"To Sherlock Holmes, she was always the Woman." "I have seldom heard him mention her under any other name." "In his eyes she eclipsed and predominated the whole of her sex." "It was not that he had felt any emotion akin to love for Irene Adler." "All emotions, and that one particularly, were abhorrent to his cold, precise, but admirably balanced mind." "He was, I take it, the most perfect reasoning and observing machine that the world has seen, but as a lover he would have placed himself in a false position." "And yet there was but one woman to him, and that woman was the late Irene Adler," "a woman of dubious and questionable reputation." "Sherlock Holmes" "And now look here." "Smile." "Get ready for the flash." "What if I blink?" "Then we will take another one." "Will it be scary?" "Mary, please, just look at the camera and smile." "And now the flash!" "One, two, three!" "Chapter Three:" "Pagliacci" "Doctor, isn't it true that man is a terrible creature?" "He wants to adapt this world to suit himself." "What would you say?" "Tell me, Holmes, weren't you taught to knock before coming in?" "Why, have you got something indecent to hide?" "It is rude not to knock." "It's also rude not to answer a question." " Your question is silly and pointless." " Really?" "But it's the basis of my whole method." "A man is a slave of his habits and desires; show me an object and I can create a portrait of the person who owns it." "You, for example, have changed this small world." "You've turned this chamber into an operating room, you even write like you're dissecting a frog." "By the way, what are you writing?" "Well, looks like you'll be needing the operating room soon." "You asked for it." "I'm ready!" "You are predictable." "I've already foreseen it." "A straight right into the body." "I've foreseen this as well." "What would you do if I didn't have a serving tray?" "That would be a left uppercut." "Mr. Holmes, why did you dent this serving tray?" "Doctor, you again?" "He's a Capricorn, don't you understand?" "He is an inspired, ambitious, and vulnerable creature." "Water!" "Water." "Yes, and you are a Gemini, a dreamer, head in the clouds." "I'm Asclepian." "I'm a Virgo, neat and calculating." "You would be lost without me." "You're speaking nonsense, Mrs. Hudson." "It's not nonsense." "The positions of planets in all horoscopes" "Mrs. Hudson, do you really think that rocks flying in space millions of kilometers away from each other can affect a man?" " Let alone his fate?" " Yes!" "Look, right now the Earth is the constellation of Aquarius under the influence of Mars." "That leads to cold weather." "Do you remember how cold it was in July?" "I live with benighted obscurants." "It's cold because wind is blowing down from the Arctic." "Stop it!" "Just leave!" "Holmes, what's the matter with you?" "Are you mad?" "Leave me alone!" "You know what, Holmes?" "You need some cold water." "And... oh, you should smoke a pipe!" "Try mine." "I'm calm, doctor, I don't need any pipes." "Here we are." "Here." "What is it?" "I will try to explain it simply." "Why would Irene steal the photograph from me when it's in all the newspapers?" "What an elementary question, why didn't it occur to me before?" "Well, now it has." "You don't get it." "What if the whole Sholto case was just a diversion and I've missed the real problem?" "And if I've missed it, I've lost." "Because of the photograph?" "Good day, Inspector." " Is Mr. Holmes here?" " Inspector!" "He's not well." "Oh, I know he's not well." "Inspector, I'm here!" "Told you." "Well, if we weren't in the middle of London I would say this bloke had just been brought in from the front line after having had his head blown off by a shell." "Maybe with trinitrotoluene." "What?" "Nitrocompound of an aromatic series." "Quite a strong explosive." " Explosive?" " Yes, it was invented about 20 years ago." "Never heard of it." "Oh, you will." "No, wait, Lestrade, don't trample the evidence!" "This glass is evidence?" "Damn." "These aren't glass, they're photographic plates." "I believe they were the real target." "They weren't shattered by the explosion, they were methodically destroyed immediately after." "You had better order your people to pick them up carefully." "What an interesting coincidence, just before we were talking about the photograph—" " What were we talking about?" " About the photograph—" " John, what were we talking about?" "Doctor, did I ask you?" " I just thought that—" " I do all the thinking!" "And you're just interfering and trampling over the evidence." " Tracey!" " Yes, sir!" "Pick all these shards up." "Well?" "A normal wedding photograph, if a bit racy;" "the bride is in her seventh month of pregnancy." "The fiancé is a sailor on one of the ships of the British navy." "Apart from the photographer and the happy couple there was someone else present, and this someone is the most interesting person of all." "Holmes, if it weren't for the unlucky bride sitting in the next room being treated with motherwort," "I would think you were bluffing." "But how do