"For heaven 's sake, Wendy, look for an airport." "Will you look for the airport?" "Don't make such a fuss." "Just put it down on a mountain." "What do you mean, put it down?" "I'm lucky I can keep it up." "I told you I never flew before." "Don't shout at me." "I'm a first-class passenger." "You're a first-class lunatic." "It's all over." "Our relationship has a quarter of a tank to go." "Yes, but you love me, don't you, Harold?" "I know this is an awkward time to bring it up but I must know for our future." "Harold, darling, do answer me." "You can stop pretending to be asleep, Sidney, it's over." "I was listening to Beethoven's Ninth." "Somewhere on this plane there's a wonderful orchestra." "The cameraman must do luggage commercials." "All you could see were the bags under my eyes." "We'll be landing in Los Angeles in five minutes." "I suppose we must." "You were terrific." "I loved it." "Thank you, that's sweet." "What?" "I hope you win the Oscar." "It's bizarre." "Eight years with the National Theater, two Pinter plays, nine Shakespeare three Shaw, and I finally get nominated for a nauseating comedy." "That's why they call it Hollywood." "Gorgeous color." "The smog." "I wonder if they sell it in bottles." "It'd make a wonderful present for the folks back home." "Thank you." "I'm sorry, Mr. Barrie." "The "No Smoking" sign is on." "Oh, sorry." "I thought it was meant for the people down there." "Christ, the royal treatment." "And if I lose, we go home in a station wagon." "I can get used to this life easily, darling." "Promise me you'll get nominated every year." "We have a magnificent suite back at the hotel for you." "How nice." "I'll call you in half an hour." "Fine." "Thank you." "Well, that's just fine." "Unless you're making a pot of tea, we're in trouble." "I didn't build the car." "I just drove it." "Did you look at the gauge like I told you?" "I looked at the gauge more than I looked at the road." "Iran off the road, I didn't run off the gauge." "If you looked at the gauge, it wouldn't have overheated." "Looking at the gauge real good stops it from overheating?" "No, but you've got to speak up." "You've got to say, "The gauge says we're overheating."" "This isn't the kind of news you keep to yourself." "I hate rent-a-cars." "Why don't we leave it here?" "It's cooling off." "I told you." "All we had to do was give it a chance." "Close the hood." "I'll drive." "No!" "Oh, God!" "Say he didn't slam the hood." "What's the matter with the doors?" "Didn't the man say not to slam the hood down?" "Didn't the man say the doors sometimes lock when you slam the hood down?" "Did the man say I would burn my hand?" "It's locked." "Who has the keys?" "The car has the keys." "You didn't take the keys?" "I only went from my seat to the hood." "I thought it'd be safe." "You're on this side, stand over there." "What fool closed the windows?" "That fool closed the windows." "Even with my eyes on the gauge, I saw that fool close the windows." "The air conditioning doesn't work with open windows." "Now the car doesn't work with closed windows." "Does it, fool?" "Smile, everybody." "We're in Los Angeles." "I'm not paying for this window." "You're keeping the books." "Put the window in his column." "We're driving, aren't we?" "We're not being towed, are we?" "Deduct the cost of being towed from my column." "When will you two stop bickering and start vacationing?" "It's been like this since we left Chicago." "I have to go to the bathroom." "Can we pull off and find a gas station?" "Okay, honey." ""Okay, honey"?" "What do you mean?" "This is no time for "okay, honey."" "We're on a freeway." "When your wife wanted tacos, I heard enough, okay-honeys." "Now, how am I on that side, honey?" "You're fine." "Hurry up." "He's not fine if he has to hurry up." "Now!" "Go now!" "Whiplash!" "Now we all got whiplash, okay, honey?" "Good luck tonight, Miss Barrie." "Would you?" "Everyone says you'll win." "I'm pleased just to be nominated." "Can I have your picture?" "Just by yourself." "Herb, how are you?" "Charley, what do you say?" "Billy Boy!" "How's the new script coming?" "I found all the words in the dictionary." "Just have to put them together." "We'll never be able to afford this." "The prices out here are ridiculous." "Yeah, sure." "Mrs." "Hannah Warren, please." "I asked them." "Bill Warren." "Yes?" "Where are you?" "306." "Why don't you come up?" "Come in." "One double scotch, one tea with lemon." "$6.95?" "Yes, ma'am." "Would it be possible to rent a couple of drinks?" "Ma'am?" "Would you put that on the coffee table, please?" "Hello." "Yes, put him on." "Bob?" "Thank God, a civilized voice." "How are you?" "No, awful." "I can't wait to get out of here." "It's like paradise with a lobotomy." "How's Washington?" "Rain." "God, how wonderful." "No, nothing is settled yet." "He's on his way up." "Bob, I don't want to call in a lawyer law HQ gal" "When have you known me to be intimidated?" "That doesn't count." "Yes, as a matter of fact, I remember it in detail." "Bob, can you save the erotic conversation until it can do us both some good." "Yes, I will." "I'll call you as soon as he leaves." "I do, too." "'Bye." "It looks like another beautiful day." "For a change." "Hello, Hannah." "You were supposed to knock." "I was going to keep you waiting." "You screwed up my big moment." "You still have trouble saying a simple hello." "I'm sorry." "You always did get a thrill out of the little things in life." "Hello, Bill." "Hello, Hannah." "How are you?" "At this moment, I am completely nonplussed." "What have you done to yourself?" "You've turned into a young boy again." "It's good to see you." "I mean it." "You look like the sweetest, young 14-year-old boy." "You're not spending your summers at camp, are you?" "Just three weeks in July." "Shouldn't we kiss or shake hands?" "Let's save it for when you leave." "I made a 1:30 reservation for lunch." "Is that all right?" "Just give me a minute." "When you haven't seen your ex-husband in nine years your eyes have to adjust." "I love your California clothes." "They're BIoomingdale's of New York." "It's the best place for California clothes." "My God, you look so...." "I don't know." "What is the word I'm looking for?" "Happy" "Casual." "You never know out here, are you dressed up now or is that sporty?" "I didn't think a tie was necessary for a reunion." "Is that what this is?" "When you walked in like that, I thought we were gonna play tennis." "You certainly look fit enough for it." "Fit?" "You think I look fit?" "You awful shit, I look gorgeous." "Yes, you do, Hannah." "Your tan, of course, is perfect." "I always wondered how you got the back of your ears so dark." "You put the top of your car down and drive away from the sun." "Look, if we're going to banter like this, give me a little time." "After nine years, I'm a little rusty." "You'll pick it right up again." "It's like French." "You see, that's what I'd miss if I ever left New York the bantering." "San Francisco is only an hour away." "We go up there and banter in emergencies." "I never liked San Francisco." "I was always afraid I'd fall out of bed and roll down one of those hills." "Not you, Hannah." "You roll up hills." "Good, you're bantering." "The flight out wasn't a total loss." "I detect a bit of snip in the air." "Does that mean your conversation with Jenny wasn't all that successful?" "I don't know." "I thought we glared at each other quite well." "I ordered a drink before lunch." "I thought one of us might be a little nervous." "I gave up double scotches six years ago." "I'm big on apple juice these days." "I guess I'm the one that's nervous." "It's obvious this place agrees with you, Bill." "Or do they call you Billy?" "That's right." "Jenny told me." "Everybody calls you Billy." "That's me, "Billy."" "It's just adorable." "44-year-old Billy standing there in his cute little sneakers and sweater." "You'd better sit down." "You make me feel like your math teacher." "I promised myself driving over here I would be pleasant." "I am being pleasant." "You drive everywhere, do you?" "Everywhere." "Even to your car?" "If we're going, I think we'd better get started." "You have changed." "You know, you don't get rattled as easily as you used to." "They don't have as many rattlers out here." "Maybe this lunch won't be as dull as I thought." "Hey, Marvin!" "Harry!" "Hey, boy!" "You got so bald." "How did you get so bald?" "You