"My brothers and I grew up in the '70s in Montana." "Everyone called it the big sky country." "It seemed anything could happen there." "And anything did." "My dad, Loren, was a doctor." "My mom, Carol, was a schoolteacher." "They adopted my older brother Marc because they thought they couldn't have children." "The day they picked him up was probably the day they conceived me." "Hormones are sometimes unpredictable that way." "A year later, along came another surprise." "Our younger brother, Todd." "It looks like a fairytale childhood, but appearances can be deceiving." "After high school, I left for San Francisco." "Then New York." "I'd never stopped loving my home, but I never really returned." "I thought I'd put my past behind me, but twenty years later," "I decided to go back for my high school reunion." "My brother Marc was in the same grade as me, so he was going to be at the reunion, too." "I was nervous about seeing my classmates, but I was more nervous about seeing Marc." "We'd been estranged for more than a decade." "Kim is here this week from New York for the class reunion." "Marc comes in tonight." "Two more come in today around midnight." "And so it's wild and crazy." "It wasn't too shabby, that little plane." "Good." "Compared to the big ones, you know, it does ride a little rougher." "Mom and I were walking on eggshells around Marc." "We always did." "It was going to be the longest Marc and I would spend together in years." "Marc, show me your scar." " What scar, this thing?" " Yeah." "Well, you can't see it all yet, but it's getting worse." "Badge of honor." " It's getting worse." " Badge of honor." "The rest of that hair goes, you'll see." "We'd had a rough time being siblings the first time around." "Marc was held back in preschool, putting us in the same class." "So he always felt a lot of competition with me." "But I was hoping this was our chance to start over." "Everybody ready to go?" "Banana bread, anyone?" "I feel like we need to do something to commemorate our departure." "I love Montana." "Montana is awesome." "My beautiful wife doesn't like Montana." "I had a horrible accident when I was young in Las Vegas and rolled my truck." "And then I had part of my brain removed." "So it's been a tough one." " Yeah." " Yeah." "I'm sorry to interrupt, Marc, but here's Turtle Rock, your lovely turtle rock." "I was born in Tacoma, Washington." "Dr. Loren E. Mckarrow chose me, and they brought me home, and then..." "Paul was born." "Paul, who is now Kim." "My dad had passed away two years earlier." "He was the bedrock of our family, and we missed him." "He had known about my transition for years, and it amazed me how easily he accepted me." "But it was on the day dad died that Marc found out I would be his sister." "We were on our way to the farm our great-grandfather homesteaded." "It's where dad grew up, and his two brothers still live there." "And there was a big, huge grain elevator that was built by my dad and his brothers." "In one summer." "You know they built that in one summer?" " Yeah." " It's incredible." "Yeah, that's where it all goes back to." " What'd you say, Marc?" " Yeah." "Going back to the farm." "Hey!" "Good to see you!" "Somebody's got it." "We're missing somebody?" " Hi, Marc." " Hello." "Wasn't surprised that you were coming." "Hi, darling." "So good to see you." "Marc, what do you think?" "That's the way to go." "What do you think is the front?" "The one with the bow?" "I'd definitely keep the bow in front." " The bow in front?" " Yeah." " You think?" " Gotta have it in front." "You're so concerned about my bow." "I need that cowboy hat." "I think that's another Mckarrow trait," " Is the little, tiny..." " Grab that cowboy hat there." "Oh, that's me." "Ooh, that's dusty." "That... that's the real me." "Mm-hmm." "It hangs up on your visor." "Oh." "Oh no, this is for money." "Meter money and your pencils and receipts and sunglasses and coins." "Just found that today." " One word for ya... plastics." " Yep." "What were you playing?" "I do not know." "I was just playing whatever my lovely fingers play." "That's the thing I don't understand." "It's just something that..." "I don't know where it came from." "It's another reason i want to research the family a little bit more." "Bye." "My hometown had heard about my transition a while ago." "Just before my dad's funeral, my mom had a tea party and broke the news to her closest friends, then asked them to spread the word." "Mom kept saying that my dad had died but I was being reborn." "So my classmates had heard about me, but this was going to be the first time most of them would actually see me." "We're going to a barbeque, and everybody's gonna be there." "And there's already like 14 trucks parked outside." "And there's a budweiser..." "She's wigging out!" "I'm wigging, kinda." "I'm a little bit nervous." "This party is at Kevin Bartsch's house." "Kevin Bartsch was the co-captain of the football team with yours truly." ""Paul Mckerrow!" ""Let's run down the bengal offense for you." ""They're led by senior quarterback Paul Mckerrow," ""who wears number 7 in the backfield." ""Mckerrow's throwing the ball right on the button." ""I'm pretty impressed with his throwing arm tonight and his accuracy." ""Mckerrow's passed to 56..." ""So far what I've seen of Mckerrow," ""this quarterback for Helena High," ""he is a darn good one," ""and I wouldn't be surprised a bit" ""if he went to a major college." "Twenty years ago, they'd voted me most likely to succeed." "Now I was just hoping they wouldn't laugh at me." "Hey, John!" "Hey, Kim." "How are you?" "You have to come all the way to Montana to see me?" " How are you?" " Nice to see you." " Is that Gina?" " That's Gina." "Hi, Gina, how are you?" " Good, how are you?" " It's good to see you." "I'm nervous." "I need a beer." "I have doubles at home anyway." "What is it?" "What is that picture?" "A picture of her and I at a dance freshmen in high school." "Yeah, put your arm around me." "All the girls that..." "like, Anna and Cindy and... they were all upset because he asked me and not them 'cause they all had crushes on him." "Cheers!" " I don't recognize you, that's for sure." " She remembers you." " You do?" " Not me." " Do you know who I am?" " Oh, yes." "Yes, I do." "Does anybody in this city not know who I am by now?" "Does anybody in this city not know who I am?" "I so need to move." " Everybody knows who you are." " Your name is Nanc..." "Chris, Marc!" "Chris!" "Chris Welles." "Jesus!" "Pullman!" "Pullman!" "Chris Pullman." "Give