"Phoebe found out about this lady who knew her parents, and I don't know what happened." "I'm your mother." "Monica joked she wouldn't date Chandler." "I don't know what happened there either." "Ross' new girlfriend shows up." "Rachel gets Bonnie to shave her head." "Then they kiss." "Now he has to choose Rachel or the bald girl." "I don't know what happened there either." "Hold on." "Let me go get chandler." "She's helping me." "My head's sunburned." " Thanks a million." " You're welcome a million." "Smell it." "Minty." "I'll be in our room." "Oh, my God!" "I know." "I got to go." "I got to go break up with Bonnie." "Here?" "Now?" "I can't stay here all night." "If I go in there, she'll want to do stuff." "Can't you say you aren't in the mood?" "No, she likes that." "Faking sleep doesn't work." "I've woken up many times with her..." " why am I telling you?" " I don't know." " Not every morning..." " Making it worse!" "The one with the Jellyfish" "You probably want to know how it happened." "I think I can figure it out." "I was born, and then everyone lied their asses off." "No, it wasn't like that." "Remember how I said Lilly, Frank and I were close?" "We were very close." "How close?" "The three of us were kind of a couple." "I don't know how that would work." "I'm not asking!" "Anyhow, somehow I got pregnant and I was scared." "I was stupid and selfish..." "I was 18 years old." "Remember what it was like to be 18?" "Mom killed herself and my dad ran off." "I lived in a Gremlin with a guy who talked to his hand." "I'm sorry." "I thought I'd left you with the best parents." "I didn't hear about them till a few years ago." "By then, you were already grown-up." "You're here and I would really like to get to know you." "Well, everybody does." "I'm a really cool person." "You had 29 years to find out, but you didn't even try." "You walked out on me, and I'll do the same." "I don't ever want to see you again." "Where's my purse?" "Shoot!" "We're out of soda." " I'll get you some." " Really?" "No, because I'm not your boyfriend." "Hey, Pheebs, how'd it go?" "My mom's friend, Phoebe, is actually my birth mom." "I found a dried-up seahorse." "What do you mean?" "My new mom, who's a big fat abandoner." "Don't you want to stay here and talk about it?" "I need to be alone." "Man." "Hey what if you found out that your mom wasn't really your mom and your new mom turned out to be really hot?" "Oh, man, huh?" "But, it's your mom." "No, I'm talking about your mom." "It's over." "Was it awful?" "It was long." "I didn't realize how late it was till I saw the five o'clock shadow on her head." "She didn't want to stay." "I called a cab." "She just left." "I wrote you a letter." "Oh, thank you!" "I like mail." "It's just some things I've been thinking about." "About us." "Before we even think about us getting back together I need to know how you feel about this stuff." "It's 5:30 in the morning." "So I'd better get cracking on this baby." "I'll be waiting for you." "Come up when you're done." "I'll be up in 18 pages." "Front and back." "Very exciting!" "What happened to you?" "Why didn't you come up?" "Done." " You just finished?" " I wanted to be thorough." "This is clearly very important to you." "To us." "I wanted to read every word carefully." "Twice." "Does it?" "I'm sorry?" "Does it?" "Does it?" "Does it?" "I wanted to give that whole "Does it?" part another glance." "What do you mean?" "You said you read it twice." "It either does or doesn't." "If you have to think..." "No, I don't have to think about it." "In fact I've decided." "I have decided that it does." " Are you sure?" " Sure, I'm sure!" "There's a nuclear holocaust." "I'm the last man on earth." "Would you go out with me?" "I've got canned goods." "Take a look at this!" "Check this baby out!" "Dug me a hole." "Excellent hole, Joe." "Oh, no!" "My hole!" "My foot!" "What is it?" "Jellyfish sting!" "It hurts!" "Can we help you to the house?" "It's two miles." "And I'm tired from digging." "Damn the jellyfish!" "Damn all the jellyfish!" "Do something." "There's only one thing." "What is it?" "Pee on it." "Gross!" "I saw it on Discovery channel." "He's right." "There's ammonia in that that kills the pain." "Forget it." "It doesn't hurt that bad!" "You can use my hole for privacy." "I'm ready to get the hell out of here." "Are you...?" "That's so great!" "Not for Bonnie." "But for you, yea!" " How was the beach?" " Nothing." "I don't know." " What happened?" " Nothing." " I'm going to shower." " Me too." "Me too." "I'll put this in the car." "I have to go pack!" " And it really does?" " It does." "It really and truly does." "It so does not!" "She wants me to take responsibility for everything that went wrong." "She goes on for five pages about how I was unfaithful to her." "We were on a break!" "If you say that one more time, I'll break up with you." "This breakup was not all my fault." "She says here "If you accept full responsibility I can begin to trust you again." "Does that seem like something you can do?" "Does it?"" "You have what you want." "You're back with her." "If you bring this up now, you'll wreck it." "Yeah, I know." "You're right." "I'll let it go." "But you know how hard it is to forget this?" "Sure, it's hard but you don't have to talk about it." "A lot happened on that trip that we should never, ever talk about." "What happened on that beach?" "It's between us and the sea, Ross." "Hi, Ursula." "I know that we haven't talked in a long time." "Our mom is not our birth mom." "This other lady is our birth mom." "Right, the one that lives in Montauk." "You know her?" "No." "I