"Oh, Niles, you missed some top-of-the-line bar mitzvah." "They flew the entire family in." "Yeah?" "From where?" "The ceiling." "Yeah, it was a giant, sequined hot-air balloon." "It was like being in a Jewish Wizard of Oz." "Oh, and B, the bar mitzvah gave me such great ideas for your confirmation party." "And I'm sure they're fantastic." "But after church, the whole family's coming back here for an elegant supper." "You see, the arrangements have all been made." "Quick, Niles, make the arrangements." "That's right, Maxwell, less is more." "When I was confirmed, we had a very simple ceremony." "Hmm, lit a few candles and danced around a dead cat?" "Dad, come on, I've been studying with this priest for three years now." "I want a bar mitzvah." "Oh, come on, Mr. Sheffield, you know he's the middle child." "You saw The Godfather." "You don't want to have another Fredo Corleone on your hands." "He already resents you for all those after-school activities that you make me schlepp him to." "Oh, no, that's me." "Nanny Fine, is this the cruise you and Val are going on?" "Mmm-hmm." "Oh, boy, would you just look at that gorgeous hunk of beef over there by the pool." "And, you know, the chef will carve it for you right there." "Don't you find it a little degrading to be a single woman on a cruise?" "I mean, trapped on a ship with all those marauding men, half naked, greased up with suntan oil, no way to escape..." "Good night, Maxwell." "Oh, Miss Fine, you're gonna have a wonderful time." "You know, I remember my first transatlantic crossing." "I booked the royal suite on the top deck." "Magnificent panoramic views." "Oh, well, we've got the Jules Verne cabin." "We're 20,000 leagues under the sea." "But I don't care, because my psychic told me that I was gonna meet the man of my dreams on this cruise." "A psychic, Miss Fine?" "Oh, yeah." "She was fabulous." "She said that he and I were going to dance on water." "Then she got some kind of freak asthma attack, and it just ate up the rest of my $3.95 a minute." "Miss Fine, you don't honestly think you're gonna meet the love of your life and get married based only on what any stranger tells you over the telephone?" "Well, you got that right, mister." "You know how many clueless quacks I had to call before I found one with that kind of vision?" "* She was working in a bridal shop in Flushing, Queens" "* 'Til her boyfriend kicked her out * in one of those crushing scenes" "* What was she to do?" "Where was she to go?" "* She was out on her fanny" "* So over the bridge from Flushing to the Sheffield's door" "* She was there to sell makeup, but the father saw more" "* She had style!" "She had flair!" "She was there!" "* That's how she became the nanny!" "* Who would have guessed that the girl we've described * was just exactly what the doctor prescribed?" "* Now the father finds her beguiling" "* Watch out, C.C.!" "* And the kids are actually smiling" "* Such joie de vivre!" "* She's the lady in red when everybody else is wearing tan" "* The flashy girl from Flushing" "* The nanny named Fran!" "Niles, I cannot believe Miss Fine is going on a cruise just because some psychic told her she had a date with destiny." "I mean, when you pay someone, they only tell you what you want to hear." "Absolutely, sir." "You are so clever and witty and handsome..." "Oh, shut up!" "You know, there is a chance she could run off." "I mean, if she met someone and convinced herself it was fate." "Boy, that would really tear the children up." "Well, you know how attractive they find her." "I mean, nurturing and caring and all that." "Why don't you tell her how they feel?" "Don't use any names, just convey their thoughts." "Lost without you." "Never leave." "Love you so." "Are you completely mad?" "She'll think I'm talking about myself." "Now, why didn't I think of that?" "You are so clever and witty and handsome..." "Dad, a confirmation is one of the most important events in a young man's life." "No, no, no." "Where are the tears?" "Where's the emotion?" "You know, you're no Erik Menendez." "Fran, I'm not an actor." "I can't just cry on cue." "Well, try this one on for size." "Your father made some terrible investments and your trust fund, gone." "No." "No!" "That's good." "That's good." "Use that." "Uh, Mr. Sheffield, Brighton has something that he wants to speak to you about." "Dad, I've been thinking, and, well, it's very important in a young man's life to have a real confirmation, and it would mean so very, very much to me if would you would just..." "Oh, my God, your heel's going through my foot!" "Do you think Erik would have said that to Leslie Abramson?" "You know, Miss Fine, I think you're absolutely right." "Brighton should have a big party." "Oh, I'm so glad you changed your mind, because, you know, you're only 14 once." "Twenty-nine, you can be eight, 10 years." "Oh, Fran, you're the best." "Oh, honey, it's gonna be just like a real bar mitzvah." "Now, get off me." "I know what you're doing." "Hey, today I am a man." "So, tell me, what's the plans for the big event?" " Well, are you ready