you know she's in her seventh month?" "Why didn't you tell me straight away?" "Are you trying to expose me as a fraud?" "This wooden barrier is usually installed by photographers to measure the exact distance to the camera lens." "These footprints are a woman's, you can see that they're further back compared to the man's." "Fine, but... maybe the bride was..." "I don't know... a buxom woman." "Your gesture right now shows exactly why she wasn't." "Buxom women usually have wide hips, but looking at the distance between the footprints, she was clearly thin and the sailor was holding her by the waist." "Don't worry, my lady, everything will be over very quickly." "About two minutes, right?" "In one second." "Magnesium: it gives a very bright flash—the latest thing in photography." "And now look here." "Smile." "Get ready for the flash." "What if I blink?" "Then we will take another one." "Will it be scary?" "Mary, please, just look at the camera and smile." "And now the flash!" "One, two, three!" "And the sailor?" "The footprint from that shoe." "It's a uniform shoe worn by sailors of Her Majesty's Navy— Lestrade, you should know." "Nothing important there..." "The murderer was standing here, see, the footprints are powdered." "He came out a few seconds later after the explosion." "Tom's footprints..." "Right, so, this somebody came back," "he came back and smashed the photo plates." "They are clean, they don't have any plaster on them, so these plates were smashed after the dust had settled." "All right, but why do you think that these were actually a fiancé and a bride?" "Maybe, I don't know..." "Because you are standing on an orange blossom bouquet." "It's a wedding bouquet." " So, was this your acquaintance?" " Acquaintance?" "You must be joking, sir!" "More than just an acquaintance." "I'm not talking about your fiancé, I'm talking about the person who was standing in the corner." "Have you found Tom at last?" "Inspector?" "My people went to the port." "We should be at St. Patrick's Cathedral this evening." "You know, Tom is so smart!" "Do you know what Bimbom Bramsel is?" "Is this a piece of ship's rigging?" "No, it's not." "It's not." "We will find him, Miss..." "Soon to be Mrs." "I wouldn't be so sure." "All right, what happened?" "He said to prepare for the flash, and then boom, and that was it." "Was there anybody else here or not?" "Yes, I think so." "Some gentleman came in right after us." "What did he look like?" "Like a gentleman." "Do you know a lot about fish?" "Why do you say that?" "Your hands told me." "These are old cuts." "All the same." "What fish did he look like?" "A pike." "So he was thin and had a narrow face?" "Yes!" "Yes, yes, and also like a crab." "He had glasses?" "Yes!" "They were... blue." "And the fins?" "Uh, hands." "Hands?" "Like those of an octopus." "Long?" "All of him was like an octopus... pale." "An interesting method of taking a portrait parle." " Yes." " I've got it." " And he... and you..." "Holmes, can I talk to you for a minute?" "Without Watson." "I'll tell him anyway." "That's your business." "And you look like a catfish." "This is classified information, Holmes, that's why your brother asked me to engage you on this case." "What information?" "The assault was targeted at the sailor." "Why do you say that?" "He does serve in the Navy, but in a secret unit." "They test innovative equipment." "What equipment?" "Even I don't know that." "Sir, the sailor, Tom Taylor, did not return aboard his ship." "What nonsense, why would they try to kill a sailor even if he did possess military secrets?" "Maybe it's not about the sailor, but a general warning?" "Rubbish." "The Admiralty, sir." " Thank you, sir." " Thank you, sir." " Listen, Holmes, maybe you'd better go alone." " Go!" "I don't really like offices." "Are you afraid?" "You could say so." "Shame on you, Watson." "You fought in a war." "Yes I did, but offices, well I don't really..." "Watson!" "I can't tell you that." "It's classified information." "Then investigate it yourself." "I was told about your miraculous method." "My method is based on having all the information." "You study ballistics?" "I've read your book." "All your calculations were based on having all the information:" "height, speed, distance, and so on." "My method is the same." "I shouldn't have listened to your brother." "This is a crazy idea." "Goodbye, sir." "Sit!" "Sit." "You are not to tell anybody." "I won't sign anything." "The British Navy is developing a new submarine." "Tom Taylor is a submariner." "Why do they need to kill him?" "You will find this out yourself." "With all due respect, sir, I would understand stealing, stealing secrets, even torturing, but why kill?" "Recently we began to notice that somebody is selling our secrets to the enemy." "Maybe Taylor was a spy and was eliminated." "I don't take guesses." "Do you have any facts?" "No facts." "Apart from..." "I'm listening." "According to our intelligence, a similar submarine is being built in Germany's shipyards." "I understand." "I understand, sir." "Good." "Don't