"He's working." "I hate them." "I hate Frumpies potato chips so much, I can't stop eating them." "And I keep eating Frumpies until I love them... which I hope is never." " Thank you." " Thank you." "Thank you very much, Mr. Bell." "Mr. Gilbert is next." "Right." "Mr. Gilbert!" "I mean, I think the accent could work for us." "Bearing in mind the... business, you know." " Hello." " Hi." "How are you?" "Fine, thank you." "Mr. Gilbert, this is our director, Mr. Walsk..." "Mr. Blair, Mr. Ott, Miss Baker, and Miss Hall." " You saw the copy?" " I looked through it." "Whenever you're ready." "Boy!" "I hate them!" "I hate Frumpies potato chips so much, I can't stop eating them." "And I'll keep on eating Frumpies till I love them... which, I hope, will be never." "Would you mind eating the potato chip, please?" "I can't." "I got gallstones." "Right." " Okay, thank you for your..." " Willy Clark?" "Give me five more minutes." "He's on his way." " He left 20 minutes ago." " He's 40 minutes late already." "If he's not here by 11:00, forget it." "Crazy freaking old man!" "Sir." " What is it?" " I'm here." "Willy Clark." " So?" " Willy Clark." "I'm here." " Here to pick up a car?" " What?" " You here to pick up a car?" " What do I need a car for?" " Then what do you want?" " I'm here." "The potato chips." "I'm here for the potato chip commercial." "Willy Clark." "This is a garage." " What is this?" " Let me see that." " This looks like a garage to me." " Is this the address you're looking for?" " Yeah." " The Danzig Advertising Agency?" " That's it." " 354 East 43rd Street." "This is West 43rd." "You want East." " This is not the agency?" " You didn't hear what I just said?" "This is West Side." "You want the East Side." "Is my nephew here?" "Ben Clark?" "He'll fix it." "I don't handle the business." "What are you, deaf or something?" "Look, you got to go across town." "I don't make commercials." "I fix transmissions." "Why don't you take a look?" "Maybe in the back they make the commercials." " Pops, take a walk." "I'm very busy." " It wouldn't kill you to look, would it?" "East!" "East 43rd Street, for Christ's sake." "East!" "Don't get fresh with me!" "I got a few years on you before you get fresh with me." "Sends me to a garage." "Right!" "Turn it to the right!" "The right!" "Turn it to the right!" "Pull it!" "The other way!" "East!" "Don't tell me!" "I've lived in New York all my life!" "Okay, very nice." "Thank you." " Is that it?" " That's it." "There's one no-show, Willy Clark." "You wanna wait?" "No way." "The man can't remember lines." "Drove me crazy last year with the corn flakes." "My first choice would be the guy with the Kraut accent." "He's here." "He just got here." "He got held up in traffic." "I told you." "Uncle Willy, in here." "Where were you?" "You're over an hour late!" "I was on time." "You sent me over to a garage all the way on the West Side." " Who told you to go to there?" " It's on the paper." "No, it isn't." "It says East 43rd." "I didn't trust you." "You always make mistakes." "I've got three minutes left." "Do you wanna try this once?" " Who's this?" " This is Mr. Walsk." "He's the director." " Mr. Walsk, Willy Clark." " How do you do?" "I'm Willy Clark." "We met." "You auditioned for me last year." "I don't remember that." "When was that?" "Last year?" "Yes, that was last year." "Mr. Clark, I am very short on time here." "I literally have about three minutes... so if you'd like to do it once, that's about it." "I'm ready." "I know the whole thing." "Anytime you say." " Just give me 10 minutes." " I don't have 10 minutes, Mr. Clark." "He's ready, Mr. Walsk." "If you'll just stand right over there, where everyone can see you." " There." " Where?" " There is fine." " Over here?" "Yes." "How about over here?" "The light is better here." "Don't worry about the light." "We're not shooting yet." "I can see you fine there." "You're the director." "I just thought that maybe you'd like it better over there." "Give him the bag." "What's this?" "It's the product, Mr. Clark." "The potato chips." "You got a fresher bag?" "This one is soggy." "Mr. Clark, I have three minutes left." "Do you want to do this or not?" "He's only got three minutes." "I heard the man." "I'm not deaf." "I'm a professional." "I'm ready whenever he's ready, but the bag was soggy." "Okay, Mr. Clark, I'm ready." "Now, if you'll take a bite of the potato chip and read the copy." " The what?" " The copy." "They didn't give you the copy?" "You didn't give it to him?" " The lines, Uncle Willy." " The lines." "Certainly." "Why didn't he say so?" "I didn't know what the hell copy was." "You ready?" "I'm ready." "I swear to God I'm ready." "Just bite the potato chip and begin, please." " What do I say?" " Forget it." "Thank you very much, Mr. Clark." "Get me the guy with the beard, or the Kraut." "Doesn't matter." "Mr. Clark, a real pleasure seeing you again." " Thank you very much." " Please, Mr. Walsk." "As a favor to me, let him read through the commercial one time." "By the time he finishes reading, potatoes will be an endangered species." " I'm ready again." "I remembered." " I don't care!" "Just as a courtesy." "He was one of the biggest stars in vaudeville." "He deserves one reading." "If the man can't work, why doesn't he retire?" "Mr. Walsk, don't do this to me." "Please." "I'll pay you to let him read." "Once." "Let him read through it, and that's it." " And I'll be damned if I'll listen." " Here, Uncle Willy." "Read it from this." " I don't need it." "I remember the lines." " Read it!" " Get out, Ben, I got my own copy." " Where is it?" "Where did I put it?" "Here." "Just read it through once and don't stop, okay?" "You don't have to tell me." "I'm a professional." "I'm in this business 57 years." " Sends me to a garage." " Okay, Mr. Clark." "I hate them." " I hate Chumpies potato chips..." " Frumpies." "I hate them." " I hate Frunchies potato chips so much..." " Frumpies!" " Frunkies potato chips..." " Frumpies!" "Can't you just say "Frumpies"?" "If it was funny, I would say it." "So what do you think?" "About what?" "The money." "How much money you think they want to pay me?" "Who?" "The potato chips." "I'm not doing it unless the money is right." "You think they're going to hire you?" "You come an hour late, can't remember the address or the lines." "I remembered the lines." "The name of the potato chips I couldn't remember." " What was it again?" " Frumpies." " Say it again." " Frumpies!" "Still can't remember it 'cause it's not funny." "I'm in this business 57 years." "You learn a few things." "You know what makes an audience laugh." "You know which words are funny and which words are not." "You told me 100 times." "I have to get to the office." " Which words are funny?" " Words with a "K" in it." "I have to get to the office." "Words with a "K" in it." "You didn't know that, did you?" "I'll tell you which words always get a laugh." " "Alka-Seltzer"?" " "Alka-Seltzer" is funny." " "Chicken"?" " "Chicken" is funny." " "Pickle." - "Pickle" is funny." "All with a "K."" ""L's" are not funny. "M's" are not funny." " Just "K's." I know." " "Cupcake" is funny." ""Tomatoes" is not funny." ""Lettuce" is not funny." "You've explained that to me since I was five." " I've got to get back to the office." " "Cucumber" is funny." "It's getting cold out." "I'm gonna give you money." "Take a cab." " "Cab" is funny." " Are you listening to me?" ""Cockroach" is funny." "Not getting them, saying them." " Will you listen to me?" " A little respect." "How about some respect for me?" "I'm also a human being." "We'll see." "You're young." "You got time yet." " Please cut that out." " Can I have my mail, please?" "Please cut it out!" "How many times I have to tell you?" "Don't hit the bell." "What's the matter con you?" "Give me my mail, I won't hit the bell." " No mail." " What do you mean, no mail?" "I say no mail." "What's the matter?" "Don't you understand English?" "When you speak it, I'll understand it." ""What's the matter con you?" Chumpies." "Glunkies." "I hate them." "Klunkies..." "Tells me over there, the Spanish kid, he tells me I have no mail." "He probably stole it." "They stole my shoes last week." "Three pairs of good shoes." "Who would want your shoes?" "I get important mail." "We're stuck!" "Spanish kid!" "You live in a crappy hotel, you get a crappy elevator!" "Aren't you going to answer it?" "It's him. 2:00 in the morning." " How do you know it's him?" " I know." " Listen to it." " Ben, answer the phone!" " Hello?" " Who's this?" "Ben?" " What's wrong, Uncle Willy?" " That you, Ben?" " You called me, didn't you?" " Don't yell." " Do you know what time it is?" " What?" " Do you know what..." " You'll wake the children." "Do you know what time it is?" "What time it is." "10:15." "10:15?" "Try 2:05" "Why should I try 2:05 when it's 10:15?" "It's not 10:15!" "It's 2:05 in the morning." "You didn't wind your clock again today, did you?" "No." "So because you didn't wind your clock, I have to get up at 2:00 in the morning." "I'm sorry, I didn't realize." "Are you sleeping now?" "How could I be sleeping when I'm up talking to you?" "So, as long as you're up, did you hear from the potato chips?" "Yes." "They said they're not interested." "Positively?" "I'm sorry, Uncle Willy." "I'll keep looking, I promise." "But not tonight." "Let's all get some sleep." "I'll be up to see you Wednesday." "Helen sends her love." " Good night, Uncle Willy." " When are you coming up?" "Wednesday?" "Yeah." "Probably Wednesday." "Good night, Willy." "All right, I won't bother you anymore." "See you Wednesday." "Don't forget my Variety and the cigars." "You listening?" "And tell the potato chips I turned them down." "I'm not interested anymore." "To hell with all of them." "We've got a deal, if you think you can deliver them." "They're both dying to work together." "Nothing's come along until this that's excited them." "I'll have the contract signed and on your desk by Monday." "But when I think of what Jim has done to Jessie" "And he's not really sorry, I