"( theme song plays )" "( cheerful greetings overlap )" "Ah, greetings from Paris, mon Colonel." "You're a long way from home, Dubois." "Sit down, sit down." "Well, we need assistance." "Lafayette, we are here." "LeBeau, get him some coffee and put some vin in it, huh?" "What year?" "Oh, allez, allez." "Well, in Paris we have a problem." "A real problem." "The impossible we do immediately." "We have trouble with the easy ones." "This is not easy." "You know of, uh, General Hammerschlag?" "Commander of the Paris Garrison." "Oui." "He has drawn up a master plan for the defense of Paris by the Boche." "We must have that plan." "You think it's that important?" "When the Allies reach Paris in force, the Germans will pull out like that." "That is not what concerns us, LeBeau." "When Paris can no longer be defended," "Hitler has ordered it to be blown up, to the last building." "Not even the Germans..." "Blow up Paris?" "Ha!" "Unless we stop them." "Hammerschlag's plan has the exact location of every stick of dynamite." "Would be handy to have." "We should be able to get to him, but we cannot." "An Achilles heel?" "A mystic, wants to part the, uh, the veil of the future." "Seeks guidance from the ghost of Prince Bismarck." "Sounds like our type fella." "There is a woman at Le Bal Africain" "Kumasa-- a singer." "We believe she has some sort of influence on Hammerschlag." "But she has repulsed all our tries at contact." "But you have checked her out?" "Oui." "And that intelligence has been most helpful." "Although she passes in Paris as African, she is actually American." "An American." "Good." "Glad you came to us, Dubois." "This is what we do best." "LeBeau, you're coming with me to Paris." "Great." "Newkirk, Carter, Kinch, you stay here and cover for us." "Right, sir." "What do we do about Klink, Colonel?" "Well, I guess it would be safest if he came along with us." "Dubois, we'll leave tomorrow, is that enough time?" "Well, Colonel Hogan, there is a slight misunderstanding." "About the reason I came here." "You came to have us take over the mission, what else could you come for?" "Well, uh, Allied intelligence gave us a possible contact with Kumasa." "A man she went to high school with in the United States is, uh, is a prisoner in Stalag 13." "You came here just to get him?" "Oui." "Sergeant Kinchloe." "Wow." "Kinch, you lucky dog." "Paris!" "And he's not even French!" "Paris." "Boy!" "The Eiffel Tower." "Kinch, I'm very happy for you." "Why don't you come along, Colonel?" "As my guest." "Well, thanks." "Schultz!" "Get in here on the double!" "Quick!" "Jawohl, Jawohl, Herr Kommandant." "What is it?" "An escape?" "A riot?" "Schultz, prepare the staff car." "Your commandant has been chosen" "German Soldier of the Month, and we are driving to Paris for me to enjoy my prize." "Is there another Colonel Klink, Herr Kommandant?" "What are you talking about, Schultz?" "This club in Paris, Le Bal Africain-- very big, very important, I'm sure-- is awarding me this all-expense weekend-- champagne, lodging, beautiful girls-- to look at, of course-- for my excellent work at Stalag 13," "and you are driving me." "Ah!" "Then I am also the German Soldier of the Month." "You are a big bungler that I do not trust out of my sight." "Now, get ready." "We leave in two hours." "( humming French cancan tune )" "Schultz!" "I'm going, Herr Colonel." "Ouch!" "Sorry, Colonel." "Now, we can't make an omelet without breaking a few eggs, now, can we?" "That's what I look like-- a French omelet." "Why can't Kinch be the busboy?" "Let me be the doorman." "Bad casting, Colonel." "Bad, bad casting." "Besides, those are the only two jobs the underground could arrange to have open at the club." "I mean, you heard Dubois make the call, sir." "Yeah, I know, I know." "I'm just off-balance about this whole operation." "I can't get with it." "It ain't exactly downhill for me either, Colonel." "I don't know if this chick is even going to remember me." "She was kind of a high roller in high school." "I wasn't in her league at all." "She'll remember you." "Who could forget?" "Sure." "You didn't have the mustache then." "It makes all the difference." "Marvelous thing, really." "I don't even know if I want her to remember me." "Sounds like her best friend now is a German general." "Schultz is coming." "HOGAN:" "All right, carry on." "Colonel Hogan, Colonel Hogan." "You will never guess!" "Try me." "No!" "It is so incredible that not in your life are you going to guess." "Guess." "You're going to Paris." "Yes!" "I'm going to Paris!" "You guessed." "Schultz, we've always been honest with each