"We can't be accused of wasting money?" " Absolutely." " We are taking the smallest possible delegation?" " Absolutely." "Pared to the bone." " Who are all those people?" " Our delegation." " You said it'd been pared to the bone." " So it has?" " Who are they?" "A small delegation from the Foreign and Commonwealth Office." " But this is a DAA mission." " Yes, well, we are going abroad." "Foreign policy is at stake." "We're going to ratify a contract for one of the biggest export orders Britain's ever obtained." "That was negotiated by British Electronic Systems." "Who are all these civil servants?" "There's a delegation from the Department of Trade and one from Industry." "There's a group from Energy." "We are going to an oil sheikdom." "There's a Deputy Secretary leading a team from the Cabinet Office." "There's a group from the Central Office of Information, there's our DAA team." "Press secretaries, private secretaries, liaison secretaries." "The legal department who did the contract, those who supervised it." " Pared to the bone?" " To the bone." "If we'd met in Middlesbrough, we'd have only taken seven people." "Well, Teesside is perhaps not quite so diplomatically significant as Kumran." " Teesside returns four MPs." " Kumran controls Shell and BP." " What are you doing here?" " Purely my sense of duty-free." "Duty-free?" "Er... duty, free from any personal consideration." " Look through this." " What is it?" " It's the final communiqué." " The final...?" "!" "You can't write it before the meeting!" "On the contrary, you can't write it AFTER the meeting." "We had to get agreement from other departments, the EEC, Washington, the Kumrani Embassy." " You can't do that in the desert." " It may bear no relation to what we say." "No communiqué ever bears any relation to what you say." " Then why have one?" " It gets you past the press corps." "The journalists need to justify their huge expenses for a futile non-event." " Non-event?" " Oh, a brilliant triumph for you, Minister." "Which is why it's a futile non-event for the press." "They'd like me to get drunk at the reception." "Yes." "Not much hope of that." "Kumran is dry." "Yeah." "Well, of course, it is in the middle of the desert." " You mean..." "Islamic law?" " Alas, yes." " We can get a drink at the British Embassy?" " Yes." "But the reception and the dinner are at the palace." "Five hours of orange juice." "Five hours?" "Without a single drinky?" "Why did you let me come on this trip?" "What are we going to do?" "Hip flasks?" "No, much too risky." "We have to grin and bear it." "Why don't we set up a security communications room next door to the reception?" "You know, emergency telephones, telex lines to Downing Street." "Then we could fill it with booze brought in from the Embassy." " Minister!" " Liven up the orange juice!" "That is a... stroke of genius!" " Could it be done?" " Such a room would need a major crisis." " Five hours on orange juice is a major crisis." " The pound is under pressure." " Could you arrange it?" " I think I can guarantee enthusiastic support." "Most awfully generous of you to present me with this very splendid gift." "Oops!" " It is a great pleasure to commemorate this day." " It's so beautiful!" "A magnificent example of 17th-century Islamic art." " What was it originally?" " A rosewater jar." " I see." "For... er... rosewater, presumably?" " Quite so." "Minister, there's an urgent call for you in the communications room." "A Mr Haig." "General Haig?" "No, MR Haig." "You know, with the dimples." "Yes, yes." "Do excuse me." "Most important." " I believe there's a message from Mr Haig." " Yes, Minister." " I'm the only woman here." " Special dispensation." "They've made you an honorary man for the evening." " This will look wonderful on our hall table." " Mrs Hacker, I'm not sure if..." " If what?" " It's a gift to the minister." "It's his hall, too." " I don't think you'll be allowed to keep it." " Why ever not?" "It could be thought, if it were valuable, it could influence some ministers." "Not your minister, that is, my minister, our minister." "Your husband, as it were." "As it is, in fact." "I mean, he is." "I mean..." "Well, some ministers..." " Bernard." " Sorry." " Are you saying we have to give it back?" " No, that'd be an insult." " We can't give it back." "What do I do?" " It becomes government property." " It's put in a basement in Whitehall." " You sure we can't keep it?" " Not if it's worth more than £50." " How do we find out?" " You get a valuation." " Could you get a valuation?" "Wouldn't it be wonderful if it was less than £50?" "Because it's awfully pretty." "Well, I..." " I suppose I could try." " Oh, Bernard, you are wonderful!" "What would we do without you?" "Bernard." "Wanted in the communications room." "A Mr John Walker." " Johnnie Walker?" " Yes, from the Scotch Office..." "Sorry." " Scottish Office." " Isn't there a message for me?" "Yes, of course." "Bernard will get it for you if you give him your glass." "If you give him your glass, he'll get you some more orange juice." " Is Humphrey here yet?" " Yes, he's just over here." "Excuse me." "Ahem." "Excuse me." " Minister." " What on earth...?" "!" "Traditional