"# Good morning, U.S.A. #" "# I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day #" "#The sun in the sky has a smile on his face #" "#And he's shining a salute to the American race #" "# Oh, boy it's swell to say #" "# Good morning, U.S.A. #" "#Good morning, U.S.A. ##" "I'm mobile!" "Check me out!" "I'm mobile!" "Roger, look what I bought!" "It's a hamster ball, but I modified it." "Uh-huh." "That's a thing." "Look at them down there planning my birthday party." "Yup, I'm turnin' 1600." "The big one-six-double bagel." "I like spying." "My fanny is so high in the air right now." "Hi." "I'd like to rent a bouncy castle and a sober clown for my friend Roger this Saturday." "Well, do you have the number of someone who does have a sober clown?" "No, sir." "I don't believe I am asking for the moon." "Makin' a cake, ordering clowns- They love me!" "Yup, in my culture, 1600 is the most important birthday of all." "And mine's shaping' up to be" "Comin' through!" "Behold, it is here!" "My first pube!" "Oh, it's red!" "Fire!" " Oh, God, I'm gonna be sick!" " I finally hit puberty!" "Honey, that's wonderful." " We're so... happy for you." " Yes, very happy." "Now go ahead and pull up your pants." "Oh, no chance." "I gotta go brush and style this bad boy." "Okay, freak show's over." "Let's get back to my birthday." "Where are you guys going?" "Come back!" "Francine, the frosting!" "Hello?" "Clown dispatcher?" "Oh, man!" "Oh, this is bad." "I-I-I can't deal with this." " Puberty." " Our worst nightmare!" "The only thing worse than a child going through puberty... is being the parent of a child going through puberty." "Remember I had that bumper sticker on the car for a while?" "Nobody honked." " What are you doing?" " I can't do it again, man." "I'm leavin'." "I'm going to" " I don't know- my mom's, my sister's." "Hell, I'll even go back to prison!" "I don't care." " Look, maybe it won't be so bad." "We got through Hayley's puberty." " Barely." "What do you mean, every month?" "Honey, that's the glory of being a woman." " I'm not using these!" "I'm never using these!" " No!" "Aah!" "This is as big as they're gonna get?" "I'm hideous!" " Honey, you can't even see it." " It's pretty." "Whoa!" "Hayley, your cheek's pregnant." "Who's the father?" "Touching your face all day with your greasy hands?" "Yaah!" "So here's what I'm gonna do." "I'm gonna wear my big shoes and pack my flip-flops." "I'm not ready for Steve to make the change." "He's gonna have man breath, and his poops won't smell good anymore." "I wish he could just stay 14 a little while longer." "Not me." "I want him to skip over puberty and jump right to 21... so the two of us can go have a shot and a shave." "We can finally sit down and discuss Ordinary People." "I'm tired of talking to the kid about that movie and just getting a blank stare." "Hey, 'rental units." "I cleaned all the kid crap from my room." "I'm gonna dump it then go for a jog." "You know, clear my head." " It's a little chilly out." "Wear a sweater." " Hey!" "You're my mother, not my thermometer!" "Stan, we have to do something!" "There's nothing we can do." "We're helpless- like a turned-over tortoise in the sun." "Sure, our bellies are warm now, but soon it will be dark... and then the crows will come." "Fellows, how's the sloppy joes today?" " Sloppy, I trust." " Whoa!" " Are those khakis?" " A braided belt?" "Don't itemize, boys." "Take it all in." "It's a package." "Speaking of packages, mine's got a hair on it." " Yeah!" " Yeah!" "Way to go, Steve!" "Sit down and tell us all about it." "I'd love to, kemo sabes, but I'm here on business." "Lisa Silver, as I live and breathe." " What do you want, dweeb?" " Oh, no!" "It's not what I want." "It's what you want- which is to go to the dance with me this Saturday." " I don't" " Shh." "I know you're into me." "And if you weren't before you are now, because you're intrigued by this moment." " Go on." " Meet me at Macy's tomorrow, Young Petites." "We're goin' dress shopping'." " Uhh!" "I got a look in mind