"What time is it?" "What I do is I dig my fingers deep, deep into the back of your skull and scratch under the hair." "I get under the weave and really scratch it good." "That's for you right there." "This one right here, that's all yours too if you let me get that math." "Don't roll out." "Just let me get your math." "Just call me so I can have your number in my pager." "Ethiopian chick, nigga." "That shit stay wet." "Next in line, please." "Can I get a nonfat latte?" "Next in line, please." "Can I get a nonfat latte?" "Nigga, this is Gary Owens." "That's Gary Owens." "That's the nigga from..." " From, uh..." " It's Owen." "No "s."" "You know black folk." "We put an "s" on everything." "That's the nigga from "think like a man."" "That's the white dude-- The married dude." "Dude, you got a black wife, huh?" "Yeah." "Damn, nigga, that your daughter?" "Nah." "That's tootie from "facts of life" Kim fields." "Oh yeah!" "That's the girl with the overbite." "She had the overbite 'cause she had to pay for college." "I don't know about that." "Thought she was a dyke, but she's not." "Thought she was a dyke, but she's not." " You know who had the ass on that show?" " Blair." "Nah, nigga." "Mrs. Garrett had the ass on that show." " What?" "!" " Yes, Mrs. Garrett." "Harry Belafonte used to knock the bottom out that during the civil rights movement." "That's right, him and Jim brown." "Jim brown'd sit on her stomach." "Harry Belafonte'd sit on her face and tea-bag her and they'd titty-fuck her together." " How would you know that?" " I read it on niggapedia." " Is that a real book?" " Nah, it's a website." "50 cent had to take 'em down for distorted facts." "I got something that's gonna squash all that, though." "It's finning' to blow up too." "It's a network for the kids." "It's a network for the kids." "Okay?" "Educational." "What do you call it?" ""Nigga-lodean."" "What channel would that be on?" "It would be a public access show, but we're taking investors." "Hold on, I wanna make sure I got my story straight." "So you want to start a TV network, but right now you're working at a coffee shop." "Nigga, this is a marketing project for me for my network." "See, I been in the joint half my life, so I understand how niggas' minds work." "I'm trying to get into the minds of white folks." "That's gonna give me that crossover market." "Heard me?" "That's what I'm trying to see you do in your career." "You got niggas." "You got niggas locked down." "You got niggas." "You got niggas locked down." "But you ain't fucking with these white folks like I need to see." "Put a confederate flag on your shirt, you gonna pull out some of that foxworthy money." "If you had foxworthy money, you wouldn't have had to walk here." " So you were in prison." " Got my masters in there." " Ain't it obvious, man?" " Okay, listen, listen." "We've been friends our whole life." "This is my best friend." "We talk about this a lot." "If we went to prison, could we still hang out?" "Be cellies and stuff?" " You circumcised?" " What?" " Top or bottom?" " Come on, let's get out of here." "What's your social security number?" "What's that got to do with anything?" "Look, man." "Depends on the prison." "Look, man." "Depends on the prison." "Look, man, can I get my latte?" "We got to go." "Yeah, you really should go." "What's the supposed to mean?" "I ain't see no limousine waiting for you outside, so this nigga here must be the Butler." "Who's this nigga supposed to be?" "What, you forest Whitaker?" " Call me the Butler one more time." " My bad." "You the help?" "You know what?" "I got your help outside." "Watch him, nigga." "He ain't mad at his captor." "He's mad at me." "It's what I call the Samuel Jackson-django effect, nigga." "Security, get this nigga out my shop before I peek-a-boo his ass." "Nigga, you finning' to get the Joe budden." "Keep going." "Nigga, you finning' to get the Joe budden." "Keep going." "It's a coffee shop." "There's no security, dumb-ass." "Dumbass?" "Nigga, I ain't as dumb as your field negro." "Hey, listen, you are not my field negro." "If we was alive back then, you'd be a house negro." "You would be in the field." "How about that?" "!" "Okay, rush hour?" "!" "Let me tell you something, big homey." "Strength follows pain, weak follows instructions, but stupidity follows the herd, heard me?" "What does that mean?" "It don't matter what it means." "This nigga can't read no way." "I can't read?" "I can't read?" "Sayonara." "That's French, motherfucker." "Let's go to Starbucks." "They know how to treat people." "Ooh-woo!" "You gonna be killin' em tonight!" "Ooh, ooh, kill 'em." "You should tip me extra." "I did my thing today." "What about the Chinese dude in the background cosigning on all that "black knowledge"?" "You know what?" "I think they're selling weed out of that coffee shop." "You think?" "Heyo!" "Look who I brought wit' me." "Aaaah!" "Gary Owens!" "I told you he would be a star." "No, it's "Owen." No "s."" "No, it's "Owen." No "s."" "You crazy, Owens." "I like that shirt." "Tootie!" "Ooh, look at that fresh one!" "Oh, shiny!" "Tell your sister I'ma call her." "Uh, please don't." "That's you." "You got next, man." "You see that?" "Yeah!" "He does it nice." "Grab that, man." "Perfect timing, man." "I'm the fastest barber in the shop." "They call me "in n' out."" "Just like the burger spot." "He got a special tonight, man." "You gonna be a-okay, man." "We gonna hit you up real quick." "Yo, they got $8 oil changes." "I told you they was bringing that back." "I told you they was bringing that back." "Yo, we need" "He got the special going on tonight." "Oh, he got a special tonight." "Let me hit him up real quick." "I'm gonna hit you up." "Hey, have you ever seen an ass like this?" "!" "Yo!" "On instagram, straight flexing'." "Whoo!" "You need to get your screen fixed." " Gene..." " Yo?" "Yeah, that's right." "Yo." "Can't you see the man about business, man?" "He came here to get cut, you lookin' at pictures." "I'm sorry about that, Owens." "Hold on, man." "Hold on one sec." "Here she go." "Look, bro, here she go." "Look, bro," "I gotta go." "It's my baby mama." "I gotta pick up my daughter." "Sit right here." "I'ma get you when I get back." "In n out." "Y'all want something?" "Get me a blunt wrap." "Sticky bun, shasta!" " Did he really just leave?" " Yeah." "He says he's going to see baby mama," "I think he's going for baby back ribs." "But my man can take care of you right here." "We gonna get this going right now." "Yo, you got him next, right?" "Cool." "I got my special tonight." "I know." "Don't worry." "Just grab a seat." "How you doin'?" "I'm Gary." "I know who you are." "You're Gary Owens." ""Owen." No "s."" "You got a special you're taping tonight?" "You got a special you're taping tonight?" "Yeah, yeah." "I hope that shit is funny." "Your last one was on that bullshit." " What?" " Don't look at me like that." "I ain't no hater, but you ain't no carrot top or no Gallagher." "Get some red hair and some fruit, you be killing the game." "You go on stage with two apples" "Hey..." "Hey, listen, man," "I got that "3 guns,"." "The Barack years,"" "get that "think like a man 3," though." "Yo, speak of the devil." "Gary Owens?" "Gary Owens?" ""Owen." No "s."" "Can you sign this "think like a man 3"?" "Uh, we haven't made "think like a man 3."" "I beg to differ." "You on the box." "It's good." "You gave a good performance too." "Better than you did in the first one." "Listen, can you sign that for my baby girl?" "She got diabetes, man." " How old's your daughter?" " She's two." "How does a two-year-old have diabetes?" "You never know what they're putting in that breast milk." "Go ahead." "Appreciate that, man." "Yeah, praise god, man." "Listen, I got the autographed "think like a man 3."" "$10." "Who want it?" "$10." "Who want it?" " "Fast and furious 12."" " I got that in the trunk." "I coulda went to great clips." " How's your mom doing?" " My moms is good." "Thanks for asking." "Gene, I need to get my hair cut." "Yeah." "Hey, listen..." "Can you take care of my man?" "He's doing a special tonight and we gotta get out of here." "I got you." "How you want it?" "Just do 1 on the sides, fade it up, block in the back, and then on top just finger-length with some scissors." "Scissors?" "This nigga here, man!" "Goddamn." "Goddamn." "Scissors?" " What?" " Niggas don't use scissors." "Look, man, I'm just gonna put some gel in my hair." "I gotta get to my special." "I need everybody out of their seats right now!" "Please make some noise for the man of the hour." "Gary..." "Owen!" "Atlanta, what's up?" "Sit down." "Happy to be in Atlanta." "They asked me where I wanted to film it." "I said Atlanta." "'Cause I saw you guys finally made "the first 48."" "So I wanted to make sure I was here." "They tried to fake you and said "Cobb county."" "They tried to fake you and said "Cobb county."" "I tell you what, they need some new homicide detectives in Cobb county." "They can't catch nobody." "They can't get nobody to snitch in the Cobb." "'Cause the male detectives be on there" ""we know you did it." "Your homeboy snitched." "We got you on tape." "I don't give a fuck, officer."" "They need to get that black chick from Memphis down here-- Officer Mason." "She gets everybody to confess." "She be coming like an old relative." "She walks in the interrogation room" ""oh." "Oh, how you doin'?" ""Oh." "Oh, how you doin'?" "I just met you, but you a good man." "I can tell you a good man." "You got somethin' on your heart?" "You got somethin' on your heart?" "We all make mistakes, baby." "We all make mistakes." "No, you ain't gotta answer to me." "You gotta answer to god."" "I be all, "dang, she brought Jesus into this."" "I like Atlanta." "Atlanta's a big city." "But Georgia itself?" "You ever drive through Georgia?" "Not a lot to look at in