"# I'll fetch the suitcase from the van" "# 'Cause if you want the best 'uns But you don't ask questions" "# Then, brother, I'm your man" "# Just where it all comes from is a mystery" "# It's like the changing of the seasons And the tides of the sea" "# But here's the one that's driving me berserk:" "# Why do only fools and horses work #" "That Sidney Potter's a good actor, ain't he, Rodney?" "He was marvellous in Guess Who's Coming To Dinner." "(RODNEY) Yeah, knockout, Grandad." " Sidney Potter?" " Yeah, you know him." "Always plays the black fella." " Sidney Poitier!" " Sidney Potter." " (RODNEY) It's Poitier." " It's Potter!" " It's bloody Poitier, I'm telling you!" " And I'm telling you it's bloody Potter!" " Are you two at it again?" " Del..." "How do you pronounce that fella's name on the telly?" "Sidney Poitier or Potter?" "Personally, I'd pronounce it Harry Belafonte, but you two please yourselves." "You daft old sod!" "It was Harry Belafonte all along." "Well, I wondered why Sidney Potter kept bursting into song!" "I don't like Harry Belafonte." "(DEL) S'ilvous plait, s'ilvous plait!" "What an enigma!" "I get better looking every day." "I can't wait for tomorrow." "Oh!" "Do you know, I think I'm suffering from something incurable." "Still, never mind, eh?" "Come on, Rodney, shake a leg." "We've got a meeting at 12." "What're you doing?" " Our accounts." " You keeping accounts now?" "!" "Well, there you are, Grandad." "A lot of people said I was a right dipstick to make my brother a partner in the business." "But this only goes to prove how bloody right they were." "You dozy little twonk, Rodney!" "This is prima-facie evidence." "The taxman gets that, he'll put us away." "Don't worry, if the taxman comes, I'll eat it." "It's the only way to keep a check on you." "I'm sure you're cheating me in some way, I just can't figure out how." "Cheating you?" "Cheating you?" "!" " What's that rumbling noise?" " I didn't hear nothing." "It's all right." "It's Mum turning in her grave." "Don't start that again, Del." "It's obvious you're stitching me up." "Look at you, you have 3 or 4 changes of clothes a day!" "Me, I've got one suit come from an Almost New shop." " It's embarrassing sometimes." " Oh!" "I embarrass you, do I?" "You've got room to talk." "You have been an embarrassment to me from the moment you was born." "You couldn't be like any other little brother and come along a couple of years after me." "No, no, not you." "You had to wait 13 years!" "So while all the other Mods were having punch-ups down at Southend and going to The Who concerts, I was at home baby-sitting." "I could never get your oyster milk stains out of me Ben Shermans." "I used to find rusks in me Hush Puppies." " Del, I couldn't help when I was born." " Oh, there you go, you see?" "It's any excuse with you, ain't it?" "What do you think about poor old Mum then, eh?" "Do you know that she was 39 when she fell for you?" "For the first 3 months of her pregnancy, you were treated as an ulcer." "And to this day, I sometimes think the original diagnosis was correct." "Look!" "Hey, come on!" "What sort of bloke do you think I am, eh?" "Cheat me own brother?" "Come on, Rodney, I told before, haven't I?" "Everything between you and I split straight down the middle." "Sixty forty?" "Yeah, well, explain this then to me, Del." "How do we manage to pay for the light, gas and rent in this place?" "I mean, take last week." "We went to the auction, right?" "We bought a gross of disposable lighters, a space invaders game, 2 facial saunas, 5 water-damaged sleeping bags, and a moon-roof for a Peugeot, right?" "Then we swapped the lot for a vanload of one-legged turkeys." "They was not one-legged turkeys, they was damaged turkeys." " How many legs did they have?" " I'm in no mood for trick questions!" " You ain't put down VAT." " We don't pay VAT." "I know, but we collect it though, don't we?" "Alright, Rodney, all right." "So we don't pay VAT." "We don't pay income tax or National Insurance." "On the other hand, we don't claim dole money, social security, supplementary benefit, do we?" "The government don't give us nothing so we don't give the government nothing." " What you complaining about?" " Look, I'm 23." "I'd like to think I had some sort of career." "You're self-unemployed, that's a career, ain't it?" "Selling hankies from a suitcase in Oxford Street." " I want something better than that, Del." " Alright, alright." "In future, you can do Regent Street!" "Come on." "Cheers!" " And it's Poitier." " Potter." " It's Poitier!" " (Potter.)" " (GIRL) Hello, Del." " You all right?" " Fine." " Good." "Do you realise we've always had something missing in our lives?" "First, we was motherless, then we was fatherless." "Now we're flogging one-legged turkeys from a three-wheel van." " Little acorns." " You got one of them missing as well?" "No!" "Marks and Spencer started off with a barrow." " At least they had 4 wheels." " Stop going on about that van, will you?" " Morning, Del Boy." " Bonjour, Joyce." "2 half pints of your finest low-carbohydrate beer, thank you, danke schon." " D'you want it in glasses?" " Yes." "Otherwise it dribbles through your fingers." "I mean... do you want it in glasses or jugs?" "As long as it is served by your fair hands, Joyce, we'd drink it out of a pair of Yvonne Goolagong's old tennis boots." "Alright?" "Look at that, charm like laser beams, eh, Rodney?" "Knocks 'em bandy." "Yeah, it's your ready wit and three-wheel van that blows their minds." "Yeah!" "I suppose I am full of the bel esprit, ain't I?" "I quite like old Joyce." "I mean, fair play, she's a bit of an old dog but... there again, you know, I quite like old dogs." "I mean, you know where you are with them, don't you?" "They never ask you if you still respect them in the morning, and always lend you a nicker for petrol, you know." "Aah!" "I like this life, don't you, Rodders?" "Ducking and diving, wheeling and dealing!" "It's exciting, ain't it?" "Unpredictable!" "In this game, you can go out in the morning with 50 pence in your pocket..." " And come home at night skint!" " Exactly, yeah." "I'm thinking of getting a job, Del." "What chance have you got of getting a job?" "Do leave it out." "Have you heard that, Joyce?" " He's only thinking of getting a job!" " A job, eh?" "I've got GCE's!" "I took that year's course at the art college in Basingstoke." "Yes, I know, you took a year's course but you got expelled after 3 weeks, didn't you?" "The Board of Governers were doing their annual inspection and found you camped in your little room with the biggest reefer this side of Marrakech, zonked out on your bed with some Chinese tart!" " She was not Chinese." " Chinese, Japanese, it's all the same to me." "Suppose you find a job and you go for the interview." "Are you gonna say to the manager, "I've got qualifications and experience, sir"?" ""I got 2 GCEs, an 18-month suspended sentence" ""and I know a good joint when I puff one."" "Nah, your feet won't touch, bruv!" "No!" "No, I'm afraid not, Rodney." "At the ripe old age of 23, you are a social leper." "Society has placed you in the darkest corner of its deepest cellar to grow moss and be forgotten about." "Still, never mind, eh?" "Vive la France, as they say in Rome." " No need to get depressed." " Me?" "Depressed?" "Of course not, Del." "I'm on top of the world." "I feel like a born-again eunuch." "I think I'll apply for a mail-order course with EXIT." "That's a good idea, Rodney!" "Never say die." "(MAN) How are ya?" " There he is, Trigger!" " Yeah?" " You know my brother, don't you?" " Of course." "How you going, Dave?" "Sorry I'm late, Del Boy." "I had to pop round me sisters to arrange an alibi for next Thursday." "Joyce!" " Del, Del!" " What?" "Why d'they call him Trigger?" "Does he carry a gun?" "No, it's because he looks like a horse." "Listen, me and Trigger got some business to discuss, you know what I mean?" "OK?" "So you get the drinks and meet us back here, all right?" "Oh arr, sir." "Anything you say, sir." "Borrow me daughter, sir?" " Very clever kid, my brother." " Yeah." "He's got 2 GCEs." "One in maths, one in art." "You wanna see him when he writes a letter." "The words he uses!" " Long ones?" " Like that, you know, some of them." " Anyway, what are you selling?" " This." "I've got 25 of them, all told." "The others are in the car." "I thought I won't wrap it up." "Parcels attract attention these days." "Best to carry it openly, then it don't look con-spicious." "Oh yeah, yeah, that's good thinking." "Really good thinking." "Goes so well with your slingback Wellington boots and your off-the-shoulder donkey jacket." "You look like an executive hod-carrier." "Let's have a look here." "Rodders, what do you think of this?" "(WHISTLES)" "Infra-dig, ain't it?" " It's plastic." " Plastic!" "Old English vinyl." "Combination locks." "Dinky little handle." "I might be able to push some of 'em round the old squash