"my mother really wishes she could be here." "But, um, her amateur novel writing keeps her in california" "Instead of with her cancer-riddled daughter." "Well, i'm happy to help in any way that i can." "I guess if you could just give me a summary of where we are." "To you or to the camera?" "Oh, the camera." " Yeah, you can pretend she's..." " Okay, well Real bitch, if that helps." "Um, it's stage three." "Which means, it's embedded in your bi-structures, in this case, the mandible," "And also entered the lymphatic system." "Mmm-hmm." "And can you tell my mother what the next step would be in treatment?" "Well, that's not primarily my decision." "I mean, probably, like remove my jaw, though, right?" "Kinda, kinda like these people." " Well..." " That'll be me someday." "That's a question for the maxillofacial surgeon." "Well, then," "Can you just say to the camera that i'm not getting any better," "And that what happens to everybody with this disease will happen to me?" "Reilly, if..." "As we discussed before, no two cases are alike." "Statistically, what?" "I have a 60 % chance of being dead in two years even with surgery, 90 % without." "We don't like to view things that way." "What, if you did?" "Well..." "We don't like to view things that way." "Okay." "¶" "¶" "¶" "¶" "¶" "¶" "¶" "¶" "tomorrow the coconut leaves..." "Hey, friend, hey, hi." " I don't think your buds are on." " Sorry?" "I think your buds aren't plugged all the way in the jack." " Oh." " Yeah." "Oh, crap, sorry about that." "No, it's all good." "Hey, i'm a big fan of language tapes." "It's just there is this noise sensitive individual a few rows back, so..." " Oh, well, thanks." " Yeah." "Oh, i wasn't being sarcastic, by the way, i really do like language tapes." "Sorry, what?" "It was kind of a thing, as a kid," "I'd go to the library, listen to dozens of them." "Hey, actually, do you mind if i come sit next to you?" "Oh, no, you can... okay, yeah, okay." "Okay." "So, i'm guessing indonesia?" "Hmm?" "Uh, the..." "Herring shoal." "Oh, samoan." " Oh, that's samoan." " About you local library..." "What?" "Uh, you said when you were a kid that you went to the library." "Right, yes, yes." "I did, i said that." "No, i didn't." "That was, that was a total lie." "Truth is when i was on medicaid, they didn't offer a mental health benefit" "Unless you could prove you were, like, bat-shit fucking crazy," "So, i told my shrink that i listened to language tapes as a kid 'cause i didn't hear, "i love you," as a child." "Did..." "You..." "So you defiled the us medicaid system?" "Sadly, no, uh..." "He wrote down in his report that it seemed contrived." "Do you think it seemed contrived?" "Well, i can't say that i know of anyone" "Who'd think of doing something like that." " Thanks." " Yeah." "You seem nice." "¶" "¶ i'm reilly, by the way." "Oh, ogden clarke." "Oh, pleasure to meet you, ogden clark." "You too." "No, really, i'm actually, like, i'm full of pleasure right now." "Okay." "¶" "¶ thank you." "You play the banjo." "Uh, a bit." "Let me guess, you probably sing too..." ""sing" is generous, i think." "Where are you from?" "Uh, well, i got on my first bus a few, a few states ago, what about you?" "Portland, and yet this is my seventh bus." "Fuck, fuck." "Well, uh, i guess we have some time to kill." "Okay, tell you what, you buy me a drink" "And i'll reveal more ways i've abused tax-payer funded programs." "I, i would like that, but, um, i have a rental car waiting for me." "Oh, oh, then, on your way." "Nice meeting you, ogden clarke." "Yeah, you too." "¶" "¶" "¶" "Oh, you know, i could always just drive you in if you wanted." "Just, you know, if you wanted to save a few bucks or whatever." "I don't know." "You might be a rapist of some sort." " I'm not." " Oh, good." "Pinky swear?" "What?" "You have to..." "You have to pinky swear you're not a rapist." "I am serious, ogden clarke." "Yeah, okay." " There we go." " Not, not a rapist." "Let's go." "I'm actually, though, like, not a rapist." "Yeah, i believe you." "I don't think a rapist would keep telling me they're not a rapist." "They'd just rape me." "¶ I'm leaving in the morning ¶" "¶ before the big swap meet ¶" "¶ all of my belongings ¶ what are you doing?" "What are, what are you doing?" "Oh, uh, this is a video." "It's for my mom." "Oh, really?" "It's pretty awesome." "My mom would flip for that kind of thing." "Hey, mom, this is ogden." "Stranger from whom i've accepted this nice ride." "Try to appear not threatening, so it doesn't seem so, you know, reckless." "You're not zooming in on my face, are you?" "Is that a problem?" "Don't you want to get some of the forest stuff?" "Oh, wow, look at that." "It's huge." "Well, we're not even in the main part yet, so..." "Let's see what's up ahead." "All right." "You really don't have to film me, though." "No, i'm gonna do it the whole time." "You..." "That..." "Cool." "¶ I feel a cold when the moment is gone ¶" "¶ how long is a feeling ¶" "¶ will it bring me to my knees?" "¶" "Uh, does anyone here speak english?" " Don't know that one." " Where's the bathroom?" "No." "You can't treat me this way." "I'm an american citizen." "I haven't gone that far yet." "So, what exactly can you say?" "Herring shoal stories aside." "Uh, that's, that's pretty much it at the moment." "And, oh, "woman, go fish for prawns."" "Nice." "So, i see you're getting a job at a very aggressive seafood restaurant." "Uh, no, not exactly." "We're, we're building homes for the poor." " Are we?" " Yeah." "This..." "Part of this group that i am with, "sunshine christian ministries,"" "I see." "And is there something wrong with that?" "Hmm?" "No, no, no." "No problem at all." "I mean, as long as, it isn't some, you know, middle-class poverty cruise," "Rich boy mingles with peasants to discover true humanity for his art." "You know, shows you've romanticized suffering, which..." "Look, i don't hold a copyright to it, but it is kind of my thing." "Uh, we all