"I don't ever wanna see you again." " Is that okay?" " No." "Not okay." "I'm having a shitty time right now." " No boyfriend, no job." " Oh, Hello." "I've never been this well in my life." "This is what it's like." "When the hunt is over." "Do you ever find that you are attracted to women?" "You know what's going on..." "And you're writting an ebook." "This is the best thing that's ever happened to me." "I've fucked Marnie." "You know you're moving out, right?" "Me?" " You're a ridiculous person." " And you're just a whore." "Where did you go?" "You won't answer your fucking phone?" "I don't think this..." " is working." " You're breaking up with me?" "My girlfriend's friend got engaged." "You have a girlfriend?" " I want you." " I love you." "I always have." "You really don't have to do this." "Stay right where you are." "I'm coming to you." "You are here?" "I was always here." "Hannah:" "I don't get why you won't just come to dinner." "You're gonna have to see her eventually." "Ray:" "Actually, no." "I won't." "I never..." "I never get when people say that." "We live in a huge sprawling Metropolis where it's very, very easy to avoid the person you don't want to see." " Forever." " Yeah, but that's so sad." "Why?" "Because we once shared true and stunning intimacies and now we're nothing more than strangers?" " Exactly." " That's not sad, Hannah." "That's called life, okay?" "Everything dies." "I don't want to hear about this again." "What's sad to me is the fact that you're still working here, muddying the waters of my new establishment." " That's sad." " You begged me." "You said I was your Squeaky Fromme." "Ray:" "I never used those words." " Hi." " Hi." "What are you doing here?" "I dropped my keys down a subway grate." " Oh, hey, ray." " New apartment is working out great." "Oh, great, great." "Great, good." "Yeah." "Did you meet my neighbor Nancy?" "She's a fuck..." " Hannah:" "You okay?" " She's a pistol." "Can I get the keys out of your pocket?" " I left the oven on." " What's going on?" "Natalia:" "Adam?" "Adam." " Who is that?" " I don't know." " Who is that?" " I don't know anybody here." "Well, you're not looking at them, so how can you know them?" "Fucking going." "Come over here." "Get over here." "Okay, well, she's coming over." "You big, tall, dumb slice of dog shit." "Hey, hey." "Hey, natalia." "Look at her." "Look at this angel." "Look what you did to her." "She looks good to me." "Very pretty." " She's changed." " I don't want to do this, okay?" "I don't want to do this." "Let's just go." "Oh, no, no." "We cannot go, no." "No, this man jilted you." "You, a Saint." "He said he loved you and then he just never called you again." "Yes, I know." "I know." "And I am..." "Very sorry about that." "I just didn't understand for, like, a few weeks, you know, that it had really happened." "I know." "I know." "And I'm sorry." "I just kind of thought that you'd come back with an explanation." "(Sighs ) I don't even know why I wanted one." "Our whole thing was so fucked anyway." " I just..." " Adam:" "I..." "I have trouble with confrontation." "Okay, well, maybe she has trouble being fucked like a piece of meat and being told that she's all you need." "All right, guess what?" "She's pregnant." "Okay?" "She's pregnant with your child." "What you put in her, it made a baby in her and now she's pregnant." "How does it feel to abandon your son?" " What?" " Yeah." "Feel it." "It's yours." "It's fucking yours." " That's right." " No, I'm not." " That's right." " Okay, I am not pregnant." " Angie:" "But you could be." " Fucking shit." "You completely could be impregnated by this donkey and he'd never know 'cause he fucking disappeared." " You are a donkey." " Okay, I think, Hannah, it's time for us to go." "Hannah?" "This is Hannah?" " This... this is Hannah?" " Did you leave in a rush?" "It's really nice to meet you, Hannah." "Hi." "Wow, so you know what you have on your hands here, right?" "You know?" "You know that you have an off-the-wagon neanderthal sex addict sociopath who's gonna fuck you like he's never met you" " and like he doesn't love his own mother?" " His own mother." "And then you're gonna turn around and cry, 'cause that's what you do." "Does he like to eat you out from behind?" "Does he bite your neck?" "Does he sound like a dying dog when he's fucking you and he shoots his cum" " all over the place like it's goddamn confetti?" " We're in public." " Fucking in my hair." " Babe, you're better than this." "I had to get a goddamn blowout after I left." "You know what?" "You're right." "Let's just get out of here." "You know what?" "I hope you two..." "You should just enjoy your urine-soaked life fucking like the two feral animals that you both are." "You're gonna end up with a baby that you don't know how to care for." " You're gonna fucking kill your kid." " It's gonna die." " You're gonna give it spoiled formula." " Dead." " Gross." " You're not gonna get any milk out of