"Would you look at all these credit card charges?" "I thought we agreed to cut down on our spending." "I didn't agree." "I said I thought it was a good idea, okay?" "And I still do." "Why do you need to buy all this stuff?" "It's Christmas." "Don't be such a Scrooge." "Well, since when is it my job to make sure everybody has a gift?" "Carl, let's go!" "Shake a leg!" "Yeah." "We'll just get some coffee for the road." "Traffic's gonna be a bitch." "Should we take the Eisenhower?" "Uh, you know, I was thinking surface streets." "Yeah, that's a good plan." "One drop of snow, people start driving like idiots." "Okay, fellas, dinner's at 6:00." "Don't be late." "Ham waits for no one." "You got it, my dear." "All right, let's hit it." "You look a little skinny from behind there." "You lost some weight?" "Eh, I'm trying." "♪ La, la-ba-dee-da ♪" "♪ La, la-ba-dee-da ♪" "♪ For the first time in my life ♪" "♪ I see love ♪" "♪ I see love ♪" "♪ For the first time in my life ♪" "♪ I see love ♪" "♪ I see love. ♪" "(Bing Crosby's "Mele Kalikimaka" plays)" "What is it with this song?" "Feels like it's on a constant loop." "'Cause it is." "It's Molly's favorite." "Which means it's all of our favorites." "Well, at a certain point, it's no longer festive." "It's-it's psychological torture." "(turns music off)" "I'd turn it back on before Molly decks your balls and roasts your chestnuts." "How come it's always about what she wants?" "Well..." "I like Christmas, too." "Oh, is this about cooking your stupid seven fish?" "Well, not just that." "But what harm would it do?" "It would make the house stink like seven fish." "And that, to me, is what Christmas smells like." "Hey... (laughs)" "Not that I'm angry, but, uh, who bought the wrong popcorn balls, huh?" "Was that...?" "They were out of the ones you usually get." "Oh." "And you looked everywhere?" "No, ma'am." "That's okay." "That's okay." "You know who's gonna love 'em?" "The birds." "(whispering): 'Cause they don't care that they're ugly." "MOLLY:" "Oh..." "Oh, how are the cookies?" "They're coming along nicely." "Oh..." "What do you think?" "Wha...?" "Two buttons for a gingerbread man." "Hmm. (laughs) Ah." "Three seemed like overkill." "Oh, we must have been overkilling it for the last 30 years." "(forced laugh)" "(forced laughter)" "MOLLY:" "Oh!" "Oh!" "Add another button." "Oh, look at that." "Oh!" "This..." "This, yes..." "This, this, this." "Oh, that just... (sighs)" "That just feels better, right?" "Yeah." "Am I right?" "Oh, good job." "Hey..." "Who turned off the music?" "Huh?" "(music resumes)" "BING CROSBY:" "♪ Mele Kalikimaka ♪" "Everybody." "♪ Is the thing to say ♪" "Everybody!" "♪ On a bright Hawaiian ♪" "♪ Christmas Day ♪" "♪ Mele Kalikimaka ♪ ♪ That's the island greeting ♪" "♪ That we send to you from the land... ♪" "I get having a few holiday rituals, but there's a fine line between tradition and fascism." "What's that?" "BOTH:" "Nothing." "♪ The sun to shine by day and all the stars at night ♪" "♪ Mele Kalikimaka is Hawaii's way ♪" "♪ To say Merry Christmas to you... ♪" "CARL:" "...reindeer for your brother, but, you know, it never hurts to ask." "Okay, let's pick it up, Jingles." "We got a long line of wonderful children and a ham waiting at home." "You got it, Santa." "(playful whooshing)" "Ho, ho, ho, ho!" "And who do we have here?" "(in high-pitched voice):" "Well, this is Katie, Santa." "She's in Girl Scouts, she likes unicorns, her favorite food is banana pancakes." "She's got a Chihuahua dog named Nacho, and she's allergic to soy and, apparently, walnuts." "Just need the name, Jingles, not her complete medical history." "So, Katie, have you been a good girl this year?" "Yes." "Well, why don't you whisper in Santa's ear and tell me what you want for Christmas, while Jingles gets you a nice gift?" "So many to choose from." "(gasps)" "Is