"Why does your mother have to announce who's hosting Thanksgiving at 5:30 in the morning?" "It's her ritual, Louis." "She wakes up at 4:00, sweeps the driveway, looks at old photographs next to a candle, then calls." "But your mom chooses Connie and Steve to host every year." "And Connie never lets me forget it." "But this year is different." "We live in Florida now." "I've been sending crates of these babies to my mother for weeks." "Who could say no to this face?" "[Chuckles]" ""Juice-ica."" "[Chuckles]" "[Telephone rings] [Gasps]" "Mom, what have you decided?" "_" "_" "Yes!" "Yes!" "[Stifled screaming]" "S02E058 Huangsgiving" "♪ Fresh off the boat ♪" "♪ I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go ♪" "♪ If you don't know, homey, now you know ♪" "♪ Fresh off the boat ♪" "♪ Homey, you don't know where I come from ♪" "♪ But I know where I'm goin' ♪" "♪ I'm fresh off the boat ♪" "Why are you staring at the phone?" "We already got the good news..." "We're hosting Thanksgiving." "I'm waiting for the loser's concession call." "[Telephone rings]" "[Sighs]" "Huang residence." "Congratulations, sister." "I'm excited to spend Thanksgiving at your house this year." "I just hope we can do as good a job as you and Steve." "Don't forget to bring your famous potato salad." " Can't wait." " Can't wait." "It's on like Donkey Kong." "Connie can't wait to see us crash and burn in front of mom." "Well, lucky for us, I run a semi-successful restaurant." "Together, we can make this Thanksgiving great." "If not, it's back to D.C., potato salad, and Steve making everybody play charades." "How was I supposed to know that was Ronald McDonald?" "He was just miming a big afro." "Your guess made everyone uncomfortable." "Louis:" "Boys, big news!" "This year, we're hosting Thanksgiving." "Eddie:" "Nice!" "Sweet!" "Yay!" "I can't wait to hang with cousin Justin and listen to music." "But you like rap and he likes grunge." "I have found our common ground." "♪ Yeah ♪" "Pearl Jam." ""Pearl Jam"?" "That's what I'm calling mayonnaise from now on." "So, unless anybody needs to use the bathroom for a third time..." "I drink a lot of juice, okay?" "I call this Thanksgiving planning session to order." "This year, we're going to create our own traditions and blow everyone's mind." "I thought I would invite mom's favorite person, Oscar Chow." "I hope you don't mind that I borrowed this robe." "Very swish." "They like to re-enact scenes from "Dynasty."" "Also, since Connie always buys canned cranberry sauce," "I've decided I would make my own." "Excellent." "Evan and Emery?" "We'll take the table decorations." "The theme... "harvest hoedown."" "Or "polar bear pilgrims."" ""Harvest hoedown."" "We had an arm-wrestle, and I won." "Great." "Eddie?" "I..." "Promise not to bump into stuff?" "That's a nice thought, but let's not make any promises we can't keep." "Now, on to the big ideas." "First, at Steve and Connie's Thanksgiving, everybody plays charades." "Boo!" "But at "Huangsgiving," we play..." "Monopoly!" "Yay!" "Second, aren't you sick of having to fight over one measly roast duck at Steve and Connie's?" "Last year, I got the beak." "That's why at Huangsgiving, we don't serve duck." "No." "We serve... individual cornish hens." "They're the personal pizzas of the bird world." "I'm gonna eat mine with my hands, like a cookie." "♪ Here we go, yo, here we go, yo ♪" "♪ So what, so what, so what's the scenario?" "♪" "♪ Oh, my gosh, oh, my gosh ♪" "Here they come!" " Hello." " Hey!" "Hello." "Happy Thanksgiving!" "_" "_" "Emery:" "Whoa." "Why do you look like a taxicab?" "I'm straight-edge ska now." "Happy "Skanksgiving."" "Yo, Justin." "Got the new Pearl Jam." "Grunge is dead." "It's like chasing the wind." "Where's Steve?" "Oh." "He's driving separately." "Louis:" "Oh." "He did that last time." "♪ Yeaaaaaaaaah ♪" "[Horn honking] ♪ all right ♪" "[Engine revs, tires screech]" "[Horn honking] ♪ yeaaaaaaaaah ♪" "♪ All right ♪" "[Engine sputtering, honking continues]" "[Sputtering, honking continue]" "[Engine stops]" "[Engine sputters]" "[Suspension creaks]" "[Emergency brake cranks]" "It's okay..." "Must have accidentally knocked the keys out of the ignition with my knee. [Chuckles]" "Wow, Steve." "Nice..." "Car?" "Geo." "Oh, forget it!" "I can't do this!" "I