"Guys with Kids is taped in front of a live studio audience." "Smith has the ball." "He's looking to pass it." "Gives it to Anthony." "Anthony may drive." "No, he kicks it off to Novak for the three." "And it's good." "Bam." "Yeah." "Nick, I got a serious parenting dilemma." "Talk to me." "Hey, hey, hold on." "Why do you only ever ask Nick to solve your parenting dilemmas?" "He's got two kids." "I've got, like, four." ""Like, four." Yes, why wouldn't I seek your counsel?" "It's hard to keep track, man." "I haven't slept in six years." "I'm tired." "This morning, I tried to put a shirt on my legs for five minutes." "I love you, kids, but you're making daddy stupid." "What's your dilemma, Chris?" "Well, it's time to feed Ernie, and at this stage in his development, he needs to drink whole milk, but the bar only has 2%." "What do I do?" "You know what a dilemma is, right, Chris?" "A dilemma is having to decide which of your rugby teammates you're gonna eat to stay alive." "Look, I just don't want to screw up." " Sheila already doesn't trust me." " Stop." "Stop." "Okay?" "Sheila doesn't get to play into this." "You guys are divorced." "Ernie is your kid too." "You need to stand up to her." "Yeah." "Your kid was wearing a beret the other day." "That's not right." "I know." "I try to stand up to her, but it's pointless." "I can't win, 'cause she just says," ""He grew inside me,"" "and boom, argument's over," "Ernie can't watch Goodfellas with me." "You talking to me?" "You talking to me, goodfellas?" "I don't know what you're doing." "That's not a line from anything." "Oh, my God." "Your baby's adorable." "Thank you." "Yeah." " What's wrong with him?" " Hey." "Excuse me, excuse me." "Hi." "I'm sorry." "My friend here's a little rusty." "And I think what he meant to say was," ""Thank you." "My name is Chris." ""I am single, I'm a lawyer," ""And although I feel" ""that stationery is an appropriate gift" ""to give to a close friend," "I'm a pretty cool guy, and I'd love to buy you a drink."" "That is what you meant to say, right, Chris?" "Yes." "That is what I meant to say." "And stationery is a timeless gift." "Can we buy you a drink?" "Sure." "Why not?" "Oh, how could I say no to that face?" "Okay." "Smell check." "Yeah, we're good." "# Life is how you're living # # ooh-ooh # # wake up where you want to be # # hey, hey # # you and me # # we're happy # # ooh-ooh # # we need our friends like the sun #" "# why would you walk when you can run?" "# # everybody sing along # # why would you walk when you can run?" "#" "Megan invited me to the Knicks game." "Ooh, boom." "Boom." "Nicely done, little wingman." " Way to hook your dad up." " Yeah." "That was my job in college." "And like you I often had puke on my shirt." "Huh?" "Wait, wait, wait," "I can't go to the game with Megan." "I have Ernie till Monday this week." "Hey, figure it out." "You have a chance to go to the Knicks game with a beautiful woman." "I'm a stay-at-home dad with four kids." "You know what I do every day?" "I stay at home with four kids while Marny gets to go to work, and Clark, he broke our TV." "Do you have any idea how desperate my situation is?" "Look at me." "Look what you've done to me!" "I'm all riled up!" "Just get Sheila to watch him." "No." "No way." "If I tell Sheila I have a date" "Stop." "Stop." "She does not get to tell you what to do any more." "We do." "And you're going." "Look, Chris, this is why you moved into our building." "So we could look after you and play with your life." "Hi, Ernie." "Sheila, how did you get in my apartment?" "I had a key made." "Did you hear that, Chris?" "Your ex-wife had a key made to your apartment." "Fun." "Normal." "What are you doing here?" "Well, I'm here to make sure that your apartment is safe for our son." "Now I see that you've painted." "Is it lead-free?" "No, it's lead-only." "I ordered it from the '50s." "Oh, I don't miss that." "And did you see the abandoned well that we dug in the bathroom?" "Oh, I don't miss you." "Oh, hey, would you mind watching