"Make families smile." "There you go." "The guys who make this magazine are geniuses." "I mean, it's like they made it just for me, you know?" ""Hey, you know, ron, what do you wanna read this week?" ""Another article about alyssa milano's jugs?" "Perfect." "That's what we'll make." You know, right there." "Does this sound in tune to you?" "So glad I didn't tell my parents about this whole parents' weekend thing, 'cause now, I can just, like, zone in on lloyd's sister." "Just focus." "I mean, we talk sometimes when she calls." "She sounds cool, man, and she sounds hot." "She's probably like a female lloyd, you know?" "I mean, just picture lloyd with, like, hair and boobs and, like, no, uh, no wiener." "I mean, uh, that..." "I can be interested in that." "So mom gets the first half of the weekend, you get the second, ok?" "How come I'm the one that gets the sloppy steven seconds?" "Because I haven't seen mom since she left for europe, like, 2 months ago." "Well, neither have I." "Maybe your mom and I could talk things out." "I mean, I'm a good listener now, steve." "I watch oprah." "I read oprah magazine." "I discovered my spirit, steven." "Well, um, ok, then maybe we can all have dinner together at the end of the weekend." "That would be nice." "Lighter, fake ids, condoms, caffeine pills... wait, where are the eyedrops?" "Thanks." "I wish you didn't have to hide all that stuff in frog." "He looks so fat." "You don't know my mom." "When I was 16, she went through my dream box, and she found a joint which I was too afraid to even try, and she sent me to rehab for 6 weeks." "At least your parents are coming." "Mine are going to a conference at epcot." "They're psychiatrists." "I mean, they should know better than to abandon me on parents' weekend." "Yeah." "Marshall!" "Hi, honey." "We're here." "It's mommy and daddy." "Oh, crap." "They're early." ""No farting."" "Well, that means you, pumpkin." "Hey!" "One second." "Ron's naked." "I gotta hide my guitar." "They don't know I'm a music major yet." "You haven't told them?" "No, no, no, no, ok?" "My dad'll kill me." "He thinks I'm a business major." "He wants me to be practical." "He works in an auto plant." "I'll explain later." "Just don't say anything, ok?" "But, hey." "Aren't you playing in that talent show tonight?" "Exactly, but you see, the song will be the messenger." "I won't even have to say it, you know?" "They'll just know." "Like in billy elliott." "Oh, yeah, like in billy elliott." "Honey?" "Whoo!" "It worked for billy." "Hey, you made it!" "80 the whole way." "Not a cop in sight." "No ticket either." "I got some artwork up over here." "You know, it's kinda where I put my artwork." "And, um, that's beck." "Oh, beck." "Yeah, beck." "He's, like, a really successful musician." "Oh, yeah?" "You think he does his own makeup?" "He looks like barbara mandrell." "Well, he's sparkly lookin'." "Hey, uh, ronnie, can you help me, uh, get these old dogs off?" "Ok, uh, sure, uh..." "Just..." "Yeah, just give it a good hard yank." "Come on." "Come on!" "Unh!" "Oh, god!" "Oh, my god!" "Oh, my god!" "Gotcha!" "I love it." "I miss that." "Your hair, it looks so messy." "Oh, my god." "Your room." "It's bigger than our house." "Yeah." "Amanda." "Ron!" "Hey!" "Oh, my god, it's you!" "Yeah." "I just thought you were this little voice on the phone." "No, I'm a whole guy." "Ron and I used to chat on the phone." "Really?" "Yeah." "Did he tell you how much he loves reading?" "Shut up, poppit." "So, tell me." "How are you?" "How's your girlfriend?" "Yeah, ron, how is your girlfriend?" "What's her name again?" "Uh, we, uh, we, uh, we, uh, we started... we decided to see, uh, other people." "Oh, I'm sorry." "It's, you know, it's tough." "Well, lloyd's going off to class, so do you want to take me around the campus?" "Yes, I..." "I would, if it's ok with, uh, with, uh, mr." "Poppit." "Good luck, ron." "So, what do you girls do for fun?" "Mostly study." "Yeah, a lot of studying and, you know, just goin' to the library, reading books, and study." "What about boyfriends?" "Oh, please." "I wish I had time for a boyfriend." "You know that teacher you were so fond of?" "He's gettin' out of jail just about now." "Mom, he was an s.A.T. Tutor, and he is not in jail." "Come on, I'm kidding." "Please." "Mom's funny." "See?" "Lizzie's laughing." "Yeah, mom." "You're hilarious." "Come on." "Let's go eat." "You know what?" "I'm gonna freshen up for just a minute." "Be right out." "# Sounds to really make you rub and scrub #" "# I say # # pass the dutchie on the left hand side # # pass the dutchie on the left hand side # # it a gonna burn # # give me the music make me jump and prance #" "# it a go done # # give me the music make me rock in dance # # as I pass the dreadlocks' camp I heard them say # # how does it feel when you got no food?" "# # pass the dutchie on the left hand side #" "# I say, pass the dutchie on the left hand side # # it a gonna burn # # give me the music