"( theme song playing )" "CARTER:" "Boy, there are a lot of guards and dogs out tonight." "I wonder why." "Well, it ain't Be Kind to Animals Week, mate." "If they find LeBeau," "I sure hope it's Be Kind to Prisoners Week." "They won't catch LeBeau." "( door opens and closes )" "Not back yet?" "Maybe he didn't make contact with the agent, Colonel." "Carter, Newkirk, out the tunnel in case LeBeau needs cover." "Yes, sir." "That agent has enough information to make or break the Allied landing in France." "I guess that makes it worth the risk." "Kinch, the only thing that's important is victory-- even though you may have to sacrifice three good men." "Yes, sir." "And if they're not back in 15 minutes, we're going out to get them." "Right." "( something pops )" "Hello, hello" "I didn't know the pubs were open." "CARTER:" "Boy, the Colonel has sure been worried about you." "Our agent was very nervous;" "I thought we'd relax a minute." "You go ahead now." "Uh, do you mind if we relax with you?" "Sorry, only have two glasses." "Well, I'll drink out of her glass." "A girl as pretty as that," "I'd drink out of her shoe." "What girl?" "I guess he means me." "How about that?" "We've been together for four hours." "That's the first time I realized she's not a man." "Really?" "Go on..." "Oh, he's lovely." "Two more minutes, we call off the whole mission." "I'll notify London." "All right." "Oh, Colonel?" "Mm-hmm?" "Now I know what took so long." "LeBEAU:" "Colonel Hogan, Kristina Gerald." "I'm very happy to meet you." "She's Danish." "I love your pastry." "I'm afraid I have bad news, Colonel." "What's that?" "The underground courier system has been broken." "Oh, great." "We've got agents in Paris, Cherbourg, Le Havre," "Brussels, Amsterdam, just waiting for these plans." "And they've got to have them by the weekend." "I was told that you would think of a way to distribute them." "Yeah, with all these guards around," "I also have to think of a way to get you out of this camp." "Well, you shouldn't have to strain yourself, Colonel." "You just think of a way of getting those plans all over Europe, and I'll think of a way of getting Kristina out of the camp." "I'm bound to come up with something in, oh, two or three months." "Can't send the plans by radio." "An interception could wreck the whole invasion." "How do you like my croissants?" "LeBeau..." "The underground courier system is out." "How do you like my croissants?" "LeBeau, do you mind?" "The only way is to send the plans by hand to all locations, but that means risking five men." "How do you like my croissants?" "Would you please tell him so we can get on with World War II?" "Mmm, I loved them." "I always say if you can lift 'em, you can eat 'em." "And I say that's no way to talk to Betty Crocker." "And I say I'm not inviting either of you to my dinner tonight." "Carter, I thought you were supposed to announce our guests." "Sorry, Colonel." "Announcing Sergeant Hans Schultz." "LeBeau, I knew you were baking." "Oh, it was driving me crazy." "You can have one, Schultz." "There's nothing like the smell of garlic bread, huh?" "Garlic bread?" "!" "KINCH:" "Ahh, you've struck a nerve, Schultz." "I was only joking, LeBeau." "Give him the croissant so he can leave." "You're going with me;" "Colonel Klink wants to see you." "Who's he?" "Oh, him?" "He's an old buddy of mine from Stalag 23, just came over for a home-cooked meal." "( chuckles softly )" "Jolly joker." "You should tell your buddy to cut his curls." "Yeah, okay, Schultz." "Just a moment!" "Well, if we're going to dance, I want to lead." "( mumbling )" "We are not going to dance." "Oh, what a shame-- I do a mean waltz." "You waltz?" "( chuckles )" "In Hammelburg, they call me" "Die Glitterzehe." "What's that?" "Das ist "Der Twinkletoes."" "You? "Twinkletoes"?" "( starts humming "Blue Danube" by Strauss )" "( all join in singing )" "CARTER:" "Twinkletoes, they're playing our song." "The music drives my feet crazy!" "Hey, Schultz, we