"Nothing personal, branchy." "T-i-i-i-im-- huh?" "[ Gasps ]" "Ber." "Brr!" "Tim!" "Ber!" "[ Flesh squishes ]" "[ Ice shatters ]" "You're safe." "[ Sighs ]" "You're all safe... [echoing] from tree crime!" "Susie:" "What a gorgeous day." "It's nice to get out of the marshals office every once in a while." "Chris: [ Scoffs ] Outdoors." "I hate this place." "Give Chris Monsanto a hot rag and a cold potato and call it a night." "That's living." "[ Coughs, spits ]" "Brett:" "Ha, you said it, Chris." "Look at these dumb trees." "They're like the Starbucks of the forest." "What's next?" "They build a tree inside of another tree?" "[ Laughs ]" "Chris:" "Brett, do me a favor and try swallowing your tongue, would you?" "Brett:" "Okay." "[ Gulps ]" "Susie:" "I hate the people in my life." "Marshals!" "Thank mercy you finally got here-- and not a moment too soon." "Name's Rucker." "I'm head logger on this development." "Chris:" "Well, Mr. Rucker, I'm marshal Chris Monsanto and I have to tell you, I think you're doing the lord's work here chopping down these sap-soaked eyesores." "They're really nothing but needle parks for birds, am I right?" "[ Coughs, spits ]" "I like the way you spit at things, marshal." "Chris:" "Well." "Another one of our men disappeared last yesterday -- third one this month." "Chris:" "Now, who would be targeting loggers?" "We know exactly who." "Darius and his gang." "Chris: [ Groans ] Hippies." "Okay, Brett, Susie, follow me." "We're about to turn Woodstock..." "[ Shotgun cocks ] ...into Woodstock '99." "Marshals!" "Thank mercy you're here, and not a moment too soo-- [ Gunshot ]" "Chris:" "Okay, show's over, Patchoulia Stiles." "Time to pack up your stink and get out of here." "But they're the ones terrorizing us." "Chris:" "You got about three seconds before I hack your sack, Jack." "The woods are a holy place, marshal Monsanto." "A sanctuary where one can revel in the beauty of nature." "We mean no harm." "We only wish to make and sell our crafts." "They're made entirely from the fruits of the forest -- handcrafted beads, a back scratcher, or this bearded purse." "Susie:" "Are these crafts sustainable?" "We hope so." "Susie:" "Well, I think that's just great." "Chris, maybe we shouldn't be so quick to judge." "I'll take one back scratcher, please." "Cash only." "Chris:" "Okay, fine." "But tomorrow is doze day and come hemp or bong water, these trees are all coming down." "We're gonna be patrolling this area tonight, so you might want to avoid it." "Now, if you'll excuse..." "[ Shotgun cocks ]" "[ Gunshots ]" "You can stop that now." "Brett:" "Mm." "Thanks, buddy." "Susie:" "I'm worried about Brett." "His shift has been over for a while now." "The lion is hungry, say Msabu." "God is happy." "He plays with us." "Chris:" "Yeah, okay, whatever you say there, Msabu." "Hey, Susie, great job on these diversity hires." "Brett:" "Hey, guys!" "Susie:" "Where have you been?" "Brett:" "Well, don't tell anybody this, but while I was out on patrol, I "marked my territory."" "My territory is my pants." "Chris:" "Okay, uh..." "look, Brett, why don't you give Msabu here a break?" "The lady needs a few more "rinse and repeats."" "Her hair is filthy." "Marshal Chris!" "Beware of the woods." "She get her hook in you, she keep you." "Chris:" "Okay, well, thank you for that, Msabu." "Susie, do me a favor and try not to trick Msabu into getting you pregnant?" "[ Clicks tongue ]" "Susie:" "Get mauled!" "Chris:" "Hello?" "Anybody here?" "[ Groans ]" ""Holy place," my ass." "[ Sighs ]" "[ Echoing ] A sanctuary where one can revel in the beauty of nature." "Chris:" "Ohh." "A sanctuary..." "Chris:" "Sanctuary..." "Beauty..." "Chris:" "Beauty..." "Nature..." "Chris:" "Nature...