "Use the shorter one." " Oh...!" " Ugh!" " Oh, God, it's a bit rank in here." " It always smelled like this." "Boys' rooms have got a sexy smell." "They smell like a ripening tuck box." "Yeah!" "Oh, look at this, my son's room, my son's room." "My son, my lovely, lovely son." "It's funny, isn't it?" "That "mother-son thing"." "It's not like you and me, darling." "It's a mother-son thing." "With a mother and a son the cord is never really cut, darling." " He's not coming back, Mum." " It may be stretched to the limit, but at any moment, when he least expects it, it will catapult him back across the ocean." "Umbililical whiplash!" "My gorgeous son, my son, my lovely, lovely son." "You're so beautiful, Mum." "All the boys at school can't believe you're my mother." "One day when I'm older, I'd like to take you out to dinner." " San Lorenzo's." " Yes." "Just you." "And I, Mother." "I'll pay." " Well, who's that?" " That's him." "I thought that was jimmy Osmond." " It won't take long to clear this lot out." " It can go in the attic." " Yeah." "What is all this, anyway?" " Dandy, Boy's Own..." "Razzle." " Razzle...?" " I never knew he..." " Razzle?" "Razzle?" "What year?" " '72." " Month?" "!" " January." " That's fine." " Let's have a look." " Disgusting!" "I think we should throw it away." " Let me just see it." ""Disgusting"!" "Oh, my God." "Oh, my Gawd." " Look at that, don't look at that." " It's so degrading to women." " What do you mean?" "She's got the whip." " Yeah." "I think we should throw this away." "Mum, those are my friends." "I'll be working downstairs, so shall I take it and throw it out?" "I can throw it out, darling." "I can throw it out, darling." " Look at that." "It's like porn, isn't it?" " It's just sex, nothing to get uptight about." "I know." "It's always made me sort of anxious." "I'm not like you." "You can just do it." "You've always been like a vessel waiting to be filled up." "I'm not like that, you know." "I can't just disconnect myself and become a sort of exploitable object of no value." "I can't do that." "It's just sex, Eddie." "I mean, you used to do it sometimes, didn't you?" " Well, yeah, in the sixties." " The sixties, yeah." " The odd flirtation with the big "O"." " Yeah, the Pill, happenings, orgies..." " Orgies?" " Oh, yeah, babe." " Was I there?" " Oh, yeah, Eddie." "Remember?" "No." " I know everyone thinks we're like..." " Specky, four-eyed swots." ""Bicycle face" is what I get." "We must make it clear that this is just a fun lecture in film, about genetics and ethics." "And hey, it would be great if you came." " Maybe we should make the title catchier." " Like?" "Oh... uhm..." "Oh, no, I nearly had one." ""Gen... etics Ethics. "" " That's just shorter, isn't it?" " Yeah." " "Gentics"?" " No, that's just stupid." ""Genetics and Ethics" is quite catchy." "Sort of says it, doesn't it?" "Darling, I've spent a fortune in my life trying to get in touch with my sexual being." "Don't you remember I spent that week celebrating my private parts?" "I've work-shopped them, painted them, drawn them." "Treated them to a three- course meal in a restaurant of their choice." "Yet we are still as strangers." "Still, I'm not entirely unhappy about that." "I'm not the sort of woman who wants to spend an afternoon squatted over a small hand mirror." "For God's sake, I've seen doctors go pale." "All you have to do is to find someone, go out with them, have a few drinks and..." "That's all right for you." "I'm not interested in any of the people I get offers from, anyway." "I'd rather die than go out with some short, grey-haired, aftershaved, Armani-spectacled 50-year-old executive with a manicure, darling." "It would be all right if it was just sort of, you know like Razzle." " It could be fixed." "We can get you a man." " How?" "Pay." " Pay?" " Yeah, everyone's doing it." " You just rent a man, do you?" " Rent two, we'll make a night of it." "We should discuss the, I was going to say "radicalisation", but that's American." ""At this moment in time"." ""To boldly be... " Eh... "To go boldly beyond what man has gone before. "" " You want a drink before we go, darling?" " Yeah, fantastic, sweetie." " Bolli?" " Cocktail." " What, Bolli Stoli?" " OK." " Next, we should discuss sex determination." " That's us!" "And imagine the nightmare scenario if parents could choose the child they wanted." " God, she doesn't see the irony." " What?" "Nothing, darling, nothing." "Actually, darling..." "Darling, sweetheart." "Hello, Mother." "Darling, darling." " When are you doing this genetethics thing?" " Tomorrow night." "Why?" "No reason." " It doesn't give us long enough." " Long enough!" " Shall I get them?" " No, I know someone who can get them." "All you have to do is decide the type of man you want." "I don't want big muscley ones, they've got small privates." " You want a tight butt." " But I'm not having a hairy back." " Would you mind going?" " Darling, I live here." "So long as I'm living in this house there's a rule:" "Don't ever embarrass me in front of my friends." "Here you are, babes." "That wasn't me, that wasn't me." " Get out!" " It was her." " We must find someone you'll never meet again." " That could be any man I've ever been out with." "I think we should just throw this away." " Where do people get those things, anyway?" " You can get them at..." "I don't know." " You off to bed, darling, are you?" " In a minute." "I think we should have a little talk, don't you?" "Have you seen this, darling?" "Nancy Friday." "It's extraordinary." "She gets complete strangers to relate their filthiest thoughts and sells them as therapy." "What are you planning for tomorrow?" " I'm not..." " I want to know!" "It's simply the extrication of myself from the burden of sexual norms, and the restoration of my own powerful and integrated sexuality." " An orgy?" " Yeah, that's the one." "Why?" "What do you mean "why"?" "Just because..." "I've got to do it sometime, darling, haven't I?" "I know you think I've lived this debauched and crazed life, but I haven't really." "Sex was, you know, never really my thing." "I always felt so guilty when I was young." "I always felt my mother was watching me." "Wherever I was, whoever I was with, I could feel her watching me." "Her retinas were my contraception in those days." "And then I just got married twice and was rarely troubled." " Well, be careful." " It'll be all right." "Pats'll be there." "Have you... have you got any things?" " No, not at the moment, no." " Well, I'll get you some tomorrow." "Thank you, darling, darling, darling." "Sweetheart... friends?" "No." "Mother and daughter." "Hello." "Hello, darling sweetie, it's Mummy." "Just checking, it's tonight, isn't it?" "Your genetithetics thing, yes, darling." "So you won't be in?" "I'll see you later." "All right, bye." "Found it, Eddie." "A little something to put us in the mood, make tonight go with a swing." " So who did you find?" " What?" " Procurer, pimp." " My hair colourist, Christopher." "You know him." " Are you mad?" " He knows everybody, and he's very discreet." "Christopher called, through the telephone." "He's coming over to discuss what kind of men you want for the orgy." "Yes, thank you very much, that'll be all." "An orgy?" "I thought you didn't do sex." "Look, I'm a free person." "I can do what I want." "Yes, true, I have chosen to be celibate for the past few months... years." ""I'm celibate. " That's what everyone says when they can't have it off, isn't it?" ""I'm fat and ugly with no chance of a pork," more like." " Shut up." " Shall I hit her, Eddie?" "Get out." "Go on, get out." " You ever been celibate, Pats?" " Celibacy leaves a lot to be desired." "Hello, darling!" "This is my other half, David." "He's tagged along." "He might just be of some use." " Hello." " So, long time no see." " You want a drink or something?" " I'll have a vodka, please." " David?" " Oh, go on, he'll have a vodka as well." "It is not as if you've got to go to work this afternoon." "He's unemployed." "I'm keeping both of us at the moment." "He could have a job, of course." " I'm not going back to that." " So who's been doing you?" "Have you been up to that Nicky Clarke, or is it that bottle?" "He started from nothing." "Oh, you, you're a whore with your hair." "I'd like to add a tone to that." "Why don't you pop in when you've got a second?" "Sure he's the right man for the job?" "Let's get down to business." "Give me that book." "We've selected a few names, but you can tell us more about what you're after." "There's Warren." "He's blond, sort of muscley." "Might be a bit short for you, though." " Is he straight?" " No, not entirely." " Not at all, from what I've heard." " I think straight is