"Hello, operator?" "Listen, let me have the police." "Hello, police?" "Listen, I was wondering if you have a report... of an injured old man within the last hour or so?" "Well, see, the old man happens to be..." "Never mind." "Thank you." "Can I believe her" "When she tells me so" "Is she foolin' Is itjust a game" "You know, that's the way Sonny Til with the Oriels used to sing that." "Then they'd go, Am I the fire" "Orjust another flame" "I'll hit it one more time for you." "Am I the fire" "Orjust another flame" "Do you have any idea what time it is?" "I didn't know what time it was until I met you" "You're full of songs tonight." "What else are you full of, muscatel?" "No." "We were drinking muscatel and Ripple." "In fact, I call it, "muscatipple. "" "And where have you been?" "And don't tell me you've been sitting with no sick friend." "Well, if she was she's all right now." " Whew!" " You was out with a woman?" "Yes, I was out with a woman." "Who you think..." "I'd be out with this time of night, Fats Domino?" "And I just called the police to find out... if they had any record of an injured old man." "All I really had to worry about was a dirty old man." "Don't say that." "She was a nice lady." "And where'd you meet this "nice lady"?" "At a Swedish massage parlor?" "Or did you answer one of them ads in the paper?" ""Lonely young woman wants to meet silly old man?" "Object:" "Rip-off. "" "Don't talk like that about Mrs. Edwards." "She's a nice lady, and she's got class." "Mrs. Edwards might have class... what you got to worry about is whether Mr. Edwards has a gun." "There ain't no Mr. Edwards." "She's divorced." "I don't want to talk about it." "I'm going to bed." "No, you don't." "You ain't going traipsing off to bed... and have me sit down here worrying about you half the night." "Now what is this?" "Is this something serious, or what?" "This is serious." "I'm in love with her." "I think this is it." " Oh, no." " Oh, yes." "It's not something that just happens to young people, you know?" "Old folks got feelings." "And old folks got plenty of feelings." "Just because a prune is wrinkled don't mean that it ain't tasty." "Well, who is this old prune anyway?" " I'm talking about me." " Yeah, you're an old prune all right." "Well, she likes it." "In fact, she said I was the nicest guy... she ever met in her whole life." "She must of had a hard life." "I don't want to talk about it if you're gonna make fun of the woman." "Okay, Pop." "All kidding aside, now." "Now what is this about?" "What about Donna?" "Aren't you engaged to the barracuda?" " Yes, I'm engaged to her." "So what?" " So what?" "You gave her the engagement ring." "What about that?" " I'll ask her to give it back to me." " What if she doesn't?" "Well, then I'll tell her she's got to keep making the payments herself." " Shut up." " I don't understand this." "I don't, I don't." "You come in here..." "You come in here singing." "I don't understand you." "And I don't understand this whole thing." "You might as well try to understand it." "It happens all the time." "What about when Elizabeth Taylor left Eddie Fisher... for Richard Burton?" "What about when Ingrid Bergman left her husband... for that Italian fellow, Mussolini?" "It was Rosselini." "And anyway, those people are in show business." "Well, the junk business is like show business." "If I got some junk..." "I gotta show it, else I'm out the business." " Then this whole thing is settled, huh?" " Just about." "She's coming tomorrow." "She might as well come and see what her future home looks like." "Remind me to spray the place real good." "Well, why?" "Is she moving in here?" "Not she, they." "She has two little children." "Mrs. Edwards is young enough to have little children?" "What's her first name, Lolita?" "Well, Jackie and Onassis did it." "So, just say that we're another Jackie and Onassis." "Living happily ever after on some Greek island." "The old prune and his young tomato living on figs." "Listen, you want to hear more about her or not?" "If you don't, I can drink my beer upstairs." "Oh, no." "I wanna know all the sordid details." "Now, when did you meet her anyway?" "I met her about a month ago in Ruby's Bar and Grill." "See, I was sitting at the bar on one end... and she was sitting down at the other end." "And the bartender had just brought her one of them draft beers?" "And she was licking the foam trying to catch it, you know... before it got out on the counter." "And we looked up at the same time." "And it was as though no one else was in the whole room." "I can believe that." "She probably cleared the place lapping up beer on the bar." "Listen, I got acquainted with her... and we found out that we were both lonely." "I thought you'd like the idea of me... having some female companionship in my waning years." " What's wrong with that?" " You wanna know what's wrong with it?" "The smell of nail polish and cold cream all over the place." "The wash basin always full of stockings... and stretch pants hanging all over the bathroom." " You like that?" " I love it." "Yeah." "It's better than the smell of foot powder... and your sweat socks hanging over the shower curtain." "And you say she's got little children?" "That's worse than having a dog." "You gonna be stepping in peanut butter and jelly sandwiches all day." "You still don't understand, do you?" "I said that I wouldn't even have told you... 