"Morning, comrade!" "Ow, ow, ow." "This is how we drink tea in Russia." "With pain." "Okay, can you stop with the accent?" "It's a little early for that." "It's never too early to be in character." "Well, yes, it is." "What do Russians have against mugs?" "You need the metal thing." "There's a metal thing with a handle that the cup goes into." "How do you know that?" "I used to date a Russian woman." "Yana Popov." "Like the vodka." "No relation." "But she didn't get along with my dog, and she had a weird mole." "So, why am I here early?" "What the fuck?" "Why is that there?" "It was too hot." "I'll get paper towels." "You drag me here at the ass-crack of dawn..." "It's early morning." "It's nice." "It's..." "It's quiet." "Look, I have tolerated her being here because I, uh..." "I actually enjoy watching you make her feel like shit, but we have an unspoken rule that we stay as far away from each other as possible." "It's time to break that rule." "You said, "Find me a great heel."" "She's a perfect heel for your face." "Sam, I am not working with her." "You are a bright shining star." "She is a dirty, nasty, stepped-in-dog-shit heel." "Hey." "You are USA." "She's Soviet Union." "It's the title card for the pilot." "It's the main event, Debbie." "In Soviet Union, we clean with rubles and hide paper towels under mattress." "Nothing?" "That was solid." "She was killing the other day with that." "All right?" "I swear." "Do the thing I like." "I am Zoya..." "the Destroya." "You are weak capitalist dog." "I am noble Soviet bear." "Okay." "Do it in the ring." "It'll look better up there." "Okay." "This way you can see what she can do." "All right?" "Just watch, Debbie." "Watch." "So, I've been working on these opening moves called" ""the hammer and sickle."" "I'll just show you." "I'll just show you." "Um..." "So, it's... the hammer!" "I start with a body slam." "You get back up, and then I sickle your feet so you..." "You:" "And then I get you here." "I got you in a hammerlock." "You get up, you turn it around on me." "You lock me up, and you think you got me, but then I come back around with the soon-to-be-famous" ""rough toilet paper!"" "And then, you know, it's fight, fight, fight." "I'm bad, you're good." "I'm winning." "You're winning." "Oh, step off!" "She's still got me!" "Oh, you stupid American swine!" "You think you're getting away, but I get you by your hair." "I spin you around, and I set you up for "the bread line."" "I get you up again for "the potato soup."" "Eat it!" "Still working on the names." "And then, you know, I still..." "I've got you by the hair and big finish." ""Vodka for breakfast!"" "But then, of course, you would come back and defeat me with something all-American and awesome, because you're... blonde." "Wow!" "See?" "She's the best villain we have." "It's everything you need." "I think we can do better." "That was not what I had hoped for." "Well, maybe you could have warned me, and then I could have prepared more." " Take the day off." " But I'm here." "I'm ready to work." "Well, you can't work if I can't get your scene partner into the goddamn ring." "I'll deal with Debbie." "So, what am I supposed to do?" "I don't know." "Get a facial." "Go shopping." "I guess I could work on my character." "Sharpen the edges." "I once went so method as April in a production of Company, my boyfriend didn't recognize me." "Then he hit on me at an airport bar." "And then, well..." "I was really great in that production." "I just used my pain to emote." "Yeah." "Deep dive." "Deep dive." "Oh, goddamnit!" "Fuck." "You wanna order dessert?" " Breakfast dessert?" " Fuck, yeah." "Like carrot cake?" "Oh, my God." "Yes." "That's genius." "I don't think I have time." " I gotta go to practice." " Ditch." "Come on." "We could hang out, go to Poseur, flip through records at Aron's." "I really have to." " So, maybe I could come with you." " Sam says rehearsals are closed." "Who's Sam?" "Our director, Sam Sylvia." "Have you ever seen Venus in Chains or Gina the Machina?" "Oh, yeah, yeah." "I think I saw that Venus one." "It sucked." "All tits and blood." "Total hack job." "That's the genre." "Ripping off De Palma isn't a genre." "De Palma ripped off Hitchcock." "So, he's a double hack." "A hack of a hack." "Fucking perfect." " I've gotta go." " Come on." "I was kidding." "I'm sure when people read your zine, not everyone thinks it's art." "Hey, Agnostic Toad is fucking awesome." "I don't care what people think." "I'm not writing it for the masses." "Justine." "Come on, one more coffee." "Maybe I'll see you later." "Wha...?" "Maybe?" "Gregory." "Just the man I wanted to see." "Hey, how do you say "Gregory" in Russian?" "Gregory." "Uh, excuse me." "I have to go." " Go?" "Where?" " Do you need something?" "I know the machine is out from diet orange, but there is grape." "Oh." "I'm not really a soda person." "Listen, Gregory..." "I need to pick your brain." "I don't need to pay for it." ""Pay for it"?" "Brain picking, dick licking..." "I have woman... sometimes." "She gets mad at me." "Says I don't listen." " I am not a hooker." " Of course not." "Uh... how you saying?" "Escort." "I'm an actress." "I'm playing a character." "Zoya the Destroya, the Soviet Scourge." "I have cousin Zoya." "You look nothing like her." "She's a big girl, and good personality." "I need to learn more about being Russian, and you're the only Russian I know." "You don't know me." "And I have to be going." " Can I come with you?" " It's a family function." "Families love me." "Look." "I really wanna be an authentic representation, not some cartoon Russian villain." "Out of respect for your culture." "I think you deserve better than Boris and Natasha." "Fine." "Go change your clothes." "Uh, and don't dress like what you say you're not." "Listen up, you little punk." "You need to be in school." "And end up an old spinster librarian like you?" " No, thanks." " I'm not a spinster." "I'm a genius." "And I get all the boys with my big brain." "Oh, yeah, 'cause guys love a big brain." "Ooh, you little guttersnipe!" "You're just jealous of my horse!" "What horse?" "Oh." "Sam's getting me a horse." "Why do you need a horse if you're the brain?" "I think he's just trying to butter me up for a big part in his next movie," "Mothers and Others." "Mothers and Lovers." "No, I think it was "Others." I sort of read it." "He let you read it?" "Well, Sam read it to me." "Yeah, but I was sleeping and then I'd wake up and doze off again, and he was reading, reading, reading..." "His voice is quite soothing." "So, you're, like... sleeping with him?" "Well, like I said, I'd doze off and then wake up again." "It's not great sleep." "The sex is nice, though." "I'm pretty into it." "You wanna feel Russian, you must drink vodka." "Oh." "Wow." "That's strong." "Guess I'd better get used to it." "Zoya drinks like a sailor and swears like a fish." "Fish don't talk." "Hoo." "Really feeling that." "Probably should've had breakfast." "You want some sturgeon on rye bread?" " Aw, look at you being a considerate date." " This is not date." "I have woman, sometimes." "She gets mad at me." "She says I don't take her out enough." "So... what's with the horse head?" "My cousin Michael is chess champion." "Eighteen-and-under division." "Very good." "Oh, so, is this, like, a celebration for him or...?" "Did he die?" " I can't tell from the faces." " He's new to America." "Was very difficult for him to get out." "So, we sponsor him, make big noise." "And Russia likes Jews only slightly more than faggots." "Oh, I didn't know you were Jewish." "I wear a giant chai." "Oh..." "I thought that was a cat." "No!" "No!" "I change my mind." "Fuck religion." "Don't touch my penis." "Here we go." "Say goodbye." "It only hurts a little." " What's going on?" " His bris." "Now that we're in America, we're free to be Jews." "Is covenant." "We celebrate." "Well, if it ain't Miss America." "You know, I think I seen you before." "Oh, darling." "Where would we have ever crossed paths?" "No, I know I seen you." "It was at the supermarket." "They take all my food stamps there." "Yeah, I did." " I saw you there in the frozen-food aisle." " That is impossible." "I only eat fresh fruits and vegetables, bloody red steaks and, well, the occasional apple pie." "Mm-mm." "No, I know I seen you there." "I was going through with my cart, looking for them Mrs. Paul fish sticks and the Hungry-Man dinners." "Love me the mashed potatoes in a Hungry-Man dinner." "I really can't see where we would've crossed paths." " You see..." " No." "Right there, by the ice cream and the Puddin' Pops." "There you were... a stone-cold frozen bitch!" "That's right." "America will not..." "You pushed me." "Yeah!" "Mama said no!" " Go, Welfare Queen!" " Yeah, what you know about that?" "What you know about that?" "Welfare Queen!" "Welfare Queen!" "Welfare Queen!" "Welfare Queen!" "Welfare Queen!" "Welfare Queen!" "Welfare Queen!" "Welfare Queen!" "Welfare Queen!" "Hey, hey, hey." "Where you going?" "I'm supposed to be the face." "They're chanting for her." "Come on, Debbie." "This could work." "I mean, this is like an internal struggle about racial inequality in America." "She hogs the ring and the story makes no sense." " Find someone else." " Maybe you're too picky." "Am I?" "Or am I your headliner?" "Unless you've got some other name-brand actress hiding under the bleachers." "No, you know what?" "You're right." "You're right." "We'll just keep going until we find somebody you're comfortable with." "Oh!