"I know you hate it when I review the game tapes but that was one for the highlight reel." "The highlight reel?" "Yeah, you know, best-of moments for deathbed reflections." "Only in your memory, right?" "Oh, yeah, yeah." "I got rid of the camcorder like I promised." "Good." "It's a shame." "The camera really loves you." " Shut up, Charlie." " I'm not just saying that." "Even from unflattering angles, you light up the screen." "Oh, I hate you." "That's too bad, because I love you." "Really?" "Um actually, yes." "Yes, I do." "I love you, Chelsea." "Oh, that's so sweet." "Thank you." "No, no, thank you." "Morning." "Always gotta make a comment, don't you?" "Oh, my." "Fitful night's sleep on Alcohol Island?" "Keep it up, funny man." "You're gonna be homeless, wearing a tube top and turning tricks on Santa Monica Boulevard." "Wow, what crawled in your keister and built a nest?" "You wanna know?" "You really wanna know?" "I've fallen in love with Chelsea." "Oh, well, why are you so upset?" "Uh, love is a..." "A beautiful thing." "Beautiful thing, my ass." "And we're back in your keister." "Last night in bed, I told her I loved her, and you know what she said?" "Uh, "I'm still not gonna let you do that"?" "She said, "Thank you. "" "Ooh, that's an ice cube to the man sack." "I don't get it." "I've gone the whole 9 yards for this relationship." "I gave her her own drawer in my bedroom." "I stopped smoking cigars after sex." "I started seeing a shrink so I could be sensitive." "I still can't get a freaking "I love you. "" "But you've obviously become more sensitive." "For what I've spent on therapy, I could get expensive hookers who will say anything I want." "There's that sensitivity again." "Look on the bright side." " The bright side?" " When women do tell you they love you it usually ends with them tossing a lit road flare through your bedroom window." "That happened one time." "Why can't you be grateful for what you've got?" " What do I got?" " A woman who may not proclaim her love but who doesn't try to set you on fire while you're sleeping." "One time." "A woman who may not proclaim her love but who doesn't steal your Mercedes while you're passed out in the back seat and drive it into the Pacific ocean." "Another isolated incident." "I believe I've made my point." "I'm sorry, Alan, but not being drowned or burned by the woman I love is not enough for me." "I want more." "Oh, sure, reach for the stars." " Hey, Charlie, how's it going?" " Boy, you really blew it this time." "Did I, now?" "How so?" "I've fallen in love with Chelsea." "Ooh, my bad." "Damn right, your bad." "Plenty of medications would've turned me into a happy potato but would you prescribe them?" "No." "You said to get in touch with my feelings and express them to the people I care about." "Sorry, I must have been drunk." "No, no, no." "It's too late for excuses." "I'm sensing something happened with Chelsea." "Oh, you're good." "There's no sliding anything past you." "Hey, last night I dreamt I was a giant hot dog jumping through a doughnut that looked like my mother." "What do you suppose that means?" "All right, Charlie, you've made your point." "Now tell me what happened." "We can go back to the doughnut dream later." "It wasrt a real dream." "I was being sarcastic." "Oh, I know, but the fact that you chose that particular imagery is a little troubling." "Now, what happened with Chelsea?" "I told her I loved her, and you know what she said?" "This process isn't really about me guessing, Charlie." "She said, "Thank you. "" "Interesting." "How did that make you feel?" "No, no, no." "No more feelings." "We tried it your way." "Now just take out your prescription pad and start scribbling." "You don't need medication, Charlie." "You're actually making tremendous progress." " Are you not listening to a thing I say?" " I drift in and out." "The fact that you're upset tells me you've come a long way from the guy who first walked into this office." "The guy who first walked into this office was a happy-go-lucky, fully functioning man-whore, and I want him back." "I'm guessing you don't mean that." "Oh, now you're guessing?" "A minute ago it was:" " "That's not how the process works. "" " A minute ago it didn't." "So are you still seeing Chelsea?" "Of course I'm still seeing her, but now the relationship's totally screwed." " Why is that?" " She knows I love her." "The whole balance of power is completely out of whack." "Huh." "Okay, I really don't like it when you give me the "huh. "" "Huh." " Now you're just screwing with me, right?" " There's no sliding anything past you." "So let's talk about this whole "balance of power" issue of yours." " What about it?" " Why look at relationships as a power struggle?" "Because that's what they are." "You saw your parents' relationship as a power struggle?" "Oh, there was no struggle." "My father sat very quietly while my mother sucked the life out of him." "I see, and you're terrified of that happening to you." "No, I'm looking forward to it." "Thinking about having a nozzle attached to my heart to make the sucking more convenient." "Let me ask you something." "What would it take for you to feel that things were back in balance with Chelsea?" " Simple." "She has to tell me she loves me." " Even if she doesn't feel it?" "It's even better if she doesn't feel it because that means she's only saying it because she's afraid to lose me." "Wow." "Wow?" "What's "wow"?" "Kind of like "huh" but with a "wuh" and an "ow. "" "I would suggest that you forget about getting the "I love you" back and focus more on what it feels like to give love maybe for the first time in your life." "You know, I can get the drugs without you." "I got a nephew in junior high." "Do what you gotta do." "Now let's get back to that mom-shaped doughnut of yours." " So you really told her you loved her?" " Yeah." "Were you loaded?" " No." " Were you trying to get her to do something kinky?" " No." " Did she catch you doing something kinky to somebody else?" " No." " By yourself?" "No." "Then I don't get it." "What was your angle?" "My angle was I love her." "Huh." "Why does everybody go "huh"?" "What's with the "huh"?" " We always knew this day would come." " What day?" "The day you stopped manipulating and conning women." "The day you dropped your guard and let an honest emotion into your heart." "That's a good day, right?" "If you don't mind being some broad's prison bitch." "What are you gonna do now?" "I don't know." "I can't keep seeing her, because the relationship's out of balance and I can't stop seeing her, because I love her." "I feel for you." "I once loved a guy who didn't love me back." " What did you do?" " Ninety days in county." "Plus anger-management classes which, by the way, are a total freaking waste of time." " Hey." " Hey." "Have you ever been in love?" "Hey, Alan." "Ocupado." "I got it, I got it, I got it." "I know how to restore the balance of power with Chelsea." "Excuse me." "What part of "ocupado" don't you understand?" "The "ocu" or the "pado"?" "I understood it all, I was just hoping you were shaving." "Well, I'm not, and as you well know, this is an uphill battle for me even in the best of circumstances." "Yeah, yeah, yeah, but this is important." "I'm gonna get an "I love you" from Chelsea." "If you let me finish, you'll get one from me." "Check this out." "Oh, Charlie, this is so sudden." "If you'll wait a few minutes, I'll have a gift for you." " I'm gonna marry Chelsea." " Are you serious?" "Serious enough to ignore what's going on right in front of me." " Well, congratulations, I guess." " Thank you." "Let's see her not say "I love you" now." "Let's see what marriage does to his bowels." " How's your salmon?" " Delicious." " This is such a romantic restaurant." " I'm glad you like it." " Have you been here before?" " No." "Yes." "Well, a couple times." "A lot." "I know you've dated other women." "Why would you lie?" "Survival instinct." "Same reason I don't drink in the bathtub anymore." "What else have you lied to me about?" "I don't know." "What else haven't you believed?" "You're awful." " Awful good, right?" " Yeah." "Excuse me, I have to powder my nose." "Okay, who's lying now?" "Bobby." "Is everything all right?" "Yeah, terrific." "My date's in the ladies' room." " I need you to do something." " Not a problem." "I'll have the valet bring your car around to the alley I'll open the mers room window so you can shimmy out and I'll have a cab take the lady home along with the customary chocolate soufflé to go." "No, no, no, I'm not breaking up with her." "I'm gonna ask her to marry me." "I think we need to get some coffee in you." "I'm not drunk." "I know exactly what I'm doing." "As always." "All I need you to do is bring champagne, pour a glass for her and a glass for me then distract her so I can slip the ring into her glass." "Oh, how charmingly original." " You've seen that before?" " Never." "Here she comes." "Go get the champagne." "I'll keep the bathroom window open just in case." "Charlie, there's something I wanna talk to you about." "Okay." "The other day when you said you loved me, I didn't really respond." "Yes, you did." "You said, "Thank you. " You were very courteous." "It's not that I don't have strong