"(whistles)" "(quacks)" "Come to Papa, Georgie boy!" "You're mine, all mine." "(grunts)" "(screaming)" "(groans)" "(panting)" "(screams)" "(brakes screeching)" "(groans)" "Finally." "A dollar!" "How cute." "(groaning)" "(tires squealing)" "(door opening)" "Bluebell Troop 47 tried to cash the check you wrote for those cookies?" "Just chasing that almighty dollar, Corny." "I tell you, it's getting to where the only way you can get ahead in this country is by having some incredible idea or seeing an opportunity where no one else sees one or working your tail off dawn to dusk day after day" "until people start paying you for your efforts." "Those aren't the principles this nation was built on!" "Actually, those are the principles this nation was built on." "Oh." "Well, it's time someone made it work better, then." "Took on the system, stood his ground no matter what the cost, and I'm just the duck to do it." "You got a letter from the IRS." "I'm out of here." "Forward my magazines to that PO box in Rio." "Duckman, you can't hide from the IRS." "They're everywhere, see?" "(phone ringing)" "Ah!" "That could be them now." "(with foreign accent):" "Hello?" "No." "Mr. Duckman, he no here." "I'm Mufafu, exchange student from Cameroon." "Maybe you should open the letter." "Might not be anything bad." "Yeah, you're right." "It could be an IRS party." "Ahh!" "I'm in trouble, Corny." "It says they want me to come in, talk to an Agent Dennehy." "Something about unpaid taxes." "Just out of curiosity, when was the last time you paid your taxes?" "* Disco boy *" "* You're a disco king *" "* On the disco thing... *" "Okay, so I took an extension." "(man screaming)" "(tires squealing)" "DUCKMAN:" "Look, maybe I made a mistake or two, but I'm still a citizen, and the IRS is still an agency of mygovernment." "I'm sure they'll deal with me in a fair, reasonable and compassionate manner." "I don't give a damn what your excuse is!" ""Aw, my wife needed an emergency operation," ""and we had to fly to Taiwan for the kidney." ""But on the way back, my plane crashed in the ocean," ""and I had to swim with my tax documents in the bag in my teeth for the whole 78 miles."" "But it's true." "So what if it's true?" "You smudged the receipts." "(man crying)" "In-laws." "Next." "(Duckman gulps)" "Hi." "Mufafu think you have beautiful country." "DUCKMAN:" "Yes, well," "Agent Menehy, Agent Benehy, Agent Dennehy," "I won't take up your morning." "You're such a busy man, nailing much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much bigger fish than me." "(screams)" "He's here-- it's Duckman." "What nerve." "Oh." "Worthless, amoral scum like you make me want to puke, to blow chunks, to heave my guts right here on the carpet." "You know, when I'm sick," "I find that a good old-fashioned tummy rub..." "Give me a reason." "I work and slave to protect John Q. Public from scam artists like you, and what does it get me?" "Do I get any satisfaction at all?" "Oh, sure, occasionally, I get a little peppy in my questioning and then it's "civil rights" this and "cruel and unusual" that." "(nervous gulp)" "Now, where was I?" "Oh, yes." "It seems you owe us some unpaid taxes, Duckman." "Well..." "(nervous laugh) at least it can't be a whole lot." "I mean, how much could I possibly owe?" "(Duckman screaming)" "$29,587.42!" "He gave you 24 hours to repay it." "Oh!" "Why didn't you say so?" "24 hours?" "Well, let's see." "I earn $30,000 a day." "DUCKMAN:" "So... hey, you're right." "My worries are over." "Let's go shopping." "You're aware that while it affords one the momentary illusion of satisfaction, the spewing of bile is never a permanent solution?" "I don't have that kind of money." "I have closer to, uh... none." "Wait a minute." "There is one place I can turn-- my family." "Once I explain my situation they'll jump at the chance to do what they can." "* Duckman's going to jail. *" "* Duckman's going to jail. *" "Bernice," "I'm in real trouble here." "You've got some extra money, right?" "* I've got 50,000 *" "* Dollars in the bank *" "* You're not getting any *" "* Other men will rape you. *" "Fine." "Be that way." "I'll work my charm on someone else, you lycra-clad, cauldron-stirring, cackling