"Hello?" "Hey." "So what are you doing right now?" "Right now..." "Well..." "I'm in my PJs rubbing lotion on my feet because I have calluses." "Yeah." "Nice." "It's late." "Aren't you tired?" "I am, but if I were there," "I wouldn't be too tired to..." "Wow." "Well, if you did that, then it would be rude of me not to..." "Whoa." "And then I'd..." "Oh, my God." "And then I'd..." "Thank you." "You know," "I'm trying to picture you there right now." "But it's kinda hard since I've never seen your apartment." "What are you talking about?" "No, that can't be right." " I'm sure you've been here before." " No, I haven't." "We've been going out for months, and, you know... nope." "Ah... you're not missing anything." "I just really wish I was there with you now." "I really wish you were here too." "Great." "I'm coming over." "See you in ten minutes." "No!" "No!" "Marni?" "Marni?" "Not good." "Okay." "Okay." "What to do?" "What to do?" "What to do?" "Oh!" "Make a list." "Yes." "Things to get rid of." "Legal pads." "Let's start with this one!" "Hello?" "Marni." "Just a minute." "You're here." "Here I am." "Can I come in?" "Of course." "No, better idea." "Let's go out." "Let's go, uh... wait for this." "Oh!" "Let's go bowling, yeah." "You don't have a woman in there, do you?" "Yes." "Yes, I do." "I have a woman in there." "I'm sorry you had to find out this way." "Okay, I don't." "It's just..." " I might be moving soon..." " I'm naked under this trench coat." "Gimme a minute." "Nate?" "Sorry about that." "Come on in." "Wow, it's kinda dark." "Yeah." "Romantic, huh?" "Is this you?" "No, that's the couch." "That's still the couch." "That's my face." "And that's... oh!" "That's what you were talking about on the phone." " And you got Marni out of there before daylight?" " Yeah, that was actually easy." "I said, "Wanna get pie?" She said, "Sure."" "See, there's this 15-minute window after sex where women are still a little dizzy." "You can pretty much suggest anything." "You only get 15 minutes?" "I once left a woman confused for three months." "I'm telling you, man." "You got to clean your place." "Throw all that lame-ass crap away." "That stuff is important to me." "I throw unimportant stuff away all the time." "I have no problem throwing stuff away." "See this receipt?" "See ya." "That's a bad example, actually." "I might need that." "Delivery." "Nathan..." "You got to have a place you can take a woman back to." "Me, I make my place like a bed and breakfast." "I got slippers, nice soft bathrobes." "Croissants in a basket." "Sends the ladies a message." ""Thank you for staying, and next time, bring a friend."" "Can I help you, man?" "Where'd you get that tattoo?" "In New Orleans." "It means "fiery strength."" "I don't think so." "Wait, hey, hey." "Hold up." "What does it mean?" "I can't really translate in English." "Closest I can come to it is..." ""Li'l Bitch."" "Li'l what?" "You know, "Li'l Bitch."" "You hear what he just said to me?" "Yeah." "I want him to say it again." "Gimme that tip back." "And you better brush up on your Chinese, man." "It means "fiery strength," you got that?" "Strength of fire!" "Shut up." "But it is weird, right?" "Three months and I still haven't seen his place." "I think that's weird." "I think it's kinky." "You went over in the dark and had mystery sex in a mystery location." "That's hardcore, babe." "You think?" "No, it's weird." "I'm just trying to make you feel better." "I shoulda just stayed and seen it in the morning." "Damn me and my love of pie!" "This trench coat has been outside." "Oh." "Sorry, I borrowed it the other night." "I hope that's okay." "It's not." "Gimme a break." "I suppose my string cheese keeps eating itself." "And halfsies on the orange juice means half, Clown!" "Half!" "You're not dying of scurvy!" "Look, Marn, you need to chill." "Because this apartment thing is driving you nuts." "I know, I know." "This is what I get like." "When someone tells me I can't do something, I'm, like, "Oaah!" "I have to do it."" "turn it into another Chinese character." "Why are you sitting there?" "I said, "Aah, I have to do it!"" "Let's go." "You know how to pick a lock, right?" "All I need's a credit card." "Thanks so much." "Odds are grandma's just taking a nap, but... you never know." "Let's close our eyes, and we'll open them together on the count of three." "One... two..." "Three." "Tess, you didn't even..." "Well, we should probably go." "The police are gonna wanna talk to you before he kills again." "Okay." "This is good, Bowie." "This is good." "I thought I'd only been out with Marni 42 times, but it's 45." "We're in the safety zone now." "You broke into my apartment?" "Maybe it is time to show her my apartment." "I mean, sure every other woman I've showed it to has freaked." "But Marni's different." "Very different." "So I have a few knickknacks, who doesn't?" "I can't be the only guy in New York with a caveman skull in my cabinet." "Or seven." "I have seven Cro-Magnon skulls, Bowie." "There's no way I'm letting her in there." "Delivery." "Uh, sorry, man, I think you got the wrong place." "No, it's the right place." "Right here." "Can you take a look at this for me, man?" "Does this say..." ""Li'l Bitch"?" "Little what?" "No, no, no." "That is terrible." "Who would tell you that?" "Some punk from Hunan Dragon." "Oh, Hunan Dragon no good." "That is not what your tattoo say." "I knew it." "Ah, my man." "Wait, wait, so it does mean "fiery strength"?" "Aah, no it means, um... of two men who love each other, you are the one who plays the woman." "Uh, run." "Run, run, run." "Shut up." "Oh, my God." "I had sex here." "Or there." "Where the hell did I have sex?" "Wow, look at all these equations." "Aah!" "What was it?" "I don't