"Kelly:" "We talked all night." "He was an amazing listener." "Maybe my alien experience is highlighting some problems in my marriage." "Have you ever sought consolation in Christ?" "Jonathan:" "You were supposed to wipe his mind, and then implant a memory to mask the entire experience." "But he's supposed to have a memory of hitting a deer, not seeing them in his waking life." "[Exhales]" "[Crickets chirping]" "Subject 19076." "Retired, 72 years old, widowed." "Subject demonstrated a need for nonsexual, physical contact." "... 978, 979," " 9 hundred..." " [Beeps]" "Subject 19077." "Subject has a fascination with puzzles and modern warfare, demonstrated a need for social collaboration." "Subject's memories were wiped." "No memories of our encounter will remain." " [Beeps]" " Computer voice:" "Saving." "♪ ♪" "Kelly:" "Thanks for listening." "I haven't felt this comfortable talking to anybody in a while." "I feel like I could tell you anything." " Thank you." " You are an awesome listener." "Anyway, what... what about you?" "What's your deal?" "I, uh..." "No one has ever asked me anything... about my deal." "Jeff:" "Damn it!" "Stupid piece of crap!" "Garbage stuff that just gets in the way..." "[Groans]" "H-hey!" "Jeff, you seem angry." "Just going through our research on 28409, and he's demonstrated a heightened ability to recover memories." "Yeah, that's why Kurt put the implant in him in the first place." "Well, if you ask me, 28409's a time bomb." "[Sighs]" "I'm gonna attempt a manual reset." "That's very, very risky." "I'll figure it out." "I'm pretty technical." "[Feedback] Ahh!" "Mm!" "[Sighs] Did that do anything?" "I can't even tell." "I'm not sure this is wise with your lack of patience and little fingers." "Oh, [bleep] off." "You want to be helpful?" "Kurt's killer is still at large." "See if you can track down the car that hit him." "It had an "Empathy" bumper sticker." "Find it." "The bumper." "[Beeps]" "♪ ♪" "Hey, Nancy, I'm not feeling that great, so if it's cool, I'm just gonna duck out a little early." "Okay." "♪ ♪" "Ozzie:" "Dengue fever?" "It's unlikely." "[Breathes shallowly] Ovarian cysts?" "No." "I wonder if I hold these two down at the same time..." " [Beeps] - [Mariachi band plays]" "Oh, man, these guys are good." "[Whimpers]" "[Music stops]" "[Exhales sharply]" "Oh, thank God." "[Knocks at door]" "Hi, am I interrupting?" "Uh, no... just doin' the Lord's work." "I'm kidding." "Times crossword." "[Laughs]" "Anyway, I just wanted to stop by and tell you that I picked up one of these." "Well, that's great." " How do you like it?" " I'm loving it." "I actually really, um..." "you know who I'm digging?" "I'm digging, um, Mary." " Of course, Mary." " I don't know." "She's great." "I just really relate to what she went through." "I feel like we're, um..." "I don't know..." "I feel like we're the same." "Is that blasphemous?" "No." "No." "Mary's the best... courageous, small-town girl, a bit of a rebel, rode a donkey nine-months pregnant." "And that's a strong female protagonist, actually." "[Laughs]" " Okay, uh, I'll let you get back." " Okay." "You know, Chelsea, we are... we're discussing Mary in Bible Study this week." " Oh!" " I know." "If you want to drop by..." "Yeah!" "Uh, okay." "It's a date." "It's a date." "♪ ♪" "Don:" "Hi." "♪ ♪" "Kelly." "Kelly likes coffee." "_" "I'm not sure if it's a thyroid thing, or maybe it's low blood sugar?" "Okay, okay." "Here's what you do for headaches." "You take children's aspirin, you crush it up, you put it in a club soda, you pour that in your neti pot, and then you flush that through your sinuses." "I don't think a neti pot is gonna work for a thyroid condition." "Listen, there's not a single thing that a neti pot can't cure." "I've got a spare one in my car if you'd like me to get it." "I've got to be honest with you, I'm not really aaaaaah... aaaaaaaah..." "[Pounding on keyboard]" "Ah, God damn it." "The system's frozen." " ... aaaaaaaaah..." " I don't want to pressure you," " so you just..." " ... aaaaaaaaaah  think about it." "... aaaaaaaaaah..." "Okay." "Rebooting." "... aaaaaa... neti pot guy." "Kelly:" "Uh, I think I'm gonna break up with Karl." "Gina:" "Why?" "He seemed so nice." "Yeah, he seemed