"CHARLIE:" "I like these sheets that you bought." "LAUREN:" "Yeah, they're so soft." "What's the thread count?" "800." "(EXCLAIMS IN SURPRISE) No shit." "Feels good." "Yeah." "(EXHALES)" "You're so sexy." "You're sexy, too." "Thanks." "Welcome." "I love you." "I love you more." "(WATER RUNNING)" "(SPITS)" "Um..." "So I forgot to tell you Weiner can't do the Rome office stint, so it looks like I'm going to Italy for the summer." "Italy." "And therefore, I think that this is a good time for us to evaluate our relationship." "Really?" "(STAMMERING) Honey, I'm not proposing." "I'm evaluating and after my evaluation," "I've realized that we're both ignoring something really obvious here." "We always go to Sarabeth's for brunch on Sunday, we switched from sour cream to Greek yogurt together, you wear your bra when we're having sex." "Look at the fucking pajamas that we're wearing." "I am saying that we are boring." "That I am bored, that I am, like, crazy-out-of-my-mind bored." "The most exciting part of the sex that we just had was when my penis was chafed by your NuvaRing." "We can spice things up." "How about a blowjob in the bathroom?" "No, Lauren, stop it." "Just stop it." "I was just inside of you." "No..." "Okay, okay." "This is us." "We could fix this." "(SNIFFLES) We could fix this, okay?" "Lauren, let's just talk when I get back, okay?" "We'll have had some distance, and you'll have moved out of this place." "This is my home." "I've lived here for two years." "Lauren, I tried to tell you." "When?" "Last month when we were walking through the West Village and I said to you," ""it's not for me, but I could so see you living here."" "I should pack." "I'll just start in the kitchen." "Lauren..." "You're sitting on my phone, I think." "Thanks." "(POP MUSIC PLAYING ON TV)" "Hi, can I please get some fried dumplings and an order of orange chicken?" "That'll be how long?" "Okay, see you in 20 minutes." "Bye." "(CELL PHONE RINGING)" "And who may I ask is calling?" "Hey, it's me, your pathetic 29-year-old intern friend." "(LAUGHS DRYLY) Well, there's always a spot for you at Happy Nails." "Never." "I would never..." "Comedy?" "You wanna see some comedy?" "Never." "I would never consider working there in a million years." "Are you kidding?" "For one thing, I'm not Asian enough." "Here you go, comedy." "(SIGHS) What's up?" "You called." "Comedy?" "Yes, I made you more fliers." "Are you ever gonna let me see your show?" "I would consider letting you go in never, but I will meet you at Shake Shack in 20 minutes." "I can't." "I'm sexercising." "And this place is full of windows..." "Hello!" "Excuse me?" "...gets lots of light." "I'm being robbed." "Got to go, bye." "Look at this nice, long hallway." "As a matter of fact, why don't you go look in the living room?" "Great crown molding, a view of Gramercy Park." "Yeah, my view is beautiful." "What the hell, man?" "I live here." "You cannot just drop in on me like this." "I told you 60 days ago that this building was no longer going to be rent-controlled as of June 1st." "And I told you that this is my grandmother's apartment and I've lived here for five years and Gram doesn't want me moving her things." "All right, hey, why don't you just give me another month so I can get my book advance, okay?" "You're writing a book?" "Not at this exact second, but I have a lot of ideas." "You've got four days, Katie." "If you can't pay, you've got to move on, or find a damn roommate." "Hey, what do you think?" "All right, let's go." "Come on." "That's fine!" "Have fun with my grandmother's ghost." "She talks in her sleep about the Holocaust!" "(POP MUSIC PLAYING)" "Okay, honey, you have to stop pouting because now you're depressing me, you're depressing Zelda, you're just creating this, like, pea soup of depression in this room." "Look at her." "She has a permanent frown-y face, okay?" "It's not her face." "It's her energy." "Her energy is so off and Tuesday's her favorite day." "I don't care." "I'm the one who just found out that my person is no longer my person." "Look, look, I haven't said anything before because I like to be a good friend and I don't wanna be judgmental, but right now, I'm gonna drop a real bomb on you so I'm glad you're sitting down." "Charlie is boring." "Sorry, everyone talks about it, no one says it to you." "He is boring." "It's a struggle to have a 20-second conversation with him." "And you know what else?" "He always seems like he's kind of looking for a better deal." "I'm sorry." "I'm a great deal." "Honey, oh, my God, I know that." "Of course, you are." "You're my favorite." "You're the best deal in the world." "You're like a Subway gift card." "But then why would he go all the way over to Italy without you, huh?" "To what?" "To shack up with some woman named Catalina who has perfect teardrop breasts and a nice Sicilian bush that smells like lavender, and she makes her own pesto sauce?" "I'm sorry." "I don't even know why we're packing." "I can't afford an apartment by myself in this city." "I've a place for you." "Where?" "Before I tell you, you have to promise me that you'll keep an open mind and let Uncle Jesse take care of you." "LAUREN:" "Keep talking." "JESSE:" "Okay, remember Monica and Rachel's apartment?" "Of course, you do." "This one makes that one look like a fucking shoebox, and bonus, it overlooks Zelda's third favorite park in the world, Gramercy." "(KNOCKING ON DOOR)" "(GASPS)" "You." "You!" "(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING) JESSE:" "Come on." "Please?" "You sure you don't wanna come inside?" "There's a keg!" "Come on, it'll be like high school with no curfew." "(PEOPLE EXCLAIMING IN DISGUST)" "Hey, could you bum a cigarette off me?" "He'll be here." "Good, yeah. (CHUCKLING) What more do you want?" "Jesse!" "(SINGING) I want to Macarena with you Jesse, Jesse, Jesse" "Oh, yeah, girl." "That's the girl Katie I told you about from my Religious Studies class." "She's the bomb." "She's so cool and smart." "I wanna be friends with her." "KATIE:" "Hey, Jesse Lawson!" "Yeah!" "Whoa, whoa, whoa!" "(BABBLING NONSENSICALLY)" "Stop showing your body to everybody." "I wanna show you my body!" "No, no." "This is my friend, Drunky McGee." "This is my friend, Lauren." "She's gonna drive you home, okay?" "Please, please, please?" "KATIE:" "Yes." "She's on the way, she's right near your dorm." "KATIE:" "I'm gonna beat you!" "JESSE:" "Okay, you're gonna beat me!" "Please?" "Just so she doesn't get date-raped by somebody." "(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)" "How was the party?" "Well, these two guys were totally fighting over me and I was like," ""Listen, you guys, I can't blow both of you at the same time!"" ""Fuck off!" You know what I mean?" "Anyways, what'd you do tonight?" "I'm just gonna watch some Felicity." "I hate British people." "Are you sure we're going the right way?" "(GASPS) Is this yours?" "Yeah." "Sorry, I think it's empty." "Perfect." "I'm just gonna borrow it." "(URINATING) Stop!" "This is my new car!" "It was a graduation present!" "I do this all the time." "Just shh, shh!" "(WHISPERING) Oh, my God." "Oh, my God." "Oh, my God." "Oh, my God." "Ta-da!" "See, no spills at all!" "(BOTH GASPING)" "(TIRES SCREECHING)" "Get out." "But it's scary here." "Get out of my car!" "I hate you!" "(DOG BARKING)" "Why don't you just chill out!" "Urine is sterile!" "Hi!" "Come on in!" "Come here." "You're gonna love it." "Move." "Get in here." "What are you thinking?" "I can't live with her!" "You know, I totally don't appreciate surprises, Jesse." "Close, close, close, close and open sesame!" "(EXHALES)" "Wow." "Incredible, right?" "Could you die?" "Literally, could you die?" "Hardwood floors, the windows, Gramercy Park is right out there and it's a historical landmark." "Katie's