"Hello." "My name is Marty DiBergi." "I'm a filmmaker." "I make a lot of commercials." "That dog that chases the covered wagon underneath the sink?" "That was mine." "In 1 966," "I went down to Greenwich Village to a rock club called The Electric Banana." "Don't look for it." "It's not there any more." "But that night, I heard a band that, for me, redefined the word "rock'n'roll"." "I remember being knocked out by their..." "their exuberance, their raw power, and their punctuality." "That band was Britain's now legendary Spinal Tap." "1 7 years and 1 5 albums later, Spinal Tap is still going strong." "And they've earned a place in rock history as one of England's loudest bands." "So in the late fall of 1 982, when I heard that Tap was releasing a new album called Smell The Glove and was planning a tour of the US to promote that album," "I jumped at the chance to make the documentary, the, if you will, rockumentary that you're about to see." "I wanted to capture the sights, the sounds, the smells of a hard-working rock band on the road." "And I got that." "But I got more." "A lot more." "But enough of my yakkin'." "Whaddaya say?" "Let's boogie." "Gives me energy." "Makes me happy." "Heavy metal's deep." "The way they dress, the leather." " Is this La Guardia?" " No, this is JFK." "New York, New York." "Watch its mouth!" "It's like you become one with the guys in the band." "I mean, there's no division." "You just..." "The music just unites people..." "with the players." "Comin' live, direct from hell..." "Spinal Tap!" "You're hot, you take all we've got." "Not a dry seat in the house" "Next day we'll be on our way" " But tonight I'm gonna rock you" " Tonight I'm gonna rock you" " Yeah, tonight I'm gonna rock you" " Tonight I'm gonna rock you" "Tonight!" "We are Spinal Tap from the UK!" "You must be the USA!" "DAVID ST HUBBINS Lead Guitar" "NIGEL TUFNEL Lead Guitar" "DEREK SMALLS Bass" "MICK SHRIMPTON Drums" "VIV SAVAGE Keyboards" "Little girl, it's a great big world but there's only one of" "Me!" "Let's talk about your history." "Nigel, you and David originally started the band back in... when was it, 1 964?" "Before that I was in a group called The Creatures - a skiffle group." "I was in Lovely Lads, and then we looked at each other and said we might as well join up, you know?" "So we became The Originals." "And we had to change our name." "There was another group called The Originals" " and we had to rename ourselves." " The New Originals." " Then they became..." " They changed back to The Regulars, so we could've been The Originals, but what's the point?" "We became The Thames Men at that point." "Stop wastin' my time" ""POP, LOOK  LISTEN" (British TV - 1 965)" "You know what I want" "You know what I need" "Or maybe you don't" "Do I have to come right flat out and tell you everythin'?" "Gimme some money" "Gimme some money" "Your first drummer was..." " The Peeper." " John "Stumpy" Pepys." "Great, great..." "Tall, blond geek with glasses." " Good drummer." " Great look." "Good drummer." " What happened to him?" " He died." "He died in a bizarre gardening accident some years back." "It was one of those things." "It was... the authorities said best leave it, you know, unsolved, really, you know?" " And he was replaced by?" " Stumpy Joe." "Eric "Stumpy Joe" Childs." "And what happened to Stumpy Joe?" "Well, it's not a very pleasant story." " But, er... he died." " He passed on." "He choked on..." "The official explanation was he choked on vomit." " And he passed away." " It was actually someone else's vomit." "There's no real..." "They can't prove whose vomit it was." "They don't have facilities in Scotland Yard." "You can't really dust for vomit." "Here we go." " SoHo, they call this." "SoHo." " So-what?" "OPENING NIGHT PARTY New York City" "How are you?" "!" "Ian..." "Hi, fellas!" "How ya doin'?" "I want you to meet everybody." " Bobbi Flekman." " Who's that?" " Bobbi Flekman." " Who is it?" "With the record company?" "Yes, Bobbi Flekman!" "The hostess with the mostest!" "You know!" "You know!" "Hi, handsome." "How ya doin'?" "I want you to all meet Sir Denis Eton-Hogg." "He's the head of Polymer." "You don't talk so much." "Just smile and look smart." "Denis, come here!" "Come here." "I want you to meet Spinal Tap, our guests of honour." " How very nice to meet you." " This is Sir Denis Eton-Hogg." " This is Nigel." " Thanks a lot for letting us... er..." "Let's go over here and we'll take a picture." "Where's my photographer?" "Come here, honey." "What's your name?" "Christine?" "OK, right over here." "Good!" "Good!" " He's not into Negro music." " No, it's not Negro." "Guys, you look fantastic." "You would never know you're almost 40." "If I looked this good from the stage, too - it's amazing." " I did the bird." " Do the dead bird." "Get the dwarf cannolies." " I did the bird." " Don't talk back." "Mime is money." "Move it!" "Now, we here at Polymer, we're all looking forward to a long and fruitful relationship with Spinal Tap." "We wish them great success on their North American tour." "And so say all of us" " Tap into America!" "Excuse me." "Are you reading Yes, I Can?" " Yeah." "Have you read it?" " Yeah." "By Sammy Davis, Jr?" "Yeah." "You know what the title of that book should be?" "Yes, I Can..." "If Frank Sinatra Says It's OK." "Cos Frank calls the shots for all those guys." "Did you get to the part yet where Sammy's comin' outta The Copa, and it's about three o'clock in the morning, and he sees Frank." "Frank's walkin' down Broadway by himself..." "Fuckin' limeys." "Well, they're not used to that world, and Frank Sinatra." "It's a different world that they're in." "You know, it's just people like this, you know..." "They get all they want, so they don't really understand about a life like Frank's." "You know, when you've loved and lost the way Frank has, then you know what life's about." "The New York Times may do something." "IAN FAITH Manager, Spinal Tap" "When do we get the album released?" "It doesn't matter how good the press is..." "As I explained last night, we're not gonna saturate the New York market." "Now, Philly is a real rock'n'roll town." "The album will be available all through the Philadelphia area." "So you are hitting that market..." "We're certainly..." "I'm doing everything I can." "You know that we're not blaming you." "But these guys have an effect on an audience." "Kids go to their concert, have a great time." "But it's..." "It's a passing thing." "It's, uh..." "I would never tell them this, but this is a... this is a fad." "FIDELITY HALL Philadelphia" "The bigger the cushion, the sweeter the pushin'" "That's what I said" "The looser the waistband, the deeper the quicksand" "Or so I have read" "My baby fits me like a flesh tuxedo" "I'd like to sink her with my pink torpedo" "Big bottom" "Big bottom" "Talk about bum cakes, my girl's got 'em" "Big bottom, drive me out of my mind" "How could I leave this behind?" "I met her on Monday, 'twas my