Foreign Office courtesy to our Arab hosts, isn't that right?" "Spot on, Humphrey." "Isn't that right, Your Royal Highness?" "Yes, we regard it as a warm and gracious compliment." "May I present our minister?" "This is Prince Mohammed." " How do you do?" " Pleased to meet you, Your Excellency." "Excellency!" "I say, if you'll excuse me, I just must have a quick word with Sir Humphrey." "I can't believe my eyes!" "What are you here as?" "Ali Baba?" " Minister, when in Rome..." " We are not in Rome." "You look ridiculous!" "I suppose if we were in the Fiji Islands, you'd wear a grass skirt!" "The Foreign Office view, as Arabs are sensitive, is we should show them whose side we're on." "It may come as a surprise to the Foreign Office, but you're supposed to be on OUR side!" " Bernard, any messages?" " Well, there is one for Sir Humphrey." " Oh, good." " The Soviet Embassy on the line." "Mr Smirnoff." "Sorry." "So sorry." "Isn't there one for me?" "There was a message from the Embassy, the school - a delegation of Teachers." "Ah, I must go and greet the Teachers before the Bells goes... bell goes!" "You're receiving a great many very urgent messages." " Yes, yes, we are, aren't we?" " Excuse me." "Your Royal Highness, could I present Mr Pennington?" " Excuse me." " Yes, of course, Your Highness." "Excuse me, but I could not help overhearing your conversation about valuing the gift." " Perhaps I can help." " That would be..." " Do you have any idea how much?" " Of course." "An original 17th-century rosewater jar is very valuable." " Oh, dear." " You are not pleased?" "Yes and no." "If it's valuable, the minister won't be allowed to keep it." " I was rather hoping it wasn't." " Ah." "Well, as I was saying, an original 17th-century rosewater jar is very valuable, but this copy, though excellently done, is not of the same order." "Oh, good." "About how much?" " I would be interested to hear your guess." " Oh." "Er... well, a little under... £50?" "Brilliant!" "Quite a connoisseur!" " And you would sign a valuation certificate?" " But of course." " Your English customs are very strange." " Oh, why?" "You are so strict about a gift, yet your electronics company pays our finance minister a million dollars to secure this contract." "Is this not strange?" " You..." "You don't mean..." " Of course." "I work for the minister." "I got my share." " What for?" " For keeping my mouth shut." "L-I see." "Would you excuse me for a moment?" "Minister, can I have a private word with Sir Humphrey?" "You may speak freely, Bernie." "Yes..." "Oh, there was a message for you in the communications room." " The VAT man, your 69 returns." " What?" "!" " VAT 69." " Oh." "Ah!" "Yes... thanks." "I'm rapidly coming to the conclusion that the minister has had almost as many urgent messages as he can take." " I've found out the most terrible thing." " Dear me." "This contract was obtained by bribery." "Of course." "All contracts in Kumran are obtained by bribery." "Everybody knows that." "It's all right, as long as nobody knows." " Shouldn't we tell the minister?" " Certainly not." " But if everybody knows." " Everybody else." "We do not let a minister know what everybody else knows." "Highness, how very nice to see you." "Ah, Lawrence of Arabia, you're wanted in the communications room." "Oh, good." "Er, who is it?" "Napoleon!" ""It is alleged in Le Monde that the recent British contract with Kumran" ""was won by bribery."" " Do you hear this, Humphrey?" " Yes, indeed." ""It's part of a hideous web of corruption woven by Western industrial countries" ""and Third World governments that forms a blot of our modern civilisation."" " Webs don't form blots, Minister." " What?" "Well, spiders don't have any ink, you see." "Only cuttlefish." " Spiders don't...!" "What are you talking about?" " I know..." " Thank you, Bernard." " Isn't this terrible?" "Baseless accusations!" "Oh, yes, yes, terrible." "Backsheesh, palm-greasing!" "Good God, we're British!" "Absolutely, Minister!" "It's not like the FT to print a story like this unless there's something behind it." " Is there something behind it, Humphrey?" " I think the sports news is behind it." " I want to know the truth, Humphrey." " I don't think you do." " Will you answer a direct question?" " I strongly advise you not to ask one." " Why?" " It might provoke a direct answer." "It never has yet." "What do YOU know about this?" "Tell me!" "Oh, well, I... er..." "Er, that is... there was." "Someone did." " A lot of gossip, that's all." "Rumour, hearsay." " Bernard?" " One Kumrani did tell me he'd received..." " Hearsay, Minister." " Hearsay?" " Yes, Bernard heard him say it." "Are you telling me that the contract was won by bribery?" "I do wish you wouldn't use words like bribery." "What would you like me to say?" "Slush funds, sweeteners, brown envelopes?" "These are extremely crude and unworthy expressions for what is no more than creative negotiation." "It is general practice." "You do realise what you're saying?" "I ratified that contract in good faith!" "In that press communiqué, I announced a British success won in a fair fight!" "Mm, yes, I did wonder about that bit." " Now you're telling