"All right, I want you to have a couple bites, all right?" "I think that you need to focus more on your academics." "No, she did all her homework before dinner." "Dressing, honey?" "Sure, thank you." "All right." "Sex has been a disaster for me my entire life." "Daddy?" "Mm-hmm?" "What's a blow job?" "I couldn't say "blow job" for ten years after that." "Let alone give one." "But I could still wonder about it." "Especially if it had anything to do with" "French-kissing Bobby Daples." "But even then, when it came to sex- total disaster." "By the time the bottle finally landed on Bobby, he must have watched me kiss over 100 boys." "I'm not kissing you." "You're a slut." "I didn't kiss another boy until my last year of college." "Promise it won't hurt?" "No, no, honey, it's not gonna hurt at all." "Really?" "Trust me." "It's gonna feel great." "You're gonna absolutely love this." "Okay." "Trust me." "I'm a little scared." "He dumped me the next day, and I finally accepted the harsh truth." "I sucked at sex." "Romance?" "That was a whole other story." "I gotta go." "Oh, come on." "You're torturing me." "It's gonna be worth the wait." "Honestly, I knew it wasn't worth the wait for either one of us, but as long as I was in the power position," "I was happy." "But there was one place where love was honest, selfless and eternal." "It was the closest I could come to succeeding in love... and sex." "I didn't just fall in love with watching them," "I fell in love with making them." "I could rearrange reality the way I wanted... and it was addictive." "Jody, this has to be, hands down, the best fucking sex I've ever had." "I can't believe you're a virgin." "That's impossible." "Two years later, I was graduating from NYU Film School." "And now for our final award." "Mr. Marshall, if you please." "Professor Emerich, thank you." "This year's special award for Best Student Film goes to..." "Jody Balaban." "Whoa, yes!" "Jody, where are you?" "Jody, wait!" "That's Garry Marshall up there, okay?" "Show him those lips are good for giving more than an acceptance speech." ""Pretty Woman," baby!" ""Pretty Woman"!" "Hi, here you go." "Hi, nice to meet you." "Hi, our friendly filmmaker." "Take a picture." "Who are these people?" "Oh, those are my parents." "Ah, for the parents." "It was the best day of my life." "The day I knew I was destined to do great things." "Hi, it's Jody Balaban calling again for Mr. Marshall." "Sure, I can call back in six months, but I'd really like to" "After a year in LA," "I realized the closest I'd ever get to directing was directing traffic." "I just wanted to drop my résumé off." "He gave me the Best Student Film award." "This is crazy." "I've sent out hundreds of copies of my script, my film and my résumé." "I've spent more money on postage than I have on my rent." "Mr. Marshall's office." "Hi, it's Jody Balaban for Mr. Marshall." "Wait, didn't you call yesterday?" "Yes, I called" "I'd answered ads for every job in this business and I can't get anyone to call me back." "Asshole!" "That asshole was the one that hit me!" "It was the fifth job I was fired from in a year." "But at least I still had my dignity." "Fuck!" "So what'd you think?" "It's even better than it was before." "Oh, really?" "Yeah, really, really." "Jody, it's hilarious, but you have rewritten this thing 100 times and you are still the only one that's read it." "You gotta get it out there, you know?" "You gotta get it read by somebody who matters." "I can't get anyone to return my calls." "You know that." "You have to network." "You have to go out and play the game." "I moved out here a month after you and I'm already working for Joel Metzger." "The hottest- Exec in town." "Yeah." "I know and that's different." "Why?" "Because I wanna break into producing?" "No, because you're blowing him." "I should just make the movie myself." "We could shoot it super low-budget." ""We"?" "You said yourself, it's a great script." "Yeah, Jody, but be realistic." "How are you gonna afford camera, lights, a crew, sets?" "I mean, you're broke." "I could sell my grandma's engagement ring." "That is a family heirloom." "Your parents would kill you." "All artists make sacrifices for their dreams." "Put your big dreams aside for a little while." "You're 24 years old." "Go on a date or something." "Good night, I love you." "I love you, too." "Who am I kidding?" "I'd love some romance in my life, but I can't afford to lose my focus." "Not now." "I just needed one yes." "Someone who'd give me a chance." "You have one new message." "Hi, honey, it's Mom." "I just finished your screenplay." "Oh, I just- I don't know what to say." "It's outstanding." "You have to call me." "Hey, how you doing?" "This is Gary calling from Irene Fox's office." "You answered our ad in the paper for the editor position?" "Irene was really impressed with your résumé and would love to meet you ASAP." "Yes!" "Hi, it's so nice to meet you." "Ow." "Oh, you too." "You just relax, sit down, hon." "Okay." "What a cute blazer, I love it." "I just wanted to say how excited I am to meet you and as much as I'd love the opportunity to be an in-house editor, what I really wanna do is be a filmmaker." "Oh, no, I know." "I saw your student film, it was very impressive." "You watched it?" "Yeah." "Thank you so much." "You have just this incredible female point of view, which is really gonna be a plus on Jeff's movie." "Jeff?" "Jeff Drake." "The director you'll be working with." "Oh." "You've never heard of him?" "I'm really embarrassed to say that I haven't." "How many films has he directed?" "Oh, not that many lately." "I'm gonna say four this year." "This year?" "Mmm." "Wow, that's incredible." "What's his best-known movie?" ""Charlie's Anals. " "Charlie's Angels"?" "No!" "Honey, you're cute." "No, "Charlie's Anals. "" "Shipped 20,000 copies last month." "Uh... uh..." "Oh." "Uh... oh." "Uh... oh!" "Oh, oh, oh, uh..." "This is- this is- this is- um..." "I'm" " I'm" " I'm" "This is a huge mistake, because I answered this ad in the "Daily Variety,"" "which said, "Up-and-coming production company seeks self-starters for a challenging editing position. "" "Well, we are up-and-coming." "I didn't mean it..." "I didn't realize that this was a porn" "No- uh, we do not use the "P" word here, honey." "The "P" word is passé." "It's adult entertainment." "Look, every single applicant I've interviewed for this job thinks it's a nine-to-five jack fest." "I want someone with real filmmaking talent." "You are a smart, young woman with an accessible point of view." "That's invaluable if we're gonna make it into the mainstream." "Don't get me wrong, nobody shoots sex better than Jeff Drake, trust me." "But he's a little out of touch with his romantic side." "And romance, that's what we need if we're gonna pull in the female demographic and make it onto the big screen." "It's gonna be on the big screen?" "In the top art-house markets." "Los Angeles, New York, Miami." "Miami- great." "My parents could see it." "Oh, good." "Look, I've..." "I've never even seen a porn" "Hey, no "P"" "Adult film." "Fabulous." "You'll