"*one,two, one, two, three, four * * ooh * * yeah, I'll be fine, yeah * * ooh * * oh yeah, here * * oh, the good lord knows it, oh, the good lord knows it *" "* ooh *" "* I left better behind * * to be fine * * make my mama turn another blind eye * * yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah *" "* I left better behind to be fine *" "Oh, what are you doing?" "Gnawing on your face." "Why?" "It's christmas, and I wanted to gnaw on my boyfriend's face." "John used to do this, but now he's too old." "Okay." "Um, gnaw on my face." "Yeah?" "Mm." "It's good, yeah?" "Mm." "It's all right." "What can I do to make today less shit for you?" "Love me." "Yeah?" "Done." "Nailed it." "Have you ever seen a vagina as out as mine?" "Pardon?" "I've watched porn, and there are never any outies." "Mine is so out." "It's not that out." "Fuck you." "It is out." "It's really out." "Well, I really, really like your vagina" "And all of its work." "I'm not saying it's a bad thing." "I like outie vaginas." "They're really friendly." "They're like, "hey, how's it goin'?"" "(both chuckle)" "Well, I think you have a beautiful vagina." "Does claire have an outie?" "Well, this feels like a trap." "Hey, hey, take a look at this pimple for me." "Ooh." "This one." "Do you think I should pop it?" "Should she pop it or should she leave it till tomorrow?" "Tomorrow." "Cool." "I try tomorrow." "Hurry up, ya bastards!" "Oh, hannah, we're gonna be late now!" "Hannah:" "(grunts) fuck!" "Fuck!" "(grunts) * hark the herald-- *" "Christ!" "Fuck!" "Oh, no." "Oh!" "S-- oh, I should have knocked." "I'm sorry." "Yeah, everything would be great if you'd knocked." "Oh..." "Well, uh, are you okay?" "Think we're beyond that question now." "Do you still want to do christmas?" "Might as well." "We'll talk about this later." "Yeah." "Between mains and dessert?" "(sighs)" "(knocking) -rose:" "Hello!" "It's santa!" "(christmas music plays)" "No, I'm just kidding!" "It's mum and hannah." "Hi!" "Oh, now, sorry we're late." "It's not hannah's fault." "Okay." "Merry christmas." "It just isn't christmas without my shortbread!" "Rose:" "Hi!" "I made my shortbread!" "All:" "Hi, rose!" "Hi!" "It isn't christmas without my shortbread!" "Here you go, alan." "Oh, yum." "Yes, please." "Good." "Hi, I'm ella." "Hi!" "Oh, no thanks." "Oh, mae-- mae, have-- have some shortbread." "Oh!" "Uh, okay." "I'm going to go try to convince grace to go to sleep." "Oh, okay." "Can I have a piece of shortbread?" "Oh, yeah." "Thank you." "* we'll have lots of fun with mr." "Snowman *" "Come on, gracie." "I dropped the gravy." "Yep." "(sighs)" "Does-- does your family like gravy?" "Yeah." "What you're gonna do is" "You're gonna take these paper towels" "And you're gonna clean up the gravy," "And we're just never gonna tell anyone" "That there was ever any gravy, all right?" "Christmas really lost its sheen" "Once I started being able to afford my own toys." "All singing along:" "* gone away is the bluebird * * here to stay, is the new bird * * it sings a love song * * as we go along, walking in a winter wonderland *" "Beans!" "Beans!" "Oh, my god." "Mae:" "Gracie's down." "I hope she's asleep for a long time." "I hope till she's 18." "(laughs) 18!" "Got any ice, josh?" "The punch is warm." "Tom?" "I forgot to get ice." "(all groan) -um, everyone eat please." "It's going cold." "Rose:" "No, no, no!" "Hey!" "No!" "Just not before" "The crackers, you idiot!" "We've got to do the crackers first!" "Yeah, you idiot." "Lame idiot." "Yeah." "You look like ellen degeneres" "If ellen degeneres was a candle." "Oh!" "I think you're okay." "(crack) -mae:" "Oh, don't hold so much of it!" "Just..." "This is properly thrilling." "Rose:" "Here we go." "(pop) -oh, why didn't it bang?" "I usually make them bang." "What I need you to do is" "At some time today