"Narrator:" "IN THE FIFTH CENTURY" "AS THE ONCE-MIGHTY ROMAN EMPIRE CRUMBLED" "THE SOFT UNDERBELLY OF WESTERN EUROPE LA Y INVITINGLY EXPOSED" "TO THE BARBARIAN HORDES TO THE EAST." "ALARIC THE VISIGOTH, GAISERIC THE VANDAL" "AND THEODORIC THE OSTROGOTH IN TURN SWEPT WESTWARD" "IN A REIGN OF TERROR." "BUT NONE SURPASSED IN POWER AND CRUELTY" "THE MIGHTYATTILA THE HUN." "Announcer:" "LADIES AND GENTLEMAN, IT'S THEATTILA THE HUN SHOW." "( audience laughter )" "(The Debbie ReynoLds Show theme song plays )" "Man:" "WITHA LITTLELOVE, JUST A LITTLE LOVE" "OPENYOURHEARTAND  SEE WHERE IT'S NEEDED" "WITHA LITTLELOVE, JUST A LITTLE LOVE" "FEELITIN YOURHEART WHEN YOU'VE SUCCEEDED" "MAKINGALLTHESENSEOFLIFE" "GETTINGSOMESUN IN YOUR LIFE" "MAKINGALL THE CLOUDS ROLL BY" "GETTINGSOMESUN IN YOUR LIFE" "ANDYOUCANLIGHT" "LIGHTUPAGLOOM-CASTSKY" "COLORTHEGLOOMIESTDAY" "CHASEALLYOURCARESAWAY" "WITHA LITTLELOVE, JUST A LITTLE LOVE" "WITHA LITTLELOVE" "Chorus:" "JUSTALITTLELOVE" "WITHA LITTLELOVE..." "Narrator:" "IN THE SECOND QUARTER OF THE FIFTH CENTURY" "THE HUNS BECAMEA BYWORD FOR MERCILESS SA VAGERY." "THEIR KHAN WAS THE MIGHTY WARRIOR, ATTILA." "WITH HIS DEVASTATING ARMIES, HE SWEPTACROSS CENTRAL EUROPE." "( in American accent ):" "OH, DARLING, I'M HOME!" "( canned laughter )" "HELLO, DARLING." "HAVE A BUSY DAY AT THE OFFICE?" "NOT AT ALL BAD." "ANOTHER MERCILESS SWEEP ACROSS CENTRAL EUROPE." "( canned laughter )" "WELL, I WON'T SAY I'M GLAD TO SEE YOU" "BUT, BOY, AM I GLAD TO SEE YOU!" "( canned laughter )" "( canned cheering )" "HI, DADDY." "( canned laughter )" "HI, DADDY." "( canned laughter )" "HI, JENNY, HI, ROBBY." "( canned cheering )" "HEY, I'VE GOT A PRESENT FOR YOU TWO KIDS" "IN THAT BAG." "IN THAT BAG." "( canned laughter )" "I WANT YOU KIDS TO GET "A-HEAD."" "( canned laughter and cheering )" "HEAH YOU ARE, MISTER HUN." "( canned applause )" "HI, UNCLE TOM." "THERE'S A WHOLE HORDE O' DEM MARAUDIN' VISIGOTHS" "TO SEE Y'ALL." "( canned laughter )" "AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT." "IT'S... ( canned cheering )" "( Sousa's "Liberty Bell March" playing )" "MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS." "[Captioning sponsored by THE U.S. DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION and AE TELEVISION NETWORKS]" "( music ends with fart )" "YES, IT'SATTILA THE NUN!" "A SIMPLE COUNTRY GIRL WHO TOOK A VOW OF ETERNAL BRUTALITY." "( grunting, growling )" "NURSE!" "HELLO, MISS NORRIS, HOW ARE YOU?" "NOT TOO BAD, THANK YOU, DOCTOR." "YES, WELL, I THINK I'D BETTER EXAMINE YOU." "UM, WHAT ARE THEY DOING HERE?" "Doctor:" "UH, IT'S ALL RIGHT" "THEY'RE STUDENTS." "UM..." "LIGHT, PLEASE, NURSE." "OH, AND