essential." "Yeah." " I didn't know if you were going the whole hog." " Yeah, every bit of the hog." "Don't want any half hogs!" "Right..." "Tony?" " Nose ring." "Who knows what else down below." " No, you don't want that." " Jeff's nice." "Not the muscle sort, he's a dancer." " More of a mover, really, not a dancer." " He trained as a dancer." " He's always been just a mover." " But at least we know he's straight." " Oh, do we?" " What does he look like?" " Gorgeous, tan..." " Bit short of money, ever so willing, very fit." " I think I'll have him." "I think we'll both have him, Eddie." " Who else have we got?" " You'll need a contrast." " Another vodka, please." " What about "Fat Adam"?" "No." "I've got it on." "Come and see what you think." " Ready?" " Yeah." " Give them some chance, Eddie." "It's a bit..." " What, too tarty?" "It could be, but not on you, no." "Is it just too blatant?" "I don't want to seem like a pushover." "You're paying him." "In his eyes, you're already flat on your back and staked out." " The thing is, it's just a bit small." " Oh." "Oh, yeah, I did get it when I thought I was going to be thinner." " Darling, did you get me those things?" " Yes, I got condoms and femidoms." " Did you open these?" " No." "They don't put fingers on these gloves any more." " Fingers are in the other packets." " Get out, get out!" "They let the... they let the water in, anyway." "Now, just relax, Eddie." "Relax, darling." " She's been watching me." " Babe, relax, relax." "We can probably still use those." "Just change your frock." "Put on something a little more sexy." "I'll bring the scissors." "Scissors, yes, scissors." "Eddie, your little delivery of delicious goods has arrived." "Well, come in." "Have a drink." "Goodness!" "Don't you look... the part." "Now, this is jeff." "He's our dancer." "And this is Hilton, drama student, top of the line, cream of the crop." "Fantastic." "Hi, Hilton!" " I really like a girl with large breasts." " You've scored there, Eddie." "Oh, thank you." "For God's sake, will you play a little butcher?" "This is my reputation on the line." " You got your stiffness spray?" " "Stallion," yes." "Well, will you please use it?" "Come over here and have a drink." "I'll leave you to it." "Is it all right if we kill a couple of minutes downstairs because Dave..." "I'm sorry." "It's the only wig I've got since the dog ate Liza Minelli." "He's got an audition in half an hour." "He's a bit nervous." " Go downstairs and wait there." " You won't know we're here." "So, Hilton, that's a pretty name..." "sit down... for a pretty face." " Have you done this before?" " First time." "Well, then you're very lucky." "You're in very experienced hands." "Has anyone ever told you you look a bit like Sean Connery?" "No." "If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?" "Shall we dance?" "I'll lead." "Go on, go on!" "So what's a guy like you doing in a place like this?" " Getting paid." " Yes." " Nice boots." " Don't touch them, they're Chanel." "Sorry, why don't you relax." "Eddie!" "Darling, I've got a little something you can sniff to break the ice." "This bit's always the hardest." "Don't worry." "It'll wear off." " It's the last time I do that for you." " I can't get to them poppers with these nails on." " Maybe you'd rather I didn't wear the corset?" " God forbid!" "Bet Lynch with a paunch." "Would someone just give me a hand down?" "Oh, thank you, Patsy dear." "You're supposed to waft it under your nose." "Just keep sucking those tissues." " All right, it's stopping now." " Don't go off the boil!" " It's just not working for me, darling." " You've nearly finished it." "Hey, Hilt!" "I hope you're not too attached to that shirt, I may have to rip it off your chest shortly." " How do you do that?" "That speak you do." " Oh, they love it." "It feels a little bit sordid." "I don't feel very turned on by it." "I don't want to touch him." "I don't even want him sitting on my furniture." " Eddie, you said..." " I know what I said, darling." "It seemed good idea under the influence of Razzle, but in reality I'm sorry." "Just sitting there with their feet on my carpet." "Drinking my drink, the skin and the hands..." "Actually, it's kicking in a bit now." "It's kicking in a bit now." "Eddie, all you need is a little mental amputation." "Now, darling, listen, you know that video I've got..." "Let's put that on and Razzle it up a bit." "Get those rags out of your nose and throw your flesh on to that man." "OK, boys, we're in for a little bit of fun here." "Here is a bacterial stem." "It contains several double-banded molecules of DNA..." " Pats?" " Eddie?" " Am I missing some kinky significance here?" " Eddie, what is this?" "This isn't it." "What is this?" "What's he trying to say?" " Applied genetics?" " What genetics?" "That's applied genetics, applied genetiethics!" " They must have..." " Oh, my God!" "Eddie, come with me!" "At first I couldn't think of anyone that I desired ...I think you'd be a very nice conker rinse." " How bad can it be, for God's sake." " Bad, Eddie!" " Where's your bitch daughter?" " At university." " Where's that?" " I don't know!" " I know, dear." " Come with us." " Who's got a car?" " I've got one." "Has she been watching me?" "Has she been watching me, darling?" "Have you been watching me, you old woman!" "Old woman!" "Hurry!" " Mind that wig!" "Stay in the car!" " I'm not staying on my own." " What's the plan, Pats?" " Change the tape, go home!" " And continue the orgy." " Yes." " It's through there, dear." " Come on!" "Look, everyone, split up!" "Split up!" "What does it matter if she sees a blue movie?" "It's about time she did." "Eddie, trust me." "Just run!" " You might just lose some flab." " What are we looking for?" "I don't know." "We're just caught up in the drama." "Run!" "This is just like "The Crystal Maze"." " What do we do now?" " I don't know." " Would this be any help, dear?" " Ah, a clue!" "Come along, Patsy, we'd better join them." "I hope you will find it informative, and I think it will give us plenty to talk about afterwards." "Yes, I'm sure it will." " It's OK, it's on." " Damn!" "No, hold it, because that's quite good." "Go on, really go for it, kid." " That's fantastic." " That's jeanie." "What ever happened to her?" " You're just about to find out." " I'm terribly sorry." " Leave it on!" "Feels great." "That's delicious." "Trust you, you missed the best bit." "Fantastic." "I'm really getting some action." "Come on, action!" "How did I ever think those curtains would go with that carpet?" "Oh, God!" " Hello, hello." " Patsy, darling." "Sit down." "I could be called to that podium at any moment." "Relax, darling." "Have a little of this Stolly for emotion." "PRs' PR." "It won't be the first award, but it's the big one." "I should sit nearer the aisle." "Swap, swap." "Oh, God!" "So, who else is here?" "I sent Bubble out with her ear to the ground and a pad." "I want a celebrity count." " No one to worry about but Elizabeth Hurley." " Obviously." "I got a whiff of Tanya Bryer, but she's practically in the foyer." " And there is a possibility of Isabella Rossellini." " No!" "Damn." "Damn!" "Dolce and Gabanna use her now." "I don't know why." " No, she's far too old." " Far too old." " This is the happening table." " Yes, darling." "Naomi is it!" " Right." "Good." "Hello." " This wasn't easy, you know." "This is the flash-camera situation." " Hello, hello, hello." " Thank you." "Patsy Stone, 39, international beauty and style guru." "Edina Monsoon." "Where is Lulu?" "She's supposed to be here." "I wanted Naomi and Lulu." "I wanted a pot-pourri of A-list visibles, you know." "Claudia Bing, of Bing, Bing, Bing and Bing PR." " Do you want a drink?" " I'm fine, thanks." "She's very difficult." "There's Claudia Bing." "Hello, Claudia!" " Who's at her table?" " Nobodies." "I know." "But a lot of nobodies." "Many nobodies." "What Channel Tunnel need is a derailment or a small bomb or a suicide." "I can't get any more coverage." ""Train going through hole" is dull, dull, dull." "I need you to mingle with your pad." "Pick up the buzz." "I need to know who's got who, what, when and in what capacity." "Next week's very busy." "I'm launching Erica jong's new book:" ""Sex With Myself" " Sticky Fingers"." "Bill's thrilled, he loves huge openings." "He's a very good friend of mine." "I've met him." "I've got to go through my acceptance speech, darling." " Did you write it, Eddie?" " No, Will Self did it." "He's very good." "Go and talk to Naomi, she's looking bored." "Talk to her!" "Hello." "You all right?" "Bubble?" "Where's Bubble?" "Bubble!" " What have you got?" "What's the buzz?" " Two bottles of champagne on table six." "A cigar for the man