"¶ Someone once told me the grass is much greener ¶" "¶ On the other side. ¶" "¶ Well, I paid a visit ¶" "¶ While it's possible I missed it ¶" "¶ It seemed different yet exactly the same ¶" "¶ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ¶" "¶ Till further notice ¶" "¶ Till further notice ¶" "¶ I'm in between ¶" "¶ I'm in between ¶" "¶ From where I'm standing ¶" "¶ From where I'm standing ¶" "¶ My grass is green. ¶" "¶ Someone once told me the grass is much greener ¶" "¶ On the other side. ¶" "Captioningsponsoredby THE U.S.DEPARTMENTOF EDUCATION andNICKELODEON" "Wow!" "Your mom is one hot commodity." "Not exactly what I had in mind when I placed the personal ad for Mom." "I was always into stuffed animals until right now." ""Gavin Forker:" "Taxidermist Extraordinaire." "Let's make it last forever, like my squirrels."" "Well, we have to pick someone or else... ( music on television )" "It's a vicious cycle." "You know, you're miserable because you're alone but you're alone becauseyou're miserable." "I'm Dr. Fondfeelings." "Hello." "That will never be Mom, okay?" "She doesn't even wear curlers." "LOIS:" "Ginge?" "Dinner in 20." "You kids staying?" "( sighs )" "Let's keep looking." "Joel sounds good." "He's a Taurus." "He flosses regularly and he'll be eligible for parole in three months." "( sighing miserably )" "HOODSEY:" "I have an idea." "I think it has a lot of possibility." "Shoot." "Start-up cost is low, profit potential-- gi-normous." "I'm listening, Carl." "Fabric softener that doubles as after-shave." "Dryer sheets that double as hankies." "I have to admit:" "I like it, Carl." "I like it a lot." "Thank you." "I'm a genius." "Now all we need is a couple of trial days to make sure no allergies crop up from use." "You mean from misuse." "And since, as you know, I'm against testing on animals, let's say we ask your sister." "Come on, Hoodsey." "It's your turn to set the table." "Ladies, ladies, we were just talking about you." "Any chance you'd be interested in joining a little focus group?" "There's a frosty root beer in it for each of you." "Sweet." "Forget it, Carl." "And Hoodsey, don't make me ask you again." "( snaps fingers )" "You're not eating with us?" "Nope." "Because you're too miserable." "Oh, Mom, you're miserable because you're alone but you're alone because you're miserable." "Look, cookie foot, I'm neither, honest." "In fact, the reason I'm not eating with you kids is because, well, I've got a date tonight." "A date?" "!" "Are you serious?" "!" "It's not that incredible, is it?" "Yes!" "No!" "It's just I'm so happy for you." "She's out on an actual date right now." "Can you believe it?" "I bet she met him at the hospital." "I bet he's, like, a neurosurgeon or something." "DODIE ( on phone ):" "Or maybe he's something exotic like a dance instructor." "Well, we'll find out soon enough." "She's bringing him home for dessert." "Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, good!" "And what line of work did you say you were in?" "I didn't." "I'm your general tile-snake-gutter-grout- plumbing-handyman- electrician-construction type of sort." "Mm-hmm!" "Jack of all trades." "Yet they call me "Buzz."" "Buzz was the first to diagnose our mold condition." "He also jumped my car and promised to take a look at that screwy porch bulb of ours." "Something just gone wrong in the wiring, I'd guess." "That's what they say about Mom." "( Buzz laughing )" "So Buzz, how do you feel about wayward boys?" "Was one." "Know some." "Have three of my own." "What?" "!" "Didn't I tell you kids?" "Buzz has three sons." "We got to organize a playdate." "The sooner the better." "What are their names, please, and do they have any known allergies?" "Don't think so." "Let's see, there's the twins-- Junior, Junior Sr., and then there's little Rhesus." "Rhesus like the monkey." "We just call him that because... ( gurgling )" "Don't like the sound of that baby one bit." "Probably just needs a man's touch." "The boys and I will stop by tomorrow and give her a gander." "( giggling ):" "Thanks, Buzz." "It will be like having three guinea pigs," "I mean, brothers, around." "Isn't it great?" "Yep, that's just the word I was looking for." ""Great."" "The man's touch." "( kids laughing )" "You can't get me!" "( breathing heavily )" "Carl, you guys, look where you're..." "Boys will be boys." "Can't change that." "Carl, take it outside now!" "( boys