"*[Man Singing]" " So what can I get you?" " Vodka tonic." "Oh, no, you didn't." "[Bell Ringing]" " *[Continues]" " What are you doing?" "I'm starting a new thing." "Every time somebody orders a vodka tonic, I dance." " Why?" " Apparently, people buy more drinks... if there's a visual element to their experience." "Huh." " [Groaning] - [Glass Shatters]" "Whoo!" " Sam?" " *[Continues]" "Oh, my God." "Jolie." " [Laughs]" " You look great." "Thanks." "Just happy you remembered my name." "Of course I do." "We went out three times." "Two and a half." "You disappeared on our third." "No, l-I didn't." "I just..." "I had to go very suddenly." "L..." "I said good-bye." "Right in the middle of foolin' around." "[Laughs]" "How do you think that makes a girl feel?" " What'd you see down there, a goblin?" " What?" "No." "I really had to go." "What was so important you had to run out?" "My brother." "Uh, my-my brother just got out of the hospital that day... and I started to feel really guilty that I wasn't there for him." "I had a scrot scare." "I was touch-and-go for a while." "He's a good man." "*[Continues]" "Why didn't you tell me that?" "Because I really liked you, and l-l-l..." "I felt like a dork." " Give me another chance?" " God gave my boy beans another chance." "You should give him another chance." "We can have dinner tomorrow night..." "That Italian place you like with hanging wine bottles." "Marino's." "You remember." "All right." "One more chance." "All right." " What was the real reason you bailed?" " Pooped my pants." "[Clinks]" "Good morning, Darcy." "Any messages?" "Yes." "The adoption agency called." "They've narrowed it down to three places I could be from." " One of them is Asia." " Great." "Yeah." "I'm thinking about doing a flyby to see if anybody looks like me." "So no messages for me then." "This airline is dying!" "Our planes are emptier than a Hollywood studio on Yom Kippur." "And it's all because of one man:" "Sir Richard Branson, head of Virgin Atlantic." "That bungee-jumping British beefeater has got us by the tea biscuits." "They have 30% of the Atlantic market." "We have four." "I'm tired of bitch-shuffling around Branson's tailpipe to see what comes out next." "I want answers, people." "[Murmuring]" "Well, I've heard his upper-class in-flight amenities are pretty cool." "Oh, have you, Fonzie?" "Why don't you punch the jukebox and tell us what you know?" "They give out massages, uh, the seats turn into beds..." " they give you p.j.'s." " P.J. 's?" "We're getting our baby grapes handed to us by p.j.'s?" "Well, it's not just that." "From what I hear..." " they kind of have a sexy vibe goin' on." " [Chuckles] Sexy vibe, huh?" "The last time I was beaten by a sexy vibe..." "Angie Dickinson had me bent over a tub at the Plaza wearing a Nazi uniform." " [Laughing] - [Laughing]" "[Barks, Growls]" "Thesis!" "I want you to buy an upper-class ticket... on tonight's Virgin Atlantic flight to Hong Kong." "Find out everything they're doing that we're not." " Tonight?" " Yes, tonight." "Is that a problem?" "Problem?" "No, no." "It's-It's the opposite of a problem." " It's great." "Tremendous." " I want a report as soon as you get back." "Everyone else, keep doing what you're doing to keep this airline tied for 11 th." "Watch out, Aloha Air." "We're gunning' for ya!" " So what ya got cookin' tonight, Sizzler?" " I have a date." " Guy or girl?" " What?" "What?" "Just reschedule." "I've already blown her off once." "I can't do it again." "Ah, work and play." " The age-old dilemma of the young gay executive." " What?" " What?" " What?" "[Airplane Passing Overhead]" "*[Man Singing]" "*[Continues]" "*[Ends]" "*[Men Vocalizing]" " *[Ends]" " Hey." " Hey." " Hey." " Hey." " Hey." " Hey." " Hey." "Oh, God, my life is over." "My boss is making me check out Virgin's first class to Hong Kong tonight." "I have to bail on Jolie." "I don't know what I'm gonna