"I look with me all the meds I had." "I had already picked out a park." "I look along things that were important to me." "That I wanted to keep near me." "And then I started chewing the pills." "Then me and my sister came home from school." "I stayed out for a while to pet our cat." "When I came in my sister was hysterical." "She told me there was something wrong with Perttu." "There was blood on him." "So I went to have a look and I found - that my brother had " "Shot himself." "It made me think of Panu." "He was a gifted fellow." "He was smart and his future was wide open - but his wings simply couldn't carry him." "He didn't have the strength." "The depression weighed him down." "But that's life." "Not everyone has the strength to take flight." "ONCE I DREAMT OF LIFE" "I do think about him every day." "PANU'S FATHER" "Now and then I have dreams about him." "In my dreams, everything is okay." "As if he had wanted to live." "In these dreams, he's usually a little kid." "In a way, he was pretty much a little kid." "He missed out on his youth and adulthood..." "Or at least he missed the best part of adulthood." "For a long lime I felt that..." "PERTTU'S SISTER" "I would never be happy again." "It was - as if my life was divided in two." "There was the happy life before his death - and the life after that." "And the life after his death didn't feel worth living." "I remember sitting in the car - and mum told me to fasten my seat belt." "I wanted to tell her it was not important." "I didn't care if I died or not." "Actually I was ready to die." "The last paragraph begins with:" "ALEKSI'S MOTHER" ""And finally, thank you for this life," " ""for every moment of it."" "To his siblings he writes:" ""I love you so much" " ""that I don't have words to describe it."" ""I'm sorry for doing this to you."" "The letter ends with:" ""I wish you a good and happy life."" "The last words are:" ""All my love, Aleksi"." "This letter was very important to me." "Aleksi wished us a good and happy life." "The letter was a relief to us." "We gained insight into his thoughts." "It was a relief that he didn't blame us." "The letter also implies that - his Suicide wasn't a sudden decision." "He had probably contemplated it for many, many years." "Aleksi was our third child." "When he was born, he had a 4-year-old brother and a 6-year-old sister." "When he was five, he was blessed with a little sister." "Aleksi was an adorable baby." "I called him Dear Sweet Beloved." "He kept me awake at night but that wasn't a problem." "Aleksi fell easily asleep at my breast." "When Aleksi was two and a half years old " "I returned to work and Aleksi went to day care." "I remember how eagerly I wailed for the weekends - to be with Aleksi." "Of course, as a parent, when your child dies - you start thinking about your mistakes as a parent." "Whether you've set a bad example." "You think over different incidents in your family life." "I try to avoid this all." "I believe Panu had a happy childhood." "But of course there was illness around him." "When his little brother fell ill, Panu had to endure a lot." "Panu was Seven." "When we took Ville to the hospital " "I told Panu that he was in no way inferior to Ville - but we'd have to concentrate on Ville's treatment for a while." "Panu seemed to understand." "Yet I've heard that - when he was still a child, he had told his friends - that Ville's illness was his fault." "Apparently he felt guilty." "Although of course it wasn't his fault in any way." "A child may not understand it." "Perttu says in his letter - that he was too odd to fit in this world." "To me it sounds strange." "In my Opinion, he was a very typical guy of his age." "What I've concluded is that - he was so depressed and ill that - he began to feel that he was too different." "And what comes to myself after Perllu's death, " "I too felt totally different from - all the others." "And not because- my brother had committed Suicide - but because I simply felt so horrible." "That's what kept me from living my life - like normal people." "That's how I felt then." "Aleksi had attended Violin summer Courses - under the instruction of a teacher from Jerusalem." "One day Aleksi told us that - after graduation, he would go to Jerusalem to study the Violin." "This was hard for me to lake." "But in the summer following his graduation, Aleksi flew to Israel." "He organized and financed the trip all by himself." "We simply had to adjust to his radical decision." "It was a little strange that he refused to take a camera with him." "It was also odd that he gave away his belongings before leaving." "It's hard to