can't pretend anymore!" "You just got here." "Steve and I drove separately because... our marriage is on the rocks." "_" "Sorry I didn't tell you sooner, ma." "I was just waiting for the right time." "Don't leave me, Connie." "Get ahold of yourself, Steve." "Nobody wants to see this." "Now, if you'll all excuse me," "I'm going to go cry into some bath towels." "[Sobs]" "_" "_" "[Scoffs]" "What does this mean for the table?" "We had them sharing a love seat made of hay!" "It's been kind of rough with Connie and I since our last visit here, when she found out about our financial situation." "You, uh, brought your computer again." "[Sighs] The Internet is the only connection" "I can count on right now." "I feel so bad for them." "Their marriage is fine, Louis." "This is just classic Connie trying to steal focus." "Remember when she was late for our wedding because she got hit by a car?" "Or my college graduation, when she contracted lyme disease?" "She said she got it from petting a baby deer." "Who pets a deer?" "What is she, snow white?" "!" "So, come on down to my Thanksgiving day sale!" "Remember, I'm across from the big q..." "Which is putting me out of business." "_" "_" "_" "I hate to be a bother, but Steve and I can't sleep in the same room, what with our marriage falling apart!" "It wouldn't be a problem if we were hosting." "We have extra bedrooms..." "Uhp-bup-bup-bup-bup." "Not a problem." "Steve can sleep on the sofa." "It's a pull-out!" "Mmmmmmm!" "Great." "Louis Huang, I'm impressed." "Connie is no match for the both of us." "Now, you go to bed." "I'll stay up and finish prepping." "We're going to throw the best damn Huangsgiving your mother's ever seen." "You're really committed to that name, huh?" "That's the shortened version." "The full name is Louis Huang's Huangsgiving featuring Louis and the Huangs." "[Sighs]" "She stopped doing my laundry." "Did I tell you that?" "Look..." "These used to be white." "Why is laundry so hard?" "Okay, you're all set here." "Got a lot of prep to do for tomorrow, so..." "Have one drink with me." "I'd love to, but I..." "Come on, Louis." "I really need this right now." "Oh, I see some whiskers." "Could it be everybody's favorite tabby?" "Garfield." "It is!" "Here comes..." "Heathcliff!" "[Remote clicks]" "So, come on down to my Thanksgiving day sale." "Remember, what I don't sell, I have to burn!" "[Door opens, closes]" "[Groaning]" "Louis!" "Where have you been?" "Nothing is done!" "I thought you said you were going to..." "Wait a minute." "Why do you smell like a Korean hotel?" "Um, well..." "Steve:" "Go, go, go." "Steve and I had just one drink before bed..." "Whoo!" "[Laughs]" "And then, we talked some business." "[Both laughing]" "I bet this is all part of Steve and Connie's plan to sabotage our Thanksgiving!" "I just need a couple of Aspirin and a shower, and I'll be back to 100%." "Besides, I'm sure Steve is feeling even worse than me this morning." "Hey, Louis." "Think fast." "Blueberry muffin comin' at ya." "How are you not hungover?" "Oh, I can't get drunk anymore." "My blood is 100% alcohol at this point." "Oh, hey, uh, thanks for the, uh, relationship advice last night." "I'm gonna do it... today..." "Just like you said." "Good. [Chuckles]" "[Computer chimes]" "So, Pearl Jam's out." "Want to play "Duck Hunt"?" "[Computer beeps]" "You mean "Duck Murder"?" "This is gonna be a long weekend." "We could look up sexy ladies on the Internet." "There are sexy ladies on the Internet?" "Dude!" "That's what the Internet is!" "But it takes forever for a picture to download, so you have to pick what sexy lady you're gonna look up ahead of time." "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" " Janet Jackson." " Janeane Garofolo." "Uh [Chuckles nervously] see?" "I'm already feel..." "Aah!" "Cranberries..." "Very stingy Berry." "Look how little juice I've yielded!" "Look, I know I got us off to a rough start this morning and we're behind schedule on our prep..." "The carrots aren't even washed." "We have dirty carrots." "[Doorbell rings]" "Those are probably my cornish hens." "I'll have them brined, roasted, and on the table by 6:00 P.M." "Don't worry." "We'll get back on track." "What?" "[Chicken clucks] What the hell are those?" "The cornish hens you ordered." "I ordered