"So great." "Look at that." ""She's hot, she's new, and she's bound for the big time."" " It's amazing." " No, it's not amazing." "My face looks fat." "Honey, your face couldn't look fat if you ate 47 pints of Haagen-Dazs." "You look like Elizabeth Taylor." "When her face was fat." "Oh, my God." "Ma?" " Hello." " Really?" "You haven't called me in six months, and that's how you say hello." "Is this a court ordered call?" "I've been a little busy." "With what?" "Cancer." "I have cancer." "I thought you might like to know." "Shit." "Are you okay?" "I'm fine." "But I've decided to live what's left of my life being as happy as I can." "So I'm also getting married." "What?" "Who are you marrying?" "A man who loves me very much." "And we need a great wedding band, and I said my wonderfully talented son had a band and I insist they play on my final wedding day." "So in other words, you want us to play for free." "Do you have any idea how much cancer costs?" "Must be a shitload if you're asking my band to play." " You hate my music." " I like the slower numbers." "You know what?" "You liked it when I sounded like Billy Joel." "Billy Joel is in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame." "He should be in the drunk driving hall of fame, okay?" "Why couldn't you have stuck with the piano?" "Was that too much to ask?" "Yeah, you know why?" "Because every Sunday morning, you sat me down in a suit and tie and made me play Broadway musical numbers in front of your martini-sucking," "B-list Broadway friends." "Liza Minnelli is not Broadway B-list, John." "Liza Minnelli was never there, Ma." "Do you know how many people would kill to sing at my wedding?" "Oh, yeah?" "Really?" "Why don't you call your best friend Liza then?" "Liza's having her hip replaced." "With what, a wet bar?" "Okay, have your fun." "But six months from now, you may not have me to mock anymore." "Have you talked to Dad?" "Yes." "Your father's treating me." "Which band are you in now?" "I'm in the same band, except I have a new lead singer," " your granddaughter." " My what?" "Long story short, I have a daughter, and she showed up in New York." "I'm actually living with her, and she's the new lead singer of my band." "You have a grandchild." "Hello?" "I'm digesting the information." "You know, most people your age would be jumping for joy to find out that they had a grandchild." "What do you mean by my age?" "Old." "I mean old." "She's gorgeous, and she's talented, and she's on the cover of Time Out New York this week." "How about that?" "Hello?" "I'm Googling her, God damn it." "You were always so goddamn impatient." "This fucking phone." "There she is." "Oh, my God, she's stunning." "It says here she's gonna be a big star." "Will she sing Billy Joel?" "Oh, now you want to meet her because she might turn out to be somebody some day?" "The wedding is Saturday, darling." "I'll send the information over to Eva's email address." "Ava." "It's Ava..." "Unbelievable." " Was that my grandmother?" " Yeah." "She has cancer." "Oh, no, that's horrible." "You haven't met her yet." "* Sex and drugs and rock and roll *" "* All right *" "* All right *" "* 'Cause I don't want to die *" "* Anonymous *" "* No, no *" "* No, no *" "* No, no *" "* *" "Okay, Cruella, aka your mom, emailed the set list." "She wants us all in '70s retro gear, and she wants us to play nine Billy Joel songs, four Bee Gees tunes, and My Heart Will Go On by Celine Dion." "I can't play that set list." "I'll end up in a diabetic coma." "Dad, you need closure with your mom." "Okay?" "All this time, you've been trying to get her attention, and guess what, you finally have it." "She's right, buddy." "How extra special retro do we want to go with this?" "Because I might have a few Quaaludes hanging around." "Holy shit!" "You know who's catering this wedding?" " Bobby Q." " Who's that?" "He's the guy who puts on the Big Bear Barbecue every Sunday in Brooklyn." "You know, for the big, fat, hairy gay guys?" "You go to gay guy barbecues?" "They invite me." "Turns out in the gay bear community," "I am quite sexy and delicioso." "God, please tell me you don't exchange sexual favors for snacks." "I gave a guy a backrub once." "But let me tell you something, his bacon Mississippi biscuits and his sassy corn succotash, oh, my God." "I should've blown him." "I'm kidding." "Mm-hmm." "I want to know why my dad hates his mom" " more than I hate mine." " All right, well, strap yourself in, G, here it comes." "Yeah, it's not a pretty picture." "She was a rising star on Broadway when she was your age." " Wow, she's gorgeous." " Yeah, and she could sing too." "Somebody in Hollywood was making this huge movie musical, and they wanted an unknown to be the lead." "And Johnny's mom gets this part, only she's pregnant