"It were always raining in Denley Moor, except on days when it were fine." "And there weren't many of them." "Not if you include drizzle as rain." "And even if it weren't drizzling, it were overcast, and there were a lot of moisture in the air." "You'd come home damp as if it had been raining, even though there hadn't actually been evidence of precipitation in the rain gauge outside the town hall." "And the humidity level on the weather chart was constant for the entire period, despite..." "Black pudding's very black today, Mother." "Yes, it is black today, dear." "Aye, that's very black, that is." "Yes, dear." " Even the white bits are black." " Yes, dear." " It's a very dark pudding today." " Aye." " Like the weather." " Yes, dear." " Very overcast." " Mmm." "Mum." "Yes, Eric." "I don't think I've ever seen black pudding quite as black as that." "Have you?" "That's enough, dear." "Go and get us some coal, will you?" "Oh, righto, Mother." " Mum." " Yes, son." "You know Howard, Howard Molson." "Yes, dear." "He's got a new shovel." "Oh." "It's a lovely shovel." " It's got a great big brass handle." " Oh, good." "You know what he's going to do?" "He's going to put it next to his other one." "Yes, dear." "Look, give our Irenie a call, will you?" " Tell her her tea's ready." " Oh, righto, Mother." "It were always like that at home." " Irene!" "The tea's ready!" " There were never time to discuss things." "As soon as I raised an interesting topic, me mum would always find something else to do, or she'd be too busy." "Sometimes she'd feign death just to avoid talking to me." "It was the same with me dad." "He'd pretend to be French when he came in, hoping I wouldn't talk to him." "Oh, quelle journée au bas de la terre." "Je suis très fatigué demain, Vera." "Oh, yes, dear." "Eh bien, le repas est prêt." " What?" " Your supper's ready." "And our Irene, me sister, she were just downright rude." "Irene, guess who's got a new shovel, then?" "Oh, shut up, you boring little tit." "Irene, taisez-vous." "That's enough, dear." "Well, he's such a short-arsed little creep, he's driving me out of me tree." "Irene!" "Meals were always the same." "Every time I tried to start a conversation, our dad would feign a bilious attack and have to leave the room." "And as soon as they'd finished supper," "Mum and Irene would go for a walk round the cemetery and leave me on me own." "Until one morning, I come down for me breakfast to find a note on the table." "Me mum and dad had run away from home." "They said they couldn't stand it any longer." "They didn't say what." "Maybe it were the damp weather, more prevalent this year than last, admittedly." "Irene had gone, as well." "And they left no address." "They'd even taken the outside toilet." "The rest of that day, despite the likelihood of drizzle from an occluded cold front moving slowly east to cover all areas by lunch time," "I looked for them all over Denley Moor." "Excuse me, have you seen our dad?" " No, no." " Or me mam?" "Oh, dear." "Seen our dad and mam and Irene?" "Mr Ottershaw, seen our dad?" "He's not been round here?" "Oh, dear." "Oh..." "Why?" "Why had they run away?" "Was it something I'd said?" "Or was it just the inevitability of living with an average rainfall of 28.4 inches for the rest of their lives?" "There was only one person I could talk to " "Enid Bag, whose father kept racing vultures up on Scarsdale Road." " Hello, Mrs Bag." " Oh." "Hello, Eric." "Hello, Mr Bag." " Hello, Eric." " Is our Enid in?" "Aye, she's up t'bedroom." " Oh, thank you." "Hey!" "You can't go upstairs to t'bedroom." "I only want to talk to her." " She's got a young man up there." " Oh?" " Who is it?" " I don't know." "Somebody she met." "She's supposed to be walking out with me." "Aye, she is that, and don't you forget it!" "Well, what's our Enid doing up in t'bedroom wi' a fella?" "She's just having a little fling, that's all." "Oh." "Who is it, our mam?" "It's Eric Olthwaite." "Oh." " Can I talk to you, our Enid?" " Yes." "Er, it's very important." "Well, what is it?" "Enid, it's me mam and dad and our Irene." " They've run away from home." " I'm not surprised." " What do you mean?" " Well, they never did like you, did they?" "Didn't they?" "Come on, our Enid, you can't stop there talking all day." "Yes, our mam." "Well, goodbye, Eric." " E...nid." "Aye, he's an ugly one, this Julian." "Call him a racing vulture?" "He's nothing but trouble." "You know, we had Reg and Doreen Molson here t'other day, and Rita had forgotten to shut t'window." "We just got sat round for Sunday joint, and in flaps Julian." "Rips the lamb joint apart and takes off with it." "Of course, Reg Molson, well, you know what a daft bugger he is, he tries to save his portion, you