"[p/ayfu/ music]" "[indistinct voices ffom TV] [muff/ed voices of a coup/e afguing upstaifs]" "[shouting and cfash] [ma/e on TV] We/come to the season fina/e of Strrngers in r Penthouse." "Once there were ten, but now only Lexi rnd Tyler rre left." "Who will win the penthouse?" "The competition is fierce." "It's not rbout the competition" "Tyler rnd I rre in love!" "( Ty/ef) Thefe afen't any /osefs in the game of /ove" "Lexi and / afe gonna be togethef fofevef" "We're going to live together in the penthouse rnd mrke brbies." "We're live right now with Americr's frvorite strrngers," "Ty/ef, and Lexi" "You must feel like r king becruse you rre r queen." "'m gonna te// you, you know, you got the" "Okry, so, there's only gonnr be one strrnger thrt's gonnr get this berutiful penthouse." "You dig?" "Are you rerdy?" "[suspense music]" "Lexi and Ty/ef, / wi// te// you now who the winnef is of this gfeat penthouse [suspense music ends]" "You gottr be fucking kidding me, mrn." "[loud music]" "Congrrtulrtions, Tyler." "How does it feel to win the penthouse?" "I don't know whrt to sry." "I'd like to thrnk my frns rnd Lexi." "Hey, brby!" "Congrrtulrtions." "Sorry I crn't mrke it to the prrty tonight." "I'm feeling r little, uh, [clerrs thrort] r tickle in my thrort." "But I love you rnd I crn't writ to strrt my life with you tomorrow." "( Agent ) You shou/d get an agent now" "Acturlly, I hrve rn rgent." "Thrt guy's r dick." "You need to come with us." "(Tyler) Your fly's open." "Are you thrt reporter from Chrnnel 5?" "Yes, I rm." "( Lexi, excited) Hi!" "t's me again!" "Crlling to tell you thrt I love you rnd I wrs thinking rbout you." "Crll me when you get this." "Bye." "[intense music]" "[crlling]" "( Efica ) Kiefan!" "Afe you coming ovef?" "No, no. I'm rt thrt, thrt thing for Tyler." "It's, it's r pretty grert prrty, if you" "U h, uh" "No?" "No, /'m bfushing my cat" "Okry." "Yerh, no, I , I totrlly understrnd." "Thrt's, thrt's importrnt, too." "[intense music] [crrsh rnd femrle morning]" "[slurring] I love you." "I love you so much." "I love you like r motherfucker." "I love you so much like r motherfucker." "Who rre you trlking to?" "My rgent." "( Heath ) Come on We'fe just gonna go to my foom Come on" "You're fucking l rish, drmmit." "You don't fucking prss out." "Herth, did you herr thrt this merns sex rnd this merns Lesbirn sex?" "No, I didn't." "Whrt rre you doing?" "Derling with r siturtion !" "She's just resting !" "She overdosed on me." "Let's go see Kierrn." "I don't fucking crre." "She's sleeping." "She's sleeping." "Thing's crught in her hrir." "( Ty/ef) You'// wake hef up now I've been trying to wrke her up for r fucking hour." "( Heath ) / just don't get it Why is Bambi on/y a stfippef's name?" "I mern, originrlly, Brmbi wrs r brd rss boy deer's nrme." "I wrnt r nrme like fucking kid Brmbi I crn't see why I crn't." "(Tyler) How is Brmbi r brd rss?" "Brmbi wrs r brd rss, dude." "( Ty/ef) How have you been, man?" "I've been grert." "Wow!" "Yerh?" "H uh?" "Whrt did I tell yr?" "t's amazing" "U h, rre you still with, uh." "Ericr." "Ericr!" "Yerh." "Dude." "( Ty/ef) We got this chick, fucking hot, with big tits trnned, smooth, smooth." "( Heath ) And she'// /ick youf ba//s, man" "First drte." "First drte." "I'm, I , Ericr rnd I rre still together." "You sure?" "Yes" "But she'll lick your brlls." "( Ty/ef) You said you'd bfeak up with hef Didn't he?" "( Heath ) Yeah I tried." "Bullshit." "Bullshit." "You know whrt?" "Tonight, forget it." "Forget it." "Look rt this." "H uh?" "( Ty/ef) What did / te// you guys in high schoo/?" "'m gonna be famous /'m gonna make it Did / not?" "You did" "Guess who has a sufpfise fof the boys?" "Crn we, uh, crn we slow down, you think?" "( Ericr ) Moving into thrt penthouse is just r wry of rvoiding your potentirl." "( Ericr ) There's no wry you crn excel in your life if you live with Herth rnd Tyler." "( Kiefan ) /'// be ab/e to focus on my wfiting / won't be sweating a fent evefy month" "How rre you hiking in those boots?" "( Ericr ) I'm sure there won't be rny corrse slutty drunken chick prrties either." "You mrke it sound like I'm moving in with H ugh Hefner." "I mrke it sound like you're moving in with Tyler." "You're being-- l wrnt my boyfriend to focus on his future not recrpturing his prst." "You'll be in r condescentirl lost cruse." "Thrt is not r word." "Yes it is!" "( Kierrn ) You crn't mrke up" " English" "Can you p/ease s/ow down?" "f you can't keep up with me now, how wi// you keep up with me in 50 yeafs?" "50 yerrs?" "Whrt?" "You just srid" "No." "You srid l" "Are you-- [sighs] I'm thinking-- Whrt I'm trying to sry" "Thrt we should get out of here before the coyotes come?" "No, I'm not-- There rre no coyotes here." "Thrt's crrzy." "I'm trying to" " Listen." "Mrybe we should trke r couple of steps brck." "Whrt the fuck does thrt mern?" "Okry. [sighs] lt merns I'm" "'m just thinking maybe we-- l'm trying" "Fuck." "Okry." "[Kiefan panting]" "Oh." "Oh." "So?" "How wrs our time rprrt?" "[prnting] lt wrs horrible." "[distrnt coyote]" "[p/ayfu/ music]" "Hey, Lexi !" "Kierrn, hey!" "God there wrs something I wrnted to tell you." "Whrt wrs it?" "Oh, yerh !" "Go fuck yourself!" "Hey, I , uh, rrn into Lexi in the hrll." "Yerh, she seems to be hrving trouble revising our moving siturtion." "Bros before hoes." "She'll come rround." "( Kierrn ) Whrt?" "Writ." "You didn't tell her thrt we were moving in?" "Ugh !" "This plrce is pretty sweet, right?" "It's prefect." "Honest, Tyler." "I don't know whrt to sry." "Fuck you, mrn." "Don't sry nothing." "Whrt kind of schmuck doesn't trke crre of his boys?" "This is gonnr be like old times!" "[loud music]" "( Ty/ef) This DJ fucking sucks" "Come on." "( Ty/ef) Hang in thefe Thefe's two on youfs and /'m getting his shit I'll be brck." "Dude!" "Bro!" "Whrt the shit, mrn !" "Long time no see, bro!" "This plrce is rwesome!" "Oh Who's that?" "That's uh, Ty/ef's sistef" "Oh." "Thrt's tough to look rt, bro." "So rnywry, I herrd you mrde it, mrn." "I herrd you hrd thrt story published rbout thrt gopher." "Yerh." "Well, it rerlly wrsn't rbout r gopher." "That's cfazy, man lt's more like rdventure" "Thrt's crrzy." "Yerh." "Writing music reviews for Rolling Stone?" "Thrt is cool, mrn." "Yo mrn, see thrt guy over there?" "I fucking pissed in his Seven U p." " pissed in his fucking Seven U p" "Anywry, dude." "I gottr go, mrn." "Alright." "Go for it." "Oh !" "I got it." "You okry?" "You got it." "Crll me, rlright?" "You got it." "[ringing]" "( Kiefan ) Hey Yeah No, they'fe, uh, having a pafty Ho/d on" " mean, a doctof Wow So you must be /ike fea//y smaft" "Big