I need you to take some shortbread," "I need you to say, "jeez, rose, this is delicious shortbread." -okay." "Now?" "(crack) -no, not now." "It's too obvious." "Why do you keep cheating, huh?" "Why is this so important to you?" "Oh, hey, let's not talk about cheating!" "Oh!" "No!" "Stuart." "I meant stuart, mae." "Not you, not you." "Or alan." "You, for that matter." "Tom:" "Why didn't you tell me you were jewish?" "Ella:" "So that you'd get me a gift." "Guys!" "Oh, no." "Claire has no one to do her cracker with." "Oh, maybe claire has to do it by herself." "I don't want to do it by myself." "I'll do it with you." "Claire:" "Okay." "Josh:" "No, dad!" "She has to do it by herself." "Yeah." "Tom:" "No one in the world." "'cause she's alone." "Oh, maybe I won't do the cracker then." "Oh, it's probably because of that attitude" "Josh, christmas is about charity." "You do it with her." "Go on." "Josh will do it with you." "Yeah, josh." "Yes, I'll do the pity cracker with claire." "Thank you." "(crack)" "Oh, you fu..." "I won." "*do,do ,do ,do ,do * * ah *" "Oh, should I-- should I go get ice?" "Rose:" "No!" "Not now." "We just started eating." "There's red wine there." "Where's the gravy?" "Oh." "So guys..." "I forgot to make gravy." "(all gasp)" "What?" "Joshua!" "Oh, what a shame." "I agree and I'm very sorry, but perhaps we can just forgive" "And forget on this-- this holiest of days, yep?" "Mm." "Great shortbread, rose." "Alan:" "Here you go." "Er, what-- uh..." "What did the zero say to the eight?" ""nice belt."" "Ella:" "I don't get it." "Mae:" "Okay..." "Alan:" "Oh." "Why did santa's helper go to the doctor?" "All:" "Huh?" "Herpes!" "(all laugh)" "Telling me to eat the shortbread was so harsh!" "She loved it." "It was adorable." "No, she watched me eat the whole thing" "Like I was a cat taking medicine." "Yeah." "Tom:" "Hannah, where's your hat?" "What?" "Why aren't you wearing your hilarious hat?" "Do you think you're too good for your hat, hannah?" "Oh, yeah!" "Put your hat on, hannah!" "King hannah!" "(laughs)" "It's christmas." "You have to wear the hat." "Yeah!" "Claire's not wearing one." "I don't have a hat." "Josh:" "'cause she lost." "I would really like to see you in the hat, hannah." "I'm not wearing the fucking hat." "Rose:" "Uh, okay, guys." "Um..." "Hannah's been a bit depressed lately," "So just go easy, all right?" "Fine, fine." "(mouthing) are you okay?" "Tom:" "I guess a novelty hat on a depressed person" "Would just highlight how depressed they are." "Mm, like how it'd be weird to see a depressed person on a jet-ski." "Tom:" "Mm." "Um, I think you'd look hot on a jet-ski." "Who is that?" "This is new." "Yes." "I was, um, wondering about that." "Josh:" "It's vegetarian nut roast, and it's for arnold." "Nice of josh to make it for me, yeah?" "Yes." "Oh..." "Oh..." "Tastes like blended cardboard." "Ugh!" "Does it?" "Rose, just put some salt on it." "Ella:" "Okay, what is the worst present" "That everyone's ever received?" "I'm gonna go first because obviously" "I wanna say mine." "That's why I asked the question." "My dad once gave me maths tutoring." "Cool." "Alan:" "I bet he felt as bad as the, um," "The two wise men that brought frankincense and myrrh" "When they saw the other bloke brought gold." "(all chuckle)" "Did you just make that joke up?" "Yep." "No, you didn't." "I'm thinking of taking up the flute." "Claire:" "Oh, yeah?" "'cause I was, um, I was really musical" "When I was young, but I just wasn't pushed enough." "Right." "Hannah, turkey?" "Yeah, sure." "What's this?" "What's that made out of?" "It's cotton." "Feels really nice." "Claire:" "What about yours?" "Oh, it's cotton too." "Oh, high five!" "(laughs) -(grace cries)" "Mae:" "Sorry." "We are having a bit" "Of trouble getting her to sleep." "Hopefully she will calm down." "Well, she