me it was got by bribery." " No." " Oh, it was not got by bribery?" " That is not what I said." " What did you say?" " That I'm not telling you it was got by bribery." " How would you describe these payments?" " How does the contract describe them?" "Oh, well, that's quite simple." "Retainers, personal donations, special discounts." "Miscellaneous outgoings, agents' fees, political contributions, management expenses." "How are these payments made?" "Anything from a numbered Swiss account to a fistful of used oncers slipped under the door of the gents'." " Do you realise how shocking this is?" " That is a narrow and parochial view." "In other parts of the world, they see things differently." " Sin is not a branch of geography." " But it is." "In developing countries, the size of the extra contractual payment shows how serious you are." "It's like a publisher's advance to an author." "Whoever pays the biggest advance expects the biggest sales." " I don't believe it!" " (BUZZER)" "Is corruption government policy?" "No, no, Minister!" "It could never be government policy!" "That is unthinkable!" "Only government practice." "That was the press office." "The papers want a statement about the bribery allegation." "What am I going to say?" "The press office can devise something convincing and meaningless." "That's what they're paid for." " You're a cynic, Humphrey." " Cynic." "A cynic is what an idealist calls a realist." "I'll tell the truth." "After all, I knew nothing of this." "Why should I back something I never approved?" "But this contract means thousands of British jobs, millions of export dollars!" "Surely you won't throw all that away because of a technical irregularity?" " It's not a technical irregularity, it is corruption!" " No." "Merely a few uncontracted pre-payments." "I don't expect you to understand, but government is not just a question of fixing and manipulating." " There is a moral dimension." " Of, yes, of course, the moral dimension." "It is never out of my thoughts." "So if questions are asked in the press, I shall announce an inquiry." "Splendid idea." "I shall be happy to conduct it." "No, no, no, no, no." "No, not an internal inquiry, a REAL inquiry." " You can't be serious!" " A real inquiry." " I beg you..." " Humphrey... the moral dimension." "(DOORBELL)" " Good evening, Mrs Hacker." " Bernard, come in." " Thank you." " Is that you, Bernard?" " Yes, Minister." " Shan't be a moment." " There's that jar from Kumran." " A friend of mine was frightfully interested in it." " Really?" " Jenny Goodwin from The Guardian." " The Guardian?" " She asked where it came from." " A journalist?" " Yes." "Well, The Guardian, anyway." " She asked what it was worth." "I said £50." " You said £50." " Funnily enough, she thought it was genuine." " She thought it was genuine?" " Bernard, you sound like an answering machine." " Oh, I'm sorry." "She wanted to ring Kumran's Embassy to ask what it was worth." "To ask what it was worth." " So what did you say?" " I said, by all means." "It is only a copy, isn't it?" "Well... so far as I'm so I'm lead to..." "Good gracious, is that the time?" " Bernard." " Sorry, the minister will be a few minutes late." " I'll come back." " Actually, I wonder if I could have a word." "Yes." " I said yes." " Yes, I know." "You see..." "Something the matter, Bernard?" "Come on, out with it." "Did you send the minister to the wrong dinner?" "Give him the wrong speech?" "Show him some papers we didn't mean him to see?" "Worse?" "Much worse?" "Sit down." "Well... tell me about it." "You know that jar the minister was given in Kumran?" " Well, the minister's wife..." "liked it." " I expect she did." "Then, when I explained the rules to her, she looked... terribly sad." "They always do." "She said wouldn't it be marvellous if it wasn't worth more than £50 and she sort of..." "looked at me." "But, my dear Bernard, a 17th-century vase!" "Yes, I know, but there was this terribly nice Kumrani businessman and we had a... a... a... conversation and he valued it as a copy, not as an original - £49.95p." " You believed him." " He said he was an expert." "He spoke Arabic awfully well..." "and so I accepted his valuation in good faith." "After all, Islam is a jolly good faith." "You took a grave personal risk." "You're lucky nobody's asked questions." "A journalist saw it in the minister's house and asked a lot of questions." "Mrs Hacker said it was a copy, but the press are so... horribly suspicious about things." " Despicable!" " So... what shall I do?" "The minister must be told." "Sorry to keep you." " That's all right." "Have you read my submission?" " I did, and it won't do." "I won't be accused of sweeping bribery under the carpet." "If questions are asked, I will announce an independent inquiry chaired by a QC." "You can't!" "That contract is worth £340 million!" "Get thee behind me, Humphrey!" "The moral dimension." "Minister, if there is an inquiry, other things may come out, too." "Such as?" "I'm afraid Bernard... has something to tell you." "Well?" " Well?" " You know that jar the Kumranis gave you?" "Yes, it's at the flat now." "Most attractive." "I told Mrs Hacker she could keep