laughing )" "What are you doing here?" "Came by to fix the disposal, as promised, and to set up this little baby." "It's a surprise for your mom." "Oh, she'll be surprised, all right." "Let's say we give her a test run." "( clicking )" "It, uh, doesn't work." "Uh-uh-uh." "( snaps fingers )" "I took the liberty of taking a liberty." "See, this way no one has to get up to turn her on and, look... ( snapping fingers )" "Whoa!" "Whoa, there!" "Whoa!" "Buzz, what are you..." "what the..." "No need to thank me." "Sure is nice to have a man around the house, am I wrong?" "( sighs angrily )" "Excuse us for a moment, would you, Ginge?" "GINGER:" "So long, Buzz." "It was fun while it lasted." "( yawns )" "Today's topic: you've been out of the dating loop for so long, you wouldn't know romantic if it jumped up and bit you on the shut-your-mouth." "I am Dr. Fondfeelings." "Hello." "Hello." "Hello." "Now, you won't want to miss today's show." "We are talking with women who are so used to being alone, they always will be." "Meet Lois." "( gasps )" "You know, Lois forgot how to be flexible." "She couldn't recognize her partner's efforts and for that reason, all her relationships failed." "At least I got my kids." "But when they grow up and leave, what will you have then?" "Yeah." "I'll have my mattress and I'll have this bachelorette's bean burrito." "( slurping )" "Lucky, lucky you." "In short, viewers, because Lois is so set in her pathetic single-woman ways, she is destined to live and die alone in an unflattering housedress with a tasteless, floral print." "Hey, the saleslady said tiny rosebuds were timeless." "( gasps ):" "Mom!" "A bachelorette's bean burrito?" "Oh, no." "Mom, where's Buzz?" "Oh, uh, I told him I needed a little breathing room." "Mom, no, don't you see?" "!" "He was just trying to help." "Help?" "!" "That living room is a disaster area, and who asked him to?" "But the disposal is purring like a kitten, see?" "( snaps fingers )" "Yeah." "And what about the ceiling fan?" "Don't you find it romantic?" "Not really." "Well, it is." "He's doing all these things because he cares about you, Mom." "Is it possible that maybe you wouldn't know romantic if it jumped up and bit you in the shut-your-mouth?" "What?" "!" "Since when did you become so pro-Buzz, anyway?" "If looks could kill, he would've croaked on the spot this afternoon, courtesy of you!" "Well, that was then and this is now!" "Relax, Ginge." "Take it easy." "I'll call Buzz and apologize for coming down on him so hard, okay?" "You're just not used to having a man in your life, Lois." "You may have to learn to be a little more flexible." "Oh, and, uh, tiny rosebuds are not timeless, you know?" "I got to get that TV out of her room." "HOODSEY:" "See, Junior Sr., a little splash behind the ears and your skin has that just-out-of- the-dryer feeling." "( sniffing )" "You smell like a wild flower bouquet." "And the dryer sheets make top-notch hankies." "So what you want us to do?" "Use my products two to three times a day and report back any abnormalities." "Sir, my baby toe was born without no fingernail on it." "I'm sorry-- any abnormalities that result from the use of the products." "I should have been more clear." "What's in it for us?" "Junior Sr. likes gum." "I do not!" "You do!" "You do!" "You do!" "You do!" "You do!" "You do!" "Okay, okay, I think we can arrange to pay you boys off with a little chewola." "Sir, I reckon I prefer corned beef hash, but only if she comes from a can." "GINGER:" "I have to admit it felt a little funny begging Mom to warm up to Buzz when I can barely tolerate him myself." "Not only do I find his personality and loud talking really grating, but I'm also sick and tired of stumbling on all his little improvements." "( screaming )" "BUZZ:" "Increased that water pressure for you, sweet pea." "No need to thank me for the man's touch, but don't stay in there too long." "You'll bruise." "Do it for Mom." "LOIS:" "...Ginger loses her mind." "It's just that Buzz and his kids have become permanent fixtures around the house." "E-6, come to papa." "I keep asking myself, "Why is Ginger so invested?"" "I guess she really wants a father figure around." "I just feel too guilty to send Buzz packing." "Geez, what a mess." "If I didn't have you to talk to, Betty," "I don't know what I'd do." "Did you say something, Lo?" "( music playing throughheadphones)" "GINGER:" "I