""The elephant teacher smiled at the zebra." "'Of course you can come into my jungle classroom,' she said." "And that's how the zebra learned to read."" "All right." "Your water's here." "Mr. Bear's water is here." "Your clothes are laid out for the entire week." "No judgement ... my love is unconditional." "What do you say, little man?" "Should we go to sleep?" "Can I have another foot rub?" " That's enough stalling." " What's "stalling"?" " Uh... how do you explain stalling?" " He knows what stalling is." " I forget again." " Let's close our eyes and go to sleep." " I'm gonna count down from 10." " Ooh, count down from 500." "500... 499... 498... 497..." "He's getting better." "That was pretty quick." " Sweetie, he's made you his bitch." " I'm pretty sure I did it to myself." "Hey." "First one to the living room gets to pick the show." "Hey!" "Stop it!" "No." "Shh!" "I think I heard something." " Sucker!" " Hey!" "That's not fair!" "1x02" " Cold File" "Okay, whoever eats their fruit is my favorite child." " There you go, man." " Uh, hey, Dad." "I have a hangnail." "Can you, um..." " Oh, I'll get the clippers." " I got it." "I got it." "I got it." "I got it." "I got it." "Okay, on three." " One... two!" "Oh!" " Aah!" "You didn't even make it to three." " You never make it to three." " I didn't make it to three." "Two's... before that." "Oh, hey." "Whose, uh ..." "whose fancy headband's this?" "Those are mine." "Oh!" "Red thong ... so classy." " Dad, can you please do my necklace?" " Oh, I'll do it." "Oh, I got it." "I got it." "I got it." " Dad, what's a thong?" " Oh, it's, uh, underwear for people who don't want panty lines." "Oh, well, why wouldn't you want panty lines?" " 'Cause it's not sexy." " Whoo!" "Sexy time!" "'Cause you guys like to have ..." "And thus ends our morning underwear Q  A." "Right." "Yep." "Of course." " Dad, please just sign my permission slips?" " Yeah." " Oh, I can do it." "Yes." " I got it." "I got it." " You are not a parent." " I know." "Mm-hmm." "When you're done with that, I-I need five bucks." " For what?" " For an investment." " Oh, can I wear my ..." " An investment?" " Can I wear my shin guards to school?" " What are you investing in?" " Investment stuff." " Can I wear my ..." "Anybody needs me, I'll just..." " Can I wear..." " just give me a shout." " Text me." "Tweet me." " I-I actually smelled you making that up." " I will." "I will." " Put them on." " There's a fire." " Help me." " I want seven back in a week." " Look, there's an eagle!" " Can I wear my shin guards to school?" "Okay." "Hey." "Ooh!" "All right ... shower police!" "Ma'am, you want to step inside?" "The word is, you haven't been washing your boobs very well." "No, I'm not here for shower police." "Had to give it a try ..." "miss 100% of the shots you never take." " What's up?" " Just feeling a little un-needed lately." "Well, the shower police need you." " By the kids." " I see." "We're having a real conversation about real things." "What's up?" "You know, I've been living here for almost a year and I just feel like I'm..." "more of a roommate than a parent." "Like some weird craigslist roommate that everyone politely ignores." "Oh, that's not true." "Hillary's rude to you sometimes." "I just feel like you just do everything and then there's nothing left for me to do." "Why should you have to deal with my stuff?" "It's my job." "I'm their Dad." "I'm the crap-master." "But I could be assistant crap-master." "You want more crap?" "I'll give you more crap." "Yes." "All I want is more crap." "All right!" "Killer bees, huddle up." "Bring it in!" "Bring it in!" "Lot of good stuff today." "Great spirit." " Yeah!" " Yeah!" "You guys ..." "you guys love to cheer." "Uh, couple of things to think about ... in general, let's ..." "let's make it a goal to not sit down as much during a scrimmage." " Yay!" " Yay!" "Also, uh, go to the bathroom ... very important ..." "before practice, okay?" "And, Ian, if you do need to go during practice, just, please, leave the field, okay?" "Coach Duane, anything you want to add?" "I think my wife is having an affair with my brother." " Yay!" " Yay!" "All right." "Uh, bring it in." "Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz!" "All right." "Hey, uh, maybe a little less sharing with the kids." "Look at you ... doing stuff." " Yeah." "It's exciting, right?" " Yeah." "You know, half these kids can't eat peanuts, and the other half only eat peanuts, so, one wrong bite, half the team dies." "Oh, it's