"Hey, guys." "Sorry I'm late." "One of my prisoners had an emergency and I had to go see him." "Why do you have bedhead?" "Oh, because afterwards, we took a nap." "I call BS." "You're late because you're just getting home from last night." "No, actually, I'm getting home from the night before last night." "She said that she lived at the beach." "I didn't realize the beach was in Cabo." "You're ridiculously late." "I'm going home." "No, no, no." "Don't, don't, don't." "Check this out." "I came up with a new time-saving therapy technique on the plane." "Tell me in three words what's bothering you." " Three words?" "  Yeah." "Don't think." "Just talk." "Ed?" "Red, yellow, brown." "And those would be people." "We get it, Ed, you're a racist." "No, those are not people." "Red and yellow are the color of McDonald's." " Brown is the color of hamburger." " Oh, I'm sorry." "Served by a Mexican who doesn't understand enough English to know what "no pickles" means." "All right, let's put a pin in that." "Ahem." "Lacey?" " Three words, huh?" " Very good." "Nolan?" "I'm just kidding." "Go on, Lacey." "Nolan needs deodorant." "Technically, that would be Nolan's problem." "Fine." "Smells like ass." "Much better." "All right, Nolan, three words." "What's bothering you?" "Well, I went." "Okay, that's the beginning of a story." "I need you to pick three key words." "To work and." "Now you're just telling a story three words at a time." "Pick three key words." "Walked in and" "I..." "Oh, that was four." " I don't know how to do this." " Okay, okay, fine." "Just talk about your problem." "Don't worry about the three-word thing." "I'm having a problem with some bullies at work." "You couldn't have just said, "Bullies at work"?" "Go on." "The limo company has a new policy where you have to go to the office to get your assignment." "But I can't get any of the good jobs because all the other drivers are always pushing me around and stepping in front of me." "So did you talk to your boss about what's going on?" "It's too embarrassing." "It's one thing to be strong and assertive like I am in group." "( Chuckles )" "What are you looking at, stinky?" "I'm sorry." "( Sighs ) That's what we need to work on." "Nolan, why don't you come with me tomorrow to my prison group?" "Those guys could teach you a little something about dealing with intimidation." "You should go, Nolan." "I've been in jail." "Their lives depend on acting tough." "And, occasionally, their willingness to accept unsavory sexual advances." "But you're not at that stage yet." "I don't know about this, Charlie." " It sounds scary." " Oh, don't worry." "We'll have two guards watching us the whole time." " It's perfectly safe." " Okay." "Oh, wait." "One guard." "The other one got stabbed four times." "Just in the neck." "Who does something like that?" "Anyway, it's perfectly safe." "Anger Management 2x77 Charlie and The Curse of the Flying Fist" "I am so sorry." "I thought that would be sexier." "It looks so hot when people eat food off each other in the movies." "Well, that's because they never show the scene where they clean up." "See, that's the part that actually takes nine 1/2 weeks." "I just want to try something exciting." "I've been so traditional for so long, I'm like a kid in a candy store." "Speaking of candy stores," "I think we have successfully proven that MM's do not melt in your hands, but they do melt absolutely everywhere else." "Okay, so what other fun things can we do?" "We could tie each other up." "We could get some toys." "We could role-play." "Ooh, role-playing sounds good." "I've never done that before." "Except for the first time I had sex when I pretended I was 18." " How old were you?" " 24." "So who do you want to pretend to be?" "I'll be the high school kid who cuts class and you can be the sexy substitute teacher with different ideas on detention." "I thought this was supposed to be a fantasy," " not a reenactment from your life." " That is a fantasy." "That didn't happen when I was in high school." "I was in eighth grade." " Let's play doctor." " Okay." "Yeah?" "All right." "I'm the doctor, you're the patient." "Okay, great." "And I will come in with a hard-to-diagnose disease, it'll present like Legionnaires', but you'll insist that I might have been bit by an African fruit bat." "I was just gonna touch around on your boobs a little bit and ask you if you felt better, but whatever you want." "Okay, here's what's going on." "Nolan is being bullied at work." "And I was hoping that you guys could maybe give him some tips on how to deal with intimidation." "Cool!" "Stabbing lessons." "I