"I said "NO"" "and I said "why not?"" " no - why not?" "I don't have to give you a reason Dad, I got my learner's permit but mom won't let me drive her car just because they give 15-year-olds learner's permits doesn't mean they're ready to drive" "oh please..." "I've been driving for years" "Grand Theft Auto one..." "Grand Theft Auto two... and I never ran over anybody but pimps and crack whores" "Jake... sorry...crack prostitutes go get started on your homework afterward, will you take me driving?" "we'll talk about it later when?" "..." "just go to your room..." "I'm available now go!" "man...if I knew how to hot-wire a real car" "I'd so be outta here well, thanks for bringing him by, I guess... yeah...uh, if you need reach me" "Herb and I are going to Laguna Beach for a weekend get-away oh, how nice...taking the baby?" "are you insane?" "..." "I said "getaway"" "Herb's lucky I'm taking him" "I see so uh...so who's watching little Millie?" "my mother oohh... are we sure that's a good idea?" "okay, first of all...there is no "WE" here and what are you implying?" "I'm implying that there might be better choices for a babysitter than a woman who has a sandwich named after her at the Betty Ford Clinic she's three years clean and sober all the charges were dropped and she's great with Millie" "all right...all right..." "I hope you don't mind but I gave her your number in case there's an emergency" "I don't mind so uh...how is the baby, anyway?" "fine good...good..." "Jake showed me some pictures" "I gotta say, she doesn't look much like you and she certainly doesn't look like Herb don't go there, Alan go where?" "..." "I'm not implying that someone other than Herb could be the father even though that someone did have unprotected sex with you approximately nine months before the birth of a child that looks suspiciously like that someone" "you get that I'm talking about me, right?" "honey, if we want to beat the traffic we really should get going..." "oh hey, Alan... hey Herb... did you hear?" "Judith and I are spending a romantic weekend in Laguna" "I said "weekend" Herb...that's all okay, fine...no romance" "but sex is still on the table, right?" "just get in the car oh, can I drive?" "no... why not?" "!" "?" "is she gone?" "damn it!" "..." "Chelsea, your cat trying to kill me... is he okay?" "the cat's fine!" "probably off plotting his next move...whoa!" "whoa!" "are you okay?" "no what happened?" "uncle Charlie fell oh... can I drive you to the hospital?" "sir Lancelot!" "here... kitty, kitty!" "he's probably hiding because he thinks you're mad at him for GOD's sake, Chelsea... the cat doesn't think anything except maybe" ""hhmm fish..." "I'll eat it"" "or "oohh sand..." "I'll crap in it""" "you're wrong he's very intelligent and very intuitive he knows you resent him living here thank you, Chelsea but I can defend myself" "I was talking about my cat oh, oh, I'm sorry... hhmm, fish... yum... okay, I'm going to work feel better thanks how's the shoulder?" "the shoulder's fine" "I'm just hoping to get a little "oh, poor Charlie" tonight..." ""oh, poor Charlie"?" "yeah...you know..." ""oh, poor Charlie..." ""I feel bad about your shoulder..." "so you just lie still while I provide you with a series of intense orgasms"" "wow..." "I don't know what to say other than "oink"" "(engine starting) is that a car?" "can I drive?" "can I drive?" "relax...it's just Chelsea going to work oh... uncle Charlie...you need to go anywhere?" "yeah...away from you all right..." "I'll drive you you want to drive my $80.000 Mercedes?" "yes, please... it's good that he's polite it's a necessary quality in a doorman was that a "yes" or a "no"?" "that was a "no""" "so the doorman thing was an insult?" "yes oh... and a prophecy hello?" "no, it's Charlie... who's this?" "I can't hear you...what?" "Alan, it's for you... oh hello?" "oh, oh...hi, Lenore... it's uh..." "Judith's mother uh...is that the house alarm?" "uh...is-is the baby okay?" "all right, open the little panel by the front door and enter pound...star and the code" "pound is the little tic-tac-toe board yeah..." "like on Hollywood squares" " she still popping the pain pills?" " no good...see if she's got any leftovers okay, the code is Jake's birthday your grandson