me a break, though." "I got a head injury." " Have you seen our annual?" " No." " I'll bring it tomorrow." " I would love to see that." "Oh, God." "It took me years to get her to show me old photos." "She was just like, "No, no, that's the past." ""It's a part of my life that I don't want to be in touch with anymore."" "The cop, when he pulled us over... and you don't remember this..." "he says, "I clocked you at 105, and I shut the radar off at 105, and you guys blew by me at 120."" "I kid you not, 120." "Actually, I had never seen a keg in real life until tonight." "I was a mormon." "I escaped." "I recovered." "Yeah, in fact... sure." "I don't know, is it cool to sit on the cars?" "I can understand her being nervous, because it is Montana." "Compared to New York, I'm sure we're like Hickville." "Maybe she was anticipating more adverse reaction?" "I don't know, but I haven't felt that or heard anybody even say anything like that." "I said, "Yeah, I had a dream we were all partying at your house, and we were all fat, bald, and old, and you were a girl!"" "I mean, all of us have changed, and all of us are different and maybe not what we thought we would be." "I didn't quit mine." " I had to do the bankruptcy scene." " Well, that's..." "I don't know if you guys heard about that, but..." "I think you were getting..." "starting in on that the last time we saw you." "That wasn't fun." "No, not at all." "Hopefully that day'll come when they get this brain straightened out enough, and get the right medications to where I can get back to work." " So..." " Yeah." "The two main things I remember about Marc MckErrow... one night I went out with him partying very hard," "and he may or may not have had relations with a young woman on my mother's couch." "So that's number one." "Number two is I sold him my car shortly around the end of high school, and he never paid me for it and he blew up the engine." "And then I had to take him to small claims court, and he never showed up." "But, again, really nice guy." "And, you know," "I didn't know she was a woman driver at the time, but her actions should have tipped me off, because we come up to this intersection, and it's glare ice, and the light turns red, and Paul keeps going." "And cars are just, like, sliding into this, and we're all holding on for dear life, and it all's over, and everybody's like, "Ahh... "" "and I said, "Well, that was a tremendous example of defensive driving on the part of everybody else."" "How can you be a male, and now you're a female, but yet you like females?" "You know who you are as a woman, and you identify as a woman, right?" "You can accept the fact that maybe..." "I mean, you even said, earlier tonight, you said you wish you could be a lesbian, right?" " So you can conceive of..." " I really do." "With a little bit of shock therapy," "I think we can make that happen." " I'm so kidding." " I really couldn't." " I'ms so kidding." " I really couldn't." " I wish I could." " That's such a bad joke." "I could as far as, like, mentally, but not as far as physically." "I still don't get the difference between being homosexual, gay, lesbian... whatever the words are..." "and transgender." "When you look in the mirror, what do you see?" " Do you see a woman?" " Yeah." "Okay." "What are you attracted to?" "Men." " Okay..." " It's that simple." "Switch those up." " It's that simple." " You know?" "What if you looked in the mirror and you saw the wrong thing, and you were still attracted to men?" ""Words..." "Paul Mckerrow, the real man!"" "Oh, man, that's funny, because I always remembered that as a question mark, but it's an exclamation point." " Hmm!" "Somebody was a little confused." " Okay." "Being back in Helena reminded me how conflicted I used to be about my gender." "If being masculine meant throwing a football," "I was going to throw the perfect spiral." "I thought that would fix me and that it would prove to me and to everyone else I was normal." "So we're on about the 10-yard line, 20-yard line." "My first kiss was on the bleachers inside the gym there." "I was having so many problems trying to figure out my gender that I would find all of these ways to kind of foist the decision of whether or not I was gonna be a female onto something else, and I always used to have these games" "that I would play, stuff like if you don't run to that sign in ten seconds, then you have to be a girl tonight." "So I'd always run just slow enough so I'd have to be a girl." ""Oh, I have to be a girl tonight."" "Ridiculous." "You know, I shut a lot of this out." "Guess I'm here to bring it back somehow." "I don't need to relive my high school football games, but, you know, it's a shame that I just had to forget half of my life." "Since my transition, I'd just wanted to pass, to fit in and disappear." "And I'd done that." "I was a magazine editor in New York, but none of my friends knew about my life in Helena." "So actually talking about being transgender was really new to me." "I just remember the good old times." "And the kegger times and the fun times and the... remembering my El Camino and my Camaro and..." "You... you have a lot of car stories." "I was a mad man." "I was... yeah." " I was the party animal." " I know." "You were doing that, like, long before I was." "I used to do keggers big-time." "You weren't near as much into those as I was." " That's 'cause I was a dork." " No, you weren't no dork." "You just weren't as much in..." "You were a sport fanatic, buddy." "Well, I was a bit of a dork, too." "I loved sports, too, was the problem." "I just didn't put my concentration on 'em." "That was the problem, and I had something there that kept me from being what I could have been." "No, I don't..." "I get really tense." "I can't play with people." "It's real hard, I..." " Would you rather I go in the other room?" " Huh?" "Would you rather I go in the other room?" "No, it's just such a..." "I don't know what it is." "When I know people are listening, it's just..." "It's a good song." "Marc!" "Ah!" "Get too tensed up when I have people watching." "I can't play." "I get..." "Oh, I know." "I just... it's hard." "Marc crashed his car when he was 21, but he recovered quickly." "Then five years later, he suddenly started getting seizures." "He had surgery after surgery." "His mood swings got worse." "He started on serious medications." "His short-term memory began to fade, and he started clinging to the past more than ever." "But I wasn't there for any of that." "I was changing myself." "So much had changed