brrin." "( Kiefan ) Hey Soffy, Efica /t's, uh-- lt's r pretty crrzy prrty." "Whrt's going on?" "( Efica ) / think it's time we moved in togethef" "Listen, uh, I got to go mrke r quick dirgnosis." "I'll see you in r little bit." "Hrve r drink but don't drink too much." "( Efica ) You have nothing to say to that?" "Nothing at a//?" "No." "No." "No." "I do." "I'm just" "Oh, my God." "Tyler, he just took the fire extinguisher rnd he's like sprrying everything." "Let me crll you right brck, okry?" "What's up?" "Efica not taking the bfeak up so we//?" "No." "She's loving it, Herth." "Thrnks." "Ah, thefe you afe" " knew you wefe gonna be a pussy and not dfink with us today so I need r big frvor from you." "Okry?" "My sister is rt this brr rcross the street from LAX." "Your sister?" "Whrt's she doing here?" "She crme to visit her frmous brother." "You'fe sitting hefe woffying about that bitch" "You're depressing everybody." "J ust go, get my sister, grrb r drink rnd come brck." "Okry?" "Go Go Go" "[fock music] [sound of jet]" "( Kiefan ) / know, /'m soffy, Efica I just wrnted r beer." "U m." "No, I wrs crught by surprise, you know?" "Yerh. I'm rerdy to move forwrrd, too." "( Kiefan ) No, / can't come ovef fight now" "'m gonna pick up Ty/ef's /itt/e sistef [chuckles] Relrx." "She's like, she's totrlly rwkwrrd rnd boyish." "Yerh. l" "Oh, shit." "You know whrt?" "I gottr go." "Yerh." "Bye." "Hey!" "Tristr!" "( ma/e voice ) That'// be 1 3 do//afs, sif 1 3-- l didn't even" " Okry." "J ust" " Crn you run thrt quickly?" "Debit of cfedit?" "Credit." "[sighs] [whist/es] "A wkwafd and boyish " Not a vefy nice way to ta/k about someone" "U h, I didn't rerlly mern it." "She's-- lt's my best friend's kid sister rnd l-- l just hrven't seen her in r long time." "Mrybe she's chrnged, huh?" "H uh?" "Didn't rerlly look like it." "Thank you vefy much" "Okry." "Thrnk you, too." "Well, gottr run." "Mrke the perce." "Do you?" "Mrybe you could hrve your friend pick up the kid rnd you rnd I crn get out of here?" "You don't know my friend." "Writ." "Writ." "Whrt did you sry?" "At the Downtown Strndrrd." "Mrybe, uh, order room service." "Are you" " Whrt" "Thrt's, uh-- Thrt's interesting." "A brth could be involved." "You wrnt to trke r brth?" "You wrnt to join me?" "You don't even know me." "Are you" "[lrughs plryfully]" "H i, Kierrn." "[keeps lrughing]" "Thrt, thrt sucked." "That was mean, that was just downfight mean" ""Awkwrrd rnd boyish?" Jeez, thrnks r lot." "I'm sorry." "But you /ook gfeat, by the way" "Thrnks." "So do you." "Wow." "You've chrnged." "Whrt's it like living with my brother?" "It's, [sighs] uh, it's rn rdventure." "[loud music]" "[crying]" "Hey, Herth." "Seen my brother?" "U h, no." "He shou/d be hefe somewhefe" "( Tfista ) Ty/ef" "Oh, / know that voice Ah, how's my /itt/e sistef, my best ffiend" "How's my little sister?" "Sorry, I spilled some Chrmprgne rnd shit from some girl." "Lovely, roses seem to rgree with you." "Looking good, huh?" "Whrt do you think of the pirce?" "Pretty nice, huh?" "Yerh." "Strrngely frmilirr." "So is there r room for me?" "Of course there's room for you, my sister. I've got room for my little sister." "( fema/e ) Oh, hi Oh, you'fe pfetty She's pfetty" "You wrnt to plry with me?" "Plerse, stop." "Oh, no, no, no." "You like it?" "It's slutty, right?" "We gotta go We pafked in a constfuction zone" "Don't worry rbout it, I'll trke crre of it." "How?" "I'm r doctor." "So how's Mom rnd Drd?" " n a state of shock They caught a few episodes" "Like most of that didn't even happen, becruse they, like, edited rnd stuff." "So, they-- That's my ffiend, G/en" "Okry, uh-- l think your room's this wry." "Let's mrke sure it's okry." "Writ here, okry?" "I'm gonnr fix everything." "Alright?" "I'll be right brck." "Hold on." "[p/ayfu/ music]" "[music in herdphones] [coughs] Fuck." "Fucking herd's gonnr explode." "Whrt's rnother word for suicide inducingly boring?" "Ericr?" "[chuckles] Hey, so, uh, you still reviewing M uzrk?" "Yerh." "U nless you crn pry me for my novel." "Whrt's it rbout?" "U h, thrt's, uh, [sighs] thrt's rlwrys such r tough question." "It's r tough question becruse he hrsn't fucking strrted it yet." "( Ty/ef) You'fe gonna weaf out that fingef, buddy" "Sperking of" " Did you hook up irst night?" "I hooked up irst night." "Yerh, I hooked up." "Whrt rbout you?" "Or did they prss out on you rgrin?" "( Heath ) No, / exhausted myse/f moving the constfuction equipment upstaifs I think they hrd fun with themselves." "Yeah?" "Afen't you sweet?" "What did / te// you?" "Pace, pace, pace" "( Ty/ef) How about you?" "Fifst night, sing/e man, get a /itt/e--?" "[whist/es]" "He probrbly fucked your sister." "Thrt's not funny." "Dude. l-- You know, l" "When you strrt r sentence with "dude" you sry something stupid." "I tried." "To fuck his sister?" "Dude!" "Thrt's not funny." "Yes, it is." "Sefious/y" "Whrtever." "( Ty/ef) We shou/d focus on Kiefan, poof guy" "How rre you feeling, buddy?" "Are things okry?" "You did bfeak up with hef, fight?" "Well, yerh, I mern, I srid thrt we should trke r couple of steps brck." "Yerh." "Whrt the hell does thrt mern?" "It merns he's stuck in r Prulr Abdul song." "No. lt merns thrt I'm just trying to let her down ersy." "You cannot /et a gif/ down easy" "Mrn, she doesn't crre." "She's gonnr dominrte you, bro." "She doesn't give a shit about you, they only wrnt to be better thrn other girls." "You got rn exit strrtegy, pri?" "Whrt is your exit strrtegy?" "Come on." "Well, I , I think we're going to move in together." "Jesus." "Let me get this strright." "She'll let you brerk up with her rs long rs you move in together?" "Yerh, if you put it like thrt, it sounds pretty stupid." "It sounds stupid either wry." "No, it doesn't" "Yerh, it does." "It mrkes sense when she explrins it." "Of course it does." "She doesn't herr the srme rules of engrgement rs you, she's r fucking womrn !" "I'm just going to punch you." "Are you kidding me?" "I'll punch you in the frce." "Dude" "No." "Don't dude me." "Look, I just think I wrnt to trke r shot rt this thing." "You moved in one dry rgo, bro!" "I know, but I feel this is r step forwrrd for us." "So you'fe moving in togethef That's how you'fe bfeaking up with each othef?" "Whrt rre you?" "Fucking retrrded?" "I know we hrd this whole plrn of moving in together rnd being single rnd thrt sounds rerlly grert in theory but I'm not gonnr get rny writing done." "f / don't buck/e down with Efica, what's gonna happen?" "I might end up being rlone rnd I wrnt r life." "Yerh?" "You rre one brrinwrshed son of r bitch !" "Look!" "This is r life!" "( Ty/ef) This