for this?" " Yeah." "I'm taking the entire family on a cruise." "That's fabulous." "I inspired you." "Where you going?" "To the Caribbean." "That's fabulous." "Just like me." "What cruise line?" "Celebrity." "That's fabulous." "Me, too." "I know." "We're coming with you." "Why?" "Now, Miss Fine, wasn't it your idea that Brighton should have a big bar-mitzvah-like to do?" "Yeah, bar mitzvah on land." "We're desert people." "We don't like to get wet." "That's why we parted the Red Sea." "Oh, Miss Fine, I know what you're thinking." "You're on this boat to find Mr. Right." "Well, don't you worry." "We'll respect your privacy." "So will Morty, Sylvia and Yetta." "You invited my parents and my grandmother on the first sexy vacation I've had in three years?" " Yes." " That's so thoughtful of you." "But you said Brighton should be surrounded by family." "I meant your family." "Excuse me, sir." "I may be overstepping my bounds here, but I've invited the Fines and Miss Babcock, as you requested, and I think it's very unfair to intrude on this poor girl's vacation." "You're coming, too." "(EXCLAIMING) Caribe!" "♪ Feeling hot, hot, hot" "♪ Hot, hot, hot" "(HORN BLOWING)" "Don't worry, Franny, I promise you, you won't even know I'm here." "Then maybe you can let go of my jacket?" "Then I'll fall." "Miss Babcock is out of her mind." "I haven't seen one desperate single woman on this whole ship." "Oh, my God, gorgeous guy." "How's my hair?" "Who cares?" "He's mine." "Val!" "Val, I saw him first!" "Yetta." "Welcome aboard the Century, ladies." "I'm your captain." "Oh, how do you do?" "I'm Fran Fine, and... and this is my birth control device." "Nice to meet you." "Oh, you look so different without your blue uniform and your big handlebar moustache." "Yetta, that's Captain Crunch." "I know who it is." "That picture on the box must have been taken years ago." "Darling, I don't think I'm gonna make it." "Oh." "Uh, Captain, I'd like you to meet my mother." "She's a little nervous about being so far out at sea." "The Century is one of the safest ships afloat." "Don't lie to me." "Have you ever run out of food?" "Ma, calm down." "It's a huge ship." "There's no way they're gonna run out of..." "Say, do they have an AP on Saint Thomas?" "Well, what happened with Mr. Gorgeous?" "Gay." "Look at him making out with that girl over there." "Wait until she finds out." "Well, I don't know why I'm looking to pick up men anyway." "I mean, the psychic said that the man of my dreams was going to find me." "Ah, Miss Fine, I found you." "Oh, Fran, you've gotta see the video arcade." "It is so big." "Fran, there's a club just for kids." "Children, please wait." "Wait a minute." "Now, Miss Fine is on vacation." "Let's not bother her." "But, Dad, you just dragged us all over the ship looking for her." "To tell her we're not going to bother her." "Well, that's all right." "That's okay." "Listen, you kids, if you need me for anything," "I'm on the plaza deck, Room 5102." "Hey, we're in 5103." "And I'm in 5104." "(ALL CHATTERING)" "Oh, my God, that's fabulous." "You're just so full of surprises." "Would you let go of me, old woman?" "Then I'll fall, and I'll have to spend the entire cruise in our room." "I don't..." "What do you mean our room?" "Well, you see, the thing was, when I made the arrangements, there were only two rooms left." "Well, I couldn't share with a woman, so I was forced to take the suite." "Why didn't you give us the suite?" "Well, I offered, but..." "What do we need with a wet bar and a Jacuzzi?" "A couple of old maids like us." "Hi, kids." "Hey, Fran." "Oh, God, Val, can you believe those two 17-year-old twins playing ping pong over there?" "I don't know who's more gorgeous, the boy or the girl." "Okay, let's take their chairs." "(BOTH SIGHING)" "So, Val, did you get the dining room menu?" "Yeah, it's right here." "The late seating offers a doctor across from us with an accountant on the side, and the early comes with two retired couples, but we're literally on top of the seafood bar." " Seafood bar." " Seafood bar." "It doesn't matter who I eat with because the psychic told me that, by the end of this cruise," "I was going to dance on water with the man of my dreams." "I went to a psychic." "He told me I'd be single, living with my parents and 10 pounds heavier." "Please, I'm at least 20 pounds heavier." "Oh, hi, Ma." "Where's Daddy?" "He's floating in the pool." "Where is he?" "Morty, did you forget something?" "Stays on in a monsoon, my tuchus." "Darling, I met the most gorgeous guy for you." "There he is." "Arch your back." "Hi." "I'm Steve Goodman." "Hi, Steve." "I'm Fran Fine." "Your mother told me so much about you." "You know, my sister also graduated" "Hillcrest High five years ago." "What's left for us to talk about?" "Well, we could talk about the mambo contest Saturday night." "Think you could keep up with me?" "He's asking me to dance on water." "Don't break my heart." "Don't tell me you're with someone." "Oh, no, no, no." "I am free as a bird." "Completely unattached." "(SIGHING) There you are." "Did we remember to set