better get over to Klink's or you're going to be waltzing in your snowshoes." "You're so right, Colonel Hogan." "* Auf Wiedersehen... *" "* Auf Wiedersehen... *" "Whew!" "May I, uh, have this dance, please?" "Music, maestro, please." "( imitating band playing "Blue Danube" )" "I'm very disappointed in you, Schultz, frisking me, of all people." "Colonel Klink's orders." "I know nothing." "Hi, Hilda-- is our fearless leader in?" "He's waiting for you." "Would you want me to strip, Schultz?" "I may be carrying a Luger in my shorts." "( flatly ):" "Jolly joker." "Looks like I walked in on an Edgar G. Robinson movie." "KLINK:" "Come in, Hogan, come in." "Mind telling me what this is all about, sir?" "General Burkhalter's orders:" "Guards of prisoner- of-war camps will be doubled and all commandants are to have personal bodyguards." "That's why you brought in Baby Face Nelson." "In the past week, two POW commandants were shot," "Colonel Bergdorf of Stalag Nine and Colonel von Runkel of Stalag 12." "And General Burkhalter figures you're next, right?" "I am not concerned in the least." "I suppose Schultz frisked me looking for candy bars." "I am just doing this to humor General Burkhalter." "Why would you want to shoot me?" "You're right, you're right-- nobody'd want to knock you off." "Beside, von Runkel had it coming." "He did?" "He refused to give the prisoners white bread." "Hilda!" "Jawohl, Kommandant?" "Double the ration of white bread for all the prisoners." "Jawohl, Kommandant." "How long do you think prisoners are going to put up with a commandant who steals their Red Cross packages?" "Oh, I'm... glad you mentioned that, Hogan." "What's that?" "I was holding this for you for safekeeping." "Sure you were." "If I don't watch them, these guards will steal everything." "Not you, Hans." "Dismissed!" "Hogan... the reason I sent for you-- and I'm not afraid-- just tell me:" "What do the prisoners really think of me?" "What do we think of you?" "Now, be honest:" "What are they saying about me?" "( clock starts cuckooing )" "( laughs )" "Took the words right out of my mouth!" "Dis... missed." "Colonel... where did you get this clock?" "What's the matter with the clock?" "I knew it-- it's a boobytrap." "Wait-- it's not a boobytrap." "It just may be a rare antique." "Antique?" "Yeah, my mother was an antique dealer." "This could be one of those famous Hammelburg cuckoo clocks." "Well, as a matter of fact, this clock did come from Hammelburg." "No..." "If you don't mind, sir," "I'd like to authenticate it." "How?" "Well, first I have to look at the bird." "The bird?" "Uh-huh." "Well?" "Uh-huh..." "Um, Colonel..." "I'll give you $25 for it." "Twenty-five dollars?" "All right, 35." "Hogan, you are wasting your time." "All right, my top offer, $50." "This is a family heirloom." "$50 and I'll throw in the Red Cross package." "For such a rare clock?" "My final offer, $100-- take it or leave it." "$100 and the Red Cross package." "It's a deal." "Yeah, I... only wish I could get another one just like it." "Thank you, Hogan." "You'll be very happy with that clock." "And some people say you wouldn't give them the time of day." "See you later, Colonel." "Herr Kommandant,uh... what is he doing with your cuckoo clock?" "I sold it to him for $100." "A hundred dollars?" "In Hammelburg, they sell it for ten marks, which is three dollars..." "Shh!" "Not a word about that to Colonel Hogan." "Oh, I'll say nothing." "A hundred dollars?" "( chuckles )" "And they wonder why they're losing the war." "Well, no Gypsy violins?" "We thought in honor of our guest we would have a candlelight dinner, Colonel." "Well, I don't mind, but, uh... how come Carter's the lucky one?" "I'm just the lead-off man, sir." "Yeah, you see, Colonel, we drew lots." "I have the appetizer with her." "And I get the salad." "And I sit down for the entrée." "And she gets me for dessert." "That sounds fair." "I think it's a delightful idea." "It's a shame we ran out of