do." "Whenever my dad gets a first-class ticket, he cashes it in... for two business-class tickets and takes my mom." "And then they get really drunk, and then the pilot makes them land." "That's a good idea." "I could take Jolie to Hong Kong tonight." "You're gonna take a girl you barely know to Hong Kong?" "I don't barely know her." "I've gone out with her two and a half times." "Which makes this the third date." "The sex date." "Know what I mean?" "Hey!" "[Clicks Tongue] Hey!" "No, no, no." "It's not the third date." "Too much time's passed." "The clock resets." "Dude, he's taking her to Hong Kong." "Read my lips:" "Play will be gotten." " Could you read 'em?" " Yeah." " [Giggles] Cool." " Hey, fools, get in here!" "It is on, baby!" "Check it." "I'm starting a sandwich company." "Question:" "What is the number one complaint about delivered sandwiches?" "They're soggy." "They're made in the store." "By the time they get to you, they are soggier than a Frenchman's jelly bag." " That's soggy." " Damn straight." "Solution?" "I bring this puppy." "I put it in the car." "I make sandwiches in front of customers." "Thus is born Sully's Non-soggy, Really Delicious Sandwiches... or "Snards" for short." "Cut to..." "Sully's a billionaire." "Fade out..." "Sully buys Florida." "Epilogue..." "Mom and Dad love me more." "[Clicks Tongue]" "Do you know how to use this thing?" "You kiddin' me?" "It's all in the wrist, my friend." "All in the wrist." "You just gotta get in there and..." "Oh!" "[Exhales] Huh." "Sorry about your shirt there, Sammy." "*[Man Singing]" "You know this doesn't count as a third date." "The clock resets." "Well, I..." "I don't even know what you're talking about." "Why'd you wanna pick me up so early?" "I have a surprise for you." "How do you feel about Chinese food?" "Depends on the place." "Well, this place is really authentic." " What's it called?" " Hong Kong." "Is that the one with the Chinese Elvis?" "No." "This is in the country of Hong Kong." "I'm flying you to Hong Kong for dinner." " Oh, my God." "Are you serious?" " I work for an airline." "One of the perks." "Wow!" "This is the kind of thing that might bump a guy up to third-date status." "I don't know what you're talking about." "*[Man Singing]" "[No Audible Dialogue]" "*[Ends]" "[Tires Squealing]" "This is the most incredible thing I've ever done." "I know." "I can't wait to see this plane." "They've retrofitted a 747 with fewer seats than Boeing initially designed... but somehow managed to keep their income per plane the same as a fully seated plane." "It's brilliant." "I'm sorry to douche out." "I just really like airplanes." "No, no." "I like that you're passionate about your job." " It's sexy." " Cool." "God, this is taking so long." "I gotta "peeski" so bad." "Go to the bathroom." "I'll wait here." " You sure you're not gonna ditch me?" " Very funny." "[Elevator Bells Dings]" " Thesis.!" " Uh, Russ, Meryl." " Uh, what are you doing here?" " Ah, Branson's got me all twisted up." "So I figured me and the string bean here would catch the night flight to H. Kong." "Come on." "They called upper class." "Let's get on board." "[Stammers] l-l-I can't right now." "I have a premium economy ticket." "What?" "We paid you to check out upper class... not share a jug with the hoboes in the caboose." "Yeah, right, but I..." "I thought I could save the company money." " Oh?" " Yeah." "I traded in the upper-class ticket for coach... because I figured why pay full fare when I can sit in coach... and wander forward during the flight?" " Saved us six grand." " [Chuckles] You crafty little ferret." "I haven't seen this kind of fiscal responsibility... since Nixon told Ethiopia to suck it up." "Bravo, Sammy." "Looks like someone has their priorities firmly in place." "Very firmly." "[Man On P.A.] This is the final boarding call for all upper-class passengers." " We should get