"Mike!" "Mike!" "Mike!" "I'm hearing that some banks may be requiring a federal bailout." "Bailouts are not on the table." "It is possible some banks may require massive capital infusions." "That's the literal definition of bailing something out." "There will be no bailouts." "I was clear on this point." "Very clear on this." "So, next up on the hit parade, we get to decide which banks to bail out." "Well, I hope to fiscal fuck the fed has a trillion dollars stuffed in a mattress somewhere." "There are three banks in danger that are gonna need massive infusions of cash over the weekend." "Essentially, we can only afford to bail out two." "And if we do nothing?" "Go to the ATM Monday and dust will come out." "This is not a decision we can make based on politics." " No, definitely not." " But we've got to save Janders Capital" " because they're based in Illinois." " We need Illinois." "That's one." "Paulsten-Berheim or EM Wheelright?" "Well, Wheelright is Charlie Baird's bank." "So..." "My pick is EM Wheelright." "You know what, Tom?" "I think... oh, yes." "What he just said." "Um, could everyone who doesn't absolutely have to be here please leave the room?" "Thank you." "Ma'am, you cannot bail out Charlie Baird's bank." "Why not?" "'Cause that's gonna look like you care more about your boyfriend than you do the economy, normal people, and everything else you're supposed to care about." " AIDS for example." " Thanks, Kent's autism." "Look, there is no love lost between me and Charlie Baird." "Though it pains me to say it, his bank is stronger." " That's my point." " It's the right call for the future." "Ma'am, you are not going to have a future if you bail out Charlie." "All right, I'm gonna need some more time." "At least when Truman made the decision to drop the bomb, he wasn't fucking anyone in Hiroshima." "That we know of." "Hello there." "I'm Jonah Ryan." "And I grew up right here in the awesome state of New Hampshire." "The Granite State of the United States." "For your family, for your future, vote Ryan for Congress." "My name is Jonah Ryan and I approve this message." "So, now you have all seen the ad and we want to know what you think about it." " Anyone?" " I didn't like the guy." "You don't like him?" "Okay." "That wood he's chopping, it's not gonna burn right." "To burn... the wood is not going to burn." "What else?" "His head is too big for his body." "But then sometimes his body is too big for his head." " He's the wrong shape." " Uh, shape is wrong?" "Does anyone have anything positive to say about the ad?" " I like the kid." " Yeah." "Like the kid in the ad, the little boy." "But I did not like that he was next to that guy." "I was like, "Run, kid."" "Oh, surprise, surprise." "Look who's here." "Do you morons really not understand that this is a two-way mirror?" "Seriously?" "Are you shocked by that technology?" "I work in the fucking West Wing, you Pepperidge Farm ad motherfuckers." " Fuck you." " Watch your mouth." "Sit your fucking mom jeans ass down, dude." "You've got to learn to control your fucking temper!" "Wow." "Lord." "This is beyond language." "I know the world of focus groups." "I think maybe we picked the wrong candidate." "Uh-huh." "How is Catherine there and also here?" " She's not here, ma'am." " Since when?" " Last week." " Oh, my God." "And then to put a fucking cherry on this shit sundae, did you guys see that article in "Politico"?" ""Meyer's Five Biggest Economic Mistakes"?" "No." ""Recession Has a New NAME: the Selina Slump"?" "No." "Gary, you have the machine?" " Yeah." " Listen to this." ""In a further sign of low morale"..." "No, you've got to read it properly." " Nope, that's not it." " You've got to spin it." "Here we go." "Why does it keep doing the turning?" ""A high-level West Wing staffer was recently overheard calling the president the C word."" "Can you believe this shit?" " Oh, wow." " That's crazy." "Yeah, this is broken, by the way." "Ma'am, I think that we need to resume our focus on relaunching Jonah's campaign." "We need a Jonah whisperer, except somebody who's gonna, like, yell in his face and call him stupid." " Oh, we need Dan Egan." " Dan turned us down." "But I've got some interviews lined up." " We'll make the right choice." " Well, are you doing it?" "You're just sitting here farting into my couch." "Let's go, let's go, let's go." "Amy, I need to talk to you for a moment." "Yes, ma'am." "I want you to find