"Today, sir, I thought we might begin the day with an aspirin... preventative medicine being so much the mode." "It's too late, Geoffrey." "I already have a headache... just anticipating that infernal hammering at the office." "I thought the workmen were supposed be done by yesterday." "Shockingly enough, Vivian, they're behind schedule." "Dad, it's so obvious." "If all that hammering is bothering you, just tell them to quit it." "I don't even want to talk about it." "These are the only moments of peace and quiet I'll have all day." "Another aspirin, sir?" "Perhaps a gun." "What the devil is he doing up there?" "I Got The Power by Snap." "Snap is a great band." "When Crackle and Pop cut a disc, then call me." " What's so funny?" " Carlton told a joke." "No, Hilary." "Carlton is a joke." "Mommy, who's gonna take me to my tennis lesson after school today?" "Are you sure it's tennis today?" "Maybe you'd better check your schedule." "Schedule?" "My parents bought me this calendar so I could keep my lessons straight." "Didn't you have a schedule for after school at my age?" "Yeah, the TV Guide." "See, Monday is for ballet, Tuesday is riding, Wednesday is violin." "I thought today was violin, sweetie pie." "You mean Ashley would have shown up for her violin lesson in her tennis outfit?" "I just pictured it." "I'm two for two." "I'm going to quit while I'm ahead." "May I suggest retirement?" "Keep them coming, Will." "So, Mommy, who's going to drive me?" "There's a growing pollution problem in this city, and I will not contribute to it." "I absolutely refuse to drive anybody anywhere... until a responsible car pool is organized." "But, Hilary, Ashley is in a car pool." "I just don't want to do it, okay?" "I have an idea." "Will, you don't have any chores this afternoon." "You can drive Ashley." "Word up." "Kick over the keys to the Jag." " The Benzito?" " The station wagon." "Come on, you're gonna ruin my rep." "You're only 17." "You don't have a rep yet." "You'll drive her to her class, wait for her there, and bring her home." "Come on, I got to sit through a hour of them scratchy violins?" "You might learn something." "The same thing I learned from banging my head against a pole:" "Don't do it again." "This is your new job." "Wednesdays you are Ashley's driver." "Understood?" "Yes'm." "I'll be more than happy to drive you to the Piggly Wiggly, Miss Daisy." "I'm sorry." "Ladies, hold it." "Wait a minute." "Let's try something different." "Everybody just repeat after me, okay?" "Come, girls!" "You are late." "Now let's begin with the piece you were to memorize... from Stravinsky's Violin Concerto in D minor." "And remember, you are playing this... for a woman who was the great Stravinsky's lover." "One, two, three, four." "Faster!" "Stop!" "You, there." "What you do here?" "I'm Ashley's cousin." "I was just waiting to drive her home." "You make me kind of nervous with that stick, lady." "You dare to read while great Stravinsky is played?" "I wasn't as tight with the man as you were." "Do not attempt to make joke with me." "I was lover of both Laurel and Hardy." "Guess that look really works for you then." "Hey, Ash, that was decent to listen to that kind of music... without having to see Freddy Krueger kill somebody." " I'm glad somebody enjoys it." " What, don't you?" "Not yet, but when I'm older, it will be very useful to me." "No, wait." "That's tennis." " Who told you that?" " My dad." "Just because your dad likes something, doesn't mean you have to like it." "He likes being a lawyer." "You don't have to be a lawyer." "I am going to be a lawyer." "Ash, the world does not need another Philip Banks." "We might not have enough farmland to support the one we have." "No, the world needs an Ashley Banks." "Girls, you must remember to practice more, no?" "Violin is very jealous, much like the sexy Toscanini." "If you even look at another, it will not speak to you for days." "But if you give all of yourselves, it will fulfill your every need... and set your very soul on fire." "What does she mean by that?" "Let's just say that lady expects a lot from a piece of wood and some strings." " Your aspirin, sir." " Thank you, Geoffrey." "Do you attribute your headaches, sir... solely to the