'cause I didn't even know if she was going to accept me." " But she did." " Yeah." "She accepted me." "I really thought that you'd like the idea of me having a female companion." "Because that way you wouldn't have to worry about me at night... leaving me here by myself." "Ain't nothing wrong with having a female companion." "They very important." "You important, too, son." "But what I mean is, if you don't want me to... you know, if you think it's a bad idea, then I'll give her up." " What?" " Yeah." "I'll give her up." "I mean, you're my only son, but, I know I owe you something." "And I appreciate everything you've done." "But, I'll give her up if you say the word." "I love her, but I'll give her up for you if you don't want me to have her." "I'll quit her." "'Cause I love you too." "I love her, but I'll give her up." "I love her." "Look, Pop, I was only kidding." "If you want to get married to some young chick, you got my blessing." " You really mean that?" " Sure." " She's coming here tomorrow night?" " She's coming to meet you." "And then you know what I'm gonna do?" "I think I'll take her somewhere nice for dinner." "All right." "Listen, don't worry about a thing." "I'm gonna be nice to her." "Now, you better go to bed, because it's getting late." "Yeah." "Okay, son." "And thanks an awful lot, hear?" "That's all right." "Listen, Pop... if she's got hairs on her chin, I'm not kissing her." "Why you always saying that kind of stuff?" "Hello, young lovers" "Wherever you are" "I hope your troubles are few" " What is that?" " It's a wig." "What it look like?" "It looks like a big, black Brillo pad." "What are you wearing that ridiculous thing for anyway?" "Because it covers the gray, and it makes me look younger." "But what about the gray on your chin?" "You gonna shave that off, or dip it in Clairol?" "If you gonna make a big deal out of it, I won't wear it." "Good." "What about the rest of me?" "How do I look?" "You look fine." "Let me straighten your tie." "There's no fiddling' around here." "How about the house?" " The house look okay?" " The house looks fine." "Relax." " And it smells all right?" " It smells great." "You need a drink." "Yeah, a drink." "That's always a good idea." "It's her." "It's Miss Edwards." "Would you relax, Pop?" "You're gonna be dead before the honeymoon." " Now, you be nice to her, son." " Didn't I tell you I would?" "Yeah, and I appreciate everything you've done for me." "Go let the woman in." "She's getting older by the minute." "And thank you, son." "And pour us some drinks." "Oh, good evening, Fred." "Good evening, uh, Judy, Miss Edwards." "Come in." "Uh, Judy, this is my son, Lamont." "Lamont, this is Miss Judy Edwards." " How do you do, Lamont?" " Hi." "Hey, this is a celebration." "Pour the drinks there, son." "Let's celebrate." "Drinks?" "Yeah, drinks." "What's wrong with you?" "Where are your manners?" "I'm sorry, Pop." "Pour the drinks here." "Say, wait a minute." "Wait a minute." "That's my drink." " You already had yours." " Sorry, Pop." "Your drink." "Thank goodness." "What's the matter with you?" "Oh, nothing." "It's just that, well, I was expecting somebody a little older." "Well, I told you she was young." "Oh, I'm not that young." "I'm 36." "Well, sit down, Judy." "Thirty-six?" "That ain't that big a difference." "I read about bigger differences than that." "You know that artist, what his name, "Pistachio"?" "Picasso." "Yeah." "Yeah, him." "I mean, he married a girl in her 20s... and he damn near 100." "A hundred years old and he married a young girl." "I guess that's what surprised you." "Me having a pretty girl likeJudy." "Young thing." "You know what I mean?" "You look lovely tonight, Judy." "Oh, thank you, Fred." "You look very handsome yourself." " I do, don't I?" " Yes." "Is that a new suit?" "Well, sort of." "See, Lamont picked it out for me after theJanuary white sale." "See, he got this at the February black sale." " Guess I'll call on the phone." " Huh?" "I'm gonna make a phone call." "I'm calling a taxi to come." "You're taking a cab?" "There are only two reasons why you take a cab." "That's on your engagement night, and if somebody's gonna have a baby... and I ain't having' no baby." "Listen, Pop, let me call the cab for you." "Oh, well, thanks, son." "And don't call no white cab company... because as soon as you give 'em the address, they hang up in your face." "The phone." "It's dead." "There's no sound." "Listen, um, why don't you go next door... and-and-and-and call from our neighbor's house... and I can stay here and keepJudy company." "Yeah." "I don't know why that phone is dead." "I know