""The List"" "I'm going down to South Park, gonna have myself a time," "Friendly faces everywhere, humble folks without temptation," "I'm going down to South Park, gonna leave my woes behind," "Ample parking day or night, people shouting howdy neighbor," "I'm heading on down to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind," "I like fucking silly bitches and I know my penis likes it." "So come on down to South Park and meet some friends of mine," "Fellas!" "Fellas!" "It's--Oh my god!" "You're not gonna believe this!" "Dude, Butters, calm down." "Okay." "Okay." "I was talking to Pete Wetchney and he said that Danny Chadwick said that his sister told him that the girls in our class have a list that rates every boy's looks from cutest to ugliest." " So who do they say is the cutest?" " I don't know." " Who do they say is the ugliest?" " I don't know." "It's like a girl thing." "They won't let anybody see the list but them." "They can't do that." "Who are they to judge us on how we look?" "Yeah." "You think they rate us just for looks or they take personality into account?" "If it's just looks then I think I'm safe." "You guys, who cares if the girls make some stupid list?" "Girls make dumb lists all the time." "Yeah, Kyle's right." "Screw it, we have better things to worry about." "You're just saying that because you know you're gonna be very last on the list!" "Oh please, I don't think so, Craig!" "Chicks think I'm way hotter than you!" "You don't think they put the fat tub of lard at the bottom?" "No, because chicks know I'm not fat!" "I'm buff." "They probably put you at the bottom of the list because you have fucked up teeth!" "Or Kenny 'cause he's poor." "They didn't put me at the bottom, did they?" "Kenny, face it:" "Girls don't wanna eat Pop Tarts for dinner every night when they get married." "You don't think they said I'm the ugliest boy in the class, do ya?" "Well if they did, my parents will ground me." "You guys, do you really care what a bunch of girls have to say about how you rank in looks?" " All right, Bebe, let's see the list." " What?" "You know what I'm talking about, bitch!" "The list where you rate the looks of each boy in the class!" "That's not for boys to look at!" "It's a secret girl list and you can't see it." "Craig is on the bottom, right?" "Or is it Kenny because you'd be eating Pop Tarts for dinner if you married him?" "I'm not telling!" "And anyway, I'm not the list keeper, Nelly is." "And Nelly will never let you look at it, so there!" "Fuck you, Bebe!" "Fuck you, bitch!" "Well, I guess we're never gonna get that list from the girls." "Screw that, dude!" "We're guys." "We can outthink them." "All right, here's what we know." "That chick Nelly is the one who's in charge of holding the list, right?" "She apparently keeps it in a purple Pee Chee folder and we need a plan to get it from her." "This is what I call:" ""Operation:" "Cannot Possibly Fail"" "Neato!" "At 1 PM tomorrow, Nelly will have to walk from Home Ec to Social Studies." "That's our best time to strike." "As she makes her way through Hallway 3," "Craig will be ready with a distraction device here." "When she stops and turns to Craig in the hallway," "Butters will run up and kick her in the balls." "Okay!" "Once Butters kicks her in the balls, she'll fall to the floor, dropping the Pee Chee, and Kenny will swoop in from Corridor 3-Delta and grab the Pee Chee." "Are we good?" "What you do that for?" "Hey, what's your problem, asshole?" "Bail, bail!" "Okay, our mission failed, but we've learned a lot." "Primarily that girls do not have balls." "They sure don't." "Nevermind because we are going to Plan B." "One that I call "Operation:" "Cannot Possibly Fail A Second Time."" "When Nelly leaves the cafeteria for recess," "Kenny will jump in front of her and spit on the ground." "You think maybe girls keep their balls on the inside of their tummies?" "Butters, we're done talking about girls balls right now!" "Pay attention!" " We got it!" "We got it!" " We got the list from the girls!" "Give that back, you dirty buttholes!" "Tape it to the wall, Kenny!" "Jason, watch the door!" "It's listed in order from cutest to ugliest." "Clyde's