discuss." "Goddammit!" "I was sixteen." "My brother Perttu was Studying at the Helsinki School of Economics." "Perttu was always very ambitious." "He wanted to be successful in whatever he did." "He was such a good student that he soon found a promising job." "He attended lectures, worked evenings and studied the nights." "In Christmas of..." "In Christmas 2000, when Perttu came home - he asked dad to take him to the hospital." "He didn't feel quite all right." "The doctor diagnosed him with psychosis - which was caused by him not sleeping almost at all." "It happened when I was..." "I was around twenty." "I led a carefree life." "Then it turned - serious." "A kind of puberty hit me." "A delayed puberty." "I had..." "To be honest - it had to do with girls, surprise, surprise " "and my break-up." "For me, it was..." "It was a foggy time." "How should I put it?" "Aleksi returned to Finland after two years in Jerusalem." "He told us that the violin would just be a hobby for him." "In Jerusalem, he had met a Finnish girl." "They had fallen in love and started a long-distance relationship." "When Aleksi returned to Finland, they could see more of each other." "However, also this relationship ended soon." "Only much later Havel learned that " "Aleksi's life in Jerusalem was very hard." "He never told us about his problems." "He had told a friend of his - that he had cut himself and lost his Sense of reality." "Everything went black in my head." "I don't know what it was." "How can your thoughts get so messed up?" "I saw no other way." "Even though I had my parents living next to me - and I had some friends." "I simply lost my mind." "I had no one." "In spite of all these people around me." "I just didn't realize it." "I felt all alone with my problems." "And I dwelled on them for days on end." "My thoughts became bleaker and bleaker." "Panu was a young man already but he never had a girlfriend." "He had few friends, too, but he was close with his family." "He was modest by nature." "And meticulous." "He always arrived punctually in time for my sauna shift." "When I got a sauna of my own, I promised to heat it up anytime - but he still came at the same time." "He was a punctual guy." "That was him." "His Contacts with people were like that..." "I don't think he came just for the sauna." "I got the newspaper delivered and he read the weekly supplement." "The supplement and Saturday's car section." "We didn't have time to go to sauna here at the cottage." "Just fixed the sauna stove together." "Perttu had changed visibly." "Earlier, he'd been a cheerful person." "Now he barely had the energy to smile." "He had a tired, vacant look in his eyes." "Perttu came during the Weekend - and the following Tuesday " "mum look Perttu to see the doctor." "Perttu asked for a referral to treatment." "He was so tired that he simply couldn't live by himself." "He didn't have the energy to eat." "Even ordering pizza was too much." "Yet the doctor told him that - he'd have to go to Helsinki for help." "They did some tests and simply sent him home." "That evening we heard that - if Perttu would officially move back to Valkeala - he'd get treatment here." "They had the resources." "Aleksi seemed very distressed." "He had spasms - and he washed his hands all the lime." "During the same autumn - a person close to our family told me - that they suspected Aleksi was seriously mentally ill." "These words cut through my heart like a knife." "But I decided to seek help." "But in the hospital they only told us to wait." "Something had to happen before he could be committed." "There's a law on involuntary treatment that prevents treatment- unless Aleksi recognized his illness himself." "A great pain filled my heart." "My child was sick but he was beyond help or treatment - before something awful had happened." "It started with remembering things - very deep inside of me." "Until then I could lead a normal life." "And when I got the panic disorder, depression followed." "I lost control of my life." "In an independent person - that causes despair." "You feel completely worthless." "A totally useless member of society." "Especially in Finland, all decent people should have a job." "And I couldn't work." "I couldn't support myself." "To Crown it all - booze came along." "I was no big drinker but " "I still sought refuge in the bottle." "It only made things worse." "Then my Outlook turned really bleak." "I've never been ashamed of my depression." "Instead, I've sought help." "I've admitted that I need help, that I'm lost." "That I can't - cope alone." "Someone, please, help me." "In addition to depression and panic