UH, MUSIC, TOO." "( striptease musicplays )" "BREATHE IN..." "OUT." "Doctor:" "IN..." "OUT." "IN..." "THANK YOU, THANK YOU." "CHARLES CROMPTON, THE STRIPPING DOCTOR." "AND NEXT, GENTLEMEN AND LADIES, HERE AT THE PEEPHOLE CLUB" "FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME, A VERY BIG WELCOME, PLEASE" "FOR THE SECRETARY OF STATE FOR COMMONWEALTH AFFAIRS." "GOOD EVENING." "TONIGHT I'D LIKE TO RESTATE" "OUR POSITION ON AGRICULTURAL SUBSIDIES" "AND THEIR EFFECT ON OUR COMMONWEALTH RELATIONSHIPS." "( striptease musicplaying )" "NOW, ALTHOUGH WE BELIEVE, THEORETICALLY" "IN ENDING GUARANTEED FARM PRICES" "WE ALSO BELIEVE IN THE NEED FOR A CORRESPONDING IMPORT LEVY" "TO MAINTAIN CONSUMER PRICES AT A REALISTIC LEVEL." "BUT THIS WOULD HAVE THE EFFECT OF CONSOLIDATING" "OUR GAINS OF THE PREVIOUS FISCAL YEAR PRIOR TO THE ENTRY." "BUT I PLEDGE THAT, SHOULD WE JOIN THE COMMON MARKET" "EVEN MAINTAINING THE PRESENT POSITION ON SUBSIDIES" "WE WILL NEVER JEOPARDIZE, WE WILL NEVER COMPROMISE" "OUR UNIQUE RELATIONSHIP WITH THE COMMONWEALTH COUNTRIES." "A PRICES STRUCTURE RELATED TO ANY IMPORT CHARGES" "WILL BE SYSTEMATICALLY ADJUSTED TO THE PARTICULAR REQUIREMENTS" "OF OUR COMMONWEALTH PARTNERS." "( laughter )" "SO THAT TOGETHER WE WILL MAINTAIN" "A POSITIVE AND MUTUALLY BENEFICIAL ALLIANCE" "IN WORLD TRADE AND FOR WORLD PEACE." "THANK YOU AND GOOD NIGHT." "( scattered applause )" "WASN'T HE MARVELOUS?" "THE SECRETARY OF STATE FOR COMMONWEALTH AFFAIRS." "AND NOW, GENTLEMEN AND LADIES, A VERY BIG WELCOME, PLEASE" "FOR THE MINISTER OF PENSIONS AND THE SOCIAL SECURITY." "( belly dancing musicplays )" "( "Pomp and Circumstance"plays )" "Narrator:" "YES, TODA Y IN BRITAIN THERE IS" "A NEW WA VE OF INTEREST IN POLITICSAND POLITICIANS." "WELL, WE'RE IN IT FOR THE LOBBYING, YOU KNOW." "WE JUST LOVE LOBBYING." "AND THE DEBATES." "YOU KNOW, A GOOD DEBATE IS JUST FABULOUS." "WELL, I'VE BEEN GOING WITH MINISTERS FOR FIVE YEARS NOW" "AND, UH, YOU KNOW, I THINK THEY'RE WONDERFUL." "OH, YES, I LIKE CIVIL SERVANTS." "OH, YES, THEY'RE NICE." "I..." "I LIKE THE SPEAKER." "OH, YEAH." "I LIKE BLACK ROD." "WHAT DO THEIR PARENTS THINK?" "WELL, SHE'S BROKEN OUR HEARTS, THE LITTLE BASTARD." "SHE'S BEEN NOTHING BUT TROUBLE" "AND IF SHE COMES ROUND HERE AGAIN, I'LL KICK HER TEETH IN." "( door closes )" "HAVE YOU BEEN TALKING TO TELEVISION AGAIN, DEAR?" "YES, I BLOODY TOLD 'EM." "WHAT ABOUT?" "I DON'T KNOW." "WAS IT REGINALD BOSANQUET?" "NO, NO, NO." "DID HE HAVE HIS HEAD ALL BANDAGED?" "NO, IT WASN'T LIKE THAT." "THEY HAD LOTS OF LIGHTS" "AND CAMERAS AND TAPE RECORDERS" "ALL THAT SORT OF THING." "OH, THAT'LL BE RAY BAXTER" "AND THE BOYS AND GIRLS FROM