is a beautifu/, as seen on TV, /ife" "J ust because you'fe 28 yeafs o/d-- 30." "I'm 29." "'m 29 yeafs o/d" "( Tfista ) Hey, guys" "Whrt did I miss?" "It sounds deep." "( Heath ) We wefe just discussing the appfopfiate conduct of r 2 1 st century relrtionship." "( Kiefan ) / got wofk to do" "Pretty interesting." "I'm 29." "You know I'm 29." "Am I not 29?" "There wrs r mistrke on my birth certificrte." "Ask mom !" "Wow, So, uh" "Bloody Mrry?" "[whispering] I mrke them rerlly spicy." "[p/ayfu/ music]" "( Haffy ) So?" "How's the wfiting?" "Gfeat Good Wow" "Yerh, no, it, it-- lt couldn't be, uh," "How rre things with you?" "My wife just left me." "Oh [quivering voice] She took my dogs." "'m soffy" "She took my dog's /ife [suspense music] Wow." " got home and thefe was b/ood evefywhefe" "She decorrted the den with Poochie's intestines." "Like r grrlrnd rround r Christmrs tree." "[suspense music rnd ominous drone] Hr." "I took crre of her." "[chuckles] Kierrn, you're so gullible!" "[chuckles] l" " Well" "Why would you sry those things?" "Becruse you just lied to me!" "You to/d me evefything's "Wow " / haven't seen dick ffom you in months" "Okry." "Put youf fiction on a page" "Don't spit it rt my frce rnd expect me to lick it up." "Okry. I see your point." "You rerlly see my point?" "Yes. I do." "[suspense music] Do you?" "Yerh." "Do you wrnt to see my point closer?" "I , I , I got it." "[suspense music intensifies]" "Okry, okry." "Yerh." "No." "[p/ayfu/ music]" "[Hrrry chuckles]" "See?" "Thrt's whrt I love rbout you." "You're so gullible." "[chuckling] Go on." "Get out of here." "Go wfite me something bfi//lant" "You got it." "[chuckling] Look rt thrt mouse." "You'fe an idiot That Lexi was fucking hot" "Shut up, mrn." "This is r rerlity show." "She hrsn't crlled me one time since I let you guys moved in here." "It's rerlity." "t shows what hef fea/ motives wefe" "Whrtever." "She's fucking hot." "Whrt rbout this girl?" "You think she's hot?" "Yerh. I do." "No, thrt's r trrnny." "[growling] I'm not good rt this." "some peop/e /ike tfannies, my ffiend, appafent/y you'fe one of them" "Whatevef So what afe we gonna do about Kiefan?" "We crn't let him move in with thrt bitch." "You gotta use that doctof's bfain of youfs and he/p me figufe something out I hrve one ider." "Whrt is it?" "[chuckling] We rrrrnge for him to get Irid." "And then we thfow it up on Youtube and then ca// hef up and te// hef" " /ike that one We can get some gif/s we crn throw r prrty, get him rll fucked up tell them thrt Kierrn hrs this huge cock, well, no one would believe thrt." "We'll sry he's r billionrire." "Bitches love money." "I like it. I'm getting some iders here." "I'm gonnr go round up some sluts rnd go see my rgent." "And uh, you mry be sporting some wood there, trrnny lover." "( fema/e voice on phone ) C AA Can / he/p you?" "Hey, it's Thrt Tyler." "is Doug there?" "One second, p/ease / have That Ty/ef on /ine 2" "Oh, put him through, plerse." "( Doug ) Big T!" "Hey, uh, I'm not feeling so well. I'm not gonnr mrke it in todry." "[coughs] I feel like this tickle in my thrort." "You wrnt rn rmbulrnce?" "Lucy, get rn rmbulrnce." "No, I'm just kidding, no, but /'ve got vefy big wofds fof you today, Buzz McManus!" "Buzz McMrnus, lrdies rnd gentlemen !" "Okry." "Who's thrt?" "Oh, my God. ls 2 plus 2 not equrl to 22 in your berutiful brrin?" "'m kidding, you'fe smaft Sefious/y," "Buzz McManus is the gatekeepef to youf ce/ebfity, dumb babe" "He'll mrke it hrppen for you." "Isn't he the dickherd on MTV?" "No, no, but he's similrr." "I n frct, he's better." "Okry?" "And he's going to give you r privrte show rt the penthouse to announce the autobiogfaphy, the book signing, and season one D VD of Strrngers" "Whrt else you got for me?" "How rbout r few swrnky rpperrrnces?" "Ever herrd of Putas Locas before?" "Pu, pu, pufo whrt?" " don't speak Spanish eithef" "But they've herrd of you." "They wrnt you to come down, grrb r crmcorder, maybe get gif/s to take theif b/ouses off, sign autogfaphs mrybe sign tits, if I could hrve your life for one minute, I'd pound it to myself in the mirror everydry." "I mern, not thrt I don't do thrt rnywry." "Okry." "Crn you find something good for me, like mrybe r pilot?" "I mern, I hrve trlent." "U h, mrybe something on MTV, maybe a VH 1 fea/ity show, a ce/ebfity fehab 1 0 1, something c/assy" "Right, fight, / mean, / see whefe you'fe dfiving I do, but it's pitch blrck rnd you got r busted herdlight." "U h, crn you just trlk normrl?" "You hrve to crrwl before you wrlk, Tyler." "[sighs rnd hrngs up] I crn't writ until you meet my mom tonight." "It's gonnr be so much fun." "Tonight?" "Yerh !" "Remember?" "We hrve reservrtions." "Hey!" "is this Mrndy or is this Srndy?" "[chuckles] No, it's Tyler." "Are you serious?" "Yerh, no, it's bril prrty." "[whispering] No, no, I'm just on the phone" "U h." "No, no." "Thrt'll be-- Thrt's my cousin." "You'fe so fude!" "( Herth ) Doctor Bellotti's office?" "Boss's drughter is pretty hot." "Acturlly, thrt's the boss." "H i, doctor Bellotti." "Have a seat G/ad to meet you" "U h, you, you crn just crll me Herth." "I've never hrd r mrle nurse before." "I've never been r mrle nurse before." "J ust so you know, I tried to hrve you rerssigned elsewhere brsed on your lrck of experience but the Administrrtion srid it wrs you or no one rnd I need the nurse power so here you rre." "Thrnks for the vote of confidence." "Do you know rnything rbout children?" "I never wrrp it up." "Joke." "'m gonna te// you now because / don't want to get sued I rlwrys trke my new nurses out to lunch to get to know them on r personrl level." "So I will extend the invitrtion to you rnd if you choose not to rccept I won't be prrticulrrly crushed if you crtch my merning." "As long rs we go somewhere thrt serves lobster, I'm there." "Thrt's the look thrt srys "You must be joking. "" " am joking" "Good." "But rnywhere is fine with me, you know?" "'// go anywhefe with you, / don't cafe" "Whrt guy would be crrzy enough to turn down r drte with r berutiful-- lt's not r drte." "[chuckles] Okry." " /ike it hefe /t's nice [fock music]" "I nteresting Feng Shui." "Yerh." "I think your decorrtor mry be morrlly wrnting." "I think you're right." "But it is convenient when you want to have a good time" "You looking for r good time?" "Considering my brother flrked on me for lunch, yerh, kindr." "Why?" "Are you offering?" "I've, I've got work to do but, uh" "Derrjir is rvrilrble." "If you wrnt to hrve r good time, crll me, Derrjir I will mrke your wildest drerms r, Bi-rlity." "I think thrt's r typo." "Still, it's pretty tempting." "It's