this the perfect one for Katie?" "No. (gasps)" "Is this the perfect one for Katie?" "No." "Is this the perfect one for Katie?" "Pick one!" "All right, Katie, here you go." "The perfect gift." "Ho, ho, ho." "How about that?" "Thank you, Santa." "Ho, ho, ho, ho." "Jingles, a-a-a word." "(jolly chuckling)" "Ho, ho, ho!" "(chuckling)" "What the hell are you doing?" "We should have been done an hour ago." "Well, I can't help it if there's a bigger turnout this year." "For the under-eight crowd, your lap is the place to be and be seen." "Yeah, well, I'd like to be seen before New Year's." "Can we pick up the pace, please?" "All right, you got it." "Thank you." "Thank you." "All right, kids." "Ho, ho." "Ho, ho." "All right, kids, we got to speed it up a little." "Santa's got things to do tonight." "We've got his reindeer all gassed up and ready to fly." "You do know his reindeer, don't you?" "(hip-hop intro plays)" "♪ You got Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen ♪" "♪ You got Comet, you got Cupid, you got Donner ♪" "♪ You got Blitzen!" "♪" "(dramatic instrumental interlude plays)" "BING CROSBY: ♪ Mele Kalikimaka is the thing to say ♪" "♪ On a bright... ♪" "Oh, look at this." "(gasps) Remember?" "We got this at Navy Pier." "Oh." "1989..." "Remember we used all our Skee-Ball tickets to get it?" "Yup, that ornament only cost me $49 and a boob flash to the carny." "Ah-ah, ah-ah...!" "Where are you putting that?" "On the tree?" "Well, I know that." "I just..." "Don't you think it might be better over on this side, so when the sun comes in in the morning, kind of...?" "Here." "Oh, well, okay." "I am never running an errand on Christmas Eve again." "It's like a holly-jolly end of days out there." "It wasn't a total loss, though." "I found my first contribution to the Flynn family Christmas tree." "Santa in the outhouse." "JOYCE:" "Aw...!" "Aw, look at him sitting on the pot." "That is adorable." "It really humanizes him, doesn't it?" "Wait." "Best part." "(toilet flushes)" "ORNAMENT SANTA:" "Ho, ho..." "Whoa!" "Where should I hang it?" "No, no, no." "You're not hanging a toilet on my tree." "Oh, I forgot." "Your tree, the way you want it." "What about the rest of us?" "Don't we get a say?" "I don't see anybody else complaining." "'Cause they're too scared." "Oh, really?" "We are a little scared of you." "Well, how... how... how am I possibly a scary person?" "Christmas lives in my soul." "VINCE:" "It'll slide right in here next to the clay cactus." "MOLLY:" "No, don't touch..." "Oh, no." "What have you done?" "I-I'm..." "I'm sorry." "I-I..." "Don't touch it!" "It was an accident." "I'll get her a new one." "You can't replace that one." "She made it with her dad." "Ah, geez." "(ornament toilet flushes)" "ORNAMENT SANTA:" "Now that's a Yule log." "Ah... there you are." "(sighs)" "What are you doing?" "Oh, that breeze is blowing right up my elf skirt." "Jack Frost is nipping at a whole lot more than my nose." "Why couldn't Ramirez load the truck?" "Well, he was gonna, but I sent him home to his family." "What about my family?" "I got one, too." "Well, in the spirit of the season," "I didn't think about you." "Yeah, you never seem to." "You do this every year." "You volunteer me for all this stuff without even asking." "You love being Santa." "This isn't being Santa." "This is being the UPS guy." "I should have switched to a brown outfit." "You don't think Santa loaded his sleigh?" "No, he doesn't." "That's why he owns elves." "Owns elves?" "!" "What the hell is that supposed to mean?" "(latch clicks)" "What was that?" "Probably some kids screwing around." "Hey, you kids, I know you're having fun, but Santa's still back here!" "(engine starts)" "Are you kidding me?" "Our truck's getting jacked!" "Ow!" "Oh, quit using that elf voice!" "I'm not." "I feel on a Rubik's Cube!" "Aah!" "Okay, okay." "I've