"And the tips I get at the casino are fantastic, especially from old guys." "Lake Tahoe's full of old guys, so..." "You should come, Mom, you would be a total trophy wife up here." "Yeah, alcoholic waitress with two kids, some trophy." "Are you dating anybody?" "Not really," "I'm mostly concentrating on work and saving my money." "I was actually thinking if I put enough aside," "I could move to France for a year, learn a new language, maybe study to become a chef." " Sounds like you're doing really well." " So well." "Okay, I got to go." "My roommate and I are gonna go for a jog around the lake before our shifts start, so I'll talk to you next week." " Bye, honey." " Bye." " What do you think?" " Every word a lie." "I know, right?" "A chef?" "Jog?" "It was hard to keep a straight face." "So, what do you think she's really up to?" "No idea, but she didn't ask for money, so I couldn't be prouder." "Hey, it's the whole gang." " Hi, buddy." " Hi." " What's with him?" " Oh, we need to talk." "Oh, no." "Are you breaking up with me?" "What's going on?" "We had an incident." "Let's not overreact." "We caught Roscoe smoking marijuana." "What?" "Oh, no." "Again, let's not overreact." "It's just a couple of hits, he was coughing like a rookie." "While you were in the house?" "No, no, we were on our way to my friend's baby shower when we realized that Baxter forgot the gift." "It was a box set of Curious George books." "Maybe not important, go on." "So, when we walked back into the house," "I looked through the French doors and there he was, puffing away in the Jacuzzi." "Where the hell did he learn to smoke and soak?" "And where did he get the pot?" "He said a friend at school." "He didn't get it from you?" "Of course not." "What do you mean, "Of course not"?" "You smoke all the time." "You're more marijuana than man." "Excuse me, but Baxter no longer smokes marijuana." " Really?" " Yes, really." "Candace stood next to me while I flushed my whole stash down the toilet, longest 45 minutes of my life." "Are you buying any of this?" "It's true." "We're trying to get pregnant." "Smoking's bad for the sperm count and plus there's fallopian tube issues..." "Baxter!" "I didn't say who had the issues." "This doesn't make any sense." "He was always such a happy kid." "Why would he need to get high?" "Really?" "Given how he was raised, you have to ask?" "Are you saying this is my fault?" "Well..." "I'm certainly not a drug addict." "Baxter, you might want to get her out of here before I break that store-bought nose." "Come on, honey." "I had a deviated septum." "Yeah, and you're gonna have it again!" "Chef Violet's looking pretty good right now, isn't she?" "I thought we were five years away from having to deal with this." "Really?" "Five?" "He still eats cereal with pirates on the box." "I know, but it's happening now, so how do you want to handle it?" "I don't." "I want to pretend it's not happening." "All right, then let's sit down and eat." "You're kidding, right?" "Well, you know the kid's probably hungry." "Roscoe, get out here!" "Well?" "What do you have to say for yourself?" "I thought they'd be gone longer." "You believe this kid?" "That was pretty cute." "Sit down." "Let's get this over with." "How much trouble am I in?" "Oh, I think you know." "I don't." "Well, that didn't work." "Roscoe, after everything you've seen me and your grandma go through, why would you do this?" "I'm sorry, it was the first time." "I didn't even like it." "Aw, he thinks we're stupid." "If you're gonna lie to us, you're gonna have to try a little harder." "I'm not lying." "You get that addiction runs in our family." "Along with lying." "What do you want from me?" "I said I'm sorry." "Where'd you even get the pot?" " From a kid at school." " What's his name?" " I don't want to say." " You have to tell us." "Grandma said that I should never be a snitch." "I said never be a snitch, unless the DA offers you immunity." "Mom, I'm never gonna do it again, I promise." "Okay, well, I want you to stay away from this unnamed kid." "I will." "I don't even like him." "Yeah, 'cause everyone hates the kid who gives away pot." "You need better lies." "But I'm telling the truth." "Enough!" "Go to your room." "Well, this is a nightmare." "That it is." "I don't know what to do." "Well, we know grounding him isn't gonna work." "Remember when you grounded me for smoking weed at his age?" "Yeah." "Hard to do when you're living in a car." "You sent me to the backseat to think about what I'd done." "Okay, but at least now we're both in recovery and we have tools to deal with this." "What are those tools, Mom?" "I don't know, sometimes I just say things." "Well, I am proud to announce" "I now have the longest sobriety of anyone in my family, including my 12-year-old