"Previously on Awkward..." "Jenna, you could disappear and no one would notice." "Everyone one thinks I tried to kill myself." "And there's a lame guy selling t-shirt." " I don't think you tried to kill yourself." " Jenna, I like you." "I'm just not sure I'm ready to be in a relationship." "It was Saturday, but instead of kicking back my mother was forcing me to attend a party" "Thrown by the elite mother/daughter charity league, known as the knick-knackers." "Unfortunately, three spots were open, and I was sick at the thought of actually landing one." "'Cause the knick-knackers weren't obsessed with helping the homeless." "They were obsessed with plastic." "Plastic was the power currency of palos verdes," "In the skin and in the wallet." "To be a certified p." "V. Mom meant you had to rock a bodacious body and a black amex, neither of which were earned by a day job." "To a p." "V. Mom, "working" meant working out or working a room or being a knick-knacker." "And my mom was gonna stay up in my grill until she became one." "Sweetie, please try and make a good impression." " I'm trying." " Try harder." "Did we miss anything?" "Tamara was positively paranoid getting ready." "'Cause you hijacked my fave footies." "Mom, I did you a solid." "You can't wear sandals with a tweaked toe stitch." "Do these wedges look cheapsky?" "No, not at all." "No, they look very chic." "Love you." "Okay, now it's time to divide..." "And conquer." "Where is your name tag?" "I'm trying to keep a low pro." "Heed off any embarrassment for you." "Too late." "As always, I was powerless to my mother's subtle persuasion." "I was also strangely powerless to the feeling that the house belonged to someone emotionay disturbed." "Or worse, evil incarnate." "Mo to the fo." "I was in sadie saxton's house." "You know this is a charity league, not a charity, right?" "Can I get a name tag?" "When you cut your name across your wrist, is it with one "n" or two?" "Ha." "Two." "You're welcome." "Whoa there." "Hi, I didn't expect to see you here." "Just a little part-time gig." "Sadie hooked me up." "So what's going on?" "You wanna be a knick-knacker?" "No, I do not." "My mother does." "I'm here under duress." "Well, you look nice." " I do?" " Yeah." "Thank you." "So did you get my text?" "About hanging out tonight, yes." "But I..." "Better get back to work." "Is McKibben schlocking cocktails?" "Yes, we just talked." "But he seemed a little distant." "Do I look like a howker?" "My mom made me wear mascara." "Or do you think matty knows jake kissed me?" "No way." "Guys don't talk." "Plus, you said it was an accident." "I'd say the freak-a-deak was in response" "To your name tag." "Bitch." "You have to be cruel to be kind." "Why does that expression sound so familiar?" "It's number seven on the letter." "You have to be cruel to be kind." "Both:" "Sadie wrote the letter!" "Welcome, ladies." "I am Darlene Saxton," "President of the knick-knackers, and this is my beautiful and dedicated daughter sadie." "Beautiful?" "Questionable." "Dedicated?" "Not a question." "Sadie was dedicated to making my life hell." "After today's orientation," "A few of you will be invited to join a chapter event, and from there three of you will be initiated." "Okay, go." "Pretend to fit in." "What do you think?" "It was the mother of my enemy." "I like it." "Is it gessick?" "You have a good eye." "My husband, he thinks it's pretentious vandalism." "But really, it's my husband who's pretentious." "Darlene seemed cool." "Maybe sadie was adopted." "I just bought another piece." "Come." "Your home is spectacular." "I know." "But it'll need a serious scrubbing after all the trash leaves." "It must be frustrating putting on a show with girls you don't like." "I don't." "I tell it like I see it." "And as I see it, there's a girl here" "Who should be shot." "Your hair has so much shine." "Thank you, it's natural." "I wish my daughter had that shine." "Do you know jenna?" "Only by reputation." "She seems very special." "Oh, especially when she does her hair." "So why is she... never mind." "No, you can ask me anything." "Is she mentally ill?" "Honey, can you fix my friend up with a drink please?" "Excuse me." "Ah, sabrina." "What do you want?" "I wanted to hang out with him." " Ginger ale?" " Any ginger ale down there?" "I hadn't seen jake since he'd impulsively shoved his tongue down my throat." "And by the look of him, you'd have thought I never gave it back." "Babe." "Anyway, babe, make sure you grab a bottle of schnapps for later,'kay?" "Ily!" "Dude." "What's going on?" "Miss montgomery feel you up too?" "Okay, look, here's the deal." "Okay, but you gotta promise" "You're not gonna tell anybody, okay?" "Yeah, put away your titties and tell me." "I kissed jenna hamilton." " What?" " Just..." "What are you doing?" "Snooping." "I found satan's room." "Oh, we should not be in here." "Of course we should." "The cow has perpetually tried sabotaging your life." "Time to sabotage hers." "What are you doing?" " I'm gonna pee on her bed." " You can't." "You're right." "It'll leave dna." "She has straight a's?" "Made sense." "To be a raging bitch, sadie had to be clever." "And to be clever, she had to be smart." "Of course." "She rides horses." "Dude, how big is that horse?" "O.M.G." "I found the mother lode." "That's not cool." "That's her diary." "What a you doing in here?" "Adjusting." "Jenna