make me jump and prance # # it a go done #" "Oh, this is such a pretty campus." "Maybe I could take a few classes here." "I could pass for a senior, right?" "No, you're way too old." "Hey, family." "Nice sweatshirts." "Hal." "Hi, debra." "Dad, what are you doin' here?" "Anybody want to check out that omelet station in front of the library because..." "Dad's buyin'." "We're dead." "I checked." "Oh, my god." "Your frog has been very naughty." "I wouldn't have to spy on you if you hadn't deceived me again and again and again." "You know, I don't deserve this." "I mean, it's hard to raise you all by myself." "Your father, he doesn't even care." "Mom, you don't understand." "I told those people at river glen 28 days is not enough, but, you know, 6 months seemed like too long." "It doesn't seem too long now." "Ms. Lindquist, it's mine." "All that stuff is mine." "Is that true?" "Yeah." "Well..." "I'm sorry I doubted you, sweetheart." "It's ok." "Would you mind leaving the room for a minute?" "I..." "I'd like to have a word with lizzie." "Yeah." "When I was a little girl, I had this dream that a bear in the forest took my virginity." "A bear?" "A bear of a man." "Ah, the man-bear, yeah." "A sweet teddy bear of a man..." "And we had this magical connection." "It was perfect." "So, who'd the bear-dude end up bein', like, your english professor or somethin'?" "No, silly." "I think it's you." "Oh, god." "You scared me." "Get in here." "I thought you were my dad, man." "Marshall, ok, I was lookin' everywhere for you." "Look, lloyd's sister asked me to deflower her." "Wow." "That's quite an honor." "Lloyd congratulated you yet?" "I don't care about lloyd." "No, I care about me." "Me." "I'm freakin' out." "Ok, it's too much pressure, her first time, you know?" "I mean, what if it's terrible, ok, and then she remembers this her whole life?" "How do you know it's gonna be terrible?" "Trust me, it'll be terrible, ok, man?" "Then she'll tell her friends across the pond, and, like, the name "ron" will be, like, their new little secret inside joke for bad sex, you know?" ""How... how was your shag?"" ""Oh, I got ronned." "He ronned me." "It was terrible."" "You know?" "Sure." "I was happy for 2 months straight, but I see you, and I'm miserable in seconds, ha!" "Yeah, well, I'd be happy, too, if I could run around europe in a pair of pants, shorts, or short pants, or whatever the hell those things are." "Like I don't deserve a break?" "What's the matter?" "Does that bother you?" "Are you feeling dead inside or something?" "Please stop making fun of me!" "You always make fun of me..." "I'm really sorry about this." "Oh, honey, it's ok." "Oh, you should hear jack and I." "We just go on and on about the silliest things." "It's really very normal." "Thank you." "I didn't like being ignored." "I never ignored you, debra!" "I was always attracted to you!" "Oh, well, you could have fooled me!" "You can lie to yourself, you can lie to your mom, but you can't lie to me, missy, because I see right through it." "I was in a 12-step program for road rage, and..." "I understand." "I don't know what that means." "That means, keep flushing this junk down the toilet." "All of it." "They're gone." "Come on." "Let's go call your parents." "I guess they stopped." "Yeah." "Stop it!" "Ohh..." "That feels so good!" "Aah!" "Ha ha ha!" "Come on!" "You love it!" "You like it!" "You like it!" "Aah!" "Come here!" "Come here!" "Aah!" "No!" "Stop it, stop it, stop it!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "Now I can't breathe!" "I can't breathe!" "So, uh, you're from sioux city?" "Oh, uh, yeah." "We've been there for almost 10 years now." "Is that an indian name?" "Uh, yes." "It's sioux." "Mm-hmm." "Ok, well, hey." "We're here." "All right, uh, what time does the, uh, talent show begin?" "That is just beautiful." "She's very talented." "Yeah, you know, I bet she could do that professionally." "Well, maybe, if she's happy clearin'" "$22,000 a year teachin' 8-year-olds." "So, uh, how was the rest of your afternoon?" "It was great, steven." "This college is fun." "Hal, can I talk to you for a minute outside?" "Sure, sure." "She's gonna call my mother." "My parents are crazy." "They're psychiatrists, and they'll put me on antidepressants." "I'll lose my highs, my lows, and I'll have to live in the middle." "She's not gonna call your mother." "How do you know?" "Because I'm gonna put an end to this." "I'm 18." "I'm very responsible, and if she can't see me as an adult, then she's just gonna have to stop seeing me." "Right." "Mother..." "I want you to stop harassing lizzie." "She didn't do anything wrong." "You call condoms and fake ids and alcohol nothing wrong?" "Yes." "Well." "I guess college has skewed your sense of perspective." "No, it's opened it up." "You know what?" "John lennon was a heroin addict, and sigmund freud was a coke-head." "These people take journeys." "They make mistakes." "That's how they learn." "And