nice." " Is he not?" " No, he is." "Do you feel like there may be a pattern here?" "Yeah." "Dudes are the worst." "Or maybe you're having a hard time sustaining a relationship in the wake of your experience." " My experience was kind of great." " Well, maybe that's the problem." "Maybe everything else pales in comparison." "No." "I... think it's just that he's very boring." "Plus he says "Ore-gone."" ""I'm going to 'Ore-gone.'"" "It's Oregon." "Yeah." " Man #1:" "You say Ore-gones." " Man #2:" "Oregonés?" " Dump him." " You don't say "Al-lab-a-ma."" "[Beeps]" " I say Oregon." " Ore-gon." " [Slurping loudly]" " Woman: ...body parts..." "[Slurping intensifies, all say "Oregon"]" "Stop!" "Richard, stop it!" "Your sipping is killing me." "I'm so sorry. [Scoffs]" "I-I'm sorry." "It's just that my head... it's-it's throbbing again." "The headaches... they're back?" "I'll get the neti." "I don't know what it is." "It..." "it..." "Something is seriously wrong." "Aliens probably put a microphone in your head." " There it is." " That's when my headaches started." "Thanks for that, but I'm gonna go with something a bit more reasonable, medically speaking." "Uh, maybe, like, mad cow?" "[Auto-tuned] Dude, I think Ennis is right." "It sounds like alien dickery." "[Auto-tuned] No, I think we're all tip-toeing around the T-word." " [Auto-tuned] Microphone?" " Not "Microphone," Ennis." " The T-word." "T!" " [Auto-Tuned] T-Tequila?" "Now I'm starting to have hallucinations." "[Normal voice] Hallucinations?" "Headaches?" "That's a tumor." "Gina:" "Maybe... can we not be so free with the word "tumor"?" "Okay." "I..." "I think I need to go to a hospital." " [Normal voice] Dibs!" " Kelly: [Normal voice] Uh, I better do it." "I'm his sponsor." "No offense..." "I think I'm gonna have Gerry take me, because he's the only one in this room that is not dressed exactly like me." "Uh, okay." "You guys better get a move on." "Doctor:" "Okay, Mr. Graham... in a minute, I'm going to ask you to take a deep breath in and hold it." "You're doing great buddy." "Uh, sir, you're not supposed to be in here." "Just stay calm, buddy." "I'll be right out here when you're done." "Okay, Mr. Graham..." "deep breath in, hold it." " [Clacks]" " And get ready to boogie." "[Disco music plays]" "Oh, no." "No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no." "♪ ♪" "John, I forgot I have a thing to do today." " John:" "Not that alien-group thing?" " No." "Good." "Love you." "Hi." "Am I in the right place?" "There's a lot of kids." "[Chuckles] It's an intro class." "It's open to everyone." "Oh." "Okay." "Hello." "That seat's saved." "That's kind of weird, 'cause I'm already sitting in it." "Doug:" "Eyes up here." "So, does everyone understand the Virgin Birth?" "Yes." "That is when Mary has God's baby." "That's right." "Jesus." "It doesn't make sense, because she's a virgin." "Well, that's where the miracle of it comes into play." "Couldn't she have been lying about being a virgin?" "That's what Joseph thought." "Yes, but he was very, very wrong." "Put yourself in her shoes... a divine being shows up in the middle of the night in your bedroom, tells you you're special...?" "Of course your husband isn't going to believe that." "He probably thinks you're just doing this for some sort of attention." "But who wants that kind of attention?" "Who would want that kind of attention?" "Are... are we still talking about the Bible?" " Yes." "Yes." " No." "Yes." "Ozzie:" "Is it my thyroid?" "Oh, God." "It's my thyroid, isn't it?" "Someone's been using the Internet." " Maybe." " If you look here, this little little opaque spot is a mass." "A mass?" "Can you be more specific?" " Is it a tumor?" " We don't know." "What do you mean you don't know?" "You're a doctor." "I'm not comfortable guessing." " Maybe it's your twin." " It's not a twin." "That does happen." "Y... you know what, could you maybe wait outside?" "Yep." "So, this mass... what do we do?" "Do we run some more tests?" "Do we wait it out?" "We'd actually like to remove it." "Immediately." " Today?" " Well, you could wait, but most people don't roll the dice on brain stuff." "♪ ♪" "[Sighs] Okay." "I got this." "Uh... all righty..." "[Buzzes]" "Computer voice:" "Warning..." "you