" You want some more sprinkles?" " Yes, please." "Okay, I'm not really sure if I'm the best dad or the worst dad in the world for getting you up in the middle of the night to eat ice cream with me." "The best." "Oh, what do you know?" "You're all hopped up on sugar." "With all the depraved crazies I have to put up with at the bar," "I love comin' home to someone so pure and innocent." "And this is where the magic happens." "Um... before any magic happens, let's remember the rule: no magic in front of the baby." "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah." "Hey." "Hey, man." "Ha-ha." "This is..." "Kiki." "Kiki?" "Yes." "Kiki." "Kiki." "It's Kiki." "That's my roommate and his kid." "You don't really need to talk to them, just... just make your way down to the end of the hall." "I'll grab us some wine." "Pay no attention to the self-help books and the vision board," "I..." "I'm holdin' those for a friend." "Please take this as a huge compliment," " but she is way out of your league." " I know, right?" "So I just decided to grab, like a quick drink down at the Belvedere, you know, and there she was, just sittin' there alone, at the end of the bar, man." " The Belvedere?" " Yeah." "You met her sitting alone at the Belvedere?" "Yep." "And now she's here." "In my house, in my bed." "Why am I still talkin' to you?" "Okay." "Eat up, Daddy will be right back." "Danny." "Danny." "Danny." "Danny." "Dude, what is wrong with you?" "Remember when you told me to wake you up no matter what time it was, if A, there was an apocalypse," "B, if beer were suddenly free around the world, or C, if I ever met a real live hooker?" "Well, one of those things just happened." "B. Wait, no, A." "It's C. A hooker." "Tucker just brought home a hooker." "What?" "No way." "He met her at the Belvedere, AKA, hooker hangout." " Oh." "Oh my God, I wanna see her." " What?" "No." "But if you hold me out over the fire escape," "I think I could see her." "So, where's the new girlfriend?" "Didn't spend the night, huh?" "No, she had to be up early." "So you say she stayed..." "I don't know... about an hour." "Yeah... something like that." "Okay, seriously, please, please tell me what's makin' you two smile like weird home-schooled kids?" "Dude, it's okay, we've all paid for it before." " Really?" "You've paid for it?" " No, I've never paid for it." "That's what you say to a friend, so he doesn't feel bad when he pays for it." "Um, hi." "Uh, I'm sorry." "You guys think Kiki's a prostitute?" "Pretty much." "I mean, look where you met her, look how you met her, and if that doesn't convince you, look at her." "Oh, and don't forget her name..." "Kiki." "Oh, I see what's goin' on here, you're just jealous." " Me?" "How am I jealous?" " Yeah, you're jealous because I found a smart, attractive girl who likes me." "Tucker, pretending to like you is her job." " I didn't pay for it." " I hear the first time's usually free." "That's drugs." "What... ?" "And besides, man, at least I'm not the one chasing' around some fantasy chick he's never even met because he can't have a relationship with a real girl." "I might not have a girlfriend, but at least I have a job." "Oh, you did not just go there." "Oh, I went there." "I'm livin' there." "I'm gonna build a house and raise a family there." "You know what?" "Hey, Tuck." " Ben." " I know." " You know what you gotta do?" " Yeah, prove that girl really is a prostitute." " Adios." "Sayonara." " Arrivederci." "And, uh, buh-bye." "Last stop on our goodbye tour before we head off on our lust-filled trip around the world." "I learned how to scream "Oh, God" in five languages." "Grandma." "Oh..." "Emma." "Mmm." "Oh, Grandma's gonna miss you so much." "It's not gonna be the same without you, Mom." "Oh, honey." "Oh, this... this is the memory I will take with me." "Let's be honest, I could use a break." "Right there with ya." "Well, Bon-Bon, we better get goin'." "Our flight leaves in two hours" " and we still need to get our shots." " Oh, you're getting vaccinated?" "No, we're gettin' wasted." "Boink." " This vacation starts now." " Bye." "Hi, Riles." "Bye, Riles." "Bye, Mrs. Wheeler." "I'm really gonna mi..." "I'm really gonna mi..." "Oh, damn it, I could do it this morning." "Oh, my God." "Okay, you know, it's medicinal." "I have a license, yeah." "I'm holding it for a friend, his name is Ben Wheeler, he lives right there." "We aren't here for you, ma'am." "Brad Walker, you're under arrest." "What?" "No, no." "There must be some kind of a