courses, sir." "Oh, that's all right." "I'll go along with her when she walks off the dinner." "Where'd you get that, sir?" "Oh, I bought it from Klink for $100." "A hundred dollars?" "That looks like the ones they sell in Hammelburg for ten marks." "Yeah, but it's a good investment." "I'm going to put Klink in the cuckoo clock business." "A hundred dollars?" "That clock isn't the only thing around here that's cuckoo." "( humming a jaunty waltz )" "( knock on door )" "Come in, come in." "You sent for me, Colonel?" "Yes, Hogan." "( cuckoos )" "Don't tell me you found another one of those rare old cuckoo clocks, sir." "Don't ask me how, but I managed to do it." "That certainly looks authentic, sir." "Go see for yourself-- check the bird." "Uh-huh... uh-huh..." "Uh-oh..." "What's the matter?" "It's phony, sir." "What do you mean?" "Look at the bird." "His eyes are too close together." "Mm-hmm, mm-hmm." "The eyes are close together." "Come to think of it, so are yours, sir." "Schultz?" "Schultz?" "!" "Herr Kommandant?" "Bring in the other clock." "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant." "You've got another clock, sir?" "Hogan..." "I was just testing you." "I know that's not a rare old clock." "Oh, you're foxy." "KLINK:" "All right, Schultz, bring it in, bring it in." "Thank you." "Thank you very much, Schultz." "There we are." "Now, check this bird." "Well, well?" "Mmm... huh?" "Yeah, yeah, that's... that's a genuine antique Hammelburg cuckoo bird." "I knew it, Hogan;" "it's in the eyes." "Yeah." "Well, here's your hundred dollars, sir." "Never mind;" "this clock is not for sale." "You're cruel, sir, taunting me with that rare antique." "Since you were kind enough to let me know how valuable they are," "I have decided to go into the cuckoo clock business." "You're kidding." "I know where I can lay my hands on 50 such clocks, and I'm sending them to an antique dealer in Paris." "Wrong." "I should do wonderful business with so many German tourists there now." "Give me back my hundred dollars, sir, and I'll tell you how to do a better business." "Hogan, I do not need your advice." "All right, just trying to give you the benefit of my mother's 30 years in the antique business." "All right." "If you have a very good idea, I'll give you $50." "A hundred dollars and my Red Cross package back." "All right." "All right, now, the first rule in rare cuckoo clocks is not to flood the market." "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "What you do is send one clock to an antique dealer in each city." "Yeah, yeah." "What cities?" "Yeah, let's see now" "Paris, Le Havre, Cherbourg, Brussels and Amsterdam are best for antiques." "Then you just sit back and wait for the reorders to roll in." "Hogan, that's a very good idea." "Always leave them wanting more, sir." "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "SCHULTZ:" "Herr Kommandant, Herr Kommandant." "General Burkhalter's car just came through the gate." "General Burkhalter is coming here?" "Ja." "It's best that Burkhalter doesn't know you're in the cuckoo clock business, sir." "You're right, Hogan." "Schultz, take the clocks out of my car and put them in the supply room." "Wrong!" "The guards will steal them there." "No offense, Schultz." "Hogan, you're right again." "Take them and put them in my quarters." "No, better yet, put them in the guest room closet." "Yeah, yeah." "Schultz, I'll take four more clocks to the barracks with me." "Why four more clocks?" "Check the eyes in the birds." "If they're authentic, I'll have Hilda send them out with the next courier." "Very good, Hogan, very good." "( gasps )" "You clumsy oaf!" "Is he a clumsy oaf to show respect for an officer?" "No, General Burkhalter, I was just afraid he might have dropped the box on your foot." "Out with the box, Schultz." "( chuckles )" "What is in that box?" "!" "Colonel Klink just passed out the Red Cross packages." "If von Ronkel had done it, he would be alive today." "And so would