for you." " Okay." "Oh, and I got you a present." "It's gettin' to watch me walk away." " Hey, scientists!" " Hey, Mrs. Smith." "What brings you by?" "Well, I was talking to Stan last night... and he seemed pretty sure that nothing could stop the aging process." "But I think if anyone in the world could do it, it'd be you boys." "So smart." "We have been goofing around with this one thing, but it's classified." " Still classified?" " Yes." " Still classified?" " Yes." "I brought brownies." "Brownies!" "He makes it difficult to negotiate." "What an angel." "God took a little extra time on you, didn't he?" "My little deep sleeper." "What's this?" "The Home  Hearth catalog?" "What a great place to shop for birthday presents." "Is that" " Is that a nightstand from the Country Mystique Collection?" "What the hell happened to me?" "I'm a goddamn toddler!" "Moving on." "There is a choice between brass and wood drawer pulls." "If you get the wood ones, I'll throw the whole thing in the street." "Do not test me." "Which one of you did this to me?" "I just asked those scientists at the C.I. A... for something to stop you from aging." " They must have given me too much." " Francine, how could you?" "I just wanted him to stay 14 for a few more years, so I could hold on to my baby." "Oh, I'm a baby all right!" "Look!" "It's gone!" "My one man-hair is gone!" "Can we have one family meal without someone flashing their genitalia?" "Wow, that is weird stuff, and we are certainly gonna talk about it after my party." "Maybe while we're cleaning up." "You." "Maybe while you're cleaning up." " Oh, you are so cute!" " I'm not supposed to be cute!" "I'm supposed to be a man!" "Ah, you really gave it to me this time, Mom!" "You just-You just took a nightstick and went, " Yeah!" "Yeah!"" "It was a total violation of my" " Steve, cartoons!" " Of my" "Is-Is that monkey working as a green grocer?" "Ohh!" "Francine, you had no right to turn Steve five!" "I'm gonna go pay the boys in the lab a visit and get the antidote." " I'm gonna need something to grease the little one with." " What?" "Where's he going?" "That's my cake!" "This is all your fault!" "They should be at the mall right now... buying me a tiny remote-control helicopter that'll break the moment I use it!" "Oh, my God!" "I'm supposed to meet Lisa at the mall to buy her a dress for the dance!" "I can't stand her up!" "She's the hottest girl in school!" "This is my shot!" "What am I gonna do?" "I'll tell you what I'm gonna do." "I'm gonna bite those little legs!" "No!" " Ow!" "No, stop!" " Who's eating corn on the cob?" "Mommy's eating corn on the cob!" "Look at me, being escorted around town by this handsome little gentleman." "Just so you know, I'm speaking calmly." "But there is a tantrum brewing in me the likes of which this mall has never seen." "You want me to come with you?" "No, you've done enough!" "Press four, please!" " I said four!" " Oh, I'm sorry." "I hit three." "I know." "I saw!" "You've got string-bean legs." "I want to bite 'em." "Oh, I want to bite 'em!" "You can do this." "The playa's a little younger, but the game is still the same." "Mm-wah!" "Hey, babe." "Down here!" "It's me, Steve Smith." " Is this a joke?" " I know this is weird." "Since we last met I had a little pituitary problem." "But don't worry." "You and me?" "That's still happenin'." "So I'm thinkin' open-toed shoes." "You got good feet?" "Pop off those kicks." "Give Daddy a look." "I don't know what's going on, if you're Steve's nephew or whatever." "But when you see him, do me a favor." "Tell him he blew it." "Lisa, no!" "It's me!" "I swear!" "Don't worry, kiddo." "This is gonna fix you right up." "Mmm." "You had to give him that shot!" "You couldn't just let him be my baby for a little while longer!" "No, Francine." "That time of his life is over." "Okay." "I guess we'll just have to prepare ourselves for puberty." "This'll have to do till I can fashion a shiv out of a chicken bone." "Puberty?" "Nothin' doin'." "When he gets up from his nap, he's gonna be 