"Hey, dad, whatcha doing?" "Hanging out, watching the world go by." "Peach?" "I'd love a peach." "A man and his boy, enjoying nature's bounty." "Peaceful moment." "I'm gonna file this in my memory bank under "peaceful moment."" "[vehicle races by]" "Hey, slow down." "Come back, you..." "Crazy maniac!" "You jerk!" "[tires squealing] Coming back." "Time to go." "You know what?" "Just... no, stay in your car, tough guy." "My dad and I aren't afraid of you." "Right?" "Really?" "You want a piece of me?" "Never mind." "Dad?" "Dad?" "Dad, door's locked, dad." "[upbeat music] Retired at 35 1x07 Gate Gate - aired Mar 02, 2011" "You want to know one up-side of Elaine leaving me?" "Greasy ribs for lunch." "[laughs]" "So how is the separation going, huh?" "I know it can be a little tough." " Do you miss her?" " Yeah." " Do you still love her?" " Yeah." " Are you happy she's gone?" " Yeah." "Great." "And now, when she nags me, it's like water off a duck's back." "[knock on door]" "Hello, separated husband." "Greetings, separated wife." " Richard." " Hi, Elaine." "Alan made ribs." "Ribs for lunch, Alan?" "Really?" "This is how we're eating now?" "A disgusting pile of cholesterol?" "Quack, quack." "Alan, I have a new painting I'm working on, and I left my favorite brush here." "Have you seen it?" " Oops." " [Gasps]" "Rib sauce on my paintbrush?" "For what it's worth, this might be its finest work." "So I'm gonna talk to one of the board members about getting a gate put up and slow down some of the speeding traffic." " Pretty exciting, huh?" " Compared to what, exactly?" "Uh, excuse me, I'm sorry." "Peter Dixon?" "Thank you." "Excuse me, sir." "Are you Peter Dixon?" "Maybe." "Okay, well, I was told to speak with you because I have an issue." "I also have an issue." "Some kid is bugging me while I'm trying to play cards." "Okay, well, my issue, or complaint, really, is that cars, every day and night, are just speeding through the property, just right by my dad's door." "Well, he should have spent extra money to get a condo away from the road." "I live over near the very quiet lake." "Is your dad cheap?" "Well, no, no, no." "Maybe you know him." "Alan Robbins?" "Oh, sure." "The little soap opera over in 8-D." "Elaine left him." "You know, according to a study I once read, there's only one thing worse than your wife leaving you." " What's that?" " Your wife coming back." "Gotcha." "There was no study." "That's all me." "Okay, um, well, the thing is, though," "I think I have a solution to the speeding issue." "I think if we had a gate, it would really help things out." "I mean, it's like a speedway over there." "Even the old people are driving fast." "Flooring it down dark streets is on a lot of people's bucket list." "Right, but if we put up a gate, I mean," "I think it would really make people slow down." "You know what else had a gate?" "East Germany." "Besides, I'm about to retire from the board." "I'm moving to Utah." "Well, will there be an election for the board seat?" "Yes, but you can't run." "You've got to live here and not be annoying." "Well, I do live here." " I live with my dad, actually." " Really?" "Yeah, he quit his job to find himself." "Now he "finds himself" living with his dad." "Must be nice." "I just retired three years ago, like an american." "Now, I'm trying to enjoy my retirement, and it's a finite resource, so good-bye." "No, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry." "I bring up an important safety issue, and you dismiss it out of hand?" "Well, that is just being an irresponsible board member." "You know something?" "You're totally right." "I'm gonna go home and talk to my parents about why I should be more responsible." "Oh, that's right." "I don't live with mine." "Listen, um, I talked to Peter Dixon about getting a gate put in at the entrance." "Peter Dixon?" "That guy's a knob." "Total tool." "Yeah, I know." "Well, he's quitting the board, and I can't run for the seat 'cause I'm too young." "But you can run, dad." "Dad, you should totally run." "Let me think about that." "No." "Come on, dad." "Don't you remember what you used to tell me all the time when I was a little kid?" "More scotch, less soda?" "No." "Well, yes, but..." "But the thing that you used to say that was important is always take action." "I've changed my slogan to "always take cialis."" "Dad, you're a really popular guy around here." "You could totally get elected." "How would the gate work?" "Well, you know, we'd have a code." "No, I'm not remembering any code." "I already call everyone around here "big guy,"" "and the women are, "there she is."" "Okay, so, then we'll have a key." "No, wait, wait, wait, wait." "How about a retinal scan?" "Yeah." "We'll have a key." "No, no, a retinal scan is brilliant, because what do you take with you wherever you go?" "Your eyeballs." "Yeah, guys, we're overcomplicating this a little bit, okay?" "We're gonna have a gate, code or key, and then you just put the logo of the place right at the top of the gate... [feigns snoring]" "Dad, these cars are a menace." "People's lives are at stake." "I really wish you would take this seriously." "[doorbell rings]" "Mom, thank God." "You know, I'm trying to get dad to run for the board and put up a gate