grandmother got this place in the '40s." "She was a knitting maven." "Oh." "And a stripper, too, I see." "What is that?" "You don't need to judge my bubbie." "Honey, no one's judging anybody's bubble." "(SIGHS) You know what?" "Katherine, why don't you tell Lauren a little bit about the place?" "I'm gonna go get some Monster because I'm a little..." "Look at me, I'm shaking." "I'm a little low energy." "I'll be right back, okay?" "You want some lo mein?" "You wanna finish it off?" "No." "Okay." "I'll throw it away or put it in the fridge?" "I don't care." "Okay." "Well, this is an apartment." "I'm sure you're familiar with what that is structurally." "This is a living room." "That's a dining room." "There's a chair." "That's a lamp." "Grandma, and down the hall is my room." "That's private because I'm a very private person and across the hall is Bubbie's room." "She died in there." "Let's go see your bedroom." "Come on." "Come on." "Don't go in my room!" "I said it was private!" "JESSE:" "And you can hang all your pictures." "Okay, now don't mind the odor." "It's a bit pungent." "That's Bubbie." "She's still lingering, but that'll be gone." "It'll be dissipated." "Look at this, though." "Look at this personal space." "Invaluable in New York, right?" "This is a bedroom, or is it?" "Or is it a dance studio?" "I don't know, there's so much space here." "I mean, can you believe this?" "And the closet space?" "Forget the windows, the windows with the light coming in." "It's like living on the sun!" "These hardwood floors, if there was a knot in the floor big enough for my ding-dong," "I would fuck the shit out of them." "Good." "Good." "How could you trick me?" "You know I hate her." "'Cause you need a place to stay and she needs a roommate." "(GROANS) I don't want to." "I know." "Fine." "Okay." "Okay." "The place is amazing." "You're right, okay?" "Right?" "Yes, the windows are huge, the floors are lovely, okay?" "What is that?" "Is that a pedicure chair?" "It is for my back." "Okay, it's for her back." "She's got a bad back." "What is all this shit?" "I don't know." "Stop touching Bubbie's things!" "Okay, you, you, let's go, outside." "Don't touch it!" "In the hallway." "Conference, family conference." "Get over here." "Yeah, I know, pouting!" "We're gonna take a walk." "Bitch one and bitch two, go." "I need a minute of your time, okay?" "A minute where you are just neutral and you're not judging each other and you're not holding onto all this shit." "Close your eyes, close your eyes." "Open your hearts, please." "Indulge me." "Please." "Oh, god bless you!" "Thank you, Katherine." "You guys, together, could take this place from nursing home to "let's nurse some cocktails at home," right?" "I'm talking about a trip to Design Within Reach led by Lauren," "I'm talking about cool street-art done by Katie," "I'm talking about getting rid of that floral print monstrosity, taking it outside, pissing on it and burning it, and then you know what, we'll replace it with something simple, something from..." "I don't know." "Now, I want you to open your eyes on the count of three." "And I want you to see your new home." "And I don't want you to thank me right away, but overtime, yes, I think I'm owed a little thanks." "One, two, three." "I release you." "It does sound like a nice place to live." "Yeah, almost as nice as that neighborhood you left me in so I could get raped." "What?" "You were raped?" "No, but I could have been." "JESSE:" "God!" "Why can't my friends be fuckin' friends?" "Whenever I smell urine, it reminds me of the time you peed in my hair." "Oh!" "There was a bump!" "What do you want me to say about it?" "There was no bump!" "Okay, stop it!" "You two hate each other for no reason!" "I am so sick and tired of living like a child of divorce." "Why don't you just live together for the summer?" "See how it goes?" "Okay." "Lauren, honey, I have a question." "Where are you sleeping tonight?" "'Cause it's not at my place." "I have that Peruvian boy coming over from the gym." "And, Katherine, may I remind you that your most promising applicant has been that woman that looked like Ted Danson and could not stop queefing?" "Do you want that?" "Hmm?" "You two, my gorgeous angels, are about to be homeless in Washington Square Park over a fucking party foul." "And I don't like to give out spare change, so you're on your own." "Hey, can you watch my stuff?" "I'd love to." "Thanks." "I was thinking about that barf color you have on the walls of your living room, and I thought this dove gray would actually really open up the space." "You get two walls, I get two walls." "Welcome home." "Great." "How much for the lamp?" "$10." "LAUREN:" "I'm moving your chair out of my room!" "KATIE:" "Oh, my God, yeah." "I love the way you feel." "You feel so good." "Yeah." "Ooh, I do like when you tickle my boobies like that." "Tickle my boobies." "Tickle them." "(KATIE MOANING)" "(KNOCKING ON DOOR)" "LAUREN:" "Hey, can I get in there?" "I just really have to pee and then" "I have to get ready for work." "I'll be so fast." "All right." "I don't care." "Come in." "Go ahead." "Okay." "Where do you work that requires so much makeup?" "I'm just doing a lot of writing, being super creative." "Did you have someone over here last night?" "(CHUCKLES) It's none of your business." "But yes." "Okay." "(URINATING)" "Oh, my God, Lauren." "(SIGHS) Sounds like somebody has a UTI." "You can't hear a UTI." "I'd invest in some cranberry juice if I were you." "Okay, fine, you know what?" "You pee in cups in cars while they're moving." "Ooh." "I like a little fire in you." "Katie, there's no toilet paper." "Katie, there's no toilet paper." "What?" "I can't hear you!" "I'm running late!" "Bye!" "MORTY:" "I have to let you go." "I'm old." "I'm tired." "And let's face it, it's time to close the place down." "You're smart." "That's why I hired you." "And that's why you're gonna be great out there on your own." "I thought I would take over when you retired." "What about your clients?" "You're gonna be great out there on your own." "Work is good." "It's just really busy." "Sweetie, tell us some more about the new place." "We've been dying to come over and help you set it up." "I mean..." "Yeah, just give us a good time and we'll come over." "(KNOCKING ON DOOR)" "KATIE:" "Did you eat all my hot dog buns?" "I'm on the phone!" "They're kosher!" "I know you stole my lamp!" "What?" "What'd you say?" "LAUREN:" "Sorry, Dad." "The apartment is spectacular." "My roommate is whatever." "ADELE:" "Well, you won't have to live with this person for long, honey." "Charlie will come back." "They always do." "But, sweetie, lock up Grandma's pearls." "We don't know this girl." "(SIGHS)" "(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)" "Buongiorno!" "It's Charlie." "I can't get to my phone right now because I'm probably doing something awesome in Italy, but I'll get back to you as soon as I can." "Ciao!" "(MANDARIN POP SONG PLAYING)" "(SPEAKING KOREAN)" "Is this your job?" "No." "Yes, you have paint all over your face and also on your body." "Take a seat." "Come on." "You got to sit down to have your nails done, so..." "So you're not a writer?" "I write every day." "Like I said, I'm creative, so I have a lot of outlets for it." "This is New York City." "Most people need more than one job." "How many jobs do you have?" "Well, my top faves include doing nail art because I'm good at it and it lowers my beauty budget." "I also hand out fliers for Jesse because I support the arts and I'm a really good friend." "And I also really like taking orders at Wo-Hop because they have the best Chinese in the city." "Everybody knows that, and I get it for free." "Switch." "Why aren't you at work?" "Did Jesse tell you?" "(SCOFFS) You kind of gave it away with