sat on a votive, so we had to hide the hole." "All done." "No more ass crack." "Okay!" "The diary was seductive," "And yet reading it just didn't..." " Ahh!" " Sit right." "I think our chances are strong." "Did you see how much darlene took a liking to you?" "We are all but in." "Are you sure this is a good idea?" "We can volunteer on our own." "Yeah, but then what's in it for us?" "Sweetie, are you feeling too much pressure?" "Mrs. Saxton's daughter mentioned..." "Sadie." "What did sadie mention?" "She said you were acting a little strange at school." "Are you feeling okay?" " She seemed really worried." " I'm sure she is." "But there's nothing to worry about, mom." "We are gonna rock the knick-knackers." "We are!" "Now I am gonna go rock dinner." "Enough was enough." "I was tired of being powerless to sadie's sinister savagery." "It was time for me to employ my own mean girl ammunition." "But it turns out," "I didn't just have sadie's diary." "I had her food journal." "And the one thing sadie would never want to get out, her weight." "It's her food diary?" "And a log of her weight." "She's actually making a lot of strides." "I gotta see it." "Where is it?" "At home." "I couldn't risk losing it." "I mean, now that I have the upper hand," "I need to figure out how to play it." "You play your hand by letting her know you have a hand." "Then you hold it over her head so she'll leave you alone." "So I just walk up to her and say," ""hey, sadie, I have your food journal." "And yeah, I stole it."" "That'll go over well." "Think about the little people." "She's not just ruining your life." "She's ruining everyone's." "You suck at being anorexic." "Time to embrace bulimia." "You're welcome." "If you just admit your parents are cousins, people will stop making fun of your learning disability." "You're welcome." "Be muy excelent at gardening or busing tables," "And maybe you'll get to stay in this country." "De nada." "J, this is your chance to be a hero." "You have all the power." "Yeah, but with power comes responsibility." "I have to be strategic." "What I need is a plan." "And a mature perspective." "Something eating you up?" "Actually, yes, there's this girl, this very mean girl, who's been out to get me, and recently I came into possession of something that could bring her down." "But I'm not ready to resort to fighting fire with fire, and yet I'm not really sure talking things out" "Is a good idea." "You did the right thing by coming to me." "Who is this problem child?" "Sadie saxton." "Oh, my." "Oh, my, oh, my, oh, my, oh, my, oh, my." "And you're not comfortable with blackmail?" "Ugh, I can see why you're in a pickle." "You and I both know how manipulative sadie can be, and I bet that makes you angry." "You probably want to fight her." "Yeah, no, it makes me angry, but I don't..." "But she is bigger than you, she is stronger than you, and she's a whole lot meaner." "So if you're gonna fight her, you have to fight dirty." "Pull her hair, scratch her eyes out, punch her in those big old fun bags." "Boom, boom." "You're encouraging me to fight her?" "Of course not." "I am a professional." "Are you sure there isn't another solution?" "Can't you do something?" "Uh, see, that's a tricky sitch." "On the one hand sadie has hurt a lot of people, but on the other she could hurt me." "See how that's a conflict of interest?" "So you never told me what you're gonna do about jenna." " There's nothing to do." " Not into her?" "It was just an impulsive kiss, man, come on." "A real kiss or like a peck?" "I can't remember." "Probably means it wasn't very good." "Who started it, you or her?" " What does it matter?" " It doesn't." "Just trying to help you sort things out, considering you have a girlfriend and all." "Why do you care so much?" "I don't." "I'm just trying to help you, asshole." "So you think I should say something to jenna?" "No!" "No, just let it go." "Yeah, she's probably not thinking about it." "Or you." "Right?" "You're right." "They're just terrible and elitist snobs." "And named after crap that clutters up your house." "See, now you don't have to clutter up your calendar with all of their b." "S. Charity events." "For shiz." "We're better than them." "Pfft, we are." "Now you're gonna go home and you're not gonna let them see you sweat." "Mom, I am so sorry we didn't get in." "That totally blows." "It does." "But not for us!" "We made it to the next round!" "I just didn't want to say anything in front of tam because she was feeling so bad." "Aren't you excited?" "I am on the inside." "Oh, sweetie, don't worry about not having tamara around." "This is gonna be a great opportunity" "For you to meet new friends." "Oh, like that sweet, sweet sadie." "Don't even think about crossing me, consuela." "'cause the last housekeeper that ratted me out was conveniently "deportate."" "Sadie!" "Don't come in." "I said don't come in!" "I don't need a lecture right now." "Well, you won't have the life you want" "If you keep up these bad habits." "You could have scored any man you wanted." "Why did you have to pick a man with a fat gene?" "He wasn't fat when we got married." "Well, thanks to you and your lack of due diligen," "I'm gonna die alone because you fell in love" "With a man with strong recessive chub." "You won't die alone." "Right." "I forgot about patty, my lesbian lover who'd rather eat pizza than have sex." "You