"I'm never gonna get these useless lights untangled." "Those lights aren't useless, Sabrina." "They probably grew up underprivileged and never got a decent education." "Ho, ho, ho." "Merry Christmas." "Is everyone feeling jolly?" "Ooh, I'm just gonna chop 'em up into little pieces and leave 'em in a suitcase by the highway." "I'm going to broaden my definition of jolly and take that as a "yes."" "Well, the lawn is fully decorated and awash in lights." "I even put red noses on the flamingos." "That is a pretty stupid outfit." "Oh, yeah?" "Watch this." "SALEM:" "So it's true." "Taste does skip a generation." "Sabrina, why aren't you wearing the candy cane outfit that I got for you?" "Self-respect." "Ooh, that's it." "I'm giving these lights the finger." "There." "Oh, Sabrina, you didn't have to use magic." "The point of Christmas isn't to have things perfect." "It's to spend time with your family." "And frustration and cursing are just part of the joy." "Uh-oh." "Circuit overload." "Uh-huh." "Who's the stupid one now?" "Still you." "( upbeat rock theme playing )" "Wanna play some reindeer games?" "Look, the new '99 snowboards are sleeker, sturdier and faster than ever." "We know you want a snowboard, Salem." "And the threatening letters are not helping your case." "Love this line:" ""Makes a perfect Christmas gift."" "Man, that's good writing." "Wasn't the lawn, the roof, the living room enough?" "I mean, does our garbage disposal really have to be festive?" "Sabrina, you are a regular" "Charlie I-Hate-Christmas this year." "What gives?" "I like Christmas." "It's the constant need for family fun that's bringing me down." "Come on, get in the spirit." "Look at all those lights up there." "People are in the holiday spirit all over the world." "Look, there's our house, the brightest one of all." "I knew the all-neon Nativity scene would put us over the top." "Unfortunately, truckers keep stopping here for gas." "It's an invitation to a Christmas Eve party." "Wow, it's the Cauldron." "The hippest, most exclusive club in the Other Realm." "But Christmas Eve is the night we have our family dinner." "And that differs from every other night how?" "We use the good china." "( festive theme playing )" "Merry Christmas, everyone." "This is my mom." "She came all the way from Terre Haute to spend Christmas with me." "And in honor of her visit, I'm canceling all tests today." "( all cheer )" "BOTH:" "Merry Christmas." "Yeah, if you're into hyperbole." "What's wrong?" "Why is everyone so darn happy?" "Well, my mom's morning sickness is over, which means we'll be allowed to have gravy at Christmas." "Ooh, the whole family sitting around the table, slurping up thickened turkey drippings." "That sure says "Christmas" to me." "I know." "Heh." "Hey, and guess what." "My aunt just hired me at her boutique, and so far I don't stink." "Ever heard of nepotism?" "Jeez, Sabrina, you're being a real Charlie Downer." "Hey, this'll cheer you up." "Fred Exley just invited us to his Christmas party." "I could use a night away from my aunts." "We must have done everything Christmassy by now." "But you promised us that tonight you'd come a-caroling." "But I'd really rather go out partying." "But you promised." "Fine, I'll go don my gay apparel." "Is it just me, or have we been stringing popcorn for hours and getting nowhere?" "( Salem munching and gulping )" "Salem." "I'm only eating the popcorn because it helps me get the string down." "Well, what song shall we start with?" "Anything dirge-like." "ALL:" "¶ 'Tis the season ¶" "¶ To be jolly ¶" "¶ Fa, la, la, la, la La, la, la-- ¶" "( screams )" "What are you guys doing here?" "This is where the party is." "HARVEY:" "And we all came outside to make fun of the carolers, but now that we see it's you..." "Help me out here, Valerie." "They're making snowballs out back." "Run." "We'll try and hold 'em off." "We'll tell 'em you're lepers." "Go." "A party?" "What fun." "I bet they've got wassail." "No, no." "We don't have time." "I have to get to reconstructive surgery." "You know what?" "I don't think she's getting any better." "We've just got to double our efforts." "( "Jingle Bells" playing )" "¶ Dashing through the snow ¶" "¶ In a one-horse open sleigh ¶" "¶ Through the fields we go ¶" "¶ Laughing all the way ¶" "¶ Bells on bobtail ring ¶" "¶ Making spirits bright ¶" "¶ What fun it is To ride and sing ¶" "¶ A sleighing song tonight ¶" "¶ Oh, jingle bells Jingle bells ¶" "¶ Jingle all the way ¶" "¶ Oh, what fun it is to ride In a one-horse open sleigh ¶" "¶ Hey, jingle bells Jingle bells ¶" "¶ Jingle