those tits." "I just hope that you two enjoy the fucking life that you've chosen." "And we, we're not paying the check." "Thanks." "And we're not paying the check." "Thanks." "Ray:" "It's on the house." "I really like that blonde one." "So feisty." "Feisty shiksa." "Evie:" "You don't understand how hard it is to get to this place." "I didn't get here overnight." "I did a lot of self work." "I did charity work." "I worked on my body." "I worked on myself." "You have to work hard to move on." "I am, okay?" "How do you not think I'm trying?" "I've changed my whole life." "I'm doing everything differently." "Why are you being like this?" "Why are you yelling at me?" "Because I am fucking sick of talking about him." "He is just the first of 20 guys who is gonna fuck you over." "That's just what guys do." "Why focus on this one?" "It's not like he was Liam Hemsworth or Ryan Gosling or Channing Tatum or, I don't know, Jan-Michael Vincent." "I thought I was gonna spend my life with him." "You of all people should know what that's like." "It's hard and it's scary." "We don't get scared." "That's not our style." "I gave you my middle name, Marie, because it has a legacy of strength and independence." "Yeah, you know what else it has?" "Only one letter differentiates it from my first name." "Which is really weird." "Mom, I go into the city to work every day at a job where I am respected." "I have friends." "I'm getting a new apartment." "I've already fixed everything." "(Laughs)" " Marnie:" "Yo." " Marn, where were you?" "I have a meeting." "I know." "I'm sorry." "It was my fucking mom." " Okay, I'm sorry." "I love you." " I love you, too." " I'm sorry." " Fine." "(Sighs)" "(Yawns)" "Hi, I'm Kelvyn and I'm an addict." "I'm having some issues with change." "You know, the first three years that I lived in New York, it was magic." "It was just pure magic." "I mean, it was like my block was like a Fellini movie." "But one that you would actually want to watch." "Just the characters that you would see." "I just miss the way that I would just go to the fucking corner to see what Brenda, the guy with the flattop, was doing, you know?" "And Brenda's not there anymore." "That whole world isn't there anymore." "They're all gone." "(Whimpers)" "Hey, hey." " It's not your fault." "(Kelvyn sobbing)" "Yes, it is." "It's my fault." "Jock:" "Mindy." "Mindy." "Let's touch with our hearts, not our hands." "(Chuckles)" "What does Kelvyn's share bring up for you, Jessa?" " Mm." " Nothing?" "No, just how awkward it is watching everyone try and get it up for each other." "This guy's crying because a froyo opened up on his block." "He's trying to think of the saddest thing he can think of and it's not that sad." "She's a bitch." "Mindy, try and stay in your experience." "Mindy:" "She's a bitch." "That's my experience." "(Laughs) That's good." "How long, Jessa, have you been using?" "What do you want, Jock?" "Do you want me to cry?" "Is that what you want?" "About how my dad has been in rehab 12 times?" "About how I don't even have his number?" "Or my mother, how she can't even go to the bathroom on her own?" "Or how alone I feel and without a life vest?" "Is that what you guys want?" "Because I can do it." "I'm really good at it, but it's really exhausting and boring." "And, by the way, I figured my shit out already when I was five years old, okay?" "Heroin is really fun." "But it can also kill you, okay?" " And Melvin over here..." " Kelvyn:" "Kelvyn." "Kelvyn over here is a dark horse of society." " Not in a good way, my friend." " Oh, fuck you." "Mindy:" "He's not a dark horse." "(Jessa laughs)" "Okay, let's talk about "Mindy Methface" over here." "Mindy enjoys wearing scrunchies." "No one has addressed that." "Scrunchies?" "I've never worn a fucking scrunchie in my whole life." "You want to wear them, though." "How come no one has talked about this guy and that he insists on being called "Phred" with a "ph"?" "Jock, are you just gonna let her do this?" "She's ruining everything." "She's running the group now." "She's in charge." "She's not running the group." "I'm sorry." "Shh." "(Groans) Jessa." "Jessa." "I don't know what else to say." "You're already on male ban." "Yeah, I know." "This sign makes it pretty clear." "Jessa..." "How do you think you're progressing here?" "You know, I think..." "I think I'm doing really good." "I haven't done drugs." "I've made some friends..." "Some really ugly friends..." "And I don't even mind." "You know, I'm only here because it's what my grandmother would pay for." "I do 60 days, and then she gets me a plane ticket and rent and, actually, these boots that I want." "They're called uggs." "They're from Australia." "That's terrific." "All right, get your foot off my desk and go." "This stuff is amazing." "It's fantastic." "You're really cranking on this." "I'm so glad you're happy with it." "And I'm also, it goes without saying, so glad you're not suing me." "Why didn't you tell me you were suffering from mental illness?" "That's something we can work with." "I guess I was embarrassed to tell you the truth." " You were embarrassed?" " Yeah." "You were embarrassed?" "You write about jerking a kidney stone out of some Puerto Rican Jew's dick" " and you're embarrassed?" "(Laughs)" "Okay, I see an inconsistency." " Seriously, this stuff is amazing." " Thank you." "Honestly, any dot-com you want to put it on is gonna be great by me." " But I am gonna work you on this." " Yes." " I'm gonna work you all night." " Yes." "Are you ready for that?" "Are you healthy enough?" " Fully. 