Ernie" " for a bit tomorrow?" " Why?" "I have a date." "A date." " Yes." " Then no." "Right." "Right, 'cause, God forbid" "I actually move on with my life" "Or is it maybe that I have a date myself, Chris?" " You have a date?" " Yes, I do." "With, like, a man?" "Okay." "Go away, Nick." " Good-bye, Nick." " Bye, Sheila." "This is the scary lady I was telling you about." "Come on, you don't really have a date." "You're just jealous that I have one." "No, I do, Chris." "I have a date with a very tall and attractive man no less, a very tall and attractive professional athlete man." "Kareem Abdul-Jabbar." "You have a date with Kareem Abdul-Jabbar?" " Yes." " How'd you meet?" "J-Date." "Okay, fine, fine, don't help." " I'll just get a babysitter." " No, no, no, no." "Chris, no babysitters." "We've talked about this." "They just throw your kid in front of a TV and talk on their phone while drinking your wine and making bathtub meth with your cold medicine." " Sheila, look, I'm sure" " Chris, he grew inside me." "Fine." "You win again." "Thank you." "Okay." "Hi, Ernie." "Oh." "I will see you on Monday." "Okay?" "Be good." " Okay, here you go." " Hi, buddy." "Okay." "Ernie," "I am getting you a babysitter." "And Mommy is gonna like it because she's not gonna know about it." "Hello." "Come in." "Hey, guys." "Glad I caught you at home." "I'm always at home." "Right, so can I get the name of your babysitter?" "Babysitter?" "Yeah, you know, someone you pay to come over and watch your kids while you have fun." "Fun?" "Oh, yeah, you remember fun." "That thing we used to have before all this magic came into our lives." "So just the name of your babysitter." "Do you really think we have the disposable income to pay people to watch these kids?" "There are four of them." "They have bled us dry." "They broke the TV, man." "We have nothing." "That means you have nothing too." "Mommy!" "Hey, how was the princess party?" "Fun." "Daddy, chase me." "Okay." "Here I come." "I'm chasing you." "Oh, remember, we have that ridiculous fundraiser at Violet's school tomorrow night." "Oh, no." "What's the theme this year?" ""Set sail for a night of fun and dancing aboard the ship of dreams-- the Titanic."" "And what happens at the end of the night?" "You hog a piece of driftwood that could easily accommodate the both of us?" "Hey, Ernie." "I hear you have a hot date tomorrow night." " I do." " Ooh." "I hope she's condescending like Sheila 'cause I miss feeling badly about my clothes and education." " All right." " I went to Colgate." "That is a good school." "She can't hurt us here." "Okay?" "Megan seems great, but Sheila won't watch Ernie, so I need a babysitter." "Sheila's cool with you getting a sitter?" "No, couldn't be less cool with it." "Going behind her back." "Oh, have Carleen watch him." "Babies love her." "She's got big, squishy grandma boobs." "Yeah." "Kids sink into 'em like they're made out of nerf." "Perfect." "So what are you gonna wear on your date?" "Uh..." "I was thinking this." "No." "No." "Okay, I'm gonna take you shopping tomorrow, unless you're gonna take her out to a Christian rock concert." "Can I help you gentlemen find anything?" "Yeah, hi, my friend here is recently divorced, and he's got a hot date in a few hours, and he needs to look..." "Better than this." "Yes, I understand." "I'll pull a few things." "Guys, I'm really glad you pushed me." "I'm getting a sitter." "I'm going on a date." "This is big." "I feel like I'm moving on with my life." "Clarky." "Don't you put that in your underwear." "Don't." "Well, looks like I'm buying a tie." "Wait." "No, what?" "Your sitter just cancelled on me." "Tipoff's in, like, two hours." "What am I gonna do?" "Okay." "All right." "We're not gonna panic, right?" "We're gonna figure this out." "We are the same two guys who figured out how to get back from Cancun with no clothes and no passports." " We called your mom." " Yeah." "And if necessary, we will call her again." "Forget it." "It's a sign." "I'm not supposed to go on this