on table four." "And sticky toffee pudding for tables seven and eight." "I need names, places, concepts, happenings." "Network!" "Get the buzz!" "Naomi, Patsy Stone." "I think you're fabulous and worth every penny you get." "You are one in a million and, darling, I should know, you know." "I wish you could see the tragic cases that parade through my magazine." " "Daily Mail," love." "Is that one of Vivien's?" " No, it's my own." "I just have to tell these tragic little wannabies:" ""Just stick your fingers down your throat, hack off your tits," ""and don't come back until you're looking like something!"" "Yeah, I remember you." "And sticky toffee pudding on table six." "Go out again." "I need more." "I see Alexander over there." "The press was very mean to him, but it didn't do him any harm." "He just sells the same clothes, but with the word "crap" printed on them." ""Crap jacket," "crap shirt. " He can't keep up with the demand for crap." " There's Naomi!" " Yes, don't rub it in." "The other interesting thing I was about to say I'm just launching a campaign on "Tested for animals"." "It's cosmetics using human blubber!" " The whales use us as a moisturiser." " Yes." "Whales use us." " We should get Naomi to front it." " I've already thought of that!" "I'll just check." "Hello!" " Did you come here last Tuesday?" " Yes, it was fabulous." " What did you think of the film?" " I just went for the party." " So I did that party, you see." " It was quite good." "I've never thought japanese finger food sat well in the Atlantic." "Bubble!" "Walk the steps to the podium." "See how many steps there are." "Squeak, walk the steps." "You can't sit there!" "That's Lulu." " She's not here." " She's very small!" "Hi!" "I think we met at Helena's eyelash launch." "Claudia Bing." " Did we?" " I'm organising a liposuction night." "Got a lot of actresses interested." "Jane Seymour's sucking out her own." " I don't need any." " We don't want fat people." "A real turn-off." "Also, have you heard of Ozone Eco Scent?" " Look at that hair!" "What is that?" " Some gel scraped through the split ends." " I know!" "That's not a hairstyle." " No." "It's a cover-up." "I promise we won't take up any more of your time than we can." "It'll be fun!" "She's being very difficult." "You do the cigar, and I'll deal with the toffee pudding." "Are you OK?" "You're not drinking that water, are you?" "Drink this water." "Me and this water." "This water!" " Where are you going?" " I need a waz." "Me and this water!" "Me and Naomi." "We're talking about natural thinking." "So if you come to that next week..." "Yes, I will!" "I found it fascinating." "I always thought psychology was, well, not very interesting." "But you make it..." "Anyway..." "I hope I didn't drag you out of your way to bring me home." "Completely." "It was just great to find somebody interested." "Most of the students are thinking wheelbarrows." "If you remember the analogy I used." "Whereas you have the potential to be a thinking limousine!" "I don't know about that!" "A real Rolls Royce brain." " You don't live here on your own?" " My mother is out for the evening, luckily." "Well..." "I'd better be going." "Would you like a tea or coffee or something?" " Well..." "What've you got?" " Oh!" "Everything!" "Pats!" "What took you so long?" "Where have you been?" " I ran into little jason Donovan." " Oh, my God!" " Is he still standing?" " Gorgeous!" "And now, the award for multimedia networking technique..." " No, this isn't mine!" " To be presented by Lulu." "Lulu!" "She's with me!" " Who is it?" " It's Lulu." "She must have got back from Germany." "She's been on tour." "Thank you." "I'm literally off the plane from Australia." " My new single is out next week." " Why she telling us this?" "The winner is..." "Mike Steward!" "Well done!" "Lulu!" "Sing "Shout"!" "Oh, damn!" "She's gone." " Naomi, can I sit here?" "It's closer for me." " No, I'm presenting it." "The PRs' PR Award is going to be presented by Naomi Campbell." "That's you!" " Relax, Eddie." "It's a good buzz." " Is it a big buzz?" "A huge buzz!" "Move the table closer." "Pick and lift!" "And the winner... if I can open this envelope..." "of the PRs' PR Award is:" "Claudia Ping!" "I accept this totally." "I have a great team who'll all be thrilled." "Thank you." "I know this award is chiefly due to the success of my Stop Dumping campaign." ""Stop dumping and make the world a better place. "" "Tonight the world couldn't smell sweeter." "I'm thrilled!" " Pats." " It was the wrong buzz." "We're going!" "We're not staying here." "Come on, darling." "Bye!" "It frightens me!" " I mean, how did that bitch win?" "!" " She probably bribed the judges." "I chose those judges!" "Come on." "I'm going home!" ""Stop dumping"!" "I thought of that." "It's getting late." "Don't get me on to logic bubbles." "I'll be here all night." "Would you like another tea?" "Raspberry?" " What was that I had before this one?" " One of Mum's." " And before that?" " The fennel." "OK." "I'll try the raspberry." " I'm not keeping you up, am I?" " No." "I was just thinking it's so true what you were saying about critical thinking." "The western disease." " You have an eyelash." " Have I?" "Where?" "On your cheek." "I can't see it." " Which cheek?" " Shall I?" "Yes, please." "Thank you." " Here." " Thank you." " Being cuticle..." " Cuticle?" "Sorry." "I mean critical destruction." "Yes, one hypothesis doesn't necessarily make a better one." " How's the raspberry?" " Lovely." " Are you all right?" " I don't think I can manage the passion fruit." " Oh?" " Look, I..." " I should be going." " Oh!" "What is the point of winning if it's not popular?" " Nobody likes her." " Everyone I know hates her!" "It's just that she's not a woman's woman, you know." "She's not a man's woman, she's not a woman." " Whereas we, you see..." " We are anybody's." "They are imports." "They are not important!" " Of course they're not, darling." " I don't know what is happening." "Of course they're not, darling." " I think I should go." " This is somebody's subjective view!" " Just because they're..." " I know where the door is." "...jealous, because I'm unconventional and successful." "Of course they are, babe." " Oh, God!" "I piss better ideas than Claudia Bing." " You do!" " You're back early, Mum." " Don't ask how it went, darling." "It was a monumental bloody cock-up of global proportions!" " I take it you didn't win." " That award had your name on it." "Of course it did." "I bought it, I sponsored it." "It is the Edina Monsoon PRs' PR Award." " Then why did you open it up to competition?" " Because I am a fool." " No!" "Because the bitch cheated." " The bitch cheated!" "What did she do?" "Some work?" " Shall I hit her for you, Eddie?" " No, muzzle yourself." "I'm sorry, Mum, but I've never seen what you actually do." "PR!" " Yes, but..." " PR!" "I PR things!" "People." "Places." "Concepts." " Lulu!" " Lulu!" "I PR them!" "I am, and if you've heard of me, I have PR." "I make the fabulous, I make the crap into credible." " I make the dull into..." "... delicious." "PR, darling, yet they would honour some pea-brained hypocritical woman!" "Well, you all sound the same." "And awards don't matter." "Thank you, darling." "They don't, do they?" " Awards, Pats, don't matter." " We've been here before." "I just, you know..." "I just want one!" "I just want one, darling." "I need one." "My career is on the road to failure." "I just need one." "It's the only thing that seems to mean anything." "I need it now, before the menopause drags me into her gaping jaws." "Before my creative hormonal oil-well dribbles to a halt." "Before my bottom becomes a patchwork quilt of monkey glands, darling." "The menopause can be a very exhilarating and positive time for a woman." "And the curse is a blessing and childbirth is painless!" "No!" "Unless that gaping hole on my mantelpiece is filled pretty soon," "I might as well just lick this light switch and do us all a favour." "Aha!" "Aha!" "Who was that man?" "What?" "Who, who, who?" "This man here!" "I came down the stairs, there was a man." "Who?" "Just my psychology lecturer." " Psychology lecturer?" " He just dropped me home." "Oh, yeah!" "Look at you." "I thought you were acting a little weird." " Mum, I am not acting weird." " Obviously not acting." "If you'd shown any talent in that direction, I'd have sent you to stage school, darling." "With any luck, Roman Polanski would be interested." "She was never young enough for him." "And then we'd never have heard the word uni-bloody-versity." " I'm off to sleep on what's left of my career." " What's new?" "What is new, darling, is that if I don't come up with an idea soon, you can say goodbye