"[###]" "Well, if big man wants a new scoreboard," "I don't wanna be the one to tell him no." "No one in the park is gonna be able to see it from there." "Well, why don't we just put a monitor in the skybox?" "Hey, George, the ocean called." "They're running out of shrimp." "[ALL LAUGHING]" "[###]" ""The ocean called." "They're running out of shrimp."" "You got your shrimp." "Oh, yes." "That's what I should have said." "Damn it!" "[###]" ""The ocean called, they're running out of shrimp"?" "Yeah, yeah, yeah, but then I said to him:" ""Oh, yeah?" "Well, the jerk store called, and they're running out of you."" "Really?" "That's great." "You said that to him?" "Well, actually, I thought it up on the way over here." "Oh, that's not quite the same." "No, no, it's not." "You don't know this guy." "It would have been so sweet." "I'm gonna grab a can of balls." "All right." "Hello." "My name is Milos." "How can I help you?" "I need a can of balls." "A can of balls for the nice guy." "Uh..." "You don't plan to hit these balls with that racket, do you?" "Checking out the staff picks, Miss Benes?" "Oh, hey." "Yeah." "Yeah." "This Vincent guy, he is the best." "He and I have the exact same taste in movies." "Well, Vincent is an art-house goon." "I stick to the Gene rack." "Gene?" "Oh, he's so stupid and mainstream." "I've seen all of these, so I went with the Kramer pick." "The Other Side of Darkness." "I never heard of that one." "Yeah, it went straight to video." "That makes me the premiere." "[###]" "KRAMER:" "Jerry?" "Have you ever seen the movie" "The Other Side of Darkness?" "No." "It's about this woman in a coma." "Well, I couldn't finish watching it, so I want you to read this." ""I, Cosmo Kramer, having just seen the movie The Other Side of Darkness and not wanting to be in a coma like that lady in the movie hereby want Jerry Seinfeld to remove my life support, feeding machine, lung blower, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera."" "Can you do that for me, buddy?" "I don't know if what you have here constitutes a legally binding document." "Well, I'm gonna type it up." "Yes, of course, but even so, you may wanna talk to a lawyer." "Yeah, well, Jackie Chiles, he put a restraining order on me." "I'm not allowed within 200 feet of his office." "I couldn't even give him his Christmas present." "Oh, hey, new racket, huh?" "Yeah, I wasn't gonna get it, but this guy, Milos, who runs the pro shop, he really recommended it." "In fact, it's the only racket he plays with." "You're not gonna need this anymore." "Hey, this is the Z page of my address book." "Oh, yeah, I put all your Z's on the weights-and-measures page." "[###]" "[SNIFFLING]" "Oh, bravo, Vincent." "Bravo." "[PHONE RINGING]" "What?" "MAN:" "Did you enjoy the movie?" "Who is this?" "It's Vincent." "Of Vincent's picks?" "The same." "[###]" "JERRY:" "He called you?" "Must have got my number off the computer." "We ended up talking for like two hours." "To a guy you've never met?" "Your screening process is getting ever more rigorous." "I'm trying to meet him." "He's never at the video store." "They said he sets his own hours." "Little help!" "Hey." "Here." "Thank you." "Oh, my God, that guy is terrible." "Mm-hm." "Hey, how come we played at this crummy place instead of your club?" "George used up all my guest passes already." "Oh." "Come on." "Thank you." "Here you go." "Milos?" "Oh, hey." "How you doing?" "Okay, uh, we should wrap it up here." "[###]" "So he's bad." "What do you care?" "Elaine, I paid $200 for this racket because he said it's the only one he plays with." "He could have played just as well with a log." "Hey." "All right, I talked to this lawyer guy, Shellbach." "Now, he's gonna set me up, but you gotta come with me to be the executor." "The executor of what?" "Kramer wants to die with dignity." "There's a feather in your cap." "I don't wanna be a vegetable, Elaine." "I just want out." "Sometimes in life, the gods smile upon you, my friends." "Did you get someone to take that Canadian quarter?" "I got another meeting with Reilly, a whole new audience, and I bet I can get him to try that line again." "Who's Reilly?" "George was scarfing shrimp at this meeting, and this guy says:" ""Hey, George, the ocean called." "They're running out of shrimp."" "[LAUGHING]" "Listen to the comeback:" ""Oh, yeah?" "Well, the jerk store called." "They're running out of you."" "What?" "You gotta be kidding me." "How about this one?" "How about:" ""Your cranium called." "It's got some space to rent."" "What does that mean?" "Hey, here you go:" ""Hey, Reilly, the zoo called." "You're due back by 6."" "No, no, no, you're not helping me." "Look, just tell him you had sex with his wife." "That'll get him." "I'm not looking for another line." "I got the line." "Look, George, just think about it, you know?" "You're married, how would you feel if somebody says to you that they just had sex...?" "All right, you see?" "This is why I hate writing with a large group." "Everybody has their own little opinions, and it all gets homogenized and you lose the whole edge of it." "I'm going with "jerk store." "Jerk store" is the line." "Jerk store!" "Yes!" "Did you take this out of the garbage?" "Yeah, it's still got some spring in the strings." "Jerry, this is a piece of junk." "How are you gonna be the executor of my living will?" "You see, you can't let go." "Trust me, Kramer, given the legal opportunity, I will kill you." "I wish I could believe you." "Hey, Elaine, do you have some free time tomorrow afternoon?" "Me?" "Yeah, because you're perfect." "You're a calculating, cold-hearted business woman." "And when there's dirty work to be done, you don't mind stomping on a few throats." "Oh, come on." "[###]" "Situation number four:" "You're breathing on your own, you're conscious, but with no muscular function." "Well, would I be able to communicate?" "I don't see how." "I don't like the sound of this one." "Yeah, let's pull the cord, huh?" "Yank it like you're starting a mower." "Moving on." "You have liver, kidneys and gallbladder but no central nervous system." "Well, I gotta have a central nervous system." "Okay." "One lung, blind, and you're eating through a tube." "No, that's not my style." "Boring." "All right." "You can eat, but machines do everything else." "Uh..." "Hm?" "I'd stick." "Yeah, yeah, stick, because I could still go to the coffee shop." "That's right." "[###]" "Hello, Milos." "Jerry." "Thank God you got my message." "Thank you so much for coming down here." "Um, listen..." "You know, I spent $200 on a racket because I thought you knew what you were talking about." "You can't even play." "Believe me, it is Milos' great shame, but, Jerry, I could lose my business if anybody find out." "How would you like extra year membership on the club?" "Free, no charge." "You could do that?" "Jerry, for you, anything." "Game, set and match, huh, Milos?" "Uh, Jerry, I'm so sorry." "They tell me there is no way they can do it." "Is there anything else I could do for you?" "Anything at all?" "I..." "I refund your money." "You know what, Milos, I don't even care about the money." "I just feel like I was taken by the worst tennis player..." "Shh, shh, shh. I..." "I make it up to you." "Yeah, you make it up to me." "Tennis, anyone?" "[###]" "Oh, this is the one Vincent told me about." "The Pain and the Yearning." ""An old woman experiences pain and yearning."" "A hundred and ninety-two minutes?" "[KRAMER WHISTLES]" "That's a lot of yearning, huh?" "You know, these movies are great, but they are just so emotionally exhausting." "Well, what you need is some summertime, adolescent high jinks." "Really?" "Let's see what Dr. Gene prescribes, huh?" "Oh, here." "Yeah, Week end at Bernie's II." "Now, that's an hilarious premise." "Hm." "Well..." "Yeah, get it." "Yeah, I could use a chuckle." "Yeah." "What are you getting?" "Nothing." "I'm gonna finish watching The Other Side of Darkness." "How much you got left?" "About two hours." "Yeah, she shot in that coma pretty quick." "[###]" "Bernie is dead, you morons." "Just because he's wearing sunglasses, he looks alive?" "Ugh." "How long is this weekend, anyway?" "Ugh." "[PHONE RINGS]" "Hello?" "VINCENT:" "How's the movie, Elaine?" "Vincent?" "A Gene pick." "How could you?" "I thought we had something special." "No, it doesn't mean anything." "I'm not even gonna rewind it." "[DIAL TONE]" "Vincent?" "[###]" "All right." "Let's get to it." "Wait a minute." "What about Reilly?" "Reilly doesn't work here anymore." "What?" "I didn't hear about that." "We only wake you up for the important meetings." "[ALL LAUGHING]" "[###]" "Hello." "Hello." "Didn't I see you at the pro shop yesterday?" "I think so." "I'm Patty." "Milos gave me your address." "I hope you don't mind me waiting for you here." "Oh, that Milos." "Well, what should we do?" "Care for a cup of coffee?" "Why don't we just go up to your apartment?" "All right." "Gotta be an easier way." "WOMAN [ON TV]:" "Doctor, how's her coma?" "MAN:" "Oh, exactly the same." "Wait a minute." "She's coming out of the coma." "Mrs. Albright, can you hear me?" "Are you okay?" "MRS. ALBRIGHT:" "I feel so rested and refreshed." "Get me a toothbrush." "[###]" "So you play tennis?" "Enough talk, Jerry." "Not for me." "I love chatting." "Shh." "No, no, I can't do this." "I can't go through with this, not even for him." "Who?" "Milos, my husband." "Your husband?" "[CRYING]" "[###]" "And so concerned was he that word of his poor tennis skills might leak out, he chose to offer you his wife as some sort of medieval sexual payola." "He's new around here." "So details." "Well, I didn't sleep with her." "Because of society, right?" "Yes, George, because of society." "So how did the big meeting turn out?" "Reilly is no longer with the club." "Can you believe that?" "You're better off." "Now you can just let it go." "Yeah, yeah, I'm gonna let it go." "You never really had the right comeback, anyway." "Are you insane?" ""Jerk store" would have smoked that guy." "Smoked him, I say!" "Oh, Jerry, listen." "You know, I saw the rest of that movie, The Other Side of Darkness." "The coma lady wakes up at the end." "Oh, I wanted to see that." "Thanks." "Thanks a lot." "I didn't know it was possible to come out of a coma." "I didn't know it was possible not to know that." "GEORGE:" "How was Eric Roberts as the husband?" "Oh, unforgettable." "[GEORGE GROWLS]" "I gotta find Elaine." "You know, she's gonna pull my plug." "[###]" "What? "Betrayed"?" "Oh, Vincent, I'm so sorry." "Hey, hey, listen, Elaine, I changed my mind about the whole coma thing." "Yeah, I decided I'm up for it." "Kramer, do you have any idea what you've done?" "Excuse me." "What are you doing?" "What...?" "What...?" "Vincent stopped making picks." "Well, how am I gonna know what movies to see?" "We have a wide variety of Gene picks." "Gene's trash." "I'm Gene." "Hi." "[###]" "Milos, I can assure you, I had no intention of telling anyone about your unbelievably bad tennis playing." "Thank you, but unfortunately, I have much larger problems to fry." "My wife, she has no respect for Milos anymore." "I guess that's a risk you run when you dabble in the flesh trade." "Patty, she..." "She loves tennis as much like I do." "Would you...?" "Will you let me beat you in tennis?" "That is the only way I can show her that I'm still a man." "Well, I'll do it as long as there's no other girls around." "I mean, I wanna be a man too." "[###]" "JERRY:" "So you hurt Vincent's feelings?" "Look what came in the mail today." "What's this?" "It's the play button off his VCR." "Boy, look how far back it goes." "It's like a tooth." "So guess where Mr. Ocean Phone turned up." "He's working for Firestone in Akron, Ohio." "Ohio?" "Yup." "I'm leaving first thing tomorrow morning." "You're flying to Akron just to zing a guy?" "Don't you understand?" "It's not about him." "To have a line as perfect as "jerk store" and to never use it." "I couldn't live with myself." "See, there are no jerk stores." "It's just a little confusing, is all." "It's smart." "It's a smart line, and a smart crowd will appreciate it." "And I'm not gonna dumb it down for some bonehead mass audience!" "Not you." "[###]" "WOMAN [ON TV]:" "Oh, these brittle bones." "How I long to be rid of the pain." "[PHONE RINGS]" "Hello." "Elaine, it's Vincent." "Vincent." "Where are you?" "I have to meet you." "No, I can't bear to have