the greasy hair and the pajamas." "How you gonna pay your rent, girl?" "I have a savings account." "Oh, right, your rich parents from Long Island that cut your sandwich up into cute little four squares until you went to prep school." "Whatever." "You're not a writer." "You're some fake nail tech with a counterfeit diploma you probably printed at Kinko's." "Oh, Ming Lee!" "(SPEAKING KOREAN)" "What did you say to her?" "(KATIE GRUNTING)" "KATIE:" "Yeah, I'm your slave." "I love being your slave." "Yeah, put me in your cage!" "I wanna go in the cage!" "Wait!" "Wait, it's dark in here!" "I don't wanna be in here any more!" "I don't wanna be in here any more!" "Yeah, your dick looks so big and it's looking at me!" "Let me out!" "I'm scared!" "Kane?" "Please, let me out!" "Please, let me out!" "Let me out!" "I wanna..." "Just cum on my face." "Got to go, bye." "MAN ON PHONE:" "No, no, no..." "I'm hungry." "You want the story or not?" "LAUREN:" "Yeah, sure." "Fine." "Whatever." "When I first came to New York, (CLEARS THROAT)" "I didn't have money, like I'm sure you did." "And I didn't have parents that were like," ""Oh, you can be the first pretty president," or whatever, okay?" "My gram let me move in with her, but I was pretty much on my own." "And then she died and I saw an ad in the Village Voice for a phone sex line and I called it, and I nailed my interview." "And that's how I'm here." "Why are you so mopey?" "Charlie changed his Facebook status to "single" today." "Sorry." "I mean, I don't really deal with break-ups, but it's not so bad being alone." "Take the cookie." "So, how does it work?" "Basically, like, whatever they say," "I just tell them I wanna lick it." "Like, nipple guy, lick it." "Hairy balls?" "Lick 'em all." "Okay." "Ew." "You have to know some dirty words." "Didn't you talk during sex with Charlie?" "I mean, he loved when I would tell him he was sexy." "Wow." "Whatever." "I meant, how do you get the calls?" "It's easy." "I just call and tell 'em when I'm on and they forward me the calls." "How much are these guys paying?" "I think like $4.99." "I get $1 a minute." "It's a decent enough living for me, though." "Except I'm always going over my cell phone minutes, but... (SIGHS) Okay." "First, get a land line." "You're wasting your time for a buck a minute and this depraved company you work for makes four times as much as you for doing nothing." "Get your own hotline." "Okay, rude." "I've thought of that." "It just sounds like a ton of work." "It's not a ton of work." "You just call the phone company, they'll give you a new number, you'll set up a PayPal account, tell your repeat callers your new number and you're done." "You seem to know how to do this." "Don't even think about it." "Help me make this a business and I'll pay $100 of your rent until you get another job." "No." "Okay, forever." "I have an interview tomorrow at Laxton Press." "It is the second best publishing house in the world, it is my dream job and I'm perfect for it." "(GASPS) Really?" "Okay, well, you go get your fancy-pants boring job and I'll just be here being exciting." "Fine." "It's my 10:00 regular." "His name's Sean." "You know, you're not better than me." "You're not better than phone sex!" "I'm better than phone sex." "Just imagine me playing with your balls while you fuck me." "I wanna lick you from top to bottom." "I wanna hear you cum." "(SEAN MOANING)" "Fuck!" "(LAUGHS) Hi." "Hi." "So, not to drop a bomb on you, but it's our two-month anniversary this week." "Yeah, I know." "You don't got to tell me." "I got the phone bills." "And don't take that the wrong way." "You know I like you." "Yeah, I figured." "Am I the only one you're phone banging?" "You're the only one, period." "I don't know, it's just easier on the phone." "I get quiet around people." "I'm shy, too." "No, you're not." "Last week you described a gang-bang you had in college while I came all over my coffee table." "(LAUGHING) Stop!" "Do not ever tell me what I've said to you ever again." "(LAUGHS) I have another call coming in and you need to save your pennies." "I'll talk to you later, lover." "Bye." "Hello?" "LAUREN:" "Look, I'm qualified." "I'm more than qualified for this job." "I have wasted the last five years of my life working for the wrong company." "I'm ready to take my career to the next level which is why I'm here with you." "Okay." "I am the most organized person you will ever meet." "I am the most hard-working person you'll ever meet." "Probably one of the smartest." "Listen, the job we called you in for was filled via nepotism this morning." "Actually, it's not really nepotism." "It's cronyism or..." "I don't know what it's called when you hire someone's nephew, but there's no job, and there won't be another one for about three months for a junior editor." "Three months?" "I really need a job right now." "(RACHEL SIGHS)" "From the looks of this, you've had everything planned out since you were five-years-old." "Maybe take a summer off from escorting Dawn's Syndrome children to the Broadway theater." "We all made fun of you." "Work, you fucking piece of fucking motherfucking shit!" "Hi." "Hi." "Laxton Press isn't hiring for another three months." "So, until then, I'm yours." "I wanna make a third of the profits and I'm not getting on the phone." "It's strictly business." "I wouldn't want you on the phone." "You wouldn't have any idea what to do." "Can you help me make a website?" "Of course, I could, but you don't need a website yet." "You need a phone number and a phone for your new landline." "(GASPING)" "Oh, my God, you got me a gift!" "You're welcome." "And it's pink!" "Okay." "So I've been thinking about the concept of my line and the thing about it is that it's classic." "It's always in style just like my pretty pink phone." "These men wanna jerk off to your voice." "They don't need a concept." "What's your number?" "Okay, slave driver." "(CLEARS THROAT)" "What about" "1-900-ASS-TIME?" "No?" "1-900-U-FINGER?" "1-900-ASS-BAGS?" "No, no, no." "TEA-BAGS?" "Something with "bags" in it." "I don't know." "1-900-VAG-BAGS?" "(SNIFFING) Mmm." "Oh, my God, this smells so good." "(SNIFFING) Mmm!" "That's not bad." "1-900-VAG-BAGS?" "No." "No. 1-900-MMM-HMMM." "(SNIFFS) Mmm!" "Like, 1-900-M-M-M..." "BOTH:" "H-M-M-M." "Yeah." "(GASPS) Ooh." "I like it." "(GASPS)" "That's it!" "Yes!" "I love it!" "I love it so much!" "Hello, world!" "For a good time, call 1-900-M-M-M-H-M-M-M!" "(WHOOPING)" "We have a business!" "(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) (RINGING) 1-900-MMM-HMMM?" "Yes, I am." "Hold for billing, please." "Billing!" "Misty, it's Dan from Connecticut." "Cheryl, it's Eddie from East Lansing." "Rachel, it's Schleheim again." "Guzzling cum?" "My favorite!" "Lauren!" "Tootsie!" "Champagne!" "Yes!" "Yes!" "Yes!" "Yes!" "D.J.?" "Stephanie?" "No!" "No!" "I said no!" "No!" "Cindy, Aaron with the low-hangers." "April, get the water bottles." "It's John, the one who likes to hear you pee." "Mmm." "You sound like a redhead." "Do you have freckles on your dick?" "See, what I do is just wait till it comes out on DVD and then I just watch it all in a row." "Oh!" "Fuck, that's my cervix!" "Whoa, whoa!" "This is still Billing!" "(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON PHONE) ON PHONE:" "Hi, it's Katie." "Leave a message." "Bye!" "(SIGHS)" "Hey, good job not calling me back." "Well done." "Is this number a beeper?" "Because a human never answers." "Jesus." "Oh, I love that smell." "Mmm." "Can I lick it?" "You're a dirty girl, Misty." "Oh, my God, you're gonna make me go." "Ooh, it's so good." "It's so good!" "(MOANS)" "I want to get on my hands and knees and reverse into that big cock." "Yeah, back it up." "Back it up." "(IMITATES BEEPING OF TRUCK