"No, see, the liquid-metal terminators were created in the future by Skynet  and Skynet was developed by Miles Dyson  but that future no longer exists due to Dyson's death in Terminator 2." "Okay, then riddle me this." "Assuming all the good terminators  were originally evil terminators created by Skynet  then reprogrammed by the future John Connor, why would Skynet  an artificial computer intelligence  bother to create a petite, hot, 17-year-old killer robot?" "Skynet is kinky?" "I don't know." "Artificial intelligences do not have teen fetishes." " All right, wait." "They use it to lure" " Eh!" "Too late, I win." "What the hell is that?" "I don't know." "But if cats could sing  they'd hate it too." "Hey, guys." " Hi, where are you going?" " What?" "We just had to mail some letters." "And throw away some chicken." "You'll never guess what just happened." " I give up." " I don't guess." "As a scientist, I reach conclusions based on observation and experimentation." "Although it occurs to me, you may have been employing a rhetorical device  rendering my response moot." " What was that?" " Believe it or not, personal growth." "What happened?" "Remember when I auditioned for Rent but I didn't get it and I couldn't figure out why?" "I have a conclusion based on an observation." "No, you don't." "No, he doesn't." "The girl picked to play Mimi, she dropped out and they asked me to replace her." " Oh!" "Congratulations, what a lucky break." " It's not a big a deal." "Just one night, but they invite casting people and agents." "So you never know." " I think I know." " No, you don't." " He doesn't." " It's this Friday at 8, you guys wanna come?" " No." " No." "Because Friday, we are attending a symposium  on molecular positronium." " I think that's a week from Tuesday at 6." " No, it's this Friday." " At 8." " Oh, too bad." " I gotta get to rehearsal." "See you guys." " See you." " You just lied to Penny." " Yes, I did." "And you did it so casually." "No rapid breathing, no increase in perspiration." " So?" " So lack of a physiological response  while lying is characteristic of a violent sociopath." "Sheldon, are you worried about your safety?" "No." "I imagine if you were going to kill me, you'd have done it a long time ago." "That's very true." "Leonard?" "Leonard?" " Leonard?" "What?" "I need to speak to you." " It's 2:00 in the morning." " It's important." "I highly doubt that." "Go away." "Are you still out there?" "Yes." "What?" "You're right, it can wait until morning." "What, what, what?" " Never mind." "I clearly woke you up in the middle of a REM cycle." " You're in no state of mind to talk." " Sheldon, what is it?" "I'm uncomfortable having been included in your lie to Penny." " What was I supposed to say?" " You could have told her the truth." "That would have hurt her feelings." "Is that a relevant factor?" "Yes." "Then I suppose you could have agreed to go." "And what would I have said afterwards?" "I would suggest something to the effect of:" ""Singing is neither an appropriate vocation nor avocation for you  and if you disagree, I recommend a CAT scan to look for a tumor  pressing on the cognitive processing centers of your brain. "" "I couldn't say that." "I would have to say, "You were terrific and I can't wait to hear you sing again. "" "Why?" "It's the social protocol." "It's what you do  when you have a friend who's proud of something they really suck at." "I was not aware of that." " Well, now you are." " Oh, all right." " Leonard?" " Yes?" "When we played chess earlier, you were terrific, and I can't wait to play you again." "Good night." "Leonard?" "Leonard?" "Leonard?" "Leonard?" "This would be so much easier if I were a violent sociopath." "Leonard?" "Leonard?" " What?" " I was analyzing our lie  and I believe we're in danger of Penny seeing through the ruse." " How?" " Simple." "... click on upcoming events, scroll to seminars, download the PDF schedule  and look for the seminar on molecular positronium, then  bippity boppity boo, our pants are metaphorically on fire." "Well, sir, my trousers will not be igniting today." "Penny?" "Penny?" "Penny?" "Good morning." " Do you have any idea what time it is?" " Of course I do." "My watch is linked to the atomic clock in Boulder, Colorado." "It's accurate to one-tenth of a second." "As I'm saying this it occurs to me once again  your question may have been rhetorical." "What do you want?" "Remember how Leonard told you we couldn't come  because we were attending a symposium on molecular positronium?" "I remember symposium." "Yes, well, he lied." "Wait, what?" "He lied, and I'm feeling very uncomfortable about it." "Well, imagine how I'm feeling." "Hungry?" "Tired?" "I'm sorry, this really isn't my strong suit." "You told her I lied?" "Why would you tell her I lied?" "To help you." "I'm sorry, I'm not seeing the help." "She was going to see through your lie eventually  