date." "Sheila didn't want me getting a sitter anyway." "Hey, hey, you are not gonna bail." "I will watch Ernie." "You are going on your date." "All right." "That's settled." "Clarky." "That's a shoehorn, buddy." "That doesn't go there." "Ernie, are you ready to tap dance on the edge of insanity?" "Huh?" "Hey, Ernie." "Is Chris here?" "No, Carleen cancelled on him, so I am gonna take care-- wow." "You look..." "Like you are going somewhere." "Nick, we have Violet's school thing." "I was under the impression you did not want to go to that." " I was looking forward to it." " You said it seemed ridiculous." " That's not the point." " What is the point?" "Do you need me to explain what the point is?" "Maybe just this one time." "Okay," "I know how to make this better." "I do." "Do you want to watch our wedding video?" "'Cause I'm almost done editing that." "Oh, my God." "Emily!" "Don't judge me." "How many relationships have you made work?" "Huh?" "Yeah?" "Nick just doesn't get it." "He goes off to work, and I am with the kids all day." "Believe me," "I know, and then, when you do finally wind them down, they come back in and wind them right back up and then have to take an "emergency" call from work." "Just when it's bath time." "Just when it's bath time." "Oh, yes, I'm horrible." "I always tell you, staying home with the kids is the hardest job in the world." "And I love it." "But tonight I wanted to board the lame Titanic and wear these awesome elbow gloves and eat something other than dinosaur chicken nuggets." "Ooh, but how good are those?" "He just doesn't understand what my life is like." "I get it." "You know, I see it with Gary." "How this man does it, I don't know." "He is a saint." "Mm-hmm." "And once in a while he needs a break." " That's right." " And so do you." "You're dressed up to go out, so I'm taking you out." " What?" " Get up." "Let's go." "Marny, you're a life saver." " Bye, Gary." " What?" "Yoda, pick up the chips, man." "Boy, if I had on the" "Okay, kids, my wife may not be taking my phone calls, but I refuse to let that ruin your good time." "And so, Freddie, welcome to the octagon!" "Yes, you will" "We don't like the octagon!" "Okay." "Because of you, I just got stuck in my apartment on a Sunday with all four kids." " How's that my fault?" " Because my wife and your wife-- does that TV work?" "Oh, my God, we-- we're saved." "Clark, Yoda, come for a prayer." "I keep it at my parents' house." "Wow." "I've never gone on a date with a girl who's caught a marlin." "Clearly that is what your mistake has been." "Uh, it's my ex-wife." "You're not gonna pick that up, right?" "Go ahead." "I don't mind." "Hi, Sheila." "What's up?" "Chris." "You weren't answering your phone." "I'm a little worried about Ernie." " Oh, he's fine." " Let's go, Knicks!" "Who is that?" "Are you at the Knicks game?" "I said no babysitters." " Who is watching Ernie?" " Me." "I am." "So, if I go over to your apartment right now," " you'll be there?" " What's she saying?" "Yeah." "Yeah, at home." "Where else would I be?" "All right." "We'll see." "Everything okay?" "Yeah, I just need to make a quick call." "# I came to dance, dance, dance, dance #" "Granted, the school function sounded like a stupid event, but that's not the point." "See, that's exactly what she said." "What is the point?" "The point, my tall, idiotic friend, is that she doesn't care about the event." "She wants a night out." "Dinner, dancing, her man dressed in a suit." "Adult stuff." "You're right." "I'm an idiot." "Yeah, that's what I've been saying." "# We gonna rock this club, we gonna go all night #" "Nick, where are you?" "Sheila is on her way over." "She has a key." "Bolt the door." "Why isn't he answering?" "What if something happened to Ernie?" "I'm sure everything's fine." "Maybe." "You hear stories." "Megan, I'm so sorry." "I got to go." "Halvsies on some nachos?" "Who are you?" "Wow." "You're right." "This is so much easier than a bathtub." "Yeah, the idea came to me when I was rinsing off a