just orange slices and water." "W-well, there's one kid who can't have oranges." "His parents have some issues with Florida." "And that kid with the shorty-shorts can't have any water, 'cause he's overhydrated." "Hey, Pete?" "Stay strong, man." " Yeah?" " Come here." " What's up?" " Can you keep Bert tonight?" "'Cause my Tai Chi class is doing a pub crawl." "Uh, I could, but I got a client dinner." "I'm not gonna be back until way after his bedtime." " Pete..." " I can put him to bed." "I saw that look." " I can't even have a look?" " Come on." "I can do it." "I mean, I've seen Pete put him to bed a thousand times." "I've been to the ATM like a thousand times." "Doesn't mean I have a clue what's in my bank account." "I think one of us should stay home." "Is it gonna be you or is it gonna be me?" "Is it an important client?" "Ooh ..." "Is it gonna affect my alimony?" "Jackie, Kate's right." "She wants to do it, she can do it." "What was that look?" "That was a weird look." "From now on, new rule ... everyone says everything out loud." "Warren, I want to watch TV, okay?" "Move your feet." " Hey!" "No eating on the couch!" " When Mom's not here, I eat where I want." " Now move your gross feet." " Gross feet?" "That was very mean." " Apologize to my feet." " Never." "Okay, then I'm just gonna have to take your snacks." "Feet!" "Confiscate snacks!" "Foot snacks!" "Jerk, get your feet off my salsa!" "Oh, my god." " What's up, studly?" " Dad, uh... me and Hillary spilled salsa on Mom's white couch." "Ooh!" "Ooh-ooh-ooh!" "What do we do?" "Dad?" "Be serious, okay?" "What are we supposed to do?" "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." "You're calling your father for advice." "Here's my advice ..." "run away." "Hello?" "Poor kids." "We're screwed." "Mom loves to punish us in those twisted ways." "I know ... a-and remember that one time I wouldn't stop picking my nose and so she ... she put that dog cone collar on me?" "She cannot find out about this." "Wait." "Wait." "She won't!" "Oh, my god!" " Oh!" "Check it!" " Genius." "Okay, as long as we keep a united front, we'll be fine." "Hey, guys." " Hey, Mom!" " How was your day?" "It was great." "Hey, Hillary." "Let's get out of here." " Bye, Mom!" " Bye, Mom!" ""I'm not afraid of your breath, and he gave the dragon a kiss." "And that's how the dragon learned to love."" "Okeydokey." "We've got your water ... check." "Mr. Bear's water ... check." "I see you've made some changes to your wardrobe for the week, which I totally respect." "And now it's time to close your eyes and go to sleep." " And I'll count you down from 10." " How about from a billion?" " I don't know how to count that high." " How about from a million?" "Okay." "A million..." "Hi." " Bert?" " Hi!" "Are we playing a game?" "No." " I'm still awake." " Why?" "Hey, guys." "Snack's ready." " Just act cool." " I always do." "Oh, Mom, you look ravishing." "Oh." "Why, thank you, sweetheart." "Okay, guys, dig in." "I made quesadillas." "Okay." "Any other topping suggestions?" " S-sour ... sour cream." " Chocolate." " Relish." " Uh, mustard?" "Relish." "I was thinking of something just a little more picante." "I know ... how about some salsa?" " Oh, yeah." "Salsa ... right." " Salsa." "We haven't had salsa in a while." "Right, Hil?" "That's right, Warren." "Aah." "New bottle." "Dig." " All right." " Oh!" "I almost forgot ... napkins, just in case one of us spills the salsa." "Right." "She knows." "She never talks this much about salsa." "Maybe she talks about salsa all the time," " but we're just noticing it now." " What?" "!" "Hey, dig in guys." "The salsa is what makes it so good." "It's been three hours." "We're buddies, right?" " I like you!" " Okay, good." "I like you, too." "Now can you just please tell me, Berto." "What can I do?" " Sometimes I like "This little piggy."" " Great." "Perfect." "This little piggy went to market." "And this little piggy stayed home." "And this little piggy..." "went to Pilates." "And this little piggy was like, "Bert, go to sleep!"" "That was all wrong." "I'm even more awake now." "I'll tell you what." "Tonight, you're gonna fall asleep like I did when I was your age." "I never get to watch TV in bed!" "I know." "It'll be our little secret, okay?" " Let's Pinky swear!" " I like the way you roll." "All right." "Temperatures in the south will be dropping by tomorrow night." "In sports, Los Angeles beat San Francisco to stay alive in the chase for the west, and Seattle lost to Texas