been tracking our driving pattern in my head." "We've taken one left turn, two rights, and I think we passed a sewage plant or you passed a sewage plant." "Just give me your phone so I can call this in." "Mine's back at the community center." "Look at me... tell me where I got room for a phone." "No phones, no guns, no badges." "What are we gonna do when those guys open that door?" "All right, let's just see where we are in terms of weapons." "Okay, all right, we got some Hulk fists." "Ah." "Ah." "Some Nerf nunchucks." "Boom." "Etch A Sketch." "Great." "If we get a peek at 'em, you'll be able to knob out a composite." "Hey, I'm just taking inventory of our resources." "Pardon me if my training kicks in." "They don't know that we're unarmed." "So I say we identify ourselves and tell 'em backup's on the way." "Okay." "(banging)" "Pull over!" "Pull over right now!" "Chicago PD!" "(brakes squeak, engine slows and stops)" "Okay." "Just be cool." "Follow my lead." "MAN:" "Is somebody back there?" "Chicago PD!" "You are under arrest!" "Open this back door, lay on the ground, put your hands behind your head!" "MAN 2:" "Yeah, I don't think so." "You don't want to make this any worse than it already is!" "Yeah, 'cause you're looking at grand theft, kidnapping, and-and not coming to a full stop at a stop sign." "You think I didn't feel that?" "!" "MAN:" "You guys are really scaring us back there, all locked up and not being able to do anything about it." "MAN 2:" "Instead of dealing with all this, maybe we should just drive the truck into the lake." "They make good points." "Believe me, you don't want to do that!" "MAN:" "Why not?" "Because..." "I will be very disappointed in you!" "I'm warning you guys, this is your last chance!" "Let us out of here now!" "Hello?" "I think they left us in here, Carl." "Look, I'm not saying this is your fault, but... you are a horrible negotiator." "How's the patient?" "Oh, doesn't look good." "Aw, honey." "It never did." "Maybe 'cause I was six when I made it." "I never understood, why a cactus?" "No..." "It was supposed to be... me and Dad's stockings." "But we put them too close together in the oven, and hence, the Christmas cactus was born." "That man loved Christmas." "I know that's why you get so nuts this time of year." "That's also why we put up with it." "I guess I just think if we... keep doing things the way we always have, it's... kind of like he's still here." "He is." "You know, Vince thinks you hate him." "Yeah?" "Molly." "(sighs)" "Let me feel my feelings." "All right." "But when you're done doing that, you go apologize." "Okay, but... that's his present." "That's fine." "I don't think he got you anything either." "Hello?" "!" "Anybody!" "Chicago PD!" "Open up!" "Why do you keep telling people we're cops?" "I thought you wanted someone to come help us." "Agh..." "Here we go." "Maybe what we need is a little amplification." "(auto-tuned):" "♪ Hello ♪" "♪ Help, help ♪" "♪ Anybody out there?" "♪" "Oh, man!" "I always wanted one of these things." "If you haven't gotten my present yet... ♪ This is what I really want ♪" "Would you knock it off?" "!" "I should be home by now." "It wasn't enough we did our Santa-elf routine." "You had to sign us up for truck duty, too?" "I was just trying to help." "Help what, your ego?" "No, man." "It's Christmas." "I know, but why do you have to go overboard every year?" "Well, I'm just trying to do my part, just trying to give back." "Well, when is it enough?" "When every kid gets a toy." "Well, that's impossible." "Well, maybe it is, but I'm still gonna keep trying." "No, you got no idea how big this is for a kid who doesn't think he's gonna get anything for Christmas." "You?" "Yeah, the year before my mom left me with my grandma, we spent Christmas in a shelter." "The police toy drive, man, they put a GI Joe in