"What do you want?" "I wanna be cremated." "You got it." "No problem." " You sure?" " Mm-hmm." "Because Matt's gonna wanna bury me next to Mom and Dad in the old Jamison plot about a mile from here." " He's gonna put up a fight." " Fuck Matt." "If you wanna be cremated, I'll make sure you're cremated." "We'll burn you up good." "What about you?" " I wanna be stuffed." " Excuse me?" "Stuffed." "Like, you know, taxidermy." "You don't have to display me prominently." "Just stick me in the corner of the bedroom or something." " I'll get it." " No, she'll settle." "Okay, I'll stuff you." "On one condition." "Shoot." "I get to put a beard on you." "Why?" "Because I'm the one that has to have sex with that abomination." "I'm gonna dress it up how I want." "You want me to grow a beard." "Do I?" "Shit!" "This is it." "Wake up." "Wake the fuck up." "Wake up." "Wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up!" "God damn it!" "Shit, this is it." "It's today!" "It's today." "Wake up!" " What's going on?" " What happened?" "What happened is your wife fucking drugged us, talked him out of it." "Now the goddamn flood's coming, and we're all gonna fucking die." " His horse is here." " Huh?" " His horse is here." " What?" "Oh, Jesus Christ!" "Help me!" "Come on!" "Get him off that!" "Get him out!" "Get him the fuck out!" "Get him off, God damn it!" "Get him off!" "Stop!" "Stop!" " What are you doing?" " What are you doing?" "I'm doing what you asked me to do." "I thought we'd do it together." "I know what you want me to say to Evie." "Anything else?" "No." "My children." "You saw the photos." "Do you remember their names?" "Liam, Abigail, David, Samantha, Jimmy." "Thank you." "You want me to find Christopher Sunday, learn the song, so you can stop the flood, right?" "Right." "Then let go." "Kevin Harvey." "No." "No!" "Please, please, please, please." "Don't." "Kilo Hotel is secure." "I repeat, Kilo Hotel is secure." "Mr. Harvey." "Is that your place up there?" "Yeah." "Well, are you gonna invite me in?" "You got any other reflective surfaces?" "TV screens, glassware, stainless steel pots?" "Uh, no." "The fuck are these?" "Uh, my sunglasses." "No reflective surfaces." "Do not look into them no matter what." "That's how they found you." "Yeah." "Right." ""He stood on the bow of The Merciful... the water endlessly stretching to the infinite horizon as he contemplated the impossible distance between them, but he would not stop until he found her."" "What, are you writing a book?" "There's no shame in it." "What you do in your time is your business." "Unfortunately, folks in your line of work don't get to retire." "I'm an assassin." "Yes, sir, Mr. Harvey." "So, let's get assassinating, shall we?" "Who's the target?" "President." " The president?" " Of the United States." "And based on our intel, in, well, just under two hours he's gonna start an unsanctioned nuclear war." "And you are the only man alive who can get to him before he does." "Mr. Harvey, you gonna have trouble putting him down?" "No." "But I'm gonna need something in exchange." "Okay." "What?" "I need to find some people." "Five kids..." "Liam, Abigail, Samantha, David, and Jimmy Playford." "I also need to talk to a woman named Evangeline Murphy and a man..." "Christopher Sunday." "Christopher Sunday?" "The Prime Minister of Australia?" "Yeah." "Man, you want that kind of high-level access, you're gonna have to talk to the boss yourself." "Here." "Stick that in your ear." "You'll hear him, he'll hear you." "He'll talk you through this whole shit show." "Now, the evac chopper is two minutes out." "You're gonna wanna get yourself dressed." "Testing, one, two, three." "Testing, one, two, three." "Are you receiving me?" " Who is this?" " Mission control." "Do I know you?" "♪ I'm sitting in the railway station ♪" "♪ Got a ticket to my destination ♪" "♪ Mm... ♪" "You made me sing." "I met you on the bridge." "And do you remember, Mr. Harvey, what I said to you that night on the bridge when I whispered in your ear?" "You said I was the most powerful man in the world." "Goddamn right, you are." "Now, go pick up that piece of mirror and look at yourself." "I thought I wasn't supposed to look in reflective..." "Shut up." "You wanna get what you came here for?" "Pick up that mirror and look at yourself." "Yeah!" "Yeah!" "Here we go!" "Whoo!" "Um..." "G'day... g'day, Melbourne." "Um..." "Thank you for the warm welcome." "This isn't my first time visiting the