Hesselrote." "Hesselrote?" "He got it yesterday at Stalag 23." "Aw, you don't have to worry." "No one would try to knock off Colonel Klink." "They won't get a chance." "By the time I leave tomorrow, this camp will be safe enough for the Führer." "Did you say tomorrow?" "Yes." "Where are you going to stay?" "In your guest room-- where else?" "Oh, yes, of course, my guest room." "It slipped my mind." "Klink!" "What is it, General?" "Where is your bodyguard?" "You read my orders." "Really, General, there is no need for a bodyguard." "The prisoners love me." "They have their Red Cross packages, white bread..." "Klink!" "You are the one commandant who should have a bodyguard, a bulletproof vest and your office in a tank." "All right, Kristina, you got those plans for the underground?" "Ja, Colonel, here they are." "Pass them along." "Put a set of plans in each of the clocks, fellas." "How are they going to be delivered?" "Through the courtesy of Wilhelm Klink, the grand old man of antique dealers." "Klink went for your plan, huh?" "Like a ton of sauerbraten." "I'd better contact the underground." "Right." "Here's a list of the antique dealers who are going to be receiving the clocks." "Tell them they're going out tonight by courier." "Okay." "Colonel Hogan, I'm grateful for your hospitality, but I think I should be leaving now." "Oh, you're safer here with us, love." "Yeah, our home is your home." "I'll make some curtains for the window;" "you'll love it." "She's right-- if we don't get her out tonight, we may never have the chance." "The area's swarming with guards!" "We'll stage a diversion." "It's not going to be that easy with General Burkhalter here." "Maybe we should wait till Burkhalter leaves." "On the other hand," "Burkhalter may be the answer to our problem." "Need a couple of men for a job." "Who's good at winding cuckoo clocks?" "Come in, Quiche Lorraine." "( static )" "Mama Bear calling Quiche Lorraine." "Come in, please." "Contact the underground yet?" "Nothing yet, Colonel." "WOMAN ( over radio ):" "Mama Bear, this is Quiche Lorraine." "This is it." "Go ahead, Quiche Lorraine." "I have received your message and the names of the antique dealers, but we do not know what we are to pick up." "I repeat, one Hammelburg cuckoo clock." "Mama Bear, we cannot find "cuckoo clock" in the code book." "Quiche Lorraine, it's not in the code book." "We're talking about a real Hammelburg cuckoo clock." "I'm afraid I do not understand "cuckoo clock."" "LeBeau, explain to her in your native tongue, huh?" "Right." "Hello, Mademoiselle-- un coucou." "C'est une pendule avec un petit oiseau à l'intérieur, et a chaque heure le petit oiseau sort de la pendule et il fait, coucou, coucou." "Comment vous appelez-vous et quel est votre numéro de téléphone?" "Ah, oui, je compris." "Jeannine Bobinet," "Sablon neuf, neuf, neuf, cinq." "Over and out." "My high school French tells me you just got her name and phone number." "We French people always mix a little business with pleasure." "Mm-hmm." "( both grunting )" "Oh, blimey." "Boy, it's a miracle." "Everything go all right?" "Yeah, we crawled to barracks three-- we got pinned down by the search lights." "But we crawled under the barracks and through the delousing station, and we got to Klink's quarters just before they released the dogs." "We were winding the clocks and old Schultz came in." "So we jumped out through the back window." "It was only a 20-foot drop." "And when Newkirk came to, we crawled past the machine gun emplacements and jumped over the electric warning wire." "We... we got back here while they were changing the guard." "In other words, just a routine mission." "Yeah." "Yeah, that's..." "that's right." "Now, is there anything I can get you, General, before you go to sleep-- perhaps a glass of warm milk?" "Warm milk?" "!" "Ah, I always have a glass before bedtime;" "makes me sleep like a baby." "Take my word, Klink, this is no time to be a sound sleeper." "Oh, I appreciate your