romanticize suffering." "I don't romanticize my own." "Yeah, i bet you do." "You don't know anything about me." "Well, i know that you're young," "I know you're smart." "I know you're pretty, kind of." "Kind of, yeah." "It's hard to find the part where you're overwhelmed with adversity." " Well, i am." " Yeah." "Yeah." "So what overwhelms you, deciding what hair dye to use?" "Hey, pull over." "Pull the fuck to the side, i want to get out." "Right here." "I want to get out." "¶" "¶" "¶" "¶" "¶" "¶" "Hey, um, listen, i know i can be a bit much so..." "Thanks for not saying i'm insane." "Well, that was before i knew you." "Well..." "Hey, hey, wait, uh..." "Do you think maybe i could buy you breakfast or something tomorrow?" "Uh, actually, i'm booked." "The little sis." "We're having it early." "You know how it is." "Oh, okay, cool." "Well, maybe i could just get your number then." "What for?" "In case, you know, your plans change." "Hey, i'm really glad i met you, ogden." "Thanks for the ride." "And for, you know, not being a rapist." "You're welcome." "So, yeah, i better..." "Have a good life, ogden clarke." "Yeah, you too." ""Yeah, you too."" "Stupid." "So stupid." "¶" "¶" "¶" "¶" "¶" "¶" "¶" "Tricyclic antidepressants." "Purchasable online from "best little drugstore" in bangalore."" "In fact, if you google "suicide"," "The first five hits are online pharmacies." "Make of that what you will." "Hmm, fun fact..." "Never know when the drugs will kick in." "It could take five hours, might be seven." "One last surprise right at the very end." "By the way..." "If you're ever on jeopardy!" "And alex says," ""this is the number one cause for suicide failure in the united states,"" "The correct answer is," ""what is 'changing your mind?" "'"" "¶" "¶" "Fuck!" "Hey, you've reached reilly." "Yeah, no one listens to voice mail any more but go for it." "Okay, well..." "We're back in our comfort zone because everything is totally fucked." "The car is wrecked and i won't be making your last day." "But you don't have to let this fuck up your plans." "Just tweak the details." "Meet a guy, borrow a car, you'll figure it out." "I mean, you're reilly, and i..." "I don't know if i've said this already but..." "I love the shit out of you." "Truth." "I won't be pissed if you tell me the truth." "I said i was going to therapy." "Well, i never heard a word about any therapy until just now." "Yeah, my therapist says i should ignore you." "You know, i do have a line." "It may not be where every dad's line is..." "Yeah, if anyone knows about doing lines..." " Hey, hey." " Fuck off." "No, i need to know where in the hell you were off to" "With a $200.00 bottle of champagne," "Or you're going to find yourself grounded." " You understand?" " Fine." "Fine." "I'm..." "I'm not supposed to tell you this, but i was," "I was going down to la." "This guy came up to me a few days ago, this man, and," " And he's in the fashion business..." " Van." "...And he said he's never seen a face as beautiful as mine, and he loved my scar," "And before i knew it, i had a modeling career in hollywood." "I know i couldn't fucking believe it either." "Don't you dare slam that fucking... ¶" "¶" "Vannie." "Do you remember that 57 strat i said i was going to give you as a graduation gift?" "Yeah, you said it was an unbreakable promise." "'Cause i was thinking..." "Maybe i should donate that to the route 66 museum in barstow." "Dad." "And they'd probably put my name on a plaque or something." "Then you and i, we could drive down there and check out my name on the plaque." "You are so full of shit, you would never give away a 57 strat." "I don't know." "A thing like that, i think it should be where everyone can enjoy it." "Tell me where you were going." "Oh." "Steve stevenson industries." "I need you to wake up." "Something's happened." "Oscar." "Do you know what time it is?" "It's bad." "Okay, are you drunk?" "'Cause if you're drunk, you should be calling your sponsor." "It's reilly." "Okay, i'm hanging up now." "You fucking..." "Reilly is in trouble, bev." "I think you can carve out five seconds for that." "Five seconds?" "Fine." "And don't do that thing where you fucking count." " Four..." " I can't talk to you when you're like this." "Three..." "Van just told me reilly is in sequoia with a gram and a half of tricyclics." "You know what that means, right?" "A gram and a half is a lethal dose." " Two..." " What's going on?" " Did you hear me?" " Nothing, go to sleep, honey." "Did you hear me?" "Did you hear me?" "Yes, i heard you." "I heard the next half dozen things that are about to come out of your mouth." ""We need to call her, we need to beg her," "We need to be her supporting cast" "Because once again, reilly staged a drama."" "Yeah, we have to get down there." "I'm curious, oscar, why do think she adopts these behaviors in the first place?" "I mean, is it possible that if you clap for her pity-party this morning," "She's just going to stage an encore." "Reilly's very sick, bev, you know that." "You know what?" "I'm sick." "I am." "I'm sick and tired of her using her illness for every," "For every negative..." " Defeatist." " Uh, that's good." "Defeatist, impulse..." "Listen, bev, if you don't want to go, that's fine." "Just let me borrow your car." "My car." "The cab's an hour to get here from mariposa." "He wants to borrow the car." "What's the matter with his car?" "What's the matter with your car?" "That's not the issue." "Totalled it again." "Let him rent." "With his duis?" "Bev, i need to know you understand what i'm talking about." "You know, i got to be in los baños this afternoon." "Is there anything else i can help you with?" "What do you want?" "You want me to agree to those fucking terms," "You want me to sign the divorce papers?" "I'm sorry, what does that mean?" "Does that mean you'll accept my offer?" " Seriously?" " I think so." "Nice." " That was good, huh." " That was good." "You were very assertive." "Oh, and "defeatist," that was good." " Thanks, i thought of it myself." " That was better than negative." "You were fine, but i just wanted to give you a little gas, you know." "Yeah, that's..." "It's, it's..." "You know, we've been talking about with words," "It was like, it was more accurate." "Hey." "I swear, i'm not stalking you." "So, i realized i actually never answered your question from before." "What question?" "Uh, just about where i'm from." "Answer's texas." "'Cause i figured you'd make fun of it or something." "I don't have to make fun of it, it's texas." "Nice." "Hey, you mind if i bum one of these?" "Thanks." "You know, you wouldn't guess it" "But there's actually an intense debate" "In sunshine ministries over these little guys." "On the one hand corinthians" "Say that your body is a temple, and that you shouldn't pollute it." "Can i grab that lighter?" "On the other hand, i don't really care about what people say." "It just looks so cool." "Hey, what?" "Don't worry about it." "Don't worry about what?" "I don't need your fucking christian charity right now." "I didn't..." "No, no, no, you did your part, you came over, made an effort." "Just leave me alone, please." " Okay." " Oh, fuck." "Oh, i hate emotional crying." "I wish something would just fall on me right now." "Hey, can i..." "Can i..." "Buy you lunch" "Or something, there's a place just right over there?" "You have to promise not to recoil if i show you." "No making a big deal of it." " Okay." " You can't make light." "But if i smile, you have to make light." "But no laughing, you can never laugh." "Well, you wanna..." "Look." "That bad boy is a stage three osteosarcoma." "Hmm." "There's a stage four where they" "Saw off your jaw and give you a chemo perm." "Or you can go to a national park" "With a gram and a half of tricyclics and that's kind of the warp zone too, you know." "Stage five." "You can say something, you know." "Anything, really." "I've heard it before." "Yeah, i get that a lot, too." "Well, thanks for the help." "Reilly, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait." "Still want to grab lunch?" "Oh, god." "Hey." "Hey." "I think we passed him." "What the hell is he doing?" "Remind me again why i'm doing this." "Quality time." "Dad." "'Cause i wouldn't drive 300 miles with those people" "If they were driving the last car out of hell." "All right." "There he is." "Oscar, how are you?" "Steve." "Van, you're looking great." "Thanks, i'm..." "I'm the homecoming queen." "Wow, how about that?" "She's kidding, steve, that's how she gets." "That's a weird joke to me, okay, i mean, she's a pretty girl." " Shut up, steve." " Stop it, oscar." "We need to hit the road." "We need to hit the road, please." " Oscar, listen to me..." " We don't have time for this." "Oh, you already know what i'm gonna say." " Hey, how is school?" " I have an idea about" "How long it's gonna take you to say it." "Okay, why don't you just get comfortable." "In the back seat of my own car, i will." "Well, then, it should be easy." "Okay, because we're not moving ten feet..." "Which i am still making payments on." "Then maybe you can conduct yourself, okay?" "I am with steve now and that's not gonna change." "Good, he can keep you." "Oscar, i mean this, i have nothing but respect for you." "You're a loser, oscar." "And no one's judging anybody." "We all make our choices in life." "You make me sick." "There's no reason we can't all just have a pleasant drive here." " You want a snack?" " And these little put-downs," "These little sarcasms you have for steve." "I mean, this guy cleans every gear of your clock." " Looks, intelligence..." " Well, it's subjective." " ..." "Personality..." " That's true." "My god, you want to talk about between the legs?" " Oh, my god, mom, stop." " I 'm just saying, the sooner you stop imagining" "That there is this, like, alpha battle to be won," "The sooner we can just all get along." " Good." " Good." " Got it." " Great." "You guys put on your seatbelts and we can get going." " Seriously?" " Yeah, i'm sorry, i can't go into drive." " It's, it's the law, van." " Dad!" "Let me hear those clicks." "And..." "Here we go." "This could be ground zero here." "Right off the general's highway." "And it's about ten miles of gravel road spanning all the way up to the summit." "Hanging rock?" "I'm not a big fan of the unfortunately ironic name and all, but, yeah." "My sister was supposed to drive up early," "Get a bite to eat," "Warm goodbye and then off to my hanging." "She was gonna film my final harrowing moments" "And get the tape to beverly, my mom." "Look, reilly, i know that" "No one can completely know what you're going through..." "No, you can't." "Okay, but, it's..." "The kind of the thing that you're talking about, it's..." "You promised, no christian charity." "Wasn't gonna be christian charity, it was..." " It was gonna be more like..." " Like christian schooling." "I guess." "Nearly a third of suicide victims have undertaken objective analysis" "Favoring the option of self-termination." "You know who told me that?" "My state funded medicaid shrink." "He said, a third of the time suicide is actually understandable." "And he showed me a chart." "Can we go somewhere else?" "Yeah, yeah." "¶" "¶" "Reilly, i want to help you, but..." "I just..." "I guess i don't know exactly what it is that you want from me." "I want you to take me up the mountain." "Oh, i'm not sure i can do that." "Look, it'll take an hour to get up to the peak, two, at the most." "Come on, ogden." "Doesn't the bible say you should have the serenity" "To accept the things that you cannot change," "The courage to change the things you can," "The wisdom to know the difference?" "Pretty sure that's aa." "Hey, let's not split hairs here." "Still church-y sounding advice." "My point is, you just met a girl who says she wants to cash out." "Now, you got to be thinking if that's one of the things you can change or not." "Right?" "Tell you what, you