read about her in Mom's suicide note." "There was a suicide note?" "Do you still have it?" "Hang on." "I can't believe you didn't tell me there was a suicide note." "Yeah, so how have you been doing?" "Shut up!" ""Goodbye, Phoebe and Ursula." "I'll miss you." "P.S. Your mom lives in Montauk."" "You just wrote this!" "It's pretty much the gist." "Except for the poem." "You read the poem, right?" "All right." "Hang on." "Pass the cheese, please." "You can't even look at me, can you?" "It's Phoebe!" "We can talk to Phoebe!" "I'm too depressed to talk." "I'll give you $ 1000 to talk to us." "What about making that beach trip an annual thing?" "What happened out there?" "What?" "We took a walk." "Nothing happened." "I came back with nothing all over me." "What happened?" "Joey?" "All right." "We swore we'd never tell." "They'll never understand." "We have to get it out." "It's eating me alive!" " Monica got stung by a jellyfish." " All right!" "I got stung." "Stung bad." "I couldn't stand." "I couldn't walk." "We were two miles from the house." "We were scared and alone." "We didn't think we could make it." "I was in too much pain." "And I was tired from digging." "Then Joey remembered something." "I'd seen it on Discovery channel." "Wait, I saw that." "On the Discovery channel." "About jellyfish and how if you..." "You peed on yourself?" "You can't say that!" "You don't know!" "I thought I would pass out." "I tried, but I couldn't bend that way." "That's right." "I stepped up." "She's my friend and she needed help." "If I had to, I'd pee on any of you." "Only I couldn't." "I got the stage fright." "I wanted to help, but there was too much pressure." "So I turned to chandler." "Joey kept screaming at me, "Do it now." "Do it." "Do it now!"" "Sometimes, late at night, I can still hear the screaming." "Because I do it through my wall to freak you out." "Maybe there's somebody you guys could talk to." "Oh, who?" "It's not like they have a group for people like us." "Yeah, no, there's this guy owen, he's the best." "Might have his card." "And fuchsia and mauve" "Those are the 66 colors of my bedroom" "I invite all of you to count the colors in your bedroom." "Except for you." "You go away." "I'll go in a second." "I just want to tell you there wasn't a day I didn't regret giving you up." "Okay, bye." "I'm not done." "The reason I never looked you up was because I was afraid you'd react just like the way you're reacting now." "Can't we just start from here?" "Please?" "No." "Sorry." "One last thing." "You came looking for family." "I'm family." "I'm it." "Now I'm done." "It's not like we're losing anything." "I guess you're right." "It's not like we know each other or have anything in common." "I don't know." "It's not like we don't have anything in common." "I mean, I like pizza." "I like pizza!" "Wait, I like the Beatles." "Oh, my God!" "So do I." "Puppies." "Cute or ugly?" "So cute!" "You see?" "But I'm still mad at you." "I know." "I'm mad at me too." "Do you want to get something to eat?" "I'm kind of hungry." "Hey!" "Me too!" "Uncanny." "It looks like rain and I don't have my umbrella." "Me neither." "I really hate that." "Stop it." "Now you're just doing it to freak me out." "I missed you." "I missed you too." "I was so nervous about that letter." "But the way you owned up to everything it just showed me how much you've grown." "I suppose." "You have, Ross." "You should give yourself credit." "My mom never thought this would work out." "She said, "once a cheater, always a cheater."" "I just wish we hadn't lost those four months." "But if time was what you needed to gain a little perspective... we were on a break!" " Coffeehouse?" " You bet." "It took two people to break up this relationship." "You and that girl, which yesterday you took full responsibility for." "I didn't know what I took responsibility for." "I didn't finish the letter." "I fell asleep." "You fell asleep?" "It was 5:30 in the morning." "And you had rambled on for 18 pages." "Front and back!" "By the way, Y-o-U-apostrophe-R-E means "you are."" "Y-o-U-R means "your."" "I can't believe I thought of getting back with you!" "We are so over." "Fine by me!" "Those spelling tips will be handy Saturday nights at home playing Scrabble with Monica." "Sorry!" "All that sleep you'll miss wishing you were with me!" "Don't worry about me falling asleep." "I still have your letter!" "Just so you know, it's not that common." "It doesn't happen to every guy." "And it is a big deal!" "I knew it!" "Gin." "We were playing gin?" "If we were a couple, we could play naked." " Would you stop?" " Okay." "All right." "All right." "I think you're great." "I think you're sweet and smart and I love you." "But you'll always be the guy who peed on me." "[ENGLISH]" "Wow." "That ripped." "That ripped real nice!" "How many times do I have to tell you?" "You turn and slide." "Turn and slide." "You don't turn and slide." "You throw it out!" "I get tetanus shots every time I get dressed!" "We're not throwing it out." "I built it with my own hands!" "How about we sell it?" "All right." "But you'll have to tell them." "Can we stick you in another cabinet?" "They seem all right with it!" "The one with the cat" "Hey, why did the chicken fall out of the tree?" "Why?" "Because you have doody on your head." "Yeah, it was funnier when Ben told it." "Hey, Monica." "It's Chip." "Who's chip?" "It was good running into you today." "My number is 555-9323." "Give me a call." ""Chip" is chip Matthews." "The guy who took Rachel to the prom?" "Why's he calling you?" "Because I ran into him at the bank." "He is