I paid the bill." "It happens like that." "You stay here and get acquainted with Judy." "Introduce yourself to your future mother." "Yeah, she's pretty, isn't she?" "Bye, Judy." "I'll be back." " It's been a long time." " Ten years." "Oh, Lamont." "What are we gonna do?" "I don't know, but we better think of something fast, Mom." "I knew it was you the minute I turned around." "You haven't changed." "You look the same." "Well, neither have you, except for the mustache." "I started growing this right after we stopped seeing each other." "I had to do something." "It was like therapy." "When you met my father, didn't you know... whose house he was coming to?" "Well, no." "I made no connection between the two of you." "And besides, you didn't call yourself Lamont then, remember?" " What?" " No." "Your name was Jay Rupereaux." "What a mess." "If only I hadn't taken that dumb trip... back to St. Louis with my old man." "Lamont, why didn't you write to me?" "I did." "I wrote you every day." " I didn't get not one letter from you." " It was your mother." "She stole those letters." "She always hated me." "She didn't hate you." "She didn't think it was a good idea... me marrying someone five years younger than me." "She said when I got to be 50, you'd be 45." "A man in the prime of his life, married to an old woman." "Yeah, well, I guess it's all right for you to marry an old man." " Your father's only 59." " 59?" "That's what he told me." "He's 65, and he's always complaining about his heart." "Wait till he tries to slip the ring on your finger with his arthritis." "Judy, why didn't you wait for me?" "When I didn't hear from you, I thought you had forgotten about me." " So I started going with Stu Edwards." " Stu Edwards?" "You married him, "Stu the P-U"?" "He was doing well." "He was a groom at Santa Anita racetrack." "I know." "That's why they called him the "P-U."" "Did he sleep standing up like the rest of the horses?" "Well, he did love the horses more than me." "A few years ago, we were divorced." "What are you gonna do now?" "You can't marry my father now, Judy." " Not now." " Well, I can't back out now." "Why, I couldn't hurt him." "He's a kind, sweet man." "He's also an old man." "By the time you're ready for Social Security, he'll be 100." "Did you ever see a 100-year-old man sitting in a bathtub?" "You're gonna have to hold on to him... to keep him from getting sucked down the drain." " What do you want me to do?" " But you can't love him." " I don't." "But he knows it." " What you doing it for?" "So that when he dies, you'll inherit his estate?" "Take a good look around you, Judy." "This is it." "When he dies, all of this is yours." "Lamont, it's been very difficult for me since my husband left." "And I get nothing from him." "In a few years, I'll be 40." "And a 40-year-old woman with children... just doesn't get that many opportunities." " All right, marry me." " W-What?" "What?" "Well, why not?" "I'm closer to your age than he is." "Oh, I couldn't." "But you could marry him and become my mother?" "Listen, the first time you came upstairs to tuck me in... he'd know something was wrong." "I had to call three cab companies before I finally got one." "One guy wanted me to put a deposit up for his hubcaps." "Say, how'd you two get along?" "All right?" " Yeah, just swell, Pop." " That's great, 'cause, you know... that was worrying me, is whether you two would get along all right." " But you like her, don't you, son?" " Yeah, she's wonderful." "You bet she's wonderful." "She is wonderful." "I guess I'm lucky too." "I got a good son, and I'm going to have me a nice, young wife." "What else do I need?" "A dog, maybe." "But not really." "Listen, Pop." "There's something I want to say to you, see." "Yeah, there's something I wanted to do." "I was going to do it in the restaurant, but everything is going so nice..." "I guess I'll do it now." "Here, Judy." "You like it?" "I hope so." "Because, see, it's something I had in stock." "It's an antique ring." "And listen, Judy... if your fingers start turning green, don't let that bother you..." "It means you got too much calcium in your finger." " You like it?" " It's beautiful." "Now, Fred..." "You know what would really make this perfect?" "If Lamont was getting married too." "What about it, son?" "What about a double wedding?" "We could get our picture in Gertrude Gibson's column." "Would you listen to me for a second?" "Here's what I'm trying to say." "I know what you're gonna do." "You want to tell us what you're getting us for a wedding present." "Okay, son." "We're ready." "Shoot." "What you getting us?" "Pop, this is probably the hardest thing that I've ever had to say to you." " Pop, Judy and I..." " Lamont." "Lamont, not now." "I've got to tell him." "He's gotta know." "Pop, Judy and I are lovers." "But..." "I wasn't gone but five minutes." "Not now." "This is something that happened a long time ago." "Just before we took that trip back to St. Louis." "I fell in love her, and I wanted to marry