don't see your brother in five years, that's all you say?" "I didn't even know it was you, you got so bald." "Where's Millie?" "She's coming in on the morning plane." "You know, we don't like to fly together on account of the kids." "You got so bald." "Marvin, take a gander." "I'd give up two years of my life for one hour with each of them." "You still haven't changed, have you?" "Let's say hello and see how far we can get." "Don't start in with me, Harry." "I'm here one night without Millie." "Don't get me into trouble." "Would I do that to you?" "You did it to Papa when he was 82 years old, don't do it to me." "Oh, Miss" "Stop, already, with the girls!" "Your kid is getting bar mitzvahed tomorrow." "Stop it!" "What is this, ajogging outfit?" "That's what we do here." "Jenny tells me you've moved." "You're not in Hardy Canyon anymore." "Laurel." "Laurel Canyon." "Laurel, Hardy, what the hell." "She says it's sort of a small French farmhouse with a little water mill in back." "And the sweetest little tennis court." "That's right." "Sounds awfully rugged." "We're from pioneer stock out here in the West." "There's a glass house two blocks down the road if you want to throw some more stones." "Maybe I'll just drop something from the plane when I leave tonight with Jenny." "This is very familiar." "Yeah." "The house we rented the year before Jenny was born is just down the road there." "That wasn't a bad summer, was it?" "I thought it was terrific." "Well, the Pacific Ocean was a lot more interesting in those days." "No, thank you." "·No cigarettes either?" "No, I gave them up eight years ago." "Don't you miss the coughing and the hacking in the morning?" "It woke the dogs up." "I have dogs now." "Isn't divorce wonderful?" "You have changed, Billy." "You've gone clean on me." "Tell me, what else do you do to keep that winsome adolescent look?" "You're dying to make a little fun of me, aren't you?" "No, I don't mind." "I have an hour to kill." "Would you believe I run five miles every morning?" "After what?" "After a good night's sleep." "I don't even have a pill in my medicine cabinet." "And I gave up analysis." "I heard that." "Why did you quit?" "I went sane." "Tell me something, don't you ever get depressed?" "Yes." "When'?" "Now." "I hear you went in for an operation." "A hysterectomy." "It was nothing." "I have them every year." "I understood you had prostate trouble." "Small world, isn't it?" "Our past sins do have a way of catching up with us." "Jenny tells me you have a new boyfriend." "No." "I have a lover." "Jenny has boyfriends." "A writer for the Washington Post, I'm told." "He's 54 years old, he has a heart condition, asthma leans toward alcoholism." "He also has the second-best mind I've met in this country since Adlai Stevenson." "What's with you, mate-wise?" "Mate-wise?" "Mate-wise, I'm seeing a very nice girl." "Are you?" "Where are you seeing her to?" "Come on, Hannah." "I beg your pardon if I offended you." "My God, it's along time since I've been involved in a smart-ass conversation." "I'm sorry, but you're the one that said things like:" ""I hear you have a boyfriend" and "I'm seeing a nice girl."" "I'm not the one with the Bobbsey Twin haircut and the Peter Pan phraseology." "I can see you've really come to hunt bear, haven't you?" "Hunt bear?" "Is that what you said?" "Hunt bear?" "Is that the kind of conversation you have around the campfires out here in the rugged West?" "Can we talk about Jenny?" "What's your rush?" "She's only 17." "She has her whole life ahead of her." "If I'm gonna turn my daughter over to you, which I am not..." "...at least I want to know what you're like." "Hts" "Ours." "Maybe." "They've been a little slow with the blood test." "Christ!" "Five million cigarettes are murder on the lungs." "You used to be the healthiest girl I knew." "What happened?" "With Nixon in the White House, good health seemed to be in bad taste." "Your friend's about a size too small for me." "How does she fit you?" "Nicely, thank you." "Is this the neophyte actress with the golden hair Jenny's been telling me about?" "Am I being too nosy?" "Not for a Newsweek editor." "Yes, she is, and she's a damned good actress." "Married before, has a 9-year-old boy." "Really?" "Should make a nice pet for Jenny." "Is marriage contemplated?" "It's contemplated, it's being discussed and seriously considered." "And we all get along like clams." "Right." "Will there be room for all of you in the little French farmhouse?" "Or will you have to take a Moroccan villa on Wilshire Boulevard?" "What the hell are you so bitter about?" "You used to be bright and witty." "Now you're just snide and sarcastic." "It comes with age." "When you don't have a fastball anymore, you goto change-ups and sliders." "Can we go?" "I feel like we're playing From Here to Eternity." "Pretty girl." "I think so." "I suppose if Jenny stays, she'll grow up to look like that." "Blonde hair, blonde teeth blonde life." "God, I can just hear the quips flying when you and the second-best mind since Adlai Stevenson get together." "Sitting there freezing under a blanket at the Washington Redskins games playing anagrams with the names of all the Polish players." "Your mind clicks off bric-a-brac so goddamn fast, it never has a chance for an honest emotion or thought ever to get through." "You're so full of honest emotion, you fall in love every time someone sings a ballad." "You're worse than a hopeless romantic, you're a hopeful one." "You're the kind of man who would end the world famine problem by having them all eat out, preferably at a good Chinese restaurant." "For God's sake, let's stop this crap." "I don't know if you're bitter because Jenny ran away or because she ran to somebody whose lifestyle epitomizes all you consider cheap and banal." "I don't have a lifestyle." "I have a life." "You have no legal rights to her." "You understand that?" "Certainly." "Then tell her to come home with me." "I did." "She would like to try it with me for a year." "She's not happy in New York." "Nobody's happy in New York but they're alive!" "What a snob you are." "Thank God there's a few of us left." "What is so beautiful about your life that makes it so important to put down everyone else's?" "New York is not the center of the goddamn universe." "I grant you, it's an exciting, vibrant, stimulating, fabulous city but it is not Mecca." "It just smells like it." "To hell with New York, or Boston or Washington." "I don't care where Jenny lives, I care how." "She's a bright girl with an intelligent mind." "Let it grow and prosper." "What's she going to learn in a community whose greatest literary achievement is the map to movie stars' homes?" "Tell me about it, Hannah." "Tell me about the political elite on Martha's Vineyard in July." "I remember vividly those charity luncheons to raise money for the California grape pickers." "A teeming mob of women who must have spent $12,000 on Gucci pants so they could raise $2,000 for the grape pickers." "Why the hell didn't they just mail them the pants?" "You were terrific when you used to write like that." "I haven't seen your newest film." "I'm told it grossed very well in backward areas." "Jesus, was I anything like you before?" "I couldn't hold a candle to you." "No wonder nobody here talked to me for the first two years." "Lucky you." "Look, we have to settle this today." "If you respect Jenny as a person, respect her right to make a free choice." "You get her for the summers, that's enough." "It takes me the other ten months to get the seaweed out of her brains." "How much time do you spend with her?" "How often do you have breakfast with her?" "How many nights a week does she eat dinner alone?" "You think she's happy with that $20 bill you give her every time you go off to Washington for the weekend?" "The girl is growing up lonely, Hannah." "She's flown out here on her own savings to prove it to you." "She has two dogs, a Dominican cook and every good-looking boy in the senior class living off our refrigerator." "Despite her Gothic reports, she is not living the life of Jane Eyre." "Would you like to know what Jenny has to say about you?" "She told me." "She thinks I'm a son-of-a-bitch." "She also thinks I'm a funny son-of-a-bitch." "She loves me, but she doesn't like me." "She's afraid of me." "She's intimidated by me." "She respects mee, but she doesn't want to become like me." "We have a perfectly normal