drop me." "So, to eliminate this version once and for all." "I should have brought my gun with me." "What if he's a spy?" "Bimbom Bramsel, Watson, is a pub." "Sir, do you have a room for us?" "We have, but not for the likes of you." "So what is there for us?" "You're probably looking for the Metropole." "Give us some ale for a start." "Did you hear, Pete?" "Dickens have arrived!" "What do you want?" "We're looking for a bloke called Tom Taylor." "Never heard of him." "Pity." "His barge is already out and he'll have to stay behind." "It can't be helped." "Here's your ale." "I don't drink and my friend doesn't either." "We did it just to keep the conversation going." "Whatever makes you happy." "Twopence." "What for?" "For the ale." "So, John, should we pay?" "No, of course not." "Pity you didn't bring your gun with you." "Everything is boring." "Remember, I told you this morning, everything resembles everything else." "You didn't put it like that." "Doesn't matter." "Fine." "Who cares about a tuppence?" "You didn't drink it anyway, did you, gentlemen?" "And we won't." "Don't." "Terrible booze." "Have a good day, gentlemen." "Good day." "Cab!" "Watson, quick, get in." "Where are we going?" "Around that corner for a start." "Go!" "Stop." "Come here." "We're waiting for a companion." "Who?" "A companion." "Tom Taylor, it seems." "But he wasn't there." "Considering the fact that they let us go without scratches and bruises, he was definitely there." "Excuse me, sir, can you show..." "To St. Patrick's Cathedral!" "Could you please move your leg from my hand?" " It hurts a lot." " You're a spy, Tom." "What?" "You're a spy." "And if you don't show up at the wedding, you will be accused of spying and hanged." "Did Mary tell you that?" "Mary said you are a smart man." "Sir, please..." "I don't want to... please, sir..." "Maybe a ring on your finger is better than a noose on your neck." " But she's dense, sir." " Yes, and this dense girl is carrying your child." "But I'm too young to have children, gentlemen—" "It's the gallows, then." "Or maybe it's all the same to you?" "To be honest, I didn't know Mary had such protectors." "She doesn't; you do." "Stand up." "Help." "That's what we are trying to do." "How much pressure is there at ten metres below sea level?" "Uh, a lot, I think." "What's your job aboard the ship?" "A stoker, sir." "Sir, honestly, gentlemen, I swear I'm not a spy." "I know." "Now you're a fiancé." " Look, it's Tom." "Thank you." "Thank you, sir." "We've wasted this day for nothing." "It's not nothing." "We've wasted this day for nothing and for nonsense." "What secrets could a simple stoker know?" "We haven't even found the murderer of the photographer." "Mrs. Hudson, some tea would be nice." "Milk, perhaps?" "No, I'm asking for tea." "I don't know, but if I were you..." "Damn it, what's going on?" "You shouldn't swear today." "Your sign is in the constellation of Aquarius today, so be careful with water." "Fine, make some coffee." "With milk?" "With milk." "What's this box doing here?" "It was brought to you from Inspector Lestrade, they said you know what to do." " Mrs. Hudson, I would—" " Watson!" "Have you ever printed photographs?" "Sorry, Mrs. Hudson." "I found it." "Doctor, I found it." "Do you hear?" "I found it." "What happened?" "Look." "Look." "Hold it." "Does it remind you of anything?" "It's the same photograph." " Yes." " It's not just a coincidence." "No..." "I told you that." "I told you that." "It doesn't matter." "The photographer was murdered because of this plate." " Look carefully here at this face." " What?" "Look." "Glasses." "Glasses." " Do you remember?" " Oh, yes, that's right..." "Eyes like crabs'." " Crabs." " Blue glasses." "Eyes..." "Yes, I need to ask Williams." " Who?" " Charlie." "Where?" "This one?" "Do you know where he is?" "Yes, I think so." "Open up!" "We are here on a business matter." "Visits are in the evenings only." "We have a pass from Scotland Yard." "Scotland Yard." "Can't wait, eh?" "You won't leave people in peace." "Good day, Mr. Holmes." "Pete the Rat!" "Anything to steal, lately?" "Don't, Mr. Holmes, I'm on the path of correction." "Yes, a low road." "Williams!" "You know everybody, Holmes." "Only the ones in jail." "Or almost all of them." "Charlie!" "Charlie!" "Charlie." "Yes, it's me, sir." "I'm Watson." "Doctor Watson." "Glad to meet you, sir, but I'm not ill." "Well, give me your hand." "Your hand!" "Give me your hand!" "What is it that?" "What is it that?" "Maybe I scratched myself." "It's shrapnel, Charlie, shrapnel." "Philby, remember?" "Doctor Philby, he wanted to amputate, but I was against it." "Shrapnel?" " Shrapnel!" " But we don't use shrapnel in Sussex, sir." " Sussex?" " Only shot." "You served in Afghanistan!" " Charlie, what—" " In what county?" "Why are you here?" " They said I was robbing cab passengers." " And you weren't?" "I'm afraid of horses." "You served in the cavalry!" "God forbid, sir, I'm just a fisherman." "These people, who are they?" "Some officers." "All right." "Who is this?" "Some