out who called me a cunt." " Ma'am..." " Listen, with the votes and the banks, we can't have a traitor in our castle, right?" "Yeah..." " You need to bring me a head." " Yes, ma'am." "Hey, Dan." "You want to go to lunch later at Hansong Korean Barbecue?" "Come on, I've got a Groupon, expires Monday." "50 bucks for $100 worth of food." "It's in Annandale, Mike." "No one from DC goes to fucking Annandale." "Hey, how about an $80 in-home massage for 40 bucks?" " With release?" " No." "Then what's the point?" "Hey, why did you turn down the Jonah job?" "Come on." "Jesus, Dan, you wouldn't know the smart move if it bent you over and fucked you with a Coke bottle." "If Jonah loses, no one's gonna blame you." " If he wins, you're a political genius." " I'll think about it." "Think fast." "Ben's interviewing candidates right now." "Not worried." "Move, move!" "The widow bravely carrying the flag narrative has traction for about a week." "After that, done." "Hey, Ben, can I..." "Dan, do you know Candi Caruso?" " Yes." " No." "Can I speak to you for a second?" " Yeah." "Excuse me." " Sorry." "I'm sorry, Candi." "The position's been filled." " Aw." " Thanks for coming in." " It's good seeing you again." " Mm-hmm." "What's this about?" "Am I in trouble?" "No, no." "The president asked me to speak to everyone about a certain matter." "Is this about the coffee pods I took from the kitchen?" " We had a brunch and I took them." " No." "No." "Mike, do you know who called the president a cunt?" "No, I..." "I have no idea." "Okay, I'm sorry." "I can't do this." "She put me in charge of this whole stupid investigation and it was me." "I called her a cunt." "You did?" "I thought everyone knew it was me." "I was in the Senate building with Dan and I'm sure someone overheard me." "I shouted it into my phone on the Acela Quiet Car." "Okay." "I've made my decision." "We are going to bail out Charlie's bank." "I don't care what hits we take." "It's for the good of the country in the long run." " Bravo, Madam President." " Yeah." " Ma'am, if I could just..." " Nope." "I don't want to hear it, okay?" "That's my final solution." ""Who Wants to be a Millionaire?"" "Do you get it?" "Yeah." "I can't ever forget it's about the people." "Are you even getting any of this?" "Getting what?" "I was looking thoughtfully out the window." "Some straight up JFK level shit." "I was just getting some B-roll of the fax machine." "Ah!" "Come on!" "God." "You know, the state that you live in sucks." "Sir, as your director of communications," "I need to tell you that we just got a letter from the band Rush." "Really?" "They said that we can't use the song "Working Man" anymore because they find you odious." "You know what?" "I play what I want." "Copyright shit went out with the Zune." "Whoa, I'm sorry." "What are you doing here?" "Hello, Jonah." "Richard." " Hi, Catherine." " When you talk to me, you ruin the film." "Always a pleasure." "I'm here to be your new campaign manager." "Holy shit, are you here to beg me for a job?" "As director of communication, I should have been alerted to this." "Uh, why don't you have a seat and tell me about your job history and we'll go from there?" "From now on, Jonah, you will shut the fuck up and do exactly as I say." "And if you listen to me instead of your only two brain cells busy butt-fucking each other somewhere in the vast expanses of your misshapen skull, then maybe, Jonah, you might have a chance at becoming the first mentally impaired Frankenstein's monster" "to ever win an American election." "And by the way, your banner makes it look like your name is Jon H. Ryan, so great job, communications department." " I'm taking this office." " Wait, that's my office." "I got that." "How do you look so good with all this stress?" "You're glowing." "You actually look younger." "What did you do?" "Oh, my God, he noticed." " What?" " Mmm." "Uh, I have a new facial moisturizer." " Oh." " And a new soap." " Gary." " Yeah, I'll just stand over here." " Actually, I think..." " I'll just leave the room." " Yes." " Yeah." "Listen, Selina, I want to apologize." "I know that our relationship has compromised your job." " Yeah." " But you're the president." "Whatever you decide is best." "And it won't affect our relationship one way or another." " Okay." " Now, enough shoptalk." " Yeah, no kidding." " All right." " Let's talk about something else." " Yes." " Do you want to just have