other side of the world." "Every time I'm here, it gets harder and harder to leave." "Yeah!" "Yeah!" "Uh..." "I've come to talk to you today about marriage." "For millennia, we have believed marriage as a cornerstone of our civilization." "Our party, however, does not share this opinion." "We believe that marriage is the single most destructive idea ever conceived of by humankind." "That's why in my first hundred days in office," "I introduced legislation..." "I'm the president." "Um, and as... as president, my friends, tradition is powerful." "In the early days of our movement, it was mandatory that all members smoke cigarettes and refrain from speaking, but we realized those traditions were stupid." "Now, it's an understandable concern." "If there is no marriage, what happens to the family?" "What happens to the children?" "And so we decided to have a worldwide essay contest to answer that question in their own words." "We have one of the finalists from that contest here with us today." "He is joined by his brothers and sisters for his essay titled "Why I Don't Need a Mommy and a Daddy Anymore."" "Please welcome Australia's own... um..." "Liam Playford." "Liam... why aren't you wearing any shoes?" "That's weird." "Yeah." "Your shoes." "You're not wearing any shoes." "Where are they?" "Why does it matter?" "Well, somebody wants... somebody in your family wants to know." "But you said there is no family." "♪ Love ♪" "♪ Love will keep us together ♪" "♪ Think of me, babe, whenever ♪" "♪ Some sweet-talking girl comes along... ♪" "♪ Singing her song ♪" " ♪ Don't mess around... ♪" " Sir, we have a situation." "We need to move you now." "No, wait." "I, uh..." "I have to..." "I have to talk to that girl." "No, we haven't got time for that, sir." "We need to get you to a secure location." "I'm not going fucking anywhere until I talk to that girl." "Okay, I'll get her." "Get him to the car." "This way, please, sir." "Mr. President, Chief of Staff on the phone." " Hello?" " Mr. President, it appears Ukrainian separatists have taken control of an armed nuclear submarine, and they'll have launch capability within two hours." "You're being brought to a bunker, which you will access with your unique biometrics once inside." " Sorry, my unique biometrics?" " Yes, sir." "The door can only be unlocked by you and you alone unless you have an identical twin brother, which would be ridiculous." "Yeah, that would be ridiculous." "Sir, do I have your permission to move us to DEFCON 2?" "Um, what DEFCON are we at right now?" " We're at DEFCON 3, sir." " Uh, DEFCON 2 is worse?" "Yes, sir, it's worse." "Let's jut stay where we're at right now until we have more, um, intel." "With all due respect, sir," "I don't think the Secretary of Defense is going to be happy about that." "Yeah, well, fuck the Secretary of Defense." "Mr. President, the girl you asked for." " She's coming with me." " Sir, she's a civilian." "She can't travel in the presidential limo." "She's coming with me alone." "That's an order." "Looks like rain." "Do you know who I am?" "Yes." "Do you know that I'm not the President of the United States?" "I sure do." "I have a message for you from your father." "My father?" "John." "He wants me to tell you... he wants you to know... that you're loved." "Is there anything you want me to tell him?" "Are you fucking serious?" "My father was murdered... my mother, my brother... all of them gone in an instant because of a drone strike ordered by your administration." "No." "N-no, that's not what happened." "You were killed." "What?" "I'm not dead." "I'm right fucking here, asshole." "You said you knew that I wasn't the president." "You're not!" "You're just a puppet." "That speech you just gave?" "Were those even your words?" "Because it didn't sound like you believed a single thing you were saying." "You just do what they tell you to do." " That's not true." " Yeah, it is." "What do you want?" "Are you okay?" "Stop!" "Stop the car!" "You need to stop the car!" "All right, stand back." "Give him some air." "I was just with Evie." "You... you saw her?" "I delivered your message." "Your children were there, too." "All of them?" "Yeah, all of them." "They were all okay?" "They didn't know what happened to their shoes." "Did you get the song?" "I was working on it." "Why'd you pull me out of the pond?" "There is no pond." "The whole fucking ranch is flooded." "Take me to the bathroom." "Whoa, hold on." "You can't keep doing