"( Urban Cookie Collective:" "The Key:" "The Secret)" "The sad twat's wearing cheesecloth." "is cheesecloth back?" "Never went away, disguised itself as linen." "Steven Polack!" "He was after me last Mardi Gras!" "He tried to snog me. I'm in there." "I should go." "Big meeting tomorrow." "I'm up early." "Got to go to London." "He's in. I hate seeing him." "First time here he was a kid." "Then he got all muscles, then he went mad." "He's been with that bloke five years now." "Never said a word." "We nod." " l've had him." " You've had 'em all." " Been here far too long." " Telling me." "Oh, God, they're all in!" "There's Colin - l had him that last night at Flesh." "(Laughs) Oh, God. I had that suit." "I liked that suit." "You looked good." "Didn't half wanna shag you." "Long time ago." "I should go." "But then again..." "One last fling." "Good luck." "Not that you'll need it." "(Vince laughs)" "Do you remember that little friend of his?" "That girl?" " Yeah." " He didn't need her in the end." "His best friend and he didn't need her." "Clever boy." "I'm off." "London calling." " London?" " Yeah." "Been here far too long." "Still, we've had a laugh." "And the rest." " See you then." " Not if I see you first." "I'vegotthekey ,I'vegotthesecret  I'vegotthekey toanotherway I'vegotthekey ..." "Fat Daniel said that Raymondo's back in town." " Hm?" " Hypothermia my arse." "I don't think he's even got a mother." "This tea tastes like fish." "Who's on GMTV?" "Kriss Akabusi. lf l had a pound for every time that man laughed..." "You see, I preferred it when it was TV-AM." "Wincey Willis." "I wonder what happened to her..." "Ooh, Treasure Hunt, Anneka Rice..." "Hello, Stuart Jones's office." " 'Sandra, it's Hazel.' - l'll have to stop that." "It's not his office." "I was gonna phone you." "'lt's about Vince - tell him to keep in touch." "'He's still got some of my CDs.'" "Oh, I bet he's gonna miss him." " Miss who?" " Stuart." "Sell it." "Sally, did you read the memo about wasting company time?" "Sorry." "Coffee?" "(Beeps)" "'Hiya, this is Vince, sorry, I can't take your call right now.'" "(Phone)" " Yes, can I help you?" " l need to speak to Vincent Tyler." " 'He's in a meeting.' - lt's urgent." " Could you tell him it's his mother." " Mrs Tyler?" " 'Yes, that's right.'" " The famous Mrs Tyler." "Mrs Tyler, could I ask you, were you in this store on the 14th?" "Look, whoever you are, I've got to speak to Vince." "And did you have a meeting with the head of personnel on the 14th because I'd like to know what happened on that day." "Bernie!" " Let me get me trousers on!" " What for?" "Who's looking?" "Fly, my pretties!" "Fly!" "Sorry, it's compulsory." "Supervisor Delicatessen becomes Front Line Manager Delicatessen." "Assistant Supervisors become Assistant Front Line Managers." "(Clears throat)" "Right, I know it's a pain but there's a good reason cos all the Front Line Managers and Assistant Front Line Managers, erm... can get six weeks a year in administration." "Right, so you can choose six weeks in one block, two blocks of three weeks or three blocks of two." "Nathan!" " Telephone." "Says it's urgent." " Who is it?" "Call yourself a gay man?" "There's a great big palaver and you're missing it!" "We're still gonna do individual product promotion - the lPP scheme - but from now on you're responsible for finding your own individual product." "And we need your name and chosen product... so that goes to the Front Line Manager... by Thursday." "Right, erm..." "Oh, I've said that already." "Chosen product to Line... lf you could finish we've got a store to run." "Thank you, Vince." "It's Mrs Peel, isn't it?" " l think you'll find that's Mrs Tyler." " lt's Tyler-Peel." "We're from Cheshire." " Sorry, i-it's my mother." " lt's a real emergency." " l need a word with Vince." " You met this woman on the 14th..." " Graham, sit down." " The day of the interview." " Stuart's leaving, not coming back." " l know, I'm not stupid." " He's going to London!" " lt's about time he did!" "Leave it..." " Vince, I'd like a word." " Something happened on the 14th." "I demand that you talk to this...creature." "Oi!" "That's my