it, as it was valued for less than £50." "The valuer was awfully nice and I told him Mrs Hacker liked it a lot, but he may have been just, well, being helpful." "It's all right, Bernard." "No one will ever know." "Jolly enterprising of you." "Mrs Hacker told me a journalist was asking questions." " Journalist?" "!" " Can I just see that valuation?" "Hmm." "The Treasury isn't too happy about valuations written on the backs of menus." "It is a very good menu." "What is it worth?" " If it's a copy, what the valuation says." " And if it's... genuine?" "About £5,000." "Oh, my God, I kept it!" "Bill from the press office wants to talk to you." "I'm trying to deal with this problem you've landed me with!" " That's what he wants to talk to you about." " Well?" "The Foreign and Commonwealth Office is in a state." "Mrs Hacker has told The Guardian that valuable 17th-century thing presented to you by Kumran was a copy." "The Guardian phoned the Kumrani Embassy for their comments." "The Kumran government are incensed at the suggestion they insulted Britain by giving you a worthless gift." "It's building up into the biggest diplomatic incident since "Death of a Princess"." "There's a reporter from The Guardian demanding to see you right away." "Ahem." "Yes, Bernard?" " Minister... what are you..." " Bernard, my duty is clear." " I have no choice." " No choice?" "No choice." "I didn't ask you to lie to my wife about the value of that gift." " No, but..." " I realise you acted from the purest motives." "But there can be no excuse for falsifying a document." " But I..." " Let me continue." "I cannot have it said that I asked you to do this." "No more can I have it said that I connived at bribery and corruption." "Enough is enough." "If this journalist asks me straight questions on either of these subjects I shall have to give her straight answers." "The moral dimension." "Minister, I agree with you." "I see now that there is a moral dimension to everything." "Will you tell the press about the communications room or shall I?" "What?" "!" "You know, all the Scotch in Kumran." "You mean to tell me that... if I say then you will... tell and drop me in the..." "In the moral dimension." " This is different!" "It's not the same thing!" " Why?" " Drinking, it's not corruption." " No, it's just deceit." " Deceit?" " We have deceived the Kumranis." "Tormented by the knowledge that we violated their sacred Islamic law in their own country." "Sooner or later, we'll have to own up and admit that it was all your idea." " It wasn't!" " (BOTH) It was!" "It wasn't... was it?" "Is it 50 lashes or 100?" "I must ask you to meet this journalist." " Oh, yes, all right." "What am I going to say?" " I suggest attack is the best form of defence." "Attack, attack, yes." "Good thinking, Humphrey." "Yes, got it." "Miss Jenny Goodwin from The Guardian." "Do come in." "Sit down, Jenny." "I may call you Jenny, may I not?" " If you like." " Now, what seems to be the trouble?" "Two things." "Both of them rather worrying to the public." "The first is a story that was in the French press." "It's about corruption in BES - getting the Kumrani contract." " Complete nonsense!" " They quoted reports of payments to officials." "Really, this is absolutely typical." "A British company slogs its guts out to win orders, create jobs!" "What does it get from the media?" "A smear campaign!" " If they won by bribery..." " There was no bribery." "I had a full inquiry." " All these payments have been identified." " What as?" " Commission fees, administrative overheads." " Operative costs, managerial surcharges." "Expenses, miscellaneous outgoings." "We have looked into every brown envelope every every account book and everything is completely in order." " I see." " May I say one thing?" "Allegations of this nature are symptomatic of a very sick society for which the media shares the blame!" " The media?" " Why are you putting thousands of jobs at risk?" "I'll call on the Press Council to censure the press for its lack of professionalism in running this story." "The Council and the House of Commons must be concerned about the standards which have applied in this disgraceful matter." "Pressure will be brought to bear to make sure that this gutter press reporting is not repeated." "I see." "Ahem." "Well, there is this other question." "It's about the rosewater jar apparently presented to you in Kumran." " Yes?" " I saw it in your flat, actually." " Yes, we're keeping it there, temporarily." " Temporarily?" " Yes, it's very valuable." " Mrs Hacker said it was an imitation." "Burglars, girl, burglars!" "And you've gossip!" "That's until we can get rid of it." " Get rid of it?" " I'll present it to our local museum this weekend." "I can't hold onto it, you know." "It's government property." "Now... what was your question?" "No... er... that's all right, actually." "Um..." "I..." "No, no, no, that's fine." " Nothing more?" " No, no, that's all." "Well, good of you to drop in." " Thank you, Minister." " Goodbye, Jenny." "Superb, Minister." " Thank you, Minister." " Oh, well, it was nothing." "We must stick by one's friends, eh, Humphrey?" "Eh, Bernard?" "Loyalty." "(BOTH) Yes, Minister."