lucky bun day" "You know what I mean" "I love her each weekday, each velvety cheek day" "You know what I mean" "My love gun's loaded and she's in my sights" "Big game is waiting there inside her tights, yeah" "Big bottom" "Big bottom" "Talk about mud flaps, my girl's got 'em" "Big bottom, drive me out of my mind" "How could I leave this behind?" "Let's talk about your reviews, regarding Intravenus de Milo." ""This tasteless cover is a good indication of the lack of musical invention within."" ""The musical growth rate of this band cannot even be charted."" ""They're treading water in a sea of retarded sexuality and bad poetry."" "That's nit-picking." "The Gospel According To Spinal Tap." ""This pretentious, ponderous collection of religious rock psalms is enough to prompt the question, what day did the Lord create Spinal Tap, and couldn't he have rested on that day, too?"" "I never heard that one." "That's a good one." "The review on Shark Sandwich, which was merely a two-word review, just said:" ""Shit sandwich."" " Where did that appear?" " That's not real, is it?" "RECORDING INDUSTRY CONVENTION Atlanta, Georgia" "All those arguments about touring..." "We belong on tour." "All that stuff about you being too old and being too white..." "What about the album, lan?" "This is beginning to be a refrain here." "There's no way to promote something that doesn't exist." "It's just that they're just experimenting with, er, with new packaging materials." "Experimenting?" "They got monkeys opening it?" "The other thing is that the Boston gig has been cancelled." "I wouldn't worry about it." "It's not a big college town." "You boys got an album coming out or anything?" "Smell The Glove." "It should be out..." " Smell The Glove?" " Smell The Glove, yeah." " Provocative title." " Wait till you see the cover." "Very provocative indeed." "Bobbi, can I tear you away from all this?" " Do you have a drink?" " I don't really need one." "But, um, listen." "I really do have to talk to you a bit about this... lan, just tell me what's on your mind." " The issue of the cover." " Yeah." "Um... we, er, I mean, we feel, and it seems to be fact, that the company's rather down on the cover." "Is that the case?" " Yes." " You can give it to me straight." "Listen... they don't like the cover." " Well, that's straight." " They find it offensive and sexist." "What do you find offensive?" "Ian, you put a greased, naked woman on all fours with a dog collar around her neck and a leash, and a man's arm extended out up to here holding onto the leash and pushing a black glove in her face to sniff it." "You don't find that offensive and sexist?" " This is 1 982!" " That's right, it's 1 982." "We don't have this mentality any more." "You should've seen the cover they wanted to do!" "This is something you have to talk about." " We're not laying down any conditions..." " A sexy cover isn't why an album sells." "You tell me" " The White Album?" "What was that?" "There was nothing on that goddamn cover." "Excuse me." "We'll talk about this after." "Hello?" "Oh, hi, Denis." "Uh-uh." "OK." "Why don't you tell him?" "OK, hold on. lan, it's Eton-Hogg." "He wants to talk to you." " OK." "Thank you, darling." " You're welcome... dear." "Hello?" "Sir Denis!" "Hi." "How are you?" "Oh..." "Fuckin' old poofter!" "But it's really not that offensive, Sir Denis!" "Come on!" "OK." "I'll call you absolutely first thing in the morning." "Oh, shit!" "They're not gonna release the album, because they have decided that the cover is sexist." "So what?" "What's wrong with being sexy?" "I mean, there's no..." "Sex-ist!" "OK, I wanted to tell you this, but I didn't know what Denis's decision was going to be." "But at this point, both Sears and K-Mart stores won't handle the album." "They're boycotting it because of the cover." "If the company is behind an album, it can shove it down their throats!" "Money talks and bullshit walks." "And if the first album was a hit, then we could have told them..." " Every cut on this album..." " I don't give a shit..." "It was a joke and they're making it a big deal." "If we said she should be forced to smell the glove, then you'd have a point." "But it's all a joke." " We're making fun of it." " She should be made to smell it." "But not over and over." "We can work something out." "I'll talk to Denis and maybe we can compromise." "A new design concept we can all live with." " You guys were schoolmates?" " We..." "We're not university material." " What's on your finger?" " My gum." " Why is it on your finger?" " I might need it later." " Put it on the table." "It's terrible." " I might forget it on the table." " Can't take him anywhere!" " How old were you guys when you met?" "About eight years old." "Eight or nine." " You were eight and I was seven." " That's right." "Do you remember the first song you wrote together?" "All The Way Home." " All The Way Home?" " Yeah." "Can you remember it?" "I'd love to hear it." "Christ!" "Some black coffee, maybe we could do it." "How's it go?" " I was standin'" " Beside the railroad track" "And I'm waitin' for that train to bring you back" "Bring you back" "If she's..." "If she's not on the 5.1 9" "Then I'm gonna know what sorrow means" "And I'm gonna cry, cry, cry, all the way home" " All the way home" " All the way home" " All the way home" " All the way home" " Cry... cry, cry, all the way home." " Cry, cry, cry, all the way home." "There was about six words in it." "Just repeating them over and over again." "Let's talk about your music today." "One thing that puzzles me, um, is the make-up of your audience." "It seems to be predominantly young boys." "Well, it's a sexual thing." "Aside from the identifying that the boys do with us, there's also, like, a reaction of the female to our music." "Really, they're quite fearful." "They see us onstage with tight trousers..." "We've got, you know, armadillos in our trousers." "It's really quite frightening, the size." "And... and they run screaming." "VANDERMINT AUDITORIUM Chapel Hill, North Carolina lan, can I have a word with you?" "Yes, of course." "What?" "There are a couple of problems with the arrangements backstage." " What exactly?" " Well, there are some problems here." "I don't even know where to start." " Sound check?" "What?" " No, no, no, no." "This." "Look." "There's a problem with..." "Look." "This." "This miniature bread." "I've been working with this for about half an hour." "I can't figure out..." "Let's say I want a bite, right?" "You got this..." " You'd like bigger bread?" " Exactly!" "I don't understand..." "You could fold this." " Then it's half the size." " Not the bread." "You fold the meat." " Then it breaks apart like this." " No, you put it on the bread like this." " But if you fold it, it breaks." " Why fold it?" "Everything has to be folded." "And then it's this, and I don't want this." "I want large bread, so that I can put this..." "So then it's like this, but this doesn't work because it's