to uni-bloody-versity, to this sink, to this house, to you, old Smugs." "Some of us have to work for a living, we can't all be liggers." "Not you, not you." " Morning, Saffy." " Morning." "Ready for breakfast." "Now, what do I need?" "Brainfood." "Vegetable juice and prune juice, that should get something moving." "Something big is going to happen today." "It's going to be a fabulous day!" " Are you here today?" " I've got to nip into the shop and on to the office for a brainstorm." " I didn't know you still had the shop." " Yes, but the supply has dropped off." "India's had it, been there." "Africa's dried up completely." "It's ridiculous." "Thank God for Grozny!" "If it wasn't for that lovely Russian army advancing, flushing out those gorgeous heirlooms in my direction, I don't know what I'd do." "In the shop I've got this fabulous little samovar with an old woman still attached to it!" "Gripping on for dear life." "I had to lure her off with dry breadcrumbs so I could get a decent price." " Mum." " Shush!" "Oh, God!" "It tastes foul, so it must be doing me some good." "Oh, actually, no!" "Yes, it's working." "I can feel myself thinking better." "Think, think, think." "Strap on the crampons and steer to the summit of my career, darling." "I'm off." "Mum?" "Change." "What?" "Oh!" "What's that?" "Oh, my God!" "It's my Westwood bum-bag." "Get it off!" "Take it off!" " Much longer, Tony?" " I think I'm ready to try something." "Before lunch?" "Let's not rush it, Tony." "We've got two days." "I'm trying to spend some money." " Why not shoot on motion-control cameras?" " Is that expensive?" "Do it." " What do you want me to do?" " Did your car pick you up on time?" "I have to check." "You got flowers last night?" "And were they lovely?" " Yes." " And have you been offered everything?" "You know the product, Ozone the Eco Scent." "This is just a dummy." "In this promotion, you're an insert." "And you say something like:" ""I plugged my hole with Ozone." ""I want to plug your smell-hole"." "Pierce and Colin are doing a rewrite." "Pierce and Colin are the creative team responsible for MILK and BEEF." " How long will this take?" " Sit tight." "Have a coffee." " Tony wants an emotional-controlled camera." " Two!" "Did you get into that global database today?" "And?" "I've got a meeting with a computer database tonight." " What?" " He'll be wearing a red rose in his buttonhole." "And if compatibility strikes, who knows?" "Wedding bells are not out of the question." "And there's a questionnaire." "I put you down as casual, sporty, with no pets." " Hello!" "Can I assist?" " I just popped by to say congratulations." " Is Naomi here?" " Yes, but she is behaving very badly." " What's that?" " Lacroix watch." "Didn't he send you one?" "Tony's got a problem!" "Hi, Naomi." "It's Eddie Monsoon." "I'm starting a global integrated tele-satellite projection system." "The whole world is our screen." "Imagine:" "Your face on the Gobi desert." "I just need you." " Have you seen a menu?" " Yes." "Just the idea of you is enough." "Thank you." "Say yes." "That's lovely." " Will we see you tomorrow?" " Well, I'm launching something huge." "I just can't bear the idea that one day some inexperienced, clumsy, spotty youth will get his hands on something so precious." "I would love to gently open that flower." "Hello, Gerard!" "How's your wife?" "And how's the new house, dear?" "We miss you up our end, you know." "But I did see your sister the other day." "On that Saga tour of Sizewell B." "It was very good, dear." "They allowed us to push the buttons." "Is he getting fresh with you?" "Oh, dear!" "If you take my advice, Gerard, you'll play it cool." "There's nothing so unattractive as a frisky old person." "I know." "I've seen "Cocoon"." " Where's Eddie?" " Isn't she with you, dear?" "I was beginning to think you were attached at the hip." "Try Patsy." "She's more your type." " I've been trying to explain." " A drink, Patsy?" "What?" " Don't do this." " Just get out!" "I'm home!" "Idea - had, career - saved." "Crack open the Bolly." "Fabulous, Eddie!" "Well done, well done!" "It's a fabulous idea." "I'll present it at the industry do tomorrow." "Will you come?" " Yes." "Free lunch, I'll come." " Mum?" "Shush." "I'm just going to absorb my lovely launch speech." " Mum, I need to speak to you about Gerard." " Shush, I'm meditating." " Mum, he is bothering me." " Is he mad?" " No, he's married!" " With four boys, dear." "I think I left my briefcase." "Go on!" "Stop bothering my daughter, all right?" " Cheers, Eddie!" " Yeah, well..." " Thanks, Mum!" " Too many people here already." "Don't look so confident." "You're next, you know." "Yes, you!" "And with my friends at BMBB and their friends at BMDD, we have worked out the importance of brand identity, more so than many of our rivals." "Testing, testing." "...which was once perceived as no more than misshapen blobs of sweet additives, but with new packaging, is now produced as a trendy confectionery, the profits of which for the next three months will go to the Africa Baby Fund." ""Is it a gimmick?" I hear my colleagues cry." "No." "It would only be a gimmick if it was for two months." "In conclusion, I would like to say:" "Why change the world when all you need is to change people's perception of it?" "Where is my speech?" "Where is that waiter?" "The waiter had my speech." "Where is the waiter that had my speech?" "It was here a minute ago." "It was here!" "Hi, hello." "Where is it?" "It was just here." "Why are we waiting?" "!" " Come on, let's just go!" " I can't just go." "I was going to make a..." "Testing, testing." "I was going to make a speech." "But I can't be bothered any more!" "You know, this used to be like fun, you know." "I'm even bored with the fun bits now." "These bloody lunches and launches, you know, and some no-career celebrities and party desperados." "What for?" "It's all column inches in some crap tabs and mags." "There has to be a little bit more than that, doesn't there?" "I had a speech about projected integrated global telly network system, bloody system." "But if that's what the world is coming to, I don't want to be in it." "I don't want to be in some sort of cyber-space, hyper-virtual bloody reality, exchanging e-mail with some old-aged bloody hippies with too much information." "What kind of reality is that?" "With a 13-amp plug on the end of it." "That can be unplugged like that." "Let's go." "No, I'm not going yet." "You!" "Yeah, you sit there" "Velcroed to some bloody ad-man over there!" "You know, those kings of bastardisation who just taken anything that was ever real and genuine and honest, and attached it to a toilet-cleaner!" "Whereas I, yeah I, like a bird on the wire." "Like a drunk in a midnight choir." "I have tried, yeah, in my way, to be free." "Like a bird on the wire..." " Go for it, Eddie." " Like a drunk in..." "I've tried in my way... to be free..." "Yeah, you can laugh, but I don't want more choice." "I just want nicer things." "And you, take that look off your face." "Sitting there with your whales and your cancer and AIDS and starvation." "Skimming the profit off the whole of human misery." "Labelling us all with this global guilt." "It may not all be great, but it ain't that bad, you know." "Come on, world, cheer up." "It may never bloody happen!" "We're going." "Come on, darling." "Where is my speech?" "The waiter took it." "It would have been there at the table." "Wait, he's in the kitchen." "Let's go to the kitchen!" " Good speech, Eddie." " They're a bunch of bastards, aren't they?" "Where are we going, Eddie?" "If it was cleared away by the waiter, it'll be here somewhere." "Eddie!" "Eddie?" "!" "Hello?" "Hello, sweetie." "Huh?" "Really?" "Yes." "Well, darling, I knew that would happen." "That's fabulous." "Tell her I'll be right there, darling." "Hang on." "Oi!" "Boatie." "Where are we going?" "Landfill?" "Landfill." "Ostende?" "Darling, it's landfill in Ostende." "Get me a cab for Ostende." "See you later." "Hello, darling." "Well done, Mum." "I heard about your speech." "I'm very proud of you." " Thank you, sweetheart." " "Cheer up, it may never happen. "" "I know." "It's fabulous, isn't it?" ""Cheer up, it may never happen. "" "Got me the Prozac campaign." "Listen, where is Bubble?" "Bubble?" "Yes, we're launching it this week." "I want huge billboards." "Depressed?" "Don't be!" "Unhappiness is an unnatural state." "Especially round council estates and hospitals, darling." "Before the lunch." "All right?" "Coming into the office, don't panic." "Come on, darling." "There's a sniff of joan Collins around Harvey Nicks." "There's this fantastic shop down there." "We'll go there first." "Morning, Saffron." "Instructions." "Damn!" "Let's