" Ma, you want some dinner?" " Forget dinner." "Listen up." "I've got something in this old-lady purse thas gonna make you scream, holler and jump for joy." "Are the batteries included?" "Hang on, because the four of us are gonna be contestants on Grab That Dough." "Grab That D..." "Ma, do you mean that ridiculous game show where people humiliate themselves for the sake of a lousy dollar?" " Thas the one." " Yeah." " I don't believe this." " We're gonna be on TV?" "I tried to get us on that show for six months." "Grab That Dough is my favourite game show." "Mine, too." "And I think Guy Corbin is the cutest host on TV." "He's like Gene Rayburn, Chuck Woolery and Bob Eubanks rolled into one." "Thas an awful lot of teeth and polyester." " Sophia, when are we gonna be on?" " We tape tomorrow in Hollywood." "Hollywood, California?" "No, Rose." "Hollywood on the planet Remulak." " Wait." "What do you mean, tomorrow?" " Thas what it says on these tickets." " They have to give us more time than that." " Ma." "These tickets were sent out four months ago." "You gave them the wrong address." "Oh, yeah." "Here it is." "My old address from Sicily." ""Two miles west of Palermo, underneath the old bridge."" " You used to live under a bridge?" " Yeah." "We were wealthy." "Most people didn't have a bridge to live under." "Well, isn't that a shame?" "We won't be able to go." "Why not?" "You three have a pressing engagement with a cheesecake?" " There's money involved here." " You know what, girls?" "She's right." "We could catch the redeye, be in Hollywood tomorrow morning." "By tomorrow afternoon, we would all be ready to..." "Grab that dough." "Grab that dough." "Grab that dough." "Grab that..." "I can't believe that stupid airline lost our luggage." "What are we gonna do?" "Ask Blanche-she's the expert on checking into hotels without luggage." "You." " I can't believe somebody stole our bags." " Honey, don't worry about it." "With all the money we'll win, you can replace everything in 'em." " What about my bags?" " Relax." "With your share, you can have your bags surgically removed." " Les go to our rooms and get some sleep." " Good idea." "Good morning." "My name is Nancy." "How may I help you?" "We have two double rooms reserved under the name Zbornak." "I'm afraid I just gave those two rooms away." " But we had a reservation." " Until 3am." "You're late." "Therefore the reservation is null and void." "I'm sorry." "Thas company policy." "Yeah?" "Well, I'm from Sicily." "You know what our company policy is?" " First I break your knees..." " Ma, Ma." "Forget about the reservation." "Just give us two double rooms." "I'm afraid we're all booked up." "First you give away our rooms, and now you're booked up?" " Thas correct, madam." " It is?" "I'm pretty sharp for three in the morning." "Let me handle this." "Nancy, honey, I don't generally like to throw my name around, but you really leave me no choice." "It so happens that I am Miss Angie Dickinson." "Now, if you don't mind, I would like two rooms." "You don't look like Angie Dickinson to me." "I know." "I have altered my appearance for a very important movie role." "Yeah, is about a woman who eats her way from behind the Iron Curtain." "I think we'd just better go to another hotel." "I'm afraid that would be an exercise in futility." "There's not a vacant room in the city." "Girls, this is terrible." "I mean, we're gonna be on national television in seven hours." "We don't have any clothes or a place to sleep." "Look, I sympathise with your problem." "For $ 75, you can sleep in the lobby, and I won't have you arrested for loitering." "$ 75?" "Thas a lot of money." "I know, ma'am." "Thas why I want it." "Gee, this is just great." "I mean, everything this whole night has been nothing but fun." "You really need to get out more, Rose." "Come on, Dorothy, admit you're having fun." " Ls kinda like being on an adventure." " An adventure?" "My foot." "Ls more like a nightmare." "We're gonna go on national television in clothes we slept in." "We'll look like hell." "We'll be exhausted." "We