clubs." "We shouldn't have anything to do with them." "Police are most probably looking for them right now." "Tell the truth." "Are the police looking for them, Trig?" " No, they're not, Del." "And that's the truth." " Why're you hiding it, then?" "'Cause you never know when they're gonna start looking for them, do you?" " Leave 'em, Del." " Ssh!" "Shtumm, right?" "Oi!" "We're partners, at least respect my opinion!" "Alright, alright, Rodney, I respect your opinion." " How much?" " For you, Del Boy, 17 pounds each." "You know what happened to the real Trigger, don't you?" "Roy Rodgers had him stuffed!" " Alright then, 14!" " 14!" "Leave it out!" " Five." " Twelve!" " Six." " Ten!" " Nine." " Eight!" "Done!" "That's the way to do business, Dave." "Alright, Trig, let's work it out." "That's 8 times 25 equals 175, OK?" " 200." " What?" "!" "No, no, Rodney, no!" "The calculator says 175, all right?" "But he's got GCEs in maths and art." "So what does that prove?" "He can paint by numbers!" "No, Trig, I mean, this is a calculator." "You know what I mean?" "The calculator says 175." "You can't argue with a calculator, can you?" " Give it here." " Rodney!" "25 times 8 equals 200!" "See?" "Ah yeah!" "Look at that, I must've got my finger stuck on the button." "Pianist's fingers." "Yeah, yeah, you wanna look after them, Rodney." "They break very easily!" "(DEL) You gotta see 'em to believe 'em, Spiros, yeah." "Eh?" "I don't know, hang on a minute." "Grandad, where are they made?" "It don't say." "There's some Chinese writing on 'em, though." "Ssh!" "No, no, it don't give the maker's name, Spiros." "Then again, the best ones never do, do they?" "How's it going?" " That's about the 15th." " Briefcase he's sold?" "Phone call he's made." "(DEL) Yeah, I'd get in while the going's good if I were you." "I've only got 25 left." "This is a cheeseburger!" "I asked for an Emperor-burger." " Couldn't afford an Emperor-burger." " He got me a cheeseburger!" " What?" " I asked him for an Emperor-burger" " and he brings me back a cheeseburger!" " Hang on, Spiros." " What's he on about, now?" " He asked me for an Emperor-burger but I couldn't afford it so I got him a cheeseburger." "Bloody Emperor-burgers and cheeseburgers!" "I'm trying to do a deal here, now shut up, will you?" "!" "No, no, not you, Spiros." "No, me old mate." "Alright..." "Now, how many of these briefcases can I put you down for?" "None!" "Right, thanks, great." "Yeah, all right, see you around." "I told you the best thing to do with them cases, didn't I?" "Chuck 'em in the river." "Chuck 'em in the river." "Chuck 'em in the river!" "That's our profit you're talking about." "What do you think this is?" "A nationalised industry?" "He knows I hate cheese!" "Will you stop going all about that rotten cheeseburger, will you?" "Ah!" "Dougie Sadler!" "He owns the stationers in the high street, he's our boy, Rodders!" " I don't know why he bothers." " He's a tryer, ain't he?" "Your dad always said that one day Del Boy would reach the top." "There again, he used to say that one day Millwall would win the cup!" "Hello, Dougie?" "Del Boy." "How's your luck, pal?" "Good." "Family?" "Super!" "Dougie, I'm phoning about some briefcases." "Yeah?" "Go on." "What a choker!" " 25 were nicked from his shop last week." " Oh, God!" "Ssh!" "No..." "No, no, I'm not trying to sell any!" "No, no, no!" "I wanted to buy some, you see?" "Yeah, I got this contact in the... stock exchange, yeah." "By the way, Dougie old pal, I mean, what were you selling them for?" " What do mean they were rejects?" " Oh, beautiful!" "We bought a consignment of rejects!" "What was wrong with them, then?" "Oh, yeah, I see, yeah." "Yeah, I mean, who'd be daft enough to nick them?" "Who'd be stupid enough to buy 'em?" "Yeah, I know, that's all right." "I'll pop down and see you next week when you got some more in, OK?" "Bye bye, Doug, see you around." " God!" " Alright, so what's wrong with 'em?" " Open one." " What's the combination?" "No sod knows!" "That's why they're rejects." "There must be some paper with them giving you the combination." "Yes, there is!" "It's inside the briefcase, ain't it?" "Cock-up at the factory." "Nice going, Del Boy!" "You have bought 25 executive briefcases that can only be open by professional safe-crackers." "This makes the one-legged turkey deal look shrewd, don't it?" "Alright, Rodney." "That's the way I'm made, ain't it?" "Crash in and to hell with the consequences." "He who dares wins!" "The French have a word for people like me." "The English have got a couple of good 'uns, an' all." "I told you all along not to touch them, didn't I?" "Yeah, all right!" "Nothing to do with you, is it?" "But we're partners, ain't we?" "Oh!" "Oh, I see, the truth's coming out now." "Come on, Del, let's have it out in the open." "How do you see our respective roles in this partnership?" "I see it as a combination of my business acumen, contacts and money and your ability to drive a three-wheel van... badly!" " Or did you see yourself in a different role?" " Yes, I did!" "With my qualifications, I saw myself in the capacity of a financial adviser." "A financial adviser!" "Bonjour Trieste!" "You are beautiful, you are, Rodney!" "Today, I'd just about clinched a deal to buy these briefcases for 175 pounds when my financial adviser stuck his nose in and advised me to pay 200 pounds!" "Then having paid the 200 pounds, my financial adviser then advised me to chuck the bleedin' lot in the river!" "Now with financial advisers like that, who needs a bleedin' recession?" "What kind of financial adviser goes out to buy an Emperor-burger and comes back with a cheeseburger?" "Will you stop going all about that ruddy cheeseburger and eat it?" "!" "(ROD) Let him go!" "Get off him!" "It's against the law to force-feed a senior citizen with a cheeseburger" " and you know he hates them!" " Why did you buy it?" "It's all I could afford!" "You make my life a misery, you do." "Here, oi, just a moment." "What was that last remark about me making your life a misery?" "Yeah... well, you do, Del." "With your over-bearing, over-protective manner!" "Let me remind you, Rodney, that you were a six-year-old little nipper when God smiled on Mum and made her die." "Two months after that, Dad packed his bags and left us to fend for ourselves!" "It was me that kept us together." "Nothing to do with Grandad!" "He was an out-of-work lamp lighter waiting for gas to make a comeback." "I grafted 19, 20 hours a day to put groceries on that table." "Alright, it wasn't always double legal, but you ate the finest food that was going." "All you ever gave me was TV dinners and convenience foods." "If it wasn't frozen or dehydrated, we didn't eat it!" "If you'd have been in charge of the Last Supper, it would have been a take-away." "Anything was better than that salmonella and chips Grandad used to knock up!" "Del... ..look, don't get me wrong." " I'm..." "I'm grateful." " I don't want your gratitude!" "Ungrateful little git!" "I don't know what is the matter with you, Rodney." "Sometimes I hesitate to tell people you're my brother." "I always say I'm your social worker." "Do you mind telling me exactly what it is that has made your life a misery?" "You always treated me like a child." "I was the only sixth former in my grammar school who wore short trousers." " Well, I got 'em cheap, didn't I?" " I was 15, Del!" "I was growing hairs and things!" "My legs looked like Italian footballers'!" "And you never let me do anything on my own." "You even had to help me with my GCE studies." " You passed in two subjects!" " I failed in the other eight!" "I mean, you embarrass me." "That's why I never bring women home." "Oh!" "You know some women, do you?" "That's a turnup for the book." "The only bird I've ever heard you mention was old Shanghai Lil from the art college in Basingstoke." "Even then you had to drug her before you got your leg over!" " No, I didn't!" " Didn't drug her or get your leg over?" "You're suffocating me, Del." "I'm getting out of this house." "I'm gonna prove to you I can survive on my own." " I'm going to the pub." " To prove you can survive on your own?" "No, to get legless." "I don't need you no more, Del." "I don't need you for nothing!" "(DOOR SLAMS)" "Del..." "I was just..." "I was just wondering..." " I think he's very much like you, Grandad." " What?" "Dignified in defeat?" "No, a ponce!" "(DEL) No, I'm sure these can't be the ones they're looking for." "No, no, I wouldn't do that to a mate, now would I?" "Don't you say nothing to him!" "I mean, you can't trust the Old Bill, can you?" "Look at that time when they planted six gas cookers in my bedroom." "Yeah..." "Yeah, all right." "Don't worry, OK, I'll see you around." " (DOOR OPENS)" " Rodney?" " Where was you first thing this morning?" " I was out trying to sell these things." " Did you call Rodney?" " No..." "I thought I'd let him lie in and sleep his hangover off." "Is