anyone see me." "Vincent, listen, I won't judge you the way everyone else does." "You're strange and beautiful and sensitive." "Now, let's have a look at you." "All right." "But can you bring me a few things from the store?" "I haven't been out in a while." "[CAR HORNS HONKING]" "Well, go around, you bunch of crazies." "Maniacs are gonna get us all killed." "WOMAN:" "Hi, can I help you?" "Oh, yeah, yeah, I'm Cosmo Kramer." "Yeah, I had an appointment to annul my living will." "Oh, Mr. Kramer, you had a 10:30 appointment." "It's 2:00." "Mr. Shellbach had a tennis lesson." "He's gone for the day." "[###]" "Too good." "Another game for Milos!" "[LAUGHING]" "You're on fire today." "Hey, Patty, look at this guy." "He's awful." "He's not a man, this Jerry." "He's not even married like I am." "Hey, Milos, I don't mind rolling over here, but could you lighten up on the "not a man" stuff?" "Hey, everybody, look." "The little chicken girl wants me to ease up." "He can't handle this." "He cries like a woman." "[LAUGHING]" "[###]" "[CLEARS THROAT]" "Hello?" "Vincent?" "VINCENT:" "Elaine?" "I got what you asked." "Just leave it and go." "Well, can I come in?" "No, go away, now." "No, no, Vincent, I. Oh, don't shut me out." "I just..." "I know you feel what I feel." "Excuse me, can I help you?" "VINCENT:" "Oh, damn it." "I'm here to see Vincent." "Well, I'm his mother." "Vincent, what's going on here?" "No, my acne!" "Acne?" "What do you have here?" "Vodka, cigarettes, fireworks." "What kind of a sick woman brings this to a 15-year-old?" "We have the same taste in movies." "Did he send you part of our VCR?" "MOTHER:" "Vincent?" "[###]" "Look at the big baby." "Hey, big baby, are you wetting yourself?" "Maybe it is time for you to be changed." "I told you to cut it out." "Come on, what are you doing?" "The baby got lucky on that one." "Shellbach." "Hey." "Racket?" "Oh!" "[###]" "So, George, you're proposing a Snow Tire Day at Yankee Stadium?" "As long as they don't throw them on the field." "Help yourself to some shrimp." "I brought enough for everybody." "I have to say, this..." "This proposal doesn't make a whole lot of sense." "Well, you never know." "Let's see how many I can fit in my mouth." "You know, George, the ocean called." "They're running out of shrimp." "[LAUGHING]" "Oh, yeah, Reilly?" "Well, the jerk store called." "They're running out of you." "What's the difference?" "You're their all-time bestseller." "[ALL LAUGHING]" "Yeah?" "Well, I had sex with your wife." "[CLEARS THROAT]" "His wife's in a coma." "[###]" "[KNOCKING ON DOOR]" "Hi." "How's he doing?" "He's been sleeping a lot." "He's still groggy." "Oh." "I thought a movie might cheer him up." "I got him a Gene pick." "What happened to Vincent?" "I'm kind of off of him." "Outlet?" "Ah." "[ELAINE GRUNTS]" "Ah!" "[###]" ""My wife's in a coma."" "Yeah?" "Well, the life-support machine called and..." "Stupid." "Wait." "Yes." "That's what I should have said." "[GROWLS]" "You're meat, Reilly!" "You just screwed yourself!" "[###]" "[###]" "Well, that was all right, huh?" "Yeah." "Well, uh... good night." "Yeah, good night." "[###]" "Hate this." "[###]" "[###]" "[###]" "HELEN:" "Jerry, we can only stay four days." "Well, I'm upset, but we'll make the most of it." "Helen, did you pack my travel gym?" "Yes." "Oh, your father bought an exercise device off television." "He does it every morning at 4." "Only 25 minutes a day, and you can attach it to any doorknob." "So I guess your travel miles are about to expire?" "Well, actually, Jerry, we wanted to talk to you about something." "Am I finally getting a baby brother?" "Jerry, be serious." "How would you feel if we sold the Cadillac?" "What?" "The Cadillac I bought for you?" "It's too much car, Jerry." "Oh, come on." "You love that car." "What about the Northstar system?" "I don't think we even use it." "Well, it's a gift, and I want you to keep it." "We already sold it." "Why didn't you tell me before you sold it?" "Because we had a buyer, and we couldn't get a free flight until now." "Well, we could, but we wanted the bulkhead." "Oh, my God." "Man, that Emily is wearing me out." "Kramer..." "No, no, no, it's not the sex, Jerry." "Hey, Seinfelds." "Hi, Kramer." "Hi, Kramer." "We're in the middle of a discussion here." "Yeah?" "What about?" "Jerry's upset." "We sold the Cadillac." "What did you get for it?" "Jack Klompus gave us 6 grand." "You sold my Cadillac to Jack Klompus?" "And we want you to have the money." "I don't need the money." "What are you talking about?" "You had a check bounce at the bodega." "Oh, is that what this is all about?" "I bounce a check and you sold a Cadillac?" "Well, also, Jerry, we read an article in the Sun-Sentinel." "It says that stand-up comedy is not what it used to be, what with Def Jam and all." "Yeah, that Def Jam is a force." "Jerry, you know, I hear wonderful things about Bloomingdale's executive training program." "Oh, my God." "You've given this comedy thing your best shot." "Yeah, you had some good observations, but it's over." "Now, this Bloomingdale thing:" "That could be the next wave." "[SIGHS]" "[###]" "Uh, excuse me." "A pound of Arabian Mocha Java, please." "So you understand how my Peterman stock options are gonna work?" "I'm going to the bathroom." "It's just very interesting." "Yeah, when it's your money it's fascinating." "Arabian Mocha Java." "Mm." "Oh, um, I got it." "That Arabian is strong coffee." "It's PLO blend." "Oh, I got your coffee." "Oh, here, let me..." "No, no." "It's on me." "Oh, man." "Okay, listen, guys, I'm gonna be late." "I'll see you, okay?" "Yeah." "Bye." "Mm." "You see what just happened here?" "What?" "She treated me to the Arabian Mocha Java." "And you misinterpret this how?" "She's sticking it to me that she makes more money than me." "I'm sure she was just being nice buying you the coffee." "No, not nice." "She's sticking it to me." "You're crazy." "Sticking it to me, Jerry." "George." "Sticking it!" "[###]" "So you're buying the car back for your parents?" "I'm flying down to Florida tomorrow." "Your parents will never let you do it." "They lie to me about selling the car, I'll lie to them about buying it back." "They think they can dump 6 grand on me?" "Think again." "What kind of money you think your parents have?" "Excuse me?" "I bet they have more money than mine." "Come on." "Your parents have money." "You think?" "When do they ever spend any money?" "Never." "What are their living expenses?" "Nothing." "Where do they ever go on vacation?" "Nowhere." "How much do you think they have?" "A few hundred grand?" "You're saying I stand to inherit $300,000?" "Is that what you're saying?" "Of course, you may not see it for 20 years." "Twenty years?" "That long?" "Does your father still eat bacon and eggs every day?" "Unfortunately, yes." "How's your family history?" "I have an aunt that died at 7." "Really?" "Aunt Baby." "[###]" "KRAMER:" "Elaine, you got a moment?" "Yeah, Kramer, come on in." "I need to speak to you about some lady problems." "Okay." "You know, after I have sex with Emily, I don't want her in the bed anymore." "Yeah, because she's throwing off my whole sleep." "She's got the jimmy legs." "Jimmy legs?" "Jimmy leg." "Ah." "So, uh..." "Well, maybe I should just be honest with her, huh?" "Tell her after sex you just want her out of there?" "Well, I'd say it nicely." "I don't think so." "Well, you know, I really like this girl." "I think if I could work out this one thing..." "Yeah, I gotta be honest with you, Kramer." "You might be more than just a couple of tweaks away from a healthy relationship." "Well, you're not exactly zeroing in yourself, lady." "All right, get out." "Get out!" "[###]" "So listen, I've gotta go down to Atlantic City." "I'm performing at Bally's." "You just heard about this today?" "They had a cancellation, and they instantly called me." "Who cancelled?" "Carrot Top." "I told you:" "My career is fine." "[###]" "GEORGE:" "I've been thinking about the family." "Tell me about Aunt Baby." "She's deceased." "Yeah." "Um, why did she die so young?" "She had problems." "Internal." "Is that common in our family?" "Well, your Uncle Moe, he died a young man." "Also internal problems." "It's that temper on your side." "They're yelling and yelling and then one day, they're all gone." "What about your side?" "Your cousin Henny." "She was sickly from the moment I met her." "Don't you talk about Henny!" "So I guess you two are the lucky ones." "So far." "Frank, if Aunt Baby were alive today, how old would she be?" "She'd never make it." "[###]" "So let me get this straight." "You enjoy the lovemaking..." "Shh." "Shh." "Well, do you?" "Oh, yeah." "Like strawberry pie." "Okay." "But you have a problem sharing a bed with me." "I know it's not what the ladies like... but without some solid sack time, I'm a zombie." "I don't know." "Oh, come on, man." "Meet me halfway." "You're not easy, Kramer." "I know." "[###]" "So to what do I owe the pleasure of this unannounced visit?" "I wanna buy back the Cadillac." "You wanna buy it back?" "Why?" "You got drugs hidden in the trunk?" "I'm kidding." "All right." "I'll give you 9000 for it." "Nine thousand for a Cadillac?" "It's got no miles on it." "You bought it for 6." "You're not me." "How much do you want for it?" "The Kelley Blue Book value: $22,000." "Fourteen thousand." "Done." "But I get to drive it tomorrow because Doris wants to go to Naples." "You need a pen?" "Still works." "[###]" "KRAMER:" "Hey, where's Jerry?" "He's performing at Bally's in Atlantic City." "Oh, okay." "Yeah, I need his shoeshine kit." "He always hides it from me." "Yeah, Bally's?" "Yeah, Jerry Seinfeld's room, please." "You know that number?" "I used to have a problem." "What do you mean, he's not registered?" "Well, S-E-l-N-V..." "F. F-E-L-D." "F-E-L-D." "Well, I think you're wrong." "All right, you have a lucky day too." "He's not there?" "No, they never heard of him." "[###]" "This is so nice of you to take us all out to dinner, George." "Well, as much as I enjoy all the good-natured ribbing, nothing really makes me happier than spending money on the people I care about." "Where's Jerry?" "Oh, he'll be here." "By the way, Elaine, thank you for laying out for the Arabian Mocha Java." "George, you didn't have to do this." "I'm president of a big company." "I can afford to buy you coffee." "President?" "Yeah." "Hey, look, he's back." "Hey." "Hey." "I got your message so I came straight from Atlantic City." "Jerry, Kramer called Bally's." "You weren't registered." "Well, I can't stay under my own name." "I was registered under "Slappy White."" "Mom." "Dad." "Well, look who's here." "Hello, Seinfelds." "What are you doing here?" "We're having an upscale dinner." "What?" "Well, after talking to you, we realized we may not have much time left." "So we're blowing it all." "Look, George, it's a Pierre Cardin." "[###]" "That was all right." "Yeah." "Well, I'll see you." "[###]" "[###]" "[PHONE RINGS]" "Hello." "Jerry." "I had a little mishap with the car." "I'm down here in Alligator Alley." "J ACK:" "You better get down here." "Uh, all right." "Who was that?" "That was the Golden Nugget... also in Atlantic City." "They heard such good things about my show at Bally's, they want me for tonight." "So I'll have to repack and go." "That didn't sound like the Golden Nugget." "I'm worried." "What happens if we have to support Jerry?" "I'll have to go back to work." "Where would you work?" "Maybe I should talk to Elaine." "[###]" "[###]" "Well, Mr. Seinfeld, I'm not sure I understand why you want a job here." "What's not to understand?" "Well, for one thing, you live in Florida." "I'm very comfortable working out of the house." "I have a phone." "We have a Kinko's nearby." "You know, I think that my résumé speaks for itself." "Where is your résumé?" "I don't have it." "I'll mail you one." "All right, Mr. Seinfeld, what kind of a position did you have in mind?" "You sell clothes here, don't you?" "Yeah." "Well, I sold raincoats in the garment centre for 38 years." "In 1949..." "All right." "All right." "All right." "You come in tomorrow." "We'll find something for you to do." "You won't regret this, Ms. Benes." "What time should I be in?" "I get up at 4." "I could be here as early as 4:25." "Oh, Elaine... this dry air is curing me like a Black Forest ham." "Mr. Peterman?" "You're back." "Who's Mr. Fancy?" "[###]" "I was