concern, General, but I can assure you, you need not worry about my life being in danger." "I'm not worried about your life." "If they get you, I am next." "( knock on door )" "Oh, excuse me, General, but another blanket, in case it gets cold." "Thank you." "Take off my boots." "Yes, General Burkhalter." "Not you" " Schultz!" "Well, I thought perhaps that the sergeant would tuck you in while I'm taking..." "Quiet!" "( clocks ticking loudly )" "What is it?" "Can't you hear?" "Oh, you mean that funny noise that sounds like clocks ticking?" "Yes." "I don't hear it." "Oh, I can hear it." "Quiet!" "And it sounds as if it's coming from this closet." "No, no, no, no, no, no, no, Colonel, not from that closet." "Schultz is right, the ticking isn't coming from this closet." "They have planted a time bomb." "( gasps )" "Maybe it's in the drawer." "I see nothing." "Excuse me, gent..." "Hogan, not now, please." "It's rather important, sir." "Colonel Hogan, not now." "We are looking for a time bomb." "Wait a minute." "If the prisoners set a time bomb in my room, their leader would not be here." "That's very clever of you, General, very clever." "You see why we're winning the war, Hogan." "It's great minds like General Burkhalter." "It could be a time bomb." "What?" "!" "The Gestapo's always pulling stunts like that, and you know how they feel about generals." "Hogan is right." "Guards!" "Guards!" "Fire squad, bring the hose." "( alarm bells ringing )" "General Burkhalter, why don't you sleep in my quarters tonight?" "I'll sleep here, huh?" "BURKHALTER:" "Guards!" "Fire squad, bring the hose." "( alarm bells continuing )" "There you go, Kristina." "There you go." "It was nice meeting you." "I sure enjoyed our dinner." "Well, it was nice meeting all of you." "Thank you for everything." "Hope we see you again real soon." "Hey, now that you know where we are, don't be a stranger." "CARTER:" "Hey, wait a minute, my hat." "( whispers ):" "Come on." "Believe me, General, there is no time bomb." "We've looked everywhere." "Quiet!" "( clocks ticking )" "It sounds like it's coming from the closet." "I've looked there already." "Then we'll look again." "NEWKIRK:" "Fire detail!" "Ticking comes from these boxes." "Drench the boxes." "Not in the closet!" "Out of the way, Klink." "All right, that's enough, fellas." "Yeah, that's fine." "That does it." "Quiet!" "( silence )" "The ticking has stopped." "I knew it would." "What was it?" "It was just your basic, everyday Gestapo time bomb." "It still might go off." "I'll sleep in your quarters tonight, Klink." "Come, Schultz." "Nice work, fellas." "Thank you, sir." "Thank you, sir." "Oh, Commandant, as long as we have the hose, anything else you want watered down?" "( stammering )" "Uh..." "I think that'll be all, fellas." "Thank you." "Night, sir." "Night, sir." "My antique clocks-- they're ruined." "Don't be too sure, sir." "( cuckoo warbling )" "( gurgling )" "( cuckoo stops )" "KINCH:" "Oh, Colonel." "We just got word from the underground." "Kristina is safe and they got the four cuckoo clocks." "Four?" "Yeah, they're going to have to steal the other one, the one that went to Paris." "How come?" "Well, the dealer said it was a real antique, not for sale." "A real antique?" "!" "Yeah, he said you could tell by the eyes." "( laughs )" "Colonel Hogan, please, Commandant Klink is waiting." "Wanted to see me, Colonel?" "Ah, Hogan, please, sit down, sit down." "I'm terribly sorry about what happened last night." "Just when you had the antique cuckoo clock market sewed up." "That's what I wanted to see you about." "What's that?" "A statue of Brunhilde of Hammelburg." "Brunhilde of Hammelburg?" "Oh, yes, very famous in local history-- the only girl in town to date Attila the Hun." "Now... if this is a real antique, I know where I can get some more." "I'll take it back to the barracks and see." "Why take it back to the barracks, huh?" "I'm a cuckoo clock man, myself." "LeBeau's our man in stomach clocks." "He..."