won't be able to answer any questions." "Would you stop complaining?" "We've got it easy." "Back in Sicily, I was on a game show." "It was Torture." " What was it called?" " I just told you, Torture." "Mussolini asked the questions, and you'd better have the right answers." "Things like, "Who do you like better-me or Hitler?"" ""Who's got the snappiest boots - me or Hitler?"" ""Who's got the cuter girlfriend - me or Hitler?"" "And you always had to answer, "Mussolini."" "Otherwise, they forced you to play the lightning round." "They used real lightning." "Come on, Ma." "You're making this up." "Like hell I did." "Goodson-Todman brought it to the US, changed a few rules and called it Tattletales." "Now, count your blessings and go to sleep." "Good night." "Fernando, you naughty boy." "Not the feather." "Blanche, wake up." "People are looking at you." "What?" "I'm sorry." "I think I was having an erotic dream." "Your father used to do a thing with feathers when we were first married." "But he was too lazy to pull them off the chicken, so I put an end to that." "Ma, listen, next time you have an urge to stroll down memory lane, do me a favour-go by yourself." "What time are we supposed to be at the studio?" "I don't know." "I have to check the tickets." "Hand me my purse, Dorothy." "I don't have your..." "Wait a minute." "You have mine." " I gave them to you." " I think my purse is missing, too." "So is mine." "You know what this means?" "Somebody snuck in here while we were asleep and..." "Grabbed our dough." "I'm sorry, ladies, but without a description, there's absolutely nothing we can do." "But if you remember anything, give me a call." "How about if I just wanna say hello?" "Dorothy, I'm in the ladies' room, I look in my brassiere." "What do you think I find?" "Hopefully what we all find when we look in our brassieres." "Please." "I haven't been able to find those since I nursed your brother Phil." "But I did find the tickets to the game show." " Sophia." " You're kidding." " I forgot, I put them there for safekeeping." " Ma, I could just kiss you." "Not until we locate a toothbrush, OK?" "It is high time something went right on this trip." "Now all we have to do is figure out a way to get to the studio." "We can always walk." "Ls only 39 blocks." " If we start now, we can get there in time." " I have a better idea." "We can hitchhike." "I can lift up my skirt, like in that Clark Gable movie, It Happened One Night." " We'll have a ride in no time." " Please." "You lift up your skirt, and someone might mistake your thigh for the on-ramp to the freeway." "Les hit it." "Hello." "Wow." "Aren't you Tiffany Blaine?" "The lady on Grab That Dough who stands in front of stuff and does this." " Yes, I am." " How do you do?" "I'm Dorothy Zbornak." "This is my mother Sophia Petrillo." "These are my friends Rose and Blanche." "We're competing on today's show." "Well, hello, Tiffany." "It is such a pleasure to meet you, honey." "I thought those pictures of you in that sleazy girlie magazine were so tastefully done." "By the way, was that a real English bobby spanking you there in front of Big Ben?" "Now, ladies, would you like to meet the other contestants?" "Look, look." "There's Guy Corbin." "What a hunk." "That man makes my Ovaltine boil." "Good morning, ladies, and welcome to our show." "I'm Guy Corbin, and this morning, I've arranged something especially for you - fresh-ground coffee and prune Danish." "Why don't you tell them all about it right now?" "OK." " Can I have a word with you just a minute?" " Of course." "I've been talking to the other two contestants, the Kaplan brothers, and I have learned some very interesting things." "Number one-they have won over $40,000 in cash and prizes on various game shows." "Dorothy, I think you and I should team up with them." "Blanche, thas impossible." "That would mean dumping Ma and Rose." "Ls a terrible thing to do, and I feel awful thinking about it, but if we team up with Fred and Willard, we stand a much better chance of winning." "I am shocked that you would even