son." "There's something for the Christmas letter." "Where'd Roscoe get the pot?" "He says from a kid at school, but I'm still not sure I believe him." "That's where I got my first joint." "Alex Marcucci." "He could roll them with one hand." "What's so special about that?" "He only had one hand." "I just can't believe this is happening." "He's only in seventh grade." "Hmm, that's how old I was." "I stole one of my mother's Valium, washed it down with my mother's vodka and threw up on my mom's poodle." "Did you get in a lot of trouble?" "No, she was so out of it, she thought she did it." "I smoked my first joint when I was 14, but..." "I had already done acid and mushrooms by then, so, you know, weed, whoop-de-do." "Christy, I understand why you're worried, but this doesn't mean Roscoe's going down the same road as the rest of us." "It doesn't mean he's not." "Well, the only thing you can do right now is make it safe for him to talk to you." "Hey, don't put this on me!" "My son knows he can talk to me anytime!" "I've worked my ass off to be supportive and easy to open up to!" "And you all thought I was the crazy one." "You went online, you read all the reviews, but here's something they don't tell you about Korean cars... no one'll ever steal it." "Hey, Baxter." "Got a minute?" "Not really." "Make a minute." "I'll be right back." "Sit inside and enjoy how a nation of short people built a car with surprisingly ample head room." "In here." "So... what's going on?" "What the hell do you think is going on?" "!" "I'm guessing... the pot thing with Roscoe?" "You're guessing?" "Okay, I'm locking it in." "That's my final answer." "Look, I didn't want to do this in front of Candace 'cause, frankly, I don't want to do anything in front of Candace, but you got to level with me." "Christy, it was not my pot." "You do know what "level with me" means, right?" "It means stop lying." "I told you, I stopped smoking 'cause of my low sperm count!" "I've known you for 15 years." "The longest you've ever gone without smoking pot was when we went to Disney World with your parents." "Oh, I got high at Disney World." "How do you not get high at Disney World?" "And now I'm supposed to believe there's no weed in your house?" "Yes, because I told you there isn't." "Look..." "I know this is a hot button for you and it would make your life a lot easier if I was the one that screwed up but, I didn't." "Okay." "I'm sorry." "It's just..." "I'm so sad." "Me, too." "But let's remember Roscoe's a good kid and he made one mistake." "Yeah, well, I was a good kid who made one mistake every day for 24 years." "But you didn't have a mom like you." "Wow." "That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me." "I've said nicer things, you were just too drunk to remember." "So you and Candace are trying to get pregnant?" "Yeah, she's taking hormones, checking her temperature." "We always have to do it in a certain position." "My fault, I asked." "See you later." "You think that's bad, she's having me wear boxers to keep my balls cool." "Sorry, Janice." " Got enough chocolate sauce?" " Yup." " You want more sprinkles?" " Yup." "Do you know where your dad hides his pot?" "Yup." "Damn it." "So it was your dad's joint you were smoking?" "I guess." "Why'd you cover for him?" "I don't know." "He's my dad." "That's sweet." "Stupid but sweet." "Please don't tell Mom." "Hey, who taught you never to be a snitch?" " I'm home." " He got the pot from Baxter!" "Hey!" "Another lesson..." "Never trust anybody." "Hi." "I'm Christy." "I'm an alcoholic." "Hi, Christy." "As you can see, I brought my son tonight." "Don't look at him." "He'll know I'm talking about him." "Normally I'd leave him home to watch television, but..." "I just don't trust him right now." "Hang on." "Oh, look, a Pokémon!" "You're good." "Anyway, he got caught smoking a joint at my ex's house." "12 years old, and he's smoking pot in a Jacuzzi like some kind of itty-bitty rapper." "Don't look at him." "And the worst part is, he stole the weed from his father, who lied to my face about quitting because of his pathetic sperm count." "And yes," "I know I shouldn't be gossiping about that, but I don't care." "I hope he has to keep banging that witch upside down forever." "Anyway," "I think what's really bothering me is" "I'm just so scared that my son's gonna wind up in one of these rooms one day, but, you know, without headphones." "Don't look at him." "I guess that's it." "Thanks for letting me share the endless turd storm that is my life." "Okay." "Anyone else?" " Hi." "Bonnie, alcoholic." " Hi, Bonnie." "And I, too, know what it's like to have a child in these rooms." "Don't look at her." "Baxter just pulled up." "Okay, what's the plan?" "Simple." "I'm gonna kill him, you're gonna dispose of