still so cute." "You're so lucky!" "He's like the most popular guy in school!" "I know!" "Chip?" "Hi, it's Monica." "Oh, my God!" "We just had the best conversation!" "I was just leaving." "Good." "I've got a report to read." "It's eight pages." "I hope I don't fall asleep." "Why?" "Did you write it?" "Look at that!" "Chip Matthews called." "I wonder what he wants." "Well, actually..." "I bet he sensed that I was ready to have sex with another guy." "Why don't you give him a call?" " Are you sure you want to hear this?" " I'm sure." "Chip!" "Hi, it's Rachel." "Rachel Greene." "You left me a message?" "Yes, you did." "My roommate wrote it down." "Monica Geller?" "Oh, that's right!" "He called to ask out Monica." "That's got to be embarrassing." "Dumb drunken bitch" "Thank you!" "Here's a question." "Where'd you get the "finest oak east of the Mississippi"?" "First tell us where you got the prettiest lace in the land." "It's your ad." "Looks good?" ""Stunning entertainment center, fine..." "Fine Italian craftsmanship."" "You're selling the entertainment center?" "Why?" "I love it." " You want it?" " No." "Gepetto?" "Five thousand dollars?" "Are you insane?" "The ad alone cost $300." "I'm changing it to $50 or your best offer." "What kind of profit is that?" "And you call yourself an accountant?" "What do you do?" "I can't believe you don't know." "I actually don't know." "Oh, my God, no!" "Shoo, kitty!" "There's a kitty in my guitar case." "Everyone's gonna want one." "Come on, you!" "Crazy!" " Oh, my God!" " What?" "Nothing." "What's wrong?" "I just have this really strong feeling that this cat is my mother." "The mom you met in Montauk?" "She was a cat?" "That makes the fact that she owns beach-front property all the more impressive." "No." "She was a human lady." "This is the spirit of my mom, Lilly." "The one that killed herself." "Have you been taking your grandmother's glaucoma medicine again?" "No, Dr. Skeptismo." "I'm sure." "First of all, there's the feeling." "And for another, she went into my guitar case which is lined with orange felt." "My mother's favorite fish was orange roughy." "Cats like fish." "You had me with orange felt." "Hi, Mommy!" "I haven't seen this smile in 17 years." " Phoebe's mom's got a huge pair of..." " Let it go!" "When were you going to tell me that you're dating chip?" "Now?" "Can I go out with him?" "No." "I can't believe you'd want to after what he did to me." "That thing at the prom?" "I couldn't find him for hours!" "He was having sex with Amy welsh!" "That was in high school." "How can it still bother you?" "Oh, yeah, you're right, Moni-cow." "Okay, I hear you." "Why do you have to go out with chip?" "We went to different schools." "We went to the same school." "You went to one where you were popular." "You rode on chip's motorcycle and wore his letterman jacket." "I went to one where I wore a band uniform that was specially made." "They had that specially made?" "It was a Home Ec project." "Oh, my God!" "They said it was for the mascot." "Back then I thought that I'd never get to go out with a chip Matthews." "Now he's called me up and asked me out." "The fat girl inside me really wants to go." "I owe her this." "I never let her eat." " You go out with him." " Really?" "If possible, could you leave him and have sex with another guy?" "I'll try." "Any luck getting rid of the entertainment center?" "There were a couple calls, but they won't work out." "Joey has a very careful screening process." "Not everyone is qualified to own wood and nails." "Stop it!" "She keeps trying to get away." "Just like when she was alive." "How long is your mom going to be with us?" "I'm not sure." "I guess until she gets used to the fact that there's a new mom." "Now she's worried that she'll be replaced." "That's not going to happen, is it?" "I have to go make a call." "Why not use this phone?" "I'm returning a call from a certain mom at the B-E-A-c-H." "I just spelled the wrong word." "Anyway, I don't want to do it in front of someone with a tail." "Hey, you swore you would never tell." "So am I crazy, or does Phoebe's mom remind anyone else of a cat?" "Ross, don't start." "You actually believe there's a woman inside that cat?" "I believe it." "No, you don't." "Yes, I do." "No, you..." "You know what?" "You won't suck me into this." "Sure I will." "Because you always have to be right." "I do not always have..." "okay, okay." "Jurassic Park could happen." "And you know what?" "Actually, I do think Kirk was smarter than Spock." "You were kidding about the Kirk-Spock-thing, though, right?" "That's pretty nice." ""Pretty nice"?" "Pardon my roommate." "He wanted to marry this." "We don't have $50." "But would you trade for it?" "We got a canoe." "I don't think we need a canoe." "You got to take it." "Just take the entertainment center." "Then when you get home, throw the canoe away." "We're not throwing it away." "I built it." "Good for you!" "You won't believe what I found on a telephone pole." "Look familiar?" "Apparently Phoebe's mother also goes by the name "Julio."" "Wait a minute." "This is not the same cat." "This cat's only this big." "A little girl's looking for this cat." "Know what that means?" "Yeah!" "$200 reward split five ways!" "Do we have to tell her?" " Yes, we do." " But it's made her so happy." "Little girl misses her cat." "Crazy lady thinks her mother is in a cat." "I have to go have dinner with my son." "Can I trust that when you see Phoebe, you will tell her?" "Thank you." "I hate when Ross is right." "He is right, isn't he?" "This might be one time when he's wrong." " You think?" " Oh, no." "He's