mother-daughter relationship." "How can you be so flippant when it comes to your daughter's well-being?" "How can you be so pompous not to recognize a perfectly normal rebellious attitude in a young girl?" "If she didn't complain, I'd send her to an expensive shrink." "Since she's with me ten months of the year it is only normal you're the one she's going to miss." "I think, by and large, she and I have managed quite well." "But like all young girls, she needs a father image." "I don't mind." "If it's only July and August, it might as well be you." "This is April and she came out without your permission." "She never had a good head for dates." "What would you do if I just keep her here with me?" "I'll call my friend, the US Attorney General if she's not on the 9:00 plane tonight." "Why didn't you ever run for office?" "I always thought you'd have made a hell of a governor." "I don't think a democratic system really works." "Offer me a monarchy and we'll talk." "It's 2:30." "Will you call Jenny or shall I?" "No." "No, what?" "No, sir." "The truth, Hannah." "You know if we leave it up to Jenny you don't stand a chance of getting her on that plane." "Certainly." "Why else would the ninny run away?" "Who said we don't have problems?" "She is 17." "When we go at each other, she needs another shoulder to cry on." "But I'll be goddamned if I'm gonna give up a daughter for a pink cashmere shoulder 3,000 miles away." "This is an event." "It's the first time in my life I've ever seen you so nervous." "I'm not nervous." "I'm scared to death." "That's good of you to admit it." "But honesty always was one of your strengths." "You're pretty cute yourself." "I mean it." "Why do men have to get better-looking when they get older?" "Remind me to bring it up at the Equal Rights Commission." "Where are the stars?" "I don't see any stars yet." "They come out at night." "I'll pick you up for dinner, 6:30 in front of the hotel." "Suit and tie or sloppy like you?" "Look at that beauty." "They fall out of the trees like oranges." "Lucky I didn't move out here." "I'd be bald, like you." "How come you're so preoccupied with sex, sex, sex?" "I thought all that jogging, you'd forget about sex." "You know something better?" "Here you go." "Thanks." "You're still the same: girls, girls, girls." "You fall apart every time you see a tookus." "Hello." "Yes, how are you?" "She's a bit nervous, I think." "Do you really think she will?" "Let's hope so." "Yes, and thank you for the flowers and for the fruit." "And for the lovely suite." "And for the caviar, and for everything else you send up by the hour." "One moment, Joe." "Diana, it's Joe Pickman." "Tell him I'm in the can." "The man has paid for this trip and this suite." "He gave you the best part you've had in five years." "I am not going to tell him you're in the can." "Then I'll tell him." "Joe, darling." "I told Sidney to tell you I was in the can." "I didn't want to speak to you, that's why." "Because I feel so responsible." "I don't want to let you down tonight." "I know how much this film means to you and I want so much to win this award for you, Joe." "No, there was no picture without you." "Goddamn it, it's true." "After four studios turned it down, you deserve some special perseverance award." "You're a chubby little man and I adore you." "If I win tonight, darling, it's not going to be an Oscar." "It's going to be a Joe Pickman." "You're an angel." "That was very sweet." "Did you like it, dear?" "That's going to be my acceptance speech." "Your acceptance speech?" "All except the part that I was in the can." "Naturally, you and I know I don't have a hope in hell but you have to prepare something." "You can't just stand there sobbing all over Burt Reynolds." "You've got as much chance as anyone else." "No, I don't have the sentiment on my side." "You've got to have a sentimental reason for them to vote for you." "Any decent actress can give a good performance, but the dying husband, that would have insured everything." "You wouldn't like to get something fatal for me, would you, angel?" "You should have told me sooner." "I could have come over on the Hindenburg." "We are dreadful, aren't we, Sidney?" "God will punish us." "I think he already has." "Let's do something naughty." "You always think of such good naughty things to do." "I was naughty all day yesterday." "Not with me, you weren't." "You'll just have to learn to show up on time." "Except for an extremely critical decision still to be made, it's been a nice day." "What do you say, Hannah?" "I'm out of cigarettes." "I can't be expected to give up my daughter and cigarettes on the same day." "Goddamn it." "I only have one more year with her." "Next September, she's going to college." "She's going to come out in four years a revolutionary or a nun." "Or worse, like you or me." "A little bit of both wouldn't be so bad." "Do you like your mother?" "My mother?" "She's dead." "Don't quibble." "Did you like her?" "Yes, I liked her." "I don't like mine much." "Can you imagine being a pain in the ass for 78 years?" "I knew there was something wrong." "Even in the womb I never felt comfortable." "I think I was hanging too low." "We shouldn't have had Jenny." "People like you and me, we're too selfish." "And I don't want her to grow up hating me." "I don't want to see her growing up out here because I'm scared I'm going to hate her." "I know." "Maybe you and I should have stayed together." "We could have let Jenny go." "What do you think?" "I think you're still one of the most interesting women I've ever met." "He's not going to live long, you know." "Whyo isn't?" "My friend at the Washington Post." "He had open-heart surgery that was a total waste of time." "I'm sorry to hear that." "So am I." "The man could really make me laugh." "You win some, lose some." "Talk about resiliency." "For a smart lady in a man's world, I'm not doing so bad." "Tell me something." "Is being in love better now?" "Yes." "Why?" "Because it's now." "Oh, Christ." "I can't wait to become a grandmother." "I screwed up the first time around." "Yes." "I see." "Yeah, I understand." "No, I'll take care of it." "Okay." "Bye-bye." "It's Jenny." "She's downstairs with her bags packed." "She says it's up to us." "She'll abide by whatever decision we both make." "And you agreed?" "Certainly." "What a cunning bastard you are." "If she goes back to New York, she'll think I coerced you." "If she stays here, she'll think I didn't fight for her." "You think she has that devious a mind?" "Of course, she's my daughter." "Don't suppose you'd consider spending ten months of the year back East?" "Only if everyone there leaves." "You want me to make it easy for you?" "I'll throw in my vote." "Whatever you say goes." "I'll tell Jenny we both made the decision." "Jesus, no wonder there are so many used-car salesmen out here." "How much time do I have?" "I've always panicked at deadlines." "As much time as you want." "Is it only from here she looks so small to me?" "I say she goes back." "I see." "All right, then, she goes back." "You think I'm wrong, don't you?" "I'm disappointed, but I trust your instincts." "If you feel it's right, I have faith in Jenny that she'll see it, too." "L.m" "I'm so afraid I'm going to lose her, Bill." "What are you looking at?" "This is a new color for you:" "Vulnerable." "Take a picture of it because you're not gonna see it again." "Keep her." "What'?" "I said, keep her." "But for six months, not a year." "I get to choose the school and any school I choose has to give me three references." "God, what am I doing?" "Stay the weekend." "Talk it over again with Jenny." "You don't have to make a decision because you got a plane ticket." "I'm a fighter." "If I stay the weekend, I'll not only take Jenny I might take your damn girlfriend back, too." "Don't let me bully you into this, Hannah." "Why can't the three of us talk it out?" "I'm gonna get Jenny up here." "No, goddamn it!" "If I have to give her up to get her back, then let's do it." "You never stop amazing me." "I'll tell you one thing." "You're not the same woman I left nine years ago." "And I'm missing the ovaries to prove it." "Well, guess who's nonplussed now." "You never thought I'd say yes, did you?" "Keep up that pioneer spirit." "You'll need it raising a 17-year-old daughter." "I think you're doing a terrific thing." "So do I." "I suppose you want to see her before you go." "You suppose