all..." "Because it hangs out?" " Would you hold this?" " I wouldn't want to put that in my mouth." "And then we move on to this." "Look!" "Look!" "Who's in here?" "No one." "Then in here, there's a little guy." "It's a complete catastrophe!" "You're right, Nigel, but calm down, calm down." " It's no big deal." "It's a joke." " I'm sorry." "It's just some cracker university." "I don't want it to affect your performance." "It won't affect my performance." "Don't worry." "I just hate it." "It does disturb me." "But I'll rise above it." "I'm a professional." "It's better in a hellhole" "You know where you stand in a hellhole" "Folks lend a hand in a hellhole" "Girl, get me back to my hellhole" "Do Stonehenge!" "Do you play..." "Do you actually play all these?" "I play them and I cherish them." "This is at the top of the heap." "No question about it." "Look at the flame on that one." "It's just..." "It's quite unbelievable." "This one is just..." "It's perfect, 1 959." "You know, it just..." "Listen." " How much..." " Just listen." " The sustain - listen to it." " I'm not hearing anything." "You would if it were playing." "Because it's famous for its sustain." " You can just hold it..." " So you don't..." "You can go and have a bite and you'd still be hearing that one." " Can you hold this a sec?" " Sure." "This one..." "This, of course, is a custom three pick-up." "This is my radio unit." "So I strap this piece on right down in here when I'm onstage." " It's a wireless." " Wireless." "Exactly." " I can play without all the muck." " You can run anywhere onstage with it." "This is special, too." "Look, see?" "It's still got the tagger on it." "Never even played it." " You just bought it..." " Don't touch it." "I wasn't gonna touch it." " I was just pointing at it." " Don't point." " Don't even point?" " No." "It can't be played." "Never." " Can I look at it?" " No." "You've seen enough." "This is what we use onstage." "But it's very, very special because, if you can see, the numbers all go to 1 1 ." "Look." "Right across the board." "1 1 ... 1 1 ... 1 1 ..." " And most amps go up to ten?" " Exactly." " Does that mean it's louder?" " Well, it's one louder, isn't it?" "It's not ten." "See, most blokes are gonna be playing at ten." "You're on ten here, all the way up, all the way up." "You're on ten - where can you go from there?" "Where?" " I don't know." " Nowhere." "Exactly!" "If we need that extra push over the cliff, you know what we do?" " Put it up to 1 1 ." " Exactly." "One louder." "Why don't you make ten louder, make ten the top number, and make that a little louder?" "These go to 1 1 ." "Are you Spinal Tap?" " This is Spinal Tap." " Welcome to Memphis." " Gentlemen, we have a slight problem." " How slight?" " You wanted seven suites." " Seven suites." "He's put you on the 7th floor with one suite." "That's considerably more than minor." "But it's a good-sized room." "It's a king leisure." "How are we going to get 1 4 people in a king leisure bed?" " Don't tempt me, sir." " Have a good time." " I'll take care of it." " Welcome, gentlemen." " Very attractive..." " Listen to me!" "We want these suites." "These people are tired." "We've a sound check in an hour." " What's the problem?" " Give me a hand, please." "I'll tell you what's wrong." "This twisted old fruit here" " tells me that..." " I'm just as God made me, sir." "What's the difference between golf and miniature golf?" "Uh-oh, here they come." "Duke!" "Duke!" "Would you..." "Can I have your autograph?" "Duke." "It's OK, we know him." "It's Spinal Tap." " David St Hubbins, Spinal Tap." " How ya doin'?" "Derek Smalls." " We gotta get going." " Where are you playin'?" "We're doin' the..." "Enormo Dome." "We sold it out." "That's a big place." "You sold it out?" "!" "We really should run, you know." "Good heavens!" "How are you?" "Great to see you, Ter." " Um..." "Liam!" " lan." "Ian!" "We'd love to chat, but we gotta sit in the lobby and wait for the limo." " OK." " Great to see you again, Terry." " Cheers!" " Cheers!" "Great." "Great to see you." " Good days." "Good days." " Nice to see you." "Fuckin' wanker." "What a wanker." "He's got this much talent." "This much if he's lucky." "We had to apologise for him with our set." "People were still booing' him when we were on." "It's all hype." " We got our rooms." "Big fat suites." " Can I ask you something?" "Have you seen Duke Fame's current album?" " Um... yes." " You've seen the cover?" " No, I don't think I have." " It's a rather lurid cover." "It's, like, naked women and..." "He's tied down to this table and they've got whips and they're all semi-nude." " What's your point?" " It's much worse than Smell The Glove." "He releases that and he's number three." "But he's the victim." "Their objections were that she was the victim." "If the singer's the victim, it's not sexist." " He did a twist on it." " We should've thought of that." "If we'd had you guys tied up, that would've been fine." "It's such a fine line between stupid and..." " And clever." " It's just that turnabout." "I have a piece of bad news." "Although it may not be that bad." "We're, er... we're cancelled here." " At the hotel?" " No, the gig is cancelled." "Fuck!" ""Memphis show cancelled due to lack of advertising funds."" "The last time Tap toured America, they were... booked into 10,000-seat arenas and 1 5,000-seat venues." "And it seems that now, on the current tour, they're being booked into 1 200-seat arenas, 1 500-seat arenas." "I was wondering, does this mean the popularity of the group is waning?" "Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no." "No, no, not at all." "I just think that... that their appeal is becoming more selective." "I notice you got this cricket bat here." " Do you play?" " No." "I carry this partly out of..." "I don't know." "Sort of..." " I suppose..." "What's the word?" " Affectation?" "Yes." "It's a kind of totemistic thing, you know." "To be frank, it's come in useful in a couple of situations." "Certainly in the topsy-turvy world of heavy rock." "Having a good solid piece of wood in your hand is quite often... useful." "I miss you too, darling." "Um, not too well, actually." "We got to Memphis and there's no gig in Memphis." "And we find out this promoter in the Midwest has pulled out of St Louis and Kansas City, and, um, oh, Des Moines." "I don't know." "It's in Indiana or something." "I thought..." "Oh, don't tease me." "That's not until April." "Great!" "We'll do it!" "Oh, fuckin' great!" "Milwaukee." "Milwaukee, Wisconsin." "I have no idea." "You might have to fly to New York and then go to Milwaukee from there." "Oh, God, I love you too!" "OK." "Bye." "Well, my problems are solved, mate." "Jeanine, she's gonna come meet us." "She was supposed to do this window layout for Neil Khyatt's boutique, but..." " Is she coming to drop some stuff off?" " No, she's coming on the road." "She's gonna travel with us." "She's gonna go on the road with us." "She says she can hear