can tell" "When a man is caught on alcohol, he's a whole other person" "He doesn't want to admit" "Hello?" "Who's this?" "Never mind." "It's the tea." "He was drinking when I first knew him, but it was never like this" "And even now, I suppose there are one or two days when he doesn't take a drink but I don't know" "We'll be back with General Hospital right after this brief message from Lipton tea" "Don't worry, I'm not going anyplace." "And now for part three of today's General Hospital" "What happened to part two?" "I miss part two?" " Uncle Willy, it's me." " Who's that?" " Ben!" " Ben, is that you?" " Yes, Willy, it's me." "Ben." "Open the door." " Wait a minute." " Wait a minute." " What's the matter?" "Wait a minute!" " What's wrong?" " I'm locked in." "The lock is broken." "I'm locked in." "Go down and tell the Spanish kid." "Tell him in Spanish." "They'll get somebody." "It's not broken." "You just have to slide it out." " Don't force it." " What?" "Uncle Willy, do you hear me?" "Don't try to..." "Uncle Willy!" "Do you hear me?" "Don't try to force, just slide it out." "Don't force it." "It's open." "Never mind." "I fixed it myself." " You probably have to oil it." " I think I have to oil it." "I didn't think of that." "Jesus." "It's cold in here." "Don't they ever send up any steam?" "In July, they send up steam." "What the hell is wrong with this?" "Come on, you piece of crap!" "Work, already!" "Uncle Willy, I have to talk to you." "Lousy Japs." "They lost the war, so they send us their junk." "I have to talk to you." "It's very important." "I just came from the most exciting meeting..." " What are you doing?" " What?" "The doctor said you can't smoke cigars anymore." "Who's smoking?" "Do you see smoke coming from the cigar?" " But you got it in your mouth." " I'm rehearsing." "I'll do the show later." " ABC called me this..." " How do you like that?" "Sol Burton died." " Who?" " Sol Burton, songwriter." "89 years old, and he went just like that, from nothing." "Anyway, ABC called me..." "You know what kind of songs he wrote?" "Shit." "Lady, lady, be my baby" ""Lady" rhymes with "baby." No wonder he's dead." "Will you put down Variety and listen to me?" "I left three clients in my office so I could come here." "That makes four of us out of work." "How's the children?" "Since when are you interested in my children?" "You haven't seen them in a year." "You don't even remember their names." " Milly and Sidney." " Amanda and Michael." "What's the matter?" "You didn't like Milly and Sidney?" "You forgot, so you made something up." "You forget everything, like buying fresh food." "Listen." "ABC called..." "Do they know who I am, what a great star I was?" " Who?" " Amanda and Sifkin." "Amanda and Michael." "They're 3 years old." "They don't remember vaudeville." "Why is it I only get aggravated when I come over here to see you?" "If you want, I'll meet you someplace else." "Is that supposed to be funny?" "I don't think that's funny." "If you had a sense of humor, you'd think it was funny." " I have a terrific sense of humor!" " Like your father." "He laughed once in 1932." "Why couldn't you get me this commercial?" "You forgot you auditioned?" "You kept calling it toilet paper." "Will you listen to me?" "Please listen to me." "I heard." "You got a call from NBC." " ABC!" " Same thing." "ABC is doing a big television special next month." "It's an hour-and-a-half variety show with the biggest names in show business." "The theme of the show is the history of comedy... dating from Greek theater, through vaudeville, up to today's stars." "What's the theme of the show?" "The theme of the show is the history of comedy... dating from Greek theater, through vaudeville, up to today's stars." " Why couldn't you get me on that show?" " I got you on that show." " Alone?" " $10,000." " Alone?" " Gonna be the biggest show of the year." " Alone." " No." " With Lewis?" " Yes." " Then you ain't got me on the show." " Will you let me finish?" " You're finished." "It's no." " Can't we discuss it?" " We've discussed it." "I'm busy." " Doing what?" " Not discussing it." " You could have the courtesy..." "You could have the courtesy of hearing me out." "ABC said to me the history of comedy wouldn't be complete... without one of the greatest teams to ever come out of vaudeville:" "Lewis and Clark, the Sunshine Boys." "The vice president said this to me in his office." "The vice president said this?" "He's the greatest Lewis and Clark fan in the country, since he was a kid." "He knows by heart all of your old routines." "Then let him go on with that bastard." "One shot." "One night, you do one of the old sketches." "They pay $10,000 for the team." "That's top money for these shows, I promise you." "I don't need any money." "I live alone." "I got two nice suits." "I don't have a pussycat to bother me." " I'm very happy." " You're not happy." "You're miserable." " Get me a job, I won't be so miserable." " I've tried." "Nobody's worked harder for a client than I have." "Look, you're a nice boy." "You come to visit me every Wednesday." "You bring me lousy soups which I don't eat." "You're a wonderful nephew, but you're a lousy agent." "I'm a good agent, damn it!" "Don't say that to me." "I'm a goddamn good agent!" "I'm getting chest pains." "You give me chest pains." " It's my fault you get excited?" " Yes!" " I only get chest pains on Wednesdays." " So come on Tuesdays." "You know what?" "I'm going." "I don't even want to discuss this anymore." "You're impossible to talk to." "Forget the variety show." "I forgot it." "I'll tell you the truth, Uncle Willy." "Maybe you'd be better off with another agent." "I accept your offer." "Don't call me anymore, will you, please?" "Not for business." "Handle your own affairs, okay?" " From now on, you're just my uncle." " Take care of yourself." "Say hello to Milly and Phyllis." "It's still no!" "What's wrong?" "Who are you calling?" "Ben, it's 1:00 in the morning." " Why won't you do this for me?" " Who's that?" "Ben?" "I'm not asking you to be partners again, but it's just for one night, one last show." "Once you get an exposure like this, Alka-Seltzer will beg me to sign you up." "Jesus!" "How will it look if I go to the office tomorrow... and say I couldn't make a deal with my own uncle?" "My personal opinion?" "Lousy." "Uncle Willy!" "Wait a minute!" "Willy." "Willy Clark!" "Don't make me crazy today." "Will you please stop and wait for me?" "For who?" "Who are you?" "Willy, will you cut it..." "Where are you going?" "You know, a new musical went into rehearsal today... and I didn't get an audition." "Why didn't I get an audition?" "Because the show is all black, and you're not black." "I did black in 1928." "And when I did black, you understood the words." "Not like today." "I spoke to Al Lewis' daughter on the phone." "He's very interested." "What does he know?" "He's senile." " You really hate Al Lewis that much?" " I don't discuss that person anymore." "We have to discuss him." "ABC is waiting for an answer." " Ben, this is it." " This is what?" "CBS." "This is where we did the Ed Sullivan Show." "Six times they had us back, not including reruns." "I remember." "I saw you." "I was here when you did the doctor sketch." " It was terrific." " It wasn't." " Yes, it was." " It wasn't terrific." "It was a classic." "On the nights we were lousy it was terrific." "Then why won't you work with him again for one night?" " Because of artistic differences." " What artistic differences?" "I hate the son of a bitch, that's what artistic differences." " Come on." "I'll buy you lunch." " I had lunch." "Maybe you ate, but you didn't have lunch." "In here, you have lunch." "Hello, Tiny." "How are you?" "When was the last time you saw Al Lewis?" "Eleven years ago." "I'm not discussing it." "Sam, say hello to my nephew." "If he was your agent, you wouldn't be working." " Hello, nephew." " Hello, Sam." "Bring us two Sophie Tuckers and two cream sodas." " I'm not eating anything." " Bring it." "I'll take his home in a bag." "You mean to tell me you haven't spoken to Al Lewis in 11 years?" "I haven't seen him in 11 years." "I haven't spoken to him in 12 years." "You know they still got a sandwich here named after me?" "Look at this." "The number five combination:" "Tongue, hot pastrami, salami, coleslaw, Russian dressing." "A Willy Clark special." "That's a star." "You didn't speak to him for a whole year?" "What about on stage?" "If he played a gypsy, I would speak to the gypsy." "If he played a lunatic, I would speak to the lunatic." "But that bastard, I didn't speak to." "You're not supposed to eat pickles." "It's high sodium." "I'll spit out the sodium." "Thank you." "Just tell me what's wrong with Al Lewis." "He seemed nice enough when I met him." " Did you ever meet him?" " I just said I did." "I was 13 years old." "It was backstage at some benefit." "I forget the theater." "He was very sweet to me." "Maybe he thought you were a midget." "He loved them..." " but people, he hated." "Especially partners." " Just the shoes, not the socks, please." "Why?" "What did he do that bothered you so much?" "What did he do?" "He used to give me the finger." " The what?" " The finger!" "He would poke me in the chest with the finger." "I'm telling you, Doctor." "You know what I mean, Doctor?" "You hear what I'm saying, Doctor?" "That hurts, doesn't it?" "43 years." "How would you like that?" "I had a black-and-blue hole in my chest." "Till her dying day, my wife thought it was a tattoo over there." "If you work with him, I'll buy you a padded undershirt." "You think I didn't try?" "Once I put a steel plate under my shirt." "He gave me the finger, he had it in a splint for a month." "Willy, what if I set up a meeting between you two, maybe lunch at Sardi's." "To talk things out?" "I'll be there all the time." "Want to hear other things?" "He used to spit in my face." " On stage, the man would spit in my face." " Not on purpose." "He tells me not on purpose." "If I could have saved the spit, I'd show you." "He