""He would not take no for an answer." "Our young hero traveled a great many leagues, beneath the ocean's surface to find his shackled mermaid, and he had no intention of leaving without her." "However, the evil sea king had other plans." "Like a madman driven by love and revenge, the diver unsheathed his speargun and fired." "His harpoon struck the merman's heart, and blood shot out like a miniature geyser." "The bubble surrounding the princess burst, as two tiger sharks ravaged the king's lifeless body, scattering his guts across the sea like a quilted feather pillow." "Yet, amid the melee, the diver bent down on one knee, and his hand held out a small pearl." "The princess smiled." "'Don't bother,' she said." "'I've already packed.'" "And so they rode off on the back of a white whale, and with a bouquet of plankton, they were betrothed." "The End."" "Very good, very good." "Thank you." "Okay, I thought that went well back there, don't you?" "Are you kidding me?" "That was amazing." "It was so great to see you in action back there." "Yeah, it felt good." "Tell me your thoughts on the ending." "What did you think of the diver ending up with the mermaid?" "You thought that was too easy?" "Easy?" "No, not at all." "I mean, I felt that, like, it was the only way that it could have ended." "Yeah, I agree, and I'm the writer." "Here we go." "Are... are we in a rush or something?" "I'm not in a rush." "We just got a full weekend ahead of us." "We got so many things to do." "What is that?" "Oh, just some books..." "And this." "You... you recommended this to me a long time ago." "You said you felt like it was written about you, so..." "Yeah, well..." "Those were my younger and more vulnerable years." "Do you mind, sir?" "This is a bike lane, not a parking lot." "Fuck you, asshole!" "This is a lot of goddamn luggage for three days, buddy." "We're not going on safari." "We're going on a vacation." "Well, I-I wasn't exactly sure what to be prepared for." "I mean, you weren't very specific over the phone." "I guess I wasn't." "And... and, you know, I wanted to look nice if there was gonna be girls at the hotel." "Yeah, there might be girls at the hotel." "You need to relax, buddy." "That's not the point of the trip." "You don't have to worry yourself about girls." "This trip is about us going on boat rides in the sun." "We got to read some books." "I got to read things to you out loud." "You've been hiding from me in your parents' apartment, you little prince." "It's time to get you out of there." "Okay." "I mean, I don't really feel like I've been hiding from you." "If anything, I feel like you've been hiding from me, maybe." "I feel like we had lunch not that long ago." "No." "No, I don't..." "I'm not..." "I don't think I've seen you in like a year, Sam." " A year?" " Yeah, at least." "A year?" "I got a little present for you." " What is this?" " Open it." "What?" "It just reminds me of the buck knife you used to carry around in your belt loop when we were campers." "Remember?" "The one that I lost?" " Yeah." " That's why I got it." "Whose, uh..." "whose initials are these?" "Those are yours, buddy." "No, it says N.B." "No, I know, that's my friend Noah Bressman." "He doesn't use it, though." "I took it from him." "Thank you." "It's... perfect, Sam." "Happy birthday, kid." "Thanks." "It's not my birthday, though." "I know it's not your birthday, you silly goose." "Consider it early for next year." "Oh, my God." "I've just been so busy lately with this book, Marshall." "That's what it is." "That's why I'm so lousy at keeping in touch." "I know, I know, I know, it's... it's fine, man." "It has nothing to do with you personally, though." " Yeah, and..." " You know that." "Yeah, no, I know." "I know I don't have to tell you that, but I should." "And I do have to say that I think it's really admirable that you're able to, like, come up with these amazing characters and everything and still keep a real job during the day, you know?" "That is my real job, actually." "Waitress, can we get the check?" "Thank you." "You know, I was about ready to take on the job market myself." "I sent out some résumés, took some meetings that my dad set up, and then, you know, the whole disaster happened, and I had to move back in with my parents, and, you know, at first it was hard for me" "to even leave my own room, and before I knew it, eight months had just flown on by." "Jesus Christ, Marshall, that's what I'm saying." "The guy I know used to be a crazed wild man." "You're nothing like that anymore." "What happened?" "When did you start smoking?" "Recently." "You probably shouldn't be doing it at a gas station." "That's an old wives' tale, Marshall." "You're gonna love this hotel, by the way, pal." "Really?" "I'll tell you, it might as well have a goddamn Michelin star." "What's it like?" "It's very elegant, very warm, got a real old-world kind of flavor to it." "It's like they put the plaza at the countryside." "Oh, I love that." "Right here." "Whoa, this is the place we're staying at?" "Uh, no." "I think we made a wrong turn, actually." "We're staying down the road, I think." "Oh." "Huh." "Ah, she's got a lot of baggage." "Out of my way." "It's a wedding, everybody." "Let's get 'em." "Do you know these people or something?" "No, I don't know these people." "How the hell would I know these people?" "Can I help you, gentlemen?" "Are you here for the weekend?" "Uh, no, I think we're all right, thanks, actually." "Yeah, we're... we're not here for the weekend." "We... we were staying down the road a piece." "We just made a wrong turn." "Then you should leave immediately." "This car is smoking profusely." "Unbelievable, that guy." "Honestly, can you believe that?" "Yeah." "It was very condescending, his tone, wasn't it?" "I mean, I don't think he did anything that bad." "I think he was just doing his job." "The place seemed really exclusive, you know." "I mean, he just thought we were middle class or something, just by looking at us." "I mean, we are middle class." "Well, that's not the point." "Hey, pull over really fast." "I need to make a quick call." "Okay." "All righty, you should get us some booze and snackies for the room." "I got to make a call." "Who are you gonna call?" "Get whatever you'd like." "Anything." "You just gave me $2." "It should work." "Hi." "It's Sam." "Hi." "It's Sam." "Yeah, hi." "It's Sam." "Hi." "It's Sam." "Hoo..." "Chief, can you just run the card one more time?" "Just run the card one more time, sir." "Run the goddamn card one more time, please?" "He's giving me the silent treatment." "You're gonna have to give me your wallet, Marshall." "This guy's treating me like I'm a frickin' criminal." "Let me explain something to you, sir." "I put money on this card last week." "There's no reason why this card shouldn't be working right now." "That's the card, by the way." "That should go through." "Sorry, Marshall." "I'm gonna pay you back." "I put money on the card last week." "It's okay." "Just calm down." "I can't calm down, Marshall." "You should be angry, too." "How could it be unlisted?" "I was just there." "It's a big white house with blue shutters." "Or maybe they're black." "Does that make any difference whatsoever?" "I'm not authorized to give you..." "No, you're the phone company." "You're supposed to know everything." " There's no hot water." " I'm sorry." "I can't help you." "Oh, and I was just made aware there's no hot water in the room." "How are you gonna run a hotel with no hot water?" "Anything else, Marshall?" "There was a bit of hair in the drain." "And there was a full head of hair in the drain." "So if you can get a maid up or an electrician," "I would really appreciate that, thank you." "I'm sorry, Marshall." "I'm just not gonna let some two-bit Indian treat me like a maniac, you know?" "It's fine." "I didn't even think he really did anything." "Went completely numb." "Marshall, I apologize." "I know this was supposed to be a very relaxing weekend, your first weekend being out of the house in a year." "I mean, your actions were a little overwhelming, but I'm just glad that I'm unpacked and settled in." "If I could just take a chance to relax for a little while." "Let's go to the pool." "You