other." "Now, give it to me straight." "What do you think of this outfit?" "How did you know that I was going to Paris?" "I'm going with you." "Now, come on." "Answer the question." "No!" "You're not going to go with us!" "Not again!" "Not on the roof of the staff car!" "All right, we'll let Klink ride on the roof." "Colonel Hogan, please!" "What is he wearing?" "What... what are you wearing?" "It's the latest thing from Paris, Schultzy." "Now, what about something for you?" "Maybe some sequins on your helmet?" "I must report this, Colonel Hogan." "I must!" "Okay, Schultz, suit yourself." "Only thing is, you're going to have to explain how you let us go along last time." "I did not!" "Colonel Hogan, please." "I plead with you." "Do not spoil the great honor that is being paid to Commandant Klink." "You will never guess." "He's been chosen German Soldier of the Month." "You guessed." "How did you know?" "We chose him." "I see nothing!" "I know nothing!" "I hear nothing!" "Herr Kommandant, Le Bal Africain." "Schultz, you announce me." "Never mind." "I'll announce myself." "Pardon." "The club is closed." "My dear fellow, I'm Kommandant Klink." "Yes?" "German Soldier of the Month?" "All-expense weekend in Paris?" "The club is closed." "Here." "I have a letter." "Obviously a forgery." "This could not be." "Look, if I could just see Mademoiselle Kumasa." "Mademoiselle Kumasa speaks to no one below the rank of General." "General?" "Yes, of course." "I realize your position, sir, but if I could just..." "The club is closed." "Good day to you, sir." "Ah, c'est dommage!" "Anything wrong, Herr Kommandant?" "Everything is wrong, Schultz!" "I know them." "Both of them." "From somewhere." "Do I know them, Schultz?" "These Frenchmen, Herr Kommandant-- they all look alike." "You know, Kinch, I'm beginning to get a good feeling about this for the first time." "The way we handled Klink?" "Yeah." "Had that old Stalag 13 touch-- like the waterbed." "Now, if I hit him in the face with it, it would have been too much." "As it was, it felt right." "Just right." "The real trouble may be in there." "Come on." "We're rolling now." "She'll fall at your feet." "Let's go." "Us, Colonel?" "Yeah." "I can't talk to her alone." "Well, sir, I just thought it might be better if I went in first." "Yeah, you're right." "My timing is still off." "I'll wait." "Yes, sir." "I mean, I, um... could mop the floor." "( knocking )" "Entrez." "Mademoiselle, your new doorman reporting for duty." "Oh?" "What happened to the last one?" "An indisposition, but only temporary." "Well... you're quite a change from what he was." "You're quite a change from Carol Dukes." "Don't tell me." "Well, you're out of uniform, and a long way from home." "Ivan Kinchloe." "Well, that's pretty good." "I didn't think you even knew my name in high school." "Oh, but I had a thing for you, shy boy." "Didn't you know?" "I wish I had." "So what is this?" "You put on that funny suit just so we could talk about old times in Detroit?" "Well, not exactly." "Ah." "Calvados?" "Thanks." "It might help." "To old times." "May they never return." "It's not likely." "Mmm." "So, now, tell me just what it is you want." "Well, quite a bit." "And, uh..." "what is in it for me?" "Very little." "Forget it." "We need the defense plans to Paris." "We need you to help us get them." "And you want to use me to get to Hammerschlag?" "That's about it." "That's about it?" "Well, what makes you think..." "What makes you think you can walk in here and casually ask me to jeopardize everything I've built all my life, even risk my life, for what?" "What?" "You'll have to fill that one in yourself." "Ah." "For a country that gave me nothing, and I mean not a thing." "Okay." "Apparently, I can't compete with a Nazi general." "He's a pig." "But he gives my club protection, and, if I could get him in touch with the Ghost of Bismarck, he'd give me Paris." "Wunderbar." "And what's wrong with that?" "What is wrong with looking after number one?" "Nothing." "It sounds like everything is just great, so what are you getting so defensive about?" "Oh, you would be a fool to trust me." "You know that." "Staff car outside looks like Hammerschlag." "Where do we stand?" "Nowhere." "Is that right?" "I haven't made up my mind yet." "So you can either stick around for the ride or you can run right back where you came from." "( knocking )" "Colonel?" "I haven't been right about anything yet." "Let's stick around." "Entrez." "General von Hammerschlag." "Ah, my dear Kumasa." "You may go." "General, may I present my new doorman and my, uh..." "Busboy... a