he still in bed?" " No, he's gone." " Gone?" "Packed his rucksack and had it away on his toes." " Where's he gone?" " Hong Kong." "Hong Kong?" "What do you mean, Hong Kong?" " Hong Kong!" "It's in China." " I know where Hong Kong is!" " What's he doing there?" " Said he was gonna hitch-hike there" " to see that bird from the art college." " Shanghai Lil?" "She's in Basingstoke!" "So what's Mastermind doing on the road to Hong Kong?" "No, that's where she is now!" "She got deported after the drugs trial." "(DEL) 'Ere, just a minute." "What did you do, say or cook for him that was so awful it forced him to leave?" "It weren't me!" "It was that row last night." "He's gone to prove hisself." "Prove hisself!" "No!" "It's just one of Rodney's little games, that's all." "He'd never reach Hong Kong." "He has trouble finding Clapham!" " He seemed very determined." " Didn't you do anything?" "Well, yeah!" "I made him some sandwiches." "And he took 'em?" "!" "Blimey, this is worse than I thought." "No, wait a minute!" "He ain't got no money!" "He took his Post Office book with him." "Can't you go and search for him?" "He's been gone about seven hours." " The farthest he could've got is France." " We've got him cornered then, ain't we?" " Ring up Interpol!" " Interpol?" "I'd get more joy out of Interflora." "He might be in danger!" "You could explain to them what Rodney's like." "I'm sorry, I don't know the French for pranny!" "Hong Kong!" "I mean, Hong Kong!" "Why didn't he tell me where he was going?" "He could've taken these bleeding' things back with him." "(INCIDENTAL MUSIC COVERS VOICES)" "(TALKING CHESS GAME) A2, F2, enter." "Illegal move!" "(GRANDAD SIGHS)" "(TALKING CHESS GAME) A2, B2, enter." "Illegal move." " This thing still ain't working properly." " It's because you're playing draughts on it." "It's a talking chess game." "You can't play draughts on a talking chess game." " Why not?" " 'Cause you're supposed to play chess on it." "That's why it's called a talking chess game." "You've already blown the microchip twice trying to huff the rook and what have you." "I thought it was supposed to have an electronic brain." "It has got an electronic brain!" "But it didn't know it was gonna fall into the hands of a soppy old duffer who wanted to play draughts on it!" "But I can't play chess!" "Why don't they invent a talking draughts game?" "Because if they did, you'd most probably wanna play bloody ludo on it!" " Del Boy." " Hello, Rodney." "Rodney's back, Del!" "Look, he's here." " You hungry, Rodney?" " Starving!" "I haven't eaten for two days." " Shall I cook you something?" " No, no... no." "A cup of tea, perhaps." " Old place don't change much." " No, same as ever." "Oh, it's really good to be back, Del!" "Don't you think you're overdoing the prodigal's return a bit?" " You've only been gone six days." " Well, it might seem like six days to you" " but to me it seemed more like..." " A week?" "I take it you didn't reach Hong Kong." "How far did you get?" " South of France, St. Tropez." " St. Tropez!" "Very malde mer!" " (CHESS MACHINE) Problem!" " 85 in the shade." " What are the birds like?" " Oh... mostly French." " (DEL) Oh, yeah." " I met one English girl there, Veronica." " Her father's a millionaire tax exile." " Tax exile, is he?" "(CHESS MACHINE) Illegal move!" "They got a boat parked down the bay?" "A yacht anchored off-shore, yeah, yeah." "They invited me over for dinner one night." "Didn't go, though." "Still had some of Grandad's sandwiches left, did you?" "No." "No, that night, I packed me bags and headed home." "I was homesick, see." "I..." "I missed that!" "You must be joking." "The only people who ever missed that was the ruddy Luftwaffe." "It might not be much to you, Del, but to me it's got a raw and savage beauty." " I've got artist's eyes." " Yes, you got pianist's fingers," "Italian footballer's legs." "Ever thought of applying for a disability allowance?" "I know you'll never understand what I mean, Del, but you gotta suffer paradise before you can realise what you left behind." " Your home, your family..." " Your passport!" "Your passport... my passport!" "You knew, didn't ya?" "!" "You let me go through all that and all the time you knew!" " Where did you find it?" " Top of your wardrobe." "We were expecting a visit from the local gendarmes so I thought I better check out in case you'd left any of that exotic tobacco lying about." "I knew it was just a moody, Rodney." "I told grandad it was one of Rodney's little games." "It must be wonderful to be you, Del." "To always be right!" "No, it gets a bit embarrassing at times." "I'll tell you another thing, Rodney." "You said I would never ever get rid of them briefcases." " And you did, didn't you, Del?" " Yes, I did." "Chucked the bleedin' lot in the river." "No!" "You threw 'em all in the river?" "!" "Yep, every last one of them." "They floated." "That was a bit unforeseen." "Probably rounding Tilbury about now." "200 quid down the Swanee!" "Or in this case, the Thames." "St Tropez!" "(CHUCKLES)" " How far did you really get?" " Shangri La dosshouse, Stoke Newington." "Shared a room with some cholera cultures." "(CHESS MACHINE) Your move." "Well, what do you fancy?" "Shall we go down the pub and act stupid or... ..shall we sail across to Veronica's dad's yacht for tiffin?" "No... best not go to the yacht." "Might bump into those bloody briefcases halfway, eh?" "(LAUGHS)" "# We've got some half price cracked ice and miles and miles of carpet tiles" "# TVs, deep freeze and David Bowie LPs" "# Ball games, gold chains, what's-their-names and at a push" "# And Trevor Francis track suits from a mush in Shepherd's Bush" "# Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush" "# No income tax, no VAT" "# No money back, no guarantee" "# Black or white, rich or poor," "# We'll cut prices at a stroke" "# God bless Hooky Street," "# Viva Hooky Street" "# Long live Hooky Street" "# C'est magnifique, Hooky Street" "# Magnifique, Hooky Street" "# Hooky Street" "# Stick a pony in me pocket" "# I'll fetch the suitcase from the van" "# 'Cause if you want the best 'uns But you don't ask questions" "# Then, brother, I'm your man" "# Just where it all comes from is a mystery" "# It's like the changing of the seasons And the tides of the sea" "# But here's the one that's driving me berserk:" "# Why do only fools and horses work #" "(TELEVISION):" "Touching the cone..." ".. and also just touching the plane." "(TELEVISION):" "And the two points where the spheres touch the plane..." "That is where our future lies, Rodney." "Second-hand motors." "This time next year we will be millionaires." "I dreamt I was drowning last night." "Yeah, the way I see it is this:" "The government, they're gonna have to ban the import of foreign cars, ain't they?" "To save our own car industry." "But the unions they won't stand for that." "Because that smacks of racialism, so they'll all go out on strike!" "That will mean you won't be able to buy a new car for love nor money!" " No?" " No." "That is it, Rodney." "Britain's future lies fairly and squarely in the second-hand car game." "What did you say just now?" "You dreamt that you were drowning?" "Is that a gentle way of telling us that last night you wet the bed?" "No, it's not!" "I'm just depressed, that's all." "And these cornflakes don't make me feel any better." "Honestly, Rodney, you make my teeth itch!" "I've asked you before and I'll ask you again, go and phone her!" " She knows I won't phone her first!" " How does she know?" "!" " Did you tell her?" " No." "Ah well, go phone her and tell her then." " That's stupid!" " No, it's not!" "It's no more stupid than the mood you're in." "Why is it that whenever you're getting your end away, the skies are blue, the lager's cool, and England are gonna win the World Cup!" "Just because a little tart with fat thighs gives you the elbow, you're in a fit of depression!" "She has not given me the elbow!" "Monica and I were having difficulties getting it together on a one-to-one basis." "So my mate, Mickey Pearce, he's lived with a woman..." "He advised us to have a two-week trial separation." "A two-week trial separation?" "!" "You've only known her for two weeks." "What is it then, Rodney?" "A fortnight on and a fortnight off like sentry duty?" "I'm not gonna phone her, grandad, and that's all there is to it." " Plenty more chicks about." " Yeah, all right." "Come on." "I reckon your best bet is having a blind date with a Samaritan!" "I'll survive, Del." "And Monica has not got fat thighs!" " She's got fat thighs!" " She has not!" "Look, I was down the Nag's Head disco last night." "Either she's got fat thighs, or she was bopping the night away in a pair of jodhpurs!" " Monica was out dancing?" " Yeah..." "With your mate Mickey Pearce, as it happens." "Del!" "(BOYCIE):" "This came in with a Chesterfield and a gross of electric toothbrushes, as a part-chop on a Vanden Plas." " Clean it up