TOMORROW'S WORLD." "OOH, I PREFER REGINALD BOSANQUET." "THERE'S NOT SO MANY OF 'EM." "( doorbell rings )" "OH, THAT'LL BE THE RATCATCHER." "HELLO, MR. AND MRS. CONCRETE?" "YES?" "WELL, WELL, WELL, WELL, WELL, WELL, WELL, WELL, WELL, WELL" "WELL, HOW VERY NICE." "ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE MYSELF." "I'M LESLIE AMES, THE CHAIRMAN OF THE TEST SELECTION COMMITTEE" "AND I'M VERY PLEASED TO BE ABLE TO TELL YOU" "THAT YOUR FLAT HAS BEEN CHOSEN" "AS THE VENUE FOR THE THIRD TEST AGAINST THE WEST INDIES." "REALLY?" "NO, IT WAS JUST A LITTLE JOKE." "ACTUALLY I'M THE COUNCIL RATCATCHER." "OH, YES, WE'VE BEEN EXPECTING YOU." "OH, I GATHER YOU'VE GOT" "A LITTLE RODENTAL PROBLEM." "OH, BLIMEY!" "YOU'D THINK" "HE WAS AWAKE ALL THE NIGHT" "SCRABBLING DOWN BY THE WAINSCOTTING." "MMM, THAT'S AN INTERESTING WORD, ISN'T IT?" "WHAT?" "WAINSCOTTING." "WAINSCOTTING, WAINSCOTTING." "SOUNDS LIKE A LITTLE DORSET VILLAGE." "WAINSCOTTING." "WE'VE BEEN MENTIONED ON TELLY!" "UH, WHERE IS IT WORST?" "WELL, DOWN HERE" "YOU CAN USUALLY HEAR THEM." "SHH!" "SHH!" "SHH!" "( bleating )" "NO, THAT'S SHEEP YOU'VE GOT THERE." "( bleating continues )" "NO, THAT'S DEFINITELY SHEEP." "A BIT OF A PUZZLE, REALLY." "IS IT?" "YEAH, WELL, I MEAN IT'S "A," NOT GOING TO RESPOND" "TO A NICE PIECE OF CHEESE" "AND "B," IT ISN'T GOING TO FIT INTO A TRAP." "OH, WHAT YOU GONNA DO?" "WELL, WE'LL HAVE TO LOOK FOR THE HOLE." "OH, YEAH." "UH..." "OOH..." "HEY!" "THERE'S ONE HERE." "NO, NO, NO, THAT'S MICE." "( laughter )" "OH!" "THIS IS WHAT WE'RE AFTER!" "( laughter )" "EXCUSE ME, IS THE THIRD TEST IN HERE?" "NO, NO, THAT WAS A JOKE, IT'S A JOKE." "( laughter )" "RIGHT!" "WELL, I'M GOING IN THE WAINSCOTTING." "THEY SAID IT AGAIN!" "LAY DOWN SOME SHEEP POISON." "OOH." "( bleating )" "( gunshot )" "( yelling in pain )" "OOH, IT'S GOT A GUN!" "OOH!" "BLIMEY." "NOW, NORMALLY A SHEEP IS" "A PLACID, TIMID CREATURE" "BUT YOU'VE GOT A KILLER!" "( laughter )" "IT'S AN ENTIRELY NEW STRAIN OF SHEEP" " A KILLER SHEEP" "THAT CAN NOT ONLY HOLD A RIFLE" "BUT IS ALSO A FIRST-CLASS SHOT." "BUT WHERE ARE THEY COMING FROM, PROFESSOR?" "THAT I DON'T KNOW." "I JUST DON'T KNOW." "I REALLY JUST DON'T KNOW." "I'M AFRAID I REALLY JUST DON'T KNOW." "I'M AFRAID EVEN I REALLY JUST DON'T KNOW." "I HAVE TO TELL YOU" "I'M AFRAID EVEN I REALLY JUST DON'T KNOW." "I'M AFRAID I HAVE TO TELL YOU THAT..." "THANK YOU." "I DON'T KNOW." "OUR ONLY CLUE IS THIS PORTION OF WOLF'S CLOTHING" "WHICH THE KILLER SHEEP..." "WAS WEARING..." "IN YESTERDAY'S RAID ON SELFRIDGES." "I'LL CARRY OUT TESTS ON IT" "STRAIGHT AWAY, PROFESSOR." "( inJamaican accent ):" "HELLO, IS THE THIRD TEST IN HERE, PLEASE?" "( laughter )" "PROFESSOR, THERE ARE SOME CRICKETERS" "IN THE LABORATORY." "THIS MAY BE EVEN MORE SERIOUS" "THAN EVEN I HAD AT FIRST BEEN IMAGINING." "WHAT A STRANGE, STRANGE LINE." "THERE'S NO TIME TO WASTE!" "GET ME THE CHIEF COMMISSIONER OF POLICE." "YES, SIR." "NO, NO, ON THE PHONE!" "LOOK OF FEAR!" "ANOTHER STRANGE LINE." "LOOK OUT, MISS GARTER OIL!" "PROFESSOR, WHAT IS IT?" "WHAT HAVE YOU SEEN?" "LOOK, THERE IN THE DOORWAY!" "( screams )" "ARTHUR X, LEADER OF THE PENNINE GANG." "DON'T NOBODY MOVE." "ALL RIGHT, BOYS, WE'RE PUTTIN' PLAN "A" INTO OPERATION." "BUGSY, LOUIE, MOVE OUT." "( gunfire )" "NEXT" " BASIL, YOU AND THE KID" " MOVE." "( gunfire )" "OKAY, BOYS, THIS TIME WE GO FOR THE HEAVY STUFF." "( explosion )" "( banjo and bass play "Foggy Mountain Breakdown" )" "BUT SOON THE KILLER SHEEP BEGAN TO INFECT OTHER ANIMALS" "WITH ITS STARTLING INTELLIGENCE." "PUSSYCATS BEGAN TO ARRANGE MORTGAGES." "COCKER SPANIELS BEGAN TO DESIGN SUPERMARKETS." "AND PARROTS STARTED TO ANNOUNCE TELEVISION PROGRAMS." "IT'S 8:00 AND TIME FOR THE NEWS." "GOOD EVENING, HERE IS THE NEWS FOR PARROTS." "NO PARROTS WERE INVOLVED IN AN ACCIDENT ON THE M-1 TODAY" "WHEN A LORRY CARRYING HIGH- OCTANE FUEL WAS IN COLLISION" "WITH A BOLLARD." "THAT IS A BOLLARD AND NOT A PARROT." "A SPOKESMAN FOR PARROTS SAID" "HE WAS GLAD NO PARROTS WERE INVOLVED." "( laughter )" "THE MINISTER OF TECHNOLOGY TODAY MET THE THREE RUSSIAN LEADERS" "TO DISCUSS A $4 MILLION AIRLINER DEAL." "NONE OF THEM WENT IN THE CAGE" "OR SWUNG ON THE LITTLE WOODEN TRAPEZE" "OR ATE ANY OF THE NICE MILLET SEED" " YUM, YUM." "THAT'S THE END OF THE NEWS." "NOW OUR PROGRAMS FOR PARROTS CONTINUE" "WITH PART THREE OF A TALE OF TWO CITIES" "SPECIALLY ADAPTED FOR PARROTS BY JOEY BOY." "THE STORY SO FAR:" "DR. MANETTE IS IN ENGLAND, AFTER 18 YEARS IN THE BASTILLE." "HIS DAUGHTER, LUCY, AWAITS HER LOVER, CHARLES DARNAY" "WHOM WE HAVE JUST LEARNED" "IS IN FACT THE NEPHEW OF THE MARQUIS de ST." "EVREMONDE" "WHOSE CRUELTY HAD PLACED MANETTE IN THE BASTILLE." "DARNAY ARRIVES TO FIND LUCY TENDING HER AGED FATHER." "( imitating parrot ):" "'ALLO, 'ALLO!" "'ALLO, 'ALLO, 'ALLO!" "WHO'S A PRETTY BOY, THEN?" "WHO'S A PRETTY BOY?" "( all squawking at once )" "AND WHILE THAT'S GOING ON, HERE IS THE NEWS FOR GIBBONS." "NO GIBBONS WERE INVOLVED..." "Announcer:" "AND WHILE THAT'S GOING ON, HERE FROM WESTMINSTER" "ISA PARLIAMENTARY REPORT FOR HUMANS." "IN THE DEBATE, A SPOKESMAN ACCUSED THE GOVERNMENT" "OF BEING SILLY AND DOING NOT AT ALL GOOD THINGS." "THE MEMBER ACCEPTED THIS IN A SPIRIT OF HEALTHY CRITICISM" "BUT DENIED THAT HE'D EVER BEEN NAUGHTY WITH A CHOIRBOY." "ANGRY SHOUTS OF "WHAT ABOUT THE WATERMELON, THEN?"" "WERE