right." "About your mom." "How's that going?" "So great." "We took a nap together today." "Mom fell asleep on my tummy and purred." "That's so sweet." "I'm gonna get some coffee." "What'd you say, Joe?" "I'll be right there." "I just feel so..." " All right!" " I'm coming already!" "Not yet, not yet, not yet!" " Hello, chip." " How you doing?" "I'm great!" "Got a great job." "I have wonderful friends." "Though I'm not seeing anyone now, I've never felt better about myself." "So, Monica ready yet?" "She'll be out in a second." "So, chip, how's Amy welsh?" "Amy welsh?" "I haven't seen her since..." "So, Monica about ready?" " Wow, you look great." " Thanks." " Well, you guys have fun." " Catch you later." "Bye, chip." " Are you sure you're okay about this?" " Actually... okay, great." "This is the unit for you." "Sturdy construction, tons of storage." "Some big enough to fit a grown man." " What?" " Yeah, I got in there myself once." "My roommate bet me $5 I couldn't." "Then he stuck a board through the handles and locked me in." "It was funny till I felt like it was a coffin." "No, you can't fit in there." "It's not deep enough." "Oh, yeah?" "If I can't I'll knock $5 off the price." "All right, you have yourself a deal." "See?" "I told you." "Sometimes I come in here just to get away from it." "Hey, a nickel!" "Here we are." "You still have the chipper!" "The what?" "That's what we called your motorcycle in high school." "A motorcycle's a chopper." "And you're chip." "Never mind." "I think it's cute." "A lipper from chipper." "Are you still in touch with anyone?" "There's Rachel and that's it." "How about you?" "I still hang with Simens and Zana." "I see Spindler, Levine, Kelly." "I run into Goldie Stick, Brown, Sulkov, McGuire J.T., Beardsley." "Is that all?" "After high school, you kind of lose touch." "I ran into Richard Dorfman." " How is he?" " Me and Simens gave him a wedgie." "Isn't he an architect?" "They still wear underwear." "Oh, my God!" "What?" "Are you all right?" "What happened?" "Oh, man, he promised he wouldn't take the chairs!" "How were you locked in?" "Where the hell is all of our stuff?" "This guy came by to look at the unit and he said it won't fit a grown man." "So you got in voluntarily?" "I was trying to make a sale!" "If I ever run into him, you know what I'll do?" "Bend over?" "And then Zana just let one rip!" "Not that I don't enjoy talking about high school because I do." "Maybe we can talk about something else." "I don't know where you work." " You know where I work." " I do?" "The movie theater." "You used to come in all the time." "Still at the Multiplex?" "Like I'd give up that job!" "Free popcorn and candy anytime I want?" "I can get you posters." "Thanks, I'm set." "Oh, you know who came in the other night?" "Peters." "Told me he just went out with Leslie Maskin." "Got to third base." "Do you still live with your parents?" "Yeah, but I can stay out as late as I want." "You know, with all of our stuff gone, the unit doesn't seem that big." "Why couldn't he have been a kidnapper." "They really got you guys." "Your TV, the chairs." "Your microwave, the stereo." "Man, he took the five of spades!" "No, here it is." "Oh, my God!" "What happened?" "Joey was born, and then 28 years later, I was robbed!" "So how was your date?" "Well, I always wanted to go out with chip in high school." "Tonight, I actually went out with chip in high school." "Honey, I'm sorry." "Not only did I get to go out with chip I got to dump chip." " That's so great!" " I know." "What did the insurance company say?" "They said, "You don't have insurance." "Stop calling us."" "You didn't tell her?" "Okay, fine." "Listen this cat belongs to a little girl." "There are flyers all over the place." "I'm sorry, sweetie." "We can take her back with you if you want." "But, you know, she chose to find me." "I have to respect her decision, right?" " That's a good call." " That's right." "Enough is enough." "I'm sorry you feel guilty about spending time with your new mom." "But this isn't your old mom." "This is a cat." "Julio the cat." "Not Mom!" "Cat." "Ross, how many parents have you lost?" "None." "Then you don't know how it feels when one of them comes back." "I believe this is my mother." "Even if I'm wrong, who cares?" "Just be a friend, okay?" "Be supportive." "I'm sorry." "Okay." "I don't know what to say." "You could say you're sorry to her mom." "I think she would like that." "Come here." "Here, come here." "Mrs. Buffay?" "Sorry about what I said." "It was insensitive of me to say that you were just a cat when, clearly, you are also the reincarnated spirit of my friend's mother." "Thank you." "We both forgive you." "What will you do about the little girl?" "Listen." "Mom, I hope you know you still mean a lot to me." "You're welcome to come back anytime." "If she'd come back as a couch, we'd really appreciate it." "Come on." "I'll take you home." " I'll go with you." " Me too." "I got an extra futon." "Dude, you don't have to brag." "We got nothing here." "You know..." "It's peaceful out here." "[ENGLISH]" "We are so in luck!" "Treeger said we could have all this cool stuff!" "Wait right there." "Oh, no." "I'm paddling away." "Really?" "We got all this rusty crap for free?" "This and a bunch of bubble wrap." "And some of it is not even popped." "Could we be more white trash?" "The one with the 'cuffs" "How desperate am I?" "Good thing chandler's not here." "He always wins at this game." "I just told my mom I'd cater her party." " How come?" " I need the money." "It'd be a great way to get rid of that last smidgen of