a bit, couple of new tires." " Yeah, yeah." "New engine, new body and you got a nice little motor." "There's 98,000 miles on the clock." "Is that genuine?" "Shut up, Rodney!" "Be honest, Boycie, I mean seriously, it's a bit of a pig!" " What do you want for 50 quid?" "!" " Now you're talking, I'll take that." "(DEL):" "What do you want: cheque, or shall I give it to you in the old readies?" " You would an' all, wouldn't you?" " Certainly." " No, no." "It's handsome though, innit?" " Yeah." "It's only E-type Jaguars and Sebastian Coe that make me feel proud to be British." "Yeah, I know what you mean, Boycie." " Why haven't you got this up at the front?" " It's not for sale, Del, my old mate." "As a matter of fact, I'm looking for a place to hide it for a week." "I bought it as a birthday present." "I'm dead scared the wife's gonna see it and suss it all out." " Spoil the surprise?" " Spoil everything, Rodney." "It's a birthday present for my bit on the side!" " Your what?" " His bit on the side." "His bit..." "Never mind, Boycie." "It's been so long since Rodney had a bit on the side, he didn't know they'd moved it!" " Hang about!" "Mon Dieu!" " What?" " You wanna hide this for a week, right?" " Right." "We've got an empty garage on the estate." "I can pop it in there for you if you like." "Be handy, Del..." "..might save me a lot of aggro." " Well, I owe you one, Del." " Forget it, Boycie," "I mean, if you can't do a pal a favour without expecting something in return...!" "How much did you say you wanted for that again?" "What's the matter?" "Brakes a bit spongy?" "Brakes?" "!" "What bloody brakes?" "!" "I nearly killed myself, Del!" " It's a death trap!" " What do you expect for twenty-five quid?" " Your shock absorber's gone." " Well, it has now!" " What's it like?" " What's what like?" "The car, you dingo, what do you think I'm talking about?" "!" "Your flaming coffee?" "!" " The car!" "Oh well, you know... it's..." " It's a bit over-priced." "It's a bit over-priced, yes." "That's what I was going to say." "Says twenty-three thousand on the clock, is that genuine?" " Twenty...?" "Last time I looked it was over..." " Twenty-two and a half, quite right." "No, I had the R.A.C. do a five hundred mile road test on it." "Well, you know... better safe than sorry, that's what I always say." "It's beautiful though, innit?" "Beautiful." "What do you think?" " Son et lumiere, wouldn't you say?" " Well, don't know if I'd go that far!" "Oh, yeah." "I mean look at this:" "genuine leather upholstery." "Where would you find genuine leather upholstery like that these days?" "Do you know that the East African gazelle became an endangered species for this model?" "Sacrifice well made I'd say, wouldn't you?" "No, it's an enthusiast's model this one, and I can see that you are a genuine enthusiast." "Don't give me that crap, mate!" "I can make up me own mind, and I don't need any help from no Cockney villain!" "Cockney villain!" "Cockney villain!" "Now there's no need to be like that, sir." "I mean after all the British and the Australians are cousins across the sea." "I mean if your great grandad hadn't been a bloody villain, you could've been one of us." "No, no, say no more." "C'est la vie." "Ca ne fait rien." "Allow me to point out some of the optional extras on this one." "The anti-dazzle mirror." "In here, you'll notice that we got the old..." "look at that." "The.. one speed wiper." "And we've got..." ".. automatic windows." "Oh yeah, perfect example of the sporting tourer." "And of course it comes complete with a full two weeks M.O.T. still left to run." " How many owners?" " I'm glad you asked me that, sir." "It's only had the one owner from new, and that of course was a vicar." " A vicar?" "!" " A vicar!" "Used to use it to drive backwards and forwards to church on a Sunday, that was all." "And..." "Oh, look at that." "He only left his bible in the glove compartment." "(DEL WHISTLING)" "As I was walking through Earls Court, Into a pub I was lured," "Where a nosey pom said:" ""Where are you from?"" "As I downed the amber fluid." "(DEL):" "I said: "Get it straight, I'm an Aussie, mate,"" ""And I'm fixing to get plastered."" ""But the beer is crook, and the birds all look like you, you pommy..." Grandad." " Cheers, Del Boy!" " It's all right." "Go out and buy yourself a crate of Odour Eaters." " Yeah, I've heard they're good!" " Yeah." "Bloody murder to swallow, though." "Where's Peckham's conscience?" "He's in his room pining about that little fat bird." "Women!" "You wouldn't remember when I married your grandmother?" " No." " The first night we were in bed and..." " Well, you know, Del." " What?" "Well...!" " Doing what you do when the lights are out." " Oh, yeah." " Holding a seance, was you?" " No!" "You know what I mean!" "Anyhow, right in the middle of... it, do you know what she said to me?" "No, what?" "She said:" ""What do you fancy for dinner tomorrow?"" " "What do you fancy for dinner tomorrow?" "!"" " Bad, innit?" "I bet that didn't happen to Omar Sharif." "Anyway, what did you say?" "Steak and kidney pudding, I think." "Isn't love wonderful?" "!" "Eh up!" "Look out!" "Hey..." "Oh, where are you going?" "Fancy dress party?" "No, I'm gonna do what Monica was doing last night." "Going dancing with Micky Pearce, are you?" "No!" "I'm going out, I'm gonna paint the town red, rip it up a bit!" " Yeah, where are you going?" "Streatham?" " No, I'm not going to Streatham, Del." " I'm going to hit a few clubs up west." " You up west?" "!" " Yeah!" " You'd need a bloody compass to find it!" " I'm often up west, Del, I'm one of the faces." " One of the faces, do me a favour, Rodney!" "Two halves of lager at the British Legion Club is like a walk on the wild side to you." "Just leave me to live my own life, would you?" "And what do you mean, fancy dress?" "Just wondered why you were hitting the West End looking like a praying mantis?" "Just lay off me, Del!" "Is that the money from the Cortina?" "That death-trap you sold to Skippy!" " There was nothing wrong with that motor!" " Nothing wrong!" "The oil light stayed on, the steering didn't always go the way you wanted it to," " and the brakes didn't work." " A few minor faults." "Anyway, the oil light didn't stay on, I fixed it." "You mean you actually went to the trouble of changing the oil?" "No, I took the bulb out." "You are great, Del!" "I mean, you've done some pretty doubtful things in your time, but I never thought you'd stoop to selling instant motorway madness!" " Oh, shut up, you tart!" " That money is immoral!" "That is your handful of silver, Del, that is nothing more than blood money!" "Oh!" "Oh, is it?" "!" "Yeah, all right then." " Half of that is mine!" " Aha!" "Now you see what I mean, don't you, grandad?" "!" "That is the mentality of your spoon-fed student type." "They walk around all day with Steve Bilko written on their T-shirts, spouting about humanity, but when it comes to a fight over a torn fiver they make Genghis Khan look like a pacifist!" "I was merely stating the fact that half of that is mine." "That don't mean I want it." "Oh!" "I see." "You don't want this money then, Rodney, eh?" " No." " Oh, what a bind!" "I'll have to spend it all myself then, won't I?" "Still going out, are you, Rodney?" "Yeah..." "Do you fancy tagging along, Del?" "I'll show you some of my clubs." "Not really." "Look, if you're hard up for a bit of company, I'll come." "Hard up for company!" "You must be joking!" "I've got hundreds of friends!" " Oh!" "That's all right then, innit?" "Good." " Yeah." "Yeah." "There's the cats from the evening class for a start." "Cats?" "!" "Where are you going, Rodney?" "Dancing or ratting?" " Ratting!" "I like that!" " It means ravers, grandad, swingers!" "And these guys really live it up, Del, and when I say live, I mean live!" "Yeah, there's Dave and..." "Bob... ..Mike and..." "Tony..." " George..." " Jim." " Why don't you go give them a bell?" " Who?" "The beautiful people from the evening institute." "Oh... they're not on the phone." "You mean all these swingers ain't got a phone between them?" "!" " Are they on the electric yet?" "!" " All right!" "All right!" " Well." "You coming with me then?" " No." "I'll pop down the Nag's Head for a light ale later on." "Well, your loss, Del." "I'll tell you all about it in the morning then." " Assuming I'm back in the morning!" " All right." " Well, are you coming or not, then?" " No!" "Okay, then." "Well... here I go!" " See you, then..." " I'll give the birds your regards!" "Yeah, you do that." "That's terrific, great of you." "Well, we have take-off!" "(DOOR SHUTS)" "Make up your mind, Del, are you coming or not?" "!" "You bloody kids!" "They can't even enjoy themselves today, can they?" "All right, come on, soppy, let's go and rip it up!" "Well, if you want to tag along, that's fine by me, Del." " If you can pay for your own way." " I'll pay for my own!" "Don't worry, I've got the