keep telling myself that Dr. Fondfeelings must be right." "Mom and me just probably aren't used to the man's touch and if we don't learn to be tolerant now, she's going to wind up alone." "I don't know, Ginger." "Repressing your feelings can't be a good thing." "You're too young to harbor hatred." "I don't hate Buzz." "I just find him really, really, super annoying." "( alarm blaring )" "What?" "Call you guys back." "( boys shout defense cries )" "We have got you surrounded, intruder!" "I'm not an intruder." "I'm Ginger, remember?" "I live here!" "This is my bedroom." "Yep, I can confirm that." "Nice hustle, boys." "Our work here is done." "Aren't you even going to apologize?" "Apologize?" "For outfittin' your bedroom window with the most sophisticated motion-sensor burglar alarm that money can buy?" "Now, that's a good one." "DARREN:" "Let me guess." "You're lovin' Mom's new boyfriend." "Oh, Darren, I'm trying to be flexible." "I'm trying to be open-minded." "I'm trying to follow Dr. Fondfeelings' advice so Mom doesn't end up old and lonely on a mattress with no bedding." "You've been watching channel nine again." "I can't help it." "I don't want to scare Buzz away." "He's the first guy to come around since..." "Dad." "Yeah, but how would your mom feel if she knew she was dating someone you can't stand?" "This isn't about me, Darren." "It's about the future of Mom's happiness." "( telephone busy signal buzzes )" "What are you doing?" "Quit it!" "This a whole lot better than our double-wide." "Hi... everyone." "Lola, we are going out!" "Oh, I don't think so, Buzz-- I'm whipped." "I've already been to the market..." "I won't take no for an answer." "Go on, Ma." "Please?" "Well, what about you kids?" "CARL:" "We'll order something." "How about meatball subs?" "Gross." "No way." "Let's vote on it." "All in favor of meatball subs, say "aye."" "BOYS:" "Aye." "CARL:" "All opposed?" "Nay." "Fair's fair." "Meatball subs it is." "My favorite." "Fair?" "It's most certainly not fair." "The kid doesn't even like meatball subs and the boys have her outnumbered." "BUZZ:" "Boys will be boys." "Can't change that." "Oh, Mom... do you really want to ruin a romantic evening out over a stupid little thing like meatballs?" "I don't." "They're fine with me, really." "( boys hoot )" "Oh, boy." "So what are you in the mood for, Buzz?" "LOIS:" "Let me guess." "BUZZ:" "Meatball subs it is!" "( crickets chirping )" "Thank goodness you're here." "They had a meatball fight in the kitchen, a couch-cushion fight in the living room." "And if I try to tell them anything, they vote on it and overrule me!" "( boys whooping and shouting, vacuumcleanerwhirring)" "CARL:" "Hey, watch it!" "Gotcha!" "( boys shouting and laughing )" "( quietly ):" "Let's settle down a while." "Let's please, please be quiet." "( loudly ):" "All in favor of settling' down, say "aye."" "GIRLS:" "Aye." "All opposed say "nay."" "BOYS:" "Nay." "( vacuum cleaner whirs )" "Run!" "GINGER:" "I'm moving in with Darren." "( motors whir and buzz )" "( childish piano music playingonTV )" "Ah!" "Ooh!" "( grumbles )" "( clucks ):" "So long, sucker!" "That can't happen in life." "That ain't real." "LOIS:" "I can't believe it." "This has been going on for hours!" "Move, Mom!" "Giddyup!" "Move!" "Move!" "She made the picture go away, Daddy!" "This is enough!" "LOIS:" "When you showed up at 6:00 a.m." "in your underwear for Saturday morning cartoons, I said fine." "Well, first I said, "ew," but then I said fine." "Boys will boys." "Can't change that." "Now half the day's over." "It's beautiful outside and all you boys are doin' is grinding crumbs into my carpets." "Well, I guess Mrs. Mom is right." "What do you boys want to do today?" "BOYS:" "Paintball!" "Paintball!" "BUZZ:" "All in favor?" "BOYS:" "Aye." "BUZZ:" "Opposed?" "Ginger!" "Don't worry about me, Ma." "I'm going to hang out with Darren." "BUZZ:" "Hey!" "Paintball it is!" "( boys hooting )" "Well... never mind me." "I'll tell you what." "Why don't you go take a soak in the new lady's spa I rigged your tub with, and let the boys be boys!" "( Buzz hoots )" "BOY ( in distance ):" "Paintball!" "Paintball!" "LOIS:" "Where are all my vacuums?" "Y-you sure you don't want, uh..." "Shh." "( sighs )" "Ah!" "Boys will be boys." "You can't change that." "They should be gone at least a couple of hours, unless someone wants to leave early and they vote on it." "I got