""You are not alone." "Conflict is coming."" "That is the message we received." "Conflict?" "Is that a threat?" "No, sir." "It's more like a warning." "This message was sent to us by a friendly alien race known as Antarians." "They wanna help us." "Do we need help?" "The Antarians aren't the only ones to have found us." "Enemies are already on their way." "Luckily, it's a great distance, and it will take many years before they can reach us." "The Antarians have offered us a gift, this unique suit of power that one person will wear as our champion." "It will take many decades to transport that suit to us so we have selected a child gifted with both incredible intelligence and athletic prowess." "He will spend his entire life training." "We will push him to achieve perfection, and then improved perfection." "And after perfection is achieved, we'll double the score." "As he grows more mature, we'll test him in every way imaginable." "We will prepare him for anything the universe can throw at him." "Yah!" "Aahhh!" "One final question, what if this champion fails?" "Sir, are you familiar with the Greek hero Perseus?" "When Perseus was sent forth to defeat the Gorgon, he was armed with four gifts from the heavens:" "The helm of Hades... the winged boots of Hermes... the shield of Athena... and the sword of Zeus." "And with the power of these gifts combined," "Perseus was victorious." "Sir, our Perseus, our Champion of Earth, will not fail... because he will not know how to." "Perfect score, sir." "Good." "Training's over." "Soon, the entire universe will know the full potential of the human race." "LAZER TEAM Subrip:" "Pix" "Country music" "Hey there, Gloria." "Going kind of fast." "Don't make me run you in." "God, I hate Friday nights." "What a night here at Milford Stadium, where the Mustangs are up by 21 points with two minutes left on the clock." "Ladies and gentlemen, with us tonight, former Milford MVP, Herman Mendoza." "The Texas Tornado!" "Stand up, Herman." "If he can stand." "I know that guy." "Remember, no open containers there, Herman." "He doesn't need to be messing with the fire water, I can tell you that." "Herman Mendoza has been known to puke a little bit." "Where's Mindy?" "Mindy!" "The cheerleaders are leading cheers, everything seems to be spelled correctly, the hot dog vendors are vending hot dogs, and I'll tell you one thing, the commentators are commentating." "Wouldn't you agree, Wink?" "Yup." "It feels right!" "Water?" "Wrong team, asshole!" "Awesome." "Move it!" "Of course, Milford's high score is due to their star quarterback and sixth-year senior, Zach Spencer." "He's got a cannon for an arm, but he's struggled with accuracy." "Just a bit off the mark." "Well, he's been known to gamble on big plays, as indicated by his signature "roll the dice" gesture." "I don't think that's what that gesture's meant to convey." "With one minute on the clock, Spencer fakes a hand-off, goes out on his own!" "There's the block!" "That's gotta hurt." "Free and clear now." "Touchdown Mustangs!" "That's gonna be the game." "An amazing play by Zach Spencer, as he does his post-game stretching." "Always important to keep those hips limber, Wink." " You've no idea what you're talking about, do you?" " I do not, Wink, not at all." "I've heard people say" "That we'll all find our place someday" "Hey!" "You're going the wrong way!" "Sorry, Sheriff." "He ain't a Sheriff, Woody." "He's a half-ass." "Bye, Sheriff Half-ass!" "Yeah, it's nice to see you too, Herman." "Goddamnit!" "That's funny, guys." "Yeah!" "All right, I need to see some ID's now!" "Or what, you're gonna hit us with one of those light sabers?" "Hey, we're not the George you're looking for." "Shut up, Franksen." "All right, that's it." "Everybody out of the vehicle." "Peace out, Boba Fett." " Damnit!" " Live long and prosper, baby!" "It's not even the right movie, Moron!" "Base, this is Deputy Hagan in pursuit of a 4-81." "I need back-up assistance at..." "No dice, Deputy Hagan." "Sheriff wants you out at Ruby Lake for an extraction." "For an extraction?" "Base, what exactly am I extracting?" "All right." "You jerkoffs couldn't beat me on the field, so you think you could beat me here?" "I get it." "Hey, douchebag, this is our party, all right?" "Dude, I won the game." "It's my party." " That's not how