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "Go, go, go!" "Life is suffering." "I was just saying that this morning." "I am so on the Russian wavelength." "I am like... one of those dolls in a doll, in a doll, in a doll." "I am many dolls." "Because I am so into myself." "Do you get it, though?" "I'm into myself." "It's a thinker." "Will you introduce me to more people?" "No." "You say you want real thing, but you keep asking stupid questions." "We didn't all work in factories and write sad poetry." "Ah." "Okay, fine." "I'll just introduce myself." "I am Zoya." "Thanks to you for having me at party." "Who is this?" "Where's Lupe?" "She's mad at me." "Thinks I don't pay enough attention to her." "Mm." "Is more fun than work break at Gulag." "What's the matter with her?" "What's she talking about?" "She's in character." "Actress." "So she says." "Maybe hooker." "When Michael heals, she might be a nice present for him." "Why did you bring an actress whore to a sacred rite of passage?" " She's bothering everyone." " You know I have trouble saying no." "Somebody please get me a drink!" "Nice to meeting you." "I have to get the boy some vodka." "Excuse me." "Nice to meeting you, too." "I love that." ""Nice to meeting you." "Nice to meeting you."" ""Zoya, nice to meeting you."" "Okay, okay." "I'm sorry, but isn't a bris supposed to happen when you're a baby?" "I mean, if you can scream for vodka, maybe you're a little too old." "In Russia, it wasn't option." "We had to live in secret." "Now he's in America, he gets to be who he is." "Oh..." "like Yentl." "Yentl had to come to America to be who she was." "Yes," "Michael and me and all our relatives, we're just like Yentl." "Is she going to sing something from Yentl?" " Don't encourage her." " Yentl!" "But I love Barbra Streisand." "And it's my party." "Does anyone have a microphone?" "What's happening?" "Michael want you to sing song from Yentl." "You sing from Yentl, da?" "You know Yentl?" "Come on." "Everybody knows Yentl." "This is for my buddy right here." "You've had a very rough day." "So, picture me in a little cap and glasses, okay, pretending to be a man." " Who is this girl, huh?" " Ahem." "♪ There are moments ♪" "♪ You remember all your life ♪" "♪ There are moments you wait for ♪" "♪ And dream of all your life ♪" "♪ This is one of those moments ♪" "♪ Moments ♪" "♪ I will always remember this chair That window ♪" "Can't fight me if you can't catch me!" "Infidel!" "Nope." "Come on, you..." "You rabid dog." "You mangy mutt." "You wanna bite me?" "You wanna bite me?" "Help!" "Okay, then you could just charge me." "Do you wanna bite me?" "Just bite me." "Okay." "She's gonna bite me!" "Oh, my God!" "She could bite me squarely in the butt!" "If she desired." "That's really reductive." "Okay." "I mean, I'm not really su..." "So, what am I supposed to do?" "Debate her?" "Hey." "You leaving?" "Why not?" "Today's a glorified private rehearsal." "I have a star problem." "What about the 12 other girls busting their ass out there?" "You and Barbie, get your shit together." "And I'll come back when you're ready to work." "Great." "Hey..." "Can I get a little privacy, please?" "Hey!" " What's up, old man?" "You need something?" " Hilarious." "Why don't you work on your wrestling skills?" "You've got the biting wit down pat." "Yeah, why don't you work on your movies instead of selling out?" "What the fuck does that mean?" "How am I selling out?" "Uh, I don't know, by doing a wrestling show that's just a big casting couch for you." "Fucking Rhonda." "Goddamnit." "That's none of your business, so, just keep quiet." "Right." "You only listen to women if you're fucking them." "Wow, maybe you should go back to practice." "If you don't start impressing the shit out of me on the mats," "I'm canning your weird, stalkery, overly critical ass." "You got that?" "You have piss on your pants." "Jesus Christ." "I feel good about this one." "I mean, she barely talks, and she can move." "Viking scum, this is America." "Take your horns and your raiding and go back to Norway." "Wait, whoa." "What are you doing?" "Oh!" "I was Liberty Belle!" "You need to hire someone else, someone without rage issues." "One's too hot, one's too cold." "Goldilocks, why are you fighting the inevitable?" " Because she fucked my husband!" " Oh, so what?" "That's life." "Get over it already." "You still have to wake up and be a professional." "You can't just go out and do coke and piss away all your