have the fresh perspective we're so desperately in need of." "Why don't you keep it overnight, check it out, and I want your answer first thing in the morning." "All right." "Thanks, Jody." "Hi, this is Jody Balaban calling for Garry Marshall." "It's a matter of grave importance." "He's not available." "Can I take a message?" "Ahh!" "God, I would have loved to have seen your face, though, at a porn company?" "Little Miss Virgin lost in a bay of pigs." "I'm not a virgin." "Excuse me, when a girl's genitals become petrified, she's reclassified a virgin." "Beats sleeping with my married boss." "That's getting tired." "At least I'm willing to make a sacrifice for my art." "Sound familiar?" "I'm willing to do whatever it takes." "So am I, you know?" "I should just take that job at the porn company." "Even edit my movie there." "What movie?" "Hey, you must be Jody." "I'm Gary." "I'm gonna be your tour guide here at Grind and I figured we'd start at the editing room." "It's this way." "I'm actually head of tech support." "So, you know, if you need some technical help," "I would be..." "the technical guru." "Well, I haven't actually accepted the job yet." "Right, yes, I know, so..." "Of course." "This is just one of our small editing rooms." "This is not locked." "Well, here it is." "That's our logo." "Pretty cool, right?" "Well, I hope you take the job." "Actually be nice to have a pretty face like yours working here." "Thanks." "One that doesn't have a freakishly large penis jammed into it." "Oh, fuck me, that just popped out." "I'm so sorry, that was so terribly inappropriate." "Oh, fucking, just beat me with a baseball bat at this moment." "It's okay, it's okay." "I didn't mean to say that to you." "It's okay." "Thank you so much for the tour, but I really have to get going." "Why don't you just at least see the soundstage?" "There's a soundstage?" "We have a soundstage, yeah." "It's down this way." "Well, this is it." "Just shot "Gladiator" here." "He shot "Gladiator" here?" "Uh..." "Yeah, no, it's..." ""Glad He Ate Her. "" "Vagina." "I know, it's not" "Anyway, this was actually just a warehouse 'til Irene took over, now it's one of the busiest soundstages in town." "They actually shot 200 movies this year alone." "It's like a few movies a week." "If you can imagine..." "Action." "Action, action, action." "Cut!" "If you imagine it, y'know, they probably shot it here." "There's a fridge filled with film stock in the back and lighting and sound." "The whole nine yards." "This place has everything we need." "I couldn't have planned it any better- it's perfect." "I'll edit their porno movies during the day..." "Oh, my God." "...and make my movie at night." "What if we get caught?" "We won't get caught." "If we shoot a few hours every night after everybody leaves the building, no one will ever have to know." "We could wrap the movie in under a month." "An editing job?" "Oh, honey, I'm so happy for you." "I knew if you would call Garry Marshall" "I knew that would be the answer." "And full benefits, you said?" "I got everything." "Even a parking space." "It's about time you have a respectable job, Jody." "Something worthy of your talents." "Honey, what else has the company done?" "Because you know what we're gonna do?" "We're gonna rent every movie they ever did from Blockbuster." "No, you can't." "They're an up-and-coming company." "They're just getting off the ground." "Even better." "You'll grow with the company." "It's like I've always said." "Just because it's Hollywood doesn't mean you have to sell your soul." "All you need are talent and connections, then you can look any producer square in the eyes and tell him with dignity to" ""Fuck me in the ass!" "Harder, harder, oh, baby!"" "Who's line is it?" "Oh, oh..." ""Oh, yeah, take that black dick." "You like that big black fucking dick?"" "Yo, idiot, that's my line." "Yeah, you just slap my ass." "Where does it say that?" "Stage directions, Dick." "They're called stage directions." "Oh." "Okay, right here." "Okay, Jody, why don't you read those for us." "Me?" "Yeah, right here." "Thank you." "Uh... okay." ""He grunts as he spreads her wet..." "He inserts his rock-hard cock... "" "You know what, I'm just the editor." "Can she read them?" "You'll have that by Thursday." "Oh, hi, guys." "Marty's just finished the new draft of the script." "Hopefully you can have it all memorized by Monday." "Monday?" "Uh-huh." "I'd rather throw in a DP for free." "DP." "That's director of photography, right?" "The double penetration." "What's a double..." "Yeah." "Yes!" "ATM is still in here." "Please tell me that ATM is automated teller machine." "It is, it is, yeah." "It's also "ass to mouth. "" "Okay, there we go." "Hot!" "The coffee's just really hot." "I thought it was rather tepid." "Hey, everyone." "Jeff!" "Hey, Jeff." "Sindi." "You must be my new editor." "Oh, yes, Jeff, this is Jody, your new right hand, huh?" "Oh, fantastic." "Hi." "Hi." "Ha!" "Jody, you don't wanna be his right hand." "Maybe she does." "Okay, before it gets gross, I'm gonna go." "Have a good read." "All right, everyone, let's read that new scene." ""Oh, baby you're giving me a hard attack-"" "No." "Dress." "No, okay, dress, sorry." ""Oh" ""Ooh, ooh, baby." "That dress is giving me a hard attack. "" "Maybe no is my dress." "Maybe it's my body." "I cur-vacuous girl." "Not "vacuous. "" ""Vaceous," curvaceous." "What mean "vacuous"?" "It means you're vacuuming." "Oh, God, this piece of shit!" "I mean, come on, Marty." "Really, is this the best you can do?" ""Hard attack"?" "I mean, how many times do I have to tell you, we're not making another wall-to-wall piece of crap?" "We're making a movie." "A movie to play in a movie theater." "Do you know the difference, Marty?" "Yeah, the viewer can't fast-forward to the fucking." "Oh, that's funny." "You just threw my scripts in the trash." "Marty, you're fired." "Who the hell do you think you are, Drake?" "Orson fucking Welles?" "Y'know, go fuck yourself." "And fuck your little fantasy about making a real movie with this pathetic bunch of clowns." "Get the fuck out of here!" "Hey, I heard you went to Dartmouth." "I went to MIT." "How do people like us end up here?" "Ah, yes, it would be Karma." "I spent my entire adolescence whacking off to porn and now" "I know I'd rather watch gall bladder surgery on Discover." "Not to whack off to." "No, that would- that would be gross." "I don't do that." "You're over here, so..." "I believe you." "Oh, this is my editing room." "It's pretty sweet, right?" "Only the best for my new editor." "Gary, you mind giving us a minute?" "Yeah, you got it, pal." "Have a seat." "Irene showed me your student film and I loved it." "Especially the writing." "Thank you." "I have a proposition for you." "You help me rewrite Marty's piece-of-shit script, and I will double your salary." "What do you say?" "Irene hired me as an editor." "Yeah, now you've been promoted." "You'll be my editor and my writer." "I really don't think I'm gonna have the time." "No, listen, this could be a huge opportunity for you." "I want this film to be released in an