this." " Yes, he can." " No, look at him!" "You got what you wanted." "Now you're worried about him?" "Out there is the goddamn flood." "That's why we're fucking doing this." "It's not why he's doing this." "Why else would I be doing this?" "I don't know." "Why would you?" " Out!" " No." "No!" "Come on!" "Kevin!" " Dad, stop." " Don't do this!" " Kevin!" " Everyone's got a fucking opinion." " Kevin!" " Dad, stop." "Let's go." "You okay?" "I'm cold." "If I could do this instead of you," "I would." "I know." "But the secure location can only be accessed by my exact biometrics." "Is... is that supposed to make sense to me?" "It doesn't make sense to me." "I love you, son." "I love you, too." "You're gonna have to hold me down." "You all right, sir?" "Yeah." "I need to talk to the Australian prime minister." " Sorry?" " The Australian prime minister." "Christopher Sunday." "I need to talk to him right now." "Well, sir, there's a secure comms room inside the bunker." "We just need to confirm your ID, and you can talk to whoever you want." "Just wanna try the scanner again, please, sir." "Yeah." "Identity confirmed." "Excellent." "Now your penis, please, sir." " My what?" " Your penis." "Place it on the other scanner, please, sir." "Why?" "Mr. President, due to advancements in plastic surgery, anyone with enough resources can copy a person's face." "But your, uh... your penis, sir, well, they're not gonna go to that length." "Woman's VOICE:" "Identity confirmed." "Confirmed." "Can we go in now?" "Just the three authentication questions, sir." "What was the name of your favorite childhood pet?" "We didn't have one." "My mom was allergic." "Correct." "Your favorite movie?" ""Godfather."" "Part two." "Correct." "Name of your Secretary of Defense?" "Um..." "Sir, I need a name." "Patti Levin." "Correct." "Good to see you, Mr. President." "I wish the circumstances were different, but it appears the shit has hit the fan, sir." "Let's get to the situation room." "Mr. President, for reasons I cannot fathom, we remain at DEFCON 3." "This is the case containing the nuclear football, which will give you remote launch capability." "What's in that one?" "Never mind about that." "Just pray we don't have to open it." "Sir, in order to arm the device, you need to verbally take us down to DEFCON 1." "You are aware of the situation, yes?" " Yeah, of course..." " So, you know, sir, that Ukrainian separatists have seized control of a nuclear submarine." "They will be weapons hot in less than an hour." "Our only option is to strike first, which is why you need to take us down to DEFCON 1." "Uh, I have to make a phone call first." "To who?" "The Prime Minister of Australia." "Gentlemen, can the president and I have the room, please?" "Yes, if you can..." "What the fuck is wrong with you?" "!" "All this time, years of planning, we are minutes away from making this happen, and you are dicking around about DEFCON 1!" " I don't have..." " You don't have any what?" "You don't have any balls?" "What?" "!" "Sorry to interrupt, Mr. President, but the vice president is here and she's demanding to speak to you." "She?" "Fuck her." "Tell her to go away." "She doesn't know about this." "Let her in." "Yes, sir, of course." "Madam Vice President." "You're being played, sir." " Wha... what?" " You're being played." "I just got off the phone with the Kremlin who confirms that there is no submarine, no separatists." "This is a smoke screen." "You have been fed bogus intel." "I don't get fed, I feed." "And you clearly have no goddamn idea what's happening around here." "Then enlighten me." "I couldn't enlighten you with a fucking thousand-watt bulb." " Tell her about the plan." " I'm not telling her jack shit." "If you want me to bring us down to DEFCON 1, tell her." "Fine." "We are going to vaporize every man, woman, and child on the planet." "It's the seventh anniversary of the departure, and there is reasonable expectation out there that the world's gonna end." "So, we're gonna fire our nukes at the Russians and they're gonna retaliate, and then that's it." "We're all torched." "No one wakes up tomorrow disappointed that nothing fucking happened." "We give the people what they're too chickenshit to do themselves, what they elected us for." "We give them what they want." "And they want to die." "Well, that's not gonna work." "You can't launch without going through the Fisher Protocol." "You know about the Fisher Protocol?" "Of course I do." "Prove