mistake." "What are you doing?" "I mean, what are the charges?" "Are you sure you're not here for her?" " I am." "Real estate fraud." " That could still be her." " Honey, what are they talking about?" " Listen to me, Bonnie, everything is gonna be okay." "There is a perfectly logical explanation, which I am currently working on." "Just stay calm, and find me a great lawyer." "No." "No, no, no, definitely not." "I'm..." "I'm busy." "I'm pregnant." "Conflict of interest, not my specialty." "Please stop me when you hear one of those you like." "Listen, if you don't help Brad," "I will make every day of your life a living hell." "Yeah, that's right, nothing's gonna change." " Race you to the courthouse." " Okay." "Danny." "It's her." "Tucker's hooker is here." "She's sitting at the bar." " Really?" "Oh, my God, I want to see her." " No, no, no, no. no." "You're not just gonna see her," " you're gonna pick her up." " Okay." "And where should I put her?" "You're gonna proposition her, Danny." "Bring her home, and I'll make sure Tucker is there." "We gotta prove to him that she's a hooker." "What if she doesn't agree?" "I don't feel very attractive today." "Dude, she's a hooker." "It's literally her job to agree." " Hey." " Hey." "Thanks for meeting' me here." "You ready to go?" " Yeah." "Let's go." " You look great." "Okay." "So she's the hot one sitting in the middle of the bar." "I'll find Tucker and meet you at home." "Boy, am I lonely." "If only I could have sex with someone." "This can't be happening." "I don't know how much longer I can stand to see you rotting away like this." "Bonnie, it's only been two hours." "But I'm scared." "Three prison gangs want me and I don't wanna hurt anyone's feelings." "Listen." "All right, don't worry." "Riley is gonna get you out of here." "In the meantime, let me take you to cellblock double-D." "Oh, my God." "Mrs. Wheeler," " put those away." " No." "This is how I grieve." "Okay." "Hi." "All right." "I looked through the charges, and I think I have a clear strategy for getting you out." "So your guilt or innocence doesn't matter." " In fact, it's actually better if I don't know..." " I'm guilty." "Is the kind of statement that I don't need to know." "I did it all." "There is a storage locker in Brooklyn with all the evidence they need against me." "And I did not hear that." " I said I'm guilty." " Brad, stop." "I can't hear any of this." "There's something wrong with my phone." "Would someone please tell my lawyer that I'm guilty?" "Wait." "I've actually been here before." "I know." "That's kind of the point." "Could you just wait here for one second?" "Hey." "I got the hooker." "Where's Tucker?" "I don't know." "He hasn't answered any of my texts." "Normally, at this time of day, he's sitting on the couch, wondering where his life went wrong." " Ben?" " Rachel?" "Rachel." "Hey." "So great to see you." "Sorry I never called you back, I, uh... broke my hand." "What are you doin' here?" " I thought your name was Kiki." " Nope." "Rachel." "Well done, Danny, you brought home the wrong girl." " You're not a hooker?" " No, I'm not a hooker." "Then why'd you come back with me when I asked you if you wanted to have sex?" "I thought I was hooking up with a New York Ranger." "I thought I was hooking up with a New York Ranger." "Riley." "Uh, it's not what it looks like." "See, I thought Rachel was Tucker's hooker, so I tried to make her my hooker." "It's just your classic case of mistaken hooker identity." "Ah, relax." "The fact that Ben is here automatically clears everybody." "So, Rachel, how's your cat?" " She died." " Bummer." " What's goin' on?" " Okay, well, big picture:" "Brad's been arrested and my life may be over." "And small picture:" "Danny hired this hooker to prove that you were dating one." "Yeah." "I think that's everything, right?" "Yeah." " I'm not a hooker." " Okay, whatever you say, sweetie." "Ben, can I talk to you?" "I'd rather not, you seem pretty pissed." "Did he pick you up at the Belvedere?" "Tell Jimmy I said hi." " I'm tellin' you, I'm right." " Dude, you are being ridiculous." "Kiki is not a hooker, man." "You wanna know how I know?" "I'm not paying her." "That doesn't mean other people aren't." "Come on, man, what do you even know about her?" " What does she do for a living?" " No idea." " Are you seeing her again tonight?" " Nope, she's working." " At what?" " No idea." " Exactly." " Okay..." "This does not prove that she's a hooker, man." "It..." "It just proves that I'm a bad