sex?" " Yeah." " Yeah." " It's got to be quick, though." "I got wheels up at 9:30." "Ooh, that turns me on." " Hello, ma'am." " Amy, come to my office." " Right now?" " Yeah." "Of course." "Set a reminder." "Make an appointment to freeze eggs." "Ma'am, are you okay?" " Amy, how's the investigation going?" " Oh, uh, fine." "I mean, the investigation of me being called a cunt." " I knew which one you meant." " Yeah, good." "Well, it does occur to me that we've all got a lot on our plates right now." "Yeah." "So I think we should push this investigation until after everything..." "I want you to fire Gerry Duggan," "Phil Neary and what's her ass, Lisa..." "Hatch?" "Yeah, I want her out of the comms department, okay?" "Because they should not have let an article about me being called a cunt get out in the first place, right?" " Well, I'm not the person who..." " Fire them." " Okay." " I am the first female president of the United States and this is an affront." "Yes, ma'am." "I'll tell you something, Amy." "A lot of people don't want me to be president." "And you know why." "Because fundamentally, people hate women, right?" "I mean, they'll just stop at nothing to get me out of here." "Everybody's trying to get me, but I'm not gonna let them." "You okay, ma'am?" "Have you ever been called a cunt?" "Many times." "Well, now I have, too, apparently once." "Hey, Mom, I'm back." "You were gone?" "Oh, right, you were in New Hampshire." " Gary, is now a good time?" " Mm-hmm." " What?" "He's not in charge of me." " Mm-mmm." "I just wanted to know can we talk for a second?" "Yeah." "I feel like since Mee-Maw died," "I've had some time to reflect on things and, you know, why things didn't work out between me and Jason." "Uh-huh." "Or the guy in college who wanted to watch me pee." "Or the guy with the weirdly high voice." "No, there were two guys with weirdly high voices." " Yeah, there were two." " Do you remember?" " I've been trying..." " Madam President." "Yeah?" "I have to deal with whatever this is, okay, Catherine?" "So we can talk later." " Guys, I don't want to hear it." " Ma'am." "Ma'am." "No, guys, you know I'm not gonna rethink it." " I've made the decision." " Madam President!" "That is if you'd like for that to remain your title!" "Wow." "What?" "It's worse than we thought." "I ran the numbers." "Approval rating for bailing out your sexual partner's financial establishment... 4.3%." "Hanukah polls higher in Mecca." "But it's the right bank to bail out, right?" "That's right, ma'am, but nobody understands the economy." " Literally nobody." " Not literally." "And then I think we lose three or four states in Congress just like that." "What would you guys do if you had to choose between your cock and your balls?" "I could lose them both." "I mean, at this stage they're purely decorative." "Guys, you want to go out later for some Hansong Korean Barbecue?" "Korean barbecue is a travesty and a far cry from authentic." " I'm his plus one." " Sue?" "That's Korean for "I hate you."" "Marjorie?" "That is her name, right?" "Sorry to do this, everyone." "But I've done some deep soul diving and we are going to bail out Paulsten-Berheim." " Oh, fuck." " Make that happen." "Thank nonexistent Jesus." "No, I don't know." "I don't want to wear the glasses." "They're part of your relaunch." "They make you look half smart, you fucking goon." "You know what we call people like you back in my day?" "Retards." "Tom Petty says we can't use "Won't Back Down" anymore." "Okay, well, fuck him if he thinks I'm gonna back down." "That's, like, the whole point of the song." "We got the okay from Gary Glitter, but he's in jail for child rape, so maybe not the first choice." "Okay, all right, now listen to me." "Go out there, turn this thing around, all right?" "The widow's beating you by 30 points." "She's a retired second grade teacher, for Christ's sake." "Yeah, who sucks and gives too much homework." " She's your second grade teacher?" " Yeah." "Jonah Ryan, pleasure to meet you." "Thanks for coming out, sir." "Jonah Ryan, running for Congress." "Pleasure to meet you." "Get a picture of me and this guy's mustache." "Jonah Ryan." "Ma'am, I have some breakfast back there." "You should really try the corned beef hash." "It's so much more agreeable than anything that gets dished out in prison." "Bill." "I thought you were in the..." "The slammer?" "My lawyer got it thrown out on appeal." "O'Brien hired me