anyway, it's oh-three-one-four-- oh, no, no, Le-Lenore, don't punch it into the phone" "no Lenore!" "Lenore!" "Lenore!" "okay, okay, okay...calm down, calm down..." "I-I'll be right there" "I-I will turn it off for you oh okay, okay...bye..." "I gotta go you couldn't be more of a sucker if you were on the end of a stick why?" "because I'll take any excuse to spend some time with my baby daughter?" "you don't know you're the father, Alan oh, come on... she's got my jawline...my eyes, my ears... you left out thinning hair and poopy pants that was one time and I begged you to stop at gas station" "(alarm blaring)" "(baby crying) oh Alan...thank God you're here" "I pushed all the buttons but I can't get it to stop well, that might be because you were adjusting the thermostat" "ah, there we go... ah...thank GOD oh here.." "let me see if I can turn this alarm off come here, Millie... come to papa was a rolling stone wherever he laid his hat was his home... always sang this to Jake worked like a charm ...and when he died all he left us was alone..." "(crying stops) huh, look at that... well, you're a miracle worker, Alan oh no..." "I just have knack for babies and uh...and animals it's only English-speaking adults that don't like me well, I think you're a wonderful fella and if you don't mind my saying" "I think Judith was a fool to let you go well, she didn't so much let me go as drop me from an airplane with an anvil necklace" "okay honey, time to get your beauty rest" "I'm afraid that's gonna have to be a long nap" "I mean..." "I hate to say it about my own granddaughter but let's face it...with those big ears... she looks a little like a fruit bat" "I think her ears are the perfect size you would how about some wine?" "uh uh well, thank you..." "but I-I really should get going oh no, come on...join me... just one...we'll catch up uh..." "Lenore, it's really none of my business but do you think you should really be drinking?" "what?" "you mean because I've been to Betty Ford?" "oh no, no, uh... because you got kicked out of Betty Ford hey, Britney bit me first" "anyway, I was there for pills I've never had a problem with alcohol oh" "see?" "no problem okay, now where did I hide those muscle relaxers" "I picked up in mexico?" "that's right between my buttcheeks" "turn around uncle Charlie?" "what?" "you hungry?" "cause if you are..." "we could go get something to eat and I'll even drive" "Jake, I'm sleeping... okay" "you know, you could nap in the car" "I just gotta have an adult with me..." "they don't have to be conscious..." "I'm not hungry okay, fine... hey, want to go see a movie?" "cause if you do... (grunting) maybe after your nap" "oh crap, now I'm awake... great... you hungry? you're lucky you're single, Alan oh, I don't know oh no, trust me..." "I've been married for 39 years!" "really?" "but Judith's 40 sshh... do you know what it's like to wake up every morning year after year and see the same stupid face lying next to you?" "uh well, all I can tell you is what I told your daughter if you don't like it...roll over..." "Fred hasn't touched me in 14 years uh well, uh, in his defense... he did have that stroke do you know what happens to a woman's body when it goes unloved for that long?" "oh gee, Lenore..." "I don't really feel comfortable talking about this... think about what I'm saying" "all right, well..." "I'm getting an image of a... a cave from an Indiana Jones movie what?" "!" "?" "well, you know...cobwebs.." "dust...human skulls... this is my vagina we're talking about oh, I am well aware of what we're talking about" "I've been so lonely oh oh, I'm..." "I'm sorry, Lenore... hhmm... a stroke's starting to look pretty good can't I at least back it out?" "no come on...nothing's gonna happen look...you wanna eat or not?" "fine... what if we went to an empty parking lot?" "could I drive it then?" "damn it Jake...how many times I gotta tell you... (cat screeching)" "what the hell was that?" "I don't know sounds like you ran over a cat" "I told you, you should've let me drive you know, Chelsea's gonna completely freak out no, she will not be happy doesn't even look like a cat anymore more like a cat pancake cat-cake" "sorry what am I gonna tell her?" "she doesn't have to know you're right... she