sound very distressed." "Yes, yes." "I" " I" " I know." "I can hear her." "I know how she sounds." "(gracie cries louder) -maybe I should go and check on her." "No." "I am not going to be the mean parent." "You bought me the book." "You made me read the book." "You agree with what's in the book," "So we have 11 minute and 38 seconds, okay?" "Before we can check on her." "It's christmas, mae." "But grace doesn't have a concept of christmas, does she?" "I will not be the bad guy!" "All right." "She-- she will stop crying." "All right." "Mae, I think you're doing a really good job." "Thank you, claire." "We didn't have to do this with josh." "Mae:" "Please..." "Rose, I have this under control." "Maybe I could just sneak in there and have a little nibble." "Mae:" "Josh, please." "(rose laughs)" "Josh:" "No, no." "I'm not worried about her." "I just wanna..." "Go in there and have a little nibble, you know?" "Just a little..." "A little nibble." "Sorry," "Is no one going to make a joke about josh?" "Yeah, how no parenting techniques that are used on him" "Should ever be used again?" "'cause he's shit." "(all laugh) -big nostrils." "You?" "!" "I don't think big nostrils are a result of bad discipline." "(all laugh) -well, you wouldn't stop picking your nose." "Alan:" "Remember when we told josh that if he kept on" "Picking his nose, his nostrils would" "Get huge and then everybody would know that he picked his nose?" "And I can't believe it's true." "(all laugh)" "He went white." "Whiter than that?" "Okay." "All right." "I don't think you can get whiter." "Yeah, you know what?" "I'm happy." "I'm happy to sacrifice myself so we can all bond." "Whiter than going to the farmers' market?" "Whiter than binge drinking, huh?" "(all laugh)" "You're right, josh." "He's not boring at all." "What?" "(grace stops crying)" "Oh, it worked." "She stop." "Rose:" "Yeah, today grace learned that just because" "She's upset doesn't mean she deserves to be cared for." "Rose." "That's uncalled for." "It's unfair and it's uncalled for." "(chortles)" "All right, all right." "I'm sorry." "I'm so sorry." "I-- look, I regret saying it." "Look, I'm sorry, mae." "So hannah, did you get anything nice for christmas?" "No." "Ella:" "I'm sorry, I don't understand what just happened." "Why couldn't you go check on her?" "We're doing controlled crying." "Oh, right." "I wouldn't be able to do controlled crying." "No offense, mae." "I just wouldn't be up to do it." "Claire:" "Why is this all being directed at mae?" "Alan agreed not to check on her too." "Rose:" "Everyone is forcing their kids" "To grow up too soon these days." "Mae:" "I am not forcing her to grow up!" "I am just making sure that when she does grow up," "She's not some wingeing brat." "No offense, josh." "Some taken." "Is there any gravy, josh?" "No." "Hannah, there's no gravy." "Did you not hear..." "No." "Never mind." "Hannah, are you okay?" "Yeah, I'm fine." "Ella:" "I mean, for all we know," "Her crying could be baby talk" "For, "help!" "There's a snake in my bed!"" "Yeah, maybe I'll just pop my head in." "No, alan." "What do you think, tom?" "I just wouldn't be bothered checking on her." "No, that's not what you think." "Josh:" "Yeah!" "What do you think, tom?" "Rose:" "Yeah, tom." "Um..." "I" " I think it's totally fine." "I think it's really responsible parenting, mae." "Oh, yuck." "That was gross to watch." "Never stand for anything ever again, tom." "I thought that maybe that you'd agree with me 'cause I'm your girlfriend." "Okay, yeah." "I agree with ella." "No, you don't." "I think" " I" " I-- okay, I think" "Whatever is easiest to think." "I just said that before to try and help mae" "And lonely, poor claire." "Alan:" "Why does everybody keep making jokes" "About claire being lonely?" "You'd be knocking them back, wouldn't