art house." "It's a movie about a bride who willingly gets gangbanged before her own wedding." "That's true, that is true." "Good writing will legitimize it, get people to pay attention." "But in the meantime, I need to make sure you can handle cutting hard-core." "What's this?" "That's the star of my movie, Bliss." "It's a trial run of her opening." "I think of that as a little test drive for my editor." "Fine." "What's to test?" "Fuck me, you little piece of shit!" "Yeah, I'm gonna come!" "Oh, the hell you are!" "You don't make me come first," "I'm gonna yank your little dick off." "Oh, my God." "You want it, Bliss, huh?" "Yeah." "I'm gonna give it to you, you dirty, little fucking slut!" "I am a dirty fucking slut!" "You're a slut." "You're a slut." "Jody is a slut." "Remember junior high, dreaming about Bobby Daples?" "Even then your little hoo-ha was on fire." "Oh, no, I'm thinking about Bobby's pee-pee during my own Bat Mitzvah." "It's fucking priceless." "Now look at you." "Hiding behind your work so you don't have to deal with the sweaty complications of real life." "Just remember, wherever you go, there you are." "Oh, Bliss, I'm gonna come!" "Of course I have needs, but I'm not about to give my body over to some man who's only interested in me giving him a blow" "Okay!" "Thank you so much." "That's- that'll be all." "How old was she, 12?" "No." "How many more girls do we have left?" "Reading for Katie?" "Just one." "That's it?" "Brandi Snow, why don't you come in?" "Hi." "I love your script." "It's so funny." "Actually, I didn't write it, the director did." "She'll be in in a minute." "Do you wanna come in?" "Okay." "Ow, what is your problem?" "That's Sindi." "It's one of the porn stars from Grind." "Wait a second." "Brandi Snow is her real name and Sindi's her porn name?" "Just read her and get her out of here." "Okay." "I'm gonna come." "On it, not in it!" "Fucking slut!" "Hey, I got you some coffee." "Thanks." "What'd you think of Bliss?" "She is something else." "Yeah, yeah, she's a force of nature." "A woman who's totally in touch with her sexuality, no excuses, no apologies." "And you're gonna be spending a lot of time with her." "Here." "What's this?" "Directions to my house." "I'm having a party tomorrow night before our first day of shooting." "I'd like for you to come up and get to know the talent as people, not just scary sex machines." "Thanks for asking, but I can't." "Oh, I'm not asking." "I'm highly suggesting." "Just ignore how handsome Jeff is when you see him, okay?" "We only have to stay for a couple of minutes." "Okay." "Oh, my God." "Excuse me, don't I know you?" "Oh, no, I don't think so, no." "Did we do that strap-on scene in Brad's kitchen last week?" "No." "Wait, wait, you- you're that girl I auditioned for." "Oh, right." "What is she doing here?" "Kathleen is my best friend." "We went to film school together." "You- you have to read her script." "It is so awesome." "You really think so?" "Yeah, I mean, I know I'm not right to play Katie, but what I wouldn't give to be in that movie." "You wanna be a real actress?" "It's been my dream since- since I was a kid." "So then why are you doing porn?" "'Cause it's tough trying to make it in Hollywood." "It's not like I'm gonna do it forever." "And then I have this hot body, so it's like God telling me to do porn." "You just have to believe in yourself." "That's what my mom always tells me." "I love this song." "I gotta go, bye!" "Shake it, girl!" "I'm gonna go find the bathroom." "Oh, God, hurry." "So we all came in a martini glass and then the chick swallows it." "She takes the olive and then she bites down on that." "And that's the end of the movie." "I've been dating that girl from the 101 and I just" "I don't even know if I like her." "I don't know- how can I tell?" "You know what I do?" "If I really like a chick..." "I jack off to her." "I think all kind of little nasty shit that I wanna do to her, just the prolonged one, not the quickie one, and then when I nut, if I still have any sense of emotion for her," "I call her." "What happens after you nut if all you wanna do is text her?" "It's about time you got here." "Is this yours?" "Hell, no, that's- that's Jeff Drakowski's." "You're Jeff Drakowski?" "The Jeff Drakowski that directed "Mystic Shadows"?" "You might be one of ten people who's actually seen that movie." "I love that movie." "It's full of so much nuanced Romanticism and harsh social insights, it" "It's a pretentious piece of crap that couldn't pay my phone bill." "But thanks for the compliment." "Art isn't about making profit." "It's about making a human connection." "Fuck art." "Porn is about making a human connection." "How can you say that?" "Aren't you just romanticizing your cynicism?" "You'll understand after a few months of Grind, believe me." "I'm not gonna be there that long." "Then why'd you take the job?" "Come on, Balaban, you can tell me." "Why are you really working at Grind?" "You're supposed to say to work alongside the great Jeff Drake." "All that nuanced Romanticism crap." "Enjoy the party." "Americans have such fascination with asshole." "I know one girl, she fit two men and one cucumber in her butt." "How do you call this?" "When a guy pull out and hole stay open like this?" "It's called gaper, yes?" "Oh, thank God." "Where were you?" "I can't believe I know what a gaper is." "Jeff Drake is Jeff Drakowski." "Who?" "Jeff Drakowski." "You remember that amazing film that Emerich showed at orientation, "Mystic Shadows"?" "Are you sure it's the same guy?" "Yes." "Jody, hey, you made it." "Who's your pretty friend?" "That's terribly tacky- I just said that, didn't I?" "I'm sorry, I didn't wanna say you were pretty." "Not that you're not pretty, I think you're very" "I'm still doing it right as I speak to you?" "Someone, if you have a baseball bat, now is the time." "Gary." "Yes." "This is my best friend Kathleen." "Kathleen, Gary." "Hello, I'm Gary." "She just said that twice." "Now it's three times." "Hi." "Hi, Gary." "Pleasure." "It's very nice to meet you." "You, too." "So, hey, should we get going?" "You guys should go." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Jody, it's totally cool." "I'm very used to rejection, that's why I sleep with hookers." "What?" "Yes, it's true." "I lost my virginity to a hooker and it's been about 500 bucks a month ever since." "And I just said that to both of you." "Well, I totally relate." "I lost my virginity to my best friend's stepdad, and it's been a series of married assholes ever since." "Really?" "Can I freshen your drink up?" "You wanna have another one?" "I don't know, I'm just talking out loud again." "Okay." "Great, Jody, you" "Thank you, okay." "And whenever you're ready." "Ted was the one I waited for." "He betrayed me." "But worse than that, he betrayed my idea of romantic love." "Richard, I can't have sex with you." "Katie, just say yes." "No." "Oh, my God, that was amazing." "You guys were awesome." "Making a movie!" "Hi, honey." "Okay, tell me, has there been any reaction to the script?" "Actually, I'm pretty close to getting it made." "Oh, honey, I'm so excited" "Oh." "APS!" "I think I have a delivery." "Okay, I'll hang on." "I'm gonna call you right back." "Where's Jeff?" "I can't believe he sent a basket of dildos into my apartment." "Jeff!" "Shh, what are you doing?" "It's the first day of Jeff's movie." "Come on." "Cut!" "That's one hour for lunch, guys." "Let's make sure we clean up the set." "Great first day, everyone." "Sindi, no beans." "No beans at lunch." "See you tomorrow, Jeff." "Oh, I see you got my gift basket." "Is..." "little Jody Balaban all set for her first day at school?" "That's not funny." "I'll check in with you later." "Hey." "Thanks for introducing me to Kathleen." "I'm so glad that it worked out." "It did." "You know, she's actually the first normal girl" "I've dated since high school." "I mean, she's still gonna run me like 500 bucks a month but at least I get dinner and a movie with my load." "That is an awful thing to say." ""I owe you" is really- is all I really wanted to say." "I'll see you in a bit." "Irene." "Gary." "Oh, hey, how's the footage looking?" "I am just about to get started." "Excellent." "Y'know, I think you and Jeff are gonna make a great team." "By the way, I want you to come to me and tell me what you think." "I really respect your opinion." "Okay, Irene, I actually have a question." "Sure." "Don't you ever have any issues with working here?" "No." "So paying women to have sex doesn't bother you?" "Well, I pay men, too." "Actually, I pay the men a lot less than" "I pay the women, but shh." "Action." "Oh, that's fabulous, Bliss." "Baby..." "Come on, I want it more." "Come on, I want it more." "I love it, baby." "Give it to me." "Oh, come on, baby." "Come on, I want it more." "More, baby." "I love it, baby." "Yes!" "Give it to me." "Give it to me." "All right, Bliss, oh, that's great." "Now touch yourself." "Not so hard." "Lick your lips." "That's right, excellent." "Spread your legs." "Go ahead, Balaban, touch yourself." "I know you want to." "Really..." "fantastic." "Oh, you're so sexy." "That's right, touch yourself." "Oh!" "I'm proud of you, baby." "You're finally letting yourself enjoy this." "I'm not enjoying myself." "I feel so pathetic." "You're hardly pathetic." "Come on." "Starting tonight you're gonna be making your own movie." "Yeah, and look at the price I have to pay." "Shh, shh!" "Hey, Jody, where do we go?" "Shh, around the back!" "Come and get us!" "Wait, Kathleen, are we not supposed to be here?" "Of course not." "We just don't wanna wake up the neighbors." ""On the Virge," take one." "Roll sound, rolling." "Marker." "Action!" "Richard, if you love me, you'll wait." "A relationship isn't just about sex." "It's okay, Katie." "I'll never give up on you." "And cut!" "That was awesome, that was so great!" "Ready?" "Next set up, let's move." "Are we still rolling?" "Action!" "Roll sound, rolling." "Action!" "Oh, I love it!" "Action!" ""On the Virge. "" "All right, come on, people, let's go." "We're behind schedule, keep moving, keep moving." "Roll sound." "Action." "Action." "And cut!" "Jesus, Jody, this is our fucking craft services?" "We work on your movie for free and you can't even get us a lousy fruit platter?" "Who's this fucking guy?" "And here I thought I'd surprise you, Jody." "I gotta admit, Jody." "I am impressed by your" "Oh, what is that word I'm looking for?" "Gall... audacity." "How about perseverance?" "No." "No." "Unfortunately for you, honey," "I run a business, not a film school." "You are so lucky I'm not gonna fire your sneaky ass." "Wanna know why?" "Because you know how hard it is to be a woman in this business?" "No, that's a good one." "I love- no." "Because you're gonna rewrite Jeff's movie." "Gratis." "That means for free." "Oh, and one more thing." "From now on, you pay for your own film stock." "I can't afford to pay for my own..." "You're gonna let me shoot my movie here." "We got "Fat Fanny's Fannies" coming in at the end of the month- you've got three weeks." "Thank you so much!" "At least we won't have to be sneaking our actors in and out, right?" "What actors?" "The ones that ran like the wind the second they realized this was a porn studio?" "How did they find out?" "I don't know, maybe it was the butt plug Angie sat on." "Hey, hey!" "Hi!" "Do you have my bag?" "Jody?" "Jody?" "The thing is, we can only shoot at night and on the weekends, so you have to be able to balance your schedule with Jeff's movie during the day." "Oh, my God." "No problem." "Now you're gonna have two scripts to memorize so that means cutting out pretty much all of your extracurricular activities." "You mean like carbs and stuff?" "Jody." "What are you doing?" "Whatever it takes." "Holy shit, Jody." "These people can't act." "Especially in a film about a virgin holding out for her wedding night." "You said yourself that Sindi was really good." "Okay, well, what about the other two castaways from the SS Suck and Fuck?" "Don't be mean." "We don't have a Katie." "Who's gonna play your virginal lead?" "We'll place another ad." "You think you're gonna get a real actor to play alongside these freaks?" "Look, I'm not blowing Joel anymore, okay?" "Which means that I have to be super sharp at work, which means that I can't work all day and stay up all night producing a film starring people who think that "character depth"" "is a vaginal reference." "That's a lucky pickle." "If you can't do it, I understand." "But I have one chance... and I'm gonna take it." "All right, we start rehearsing tonight, and then the second we find our Katie, we start shooting." "I'll put a casting session together for tomorrow." "This is gonna take a miracle." "You're sure you wanna do this?" "Hey." "Come on in." "Okay, so after the Jacuzzi scene," "Dick should just say to Bliss, really vulnerable," ""I've never loved anyone like this before. "" "No." "Why not?" "They just had great sex." "No man should ever tell a woman that he loves her after the first time they've had sex, okay?" "It's not his truth." "He's in some sort of state of euphoria." "That's not love." "Maybe in your world." "Yes, the real one." "Well, then what world do I live in?" "The not-real one." "This is why we can't write together." "Look, he just needs to say something unexpected." "You know, not some sort of saccharine-laced sweet cliché." "Since when has saying "I love you" been a cliché?" "Look, get over him, Balaban, okay?" "Who?" "The guy who treated you so badly you think every penis is a loaded gun aimed straight at your heart." "Is that a line you want in the script?" "Because if it is, don't you think it's a little bit obvious?" "I'm just hoping a little honesty will inspire you to write from your heart, that's all." "Blackmail gets you my time and my skill." "Not my heart." "I'll polish this turd, that's it." "All right, okay." "What are you doing?" "I'm gonna take a Jacuzzi." "Why, what were you expecting?" "Sure you won't join me?" "Do you have a certificate of disinfection?" "What is that supposed to mean?" "Like, how many girls have I done in here?" "How about you, Balaban?" "Why aren't you dating anyone?" "I work 9:00 