Georgia." "Not a lot to look at in Atlanta, but on that highway going through Georgia, but on that highway going through Georgia, this is the whole drive through Georgia:" "Trees, trees, trees, waffle house." "Trees, trees, trees, waffle house." "Dang, you guys like trees and waffles." "Every now and then a cracker barrel'll pop up and fuck up the gang." "Oh shit, pancakes." "Pancakes." "Atlanta's got a lot of rappers too." "I like rap music." "I just can't keep up with a lot of the lyrics." "I like Drake a lot." "I like Drake a lot." "He's singing songs a lot of people shouldn't be singing." ""Started from the bottom now we're here."" "I was at a burger king a couple weeks ago" "I was at a burger king a couple weeks ago going through the drive-thru." "Dude working opened the window, that's all I heard was the song in the background." "He was singing it with passion." "He was like, "started from the bottom" " "I was like, "you work at burger king!"" "He ain't miss a beat." "He was like, "third shift, bitch."" "Rappers got an advantage over comedians." "A lot of comedians use their real names." "My real name is Gary Owen." "Look it up." "Google me." "That's my name" " Gary Owen." "A lot of rappers use fake names" "Like t.I., 50 cent?" "Not their real names." "Like t.I., 50 cent?" "Not their real names." "T.I. And 50 cent comes to Atlanta, sell out everywhere." "Let them dudes use their real names" ""Clifford" and "Curtis."" "See how many tickets that sells." ""Oh, shit." "Cliff's coming."" ""You goin' to see cliff?"" "I can't keep up with all the rap lyrics." "I can get the hooks." "I can't get the stuff in between." "The hooks, not in between." "Like..." "Like when I go to night clubs, you see me singing rap songs, you think I'm singing the song." "I'm not." "I'm saying the same shit all night." "I'm sitting in the corner and I'm saying "watermelon."" "I'm sitting in the corner and I'm saying "watermelon."" "It looks like I'm singing the song." "I be like, "watermelon..."" "Like, "damn, Gary's got bars!"" "I ain't said shit but "watermelon" for two hours." "I like this when I come to cities" "They be listening to old RB stations." "They be on there, "get ready, Atlanta." "This Friday night for the grown and sexy."" "No such thing." "No such thing." "You ever go to a night club that says "grown and sexy"" "on the radio advertisement, on the radio advertisement, you get there, ain't nothing but old and lonely in that bitch." "You see a bunch of hoes that'd have sucked Charlie Wilson's dick in '82." "♪ Hey girl, how you doin'?" "♪" "♪ My name-- ♪" ""I sucked yo' dick in '82, Charlie!" "You was at the state fair with teena Marie and cameo!"" ""I don't know you, bitch." "I was in the gap band dropping bombs on bitches."" "It's been a rough year last year, man." "One city I'm happy for is Boston." "One city I'm happy for is Boston." "I'm glad, uh-- 'cause Boston had a rough year last year." "You had the Aaron Hernandez case." "The football player?" "This dude was really wilding." "He killed his friend." "Then he said he killed two other dudes earlier last year then he said when he was in college, he killed, or shot, two other motherfuckers." "I'm not sure." "But it's funny because everyone watching a football game, they're like, "oh wow." "Watch out for this dude." "He's a killer on the field."" "Aaron Hernandez is probably, "look, there's only one killer on this field, all right?" "I mean, he hits hard, but he ain't no killer."" "Boston had the marathon bombings." "That messed me up right there." "The two brothers, they gonna kill a bunch of innocent people 'cause they want to get their agenda across, right?" "This is what got me about the whole Boston marathon bombings." "They had these two brothers that killed these people, cops find 'em-- Had a high-speed chase." "They kill one brother." "The other gets away." "They got the CIA, the FBI looking for him." "The dude hides out in the dude's backyard in his boat." "They couldn't find him, so dude goes back there to have a cigarette, and he found that dude in the back of his boat." "So the CIA and the FBI couldn't find him, so the CIA and the FBI couldn't find him, but duck dynasty found that motherfucker in his boat." "I guess the story is his neighbor called the night before and say, "you might want to check out your boat." "I heard some commotion last night and then I looked over the fence this morning," "I saw a little blood on the side of the boat."" "That dude went in his back yard, had his cigarette, saw the blood, they caught the dude, right?" "This is where that terrorist dude messed up." "He hid out in a suburban white neighborhood." "White people, we have a reputation of being nosy." "That's who we are." "It ain't changing anytime soon." "That's why he got caught." "Hid in the white neighborhood." "I swear to god, if he would have hid out in a black neighborhood," "I swear to god, if he would have hid out in a black neighborhood, that motherfucker might still be in that goddamn boat." "Can you see a black dude calling his neighbor?" ""Hey man, you might wanna check your boat."" ""Why you always in my motherfucking business, Charles?" "!" "You in my yard?" "!" "Lookin' over my fence, in my yard, at my boat, worry about your goddamn boat." "Oh, I forgot." "You ain't got a goddamn boat." "I oughta bust yo' ass, Charles." "Always in my business, man."" "I love football." "That's my favorite sport to watch." "I love when football season comes around." "I love when football season comes around." "I tell you what, I watch so much football." "I watch the combine." "I watch the draft." "When I watch the combine every year, they do the same thing." "They bring these guys in from college." "They see how far they can jump, how strong they are." "And then they interview 'em to find out if their mind's right to be on their team." "Like, if I owned a football team and I got a guy who's at the combine" "If I'm an owner, I'm gonna ask the guys a few questions to the positions, right?" "My quarterback, I want him to be from a two-parent home." "Went to private school in high school, something like that." "My defense, I'm gonna ask 'em one question:" "My defense, I'm gonna ask 'em one question:" ""You know who your daddy is?" "No."" ""We can choose you." "Okay, yeah." "You got a lot of shit to get off your chest, don't you, young man?"" "I'm gonna draft some big Southern motherfucker that grew up in, like, Savannah, Georgia" "Just mad that he never knew who dad was and mad that he grew up in Savannah, right?" "Just mad." "I'm gonna tell the coach, "you gotta talk to him." "He's not the brightest and don't know who his dad is." "So we gotta bring some of that aggression out."" "So right before the first game, "come here, young man." "Are you ready to play your first NFL game?"" "Are you ready to play your first NFL game?"" ""I think I'm ready, coach." "I've been practicing hard."" ""I heard you don't know who your dad is."" ""I never met my dad."" ""Guess what, young man?" "We found him." "We found your daddy!"" ""Are you fucking serious?" "Mm-hmm." "We flew him out today to see your first game." "We left tickets." "First row, 50-yd line right behind the bench." "When you go in the locker room and come out right before kickoff, the man sitting in that seat is your daddy!"" ""Are you fucking serious?"" ""Are you fucking serious?"" "He go in the locker room." "He gonna come back out right before kickoff he's gonna look. "Coach!" "Nobody's sitting in that seat!"" ""He ain't show up again!" "What you gonna do about it?" "!"" "He gonna run on the field." ""You forgot your helmet!"" ""I don't need a fucking helmet!"" "Shit!" "It's funny too." "I live in Ohio." "I'm an Ohio state resident." "Last year, during the election" "That wasn't an applause break." "That was just geographic-- where I live." "That wasn't an applause break." "That was just geographic-- where I live." "I live in Ohio, right?" "Last year, during the election," "I go to this big Barack Obama rally, right?" "Ohio is a swing state." "Whoever wins Ohio is gonna be the president." "So I'm at this big Barack Obama rally." "We're there watching results come in." "As soon as it came across the screen" "Barack had enough votes, he was gonna be the president" "The place went crazy." "Why did one brotha-- had me up in a corner like I wasn't supposed to be there?" "He was like, "we did it again!" "We did it again."" "We did it again."" ""Nah, we did it, motherfucker, together!"" ""Oh, you mad?" "You mad?"" ""No, motherfucker." "I'm here!"" "He wouldn't let it go. "Gary, what you really know about Barack?" "What you really know about him?"" ""What are you talking about?" "What you really know about him?"" ""Actually, sir, I have more in common with Barack than you."" ""How do you figure?"" ""We both got white moms and black wives, motherfucker." "What?"" ""Okay, you got me on that one." "I see that." "All right."" ""Okay, you got me on that one." "I see that." "All right."" "I had another buddy call me when Barack won, he's like," ""I'm so glad Barack won but I'm so happy Michelle's back in office."" "I will say this about Michelle Obama:" "Just in my opinion, I think she's the prettiest first lady this country has ever had." "'Cause she is easy on the eyes." "Whoo!" "You ever see Martha Washington?" "Man!" "We have stepped up in first ladies." "My buddy called me." "He's like, "Gary, man," "I'm so glad Michelle's our first lady." "'Cause she is a ride or die chick."" ""Why you say that?"" ""She got with Barack after college" ""she got with Barack after college when he didn't have no job, no money."" ""Dude, let's put it into perspective, okay?" "Barack graduated Harvard law." "He was gonna get a job somewhere, okay?"" "Somebody was gonna hire his ass." "It's not like Michelle married James, university of Phoenix." "That's a