100%." " You're not shitting me, right?" "I could not be more ready." "And this isn't like the manic thing I say right before I chop my ear off and send it to you in the mail and blame you for my death." "Did you just bite the cup?" "It's famous." "It's a trademark." "Try it." "That's what this place is famous for." "I've been drinking from a cup this whole time and I didn't know it was made of pure chocolate?" "(Laughs)" " Thank you so much." " You're welcome." " Oh, my God." "Hannah:" "So my editor says my writing is better than it's ever been, which is really exciting and amazing because it makes me feel like everything that's been so terrible and painful in the last few months was leading me to this point, you know?" "And it's amazing to realize that my only limitation is my own mind." "Like, I hold the keys to the prison that is my mind." "What would you say are the main stressors you're experiencing?" "Um, boring stuff like money." " Money?" " Money's a tough one because I still don't make enough and neither does Adam." "He can only contribute a very small portion to the rent." "You know, whatever he gets from his grandma and selling things he makes out of papier-mâché." "And what does he make out of the papier-mâché?" "Is that important for you to know?" "It could be." "It could be very important." "Well, I thought the session was more about me." "Does he ever make a house?" "Dogs?" "If you don't want to talk about it, perfectly fine." "Would you say that Adam's lack of financial success makes you unhappy?" "No, because he's like..." "He's not a traditional person, so he can't just be slotted into any job." "You know, you haven't met him, but it's just like that's not..." "That's not how he works." "Plus, he takes care of me." "In what sense?" "Let's see." "He makes sure I take my medicine." " Good." " He makes sure I eat protein." " That's very good." " He does this very kind of calming chant." "That's great." "I..." "I used to chant." "My...my chanting, actually, has gotten me through an awful lot of... things." "Okay, what was your chant?" "(Softly) It's very private." "Okay." "Yeah, so, it's been hard." "But I'm starting to recognize that while I am a victim of circumstances," "I have a sickness that someone else gave to me." "And when I remember that," "I don't want to huff lighter fluid anymore." "Mm." "Mm-hmm." "Thank you so much, Laura." "I can't tell you how brave you're being by sharing that." "Thank you." "I feel like you are using being molested as an excuse." "Excuse me?" "I'm really sorry that your Uncle fucked you, but at the end of the day, you know, we've all been through a lot." "We can't go around blaming other people for our shit behavior." "I just feel like you're being a bit whiny." "I don't really feel safe around her." "Mindy:" "So aggressive." "You're so aggressive." "Jessa, is there a way you can phrase this idea that relates to your own struggle a bit more?" "Yeah, you haven't once told us anything about how... what your feelings are about any of this." "You know?" "It's not fair." "You're exploiting the generosity that we've had with you showing our feelings when you haven't once said how you feel about how...you have feelings." "Yeah, I dare you to tell us how you feel." "Okay, I feel like Laura might be gay." "What the fuck?" "Hear me out, Laura, okay?" "You hated having sex with your boyfriend, even though he played hockey." "I never said that." "I never said that." "And your vest." "Fuck you, hairstyle." " Kelvyn:" "Jock, this isn't okay." " Mindy:" "Yeah, it's not okay." " Jock:" "Laura!" " She's not gonna come back." "You see what you've done?" "That's what we call "provocation."" "Kelvyn:" "Everything's ruined." " Laura!" " Get me a napkin." " Kelvyn:" "No." " Mindy:" "Don't give it to her." "Do you think that 16 tacos is enough for four people if I also get a big bucket of ice cream?" "Maybe I'll get two buckets of ice cream, 'cause Marnie's actually someone who eats more... (Groans)" "I don't want to do this." "Do what?" "Have dinner?" "Have your friends over." "I don't want to." "Okay, well, you agreed to it last week." "Yeah, because I didn't think it would actually happen." "You always bail on them." "I don't always bail on them." "They always bail on me." "Well, someone bails on someone." "Listen, if you want to see them, go see them." "But why do I