"?" "I'm goin' down to South Park?" "?" "Gonna have myself a time?" "?" "Friendly faces everywhere?" "?" "Humble folks without temptation?" "?" "Goin' down to South Park?" "?" "Gonna leave my woes behind?" "?" "Ample parking day or night?" "?" "People spouting "Howdy, neighbor"?" "?" "Headed on up to South Park?" "?" "Gonna see if I can't unwind?" "?" "So come on down to South Park?" "?" "And meet some friends of mine.?" "ERIC Ha-ha-ha-ha!" "Now I will kill the president and kill Salma Hayek!" "Oh, save me!" "Who will save me!" "?" "I will!" "James West, cowboy and rap star!" "Quick Artemus Cloud Frog, we've got to save Salma Hayek!" "If we save her, I'm going to take off her pants and play "slip 'n slide"." "Are you okay, Salma Hayek?" "Yes, but I need to get out of here." "I need some tacos and burritos." "Me gusto tacos mucho!" "You cannot stop me, James West!" "Look out, Artemus Cloud Frog!" "It's giant metal spider!" "Bang!" "Bang-bang!" "?" "Yo, yo, yo, jiggy, jiggy with a bang, bang, bang!" "?" "We saved the day!" "?" "The wild, wild, west the wild, wild, wild west!" "?" "?" "Yo, wicky-wicky, scratch, wicky-wicky, scratch...?" "Eric?" "The baby-sitter's here, come on downstairs!" "But Mom, I'm playing Wild, Wild, West!" "I have to leave soon, Eric." "But Mom, me and Artemus Cloud Frog still have to do our love scene with Salma Hayek!" "Come down as soon as you're done!" "?" "Well, I'm a bad-ass cowboy living in the cowboy days?" "?" "Wicky-wicky scratch yo-yo bang-bang?" "?" "Me and Artemus Cloud Frog go save Salma Hayek?" "?" "From the big metal spider?" "?" "Wicky-wicky wick wicky-wicky wick?" "?" "Fresh cowboy from the west side.?" "Thank you so much for baby-sitting little Eric, Shelly!" "Okay." "All his other baby-sitters won't come back." "I charge five dollars for the first hour, five percent bumps every hour after that up to six hours which enters into "golden time"." "Oh, that sounds fine." "I'm going to a meteor shower party." "The number where I'll be is on the refrigerator." "Eric's snooky time is 9:00 sharp." "If his little wugums get cold, you can turn up the heat over here." "And if he gets cranky, just play "tummy rub-rubs" with him and make sure he wipes good after he "makes bears. "" ""Bears"?" "Oh, and don't mind the cat." "She's just being loud because she's in heat!" "No, kitty, I don't have anything!" "What the hell is wrong with you?" "Stop it, kitty!" "Stop kitty!" "That's a bad, goddamn kitty!" "Okay, muffin, Mommy's leaving now." "You do what the baby-sitter tells you, okay?" "Uh-huh." "Be good." "Right." "Come give Mommy Eskimo kisses!" "Aw, Ma!" "Eskimo kisses for Mommy!" "Jesus Christ!" "Bye, kids!" "Well, go put that pizza in the oven, bitch!" "I'm hungry!" "Ow!" "All right, turd, listen up!" "Now that your mom is gone, I'm in charge." "I don't know how you treat your other baby-sitters, but when I'm baby-sitting, you're nothing but a little turd." "You're a stinky, dried-up, stupid turd!" "Got it?" "You can't hit me." "Didn't you see those nanny videos on TV?" "My boyfriend is coming over, so you go to the kitchen, and you us make that pizza before I snap you in half like the little turd stick you are!" "You're not allowed to have people over!" "Move!" "This is bullcrap!" "I can't reach the freezer!" "Figure it out, turd!" "Goddammit..." "Shut up, kitty!" ""Any problems, contact Eric's mommy at 303... "" "Aha!" "I'm gonna call Mom and tell her that the baby-sitter's having her boyfriend come over." "Then we'll see who's the turd!" "...and so I said, "You're a little turd, " and he... "" "Dammit!" "...but if you've seen one turd, you've seen them all stupid turd..." "Hey, I need to use the phone!" "Oh, hold on a second, Gary." "I pulled his underwear over his head." "I'm gonna get her, kitty." "Mark my words!" "Shut the hell up, kitty!" "MAN And now, back to The Movie of the Week:" "Aliens." "They mostly come at night... mostly." ""They mostly come at night..." "mostly. "" "Hey, I was watching Alienson TV!" "Well I'm watching Friends, turd." "That's my boyfriend." "Go answer the door while I make sure" "I don't have food in my braces!" "Hey, is Shelly around?" "Who the hell are you?" "Oh, I'm the guy