turn now to the mechanism of protein synthesis." "What is this called?" "Translation." "Because the four-letter alphabet of... nucleic acids is translated into the..." "Get out!" "A protein is synthesised in the amino oxil direction by..." "It's next to the sink under the surface." "It's labeled." "Did I tell you we're amalgamating with a big PR company in America?" "PRM." "Yes, the big time, darling." "It should be enough to bring Lulu back into the fold anyway." "I'm getting all the majors from the States, darling." "Planet Hollywood, AIDS, big AIDS conventions - Elizabeth Taylor AIDS conventions, darling!" "We're talking of three-lunch days." "Goodbye, Tanya Bryer, and "Hello"..." "Sweetie?" "Sweetie!" "Swee..." " Damn, damn, bugger, bollocks!" " Good morning, Eddie." "Oh, morning, darling." " Did you sleep all right?" " Eventually..." "You know, after a few hours..." " Not in Saffy's bed!" " My bed." "Oh, God..." "Who was it anyway?" "It was just a male model." "Square head and Calvin Klein underpants moulded to him." " Wanted to show me his portfolio." " How was it?" "Fantastic." " Do you want a cup of coffee?" " That would be nice." " Eddie, where did I leave my keys?" " I've told you." "You always leave them around." "When you come in the house, put them in the bowl." "I put them in your bag for you." "Ed, this is like the old days." "You and me just talking to each other in your kitchen." "Without old Mrs Grundy." "Yeah, it's great." "I can just do whatever I want now, you know." "I'm sort of a free, liberated woman, with a career that's going fabulously." "Well, I can just do whatever I want." "What should we do, darling?" " I've got to go and see Magda." " Hmm?" "Then I'll go to the office and sort out the deal." "I'll take the car, shall I?" "And send him back for you." " Yeah, all right." " By the way, you're out of mixers." " OK." " See you later." "Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah..." "You'll forget your head one day." " Have a nice day at the office." " Thank you..." "That is not going to happen." "No, no, no, no, no..." "Anyway, how come she always gets to be the man?" "Talking to yourself, dear?" "That's the first sign of madness, you know." "Really?" "I thought it was talking to you." "What do you want?" "Huh?" "I just popped by to use your oven to bake the cakes for the shop." " What?" "The old miseries' charity shop?" " That's right, dear." "With a moth-eaten felt hat, a chipped cup and a couple of dead batteries passing as a window display?" "We don't put anything people might want to buy in the window or we'd have to keep replacing it." "You're all out of cocoa and I promised Mr Potter a chocolate cake." " This is all my stuff you use, is it?" " What, dear?" "All this wheat powder..." "What's this?" " Flour, dear." " Flour, yes." "All this is mine, is it?" "I mean, I am now paying for old people to eat cake." "Saffy said you wouldn't mind, dear." "Where is she?" " She left home." "You knew that." " Yes, of course." "Oh..." "Oh, yes!" " Is old Patsy coming back?" " No." "Well, there's a thing." "You and me alone at last." "I see." "When was the last time?" "Actually, dear, I think it's a first." "Don't feel you have to say anything to mark the occasion." " No." "It's probably better if I go." " Yeah, yeah." "Off you go." "I'll come back later and finish this when there's somebody here." "Actually, dear, there is one thing I've always wanted to say." " It doesn't matter." " I promised your father I would." " Look, I don't want some scene, OK?" " This is very difficult for me, dear." "Don't bother, then." "I'm sure I'll survive." "Edwina, dear, do you remember your first pair of platform shoes?" " What, the ones you saw Patsy steal?" "Yeah." " Yes, dear." "Patsy didn't steal them." "Your father and I took them on a camping trip to the Rhineland to bang the tent pegs in with." " I should have told you earlier." " Just go." "Just go." "I told you when you bought them they were very shoddily made." " Leave now!" " They absolutely fell to bits." " We had to invest in a mallet after all." " Just leave." "Go on." " What did you say your name were again?" " Lulu." "Oh, like Sting?" " What is it you do?" " I'm a singer." "Look, I'm her number one client." "Huh!" "She tells everyone that." "Don't tell her I said that though, will you?" "Trade secret." "I'm thinking of getting someone else to do my PR." "But don't tell her - trade secret." "It wasn't me, I hope." "I am hopeless with faces, names and people." "Funny about you being called Lulu, though." "'Cause there were that one, weren't there..." "I'm just a jack in the Box." "You're not never..." "la... jump up and down on a string..." " That was not me." " Give us one of yours, then." " No." " Go on." "Don't be shy." " I bet you've got a lovely voice when you try." " OK." " When..." " Eek!" "Stop, stop!" "That can't be you." "She'd be really, really old now." " That's me." " Well, you look too young." "Just kidding." "Got to say that, don't ya?" "I'm here." "Don't panic." "Hello, Lulu, darling." "Hello." "Has Bubble filled you in on our big news?" " I'm just here as a formality..." " Coffee?" "Champagne?" "Did she tell you, darling, we've joined forces with PRM in New York?" " PRM...?" " Has Whitney Houston rung, darling?" "Rung?" "HAS she rung?" "Whitney Houston." "Go and see if she's rung." "Whitney Houston and de Niro." " What?" "See if he's rung?" " Whitney and de Niro." "Just go and see." " Rung?" "!" " Go on!" "Go on!" " You did say PRM?" " Yeah, PRM." "Yah." "Darling, I've been rushed off my feet." "Bands, book launches, Ralph Lauren, Calvin Klein," "Donna Karan, Hollywood Bowl, Wembley Arena..." "It's been names, names, names..." "Neil Sedaka..." "So..." "No, no, nothing, nothing..." "I'll have that champagne you offered." " Glass of champagne!" " Sparkle." "Bottle of champagne for Lulu." " Will that be all right, dear?" " Yeuch!" "I'll give you a month." "God, it's been push, push, push for that woman since The Boat That I Row." " They haven't rung." " Oh, God." " But that woman with PMT..." " PRM!" "PRM!" "...phoned to say that she'd fixed a meeting for you with..." " Come on." " Bear with me." " Yeah." " She had a really strange accent!" " I could barely understand her." " Who?" "Whoo!" "And that other woman..." "Very, very high voice..." ""Helloo!" "Helloo!" "How are you, sweetheart?" "I've just won the Grand National. "" "Elizabeth Taylor!" " Wants to have lunch next week." " Lunch, lunch..." "My God, I have to change!" "There was something, something, something..." "Blah, blah, blah, blah..." "What?" "What?" "What...?" "A fax?" "A fax?" "My God. "Strategy meeting with clients and accountants." "Urgent press release..." ""Campaign advertising, budget outlines needed. " Oh!" " Crikey!" " Yeah." " It's the big time for us." " Great!" " I'm gonna have to sack you." "OK?" " Right." "I shall endeavour to transcribe it onto my pad, photocopy it and file it for future reference." "Hello, hello..." "Hello!" "Hello, hello, how are you?" "All right?" "Yeah, fine, thanks." "You having a nice time at your bloody university?" "Are you, sweetie?" "Are you having a nice time at university?" "Shout!" "Shout!" "This probably won't bloody light now." "Oh..." "Oh...!" " Oh...!" " Hello, Eddie." "Got Magda, Fleur and Catriona back." "We're having a little drink." "How're you doing?" "I can't stay much longer." "I got... well, bugger all to do till next week, actually." " Take a holiday, darling." "South of France." " No, I don't do holidays." "Everybody's a nobody in a bikini." "I bumped into Anna Wintour once when I was wearing a G-string." "I felt me power base slipping." "Really?" "How can you take a holiday?" "Do you have a guest editor this month?" "The magazine's folded." "We just had our final meeting." "We cleared out." " Oh...?" " What?" " You missed that bit." "You were in the loo." " Closed?" " Yes." " Yeah." " Yes, that's what we all thought." " What are you going to do, darling?" "Huh?" "The usual routine." "Hang around a couple of weeks until someone opens another one." "Or see who's looking a bit fragile in the competition and move in." "I can tell you some of them will be shaking on their mastheads knowing I'm on the loose." " Yeah, 'course they will." " I was going to say..." " What?" " What?" "Sorry, I thought I knew what you were going to say then, but I don't." "I was going to say it's a pity, really." "We had a meeting with Paloma Perfumes with a view to getting some free perfume." " Yes." "It's a shame." "It took months to set up." "Whatsit, can I use your phone?" "I'm expecting a call from New York and I don't want to clog up me mobile." " New York...?" " What ARE you going to