would stand there and spit in your face?" "You think he's stupid?" "He'd work it into the act." "He would stand with his nose under my nose... and he would purposely say words only that began with a "T."" "Tootsie roll." "Tinkertoy." " Typing on the typewriter." " Would you please sign in your guest, sir?" "He's not my guest." "He's my nephew." "Some nights I thought I would drown." "I don't know where he got it all from." "I think he would drink all day and save it up for the night." "Don't put this near the steam." "It's corned beef." "What if I put it into the contract... if he pokes you or spits at you, he doesn't get paid?" "He doesn't care." "He would spit at me for free." "Then will you answer me one question?" "If it was all that bad, why did you stick together for 43 years?" " Why?" " Yes, why?" "Because he was terrific." "There'll never be another one like him." "Nobody could time a joke the way he could time a joke." "Nobody could say a line the way he said it." "We each knew what the other was thinking." "One person, that's what we were." "No, no..." "Al Lewis was the best." "The best, you understand?" " I understand." " As an actor, no one could touch him." "As a human being, no one wanted to touch him." "Uncle Willy, people do change." "You know his wife died three years ago?" "He lives with his daughter now, somewhere in New Jersey." "He doesn't do anything anymore." "He's got very bad arthritis, he's got poor blood circulation." "I'll send him a pump." "He'll outlive you, believe me." "I spoke to his daughter." "He wants very much to do this show." "With arthritis?" "Forget it." "Instead of a finger, he'll poke me with a cane." "What if I went out to New Jersey and spoke to him... explained how you felt, see if we could work things out?" "Uncle Willy, do I have your permission to go and speak to him?" " Go speak to him." " Thank you." "But take a towel with you." "I'm sorry." " Mr. Clark?" " Sorry I'm late." "I got off the wrong exit." "Come in." "Dad just got up from his nap." "He's out in the sunroom." "He likes to be up when the children get home." "Mrs. Green, can I ask you a question?" "How is his health?" "I mean, is he up to doing this show if it all works out?" "I think it would be the best thing in the world for him." "And he takes very good care of himself." " He's just a little slow, that's all." " What do you mean, slow?" "He doesn't like to be rushed." "He lets the phone ring eight or nine times before answering it." "He'll take an hour before he opens a letter." "He was always like that." "Just the opposite of Willy." "I always wondered how they put up with each other." "Dad, Mr. Clark is here." "Dad, it's Mr. Clark." "He's here." " What?" " It's Ben Clark, Willy's nephew." "Willy's nephew?" "How do you do, Mr. Lewis?" "I'm Ben Clark, Willy's nephew." "Willy's nephew, Ben." "Sure." "Hello, how are you?" " Fine, sir." " Good, good." "You're Willy's nephew." "Ben, how are you?" "Fine, sir." "Very good." "It was nice of you to see me." "Really?" "When was that?" "Today." " It was nice of you to see me today." " Certainly." "Today is fine." "As a matter of fact, I was expecting you today." "Please sit down, Mr. Clark." " Why doesn't he sit down?" " Thank you very much." " Can I get you anything before I go?" " No, thanks." "I had lunch before I drove out." "Then I'll leave you two alone." "I'll be in the kitchen if you need me." "Thank you." " Can my daughter get you anything?" " No, I had lunch before I drove out." "What did you have?" " What did I have?" " For lunch." "Chicken salad sandwich and a cup of coffee." "I had a fruit compote and cottage cheese." "Can you stay awhile?" "My grandchildren will be home from school soon." "Wendy and Mark." "Yes, if I can." "You know, we met before, a long time ago." "My father took me backstage." "I forget the theater." "It must've been 15 or 20 years ago." "Do you remember that?" "Certainly." "It was backstage." "Maybe 15, 20 years ago." "I forget the theater." " That's right." " Sure, I remember." "Haven't had chicken salad in years." "So, Mr. Lewis, you must be very excited." "I know I am." "About what?" "About working again." "Doing the old act with Uncle Willy." "I did it over 11,000 times." "11,001 doesn't get me excited." "I can tell you ABC is very excited." "We'll see." "How much did you say they were going to pay?" " $10,000 for the team." " That's $5,000 apiece, isn't it?" "That's what it comes to, yes." "I don't have an agent anymore." "He died." " I don't pay commission, you know." " Certainly." "I understand." "Don't mind buying you a little gift, but no commission." "It's okay, really." "Then you agree?" "You're willing to do the show with Uncle Willy?" " He hates my guts, you know." " No, he never said that to me." " What?" " He never said that to me." "How old are you?" "Why?" "I'd like to say something." "How old are you?" "I'm 33." "He called me a son of a bitch bastard." " The kids aren't home yet, are they?" " I don't think so." "Son of a bitch bastard, because I retired." "I just didn't feel like doing the act anymore." " Forty-seven years is enough, isn't it?" " Certainly." " What?" " Certainly." "Eleven thousand times, the same jokes." " Was I wrong for doing what I did?" " Absolutely not." " What?" " Absolutely not." "So why does he say such things about me?" "I don't hate him." " I'm glad to hear that." " I can't stand him, but I don't hate him." "He doesn't hate you either." "I guess he was just upset about breaking up the team... after all those wonderful years." "That's understandable, isn't it?" "No." "Anyway, I'm sure once you two see each other again..." "What did you say?" "$5,000 apiece?" "I don't pay commission, you know." " Yes." " My agent died." " You told me." " And they weren't such wonderful years." "Someday I'll tell you." " I'd love to hear about how you and Uncle..." " Sure, I remember." "It was backstage, maybe 15, 20 years ago." "I forget the theater." "Why didn't you leave a message?" "I looked everywhere." "You purposely went out... so we wouldn't have to talk." "I'll be at the club, playing cards." "No kidding." "Can I speak to you for a minute?" "Where's your manners?" "Don't you say hello?" "This is Arthur Marx, a great young singer... and this is Benny Friedman, a terrific new comic." "How do you do?" " Now can we talk?" " Did you pick up a three of hearts?" "He'll do it." "He's agreed to it all... the money, dates, the doctor sketch." "He agreed to come from New Jersey to rehearse in your hotel... and he was as sweet as he can be." "Now, he's waiting for me to tell him what time to come in... and then I have to call ABC and tell them we have a deal, okay?" " Uncle Willy, are you listening to me?" " I knock with five." "ABC is waiting!" "What's their rush?" "Are they going out of business?" "I'm calling and telling Al Lewis we have..." "Wait a minute, I don't trust him!" "He'll rehearse with me all week... and then he'll walk out just before the show." "That's what he did the last time, the bastard." " He won't walk out." " On the Ed Sullivan Show... he walked out on me." "Retires right in the middle of my career." "A man can retire whenever he wants to." "Yes, but I wasn't ready yet!" "Anyway, he's sick now." "You told me he's got everything wrong with him." "He's well enough to remember his grandchildren's names." " It's ringing." " Sixty-forty." "All right, sixty-forty." "I get $6,000, he gets $4,000." "What the hell can he buy in New Jersey, anyway?" " It's gonna be all right." "I promise you." " Tell him I'm against it." "I want him to know I'll do the show with an "against it."" "He's got to be home." "I told him I would call." "You know what he's doing?" "He's practicing spitting." "Hello, Mr. Lewis." "It's Ben again." "Ben." "Willy Clark's nephew." "He forgot already." "He's got arthritis of the head." " It's okay, Mr. Lewis." "Willy said yes." " Yes, with an "against it."" "No, he's very anxious to do it." "Who's anxious?" "Tell him I'm against it!" "Damn you, nephew!" "Lousy nephew!" "Monday at his hotel." "How's 11:00?" "What is it, a two-hour drive?" "Make it 9:00." "No, that's the television set." "Will you shut up?" "All right, listen to me." "If he spits or he pokes, I'm taking him to court." "You hear me?" "I'm taking him to court." "Listen to me..." "One spit or poke, and I'm gonna take him to court!" "Ten to twenty years for a spit in the face!" "Tell him!" "No toys, telephones... typing on the typewriter!" "...you go down Broadway to 74th Street, the Ansonia Hotel." "Ben Clark." "Willy Clark's nephew." " My God, they're both the same!" " I'm going back to the game." " Are you nervous?" " Me?" "Nervous?" "Why should I be nervous?" " What time you want me to pick you up?" " Call me, every hour on the hour." "Hello, is this the Spanish kid?" "Willy Clark." "Listen, don't tell my nephew that I'm home." "No, not..." "No enchilada." "Tell him I went out." "I'm out." "I'm not here, you understand?" "I'm not here." " Wait." "Who's that?" " Uncle Willy, it's Ben." "He's here." "Never mind, idiot." " Uncle Willy." " Ben, is that you?" "Yes, open up." "Wait a minute." " You're alone, or he's with you?" " I'm alone." " You sure?" " Yes, I'm sure." "Wait a minute." " Slide it, don't push it." " Wait a minute, I'll push it." "Don't push it." "Slide it." "Slide it." " I think you're supposed to slide it." " I rushed like crazy." "I didn't want him here before me." " Did he call or anything?" " Who?" "You're parked too close." "It's filthy here." " Do you want me to go in with you?" " No, just wait till I get to the lobby." "Probably get mugged." "He's late." "He's purposely coming late to aggravate me." "He's not late." "It's two minutes after 11:00." "So what is he, early?" "I'm telling you, he's late." "I was up at 8:00 in the morning and dressed." "You call that dressed?" "You're half-dressed!" "So for him I should get all dressed?" " Why didn't you shave?" " Get me the Schick commercial, I'll shave." "I think I got hepatitis." "Here, look how green I look." "Wonder if I should call