self-respect." "I think this is a good thing." "Mom wouldn't have hired you if you weren't good." "You don't have to stick up for her." "She can't hear you." "Do you have any juice?" "Just pickle." "Funny story." "I bumped into Joanna yesterday." "My boss, Joanna?" "That must have been awkward." "Actually, she asked me if I wanted a drink." "You didn't say yes to that, did you?" "Hello, Rachel." "Well, not at first." "What is she doing here?" "Last time you went out with her you said she was a dud!" "I judged her too quickly." "This time, we took it to the next level." "Last time I almost got fired." "You must end it." "You must end it now." "It's not an everyday occurrence!" "Usually I'm in there by myself." "Promise." " Rachel, aren't you running late?" " No..." " You are if you pick me up a bagel." " Okay." "Promise you will end this now." " I promise." "I'll end it." " Thank you." "I hope you know what I'm giving up." "She's not just the boss in your office." "You know what I mean?" "Sorry." "I knew what he meant." "How's the hired help?" "Doing great." "Quiches are coming along." "What's this?" "Blue nail polish?" "I thought it was cute." "It's what your grandmother's hands looked like when we found her." "Let me ask you a question." "Why did you hire me?" "Richard raved about the food at his party but you were sleeping with him." "Then I heard the food at that lesbian wedding was nice." "I assume you didn't sleep with anyone there." "At least that would be something." "Oh, my God!" "Did you hear that?" "She hired me because she thinks I'm good." "I didn't hear that." "She didn't hire me out of pity." "It wasn't so she could pick on me." "She actually thinks I'm good." "And hey, it's cool if you're a lesbian." "Good afternoon." "Are you the decision-maker of the house?" "Do you currently own a set of encyclopedias?" "No, but try the classifieds." "People sell everything in there." "Actually, I'm not buying." "I'm selling." "Let me ask you one question." "Do your friends ever have a conversation and you just nod along, not sure what they're talking about?" "I'm telling you, it's totally unconstitutional." "I think he deserves a Nobel Prize." "It was like the Algonquin kids' table." "Excuse me." "I'm sorry." "You haven't said anything for about two minutes." "Are you at all interested?" "Come on in." " That's weird." " What?" "Your nails." "I wore fake ones so my mom wouldn't give me grief about biting them." "I meant, it's weird that you only have nine now." "Oh, my God!" "Wait a minute." "I had them when I put... oh, my God!" "It's in the quiche!" " Oh, my God!" " Okay, don't panic." "I'll go buy you a new set of nails." "No one will know, and you'll look great!" "It's because they're going to eat..." "That's the problem." "Honey, don't bite your nails." "Please don't freak out." "There's a blue fingernail in one of the quiche cups." "And there's no way to know which one." "And whoever finds it wins the prize!" "I'm not freaking out." " Why are you laughing?" " Now your father owes me $5." "You bet I'd lose a nail?" "Don't be silly." "I just bet that I'd need these." "Frozen lasagnas?" "You bet that I'd screw up?" "All that stuff about how I was good..." "No, that was all true." "This was just in case you "pulled a Monica."" "You promised Dr. Weinberg you'd never use that phrase." "Come on." "Have a sense of humor." "You're never able to laugh at yourself." "That's right." "My mom has no faith in me!" "That's hilarious!" "I don't get it." "No." "I have faith." "No." "You have lasagnas!" "The ruined quiches are ready!" " I really don't think we should be doing this." " Okay." "It just doesn't feel like we're breaking up." "No, we are." "I'm sad." "Can you wait till tomorrow?" "All right." "Unbelievable!" "Thanks." "That was my boss." "I have to go." "What are you doing?" " I'm getting dressed." " Why?" "When I walk outside naked, people throw garbage." "Wait." "I want to show you something." "What is it?" "Just a little gag gift somebody gave me." "Put your hands together." "You're not the boss of me." "Yeah, you are." "Saucy!" "I'll be back in two minutes." "You're going to leave me like this?" "Knowing you're here waiting for me." "I think it's exciting, don't you?" "If you don't come back soon there's pretty much nothing I can do about it!" "I brought you back a macaroon." "Great." "I'll keep it in my butt with your nose." "That's weird." "She locked the door." "You know why?" "She's got the bonus list in there." "I saw her working on it today." "Swear you won't tell." "When Mark left, he gave me a key to her office." "You want to see the list?" "How are you?" "Hello, Joanna..." " office." "I'm sorry." "I'll be a little longer." " How little?" " A couple hours." "This isn't funny." "Get back here now!" " I can't!" " Why not?" "I'm in my boss' car." " What?" " Tunnel!" "What?" "Rachel, could I see you for a moment?" "Okay, here's the situation." "The keys to the cuffs are on the door." "Could you be a doll and grab them and scoot on over here and unlock me?" "And on a totally separate subject, that's a lovely pantsuit." "You promised you would break up with her." "I did break up with her!" "She just took it really, really well!" "Jeopardizing my career never entered your mind?" "It did enter my mind." "But then something happened that made it shoot right out." "You got yourself into those cuffs, you get yourself out." "I can't get myself right out of them." "You must have me confused with the "Amazing chandler"!" "Unlock me!" "She could be gone for hours, and I'm cold and..." "All right!" "This is it!" "Never see her