REVERSING)" "Beep." "Beep, beep." "Beep. (MOANS) Beep. (MOANS)" "Toot, toot!" "Oh!" "Beep, beep!" "Toot, toot!" "(INTENSIFYING) Beep, beep, beep, beep!" "Beep, beep, beep, beep!" "Loadin' dock!" "Loadin' dock!" "Dick dock!" "Dick dock!" "Yeah, fill me, fill me up!" "(KATIE MOANING) (HONKING)" "(YELLS)" "(YELLS IN ECSTASY)" "You all done?" "Okay, honey." "Call us back soon." "Bye." "I thought he was never gonna cum." "(LAUGHING)" "Welcome to Jersey, ma'am." "(MOANING)" "(KATIE SPEAKING SPANISH)" "You're right. it really does open up the space." "Actually, I have some things to tell you." "I've instated a 10-minute minimum so we don't have to waste time with those two-pump Johnnys any more." "I like it." "Okay." "Second, and this is the big one." "Okay." "We've made $12,000 in three weeks!" "No." "Yes." "Oh, my God!" "I know!" "And because of that, I felt like just to be safe business-wise," "I incorporated us so we're now an LLC." "No shit!" "Yes." "Well, fuck Grandma!" "Can I get us that new couch?" "Sure." "Okay." "I really, really need you to drink this green tea I made for you because you're getting all hoarse again." "I know." "I got to keep the throat lubed." "I have also been thinking and I was wondering if maybe we could hire some dumb-ass to work for us for $1 a minute?" "Urn..." "Yeah." "Yeah, we could do that." "(GASPS) Perfect because I already found her!" "You did?" "Yes." "She writes..." ""Dear slut talkers, look no further."" ""I scared my last boyfriend away by how dirty I talked in bed."" ""Here's a taste."" ""Fuck my tits until they're so raw,"" ""you have to move down to my itty bitty..."" "...itty bitty, edible gummy-wear thong." "I am loud, I am creative and I love giving phone blowies." "So this is a nice couch." "And also, I've been practicing my baby voice." "(IN BABY VOICE) "That won't fit, mister!"" "Not really for us." "We really try to stay away from the pedo thing." "You do really sound like a baby, though, so congrats on that." "(KATIE CHUCKLES)" "May I?" "Oh, the stripper pole?" "Sure, go for a spin." "Has it been used today?" "KATIE:" "Not today." "Okay, great." "(MOUTHING) I love her!" "(MOUTHING) Love her!" "(LAUGHS) Look at you, you're a natural." "So..." "You are very flexible." "She's better than me." "Well, let's not..." "Okay, we charge a 10-minute minimum, so the point is just keep the guys on the call as long as possible." "Just make sure that they bring up the sex stuff, okay?" "You just small talk from the get go and see what happens after that." "I'm from Maui and I love to take my cat to the dog park on Sunday mornings in my bikini." "(GIGGLES)" "I mean, it's perfect." "Amazing." "You got to be on your A-game, though, for every call." "All right, don't listen to this, but I don't care if they wanna take a pretend dump on your boobs." "You just roll with it and act like it's sexy." "Can we see it?" "(MOANS DRAMATICALLY) Steamy!" "I like it right there!" "Ooh!" "(PURRS)" "Get over here!" "Welcome to our family!" "(KATIE MOANING LOUDLY)" "KATIE:" "I just came in my panties and I'm a squirter, honey!" "You wanna smell them?" "'Cause they smell so good!" "Yeah, you can have them for $29.95, plus shipping and handling." "(DOORBELL RINGING)" "Good boy." "I'm gonna make 'em nice and wet just for you!" "SCOTT:" "Surprise!" "ADELE:" "Hi!" "Hi!" "Hello!" "Oh, my God!" "Hi!" "Daddy had an appointment in the city this afternoon and I wanted to check out the sale at Barneys and we figured as long as we were in the neighborhood..." "Your mother's lying." "So sorry we didn't call." "Okay." "Just give me one second, okay?" "Sure." "Fuck." "ADELE:" "I'm so glad Charlie let you keep the dishes." "That's only fair." "This is like the longest hallway in Manhattan." "Brought your favorite, boo-boo kitty." "Magnolia!" "LAUREN:" "Thanks, Mom!" "Hello." "Hello." "Oh, and this is a potted plant." "Great." "Thank you." "KATIE:" "Hit it!" "I'm so close!" "That's..." "That's my roommate." "She's exercising in her room." "What is that?" "Is that a stripper pole?" "Oh!" "Yeah, it is." "Oh, my God, is your roommate a stripper?" "No!" "Oh, my God." "No, she's not a stripper!" "She exercises on there." "You know, it's good for your abs." "That's not structural." "Have one of these guys. (LAUGHS) You had me worried for a second." "Actually, honey, Daddy and I were in your account this week to make a little gift deposit." "You guys still watch my account?" "We couldn't help but notice that you have 10 grand in that account." "Did Morty finally give you that promotion?" "Did he?" "Yeah." "Yeah, he did." "(PARENTS GASPING)" "I know, I am so sorry." "I don't know why I forgot to tell you guys." "That's awesome." "ADELE:" "Sweetie, it's just not like you to keep these things to yourself." "Scott!" "Adele!" "Katie." "Oh, God, what a pleasure." "It's so nice to meet you." "You." "Well, okay." "Oh, my goodness." "Lauren didn't tell me how good-looking you were." "Why don't you sit down?" "Let's get to know each other, then." "KATIE:" "I would love that." "I would love to do that because I love parents, but our very good friend Krissy is coming over and she just went through one of the worst break-ups I've ever been privy to." "Don't even get me started." "Oh, my God." "SCOTT:" "I told you this was gonna be a bad time." "(DOORBELL RINGING)" "You guys..." "We'll stop into the city again really soon." "She's just heart-broken. if we can just do this another time?" "I understand." "Okay." "They need some time." "ADELE:" "Your promotion's a big deal." "We've got to celebrate." "I know." "Oh, thank you." "Oh, dear." "Look who I found, just surviving." "You're doing good." "Hi." "Hi." "I'm Krissy." "Krissy, I'm Adele." "Sweetie, I know we just met, but listen, life is full of ups and downs and good times will come again." "It is." "Adele and I were separated, it worked out fine." "Come on, honey, let's go." "Feel better, honey." "I'm gonna walk them out." "Okay." "Nice to meet you, Katie." "There, there, sweet thing." "I've got you." "Okay." "I've got you." "I do." "It's over, you guys." "Oh." "Oh." "Let's get this fuck show started!" "Please hold for Misty." "Krissy!" "It's John from San Jose!" "Oh, God, it feels good to have a night off." "I feel like I was always meant to be an employer and not an employee." "Do you remember the last time we left this apartment?" "No, I really don't." "Can I braid your hair?" "Okay." "KRISSY:" "I want you to go get a bowl of milk." "A very, very full bowl of milk." "And then I want to squat over top of it." "You're gonna dangle your boys in there." "What's that, did I hear a dog in the background?" "Okay." "I want you to go get some kibble." "Yes, go get some kibble." "I want you to take two pieces, put them in your mouth." "Take three pieces and put them in your bum." "Okay, do you have any potted plants around you?" "Okay, I want you to go grab that potted plant." "Good." "Did it crack?" "Ooh." "I like that." "Okay, now I want you to crack all your toes." "Now, when you're on the tenth one," "I want you to pull each lace out of your shoe very slowly." "Good boy." "Now, when you have that lace out," "I want you to wrap it around your balls." "You're gonna start tugging really gentle." "Now, I'm gonna deliver you a very special message and when I do that, I want you to pull real hard, okay?" "You got that lace?" "Good." "Here's your special message, Mr. Phone Caller." "Girl, you do a good braid." "I feel like she's talking a lot of calls in there." "Do you wanna go check?" "Yeah." "Okay." "KRISSY:" "You've got your hairy dick in your hand, yeah?" "That plastic bag over your head?" "You feel like a naughty boy?" "You know who else thinks you're a naughty boy?" "G-O-D." "Forget this number." "Do you want God to damn you to Hell?" "Because he just did." "What the fuck!" "Get the fuck