him." "Maybe he's sick." "You believe he's sick." "But me, you don't believe." "Maybe you should become his nephew." "Will you stop it, Uncle Willy, and behave yourself?" "What do you mean behave yourself?" "Who do you think you're talking to?" "Susan and Jackie?" "Amanda and Jackie." "Michael." "I wish I were." "I can reason with..." "I'm having chest pains on Monday." " That's him." "You want me to get it?" " Get what?" "I didn't hear anything." "I think it would be a nice gesture, Uncle Willy, if you opened the door." "Please." "You promised me you'd give it a chance." "I'll give it every chance in the world, but it's not going to work." " Where are you going?" " To make some tea." " I feel like some hot tea." " Now?" " Hello, Mr. Lewis." "How are you?" " Hello, how are you?" "I'm Al Lewis." "Yes, of course." "Come on in." "Uncle Willy is making some tea." "Please sit down." "Thank you very much." "Did you have any trouble getting in from Jersey?" "My daughter drove me in." "She has a car." "That's nice." "1973 Chrysler." "The Imperial." " Yes, it's a wonderful car." " Good car." "Do you get into New York often?" " Today is the first time in two years." " Really?" "How did you find it?" "My daughter drove." "Right." "Uncle Willy, how are we doing?" "It's not boiling yet." " Would you care for any tea, Mr. Lewis?" " Tea would be nice, thank you." "Mr. Lewis would like tea, too." " I only got one ball." " Well, dunk twice." " May I take your coat, Mr. Lewis?" " We'll see." "Maybe later." "Do you have any questions you want to ask about the show... about the studio, or rehearsals, or the airdate?" "Things like that?" "Like what?" "Like the studio, or the rehearsals, or the airdate." "Things like that." " Have you got the props?" " What props are those?" "The props for the doctor sketch." "You gotta have props." "Props, certainly." "What do you need?" "I'll tell them." "You need a desk... a telephone, a pointer... a blackboard, some white chalk... some red chalk, a skeleton, not too tall... a stethoscope, a thermometer, an aah-stick..." " Wait a minute." "What's an "ostick"?" " To put in your mouth to say "aah."" " Right." "An aah-stick." " An aah-stick." "A bottle of pills, big ones, like for a horse." " About this big?" " No, that's for a pony." "For a horse it's like this." " Some bandages, cotton, an eye chart..." " Wait a minute." "You're going too fast." "A desk." "A telephone." " A pointer." " I got all that." "I mean after the cotton and the eye chart." "A man's suit, size 38." "Like the one I'm wearing." " Usually they let me keep it." " Also in blue?" "Who needs two blue suits?" "Get me a brown." "A brown suit." " Is that all?" " That's all." "And a blonde." " You mean a woman?" " You know a blond nurse that's a man?" "Big." "As big as you can find, with a big chest." "A 40, a 45." "And a nice bottom." "You mean a sexy girl with a full, round rear end?" "Like this." "This is too small, and this is too big." " Like this is perfect." " I know what you mean." "If you bring me some pictures, I'll pick one out." "There are a million girls like that around." "11:15." "I've got to go." "Uncle Willy, I'm going." "Mr. Lewis, I can't express to you enough how happy I am... and speaking for the millions of young people in this country... who never had the opportunity of seeing Lewis and Clark work..." "I just want to say thank you to both of you." "To the both of you, Uncle Willy." " I just hope they won't be disappointed." " They won't." "I know they won't." "I'm just saying it." " Goodbye." "I'm going." " I'll show you to the elevator." "I know where it is." "I'll call you tonight." "I just want to say that this is a very happy moment for me... to see you both together again, reunited." "The two kings of comedy." "I'm sure you're both very excited." "It looks like we're off to a great start." "I'll call you later." "Goodbye." "Have to slide it." "What do you want?" "Tea?" "Yes, thanks." " Sugar?" " Lf you got." "I got sugar." " Would you like a cracker?" " What kind of cracker?" "Chocolate, coconut, graham, whatever you want." " Maybe just a plain cracker." " I don't have any plain crackers." " I got chocolate, coconut, and graham." " All right, a graham cracker." " They're in the kitchen in the closet." " Maybe later." " I was sorry to hear about Lillian." " Thank you." "She was a nice woman." "I always liked Lillian." "Thank you." " And how about you?" " Thank God, knock wood." "Perfect." "I heard different." "I heard your blood didn't circulate." "Not true." "My blood circulates." "I'm not saying everywhere, but it circulates." "I've been lucky." "I'm in the pink." "I was looking." "For a minute, I thought you were having a hot flush." " Want some nuts?" " No, thanks." "Not allowed to eat nuts." "Too salty." " You know, Sol Burton died." " Go on!" "Who's Sol Burton?" "You don't remember Sol Burton?" "Oh, yes, the manager of the Belasco Theater." " That was Sol Bernstein." " Not Sol Bernstein." "Sol Burton was the manager of the Belasco Theater." "Sol Bernstein was the manager of the Belasco Theater... and it wasn't the Belasco Theater, it was the Morosco Theater." "Sid Weinstein was the manager of the Morosco." "Sol Burton was the manager of the Belasco." "Sol Bernstein, I don't know who the hell was." "How can you remember anything if your blood don't circulate?" "It circulates in my head." "Doesn't circulate in my feet." "Anything coming down?" "Wait a minute." "Wasn't Sid Weinstein that lousy songwriter... who wrote Lady, lady, be my baby?" "No, for Christ's sake, that's Sol Burton!" "That Sol Burton." "He died?" "Last week." " Where?" " In Variety." "So, this is where you live now?" " Didn't I always live here?" " Not in here." "You lived in the big suite." "This is the big suite, but they cut it up into five small suites." "I have a beautiful room with my daughter in New Jersey." " You live in your daughter's room?" " In her house." "I have my own room, my own toilet." "They don't bother me, I don't bother them." " What is it, in the country?" " Yes, it's in the country." "Where did you think New Jersey was?" "In the city?" "So, what do you think?" "Want to do the doctor sketch?" "Listen, it's very good money." "It's only a few days work, and I can be back in New Jersey." "If you feel you want to do it, then I'm agreeable." " And they told you how I feel about it?" " What?" "I'm against it." "But if you want, I'll do it." "What do you mean, you're against it?" "If you're against it, don't do it." "What do you care if I'm against it as long as we're doing it?" "I just want you to know why I'm doing it." "Don't do me any favors." "Who's doing you a favor?" "I'm doing my nephew a favor." "It'll be a big break for the kid to get a couple of big stars like us." "That's different." "In that case, I'm against it, too, but I'll do it." "As long as we understand each other." "I want to be sure you know that I'm not doing it for the money." "The money goes to my grandchildren." " The whole thing?" " The whole thing." "But not now." "Only if I die." "If I don't die, it'll be for my old age." " The same with me." " You haven't got grandchildren." "My nephew's children." "Sidney and Mervyn." "Do you want to rehearse the sketch or not?" "What?" " You're not against rehearsing?" " I'm against doing the show." " Rehearsing is important." " All right, let's rehearse." "Why don't we move the furniture around and make the set?" "Wait a minute." "What the hell are we doing here?" "I'm fixing up the set." "I don't know what you're doing." " You're fixing up the set?" " That's right." "You're fixing up the set for the doctor sketch?" "The doctor sketch?" "Wait a minute, god damn it!" "We're doing the same damn thing!" "Are we fixing up for the doctor sketch, or are you redecorating my apartment?" "I know what I'm doing." "I did this sketch for 43 years." "And what was I doing all that time?" "Taking a smoke?" "Can we please fix up for the doctor sketch?" "My clothes are beginning to stink from this apartment." "All right." "If you think you know how to fix it up, you fix it up." "It will be my pleasure." "There." "That's the doctor sketch." "For how much?" "That's the gypsy-chiropractor sketch." " You positive?" " I'm more than positive." "I'm sure." "All right, wise guy, show me the doctor sketch." "There." "That's the doctor sketch." "You know what you are, Willy?" "You're a 73-year-old putz." "Right." "Only the putz didn't drive in all the way from New Jersey." "I didn't drive." "My daughter did." "Now can we please rehearse the sketch?" "All right." "Go outside." "I'm here in the doctor's office." " Want to do the part with the nurse first?" " Do you see a nurse here?" "How can I rehearse with a nurse that's not here?" "Don't ask me." "I'm a putz." "Let's forget the nurse." "Start with the part where I'm in the office and you come in." "All right, I'll start from where I come in." "Knock, knock." "I'm looking for the doctor." "First, go outside." "I could be home playing solitaire now." "All right, I'm outside." "Knock..." "Wait a minute." "You're not outside the door." " Go out the door!" " We're just rehearsing." "Can't you make believe that I'm outside the door?" "Sure, if you were a better actor." "I'm sorry my daughter ever bought that car." "We're not going to stop for every little thing, are we?" "I don't know how many years I got left." "I don't want to spend them rehearsing." "We're not going to stop for the little things." "We're going to stop for the stupid things." "Not going out the door is a stupid thing." "Coming here in the first place was the stupid thing." "All right, I'm going out." "If I'm outside and my daughter calls, tell her to pick me up in 20 minutes." "She can pick you up now, for all I care." " All right, give me a knock, knock, knock." " Knock, knock, knock." "Don't say it, for God's sake!" "Do it!" " Are you ready?" " I'm ready." "Give me a knock, knock, knock." "Come in." " Come in, already." " It doesn't open." "It's stuck." "All right, wait a minute." " Wait a minute." " What's the