"WHOA, RUBY, SWEETIE, COME HERE, HONEY." "WE HAVE TO TALK ABOUT YOUR BIRTHDAY." "DO YOU WANT THE LITTLE MERMAID," "CINDERELLA, OR SNOW WHITE?" "I WANT A CLOWN." "ARE YOU SURE, HONEY?" "'CAUSE ONCE YOU GET A CLOWN, YOU'RE STUCK WITH HIM." "DID I NOT SAY THAT AT YOUR BRIDAL SHOWER?" "THEN CAN I HAVE PRINCE CHARMING?" "OH, RUBY," "PRINCE CHARMING DOESN'T JUST SHOW UP AT YOUR DOOR." "YOU HAVE TO GO OUT AND SEARCH FOR HIM." "YOU HAVE TO GO TO BARS, JOIN A GYM" "DANA, DANA." "ALL RIGHT, RUBY, COME ON, LET'S GO MAKE TIARAS." "NOW, THE FIRST THING TO LOOK FOR IN A PRINCE" "IS NO WEDDING RING." "Jim:" "HELLO." "HI, DADDY!" "HI, GIRLS." "OH, HONEY, THANK YOU." "HEY, DID YOU GET THE PLATES FOR RUBY'S PARTY?" "I SURE DID." "WHAT DO THESE LOOK LIKE?" "JIM, HOW COULD YOU GET NASCAR PLATES?" "JIM, NASCAR PLATES DON'T GO WITH DISNEY PRINCESS CUPS." "NOW IT'S ALL A MISH-MASH." "THERE'S NO THEME." "WELL, CAN'T NO THEME BE THE THEME?" "OKAY, WHAT'S ALL THIS?" "WELL, THOSE ARE THE MUNCHIES YOU ASKED ME TO PICK UP." "JIM, I SAID "SCRUNCHIES."" "I WANT THEM TO GO IN THE GOODY BAGS." "AS USUAL, NOTHING GETS DONE RIGHT UNLESS I DO IT." "HEY, JUST BECAUSE IT WASN'T DONE YOUR WAY" "DOESN'T MEAN IT WAS WRONG." "YEAH, JIM, IT KIND OF DOES." "WHAT'S A SCRUNCHIE?" "IT'S A CLOTH-COVERED HAIR ORNAMENT" "WITH GENTLE ELASTIC DESIGNED TO AID" "IN THE TWIST AND LOOP OF A PONYTAIL." "DUH." "WELL HERE'S A STUMPER FOR YA:" "WHAT ARE TESTICLES?" "OH, BABY." "CHERYL." "HEY." "WAKE UP!" "WHAT, ARE YOU STILL SLEEPING?" "YOU DON'T LOOK SO GOOD." "PUT SOME MAKEUP ON." "CHERYL, COME ON." "YOU'RE NOT EVEN TRYING ANYMORE." "JIM!" "WHAT?" "I'M SICK." "MY THROAT HURTS, I'VE GOT A TEMPERATURE." "OH, HONEY, I CAN'T BE SICK TODAY." "IT'S RUBY'S BIRTHDAY." "[ Whistles ] YOU ARE BURNING UP." "LET ME GET YOU A COUPLE ASPIRIN." "OH, THANK YOU, HONEY." "OH, I CAN'T BELIEVE" "I'M GOING TO HAVE TO CANCEL HER PARTY." "YEAH, NOW DON'T YOU FEEL SILLY" "ABOUT MAKING SUCH A BIG DEAL OUT OF THE NASCAR PLATES?" "MOMMY!" "AM I 7 NOW?" "OH, YES, YOU ARE, MY BIG BIRTHDAY GIRL." "HOW MANY HOURS TILL MY PARTY STARTS?" "OH, SWEETIE, DON'T SIT TOO CLOSE TO MOMMY, OKAY?" "I'M SICK." "UM, HONEY," "I AM REALLY SORRY," "BUT I DON'T THINK I CAN DO YOUR PARTY TODAY." "NO!" "YOU HAVE TO!" "OH, HONEY, I WISH I COULD." "I JUST--I DON'T WANT TO GET ALL THE OTHER KIDS SICK." "CAN'T DADDY DO IT?" "HA HA HA