despite Hernandez going eight innings..." "That's all for the nightly news at 11." "From our family to yours, good night." "Tonight, on "Cold File"..." "Mark Styman was abrilliantsurgeon, but this surgeon had a secret." "Dr. Mark Styman liked to steal uteruses." "Hey, buddy." "All right, time to get up." " The killer bees need their goalie." " I'm an all-star." "Okay, right ..." "everybody's an all-star." "Up." "Come on." "Oh, I'm tired." "I slept bad." "Shh!" "No, you didn't." "Don't say that... to your Dad." "Kate, could a doctor steal my uterus?" "Steal your uterus?" "What are you talking about?" "I saw it on "Cold File" last night after you fell asleep." "Ooh, boy." "Okay, listen, let's just keep it between us" " with a Pinky swear?" " Okay." "Okay." "Good." "Hey, Bert!" "We gotta go!" "Hey." "Just this once, you can have a sip of my coffee." " It'll wake you up." " Thanks." "I feel better already." "Oh, Bert." "Okay." "One last Pinky swear." " Hey, Bert!" "Let's go!" "Let's go!" " Yeah, he's coming." "You know how kids get sometimes in the morning." "I was thinking about what you said yesterday about wanting to be more involved." "You got Bert to sleep last night." "I think you're ready for your next challenge." "How would you like to assistant coach the losingest team in league history?" "Oh, Pete." "I think I'm already doing so m..." "Don't worry." "You're gonna hate it." "What happened to coach Duane?" "Uh, he had a nervous breakdown." "All right!" "Let's do this!" "Someone got a good night's sleep." "Yep." "Let's go." "Ah, come dance with me, guys!" "Come on, Hil!" "Come on." "All right, get ready to move your hips." "Mm!" "What is this music?" "It's called..." "Salsa." "Oh, my god." "Warren." "How did it go with Bert last night?" " Did he say anything?" " Nope." " Oh, it went great." " Oh, good." "I'm so hung over." " Those Tai Chi ladies are surprisingly violent drinkers." " Oh." "Bring it in!" "Bring it in, bees!" "Got to go ... new coach." " Oh, yeah?" "Oh, good luck." " Oh, thanks." "Hey, you know, I coached the Zebras two years ago." " It was a mess." "They kept kicking it out to the refs." " Great." "You know what they say about husband/wife coaching teams." "Gather 'round, gather 'round, huddle up." "Special day ..." "I want to introduce you to coach Kate" "She lives in our house!" "She's gonna be helping us while coach Duane gets the help that he so desperately needs." "Hi, guys." "I'm super excited to be here." "I-I love soccer," " and I love playing with little boys." " Bert." "And... playing with little girls... as well." "Guys, let's give her a big bees welcome." "I'm the Sun!" " Bert?" " I'm the Moon!" "I'm Christmas!" "Bert, you want to ..." "you want to bring it in?" " He's excited." " Rein it down a little bit." "Okay, uh, like I was saying ... coach Kate is gonna be a valuable addition." "Pair up, get a ball." " Will you check on Bert?" "He seems a little weird." " Yeah." "No, no ... probably just excited that I'm coaching." " Okay." " I got it." "Hey, Bert." "Hey, Bert." "Hey!" "Get over here." "Get over here." "Come here." "Okay, listen ..." "I need you to tone it down a notch." "I can taste my teeth!" "Okay." "Shh!" "Don't say that." "Okay, that's ..." "that's great." "Just walk." "Yes, ma'am." "Why did you and Mom need to have a private conversation?" "She said if I was going to..." "to pee in her bathroom," " that I had to sit down." " She's getting to me." "Okay, she's getting inside my head!" "Maybe I should just confess." "No, don't ..." "look, united front." "We're gonna be at Dad's tomorrow." "You can make it until then." "Hillary, I need to speak to you privately." "Coming, mother." "Remember, you ..." " you're trying to keep them out of there." " Oh, man." " Pick up." " It's your house." "Nobody comes in." "Hey, bud, you want to try some standing up?" " I need coffee." " Ha!" "Next thing you know, he'll be asking for the Wall Street Journal and a cheese Danish." "Hey, what's going on with the Bertster?" "I don't know." "Did he eat something weird last night?" "No, guys, I think he's fine." "You know, let's ..." "let's get up, Bert, and show 'em what you got, all right?" "Come on." "Here we go." "Up you go." "On your feet." " You got it, bud." "Get up, bud." " You ready?" "Here we go." "You got it, buddy." "Ready?" "Ready?" "Here we go." "Yeah!" "There's my all-star!" "All right, you ready for another one?" "Now, pick up the energy." "Pick up the energy." "Hands up!" "Let's go!" "Let's