" I said stop running in here." " Yes, ma'am." "I'm gonna smack one of you." "Them pants cost 3.98, baby." " Did you see that chocolate cake?" " The cake that was over there?" " Yeah." " Check Cecil's pockets." "He probably got it in there with the turkey leg and the potato pie." "(# "Ain't Too Proud To Beg", by The Temptations #)" "Little brother!" "Show me that little dance ya'll be doing." "Ooh-whee!" "Get out if you ain't on!" "You move like you're 21." "That dance ain't new!" "Ain't nothing but the old "Shufflebutt"." " Show me that move!" " Lester, sit your drunk ass down." "Can't you see the kids are trying to put a show on?" "Lester, she ain't your momma." "Vanessa." "Come on, baby." "Sing a song for Grandma." " That's my granddaughter." " That's my niece." "# Ooh wah, ooh wah, ooh wah, ooh wah" "# Why do fools fall in love" "# Why do birds sing so gay" "# And lovers await the break of day" "# Why do they fall in love" "# Why does the rain fall from up above" "# Why do fools fall in love" "# Why do they fall in love #" " Momma, I got a joke." " Ssh!" "Little Eddie has a joke to tell." "Go on, Eddie." "I got a joke to tell." "Once there was a lion and a monkey." "The monkey said, "I can make the weather change."" "The lion said, "No, you can't." So the monkey started climbing up the tree." "Then he started peeing on the lion's head." ""Now, it's raining!" Then he started farting." "(Imitates monkey farting)" ""Now, there's thunder!" Then he started doo-dooing." "(Pretends to strain)" ""Now, it's snowing!" So the lion said, "Oh, yeah?" ""Well, I can make the stars come out."" "Then he kicked him in the ding-ding." "Thank you." "I love that doo-doo line." "That boy's got talent." "(Growing thunder of applause)" " My favourite is "Trading Places"." " "48 Hours."" " "Trading Places." - "Beverly Hills Cop."" " "Delirious."" " All of them." " No, "48 Hours." - "Beverly Hills Cop."" " All of them." " "48 Hours."" "I even liked "Best Defence"." "(Fans screaming)" "I'm looking forward to seeing him in that leather suit." "Yeah, he's looking sexy." "Handsome." "(Audience applause and cheering)" "Thank you." "Sit down." "Everybody, sit." "Cool out." "Thank you, thank you, thank you." "Thank you!" "Hello, New York City!" "(Cheering and screaming)" "Thanks for coming." "Don't let the lights and cameras throw you." "We're filming a movie here tonight and ya'll gonna be in this shit." "Except only I'm getting paid for the motherfucker." "Sometimes I take a joke too far and get in trouble." "I haven't been on the road for years, cos..." "Did you see "Delirious"?" "Yeah!" "I made fun of a lot of entertainers." "I got scared, cos I did jokes about Mr T and Mr T was gonna fuck Ed up." "I was scared, cos you've seen Mr T. He doesn't look like he can't fight." "He looks like he can whip some ass, right?" "I was petrified." "I'd go to parties and people would say, "Yo, Mr T was here looking for you."" "He was saying, "I'm gonna whip Eddie Murphy's ass when I see him."" "I watched the show cos I didn't know him." "His character isn't too bright, so I figured I could use the Jedi mind trick on him." "Mr T would go, "I heard you did jokes about me."" ""No, you didn't." "Maybe, I didn't."" "(Laughter and cheering)" ""I'm gonna go beat up the fool that told me those lies."" "I was scared." "I'd leave parties, cos I don't want to fight Mr T." "Then I found out Michael Jackson was looking for me." "My manager said, "Michael Jackson is mad."" "I was like, "so?"" "You know, cos I'll fuck Mike up." "Mike don't weigh but a buck-o-five." "I bust that ass on Mike." "But my manager said, "We don't know everything about him." ""He might be this bad motherfucker."" ""He's a recluse." "Behind closed doors, he might be different."" "I'd be at a party and have Michael walk up to me one day and it'd be like this." "(High-pitched) "Can I talk to you for a minute?" ""What's your motherfucking problem?" "How come you keep fucking with me?" ""What's all the mother-fucking jokes?" "You don't like my clothes?"" ""I'm Michael motherfucking Jackson." "I will bust your ass." ""I will moonwalk up and down your ass, motherfucker." ""You mind your motherfucking business." ""I hear some more shit, I'm gonna put this glove up your ass." "I'll see you later."" "That's dumb." "I've been trying for five months to do the moonwalk." "I can't do the shit." "It's the dumbest dance ever." "I can't do it, that's why I say it's stupid." "How can you do the moonwalk and ask a woman to dance?" "Be at a party and say, "Hey, baby, let's dance." "See ya later."" "That's stupid shit." "Michael can do it, though." "He's so famous, he went on TV and everything he says the public believes." "He said, "I don't have sex because of my religious beliefs", and the public believed it." "Brothers are like, "Get the fuck outta here."" "And white people go, "That Michael's a special kinda guy."" ""He's special." "I mean, he's good, clean and wholesome."" "Ya'll didn't get mad when he took Brooke Shields to the Grammys." "Nobody white said shit." "And Brooke Shields is the whitest woman in America." "That's Miss America every year." "Fuck who see with the crown." "You find "white woman" in the dictionary, be a picture of Brooke." "She's white." "This nigger took her to the Grammys and nobody said shit." "If I took Brooke Shields to the Grammy's, ya'll would lose your minds." "Cos ya'll know Brooke would get fucked that night." "(Cheering)" "And Brooke knew, too." "That's why we're going this year." "I did jokes about homosexuals a couple of years ago and faggots were mad." "There's nothing like having a nation of fags looking for you." "There's always two or three homosexuals at a party." "They would be standing around looking at you." "(Effeminately) "He's an asshole."" "I can't travel the country freely no more." "I can't go to San Francisco." "They 24-hour homo-watch waiting for me in the airport." "Soon as I got off the plane, it'd be like, "He's here." "Yes, it's him, it's him."" "The cars would come rushing across town, it'd be... whoo, whoo!" "And it won't be no siren, it'll be a real fag on the roof going... (Imitates siren)" "Whoooo!" ""Pull over." "Pull over." "Pull over." ""I'm going to read him his rights." "You have the right remain silent." ""Now, turn around, I'm gonna frisk you." ""Are you carrying any concealed weapons?" "What is this?" ""Lay down on the floor and spread 'em." "Whoo!"" "(Applause)" " Do you watch "The Bill Cosby Show"?" " (Audience) Yeah!" "I do, too." "I love Bill Cosby's show." "I been a fan of Bill all my life." "Never met him, but he called me about a year ago and chastised me on the phone for being too dirty on stage." "It was weird, cos I had never met him and he just thought he should call me up, cos he was Bill, and tell me what comedy is all about." "This man chastised me, and when Bill chastises you, you forget you're grown." "You feel like one of the Cosby kids." "I was excited to talk to Bill." "I picked up the phone and Bill got raw on me." "I was like, "Hello, Mr Cosby?" And you hear," ""I would like to talk to you-oo," ""about some of the things that you-oo do in your show." ""Now, I'm going to tell you a story." He always tells you stories." ""I would like to tell you a story." "I have five children." ""One, two, three, four, five." "Five children." ""I live in Massachusetts with my wife, Camille and my five children." ""Now... of the five children that we have, there are four girls and a boy." ""The boy's name is Innis." "He loves everything you do." ""Comes home from school the other day, with a big smile on his face." ""And my son looks just like me." "He looks at me with this big smile" ""and I cannot resist, because it's such a beautiful smile." ""He walks up and I say, 'What are you smiling about?" "Aww.'" ""And the child says to me, 'I'm smiling because I need money" ""'to see the Eddie Murphy Show." "Please give me money for a ticket.'" ""Now... if the child is smiling this way" ""because he needs money for a ticket, I have to give him money for a ticket." ""I do not handle the money in the house." "My wife handles the ticket money." ""So I must go into the kitchen to where my wife is cooking dinner for the family." ""And she is inside the kitchen cooking."" ""She's got a bowl and she's cooking up the food, man." "She's cooking it up." ""The child walks in with the smile and says, 'Mother, please, money.'" ""She gives him the money, he runs off to see