old warthog!" "You sure?" "(door slams)" "And then winter came and the snow was thick and cold." "And who do you think was hungry as could be?" "The grasshopper." "We can't hear you." "The grasshopper!" "That's right." "He froze to death on the ant's porch because he hadn't saved his money." "All right, enough." "I've had it." "If I wanted a lecture about money, I could have waited till Sunday and stolen from the collection plate again." "I never really did that." "I was just getting change for my dollar." "Look, boys, you still haven't answered my question." "Can you give me the money?" "Of course we can." "You can!" "Yee-ha!" "Yippee!" "But we won't." "Yippee!" "Yi... huh?" "If we gave you the money, we'd deprive you of the rare opportunity to learn firsthand the value of responsibility and frugality." "I can't believe what I'm hearing!" "To think in my time of need, I'm turned away by my only sons who I love with all my..." "Dad, we're not your only sons." "Catch you later." "(pounding on door)" "You never know." "Maybe Ajax is more resourceful than we realize." "He might have figured out a way to put a little money aside." "(pulling door) Ow!" "(pulling door) Ow!" "(pulling door) Ow!" "Step away from the door, son, then pull." "Thanks, Dad." "You know, I think I might be ready to tackle that whole right and left thing next." "(horn honks)" "(distant siren wailing)" "(belching)" "I've been looking everywhere for you." "You know you're not supposed to donate blood more than once every two months." "I'm a bunny rabbit." "Duckman, it's me." "Auntie Em?" "Of course I'm an excellent driver." "DUCKMAN:" "What am I going to do, Corny?" "It's due today, and I don't have the money." "And I've tried everything I can possibly try to get it." "Well, everything I want to try." "BERNICE:" "Duckman," "I believe you've met these normally deskbound but somehow still virile gentlemen from the IRS." "Yeah." "Yes... yes, I have." "Hal, isn't it?" "Hank." "Hank, of course." "My mother's name was Hank." "Listen, Hank, about that little money matter-- just a teensy little indulgence" "I'd say six more years, a small business loan, favorable interest rates and a handful of repeat customers, and we'll be well on our way..." "Hands to the sky, Duckbreath." "There's a cavity search with your name on it." "Seems like such a waste to go to jail just for tax evasion." "DUCKMAN:" "They're good, Corny." "We've only been fugitives for ten minutes." "How come you're running?" "You'd give up everything and go on the road just to be with me?" "The notion of civil disobedience, of striking a blow against Big Brother has renewed the rebellious youth in me, taking me back to a time in my life when I had morals that couldn't be swayed, ideals that couldn't be corrupted" "and a sense of self that couldn't be compromised." "And last year I tried to write off my HBO bill." "(whirring and clattering)" "(groaning)" "Hey!" "There's the delinquent duck!" "Whoa!" "Watch it, jerk!" "Who you calling jerk-- you long-haired, fat-bellied, goofy-tattooed" "'60's throwback Village People wannabe biker freak?" "(glass breaks)" "(gun cocks)" "(nervous chuckle)" "Did... d-did I mention that I-I'm a biker?" "Yeah, got the old Schwinn parked right out front." "Yeah." "("Tequila" plays)" "Duckman, maybe you should try distracting them by doing what Pee-wee Jerman did in that movie." "First of all, I don't think it's appropriate." "Second, I'm not really in the mood." "Not that movie, the movie he starred in." "Oh!" "I knew that." "(glass breaks) Uh..." "Tequila." "(spitting)" "Wa-Wa-Wa-Wait a minute, fellas." "Shouldn't you be out revving your engines really loud while people are trying to sleep or weaving in and out of traffic with complete disregard for the safety of others or beating up hippies at a free rock concert?" "I mean, I've got enough problems running from the IRS 'cause I don't pay my taxes without you guys tying me up and making me squeal like a pig." "No offense, Corny." "Wait a minute What did you say?" "Squeal like a pig." "It's a crude reference to the scene in Deliverance where they..." "ALL:" "He's a tax evader." "What are you going to do to me?" "There's