thinking maybe I should spend the night." "Oh, that's sweet, but actually, I..." "I think I'd prefer it if you left." "What?" "You were completely right." "I sleep so much better when I'm alone." "And you scream in your sleep." "I do?" "There was a man." "He was trying to get into my apartment last night." "He was jiggling the doorknob for 25 minutes." "Come on." "It was probably the wind." "No, no." "No, it was a fearless cat burglar." "Now, listen, you gotta let me sleep here." "I'll stay over here on my side, and I'll stuff a sock in my mouth." "Because I don't wanna sleep alone." "Well, I do." "[###]" "What took you so long?" "I live in New York." "What the hell happened?" "This thing is a behemoth." "What did you do?" "I was making a simple lane change." "I put on the blinker, and it took off on me." "And the next thing you know, I was submerged." "I'm telling you, Jerry, I'm very lucky that those crocs didn't get me." "You are such an idiot." "Well, we got to get the car cleaned up for my parents." "Do whatever you want." "It's your car." "My car?" "You drove it into the swamp." "It drove itself into the swamp." "Besides, I think I lost my pen too." "You know, that almost makes this all worthwhile." "[###]" "Why is there a Cadillac parked in front of the house?" "That's your mother's new car." "You bought that?" "It's a "coupe de elegance."" "Your father wanted a Mercedes... but I won't ride in a German car." "Morning." "Oh, boy." "What the hell is going on here?" "I had some trouble at my place." "So I need a little company at night to sleep." "George, your mother and I and Kramer have been talking." "Oh, God." "George... your parents can't blow through their savings in this community." "It's low-rent." "We feel that Florida is really the place where they should be." "You can drop a grand in Disney World like that." "Wait a minute." "You're thinking of moving to Florida again?" "Well, it's either that or we stay here near you and just sit on the money." "What do you think we should do, Georgie?" "[###]" "So anyway, effective immediately, Ms. Benes will return to her old position, at her original salary." "And I, of course, will return to mine." "Kudos, Elaine, on a job done." "What about my stock options?" "I think not." "Now down to business." "I have had this vision of a diaphanous rumrunner scarf." "Well, we could fly some fabric in from our silk factories for about $1000 dollars a bolt." "A thousand?" "I know a couple of Chinamen over there on 43rd Street that will do it for half that." "It's Asian Americans." "What?" "Who are you?" "Don't worry..." "Morty Seinfeld." "I cut velvet for 40 years with Harry Alper." "Okay, Mr. Seinfeld, this is not..." "Elaine, did you hire this man?" "No, no..." "Well, I mean, he's more like an intern, you know, at best." "[###]" "So if your parents move to Florida, you're poor." "But happy." "Obviously." "And if they stay, you're rich, but..." "Obviously." "It's quite a dilemma." "You know, I have a bit of a dilemma of my own." "No, no, no." "We're staying on me." "We haven't solved anything yet." "All right." "This is easy." "Just let them go." "So now, listen..." "What do you mean, let them go?" "They're spending all my money." "All right." "Well, then they stay." "Let me ask you a ques..." "Could you put a little thought into this?" "Jerry's gone." "You could humour me." "He humours me." "Speaking of Jerry, his father is driving me so crazy down at Peterman's." "Know what I do when one of these old guys is breathing down my neck?" "What?" "You schedule a late meeting." "Huh?" "What does that do?" "These old guys, they're up at 4 a.m." "By 2:30, they're wiped..." "How did we get back on to you?" "I gotta go." "You know I got nothing out of this." "[###]" "Hey, Frank." "Yeah." "You got two beds in here." "That's right." "That's me on the left." "So you sleep in separate beds." "Thirty years ago we came to an agreement." "It was the only way I could get some rest." "Really?" "Estelle has got the jimmy arms." "You can get that in your arms?" "Like you wouldn't believe." "[###]" "J ACK:" "Jerry, it's getting late." "You cleaned up the car." "You made all your phone calls." "Why are you still here?" "Well, I maxed out my credit cards." "And I don't have enough cash for a hotel room." "So..." "You are thinking of staying here?" "Well..." "You've got some nerve." "I almost break my neck in that death-trap of yours and now you ask me for a favour?" "You didn't like that crack about the pen?" "I did not." "[###]" "GEORGE:" "Well, I've given this a lot of thought." "And I've gotta say..." "[DISHES CLATTERING]" "As much as I'd like to see the two of you living it up in a warm, tropical setting," "I would just miss you too much." "So I've decided..." "I want you to stay." "It's too late." "We bought a condo at Del Boca Vista." "We're leaving tonight." "You said it was my call." "We were just being nice." "Cosmo, are you sure you're gonna be all right here alone?" "Oh, yeah, I got Emily coming over tonight." "You're letting him have a woman over?" "He's not family." "It's different psychologically." "[###]" "And so I made an explosive out of chickpeas." "And I stopped that great rhino right in his tracks." "It's getting late." "Why don't we..." "Mr. Peterman... that can't have been the only time that you faced mortal danger." "Ha-ha-ha." "Funny you should ask, Elaine." "Look, if we're gonna stay here till all hours of the night, can't we at least get some food here?" "It's only 5: 15." "So later on that same day" "I developed a great hankering for some wild honey." "Okay, I'm done." "I'll be back in the morning when he's close to finished with this story." "Morty." "My stories are what sell these clothes." "Cheap fabric and dim lighting:" "That's how you move merchandise." "Okay." "You're out." "Ach!" "I never knew what the hell I was peddling with those stupid cartoons and that paper book anyway." "[###]" "[###]" "I don't know why I let you talk me into that corned beef at Snitzers." "No one held a gun to your head." "Yeah." "Don't forget, we're eating at the Fidermans' tomorrow night." "Why do I have to go?" "They're your friends." "You like them." "I've had it with them." "Then we won't go." "Okay, okay." "What time?" "Eight-thirty." "[BURPS]" "Ah, that was all right." "[###]" "[###]" ""One bright note in today's market was the stock of retailer J. Peterman... whose founder's surprise return generated a rise of 12 and a half points." Mm." "That means if you still had those stock options..." "Yeah." "That's a shame." "What are you, sticking it to me?" "What?" "I think you're sticking it to me." "Elaine, I'm sure George is just being sympathetic." "Sticking it!" "You're not alone." "I'm practically broke." "Really?" "No." "But..." "I did blow over 20,000 on that Cadillac." "Hm-mm-mm." "Delicious." "Well, you seem happy." "Hey, the folks are 1200 miles away." "I'm basking in the buffer zone." "Another piece of pie here." "So were your parents shocked to see the Cadillac?" "Actually, I haven't heard from them yet." "When are we gonna tell Jerry?" "I don't wanna worry him." "We'll tell him next time we go up." "He thought he could buy back that Cadillac for us?" "He's not getting away with that." "HELEN:" "Besides, that condo was too much house." "[###]" "How many times can you check the car?" "I saw a bum sleeping in a Cadillac the other day." "Why would someone break into a car to take a nap?" "They don't nap." "They make it their home." "They urinate in there." "You're driving me crazy." "That's it." "We're going back to Queens." "Where's my hat?" "No!" "[###]" "[###]" "The last president to have a beard?" "Nixon." "No, I mean a real thick beard." "His was thick." "No, I mean like a full, long beard, like Smith Brothers Cough Drops." "Falkmore." "Who?" "Artemis N. Falkmore." "You made that up, right?" "Yeah." "But it sounds like a president name?" "Yeah." "Why do presidents all have these bad names?" "Woodrow, Grover, Millard." "The presidency attracts the badly named." "Their ambition is based on personal insecurity." "It's classic male overcompensation." "Are you wearing lifts in those shoes?" "Cab." "[###]" "[###]" "So they have this clock now, where you punch in your age and all your risk factors and it actually counts down how much time you have left to live." "So, what's the great moment?" "You're on your deathbed, they're pounding on your chest, and you're going: "Ten, nine, eight..." "I told you this thing was good."" "I can't believe this is our first date." "I know." "How about dessert?" "I suppose I have to get a piece of cake." "Why?" "Today's my birthday." "What?" "Today?" "Really?" "Yep." "So she went out with you on a first date and it was her birthday?" "Yeah, and she picked the day." "Is she socially awkward?" "No, she's great." "She's attractive and fun." "Well, maybe she decided to celebrate her birthday on the Monday after the weekend." "She's not Lincoln." "Hey." "Anybody up for Lorenzo's pizza?" "I'll pass." "Oh, really?" "Hey, George, huh?" "Pizza." "I can't." "I gotta go down to the foundation." "I'm interviewing high schoolers for the Susan Ross Scholarship." "Does it ever bother you that this organization" "Nope." "is beating the bushes" "No." "to basically give this money away" "No." "to virtually anyone as long as they're not you?" "I'm fine with it." "Fine, I say." "[###]" "And then I received a 740 on the English Achievement Test." "Quick, what's your favourite animal?" "I don't know." "Frog?" "Frog?" "Well, I..." "Frog is wrong." "I see here that you play the harp." "Tell me, why do they have to tilt it?" "Can't they just build it on an angle?" "Save you a lot of trouble." "Well, the modern-day harp has been refined over thousands of years back to..." "Yeah, yeah, we'll let you know." "I see your GPA is 4.0." "You like that, don't you?" "So, Steven, I see you're president of the chess club." "State champs." "Who's your favourite chess player?" "[MUMBLES] Nastercoff?" "Right." "[MUMBLES] Nastercoff." "What country is he from again?" "I don't know." "I made it up." "I'm never gonna get this thing." "Whoa, whoa, whoa." "What are you telling me for?" "You really had me going there." "Come on, sit down." "What do you wanna do when you grow up?" "Well, I've been telling people that I'd like to be an architect." "[###]" "ELAINE:" "So get this, Mr. Peterman is finally letting me do some real writing." "He's got this book deal for his autobiography." "He's gonna let me ghost-write it." "Wow, that's great." "When it comes out," "I'll have to get someone to ghost-read it." "Hey." "Oh, hi." "Hey." "Hey." "So there I am at Lorenzo's, loading up my slice at the fixings bar." "Garlic and whatnot." "Mmm..." "When I see this guy over at the pizza boxes giving me the stink eye." "So I give him the crook eye back, you know?" "And I notice that he's not alone." "I'm taking on the entire Van Buren Boys." "Van Buren Boys?" "KRAMER:" "Yeah." "There's a street gang named after President Martin Van Buren?" "Oh, yeah, and they're just as mean as he was." "So I make a move to the door, you know?" "They block it." "So I lunge for the bathroom." "I grab the knob." "Occupied." "Then they back me up against the cartoon map of Italy, and all of a sudden they just stop." "What?" "What happened?" "Because I'm still holding the garlic shaker, like this:" "I'm only showing eight fingers." "Well, what does that mean?" "That's their secret sign." "See, Van Buren, he was the eighth president." "They thought I was a former Van B Boy." "Wow." "How was the pizza?" "It was a little oily." "[###]" "Oh." "Jerry, can you hold on a sec?" "I just wanna check my messages." "Oh, Melissa, Kim." "Ellen." "Hey." "I want you to meet Jerry." "Oh, we've heard a lot about you." "It is so sweet of you to take her out." "Yeah, you don't even know how much she needs this." "Is she coming off a bad break-up?" "No." "See you." "Get your messages?" "Yeah." "No one called." "[###]" "They acted like it was some act of charity, just going out with her." "So she's the loser of the group." "Every group has someone that they all make fun of." "Like us with Elaine." "There's no way Ellen is the loser of that group." "Are you looking deep down at the real person underneath?" "No, I'm being as superficial as I possibly can." "Well, stick with it." "Yeah." "I found someone for the scholarship." "Yeah?" "I'm interviewing all these