have to be a part of it?" "Because you're my partner in life and love and I want you to be a part of everything I do on this earth." "But wouldn't you rather go to the taco and ice cream shop with your friends and come back and find me in a good mood rather than invade our place and get me all pissed?" "No." "No, I wouldn't." "I don't make you hang out with any of my friends." "You don't have any friends." "That's just fucking rude." "So is telling me you hate my friends an hour before they're supposed to walk through our door." "I don't hate your friends." "I'm just not interested in anything they have to say." "I'm not interested in anything they have to say." "That's not the point of friendship." "And earlier, natalia was saying that..." "Are you really gonna bring up what Natalia said?" "I'm sorry, okay?" "I'm sorry." "It's just we need some shared experiences." "Well, I'm not gonna change into a different person just 'cause you want me to." "You have too." "It's called "being in a relationship."" "So you say." "(Music playing)" " Are you allowed to smoke in here?" " I am." "How do you get them to leave you alone?" "I have a very respectable accent." "Yeah, but so do I." "You have the accent of a little girl who grew up somewhere between Heathrow and JFK." "My daughter's is similar." "How old is she?" "About your age, I guess." "Haven't seen her for a while." "Her mother hates me and she takes after her mother." "Do you know that today in group some dumb bitch threw coffee in my face?" "All because I told her that she's a lesbian." "I did her that favor." "I just got to it quickly rather than this bullshit of everyone tiptoeing around it and just told her she's a raging fucking dyke." "(Laughs) Dyke or no dyke, people have to come to things in their own time." "Now, you have to learn when honesty is righteous and when honesty is nothing more than a party trick." "You're a real shit for not knowing how old your daughter is." "Right, filtered through the kaleidoscope of your own daddy issues." " I do not have daddy issues." " Please, we all have them." "Now, periodically, if you can, take time to reflect on the daddy issues that your daddy had with his daddy and his daddy with his daddy and his daddy before him and every daddy that's been going on daddying before that daddy." "I know you know this." "You're quite wise." "You know nothing about me." "Wisdom comes from experience." "And I suspect you've had many, many experiences." "Too many, probably, for someone of your age." "I've had fun." "But it wasn't always fun, was it?" "No." " (Knocks)" " Yodels." "Yodels." "(Sighs ) What do you want?" "To apologize." " To me?" " Yes, you." "I don't want you to be mad at me." "I would hate if you hated me." "Okay, whatever." "And I'm sorry for your Uncle fucking you." "And I'm also sorry that you've been through a lot and I understand." "I said, whatever." "(Laughs ) I don't really need this in here." "I had a weird Uncle." "He was gay, but he also said a lot of awful things to me." "I was the first person he told that he had AIDS and I was five." "Did you know what AIDS was?" "Yes, and I don't know how." "But the point is is that I also feel like a victim." "Often." "I am a lesbian." "I think." "But I still don't like when people tell my business out in public." "And I don't like to frickin' play sports." "People always think "lesbians like sports."" "And it's like, what?" "I'm worried if I tell anybody, they're gonna ask me to do sports." "It's just...ugh." "Do you know how cool this is?" "It's like I bet the minute that you accept this, you won't ever want to do drugs again." "They were a placeholder for pussy." "(Laughs)" "Have you ever kissed a girl?" "Shoshanna:" "Basically, it's the beginning of a somewhat sexually adventurous time for me." "I'm alternating nights of freedom with nights of academic focus so that at the end of my senior year," "I will have had both experiences while also being super well-prepared for the professional world." "It sounds like a really good plan." "It sounds smart and strong and feminist." "What do you think, baby?" "Good plan, right?" "Yeah, yeah." "Yeah, no, I think..." "I think..." "I think what you think, pretty much." "Marnie:" "I think it's really smart." "If you can avoid love and feelings and matters of the heart and soul, you will be so much better off." "Adam:" "That's the saddest thing I've ever heard." "She's going through a breakup." "No, no, he's right." "It totally is." "I appreciate your candor, Adam." "I always have." "(Mutters) You're welcome." "I sort of feel like Charlie's gonna just materialize in a couple of months at some random fucking hospital and he's gonna turn out to be one of those people who has a brain tumor that makes him crazy" "like that dude who had a tumor that made him a pedophile." "And then once they medically remove it or whatever, he's gonna go back to being normal." "It's not impossible." "He could be the subject of