the alarm before we left the house?" "Mr. Sheffield, there are 2,000 people on board." "What, do I got a LoJack stuffed in my bra?" "Mr. Sheffield, the white chaises are for loading and unloading potential husbands only." "Don't mind me." "I just came up for some fresh air." "Yeah, I think I'll do a couple hundred laps in the pool." "I think you got your trunks on backwards." "The whole string is hanging out over here." "Oh, right." "Uh, don't mind me." "Carry on." "That's Grandma Yetta." "She's sharp as a tack." "It's hard to believe I got a granddaughter over 30." " She's senile." " She's senile." "Craps." "Sorry, sir, you lose again." "Hello, Niles." "Now, I knew you were a high roller." "Those Bermuda shorts you wore to the pool were a huge gamble." "This from a woman whose flip-flops could transport refugees from Cuba." "Seven's a winner." "Looks like my luck is changing." "Craps, you lose." "Come on, you have two chips left." "Go for it." "Papa needs a new pair of oven mitts." "11 is the winner." "Seven, he wins again." "Are you a good witch or a bad witch?" "* Ole ole, ole ole" "* Me mind on fire * Me soul on fire" "* Feeling hot, hot, hot" "* Party people" "* All around me feeling hot, hot, hot" "* What to do" "* On a night like this" "* Music sweet" "* I can't resist" "* We need a party song" "* A fundamental jam" "* So we go rum-bum-bum-bum" "* Yeah, we rum-bum-bum-bum" "* Feeling hot, hot, hot" "* Feeling hot, hot, hot" "* Oh, Lord" "* See people rocking" "* Hear people chanting" "* Feeling hot, hot, hot" "* Keep up this spirit" "* Come on, let's do it" "* Feeling hot, hot, hot" "* It's in the air" "* Celebration time" "* Music sweet" "* Captivate your mind" "* We have this party song" "* This fundamental jam" "* So we go rum-bum-bum-bum" "Not so fast or I'll fall." "(SIGHING) Wasn't that a magnificent sunset?" "Mmm-hmm." "I just wish it could last forever." "Oh, me, too." "You know, next to candles, sunset is the most youthful lighting." "What a wonderful day." "You know, it was a great idea to make Brighton's confirmation such an event." "Well, we've got a lot to celebrate." "Brighton's becoming a man and I'm getting one." "Oh, yes, Steve." "Nice chap." "Nice chap." "Strange how one nostril's larger than the other." "I didn't notice." "Oh, really?" "Yes, it throws off the whole symmetry of his face somehow." "Well, if it doesn't bother you." "I mean, I know I couldn't live with it." "I could live with a weird nostril myself." "Oh, Steve, there you are." "Well, listen, I should leave the two of you alone." "I'm sure you want to get to your dinner." "You know, Maxwell, you're welcome to join us." "Oh, well, that sounds..." "Terribly inconvenient." "I couldn't possibly." "Good night." "Are you sure?" "Well, actually..." "Absolutely sure." "Have fun." "Okay." "Good night." "Niles, what do you think?" "Now, if she really has met the man of her dreams," "I may have lost her forever." "Well, that's life." "Hello, Miss Babcock." "I don't know if it's the sea air, but you look..." "What do you want?" "20 minutes at the slots, my baby by my side." "Oh, this is gonna cost you big." "I thought you were duty-free on the high seas." "Sorry." "Old habits, my beauty." "Name your price." " Ninety-five pounds." " British?" "No, Yiddish." "Meet your new roommate." "Hi, Neil." "(MUSIC PLAYING)" "Here, sweetie, you want a drink?" "I'm not allowed to have any drinks with little umbrellas in them." "The rum she don't care about." "Kids!" "If I snore tonight, nudge me." "MAN:" "Thank you to the Celebrity dancers." "(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)" "And Benjie Easterman as Barbra Streisand." "If he weren't heading for the men's room, you'd swear it was her." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "And now, what you've all been waiting for." "Get ready to mambo!" "Oh, Mr. Sheffield, where is Steve?" "They're starting the dance contest, and I don't even see him." "You see, he's not gonna show." "You can't trust him." "He won't make you happy." "I don't want to be happy." "I want to be married." "Oh, Steve." "Steve." "I'm afraid I'm gonna have to sit this one out, Fran." "What?" "What happened?" "Come on, let's go." "What did I tell you?" "They're all gay." "Where are you taking him?" "This man's a stowaway." "I'm sorry, Fran." "I'm really sorry." "And I'll pay back all the sundries I charged to your cabin." "Oh, God, a stowaway." "No wonder he wanted to sleep with me." "He didn't have a room." "Oh, Miss Fine, I'm so sorry." "Oh, Mr. Sheffield, please just leave me alone." "I am so humiliated." "I just want to hide." "MAN:" "Couple number one, Fran Fine and Steve Goodman." "Miss Fine, may I be the man of your dreams for this one dance?" "I don't think I could." "First prize, a special singles cruise on the Galaxy." "All right." "Twirl me, pull me, dip me, mambo, two, three, four." "(MUSIC PLAYING)" "(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)" "Mr. Sheffield, you know, the psychic told me that I would dance on water with the man of my dreams." "What a waste of money that was."