take me up to the peak and i will" "Give my number and the sexual congress it implies." "Please, no, just stop." "Don't do that." "Hey." "Please." "Um..." "You know, steve, i think the speed limit here is actually 65 miles." "Oh, good." "We're well under it." "I think what van meant..." "He knows what she meant." "Steve can be wryly humorous, too." "That's right." "Wait." "Whoa, this isn't even the right road." "Where are we going?" "Yeah, sorry, we're taking a little bit of a detour." "A detour?" "No, no, no, no detours." "We just have to drop steve at his interview in los baños." "That's got to be 50 miles out of the way." "Oh, it's way over 50 miles." " Bev, this is not the time for..." " Calm down." "Steve says that the chances of reilly actually going through with this are like what, 5-10 %." " That's 7 % - see." "Statistically, she's at seven." "I don't think that sounds right." "Well, steve's a psychologist, okay, do you even have a job?" "Thought steve was an efficiency expert, like, last week." "It's a psychological efficiency expert, van." "Yeah, okay." "My work is mostly in education consulting." "It's a pretty serious position." "Well, steve has this theory that..." "Well, it's hardly a theory, it's more of an observation" "That happens to be shaking a few foundations." "What most people call, "mental illnesses"," "Those are really just learned sets of behavior designed to manipulate other people." "So if you say, "oh, i'm so depressed,"" "Then everyone makes a big fuss about you and they give you all this attention," "Bring you to see fancy doctors." "And then you think, "oh, this is cool, all right." "I'm gonna keep it up."" "That sound like anyone we know?" "Exactly." "If we remove the response to that behavior," "Then the so called illness suddenly ceases to be a problem" "Because it's falling on deaf ears, there is no response." "It's that simple." "It's like training a dog almost." "There's no..." "No human is more like a dog than a teenager." "Babies are probably more like dogs but they're like puppies," "So i don't know if that counts." "Questions?" "You're driving like a grandma." "You know what?" "Safety first." " What do we have here?" " What are you?" "Just eyes on the road." "Wait a minute, i have some stuff there." "What is this we got here?" "Yeah, okay, that's..." " Right, let's see." " That's not for..." "Let me..." "That's not for..." "Um, is this what you spend all night working on?" " Okay." " "Funnel of my despair."" "It sucks, i know, thank you." "No, i didn't say that." "Although, i never considered the funnel to be the more desperate utensils." "Just give me that for a sec." ""My daydreams stretch as wide as the sea..."" "You know, i..." "Give me that." "Keep it there from now on." "Were you studying like a good boy?" "I don't understand why you can't just keep on as yourself, just for a second." "I know, it's annoying." "Yeah, yup." "Wait, why did you highlight, "and he said unto my father, 'father, my head hurts'?"" "I don't know, i just..." "I don't know, i'm, i'm..." "I want to memorize the song." "'Cause i figured, last night as i was driving into the park, like, you know, i should have" "Something for my trip." "You mean, something like," ""young lads came out from the city and mocked him and said to him, 'go up, up, ye baldhead...'"" "No, no, something like," "Bless the lord, o my soul, who layeth the beams of his chambers upon the waters." "So..." "Have you resolved the theological contradictions yet?" "What theological contradictions?" "The wives of cain and abel." "Where did they come from?" "The ban on premarital sex." "How is that a theological contradiction?" "Well, what about christian charity?" "What if a dying woman's last wish" "Was to begat with you?" "Wouldn't that be rather uncharitable for you not to?" "Is that your last wish?" "What?" "I was just speaking hypothetically." "Were you speaking hypothetically because that's your last wish?" "Were you asking me if that was my last wish" "Because i raised a hypothetical, or because you think you're irresistible?" "Irresistible." "Wow." "I really figured you for one of those, "no sex before marriage" types." "Good." "'Cause you definitely wouldn't be my last wish if you were a virgin." "So i am your last wish." "Fuck!" "No, fuck!" " Hey, you don't have to say it like that." " Shit." "I mean, it's pretty... just go around, tough guy, go on, go ahead." "Thank you." "He's gonna kill himself is what he's gonna do." "I didn't mean that." "I don't want him to kill himself, i just..." "Hey, steve." "Can i ask you something as a psychologist?" "It's psychiatrists who can pass out the pills." "Oh, very funny, that's a-material right there." "What i was wondering" "Is what you can tell me about commitment procedures in the state of california." "Is it hard to do?" "Not really." "Not if the patient presents a danger." "You talking this kind of deal, open and shut." "What?" "Oh, i'm sorry, this is just my, "you're a terrible fucking person" face." "Look, it's not like i want to, okay," "But sometimes doing things you don't want to do is part of being a parent." "Yeah, you're a real father of the year." ""Well, for my sins i am abjectly penitent."" "So you just decide today to reinvent yourself as a man of action?" "Yeah, with your sister's life on the line, yeah, it struck me as an okay time." "Is your level of cluelessness genetic or is it just booze induced?" "Van." "What?" "What's clueless about thinking that your sister's life is on the line?" "No, no, no, not shrug." "Is there something you're keeping from me?" "She'll be dead by the time you get there, okay." "So you don't have to freak out..." "Wait, wait, what, what, dead?" "What, no, no one told me..." " What, what are you talking about?" " Nothing." " Savannah." " It's just..." "Show's over at sunset." "Plan was she would take her meds today," "And they would take five or six hours to kick in" "And by the time the clock wound