ride or die chick." "That's somebody that saw something in James nobody saw." ""I think you could be president, James."" ""You think I could do it?" "You could do that shit!"" ""I'ma do it, Michelle." "I'ma do it." "I'm gonna get my masters from Everest." "We going to the top, baby." "We going to the top, baby." "We goin' to the top of Everest." "You do that shit, James!"" "I tell you." "It's funny to me when I'm on the road." "I expect to get booked in the United States." "I'm always shocked when I get booked overseas." "I'll tell you a story." "Last summer," "I get booked in Jamaica." "I've never been to Jamaica." "I get booked by Jamaicans." "So I got booked in this little city called ocho rios." "I've never been to ocho rios, so I find out there's no airport in ocho rios." "You've got to fly into montego bay and catch a car." "And catch a car." "You've got to drive about two hours to get to ocho rios." "When I found that out, I got online and I reserved a limousine to take me from montego bay to ocho rios." "Now what I didn't know is that Jamaican limousines are quite different than Georgia limousines." "I get off the plane, some bitch pulls up in a kia with "limo" written in sharpie on the side." ""That's not what I ordered." "I ordered a limousine." "You got a goat in the back seat." "What's up with the goat?" "I ain't paying' for the goat." "That's extra." "I ain't paying for the goat."" "So I had to get to my show, right?" "I get in the kia." "We riding." "I get in the kia." "We riding." "We get to my resort." "I'm booked in this resort." "It's a private resort." "There's a private beach on it." "I go up to my room." "It's about 4:00." "I open the curtains." "They got me a big-ass suite." "I'm right on the water." "I look out." "There's nobody." "Oh, this a private beach." "I put on my swim trunks and run out to the beach." "I'm gonna relax on the beach by myself, get my thoughts together." "I'm on the beach less than five minutes three Jamaican dudes come out of nowhere trying to sell me pot." ""Buy it, big man, buy it."" ""First of all, where did you come from?" "Nobody's on the beach."" "These motherfuckers was in the sand and came out." "These motherfuckers was in the sand and came out." ""Were you in the sand?" "!"" "So I bought the pot." "I did." "I bought it." "I did." "I had never smoked pot before that day, haven't smoked it since, I but I figured "I'm in Jamaica." "That's what you do in Jamaica, you smoke pot."" "I've never been to a whorehouse either, but I go to a whorehouse?" "I'm probably gonna fuck a whore." "That's what you do at a whorehouse." "I've never been, I haven't, but if I go to a whorehouse, watch." "If you ever see me at a whorehouse, don't be like, "gar', what are you doing here?"" "don't be like, "gar', what are you doing here?"" ""I'm fucking whores!" "What are you doing here, dumb-ass?" "I ain't come for the salad, bitch."" "All right, let me get back to Jamaica." "I got sidetracked." "Sorry about that." "So..." "All right, let's fast-forward." "It's midnight." "My show's over." "Show went great." "I'm there." "I'm with my buddy Brad." "Me and Brad are partying." ""Gary, let's go out." "Let's see what ocho rios is about."" ""Shit, let's go."" "We call a cab." "I kid you not." "That same sonn'bitch that picked me up in that kia limo pulled up in the same car." "He erased "limo" and wrote "taxi" on it." "Same fucking car." "Same fucking car." ""Hey, man, that's the same car!"" ""No, man." "It's a limo till 8:00." "At 8:01, it becomes taxi." I was like..." "Listen, if you ever go to ocho rios, everyone's gonna tell you there's this little tourist bar called "margaritaville."" "It's a cool little bar." "Margaritaville's closed on Tuesdays." "Only night it's closed is on Tuesday we happened to be there on a Tuesday night." "So my taxi/limo driver took me and Brad up into the hills to a place called "shades."" "Now shades is a strip club." "We didn't know it was a strip club till we got there." "We show up." "There's no sign." "There's no windows." "It's just a wall with a steel door it's just a wall with a steel door that doesn't open, it slides." "Steel." "It doesn't open, it slides." "So me and Brad knock on the steel door," "Jamaican dude slides it open, we took one step in and he slid it back." "I looked at Brad and said, "this might be a bad idea."" "Yeah, that was steel." "You ever see the movie 'hostel'?" "Same shit, so..." "Yeah, if we separate, I'm out." "Not trying to find you." "I'm gone." "Come on, Brad." "Link up." "Red rover this shit." "Stay together."" "So..." "When you go into shades, the ladies here take your money, and then there's about 50 steps going down, and then there's about 50 steps going down, but you don't know where the steps are going." "We're walking down the steps we hit the bottom step, biggest strip club I've ever seen in my life. 25-30 poles, about 45-50 strippers, and then I notice the strippers, they weren't just dancing, no," "they were doing each other." "They was going at it." "I was like, "yo!" "I think we're gonna stay for a little bit."" "Two red stripes, mon." "Thank you very much."" "So I'm watching the girls do their thing and I'm enjoying the show." "So I'm watching the girls do their thing and I'm enjoying the show." "I notice one by one, all the girls start to leave the stage." "They were all leaving." "Pretty soon, it was empty." "No strippers left." "There was nobody out there." "Then all the lights went out." "Place just went dark." "Ain't nothing will sober your ass up quicker than being in a strip club in Jamaica and all the lights go out." "My hand just went to my wallet." ""I ain't that fucked up!"" ""Shit!"" "It was only dark for a few seconds." "Then one spotlight hit the stage then one spotlight hit the stage and this girl came out the back" "I'm talking 6'2 ", 6'3", big titties, big ass." "She came walking out real slow." "When she came out, the Jamaican dudes went nuts." "They was like, "buck, buck, buck!" "Buck, buck, buck!"" "I look at Brad-- "who the fuck is buck?" "!" "Is young buck here?" "Is he performing?" "Sweet." "We're gonna see a rap show."" "So..." "So the girl's on stage, she's doing her thing." "About 20 minutes later, this midget comes out." "A man midget." "A dude." "And the dude ran over to the stage." "When he came out, the Jamaican dudes went nuts." "When he came out, the Jamaican dudes went nuts." "They was like, "irie, man, irie!" "Buck, buck, buck, irie!" "I looked at Brad-- "I think the midget's name is 'buck irie.' that's what we've been waiting on, okay."" "So right now I'm in the front row." "I'm watching the girl 'cause she's naked." "I can see buck in my peripheral running around the stage." "Pretty soon I lost him." ""Where did buck go?"" "I couldn't find buck no more." "The girl was in front of me." "She did half a tootsie roll." "She was like, "uhhhhh."" "When she opened up her legs, buck was standing behind her." "And he was so short, we made eye contact." ""There you are, buck." "What the fuck?"" ""There you are, buck." "What the fuck?"" "So then the girl did a full tootsie roll." "She was like, "uhhh," boom, and locked him in like a lego." "The motherfucker was snapped between her." "It was like they were made for each other." "He fit perfect." "So now buck's just stuck." "So all's he's gotta do is raise up about half an inch-- lift his head up, he could handle his business." "That's what he did." "He's like, "sic, sic, ahh!"" "I was like, "what the fuck am I watching?" "!"" "So buck's handling it." "Buck backed up, sat down, started to take off his pants." "I had a girl on my lap." ""Get off me, bitch!" "I had a girl on my lap." ""Get off me, bitch!" "I wanna see this shit!"" "I ain't gay, but how many times in your life you gonna see a midget's dick, honestly?" "I just wanna know." "Do they have a man dick or a midget dick?" "I ain't gay." "I just wanna know." "Check it off my bucket list, bitch." "So anyways..." "Buck dropped his pants and his dick fell below his knee!" "But his knee was way up here!" "So I don't know if it was big, but it was proportional." "So I don't know if it was big, but it was proportional." "Then buck gets on top." "He gets on top of this chick and he starts killing it, killing it." "I'm like, "dude, I can't be watching this." "This is weird, man." "I'm watching a midget bang a 6'3" chick." "I stayed for 45 minutes and then I left." "I didn't stay for an hour." "Hour makes me a pervert." "45 minutes makes me curious." "Don't get it twisted." "I ain't no pervert." "I was curious." "It's been a good year for me." "I can't complain." "I celebrated 10 years of marriage this year." "Me and my wife's made it 10 years." "Me and my wife's made it 10 years." "A lot of people know my wife's a black lady." "She's a black lady." "My wife's black for real." "She's black." "She's black for real." "My wife's from Oakland, grew up in the inner-city." "Dad was in the black panthers." "I was like, "fuck it." "If I'm going black," "I'm in it to win it." "Fuck the bullshit."" "I'm going all the way black." "We had our kids first, and then we got married." "Yes." "Got to do it right." "There's a few white people didn't get that joke." "Tap a black guy next to you." "He'll explain it." ""I didn't get that one." "Didn't understand that one." "How many kids you got?" "I got two kids, 17 and 14."" ""How long you been married?" "Four years."" "That's my baby, man." "That's my baby!" "White guys, when we get married, we stress over shit." ""Oh my god." "I got four nephews." "Who's gonna be the ring-bearer?" "I don't want to piss anybody off."" "I don't want to piss anybody off."" "Black guys ain't worried." ""Who gonna be the ring-bearer?"" ""My son, motherfucker." "Who you think?"" ""Shit, I forgot about junior." "He's getting big." "What is he, 12 now?" "He still hooping?" "That's