that I'm eating too much sugar on the phone." "She says my larynx is fat." "You might want to come next door." "The radio's playing a bit of your past." "Are you happy for me?" " I don't believe it!" " Just have a listen, man." "How sad it must end but I'm glad I've a friend" "Sharing cups and cakes with me" "And cakes with me" "Oh, yeah!" "Goin' all the way back to 1 965!" "Doesn't it feel good with The Thames Men and "Cups  Cakes"?" "The Thames Men later became Spinal Tap and had a couple of nice-sized hits." "They're currently in the "Where Are They Now?" file." "Johnny Q with you on Golden 1 06, and right after we..." "I'm not sure this was a good idea." "I don't feel any better." "GRACELAND Memphis, Tennessee" "He was gonna do a TV special from here before he died." "Yeah, a musical version of Somebody Up There Likes Me." "Well, since my baby left me" "I found a new place to dwell" "Well, it's down at the end of Lonely Street" "At Heartbreak Hotel" " Do it with the harmony parts." " All right." "Well, since my baby" "The same key, though, I think." "Well, since my baby left me" "If I'm going:" "Since my baby left me" " Me" " No, you can't hit that note." "Since my baby left me" "Well, I found a new place to dwell" " That's all right." " Not really." " It sounds raga." "You don't wanna go raga." " Not with this, it don't." " Since my baby left me" " It sounds fuckin' barbershop." " Barbershop raga." " Watch the language." " You're in the presence of the King." " Oh." "Sorry." "This is thoroughly depressing." "Really puts a perspective on things, doesn't it?" "Too much." "There's too much fuckin' perspective now." "In 1 967, that was the first time Spinal Tap came into existence." "The whole world was changing in those days." "We had the world's ear because we had just released an enormous-selling single." " Listen To The Flower People." " Flower People." "We toured the world." "We toured the States." " Toured the world and elsewhere." " A dream come true." "Listen to what the flower people say" ""JAMBOREEPOP" (American TV - 1 967)" "Listen, it's getting louder every day" "Listen, it's like a bolt out of the blue" "Listen, it could be calling out for you" "In the Flower People period, who was your drummer?" "Stumpy's replacement, Peter "James" Bond." "He also died in mysterious circumstances." "We were playing a jazz blues festival." "Where was that?" " Blues jazz, really." " Blues jazz festival." "That was in the Isle..." "The Isle of Lucy jazz and blues festival." "And it was tragic, really." "He exploded onstage." " Just like that." " He just went up." "He just was like a flash of green light..." " And that was it." "Nothing was left." " It's true." "This really did happen." "There was a little green globule on his drum seat." " Like a stain, really." " More of a stain than a globule." "You know, several... dozens of people spontaneously combust each year." "It's just not really widely reported." "SHANK HALL Milwaukee, Wisconsin" "Testing!" "Test, test, test." "This is mike number one." "This is mike number one." "Isn't this a lot of fun?" "OK, he's got the mikes." "Let's do GSM, all right?" "GSM." "Stop wastin' my time" "You know what I want" "Heavy up!" "You know what I n-n-n-need" "Or maybe you don't" "Or do I have to come right smack-dab out and tell you everythin'" "Gimme some money!" "Gimme some money!" "Oh, yeah" "Hello, darling!" "Hello!" "I've got a surprise for you!" " Where'd you come from?" " Where do you think I came from?" "The bloody aeroplane, didn't I?" "Right?" "David?" "David?" "David?" "David?" "Oh, that feels good!" "Oh, I've been wanting to do that for a long time!" " Want me to carry it about with me?" " What's all this?" "That's the film crew." "I told you about this." " Martin, this is Jeanine." " Hello." "Here it is!" "Here it is, lads!" "Smell The Glove, me old beauties!" "Gather round." "Where's David?" "David!" "David, get up here!" "David, Smell The Glove is here." "Hello, Jeanine." "The moment we've all been waiting for!" " I never thought I'd see the day." " Plenty for everybody!" " What do you think?" " Is this the test pressing?" "No, this is it." " This is Smell The Glove by Spinal Tap?" " That's the jacket cover" " that's going out across the country." " This is the compromise you made?" " Is it going to say anything here?" " Nope, it's not gonna say anything." " So it's just gonna be all black?" " Simple, beautiful, classic." "It does look like black leather." "You can see yourself in both sides." "It's like a black mirror." "I think it looks like death." "It looks like mourning." "Every movie in every cinema is about death." "Death sells." "I think he's right." "There's something about this that is so black, it's, like, how much more black could this be?" "And the answer is... none." "None..." "You're rationalising this whole thing like it's something you did on purpose." "I think we're stuck with a very stupid and dismal-looking album." "It's something you wear around your arm." "You don't put it on your fuckin' turntable!" "This is the turning point, OK?" "I think this is..." "We're on our way now." "It's time..." "It's time to kick arse." "When there was darkness and the void was king" "And ruled the elements" "When there was silence, and the hush" "Was almost deafening" " Out of the emptiness" " Salvation" "Salvation" "Rhythm and light and sound" "'Twas a rock'n'roll creation" "'Twas a terrible big bang" "It was the ultimate mutation" "Yin was searching for his Yang" "And he looked and he saw that it was good" "I look to the stars and the answer is clear" "I look in the mirror and see what I fear" "'Tis the rock'n'roll creation" "'Tis the absolute rebirth" "It is the rolling of the ocean" "And the rocking of the earth" "And I looked and I saw that it was good" "Given the history of Spinal Tap drummers in the past, do you have any fears, uh... for your life?" "When I did join, they did tell me." "They took me aside and said, "Mick, you know, it's like this."" "And it did kind of freak me out a bit, but it can't always happen to every..." "Can it?" "The law of averages says you will survive." "Yeah." "Whoa, quite exciting." "Quite exciting, this computer magic." " How many planets have you destroyed?" " About four for a fifth time round, I think." "We're doing really fine." "A few galaxies gone, you know." " This is Cindy's first moustache." " Is it?" " Can I take it off now?" " Why, are you too hot in it?" "No, it's..." "I thought I might go back and see what they were up to." "I don't think they need to see this until you're finished with it, you know?" "You were reading." "You can read here." "Yeah, but they got the new game back there." "I thought I could maybe have a look at the new game." " It's like a submarine thing." " You've got stuff over you again." "Before I met Jeanine, my life was a shambles." "Before I met Jeanine, my life was a shambles." "I was using whatever Eastern philosophy happened to drift through my