money." "I've got the keys to the van an' all." "Grandad, go easy on the Iron Jelloids tonight." "We're not going up west in a three-wheeled van, are we?" "!" " I certainly ain't walking, Rodders!" " Yeah, but it's all about images, innit, Del?" "I mean, you're very suave and debonair." "Yeah, suppose I'm a bit ostentatious, I am, ain't I?" "Yeah, still, if I drive and you hide behind the dashboard, no one will see us arrive." "What do you mean, no one will see us arrive?" "!" "I want people to see me arrive!" "In a three-wheeled van?" "Still, got no choice, have we?" "Yes, we have." "We can take Boycie's E-type Jaguar!" "The Jag?" "!" "Are you sure, Del?" "Well, upon your shoulders be it, son, let's go." "Rodney!" "Is it always as dark as this in here?" "Or are they holding a dummy run for a coalminers' convention?" " I don't know." " What do you mean you don't know?" "!" " You said this is your regular club." " Well, I might've exaggerated a bit." " How many times have you been here?" " Never." " What'd you bring us in here for, then?" " It looked all right from the outside!" "It looked all right from the outside!" "That's what the Christians said about the Colosseum!" "You berk!" "Not much action for a nightclub, is it ?" "Probably something to do with the fact that it is only half past seven!" " Last time I come out with you, Rodney!" " Is that a promise, you moaning git?" "!" "Oi, watch it, you!" " Garcon, la petite pois!" " Oh, parlez-vous Francais?" " Jawohl." " Yes, what can I get for you?" " I'd like a Caribbean Stallion." " Wouldn't we all, dear?" " (WAITER):" "What is it?" " What is it?" "It's an exotic cocktail." "Specially created for the discerning palates of the international jet-set!" "Roger Moore drank one in Live and Let Die." "I wouldn't put anything past her!" "Yeah, well, you'd better write this down." "What you want is..." "You want a shot of tequila, and a shot of coconut rum, and one of Creme de Menthe." "Then you want a smidgen, just a smidgen, of Campari, with the merest suggestion of Angostura's bitters, all right?" "(DEL):" "You top that up with fresh grapefruit juice, and you shake it." "Do not stir, all right?" "Pour that slowly over broken ice, garnished with a slice of orange, slice of lime, the occasional seasonal fruits." "Top that off with a decorative plastic umbrella, two translucent straws and voila!" "Right..." "And for you?" "Half a lager, please." "Half a lager." "Reg Varney drank one of them in Holiday on the Buses!" "Is he a bit... funny?" " I don't know!" " Yeah." "He is definitely a bandit, that one!" "Tonight we dance with our backs to the wall, Rodney!" "I wonder what Monica's doing now?" "Why don't you find Micky Pearce?" "He might be able to throw some light on the subject." " I don't talk to him no more." " Look, come on!" "I'm your brother, aren't I?" " You can tell me." "What broke you two up?" " I found out he was dating Monica!" "No, not you and Micky bloody Pearce!" "You and the fat girl!" "Well... she thought I was weird..." "Well... not so much weird, more... warped." " Warped?" "!" " Yeah, see..." "I've got this fantasy... uniforms." "They turn me on." "Uniforms...?" "!" "You mean like postmen and that?" "!" "No, women in uniforms." "Nurses, air hostesses, and my favourite's... er... ..policewomen." "Policewomen!" "But they nick you!" "What you're trying to tell me is that Monica, she didn't go a bundle on this dressing up?" "I didn't tell her!" "I tried to do it without her knowing." "How the hell do you dress someone up as Juliet Bravo without them twigging?" "!" "I was going to do it gradual over a period of time." "Like, last week was her birthday, right?" "I bought her one of them blue serge suits that Paddy the Greek was selling." "And I'd already got her the hat, you know, white with navy blue peak." "(RODNEY):" "And then for Valentine's Day I was going to get her some black stockings, and some of them sensible walking brogues, right?" " Then for Christmas, I was..." " You'll get her a whistle and handcuffs!" "Blimey!" "You were lucky she gave you the elbow when she did!" "Those Panda cars cost a bomb, you know!" "Monica's right about you." "You know, you're a pervo, Rodney!" " That is immoral." "You know that, don't you?" "!" " Immoral!" "Today you sold a clapped-out Batmobile with no brakes." "That's immoral, son!" " There was nothing wrong with it, it went." " Oh it went, yeah, just didn't stop!" "You're like a chairman of a cigarette company joining the Festival of Light." "You can die from my profit, but don't play with yourself in between!" "Oh yeah!" "All right, all right, Rodney!" "Yeah, well I don't mean the geezer no harm." "I'll pop round to see him tomorrow and pay to have his brakes repaired, how's that?" "That's good, if you do that for me, I'll tell you what I'll do for you." " You'll stop thinking about policewomen?" " No, I'll accept my fifty percent of the profit." "Oh my cup runneth over!" "(WAITER):" "Half a lager for sir... ..and a Caribbean Stallion for Mandingo." " That will be seven pounds." " Seven quid!" "Blimey!" "I get that for three quid where I come from!" "Oh, you're from Jersey, are you?" "Enjoy your stay." " What does he know about Jersey?" "!" " By the way... ..the barman said, would you like some evaporated milk with that?" " Tell the barman to go and get stuffed!" " Thank you, sir!" " Del, Del!" " What?" "!" "No, not yet." "It's only twenty to eight." "If we pull them now, we got to buy them drinks all night." " We'll take them back to the flat!" " That's an idea!" "I've got 24 litres of that Yugoslavian Riesling in the garage." "We can pop grandpa in the meter cupboard and have ourselves a little party!" "Yeah, go on, Del!" "You can charm a tortoise out of a shell, you can!" "Okay, now you..." "Look..." "learn... and listen, all right?" " Drink up, we're leaving." " You are great, you are!" " You're the last miracle left to this earth!" " Shut up and drink up, will you?" "!" " Yeah." "They're a couple of ravers?" " No." "They're a couple of geezers." " I'm sorry." " What?" " I said I'm sorry." " Shut up!" " I didn't know it was that sort of a place!" " Right blinding night I've had!" "I've become a member of a gay club, discovered that my brother is a pervo, and had a close encounter with two dockers in drag!" "You better not tell anybody about this!" "I've got my macho reputation to uphold." "I'm warning you, one person, just one, calls me the Naked Civil Servant, and I'll kill you!" "Don't be silly, Del!" "I'm hardly gonna go around bragging I saw my own brother trying to date transvestites!" "What?" "!" "Me?" "!" "It was you who clocked them!" "It was... you...!" "Just shut up!" "Shut up, will you?" "!" " Del!" " Shut up!" " Corner table to your left, couple of birds." " Don't start that again!" "A couple of birds!" "It's probably Hinge and Bracket out having a pint!" "These are definitely feminine, Del." "All the lumps are in the right places!" "Yeah, where?" " Here." " No, don't mean like that, where here?" "!" "Yes." "Definitely suit me." "Right, come on, bellies in." "Let's just be ourselves this time, shall we?" "None of your embarrassing lies!" " And don't try and put me down!" " All right, don't you say I'm thirty-five!" " All right." " Come on then, into action!" "(DEL):" "Sorry!" "Look at that, just dropped the keys to the white Alpine E-type Jag." "8-track stereo, leather-look steering wheel." "It's not my car, it's his." " Yeah, it's my car." "Cheers, Del!" " All right." " Just use it while they service my Ferrari." " He's thirty-five!" "Sit down, will you?" "!" "Sit down, Rodney." "Keep your brains warm!" "Go on, son!" "You don't mind if we join you girls, do you?" "No?" "Good." "This is my brother, Rodney, and I am Del." " Short for Derek." "Nice name that, innit?" " Yeah, very nice." " I'm Nicki, this is Michelle." " Nicki, Michelle." "Nicki, Michelle, they're nice names." " Not as nice as Derek though, that name?" " No, not a patch on Derek!" "Do you come here often?" "I don't believe you!" "I don't believe you!" " Quite often, haven't seen you here before." " No, no, we don't come to London much." " Where do you come from, then?" " Peckham." "Yeah, originally from Peckham, but we spend most of our time abroad." "For tax reasons, yeah." "We're on the international professional tennis circuit." "Del!" "He's an international professional tennis player, and I'm his manager." "You must've heard of Rodney!" "The sporting press call him "Hot Rod"!" " What's the surname?" " Trotter." "Doesn't ring a bell, sorry." "That's because we generally concentrate on the big American tournaments." " Do you ever play Wimbledon?" " No, we only do the big ones." " Just came back from the Miami Open." " You're not very tanned for Miami." " No, it was an indoor tournament." " Yes, it's amazing, innit?" "I mean, they call it the Miami Open, and then they go and hold it indoors." "No, that's the Yanks for