disorder " "I had very severe anxiety." "That was the main reason for my Suicide attempts." "My anxiety grew to unbearable proportions." "Aleksi grew interested in the Bible when he was young - and he studied it diligently." "He also had religious friends until he look distance from them." "He left behind some writings on religion." "But it appears that - the growing mental illness affected also his religious views." "For example, two weeks prior to his death " "Aleksi had saved the following message in his phone:" ""Music is meaningless, God doesn't guide me."" "Aleksi was truly walking in the darkness." "I'm simultaneously a child and an adult." "Emotionally I'm a child." "I feel the need to escape." "I'm also an adult who can do that." "A child basically can't." "Of course, I contemplated Suicide even as a child - but I didn't have the means to pull it off." "I remember my state of mind that day." "The defiance." "I was like..." "You know..." "I was like "Ha, dammit, I'll do it!"" "Because of the things - that I found insulting." ""Damn, I'll show them."" "But what good would it have done?" "You just can't think Straight." "And there's also..." "You're so deep in depression that you don't see any hope of- ever getting better." "You think of yourself as a burden to others - because you can't bring joy to their life." "Instead you just wander around depressed." "He lost control of his life." "His thinking became distorted, he became paranoid." "He wouldn't keep in touch with his friends." "We begged him to see a doctor - because help was available." "But it was all in vain." "Even his movements slowed down." "I don't know what Panu was thinking." "Now it seems that he was probably very depressed." "He was the kind of guy - who didn't want to lose face by seeking treatment or medication." "He had a different solution." "So..." "We have to respect his solution - although taking your life is never the answer." "In any case, he probably had many reasons." "According to what I've read and heard from people - who have lost someone to Suicide " "there are many reasons and when they build up - some people Choose Suicide." "Aleksi still tried to change course." "He had one unfulfilled dream." "To become an airline pilot." "During the autumn of 2007, he passed all multi-stage tests - also the cognitive psychological tests." "But he still had one examination after Christmas." "This autumn there were a couple of incidents where Aleksi - got so angry at me that he seemed like a different person." "I became afraid of him." "When I felt that I was beyond any help " "I understood - that nobody else would be able to lake my pain away - and I wouldn't have the strength to do it myself either." "I was in pain all the lime." "That's when I ran out of strength." "I thought that - this world is not for me and there is an alternative." "I'm a person who can kill herself." "About his last visit here." "It was a couple of days before his death - over the Weekend." "Usually he spent his lime here all by himself." "But now he was close to me all the lime." "We checked the sauna stove together to see if it should be replaced." "I fixed some parts for it and he was near me all the time." "His mother has suggested that maybe he wanted to confide in me." "But I'm sure he was just saying goodbye." "That was his way of saying goodbye." "After Christmas - it was time for the last examination." "It was an interview with a psychologist." "We didn't know whether Aleksi would be able to pass it- and what would happen next." "Aleksi did not tell us - how the interview went." "On the 3rd of March - which was a Monday " "I was at work and suddenly a thought struck me:" "Aleksi would commit Suicide." "It had never crossed my mind and Aleksi had never mentioned it." "But the sentiment was so strong that I had to call my husband." "I suggested that we would visit AleksPs place in the evening - and see how he was doing." "We still had a key to his apartment." "But my husband convinced me that we shouldn't go." "It would've only confused him." "Next day, Aleksi sent his father a text message." "He had been dropped in the interview - and he'd have to consider his options." "That message left me with a feeling that one of his options was Suicide." "I went to the summer Collage and paid a visit back home." "I remember taking the Shotgun along." ""Fuck it", I thought." "I simply had nothing to lose." "I didn't have a job, I didn't have a woman." "There was nothing to hold me back." "I didn't think about my parents, for example." "I mean..." "I wasn't thinking clearly." "My only intention was to - drive to the neighbouring