to 5:00 watching people sit on each other's faces." "What am I gonna talk about on a date?" "How to get ass-cheek impressions off of your chin?" "That would definitely break the ice." "I just wanna say how much I appreciate all of you guys being here and committing to this project, and if you have any questions, please don't hesitate to ask me, okay?" "I'm so excited!" "I have question." "You say Katie no have sex, but then you say she "sell butt. "" "No, I wrote that she's celibate." "It means that she doesn't have sexual intercourse." "Oh, only in the ass." "You don't have to worry about it, Kato, okay?" "Mila." "My real name Mila." "Kato is porn name." "Okay, Mila." "If it's better, you call me by my character name." "Janet, okay?" "Yeah, Janet." "I'd like to be called by my character's name." "Richard." "Isn't "Dick" short for "Richard"?" "Whose dick is short?" "No, dummy, the nickname." "No." "Dick Short's not a good nickname in our line of work." "Jody, I think we found our Katie." "Okay, I'll be right back, guys." "Maybe go over your lines together?" "Oh, awesome." "Okay." "Um, all right, you start." "Ted was it." "The one I waited 21 years for." "And he betrayed me." "But worse... he betrayed my idea of romantic love." "That was amazing." "Oh, thanks." "We just have one question for you, Laura." "Sure." "How would you feel if we told you that we were shooting this at an adult-film company?" "Like a porn company?" "No, the "P" word is passé." "It's an adult-entertainment company." "And we're not shooting for one, we're shooting at one, and that's just because we got a great deal on their equipment." "Gosh, I mean, it's not really my first choice, honestly, but..." "I really need this shot." "Great!" "We start tonight." "So I got the part?" "Yes." ""A" mark." "Action." "Richard, if you love me, you'll wait." "A relationship isn't just about sex." "I promise you, once I'm ready to give myself to you, you will have me forever." "It's okay, Katie." "I'll never give up on you." "But one day, you'll have to learn to thrust me." "Cut." "Okay." "It's "trust me," not "thrust me. "" "Shit!" "It's okay." "We're working on my movie now, not Jeff's." "Sorry." "Take five, everyone." "You know, you did such a great job." "Oh, thank you." "Oh, I'm so glad you said that." "I was so worried that I was playing Katie a little too... indecisive." "Why would you think that?" "Well, because she's just so in touch with her feelings and with herself and the way she can control her desires, even with the right guy." "She doesn't know that Richard's the right guy yet." "That's why she's holding out to sleep with him." "You know, it's a trust issue for her." "But hasn't she known Richard for years?" "Yeah." "Oh." "So you're saying that Katie's trust issues are with herself." "Huh." "You're brilliant." "So I just saw your cut of the wedding orgy and you stay on the faces about 90% of the time." "That 90% is what's gonna get this film out of the outhouse and into the art house." "No, that 90% is what's gonna send men running out of the theater, demanding a refund." "Now, the first rule in cutting adult film is no reactions to the action, okay?" "The only faces I wanna see are either buried in a bush or impaled on a cock." "That's so charming." "Mmm." "You're sending me mixed messages here." "I thought you hired me because you wanted to raise the bar." "I do." "I just don't wanna lose my hard-on reaching for it." "It's not about your hard-on." "It's about giving women what they need." "What they need is an emotional connection and plot and character and story, not some sort of onslaught of gynecological close-ups where you don't know whose tits go with what ass." "Okay." "Look, I agree." "The story is important- it is." "And you're doing a great job, but it's still an adult film, and at the end of the day, the sex... is inevitable." "I agree." "It's just that women need an emotional connection to get turned on." "Mmm." "What are you doing?" "Where are you taking me?" "To see if this is true." "What?" "That women need an emotional connection to be turned on." "Oh, I don't wanna go in there!" "Yes, you do." "And you are gonna watch me shoot all day long if that's what it's gonna take for me to get through to you, okay?" "All right." "Got it?" "I want it." "Give it to me, Bliss." "Oh, you're so fucking hot." "Oh, fuck!" "Oh, God, I'm coming!" "Oh, oh, oh..." "Excellent, that's a cut." "That's a cut." "Yeah!" "Whoo!" "Hey, Jode." "I just wanna tell you how stoked I am that you gave me a chance to be in your flick." "You're welcome." "Sorry about the chubby." "Marker." "Can you feel me?" "Do you feel Jake, baby?" "Huh, do you feel me, baby?" "Tell me how you feel!" "Come on, tell Jake how you feel, baby!" "Tell me you feel it!" "Tell me!" "Yo, what the fuck?" "Come on, baby!" "Come on!" "12 inches." "What the fuck is going on?" "God damn it." "Starting tonight, you work around my schedule, all right?" "I don't want you using any performer that works for me the next day." "Is that funny, is that funny?" "No." "You think that's funny?" "No." "Well, good, I'm glad you suddenly have the night free, 'cause we have an ending to write." "Cancel your shoot tonight." "So I'll tell you what's not working for me." "We have a move about a bride who screws the entire guest list before her wedding and her husband's, like, totally cool with it." "I think Dick should be really torn up about it." "He really- he really loves Bliss." "What do you think?" "Well, I think you type a lot faster without that huge rock on your finger." "Where is it?" "Why aren't you wearing it?" "It was my grandmother's engagement ring." "And I sold it at a pawn shop to pay for my film stock." "You're kidding." "Well, I admire your passion." "Thank you." "Yeah." "I'm gonna go use your restroom." "What are you reading?" "I'm reading your screenplay." "That's really private." "Well, so is my medicine cabinet." "I actually really liked it." "How many pages did you read, five?" "I understand Katie's dilemma." "Not trusting men after being dumped by Ted." "Why risk heartbreak when the reward is so small?" "The truth is, I think she's really just afraid that she's a lousy lay when that is most likely not the case." "She just... hasn't found the right match." "Where you going?" "I have to put an end to this day." "But what about our ending?" "I'm all blocked up." "¶ Good night my baby ¶" "¶ You'll be sleeping ¶" "¶ While I pray ¶" "¶ The dark is fading ¶" "¶ I'll return ¶" "¶ When you awake ¶" "¶ And I can see the stars ¶" "¶ By the light of day ¶" "¶ In need of something ¶" "¶ Feel my body ¶" "¶ Levitate ¶" "¶ Whoo oh-oh-oh ¶" "Yo, Jody!" "Jody, wake up!" "It's me, wake up!" "Ow!" "Jody?" "Wake up, Jody." "Hi." "Hey, guys." "What are you doing here?" "You forgot us meet rehearsal." "So you came all the way over here?" "Look, Jody, this is really important to us and we need you to focus." "We're here to act." "Are you up for this?" "Yeah, come in." "Okay, this part right here, where Katie still won't bone Richard, even though we know she's dying for it?" "I don't get it." "That's