your show." ""Now!" "We sit in the living room" ""waiting for Innis to return." ""At about five o'clock in the morning, the child comes through the door." ""He has a different look on his face." ""It looked like he heard something at your show that he's never heard before." ""And I say to my child, I say, 'Child... '" ""I say,"What did the man say on the stage?" "'" ""He says, 'Pop, the man comes out and says these things.'" ""And I say, 'What did he say?" "' He says, 'Pop, he says some stuff.'" ""I said 'What did he do?" "' He says, 'Pop, he says hello, suck this and MF'" ""'and kiss my big black stuff and stick it down in your mouth and suck it, suck it.'" ""You-oo cannot say filth flarn" ""filth flarn filth in front of people."" "I said, "I never said 'filth flarn filth."' He says, "You know what I'm talking about." ""I can't use the type of language that you use, but you know what I mean" ""when I say, 'filth flarn filth."' And I say, "'I never said, 'filth flarn filth'." ""I don't know what you're talking about." "I'm offended that you called." "Fuck you."" "Bill got pissed and said, "That's what I'm talking about." ""You-oo cannot say... fuck..." ""in front of people."" "And I got mad." "Cos he thought that was my whole act." "Like I just walked out on stage and cursed and left." "I stick in some jokes between curses." "You couldn't give no curse show." "Walk out and say, "Hey, motherfucker." "Dick, pussy and shit." "Goodnight." ""Hey!" "Suck my dick." "Bye."" "I was pissed off." "I was so mad, I called Richard Pryor and said," ""Bill Cosby just called and said I was too dirty."" "Richard said, "Next time motherfucker calls, tell him I said suck my dick." ""I don't give a fuck." "Whatever the fuck make the people laugh, say that shit."" "He said, "Do people laugh at your jokes?" I said, "Yes."" "He said, "Do you get paid?" I said, "Yes."" "He said, "Tell Bill I said have a Coke and a smile and shut the fuck up."" "The Jell-O pudding-eating motherfucker." "Richard is the rawest motherfucker in show business." "When I was little, I wanted to be Richard Pryor so bad" "I used to sneak into the basement, put his albums and just listen." "I wanted to be Richard so bad, I used to go on stage when I was 15 and do everything like Richard Pryor." "My mother would watch her 15-year-old son saying some outlandish shit." "My act back then was about talking a shit, cos that's all I had done at 15." "But it sounded like Richard Pryor jokes." "I'd go, "You ever get on that toilet," ""and when you shit, that water splash up on your ass." ""Don't that make you mad?" "You know what makes me mad?" ""When shit comes halfway out your ass, then goes back up that motherfucker." ""Right?" "Why do shit be teasing your ass?" "Get the fuck out, right?" ""You know what really bothers me is when you strain for a long time" ""and one little pebble shit come out." "Right?" "Some shit this big, right?" ""Put your head up your ass and say, 'That's all the shit I'm gonna get?" "'" ""You know when your ass don't cooperate with ya," ""and clinches up and break the shit in half." ""You be mad, too cos you got to wipe your ass for five hours, right?" ""Use 12 rolls of toilet paper on that motherfucker." ""You know what really make me mad, though, is after you shit." ""You done all of the shitting you gonna do for the whole day." ""You finish shitting, flush the toilet, wait a second and one chunk come back." ""What does that chunk want?" That was my act." "My mother sit there shocked." "If you don't speak English, you can't hear that bit." "All you hear is "shit, ass"." "I got a lot of foreigners that have seen my films." "They come over to the United States, they get HBO and they catch "Delirious."" "They can't speak English, try to do my act and only know the curses." "I got foreigners walking up going, "Eddie Murphy!" ""Fuck you!" ""Fuck you, Eddie." ""I know you." "I see you on television." "You're the 'fuck you' man, right?" ""I love it." "Suck my dick, ah?" ""Suck it, you black motherfucker!" "I love it!" ""You best, motherfucker." "The 'fuck you' man." Made me stay in the house, man." " I almost got married last year." " (Audience) Ooh!" "Got to get married in the '80s." "I read the papers." "I said, "Fuck this, I'm getting out." Hey, read!" "You can catch some shit." "You can't keep messing around like you used to." "Eventually, your dick will fall off." "Remember VD in the '60s?" "That shit don't just sting no more." "Every time they cure something, it gets stronger." "VD is new and improved now." "They got dudes in the doctor's office with symptoms like," ""Doc, er... what does it mean when you go to the bathroom" ""and fire shoot out your dick?"" ""You're getting a burning sensation when you urinate?"" ""No, fire shoot out my dick." "Flame fly out my dick when I pee." ""I can't pee in my house, I'll burn my house down." "I gotta pee outside." ""I was outside peeing, a dude tried to mug me, I burned him up on the street." ""My dick is a blow torch."" "Got to be careful." "Having casual sex now is like playing Russian roulette." "And I know I've thrown my dick on the crap table many a night." "Looking for Miss Right." "You're gambling with your dick, saying," ""Come on, I need a woman with a mind, somebody perfect." ""Give it to me." "Shit." "Fat buck-toothed bitch." "No, give me my dick back." "No." ""No, Give me my dick back, I'm gonna keep rolling." "I got one more roll in me." ""I want somebody with a mind, a nice ass and a body." "Give it to me!" ""Oh, skinny cockeyed bitch." "No, give me my dick back." ""I'm gonna keep rolling." "This is my last roll." "This is the one for me." ""Come on, now, Miss Right." "Hey, blow on this for luck." "Here we go." ""Give it to me now!" "Oh, shit!" "Herpes." "I crapped out." "My dick is ruined."" "So be careful." "Get married." "I found the perfect woman." "19-years-old." "Beautiful face." "A virgin." "Nobody ever fucked her." "Had an ass like this... pow!" "And legs like... bam!" "And titties like... pow!" "She was one of the people that's so fine when you see them they make you ugly." "You be like, "Goddamn, who is that mother..." I cut all my girls off." "I said, "That's it, I'm getting married." "This is it." I was so happy." "Then I went out and went shopping and I was waiting in line and I saw the "Enquirer Magazine."" "I saw Johnny Carson on the front page." "There was a picture of him like this." "I said, "What's up with Johnny?" And I looked inside and his wife was on the other page and she was like this." "And overhead it said, "Johnny's Wife Wants Half Johnny's Money."" "I turned that shit back to Johnny." "Then I started thinking about it." "Half." "If you have five dollars and have to give somebody $2.50, you'd be upset." "Johnny had at least $300 million." "And have to give up $150 million?" "And they weren't even married but ten years." "And 150 million dollars?" "Give me a fucking break!" "What?" "Ladies..." "Here's a woman saying, "Right on!" Now, baby, that's not fair." "Not $150 million." "I see a lot of you ladies going," ""Get all the money you can." "Shit, I'm glad she did get all that money." ""She earned it." "She was married to him, she deserved that money."" "Get the fuck outta my face with that bullshit." "No." "Stop it." "(Cheering and whistling)" "No, don't get me wrong." "If you marry and neither one of you have anything and you build $300 million together, you deserve half, but Johnny was $300 million in when they met and I'm quite sure she knew." "He says "Hey, I'm Johnny." She was like, "I know who you are, motherfucker."" "They got married, broke up and he had to give her $150 million of his money." "I know a lot of housewives going, "You can't put a price on what I do!"" "But if you marry a man with $300 million, you ain't no regular housewife." "You ain't cleaning the house no more." "You get a maid, you ain't cleaning shit!" "If your man has $300 million you ain't cooking no more, you're eating out." "A lot of housewives get jobs on the side to make ends meet." "He got $300 million, the ends are meeting like a motherfucker." "Watchya you gonna do, get a job at a boutique on the weekends?" ""Here, Johnny." "I made 70 dollars, put that with the rest." ""Now we have $300 million..." "and 70 dollars!" ""Because I want to do my share." No." "All you have to do, if you marry a man with $300 million, is fuck your husband." "That's it!" "That's your job." "Fuck your husband." "Just fuck