again." "Never!" " Never come in here again." " Fine!" "Give me back my walkman!" "I never borrowed it." "Then I lost it." "Buy me one!" "You got it!" "Here we go!" "Come on." "This is great!" "Does it hurt?" "No, I always see guys do this when handcuffs are taken off." "Hello, sweet pants!" "Wait!" "What will you tell Joanna?" "About what?" "She'll see you're gone and know I let you out, and I'll get fired!" "I'll tell a lie!" "I'm good at lying!" "I actually did borrow your walkman!" "She'll know I have a key to her office." "I've got to lock you back up." "I don't think so." "This is much better." "Here's somebody interesting." "What do you know about Van Gogh?" " He cut off his ear." " And?" "I'm out." "He painted that." "That's pretty nice." "I thought he cut off his ear because he sucked." " What else you got in there?" " Let's see..." " where does the Pope live?" " In the woods." "Wait, that's the joke answer." "Actually, it's Vatican city." "Now, what do you know about vulcanized rubber?" "Spock's birth control." "You need these books." "This used to be your room?" "You must have been in really good shape as a kid." "I'm such an idiot!" "I can't believe I thought she could change." "Who cares what your mom thinks?" "So you "pulled a Monica."" "I'm glad that's catching on." "Why does that have to be a bad thing?" "Just change what it means." "Prove your mother wrong." "You finish the job, and we'll call that "pulling a Monica."" "What?" "If a kid gets straight A's, his parents say, "You pulled a Monica."" "A fireman saves a baby, and they go, "He pulled a Monica."" "Someone hits a homer, and they say, "That one's out of here."" "Because some things don't change." "All right." "I'll go down there." "I won't serve the lasagna." "I'll serve what I make." "My breasts are really strong." "I have to get you locked back up." "I'm so going to lose my job!" "She's very private about her office!" "Now I know why!" "You're in trouble either way." "If she sees me locked to this she'll know you were here." "You might as well let me go." " I'll clean your bathroom for a month." " Still won't be clean." "All I want is my freedom." " Foot rubs for a month!" " Freedom!" " I'll put all your photos into albums!" " I want my freedom!" "Why won't you hear me!" "Sophie, help me!" "Sophie, sit!" "Would you just calm down?" "!" "I'm going to say this for the last time." "Would you please just..." "There's a lot I didn't know about vomit." "In a minute." "So what do you say?" "You get the whole set of encyclopedias for $ 1200." "That works out to just 50 bucks a book." "$ 1200?" "You think I have $ 1200?" "I'm home during the day and I got patio furniture in my living room." "There's a few things you don't get from book learning." "Well, what can you swing?" "How about zero down and zero a month for a long, long time?" "You don't have anything?" "You want to see what I got?" "I got a baby Tootsie Roll a movie stub, keys, a Kleenex a rock and an army man." "Okay, I get the picture." "Thanks for your time." "And a fifty." "These must be chandler's pants." "For $50 you can get one book." "What will it be?" "A?" "B?" "C?" "I'll stick with the V." "I want to see how this bad boy turns out." "I will buy and wrap all of your christmas gifts!" "I'll squeeze you fresh orange juice every morning!" " With extra pulp?" " Yeah." "I've got it!" "You don't have it." "I have so got it!" "There will be rumors about this." "No way to stop it." "Sophie, Monica and Phoebe know." " How do they know?" " I called them." "When they ask me what I saw I can be very generous or very stingy." "Go on." "I can make you a legend." "I can make you this generation's Milton Berle." " And Milton Berle has..." " Not compared to you." "They're not even touching the lasagna." "They love your casserole!" "It's hard to believe a while ago this was just ingredients." "Everyone seems to like your dish." "And you?" "I thought it was quite tasty." "So if everyone liked it, and you liked it that would make this a success." "Which would make you..." "A bitch?" "I meant "wrong," but we can use your word." "Yes, well, I was wrong." "And I have to say you really impressed me today." "You might even say that she "pulled a Monica."" "She doesn't know we switched it." "And the next time you cater for me there will be nothing but ice in the freezer." "That really means a lot." "Mom, don't bite your nails!" "Hello, chandler." "I love you." "What's going on?" "No, he doesn't!" "Two hours, that lasted." "So did you break up with Joanna?" "I think so." "It's good you got out, before she blew up like Vesuvius." "The volcano?" "Speaking of volcanoes, man, are they a violent igneous rock formation!" "What?" "Lava spewing, hot ash." "Of course, some are dormant." "Why are you talking about volcanoes all of a sudden?" "We don't have to." "What do you want to talk about?" "Vivisection?" "The vas deferens?" "The Vietnam war?" "Did anyone see that documentary on the Korean war?" "Korea's a beautiful country." "With such a sad history." "Could there be more Kims?" " Who's out there?" " Me!" "Good morning!" "Could you come in here, please?" "Sure!" "They didn't have poppyseed bagels so I have sesame..." "oh, my word!" "I've had a slight office mishap." "Could you get the key for me?" " Lf you could." " Oh, I'm sorry!" "You can tell your friend chandler we're definitely broken up this time!" "[ENGLISH]" "Hey, new wallet?" "It was time." "The old condom ring in the leather just doesn't say "cool" anymore." "Rachel, you just put an empty carton back in the fridge." "I know, but the garbage was full." "Have you ever