transom." "And she sort of sorted it out for me." "Gave me a path, you know, to follow." "Do you have as much influence over his musical expression?" "Oh, yeah." "I mean, I listen to him when he's experimenting - don't I?" "He plays things to me sometimes when he's worked out..." "He's got a new bit he wants to tell me about." "And I say that's good or that's bad or that's shit or whatever." "She's very honest." "She's brutally frank." "How does that go over with the other band members?" "She gives me the brutally frank version, and I sort of tart it up for them." "It's so strange because Nigel and Jeanine are so similar in so many ways, but they just can't..." "They don't dislike each other." " There's great love between them." " Oh, yes." "But there's some sort of communication that's just blocked or something." " It's pretty." " Yeah, I like it." "Been foolin' about with it for a few months now." "Very delicate." "It's a bit of a departure from the kind of thing you normally play." "Yeah, well, it's part of a trilogy, really." "A musical trilogy that I'm doing in D... minor, which I always find is really the saddest of all keys, really." "I don't know why but it makes people weep instantly if you play it." " It's a horn part." " It's very pretty." "You know, just simple lines, intertwining." "Very much like..." "I'm really influenced by Mozart and Bach." "And it's sort of in between those, like a Mach piece." "What do you call this?" "This piece is called Lick My Love Pump." "Do you have any metal objects in your pockets?" " Yeah." " Put them in the bucket." "Coins... keys..." "Tuning fork." "Musician." "I have to stay in tune, you know?" "Oh." "OK." " Could you take this jacket off, please?" " Oh, it's the zipper." "Sets off the machine." "Let's go, hurry up!" "Step over here, please." "Raise your arms." "Departure at gate 1 2 has been delayed for approximately 20 minutes." " Do you have artificial plates or limbs?" " Not really, no." "Would you, um..." "I don't need a woman" "I won't take me no wife" "I got the rock'n'roll and that'll be my life" "No page in history, baby, that I don't need" "I just wanna make some eardrums bleed" " Heavy" " Heavy" " Duty" " Duty" "Heavy duty rock'n'roll" " Heavy" " Heavy" " Duty" " Duty" "Brings out the duty in my soul" "CHICAGO, ILLINOIS" "Hi." "Artie Fufkin, Polymer Records." "How are you?" " How you doing?" "You are..." "Derek." " Derek." "Artie Fufkin, Polymer Records." "I'm your promo man here in Chicago." "I love you guys." "And, of course, Nigel." "I love you." "Nigel Tufnel." "I love your stuff." "I go back with you guys." "Artie Fufkin, Polymer Records." " And who are you, darlin'?" " This is my special new friend, Cindy." " Hello, Cindy." " And this is Belinda." "Hello, Belinda." "Artie Fufkin, Polymer Records." "And I..." "Oh, what's going on here?" "Hi!" "Hi, guys." "Artie Fufkin, Polymer Records." "Nice to see you." "And where is David?" "David, hi!" "Artie Fufkin." "How are you?" "Nice to see you." " We've got something happening..." " It's the food!" "It's the food!" "Oh!" "Thank God!" "Civilisation!" "Where do I put this?" "What are you doin' to me here?" "I thought we had a relationship." "What happened?" "Business is terrible." "What can I tell you?" "A record store with a promotion and nobody shows up?" "This isn't a personal thing." "Forget personal thing." "We had a relationship." "What about our relationship?" "I feel like a schlub." "I don't know what's happening." "It's me, that's what is happening." "It's me." "I did it." "It's my fault." "We were told massive radio support." "We did!" "We did massive." "We saturated." "We over-saturated." "It's me." "I did it." "I fucked up." "I fucked up the timing, that's all." "I got no timing." "I got no timing." " You know what I want you to do?" " What?" "Do me a favour." "Just kick my ass, OK?" "Kick this ass." "Kick my ass." "Enjoy." "Come on!" "I'm not asking, I'm telling with this." "Kick my ass." "XANADU STAR THEATER Cleveland, Ohio" "We've kept 'em waiting' long enough." "Let's do it." "Come on, Mick!" " Let's go, Mr Shrimpton!" " Rock'n'roll!" "Rock'n'roll!" "Let's have some rock'n'roll!" "Rock'n'roll!" "Let's go, then." " It's gonna be a hot one." " It's gonna be great." " Not an exit." " We don't want an exit." " No, that's true." " This way." "Yeah, this way." "Let's go." "Um..." " Wait." "This looks familiar, though." " Listen!" "Shit!" "Let's not lose it, let's not lose it." "Where the fuck is lan?" "He should be here." "Tap!" "Tap!" "Tap!" "Tap!" "We've gotta get to it some way." "We've been onstage, right?" "We're in the group." "We're in the group that's playin' tonight." "You go straight through this door here, down the hall, turn right, and then there's a little jog, about 30 feet." "Jog to the left." " We don't have time for that." " Go straight ahead, turn right at the next two corners." "On the first door is a sign:" ""authorised personnel only"." " Open that door." "That's the stage." " You think so?" "You're authorised." "You're musicians, aren't ya?" "Thank you." "Thank you very much." "Rock'n'roll!" "Rock'n'roll!" "Let's get it!" "Let's get it!" " This way?" " No, this way." "Straight through." "Rock'n'roll!" "Hello, Cleveland!" "Hello, Cleveland!" " Fuck!" " You must've made a wrong turn." " We gotta go another way." " Other way, other way." "Other way!" "I hate to keep harping on, but the notion of a black album has cursed us." "We're getting substantial reports of airplay." "Don't worry about that." "But... it might have been better if the, uh..." "album had been mixed right." "Well, no use crying over that, but of course that's true." "Well, it was mixed all wrong, wasn't it?" "It was mixed wrong?" "Were you there?" " But she's heard the record." " So your judgment is it was mixed wrong." " You couldn't hear the lyrics." " You don't agree?" " No, I do not agree." " Well, I think maybe..." " It's interesting she's bringing it up." " She'd like to hear the vocals." "It's like me saying you're using the wrong conditioner for your hair." "It looks sort of frizzy." " You don't do 'eavy metal in Dubly." " In what?" "In what?" " In Dubly." "You can't..." " She means Dolby, all right?" "You know what she means." "You shan't recover from this one." "Can I have the floor for just one moment?" "I've got something I'd like to show you." "Jeanine's been working on these very hard." " These are a new direction..." " A new presentation." "The stage look of the band, based on the signs of the zodiac." "We need a new presentation." "This is a look for Viv." "He's a Libra." "There's the sort of Yin/Yang sort of look." "This is Nigel." "He's Capricorn." " Sort of a goat look." " With a beard." " Is this a joke?" " This..." " Excuse me." "Is this a joke?" " Just bear with us for one moment." "This..." "I love this." "I wish I were Cancer." " That's attractive." " This is your crab face." "Give it a chance." " And this is..." " David, wait, please." "Wait a minute." "Have