"I remember driving there." "Um... she looked...great." "She was,uh,wearing this dress." "She got all dressed up for dinner." "Um,plus the--the light,you know,from sunset." "And,u and,uh... so we started to talk." "Blah blah this,blah blah that." "Next thing you know,she's,uh,she's pissed at me." "Um,I should mention here,um..." "I've,uh..." "I have a drinking problem, and,um,sometimes it's happened before with her." "I,uh..." "I've had blackouts and she's had to... piece the night back together for me." "So,that particular night I was drinking seltzer and she was drinking white wine, and after the conversation went south, she said she wanted to go inside and watch this television show about weasels--meerkats." "Meerkat manor." "So we went inside and next thing you know, we're watching this show and the narrator is-- he gives the meerkats' names." "So there's this meerkat named shakespeare and he gets bit by a scorpion, and there's some question about whether or not he's going to make it back to the home... base,you know,the place wher where the rest of the meerkat tribe is and they¡ª" "I was really worried about the guy-- shakespeare." "He's--he was looking--he was looking pretty bad." "And,uh... next thing I know,I'm laying in the sand and--and,uh..." "I can hear people screaming and...and..." "This doesn't add up,mr." "Gavin." " I'm sorry?" " Your story." "According to the facts we have in front of us, there were signs of an accelerant." "I don't know anything about...an accelerant." "You co-signed a fire insurance policy on the house and a life insurance policy on mrs." "Keefe 2 weeks before the fire." "No,I didn'T." "Mr. Gavin,please." "I'm telling you,I think I would remember" "You don't remember starting the fire." "How the hell can we expect you to remember signing the goddamn policies?" "I didn't start the fire,ok?" "Listen to me." "We know." "You're a dru a very convenient drinking problem." "It's a disease,ok?" "So is cancer." "Do you want to blame cancer blame cancer for the fire?" "Tell the truth,mr." "Gavin." " I'm telling the truth." " No,you're not." " Yes,I am." "I am telling" " No,you're not." "I'm telling the truth,ok?" "We were inside." "I was on the couch." "She was in the easy chair." "We were watching the meerkats,ok?" "Look at you." "Shh..." "You got him?" "I got him." "Go back to sleep." "I'm trying to get him to go to sleep." "Do you have any idea what time it is?" " 3:00 A.M." " It is?" " Jesus christ." " 3:16,to be exact." "And I told you 12:00, and I meant midnight,not noontime." "What" "We couldn't get out the club 'cause this group of guys, they were such assholes to tony,ok?" "And then there was this group of girls." "Oh,my god,this one chick-- she had this weird tattoo on her arm and, god,she was such a bitch." "She wanted tony to sign her tit." "Ew!" "And anyways,then we stopped for a burger." "Then he had to stop and get gas,so then" "Wait,wait,wait." "He's a he?" "Who?" "Tony." "Yeah,he's my boyfriend." "Whatever happened to wh-- what's her name?" "Linda." "Lorraine?" "Yeah,whatever." "Dad,that was so 6 months ago,ok?" "I'm through with girls." "Girls are crazy." "It was a phase I was going through." "Oh,your grandmother thought that, you know,me and your... mom were just a phase,and look at us." "Huh?" "Not now." "I mean,you know--and let me tell you something." "Girls might be crazy,but girls are crazy all the time." "They're dependable." "Guys are,you know--guys are just-- I mean,what's this guy doing signing--you know..." " Tits?" " Breasts." " Boobs." " Whatever." "He's a musician." "Are you--are you-- that you" "All right,that's just... wait--what instrument does he play?" "He's the lead singer." "He's not a musician,ok?" "The 4 guys up on stage with hi are the musicians." "Lead singer... jesus christ,those are the guys who wear all the make-up and do all the drugs and sleep with all the chicks." "How old's this guy?" "26." "Jesus christ,26-year-old-- do you know how old that is in rock and roll years?" "He's like 70,ok?" "He's like the clint eastwood of rock and roll." "Is that a hickey on your neck?" "Are--are you having... sex with this guy?" "That's none of your business,dad." "Which is--I'll take as a-- a yes,ok?" "Hang on there,missy." "I have to go to the bathroom." "Let me tell you something." "You're not fooling anybody." "Yeah." "Yeah,oh,yeah." "I smelled the pot when you walked in,ok?" "****Yeah." "And I can smell the sex." "Pot and sex--I can smell them both." "Yeah." "Ok,dad." "Ok." "Reality check time,ok?" " Yes,I have sex." " Shh." "Yeah,you heard me¡ª" "I just had sex,with tony,in his car, right after I smoked a big fat joint." "Very funny." "Ve--what?" "Jesus!" "Oh,yeah." "The pot made me forget." "I also drink now." "Tonight I had vodka,beer,and peppermint schnapps." "A lot of peppermint schnapps." "Hey!" "Hey!" "I am telling your mother." "Earth to dad." "She already knows." "Yeah,hey,hey." "Get up." "Get up." "Not now,tommy." "This is a bad idea." "Sex always leads" "No,no,no,no,no." "That's not it." "Colleen is smoking pot." "I know." "You know?" "What do you mean,you know?" "Yeah,and it's good pot,too,not the cheap shit we used to get." "Great,great." "That's--that's a great attitude." "You know,I told you years ago, pot's a gateway drug." "So tonight she comes home, not only is she high,she's drunk." " What" " Drunk,yeah." "Shit-faced." "Puked--yeah." "Was she driving?" "No,I think her 50-year-old boyfriend was handling the driving responsibilities." "Uh,he's 26." "And that's good." "That's good." "Why is that good?" "Because he doesn't drink." "Ok,but I'm pretty sure that she's banging this guy." "Yeah." "I know." "Look,she's on the pill." "You put her on the pill?" "Is that--insane." "To--I mean,you got the whole toolbox going." "Booze,penises." "I mean,I can't believe that I'm finally the moral compass in this family." "Yeah,well." "You're an enabler,that's what you are." "Yeah,yeah." "Shh." "When were you planning on telling me about this?" "Well,I was going to drop the sex bomb on you a while ago, but then this whole platonic living arrangement thing has been going so well." "Yeah." "You know,and then you always take the word "sex" as an invitation, so I didn't want to risk it." "And as for the pot and booze,well, check her birth certificate." "The last name's gavin." "Good night." "S-so that wasn't an invitation?" "Oh,my god,get out of here." "Daddy?" "What's a sex bomb?" "Oh,honey,that's,um-- tommy?" "It's nothing,honey." "It's a,uh--it's nothing." "Are you going to go to jail,dad?" "No,who said I'm going to jail?" "Well,mom,cousin eddie,father o'brien, all the kids at school." "I'm not--never mind father o'brien,ok?" "I'm not going to jail." "Smells like christmas out here." "That's not christmas,honey." "Oh." "Happy holidays." "Holy people, that on earth do dwell, sing to the Cheerful voice, lifts up with him his graceful sound, come kneel before him..." "Saber...saber... die,wizard!" "Die,die!" "Yeah!" "Shh." "Sorry." "I won." "Yeah." "Hey,you Hey,you won what?" "What is that,the,uh,the conquest trethfellon?" "I reached level 60." "I need to find a new game now." "Yeah,but wait a second." "That's not possible,rich." "That's the conquest trethfellon,right?" "It's the most intricate,difficult" "I kicked its ass!" "It took garrity 8 months to reach level 5." "You just beat the whole game in-- 4 hours,9 minutes--nigger!" "When are you going to marry my sister?" "'Scuse me?" "When are you going to marry her?" "Uh,we hadn't really" " I mean,you know, there's been a little conversation, but nothing,uh--oh,I get it." "You're,uh--you're worried that your sister and I are going to hook up and that you'll get left behind or sent off on your own." "Is that it,rich?" "Nigger!" "No,asshole." "I want her married so I can get on with my life." "Yeah,what life?" "My life!" "Ok,franco?" "Ok." "But I mean,you know,come on,let's be real." "You take classes at the center, you bag groceries at the food emporium like 3 days a week, and you sit around this apartment beating video games in record time." "I mean,other than that" "I want to get laid,franco." "How am I supposed to do that with my sister hanging around?" "I'm horny." "Nigger!" "You do realize in order to get laid you got to have a girl,right?" "I got a girl." "Really?" "I'm going to smack your face." "What?" "I got a girl." "Her name is barbara." "I met her at the center." "What,does she work there or is she one of the, uh,you know,your--your people" "Retards." "Yeah." "She has down syndrome." "She's partially deaf." "She's in a wheelchair." "But she's got the sweetest ass." "Yeah,but if she's in a wheelchair,how can you see it?" "They stand her up sometimes." "Uh-huh." "Um,listen,natalie and I,we got no plans as far as marriage is concerned right now." "Ok,as soon as that changes,rich,I'll let you know." "Make it fast." "I'm dying here." "Yeah?" "It's dr." "Brown." "I'm sorry--who?" "Dr. Brown." "Jeff,is that you?" "Jesus christ,eddie,you trying to get me shit-canned?" "Sorry,sorry,sorry." "I forgot." "I got the test results." "And?" "Dead on." "Oh,shit." "Are you sure?" "Yep." "All even." "This is wrong." "I think that's enough." "Ok." "Oh,yeah,that's rough." "Oh,god." "Oh,god." "Oh,god!" "Oh,yeah,that's it,that's it,that's it." "Just keep on saying that, 'cause if we get caught" "I can always say that there was prayer involved." "Yeah." "Oh,yeah." "No,I can't,I can'T." "I can'T." "Theresa,I can't do this." " I'm sorry." " What?" "Just stop it,ok?" "I was raised a catholic,for god sakes." "So I was a nun." "Oh,god." "Shit!" "Ow!" "Uh,hi." "Um,sorry." "Just,um... making sure the organ was ok." "It's,uh,it's fine." "Bless you all." "Hey,hi,maggie." "Are you going somewhere?" "I just--I was-- I was going to take a walk down to the you know?" "Maybe get a--a muffin." "Muffin face." "Is that--is that the big box of porn?" "Uh...oh,this box?" "Yeah,this--this-- this might have some porn in it,yeah." "Yeah." "You're throwing away the porn?" "Ok,look,maggie,a lot of wives, they would thrilled if their husbands were throwing away the porn." "They would see it as a--as a mature and committed act, and--and I think you should see this as a real positive thing." "You know,that's all fine and good,sean." "Only it's my porn." "Ok,well,you don't need it anymore,right?" "'Cause you got me." "Ha ha ha--put the box down." "Come on,maggie, I just want to be married for 2 seconds without the" "No,now!" " You see this box?" " Yeah." "This box is your friend." "It might even be your best friend." "Because it's the only thing breathing any life into our relationship at this point." "Maggie,we've been married 9 months." "Wh-what are you talking about, breathing life into the relationship?" "Everyone needs breath." "Everyone needs a spark,sean!" "Ok,and the spark is by watching some chick get double-teamed by guys with cocks the size of telephone poles?" "See,now you understand" "No,I don't!" "I don't understand,maggie." "I don't think you understand,either, that I might have a problem with this." "That this might make me feel,you know--inferior." " Oh,but sean,you have nothing to feel inferior about." " Really?" "Well,except for the fact that your cock isn't as big as a tele a telephone pole, but that's" "That's--ok,I'm going to work." "You know what?" "Enjoy your porn." "Sean!" "You don't want your cock to be that big." "Your life would be terrible." "You would not be able to buy pants." "Yeah?" "How's my favorite health nut doing?" "Hey,lost 5 more pounds." "Wow!" "What's that,30 total?" "35." "I go in for my stress test in a couple of days and back to full duty." "That's great,pop." "Hey,uh,how you doing,kid?" "I'm engaged." "What?" "You're kidding." "Nope." "Who's the lucky girl?" "Steven." "My boyfriend." "You actually thought it was a woman?" "No,no,no,no,no." "I mean,that's--that's--that's really great." "Great." "Is it legal?" "In massachusetts,yeah." "But,listen,it's not like a regular wedding service." "It's a commitment ceremony." "We exchange vows in front of friends and family, and I--I'd like you to... sort of be my best man." "Make a little speech." "Dad,you there?" "Yeah,uh,pete,sure I will." "I,uh." "I,uh... there's nothing that would make me happier than to do that for you." "Bullshit." "You got me there,but,uh..." "I'll be there,and I'll be there with bells on." "That's great." "Thanks,dad." "Yeah,sur to kiss the bride,do I?" "Not on my lips." "Gotcha!" "I'll talk to you later,pop." " Is that oprah?" " No." "Yeah,you,uh-- well,I was trying to get sportscenter,b everywhere." "This is crazy." "It still smells