listener." "And what does any girl you've ever dated do?" "Riley's like a judge or something?" "Exactly." "And we're done with this conversation." " Tucker..." " I said done." " Tucker still mad?" " Yup." "Should we apologize?" "Nope." "We're goin' to the Belvedere." "Why?" "Because friendship isn't just about what you say to your friends." "It's what you do behind their backs." "Tucker's lucky to have us." "Mrs. Wheeler." "Mrs. Wheeler, great news." " What?" " All the evidence against Brad is circumstantial." "After a preliminary conversation with the DA's office, it looks like I may be able to cut him a deal." "Quit the legal mumbo jumbo, you showoff, and give it to me straight." "I think I'll be able to get Brad out." "Okay, I mean, except for an indecent exposure case that you are a part of, his record is squeaky clean." "I mean, he'll just have to pay a fine," " he won't even lose his real estate license." " Oh, my God." "You did it." "I mean, you." "You actually did it." "God, I..." "I knew I was smart to pick you, huh?" "Yep, it's all you." "It always is." "Oh, I'm gonna convince Brad to take the deal." "Phew!" "Always waiting' on the men, am I right?" " Well, it is a men's prison." " Ah." " What's yours in for?" " Real estate fraud." "Guilty as sin." "But when you've got an ass like that, you're bound to make a few mistakes." "Think you'll be able to get him off?" "Oh, for the fraud and stuff, right." "Yeah, we're already working on it." "Okay." "Brad's on board." "Now I just need to talk to the assistant DA" " and get this thing finalized." " No need." "I'm the assistant DA." "And the deal's off the table." "Better luck next time, Counselor." "I'm sorry..." "Way to go, Riley." "I knew I shouldn't have picked you." "But no, you're family, it would've been awkward." "God, thanks a lot." "Danny?" " Riley?" " What are you doing here?" "Um..." "I... uh, we..." " Ben?" " We were just payin' some parking tickets." "You don't have a car." "We just signed up for a ride-along." " Danny's afraid of sirens." " You said you wouldn't tell anyone." "Okay, fine, the truth is, we came to see Brad, and support you and Mom." "Well, that's an obvious lie, but whatever you're doing, I'm sure it's Ben's fault." "Come on, Mrs. Wheeler, we need a whole new plan." "Soliciting a prostitute?" "Well done, boys, you owe me bail money." "We were just trying to get information, not sex." "Though I feel like you were maybe considering it." "Is it a crime to ask what's on the menu?" "Well, we're in jail, so I'm gonna go with yes." "How were we supposed to know she was an undercover cop?" "Oh, my God." "You are never gonna give up on this, are you?" "No." "Never." "Not happening." "Zero chance in hell." "You know why?" " Because I'm right." " Okay, you know what?" "I'll play." "I'm gonna prove to you both that Kiki is not a prostitute." "I don't suppose that means you want me to have sex with her and see if she charges me?" "Just throwin' it out there." " What's wrong with you?" " I can't do it again." "The first time I got the wrong girl, the second time we got arrested." "Let's face it, I'm no good at pickin' up prostitutes." "Look, you will be fine." "Okay?" "As soon as you sit down, I'll text her that I have to cancel, at which point she will undoubtedly get up" " and walk out of the bar." " Yeah, with Danny and his cold hard cash." "Now you get out there and pick up a pro, bro." "Okay, you've burnt down a house, a forest, and a summer camp." "What's one lousy little storage locker?" "Mrs. Wheeler, what are you doing?" "No evidence, no conviction." " Oh..." " You can't do that." "It's arson." "It will ruin your life." "Also, can't you ever just shred something?" "Why is burning always your go-to?" " But I love him." " I know." "Please don't hate me for saying this, but... are you sure he's worth it?" "It shouldn't be this hard." "Neither is choosing between Ben and Danny, but Lord knows that decision baffled you for 20 years." "I'm just saying maybe it's time you do what you do best, only think about yourself." "Do you really think I should just walk away?" "Mrs. Wheeler, I know you thought you would never find love again after everything that happened with your ex-husband, but you are a vibrant woman with a lot of mi..." "life left in you." "You shouldn't have to rot away alongside Brad." "Well, it seems pretty dicey to trust somebody who'd make the choice to cut their hair like that, but... you might be right." "Maybe there just is no happy ending for us." "But