feelings for you." "It's just that taking that extra step is really hard for me." "Well, don't worry about it." "I'm sure you'll take that step when it's appropriate." "Oh, look, champagne." "Ooh, is it a special occasion?" " Every night with you is a special occasion." " I'm going to miss you, sir." "Go do the thing." "Oh, dear." "I hope I'm not having a massive coronary." " Oh, my God, are you all right?" " I'm not sure." "Yes, I'm fine." "The one waiter in L.A. Who's not an actor." " What?" " Uh, nothing." "Nothing." "A toast." "To saying what we feel." "What the hell did I just swallow?" " A one-bedroom condo." " What?" "I put a diamond ring in your champagne glass." " Why?" " What do you mean, "why"?" "I was gonna propose, and I had no idea you'd chug it like a Jell-o shot." " That was a ring I just swallowed?" " Who drinks champagne like that?" "I was thirsty." "Stop yelling at me." "How in God's name could you swallow it so easily?" "Hey, that's one of the things you love about me." " Problem?" " No problem." "Go away." "Car's outside, window's open." " Let's go." " Where?" " The emergency room." " Why?" "Because I have a ring in my stomach." " Oh, don't worry about that." "You'll be fine." " How do you know?" "When Jake was little, he swallowed nickels." "Nothing bad happened." " Are you sure?" " Absolutely." "He still shoots one out every now and then." "Bets me heads or tails." "Just between you and me, I'm even not sure they're the same nickels." "Trust me." "Couple of cups of coffee in the morning, problem solved." "I suppose you're right." " So, what do you say?" " What do I say about what?" " I asked you to marry me." " No, you didn't." "I was about to until you ruined the moment." "I ruined the moment?" "Okay, okay, there's no sense in assigning blame." "The point is, I'm proposing." " You wanna marry me?" " Yes." "I love you." " I don't know what to say." " Say you love me and you'll marry me." "Charlie, you're kind of putting me on the spot here." "Yeah, well, that's kind of built in to the whole proposal concept." "Oh, come on, just say it so we can be even." "Even?" "Is that what this is about?" "Some kind of power thing?" "No, no, no, I meant "so that we can be even closer. "" "Right." "Okay, that was lame." " But don't blame me, blame my shrink." " What?" "If I was properly medicated we wouldn't be having this conversation." "Boy, this keeps getting more and more romantic." "Look, do you love me or not?" " I guess so." " No guessing." "That's not how the process works." "All right, I love you." "Well, great." "Great, good." "That's all I wanted." " But I won't marry you." " What?" "Oh, yeah, right." "That's okay, no biggie." "I just got out of a marriage." "I'm not ready to do it again." "That's fine." "I understand." "I'm not saying no." "I'm just saying not now." "Hey, "not now" is my favorite time for a wedding." "The important thing is that we love each other." " Right." " Equally." " Yes." " Fifty-fifty." "If it means that much to you." "Come on, say it again. "I love you. "" " No." " Why not?" "I wanna see the ring first." "Hey, Berta." "Where do we keep the spaghetti-strainer thingy?" "It's called a colander." "What do you need it for?" "It's not for me, it's for Chelsea." "Okay, what kind of Martha Stewart freak show you got going on up there?" " Trust me, you don't need the details." " I don't want the details." "I just need to know whether to wash it or throw it away when you're done." "Oh, I think you'll wanna throw it away." " Morning." " Hey, Alan." "Congratulate me." "I'm kind of engaged." " So she said yes?" " Not exactly." " You gave her the ring, right?" " Yup." "Well, what did she say?" "You had to be there." "Okay." "So have you set a date?" " For what?" " The wedding." "What wedding?" "Nobody's getting married." "I'm just engaged." "When do we get to see this rock?" "Well, Chelsea just finished her second cup of coffee so I'd guess 15, 20 minutes." "Anybody understand what that was all about?" "I think Chelsea swallowed some nickels." "Chelsea?" "Yeah?" "You've been in there for a while." "How's it going?" "Just fine." " You need any help?" "I brought Alars little poop stool." "Go away." " All right, all right." "But just remember, when you hear a metallic clink, stop." "I think I can handle it." "It's not on my homeowner's policy yet, so if you flush it by mistake, I'm screwed." "Charlie, I swear, if you don't walk away from that door I will eat a block of cheese, and you will never see that ring again." " Okay, I'm walking." "Good." " Love you." "Don't push it, Charlie." "Right back at you." "Oh, Charlie, it's beautiful."