thinks Sir Lancelot's missing so he stays missing... sir Squished-a-lot okay, okay, let's just think what we gotta do we have to get rid of the body" "clean up the mess then act like nothing's happened good plan, except..." " except what?" " say, "cheese!"" "what are you doing?" "making sure I get to drive your car whenever I want to what?" "!" "?" "....give me that!" "too late..." "I already emailed it to myself you're bluffing perhaps but can you really afford to take that chance? ...hush little baby, don't say a word daddy's gonna buy you a mockingbird if that mockingbird don't sing... forget it..." "I'm not sleepy let's go in the hot tub!" "uh, but I don't have a bathing suit me neither" "come on, stroke... (phone ringing)" "Judith, ugh... oh, this just keeps getting better and better" "(baby crying) oh hey, look who's up... hi, sweetie... you need a little change?" "oh, yeah..." "I'll let you in on a little secret before this day is over" "I might need to change my undies, too... (cell phone ringtone) uh-oh, it's your mommy again sshh... hello?" "oh hey Judith, what's up?" "so, how's Laguna?" "Laguna's fine... um listen, my mother's not answering the phone" " so I need you to go check on her and the baby - me... you uh..." "you want me to drive all the way to Sherman Oaks to check on your mother who you assured me was clean and sober?" "what's that?" "uh, uh, that is the...is the TV that I am watching the..." "Baby channel a... uh, uh... documentary about obese babies tragic okay listen..." "I-I will check up on your mother for you but uh, you owe me one... oh, Alan... ta-da!" "not bad what's not bad?" "uh, I mean..." "it's not a bad idea for me to check up on her thank you...call me when you get there oh, Judith... look who mowed the front lawn so, we're agreed... we will never speak of this again" "well, that kind of depends on you, doesn't it?" "I've already got the shovel, Jake" "I can dig another hole" "Charlie, I'm home!" "hi, sweetie...how was work?" "okay..." "I was a little worried about sir Lancelot have you seen him?" "no, haven't seen him...not a trace what about you, Jake?" "no, but if I was a cat I'd probably be on the beach cause you know, the beach is one big litter box and the ocean is a giant fish bowl kind of like having a sushi bar in your bathroom" "wow, how great would that be?" "I guess" "I'll still feel better when he comes back we all will" "you're quite the little liar, aren't you?" "I'm 15...my life depends on it" "Chelsea, uncle Charlie's gonna take me driving" " can we bring you back anything?" " no thanks... that woman just cut you off!" "learn how to drive, you whore!" "?" "!" "yeah..." "I'm talking to you!" "?" "!" "Lenore, oohh Lenore..." "Lenore, Lenore, we should probably keep it down we don't want to wake the baby what baby?" "...oh right... woof... ugh... hello, Judith... yeah, I was just about to call you uh, the baby's fine...nothing to worry about hey Judy, Judy, Judy!" "uh... yeah...yeah, that's her uh-huh, blotto... uh, no, no... no, no need to rush home..." "everything's under control we're in the car, Millie's sleeping in the back seat and we're heading for Malibu ehab-ray... ehab-ray?" "you said you were taking me for crabcakes at Gladstone's well I'm sorry..." "but you just don't have a choice here the hell I don't" "Lenore?" "Lenore?" "Lenore!" "red light... slow down, slow down, stop!" "(brakes screeching) you're making me really nervous, you know that?" "hey, you mind getting me another grape soda yeah..." "I mind..." "get it yourself... fine..." "I just have to send this jpeg to Chelsea real fast" "(sighing) okay, okay... look who finally came home!" "who?" "sir Lancelot you've been a bad kitty cat" "I've been so worried about you okay, I'm confused... if that's Sir Lancelot..." "then what did we squash?" "your hope of ever getting behind the wheel of my car again oh man... leverage is a fickle bitch, my friend" "(doorbell ringing)" "I got it!" "can I help you?" "sorry to bother you..." "I live down the beach and I'm looking for my cat oh, I'm sorry..." "I haven't seen it in fact, I just found my little guy" "I'm really worried he's black and white...about yay big answers to puss-puss" "I'll keep an eye out for him looks like the fickle bitch is back"