matter?" "Wait a minute." " Is it locked?" " It's not locked." "Wait a minute." "It's locked." "Go downstairs and get somebody." "Get the Spanish kid downstairs." "Tell him it's locked." " What did you say?" " Go down... and get somebody, for Christ's sake!" "Don't you understand English?" "Don't you yell at me." "I didn't lock the door." "Certainly you locked it!" "Why are you wasting time?" "Go down and get somebody!" "It's open." "What's the matter with you?" "It's open from my side." "You locked yours." "All right, come in, already." "Come in." "Did my daughter call?" "I think you went a little crazy in the country." "Do you want to insult me, or rehearse the sketch?" "I would like to do both, but we ain't got the time." "All right." "Forget about the door." "Just stand there and say, "Knock, knock, knock."" " I hope I can get out again." " I hope so, too." "Knock, knock, knock." "Enter!" "What do you mean "enter"?" "What happened to "come in"?" "It's the same thing, enter or come in." "What's the difference as long as you're in?" "The difference is we've done this sketch 11,000 times... and you always said "come in." Suddenly today it's "enter."" "Why today, after all these years, do you suddenly change it to "enter"?" "I'm trying to freshen up the act." "Who asked you to freshen up the act?" "They asked for the doctor sketch, didn't they?" "The doctor sketch starts with "come in" and not "enter."" "You want to freshen up something?" "Put some flowers in here." "What's bad about "enter" instead of "come in"?" "Because it's different." "You know why we've been doing it the same way for 43 years?" " Because it's good." " You know why we don't do it anymore?" "Because we've been doing it for 43 years." "If we're not doing it anymore, why are we changing it?" "You know what's wrong with you?" "You've been sitting on a New Jersey porch for too long." "You're out of touch." "From my window here..." "I see everything that's going on in the world." "Here." "I see old people..." "I see young people, nice people, bad people." "I see holdups, I see drug addicts, ambulances, car crashes... jumpers from buildings." "I see everything." "You see a lawnmower and the milkman." "That's why you want to say "enter" instead of "come in"?" "Are you listening to me?" "Why, there's someone else in the room?" "You don't know the first thing that's going on today." "Did you ever hear the expression "that's where it's at"?" "This is where it's at, and that's where I am!" "I see." "Did you ever hear the expression:" ""You don't know what you're talking about"?" "It comes in front of the other expression:" ""You never knew what you were talking about."" "I wasn't the one who retired." "You're the one who retired... because you were tired, because you're old-fashioned." "I'm still new-fashioned." "I'm still in demand." "I'm still hot!" "If this room was on fire, you wouldn't be hot." "Look, I don't want to argue with you." "After you say "knock, knock, knock," I'm gonna say "enter."" "If you don't like it, you don't have to come in." "If you say "enter" after I say "knock, knock, knock"..." "I'm coming in, all right, but not alone." " I am bringing a lawyer with me." " From where?" "From New Jersey?" "You're lucky if a cow comes in with you." "Against you in court, I could win with a cow." "The finger." "You're starting with the finger again." "With a knife?" "Are you crazy?" "Next time you give me the finger, say goodbye to the finger!" "I got a terrific idea." "Instead of working together again, let's never work together again." " You're crazy." " Crazy?" "I'm crazy?" "Keep saying it until you believe it." " You're senile!" "You know what senile is?" " I'm not giving you any straight lines." "Back!" "Get away!" "Get away from that phone!" " Lunatic." " Hello?" "How are you?" "What?" " Is that my daughter?" " Will you shut up?" " Is that my daughter?" " Keep quiet!" "Can't you see I'm talking?" "Don't you see me on the phone with a person?" "For God's sake, will you behave like a human being for five seconds?" "For five seconds, behave like a human being!" "Hello?" "Just a minute." "It's your daughter." "Hello, sweetheart." "No." "I can't talk to you now." "I said I can't talk to you." "Because he's a crazy bedbug, that's why." " I'm a bedbug?" " See what I mean?" "Your father is sick!" "Come and get your sick father!" "Will you shut up?" "Will you behave yourself?" "For God's sake, behave yourself." "Doris, I want you to pick me up now." "I don't want to discuss it." "Pick me up now." "He pulled a knife on me." "A kitchen knife." "It was still dirty from breakfast." "All right." "She wants to talk to you." "She's across the street." " Who is it?" " Mrs. Eleanor Roosevelt." "What do you mean, who is it?" "Didn't you just say it's my daughter?" "I know it's your daughter, but I forgot her name." " Doris." " What does she want?" "My Doris?" "She'll tell you." "Hello?" "How are you, dear?" "It's Willy Clark." "Yeah." "Unpleasantness?" "No, there was no unpleasantness." "There was stupidity, but there was no unpleasantness." "Tell her I'm getting into my coat." "Tell her I got one sleeve on." "I hoped it would work out, too." "I bent over backwards and forwards." " He didn't even bend sideways." " I got the other sleeve on." "Tell her I'm up to my hat and out the door." "It's only a question of one word, darling, "enter."" " That's all it comes down to." " The hat's on." "I'm bundled up." "Tell her." "All right." "Yes, I will." "I'll tell him." "I promise I'll tell him myself." "Goodbye, Dorothy." " I told her we'll give it one last chance." " Not if you say "enter."" ""Come in," I stay. "Enter," I go." " Ask me knock, knock, knock." " Don't fool around with me." "I got enough pains in my neck." "Are you gonna say "come in"?" " Ask me knock, knock, knock." " I know you, you bastard." "Ask me knock, knock, knock." " Enter!" " Bedbug." "Crazy bedbug." "Enter!" "Drop dead in the hallway, you crazy bastard." " Enter!" " Lunatic." " Start the car." " Are you all right?" "Start the car." " Dad, what happened?" "What's the matter?" " Just start the car." "Okay, but what happened?" "You're all excited." " Didn't I tell you to start the car?" " I know, but what happened?" " That's what happened." " Enter!" "A pointer." "A stethoscope." "A skeleton, not too tall." "Just get what I tell you, will you?" " No turkey." "I got you chicken salad." " I had it yesterday." "You're having it again today." "Lester Burns of ABC is on two." "I'll call you back." "Lester, how are you?" "Yes, this morning." "I just left them." "Sensational." "I watched them rehearse about 20 minutes." "I was hysterical." "The tears were rolling down my eyes." "But I'll tell you... what was even more important, it was so touching." "I mean, these men still love each other after all these years." "I wish you could have seen..." "Your uncle on three Sounds like trouble" "Les, could you hold it one second?" "What is it, Willy?" "Never mind." "Just tell me what happened." "Yeah?" "And then?" "And what?" "Oh, shit!" "Hold it, Uncle Willy." "Les, could I call you right back?" "Uncle Willy, didn't you promise..." "Don't you hang up on me!" "I told you on the phone it was pointless to drive out here." " My father won't discuss it." " Can I come in for a minute?" "Dad is sleeping." "I don't want to wake him." "What if they didn't have to rehearse anymore?" "Your dad just has to come in to the studio for a technical." " They don't have to speak to each other." " I have to do what he asks me." "He is my father." "Maybe if you call back tonight." "I'm sorry." "I can't wait." "ABC needs a signed contract on their desk by 5:00." " Let me in." " Mr. Clark, vaudeville is dead." "Thank God my father isn't." "Hello, Mr. Lewis." "Can I please speak to you for a minute?" " What?" " Can I speak to you for a minute?" "What?" "What the hell is he saying?" " Thank you, Mr. Lewis." "Can you hear me?" " No." "Could you open the window?" "I'm down on my knees here." " It's freezing in here." " Out here, too." "Could I come in?" "I'll only stay a minute, I swear." "Not if it's about the show." "Don't lie to me." " It's about the show." " Freeze." "Wait." "He won't say "enter." He'll say "come in." He promised me." " You believe him?" " Yes." " Then you're a bigger putz than I am." " Wait!" "No!" "No more rehearsals." "Just one technical the day before the show." "You don't even have to talk to him." "I'll be there every minute." "I'm gonna finish my nap now." "Mr. Lewis, do you realize what a thrill it would be... for Mark and Wendy to see their grandfather on television... on the same show with Bob Hope and Phyllis Diller?" "Wow." "They'd be the proudest kids in the whole neighborhood." "Not for me." "Not for Willy or for yourself." "Do it for Mark and Wendy, Mr. Lewis." " And I don't have to talk to that lunatic?" " Not even hello." "Dad..." "What are you doing?" "I thought you weren't even going to discuss it again." "It's only open a half inch." "Just a half inch, Mrs. Green." "Thank you." "Thank you very much." "I'm so delighted you had the nerve to fall into this joint." "Hold it a second, folks" "Phyllis, you're off your mark again." "I can't pick you up for close-up if you get off your mark." "Come on, nobody's tuning in to see how you're marking it." "They're tuning in to see how I'm doing it, and this is the way I'm doing it, baby." " Comics." " We're running behind... if you want to get to Lewis and Clark." "After what I went through with them yesterday?" "Let's run behind." "Phyllis, whenever you're ready." "From the top of your monologue." "Okay." "Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen." "So delighted you had the nerve to fall into this joint." "You think I'm overdressed?" "This is my slip." "I hope they have separate dressing rooms." "I don't have room for half the people I have now." "I've got 67 performers in this show." "They're one act, aren't they?" " They get one room." " I know it's one act... but it's two people who don't talk to each other." " Who doesn't talk