at the entrance, and he just fake snored me." "Oh." "A gate's a wonderful idea." "And there are plenty of other things around here that need fixing." "The parking spaces are too narrow." "The plants by the swimming pool are all dead." "And I just know there's still asbestos in the women's locker room, which is why Roz Schaeffer is also dead." "You know what?" "You should run for the board, mom." " I'd love to." " What?" "I'd make a far better board member than you." "Well, no, okay, okay." "No, no, it's not a... it's not a contest between you two." " It is now." "I'm in." " Good." "I think I'm gonna go and paint myself a campaign poster." "If you get a chance, could you bring back my rib brush?" "[groans]" "Okay, dad, you know what?" "Maybe we should just let mom take this one." "No way." "You got me into this." " You're gonna help me." " Oh, come on, no." "Really?" "Oh, you know what?" "Gate, shmate." "Who cares about a stupid gate?" "It's not about a stupid gate, David." "This is about the fact that your mother left me." " Humiliated you." " Humiliated me." "In front of all your friends." "In front of everyone." "Mark my words, I'm not gonna lose to that woman." " Harlot." " That's enough, Richard." "All I wanted was to get a stupid gate put in, and I've managed to turn it into a public referendum on my parents' marriage." "How dumb is that?" "That is referen-dumb." "David, I heard about your parents running for the board, and you're trying to get a gate installed?" "That's kind of exciting." "You know what's even more exciting?" "Anything but a gate." "Your idea of exciting is a red bull." "You know me." "Anyway, if you'd like me to write a campaign jingle for either one of them, you know, just let me know." "Oh, that's right." "I forgot." "You write songs." "Yeah, yeah." "I would love that." "Just... just nothing too... you know." "Urban?" "No." "I was going to say cutesy." "Cutesy." "Got it." "[laughs]" "Oh, this'll be fun, helping you with the election." "Yes, yes, yes, love your help with the erection." "Election, election." "The election is what I said." "[laughs] You're crazy." "Oh!" "I already have an idea for a song." "Really?" "Already?" "Yeah, I work fast." "Here we go." "[to the tune of Amazing Grace] ♪ Amazing gate ♪" "♪ how low it closes ♪" "Do you hate it?" "No, no." "You're beautiful." "It's beautiful." "It is a great song." "Thank you." "Okay." "Oh, I'll keep working on it." "Smooth, dude." "Oh, here comes Jessica's mom, who you slept with." "Now, this is exciting." " Hi, David." " Hi, Susan." "Shoo." "David, I just wanted to let you know, your mother asked me to help her on her campaign, and I said yes, because I like her." "I like your whole family." "Really?" "You're helping my mom?" "And I don't like to lose, so don't take it personally when we kick your collective butts from here to Cocoa Beach." "I like your hair today." "No, wait." "Susan, Susan." "Now, we agree to take the high road, right?" "Of course." "I wouldn't have it any other way." "Alan Robbins has a problem with the truth." "His entire marriage, he promised to clean out the attic." "He never did." "We never had an attic." "1988, Alan Robbins promised his wife a trip she would never forget." "He took her to Buffalo in February." "Buffalo is beautiful in February." "1994, said he was at a company outing." "Went to Las Vegas instead." "Okay, now, that... that one's true." "Alan Robbins:" "lies, lies, lies." "I'm Elaine Robbins, and I approved this message." "What the hell was that?" "The gloves are coming off, baby." "Okay." "Okay, let's not overreact." "I'm sure this was all Susan's doing." "Well, your mother approved that message." "Dad, however you want to respond, you gotta remember, she's my mom, she's your wife." "Please, David, I'm a classy guy." "If you elect Elaine Robbins, this is what you're going to hear." "♪ ♪" "♪ Stop that, and clean up your mess, ♪" "♪ clean up your mess, clean up your mess!" "♪" "♪ Stop that, and clean up your mess ♪" "♪ clean up your mess, clean up your mess!" "♪" "And this." "♪ ♪" "♪ I said it once, ♪" "♪ don't make me say it again ♪" "♪ ...me say it again, me say it again... ♪" "Elaine Robbins, nag, nag, nag." "I'm Alan Robbins, and I approved this message." "Do I come off that way?" "No." "How did my dad even make the video?" "The guy barely knows how to use the toaster." "I helped him." " What?" " Yeah." "You think I want to clean pools for the rest of my life?" "Who needs that kind of pressure?" "Why would you help him do that?" "Relax." "It was one little thing." "They've probably forgotten it by now." "These are my parents, man." "They never forget anything, which is weird for people their age." "You only have yourself to blame." "You come down here with your New York go-getter attitude and start crowing about a gate." "Hey, the gate's still a good idea, but you're right, you're right, I caused the whole thing." "Sometimes when a couple has trouble, it really is the kid's fault." "Hey, guys." "Brandon, I really liked the video you made." "Thank you, Jessica." "Hey, here's my card, if you ever need any design work done for your band, or if you want to buy me dinner..." "Thanks." "This is my only card." "Jessica, listen, could you maybe talk to