gentleman, sir." "Strange." "It's just that Charlie studied in a drama studio when he was young, and now he's playing a role." "What studio, sir?" "They've all been murdered!" "Murdered!" " How sad." " This man scared you." " Nobody scared me, sir." " Let's go." " This man scared you." " Nobody scared me!" " You will be killed as well," " and this performance of yours will end very badly!" " Let's go." "Let's go, I can't watch this." "Let's go!" " Charlie!" " Guards!" "Charlie, Charlie stop, come here!" " Charlie!" " Guards!" "Open the door!" "I remember you..." "Doctor, I remember..." "It really didn't help, sir..." "Who is this man?" "Mor..." "More?" "Guards!" "Guards!" " Why did you do this?" " Open the door!" "Where have you been?" "Were you paid off?" "Take him to the infirmary." "What did he say?" "What did he say?" "What did he say?" "Where's the head guard?" "Open the door!" "He was a good soldier." "Don't be overly sentimental." "He was a robber and a murderer." "He was a good soldier." "I don't understand." "I do not understand." "You will never understand." "Why does one photograph leave behind so many corpses?" "Who is so ashamed of his looks?" "You should ask your acquaintance about it." "I'm thinking about it." "Let's go to Soho afterwards, it's such a wonderful area." "Of course." "Tell me, have you ever been to a variety theatre?" "Never." "I want to take you there." "They have beautiful girls who sing." "They sing and dance couplets, but you know, these couplets, they are not for a prude's ear." " I'm not a prude." " Oh?" "You're not a prude, sir, you're a wallet." "You're American, two days in London," "came to buy a locomotive." "Do we know each other?" "And just outside the Ministry of Transport she slapped you in the face." "Let me guess why." " Because locomotives kill innocent animals." " Yes." "Yes, yes, something like that, and now she's showing you London?" " Yes." " You are a wallet." "Give the photograph back." "Sorry." "Sherlock, what do you want?" "Oh, a lot." "Good day." "For example, the weather is becoming worse and worse every year so..." "You know, right now the Earth is in the constellation of Aquarius under the influence of Mars, that's why it's so cold." "What do you want?" "Why?" "Can't an old friend visit his acquaintance?" "An old friend can." "An old enemy can't." "I have never been an enemy to you!" "I know." "It's stuffy in here." "I'll open the window." "There are bars." "My God, Irene, you live in a prison." "I live." "In some sense." "What a safe!" "What's in there?" "It's a woman's secret." "I always loved secrets." "What kind of lock is it?" "Let me try." "Let me." "A safecracker friend of mine taught me how to pick any lock." "I promise I won't look inside, it's just professional interest." "Don't be so rough, Irene." "Get out!" "Please leave." "Looks like we're not welcome here." "I found the place, it's a safe, but we won't be able crack it." " Are you sure?" " That the photograph is there?" "No." "But that it's not money?" "Absolutely." "I'm sure whatever is in there is incredibly important." "But since we can't steal it, we have to think of a plan that will make her bring it to us herself." "Listen, which is more important: the woman or the photo?" "The photo." " Watson, what is this?" " Wait here, in the gateway." "What are you doing?" "Where are you going, sir?" "What are you doing, sir?" "What are you doing?" "Open the door!" "Open up!" "Somebody let me in!" "Open up!" "Open!" "What have you done?" "!" "A good use of the photographic chemicals." "But Irene is in there!" "Listen to me, you wanted the photograph!" "That's what we're going to get." "You—" "Stop!" "Just be quiet, and calm down!" "Let me help you, let's go." "Let the woman out first." "It's the damn Irish!" "Go away!" "No, no!" "Give it back!" " Holmes, run!" " Give it back!" "Bastards!" "Let me go!" "Let me go!" "Holmes, come back!" "We will be all killed!" "I'm sorry." "Holmes, I beg of you!" "I take it we won't be dining now." "Dr. Watson." "Dr. Watson!" "What happened?" "What happened?" "Dr. Watson, you begin to resemble a rogue." "Here!" "Damn, I can't see the face." "What absurdness!" "What a mystery!" "I don't understand." "Holmes, today I..." "I don't understand, why would you steal a photograph when you can't see the face anyway?" "!" "Today I lost another friend," "and I became a criminal because of you." "So what do you want me to do?" "Should I pity you?" "Congratulate you?" "What, Doctor?" "I know this clock," "I've seen it!" "Lestrade!" "I..." "I know this clock!" "Lestrade!" "Lestrade's face is much more pleasant." "Who was it?" "Go, go!" "The biggest mistake, no, not mine, but of God Almighty," "is you, Holmes." "You, with your extravagance, are not just interfering with the investigation, you are harming it!" "Don't think your brother will always protect you." "And you are an accomplice of a criminal!" "Inspector." "Holmes..." "What are you doing here?" " Tracey, see this gentleman out the door." "Out!" " Please." "The great detective couldn't guess that Scotland