HA." "THAT IS SO CUTE." "WHAT'S CUTE?" "SHE THINKS YOU CAN DO THE PARTY WITHOUT ME." "NO." "HONEY, THAT'S NOT DADDY'S THING." "WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA." "NOT MY THING?" "CHERYL, FLOSSING MAY NOT BE MY THING." ""JUDGING AMY" MAY NOT BE MY THING." "FLUSHING THE TOILET MAY NOT BE MY THING." "BUT THROWING A LITTLE PARTY FOR MY DAUGHTER," "CHERYL, THAT'S MY THING." "JIM, JIM, I--I'M SERIOUS." "IT'S A LOT OF WORK." "THERE'S A WHOLE LIST OF THINGS" "THAT GOES INTO THROWING A PARTY LIKE THIS." "WHAT'S THIS?" "IT'S MY PARTY BOOK." "SCARED?" "I'M NOT SCARED OF BOOKS." "I JUST PREFER MOVIES." "COME ON, I CAN DO IT." "RUBY, I, YOUR FATHER," "WILL TAKE CARE OF EVERYTHING," "AND THIS MAY SURPRISE YOUR MOTHER," "BUT I AM PERFECTLY CAPABLE OF TAKING CARE OF MY CHILDREN." "HEAD!" "[ THUD ]" "SHE'S FINE, SHE'S FINE." "SHE'S JUST A LITTLE CLUMSY." "Ruby:" "OW." "AW, POOR GRACIE." "FEELING A LITTLE LEFT OUT TODAY" "BECAUSE RUBY'S GETTING ALL THE ATTENTION?" "OH, DON'T WORRY." "YOUR BIRTHDAY'S IN, LIKE, WHAT, SEVEN MONTHS?" "SEVEN." "WOW." "THAT MUST BE LIKE A LIFETIME TO YOU." "NO GREAT COMEBACK, PRINCESS?" "I DIDN'T THINK SO." "HA HA." "YOU PUT A CUPCAKE ON MY CHAIR, DIDN'T YOU?" "THAT'S RIGHT, PRINCESS." "[ BALLOON SQUEAKS ]" "DID I HURT YOU?" "[ SQUEAK ]" "I'M SO SORRY." "[ SQUEAK ]" "HEY, AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO BE IN BED?" "YES." "WHAT ARE YOU DOING DOWN HERE?" "YOU CHECKING ON ME?" "NO, HONEY, I ALWAYS LIKE TO TAKE A WALK" "RIGHT AFTER I THROW UP." "COME ON." "HONEY." "WHAT?" "YOU DIDN'T EVEN WRITE THE GIRLS' NAMES" "ON THE GOODY BAGS." "OH, THEY'RE ALL BRITNEY OR ASHLEY." "WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE?" "JIM, YOU CAN'T JUST WING IT." "YOU KNOW," "IF YOU FAIL TO PLAN, YOU PLAN TO FAIL." "OH, GREAT." "WHY DON'T YOU SHAVE YOUR HEAD" "AND CHANT THAT AT THE AIRPORT?" "OH!" "TA-DA!" "DO I KNOW HOW TO MAKE A CAKE FOR A PRINCESS OR WHAT?" "OH, DANA, IT'S BEAUTIFUL." "AND, HONEY, THANK YOU FOR DRESSING UP." "THE GIRLS ARE GOING TO LOVE THAT COSTUME." "WELL, I FIGURE IF YOU'RE GOING TO BE A SPINSTER AUNT," "YOU MIGHT AS WELL BE A GOOD ONE." "HEY, YOU FINALLY GOT SOME GOOD USE" "OUT OF THAT BRIDESMAID GOWN, HUH?" "HA HA HA HA." "ALL RIGHT, I BOUGHT YOU MAGAZINES," "TISSUES, AND COLD MEDICINE." "HEY, DID YOU GET ME MOUTHWASH?" "OOH, MAYBE NOT ENOUGH." "SO, PAR-TAY