it." "It's an ethical deterrent." "The nuclear launch key was surgically embedded into the heart of a volunteer." "In order for the president to be able to blow up millions of people with the push of a button, he has to extract that key by murdering the volunteer himself." "But since I don't see that volunteer here, you can't launch shit." "What?" "The volunteer is coming through the east entrance of this facility in 15 minutes." "And how is he gonna make it through the security door?" "He's my identical twin brother." "Well, it sounds like you two have really thought this through." "I guess I should go handle my affairs." "I guess you should." "Mr. President." "Yeah." "All righty, sir." "May we go down to DEFCON 1 now?" "I just need to make my call." "You can make your call after you take us to DEFCON 1." "Just say it into the device." "We're at DEFCON 1." "What the fuck!" "What the fuck?" "You can't leave, sir." "Your order initiated a full lockdown." "I told you I had to make a fucking call!" "Hey!" "Do you have eyes on the entrance?" " Yeah, I see it." " Good." "Take out the Secret Service agents and get in there." "There are no Secret Service agents." "It's a trap." "They want me to go in." "They wanna cut me open." "Do you think I don't know that?" "Well, if you knew that, why the fuck wouldn't you tell me?" "Because I'm covering my asset." " What asset?" " I have someone on the inside." "Leave your weapon, enter the door, and they'll take care of you once you're inside." "You want me to go in there without a gun?" ""Hence it comes about that all unarmed prophets have been victorious, and all armed prophets have been destroyed."" "That's from Machiavelli." "Put your faith in me, Mr. Harvey." "Identity confirmed." "Stop right there!" "Stop!" "Down!" "Down on the stairs." "Get down!" "Show us your hands!" " Show us your fucking hands!" " Here!" " Don't move." " Did you fucking sell me out?" "Don't you fucking move." "Hey, are you there?" "I said don't fucking move!" "Jesus." "You look just fucking like him." "The president is in the situation room." "It's in lockdown, but the code is 6969." "And please make sure you fucking kill the Secretary of Defense." " Where's the comms room?" " What?" "The comms room." "I need to make a call." "Do you know what's inside of you?" "Yes." "Then you know that the president will not hesitate to cut you open and pull it out." "I mean, I know this man." "He is cold and he is merciless." "You think he gives a shit about you if he's willing to end the world?" "I thought that's what you people wanted." "They're all liars." "They say they don't believe in love and they don't feel pain." "I feel pain." "And I'm in love." "I'm in love with the most wonderful man I have ever known." "Uh-huh." "And who's that?" "His name is God." "Tell her I love her, too." "Where's the comms room?" "What is it with you and the fucking comms room?" "I thought you were an assassin." "I mean, who do you need to communicate with?" "Well, maybe I'm in love, too." "Oh, please." "Where is the comms room?" "It's fucking up the hall, to the right!" "What's happening?" "What was that noise?" "I don't know." "You tell me." "You're God." "That was just a pick-up line." "Did you fucking kill her?" "Hey." "Hey, Harvey!" "Hey!" "Harvey!" "Mr. President." "You shaved." "I need to talk to the Prime Minister of Australia." "Christopher Sunday." "Is there a problem, Officer?" "No, sir." "He'll come out here, Mr. President." " Give us the room." " Sir, this is my post." "Give us the fucking room." "Hello." "Hello." "Are you Christopher Sunday?" "Yes." "My name is Kevin, and I know this is gonna sound crazy... but you're not the Prime Minister of Australia." "My father, he came to you for a song." "A song to stop the rain." "There's no song to stop the rain." "What?" "I told your father, but he didn't listen." "No." "No, no, no." "Look, you have to give me something." "I have to bring him something." "He... he needs this." " There's a flood..." " Do you believe that?" "Believe what?" "Do you believe your father can sing a song and stop the flood?" "No." "Then why are you here?" "Don't move." "Mr. President, can I have my glasses back, please?" "Sounds like they got him." "I don't wanna do this anymore." "Do what, Mr. President?" "Stop fucking calling me that!" "I'm not the president!" "You're not the fucking Secretary of Defense." "Oh, yes, yes, I am." "You named me Secretary of Defense." "You were asked