your husband." "You fill out a "W2", they say, "What do you do?" You say, "I fuck my husband."" "(Applause)" "I've had my share of pussy." "Even if the pussy was great and sparks shot out the woman's ass and cannons blared and the mountains crumbled and the seas roared, no pussy is worth $150 million." "No pussy." "I'd like to meet some pussy like that." "Put the shit on lay-a-way." "That scared the shit out of me." "Half!" "I was petrified, man." "American women in the '80s have become very business conscious." "Ya'll the most resourceful and the most business smart women on the planet." "And it would be an asset to American men, if you weren't so vindictive." "What's really fucked up is that y'all the most loving people." "American women are into romance." "They genuinely fall in love with you." "Now, love and money do not mix." "The shit don't mix." "You go up to a woman and say, "I never met anybody like you before in my life."" "She says, "Me neither." (Man) "Will you marry me?" (Woman) "Yes."" "(Man) "Before we get married, sign this prenuptial agreement."" ""What do you mean?" "It says if we ever broke up," ""you take what you had when you came to the relationship and I take what I had."" ""I don't give a fuck who you are and what you have." ""You gotta lotta nerve by asking me to sign a contract that shows I love you!" ""I've gotta job and I don't need shit from you!" "I love you." ""Do you expect me to sign a contract to show that I love you?"" "And men hear all that shit and we be like, "OK." "We don't need no contract."" "You don't get a contract, you get married without one and break up a year later." "She's in the kitchen, by herself, mad." "Trying to figure out a way to get even with your ass." ""I can't believe that motherfucker did this to me!" ""After all the things I did for that motherfucker." ""Him and his fat bitch can kiss my ass." "I don't give a shit about either of 'em." ""I don't want shit from him, or her." "You know what, I..." ""Half!" "I'll take half his shit!" And they'll get it." "They'll get half your money, your house, your car, alimony and your children." "You will be on the cover of the "Enquirer" like this." "So be careful." "I had nightmares." "I was waking up in the middle of the night like this... half!" "Cos I like American women." "I gotta a friend, got a Japanese girlfriend." "Japanese women are the most docile women on the planet." "They're real timid, timid women." "I walked in the house and this friend's Japanese girl bowed to me." "I said, "What's wrong with your wife's back?"He says,"It's a Japanese thing." ""They always bow." I said, "Miss, did you decorate the house?"" "She looked at her husband and he said, "You may speak" and she spoke." "I was like, "Now that's pussy control for you, there."" "You know, I'm used to American women say, "You don't own me!"" ""Hey, baby, where you going?"" "(Woman) "Excuse me?"" ""I said, where you going?" "You don't own me."" ""I don't see no rings on these fingers." "Will you gonna put a ring on this finger?"" ""Well, I, er..." "I, er..." (Woman) "Then you don't own me." ""You got a lotta nerve to ask me where I'm going." "I come and go as I please." ""Ain't no man gonna tell me where I can go." "You got a whole lotta nerve." ""You come and ask me where I'm going." "Nobody owns me." "I'm my own person."" "And we hear all that shit." "It'll be, "OK"." "(Man) "Where you gonna be?" "I'm gonna be where I'm at." ""You don't own me!" You don't." "You don't own your woman." "When they say, "You gonna put a ring on my finger?" You say, "OK."" "But you don't." "You spend a lot of money on your woman." "You go to the movies and you get the ice cream and the candy and the flowers and the anklets and the bracelets and help her get some clothes." "You spend your money on shit you had never spent it on." "But you don't own her, cos theoretically that pussy's on lease." "Leasing the pussy, with a option to buy." "(Whistling)" "But be careful, cos you lose half on the trade-in." "You've got to be careful." "You've got to have a J-O-B in the '80s." "You've got have money." "You can't get no pussy." "Listen to Madonna, "I'm a material girl, in a material world." ""You ain't got no money, you can't have no pussy."" "There's a song out called, "You've to have a J-O-B if you want to be with me."" "And the lyrics go, "Ain't nothing going on but the rent."" "(Man) "Hey baby, what's going on?" "The rent, motherfucker." ""Do you work?" (Man) "Er... er..."" ""Then get the fuck outta my face."" "Got to have money." "No romance without finance and women love them songs." "# You got to have a J-O-B, if you wanna be with me #" "Janet Jackson got a hit record, "What Have You Done For Me Lately."" "Women think, "What have you done for me lately?" The record starts like that " ""I know he used to do shit for you, but what has he done for you lately?"" ""Baby, I love you."" ""What have you done for me lately?"" ""You the only thing on my mind."" ""What have you done for me lately?"" ""We make good love."" ""What have you done for me lately?"" "Got to have money to get some pussy in the '80s." "It's fucked up." "Hey, I'm a target." "If I ever get married, I have to go off to the woods of Africa and find me some crazy, naked zebra bitch that knows nothing about money." "She got to be butt-naked on a zebra, with a big bone in her nose and a big plate lip and a big fucked up afro." "Her afro..." "like Angela Davis see it and go, "Goddamn, that's fucked up."" "Afro gotta be fucked up and one of them picks with the fists in the back and she gotta be naked, cos if she got clothes, she'll have pockets she gonna have to put something in the pockets." "I'm gonna walk up to her and say, "How you doing?" "Money?"" "She'll go, "Awela-wela-wela." I'll say, "Miss Murphy" and I'll bring her home." "Ya'll go past a newsstand one day and see me on the cover of "JET"" "with some woman with a big bone and the big fucked-up afro, butt-naked and it'll say, "Murphy Marries Bush Bitch." I'm gonna be like..." "What?" "What?" "Cos I ain't getting caught." "I refuse to get caught out there." "Fuck that." "I'll bring her home and lock her up in the house." "You get you a bush woman, you can't let her mingle with American women cos they'll change her shit up." "American women stick together." "The last thing they want to see is some trained bush bitch in your house." "They will catch her by herself and ruin your whole program." "Soon as they get her alone they'll be," ""I can't stand the way you be doing everything he tell you to do." ""This house is too big for one person to clean up." "Why don't you leave?" ""Oh, you know something, girl?" "Do you know you could take half his money?" ""He didn't tell you that?" "Oh, he only told you half the story then, girl." ""You can take half the money." "All the money he got." ""You can buy all the zebras and bones you want." "Go back home in style." ""And get your hair done right." "Cut that afro off and go home to Africa in style." ""Let me tell you something else about Eddie Murphy..." ""Oh, hi, Eddie." "How you doing?" ""Oh, I didn't know you was here, you scared me." ""No, I can't stay." "I was just talking to Uhm-fufu about a couple of things." ""No, no, I've got to go." "Ya'll two love birds talk." "Eddie, talk to Uhm-fufu." ""Ya'll got a lot to talk about." "Eddie, please talk to her." "Uhm-fufu..."" "And leave me in the kitchen, with some bush bitch, with an attitude." "(Uhm-fufu) "Eddie." "Eddie." ""I want to talk to you!"" ""What's your problem, baby?"" ""I don't like the way you treat me." "You treat me like animal!"" ""You was butt-naked on a zebra last month."" ""I don't care, I am American woman now." ""I want what's coming to me." "Eddie..." "what have you done for me lately?"" ""I want you to be happy." "What you want?"" ""Half!" "Give me half, Eddie." "Give me half, Mr "Fuck You" man." ""Suck my dick, Eddie." "You motherfucker."" "Then I be on the front page of the "African Enquirer" like this..." "So be careful." "Don't get caught in a trap!" "Any woman can get any man she wants, if she puts her mind and pussy to it." "They can have you, cos they have figured us out." "We're easy to figure out." "Women know all they have to do is cater to our egos and they can have you." "Guys, how many times have you fucked some ugly bitch that kept hanging around and you had to fuck her, then afterwards you say, "I can't believe I fucked her."" "They cater to your