"[ '80s music plays ]" "All right, gentlemen." "The pledge parade is your best chance" "To make an impression on the ladies of this university." "Now, as representatives of Omega Sig," "Your conduct will affect our social calendar" "For the entire year." "Is that understood?" "Yes, sir!" "Yes, sir!" "Yes, sir!" "Yes, sir!" "Now, these ladies will undress you with their eyes." "You'll feel cheap, you'll feel judged," "But you'll feel like men." "I've never been undressed by someone's eyes before." "Trust me, it's not what it's cracked up to be." "Do you have to rain on our pledge parade, bri?" "All right, some of us mortals" "Might actually be looking forward to this." "You know, this is the sorority that Julie pledged." "I really need to look good for her." "I-I should have worn my red power tie." "Oh, you look great." "[ girls cheering ] no, you look good, man." "Yeah." "Yeah." "All right, guys, time to shine." "Let's go." "Let's do it!" "[ funky music plays ]" "Ladies of Gamma Zeta, it is my pleasure" "To formally introduce to you" "The Omega Sig pledge class of 1986!" "Yeah!" "[ applause ] make me proud, guys." "Ladies." "Eli feldman." "I'm single..." "And seeking." "[ scattered applause ] [ chuckles ] you're beautiful." "Hi." "I'm Joel..." "Harrington." "That's it." "[ chuckling ] sorry." "[ applause ] [ clears throat ]" "Hi, I'm brian sommer-- [ cheers and applause ]" "Thank you." "Turbo:" "Now, that's what I'm talking about." "That's what I'm talking about, brian." "Hello." "Uh, my name is Jason wilson." "[ chuckles ]" "And, um, well, this -- this is for Julie." "♪ in a world where few hearts survive ♪" "♪ all I know is the way I feel ♪" "♪ when it's real, I keep it alive ♪" "What are you doing?" "You're embarrassing me." "You know this." "This is our duet." "Come on, this is where you come in." "No." "Oh, jesus!" "♪ love lift us up where we belong ♪" "[ off-key ] ♪ where the eagles fly ♪" "I got you, man." "Both: ♪ on a mountain high ♪ turbo:" "Oh, my god!" "♪ boom, boom, boom, boom ♪ oh, god!" "Go on!" "Get out of here!" "Everybody out!" "Come on, turbo!" "Ev-- get -- get up!" "Get up!" "Come on!" "Get out!" "Everybody get out!" "I'm sorry, ladies." "Excuse me." "Get the hell out!" "I'm sorry." "Talking about eagles flying!" "What are you doing?" "!" "You're about to mess up my reputation!" "Mike:" "Everybody, listen up." "Despite the, uh, incident at the Gamma Zeta house " "And, yes, Jason, I'm looking at you..." "Guys..." "I'm sorry." "But who doesn't love joe cocker, right?" "I don't, songbirdy." "It's true." "Fortunately, it appears our pledges" "Haven't offended every sorority on campus." "The lovely ladies of Kappa Theta" "Have graciously invited us to co-host a date party with them." "[ cheers and applause ]" "All right." "[ cheering and applause stop ]" "This year's theme is "find your match."" "You will each be assigned a costume." "And on the night of the party, you will meet your dates," "Who, knowing the Kappa Thetas," "Will be dressed in a corresponding sexy outfit." "[ cheers ]" "Mike:" "For instance," "If I am dressed as, uh, Michael Jackson... [ laughter ]..." "My date might be dressed as " " Joel." "Uh..." "Brooke shields?" "That's correct." "[ chuckles ]" "We also would have accepted Janet, La Toya," "Or, uh..." "Emmanuel Lewis." "[ indistinct conversations ]" "Man, I really hope my date is, like, super-tall." "You know?" "Or, like, really short." "Just not in the middle." "You know?" "I'm not really into that." "Unless she's easy." "I can get behind something like that." "You know what I mean?" "Yeah, yeah." "Totally, man." "What are you doing?" "Stop staring." "I'm not staring." "What do you mean?" "That's damon's girlfriend." "Okay?" "I don't even think about her." "Okay, that's a lie." "I do." "But I always leave her bra and panties on out of respect." "Shh!" "All right, I'm not an animal." "Shh." "I mean..." "Okay, you so owe me." "You so owe me." "For what?" "Oh, no, I'm sorry." "I thought we were " "I thought we were playing a game." "I'm sorry." "Fun game." "Yeah." "Before we play again, I hooked you up with a friend of mine" "For the date party." "You will not be disappointed." "Hey, we can do that?" "I thought we were paired up randomly." "Well, not if your big sis is Kappa Theta social chair." "I have some pull." "So, you're psyched, right?" "Yeah." "To-- yeah, totally." "[ chuckles ]" "Don't " " I look psyched, right?" "[ chuckles ] [ chuckles ] I would like to look psyched." "Can I be psyched?" "Do you think you could hook me up?" "Joel:" "No " "I've got a list of everything I find attractive in a woman," "Alphabetically ordered." "You don't have to read that." "It's -- this guy." "Unbelievable." "[ chuckles ] um..." "Do you always carry this around in your pants?" "You know, we've tried talking to him," "But nothing seems to work." "[ chuckles ]" ""happy, horny." but it's all right." "You don't have to read that." "Let's go." "Okay." "I'll see you later." "W-we'll talk." "Okay." "Nice legs, if you can make that happen." "[ Dramatic music plays ] [ footsteps approach ]" "We did it again, Reno." "Another faculty adviser quit." "Ohh." "It's a big loss." "The medieval-history professor was bringing us down." "Although [chuckles] Hector did enjoy the renaissance fair." "Ahh, wenches." "Look, I didn't love him, either " "And I resented wearing the tights " "But this is the fifth adviser we've lost in three semesters." "Mike:" "You know what?" "Shouldn't that tell us something?" "Clearly, we are the kind of men that can't be advised." "Let's be honest with ourselves here." "Honest?" "To who?" "National?" "'cause they're the ones that said" "That we had to have an adviser" "Or they would take our charter." "Look, we need a new professor..." "As soon as possible." "Joel, brian, I'm sorry as pledges you had to hear this." "I'm sure that you thought we were all..." "Model citizens here." "I never thought that." "No, I -- neither did I." "You see?" "Our own pledges, they can accept us for who we are." "National should be able to, too." "Besides, there's got to be plenty of professors" "That we haven't offended yet." "Really?" "Professor evans declined." "Professor kim declined." "What about professor platt?" "Declined." "And filed a restraining order." "50 or 100 yards?" "What's the difference?" "'cause I feel like I could take advice from a man 50 yards away." "I'm sorry." "Have you guys thought about professor haines?" "The political-science professor?" "Didn't the school newspaper vote him" ""professor most likely to start a political revolution"?" "I don't know about that, but he's actually pretty cool." "Yeah, I could talk to him if you want." "Thanks, but there's some things pledges can't do." "The idea, though, does have some merit." "I'll talk to haines." "Joel:" "All right, but if you do," "Just don't mention the military-industrial complex." "Or the cot in his office." "You got that?" "What kind of complex?" "Julester!" "Julie!" "Hey, wait up!" "Listen!" "Hey, hey, hey!" "Are you serious?" "I've been trying to call you." "[ sighs ]" "I just " " I just wanted to say how sorry I was" "About the pledge parade." "I only wanted to impress you." "Impress me?" "Yes." "You humiliated me in front of all of my friends." "I can see that now." "But you -- you always used to love" "When I sang to you in high school." "Yes, I know." "And I still do." "You know, you have..." "Just perfect pitch." "But that's just when we're in private." "And I'm...[ sighs ]" "Jason, look, I just " "I-I don't understand what's going on with you." "You used to be so mature." "I still am mature." "And just to prove it to you," "I-I'm gonna feign sickness," "Blow off our fraternity party tomorrow night," "And -- and pencil you in for dinner." "No, actually, the mature thing to do" "Would be to honor your pledge commitment." "Just like I have to." "Like you have to what?" "We're having a date party, too, with the Zeta Rhos." "And if you had pledged them, like we planned," "I'd be going with you instead of some guy named Mark Cooper." "Mark Cooper?" "!" "Who " "Who is Mark Cooper?" "I don't know!" "We all got set up." "And I thought that we were trying to be mature." "I am..." "Mature." "I love mature." "Yeah." "Have a good time." "Mark Cooper?" "Who the -- who is Mark Cooper?" "Oh, my god." "So true." "[ laughs ]" "Oh, where have you been all my life?" "I swear it's like you read my mind sometimes." "[ chuckles ]" "Zack." "Zack, are you chatting with a female?" "Nicely done, man." "Oh, god, I love our talks, maureen." "Maureen -- that's -- that's my mom's name." "Ooh, I think I hear the buzzer." "Yeah, your casserole is done." "No, you hang up first." "Well, you didn't hang up, either." "No -- okay, go now." "Toodles." "Okay, bye." "[ inhales sharply ] oh, heaven." "[ chuckles ] Zack, were you talking to my mom?" "Well, someone