[ Moaning ]" "Ow!" "Come on!" "Come on!" "Oh, okay." "[ Chuckles ]" "Ohh!" "Ohh!" "[ Snorts ]" "Aah!" "Aah!" "Aah!" "Wha.." "Okay, well, obviously I, uh " " I just fell asleep next to this filthy, disgusting tree here." "[ Chuckling ] That's all that happened." "Aah!" "Aah!" "All: [ Chanting ] Save our woods!" "Save our woods!" "Save our woods!" "Where's your boy Monsanto?" "I'm losing valuable dozing time, and dozing time is dozing money." "Susie:" "He'll be here." "You will not knock down our sacred trees." "[ Gunshot ]" "Chris:" "Okay, pop a sock in it, country Joe." "Otherwise you're all gonna be following the dead." "And by dead, of course, I'm not talking about the band, although certain members of the band possibly, but not -- [ owl hoots ]" "Aah!" "[ Gunshot ]" "Geez!" "Chris:" "Okay, come on." "Doze it." "Doze it!" "[ Engine turns over ]" "No, wait!" "[ Brakes squeal ]" "It's a forest miracle." "What the hell are you doing, marshal?" "Chris:" "Well, I was just thinking, Ruck, that, uh, maybe we should leave that tree standing." "Maybe we can make it into, like, a tourist attraction, and then, you know, families could come and -- and pay money to -- to urinate on that filthy, disgusting bastard tree." "Oh, but, marshal, that there is a special tree." "We call that one "old Gary."" "It's the oldest tree in this here woods." "We just got to cuts it down." "Chris:" "Or maybe we leaves it up." "You ain't going softie on us, are you, marshal?" "We...are...cutting'..down..." "Old Gary." "Chris: [ Grunts ]" "[ Motor revs ]" "Aah!" "Aaaaaah!" "My dozing' arm!" "It should have been you!" "Aah!" "Aah!" "A back scratcher." "Susie:" "I'll take one back scratcher, please." "[ Echoing ] Sustainable." "Those goods weren't fruits of the forest." "You make me sick!" "No refunds." "Doze it, boys!" "[ Engine turns over ]" "Stop!" "[ Brakes squeal ]" "You cannot cut this tree down!" "Why?" "Because... she's pregnant." "Somebody [Bleep] old Gary." "Who could have done this?" "It was me." "I admit it." "I made love to that tree." "Chris:" "But..." "I did, too." "Damn it to hell, I did, too." "It's my secret shame." "Chris: [ Exhales sharply ]" "You whore!" "[ Engine turns over ]" "Oh, no!" "No, I'm sorry!" "I'm sorry!" "Oh, what's happening?" "She's breeching!" "That baby's gonna die." "Chris:" "It's not." "Out of my way!" "[ Grunting ]" "Come on!" "Come on!" "God!" "Come on!" "One more!" "[ Grunts ]" "Ah!" "Oh." "[ Breathing rapidly ]" "Oh!" "Oh." "Susie:" "Chris, you did it!" "You saved this...thing." "Is that why we're here?" "I don't even know anymore." "Brett:" "Old Gary was a lady tree?" "That baby's gonna be a whore, just like her mama." "Chris:" "You shut your mouth!" "I ain't raising no devil's child of many fathers." "Chris:" "Well, it don't need you." "Darius?" "Guys?" "Um..." "I got a lot going on right now." "Chris:" "Oh, okay." "That's how it is, huh?" "Well, what happened to all that talk about the beauty of nature?" "Nothing beautiful about weird tree baby." "Chris:" "Okay, fine." "Well, you know something?" "We don't need any of you!" "I don't care who the father is." "I've decided to raise it as my own, in these woods." "Now, get out, all of you!" "Out!" "Get out!" "[ Metal squeaking ]" "Leave us alone." "The marshal worked for weeks, building what remained of old Gary into a home for him and the child." "He knew they were no longer welcome in the world of man." "Chris: [ Chuckles ]" "The child grew, and the marshal tried to love it..." "Chris: [ Laughs ] ...though he could never know if it was truly his own." "As is the way, the child matured, and the marshal knew it was time for it to start out on its own." "They were never to see each other again." "[ Door creaks ]" "Years passed, then centuries." "Outside the forest, the world of man found new ways to end itself, with war and suffering, until nothing remained." "The cabin began to crumble, the woods crept in, reclaiming it for nature, but this mattered not to the marshal... for the marshal was home."