Yard would take the sailor from the wedding, guessing is" "too hard for him." "But we've taken him right from his marriage bed." "That's it, you're not investigating this case anymore." "Please return the evidence, and get the hell out of here!" " Ask about the prison." " Oh yes!" "What were you doing in the prison?" "A murder occurred in your presence." "The doctor was visiting his friend." "Holmes, don't you think you're sowing death?" "Everywhere you go, a corpse appears." "Holmes, so what was in that letter?" "Do they want the photographs back?" "No." "So why did they kidnap Irene Adler?" "They're going to kill her." "Then what do they want from you?" "They want me to steal a fur coat from the French Ambassador." "What?" "Yes, it sounds silly." "Why do they need a fur coat?" "Maybe they're cold." "Monsieur Victor, my quill is at risk of blotting and ruining an important petition." "I understand that politics is a dirty business, but I don't want to be that literal." "Could you get me real steel English nibs?" "Yes, Monsieur, I will go and send for a messenger now." "Actually, I'm almost done." "Call your messenger, and ask him to deliver the letter to the Ministry." "You will go with him." "Yes, Monsieur." "Voila!" "Who's this looking so grumpy today?" "Charles Gauthier." "Sherlock Holmes." "Holmes..." "Holmes..." "I have encountered your name somewhere before." "In the recommendation letter." "Oh, yes, yes, Mycroft Holmes, yes, that's right." "Please sit down." "I hope you're not an English spy?" "But I don't keep any secrets from a friendly country." "Holmes, where can a respectable man entertain himself?" "You can play croquet." "That's boring." " Covent Garden." " Too academic." "Shakespeare?" "I can't sleep for a week after all these betrayals, intrigues, and murders." "What else?" "We have a variety theatre." "Is that so!" "Where?" "I'll find out." "Please do find out, because our people in the Embassy read Hugo all day." " What tastelessness." " I find Dickens even more tasteless." "What have you read by Dickens?" "Nothing." " Good man!" " I don't like belles-lettres, I read them only if I need to." "Need to?" "How do you mean?" "My friend is a writer." "You know, my third secretary specialises in it, I mean, in English culture." "Could you acquaint me with your writer friend?" "Could you put the sound down?" "I could." "But really, this music should be allowed to thunder." "It brings me back to life." "I think it will kill me." "Holmes, I have a letter here for your diplomatic parish, could you deliver it?" " To the Foreign Office?" "Of course." " You will be given a carriage." " Why?" "I can walk there." " No, it's a diplomatic pouch, after all." "I apologise for the formalities, but you'll have to sign this." "Monsieur Victor!" "Here and here." "Now, if the letter disappears, there will be a guillotine awaiting you." "Joking." "Monsieur Victor will accompany you." " Monsieur." " A pleasure." "The Foreign Office is actually on the left." "And St. James' Park is in the opposite direction." "Do you speak English?" "Did something upset his stomach?" "I thought the French were meant to be a patient lot." "Three days." "Sorry, I'm so clumsy." "Did you upset your stomach?" "Oysters, perhaps?" ""Rock, paper, scissors, and a bottle of lemonade, and a box of chocolates, and a screwdriver's also needed, pencil, water, fire, one, two, three."" "Watson, are you all right?" "I beg your pardon?" "A chauvinist officer." "Thank God we're in an empire with a monarchy, and that chauvinism has never been here and never will!" "A chauvinist officer." "Why did you need to write about something like this?" "The reader isn't interested." "But it's true." "My dear fellow, the truth of life and the truth of art are completely different things." "The aim of an artist is to take the events of real life and pass them through the forge of his talent, so to speak," " in order to create and release a—" " A fairy-tale." "A piece of art." "Would you like to hear my advice?" "I think I have a good idea." "This story with the treasure, you need to follow this path, you understand?" "Ancient treasure hunters, secrets, romance." "I don't want to tell you what to do, but I would start with this:" "a poor young woman comes to this detective of yours." "Every year she has been receiving a pearl, and suddenly... something, I don't know, and so on." "No need for politics, all right?" "We have other columns for that." "I want to compliment you, absolutely seriously." "Your writing has improved." "You write much better than you speak." "Watson!" "So how did it go?" " What's the matter?" " Everything is awful." "Why do you need to ask?" "Isn't it obvious?" "I was just curious, I..." "Do you want dinner," " or a drink?" " Yes." "An ambassador wants to meet with you." "With me?" "You're a writer." "You left your notes in the living room once." ""Beat the drum, play the trumpet, slash the enemy..."" "Oh, that... just an early draft..." "Some horrible atrocity is being planned for the Embassy, and I'm a tool in their