wrong." "I've seen her." "I'll call her when I get to New York." "Bell Captain, please." "What should I tell her?" "Tell her I hope she'll be happy, and I'm selling her record collection." "Would you send someone up for the luggage?" "Room 306." "Thank you." "You know, we couldn't have been too bad together." "We produced a hell of a girl." "You have that a little wrong." "I think the two of you produced a hell of a mother." "Maybe you're right." "Can we shake hands now?" "I'm about to leave." "Sure." "What more can I lose?" "Serve her plenty of broccoli and lima beans." "She likes them?" "She hates them." "But from now on, what do I care?" "Good-bye, Hannah." "It was very good seeing you again." "I feel like an artist about to part with a painting that she doesn't want to sell." "I'll frame it and keep it in a good light." "Do that." "Take care of my daughter, too." "'Bye." "What do you mean, one room?" "There are two reservations." "Dr. and Mrs. Willis Panama." "Dr. and Mrs. Chauncey Gump." "I have here one deluxe room double bed, for Dr. and Mrs. Panama on the 3rd, 4th and 5th." "I have nothing for a Dr. Gump." "There must be a clerical error, or omission of intelligence because my travel agent made the reservation." "He's my wife's brother, and he's also my patient." "I wish you'd double-check it." "I've already double-checked our files." "Here's the telegram we received." "See for yourself." "Yes, I can see that my name is missing from this wire but as you see, I'm not missing from your hotel." "There's four of us, and we need two rooms." "I don't have two rooms available." "I'm sorry." "It's Academy Award week." "We don't care who wins." "We just want to get into bed." "I do have a small single." "However, there are some repairs going on." "It's not terribly comfortable, but I can squeeze a small daybed in." "I'm sorry, but it's the best I can do." "I'm not gonna stand around with whiplash and argue." "I'm gonna check into the Hilton." "Let's go, baby." "It's our last few days of vacation." "I hate for us not to be together." "Bl We're going to the Hilton, right?" "They do have a reservation for two of us." "You want to stay after the way they've treated us?" "They're treating me and Bettina all right." "I had my heart set on staying here." "I mean, it's so pretty here, Chauncey." "Listen." "Even a tiny room in this place couldn't be too bad." "It's only for two nights." "Please, Chauncey." "Okay." "Okay." "We'll toss for the small room." "I already have my reservation." "You're not thinking what I hope you're not thinking." "I didn't make the reservation." "I don't see why we have to suffer because her brother is an idiot." "We see enough blood in the hospital." "I don't want to see blood in the lobby." "Either we toss for the room, or we toss for the room." "Now call it." "I'm not tossing for any room." "I'm going up to my registered room, sit in my reserved bath." "Come on, honey." "Take it easy." "What time is it?" "What?" "What time is it?" "It's 12:45." "Remember that time, because that's when we declared war." "Yes, we'd like the court from 10:00 a.m. to 11:00 a.m. tomorrow." "And split the charges with me and Dr. Gump." "With balls and everything." "All right, thank you." "We got it." "We are set." "Tomorrow morning." "We're going to cream them six-love, six-love, and if we have time six-love again." "Hello." "Chaunce." "Hi, buddy, what are you doing?" "Nothing much." "Just sitting here watching the toilet flush." "It's been flushing two hours now, wouldn't you say?" "That's too bad." "You and Lola want to use ourjohn?" "No." "We were thinking about waiting till we get back to Chicago." "We're all set." "Tomorrow, 10:00 a.m. How's that?" "Fine." "Sneakers will be damp though, but you won't mind." "When are we going to the Greek restaurant?" "Lola wants to know what time we're going to the Greek restaurant." "Didn't I tell you?" "Bettina felt like Japanese, so I booked Fujiyama's for 7:30." "We'll see you down in the lobby, 7:15." "Don't be late, you hear?" "Fine." "That man will never get to Chicago alive." "The real dark horse in this year's Oscar derby seems to be Diana Barrie." "One of the most respected actresses in the business and perhaps best known for portrayals of Shakespearean queens and Pinter heroines at London's National Theater." "Diana is up for her first Oscar...." "Hello?" "Yes." "We'll be down in five minutes." "Thank you." "Sidney'?" "Yes?" "Sidney, take a look and try to be gentle." "Channel 2 just picked you as a dark horse." "They must have seen the dress." "You hate it." "How much was it?" "Nothing." "Joe Pickman paid for it." "Then I love it." "I wish you didn't have such good taste." "I have a definite hump on my left shoulder." "It cost 500 pounds and I look like Richard III." "Do you notice the hump, Sidney?" "Isn't that your regular hump?" "Don't joke." "I am going on national television." "There are no humps." "I can see no humps at this particular time." "I should have worn something simple." "My black pantsuit." "Why the hell didn't I wear my black pantsuit?" "Because I am wearing it." "We should never have come." "I never know how to dress in this country." "It's so easy to dress in England." "You just put on warm clothing." "Why did we come, Sidney?" "Because it's free, darling." "Glenda Jackson never comes." "She's nominated every goddamned year." "We could have stayed in London and waited for a telephone call." "David Niven could have accepted for me." "He'd have been witty and no one would have noticed my hump." "Use it, sweetheart." "People will pity you for your deformity and you're sure to win." "Maybe if you put your arm on my shoulder." "Keep your arm on my shoulder at all times." "If I win, we'll go up together, your arm around me." "They'll think we're still mad for each other after 12 years." "I thought we were." "I keep forgetting." "How many gin and tonics have you had?" "Three gins and one tonic." "Catch up on the tonics." "We don't want to be disgusting tonight, do we?" "What's wrong with my hair?" "I look like I've combed it with a towel." "When you played Elizabeth, you looked like a warthog and never complained." "That was acting, this is living." "Living, I want to be beautiful." "It's the strangest color." "I asked for a simple rinse and that ditsy queen's given me crayons." "Shall I walk with my arm on your head as well?" "Oh, Christ." "I hate getting dressed like this." "Why is it I'm always perfectly comfortable as somebody else?" "I'd have been perfectly happy going as Hedda Gabler." "Try Quasimodo." "Try shutting up." "Now check me out." "Do I have too much jewelry on?" "Jingle it." "I can't tell if I don't hear it." "Will you please be nice to me and pay me one bloody compliment?" "I've been getting ready for this horseshit affair for three hours." "You're just" "What'?" "What?" "I was going to say you're making a mountain out of a molehill." "But I didn't think it would amuse you." "That's not funny, Sidney." "That's bizarre." "Give me a drink." "You have the most bizarre sense of humor." "Bizarre people often do." "Give me a bit more." "It's all right, I won't get pissed till after I lose." "The car is waiting." "Oh, God, why do they have these things so early?" "No woman can look good at 5:00 in the afternoon except possibly Tatum O'Neal." "Finish your drink." "I don't want to miss the sound editing awards." "Those bloody photographers and newsmen." "I can't wait to see how they explain my hump in the papers." "Where you going?" "I need another drink." "The last one wore off in the lift." "Gin and tonic, please." "Nothing for me." "I heard that if you're late, they put nondescript people in your seats." "Do you know what I might do next year?" "I pray, anything but Ibsen." "I might give it all up." "It's no fun anymore." "How I envy you." "You're the one with all the talent." "I'm the one who has to make a horse's ass of myself." "Talent?" "What talent do I have?" "You have nothing but talent." "You cook better than I do you write better than I do." "God knows you dress better than I do." "Better than I. The "do" is superfluous." "You speak better than I do." "What's that green slime you're eating?" "It looks like a dish out of Oliver Twist." "I'm not sure." "I think they ran the front lawn through a blender." "You've got that glazed look in your eye." "That bored-with-her-life attitude." "I'm never bored with your life, my angel." "I