" Hey hey, it's the monkeys!" " Hi, Daddy." "Yay, Daddy's home!" "How was Chicago?" "What are you saying, I'm cheating on you?" "Is that it?" "She means nothing!" "I missed you." "I miss all that fun stuff." "Daddy, what did you bring us?" "I bring you?" "Um... well, let's see, got something." "I brought you something." "Okay, for Michael... some lovely apricot shampoo." "Ahh." "For Geoffrey- conditioner!" "Mmm." "All imported from the enchanted isle of Marriott." "You having trouble getting your shoes on, Ally?" "Not anymore!" "Ray." "Don't worry, I didn't forget you, my darling." "For Mommy, something as sweet as she is... some fine candies." "Aw, the mints from your pillow." "Yeah." "As part of the hotel's turn-down service." "Well, tonight you're gonna get my turn-down service." "Well, I guess Mommy doesn't want peanuts from the sky." "Hi, everybody!" " Oh, there you are!" " What took you so long?" "Yeah, you're just coming from across the street." "Yeah, well, I got confused and went to where I wished you lived." "All right, they're here." "Let's do this." "Wait wait, what about the other guests?" "What other guests?" "Everyone's here." " Do you have the mortgage?" " Yeah, here we go." "I've been waiting 30 years to do this." " There you go." " There we go." " Ooh." " Ooh." " Yeah." " Yay." "The house is now paid off." "Here's to the wonderful people at Lynbrook Mortgage." "Thanks for the calendars, and you can all kiss my great American ass." "Grandpa, Grandpa." "Oh, oh, sorry, kids." "Don't say ass." "Hey, that was fun." " Yeah!" " Let's have a real party." "Marie, go get our marriage license." "You know, now that the place is all ours," "I can't wait to redecorate and get rid of some of that old stuff." "So long, Frank." "All right, could we eat, please?" " Come on, kids." " Ma, Dad, congratulations." "The house becomes part of your estate which in the old country would be passed down to the firstborn son." "In the old country, you'd be working in the circus." "Monkey suit's coming off." "So, Marie, what happened?" "I thought you were gonna have a big party to celebrate." "It is a party." "I made bruschetta." "Oh, I thought when you said you were having a party that would include..." "I don't know..." "some friends." "Oh, who has time for friends?" "Have a deviled egg, dear." "What do you mean, you don't have time for friends?" "Well, after you and Raymond moved in," "I mean, someone had to help you raise a family, so we just had to give up some things." "Your social life?" "We still have a social life." "Ma, Robert's eating all the deviled eggs, won't give me any." "They don't feed us enough in the circus." "Hey, did my father give Geoffrey some wine today?" "No, why?" "'Cause I was putting him to bed, and he said," ""I love you, man."" "Perhaps you would like some wine." "Hey, listen, you know what your mom told me at that party?" "They don't have any friends." "You sound surprised." "Well, it's kind of sad." "It's kind of sad." "Well, it's not sad for the people who would have to be their friends." "Except we have to be their friends." " That is a little sad." " Yeah." "Look, we're their whole lives!" "It occurred to me that if they had more friends, we'd have less them." "Have you worked out a budget for this?" "All right, break it up." "Oh, what do you want?" "We just saw you." "We just brought you some leftovers." "They don't qualify as leftovers if they're still warm." "Let's watch some highlights." "Frank, you already watched this game." "So I know how good the highlights will be." "Let's not ruin these by talking." "Ahem, so, gosh, Marie, it must feel so liberating" " to own the house now, huh?" " Yeah." "Think of all the things you can do now, like, gosh, you could entertain more." "We just had a party." "What are we, Studio 54?" "No, really, you deserve your own social life." "Especially now that all your house obligations are over, and we seem to be managing." "Now might be the perfect time for you to say, "Hi, neighbor!"" "I got all the friends I need right here." "You see, Debra?" "I would love to start entertaining again, but if we have guests, what am I supposed to do with this?" "Tell them that you lost a bet, and you've got to clean and feed him for another year." "Come on." "We all know that Frank can be a lot of fun." "Hey, you know who else is a lot of fun?" " The Mauers next door." " I like the Mauers." "No can do." " Why not?" " Because I may or may not recently have flipped one of them the bird." "What?" "He was trying to put a piece of garbage in our garbage can." "That's no reason to flip them a bird." "Hey, I can't have the garbage man thinking" "I dye my hair." "Oh, so then all that is natural?" "Hey, you know who's cool?" " The Stipes." " Yes, the Stipes!" " Who?" " You remember... those old..." "nice people that Robert lived with first time he moved out." "If they're still alive, they're very friendly." "I ran into the husband in the hardware store." " He's actually not a jerk." " See?" "It sounds like you guys" " would have a blast together!" " You probably would." "But what are we supposed to do with these Stipes?" "I don't know, you could invite them over for dinner or drinks." "You could play "Guess What I Forgot."" "What about a board game?" "Yes, yes, a board game." "Great