needs to." "With all she does for you." "But why -- why didn't you let me talk to her?" "Because I can't stand to see you lie to that poor woman." "I haven't lied to her." "Have you told her you're in a fraternity?" "I haven't told her that I'm not in a fraternity." "Exactly, and I believe you catholics" "Call that a "sin of omission."" "But you might not know that," "Since you haven't gone to mass since you've been here," "Another fact I've been forced to keep from your mother." "And have you even cracked a book since you've been here?" "No." "But I plan on cracking soon." "Wait, Zack." "How many times have you talked to my mom?" "Today?" "[ organ music plays ]" "Joel, what's on your mind?" "Talk to me." "Well, father, um..." "Do you ever get kids who -- who are a bit confused?" "You know, lost about where they're going" "And what they're doing?" "Confused and lost in college?" "No, never." "Never." "[ both chuckle ]" "I'm sorry." "I just never had a..." "Sarcastic priest before." "Uh-huh." "Father Mahoney at St. Ignatius used to..." "Lay the guilt on pretty good." "Oh, yeah." "Well, we catholics have several very effective methods" "For dealing with people who have been wallowing in sin." "And I bet you've been wallowing, haven't you?" "No, I hav" " I-I don't know if I'd say "wallowing."" "Have you considered self-flagellation?" "Or maybe the donning of a hair shirt?" "You could always put on barbed-wire underpants" "To remind you of the weakness of the flesh." "[ chuckles ] sorry, you're " "You're being sarcastic again." "Uh, yeah, well," "I guess that depends on, uh, what's bothering you," "Why you're here." "Well, um..." "[ sighs ]" "When I came to college, I " "You know, I promised my parents that I'd stay focused." "Mm-hmm." "You know?" "Prepare for my future." "But since then, man, I've..." "Done no studying." "I've joined a fraternity." "Hmm." "Oh, I've gotten drunk, father." "A lot." "Oh." "I've been arrested, tased, mugged." "And I've somehow managed" "To fall for another guy's girlfriend." "It's a very busy first month." "Yeah." "Hmm." "Now, this woman you speak of," "Uh, the one you've fallen for," "Is she..." "Large-breasted?" "[ up-tempo synthesized organ music plays ]" "What does that have to do with anything..." "Father?" "Joel, I have taken a vow of celibacy.!" "Sometimes, I need a little bit more description" "To get an accurate picture" "Of how much moral jeopardy we're in." "So I'm gonna ask you one more time." "Is this woman -- is she " "Yeah." "Yes, she is, father." "Mm." "I mean, no." "I mean, they+re not too big." "You know, they're just kind of that perfect size." "Yeah." "You know, I'm sorry." "I feel " "I feel really strange discussing breasts with a " "With a priest." "Me too!" "I mean, did I mention that I've taken a vow of celibacy?" "Yes, you -- a few times now." "I'm afraid we're " "We're kind of missing the point here, father." "See, she's dating the president of my fraternity." "Yet, it -- every time that I see her " "See, the vow of celibacy, it's " "That's the tricky one." "You know, the vow of poverty " "There's a lot more important things than money." "The vow of piousness is a very worthy goal." "But celibacy -- what's more natural" "Than what happens between a man and a woman." "And yet, they tell us priests that it's wrong." "Why would they do that?" "I don't know." "Theye mean?" "Count your blessings, Joel." "This campus is crawling" "With beautiful, vibrant young women," "Supple, and so full of life," "And..." "So willing." "[ inhales deeply, sighs ]" "Father?" "!" "Shall we sing, Joel?" "[ chuckles ]" "I find it helps." "Okay." "How about a little "Michael, row the boat ashore"?" "[ guitar strums ] [ dog barking ]" ""trickle-down economics will save our country," "By Jim Downey."" "Wrong, wrong." "[ knocking ] "f." fail." "You look familiar." "Are you staring at my cot?" "!" "No, sir, I wouldn't think of it." "By the way, my name's mike Reno." "I was in your class a couple years ago." "Yeah, well, if you want your grade changed," "You're a little too late, buddy." "Oh, no, I deserved that c-minus." "You were tough..." "But fair, sir." "That's why I'm here." "The Omega sigs, they need a new faculty adviser." "Ah, the Omega sigs." "The young men who sent their pledges" "On a search for a beer that doesn't exist." "Inadvertently, yes." "But these are a good group of guys." "We just a need a, uh," "Little guidance from an