off the phone!" "We're running a business here!" "God bless you." "Jesus loves you." "Your business is disgusting." "(BOTH GASPING)" "What is that?" "(WHISPERS) It's a cross." "I know what it is!" "I know what it is!" "I am an undercover agent of the Lord." "And you two didn't even know." "Even you." "And you seem smart." "I saved some souls tonight and that's more than I can say for you two phone whores!" "All right, well, obviously you're fired!" "Out!" "Outwith you!" "Get out!" "Jesus loves you, too." "KATIE:" "Come on!" "Out, out, out!" "Let there be no filth in this..." "Yeah, yeah, yeah!" "We're Jews." "(PHONE RINGING)" "(KRISSY CONTINUES RECITING SCRIPTURE)" "KATIE:" "I don't wanna hear it!" "MAN ON PHONE:" "Oh, God, I'm cumming!" "(MOANS)" "Amen!" "Oh, my God." "Fucking Craigslist." "What happened?" "I just picked up the phone and he came." "I should be our second operator." "I don't wanna be boring any more." "Are you high?" "I appreciate the sentiment, but we just lost half our callers to fucking Jesus of Nazareth back there." "Look, I will do whatever you tell me to do." "I will lick whatever you want me to lick." "I will make us so much money." "I'm good at everything." "You know that." "All right." "I'm gonna take a chance on you, kid." "We start training tomorrow." "Now, you just say the words as I point to them, okay?" ""Dripping, hole, clenches."" "Next." ""Hard, cock, jams."" "Next." ""Wet, snatch, opens."" "Say it like you mean it!" "Okay, let's give this a try." "There's a lot of dildos in there." "What?" "I used to work in a sex shop." "(MUFFLED) Oh, I love it when your cock is in my mouth!" "Now you try." "Has this ever been in your... (CELL PHONE RINGING)" "Hello?" "Tell me what you're wearing, you dirty little slut." "Oh, it's this cute dress from Cynthia Vincent." "Lauren!" "Hey, I thought we were gonna take this seriously, right?" "Harder!" "Faster!" "Harder!" "Faster!" "I'm wearing a lacy, pink thong." "It slid right up my ass." "And a bra that is just so tight on my heaving breasts." "Good." "Good." "(MOANING)" "I like it when they're long and hard, oh, when they really are just so, so meaty." "(MOANING LOUDLY)" "(MOANING LOUDLY)" "Jesus, have you murdered each other?" "It's some real War of the Roses shit." "I feel like Danny DeVito." "Call me." "(BOTH MOANING)" "I wanna rub your breasts when I see you in that dress." "Mmm-hmm." "I wanna rub my own breasts when I see you in that dress." "Ooh, yeah?" "Where else are you pink?" "I wanna take you to dinner when I see you in that dress." "Then, after dinner, I'm gonna take you home and I'm gonna fuck you." "(GASPS) I'm gonna rip that dress off you and I'm gonna fuck you so hard." "Cum for me, baby." "BOTH:" "Boop!" "Yes!" "Yes!" "Oh, I'm cumming!" "I'm cumming!" "I'm cumming!" "I'm cumming!" "Oh, God, yes!" "Oh, yes." "(LAUGHING)" "Well, I just blew my load all over your tits." "I'll see you inside." "(SIGHS)" "Hey, don't make fun of me, but I'm gonna send you that essay I wrote." "SEAN:" "I'll send you that film I cut." "It's only the longest short film in the history of cinema." "Is this the one about the little man that lives inside of the cardigan?" "No, this one is about the conjoined twins who found happiness." "Oh, okay." "That's my other line, but call me later and let's talk about them." "Bye." "1-900-MMM-HMMM." "Uh, a three-way?" "Urn..." "Yes, we can do that." "Hold for Billing, please." "Lauren!" "You need me to run the card?" "Yes, and then I need you to stay." "It's time for your first call, honey." "Ready?" "Yes." "Hi." "I'm Kitty and I'm here with my friend." "(IN BREATHY VOICE) Hello, I'm Catty." "Hello, Kitty and Catty." "I guarantee you, that's gonna confuse me once I start whacking' off but for now that's okay." "I've heard you've been a bad boy and I'm here to save you." "I'm actually the one who will be doing the saving because I am a goddamn man who flies people through the sky on a bird made of steel." "I'm an airplane pilot and I'm masturbating while taking a shit." "Tell me what you ladies are wearing." "Well, Catty is wearing a lace nightie and I'm caressing her with my tongue." "JERRY:" "Okay." "I'm starting to masturbate and I'm done pooing." "What part of her skin specifically are you caressing with your tongue?" "MY nipples." "(TOILET FLUSHING) Nice." "Okay." "Great." "Now you know what I want you guys to do?" "I want you to put your tongues on a collision course and just ram those fuckers." "Ram tongues." "(BOTH MOANING AND IMITATING KISSING)" "Catty is..." "Oh, she's such a good kisser." "Her lips are so luscious and wet." "Okay, so, Catty, what do Kitty's underpants look like?" "Oh!" "They're so cute!" "I mean, they're..." "Well, they're leopard print." "There is an animal up her tight, sexy ass." "(GROWLING)" "Nice." "Kitty, what do Catty's underpants look like?" "She's not wearing any panties." "Do you like that?" "No, I don't." "I think that's gross, to be totally honest." "You're just, what?" "You're just sweating vagina juice in your jeans all day?" "That's disgusting." "Put on underpants." "Tell me when you have them on." "So I can keep masturbating." "MAN:" "Jerry, come on, the flight's about to leave." "Dude, I'm jerking off in here, right this second, literally, and you're ruining it." "Just delay the flight, okay?" "Now, Catty, look at Kitty and tell me what you see." "She's so pretty." "She has the most beautiful eyes." "And her hair is soft around her face." "KATIE:" "And Catty is so beautiful." "She has this luminous skin that I would kill for." "She is so nice and honest, and such a good friend." "Kitty is just so fun and outgoing and she lights up every room." "And she gives great manicures." "You guys have any dildos or anything like that around?" "Listen, last night was..." "You made me proud." "You're a real phone sex operator now." "I know." "I'm a slut." "Is it okay I'm a slut?" "(LAUGHING) Yeah." "A slut that made $800 in one night!" "I don't know if I'm just, like, being emotional because of last night or whatever, but I want you to stay." "Really stay." "Past the summer." "Okay." "Pinky swear." "I have a friend who's a girl." "And I like it!" "You can't take that job at Laxton Publishing." "Let's go full time." "Okay." "It's Laxton Press." "And last night was my first night, so let's just take this as it comes, okay?" "Yeah." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Yeah." "I get it." "I almost forgot." "We're gonna be twins!" "I'll have you know I schlepped all the way to Brooklyn to get this for you." "I will not let you down." "I'm only givin' it to you because you said I had a nice ass." "(SIGHS)" "LAUREN:" "Mmm." "Eat me for lunch at your desk!" "(MOANING)" "That feels so good." "Do you have a big calculator?" "(GASPS)" "I have to pee so bad!" "It's Harold, our new tax attorney." "HAROLD:" "I got a big calculator, I got the biggest!" "Yeah, I got a big calculator for you." "I want you to press 5-8-0-0-8." "You know what that spells? "Boobs."" "Audit me, Harold!" "Inspect every inch of my bod with a fine-tooth comb." "(YELLS) I'm about to jizz!" "(GASPS) Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!" "I think you found my loophole!" "It happened!" "Pleasure doing business with you, Harry." "Hey, can you fax over those I-9s?" "Okay." "Bye." "Okay, bye-bye." "Thank you." "Bye." "Becky!" "(SIGHS) Thank you." "What a relief." "You're welcome." "Is that a gift for me?" "Yes." "And I have one, too, and we're going out." "Oh, my God!" "We're matching!" "(BOTH SCREAMING)" "LAUREN:" "Let's start with the artichoke dip." "Yes, and then do you maybe wanna do like the brown sugar pork?" "Yes, and like a salad." "With dressing on the side?" "With dressing on the side, of course." "Okay, good." "Okay." "What is going on here?" "Let's just