was thinking more along the lines of posture and eye contact." "My knife makes contact with their eyes." "Just as an exercise, let's take all stabbing off the table." "You know, I know what you mean, Charlie." "Nolan, stand up." "Now, I want you to come at us with your most intimidating walk." "Man, you'd never last in here." "And I don't mean as a prisoner, I mean today." "I don't know if you're gonna make it back to your car." "I'll tell you what I do when people try to push me around." "I find the biggest, toughest son of a bitch that I can and then I make sweet love to him." "And he protects me." "Thank you, Cleo." "Ahem." "Nolan." " Yes?" " Don't do that." "Look, if you're not a good fighter, you just gotta move in a way that says," ""Don't mess with me or I'll cut you." ( Grunts )" "A lot of it is in the eyes." "I can't take this anymore." "Just kill me already." "Okay, Nolan, okay." "Now it's your turn." "All right." "Oh, my God, look at him." "He look like Bambi." "Charlie, can I keep him?" "Okay, clearly this whole intimidation thing is not gonna work." "I know." "What am I gonna do?" "I'd have to kill somebody at work to get some respect." "Well, that's a great idea." "It's really gonna affect my tips if I start killing people." "No, no, no." "Metaphorically." "I'll come in there and act as a disgruntled customer, pick a fight with your boss, and then when I smash something, like, say, his coffee mug, that'll be your signal to come down on me in front of everybody." "By killing you?" "Okay, before we go any further, let's make sure we're all really clear about what the word "metaphorically" means." "All right guys, I got a call in Beverly Hills that needs to go to the airport." " Who's up?" " I am." "How you gonna do it?" "You lost your keys." "( Chuckles ) Fine." "Mike, it's yours." "Well, joke's on you, Mike." "'Cause when you pull out that limo to go make money that should've been mine," "I'm gonna walk right over and pick up my keys." "So ha." " You the guy in charge around here?" " Yeah." "I booked a car yesterday at 3:00 and nobody showed up." "I missed a business meeting that cost me millions of dollars." "I'm very sorry, sir." "Give me your name." "I'll check the records." "What, are you calling me a liar?" "Whoa, dude." "Calm down." "What, are you calling me a not-calm dude?" "I missed the birth of my daughter." "During the business meeting that cost me millions of dollars." "You need to settle down, pal." "I'm gonna call the cops." "Settle down?" "Settle down?" " How 'bout I do this?" " What the hell?" "Everybody see that?" "I just smashed his coffee cup." " Anybody got a problem with that?" " Yeah." "I do." "Well, I know you got a problem with that." "Anybody else got a problem with that?" "I just smashed his coffee cup." "It's not like you smashed a mug or anything." " A cup and a mug are the same thing." " Oh, crap." "I didn't realize that." "Yeah, I got a problem." "Stop yelling at my boss!" " Who the hell are you?" " My name is Nolan!" "And I'm tired of watching people get treated like crap around here!" "If you don't get out of here right now, I'm gonna rip your leg off and use it to kick your own ass down the street!" "Well, that's a very odd but serious threat." "It's not a threat, it's a promise, you son of a bitch!" "I'm gonna count to three and then you are gonna give yourself the ass kicking of a lifetime!" " One!" " I'm going, I'm going!" "No, wait!" "Apologize first." " Look, I am really..." " Two!" "Dude, let me finish my apology." "Look, I am really sorry that I came in here and caused a scene." "How do you work with this guy?" " Aren't you afraid of him?" " Three!" "Here are your keys, Nolan." "You take that job in Beverly Hills." "Wow." "Thank you." "I mean, damn right I will!" "Now, has anybody seen my wallet?" " It's in your pocket." " Then good day." "( Exhales )" "I really appreciate the house call." "I mean, wow, talk about Doctors Without Borders." "I think you're gonna be okay, but just to be safe, we should schedule a follow-up in, say," "I don't know, 20 minutes?" "Right after I check my fantasy football league." "Perfect." "That'll give me time to hop on WebMD and find something else that can be cured by sex." "I know we're just pretending, but my hiccups did go away." "Well, I think that's just because I scared you when I told you this was a live Web show." "Not funny then, not funny now." "You should have heard your heart pounding through the stethoscope." "It was pretty funny." "Well, next time, it's my pick and I get to pick anything I want." "And I think I've got something that's really