know, I've got to tell you, I'm only on page 37, but so far, I totally get what you're saying about this guy." "I feel like it's written about me or something." "It's kind of haunting." "You know what I think?" "I think we need to get out of here and have ourselves a drinky." "True or false... you want to meet some women on this trip, right?" "I mean, true, but it's not the most important thing in the world to me." "I mean, just sitting here by the pool with you is probably the most exciting thing I've done all year." "Right." "That's all the more reason why we should keep pushing forward." "Look, see for yourself." "There's a very interesting thing going on down the beach over there." "They're all old people." "Exactly, Marshall." "They're gonna love you." "It looks like a blast, man." "It's just..." "I don't know if I'm ready to dive into a stressful social situation like that right now, you know?" "That's the whole point of the trip, Marshall." "We got to do this for ourselves, for you." "This is your coming-out party." "Well, I guess we could stop by for a minute, but I can't exactly go over there in my swim trunks, now, can I?" "No." "But you brought a suit, right?" "Well, yeah, you told me to bring one just in case, but I'd have to sticky-roll it." "Well, sticky-roll that thing and blow this joint." "Why are we sneaking around like this?" "We're not sneaking around." "We're being mysterious." "Look, Marshall, it's sunny out." "I still don't get what I'm supposed to say to these people." "You just pretend like you fit in, and you'll be fine." "It'll be like the time we went to the Harmony Club and took steam showers with all those old guys." "They didn't question us, did they?" "We just need to find somebody who can help us get acclimated to the party, you know, ease into it a little bit." "Then when the time is right, we'll peacock ourselves around and show ourselves off to some of these older women, you know what I mean?" "By the way, feel free to make shit up about yourself, like a job or something." "This guy's perfect." "Hey, excuse me." "Ahoy, amigo!" "He seems kind of strange." "Let's go." "Wait, don't go anywhere." "Is there a problem, Officers?" "I haven't done anything." "Let me ask you a question." "What's a guy like you doing by yourself when the party's over there?" "Just hanging out by the ocean, Officer." "Well, we're, you know, down on the beach, and your party's rattling our walls a little bit." "What kind of dragon do I have to slay to get a drink around these parts?" "Pow!" "Pow!" "I'm really glad you guys are here." "I was getting a little bit bored, to be honest." "Well, aren't these all your friends?" "No, none of these people are my friends." "They don't even like each other." "Huh, you can say that again, right?" "That's why everybody drinks and there are so many pills." "Hey, speaking of drinking, let's drink." "Hey, oh!" " Save some for me." " Hey, there she is." "Hey, believe it or not, but this one's been in a ladies' prison, boys." "Really?" "That's funny." "So has Marshall." "May I?" "Oh, I love the flavor of this brand." "Very smooth." "Yeah, you'd like it a lot more if you inhaled it." "No." "I-I did." "Sweetie, look, dolphins!" "It's terrible." "All right." "This is the smartest thing we've ever done, by the way." "So, what do we do now?" "What do you mean, what do we do now?" "Who do you like?" "What girl?" "I mean, she's kind of beautiful in a sad kind of way." "Everybody here is sad, Marshall." "That's why we could really clean up in a place like this." "However, I don't think you should be focused on the maid." "I would focus on that redhead over there, though." "She seems elegant." "She'd be lucky to have sex with you." "She's laughing at us." "Laugh back at her." "No, that's what these people do here, Marshall." "They laugh at you." "That's why we could really clean up." "Because we're the young bloods." "You know what I mean?" "Apparently, he arranged a screening at some theater..." "Uh, uh, I think I got something." "Let's go fishing." "Right." "Right." "I heard it was her favorite movie." ""Brief" something or other." " "Brief Encounter."" " What?" ""Brief Encounter"..." "the film you were talking about." "It's based on Noel Coward's play called "Still Life,"" "which came out in '36." "You guys might have been around for that, actually." " Who are you?" " Oh, I'm Sam Davis." "Nice to meet you." "I'm a published author of several children's stories and such." "Oh." "This is my friend Marshall, by the way." " Marshall, say hi to the captain." " Hi." "Tell them what you do, Marshall." "Oh, I-I don't actually do anything right now." "I haven't really been in a healthy enough state to even fathom holding down a real job, you know." "Marshall's a comedian, actually." "No." "The truth is, that I've just been going through kind of a rough patch right now, and so I haven't really been putting myself out there." "Just been too exhausted, but, uh... uh, when I do, I think I might want to be an actor." "Or a sea captain." "How do you get into that?" "Excuse me." " Look at you." " What are you doing here?" "Oh, my God, you look amazing right now." "Honestly, you are such a sight." " Look at you in this light." " Answer the question, Sam." "Have you grown?" "I think you've grown." "Maybe it's just your posture, but you seem a little taller." "I don't know..." "Seriously, Sam, what the fuck are you doing here?" "What are you talking about?" "Your brother invited me." " Why are you acting like this?" " You've never even met my brother." "That's not true, actually." "We just met down on the other side of the beach, and he invited me to come and have a few drinks and say hi, so I'm just saying hi." "You can't be here, Sam." "You have to leave." "Didn't you get my postcard?" "Which postcard?" "You send me a lot of postcards." "Why are you acting like this?" "I haven't seen your face..." "Hey, look at this." " That's my sister, Zoe, man." " Yes, it is." "Isn't she pretty?" "Coincidentally, your sister and I have already met, and I agree..." "she's completely beautiful." " No." " All right." " So, Teddy, you met Sam, then, yeah?" " Thank you, Teddy." " Yeah." " Sam Davis." "Oh, Sammy Davis." "You sly fox, man." "No..." "All right." "Well, I'm gonna go find your friend, man." "It's on me." " You brought a friend?" " Yeah, he drives." "Listen, do you want to go somewhere and get a drink?" "Oh, my God." "No, I... no, I can't, okay?" " I would like to talk to you." " No." "No, no, no, no." "You have got to leave now." "I'm not going anywhere." "Oh, there she is..." "my beautiful, elusive woman." "Can I steal you away to take a few pictures with the photographer?" " Of course." " Who are you?" "Are you...?" "This is Whit." "I'm..." "Whit, I'm Sam Davis." "Pleasure to finally meet you." "Sam." "I've heard many, many things about you." "Zoe's told me many things." " Oh." "Big Sam." " Mm-hmm." "Of course you are!" "Come here!" "Oh, my God!" "Oh, my God." "Finally, a chance to meet the famous Sam Davis!" "Yeah." "Darling, you didn't tell me you invited Big Sam for the weekend." "I didn't, but Sam's not gonna stay very long." "Yeah, no." "I won't be staying long at all." "It's really just a funny coincidence, because our hotel shares a beach with your miniature castle over here, and, uh, we ran into Teddy, and he invited me to say hi, so, just saying hi." "You'll have to forgive me, but the way Zoe speaks of you," "I always sort of imagined this tall, strapping fellow, what with all the "Sam sent me this" and "Sam wrote me that."" "Right." "You're far slighter than I imagined." "Well, it looks like Zoe's telling you some tall tales, then, I guess." "He is funny." "You were right." "Hey, you Mick, you've got a lot of fucking nerve showing up here." "Oh, come on." "Thanks for inviting me." "I will take out your fucking front two teeth if you keep this up." " Isn't he something?" " What's with the little mustache?" "What?" "I forgot I even had it, actually." "Do you like it?" "Hmm." "I like you better without it." "Fuck off, but do me a favor and stay close by 'cause I want to talk to you about the idea I just had." "I'm so sorry about that." "Bruce and I spearhead the Little Foot Foundation