down, she'd be at hanging rock." "People, we need to get back on the road right now." " We're on the road." " No, steve," "I'm afraid we're not gonna have time for whatever it is that you have going on today." "No, i'm afraid we're gonna have to make time." "Oscar, what exactly is it you plan to do once you get there?" "I'm curious." "She's right." "You're pretty new to this whole man of the action deal, so..." "Well, i figured i, i, i could talk to her, and..." "Talk to..." "Can't you talk on the phone?" "I tried that, she won't pick up." "She'd pick up for van, wouldn't she?" " Oh, hell, no." " Give me your phone." "No, i won't accessory to your..." " Give me your phone." " Why?" " No." " Give..." " God..." "Give..." " Dad." "If it's that important, we can always hoof it." "Two miles?" "My flight's not till late, i got the time." "5-0-3-7-0-3-5-8-3-5." "What." "My cell." "5-0-3-7-0-3-5-8-3-5." "You weren't really supposed to remember that but okay." "I was the gaeling high school number memory team captain, 2008-2009." "That's preposterous." "You seem pretty upset." "I know that you wanted this to go a certain way" "And it, it didn't go that way." "But you have to wonder if there's a reason for that." " Ogden." " What?" "I just, i mean..." "This gives us a chance to slow stuff down, to talk stuff over." "You know?" "The rock's not going anywhere." "What's the harm in that, right?" "Come on, what do say we just go get some overpriced hiking supplies" "And take a trip up the mountain, make a day of it?" "Just you and your last wish." " Ogden." " It'll be fun, no." "I'll even sing "the funnel song" to you on the way up." "I can't, okay, i don't have the time." "You don't have the time?" "Why, why is it that every time you tell me something," "I feel like i know less than i did before." "Whatever it is, i can't even imagine" "You could tell me anything that'll be worse than what you've already said," "Uh, what, you think," "It makes any difference to me?" "If i gave two craps about what you said," "I'd be back in the parking lot, getting some sleep." "Fine, tell me or don't tell me, i just think it's fair to have stuff out there, you know." "Fine, you want stuff out there?" "I've already taken the pills." "Hey, you've reached reilly." "Yeah, no one listens to voice mail any more but go for it." "Hey, reilly girl, it's your dad." "I'm calling you from van's phone" "Hoping maybe you'd pick up." "Anyway, um..." "Look, i know you don't always have the warmest feelings for me," "I also know i deserve that, but i just wanted to ask you" "Respectfully..." "To just, uh, think about your plans." "If it's, if it's, if it's just the disease," "Listen, this is a fight and the goal is to fucking win." "You hear me?" "I'll find the best fucking doctor, i'll rob a bank." "But..." "If it's" "You know, my..." "That whole mess, i don't know what to say..." "All i can say is" "What you have..." "The thing you have which i, for instance, do not..." "Is a family behind you." "And that is not a thing to be underestimated." "Anyway, i'm, i'm, i'm rambling." "Just, just call me and tell me what you're..." "Yeah, just, just call me." "I'm sorry." "Do you ever stop to think for a second what something like that might do to me?" "Oh, yeah, so now we see that the real victim here is you." "Oh, jesus christ, look, i think i saw" "Somewhere near visalia like a hospital or one of those wellness center things..." "Ogden!" "Look, the drugs don't take effect for a few hours..." "You don't fucking get it, okay." "Ogden, cancer's the best fucking event, right?" "It's fundraisers and prayer groups and the front of the local paper." "It's not medicaid..." "And selling your shit on craigslist." "I haven't spoken to my mom since this whole thing started." "My dad, well, he's generally drunk or passed out." "Nobody hugged me," "Or came and held my hand, because nobody who didn't just meet me gives a shit." "Nobody asked me if i wanted to die." "And the only choice i got was where and when and how." "And now i don't even have that, so..." "Reilly." "Reilly, wait." "No, no, reilly, reilly, reilly." "Hey." "Reilly." "Reilly." "Shit." "Was there really a whole club at your school devoted to remembering numbers?" "Look, reilly, i 'm sorry." "Yeah, what are you sorry for?" "I haven't walked in your shoes." "I shouldn't have acted like i know best." "Really?" "Maybe you're just saying that to get your car back." "If you never want to see me again, i guess i can live with that." "There's plenty of gas in the car, gps thing in the glove compartment, but..." "If you..." "Do come back..." "I will sitay with you wherever you want to go." "¶" "¶" "¶" "¶ okay, so..." "Like this?" "Yeah, just be sure to keep me in focus." "Um, don't let me forget to show you the slow-mo button." "I want the climax to feel like a real build, you know?" "Oh?" "You know, seizures, hallucinations," "There's a chance i'll foam at the mouth." "Hey." "Just a couple more hours, okay?" "Then you'll drop it off in the mail" "And your work here is done." "Just, uh," "Show me the slow-mo." "It's, it's this button." " Just set it there." " Okay." "¶" "¶" "I have no idea what that was." "I'll get it, i'll get it, i'll get it." "So you wanna go down this path." "¶" " One at a time, one at a time." " Really?" "I'm not getting in there with you." "Slow motion might not be my thing but this sunbeam..." "Ogden's got this." "Hey, this is like the shakiest footage you'll get." "¶" "¶" "¶" "How you holding up, miss van?" "Fine." "Yeah?" "Things at home?" "They're fine." "Would you say it's a structured kind of environment" "Or a cool, "kids can do whatever they want," kind of place?" "You're a terrible psychologist, steve." "I'm not being a psychologist, kiddo, i'm just being a friend." "You're a creepy friend, steve." "You know, you shouldn't smoke at a gas station." "Hmm." "It's actually illegal." "You could blow yourself up." "Okay, but if we blow up, i'm gonna be pretty mad