the next Oliver Sacks book." "I don't think so." "I saw him." "You saw Charlie?" " Yup." " Why didn't you tell me?" "You know, it just didn't seem..." "We're not really friends." " Did you know?" " No." "He did not tell me that he ran into Charlie on Bedford Avenue." " Did he ask about me?" " Of course not." "Yeah, actually." "He said, "how's Marnie?"" "What did you say?" "I said, "She's good." "She's good." " She seems very clean."" " He said you had a new job." "He said you had a new boyfriend from Spain." "Did he seem like he had a girlfriend?" "You all look very gorgeous this evening." "Thank you so much, my love." "Why don't we have some chips?" "I didn't buy these chips for my health, you know what I'm saying?" "Marn." "I just..." "I'm so sick of crying because this whole situation makes no sense." "I mean, we bought the ingredients to make grilled pizzas and we were going to make grilled pizzas." "And the day we were supposed to do that, he left me." "On what fucking planet does that make any sense?" "Cheers to your fucking book, Hannah, really." "Thank you so much." "But, Marn, we're not gonna talk about my book right now." "This isn't the appropriate time to discuss my incredibly exciting professional endeavor." "No, it is the time." "It's totally the time." "We should also talk about how fucking good this taco is, huh?" "Am I right?" "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." "(Moaning )" "This is getting logged." "When I was 22, this Colombian girl dumped me." "She was both Colombian and went to the University of Columbia." "And she was beautiful and she was smart and she was related to Gabriel García Márquez." "And just as fast as we fell in love, she disappeared." "And I knew she had just used me." "You know, she was an intellectual and I was a thug." "And I just stared at the ceiling all day remembering the first time we fucked on my couch in Sunnyside after a rainstorm on a Thursday." "Hannah:" "Okay, I'm not a jealous person by nature, but I really hate this story." "He's telling an incredibly beautiful and romantic story." "Then one day after being fucked up for months, I realized something." "I didn't know her." "She didn't know me." "Just because I tasted her cum and spit or could tell you her middle name or knew what record she liked, that doesn't mean anything." "That's not a connection." "Anyone can have that." "Really knowing someone is something else." "It's a completely different thing." "And when it happens, you won't be able to miss it." "You will be aware." "And you won't hurt or be afraid." "Okay?" " Okay." " Okay?" " Okay." " Okay." "So I went down on fat gay Laura." "It was basically charity." "You have a pretty skewed view of the world, jessa." "Usually the more I get to know a person, the more sense they make to me, but not you." "Do you understand the implications your behavior has on Laura," " on your family..." " You know, you can't make things that mean nothing mean something." "Oh, wow." "Did you read that off a fortune cookie?" "Are you a sociopath?" "Are you a method actor researching a role?" "Well, congratulations." "You got yourself kicked out of rehab." "You did what you set out to do." "Are we done?" "(Adam moaning)" "(Moans)" "See, that wasn't so bad, was it?" "That was fucking great." "No, I mean with my friends." "It was such a successful dinner." "And I hate them so much more when I'm not in the same place as them." "And you were so sweet to Marnie." "She really needed it and I just felt like I know you." "No matter what your crazy ex-girlfriend says, I really know you." " Hey." " Yeah?" "I really don't want to see your friends for, like, three months." " Okay?" " (Laughs)" "I'm sorry, I just..." "I can't." "(Phone chimes)" "Who is that? "Unknown number"?" "I hate that." " Don't answer." " Hello?" "Hi, it's Jessa." " Jessa?" " Don't scream." "Relax, please." "Did you really just say "relax" to me?" "Is that really what you just did?" "Because, honestly, sometimes when you abandon someone and don't tell them where you are for months, it makes them feel pretty shitty." "So then to call and say, "Oh, please, relax... "" "I'm in rehab... in the middle of shitsville, nowhere." "That is so great." "Now I need you to come and get me." "What?" "What'd she say?" "I'm gonna place you on hold for a brief moment." "Baby, how old do you have to be to rent a car?" "♪ If you show up in my room with no clothes on, it's on ♪" "♪ if you try to bust me out with your bail bonds on ♪" "♪ it's on" "♪ we could go to L.A., we could drink Manhattans ♪" "♪ we can go to Chez jays, we can get old-fashion ♪" "♪ it's on" "♪ Billy told Mary told Tommy told Sue it's on ♪" "♪ Larry told Barry told me told you it's on ♪" "♪ I can only imagine we'd all be fine ♪" "♪ when you're dressed, when you're dressed to the nines ♪" "♪ it's on" "♪ try to bail me out" "♪ it's on" "♪ try to bail me out" "♪ it's on" "♪ try to bail me out" "♪ it's on" "♪ try to bail me out."