with your dad at the time." "And they were starting shooting in three weeks." "They wouldn't wait." "So they went with their second choice." " Who was their second choice?" " Julie Andrews." "Oh, my God." "The movie was Mary Poppins?" "Julie Andrews wins the Oscar;" "Johnny's mom doesn't." "And you've met your grandpa Ted." "Yes, I have." "The doctor, Captain Serious." "Yeah, well, your father's father was an up and coming tenor sax player back in the day." "Oh, look at him." "Wow." "Yeah, but he couldn't handle the ups and downs of the music business, so he quit, and he started med school." "Yeah, he wanted to get married, move to the 'burbs, and she was like, "No way."" "So she ends up off Broadway..." "Way off Broadway." "Then she gets this rich guy that she's sleeping with to back one of her new ideas for a starring vehicle." "It was 1978, and she thought that a musical comedy would help the country heal." "The 11:00 number was called Let Bygones be Saigons." "That's my lettuce." "This is Napa cabbage." "It doesn't work in sandwiches." "Ooh." "Oh." "You know what I feel like doing?" "What do you feel like doing?" "I feel like shaking." "Well, baby, let's shake." "* Shake, shake *" "* Shake, shake *" "* Baby, get down *" "* Baby, get down *" "* Oh *" "* Shake, shake *" "* Shake, shake *" "* Oh *" "* Shake it to the left *" "* Now shake it to the right *" "* Back it on up *" "* Make it feel all right *" "* Uh *" "* Shake, shake *" "* Yeah *" " Absolutely wonderful." " Great, just great." "Oh, my God, you are even more stunning in person." "Jeremy, my soon-to-be-famous granddaughter." "I've been reading all about you online, Gigi, and your voice is simply spectacular." "What an instrument." "How are you?" "I'm good." "I'm doing good." "Nice to meet you." " Hello, Eva." " Ava." "Hello, Elizabeth." "Hey, Ma." "How you doing?" "Hello, darling." "I'm doing as well as can be expected." "How do you like the outfits?" "Perfect." "And these period wigs are just fantastic." "I mean, yours in particular, so Rod Stewart." "No, no, this is... this is my actual hair." "Oh, and you had it styled for the occasion?" "You talk about commitment." "I'm Jeremy, your stepdad in waiting." "I know it's a bit of a shock, but you got to look at the bright side." "We can go through man-o-pause together." "Flash, we must get you to do an interview for our documentary." "What documentary?" "Oh, I'm directing a film about Elizabeth's life in the theater." "Now that Elaine Stritch is finally dead, there's an opening for a new great dame of Broadway, and I plan on beating Tyne Daly to that spot." "It's following us through our wedding and up to opening night of what we're currently calling" "The Biggest Broad on Broadway." "It's a one-woman show I'm writing for Elizabeth." "No one knew who the hell Elaine Stritch was before she did a one-woman show when she was 70." "Well, let me tell you, I smoke more than she did." "I drank her under the table multiple times, and now she's dead, and I'm not." "This show is gonna win me my Tony." " And me mine." " Muah." "Ma, I'll do an interview, no problem." "Uh, okay." "Let me just check the list here." " Nope, nope, you're not on it." " But he's family." "Well, it's not just about family, dear." "It's about famous family." "See, Flash connects us with Gaga's audience, and Gigi connects us with the young adult audience, and heck, you over there, you connect us to Neptune." "Anyway, it's all about festivals now." "Sundance, Toronto." "We need big names." "I just met her 20 seconds ago." "I don't really know what I would say." "Oh, our talking points are all right here on these cards." "All my charity work..." "AIDS, animals, the environment." "She's so selfless." "And don't forget to mention my battle with cancer." "She's so brave." "And we'd like to focus on the fact that I was the first choice for the role of Mary Poppins, the role of a lifetime." "Wait." "Is Mary Poppins the one with Dick Van Dyke?" "The very same, yes." "Yes, with the magic car, the one that flies all around." "I love that movie." "Sweetheart, in my movie, Mary Poppins flies around." "Well, no, in your movie, Julie Andrews flies around." "I love this girl." "Oh, you're too much." "Hey, Dad." "Hey, Grandpa T." "You just get here?" "Just in time for the kiss and two double bourbons." "You know how much I love show folk." "Well, not everyone here is in show business." "Yes, and that definitely includes your father." "Here we go." "Gigi, do yourself a favor." "Get out of this business while the getting is good." "Dad, she's not, like, some wide-eyed kid." "I mean, she's got real talent." "I know, so did you." "I'm just saying don't waste your life" " chasing after vanity and rejection." " Oh, boy." "Don't wake up at age 50 or 70 still