hands." "But the Ambassador is a fine man." "Where's Holmes?" "Good day, Inspector." "It is you I need, Holmes." "Good day, Inspector!" "What?" "Do you want pleasantries?" "You're like a languishing lady who loses her consciousness when no curtseys are exchanged." " What happened?" " Your sailor escaped." "First of all, he's not mine, but Her Majesty's!" "Secondly, how did he manage to do this under the eye of your vaunted guards?" "And thirdly, I..." "I don't know why he did it." "You didn't ask me a single meaningful question." "Where did you find him?" "He said you found him and drove him to the wedding." "In a pub." "Bimbom Bramsel." "Where is it?" "At the port." "But I don't think he's sitting there right now waiting for you, he's not that stupid as to hide there twice." "There's a chance he misses his bride, but that's unlikely." "You've found enough." "Maybe you're right about the pub," " but still." "I'll send Gregson to the port." " Gregson?" "To Bimbom Bramsel?" "Anything else?" "Yes, Holmes." " I hinder your life, presumably." " Exactly!" " And you do it on purpose." " Inspector, you're not being excluded" "Thank you." "Well, Inspector, I hope that now you can give my friend some peace." "And you, Dr. Watson, are becoming like him." "Don't you think, Inspector, that a man tends to make everything around him resemble himself?" "And a good day to you, too, Inspector." "Why did he come?" "I need your help." "This evening we are going to a reception at the French Embassy." "Yes, thank you." "Can I try it?" "Jane, are you sure?" "Vickie, if I managed to harness a mustang, then I can deal with this slime one way or another." "Madam, be careful not to cut your delicate fingers." "Have some lemon." "Take it in your mouth... and swallow." "Have some champagne, Madam." "Awful." "I think so too." "Madame, messieurs," " I propose a toast, to women!" " Yes!" "What's this?" "Why does this chicken have such a piquant flavour?" "These are frog legs, Madam." "Sorry." "Monsieur Victor, take Madam to the toilet room." "In India, they also eat bugs, cockroaches, and..." "You must be joking." " Excuse me, but..." " You have very a charming wife." "And where is your wife?" "Somewhere." "I haven't met her yet." "In America, we don't accept unmarried people for diplomatic work." "We had this rule as well, but we decided afterwards that adultery is far more scandalous than the adventures of a bachelor." "Fair enough." "Please excuse me." "Vickie, why didn't you warn me?" "I did." "Being an ambassador's wife is very difficult." "But not this difficult." "To your health!" "Let's go and eat properly at last." "So, now there's no need for these ceremonies anymore." "Yes." "Yes, what a sweet couple." "A very sweet couple." "And Madam Jane is just charm itself." "What simplicity!" "Absolutely." "Well, I can say there are very complicated relations between our countries." "Oh?" "Yes!" "I would even say we are at risk of war." "I see..." "But why?" "Oh, nobody remembers why." "But should a single spark appear..." "But it seemed..." "It just seemed so." "The reception was full of hostile subtexts." "Such as when you fed them the oysters?" "Oh, that too." "I let them know that our country is more civilised, much more sophisticated, and if, God forbid, something happens, then we will feed them like this until they're blue in the face." "And them?" "Who?" "Oh, the Ambassador hinted that he doesn't make empty promises, and if they have harnessed a mustang, then as for the slime..." "They will deal with the slime somehow." "But regardless, the reception was spent in constructive conversation and I can say that the three of us: the Ambassador, his wife, and myself, we are the last stronghold of peace between our countries." "Is that so?" "We have been trying to bring our governments to the table of negotiations for one and a half years, but unsuccessfully." "Unsuccessfully..." "You are also active participants in this conflict." "Us?" "I mean England." "England." "And if, God forbid, something happens, such as a war between America and France, you won't be left out." "It is difficult, very difficult to realise that you are responsible for millions of human lives." "Now you understand?" "They want to start a war!" "Oh?" "I thought it was the other way round." "And I will be the one to do it." "I will send thousands of soldiers to their deaths." "How?" "I don't know." "I can't even imagine." "But I saw how they put a note into Miss Jane's purse." "What note?" "I'm sure a loving letter." "How piquant." "And it will be written in a French hand." "So it's the French who wrote it?" "The handwriting is forged." "And the American will fall for it?" "All right, fine, even if he does, can this really start a whole war?" "For heaven's sake, Watson, wars have started over much finer trifles!" "Listen, I'm going to say something you won't like to hear." " Don't, Doctor." " Just let me..." " Don't." "Let me ask you, is a life of one— to put it bluntly— one not so virtuous person, really worth the lives of hundreds of thousands soldiers?" "You