ongoing construction in your office... or do you suppose there might be a stress factor involved?" "This is how my day went, Geoffrey." "At 9:00, they were pounding." "At 10:00, they were jackhammering." "By noon, a pneumatic drill came into play." "And, Geoffrey, they were just repainting the office." "I'd say that's cause for stress." "Wouldn't you?" "You know, sir, the Earl of Cranbrook... to whom I was in service for several years... suffered from the most severe headaches." "And you're saying these were caused by some sort of stress?" "I should very much doubt it." "He spent his days riding to the hounds, and his evenings... attending rather pleasant dinner parties with his delightful wife, Lady Celia." "Now, she was a terribly good snooker player, one of the best." " One night, she bet..." " Geoffrey." "Where does the stress come in?" "It certainly doesn't in Lord Cranbrook's case." "I never saw a calmer household." "Then what was the point of the story?" "Sheer entertainment, sir." "What the devil was that?" "I believe the technical term is a "rim shot."" "Who did it?" "Utter speculation, of course, but my guess is Master William." "Ashley, honey... where is your violin?" " Big Sal has it." " Big Sal?" "He owns this great store where you don't need any money." "You just go in and give him something you don't even want anymore..." " and he gives you this ticket." "Then..." " A pawnshop?" " You took her to a pawnshop?" " Yeah, it was really hard, too." "You don't have many pawnshops in Bel-Air." "That's really a shame." " I had to go all the way to East LA." " East LA?" " They gave me a great deal." " They gave you a set of drums." "And..." "I made them throw in a little gift for each of you." "Close your eyes." " Vivian!" " I want my present." "Okay, open." "What a lovely antique necklace." " What is this?" " Daddy, it's a diamond." "No, it isn't." " You don't like it?" " No, I do not." "Can I have it?" "How dare you pawn her violin!" " She don't even like playing it no more." " She will learn to like it later." "A young woman who can play a violin is an accomplished young lady." "A girlie that can play the drums can write her own ticket." "Will, I want the best for Ashley." "When I was a kid, I loved classical music, but my parents couldn't afford lessons." "I used to stand out in the parking lot of the Philharmonic... hoping to catch a spare note on the night air." "Philip, when I met you, you were into James Brown." " He liked James Brown?" " He even wore his hair like him." "He had hair?" "You know, it is possible to like both classical music and James Brown." "I could not agree more." "So let's let Ashley play whatever she wants." "She spent an entire year on the violin." "So if she wants to try something new, let her." "You tell him, Aunt Viv." " And as for you, young man..." " Love you." "The next time you decide to visit a pawnshop, don't." " Are we clear on that?" " Yes." "Master William, there is a young gentleman downstairs... with a rather large radio who is here to see you." " He claims his name is Jazz." " Yo, word up." "Send him up." " Now, who is this Jazz fellow?" " I heard the boy at a club." "He was all of that." "He will be Ashley's new music teacher." "I mean, he's not as experienced as Madame Chatchka, but then who is?" "Mr. Jazz." "It's nice to meet you, Jazz." "How do you do?" "I'm Mr. Banks." "You got that right." "Man, you're loaded!" "Yo, what's up, J.?" "Come on, let's just leave them alone." " I asked him to take her to her lesson..." " I know, baby." "Tell Mama all about it." "Ash, how about let Jazz get busy one time?" "So, Carlton, how's the soccer scene?" "Well, I may be moving up from JV to Varsity, but..." "Am I the only one who finds this drumming inappropriate for high tea?" "I can't take another week of this." "From morning until night... all I hear is this relentless, pulsating, thumping beat." " I'm going to the Hard Rock Cafe." " Hilary." "Stay." "We are having tea." "It's a civilized way for me to have a conversation with my family... so someone talk." "I want her severely punished!" "It was the only time that Jazz could give her a lesson today." " I wish you would stop calling him that." " But that's his name." "It is not." "It can't