like puke in here." "Well,I--I used the glade." "Well,did you use the suddenly spring or the delicate petals?" "I--I--honey,we got bigger problems than the puke,ok?" "Colleen--sex with the boyfriend in front of the house last night,in the car." "How about that?" "Neighbors could've seen it,you know?" " What?" " So did we." "Honey,she's a kid." "She just turned 18." "I mean it's,you know" "You got me pregnant when I was 17." " Ok,that was" " In your truck,while we were drinking,and on quaaludes." "It was the seventies,ok?" "Freddy fender,pet rocks." "What did the super say?" "He's working on it." "He's,uh..." "All right,you ready?" " Ok." " Ok." "Ready?" "Ready ready." " Wow." " Shh,shh,shh." " Nice." " Shh,shh,shh... oh..." "Tom Tommy,you jinxed it." "I didn't jinx it." "He just-- he had--he drank his bottle too fast." "rub his back a little bit." "Oh,tommy,I know how to take care of kids." " I'm not telling you" " I had 3 kids,you know?" " I know." " I breastfed." "I bathed them,I diapered them." " I was just" " This baby hates me." "He doesn't hate you." "He needs to have his back rubbed,ok?" "Just take him." "I just gave him to you." "Honey,give him a couple more seconds." "Take him." "Tommy..." "Look,don'T...dwell on it,ok?" "It's just--you know." "This baby hates me." "He--honey,he's a baby." "He doesn't even know what hate is." "He's a gavin." "He was born to hate." "You know,come to think of it,I think he's all gavin." "Half johnny,half you." "Ok,you know what?" "This--if he was half johnny, he'd--he'd hate me,and he doesn'T." "He loves me--look." "Well,he still kind of looks like me,right?" "I mean,he's got the blond peach fuzz coming in." "Yeah,but that doesn't mean anything." "In a couple of months, he could end up with a full head of jet black hair." "I got to go." "No,tommy,tommy,please don't go." "Honey,I got to go to work,ok?" "Well,then we got to hire some help, because I am losing my mind here." "We went over this a million times,ok?" "I--you know, I can't work any extra jobs right now because of the kids, so we don't have money to" "No,I'm going to get a job." " Did you just say that you're going to" " Yeah." "I'll get a job." "I have friends who can sit for me." "What are you going to--what are you going to do?" "Real estate." " Well" " Like they--like you" " I'm good in sales." "You--what?" "You're good at" "Ok,tommy,what if you end up in jail and the F.D.N.Y. Cancels your pension?" "I'm not going to jail,ok?" "Tell you what,while you're out selling property, take little no-name with you and maybe he can sell some little tiny little properties¡ª" "Thank you,dr." "Laura." "I wonder if it's unhealthy to maintain a relationship with someone who's dead?" "Well, it's kind of one-sided." " Yeah, but it's" " It's one-sided and-  well, you can't call it a relationship." " Why not?" "I can't" "Yeah?" "Hey." "Hey,was that--was that dr." "Laura?" "Yeah, my radio froze." "Dumb car, heater's not working." "What's going on?" "What's going on with teddy?" "Uh, giving the case to the jury within the week." "Looks good for him." "For you?" "Not so much." "Hey, tom, I heard from my guy inside the insurance company..." " Yeah, and?" " It's definitely your signature on both policies." " Life and fire." " Ok, I never signed anything." " Yeah, well, someone did." " Well, it wasn't me." "Jesus christ,tom,you have got to pull your act together,you know?" "Every time you go in there, you give them a different story, which at this point is making things look very,very suspicious." "Well, I--I can't remember everything,eddie." "All right?" "Yeah,well, being a drunken fool is just not going to fly." " You know?" "Tom,make something up." " So you want me to lie?" "Yes, through your goddamn teeth,I want you to lie." " Well--I can't do that." " You--you" "What's so funny?" "You can't lie?" "L-look,I can lie to,you know, my wife,my kids,the guys at work,you know?" "The guys at headquarters--cops." "Yeah,I can do that kind of lying." "That's like aaa ball,you know what I mean?" "But these--these are lawyers." "This is,you know--this is major league pitching here." "These guys, you know--I'm good,but I'm not that good." "Listen to me." "We have got one more shot at this, tom,day after tomorrow.All right?" "Now you come up with a story that makes plausible sense, practical sense." "Oh,and wear a dress shirt, for christ sakes,with a jacket." "Asshole." "...Difficult one to explain.Her dad was married" "Jesus..." " hey." " Hey." "Hey.What's going on?" "Freezing our balls off.The heat's out." "Thank god for propane,you know?" "Uh,fredo, you mentioned just a second ago,uh,propane." "Interesting fun fact--did you know that propane is both a liquid and a gas?" "At atmospheric pressure and temperatures above -44 fahrenheit, it's a non-toxic,odorless,colorless gas, and like natural gas, it has an identifying odor added to it so it can be detected readily." "Yeah, you" "You know,I still don't know what you guys like to talk about." "Pussy.That's always a good choice." "Hey,this just in,chief.The power's out." "Ah, jeez, when it rains,it pours." "We're on ***** so if you want to read or you want to take a shit or you want to do both at the same time, you better take one of these." "Jesus,tommy,you look like shit." "I was up and down with the baby most of the night,ok,so" " Oh,you know,you just missed your girlfriend" " Not my girlfriend,ok?" "Second of all--barely a firefighter,ok?" "Volley.Goddamn volley." "Yeah,volley or no volley, she pulled your ass out of a fire,bro." "That alone, you owe her dinner,right?" "Ok, I'm going to take her to dinner,ok?" " What's the big thing?" "I mean" " There's no big thing." "She lifted you up off a hot melting floor, she slung you over her shoulder," " she carried you outside-- - allegedly." "Like you yourself have done a million times." "Yeah,not to mention she probably slipped you a little tongue when she was giving you mouth-to-mouth.Right?" "Just like you yourself have done at least,you know" "Once.Ok?" "Did it once.Twice." " 2 times,that was it." " Hey,you know what?" "This is really weird about this." "Like the whole chick-saving-you thing, it's like a role reversal thing,you know?" "It's like lois lane saving superman." "My hoops are here.Guys,help my cousin unload this." "Will you get mikey,please?" " What?" "What?" "What hoops?" " Oh, basketball hoops." "Yeah,I got 2 brand-new backboards,N.B.A. Style." "I got floor paint, I got a brand-new box of balls,the whole 9 yards." " For what?" " For the b-ball court we're putting in the basement." " Hey!" "B-ball-- - what?" "Vito, how's it going?" "3 hours on the goddamn B.Q.E. With ****" "And cold goddamn coffee,that's how it's going." "Ok,I thought we were putting a street hockey court in--in the basement." " Nope.Nixed--new york nixed." " Since when?" "Uh,since last night." "Listen,I got a couple guys helping." "We're going to help you unload all this crap, ok?" "What do you mean, since last night?" "I don't" "We--we took a vote, ok?" "By email." "You can't--I don't do email." "You can't take a vote by email." "What smells like puke?" "You're a regular riot." "Can I talk to you over here?" " Funny guy, my cousin." " Yeah,he's very funny." "So you guys took a vote and I'm not included?" "What's that about?" "Look, we--the crew decided that matters concerning the future of this house should be voted on by guys who are actually going to be here in the future." " Ok, what?" "Huh?" " Yeah,well,you know, the word on the street is you're going to jail." "Ok,I don't know what street that is, but that's the wrong street," " 'cause I'm not going to jail." " I'm just saying" " Well,that's now what I hear." " Jesus." "I got a friend down at H.Q." "He says they're this close to getting rid of you." " Wh-what's your friend's name?" " Kenny o'connell." " Maybe he could help me out." " Nah, hates your guts." " Why?" " Well,he says at some christmas party a couple of years ago," " he was passed out" " Shaved his eyebrows,yeah,yeah,yeah." " That kenny o'connell,ok.Well" " They never grew back." " Really?" " Yeah." " That's a shame." " Yeah.Well,you know,I can give him a call." "It's better than seeing him in person." "It's just...all forehead." " Hey" " Stay away from my balls." "Did we or did we not have the worst firehouse basketball team in the history of firehouse basket basketball before 9/11,am I not wrong?" "Yes--no, no, you're right.It's true, but that was back when all we had to offer was franco and nels and those 8 spastic giants from the engine,ok?" " Yeah.What do you have to offer" " Listen, my spies are telling me that coming through the probie class right now is a black kid, afro-american,as kramer might say, who is so goddamn good as an outside shooter, people are calling him the next jackie ryan." " Jackie ryan--the jackie ryan?" " Yes, the jackie ryan." "And I'm making a play to get him assigned to this house, and if that happens,ok,you will notice a widening suspicious stain on the front of my person." "Do not be alarmed." "Just know that I'm very happy and go about your business." "Uh,mikey's laying down in the bunkroom." " So wake him up." " Yeah, I tried." " And?" " I mean,I think he's" "I think he's dead." "Look at him.He looks so peaceful." "That's because he's an idiot." "It's his look.In a fire,after a fire, on his way home from a fire,awake,asleep, it's always the same look.You check his pulse?" " I didn't--should I?" " No, see--that's your look." " He's peaceful,you're befuddled." " Get out of the way." " Uh, excuse me?" "Befuddled?" " Confused." "You know, I'm really pissed off about this basketball thing." "Excuse me,I know what befuddled means,thanks." "Yeah, it's because tommy just told you it means "confused,"asshole." "No, it's not." "I know because I just know, all right, jerk?" "Yeah, yeah, he's alive.Hey, mikey." " Hey, hey!" " Mike, wake up, buddy." "You allright?" "Oh, thank god.Hey." "Oh, hey, guys." "Wow." "How long was I out for?" "How the hell do we know?" "What time did you get here?" " I don't know." "I had a colon-scopy this morning" " Colonoscopy." "Oh, and they give you drugs and stuff." "Yeah, I guess shoving a 5-foot long camera up your ass falls into the "and stuff" category." "Well, my mom's been sick lately and there's a history of colon cancer in my family, so I thought I'd play it safe and check out the situation and stuff." "Yeah,you know,you say "and stuff" one more time, I'm going to shove my flashlight up your ass." "Yeah, that'd be the second time today." "Hey, did you vote "ye this basketball court thing?" " You looked stressed out,tommy." " Yeah, a little stressed out." "The basketball thing, haven't had sex or a smoke in 9 months, and I just found out everybody I know pretty much thinks I'm going to jail, so, you know, yeah--stressed?" "Yeah, little bit." " Well, hey, look at the bright side." " Which is what?" "When you're in jail,there's probably going to be a lot of black guys, and they're probably going to play a lot of hoops." " So?" " So when you get out, you'll be a lot better.Or good, at least." " See, that's his look." " What is it, angry?" " Murderous." " You're not getting that basketball court." "Yeah, what're you going to do, shiv me?" " So are you a, uh--you're a cat lover?" " I am, yeah." " You have cats at home?" " I do." "I have 4." "Oh, great, we--we have a bunch of cats trapped on the second or third floor." "Yeah, I heard them meowing and I went up there, but they're trapped up under this loft and they won't come down." " Poor things, they got to be frozen solid." " Yeah, well, cat-sicles.My favorite treat." "All right,lads." "Let's leave the tanks and bring the catnip." " Garrity, g-give him a hand." " Yeah." " Was it wrong that I called?" " Uh, no, no." "Trapped cats." "You know, one man's blessing is another man's 911 call." "Goddamn cats." "How come it's never anything worthwhile trapped inside a building,like gold ingots." "Musket and ingots within 5 minutes." "Sounds like someone's been playing scrabble with rain man again." "He had a lot of ts." " You're voting for that hockey rink." " What are you talking about?" "You're voting for that hockey rink, or I'm buying maggie more porn,yeah." " How did you know about that?" " Big black cocks,oh,yeah." "I know about it--her favorite genre." "Yeah,you're voting for that rink." "Now, you see, this is a wonderful apartment if you were a young couple with kids." "You have, uh, nice--lots of room, you have a beautiful draft morning, noon, and night, and there's no view, which, in this neighborhood, is a huge selling point." "You know,I can smell