your mom and see if you can get her to end all this craziness before the debate tonight?" "Oh, she won't listen to me." "She hates to lose." "But don't worry." "I'm sure everything will be fine." "You know what?" "You're probably right." "Once they cool off, they'll come to their senses." "I'm going to crush your mother like a recycled can." "Okay, you're thinking green." "Good." "I like that." "Work that in." "Mom, I, uh, I just want to wish you luck." "Nice work on the song, David." "Thanks." "That was all me." "It's kind of catchy." "♪ Stop that, and clean up your mess, ♪" "♪ clean up your mess, clean up your mess!" "♪" "♪ Stop that, and clean up your mess, ♪" "♪ clean... ♪" "Sorry." "Okay, mom, um, so, listen." "A lot of things were said during the campaign." "Save your breath, David." "I heard everything you just said to your father." "Well, so you're gonna stick to the facts, right?" "Let's just say, tonight, someone will win and someone will lose." "Well said, mom, in a very scary way." "Uh, so mom wants to wish you luck." "No, she doesn't." "I heard everything you just said." "What am I, deaf?" "Wow, full house." "Good thing I changed out of my stretchy pants." "Wow, look, everybody." "We have a celebrity tonight." "Pinocchio!" "[drawn-out whistle] [laughs]" "Welcome to the board elections." "Now, here's how it works." "First, each candidate will give a speech, then there'll be a vote, and then we'll stop for refreshments." "The soup is clam chowder." "Okay, let's move on." "First candidate up..." "Elaine Robbins." "Nag, nag, nag." "Elaine, come on up." "[applause]" "Thank you, Peter." "Uh, hi, hello." "I'm..." "I'm Elaine." "Uh, let's get right to it." "The gate." "I did some research, and I compared existing bids with the budget." "[yawns]" "And installing a new gate would greatly deplete available funds." "This from a woman who hasn't looked at her Visa bill since 1984." "However, having done further research on my own," "I discovered a company that will offer 30% off and two years free service, which means we can have our gate after all." "[applause]" "Wow." "She really knows her stuff." "Don't worry about it, dad." "You do, too." "It is all written here for you, okay?" "Just stick to the facts." "Elaine, thanks so much for a comprehensive presentation." "Um, by the way, I just received a note." "There was a issue with the clams." "That's never good." "All right, our next speaker up is Alan "Pinocchio" Robbins." "[drawn-out whistle] [applause] Yay." "Uh, tonight, uh, we are here to talk about a gate." "Anyone can read a bunch of facts off a piece of paper, but I'm more than that." ""Alan tosses notes away."" "Oh." "Tonight, we're not electing a piece of paper." "We're electing a person, a person who tells the truth." "Ha!" "Bless you, Elaine." "Anyway, if elected, I will always put your needs first." "Ha!" "You should really have that looked at." "You have never put anyone's needs above yours." "What are you talking about?" "Remember when I nursed you back from that horrible cold?" "Where'd I get that?" "Oh, right." "Buffalo in February." "It's lovely there in February." "You never supported my career." " What career?" " Painting." "That's not a career." "I work very hard at painting." "Any job you can do while holding a glass of Chablis is not work." "It's just like you to discount my talent." "At the rate you spend money, I have to discount something." "Let's just face it, Alan." "Everything is always about you, you, you." "Oh, yeah?" "Well, you were the one that walked out on our marriage, and that's pretty selfish, if you ask me." "I..." "I..." "I only left you because you left me emotionally years ago." "Okay, is anyone else uncomfortable?" "Oh, there are the charming candidates, coming together after the battle to shake hands and wish each other well." "Go ahead and congratulate each other." "Come on!" "There you go." "So, uh, any decision?" "Who won?" "Yes, who won?" "Well, after tallying all the votes, the board decided they don't want either one of you." "I'm staying on." "Oh, come on, kids." "You're both winners." "Um, hey, Peter, has there been any movement on the gate issue?" "No, but we are kicking around a speed bump." "I decided not to move to Utah." "They're never gonna legalize weed." "So... so that's it, just like that?" "No gate?" "Okay, fine, but you know what?" "I'm gonna personally throw a peach at every car that comes down that way." "That was you?" "No." "Hey, come on." "Peter, give us a hint." "Who won?" "Well, seeing as how they gave me a brand-new golf bag to stay on the board, I'd say it's probably me." "Peace out, bitches." "What a knob." "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" "I'll distract Peter." "You steal the ballot box." "Hi, Elaine." "Alan." "May I come in?" "If you must." "Look, I'm sorry things turned so ugly." "Me too." "And I brought you something." "A little peace offering." "New paints, brushes, the works." "That's very thoughtful." "Thank you." "And I want you to know that I do take you seriously, and I do value everything you did in our marriage." "And I'm sorry you made me nag you once in a while." "We good?" "Yeah." "Thank you." "You're welcome." "Wait a second." "You won, didn't you?" "Yep."