love the openings, and the parties." "I lead a very gay life." "Let's be honest, pet." "How many antique dealers go to the Academy Awards?" "You hate that dusty little shop." "You're never there when I call." "Could I, Miss Barrie?" "It's for my daughter." "Certainly." "Excuse me." "What's her name?" "Just say, "To Frank."" "What do you do with your afternoons?" "In London?" "I don't think we have afternoons." "Gin and tonic" "Check, please." "Come along." "You should never have given it up, Sidney." "What'?" "Acting." "Christ, you were good." "You had more promise then any of us." "Really?" "I can't think what it was I promised." "You were so gentle on the stage." "So unselfish, so giving." "You had a sweet, gentle quality." "Yes, I would have made a wonderful Ophelia." "You could go back, Sidney, if you wanted to." "We could do plays together, have more time together." "No, there'd be problems." "It would be awful if we were both up for the same part." "I'm perfectly happy selling my 18th-century door knockers." "You haven't told me what you do with your afternoons." "I told you, I look for knockers." "I think I got it stopped." "Don't use the water in the bathroom for a while." "It's okay." "We have enough on the floor to last." "Thank you." "Okay." "Hurry up." "What'?" "Lola." "The man is 20 minutes late." "How would you like to be lying on an operating table with tubes going in your nose, waiting for him to show up?" "Your brother's going to pay for this." "I'm tired of being nice to that man." "Next time I take his x-rays, wait till I tell him what I found." "My feet are still wet." "The foot powder is turning into concrete." "Nine Japanese restaurants in ten nights!" "I am sick of stepping on raw fish in my stockinged feet that that man drops on the floor." "Come on." "This is Pearl Harbor night!" "Can we get going?" "I'll drive." "You'll what?" "Do you know where Fujiyama's is?" "No." "I'll drive." "Why don't you two argue in the back?" "I'll drive." "Okay, honey." "Okay, honey?" "Watch out when he says, "Okay, honey."" "I feel like a caged animal, Sidney." "They look as though they're going to throw nuts at us." "Nonsense, darling, they're just ogling us." "I adore being ogled." "Oh, Sidney." "Yes?" "Mm., Kiss me and wish me luck." "There's your kiss." "Now turn around, so I can rub your hump for luck." "Sidney, please be nice to me." "I'm scared to death." "I wish you everything." "I wish you luck, I wish you love, I wish you happiness." "You are a gifted and remarkable woman." "I hope you win the bloody Oscar." "Fifty years from now, I'll be able to sell it for a fortune." "Just hold my hand, angel." "And now, ladies and gentlemen, to again prove that the Academy Awards are indeed international in scope we're so pleased to welcome here from London the Academy Award nominee for her best performance in that wonderful picture No right Turns" "No, it's called No Left Turns." "Miss Diana Barrie, and her handsome husband, Sidney Barrie." "Sidney Cochran." "You say when you put your foot on the brakes, nothing happened?" "I didn't say nothing happened." "I said that the brakes didn't work." "When the brakes didn't work, nothing good happened." "You snapped the cable holding the cars." "I don't think I've ever seen anything like this." "I thought it was a jet." "I thought, "Oh, God, we've just been 747'd."" "My legs are paralyzed." "I can't move." "We're going to get you out as fast as we can, all right?" "I'm not in the car." "I'm sitting in a Japanese restaurant." "We'll get you a cup of coffee, all right?" "Congratulations." "Come on, it's after 3:00 a.m." "Don't give me that superior-than-thou crap." "You're stinking, aren't you?" "Don't talk to me like that." "I'm a lady." "A loser and a lady." "One of the great losing ladies of the cinema." "You remember that night up in the Catskills when you ran away and you came back an hour later because you stepped in the cow doo-doo?" "That's funny." "Am I tanked, Harry." "Are you sure this is the right hotel?" "Don't ask me." "I'm blind." "Hey, boobie, thanks for a terrific evening." "Thank me in the morning." "The night is not over yet." "What do you mean?" "What are you smiling about?" "Sleep well, kid." "Don't forget to leave an early wake-up call." "What are you talking about?" "What's going on here?" "I don't trust that guy." "Something is going on here." "Hi." "I'm Bunny." "Is this 2037" ""Happy birthday from your brother Harry, Happy birthday to you"" "This is not my birthday." "My birthday isn't until next month." "I'm in no hurry." "Tequila?" "You never told me what award I missed when I went to the can." "The best documentary short subject." "Oh, damn it." "My favorite category." "What won?" "The Midgets of Leipzig, a Czech-Polish production." "Sigmund Wednetski, producer." "Directed by Litweil Zumbredowicz and Stefan Vlech." "I thought they would." "What was the best picture?" "The best picture?" "You were there when they announced it." "It came after the best actress." "I was in a deep depression at the time." "What was the best bloody picture?" "You mean what was the best picture or what did those idiots pick as the best picture?" "What won the award, you asshole?" "I am not an asshole." "Don't you call me that." "I have just thrown up on some of the best people in Hollywood." "Now is no time to be sensitive." "What was the best picture?" "I'm not telling you." "I'm not asking you, I'm threatening you, you crud." "Now I'm definitely not going to tell you." "I'm sorry, I take it back, Sidney." "You're not a crud." "God!" "Am I still an asshole?" "Definitely." "I'm never going to tell you." "You behaved abominably tonight." "Did not." "Abominably!" "Asshole, crud!" "I am going to bed." "We have a 10:00 a.m. plane to catch in the morning." "10:00 a.m. is the morning." "That is redundant, you A.H." "Do you think I don't know what you're saying?" "I can spell, you know." "Not without moving your lips, you can't." "I would like another drink, please." "You drank everything in this state." "Try Nevada." "Sidney." "I saw your privates." "You were right." "We should never have come here." "Ever see a greater assemblage of ...under one roof in all your life?" "Were the hypocrites there?" "Why didn't you point them out to me?" "Hypocritical hypocrites." "They love you and fawn over you on the way in." "If you're a loser when you come out, it's, "Too bad, darling." ""Give us a call when you're back in town."" "You should've thrown up over the bloody lot of them." "Sidney'?" "Yes?" "Was I hit by a bus?" "I look as though I was hit by a fully-loaded guided tour bus." "Did you notice how quickly the winners got their cars?" "They must've known beforehand who the winners would be in order for the winners to get their cars before everyone else." "We come 6,000 miles for this bloody affair and they park our car in Vancouver." "I've aged, Sidney." "I'm getting lines in my face." "I look like a brand-new steel-belted radial tire." "Even Litweil Zumbredowicz and Stefan Vlech got their cars before us." "...they splashed water all over my trousers as they drove by." "I'm hungry." "What are you doing?" "I'm phoning room service." "I want some eggs Benedict." "Hello." "Yes, eggs Benedict, please." "You have to ask for room service first, twit." "Room service, please." "Twit and a half." "Touché." "Isn't there anyone there?" "I only wanted some eggs Benedict." "I see." "Just isn't my night, is it?" "Where are you going?" "To their bloody kitchen to make myself some eggs Benedict." "Twit." "Twitette." "I don't feel so good." "What is it?" "Raw fish and wet feet." "I'd like to throw up, but the room is too small." "Lola." "I think I'm gonna throw up." "I'm positive." "Lola." "Lola!" "Who could that be at this hour?" "Who do you think?" "Their game plan is to see that we don't get any sleep." "Hello." "It's Lola." "Yes, Lola." "What?" "You're kidding." "Tell him to take two compid spansules." "What?" "Listen, I don't make house calls when I'm working." "Why should I when I'm on vacation?" "All right." "I'll be there, all right." "He's purposely doing this." "He knows that I don't play well without eight hours of sleep." "I'll give him some sleeping pills." "He won't be able to raise his racket for a week." "Don't start in, he'll sue you for malpractice." "But we'll win the match." "I found the people at the Oscars singularly unattractive this year." "Didn't you?" "Oh, Christ!" "I