in the decade we'd spent apart," "I'd hoped we could reinvent our relationship, but over the next few days," "I began to see how some things were just the same or even worse." "I spoiled myself... rotten by continuing to think all I had to do was say, "Dad!"" "I was the first kid in the family, and then boom, 11 months later..." "Here comes somebody else." "And, boom, a year later, here comes Todd." "But I was actually the first kid." "That's why I felt like I was the number one." "But then here comes preschool, and they say," ""Marc, you're too hyperactive!" ""Slow down!" "We're gonna keep you in preschool one more year."" ""What!" "?" "Preschool?"" "And then, boom, guess who's in preschool with me?" "They put him, this one, in preschool with me at the... so I had to grow up next to that one all my life." "And this one was taking all the top-notch stuff in school." "And I..." "I... so my brain was saying, holy Sheisty Von-don, man." "Do you recollect prior to the injury how hard school was for me?" "I know, Marc." "'Cause here I was taking all the basic shit, and, you know, I got a brother that's taking all the major shit." "So I had to hide that." "That hurt the fuck..." "excuse my language, but I was still able to keep popularity." " Get your pill out now, and take the..." " I'm okay!" "No, Marc, you're getting..." "you're getting wound up." "Would you quit thinking I'm..." " Well, you are getting wound up." " No, I'm not!" "I had a severe injury, and I had a very harsh part of my brain removed." "And I..." "I am on beaucoup medication." "So harsh behavioral transactions do take place that I have no control over when it takes place." "It is not the real me." "You gotta look at the reality of I have... a big part of my head missing!" "The other part of it is is when I was 21 years old," "I about died, and went off of a blazer that went "Boom"!" "and I'm lucky to be alive!" "?" "Do you want me to call the neurologi..." " I know, Mark." " ... the neurologist surgeon?" "In Seattle?" "Want me to take you there so they pull out the stuff and show you my brain?" "!" "That half of it's missing?" "Huh?" " Marc, I know." " To show you the truth?" "Marc..." "Since you don't want to believe it?" "Come on, Claire, please." "Claire, please." "Come on." "I couldn't believe how bad Marc had gotten." "I thought I'd return for the reunion, but it was going to be much more complicated." "It's just day and night." "It's very puzzling." "It's very exhausting." "Marc feels very badly after it's over." "The seizures were bad, so he had surgery, and there were two of those to remove the scar tissue that was causing the seizures." "The seizures got better, but the mood swings increased." "See, I..." "Loren was the detail person." "And I... the less I knew about what they were doing..." "I didn't need to know all the details." "There's just always been something about Kim that has been threatening." "Marc was wondering, "Why don't I hear from Paul?"" "And that was very difficult for me." "I was, you know... using every reason in the book." "So that was difficult, those years that he wasn't hearing from Paul." "But I do know that Marc would give anything in the world if... if they could be on a good... on a good... string." "Claire was flying back home to New York, back to our apartment, our dogs, our stability." "I felt compelled to stay around for a few extra days." "Mom and I had been talking about buying a cabin together, and we needed to sort out the details." "Of course I get a hug." "You can't not give me a hug." "Oh..." "Good to see you." "Good to meet you." "You too." "It was a pleasure." " And good luck in everything you do." " Thank you." "I'm the one that needs major luck too, though, with this bizarre head of mine." "I can't give you enough thankfulness for being by my side for the unbelievable negativity that you saw." "Well, it's really big of you to apologize." "It tears me up that you guys went through it." "'Cause I'm not that kind of person." "I'm glad to hear that." "I can say god bless to the beautiful wife and family I got." "And I just want you both to know that I appreciate everything that you have done, and I appreciate you being here for me, and I love you both intensely, and I am sorry immensely." "And I give you everything in the world for being by my side and loving me for who and what I am." "Just try to hold on to that positive attitude." "It'll get you far." " I will." "And you take care." " I will." " And God bless you." " Carol." " So glad you came." "I'm so glad you came, my dear." "Oh, you're so welcome." "You're so welcome." "See you in a few days?" "You protected me, too." "Scandalous." "Scandalous." "Scandalous." "Marc was also heading home later that afternoon." "It was a relief to see him go." "I'd reconnected with my classmates, and it seemed like I might even be able to feel welcome in Montana again." "But that wouldn't happen until I made peace with Marc." "I just wanted us to be able to move on, but before I knew it, we'd ended up exactly as we used to be." "There's still part of me..." "like, I feel so guilty that I'm not talking to him all the time and supporting him like you do, like, you know, the rest of the family does." "Do you think I should?" "Well, I hope you will now because I think that he thinks things are gonna be better now." " You mean after the reunion?" " Mm-hmm." "I tried to work out just where things were going wrong." "It felt like Marc would have given anything to be the man I'd have given anything not to be." "We were both haunted by the same ghost." "I had no idea how to solve it." "I wondered whether I should just handle it like our younger brother, Todd." "He had escaped to a life as an architect in san diego and barely spoke to Marc." "It's Claire." "The gay ring." "Todd's my buddy." "He came out as gay before I transitioned, and for a few years, we were the only ones who knew each other's secrets." "What?" "Here, tell Claire what you won last night." "Hey, guess what I won?" "I won the comedy central thing for work." "I'm the fun... one of the funniest guys at work, ha ha ha ha." "This is funny." "So that's Marc, and that's me, and that's my cousin." "And we would always put on plays for everybody, for the family." "And Susan always wanted to have a younger sister, 'cause she never had one." "So she would always make me play the younger sister, and Marc was always the dad." "You know, with that stuff, I always used to feel left out." "Why?" "I just..." "I was never involved in any of that stuff." " You