tell him." "Are you guys scissor dancing?" "Honestly." "You know, I hate lesbians, but you have to tell me." "I'll make an exception, I'll get past it for you two." "No!" "What then?" "We are running a phone sex line." "Boom!" "Shut up." "Not my idea!" "And this doesn't make me a whore!" "A whore?" "No!" "This makes you awesome!" "She just phone-fucked the shit out of our accountant." "What's going on?" "(IMITATES EXPLOSION)" "What?" "Wait, wait, wait, wait!" "But what happened to Lawson Press?" "Laxton Press, and that bitch never called me back, so..." "Screw her!" "She has me." "Wow." "You ladies are living some fucked-up version of the American dream." "You have to tell me, what do these guys say?" "Is it all like penis in vagina?" "Where do the dicks go?" "I've had phone anal." "You had phanal?" "Oh, my God, I'm so good at that!" "Can I work for you guys?" "No!" "It's girls only." "No." "(GROANS)" "This stinks." "No fair." "KATIE:" "I could be the unicorn this time if you want." "SEAN:" "Actually, I was thinking since we both..." "Hey, sorry I wasn't here for your call at 10:00, but I had to get out of this apartment." "You know, it's okay." "I was thinkin' maybe we could meet up?" "In person?" "What?" "Well, we haven't had phone sex in a week and we still talk every day." "And I loved your essay and you made it through my short film." "It's kind of like we're already dating, so I thought maybe we could meet up?" "Like Friday?" "Hello?" "(SEAN GROANS)" "I fucked this up." "I'm sorry." "Okay, let's do it." "Really?" "You don't have to." "No." "No, I want to." "I do, I really want to." "Shaquanda, I can't wait to meet you." "Oh, yeah." "Urn..." "Actually my name is Katie." "Hello." "Lauren?" "Lauren?" "Lauren?" "Hey." "What?" "What were you doing in there?" "I was working." "What?" "Did you just have phone sex?" "Do we not run a phone sex line?" "Well, yeah, but..." "You slut!" "You just put your fingers in your puss!" "Ew!" "No!" "You know that a little pony dies every time you do that." "Did you wash your hands?" "Maybe I didn't!" "Ew!" "Whatever." "You must do it all the time." "Ew." "No." "You're not that good of an actress." "Anyways..." "Um... 10:00 Sean lives in Brooklyn." "That is not just a billing address." "And now we have a date on Friday night." "So." "No." "Why not?" "I don't know, 'cause he's probably a rapist." "Oh, please!" "Don't judge him." "You and I are the ones on the phone." "Please?" "I haven't been on a date in forever." "Now I've had a taste of the outside world!" "I want more!" "It's just gonna be a cool bar in Brooklyn." "I'll come home, I promise." "Fine." "But you play by my rules." "What are your rules?" "You'll see on Friday, won't you?" "Is that a new shower head?" "Yeah." "It pulsates." "On my body." "Cute dance." "Okay." "That's good." "I, literally, never wanna see that dance ever again." "Oh!" "You just blinded me with that dance." "I am now blinded." "These are the rules." "Step one, put these on." "Way too small for me." "That's the point, okay?" "10:00 will never be able to get in these." "It is rape-prevention wear at its best." "Oh, for Christ's sake!" "Okay, step two." "Bug spray." "What?" "I didn't know where to buy mace and I just figured it'll do the same thing when you spray him in the face." "What the hell kind of purse would that even fit in?" "You can borrow my tote." "I've already filled it with some other stuff." "What, no canned goods for my survival?" "All right, I'll take it." "Hell, throw it in my new tote bag!" "I am ready to survive date rape!" "Ta-da!" "(LAUGHING)" "Can I please get one drink?" "Please?" "My blood alcohol level's dangerously low." "No, you're leaving." "Don't make me go." "I don't wanna go back to that apartment." "I'm outside." "Guys!" "Is that him?" "Is that him?" "He looks like T.T. Barber." "All right, I need you both to, like, bring it down a notch." "All right?" "I will know him when I see him." "Is that him?" "Look at that lumberjack." "A lot of bears here." "You like a bear." "I like a bear." "Katie?" "Yes." "Hi." "Hi." "Wow!" "You are really pretty." "And you are really pretty, too." "I'm sorry." "I didn't know you were bringing people." "That's cool." "These are just my overprotective friends that are gonna be leaving in a second." "I'm Katie's Lauren." "Hello." "Hi." "What's up, man?" "Jesse Lawson." "Hey." "How are you doing?" "Good." "You like comedy?" "Do you like to laugh?" "Check it out." "You're welcome to come." "It's a $10 cover." "Two drink minimum." "Great." "Yeah." "Okay." "Awesome." "Okay, good." "I'm good, guys." "My word." "Nice to meet you." "Nice meeting you." "Bye." "I'm just gonna say this." "I do not think it's weird at all that you guys met on a phone sex line." "I don't think it's weird." "'Cause, you know what?" "Fuck it." "Life is weird, right?" "LAUREN:" "Let's go." "No." "I was in the shower this morning and have you ever thought about hair?" "Think about human hair." "Let's go." "Some's curly, some's..." "It's weird." "Bye." "Don't worry about it." "All right." "Sorry." "Sweet." "Yes." "Sweet as can be." "And very funny." "Yeah." "Well, he's a comedian, you know, so." "Nice to finally meet you." "All right." "Let's do it." "Ready." "Okay." "Cheers." "Cheers." "You're right." "This is so much more comfortable than being at the bar." "Can I open my eyes now?" "No." "You cannot look at me and I cannot look at you." "It's easier this way." "Trust me." "You know, I approached two other girls before I found you." "I met a Christina and a Lily." "No, you didn't." "I saw you walk in and you walked right towards me." "No, I know, you're right." "I knew it was you." "You're cute." "You better not be peeking." "I'm not." "Let's open our eyes anyway, okay?" "(INHALES) Okay." "Okay." "Count of three." "One, two, three." "(MOANING)" "(LAUREN MOANING ON RECORDING)" "Put it anywhere." "KATIE:" "Lauren!" "LAUREN ON RECORDING:" "Put it anywhere." "You're home!" "How was it?" "It was great!" "Did you smoke that whole joint?" "Uh-huh." "Tell me about your date." "(SIGHS)" "It was amazing." "It was, like, the best date I have ever been on." "It was never awkward." "And then we started kissing, which, by the way, was just..." "He was so good." "And then..." "What?" "Did he get in my Spanx?" "No." "What?" "Well, I got my period when I was 12 and I wasn't close with my mom, so I called my older, cooler cousin Wendy and I went over to her house." "I bike ride-ed over and she brought me into the bathroom to do the whole tampon tutorial, you know what I mean?" "And like we're standing there, legs open, flaps open." "Are you with me?" "Mmm-hmm." "I'm just stoned." "Okay." "And jamming it up there and I'm trying to make it fit and there's blood everywhere and it just looks like this horrible murder scene and I look over and that's when I see it." "A wart." "You had genital warts at 12?" "Not on me!" "On Wendy's left labia!" "And she saw me see it." "Obviously I was horrified, and that's when she said it to me," ""If you don't want one of these, don't have sex in high school."" ""After that, just make sure you're in love with whoever it is."" "And no one was ever in love with me." "I'm a virgin." "Oh, no, no, no." "No, that can't be true." "Yes, it is." "I've never even had a boyfriend." "But I went to college with you." "I thought you were the school slut." "Well, that's what everyone thought." "But I wasn't doing any of it." "I was just talking a lot of shit." "And then I just got so scared around guys, I would just like clam up." "You just..." "All the time?" "You don't ever?" "Just stop looking at me!" "I'm just all talk, literally!" "Okay." "Tina Fey lost her virginity at, like, 27." "Okay?" "And she's pretty cool, I think." "And you are gonna be mind-blowing at sex." "I mean, if your body