a big kid." "He got size 12 shoes." "That motherfucker's big."" "It's funny." "When you get married, your wedding day's supposed to be this great memory." ""Oh, it was such a good time on my wedding day."" "I tell you my wedding day was literally one of the worst days of my life." "One of the worst." "I'll tell you why, man." "We got married in Oakland." "We were supposed to get married at 3:00." "We were supposed to get married at 3:00." "I got to the church about 3:05 when I get to the church, I see the preacher walking out the back." ""Where's he going?" I thought he was getting some gum or something." "He'll be right back." "No, he left." "Rolled." "Later, I found out. "I don't do weddings that don't start on time."" "So when I walked out to the front of the church, a dude named Melvin was presiding over the service." "Melvin's not a minister." "Melvin works for ups." "I knew Melvin didn't know the wedding vows 'cause I was hearing shit I never heard before." "Melvin just sitting there-- "okay..." "Right, um..." "Okay, a chair is just a chair." "Okay, a chair is just a chair." "Even when no one's there." "But a house is not a home--"" ""are you quoting a Luther song?" ""I'm doing my best."" "We get done with the church part." "We go to the reception hall." "On my life, I'm not lying." "The bakery dropped our cake." "We had a five-tier cake." "The lady tripped and four tiers fell off, so we just had the sheet." "So now my wife's crying and I'm thinking, "shoot, I'm coming up." "I ain't paying for the church or the cake." "Fuck a cake." "I don't need no goddamn cake."" "I gave my brother $100." "He went to the grocery store," "I gave my brother $100." "He went to the grocery store, came back with 300 oatmeal cream pies." "I felt like Oprah." ""You get a pie!" "You get a pie!" "You get a pie!"" ""Damn, Gary giving' out pies?"" ""Hey, it's my wedding day." "Sometimes you gotta ball out."" ""Everybody got a pie at my wedding."" "So we get to the church, then we get to the cake fiasco." "Now everybody's back to having a good time at the wedding." "I kid you not." "I'm not lying." "As the reception was coming to an end, my step-dad and brother got into a fistfight, my step-dad and brother got into a fistfight, throwing down on the dance floor." "Keep in mind, we're in Oakland, California." "We got 250 on my wife's side." "About 50 from my side came out from Ohio." "So what you have is you have 250 black people and 50 white people and two white guys get in a fight." "What are the chances of that shit happening?" "As they're fighting," "I looked at my wife's side, "fellas, you're not gonna help?"" ""We don't know them motherfuckers, man."" ""I gave you pies, bro."" "When the fight happened," "I saw a side of my wife I'd never seen up until that point." "Up to that day, I'd never seen my wife curse, up to that day, I'd never seen my wife curse, never seen her raise her voice, but she went off on my step-dad like I'd never seen." "My step-dad started the fight." "He threw the first punch." "My wife goes and smacks him on the side of the head." "He was like, "you don't understand."" ""No, you don't understand, motherfucker." "You ain't in Cincinnati!" "You in Oakland now, bitch!"" "I was like, "who are you and where's my wife?"" "I looked at my brothers, "like I can't break up if I want to now." "Shit." "I can't get a divorce." "I'm scared to ask."" ""I want a divorce." "We ain't gettin' no goddamn divorce."" ""You right." "We ain't." "I don't know what I was thinking." "I'm sorry about that."" "I'm sorry about that."" "The funniest part about the whole wedding wasn't the fight or the cake fiasco." "The funniest part was about halfway through the reception..." "Everybody was doing fine." "We was dancing." "It was so funny, 'cause we messed up." "When we did the seating chart, we sat all 50 of my family in the front." "We sat them right at the edge of the dance floor." "I was really happy 50 family members came out." "'Cause I grew up in a trailer park." "A lot of my family members still live there." "That was a big trip for 50 people to come out to Oakland from Cincinnati." "But we messed up." "We should've spaced my family out." "But we messed up." "We should've spaced my family out." "They were right in the front on the edge of the dance floor and about halfway through the reception, the electric slide had broken out." "My family never seen no shit like that." "200 black people in perfect sequence?" "They didn't know what the fuck was going on." "They were just staring at my family the whole dance." "It was like, "aw, shit!"" "My family got pissed, started two-stepping all around them." ""Do something, motherfuckers!"" ""Do something, motherfuckers!"" "Come on, you want to stare at somebody."" "My wife's family is like, "what the fuck are they doing?"" ""Oh, shit." "They switched direction, boys." "We just got served." "I think I saw omarion out there."" "That's the thing too." "When you get married outside your race, you learn a lot about another race." "Like one thing I've definitely learned in the last 10 years, being married, about black people being married, about black people is, um, a lot of cousins." "Fuck." "Seriously, black people, when's the cut-off?" "Man!" "White people, we cut our cousins off at first." "That's it." "Second, third?" "You don't count." "You a friend." "You ain't no family member." "Black people never cut their cousins off." "Only good thing, I got relatives in every city now." "I might not know 'em, but I got somebody." "I could have a problem tonight in Atlanta." "Call my wife, "baby, I'm in Atlanta." "Motherfuckers after me." "I need some help."" "Somebody'll show up." "Get a knock on the hotel." "Get a knock on the hotel." ""What's up, man?" "I'm Craig."" ""Who are you, Craig?" "17th cousin on your auntie's side." "Your wife called." I don't know my auntie." "I don't even know what the fuck an auntie is." "What the hell is an aunt-ie?" "!" "I got a lot of aunts." "I got no aunt-ies." "What the fuck is an aunt-ie?" "I think an aunt-ie is an aunt-aunt." "Like if you an aunt and you got another aunt, that'd be an aunt-aunt, so that'd be an aunt-ie." "I ain't never heard of nobody having an aunt-aunt, but I think an aunt-aunt is aunt-ie." "Am I thinking right?" "Aunt-aunt is an aunt-ie?" "Am I thinking right?" "Aunt-aunt is an aunt-ie?" "An aunt-aunt?" "Okay, guess I'm wrong, but..." "I thought it was an aunt-aunt." "Aunt-ie, aunt-aunt." "You know?" "There's a lot of trust too." "I gotta hope my wife's not messing around on me." "You know, when I'm out of town?" "I'm under no false assumption that when I'm out of town dudes ain't hitting on my wife." "Hell, guys hit on my wife when I'm with her." "I know it's going down when I ain't with her." "Shit, we'll be walking around the mall, minding our business, dudes'll just holler out." ""'Scuse me, miss lady." "Miss lady." "Miss lady."" "Miss lady." "Miss lady."" ""I'm holding her hand, asshole!"" ""Oh, my bad." "I ain't see you." "I ain't see you!"" ""I'ma call Craig." "I'ma call Craig."" "I'm gonna get that one-way from Atlanta." "I tell you, I don't think my wife's messing around." "I'll tell you why." "We have a 12-year-old son." "My son is my eyes and ears when I'm out of town." "He don't let nobody talk to his mom." "I've trained him." "He was eight years old, we had our first heart-to-heart, man-to-man conversation." "We had our first heart-to-heart, man-to-man conversation." "I sat him down at eight." "I said, "listen, son, this is serious." "We got to talk." "I'm out of town a lot, so when I'm out of town, you the man of the house." "You gotta look after your little sister and your mom."" ""What I gotta do?"" ""There's what you gotta do, what you gotta know."" "First thing you need to know:" "Everybody..." "Wants to fuck your mama."" "My son was like, "everybody?" "Everybody."" ""My teacher?" "Wants to fuck your mama."" ""My basketball coach?" "Wants to fuck your mama."" ""The pastor?"" ""He might want to fuck me." "I don't know about that one."" "Puttin' too many s's on "Jesus-s-s."" "Yo, that was like eight s's, man." ""Jesus" got one s." "Why you got eight on it?" "Religion today, you don't know who to trust." "Religion today, you don't know who to trust." "I don't know where to go to church anymore." "You don't know who to trust anymore." "Growing up, when I did go, I went to catholic church." "That's like the worst one." "Catholic priests." "I never got messed with as a little kid." "Never did." "When I got older, I got a phone call." "I found out the head of the church I used to go to, they found out he was messing with all the little boys." "Never messed with me once." "That kind of pisses me off when I think about it, man." "Was I that unattractive as a little boy, that even a pedophile didn't want to fuck my ass?" "How ugly was I as a child, honestly?" "How ugly was I as a child, honestly?" "It was my teeth." "It was my teeth, man." "I got big-ass teeth for a man." "Imagine these motherfuckers on a seven-year-old?" "And bucked?" "Father O'Reilly was like, "wait outside, Gary."" ""Oh, what the fuck, father?"" "I remember sitting outside the church, all my buddies would come out 45 minutes later always had big snicker bars and reesie cups." ""Damn, where'd you get the reesie cups." "You got six!"" ""I don't want to talk about it." "Let's go home."" ""But you got six." "Let me get one."" ""I don't want to talk about it." "Let's go home."" "Now that I'm older, I look back." "Little did I know that my teeth saved my ass." "Little did I know that my teeth saved my ass." "God works in mysterious ways, don't he?" "Hallelujah for buck teeth, Jesus." "Thank you for buck teeth, Jesus." "My buck teeth protected me." "I got side-tracked." "It's funny, man." "I had that conversation with my son." "I thought he'd forget about