the cats." "I just can't see them." "Well, you know what, if they smell like puke, it's you, tom." " Hey, where are these cats?" " What are you asking me for?" "Come on, franco, the one time we actually need you to find pussy..." " Holy christ, what's this?" " Everybody all right?" " You all right, big guy?" " Whoa!" "Mikey, you all right?" " God, man!" " Whoa!" "All right!" "*Remember... *when you held my hand" "*say remember... *when you were my man" "*walk, talk, *in the name of love," "*before you break my heart, *think it over," "*roll it over in your mind" "*why don't you dance with me?" "*I'm not no limburger" "*why don't you dance with me?" "*I'm not no limburger" "*oh, yes, sir, *why don't you dance with me?" "*I'm not no limburger" "Get him up, get him away from the building." "Come on, tommy, we got to get out of here." "Come on, buddy." "Shit!" "What the hell happened?" "Well, the floor went and took part of the exterior wall with it." "We slid right out of the side of the goddamn building." "Yeah, thank god for all these stuffed animals, man." "We'd have been dead." " What's with him?" " Oh, he took a 2x4 to the balls when he landed" "First a colonoscopy, and then a 2x4." "Busy day for this kid's taint.Incoming!" "Jesus christ." "Well,at least we saved some of these cats, you know?" "I got one." "How many did we get altogether you think?" "Wait a second, where'd he go?" " Yeah, tommy's got one." " Well, that's 2." "That's pretty good." "Well, you know, one's good.One's good." " Man, hey." "I think the power's back, guys." " Oh, nice--heat!" "Very nice." " Hey, boys, how's it going?" " Hey, hey, hey!" "Yeah." "Had a buddy of mine owed me a favor over at con ed." "Had him come and rehook the whole neighborhood grid up." "Another guy I know came and kick-startd the boiler downstairs." "Tom, your wife called." "I sent that same guy over to your building," " and the heat's up and running there good, too." " Nice." " You want some coffee, boys?" " Yeah." "There's a fresh pot in there with some hot pizza in the kitchen." " All right!" "Thanks, chief." " Chief is back." " Good man." " All right." " Looking good, chief." " Thanks." " Hey, jerry." " Yeah, chief?" "Uh, I had a propane heater out here." " Yeah, down in the basement." " Thank you." " Fun fact about propane" " Pizza." "Saw you by sheila's old place the other day." "How's damien doing?" "He's doing all right." "He's like living in a studio over by N.Y.U.,You know." "Yeah, it's got to be tough for him not having his mom around to do everything for him." " Welcome to real life." " Yeah, no shit." "All right,fellas, here's the deal on the hoops situation." " Oh, we took a vote, chief." " No, there is no vote." "What do you think this is, a goddamn democracy?" "I come back to full duty in 2 weeks, and I don't want to listen to the hockey half of the house bitching and moaning about the b-ball half." "So I solved it." "Engine company's downstairs right now putting up one hoop and one hockey goal." "Ok, so let me get this straight." "Let me get this straight.We're going halfsies?" "Halfsies it is." "End of discussion." "Now I'm going home so this goddamn pizza isn't throwing me off my diet." " Enjoy, boys." " You're the man, chief." "You're the man." "I think what makes the most sense, and I've been trying to piece the evening together, is that she must have drugged me." "I think-- she couldn't get me to commit or submit to what she wanted,which was, you know, for me to give up my job as a fireman and to move into this house with her." "And I'll tell you something else--I'm-- she mu she must have forged my name on documents for that house." "What, um, what substance do you believe she might have drugged you with?" "But I Viagra or something." " I'm not going to say that." " Just say it." " I'm not saying it." " Say it." " I'm not." " Say it." " Get out of here." " Say it, wimp." " Hey, hey." " Oh, sorry, hey,it's me." " Hey." " Hi." " Hi." " I'm sorry." "I didn't mean to wake you, but it seemed like you were having a really bad dream,so..." "Oh, I was, yeah." " You ok?" " Yeah." "Oh, nice dress." "Oh--thank you." "I am, um,going to wear it to the dinner, so I'm glad you like it." "I got it at barney'S." "Usually I don't go there 'cause it's, you know,too fancy, but there's a warehouse sale twice a year, so I bought this and another one that I may wear,but probably this one." " Um, dinner." " Yeah, next tuesday night." " Do my knees look chubby in this?" " Uh, no." "No." "It's a little spanish place downtown and it's very, very expensive, and you're paying." "Oh, ok." "Now, this is...tuesday?" "We're going out?" "You know, after I saved your life, you asked me if there was anything that you could do for me" " and I said,"yes, you can take me to dinner."" " I--yeah." "Really haven't mentio so I decided to take the bull by the horns and wrestle it to the ground--give me your hand." "Look, it's very difficult for me to get into the city." "So I need a few days notice." "So tuesday night--say it." " What?" " Tuesday night--say it." " Yes." "Ow, tuesday." "Tuesday." " tuesday night" " Tuesday, 7:00." " Ok-  jesus." "Ow." " No excuses." " Ok, but" " Ok." "Listen, I'll call you tuesday at 6:00 and I will give you the name and the address of the place, and, uh, toodles." "Ok, ok, you know, I have a brand-new baby at home." " Yeah, I don't care." " Uh, ok." "And, you know, I have a wife." "Tell me--an ex-wife." " But she lives with me." "0" " Don't care." " Ok." "Toodles." "Ow." "Are you sure you want to do his?" "Yes, I--I've been thinking a lot about it and I think that the fact that you like porn is,um, really special,so I want to do it for us,you know?" "Rather than be freaked out by it, I want to just embrace it,you know?" "I mean, you like some of my hobbies." " Like what?" " Uh, you know...walking." "Um, and my trains." "You really-- ok, actually, you don't, but I am going to do it for us." " Ok." " Ok, here we go.Ready?" "Ok." "*****" "****" "Hey, baby, I haven't seen richie since I got here." " Where is he?" " Uh, he called.He's at the center." "He's got some new friend down there or something." "Oh, right." "So, uh, I guess that means, you and me, we havesome alone time, right?" " I'm reading, franco." " Oh, come on, you want to fool around?" "I'm in the middle of a chapter." "Well, you know what?" "I'm in the middle of a chapter, too." "It's chapter 7, actually--franco needs sex." "Oh, ok, well, let's skip to another chapter." "What's chapter 2?" "Uh, franco needs sex." "Don't even ask about the other chapters." " They're all franco needs sex." " That's right." "Except for the last chapter, which is franco falls asleep after sex." " Come on, baby." " Uh, I'm almost done reading." "Give me 15 minutes." "You know, I, uh,I almost died today." " What?" " Yeah." "Yeah, we were in this,uh,this warehouse." "You know,the whole floor just--just collapsed." "It was a really weird fire." "If the side of the building hadn't blown out, the whole crew--we'd all be toast." "Oh, my god." "You poor guy." "Oh, come here." "...guess I have to almost die more often, huh?" "Oh, my god, that's so phony." "Maggie, come on--she's totally acting." "I've been with a lot of girls in my life and I've never heard a woman moan like that,ever." " No kidding." " What?" "Nothing." "Oh, and now the other guy shows up?" "Come on." "He's going to join in?" "That never happens.That's ridiculous." "What the hell's he going to do with the pepper mill?" " Sean, that's not a pepper mill." " Oh, my god." "Oh!" "So what are you going to say?" "Well, I guess we're going to find out,huh?" "You could just tell the truth." "Which would be what?" "That you were shit-faced and horny, and then we she got pissy and afraid," " you started pushing her around and telling her" " That's not what happened,ok?" " That's not the truth." " Don't talk over me now." " Don't talk over me!" " What are you doing, jimmy?" "That's your M.O. With her,ok?" "It's your M.O. With her and janet." "Just listen to me for" "Oh, there was a, uh, a bee in there.I think I got him." "We've got $2 million on the line, and you are totally screwing this up." "Look,I knew you wouldn't sign the policies yourself." "But I knew that it was the right thing to do." "Thank god I did it, considering the circumstances." "You're stuck with a newborn child and two other kids,tommy." "Listen,we get this money, you are never gonna have to worry about anything else ever again,all right?" "Colleen's college tuition,katy's college,a trust fund for the baby." "Janet can get her own house." "The insurance payoff is gonna be,like,close to $2 million." "And,um... we can cut that right down the middle." "I got an offer on the land where the house was." "400 grand." "I don't want your money." "You're not gonna do anybody any good sitting in prison,you big dum-dum." "What the--what are you doing?" "You had a little, like,baby stink on you." "And anyway,it's curious, by britney spears." "It's fancy." "Well,the Well,the mystery's over." "She's a whore,ok?" "I want to know what really happened that night,ok?" "All of it." "You know the truth,tommy." "You're an uncontrollable alcoholic with a heavy case of survivor's guilt." "A couple of big swigs,your guilt goes right out the window,bing,bang,zoom-- you're whipping off my panties and whipping out your dick." "I saw something about it on "oprah"--the whole grieving process?" "That's how men deal with death-- they want to have a lot of sex." "They think it kills off all the emotions inside." "Oprah said that?" "She did." "What,did you buy all new stuff for this place?" "Yeah,I did." "I went to this place on fifth avenue." "I mean,you can't fill a manhattan apartment with all the same stuff that you had in bay ridge." "So what,did you spend,like, the rest of the widow money?" "I needed a place to live." "I needed a change." "Damien's at nyu." "I wanted to be close to him." "Besides which,we pull this off, this apartment is just the tip of the iceberg." "What are you doing?" "I want the truth." "Ho ho ho!" "That bowl... cost me 5 grand." "Really?" "Yeah." "Mm-hmm." "What about this?" "Listen,I told you the truth already." "Ooh!" "Look,you can destroy this whole goddamn apartment." "It's not gonna make a shit lick of a difference." "Oh." "Oh,no." "Oh,no,no,no!" "Give me that!" "Give me that!" "No,no,no,no!" "Give me that..." "Nope." "I want the whole truth." "Ok!" "God!" "Ooh..." "You were sober-- you were sober when you first came over." "***" "I remember breaking the news to you,I remember you... getting pissed off,and I remember... watching the meerkats." "You were more interested in the meerkats than my feelings." "That's such a bunch of bull" " Anyhoo!" "We watched the meerkats for" " I don't know--like, minutes or something;" "I wasn't really paying attention." "And then,that's when I realized... that apparently,this entire time... you were making drink after drink for yourself." "Actually,you weren't even making drinks;" "you were just pouring these huge glasses of vodka for yourself." "I thought that you were drinking water." "And then,the next thing I know... you were all over me, and it was getting... really hot." "And then..." "What?" "You couldn't get it up." "I tried everything." "I did." "And then,the more I tried,the madder you got." "And then you flipped out, and then you picked up this, like,vase or something--I don't know-- and hit the gas lantern antiquey thing that I bought." "And so I ran upstairs to go get the fire extinguisher... and then I heard this-- this huge explosion, and you came running up the stairs to get me, and then I saw you--I saw you fall backwards down the stairs." "So... you're telling me... you tried everything?" "Even the... tongue thing that you sometimes do?" "I tried it... twice." "I got to go." "No,wait." "I--wait." "Where are you going?" "I got to talk to eddie." "My hearing's in,like,an hour." "I'll call you when we decide which story we're gonna use." "Christ." "It's not that funny." "Oh,no,it's not just funny,man,it is brilliant." "Shh." "What,huh?" "Brilliant how?" "Because,I am telling you, this is manna from heaven." "Well,I know it's good,but-- No,no,no,listen,listen." "Every time you been in there, you been feeding them this... convoluted couple of tales of alcohol and passing out and it's all pretty suspicious." "Mm-hmm." "Right,but this-- god damn, this is perfect,you know?" "First,it tells how the fire started,right?" "Right.It was truly accidental." "Yeah." "Second,it shows you doing your dead-level best to save her,which goes to character." "And third,it gives