broke and invisible." "Okay, and you don't miss playing music a little bit?" "A little bit?" "I realized I wasn't good enough to compete against my musical contemporaries, so I woke up one morning when I was about your age and decided to do something different with my life." "Became a doctor." "I was actually better than my contemporaries." "My contemporaries ripped me off." " Of course they did." " You know that story." "Failed show folk always have an excuse." "Someone stabbed me in the back." " Someone took my stage persona." " Dulli took my stage persona." "Somebody slept with a director." "I'll let you in on a little secret." "Julie Andrews was better than Johnny's mom." "That's why she got the job." "It wasn't about the baby." "It was about Julie Andrews' voice." "No excuses." "I'm not gonna say it." " But I will say..." " Greg Dulli, here we go." "Here we go." "Bring out the violins." " Dude." " What?" "Over my left shoulder." "My left shoulder." "Yeah?" "So what." "That chick back there is giving me sexy eyes." "Eww, she's old enough to be my mom." "What the hell are you doing?" "Are you taking a Quaalude?" "No." "I'm taking two Quaaludes." "Jackass." "What the hell's wrong with you?" "Dude, chill out." "They're not gonna work." "They're practically as old as she is." "If they do work, you're gonna want to fuck everything that walks, including her, and I'm pretty sure she can't walk." "Thank God for that." "Otherwise, things might get weird." "I'm starving." "I'm going to get some real food." "That is food." "That's grapes and nuts." "That's like bird food." "I want some meat." "Go over here to one of these barrels." "Excuse me, gents." "Don't forget to come in right at the top" " of the second verse, okay?" " I'm not gonna forget." "Relax, Dad." "She's gonna love it." " You think so?" " Yes." "Hey." "What's up?" "I just, uh..." "Your stepdad, he, um..." " What?" " What?" "I finished my documentary interview." "I stood up." "He thanked me." "He hugged me." "He grabbed my ass, and then he gave me his number." "What?" "Jesus Christ." "Come on." "He grabbed your ass?" " Hey, did you make a pass at Flash?" " Yes, I did." "He's a very handsome and strapping man." "And you know what?" "He smells delicious." "Musky like a..." "like a big tree, like a huge golden oak." "You remind me so much of your mother." "You know, if she kicks the bucket soon," "I may just make a pass at you." "Eww." "You're my stepfather." "No, I'm your gay stepfather." "Does my grandmother know?" "Well, she knows I have 14 different cast recordings of The Pajama Game." "She knows that I have Jerry Herman on my speed dial, and she knows that the thing that I find the most attractive about her face is her mustache." "Yeah, I think she has a couple of clues." "And she's okay with that?" "Oh, yeah, she's over the moon about it." "I write her a hit show," "I make her life story into a successful movie, and her career finally takes off." "Plus she has a male companion for each and every event that she attends, some eye candy." "Now, listen, you two." "She and I love each other very much." "We even have sex sometimes." " You do?" " Yeah." "I just pretend she's Morley Safer." "Oh, my God." "60 Minutes is my news jam." "Listen, little lady." "Every week, someone new like you waltzes into town all sky blue eyeballs and big sexy tits." "Hey, hey." "You ride in on your high and mighty moral horse because you're young, and you're beautiful, and you're special." "But believe me, once you've been beaten down by this business for two decades and you ain't so special and you're just another anonymous nobody, you'll do anything it takes to get what you want." "Just like me." "You know what?" "You're an asshole." "A talented asshole." "You know, I hear it runs in the family." "Come on, honey." "You hungry, big boy?" "I got a warm mac and cheese tartlet." "Bobby Q, it's you." "I'm a huge fan." "Oh, my God, your mango salsa ribs..." "Sumptuous." "Oh, well, thank you." "You've been to my Bearbecue before in Brooklyn?" "Yeah, absolutely." "I love it over there." "I mean, I'm not..." "I'm not gay." "Yeah, I'm just..." "I'm more of a food buff." "That's why I used the word "sumptuous."" "Uh-huh." "Not that the word "sumptuous" is gay, 'cause it's not." "It's... it's more like, you know, a food word." "Yes, it is." "I, uh..." "I have some very sumptuous ribs that I was saving for myself for later on." " You have ribs here?" " Yeah." "Yeah, they're on the bone." "It's a new recipe I'm trying." "Tangy red pepper ribs with a garlic-mustard rub." "Oh, my God." "I love rubs." "That sounds insane." "It is." " Check back in 30 minutes." " Okay, here or..." "Why don't you check in the kitchen." "Secret ribs?" "Secret ribs." "Okay." "All right, see ya." "Elizabeth." "You never