annoying little overachievers, and finally this kid walks in, Steven Koren, a regular guy." "Likes sports, watches TV." "Is he smart?" "He knows how to read." "And he also knows that finishing an entire book doesn't prove anything." "But get this:" "He's into architecture." "Hey, just like you pretend to be." "Yes, with a little guidance," "Steven Koren is going to be everything I claim to be, only for real." "That's my dream, Jerry." "I had a dream last night that a hamburger was eating me." "[###]" "Mr. Peterman, thanks for having me over. I..." "Your place isn't quite what I imagined." "Oh, it's just a place to flop." "Well, what part of your life do you wanna start with?" "Foreign intrigue?" "Exotic romances?" "Oh, Elaine, we've covered all of that in the catalogue, ad nauseam." "No, I would like this book to be about my day-to-day life." "Oh." "Oh, damn, they changed the cable stations again, just when I finally memorized them." "Well, Mr. Peterman, do you wanna...?" "Two:" "CBS." "Get, um, started?" "Three..." "I don't know what that is." "Where's my damn preview channel?" "Well, I gotta tell you, Mr. Peterman," "I don't know if I see a whole book here." "Well, I'm sure we'll come up with something." "What do you say you and I order ourselves a pie?" "Do you like Lorenzo's?" "You know, a friend of mine almost got beat up at that place by the Van Buren Boys." "You don't say?" "Yeah." "The only thing that saved him is that he accidentally flashed their secret gang sign." "Well, that's pretty exciting." "Yeah." "Let's put that in the book." "But that didn't happen to you." "Well, so we pay off your friend, and it becomes a Peterman." "No, I really don't think you can do that." "Oh, damn, I forgot to buy plant food again." "I'll bet I got a coupon for it." "You know what?" "Maybe I better talk to my friend." "[###]" "Is that the same outfit you were wearing yesterday?" "No, this is brand-new." "Do you like it?" "Actually, yeah." "Wait a second." "Is that the fork that fell on the floor?" "Are you using the fork that fell on the floor?" "No, Jerry, the waitress gave me another one." "I guess that's all right." "Is something wrong, Jerry?" "No, absolutely nothing." "You're fantastic." "JERRY:" "Hey, guys." "Hey." "Kramer, George, this is Ellen." "[###]" "Ladies and gentlemen, I am happy to introduce you to the first Susan Ross Scholar." "This is Steven Koren." "His GPA is a solid 2.0." "Right in that meaty part of the curve." "Not showing off, not falling behind." "George, the qualifications for this scholarship were supposed to be largely academic." "I'm sure we're all aware of the flaws and biases of standardized tests." "These aren't standardized tests." "These are his grades." "Besides, Steven Koren has the highest of aspirations." "He wants to be... an architect." "Is that right?" "Actually, maybe I could set my sights a little bit higher." "Steven, nothing is higher than architect." "I think I'd really like to be a city planner." "You know?" "Why limit myself to one building when I can design a whole city?" "Well, that's a good point." "No, it's not." "Isn't an architect just an art-school dropout with a tilting desk and a big ruler?" "It's called a T-square." "You know, the stupidest guy in my fraternity became an architect after he flunked out of dental school." "Congratulations, young man." "Thank you very, very much." "Susan would be very proud of what you're doing." "STEVEN:" "Thank you." "And they made it their sign because Van Buren, our eighth president, was the man they most admired." "[LAUGHING]" "Kramer, my friend, that is one ripping good yarn." "You know, if you liked that one, I got more." "What are you looking for?" "Romance?" "Comedy?" "Adventure?" "Erotica?" "No, Kramer, I don't think..." "How much would you take for the whole lot?" "My whole life?" "Name your price, man." "$1500." "I'll give you half that." "Done." "Kramer, my friend, you consider Elaine at your disposal." "Okay." "Well, I..." "I like to work in the evenings." "[###]" "[###]" "Would you please just get on with the stupid Bob Sacamano story?" "Okay." "Well, I'm on the phone with Bob, and I realize right then and there that I need to return this pair of pants." "So I'm off to the store." "What happened to Bob Sacamano?" "Well, nothing." "His part of the story is done." "So I'm waiting for the subway." "It's not coming." "So I decided to hoof it through the tunnel." "All right." "Well, now, that's something." "Well, I don't know if I lost track of time or what." "But the next thing I knew..." "A train is bearing down on you?" "No, I slipped and fell in mud, ruining the very pants I was about to return." "I don't understand." "You were wearing the pants you were returning?" "Well, I guess I was." "What were you gonna wear on the way back?" "Elaine, are you listening?" "I didn't even get there." "All right." "Next story." "I think I've got enough for one day." "Yeah, yeah." "Chew on that." "Yeah, I'll chew on that." "Oh, hey, listen." "By the way, I'm hosting a little get-together tonight in honour of my little financial upturn." "Oh, thanks, I've got plans." "Yeah, Elaine, you should be there to document it." "Oh, you're getting together with some of your jackass friends?" "You want me to take notes?" "Yeah, but get there after 9." "You know, give the people a chance to loosen up." "[###]" "So you're denying him the scholarship just because he wants to be a city planner?" "I was betrayed." "That kid was like a son to me." "And if there's one person you should be able to hold down, it's your own flesh and blood." "Like my father and my father's father before him." "You know, maybe philanthropy is not your field." "[PHONE RINGING]" "Hello." "Oh, hi, Ellen." "Yeah, I called the hotel." "We're all set for the weekend." "Spending the weekend with Ellen?" "Vermont." "You know what, they said we can stay an extra couple of days if we want." "Four days at a beautiful bed-and-breakfast." "JERRY:" "I can't wait." "Bye-bye." "What?" "What is this?" "You wanna start?" "No, no, no." "You go ahead." "I gotta get my thoughts together." "Jerry, this whole Ellen situation has gone far enough." "What?" "Jerry, she's a loser." "Where is this coming from?" "She's great." "Why are you doing this, Jerry?" "Is it your career?" "Things are gonna pick up." "There's nothing wrong with my career." "Well, I still like the Bloomingdale's executive-training program for him." "Thought we said we weren't gonna discuss that now." "It's something he should consider." "Of course he should consider it." "But now is not the time." "Listen, these issues are interrelated." "All right." "Excuse me." "I'm not buying any of this." "All right, so, what are you saying?" "That we're wrong?" "Oh, everybody's wrong but you." "You know, this is like that Twilight Zone where the guy wakes up and he's the same, and everybody else is different." "Which one?" "They were all like that." "[###]" "[WHISTLING]" "Why did you take away my scholarship, Mr. Costanza?" "Well, Steven, I..." "These are my new friends, the Van Buren Boys." "He became so disillusioned, he had to join us." "Oh." "Nice." "I want my scholarship back so I can be a city planner." "What about architect, Steven?" "City planner." "[###]" "MAN:" "Great party, K-Man." "KRAMER:" "Yeah, you got that straight." "Hey, Elaine, try the beef, because that's real au jus sauce, huh?" "Real au jus sauce." "Huh?" "I'll make a note of it." "Hey, Kramer." "Yeah." "Ramirez has never heard your story." "Oh, okay." "Well, you know, I had Bob Sacamano on the phone, and I suddenly realized that I..." "Hey, Kramer, Kramer." "You can't tell that story now." "It belongs to Peterman." "What do you mean?" "You signed the release." "Yeah." "He sat in mud, not you." "But I did sit in mud." "You didn't." "You never sat in mud." "I was all dirty." "It never happened, you understand?" "MAN:" "Come on." "Hey, hey!" "Hey, all right." "Yeah." "Finish the story?" "Oh, yeah, well, I..." "Yeah, the pants..." "They..." "They, uh..." "They fit well and so I, uh, decided I wasn't gonna return them." "Whoo-hoo-hoo!" "It's getting late." "We better get going." "Okay." "Huh?" "What, you're gonna go now?" "Hey, whoa." "Come..." "I don't..." "Kramer, Kramer, I got big trouble with the Van Buren Boys." "Now, they're tough cookies." "Yeah, I heard that you got on their good side." "What did you do?" "Uh..." "Oh, nothing, nothing." "No, I certainly don't have any stories if that's what you're implying." "You know what those guys are gonna do to me?" "Yeah, well, you know, you didn't hear it from me, but the Van Buren Boys, they never hassle their own kind." "You mean, like a former member?" "[###]" "These Kramer stories are unusable." "I mean, some of them aren't even stories." "Look, this is the list of things in his apartment." "Is my toaster oven on there?" "How am I ever gonna turn this into a book?" "Well, just shape them, change them." "You're a writer." "Yes." "I'm a writer." "Make them interesting." "Interesting." "Of course." "People love interesting writing." "Well, I gotta go to the airport." "I'm picking up my parents." "What?" "Weren't they just here?" "Yeah, I'm flying them in to meet Ellen." "I don't know where to turn." "I gotta see what they think of her." "Maybe we can all have dinner later." "I don't think so." "I'm gonna try and get them to fly right back tonight." "Oh, hey." "Hey, have I told you about my bunions?" "Oh, you're gonna love this story." "So I line up my cold cuts on the couch next to me, but as I'm stacking them up, they keep falling into my footbath." "Kramer, this is awful." "We don't wanna hear about this." "Damn." "What?" "Oh, I bought a bunch of bunion stories from Newman." "But they all stink." "How much did you pay for them?" "Eight bucks." "I think I'm getting ripped off." "[SHOUTS] Newman!" "[###]" "ELAINE:" "Well, what didn't you like about the first chapter?" "Well, it started out nicely." "I'm returning some pants, a very identifiable problem." "I set off down a train tunnel." "Now, that's where the story takes a most unappealing turn." "Oh, no, no, that's where it gets interesting." "Don't you see?" "The train is bearing down on you, you dive into a side tunnel, and you run into a whole band of underground tunnel dwellers." "It just seems so clichéd and obvious." "It's not interesting writing." "Yeah, yeah, I know." "Um..." "How about if instead of diving from the train, you?" "I don't know." "You slip and fall in some mud... and ruin your pants?" "The very pants I was returning." "That's perfect irony." "Elaine, that is interesting writing." "[INTERCOM BUZZES] I have a Cosmo Kramer on line four." "Peterman here." "Mr. Peterson, you gotta sell me my stories back." "You wanna know something?" "I no longer need them." "No, no, no, Mr. Peterman, why don't we keep them as a reference." "Nonsense." "I have Benes' wonderfully imaginative mind to spin my stories." "You take back your tales, you vagabond." "KRAMER [OVER PHONE]:" "Yippee-aye-yay!" "There you are, Elaine." "Go forth and create." "And by the way, when you get to that chapter about my romantic escapades, feel free to toss yourself into the mix." "[###]" "Hey, Van B Boys." "So, Mr. Costanza, did you get my scholarship back?" "Now, fellas, fellas, easy." "Wouldn't wanna beat up on one of your own." "Is that right?" "Then why don't you flash us the sign?" "Right." "The sign." "That's not the sign." "It was when I was banging." "All right, if you are really one of us, let's see you take the wallet off the next guy who walks by." "Love to." "[###]" "And after college I got my master's at the Sorbonne." "Sorbonne." "Oh, hey, that's in Paris." "Oh, Jerry, your parking meter is about to expire." "Don't get up." "I've got change." "So, what do you think?" "Jerry, she is fantastic." "I knew it." "I'm not crazy." "She's so sweet." "And she's got some body on her." "And smart, like a computer." "And so much personality." "But it doesn't matter what we think." "Do you like her?" "Now I'm not so sure." "Well, she's 10 times better than that awful Amber girl that you were with." "Yeah, Amber." "I wonder if she's back from Vegas." "[###]" "All right, no more stalling." "Next one or you're meat." "All right." "All right." "Seinfelds." "Hey, George." "Listen, you gotta do me a favour." "Give me your wallet." "I'll give it back to you later." "How are your folks?" "Trying to pick