to each other?" " Lewis and Clark." " They don't talk to each other?" " Onstage they talk." "Offstage they don't." " Let them get dressed on stage." " Oh, boy." "My God!" "Isn't that enough of a rehearsal?" "I don't make any more moves." "I don't want to blow the jokes, you know?" " Thanks." " Hello there." "Hiya, boys." "How's it going?" "Hello." "How are you?" "Hello, girls." "Hello there." " Hi." "Hello there." " Hi." " Willy!" " You got a nice smile." "You've got 10 minutes to put on your makeup and get dressed." " I never missed an entrance in 57 years." " Please hurry, Uncle Willy." " They're running behind." " Is he in there?" " I couldn't get separate rooms." " When he's through, I'll get dressed." "Now, Willy." "You've got 10 minutes to be on stage." "I hope you can put on your makeup and get dressed... in what is now nine minutes." " All right." " Dressing room six." "Second on the right." " You're not coming?" " I've got to go check the props." "No one knows what an aah-stick is." "Go on." "What number?" " Six." " Number six." "Eddie, where are you?" " Yeah, right here." " Any chance of doing this today?" "We're ready." "We're just waiting for Lewis and Clark." " Why don't you call them?" " They're locked in their dressing room." " What?" " They can't get the door open." "It's locked from the inside, but they're working on it." "All right, let's clear the stage." "Get the props." "I want the pliers where they belong." "Don't force it, Willy." "Just turn the lock to the right." " Wait a minute." " To the right, idiot." "The man doesn't know his left from his right." "Get back away from the door, Willy." " We're using dynamite." " What?" " Get away from the door." " Are you kidding with the dynamite?" "$800,000 for a show, and they can't get a door open." "They're out, Mr Schaeffer We're ready to go any time you are" " We're awfully sorry" " Who the hell is that?" "I'm the nephew The agent The agent-nephew" "Ready to go, Mr Schaeffer" "Look, I've got 12 more numbers to get through today." "Tell them to run straight through, no stopping." "We'll clean up all the mistakes after run-through." " Got you Thank you, Mr Schaeffer" " Thank you." "Eddie, is Steve ready?" "Roll the film." "Please, almighty TV God, let me get through this today." "...four, three, two, one." " Cue, Steve." "The golden age of comedy reached its zenith during a fabulous and glorious era known as vaudeville" "Fanny Brice, WC Fields, Eddie Cantor, Ed Wynn, Will Rogers and a host of other greats fill its hall of fame" "There are two other names that belong on this list but they can never be listed separately" "They're more than a team." "They're two comic shining lights that beam as one." "For Lewis without Clark, would be like laughter without joy." "We're privileged to present tonight... in their first public performance in over 11 years... for half a century known as the Sunshine Boys" "Mr Al Lewis and Mr Willy Clark in their beloved scene, "The Doctor Will See You Now"" "Open wide and say Wider" "Your throat is all right... but you're gonna have trouble with your stomach." " How come?" " You just swallowed the stick." " That's terrible." "What could I get?" " Termites." "Oh, my God!" "Take out the stick." "Come back tomorrow." "On Thursdays I do woodwork." " Nurse." " Did you want me, Doctor?" "Yeah, but we got business first." "What's your name again?" "Miss Mclntosh." "You know, like the apples." "I forgot the name, but the apples I remember." "Look in my appointment book and see who's next." " It's a Mr. Kornheiser." " Maybe you're wrong." "Look in the book." " It's better that way." " Nope." "I was right." "So was I." "Please, Doctor, you're standing too close." "With you, it's not possible." "How much do I pay you?" " $85 a week." " Lf I pay you $90, will you give me a kiss?" " Yes, Doctor." " Good." "Make it $150..." " and we'll settle tonight." " Thank you, Doctor." "Excuse me." "I think I have a chest cold." " Looks more like an epidemic to me." " Yes, Doctor." "Is there anything else you can think of?" "I can think of it, but I'm not so sure I can do it." "If I can help you, Doctor, that's what the nurse is for." "Boy, am I glad I didn't go to law school." "I hear knock, knock, knock." "That must be the next patient." "Come in." "And enter!" "Jesus." " I'm looking for the doctor." " Are you sick?" " Are you the doctor?" " Yes." " Then I'm gonna be sick." " Sit down." " For my records, what's your name?" " Kornheiser." " And your first name?" " Sylvia." "Sylvia Kornheiser?" " Isn't that a funny name for a man?" " That's what my wife Herman says." "I see." "The first thing I'm gonna have to do is examine you." " Take off your clothes." " Nothing doing." " You won't take them off?" " Not with a name like Sylvia." "Then how will I examine you?" "That's what I came for I came to examine you" " You got everything backwards" " It's possible I dressed in a hurry" "I'm here to examine you!" "I'm the doctor!" "And I'm here to examine you." "I'm the tax collector." " I'll be a monkey's uncle." " We'll discuss your dependents later." "I'm a busy man." "If you want to see me... make an appointment with my nurse." "I did." "I'm seeing her Friday night for dinner." "Don't fool around with my nurse!" "She's a nice girl." "She's a Virginian." " A what?" " A Virginian." " That's where she's from." " She ain't going back, I'll tell you that." "I got some questions to ask." " To see me, you got to be a patient." " But I'm not sick." "Don't worry." "We'll find something." "All right, you examine me, and I'll examine you." "First question:" "How much money did you make last year?" "Last year, I made..." " I didn't hear that." " Hard of hearing." "I knew we'd find something." "My turn." "Now, is your father living or deceased?" " Both." " What do you mean?" " First he was living, now he's deceased." " What did he die of?" "My mother." "What are you doing?" " I'm examining your lower intestine." " Then why do you look in the ear?" "If I got a choice of two places to look, I'll take this one." " Roll up your sleeve" " What are you gonna do?" " I need a sample of your blood." " I don't have that many." "Give me what you can." "The rest, you can owe me." "Sit down, Sylvia, and cross your legs." "Tell me, does it hurt when you get hit with a hammer?" " Certainly." " Good." "Try not to get hit with a hammer." " You see this bottle?" " Yes." "You know what you're supposed to do?" " I think so" " You think so or you know so?" "If you're not sure, let me know The girl doesn't come in to clean today" " What do you want me to do?" " I want you to go in this bottle." " I got to go over your books." " The hell you will." "If I don't go over them, the government will come and go over them." " Don't they have a place in Washington?" " They got to go where the books are" " The whole government?" " No, just the Treasury Department" "Dr Kluckenmier" "I told you not to bust in here." "I'm sorry." "Mrs. Kugelman is on the phone." "She wants you to rush right over and deliver her baby." "I'm busy now." "I'll mail it to her in the morning." "Yes, Doctor." "Where did you find a couple of nurses like that?" "She was standing on 43rd and 44th Street." "Sit down." "I want to examine your tongue." " You got a white coat on there." " Did you expect a gray sports jacket?" "Say..." "Just as I thought." "You got a rotten appendix." "I'm gonna have to take out your tonsils." " Why my tonsils?" " From here, I can't reach your appendix." "Never mind my tonsils." "What about your taxes?" " My what?" " Your taxes." "It's time to pay your taxes to the Treasury." "I'm warning you, cut that out." "What are you talking about?" "You know what I'm talking about." "Time to pay the taxes to the Treasury." "You're speaking with the spitting again." "I read the right line, didn't I?" "I can't help it if it comes out juicy." "Stop squeezing the juice, it won't come out that way" "Where?" "Where does it say that?" "I haven't got that." "Mr. Clark, I don't have those last lines in my script." "It's not in the script It's in his mouth" "He stopped I didn't stop He's the one who stopped" "I stopped because he spit He's purposely spitting on the "T's"" "I didn't spit on purpose." "I spit on accident." "It's not possible to say "T's" without spitting a little." "Then don't say "T's"!" "Say "L's" or "W's"!" "But there's no "L's" or "W's" in taxes." "He did it again." "Did you see that?" "He sneaked an extra one in." "Did you see it?" "Uncle Willy, Mr. Lewis, why don't we finish the rehearsal... and discuss this later?" "Do you mind?" "I'll direct this show." "Why don't we finish the rehearsal and discuss this later?" "It's all right with me" "I'm not gonna stand here and get a shower in my face." "Either he says a softer "T" or I do the show with an umbrella." "I'm not getting enough money for this." "Gentlemen, with all due respect, we have to go on" "I have 12 more scenes to rehearse" "I cannot spend any time on personal squabbles" "Can we please go on?" "Say something to him." "Can we please go on?" "All right, I'll go on, but I'm moving to a safer spot." " Just a second." "You have to..." " Why don't we skip a couple of lines?" "Let's pick it up on:" ""I hope you don't have what Mr. Melnick had."" ""I hope you don't have what Mr. Melnick has."" "Melnick." "All right." " Here." "You want to pick it up on Melnick?" " Melnick, right." "All right, Mr Clark, whenever you're ready" "I hope you don't have what Mr. Melnick had." "What did Mr. Melnick have?" "Ask him yourself." "He's standing right here." "That's Mr. Melnick?" "It could be Mrs. Melnick." "Without high heels, I can't tell." "If he's dead, why do you leave him standing here?" "He's still got one more appointment with me." "You know what you are?" "You're a quack." "Do you know what a quack is?" "A quack is a bastard who pokes me with his finger." "He's doing it on purpose!" "First the spitting, then the poking." "I know his routine already!" "Where?" "Where does it say that?" "Who's got that in their script?" "I didn't poke him." "A