it." "He's eight." "Go in one ear and out the other, right?" "No, he's 12 years old now and still holding on to that conversation." "When I tell you to this day nobody talked to his mom, nobody talks to his mom." "This one incident we got on tape." "My son he's playing basketball." "He's at his basketball game." "He's at his basketball game." "My wife goes to the game." "She's sitting by herself." "One of the dads saw my wife, came and sat down next to her." "Nothing big." "His son's on the team." "Just two parents talking." "My son couldn't handle it." "All my son saw was another man speaking to his mom when his dad's not around." "In the middle of the game, my son took a shot, went to half-court and went, "mom!" "Move!" Right?" "Played defense, came back, "come on, mom, move!"" "So the game's over." "He don't shake hands with the other team." "He leaves, goes to the parking lot pissed, pacing around the car." "My wife comes out." ""What's wrong?"" "My wife comes out." ""What's wrong?"" ""I don't want you talking to Brandon's daddy at the games."" ""It's just Brandon's daddy."" ""Brandon's daddy don't talk to my daddy, so why's he talking to you?"" "I was like, "yeah!" "Brandon's dad don't talk to me, so why is he talking to you?" "I'll tell you why, son." "'Cause Brandon's daddy is trying to fuck your mama." "That's why he's talking to her."" "Fuck Brandon!" "He sucks anyway." "He's lucky he's on the team." "He's terrible." "Can't even make a left-handed layup." "Take your ass to the y, bitch." "Work on your left, Brandon." "You fuck up the fast break." "He sucked." "Brandon sucks." "It's funny too." "It's funny when I had my son." "When I had my son," "I'm in the hospital." "My wife went to sleep." "I'm holding him in my arms-- The first time I'm holding him." "He got the bath, they cut the umbilical cord." "The hospital's giving me all this paperwork to sign." "I'm just signing." "I'm not really reading it." "One piece of paper caught my eye." "It was a circumcision paper." "I was all, "what is this?"" "I didn't know that when you have a boy, you have to get the hospital's permission to circumcise your son." "I thought that was automatic." "To circumcise your son." "I thought that was automatic." "I didn't know you needed to ask permission." "Just cut it." "For the longest time," "I didn't know what a circumcision was." "I thought I was born with this darth vader helmet." "I ain't know I got cut as a baby." "You know?" "You ever see an uncircumcised dick?" "That's some weird looking shit, man." "I remember the first time I saw an uncircumcised dick." "I'm 17 years old." "I'm in the military first day of boot camp." "We in the shower." "There's like 40 dudes in the shower." "This dude walked in, I was like," ""what the fuck's wrong with that dick?" "!"" "It's not like I could look around and get a co-sign." "I couldn't look at other dudes." ""You see his dick?" "!" "I couldn't look at other dudes." ""You see his dick?" "!" "You see his dick?" "!"" "I couldn't stop staring." ""What is wrong with his dick?" "He ain't got no helmet." "He's missing his helmet." "How the fuck does he pee?" "How does he pee?" "He ain't got no helmet." "He's missing his helmet, guys."" "I couldn't stop staring at that shit, man." "You want to know what an uncircumcised dick looks like?" "You'll be driving on the highway and see one of them used car lots, and they got that shit flapping in the wind." "Oh shit." "He got that used car lot dick." "He got that '92 hyundai." "He got that '92 hyundai dick." "I see a couple guys ain't laughing." "That's cool, man." "Don't worry about it, man." "Get your shit numbed up." "Early Christmas present." "Cut that bitch." "You know..." "I don't care if you laugh at that joke or not." "What I do know is anybody seeing this show, when you drive by a used car lot, you gonna think of my ass." "You gonna think of my ass." "You're gonna be in a heated argument with your wife." ""Man, fuck th--."" ""What's so funny?"" ""It be getting to me." "It be getting to me."" "You know..." "That's the thing." "I've been married 10 years." "That's a long time being married, man." "After 10 years of marriage, I've realized marriage ain't for everybody." "You know?" "It's not." "It's not for guys." "You know?" "I'll give it to women." "Women get married for all the right reasons." "That's your soul mate." "That's your best friend." "That's your soul mate." "That's your best friend." "That's the man you want to grow old with." "Guys get married for one reasons:" "We don't want nobody else fucking you." "That's it, ladies." "'Cause marriage to a guy is like eating the same cereal every day." "Just cap'n crunch, cap'n crunch, cap'n crunch." "All your homeboys got honey smacks and apple Jacks." ""Shit, I want some honey smacks!"" "But I got cap'n crunch, cap'n crunch." "Just walk around the house mad." ""I'm so sick of cap'n crunch!" "I want some crunch berries of cream of wheat!" "I want some grits!" "I want some Turkey bacon." "Cap'n crunch every goddamn day."" "There's somebody in here right now looking at his wife." ""I love your cap'n crunch." "I don't know what the fuck he talking about." "It's like a fresh new box every morning." "Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum." "I'm gonna eat some cap'n crunch tonight." "Call me a pirate." "I'm gonna steal it." "I'm gonna get my treasure." "Call me Johnny Depp." "I can see some dude, a couple hours, got his wife bent over the bed..." ""Yeah, whose cap'n crunch is this?" "!"" ""It's your cap'n crunch!" ""It's your cap'n crunch!" "This is your cap'n crunch!"" ""Yeah, how big's the box?" "How big's the box?"" ""It's a costco box!" "It's fucking huge!"" ""Gotta have a membership to get this big-ass box." "Feed a family with this box."" "I tell you what, I'm owned for life, arguing with my wife." "I ain't won yet." "I ain't won one argument." "Even shit I was supposed to win, I ain't win." "One argument you don't need to have, ladies." "One argument you don't need to have, ladies." "Listen to me on this one." "Ladies, never under any circumstances ever check your man's laptop." "Leave that motherfucker alone." "You don't wanna know what's on it." "You really don't." "Your shit breaks down?" "Go to kinko's." "Don't borrow our shit." "I almost got divorced 'cause of my laptop, man." "Nothing I did in person." "Shit on my laptop almost got me divorced." "I'll tell you what happened." "I came home." "It was a Monday." "I'd been gone for a week." "I walked in the house." "My wife's sitting there." ""Gary, my laptop's dead." "Can I see yours?" "Yeah, baby."" "Flipped it over to her." ""Ah, shit." "Flipped it over to her." ""Ah, shit." "I forgot to erase that shit from the weekend."" "So now my wife's on my laptop and I'm over her shoulder acting interested in what's she's looking at." "I could care less what she was looking at." "I was making sure she didn't find out what I was looking at, right?" "I was sitting there, "okay, okay." "Ebay." "You gonna buy something?" "A lot of good stuff on ebay." "You can get shoes and headphones." "It's like a mall." "I'll just stay here all day on ebay."" "And the only thing on my mind when she was on my laptop" "I was like, "please don't press the letter 'p'!" "Please don't press the letter 'p'!"" "'Cause if she pressed that "p"" "'cause if she pressed that "p"" "and that "p" history came down, it was about to be pussy, porno, pretty pussy, petite pussy, pilates pussy, pink pussy, purple pussy, porn up, porn down, porn around, porn south, porn east, porn west," "pacquiao pussy to knock you out." "Please don't press that fucking "p."" "'Cause p90x ain't popping up on my shit" "so she never pressed the "p." Fold my laptop, I put it back on the charger." "I'm good." "Go downstairs, making a sandwich." "Five minutes later, I hear a scream." "Five minutes later, I hear a scream." "I go, "oh, shit."" "I go upstairs." "My wife's on the bed." "My laptop's open." "My wife's just looking at me." "What the fuck did she find?" "Let me tell you what happened." "This is Monday." "Saturday, I was by myself at the hotel." "My boy sent me a link of this chick fucking a donkey." "Now I don't want to fuck a donkey." "I don't want my wife fucking a donkey." "But I wanna see that bitch fucking a donkey there by myself!" "But that's all my wife saw." "She was like, "is that what you want?" "Donkey pussy?" "Donkey pussy?" "You nasty, Gary." "You want donkey pussy." "You nasty." "You want donkey pussy." "You ever see a donkey, you want donkey pussy?" "You nasty, Gary." "You want donkey pussy."" "I was like, "I don't want donkey pussy!"" ""You want that donkey pussy." "You nasty, Gary." "You want donkey pussy." "You nasty." "You want donkey pussy."" "It didn't help that I was yelling, but she was remaining calm." ""I don't want donkey pussy!" "I want your pussy!"" ""I don't want donkey pussy!" "I want your pussy!"" ""You want that donkey pussy." "You nasty, Gary." "You want donkey pussy." "You nasty." "You want donkey pussy."" "She said it like a thousand times!" "At one point, she locked herself in the bathroom." "I'm pounding on the door." ""I don't want donkey pussy!"" ""You want that donkey pussy." "You nasty, Gary." "You want donkey pussy." "You nasty." "You want donkey pussy."" "I finally got her out of the bathroom," "I explained to her, "baby, I'm by myself," "I explained to her, "baby, I'm by myself," "I'm gonna look at shit on the road." "Don't mean nothing." "I thought we made up." "Went out to dinner that night, saw a movie, went to bed." "Had a great night." "I thought that shit was over." "Slept like a baby." "Woke up the next morning." ""Morning, baby." "Still want that donkey pussy?"" ""Fuck!" "It's been three days!"" "That's the thing" " I can't win arguments with my wife." "I ain't won one yet." "My kids don't come to me for