it's not too late for you to have your happy ending." "Do you smell smoke?" "No." "Oh, God." "Okay, all right, run." "Run, this is like Camp Winnataki all over again." "Go!" "Go, go, go, go, go." "Amateur." "You're welcome!" "Hello, there." "I'm a businessman from out of town." " How are you?" " Uninterested." "Really?" "Because, working in business as I do can get very lonely." "The only thing keeping me company right now is my pocket full of cold hard cash." "Well, maybe we can be lonely together." "Seems my night just opened up." "Why's she still talking to him, what is he saying?" "Well, if he's been paying attention, hopefully it's about having sex for money." "So, you think you wanna have some fun?" "And... you know what I mean by "fun?"" "I know." "So are you staying nearby?" "Just so we're clear, you only wanna have sex with me because I'm going to pay you." "Right?" "Yes." "It's 500 for the hour." "Oh, my God." "You are a hooker." "Guys." "She is a real hooker!" "I can't believe it." "I mean, honestly, I didn't think so, but Ben was so sure of it and Tucker refused to believe it, wow." "A real life hooker, it is so nice to meet you." "Tucker, what the hell is going on?" "Kiki, I am so sorry." "Okay, these idiots are convinced that you're a hooker, and I'm just tryin' to prove to them that you could never do that." "Why not?" "It's a business, just like everything else." " Wait, so you are a hooker?" " Yes." "But I wasn't when I was with you." "I really liked you." "I was hoping that we could have a real relationship." "Something I don't get very often." "Bye, Tucker." "Yes." "What did I say?" "I told you guys, but no, nobody believed me." "I was being ridiculous." "Well, who's ridiculous now?" "Congratulations, Ben." "You know, just tell me one thing." "Were you doing this because you wanted to be a good friend, or... just because you wanted to be right?" "Oh, I get it, you're just tryin' to make me feel bad." "Oh, crap, now I feel bad." "I burned most of the evidence." "Not my usual breakup gift, but the conjugal visit trailer was booked up for weeks." " You sure you're ready to do this?" " I am." "Game face, Bonnie." "Stay strong." "Stay strong." " Brad, we need to talk." " Bonnie, they're gonna keep me" " in this cage for years." " Yeah, that's what I wanted to talk to you about." "The pain and suffering is going to be immeasurable." "Well, at least for one of us." "You have to let me go." "I can't let my choices affect the woman that I love more than I ever loved myself." "Wait." "What?" "You love me more than you love yourself?" "But you love you so much." "I know." "And that is why I am setting you free, Bon-Bon." "Well, there you go, you wanna share a cab?" "No." "No, I'm not going anywhere." "You are my husband, and I love you, and I will wait for you." "Even if it takes forever." "Because I love you more than you love you, too." "That's why you're gonna be the pride of the family... the bar is low." "Kiki, hey." "Thank you so much for coming." "You know, I feel terrible about how everything went down between you and Tucker, and I have a proposition for you." "Not for all the money in the world." "No." "No, no, no, no, no, not me." "Although, that sort of hurts my feelings." "Listen." "I didn't realize how much Tucker really liked you." "So, do you think you would consider calling him and saying you were just pretending to be a hooker because you knew what we were up to, and were just messin' with us?" "I don't think I'm comfortable lying." "Oh, but you're comfortable with..." "Never mind, never mind." "I'll admit to him I was wrong, and then maybe you guys could go out a couple more times, and just break up normally?" "I mean, he never makes it past three dates anyway." "I guess I would be up for that." "Really?" "That's awesome." "Wow." "Look at that." "A hooker with a heart of gold." "Those don't exist." "It's gonna cost you $500." "Huh." "Cash... best friend." "Cash... best friend." "Ca..." "This might take a while." "Well, here we are again," "Bad Dad waking you up in the middle of the night for a snack." "Welcome." "Really?" "Okay, this is Natalia, she's a librarian, she lives in Brooklyn, originally from Yonkers, she has a sister named Jody and a cat named Sprinkle." " Well, what about..." " I don't wanna hear it." "Well, what about Kiki, didn't she call you?" "No, why would she do that?" "I don't even wanna talk to her." "I kind of got my hands full, man." "Let this be a life lesson, Emma." "Always get a receipt."