ORDERED BY THE SPEAKER TO BE STRICKEN FROM THE RECORD" "AND PUT INTO A BROWN PAPER BAG IN THE LAVVY." "ANY FURTHER INTERRUPTIONS WOULD BE CUT OFF" "AND DISTRIBUTED AMONGST THE POOR." "FOR THE GOVERNMENT, A FRONT BENCH SPOKESMAN SAID" "THE AGRICULTURAL TARIFF WOULD HAVE TO BE RAISED" "AND HE FANCIED A BIT." "FURTHERMORE, HE ARGUED" "THIS WOULD GIVE A LARGE BOOST TO FARMERS, AND A LOT OF FUN" "TO HIM, HIS FRIEND AND MISS MOIST OF KNIGHTSBRIDGE." "FROM THE BACK BENCHES" "THERE WERE OPPOSITION SHOUTS OF "POSTCARDS FOR SALE!"" "AND A HEALTHY CRY OF "WHO LIKES A SAILOR, THEN?"" "FROM THE MINISTER WITHOUT PORTFOLIO." "( laughter )" "REPLYING, THE SHADOW MINISTER SAID" "HE COULD NO LONGER DENY THE RUMORS" "BUT HE AND THE DACHSHUND WERE VERY HAPPY." "AND, IN ANY CASE, HE ARGUED, RHUBARB WAS CHEAP" "AND WHAT WAS THE HARM IN A SAUNA BATH." "...WERE NOT INVOLVED." "THE MINISTER OF TECHNOLOGY MET THE THREE RUSSIAN LEADERS TODAY" "TO DISCUSS A $4 MILLION AIRLINER DEAL." "NONE OF THEM WERE INDIGENOUS TO AUSTRALIA" "CARRIED THEIR BABIES IN POUCHES" "OR ATE ANY OF THOSE YUMMY EUCALYPTUS LEAVES." "YUM, YUM." "THAT'S THE NEWS FOR WOMBATS, AND NOW ATTILA THE BUN!" "( shouting viciously )" "WELL, THAT'S ALL FOR ATTILA THE BUN." "AND NOW, IDIOTS." "Announcer:" "ARTHUR FIGGIS ISAN IDIOT, A VILLAGE IDIOT." "TONIGHT WE LOOK AT THE IDIOT IN SOCIETY." "( intelligently ):" "WELL, I FEEL VERY KEENLY" "THAT THE IDIOT IS A PART OF THE OLD VILLAGE SYSTEM" "AND, AS SUCH, HAS A VITAL ROLE TO PLAY" "IN THE MODERN RURAL SOCIETY, BECAUSE, YOU SEE..." "OOH, AR, OOH, AR!" "( babbling incoherently )" "OOH, AR, THANKEE, VICAR." "BECAUSE THERE IS THIS VERY REAL NEED IN SOCIETY" "FOR SOMEONE WHOM ALMOST ANYONE CAN LOOK DOWN ON AND RIDICULE." "AND THIS IS THE ROLE THAT... ( babbling )" "THANK YOU, MRS. THOMPSON." "THIS IS THE ROLE THAT I AND MEMBERS OF MY FAMILY" "HAVE FULFILLED IN THIS VILLAGE FOR THE PAST 400 YEARS." "AH, GOOD MORNING, MR. JENKINS." "I.C.I. HAVE INCREASED THEIR HALF-YEARLY DIVIDEND, I SEE." "YES, SPLENDID." "THAT'S MR. JENKINS, HE'S ANOTHER IDIOT." "AND SO, YOU SEE, THE IDIOT DOES PROVIDE" "A VITAL PSYCHO-SOCIAL SERVICE FOR THIS COMMUNITY." "OH, EXCUSE ME." "A COACH PARTY'S JUST ARRIVED." "I SHALL HAVE TO FALL OFF THE WALL, I'M AFRAID." "( babbling )" "( crash )" "ARTHUR TAKES IDIOTTING SERIOUSLY." "HE IS UP AT 6:00 EVERY MORNING" "WORKING ON SPECIAL TRAINING EQUIPMENT" "DESIGNED TO KEEP HIM SILLY." "( laughter )" "AND, OF COURSE, HE TAKES GREAT PRIDE IN HISAPPEARANCE." "LIKE THE DOCTOR, THE BLACKSMITH, THE CARPENTER" "MR. FIGGIS ISAN IMPORTANT FIGURE IN THIS VILLAGE." "LIKE THEM, HE USES THE LOCAL BANK." "YES, WE HAVE QUITE A NUMBER OF