"Half manicotti, half pina colada swirl." "Hey, you want some garlic with that?" "It´s on me" "Papa Gigio. [Laughs]" "There you are." "Enjoy it." "Hey, what´ll it be, fellas?" "I got a nice Rocky Road parmesan." "My name is Vinnie Fellachio." "These are my associates:" "Fat Tony, Overweight Sal, and Morbidly Obese Frankie." "What do you want?" "I´m new in town, but I´m thinking you could use some protection." "[Laughs] Protection?" "I left New York to get away from bums like you." "I´m not playing your game." "Sure you are, Pops." "Hey, boys, show him what he´s won." "H-h-hey!" "Aah!" "Get your hands off me!" "No!" "No!" "Aah!" "Aah!" "Aah!" "Put me down!" "Put me down!" "No!" "[Thud]" "[Laughs]" "Announcer:" "Tonight´s episode..." "Announcer:" "Condoms were worn during the filming of Son of the Beach." " [Gasps] - [Gasps]" "Oh!" "I can´t believe Papa Gigio got whacked." "Somebody offed him!" "But he´s so old." "Who would whack him off?" "Why, Papa Gigio?" "Why did you die?" "E vivo core tu te vive vere." "I didn´t know Notch spoke Italian." "Gradisco sedersi nei feces del cane." "Sono un hamburger con le vene." "Ci e un lama da mia bagno." "Aw, Notch." "Mr. Gigio must have meant a lot to you." "Oh, yes!" "He put me through lifeguard academy." "You might say he was the wind beneath my shorts." "Well, I just wish there were more clues to help us find the killer." "Oh, we´ll find him, all right." "Hey, isn´t that Mark Fuhrman?" "B.J.:" "What´s he doing here?" "Jamaica:" "Ooh!" "I told you the brother didn´t do it!" "[Laughs]" "Hey, gang." "I´ve just been analyzing these crime scene blood samples." "They´re type A." "Positive?" "Well, I´m not going to bet money on it, but I think so." "Whoa!" "Oh, darn!" "Who´s gonna clean up this blood?" "[Steve Barks]" "Notch:" "Ha ha ha!" "Good boy, Steve!" "Ha ha ha!" "Don´t forget the glass!" "[Crunches Glass]" "Guten tag, everyone." "This is my sister Eva." "She´s visiting from Germany." "Hi." "Hi." "How are you?" "Hey, guys," "Eva was supposed to stay with me, but my place is packed with workout equipment and protein bars." "Mmm!" "I love protein!" "Can she stay with one of you?" "Don´t look at me." "I´m sharing my crib with my mama, my grandmama, my great-grandmama, and my great-great-grandmama... and she pregnant!" "Eva, you could stay on my boat, but it´s being fumigated for head lice and dung beetles." "Hey, Kimberlee, how about opening up your spread?" "Well, sure!" "Yeah!" "I´ve got plenty of room." "Just me and the cats." "Do you mean kitty cats or people named Katz?" "What does it matter?" "You´re allergic to both." "Oh." "You can stay with me, but it´ll be a tight fit." "Oh, I don´t mind." "It sounds wunderbar." "Danke schoen." "Hey, boss, tell me again." "Why are we here in Malibu Adjacent?" "Shut up and sit down." "What are you, stupid, you moron?" "Where else we gonna go?" "We´ve been thrown out of New Jersey." "Yeah, but to control Malibu Adjacent, you gotta control the beaches, and to control the beaches, you gotta get past Notch Johnson." "Forget about it." "First we take care of the mayor." "As far as I´m concerned, this Notch Johnson is just a big pussy." "Eva:" "Your home is so cute!" "Eva:" "Your home is so cute!" "So I guess it´s not only white trash people who live in trailers, huh?" "I don´t know." "I ain´t lived nowheres else." "[Spits]" "Eva, I hope you don´t mind, but I´ve really got to get to bed." "I can feel Mr. Sandman coming." "Same here." "After all, in California it´s 8:00, but in Berlin, it´s 1 945." "Oh, B.J.?" "I have a question." "Do you mind if I sleep in the nude?" "Doesn´t bother me in the least." "[Kiss]" "Mmm!" "I love you!" "Mm-mmm!" "Mmm!" "Well, good night." "Ahh!" "These sheets are so soft!" "They feel so good against my silver dollar nipples." "B.J., I´m a little cold." "Do you mind if I snuggle up against you?" "Um, well" "Oh, that is so good!" "So soft to the touch!" "Aah!" "Oh!" "My hand must have slipped." "[Thinking] I don´t believe it!" "Eva´s hand entered my girlie region." "I´ll bet she´s a lesbiantologist." "Women do experiment, but I´ve never thought about me with another woman." "What would that be like?" "La la la la la la" "La la la" "[Whispers] Touch me" "Let it go" "Let it go" "Try something new" "Try something new" " Touch me" " Touch me" "You know you want to" "You know you want to" "La la la" "La la la" "You know you want to" "Ah la la" "Let it go" "Let it go" "Aah!" "[Gasps]" "God, what´s the matter, B.J.?" "I screamed." "So