who's gonna put a boot up your ass if you don't tell me where Shelly is." "Hey, Skylar." "You know this guy?" "He's my boyfriend!" "Ha!" "He's like 50 years old!" "He's 22!" "Dude, that's not cool!" "You're a turd." "You're the turd man of Alcatraz." "Ha!" "Yeah!" "Dude, when my mom finds out that my baby-sitters had their boyfriends over, she mostly gets really mad... mostly." "Hey!" "Hey, goddammit!" "Turd wedgie!" "Come in the kitchen, Skylar." "There's refreshments." "And now back to Wild Animal World." "Here in the more arid regions of Africa, the gold coat lions are in the throes of mating season." "The male lion positions himself behind the female, and prepares to insert his lionhood." "Notice his large swollen balls." "The female lion relaxes her body and says hello to "Mr. Winky"." "The male lion is enticed by the female's supple breasts and firm backside." "Quickly and suddenly, the male is finished." "Now he wants to be alone, so he kindly asks the female to leave." "He promises he'll call her tomorrow." "But the female doesn't leave- no, she's moving right in." "Looks like the male lion is screwed." "Mmm..." "No Skylar, quit it!" "Come on, babe, how long have we known each other?" "Eight days, tomorrow." "And I still don't get any action!" "I don't know, Skylar." "It's just kind of strange to me that you're 22 and all." "But I'm still in high school!" "I told you, I'm a very immature 22-year-old." "Well, maybe just one kiss." "Hey, what are you doing?" "Beat it, chubby!" "Go on, astroturd." "I'm gonna tell my mom on you!" "Turd rock from the sun!" "Hey!" "You ate all the pizza!" "We left you some crusts." "That does it!" "I'm calling my mom right now, and busting your ass!" "Guess again, Richard the turd." "Give me that phone number!" "Come on, babe, let's go to the living room." "I am not gonna be bossed around by a chick!" "Maybe I'll just use my Wild, Wild, Westtechniques and get proof that Shelly had a boyfriend over." "Goddammit, kitty, you have to calm down!" "Here, I'll get you some catnip." "Okay, okay, hold on." "I found the catnip." "?" "Rapt darkness fills my icy soul?" "?" "Demons from hell seek the chosen one.?" "You're such an amazing poet, Skylar." "Isn't this guitar awesome?" "It's the best of its kind." "And not a scratch on it!" "Skylar, not here!" "I can't help it." "I see your pretty lips, and I want to kiss them." "Really?" "I cherish you... almost as much as I cherish my guitar." "Wow!" "When I make it to the big time," "I'm gonna take you shopping and buy you lots of bad-ass stuff." "Oh, Skylar, I love you." "What the...?" "Ha-ha, so right you are!" "Looks like you're the turd now!" "Gimme that picture!" "Open this door, turd-I-dove." "I think not!" "I'm gonna show this picture to my mom when she gets home!" "Your mom doesn't get home for three more hours." "That's plenty of time for me to make a turd sandwich out of you!" "Give me that picture, turd!" "You're never gonna get this picture!" "Not until my mom comes home, and I can prove you had a boyfriend over here!" "I'm gonna bust this door down!" "What should we do, Artemus Cloud Frog?" "We've got to get that picture to your mom so that she will come home and save us." "Oh, that's quick thinking, Artemus Cloud Frog!" "Listen very carefully, Mr. Kitty." "I'm putting this picture of the baby-sitter and her boyfriend on your collar." "You have to take this picture to Mommy, kitty, so that she can come home and save me." "Now run, kitty, take the picture to Mommy and lead her back here!" "When you return, be sure to bring Mom in through the back door." "Hurry, kitty, you're my only hope!" "That's it, that's it, Mr. Kitty!" "Aw, goddammit!" "Who is that?" "Oh, I invited the guys in the band over so that we can practice." "Skylar, your band can't practice here!" "Hey, do you want me to make it or not?" "Don't stand between me and my dreams, babe!" "S'up, Mark?" "S'up, Jonesy?" "Just keep the volume down!" "I have to go deal with turd-boy." "Hey, who was that?" "Who came to the door?" "Eric!" "Your mom's been in an accident!" "You just want me to open the door!" "We need to run over to the hospital and identify her body." "We'll be right back!" "What?" "I-Is