all the way ¶" "¶ Oh, what fun it is to ride In a one-horse open sleigh ¶" "¶ In a one-horse Open sleigh ¶" "It's Christmas Eve." "Everyone is out." "Time to see if there's a snowboard for Salem." "This could be it." "Great!" "No snowboard." "Huh?" "But that's kind of snowboardy-shaped." "Oh, oh, oh..." "( majestic theme playing )" "( door opens )" "Um, uh, hurry!" "We've been terrorized by the unwrapping bandit." "I must go call the police!" "Salem unwrap his presents again?" "You expected this year to be different?" "Wasn't that genius?" "The music." "The costumes." "The spectacle." "It was sublime." "Didn't you think so, Sabrina?" "Maybe I'm a little too old for Rugrats on Ice." "Triple our efforts?" "I vote for giving up." "What's this?" "Some delivery guy from the Other Realm dropped it off." "I didn't pay much attention because it had nothing to do with things that go fast in snow." "MAN:" "Yo, what's up?" "( rap music playing )" "¶ There's a Christmas Eve party In the Other Realm ¶" "¶ There's some cool Party people ¶" "¶ Who are at the helm ¶" "¶ You're sitting in the house And it's already started ¶" "¶ You was invited, girl Why ain't you departed?" "¶" "Peace." "Oh, man, the Other Realm Christmas Eve party." "If only I could get a little downtime from my aunts." "But I know they'll say no." "Yes." "Really?" "Sabrina, we've done everything we can think of to put you in the holiday spirit." "If you don't want to eat Christmas Eve dinner with us, then you should go." "She could have said goodbye." "( dance music playing over speakers )" "This is a private party." "I'm Sabrina Spellman." "I was invited." "Really?" "I don't see your name on this list." "Trying to zap our name on this list, are we?" "You are so bridge-and-tunnel." "Take her away." "Oh, but..." "MAN:" "Wait." "I invited her." "You invited her?" "Well, Harrison, if you say she's cool..." "She's very cool." "It's your job to know who's cool." "I-I'm sorry, Sabrina." "I didn't mean to..." "I" " I" " I mean, I thought that, uh..." "If" " If only I had, uh..." "I mean... ( sighing ):" "Oh." "I'm Harrison." "I organize the exclusive theme parties here at the Cauldron Club." "Oh, I love this place." "Finally, no red and green." "You're exactly the kind of person we wanted at this party." "Wait a minute, this isn't about selling Herbalife, is it?" "No, no, you're here because you hate all that family Christmas stuff and so does everyone else we invited." "Well, I don't hate it all." "The presents are nice." "( snaps fingers )" "Here, take a shot." "Ooh!" "I got him right in the eye." "When you hit the other eye, it actually bleeds." "How about that?" "SABRINA:" "A reindeer piñata?" "REINDEER:" "Oh, my spine!" "Tell Blitzen I love him!" "No, not the nose!" "Oh, that just seems wrong." "I knew you'd like it." "Come over here." "It's a satellite feed of families in the mortal realm celebrating Christmas Eve at this very moment." "It's priceless stuff." "Well, I'm really not into all this." "I mean, you know, not all traditions are bad." "For example, I like the tradition of... not doing this stuff." "( laughs )" "Look at these two broads." "Have you ever seen anything more pathetic?" "Let's make it more pathetic." "SABRINA:" "Aunt Hilda?" "Aunt Zelda?" "It's Sabrina." "She's come home for Christmas." "( all laugh )" "Oh, it's just the wind." "Those are my aunts." "And none of you are worthy to gaze upon them, you hipper-than-thou, tragically trendy, irony-addicted, snide, smirking, jaded jerks." "Give me that!" "Not the remote!" "You're not nearly as cool as I thought you were." "Well, I consider that a huge compliment." "Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to my "pathetic" Christmas." "How could you let Sabrina in here?" "Your job is to keep the uncool people out." "But you said..." "And then I thought..." "And then..." "Oh." "Aunt Hilda." "Aunt Zelda." "I've finally decided, after all that..." "MAN ( over TV ):" "With our contestants on-stage." "What we're looking for is..." "What happened to all the decorations?" "And your holiday dinner?" "Holiday?" "What holiday?" "Christmas?" "Christmas?" "What's Christmas?" "SABRINA:" "I get it." "You zapped away the decorations to make a point." "Okay, I've learned my lesson." "Now, let's go have our traditional Christmas Eve dinner and watch It's a Wonderful Life." "What is that, one of those new, teen slasher movies?" "Sabrina, you can't stay up late and watch TV." "It's a school night." "But tomorrow's December 25th." "I know, the start of midterms." "Oh, man, you guys aren't joking, are