taken out the trash?" "Since you've lived here?" "Well, I thought you liked doing it." " Third door on the left." " Right!" "Hey, Mr. Treeger." "What are you doing?" "I'm sorry." "It's a little old but..." "You're clogging up the chute I just unclogged." "I'm sorry." "I don't come in here a lot." "Of course not." "You're a little princess." "Daddy, buy me a pizza." "Daddy, buy me a candy factory." "Daddy, make the cast of Cats sing "Happy Birthday" to me." "You think you can come here make a mess and a big man in coveralls will clean it up?" "Think of someone else for a change." "Okay, I'm sorry." "God, if you're going to cry about it!" "The one with Ballroom Dancing" "Treeger made you cry?" "He said really mean things that were only partly true." "I'll teach him a lesson." "Joey, don't." "Let's forget about it." "That's easy for you to say." "You weren't almost just killed!" "All right, that's it." "School is in session!" "Is this a gym card?" "Oh, yeah, gym member." "I try to go four times a week, but I've missed the last 1200 times." "So why don't you quit?" "You don't think I've tried?" "You think I like having $50 a month taken from my account?" "They make you go all the way down there." "They use all these phrases and peppiness to confuse you." "And then they bring out Maria." " Who is Maria?" " Oh, Maria!" "You can't say no to her." "She's like this lycra, spandex-covered, gym treat." "Do you need me to go with you and hold your hand?" "You're strong enough to face her?" "Oh, no." "You'll have to come." "Tribbiani." "Hold on." "I'll get the plunger." "You hold on." "You made my friend Rachel cry." "So you'll go and apologize to her unless you want me to call the landlord." "And tell him what?" "Maybe you haven't heard of "not making girls cry."" "Maybe you haven't heard of the Rent Stabilization Act of 1968." "I have actually not heard of that." "Your friends are violating it." "I've been nice until now, but I don't need this grief." "I'm telling the landlord Monica's illegally subletting her grandmother's place." "Your friends are out of here, pal." "Why don't you tell me something I don't know?" "Somebody tell me I don't have to work today." "What's the matter?" "My first massage is this incredibly gorgeous guy." "Every time I see him, I want to do things to him I can't charge for." "So do them for free." "No, it is forbidden." "Mrs. Potter fires people for messing around with clients." "And it's against my oath as a masseuse." " They make you take an oath?" " No, I made myself take one." "No fooling around with clients and always be prepared." "That one's from the Boy Scouts, but it just makes good sense." "Why not give him to someone else?" "No, I can handle it." "I'm a professional." "Pheebs, is that a new ankle bracelet?" "You got a pedicure." "Your feet are all dressed up." "That's the only part he can see when he's on the table!" "You're going to do some feet flirting!" "I don't know what you're talking about." "How do you explain the toe ring?" "It's Arabian Princess Day at work." "Leave me alone!" "My hero!" "What happened?" "I told him no one treats my friends like that." "And he better apologize." "See you!" "Wait a minute." "What did he say?" "He wouldn't apologize because you're living here illegally." "Instead, he'll evict you." "See you later!" " You got us evicted?" " I told you not to go down there." "He made Rachel cry!" "Rachel always cries!" "That's not true!" "You go down there, and you suck up to him." "You suck like you've never sucked before!" "All right, I'll try." "If I can't, you stay with us till you get settled." " Go!" " All right, all right." "I'll have to check first, but he'll be cool." "Remember what we talked about." "You got to be strong." "Now one more time." "Don't you want a washboard stomach and rock-hard pecs?" "No, I want a flabby gut and saggy man-breasts." "That's good." "I want to quit the gym." "You want to quit?" "I want to quit the gym." "You do realize you won't have access to our new Swedish spa?" "I want to quit the gym." "Dave in the membership office handles quitters." "Excuse me." "Are you a member?" "Me?" "Sorry." "Members only." "I want to quit the gym!" "It's okay, man." "Be strong." "Are you a member of any gym?" "No, and I'm not going to be." "So save your little speech." "Okay, no problem." "Could you come here?" "Hi, I'm Maria." "You have really pretty feet." "These old things?" "Would you spend time on my sciatic area?" "It's killing me." "You mean..." "By sciatic, you mean the towel-covered portion?" "Sure, I can do that." "Because the muscles in the sciatic area can get real nice and tight." "So tell me, Rick, how did you injure the area?" "A 16-hour sit-in for Greenpeace." " Did you just bite me?" " No!" "Please don't kick the girls out." "This was my fault." "You want me to kick you guys out instead?" "You can't." "Where would the chick and the duck live?" "You have pets?" "Those are nicknames." "I'm the "chick," and chandler's the "duck."" "I would've thought it was the other way around." "Come on." "Let the girls stay." "I'll do whatever you want." "Really?" "You'd do anything?" "Yeah, absolutely." "I got something." "What is it?" "Can you be my dancing partner?" "That's not prison lingo, is it?" "I want to quit the gym." "Can you honestly tell me that you're 100% satisfied with your body." "Yes, yes." "Most of the time." "I mean, sure, I have my bad days, but then I remember what a cute smile I have." "We were voted "Best-equipped Gym in New York" two years running." " Do you really want to give that up?" " Yes, I hate it here." "Everything that you