nothing." "One, I got adhd and they know it." "They don't know what's gonna happen if they ask me a question." "Stuff pops out of my mouth they ain't ready for." "Stuff pops out of my mouth they ain't ready for." "I don't always rack like I should." "This is all you got to know about me and discipline right here." "Last year, before the election, we got about 50 houses on my street." "It was 49 romney-Ryan signs in the front yard." "There was one Obama-biden sign-- ours." "We was lone soldiers." "That was it." "Two days before the election, my daughter goes about six-seven houses down from our house." "My daughter's 11." "She goes to play with a girl named Kristin." "Been playing with Kristin her whole life." "Comes back five minutes later crying." "I'm the only one home." ""What's wrong?"" ""Krista said I couldn't come in and play" ""krista said I couldn't come in and play 'cause we're voting for Barack."" "I was like, "fuck that bitch!"" "I messed up." "So I felt bad about it." "I felt bad." "I didn't feel bad a few days later 'cause Barack wins the election." "My daughter's 11." "She got a little instagram page." "When Barack wins the election, she put a picture of Barack up, and underneath it, she put "four more years."" "Well, Kristin has a 16-year-old sister." "Well, Kristin has a 16-year-old sister." "Kristin's sister gets on my daughter's instagram and makes this comment:" ""Great, now black people get to sit on their ass for another four years and collect welfare."" "When my wife saw that shit, that was it." "She storms out the house." "She's pacing up the street." "I'm following her." "The more I'm following her, the more I realize she's slowly turning into Sofia from "the color purple."" ""Come on, Sofia." "You ain't gotta do this, Sofia." "Please." "They kids, Sofia." "I don't want to hurt nobody, Sofia, please?" "I don't want you to hurt nobody, Sofia." "Let's just go home."" "I swear to god we cut through a corn field, I saw a juke joint," "I think I saw shug Avery at one point." "I was like, "hey, shug!"" "I think I saw shug Avery at one point." "I was like, "hey, shug!"" ""♪ Sistah ♪" "♪ You been on my mind!" "♪"" ""Sound real good, shug!" "Please, Sofia." "Let's go home, Sofia." "Let's just go, Sofia."" "Then we get to the door." "My wife starts pounding on the door-- "boom, boom, boom!"" "The dad answers." "I'm like, "ah, shit."" "Now if someone pops off, I gotta do something." "I'm looking at this dude, standing behind my wife and going..." ""No!" "Close the door!" "You ain't 'bout this life!"" "You ain't 'bout this life!"" "My wife never gives this poor man a chance to speak." "As soon as the door opens, she starts going in." ""I saw what your daughter put on my daughter's instagram!" "I don't blame her." "I blame you." "They got this anger from the parents." "I'm in this neighborhood." "I'm not leaving." "I'm your worst nightmare." "I'm a black woman with money."" "I'm thinking, "uh, I got the money, motherfucker, okay?"" "Let's not get it twisted." "At least say "we got the money."" "I guess Gary making no more fuckin' money, is he?" "I didn't say shit." "I was still coming up "donkey pussy," so I shut the fuck up." "I know as soon as I'd spoke up, she had have been, "still want that donkey pussy?"" "She had have been, "still want that donkey pussy?"" "Then my wife starts breaking out statistics" ""every year twice as many white people collect welfare as black people."" "I'm behind her, "both my brothers and my daddy's on welfare, motherfucker."" "How the fuck am I throwing my own family under the bus?" "Then she just leaves!" "Doesn't say bye or nothing." "I'm stuck looking at this dude." "I just turned into shug Avery's husband, it's been nice talking to you." "Appreciate the hospitality." "We're gonna go now." "Thank you so much." "I'll tell you..." "I'll tell you..." "I think we only reacted like that 'cause it was my daughter, man." "If it was my son, I'd have told him to handle it." "My daughter's 11 right now." "I've got about three, four good years left, then shit's gonna change." "I don't want nobody fucking my daughter." "Nobody." "I hope she grows up to be fat and nasty." "I'm gonna feed her cheese fries and chocolate malts till she's 27." ""I need a bath." "You got a bath last week." "Be quiet."" ""Nobody loves me." "Your daddy loves you." "Come on, let's go to Wendy's before you go to bed, grab something to eat." "Come on, let's go to Wendy's before you go to bed, grab something to eat." "Let's get a triple baconator, put a Twix on it."" ""A Twix on a cheeseburger?" "Slows down the metabolism."" "♪ No dicks in my daughter. ♪" "That's all I want." "I don't want no dicks in her, man." "That could be a hit country song." "♪ I don't want no dicks ♪" "♪ In my daughter... ♪" "♪ I don't want them dicks... ♪" "Background singers." "♪ He don't want no dicks ♪" "♪ I don't want them dicks ♪" "Make it an RB hit." "♪ In your woo-woo-woo ♪" "♪ No dicks inside of you... ♪" "Can you see the video?" "Dicks flying at the girls?" "♪ No dicks!" "♪" "♪ We don't want 'em, we don't need 'em... ♪" "Here comes uncircumcised trying to get in the video." "♪ No new skin, no new skin, no, no, no ♪" "Oh shit, Drake's on the album." "♪ No new skin, no new skin, no, no, no... ♪" "Damn, Drake dropped that foreskin album." "He dropped that foreskin album." "That shit's hot." "He dropped that foreskin album." "That shit's hot." "I don't get weddings." "I don't get weddings." "Who's the dumb-ass that made up the tradition having a dad walk his daughter down the aisle?" "That's stupid." "I don't wanna walk my daughter down the aisle." "I don't." "This is basically what you're saying when your daughter gets married." "Everybody's in the church." "You're behind the doors." "They open the doors." "Everybody stands up." "You're walking down the aisle with your daughter. "All right, big day." "Okay." "Baby girl's getting married." "All right." "Hey, Craig, how's your auntie?" "Thanks for coming, buddy." "Hey, Craig, how's your auntie?" "Thanks for coming, buddy." "All right, here we go."" "You get to the end, some dude's sitting there." "You gotta pass your daughter off to some dude." "This is what you're saying, "there you go, young man, enjoy that pussy." "All right, it's yours now." "Gift!"" "I don't wanna do that shit, man." "It's such a double-standard-- The way a man raises a son and daughter is completely different." "Most guys in here know your son gets away with a lot more than your daughter." "Your son gets away with a lot more than your daughter." "As a dad, you can catch your son and daughter doing the exact same shit, you'll react completely different." "Hypothetical situation." "You got a boy and girl, they're both in high school." "Let's say you come home from work early one day." "Unannounced, you walk in the house." "You catch your son having sex on the living room couch with the head cheerleader." "You can handle that as a father." "Hell, I might want to see that as a father, you know?" "Walk in the house, "what going o-- oh, my boy!" "I'm calling your grandpa." "Dad?" "Yeah, he's fucking her right now, killing it."" "Dad?" "Yeah, he's fucking her right now, killing it."" "You coach him." ""Psst, hey, turn her over." "Hit it from the back!" "Looks like we're going to outback tonight." "Somebody earned himself a steak!" "Get your sister some cheese fries while we're there, extra bacon!"" "Take that same situation..." "Come home from work early, walk in the house, you catch your daughter getting the bottom knocked out of her ass by the middle linebacker of the football team." "Might be a little tough to take." "Walk in the house. "Hey, what's going on?" "Just got home!" "Walk in the house. "Hey, what's going on?" "Just got home!" "Is that your ankles?" "Go to your room, baby." "You got raped." "Let me set this up." "God damn it."" "Oh my gosh, man." "That's the thing, man." "I talk about family a lot in my act." "A lot of family's got secrets." "I got a family secret that got revealed last year." "Um, you know..." "Let me tell you about it." "I went to my family reunion last year." "I haven't been to my family reunion for six, seven years, so I go and we got this whole park rented out." "As soon as I get there, my dad runs up to my car" ""Gary, come here." "I gotta tell you something."" ""What?" Let me tell you what happened." ""What?" Let me tell you what happened." "I got a 35-year-old cousin." "Her name's Tina." "Tina's retarded." "She's not slow." "It's full-blown." "It is what it is." "My dad comes up to the car, "Gary you ain't gonna believe this." "Tina" " Tina got an std."" "I was like, "what?"" "So the whole day the family's at different picnic tables, and they're all talking about it." ""Tina got an std."" ""Tina got an std."" "And I'm thinking, "Tina's fucking?" "She's retarded!"" "And then I'm like, "who gave her the std?"" "We found out it was another retarded dude gave her the std." "We found out it was another retarded dude gave her the std." "I didn't know retarded people had sex." "I'm kind of happy about that." "Tina getting a little dick." "She ain't missing out on that in life." "But then I was thinking" "What did that dude say to my cousin to get her in the bedroom?" "I just don't see him having a lot of game." "They're both retarded." "What did they talk about that led to sex?" "I just can't in my mind..." "I can't fathom what they said that led to the bedroom." "What did he say that brought her into bed?" ""Hey, Tina." ""Hey, Tina." "You're so pretty." "Tina's pretty!" "Hey, Tina." "You're so pretty." "Tina's pretty!" "Hey, Tina." "You're so pretty." "Tina's pretty!" "Hey, Tina." "You're so pretty." "Tina's pretty!"" "Hey" "Girl in the front don't wanna laugh." ""I don't wanna block my blessings." "Not gonna block my blessings, Gary." "I'm not gonna laugh." "I just got right with