adviser of your caliber." "[ chuckles ] well, Mr. Reno..." "You're not looking for an adviser." "You're looking for a sucker." "It's not true, sir." "Advisers 4 and 5 were suckers." "But we learned our lesson." "So..." "If the opportunity to mold a group of young men" "In desperate need of leadership sounds like something" "You might be interested in," "All you have to do is sign that form." "What do you think?" "Well, I think that I have classes to teach," "A book to write, papers to grade," "Not to mention jazz night at capano's." "Advising a fraternity doesn't really seem to fit, does it?" "Are you asking me?" "Because I'd be inclined to say it does." "I'm not asking." "[ telephone rings ] oh." "Aloysius haines." "Wait a second." "No, no, no, no!" "You tell her those are my albums!" "She doesn't know the difference" "Between sonny rollins and sonny bono!" "I know for a fact she earns more income than I do!" "Because I'm a college professor." "Everyone does!" "[ '80s music plays ]" "Chang, smell me real quick." "Why do you always make me do this?" "Because I care about my scent." "What kind of question is that?" "Come on, be honest." "Which one?" "One..." "Two." "[ sniffs ]" "One -- breathe deep." "Ooh." "Ooh." "You like that one?" "Yeah." "One, I like." "Really?" "Yeah." "I never really pictured you as a drakkar kind of guy." "Okay." "All right." "Now imagine this mixed with sweat, lust, and beer." "Do you still like it?" "That's it." "I'm done." "Now imagine this mixed with swewhat are you doing?" "Why don't you come to the party with us?" "There's gonna be more girls than guys." "The actives want us to recruit some friends," "You know, even out the numbers." "It will be fun." "Look, if I wanted to hang out at a fraternity," "I wouldn't have quit the asian house." "I'll let you spray your nuts with aramis." "Wouldn't that sting?" "Yeah, but it's a good sting." "[ bottle slides ]" "[ '80s music plays ]" "Dude, think about it." "If two blades work," "Then three blades is gonna work even better." "Yeah, but then where does it stop?" "Four blades, five blades?" "It's a slippery slope." "The voice:" "So, we'll have more at the top of the hour." "But right now, I've got a dedication." "Jason:" "Ooh, turn it up!" "Turn it up!" "[ '80s music plays ]" "And this one goes out to emily from peter." "[ volume decreases ] never mind." "Ahh." "I called in to dedicate a song to Julie." "I was hoping that was it." "I want her thinking of me tonight" "When she's at that party with Mark Cooper." "Cool." "What song?" "Ah. "your love," by the outfield." "It's kind of our song." "All right, uh, Jason," "I know you're a little wound up tonight " "It's probably not the best time " "But you do know that song is about cheating, right?" "N-no, it's not." "It's about a guy whose girlfriend, josie," "Is away and he wants her to know how much he loves her." "That's..." "Why he says, "I don't want to lose your love tonight."" "No, no, he's -- dude, he's not singing the song to josie." "He's singing the song to the girl" "He's gonna get with while josie is out of town." "That's crazy." "Why would our song be an ode to cheating?" "Why would the guy say to his girlfriend," ""stay the night, but keep it under cover"?" "Maybe she's a detective!" "I -- it's a song!" "It's open to interpretation, right?" "!" "Yeah." "No." "Guys!" "Right?" "No." "Look what the Kappa Thetas brought." "Yeah!" "Costumes!" "All right." "All right." "I think that one's, uh... [ sniffs ]" "Eli, what are you wearing?" "You smell like a french whorehouse." "Oui, oui." "Wait till you get a whiff of chang." "Let me see." "Let me see." "Whoa." "What is this, a necklace?" "[ '80s music plays ]" "[ music stops ] okay." "Okay." "Stop, stop, stop." "I'm sorry, guys." "I..." "I can't do this." "I feel like a piece of meat in this thing." "You are a piece of meat, you lucky bastard." "Better than a jar of peanut butter." "You want to trade?" "Can we do that?" "Yeah, your dates will never know." "Hey, I don't mind if you don't." "I love peanut butter." "[ '80s music resumes ]" "[ '80s music plays ]" "Hey, looking good, guys." "All right, your matches await you." "Thanks." "[ grunts ]" "I hope my date is hot." "Please be hot." "Please be hot." "Please be hot." "Please be hot." "Please be hot." "Please be hot." "Please be hot." "She is so hot!" "[ chuckles ]" "She is so hot!" "She might be a little too hot." "I don't know if I can