mother." "And that's your problem, Vince." "Graham, as a friend of mine is very fond of saying..." " fuck off!" " (Graham) Ohh!" "That's nice!" "That's how the deputy manager reacts - listen to that." "A fine family, all of 'em." "You know what?" "He's right." "Fuck off isn't enough." " Marcie." " Yes, sir?" "The floor's yours and the subject is Christmas '99." "Thank you, Mr Chairman." "Right, point of order, if Graham Beck is so keen on the truth why doesn't he tell his fiancée that Christmas '99 he shagged me in refrigeration?" " l knew it!" " lt felt like refrigeration." " l did not - l swear to God." " Small dick!" "That's him!" "Come here, bastard!" "(Claire) Sit down!" "(Marcie) And Vanessa - she's had him." "Bang." "Vince?" "!" "Where are you going?" "London." "Oh, my God, I'm going to London!" "See ya!" "Out the way, I'm driving!" "You're too slow." "You haven't passed your test!" "That's why I'm not slow!" " (Bernard) Oi!" " Excess baggage!" "( Colonel Bogey played on kazoos)" "(Hazel) Come on, what's going on?" "!" " How long is this gonna be?" " Just take it easy." "Crikey." "Mate, back up!" " l can't!" " Back up!" " l can't!" " Who the fuck invented the kazoo?" "Sixteen years, you two." " Nathan Maloney was just being born." " (Sighs)" "Remind me again, who was it taught you to drive?" "Stuart Alan Jones." "My 40th birthday." "And how much did you learn?" "I learned the lot." "Hold it!" "Hold it!" "(Screaming)" "(Honks horn)" "He's not gay!" "(Siren wailing)" "(Siren winding down) I've got to go. I've really got to go!" "No one's going anywhere." "Just calm down, sir." "I was driving!" "He's done nothing wrong!" "You're in enough trouble, don't add resisting arrest." "(Policeman) What they saying back at base?" "Never mind him, look after yourself." "If I've got to be arrested it might as well be worth it." "How's that, love?" " Bloody hell!" " Come on, let's have you." "Run, you daft bastard!" "Nice try." "You're not coming." "I'll do what I like." "You're not." "It'll just be you and me, Stuart and Vince, an old married couple." "Not a shag in sight." "I'm not settling down, ever." "London though?" "London's rubbish." "Kids go to London." "Where else is there?" "I'd go out." "Straight ahead and out." "Keep moving." "You can't settle down if you don't stop." "I've been thinking about this for years." "Press the button." "Dematerialise." "Step out." "New planet." "Says the supermarket boy." "I'm on the run - from the police." " Don't be so camp." " Watch it." " All your dependents of yours." " They'll survive." "And I won't?" "You might not." "No passengers." "You let me down, I'll kill you." "Not if I kill you first." "So what are we waiting for?" " Happy birthday." " What are you doing?" " We're off!" " Off where?" "Where do you think, young fella me lad?" "into the headlines!" "You might finally get that shag." "Oh, give up, stop chasing me(!" ")" " But you're coming back?" " What, come back to this?" "The ghetto?" "Alleyways stinking of piss, beggars in every doorway, straights and students coming to look at the freak show?" "All the idiots saving all the stupid money from their stupid jobs to shoot their load with some stranger?" " (Thunder rumbles)" " Just you look after it, this stupid little street." "It's the middle of the world." "Cos on a street like this, every single night, anyone can meet anyone and every night someone meets someone." "It's all yours now." "All of them." "All the poofs and all the dykes and all the people in between." "And this lot, they'll shag you, they'll rob you." "Some of them might even love you." "And they'll all forget you in the end." " Stick with your friends, you'll be fine." " You fuck it up and I'll come back." "Oh... my..." "God!" " Faggots." " Excuse me?" "What did you say?" "You heard me." "Cos I better warn you, my friend's got a hell of a temper." "Once he's off." "So...what did you say?" "I said..." "Faggots." "What do you think?" "Blood." "Hold on a tick." "Bit deaf, mate - too many nights out clubbing." "So, one more time, what did you say?" "Nothin'." "And one more word, beginning with "S"." "Sorry." "Maybe next time." "Fuck off."