Jesus." "I don't want to blow my blessings." "I'm on a non-stop to heaven." "You gonna have me at a layover." "Do not have me at a layover, Jesus." "Please." "I did not want to laugh at that."" "It's cool." "It's my cousin." "Don't worry about it." "I wondered if they had pillow talk." "You know, I wonder what they talked about in the bedroom." "I ain't gonna lie." "When I have sex, I'm gonna talk a little shit in the bedroom." "I ain't gonna lie." "When I have sex, I'm gonna talk a little shit in the bedroom." "As soon as my nut hits, I get retarded for a few seconds." "I do, you know?" "I be killing it too and then that nut hits, and I get retarded for a few seconds." "I be sittin' there, "yeah, you like that?"" "You like that dick?" "You like that darth vader?" "You like that" "Ah, shit." "Sorry about that." "Want something to drink?" "A mt." "Dew or Dr. Pepper?" "Got some in the fridge." "You want some doritos?" "I got some cool ranch." "I'll get it." "Cool ranch and Dr. pepper?" "Just lay there, I got you."" "I wonder if the opposite happens to the retarded." "I wonder if the opposite happens to the retarded." "I wonder if he gets normal when the nut hits." "He just be sittin' there..." ""Oh shit, this is good pussy right here, Tina, damn!"" ""Tina's pretty!"" "don't wanna block my blessings..." "One lady one time" "I was in Memphis, Tennessee, and I told that joke." "A lady got mad in the back." "It's not even really a joke." "It really happened." "You know?" "It's my life." "My cousin really got an std." "She's really retarded." "She was in the back and was like, "you're going to hell!"" ""What?" "You're going to hell."" ""For what?" "Talking about retarded people."" ""It was a joke." "I don't care." "God don't like it when you talk about retarded people, so you're going to hell." "God don't like it when you talk about retarded people."" "God don't like it when you talk about retarded people."" "I was like, "well, god made 'em retarded!" "So who's really at fault?"" "She was all, "fuck you," and left." "I said, "man, a Bible-thumper said 'fuck you.'"" "it's my cousin, man." "Relax." "That's my girl, you know?" "That's what I don't get." "People always wanna judge." "I've volunteered 10 years at the special Olympics." "'Cause my cousin was in it." "You know how hard that is?" "The 100m dash is the funniest shit you ever wanna see." "The 100m dash is the funniest shit you ever wanna see." "Literally, it's eight people running with no arm swing." ""Use your arms." "You'll fuckin' win!"" ""Come on, just pump it!"" "They don't stop." "They just keep going." ""It's over." "It's over." "You got it."" "How do we know retarded people don't talk about us?" "I ain't stupid." "I've seen my cousin around a lot of her retarded friends." "They be talking." "They be talking." "As soon as I come around, they shut up." ""You fuckin' talking about me?" "You talking about me?"" "How do we know retarded people don't make fun of normal people." "We don't know that." "They be sitting around, "hey... come here."" ""Talk normal." "Hey, how's it going?"" "We don't know." "We don't know." "People ask comedians, "where do you get your jokes from, man?" "You write 'em down?" No." "Honest to god, I've never written a joke down in my life." "I think of shit, say it on stage, and hopefully it's funny." "I tell you what I do, though." "I get my personality from my dad." "I definitely" "I also get my adhd from my dad." "My shit got treated." "His didn't." "Like..." "Let's all get to know my dad right here." "The stuff that pops out of his mouth." "I was 12 years old." "Mom and dad went, picked me up." "Went out to breakfast." "We're sitting there." "My dad ordered some pancakes and a glass of milk." "My dad ordered some pancakes and a glass of milk." "The milk came." "My dad took a sip of the milk and was like," ""ooh, waitress!" "Excuse me, this milk tastes like a big cup of fuck!"" "What the hell's fuck taste like?" "But he stuck it." "He stuck that fuck." ""A big-ass cup of fuck!"" "Who says that on a Sunday?" "You know the waitress is in the kitchen" ""who put fuck in the cup?" ""Who put fuck in the cup?" "You guys are gonna fuck up my tips." "Who put fuck in the cup?"" "My dad..." "More than anybody was the one guy who I was worried about when I had to tell him I got my wife pregnant." "When I got my wife pregnant, we wasn't married." "We was just messing around." "No one in my family knew I was messing with black girls." "I didn't live at home anymore." "I left." "It's weird 'cause I always knew from an early age," "I had an attraction to black girls." "I had an attraction to black girls." "I did." "When I hit puberty, I knew I liked black girls." "I just didn't know where they were." "'Cause I grew up in a trailer park." "I went to an all-white high school." "I remember watching TV-- "where the fuck are these black girls on TV?" "!" "Who the hell is this tootie chick?" "Fuck!" "I've got to get to that "facts of life" school!" "I ain't gonna lie." "I should have read up on black culture before I just jumped in and started dating black girls." "I didn't know enough about black girls to just start dating' 'em." "To just start dating' 'em." "I remember..." "I asked this black girl out" "And she had beautiful hair." "It was long and it was beautiful." "I didn't know it wasn't hers." "I didn't." "I thought it was her long, beautiful hair." "I didn't know what a weave was." "I didn't know what the fuck a weave was." "This is how I found out what a weave was." "Honest truth." "We go back to my place, we're watching TV." "We're laying on the bed and she had her head right here in the pocket of my arm, right?" "A lot of her hair got underneath my arm." "She didn't know I had a lock on it." "She didn't know I had a lock on it." "I thought it was her hair." "We was just watching TV." "So we're laying down like this and her cellphone rang." "She hopped up to answer it not knowing I had a lock on that motherfucker." "This is all I heard..." "Fastest sit-up you've seen in your goddamn life." ""Hello?" "Oh shit!"" "I thought I scalped her." "I thought I scalped her." "You know?" ""Oh, shit." "Shit!"" "She went to the bathroom, says, "I gotta go home."" "I said, "we gotta go to a hospital!" "Fuck your house!" "I've gotta save your life!" "I took off half your skull!"" "I've gotta save your life!" "I took off half your skull!"" "She stood up to go to the bathroom and half her weave had popped up and it was just floating behind her head." ""Oh shit, the blood's coagulating." "She's about to die." "She about to die." "The blood's coagulating." "She about to pass out." "She went into the bathroom, came out." "I'd already called 9-1-1." "The ambulance showed up." "She said, "what the fuck'd you do?"" ""I was trying to save your life!"" "I'll never forget that noise as long as I live." "I'll never forget that noise as long as I live." "That shit was just back, man." "The ambulance showed up." ""Who got scalped?"" "They kept looking at her." ""She seems fine."" ""You don't see that shit?"" ""Nah, that's just glue."" "It's funny." "I remember when I was gonna tell my dad, that he was gonna have a black grandkid, basically, that he was gonna have a black grandkid, basically," "I didn't want to tell him in private." "I wanted to tell him in a public place in case he freaked out." "He wasn't gonna make an ass of himself too bad." "I remember I took him to a bar." "We was having some beers." ""Dad, I got to tell you something." "I got this girl pregnant." "You're gonna be a grandpa."" ""Okay, I can handle that." "Okay." "All right." "All right."" ""Yeah, one other thing..." "Um..." "Bla-ck."" ""Gary, what are you trying to say?"" ""Black, dad." "Dad, she's black." "My girl's black." "I got a black girl pregnant."" "My dad shocked me." "The motherfucker was into it." "He goes, "black?" "!" "Oh shit, for real?"" "I'm like..." "My dad's a story-topper." "My dad's a story-topper." "He had to top it immediately." ""Gary, I just want to let you know..." "You ain't the first, all right?"" ""What?" "You ain't the first."" ""'The first' what?" "You ain't the first Owen to dip in the chocolate."" "Then my dad had to proceed to tell me about the one black girl he had sex with in his life." "One." "One." ""Yeah, I'll never forget it." "1978." "I was at a doobie brothers' concert, met a beautiful black woman named joy." "Same night!"" ""What happened to her?" "don't matter." "That was it."" ""I don't know the point of the story, dad."" ""I don't know the point of the story, dad."" ""The point of the story is you ain't the first!"" ""So you're telling me you had a one-night stand with a black chick in 1978?"" "My dad was like, "yep!"" ""Dad..." "You were married to mom in 1978." ""Oh, shit." "Got me." "You know?" "Shit ain't work out."" "Ain't that a bitch?" "My dad cheated on my mom." "Having a good year." "Can't really complain." "The last couple years have been a good ride for me." ""Think like a man" came out and that was good." ""Think like a man" came out and that was good." ""Think like a man" was good." "I'm still not sure why I didn't make the poster for that movie." "I don't know what the fuck happened with that shit." "I remember my manager called me up when "think like a man" came out."" "She goes, "Gary, man, I got bad news." ""What?" "You didn't make the poster for "think like a man."" "She was damn near in tears." "I go, "I don't give a fuck." "I'm in the movie." "I don't give a fuck about a poster."" "Then I saw the poster, I said, "damn!" "They put every motherfucker on there but me?" "Shit!"" "I thought they put on like two or three characters." "Not nine motherfuckers on it, but there's 10 people in the movie." "Not nine motherfuckers on it, but there's 10 people in the movie." "How the fuck did I get left off that bitch?" "Screen gems called my