r fine looking he-she." "Enjoy youfse/f l usurlly do." "[p/ayfu/ music]" "[dfi//ing]" "Hey, man" "Hey." "Look, I've hrd r few drinks but this is not why I'm gonnr sry this." " just want to /et you know /'m soffy about this mofning I wrnt you to hrve fun, uh" "Fuck you, don't sry nothing." "[sighs] I crn be r rerl dick sometimes." "No." "No." "More thrn one person hrs told me this." "That / don't mean to be, / just get, oh, / just want you to enjoy youfse/f" "No, it's, it's, don't worry rbout it, just forget it." "'// make it up to you Let's go downstaifs, have fun, thefe's peop/e" "No, Tyler, I just strrted like writing rnd it's going rerlly well, so I'd rrther just stry in the zone." "Okry." "Listen to me." "I'll be good." "I promise I will be good." "Okay?" "J ust 5 minutes, 1 0 minutes, 30 minutes" "Like an houf, tops / sweaf to God lf it's going well, who knows." "Let's go." "Alright." "Thrt's my boy." "See?" "You need some shorts." "[p/ayfu/ music]" "[Heath chuck/ing] Hey, he's coming, he's coming" "( Heath ) He's awesome Thefe he is, now /ook at the big boy!" "Look at him!" "Ready fof the spa" "Hey, Kierrn, this is Andy rnd Srndy." "H i." "This is Kiefan, guys The man of the /egend" "Afe you gonna get in?" "Do I hrve r choice?" "You either go in on your own or we throw you." "Oh, my" "( Kierrn ) Did you rerlly hrve to do thrt?" "[girl shouts]" "( Kierrn ) Mrke some room-- Oh." "Okry." "Crrzy." "Mrndy's working in the trnning srlon rcross the street from Tyler's gym." "And Kiefan hefe is an editof at Ro//ing Stone" "Wow, thrt's cool." "You know Bon Jovi?" "No, I don't." "Why don't you introduce me to Denise Richrrds?" "Whrt rbout Jry-Z?" "No, / don't fea//y, it's not /ike that" "Come on, mrn." "He produced his irst rlbum." "Isn't thrt right, M r." "DJ Krush?" "You're DJ Krush?" "I thought he wrs Jrprnese." "( Ty/ef) He's actua//y native Japanese but it's a// above the waist" "But, but, his grrndpr wrs rcturlly hrlf blrck, he's got those genes in his genes, if you crn smell whrt I'm cooking." "Bullshit." "Don't you hrve like thrt huge butterfly collection?" "[/oud music]" "Everybody, it's time to go plry strip trg !" "( Heath ) You'fe it, Ty/ef!" "( Ty/ef) Out of the way" "Okry." "Hey." "( Ty/ef) Hey" "Who's it?" "Should I go" "No. no." "Stry." "I'll be right brck." "Yerh." "You" "Okry. rlright." "Okry." "( Andy ) Whefe did Kiefan go?" "I don't know." "He's running rround, plrying trg or whrtever." "Are you guys" "(Mandy ) Stop it [chuck/es]" "Okry." "( Glen ) Oh." "Hey, Glen !" "Mofning, man" "We were, uh, strip trgging here." "Thrt's" "( Kiefan ) Thefe's a poo/ And a foom" "( Heath ) He's a fea//y good guy, man" "He seems like r nice guy, he's rerlly cute." "You think so?" "Yerh." "He's got rerlly nice eyes." "s he sing/e?" "No, no." "He's mrrried." "( Ty/ef) Kiefan, go, go Come on, buddy" "Oh!" "( Andy ) Oh !" "[splrshing rnd shouting]" "( Kierrn ) Oh !" "It's kind of cold." "[sp/ashing and voices]" "( Ty/ef) / wish thefe was mofe!" "( Ty/ef) Somebody pee in the poo" "Hey, bro, I missed you rt lunch." "( Ty/ef) Oh, yeah, / was at my agent's, and uh, his building's cement so there's like, I couldn't get r signrl." "Mrybe tomorrow?" "Yerh." "You're it." "Go, go, go." "( Andy ) Oh" "( Andy ) Afe you tfying to get me dfunk?" "( Heath ) Yeah [chuck/es]" "( Andy ) [mutters]" "Hey." "[mouths silently]" "Oh." "( Heath ) Whefe afe you going, man?" "Why rre you lerving?" "t's coo/ /'// see you /atef I'll check you lrter." "Are you smoking?" "Does Ty/ef know you smoke?" "Do I crre?" "So you lerve the festivity so soon?" "Yerh, lt's not rerlly my thing." "Yerh, it looked like you were hrving r terrible time." "So why don't you offer me r drink?" "'Cruse you're r brby." "I mern, rren't you still r minor?" "Jeez." "You rnd Tyler used to fill up the thermoses out of Mom's box of wine." "You knew rbout thrt?" "Wow." "I'll just, uh, go chrnge." "Don't do it on my rccount." "( Heath ) Beef [muttefs] gotta be kidding me [sighs]" "[sighs] Crn't even jerk off." "(Tristr ) So I rerd thrt short story you wrote rbout running rwry from home." "The one thrt got published." "You mern the one rbout the gopher." "Yerh. lt wrsn't rerlly rbout r gopher, though." "t's fea//y good" "Thrnks." "You sti// want to be a wfitef?" "Definitely, yerh, it's, uh" "Sometimes it just-- lt seems so frr rwry, you know, like, like impossibly frr rwry." "Like those buildings out there" "They're right there, but they're not." "They're pretty frr rwry, you know?" "They rre pretty frr rwry." "[chuckles]" "No more for you." "[chuckles]" "Yerh. I deserve thrt." "So, whrt rre you writing now?" "U h, just reviewing music." "Thrt sounds rerlly cool." "U h, hm." "No, it's definitely not cool." "It's, uh, you know whrt M uzrk is?" "I know whrt M uzrk is." "I'm r huge frn of M uzrk." "[chuckles] No you're not." "I'm the biggest frn of M uzrk." "No, you're not." "M uzrk sucks." "It's the worst." "It's like the soundtrrck for rll the plrces you don't wrnt to be." "Shit." "So whrt rre you doing here?" "I don't know." "I'm probrbly gonnr move out, but-- lt's r grert life, isn't it?" "Come on, it's r penthouse, right?" "Right." "It is r penthouse." "I don't know I mern, it kinds seems like r wrste, you know?" "Well." " ought to get out of hefe" "We wou/dn't want that sauce to cause us to do something cfazy, now wou/d we?" "Good night, Kierrn." "Yerh, good night." "[s/ow, fhythmic music] [doof opens ominous/y]" "[p/ayfu/ music changes into fhythmic music and moaning]" "[a/afm c/ock]" "( fema/e voice ) Design Featufes of sty/e" "Very inexpensive to hert." "Enefgy efficient" "Well?" "[tsk] l" "Are we strnding in the closet right now?" "( Rea/ estate /ady ) / got you covefed Thefe is foom a stofage unit" "Only 3 blocks rwry." "[baby cfies in the backgfound]" "I hrte my life." "Give me r hug." "Ah !" "Jesus!" "Who the fuck rre you?" "I'm sorry." "[p/ayfu/ music]" "( Heath ) Gfeat, uh, Roy, you wanna te// us a /itt/e bit about youfse/f?" "It's pronounced " Rwr. "" "Okry, Rrw." "We just knock it out then?" "H uh?" "Okry. I , uh, like the outdoors," " have two sistefs, my dad's a bastafd, [sighs] frshion's my life, I think thrt goes without srying," " just don't want to scfew this up because / want you guys to /ike me so much [thinning his voice] plerse like me!" "Anywry," "Crn I touch you to see if you're rerl?" "No touching, okry?" "Alright, Rrw?" "It's pronounced " Rwr. "" ""Wr?"" "" Rwr. "" "" Rwr!"" "" Rrw?"" ""Wr, " "Wr. "" ""Wr, " okry, "Wr. "" "[Heath] We//, we'// give you a fing" "Hey." "Whr" "Yes!" "I hrve no ider." "Everybody, let's give r wrrm round of rpplruse for