" (roaring) - (screaming)" "I got a plan for Baal-- I'm going to find him, take my chainsaw, shove it right up his ass." "(screaming) The book, it did something to me." "It feels like something inside of me that's trying to come out." "Pablo, you're our only hope of stopping Baal." "Kelly:" "Hey, quit fucking around." "Find the spell we need to send this asshole home." " (chanting in Sumerian) - (Baal roaring)" "(shrieking)" " (gasping) -uaughs)" " You slayed that shit." " Ash:" "You did it, Pablo!" "(gasps)" " (music playing on radio) - (tires screeching)" " (cat meows) - ♪ Oh, I just died in your arms..." "I" "(slurred) Oh, yeah." "Oh, I know what you're all saying." "Ash Williams saved everybody." "Yep, probably going to have a statue made and a parade in my honor." "You know what?" "(choked up) I'd give it all up just to have my little Mexican buddy back." "Oh, my-my Honduran-Mexican buddy back." "Here's to you." "Oh, yeah." "(bottles clattering)" "(burps) Nothing helps, does it?" "Of course, you don't answer." "Whoops." "'Cause you're dead!" " (tires screeching) - (man vocalizing)" "I I just died in your arms tonight..." "I" "This is bullshit." " Pablo didn't have to die." " (can opening)" " I should've saved him." " You couldn't have." "It was the only way." " Everybody dies." " Yeah, easy for you to say." "Pablo's entire lifespan measured about a second compared to yours." "Didn't he make that second count?" "In defeating Baal, he achieved more than I did in thousands of years." " (tires screeching) - (music continues)" "Oh, man, you can really taste the angel dust." "(exhaling)" "Ah, but no matter how baked I get, you're still gone, buddy." "Man, I wish I could just go back in time and undo all this." "Pablo:" "So just do it." ". HEY- . HEY" ""Do it"?" "Do what?" "If you could go back in time and change one moment in your life," " what would it be?" " Oh, no-brainer." "The moment I picked up the stupid book at the cabin." "So just change it." "Make sure you never, ever pick up that book." " Like ever." " (laughs)" "That's a good one." " How?" " Do exactly what you said." "Go back in time and undo all this." "Of course!" "I've done it before." " I went to the Middle Ages." " (echoing) Yeah." "And I can go back in time, change history, fix all this, and you'll be alive again, Pablo." "(tires screeching)" " (horn honking)" " Get in the car!" "Okay, I need you to read this right now." "Absolutely not." " Too risky." " Read it." "Ash, even if it works, we could damage so much more than we can fix." "Hey, guys, can you stop speaking in code and tell me what the fuck you're talking about?" "I'll do you one better." "I'll show you." "Ash, you're upset." "You should not be behind the wheel of a car." "Yes, I'm upset." "Yes, I'm behind the wheel." "Yes, I'm drunk." "And maybe my license isn't the fancy kind from the DMV, but at least I'm drunk!" "Now, you better read that spell right now, or we're all going to meet Pablo!" "(tires screeching)" "Ash, stop the fucking car." "Just do what he says!" "He's thinking even less than usual!" "(Ruby chanting in Sumerian)" "She's doing it!" "Stop the fucking car!" " She's reading it!" " Not until she's done!" "Linda, I'm going to fix everything, and come back for you!" "Hey, if Linda didn't hear that, could someone please tell her?" "!" "(Ruby chanting continues)" "(both yelling)" "(music playing)" "(Ruby chanting in Sumerian)" "(tires screech)" " (all panting) - (Ash chuckles)" "(music playing)" " (indistinct chatter)" " Car wash!" "What the actual fuck?" " Welcome to the '80s, kid." " We're in the '80s?" " (indistinct chatter)" " Kelly:" "As in the 1980s?" "1982." "Come on, Kelly." "Keep up." "But... how?" "There are infinite timelines, and always a primary present you, which remains