what?" "Now, for the last time, good night." "Mayor:" "Tell your readers that murder will not be tolerated in my town." "Mayor Anita Massengil always gets her..." "Grr!" "Man." "Oh!" "The service must have sent you." "I asked for big, but what I meant was..." "[Gasps] 3 of you!" "That would be a record for me, but, uh..." "I´ll give it a shot." "There´ll be plenty of time for that later, sister." "For now, sit down and let´s talk about your future." "[Snaps]" "I´ve seen your picture." "You´re Vinnie Fellachio, aren´t you?" "Mayor, I´m here to make you an offer you can´t say no to." "If you think for one minute that I´m doing business with you hoodlums, you´ve got another thing coming." "I´m calling the police." "Commissioner Gordon, please." "You don´t want to do that." "[Muffled]" "[Gasps] No!" "Not my Kody!" "Mother, these men burst into my room, threw me down, forced my arms behind my back, and then handcuffed me." "A little tighter, please." "Do what I say, and we´ll send the kid back to you." "[Whimpers]" "Don´t do what I say, and we´ll still send the kid back to you, one piece at a time." "Capisce?" "Oh!" "[Men Laugh]" "No!" "No!" "[Chalk Breaks]" "Oh, Notch, what´s wrong?" "It´s Papa Gigio." "I remember how he used to tuck me in at night, turn off the lights, and put me to sleep with this little song." "Oh, my wife´s too fat for pasta" "So I make her some calzone" "Oh, hi, Mayor." "Oh!" "I´ve come to ask you all a big favor." "Last night, mobsters came and kidnapped Kody." "He´s been kidnapped by the Vinnie Fellachio crime gang." "The Vinnie Fellachio crime gang?" "I bet that´s who killed Papa Gigio." "I´m about to utter words" "I never thought I´d say." "Notch, will you h... will you h...ee!" "Will you [Squeaks] help me?" "Say no more, Mayor." "I´m a lifeguard." "I do 2 things:" "promote water safety and bring down crime families." " [Gasps] - [Alarm Rings]" "[Alarm Rings]" "Guten morgen." "[Sighs] I slept like a little kitty cat." "How about you?" "Thanks to you, I didn´t sleep at all." "You put the moves on me." "Really?" "I didn´t mean to." "It was just a harmless little pass." "Harmless little pass?" "I felt your hand on my teetsy woowoo." "So?" "So?" "That means you´re lesbianific!" "I´m not a lesbian." "I´m European." "European?" "That´s right." "We Europeans like all kinds of sex." "Well, that doesn´t mean I´m that way." "Or perhaps it does." "I mean, you seem so upset." "Or maybe you are hiding something." "You guys, I am really allergic to cigar smoke." "Hear that, boys?" "Tinkerbell over here, he don´t like our stogies." "[Men Laugh]" "Hello?" "What about your diets?" "Shut up before I plug ya!" "Promise me whatever you want, but you will never get to Notch Johnson." "He´s got this bodyguard--Chip." "He is really buff and so handsome." "Fellachio:" "Oh, yeah?" "Well, let´s just say pretty boy Chip might not have his looks when we´re through with him." "[Men Laugh]" " Whoo!" " Whoo!" " Whoo!" "Whoo!" " Whoo!" "Oh, B.J. Cummings!" "What a nice surprise." "What are you doing on my side of the tracks?" "Nothing much, Ellen." "Whatcha doin´?" "Shucking clams." "I love to shuck." "But these clams aren´t the only thing that smells fishy here." "What´s going on, honey?" "It´s just that...well... a beautiful woman hit on me last night, and I just started thinking, how" "How the dam has burst and all these strange, new feelings are flooding your body?" "Exactly!" "It´s like I pulled my finger out of a dike!" "Ellen, can you help me?" "Can you help me get to the truth of who I am?" "I sure can, sweetie." "All you gotta do is eat my box lunch." "But I haven´t made that commitment yet." "No, B.J." "Eat this." "No, not now!" "You have to wait till tomorrow when the clock strikes high noon." "And... you´ll be very hungry, so whichever item you choose to eat will tell you whether you´re straight or a vegetarian." "[Quietly] I´m hoping." "I´m hoping." " Whoo!" " Whoo!" " Whoo!" " Whoo!" "Yo!" "Homeless guy." "Yeah?" "Looks like you got a nice little operation going here." "I´m comfortable." "Good for you." "Look." "We got a little proposition for you." "From now on, you´re gonna give me half of your glass bottle and your begging business." "What do I get in return?" "You get to live." "Not much of an upside for me." "No, thanks." "No, thanks." "Boys, he says, " No, thanks."" "" No, thanks"!" " [Laughs] - [Laughs]" "Fellachio:" "I can´t watch this." "Oh!" "Hey, get off of him!" "Oh, you must be Chip." "Ja, und