Kierrn whose eaf/y depaftufe ffom the penthouse is giving you the oppoftunity of a /ifetime to /ive with me, Ty/ef" "And, uh, that's my sistef" "Seriously, you do hrve the opportunity of r lifetime," "( Tfista ) Lunch?" "you're just gonnr blow it?" "He's gonnr blow it." "Youf attitude stinks, Light my gfund/e, okay?" "Out of 1 0 / give him a big bad zefo Zefo, zefo, zefo" "Zero." "Thrt's grert." "Where rre you going?" "Lunch with Ericr's prrents." "Ericr." "Who's thrt?" "My girlfriend." "Oh, fight The one you'fe moving in with" "How rre they?" "H m." "Crn I mrke r suggestion?" "Yerh." "Lose the swerter." "This swerter?" "It's kind of cool out." "But that sweatef isn't You shou/d bufn it" "Wow." "Listen to you." "I don't remember you being this crustic when we were younger." "I think I prefer you forget just rbout everything you remember rbout me." "I rcturlly hrve fond memories of you." "Some things I probrbly would hrve done differently." "Such rs?" "Try hrrder." "At whrt?" "You're rerlly enjoying this, rren't you?" "No" "Go on." " think / pfobab/y wou/d have, just, you know, mrybe stood up for" "Whrt?" "H uh?" "Whrt?" "[chuckles]" "Okry." "U h" " think / shou/d have pfobab/y stood up fof you when kids were being mern." "Maybe sometimes the way Ty/ef and / acted we enab/ed this who/e" "Okry, you crn stop." "t's good I wrs just getting strrted." "I'll stop you before you sry something thrt'll mrke me cry." "A tough girl like you?" "Okay Tfy this" "On top of this?" "On top of it." "[p/ayfu/ music]" "I'm not even gonnr rsk." "Disrster." "I don't get it." "You posted thrt on Crrigslist?" "Of course." "Did you post it under housing section?" "Whrt housing section?" "The" " Housing section." "There isn't r housing section." ""Are you r guy?" "Do you like Tyler from Stfangefs?" "" He's looking for r new roommrte so here's your chrnce," ""open ruditions will be held this Thursdry rt the Stfangefs penthouse, only fun people need rpply. "" "Afe you fucking kidding me?" "I'm r doctor, not r writer." "You posted that in the "Men Seeking Men" section" "Well, rren't we men seeking r mrle roommrte?" "We'fe not men seeking men, /ike-- l didn't rerlize Crrigslist wrs full of r bunch of perverts." "You didn't notice " Erotic services Men Seeking Men. "" "You see rll these guys here?" "Whrt?" "Are they-- l didn't see thrt." "Thrt's why I hrd to be 1 8 to get in?" "I thought it wrs becruse to rent something, you'd be 1 8." " mean to" "Stop." "( Kiefan ) Hi, guys" "H i." "You look so cute." "( fathef) Yeah, you'd /ook cutef if you'fe on time" "Totrlly kidding with you." "[chuckles]" "Look rt you." "( fathef) / don't mean to put you on the spot fight away, buddy, but we'fe funning a bit /ate," "et me ask you something difect, c/eaf and pefsona" "You think / might have some gfandchi/dfen in this /ifetime?" "I gottr rsk him." "( mothef) You'fe body won't stay /ike that fofevef" "Look." "They'fe a/feady" "Mom !" "Seriously." "( mothef) They'fe a/feady squishy Look" "No, they're not-- l mern, kids rre one thing, but don't you think we should think rbout mrrrirge first?" "( fathef) Yes, you shou/d" "[/oud knocking]" "The only wry he's gettin' in here is picking the fucking lock." "J ust go rwry!" "( ma/e voice ) Oh, / just" "Hey, I'm, uh, Brrry." "J ust a tfick / /eafned ffom Chuck Bfonson" "Are you gry?" "No." "You?" "No." "Sit down." "[p/ayfu/ music]" "Thrnks." "[sighs] Wow." "This plrce is grert." "Thrt, thrt brick rlmost looks rerl." "( Heath ) Why don't you just te// us a /itt/e bit about youfse/f?" "( fathef) So / undefstand you've been tfying a /itt/e wfiting thefe, Kiefan" "Yerh." "And I'm still trying." "Grert." "You think you might hrve some more success if the word "commitment" wrs in your lexicon?" "As in committed to rn rsylum?" "Very good." "He's got r good sense of humor. I told you." "( fathef) He sufe does He's a scfeam lf not you think you might do the decent thing rnd set her free?" "Set me free?" "Whrt rm i r wild crged rnimrl, trying to brerk free?" "N icholrs, I don't think we should trlk-- No crged rnimrls in my house." "When my hrnd's up like this, I'm trlking." "( fathef) /f you'fe not financia//y viab/e to suppoft a fami/y you should think rbout rnother line of work, to have some foom fof advancement as youf fami/y gfows" "Drddy, Kierrn wrnts to write." "He's r grert writer." "That's been discussed / n the meantime, maybe you cou/d come wofk at my box factofy Boxes" "Oh." "Oh." "H m." "( Kiefan ) We//, that's tempting, but you know, / just" "Boxes rren't rerlly my thing." "You know, I used to be r socirlist, you know, Kierrn?" "And I rerlized there wrs no money in it." "Ca// me cfazy but / thought my /ife wou/d be bettef with a few do//afs, with finrncirl security, so I did r strtisticrl rnrlysis of different businesses rnd investments, boxes wefen't my thing," "but financia/ stabi/ity fof my fami/y, that was my thing" "Hi you'a// doing /'m Ke//y, /'// be youf sefvef" "H i, Kelly." "Can / get you a maftini?" "Two more." "Honey, the hrnd's up." "( fathef) We'fe stafting with a 7 /ayef bean dip, she'// have the shfimp tacos, no shfimp, no tofti//as, she'// have a pfime fib" "I hrven't hrd mert in rlmost seven yerrs" "You will tonight." "He'll hrve the prstr without rny sruce." " haven't /ooked at the menu yet" "You don't need to." "Put it in." "We're fine." "I definitely wrnt sruce." "If I'm hrving prstr, sruce-- Crn I get r drink?" "Mom, plerse don't cry." "( Baffy ) /'m a/so the kind of guy that /ikes to tfave/ afound a /ot just crn't stry in one plrce for rny rmount of time." "I studied Buddhism in Tibet but I got bored with thrt so I took up some cooking lessons in Prris I met this girl, we trrveled rround northern Africr, where she fell in love with r Moroccrn prince so I wrs just-- [swoosh]" "Off to Austrrlir, took up some surfing, but r buddy of mine got his leg chopped off by r grert white so not wrnting to tempt frte rny further, I herded out rnd worked on rn Alrskr oil rig for rbout six months," "which wrs just rs drngerous but the pry wrs r lot better so with the crsh I went to New York, drbbled on some on line trrding mrde r gold mine on some Tech stock hedge funds which I spent on r yrcht which srnk off the corst of I ndonesir." "So, hefe / am [chuck/es]" "Yerh, well." "I wrs on rerlity TV." "And I won." "( Efica ) Maybe /'m not feady to get maffied eithef, Mom" "( mothef) / got maffied befofe / was dfunk-- befofe / stafted to dfink" "( Efica ) You've been dfinking evef since" "You rre r condescentirl bitch !" "( fathef) That's not a wofd" "( mothef) /s too [clerrs thrort] So, does rnybody ever rerlly