together." "We made 10,000 pairs of open-toed adjustable sandals just last year for poor African children." "Makes me feel good, you know?" "Yeah, it should." "Huh." " You need a drink." " Yeah." "So, tell me, Sam, where was it you said you were staying?" "My friend Marshall and I are staying at this neat little native American place called "The Little Mohican Inn."" "It's a fantastic place." "You guys should go if you ever have an opportunity." "Now, listen, Sam, we've got to take this photograph, but it seems a bloody waste for you and Marvin to stay in that Indian shit hole when we've got this big, lovely house all to ourselves." "No." "No, no, no, no, no!" "Every room is..." " Aren't you gorgeous?" "...full in the house." "I'm sure we can find a place for these two to bunk up in." "It's your rule..." "the more the merrier." "You know, it's so rare that we have the whole gang out to celebrate such a gorgeous occasion." "Oh, yeah, what is the occasion, by the way?" "You haven't told him, have you?" "Of course I have." "No, no, no, no, you haven't told me." "I don't know what's going on." "Somebody, please, tell me the good news finally." "Zoe and I are getting married on Sunday." "Yes!" "Married?" "!" "Really?" "And it's my birthday!" "That where I got..." "And here, too." "You can't really see a scar, though, because I have an amazing plastic surgeon." "Excuse us for a moment." "Hey, pal." " What am I, a fucking waitress?" " Oh, my goodness." "I thought we made an agreement to lie about ourselves." "Yeah, but I hate lying." "I'm terrible at it." "Oh, you'll get better, trust me." "Who are those people you were talking to?" "I think I recognize that guy from someplace." "Funny enough, those are some acquaintances of mine that are staying here for the weekend." "And I've told you about my friend Zoe, have I not?" " No." " No?" "Doesn't matter." "Anyway..." "Uh, listen, I think we should check out of the Mohican and stay here for the weekend." "What do you mean?" "Well, I mean, I was just extended the invitation for both of us, and I think we ought to take it." "But I love the Mohican." "It's got a lot of character." "Marshall, people only say that about terrible things when they're trying to be nice." "I mean, look around, pal." "Every single person here wants to know who we are, especially that spunky-looking redhead over there." "What's her name?" " Esme." " Esme." "Exactly." "And I'm sure that sad maid is around here somewhere lurking around." "Those are two very realistic options for you." "You're not gonna get a deal like that at the Mohican." "I just..." "I don't feel like we'd be able to spend as much quality time together if we stayed here." "Buddy, listen, this is a golden opportunity here." "Okay?" "I'm just saying." "I mean..." "It's your call." "I told you what I feel." "You tell me what you feel." "I feel like..." "I want to stay at the Mohican." "Okay." "Third floor, menswear." "That old boy put you on the third floor." "Marshall, I don't want to beat the dead horse, but remember, you don't have to explain everything to everyone all the time, you know what I mean?" "Just pepper in a little subtlety here and there." "Trust me." "What, you're saying I'm too obvious?" " I would never say that." "Ever." "Keep up!" "This place is like a playground." "You have a canoe, you have golf clubs." "You have every sort of ball known to mankind." "It is what it is, man." " This place is incredible." "I love it." "I wouldn't put you here." "Little more subtle, Marshall." " What's that smell?" " Cat shit." "Zoe loves cats, right?" "She's got strays running all over, and they all take shits under your bed, man." " Are they rescues?" " Yeah, they're rescues." "She rescues cats, dogs, gerbils..." "anything, man." "God, that sister of yours." "She's always taking care of everybody." "She's got a lot of love to give, doesn't she?" "She's the best." "She took care of me from day one on, so..." "Look how good you turned out, big guy." "Uh-huh." "Look, I want to be the guy who takes care of you guys this weekend, okay?" "It's my sister's wedding." "She wants everybody to have fun." "So if you guys need anything..." "you know, coke, pills..." "Oh, actually, I could really use a ginger ale and, like, an aspirin." "I kind of got, like, a sinus thing, so..." "I don't smoke." "Good boy." "I like that." "Good answer." "Move your shit, man." "Move it right now." "Get out of my way, man." "Hey, it's a wedding, everybody." "See you, Big Ted." "I'm gonna call him Uncle Teddy." "It's hot in here." "It's really hot in here." "It's not that hot." "That's what the fan is for." "One of the cats shit in the bathtub." "They're a bunch of strays, Marshall." "I'm just glad they have a home." "What is that?" "Just, like, a little gift basket." "It was left outside the door." "Really?" "Presents?" "Were you reading my journal?" "Yeah." "Marshall..." "When did you start keeping a journal?" "Like, about a year ago." "You're a pretty goddamn good writer." "Yeah." "My therapist thought it would be a good idea." "And I know you used to have one, and..." "You're in therapy?" " Yeah." "Big-time." " Why?" "Got a lot of problems." "How many problems can you have, Marshall?" "You're 25 years old." "Quite a few." "Jesus Christ, Marshall." "You should prepare me before you tell me something like that." "That's shocking." "What kind of stuff they got here?" "Oh, a note." "How long have you known Zoe, exactly?" "Not long." "Um, we're just, you know... friends of a friend..." "that sort of thing." "I'm gonna take a shower, buddy." "You should spruce up and, uh, get ready for supper." "Let's not be late, all right?" " Oh, there's no hot water in there." " That's fine." "That is very funny, and you are, yes, a very sad man." "Who wants to hear the story of how we met?" "'Cause I only want to tell this story once." "There may be three people at the table that haven't heard this story." "Do you know, when I first asked Zoe to dinner, she laughed in my face." "No, I didn't laugh." "I didn't laugh." "No, it was..." "It was an innocent guffaw." "Oh, what happened to your mustache?" "I look better without it." "Can you not be so observant all the time?" "Thank you." "I hounded this girl for a month to get one dinner with her." "I sent flowers to the store where she worked." "You did send flowers, and they were beautiful." "So I practically stalked you, didn't I?" "Oh, that's charming." "God, here we go." "Very funny, everybody, laugh it up." "It's a wedding!" "For all you guys who don't know me, my name's Teddy." "That's my sister." "And our parents are dead." "Everybody dies." "It was a long time ago, and we're doing okay now, so don't worry about it." "So congratulations from the family." "I love you very much." " I love you, Teddy." " I really, really do." "You're one of the good ones." "And you stuck with me when I was all the way down, you know?" "And you always have." "There's all these snakes in this world, but not you." "And it's time, you know, you're moving on, and I'm happy for you, but I'm just going through a shit period for me, and so I'm just sad..." "I'm..." "I'm just sad that you're leaving, that's all." "I'm not going anywhere, Teddy." "Me, neither, Teddy." "Cheers, everyone." "It's a wedding." "Have fun." "What are you gonna do about it?" "Thank you, cheers." "Cheers, Teddy." "Eat it up, boy." "Your candor and brevity are always so much appreciated." "I fucked that up." "Um, so, um, let me keep this brief 'cause you all know how much I hate giving speeches, but, um..." "could you just film this?" "I'm baring my soul here." "You know, catch the moment." "Here we go." "Uh, do you know, when you spend a year in a tent in the African bush, you learn to appreciate the little things in life, like running water and the taste of a decent cheeseburger." "You learn to appreciate being home around your friends, around your family, around the people who mean most to you in this unforgiving world." "Zoe..." "What?" "I would be lying if I didn't say that loving you has been the great adventure of my life." "And I make films in Africa." "And coercing you into finally marrying me has been by far my greatest achievement." "Other than that Oscar." "I'm