out a new couch." "You don't wanna know." "Give me your wallet or I'll spill your guts right here on the street." "What did you say?" "Come on, hurry up, old man." "I'm an animal." "You're being very rude." "Come on, Morty." "Please, they're gonna hit me." "What?" "George Costanza, what is the matter with you?" "Tell your parents we said hi." "[GEORGE YELLING]" "[###]" "[###]" "Hey, if I were a gigolo, how much do you think I could charge a night?" "Here or in Japan?" "What's the difference?" "Well, the Japanese are more enlightened." "They can see beyond the physical." "Forget Japan." "How much would you pay?" "Oh, I don't know." "A dollar." "I think I'm worth at least 300." "Oh, I don't think so." "Hey, that's for all night." "I know." "You're demeaning me." "You're a gigolo." "Well, you hired me." "I'm the victim here." "Did I force you into this life?" "Yes." "You and every woman like you." "[###]" "[###]" "Look how dark it's getting already." "It's not daylight-savings time yet." "When does it start?" "I don't know." "They just tell you the night before." "Well, I'm sick of waiting." "I am springing ahead right now." "Oh, I'm sure that won't cause any problems." "Oh, God, it's Mike Moffet." "Oh, now, don't tell me you're still mad at him for calling you a phoney." "Jerry, that was five years ago." "I'm not a phoney and I don't want anything to do with this guy." "Mike!" "Mike." "Come here." "Kramer, Jerry, how's it going?" "Fine." "And I'm not just saying that." "Guess what." "I just started my own business." "I'm a bookie." "No openings in arson?" "Either of you guys wanna place a bet, I'm your guy." "No, no, no." "No bets for me." "I got a disease." "I'm feeling a bit queasy myself." "Maybe I'll see you in another five years." "Kramer, Jerry's still mad about that phoney thing?" "Are you kidding?" "It's all water near a bridge." "Oh, what time do you got?" "Oh, yes." "It's almost 6." "Whoa, I'm really late." "[###]" "Oh!" "These designs look great." "Peggy, you really saved me." "It was no problem." "Mr. Peterman is gonna love them." "Thanks, Susie." "[###]" "You won't believe this, but as I'm leaving, she calls me Susie." "I don't see you as a Susie." "Sharon, maybe." "What am I, a bulimic, chain-smoking stenographer from Staten Island?" "Who are you describing?" "Someone I know." "Named Sharon?" "I'd rather not say." "Hey." "What's in the bag?" "New tuxedo for the Pinstripe Ball." "Steinbrenner is throwing a huge party at Tavern on the Green." "Kind of a Yankee prom?" "It's not a prom." "It's a ball." "You taking Allison?" "Yes, of course I'm taking Allison." "This woman is genetically engineered to go to a ball." "Tall, blond, lithe." "Live?" "Lithe." "Live?" "Lithe." "Oh, lithe." "Well, you two will have a great time there." "It can't be worse than this." "Wait till you see the dress that she's got." "It's backless." "I'm finally gonna make a great entrance." "Backless?" "You gonna back her in?" "Elaine, when a woman makes a ball entrance, she twirls." "She's not gonna twi..." "She'll twirl." "[###]" "That is what Mr. Steinbrenner wants." "He wants everyone to twirl around." "All right." "Great." "Hey, listen did you get your boss's Knick ticket for Kramer?" "Yeah, here." "Great." "Say, George..." "Whoo, courtside." "Is that the best you could do?" "George, we need to talk." "What?" "I really think we need to talk." "Uh-oh." "[###]" "JERRY:" "She wants to talk?" "She doesn't want to talk." "She needs to talk." "Nobody needs to talk." "Who would want to?" "She tried to end it with me, Jerry." "What did you do?" "I told her I was out of soda." "I went out to get some, and I never went back." "All night?" "Yeah, I slept at my parents' house." "And she wants to break up with you." "Can you believe it?" "I'm supposed to be having lunch with her right now at Pomodoro." "Uh-oh." "Everybody breaks up at Pomodoros." "So, what am I gonna do?" "You really like this girl." "No, I like the ball." "This is my one chance to make a great entrance." "My whole life, I've never made a great entrance." "You've made some fine exits." "So, what do you do?" "You can't keep avoiding her." "Why not?" "If she can't find me, she can't break up with me." "And if we're still going out, she has to go to the ball." "Hey." "Oh, listen, did you get my ticket from Allison?" "Yeah, yeah." "Right here." "All right." "Courtside." "Don't let this girl get away." "She'll have to find me first." "Huh?" "Oh, by the way, you owe Mike $100." "What for?" "Well, I put a bet down for you on tonight's game." "Yeah, if the Knicks beat the Pacers by more than 35, it pays 10-1." "That's some sweet action." "But I don't want any sweet action." "Well, I couldn't do it." "I got a gambling problem." "So you put down my money?" "You don't have a problem." "Not with that, no." "[###]" "Susie." "Susie." "Hi, Peggy." "Look, I should have said this yesterday..." "Did you get this memo from Elaine Benes?" "Yeah, see..." "You know, it's amazing" "Peterman hasn't fired that dolt." "She practically ran the company into the ground." "Well, I thought she did a pretty good job." "I heard she was a disaster, Suz." "Lookit." "It's not Suz, all right?" "It's Susie." "My name is Susie." "[###]" "[PHONE RINGING]" "["THEME FROM GREATEST AMERICAN HERO" PLAYS ON MESSAGE]" "GEORGE:" "# Believe it or not George isn't at home #" "# Please leave a message At the beep #" "# I must be out Or I'd pick up the phone #" "# Where could I be?" "#" "# Believe it or not, I'm not home ##" "[MACHINE BEEPS]" "George, pick up." "I know you're screening for Allison." "Hey." "So coffee shop?" "No, I can't." "She knows I go there." "It's not secure." "[PHONE BEEPS]" "Hey, I got another call coming in." "I gotta let the machine get it." "Bye." "[PHONE RINGS]" "["THEME FROM GREATEST AMERICAN HERO" PLAYS ON MESSAGE]" "GEORGE:" "# Believe it or not George isn't at home #" "# Please leave a message At the beep #" "# I must be out Or I'd pick up the phone #" "# Where could I be?" "#" "# Believe it or not, I'm not home ##" "[MACHINE BEEPS]" "ALLISON [ON MACHINE]:" "George, are you there?" "I hate that stupid message." "I know you're av oiding me." "I'm at the office." "Please call me." "I've gotta talk to you." "Hi, Allison." "Oh, I guess you're not at home." "I probably should have tried you at the office." "Anyway, good to hear from you." "Really looking forward to the ball." "[###]" "ELAINE:" "Can you believe this woman?" "The nerve." "Talking about you behind your back, and right to your face." "No." "Suz." "I mean, Susie, Suzanne, Susanna." "Fine." "But there is no way I'm gonna be a Suz." "No." "No Suz." "I mean, what am I?" "Some pom-pom waving, back-seat bimbo?" "Who are you describing?" "Someone I know." "Named Suz?" "No, still Sharon." "Hey." "Hey, I thought you went to the game." "No, I was kicked out for fighting with one of the players." "Wait." "Wait." "Wait." "Who?" "Reggie Miller." "Cheryl Miller's brother?" "Yeah." "Hey, hey, hey." "Wait." "Wait." "Wait." "What happened?" "Well, first of all, for some reason, they started the game an hour late." "And, I don't know, I was sitting next to Spike Lee." "And he and Reggie were jawing at each other." "So I guess I got involved." "Wait." "Wait." "Wait." "What do you mean, "involved"?" "Well, I ran out onto the court and threw a hot dog at Reggie Miller." "Involved." "Then they threw me and Reggie and Spike out of the game." "So that's it?" "Well, you know, I felt pretty bad about everything." "Then the three of us, we went to a strip club." "Can you believe that?" "I didn't know Cheryl Miller's little brother played basketball." "Knicks killed them, 110-73." "Well, of course, without Reggie Miller, it's a blowout." "No, Jerry, that's 37 points." "The Knicks covered." "You won." "See, that's a cool G, daddy-o." "Now, you gotta let it ride." "On what?" "Come on, Jerry," "I don't wanna lose this feeling." "Hey, let's go down to the OTB, we'll put money on the ponies." "Yeah, all right." "They just closed." "Oh, too bad." "[###]" "ELAINE:" "Mr. Peterman, you wanted to see me?" "Apparently Peggy down in Design got into a little bit of a tiff yesterday with somebody named Susie." "Susie." "Yes." "And between you, me and the lamppost, and the desk," "Peggy says this Suz isn't much of a worker." "It's Susie." "Nevertheless, Elaine, the house of Peterman is in disorder." "First thing tomorrow morning, I wanna see you, Peggy and Susie right here in my office." "All of us?" "[###]" "[KNOCKING]" "Allison, hi." "Listen, I'm really sorry about what happened at the game last night." "Listen, could I have that ticket tonight?" "Because the Rockets are in town and that Hakeem Olajuwon, he's got a real attitude." "Kramer, have you seen George around?" "I can't get ahold of him." "Oh, yeah." "Yeah." "Well, he visits the guy across the hall from me like every 10 minutes." "Oh, yeah?" "# Believe it or not George isn't at home ##" "MIKE:" "Hey, Jerry." "Hey, Mike." "How about those Knicks?" "How about them?" "Look, Jerry, I can't pay you." "Why not?" "Because I don't have the money." "Mike, you say you're a bookie, you take a bet and then you can't pay." "I don't know, Mike, to me it sounds a little, how you say, phoney." "Just give me till Friday." "Please, please?" "You know, you're supposed to be the bookie." "Act like one." "I'm sorry." "Here, let me give you a hand with that." "There's something wrong this trunk." "Oh, let me see." "[SCREAMING]" "[###]" "GEORGE:" "So, Kramer, why'd you ask me out to dinner?" "And why Pomodoro?" "How could you say that to me?" "Allison spoke to me and she wanted me to speak to you." "Uh-oh." "Now, we all know that this relationship isn't working." "So Allison and I think that the best thing to do is just make a clean break." "Can't we discuss this?" "We just don't think you're ready for a serious relationship." "I didn't even know you wanted to get serious." "So, what am I in this for?" "You know, I'm getting to a point in my life where I need something more than just a good time." "Are you?" "What, me?" "No, no." "But she is." "I can't believe this is happening." "George, we're sorry." "We're through." "Kramer, please." "[WHIMPERS]" "KRAMER:" "I'm sorry." "[###]" "ELAINE:" "Mr. Peterman, Peggy." "I guess we should just get this over with." "Just hold on a minute." "We're still one short." "Oh." "No, we're not." "Susie has been very rude to me." "Well, Elaine has nothing but good things to say about Susie." "Look." "We don't have to name names or point fingers... or name names." "Me and her have had our problems." "She and I have had our problems." "You and I and she and you." "Don't you drag me into this." "This is between you and her and her." "Yes." "And I am convinced that if she were here with us today, she would agree with me too." "Who?" "Her." "Where is she?" "Ah, this is part of the problem." "I thought I was part of this problem." "You're a huge part of the problem." "But I think that at its core, this is a Susie-and-Elaine problem that requires a Susie-and-Elaine solution." "And who better to do that than..." "Elaine and Susie, Susie and Elaine." "Well, now that we have that cleared up, why don't the three of us have lunch?" "What?" "Oh." "Oh, I'm coming." "I gotta go." "She is the best." "What was your name again?" "[###]" "KRAMER:" "Mike's outside." "He wants to talk to you." "Then why doesn't he just come in?" "Because he's scared, Jerry." "Why is he scared?" "Come on, Mike." "Did you do this?" "Yeah, but..." "Ah, ah!" "You broke his thumbs." "It was an accident." "Is that what you call it when somebody doesn't pay up?" "I'll get you the money." "I got a hundred dollars in my front pocket if you wanna reach in and take it." "I don't want it that way." "Okay, how about Mike fixes your trunk, we call it even, and this way nobody has to get hurt." "Fine." "Thank you, Jerry." "Thank you." "I won't forget this." "I'm gonna fix your trunk good." "Real good." "See, that was nice, Jerry." "Oh, by the way, I'm the one who broke your trunk." "Ah, it's just a car." "Hi." "Hi." "It's funny running into you here." "Yeah." "Yeah." "It's funny." "You look good." "Do I?" "Thanks." "You too." "Oh, yeah." "[MUTTERS]" "It's getting kind of late." "I really have to be going." "Yeah." "Yeah." "So it's nice seeing you again." "Hey, you know, maybe I'll call you sometime." "George, it's over." "It's just..." "It's over." "What do you