dead hens!" "Nope." "See that "I-h" right there?" "Stands for "living hens."" "Louis, who are all these tiny birds?" "Well, ma'am, this one here is rose." "The cream one in the back is Sue." "You got Tori right..." "I can't learn any hen names today!" "[Breathing shakily]" "This is a slight hiccup." "That's all." "I'll run out and get a turkey from the restaurant." "_" "Do we own any miniature overalls?" "We want to gussy up the gourds." "I don't understand what you're saying, but come try mommy's cranberry sauce." "Mnh!" "Blech!" "Ugh!" ""Blech" good, or...?" "[Groans]" "[Door opens, closes]" "One turkey at your service." "What happened to its other leg?" "It was frozen to a tub of mayonnaise, so I had to amputate." "I'll cover the stump with a yam." "Let's put it in the oven." "We don't have a lot of time." "[Doorbell rings]" "Oh, it's Oscar!" "Thank God!" " Oh, Oscar!" "Welcome!" " Happy Thanksgiving." " Happy Thanksgiving!" " That's for you." " Mwah. [Chuckles]" " Mwah." " You look so handsome." " Thank you." "Hello." "Jessica, I want you to meet my new boyfriend, Michael." "You didn't tell me you had a boyfriend." "We met at the farmers market." "We both reached for the same gouda." ""Gow-dah."" "[Chuckles]" "Michael listens to NPR." "Show her your tote." "Mom, look who it is..." "Your favorite person, Oscar Chow, who you only get to see at my house." "Is that my chu-chu?" "Chow-chow!" "And so she said, "we don't do returns."" "That bitch!" "I know." "Anyway, so, I get in my car... [ukulele plays note] They should really make a big version of the ukulele, like..." "Ma, I've cut you a mango." "Look how I haven't wasted any meat." "I thought we could eat it and relive our memories of thanksgivings past." "_" "I wish I was allergic to trouble." "[Both laugh]" "Why is this acorn here?" "I think it brings a rustic quality." "You know what else is rustic?" "The squirrel that peed on it." "Get this out of my sight." "[Knock on door]" "Hey, happy Thanksgiving!" "[Chuckles]" "Is Louis ready to lug the leather?" "Uh, Marvin, honey." "What are you..." "Well, Louis called last night and said we should come ready to play ball." "Honey:" "I've been massaging his legs all morning." "He is ready to go." "[Laughs] Get in there." "Okay, now, teams..." "Uh, let me see here." "Me and, uh, Eric Clapton here..." "Versus Louis..." "And this handsome older lady." "No offense, Dorothy." "What... you think I can't play football?" "I threw a carburetor across the stage as Kenickie in "Grease" for two summer tours." "Okay, fine." "But we don't pull any punches." "We play hard touch." "Huh?" "Face tags allowed." "[Chuckles] Uh, I'd love to play, uh, Marvin, but I have to help Jessica with..." "I don't need any help." "Go play." "[Chuckles nervously]" "I don't want to play." "My stomach hurts." "You should have thought of that before you invited him over." "Have fun!" "Go get your face touched." "Come on, Louis!" "Let's go, boys!" "Let's get 'em!" "Louis, get out here!" "[Door closes]" "So, I was listening to the most fascinating story on NPR this morning about almonds." "I was on the train, tears streaming down my face." "You know, and Oscar says, "what's wrong?"" "[Voice breaking] And I sa... sorry." "I said, "the almonds are in trouble, and we're doing nothing."" "Connie!" "_" "[Sighs]" "Happy to, ma-ma." "[Buzzer] Oh!" "Don't go far!" "Dinner is about to be served." "No." "Jessica?" "[Over door slams]" "Did you say dinner is ready?" "Mom's starving." "Almost." "I just need to let it cool off." "It's so hot and brown." "Marvin:" "Set!" "Hike!" "Louis!" " One Mississippi!" "Two Mississippi!" " Come on, come on, come on. [Laughs]" "[Knock on window] [Indistinct shouting]" "The turkey is raw." "What?" "The turkey... is... raw." "Oh, astronaut?" "Sweater for an astronaut?" "[Growling] Raw!" "Oh!" "Paula Abdul!" "Worst charades player ever." "[Groans]" "What?" "What happened?" "You got hit in the head." "Oscar threw a football at you." "The turkey is raw." "You didn't turn on the oven." "Tell me if this needs more sugar." "I don't... [Gurgles]" "[Speaking indistinctly]" "Still too sour?" "[Speaking indistinctly]" "Why would anybody make a sauce out of these devil berries?" "Wait." "Did you say the turkey is raw?" "Yes, that's right." "You turned on