constant, but the Necronomicon..." " Boring." " I'd like the explanation." "Okay, look, if young me never reads from that book, then evil will not plague my life, and Pablo will be alive again." "That's all you have to understand." " He's right." " 'Course I am." "Wait a minute." "My dad's around here." " I got to see the old bird." " Don't you dare." "That kind of interaction could cause profound causality paradoxes." "Think about it." "I know the sports scores for 30 years." " No." " Jeez." "Okay, so, now that we've time travelled, we just go back to the cabin to snatch the book before young Ash can read from it." "And that's all we do." "Got it?" "I'm just saying this is the year the Lions got in the playoffs with a losing record." " We can make some serious scratch." " Both:" "No." " Ash:" "Wow." " Wh-where-- where..." " Oh." " How-how... (chuckling) Don't worry about it, pal." "Here you go." "That'll help you forget that you just saw a car drive through a time portal from the future." "No, no, I can't drink." "My family has a history..." "Come on." "One little nip." "Your life will be exactly the same." "Come on." "Let's change history." "(yells)" "♪ Don't stop believin'..." "I" "Come on." "Come on." "Out of the way, safety boy!" " (horn honks)" " Whoa!" " Hey!" " ♪ Streetlights ♪" " (laughing) - ♪ People ♪" "♪ Don't stop believin' I" "I Hold on ♪" "♪ Streetlights ♪" "♪ People ♪" "I Don't stop ♪" "(groans)" "Now, don't you worry, my little burrito." "You'll be safe in this trunk while we change history and bring you back to life." "Kelly, got the letter I wrote?" ""Don't panic." "It's 1982." "We're in the cabin." "If your..." No apostrophe." ""...reading this, you're not dead." "P.S., you were dead."" "Perfect." " All right." " Dude, how are you smiling?" " Pablo's dead." " Because this is temporary." "Because I came up with a sweet plan to get him back?" "As sweet as your plan that got him killed in the first place?" " Hey, that plan worked." " (gun cocks)" "We defeated Baal." " And this plan's going to..." " (rumbling)" "(growling)" "No." "No." "I haven't been to the cabin yet." " (rustling)" " I haven't read from the book." " This can't be happening." " Apparently it can." "(rustling grows louder)" "Run!" "(growling)" "(grunting)" "(growling)" "(creaking)" "(shuddering)" "(laughs) Still got it." "(yells)" "Oh, hell." "(groaning)" "My evil mistress in the woods." "This is going to be our last tango." "And this time, you're going to follow my lead, biotch." "Okay, book, book, book." "Who's got the..." "Wait a minute." "I thought it was here." "(faint growling)" "Or did I find it in the cellar..." "with Scott?" "(gasps)" "Oh!" "Oh, you." "(exhales sharply) Okay, Ash." "It's just a stupid nail." "Stay focused." "I'm checking you last." "Kelly:" "Ash!" "I swear, he's like a superhero whose special power is "ruining everything."" "As much as it pains me to say it, he's proven himself to be inexplicably effective." "I'm guessing that English is your second or third language next to Sumerian or she-devil or whatever... but that's not effectiveness." "It's called dumb luck." "(groaning)" "Oh." "Oh!" "(faint growling)" "(groans) There's got to be a better way." "Yeah." "Kind of like an evil snake bite." "(yells, grunting)" "Too salty." "(stomach growling)" "(gagging)" "(high-pitched yelling)" "(gasping)" "(retching)" "(chuckles)" "(high-pitched laughter)" "Get out!" "Ooh!" "(yelling, grunting)" " (high-pitched laughter) - (groans)" "Time to spice up your life, huh?" "!" " (high-pitched grunting) - (sneezing)" "You like it hot?" "!" "You like it hot?" "!" " (high-pitched groaning) - (kettle whistling)" " (shrieking) - (high-pitched shrieking)" "Cw!" "Soup's on!" " (screaming) - (high-pitched screaming)" "(stomach growling)" "(demon