little tap." "A little tiny tap that wouldn't hurt a baby." "Maybe a baby elephant." "I'm not even dry in the face, he's starting with the finger!" "I better get down there." "Excuse me I'm sorry we're holding up the rehearsal but we have a serious problem on our hands" "The man I'm working with is a lunatic" "I'm a lunatic?" "I'm gonna tell you something now..." "I never told you before in my entire life:" "I hate your guts!" " We're holding up..." " You told it to me on Monday." "Remember it if I don't see you next Monday." " We're holding up the rehearsal." " What's the point of going on?" "Everything I do is wrong." "He's persecuting me." "For 11 years, he's been waiting to get back at me..." " only I'm not gonna give him the chance." " I knew it." "He's purposely doing it." "He set me up for 11 years... just to walk out on me!" " I didn't want to do it in the first place." " Liar!" " His daughter begged me on the phone!" " We need the stage!" "We need the stage." "Please just take him outside." "Will you go outside and do this?" "You can do it in Canada, for all I care." "The man is a lunatic." "Get him a glass of water." "Who wants to work with that has-been?" "I don't need you!" "I didn't need you then, and I don't need you today!" "You were nothing when I found you, and you're nothing today!" "Maybe his career is over, but not mine." "Maybe he's finished, but not me!" "Do you hear?" "Not me!" "Uncle Willy." "All right, Willy, take it easy." "Don't move." "Get a doctor, quick." "I don't want a doctor." "I don't need a doctor." "I don't trust them." "Don't talk." "You'll be all right." "Somebody get a blanket, please." "Come on, give the guy some room, would you, please?" "Don't tell Al." "Don't tell Al that I fell down, Ben." "I don't want to give him... the satisfaction." "There's nothing to tell." "You'll be all right." "You're gonna be fine." " Frumpies." " What?" "That's the name of the potato chips." "Frumpies." "I remember it, Ben." "You see, I told you I'd remember it." "I knew Monday." "I saw it coming." "I should have stopped it on Monday." "How is he?" "They're not sure yet, but they don't think it's too bad." "I know him." "He's strong." "Anyone who can get in front of an audience for 57 years... has to be strong." "It's nice of you to come." "I appreciate it." "Don't tell him I was here." "I don't want to upset him any more." "I understand." " Mr. Clark?" " Excuse me." "Mr. Lewis, I'm Ben's wife, Helen." " What?" " This is Ben's wife, Helen." " How do you do?" "I'm Doris." " Hello." " This is my daughter, Doris." " Yes, I know." "He's okay." " They don't think he's in any danger." " But he's okay?" "They figure a couple of weeks in the hospital." "They'll have to see." " But he's okay?" " Yes." "They'll keep him in intensive care until tomorrow just as a precaution." "He can't have visitors so there's no point in hanging around." "But they said he's all right?" "Ben's just told you." "He's all right." "I know it's been a long day for you, too, Mr. Lewis." "Why don't you go home and get some rest, and I'll call you tomorrow." "Listen, if you don't mind..." "I'd like to sit here for a while." "It would make me feel better." "Sure." "I understand." "I'll call you tomorrow." "Sweetie?" "You want some coffee?" "The man yells at me on the stage and gets a million laughs." "He yells at me off the stage, he gets a heart attack." " Clark?" " I'll take them." "Thank you." "I'm a nurse." "I don't tip." "I hear that!" "Don't you think I hear that?" "I'm sorry." "Call the Spanish kid." "Tell him." "They'll get somebody." "Who knocked?" "More flowers." "No card." "They stink up the room." "What happened to my candy?" " Did you eat up all my candy?" " You can't eat it anyway." "Because I'm not quick enough." "You got the fastest fingers on the West Side." "When you're through, I wish you'd eat the flowers, too." "If I was you, I'd go back to sleep." "And if I was you, I'd be in that new musical." "When you're through gardening, maybe you'll find time to take my pulse." "I did." "It's a little better today." " When did you take my pulse?" " When you were sleeping." "Everybody's pulse is better when you're sleeping." "You take a person's pulse when they're up." "$40 a day, and she takes a sleeping pulse." " Did you have a nice nap?" " It was a nap." "Nothing special." "How about a little pinochle?" "Two cents a point." "I don't gamble." " Lf you win, I'll let you eat the cards." " Funny." "Really funny, Mr. Clark." "Soon as I get home, I'm gonna bust out laughing." "If they send me any more candy, you'll bust out a lot sooner." "You've been trying to get my goat for a week now." "If you had a goat, you'd have eaten it by now." "You do, and I'll treat you for a concussion." "I was just kidding." "Can't you take a joke?" "I can take anything from you... because I have a wonderful sense of humor." "If you nurse as good as your sense of humor..." "I won't make it to Thursday." " By summer, we'll have two tennis courts." " Tennis courts?" "You'd be surprised how active some of our people still are." "You've seen the dining room." "That takes in just about everything." "As I said, if your uncle would like to have a look around..." "I'd be pleased to arrange it." "I'm sure he must have lots of old friends out here." "I'm sure." "We'll let you know, Mr. Ferranti." "When do you think that might be?" "Soon as we let my uncle know about it." "We haven't discussed it with him yet." " Thank you." " Goodbye." "I was surprised." "I thought it would be depressing." "It wasn't at all, was it?" "And the grounds are lovely, aren't they?" "I really think he might like it, Ben." "I really do." "I mean, if he gives it a chance, I think he may like it, don't you?" "What are you gonna tell him?" "What did you do that for?" " You owe me $40." " For what?" "That's what you get for watching me sleep." "Why shouldn't I get the same money?" "Woke up a little grouchy today, didn't we?" "We did?" "When did you get sick?" "What's this?" "Don't fluff up the pillows!" "It takes the whole night to get them the way I like... and then you fluff them the hell up!" "You just keep it up, Mr. Clark... and we're gonna have another heart attack." "Again my partner?" "And stop throwing your papers on the floor." "I get paid for nursing, not bending." "Tell me something." "How old is a woman like you?" " That's none of your business." " I'm not asking for business." "Fifty-four." "You married?" "My husband passed away four years ago." "You were the nurse?" "No, I was not the nurse." "Don't make up the bed." "I'm still sleeping in it." "Don't make up a bed with a person still in it." "Hey, Uncle Willy." " Hi, Odessa." "How are you?" " Hello." " You look terrific." " You got my Variety?" "Yeah, and about 150 get-well cards from people all over the country." "Telegrams from Milton Berle, Lucille Ball, Bob Hope... every comic in show business." "What about a commercial?" "Did you speak to the Alka-Seltzer people?" " Talk about that later." " I'm going to lunch." "If he needs his pill, it's on the bureau." "And don't get up and go to the bathroom." "Use the you-know-what." "And if not, I'll go you-know-where." " Have a good lunch." " Thank you." " She's really a terrific nurse." " Boy." "Bernie Eisenstein died." " Who?" " Bernie Eisenstein." "Remember the dance team, Ramona and Rodriguez?" "Bernie Eisenstein was Rodriguez." "Uncle Willy, could you put down the Variety?" "Did you bring me a cigar?" "A cigar?" "Don't you realize you just had a heart attack?" "It doesn't have to be a big one." "You heard the doctor." "You know you can't have any more cigars." "No more corned beef sandwiches, no more temper tantrums." "Your heart's just not gonna take it." "This is the good news you rushed up with?" "You could have skipped a Wednesday." "I talked to the doctor again this morning... and I'm gonna have to be very frank and honest with you, Willy." "You've got to retire." "Give it up." "Show business is out." " Until when?" " Until ever." "You were lucky this time, but you can't go running around looking for jobs." " You can't take it." " I'll think it over." "There's nothing to think over." "You can't work anymore." "Can't you understand that?" "You decide for Ben Clark." "I'll decide for Willy Clark." "No, I'll decide for Willy Clark." "I'm your only living relative, and I'm responsible for your welfare." "You can't live here anymore, Willy, not alone." "I can't afford to keep this nurse permanently." "Right now, she's making more than I am." "Anyway, she already gave me a notice." "She's leaving next week." "She's going to Buffalo to work for some rich family." "Maybe she'll take me." "I always did well in Buffalo." "We have to face the facts, Willy." "We have to do something, and we have to do it quickly." "I can't think about it today." "I'm tired." "I'm gonna take a nap." " Want to hear my suggestion?" " Don't you see me napping?" "I'd like you to move in with me and Helen and the kids." "We have a spare room, and I think you'd be very comfortable." "Did you hear what I said?" " Forget it." " Why?" "I don't like your kids." "They're too noisy." "The little one hit me in the head with a baseball bat." "I've seen you talk to them for hours about vaudeville... and have the time of your life." "If I stopped talking, they'd hit me with the bat." "No offense, but I'm not moving in with your children." "Get rid of them, then we'll talk." "It's because Al Lewis lives with his family, isn't it?" "You're trying to prove some stupid point about being independent." "Make your second suggestion." "All right." "Now, don't jump when I say this, it's not as bad as it sounds." "Say it." "There's the actors' home in New Jersey." " It's as bad as it sounds." " You're wrong." "Helen and I saw the place." "They showed us all around." "I couldn't believe how beautiful it was." "You went out there?" "You didn't even have the decency... to wait until I turned down living with you and your rotten kids?" "I just went out to investigate." "There are no commitments." "The old