think, Jerry?" "I don't know, I just see you guys together." "[###]" "Stupid thumbs." "[ENGINE STARTS]" "[SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]" "Somebody help." "Help!" "[###]" "JERRY:" "So Peterman bought it?" "I can't believe you got away with that." "Well, I'm very fortunate to be surrounded by such stupidity." "Yeah, I know how you feel." "Help!" "[POUNDING]" "You hear something?" "What?" "Jerry." "Jerry." "Oh, the trunk's broken." "It's rattling." "Jerry, I don't know how much longer I can keep this up." "They're starting to give Susie assignments now." "Well, there's only one thing to do." "Eliminate her." "ELAINE:" "What?" "JERRY:" "Get rid of Susie." "Make her disappear." "ELAINE:" "But I kind of like her." "JERRY:" "She's gone." "ELAINE:" "But, Jerry..." "JERRY:" "Gone." "[JERRY LAUGHING]" "The bumper sticker." "[BOTH LAUGHING]" "[CRYING]" "Oh, God, I'm in trouble." "[###]" "[KNOCKING]" "GEORGE:" "Kramer, open up." "I know you're in there." "George?" "Come on." "It's 5:00 in the morning." "What's the matter with you?" "It's only 4." "Huh?" "I've been walking around all night." "I've been thinking about Allison and me and you." "Oh..." "Come on, George." "Please, give me another chance." "I know I'm gonna regret this." "All right." "Thank you." "I'm gonna make you both so happy." "Okay." "All right." "I'll see you later." "Whoo!" "[###]" "PETERMAN:" "Elaine, where's Susie?" "I want her to head up our new fingerless-glove division." "Oh, but I thought I was in line for that assignment." "Mmm..." "Nah." "All right, then, I was gonna wait to tell you this... but last night, Susie..." "She took her own life." "Oh!" "Mr. Peterman." "[###]" "[KNOCKING]" "We're taking George back." "What?" "He's gonna make us very happy." "[###]" "ELAINE:" "Look at this turnout." "Where did Susie find the time to meet all these people?" "My real funeral's not gonna come close to this." "Oh, my God." "Susie?" "How...?" "I'm not Susie." "I'm Elaine." "But I've been calling you Susie." "Oh, hadn't noticed." "Excuse me." "I guess I never met Susie." "Suz?" "I actually had a little thing with her for a while." "Her too." "What can you say about a girl like Susie?" "[###]" "[###]" "Hey." "Where's, uh...?" "Where's Allison?" "No, Allison, she didn't wanna come." "But you took me back." "Well, yeah, I did, but she's a tough nut." "How do you like the tuxedo?" "It's a rental, but I've had it for 15 years." "All right." "Where are you going?" "The ball, silly." "No, no, no." "You're not going in there." "George, I thought you were gonna change." "For her, not for you." "Let's just try and have a nice time for once." "And we'll talk about this when we get home." "All right, look." "Wait." "Wait." "Kramer." "Wait." "Wait a minute." "You are not..." "You are not going in." "[FABRIC TEARS]" "Wow!" "What an entrance." "And who might this be?" "Oh, I'm with him." "Yeah." "[###]" "And also much like me, Susie hated going to the market." "Elaine, may I say a few words?" "Oh, God, yes, Mr. Peterman." "[PETERMAN SIGHS]" "I don't think I'll ever be able to forget Susie." "And most of all, I will never forget that one night, working late on the catalogue, just the two of us, and we surrendered to temptation." "And it was pretty good." "Yeah, but he didn't sleep with both of them." "But I never heard her cries for help, and now Susie is gone." "MIKE:" "Hold on!" "Susie didn't commit suicide." "She was murdered... by Jerry Seinfeld!" "[CROWD MURMURING]" "Not only that, I broke his thumbs." "[###]" "[###]" "PETERMAN:" "Elaine, guess what." "I've decided to form a charitable foundation in Susie's honour, and as Susie's best friend, I want you to be involved." "Mr. Peterman..." "I'm Susie." "She's me." "I feel the same way." "And that's why this foundation will meet around your schedule." "Nights, weekends, every free moment you have." "Suz!" "[###]" "Morning." "Morning." "I hope you don't mind baking-soda flavour." "Oh, baking soda, annoying little product." ""I can do this, I can do that." Why doesn't this stuff just shut up?" "Let me grab you a towel." "Ugh." "Oh." "Ugh." "Ugh." "Oh-oh." "[###]" "So?" "So?" "She used the toothbrush." "You grabbed it out of there real fast?" "Yeah." "So I'm sure whatever germs it landed on were knocked out." "And by the time the rest realized what was going on, you had already grabbed it out." "How many years of med school did you have?" "Was she mad?" "You didn't tell her." "Jenna's like me." "She's very..." "Finicky?" "Prissy?" "Fastidious?" "I'll take "fastidious."" "What is that?" "Oh." "Steinbrenner gave them to us." "In honour of Phil Rizzuto being inducted into the Hall of Fame." "RIZZUTO:" "Holy cow." "They don't actually have to squeeze his head to get him to say "Holy cow," do they?" "Just the last few innings of a double-header." "Hey." "Look at this." "I'm in the passing lane of the Arthur Berkhardt Expressway, going 70, and:" "[IMITATES EXPLOSION]" "Dragged this thing for five exits." "Why didn't you pull over?" "Well, I was drafting behind a semi." "I didn't wanna lose him." "The infrastructure, Jerry, it's crumbling." "Holy cow." "Oh, look at that." "Talking Nixon." "[PHONE RINGS]" "MAN [OVER PHONE]:" "China Panda." "Yeah, I'd like to place an order." "Uh, yes, what you like?" "This supreme flounder, it says "First time served in America."" "Is that true?" "What number?" "Forty-seven?" "Yeah, first time." "What else?" "Uh, that's it." "Address." "78 West 86th Street, apartment 3E." "That's south side." "Sorry, we don't deliver below 86." "I'm not below." "Yes, you are." "Street itself is boundary." "Your guy can't cross to my side?" "If we deliver to you, then what?" "85th Street?" "Wall Street?" "Mexico?" "84th Street?" "All right, fine." "I'll just cross and meet him." "Sorry." "Food only for those who live within boundary." "[DIALLING]" "[RINGS]" "China Panda." "[DISGUISING VOICE] Uh, yeah, yeah." "Uh, I'd like to place an order." "Uh, what you like?" "[###]" "Whoa." "Well, I'm a papa." "Bring it on." "Nothing's throwing me at this point." "Well, as of today, I am a proud parent of a one-mile stretch of the Arthur Berkhardt Expressway." "Oh, that Adopt-A-Highway thing." "Yeah." "I'm part of the solution now, Jerry." "Yeah." "I went down there and I checked it out this morning." "Here, take a look." "Mile 114." "Oh, looks just like you." "Oh, I'm beaming, Jerry." "What do you have to do?" "Pay to keep it clean?" "No, no." "They try to push you into using their cleaning crew with all their so-called maintenance equipment." "That old scam." "That's why I'm doing it all myself." "This parenting isn't about delegating responsibility, it's about being there." "At the side of the road with a pile of garbage." "Quality time." "[DOOR OPENS]" "Keys." "I can't find my keys." "You lost Phil Rizzuto's head?" "Have you seen him?" "No." "Damn it." "Come on, retrace your steps." "What'd you do today?" "I got up," "I was supposed to go to work, I came here instead." "All right." "Well, they're not here." "You'll have to dig up your spare set." "I don't have a spare set." "All my keys say "do not duplicate."" "[CHUCKLES] So?" "So you can't duplicate them." "[JERRY AND KRAMER LAUGH]" "Sure you can." "Such a sweet kid." "[###]" "Oh." "Oh, hi." "China Panda?" "Why are you waiting on the street and not in your apartment?" "I k..." "Thought that I would meet you halfway." "Do you really live here?" "Oh, yeah." "There you go." "You keep the change." "Bye, now." "I'll..." "I'll see you." "[DOORKNOB RATTLING]" "Ugh." "[DOOR BANGING]" "[CLEARS THROAT]" "[SIGHS]" "You know, this isn't fair." "This is address discrimination." "[###]" "Well, I cleaned out their whole dental-hygiene shelf." "So the plan is to secretly sterilize her mouth?" "By the time I'm through with her mouth, she'll be able to eat off it." "Is it safe to drink bleach if you dilute it?" "No." "Stings the throat." "Anyway, so I was coming along here." "And I felt like a piece of cake, you know?" "So then I thought, " It's morning, I should really have a muffin."" "I like those chocolate-chip ones." "Then I figured, well, they're really both cake." "So I, uh..." "I sat on that bench for a little while, 20 minutes or an hour, and then I figured I'd check and see what you were up to." "Wait a minute." "Wait a minute." "The broad jump." "The broad jump over the pothole on 86th Street." "[###]" "Now I remember." "As I jumped over the hole," "I heard, uh, like a jingling sound." "You didn't look down?" "I was trying to stick the landing." "I know it was right around here." "No." "No!" "RIZZUTO:" "Holy..." "Holy cow." "Poor son of a bitch." "[###]" "JERRY:" "It's 100,000 revolutions a second." "It's the most powerful one they make." "I feel like I'm holding a blender." "The engine's made by McDonnell Douglas." "No, no, you keep going." "It shuts off automatically." "Really?" "It does?" "When the battery runs out." "I was really happy with my old toothbrush." "Oh, trust me, that one was doing more harm than good." "Don't forget to use the Plax too." "JENNA:" "That stuff tastes like bleach." "I don't know anything about that." "JENNA:" "Hah!" "Mmm." "My mouth feels so clean." "That's the idea." "[SOUNDS ECHOING]" "You know, maybe we better not." "I..." "I think I'm getting a little cold." "I don't wanna give you any of my germs." "Aww." "Okay." "Thanks, I guess." "[###]" "ELAINE:" "You still couldn't kiss her?" "She has a taint." "I can't see it, but I know it's there." "Oh, so now you're finding fault on a subatomic level." "Maybe if I could shrink myself down, like in Fantastic Voyage, and get inside a microscopic submarine, I could be sure." "Although if there was something there, it might be pretty scary." "Of course, I would have that laser." "Jer, do you see where this is going?" "Being really clean and happy?" "Jerry, you have tendencies." "They were always annoying, but they were just tendencies." "But now, if you can't kiss this girl, I'm afraid we're talking disorder." "Disorder?" "And from disorder, you're a quirk or two away from full-on dementia." "Hmm." "That could hurt me." "Hey, there it is." "Should we stop and say hi?" "No, we've seen it." "Yeah." "[HORN HONKS]" "Hey, Jerry!" "Yeah, I'll see you back at the house." "Mile 114, clean as a whistle." "[HORNS HONKING]" "[TYRES SCREECHING]" "[###]" "[KNOCK ON DOOR]" "Yeah?" "Hi." "I'm your neighbour, uh, from..." "From across the street." "Huh." "And, um..." "Ahem." "I was wondering if it wouldn't be too much trouble, if I could use your apartment to order some food." "What?" "What...?" "What do you want?" "You see, there's this certain flounder, and they won't deliver it to my side of the street." "When...?" "When is that?" "No, I just need them to deliver it here, and I have to be kind of inside, is all." "Who are you with?" "No, actually, I'm..." "I'm just kind of hungry." "[CHUCKLES]" "Who let you in?" "Well, the lock was broken." "You just have to jiggle it, actually, to get..." "But... I..." "I just need like half an hour to an hour." "[###]" "JERRY:" "What's with the signs?" "Yeah." "You should see the Berkhardt, Jerry." "My mile is spotless." "I mean, the big stuff was easy:" "Cinder blocks, air conditioners, shopping carts." "Pfft!" "I just rolled them into the woods." "Yeah, that stuff's all natural anyway." "Look at this." "Speed limit, 165 miles per hour." "See?" "They slipped a one in there." "[CHUCKLING] Those kids with the spray paint, God love them." "Hey, so?" "Keys?" "No keys." "And I've been calling the city all day." "Of course, there's not really a number to call if you wanna make a pothole." "I guess they leave that up to the general population." "I'll tell you this, if the real Phil Rizzuto was down there, this wouldn't be happening." "Hard to say." "You need some roadwork done?" "Because I met some maintenance guys today on the highway." "They could probably help you out." "Really?" "Oh, yeah." "Yeah." "I borrowed some cones from them when I was sweeping my car-pool lane." "[INTERCOM BUZZES]" "Yeah?" "JENNA [OVER INTERCOM]:" "It's Jenna." "Uh, if you guys wouldn't mind, I would like to ward off dementia." "You think you can hook me up with them?" "Oh, yeah." "Give me a ring tomorrow." "I'm gonna be at emergency call box 784." "Seven-eight-four." "Hey." "Hi." "How you feeling?" "Good." "My cold's gone." "And I've been looking forward to kissing you, which I'm ready to do now, if you