do?" " I've got a friend with a lovely job, so maybe..." " Don't be stupid." "Armani, my arse!" "I don't come as a package." " I sacked Bubble." "Why don't you have her job?" " There you are." "No, no, no." "I don't even get out of bed and piss for that kind of money." "And as for me, well... self-confidence and fun are my words du jour." "I shall have to fall back on my Revlon connections." "After all, I've got an awful lot of..." " Make-up?" " Yes." "What do you mean bad circulation?" "It needs triple bypass surgery, but all right." "Right, I'm off." "They just made me Editor of HQ Magazine in New York." " Oh, congratulations!" " Yeah, don't push it." "Got a non-smoking brunch with Marlboro Lites and a designer douche launch to get to by 10:00 tomorrow morning." "I said, "It's a shame it's closed, but it was a crap mag"." "Thanks for the drink." "Patsy, a word!" " Oh!" " Oh!" " HQ Magazine." "Tina's moved on again." " Well, I must be off." "If you want that job, just go into the office 'cause I've sacked Bubble." "Right..." " Yeah." " Oh." "Revlon, here I come." ""Excuse me, madam, would you like to try Revlon's new Refraichement spray?"" "Psst!" "Psst!" "Psst!" "Pats?" "Pats...?" "What, darling?" "You don't have to do that in here any more." "Yeah, it's great, isn't it?" "No bitch daughter..." "I'll smoke this anyway now we're here." "You know?" "What did Magda want?" "Oh, she wants to take me to HQ with her." "You know, familiar face and all that." "Right..." "I mean, you could be looking at the new Grace Coddington here. "Fash Ed." "Supreme. "" " It would be major league, mean major..." "... discounts, yeah!" "It'd be great, wouldn't it?" "I'd see you in New York, you know, PRM." "And there'd be you, the new julie Covington." "Me, just the "fantastic"." " Yeah." " I'll drink to that." " Cheers to us." " Here's to our fantastic, beautiful lives." "Yeah, cheers!" " What do you see when you look in the mirror?" " Me looking fabulous." "What do you see?" "Yeah, just the room." " I can't do it, Eddie!" " Well, well, well, what, well, huh?" "Why can't everything just stay still?" "I mean, like, what's suddenly happened?" "It's like everything I ever wanted, but all I want to do is throw up." "You don't want to throw up!" "You don't want to do that!" "You just want a little drink." "A little, little drink and a cigarette." "That's it." "There, there." "I mean, you just stand up and put your neck on the line and they chop it off." "You put your head up over the parapet and they kick away the stool." " No, they won't, darling." " They will, they will." "They've done it before." " You're not still thinking about that, are you?" " It frightens me, Eddie." " What, still?" " Yeah, I think it is my only memory." "Well, fantastic!" "I know you came here as a temporary secretary, and it took a lot of courage to do what you've just done, but... you're on "Candid Camera"." "Now, you'll meet a few more friends..." "The Rolling Stones themselves." "Come on in, boys." "And all your other little friends." "I don't even think it went out." "I don't think anyone saw it anyway." "Bastards!" "Bastard!" "You don't know what that did to me, Eddie." "Didn't seem to affect you at all." "It wasn't my song, was it?" "I mean..." " You played on it." " It was just a bit of fun." "Anyway, darling, you don't have to do anything." "You don't have to do anything!" "Just stay here." "You don't have to do anything." " I don't want to be just nothing." " You're not just nothing." "I know I'm not just nothing." "I mean, I'm not just born and died." "I'm not just nothing, but I'm..." " I'm not out there!" " Where?" "Where?" "I just want people to be scared of me." "I want them to think, "Patsy", you know, "great"." " And I can't because I'm too, too..." " No, you're not." "No, no, darling." " You're not that old." " I'm too..." "No, I'm not too old!" "I know I'm not too old." "It's just that I'm too scared." "Why?" "It's just old age." "I mean, you know, the older you get, the more frightening life is." "It should be the other way around, but it ain't." "Bloody old people." "I don't want to be THEM." "Darling, do you remember when you could just get up in the morning and feel fabulous?" " Without pills." " Yeah." "Yeah, like every day it was just like you were Henry Winkler walking into "Happy Days"." ""Hello!" "Hello!" "I know what I'm doing. "" " "This is mine." "People love me... " - "Yeah, and they know who I am. "" "Applause!" "Like some bloody old person who can't even bloody cross the road at a penguin crossing." "They're shouting, "Walk, walk... "" " Yes, darling, Pats..." "Pats..." "Pats..." " Yeah." "You know, like..." "when you're in a room or something and you think someone's staring at you in the room." "On a plane or anywhere." "And you're sort of doing things 'cause you think someone's looking at you..." " You know?" " On a plane?" "Well, anywhere..." "And then you look at them, and they're just sort of asleep." "But their head is flopped in your direction, you know." "I don't want that to happen." "I don't want that to be my life, the whole world asleep." "Huh?" " Eddie, Eddie, this is very important." " Yeah?" "Don't ever make me a cup of tea." " No, no..." " No, I mean don't EVER make me a cup of tea." "No, I won't, darling." "I won't." "Won't." " What?" "What?" " No, I've forgotten the word now." " No, what?" " What is that word on your grave marker?" " The words on your grave." "What is that?" " On your "epitomb"." " Your "epitomb"." " Yeah." " What do you want on your "epitomb"?" " I want: "She was fantastic." ""Patsy was here"." "Darling, you can just have "Patsy's Stone"." " Eddie, oh, Eddie, Eddie..." " Yeah." " Eddie..." " Yeah, yeah." ""Eddie, still no thinner. "" "Yeah, these are great." "These are really funny." "We could sell these." "Sell them?" "Darling, darling..." "For the bitch daughter... you could put..." " What?" " "The mingiest... "" " No, no!" "Don't say bitch." "Don't say the bitch." " "Mingiest... "" ""Mingiest... "" " Coping all right?" " I need a waz." "Not here, not here, darling." "Go upstairs." "Use the upstairs wazza." "You're home?" "What a pleasure!" "I'm not arguing with you when you're stoned." " Are you staying?" " Just tonight." "We can talk tomorrow." " Better change the sheets." " I've done it." "One of the sheets was crawling out on its own accord in seach of an ovum." "Darling!" "Why don't you come home, sweetie." "Huh?" "Huh?" "Mum, what's the problem?" "I have my life and you have yours." "This is what you wanted." "It's just I feel orphaned, you know." " What's the matter?" "The deal fallen through?" " Not the deal." "Not that." " Just..." " What?" "Darling, you've sort of abandoned me in this sort of wilderness of potential greatness and fabulousness." "Haven't you?" "You know, my walls have gone flop-flop-flop-flop..." "I'm like this kind of prisoner..." "this released prisoner, darling." "Walking out into the squinting sun." " A hissing of summer lawns..." " Yeah." " You've cast me adrift with no oars." " You've got oars!" " I haven't!" " You have!" "You're too lazy and fat to use them." "You filth!" "I, darling, am a fighter." " Yeah!" " You're hyperactive and disorganised." "That's all." "You get what you want by shouting loud enough." "Bitch trog!" "Yeah, well..." "Yeah, well." "You know, I don't want all these things you think I want." ""Success and the deal. " I don't want this..." "I don't want this house." " You do!" " I'm coming home at weekends." "Yes..." "That would be all right for you, coming home weekends." "What? "Edina Hotel"?" "Huh?" "That would be very convenient for you, wouldn't it?" "Your mother's doing all right." "Everything is labeled." "Her career's going fabulously." "Coming home at weekends." "It's not that simple, darling." "You know, just weekends." "It's a little bit more difficult than just come home weekends." "Huh?" "I mean, you know..." "I need to find myself." "'Cause, sweetie, "I've been to paradise, but I've never been to me"." "Yeah." "That is, kind of see who's in there. "Who me be?"" "For God's sake, Mum." "Every year for as long as I can remember you've gone in search of yourself." "You've done everything from wobble naked round standing stones near Bristol to circus skills in a tent on Clapham Common." "All part of a journey." "You bought tickets and got hit in the face with a plank twice a day." "My knees froze." "I couldn't duck, you know." "There isn't a course that can help you find yourself." "There isn't a course in redemption." "You'd be better off giving all your money to charity." "Well, I already pay for old people to eat cake." "Just start living your life and stop trying to find yourself fascinating." " I am