mute, General, unfortunately, but a most unusual man." "Most interesting." "Go." "Yes, of course, General." "And, uh, our congratulations." "Why congratulations?" "Well, concerning the Prince Bismarck." "Come, come." "Wait." "I believe you mentioned the name of Prince Bismarck." "What about Prince Bismarck?" "Well, General, uh..." "General?" "Kumasa has found that this man, in the proper hypnotic state, talks directly with a shade of Prince Bismarck." "But he is a mute, you said!" "Most fascinating." "He is!" "A French mute." "But, under hypnosis, his former self emerges-- an American of the past century." "I do not believe it." "Kumasa, you remember." "The Prince seemed most interested in the General's career." "You mentioned none of this." "KINCH:" "It's all been most recent." "Look at him." "Obviously a man of limited intelligence." "Observe the eyes-- how close together." "Yet, in the spirit world, the intimate of princes." "I would like to know more." "Perhaps, next week." "Tonight." "We will try, if Kumasa is willing." "Oh, I wouldn't miss it." "After her performance, then." "Agreed." "Remarkable." "The General will bring the plans?" "What plans?" "Did I not mention?" "Prince Bismarck was most anxious to see your plans for the defense of Paris, as one professional to another." "HAMMERSCHLAG:" "They must not leave my office." "As you say." "Of course, Prince Bismarck may be quite angry." "We, uh..." "We shall see." "Excellent, excellent." "I'll see the General to the door." "Why did you have to make me a mute?" "So you hate my French accent." "What do you think she's talking to him about?" "Selling us out maybe." "Maybe not." "Who knows?" "It's a cinch I don't." "And what's wrong with my eyes?" "They're beautiful, Colonel." "Beautiful!" "Forget it." "* Darling, je vous aime beaucoup *" "* Je ne sais pas what to do *" "* You know you've completely stolen mon coeur *" "* Morning, noon and nighttime, too *" "* Toujours wondering what to do *" "* Darling, je vous aime beaucoup *" "* I love you, yes, I do *" "* Dear, you know my love for you is très, trs fort *" "* I wish my French were good enough *" "* I'd tell you so much more" "* But I hope that you'll compris all the things you mean to me *" "* Darling, je vous aime beaucoup *" "* I love you *" "* I love you *" "* I love you, yes, I do." "( applause )" "She's just finishing." "We got our signals straight?" "I got the dummy plans right here." "When we make the switch during the seance," "I'll pass the real plans out through the dressing room window to Dubois." "Oui." "Then I take them on my bicycle to where we are going to microfilm them." "And then I bring them back here-- not more than ten minutes, huh?" "Then we switch them back again, and that's it." "Sound all right to you, Kinch?" "It's going to be fine, Colonel, just fine." "I believe it." "I really believe it." "And what about the woman?" "( sighs )" "I wish you hadn't brought that up." "Enter, General." "Enter." "The spirit world is alive tonight." "We shall have excellent communication." "Good." "Come." "Where?" "To my office." "The plans are still in my safe." "Uh, but, uh..." "But, General, the spiritual vibrations here..." "They will vibrate just as well elsewhere." "My staff car is waiting." "We shall go." "Excellent." "Ah!" "We're in luck, Schultz." "Are you sure, Herr Kommandant?" "General Hammerschlag's car." "He's a friend, an old friend." "He'll straighten things out in no time." "Oh, that would be very nice." "( bell tinkling )" "General Hammerschlag." "General Hammerschlag, Colonel Wilhelm Klink." "Do you remember me in the war college?" "When I was a Colonel and the General was a First Lieutenant?" "No, I do not." "Oh, of course, I understand completely," "General Hammerschlag." "I mean, a man of your responsibilities." "If I were in your position," "I wouldn't remember me either." "Good." "There's nothing else?" "No, nothing, nothing at all, except that a slight problem has arisen over my being chosen German Soldier of the Month." "You?" "In recognition of my work as commandant of Stalag 13." "The keeper of a jail is now German Soldier of the Month?" "It does seem ridiculous, doesn't it?" "What are we coming to?" "Oh, it's wonderful to see the General again, just wonderful." "The General straighten out the difficulty?" "He was jealous of me, Schultz." "Always jealous." "That's the mark of a small man." "You will make yourselves comfortable." "I will get the plans." "Any sign of Dubois?" "He'll be here." "It's going to take longer to get the stuff microfilmed from here." "You cats amaze me." "You really do." "You stand