were too butch." " I was too butch, yeah." " You didn't want to put on a dress." " I didn't." "I didn't either, but she always made me." "You got stuck with it." "Um, you know what, is even at that age, the re..." "I was..." "I don't know if I've ever told you this." "I thought that if I touched women's clothing," "I would turn into a girl, so I was afraid..." " like, that..." " You would turn into a girl?" " Yeah." " Why?" "At that age, I was more..." "It's weird." "Wow, you must have touched a lot of..." "I know." "When we were kids, Todd, Marc, and I always made films." "There was never any question who was going to be the star." "Marc always took the limelight." "He would try on any identity he could." "For several years, Marc had been trying to track down his birth parents through the adoption agency." "The other two in the family, they knew where they came from." "I didn't." "There was always that side of me, wondering, "Where's my blood?"" ""Where'd it come from?"" "My body, heart, and soul said I wanna know everything about me." "Imagine finding out after 38 years your family tree is recognizable to just about every classic movie fan." "Rosebud..." ""Imagine how surprised you'd be to find out that movie stars Rita Hayworth and Orson Welles are your birth grandparents." "Oh, it's unbelievable knowing... finding out the truth of where I originally came from, um... and what I was a part of is astonishing." ""Marc's birth mother, Rebecca Welles, was the daughter of Orson Welles and Rita Hayworth, who were married from 1943 to 1948." "He learned that, and other things about his birth mother rebecca, and they began communicating by mail." "Just before the two were to be reunited, Marc got a call." "His wife, Debbie." "He called me on the cell phone when I was at school and told me... that she died, and then that also, you know," "Orson Welles and Rita Hayworth were his grandparents, and I was like, "oh, my Gosh," you know?" "It's so fulfilling for him." "Finding out about who he was means more to him that we'll ever understand." "If you think about it, the last two years, with the dad dying, with finding out about Kim, finding out about your birth mom dying, and finding out about your heritage being famous people," "I mean, all these emotions." "I'm sure his head is just busy all the time." "He was invited to the funeral, which is where he learned the news about Orson, the boy genius, and Rita, the sex goddess." "The first time Marc saw his birth mother, she was in a casket." "News of Marc's existence began to spread through the Welles family." "He received a call from Oja Kodar," "Orson's co-writer, muse, and lover for the last two decades of his life." ""Her name..." ""is Oja." ""Many other ladies flitted across the front pages" ""and our cameras never got close to them," ""but Oja Kodar was something else." "They weren't officially married, but they were soul mates for 25 years." "Oja wanted to fly him and his family to Croatia to meet her and to learn about his grandfather." "It had only been a month since the reunion." "She just says we really would give anything in the world to have you come out and meet you and your wife, and we can't wait to see you." "He'd also been invited to be in a documentary about Orson's unseen work." "It was going to be a big trip because he'd never even left the country before." "Oh, my goodness." "Home sweet home, huh?" "So Marc asked me to come along for moral support." "It was just as well, because I would have pushed for it if he hadn't." "I'd been a big fan of Orson Welles for years." "How you doing?" "Good to see you." "My brother had always envied my genes." "Now I envied his." " Hello." "Debbie?" " Yes." "Hi, Debbie." "I am Oja, hi." "Nice to meet you." "Come on in." "Marc's on the deck." "This must be Kelsie." "You are Kelsie?" " Hi, sweetheart." " Hi." "Oh, my goodness." "Welcome to Croatia." "Hello, America." "Hi." "I'm Sasha." "Hello." "The one I've been waiting for all my life." "I don't know about that, but, hi." "Nice to see you." "Good to see you." "Oh, my goodness." "Yes, exactly." " Oh, my goodness." " Debbie?" "No?" "No, I'm Kim." "Ah, you are Kim." "Hi, Kim." "It's a pleasure to meet you." "Thank you for everything you're doing for my brother." "Yeah, well, um, I organized a lunch." "It's astonishing seeing you." "Yeah." "Sorry I'm keeping my glasses on." "It means... it means..." "it means the world to me." " That's very sweet." " Inside and out." "Thank you." "I organized a lunch for us, for all of us." "Okay, are you hungry?" "Yes, you are." "We're more than ready." "Yeah, good, let's go." "I..." "I can say he looks like Orson." "Yes." "Yeah, he has a little twinkle in his eyes like he's..." "You know that at one time, we were contemplating adopting a little boy from Brazil." "It brings a tear to my eyes." "He wanted so much to have a boy." "And not knowing you is just a crime." "It's a crime to you and to your mother and to everybody." "I'm so sorry." "God bless you." "So sorry." "I love you." "You're loved." "I love you." "I'm happy to know you." "Oh, God bless you." "Accepted." " We're together now." " Yes." "That's what counts." "Right?" "Yes." "Right here and now." "Yes." "You know it." "Okay!" "Yee-ha!" "Good job!" "Beautiful!" "I'd never seen Marc this happy." "Now he had an identity that wasn't built in opposition to me." "That seemed to liberate him." "I hoped it would liberate me." "Marc was the one person who wouldn't let me forget my past." "My transgender friends didn't talk at all about their previous lives." "Some had even burned all of their early photos." "So I thought if Marc could let go of who I used to be and embrace his new Welles identity, we could finally lay Paul to rest." "I want to see you try on the vest." " Yeah." " Try it on for us." "My lovely grandpa's shirt." "They passed it on to me." "May not have the height, but I got the body size, I think." "The vest is what he wore in "Dean Martin Show."" "I think it just..." "buttons on the top." "I can't figure out what that is." "Seems like this would button onto the coat or something?" "Oh, maybe that's what it is." "Okay, so just pretend like I'm not here." "That right?" "Should I lower it?" "Yeah, that's about right." "With the new medication that I have," "I haven't been having seizures, and my noggin is starting to recollect." "I'm astonished at the..." "at last," "I'm becoming the person I want to become." "And I'm getting the chance to get out there and do it... and go somewhere in life." "# So if you love me?" "# Then