you, though, innit?" "Anyway, we..." "Well, we can't complain, because he won it, he did." "He beat that Jimmy Connolly in the finals." "Jimmy Connolly?" "!" "Do you mean Jimmy Connors?" "No, he knocked that diddle-yo out in the first round, nine sets to one!" "Actually, we're only in London to get "Hot Rod" here measured up for a new bat." " It's a racquet!" " Bloody is, the prices they charge!" "Also, we thought it might be an idea to give him some practice on grass." "Because in the States they use that stuff called Astroturf." " What do you prefer, Rodney?" " Pardon?" "What do you prefer:" "Astroturf or grass?" "I don't know, I've never smoked Astroturf." "You Wally!" "No, no it's... we're not really professional tennis players." " (BOTH GIRLS):" "No!" " Just having a laugh." " (DEL):" "Just having a laugh, that's all." " What do you really do?" "We're Concorde pilots." "Light me up a cigar, will you, Rodders?" " We have struck gold there, Del Boy." " It's the Klondike, my son, the Klondike!" "It's every bloke's dream, meeting a couple of sorts with their own pad in Chelsea!" "I hope it's a penthouse!" "Because I'm a penthouse sort of person." "Balconies, rubber plants, all that game." "Hey, if we see them next Friday, perhaps we can stay for the weekend." " Yeah, watch "Match of the Day"." " Yeah, won't have to spend much, will we?" "Won't have to spend much!" "Honestly, Rodney, when it comes down to the nitty gritty, you are completely devoid of any..." "Je ne sais quoi, aren't you?" "I mean, these aren't your two halves of a Stingo, a packet of pork scratchings and Bob's your uncle type!" "No, no!" " No, we'll take them to a Berni Inn!" " Yes!" "I bow to your experience and wallet there, Del!" " Where's their phone number?" " She wrote it down on my cigar pack." "Ace!" " What cigar pack is that, then, Del?" " The one I just gave you." " Del?" " Yeah." " You know that cigar pack?" " Yeah?" "I threw it out the window a mile and a half back." "Oh, that's all right." "You what?" "!" "You pranny!" "(DEL SLAMS THE BRAKES ON, SOUND OF A CAR HORN)" "(SOUND OF SCREECHING BRAKES FROM THE FOLLOWING CAR,)" "(SOUND OF BUMP AND SPLINTERING GLASS AND METAL.)" "I don't believe it!" "I just do not believe it!" "Now look what you've done, Rodney!" "You smashed up Boycie's E-type Jaguar!" " Me?" "!" "You were driving it!" " Don't play bloody word games with me!" "What's your game, pal?" "!" "Are you blind?" "!" "(AUSSIE):" "I'm really sorry about that, mate, but the brakes on this thing are a bit dicky." "You!" "I've been looking for you two flaming gollas all day long!" "Now come here!" "# We've got some half price cracked ice and miles and miles of carpet tiles" "# TVs, deep freeze and David Bowie LPs" "# Ball games, gold chains, what's-their-names and at a push" "# And Trevor Francis track suits from a mush in Shepherd's Bush" "# Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush" "# No income tax, no VAT" "# No money back, no guarantee" "# Black or white, rich or poor," "# We'll cut prices at a stroke" "# God bless Hooky Street!" "# Viva Hooky Street!" "# Long live Hooky Street!" "# C'est magnifique, Hooky Street!" "# Magnifique, Hooky Street!" "# Hooky Street" "# Stick a pony in me pocket" "# I'll fetch the suitcase from the van" "# 'Cause if you want the best 'uns But you don't ask questions" "# Then, brother, I'm your man" "# Just where it all comes from is a mystery" "# It's like the changing of the seasons And the tides of the sea" "# But here's the one that's driving me berserk:" "# Why do only fools and horses work #" "Ah, you made it, Rodders." "Good." "Well done, my son." "You've got a bloody nerve, you have, Del!" "Phoning me up at home and demanding I come down here to pick you up." "What could I do, Rodney?" "What..." "..What could I..." "Listen!" "Look, I've got the Vauxhall Velox outside, haven't I?" "And I've had a few, you know, a few drinky-poos, and I thought to myself:" ""Well, I could get a little old mini-cab."" "And then I thought to myself:" ""No, no, what is more impressive?"" "It's more impressive if you get your driver to come round and drive you home in your Vexhall Volox, er..." "..Vauxhall Velox." "What do you mean?" "Who are you trying to impress?" "Shhh!" "Contact, Rodney, contact." "A new man in the area, stone rich, looking for... business opportunities." "We could earn out of this, Rodney, my little brother!" "Del, what you fail to realise is, when you phoned, I was in the flat with a friend." " Well, why didn't you bring him with you?" " It wasn't a "he"!" "Well, what was it then?" " Have you been up to naughties, Rodney?" " No!" "Just had a feeling something was gonna develop." "Develop?" "You've been playing with my Polaroid again, haven't you?" "No!" " I'll just collect our coats, Derek." " (DEL):" "No rush, Vimmal, me old mucker!" " Who?" " Vimmal, Vimmal Malik, my contact." "Say no more." "(DEL):" "She..." "She said she can't come now 'cause she's weighing the postman." "(DEL BURSTS INTO LAUGHTER.)" "(DEL): 'Ere!" "Do you fancy a nightcap, Vimmal?" "(DEL):" "I know a nice pub that does late tastings, eh?" "(DEL CHUCKLES.)" "Thought you'd given me the slip, did you, Vimmal?" "Why don't you go away and leave me alone?" "(RAM):" "I have no quarrel with you, my friend." "It's this pig's behind, Malik, that I wish to see." " Friend of yours, is it Vimmal?" " He's no one's friend." "Listen John, I don't know what this barney is all about, and I don't wanna know." "So why don't you just get out of the way before someone gets a smack in the ear?" "Please, don't threaten me with violence, my friend." "My colleague here is a 2nd dan in karate." "And I'm a black belt in origami." "Get out of the way." "(DOOR SLAMS AND HEAVY MAKES THREATENING KARATE SOUNDS.)" "(HEAVY MAKES THREATENING KARATE SOUNDS.)" "(HEAVY CONTINUES MAKING THREATENING KARATE SOUNDS.)" "Watch him, Del." "Watch his Kari tari, man!" "I'll watch your bloody kari tari in a minute!" "Shut up, will you?" "Police!" "(SOUND OF A DULL THUD AND A GROAN.)" " Rodney!" "You and Vimmal in the car, quick!" " Right, let's go!" "Well, it's been very pleasant meeting you both. (HEAVY MOANS.)" " Have a nice evening, won't you?" " (RAM):" "My friend!" "It's not good to part in such circumstances." "Could we talk?" "I've done all the talking I wanted to." "A good night each." "(SOUND OF CAR APPROACHING.)" "(DEL SCREAMING);" "Rodney, I didn't mean drive off!" "What a plonker!" "Well, on second thoughts, I quite fancy a nice little chat." "Perhaps you can drop me off home after." "Oh, oh dear!" "Come on me old mate, come on!" "You'll be all right, you'll be all right." " What happened?" " (HEAVY MOANS AND GROANS)" "(RAM SPEAKS TO THE WAITER IN INDIAN.)" "(DEL TO THE WAITER):" "Yeah, John!" "That is twice, all right?" "Ah!" "I think your brother has arrived, Mr Trotter." "Yeah." "Could you excuse me a minute, Mr Ram?" " Excuse me ..." "Rodney!" " (RODNEY):" "Del!" "(RODNEY):" "Are you all right?" "I thought you was in bother!" "That's why it took you an hour and a half to come!" "Didn't grandad tell you that I called?" "Oh yeah, he told me! "Del Boy's been captured by the Indians," he said." "I didn't know whether to phone the police or the Texas Rangers." "If you were so worried about your brother, so worried about me, how come it's taking you till 12:40 a.m. to come to me rescue?" "Because your telephone message lacked something in clarity!" "You didn't tell grandad which Indian restaurant you was in." "I've been crashing through the doors of every curry house and takeaway from Battersea Bridge to Colliers Wood tube station!" "(RODNEY):" "I can now leap out of that Vauxhall Velox Dukes of Hazard fashion, make a chapati, and say get stuffed in Urdu!" "All right, I forgive you, Rodney." "That's nice..." "So..." "Is there gonna be trouble?" "Is..." "No, no, put the spoon down!" " Thank God for that!" " All right, come on!" "Rodney, I would like you to meet Mr Ram." "(DEL):" "He owns this restaurant." "Of course you know Oddjob.