"ALAN:" "Previously on Two and A Half Men." "Larry, where can I put this poop?" "My sister." "She just moved here." "Gretchen, this is Jeff Strongman!" "I have a half-hour to go meet Larry." "I really like Gretchen." "I'm not gonna cheat on her." " Gretchen is coming over tonight." " I don't wanna see her." "If I had a place to sleep here, my apartment would be free." "You had me at "free"." "(CELL PHONE RINGS)" "Oh, sorry, I have to take this." "It's my partner from China." " No problem." " Hello?" "(SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE)" "Wow." "No, I'm on hold." "I'm just making stuff up." "♫ (DREAM SEQUENCE MUSIC) ♫" "♫ (FANTASY SITCOM THEME MUSIC) ♫" "Honey, I'm home!" "Hi, dear!" "How was your day, darling?" "Did you write some new commercials?" "I sure did, Mother." "In six months, everyone in America will smoke refreshing cigarettes." "Or as I like to call them, "healthy flavor-sticks"." "Kids, your father's home!" "(ALL CHEERING)" "Look at all my little Schmidts!" "I pushed every one of those Schmidts out of me!" "Hey, kids, if you eat all your dinner," "I'll give a healthy flavor-stick to each one of yous." "(ALL CHEERING)" "Hi, Dad." "I clogged the toilet again." "And I ain't cleaning it up!" "ALL:" "Oh, Berta!" "Walden." "Walden." "Walden!" "Sorry." "I was daydreaming." "Oh, we were married and we had seven kids." "And they all loved cigarettes." "That's the last margarita for you." "So, I have good news and I have bad news." "Is the good news that we're gonna have sex and the bad news that we can only do it five times?" "The bad news is, I have to go to San Francisco now." "Wow." "The good news is, once I take care of this business," "I can stay here for a few more days." "Mmm." "Then, I can take care of your bidness." "Oh, hey, Kate." "I see you're still as beautiful as ever." "Alan, I see you're still as here as ever." "So we're both doing well." "Okay, I got to go pack my stuff, so I can leave." "I'll take "Phrases Alan Harper Will Never Say" for $500." "Leaving already?" "I hope she doesn't use the bathroom." "I clogged the toilet again." "She's only gone for a couple days." "Then I'm gonna ask her to marry me." "Wait, married?" "Isn't that a little fast?" "(GROANS) Walden, you're always jumping into these kind of things." "You can still live here." "Mazel tov!" "♫ (THEME SONG) ♫" " Hey." "What you guys doing?" " BOTH:" "Hey." "I am taking Jenny to the movies." "Okay, you're not taking me." ""Taking me" implies we're going on a date." "I'm a lesbian." "If anything, I'm taking you." "Because you can't get into an R-rated movie by yourself." "Hey, hold on." "Before you go." "Which one of these engagement rings do you think Kate would like?" "What?" "You're gonna ask her to marry you?" "She's only been back for one day." "Yeah." "She's the one." "Do you know how rare it is to meet "the one"?" "Let alone have it happen every six months?" "No, this is different. (STAMMERS) I am really in love with Kate." "I love my life-size anime doll." "But it'd be weird if I married it." "Right?" "Look, Walden, you're in love with being in love." "You live like you're in a romantic comedy." "You know who's gonna play you in the movie about your life?" "Julia Roberts." "Just do what my dad did." "Don't buy the cow, if you can get a lactating stripper to give you the milk for free!" "Come on, Barry." "Let's go." "You know who would play me and you in the movie?" "Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan." "I'll be either one." "Hey, Charlie." "It's me, Walden." "We never met, but I'm the guy who took your place." "Thanks for giving up your house." "I guess you didn't give it up." "You died." "You'd have to be on crack to give up all this." "Anyway, is Jenny right?" "I mean, do I fall in love too fast?" "Come on, Charlie." "Talk to me." "At least show me a sign." "Yeah, that's what I thought." " (KNOCKING ON WINDOW) - (HIGH-PITCHED SCREAM)" "(THUNDER RUMBLES)" " Here, try my famous guacamole." " Oh, what makes it famous?" "I don't know, it's really good and everybody likes it." "I didn't think you'd call me on it." "Do you have any famous recipes?" "Well, there's the Strongman family meatloaf." " You'll have to make that for me." " The recipe died with Grandmother." "We'd always say, "Write it down, write it down!"" "And she'd say, "Tomorrow."" "One day, your tomorrows run out." "Oh, Nana Strongman." "Every day, I learn something new about my Jeff." "(CHUCKLES) You and me, both." " Wish we could be together everyday." " What would that be like?" "Well, let's put it this way." "The Strongman meat would not be loafing." " Move in with me." " Seriously?" "You make this place a home." "When you're not here, this place feels like it belongs to somebody else." " So what do you say?" " I say, yes!" " Oh, my God." "That's great!" " I insist on paying half the rent." "I love you." "Cash only." " Can I help you?" " Hey, sorry to