see, and old Julian takes a couple of his fingers off." "What a terrible mess, eh?" "And Doreen, of course, well, she looks like raw meat anyway." " She..." " What did our Enid mean, Mr Bag?" "She said me mam and dad never did like me." "Yeah." "Well, er..." "I suppose you had to find out some day, lad." "Find out what, Mr Bag?" "Well..." "Well, you see, Eric, it... it's like this." "There are some people in life who are... interesting people." "You know, they're good company, fun to be with." "You know, people who when you see them on the street, you say," ""Ah, there's old so-and-so." ""Isn't it grand to see him?"" "People who make you happy." "People who make you feel that..." "well, that life's worth living." "But you're not one of 'em, Eric." " What do you mean, Mr Bag?" " I mean, Eric, you're a boring little tit." "Eric, do you mind if I give you some advice?" "No, I don't suppose so." "Well, you've got to pull yourself together, lad." "You've got to do something." "You've got to make something of your life." "What, you mean buy a new shovel like Howard Molson?" "Forget about Howard Molson's shovel." "It's brand-new." "You won't make yourself more interesting by buying a new shovel." "Even a hundred new shovels." " Hundred?" "That'd be good." " No." "It's what you are yourself that counts." "Now, do you remember what your Uncle Arthur said just before he died?" ""Urgh...urrrgh."" "No, before that." "He said, the one thing you've got to learn is to pull yourself up in this world." "And that's what you've got to do, lad." "Get out there and pull yourself up." "You're the only one who can." "It's up to you, Eric." "OK, Julian..." "It were difficult to accept that I were boring, especially with my interest in rainfall." "But that day, I climbed up on Scanley Tor, and as I looked out over the familiar grey world around me," "I knew he were right." "I had to do something with me life, something that would stretch my capabilities to the limit and make me into a man." "I applied for a job in the bank." "I'm afraid you're far too dull and uninteresting for us, Mr Olthwaite." " Am I?" " Oh, yes, I'm afraid so." " Oh." " To get on in banking nowadays, you have to be hard and ruthless." "Oh, I didn't realise that." "Banking's a cut-throat business in which only the strong will succeed." "Oh, dear." "To get to where I am now," "I have had to tear grown men apart with my bare hands." "Have you really?" "I've had men the size of WG Grace weeping openly in front of me." "Men as tall as Ramsay MacDonald have thrown themselves out of windows and under railway trains and cast themselves into quagmires because of my unyielding and implacable nature." " Oh, I wouldn't like to do that." " No, I can see you're not the kind." "Well, I better go and get a job somewhere else, then." "Yes, I should, if I were you." "That'd be better." "Right!" "Put your hands above your heads." "Both of you." "Stand up." "I am standing up." " Put the keys on the desk." " Oh." " You, open the safe." " Hurry up!" " You won't shoot us, will you?" " Shut up!" "Yes, sir, thank you." " Come on, come on, hurry up." " Can't do it." "Get out the way." " Pick up the bags." " Oh, yes, sir." "If you want any more, there's another safe..." "Shut up!" "Right, out the window." " What, me?" " Yes, move." " Come on, come on." " Oh, right." "Get in the car." " What car?" " That car." " Okay, move." "Quick!" " Yes, sir." "You'll never get away with this, you know." "Shut up." "Come on, get going." "Quick!" "Fast as I can, sir?" " Yeah!" "Get moving!" " Certainly, sir." " Take a right." "Quick." " Certainly, sir." "Reverse and take a left." "Yes, of course, sir." "Where shall I be dropping you, sir?" " Shut up." "Just keep going." " Of course, sir." "Don't I know you, lad?" "Aren't you Jean-Pierre Olthwaite's boy?" "Er, yes, that's right." "You might've seen me down the town hall." "I used to go there every Sunday to read the rain gauge." "Oh, aye." "It's a lovely rain gauge." " Is it?" " Aye." "It's a pity, with such a lovely rain gauge, that Denley Moor has such a comparatively static mean annual rainfall rate." "Oh, aye." "You're the boring one." "Okay, turn left." "Certainly, sir." "Stop here!" "Yes, of course, sir." " Get out the car." " What, me?" " Yes, move." " Oh, righto." "Shall I be waiting for you, sir?" " Do you find me boring?" " Shut up!" " Keep moving!" " All right." "I mean, you would say if you found me boring." "I mean, would you honestly say if you found me boring?" " Keep moving!" " Oh." "Up here?" " Yeah!" " All right." "Because I mean, some people do find me boring." " Me dad and our Irene..." " Go on, you first." "That's why I was going to join the bank!" "So I'd have something interesting to talk