MAN," "ANYTHING IN CHERYL'S BOOK I CAN HELP WITH?" "YEAH." "YOU CAN THROW IT OUT." "I DON'T KNOW IF THAT'S A GOOD IDEA." "LAST TIME YOU THREW OUT CHERYL'S INSTRUCTIONS," "WE ACCIDENTALLY DROVE TO CANADA." "WE HAD A FUN TIME" "WE SAW A MOOSE" "[ DOORBELL RINGS ]" "OH, I'LL GET THAT." "LISTEN..." "IT'S NOT THAT BIG OF A DEAL." "COME ON, IT'S A 2-HOUR KIDDIE PARTY." "WE PUT IN A VIDEOTAPE, WE FEED THEM SOME PIZZA," "PUMP THEM FULL OF SUGAR, AND LET THEM GO." "HI, JIM." "WELL, HELLO, SANDY." "HEY." "OH, HI." "SO, ARE YOU READY FOR NINE LITTLE GIRLS?" "OH, WELL, I THINK I CAN HANDLE IT." "OH, FOR ME?" "YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE." "NO, NO, THOSE ARE FOR--OH!" "I GOT YOU." "OH, GOD, YOU RASCAL, YOU." "YOU KNOW, I HAVE TO TELL YOU, YOU ARE A GREAT DAD." "MY HUSBAND WOULD NEVER STICK AROUND" "FOR A SLUMBER PARTY." "SLUMBER PARTY?" "YEAH." "YOU MEAN AS IN..." "SLUMBER PARTY..." "STAY ALL NIGHT?" "WELL, WITH THESE KIDS," "IT'S MORE LIKE STAY UP ALL NIGHT, BUT" "[ GIRLS CHEERING ]" "OKAY, OKAY, OKAY, OKAY." "ALL RIGHT, I'M GONE." "I'M OUT OF HERE." "I'LL PICK THEM UP TOMORROW AFTER BREAKFAST." "HAVE FUN, GIRLS!" "LET ME GET THIS." "[ GIRLS SHOUTING ]" "WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?" "I GOT AN IDEA." "I GOT AN IDEA." "HEY, GIRLS, GIRLS!" "BEDTIME!" "[ SHOUTING ]" "AND THEN J-LO SHOWED UP AT THE VERSACE PARTY" "WITH BEN AFFLECK ON ONE ARM" "AND A CARTIER BRACELET ON THE OTHER." "THE BENEFIT WAS TO RAISE MONEY" "FOR THE SURVIVORS OF BLAH-BLAH-BLAH-BLAH-BLAH." "THE END." "[ BOTH SIGH ]" "WELL, I'M GOING TO GO" "PUT THE FINISHING TOUCHES ON THE CAKE." "I WISH I WAS J-LO." "AW, YOU ARE, HONEY." "YOU'RE JUST LIVING IN ILLINOIS" "WITH NO TALENT AND A FAT HUSBAND." "OHH." "CHERYL, CHERYL," "HOW COULD YOU NOT TELL ME THIS WAS A SLUMBER PARTY?" "I DID." "WHEN?" "WHEN I LOOKED YOU RIGHT IN THE EYE" "AND I SAID, "JIM, RUBY'S HAVING A SLUMBER PARTY."" "DID YOU TELL ME TO FOCUS?" "YES" "DID YOU GIVE ME A TREAT?" "NO..." "WELL THERE YOU GO." "CHERYL." "WHATEVER, JIM." "YOU KNOW, JIM, COME ON," "JUST ADMIT YOU'RE IN OVER YOUR HEAD." "HONEY, THERE'S NO SHAME" "IN NOT BEING ABLE TO HANDLE" "A ROOM FULL OF LITTLE GIRLS." "JUST GO DOWNSTAIRS, CALL THE MOMS," "AND TELL THEM TO PICK UP THEIR KIDS." "YEAH, YEAH, YOU'D LOVE THAT, WOULDN'T YOU?" "WHAT?" "OH, THIS IS PART OF YOUR PLAN, ISN'T IT?" "WHAT PLAN?" "YOUR