actors' home." "The first booking you got me in 10 years." "It's on a lake." "It's got 25 wooded acres." "They put on shows for themselves every weekend." "It's all old actors." "What could be better for you?" "It's in New Jersey." "I hate New Jersey." "I'm sorry they ever finished the George Washington Bridge." "I promise you... if you ever spend one day there you're not happy... you can come back and move in with me." "That's my choice:" "The baseball bat or New Jersey." "All right?" "I feel a lot better about everything." "What about you?" "What do you mean, what about me?" "Does this mean that you won't come up to see me anymore?" "Certainly, I'll come to see you." "As often as I can." "Uncle Willy, did you think I wouldn't come to visit you anymore?" "You know, people don't go out to New Jersey unless they have to." "I'll be there every Wednesday." "With Variety." "I'll even bring Helen and the kids." "Don't bring the kids." "What do you think I'm moving out there for?" "You know... this is the first moment since I know you... that you've treated me like a nephew, not as an agent." "It's like a whole new relationship." "I hope it works out a lot better than the last one." "Now, there's just one other thing I'd like you to do for me." "What?" " But don't get excited." " What is it, for God's sake?" "Al Lewis wants to come up and see you." "Ben, if you wanted to kill me, you could have brought the cigars." "He's been heartsick ever since this happened." "What do you think I've been?" "What is this, the mumps?" "He hasn't slept since you've been in hospital." "He's been sending all this candy and flowers." "He doesn't sign it, because if he did you'd throw them out." "They're his flowers?" "Throw them out." "He just wants to come up and say hello." " Hello?" " That's all." "And if he pokes me in the chest with his finger..." "I'll drop dead." "That's murder, you know." "I'm asking you as a personal favor... even if you never spoke to him again... just let him come up and say hello." "Please." "For me, Uncle Willy." "All right, if he wants to come up, I won't stop him." "But I can't promise a hello." "I may be sleeping." " I could kiss you." " Please, I'm sick enough." " Where are you going?" " Got to make a call." " Who are you calling?" " AI Lewis." "Al Lewis?" "On my phone?" "It's got to cost me 60 cents for him to come up to say hello?" "It's not going to cost you 60 cents." "He's down in the lobby now." "Now?" "So why do you bother asking me?" "Yes." "Right." "Sure." "Mr. Lewis?" " Yes." "What is it?" " The man from Mr. Clark's room said... if you want to go to see Mr. Clark in his room... that you can go upstairs right now." "What did he say?" "Where is he?" "Maybe he got off at the wrong floor." "What are you doing?" "You're not supposed to get out of bed." "Willy, please." "I'm not gonna give him the satisfaction... of seeing me lay in bed like a sick person." "I'm gonna sit in my chair... and look healthier than him." "I'm begging you." "You're not supposed to get out of bed for anything." "Lewis coming to apologize to Clark... is not anything." "To me, this is worth another heart attack." "Go to the closet and get my coat." " Get my coat, Ben." " All right." "I'll do it." "Okay." "I'll do it." " All right." "Move the chair." " I'll get the chair." "Move the chair all the way back." "I want that son of a bitch to have a long walk." "Walk slowly, will you?" "He's not coming to apologize." "He's coming to say hello." "If he doesn't apologize, for spite, I'll drop dead in the chair." "Push the chair back all the way... and get some pillows and put the pillows on the chair." "I want to look down on that bastard." "This is the last time." "I'm never butting into your lives again." "But promise me you'll be decent to Al Lewis." "I'll be wonderful to him." "In my will, I'll leave him you." "I can't wait for him to apologize, Ben." "For 11 years I've waited for this minute and..." "I'll get it." "Stay where you are." "This is my line." "Enter!" "He's sleeping." "I could come back later." "No." "He's just dozing." "Come on in." " Can I take your hat?" " No." "I'd like to hold on to something, if you don't mind." "Uncle Willy, there's someone here to see you." "Look who's here to see you, Willy." "I don't have my glasses." "Who is it?" "It's me, Willy, Al." "Al who?" "Al Lewis!" "Al Lewis." "Is that you?" "You're so far away, Al." "Walk all the way over here." "All the way, Al." "Come." "Walk over here." "That Al Lewis." "I don't want to disturb you, Willy." "I just..." "Look at all the beautiful flowers." "I'm throwing them out." "They smell up the room." "People send them to me with boxes of cheap candy." "They mean well." "I don't want to take up your time." "I just came to say hello... so hello and goodbye, Willy." "Wait a minute." "What's your hurry?" "You got a few more minutes before my next nap." "Sit down and talk for a while." "Sure it's okay?" "Please stay, Mr. Lewis." "I've got to go find the nurse, anyway." "I'll be back in a few minutes." "Good to see you, Mr. Lewis." "It's good to see the both of you like this." "Goodbye." "Nice boy." "You got everything you need here?" "Books, magazines?" "I got plenty to do." "I got all my fan mail to answer." "You get fan mail?" " Don't you?" " I don't even get jury duty." "Listen, is it all right for you to talk like this?" "I'm not talking." "You're the one who's talking." "Why, is there something special you wanted to talk about?" "Like what?" "What do I know?" "How do I know what's on your mind?" "Do I know why you can't sleep at night?" "Who said I don't sleep at night?" "I sleep beautifully." "Funny." "To me, you look tired... a little troubled... like a person with something on their conscience." "What do I know?" "I got nothing on my conscience." "Are you sure you looked good?" "I got nothing on my conscience." "I'm just sorry you got sick." "Thank you." "I accept your apology." "What apology?" "Who apologized?" "You don't apologize for making me sick?" "I never made you sick." "You made you sick." "You yelled and screamed and carried on like a lunatic... until you got yourself sick, and for that, I'm sorry." "Then why do you come here with your hat in your hand?" "It's a $35 hat." "What did you want me to do?" "Fold it in my pocket?" "Then why did you send me the candy and flowers?" "Because you had something on your conscience... and that's why you couldn't sleep at night." "That's why you came with your hat in your hand, to apologize... only this time, I'm not going to accept your apology." "How do you like that?" "For this I paid a dollar toll on the bridge." "I'll pay for it... because I'm happy now." "I got what I want." "What did you get?" "You got no apology from me which you didn't accept." "I don't want to discuss it anymore." "I just had a heart attack." "You know something, Willy?" "I don't think we get along too good." "Everybody has their ups and downs." "In 43 years, we had maybe one ups." "To tell you the truth, I can't take the downs anymore." "To be honest with you, for the first time, I feel a little tired myself." "So what are you gonna do now?" "My nephew made me two very good offers... one in the city, and one out of town." "I wouldn't have to work too hard." "Just do a show on Saturday nights." "Is that so?" "Which one are you gonna take?" "I decided the one out of town." "I always liked the road." "You know that." "Isn't that wonderful?" " And how about you?" " Wonderful news." "My daughter is having another baby." "They're gonna need my room, and I don't want to be a burden to them." "We talked it over and I decided to move into the actors' home in New Brunswick." "Oh, my God." "I got the finger again." "Willy, are you all right?" " What is it, chest pains?" " Not yet, but I'm expecting." "Can I get you anything?" " Should I call the doctor?" " He's all the way uptown." "So why did you get sick downtown?" " Was that joke from our act?" " Who knows?" "I can't tell the difference between our act and us anymore." "You're a funny man, Al, a pain in the ass, but a funny man." "You know what your trouble was, Willy?" "You always took the jokes too seriously." "They were just jokes." "We did comedy on the stage for 43 years." "I don't think you enjoyed it once." "If I was there to enjoy it, I would buy a ticket." "Maybe now you'll start enjoying it." "If you're not too busy... maybe you'll come over and visit me at the actors' home." " You can count on it." " Maybe you'd like to rest now, take a nap." " Yeah, I think so." " Come on." "There you are." "Okay?" "There you are." "Put you right there." "Just get comfortable." "You know, I feel a lot better now that I've talked to you." "Yeah." "Keep talking, I'll fall asleep." "What's new in Variety?" " Bernie Eisenstein died." " Go on." "Bernie Eisenstein?" "The House Doctor at the Palace?" "The was Sam Hesseltein." "Bernie Eisenstein was Ramona and Rodriguez." "No, Jackie Aronson was Ramona and Rodriguez." "Bernie Eisenstein was the House Doctor at the Palace." "Sam Hesseltein was Sophie Tucker's agent." "Don't argue with me." "I'm sick." " I know, but why should I get sick, too?" " Leave me alone." "Bernie Eisenstein was the house doctor the first time we played with Sophie..." " and that's when we met Sam Hesseltein." " God help me." "And Jackie Aronson wasn't Rodriguez yet." "He was Dimarco and Lopez." "Lopez died, Dimarco went into real estate, so Jackie became Rodriguez." "Who the hell cares?" " And I'll never forget this." " Forget it!" "Remember Big Bill Macafree?" "The Irishman who owned the Adams Theater in Pittsburgh... and the Baltimore in Syracuse?" "Always wore a two-pound diamond ring." "He said some very funny things." "Would you like to hear them?" "Yeah." "Here's what he said." "You remember Dunlap and Rosita?" "He used to go around with Rosita... and Rosita wore a little black velvet ribbon on her neck." "She tied it tight, because she was skinny and she wanted her cheeks to puff up." "But she tied it so tight, it affected her hearing." "She couldn't hear the music."