don't take your lips" "# Or your arms" "# Or your love" "# Away" "Hello!" "Welcome to my house." "What is this?" "Oh, this is..." "I..." "Your food?" "Your medicine?" "Your... hello." "Uh, hi." " Just pictures, I'm..." " Pictures?" " Yeah." " What pictures?" "Pictures of, uh... of... of the Mckerrow clan." "Oh, yeah?" "We can look at them later?" "Whenever." "Actually, your grandfather bought these chairs and this table." "This was his working room, and you see the little bit of a chair here." "Oh, yeah, I do." "Stay like that." "Okay..." "The briefness of..." "He wants to hear from when you found out and that point forward." "Like, just since you've found out." "Okay, Marc, here, tell us what's happened after you discover that you are son of Rebecca Welles." "With my son?" "No." "When you discover that you are son of Rebecca Welles." "Um... it's..." "I think he wants to hear, like, when you first got that news, what did you do?" "And then... because, I mean, you just had this news out of nowhere." "And I think that's the part of the story he's looking for." "What she told you?" "Um, it tore her up inside that it had happened the way it did." "And after you got the message that your mother passed away, what's happened?" "Uh, they had a funer..." "the casket." "It was open, and so I was able to see her." "So actually you saw her, for the first time... you saw her dead?" " I did." " Yeah." "I saw her whole... yeah." "And I hugged her and I, uh... it was intense." "Well, you asked me a few minutes about this... engraving on the wall." "This was great-great-granduncle of your grandfather." " Really." " His name was Ives, like your great-grandmother." "Her name was Beatrice Ives." "She was a famous pianist, wonderful pianist." "Do you play?" "Yeah, but I don't know how." " Well, uh..." " I don't know..." "I don't know how to read music." "I don't know chords." "I don't know nothing." "I just sit down and play." "Well, that comes from her." "And I wondered where that came from." "Okay." "Thank you." "Thank you, Marc." "Thanks a lot." "Really, thanks a lot." " Okay." " Yes." "We taking a break or something?" "Well, I guess it's over." " Oh, it's over?" " Yes." "I didn't want it to be over." "That's you, Kelsey." "And that's the parents that raised me." "Here we are." "Marc, Paul, and Todd." "Marc, do you realize how uncomfortable it makes me feel..." "Do you realize how uncomfortable the photos made me feel?" " The what?" " The photos." "Claire has seen one photo of me from high school," " ... and that's 'cause we were at the reunion." " Okay." "Do you see why it makes me uncomfortable?" "Oh, I can understand that." "Yes." "I, um..." "They were laughing at me, Marc." "I guess it's all about..." "what's in my head, in developing a format of my life story of what I went through is why I do it." "I guess that's why my head is..." "Could you tell that story without showing a couple photos that had me in it, too?" "Could you have showed... could you have shown, like, 190 photos instead of 200?" "Would that really change it that much?" "Because you know what, Marc?" "Those ten photo it would change it a tremendous amount for me." "I don't know about you, but the truth is the truth." "And if you can't bring up just a little bit and piece of where she came from and what she was all about, then the truth of the story isn't there." "Because that's the reality of what my life's all about." "And that's the reality of what Kim's life's all about." "She can't say she's always been where she's been." "The first time Marc came over, he had a shoebox full of pictures of his family." "And so he sat there and went through and pointed out all of his different family members and the house he grew up in." "And, you know, that's not a thing a guy does is, you know, show off family photos on a date, you know?" "So I figured there must be something in this guy that I needed to pursue to find out." "You're right, Marc." "I should get over a lot of that stuff." "But at the end of the day, you know, maybe I'm just not big enough to get over it, and you know what?" "The photo thing makes me uncomfortable." "You know, it's no different than Todd going up to somebody and saying, "Hey, guess what?" "I'm gay."" "There isn't anybody in this world that doesn't accept people for who and what they are and where they're at today." "There's... there's a lot of people who don't accept." "I've told people about myself." "They've stood up and walked out of the room, never to talk to me again." "There's one sentence that I can tell people, and they will never want to talk to me again." "It's big news." "Well, that's where you gotta let go of the negative." "When I look at a photo from me from high school," "I don't see myself." "I see someone who was trying really hard to act in a certain way to please other people and have a million different facades and just kind of acting the entire time." "That wasn't me." "I was not comfortable in my skin." "That wasn't me." "I know that." "The truth within you... was hidden." "This is the first time I've ever seen you two talk this long with different opinions." "Yeah, you're right." "And it... and it ending beautifully." "Yeah, I know, usually if we differ at all," " ... it's like..." " Yeah, it starts to get... and so I'm just real excited that you... you guys are able to start to communicate better." "Bye, Marc." "It's about that time." " Love you." " Love you." "It's been a great trip." "It's been great." "Thank you for coming." "Thank you so much." "I really like your new shirt." "Looks good on you." "We're gonna continue on and make this awesome." "We're not gonna give up." "Good." "In my body, heart, and soul, this is gonna be awesome." "We're gonna go to any length." "# Then don't take your lips" "# Or your arms" "# Or your love" "# Away" "It had been a long time since I'd felt this close to Marc." "We'd gotten a fresh start, and it seemed like our new identities might finally mesh." "Marc seemed to forget about Croatia and Orson Welles pretty quickly." "I guess it was too much to take in." "But the experience really lived with me." "The whole photo thing made me realize" "I had to make peace with my past." "And I was hoping that might also mean making peace with Marc." "He had told me I couldn't just erase Paul." "I decided to go back to San Francisco, the last place Paul was seen." "I wanted to visit David and his wife." "He was one of my oldest friends and my tennis partner in high school." "I remember being back in Helena and getting a 12-pack of