who did you want in this position, and you named me." "You summoned me out of retirement and I came back because I owed you." "You helped me, Kevin." "And now I'm here to help you." "Help me how?" "Well, what do you want?" "I wanna go home." "Do you?" "What?" "It's just that you've been known to say that before, and yet you keep leaving home and coming here." "I'm sensing a lot of internal contradictions from you, Kevin." "It sounds like something you need to work out with yourself." "I'm gonna take these off because I know you're here of your own free will, and the last thing you wanna do is hurt yourself." "♪ The Kevins ♪" "♪ Identical Kevins all the way ♪" "♪ One pair of matching bookends ♪" "♪ Different as night and day. ♪" "All right, gentlemen." "Let's get to the hard part, shall we?" "I, Patricia Levin, in my capacity as Secretary of Defense hereby invoke the Fisher Protocol, overriding the Heart Deterrent pursuant to the nuclear command authority granted by Article Two, Section Two of the US Constitution." "The president shall make an incision two inches below the sternum of the volunteer... that's you... whereupon the president, gaining access from beneath the ribcage, shall manually extract the launch key from behind the left atrium." "In recognition of his service, the volunteer shall receive a posthumous Congressional Medal of Honor applicable if Congress exists, which it will not." "May God have mercy on your soul if there is a God, which there is not." "I'm not fucking killing him." "Good, because I'm not fucking letting him." "Gentlemen, language." "Fuck you!" "I'm not understanding the problem." "The problem is that this is stupid!" "I don't care about any of this bullshit." " It doesn't make any sense!" " It doesn't?" "No!" "Why the fuck would I volunteer to be cut open?" "I don't know." "Why would you?" " I wouldn't!" " And yet here you are." "Knowing full well what is inside of you, you kept moving forward towards this very room and the one person powerful enough to take it out." "I think you should tell him about the book you wrote." "What book?" "The romance novel." "That's him." "He... he wrote it." "That's him." " What?" "No." "N-no, I didn't." " Yeah, you did." "It's the one that was in the typewriter" " in the fucking beach house." " I know." " I was there, but it's not fucking mine." " Boys, boys." "I think we can all agree you both wrote the same book." "No, we didn't!" "Well, I'm sorry it's come to this, but I have no choice." "I received a call from the CIA that the president was keeping a secret journal hidden behind the portrait of Millard Fillmore in the Oval." "As this was clearly a national security issue," "I had no choice but to procure it." "I'd like you to read this for us." "No." "What about you?" "No." "Fine, I'll do it myself." "Sorry, I just need my glasses." "For fuck's sake." ""Untitled Romance Novel." " Chapter One."" " Just read the last page." "Ending's better." ""The port was alive with strange faces." "It was dawn by the time he found an old salt willing to part with a vessel for what bullion he had left... a cutter with a Bermuda rig called 'The Merciful, ' its sails ragged and ripped," "its compass cracked, its rotten hull just barely able to cut the breakers." "But it would be enough to make his escape." "It wasn't for another hour when he was a mile from the docks that his thoughts turned back to her." "He imagined her alone." "By now, she would've searched the house and found it empty." "She had suspected it all along, and now she knew he was a coward." "A coward dressed in the uniform of a brave man." "Brave enough to cross two oceans and a continent to find her, to fight countless enemies, and yet in the end, he was terrified." "He was terrified of her... to lie beside her, to be comforted by her as he wept, to show her he was small, for her to know that and touch his cheek and whisper words softly into his ear." "All of that was a nightmare." "All he knew to do was run." "He took a deep breath of the air, tasting the salt on his tongue, and closed his eyes, leaning into the spray as The Merciful picked up speed and sailed for the horizon." "He was alone, and all was well."" "Take this thing out of me." "Why?" "So we can't ever come back here again." "We fucked up with Nora." "Let's go watch." "I thought you were gone." "It was raining so hard and I got scared." "So I came up here." "Okay." "I don't think I'm ready to come down." "Now what?"