at you." "It's funny, you know." "You remind me a bit of myself when i was your age." "Scary, right?" "Really, you shouldn't smoke." "You should put it out." "You know what the best thing that happened to me was?" "When i was 14, i got sent to live with my dad." "He didn't subscribe to parenting magazine exactly." "And he took those little quips right out of my mouth." "What the fuck?" "It was funny, he knew this spot on me," "This little pressure point, right there." "If i mouthed off or didn't do my chores, dad would just grab that spot," "Just put his hand right on there and squeeze it." "Just like you, i would just stare at him." "I wouldn't give him the satisfaction." "He was just waiting for me to say, "i'm sorry, sir."" "Just like a game of chicken." "Sometimes i thought my shoulder would snap in half." "But i didn't say anything and so he would squeeze even harder." "Rape!" "Is what you say when someone's bothering you, that's right, sweetie." "That's self defense, and that's exactly what we were trying to get at." "Good job, everything's fine." "It's just kind of a drill we do." "You know, things are about to change for you a great deal, miss van." "I've seen a lot of divorces." "Oscar?" "Guy with that record?" "He'll be lucky if he gets to see you once a month." "And in our house, the kids are not the same as the adults." "My word is law." "So you might want to think about adjusting that little attitude of yours." "Capisce?" "Glad we had this chat." "All right, let's go." "Hit the road." "You guys ready?" "Chop chop." "So what?" "This isn't it?" "Looks like the cover art from one of my mom's self published books." "Is that good or bad?" "Well, they're vanity press novels with women named fern" "Who have so many suitors 'cause they are so effortless..." "She sends them to me too." "I'm willing them back to her, unopened." "Whoa, do you feel that?" "Ogden, give me the fucking camera." "Give me the camera." " This must be like an earthquake or something." "A big one." " Shh." "Oh, my..." "Come on." "¶" "¶" "¶" "¶" "¶" "Can i ask if the smoking..." "Is that what it's from or..." "Ha, no." "I took it up after i got diagnosed last year." "It's like one of those things, you know." "What's the point, right?" "Yeah, i guess." "Come on." " Getting scared?" " No." "Too scared to keep going?" "Don't do that." "Let's go to your car." "You want to go back to the car?" " Yeah." " Let's go back to the car." "Do not make fun of me, okay." "Can you, can you not just look directly at me?" "Just for a sec." "Yes, okay." " Is that, is that good for you?" " Thank you, yes, yes." "Okay." "¶ My day dreams stretch ¶" "¶ wide as the sea ¶" "¶ and the only thing i'm left with ¶" "¶ is what i wring ¶" "¶ is what i wring from my hair ¶" "¶ the funnel of my despair ¶" "¶ the funnel of my despair ¶ yeah, you don't need to do that." "No." "Um, but, be honest, lay on me, what do you think?" "Are your aspirations professional or recreational?" "Hmm." "Does that mean, "professional, but please don't laugh?"" "No, i won't laugh, i promise." "It's just, you know what they say," ""blessed is the writer with the drunken mother and the abusive father?"" "Truth is, that's, like, one way that i'm not too blessed." " Oh, my heart goes out to you." " No." "Sorry, i..." "I'm a little self-absorbed, i guess." "That makes it worse." "Like, i only write songs about me and me being me..." "Is awesome." "Right." "But it's like too awesome." "And songs about being too awesome don't exactly quicken the human heart." "So, imagine you're me." "What?" "I mean, that's part of why you're hanging around, right?" "To get inside my head." "I don't think that's possible, you can't..." "What, empathize?" "Sure you can." "Climb right in." "Play that song again." "Uh, it's okay." "I'll take a pass on that." "No, no, for real." "I mean it." "Just play it from the top." " Little faster." " Faster?" "¶ My daydreams stretch... ¶" "Great." "No words, just, just let me hum along with you." "¶" "¶" "¶" "¶ in the funnel of despair ¶" "Hmm." "Okay, wait." "I have cancer in my mouth." "You're..." "Are you granting my last wish, ogden clarke?" "¶" "¶" "¶" "¶" "¶ so the one thing steve has taught me is that" "If i haven't published a novel yet," "Then maybe i'm subconsciously afraid of success." "Yeah, that's not as uncommon as people think." "Then i realized, all i need is to keep an ideas journal, right?" "I'm always saying these really witty things and then i just forget all about them." "So, now, we have this little bad boy," "If we come up with a great line or if we hear a real zinger..." " yeah." " ..." "We just put in right in the journal." "It's a fun thing to do as a couple" "He was like, "all these things you come up with, you want to find a place" "In your art for them," you know." "Do you guys want to hear one?" " Yes." " Which one, huh." "Let me find..." "Oh, this is a good one, okay." "Okay, so end of story, right, or maybe you have a young woman" "And she's complaining to her grandmother about how shallow she is." "Well, then, the grandmother says to her," ""time is like rain, it deepens even the shallowest of rivers."" "What do you guys think?" "That was good." "I'm not gonna fish for herring shoal, if that's what you just said." "No, i said, "you're very pretty."" "So, uh, you learned, "you're very pretty."" "Got big plans in samoa, huh?" "I don't know." "Well, what's your follow up." "What do you mean?" "I mean, what do you do after?" "I mean, i just in case she doesn't want to fish for herring shoal." "You mean, "can i spend the night?"" "Well, i think that is roughly the same thing in any language." "But, um..." "I was thinking a bit further into the future." " You mean like, "i love you"?" " No." "Like, "what's your favorite band?" "What instrument do you play?"" "I mean, no one's that tied up on hearing "i love you."" "Not if they're honest." "No?" "Okay." "Want to know the one thing that'll open up girls' hearts in samoa?" "You