screaming)" "Whoa!" "Fuck you, Ash!" "Fuck you!" "Fuck you, motherfucker!" "(laughing maniacally)" "Hey, little guy." "How do you like your eggs?" "Scrambled?" "!" "(yells)" " Yeah." " (pan clatters)" "All right, who's next?" "!" "Who's next?" "!" "Woman:" "Hello?" "Is somebody out there?" "Please!" "Help me!" "Please!" "I'm trapped!" "(creaks)" "Kelly:" "Incredible." "We didn't even make it to the cabin before Ash's brilliant plan freaked the toaster." "You know once we destroy the book, you don't have to follow him anymore." "You can forge your own path." "Who says I'm not already forging?" "I make my own choices, okay?" "I could forge the shit out of my path, if I wanted to." " I don't doubt it." " (twig snaps)" "Whoever's following us, come out now, or I start spraying!" "Let's keep going, huh?" "(creaking)" " (door creaks) - (Ash gasps)" "(rattling)" "(metallic clanging)" " (metal clinking) - (woman sobbing)" "Who's there?" " Woman:" "Please." "Help." " Who is that?" "Woman:" "He's chained me up and he won't let me go." "Who chained you up?" " I said who chained you up?" " My husband." "He's going to kill me." "Oh, Jesus!" "Henrietta." " How do I know you?" " We've met before." "Uh, actually, not yet." "Not for you, anyway." "Please let me go." "My husband, he's found some Book of the Dead." "And I don't know, it's changed him somehow." " Where's the book now?" " I have no idea." "I'm chained to the damn wall!" "I can help you find it." "Please, let me go, before he kills us both." "There's a key there on the table." "Please!" "How dare you." "Hiding inside a little old lady." " (groans)" " You must take me for a grade-A chump!" "What are you doing?" " (screams)" " Listen up, cupcake, I'm from the future." "So all of your Deadite mumbo jumbo isn't new to me." "You can pop now, you can pop later, I don't give a rat's ass." "All I care about is that book, and you're going to tell me where it is right now!" "Ow!" "Stop!" "You're worse than my husband!" " (shrieks) - (laughs)" "I can do this all day, sugar lips." "(car approaching)" " It's him." " (car doors close)" "(door opens)" "Man:" "Welcome to my cabin in the woods." " It is." " (door closes)" "Woman:" "It's really nice." "Looks like he's got a hot little number on the side, too." "Good for him." "I mean, uh, men are such pigs." "He's going to torture her, just like he tortured me." "Professor Knowby, I can't thank you enough for the extra credit." "(chuckles) You're a good student." "You deserve it." "Now, your roommates aren't going to be worried about you being away for the weekend?" "Oh, well, I live alone." "I had a cat, but it just ran away for absolutely no reason." "So, it's really just me." "More time to focus on your work." "(gasps)" "It's just the wind." "Now, before we start these translations, there's just something I need you to help me with." "Please, there's no time." "The key!" "No." "Not until I know where that book is." "Now spill." " Unlock me first." " Not a chance." "He always keeps it with him, so the book is here now." "Just let me go and I'll show you!" "Please!" "I'm not whatever you think I am!" "(cellar door opens)" "Please, don't let him hurt me again." "Professor Knowby:" "Down here." "Woman:" "Down there?" "Gosh, it's cold." "You'll forgive the darkness and the dirt." "And the cobwebs." "(chuckles)" "Maybe we should head back upstairs?" "Where there's more..." "light?" "Tanya, I'm sorry." "I fear I may have deceived you." "You're not really here to help me translate." "What do you mean, Professor?" "Wh... why am I here?" "For something much more important." "What the fu..." " Fuck!" " (gasps)" " (Screaming) " (gasps)" "Fuck!" "Oh, my dear, I'm so sorry." " (wailing)" " Does it hurt?" "Can I offer you some Ibuprofen?" "What?" "!" "Yes, it