can keep up with your mouth, you are gonna make some guy's head just pop right off his neck." "And being in love when you do it?" "Only gonna make it better." "I have an idea." "(SIGHS)" "Bum-bada-bum!" "These are yours." "Use them." "That way, when you're ready for Sean, or whoever else is lucky enough to fall in love with you, you'll be ready." "Okay." "Maybe not Earl." "How about this one?" "Kevin." "Thanks, Ren." "(VIBRATING)" "BOTH: 1-900-MMM-HMMM." "That's 1-900-M-M-M-H-M-M-M." "And cut!" "Yeah, it's still feeling a little stiff." "Really?" "Well, no, I mean, I'd call." "I mean, I already did call." "Maybe you guys should have a drink." "It doesn't take much, friend." "Can you get me a glass of wine, please?" "Will you get me a glass of wine, please, too?" "Yeah, fine." "I just think a little bit more like, "Are you alone?"" "Well, we'll talk about it." "I just felt like you weren't in the tub." "All right." "We'll do better!" "LAUREN:" "Thank you." "Thank you!" "(GASPS) I just saw your nipple!" "(HORNS HONKING)" "I can never find my keys in this bag." "I don't know why you don't use that zipper compartment." "(CELL PHONE RINGING)" "Oh, my God." "It's Laxton Press!" "Well, I'm not gonna get it." "I'm never talking to that bitch ever again." "No, get it!" "I have an idea." "Get it!" "Hello?" "This is Lauren Powell." "(GASPS)" "You are a vision in my dress!" "My God!" "I want to go with you to the interview." "I can't believe I'm gonna tell Laxton Press to shove it." "Are you sure I'm doing the right thing?" "Yes!" "You have nothing to lose." "It's not like you're gonna work there." "Go in there and tell her what a good phone fucker you are and then come home to me and we can celebrate 'cause it's commercial night!" "I have something I wanna say." "Have you been masturbating again?" "Because you don't have to tell me every time." "No, no, no, no." "It's not that." "I love you." "Should we hug or something?" "Yeah." "Okay!" "Okay." "Go have fun at your bogus interview." "Make that lady feel sorry she never hired you in the first place." "Hmm." "You're different." "What's going on here?" "Oh!" "Oh." "I've been running a phone sex line." "You?" "Yeah, that's funny." "For reals?" "Is it for charity?" "(CELL PHONE RINGING)" "Hi, Jess." "Hi, Katie!" "I'm here with Zelda." "Doesn't she look a lot like a young Carol Channing?" "She's so cute." "Hey, who's ready to put some of my famous bean dip in their mouths while watching the first cut of our phone sex commercial?" "I am!" "I am!" "Ooh-ooh!" "Hey, is Lauren back yet?" "From her power play interview?" "No, not yet." "I have to say, I think what you guys are doing is so weird and Single White Female-y, but then again, I'm stroking Zelda like I'm a Bond villain." "So, who am I to talk about weird?" "Did you get the DVD?" "(DOORBELL RINGING) Yes, it's already in the player." "Wait, somebody's here." "I got to go." "I can't wait to see you." "Bye!" "We're back!" "Hey." "(LAUGHS)" "Hi." "Can we come in?" "Yes, yes, please." "Come on in." "Nice to see you." "Nice to see you!" "Hey, you." "And you!" "We could really use a strong female editor that wants to grow with our company." "Just somebody like you that understands a good business model." "I know you've had a fun summer doing phone sex." "It's a phase." "I love a good phase." "I'm a hasbian." "I made love to a woman with crooked bangs for six months." "Are you following me back to reality?" "'Cause what happens?" "What happens when you're crossing Seventh Avenue, holding that hot soy latte, and a cab comes out of nowhere and just takes you out?" "And you don't have benefits?" "Are you really gonna be a phone sex operator the rest of your life?" "Take the job, Lauren." "This place just looks great." "The balloons are really festive." "Thank you." "Hard not to focus on this here." "This..." "What?" "What are you talking about?" "(LAUGHS) Just kidding." "I know." "We're having a bachelorette party here tonight and I had 'em and I thought, "Hell, I'll throw 'em on the table."" "LAUREN ON RECORDING:" "Titty fuck me!" "Stoop sale." "You get the damnedest things there." "You guys, I just wanna tell you" "Lauren and I have been having such an amazing summer." "I honestly feel like she is my sister." "Which, cha-ching, makes you guys my parents!" "I always wanted normal parents." "(GIGGLES)" "Hi." "What time was her appointment?" "KATIE: 2:00." "It was at 2:00." "Man, I cannot wait to hear about that, huh?" "Hi." "Another surprise visit?" "SCOTT:" "There's my girl!" "(SIGHS)" "Honey, my goodness, what are you wearing, sweetie?" "I can see your bra." "Never mind." "Sweetheart, you get the job?" "KATIE:" "How was it?" "It was really good." "It was a great interview." "They actually offered me the job right on the spot." "I know, it has insurance and a 401 (K) plan." "The position is really, really fantastic." "So..." "So I took it." "SCOTT:" "This is great news!" "We have to celebrate!" "Are you serious?" "ADELE:" "Honey, I am so proud." "Why don't you change and we'll all go have a big lunch at Sarabeth's." "Put on something that fits 'cause you know we always run into Daddy's work friends there." "LAUREN:" "Katie, why don't you come to my room with me and you can help me pick out an outfit, and I'll tell you more about the job." "I'm sure you'll be fine on your own." "Okay." "KATIE:" "Mom, Dad." "I would love to tell you more about our special summer because Lauren has been so shy about it, but at our party tonight we were gonna have a screening of something we made and I would love to share it with you." "Please." "Sure." "Come with me, will you?" "Oh!" "So exciting!" "I love an audience." "(SEXY MUSIC PLAYING)" "Oh, hi." "(GIGGLES SEDUCTIVELY)" "It's nice to see you." "Do you ever wonder why you're alone in the tub?" "It's so lonely when you're in the tub alone, isn't it?" "You don't have to be so lonely any more." "If you have one of these." "You can just give me a call." "(GIRLS GIGGLING ON VIDEO)" "The bubbles were all her idea, by the way." "I mean, she's a smart cookie, that one." "ADELE:" "I'm gonna be sick." "What the hell is wrong with you?" "What?" "I was just catching your parents up on what a beautiful summer we've had." "While we're at it, should I tell them about how Morty fired you?" "Or do you wanna tell them?" "Oops!" "Cat's out of the bag, sorry." "I should have never moved in with you." "If you'll excuse me, I have an errand to run." "It's dirty money." "(DOOR SLAMS)" "Okay." "I know that you're really more of a business manager and you're not actually listening to guys..." "(DOOR CLOSING)" "I know you're mad." "Just because you don't give a shit about your parents doesn't mean I don't care about mine." "I know." "And I'm sorry." "Okay?" "No." "No, it is not okay!" "You lied to me!" "I did not know that I was gonna take that job." "And it's not even that big of a deal." "I can still help out here." "Well, don't do me any favors." "If you were my real friend, you would understand why I took that job." "Excuse me!" "Real friend?" "I am not the one that lied to my partner today." "That's hilarious, because last time I checked, you lied about being a whore." "I go off and I do one thing by myself and you prove to be some insecure virgin." "You make me feel like I will never be good enough for you." "So why don't you and your shit get out of my apartment?" "This is our apartment." "I told you I loved you this morning." "And you were too scared to say it back." "I wasn't too scared." "I just don't love you." "(DOOR CLOSING)" "Who wants some bean dip?" "KATIE:" "Oh, yeah, that feels good." "(MOANING ROBOTICALLY)" "Oh, yeah." "Yeah, I want you to finger-bang me in the shower." "Uh..." "Why don't you just flip me over and do me from behind?" "Are you even listening?" "No, I do like