joking!" "I'm joking!" " I am joking." " You're not joking." " You're dead serious." " I love you." "I love you." "Cheers, cheers, cheers." "I toast to you, to old friends and new ones." "I've got such huge love for everyone at this ta..." " Uh-oh." " Cheers." "Hi, everyone." "Cheers." "Cheers, Whit, Zoe." "Cheers, everyone here." "Um, well, I think I speak for Marshall and myself when I say that it's a pleasure..." "Who's Marshall?" "...to... to witness the pairing of two beautiful people." "Two... two dreamers, really, who are about to, uh... embark on a journey of love and friendship." "Um, it's a rare thing to see two people who are so good-looking involved with each other." "Um..." "Anyway, uh, thank you, Whit, for letting us stay here." "Uh, to new friends and to old friends." "And, uh..." "Whit..." "You're a lucky man." "And, Zoe Whit's a lucky man." "If you'll excuse me a moment." "Sam, where are you going?" "Oh, no, Sam, you're gonna miss the birthday cake." "Damn, just missed him." "Anyway, cheers, everyone." "I hope you have a marvelous evening." "Really." "Does everyone have enough to drink?" "Are you feeling all right?" "You found me!" "Oh." "I'm fine." "I just think I got a bad case of food poisoning." "So sweet of you to come out here and check up on me like this." "Unbelievable, right?" "You'd think with all the money this guy has, he'd serve some decent food in this joint." "Are you drunk?" "You know what?" "That's it." "I drank on an empty stomach." "You should never do that, Marshall." "Come on." "Let's take a breath." "How'd you like my speech?" "It's a tough crowd out there." "You and Zoe..." "You never had, like, a-a thing, did you?" "What does that mean?" "What's a thing?" "I don't know, it's just, she kind of looks at you oddly, and you always breathe really funny whenever she's around." "And I was just flipping through your story again, it just seems like there's a lot of parallels." "Right." "Have you ever written anything, Marshall?" "Just in my journal." "Well, let me explain something to you, pal." "Let me explain to you what us writers like to do." "We make things up..." "amalgams, okay?" "And what are amalgams?" "They're things or characters based on other things or characters sort of all mixed together into one." "Now, while Zoe up there and I are friends, and I do find her kind of interesting, she's just a small part of a bigger whole." "Tiny, insignificant part of that mermaid from my story." "She's a mixture of a lot of different girls that I know." "Kind of like scrambled eggs." "Does that make any sense?" "No." "I think I'm having a hard time articulating what I'm feeling right now." "I think it's fear." "It's not because I don't trust you, because I do." "I just..." "Marshall, let me explain something to you." "One of my best-received stories was loosely based on the time that you and I tried to steal Cleopatra's obelisk from Central Park." "Remember that?" "But I couldn't use you and I in the story because we're not interesting, so I had to replace us with bandits." "Because bandits are far more interesting than normal people." "That make sense?" "I didn't know you wrote one about us." "Didn't you get a signed copy in the mail?" "Well, God damn it." "Remind me, and I'll resend you one." "Come on." "Let's get back out there and loosen up a little bit." "How's my breath?" "You should probably brush your teeth." "Thank you for always being so honest with me." "Okay." "It looks like our lion friend has found a gazelle." "I don't know who I identify with most... am I the predator, or am I the prey?" "Being here, I see a pure way of living." "America seems to me so very far away... a vile, putrid place that I never want to see again." "All right, now, guys, this is just a rough cut, but I just thought that, since I had you all together in one place," "I could get your notes and help raise a bit of awareness in the process." "You know, and that's why I've got some questionnaires for everyone to fill out afterwards." "Completely optional, of course." "I just want to stay here and hold you forever." "Who is that woman?" "That's my wife." "So she is." "Right." " Be right back." " Right, right." "My friend the chief has just offered me 30 head of cattle." "Lean, darling." "You're blocking the most brilliant..." "Τhat's a lot of cows." "What the...?" "!" "What the hell's the matter with you?" "!" "Have you gone out of your mind?" "!" "Maybe." "That stays on." "I've never been slapped before." "That hurt, kind of." "Oh, I'm sorry." "I didn't mean to do it quite so hard." "Well, you did." "What happened to your mustache?" " I shaved it off." " Why?" "'Cause you told me to." "What are you still doing here?" "The whole reason I wrote you the postcard was to avoid this from happening." "You know, well, maybe you shouldn't send postcards to people to notify them of heartbreaking news." "What exactly is your objective?" "It seems like I'm in the process of winning you back." "No!" "I am getting married in two days." "I am engaged." "I've always been engaged." "I never thought you were actually gonna go through with it." "What happened to our weekend in the city?" "We were supposed to be alone together." "What happened?" "Whit thought it would be nice to just schedule our wedding while he already had everyone here for his birthday weekend." "Hold on." "Nothing about that statement seems odd to you?" "Didn't you read anything I wrote?" "You know what?" "I can't believe you're actually considering this guy as a serious option for you." "He's screening his movie at his wedding reception?" "What kind of man are we dealing with here?" "Shh!" "You are being childish." "So are you." "Sam, please, save yourself the heartache and go home." "No." "No." "If you refuse not to complicate my life, the least you can do is introduce yourself to one of my bridesmaids." "I'm sure they're just as desperate as you to get their rocks off." "I meant that in the least offensive way possible." "And, Sam, stop standing on your toes." "I like you the way you were." " Sammy!" " Hey, guys." "Hey, how you feeling, pal?" "I feel fine." "Feel invigorated, actually." "Let's put a tiara on Sam." "Thank you." "You want some pills to go with that tiara, Princess?" " I'd love some." " Yes, you do." "We convinced this old boy to partake with us." "He's a marathon boy." "My heart feels like it's metal." "It's nice to see you loosening up a little bit there, pal." "Do it, do it, do it!" " All right, I'll show you, okay." "But I want to see every one of you out there dancing later." "Ready?" "Come on." "Ready?" "Two, three, four." "I'll take one less than he's had." "Help yourself, man." "On the house." "Drink lots of water." "It really helps." "Does it make you forget about things or what?" "They'll bring you up, and they'll take you down." "Pow." "See you next week, boy." "Â™ª Sept cent millions de chinois â™ª" "I feel amazing." "I feel like my body's being born again." "Marshall, what the hell happened to your shoes?" "I don't know." "I don't know." "Teddy took my shoes." "I don't know." "I don't know why he took my shoes, but he took my shoes." "Marshall, you're breathing all over me." "I know." "Â™ª C'est la vie, c'est la vie â™ª" "I actually..." "I've actually had a tapeworm." "I have." "Ask me how I got rid of it." "How did you get rid of it?" "I fasted for three days, and then I stuck a ham sandwich between my legs." "So I did it for a week, I did this, and I still had the tapeworm, and it was causing a lot..." "I wonder what the quickest way possible is to get another cigarette in my mouth." "That's the ticket." "Ahoy, marshmallow!" " Oh." "Hi." " Come here." " Your body is terrific." " I like your suit." "You're so sweaty." "Â™ª J'y pense et puis j'oublie â™ª â™ª C'est la vie, c'est la vie â™ª â™ª Trois cent millions de soviÃ©tiques â™ª" "Naughty." "You've been a naughty boy." " You're bad." " I know." "Ow." "Don't hit me." "Behave." "Why are you hitting me?" "Just touch me." "Ow!" "Stop it." "Â™ª C'est la vie, c'est la vie â™ª â™ª Cinquante millions de gens imparfaits â™ª â™ª Et moi, et moi, et moi â™ª â™ª Qui regardent Catherine Langeais â™ª" "Â™ª Ã€ la tÃ©lÃ©vision chez moi â™ª â™ª J'y pense et puis j'oublie