noticed a general decline in face-lifts and hair transplants." "Must be the economy, don't you think?" "Did you get your eggs Benedictined?" "Bitchy." "Bitchy, darling." "You haven't started anything naughty without me, have you?" "I didn't expect to see you until dawn." "I heard lots of other cats prowling around out there." "We're not all as lucky as you, Sidney." "You got your prowling in early." "Who was he, Sidney?" "What are you talking about?" "That adorable young actor you were chatting with all night." "Gorgeous, wasn't he?" "Where did you find him?" "He was at our table." "We shared a butter plate." "How spreadably cozy." "Careful, darling." "We're tired and we're smashed." "Let's not get into shallow waters." "am" "Let's just talk show biz, shall we?" "Who did you vote for tonight, Sidney?" "I don't vote, dear." "I'm not a member of the Motion Picture Academy." "I am an antique dealer." "One day, when you're an antique, I shall vote for you." "That's a promise." "I mean, who did you vote for privately?" "In the deep, inner-twit recesses of your redundant mind." "When Miss No-Talent ran up there all teeth and teary-eyed I could feel the tension release from every part of your body." "What a nasty streak you have when you drink." "Also when you eat and sit and walk." "Picky, Sidney." "Are you unhappy because you didn't get to wear my dress?" "If I had worn your dress, it would have hung properly." "Nothing personal." "There never is anything personal between us, is there?" "Or is that getting too personal?" "I was devastated when you lost." "But look at it this way:" "it's just a little bald, naked statue." "Just like you'll be, one day." "Did he carve his telephone number in your butter patty for you?" "Goto hell." "What's this, Sidney, a direct assault?" "A frontal attack?" "That's not like you, Sidney." "Wit and parry, wit and parry, that's more your style." "You make me sick." "When you can't have what you want you make certain everyone is equally as miserable." "I haven't noticed any equals around me." "It's amazing how you can throw up verbally as well as nutritionally." "Adam." "That was his name, wasn't it?" "Adam, the first man." "It's not very appropriate for you, is it?" "Diana, come off it." "We keep up a front for everyone else." "Why not for ourselves?" "Lie to each other that we're perfectly well-mated?" "A closet couple, is that what you mean?" "I have never hidden behind closed doors but I am discreet." "Discreet?" "You did everything but lick his artichoke." "Please, let's not have a discretion contest." "I have heard about your lunch breaks on the set." "The only thing you don't do in your dressing room is dress." "Now I've lost count of my Librium." "If I'm not up by 9:00, I've overdosed." "Why is he coming to England?" "Who?" "That boy." "He said, "See you in London next week."" "What's he doing in London?" "Acting, of course." "He's making a film there." "What film?" "I don't follow other people's films." "I barely follow yours." "Goddamn him!" "And goddamn you, goddamn the Oscars." "Goddamn California, goddamn everything!" "What is it about this climate that brings out the religion in you?" "Why don't you love me?" "What film is that line from?" "You bastard, answer the question." "Why don't you love me?" "It didn't sound like a question." "I'm tired of paying for everything and getting nothing in return." "I thought Joe Pickman paid for everything." "If it wasn't for me, you wouldn't be here tonight to have arranged to meet him in London next week." "Why don't you love me anymore, Sidney?" "I've never stopped loving you in my way." "Your way doesn't do me any good." "Diana it is nearly 4:00 a.m." "Now is not a good time to discuss biological discrepancies." "Faggot!" "Oh, good." "I thought you'd never ask." "Don't turn away from me." "I'm so miserable." "Sidney, don't do this to me." "Please." "I'm sorry." "It hasn't been a winning evening, has it?" "Screw the Oscars." "Screw the Academy Awards." "Screw me, Sidney, please." "Please." "Please." "I didn't mean that." "I don't want to put you off your game." "I am always here for you." "My friendly filling station." "Why don't you stick to your own kind?" "If there's anything I hate, it's a bisexual homosexual." "Or is it the other way around?" "It works either way." "Jesus God, Sidney." "I love you so much." "I know that, darling." "Why do you stay with me?" "What do you get from me that could possibly satisfy you?" "A wider circle of prospects." "I'm a minor celebrity, once removed." "Sorry, I didn't win that award tonight." "Your dance card would have been filled for a year." "We haven't done too badly together." "I'm kinder to you than your average stunt man." "There was a time when I thought you'd give it all up for me." "I love you, my angel." "More than any woman I've ever known." "Christ, I can't get a break." "I do the best I can." "Thank you." "You can't say we don't have fun together." "Hell, no." "The dinner conversations alone are worth the trouble." "Sorry, Sidney, it wasn't the kiss." "It's my life." "Tired?" "Come on." "Losing Oscars always does that to me." "I'll get up first thing and order your eggs Benedict." "You do take care of me, Sidney." "I'll say that." "And good help is so hard to find these days." "You scratch my back and I'll scratch yours." "It's been an evening of ups and downs, hasn't it?" "Care to continue the motion?" "Tacky." "You're getting tacky, my angel." "I love you, Sidney." "Don't close your eyes, Sidney." "I always close my eyes." "Not tonight." "Look at me tonight." "Let it be me tonight." "Long." "What?" "Long." "The serve was long." "You're half asleep." "How can you see the serve was long?" "I saw it with the half that was awake." "Second serve." "I hope he knows about orthopedics because he won't be able to walk after this." "Long." "Double fault." "Love-fifteen." "What'?" "What?" "How can you call that ball long?" "It's simple, like this:" "Long!" "Now serve the ball." "Serve the ball." "We only have the court an hour." "After I serve, head for the clubhouse because there's not going to be any survivors after this." "You ready?" "Get a towel somebody, quick." "I'm sorry." "If it hurts, massage it." "Honey, I'm sorry." "It's okay, it's okay." "You all right?" "It was my fault." "Yeah, I'm okay." "All right, fault, second serve." "Let them have the room tonight, please." "It's safer." "Never again." "Oh, God." "What are you doing here?" "I thought you left." "Come on." "You can't stay here." "Wake up." "10:45." "Jesus Christ, it's 10:45." "Wake up." "Don't you understand?" "It's 10:45." "Crazy." "I must be crazy." "Hello, operator, what time is it?" "10:45?" "Why didn't you call me?" "I left a wake-up call for 8:00 this morning." "I did." "I didn't'?" "You should have called me anyway." "Come on." "Get up." "My wife could walk in any minute." "What's wrong with you?" "Are you deaf or something?" "You all right?" "What did you do?" "You drank an entire bottle of tequila with my wife coming in?" "Are you crazy?" "God." "Listen." "You've got to sleep this off elsewhere." "This is a bad place to sleep this off." "Water." "How about some nice water?" "Here, lady, sip a little water." "Drink, sweetheart, for my sake." "Open your lips, you crazy broad." "Don't panic." "Panic is the quickest way to divorce." "I must not panic." "Move!" "Move!" "Please, God, make her move." "I'll never be a bad person again, I promise." "All right." "We're going to get you dressed and down into a cab." "That's it." "I'm really sorry this happened." "It was a wonderful evening, whoever the hell you are." "Come on, darling, push." "Get your leg in there." "Get your foot in there and push." "Come on, push darling." "Push." "Get your feet in here." "Put your legs up and push." "Get the...." "Come on." "You're not going to help me, right?" "Think, Marvin." "Change rooms." "Let some other idiot get stuck with her." "Hello, operator, get me the front desk." "This is an emergency." "Listen to me." "I have two wonderful children who need a father." "Don't do this to me." "Hello, this is Mr. Michaels in Suite 203 and 204." "I'm very uncomfortable in this room." "The bed is very bad for my back." "When I woke up this morning, I thought my life was over." "We don't have another vacancy until 2:00 this afternoon." "One moment." "May I help you, ma'am?" "Marvin Michaels." "I'm Mrs. Marvin Michaels." "He's on the