ego." "You'll see a real ugly bitch with a handsome dude." "You think "How'd that happen?" The dude's going, "How'd that happen?"" "Cos she catered to his ego." "They can figure us out." "Guys, let's call them pussy traps." "It's a trap." "They trap you with the pussy." "They catch you with the pussy." "It's a trap." "The most common trap is to not give you any, though." "The most common is when you ain't getting any at all, that's the trap." "When you meet a woman and it's perfect and she won't do anything, it's a trap." "Sometimes it backfires, cos a lot of women play these game with sex and ladies like sex just as much as we do, guys, but they act like they don't." "There's not a woman in this room now that wouldn't rather be somewhere else with a nice stiff one in 'em." "Don't you let them fool you." "They like it just as much as us." "A lady is sitting there going, "That's true." ""He's funny, but he's not that funny." "I take a dick over a smile any day."" "They like it just as much as us, but they play these games." "You know when it backfires on you ladies?" "When you meet a guy and you like each other, but you won't do anything." "He say, "Baby, let's go." You say, "No." And after that, he don't like you no more." "But he still wants to fuck you." "So he waits." "He's like, "OK, I'll wait." "Goodnight."" "And you wait." "You wait three months." "You finally get her and she's like this," ""I'm yours." And you go, "Fuck you, bitch!" ""Fuck you and your pussy." "Get the fuck out of my face!"" "So be careful." "I told you the most common trap is to not give you any." "Let me hear the men clap that are with women that you've never slept with." "No." "Ladies are going, "Stop clapping!"" "Clap louder." "Shame on you." "Ya'll should've fucked 'em." "These men like you and you won't do it cos you try to trap..." "Guys, don't be hurt." "She likes you." "This is what is going on inside your house every night." ""Baby, come on, please." (Woman) "Oh stop it, stop it." ""We gonna go too far." "I want to go too far."" "(Woman) "I just don't think the time is right."" ""Well, my dick don't get much harder than this." ""I've waited for three months." "What's wrong?"" ""I don't wanna fuck, I wanna make love." ""You're very special to me and I know all the girls you ever dated were..."" "And men see those tears and we be, "OK." ""We don't have do nothing."" "And you go out and your friends go, "You fuck her yet?"" ""No." "Why not?"" ""She's special." "She don't wanna fuck, she wanna make love."" "Which is bullshit." "I mean, fucking and making love, the physical act..." "I like to fuck somebody I'm in love with, but I ain't making love to nobody." "I get into bed..." "I get into bed..." "When you go to bed, would you rather have somebody say, "Make love to me", or grab the back of your head and say, "Fuck the shit out of me." ""You motherfucker." "Just fuck me, goddammit."" "Or do you want somebody in bed, "Darling, I want to make love to you."" ""Ah."" ""You're a motherfucker." I'm a realist." "But they'll tell you," ""I don't wanna fuck, I wanna make love" and they make you wait and you wait." "And you just keep on waiting and wait and finally she gives you some." "And it's the best you ever had in your life." "You come harder than you've ever came." "This was it!" "This was the feeling I've been searching for." "I finally made love." "You didn't make love, it just felt good." "You know why?" "Cos you waited five months for it." "If you starving and somebody throw you a cracker, you gonna be like this," ""Goddamn, that's the best cracker I ever ate in my life." ""That ain't no regular cracker, was it?" Was that a saltine?" "That was delicious." ""No, that was no saltine, that was a Ritz." ""God, that was the best cracker I ever ate in my life." "Can I have another one?"" "You get married because you think you've found "the bomb"." "Had the same crackers every day for a year." "And you roll over one day and say, "Hey, I just got regular old crackers."" "Try to leave, half!" "So be careful." "Marry someone who's not going to fool around on you, which is hard to do in the '80s, cos everybody's fucking each other now." "It's like Fuck Fest, '87." "Everybody's fucking and it's getting really bad." "Let me hear the women clap that are loyal to the men." "Truthfully." "OK." "Now, let me hear the women clap that have men they are loyal to them." "Ya'll some disillusioned ladies clapping right now." "Let me hear the men clap that are loyal to their women." "Stop." "You lying motherfuckers, stop." "Stop, stop, stop." "Kiss my ass." "There ain't no such thing as a loyal man, you lying motherfuckers." "Stop it." "The only reason you're clapping is cos your woman is sitting next to you." "And when I asked the question, she looked at you like this." ""You gonna put your hands together?" ""You better stomp your feet and light a match for this pussy, goddammit." ""Stand up and clap." "Stand your ass up and clap."" "(Man) "She's number one!" Get the fuck outta here." "No such thing as a loyal man." "Ladies, some men will have you believing it." "All men fuck other women." "We are low by nature and have to do it." "We are men." "All men do it." "We have to do it." "We are men." "It is a man thing." "Men must find and conquer as much pussy as they can get." "Do not think for two seconds that you are the only one your man if fucking." "He is a man and has to conquer women." "I see a lot of women out there going," ""Not my man." Yes, your man too." "Your man too." "If he's not here with you tonight, he's fucking somebody." "It has nothing to do with you." "You can have the best pussy in the world." "Could be a cape hanging out your pussy, with a big "s" on it." "Your man still gonna go fuck somebody else, cos he's a man." "It is a dick thing." "Do not try to understand it." "You have to have a dick to understand this." "I know a lot of guys are sitting out there like this, "Yo, Ed." "Shut the fuck up, man!" ""I ain't spent all my money for this motherfucker!"" "Cos you'll drive home tonight with your wife like this," ""You don't fool around like Eddie Murphy said, do you?"" ""No, baby." "That's just jokes." ""That Ed sure is funny, ain't he?" ""Why don't we change the subject?" "I don't want to talk about fooling around."" ""I do want to talk about fooling around." "Why should he lie?" ""If you fooled around I would be so hurt, you know what I would do?" ""I would wait until you went to sleep, come inside the room and kill you."" ""Yeah, that Ed sure is funny." ""Well, I wouldn't fool around." "Why don't we change the subject?"" ""I want to talk about this fooling' around shit" ""cos if you fooled around, you know what I would to?"" ""What would you do baby, take half?"" ""No, I would wait until you went to sleep and I'd cut your dick off."" ""Don't be talking about cutting off my dick."" ""Well, don't put your dick in nobody else, then."" ""I don't play that shit." "You cut off my dick you better run." ""Stop making those dick threats."" "That's the woman's favourite threat is, "I'll do something to your dick." ""You put your hands on me, I'm gonna kick you where it hurts."" "Ya'll don't realise how sensitive nuts are you, do you?" "Men don't even like to hear a threat like that." "You hear somebody, "I'll kick you in the nuts", it'll make you wince." "You don't have to kick no nuts to hurt nobody." "You can just graze nuts... and the man will be fucked up." "And that pain is worse because it don't set in for like ten seconds." "You wonder if it's gonna hurt." "It's like, whoosh!" "You say, "I wonder, did that hit my nuts?"" "(Groans)" "There's just no getting around it - "I'll kick you in your nuts."" "Do you ever have a woman play fight with you and your man gets serious when they threaten their dick?" "You be, "Hey, baby, come on." She'll go "Ha, ha!" You say, "Hey, hey, hey." ""I think playtime is over." "You getting a little crazy."" "That's why men don't like to handle little babies." "Babies with them high-top white shoes on with the hard bottom." "When they about one-year-old you pick 'em up and their leg muscles be strong." "They stomp you in the nuts with both feet and both of ya'll be dribbling." "(Mumbling indistinctly)" "The mother think you talking baby talk, "Oh, that's so cute!"" ""Go to your mother, please." "Does he stink?"" ""No, I'll throw this motherfucker someplace." ""When you get a little older, I'm gonna kick you in your baby nuts."" ""I'll