only one way you're getting out of here-- with our help." "* *" "Ah... eh... ooh!" "(crickets chirping)" "(chirping louder)" "(chirping stops)" "Sorry." "Just trying to add some atmosphere." "You know, Corny, I kind of like lying out here-- open air, a bed of pine needles, communing with nature." "There's a tiny spider on your neck." "Where?" "!" "Get it off!" "Get it off!" "Wild guess-- you never made it to Eagle Scout." "Nah." "Never had time for that sissy stuff." "All I ever wanted to be as a kid was a millionaire." "Did I ever tell you my dad's last words to me?" "Mm-hmm-- "Careful, son, I don't think the safety's on."" "Before that!" "He said, "Duckboy, you live in a country" ""that doesn't value kindness, hard work or intelligence," ""but rewards people for lying, cheating and backstabbing." "Take advantage of that."" "(sniffling)" "God, I miss the old guy." "Makes me think about my own kids." "I wish I could see them." "They must be miserable without me." "Sounds like, um, puppet." "Satan?" "AJAX:" "Lassie?" "ALL:" "The Muppets Take Manhattan!" "(raucous laughter)" "We never had fun like this with, uh, uh, uh, what's his name?" "Dad." "When Dad's around." "So, Hank, how long you rugged protectors of the people gonna be creating a manly presence in our modest, yet-comfortable- even-for-your-size home?" "Until Duckman calls and we can trace it." "Could be several days and, of course, several nights." "(seductively):" "Mm-hmm." "Mmm." "(engine sputtering)" "(yelling)" "(engine dying)" "(metal clanging)" "That cheap American-made piece of buffalo droppings!" "What's wrong with this thing?" "You bought those fuzzy dice instead of gas." "(engine roaring)" "(tires squealing)" "Well, I'll be." "Are you Cornfed Pig?" "Johnny MacDougle?" "U.S. hurdling team, '84 Olympics?" "It's me, Corny-- only I've changed my name to "Harmony."" "I live on a commune a few miles down the road." "Hop in." "I'll give you guys a lift." "All aboard the Flako Express." "* Wa, wa, wa, wa. *" "* La, la, la, la, la, la, la *" "* La, la, la, la, la, la... *" "I'll take "rock stars who choked on their own vomit" for 40, Bob." "The commune operates on a clothing optional basis." "We feel that clothes are merely chains by which we're fettered to the system." "Hey, no skin off my bill." "I was born naked, but my partner here is kind of modest." "Am not." "Nakedness liberates the spirit and breaks down the barriers." "You see, here on the commune, we all love each other." "What time does that start?" "Whaa!" "Whoa!" "(groaning)" "DUCKMAN:" "I can't believe they shared their girlfriends with us, Corny." "I just spent the night with the sexiest, most insatiable, voluptuous, adventurous, least inhibited woman I've ever met." "If she didn't suddenly get a headache, whoo-hoo!" "there's no telling what wild and tawdry escapades we might have experienced." "How was your night?" "Like yours minus the headache." "(phone ringing)" "Hello?" "Oh!" "Thank God you called." "We've been so worried." "(whispering):" "It's him." "How are you?" "BERNICE:" "Uh-huh?" "Uh-huh." "My God!" "How do you get your pants on?" "I mean stretch out the phone call." "Oh, of course." "Ahem." "So, uh, Duckman, (laughs) read any good books lately?" "BERNICE (on phone):" "Uh, well, what's that one about?" "Ugh!" "With her own sisters?" "Oh, my God!" "Of course the boys miss you like crazy." "Hang on." "I'll put them on." "Boys, it's your father!" "(boys imitating gunfire)" "Bang!" "Gotcha!" "DUCKMAN:" "No, no, no, don't wake them." "Just tell them... well, tell them that I love them, and I'll be home as soon as I can." "Take care, Bernice." "Got him." "Water!" "Water!" "Water, water." "I guess I shouldn't have left the bikes unattended with the keys still in them when we stopped for food by that chain gang." "Hindsight's always 20/20." "(native drumming)" "(power dies)" "Damn eight-track!" "Thirsty?" "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!" "Oh, yeah!" "Yeah, yeah, yeah!" "Me, too." "Wishum I had water." "Only kidding." "You like Indian sense of humor?" "(horse neighing)" "I ride many suns, many moons." "Horse die." "Had to stop." "Bought new horse." "Bought additional insurance