know, but there were seven of 'em." "Check this out." "Your boyfriend was writing about DNA in second grade." "Apparently, he was trying to clone a girl named Erica." "Aah." "God, it's like we're standing inside his brain." "I was thinking the Unabomber's cabin, but sure, we could say it's his brain." " Look at this." " No... you know what?" "We can't do this." "This is a total invasion of his privacy." "Let's just put everything back the way it was and get outta here." "So this is how it ends." "Oh, my God." "Tess, clean it up!" "Andale, andale, he comes home in an hour!" "Marni, we're not putting all this back in an hour." "Let's just torch the place." "I'll call my guy." "Okay." "Okay." "Let's think about this." "How would Nate have organized this?" "Because he probably has a very intricate system, you know, like, a Dewey Decimal System." "What if it is the Dewey Decimal System?" "I mean, I'm pretty sure that 500.4 is Botany, but..." "Oh, my God." "Oh, my God." "Pull it together, Marn." "I will leave you here to save myself." "I swear I will." "Don't leave me." "Okay." "My phone." " It's Nate." " Okay." " Not a problem, the important thing is..." " Hello ?" "To not answer the phone." "Hey." "I was just talking about you." "All good stuff." "Where am I?" "I'm home." "Where are you?" "On your way home?" "Where on the way home?" "On the stairs?" "Great reception." "Listen, I gotta go." "Tess just got here." "And she's, uh..." "Bleeding." "Gotta go, bye, love you." "I just told him I love him!" "We haven't said that yet." "Should I call him back?" "Why bother, he'll be here in a second." "All right, where can we hide?" "Where can't we hide?" "Come on." "Oh, my God, my phone is in there!" "Marni..." "No." "I'm not being paranoid, Bowie." "Someone ransacked my apartment." "Or all your crap fell over again." "Hey, this skeleton with nunchuks is tight." "Can you turn my tattoo into that?" "Sure." "It's $500." "What?" "The original only cost me 80." "You wanna stick with the original?" "No." "Look, the easiest thing I can do is" "Pick something you like from this poster over here." "No, way, I don't trust those posters." "That's how I ended up with" ""fiery strength."" "Hey, what about this?" "It's got a lotta cool Chinese characters on it." "That's the lunch menu." "Shut up." " Hello?" " Hey." "You wanna come over?" "What?" " To your apartment?" " Yeah, now, come over." "I'll see you in ten minutes." "Hi, wanna go get pie?" "No, come in, I want you to see my place." "Why?" "I don't know, it just... it seems like it's time." "I mean, on the phone the other day you said you loved me." "Yeah." "Well..." "This is it." "Sorry, usually, I don't leave magazines out like this." "Croissant?" "This is not it, Nate." "What?" "This is not your apartment." "Where's your stuff?" "Where are the newspapers?" "The legal pads?" "The seven..." "I don't know what the hell they were." "Where is it, Nate?" "Huh?" "Where is it?" " How do you know about that?" " Oh, drop the act." "You know how I know." "Don't you?" "Someone was in here." "It was you." "You saw all that stuff." "That I don't have." "You do too have it." "You broke in here." "You broke into my apartment?" "Ha ha, I never said broke in." "How do you know that?" "Who's spying on who?" "Do do-do do" "Ha!" "I knew I heard that in here the other day." "That was you." "Hello?" "Yeah, Tess, I think he might be on to me." "I'll call you back." "You broke and you entered." "That's a felony, check the penal code." "I should have the other day." "I'm sure you had it in a pile somewhere before you cleaned up your apartment, you bastard!" "Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait." "Why are you mad at me?" "I cleaned my apartment for you." "That's a good thing." "And I might add, not a felony!" "But lying is." "No, actually, it isn't." "But it's a Commandment, right?" "Not really." "Well, it was one of the fireable offenses when I was a waitress at T.G.I. Friday's!" "Wait." "Can you please just, you know, get to the point here?" "Everyone's got clowns in their closet, Nate." "I've shown you all mine." "Wait." "There is only one clown, right?" "It's a figure of speech." "No, it isn't." "Look, Nate, if you have baggage, I wanna know about it." "If?" "Have you met me?" "Look, Marni, it's easy for you 'cause you tell everyone everything." "That's not true." "I have many secrets." "There's tons of things I don't tell." "Like?" "Like... did I ever tell you about my creepy uncle and his "puppet"?" "No, no, but..." "I did overhear you telling the guy at the muffin store!" "Look, Marni, you want me to be open?" "You wanna know everything?" "Fine, okay." "I spend hours looking in the mirror practicing my guitar face." "I lost my virginity to our cleaning lady on the second try." "There 4,268 steps between my apartment and yours, if you're walking full stride." "And if you're walking half stride, there's 9,528." "So what do you think?" "Does that sound fun to you?" "Do you want a piece of that action?" "Nate." "I have seen your apartment." "And you know what?" "I'm still here." "You shouldn't be ashamed... of most of it." "You're brilliant." "This apartment was you." "It was?" "Yes." "I said to Tess when we were in here that it was, like, standing inside of your brain." "Tess was here too?" "Oh, God." "If it helps, it didn't change her opinion of you." "But I actually found it kinda... sexy." "Really?" "Yeah." "Well, then..." "You are gonna be so hot for my bedroom." "You didn't get rid of it." "You just shoved it all in here?" "Oh, I love the fact that you really need serious help." "Hey, cool tattoo." "Thanks." "You know what it says?" "Yes, I do." ""Lemon chicken."" "Wow." "You must really like lemon chicken." "I do now."