so I told her that you were lying to protect me." "Oh, I'm getting a bad feeling." "Hunger?" "Indigestion?" "I'm sorry, I'm really not very good at this." "Anyway, Penny now believes that on Friday night  we're going to participate in my cousin Leopold's drug intervention." "Your cousin Leopold." "Whom most people call Leo, but he also answers to Lee." "Remember that, it's important." " What's important?" " Details, Leonard." "The success or failure of our deceitful enterprise turns on details." " Do you have a cousin Leopold?" " No, I made him up." "I think you'd call him Lee." "I don't get it." "I already told her a lie, why replace it with a different lie?" "Well, first of all, your lie was laughably transparent  where mine is exquisitely convoluted." "While you were sleeping, I was weaving an un-unravelable web." " Un-unravelable?" " Yes." "If she Googles Leopold Houston, she'll find a Facebook page  an online blog depicting his descent into drug use  and a desperate yet hopeful listing on eHarmony. com." "Okay, why would I go to a drug intervention for your cousin?" "Ah!" "Because it's in Long Beach and I don't drive." "We're going to Long Beach?" "Of course not, there's no cousin Leo, there's no intervention." " Focus, Leonard." " Oh, come on." "We just leave the house on Friday night and return in the wee hours  emotionally wrung out from the work of convincing Leo to go back into rehab." "So he goes back into rehab?" "Yes, but he can relapse if Penny ever invites us to hear her sing again." "You still told her I lied." "Yeah, for a noble purpose." "To spare me the social embarrassment of having a drug-addled first cousin." " Which I'm assuming is embarrassing, yes?" " I don't know." " How am I supposed to remember all this?" " That's the best part, you don't have to." "I told Penny that you would be embarrassed if you knew she found out you had lied  so she's agreed to operate as if the original lie is still in force." "So she's expecting me to lie about going to a symposium in Pasadena  when in actuality, we're pretending to go to a drug intervention in Long Beach." "Un-unravelable." "Oh, hey, Penny." "Wow, look at you, all ready for your showcase." " You look great." "Thanks." "I just wanted to come by and wish you guys luck with your symposium." "Oh." " Well, thank you." " You know, I gotta tell you." "A lot of friends would let their friend go alone, but that's not you." "You are the kind of guy who stands by a friend when..." "When he has a symposium to go to." "I don't know what to say." " It's okay, Leonard." " Oh, okay, all right, good." " Oh, boy, group hug." " Uh-uh." " Uh-uh?" " Okay." "So, what's up?" "Well, Penny is on her way to perform in a one-night showcase production of Rent  which we are unable to attend, because we're going to a symposium  on molecular positronium given by Dr. Emil Farmanfarmian." "Wait a minute, Farmanfarmian is speaking and you're bogarting the symposium?" " Howard, I'm sorry, we would've" " No, no, you're quark-blocking us." "I don't know what to say." "Wow." " Howard" " It's your Millennium Falcon  you and Chewbacca do whatever you wanna do." "Me and Princess Leia here will find some other way to spend the evening." "Howard, wait." "Sheldon, I think we should tell them." "Okay, sure." "I don't see a problem with that." "There's no symposium." "Leonard lied to me." "Isn't that right, Leonard?" "Well..." " I don't know what to say." " It's okay, I do." "Look, Leonard is helping Sheldon through a family crisis." "He made up the whole story about the symposium with Dr. Farmanfarmian" " Good for you." " Ha!" "Yeah." "He didn't want Sheldon to be embarrassed." "There's nothing to be embarrassed about." "Every family in America has a relative  holed up in a garage somewhere huffing paint thinner." "No, I'm lost too." "I think she skipped a step." "Now, look, Sheldon's cousin Leo escaped rehab and he's in a Motel 8 in Long Beach." "The whole family's going out for an intervention." "Leonard is driving Sheldon down to help him through this..." " ... because he's such a good man." " Oh, another hug?" "Thank you." " All right, you guys." "Good luck." " Thanks, Penny." " Break a leg." " Yeah, break a leg." "So road trip to Long Beach." " We're not going to Long Beach." " Why not?" "Because Sheldon doesn't have a drug-addicted cousin Leopold." "Oh, too bad." "I've always wanted to go to Long Beach." "It's a very nice community." "The Queen Mary is docked there." "Once the largest liner in the world, it's now a hotel and restaurant  where they host a surprisingly gripping murder-mystery dinner." " Sounds fun." " I'm game." " Shotgun." " No, no, no." "Leonard gets nauseous unless he sits in front, and even then it's iffy." "Wait, are we really going to Long Beach?" "Leonard?" "Leonard?" "Leonard?" "Let it go, Sheldon." "The murderer was the first mate whether it makes sense to you or not." "No, that's