gonna surprise you." "Is it a geisha fantasy with you and a couple hot Asian chicks?" "'Cause even though I just said it, I would never see that coming." " Here you go." " Hey, Brett, guess what." "We're celebrating tonight." "Nolan finally stood up for himself against the bullies at work." "I was bullied when I was a kid and it was awful." "Oh, no, wait." "I was the bully." "It was fun." "Jorge, your shift's over." "Leave." "Only cool people work at night." "( Laughs )" "Hey, guess what." "It's still fun." "Cheers, Nolan." "I am proud of you." "Are you kidding?" "Everything at work is different now because of you." "This night is on me." "Well, that's very nice of you, but I'll buy the beer and you buy yourself things you need like health insurance and underwear and food." "Health insurance and underwear?" "Whoo, I don't wanna lose touch with the common people." "Well, don't underestimate yourself." "There's no telling how far you can go now." "I mean, you might wind up as a CEO of a big corporation." "Yeah, or even assistant dispatcher." "Okay, Nolan, I'm gonna take this napkin and draw for you the rungs of a corporate ladder." "Did you see that?" "That guy just took our pretzels." "Then use your new assertive tools and tell him you want your pretzels back." "Excuse me, I think those are our pretzels." "It's a bar." "They're everybody's pretzels." "Yeah, but they were sitting in front of us and I was eating them." "Yeah, well, now I'm eating them." "Get outta my face." "He's not cooperating." "It's really starting to piss me off." "Okay, okay, then tell him in a firm but respectful tone..." "Give me the bowl or I will beat you until you don't understand what pretzels are!" "Sure thing, dude." "Take the damn pretzels." "How'd I do?" "Well, you got the firm part down, but I think you replaced respectful with insane-crystal-meth guy." "So I did good." "Those are mine." " Hello?" "Jordan?" " I'm in the kitchen." "I'll be right out." "All right." "Ahem." "Really looking forward to seeing what your fantasy is." "If we have time for a second one," "I kind of have a "Lone Ranger" thing I wanna do." "There's no time to talk." "I want you so bad." "Let's do this." "Sexy yoga instructor that loves to bake." "So you're flexible and you always smell like cookies." "I'm down." "Stop joking around." "I just got the baby down, put a meat loaf in the oven, and we've got about 20 minutes to get busy before I have to pick up Joey from soccer practice." "Mm." "Wait a minute." "I'm sorry, what are we doing?" "What do you mean?" "We've got a house in the suburbs and three kids." "And you're my handsome, hardworking man and you've just bought me a minivan and I love you." "( Groans )" "So I'm your husband?" "God." "You have been spending so much time working at a midsize but growing pharmaceutical company that you've forgotten that I'm your wife." " Ah..." " Shh." " What?" " I'm sorry." "I thought I heard Eugene." " Who is Eugene?" " Our baby." "I think he's waking up and wants to breast-feed." "Take me now." "Uh, okay, okay." "Okay, next fantasy." "( Vocalizing "The Lone Ranger" theme )" " What are you doing?" " Just trying not to freak out." "No need to freak out." "I'll pump." "( Vocalizing continues )" "Hey, guys." "Sorry I'm late." "So where did we leave off last time?" "Ed was just on the verge of accepting that Chinese and Japanese are different." "Not really." "But I'll say whatever it takes to get us out of here early." "I know what I wanna talk about." "Charlie, you're late." "Yeah, I know." "That's why I started by saying I was sorry for being late." "Well, you could've at least apologized." "You're right." "What was I thinking?" "How about I make it up to you by just staying a little longer today?" "Oh, so you just assume I have nothing else to do with my time?" "If you ever do this again," "I am gonna rip your ears off and boil your eyes and eat the cartilage out of your face." "Okay." "That's pretty much what I wanted to talk about today." "Let's explore the difference between being assertive and being a dick." "Yeah, Nolan." "What's your problem?" "You're being, like, super agro." "Have you been working out?" "Lacey, one pathology at a time." "Nolan, you're overreacting." "Nobody here is taking advantage of you." "You're being way too aggressive." "No, Charlie, let him go." "I believe his balls are finally about to drop." "The only thing that's gonna drop around here, old man, is you if you keep interrupting." "Is that a challenge?" "I'll hit you so hard, it knocks the new peach fuzz off of your danglers." "All right, all right, all right." "Nobody's