you?" "Come on, Christmas?" "Santa Claus?" "Reindeer?" "Little drummer boys?" "If you're trying to convince us that you have a fever, it's not working." "Most delusions are more coherent." "I admit we could all use a break." "But luckily, summer vacation is only seven months away." "And you need your rest." "Good night, Sabrina." "Good night." "And..." "Merry Christmas." "Christmas?" "Do think she's spending too much time on the Internet?" "Sabrina, what happened to Christmas?" "Salem, you remember?" "Whatever spell you've enacted doesn't affect witch familiars." "I enacted?" "I'm guessing you must have done something at that party in the Other Realm." "All I did was turn off the TV and storm out." "That wouldn't do anything." "Unless you used the remote and hit the erase button." "I did use the remote and I might have hit erase." "( sobbing ):" "Oh, no!" "It's gone!" "You've erased Christmas." "It was my favorite gift-getting holiday." "Wait a minute, we're jumping to conclusions." "I mean, maybe I didn't erase Christmas for the whole world." "Let's check." "Do you think maybe in a minute, the lights will go on and the whole world will yell "gotcha"?" "Sabrina, if you don't reverse the spell in 24 hours," "Christmas will be erased permanently." "How do you know that?" "Years ago, I was at a party in the Other Realm and I erased Bobunk." "I've never heard of it." "That's my point!" "I never did figure out how to reverse the spell, and Bobunk was gone forever." "Ah, the days of Bobunk." "Salem, I've got to find a way to bring the spirit of Christmas back." "Maybe if I start doing Christmassy things, people will start to remember." "That didn't work with Bobunk." "Stop saying Bobunk." "( door slams )" "Merry Christmas." "Oh, that again." "I'm sorry, I'm not up on the current hip lingo." "I made you breakfast." "We've got delicious Christmas food." "Here." "Some eggnog, a candy cane." "Give it a try." "Oh!" "Oh, that is disgusting." "Who ever heard of drinking an egg?" "( crunches ) Ah!" "Oh, I think I chipped my tooth." "I think I'm gonna be sick." "Feliz Navidad." "( rock theme playing )" "Merry December 25th, everyone." "Hey, guys." "There you go." "What's this for?" "It's December 25th." "A day to celebrate and feel merry, right?" "Are you kidding me?" "My aunt just fired me from her store." "She said it's her slow time of the year." "Now what am I gonna do for money?" "Thanks, Sabrina." "Hey, I'll sell you this for 5 bucks." "No, thanks." "My allowance got cut 'cause my dad's exterminating business isn't doing well." "Nobody has parties this time of year, so people don't care if their homes are riddled with insects." "Oh, Mrs. Quick, I got you a present." "Don't try and butter me up, Sabrina." "We're having that midterm today." "It'll do my heart good to watch the weaker brains explode in a fleshy, fiery eruption." "Mrs. Quick, this isn't like you." "Oh, you try working September to June without a break!" "( sobbing ):" "I miss my family." "Would a tie cheer you up?" "¶ Silent night ¶" "¶ Holy night ¶" "QUICK:" "Sabrina." "Stop that." "We need complete silence." "Well, that's why I thought" ""Silent Night" would be appropriate." "Never heard of that song." "Is it on the new Céline Dion album?" "( pencil tapping )" "Please be quiet and get back to your tests." "HARVEY:" "Open up!" "We want lunch!" "In the name of all that is greasy and deep-fried, open this door!" "Ah, if Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol doesn't jog people's memories, nothing will." "( indistinct chatter )" "Scrooge." "Ebenezer Scrooge." "I am your partner, Jacob Marley." "You'll be visited by three ghosts." "See, this is because she's hungry." "Why would somebody cut down a perfectly good tree and bring it indoors?" "Bah!" "Humbug!" "Please go away." "( high voice ):" "God bless us, everyone." "Sabrina, I'm afraid you're suspended until the proper mental health professionals have been contacted." "( normal voice ):" "But no one's had their Christmas goose." "Anybody want to sit on my lap?" "It could bring back a beloved holiday." "Hey, little girl, want to sit on my lap?" "You could tell me all the presents you want." "Come on, sit on my lap." "Come on, how could it hurt?" "Sit on my lap." "I said sit on my freaking lap." "Mommy, Mommy, Mommy!" "Oh, I can explain." "See, she was..." "And, uh, it's because I..." "Ugh!" "Is this your niece?" "I'm not sure." "She was in Grafton's department store causing a major disturbance." "I was gonna arrest her, but I decided to bring her here and put her in your custody." "Because