about!" "Don't you think, though, don't you think that, you know, if..." "if it were a sort of bank, a small bank, well..." "Move!" "Hey." "Give me those." "You didn't mind me saying that, did you?" "About me being boring?" "What's your name, son?" "Eric." "What's yours?" " Arthur." " Oh." "Hello, Arthur." "No." "I'm afraid it's goodbye, Eric." "What do you mean, Arthur?" "You don't think I can afford to let you go, do you?" "What you going to do, Arthur?" "I'm gonna have to kill you, Eric." "What, completely?" "Well, of course." "It wouldn't be killing you if it weren't completely." "Well, our dad always says as how he'd half kill me." "Goodbye, Eric." "I wouldn't tell anyone anything, honest, Arthur." "You don't think I can take that risk, do you?" "There'd be a fat price on my head, lad." "You'd be a fool not to take it." " I don't want the money, Arthur." " And stop calling me Arthur." "Sorry, Arthur." " I'm not interested in money." " Now, don't look at me while I do it." "Sorry." " Arthur." " What is it?" "Do you think if I had more money, people would find me more interesting?" "Well, of course they would, lad." "You look at the nobs in the big houses with the big bellies and the big cigars." "You don't think people go fawning round them because they like them, do you?" "It's their money they like." "Now, just keep your head still." "Sorry." " Arthur." " Yeah, what?" "You're an interesting person, aren't you?" " What do you mean?" " Well, have you got a lot of money?" "I have now." "No, no." "I meant before that." "Don't talk daft, lad." "The likes of me don't have money." "We have grind and sweat and filthy homes and hungry kids." "We don't have money." "But people don't find you boring, do they?" " What do you mean?" " Well..." "Well, our Irene said I were a boring little tit." "So did me dad." "And Mr Bag." "Oh, you don't want to pay any attention to them." "What do they know?" "Now, keep your head up." "Me mam finds me boring, too." " She what?" " Aye." "She ran away from home just to avoid me." "Your mam?" "Aye, wi' our Irene and me dad." "Oh." "Oh, that's bloody terrible, that is." "No mam's got a right to do a thing like that." "Oh, well, I did used to go on a bit." "No, a mam's place is with her family and her loved ones." "I tell you, Eric, if my mam'd stayed at home," "I wouldn't be doing this now." " Really?" " Oh, aye." "Oh, she were a grand mam, really." "Best you could have." "Oh, mine weren't the best." "Oh, our mam..." "Our mam made toad in the hole like no one else could." "Every Tuesday night, me dad used to get them great big sausages from Hopkinson's." "And she'd make a batter as thick as clotted cream." "And we'd all sit round and we used to call it..." "Mam's special." "Shall we sit down a minute?" "Yeah." "Yeah, let's sit down." "Our mam used to make the blackest black puddings you ever saw." "What?" " Really black, were they?" " Aye." "One day, even the white bits were black." " Even the white bits?" " Even the white bits!" " They were all black." "Well, I never saw a pudding like that." "Oh, it were a grand sight." "Totally black." "Well, I once did see a pudding..." " Aye?" " Well..." " Was it really, Eric?" " Aye." "And what sort of shovel was it?" "It were..." "It were an 'ook shaft," "Spear  Jackson Number 3, with a reinforced brass handle." " Nickel scoop?" " No, no, steel scoop, with copper rim edging." " And Howard Molson got it new?" " Aye, only cost him £4." " But you know what happened, Arthur?" " Don't tell me." "Copper edging came loose on t'scoop!" "No, no." "The handle broke off." "The what?" "Off a Spear  Jackson Number 3?" "Aye, aye." "I don't believe it." "Whereabouts?" "Inside handle grip." "A bit of the brass hadn't been moulded properly into the embrasure, and split had appeared along underside rim." " Well, how long had he had it?" " Only a couple of weeks." "Well, that's incredible." "I've never heard anything like that." "Well, it shows it does happen." "Even with the best shovels." "You know, Eric..." "Oh, it's silly, I know, but... it's nice to sit and talk to somebody about shovels." "Oh, well, it's not me main interest, you know." " No?" " Oh, no." "There's something I'm much more interested in than that." "What's that?" "Rainfall in this area." " That's where I've seen you before." " What?" "Rain gauge in town hall gardens!" " D'you go there?" " Every Sunday!" "That night as we talked excitedly about shovels and precipitation," "Arthur and I decided we had so much in common that we would form a gang dedicated to pursuing our common interests." "Arthur, with his long criminal record, was loath to divulge his name, so we called ourselves the Eric Olthwaite Gang." ""The Eric Olthwaite Gang have struck again" ""from