kick him in his nuts!" Always talking about kicking the nuts." "You know ladies, the other day a woman asked me," ""I wanna know why all men fool around?" "Why?" ""I do everything my man wants and he still fools around." "I cook, I clean." ""I fuck him when he wants to get fucked." "I come and go as he says." "Why?"" "You call your girlfriends and go, "Why?" "I don't know why my man ain't home."" "You call your mama and say, "Why?" "I don't know, your father ain't home."" "I'll tell you why all men fool around." "(Audience) Why?" "Hear the ladies, "Why?" Men fool around because of this." "Look at all the women in the audience right now looking up here like this." "We fool around because we figured women out." "We did." "A lot of you ladies going, "What does he mean, he figured us out?"" "And dumb niggers going, "Yeah, what does he mean we figured 'em out?"" "We figured you out in this sense and this is true." "Anybody that's ever done this will agree with what I'm gonna say." "Any woman that's had this done to her will agree, and those who have never done this will disagree." "But once you make a woman come real hard." "Once you make a woman say," ""Ooohhh!" No matter how bad you fuck up, no matter what you do wrong, no matter what you say, no matter what you do, as long as you say, "I'm sorry"," "she will listen to your story." "And that's the truth." "That's the God's honest truth." "It is the truth." "Stop it." "It's the truth." "Ladies, when you make that noise, your relationship will change with your man, cos we know, we wait on that noise." "We know we can act different as soon as you go, "Ooohhh!"" "We know we can act the fool then." "Remember when your man couldn't make it he would call?" "No more of that shit." "Remember he once spent all his free time with you?" "No more of that." "Your man can act crazy." "We know as soon as you go, "Ooohhh", our face is in the pillow like this, "I've got this motherfucker now."" "Then you start talking to her, "Whose pussy is this?"" ""Oh, it's your pussy." "It's your pussy!" "Ooohhh!"" "Your relationship changes after that." "The woman sits on the bed, her legs shaking, going, "I can't believe it." "I never came like this before." "Oh, my God."" "And your man gets real cold and says, "Why don't you shake your ass home?"" ""Why are you treating me like this?" "We have a relationship."" "(Man) "You don't own me."" ""What do you mean?" "We have a relationship."" ""I don't see no rings on your fingers."" "(Woman) "But I love you!"" ""What have you done for me lately?"" "And ya'll put up with it, and with all kinds of crazy shit." "I guess it's hard to find somebody that knows how to do it to you right cos when ya'll find one, you stick to that man through all kinds of bullshit." "I know a man got busted coming out of another woman's house." "His woman saw him come out the house, knew that the woman lived there waited till he got home and said, "Why were you in that bitch's house?"" "Know what the man said, "Wasn't me."" ""I looked right in your face!" "Wasn't me."" ""I'm a fool, right?" "Hey... it wasn't me."" "You know what the woman said?" ""Maybe it wasn't you." ""Ooohhh!"" "I got a friend got busted in his house." "In bed where him and his wife sleep." "With another woman, fucking!" "His wife walked in, saw her man in her bed with another woman, fucking." "She walks in, "Aaaahhh!"" "The man saw his woman standing there." "She ran down the hallway." "He chased his woman down the hallway, butt-naked, talking about, "I'm sorry."" "This sounds like a tragedy, right?" "No!" "It was like this." ""Baby, look." "Wait." "We got to talk." "Baby, I am sorry."" ""You're not sorry." "You have no respect for me or our house." ""Get the fuck out!" (Man) "Baby, I'm sorry."" ""If you're sorry, you wouldn't have fucked her."" "And then you change the shit around, right guys." "You say, "OK, wait a minute!" "Wait one second, goddammit!" "Yes, I fucked her." "Yes." ""Is that what you want me to say?" "All right." "I fucked her." ""You happy now?" "We fucked!" "Let's talk about the word 'fuck' for a minute." ""Cos that's a very important word here." "Fuck." "Yes, we did." "Fuck, yes, we did." ""I fucked her." ""I make love to you." "(Audience screams with laughter)" ""And if you gonna let a fuck come between our love" ""there's something really wrong happening here, baby."" "Bullshit. "Ooohhh" - that's the only reason why it works." "I see a lot of guys out there feeling real macho, cos some of you may have heard your woman make that noise before, and you think you're in control." "But I told you, women are vindictive and don't you think for two seconds if you keep breaking this woman's heart, your sweet, innocent, loving, darling woman, she eventually will go out and fuck someone else." "Don't think she won't." "Look, all the men's faces, they're like this now..." "Men don't like to picture their woman fucking nobody." "That's taboo." "Watch the guy's faces." "Ladies, look at 'em." "Guys, picture your woman fucking your best friend." "Look at the them." "And your woman is like this, "Hmm."" "I tell you, be careful." "Women ain't like us." "It's not their nature to fool around." "We'll sneak out to the hotel and have to wash your dick in the sink and all that." "Women do it classy." "They don't fuck around like us." "It's like," "I don't do this often, I'll do it right." "You know when your woman will fool around?" "When you keep messing her over, she says," ""You know, I think I'm going to go to the Bahamas myself for the weekend."" "And you say, "You want to me go with you?"" "She goes, "No, just me and my girlfriends are going." ""Just me and my friends."" "And we're so stupid." "We think about the pussy we can get while she's gone." "(Man) "You going alone?" "Yes."" ""OK."" "And send your woman off to the romantic Bahamas by herself?" "She's walking on the beach." "She's laid out all day and got a tan." "Your woman is fine and got her body looking right." "She's walking on the beach crying." "Lovers are on the beach making love." "She's all by herself, walking along, feeling sad, thinking about you." "Everybody's real romantic." "The moon is shimmying off the ocean" "Your woman is looking at it and crying and all of a sudden a dude named Dexter walks up." "Dexter Saint Jock." "He walks up swinging his dick." "Then he do that smooth Bahamas shit on your woman." ""What's a beautiful girl like you doing alone on the island of love?" ""This is the island for lovers." "You should be being held now." "Why are you crying?"" ""I'm having problems with my boyfriend." "I came here to think."" ""Me tell him that you treat a woman like you, like a princess." ""If you were my woman, I'd me love to you constantly." ""What hotel is he staying in?" "He's back in New York."" ""Is that right?"" ""Listen, girl." "Won't you come back to my place." "We sit down and talk it over."" ""All we gonna do is talk?"" "Take your woman to his house and roll one of them big-ass Bahama joints." "Shit this big." "Put some of that Bob Marley music on." "You know Bob be preaching this shit." "# Don't him fool ya, oh, no" "# Na, na, na, na, da, da, da, da." "Or even try to screw ya, yeah" "# Could this be love, then be love #" "Dick swinging." "Next thing you know, Dexter is fucking your woman... well!" "Send your woman home floating on air." "She's walking through the door like," "# I shot the sheriff #" "And we so stupid, we think it was the weather." "We go, "Hey, baby, you need to get away more often."" "And she be like this, "Uh-huh."" "They never tell you." "It's her little secret." "All women have a skeleton in the closet." "They have done something that only them and another person knows about." "Even little sweet, innocent ones have something that only them and another person knows about." "All women." "Look at the guys, looking at their women again like this." ""You got skeletons in your closet?" ""I thought I seen a bone in your shoe." "Whose skeleton was that?"" "Don't be fooled." "They all have a skeleton in their closet." "Some of them got..." "cemeteries in their closet." "You open the door and ravens and shit fly out of the closet." "So be careful." "Get the perfect person for you." "You don't have to worry about breaking up." "I'm not saying we're perfect." "You gotta find somebody like you, and settle down." "If I ever get married, I got to marry somebody with personality first." "I hate those quiet, salad-eating bitches." "The real quiet ones." "You know the kind." "You take them out to dinner." "You say, "Hey, what you want to eat?" They go, "I'll just have a salad."" "And you hear their going... (Makes low growling sound)" ""I don't know why my stomach is making that noise."" ""Cos you're hungry, bitch." "Why don't you have something to eat?"" ""No, no." "I'm fine." "I'll just have a salad."" ""What you want to drink?" "Water."" ""What movie you wanna see after dinner?"" ""Whatever you want to see is OK with me." ""As long as it's a PG." "I hate scary movies."" ""These are my friends."" ""What's your problem?" "I'm a little shy."" ""Get your shy ass away from me."" "I hate those shy bitches." "They make me sick to my mother..." "I hate shy." "You know, those shy women." "Those are usually the ones that have the most skeletons in their closet." "That's why they're shy now." "Cos they been raising hell all their life, now they shy." "Think about it." "All them shy women that you meet, they never from the town you meet 'em in." "They always from somewhere else then they come to your town and get shy." "Get the fuck outta here." "They afraid to talk cos they think a bone is gonna fly out their mouth or some shit." ""Hi!"