to talk to Ginger!" "When I can't enjoy a lavender-infused soak in my new lady's spa you know something's wrong, baby!" "( phone ringing )" "DARREN:" "Hello?" "( whispering ):" "Oh, hi, Mrs. Foutley." "Yeah, she's here, but I'm not sure that she can be disturbed." "Huh?" "That's my mother?" "What's she doing?" "Why isn't she with Buzz?" "Oh, no!" "LOIS ( on phone ):" "Ginge, we need to talk." "GINGER:" "ConvincingMomto giveBuzz anotherchancewasn'teasy butconvincingMom thatweshouldspendtheday playingpaintball withtheboys-- thatwasnexttoimpossible." "You sure about this, Ginge?" "We're going to love it," "Wait and see." "BUZZ:" "Winner pick dinner, remember?" "Daddy, that rhymes." "( quavering ):" "Winner picks dinner." "Fair's fair." "Man's touch." "Boys will be boys!" "Can't change that." "Actually, Buzz, you can." "Will you kids excuse us?" "Uh, Mom, are you sure you know what you're doing?" "Ginger, I know exactly what I'm doin'." "The only thing I don't know is why I didn't do this sooner." "You boys, take your meatballs up to Carl's room." "Now, the way we see it is..." "How we see it, again?" "We're to be doin' all the work..." "Right." "So we wants part of the profits." "Look, is this about more gum?" "If you boys need more gum, I can get you more gum." "It's not a problem." "If you gives us money, we can biggitty buy our own gum!" "I know where he keep his billfold." "( light switch clicks )" "You're out of here, baby!" "What?" "Look, Buzz..." "I was able to stomach your man's touch when it came to my lighting fixtures, faulty plumbing and major household appliances, but not when it came to the rest of my life." "So, uh, I guess this is good-bye." "But..." "Good-bye means good-bye." "You can't change that." "Well, heck, if anyone should be dishing' out the walkin' papers it should be me-- dishin' 'em to you!" "That boy of yours is a bad influence on Rhesus and the Juniors." "Ha!" "That's a laugh!" "Carl looks like Mother Teresa next to your two!" "He's been testin' cleaning products on 'em like they was lab animals!" "Now the Juniors caught hives and the little one can't see." "( Rhesus laughing )" "He's wearing a blindfold!" "Huh!" "And to think I was going to insulate your attic." "Tell your brothers to get in the truck!" "Yes, sir." "( boys laughing loudly )" "So long, Buzz, and thanks." "( grunts )" "That's more like it." "( sighs )" "I hope you kids aren't too disappointed." "I know Buzz was important to you but he just wasn't the right guy for me." "Buzz wasn't the right guy for any of us, Mom." "I'm sorry I tried so hard to push him on you." "I worried that if you didn't have a boyfriend, you'd be alone and that if you were alone, you'd be miserable." "Miserable?" "Where'd you get that crazy idea?" "Daytime talk show." "( laughs )" "Oh, Ginge..." "being in a relationship just for the sake of being in a relationship is plain crazy." "You got to let your heart lead the way." "And in the end, my heart wasn't with Buzz." "And I'm okay with being single, until the day I find someone really special." "What do you say, Carl?" "Think you can handle being the only man around the house again?" "Affirmative." "( puckers )" "( puckers )" "( chuckles )" "( sighs )" "( knock on door )" "( groaning ):" "Oh." "Let me guess-- you're back for the ceiling fixture." "Look, Buzz, I..." "Dave..." "Doctor..." "Dr. Dave, what are you doin' here?" "Well, uh, hi, Lois..." "I mean, hello, Lois." "Look, see, I found your arch support and I didn't want you to go without it." "From a medical standpoint, that is." "I didn't catch you at a bad time, did I?" "Not at all." "Hey, uh, you want to come in for a sandwich or something?" "A sandwich sounds..." "No, I couldn't." "I really, I..." "Okay, sure." "Oh, I should probably mention we don't do meatballs or paintballs or any other kind of balls." "I'm not a fan of loud talking, my water pressure is weak, my porch bulb blinks, and I like it that way... just so you know." "Uh, sure thing, Lois." "Well, I still haven't filed my taxes for last year and, uh, I call my mother once a week." "LOIS:" "I don't like to encourage roughhousing." "DAVE:" "I like occasional roughhousing, but I am allergic to fennel." "LOIS:" "Good enough." "Captioningsponsoredby THE U.S.DEPARTMENTOF EDUCATION andNICKELODEON" "Captioned by MediaAccessGroupatWGBH  access.wgbh.org" "RHESUS:" "This is a whole lot better than our double-wide."