you any idea what it will cost to dress up the band as animals?" " Oh, it don't cost nothin'." " They're not animals..." "It's a way to fight the drabs." "We've got the drabs." "That's true." "I think mine would look better in Dubly." "If it was done in Dubly..." "Shut up!" " If you're not open-minded enough..." " David..." "There are solutions to our problems." " I think we know what they are." " I've yet to hear them." "We can take a rational approach." "We can say..." " May I make a suggestion?" " Oh, let's hear your suggestion." "Stonehenge." "Stonehenge." "Best production value we've ever had." "But we haven't got the equipment." "We haven't got Stonehenge." "Please, please." "Just a moment." " Musically, we all know it." " It's not a bad idea." "No problems musically." "We go right onstage and it's quite simple." "Ian can take care of this." "But we don't have that piece of scenery any more." "I know!" "So we build a new one." " And this is it." " Consider it done." "You're just gonna take care of it like that?" "Using that as the plans?" " Let's try." " If you can do it, I'll do the number." "Do you feel that, in collaboration with David, that you are afforded the opportunity to express yourself musically" " the way you would like to?" " Well, I think I do, in my solos." "My solos are my trademark." "Perfect." "It's the right proportions." " It'll be this colour, right?" " Yeah." "That's just terrific." "It almost looks like the real thing." " You got it." " Yeah." "When we get the actual set, it'll follow exactly these specifications?" "Even these contours?" "Um..." "I don't understand you." "The actual piece?" " When you build the actual piece..." " But this is what you asked for, isn't it?" " What?" " Well, this is the piece." " This is the piece?" " Yes." "Are you telling me that this is it?" "This is scenery?" "Have you ever been to Stonehenge?" "The triptychs are 20 feet high!" "You can stand four men up 'em!" "Ian, I was asked to build it 18 inches high!" "Look." "This is what I was asked to build." "18 inches." "Right here." "It's specified, 18 inches." " I was given this napkin." " Forget this!" "Fuck the napkin!" "In ancient times, hundreds of years before the dawn of history," "lived an ancient race of people." "The Druids." "No one knows who they were or what they were doing." "But their legacy remains." "Hewn into the living rock of Stonehenge." "Stonehenge - where the demons dwell" "Where the banshees live and they do live well" "Stonehenge - where a man is a man" "And the children dance to the pipes of Pan" "And you, my love" "Won't you take my hand" "We'll go back in time" "To that mystic land" "Where the dewdrops cry" "And the cats meow" "I will take you there" "I will show you how" "And, oh, how they danced, the little children of Stonehenge, beneath the haunted moon, for fear that daybreak might come too soon." "The problem wasn't that the band was down." "The problem may have been that there was a Stonehenge monument in danger of being crushed... by a dwarf." "All right?" "That tended to understate the hugeness of the object." " You're making too big a thing out of it." " Making a big thing was the idea." "Nigel gave me a drawing that said 18 inches." "I know..." "Whether he knows the difference between feet and inches is not my problem." "But you're not as confused as him." "It's not your job to be as confused as Nigel is." "It's my job to do what I'm asked to do by the creative element of this band." " The audience were laughing." " So it became a comedy number." "Yes, it fuckin' did, and it was not pleasant to be part of the comedy onstage." "Backstage, perhaps it was very amusing." "Maybe we just fix the choreography, keep the dwarf clear." " What do you mean?" " So he won't trod upon it." "That's not the issue." "I think it's symptomatic of taking on more than you can, er... er... handle." "It's not the first time you've messed things up, is it?" "There have been some gaping holes in the business end..." "Excuse me." "This is a band meeting, right?" "Are you here for some reason?" " She's with me." " Is she now in the band?" "I care what happens to the band." "David, whenever a single ruffle comes into this adolescent fantasy world you guys have built around yourself, you start screaming like a bunch of poncey hairdressers!" "It's just a problem!" "It gets solved!" "It doesn't!" "If it got solved, that would be all right, but it doesn't get solved." "I mean, what got solved tonight?" "For one single thing that goes wrong, a hundred things go right." "Do you know what I spend my time doing?" "I sleep two or three hours a night." "There's no sex and drugs for lan, David." "You know what I do?" "I find lost luggage." "I locate mandolin strings in the middle of Austin." "I prise the rent out of the local Hebrews." "Get someone else to find luggage, and you concentrate on the stage." " You'd like me to be road manager?" " No!" "All bad blood aside..." "What Dave is trying to say, if you'd let him get a word through," " is you could maybe do with some help." " Some help?" " Managing the band." " It's very simple." "Maybe there's someone already here..." "We don't have to pay insurance." "We don't have to pay extra room..." "since she's already here, among us," " and she's capable of taking over." " "She"?" "Wait a minute." "Who do you think I'm talking about?" "I would never have dreamed it was her you were talking about." "I am offering to help out here." "You're offering to co-manage the band with me." "Yes, that is exactly it." "I'm not gonna co-manage with some girl just cos she's your girlfriend!" "Oh! "Girlfriend", is it?" "I don't know what you're doing managing the band!" " Why don't we just..." " Shut up!" "This is my position." "I am not managing it with you or any other woman." "Especially one who dresses like an Australian's nightmare." "So fuck you!" "Fuck all of you!" "Because I quit, all right?" "That's it." "Good night." "Can I raise a practical question at this point?" "Are we gonna do Stonehenge tomorrow?" "No, we're not gonna fuckin' do Stonehenge!" "OK, we're all set." "Thank you." "All right, fellas." "I got the tickets." "We're on the 3.10 flight at gate 24, all right?" "It arrives at 4 o'clock in Colorado." "Then we got a limo to take us to the Lodge." "It's about 100 yards from Rainbow Trout Studio." "What I've done is to arrange a whole load of charts." " This is so great." " We know that the band's sign is Virgo." "You see, Saturn's in the third house, and it's a bit rocky." "But because Virgo is one of the most highly intelligent signs of the zodiac, we're gonna pull through this with great aplomb." "Has someone not got one?" "Nigel hasn't got one." "Nigel!" "Nigel!" "We got pages for you here." "He's got one." "He's got it." "Think what a jumble a tour book usually is..." " He's got one." " Right." "What I want to explain to you is that Denver..." "How would you characterise your relationship with David over the years?" " Has