to be the Widow Sherman's new campaign manager." " You're kidding me." " No, Dan." "One thing you learn in prison is not to make jokes." "I am fructose intolerant, you nitwit." "I assume what I'm seeing is the patented Egan touch." "I'll see you on the campaign trail, amigo." "Tell the president no hard feelings." "Oh, wait, that's right." "I do have hard feelings." "I'm consumed by them." "...we're not in this situation." "This is done." "Dan, we got to go." " Yeah." "Yes." " Dan." "Oh, Catherine." "Honey, you wanted to talk to me privately before." " Now is a perfect time." " Really?" "Mm-hmm." "Now, what happened to the boyfriend with the high voice?" "He couldn't go to the bathroom?" "What it was more about was just my relationships and examining a sort of common pattern..." "Ma'am." " Yeah?" " I wondered... hey, Catherine." "I wondered if you and I could just have a moment together?" " Privately." " Definitely." "I'm gonna talk to you later." "Tom, I don't think... where are you going?" "Ma'am, you are known to be" " a very smart political operator." " I know." "Good afternoon." "Hello again." "On second thought, we are now going to bail out" "Charlie and Wheelright." "Thank you." "Yeah." "No." "You know what?" "On third thought, let's just stick with the plan before." "We're going to bail out Paulsten." "Yeah." "Yeah." "So, who had 12:50 P.M.?" "Huh, you eat." "I suppose you need something to nervously shit out." "Hello, Leon." "It's always good to see the most left-swiped face on Tinder." "Busy day." "Three people fired from the communications office." "High turnover department." "Or is a panicky mass firing because someone called POTUS a cunt in "Politico"?" "Ah, I just blew the lid off of Cuntgate." " It's not a gate." " No, it's very much a gate." " Untrue." " You should watch out, Amy." "You don't want to be the face of Cuntgate." "Although you do have the perfect face for it." "So it spread to the insurance companies?" " At least three of them." " Jesus Christ." "Oh, come on." "Good evening." "It is me again." "Um, yeah, so I was just talking to Mike and I definitely want to bail out Wheelright." "That's a smart play." "Mike!" "You fucking jagoff." "Is this about the coffee pods?" "I swear I was gonna put..." "No, you told the president to bail out Charlie's bank." "No, I didn't say anything about banks." "I was talking to her about how Wendy paid off my student loans and how I love her for it." "You still have student loans?" "How old are you?" "I'm not good with money." "Now, the widow's gonna get 10 minutes, then you get 10 minutes." "Hi, I'm Jonah Ryan." "So happy to be here." "What a great cause." " Stump speech." " I'm listening and I'm a doer." "It's good to start with a joke about a local bigwig like Mayor Brock is here tonight." "I guess when he had cancer, the doctors removed his ability to stop doing his kid's babysitter." "Seems kind of harsh." "I know New Hampshire." "Trust me, big laugh." "Also, sir, some bands we haven't used have sent some preemptive cease-and-desist orders." "Sting, Bruce Springsteen... sent two letters, actually... and Enya." "Enya?" "Send her a fucking cease-and-desist letter." " Hello, Jonah." " Good morning, Mrs. Sherman." "I still remember that lovely macaroni portrait you made of your mother." "I don't recall that macaroni portrait, Mrs. Sherman." " Please welcome..." " Excuse me, ma'am." "You're on." "...ourfirstspeaker,Mrs. Judy Sherman." "Thank you." "Did you hear that dig about the macaroni portrait?" "Can you fucking believe that?" "Hey, we're on a code black." "POTUS is on an opinion shopping spree." "Come on." "Hey, slow down." "I'm on Coumadin." "Sue, we need to see the president." "Gentlemen, you'll have to towel off and wait." " She's in with someone." " Who?" "Whom." "Come on, Charlie, 100%." " 100%." " All right, great." "Now, on the other hand, bailing out your boyfriend," "I mean, that could be career-ending, right?" "Yeah, right." "But, I mean, if you had a gun to your head..." "Oh, maybe the gun doesn't have any bullets." "Well, thank you so much for coming." "It was my pleasure." "Oh, gentlemen." "Well, that was completely useless." "Ma'am, we need a final decision right now, even if it's the wrong one." "I just need a little bit more time." "If we don't put a plan into action tomorrow morning, then by Monday we will be Greece." "The country, not the musical." "All right, here's my final decision." "You