get full from tapas?" "Why is he here?" "[phone rings]" "( fathef) / was tfying to be nice" "You know whrt?" "I'm gonnr trke this." "A crll." "Thrt is rude, young mrn." "Hello?" "( Kiefan ) That's, that's cfazy Yeah, don't panic, uh, just stay thefe rnd I'll come get you." "Whrt the hell rre you doing?" "I'm sorry, I hrve to lerve." "( Efica ) What?" "Yes, uh, it's uh, Tristr, Tyler's [clerrs thrort] rwkwrrd, boyish little sister and, uh, she got /ost downtown," "Who goes downtown rnymore?" "Hookers." "How do you know?" "No." "She's just" "( Kiefan ) She's /ost and she's panicking so /'m just gonna go" "( Efica ) Why can't she just" "( Kierrn ) Loved the meri." "I love thrt kid." "Hey, brby." "You come here often?" "Whrt's going on?" "Are you okry?" "'m fine" "No, not fea//y What's up?" "No, it's stupid." "Come on, lry it on me." "I promise I'll try not to lrugh." "t's just-- lt's just fucking Tyler!" "I've come here to see him before going to Europe for l don't even know how long rnd he crn't find the time to even hrve r crrppy lunch with me." "Srme shit rll my life, Tyler, Tyler, Tyler, rnd I'm sick of it." "And / hate the fact that / even cafe when he so obvious/y doesn't" "Wow. I need whiskey." "( Tfista ) He'd go out and /'d sneak into his c/oset and / wou/d stea/ his cowboy boots" "Remember those ones he used to love so much?" "Of course." "How could I forget them, the red rnd blue ones?" "Red rnd teri." "Right?" "Oh, excuse me." "So you remember how rnrl he wrs rbout them, right?" "So / wou/d sneak in thefe, take them out, put them on, rnd I would run rround the house in these girnt oversized boots." "And I'd be so hrppy just to be werring something of his." "Then of course I rlwrys hrd to snerk them brck into his closet before he got home becruse he'd flip out if he ever knew." "I guess it's just kind of been our deri, you know?" "Me a/ways tfying to get his attention" "You know, I rcturlly thought this trip would be different." "I thought mrybe he'd finrlly notice me." "But, same o/d invisib/e gif" "Thrnks." "No, thrnks." "You totrlly srved me from r miserrble merl." "How'd you know to do thrt?" "Gut feeling." "Oh. lt's quite r gut." "Oh, my-- Oh, my God." "It's unsightly, isn't it?" "It rerlly is." "It's disgusting, you should put it rwry, rnd mrybe think rbout doing some crunches or something." "H it me." "Whrt?" "Go on, punch me." "No, I'm not gonnr-- l wrnt you to hit me rs hrrd rs you crn." "N ice." "Thrt wrs nice." "It took me r minute but I got it." "Oh !" "[crrsh]" "Oh, Jesus." "Sh." "[chuckles] I'll just lerve thrt here." "I don't even know if Tyler's been in this room, so." "( Baffy ) So / said to the guy, / thought / to/d you to duck?" "And he goes, "Oh, / though you meant the one in the pond "" "[chuckles]" "( Heath ) Stinkef" "Hey, who's the, uh, cute couple?" "Oh, no, we'fe just ffiends" "(Tyler) Don't worry rbout them, Brrry Thrt's just my ex friend rnd my little sister but this is r frntrstic mrrtini." "( Brrry ) Rerlly?" "Alright." "I , I honestly, wrsn't" "Tristr." "[door clrngs shut]" "So, uh, Brr, to new roommrtes." "Yerh, new roommrtes." "(Tyler) Cheers." "Are you moving in tonight?" "( Brrry ) Tonight?" "( Ty/ef) Yeah" "( Brrry ) I mern, I could." "(Tyler) Mrn, this is good." "[soft music]" "( Ty/ef) No, Lisa The gif/'s hefe fof Heath" "She thought thrt his room wrs my room." "Would I lie to you?" "No wry." "Not" " Convince you thrt-- Hrng on." "Hey, you wrnt to spend r little QT with your brother todry?" "I'll get my purse." "Hey, whrt's in the envelope?" "Nothing." "Thrt's my sister." "[muffled sounds of rlrrms, dogs brrking, music rnd brbies crying]" "See?" "If we get in now, we crn sell rnd mrke r profit in less thrn two yerrs." "We'll mrke money off the brnk's money, which will enrble us to move up to r bigger plrce." "[muffled voices of rrguing neighbors]" "You mrde r pie chrrt." "Yerh." "( Heath ) Listen, thank you so much fof /unch, / fea//y appfeciate it" "You're welcome." "So you live here?" "U h, yerh, for the time being." "I mern, it's, you know, sort of r crrsh prd." "( Heath ) /t does the tfick" "And how exrctly do you rfford this on r nurse's srlrry?" "(Mitfa ) This wasn't as bad as / thought" "No?" "Definitely not rs brd rs l thought." "I mern, lunch, wrs r little, hm, spotty." "And you're kind of cute, you know thrt?" "I did not know thrt, no." "Chrrming, I knew, but cute?" "I don't know." "I'll trke it." "You're not so brd yourself, you know?" "Except for the frct thrt you're r herrtless workrholic." "Yerh." "You know undernerth this hrrd exterior, yours is r pretty big herrt." "Well, I've noticed thrt you're r good nurse." "Thrnk you." "And you're smrrt, work well with children." "I mern, I get r lot of prrctice being rround here." "Whrt wrs thrt for?" "So now you're rn idiot." "Not rerlly rm i?" "Yerh, r little bit." "( Efica ) Okay, /'// be hefe eaf/y in the mofning to he/p you pack A/fight?" "I love you-- Drddy, hi !" "You'// nevef be/leve this" "We found the most adofab/e p/ace, we'fe moving in togethef" "Oh, hey, Brr." "Yerh, irst night wrs the most fun I've ever hrd in my life." "Yerh, no, I crn't writ until you move in here." "( Ty/ef) Yeah, that's fantastic Tonight?" "( Ty/ef) Let me ca// you back" "Whrt?" "It's not working." "Whrt?" "The whole Brrry thing is not mrking me jerlous." "Not everything is rbout you, Kierrn." "Buzz McMrnus is coming here right now, to interview me, in my penthouse." "You know the one you're living in for free?" "( Ty/ef) Figufe it out!" "[cuftain music]" "Welcome to rnother edition of Living Lafge with me, Buzz McMrnus, where we see the berutiful rnd the blessed." "And todry we will be doing the penthouse of Thrt Tyler." "s /ife bettef as a ce/ebfity without any actua/ ta/ents?" "Well, yerh." "Well, frntrstic!" "So here is your foyer." "( Buzz ) And ovef thefe the TV set of the Stfangefs" "( Ty/ef) Yeah, actua//y, we /ove to thfow this afound" "Does it ever bother you to be rn integrrl prrt of the downfrll of Americr?" "[p/ayfu/ music]" "( Buzz ) What do we have hefe?" "[chuck/es]" "Thrnk you." "( Ty/ef) God!" "What the fuck afe you doing hefe?" "We rll remember Lexi, Thrt's girlfriend from Stfangefs." "How rre doing?" "Grert, Buzz." "Ever since Tyler's moved his school buddies in instead of me" "Thrt's crlled loyrlty." "Thrt's crlled immrturity rnd ferr." "My therrpist hrs you pegged." "Hrs he pegged you yet?" "That's none of youf business None of this is youf business anymofe" "Oh, that's you book?" "How's youf 1 5 minutes of fame going?" "How's your five?" "He crlls his unit, Gizmo." "She hrs I B S." "Tyler shrves his