manager." "They said, "we love Gary, but we've got one white guy on the poster already, we got Jerry ferreira." "We don't need two white guys." "Plus we passed Gary's name around screen gems and nobody knows who he is."" ""Well, that tells me there ain't no black people working at screen gems."" "Black people know who the fuck I am." "Like, I literally..." "I've got to be the only comic in the history of comedy" "I've got to be the only comic in the history of comedy" "I've got to cross over to my own race, you know?" "Black people I'm good with." "It's white people I've got to get to know my ass at this point." "That's why when I go after my shows," "I always go to black nightclubs with black bouncers-- 'cause I get in, you know?" "I've been turned away too many times by white bouncers." "It's fucking embarrassing." "I'll be walking up." ""What's up, man?" "Yup, Gary Owen!"" ""don't know you, bro." "Back of the line." "Fuck!"" "I be hoping nobody recognize me." ""Oh, look." "Gary done fell off." "He in line like everybody else."" ""I didn't fall off, asshole." "White bouncer."" "I see a black bouncer, I'm good." "I barely get out the car" ""g!" "Get the fuck in here!"" ""That's what the fuck I'm talkin' 'bout!" "About to pop some bottles in this bitch!"" "It's funny." "The last three movies I've been in had Kevin hart in it." ""Think like a man," "ride along" and then "think like a man too"" "when you feel good about that shit, you'll be telling your friends, "man..." "I've been in three movies in the last year and a half."" "You've always got that one friend who wants to bring you down." "I've got this one buddy, he's like," ""Gary, only time you're in a movie is if Kevin hart's in it." "You can't get shit by yourself." "You've gotta have Kevin in the movie."" "I was like, "I don't give a shit!" "I'm gonna follow that little motherfucker all the way to the bank, bitch!"" "I'm right behind you, kev." "You ain't gotta look back." "I'm on your ass." "I'm right behind you, kev." "You ain't gotta look back." "I'm on your ass." "Kevin's short, man." "Kevin's so little, man." "I've known him for 15 years and every time I see him, it looks like he gets smaller, man." "Kevin looks like he was gonna be a midget, and at the last minute, god went, "no more features." "I'll let you go."" "That was a joke." "That was a joke." "I don't want you motherfuckers on Twitter" ""oh shit, Gary's hating on kev." ""Oh shit, Gary's hating on kev." "♪ Lollipopguild."" "It's funny." "We've got so many holidays in this country." "Some holidays I don't get." "I don't get Columbus day." "Motherfucker got lost." "Made a wrong turn." "We need to come up with new holidays." "I think..." "I think we need to find the first girl that ever gave a blowjob." "That's woman who needs a holiday." "That's a woman who needs to be honored and recognized for what she came up with." "And recognized for what she came up with." "I can't imagine a world with no blowjobs." "I really can't." "I wanna take 30 seconds out of my show and thank all you ladies out there." "Thank you." "This is from the guys." "Thank you so much for sucking our dicks." "Thank you so much." "Thank you." "Appreciate you." "Thank you." "Right there." "On the side, thank you." "Yes." "Backstage, a lot of girls backstage." "Thank you so much, stage hands." "Blowjobs are the best, though." "Whoo, man!" "Especially the first good one you get." "Especially the first good one you get." "No guy ever forgets the first good blowjob." "All blowjobs are good, but you never forget that first awesome" "Awesome one where the girl knew what she was doing." "The first time you get a blowjob, you're probably a teenager." "You might be in high school, just got to college." "You don't know what it's supposed to feel like and the girl don't know what she's doing." "She's all over the place." "Popping out, hitting collarbone, then teeth are involved..." "You're not really enjoying it." "The whole time, it's like biting into hot pizza." "Get it." "Okay." "You got it." "One time." "All right." "You got it." "One time." "All right." "No dude ever forgets the first good blowjob." "I remember my first good one." "Man!" "I knew it was gonna be different." "I knew the girl knew what she was doing because she started stretching." "I was like, "oh, shit."" "I got on the bed." "I took off my pants." "My darth vader was out." "You know?" "You know?" "It was funny..." "She starts sucking my shit, right?" "She went down on it, but she's all about the top, all about the tip." "She was messing with the tip of my shit." "Big t.I. Fan." "All about the tip, right?" "As she was sucking it, her hand was doing this to the top." "Like she was trying to tighten a ketchup bottle." "I don't know what the fuck happened, but halfway through the blowjob, my head was in sequence with her hand." "I was just sitting there, like, "what the fuck?" "!"" "I knew I was about to finish." "I could feel it coming up." "As a dude, you don't want to tell the girl you're about to finish, 'cause you don't want to stop." "You'll be moving every part of your body but the dick." "Ladies, if you could see the chaos going on around your head as you're sucking a dick." "At one point, I swear to god" "I was riding a bike in the middle of the bed." "I was like... "What the fuck?" "!"" "I was riding that bike smooth as a motherfucker." "Then the nut hit." "It was like the chain popped off the crank." "I was like... "Ohhhh!"" "Hey, I'm Gary Owen." "Thanks for coming to see me!" "Thank you!" "Thanks a lot!" "Thank you!" "Thanks a lot!" "Thank you!" "So this is the church you grew up going to, huh?" "Been coming here since I was four years old." "You think we'll be done by 11:00?" "I ain't eat breakfast." "I'm starving." "Am or pm?" "You serious?" "I gotta pee." " What are you doing?" " I don't know." "This is awesome." "Gangsta leaning!" "Gary, get outta there, man." "This is awesome." "Thanks for bringing me." "Gary." " Amen." " Talk about living in the world." "We're living in a world of Jesus." "That's right!" "That's right!" "Why they talking while he's talking?" "You're allowed." "Seems rude to me." "I wouldn't do that." "Jesus-- say it with me." "Jesus!" " Jesus!" " Amen, that's what I'm talking about." "Amen!" "Got all these youth talking about how they're thugs." "Why don't you try being a thug for the lord?" "Let's turn some sinners into winners." "Yes!" "Excuse me." "Excuse me." "All right." "Okay." "Oh." "Amen." "That's what I'm talking about." "I'm like seabiscuit." "I like to get turned up." "But I get turned up for Jesus." "That's what I'm talking about." "I feel it!" "Amen." "Let's lift our pastor's aid." "Why is it called "pastor's aid"?" "Is he sick?" "I'll explain later." "Just put the money in the basket, man." ""Bring ye all the tithes into the storehouse, so that there will be more meat in my house."" "So that there will be more meat in my house."" "Second time I've paid money here." "Yeah, I know." "This is for the tithing." "What is tithing?" "Stop being cheap." "Put the money in the box." "Don't cash this till Tuesday, okay?" "We're gonna give to the building fund." "This is the third time I've given money." "What is the building fund?" "I didn't come here for this." "I came to see you get saved." " All right, save the building." " Save my bank account." "Put the money in the basket, please." "Why don't I just make it rain on the church?" "Why don't I just make it rain on the church?" " Really?" " Yeah, really." " That's how we doin' it?" " That's how, buddy." "You're never coming back." "I don't want to come back." "I'm never gonna leave." "The health service ministry asks that all the holy ghosters choosing to faint on the altar to please wear clean underwear." "Mm-hm." "Mm-hm." "Your praise should be holy, but not your drawers." "Amen." "Single ladies..." "The single ladies ministry will now be meeting two times a week." "There's a high rate of divorcees there's a high rate of divorcees in the congregation." "We're gonna go ahead and meet twice because in these lonely times, the pastor always reminds us that the most powerful position is on your knees." " Amen." " Amen." "Amen, sistah." "I would also like to mention that you can follow me on instagram." ""@heavenlychocolate."" "I'm gonna follow you." "Is there an underscore on that?" "Why are they dancing?" "This is what we do at church." "This is a freakin' talent show." "This is "amazing grace"!" "They sing this at my church!" "That's not how it goes." "Is she talking about food?" "!" "This is amazing grace." "It's about Jesus." "They sang this at my grandma's funeral." "I don't get you." "You bring me here." "You're supposed to get saved." "Right now, I wish you were Jewish." "I'm gonna wring your neck if you don't shut the hell up." "Did you just say "hell" in church?" "No, I said "heck."" "I thought you said "hell."" "That's where I feel like I'm at right now." "I feel like I'm in the church of hell." "I feel like I'm in the church of hell." "The first baptist church of hell." "Amen!" "That being said, I'd like to ask anyone from the congregation if you have any testimony whatsoever, please take the opportunity to do so." "Praise the lord, say it." "Praise the lord!" "Ooh god." "I just want to thank and praise god, hallelujah, for the medical marijuana." "Hallelujah." "Keeps my nerves calm." "Hallelujah." "Ooh, glory." "I want to thank and praise god for my new boo." "I want to thank and praise god for my new boo." "I wanna testify!" " Yes, my son." " I wanna" "I wanna give my testimony." "What color do you think Jesus is?" "When I got here 14 hours ago," "I thought he was white." "And I tell you what, man..." "I think he might be black." "I do." "I think he might be black." "Not dark." "Not like gene, 'cause that's really dark." "More like a El debarge type." "I'll just sit."