fucking hurts!" " (shrieking) - (metal creaking)" "Truly, I can't apologize enough." "But this really is my only option." " (crunching) - (screaming)" "Jesus... you were right." " Guy's a dick." " And he's going to kill her, too." "We need to stop him." "Tanya:" "Why are you doing this?" "!" "I have no choice." "On my last expedition, I found the Necronomicon." "I became obsessed with its power." " (wailing)" " It called to me... overtook me." "Please... he's a monster." "So, I read from the book, and summoned the Kandarian demon." "It was magnificent." "Unlike anything I've ever seen." "(whispers) Okay, I got this." "Go hide." "(whispers) Okay." "Until it possessed my wife, Henrietta." "That's why she's chained up down here." "You got to be kidding me." "Nothing else worked." "Maybe I can find a way to get the demon out of her and into you." "' (Tanya whimpering) " (gasps)" "That lying old witch." " (Deadite Henrietta cackling) - (Ash yelling)" " (gasps)" " Oh, no." "You brought us home a third." "How naughty of you!" " (gasps)" " What?" "The book, it's just been opened." "(leaves rustling, creaking)" "(both grunting, yelling)" "I'm going to stomp you a new mud hole to suck out your soul!" "I should've slapped you harder!" "(yells)" "Ruby, help!" "(choking)" "Ruby!" "Kelly!" "' (Pants) - (yells)" " (screaming) - (Deadite Henrietta cackling)" "That chin of yours is an easy target!" "Yeah?" "Now it's my turn, jelly belly." "(cackling continues)" "Help me!" "Please!" "Please!" "Can you get me out of here?" "!" "(panting)" "(screaming)" "Help!" "Let go!" "Stab it in its eye!" "The good news is now I can add "Demonic Tree"" "to the list of things that have tried to murder me since I met Ash." "Could have been worse." "Let's go find him." " (shrieking)" " Okay!" "Hey, hey!" "Listen to me!" "Shouting is not going to loosen the trap." " You got to stop!" " (panting)" "Okay, thank you." "Now, looks like you're stuck in there pretty good." "Good news is if we have to amputate to get you out, I'm your guy." "(chuckles) It may not seem like it, but this is your lucky day." "My name is Ash Williams." "I'm a hero from the future." "I'm here to save the world from evil... again." "(cackling in distance)" " (ripping) - (grunting)" "I'm Tanya." "I'm a student from Wisconsin." "I was here to help the professor with his book." " Stupid Necronomicon!" " (screaming)" " Jeez, I'm sorry." " (yells)" "That thing has been a festering boil on my ass for most of my adult life." " (yelling continues)" " But it ends today." " Believe that." " (screaming)" "(evil cackling)" " (stammering) - (groaning)" "Yep, working on it." "Give me a break, I got one hand!" "Jesus!" "(stomping)" "(yelling)" " Ash, stop!" " I can't!" "(mocking) I can't!" "Let go!" "I'm stuck!" "(mocking) I'm stuck!" "Tanya, stop the Professor!" "Don't let him take that book!" "Bye-bye, dear." " (buzzing)" " Let's have some fun!" "Why wait?" ""Ah!" "' Huh?" "!" "(both yell)" "You call that fun?" "(whimpering)" "Professor!" "Professor, please!" " I'm sorry, Tanya." " Please!" "I'm not normally like this, I swear!" "Oh, you're a fucking asshole!" "(Tanya screaming)" " (engine sputtering) - (Deadite Henrietta cackling)" "He's locked the door!" "Knowby, you open this goddamn door!" " Get back here!" " (evil cackling)" "Boo!" "I see you!" "You're both dirty birds." "And I'm going to hurt you real, real bad." "I Let's get physical, physical ♪" "I I wanna get physical I" "♪ Let's get into physical I" "I Let me hear your body talk I" "♪ Your body talk, let me hear your body talk ♪" "I Let's get physical, physical ♪" "I I wanna get physical I" "♪ Let's get into physical I" "I Let me hear your body talk I" "♪ Your body talk, let me hear your body talk ♪" "Created by:" "A. Vandelay Post Haste Digital"