it." "It's so depressing." "You know, I call you, I get one phone call a week." "This is so fucking depressing." "This is more depressing than the macaroni necklace that my kid sends me." "What the shit am I supposed to do with that in here?" "Just tell me what you want." "Well, what I want, Sandy, is for you to get your head in the fucking game!" "That's what I want!" "What I want is for you to start taking Discover card again." "That's the one we use in here." "What I want is for you to keep doing two on ones." "What I want is to not have to make a dildo out of soap, okay?" "It hurts!" "It takes a long time." "But you know that's not what we all get." "We don't all get that." "But now what I'm gonna have to do, what I didn't want to do, is go to your house and steal your fucking dog, and then steal your car." "And then, when you come outside to look for your dog, you'll say, "Oh, where's my dog?" "Where's my dog?"" "Oh, bam!" "I'm gonna hit you with my car!" "I'm gonna vehicular manslaughter you because that is what I do." "That's what I do." "I don't even have a car." "I'll lick your pussy." "No, you don't wanna do that." "We don't get razors in here." "Kind of lost the mood now, anyway." "(SIGHS)" "RACHEL:" "Lauren." "Happy hour." "Ruby Foo's." "Sake bombs." "4:00 to 7:00, half price, all the apps you can eat." "Hot Asian guys." "Let's go." "Okay, just give me a minute." "SEAN:" "I have a plan." "Yeah?" "Yeah." "My lease is up soon." "I could move in here with you." "Ohh. (INHALES DEEPLY)" "Yeah." "No." "We're not there yet." "But thanks for offering." "We should probably, like, have sex before we live together." "Yes." "That's a great idea." "Not today." "But soon." "Thank you so much for letting me stay here." "I promise, I'm gonna find a place so soon." "No, I totally like having you here." "(CELL PHONE RINGING)" "I love having my own living space, though." "But, you know." "God, this Greek yogurt is so good." "Who is that?" "I'm gonna take this." "I'll be right back." "Who is that?" "Who is it?" "(WHIMPERS)" "Oh, girl." "Who has she replaced me with?" "You're never gonna replace me, are you?" "'Cause I love you." "(SINGING)" "(BLOWS RASPBERRY)" "Do you have any tens?" "No, I do not." "You must go fish." "Do you have any sixes?" "Yes!" "Do you have any fives?" "This is stupid." "Stop being such a girl and call Lauren." "Let's have sex." "Come on." "Okay." "Oh, wow." "(SIGHS HEAVILY)" "Now what?" "And the wine and the cheese and the gelato and..." "Just everything about it was so fresh." "It was vivacious." "And so, on this one day, I decided to take a little stroll." "You know, I'm feeling high on life." "You know, the case is going great, so I walk up this hill and I'm walking up, and all of a sudden" "I see this little shoe shop in the corner." "Okay, and I'm walking in and this old couple, they fall in love with me." "I mean, they just take me in like I'm their own." "The old woman, you know, she's probably 82, she starts making risotto and it smells..." "You would love it, it smells so good." "And the old man, he gets out this old contraption and he starts measuring my feet." "And then it starts raining outside, pouring." "So I said to the guy, "Listen, I got to go."" ""You know, thank you." "I had a great time." "I got to leave."" "And he grabs my shoe and he won't let me go." "And he..." "I'm..." "How's the new job?" "How's that?" "It's good." "It's really good." "I'm learning..." "That's great." "Listen." "I forgot to tell you." "They are grooming me for partner now that I saved the job in Italy." "And, you know, I'm kind of enjoying the job now." "Kind of a thing, so that's good." "You Okay?" "Mmm-hmm." "Is that okay?" "Sorry, I get a little..." "I'm just so nervous." "It's okay." "It's okay, just..." "Just relax." "You know what?" "I have an idea." "(CELL PHONE RINGING)" "No, just get it." "I'll only be one second." "Hello?" "Hello." "Well, this is silly." "Mmm-hmm." "You feel so good." "I've been wanting to do this since the first time I heard your voice." "I've wanted this, too." "CHARLIE:" "Yeah, after I saved that case in Italy they thought," ""Okay, this is a guy we've got to make something of."" "Look, Lauren, there is a reason that I asked to see you today." "And that's because I realized that I made a mistake." "I should have never left you." "You're my person." "I am?" "I'm gonna shoot you straight." "When I was in Italy," "I had a brief yet intense relationship with a Sicilian woman." "Okay?" "And at first, it was exhilarating." "The passion was immense." "But then the fighting would start, Laur, and..." "And slaps across my face, screaming, and doors slamming, and..." "It was exhausting." "And I started to think about you and what I love about you." "And you're so simple." "You know?" "Lauren, I want you back in my life." "Back in my apartment." "I got a place on the Upper East Side." "Come home with me." "Babe, bring the NuvaRing." "You know?" "I wanna feel it." "You're an asshole." "I'm leaving." "Wait, no." "Okay, I'm not an asshole." "Yes, Lauren, I was an asshole." "But now it's out of my system and I want you back." "You know, you've been calling me for months." "I made a lot of calls this summer, Charlie." "Turns out you were right." "We were boring." "And you still are." "You're not my person." "You were never my person." "(MOANING)" "I think I just came." "I love Lauren." "But I'm inside of you." "I know." "I think I might love you, too." "But she would be so proud of me right now." "And I just wanna tell her, but I can't tell her." "Because I hate her and she hates me, so." "I think I love you, too." "Now call her." "Do it." "ON VOICEMAIL:" "Hey, it's Lauren." "Sorry I missed your call." "Leave me a message and I'll call you back." "What the fuck?" "ON VOICEMAIL:" "Hi, it's Katie." "Leave a message." "Really?" "Fuck!" "See?" "(LAUGHS)" "(CELL PHONE RINGING)" "It's me." "Please don't hang up." "I love you." "I love you!" "And I'm out of breath because you've been running through my mind all day and I'm coming!" "I'm coming!" ""I'm Coming!" "I'm coming!"" "You're coming to me?" "Yes!" "Yes!" "Yes!" "Are you close?" "I'm so close." "I'm down the street." "I wanna be with you." "Please let me come inside." "I want you to come inside." "I want you!" "I want you so hard!" "Come to me!" "Come to me!" "I love you back!" "LAUREN:" "I love you, too!" "I think I love you." "I know I love you, but..." "Okay, I can't stop saying it!" "I'm close!" "I'm so close!" "Here I come!" "Oh, this feels so good!" "I know!" "I know!" "I love you." "I love you." "I love you." "Now I can't stop saying it!" "Where are you?" "I'm here!" "I missed you!" "I missed you." "You're so sweaty!" "I just ran 11 blocks in heels!" "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." "You know I love you." "I don't know why I didn't say it that morning and I should have." "No." "I was wrong to take the job without talking to you." "Of course you took the job." "What are you gonna do, not take it?" "Who am I to stand in the way of your dream job?" "Can I come home?" "Obvs." "But what are you wearing?" "What are you, like the Gramercy Park flasher now?" "Charlie called me and I went to see him and I thought that I would wear this because I thought that maybe he would like it." "(GASPS)" "Oh, my God!" "Who wears this?" "All right." "Let's get you inside and put on something sensible." "Oh, my God!" "Speaking of letting people inside..." "I let Sean inside, my vagina!" "We just had sex!" "Oh, my God!" "I mean, "ow" at first, but then out of this world." "I have to hear all the details." "Oh, I have details." "Like, who knew their stuff runs right out as soon as they're done?" "And it's so warm." "I got some running down my leg right now!" "(POP MUSIC PLAYING)" "(ENGLISH US" " SDH)"