will have a final decision by tomorrow morning." "Have both plans ready to go." "Now, I need to get on the phone with the Israeli prime minister and then the president of France, okay?" "They may give me some insight into this." "Ma'am, instead of that, I got an idea." "You can clear your head out and have a little fun at the same time." " What?" " Yeah, I'll call Jonah and Dan and you can tear them a six-pack of new assholes." " Oh, that does sound like fun." "Okay." " Yeah." "But when your husband of 47 years asks you on his deathbed..." "Dan,you'reon withthe president." "Dan, I cannot fucking believe how terrible you are at your job." "What, are you running on a platform of higher taxes and episiotomies?" "Ma'am, we just... we need a little time." "Put that world's tallest pile of garbage on the phone right now." "It's the president." "Fuck..." " Hello, ma'am." " Hey, hunchback." "I don't know what you've been doing instead of trying to win, but I'm gonna guess that it has the word anal in it." "Now, you learn to control your cocksucking temper, otherwise I'm gonna come up there myself and I'm gonna shoot you in your fucking mouth." " She hung up." " Fuck her." "You know, Selina Meyer is a second-rate mediocrity whose only achievement is single-handedly tanking the economy." "But somehow we're the losers doing anal with each other?" "Her entire presidency has been one disgrace after another." " She has never respected me." " And I'm bad at my fucking job?" " Fuck!" " You know what?" "That's bullshit." " You're doing a good job." " Oh, fuck off." "No, this glasses shit, that was dope." "These look great." "That was a great idea." "Go fuck yourself." "And I promise I won't let anyone get away with wasting your hard-earned money." "Thank you." "Thank you so much." "Thank you." "I want you to go out there and I want you to kick some New Hampshire ass." "Yo, Granite State." "Hey, how you feeling?" "I see that Mayor Block isn't here tonight." "Guess he couldn't get a babysitter." "Or could he?" "You suck!" "Go back to Washington." "I took the liberty of arranging some hecklers." " No charge." " But, yes, I was in Washington." "And I worked a very high-level, important job." "You helped Selina Meyer screw up this country." "I think she did a fine job screwing up the country all by herself." "No, I'm serious." "This is so much more beautiful to watch than the birth of my child." "Right, she single-handedly destroyed the economy, but she doesn't care because she's too busy cuddling up to her billionaire boyfriend." "And I don't know about you, but my boyfriend's not a billionaire." "Her whole presidency has been one disgrace after another and I don't know if you're sick of it," " but I am definitely sick of it..." " Yes." "...and I'm not just gonna sit here and take it anymore." "What the fuck?" "My name is Jonah Ryan and I want to be your congressman." "And I won't back down." "Thank you." "Thank you very much, Granite State." "You feeling me?" "Thank you." "Thank you." " Mike!" "Mike!" " Wayne." "When will we hear which banks are gonna get bailout money?" "No one is using the term bailout money except for you, Wayne." "The details for the plan will be revealed later today." "Leon." "Can you confirm the allegation of the firing of three people from the comms office is tied to See-you-next-Tuesday-gate?" "That sort of coarse language is far beneath the dignity of this room." " And also it's not a gate." " Oh, it's a gate." " No, it is not a gate." " It's very much a gate." "You know what?" "We're gonna elevate the conversation, go to my friend here at "The New York Times."" "Mike, the "Politico" sidebar suggested that there was one staffer who called the president the worst thing you can call a woman." " Why were three people fired?" " Okay, that about wraps it up." "Thank you all." "No further questions." "Enjoy your evening." "Ben, this is real." "The whole room was sniffing around Cuntgate." " It's not a gate, Mike." " No kidding!" "It isn't a gate." "I agree." "I said that." "She's becoming seriously unhinged." "She has gone full metal Nixon." "Who do you think said it?" "Well, we did." "Me and Mike." " Oh, my God." "I thought it was me." " No way." "No, I'm pretty sure I called her a cunt to the reporter who broke the story." "Amy, it's probable that your investigation has already determined that I was the one that called her a cunt." "I'm hoping that my utility