go!" "Let's go!" "Hands up!" "Let's go!" "Let's go!" "Ow!" "My uterus!" " My ... my baby." " Oh, my god." "He blocked it!" "Oh, Bert." "You guys, I feel terrible." "I am so sorry." "Yeah, "sorry" isn't gonna reduce the swelling in my son's testicle." "You act like you know everything, Kate, and you don't know anything." "You know nothing about..." "anything." " So, I'm gonna tell you something ..." " Jackie, Kate knows that she screwed up." "Yeah ... no ... you screwed up." "You ..." "I hope you can still be a grandpa after all of Bert's... this." "I think Bert's "this" will be fine." "I just wanted to do something to help, you know?" "I just wanted to be part of the family, and Pete gave me the chance, and I just ..." "I blew it." "Yeah, you did, like..." ""No!"" " Yeah ... real bad." " You know what?" "I am just ..." "I'm gonna go to the cafeteria and get something." " Do you want anything?" " Oh, you know what?" "I bet that Bert would just love a triple espresso." "You know, I have said it once, and I will say it again ... aside from me, I do not understand your taste in women." "I think you need to cut her some slack." "You remember when we got married?" "Barely." "That open bar was fantastic." "You remember how hard Diane was on you?" "You're acting like Diane." "What?" "Like smart, no-nonsense, very accomplished?" "Oh, I get it." "N-no, I mean, y-y-you're being hard on Kate." "She's ... she's really trying." "She loves our little guy." "Mr. And Mrs. Harrison, you can see your son now." "We don't have a son." "Oh, honest mistake." "Mr. And Mrs. Harrison, Bert is fine." "You can see him now." " Great." "Yes!" " Do ... give him a tip." "Hey, have you guys seen my phone?" " No." " Warren!" "Please tell me you did this." "Oh, yeah, I did that, 'cause I'm crazy." "No!" "Oh, hey, guys." "Do you want to watch a movie?" "I have rented "La Bamba."" "Okay!" "That's enough!" "Please, stop, okay?" "Why can't you just punish us like a normal parent?" "I wanted to tell you the whole time, I swear!" "Normal parents don't get results." " Are you ever going to eat on the sofa again?" " No!" " No!" " Are you ever going to hide anything from me again?" " No!" " No!" " Do you love me the most?" " No!" " Yes!" "I ..." "Sorry, I got caught up in all the NOs." " Yes, of course I love you the most." " Okay." " Give your Mom a hug." " Aww!" "You can ... go on in." "Oh, it's okay, Jackie." "I don't need to go in." "Look, I know I got mad today." "But deep down here, in my Jackie heart," "I know that it's not easy being a new stepmom." "I guess what I'm saying, Kate, is, we're kind of the same, right?" "Free spirits ..." "the souls of birds in people bodies." "Oh, yeah." "Well, t-thanks, Jackie." "That's really sweet." "But you don't need to let me go in." "It's okay." "Yeah, well, I'm not... letting you do anything, 'cause he wants you." " He does?" " Yeah." "Oh." "Okay." "Great." "Well, then..." "Can you just ..." "I'm ..." "I'll just go in then." "All right." " Kate!" " Hey, buddy!" "Oh, I'm so sorry... about that." "I'm sorry I broke the Pinky swear." "Oh, apology accepted." "I'm more sorry." "Actually, he invited you here for a very special reason." "Will you do the piggies?" " My piggies?" " Yes!" "Of course!" "This little piggy went to the market." "This little piggy stayed home." "This little piggy went to the Hamptons." "And this little piggy was, like, totally jealous." "And this little piggy was like," ""I don't care." "I'm gonna go get a tongue piercing."" "It's still so wrong." "And I want to apologize to you, because, um, you know," "I should have told you that I was messing everything up." "That's all right ..." "just, in the future, let's not keep things from each other, okay?" "That's what my ex-wives are for." "Oh, Kate, it turns out I didn't hurt my uterus at all." "That's because you don't have a uterus." " Remember, buddy?" "Girls do." " So... what's in my butt?" " Butt stuff." " Uh-huh." "Well, actually, there's a lot of things in your butt." " You know, if you think about it..." " Butt stuff." "Butt stuff." "Yeah." "Excuse me, sir?" "!" "Shower police?" "We got a report there's a man fitting your sexy description who's been hanging out in this shower." "I'd like to come in and investigate." "Okay!" "Kate!" "I need some orange juice!" "Not now, buddy!" " Honey, he needs me." "Isn't that great?" " But I've been bad." "I've been ..." "I've been..." "I'm bad." "I'm very bad!" "I'll be back." "I'll be right back." "Never gonna happen."