it changed in any way?" " Not really." "I mean, you know, we've grown up..." "but really it's not..." "No, not really." "We feel like children much of the time, even when we're playing." "We're closer than brothers." "Brothers always fight." "Sort of... disagreements and all that." "We really have a relationship that's way, way past that." " He can't play any more." " You know the parts." "If he knew the fuckin' part, he'd play it, wouldn't he?" " Are you walking out?" "Great!" " Just tell me what we're supposed to do." "We're supposed to play the fuckin' thing!" " We've spent an hour and a half..." " I'm doing my part!" "You know what would make this a lot simpler?" "I hate to cut right to it here." "Why don't you play this alone, without some angel hanging over your head?" "Jesus Christ!" "This is fuckin' all we need." "You can't fuckin' concentrate because of your fuckin' wife!" " It's your fuckin' wife!" " She's not my wife." "Whatever the fuck she is, we can't fuckin' do the track!" " This is unbelievable!" " No, it's not unbelievable at all!" "Am I losing my fuckin' mind?" "!" "Could you check me on this?" "I don't understand what this has to do with anything!" "We're very lucky, in a sense, that we've got two visionaries in the band." "David and Nigel are both like..." "Like poets, like Shelley or Byron or people like that." "They're two totally distinct types of visionaries." "It's like fire and ice, basically." "I feel my role in the band is to be kind of in the middle of that, kind of like lukewarm water, in a sense." "SEATTLE, WASHINGTON" "There's no time to go to the hotel." "You'd better go straight to the base." " Base?" " The gig." " To the Civic Arena, right?" " No." "Wait a second." "Hold it." "Do you know about this and we don't know about this?" " We're going to the air-force base." " Why go to an air-force base?" "Because the original gig fell through!" " Lieutenant Hookstrat?" " Hookstratten." " You are Spinal Tarp?" " I'm Jeanine and this is Spinal Tap." "Spinal Tap." "I'm Bob Hookstratten." "Welcome to Lindbergh Air Force Base." "Is this your first visit to a military facility?" "May I start by saying how thrilled we are to have you here." "We are such fans of your music and all of your records." "Not yours personally, but the whole genre of rock'n'roll and the exciting things in music today." "Let me explain what's going on." "This is our monthly at ease weekend." "It gives us a chance to let down our hair, although I see you have a head start!" "These haircuts wouldn't pass military muster!" "My hair's getting a little shaggy, too." "Better not get too close." "They'll think I'm in the band!" "I'm joking, of course." "Walk this way, please." "Right through here." "Did you ever run into a group, works out of Kansas City" " Four Jacks And A Jill?" "If you're ever there and wanna hear some good music, you might wanna drop by." "I would like to get the playing on about 1 900 hours, if that's satisfactory." " When would that be?" " I make it now... it's about 1830 hours." " So that's what?" "50 hours?" " 1 20 hours?" "That's actually about 30 minutes..." "give or take a few minutes." "I don't wanna rush you." "The idea is we can get it on and we get it over with." "And would you play a couple of slow numbers so I can dance?" "Working on a sex farm" "Ploughing through your bean field" "Gettin' out my pitchfork" "Pokin' your hay" "Sex farm woman, I'm gonna mow you down" "Sex farm woman, I'll rake and hoe you down" "Sex farm woman, don't you see my silo rising' high?" "High, high, high" "Hi-i-i-i-gh..." "Working on a sex farm" "Tryin' to raise some hard love" "Gettin' out my pitchfork" "He totally ruined the gig there." "He walks off and then..." "He can't sit at home and get money." "We gotta get someone else in there." "Has he done this before?" "Has he quit the band before?" "No, but you gotta understand that, in the world of rock'n'roll, there are certain changes that sometimes occur." "And you've just got to sort of roll with them." "You saw exactly how many people have been in this band over the years." "37 people have been in this band over the years." "I mean, six months from now, I can't see myself missing Nige any more than I might miss Ross McLachness or Ronnie Pudding or Danny Uppam or Danny Schindler or any of those." "I can't believe that." "I can't believe that you're lumping Nigel in with the people you played with for a short time." "Well, I'd feel much worse if I weren't under such heavy sedation, but you've gotta be realistic about this sort of thing." "So what happens to the band now?" " What do you mean?" " He's not coming back or..." "No." "We shan't work together again." "THEMELAND AMUSEMENT PARK Stockton, California" " Oh, no." " Great." "If I told them once, I told them a hundred times to put Spinal Tap first and Puppet Show last." "It's a morale builder, isn't it?" "You got a big dressing room..." "You got a big dressing room." "A bigger dressing room than the puppets?" "That's refreshing." "I've got some of this Mendocino rocket fuel that's supposed to be really nice." "Can you play..." "Excuse me, Viv." "Can you play a bass line like Nigel used to on Big Bottom?" "Can you double that?" "You remember it?" "It's in fifths." "Oh, yeah, yeah." "I got two hands here." " So we can play that one." " Hole is out, Heavy is out." "Right, right, right, right." "America we can't do." "It's Nigel's tune." "It's not my tune." " That's a nice, cosy ten-minute set." " What are we gonna do?" " We got nothing to play." " I'll tell you what we're gonna do." " What?" " Jazz Odyssey." "We're not about to do a free-form jazz exploration in front of a festival crowd." "You are witnesses at the new birth of Spinal Tap, Mark 2." "Hope you enjoy our new direction." "On the bass" " Derek Smalls." "He wrote this." "END OF TOUR PARTY Los Angeles" "So tonight's the last show of the tour." "Is this your last waltz?" "Are we talking the end of Spinal Tap or are you gonna try to milk it for a few more years in Europe?" "Well, I don't really think that the end..." "can be assessed... er... as of itself as being the end." "What does the end feel like?" "It's like saying when you try to extrapolate the end of the universe." "If the universe is indeed infinite, then what does that mean?" "How far is all the way?" "And then if it stops, what's stopping it?" "And what's behind what's stopping it?" ""What's the end?" is my question to you." " It's a good crowd, good crowd." " It is, isn't it?" "Yeah." "Some of these things, you know, don't mean much." "It's hard to get at the last minute." "You can't arrange it all overnight." "David, we had a 1 5-year ride, mate." "Who wants to be a 45-year-old rock'n'roller farting around in front of people less than half their age, cranking out some mediocre head-banging bullshit we've forgotten?" " It's beneath us." "Who wants to see that?" " Absolutely right." "We can take all those projects we didn't have time for." "We didn't have