her then." " Are you serious?" " It's true." "My mother was against it." "Yeah, she thought I was just another young punk... looking for somebody older to support me." "Well, that part ain't changed." "Well, listen, Judy, didn't you know this was my son?" "I mean, there ain't that many Sanfords around." "Yes, but I didn't know him as Sanford, he had another name then." "Who'd he tell you he was?" "Super Fly?" " No." "Jay Rupereaux." " Yeah, he look like one." "Anyway, Pop, we never saw each other again until tonight." "And I've got to be honest with you, nothing's changed." "I still love her." "And do you still love him?" "Well, there it is." "That was a short engagement, wasn't it?" "I'm sorry, Pop." "But, listen, I had to tell you." "I couldn't let you marry her without knowing." " That wouldn't have been fair." " Yeah, sure." "Listen, but we can all be one big, happy family." "It's just that she'll be married to me instead of you." "It'll be the same." "She'll just be in a different room, that's all." "No, I'll just move on out." "I'll go to a boarding house, get me a room." "See, I can come back here and do my coordinating... and I'll sleep someplace else." "Absolutely not." "Now this is our house." "I belong here." "You belong here." "We both belong." " Excuse me." "Fred, Lamont..." " Excuse me, Judy." " This is family." "Don't get in this." " It's family." "Family." " Just stay out of this." " Now, Pop." "We both been living in this house for over 30 years." "If you moved outta here, you wouldn't know how to live no place else." "And this house wouldn't be the same without you." "We'll talk about it tomorrow." "Right now, I'm getting me a hot toddy and going to bed." " W-Wait just one minute now, Pop." " Son..." "The thing I want to impress upon you is this..." " Just give it a chance, Pop." " It wouldn't work out, son." "Me being here in this house alone with your wife, coordinating." "It's all my fault." "I never should have said nothing." "I should have been the one to leave." "I should have left and then come back one day, looked in the window... and seen how happy the two of y'all was, like in the movie Stella Dallas." "That wouldn't work either." "'Cause as soon as she called me..." "Lamont orJay Rupereaux, I'd know something was wrong." " I'll just move out." " I can't let you do that, Pop." "But we gotta do something." "I know." "I'm gonna go out there and tell her... she's gotta go through with the original plans." "Wait a minute." "Don't tell her that." "Hey, here's a note and the ring you gave her." "What's the note say?" "Says she doesn't want to see us split up on account of her." "That she doesn't want to come between us... because it won't work out because we're already married." " What does she mean by that?" " I don't know." "I better cancel this cab." " Say, the phone's working again." " Huh?" "Oh, good." "It's too late, Pop." "Cab's here." "Listen, I got two reservations for a Chinese restaurant." " What should we do?" "Shall we go?" " Why not?" "Ain't no reason to sit around here moping." "Hey, we'll be right out!" "Hey, Pop, what do you think she meant by this..." ""because we're already married"?" " It beats me, son." " Well, you ready to go?" " Yeah, I'm ready." " Look at your tie." "Stop fooling around, will you?" " Have you got the keys?" "Come on." " I got the keys." " Wait a minute." "Let me get my glasses." " What do you need glasses for?" "We're going to a restaurant to eat." "We're going to a Chinese restaurant, ain't we?" "I want to be able to see if any of that Chinese food is moving on the plate." "Why do I always have to wait for you?" "Every time we go someplace, I have to be the one to wait for you." "I'm always waitin' for you." "That was some good dinner, wasn't it, Pop?" " You betcha." " That chow mein was terrific." " Yeah, it was really good." " Yeah." "I wish them waiters though wouldn't say, "filed lice. "" "Anyway, that dinner helped you to forget aboutJudy, didn't it?" "About who?" "See how quick I forgotJudy?" "I bet it would have been different if you had gone to dinner with her." "Yeah, it would." "I'd of had to leave a tip." "Yeah, and right after dinner..." "Right after dinner... she would have started putting on her makeup right there at the table." "They always get lipstick on their teeth and on the glass where they drink on." "You know what else they do?" "They hold a napkin up in front of their mouth... so they don't think people know what they're doing with that other hand." "And they'll be picking their teeth like this." "Uh-huh." "And you know what else gets to me?" "When they say they gotta go to the powder room to put on a new face." "And come back 15 minutes later looking the same way." "Hey, Pop, if women got all these bad qualities... how come you chase after them like you do?" "You know what the bible says, that woman was made from a rib." "I can live without a lot of things, but I can't live without ribs." "Sanford and Son is recorded on tape before a live studio audience."