make it sound so simple, Doctor." "A life has a price for you." "You're an accountant, a textualist." "But here your accounting, your mathematics, they won't work!" "I'm a soldier!" "I used to sew the stomachs and jaws of our lads who were sent into this meat grinder by our so-called moral and principled politicians— Me!" "If I were asked whether the life of this person, of this... whore, is worth the lives of a hundred thousand men, I wouldn't hesitate for a moment." "Hey, puny." "Vegetarian?" "I'm puny?" "No, I'm well-fed." "But you're lean... like a dried pike." "Interesting." "You're goggle eyed, are you wearing glasses?" "Are you afraid of light?" "Continue." "Your arms are fidgety, like tentacles." "Do you study ichthyology?" "I study criminology." "You're smoking the Royal Caribbean." "Maybe the bag is not thick enough?" "No, he can't see." "Stand up." "Up, up." "Stand in any bizarre position and I will describe it." "Very well." "How do I look?" "Like a fool!" "Nice." "Very nice." "You know, Holmes, yesterday all my troubles seemed so far away." "And I believe in my yesterday." "What about you, Mr. Holmes, do you believe in your yesterday?" "I believe in today." "Very good." "Then let's get straight to the point." "Tomorrow, you will put on the fur coat of the French Ambassador and sneak into the American residence." "Why?" "Well, I also like to joke sometimes." "I won't agree to this." "The life of one whore isn't worth the lives of thousands of others." "You're thinking like an accountant." "Then we will kill her right now." "That means nobody will believe that I've been here." "It's a pity nobody will ever believe in your existence." "Can I go?" "Why?" "You want to miss such a show?" "Oh yes, that's right, you won't see anything, but" "I guarantee that you will hear everything very well." "I would really like you to feel everything yourself." "Hold her tighter." "We will cut her little finger first, then one breast." "Perhaps you'd like to try it yourself?" "No?" "I understand it's easier to talk than to act." "Begin." "No, please don't, I beg you, don't!" "Don't!" "Right now everything depends on Mr. Holmes." "Then kill me now, he doesn't give a damn about me!" "Yes, yes." "That's exactly how he put it. "I don't give a damn about this whore"." "Cut." "I agree!" "I agree!" "I agree!" "I agree!" "Pick him up." "Now, listen carefully." "Tomorrow, during breakfast, I will read in a newspaper that at night somebody sneaked into the residence of the American Ambassador." "The perpetrator discovered the time at which the guards were changed." "He climbed over the fence in a place that wasn't guarded, climbed the wall to the balcony, the door to which was open because of the guards' oversight, and entered the bedroom of the Ambassador's wife." "Mrs. Jane!" "Mrs. Jane!" "Mrs. Jane!" "I'll explain everything." "Don't scream now!" "What are you going to explain?" "Stupid operetta." "Too eager to attack." "Sherlock, you often forget about the defence..." "But overall, you aren't doing too badly." "I need your help." "The Ambassador of Germany, and his wife." "Look at all these false smiles." " Surely you're exaggerating—" " I'm understating." "Why are you trembling so badly?" "It's become cold." "The Ambassador of Russia, and his wife." "And where are the bears?" "Probably cycling in the streets of St. Petersburg." " He didn't come?" " He didn't." "He's late." "Maybe we could meet him at the entrance?" " Ladies and gentlemen!" " What use will it be to us?" " I invite you all to the table." " I don't know, but we have to do something." "Still not here." " Go and sit, I'll join you soon." " All right, I'll wait for you at the table." " So you don't like French cuisine either?" " Oh, sir, I adore it." "They invited everyone to the table, by the way." "That's why I'm eating." "It's impossible to see all these dishes, to smell them, and have no opportunity to touch them!" " Why?" "Can't you?" " I can!" "I can." "I..." "I'm a translator." "I just have no time." "At first one is talking and the other eats, then they change roles, and I'm translating the whole time." "I have no time to eat!" "Quite a dilemma you have." " Yes." " Goodbye." "They didn't come?" "No." "Damn, I need to go." "Pity I didn't borrow a sandwich from the translator." "Excuse me." "Ladies and gentlemen!" "Mesdames and messieurs!" "Somehow it came to be that the greatest national holiday of the French is celebrated not in December, when the whole world celebrates Christmas, nor in spring, during Easter, but in July, when common people stormed and destroyed France's state prison, the Bastille." "This means that we celebrate vandalism." "But we French are romantics, and we believe that the day will come when every prison in the world is destroyed, and when there is finally established a kingdom of freedom, equality and brotherhood." "And I'm very happy that you're all with us today." "Freedom?" "Very cute, Monsieur." "Absolute freedom." "Tell me, is this your note?" ""The French are famous for their love fantasies, and