she okay?" "Not really..." "she's dead!" "Huh!" "?" "Ha-ha, that was a turd trick." "Your mom isn't really dead!" "Aha!" "I knew it was a turd trick, and I opened the door because Mr. Kitty is on his way, right now to my mom's party with the picture!" "Ha-ha, I knew you sent the cat, and that's why I went outside and got him!" "Ha-ha!" "I saw you get the picture back from Mr. Kitty, and that's why I wrote a letter to the press." ""To be opened in case of my demise. "" "Should anything happen to me, that letter will go out, and you will never find it!" "You mean, this one?" "Okay..." "let's see here..." "Aha!" "Um..." "Ah, dammit!" "Okay, check, check check one, two, check!" "Okay, ready?" "All right, let's try the new song." "This is a song I wrote for you, Shelly." "One, two, one, two, three, four!" "?" "When I saw her walking down the street?" "?" "I thought she was Shelly, Shelly?" "Aw, man, you guys suck!" "?" "Now that we're together I'm absolutely sure?" "?" "That she's Shelly, Shelly?" "You're the crappiest band I've ever heard." "?" "Move into my mom's house with me?" "?" "Shelly, Shelly...?" "Bridge!" "?" "I pledge allegiance to the flag?" "?" "Of the United States...?" "?" "Of Shelly, Shelly?" "Oh, my God, somebody shoot me in the head!" "Hey, shut up, tubby!" "Don't call me fat!" "Now, you guys are not supposed to be in here!" "You get out now and respect my authority!" "Ow!" "Yeah, dude, that was hot!" "This guitar rocks, man!" "It rocks!" "What do you think, Shelly?" "Honestly?" "I think you guys need some work." "Oh, really?" "I just think your sound is kind of..." ""last week"." "Well, I'd like to see you do any better, bitch!" "Well, I do have a song I wrote." "Okay, why don't you sing it for us?" "No, Skylar, I'm embarrassed!" "Hey, man, don't be shy!" "Well, okay..." "I'll try." "But I'm not promising anything." "One, two, three, four!" "?" "So much pain in the world today?" "?" "Too many turds are heading my way?" "?" "But we can flush the turds together?" "?" "Passing by turds whenever?" "?" "Don't you know it's a...?" "?" "Life's so void of happiness?" "?" "Feel free to mark my words?" "?" "But me and you will my love do?" "?" "In a world that's full of turds, turds?" "?" "My love doesn't think they're lovin', turds?" "Mom, the baby-sitter has her boyfriend over!" "Oh no, no, no, that's impossible, hon." "I told her no visitors." "Well, there's a whole crappy band here." "Can you hear them?" "Yeah, can you hear them?" "?" "..." "loving' turd, turds!" "?" "This party is very loud, poopykins- you'll have to speak up!" "Dammit, her boyfriend is here." "Don't you believe me?" "Not really, hon." "Mom has to go now" "I'll be home in about an hour." "Oh, oh!" "Mr. Mackey!" "I'll never be able to prove that son-of-a-bitch was here!" "My Speak 'n Record bear." "Of course!" "?" "In a world that's full of turds?" "?" "Turds?" "Dude, this is gay!" "Shut up!" "You shut up." "Your girlfriend is not joining our band." "Yeah, dude, what the hell's wrong with you anyway?" "She's like, 12!" "You guys get out!" "Don't question my love!" "My love is as pure as morning snow!" "Get out, I said!" "Testing, testing, one-two..." "Testing, testing, one-two..." "Sweet." "We're gonna go outside to watch the meteor shower" "I'm locking you in your room till we get back in, turd." "Okay, see you in a while." "What?" "Will you tell me what it looked like?" "The meteor shower?" "They mostly come every few years... mostly." "What the hell is wrong with you?" "How come you're not yelling and whining?" "Well, I just..." "I kind of like having you around." "What?" "No, you don't!" "No, I'm serious." "See, I never had a brother or sister." "I think people that have a brother or sister don't realize how lucky they are." "Sure, they fight a lot, but to know that there's always somebody there, somebody that's family..." "I wonder if... well, maybe sometimes," "I could pretend like you're my big sister." "And you could kind of, watch over me, you know like, we could watch a meteor shower together sometime." "And I could pretend I'm somebody's brother, if only for a day." "All right, get your turd coat." "You can come see the meteor shower with us." "Y" " You