â™ª â™ª C'est la vie, c'est la vie â™ª" "â™ª Neuf cent millions de crÃ¨ve la faim â™ª â™ª Et moi, et moi, et moi â™ª â™ª Avec mon rÃ©gime vÃ©gÃ©tarien â™ª" "â™ª Et tout le whisky que je m'envoi â™ª â™ª J'y pense et puis j'oublie â™ª" " Hi." " Hi." "You seem like trouble." "I'd like to get into some trouble." "How old are you?" "How old do I look?" "I think I'm a little old for you." "Well, I may be young, but I wasn't born yesterday." "I don't..." "I don't..." "I don't understand what you're trying to say." "Honestly, I took a pill, and I've been blacking out ever since." "Quick, make-believe I said something really funny." "Mmm." "Funny." "Why?" "I don't know." "I-I like you." "Â™ª C'est la vie, c'est la vie... â™ª" "Â™ª Ah... â™ª" "Come on." "Try it." "Oh!" "You, uh... you remind me of someone, and I really like it." "It's crazy out there, you know." "It's like, one minute you're just walking down the street minding your own business, and then, all of a sudden, there's a psychopath in a jumpsuit asking you for the time." "And then I'm waking up in a hospital bed in Lenox Hill with blood all over my sport coat." "Mmm." "What?" "No, I mean it." "You want to put your glasses on me?" "Mm-hmm." " You find me attractive like that?" " Mm-hmm." "Want to make out?" "Okay." "Really?" "Â™ª Oh, darling â™ª â™ª Make it go â™ª â™ª Make it go away... â™ª" "You have a beautiful face." "I think it'd be time for us to kiss now." "Hello, darling." "Bedtime." "Oh, no, we were in the middle of a conversation." "Hey." "Uh... oh, hi." "Have you guys seen my shoes?" "I have..." "I have these loafers." "They're..." "Uh..." "Okay, uh..." "Hi." "Hey." "Um, do you have...?" "Uh, do you know where I can find my shoes?" "Teddy, Teddy, I need my shoes." "Pow, pow, pow." "Your shoes are mine, boy!" "Okay." "Uh... my room is this way." "Oh, hello." "Is this where you dwell?" "Okay, it's hot." "Oh, that's better." " Am I gonna die?" " No, pal." "Here, have some cheese plate." "It'll slow your heart down." "Come on." "Get some food in your little tummy." "So, how'd it go with your lady?" "Who, Margaret?" "Went well, actually." "We had sex..." "twice, back-to-back." " In a row?" " Mm-hmm." "What's it like... to screw on pills?" "What do you say you and I forget about the pills from now on, huh?" "We don't need them." "How'd it go with your girl?" "Not that good." "I walked in on the blond maid in the closet crying." "And Esme... she's got, like, some sort of husband or something, apparently." "Don't you worry, pal." "You reacted perfectly." "You're so much better than her, it kills me." "You kill me." "Why do you think she's with him?" "Esme?" "I don't really know that much about her." "No, I mean Zoe and Whit." "Why do you think she's with him?" "Oh." "I bet it has something to do with her father." "My therapist says that a lot of things have to do with your father." "Marshall, you're so goddamn intuitive." "I'm sure it has something to do with her being an orphan." "I mean, it's probably damaged her judgment in some way." "And also, she just seems like the type of girl who, you know, likes to be taken care of, and Whit clearly does that." "He's a really good-looking guy, successful, tall." " Really?" " Yeah." "What, you think he's handsome?" "Yeah." "Marshall, your penis looks tremendous right now." "What?" "You have a tremendous penis, Marshall!" "Hello?" "Hi." "Um..." "I couldn't sleep." "I need you to take a bath." "There's no hot water." "Hey." "Pretend like it's a swimming pool." "Take the cheese plate." " Hey." " Hi." "Wasn't really expecting company." "The place is a bit of a pigsty." "Marshall is a bit of a slob." "Is he gonna be okay in there?" "Yeah, he's fine." "Marshall loves baths." "He's my little son." "He's my sidekick." "He was having a hard time with Esme." "Really?" "He was telling her something about how he got pistol-whipped." "Yeah." "I am staying in my sleeping bag, so don't get any ideas." "You and Margaret seemed to really hit it off." "Hmm?" "How'd it work out for the two of you?" "She was very responsive." "Oh." "Well, she better be." "She's had a lot of practice." "Yeah, she knew what she was doing." "You sound awfully jealous for a woman who's about to get married." "What's the deal, man?" "What's that?" "Is this a new one?" "Why didn't you send it to me?" "Because I'm still workshopping it." ""Chloe the Mermaid," huh?" "I can give you a brief synopsis if you'd like." "Would you like that?" " I would." " Okay." "Well, it's about a young deep-sea diver who's, uh, searching for pearls on the bottom of the ocean floor." "Anyway, our hero falls in love with this mermaid who is involved in a fraudulent, vapid relationship with a megalomaniacal, arguably gay merman... you know, complete sociopath." "The diver has to battle the merman for the mermaid's heart." "And, uh, there's a big fight scene at the end." "Not really sure how it all works out." "It's better than the one about the flying koala bear." "Yeah." "That's one of my worst ones." "What do you got there?" "What's with the legal pad and pencil?" "Well, they're supposed to be my vows, but they're all blank." "I have to write them, but I'm having some trouble." "Uh-huh." "I kind of need a writer's opinion." "Did you come all the way in here for me to work on your vows?" "Can you?" "Where do we start?" "That's where you come in." "Wow." "You're making a real dent, I see." "Okay." "Well, um..." "I don't know." "What... what do you like about him?" "Well, he's certainly not afraid to be himself." "That's for sure." "Uh-huh." "Yeah, I can see that." "For sure." "Okay." "Let's write that down." "He makes me feel safe and secure." "Mm-hmm." "Takes care of me." " He's handsome..." " Okay." " Successful." " Okay." "This is all great, by the way." "What else?" "He's very strong-willed." "Strong-willed... good word." "These are really good." "I mean, not afraid to be himself... clearly." "I mean, anybody who dances like that can't possibly be self-conscious." "Just completely uninhibited." "I've never seen a man dance like that before... without him being a woman." "This is not gonna help." "All right, maybe not right for the vows." "I'm just trying to be objective here." "And, I mean, honestly, as far as being safe and secure, look." "How can you not feel safe and secure with a guy like that?" "I mean, he's probably the only man in history to wear a turtleneck in Africa." "I like it." "Oh, it's too hot in here for this." "And as far as being strong-willed goes, that's great for you, because you could just turn off for the next 50 years, like a little robot..." "be taken care of." "Isn't that what you want?" "Now you're just being an ass, Sam." "Yes, I am." "I'm winning you back, goddamn it." "I missed you." "I know." "That's why I came." "I could feel it." "Just shut up." "Yeah, you know, if you could just be gone in the morning before I wake up, that would make things so much easier for me." "Well, who said I was trying to make things easy for you?" "You never stop talking, do you?" "No, I don't." "Okay." "Â™ª If I'm so lost without a friend â™ª â™ª Tell me, who's this by my side?" "Â™ª â™ª This girl with eyes like gems... â™ª" "What are you doing?" "You looked so peaceful, I was gonna let you sleep more." "Boy." "We had a crazy night, didn't we, old sport?" "Well, what happened with Zoe last night?" "What about it?" "I mean, why was she in your room instead of with her soon-to-be husband?" "You want to know the truth, Marshall?" "Yeah." "I want to know the truth." "To make a long story short, she's not sure she wants to marry this asshole after all." "Seriously?" "Seriously." "She's saying she's thinking about calling off the whole frickin' wedding." "God, she's a very complicated woman, Marshall." "Yeah, it seems that way." "Buddy, I know this is the last thing you need." "I would not have ever come down here in the first place if I knew she was gonna go nuts on me like this." "That's okay." "At least we can leave now, right?" "I can't." "Why not?" "Because I have to stay here until she figures this whole thing out." "I'm all she has." "She's all alone in the world." "You know, who's she gonna talk to..." "Uncle Teddy?" "In the meantime, why don't you go take a