you, claire?" "It's 'cause they've got nothing else on me." "You're getting dangerously close to flirting with claire," "And I just wanna..." "Intercept early, yeah?" "Yeah." "Thank you, josh." "You've had heaps of boyfriends." "Um..." "I've had, like, a few short-lived mistakes," "And then there was josh..." "Boom." "That doesn't count." "It counts as a mistake." "You made him gay." "Thank you, claire." "Anybody?" "If you want to say anything about tom..." "Fuck yeah." "Achievement." "Ding, ding, ding." "Didn't make me gay, am I right?" "Sorry, ella." "You can have him back if you like." "At this point, I'd probably consider it." "Don't say that." "Why would you say that?" "You're being like snape's secretary in "love actually"." "No, I'm not." "So josh thinks that maybe tom is still in love with claire." "Oh, my..." "Ooh-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!" "Awkward alert!" "Josh:" "No, I didn't say that." "Did I say that?" "I didn't say that." "I never heard him say that." "He didn't say that." "Yeah, I think he said it with his eyes." "Oh, he did say it with his eyes." "No!" "Don't-- don't trust my eyes." "I was probably thinking about slow-roasted meats, ella." "Tom isn't in love with me." "I'm not." "Well, maybe a little bit." "Why?" "I'm not." "He's just joking." "Doesn't really seem like joking." "I'd kill for some ice." "I'll go get it." "Don't, ella." "No, it's fine." "I'm jewish, so" "Ella, don't go." "Don't go." "Really?" "Yes." "Okay." "Maybe now that grace is asleep, I could just sneak in there" "For a little nibble?" "Maybe a little munch on her..." "On her ear?" "Since when did you start liking babies, josh?" "You hate babies." "Other babies, yes." "Not grace." "Grace is the beyoncé of babies." "Josh, you want babies!" "Josh:" "No." "Isn't it weird to think that beyoncé was a baby once?" "You almost just don't believe it." "Hey, I don't want babies." "Oh, me neither." "I don't much like drinking red wine during the day." "Gives me a headache." "I have seen so much soap shaped like cupcakes this year." "I'm just sick of it." "Like, it doesn't soap up like real soap," "Nor does it cupcake like cupcake." "You said it." "Um, did you know that, um, some city birds" "Have started using cigarette butts in their nest" "Because, um, the burnt nicotine wards off fleas and lice?" "Ah." "Wow, that's really interesting." "Sounds like a-- a lie put out by big tobacco." "(laughs)" "Oh, I thought you were joking." "No, he was not joking." "Not joking." "Tom:" "Maybe that's what those homeless guys are doing" "When I see them picking up cigarette butts off the street." "Huh?" "Josh:" "What?" "For their nests?" "Are you sure you're okay?" "What did I say last time?" "That you were fine." "Okay." "So, if I tell you I'm not fine," "And I hate christmas, and I hate myself," "Would you back the fuck off?" "Okay." "Oh!" "I forgot to tell you about stuart!" "Apparently he's back in the psych ward." "I spoke to his wife, you know, hazel," "And apparently he's suffering" "From post traumatic stress disorder 'cause he got in a car accident and killed three kids." "Uh, hazel said it wasn't his fault," "But of course she would say that, wouldn't she?" "Fuck!" "Poor guy." "Rose:" "Yes, see the problem is" "Hazel's now having a lot of trouble working out" "If the bad bits in his personality" "Are because of the ptsd or if it's because he's just a dickhead." "Alan:" "Oh, josh, I've been meaning to ask." "How's your friend ben?" "Alan!" "That was meant to be a secret!" "Oh, no." "It's-- it's okay." "I know." "Yeah, everybody knows." "It's fine." "Ben is recovering well." "Thank you for asking." "(grace cries)" "Please can we not mention it?" "(john wheezes) -oh, shit!" "John, buddy, what have you eaten?" "Oh-- oh-- it's-- it's okay." "I'll" " I'll get