number one." "Me?" "I'm the cutest?" " And then Token and then me." " I'm number two?" "Wow!" "Come on, let me see!" "Let me see!" "Oh boy!" "I'm number 11!" "Whoopie!" "Number 11!" "Ah!" "Look at that!" "I'm hotter than you, fatso!" "What?" "!" "That's bullcrap!" "Oh, so big deal, guys!" "Do you feel better now?" "Clyde's the best-looking kid in the class." "And then Token and Stan." "And last is Francis, Cartman, and..." "Me?" "You're last, dude!" " No way." " Yes way!" "Check it out!" " Cartman, lay off!" "You're next to last." " So?" "I'm hotter than Kyle." "I'm better looking than Kyle!" "Yes!" "I'm hotter than Kyle!" "I'm hotter than Kyle!" "I'm last?" "Last?" "Dude, it's just a stupid list, remember?" "I got voted the ugliest boy in whole class?" "Who cares what dumb girls think, right?" "Mom, Dad!" "I'm not the ugliest kid in the class!" "Kyle Broflovski is!" " Well, good for you, Butters." " Way to go, champ." "Whoopie!" "Well, guess we don't have to ground him." "Kyle, what's the matter?" "You barely touched your knishes." "The girls at school." "They made a list and voted me the ugliest boy." "What?" "That's ridiculous." "My little bubbeleh is adorable!" "Look, I know I'm not the best-looking guy in town, but I-I didn't think I was the very ugliest." "You're not ugly, Kyle." "You're my perfect little man." "You look just like your father." "Oh God!" "I do?" "But he has his mother's nose." "Kyle, you are very handsome and perfect in every way." "Ike, Ike, you have to be honest." "Am I ugly, yes or no?" "You all think I'm ugly." "Jesus Christ, the least you could have done is told me!" "Kyle, come back here!" "I'm better-looking than you!" "The girls think I'm better-looking than you, Kyle!" "Dude, Kyle." "Can you hear me?" "They totally think I'm hotter than you are." "Kyle!" "Kyle, I'm more attractive." "Kyle?" "Clyde, it's time to be getting to bed." "Hey, what's going on?" "What's going on?" "Hey." "Oh yeah, hey, wassup?" "What's going on?" "Nice." " Hey, what's going on?" " Hey, Clyde." " Hey." " Hi, Clyde." "What's going on?" "Hey, ugly!" "Hey, Kyle." "Look man, it doesn't matter what people think, okay?" "You know, Abraham Lincoln was super ugly too, but look what he accomplished." "Chin up, cowboy." " Hey, what's going on?" " Oh, not much, just hanging around" "Hey, nice, nice ears." "Pizza Face!" "Butters, that's not cool, man." "He can't help how he looks." "Kyle, I was going to suggest that maybe you should... hang out with the other ugly kids in the school." "Because if you hang out with them, you won't stand out so much." "Right?" "Cool." "Hey." "Hello." "Are you going to eat your pickle?" "Could somebody toss the football back?" "It's over there next to the ugly kids." "I hate coming to this school." "It makes me angry." "Yeah." "Sometimes, I just want to burn it down." "Burn the whole school down to the ground!" "No." "You know what?" "Screw this!" "We aren't ugly!" " We're not?" " No!" "Maybe we all just need a little image change, you know?" "Like a makeover." "Hey, yeah." "Like you!" "Maybe you just need to let your hair down." "And let's see how you look without those glasses." "Let's just put those back on." "I know, that song is so awesome." " Wendy." "Could I talk to you?" " Of course, Stan." "Just for a minute." "Over here." "You think he's gonna beg her to come back to him?" "This is a nice surprise." "I thought you were never speaking to me again." "Yeah well, I wanna talk to you about this list you girls made." "Which one?" "We make lists all the time." "The one where you rated the boys' looks in the class." "Look, it really messed Kyle up, okay?" "How could you vote him the ugliest?" "Look, personally, I didn't vote him the ugliest." "My vote was for Eric Cartman." "But enough of the other girls must have felt he was" "So it was unanimous." "Maybe you can just change the list." "Change the list?" "Do you have any idea what that would take?" "Maybe you don't understand how important list-making is to girls!" "It's just not something we do flippantly." "There's protocol!" "Can't we just talk to all the girls who made the list and find out why they voted Kyle last?" "All right, I'll try and