called delayed gratification." "More like blue balls." "I'm sure, Sindi, there was some guy, right, and you really liked him, but you didn't want him to think that you were easy, so you played hard to get." "Katie really likes Richard." "She just thinks that things that are worthwhile are worth waiting for, that the struggle in life is what's exciting and that if Richard really proves that he really cares about her and waits... that then he's showing her her worth" "and how special he thinks she is." "And then, she wants to give him everything." "Don't you wanna give a man everything?" "I do." "Every day I do that." "That's because... you're so much more generous than she is." "She just... she's generous later." "You're freaking me out, Jode." "I mean, sex is awesome." "I can't believe I get paid to do it." "Yeah." "Charlie, cue." "Action." "Oh, yeah!" "Holy shit." "Just like I suspected." "It was a dream." "A very wet dream, huh?" "Shut up." "I can't." "You won't let me." "You won't let Jeff either." "That man has you pinned to a "T."" "Of course, that's one of the reasons your falling for him, isn't it?" "I wouldn't touch him with a 10-inch pole." "It's 10-foot pole, not inch." "No doubt the man is hung, but let's not go overboard." "Not that you'll ever find out." "Just you wait and see." "Hey." "Hey." "I watched the honeymoon gangbang last night, and I love how you cut to the men waiting for their turn." "I've never really seen it from that perspective before." "You liked it?" "Yeah, it was hot." "I thought it was hot, too." "Not that my opinion matters." "Okay, Marilyn, you're done in there." "And I think I'm done, too." "You know how to do this stuff?" "Yeah." "Good, okay." "Jode..." "bye anyway." "What's with the wet spot?" "What?" "The wet spot on your pants?" "I'm talking about your knee." "I skinned it when I fell out of bed this morning." "Well, let me get you a Band-Aid." "We have a little scraped-knee First-Aid kit here." "Okay." "Let's see what we got here." "Oh, yeah, that's a real doozy." "Thank you, Dr. Drake." "Or is it Drakowski?" "It almost was Dr. Drakowski." "Yeah, no kidding." "UCLA, premed." "Let me guess, gynecology?" "Wow, you're relentless." "So what happened between the world of MD and the world of DP?" "Being a doctor was my dad's idea, so I abandoned that as soon as I could, and then there was a brief period as a hot independent filmmaker, which won me many awards, no jobs and a huge amount of debt," "which led me to my journey into the deep, dark underbelly of Hollywood, the porn industry, which wasn't all that different from Hollywood after all." "But none of that seemed to matter in the eyes of my father, who'd rather have me die in a car accident than become- how'd he put it?" "A sleazy pornographer." "That's a pity." "You are so talented." "Jesus Christ, Balaban." "I mean, don't you get it?" "No one cares." "No one gives a shit." "And you know what?" "They can all go and kiss my fuckin' ass." "Because I've got the money they wanna spend and the girls they wanna f" "Thanks for the Band-Aid." "Where are you going?" "If you must know, our alma mater is having a gathering for poor loser film-school alum like myself." "Guess my invitation must have been lost in the mail." "For a second there," "I was gonna invite you to go with me." "And be sneered at by a jury of my peers?" "No thank you." "Great, I already see three guys" "I went down on in film school." "That's nothing, I see like six girls I would have whacked off to before I met you." "Freak." "Slut." "Hi, could I have a glass of red wine, please?" "Jody Balaban." "Professor Emerich!" "Hi!" "My..." "God, you look fantastic." "How is that Best Film Award holding up?" "It's good, it's on my coffee table." "You know, I called Mr. Marshall." "I told him to keep an eye out for you." "You know, I tried calling him and it's been really impossible." "Nothing is impossible, my dear." "Let's go to my room." "I'll call him right now." "Oh, Kathleen!" "I'll be back!" "Jody Balaban." "Hey, Brett." "How are you?" "I'm good, how are you?" "My agent's just set me up to direct a Nike commercial." "Can you believe it?" "Well, it's a start, right?" "Anyway, it's better than working the daily Grind." "Who told you?" "It's a small town." "You do have to laugh at the irony, though." "The promising Jody Balaban cutting cock for a living." "I cannot fucking believe that you just did that." "You royal bitch." "Your highness." "I believe you've missed a spot." "Now, why don't we cut the part where I break your nose?" "Now run along." "Unless you wanna direct your Nike commercial through a wired jaw." "What are you doing here?" "Ah, morbid curiosity." "About who'd be here?" "No." "About what you'd be wearing." "Come on, let's get out of here." "Jeff." "Hey, man." "What's he doing here?" "Getting the hell out of here before" "Drakowski!" "Professor Emerich." "I'm surprised to see you here." "How's the nut sack?" "See, I kicked the good professor in the balls." "When was that?" "Four years ago?" "Drakowski wasn't keen on being called out for his great contributions to the cinematic world of porn." "Actually, I wasn't too keen on you hitting on my wife." "Well, apparently, the poor woman had no idea what kind of movies her husband actually made for a living." "Yes, but thankfully, you told her." "Such a waste, Drakowski." "Taking advantage of desperate women looking for work." "Kind of like using your credentials to fuck them in your hotel suite, Professor?" "I'll be happy to tell Mr. Marshall you've made quite the career change." "Why don't you tell his secretary I say hello?" "Here you go." "So she really didn't know you directed porn?" "Yeah, it's true." "How is that possible?" "I was too embarrassed to tell her that I couldn't make a living as a filmmaker, so I lied." "I mean, she was content believing I was making a half-million dollars a year doing industrials." "Well, what happened after she found out?" "Well, naturally, she assumed I was lying about everything else, including fidelity." "Or so she told the judge." "But she's recovering nicely now in a house overlooking the Pacific." "I'm sorry, Jeff." "Thanks, Jody." "Are you looking for attention?" "What kind of attention?" "The kind you can relish rebuffing." "The kind where the slimy creature from the black Jacuzzi rises from the depths, starts to lower your strap, drooling over your innocent, pert breasts while he moves in for the fateful kiss... closer and closer... and closer." "I'm just kidding with you, Balaban." "You think I'm gonna prove you right about the big, bad porn director?" "You think I'm gonna fall into that trap?" "Come on, you gonna stay in there all night or we actually gonna get some work done?" "I can't take these games anymore." "If you don't trust me, there's no point to even getting married." "I have to move on." "It's a cut!" "So can we move on now?" "I think I need another one." "Um... excuse me, can I talk to you a minute?" "Of course." "I know Katie is supposed to put up a good fight and all, but when is enough enough?" "Well, that's Katie's dilemma." "She