listen to me, but maybe you will listen to your granddaughter." "She has something she wants to say." "Oh, do please sit down." "My God, girl." "If I had your eyes," "I would've been a major movie star." "Um..." "You know, Grandma..." "Call me Elizabeth, darling." "Blaming your only child for not being as famous as you want to be, it's small, and it's vicious, and it's sad." "Dearie, I don't blame your father for anything." "I blame Julie fucking Andrews." "Everybody knows that, including Julie fucking Andrews, because it's true." "I don't get pregnant, she doesn't get that part." "Only Julie Andrews wasn't around, so all your anger and bitterness got poured onto your son." " Eva." " Ava." "It's Ava with an A, not an E." "Eva is so much prettier." "Okay, listen, Elizabeth." "My dad worked really hard busting his ass writing a song for you and your new husband, and he's gonna sing it tonight onstage, at the piano, with me." "He's trying to make an effort." "I think you can do the same." " You're going to sing?" " Yes." "It's a very meaningful song, okay?" "He poured his heart into it." "I can't wait to hear it." "You're right." "I will make an effort." "Thanks for the heads up, sweetie." "This is a song I wrote especially for this occasion for my mom and her new bride." "And it's about family, and it's about caring for each other." "* *" "* When the world wants to tear you down *" "* Dragging you down *" "* When it drops you like it shot you *" "* To your knees *" "* When the weight on your shoulders *" "* Is too much to take *" "* Put it on me, baby *" "* Put it on me *" "* When the night is descending *" "* And your *" "* Your demons are dark *" "* When you can't find *" "* Some faith you may need *" "* Oh baby *" "* Fight the temptation *" "* Until I arrive *" "* Put it on me, baby *" "* Put it on me *" "* When there's no road to follow *" "* Follow me *" "* When you battle the bottle *" "* Call on me *" "* When you suffer *" "* A sorrow *" "* Hold on to me *" "* Put it on me, baby *" "* Put it on me *" "* Put it on me, baby *" "* Put it on me *" "Hello, suckers." "* There's only room *" "* For one old broad *" "* On old Broadway *" "* There's only one *" "* It should be said *" "* 'Cause all the competition is demented or dead *" "* You know the talent pool begins to thin *" "* Dramatically *" "Dad, how long does she have?" "I'd say... at least five more songs." "No, to live." "How long does she have to live?" " What?" " She told me about the cancer." "You mean the polyp?" "I took that out weeks ago." "She said it was a tumor." "If that polyp is a tumor," "I'm Clarence fucking Clemons." "It was completely harmless and benign." "But you never know." "Early detection, everybody." "That's the key." "* I'll keep right on performing *" "* Till I shatter a hip *" "So she's not gonna die." "She already died once." "You guy never saw Vietnam:" "The Musical." "* Every time I hit the stage, I'm gonna kill *" "* If cancer couldn't stop me, honey *" "* Nothing will *" "* There's only room for one great broad *" "* And that *" "* Great *" "* Broad *" "* Is me *" "Remember what I told you now, Gigi." "Get out when the getting's good." "Good night, guys." "Good night, Grandpa." " Good night, Dad." " Good night, Dr. T." "Can we talk about my grandmother?" "She's unbelievable." "I knew from the moment she said, "Oh, thanks for the heads up,"" "she didn't want to hear a note of the song." "She didn't care." "She didn't want to be upstaged by your voice." "Or your eyes or your tits." "Your mom's a real head case." "I know." "Johnny, I never said this before, but I'm proud of you, man." " Why?" " You took the high road." "And you two sang the shit out of that song." " Yeah, we did." " Yep." "All right." "Thanks." "That means a lot coming from you." "Can I sleep with your daughter now?" "Asshole." "God damn it." "* *" "Honey, he's playing your song." "Yes, he is." "Can you picture yourself at his age, sitting at home, couple of drinks in you, just playing music for the pure pleasure of it." "You know what, Dad?" "I think I can." "Except on my mantelpiece, there would be nine Grammys." "Ten." "One of them would be mine." "No, no, they'd all be mine." "But I would thank you profusely for the third one." "I'd put it right next to my Oscar." " What you get that for?" " My Liza Minnelli biopic, where I gained five pounds of face fat for the role." "Tell you what, you win nine Grammys, one night, when you're not watching," "I'm stealing one and putting my name on it." "That's okay, I'll win another one." "You should've seen her face." "Bobby Q, baby." " Bobby Q!" "I won't tell if you won't tell." "* Don't give it up now *" "* Don't give it up now *" "* Don't give it up now *" "* Take what you need *" "* Don't ever give it all away *"