get you into our next list-making meeting." "But it won't be easy." "Today's list meeting is called to order." "Rebecca, you have the floor." "If it pleases and sparkles, I suggest we continue deliberations on List 47D:" "Which Girl Has The Cutest Purse?" "Rebecca moves we work on List 47D." "Does that sparkle with all the girls?" "Sunshine." "Deliberating "Which Girl Has The Cutest Purse"?" "Milly has the floor." "If it pleases and sparkles," "I would like to submit that Jennifer's purse is by far the cutest." "Definitely cuter than Teresa's." "I don't think anyone here disagrees that Jennifer's purse is cuter than Teresa's, but it doesn't make it the cutest." "The committee has already decided that nothing with stripes can be in the top five cutest purses." "Sunshine Sparkle Wendy has the floor." "If it pleases and sparkles, I would like to suggest that we..." "That we reopen last week's list for debate." "Is she actually crazy?" "Is she crazy?" "All right, come before the Rainbow Railing." "Go ahead." "I was just thinking that maybe you voted a little hastily on the cutest boy?" "You thought you should be number one?" "No." "Let me assure you that no list is made hastily by this committee." "He didn't mean that." "He was just saying maybe we should open it up again for discussion." "I cannot, by Sparkle Law, move to have an old list investigated." "However, if you can find recourse for such an inquiry, Wendy," "I would review it." "Does that sparkle with all the girls?" "Sunshine." "They all laugh at me!" "And the girls giggle behind my back!" "Unable to even glance at my disfigured face." "Do not burn down the school, Kyle." " Who said that?" " I did." " Do you know who I am?" " Abraham Lincoln?" "I am Abraham Lincoln." "Burning down the school will not solve your problems." "You think you've been cheated because you are ugly, but I am here to show you otherwise." "Come!" "There is much to see." "I want you to look in here." "This woman is Nancy Pinkerton." "As a child, she was consistently voted the most beautiful girl in her entire school." "Her life as a youth was filled with praises and everything being handed to her." "Boys told her she was special." "She was funny." "She was interesting." "But that's only because she was hot." "It wasn't until she reached age 40, when her looks started to fade, that she learned she was actually about as interesting and special, as a wet carrot." "This is the home of your new ugly friend, Yamal." "Because he's ugly, he gets nothing handed to him." "He has to work at making something of himself." "But that work is gonna pay off when he's an adult." "He will have character, something kids who are hot rarely develop." "Like your classmate, Clyde." "Now that he knows he's good-looking, he doesn't have to make any effort to be special." "No, Rebecca's just a friend." "I wanna be with you now." "Sure, yeah, I'll buy you some shoes too." "Now his life will be about girls." "Chatting with them on the phone and buying them shoes." "He will most likely marry very young, and not realize until age 40 that he's a total douche." "And so you see, Kyle, it is actually the beautiful kids who are cursed." "But I can't wait to be an adult to be happy." "That's forever from now." " You must be patient." " Just take me home!" "I don't wanna be here anymore." "Take me home!" "Very well." "Kyle, you need to think about what I've told you." "I don't want to!" "I don't want anybody telling me how to feel anymore!" "Well then, you're just a fucking asshole!" "Wait a minute." "Wait, Stan, I think I've got something!" "Take a look at this:" "During final deliberation of the list for cutest boy, seven girls gave Clyde a glitter rating of only one sparkle." "I have no idea what you're talking about." "It doesn't add up." "It is possible that Rebecca made a mistake when she tallied the sunshine votes onto the final list." "Oh, hey, Wendy." "Hey, Rebecca." "Do you still have the voter cards for the list that rated the boys' looks?" "Wendy, we're done with that list." "I know, but I think there's been a mistake." "Six of the girls I've talked to didn't vote Clyde the cutest." "That means that mathematically, he should