be." "These kids like to make up their own names." "Let them." "Okay, fine." "From now on, I'm no longer Philip Banks." "Just call me King Edward IV." "As you wish, Your Majesty." "Humor, sir." "Dad, I'm as liberal as the next guy... but it's time for someone to take the reins." "High tea has been a weekly tradition in our family... for as long as I can remember." "If we let young Will ruin this for us, what's next to go?" "Christmas?" "I can't answer that question for you, son." "Ask your mother." "Come on, you two." "High tea is not a sacred institution." "It's not the tea." "It's not the drums." "It's Ashley." "I've spent nine years trying to raise a proper young lady... and Will is undoing all of my work in a week." " Ashley, honey, come down here!" " What are you doing?" "He's punishing her." "No, Hilary, I just want her to spend some time with her family." "Same thing." "What is all this yelling about downstairs?" "Look, we are trying to give a music lesson upstairs." "Work with me, people, please?" "You've been practicing all afternoon." "Look, that is the only way she's gonna become a star." "This young lady has the drive, the good look, and the intelligence... to get to the top... but she will not be on Yo!" "MTVRaps if you all don't work with me." "Practice is over, Will." "Ashley, honey, it's teatime." "Tea." "Biscuits!" "Geoffrey, put on our teatime music, please." "You'll love this, honey." "It's Brandenburg Concertos." "Jazz, hit me with some sugar, man." " How about a little milk?" " No, I'll get it." "I thought this was sterling." "It's got that certain weight to it." "Yes." "This is my favorite part." "Ashley, honey, this is possibly the most beautiful music ever written." " Would someone turn it up for me, please?" " Jazz, crank it up for me." "Yes." "Listen, darling." "Listen to the violins." "Beautiful." "The oboes will be coming next." "Geoffrey, would you tell Miss Ashley I'd like to speak to her?" "Right away, sir." "Now, I know you're upset, but I want you to stay calm." "I'm calm." "I'm happy." "I'm in control." "You see, Vivian, I had lost control." ""Lost control"?" "You drop-kicked a human being across our front lawn." "It felt good, damn it." "I'm back in the saddle again." "You know, I think living down the street from the Reagans... has had a very bad effect on you." "Will, your uncle just wanted to speak with Ashley." "No, let him stay." "I want him to hear this, too." "I hope this isn't going to be one of those Theo moments." "Ashley, honey, sit down." "Ashley, baby... through no fault of your own... things went down a very wrong path this week." "But luckily, your daddy has put it all back together." "You're going to return to the violin." "I've called Madame Chatchka." "She's agreed to give you a makeup lesson." "You must have caught her on one of her rare free nights." "Will, please?" "We've all lost sight of the most important thing here... and that is what is best for Ashley." "It's not what's best for Ashley." "You're trying to control her." "She's 9 years old, and she's got a calendar... telling her where she's got to be, what she's gotta do." "She doesn't have to worry about that anymore... because now you tell her what to do, right?" "There's only one thing wrong with that:" "You're not her father." "How come you didn't know she doesn't like the violin?" "She liked it for a year before you moved in." "Can you explain that?" " I never liked it, Daddy." " That explains it." "Look, if you ask her, she'll tell you she wants to play the drums." "I don't like the drums, either." "See?" "Now you confused her." "I'm not confused." "I just didn't want to disappoint you, Will." "And I didn't want to disappoint you, Daddy." "Now hold on." "Let's get this straight." "Ashley, you don't have to please Will, and you don't have to please your father." "You just continue with the lessons that you like best." " Do you mean it, Mommy?" " Absolutely, sweetheart." " Then I want to quit ballet." " Ballet?" "Honey, no." "But you look so cute in that little tutu." " I really hate it, Mommy." " But, honey, just until Christmas?" "Do you believe that?" " She wants to quit everything." " I know." "These kids today have no attention span." "I blame television."