money and screw people who are named after liqueurs." "I mean, what happens then?" " You end up here?" " You end up here." "Okay, well, I am trying to make the best of a bad situation." " I mean, how much worse can it get?" " Worse?" "You're young, you're working." "I mean, shut the fuck up." "I could be at home with my baby." "Oh, my God!" "Not this again." "Please." "Babies are boring." "I mean, they don't party, they haven't traveled, they have no sense of irony." "And you love this shit." "You love being a temperamental star." "I know you do." "If you were at home with that kid, your life would become just anger and resentment." "No work, no husband." "You would burn up in a smoldering ash heap of rage and disappointment." "You think that's good for you or your boring baby?" "It's not." "Look." " Ruth is the right match for you." " Sam." "Because one, she's actually talented, and two, she's gonna make you look great." "Hate her all you want." "Shalom, everyone!" "Shalom!" "Mazel, mazel!" "I am Gittel, the Orthodox Warrior!" "It's all about the Jews now." " The fuck is this?" " I will beat you with a chicken." "I will lock you up with my completely covered legs and guilt you into submission." "What now?" "It's my new character." "See..." "Look, you're right, you're right." "If Russia can't go to war with America, what's the point?" "Right?" "So, I am gonna take... the terrorist, and we are gonna kill." "I'm gonna..." "I'm gonna build settlements all over your ass, and then you're gonna try to blow me up, but it won't work, because I'm too clever and thrifty." "And then I'll just..." "I'll enter the ring with like 17 children who have those little curls and..." "Oh, God!" "It's gonna be great!" "I mean, don't get me wrong." "I love the Russians." "I love the Russians." "Could have gone all the way with the Russians, who are..." "They're pretty big Streisand fans, by the way." "But then again, who isn't?" "I gotta adjust." "So, it's all about going with the flow." "Just..." "Come on, bitch." "Watch me drop some Talmud on ya head." " Um..." " You don't..." "I've been working on stuff with Melrose." "What am I supposed to do?" "Typical whiny Soviet." ""What should I do?" "I'm so cold, so, I only dress in gray and build things out of cinder block."" "Lousy Commies." "You think your nukes are so big?" "Wait till you get a load of our warheads." "Because this is the greatest country on Earth, and I am willing to fight for it." "Yeah." "Let's go, you dirty Russian." "Oh, shit." "Yeah, come on." "Oh." "You want to play with me, prom queen?" "Take this." "You think you're so great... with your..." "Your... decadent fast food and your disgusting football, which is wrong name for this sport, because football is soccer." "Can't even name your sports right." "In America, we're free." "Free to kick your red, scary ass even redder." "In Soviet Union, we eat stars and stripes for breakfast." "That's because there's no food." "All you people have to eat are turnips, snow and misery." "We are empire." "Well, we are America!" "Ooh!" " Throw me." " What?" "Use this hand and throw me." "You'll look great." " All right, on three?" " All right." "Ooh!" "I'd stay down there if I were you, Boris." "And God bless the USA." "Oh, you may have defeated me today, but this cold war is only starting to heat up." "Sorry." "Sorry." "I get the last line." " Fine." " Freedom!" "I'm gonna barf." "Russia." "World's biggest alcoholics, and they can't even hold their liquor." "Am I right?" "I have woman, sometimes." "She thinks I don't give enough pleasure with mouth." "I really like this girl, man..." "but I can't seem to say anything right." "Hmm..." "Maybe you give pleasure with mouth." "You don't talk so much, you don't say wrong things." "That's a thought." "♪ Ready, Steady, Go ♪" "♪ Ready, Steady, Go ♪" "♪ Ready, Steady, Go ♪" "♪ Ready, Steady, Go!" "♪" "♪ I'm not in love with television ♪" "♪ I'm not in love with the radio ♪" "♪ I'm not in love With the King's Road ♪" "♪ Whoa ♪" "♪ Because I'm in love With Cathy McGowan ♪" "♪ She said ♪" "♪ Ready, steady, go ♪" "♪ Well, all the things she said ♪" "♪ Like ready, steady, go ♪" "♪ Well, wasn't it fabulous?" "♪" " ♪ Ready ♪ - ♪ Ready!" "♪" " ♪ Steady ♪ - ♪ Steady!" "♪" "♪ Go!" "♪" "♪ I'm not in love with Juke Box Jury ♪" "♪ I'm not in love With Thank Your Lucky Stars ♪" "♪ I'm not in love with T-T-T-Twiggy ♪" "♪ Because I'm in love With Cathy McGowan ♪" "♪ She said ♪" "♪ Ready, steady, go ♪" "♪ Well, all the things she said ♪" "♪ Like ready, steady, go ♪" "♪ Well, wasn't it fabulous?" "♪" " ♪ Ready ♪ - ♪ Ready!" "♪" " ♪ Steady ♪ - ♪ Steady!" "♪" "♪ Go!" "♪" "♪ Go, go, go, go!" "♪"