you're so full of the holiday spirit?" "She's talking crazy." "Merry this, happy that." "If I were you, I'd check her urine." "Time's running out." "I feel terrible." "You?" "Did you see the size of that snowboard?" "I've got to find someone, anyone in this world who remembers Christmas." "How about Father Christmas?" "Is he real?" "As real as actual Christmas." "I guess right now that's not such a good example." "See if he's in the Witch pink pages." "He's listed." "SALEM:" "You're lucky." "There was no Father Bobunk." "Father Christmas?" "Hm?" "I'm Sabrina Spellman, the girl who erased Christmas." "Please don't be mad." "Ho!" "Mad?" "My dear girl, thanks to you, we're having our very first real family vacation." "My wife," "Mumsy Christmas, and the little tykes, our grandchildren:" "Binky, Bunny," "Boopsie, Winnie," "Minnie, Mopsy, and Fred." "Isn't Christmas important?" "But so is spending time with your family, eh?" "Look how many fish I've caught, eh?" "Ho-ho." "After a time one does get used to the smell." "But couldn't you help me get Christmas back," "I mean, as a favor?" "I didn't want to mention this, but my country did save your butt during World War II." "I am afraid I can't help you, Sabrina." "Only you can undo what you've done." "Thanks, anyway." "Mm-hm." "Ta-ta." "And I'd put some sun block on these pasty kids." "SALEM:" "No Christmas." "No hope for mankind, and you didn't even bring me a fish?" "It's 11:00." "Christmas is almost gone for good." "Maybe now Arbor Day will come into its own." "We're going to the pharmacy." "It's the perfect time of year to wait in a prescription line." "SALEM:" "It's snowing fiercely out there." "Conditions are hazardous and life-threatening." "Pick me up a Nutrageous bar, okay?" "Salem's right." "It's really coming down out there." "Well, I suppose I can wait another day to get my face cream." "No comments from the peanut gallery." "Honey, are you okay?" "We've been worried about you." "I've just been realizing that there are some things you don't miss until they're gone." "Like a snowboard." "Hey!" "Ooh!" "Oh!" "Ow!" "( rock theme playing )" "( all laughing and giggling )" "Someone's gonna end up crying." "Probably me." "( chuckles )" "I'm starving." "Last one to the kitchen makes the sandwiches." "You're last!" "No, you're last." "Let's ask the judges." "( buzzer buzzes )" "You're both last." "Fine, Aunt Hilda and I will both make the sandwiches." "I'll take tuna." "( chuckling ):" "Hey!" "( screams )" "Ladies, not again." "Yes!" "Oh!" "Dive!" "Dive!" "Oh." "I'm still hungry." "Fine." "You guys clean up and I'll make the sandwiches." "Done." "Thanks." "Now, you guys go wait in the dining room." "You know what?" "I'm glad we got snowed in." "Me too." "I'm pretty sure I ruptured something, but, yeah, it was fun." "You know, Salem," "Father Christmas was right." "All the hoopla of Christmas isn't as important as spending time with your family." "Sabrina, you're back." "You decided to spend Christmas Eve with us after all." "That's so wonderful." "It's not Christmas Eve." "Christmas!" "You said Christmas!" "Come on, Salem." "The tree, it's here." "Oh, and the decorations, they're incredible." "I'm so happy" "Christmas didn't suffer the fate of Bobunk." "BOTH:" "What's Bobunk?" "( doorbell rings )" "BOTH:" "Merry Christmas." "You don't know how happy I am to hear you say that." "We just thought we'd stop by and give you your presents so we could get back to our families." "Mom's letting us have coffee too." "VALERIE:" "And it's rumored that my parents have branched out from the traditional pajama-and-underwear gifts." "Why are you smiling so much?" "Because..." "Because..." "Because Harvey's under the mistletoe." "Anybody want some eggnog?" "Me." "I love eggnog." "This is great." "All the people I love most in the world together under one beautifully overdecorated roof." "Well, I think this calls for a toast." "To family." "To friends." "To Christmas." "It's back and better than ever." "Hey, this one's from Father Christmas." "Oh, cousin Kris sent you a present." "How thoughtful." "We're related to him?" "HILDA:" "Distantly." "You kind of forget about it until he needs money." "Robert E. Lee." "Must be a clue to the family secret." "I can never get enough of these." ""Dear Sabrina, thanks for the vacation." ""Once Christmas returned, I knew you figured out" ""what I was trying to tell you about family." "Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, joyous Bobunk."" "Speaking of Bobunk, where's Salem?" "Sabrina, stop this crazy thing!" "SALEM:" "Oh, my spine!"