...thump!" ""So many skeletons."" "I hate shy women." "I like extroverts." "I like women with a sense of humour." "I like funny women." "(Women in audience shout)" "Wait, you gotta be good looking, too." "I don't want to fuck no funny, ugly bitch." "I'd be in bed going "Hey, baby." "Can you tell me some more jokes, please?"" "Gotta be a good cook." "I didn't realise my mother was a good cook till I left home." "As a child, if your mother take you to McDonald's, you think she can't cook." "Whatever you want, my mother has the ingredients at home." "You say, "Ma, I wanna get some McDonald's."" "And she go, "I got hamburger meat at home."" ""But I want McDonald's hamburgers."" ""I'll make you hamburger better than McDonalds."" ""Better than McDonald's?"" ""That's right." "You can help momma make it."" "You say, "Shit." "Better than McDonald's."" "Your mother says, "Get me the frying pan." So, you get it and she says," ""Go to the refrigerator and get the meat, a green pepper and a onion."" "And you say, "Ain't no green peppers at McDonald's."" ""I'm not making McDonald's, I'm making Momma's burger." ""While you're in there, get me an egg out, too."" ""What you need eggs for?" ""I want hamburgers." "You making Egg McMuffins."" ""I'm not making Egg McMuffin." "Just give me the egg."" "And she take the egg and the peppers, and chop the peppers up in big chunks." "Don't even dice it." "Big chunks of peppers and onions." "Mix the egg in and put paprika and all this shit in it." "And make a big meatball and put it in the middle of this frying pan." "At McDonald's the meat is this thin." "Your mother's shit is like or fatter." "Peppers hanging out of it, a big split in the middle and grease is popping out." "And you're looking at it while it's popping and you're thinking to yourself," ""That don't look like no McDonald's."" "Then your mother say, "Go get me the bread outta the bread box"" "And you look in the bread box and say, "Ma..." ""We don't have hamburger buns." "All we have is Wonder Bread."" ""That's what I said." "Get the bread out the bread box."" ""You gonna put it on square Wonder Bread?"" ""Goddammitt, bread is bread." "Bring it to me before I slap you." ""Don't tell me some shit about Wonder Bread." "A hamburger is a hamburger."" "And you make it and put it in the middle of square Wonder bread." "At McDonald's they use buns." "The meat cover's the whole bread." "At your mother's, the meat is right in he middle of the bread with grease running through the middle, making the bread stick to the plate." "The peppers hanging out the top of this meatball on the bread." "You put ketchup on it and it mixes with the grease turn the bread into pink dough." "Then you grab it, get finger-printed and you got pink fingerprints in the dough." "You look at it and you try to make it look like McDonald's." "And you rip the edges off to make it round." "You got peppers and grease on your hands." "And your mother say, "Now go on outside and play."" "And the other kids got McDonald's." "They outside going," ""We got McDonald's hamburgers!" "McDonald's." ""McDonalds!" "I got McDonald's!"" "And you standing there with this big house burger." "And kids are honest." "They say," ""Where you get that big welfare green pepper burger?" "And you cry, "Aaaahhh!" ""My mother made it."" "And when little kids cry, some long slobber come out their mouth." "And it hangs this far to the ground and it won't break." "Adults go, "Is that slobber gonna break?" And it won't." "The wind can blow that slobber." "You know where you see kids crying?" "I do it all the time, I'm sadistic." "I like to go to supermarket and watch mothers lose it and beat the shit out of their kids." "(Audience member shouts)" "You know why I ain't dancing a lot?" "I had just got over some shit." "I went to a white disco recently and I watched the white people dance." "Ya'll can't dance." "No, I'm not being racist." "I mean, it's just like saying black people have thick lips." "It's true." "We have thick lips and white people can't dance." "Ya'll be trying." "Do ya'll listen to the words or the beat?" "When you ever go to a white club, you see five or six brothers, you hear," ""Why are those niggers here?" They watching you dance." ""Look at these crazy motherfuckers."" "You all got one dance you all can do." "You all can do this shit like this." "But you all do no moves, it's just this." "Ya'll do some shit like this..." "you be fucked up." "You go," ""Oh, shit..." White people, y'all step on each other's feet." "Brothers, we go to the disco, get all fucked up, ya stepping and hitting and..." "Brothers got some dance." "They be doing shit like this with their heads." "If white people do that, they'll kill each other." "They be like... thump!" ""Sorry!" "Let's stick with this."" "I was in a club, man." "I had a fight recently and I said, I ain't dancing." "I went to clubs." "People get drunk and go to clubs and start to fight." "I had a fight with an Italian dude around the time "Rocky" came out." "Italians... white people period, ya'll go crazy after seeing "Rocky"" "cos you believe that shit." "The movie is so emotional and so real." "You sit there and go, "This is real!"" "And Stallone has ya'll white people pumped, especially Italians." "After Italians see "Rocky", they leave the movie theatre..." "Italians are funny, cos they act like niggers." "They do." "They hold their dick more than us." "They stand around," ""Get the fuck outta here." ""It's right here, all right?" "What?" "Hey, fuck you, all right?"" "Everything is a question, too." ""Hey, what am I, an asshole?" ""What am I, a fucking jerk?" "Get the fuck outta here." "It's right here, all right?"" "After they seen "Rocky", they come out of the theatre charged." "They be like," ""All right Rock-O!" "All right, Sly!" ""All right, Rock-O!" "Rock-O!" Go up to people standing in line and shit." ""Hey, Paisan, you going to see Rocky?"" ""Yeah." "Great fucking movie." ""It's great." ""You'll like it." "Sly comes out, he breaks this big fucking nigger's face." ""He bust it fucking wide open." "Mollie laying out on the floor." "Fucked up." ""It's fucking great." "I fucking love it, man." "All right, Rock-O!" ""You know at the end, just between us, I don't want to ruin the surprise." ""But Sly wins this one again." ""You know what I like about Stallone's movies?" "The realism." ""That's the way you gotta treat those fucking mollies." ""They think they can push you around, cos you're a big hot shot." ""Get the fuck outta here!" "Get the fuck outta my face with that shit." ""That's what I like about Sly." "He goes in, the mollies are beating him" ""and he cracks the fucking mollies hole like this, he falls on the ground." ""You know something, you can really do that." ""You see that fucking big Mollie now standing over there?" ""That black guy over there at the line getting some candy?" ""Now he's about 6'5"." "I'm 5'2"" ""I ain't no big guy, right?" "But I'm Italian." "Watch this." "You watch this, all right?" ""Hey, excuse me, brother." ""Let me have, er, a box of Juji fruits and er, I'll have some bon-bons there." ""Let me have some, er, junior mints and, er, gimme another box of Juji fruits." ""And, er, the nigger is gonna pay for