a plausible reason why you didn't want to confess to the truth in the first place--the fact that you couldn't get it up." "Shh." "Your limp,lifeless little dick might actually save your a your ass." "Works fine now." "5 more minutes,jerry." "It's lookin' good." "Hey,ma." "How you feelin'?" "You look good." "Oh,look who's here again." "Oh,hey,marlene." "Oh,and look at the balloons and the flowers." "You're a lucky woman,mrs." "Silletti, to have such a sweet boy to take care of you." "I have to shift her now." "She's got significant skin breakdown." "You can wait outside." "Oh,I'll stay." "It's quite painful,michael." "I'm not sure you want to be here." "No,I'm not leaving her." "Michael." "I'll stay." "Ok." "Here we go,mrs." "Silletti." "Ohhh..." "Ok." "Which one is he?" "Number 11,do-rag." "Whoo,shit." "Yes." "Kid's the second coming,isn't he?" "Yeah,he's the black jackie ryan." "Why can't he just be a kick-ass baller without being the black version of some old white guy?" "'Cause I'm a lieutenant." "I get to say what I want." "I could have said he was "the chocolate jackie ryan," but I didn'T." "Jesus,even basketball makes you think of chocolate." "No,basketball makes me think of pumpkin, which makes me think of pie,which makes me think of whipped cream." "This probie makes me think of chocolate." "Oh." "Man,he does have all the skills." "Yes,he does,and everyone out here just licking their lips for him." "Look,murph the surf,75 truck." "Jimmy the jew from 66." "Hey,you know,I thought jimmy was famous for,like,hating jewish guys." "Oh,gotcha." "We're gonna have to make this kid a serious offer." "Yeah,like what?" "I don't know." "You know,no grunt work-- no sweeping the floors,no cleaning up the shitter." "Nah,nah,tommy ain't gonna go for that." "Well,you know what?" "If we want a winning hoops team again, we're gonna have to pay the price." "They're gonna offer this kid the world." "Shit,the last time murph pulled a hot shooter out of the probie school, the kid didn't even see his first fire for,like,6 months." "Ok,now,look." "Laugh,put your arm around me like I said something funny." "What?" "Come on,he's coming right over here." "I want to promote racial harmony in the house." "Come on,quick." "All right,promise me I don't have to clean the kitchen after dinner next shift." "Blow me." "All right." "No kitchen deal,no racial harmony." "Here he comes." "Ok,ok,ok." "Fat-ass irish donkey." "You sneaky little spic." "Hello?" "Franco,it's me." "High-five me." "Uh,hey,what's going on,man?" "I need you to come get me." "Go low." "Uh,richie,I'm a little bit busy right now." "And I also need $2,000. 4." "What?" "Where are you?" "Oh,what?" "Is it impossible for you to put your own lunch in knapsack?" "You know,when I was your age" " You didn't have backpacks or buses or electricity." "Very funny,smarty pants." "Did you wake up your sister?" "She's already gone." "Oh,ok." "Good." "So go." "Go." "Go,go,go." "Mom?" "Mm-hmm?" "Does the new baby hate you?" "No,no,of course not." "It's just--he's colicky, which means" " He pukes a lot.I know." "Can we name him puke face?" "No." "Ok,go,go,go." "Go." "Bye,mom." "Bye,puke face." "Hey." "Flying colors,huh?" "Well,the doctors have to check all the bells and whistles,you know-- ekg and blood work." "Someone from headquarters will give you a call." "Ah,that's great." "Look,I never felt better in my life." "I just had to buy a new suit for my son's wedding." "Old one's too big." "Good for you." "Congratulations on both fronts." "Mm-hmm." "So do you like his fiancee?" "Yeah." "She's a real doll." "Good." "And as I was showing a customer these rings,your...son?" "Brother... in-law,possibly,in the future." "He grabbed one and stuck it in his mouth." "Nigger." "Ok,that's it." "Look,I don't care if he is retarded." "If he says that again,we're gonna have a serious problem." "Sir,I understand,all right?" "He's got,like,a tourette's thing going on and he's a little,you know,slow." "Richie,just please apologize." "No." "Rich." "I want that ring,franco." "Buy me that ring!" "That ring costs more than i make in a goddamn month,rich." "Hey,hey,yo." "I'm sorry." "We can't afford to buy anything in here,all right?" "Now,rich,please,say you're sorry." "I'm very,very sorry I tried to eat the ring." "And I'm sorry that we wasted your time tonight,ok?" "Come on,rich." "I'm sorry." "Whoa." "That is dope." "Uh,sir,I'm sorry." "Just on a lark,what would something like that ring right there-- what would that go for?" "That would be 37... hundred." "Hundred." "My girlfriend would love that one,too." "Yeah,well,you know, quite frankly,rich, we could buy your girlfriend a beveled glass doorknob and it'd keep her mollified for at least a month." "You know where to get one of those?" "Yeah." "Come on." "Dr. Lowry?" "Oh,mike." "Good morning." "Morning.She seems,uh,worse today." "She's--she's coughing a lot." "Mike,we got the most recent blood work back and the biopsy." "Yeah?" "It's not good." "She's she's got two more major malignant polyps, and the lower intestine is being eaten away very quickly." "We can't remove any more of it." "We could operate again, but we'd have to operate several more times over the next few weeks." "Or we could try another round of aggressive radiation therapy, which would significantly weaken her immune system." "I'm afraid that's her best chance." "So,um,she's gonna be fine then?" "Ok.Michael,I want you to listen to me very carefully." "It's not good." "The chances of your mother's recovery are very,very,very... slim." "You mean, like--like... like slim like when the red sox are down to the yanks 3 games to zero, and they're,like, suddenly" " Slim to none,ok?" "Slim to none." "Closer to none." "Much closer." "Wow." "Talk about dropping the bomb." "And that's my mom we're talking about,not some goddamn baseball team." "I--I know my mom." "She... she's like--she's like the babe ruth of moms." "If anyone can beat cancer,she can." "What?" "Mike,babe ruth--he,uh... he actually died from cancer." "Oh." "Yeah,ok." "Look,I'm really sorry,michael." "I'll talk to you later,ok?" "Hey." "Hey." "How's the coffee?" "Coffee's good." "Was that your,um" " That was--that was my porno,yeah." "Wow." "I just started thinking about it from your point of view,sean." "And I thought about it and i realized that I was wrong and you were right." "I was emasculating you in order to get myself off." "I was injecting my former fantasies into a present-day relationship." "Totally unfair,totally unnecessary,'cause I have you." "You are so sweet and gorgeous, and you're here and now." "So I'm all done with porno." "I'm all yours,sean." "Wow,that's--thank you so much,maggie,really." "That's just a really nice gesture on your part,really." "So good." "Ok." "Ok,'cause I was getting sick of always hiding that box." "Yeah,I was getting sick of looking for it." "Yeah,and always having to dust off those dvds." "Can't imagine how dusty they get." "Yeah." "Yeah,so I guess it's back to the old spank bank for mags." "Hey,honey,did you get my tampons?" "Honey,jesus." "Did you just say... maggie?" "Did you just say "spank bank"?" "Well,yeah." "Wow." "So you--you actually have a" " A spank bank?" "Yeah,yeah,a huge one." "Oh,I know,I know." "You think only men have spank banks." "But don't forget that I grew up around tommy,the king of the spank bank." "I learned from the master how to store up all my eager little fantasies and then access them in my mind whenever I feel the need to get off." "Huh." "I haven't done that in a while,though." "Speaking of which,don't you have somewhere you have to be?" "Well,I--no,I--not at all,really." "What,what?" "You don't have a spank bank?" "Yeah,of course I have a spank bank." "I'm a guy,but-- So am I in it?" "Yeah,yeah,of course." "You're in it in a variety of ways." "What about me?" "Am I in yours?" "Well,I--I'm gonna be putting you in this afternoon." "Maggie" " I just said I haven't been using the goddamn thing!" "Sean,sean,sean.Sweetie.Ahem." "I,uh..." "I feel,uh,like I'm better prepared to,uh, illuminate you about what went on that night." "And why would that be,mr." "Gavin?" "Well,um... you know,I've put--ahem--I've put some thought into it--ahem." "And I think,um,um... uh,you know,I'm more capable of--of presenting the facts." "Perfect." "We are eager to listen." "Um--ahem." "Does she have to be in here?" "Yes,she does." "She's the recording secretary." "Please,continue,mr." "Gavin." "Hey,tommy,how'd it go in there?" "It went fine,all right?" "It went fine." "Hey,don't worry about the chick,huh?" "All right?" "Who's she gonna tell?" "15,20 people,tops." "Look,the important thing is that sheila is backing us up." "We're ready for you." "Now after we get past this thing, the next fire you have to put out is the one down at headquarters,all right?" "I called down there about 10 times already." "Nobody's calling me back." "Fdny,man." "Ain't like it used to be." "It's all bea it's all bean counters and brown nosers now." "Guys like me?" "Dying breed." "Oh,yeah." "Yeah,with the drinking and the drugging and the mistresses and the lying and the cheating,yeah." "World ain't what it used to be,huh,tom?" "Hey,we got to go." "Teddy's jury just came in." "Is that good or bad?" "Look,if I had to bet right now on your case or teddy's,I'd have to call it even." "Why's that?" "Because they both hinge on the same thing." "Which is?" "Dead dicks.Ha ha ha!" "So,no slide show then,right?" "Dad." "Come on.I mean,you were such a cute kid." "Remember when you had that lead in the elvis musical?" ""Bye,bye,birdie." "" Dad" " Yeah,and how about the junior prom,the beach?" "Remember,tommy had that really,really bad sunburn?" "Dad,no slide show." "It's a wedding reception, not a birthday party." "Just a quick little speech." "Hey!" "Ok,I got it." "Who told you to move this shit?" "Hey." "Hey,jer,how are you?" "Well,I'm doing ok." "I just come back from my stress test,passed with flying colors." "That's great." "Yeah,it's great." "You believe these ...?" "What are you standing around for?" "Oh,wait,needles.Hold on,guys." "I told them to do that." "It's been just sitting there for about 5 years." "Nobody's touched it." "Just taking up space,so i figured I'd put the lockers back where they used to be, and then I want to take a couple of" " I touch it." "Huh?" "Yeah,me and chief pecker." "We got a best-of-7 going." "We play between shifts." "I'm up 3-nothing." "Oh.Oh,well,good." "Then I'll just have them throw it down in the basement so this way you guys" " No,you see,it's better up here." "That way,if we get a call, we just jump in the suburban." "You're shittin' me I mean, you want me to rearrange my rearrangement because of you two julio fangulios?" "Oh,ok.Hey,guys,guys." "Give us a minute,huh?" "Thank you." "All right,look,jer, this is your house." "I know that." "But me and chief pecker,you got to give us a break here." "What?" "Hey,look,we're covering for you, and we got no problem doing it." "Happy to help,jerry,but you come waltzing in here, these guys don't know which way to look." "I mean,it's hard enough to keep these mugs in line, but we're doing our best." "You can't keep whacking us off at the knees like this." "Oh,is that what I'm doing?" "I'm just saying,jer" " And I'm just saying to you,needles, you just shut your mouth and tell chief peckerhead to do the same thing." "You want to go and play chief,you go play in some other goddamn house." "This is my house." "I make the rules,all right?" "These are my guys." "I keep these mugs in line,and that's including you and the other guy." "Now,I'm gonna go upstairs in my office and get it ready for when I come back to full duty in a couple of weeks." "You want to make yourself useful?" "Go get me a cup of coffee." "Make it black." "Get that piece of shit out of here and put the lockers back where I told you to." "Hello?" "Yeah, this is she." "Her absence?" "When, today?" "No, no, that's not possible." "No, I mean, I didn't see her leave for school this morning." "I have a new baby here, but every other day this week, she's left at her regular time." "3 days?" "Ok, thank you." "A victory celebration this morning at the courthouse in lower manhattan, as 54-year-old theodore gavin is being released." "Gavin's closely watched murder trial ended moments ago when the jury handed down a not-guilty verdict, a result influenced in no small part by the very vocal support gavin received from the mothers against drunk driving." " Mr. Gavin, how do you feel?" " I feel great!" "I want to thank the girls from mothers against drunk driving." "They do nice work, and the first