have to learn to say this..." ""i approve of you," "And this is unlikely to change" "As i set the bar comfortingly low."" ""I approve of you," "And that is unlikely to change as i set the bar comfortingly low."" "Well, yeah." " What?" " Phone." ""Md are on their way, da..."" "Okay, give me that, thank you." "Fuck." "Md are on the way?" "Yup, it seems so." "What are you gonna do?" "I don't know, offhand, i die somewhere else." "What?" "Don't look at me like that." "The storm's passed and you know what that means." "Onward and upward, ogden clarke." "She's a deeply troubled person, i hope you appreciate that." "I'm used to it." " Well, you deserve better." " Yeah, i know." "You do, you deserve better." "You know, i heard this theory once" " That there's no such thing as disturbed people." " Van." "No, i am, i'm just trying to grasp, you know," "The sum of steve's psychological contributions." "I just think that your mom worked really hard raising you kids," "And you and reilly, the negativity..." "You know," "She's be a lot more developed as a person, if you weren't..." "If you weren't bringing her down." "That is, that's really, really interesting, steve." "You know what would be a lot more interesting?" "If you knew what the fuck you were talking about." "There you have it, that's the negativity i'm talking about, young lady." "You just keep it up, it comes right back to you." "I can tell you that, capisce." "Hey, steve, you know reilly's cancer is inoperable?" "No?" "Well, neither of my wonderful parents here could bother to get," "Like, real jobs so she couldn't cover her health insurance," "Which meant she was going to medicaid dentist who, oops," "Forgot to give her cancer screenings at five consecutive check-ups." "So they just popped out a couple of groupies in training" "And then, when we moved on, so did they." "And that's fine." "But the upshot is that they don't get to cry when we fucking hate them." "Tell them what i told you, it'll make them happy." " Van." " I'm gonna kill myself next." "Now, enough." "So you have that to look forward to." "Steve, when i live with you, all the trash officially taken out?" "¶" "¶ bev, you have reason to be emotional, and emotion is not your friend." "Your spending your energy doing exactly what she wants, don't you get it?" "She just wants to get a response from you and you're giving it to her." "Look, i'm just saying, like, don't play the..." "Okay, i heard you." "I heard you, steve." "And this is not about being an actor in a production." "Okay, enough with the pep talk, okay, i got it, enough." "Okay, you're an individual, you remember that." "Don't make me live with them." "You don't like them?" "Steve grabbed me." "What do you mean, grabbed you?" "It's like, fucking grabbed my..." "I don't know, just please don't make me live with them, okay, just..." "I will be, i will be good." "Please, don't make me live with them." "What you need is the three..." "Steps..." "Okay, i swear to god if you don't shut the fuck up." "You can rent a car." "Bev." "The last thing that these natives did" "Before they abandoned their ancestral homeland forever was" "They wrote the story of their own destruction." "Reilly," "You okay?" "...The sherman tree, they called it the " doka hai" or the "tall spirit."" "They believed that the doka hai could heal their sick and wounded." "The settlers believed these stories..." "The general sherman, and it had him spooked." "So one day, the settlers came with axes and saws determined to kill the doka hai," "The monache saw what was happening, they made the white man a deal." "They said, "we will leave our ancestral homeland forever" "If you will promise to spare the tree."" "And the settlers said, "why would you do this?" "Why would you make that deal?" "If you leave here don't you know you might die?"" "And the monache said, "it is not the number of lives that is important to us to save," "It is the amount of life."" "¶" "¶" "Hey, well, you know how to get there, right?" "I think so." "Look, i really appreciate you understanding, steve, we all do." "Okay, bring on that book bag..." "Hey, give me one second." " Oscar, oscar, oscar, no." " Hey, steve." " I need to talk to you." " I got nothing to say to you." "Do you know what this is about?" "Can you wait up a sec?" "You trained her real good, didn't you, oscar?" "It's the idea that a man is someone you treat like a child," "Not someone you can count on to make the tough calls, no, sir." "No." "She's gonna tell him what's best." "Where do you suppose she got an idea like that?" " Listen." " No." "You don't tell me to listen, you listen." "You don't write to her, you don't call her, you don't contact her." "I don't care if reilly swallows the physician's desk reference." "'Cause everytime you crawl out of your little hole," "Bev turns into somebody i don't know." "Now, if you'll excuse me, i have a job." "I just have to say one thing." "It's gonna have to wait." "If you ever lay a hand on my daughter again, i will kill you." "I just wanted to make that clear." "I will find you and i will kill you." "Capisce?" "¶" "I'm driving." "¶" "¶" "¶ you know that it's" "Quarter to five." "Okay, it's almost sunset." "Are you sure this is where your business lies?" "Oh, god, it's him." "Is he talking to it?" "Oh, that's unexpected." "Well..." "Nothing ventured, right?" " Come here, sit with me." " No, no." "Actually, um..." "I was kind of..." "Planning on flying solo." "Can i trust you to film this?" "Thanks." "I think it's just something between me and the..." "The doka chief, you know." "Okay." "Hey, film." "You are the one who was filming me earlier." "I wasn't filming you specifically." "You here to pray?" "Don't worry, it doesn't feel as ridiculous as i imagined." "He's more human than my hematologist." "Hard to stump, too." "Was that a, a tree joke?" "It's mostly what i've been doing over here." "My name is collin, by the way." "Rilley." "Let me guess, non-hodgkin's