fascinating!" " You cannot become a better person" " through massage." " You piece of filth!" "I mean... you feel like that, do you?" "You feel like that, huh?" "You feel like that?" "Well, maybe I should just... yeah... yeah..." "Maybe I should just go and, you know..." "live with people who understand me." "What?" "And sell the house?" " Yeah, I might." "Yeah, I will." "Yeah." " Good luck, then." "I hope you do go away and find yourself." "Then do us all a favour and get lost!" " Sweetheart." " Oh, leave her, Eddie." "You didn't really mean it." " No, I did." "I did." " No, you didn't." "This is great." " This is just like the old days." " Huh?" "Me and your lovely Bolly." "Me and your lovely ciggies." "Me and your lovely home." "Me and your lovely life." " Yes, just like the old days, isn't it?" " It's great." "Well, maybe I just don't want that any more, you know." "Huh?" "I mean, maybe I... me... meant to be somebody somewhere, you know!" "Maybe I should go away." "Yeah." " Away?" " Yeah, I'll find it, darling." " Well, for how long?" " Well, for ever." "You'll be all right, won't you, Pats?" "You'll be all right." "You'll be all right." "You'll be all right." "You'll be all right..." "Yeah, I'll be all right." " I'll go to New York." " Yeah?" "I don't need you, Eddie." "You've always been just "pfft"... you know." "I'm gonna be a bloody great success." " All right." " Yeah, all right!" " Well, I'll see you, then, huh?" " Don't count on it, babe." "Oh, God!" "TV We're looking now at J10738, the ladies' diamond-cut, rope-effect hoop earrings." "That's J10738." "£18.99p." "RINGING" "Shh..." "Hi, I'm Ben." "Throughout the week, I'll be showing you courses of enlightenment through pebbleworking, sandplay, mask-making and cosmo drama." "Sorry I'm late." "Just a bit of..." "trouble with the form." "The Talking Stick is not with you!" "All right." "I was just going to say that they tried to charge me the weekly rate, and as I'm going to be here forever, I should get a discount." "That's all." "Shall we light up?" "Let us start the "Om"." " Omm..." " ALL Omm..." "And so we begin our quest to find our inner selves, to delve into our inner consciousness." "We must look into the inner, inner soul." "You must not have a bad feeling for you." "You must eradicate all bad feelings and come togayther." "Ben is now channelling Maria Sanchez a Puerto Rican Aztec slave girl." "Go-go-go-go-go..." "We are on a path togayther and we must dream togayther." "OK, if..." "If you take the women over to one side and the men come with me, and we'll bond, OK?" "Don't forgeti two precious metals in one." "The silver, the metal of kings, that famous precious metal, dipped in pure gold." "And we all know what that means." "In a circle..." "Can I have the Talking Stick?" "Thank you." "I missed the beginning." "Where do all the courses take place?" "Sometimes in the context of the Spiritual Space." "Stick, Stick!" "Where is that?" "Here." " And the others..." " You haven't got the Stick." "Well, give me the Stick!" "How much is it?" "I'll buy my own!" "Give me the Stick!" "Give me the Stick!" "I'm sorry..." "All the others, where do they take place?" "In the Realms of Nature." "Stick!" "Where are the Realms of Nature?" "In the garden!" "Smear!" " We shall now meditate..." " You haven't got the Stick!" "Sorry." "I don't need the Stick!" "Let us meditate." "Mind the antlers!" "broadcasting to New York City." "A quick glance at the weather." "It's in the low 80s..." "So I said to her, "Listen, Ms Tan-in-a-Tube" - and we're talking orange " ""Here's what's going on." "You ain't clunking down my catwalk." "No way, babe!" ""If Calvin Klein ain't paying, you'd have squshed your tush into his Femme Fatale minipants. "" " Fat butt, huh?" " The planet jupiter and its moons!" "A galaxy of excess flubber!" " Well, hello, little killers!" " Hi!" " Did you see Naomi's hair?" " Adorable?" "Adorable!" "Well, Omar had a go-see at Vogue." " No!" " He was so nervous." "I said as he left the apartment, "Baby Doll, vitamin C and smile." ""You have a terrific book now. "" "But they didn't use him." "They have no taste." " Too commercial?" " He's a movie star." " Rejection can be so depressing!" " Yeah!" "Hi." "Patsy Stone." "Is your hair on purpose?" "I'm Santé, Accessories and Shoes." "Candy, Models." "This is Gina, Marketing." "So, what's new?" "What's your direction?" " Who do you want in it?" " What do you want on their feet?" "Well, I want to be pretty revolutionary." "I intend to dictate." "I want to take the fun back out of fashion." "No more schoolgirls in techno fabrics." " No plastics, no micro-mini!" " Careful, honey!" " No "cheap tart" looks, no Hollywood glamour." " Is she joking or what?" " Breakfast at Tiffany's, Armani, Klein, Karan..." " What?" "Are you on drugs?" "Honey, they need it to look like trash so their ten-page frigging ads in greys and beiges look like class." " They don't want your fashion pages!" " And she's up to speed." "Darling, they are selling a frigging scent!" "This is New York, not some backwater." "We move with the dollar." "This ain't art and there's no choice." "Here's what's going on." "You keep it trashy and I don't get ten tons of designer marketing shit on my back." "Comprehendo, my dear?" " Sweet!" " Where's Magda?" "She's at a promo brunch for Honda." "Tell him it's got to be a bigger model!" "I'm not driving around in any dinky mini one." "I'm in a meeting, so no more calls." "Right." "Sorry I'm late." "New York, Las Vegas, Beverly Hills, San Francisco, Hono-bloody-lulu." "That's what I call a circulation." "But we're selling less than the population of No-neck, Virginia, and that's why I'm here." "I want who's old, who's young about town, who's wearing what." "Try to get into someone's 'ouse." "I want who's sexy, who's not sexy." "I want models who smoke." "Make it Marlboro Lites and put them in a pair of Nikes." "I don't like Cindy Crawford, but she sells, and julia Roberts makes me puke, but that's enough about me." "Santa?" "Santé." "Everybody's crazy about wickerwork wallets." "Fendi and Todd Oldham have some out, so I'm thrilled." " Mags." " Pats, what's the matter, girl?" " I need a fag." " Outside." " All right." "Publisher?" " His name's Mitchell Friedman." "Mitchell Friedman?" "Sounds rather me." "See you later, sweetheart." " Oi, you!" " This month, things are v. V. Good." "Linda, Kate and Naomi are keeping the weight off, but for the new girls, finger-down-the-throat time!" "Mr Friedman's car is going to be here in a minute." "You stay here with him." "OK?" "Mr Friedman?" "Hello, I'm Patsy Stone." "Don't touch strangers!" "Come on, put your hands down, tuck your elbows in!" " Do you know this person?" " No, I..." "Hi, hello there!" "How are you doing?" " It's me, Bo!" " Yeah..." "Patsy, isn't it?" "Hi, hi, hi!" "I'm Mitchell's nurse." "I've been with him for about a week." "He's my kind of guy." "Can't speak, only takes liquids, and no messy potty time what with his bags!" "Gee, what are you doing in New York?" "New York, the Big Apple." " Kind of off the beaten path for you." " Yeah..." "Um..." "Mr Friedman..." "Mitchell." "I'm Patsy Stone." "I'm the new Fashion Director of your magazine, HQ." "Could we have a quiet word together?" "Friedman?" "THE Friedman of Friedman, Weiss and Fernandez?" "He owns the building!" "What am I talking about?" "He owns half of New York!" "You have enough oxygen there, honey?" "Then there's the estate in Massachusetts." "Unless his wife got that after the third divorce." " I'm just taking you off to a little park..." " Oh, no, no, no!" "Butt out, bitch!" "This guy's coming with me." "Come on, my darling!" "Brace yourself, we're taking the kerb!" "Hello." "Ching-ching, ching-ching." " Excuse me, it's No Smoking in here." " Yeah, all right, sure." " Then, right..." " You have to go outside!" "OK, fine." "We're going." " It's really inconsiderate, you know!" " Yeah!" "She's asthmatic." "What...?" "I only meant that smokers should leave, I didn't mean everybody." "Anyone want a coffee or something stronger, if you know what I mean?" "Er... no, not for me." " I'm just happy sitting here." " Me, too." "Our next chain is nine-carat plated and it's a full 18 inches long." "And if you do this, you'll notice that that full length of that gorgeous link chain..." "That's a sign of high quality." "See how it fits in a small shape in the palm of my hand." " Oh, mama!" "That outfit is beautiful!" " I love your chains, girlfriend!" "We'll see you at The Boulevard later!" "I love old cheesecloth!" "That's Nicole Farhi." "Could you put..." "Hi." "Josh, Tim and I are going down the pub." "Well done!" "This kind of smiling thing is..." "What are you smiling for?" "Is it some cosmic