thing I'm gonna do today is raise a glass in their honor." "Not while driving, of course." "Mr. Gavin, now that you're a free man, what are you looking forward to most?" "Oh, I'm looking forward to a lot of things:" "A nice, big breakfast, a trip up to aqueduct, and finally being able to sleep on my stomach again!" "See ya!" "So how's your thing going, tommy?" "Well, I'm waiting to hear, you know?" "Good.I hope you don't have to go to jail." " Yeah, me, too." " What'd you say that for?" " Hello?" " I'm trying to be nice." " Hey, it's me." " What's up?" "Hey, colleen hasn't been to school in at least 3 days." "What?" "Yeah, and that's not the worst part." "I think she may have run away." " Why?" " Why?" "Oh, let's see.Your affair with her aunt, your possible jail sentence, your drinking." "Yeah, how about your affair with my brother and then having an affair with me while you're having an affair with my brother, huh?" "How about that?" "Sorry, it's the wife." "You know?" "I don't mean "why"-- psychologically, emotionally "why"" "I mean, "why do you think she ran away" why?" "Because she emptied out her bra and panty drawer, and no girl does that unless she's leaving for a long, long time." "Hey." "When a girl takes off and she takes all her bras and panties with her, what does that mean?" "It means she's going to the laundromat." "Really?" "Yeah, and she's never back." "Where are you?" "I'm in a car with teddy and ellie." "He just got off." " Oh, um, tell her I said hello." " Janet says hello." " And congratulate teddy." " I will." "And call the police about your missing daughter." "Ok, first of all, you can't file a missing persons report for, like, the first 48 hours." " 24." " What?" "24 hours." "You can file the report in 24 hours." " How old is she?" " 18." " She have a boyfriend?" " Yeah." " Is he in a band?" " Yeah." "She'll be home in two months." "Two months?" "!" "Jesus!" " Ok, calm down." " How do you know?" "Well, I ran away with a lead guitarist when I was 18." "Then, two months later, I found him in bed with a groupie." "What'd you do?" "I joined in." "What do you mean, what did I do?" "I threw his guitar out the window and then I called my mother." "Is her boyfriend a lead singer?" " Uh, yeah." " Yes." "Well, then that's totally different." " That's different." " It is?" "Yeah, she'll be back in two weeks." " Two weeks?" " Take it easy." "Honey, stop crying." "That is not me, tommy." "That's the baby." "Give him some benadryl." "All right." "You know what, honey?" "Hang on a second." "You got a pen?" "What's this guy's name?" "Oh, uh, it's so italian." "Verucci." "Verucci, ok." "Where's he live?" " I don't know." " Great." "What's the name of the band?" "Christ, uh... something... fake baby head." "Why?" "Never mind why, ok?" "Here you go." " Jameson'S." " What?" "My mother.When we were babies, she used to put a little drop of jameson's in our bottles." "Worked like a charm." "Not in this family." "I'll call you back." "You know where the secret ingredient in jameson comes from?" " Where?" " The gavin dna." "Hey, if you see a liquor store, pull over." "See?" "That is a bad idea, tom." "Here's one." "Tom, it's a bad idea." "Pull over, eddie, pull over." "All right." "I'll see you guys later." " It's a bad idea." " Yeah, it's a bad idea." "I'm doing it." "I'll see you later." "Tom Tommy." "Tom." "Hey, tom, he's right.It's a bad idea, but since you're going in anyway, could you get me a bottle of cristal?" "Yeah, right." "Screw.I'll see you later." "Not those little shooters" " Screw!" " Would you shut up?" "Hey, I've been away for a year." "Sir." "Hey." "Um... give me a bottle of... johnnie walker blue." "Ok." " Yeah?" " "Yeah"?" "Uh, that's a nice greeting." "Who's this?" "It's nona, you asshole." "Hey, nona." "Uh, what's up?" "All right.So are we on for thursday night?" "Oh, shit." "You know what?" "Nona, I" "Tommy, you owe me." "I know." "You know what?" "I'm not really dating right now." "Oh, please." "Yeah, right." "I bought a goddamn dress." "Ok, I understand, but, you know... it just doesn't make any sense, nona." "I got my--you know, I got a baby, I got my wife." "Oh, please, not with the wife again." "Ok, you know what?" "My daughter's missing." " What?" " Yeah." "My daughter ran away." " Oh, my god." " Yeah, ok?" "I cannot believe you would stoop to this level of bullshit." "I'm not bullshitting, ok?" "She ran away with her stupid rock star boyfriend." "Ok, ok, fine." "Sorry." "Yeah, you--you should be, all right?" "So everything takes a back seat until I find her." "Yeah." "Right." "Ok." "I got to go." "Jesus." " How much?" " $229.98." "Jesus christ." "It's whiskey, right?" "40-year-old whiskey, sir." "What, are you charging me 8 bucks a year?" "There you go." "Michael." "How are you feeling?" "I want you to do something for me." "Anything, ma." "Kill me." "I'm--I'm sorry, mom." "The machines and so much stuff." "I couldn't quite catch what you said." "Kill me." "Tonight, if you can." "But, ma..." "I don't want a long, slow, ugly death, stuck in here with these vultures looming above me, waiting for me to waste away, sucking all the money I have left into their medical vacuum." "I just want to leave with dignity." "Promise me you won't let me waste away like this." "Promise me." "I love you, mom." " I don't know if I can" " You have to." "I don't want to die a penniless vegetable." "Put me out of my misery." "Please." "Ok." "I'll do it." "Good." "Mommy loves you, baby." "Now go find something to kill me with." "Honey, I got to get something out in the open." " What?" " I know how you are." "You're into guys that are cooped up, and once they get sprung, you lose interest." "At least that's how it's been, right?" " Oh, but" " Let Let me finish, darling." "The way I feel about you," "I'll cut right to the chase." "You want to let me go, do it now." "Don't drag it out." "I'd rather get my heart broken now." "Oh, theodore." "You're right." "I used to be that way." "But I've changed." "Your love has transformed me." "I will never leave you, never." "Oh... that's fantastic." "I got to go to the can." "Hey, where do the probie wannabes come out after their-- thank you." " Kenny shea." " Hey, jimmy the jew." " Not funny." " Very funny." "If you're waiting on that black point guard, get in goddamn line." " Who says I'm waiting on him?" " Common goddamn sense." " He's mine." " Oh." "You know, here's a heads-up." "A guy named abraham lincoln freed the slaves, and then lbj, he re-freed them." "This was decades ago." "One more thing." "There's millions and millions of jews roaming the world, untethered, including right here in the big apple." "Hell, you might as well call it the big bagel now." "I'm gettin' that kid, all right?" "And if you try to steal him away from me," "I'll use any piece of dirt I can dig up on you or gavin or anyone else in your lowlife goddamn house." "Anything." "Yeah, well..." " good luck with that." " Yeah." "Johnny always got me one of tse on my birthday." "He knew I loved the stuff." "It was during the 6 months or so it'd take me to polish it off that every time I looked the label, I'd see his name and I'd think of him." "I still think of him, tommy." "Every goddamn day, I think of him." "We all do." "But, you know, you can't go banging around every day with that kind of guilt, you know?" "I mean, my job..." "I get 5, 6 shoulda woulda coulda situations a year, and..." "I mean, 9/11 alone." "That morning, I got a" "I got a million shoulda woulda couldas just from that morning alone, you know?" "I know, man, but... he was my partner, you know?" "Anyway..." "How's--how's the baby?" "Spitting image?" "He looks, um, a lot like his mother, actually." "So, um, you remember when at johnny's funeral, you said, you know, any time I needed anything, you know, I could call you?" "Yeah, anything." "Look..." "I feel like..." "I feel like I owe your family so much, man." "Right." "Anyways... do you remember colleen, my oldest?" "She ran away with her scumbag boyfriend." " She's 18 now?" " Yeah." "Her mother just, you know, completely yessed her to death from the time--she's spoiled." "I mean, when she was small," ""yes" this, "yes" that, "anything you want, sweetheart,"" ""yes, yes, yes." Blah blah blah." "Now, of course, you know, she's 18 years old and then pulls the ultimate test on her mother-  she runs away from home." " Actually... in a lot of these cases, tommy, both parents are at fault, bro." "Yeah." "You gonna help me or what?" "We usually wait at least 24 hours." " Plus, she's legal, bro." " I understand.Are you even gonna cut me some slack or what?" "Yeah." "Give me the boyfriend's name." "This is his name." "That's a band name." "He's in a band." "Now I don't have an address or anything, but colleen told her mother that his band plays in all those joints down on the lower east side, so..." " Least I can do, bro." " Yeah." "I would hope so." "Huh?" "I said johnny--johnny'd be proud." "Always here, man." "Are you worried?" "Huh?" "I said are you worried?" "Yeah, I'm worried." "Well, how can you fall asleep, then?" "Because somewhere between... me sleeping with her aunt and you sleeping with her uncle, I thought maybe we'd come to a little bit of a mexican standoff." "Ow!" "God damn it." "You slept with sheila first." "Ok, ok." "Yeah, when we were separated." "Who had sex first, huh?" "Oh, that we can prove?" " That might be her." " Ok." "You stay here." "I'll go." "Just the neighbors." " You want a water?" " No." "Hey." "Colleen?" " Tommy?" " Yeah." "You all right?" "Yeah, I'm fine." "Tom Tommy, the baby." "Yeah, ok." "I got it, I got it." " Any word on mike's mom yet?" " No, nothing." "He's basically just gonna move in with her, sit in the room and wait." "Hey, you got something." "Huh?" "What?" "Hey, why are you touching me?" "You had some schmutz on you." "Sorry, it's the baby." "Hey, guys, uh, can I ask you something?" "Oh, here we go." "What?" "What do you mean, "here we go"?" "Well, whenever you say, "hey, guys, can I ask you something?"" "We're either gonna end up in some ridiculous, dead-end, incredibly moronic conversation, or you're gonna say something so stupid that we're gonna spend the night unable to sleep because we keep thinking back about what you said" "and laughing our tired asses off, not like it's gonna stop you." "My grandmother's lemon chicken, by the way, so eat slow, you dumb irish micks." "Proceed, sean." "Thank you." "Ok, you know how, uh... porn has come out, like, on dvd, so it's, like, really cheap and available and you can go onto the internet and it's, like, right there, kind of pop-uppable..." " Yeah?" " In your face?" "Well, here's my question:" "Do you guys--you know, do you still use... the old spank bank?" "Finally, a perfect fit for some fine dinner conversation." " Congratulations, garrity." " You're welcome." "I'll play." "My wife's a snoop." "I don't use a computer." "I hate my wife and I have a lot of romantic regrets, so my spank bank's open every goddamn day." "Who you got, "t"?" "Ellen degeneres." "What?" "You guys seen her dance?" "Ok, you know what?" "It's official now." "You definitely need some sleep.Nils?" "This chicken." "Jesus, lou." "Yeah, well, my grandmother will be very proud." "Thank you." "Frank?" "Um, yeah, you know, I usually keep a rotating stable of, like, a dozen or so women in my bank:" "Famous chicks, chicks I've saved in fires, chicks I meet at my actual bank." "That's my bank spank bank." "But ever since I met natalie, you know, she's the only one in there." "I might be in love." "Love in the spank bank." "That allowed?" "Well, in franco's case, we'll make an exception." "Who do you got, lou?" "Well, you're assuming I get to jerk off, which... in my case, seeing as how I'm dating a sex-crazed ex-nun, it's not the case." "I make a move for my joint, 9 times out of 10, she's already saddled up and ready for the ride." "All right, well, when you were jerking off?" "An eclectic mix:" "Jessica lange, jessica biel." "Jesus, lou, she's old enough to be your daughter." "Yeah, bingo." "Sally field." "Now or "gidget"?" "No, "flying nun," which might explain my current situation." "How 'bout you, hot stuff?" "Well, at this stage of the game, my wife's got a bigger bank than I do." "I'm eating." "Let me think, though." "Scarlet johansson." " Oh, yeah." " For sure." "Jennifer aniston, jennifer garner, uh, barbara hirsch." "Who?" "She was this chick I went to high school with." "Uh, brittany klein, another chick I went to high school with." "Karen posnowski." "Whoo!" "She was on the swim team." "Uh, janet." "Uh, let's see." "This