handle that much hot." "I mean, how do I -- what do I " "Guys, I need a little help." "How do I hand" "Guys?" "Guys?" "Uh..." "[ blowing air ] [ grunting ]" "Hey, wolf." "Hi." "We've been waiting for you." "Nicely done." "Tina turner, "beyond thunderdome"?" "Thank you!" "Everyone thinks I'm a space whore." "It's driving me crazy." "What?" "That's ridiculous." "I know." "Right?" "I mean, there's no whores in space." "Why do you think we stopped going to the moon?" "[ chuckles ]" "Oh, are you ready to meet your date?" "Oh, yeah." "Wow." "Joel, this is Maya." "Hi, Maya." "Officer Maya, and you have the right to remain silent." "But you should know I also have ways" "Of making a man talk." "[ chuckles ] let's go." "Have fun." "Mike:" "So, it's not that I find" "Breakfast pastries themselves particularly sexy " "You know what I find sexy?" "Not now, Hector." "Reno, we need to talk, man." "I just spent the last hour on the phone with national." "Oh." "We have to get our faculty adviser" "To sign this by tomorrow." "Where do we stand with professor haines?" "Well, he heard step two of a four-step process." "I'll have him locked up in a month." "We don't have a month." "I need you to jump a step forward." "And skip step three?" "[ sighs ] can you handle the princess?" "[ laughs ] I always do." "[ '80s music plays ]" "So, do y know what you're majoring in?" "[ chuckles ]" "Nice, safe question." "And then we can talk about where we're from" "And our favorite colors." "Or we can skip right to the good stuff." "All right, well, premed, Indianapolis, blue." "Undecided, Kansas City, and green." "Moving on." "When I was 11, I learned to kiss" "By practicing on my Shaun Cassidy album cover." "Wow." "Kind of weird, right?" "I don't know." "Only if he kissed you back." "[ both chuckle ]" "Okay, now you." "What's something you normally" "Wouldn't tell someone you just met?" "Well, um..." "I've been on campus for three weeks now," "And I've already broken five of the ten commandments." "[ chuckles ] can I guess which ones?" "I was kind of hoping you would." "Nice." "I will." "[ chuckles ] [ '80s music plays ]" "Oh, I'm so sorry." "[ chuckles ]" "I think you got my chocolate in your peanut butter." "Hey, I think you got my peanut butter in your chocolate." "Oh, the two great tastes that taste great together." "And all this time, I've been looking for jelly." "Oh." "I'm brian, by the way." "I'm Annabel." "Hi." "[ '80s music plays ]" "This party is gonna be a lot of fun." "Uh-huh." "Uh, yeah." "Um, I-I'm sorry." "I'm " "I should let you know I'm in love with somebody else." "And it just got a little less fun." "But, uh, you should know" "That my boyfriend just broke up with me" "And I'm very open to rebound sex." "Okay." "Are you okay?" "Yeah." "Yeah." "Yeah, I'm ok" " I'm okay." "Do I look okay?" "It's the fur." "Is it I'm too hairy?" "Uh, no." "No, you just seem a little nervous." "[ laughs ] no!" "No, I'm not." "I'm not " " I'm not nervous." "I'm s-sweaty." "Sweaty." "It's -- it's really hot in here." "The beard's..." "Kind of itchy." "Why don't you just take off the fur?" "I-I can't." "I " " I glued it on." "It's glued on." "You could -- do you want to..." "If you want." "Uh, no." "No, thanks." "No, thanks." "All right." "I tend to over-- overdo things." "Maybe I should get us a drink." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Do you want to have a drink?" "Do you want a drink?" "Okay." "Okay." "Okay, yeah, I'll -- I'll be right back." "Yeah." "You stay..." "There." "Hi, bro." "You're blowing it." "Help me." "Okokay." "Okay." "Thank you." "[ up-tempo music plays ] [ indistinct conversations ]" "[ clears throat ]" "Looks like one of us picked the wrong theme night." "Oh, it's my bad." "It's a "wookie" mistake." "Sorry about that." "We're gonna walk that one off." "Can I get you a drink?" "Yeah." "[ '80s music plays ]" "I am just gonna come out and say it." "Your wool is really turning me on." "You know, before we got to college," "I could do no wrong in Julie's eyes." "Now all I can do is screw up." "I've driven her into the arms" "Of some Zeta Rho named Mark Cooper." "You mean mongoose?" ""mongoose"?" "[ chuckles ]" "Why would a guy have a nickname like mongoose?" "I don't know." "I always assumed it had something to do" "With the size of his penis." "[ laughs ]" "I don't know, man." "I don't know." "Did you see her?" "Huh?" "She's way out of my league, you know?" "She -- she's