knocking anything off anybody's danglers." "And shame on you people for making me say that." "Now everybody just sit down." "No, please let them fight." "Please, please, let them fight." "Oh, you're just trying to push me into a fight with an old man so I look like a fool." "Yes." "Yes, I am." "Well, maybe I should kick your ass!" "Nolan, Nolan." "Get back in your chair." "I am not gonna allow you to physicalize your aggression." "Physicalize this." "All right." "That just happened." "Nolan, don't go." "We need to talk about this." "Okay, this might be last night's Molly talking, but is everybody as turned on by that guy as I am?" "There you are." "Hey, I just needed a minute to think." "I was gonna call you." "I don't understand." "Why did my fantasy freak you out?" "Three reasons..." "Eugene, Joey, and I don't even know what the other kid's name was." "( Sighs ) Look, Jordan, I like you a lot." "I do, but, you know, I don't know if I want the marriage and kids stuff." "And you obviously do." "What?" "It was a sexual fantasy, Sean, not a life fantasy." "You wanted to be The Lone Ranger, does that mean that you wanna ride around shooting bad guys with your Indian best friend?" "Yeah, I kinda do a little." "And you know what?" "That is very different from you pretending to be a mom when..." " Oh, don't say it." " ..." "We both know that..." "Watch it." "Your biological clock is ticking." "You jackass." "When you are a single career woman, that world seems exotic." "The whole point of role-playing is pretending to be someone you're not." "Like if I were role-playing right now," "I would pretend to be attracted to you." "All right." "I'm sorry." "I get it." "I messed up." "Yeah, that's too bad because my housewife character was really into that thing you've been wanting me to do." "Like, really into it." "Well, we should go do it." "It's too late." "She's a single mom now and she's been getting it regularly from the pool boy." "Can I be the pool boy?" "We'll see." "I can't imagine where Nolan is." "I mean, Lacey, you've been walking around the neighborhood." " And, Patrick, you went to his apartment, right?" " He wasn't there." "Where did you look, Ed?" "Oh, I sat out on the porch in case he came back, but I don't think he did." "You don't think he did?" "Well, I fell asleep, okay?" "What do you want from me?" "The ability to stay awake for 30 minutes." "If I can't do it behind the wheel, I can't do it here." "Maybe he went to the gym to stay all pumped up like he was when he was here." "God, I miss him so much." "I know how we can catch him." "We leave a lit joint at the end of the driveway, we watch from the windows so as not to spook him." "Wait, we haven't checked the roof yet." " Why would he be on the roof?" " Whenever he gets upset, he goes up to the roof of our building to think." "I know how to get him down." "I can strip down to my underwear and stand in the front yard." "I'm prepared to do that." "Yeah, sorry, Lacey, but according to the homeowners association, no more half-naked women in the front yard." "It was aimed at the crazy old lady on the corner, but now I'm paying the price." "Hey, Nolan." "Whatcha doing?" "Just talking to that pigeon." "I recognize him from the roof of my building." "You mean the gray one with the beak and all the feathers?" "Looks like every other pigeon I've ever seen?" "Yeah, that's Joe." "He wants an apology because I yelled at him this morning." "I told him he's doing nothing with his life." "Well, he's a pigeon." "A lot of big companies won't even let them interview." "So let's talk about you punching me." "Yeah." "I feel really bad about that." "You don't have to feel bad." "You just lost control." "That's not what I feel bad about." "I feel bad because I really, really liked it." "Well, of course you liked it." "For the first time in your life, you got to express your anger." "Now we just have to work on time and place and the appropriate amount." "Okay, but now that I know how good it feels," "I don't think I can control it." "Well, I think you're gonna learn real quick." " Punch me again." " What?" "Yeah." "Give me a good punch right in the arm." " It'll help you." " Okay." "Ow!" " Why did you do that?" " Because you can't just go around punching people." "There's consequences to acting out your anger." " Now hit me again." " I don't want to." "See?" "You've learned how to control your anger." "Congratulations." "Wow." "That's what anger management is." "We're learning how to manage our anger." "That's what that group thing is all about." "Yes, Nolan." "That's what that group thing is all about."