phone now." "Suite 203." "Thank you." "Would you tell him I'll be right up?" "Mr. Michaels?" "As I was saying...." "We can have a very nice suite for you after 2:00." "I can't wait until after 2:00." "My wife is coming in any minute now and I know she's not going to be happy once she sees this room." "Who's here?" "My wife?" "My wife is here?" "You sent my wife up here without calling me?" "What the hell kind of a cheap hotel are you running here?" "Send somebody to stop her before she sees this bed." "It could ruin her entire vacation." "I could jump." "With two broken legs, she'd never be angry with me." "Oh, my God!" "Marvin?" "Oh, God!" "Marvin." "Hello?" "Marvin?" "Open the door." "Just a minute." "What are you doing?" "Rearranging the furniture?" "Open the door." "I'm going into the other room once I'm in there, lock this door and don't open it for anyone." "What?" "I can't hear you." "Who is it?" "It's me." "Millie." "Millie?" "Yes." "In a minute." "Millie." "Hello." "Thank you for opening the door." "Hello, sweetie." "Why didn't you pick me up at the airport?" "Why?" "Yes, why?" "Why." "I've been sick all day." "I just threw up in the other room." "Don't go in there." "The doctor left about ten minutes ago." "I have acute gastroenteritis." "But it's nothing to worry about." "God." "When did this happen?" "About 2:00 in the morning." "You look terrible." "Why don't you get into bed, honey." "You'll feel better." "You'll be more comfortable." "Oh, no!" "I'm not supposed to lie down." "It makes me nauseous." "It just makes me nauseous lying down." "You're so sweet." "I feel much better in this room." "It's so much cheerier." "I think you'd better lie down." "I need some compazine spansules." "What's that?" "It stops nausea." "Compazine spansules." "Did you call the drugstore downstairs?" "Yes." "They don't carry it." "It has codeine in it." "The nearest place for it is a drugstore on Santa Monica Boulevard." "But they don't deliver." "I have to go down there myself." "All right, I'll go." "Where's the prescription?" "What prescription?" "Didn't the doctor give you one?" "You can't get codeine without it." "Yes, you can." "In California you can." "Compazine spansules." "I have to go to the bathroom." "Low'?" "I haven't gone in four hours." "I told you, I just threw up in there." "All over." "Please, give me the opportunity, then, of making it presentable first." "It means a great deal to me." "We've been married for 15 years." "You've never cleaned up a bathroom before." "I think it's high time I started." "Don't you?" "Please, I'll be right out." "Sit down for a minute." "Here." "Have a piece of fruit." "Clean up the bathroom, okay?" "I'm sorry, Miss." "I'm going to have to leave you out in the hall." "Don't worry about it, they'll take care of you." "They have very good service here." "Mr." "Michaels?" "Oh, Christ!" "Don't ever do that." "I'm sorry." "I was just bringing up Mrs. Michaels' bag." "Oh, good." "They found your bag, honey." "She was very worried about it." "She was just going down to look for it." "Do you want it in the bedroom?" "No." "Yes." "Leave it there." "In the hall?" "Yes." "No." "Give it to me." "No, put it in the bedroom." "Is she all right?" "Yes, she's very tired." "She just flew in from New York." "Thanks very much." "I'll take care of you later." "Marvin." "Why is the door locked?" "I can't hear you." "I'm in the bathroom cleaning." "I can't wait anymore." "Open the door." "I'll open the door." "Here comes the door." "Marvin!" "The opening of the door is coming." "What are you doing?" "On the way to the door." "It's open." "Don't you know how to work a door?" "What took so long?" "You got a girl in here?" "That's right." "I have a beautiful blonde in the bed." "I smell perfume." "Woman's perfume." "They spray it in all the rooms." "It's a terrific hotel." "Oh, God, I'm never going to make it." "Feel better, sugar pie?" "I got circles under my eyes." "I didn't sleep all night." "I have to take a nap." "A nap?" "Why do you want to take a nap?" "You can nap at the barmitzvah." "You know how boring they are." "We're never going there unless I have a few minutes rest." "Now move over." "Wait." "Would you sit down for a minute?" "I have to tell you something." "Can I lie down and hear it?" "It's the kind of thing you should hear sitting up." "Millie." "You mean more to me than you could possibly know." "But sometimes we transgress." "Sometimes we do foolish things which unwittingly cause hurt and injury to the other." "I don't think you've ever consciously hurt me." "Consciously, no." "But a careless word here, a foolish gesture there." "Nothing major, Marvin." "We've had disagreements, but nothing major." "I'm glad you brought that up, Millie." "What would you consider major?" "Major?" "I don't know." "I can't picture you doing anything major." "I guess if you were cruel to the children, that would be major." "I would put that Number 1." "I would say that that was the worse thing a man could do in a marriage." "To be cruel to children is unpardonable." "All else could be forgiven." "You with another woman." "That'd be major." "Let's not get off the children thing so fast." "To me, children are the reflection of" "Marvin, I've got to lie down." "I've missed you so." "So, let's go to the living room." "God, I've missed you." "So, let's go to the living room." "God, I've missed you." "Let's make love in the living room." "You've missed me?" "You've only been away one night." "I know, but there's a three-hour time difference." "My God, I've never seen you look so pretty." "Come here, you cute little thing." "Don't be ridiculous, there's not even a bed in here." "They have terrific carpeting." "Come on." "We tried pot last year." "Let's try carpeting this year." "Maybe tonight." "If I don't lie down, I'll pass out." "Millie." "Wait." "No!" "You don't have to get so upset." "I said tonight." "I've never seen you so sex-crazed in the morning." "I didn't realize it was the morning." "Why don't you just lie down next to me and relax?" "We don't have to make love." "Just lie down next to me for half an hour." "Come on." "You can do that, can't you?" "What are you doing down there?" "My back is acting up again." "The bed is too soft." "I don't believe that for a second." "Millie, I can't keep this up anymore." "I'm going to get a heart attack." "I'm going to tell you something, and this is the truth." "No more lies." "It was never my intention to hurt you, Millie but it's very possible that in the next few minutes you may be terribly hurt." "Is it major or minor?" "To me, it's minor." "To you, I think it's going to be extremely major." "Tell me, Marvin." "It couldn't be that bad as long as you're not trying to cover up something." "I'd like to show you something but I'm going to ask you to do something for me first." "Say nothing for 10 seconds." "Whatever comes to mind please, for the sake of both of us, say nothing for 10 seconds." "I'm praying, Marvin." "I'm praying that the maid came in to clean and got dizzy from overwork, and fainted in your bed?" "It's not the maid." "Then I'm very anxious to hear who it is, Marvin." "I can't wait to hear what you have to say next." "I'm waiting, Marvin." "I'm waiting, too." "You know what my guess is?" "My guess is that that's a woman in your bed." "That's my guess, too, Millie." "What woman, you can tell me in court." "I'm leaving now, Marvin." "Before I go, I want to ask you one silly question." "Why doesn't she move?" "I can explain that." "Don't tell me you've been carrying on with a helpless paralytic." "I won't buy it, Marvin." "She drank a whole bottle of tequila by herself." "Set and match point coming up." "Watch it." "Like I watched the gauge?" "It's mine." "Look out." "Lob it!" "I got it." "Watch it." "It's broken." "Oh, God, it's broken." "I can feel it." "It's not broken, it's sprained." "You're a nose and throat man, how do you know?" "We were dead drunk, the both of us." "You think I'd do something like that stone sober?" "Let me tell you something else." "Being cruel to the children is Number 2." "That's Number 1." "To you, Millie." "I can understand it being important to you." "To me, it was meaningless." "That's a shame." "I always get upset when you don't have a good time." "Good." "Get it out." "The quicker you get it out, the quicker you'll be rid of it." "God." "What do I do now?" "Do you expect me to go to the barmitzvah and