chick I met, um" "Janet who?" "What?" "Janet who?" "Janet... uh, jana...kowski." "She was, uh, on the debate team." "She was so hot." "She was really--she could really debate." " Who else?" " Uh" " Shit." "Give me the knives." "What?" "What's happening?" " Give me your knife." " What's happening?" "I don't understand." "Anyway, where was I?" "Uh--oh, the chick that we-- remember the--remember the" "I think you were talking about my wife," " that's what I think." " No, god!" " I was not talking--your wife?" " Yes, you were." "You're jerking off to my wife." "No!" "Oh, my god!" "That's what you said." "Yes, you did." " Tom, I would never" " You just said it." " Yes, you did.You said" " I did not." "Yes, you did.Yes, you did." " Yes, you did." " I d I did?" "Yes, yes." "Ok, I did, but let me explain." "It was the picnic a few years ago, ok?" "Remember, she showed up with the white blouse on and it was kind of see-through, you know, and then we had a water balloon fight!" "I mean, come on!" "The water balloon fight?" "Come on.You guys remember the water balloon fight, right?" "Come on." "Guys, help me out." "Oh, my god!" "Come on!" "Ohhh..." "Tommy, listen." "You're jerking off to my wife?" " I never jerk off to janet" " Ah, ah, ah!" "Don't use her name in the same sentence." "Ok, if you just let me explain, it's very innocent." "Ok, yeah." "Explain, explain." " In my mind..." " In your mind." "She--she just kind of wanders in" " and she happens" " She wanders in where?" "She wanders into my mind, and she comes in wearing the same white blouse, and it's see-through and wet and clingy," " and she tries to seduce me, ok?" " And she does what?" "She--she tries to seduce me, ok?" "She tries to un--un..." " blouse herself." " Janet tried to unblouse herself?" "From the clingy, wet blouse, but here's the thing." "I don't--I don't do it." "I run--I run away." "I run into the arms of janet-- janet-fer aniston." "You believe--this is-- he's married to my sister and he's jerking off to my wife." " No, I'm not." " I mean, I--I--y-yeah." "It's just a matter of time before my 18-year-old daughter." "Excuse me." "Come here!" "Never fails." "Yeah?" "********* ******" "They said that we should know something in the next couple days." "Who Who was the guy?" " What guy?" " The guy." "I know." "Just kidding." "What do you mean?" "You don't remember him?" " No." " That's my vollie." "That's my lifesaver." "He's the one that pulled me out." "You're dating the guy who saved your life?" "Yeah!" "He's cute, he's sweet, he's strong." "He's 12, ok?" "Such a cliche." "You know what?" "I got to tell you something." "You know what?" "I got to go." "Hello?" "Hey, nona, what's going on?" "You ready for our, uh, big date?" "Oh, tommy." " Yeah, I thought you had a, um" " No." " You gonna back out on me?" " No." "So, I thought you had to find your daughter." "Yeah, yeah, we found her." "Oh." "Well, that's great." "So thursday, right?" "Yes, it's a date." "All right." "I'll call you tomorrow." " Ok." " All right." "Luis, what's up?" " I got her." " You found her?" "Yeah." "Ninth, between "c" and "D."" "Ok, I'm on my way." "This guy's been picked up before, tommy." "Drug possession, drunk and disorderly, multiple times." "Yeah, what a surprise." "I got no reason to shake him down right now, so... hurry up." "Ok, I'm coming now." "I'll be there in 5 minutes." "Guys, they found colleen." "Let's go." "Hey!" "Where you going?" "They found colleen." "Faster, nils." "Hey, tom, we're not even legally on a call, all right?" "You know, you got insurance investigators breathing down your neck, we got headquarters crawling up your ass." "Do you really want more shit on the plate right now?" "It's my goddamn daughter, lou." "Jesus, tommy." "I didn't think you were bringing The ninth cavalry with you." "Are they here?" "Yeah, apartment 4f." "This Building here." "You gotta let me know," "I don't really have a plan right now." "Hey, garrity,bring that halligan." "Tommy, go easy." "I'm outta here." "Tommy!" "What?" "Is there a fire?" "Excuse me." "Colleen!" "Excuse me." "What's going on?" "Colleen!" "Whoa." "Whoa." "Where is she?" "You must be mr." "Gavin." "Colleen." "That's mr." "Gavin to you, ok?" "That's what i just said." "What?" "Shut up, ok?" "Colleen." "Daddy?" "Oh, my god." "Ah, ah." "Blinders." "Blinders." "Blinders." "Yeah, yeah." "Let me tell you somethin'." "Yeah." "This better not go in the" "It's not goin' In the spank bank." "Better not." "I promise." "Right." "Go ahead." "Go put some clothes on." "Let's go." "We're goin'." "Let's go." "What?" "Come on." "Jesus." "Mr. Gavin, please." "It's not what it looks like." "Fake baby head?" "That's the name Of my new band." "Yeah, you can, um, Hit him now." "Wh--please, mr." "Gavin," "Just let me just explain, ok?" "Explain what, how you Kidnapped my daughter?" "He didn't!" "You know what?" "God, dad!" "Aah!" "Aah!" "What?" "!" "Dad, this is so embarrassing." "Get your" "What can i say?" "She's in love with me." "She's--let me explain Something, ok?" "She's an 18-year-old Filled with raging" "Hormones who also happens to be A rock-'n'-roll fanatic,all right?" "If that couch was the Lead singer in fake baby head," "She'd be having sex with it, ok?" "You follow?" "Yeah, i do." "All right, good." "Look, i" "Ooh." "Whoa." "You touched me." "Guys, did you just see that?" "No,no, no.eyes down." "We got the blinders on." "Ok, look up now, assholes." "Look, sorry." "I was just Trying to get your attention." "Oh, you--you got my attention." "Come here." "Come over re." "Yeah." "Let me ask you something?" "Does that, uh,nose ring hurt?" "What?" "The nose ring." "Does it hurt?" "No." "No?" "That's interesting." "Um," "How about now?" "Huh?" "Stop." "No." "Daddy!" "I'm not going." "Grab her jacket, guys." "Let's go." "Out, out, out," "Colleen." "Colleen.let's go." "Dad, get off of me!" "Get in the truck." "Stop it!" "No!" "Get in the truck." "No!" "No!" "I'm not going with You anywhere." "Sto p it." "Stop!" "Get in the goddamn truck." "No!" "I'm not going with you!" "I told your mother i was Bringin' you home." "Let's go." "No!" "I can't live with Your shit anymore!" "Ok?" "there's no screaming or Fighting or drinking here." "Ok, there's a little bit of drinking, but" "But i never wake up to find my Father passed out on the couch." "You don't own me anymore." "I'm legal!" "And i'm staying here with someone who Loves me and who treats me with respect." "Eat shit and die, Dad." "Go to hell." "Colleen." "You know, you could have come to me And we could have discussed a plan" "A plan based on common sense," "Ok, on how she felt And on how i felt." "But no,as usual,all you could do Was think about how you felt." "You know, at this point," "I would think that acting like an animal Would no longer even be an option." "You know, w-when are you gonna get it" "Through someone in the face Is not going to solve anything?" "Huh?" "When?" "Oh, my god." "Is he asleep?" "No." "I don't think so." "Shh.shh, shh, shh, shh, shh." "You know what?" "Keep--keep criticizing me." "I think It's--i think it's workin'." "What?" "Yeah." "Lay it on me." "It's not like that's gonna be a problem." "I mean,i could go on all day about What a lousy father you are." "That's right." "Hmm?" "And about how controlling And manipulative you can be." "That's right." "Daddy's very controlling." "Yes, he can." "Ok, you wanna know What you're gonna do?" "What?" "You're gonna go back to tony's And you are gonna apologize." "I certainly am not." "No, i'm not." "Tommy, you are going over there To apologize.i'm not apologizing." "Because that is the only way that We might get our daughter back." "And now," "I'm gonna continue to bad-mouth You from this other room here" "Because the mere sight of Your daddy is making me sick." "And now you," "Your daddy is a selfish, Selfish prick." "Mm-hmm." "Yes, he is." "You gotta do Somethin'for me, stu." "I gotta be able to Take that test again." "Jerry, i looked at your file." "Your heart, you got Permanent damage." "I'm in the best goddamn Shape of my life." "Doesn't matter." "Could run a goddamn marathon," "But have a heart attack Clipping your toenails." "Plus all that shit in Your lungs from ground zero." "I'm not saying you're Gonna die tomorrow," "But i wouldn't be buying Green bananas, you know?" "Jesus, stu." "I'm kidding, sort of." "Look,the department Can't take the chance." "They give you another Shot at the test" "You croak during it or on The job later,they're screwed." "Your family could take the City to the goddamn cleaners." "Look, i got some cash." "It's not much, but we could Grease somebody's palm." "You" "Jerry, stop." "Time to hang it up." "I gotta get back, stu." "I got nothin' else." "Ok, let me run something by you." "I got an opening in my department here." "I could use a vet like you." "What, pushing' a pencil?" "You move paper around,look Busy a couple hours a day." "Jerry, i'm 10 years down here." "Life ain't so bad." "10 years chained To a desk,huh?" "Beats bustin' your Hump out on the job." "You don't freeze In the winter." "You don't sweat In the summer." "Take home a nice paycheck," "And you got somewhere To go 5 days a week." "And, oh,heh." "You don't burn to death." "Think about it, huh?" "Hey." "How are you?" "Good." "Good." "What are ya readin'?" "Um, article about, Uh,john mccain." "Thinkin' of votin' For him." "Good man." "I think he's the-- He's the way to go in..." "Really?" "Two thousand--yeah." "I'm-- I'm not done with it yet." "You all right?" "Yeah, fine." "Why?" "I don't know." "You just --you look a little, uh," "Weary,sleepy, somethin'." "Newborn baby At home." "Hello." "Right." "Yeah." "Of course." "Not to mention," "My wife bustin'my balls About that colleen thing" "Heh heh." "Yeah." "She wants me to Apologize to the stupid prick." "Yeah." "The--the baby?" "No, no." "You're--of course you're Not talkin' about the baby." "You're--you'r Talkin'about" "Colleen's..." "Yeah." "Yeah, boyfriend." "Ahem." "Right." "Imagine me goin' and Apologizin' to--pss pss" "That guy?" "Yeah." "I...i mean..." "Yeah." "I mean, i can" "Imagine it." "You know,i think you were a little --i'm gonna stop talking now." "What are you" "What are you watchin'?" "It's a--pfft." "It's a gay guy sellin' Revitalizin'skin cream." "Is that like a soap?" "No, it's like a --you know,face cream." "So gay, you know?" "like..." "Yeah.i mean,you want Cream on your face," "Right,blow your boyfriend." "Ha ha ha ha!" "Hey, you know what?" "Mikey uses that stuff." "I've seen it." "This stuff?" "Yeah." "He's got it." "Here?" "Yeah." "I've seen it in his locker." "He puts it on before And after every shift." "Pussy." "Yeah." "We should bust his balls about that." "Yeah." "No, definitely." "Jesus." "Look like a hag." "Hey." "What're you doing?" "Oh, i was" "For some, uh, Toothpaste, and..." "Good morning, gents." "This rolled onto the floor." "What're you doing with My reading glasses?" "Uh, they--they were on The floor with this cream." "Hey, listen." "Garrity said" "Janet wants you to apologize to" "That little prick jagger so you" "Can get colleen back." "Yeah." "You believe that shit?" "I mean, apologies don't mean Shit to a--to a teenage girl," "All right?" "You gotta take a Beating if you wanna win her back." "What do you mean, like "take a beating" take a beating?" ""take a beating" Take a beating?" "Gonna have to go over there." "You're gonna have to mix" "It up again with him, But this time," "You do You gotta get him so pissed" "At you that he really really, Really just wants to kill you." "You know, so just be yourself." "And then you take the beating Like the little bitch that you are." "Daddy's little girl Kneels by your side," "Tears.all of a sudden, He's the shitheel." "You're the victim." "Get a little Of that sympathy goin' your way." "I don't know if i can Do that, lou." "I just" "Aw, you can do it." "You do it for colleen." "I'll go with you.don't worry About it.it'll be fun." "Oh, yeah." "Hey, mary kay, What are you doin'?" "Oh, i--i just --i got this new stuff." "It's a skin moisturizer for men." "It's got all, like,these Vitamins and nutriments in it." "Yeah." "It's also A breath freshener." "Right.i saw it on Oprah a couple weeks ago." "Really?" "Yeah." "It's, Like--not only moisturizes," "But it's like,antiwr antiwrinkle," "Like,reduces pores And fine lines and," "Like--oh, it covers Blemishes and acne scars,too." "You want to try it?" "Yeah, hold on just a second." "Yeah, yeah." "Just as i thought." "Balls." "No, thanks." "Hey, kid, that Stuff really work?" "Uh, yeah." "You want some?" "Yeah." "I'll just put a little