parties work, asshole." " They're all my party!" "That doesn't even make sense..." "Great." "Drunk teenagers." "This will be fun." "Hey, guys, stripper's here!" "All right." "Do you want Turner Bull?" "Okay, let's do it." "Ready?" " Wait, take it again." " I think I blinked." "Bye, Jules." "My God!" "Dad, what are you doing at this party?" "I'm working, Mindy." "What are you doing at this party?" " Partying!" " There are two people in the world..." "That should not see you with that beer in your hand, your father and a cop." "And I'm both of them." "Please tell me that is not Zach Spencer out there." "Yeah, it's him." "Go easy on him, Dad." "He's kind of dumb." "All right, fine." "Thanks." "Hey!" "Yo, kick his ass, kick his ass, kick his ass." "Knock-Knock!" "Dude, you need to get the hell out of here now!" "Dude, you need to get the hell out of here!" "How about that?" "All right, lovebirds, break it up." " That's what I thought." "Number one!" " Come on, kid, let's go." "I'm talking to you, kid!" "Top of the world!" "All right, that's it." "Undefeated, bitch!" "Yeah!" "One foot in front of the other." "I got it!" "I know the feet!" "Hey, see if Mindy needs a ride, too!" "Kid, you have the right to remain silent." " You should do that." " Bah!" "It's not funny." "Stop." "All right, I know we've all had a lot of fun tonight, but the show's over." "It's time for you all to go home." "There's nothing else to see here." "You're lucky I'm not taking you in, kid." "You should be arrested." "Your face should be arrested!" "'Cause your face is a whore!" "You should really buckle up back there." "I'd hate to have to give you a ticket for it." "Wait, I know you." "You're that guy that blew the Championship game like 800 years ago!" "What does everyone call you?" "Has-been half-back?" "No, it's Half-ass Hagan!" "Seriously, dude, that hurts!" "Wait, Hagan!" "Mindy's name..." "That's right." "Mindy is my daughter." "That's why you're trippin' on me." "Look, dude, I get it." "You don't like the idea of someone dating your daughter." "You know, kid, I raised my daughter to be a strong, independent woman who's capable of making her own decisions." "That being said, as her father, sometimes I disagree with those decisions." "Look, don't worry about it." "Mindy and I are just friends." "I mean, I haven't even banged her yet." "God!" "I should really get the breaks checked in this car." "We're tracking an inbound UFO." "Just entered the atmosphere." "Excellent." "Men, this is a moment in time that has been decades in the making." "Tonight, our aliens friends will bestow upon us a gift that will give humanity its rightful place in the galaxy." "Tonight, we get our champion..." "Tonight, we will get our champion..." "Tonight, the Earth will get it's champ..." "Who in the hell authorized fireworks?" "What the..." "There's a burn ban out here for a reason." "Hold on, kid." "Gotta make a pit stop." "Woo!" "Awesome." "...looks like it's time for another beer run, Woody." "This is only my second." "How many did you drink, Herman?" "Whatever 24 minus 2 is, man!" "You do the math!" "You ain't never gonna figure it out, dumbass." "Light another one." "Yeah, all right." "Here we go." "Come on now." "Ho-ho-ho!" "Darn tree!" "Woo!" "Yeah!" "Shit!" "Direct hit!" "Nice one, Woody!" "That was nothing." "Hey!" "Well, well, look who it is." "Woody, prep another one." "Stay where you are, Woody." "No, Woody, prep another one." "Look, here, Officer, this here is private property." "Yeah, you only get to say that when it's "your" private property, Herman." "Besides, you're breaking the law!" "Since when is blowing shit up against the law?" "Since they invented laws!" "Yeah?" "What do they say about this?" "Add littering to my list of offenses." "Look, you either give me the fireworks or you can spend the night in a drunk tank!" "That goes for you too, Woody." "I done that before." "Someone threw a ball and I fell in a tub of water." "No, that's a dunk tank, Woody." "Drunk tank is jail." "I don't wanna do that." "You want the fireworks?" "Fine." "I'll give you a firework." "The Mama Gigante." "The courier vessel is arriving, sir." "All right, this is it, everyone!" "High-pressure moment." "What you gonna do, Hagan?" "Herman?" "Oooh..." "Herman." "This gonna be a big one." "Do not light that firework."