IDIOTS BANKING HERE." "Interviewer:" "WHAT KIND OF MONEY" "IS THERE IN IDIOTTING?" "WELL, NOWADAYS, THE REALLY BLITHERING IDIOT CAN MAKE" "ANYTHING UP TO $10,000 A YEAR" "IF HE'S THE HEAD OF SOME BIG INDUSTRIAL COMBINE." "BUT, OF COURSE, THE MORE OLD-FASHIONED IDIOT" "STILL REFUSES TO TAKE MONEY." "HE TAKES BITS OF STRING, WOOD" "DEAD BUDGERIGARS, SPARROWS, ANYTHING." "BUT IT DOES MAKE THE CASHIER'S JOB VERY DIFFICULT." "BUT, OF COURSE, THEY'RE FOOLS TO THEMSELVES" "BECAUSE THE RATE OF INTEREST OVER TEN YEARS" "ON A PIECE OF MOSS OR A DEAD VOLE" "IS ALMOST NEGLIGIBLE." "Man:" "MR. BRANDO!" "YES?" "HOLLYWOOD ON THE PHONE." "I'LL TAKE IT IN THE OFFICE." "BUTMR." "FIGGIS IS NO ORDINARY IDIOT." "HE ISA LECTURER IN IDIOCY" "AT THE UNIVERSITY OF EASTANGLIA." "HERE HE IS TAKING A CLASS OF THIRD-YEAR STUDENTS." "( babbling and singing )" "AFTER THREE YEARS OF STUDY" "THESEAPPRENTICE IDIOTS RECEIVE A DIPLOMA OF IDIOCY" "A HANDFUL OFMUD..." "AND A KICK ON THE HEAD." "SOME OF THE OLDER IDIOTS RESENT THE GRADUATE IDIOT." "I'M A COMPLETELY SELF-TAUGHT IDIOT." "I MEAN..." "( mumbles incoherently )" "NOBODY DOES THAT ANYMORE." "ANYBODY WHO DID THAT ROUND HERE" "WOULD BE LAUGHED OFF THE STREET." "NO, NOWADAYS, PEOPLE WANT SOMETHING WITTIER." "KEVIN O'NASSIS WORKS LARGELY WITH WALLS." "WHOA!" "O'Nassis:" "WELL, YOU'VE GOT TO KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING." "I MEAN, SOME PEOPLE THINK I'M MAD." "THE VILLAGERS SAY I'M MAD, THE TOURISTS SAY I'M MAD." "WELL, I AM MAD, BUT I'M NATURALLY MAD." "I DON'T USE ANY CHEMICALS." "WHOA!" "BUT WHAT OF THE IDIOT'S PRIVATE LIFE?" "HOWABOUT HIS RELATIONSHIP WITH WOMEN?" "WELL, I MAY BE AN IDIOT, BUT I'M NO FOOL." "( laughter )" "BUT THE VILLAGE IDIOT'S DIRTY SMOCKAND WALL-FALLING" "AREA FAR CRY FROM THE MODERN WORLD OF THE URBAN IDIOT." "WHAT KINDS OF BACKGROUNDS DO THESE CITY IDIOTS COME FROM?" "( screeching unintelligibly )" "UH..." "UH..." "( mumbling unintelligibly )" "THE HEADQUARTERS OF THESE URBAN IDIOTS" "IS HERE IN ST." "JOHN'S WOOD." "INSIDE, THEY CAN ENJOY THE COMPANY OF OTHER IDIOTS" "AND WATCH SPECIAL PERFORMANCES OF RITUAL IDIOTTING." "WELL LEFT." "WELL-PLAYED." "WELL, WELL." "WELL-BRED." "( groans )" "Commentator:" "GOOD AFTERNOON AND WELCOME TO LORDS" "ON THE SECOND DAY OF THE FIRST TEST." "SO FAR TODAY, WE'VE HAD FIVE HOURS BATTING FROM ENGLAND" "AND ALREADY THEY'RE NAUGHT FOR NAUGHT." "COWDREY IS NOT OUT NAUGHT, AND NAUGHTON IS NOT IN." "KNOTT IS IN AND IS NAUGHT FOR NOT OUT." "NAUGHTON OF NORTHANTS GOT A NASTY KNOCK ON THE NUT" "IN THE NETS LAST NIGHT, BUT IT'S NOTHING OF NOTE." "NEXT IN IS NAT NEWTON OF NOTTS." "NOT NUTTING" " NUTTING'S AT NINE." "NUTTING KNOCKED