bother you." "I've been hiking all day and I saw you had a hose out here and I was wondering if I could fill up my water bottle." "I have a hose?" "Yeah, bottom of the stairs." "Good for me." "I actually have filtered water in the kitchen." "I kind of had my heart set on dirty hose-water." "But if you insist." "♫ (CHOIR SINGS ANGELIC NOTES) ♫" "Should I..." "I'm sorry." "What?" "Should I wipe my feet?" "I don't wanna track beach-sand into your..." "House-sand?" "Oh, no, that's not sand." "That's the remains of the guy who used to live here." "Maybe I'll use the hose outside." "No, it's not like that." "He gets spilled all the time." "At this point, he's mostly lint." "I'm Walden." " Vivian." " That's a beautiful name." "Thank you." "My parents got it from that 70's show." "What was it called?" "Maude." "Yeah." "Wow, this is quite a place." " Your desk's backwards." " Excuse me?" "You have this beautiful view of the ocean, and yet your desk is facing the wall with a picture of the ocean on it." "Yeah, actually, it's the Atlantic." "It's an inside joke." "For myself." "You know what?" "I better fill up and get going." "It's really starting to come down out there." "It's just a little water." "I'm not gonna melt." "It's not like I'm the Wicked Witch of the West." "You could wait it out here." "We could have dinner together." "I'll order delivery." "Really?" "Wow." "Yeah, that would be great." " Great." " Okay." "Oh, thank you." "Do you always invite strangers into your home?" "Oh, no." "Usually, they invite themselves." "I am so excited to move in with you!" "On top of paying half the rent, I'm also paying half the utilities." "Thank you." "There's also a security deposit, a cleaning deposit." "The groceries you've already eaten." "But we'll figure that out later." "We're gonna have so much fun." "If this is gonna get more physical, I got to go freshen up." "You mean, poop?" "I love you so much." "Hey, if the pizza guy shows up, I don't have any money." "Hey, that's my line." " Wallet's on the counter." " Thanks." "(SLO-MOTION) Wait!" "(ALAN THUDS)" "Who's Alan Harper?" "A guy who no longer has to poop." "What's your deal, Walden?" "Good-looking guy, rich, Malibu beach-house." "I bet you only date hot actresses." "God, no." "I'd never date an actress." " They're all crazy." " I'm sure they're not all crazy." "Trust me, they are." "I don't get this whole fascination with celebrities anyway." "I mean, who cares who's dating who, or who's engaged to who, or who has a sex-tape that no one will ever, ever see?" "I know." "But I have to say." "I am a sucker for anything Brangelina or Kimye." "I have no idea what that means." "I thought we were eating Kimye." "Have you been hiding under a rock for the last three years?" "No, but I have climbed a few." "I was a Sherpa in Nepal." "Yeah, and I drove cattle in Argentina." "I used to give safari tours in Africa." "And once, I was an assistant manager at a Hot Dog on a Stick, Pittsburgh." "I love hot dogs." "And I've never even thought about doing stuff like that." "I did once sit in the splash section at SeaWorld without a poncho." "Then you'd be perfect for my next adventure." "Crewing on a sailboat to Polynesia." "Wow." "A sailboat to Polynesia." "♫ (ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS) ♫" "So what island do you want to hit first?" "As long as we're together, it doesn't matter." "(ALAN GRUNTING)" "That was a close one." "I barely caught you guys." "I'm still living with you, right?" "VIVIAN:" "Walden." " Walden." " Huh?" " Which one do you want?" " Right now, I want both." "Oh, here." "Oh." ""A new love awaits you."" "Wow." "Mine says, "Try gluten-free wontons."" "Okay, you've asked, "Who is Alan Harper?"" "And you deserve the truth." "My real name is Alan Harper." "I used to date Lyndsey." "But when she broke up with me, I wanted to meet her new boyfriend." "But I didn't want him to know." "So I created Jeff Strongman." "But then we became real friends." "Then you came along and I liked you." "And everything was perfect until you picked up my wallet." "Which re-enforces my one rule, "Never offer to pay for anything"!" "So nothing I know about you is real?" "My feelings for you are real." "I was telling the truth when I said I wanted you to live with me." " What about your son?" " That wasn't a lie." "I have a son." "Just not the guy you met." " MIT?" " L-l-E." "Anything else?" "I take regular condoms and I put them in the Magnum box." "Yeah, I kind of figured that." "All right." "Good-bye, Jeff, Alan." "Whatever your name is." "Please, Gretchen." "Don't go." "I really do care for you!" "Gretchen, come back!" "You have the pizza coupon." "Wow, look at you!" "Now, you can look at the ocean and watch porn at the same time." "I don't like looking at naked women." "That didn't come out right." "I use this computer for work." "In fact, it's what paid for this view." "This view is free." "God, everything