21." "What?" "Oh, no, Stan." "What did you do?" "I had the boys at the lab give me enough serum... to drop Steve off just on the other side of puberty." "Mary Tyler Moore is such an icy bitch in this." "It's fantastic." "Stan, we never discussed" "There he is!" "My man's awake!" " Why?" " Oh, my God!" "Uh, I think the boys in the lab made a mistake." "You think?" "Well, I got my pubic hair back- a whole bunch of'em." "They're white as frickin' Christmas!" "It's like Santa Town down there!" "And look at my pendulous 'nads!" "Every time I walk it's like a game of Gnip Gnop." "You rat bastards!" " You sons of" " Steve, Weather Channel." "I'm not interested in-Whoa." "Looks like a storm front's headed for Seattle." "Huh!" "Don't want to be on those roads." "I was just reading this article about a bubble man." "He comes to your party and makes big bubbles." "Saints alive!" "Minus 14 in Minneapolis?" "Oh, ho!" "No, thank you." "Is that" " Is he" "Great." "Nice." "Good." "I guess I'll head back to the lab and straighten this thing out once and for all." "Yeah, you do that." "Do something right for once in your life." "Shut up, old man!" "Oh, oh, Steve, Lisa called." "She's agreed to give you one more chance, and wants to meet you later today." "Yes!" "Gross!" "What am I gonna do?" "If I show up like this, she'll never believe it's me." "I'll have to think of something- something clever and easy to explain." "Hi, I'm future Steve." "I've been sent back in time 80 years by the Imperial Order... of which I am recording secretary." " What?" " I remember these." "Now, I've been commissioned with two responsibilities." "First, to assure you that Steve will be at the dance and is looking forward to it." "And second" "Oh!" "They're bringing back the old sleeping booths!" "Hooray!" "I found him sleeping in a booth with, like, four other old people." " Did you get the shot?" " Got it right here." "This'll make him 14 again." "It's gonna be hell for all of us." "Yeah, especially Steve." "Horrible time, puberty." "Years of sadness, rejection and confusion." "He'll look weird, smell weird." "His voice'll change." "He'll get painful acne, back-ne, ass-ne, inner ear-ne." "He comes from an oily family." "Plus he'll be getting his butt kicked through it all." "Oh, the senseless beatings." "Have you ever been beaten naked in a gym shower, Stan?" "One day when I was showering after gym class... these mean pretty girls caught me and kept scrubbing me all over with soap." "I mean, they didn't miss a spot!" "And even though we were all wet and naked and slippery... they were still able to get me on all fours... and shove my face to the floor!" "Can you imagine, Stan?" "How'd they catch you again, please?" "Wait." "Steve?" "Where'd he go?" "They tried to make me put my bag under the bus." "But I told them the bag stays with me!" "They tried to make me 14 again." "But I'm not going through that hell." " I'm stayin' 80." " That's nice." "Here's a picture of my grandson Billy." "Oh, I go to school with him." "He's a total douche." "Yeah, I know." "Steve!" "Steve!" "He's not in the toolshed." "But I did find your high school yearbook." "Now, you show me which girls did that mean stuff to you." "Was it this gymnastics girl?" "Right?" "Right?" " What about this girl?" "Did this girl walk in on it?" " Stan, not now." "Our little 80-year-old boy is out there, scared and all alone." " Roger, have you seen Steve?" " Just dropped him off at the bus station." "The bus station?" "Did he say where he's going?" "He said he's gonna live out the rest of his days in some retirement home." " What?" "Which one?" " The Crow's-feet Inn." "I just made that up." "I don't know." " How could you let him go?" " It was a real struggle." "Wrestled with it." "Not easy." "Now we can focus on my birthday!" "I want a bike just like this one, except not stolen from the kid down the street." "Apparently, his grandmother gave it to him." "What she needs to give him is an ice pack, because I slapped him in the face." "Wait." "Where are you