it." "Hey, hey, hey, hey, you all right?" "(grace continues crying)" "She sounds very distressed." "What if something is wrong?" "Do you want a holiday house on the beach or in the country?" "Um, beach." "Um, with a fireplace and a grand piano." "I just want to spread her ear on a little cracker with some quince paste." "Can I just stand outside the door and check?" "No, okay?" "No one is picking her up!" "(grace stops crying)" "All right, so who's ben?" "Sorry." "Ben is a friend of mine." "I really don't want to talk about it." "Rose:" "What friend?" "You don't have any other friends." "I am branching out." "Where would you meet other friends?" "Just around." "Rose:" "What, on the internet?" "You don't know who you're talking to on the internet, josh." "Could be a troll." "Could someone please change the subject?" "How are so many guys interested in you?" "What do they see in you?" "Personality." "No." "No, no." "No, no, no." "Yes." "Arnold, can you shed some light on this?" "No." "I can't remember." "Tom:" "Claire?" "Mm." "I was a teenager." "I had no confidence." "Oh." "Wish I could do a focus group and figure it out." "I think maybe they get lost in my eyes." "Claire:" "Ha." "Mm!" "Why are you friends with him, tom?" "Tom:" "Uh, desperation..." "Convenience..." "And hon-- honestly, uh..." "Being friends with josh is just slightly less effort" "Than having to find somewhere else to live." "(giggles)" "The same for you?" "Okay." "Well, he does nice things." "For example, before, he took the blame" "For me dropping the gravy." "(all gasp) -oh, no." "Tom:" "Whoa!" "Whoa!" "So, there was gravy?" "Yeah, there-- there was, but I dropped it." "You dropped the gravy?" "Yeah, I dropped the gravy." "Claire:" "Oh, my god." "He just keeps saying it out loud." "What?" "It's just gravy." "Arnold, now you're just being antagonistic." "Arnold, the thing you need to know about gravy is that it's just so good." "It's like the heart of a guide dog." "Mae:" "Vegetarian, huh?" "I didn't do it because I'm a vegetarian." "I..." "It was a mistake." "I can't fix this for you." "I just" " I cannot fix this for you." "Just imagine josh" "Seeing all that gravy on the floor?" "His little homely face would've just dropped." "Ella:" "It's too upsetting to bear thinking about." "I wish you'd never told me." "Rose:" "Yeah, now, I knew that josh would" "Not forget the gravy." "I knew that." "Josh, can I ask was it packet gravy" "Or did you make it from scratch?" "I made it from scratch, dad." "I'm not a douchebag." "Tom:" "I was enjoying this lunch," "But now, now I can't bear another bite." "And probably for the best with those cheeks, am I right?" "(chuckles)" "Tom:" "Oh..." "Not even a laugh for my cheeks, arnold." "Not even a pity laugh from your boyfriend." "I mean, that's how you know you fucked up." "(all gasp)" "Oh, my god." "There's your gravy." "(chuckles)" "(cuckoo clock rings)" "Arnold." "I know that was a weird choice." "I'm just a bit on edge." "Mohammed's going to pick me up in a big black car" "And take me to a very fancy and entirely emotionally cold family christmas." "Okay, if that's what you like." "If that's what you want." "Yeah." "(grunts)" "Get me higher." "Get me higher." "Higher, you dog!" "I'm trying!" "Higher, you dog!" "(grunts)" "I'm tr-- josh..." "Josh?" "Yes?" "I don't want to move in with you." "Let me down." "I just..." "When-- when I dropped the gravy, I thought that might be it." "I thought, "oh, you're gonna break up with me."" "I thought, "I'll bet ben never drops gravy."" "All lunch I kept thinking that I was being" "Less interesting than ben, and I can't spend my life" "Worried that you're going to find" "Some vulnerable guy with arthritis," "Or chronic psoriasis, or whatever." "I just..." "I'm tired." "What's a nice thing I can do for you" "To prove that there's nothing