blonde." "She's leggy." "She's full of waspy sexiness." "And I'm this -- this -- this hairy wolfman boy" "Who can't put a sentence together." "Yeah, look, man, okay, number one," "You've got to like calm down, you know?" "Number two, just try one of these brownies, man." "Have a seat." "I can't calm down." "Huh?" "Do you see this?" "You see -- you see what I'm dealing with right here?" "I've got to take this thing off." "Or you know what you could do, Mr. Wolfman " "You could stop fighting it and start living it." "You know what I mean?" "Live the wolf?" "Yeah, dude, exactly." "You got to stop running from what you are." "The real wolf knows no fear." "That's why it's out in the jungle." "Like, "rawr."" "If you're gonna be a wolf..." "Embrace the wolf, you know?" "Yeah?" "Yeah!" "You're right." "I should embrace the wolf." "Exactly." "[ chuckles ] these are really good, man." "Yeah, thanks." "Wait till they start kicking in, dude." "That's 80% peruvian she-devil." "Oh, yeah?" "What's the other 20%?" "Oh." "Love and walnuts." "Actually, there's a lot of walnuts in it." "[ exhaling sharply ] [ reggae music plays ]" "Embrace the wolf." "[ mystical music plays ]" "Stankowski: [ echoing ] embrace the wolf, Eli." "I am the wolf." "[ growls ] [ grunts ]" "[ '80s music plays ]" "Oh." "I love this song." "Let's dance." "Oh, you know, I'm not really into public displays of rhythm." "Don't make me cuff you again." "Just watch me dance." "I can do that." "Wow." "Those two are really hitting it off." "Yeah, I can tell when people are meant to be together." "Yeah, you really have a gift." "Mm-hmm." "Unbelievable." "I can just see the social committee saying," ""oh, let's put the two asians together."" "I thought they were being all '80s and modern" "By letting jane be korean." "No, it's -- it's not what you think." "It's just a coincidence." "Coincidence?" "Do you know what the odds are" "That the only two asians would be randomly matched?" "[ '80s music plays ] 1 in 576." "Way to reinforce a stereotype." "[ '80s music plays ]" "Hey, brian." "Brian." "Bri, bri, brian." "I'm sorry to interrupt." "Uh, I know you're a repository of useless information." "Mm-hmm." "Tell me everything you know about the mongoose." "Mongoose." "Um..." "Assuming you're talking about the egyptian mongoose," "They have long faces and round ears." "So they're ugly?" "Good." "They also emit a high-pitched noise" "That sounds kind of like a giggle." "It's like an... [ screeching ]" "So ugly with a dorky laugh." "That's -- that's great." "Oh, and, for its size, the mongoose has the largest..." "Penis in the animal kingdom." "Penis in the animal kingdom." "Wait, what?" "Wow." "Hey." "Mongoose penis?" "!" "Looks like I'm not the only..." "Repository of useless information." "Yeah, and I'm not the only one who studied the almanac as kid." "[ up-tempo jazz music plays ] [ sighs ]" "All right, all right, you're a man of science." "Maybe you can answer something." "How come you never see baby pigeons, hmm?" "Every pigeon -- same size." "Where are all the babies?" "You do realize I'mpolitical scientist?" "Yeah, yeah, that's why I asked you." "I got -- I got this friend Hector." "Mm-hmm." "Okay?" "He contends that it's all the babies that we do see" "And that out there somewhere" "There are giant -- well-hidden, mind you -- pigeons!" "Hmm." "That can't be it, right?" "No -- you're an interesting man, Mr. Reno." "[ chuckles ]" "And I am a sad man." "[ chuckles ]" "I'm a sad, broken man." "I don't know that I'd say broken, sir." "Maybe you need a repair." "Hmm." "But "broken" is a strong word." "Mr. Reno, don't ever give your heart to a woman, okay?" "'cause all she will do is rip it out, stomp on it," "And then sell the rest of your organs to science." "And I ain't talking about political science." "[ laughs ] [ sobs ]" "Oh, no." "Oh." "[ clears throat ]" "I think that -- that we've had enough." "[ whimpers ] [ '80s music plays ] [ grunting ]" "You know, if I wanted to be stuck with asians," "I would have just joined the asian sorority." "Yeah, I was actually" "In the asian fraternity for a few hours." "Really?" "As crazy as they say?" "Oh, that's why I quit." "The human body can only lose so much fluid." "Well, you know, you're right." "Pairing us up was racist." "We should get back at them." "How?" "By rubbing some hot" "Asian-on-asian action in their faces." "That doesn't make any sense." "Neither does an asian