I am no exception." "I propose to meet." "Love should be free."" "It's not my note." "I didn't write this." "Whose handwriting is that?" "Why don't you say anything?" "Monsieur Ambassador's." "And whose fur coat is this?" "Well actually, you don't need to answer, your monogram is in the lining." "Where did you get it?" "In my wife's bedroom!" "Vickie, no!" "Vickie!" "I did everything." "You promised to free Irene." "What you did... was atrocious." "Yes, and I don't even know if they'll free her or not." "Tomorrow a war could start." "Did you see how happy the German was?" "Did you see how happy the German was?" "I know who will be the happiest." "You know, Holmes, sometimes I feel as if you just invented this fictional character, this..." "I don't know, this embodiment of the world's evil, this..." "That's what I told him." "That I'd be the only one to believe in his existence, and no one else." "I want to go home." "...I just don't know." "Well, Mrs. Hudson?" "What are the stars telling you now?" "Tomorrow, you'll have a good day." "And today?" "Today is already over." "This woman has been waiting for you." "Sherlock, I..." "I came to retrieve my belongings." "You didn't bring your luggage?" "Check your pockets!" "Is the wallet still there?" "Remove the ladder!" "Ready to go!" "So Mrs. Hudson was right, the day started off well." "Nobody will find her in Argentina." "Shall we go?" "Where?" "Do you believe in the afterlife?" "I'm a doctor." "Monsieur, good day, Monsieur!" "Meet Dr. Watson, get to know him while there's still an opportunity to do so!" "A great, great Asclepius!" "All right, all right!" "I forgot my stick." "What stick?" "You didn't have a stick!" "That's only your opinion!" "But you're right." " What do you think about this music?" "The Ambassador loved it!" " Stop this outrage!" "It's a miracle!" "Soldiers, take him!" "I'll explain!" " Don't scream now!" " What are you going to explain?" "A matter of life and death." "What are you doing in Jane's bedroom?" "Trying to start a war between America and France." "I hope you will prevent me from doing that." "And you really said that?" "I'm very eloquent when nervous." "No, it's impossible, are you kidding me?" "Vickie..." "Vickie." "If not, then they will kill her." "Chop her finger off first, then a breast." " Am I an actor?" " You're a gentleman." " Jane, do you know how this will look?" " Amusing." "It will look amusing." "No, it should be quite persuasive." "It should be quite plausible." " Fine, get ready, we're going." " No, not now." " When?" " Tomorrow at the reception." " At the reception?" " At the reception?" " Otherwise there's no point." "But this is a public humiliation." "I can't go to such lengths..." "Vickie!" "Vickie!" "How long has it been since you last read the Constitution, hm?" "Jane, this is not the right time." " It's always right the time, Vickie, always." "I hope you remember what is always America's greatest priority?" " The President." "Human life." "And not your dignity and comfort, Vickie." "Jane, don't..." "Don't make me cheat on you for real..." "And then Mrs. Jane says: "Vickie, let's write something on the wall with blood!" Blood!" "Blood?" "Oh, what a sweetheart this Mrs. Jane is!" "Simplicity itself!" "And it didn't take long to persuade me." " You're French." "You have an artistic nature." " You're right." "Anyhow, here's a whole list of variety theatres." "Oh, how lovely." "Oh, splendid!" "Thank you very much!" "So, uh, what was next?" "John, you're a military man, if you can create false explosions then surely a blank round shouldn't be beyond your imagination." "We must be going." "As must I. I must visit all the Embassies and convince everyone that I'm alive and well." "Perhaps we could organise another reception?" " A great idea." "I have only one thing to ask of you." " What is that?" "Announce about ten minutes of silence at the table." "Why?" " So that the translators have time to eat." " All right." "Are we not going home?" "We have still have unfinished business at the Admiralty." "And what are we going to do there?" "I understood everything right there." "The clock." "And?" "What will we tell him?" "Wrong question." "What will he answer us?" " I hate offices." " Me too." "Excuse me, gentlemen." "Please make it quick." "How is it going?" "What do you want?" "Tom..." "Tom Taylor, what have you done?" "!" "I've carried out the sentence, sir." "You!" "Who do you think you are?" "Judge?" "Executioner?" "I'm a secret agent of Her Majesty..." "Quiet, quiet..." "I've eliminated a German spy." " I'll get help." " Don't, Doctor." " Sir, everything's because of the photograph..." " What photograph?" "What photograph?" "Shelf six, cupboard two, volume four." "Sir," "I still love Mary, you know?" " Even though she's dense." "We'll have a son..." " You will." " And he will look like you." "We all look a bit like each other, haven't you noticed?" "Just recently I've been telling Watson that all people are alike." "He's dead, Holmes." "Sherlock, he died." "We need to go." "Moriarty." "Pagliacci"