PLAN-- YOU WIN, I LOSE." "OH, HONEY, THAT'S NOT A PLAN." "THAT'S A FACT OF LIFE." "THAT'S VERY FUNNY, CHERYL." "ALMOST AS FUNNY AS THAT LITTLE THING COMING OUT OF YOUR NOSE." "OH, DAMN." "YOU KNOW WHAT?" "I'M GOING TO DO WHATEVER IT TAKES." "BY HELL OR HIGH WATER," "BY HOOK OR CROOK," "AND AS GOD IS MY WITNESS," "THIS IS GOING TO BE" "THE BEST BIRTHDAY PARTY GRACIE HAS EVER HAD." "IT'S RUBY'S BIRTHDAY!" "YOU JUST CAN'T LET GO CAN YOU?" "IS THIS YOUR CARD?" "NO." "YES, IT IS." "MY CARD WAS A HUNDRED." "THERE'S NO "A HUNDRED" IN THE DECK!" "OH, JIM, HEY, HELP ME, PLEASE." "WHAT?" "I GOT TWO THINGS-- CARD TRICKS AND IMPRESSIONS," "AND THEY DON'T STRIKE ME AS A BIG NIXON CROWD." "DADDY, WHEN DOES MY PARTY START?" "OH, REAL SOON, HONEY." "REAL, REAL SOON." "HEY, GIRLS, LOOK WHO'S HERE" "EX-PRESIDENT RICHARD NIXON." "GO ON." "[ As Richard Nixon ] WOULD ANYONE LIKE" "A GLASS OF WATERGATE?" "YOU SMELL LIKE THE HAMPER!" "OKAY, DANA, LET'S GO." "CAKE TIME." "NO, NO, NO, NO, NO." "YOU DON'T START WITH THE CAKE." "YOU BUILD TO THE CAKE." "THE PIZZAS COME YET?" "NO." "THEN WE BUILD TO THE PIZZAS." "UH-UH-UH, JIM." "I HAVE PUT MY HEART AND SOUL INTO THIS CAKE." "I WAS WORKING ON IT AT 5:00 THIS MORNING," "AND WE DON'T SERVE IT UNTIL I SAY WE SERVE IT." "STOP ACTING LIKE A PRINCESS!" "I AM SO NOT ACTING LIKE A PRINCESS!" "OH, MY GOD!" "YOU BUTCHER!" "WHAT ARE YOU TALK" "MY CAKE!" "I'M JUST LIGHTING THE CANDLE." "WILL YOU" "THIS IS NOT YOUR CAKE, BY THE WAY." "THIS IS" "MY CAKE!" "MY CAKE'S ON FIRE!" "ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT." "DON'T FIGHT." "DON'T PANIC!" "AHH!" "JIM, DO SOMETHING!" "OKAY, ALL RIGHT, HOLD ON, HOLD ON, HOLD ON!" "I GOT IT." "HERE, HERE." "HERE, HERE, HERE, HERE." "[ SCREAMING ]" "THERE YOU GO." "[ GASPS ]" "CAKE'S STILL GOOD." "YOU ASS!" "THERE ARE CHILDREN HERE!" "WATCH YOUR MOUTH!" "AAH!" "UHH!" "WE DO THIS BY PLACING 3/4-INCH PLYWOOD OVER THE EXISTING STUDS," "THEN COVERING IT ALL WITH DRYWALL." "CAN YOU SAY "DRYWALL"?" "YOU DON'T HAVE A GIRLFRIEND, DO YOU?" "WHERE'S DANA?" "WHERE'S THE CAKE?" "WELL, THERE WAS SOME UNPLEASANTNESS." "OKAY, GOOD TO KNOW." "I'M GONNA GET CHERYL." "NO." "LOOK, WE DON'T NEED CHERYL." "WE'RE FINE." "WE ONLY GOT, LIKE, 14 HOURS." "14 HOURS?" "!" "THAT MUST FEEL LIKE A LIFETIME TO YOU." "OKAY, GIRLS," "WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO NOW?" "WE WANT TO MAKE FAIRY DUST NECKLACES." "YEAH, THAT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN." "SO, UH, WHAT NEXT?" "TELL US A STORY." "A STORY!" "WHAT A GREAT IDEA!" "YEAH." "WHY DON'T YOU GIRLS GRAB YOUR SLEEPING BAGS," "LIE DOWN IN THEM IN CASE YOU FALL ASLEEP." "BUT IT'S ONLY 6:00!" "WHAT'S YOUR NAME?" "ASHLEY." "ASHLEY." "ADORABLE." "COMMON, BUT ADORABLE." "UM, THAT IS THE CUTEST WATCH." "MAY I, SWEETIE?" "AW." ""HELLO KITTY."" "GOODBYE, KITTY." "HEY!" "HAY..." "IS FOR HORSES!" "[ BOTH NEIGH ]" "OKAY, UH..." "SO, WHAT KIND OF STORY WOULD YOU GIRLS LIKE TO HEAR?" "A PRINCESS STORY!" "OOH!" "NO, A RAINBOW STORY!" "OOH." "A STORY ABOUT A PONY NAMED TWINKLE!" "OKAY, I HEAR SCARY STORY." "ALL RIGHT, ANDY, YOU TURN OFF THE LIGHTS." "HERE WE GO." "OOH..." "ONCE UPON A TIME," "THERE WAS THIS..." "CRAZY GUY," "AND HE HAD SIX FINGERS..." "ON HIS FEET!" "WHAT'S HIS NAME?" "IT DOESN'T MATTER." "IS IT TWINKLE?" "NO, GET OFF IT!" "ANYWAY..." "THEY CALLED HIM OLD..." "FINGER FOOT." "YEAH." "AND HE LIVED IN A GRAVEYARD" "RIGHT WHERE WE BUILT THIS HOUSE." "AND HE USED TO RIDE AROUND ON A SKELETON HORSE." "WAS HIS NAME TWINKLE?" "NO!" "WHAT HAPPENED WAS" "HE WAS REALLY THIRSTY ONE NIGHT-- 20 YEARS AGO THIS VERY NIGHT" "AND HE WANTED SOME BLOOD" "AND POPCORN AND CHEETOS AND STUFF," "AND SO HE CREPT UP THE DRIVEWAY" "WITH HIS 6-FINGERED FEET," "AND HE LOOKED IN THE WINDOW," "AND A SHARP WINDMILL BLADE RIPPED OFF HIS HEAD!" "MY HEAD!" "MY HEAD!" "[ GIRLS SCREAMING ]" "SO, REMEMBER, 911 IS FOR REAL EMERGENCIES," "NOT GHOST STORIES, OKAY?" "ALL RIGHT, WHO DIALED 911?" "JOE." "JOE WHO?" "JOE MAMA!" "[ GIRLS LAUGHING ]" "Girl:" "IT'S LIKE "YOUR MAMA."" "ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND TELLING THEM GHOST STORIES?" "CAN YOU DO ME A FAVOR?" "CAN YOU JUST TELL THESE LITTLE GIRLS" "THAT IF THEY DON'T GO TO SLEEP," "YOU'RE GONNA PUT THEM IN JAIL?" "DOESN'T WORK." "I TRIED IT ON MY KIDS." "DADDY, RUBY'S UNDER THE SINK." "OHH." "THANK YOU, HONEY." "OKAY, ENTERTAIN THEM." "WHOA, WHOA, WHOA." "WITH WHAT?" "I'M OUT OF MATERIAL." "SHOW THEM YOUR WEB TOE." "I USUALLY CHARGE FOR THAT." "JUST DO IT!" "[SIGHS]" "HEY, ANYBODY IN THERE?" "[ GROANS ]" "COME ON, RUBY, WHAT'S GOING ON?" "THIS IS THE WORST PARTY EVER." "IT IS NOT." "IT'S A GREAT PARTY." "EVERYBODY'S HAVING FUN." "ARE YOU?" "WELL, YEAH." "I MEAN..." "NO." "I WISH