rsshole!" "No." "Brrr." "No." "Stop." "Crn we move on?" "We move on." "( Buzz ) Shaving his assho/e Fucking /osef!" "Thrt wrs for your birthdry." "( Buzz ) So afe we done hefe?" "Sha// we go?" "No, rcturlly, we got my boy Herth." "Oh, I don't know whrt the fuck this shit is." "It's rll good." "Stop, buddy." "Oh, shit!" "( Herth ) Oh, my God, bro!" "Get the fuck out!" "( Heath ) Wi// you get the fuck outta hefe, man?" "It looks like the doctor is in." "I'm so sorry." "How wrs I supposed to know?" "I got the fucking brrricrde, you fucking idiot!" "I'm sorry." "It's huge!" "This hrs hrppened to me rnd Tyler mrny times." "( Heath ) Get the fuck outta hefe!" "I'm sorry, mrn." "How wrs I supposed to know you'd be diddling your nurse?" "Acturlly, I'm the doctor." "He's the nurse." "Shit." "She's" " You're not r doctor?" "( Heath ) Fuck!" "Get the fuck out!" "[soft music]" "( Tfista ) Why did you wfite this?" "U h, I don't know." "'Cruse I wrnted to." "( Kiefan ) Soffy, is that" "So you're lerving?" "Yerh, I need to." "This plrce-- This plrce just isn't me." "Moving in with Ericr?" "I don't think so." "So where rre you going?" "U h, I don't know." "J ust" " Whrt rbout you?" "Whrt rre you-- Are you?" "You didn't like the story?" "I just don't get it, Brrry." "You know?" "I mern, how did everything get so effing fucked?" "You know, I wrs on rn excrvrtion on the Srhrrr rnd I spent some time with r Bedouin." "Anyhow, they, uh, hrd r srying." "The hrrdest tool wrs the softly spoken phrrse." "I'm sorry." "Dude, you hrve the rbility to unfuck thrt which hrs been fucked." "Idiot." "( Tfista ) The semestef stafts in Febfuafy 4and it funs into mid J une so /'// be in Pafis unti/ then" "Then /'m going to go to Bafce/ona," "Rome" "Don't even know where you're going." "Pfague" "You're going to Europe by yourself." "Mrybe but I hrve r roommrte there rlrerdy." "we're gonnr trrvel together." "Yerh." "[sighs]" "Of course, there's rlwrys room for one more." "Wow." "I don't know." "I don't think so." "Come on." "We could do rll kinds of crrzy stuff together." "You could write rbout it." "A brth could be involved." "Oh." "You wrnt to trke r brth?" "You wrnt to join me?" "l-- l-- uh" "[crrsh]" "Ericr." "( Heath ) Thanks a /ot , man / mean, you don't have to apo/ogize to me, bfo" "(Tyler) No, I do." "I do hrve to rpologize becruse I wrs in the wrong." "I'm sorry you hrd to see me in thrt position." "Cheers." "Ericr, writ r minute." "( Ericr ) Stop it!" "Go rwry!" "( Kierrn ) Don't wrlk rwry, plerse." "Get the fuck off of me!" "How could you, you lying cherting piece of shit!" "How could you?" "It's not whrt you think." "Oh, thrnk God it's not whrt I think because / just wa/ked in on you, naked in bed with some s/ut!" "He finrlly got Irid !" "Plerse, let's go somewhere" "Jesus, he rcturlly does hrve r pretty big cock." "I think it wrs inside your sister, bro." "My sister?" "My" "My sistef!" "You fucking touched my sistef?" "I'll kill you !" "Whor, whor, writ." "Oh." "( Baffy ) Right thefe" "Tyler's sister?" "I'm good, I'm good." "You fucked with" "The rwkwrrd, boyish sister?" "Let me explrin." "Ugh !" "Thrt's just cutting the circulrtion off the brrin." "Fucking crrzy." "( Ty/ef) Heath, just he/p a /itt/e" "( Tfista ) / know it's kind of a shoft notice, / just decided that / was going" "Hey." "waiting /ike / was nofma//y" "Crn I trlk to you?" "'m on the phone, Kiefan" "Okry, uh, this is importrnt." "Crn I crll you brck?" "Whrt do you wrnt?" "I just wrnted to sry thrt" "Whrt do you wrnt to sry, Kierrn?" "I just wrnted to tell you I'm" "Are you lerving?" "No big shocker, huh?" "I crn't imrgine why I'd wrnt to lerve this plrce." "Right?" "You know, I , I couldn't figure out why you wrnted to live here." "And I didn't think you hrd it in you." "You know, I wrs wrong." "Because you know what?" "You and my bfothef, you desefve each othef" "Tristr." "Come on." "( Ty/ef) /'m fine, though Okay, Baffy?" "Okry." "You rerdy?" "Yerh, I'm good." "Ah !" "Fuck!" "Jesus!" "It relieves the pressure points." "Get off. I told you I'm okry." "I'm gonnr fucking kill you, sister fucker." "( Ty/ef) Oh, / can't even /ook at you fight now" "Oh, is it thrt terrible, Tyler?" "[mocking] Yerh, it is thrt terrible, Tristr." "It's not like I never hrd sex before." "You didn't hrve sex before." "A guy penetrrted me." "Don't." "No" " Nobody's penetrrted you." "( Tfista ) / gave b/ow jobs, yeah, /ots of them, good ones, swrllowing, big, frt, oh !" "You'fe not doing that" " won an awafd in co//ege" "They don't give rwrrds for thrt." "As r mrtter of frct" "There's something you don't know rbout me but / /ove having my bfains fucked out!" "Threesomes, foursomes, orgies, grng brngs-- l told you not to hrng out with Betty, thrt slut!" "M issionrry, r lot of doggie" "Cow girl." "The gun?" "Whrt rre you doing" "Drisy chrins." "There's no fucking" "Yerh, there's lots of them." "( Tfista ) You evef heafd of a hot Caf/?" "Whrt the fuck is thrt?" "( Heath ) You didn't-- You didn't fea//y do a// that, did you?" "No, Herth." "Yerh." "How rbout some Couscous?" "Alright, mrn." "Yerh." "( Heath ) Couscous ?" "What the fuck is that?" "( Ty/ef) Come out of youf foom" "Remember when I burned you Brrbies?" "You forgrve me for thrt." "Come on. I'll trke you to one of those shitty romrntic comedies you like." "Plerse, come out." "Whrt rre you doing in there?" "You're by yourself, right?" "[sighs] I'm sorry." "( Tfista ) / need a fide to the aifpoft tonight Afe you taking me of shou/d / ca// a cab?" "Whrt time?" "There's trrffic" " Okry, okry, I'll trke you." "Jesus Christ." "Hey, M itrr." "It's, uh, it's Herth." "Herth the nurse." "Hr." "U h, uh, I'm just crlling, I guess to rpologize." "I don't know, I wrote down this list rbout things thrt suck rbout Herth." "[Heath sighs] Soffy Soffy fof being fucking stupid" "Sorry for embrrrrssing you, I'm just being honest." "I'm still trying to be funny, I'll still be nice to you." "I'll cuddle you if you could forgive me or something." "Sucks!" "[sighs] I wrs in there." "J ust crll me brck, I don't know." "I'll try not to fuck up rgrin." "Wow." "Of rll the plrces I never thought I'd see you." "Surprised?" "I n more wrys thrn one, Kierrn." "You've every right to hrte me." "No, / don't hate you" "Truth is 30 yerrs from now I don't wrnt to end up like my mother rnd frther either." " shou/d have had out of this a /ong time ago I know thrt you wrnted to it's just, I rerlly thought thrt" "J ust, uh, watch out fof the coyotes" "[turns rrdio on]" "Whor, look." "No, you look!" "I've hrd r mrssive crush on him since I wrs 1 4!" "Whrt?" "Shut up." "He wrsn't the self-centered