das ist verboten!" "Oh, you´re German." "Hey, do you know how to make a German cross?" "No." "You break his leg." "Aah!" "Uhh!" "Aah!" "[Laughing]" "The odds weren´t fair, Notch." "Why couldn´t they just fight me man-to-man?" "Look at me, Notch." "I feel like Dusseldorf after the bombing." "Jamaica:" "Yo, Chief." "This came to you from Fellachio." "Hey!" "It´s a singing snapper!" "As seen on TV!" "Watch." "Watch when I squeeze it." "Fellachio on tape:" "Johnson, meet me on the beach tomorrow at high noon, and bring your guns." "I thought this fish was supposed to sing." "Chief, haven´t you seen The Godfather?" "When the mob sends you a fish, it means they want to snuff you out." "Kimberlee:" "Notch, what are you going to do?" "I´ll tell you what I´m going to do." "I´m gonna take him on!" "Here´s what I was looking for!" "My assault and pepper spray!" "Ok, who´s with me?" "Notch, I´ve strapped on many things in my life, but never a gun." "Sorry, Chief." "I´m half-black, half-Quaker." "Don´t look at me." "I´m late for my lip waxing." "Bum:" "Hey, Notch, will there be food?" "I don´t think so." "Pass." "Kimberlee, I can count on you, can´t I?" "Notch, it´s suicide." "Besides, I signed up to save lives, not shoot people." "And Chip?" "It´s always nice to see you." "So, I guess tomorrow at high noon," "I´ll take on these no-good-niks by myself." "I´ll teach them that this is my territory." "I´m the don here." "Call me Don Johnson." "[Western Background Music Playing]" "[Bullet Chamber Spins]" "[Chamber Snaps]" "[Thinking] I wonder what time it is?" "I know!" "My watch!" "1 1 :50." "Now, if I only knew what "high noon" meant." "Fellachio:" "Come on, Dorothy." "But I have some wonderful decorating notions!" "Terra cotta tile in the bathroom, and that sofa has got to go!" "Oh, you think it´s a little seventies?" "Honey, I wouldn´t sit on that thing with your ass." "Uhh!" "[Thinking] I´m so hungry!" "Maybe I´ll just take a peek so I know what I´m having." "Hey!" "Hey!" "I told you to wait till high noon." "That´s 1 2:00." "Ooh!" "[Clock Chiming]" "[Clock Chiming]" "[Western Background Music Playing]" "[Screaming]" "Come on, Billy!" "Uhh!" "Drop your gun, Fellachio, or prepare to eat lead!" "[Men Laugh]" "[Beep-Beep]" "[Thinking] OK, B.J., this is it!" "Ellen said there are 2 items in my box, and I need to choose one." "Oh, now I get it!" "Get the kid." "Please, don´t shoot me." "I´m gonna wet my Danskins." "Shut up." "Let Kody go, Fellachio." "No way,Johnson." "Not until you turn the beach over to me." "I´m gonna count to 3." "1 , 2..." "[Smack]" "Oh!" "Uhh!" "Oh!" "[Thinking] Should I eat the taco or the wiener?" "Taco?" "Wiener?" "Taco?" "Taco?" "Wiener!" "[Giggles] Mmm!" "B.J.:" "Cease fire!" "Cease fire!" "Hey, everyone!" "I have a very important announcement!" "I´m not European!" "Ok." "You can go back to what you were doing." "[Clicks Empty] Uhh!" "Now!" "Huh?" "Uhh!" "I hate violence, but I hate those creeps more." "Jamaica:" "I left my Quaker half at home!" "All is not quiet on the Western front." "Welcome, compadres." "Tora tora tora!" "Die, icky dog!" "Die!" "Now let´s go to work!" "Uhh!" "Uhh!" "Uhh!" "Go ahead,Johnson." "Shoot me." "Just not in the face, huh?" "I wouldn´t waste the bullets on you, Fellachio." "You know, this whole... how do you Italians say-- fococtomaschmuha-- reminds me of something my Papa Gigio used to say to me." "He´d say, " Notchio,"" "Oh, my wife´s too fat for pasta" "So I make her eat calzone" "I know that song." "So she´d slip in the lasagna and now she´s all alone" "Everybody!" "Oh, my wife´s too fat for pasta" "So I make her eat calzone" "She slipped in some lasagna" "And now she´s all alone" "Hi, teens." "Notch Johnson here." "Trial was held in the city of Malibu Adjacent." "Here are the results of that trial." "Gang leader Vincent Fellachio was charged with murder, extortion, and participating in a badly executed musical number." "4 trials have resulted in 4 mistrials, as all 48 jurors committed suicide by tying their hands behind their backs and throwing themselves from bridges." "Fat Tony, Overweight Sal, and Morbidly Obese Frankie were sentenced to a maximum security fat farm in Arizona." "Kody Massengil broke a window in an attempt to be sentenced to prison, but was declined." "Eva Rommel loved it here so much, she decided to stay and take a job at the Martina Navratilova Federal Correction" "Facility for women." "So until next time, this is Notch Johnson saying, " Ride the big one!""