time because of Tap." "Bring 'em back to life, maybe." " Do you remember what..." " At the Luton Palace, we were talking about a rock musical based on the life of Jack the Ripper." " Yeah." "Saucy Jack." " Now is the time to do that." " You're a naughty one" " Saucy Jack" "You're a haughty one, Saucy Jack" "It's a freeing up, innit?" "It's all this free time." " Suddenly time is so elastic." " It's a gift." "A gift of freedom." "I've always wanted to do a collection of my acoustic numbers with the London Philharmonic, as you know." "We're lucky." "People should be envying us, you know." " I envy us." " Yeah." "Me too." "It's gonna be fine, right?" " We'll make 'em miss us." " Nice thought." "I'm in." "I'm in tune." " The last tuning." " I think we should go in." "I think it's time to go, right?" " Wanna go?" " Yeah." "We're gonna do Reach Out When You Die In My Champagne." "Come to see the show?" " Yeah." "Hello, mate." " Nige." "So did you just come here to hang around backstage?" " Is that what you're doin'?" " I'm really a messenger." " Oh, a messenger." " Yeah." "I bumped into lan and, er... lan?" "Oh, the other dead man, yeah." "Seems that Sex Farm is on the charts in Japan." "Spinal Tap's recording of Sex Farm?" "It was at number five last week, actually." "So he asked me to ask you, Tap, if you'd be interested in re-forming and, er... doing a tour." "Japan." "So you've come back to re-plug our life-support systems in?" "By the grace of your..." "By the stroke of your hand..." "You're gonna bring us back to life?" "Is that why you've come?" " No, I've come..." " I mean..." "The fuckin'... nerve that you've displayed..." "I'm just passing on the information, really." "Well, it's time to go in." "We haven't got time to discuss this now." "Come on." "David, do a good show, all right?" "Yeah, OK." "Little girl, it's a great big world" "But there's only one of me" "You can't touch cos I cost too much" " But tonight I'm gonna rock you" " Tonight I'm gonna rock you" " Tonight I'm gonna rock you" " Tonight I'm gonna rock you" "Tonight!" "You're sweet but you're just four feet" "And you still got your baby teeth" "You're too young and I'm too well hung" " But tonight I'm gonna rock you" " Tonight I'm gonna rock you" " Tonight I'm gonna rock you" " Tonight I'm gonna rock you" "Tonight!" "Oh, yeah" "Nigel Tufnel, lead guitar!" "You're hot, you take all we've got" "JOE "MAMA" BESSER Drums" "Next day, we'll be on our way" "But tonight I'm gonna rock you" "KOBE HALL Tokyo, Japan" "Tonight I'm gonna rock you" "Tonight!" "Little girl, it's a great big world but there's only one of" "Me!" "Do you feel that playing rock'n'roll music keeps you a child?" "Keeps you in a state of arrested development?" "No, no." "I feel it's like..." "It's more like going to a national park or something, and they've preserved the moose." "And that's... my childhood up there onstage is that moose." "So when you're playing, you feel like a preserved moose onstage?" "I've been listening to the classics." "I belong to a great series." "It's called The Namesake Series of cassettes." "They send you works of famous authors done by actors with the same last name." "So I've got Denholm Elliott reading TS Eliot on this one." " Interesting." " Yes." "I've got Danny Thomas doing A Child's Christmas In Wales by Dylan Thomas." "Next month it's McLean Stevenson reads Robert Louis Stevenson." " Treasure Island, I believe." " Interesting." "Fascinating." "There's also the shorter works of Washington Irving read by someone called Dr J." " That's Julius Irving." " There you go, in keeping with the series." " You like this?" " Looks like Halloween." "This is my exact inner structure done in a T-shirt." "Exactly medically accurate, see?" "So, if we were to take all your flesh and blood..." " This is what you'd see." " It wouldn't be green, though." "It is green." "See how your blood looks blue?" "That's just the vein, the colour of the vein." "The blood is actually red." "Oh, maybe it's not green, then." "Anyway, this is what I sleep in." "Denis Eton-Hogg, President of Polymer Records, was recently knighted." "What were the circumstances surrounding his knighthood?" "The specific reason why he was knighted was for the founding of Hoggwood, which is a summer camp for pale young boys." "David St Hubbins." "I must admit I've never heard anybody with that name." "It's an unusual name." "He was an unusual saint." "He's not a very well-known saint." " Oh, there was a St Hubbins?" " Yes." "That's right, yes." " What was he the saint of?" " The patron saint of quality footwear." "You play to predominantly..." "predominantly a white audience." "Do you feel your music is racist in any way?" " No, of course not." " No, not at all." "We say, "Love your brother." We don't say it really, but..." "We don't literally say it." "We don't literally mean it." " We're not racists." " But... that message should be clear." "We're anything but racists." "We've grown musically." "You listen to some of the rubbish we did early on." "It was stupid, and now we're..." "I mean, a song like Sex Farm, we're taking a sophisticated view" " of the idea of sex and music." " And putting it on a farm." "If I were to ask you your philosophy of life or your creed, what would that be?" "Have a good time all the time." "That's my philosophy, Marty." "I believe virtually everything I read, and I think that is what makes me more selective than someone who doesn't believe anything." "Do you have a philosophy or a creed that you live by?" "Well, personally," "I like to think about sex and drugs and rock'n'roll." "That's my life." "If you were to have something written as your epitaph..." "Here lies David St Hubbins, and why not?" " You feel that sums up your life?" " No." "It's the first thing I could think of." "It doesn't sum up anything, really." "I'm a real fish nut." "I really like fish." " What kind of fish?" " Well, in the United States, you have cod." "I like cod." "And I love tuna." "Those little cans you've got here." "Tuna fish..." "I love that." " No bones." " Yeah." "If you could not play rock'n'roll, what would you do?" "I'd be a full-time dreamer." "I'd probably get a bit stupid and start to make a fool of myself in public, cos there wouldn't be a stage." "Probably work with children." "As long as there's, you know, sex and drugs, I can do without the rock'n'roll." "Well, I suppose I could work in a shop of some kind, or do freelance selling of some sort of product." " A salesman?" " Like, maybe in a haberdasher, or maybe like a... um..." "a chapeau shop or something." "You know, "What size do you wear, sir?" and then you answer me." " Seven and a quarter." " "I think we have that."" "Something like that I could do." " You think you'd be happy..." " "No, we're all out." "Do you wear black?"" "See, that sort of thing I think I could muster up." "Do you think you'd be happy doing that?" "I don't know." "What are the hours?" "Visiontext subtitles by Susan Voas"