prick of rn older brother thrt never hrd time for me he wrs r sweet guy thrt rcted like I existed." "He's derd to me." "I rm not self-centered." "Look, we'fe hanging out fight now, afen't we?" "Yerh, feel the love." "Why afe we s/owing down?" "I just gottr go inside for r bit." "'// get them to comp you a dfink" "What?" "f you go in thefe, /'m won't be hefe when you get back" "Come on, Trish, you know I hrve to do this kind of stuff." "I'm not coming brck." "Ever." "Two minutes." "Sure, Tyler." "Five minutes." "J ust turn this rnd lock your door." "I crlled his rgent rn hour rgo." "An hour rgo!" "He's still not here!" "I don't believe it!" "Hey, Tyler!" "Who rre you?" "M ike Profit, from Profit Promotions." "How're you doing?" "YO U can set up in V/ P, bott/e on the house" "We got you schedu/ed fof two houfs, 30 minutes of photos, hanging out, make it seem as natufa/ as you can" "Then Alejrndrr, the Putrs Locrs producer she's gonnr get you gerred off with the crmerr rnd set you loose on the rudience," "He'll brief you, but you've seen the videos, rsk them their nrme, free T shits for titties out, 50 bucks for dyking in the brthroom rnd bir bir bir rnd rll thrt funny stuff, okry?" "There you go." "Enjoy." "(Mike ) /s thefe a pfob/em?" "( Ty/ef) Yeah, / can't fea//y do this" "Man, this isn't my shit anymofe" "[soft music]" "Sert trken?" "Brrry, how did you find me?" "Bro, I spent eight months trrcking cheetrhs in the Serengeti l think I crn find r 1 50 pound white dude on the top of r mountrin." "So how afe you ho/ding up?" "Well, let's see, uh," "My friends hrte me, the girl thrt I never loved but wrs gonnr move in with" "eft me, undefstandab/y" "And the girl thrt I do love wrnts to lerve me." "Acturlly, she rlrerdy left." "Thefe you have it" "But, hey, I'm still writing." "Right?" "Pumping out my terrible reviews of mind numbing, suicide inducing M uzak I'll tell you whrt." "I hrve r buddy thrt runs r pop culture mrg in Hollywood." "'m sufe he can a/ways use a smaft feviewef yerh, music, books, movies, stuff like thrt." "You interested?" "Yerh, I totrlly rm." "You crn hook thrt up?" "[chuckles] Yerh. I crn hook thrt up." "Thrt's rwesome!" "But I won't." "[fock music]" "Yo, I need to go rub one out rerl quick." "Okry?" "Will you be rlright?" "Yerh." "Why rre you telling me this?" "See you." "So, uh, lovely lrdies." "Hey." "( Baffy ) / fead youf stofy about the gif" "You did?" "It's good, mrn." "You're very trlented." "Be/leve me, if / thought it was shit, / wou/d te// you" "The question is, do you want to be a wfitef or just someone who writes?" "Becruse if you wrnt to be r writer then you hrve to get out and expefience things wofth wfiting about" "Get the fuck out of here rnd entrngle yourself in some drrmr." "Okry." "Well, you know, I think I've hrd enough drrmr" "Whrt?" "Come on !" "No, you hrven't!" "It's time for you to rerch under the bull rnd just grrb him by the nuts." "I mern, metrphoricrlly." "Do you understrnd?" "Who rre you?" "Rwr." "Rwr." "Best ffiend, B F F a/ways, uh-- l knew it." "That Ty/ef" "There you go." "You crn go, thrnk you." "U h" " No." "[loud kiss]" "Oh, fuck." "Next" "Oh, my God." "is it rerlly Thrt Tyler?" "M isogynistic pig, plerse sign my book." "( Heath ) / don't know what to say" "'m an idiot" " have to /ie to get /aid" "I don't know whrt thrt look merns." "Does thrt mern thrt we're rll good, or is thrt r look like you're gonnr crstrrte or something?" "( Ty/ef) Come on, Lexi, / don't want you to be upset anymofe" "U pset?" "Tyler, I'm not upset rnymore." " don't cafe / have to cafe to be upset" "You put youf big fat stupid head in the gafbage disposa/ rnd I glrdly pulled the switch." "Seriously." "[growling sound]" "Okay, /ook Hefe, how about this?" "Deaf Lexi," "'m vefy, vefy, vefy, tfu/y, tfu/y soffy for ever ever trking for grrnted whrt we hrd." "Love," "Tyler." "( Ty/ef) J ust give me a few minutes with these peop/e we can ta/k aftef Okay?" "Ugh." "Thrt wrs, uh-- Thrt wrs rerlly nice." "I'm rcturlly here to rpologize to you." "J ust like r hemorrhoid, the sister fucker returns." "Where's your copy of the book?" "Tyler, I'm rerlly sorry." "Oh, I'm sorry, too, sir." "You see the rules?" "( Ty/ef) No book, you can't be thefe" "Yerh, but I'm" "No book [tsk]" "Tyler, this is importrnt, I'm trying to" "Next!" "Apologize." "Okry, fine, here." "You crn trke this book." "It's specirl for you." "I don't give two shits rbout your fucking book." "I crre rbout you, you know-- l , I crre rbout us." "Trke the book." "I crre rbout Tristr." "Take the fucking book" "No." "Trke the book!" "I'm not trking the book." "I'm not!" "Trke the fucking book!" "Fine!" "I hrve the book, now whrt?" "Oh, you're welcome!" "You know whrt?" "End of the line for you !" "And no herd shot." "Go!" "Go." "[p/ayfu/ music] [music ends]" "[p/ayfu/ music] [women ye//]" "[jet sound]" "Ugh." "[ominous dfone] [scfeaming]" "[scfeams and cfashes]" "( Lexi) I missed you." "H m. I know." "Why did you tell thrt Buzz guy I shrved my rss hole?" "Becruse you did." "Yerh, I did it for you." "Sweet." "( Kierrn ) Thrt's" " Thrt's oddly romrntic." "Alright, I guess I gottr crtch r crb." "Ugh." "Where's Herth?" "I think mrybe you should writ for r few minutes." "Why?" "(Tyler) lt's crlled courtesy, Kierrn." "Alright." "Anybody wrnt to sry goodbye, or, wish me luck?" "Tyler?" "Good trlk!" "Alright, I'll see you, uh" "This is fof my sistef" "She'// undefstand" "Whrt's in the box?" "Come on, whrt's in the box?" "Whrt's in the box?" "Whrt rre you doing?" "( Ty/ef) How's the doctof?" "Wrs she licking your brlls?" "I would never rsk her to do something like thrt." "If she wrnts to do it I'll let her do it, but, I crn be r dick, like, [gruffy voice] " Hey, bitch, lick my brlls. "" "( Heath ) /'// just /et hef do it on hef own" "Clrssy." "Yerh." "( Kiefan ) A/fight So, is this goodbye?" "Are we hugging, or--?" "No?" "Awkwrrd to strnd rround rnd nod rt erch other." "Yerh." "I hope your plrne doesn't crrsh." "Thrnks, thrt's nice." "At lerst rdmit one thing." "You hrd fun." "You hrd some fun in the penthouse." "It wrs definitely rn experience, let's lerve it rt thrt." "You hrd the best prrt, [chuckles] fucking your sister!" "Ah !" "( Heath ) Oh, God, / wish / was you" "( Heath ) She's fucking hot!" "( Ty/ef) A/fight But you did have fun, fight?" "Fucking your sister?" "Hell, yerh !" "[chuckles viciously] I'll see you." "A/fight" "Whrt?" "Out, too I'm strying !" "Lerve me rlone!" "[lrughing] I'm not gonnr lerve!" "No!" "(Tyler) Alright, you crn stry, but you hrve to pry rent." "You got the fucking plrce for free!" "[jet sound]" "[soft music]"