going?" "Let's talk about my birthday!" "Well, that's it." "I'm gonna spend my 1600th birthday alone- just like a sequoia." "Come on, I-24!" "Uh, Steve Smith!" "Uh, the telephone!" "Watch my card." "And rub my lucky monkey- before he picks the ball, not after." "It does me no good after." " Hello?" " Steve, we finally found you!" " What are you doing there?" " I'm livin' here." "I heard you and Mom talkin' about all that teenage stuff." "I'm happy I skipped all that, and now I get to relax here." "Plus there's shuffleboard, cards." "Someone's niece came in and played the harp." "It was wonderful." "Steve, that's crazy." "We're coming down there with a shot." "You come near me with that shot, and I'll swallow the whole medicine cabinet- uppers, downers, stool hardeners, stool softeners!" "My stools won't know what to do!" "But that'll be the mortician's problem." "He says growing up sounds too hard." "He just wants to stay an old man." "We've lost our son." "Because of us, he missed out on his whole life." "What are we gonna do?" "Hello, Steve?" "Who?" "You're the bubble man?" "What's a bubble man?" "Oh, I got another call." "Hello?" "Who's this?" "Ohh." "No." "No, Steve's not here." "But don't worry." "Everything's gonna be fine." " Come on, Francine." "I know how we can get Steve back." "Hello?" "Bubble man?" "No, I didn't say, " Hold on. " I said I had another call." "No, I won't apologize." "Yeah, I'll fight ya." "Yeah, I know where that is." " Francine, remind me I'm fighting the bubble man on Thursday." " You're fighting the poetry guy on Thursday." " Let's see if we can move it." "Bravo, Aiden." "Looks like everyone's having a fun time." " Are you a kid?" " That'll do, Aiden!" "What-Wh-What did you wait, a whole six years for a bouncy castle?" "Yeah, try 1600!" "This should have been my party!" " Mom!" " Your mom is dead, boy." "I killed her." "No, I didn't." "I went too far." "That wasn't cool." "This is Steve's fault!" "He ruined my birthday!" "And I'm gonna make him pay!" "All right." "I'm gonna go get my face painted and then get the hell outta here." " I've got arthritis." " My cataracts are as thick as nickels." " I'm a virgin." " Whoa!" "We gotta get you laid!" "Road trip." " Steve!" " Mom!" "Dad!" "Don't you come near me with that needle!" " Honey, we're just here to talk." " Look, I'm putting it on the ground." " Oh, it stinks in here!" " Stan!" "Oh!" "It's just so unexpected." "I mean, the outside is so nicely landscaped." " Kick the needle over to me." " Okay, here it is." " Nice and easy." " Oh!" "Smells worse than that Dumpster at the crab restaurant!" "Steve, we're so sorry!" "This is all our fault!" "We were only thinking of ourselves- Oh, now I smell it!" "It's like an egg ate garlic and farted in a sulfur pit!" "It-It's- There's like a heat behind it." "Steve, we tried to deprive you of the most important years of your life... just to make it easier on us." " Yes, there's lots of bad stuff about puberty." " But there's good stuff too." "Yeah?" "Like what?" "See, Steve?" "Lisa Silver." "And she's waiting for you." "When she called the house looking for you... it made me remember that puberty wasn't all bad." "There's stuff you don't want to miss." "Your first school dance, gettin' your driver's license... goin' over to your best friend's house and finding his mother O.D.'d in the tub... or however you cop your first feel." "Come on, Steve." "What do you say?" "Gimme the shot!" "Sorry I'm late." "I lost track of time." "# I don't want to wait #" "# For our lives to be over ##" "Hey, everyone!" "Check it out!" "He's only got one pube!" " Ew, and it's red!" " Let's give him a swirly!" "A chocolate one!" "No!" "Please!" "No, Lisa!" "Wait!" "No, please!" " Yeah!" " We did say there were crappy times, right?" "No!" "Serves Steve right, stealing my thunder!" "Still, I can't believe everyone forgot my birthday." "Not everyone." "Yeah, you." "Happy birthday, Roger." " Make a wish." " It already came true." "I hate Steve so much." "Bye." "Have a beautiful time!"