my hand." "We've been doing this for eight years." "You never told me that?" "Well, it's not something I like to talk about." "But I'm not ashamed of it, either." "I just want those kids to know that there's somebody out here that cares." "Well, now I feel like an ass." "(laughing):" "It's okay." "♪ I'm used to you being one. ♪" "(banging on door)" "BOY:" "Is somebody in there?" "!" "Y-Yeah!" "Open the door!" "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!" "You kids saved our butts." "Santa...?" "!" "Ho, ho, ho, ho!" "Hello, children." "Do any of you have a cell phone?" "No." "That's what I asked you for." "Sorry, kids, we can't talk right now." "Santa's in a big rush to get home." "Jingles," "Santa always has time for the children." "And what's wrong with your voice?" "(high-pitched):" "Sorry, Santa, but, uh, thought you needed to get a move on." "(jolly chuckle) Don't be silly." "Now, I'll hand out these toys while you go find a phone and call in a 10-31." "I'm on it, Santa." "Uh, y-you know what?" "I-I might take those nunchucks." "This neighborhood looks a little sketchy." "Ho, ho, ho!" "Vince?" "Yes?" "I don't hate you." "All right, have a good Christmas." "I'm so sorry!" "I should've never touched your nice tree." "I'm such a clumsy lug." "I drop everything..." "plates, lightbulbs, my nephew on his baptism." "Seriously?" "Right into the holy water." "He was gonna go in, anyway, but still..." "Listen, I-I know I hold on to these traditions kind of tight." "Like an anaconda." "But..." "I get it... you do a beautiful Christmas every year." "Thank you." "I-It's just that, yeah, I've been around for three Christmases now." "I'm not trying to replace anybody." "I just..." "I don't want to feel like a visitor anymore." "Look, I-I'm sorry I haven't been the most welcoming." "You don't got to apologize." "Believe it or not, I've found it takes people a while to warm up to me." "No... no..." "I just want you to know I love your mom, and I think the world of you girls." "Well... you know, we're gonna have a lot of Christmases ahead of us, so... maybe it's time we officially make you part of the Flynn family tradition." "Really?" "On the tree?" "Yep." "Where you can see it?" "Okay, I'm not making any promises." "There's a, there's a flow to that tree." "You've made me a very happy man." "Oh, let's save it for next Christmas." "Damn it, I can't wait that long!" "Come here." "♪ Hark!" "The Herald Angels sing ♪" "♪ Glory to the newborn king... ♪" "Okay, the Christmas ham is finally served." "What took you guys so long?" "Well, there were a lot of kids this year." "A lot more than expected." "Mm-hmm, and this man wouldn't leave until every last one of them had a toy." "(chuckles)" "Did you see Vince's ornament?" "Front and center." "It's Santa on the dumper." "But don't press the button while Molly's in the room." "She doesn't think it's as funny as the rest of the world." "(laughter)" "I'm sorry, I just think that Santa deserves some privacy." "Hey, uh, does this mean that I can get an ornament?" "No, that tree is perfect now." "Why would you want to add anything?" "It's got a nice flow." "You know, while we're on the topic of changing stuff, haven't you people ever heard of Elf on the Shelf?" "No, the elfin folk are poorly represented in this house." "They creep me out." "Okay, don't want to ruffle any feathers, seeing how this is my first Christmas as a family member." "Hey, you been dating Victoria for four months." "It took me three years to get one lousy ornament." "Yeah, you got to do your time, like we did." "Besides, nobody's getting anything else until I get my Midnight Mass pancakes." "You don't go to Mass." "Which is why we can have the pancakes at 9:00." "See, you can't just come in here and start deciding." "We're a democratic household." "(conversation continues, indistinctly)"