lakeside - and shoot my fucking brains out." "I switched off my phone." "From that onwards, my recollections are hazy - because of the pills and wine I'd taken." "I can't even remember what I did with my things." "I had a cute little suitcase with me." "I made sure that no one could see me." "I was covered by trees and bushes." "I had switched on my phone and called to my loved ones." "And..." "I had a moment of clarity - when my boyfriend at the time kept repeating on the phone - that he'd come to get me if I told him where I was." "And I refused." "But when the voice of someone you love - starts to break..." "I mean, his Voice faltered when he heard that my speech began to slur." "The fact that my strong boyfriend broke down on the phone..." "I clearly remember getting up and telling him where I was." "I told him where I was." "I just felt that no one should feel such pain." "I recalled a passage from the Bible:" ""Not a hair of your head will be lost outside of God's care."" "God would not allow Aleksi to harm himself, I thought." "But- then I saw a flood, as it were." "Another passage from the Bible Occurred to me:" ""When you pass through the waters, they will not sweep over you."" "Then I knew that hardships await me." "But God would be with me." "I pulled into the garage and stepped out of the car." "It was as though I heard - someone telling me that " "Jesus Christ will have the last word in this matter." "I walked to the front door." "My husband welcomed me." "I could see the grief in his eyes." "The police had visited." "Aleksi was dead." "Then we wailed, Martta and me." "The fire department arrived first, then the police and some others." "My parents were both on their way home." "I had told them over the phone." "Dad got home first, then came mum." "I still remember looking out of the window." "It was January, there was a lot of snow." "Mum walked towards the police and I saw her fall on her knees." "It dawned on her right there - that what I had told her on the phone was true." "So I drove to Panu's place to the other side of the town." "I met with Merja outside, and we went in." "It's lough, of course." "It was hard for Merja, too, who found him." "She opened the door and saw Panu lying dead on the bed." "She had left the room and closed the door- hoping that everything would be all right behind it." "Of course, such miracles don't happen in this life." "It was a difficult time." "The day we emptied my s0n's apartment - was extremely hard." "Then there was the funeral." "I had no strength to make funeral preparations." "Fortunately, my husband and Aleksi's older sister took care of it." "My only task was to take the invitations to the post office." "They look care of everything else." "As I approached the post office with the invitations in my bag " "I suddenly understood what I was doing." "I was inviting guests to my s0n's funeral." "Can it get any more difficult?" "ALEKSI'S SISTER" "I remember collapsing in bed." "I couldn't believe it was true." "Even though I knew Aleksi was very ill - it was still..." "It was like - a boll of lightning." "It was so surprising." "Of course, in a way I was also prepared." "I had suspected and worried that it could happen." "But to realize it had actually happened..." "It was a huge Shock." "I remember sitting in the car on the lakeside " "smoking a cigarette, when my old man arrived." "He asked if I was all right." "I told him." "I was honest with him." "He listened to me for a while, made me sit in his car " "and took me to a headshrinker." "To be honest." "I slowly - began to awake to the reality." "While locked up." "Then I got a horrible urge to get out of there." "I knew I wasn't insane - but I was suicidal so they had to lake me in." "My feelings were quite confused." "But it was only when I returned home to Joensuu - that I started to realize and understand - what had happened." "That's when the Sorrow and mourning really began." "And it lasted long." "I had heard that - the worst thing that can happen in life is to lose one's child." "And I thought that if I feel this horrible- then how must my parents feel?" "That's why I wanted to spare them - and hide my grief from them." "So they wouldn't have to worry about me." "Back then I didn't realize that - it was more of a burden to mum and dad not to know how I felt." "I should've been honest about - how I felt." "I had a long discussion with my therapist after Aleksi's death." "He grabbed my shoulders - and looking Straight into my eyes said:" ""Remember, this is not your fault."" ""It was the illness that took your child."" "But I found this very hard to