joke I've not been let in on?" "I have found my inner self." "The great Shiva cow within." "My deep-rooted pagan woman that lies in us all." "Not in me." "I don't think she's there!" "Yes, you will find her." "Feel it!" "Feel the great transmugrence!" "The flow from my essential oils are passing into you!" " Yes." " They're flowing!" " Can you feel them?" " No, but I can smell them." "Honestly..." " My womb is flowing!" " Yes." " Can you feel it filling your empty hole?" " Yes." "The pulsations!" "I'm sorry, but I don't think this is quite what I'm looking for." "I didn't spend my youth burning my bra so that I could squat saggy-titted over a forest loo hole waiting for the sun to come up while the men go off hunting down the pub." "I'm sorry." "Let me dance the Shiva healing dance!" "I just don't think that the sort of person that I want to find in me is the kind of person who likes making corn-buggery-dollies in the sacred body workshop." "Look!" "The Shree Baghwan Risha sandal." "Let us worship it." "For God's sake!" "Let me just kill the whales!" "Have you ever smoked grass or, you know, that other stuff?" "Hash?" "No." "Well, then." "How can you know it's wrong?" "I don't smoke because I tried it once and I think I'm allergic or..." "Anyway, it didn't really do anything for me." "I didn't notice the difference." " It makes people really boring." " Yeah." "You think you're being really funny or clever, but you're just being incredibly dull." "Who needs drugs to do that?" "When I say something really funny or clever, I like to remember it the next day." "For heaven's sake!" "Your roach is too tight and your paper is too loose!" "Give it to me." "Pass me some card." "Collectors' thimble collection..." "CHO326." "Now, I'm just getting a message here." "Would a Mrs Monsoon, who phoned in a couple of hours ago, and who I had such a lovely time talking to..." "Would you replace the telephone, dear?" "Because nobody else can get through." "I've just spent a long morning at his lawyer's office and now we're going to be married." " I need ten minutes alone with him." " You've got five." " Done." " But you have to do something for me first." " I thought you said he couldn't speak." " I throw my voice." "Do you, Mitchell Friedman, take Bo Mo Chrysalis to be your lawfully wedded wife?" " Wi-wife?" "!" " No!" "Out of my way, I'm a trained nurse!" "Turn over!" " Go ahead, he's all right!" " Do you, Mitchell Friedman to be your lawfully wedded wife?" " I do!" "Hurry up, I'm losing him!" "By the power invested in me by the State of New York, I pronounce you husband and wife!" "Yes!" " You may now kiss the bride." " Not on your life!" "Honey, he's all yours, but I wasn't getting a pulse!" "Chrysalis, you married the richest man in New York." "What are you going to do now?" "I'm going to Disneyland!" "The Secret Feather." "It's for you." "Great." "London Bridge..." "Grass..." "All different sorts of grass." "Little teasers." "These..." "A little better." "There, there!" "I knew she would be there." "Pats, Pats!" "Eddie?" "Yeah, babe!" " Come on!" "Stoli, babe!" " Can I have a Stoli?" " I've got a bottle!" " I got bored!" "I'll meet you down there." "Get me from here!" "I can't find the stairs!" "Come on, Ed." "You can land just here!" "Come on, sweetie!" "It's quite easy!" "Can we land on that building?" "We can't land on your roof!" "Good to see you!" "Let's go home!" " Cheers." " Cheers." "It's quite like the old times, Ed." "It has only been three days, actually." "Has it?" "It felt like..." " Well, cheers." " Cheers." "I should..." " I didn't mean to drag you back." " You didn't drag me back, no." " From New York." " Yeah, New York!" "Yeah..." " Fantastic shopping." " Yeah, it was fantastic." "I was not taking them!" "I'm entitled to a discount!" "I'm Patsy Stone!" "Yeah, and all that fabulous fun you must have been having." " Oh, yeah." "It was fabulous!" " Yeah?" "Yeah, it was fantastic." " Yeah..." " Yeah..." "There's something I meant to say on the plane, but I was too drunk, obviously, and it's just that..." "I was passing, you know." "I was just in New York, passing." " I didn't mean to drag you back." " You didn't." "I know that you didn't drag me back." "I was thinking of leaving anyway." " Were you?" " Because I..." " What?" " The job wasn't up to much." "Yeah..." " Anyway, cheers." " Cheers." "Thanks a lot." "Yeah, you're welcome." " Actually..." " Actually..." " Hello, darling." " Mum." "I didn't expect to see you here." "Well, yeah..." "I didn't expect to see you, either." "Darling." " Found yourself, then?" " Ta-daa!" "Yeah, it was fabulous." "I only needed those few days, feeling part of something with my sort of people." "No, no, no!" "I can't breathe your second-hand air like that." "I'm sorry." "Being with people I could really relate to." "Are those eyes, are they?" "Are those your eyes?" "Are they?" "Gosh, you must be bored!" "I'm bored!" "Anyway, how could I expect to find Nirvana?" "They couldn't even find decent furniture!" "If you want to talk bollocks and find the meaning of life, you're better off downing a bottle of whisky." "At least that way you're unconscious by the time you start to take yourself seriously." "Mother Nature is no fool." "Phew!" "Hoover-vacuum's broken!" "How did that happen?" "It fell out of a window when I was doing sills." "Look at this, darling!" "I couldn't get out of her contract." "Luckily, it was non-specific." " That's what they said at the tribunal." " Yes, thank you for that!" "The police phoned." "They've released your mother." "Oh, damn!" "Good though, ain't it?" "They haven't had a record out for years." "Sweetie!" "Stop looking at me like that!" "Darling, squatting is against the law." "She changed the locks and was using my credit card." "She's lucky not to have been sent down." "Ashtray, ashtray!" "Go on!" "Quick, ashtray!" "Thank you." " Yoo-hoo!" " How did she get in?" "How did she do that?" "Oh..." "Released, then?" " Yes, dear, but I'm tagged." " Oh." "Don't sit here." "Go and sit over there." "I have to report once a week for a cup of tea with my social worker, Mandy, and I gave her your number at university, dear." "Just in case she wants to contact you if I go missing." "Could you get those cheesy balls from the cupboard behind you?" " Why don't you get them?" " Because YOU'RE here." "I know that my childhood has been a convenient form of legalised slavery, but I'm over 18 now." "Do you understand?" "Actually, not the cheesy balls." "The japanese seaweed twiglets." " Open them!" " No!" "This is not how it's going to be any more, Mum!" "I'm not going to be here just to put you to bed, to feed you, stub out your joints, clear out the sick, lie for you, disapprove of you..." "And not just you." "You as well!" "Cesspit from hell!" "Stinking bag of bones that haunts this house every day like a mouldering cadaver, leeching the lifeblood out of everything it can get its filthy suckers onto!" "I'm fed up being suckered!" "I won't take this any more!" "This is not how it's going to be!" " Good morning, dears." " Good morning, Gran." " Is Tom up yet?" " I looked in on him and he was unconscious." "I think he was smoking last night." "Easy, Gran." " Oh, no!" " Oh, no!" " Saff, darling!" " Oh, dear." "You said they weren't going to be allowed in our kitchen any more." "What do you want?" "We'll have breakfast with you this morning." "Patsy dropped the keys to our bed in Soho last night." "I'll have dry toast." "It's all my teeth manages." "Use Patsy's." "Isn't it that doggie that sticks its nose up your crotch?" " Get out!" " Pity." "Yeah, have the packet." " Want some of those?" " No, no one's taking them any more." "I like him." "You can't be here today." "Use your own place." " What?" " Victoria, can you get the spare keys, please?" " What?" " They can't be here when Dad comes." "He'll leave." " I know." " Is that bastard coming back?" "I might hang around." "It's the only bloodsport they haven't banned." " No!" " What?" " Didn't I leave a bottle of voddy here?" " No." "Can I have one?" "Careful, darling." "You don't want another overflow situation." "Check your colostomy bag." "We had to skid our way out of the Rhumba Go Go Club last night." "Torville and Dean!" "I'll be the judge of that!" "Here you are." "Now, go!" " What?" " The jailer has brought her keys." " Move." " What?" "WE'VE GOT TO GO, DARLING." "See you later." "Come on." " Are you still with us?" " Yes." "Mum, I'll do the house." "Why don't you go to the hairdresser's before Dad arrives?" "No, it's all right." "Oh!" "Oh, dear!" "I've forgotten my specs." "I won't be long." " Not dead yet?" " No, not dead yet." ""B", is it?" "Still, not a bad life, darling." "No, not a bad life."