the oven light, not the actual oven." "It's on now, so in about six hours we'll be ready to eat, which would be around midnight." "I may seem calm, but it's a calm anger, which is a much scarier type of anger." "Okay, uh... [Chuckles]" "You know what?" "We'll be fine." "We've got bags of nuts, Monopoly." "We'll stall until the food is ready." "[Chuckles] Everything is going to be great." "[Chuckling nervously]" "98%." "99%." "[Sighs] 98%." "She's almost here." "Our compromise." "A smart, talented, female musician with lots of opinions on social change." "[Computer beeps]" "Tracy Chapman." "Tracy Chapman." "Sensible vest." "All right, 7!" "1, 2, 3, 4, 5." "Buy it!" "You landed on jail." "[Laughs] Sold!" "You got a great arm there, son." "You belong on the gridiron." "You know, you go to a junior college, transfer." "What are you... 23, 24?" "I'm 45." "Jessica:" "Getting close now." "I just need to put paper booties on the bird." "Why are the gourds naked?" "Where are their overalls?" "Cute, right?" "[Laughs]" "Someone had put them on some potatoes or something." "It was weird." "[Straining] Get those off the wine bottles and back on the damn gourds!" "[Dice rattle]" "[Sighs]" "Yes!" "I'm gonna buy a house..." "For Connie." "No, thanks." "It'll just get repossessed." "All right, I-i know I'm not always good at saying how I feel, but last night, Louis told me I need to take a big swing." "[Note plays]" "♪ Turn around, Connie ♪" "♪ Every now and then, I get a little bit lonely ♪" "♪ And you're never coming around ♪" ""Never coming around"?" "!" "♪ Turn around, Connie ♪" "♪ You always smell like coconut ♪" "♪ And that's my favorite smell ♪" "This isn't going to work, Steve." "[Snoring]" "[Hair dryer whirring]" "Who says we have to eat everything together?" "Let's do courses." "First course... sauce." "_" "What?" "Connie told us..." "Right before she left to get the turkey fryer." "Cooks the bird in less than an hour." "What's open on Thanksgiving?" "Glenn's." "That's right..." "No Thanksgiving dinner for me." "_" "_" "It's not Thanksgiving." "It's Huangsgiving." "[Door opens]" "[Door slams]" "Well, I think it's my turn, so..." "[Dice rattle]" "Hello, Connie." "Jessica." "Where did you find parking?" "Children's hospital next door." "Walked through the bushes." "No way you're gonna swoop in and "rescue" my Thanksgiving." "I'm just trying to..." "To make it all about you, like you always do, with your car accidents, your lyme diseases." "My face was paralyzed for a year!" "How convenient!" "Just admit it." "Admit you wanted to ruin my Thanksgiving." "Yes!" "Because Thanksgiving is mine!" "It's the one time I get attention for the right reasons..." "Not because a car backed into me or I pet the wrong deer or... had a tattoo get infected." "I told you not to get a tattoo at the airport." "Why couldn't you just let me have this?" "You have everything else!" "Your business is semi-successful." "Your marriage is solid." "Wait... are you and Steve really having trouble?" "It's been hard." "He's just so annoying, you know?" "I know." "We all know." "I just want to punch his face." "I know." "And those whale shorts?" "I bought him those shorts." "Are appropriate for a man his age." "I also know that he loves you and Justin very much." "You know what?" "I'm going to buy this fryer so I can bring it to your house next year, when you host Thanksgiving." "No!" "I want to buy it for you so this Thanksgiving will be great." "Don't be silly." "Let me." "You have to be married to Steve." "What a beautiful table." "Honey's taking the bonnet off the gravy boat." "What is she..." "Oh, my God!" "She's putting it on her thumb!" "♪ Do do do do do ♪" "Look!" "Look!" "Hm." "Thanks for introducing me to Ska." "I hate it." "[Ska music plays]" "You tie a rope to a tire, hang it from a tree, and just... throw." "I'm not gonna do that, but thank you." "♪ Turn around, Connie ♪" "It's so catchy." "It's about wanting you to turn around." "_" "Thank you, ma-ma." "[Sighs]" "We did it." "We did Huangsgiving." "You're not mad that I got drunk and messed everything up?" "Oh, I'm mad." "I'm super-mad." "I'm just waiting till tomorrow, when everybody leaves." "Hm." "[Glass clinks] [Clears throat]" "Oh, boy. [Groans]" "Thanksgiving..." "Or, in the German, Erntedankfest..."