the body." "I never get the fun part." "I wish I thought any of this was fun." "Can be." "Have you taken a moment to consider how much leverage you have right now?" "What are you talking about?" "You know that he lied to his wife." "And you know that without her, he's jobless, homeless and back to selling his sperm, which we now know is worthless." "So with that in mind, what if you were to suggest that in exchange for your silence, he might want to send you and your mother to Hawaii for a week for the low price of $1,700 per person courtesy of Travelocity?" " Ooh, Kauai, the garden island." " Mm-hmm." "And look, a complimentary luau with a pig they cook in the ground." "Mmm." "I've never eaten a dirty pig." "Yes, I heard it." "So what do you think?" "No, this is about my son's well-being." "Not about seven days and six nights" " at the Sheraton Poipu Beach." " Mm." "You're a better mother when you're tan." "No." "Oh, come on!" "We can swim with the dolphins!" "Hey." "Roscoe ready to go?" "Hang out a minute." "He's washing my car." "Ah, that's smart." "A little manual labor as punishment?" "Builds character." "Yeah, shut up and sit down." " What?" " You heard her." "Okay." "Everything all right?" "Roscoe told us he found your stash." "That's impossible." "There is no stash." "I told you I quit." "So you're calling your son a liar?" "I, uh..." "I guess." "Oh, man up, you sperm-less weasel!" "Tell me the truth." "Okay, it was me!" "I'm sorry!" "You made me feel like it was my fault." "Of course I did!" "I'm a sperm-less weasel!" "All right, now here's what's gonna happen." "You're gonna call Candace and tell her the truth." "I can't do that." "She'll throw me out." "Fine, then I'll tell her." "Go ahead." "She's not gonna believe you." "She hates you, whereas I'm the man she's settling for." "That might be true." "Let's find out." "Let's." "Unlocking my phone." "Scrolling through contacts." "Selecting "Big Red Nightmare""" ""Mobile."" " And it's ringing." " Tell her I said hi." "Hi, Candace." "It's Christy..." "Stop, stop, stop!" "Stop, stop, stop, stop!" "Just give me a second to explain." "I know both of you think that I'm..." "Oh, my God, she's calling back." " Oh." " Hey!" "I'll buy you a new phone!" "Look, I am sorry that I threw you under the bus, but you have to understand what my life is now." "I pretend all day long to like selling cars, then go to my tastefully decorated home and pretend to like barbecuing fish." "And if that's not bad enough," "I have to pretend to like listening to Adele during sex!" "I can't do all of that without pot!" "Please don't take it away from me." "It's the only thing that's real!" "Besides the love you have for your son." "Yeah, of course." "That's magical." "Please don't tell her." "I'll do anything, I swear." "Aloha?" "Okay, listen up." "You are gonna get your pot out of the house..." "All of it this time." "Then you're gonna put it in a lock box with a combination, and then you're gonna send me a picture of that box." "You got it." "I'll do it tonight when Big Red's watching Real Housewives." "Is that it?" "Are we good?" "One of us is good." "Mom?" " Go for it?" " Go for it." "I'll get my laptop." "Get out your credit card." "Are you in trouble with Candace?" "No more than usual." "Are you in trouble with Mom?" "No more than usual." "Are you mad at me?" "Are you kidding?" "Of course not." "If anything, I should be apologizing to you." "I'm listening." "Roscoe, you know I smoke pot." "Yeah." "And so, you might think that's cool because, you know, I'm cool." "Sorry, go on." "But it's not cool." "It's a crutch that people use when, you know, they're dealing with feelings they don't like." "I get it." "Is that why you did it?" "No." "So then why?" " The truth?" " Yeah." "We were out of beer." "They really pack you in here, don't they?" "Really, chipmunk?" "You feel crammed in?" "Oh, sorry." "Hey, I saw Alicia Keys in first class." "You want to say hello?" "Not really, no." "Oh, come on." "She's just sitting there." "I'm sure she'd appreciate meeting some of her fans." "I'm sure you're wrong." "What's your problem?" "We're on a free vacation." "I know." "I'm just thinking about Roscoe." "Look, we got all the drugs out of that house," "Baxter's gonna watch him like a hawk." "We've done all we can do." "You're right." "I'll try to relax." "There you go." "Let's raise our cups of warm ginger ale and toast to seven days, six nights in paradise with free breakfast buffet." "Don't forget the dirty pig." "There's only one thing that bugs me about this whole Roscoe deal." "What?" "He said it was the first time he ever smoked pot." "Now, is a Jacuzzi the place you go to get high for the first time, or is that... optimizing an experience you've already had?" "Turn this plane around!"