you're back on one of your journeys?" "Me?" "Yes, you." "No, no, no, no." "I mean, just..." "People make mistakes like lizzie, so we have to embrace them and not judge them." "I mean, mom, not everyone is like you." "You were such a great mother." "I mean, her parents didn't even come to parents' weekend." "Nope." "So lizzie turns to drugs and men to fill her empty void." "I do." "You're so lucky to have a friend like my rachel." "Mmm." "That was a water sprinkler, right?" "That's a regular one, but what would a water sprinkler sound like at charlton heston's house?" "That's great." "He's the real deal." "Yeah." "Now, y'all think y'all here just at a regular talent show, where y'all really are is at a wild safari." "Ok, uh, I'm gonna go backstage 'cause I got some friends back there, and they're gonna perform tonight, and I just wanna wish 'em luck, you know?" "It's, uh, it's a real big moment for them." "Hey, you'd better start lookin' at me, mr." "Mailman, before that wild dog bite you on the butt." "Billy elliott." "There's a lot of..." "Bye, honey." "Get him off!" "Get him off!" "See ya, buddy." "Here, on my leg!" "This guy is somethin', huh, with the sprinkler noises and..." "Ah!" "Water comin' at me." "Oh." "Son of a... oh." "Oh, boy." "Ooh." "Oh, god." "I'm so sorry." "Oh, it's ok, sweetheart." "I mean, it happens." "It does happen." "It does." "Hon, will you take that?" "Yeah." "Just excuse us for a minute." "I'm going to go before I hurt someone else, so..." "Meet me outside in 3 minutes." "3 minutes?" "3 minutes." "From now?" "Yeah." "Ok?" "All right?" "Yeah, yeah." "All right." "Where are you goin'?" "To the bathroom." "Lloyd." "We need to talk." "Look, hal," "I'm sorry." "What happened in the dorm room, well, it was surprising, and it was fun..." "But my life is different, hal." "I like it." "Well, my life's different, too." "I don't want to change your life, debra." "I just, uh, thought we could have a new life together." "We've had some pretty happy years together." "We have a great kid." "Why not be satisfied with that for now?" "Hmm?" "Is everything ok?" "Yeah." "Thank you." "Marshall!" "Marshall!" "Get back in line!" "Straight to work, kid!" "# Factory # # patriarchy # # economy # # autonomy # that's me!" "Look, lloyd, I have a problem." "Your sister amanda has, uh, has asked me to take her, uh, her virginity." "Shut up, ron." "No, no, you see, I didn't want to betray our friendship, you know?" "So I knew that you would want to step in and just diffuse this whole terrible situation." "Are you serious?" "I'm afraid so, yeah, yeah." "Wow." "I don't know, man." "I guess it's ok." "What?" "She's old enough to make her own decisions, and if I was to step in now, she's only gonna go and do it with some guy that I don't like nearly as much as you." "I don't think I understand." "It's a european thing." "You have my blessing." "You guys are all crazy." "No, marshall's crazy." "# I am the music man # # funk is my energy # # music is the product of # # my factory #" "Marshall!" "Marshall!" "Thank you." "So you're getting divorced again?" "No, we're not divorced, steven." "We're... we're separated." "Just separated." "But, like, at least we're together." "Right?" "Oh." "Steve, steve." "If you see amanda, tell her I fell." "Hard..." "Off somethin' high." "I fell off somethin' high, and I'm hurt." "Very hurt." "Well, let's get this puppy back on and head back to the talent show." "Maybe we should leave it off." "Mmm." "My parents left already?" "They left before you played." "Yes!" "Oh, thank you." "Oh!" "Oh, that's awesome." "Thank you, man." "Oh!" "Oh, man." "Oh, that's awesome." "I'll tell 'em at easter." "Yeah." "You know, easter's better." "You know, granny's gettin' old." "If you're not gonna take her to bingo, then who is?" "If there's no bingo, then what?" "What... what does she live for, really?" "Ok, uh..." "I guess I'll wait for you down the hall." "Ok." "Ron..." "If you didn't want to go through with it, you should have said something." "You didn't need to go hide." "I wanted to." "I wanted to go through with it, like, so much." "Well, why didn't you?" "Because I don't know what the hell I'm doin' because I've never..." "Had sex with anyone." "No, no sex, no." "I've never said that to anyone before in my life." "I've never had sex, either." "No matter what, it would have been the best we'd ever had." "Yeah, that's true, also." "I didn't look at that side of the coin." "Yeah." "Wow." "Could you catch a red-eye?" "You know, I think I'd be good at it." "It's non-refundable." "Hey, ron." "What's goin' on?" "We're gonna go grab breakfast to celebrate our parents leaving." "Do you wanna come?" "No, I don't wanna..." "I don't wanna go." "Where's my, uh, where's my maxim magazine?" "I need it." "Now." "Where is it?" "Oh, it's in my room." "Good. # some people work in the line # # and they're doin' fine #" "# I don't work the line # # and I'm doin' # # fine!" "# # ah... # # choo #"