say congratulations to the man who paid that woman to sleep with you?" "He'll probably wink at you." "He doesn't know you know." "I see." "Then the joke's on him." "Only you and I know that I know." "You're right." "You don't deserve that treatment." "Forget the barmitzvah." "I'll go back with you on the next plane." "No." "I will not give you or your family that satisfaction." "I am going to behave with more dignity than you ever dreamed." "I'm going to that barmitzvah with my head held high." "I am not going to divorce you." "I am going to forgive you." "I am going to forget this ever happened." "I'm going to figure out why it happened and I'm never going to bring it up again as long as I live." "Now, I'm going in there and I'm going to spend every last cent you have." "Here we go, dear." "Here we go." "To the right, to the right." "I feel like a piano, a dead piano." "All right." "Please get a wet towel out of our bathroom." "You mean this is all your room?" "I slept standing up and you're living like royalty?" "The Queen is about to abdicate her leg if we don't get her into bed." "I want you to see what they got." "What happened, damn it?" "I broke a bottle of perfume." "I'm sorry, Bett." "Don't worry about it." "It was only $90 an ounce." "Of all the stupid ass things to do." "Hold on." "She did not do it on purpose." "You mean it was a planned accident?" "We don't have to take this crap." "We can go up to our small cigar box and watch our broken television." "I cut my finger." "It's bleeding." "Damn, that perfume burns." "Only good perfume." "Cheap perfume you can't feel at all." "Bett, there's broken glass on the bathroom floor." "Be careful where you step." "I'm glad you told me." "I was going to walk in there a lot today." "Do you have any Band-Aids?" "We'll take care of one casualty at a time." "Grab her!" "Oh, my leg!" "Will you please help us?" "Now you want my help?" "Watch the step." "Help me!" "Help me, somebody." "What's the matter?" "My head." "I banged my head on the medicine cabinet." "I'm going to pass out." "No, you're not." "Yes, I am." "You're not going to pass..." "I'm passing out." "My God, would you get me a wet towel?" "She passed out." "Sweetheart, you're going to be all right." "Don't lie to the woman." "She knows she's not okay." "You're bleeding on the man's rug." "He'll charge me for it." "Listen to me." "How many fingers?" "I just stepped on a broken piece of glass and I hope you're satisfied." "That feel better?" "No, that's the wrong ankle." "Would you help me lift her to the bed, please?" "This only happens on vacations." "Grab her feet." "God, it's like Guadalcanal in here." "Easy." "Careful." "Wait a minute." "This bed is bigger than our whole room." "Let's settle up." "What?" "How much do I owe you?" "Because after I pay you, I am not going to see you." "All right." "All right." "Let's not get our noses bent out of shape." "It's all over, let's forget it." "Forget it?" "Forget it." "Forget the year I planned for this vacation?" "What do I got to show for it?" "An overdose of Japanese food mildew in my feet from sleeping in a wet bed a wife with a concussion, two lawsuits for two car crashes that I didn't drive two times and you want me to forget it?" "I'm writing a blank check." "You fill it out and shove it up your" "No!" "You don't use that language in front of the ladies." "The ladies are unconscious." "They can't hear us." "Now, I owe you for a bottle of perfume, blood stains on the rug an acetylene torch that burned us out of the car." "I've had it." "I want to go home." "I need a vacation." "Come on, buddy." "Look, let's shake." "Let's shake and let's forget it ever happened." "Shake hands with the man, please." "Watch what you're doing, idiot!" "Idiot?" "That's the hump that broke the camel's back." "Either you apologize to my dear, sweet wife for calling her an idiot, or I'll take this Japanese aluminum racket..." "...and I'll backhand you to death." "Don't threaten me." "Never threaten a man who's spent two years working the drunk ward." "Now back off!" "Apologize to my wife by the time I count to five or I'm going to start serving with your big head." "One...." "Don't fight." "Please don't fight." "Somebody will get hurt and fall on me." "Three." "Don't hit him with the racket, I just had it restrung." "Four, and you know what comes after four, don't you?" "I'll mess you up so bad even I won't be able to fix you up." "Apologize before I get to five." "Say it." "Go ahead, say it." "Say it." "Are you afraid to say it?" "Say five!" "Five!" "I'II say it for you." "Five!" "Say it!" "It don't count unless I say it." "Five!" "Thank God their patients aren't hereto see this." "Millie!" "No word from Sleeping Beauty?" "Thanks, thank you very much." "Forget about her." "We'll dress, go to the barmitzvah and tonight, move to another hotel." "May we do that, Millie?" "I wonder if Harry spent as much on her as we did on his lousy kid." "Millie, I'll never do anything again to hurt you as long as I live." "You're the most special woman in the world to me, Millie, and I love you." "I love you, Millie." "Please, not in front of the hooker." "God, get him off of me!" "Don't bite, you'll ruin your caps." "Get him off of me!" "I've had enough." "Don't you ever bite me again." "Do you know you could give me a blood disease!" "Now, tell me we're friends." "Say that you enjoyed the vacation." "Friends!" "Say it!" "You're going to tell me..." "...that you enjoyed" "Friends!" "Now!" "Friends!" "You tell me that you enjoyed being with us on our vacation." "Best time I've ever had." "You better believe it." "Call your wife off." "Get off, get off!" "Did you love the Japanese restaurant?" "Say it!" "And you say that you're going to love going with us next year on a vacation again, all right?" "You can crack my ribs, but I won't say it." "Do you like it?" "Mildred, you look beautiful." "Yeah?" "Beautiful." "Thank you." "Come on, darling, there's a cab waiting." "20 minutes." "What happened to our roommate?" "She's gone." "She lost her shoes, so I gave her yours." "Anything to get rid of her." "What are you doing?" "You're giving away my cab." "I said to hold it." "What's wrong with you?" "I'm sorry, I couldn't hold it any longer." "For crying out..." "Would you get me another one, please?" "It'll take about 20 minutes." "I knew it." "We're going to be late." "Hi." "Can I give you a lift?" "No, thank you." "We'll wait." "That's very nice of you." "Get in the cab, Marvin." "Are you serious?" "I didn't come 3,000 miles to be late." "Get in the cab, Marvin." "Do you know who that is?" "Yes, it's our hooker." "You think I'd ride with strangers?" "This is very nice of you." "Thank you." "My pleasure." "Nice shoes." "Thank you." "Live out here?" "Sometimes." "Passengers holding a blue boarding pass may enter the aircraft through gate 37-A." "Thank you." "Mother!" "I was afraid I wouldn't make it." "What are you doing here?" "Where's your father?" "My God, was it the lima beans and broccoli?" "No, no." "He's waiting outside in the car." "I just wanted to say good-bye and thank you." "And I love you." "You don't know what this means to me." "I've been depressed." "I just found out I've already seen the movie." "I'm going to miss you, Mother, but I know I'm doing the" "No, Jenny, don't say it." "It's all right." "I'm doing the right thing." "There, I said it anyways." "This is for you." "What is that?" "It's a map of the movie stars' homes." "Just in case you ever make it out this way again." "I'm sorry about dropping that suitcase." "That's all right." "It wasn't the foot with the glass in it." "I must be seated with my good eye near the window." "I don't want to miss the Grand Canyon again." "How can I lecture and operate on Monday?" "I can't speak and I can't look down." "Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen." "Welcome aboard Flight 211 to New York and London." "Our flying time this afternoon will be four hours and fifty minutes and we'll be cruising at an altitude of 37,000 feet." "We'll now be serving you cocktails and beverages and then serving lunch, followed by our film, No Left Turns starring James Coburn and Diana Barrie." "Christ, Sidney, let's get off." "Tell them to let us off this bloody plane!" "I wonder if they sell it in bottles." "He also has the second-best mind I've met in this country since Adlai Stevenson." "I don't want to see her growing up out here..."