idea." "That's a good idea, Debra." "Frank, we're having company." "They better like swearing." "What should we do?" "Should we call them?" "Only as soon as possible." "You know who has their number?" "Robert, who lives in your house right now." "Oh, I have so many menu ideas!" "Yeah, we're all very excited." "Out of the chair, Dad." " Hey." " Come on." " I just wanna watch..." " Well, go outside." "Mom's outside." "You're gonna go play with your new friends!" "Here he comes." "There you go." "Yeah." "I know that dance." "That's the l-wanna- have-sex-with-Ray dance." "And here's my if-you-insist dance." "What are you..." "don't laugh." "Mmm." "This is fun." "This is like a date." "Yeah, except on a date you never got to level two." "Hey, come on." " Come on." "Come on." " Mmm." " Okay." " Hi, dears." "Come on, move over" "You remember the Stipes." "See, Harry, I told you he was home!" "How may we help you?" "Harry is a big fan of your column, and he wouldn't let up until we swung by to say hello." "Hello!" "It's so nice to see you." "Thanks for dropping by." "Hey, Ray, I told Harry you would let him see tomorrow's column today." "You know what I would really like?" "If you told me tomorrow's scores." "Then I could make some bets!" "Ma, what are you doing?" "Why did you bring them here?" "Well, they wanted to see you." "Yeah, but Debra and I, we were... happy." " Just five minutes." " No, Ma, no no." "Why are you making such a big fuss over it?" "Our friends wanted to see you." "I want them to see you." "All right, okay." "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry people like you so much." "I'm sorry that I'm proud of you." "I'm sorry that I raised you to be a nice boy." " Five minutes." " Okay okay." "I'll tell you, Ray, you've got the life." "Sports writer." "You get to go to different places, meet famous athletes." "Well, yeah, there could be worse jobs." " Hey, Ray." " Yeah." "Hey, tell him whom you met the other day." "Come on, Dad." "No no, come on, tell him, it's funny!" "Nothing." "Evander Holyfield sat next to me." " Holy..." " Evander Holyfield!" " My boy and Evander Holyfield!" " Oh my God!" " He's a boxer." " Oh." "Try to keep up." "So, what happened?" "You know, I just..." "I said," ""Hey, how are you doing?"" "He said, "Great." He's a good guy." "He's a good guy." " You talked to him?" "!" " Yeah, sure sure." "You know, like, "Good fight, huh?" That kind of thing." " Yeah." " Yeah yeah." "Wow, that's a terrific story!" " Okay, so..." " Hey, Dad, how about the time I took you to the All-Star Game?" "Yeah, press box!" "Oh, you lucky bastard!" "Our son would love this!" "He's a regular sports nut." "Listen listen, so I'm coming back from the bathroom, and I see my father standing there, and I don't know what I'm thinking, but I sneak up behind him, and I kinda goose him a little." "He turns around..." "I goosed Joe Garagiola!" "Of course, from behind," "I look like Joe Garagiola!" " Ray." " Yeah yeah." "He's a good guy, too." "Joe's a good guy." "Oh, isn't this fun?" "I'm so glad you came over." " Oh, we are, too." " Yeah, us too, us too." "Oh, Chinese here!" "What do we got?" "Hey, Deb, get some forks!" "You know what would be nice?" "Some tea." " I'll make some tea." " I wouldn't mind some tea." "Hey, you know who used to like tea?" "Joe DiMaggio." " No!" " That's right, Mr. Coffee." "And you know who used to like coffee?" "Mr. T." " Hey swizzle." " Hey, don't get comfortable." "The Stipes are over visiting your parents again." "We gotta get out of here in case they decide to drop back over." " What about the kids?" " Robert's babysitting." "Do we have to go?" "I just got home," "I'm tired." "Can we just hide?" "No no no, don't unbutton your shirt." "Stop it, stop it, stop it!" "You don't know that they're definitely gonna come over." "You'd probably love it if they did." "You could do a revival of your one-man show "My Fair Raymond."" "Hey, I was trying to help out." "That's why I got stuck there." " And where did you disappear to anyway?" " I was in bed!" "It was midnight!" "You don't even have an intermission!" "What do you..." "do you think I like that?" "Come on!" "Those Stipes smell like the attic." "Hey, where's the candy?" "The kids want some candy." "The kids know they're not supposed" " to have candy at night." " Okay." "I want candy." "It's on top of the fridge, Robert." "Come on, come on, button up, we gotta get going!" " We'll call you from the restaurant." " Hey, Ray, how come you're not going over to see your new best friends the Stipes, huh?" "Mom was just going on and on about how they loved your stories." " See, Ray?" " I was being polite!" "You know they were my friends first." "They would have loved my stories, too." "I just happened to be in the sitz bath when they came over." "All right." "Robert, we won't be late." " Come on, we gotta go." " I'm not hungry." "I had banana splits at the office." "You get banana splits at the office?" "We'll just have appetizers, all right?" "What?" "What?" " There he is!" " Where have you been?" "Don't get sucked in." "We're going out, you understand?" " Hi!" " There he is, the man of the hour!" "Did you get a haircut?" "No, I just combed it today." "There he goes." "Raymond, I want you to meet our son Seth." " Ray Barone." "Finally we