it."" ""Excuse me?"" ""You heard what I said, Mollie." "Pay for my fucking candy." ""Or I'll kick your ass."" ""Oh, you just saw Rocky." ""Look, little Italian white man." "I enjoy Sylvester Stallone's movies, too." ""But, I'm getting some candy and I'm going to see a movie." ""So why don't you just hop in your "Iroc Z-28" and take your ass home?"" ""I'll kick your fucking ass." Then they hear that Rocky music." "Hour later... whoo, whoo, whoo!" "(Medic) "He's not gonna make it." ""A big nigger named Abdullah's hand wrapped around his throat." ""And a box of Juji fruits rammed up his ass." "He's not gonna make it." ""He's fucked up."" "That's why I had a fight." "I had a fight with an Italian." "Those are the worst white people to fight, especially around Rocky time." "I was in a disco talking to Denny Terrio from "Dance Fever"." "Don't ask me why." "And this Italian dude is there with his girlfriend." "And his girlfriend is looking at me or Denny." "And Italian guys." "You hear the shit they say to their girlfriends?" ""What the fuck you looking over there for, huh?" ""You been looking over there all fucking night, all right?" ""You look over there again and I'll shove a glass in your fucking mouth, all right?" ""You're making me look like I'm an asshole." "Don't you ever disrespect me." ""Hey, shut up." "Don't, I'll fucking kick your ass inside here." ""Why are looking at that dancer and a Mollie?" "He's a Mollie!" "I'll kick his ass."" "Now, black people from New York have a trick we use on white people." "It works." "Even if you can't fight, act like you can fight, cos it gets you outta a lot of fights." "It works." "Walk up to a white dude tomorrow and step on his foot." "He says, "You got a problem?" You go, "Yeah, motherfucker, I got a problem!" ""I just lost my motherfucking job, to a white man, look just like you." ""So I say, I'm gonna step on some feet 'til I feel I've redeemed myself." ""You got a problem?" The white guy says, "Hey, I didn't know about your job."" "And they leave, and the brother stands there like this, "Phew!" "That was close." "You gotta act like you can fight." "Put your voice up an octave and act confused." "And say "Hey, what the fuck this motherfucker trying?" ""Don't put your motherfucking hands..." "mind your motherfucking business!" ""Don't you never put your motherfucking hands." "Oh, shut the fuck up, man." ""You know, I'll bust... get the fuck off me." "I'll bust your mother-fucking ass, too." ""You want some?" "You want some, motherfucker?" "Then make a move." ""You better walk away, motherfucker." "Or I'll bust your pussy ass, too." ""Never put your motherfucking hands on me." "What the fuck is your problem?" ""You got a problem?" "Well, I'm gonna settle your problem." ""I'll settle your problem, motherfucker!" And the dude did like this, "Come on!"" "I was stuck." "I was standing like this now." "He said, "Come on." I didn't know what to do." "I could act like I could fight good." "You know, I'm an actor, I ain't no fighter." "You put me in a movie where I'm the star, I'll kick your ass." "But this is real shit." "He's standing there, "Come on." I was frozen." "I was standing there, my ego jumped out of my body and said," ""Punch him in the face, Ed." I said, "I ain't punching nobody." My ego said," ""Well, give me a hand." Clocked that boy in his eye." "Boy fell on the deck holding his eye, he was all fucked up." "I looked at my ego and said, "What the fuck you do that for?"" "Ego said, "Cos you've got an image to uphold." "Look, you kicked his ass."" "The dude was holding his eye." "My ego said, "Now talk some shit, so people won't mess with you." I was like," ""Yeah." "I'm tired of people messing with me." "(Ego) "Now tell 'em if somebody else move, you'll kick their ass."" ""If somebody else move, I'm gonna kick their ass!"" ""Do some rhyme with your name." "That always scares white people."" ""Cos I'm Ed and if you mess with Ed, you be dead."" ""That's all right." "Doesn't matter." "Relax, don't worry." "Just be cool." ""Nobody gonna move after they seen you kick this dude's ass." "Relax." ""Don't worry." "Every now and then you gotta whip somebody's ass." ""Let them know where you stand." I said, "Yeah!"" "I ain't see this dude's brother standing behind me." "And he has seen "Rocky", too." "He swung around my back and punched me in the mouth... real, real hard." "And the punch said, "Bang!" And my ego said, "What was that?"" "I said, 'I don't know.' And my lips said, "Hey, fellas!"" "(Heart beat)" "I'm standing there with my lips hanging down looking like JJ from "Good Times."" "And I didn't know what to do, so I said, "Security!"" "One of my boys jumped over the table like Linc Hayes from the "Mod Squad"" "and grabbed that boy and went, pop, pop, pop, boom!" "The boy hit the deck." "My boy jumps up and was kicking the dude's ass." "His brother woke up and kicked my boy's ass." "Then someone says," ""There's a fight!" The bouncers came in, it was a white club." "They saw two niggers fighting two white guys and jumped on the niggers." ""You niggers have to stop fucking up our club." ""We saw you laughing while we were dancing."" "And then the brothers saw 40 white guys beating up two black guys and they fight." "It was 40 white guys fighting 40 black guys, it was a big race war." "Suntan lotion and Jerry Curl juice all over the place." "And at the end of the fight, everybody sued me." "Everybody claimed I whipped their ass." "I'm 5'10", weigh 165 pounds." "I can't whip a disco's ass by myself." "Even people that didn't fight sued me." "People watching the fight was in court," ""No, I didn't actually fight." "I was watching." "It was a disco." ""And a strobe light fell off the ceiling, creating a weird effect with the mirror." ""I saw this and my eyes were sprained." "I need 12 million for my sprained eyes."" "Brothers sued me." "The Brothers came out and sued." "I was like, "Ain't no brothers gonna sue me." The brothers went to get paid." "I was like, "Brothers don't sue brothers." They said, "Fuck that." "I'm getting paid."" "Brothers went to court and got educated on the judge suddenly." "(Judge) "State your case"." ""Yes, your honour, on the evening in question, per se." ""Yo, check it out, your honour." "I was inside a disco, right." ""I went in with my girlie, right." "My girl says, 'There's Eddie Murphy.'" ""I said, 'Where?" "' She said, 'Over there.' I said, 'Fuck that motherfucker!" ""'I make my money just like him,' right, your honour, cos I don't give a fuck." ""So, your honour, check it out, right." "What happened then, right?" ""I say, 'Yo, you want me go over and get the motherfucker's autograph?" "'" ""I got the autograph for my girl." "I walked over, say, 'Yo, Ed, sign this autograph.'" ""Ed say, 'I ain't signing a motherfucking thing." "Fuck you and your ugly bitch!" "'" ""I say, 'Yo, Ed." "I bust your ass for saying shit like that.'" ""He says, 'Motherfucker.'" ""And he ran over to my woman and he slap her in the face." ""Then he slap me and my man." "All three of us like the three stooges." " "12 million. 12!" I was disgusted." " (Audience member) Half!" ""Yeah, your honour." "Give us half his shit!"" "I was mad." "I called my mother." "You know how you do, when you get depressed." "You get your ass whipped, first thing you do is call home cos you wanna hear your mother say, "It's gonna be all right." ""You just come on home." "Ssh!" "Stop crying." "I'll cook you something to eat." ""I'll cook you one of them big old burgers I used to make." "And you want that big burger when you get older." "I called my mother's house on Friday night." "The phone rang for a half hour." "So my pops was home, and drunk, and I was praying he wouldn't answer." "My lips are swollen, like Jimmy Walker." "I'm going, "No, I just a fight."" "I'm praying my father won't answer the phone." "I picture this going on." "My pop's home like this, drunk," ""This is my house!" ""It's my house and I don't give a fuck!" ""You know something?" "Hey, I'm drunk, Lil." "Lil?" "I'm drunk." ""And you know something?" "It's beautiful." "It's beautiful, Lil." ""In my heart and my soul, I'm drunk." "You know something, fuck it." ""If I want to drink something in my house, fine." ""You don't like it, get the fuck outta my house." ""Cos I pay the bills for this motherfucker." ""Hey, Lil, you gonna answer this telephone?" ""Do you hear the phone ringing?" "Lil!"" "(Ringing)" ""That's the phone, motherfucker." "That's