the least of our worries." "I've been doing research on addiction  both the biochemical and behavioral aspects  and I think there's a problem with the current version of our lie." "What are you talking about?" "It's fine, she bought it, it's over." "Sadly, it's not." "Substance abuse is a lifelong struggle." "But beyond that, I have realized the Leo I described..." " ... would not have agreed to go to rehab." " Why not?" "Because Leo's a middle child." "There's no Leo." "How can you say that?" "You didn't read the bio, did you?" "He's not just a middle child, he is the quintessential middle child." "From a broken home, to boot." "Psychologically speaking  the attention he gets by rebelling, even to the point of destruction  is more emotionally valuable than help he would get at rehab." " I've got a solution." " Great." "What is it?" "Get out." "Fine." "I've hesitated to point this out  but I must remind you we are in our predicament  because of your initial and inadequate deceit." "I'm just trying to clean up after your mess." "We'll talk in the morning." "Morning." "Who are you?" "I am Sheldon's cousin Leo." "Oh, God." "Sheldon does not have a cousin Leo." "Au contraire." "I'm 26 years old  I'm originally from "Denton, Texas, " but I was a Navy brat." "I was brought up on a variety of military bases around the world." "As a result, I've often felt like an outsider, never really fitting in  probably the reason for my substance-abuse problem." "Excuse me, we just went over this." "As the middle child, your addiction is rooted in your unmet need for attention." "Oh, Sheldon, are we really gonna go with pop psychology?" "For your information, this is all based on solid research." "Just stick with the character profile I wrote for you." " Sheldon?" " I'm sorry." "Leonard, this is Toby Loobenfeld." "He's a research assistant in the particle-physics lab  but he also minored in theater at MIT." "It was more of a double major, actually." "Theater and Physics." "You can guess which one my bourgeois parents pushed me towards." "Yeah, I got it." "Sheldon, why?" "You see, while Leo would not have gone into rehab  it is completely plausible that we would have talked him into leaving the motel..." " ... and coming home with us." " Oh..." "Sheldon, how about this as my motivation?" "When I was 14 years old  I was abused in the Philippines by a clubfooted Navy chaplain." "No, we're going with middle child and a genetic predisposition  to inadequate serotonin production." "Swell, well, how do I play genetic predisposition?" "Subtextually, of course." "Just have fun with it." " Morning, Penny." " Hi." "How did the intervention go?" "Unfortunately, we weren't able to convince him to go to rehab." "Well, based on what you told me, I'm not surprised." "But we did convince him to leave the motel." "Come say hello." "Leo, this is Penny, our friend and neighbor." "Hi, Leo, how are you feeling?" "Let me ask you something, Penny." "Have you ever woken up in a fleabag motel covered in your own vomit  next to a transsexual prostitute?" " No." " Then don't ask me how I'm feeling." "Well, that's Leo." "Hey, why don't you tell me about your showcase last night?" "Oh, it was okay, I guess." "Wasn't a big turnout, but they both seemed to like it." " There were only two people there?" " By the end, yeah." "Damn you, Chaplain Horrigan." "I'm sorry?" "The Philippines." "1992." "The Subic Bay Naval Station." "A young boy on the cusp of manhood." "His only companions, mongrel dogs and malarial mosquitoes." "Desperate and alone, he reached out to a man  who promised to introduce him to a merciful, loving God  but who instead introduced him to a gin-pickled tongue  shoved down his adolescent throat." "What choice did he have  but to drink, shoot and snort his pain away?" "Don't forget genetic predisposition towards addiction." "Never been proven." " There have been studies." " Not double-blind studies." "How could there be?" "Who would be the control group?" "As you can see, detoxing can get pretty ugly." " Let's give them some privacy." " Yeah." "Do you wanna come over, have coffee?" " Sounds good." " I have a video of me singing last night." "Do you wanna see it?" " Gee, why wouldn't I?" " This is even better  than you coming to the showcase, now I get to watch you watch me." "Yeah." "Funny how things work out." "But he loved the companionship and the wisdom  that his own father failed to provide." "Your parents made the right decision." "I cannot work like this." "This is amazing, just sitting on a couch watching TV with a woman." "Not being drunk or high or wondering if you're a dude down there." "Leo, you are a very sweet, really funny guy." "You're gonna do okay." "One day at a time, Penny." "One day at a time." "How long is he going to stay here?" "He's a homeless drug addict, Leonard, where is he going to go?" "Boy, you have a lot to learn about lying."