NEATIE NIGHTIE KNOCK..." "KNOCK... ( babbling )" "ANYWAY, ENGLAND HAVE PLAYED EXTREMELY WELL FOR NOTHING" "NOT A SAUSAGE" " IN REPLY" "TO ICELAND'S FIRST INNINGS TOTAL OF 722 FOR TWO DECLARED" "SCORED YESTERDAY DISAPPOINTINGLY FAST IN ONLY 21 OVERS" "WITH LOTS OF WILD SLOGGING AND BOUNDARIES" "AND ALL SORTS OF RUBBISHY THINGS." "BUT THE MAIN THING IS THAT ENGLAND HAVE MADE" "AN ABSOLUTELY OUTSTANDING START SO FAR." "( wheezes, then sniffs )" "PETER?" "SPLENDID." "JUST LISTEN TO THOSE THIGHS." "AND NOW IT'S THE NORTH EAST'S TURN WITH THE SAMBA" " BRIAN?" "RATHER I'M REMINDED OF THE STORY" "OF GUBBY ALLEN IN '32..." "OH, SHUT UP OR WE'LL CLOSE THE BAR." "AND NOW BO WILDEBURG IS RUNNING UP TO BOWL TO COWDREY." "HE RUNS UP, HE BOWLS TO COWDREY..." "AND NO SHOT AT ALL." "EXTREMELY WELL NOT PLAYED THERE." "YES, BEAUTIFULLY NOT DONE ANYTHING ABOUT." "A SUPERB SHOT OF NO KIND WHATSOEVER." "I WELL REMEMBER PLUM WARNER" "LEAVING A VERY SIMILAR BALL ALONE IN 1732." "OH, SHUT UP, LONG NOSE." "( laughter )" "AND NOW IT'S BO WILDEBURG RUNNING IN AGAIN" "TO BOWL TO COWDREY." "HE RUNS IN, HE BOWLS TO COWDREY..." "AND NO SHOT AT ALL." "A SUPERB DISPLAY OF INERTIA THERE." "AND THAT'S THE END OF THE OVER, AND DRINKS." "GIN AND TONIC, PLEASE." "NO, NO, THE PLAYERS ARE HAVING DRINKS." "AND NOW WHAT'S HAPPENING?" "I THINK COWDREY'S BEING TAKEN..." "YES, COWDREY IS BEING CARRIED OFF." "WELL, I NEVER!" "NOW, WHO'S IN NEXT?" "IT SHOULD BE NUMBER THREE, NATT NEWTON OF NOTTS." "GET YOUR HAND OFF MY THIGH, WEST." "NO, I DON'T THINK IT IS." "I THINK IT'S..." "IT'S THE SOFA..." "NO, IT'S THE CHESTERFIELD." "THE GREEN CHESTERFIELD IS COMING IN AT NUMBER THREE" "TO TAKE GUARD NOW." "I WELL REMEMBER A SIMILAR DIVAN" "BEING BROUGHT ON AT HEADINGLEY IN 9 B.C." "AGAINST THE DARKIES." "OH, SHUT UP, ELEPHANT SNOUT." "AND NOW THE GREEN CHESTERFIELD HAS TAKEN GUARD" "AND, AH!" "ICELAND ARE PUTTING ON THEIR SPIN DRYER TO BOWL." "THE SPIN DRYER MOVING BACK TO HIS MARK" "IT RUNS OUT TO THE WICKET, BOWLS TO THE TABLE..." "A LITTLE BIT SHORT, BUT IT'S COMING IN A BIT THERE" "AND IT'S HIT HIM ON THE PAD!" "THERE'S AN APPEAL AND THE TABLE IS OUT" " LEG BEFORE WICKET." "THAT IS ENGLAND NAUGHT FOR ONE." "AND NOW WE LEA VE LORDSAND GO OVER TO EPSOM FOR THE 3:00." "Commentator:" "WELL, HERE AT EPSOM, WE TAKE UP THE RUNNING" "WITH 50 YARDS OF THIS MILE-AND-A-HALF RACE TO GO" "AND IT'S THE WASH BASIN IN THE LEAD FROM W.C. PEDESTAL." "TUCKED IN NICELY THERE IS THE SOFA GOING VERY WELL" "WITH JOANNA SOUTHCOTT'S BOX" "MAKING A GOOD RUN FROM HAT STAND ON THE RAILS." "AND THE STANDARD LAMP IS FADING FAST" "BUT IT'S WASH BASIN DEFINITELY TAKING UP THE RUNNING NOW" "BEING STRONGLY