suggest it." "Dorothy." "Your mother and Rose are dead weight." "Let us cut them loose before they drag us down." "Blanche, you expect me to betray one of my dearest friends, not to mention my own mother, just so that we can win a few extra dollars?" " Yes." " OK, I'll do it." "All right, everyone, we're about to go on the air." "Now, les divide up into teams." "And remember to jump up and down and scream a lot." " Come on, Dorothy, we're on." " Sophia, Rose." "There's something you ought to know." "Dorothy and I are teaming up with the Kaplan brothers." "The Kaplan brothers?" "You mean, you and Dorothy are joining a country-western band?" "Thas the Gatlin Brothers, Rose." "The Kaplan brothers are those gentlemen there." "You're dumping me and Rose for those two yutzes?" "Ma, believe me, is for the best." "If we split up, we double our chances of going home with something." "Cut the bull." "You don't want us cos you think we're stupid." "30 seconds to air." "Take your places, please." "Don't be mad, Ma." "Get bent." "We're gonna cream you." "Yeah." " We're gonna maul you." " Yeah." " We're gonna beat you into the ground." " Yeah." "OK, I'll give you Rose and $50 for your dumbest Kaplan brother." "Ls time to play Grab That Dough." "With your host Guy Corbin." "Thank you." "Hello, everybody." "Welcome to Grab That Dough." "The show where all you really need to know to win is how to make a fist." "Les meet our lucky contestants." "First on the Green Team, we have Dorothy Zbornak." "An English teacher originally from Brooklyn, New York, she now lives in Miami with her mother, who will gladly pay anyone who will take her out for a date." "Our second contestant is an artist with an incredible body." "She runs her own muzeum, speaks Chinese and hopes to sail around the world before she turns 40." "Wow, that must be a typo." "Welcome Blanche Devereaux." "Our next two contestants are brothers from Milwaukee, Wisconsin..." "Blanche, that entire introduction was nothing but lies." "I know, and they just loved it." "Did you hear that applause?" "Is that all you care about?" "Money and applause?" "And sex." "For which I generally get applause." "Our next contestant is a family counsellor." "She originally hails from St Olaf, Minnesota, where she was voted "The Girl Most Likely to get Stuck in a Tuba"." "Welcome Rose Nylund." "And last but not least is a grandmother of six" " Sophia Petrillo." "Sophia, it says here that you and Dorothy are mother and daughter." "No, Guy." "Rose is my daughter now." "And you, Dorothy, are the biggest disappointment since the AMC Pacer." "Say, is time to play Grab That Dough." "Hands on buzzers." "Les begin with our trivia lightning round." ""What famous Tennessee Williams play was recently made into a film by Paul Newman?"" " Willard?" " I'm sorry." " Rose?" " Was it The Glass Menagerie?" "Thas correct, for 100 points." ""What innovative industrialist invented the assembly line?"" " Willard?" " I'm sorry." "I did it again." " Sophia?" " Henry Ford." "Thas correct." "For another 100 points, who is the current secretary of state?" " Willard?" " Charles Schulz." "He created Peanuts." "I thought that was George Washington Carver." "Willard, don't ever touch your buzzer again." "Rose?" " Is the correct answer George Schulz?" " Thas correct." "Rose is on a roll, and the Blue Team is leading 300 to nothing." "All right." " Shut up, Nylund." " You shut up." "Why don't you both shut up and answer this next question?" "For 100 points, complete this famous saying: "Better late than..."" " Blanche?" " Pregnant." "Thas incorrect." "But certainly not untrue." " Rose?" " Guy... is it "Better late than never"?" "Right you are, Rose." "That signals the end of the trivia lightning round." "The Blue Team leads with 400 points, while the Green Team trails with a big, fat zero." "We'll be right back to take a spin on the Big Money wheel right after this commercial message." " We're clear." " Thanks." "So, Dorothy, how does it feel to have a big, fat zero?" " We'll catch up." " I wasn't talking about your score." "I