Bit under my eyes, maybe." "Oh, it's great for that." "It lightens up dark circles." "Oh, really?" "Yeah." "I saw some thing about that On the home shopping network." "Oh, yeah." "Just like this?" "Uh-huh." "Put--put a Little around your mouth." "It's, like, Great for frown lines." "What are you sayin'?" "Well, you--you do Frown a lot, tommy." "Jesus christ i look like Walter matthau, jr." "This is really nice, like," "Me being able to help You out,you know?" "Yeah." "Heh heh." "You got more of this shit?" "Yeah." "I mean, i-- I can get more." "Does it come in, like, One big tub instead of..." "No, just--just Those little tubes." "Oh, ok." "You know, tom.heh." "It's just nice, like, Talking,you know?" "Like, maybe we can" "Go out and grab, like, Dinner sometime or somethin'," "You know,talk some more." "Talk about what?" "Stuff that's going on at home" "Stuff." "You know," "Like my mom's been really Sick lately,you know," "Gettin' worse." "I thought she was Gettin' better." "No." "Ooh." "Stuff's got, like, A real, like, uh," "Cooling action goin' on." "She's gettin' worse, tommy." "You know, It worries me," "And it sucks i don't have Anybody to talk to about it." "That's why i'm sayin' maybe We can go grab something'." "No." "Yeah." "Hi." "You ready For our big date?" "Oh, the big date." "When's that?" "Tomorrow night." "I will pick you up." "You know what?" "Can't do it." "Um, somethin' came up." "What came up?" "Death." "Death?" "Yeah, yeah." "Uh, The proble's mom died." "Well,she's not dead." "She's, like--she's," "You know,kind of On he--death's door." "You know, She's--i don't think" "She's gonna make it Through the night," "Bullshit." "It's not bullshit." "I got the guy right here." "You want me--you want me To put on the phone?" "Yeah." "Put him on the phone." "I-- I can't put him on the phone." "The poor guy's grief-stricken." "How you doin',mike?" "I'm fine." "He sounds ok to me." "Yeah, well, you know, He's in one of those stages." "You know,they have the 3 stages when people die." "It's grieving,d-denial, burial." "He's in the denial phase." "All right, so you guys are You going to the hospital" "We've been to the hospital The last 3 nights," "And the food sucks there so I'm takin' him out you know," "Throwin' some good food Into him so he can,you know" "Get ready to be an orphan in The next 48 hours or so." "So where you guys going?" "Where we going?" "I'll tell you" "Where we're goin'." "We're goin'to,uh, frank's." "Angelo and maxie's." "Frank angelo and maxie's." "It's a new place." "Look, nona," "You're an attractive girl." "I like you, ok?" "Yeah, whatever." "When are we going out?" "It's just a scheduling problem, You know." "I mean, sh--look." "Truthfully i don't think this Broad's gonna make it through," "You know, the rest of the week," "So--you know, unless she lingers" "And goes into a coma or somethin'." "But that's not a problem for me, Cause i date during comas." "Actually been on a Couple dates with people who" "Were in comas while we were On the dates, i think." "Hello?" "Nona?" "That was rude." "So we're on, then?" "No." "Aw, come on, tom." "I mean," "It's just--you know," "You know what?" "One hour, No appetizers, no drinks beforehand," "And you're paying for everything." "Yeah." "No." "Jesus christ." "Aah!" "Jesus christ, Where ya been?" "I been waiting Here for, like, hours." "You got nothin' to eat Or drink in the whole place." "How did youget in here?" "I used to be a fireman,lenny," "Not to mention a criminal mastermind." "You bust in my window?" "I'll fix it later." "I'm just not really Comfortable with being outside." "I went right from Living in a firehouse" "To living in the big house." "Teddy..." "Mmm." "Mushroom." "Good choice." "Teddy, what the hell Are you doin' here?" "Remember how you told me" "Ellie would lose interest in me When i got sprung?" "Well,it didn't work out That way,my friend." "I had to ditch her Downtown in a coffee shop." "I been on the run ever since." "Hey, i never took you for A light beer drinker." "He called me a couple hours Ago looking for you." "Ellie called you?" "What'd you tell her?" "That i hadn't seen or Heard from you." "Oh, good man." "I called my brother." "He says she's been calling Over there every half-hour." "It's like a gigantic net of Need has blanketed the city!" "You gotta hide me." "Oh." "You know, teddy," "My place is kinda small." "Oh, come on." "You're the one who Said she'd bail on me." "You owe me." "Fine." "Oh, hey, i would tell You to make yourself at home," "But it seems like you Already did that." "You're payin' For the window." "Jesus, lou." "Look at The size of that one." "You know, at what point do" "You make the turn from wanting A little definition to" "Becoming the incredible Hulk with tits?" "Aw, no, no, no Take a closer look." "These chicks don't Have tits anymore." "Jesus." "Could you imagine having Sex with one of those girls?" "Aw, man.please." "The word "sex"just makes me want To crawl into a hole and die." "Why?" "The nun still Goin'full steam?" "Gentlemen, if you ever get The chance to become" "Romantically involved with A nun, brace yourself." "All those years she was Saving herself for the lord," "Not indulging in fornication," "Well, when that dam breaks," "It breaks in a big way." "It's like a tsunami, Only instead of water," "You get hit with sex" "exotic positions,rubbing, Touching,sucking, probing." "The tsunami speech again?" "I mean, the wave Just keeps coming" "Destroying everything in its path." "What i wouldn't give for 2 hours of straight sleep." "Well, why don't you Just tell her you" "Wanna take a break From the sex thing?" "That's what i'm doing." "Uh, no, mikey." "What you're doing is Called not getting laid." "No." "It's a conscious Choice,frank." "I'm celibate." "So, um, no pussy whatsoever?" "Nope." "And no more with the cocks" "And the balls and the hairy Asses and all that?" "No, none of it." "Yeah, but you're still Pullin' pud, right?" "Are you kiddin'?" "I'm forming calluses." "Attaboy." "So, uh," "How long is this no sex Experiment supposed to last,anyway?" "Until my cock resets." "Or he cuts off his Hands in shop class." "You know, I could help you out, mikey." "I got a giant box of maggie's porn." "I can let you borrow Some if you need help," "You know, raisin' the flag." "Aw, jeez, sean.i mean," "I may kind of been with a guy," "But i'm not such a homo that I can't pop wood at will." "It's--not poppin' wood at Will doesn't mean, you know," "You're a homo." "It just means," "You, you know might have a," "You know, emotional blockage" "You know, temporary kind of" "Mmm." "Like being a homo." "Man..." "Oh, my god Look at this one." "Oh." "Jeez." "You know, tommy," "If you ever got the balls up to" "Ask out that vollie, this is" "What she may look like Underneath that uniform." "First of all, i did ask out" "The vollie." "I'm takin' her out." "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "I am." "And i'lltell You something' else." "She's not--my chick Is like 110 pounds." "She's all woman." "Yeah." "Well, she pulled your Sorry ass out of a fire." "Allegedly." "Maybe she's juicing'." "Juice--the only juice She's juicing' is..." "Cranberry juice." "Tommy, maybe You wanna go upstairs" "Take a little nappy nap." "Yeah." "I think i will." "Hey, tommy, um, you gonna Pick me up tomorrow night," "Or should i come by and get you?" "No, hold on here hold on here." "You wanna share this with The rest of the class, please?" "Yeah." "No." "Hey, chief." "I got somethin' I wanna talk to you about." "This is such a good idea." "Stick around." "I'm full of 'em." "I'll bet you are." "Know what i like about you?" "No." "You're not like the Cuginettes on long island." "You got class." "I mean it." "Yeah, well, i have found" "That after you nearly die" "You start takin',like, a little" "Personal inventory,you know?" "I mean,i got a second Chance 'cause of you" "And i wanna do something with it" "I wanna be a better person." "I wanna," "Y set a better example for my son" "Or somethin' like that." "Ohh!" "You ok?" "Heh heh." "Yeah." "Heh heh." "My tootsies are cold." "Can we take a break?" "Yeah." "Yeah?" "Come on." "Let's go." "So that's it?" "Yeah, pretty much. 5 days A week down at headquarters." "Put away a couple of bucks." "Maybe move down to hilton head" "And spend the rest of my days Workin' on my handicap." "It's a golf reference." "Any questions?" "Reactions?" "Just such a shock." "Yeah, there's nobody more Shocked than me, tom." "I'm ok with it now, Though." "You know," "It's not like my life was" "A piece of cake Around here,anyway." "Nothing changes, Nothing changes." "Yeah, but you at least Gotta let us throw you" "A retirement shindig, chief." "No, no, no." "I'm not retiring." "I'm still be around in Case you guys need me." "Well, let us at least buy you" "A couple drinks after the shift." "Yeah." "Nah, I don't want a big to-do" "About this, you know?" "The less ceremony the better." "Plus,i gotta drive up to boston" "For pete's commitment Ceremony tomorrow." "Oh, that's right." "You're the father of the bride." "You nervous?" "A little bit." "I want him to feel Like i accepted him." "Have you?" "Nah, but i want him To think i do." "Yeah, well, then you gotta Try to assimilate, chief," "You know, dress the part." "Assimilate?" "You remember the birthday party Peter threw a couple years ago?" "We stood out like a couple of big sore," "Heterosexual thumbs." "I mean, not sean" "And mike so much but you know," "The real men on the crew." "I got a new suit." "Nice,navy blue, single-breasted." "Nah, that's not gonna Get you anywhere, chief." "You gotta show a Little bit more flair," "Be flamboyant, you know, Let your freak flag fly." "I-- I think i'll stick with what i got." "But your collective shitty advice Is greatly appreciated as always." "All right, boys, I'm--go upstairs for bed." "Night, chief." "Anytime, chief." "You, uh, heard from Your lawyer yet?" "No." "Soon, though." "Think tommy'll Have to go to jail?" "I don't know." "I --i don't think so." "I mean, i hope not." "I don't--the whole thing's Such a goddamn mess." "You love him, don't you?" "It's ok." "It's just, you know," "Hard not to notice." "Every time" "I bring his name up, it's like," "You know, somethin' gets lit." "Yeah, well, you happen to Bring up his name a lot, so..." "Well, that's because he's Like a legend at our house," "You know." "Everybody tells Stories about his saves." "Yeah, he's a real heroic Son of a bitch." "So, you love him, right?" "Maybe, but" "It's like" "The bad kind of love." "Well, i guess, uh," "Bad love's better than No love at all,right?" "You are so cute." "Heh heh." "You are so cute." "Hey, uh..." "Hey." "So you all right with this?" "Yeah." "Ready to move on, tom." "Yeah?" "Mmm." "So you're, uh-- You're readyto be a, uh..." "Pencil pusher?" "Pfft." "I was gonna Say desk jockey." "Ah." "Listen, uh I hate to do this" "But i gotta ask you a favor." "Sure." "For you, tom, anything." "Right." "I think the insurance Company's gonna drop these charges" "But, uh, i'm gettin' Wind that somebody down" "At headquarters is Gonna start sniffin' around." "Could be a real pain In the ass for me." "I'll look into it." "That'd be great." "Thanks, chief." "Yeah, you mean jerry." "The chief's upstairs In my office." "Yeah, whatever." "I meant what i said." "Maybe bowling wasn't The best idea, huh?" "It's better than paintball." "They're havin' a great time." "Yeah." "We've been here for," "Like, an hour and a half, and We're still on the third frame." "Well, think of it as more Time we get to spend together." "Cute couple, huh?" "Wh-what are you doin', babe?" "I'm giving you an Invitation to kiss me." "Hey, good effort, barbara." "Nice one." "What is it with you?" "What?" "i don't know." "You used to be all over me," "And now anytime I try to get close to you" "Or i wanna spend some time Alone with you," "Yo some excuse, or you insist We bring richie along." "I'm just--you know, i'm Trying to spend time with him," "Be a part of his life, Be a good guy." "Yeah, i know." "It--it's sweet," "But it's just You seem a little" "More concerned about him Than you do about me." "Well, he's retarded." "About us." "What about us?" "We're fine." "Well, i'm not fine." "I'm tired of living with 2 Retarded people--one mentally," "The other emotionally I mean, do you" "Do you put any thought at All into this relationship?" "More than you know." "So tell me." "I--i can't right now." "You can't." "Look, nat, you know, We only got 30 minutes left." "I'm trying to break a hundred." "Can we maybe talk after?" "I'll tell you what." "Let's