PRESSED BY W.C." "AT THE POST, IT'S THE WASH BASIN FROM W.C." "THEN SOFA, HAT STAND, STANDARD LAMP" "AND LASTLY, JOANNA SOUTHCOTT'S BOX." "OPEN THE BOX!" "OPEN THE BOX!" "OPEN THE BOX!" "OPEN THE BOX!" "AND COULD WE HAVE THE NEXT CONTENDER, PLEASE?" "( audience laughter )" "( chuckling )" "GOOD EVENING, MADAM." "AND YOUR NAME IS?" "YES, YES." "AND WHAT'S YOUR NAME?" "I GO TO CHURCH REGULARLY." "JOLLY GOOD, I SEE." "AND WHICH PRIZE DO YOU HAVE" "PARTICULAR EYES ON THIS EVENING?" "OH, I'D LIKE THE BLOW ON THE HEAD." "THE BLOW ON THE HEAD." "JUST THERE." "JOLLY GOOD." "WELL, YOUR FIRST QUESTION" "FOR THE BLOW ON THE HEAD THIS EVENING IS:" "WHAT GREAT OPPONENT OF CARTESIAN DUALISM" "RESISTS THE REDUCTION OF PSYCHOLOGICAL PHENOMENA" "TO PHYSICAL STATES?" "I DON'T KNOW THAT!" "WELL, HAVE A GUESS." "HENRI BERGSON." "IS THE CORRECT ANSWER!" "OH, THAT WAS LUCKY." "I NEVER EVEN HEARD OF HIM." "JOLLY GOOD." "I DON'T LIKE DARKIES." "( chortling )" "WHO DOES?" "AND NOW YOUR SECOND QUESTION" "FOR THE BLOW ON THE HEAD IS:" "WHAT IS THE MAIN FOOD THAT PENGUINS EAT?" "PORK LUNCHEON MEAT." "NO." "SPAM?" "NO, NO, NO, WHAT DO PENGUINS EAT?" "PENGUINS." "PENGUINS?" "YES." "I HATE PENGUINS." "NO, NO, NO." "THEY EAT THEMSELVES." "NO, NO, WHAT DO PENGUINS EAT?" "HORSES!" "ARMCHAIRS!" "NO, NO, WHAT DO PENGUINS EAT?" "OH, PENGUINS." "PENGUINS." "CANNELLONI." "LASAGNA, MOUSSAKA, LOBSTER THERMIDOR" "ESCALOPES DE VEAU A L'ESTRAGON AVEC ENDIVES" "GRATINEED WITH CHEESE." "NO, I'LL GIVE YOU A CLUE." "AH!" "BRIAN CLOSE." "( laughter )" "NO, NO." "BRIAN INGLIS, BRIAN JOHNSON, BRYAN FORBES." "NO, NO." "NANETTE NEWMAN." "NO, WHAT SWIMS IN THE SEA" "AND GETS CAUGHT IN NETS?" "HENRI BERGSON." "NO!" "GOATS." "UNDERWATER GOATS WITH SNORKELS AND FLIPPERS." "A BUFFALO WITH AN AQUALUNG." "NO." "REGINALD MAUDLING." "YES, THAT'S NEAR ENOUGH, I'LL GIVE YOU THAT." "RIGHT NOW, MRS. SCUM, YOU HAVE WON YOUR PRIZE." "DO YOU STILL WANT THE BLOW ON THE HEAD?" "YES, YES." "I'LL OFFER YOU A POKE IN THE EYE." "NO, I WANT THE BLOW ON THE HEAD." "A PUNCH IN THE THROAT?" "NO!" "ALL RIGHT THEN, A KICK IN THE KNEECAP." "NO." "MRS. SCUM, I'M OFFERING YOU A BOOT IN THE TEETH" "AND A DAGGER UP THE STRAP." "( hesitantly ):" "ER..." "Audience members ( shouting ):" "TAKE THE BLOW ON THE HEAD!" "NO, I'LL TAKE THE BLOW ON THE HEAD." "VERY WELL THEN, MRS. SCUM" "YOU HAVE WON TONIGHT'S STAR PRIZE" "THE BLOW ON THE HEAD!" "( ding )" "( Sousa's "Liberty Bell March" playing )" "[Captioning sponsored by THE U.S. DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION and AE TELEVISION NETWORKS" "Captioned by The Caption Center WGBH educational Foundation]" "( applause )" "( music ends with fart )"