power nap?" "I'll go downstairs and have them whip you up some eggs." "Still like your yolks cut out?" "You look like a little prince right now, by the way." "I love you." "Â™ª La, la, la, la, la, la, lies â™ª â™ª You can't repeat what you put 'round â™ª â™ª All the things that made me cry â™ª" "Hey there." "Um, good morning." "Who would I speak to about getting some... getting maybe getting some eggs?" "Um... one minute." "Oh!" "Â™ª I've got my girl and together we're strong â™ª â™ª Strong â™ª â™ª To laugh at you and prove you wrong â™ª" "Â™ª I don't insist that you feel bad â™ª â™ª I just want to make you smile â™ª â™ª Don't ever think you... â™ª" "Morning, gang!" "Is this the cool section?" "Hi." "Is it morning already?" "Wow." "It just sneaks up on you." "You sleep at all, pal?" "Perfect amount." "How about you?" "No, not one bit." "I've been working on this all night." "Check it out." "It's a cock." "I know, Teddy." "How exactly do you know this Sam character, anyway?" "It all seems a bit mysterious." "I-I was in New York." "I bumped into him." "He's a writer." "He sends me his stories, and..." "I give him notes." "Gives me something to do." "You totally fucked him, didn't you?" "He's a bit young, dear." "No." "No, we're friends." "We're pen pals." "If you want to know how the sex is, I think you got to ask Margaret." "Hmm?" " Shut up." " What?" "You complete old slag!" "Well, come on, then, tell us." "Was he any good?" "Well, if... if holding him while he wept because some girl broke his heart is good, then, um... yeah, it was great." "Best I've ever had." "Wow." "Yeah, he's, um..." "he's an intense young man." "Very emotional." " Hi, girls." "Good morning." " Good morning." " Morning." " Still here, are we?" "Good morning." "I made you a little present." "Here." "If I would've known you were getting married," "I would've gotten you something like a blender or a set of knives, but that'll do." "Look, Zo, it's got your name on it." "Yeah, it does." "Thank you." " Hey, there." " Hmm?" "We had a fun night last night, didn't we?" "We did." "How are you feeling?" "Better, thanks." "Seriously, who are you, and why are you here?" "Wouldn't you like to know?" "Enjoying your breakfast, you snakes in the grass?" "If you're gonna film me waking up in the morning, you should wake up before me." "It's not brain science." "Discuss it with Spider." "I'm done." "God, look at this table of gorgeous ladies." " Morning, darling." " Lady of the house." "Big Sam." "Hey, morning, Teddy." "You look rested." "I made this for your wedding." "It's your portrait." "It's a big skinny penis with balls." "I spent a lot of time on it." "Nice shorts, pal." " Oh, that's funny." " Oh..." "I think he likes me." "Finally." "Where were you last night?" "Oh, I couldn't sleep." "I worked on my vows." "Come here." "What is that hideous thing around your neck?" "It's a wedding present from Sam." "Look." "Isn't that pretty?" "Yours is in the mail, slick." "Sam." "Why don't you come and take a ride with me down the beach?" "Looks like Teddy blew off all the fireworks last night, and we need some more for the reception." "Come on." "It'll be fun." "Okay." " Don't go." " Yep." "Have fun." "Give it to me." "Right here, right here." "Hi." "You okay?" "Hey!" "You know, Zoe left one of your stories lying around the house, and I finally had a chance to read it... the one about the koala bear in the Central Park Zoo." "Really?" "Why would you do that?" "You know, Sam, you're not half bad." "Your writing has a lot of character." "I will say, though, that that adorable koala bear got kind of annoying, with the whingeing and the moaning, and I'm not sure it's a good story for children." "Well, you're not exactly my target demo, but I take that as a compliment." "Are you as much a romantic in your real life as you are in your work?" "I certainly try." "I consider myself a realist, more concerned with the human condition." "I'm sure you can tell that from my body of work." "It's..." "It's a bit lbsenesque, I suppose." "Anyway, I admire that quality in your writing." "Although I've never really been much of a reader." "All Zoe does is read." "All day, all night, she'll read anything you put in front of her." "It's quite sweet, really." "It's why... it's why she likes someone like you." "Because I'm working so much of the time, it's difficult for me to cater to all of Zoe's interests." "That's our Zoe, isn't it?" "She's mad!" "She decides she wants to learn tennis, she learns tennis!" "She goes to all the matches, practices every day, she develops a nice backhand." "Her goddamn instructor moved in with us one summer." "And then one day, she decides tennis is a dull sport, a game for spoiled aristocrats, and she wants nothing more to do with it." "Last summer, it was dragonflies." "She was obsessed with the things." "Studied them, painted them, took courses on them, and then one day, poof." "No more dragonflies." "Yeah, I didn't even know she liked dragonflies." "Well, she doesn't, Sam." "Not anymore." "It's okay, just hold still." "All done." "Sam tell you a lot about me?" "Well, I mean, Sam and I are pretty much brothers, so... he tells me practically everything." "I hope not." "You know, I'm not sure that Sam ever told me the whole story of how you two met." "Uh, I was, um..." "I was in New York with Whit, the premiere of his film." "I think it was "A Tale of Two Villages."" "And we got into a terrible fight at the Ziegfeld, and I stormed out of the theater into the pouring rain." "I was a mess." "And suddenly the rain stopped hitting me." "I looked up and it was Sam, without an umbrella holding a copy of The New York Observer over my head." "Guess it must have been a Wednesday." "I guess so." "We spent the entire night together." "When it came time to say our good-byes... he asked me to be his pen pal." "Sure enough, two weeks later," "I receive this epic 10-page letter from Sam." "And I made the mistake of writing him back." "Sorry." "What am I talking about?" "So, what was the plan?" "He was gonna..." "come all the way out here and propose to me in front of everyone?" "I-I don't know." "That is so stupid." "I guess that's why he brought the ring, right?" "He brought a ring?" "Zoe left me once." "Did you know that?" "No." "I had no idea." "Of course you didn't." "No one does." "She's very good at keeping secrets, isn't she?" "Yeah, apparently." "Who was the guy?" "He was some songwriter." "Played the tambourine or something." "What did you do?" "I let her leave." "Now, what would you have done, Sam, if you were me?" "If I were you I'd have gone after her." "I guess I just don't feel the need to chase girls around the schoolyard anymore." "She came back, didn't she?" "Of course she did." "She always does." "Well, do you want to get back and get those fireworks, or...?" "Huh?" "Oh, don't worry about that." "I'll send an intern or something." "Tell me, Sam, have you ever had a lime Rickey?" "All right, all right, line up, you gorgeous people." "Every year for my birthday, we throw a paper chase." "You all know the rules." "First team to gather up as many little pieces of paper as you can wins the race, and you get to kiss a pretty girl." "And you all stand a chance this year, 'cause I pulled a hammy when I was chasing an impala back in the bush." "All right, may the best team win." "You promised me we were leaving." "I already packed up the car." "We are gonna leave, just as soon as we win this race, or whatever the hell it is." "Sam, I can't participate in a three-legged race when my foot is like this." "What happened to your foot?" "I stepped on a martini glass." "Well, why would you do that?" "Conditions are rough this year, but thanks for playing." "It keeps it fun." "All right, someone take this." "All right, Zoe, let's get this going." "We need to hit a rhythm, Marshall." "I can't hit a rhythm when my foot is bleeding, Sam." "Come on, as many as you can." "Here, put them all in the basket." "Everything you get, put in the basket." "Come on, Marshall, keep up with me." "We got to beat Whit and his African." "You all right, Sam?" "Doing great!" "Can't run with the big dogs and piss with the puppies." "It looks like we're doing all right." "Come