are about to replace this subject's memory permanently." " Do you want to save?" " Nope!" "Commencing defragmentation." "[Beeps]" "[Monitor beeping]" "♪ ♪" "Goodbye, 28409's mind." "All your memories will be lost." "Pity." "♪ ♪" "[Powers down, siren wails]" "Signal lost." "Signal lost?" "How?" "What?" "Ahh!" "Why?" "!" "You piece of crap!" "Gerry:" "Hey, bud." "I was here the whole time." " How you feelin'?" " Gerry." "I'm pretty groggy." "Doctor:" "Mr. Graham, you're up." " Your operation went very well." " Yeah." "You'll be glad to know it was not a tumor." " Great." "What was it?" " Well, it's funny... it didn't appear as a foreign object on your skin, but it seems to be a tiny piece of metal." " Metal?" " Metal?" "I said the same thing." "I've never seen anything like it." "It's, uh, a very uniform." "Wait." "How did this get into this?" "I can think of one reason." "[Whispering] Aliens." "Boop." ""What does it mean if I get a signal lost error?"" ""Subject removed the chip."" "How could he remove the chip?" "[Sniffs]" "What are you doing?" "I don't want to contaminate it by touching it." "Smells weird..." "like glass. [Sniffs]" "How did a piece of metal get stuck in my head?" "It has to be aliens." "But why?" "Mind control?" "We should take it to a lab." "They probably have one here." "But can we trust them?" "How long do you think it would take to drive to NASA?" "But can we trust them?" "[Sighs] Pick up, pick up!" "Pick up!" " [Coffee machine whirs, phone vibrates]" " Don: ♪ Kelly likes coffee ♪" "♪ I'm making coffee ♪" "♪ Coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, co... ♪" "God, useless!" "He removed the chip?" "!" "I might need you to retrieve it." "Oh, wait, I'm sorry, Jeff." "I-I couldn't hear you." "I might need you to retrieve the chip, if you care about evidence of our existence lying around." "Wait, you, the great Jeff need help from lowly me?" "Okay, can we not do this?" "I'll offer you my help if you ask nicely." "Repeat after me..." " "Jonathan"..." " Jonathan  "I'm a slimy, little bitch."" " I'm not saying that." " I'm not helping you." "I'm a slimy little bitch." " "Please get the chip."" " Please get the chip." "I didn't like your tone." "Let's try it again." " Just do it!" " All right, Jeff," "I'll save you and the invasion, again." "[Phone hangs up]" "His hapless bearded friend Gerry called today, said he was at the hospital." "I'm on it." "[Knocks at door]" " Hi!" " Hi." "I don't want to interrupt your crossword puzzle." "Actually, I'm working on my homily." "Well, um, I just wanted to touch base with you about the, um..." "[Clears throat] the last class." "I feel like things maybe got a little weird." " Did they get weird?" "Did you feel that?" " Well, I... [Sighs]" "I mean, you somehow managed to steal the spotlight away from the mother of God." "I feel badly about that, but, um... see, something unexplainable happened to Mary, and something unexplainable happened to me, and I guess I was just really excited to... talk to you about it." "And the enthusiasm was great, just not super appropriate for that crowd." "Yeah, sorry." "I think I..." "I thought this was a book about explaining that kind of thing." "Don't worry." "I won't be coming back to Bible Study." " [Coffee machine whirs] - [Mid-tempo music plays]" "Karl:" "You're having a hard time connecting to me." "Have you ever considered the fact that you're the one who's hard to connect to?" "No, I haven't, actually." "So, I guess we're canceling our trip to Ore-gone." " It's Oregon." " What?" "It's pronounced "Oregon."" " Uh, well, it's not actually." " Yeah, it is." "And I kind of can't believe that you're correcting my pronunciation right now." "It's just... it's a thing with me, okay?" "Sorry." "Goodbye, Karl." "You're a nice person." "I hope you figure it out." "♪ ♪" "[Door closes]" "[Exhales sharply]" "I couldn't help but overhear everything." " You were listening?" " Yeah." "That's weird." "Mind your own business." "Oh, I made you this." "Oh, um, I made you this." "I don't know what that means." "I'm just gonna leave that there for you." "Thank you." "What the..." "Hey, Gerry, I think it was alien technology." " What?" " Why's that so hard for me to say?" "I don't like