rotisserie chicken I recently dropped on the floor." " Where's Ernie?" " What are you doing here?" "Oh, thank God you're okay." "Why didn't you pick up your phone?" "'Cause I was dancing with Gary." "Okay, everything's fine." "Sheila's not here." "I made it." "What'd you guys do to my apartment?" "We got to clean this place up and get you guys out of here before" "Why is my son in a sink?" "Well, I recently dropped a rotisserie chicken on the floor..." "Chris, what is wrong with you?" "We specifically said no babysitters." "Come on, Sheila." "We're gonna be late." "You really had a date with Kareem Abdul-Jabbar?" "Yes, Chris." "I do not lie." "Hi, I am just a huge fan of yours." "Um, and I actually have to go patch things up with my wife, but I was wondering if, before I go," "I could get a photograph of you pretending to dunk my son?" "Sure." "That's a cool idea." "Do mine too." "No." "No one's dunking any babies." " Why?" " Because it's a bad idea." "How is it a bad idea?" "It's awesome." " Chris, I said no." " Okay, you can't just say no without having a good reason." "I do have a good reason" "Grew inside me." "I don't care where he grew." "Woo." "Here we go." "Hold on." "Wait for me." "Excuse me?" "I ruined my date tonight because I let you make me crazy, and I'm not letting you do that any more." "I am in charge of Ernie, not you, so you're just gonna have to start trusting my decisions, okay?" "I'm Ernie's dad, and I know what I'm doing." "Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, dunk my baby." "No." "Do not dunk that baby." " Dunk the baby." " Dunk the baby." "Dunk it." "Then dunk me." "Whoo." "You got it?" "Oh, it's perfect." "Yeah." "Okay, hi, sweetheart." "Hi, hi, hi." "Are you happy?" "Did you prove your point?" "Yeah." "Yes." "As a matter of fact, I did." "Ernie's totally fine." "Just like he always is with me." "Look, Sheila, raising a kid is hard enough and then being divorced on top of that-- we have to start working together for Ernie's sake." "You're right." "Okay." "Hi." "Hi." "You can pick him up tomorrow." " Go enjoy your date." " Okay." "Okay, good-bye, my little prince." "I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you," "I will see you tomorrow, okay?" "And I will think only of you until then." "What about me?" "Yeah, what about you?" "I cannot believe you dunked my son." "Listen, Sheila, this is our first date." "You got to chill out a little bit." "No, you need to chill out, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar." "Way to go, man." "You slayed the dragon." "You know, it is fun playing with your life." "Nick?" "What is all this?" "This is the deck of the Titanic." "# #" "The year is 1912, passengers are huddled together for warmth, death hangs in the air." " And what's that?" " Ooh, haven't you heard?" "That is an iceberg." "We've hit it." "Now I know that we're slowly taking on water and hundreds of poor people are drowning belowdecks, but I would be honored if I could have this dance." "I married a crazy person." "So do you forgive me?" "If I must." "Well, then, this is for you." "Oh, it's beautiful." "It's the largest diamond in the world." "And it's filled with lip gloss." "I love you." "I love you too." "Hey, baby." "Oh, boy, she's back." "You are a good man." "Oh, baby, I am a tired man." "Correction:" "I'm a wide-awake man with a slightly inebriated wife." "What are you doing in there?" " Let us in!" " Go away!" "This is all we have any more!" "Hurry before they pick the lock." "Hey, Sheila." "Nah, I'm just sitting here watching Goodfellas." "No, of course not." "Ernie's been in bed for an hour." "Okay, I'm sure we'll talk tomorrow." "Okay, we used to love each other." "Bye." "I mean, I found it funny." "Okay, bye." "We used to love each other." "Haven't heard from Megan, so I guess we can assume" "I blew that, but you know what?" "Doesn't matter." "It's okay." "As long as I got you, I'm good." "Sons before buns, little man." "We're gonna be okay." "Unlike Joe Pesci in about three, two, one..."