really wants to sleep with Richard, but she doesn't want him to think that she's a slut." "Um... but she loves Richard and how is it if she's acting on her true desires, that that makes her a slut?" "If she really, really wants to be intimate with him, why doesn't she?" "She trusts him, she loves him." "She desires him." "Why can't she just be with him?" "Jody, the camera's ready." "I'm gonna do a quick rewrite on the scene." "All right, let's rock and roll." "So I don't wanna have sex?" "You do wanna have sex, but you want her to want you even more than you want her, and that's how you know that you're gonna get her, and she's going to give in." "You gotta play hard to get a little bit." "Okay?" "That's not natural." "Rolling." "84 kilo, take five." "Action." "Are you looking for attention?" "What- what kind of attention?" "I don't know." "Maybe... this kind." "Or this kind." "I'm just playing with you, Katie." "Jeez." "You take everything so damn seriously." "Jody..." "You may now kiss the bride." "See?" "It was fine for you to be a slut." "I'm still marrying you." "Okay, everyone, that's a wrap!" "That was hot, guys, that was so great." "No, thank you." "Hey, Jody." "Hi." "I got you a wrap present." "Dick, you shouldn't have." "I" "Please, I want you to." "I made it especially for you." "It's my dick." "In a box." "I'll treasure it forever." "And there's no balls on it, either." "It's just the shaft." "I don't need 'em." "Okay." "I'm so proud of you." "Really?" "When I say this, this is the truest thing" "I've ever said:" "You're the best director I've ever worked with, and I've done over 400 movies." "Hey, Laura." "Thank you so much." "I couldn't have done this without you." "I don't know about that, but how do you think it'll turn out?" "A lot different than the script I wrote, thanks to you." "Thank you, thank you so much." "Thank you for taking me seriously." "You're welcome." "No, I mean it." "To be given this chance, this opportunity, really means a lot to me and it's really special." "Thank you." "See you at the premiere." "¶ Don't really care ¶" "¶ Who found who ¶" "Hi, honey." "It's Mommy and Daddy to wish you a happy birthday." "We wish we could be there to celebrate." "We love you so much." "You call us- Hurry up." "Bye, sweetheart." "Do you think she had any idea?" "Please, she doesn't even know we exist." "Surprise!" "Sandwich!" "Whose idea was this?" "Who do you think, Balaban?" "Happy birthday." "Aww." "Cheers." "Hey." "Hi." "So let's dance, huh?" "Guys, thank you so much." "Blow out your cock!" "Oh, my God." "Come on." "Why don't you make a wish?" "!" "Let's go upstairs." "I got a little surprise for you up on the roof." "¶ Give you a chance ¶" "Here, put this on." "Cheers." "Hey, you know what, this" "Thank you." "Hey, how" "Whoa." "What are you thinking?" "That I really wanna kiss you right now." "Well, if she's not here, then we'll just go back to the room." "Hello." "Hi." "Are you guys the fluffers?" "No, we're the Balabans, Jody's parents." "She's with her new boyfriend." "Jody has a boyfriend." "Boyfriend, what?" "Yeah, Jeff." "Jeff Drake." "Director." "Directed by Jeff Drake." "Jupiter, Mars, Uranus." "It's like a sci-fi thing." "Honey, let's go, let's keep walking." "We'll find her desk." "Could you do a scene with" "He's not out of his dressing room yet." "I think I'm going crazy." "I just saw my parents." "How was your flight?" "Our- it was lovely." "We saw a terrific movie." "It's the- oh, a Ron Howard movie." "What's the name, what was it called, honey?" "It's called "this is your fault. "" "It's not anybody's fault." "Why does this have to be somebody's fault, Dad?" "You tell me." "After you've paid four years of Ivy League tuition and two years of grad school for your daughter, who ends up" "What?" "Getting a good job, working as an editor?" "Some things aren't worth the sacrifice." "I'm not sacrificing anything." "I saw you with that" "What's his name?" "The pornographer." "Jeff." "Look, I can imagine how this must seem to you, but you should have more faith in your daughter." "Would you?" "If she wound up working at a place like this?" "Oh, hell no, no." "In fact, I'd use this on her." "Except she kind of likes it." "Okay, okay, let's go." "He's kidding, he's kidding, he's kidding." "It's not funny." "That's not how you talk to my parents." "I'm sorry." "See, I didn't know how to speak to your parents because I didn't come here with any sort of preconceptions as to who they were." "All I know is I'm crazy about their daughter." "She's a little quick to judge, but no one's perfect." "What's your point?" "We shouldn't be so quick to judge you?" "What, is he kidding me?" "A man is what a man does." "Come on." "Why did you have to antagonize them?" "Why didn't you say anything?" "Is it because a small part of you agrees with them?" "Or a big part?" "This was a horrible idea and I told you it was." "Okay, okay, I was wrong." "Is that what you wanted me to say, I'm wrong?" "Yes!" "But did you have to be so hard on her" "Mom, Dad, wait." "Look, he's not what you think." "He's really talented." "He's honest and he believes in me." "How can you be so naive, Jody?" "That man could give a damn about you." "You're just a sweet, little detour from his jaded, perverted life." "And that's where it ends." "How can you not see that?" "Dad, you're wrong." "Come on, let's go." "Mom." "Debra, get in the car." "Look at how happy she is." "What's wrong with being happy?" "¶ And someday ¶" "¶ My, my, my ¶" "¶ I'll be your life... ¶" "I took your advice, Balaban." "The one with the faces." "No." "No, I'm a little drunk." "And I would... good for you to take advantage of me." "If you're here to apologize, you're doing a good job." "¶ Lady ¶" "¶ I'll make you change ¶" "Jeff!" "Fuck you." "Hey, stop, stop." "I thought that was you in there." "You must really think I'm stupid." "But I'm not." "I may be a loser at the dating game, but I had an Ivy League education." "Yeah, so your father boasted." "Not like most of the people here." "I didn't drop out of Fuck Me High at 16 to come to Grind to edit pussy and suck the director's dick." "I came to get what I needed and get out." "Stop." "Before you say something you might regret." "Like what?" "Like maybe my dad was right?" "Or was it your dad?" "Jeff vs. Jody." "I didn't know who to root for." "Yeah?" "You pulled it off." "I can't thank you enough, Irene." "No thanks necessary, honey." "I mean, I just watched the final cut of Jeff's movie." "Excellent work." "I really think it's gonna empower the female audience." "God, I'm such a genius for hiring you." "What did he say about it?" "Jeff, I'm not sure." "You know, he's made himself kind of scarce this week, so..." "Oh, your last check." "Here you go." "I hope you understand that I cannot let you edit your movie here." "Just with what's transpired with Jeff, it would be really bad business." "I understand." "God, it's such a shame you two didn't just fuck each other's lights out and get it over with." "Like that's the answer to all of life's problems." "It's the answer to some of the problems." "Some