are ready." "Okay." "What?" "Nothing, I just..." "I, uh..." "I bruised my lip." "I was drinking a Cel-Ray, and I brought it up too fast and I banged it into my lip." "And then I knocked your toothbrush into the toilet." "And I wasn't able to tell you before you could use it." "What?" "I'm sorry." "When were you gonna tell me this?" "Obviously never." "I need the "yield" sign." "Kramer, I'm kind of in the middle of something." "[SIGNS CLATTERING]" "Would you get these signs out of here, please?" "You could have introduced me." "I wouldn't know where to start." "Hey." "Jenna." "Hey." "There." "Now something of yours has been in the toilet." "What?" "Well, what did you put in there?" "Gotta run." "Oh, man." "[###]" "JERRY:" "Hello, Jenna?" "Did you dunk the spatula?" "Was it the spatula?" "Hello?" "Damn it." "Didn't even give you a hint?" "No, could be anything." "The whole apartment's a biohazard." "You know what I bet it is?" "Your remote." "Yes, that is a definite possibility." "Or it could be your Walkman there." "Are you just screwing with me?" "Yeah, I am." "Hey." "Hey." "How's life on the road?" "I'm making a difference, Jerry." "I don't doubt it." "You should see the smiles on the drivers' faces." "I mean, you gotta look quick, but they're there." "This." "What's this?" "You know those annoying little bumps on the lane lines?" "Bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump." "Isn't that some kind of safety thing?" "Well, I had to pull them up if I'm gonna widen the lanes." "What the hell are you talking about?" "Well, you know how in planes they got first class?" "More legroom, better ride?" "Well, I'm bringing that concept to mile 114." "How are you gonna widen the lanes?" "Well, you black out lane lines one and three, and a four-lane highway becomes a two-lane comfort cruise." "So you got any black paint?" "Yeah, in my tool shed, next to the riding mower." "Yeah, I'd like an order of supreme flounder, number 47." "Yeah, apartment 1 Q." "1 Q?" "Whose apartment is that?" "That's the janitor closet, across the street." "You're pretending to live in a janitor's closet just to get this flounder?" "It's better than eating it alone in the restaurant like some loser." "That stuff is unbelievable." "I'd eat it out of a dumpster." "How do you know about it?" "You're not in the delivery zone." "Well, Newman uses his mail truck to run fish for China Panda on the weekends." "Well, mine's coming in 10, so I'll see you boys." "Now, where's that tool shed of yours?" "[###]" "Hi." "Sorry, I didn't hear you." "I was in the shower." "I'll see you." "[###]" "You Costanza?" "Yeah." "Thanks for..." "Thanks for coming by, fellas." "Yeah, got a set of keys buried in the pothole." "[CHUCKLES]" "What are the keys doing in there?" "Just need to, uh..." "To dig them up." "You put them in there?" "No, no." "It's, uh..." "It's a long story." "Just, uh, try to get it up." "Bad place to put your keys." "Yeah, I know that." "Ahem." "Could you start working?" "Difficult job." "If you want those keys, we're gonna have to dig this up." "[CHUCKLES] Oh, wait..." "Wait a minute." "Wait a minute." "[SNORTS]" "Is this about money?" "Yeah." "[SNORTS]" "It's about money." "[###]" "[CAR HORNS HONKING]" "[###]" "Excuse me, what are you doing in there?" "Um, nothing, I was just, um..." "I wasn't in there." "You were hanging around in there, lazing on the job, when you should have been downstairs in the basement, cleaning out those old carpets and scrap wood." "Right, because" "I'm the janitor." "Don't get smart with me." "Yes, ma'am." "[###]" "[ALARM BUZZING]" "ANNOUNCER [OVER RADIO]:" "If you're heading north on the Arthur Berkhardt, whoa, Nellie." "For some reason, four lanes are converging into two instantaneously right at mile mark er 114." "I don't know what that is, but the A.B.E. 's a parking lot out there." "Somebody screwed up on that one." "[###]" "[KNOCK ON DOOR]" "Oh, it's you." "Is the flounder here yet?" "No, it's not here yet." "You want the tour?" "There's this." "Nice." "French doors would really open this place up." "Oh, but you have a slop bucket." "[KNOCK ON DOOR]" "The fish." "Oh." "What are you doing here?" "Hey." "Hey." "Oh, I was, uh..." "I was waiting downstairs for the jackhammer." "So I just thought I'd drop by." "Kramer's guys?" "Yeah." "I got them down to 50 bucks." "I just have to do all the jackhammering myself." "Oh, that's nice, kind of a hard-labour fantasy camp." "Ow!" "[YELPS]" "Oh, yeah." "[ALL SIGH]" "Oh, sweet set-up." "Look, Elaine, do you have any paint thinner?" "I need like, uh, 40 gallons." "I'm plumb out." "Oh, damn." "If I don't get that black paint off, the city's gonna go ape." "I don't wanna lose my baby." "[KNOCK ON DOOR]" "MRS. ALLISTER:" "Janitor." "Ugh." "It's Mrs. Allister." "Yeah, uh..." "Yes, coming, Mrs. Allister." "Okay, I've gotta get out." "Let's go." "Let's go." "Here." "Can you...?" "You gotta move from the door." "[CLATTERING]" "Hi." "I, um..." "What can I do for you?" "I told you yesterday to haul that trash out of the basement." "Yeah, I am so sorry." "Some of the children have been playing near it and putting it in their mouth." "Well, a lot of it is vegetables." "You mop it." "GEORGE:" "Hey." "Hey!" "Get that stuff out of there today, or you'll be out of here, understand?" "Yes, ma'am." "GEORGE:" "Stop pushing." "Kramer spilled ammonia." "I don't feel like eating." "I'm gonna borrow this, huh?" "Janitors' meeting." "[###]" "So, Jerry, why'd you call me?" "Well, I thought it's about time we put aside all this silliness." "I know now that you didn't put anything in my toilet bowl." "Did you?" "Yes, I did." "Well, whatever." "So how have you been?" "Good." "Good." "Steak knife?" "It's just eating away at you, isn't it?" "No." "Hi." "Hi." "Hi." "Hi." "Jerry, can I borrow your car?" "For what?" "I have to haul some dirty garbage to the dump." "Dirt?" "That's all right, because there's nothing wrong with dirt." "Well, actually, it's pretty grimy." "Grime, grease, filth, funk, ooze, whatever it is, you take that stuff and put it right on my leather upholstery." "Well, I don't know who you are, but thanks for the car." "Sure." "Bye." "Bye." "Bye." "Bye." "There, you see?" "I just lent her my car and she's gonna fill it with all sorts of..." "All right!" "You win." "That car was my last germfree sanctuary." "I slept there last night." "Now, for the love of God, please, what is it?" "What is it?" "Toilet brush." "Toilet brush." "Oh!" "All right." "I can replace that." "You wanna order dinner?" "Yeah." "Let's, uh, go to your place." "Because I threw out all my dishes." "[###]" "[J ACKHAMMER BUZZING]" "[YELPS]" "That's true." "But I'll tell you this much:" "Mm." "I am never going to let some silly hygienic mishap get in the way of what could be a meaningful, long-lasting relationship." "[J ACKHAMMER BUZZING]" "[CLANK]" "[RUMBLING]" "Do you hear something?" "I don't know what that could be." "[RATTLING]" "[CREAKING]" "[WOMAN YELPS]" "RIZZUTO:" "Holy cow." "Anyway, I'm a new man, and I'm looking towards the future." "Clean, dirty..." "[CREAKING]" "Whatever." "[WATER GUSHING]" "[JENNA SCREAMS]" "Holy cow." "Have a nice life." "Hey, look at this." "Wide lanes." "This is so luxurious." "ELAINE:" "Ooh." "Yeah." "[GRUNTING]" "Bugger." "[SINGING "THREE TIMES A LAD Y"]" "[METAL CRUNCHING]" "What the hell was that?" "Double bugger." "[SINGING "THREE TIMES A LAD Y"]" "[SCREAMING]" "[TYRES SQUEALING]" "[YELLING]" "Oh, the humanity!" "[###]" "[GRUNTS]" "Hey, buddy." "What are you doing out here?" "Man, did you see that fireball?" "Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo." "[SIREN WAILING]" "Hey, I gotta skedaddle." "You want a lift?" "Newman?" "Newman!" "All right, I'll meet you at the coffee shop." "[ENGINE STARTS]" "[TYRES SCREECHING]" "[###]" "[NEWMAN SCREAMING]" "[###]" "You know at the movies they show that little ad for the concession stand?" "Where the cartoon candy's dancing and the Milk Dud's playing the banjo?" "Oh, he's wailing on that banjo." "Yeah." "I just don't understand the Raisinets." "The sax player?" "Yeah." "Yeah." "The box of Raisinets runs up to the concession stand, buys another box of Raisinets." "So?" "Box of Raisinets eating another box of Raisinets?" "It's perverse." "He's not gonna eat them." "He's buying them for his Pepsi girlfriend." "And why is he dating a Pepsi?" "They're not having children." "They're musicians." "Musicians." "Get a real job." "[###]" "[###]" "What do you want?" "I've had everything on the menu." "Eh..." "Surprise me." "Neil, Neil." "Oh, I'm sorry." "I'm supposed to meet my boyfriend here." "He looks just like you." "Really?" "Yeah." "Like me?" "Yeah, sorry." "[CHUCKLES]" "Like me?" "But how?" "Here's your halibut omelette." "Surprised?" "Yes." "Yes, I am." "[###]" "[DOOR SHUTS]" "KRAMER:" "Look what I got for you for your Florida trip." "Crazy Shirts was closing them out." "I got a dozen for a buck." "I saved a fortune." "Look at that." "There you go." "Oh." ""Number-one dad." Yeah." "Ooh, and it's a medium." "Perfect." "Hey." "Hey." "You ready?" "Almost." "Okay, so look, pal, when you're in Florida, can my cigar guy drop off some Cubans for me at your parents' house?" "Kramer, I'm helping my parents move into their new condo." "I'm gonna be busy." "Oh, come on, man." "Help a brother out." "All right." "Yeah." "I owe you one." "We're even." "Hey, Jerry, figure this out." "I'm in the coffee shop... and this beautiful girl I could never even talk to... mistakes me for her boyfriend." "That's a nice four seconds." "I look just like him." "I, me, this." "This is what her boyfriend looks like." "How is that possible?" "Maybe he has money." "Maybe he doesn't." "Maybe he and I are exactly the same except for one minor yet crucial detail." "You never know." "Sometimes you do." "Maybe it's some..." "Some small thing I could change." "Like a moustache or wearing a top hat, or a monocle or a..." "Or a cane." "Who's she dating?" "Mr. Peanut?" "You could do a lot worse than Mr. Peanut, my friend." "[###]" "So, what do you want to see?" "How about Sack Lunch?" "How about The English Patient?" "It's up for all those Oscars." "Oh, come on, Blaine, I mean, look at the poster for Sack Lunch." "BLAINE:" "It's a family in a brown paper bag." "Don't you wanna know how they got in there?" "No." "Oh, sold out." "Oh, two for The English Patient." "So do you think they got shrunk down, or is it just a giant sack?" "[###]" "Hi, uh remember me?" "I'm the guy that looks like Neil." "Hi." "Hi." "[CLEARS THROAT]" "Is Neil here?" "Oh, no, he got held up at work." "Oh, that's too bad. I..." "I kind of wanted to meet him, seeing as how we look so similar." "Well, you know, you don't look that much like him." "Oh." "Of course not." "No, you're a little taller." "You look like you're in better shape than Neil." "Do you work out?" "Listen, I..." "I don't mean to seem forward, but is there any way that I could possibly have Neil's phone number?" "[###]" "What is everyone talking about:" ""The English Patient, it's so romantic"?" "God, that movie stunk." "I kind of liked it." "No, you didn't." "Elaine, Blaine, did you just see The English Patient?" "Didn't you love it?" "No." "How could you not love that movie?" "How about, it sucked." "That Ralph Fiennes." "I would give up my firstborn for him." "He's getting the short end of that stick." "[###]" "Jerry, this is Del Boca Vista's new physical fitness room." "They got medicine balls." "You can bike ride." "Anything you want." "StairMaster?" "What?" "Nothing." "See what I'm wearing?" "Oh, did you get that out of my bag?" "No, your mother found it." "Son, this is the most wonderful and thoughtful thing you've ever done for me." "You know, I bought you a Cadillac." "Twice." "Oh, here he is." "This is the man I wanted you to see." "Izzy Mandelbaum." "He's 80 years old but strong as an ox." "Watch this." "See that?" "You couldn't do that." "I could." "I choose not to." "Hey, Morty, who's this?" "This is my son, Jerry, from New York." "He thinks he can lift more than Izzy." "I didn't say that." "Hey, lzzy, this kid says he can lift more than you can." "Hey, your kid's pretty funny, Morty." "He should be a comedian." "Actually, I am a comedian." "That's not so funny." "You think you're better than me, huh?" "Izzy used to work out with Charles Atlas in the '50s." "1850s?" "Well, that's it." "It's go time." "Let's see you lift