have in here is very heavy." "Really?" "Okay?" "You want to make your friend work out alone?" " What friend?" " Your friend Ross." "Just joined." "His dancing partner?" "There's this superintendents' dance, "The Super Ball."" "He wants to impress Marge, this lady super he likes." "Why not practice with a girl?" "He's too shy." "He's not good enough to dance with girls yet." "Yeah, right." "He almost danced me right down that garbage chute." "Would you let it go already?" "You're fine." "So did you quit?" "I almost did." "Couldn't leave Ross there without a spotter." "Wait, now, so you joined the gym?" "And that's funny, why?" "I was just, you know, picturing you working out, and... well, that's it." "We're doomed." "They'll take $50 a month from our accounts for the rest of our lives." "What are we gonna do?" "You could actually go to the gym." "Or we could go to the bank close our accounts and cut them off at the source." "You're a genius." "Oh, man!" "But then, we won't be bank buddies." "Now there's two reasons." "You guys, remember that cute client I told you about?" "I bit him." " Where?" " On the tushy." "And that's not against your oath?" "I know, but the moment I touch him I want to throw out my old oath and take a new, dirty one." "Next time, try to distract yourself." "Like when I'm doing something exciting and I don't want to get too excited." "I try and think of other things." "Like sandwiches and baseball and chandler." " Thank you." " Oh, no, thank you." "All right, I'm here." "Let's get this over with." "Okay, well just follow my lead." "Don't we need to do some kind of preparation first?" "Like get really drunk?" "Come on." "Hey, just put your arms around me." "I'm sorry." "No." "It's okay." "But if I'm Marge my breasts are coming out my back." "Forget it!" "I'm not being any good at this." "My mom was right." "I'm just a big potato with arms and legs and a head." "Come on, man." "You're not a potato." "I'm sure as hell not a dancer." "It's no use." "Marge will never go for me." "Come on, Treeger." "Don't say that." "You just need more practice." "Come on." "Let's try it again." "Plus, it was probably mostly my fault anyway." "I'm not that comfortable dancing with a..." "So how goes the dancing?" "Gay yet?" "You guys owe me bigtime." "What was that?" "You just did a little dancy thing." " No, I didn't." " Yes, you did." " You did a little hop." " You are so enjoying this." "No, I'm not." "And it wasn't a hop." "It was a pas de bourree." "You know the words!" "You are so into this!" "Maybe I'm enjoying it a little." "I'm getting pretty good at it." "This is so sweet." "Joey, our little twinkletoes." "This isn't some kind of girly dance." "It's like a sport, it's manly." " Show me some "manly" moves." " All right." "I don't know how to lead." "Hello." "We'd like to close our accounts." "Close your accounts?" "Is there a problem?" "No, we'd just like to close them." "Ms. Lambert handles all our closures." "Would you come over here, please?" "Hi, I'm Karen." "I want to quit the bank!" "Okay." "Baseball." "Rick playing baseball." "He slides into second." "Maybe even his pants come down a little." "Okay, sandwiches." "Sandwiches." "Okay, on a plate." "Maybe Rick's pants come down a little." "Chandler." "Okay, Chandler." "That's working!" "Chandler's knees." "Chandler's ankles." "Chandler's ankle hair." "Oh, no!" "Okay, you're all set." "Wow!" "That was amazing!" "Was that really just an hour?" "In really long-hour world." "What?" "I have an enormous crush on you." "But since you're a client, I can't ask you out even though you give me the feelings." "I had no idea." "I can always find another masseuse." "Really?" "Yeah, really." "What?" "Suddenly I'm very aware I'm naked." "Quiet down." "Mr. Simon's been waiting..." "oh, my God!" "Why wasn't I offered that?" "I'd definitely pay more for that." "We have rules here." "This is not that kind of place." "I know, but this isn't how it looks at all because Rick is my husband." "Oh, really?" "You'd better tell his other wife." "She called three times asking where he is." "Yes, I will tell her." "So you didn't leave the bank?" "And somehow we ended up with a joint checking account." "What will you ever use that for?" "To pay for the gym." "So I had a great day." "Rick and I hit it off." "We were making out." "Then my boss walked in and fired me for being a whore." " You got fired?" " Oh, my gosh!" "It's so weird." "I have never been fired from anything." "Sweetie." "I started walking around, not knowing what to do next." "I started asking people on the street if they wanted massages." "Then these policemen thought I was a whore too." "It's really been a bad day, whore-wise." "Hey, Duck." "Is chick here?" "Yeah, Bunny Rabbit." "Ready for our last practice?" "We're not getting that spin right because my place is too small." " Want to use our place?" " No, I had another idea." "We did it!" "That was incredible!" "That was amazing!" "We totally nailed it!" "Hey, listen." "Thanks a lot, Tribbiani." "Oh, my God!" "Look at the time." "I got to catch the bus to the ball." "Good luck." "Unless you want to practice the fox trot." "Or the tango?" "Thanks, but no." "You see, I think I'm ready to dance with girls." " Go get them, Treeger." " Right." "You want to come?" "Marge has a friend." "Really?" "You'd dance good with her." "She's the same size as me." "No, I'm good." "It looks like you've got great experience." "Let's see." "Reason for leaving last job?" "They thought I was a whore." "Okay." "We'll give you a call if anything comes up." "Great." "Thank you very much." "[ENGLISH]"