Henry Weinhard's and coming over to your house." "I thought that was the most exotic beer I had ever seen..." " ... because it was dark." " Oh, yeah." "It's pretty fancy stuff." "I think I said something like," ""There's a big world out there." "You might want to check it out."" "And then when did you come to Berkeley?" "So it was a year after that conversation that I started." "So I got that apartment as a male, but when I left, I was female." "I had changed my name." "I had changed my driver's license and social security and passport and everything." "Checked in as male." "Checked out as female." "I would segregate all of the restaurants." "For example, I would go to Muddy Waters as male, but I would go to Sparky's as female because I had female friends, and I'd been going there for a long time." "This burrito place was male." "Another one a block away was female." "It was crazy living like that." "Super, yeah." "With hot sauce, hot." "During this period of my life, I was a nervous wreck." "I was going through puberty knowing I was going through it." "'Cause you know how awkward and freaked out you are in puberty?" "I knew I was being awkward and freaked out, but I couldn't do anything about it." "So everything I did was overcompensating for everything else." "I was about here, and I'm walking down the street." "And I see the two of you walk out of the Thai house on the corner." "And you say, with your lovely southern accent, you say, "It's cold!"" "And I hear, "It's Paul!"" "And I saw you look at me, and I'm like," "I... maybe he saw me, maybe he didn't." "Kind of made eye contact." "And you did this major duck behind the trees." " Did I duck?" " It was like... it was like a dive, duck, dive, and run." "And getting about here, kind of recognizing." "I wouldn't have been that sure" " ... if you hadn't really, really run away." " Bolted?" " But when I went to your wedding..." " Yeah." "I felt like I was in drag, the entire time." " Oh, yeah." " I did." " 'Cause you were dressed as a groomsman?" " Yes." "My decade in San Francisco had set me free." "I had a new body and a new identity." "I'd even gotten rid of my old last name because I wanted to start over." "I didn't realize I had abandoned Marc." ""Hey, Marc, how you doing?" ""Hey, remember that cabin that mom and I were interested in?" ""Well, we just found out that it's ours if we want it." ""And I really want it." ""So, you know, I'm wondering if..." ""if maybe I could come to Spokane." ""I'd love to see you and Debbie and Kelsey and..." "I'd never been to Marc's home before." "Now seemed like a good time to take that step." "I wanted to see him, and I was gonna drive dad's truck back to Montana." "So this is your..." "where you hang out, huh?" "Uh, yeah." "Well, for now." "It's not on..." "that's not a regular..." "What's the other thing up there?" "That's your Helena bengal shorts." "You might have worn 'em when you were in basketball, or, uh... probably?" "Yeah." "That's a good family picture in that old wooden boat that would have been awesome to have." "And there's a good picture there." "That would have been my official senior picture at graduation." "That's Todd and me." "And that's the farm dad grew up on." "That's you and Todd" "I think you were sitting next to." "I've always wanted a family." "I've always wanted that life." "I love kids." "I love the family." "I just, um... it makes me happy to see where they're at and what they're doing because I see it within myself and what I could have been." "Smile really big." "Scoot in." "Scoot your head in." "Four, three, two..." "Smile!" "All right." "What should we do?" " This'll be really goofy this time." " A funny one." "This'll be really goofy." "Five, four..." "It had been a nice visit." "I was surprised at how sentimental Marc was, and I was really touched." "I was going to leave early the next morning, but Marc wanted to fix the gas gauge on dad's truck, even though it had been broken for years." "Hello, Mckerrows." "Yes." "Well, the gauge is only telling me it's a fourth of a tank when I just filled it up last night." "And how long would that take?" "Marc, what's going on?" "I gotta make sure it works with my schedule." "Okay." "All right." "What are they saying?" " Would you shut the fuck up, and take my fucking car?" " Marc... mom's car." "Get it the f..." "Get the fuck outta here and take that car." " Marc..." " Take the car and get the fuck outta here!" "'Cause I'm gonna get this truck fixed up no matter what." "Take the car!" "So you can get outta here at 5:00 in the morning!" "Take the fucking car!" "You understand me?" "!" "Marc, I want to take the truck." "Fuck you." "You don't need the truck." " Do you know why I need the truck?" " No, you don't." "I need the truck because of the cabin." "And there's a ton of furniture... but there is nothing..." "bullshit." "Do you want to come with us, Kim?" "Yeah, I do." "Stop it, Marc!" "Stop it!" "Marc, please stop." "Just... please." "Just don't." "Marc!" "I swear to God, I'll call the cops if you don't stop it." "Fuckin' pussy." "Please, just don't." "Marc!" "Stop hitting her!" "Just please, don't." "Please, hey..." "Aah!" "When you're a quarterback, you learn that just after you throw a pass, you have to go limp because you're about to get hit." "I drove all night thinking about how Marc and I had been getting so close." "But I felt like I'd lost my brother all over again." "Since Croatia, I'd tried and tried, but now I was gonna be like almost everyone else and disengage." "Part of me wanted to get the first flight back to New York, but we had a family Christmas planned, and I was determined to spend the holidays in Montana." "I arrived in Helena at dawn." "Okay, sweet sweetie." "Mom, who is this woman decorating your tree?" "This is my sweet sister." " My sweet sister Jan." " All the way from Houston." "Hi, darling." "Welcome." "Yeah." "Oh, there he is!" "Hey, Marcus!" "Oh..." "Merry Christmas!" "He made it." "Hello." "Did you send a pill schedule?" "All of 'em on the right-hand side?" "Not that one." "I don't... what's this white one all about?" "What's the white one, he wants to know." "Oh!" "Are you tired, honey?" "It had been uncomfortable around Marc, but I'd only told my mom about what happened at his house, and it seemed like things were going smoothly." "Let's circle up." "But suddenly, Marc attacked Todd." "He went crazy, and I don't know why." "Nobody did anything to aggravate him." "I have a bad back, and you slammed me in the back without me even knowing what the hell's