their hideout on the North York Moors." ""Posing as members of the public," ""they entered Cudworth Public Library." ""And while Eric Olthwaite, leader of the self-styled gang..."" "Oh, get off!" ""...daringly engaged the librarian in conversation," ""his colleague removed daily average rainfall records for the last 12 years." ""The Olthwaite Gang is now wanted by police in three counties."" "Mum!" "Mum!" "Mum!" "Have you read about Eric Olthwaite?" "He's wanted by police in three counties!" "Aye." "I don't believe it." "Do you think he wants a moll?" "A mole?" "Who'd want a mole?" "Mucky little things." "Digging up t'garden and leaving great holes in t'park." "No!" "A moll." "Like a gangster's moll." "Oh, don't be daft." "Stop upstairs and have a good time." " Oh, Mum." " Enjoy yourself." "No!" "I'm bored wi' it!" "Now, listen to me, our Enid." "You're only young once." "If you don't have your fling now, you never will." "I promised your father before the accident," "I'd never stopped having it off with nobody so long as they respected you." "Enid!" "Enid!" "I'm bored wi' it, Mum." "I want to go and be with Eric." "Up there on the moors, living life dangerously." " Living life to the full!" " Don't be daft." "Get back upstairs." "I'm off, Mother." "You may never see me again till tonight." "And don't come crying to me that I never let you have it off." "I see Eric Olthwaite's got himself a moll." "Oh, they're bloody pests." "What's he want one of them for?" "No, no." "A gangster's moll, to join his gang." "Oh, aye." "I wish he wanted a bank manager." "It's so boring here." "You think bank manager's boring?" "You want to try being a mayor." "Well, they did ask me." "But I were too small." "I couldn't fulfil all the functions." "Hey, just a minute." "I've had an idea." " What, for the carnival?" " No, no, no." "Come on." "Get your coat on." "I've got me coat on." "We are going to see Eric Olthwaite." "Our gang became feared and notorious throughout the Leeds and Pudsey area." "But the most exciting thing about being on the run was the chance to compare rainfall conditions in various parts of the country." "I didn't really want to go back to Denley Moor." "But, one day, everything suddenly changed." "We got back from a raid to find someone had discovered our hideout." "Come out, or else!" "Eric." "Oh, 'eck!" "We've shot the mayor!" " I now became more famous than ever." "Please, come on." "That's it." "Right..." "Mrs Olthwaite, did he always talk about shovels?" "Oh, yes, he was very keen on shovels." "It was Howard Molson's new shovel that he admired most." "Did he talk about other things?" "You know, we hear he was very keen on rainfall." "Oh, yes." "Rainfall was always a big interest." "Anything else, Mrs Olthwaite?" " Tell 'em about black puddings." " Black pudding?" "Oh, yes." "Black pudding." "Oh, well, he was very interested in the colour of black pudding." "How black they were?" "Oh, yes." "And I remember him saying once, about a black pudding that I were cooking, that even the white bits were black." "In front of Eric's photo, would you, please?" "Thank you." "Smile!" "Can we have another one, Mrs Olthwaite, over here?" "It's raining!" "Raining!" "Mr Olthwaite, can we have a picture of you checking the gauge?" "The car's here, Mr Olthwaite!" "Check the gauge..." "How many shovels has Eric got now?" "I'm sorry, lads." "Why don't you come down to t'town hall and ask him yourself?" "Yes, I was famous in a way I could never have imagined." "Ladies and gentlemen," "I give you a man who has made me the happiest man in the world and who's graciously accepted my offer" " to become the next mayor..." " Ooh." "...of Denley Moor." "My old friend" "Eric Olthwaite!" "The thing I remember most about Denley Moor were that it were always raining." "Except on days when it were fine." "And I remember saying to her," ""Black pudding's very black today, Mother."" " Behave yourself, will you?" " It's so boring!" "It's not." "It's interesting." "And I said..." "# There was a lad from Denley Moor, from Castle Street he came" "# He made this dark town proud again, Eric Olthwaite was his name" "# Oh, he told the world of shovels to be found in Denley Moor" "# Of the rainfall that was static here at 28.4" "# Oh, Eric, Eric Olthwaite, you're the one they're singing for" "# Eric, Eric Olthwaite, the King of Denley Moor" "# Having checked the rainfall average, from the rain gauge he would run" "# To see Howard Molson put his shovel next to the other one" "# Oh, Eric, Eric Olthwaite, you're the one they're singing for" "# Eric, Eric Olthwaite, the King of Denley Moor" "# Oh, Eric, Eric Olthwaite, you're the one they're singing for" "# Eric, Eric Olthwaite, the King of Denley Moor #"