have been" "All right, you need to stop..." "digging... around, Wendy!" "You might not like what you find!" "Just back off and stop asking questions!" "You're getting close to a secret that I don't think you can handle." "Let it go!" "That didn't sparkle with her, did it?" "One canister of propane, six cans of lighter fluid, seven gallons of high-octane kerosene and a box of matches." "Okay, is that everything, little boy?" "That should just about do it." "Do you like to put this on your True-Value card today?" "Honorary Chair, Mrs. Secretary," "I believe a member of our committee has tampered with one of our lists." "I've compiled a full report and it turns out that nobody voted Clyde the cutest in the class." "I believe Rebecca changed the list to make him number one." " Why would she do that?" " Right after the list was made," "Rebecca started going out with Clyde." "You can read all the discrepancies in here." "We need to remake that list." "You just couldn't let it go." " What do you mean?" "Call the girls in." " I'm afraid we can't do that, Wendy!" "Did you know, Wendy, that Clyde's father owns the shoe store at the mall?" "A lot of us have always wanted to date Clyde to get free shoes, but we couldn't, because he wasn't popular enough." "You knew!" "Unfortunately, the members voted Clyde in the bottom five of the list!" "That's why we had to manipulate the votes, forge a new list and hide the real one." "So that you all could justify dating Clyde and get shoes?" "How dare you take advantage of your position!" "I'm gonna tell Bebe and have you both disbarred from the list committee!" "Bebe?" "Who do you think authorized the buyout?" "No." "Not Bebe." "She's dating Clyde now." "Nobody loves shoes more than her." "What's going on?" "When the other girls find out you ignored their votes, they're gonna" "Do you really think they'll believe you over the heads of the committee?" "We'll simple generate a new list!" ""Biggest Liars"!" "And put you at the top!" "Do yourself a favor, Wendy." "Just let it go." "And keep your little mouth shut!" "I don't think so!" "Stan, run!" "Jesus, dude!" "Hey, kid, have you seen Kyle?" "We've looked everywhere and we have to show him something." " He's burning down the school." " What?" "He said he gonna burn the school down to the ground." "All the cruel jokes and ridicule will finally be over!" "Are you happy now, God?" "You made me look like this!" " Kyle!" "Kyle, don't!" " Don't try and stop me, Stan!" "You don't know how it feels to be a deformed monstrosity!" "The list was a forgery, Kyle!" "It didn't sparkle with all the girls." "We have the real list." "That's about far enough!" "Give me that list, Wendy!" " Stan, what is going on?" " It was about shoes, Kyle." "The girls wanted shoes, so they set you up." "Kyle was simply a casualty." "To move Clyde meant Craig had to be moved to number twelve, which moved Jimmy down and moved Jason up!" "So what number was I?" "You've compromised everything!" "Our list's integrity!" "Did you see these shoes, Wendy?" "They're incredible!" "It doesn't matter how incredible they are." "You can't" " Oh my God, those are amazing." " Right?" " Is that a lace across the top?" " No, it's a little strap." "Wendy?" "Oh." "But it doesn't matter." "You took it too far!" "If you hadn't gone all Nancy Drew on us, this would have just gone away!" " She's gonna kill us?" " It's too late, Bebe." "I've already made a full report and sent a copy to the police." "People will know." "Oh please, you're lying." "Give it up, Bebe." "We know all about it." "The list was compromised." "Kyle Broflovski is not the ugliest boy in the class." "Wendy!" " Wait, I didn't do anything wrong." " You can explain all that downtown." "Here, Kyle." "We've been through a lot, but you can finally see where you really are on the list." "Are you sure you're okay with this, Kyle?" "I'm sure." "Abe Lincoln was right." "I don't wanna find out I'm good-looking and become a total shithead when I grow up." "Abe Lincoln?" "Stan, it's been really great hanging out with you again." "I feel like you've changed somehow." "In a really awesome way." "Yeah well, I guess a lot of things change, don't they?"