package, although big rip-off." "Will know better next time." "But wait, only so much water." "You not drink all." "(slurping)" "Ah!" "Thanks loads." "Anything else?" "Food!" "Food, food, food!" "What you got to eat?" "Hmm..." "Here." "Ancient medicine." "Guaranteed to take appetite away." "What a pair of maroons." "Wow, Corny, he wasn't kidding about this stuff." "I'm dizzy." "Things are looking different." "How long has your skin been transparent?" "Sounds like it's having a hallucinogenic effect-- not like a drug, which is harmful and wrong and just say no, kids-- but spacey nonetheless." "(mellow psychedelic rock playing)" "Cornfed, I had a vision." "Every evil has been the result of insane, selfish greed." "Well, duh!" "It's not about money and power and material possessions." "For the first time in my life, I feel truly free and in touch with the universe." "Everything is one:" "the sky, the soil, this rock and me." "Cornfed, from now on," "I'll live my life in peace and harmony with all the little critters of the world." "(cackles)" "(chopper blades whirring)" "This is the IRS!" "Throw out your wallets and surrender." "What?" "Oh." "Don't move." "Henderson lost a contact." "Oh, look at them." "Aren't they beautiful?" "I'm going to talk to them, Cornfed." "The power of truth is stronger than any government." "I'm sure they'll see the error of their ways." "(screaming)" "(screaming)" "Hold this and don't move." "AGENT DENNEHY:" "Where did they go?" "There's nothing down there but a couple of trees." "Cupcake, Pound Cake, Bundt Cake, this is Betty Crocker." "The Soufflé has fallen." "Return to kitchen." "This isn't over, Duckman." "That was close." "We need to lay low." "I saw some telephone poles." "We'll just follow the lines till we come to the next town." "With any luck, it'll be some little fly speck on the map that the IRS never even heard of." "DUCKMAN:" "Oh, look at this pagan shrine to excess and greed." "It's sad to see people waste away their lives in a place like this." "Hey, isn't that the guy who owes over 29,000 in back taxes?" "Yeah. who'd be stupid enough to come to an IRS convention if he owed that much money?" "(both laugh)" "Hey!" "You could have picked a nail polish that went with your top." "Just try not to call any more attention to yourself." "I'll go win us our freedom." "Money won't make you free!" "(door closes)" "Fight the system!" "Liberate yourself." "Whoo-hoo!" "Play it." "Papa needs a new set of pumps." "Seven!" "A winner!" "Back it up." "Press the six, 40 on the hard eight, 50 on boxcars and 20 your way if you tell me where you got the lace camisole." "Mmm, a gum ball." "How fortuitous." "Charles, Mambo, Ajax!" "What are you doing here?" "I missed you guys." "Hi, Dad." "Nice dress." "Dad's here?" "You came all the way here to find me." "I never thought you'd be so concerned." "We're not, you cross-dressing sewer rat." "Agent Dennehy invited us to the convention." "And by the way, you look awful in fuchsia." "Well, well, Duckman." "This is a bigger jackpot than I could've hoped for." "Do with me what you will, for it matters not where I end up." "I need only myself and my beliefs to be free." "Whoa!" "Who'd have thought he's a man of principle?" "Or a woman." "Save it, duck feathers." "You're off to the big pond." "Not so fast, Dennehy." "CORNFED:" "I've got the money Duckman owes." "Here it is." "29,000 and change." "And here's the tax on my HBO write-off." "What are you talking about?" "Uh, nothing." "I think I'll get back to the table while the dice are hot." "Come on!" "Let's go watch." "Well, aren't you coming home, Dad?" "Guess you're free to go, Duckman." "But it's only a matter of time before you abuse the accelerated depreciation tax." "Your kind always does." "Ooh, wait for me, Hank!" "We can't let a paid-for hotel room go to waste." "Wait a minute." "Come back!" "I'd rather go to jail than buy my way out." "Don't you people understand?" "I'm not beholden to money anymore." "Greed and material possessions mean nothing to me." "I'll never again compromise my ideals in the name of the almighty dollar." "Pardon me, miss." "I find you irresistible." "I'll give you a million dollars to sleep with me."