pretty big ones, honey." "I need to get laid." "Who is it?" "I said, who the fuck is it?" "I'm sorry, it's Jody Balaban." "I was the editor." "I know who you are." "You can come in." "You've done a nice job with Jeff's movie." "Most people just go for the gore and you actually entice before the payoff." "Maybe that's 'cause..." "I think sex is something that's better off when it's earned." "Or maybe you're just a natural-born cock tease." "Hey, that's one of the best parts of being a woman." "That and being a mother." "You're a mother?" "And a wife." "Married eight years." "One beautiful son." "That's crazy." "Does your husband know what you do?" "Of course he knows what I do." "He financed my first movie." "What could I say?" "He gets off watching me have sex with other men." "As long as it's him I make love to." "Hey, if there's one thing you can learn from working here at Grind, Jody, it's to each his own." "Or her own." "You know what's funny?" "I had so many conversations with you in my head, but you're nothing like I expected." "You know what else is funny?" "How much you respect Laura." "I'm a better actress than you thought, huh?" "¶ Take a breath and close your eyes ¶" "¶ Drifting in the sunlight ¶" "¶ It's golden ¶" "¶ And feel the rush of the tide ¶" "¶ It feels like you're starting to fly ¶" "¶ You float ¶" "¶ There she goes ¶" "¶ Where did she go?" "¶" "Oh, my God." "You look so beautiful." "I'm so excited." "¶ Before you crash into the skylight ¶" "¶ You're flying ¶" "¶ I hold my breath and close my eyes ¶" "¶ The sunlight in the summertime ¶" "¶ Is cold ¶" "¶ There she goes ¶" "If you love me, you'll wait." "A relationship isn't just about sex." "Are you looking for attention?" "What- what kind of attention?" "¶ I'm lost ¶" "¶ Ooh I tried ¶" "¶ What I was looking for ¶" "¶ I could not find ¶" "¶ Falling out of place ¶" "¶ With little hope ¶" "¶ I thought that I could do it all alone ¶" "¶ So tell me ¶" "¶ Where to go ¶" "¶ Lead the way ¶" "¶ And I will follow ¶" "¶ Teach me ¶" "¶ All you know ¶" "¶ Lead the way ¶" "¶ And I will follow... ¶" "Please, call me anytime." "I would love to set up a meeting at our agency." "Thank you." "Great job, Jody!" "Thanks." "Ooh!" "What's the matter?" "Nobody came." "Everybody came." "From Grind." "Well, what'd you expect?" "I mean, they're probably out having their ass hairs waxed or something." "I am so glad your father didn't hear that." "Mom!" "Oh!" "Hey, Kathleen." "Oh, my baby girl." "I'm so glad you made it here." "I would not have missed this for the world." "Did Dad come?" "Jody?" "Oh, there's" "Hi." "Hey, hey." "Sindi." "Where were you sitting?" "I was just" "Next to me." "You did a great job." "Yeah." "You too." "I can never figure this out." "I need to" "I'm so proud of you." "Thank you, Dad." "Well, I'm gonna go get a drink." "My daughter, my daughter." "So what'd you think?" "You are so talented and everyone was awesome." "I can't wait to tell them." "Why didn't they come?" "They're in Vegas." "Y'know, it's the AVN Awards tomorrow night." "Oh, the Adult Video Awards." "Yeah." "Right." "Well, Jeff's up for Best Director." "So that's exciting, right?" "You guys know that I didn't really mean to hurt any of you, right?" "And that I appreciate you so much." "Yeah." "I don't know." "I'm so sorry." "I don't remember anything about that night." "I was really wasted." "It really wasn't Jeff's fault, 'cause- 'cause he- he thought that I was you." "So you and Jeff never" "I wish." "We've all been trying to get in his pants for years." "I'm beginning to wonder if he can still get it up." "What do you mean?" "Jeff hasn't been with a woman since his wife left him." "It's funny how it works in our business." "You gotta keep it a secret when you don't screw around." "Oh, God, I almost forgot." "This is for you." "Thanks." "Listen, I've got to catch my plane to Vegas, so..." "I'll see you around, okay?" "Okay." "I didn't open your present." "Oh, that's not from me." "It's from Jeff." "See you at the Oscars." "Live from Las Vegas, welcome to this year's AVN Awards." "It's the biggest night for the adult industry's brightest stars." "Up for Best Girl-Girl:" "Stormy Daniels, Jesse Jane, Sasha Grey." "Up for Best Director:" "Jeff Drake for "Finding Bliss. "" "Russian superstar Kato arrived with her costar Dick Harder, up for Best Actor." "Up for Best Oral Sex, Dyan Canyons arrives with porn legends Ron Jeremy and Jake B. Bigg." "There's Wicked's Dave O." "And welcome to this year's AVN Awards." "This next category reminds me of that Victor Mature quote," ""I'm no actor and I have 64 movies to prove it. "" "You're so immature." "Ooh..." "Anyway, this year's nominees for" "Best Actor in a video are..." "Got ID?" "Yeah." "Company ID." "Wicked, Vivid" "Grind." "Well... not anymore." "Can't let you in without an ID, sweet tits." "Hey, Bobby." "Hi, ladies." "Can't do it." "Hi." "About time." "You better get in there." "You're gonna miss Jeff's big speech." "They won't let me in." "Really." "And finally, for the Best Director nominees." "We have Ryan Raven for "Back-End Deal,"" "Toby Shaft for "Hung Jury. "" "And for the fifth time in a row," "Jeff Drake for "Finding Bliss,"" "a film you can actually whack off to at an art-house theater near you." "And the winner is..." "Jeff Drake!" "Jeff!" "Oh, wow, wow." "Thank you, thank you so much." "It's- it's always a thrill to be up here." "Let me start by thanking all the hardworking people at Grind." "I couldn't have done this without you." "Especially Irene Fox, who is my dear friend." "Well, I'd also like to thank the industry for the last time." "The adult world has been good to me, but it's time for me to move on." "Before I do, I'd like to say a special thanks to a very special woman." "I'd like to thank the star of my film, the one, the only..." "Bliss." "Everyone, this is Jody." "She was my" "Editor." "And my- Cowriter." "And" "His self-righteous, cock-teasing... dildo-hiding" "You had me at cock-teasing." "¶ Ooh... ¶" "¶ Found your secret ¶" "¶ The secret of life ¶" "¶ I want to share it with you ¶" "¶ Trust ¶" "¶ And you say ¶" "¶ The secret that's deep inside ¶" "¶ That magic door ¶" "¶ Inside of you ¶" "¶ Love ¶" "¶ Love ¶" "¶ And when you find it ¶" "¶ You will know ¶" "¶ Love ¶" "¶ Love unconditional ¶" "¶ Oh love ¶" "¶ Love unconditional ¶" "¶ Trust and you'll find ¶" "¶ The secret that's deep inside ¶" "¶ That magic door ¶" "¶ Inside of you ¶" "¶ Oh, oh, oh love ¶" "¶ Love unconditional ¶" "¶ And when you find it ¶" "¶ You will know ¶" "¶ Whoa, whoa, whoa whoa, whoa ¶" "¶ Love ¶" "¶ Love unconditional ¶" "¶ Oh love ¶" "¶ Love unconditional ¶" "¶ Yes ¶" "¶ It's a secret ¶" "¶ But it's not really a secret ¶" "¶ Because it's really inside of us ¶" "¶ It's inside everybody ¶" "¶ You've just got to find it ¶" "¶ You've just got to find it ¶" "¶ Whoa, whoa, whoa whoa, whoa ¶" "¶ Love ¶" "¶ Oh love ¶" "¶ Love unconditional ¶" "¶ Love ¶" "¶ Love unconditional ¶" "¶ Yes ¶" "¶ It's a secret ¶" "¶ But it's not really a secret ¶" "¶ Because it's all inside of us ¶" "¶ It's inside everybody ¶" "¶ You've just got to find it ¶"