Tarzan." "Good point." "Well, what the hell." "All right, I'm gonna grab you another drink" "So you'll forget what an awful dancer I am." "I don't agree, but I accept." "[ sighs ] oh, no." "This doesn't look good." "Oh, it's so refreshing to meet a guy" "Who actually has something to say," "I mean, who isn't obsessed with working out all the time" "And his body and " "If I meet one more jock, I'm gonna puke." "Me too." "I know." "Oh, jocks." "It's like..." "And their -- their muscles and their " "They've got their lack of body fat and all that." "It's so gross and stupid." "Oh." "How do they get out of bed in the morning?" "I don't know." "You know, it's like, how do they..." "Come on." "Brian, brian." "We've got a problem." "Our sheep has left the flock." "You don't think he went looking for Julie, do you?" "Oh, no." "Can you give me a minute?" "Yeah." "Be right back." "Go." "[ '80s music continues ] [ sniffing ]" "What the hell happened to you?" "[ growling ]" "Yeah." "Later days, wolfman." "What is her problem?" "I would love to do the woof." "Eli." "Hey." "We've got to go get Jason." "I think he went over to Zeta -- [ growls ]" "Oh." "Whoa." "Brian:" "Eli?" "I think we better leave him here." "Yeah." "Hello!" "I said that I would do it with a wolf." "That's you." "[ growls ]" "Psst!" "[ gasps ] Jason, what are you doing?" "!" "This is Zeta Rho house." "You can't be in here." "Shh." "How did you find me?" "We saw you climb up the side of the building." "Quite awkwardly, I might add." "Guys, I have to save Julie" "From Mark Cooper's giant mongoose schlong." "All right, well, not without backup." "Fine, but let the record show I was gonna do this by myself." "Okay." "[ loud music plays, indistinct conversations ]" "Somebody's coming!" "Go, go, go." "Ladies first." "[ sighs ]" "You look very lovely this evening." "Oh, thank you, benjamin." "[ chuckles ]" "Some music, perhaps?" "Oh, that would be lovely." "[ radio turns on ] that's the outfield, with "your love."" "And that's a dedication going out to Julie from Jason." "Now, Jason, you do know that song" "Is about cheating, right, mate?" "See?" "I told you." "She told me that it -- shh!" "Are you sure you're ready?" "Carol:" "Well, I don't want to rush things." "Of course not." "Neither do I." "But we've waited so long for this." "I just want what you want." "It's fine with me if you want to wait." "Oh, please wait, please wait, please wait." "Carol:" "I'm ready." "Damn it!" "Ready!" "[ both moaning ]" "God!" "[ both grunting ] [ jazz music plays ]" "Okay, look." "Moral support from a man dressed as han solo" "Should be taken with a grain of salt." "But here goes." "Male captus, bene detentus." "That's latin." "What's it mean?" "Who knows?" "Latin's a dead language." "But you, my friend, are not dead." "Sure, you might be at the bottom." "That just means there's one way for you to go -- up." "Or I could go sideways," "Just dragging along the bottom" "Until I fall into a crack." "No, you're not gonna make this very easy, are you?" "Shall I quote more latin?" "Mnh-mnh!" "Please don't." "I tell you, I'm just so sick of being on the bottom." "Well, there you go!" "And what are you gonna do about it?" "Huh?" "I'm gonna have me another drink." "No, no, no, no." "No, no." "No, no." "[ clicks tongue ] we already tried that." "Okay, then, well, I am going to talk to a woman." "Nice!" "Yes, I haven't done that in six months." "That's the spirit." "Yeah." "Yeah." "I like the way that you think." "Let's find you a lady." "Her." "Yeah, anybody that you -- whoa, whoa, whoa." "Not her." "Let's just keep the training wheels on." "We'll keep you in the shallow end until you're ready." "You know what I'm saying?" "You're mixing your metaphors, Mr. Reno." "And I am ready." "My climb up from the bottom starts right now." "Ben:" "That's the spot." "Now powder it, mommy." "What the hell is going on up there?" "Why does she need to powder it?" "Carol:" "Time for Ben-Ben to go potty?" "Too late, mommy." "Okay, why did she powder him before he went potty?" "Baby!" "Ben:" "Mommy!" "[ jazz music plays ]" "Cello." "[ slurring ] I was sitting over there," "And I just had to come over here and tell you personally," "Thank you so much" "For putting the "bau-bau-bau" back into jazz night." "[ chuckles ]" "Really?" "Mm-hmm." "Does that line work for you?" "Well, it used to," "Back in 1975, when I was single." "When this was like boom!" "[ chuckles ]" "Yeah." "But now I am back on the Market," "And I thought maybe you might like to do a little..." "Shopping." "Actually, what I'd like to do is be left alone." "Oh, I understand -- a window shopper." "Well, why don't I let you" "Take a look at something that might change your mind?" "Oh, my god!" "What is wrong with you?" "!" "Get away from me, pervert!" "What?" "No." "Pervert!" "I'm just trying to show you my business card." "I'm a professor." "He was reaching for his penis." "No, I would be reaching much lower" "If I was going for that." "Whoa, whoa." "Whoa, whoa." "[ chuckles ]" "We're all doing well here." "Drink down." "It's okay." "But you know, uh, what do you say we call it a night, hmm?" "Call me." "[ grunts ]" "Carol:" "Does baby like it?" "!" "Ben:" "Oh, baby like it!" "One more knuckle!" "How many knuckles does she have?" "So far, I've counted 11." "This isn't human." "[ moaning ]" "Oh, god." "That was close." "That was close." "[ grunts ]" "Mmm." "Mmm." "[ screaming ] [ all screaming ]" "[ Carol screaming ]" "[ glass shatters ]" "[ Carol screaming ]" "Just go, go." "Whoa." "What are you perverts doing here?" "!" "What?" "We'the perverts?" ""mommy"?" "I'm gonna break you, you, and you." "[ screams ] [ screams ] [ growls ] go, go!" "Oh, Ben!" "Oh!" "[ crying ] baby!" "Ben:" "Ow!" "Mommy!" "[ sobbing ] watch out!" "I still can't believe that she didn't want to call me." "[ scoffs ]" "I still can't believe you tried the "bau-bau-bau" line." "[ laughs ] what?" "[ laughing ] what was that?" "Man, that used to work back in my days." "Oh, I don't buy it for a second." "How's the jaw?" "Ah, it hurts like hell." "But I got to tell you," "I haven't felt this alive in a long time." "Thanks for having my back in there." "Oh, well, I was wearing the costume." "The least I could do was play the role, you know?" "[ chuckles ]" "Which reminds me..." "I've got a party to get back to." "That was insane." "Can you believe Eli saved our asses like that?" "Does he really think he's a wolf?" "Did you see what he did" "When I tried to tell him he wasn't one?" "I didn't think he'd ever stop humping your leg." "Annabel." "Hey." "[ '80s music plays ]" "Hey, there." "Hey." "How did it go?" "Did you find your friend?" "Yeah." "Yeah, we did." "He's heading back to the dorms now." "Actually, things got a little crazy." "Could have used some backup." "Do you ever notice" "There's never a cop around when you need one?" "[ chuckles ]" "So, how about a nightcap?" "Attempting to bribe an officer?" "Maybe." "Interesting tactic." "Fortunately for you, I'd love one." "Okay, let's go." "All right." "[ '80s music continues ]" "I would do sasquatch." "This just is not my night." "Hi." "Hi." "Hold on, hold on." "Before you do that, there's " "There's something you should probably know." "Uh-oh." "Remember how you said you didn't like jocks?" "[ warily ] yes." "[ sighs ]" "What... [ sighs ] baseball team." "Full scholarship." "Oh..." "My..." "God." "I am so sorry." "Oh, no, don't apologize." "Just show me how wrong I've been." "Oh." "[ crickets chirping ] [ lock disengages ]" "J-Julie, what are you doing here?" "You made me a key." "Remember?" "What happened to your party?" "I..." "Can't enjoy myself without you." "Where's Mark Cooper?" "I left him at the Zeta Rho house hours ago." "[ chuckles ] you did?" "Yes." "I just " " I couldn't stop thinking about you." "You know, you promised me that you were gonna be mature," "And you were." "The old Jason would have stormed the Zeta Rho house" "And made, like, a huge scene, and -- oh." "Not this Jason." "I know." "Thank you." "And I heard your song request on the radio." "Really?" "Uh..." "Y-you know that outfield song is about cheating, right?" "No." "No way." "It's about a guy telling his girlfriend" "How much he loves her." "I know!" "T-that's what I said." "Yeah." "We are so smart." "I know." "[ '80s music plays ]" "Oh, Julie." "Better than Shaun Cassidy?" "Mm-hmm." "I think you have something for me to sign." "Oh." "You knew why I came down to the bar." "Yeah, well, a white guy comes to jazz night" "Dressed like a gay space ranger," "I knew something was up." "You don't have to do this, you know." "Oh, yeah, I know." "And I'll probably regret it." "But when a man has your back," "The least you can do is have his." "So give me your back so I can sign this thing." "[ grunts ]" "Please tell me that wolf is not in your fraternity." "Okay, he's not."