lymphoma." "Oral cancer." "Wow." "I'm not usually that far off." "What about you?" "Aids." "I'm sorry." "Oh, don't feel sorry for me, oral cancer reilly." "I have a five year survival rate of over 25 %," "Yours can't be higher than what, 20?" " 10." " 10." "You know, you could always say "his cousin was in" "The new england journal of medicine."" "That's a paper joke." "Get it, he's in the journal?" "Yes." "Wow, you're better than i thought you would be." "Well, i get lucky once in a while." "I think what we tell him is," "What our disease is," "Why we want to live," "And how long we want to live for, since we don't want to seem greedy." "And maybe..." "Something we promise to do if we get our wish." "Okay." "Great doka chief," "Hi." "I'm collin." "I've been hiv positive for 14 years," "My t-cell count is 185." "My viral load's 100,000." "My area code's 4-1-5," "And my prognosis is poor." "If you cured me, i would ask for three years" "So i can see the video my sister-in-law will slip me" "Of my nephew's graduation from elementary school." "If you can do that for me," "I will plant a tree." "Your turn." "Well, i..." "I think i've made a mistake." " I don't..." " Hey." "You want me to go, i'll go." "Nice to meet you, reilly." "You too, collin." "Good luck." "Hello, tree." "My name is reilly macgrady." "And i have stage three oral cancer." "Okay." "If you cured me, i would want to live." "You know." "Just whatever you think." "See, there's this, there's this missionary," "I don't want you to get the wrong idea," "It's not like, like the ones who killed your indian friends," "He's way too kind for that." "But, tree, he is," "He is a terrible songwriter and i just want to help so badly." "So..." "So could you do that?" "Dad." "Told you i'd get us here, didn't i?" "All you guys came." "Mom." "Mom." "Reilly!" "Reilly!" "Reilly!" "Reilly!" "Come on, come on." "¶" "¶" "¶ reilly, you got to stay awake, okay?" "Reilly, just stay awake, okay, we're, we're almost there." "If you, if you want me to take you to a hospital," "You just say the word, do you understand?" "And this car will sprout fucking wings." "You won't have to help me any more." "You kept your word, you'll write your song." "You should just drop me and bounce, i mean it." "You'll never know what happened." "Did you hear me?" "I release you." "I release you, ogden clarke." "I release you." "Reilly." "¶" "¶" "¶" "¶" "¶" "¶" "Bless the lord, o my soul, who layeth the beams of his chambers upon the waters," "Who maketh the clouds his chariot, who walketh upon the wings of the wind," "He said to his father, "father, my head hurts."" "Who maketh the angels spirits, his ministers of flaming fire." "Who laid the foundations of the earth, that it should not be removed forever." "Go up, ye baldhead...'"" "The glory of the lord shall endure forever," "He looketh on the earth, and it trembles," "He toucheth the hills, and they smoke." "I will sing unto the lord as long as i live" "Bless thou the lord, o my soul." "Praise ye the lord, praise ye the lord." "Amen." "Come here, reilly." "Okay, all right." "Come on." "Okay, okay, okay." "¶" "¶" "¶" "¶" "¶" "¶" "memories looped in my head as i left this morning." "It was you, me, daddy and van," "Racing through the sierra nevada, driving into the mountains" "On our way to sequoia national park." "This memory is trees." "Skies and green, green valleys." "This memory is foxes and streams." "And life." "What the hell are you doing?" "I salvaged your pack from your bag." "Christ, van, it's a fucking hospital." "I know." "So where are they?" "Mom and dad." "Out there." "Watching your video." "Hmm." "Yeah, i delivered to them like i said." "Any idea what happened to that guy i was with?" "Who, ogden clarke?" "Yeah, dad fucked him up pretty good." "It was kind of badass, i have to say." "At the climax he was, like, standing over him," "Screaming that he's calling the cops" "And having him locked up the rest of his life." "Shit." "Our father was reborn a man of action today." "It's, it's been a big afternoon." "Hmm." "What about ogden?" "What did he do?" "Bailed." "I'm sorry i fucked up the plan." "Well, you know, i was thinking maybe, um," "Maybe you could stick around at least till i'm 18." "You can't fucking leave me with them." "Please." "¶" "¶" "¶" "I'm glad you're okay." "¶" "Hey." " Here." " It's okay, yeah, yeah." "Dad." "¶" "¶" "So, this is what it takes to get us all together." "What does that mean?" "Well, it's just that we're, we're together, as a family it's nice." "Yeah, one big, happy fucking family reunion in the hospital," " Yeah, well." " We should make this a tradition." " I can"t deal with this." " No, i'm serious." " What?" " See what you started?" "I mean, you walk in and you start this shit." "What i started?" "She did not dedicate the video to me," "It was dedicated right to you." "I mean, you're no superdad, we've discussed this." "I understand all of..." "Um, if you'll excuse me." "You're disturbing the other patients." "If you guys could keep it down." "This is family visiting hours, and this is what this family does," "So, i don't..." "van, shut up." "Shut up?" "That's great parenting. " "I didn't mean to say shut up, i meant quiet." "Hello." "Hey, i had this idea for some lyrics." "I just wanted to run them by you first." "See, you should stop being so awesome." "Helps, doesn't it?" "Guess we'll find out." "¶ I approve of you ¶" "¶ that will never change ¶" "¶ i have set the bar so low ¶" "¶ i will never get along ¶" "¶" "¶ my daydreams stretch ¶" "¶ as wide as the sea ¶" "¶ innocent hoping it ¶" "¶ seemed to come at me ¶" "¶ and the only thing i'm left with ¶" "¶ is what i wring out from my hair ¶" "¶ i'm in a funnel of despair ¶" "¶ i approve of you ¶" "¶ that will never change ¶" "¶ i have set the bar so low ¶" "¶ i will never get along ¶" "¶" "¶" "¶" "¶" "¶" "¶" "¶" "¶" "¶" "¶" "¶" "¶" "¶" "¶" "¶" "¶" "¶" "¶" "¶" "¶" "¶" "¶" "¶" "¶" "¶" "¶" "¶" "¶" "¶" "¶" "¶" "¶" "¶" "¶"