it, but I'm owning it." "Yeah." "Own it, buddy." "You're my best friend." "I'm tired." "Okay, buddy, I'm gonna go to the loo. [Smooches]" "[Indistinct conversations]" "♪ ♪" "Oh, hey." "Who are you?" " Ozzie's co-worker Nancy." " That's cool." " Jonathan sends his regards." " Jonathan, huh?" "Couldn't make it down himself?" "I thought he was Ozzie's best friend." "I've been here all night long." "Ozzie just said I was his best friend." "I can see he's sleeping." "I'll be on my way." "Sleeping like a baby." "I'll tell him you dropped by." " Where's the metal?" " Ozzie:" "What's going on, Gerry?" "Where is it?" "Where is what?" "Where's the tray... the vial?" "The tray's not there!" "Oh, yeah." "The vial's gone." " Help!" " Help." "Ohh!" "Hey, when this is over," "I'm gonna write a book all about this, and you're gonna be in it." "I would really be interested in hearing about this, buddy, but we're in DEFCON 5." "♪ ♪" "[TV plays, Cellphone rings]" "Yeah?" "No, I'm not doing anything." "I can talk numbers." "Okay, 80% LTV origination..." " it's what's called a tier 2 loan." " [Ringtone chimes]" "In tier 2, the max LTV on a supplemental" " is 70% of the new value." " _" " [Romantic music plays]" " Also, just saw a 76-unit CDL 80k." "No, no, no." "Yeah, no." "I'm not sure where we got 470k." "♪ ♪" "Doug:" "Our everyday life is filled with chores and errands that people 100, even 50 years ago couldn't comprehend." "Moses saw the burning bush." "The disciples had to tell people that they saw Jesus rise from the dead." "And Mary had to tell her husband that she was pregnant even though she was still a virgin." "That's a tall order." "♪ We can see stars from here ♪" "Doug:" "Sometimes God makes us witnesses to the unexplainable." "♪ ♪" "♪ Why would we go back anyway?" "♪" "Doug:" "Imagine carrying the burden of having experienced an impossible event." "Could you, could I?" "I don't know." "Uh, most of us will never be tested in that way." "But those that we celebrate today, they held firm." "They never wavered, even when those around them wouldn't listen." "That's courage." "That's faith." "♪ ♪" " Metal?" " Metal?" " What you mean, Metal"?" " Like a microphone." "It was metal... perfectly shaped, like a little circle." "Alien technology." "They put it in his head." "The doctor didn't know how it got there or what it was." "Dude, you admitted yourself it was alien technology... in the room, after surgery." "I don't remember that." "I mean, I was pretty high." "It was like Snoop Dogg, Willie Nelson," "Wiz Khalifa barbecue high." "No, you said it." "I was there." "And you said you were gonna write a book about it, and that I was your best friend." "Okay, Gerry, please don't put words in Ozzie's mouth." " Okay?" " What, I'm not." "People do crazy things when they're high." "I took generic feline Ativan last year, and I bought five pairs of jeans online." "Okay, I... okay..." "Where is the metal now?" "Where is the metal?" "A nurse walked away with it." "We think a nurse took it." " Reptilian?" " It was a nurse." "I don't even go to doctors." "Ozzie, how are you feeling?" "Can... can you describe how you're feeling?" "Sure." "Yesterday there was something in my head, and today there's not." "So I guess I feel pretty okay." "Dude, just admit it!" "It was aliens!" "Calm down." "You said it!" "It was alien technology!" "Just... just... just say it!" "You admitted it before." "We're not leaving till you say it." "You know what, leave us out of it, okay, Gerry?" " We weren't there." " Okay, you know what?" "Fine." " I'll say this..." " Yes." "Something happened to me, and it was unexplainable." "And... sure, why not?" "It could have been aliens." "Fine." "We can check this one off in the box" " for the alien-believing column." " All right!" "But it also could have been the tooth fairy, because we have no physical, actual proof." "Whatever." "I'll take it." "I called you seven times." " Where were you?" " It's been a very busy day." " Did you find the car?" " No." "What do you mean "No"?" "You had all day." "You... you answer the phone when I call you!" "[Bangs on door] You hear me?" "!" "Mm!" "Ah!" "Uh!" "Wha!" "Loser, loser, winner, winner!" "Here's your trophy." "[Suspenseful music plays]"