was talking about your partner." "So we're too dumb, huh?" "We're gonna whip your heinies." " The game's not over yet, Nylund." " It is for you, Devereaux." " Five seconds." " Come on." "Once again, here's Guy Corbin." "Thank you very much." "Welcome back." "Ls time to spin the Big Money wheel on Grab That Dough." "Spinners, mosey on down." "We'll start first with Blanche from the Green Team." "Blanche, show us your stuff." " You first, Mr Game Show Host." " Blanche, spin the wheel." "You're landing on..." ""Grab that dough."" "Yes, Blanche, you landed on "grab that dough"." "You know what that means?" " Yeah." "We're shafted." " Thas right, Sophia." "The Green Team automatically wins a chance to grab that dough in our Magic Money machine." "Come this way." "Now, Green Team, you'll have 15 seconds to grab as much money as you can." " Who's going to grab today?" " I'm going to grab today, Guy." "Wonderful, Dorothy." "You ought to make quite a haul with those meat hooks." "Tiffany, les have our Big Money smock and the Big Money goggles." "Remember, Dorothy, you need to grab $500 to beat the Blue Team and get a chance at whas behind the window." " Ready?" " OK." "She's all ready to grab that dough." "Dorothy, Dorothy, Dorothy." "More." "More." "Time's up." "Les see how she did." "Help her out." "OK, Dorothy, les see how you did." "100, 200, 300, 400, 500..." "Six, seven, eight... $900." "And the Green Team makes a miraculous comeback and wins the game." "Blue Team, we don't want you to go away empty-handed." "You have $400" " Thas $100 apiece - and you have the home version of Grab That Dough." "Which attaches to any vacuum cleaner." " Thank you for being with us." " Cram it, piano teeth." "Now, Green Team, what are you going to do with all that dough?" "Keep it?" "Or trade it for whas behind one of our windows?" "I say les go for the window." "No, we have to discuss this with everyone." "OK, Guy, we're gonna go for whas behind the window." "Will you take window one?" "Window two?" "Or window three?" " Window three, Guy." " All right." "But first, les see what you didn't pick." "Behind window one - brand-new living room furniture." "Retail price for this magnificent prize - $12,000." "But thas not what you picked." "Thanks for pointing that out, Guy." "You're welcome, Dorothy." "Les see whas behind window two." "Ls a brand-new car." "Yes, is a beautiful sports car you've always dreamed of." "Retail price - $ 23,000." "Now, Dorothy, Blanche, Willard and Fred, is time to see what you did pick." "Are you ready?" " Yes." " We're ready, yes." "Because have I got something for you - a brand-new... electric skillet." "A what?" "An electric skillet." "Ls from Fry Quick." "It not only fries, it boils, it bakes, it simmers." "It stinks." "My apologies to the Fry Quick Corporation." "But, Green Team, we're not finished with you yet." "You need something to go in that skillet." "A car." "We've won a car." "No." "A lifetime supply of soup." "Yes, is soup, soup and more soup." "Every kind you can imagine." "And is yours for the rest of your lifetime." "Well, thas our show for today, folks." "Contestants, come on down and give a Grab That Dough goodbye." "Goodbye, everybody." "Thank goodness we're home." "That was the worst trip ever." " Blanche, how can you say that?" " How can she say that?" "We lost our luggage, we slept in a hotel lobby, our purses were stolen." "We won zippo on the game show." "But we still have our friendship." "We made up on the plane." "There was nothing else to do." "It was either that or watch ¡ Three Amigos!" "With a headset." "Well, I am gonna forget all about this while soaking in a nice, warm tub." " Me too." " Rose, we only have one tub." " I get the deep end." " Rose." "Ma." "Ma, you're still mad at me, aren't you?" "Dorothy, you let greed cloud your judgment." "Money blinded you." "You turned your back on the people you love." "You did a terrible, terrible thing." "Ls unforgivable." "Ma, isn't there anything I can do to make it up to you?" " Give me $100." " Make it 50." "Done." "I love ya."