MOMMY WASN'T SICK." "OH..." "ME TOO." "YOU THINK THIS IS A BAD PARTY?" "WHEN I WAS 7, I DIDN'T EVEN GET A BIRTHDAY PARTY." "WHY?" "I DON'T KNOW." "BUT IT'S ANCIENT HISTORY." "HEY!" "OH, BABY, I KNOW WHY WE'RE NOT HAVING FUN." "BECAUSE THE REAL FUN ISN'T SUPPOSED TO START" "UNTIL THE ACTUAL TIME THAT YOU WERE BORN," "WHICH WAS...6:48." "AND WHAT TIME IS IT NOW?" "2:30." "DON'T THEY TEACH YOU ANYTHING IN THAT SCHOOL?" "IT'S 6:48." "SO NOW THE PARTY CAN BEGIN!" "[ GIRLS LAUGHING ]" "[ High-pitched voice ] ♪ I'M NOT A GIRL ♪" "[ High-pitched voice ] ♪ I'M NOT A GIRL ♪" "♪ DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO BELIEVE ♪" "♪ NOT YET A WOMAN ♪" "♪ I'M STILL TRYING TO FIND THE WOMAN IN ME ♪" "♪ ALL I NEED IS TIME ♪" "♪ ALL I NEED ♪" "♪ MOMENT THAT IS MINE ♪" "♪ THAT IS MINE ♪" "♪ WHILE I'M IN BETWEEN ♪" "♪ I'M NOT A GIRL... ♪" "[ GIRLS CHEERING ]" "♪♪♪" "♪♪♪" "HEY." "HEY, BABY." "HOW YOU FEELING?" "OH, BETTER." "WHO WROTE "POO" ON ANDY'S FOREHEAD?" "JOE." "JOE WHO?" "JOE MAMA!" "I GUESS YOU HAD TO BE THERE." "WELL, HONEY, THE HOUSE IS STILL STANDING." "NOBODY'S MISSING." "LOOKS LIKE THE PARTY WENT OKAY." "THE PARTY WENT BETTER THAN OKAY." "EVERY FIRST GRADER IS GOING TO BE TALKING ABOUT IT" "AT THE DRINKING FOUNTAIN MONDAY MORNING." "THE PARTY COULDN'T HAVE BEEN MORE PERFECT." "ACTUALLY, BETTER THAN PERFECT." "WHAT'S A BETTER WORD THAN "PERFECT"?" "OH, RIGHT." "ME." "OKAY, HONEY." "I WAS WRONG, AND YOU WERE RIGHT." "MY WAY IS NOT THE ONLY WAY." "OH, THAT GOES DOWN SO SMOOTH." "ALL RIGHT, COME ON, YOU GO UPSTAIRS," "AND I'LL FIX YOU SOMETHING TO EAT." "OKAY, SWEETIE." "HEY, DID YOU SAVE ME ANY CAKE?" "CAKE?" "OH, CHERYL, COME ON." "I LIT THAT THING ON FIRE AND HOSED IT." "[ LAUGHING ]" "JIM!" "[ LAUGHS ]" "OKAY, GIRLS, BREAKFAST!" "HEY, HONEY, THANK YOU." "YOU MADE RUBY'S DAY." "JUST DOING MY JOB, MA'AM." "AND BY THE WAY," "YOU ARE NEVER ALLOWED TO GET SICK" "EVER, EVER AGAIN ON ANYBODY'S BIRTHDAY." "OKAY." "EXCEPT FOR YOURS, BECAUSE THAT'S "YOUR DAY."" "HA HA HA HA!" "OKAY, GIRLS, COME ON, BREAKFAST!" "LET'S GO!" "YAY!" "BREAKFAST!" "THANKS, DADDY." "YOU'RE THE BEST!" "OH, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BABY." "HEY, WHAT'S FOR BREAKFAST?" "[ GIRLS LAUGHING ]" "EVERYBODY LOVES THE ANDYMAN." "IT'S A GIFT, JIM." "ASHLEY" "MMM, MMM, MMM." "OKAY, BIRTHDAY GIRL GETS TO EAT FIRST." "HA HA HA HA!" "YEAH!"