(CHUCKLES.)" " Nice restaurant, Mr Ram, very..." " .." "Indian." " Yeah, Indian." " (RAM):" "Thank you." " (DEL):" "Sit down, sit down." " I was just telling your brother how well I've done since I came to Britain." "I now own 18 of these restaurants altogether." " (RAM):" "I also own a lot of land." " (DEL):" "Yeah." "Oddjob's got a couple of acres an' all, hasn't he?" "(LAUGHS.)" " Hey, easy!" " (RODNEY):" "That's a spoon, Del!" "(RAM SPEAKS TO HEAVY IN INDIAN)" "(RAM):" "I'm telling you, if I got into my car at 9 o'clock in the morning, it would take me till two in the afternoon to drive around my land." "Yeah?" "We had a car like that once!" " What?" " Don't matter." "So, you and this Vimmal, you've been having a bit of an up and downer?" "Don't mention that name at this table, it will sour the food." " What's it all about, then?" " I'll tell you what it's all about, Mr Trotter." "It's about truth, it's about righteousness, but above all, it's about justice." "Vimmal, that... that pig's behind," "(RAM): has something that's rightfully mine." "You see, our families have been engaged in a vendetta for many, many years." "It goes back to the days of the old Empire." " He means the British, not the Kilburn." " I know that, I know that!" " Pray continue." " Now, my family fought against the British, whereas Malik's family supported them." "When the conquest of Mother India was finally complete, the British Raj decided to reward the Maliks' loyalty, by giving them my family's land." " You mean they just took it off your family?" " That's correct." "They destroyed the home, they plundered the family's temple and then sold the land." "The Maliks have built a business empire with the proceeds." "(DEL WHISTLES HORRIFIED) Couldn't you write to "That's Life"?" " "That's Life"?" " Yeah." "(RAM):" "But this happened a century ago, Mr Trotter." "If Lord Krishna himself couldn't help us," "I really don't think Esther Rantzen would stand much chance." "(DEL):" "No, right, it was just a thought." "(TO RODNEY):" "Get off!" "Vimmal Malik has in his possession the one single item that remains of my birthright." "It's a simple porcelain statuette of Kuvera." " You know of Kuvera?" " (RODNEY):" "Yeah." " You don't know who Kuvera is!" " Yes, I do." "Right then, tell us!" " What?" " Who is he?" " Who?" " Kuvera!" "Oh!" "Well, it was..." "..all right, I don't know!" "See what I mean?" "He's got two O levels, and thinks he's Bamber Gascoigne's vest." "(RODNEY):" "All right, mastermind, who is he then?" "Kuvera was one of India's premier wicketkeepers!" " You berk!" " Kuvera is the Hindu god of wealth, from the second aspect of the Trimurti, the Hindu trinity." "Oh, yeah, that Kuvera!" "Oh, yeah, gotcha now." "There's two of them." "(RAM):" "In worldly terms, the statuette is of little value." "But in religious and sentimental terms, it's precious to me and I want it back." "It's mine by right." "I'm a rich man, Mr Trotter." "(RAM):" "I shouldn't have to stoop to the kind of intimidation you witnessed tonight." "I'm prepared to buy it back from Vimmal Malik." "I would pay four thousand pounds." "Four, four, four thousand pounds!" "Why don't you just make him an offer?" "It's impossible!" "It's this wretched caste system." "He belongs to the high caste, and I belong to the low caste." " No, don't put yourself down." " (RAM):" "We can't meet, talk or communicate." "So, you see my friends, I'm up a gum tree without a paddle." "Seems to me, what you need is a mutual friend, someone who can talk to the both of you, act as a go-between." "Perhaps you and your brother." "Us?" "Huh!" "Well..." "What?" "I suppose we could!" "I mean, God!" "Why didn't we think of that, Rodney?" "I think one of us already did, Del." "If you help me to reclaim the statuette, I don't know how I'd ever reward you." "Well, I've always fancied one of them video recorders!" "No, no, 'pas de bas', 'pas de bas"." "We'll go and see this Mr Vimmal tomorrow." "Four thousand pounds, you said, right?" "Right." "Oh!" "But I must make one thing quite clear." "I don't trust this man, Vimmal Malik." "You see, he comes from a long line of swindlers." "I won't part with a single penny, until I have the statuette safely in my hands." "Don't you worry." "Don't worry, Mr Ram." "Me and Vimmal, we're like that." "(DEL CHUCKLES.)" "Good job that we didn't call the police tonight." "Oh!" "What happened?" "(VIMMAL):" "I'm surprised at you Derek, and you also, Rodney." "How could you share a meal with that..." "..that gutter dog?" " I thought you were my friends." " We are your friends, my old mucker." "Just trust me, will you?" "Trust me!" "You see, this Mr Ram, er..." "..the gutter dog... ..well, he told us all about the little misunderstanding that your two families have been having for the last hundred years or so." "He also mentioned something about the statue of some god or another." "Kuvera, the god of wealth." "That's him, that's the boy, yeah, well. (DEL CHUCKLES.)" "Yeah well, you know." "Well, without beating around the bush... ..you know, I mean well, you know, to cut a long story short..." "(DEL): ..well, not to put too fine a point on it..." " He wants to buy it off you." " (DEL):" "He..." "(VIMMAL):" "Buy it from me?" "He must have gone mad, or he's been eating too many of his own curries." "Buy it from me, indeed!" "I wouldn't sell it to him if he offered me a million pounds." "(VIMMAL):" "How much did he offer?" "Purely out of curiosity." " Two thousand pounds!" " Two?" "I thought Mr Ram..." "A thousand pounds, right, but I persuaded him to double it." "(VIMMAL):" "Two thousand pounds?" "No, no, I can't sell it to him." "Two thousand pounds, Vimmal, my old mucker!" "You know, not to be sneezed at, is it?" "I will not deny that I'm tempted, Derek." "I thought of selling the statue once before." "The most I was offered was 150 pounds." "Now look, Vimmal." "See, I get the impression that you're not quite as rich and successful as you told me you were at the Chamber of Trade bash." "I mean take a look at this place!" "It's hardly the Ritz, eh?" "(CHUCKLES)" "(DEL):" "More like the Nits!" "I will admit I have suffered some misfortunes in my business dealings of late." "Son, two grand on the hip would come in dead handy?" "Two thousand pounds would come in dead handy, as you say." "(VIMMAL):" "But I can't communicate with him, I'm of a high caste, he's a low caste." "You don't have to communicate with him, Vimmal, my old mucker." "That's where me and Rodders come in, you see?" "We're acting as go-betweens." "Even so, I cannot accept his offer." "See, it would be like betraying my family." "The statue was left to me by my father." " You wouldn't understand, would you?" " Oh, yes." "Wouldn't we, Rodney?" " Would we, Del?" " (DEL):" "Oh, yeah." "Our... our late mother..." "..well, she's dead now." "(DEL):" "She left us this family heirloom." "It was... ..it was this Victorian globe." " It meant the world to us." " It's..." "As he said, it meant the world to us." "But there came a time when we fell upon stony ground." " We fell upon stony ground?" " Yes." "And the only thing we had of any value was this Victorian globe that we cherished." " You sold it?" " No, I raffled it down the betting shop." "Of course, you understand the sense of loss." "Well not really, no, because by some stroke of fortune Del had the winning ticket." "Yeah, I think it was God, or something." " You think I should sell it to him?" " Yes of course, Vimmal, my old mucker." "I mean, what is it?" "It's just an ancient piece of old religious pottery, eh?" "And with two thousand pounds, wisely invested," "I mean, in a couple of years, you could replace it with... ..who knows, well a Capo Del Monte." "(DEL):" "Yeah, and personally..." "..anyway I'm sorry, I've gotta tell you this." "I think that statue is cursed." " Cursed?" " Leave it out, Del!" "(DEL):" "Do not underestimate the powers of darkness, Rodney!" "For a god of wealth he ain't done Vimmal no favours, has he?" "I'm not a superstitious man, Derek, but I'm a business man and a realist." "I have decided to accept his offer." "Well, you know it makes sense, Vimmal." " I'll go and fetch the statue." " Yeah, good man." " (DEL SIGHS IN RELIEF.) - (RODNEY ANGRILY):" "Now, just what..." " (VIMMAL):" "You'll excuse me, won't you?" " (DEL):" "Certainly, yes." "What is your game, Del?" "Ram offered four thousand." " How come you're offering two?" " Slip of the tongue." "When he returns, you won't mind me telling the truth?" "No, don't you do that!" "He'll think I'm trying to con him!" " You are trying to con him!" " No man is an island, Rodney." "(RODNEY):" "I know that, Del!" "What I'm on about is..." " What's that supposed to mean?" " What it means..." "Look, the French have a saying, Rodney:" ""Bouillabaisse, mon ami."" ""Bouillabaisse, mon ami." That means fish stew, my friend!" "Need I say more?" "(RODNEY):" "Don't fob me off with your stupid French phrases!" "You're trying to con him out of 2000 quid." "We'll get lumbered!" "How?" "Say Ram and Vimmal meet and discuss the deal?" "That's the beauty of it!" "They cannot meet because of the wonderful caste system!" "It's Christmas come early for us!" "(DEL):" "Anyway, if it wasn't for kind-hearted people like us willing to be go-betweens," "Vimmal would end up with nothing!" "And as it is, 2000 pounds's better than a kick up the bot from Bobby Charlton, ain't it?" " It's immoral!" " It's free enterprise!" " It's illegal, then!" " So it's against the law and all!" "But we can earn a thousand pounds a piece out of this!" " It's fraud!" " Are you in?" " Yeah." " (DEL):" "All right!" "Ah!" "Ah, oh well, this is it, is it, Vimmal, my old mucker?" "(DEL):" "Oh yeah, lovely." "Oh yeah, it's lovely, yeah." "Wonderful workmanship!" "Of course, I'm a Ming fan myself, you know." "Yeah, he made some wonderful stuff, didn't he, that Ming?" "Pity he went and died