not me." ""No, I'm not answering shit." "I pay the bills." "I'm gonna answer the phone, too?" ""Who am I?" "Alexander Graham Bell up in this motherfucker?" ""You better answer this telephone." "Lil, answer the phone." "Goddammit." "Shit." ""Are you gonna answer?" "You're not gonna answer it?" ""OK." "Don't touch the phone no more, Lil." "Cos you can't answer the phone." ""You can't touch the phone." "Bye-bye phone." "No more phone for you." ""Your phone privileges are cut off." ""I'm gonna write that down and put it on the refrigerator." ""That's the new rules." "I'm gonna take the old rules off and put new rules up." ""We're gonna put new rules up." ""Rules." ""One, Lillian cannot use the phone." ""Two, Lillian cannot..." "Since you're such a smart motherfucker," ""you can't go outside any more, either." ""Cannot go outside ever again." ""Now, I put the rules up, Lillian." "You abide by my rules and regulations." ""The rules say, no phone and no outside." ""I don't give a fuck if the motherfucking house is burning down." ""If I come home and a fireman putting the house out, I say," ""'How you know the house was burning?" "' 'Your wife called us.' I'll kick your ass." ""You're in this house to stay." "You'll burn up in this motherfucker." ""No, Lillian, where you going?" "Didn't I just say you couldn't go no place?" ""You're not going to Shirley's to play Pakeno." "Fuck Pakeno." ""Take your coat off." "No, you can't go." ""I know you want to leave, that's why you can't go." ""You better call her and tell her you're not coming." "You can't use my phone." ""Lift up the window and scream your motherfucking head off." ""Cos you're not going." "You're not going no place." "No." ""Cos I know you want to leave, that's why." "I know you want to leave."" "When my father gets drunk, he sings old Motown songs to you in his argument and fucks up all the lyrics and thinks it's right." "# I know you're wanna leave me" "# But I refuse to let you go, Lillian #" "Then he fuck up." "# If I have to beg and plead, do the symphony" "# I don't mind, cos it means that much to me #" ""You're not going no place." "You be right here in this motherfucker, Lil."" "# Watching the ships roll in" "# Then you watch 'em roll away again, Lillian #" ""Cos I put the rules up." "Like Diana Ross say."" "# It's my house, I, I, live here #" ""And she sing in Spanish, too, Lillian."" "# En ma casa, I don't viva aqui #" ""This is my house." "Do you hear this phone ringing, Lillian?" ""I'm gonna answer this phone, cos I know it's Shirley." ""You let the phone ring for a half hour." "That's a lonely bitch at the other end." ""Hello, Shirley, bitch, if you ever let my phone ring like this again..." "Who is?" ""Hey, what you crying about?" ""Eddie what's wrong with you?" "What?" "You had a fight?" "Lillian, get my pistol!" ""Who you have a fight with?" "What?" "A disco?" "With Denny Terrio?" ""What fuck you doing with Denny Terrio?" "Jimmy Walker?" "And your lips?" "And shot." ""Lillian, Eddie had a fight in a disco with Danny Terrio and shot Jimmy Walker." ""He shot him in the lips, Lil." ""Eddie, why'd you shoot Jimmy Walker in his lips?" I like 'Good Times.'" ""Oh, you took a shot in your lips and you look like Jimmy Walker?" "Oh, that'd do it." ""Who punched you in the lips?" "Italian?" "For what?" "What do you mean nothing?" ""Nobody get punched in the mouth for nothing." "What did you do?" ""You had to do something." "Nobody gets punched for nothing." ""What, Eddie, don't say nothing."" "# Nothing from nothing leaves nothing #" "# Had to something, motherfucker punched you in the mouth #" ""Now, what did you do?" "Eddie." "Then it's something that you did a long time ago." ""Didn't I always say you reap what you sow?" "What goes around comes around." ""That's why that man punched you tonight." ""For something you did a long time ago." "You get what you give, motherfucker." ""Eddie." "What do you mean you don't remember what you did?" ""He probably hit you for something you did when you lived here." ""I didn't catch everything that you did." "I work all day, you play all day." ""Eddie, who broke that lamp in 1971?" ""It was you." "Yes it was." "That's why that man kick your ass tonight." ""If he's still there, go up and tell him your father say thank you." ""Save me a trip to California." "You never respect me." "You never listen to me." ""I put rules on the refrigerator." "You never obey my rules." ""Me and your Mother want respect." "You, Charlie and Vernon do not respect us." ""And all we want was a little respect." "All we asked for was a little respect." ""How come you can't respect me?" "I'm a man." "I want respect, Eddie."" "# What we want, baby you got it, what we need, I know you got it" "# Cos all I'm asking is for a little respect, motherfucker" "# When you come on home, baby #" ""Hold on a minute."" "# Ooh, the kisses, sweeter than honey" "# R-E-S-E-C-P, find out what you mean to me, R-E-C-C-T-T-P #" ""Motherfucker, you know how to spell it!" "Respect." ""You never respected me, that's why that man kick your ass tonight." ""When I was a child, I respect my parent." "And we didn't have shit." "OK?" ""Me and my brothers and sisters didn't have shit." ""I had 11 brothers and sisters, Eddie." "My father made 13 cents a week." ""He worked at the Toledo toy factory and made 13 cents a week." ""That's not a lot of money when you have 11 children." ""We didn't have fancy things like you." ""We didn't have fancy luxuries like food." ""What you gonna eat on 13 cents a week?" ""We had to eat what my father brought home from work." "We ate the toys." ""We ate the toys and never complained, cos my mother could cook her ass off." ""My mother get some hot sauce and salt and pepper," ""make a Tonka truck taste so delicious, the wheels will melt in your mouth." ""And you appreciate it and you never complained." "We always stuck together." ""I only hurt my brothers and sisters once." ""I came home and my mother had made a birthday feast for my father." ""She had cooked all day and made enough food for 13 people to feast on," ""for my father for his birthday and I sat down and ate it all by myself." ""I ate it all, Eddie and my father came in the kitchen, put his little birthday hat on." ""He looked at us and he had a tear in his eye and he said," ""'Which one of you kids ate a whole fucking game of Monopoly by himself?" "'" ""And I ate it all, Eddie." "Boardwalk, Park Place, Illinois Avenue, the shoe," ""the boat, the hat, the cannon, Connecticut Avenue, Luxury Tax." ""Eddie, I even ate those cheap purple motherfuckers after 'Go'." ""That nobody buys." "I ate them." "I ate Baltic and Ralph Avenue, yes I did." ""I ate my father's birthday cake, too." "No, it wasn't a cake." "We couldn't afford one." ""It was two Etch-a-Sketches on top of each other." "An Etch-a-Sketch cake." ""We couldn't afford icing, so my mother wrote 'Happy Birthday Pop'" ""on the front of the Etch-a-Sketch." "You know how you made a wish?" ""You shook it 'till the words disappeared." "And that was your birthday cake." ""We never complained, Eddie." "We were happy to get that." ""We would get dressed to go to school in the morning." ""We didn't have clothes like other children." "We wore the toys." ""Each day my mother would wake up and open 11 Twister games, Eddie." ""She would roll the Twister mats on the floor" ""and we would wrap the mats around our body like a suit." ""Then we'd get a Hot Wheels Race Track and use it as a belt." ""If there was no Hot Wheels, we ripped up a Hula-Hoop and used that as a belt." ""But we went to school, goddammit." "And other children made fun of us." ""It's no fun to get your ass kicked in a Twister mat." ""Right foot, blue." "Left hand, red." "It was a game to these kids." ""A motherfucker is spinning the spinner and kicking my ass, Eddie." ""Then I go to school and watch the other children eat real food." ""I watch them eat peanut butter." "I got a goddamn Silly Putty sandwich." ""For dessert, they have a hostess cupcake and I gotta eat a Slinky?" ""A Slinky spring." "I ate so many Slinkies." ""Every time I hear the motherfucker Slinky song, it makes me sick."" "# They walk downstairs, alone and in pairs and make a clickety sound" "# A thing, a thing, a marvellous thing, everyone knows it's Slinky" "# A Slinky, a Slinky, a wonderful, wonderful toy" "# A Slinky, a Slinky, for every girl and boy #" "Bye-bye, I gotta go." "Thank you." "(Cheering and applause)" "English (eh)"