meet." " Hey, how are you doing?" " I'm a big fan of yours." " Thank you." "We have very similar writing styles." " Seth's a sports writer too." " Oh." "Well, mostly in internet chat rooms, and I call in to all the sports radio shows," "You probably heard me..." "Seth from Massapequa." "Oh, yeah." "Great, man, that's great." "Good for you." " Listen, we were on our way out, right?" " Yes." "Wait wait wait, where are you going?" "We're just going out to dinner." "You guys make yourselves at home." "Marie knows where everything is." "She put it there." "I read your column today." "Great, just great." "Harry says you're better than Lupica." " Oh." " Thank you, thank you." " I love your baseball stuff." " Thanks." "Except you could be a little more objective about the Mets." " What?" " Ray." "Ray." "You seem to have a real axe to grind there." "Well... you understand that they pay me to write my opinions, not to be objective." "You know, I find that in sports writing if you pull your punches, you're gonna end up the one getting hit." "Oh." "Now that's a pro, son." "That's why you're still on that internet." "Hey, I bow to the master." "Okay." "Hey, Rita, Harry." "Sorry I missed you last night." "Hey, Rodney!" "So..." "Tell Seth that story you were telling us about the squirrel that ran up your leg at the Kingdome." "Oh, that was so funny!" "Oh, you told them the squirrel story, huh, Ray?" "Isn't that Chuck Wilson's story?" "It's not Chuck Wilson's story." " Yes, it is!" " It's not." "I'll tell you a story." "I was recently gored by a bull... which is about 2000 times larger than a squirrel." "You see, they were having an illegal rodeo..." "Oh, here it is!" "Raymond, would you mind?" " You wanna take my picture?" " Yes." " Okay, yeah." " All right." "Here, Rodney, would you mind getting a picture of all of us?" "Why would I mind?" "Add a little insult to my injury." "I wanna get in on this." "Come on, Frank." "I'm in, but I better sit down, unless you wanna get a shot of my Garagiola." "This is phenomenal." "I'm posting this on my website." " Hey, you got us in focus there?" " I sure do." "Everybody say, "Raymond."" "Raymond!" "Beautiful." " Where's Deb?" " I heard the garage door." " Oh, no." " Oh, Raymond, stay with us." "You can see her anytime." "Hey hey hey, where are you going?" "I'm going to eat." "I would ask you to come along but I see you have a girlfriend, and three boyfriends" " and another girlfriend." " Look, it's okay." "They said I could see other people." " Okay, I'm sorry." " You have a problem." "Give me your keys." "You can't drive in this condition." "Come on." "I don't have a problem." "This can't keep happening." "You have a sick connection to your parents." "You understand?" "Sick!" "All right." "We've already been over that." "You're worse now!" "You don't get enough attention from your parents, so you have to get an extra set?" "You're sick!" "Okay, I won't do it anymore." "I'm sorr..." "Ah!" "What?" "Let's go, we'll sneak out." "We'll go eat." "Hi, dears." " Hi." " What's going on?" "No, nothing." " Everything all right?" " Fine, yeah yeah." "Did you find that AAA booklet you were looking for there, Debra?" "You're sick!" "All right, keep looking." "Listen, I think you and the Stipes should go to your house, maybe, for the rest of the night, 'cause Debra and I made plans to go out and eat." "I know, I know, but couldn't you just spend a few minutes with us?" "You hardly talked to Seth at all." "Ma, I don't even know Seth, okay?" "I don't even know the Stipes." "The Stipes are your friends." "Why don't you just go and be with your friends?" "Because we need you, Raymond." "What do you mean, you need me?" "Why?" "Dad's in there." "He's funny." "No, he's not." "Could you come in for just a few minutes?" "No no no." "Ma, it's enough, please, it's enough." " Okay okay." " Yeah." "It's fine." "I understand." "It's just that I like to see you with them, because I don't get to see you like that anymore." " Like what?" " Well, when you come over to the house now, it's just to eat or watch a game." "It's different to see you excited when you're talking." "I like it." "Okay." "I guess we should all go back inside." "Really?" "Yeah?" "I guess it's okay." "Oh, you're such a good son." "Thank you, honey." "He's coming back!" "Gotta give the people what they want." "A common misconception is that a bull will charge when shown the color red." "Actually, it's motion." "Ray." "Thank God!" "Here, have a seat." "No time for that, Harry." "We gotta go," " we're gonna be late." " Oh, yeah, you're right." " Late for what?" " We're taking your parents to the big senior jamboree at the VFW!" "Wow, senior jamboree!" "That's perfect!" "That's perfect for you, Ma." "You'll have fun!" "You go, you'll have fun." "Go ahead." "You should go too, Ray." " What?" " Yeah, you were just telling your mom that you wanted to spend more time with them." "Yeah, come on with us, Ray." "They're giving free eye tests tonight!" "No!" "No, I mean, we wanted to go out to eat, right?" "But you gotta give the people what they want." "Come on, Ray." "There will be refreshments." " Come on, come on." " How bad is this thing?" "Sounds like a nightmare to me." "I'm not going!" "Bye-bye." "I hope you like dancing, Raymond!" " Chinese?" " Love it!"