going on." "And then after that, then you grabbed my neck." "Do you remember that?" "You know, there are good ways to be the center of attention." "I don't give a rat's..." "I was popular, and I was more popular than any of these motherfuckers." " Okay, fine." " Way more popular." " Fine." " I was popular!" " I didn't want to turn into a woman!" " Okay!" "I was popular than shit in high school." "Just 'cause I wasn't a quarterback and didn't get straight as and wasn't the president of the student body." "I was more popular than him." "I was good-looking." "I had top-notch chicks." "I did the normal fucking." "Not the pussy eating." "What does that have to do with tonight?" "You know, I..." "there's a woman and a man." " And when you have the good Lord..." " You cut it out." "And you read a Bible... no, you read a bible..." " Cut it out." "When you read a bible..." "Do you believe in the Bible?" "Do you?" "We're talking about Marc going off." "Do you believe in the Bible?" "yes, I do." "Okay, the bible will tell you, as any church will say, there is no such thing as this stuff." "And you don't do it." "It don't go." " Okay, well, these people are..." " And there's no such thing as that stuff, where you suck dick... - ... my friends and family." "All the time and butt fuck." "These people are my friends and... ah!" "Ah!" "Ah!" "Okay, you don't do this in my house." "I have..." "people here." "I have my sister here." "I have friends that have never been in my house before." "I never have a family because they are what they are." "I have people who have never been in my house before." "Pita has never been to my home, and look what sh..." "look what's happening." "Who called?" "I did." "You did." "Okay." "And everybody was here when whatever happened happened?" "Yeah." "It was a little, uh..." "It was..." "I-I..." "I have a head injury." "Okay." "And I take a lot of medication." " And I'm short on taking some meds right now." " Okay." "Like, my wife, I can call her and have her talk to you about it, 'cause she knows." "What I'm concerned about is what happened tonight." "So what I'm gonna do is ask you to be quiet." "I'm gonna talk to the person that called, and then I'll come in and talk to you guys, okay?" "So can I talk to you outside?" "This is what happens, Marc, when you ruin people's..." "You want me to get busted?" "Marc..." "Marc, nobody wants that." "Nobody wants that." "What the fuck do you think she's gonna do?" "Don't you dare call Debbie and ruin her evening." "Marc, what are you looking for?" "Come on." "Everybody out of the house now." "Everybody get out of the house." "What's going on?" "What's going on?" "You did the right thing." "Well, I said to call 911." " Did you see him just grabbing a knife right now?" " Yeah." "Go ahead." "We get all his meds?" " They're on the way." " 10-4." "Okay." "Can I ask you, where is Marc now?" "He's at the jail." "When we come to a call where family members are involved, it has nothing to do with the family members." "It has to do with the state." "I felt that you guys had enough fear that he violated Montana law, so..." "Is there any way that he could be taken to Warm Springs for an evaluation?" "This has happened in the past with... with people I've been involved with." "There's nurses and doctors at the jail." " This is what needs to happen." " Okay." "I have a friend who is a therapist, and she said, "Carol, if that happens," "that would be the very best thing in the long run, because maybe then he would be admitted... and get some evaluation."" "And it scared me to death when she said that, but now I realize that that's what... needs to be done." "That's what he needs." "The next day, Christmas day, we all tried to soldier on as usual, but it wasn't going to happen." "Even when Marc wasn't there, he was the center of attention." "The important thing is that this is a milestone." "I mean, with all this, and with Kim, it's... things are going to be different from now on." "I was looking at this wilderness and fresh air and snow, and it was just beautiful." "And..." "I just kept thinking about my dad." "And how beautiful it is, and how... how he would just love to go there for the weekend." "And then..." "I guess it just went from that to, like, the scenes of what happened the night before." "And it just, you know..." "it just hit me." "You know..." "The violence." "Where I usually just, like, shake it off, and say, "Oh, he'll change." "That's just Marc." "Blah, blah, blah."" "And he actually had me in a choke hold." "And it's, like, I have bruises on my neck." "It's just... scary." "Scared the shit out of me." "But then, you know, it's like, I was scared growing up." "I was scared... like, how long does this have to go on?" "They'd only release Marc into a treatment program." "So for the week after Christmas, mom and I called every facility in the northwest to find him a spot." "But it was taking awhile." "I postponed my return home until we settled things with Marc." "Mom and Debbie couldn't face visiting him in a cell, so it was up to me to show Marc we all still cared." ""Hey, mom, okay." ""After two weeks of nothing at all but dead ends," ""it looks like everything's gonna happen all at once, as usual." ""Marc has decided that he's gonna voluntarily commit himself," ""but we have to leave this afternoon." ""Father Moran has agreed to drive us, so, I don't know." ""Just give me a call." "Bye." "Okay." "Well, good luck to you, mr." "Mckerrow." " Take care, bud." " Have a good evening." " Is it okay if I film..." " Oh, I'm..." "You're doing a good thing for the future, Kim." "If you haven't noticed that I don't respect you" " ... for who you are..." " Oh, I do, I do." "I just have a hard time that Ki... that Todd and mom won't even say hello to me." "Yeah, well..." "What does mom say, by the way?" "Can't I even talk to her on the phone?" "You know what it is, Marc, is..." "She won't even let me talk to her on the phone because she thinks I'm that bad?" "She wants to make the statement..." " Not even talk to me?" " No, she says..." "On the phone even?" "That she will talk to you when you're in treatment." "And that's the same thing that Debbie is saying." "You know what that was for?" "Yeah." "Myself." "Everybody, everybody was thinking I was gonna come after them?" "You know who wouldn't be scared of me is the person I love the most, and the only person..." "I could almost say the only person I love... that man that adopted me that is dead that was a doctor." "You know what?" "He wouldn't be scared of