you say is like a bumper sticker." "I'm gonna keep on trucking then." "Hey, don't forget to "coexist"." "You know, it's with all the..." "Where they're just symbols..." "It's a bumper sticker, never mind." "Where you headed?" "Carbon Canyon, tonight." "And then, the road is open and so is my mind." "(GASPS) Ooh!" "That could be a bumper sticker." "Why don't you give me your number?" "We'll have to stay in touch." "I don't have a phone." "That is awesome." " So, I guess this is goodbye." " I guess so." "Thanks for letting me crash and the hot shower." "By the way, your staff is so attentive." "That Barry kid checked up on me, like, five times during the night." "You know, I don't usually say this to people in this house." "But if you want, you could stay longer." "You're very sweet, Walden." "But I got to get going." "Enjoy your view." " Hey, Vivian?" " Yeah?" " Are you gonna be okay?" " Yeah." "I'll be fine." " I mean, this is what I do." " Okay." " Walden?" " Yeah?" " Are you gonna be okay?" " I do." "Think I'm gonna be okay." "Okay, I think I got all my stuff." "Okay, that is my lamp." "Yeah, yeah, but I put a new bulb in it." "I'll wait till this one blows out, then I'll shoot it right back." "Okay, or..." "(DOORBELL RINGS)" "I'll be back for you." " Gretchen." " I'm glad you're here." "I realized the only thing I know is where you live." "Well..." "Oh, my God." "Is everything about you a lie?" " Are you even cheap?" " I am cheap." "Two of the four windows in my car are garbage bags." "Look, look, I know I was an idiot." "But what I said before, I meant that." "But I understand if you want nothing to do with me." "That's why I'm here." "Look, I made my share of mistakes when my husband left me." "I know how hurtful it can be." "I know how crazy you can become." "I'm sure you Googled me and saw my mug-shots online." "No." "Don't freak out, I was innocent." "According to the state of Illinois." "The point is, we all have secrets." "So, are you saying that we can get back together?" "I would like to break up with Jeff Strongman and get to know Alan Harper." "Really?" "Oh, that's great." "But first, I'd like one last moment with Jeff." " Jeff?" " Yes?" "Screw you!" "Oh, God!" "Oh, are you okay, Alan?" " Hey, you!" " Hey, you're back." "So, I've got good news and I've got great news." "The good news is, I did work it out so I could stay a few more days." "And the great news is, I took my underwear off in the car." "Hey..." "Listen, we need to talk." "Awfully serious for someone who got hit with a thong." "Here's the thing." " While you were gone, I met someone." " What?" "I mean, nothing happened physically." "It's just..." "I can't stop thinking about her." "It's made me question everything." "Including my sanity and interior decorating instincts." "Are you saying that you wanna be with this girl?" "I don't know what I want." "I know I have to pursue this." " Wow." " Listen, I'm sorry." "I never meant to hurt you." "I don't feel the same." " (HARD THUD) - (LOUD GROAN)" " Hi." " Hiya!" "(PAINFUL GROANING)" "Oh, they had just dropped back down!" "Walden, what are you doing here?" "Remember how you asked me if I was gonna be okay?" "I don't think I am." "Is it because I just kicked you in the balls?" "There's that." "But before I met you," "I was very close to asking another woman to marry me." "I didn't because I couldn't stop thinking of you." "So, you came here to tell me that you dumped your girlfriend, sweep me off my feet and the two of us would, what, sail off into the sunset together?" "Yes?" "You don't even know me." "Okay, I know you enough to know that I wanna know you more." "Oh, Walden, stop it." "I'm just a stranger who wanted to drink from your hose." "Okay, that didn't really come out right." "I know I don't know you very well." "I feel like you're the type of guy who falls in love easily." "You know me perfectly!" "That's exactly who I am!" "We're soulmates!" "Soulmates aren't made in a day." "That's another great bumper sticker." "Walden, you're a great guy, but we lead two different lives." "Did I mention that I have a plane and I can take you anywhere you wanna go?" "Do you see?" "You wanna fly over everything." "For you, it's all about the destination." "For me, the journey is the destination." "Okay, are you writing these down?" "Go home, Walden." "But I walked four miles to get here, in the dark, in the woods!" "I don't even know if I can find my way home!" "Maybe I should just stay with you." "(CAR ALARM CHIRPS)" "Dude, there's your car." " Here you go, sweetie." " Thank you." "I'm so sorry I freaked out on you." "It's not your fault." "I should've known better." "I'm sorry, too." "I should've never let you go." "Well, you're both here now." "I'm ready to enjoy the view." " You want us to kiss, Walden?" " Yeah, kiss each other." "Do it." "Kiss each other." "Well, it is his house." "♫ (THEME SONG) ♫" "(English US" " SDH)"