here talking about this thing like you're actually going to pull it off." "Keep the faith, baby." "Something wrong?" "Oh, nothing." "It's just impossible." "How do you know I haven't sold you out already?" "That has occurred to us." "And what's in it for you?" "Money?" "Medals?" "Oh, they're going to give you the key to the city if you ever get back to Detroit?" "I doubt that rather strongly." "Then why?" "Colonel, is that guy coming back yet?" "I'll let you know." "I'm a mute anyway." "Okay, we've just got time for the short course." "Most people go through life kind of semi-embalmed." "I don't know." "Maybe they like it." "But you're in a spot now where you got to take a position." "Either you turn us in or join up." "Now, you don't understand us." "That's not necessary for now." "Hammerschlag, you can understand..." "real good." "So you just ask yourself a question:" "Do you want to spend the rest of your life in a Hammerschlag kind of world?" "He's coming." "Keep the faith, baby." "Here?" "No." "You will sit here." "You here." "Please lower the lights." "And the window must be open exactly four inches." "You will watch the mute closely, General." "Under my guidance, he will return to what he was before reincarnation-- an American of the last century." "A man who talks freely with the shade of the great Bismarck." "You will watch my hands." "You will shut out everything but my hands." "My hands are commanding your eyes to close." "When you awake, you will see no one." "You will be free to talk to your friend." "Otto?" "You will prepare yourself." "The entry of the prince is sometimes violent." "Otto!" "What, Otto?" "Otto, you old horse thief." "He is here?" "Yes." "Now they will talk." "No." "Really?" "What are they talking about?" "Family." "Friends." "The weather." "Who knows?" "Ah." "HOGAN:" "What do you think of the war?" "( laughs )" "Incompetent." "I agree." "Thoroughly incompetent." "He's not fit to command a platoon." "I agree." "Who are they talking about?" "Their favorite subject." "The man's even a bad paperhanger." "Not the Fuhrer?" "They talk of him by the hour." "But, in my office, we have a listening device." "You must... you must stop them." "One cannot control the spirits." "HOGAN:" "And the Generals who go along with him?" "Toads." "Toads-- all of them." "What would you do in their position?" "Take 'em out and shoot 'em?" "Stalingrad-- classic bit of bungling." "Classic." "Over half an hour, they have been maligning the Fuhrer." "This cannot go on." "You must do something." "Otto, as..." "Yeah, let's change the subject." "Do you think they can hold on to Paris, Otto?" "Could you possibly suggest that the prince look at my plan?" "I think he is doing it now." "HOGAN:" "You think what, Otto?" "You think that's a plan?" "You wouldn't change an item?" "It'll never work." "Never!" "I don't care if you were chancellor of Germany." "What have you done recently?" "What did you call me, Otto?" "What?" "!" "All right, put 'em up, Otto!" "You are awake." "KUMASA:" "You will return." "Guard them well, General." "Apparently, they are most valuable." "Thank you." "Um..." "I would check them, General, before I put them into the safe." "That was my intention." "Remarkable." "That Bismarck would talk to him." "Why wouldn't he talk to me?" "Dubois get away all right?" "Yeah, I guess he got away." "All right..." "I'll go back and talk to Otto." "( knocking ) Yes, come in, come in, come in." "Just stopped in to welcome you back, sir." "That's very kind of you, Hogan." "Dismissed." "Just between you and me, Commandant, how was Paris?" "All they say it is?" "Hogan, dismissed." "You can tell me, Commandant." "I bet you cut a wide swath." "Good-looking German colonel, single, and Soldier of the Month?" "Wow." "Hogan..." "Just one little incident to bring back to the men, sir." "You know they've all been putting themselves in the place of their commandant prowling the streets of Paris." "Well, for a man in my position, there were opportunities, of course." "Start with your arrival at the club, sir." "The showgirls pouring out in the street-- like that?" "There were a few-- four or five." "Or eight." "Later there were more." "Wow!" "And then..." "Colonel Hogan!" "Excuse me, Herr Kommandant." "I told Colonel Hogan not to disturb you after the miserable time you had in Paris." "I told him!" "Well, I guess I'll be going along, Commandant." "Hogan!" "Schultz, give Hogan three days in the cooler." "And put yourself in with him." "But what did I do?" "Out!" "Showed up at the wrong time, Schultz." "I'd have given you a month." "Out!" ""(End of Episode)""