me." "That doctor, Loren E. Mckerrow, would be hugging me tight, and take me home." "I'll put thousands of bucks on that." "'Cause he's a doctor, and he knows it and understands it and would be with me right now, and he's the only Mckerrow that I would love." "I'm sorry to say that, but that man would love me intensely and would not leave me in jail." "You know, if I had been there at that time and you had done the things you did with Todd, and you pulled a knife, you know what I probably would have done?" "I probably would have decked ya." " Would have what?" " I would have hit you." " Yeah." " To try to disarm you to... to get control of the situation." "So when they called 911, they didn't call because they wanted to punish you." "They called because they were frightened and didn't know what to do." "Uh, Marc?" "Okay, Marc, I'm not..." "I can't talk with you any longer." "Marc, I cannot... you're tearing me apart by telling me that we put you there and that we don't care." "Kim has talked with with the social worker twice now." "Yeah, I know it's weirding you out." "And it's weirding them out for you not to be taking meds in the evening." "So you try a little bit." "Because your mind is playing tricks on you." "Oh..." "We'll talk with you tonight." "You take the meds." "You eat a little bit today, okay?" "I'm gonna say goodbye now, Marc." "Goodbye for now, Marc." "Goodbye." "Oh, my Lord." "Hi, I was calling to inquire about the NAMI education course." "My name is Carol." "Marc had been in the hospital for a week, and I went to visit him." "It's weird visiting your brother in a mental hospital." "And being transgender, technically," "I was more mentally ill than he was." "Marc didn't have a diagnosis yet, but officially, I did." "I'd experienced so much frustration with the body I was born into, but I always knew I could rely on my mind." "Now Marc was losing his." "Do you want to see what we brought?" "What's wrong?" "This has, um... socks." "You mentioned you wanted some socks." "And this has a bunch of clothes." "I put some CDs in here, Marc." "I found all your CDs." "Why didn't you just bring a gun and kill me?" " Huh?" " I know you want me dead." "No, Marc." "They are coming in here" " ... 'cause they think you're scared..." " No, they don't." " ..." "Because of me." " That's not why they came in." "Yes, it is, Kim." "Don't lie." " That's not why they came in." " Kim, please." "Kim, yes, it is." "Kim, please." "Please, don't." "Don't even give me this shit." "I know what it is, and I'm gonna be dead, and you're not admitting it." " Marc..." " Kim..." " They're gonna help you." " Kim." "Let me show you the cake." "See?" "Mom got this for you." " See?" " Look at you." "Huh?" " There you are again." " What?" "You're scared to death right now." "What are you talking about?" "I'm moving this stuff out of the way so I can show you the cake." "It's right here." "This is a carrot cake with buttermilk frosting." "Mom said you liked, so she got that for you." "Want a piece?" " I want one." " Oh..." " Can I have a piece?" " Bury me first." "Oh, Marc." "It's your birthday." "Come on." "So I can be buried on my birthday." "Marc was going to be released after a month in the hospital." "So I arranged to work from Montana and extended my stay again to see him when he got out." "Debbie had asked Marc to live independently for a month to show he could take his meds and be stable." "My parents used to visit me in New York and San Francisco, but when I came to Montana, we would meet in other cities, where nobody could recognize me." "When I left home, I never thought I'd return." "Or if I did, I'd never go out in public." "But suddenly I found myself surrounded by the community" "I'd never dreamed I'd come back to." " Do you have a white?" " Yeah." "Can I have two glasses?" "Sure, okay." "You want me to help hold something?" "Hold onto that for a minute." "Because of Marc's treatment, I'd spent two months in Helena, my hometown, once again." "John Steinbeck celebrated our city in "Travels with Charlie"." ""Dear mother," wrote Steinbeck," ""I think I may have found my place in the world." ""Helena is a city turned modern overnight." ""It's bursting with energy, and the vitality of our time." "I feel so alive here in Helena."" "I'm very proud of you." "Keep it up." "Keep it up." "You're doing great." "All right." "I'm gonna say goodbye." " I love you." " And I love you." "We're really proud of you, Marc." "I'm really, really proud of you." "Marc made it through his month alone, and soon he was back with Debbie and Kelsie." "I'd like to say everything was fine after that." "But it wasn't long before he was back in the hospital again." "The most precise diagnosis he's gotten is "personality change due to head injury."" "It had been almost a year since our reunion." "That first day, back in the Helena airport," "I was hoping we'd be able to start over." "I spent way too long trying to make Marc change, but really loving Marc meant letting him hold onto his past." "I thought I'd changed enough for one lifetime, but being with Marc made me realize I was only halfway there." "We had gotten a chance to reinvent our relationship, but in the end, it didn't really have anything to do with my gender or his genes." "I'd become someone new." "I encouraged Marc to become a Welles, but he just wanted to be a Mckerrow, the name I left behind." "Actually, lately I've been thinking about taking that name back again." "For Marc's next birthday, I found the perfect gift... a digital photo frame." "I loaded it up with the pictures I knew he'd want to see." "# I know what it is to be young" "# But you, you don't know what it is to be old" "# Someday, you'll be saying the same thing" "# Time takes away, so the story is told" "# I've asked so many questions" "# Of the wise men I've met" "# Couldn't find all the answers" "# No one has as yet" "# There'll be days to remember..." "# Full of laughter and tears" "# After summer" "# Comes winter" "# And so go the years" "# So, my friend" "# Let's make music together" "# I'll play the old # while you sing me the new" "# In time, when your young days are over" "# There'll be someone" "# Sharing their time with you" "# I know" "# What it is to be young" "# But you don't know" "# What it is to be old?" "# So, my friend..." "# Let's make music together" "# I'll play the old while you sing me the new" "# In time, when your young days are over" "# There'll be someone sharing their time" "# With you" "# There'll be someone" "# Sharing their time" "# With you"