on, hurry up!" "I don't understand the point of this game." "No, I don't either, dear." "Never mind, eh?" "Come on, Whit!" "Here we go, just get all the little papers you can get." "Thank you." "If you could please leave our area, Whit!" "Babe, I think I'm winning!" "This is the stupidest game I've ever seen." "Quit trying to be quick when my foot is bleeding." "This is our area right here." " Ow!" " Marshall!" "I don't even get what the point of this game is!" "Marshall, I have no idea what the point of the game is, but I think we're in the lead by half a basket." " You're a liar." " Oh, Marshall, pick up your skirt." " Wait, what?" " You're a liar." "You lied to me." "About what?" "The only reason we went on this vacation is 'cause you're completely in love with that lady." " Admit it!" " Marshall, shh!" " Zoe told me everything herself." " Shh, shh!" " You lied to her about the postcard." " Okay, okay." "And you lied to me about wanting to be a good friend." "Marshall, okay, I understand how this may seem, and you're right, I haven't been completely honest with you, but you got to understand, it's very complicated right now." "Whit..." "Whit just told me that Zoe left him once." "She left him once, and she'll leave him again, okay?" "The man is threatened by me, I can tell." "Look at him, he's practically running scared." "I love this game!" "I'm a machine!" "Marshall, this man is playing mind games with me." "I am at war with this man right now, okay?" "You cannot let him tear us apart." "We are on the same team, pal." "No, we're not." "We were never on the same team." "You just gaslighted me because you knew that no one else would ever be a part of this." " Shh!" " And because I have a car." "And now I have a martini glass in my foot, and you have yet to apologize!" "Marshall, Jesus Christ, what are you doing with your knife?" "Marshall, don't quit." "Marshall, that's your birthday present." "What are you doing?" "No, it's not." "It's Noah Bressman's." "Okay, pal." "Don't worry, I'm gonna win this goddamn race for you, okay?" "Take care of that foot." "I'll meet you back later." "I'm getting my shoes back, okay?" "Oh, God, yeah, look at all this." "Â™ª It don't come easy â™ª" "Come on, Sam, you can't play alone!" "You're up for disqualification!" "Disqualification!" "Â™ª It don't come easy â™ª" "Here we go." "Â™ª You know it don't come easy â™ª" "Game's not over yet, Marshall!" "Come on, mate!" "Â™ª Got to pay your dues if you want to sing the blues â™ª â™ª And you know it don't come easy â™ª â™ª You don't have to shout or leap about â™ª" "â™ª You can even play them easy â™ª â™ª Forget about... â™ª" "Hi, Marshmallow." "Your foot is bleeding." "Yeah." "Um, do you know where Teddy is?" "I need to find him so I can get my shoes." "Oh, well, you can sit here with us." "We're just... we're putting shells in the colander." "No, that's okay, I think I'd like to find Teddy so I can get my shoes and get out of here." "Okay, well, he was right over there." "He went to go find dolphins." "Okay, uh..." "I don't see him anywhere." "You sure you don't want to help?" "We could always use an extra set of paws." "No." "Â™ª Open up your heart â™ª â™ª Come together â™ª" "Hey!" "Hey!" "Get some help!" "Teddy!" "Teddy!" "I got you!" "I got you!" "I got him!" "Help!" "Help!" "Teddy!" "Teddy, wake up!" "Teddy!" "Help!" "Teddy!" "All right, Marshall, stand aside!" "We've got it!" "Teddy!" "Help him!" "Help him!" " Get him up!" "Get him up!" " He's not breathing!" "Give him some space!" "Back off!" "I saved him." "I saved his life." " What are you staring at?" "!" " Breathe for me, Teddy." "Call an ambulance!" "Teddy!" " Come on, Teddy, please!" " One, two, three, four." "Teddy!" "Come on, Teddy!" "Teddy, please!" "Please, Teddy!" "Not today." " Come on, Teddy, come on." " Teddy!" "Yeah, mate, get it all out." "Spit it up, spit it up." "That's it, that's it." "Turn him over." "Teddy!" "All right, everyone, he's all right, he's all right." "Did I go under?" "That's our man." "He's all right." "Yes!" "Yes!" "You can't do that!" " Let's go, eh?" " I'm okay." "Come on, love, let me take care of him." " All right, let's go." " God damn you, Teddy!" "Up, up, up, up, up." "I did it, everybody!" "I did it!" "I'm alive!" "Thank you all for your help." "You've all been real stars." "Drama's over." "Are you okay?" "Stop it, Sam!" "Are you mad at me?" "It's not about you, Sam." "It's all right." "It's all right." "It's gonna be all right." "Come on, love." "Come on, my love." "I'm sorry." "It's all right." "You have nothing to be sorry about." "I'm sorry." "It's all right." "No, no, no, Marshall, you can't leave!" "I need you here!" "I am going home." "These people..." "these are bad people, Sam." "They're irresponsible." "They're like..." "they're like babies with money." "Marshall, I apologize that I made you do the paper chase with your bad foot, but I honestly thought we had a shot at winning the thing." "We never had a shot, Sam, and I-I can't just stand by and watch you do this to yourself anymore." "I'm not gonna be a supporting character in your pathetic little story." "It's unoriginal." "You are not Holden Crawford." "All right, first of all, it's Holden..." "Marshall, please, don't use metaphors with me right now." "Please, okay?" "You... you are a bad man." "You are." "You're a bad person." "You came here to ruin a poor woman's marriage, and you preyed upon a broken man and your former best friend in the process." "Oh, my God, Marshall!" "And you had no right to do that!" "You had no right!" "Marshall, shut up!" "Shut up!" "I am sick and tired of hearing about your misfortune." "And the way you decide to divulge this information to anybody who's willing to listen..." "it's depressing." "What is that supposed to mean?" "Marshall, you got pistol-whipped... once." "I'm sorry it happened, and it's a shame, but it happens to somebody new every day, and they move on with their lives." "You complain!" "I was assaulted!" "A man came at me from behind with a gun and beat me, and then stole all of my money!" "That's what I mean..." "it's always a new excuse to not move out of your parents' house, to not get a new job." "Marshall, don't you realize you should be thanking me right now?" "I took you on an adventure." "Do you think that these people care about you?" "I don't care." "You have nothing to offer them, Sam!" "You're just a mistress!" "And if you had just come to me and told me your feelings," "I would've listened to you, and I would've told you you were a fool." "But, instead, you decided to use and to lie to me." "And that's just sick and disgusting!" "I'm your best friend!" "Oh." "And this, Sam." "You think this is really gonna impress her?" "Give that back." "You're young, you're poor, and, honestly, you're a shitty writer." "Yeah?" "I used to look up to you." "Marshall, you're a year and a half older than me." "Shut up." "My God, Sam, what happened to your face?" "I fell down the stairs." "We should have the paramedics take a look at you if they're still here." "Your nose looks crooked." "No, it's fine." "It's always been like that." "All right, come on." " All right." " Thanks." "So the gents are off to the woods for the night." "It's a 200-year-old tradition for the men in my family to sleep under the stars before a wedding." " Oh." " You should come." "Oh, no." "That... that sounds great, Whit." "I think I'm just gonna stay here and hold down the fort." "Come on." "I'll let you shoot my gun." "Yeah, I'd love to shoot your gun, trust me, but I'm just gonna keep it close, battle the elements here." "So Big Sam has bravely offered to stay back and look after our women." "Let's go, men." "Â™ª Up spoke the captain of our gallant ship â™ª â™ª And a fine old man was he â™ª" "I'm pretty sure he doesn't even think you're that funny, which I happen to find to be one of your best qualities." "The man also admitted to me out loud that he hates reading." "And I know you think I'm young and irrational, and I am in some ways, but at least I appreciate you for your best qualities." "You know, I-I made some terrible mistakes, and I probably alienated the majority of people who were close to me, but I did that because I love you." "And