don't understand what it's like to be surrounded by all of the girls who can eat everything and do everything, and they're perfect." "Oh, pumpkin." "They never have to think twice about calories or how they'll look in their plus-size party dresses, which are really hard to find by the way because the only stores that sell sexy dresses in my size are chola stores," "And I'm not a hoochie, and I don't wear tangerine well." "I just want to wake up and wear whatever I feel like wearing 'cause it all fits" "And looks good." "But instead I'm powerless to the sausages that double as my arms and the jenny craig that lives inside my head." "You have no idea how hard I'm trying, mom." "I'm really trying." "Honey, I know you are." "And you will be successful" "If you track what you eat." "Are you still writing it all down?" "Good." "Honey, you know who might be a good person to talk to?" "Jenna hamilton." "She has a darling figure." "Don't tell anyone." "So it's a knick-knacker secret?" "Tell clarissa that the next event is actually formal even though it doesn't say it on the invite." "All in-the-know mothers and daughters are gonna be decked out." "Am I in-the-know?" "Yes." "I just told you." "Suddenly, I knew the way in." "Or I had a way out if I didn't tell my mother." "But I was a sucker." "Thank god you have the inside track." "Could you imagine if we were the only ones to show up wearing jeans?" "It would be humiliating." "Yes, which begs the question, why would you want to be affiliated with horrible women who want to humiliate each other?" "Because..." "Being a knick-knacker means that" "I won't just be that girl who got knocked up in high school or that girl who didn't go to college and make something of herself." "If we get in," "I will finally be the person that I've always wanted to be." "You'll be a knick-knacker." "And I'll be in." "Apparently mean girls don't grow up." "They just get older." "Mom, you can still go to college." "Yeah, but what's the point?" "I'm too old to pledge a sorority." "I know exactly what I'm gonna wear!" "It's dressy without being too fancy." "Okay." "I am going to kill you." "I cannot believe you purposefully sabotaged us." " Hi." " I didn't." "I swear, I heard sadie say it was a formal event." "I thought she told you." "Well, we're not really on speaking terms." " She sorta hates me." " Now I get it." "You made me look like an idiot so you could turn your nose up to her and this entire organization that you never really wanted to join." "Just selfish." "Oh, god, great!" "Now I've ruined my dress." "Way to be sensitive to the cause." "Sadie had set me up." "And I was finally prepared to exact revenge." "Or was I?" "Sadie didn't just hate me." "She hated herself." "She was as powerless to the stigma of her weight as I was to the stigma of my fake suicide." "Was it possible that we had something in common?" "Fuck that." "I had to take the bitch down." "How does it feel to mock the homeless?" "Heartless much?" "T, you know what I've been craving lately?" "Fluffernutters." "I have a real weakness for them." "You oozing..." "Skitch." "Give me my journal back or I will make your life miserable." "Well, you kind of already do that, so how'bout making my life a little better?" "How'bout ensuring I get a bid for the knick-knackers?" "How'bout you go fuck yourself?" " Give it back." " How do you want it?" "Posted all over the walls or over the web?" "We could make her a copy of it." "That's a great idea, but why not share the wealth?" "You wouldn't dare." "You have to be cruel to be kind." "You're welcome." "Let's welcome our new knick-knackers." "I had sealed the deal for my mom." "So it was time to seal one for myself." "One more thing." "Why did you write me that evil letter?" "What letter?" "You know, the one you were too cowardly" "To sign your name to." "If I wrote you an evil letter, you better believe I'd sign my name." "She was telling the truth." "But if sadie didn't write the letter, who did?" "How do I know you didn't make a copy?" "You don't." "Guess you're just gonna have to trust me." "Where sadie's power was about being cruel," "I decided mine was about being kind." "Looks like you're in the clear with hamilton." "Good thing you didn't make a big deal out of it." "Yeah, I was thinking the same thing." "You know, like if I woulda said something, it might encourage her, you know?" "Yeah." "Yeah, not a good idea." "You know, but then talking it out with you made me realize I might be kind of into her." "And maybe it would be good to talk it out so something like that kiss doesn't happen again." "I'm saving you, dude." "Trust me." "Jenna, she has low self-esteem, which is a strong marker" "She will follow in her mother's footsteps and get pregnant at 17." "Sadie made a good point." "She said as a charity organization, we should have at least one charity case." "No, it's bugging me." "I'm gonna text jenna, see if she wants to talk." "What if she doesn't text you back?" "She's gonna have all the power." "What?" "This isn't junior high." "Excuse us." "I'm not feeling well." "I've come to my senses." "We don't belong here." "Ah, she wants me to call her." "Oh, god." "Power was a zero-sum game." "When you allow someone to take it, they will." "Matty had all the power in our relationship because I let him." "But that was about to change." "Go, go, go, go, go, go!" "Go, go, go, go, go."