not talk at all." "Let's just go about our lives Like nothing is wrong and" "Let things fester until we Completely destroy the relationship." "Is that a real option?" "Nat." "Natalie, i was joking." "You go, franco." "The steak fry it's really good," "And they also have Like,this killer," "Like cheesy pasta thing It's like" "Whatever." "Ok, what's up?" "What's up?" "What?" "Well, um..." "I know." "You wanna--you wanna Talk about your mom." "What's--what's --what's the deal?" "She--she's like, you know" "Yeah, i know." "I know." "She was bad." "Now she's worse." "She's Probably in a shitload of pain," "Blah, blah, blah." "Come on, kid." "What's the deal?" "You got 58 minutes left." "What?" "Well, she--she" "She asked me to kill her." "Shit." "Yeah." "Wow." "I know." "Sorry, kid." "How?" "I don't know." "You know, i was thinkin' of, Like, maybe, like," "Takin' a pillow and" "What, and smother her?" "No?" "No." "You can't do that." "Way too much work." "You got the strugglin' And arms flailing'," "Not to mention The muffled screams." "Nurse walks in." "No.can't do that." "That's a tough one, kid." "I don't know." "You--hey, hey, hey." "I swear to god." "You start cryin'," "And i'm outta here." "Stop." "Christ." "It's my mom, you know." "I know." "I know." "Listen.listen." "Stop." "Stop." "Listen to me." "Mikey,listen." "It's your-- It's your mom." "It's the woman who brought You into this world." "Listen to me" "And it's her dying request," "So you--you have to honor it," "What--what she asks." "What,they probably got her on, Like,a morphine drip right?" "So the easiest thing to do is To just increase the amount," "Like 3 or 4 times What she's already gettin'," "And that way, She basically overdoses," "But she'll nev--she'll die In her sleep, basically." "Jeez, tom, i--i don't know." "Listen to me." "You gotta do this, ok?" "It's the la she Asked you for." "You owe it to her." "You suck it up." "Let her die with some dignity." "All right?" "All right, stop." "Stop, opst," "Stop." "Come on." "You all right?" "Hey," "Is thia isgay place?" "Huh?" "Let go of me." "Let go of me." "Ahem." "Why is it all guys in here?" "It's not all guys." "Mostly guys." "It's probably The "mandate" thing." "The what?" "I--i read about this place In new york magazine." "It's like this new fad." "It's called mandating." "It's like, ahem, When guys go out to dinner and" "And they talk about things and" "And--but they don't talk about," "Like, you know, cars and sports" "And stuff like that." "That's why there's No tvs in here." "Yeah, or pussy." "We can call it "bromancing" If it makes you feel better." "Let me tell you something." "You ask a guy out To a place like this," "You gotta give him a Heads-up about what's goin' on." "Tom." "Take your hand off my hand." "Take your hand off my hand." "It's not a date thing." "Take your hand off my hand." "Comon, tommy." "Ieed you, man." "What are you lookin' at?" "Oh, n-nothin'." "I was" "I was lookin' at the wine rack." "You wanna take This shit outside?" "No." "It's cold outside I don't wanna" "Hey." "My date's here." "Surprise." "Hi." "Hi." "That's my, uh Woman date." "Are you guys ready To order yet?" "I don't--i think we're gonna go." "Go." "Come on, let's go." "What house of homos in here." "So is it really true that you" "Carried tommy out of that Beach house fire?" "Yep." "And you didn't even have Any help or anything?" "Nope." "You know, with The adrenaline pumping and" "Everything, i could've carried Out jennifer hudson," "Olding her oscar and a sandwich." "Let me just get this straight." "So, it was a drag And carry, right?" "No.i mean, Like you dragged me" "From the living room to the" "To the door, and then you Carried me" "No." "I picked you up, i Threw you over my shoulder," "And i carried your ass to safety." "You should be grateful." "I--i--you know." "You should be grateful." "Yeah." "I'm grateful." "I just--think--what, You weigh a buck, 10." "I did." "She picked me up." "Ok,you did." "All right." "Hey, nona." "Nona." "No--what--what are you" "All right, you made your point." "Put me down." "What, you too cheap To pay for a cab, asshole?" "Yeah, you just--you're lucky She has me up like this, pal," "'Cause if i was on my feet," "It'd be a--what are you-- What are you doing?" "What?" "Oh, hello." "Just go away." "He's not worth it." "Come on." "Anytime." "I got my truck over here." "Let's go." "Where you goin'?" "I thought maybe i was Comin' with you guys." "No." "Don't you have some business To take care of at the hospital?" "Yeah." "Bye-bye." "I was a firefighter nearly all my life." "18 years old when i went into the academy," "So, quarters with other men," "Not as close as some of you people," "But pretty goddamn close," "And we were committed to each other," "Because our lives depended upon it." "No matter what the circumstances were," "We were there for each other." "And if that's what this ceremony" "Symbolizes for my son and" "and steven," "Uh, well, then i'm all for it." "May your commitment to each other" "Last you until your dying day." "That's i--right over here is me." "Right over there?" "Yeah." "Ahem." "Ok." "That's great." "Yep." "Thanks." "Yep." "I should, uh--oh, my god." "I didn't realize." "I-- I've gotta" "I'm supposed to be in by 11:00." "Ahem--curfew, and, uh, so i-- 11:00 or else." "Or else what?" "Um, you know, i don't know," "'Cause i've never really missed" "I've always been on time." "Oh, yeah." "Since we had the baby," "You know, that-- Don't wanna freak my mom out," "Your mom?" "Did i say my mom?" "Yeah." "Oh, my god." "What--hey." "Um, um..." "Um, um..." "Whoa, that's fast." "Uh..." "No, i mean--it's just, you know," "Are you wigging out because" "I carried you out of the fire?" "No." "I'm not-- 'Cause it's my job." "Well, it's not really your job." "I mean, you're a volunteer." "And that's makin' it harder For you, isn't it?" "I--i'll be completely Hones with you." "I just think it would be" "So much more special if we just," "You know, waited." "Get out of my truck." "W--no, no." "Really." "Get out of my truck." "I'm--i'm--but i'm serious." "I mean..." "Yeah--are you gay?" "You're gay." "I'm-- i'm gay." "I'm not gay." "With the guy--yeah, what-- My wife is right up the..." "Oh, good." "Whatever, princess." "Just get out." "I'll call you," "But not after 11:00." "I wouldn't Wanna upset your mom." "Thanks." "See ya, sweetie." "Thanks for making the trip,pop." "It means a lot to me." "Aw, me, too." "Than the joint that your mother And i had our reception at." "I'm really glad you didn't book" "The local v.f.w." "I wish mom could have come." "Yeah, me, too." "Uh, leastway I would have had a date." "I've already been hit on twice." "The way you're lookin'these Days,i'm not surprised." "Well..." "She doin' ok?" "Ah, no better, no worse," "You know?" "She's happy, painting." "You should really try to get To see her a little bit more." "You know, even if she doesn't know Who the hell you are, she" "She just enjoys the company, You know?" "I know." "It's been crazy Planning the ceremony." "Me and steven will come down After the honeymoon." "We'll make a regular thing of" "Good." "I love you, son." "Michael." "Michael." "I'm sorry." "She's gone." "Huh?" "Your mom." "She's passed." "Am i in trouble?" "Why would you be in trouble?" "How'd she die?" "Peacefully, in her sleep." "Peacefully?" "Yeah." "I'll give you A few moments." "I'm sorry i let you down,mom." "I'm sorry i didn't kill you." "Nice of you to finally come home." "I was at work." "I've been sitting here all By myself with nobody" "To talk to today." "You called me 6 times." "You know, you could call your Brother or your nephew if you" "Want someone to talk to." "I can't call them." "Ellie might get to 'em." "She's got ways Of making' people talk." "Well, then go outside, For christ's sake." "Take a walk." "It's cold as shit, but the fresh Air might do you some good." "I'm not really taking to Open spaces right now." "What i need is a Schedule, you know," "Like in the pen." "Yeah, well, Go home to your wife." "You'll get a schedule Up the wazoo." "What?" "Never!" "Never mention my wife Again ever, you hear me?" "!" "Never bring her name up." "Aw, jesus." "I might have to Go on a killin' spree," "Get my ass locked back up again." "Hey, where you going?" "I was just clearing a couple Of things out of my office." "You're gonna leave Without saying good-bye?" "No, i wasn't, A stone's throw away." "Hey, look,i, uh" "I took care of that Arson shit for you." "Oh." "What'd you do?" "Well, it was still in The preliminary stages." "Made a phone call, Snatched a file," "Punched some keyon the computer," "And problem solved." "That's like a thousand-pound Weight off my shoulders." "That's great." "Well, just remember i took Care of you, tom, huh?" "That's what we do for each other." "That's right." "Yeah." "Speakin' of which, can you Give me a hand with this?" "I've been tryin' it all morning." "I think the thing is stuck." "Yeah, no wonder you never Became an officer." "Hey, hey, hey." "What?" "You didn't think you were Gonna get away that easy," "Did you?" "Nice, right?" "Wow, beautiful." "Yeah, top of the line, chief." "Wow." "You guys shouldn't Have done this." "Aw, you gonna write us up?" "Maybe i'll let you Slide on this one." "Hey,where's the kid?" "He's m.i.a. He's probably still At the hospital with his ma." "Hey, uh, i can't wait To try these out." "Tell you what, tomorrow morning, I take you to the indoor range." "You get a feel for them." "This way, when you get down" "To hilton head in A couple of years," "You don't embarrass yourself." "Wow." "Uh, hey, guys, I don't know what to say." "I'm, uh--i'm speechless." "Well, somebody mark The date and time." "Amen.cheers.salute." "Thanks." "No, no." "No, no, no." "No, no," "Please don't cry." "No, no, no." "No crying." "Come on." "No, no, no." "Please." "Please, no." "Shh." "Shh." "No crying." "Come on, no." "No." "Come on.oh,please," "No." "No, baby, please." "Please." "Come on." "No." "Come on." "Shh, shh, shh." "Shh, baby," "Please." "Look, just remember, right," "Simple apology's gonna get you nowhere." "An apology followed by you takin'" "An ass whipping maybe Gonna get your daughter back." "And no phantom punches, All right?" "Make it look good." "Yeah, like raging bull good." "Yeah, like the mamaluke Of the year." "Raging what?" "Raging bull." "What's that?" "A bullfighting movie." "De niro played the bull." "Oh, yeah." "Wasn't, uh, Luke perry in that?" "Here they come." "It's--i can't determine Whether to use, like, a spatula." "Hey." "Hey." "Dad..." "Look." "I just came down." "I wanted to apologize." "I don't wanna hear Your apology, dad, ok?" "It's too late for that." "Ok, i know you don't wanna hear it," "But you know, I just wanted to say that," "You know, i--i probably Went about it the wrong way." "You were way out of line,man." "You don't just come barging in to Somebody's apartment like that." "Look, we were concerned." "We Hadn't seen you in," "You know,like, 2 days." "We hadn't heard from you." "Your mother and i,you know" "I could have called the cops." "Instead i decided to come down" "Oh, you could have called The cops?" "I could have" "I had to get my nose ring fixed." "I could have called the cops." "You had to get Your nose ring fixed?" "Yeah." "Come on, colleen." "Let me talk to you guys, ok?" "Talk about what?" "No, i just wanna" "You wanna talk, Or do you wanna touch?" "What's goin' on, man?" "Dad." "I'm--what?" "What?" "Just stop it, ok" "Come over here." "I wanna Talk to him for 2 seconds." "No.all right." "Well, talk is Different from touch, all right?" "I'm on probation." "I don't need this." "You're on probation?" "He's on probation." "You bel for what?" "What has he" "It's none of your business." "Come on." "Let's go inside." "I think it is my business, ok?" "You're livin' with my daughter." "All right, so google me, man." "You don't need to talk to me." "Google you?" "Come here." "I wanna talk to you over here." "You don't have to touch me To talk to me." "I just wanna talk." "Well, just--listen, man." "Stop!" "Is this what you want?" "Tony!" "Please, stop!" "Huh?" "You want this?" "Stop!" "You're gonna hurt Your hands!" "Stop!" "Is this what you wanted?" "stop!" "Stop!" "Stop it!" "Please, stop!" "I didn't want to do this." "Stop it!" "Stop it!" "Stop it!" "tony!" "How does it feel now, huh?" "Stop it!" "Stop it, tony!" "Stop it." "Are your hands ok?" "Yeah." "Fine." "This is where i live!" "You can take him out of Here now, all right?" "You know, he has a gig tonight!" "Nah, it looked good." "Really, very convincing."