that's what love is, isn't it?" "You could just give me a chance." "At least where we could live together for an extended period of time, where I could make some money and buy you things, and we could develop hobbies together." "I could very easily spend the rest of my life with you." "And I know you feel the same way." "I could be the father of your children." "I should be the father of your children." "There should be half of me in your children." "Who are you talking to, Sam?" "It's 6:00 in the morning." "Oh." "I was talking to you." "How long were you, uh...?" "You want to go for a walk?" "You want to marry me?" "I never had a chance to thank Marshall for saving Teddy's life." "Will you tell him for me when you see him?" "I don't think we'll be seeing each other for quite a while." "Did I cause all this?" "No." "I mean, yes." "Technically, it is your fault." "But I think I'm mostly to blame, you know." "I'm sorry I snapped at you earlier on the beach." "I was just a little emotional." "I'm sorry for being so insensitive about your brother almost dying." "Did you and Whit have a nice buggy ride?" "Whit told me you used to like dragonflies." "I never knew that about you." "I loved them." "That was just a phase." "Everyone has phases." "I don't." "When I love something, I stick with it." " I'm a very convicted person." " Hmm." "I don't just throw things away whenever I lose interest." "That's a very admirable trait, Sam." "You know, you don't have to marry this guy, Zoe." "I'm too tall for you, Sam." "I'm serious." "Don't put yourself through this." "You don't understand." "I don't..." "I want to." "I don't believe you." "If you wanted to, you would've done it already." " There's a very good..." " I'm asking you..." "You haven't even written your vows yet." "Please, don't make this harder than it already is!" "Wh-why do you want to marry Whit?" "Give me one good reason..." "I'll leave." "It's not that easy." "Well, it should be!" "You used to tell me you didn't even believe in marriage." "Things change." "People grow up." " I've grown up." " Oh, you've grown up?" "Sneaking into my room in the middle of the night barefoot?" "You... go ahead." "I'm gonna ruin your wedding in front of everyone, that's it." "How are you gonna do that?" "I will tell Whit every single thing about us from the night in the rain until the..." "Whit knows." "What does that mean?" "Whit knows." "He's always known." "H-how?" "Because he's not an idiot." "I don't..." "I don't..." "I don't understand." "Why... why would he let me stay here?" "Because he loves me." "He trusts me." "Because you're not a real threat, Sam." "I am in love with you, and you love me!" "And that's it!" "This is love!" "That's not love!" "That is bullshit!" "Right?" "Answer me." "Are you in love with me, or am I just dragonflies?" "So that's it, then?" "I'm just a phase?" "I know all about your tambourine player." "So you just love everyone, huh?" "You just flit around and love everything without consequence?" "Wow, that's a big problem, Zoe!" "And Whit lets you get away with it?" "Shut up!" "Shut up!" "How did you see this ending?" "Quick, Sam." "Tell me your amazing plan." "What's our move?" "Should I go upstairs and pack a suitcase, jump into your friend's station wagon and run away with you to a one-bedroom apartment?" "I'm sure you can provide for the little ones and me with all the money you've made from your wildly successful children's stories." "Better yet, why don't we hop on a whale together and go live under the sea?" "I can see you really thought this through." "I can't be your mermaid, Sam." "I'm too selfish." "You mean "shellfish"?" "You're just a child." "Really, really cool." "Oh, my God." "Film that." "Right there." "The saddest boy alive." "Sammy." "Teddy." "You're here." "I'm here." "That would have been bad." "No, but I'm feeling a lot better, man." "The doctor said, you know, stay hydrated, so that's what I plan on doing." "Cheers." "How you doing?" "It's the lowest point of my life, actually." "Oh, come on, pal." "It ain't that bad." "No, it's pretty bad." "Look, Sammy." "I know it's hard, but, you know, from what I've heard, it's important to have perspective in these moments and just let it go, man." "Just let it..." "You know?" "You know, it's... it's easier said than done, though." "Yeah, that's... hey." "Look, pally, how old are you?" "I'm 23 and a half." "23?" "Just a baby." "Look at it like this." "In a couple years, that old sun's gonna burn out, and we're all gonna be dead." "And you're gonna be what, 27?" "Right?" "Now what, man?" "Teddy, you're being very profound right now." "Well, I'm sober." "You have a beer in your hand." "Come on." "Give these to Marshall." "Tell that boy thanks for saving my life, all right?" "He has such little feet." "Yeah, but he's strong." "All right, Teddy, I'll see ya." "Yeah, I'll see you, too." "Hey, Sammy." "Let's end this right, pal." "All right?" "Come on, man." "The good guys sometimes win." "I don't know how good I am, Teddy." "Yeah, but you're young." "And you're good, pally." "Actually, I really needed that." "Thank you." "Po-o-o-w." "Â™ª Mm, mm, mm â™ª â™ª It's carbon and monoxide â™ª â™ª The ol' Detroit perfume â™ª â™ª It hangs on the highways in the morning â™ª" "â™ª And it lays you down by noon â™ª â™ª Oh, papa hobo â™ª â™ª You can see that I'm dressed like a schoolboy â™ª â™ª But I feel like a clown â™ª" "â™ª It's a natural reaction â™ª â™ª I learned in this basketball town â™ª" "Oh, I forgot my vows." " Here, come on." "Let's go." " But there's nothing..." "They're perfect, Zoe." "Come on, let's go." "Â™ª Sweep up â™ª â™ª I been sweeping up the tips I've made â™ª" "â™ª I'm living on Gatorade â™ª â™ª Planning my getaway â™ª" "â™ª Detroit, Detroit â™ª â™ª Got a hell of a hockey team â™ª â™ª Got a left-handed way of making a man â™ª â™ª Sign up on that automotive dream â™ª" "â™ª Oh, yeah â™ª â™ª Oh, papa, papa hobo â™ª â™ª Could you slip me a ride?" "Â™ª â™ª Well, it's just after breakfast, I'm in the road â™ª â™ª And the weatherman lied â™ª â™ª Ooh, ah â™ª" "â™ª La, be, do, be, da â™ª â™ª Ba, ba, ba, ah, ah â™ª â™ª Ba, ba, ba â™ª" "â™ª Ooh, ooh, ooh â™ª â™ª Ba, ba, ba â™ª" "Hi." "Uh, my name is Marshall." "We met in the closet earlier." "We've been making eye contact all weekend." "You have a ladybug in your hair." "Um, anyway, I was just..." "Uh, thanks." "What happened back there?" "I, um... asked the sad maid for her phone number." "Did you really?" "What did she say?" "No." "It's her loss." "You find out why she's so sad all the time?" "No." "She, uh... she didn't speak English very well." "She's a real Ã‰ponine, isn't she?" "Hey..." "Look at me, buddy." "I'm really sorry that I haven't called you back in a year." "I've been a bit of an absentee best friend." "You're an asshole, Sam." "I know." "You've been a terrible and a cruel friend to me." "And you said things over these past few days that I don't think you can ever take back." "I know that." "And you've taken a lot of my money." "Marshall..." "I know." "And I'm sorry." "Just..." "I don't think I've been completely honest with myself." "I'm just a... joke." "I think I'd like to start seeing your therapist maybe." "I think that'd be a really good idea." "By the way, your hair looks fantastic." "Thank you." "So, uh, how'd it go with Zoe?" "Oh, I ruined her wedding." "You've written vows?" "Um..." "Yes, I... â™ª When I think of all the good times â™ª â™ª That I've wasted â™ª â™ª Having good times â™ª" "â™ª When I think of all the good time that's been wasted â™ª â™ª Having good times â™ª" "â™ª When I was drinking â™ª â™ª I should have been thinking â™ª" "It's all right, love." "Â™ª When I was fighting â™ª â™ª I could have done the right thing â™ª â™ª All of that boozin' â™ª â™ª I was really losin' â™ª" "â™ª Good times â™ª" "Yes, here we all are, having a jolly good time." "And everything is working out fine." "Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha." "Â™ª Useless talkin' â™ª â™ª All of that walking' â™ª â™ª All of my sinning' â™ª â™ª I could have been winning' â™ª" "â™ª I have it too easy â™ª â™ª And it's a beginning of good times â™ª" "â™ª Good times â™ª â™ª I said good times â™ª â™ª Talking 'bout good times â™ª"