going on between me and ben?" "Not a nice thing." "Even maybe a mean thing." "Do you wanna go and punch him in the balls?" "Do you want to go?" "Me and you," "We'll go in that car, we'll go to the hospital," "We'll punch ben in the balls." "Don't think I won't do it." "I don't know." "All right." "Merry christmas." "Yeah." "Merry christmas." "*doo-wop,doo-wop* * doo-wop, doo-wop * * doo-wop, doo-wop * * doo-wop, doo-wop * * doo-wop, doo-wop * * doo-wop, doo-wop * * ah *" "He just wanted to go see his family." "He's still not upset about ben?" "I don't want to talk about it." "Alan:" "Just remember, josh," "It'd be weird for arnold knowing that you had ben" "In the back of your mind." "He doesn't have ben" "In the back of his mind." "They're just friends." "Rose:" "No no, not." " Claire" "Claire said they were lovers." "Why would she say that?" "I'm just not helping today, am I?" "There are a lot of desserts, josh!" "Yeah." "Why so much dessert?" "We're never going to eat it all." "Did you know there are people out there" "Who didn't have christmas lunch today" "And here we are with all this food" "I just thought it'd be nice to have a variety of desserts!" "(clanking)" "Pretty worked up about the dessert, josh." "Josh:" "Sorry." "No, tom!" "You can't feed him chocolate." "That's a myth." "Yeah, remember when he vomited?" "Claire:" "This punch is so warm." "Yeah, it's really not drinkable without ice." "But I don't like drinking red wine during the day." "Okay?" "I didn't know tom was going to forget the ice." "I'm sorry, but that's the situation we're in, okay?" "So, either leave and get ice, or shut up." "Rose:" "Oh, you always get so worked up around christmas." "No, actually it's not christmas's fault." "Let's not blame jesus." "It was having to hang out alone" "Every year with you and dad and peg just pecking at me." "Just peck, peck, peck, peck, peck." "We're just trying to have a good time." "Josh:" "I know." "I know I'm being unfair and I'm sorry, okay?" "But fuck, when I say to you "I don't want to talk about it,"" "Why can't you stop talking about it?" "Son, this is about arnold and ben." "Josh:" "Actually I thought I was pretty clear." "Okay?" "This is about you." "I'm frustrated with you, okay?" "Claire keeps telling me how disappointed she is" "With her life instead of going out" "And creating herself a better life." "Tom keeps making the most horrible choices," "And then everyone pretends it's not his fault." "It is your fault, tom." "Ella, it is tom's fault." "Everything." "Hannah, well, no one's allowed to make fun of hannah." "And mae, well, mae's fine." "Although I don't really understand why" "You bought me a book of easy midweek recipes." "You know I know how to cook." "It was cheap." "Fair enough." "Dad is incapable of communicating" "With me about feelings, so instead, he just talks" "About chores that need to be done all the time." "That you've made the choice to go off your medication again." "You're going to be depressed in two days, again," "And then you're going to expect me to be there to help, again." "Okay?" "This is not about arnold, this is not about ben," "This is not about jesus, all right?" "This is about you and..." "And to be honest," "I've run out of things to say," "Because I appreciate that I'm as bad as you," "You're going to say something that's probably quite embarrassing." "So, what I'm going to do is I'm going to take this trifle" "And I'm going to go." "To arnold?" "No." "I'm gonna go and sit alone in a park" "With my dog and a trifle." "Take some shortbread!" "You should have seen the tantrum he threw" "When we gave him the wrong "donkey kong"." "Yeah, I heard that." "What happened was you gave me the same game" "That you already gave me the previous christmas." "I'm an only child." "(door slams shut)" "(vocalizing)"