mean it?" "But don't bug me and Skylar." "Come on!" "Hoo-ray!" "Yes, I'm gonna have you and your boyfriend's voices on my Speak 'n Record bear, and then you'll mostly never baby-sit me again... mostly." "Yes, yes, what a beautiful night!" "It is Saturday, the 12th at 10:45, and my mother is away at a party right now..." "Shut up, turd!" "That, of course, is the voice of my baby-sitter" "Shelly Marsh, age 12." "What are you doing?" "I'm just thinking out loud." "Do you have anything to say, Skylar," "Shelly's boyfriend, who is sitting right here?" "Go away, turd." "I'm sorry, did you say something Skylar?" "Yeah, come on, give it up!" "No!" "Give it up, babe!" "No!" "Come on, baby!" "No, skylar, I'm not putting out for you!" "Why the hell not?" "'Cause I'm 12!" "You're not gonna put out for me?" "No!" "Well, then, screw you, bitch!" "I've got plenty of other girlfriends that will!" "What?" "But I thought you liked me!" "If you're not putting out, then I'm movin' on." "There's plenty of chicks like you out there." "Screw you, prude bitch." "Me and my bad-ass guitar are going home-hasta!" "Gotcha!" "?" "Oh, yeah, oh, yeah, wicky-wicky, Wild West.?" "Shelly, guess who's busted!" "?" "Hey, I said, guess who's busted!" "?" "You're not gonna trick me." "I got the goods on you!" "I don't care!" "He acted like he really liked me." "Nobody's ever liked me before!" "I can't believe I trusted him!" "I'm so stupid!" "But, dude, he's 22!" "Wh-What were you doing with him anyway?" "Nobody my age would go out with me 'cause I'm too ugly!" "You're not ugly!" "You don't think so?" "Well, you're pretty ugly, but you don't have to be dating 22-year-olds." "I mean, what kind of scumbag asshole dates 12-year-old girls?" "You're right, he is a scumbag!" "I wish I could get him back." "I just don't know how." "Well, I could ask Artemus Cloud Frog." "He would know." "Huh!" "?" "If you want, I could help you." "Really?" "You would do that?" "Just let me get my cowboy hat." "What the hell is this!" "?" "ERIC Help me!" "Help me!" "This is Salma Hayek." "Is anybody there?" "Salma Hayek?" "Whoa, she's hot!" "Okay, it's clear!" "Over here!" "Please come quick!" "We don't have much time!" "This won't take me long!" "Hurry up in there!" "I'm almost done!" "Hello?" "Hello, Mrs. Hayek?" "Over here, please help me!" "I am lost, and I have no clothes!" "No clothes, right!" "I'm over here, please help me!" "I will reward you greatly." "I'm right here, Ms. Hayek." "Oh, please help me!" "What the...?" "Please help me." "I will give you tacos." "Dude, somebody tricked me!" "I'll make you pay for making me come out here, goddammit!" "Stupid asshole stuffed animals trying to ruin my night!" "My guitar!" "No...!" "That was so cool!" "I wish we could've seen his face." "Thanks for all your help, Eric." "You know, as far as turds go, you're okay!" "Oh, my God!" "They're having a cat orgy!" "You are all very bad kitties!" "That is a bad, bad kitty!" "Your mom's gonna be home soon." "We're gonna get busted!" "Come on, kitties, outside, come on." "That's it, come on, come on!" "Uh-oh." "You two ruined my career." "I'm gonna get you!" "Oh!" "What..." "What are you doing!" "?" "Oh, you ripped my pants off..." "Oh, my God!" "I'm not a cat!" "Come on, we've gotta get the house clean before your mom gets home." "You know, Eric, it's kind of cool that two people who hated each other can be friends." "Yeah, I think we get along okay." "Hi, kids, I'm home!" "Mom, I can explain." "It was all Shelly's fault!" "She didn't watch the cat!" "No, it was Eric's fault." "He let these cats in here!" "Ooh, what a party that was!" "Wow, she passed out!" "Luckily for us, my mom's a total lush!" "Well, let's clean up the house." "Looks like everything turned out okay!" "That's how it goes in the wild, wild, west!" "?" "Well, I'm a bad-ass cowboy living in the cowboy days?" "?" "Wicky-wicky scratch yo-yo bang-bang?" "?" "Me and artemus Cloud Frog go save Salma Hayek" "?" "From the big metal spider?" "?" "Wicky-wicky wick wicky-wicky wick?" "?" "Fresh cowboy from the west side?" "?" "Wicky-wicky scratch yo-yo bang-bang?" "?" "Me and Artemus Cloud Frog go save Salma party pants?" "?" "Go down to... where...?"