when he did, didn't he?" " Ming was a dynasty, Derek." " I don't care what he was, Vimmal... ..he made a smashing vase." "(DEL):" "Anyway, we'll pop this round to Mr Ram and bring you back 2000 pounds, posthaste as they say in ancient Rome, all right?" "(VIMMAL):" "No, Derek!" "This does not leave my side until his money's on the table." "Eh?" "No no, no, no, no." "No, sorry..." "look!" "You don't understand." "'Cause he said that you won't get a penny until he has that statue safely in his hands." "I don't care what he said." "I don't trust him." "He comes from a long line of cheats." "You bring me his money first, then you can take him the statue." "No, but you see..." "..no you see, he said... ..he said: "Bring me the statue, and then you can have the money!"" " I don't care what he said, Derek." " He don't care what he said, Derek." "I heard what he said!" " I'll leave Rodney as a deposit." " Hey?" "What else can I do?" "He won't let that go till he gets the money, and he won't let the money till he gets that..." "..Oh Gordon Bennett!" "This is classic, ain't it?" "It's the bacon and the egg situation all over again." " It's the chicken and the egg, Del." " We haven't got time to discuss food!" "Talk to him, Derek." "Persuade him to submit to my terms." "After all, you have influence over him." "You've already persuaded him to double his offer from one thousand to two thousand pounds." "Yeah well, all right, all right." "All right, Vimmal, I'll see what I can do then." "(DEL):" "I'll..." "You know, I'll get back to you, all right?" "You know, you... all right, stay loose, okay?" " (RODNEY):" "Cool." " (DEL):" "And don't you worry, Vimmal." "I mean, me and old Ram, we're like that." "We're like..." "like that, yeah." "Yeah, thanks, come on." " (DEL):" "What're we gonna do now?" " Forget the whole thing." "What?" "How can we forget the whole thing?" "2000 pounds up for grabs and you say forget it?" " There's gotta be another way." " There isn't." "Ram won't pay a penny till he's got the statuette in his hands, and Vimmal won't let the statuette go till he's got Ram's money." "Yeah, cheers." "Yeah, what he thinks is Ram's money." "What're you on about now?" "Well, let's say, just for instance, that we had two thousand pounds lying around at home doing nothing in particular." " Just mooching about?" " Yeah, kicking its heels, that sort of thing." "And let's say that we gave Vimmal that two thousand pounds, right?" "And we pretended that we just collected it from Mr Ram." "Vimmal wouldn't know any better, would he?" "So, thinking that he'd won the battle, and as happy as a sand boy, he'd hand over the statuette, which we would then whip round to Mr Ram, who also thinking that he'd won the battle, and being equally chuffed as a sand boy," "would hand over to us four thousand lovely smackeroonios." "We would get on our bike leaving them to play sand castles." "(DEL CHUCKLES)" " Brilliant, ain't it?" " Yeah, there's only one problem I can see." "How the hell do we get 2000 pounds?" "You always bring little details up, don't you?" " We'll get it from the bank." " What, rob it?" " That's a..." "No, we'll borrow it from a bank." " Wait!" "This is gilt-edge security, ain't it?" "You can't stroll into a bank and ask for a loan to help you pull off a con trick." " Besides, we haven't got a bank account." " Yeah, well!" "(DEL):" "There's gotta be another way of raising the money, there's just gotta be." " 'Ere!" "We're general traders, ain't we?" " Yeah." "Well, why don't we start trading generally?" "We could flog our stock that we've got in the garage, no?" "We could sell the deep freeze, the Vauxhall Velox." " The three wheel van?" " They'd want a tenner to take that away!" "No, we could flog grandad's telly, we could flog... ..'ere, my jewellery!" "That'd bring in enough, I mean it's 27 carat." " I thought it was 9 carat!" " When I was buying, now I'm selling." "We could sell that leather coat." "You're not talking about my leather coat?" "No, I'm talking... have you got one?" "We'll knock that one out." " Good idea." " Come on, Del, we'll never raise two grand." "We can, Rodney!" "You can do anything if you want it hard enough!" "We can do it, Rodney!" "We can do it." " (RODNEY):" "Yeah, yeah!" " (DEL):" "Come on then!" "Well!" "Thanks a lot." "It's... tempus fugit then, eh?" "Hell, yeah." " Where's your watch, Derek?" " At the mender's." "I broke it last night playing, you know, volleyball." " I thought you were right-handed." " Me?" "No, no, no, no, I'm ambiguous." "(DOOR SLAMS.)" "(DEL):" "Hey!" "Rodders!" "What about that, my son?" "!" "(DEL LAUGHS.)" "Here I c..." "Oh!" "(DEL SCREAMS.)" "(DEL SCREAMS.)" "(DEL CLEARS HIS THROAT.)" "(WAITER):" "Good afternoon, gentlemen." "A table for two?" " No, thank you." " No, thank you?" " We'd like to see Mr Ram." " Mr Ram?" " The owner." " The owner?" "Terrible echo in here, isn't there, Rodney?" "We'd like to speak to the owner, Mr Ram." " The owner, Mr Ram?" " There it goes again!" "What's the matter?" "Now listen, listen." "We would like to talk to the proprietor of this restaurant, all right?" "I am the proprietor of this restaurant." " No, you don't understand." " (DEL WHISPERS)" "We want to see the real owner, huh?" " I am the real owner." " (DEL):" "All right." "All right, all right, listen." "Just wait, hang on a mo'." "Just watch my lips, all right?" "Where is Mr Ram?" "I don't know any Mr bloody Ram, so will you please leave?" " You drunks always come causing trouble." " We're not drunks, are we?" "Look!" "I had a couple of meals here recently." " You must remember me!" " I'm sorry, you all look alike to me." " (DEL):" "What's he talking about we're alike?" " He's making it up." " Look, look." "My brother, right...?" " Me, right." "..was in here dining with a couple of Indian gentlemen, right?" "One was sort of large, large and aggressive, all right?" "Big." "You know, and the other one was smaller." "(DEL):" "He was smaller than that." "Get down there!" "Right, that big and more business-like." "He had a beard." "Beard!" "He had a beard!" " (RODNEY):" "A beard." " That Mr Ram!" " (DEL):" "Yes!" " (RODNEY):" "Yes!" " I know who you're talking about now." " (DEL):" "At last!" "He's the one who gave me a bouncy cheque." "(MANAGER):" "And a short while ago I went to the address written on the back." "He's scarpered, owing three weeks rent." " Del Boy!" " No, no, no, no, no." "This is a mistake!" "He told me he owned this restaurant." " He told me he owned 18 of them in fact." " Maybe he was fibbing." "Fibbing!" "Maybe he was fibbing?" "I have just given him 2000 pounds for this on the strength of him fibbing!" "2000 pounds?" "But why?" "You can get them in Portobello Road for seventeen pounds each." "It's amazing what you can save if you shop around." "I got a nosebleed coming, Rodney!" "(SOUNDS OF LAUGHTER.)" "He tried to tell me that the statue was cursed!" "(LAUGHTER.)" "He told me that he thought Kuvera was a wicketkeeper." "(LAUGHTER.)" "Let's see, now we've done Cardiff, Bristol, Southampton and now north and south London." "Where to next?" "Oh, to Birmingham, then Manchester, then Newcastle, even maybe Liverpool." "In fact, anywhere where there are people who think they can exploit" " the religious bigotry of two stupid immigrants." " (RAM LAUGHS.)" "We'll be rich, my friend, very rich." " I'll drink to that, me old mucker!" " (VIMMAL LAUGHS.)" " (RODNEY):" "No sign of Vimmal?" " No." "Packed his bags and had it away on his toes five minutes after we left." "As Macbeth said to Hamlet in "Midsummer Night's Dream":" ""We've been done up like a couple of kippers!"" " Right, let's go to the police." " That's a good idea, that's marvellous!" "We'll give them a good laugh down there." "Just imagine it:" "Trotter brothers conned out of two grand." "It'll be over the manor in no time." "We'll never be able to hold our heads up in court again." "I don't know how people like Vimmal and his mate can sleep at night, honest, I don't!" "Lost everything:" "leather coats, Vauxhall Velox, grandad's telly." "Hey, I've just remembered something:" "grandad was renting that telly." "Oh, terrific!" "Come on, let's get something to eat." "I always feel emotionally peckish when I've been gutted." "There's a curry house down the road, Del." "No, only joking, Del Boy." "(RODNEY):" "Del, only joking, Del!" "# We've got some half price cracked ice and miles and miles of carpet tiles" "# TVs, deep freeze and David Bowie LPs" "# Ball games, gold chains, what's-their-names and at a push" "# And Trevor Francis track suits from a mush in Shepherd's Bush" "# Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush" "# No income tax, no VAT" "# No money back, no guarantee" "# Black or white, rich or poor," "# We'll cut prices at a stroke" "# God bless Hooky Street!" "# Viva Hooky Street!" "# Long live Hooky Street!" "# C'est magnifique, Hooky Street!" "# Magnifique, Hooky Street!" "# Hooky Street"