accept." "The guilt set in and it was strong." "Had I paid attention to Aleksi's emotional needs?" "Had I been able to give him a good foundation for life?" "I felt like a complete failure as a mother." "It's a hurricane of emotions." "In the beginning." "It's difficult to analyze." "I felt strong compassion and longing." "I was never angry." "I haven't accused him." "Someone wondered how Panu could do this to us - but I don't think that way." "He did it to himself." "He didn't intend to hurt us at all." "I knew him well enough to say this." "Little by little it all turned to immense longing and Sorrow." "And pain, that much is clear." "Above all..." "Everyone can imagine how it feels when someone dies so suddenly - like a bird falling from the sky." "I couldn't quite grasp the finality of it all before it happened." "Now I can't just call Panu anymore and ask him to fix my bike." "That was one of his specialties, fixing everyones bicycles." "I had Panu's number but I couldn't call him ever again." "Realizing this finality..." "The fact that this relationship was over for good." "That pulled me up short." "Perhaps the most important " "and closest person to me had passed away." "It came back to me." "So that I..." "I often told - my family, mostly mum - that I wanted to be with Aleksi, I wanted to get to him." "Not long after Perttu died, I had a dream - where I was in my room and suddenly the door opened." "Perttu was on the door." "He came in and we hugged." "I was astonished about him being alive." "He said his death was just a big prank." "It felt so good to hug him." "As if a heavy weight was lifted off my heart." "But it was also very..." "It was lousy to wake up feeling happy for a second - and then realize it was just a dream." "Perttu was still dead." "I wanted to do what Aleksi had done a year earlier." "In order to get to Aleksi." "Aleksi - is the one- who - understands me." "For some reason I didn't make it - to where Aleksi was, or maybe, is." "I woke up " "in the intensive care unit." "After the incident." "And I had asked:" ""Am I still in this hell?"" ""I want to die." "I want to get out of here."" "That's what I said." "Although I can't remember it at all." "It was a difficult time, of course." "The first year was - dreamlike." "After that I somehow found my way back." "For all of us, his family and friends, it was - really lough." "But life is powerful." "It forces you to go on." "One day at a time." "Someone told me that - not everyone recovers." "Fortunately there are support services for people - who have lost their loved one to Suicide." "Peer groups and other support." "I had an idea that I would write down Aleksi's story - and illustrate it with photos." "I wrote it the next autumn." "I'd come home from work feeling as excited as when " "I used to pick up Aleksi from day care." "I felt that writing brought me close to him." "At the same time, it helped me let go of my child." "Thank god." "Now I've got other things in my mind." "Iw0uldn'l in my right mind..." "I no longer have those thoughts." "No matter how pissed off I get." "My sun is always shining." "I no longer think it would be impossible for me - to be here." "I don't feel the urge to get away." "Actually..." "Now that it's spring, I've found to my Surprise that " "I'm not depressed about it at all." "I love to watch flowers popping up, - and enjoy things I haven't enjoyed in years." "There are many things I'm able to enjoy again - like baking, it makes me happy." "These little things make life worth it." "I didn't realize it before." "Or I did, but I was too depressed to see it." "A few years after Perttu's death - about five years " "I was working in a horse stable in Sweden - and a horse kicked me in the face rather badly." "It was right then that I realized for the first time - that Perttu's death didn't haunt me as severely as before." "I was taken to the hospital and it crossed my mind that I might die." "And to my Surprise I noticed that I didn't want to die." "And later when I got home from the hospital - it felt very good to remember this feeling." "That I wanted to live." "Before that I had felt that nothing mattered." "But now I realized I really don't want to die." "During my rehabilitation and recovery " "I also went and fell in love." "And it really - changed my life." "It changed my life completely." "I have an 18-month-old little girl now." "And." "Who would ever have believed - that after all this " "something so sweet and amazing can happen?" "To be given " "a new life." "Suicide has many consequences." "Help is available." "Translation:" "Tatu Henttonen Apropos lingua"