that." "Mr. Mandelbaum..." "Come on." "Come on." "Pump it." "All right." "IZZY:" "Wrong attitude." "You're not bringing that trash into my house." "There." "All right?" "Step aside, string bean." "I'll show you." "I'm gonna take it up a notch." "[BACK CRACKING]" "My back." "[GRUNTING]" "Somebody call an ambulance." "There's already an ambulance here for Mrs. Glickman." "There's room for one more." "[###]" "Hey, one for Sack Lunch." "It's good, right?" "Yeah, good." "Hey, what are you guys doing here?" "We just saw The English Patient again." "It's even better the second time." "They make it longer?" "Forgot my umbrella." "Blaine." "Elaine." "You said you were busy tonight." "Well, to tell you the truth, Elaine." "I don't know if I can be with someone who doesn't like The English Patient." "It's just a stupid movie." "That's what I'm talking about." "Come on, Blaine." "Let's go." "Enjoy Sack Lunch." "I will." "[###]" "HELEN:" "How could you do that to Mr. Mandelbaum?" "You should be ashamed of yourself." "He egged me on." "You should be more mature." "He's 80." "Okay." "Tomorrow Jerry and I will visit lzzy and apologize." "Now, good night." "You're not sleeping in that shirt." "It's too tight." "This shirt will never leave my body." "Good night." "All right, 7:30, got the place to myself." "[KNOCKING ON DOOR]" "Jerry Seinfeld, please." "Oh, you must be Kramer's guys." "Come on in." "You got the cigars?" "What cigars?" "Kramer said to bring him some Cubans." "We are the Cubans." "[###]" "[PHONE RINGS]" "Yeah, hello, Jerry's place." "They're real Cubans?" "They're human beings from Cuba?" "I said Cubans." "What did you think I meant?" "Cigars." "Jerry, Cuban cigars are illegal in this country." "That's why I got these guys." "You're making your own cigars now?" "Yeah, yeah." "I got investors all lined up." "Hold on a second." "Hi, Dad." "Who are they?" "They're Cuban cigar rollers." "Don't tell your mother." "What is that bubbling sound?" "Are you making your tomato sauce?" "Yeah, hot and spicy." "You're not wearing a shirt, are you?" "Yes, I am." "What colour is it?" "Damn it." "[###]" "You know, you..." "You could have just given me Neil's number." "You didn't have to take me out to dinner." "I wanted to give it to you in person." "You know, I don't have to be up in the morning and I know a great breakfast place right around the corner." "Does Neil like to eat a big breakfast?" "Why don't you come in?" "We'll talk about it." "I really should get going." "I wanna be home in case Neil calls." "Well, good night." "I'll see you." "[###]" "WAITRESS:" "Rough night?" "[GROANS] You wouldn't believe it." "My boyfriend dumped me." "My friends, who I don't even like, they won't talk to me, all because I don't like that stupid English Patient movie." "Really?" "I thought it was pretty good." "Oh, come on." "Good?" "What was good about it?" "Those sex scenes." "I mean, please." "Give me something I can use." "Well, I liked it." "You forgot about my piece of pie." "Hello?" "You know, sex in a tub." "That doesn't work." "[###]" "This is quite a condo." "The Mandelbaums own the Magic Pan restaurants." "The crepe place?" "Yeah, this is all big crepe money." "There's crepe money?" "What are you doing here?" "Oh, Mr. Mandelbaum, I just wanted to come by and tell you how sorry I was that you hurt yourself." "What the hell is that?" "What?" "That shirt." "You think that you are the number-one dad?" "This was a gift from my son." "Oh, I see how it works now." "He knocks me out of commission... so you can strut around in your fancy number-one shirt." "Well, I'll show you who's number one." "Mr. Mandelbaum, please." "It's go time." "[BACK CRACKING]" "[GROANS]" "My back..." "I can't move." "Call an ambulance." "I think I saw one a couple doors down." "[###]" "[###]" "JERRY:" "So she wanted you to come up, but you left because you thought some guy might be calling you?" "Some guy, some guy?" "Neil." "I have got to find out how he could get a girl like Danielle." "George, you've got Danielle." "Forget about Neil." "You've "out-Neiled" him." "So I'm Neil." "How did I do that?" "I don't know, but you better keep it up." "I'm gonna go meet Danielle." "There's a new Neil in town." "[LAUGHS]" "[PHONE RINGING]" "I try take a vacation." "I come back, the whole operation's in shambles." "Hello." "Hey, Jerry." "Number one here." "Did you go see Izzy at the back specialist?" "I will." "I just walked in the door." "You have to go see him." "Ma." "Helen, will you stop bothering him?" "Jerry, that shirt has gone right to his head." "Number one, signing off." "Jerry, I just picked up the Cubans at the bus station." "What's going on?" "What?" "They're not real Cubans." "They're Dominicans." "So?" "So, Jerry, if my investors don't get Cubans, the whole deal's off." "What's the difference?" "Jerry, once you've had real Cubans, there's just nothing else like it." "We're talking about people, right?" "Yes, yes, the quality, the texture, the intoxicating aroma." "These guys don't have it." "I thought they smelled pretty nice." "Jerry, your palate's unrefined." "Is not." "Is too." "Is not." "Is too." "I'm not having this conversation." "Are too." "Am not." "Are too." "Am not." "Are too." "[###]" "Another productive meeting." "By the way, I saw that English Patient film last night." "It was extraordinary." "Oh, yes, it was so romantic." "It ravished me." "Elaine, what did you think?" "Well, uh, actually I haven't seen it... so I couldn't tell you whether I liked it... or whether it really sucked." "You haven't seen it?" "No." "That's it." "Drop everything." "We're going right now." "[###]" "JERRY:" "Again, Mr. Mandelbaum, this back specialist is supposed to be the best." "So if there's anything else I can do, don't hesitate to try and find my number." "Oh, wait." "How about that, huh?" "The "World's Greatest Dad."" "My son made it for me." "That's very nice." "The best in the world, which means I'm better than just number one." "Well, I don't know how official any of these rankings really are." "[KNOCKING ON DOOR]" "Hi, son." "Hi, Daddy." "This is your son?" "I got married in high school." "Hey, who are you?" "This is Seinfeld's kid." "Oh, you think you're tough, picking on an old man?" "Maybe you'd like to try taking on somebody your own age." "You got any kids?" "Oh, you think you're better than me?" "Go ahead, pick out anything in the room here." "I'll lift it up over my head." "Look, no one is lifting anything." "The television." "This one's for you, Pop." "It's go time." "[BACK CRACKING]" "Oh, my back." "Call an ambulance." "We're already in a hospital." "[###]" "MAN:" "All right, partner." "Let's get down to business." "Okay." "Well, I'll..." "I'll get the Cubans." "They're right out here." "[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]" "Yeah, here they are." "They're Cubans, real Cubans." "You wouldn't be trying to sell old Earl Haffler..." "Dominicans in a Cuban wrapper, now, would you?" "Oh, come on, look at these boys." "If they were any more Cuban, Castro would have smoked them himself." "We're talking about people, right?" "I think so." "I thought he quit smoking cigars." "Well, yeah, yeah, but they also rolled for his brother, Dennis." "Dennis Castro?" "Dwayne." "Get the hell out of my office." "What?" "[###]" "You know, Neil called me today." "Really?" "Yeah, he's pretty upset I broke up with him to go out with you." "Well, I guess I showed Neil who's Neil." "He wanted to get together tomorrow night and have coffee." "Coffee?" "I can beat that." "Move in with me." "What?" "It beats the hell out of coffee." "[CHUCKLES]" "[###]" "[CRYING]" "And I thought I knew what love was." "[###]" "JERRY:" "You asked her to move in with you?" "I gotta stay one step ahead of Neil." "What if it's Neil Armstrong?" "Then I'm going to Mars." "What if it's Neil Diamond?" "Oh, shut up, Jerry, just shut up." "All right, I gotta go back to the hospital." "What?" "To see the old guy?" "No, I got into a thing with the son and now he's laid up too." "How old's the son?" "I think he's the same age as the father." "What is with this family?" "I don't know." "It's like, one of them dies, the other one wants to bench-press the casket." "Hey, Jerry." "[GIBBERING]" "You cold?" "It's them, right?" "Something wrong your chin?" "[GIBBERING]" "Where?" "No, no, no, don't look." "Don't look." "Over there, the Dominicans." "Aren't they supposed to be rolling cigars?" "Well, it didn't quite work out and now I've got nothing for them to do." "So?" "So I taught them all about Cuba and they really took to it." "You know, Marxism, the workers' revolution, the clothing." "[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]" "Boy, they seem pretty angry about something." "Yeah, I'm a little worried." "When there's no work and the people get restless, who do you think they come after?" "The presidente." "[DISHES CLATTERING]" "[###]" "I swear to you, I didn't know the TV was bolted to the table." "I bet you pulled that trick on my daddy in Florida." "He couldn't handle the weight." "Oh, so now you think you're better than me?" "You think you're better than him?" "Look, let me just state for the record, I think you're both better than me." "Okay." "My boys." "My dad." "My grandpa." "Oh, come on." "What happened to him?" "He was trying to lift the TV." "That TV?" "Oh, no." "It's go time." "[BACK CRACKING AND MAN GROANING]" "[###]" "Why didn't anybody tell me it was bolted down?" "I still thought you could do it." "Me too." "ALL [CHANTING]:" "Mandelbaum, Mandelbaum, Mandelbaum." "Fellas, fellas, fellas, look, I gotta go." "Oh, yeah, that's right, go." "Put us all in the hospital... and you ruined our business with all your macho head games." "I didn't ruin your business." "Yes, you did." "There's nobody there now at the Magic Pan to roll the crepes." "We gotta close it up." "Don't you hire people to do that?" "Each crepe has to be hand-rolled by a Mandelbaum." "That's what puts the magic in Magic Pan." "So you just need some guys that could roll them?" "Yeah." "I think I can help you out." "I'll see you later." "Hey, I can't see the TV." "Here." "You think you're better than us, don't you?" "[###]" "Elaine, I hope you're watching the clothes because I can't take my eyes off the passion." "No, I can't do this anymore." "I can't." "It's too long." "Quit telling your stupid story about the stupid desert and just die already." "Die!" "ALL:" "Shh!" "Elaine, you don't like the movie?" "I hate it!" "ALL:" "Shh!" "Oh, go to hell!" "Well, why didn't you say so in the first place?" "You're fired." "Great." "I'll wait for you outside." "[###]" "JERRY:" "He was gonna fire you?" "Well, the only way I could talk him out of it was that I agreed to go and visit the Tunisian desert." "Tunisia?" "That's where they filmed the movie." "It's supposed to inspire me." "Well, that doesn't sound so bad." "I have to live in a cave." "Oh." "These Dominicans really know their way around a crepe, huh?" "Look at that." "Looks like they're rolling a Double Corona." "Just a cigar made out of Bisquick, huh, Guillermo?" "I'm very happy with George." "I'm sorry, Neil." "It's over." "Come on, let's just eat our crepes." "[CREPES SPRAYING]" "My face!" "[GASPS]" "Oh!" "Neil!" "Why are the crepes spraying?" "The Dominicans are rolling them too tight." "Well, that's why you gotta get real Cubans." "[MAN SCREAMS]" "[###]" "Danielle." "Where's Neil?" "Is this him?" "Yeah." "That blueberry crepe burned him pretty badly." "Whose cane is this?" "It's Neil's." "Cane." "I knew it." "So we meet at last." "I admire your skills, Mr. Peanut." "Well, Danielle, we should get going." "I got a key made for you." "George, I can't move in with you." "What?" "I'm sorry, but I'm taking Neil to a clinic in England." "No, no, you can't leave me." "Marry me." "I'll burn myself." "I'll burn my parents." "Sorry, George." "George." "I win." "[###]" "[###]" "WOMAN [OVER P.A.]:" "Ladies and gentlemen, in just one moment, we'll be showing our feature presentation." "No, no, no, no." "The comedy hit, Sack Lunch, starring Dabney Coleman." "All right." "Oh, this is shaping up." "MAN:" "Excuse me, please." "Oh, sure." "Ladies and gentlemen... because we have been exploited by your Magic Pan crepe restaurants we are hijacking this plane to Cuba." "Everyone stay in your seats." "And shut that movie off." "Oh, nuts." "[###]" "MEN [CHANTING]:" "Mandelbaum, Mandelbaum."