to the organization gives you reason to protect me on this." "Also our friendship." " Hey, Ben?" "Gary." "It was me." "I called the president the C word." " No, you didn't." " Really?" "I was so mad about her not wearing sunscreen, which is stupid, and I was like," ""What an old crone."" "A what?" "An old crone, Amy." "Gary, C is for cunt." "What?" "We all called her a cunt." "Oh, my God!" "What is wrong with you people?" "Oh, Madam President." "Welcome." "I've made my final decision." "I'm gonna bail out Charlie." "Madam President, you really don't have to make that decision yet." " I mean, you got a little bit more time." " I don't need more time." "It's best for our country's economy." "That's the end of it." "So you're gonna go talk to Treasury," "I'm gonna go tell Tom." "Done." "Okay?" " Right?" " Yes, ma'am." "Hey, ma'am, I know you made the right choice with Charlie because when you have found someone you love, who makes you feel special every time he talks to you and you can be happy just thinking about him, you know..." "I mean, that's more important than anything, you know?" "Yeah." " Good morning." " Morning, ma'am." "Madam President." "What brings you here?" "Let's do this." "Madam President, what will you be buying for Mr. Baird?" "I don't want to spoil Charlie's surprise under the tree... but I'm going to be purchasing a book of poetry by one of my favorite African-American poets, Wanda Coleman." "And I've got my eye on a graphic novel with a very strong female Asian protagonist." "So, merry Chris... happy holidays to everybody, right?" " Right." " And let's go shopping." "Thank you." "Please don't get me a book for Christmas." "I already have a book." "It's Tom James." "I should actually take this." "No, no, that wasn't supposed to come now." "Hey, ma'am." "Catherine keeps calling." " Do you want to take it?" " Uh, what?" " No, just let it ring." " Okay." "I don't know why she keeps calling." "When were you gonna let me know?" " I..." " I'm Chapter 11." "Janders is buying my assets." "I'm CEO of a fucking yard sale." " Hey, Charlie, you know what?" " How could you fucking do this to me?" " What do you mean?" " "Politico" was right about you." " No, Charlie..." " Hey, you said it wouldn't affect..." "I know you had an eye job." "You made the right call on the banks, ma'am." "Well, you can thank "When Gary Met Sally" for that one." "He gave me some sappy speech and made me realize what an idiot I was being." "In further good news, ma'am, Jonah had a huge polling bump since he hit on the strategy of attacking you." "What?" "He's attacking me?" "Yeah, and the voters, they love it." " Is that good?" " It's really good." "Oh." "Hey, Sue, did Charlie call?" " No, ma'am." " Okay." "Mom, there's something that I really need to find a way to say to you." "Catherine, I'm in the middle of a shitstorm like..." "Please, I've been trying to talk to you for three days and I need to tell you something." "What is it, Catherine?" "What is it that is so pressing?" "I've met someone and I know that this is awkward because you work with them, but we're in love." "Who?" "Me and Marjorie." "Who?" "Me, ma'am." "What?" "Now you know why I've been acting all silly and giggly." " Hi." " Hi." "We figured you guessed already." "I mean, I know it's so obvious." "Didn't guess." "Didn't guess." " I..." " Amazing." "It's... amazing." "I've told Director Parker" "I'll be resigning from your detail immediately." "Okay, I'm just gonna need a little moment to process all of this, girls." "Of course, ma'am." "But I'm happy for you." " Thank you, ma'am." " Thanks, Mom." " I love you." " Thank you." " Uh..." " What..." "I wish Mother were alive." "'Cause this definitely would have killed her." " You know how she was." " Mm-hmm." " Ma'am, is this a good time?" " You bet." "The investigation continues at a rigorous pace." " So who called me a cunt?" " Uh..." " Was it everybody?" " Pretty much, yeah." "You can go." " Ma'am..." " No." "Okay." "Hi, called ahead for $100 worth of food to go." "Under McLintock." "And I'll be using a Groupon." " We don't take Groupon." " You have to take Groupon." "I already paid money for this Groupon, sir." "No Groupon." "Total is $184.12." "Whoa, I told the guy on the phone $100 worth of food." "Where's this $89 coming from?" "That's your problem, sir." "God." "Shit!" "Oh, my God." "Oh, my God." "No, no, no, no." "I can't stop smiling." "Neither can I." "I'm *"