on, Russ." " Yeah, right." "You do your recon, we'll do ours." "Meet up mid-Pacific and share intel." " Now, do I have time for a Cinnabon?" " No." " Well, but-but it's right... it's right there." " No!" "*[Women Vocalizing]" " Thesis, let's go." "I've seen enough." " What?" "That plane is a work of art." "It's rattan Versailles there." "I don't need to spend 30 large to find out we've got a throatload of work." "But there may be some nuances we're unaware of that can only be evaluated in flight." " We've seen enough, Sam." " Still, there's no substitute for cold, hard research." "You're off the hook." "You don't have to go." "The pastries." "I've heard there's an incredible pastry cart." "Okay, you're acting even spazzier than usual." " Somethin' goin' on?" " No." "Good." "We're moving out." "I want you to get ahold of Francis up in Design." "Get him pounding on this right away." "I want him to copy these planes right down to the layout in the cockpit." " You getting this, boy?" " Francis, pounding, cockpit." "I should write this down." "Let me run to that kiosk and buy a notepad and a novelty pen." "Oh, and if you should happen to see a state of Missouri miniature spoon... pick it up, would you, for my son, Keith?" " It's the only one he's missing." " Yes, sir." " Did everyone board already?" " Yes, madam." "Quickly, please." "Oh." " Okay." " *[Women Vocalizing]" "Jolie!" "[Sighs]" "Jo..." "[Woman] You have 36 new messages." "[Jolie] Hi, Sam." "It's me." "I just wanna let you know I'm on the plane." " [Beeps]" " Sam, um, hi." "Where are you?" " [Beeps]" " Sam, they're closing the doors now." " [Beeps]" " I'm scared." " [Beeps]" " Where are you?" " [Beeps]" " Dude, it's me, Sully." "I took your car." "Jack rammers!" " Has she called yet?" " No, nothin'." "What took you so long to get home?" "I had to take the shuttle." "Sully took my car." "I'm gonna kill him." "No, Sam, don't." "He's really upset." "He's gotten zero orders for his Snards." "They kinda suck, and he's taking it really personally." "Why did you leaveJolie on the plane to start with?" "I mean, why didn't you say something?" "If Russ found out I'd taken a date on business, he'd fire me." "I'm such a J-hole." "I should've just told Russ I was there with Jolie." " I pussed out!" " Sam, don't be so hard on yourself." "At the last second, you chose your professional life over your personal life." " Yeah, I pussed out." " Meow, meow, kitty." " What do I do?" " You're probably gonna have to marry her." " Piper?" " First, you need to get in touch with her... then get her out of Hong Kong, and then you're probably gonna have to marry her." "[Sighs] I'm so screwed." "Not as screwed as a white girl wandering the streets of Hong Kong." "I just had the most amazing idea." "I think I figured out a way to turn around my business." "Check it.!" "For every 10-Snards order, I sculpt an animal made of lunch meat." "This, Sam, is a duck made out of ham." " You took my car again, suck-lick." " No, no." "Sam, you're not getting the point." "You're in on the ground floor.!" " How am I on the ground floor?" " We took $400 from your ceramic bunny last night." "You took my bunny money?" " That money's for the future, Sully." " Shh!" "Sam." "My Snards are the future." "We are the future." "Yeah." " I can't believe you took my bunny!" " He's gone, Sam." " He's gone." " *[Man Singing]" "[Jolie] Hey, this is Jolie." "Leave a message." " [Sighs] - [Beeps]" "Hey, Darcy, big thing." "I need you to keep dialing this number until somebody picks up." "My friend's about to land and turn on her phone." "So keep dialing this until a girl named Jolie answers." "So, push this button with a picture of a phone on it... until I hear a human voice." "Just wanted to be clear so I didn't screw it up." "Pull me out of the meeting if you get her." " [Beeps]" " Got her." "Ooh!" " Jolie?" " You ditched me, Sam!" "How could you ditch me again?" "I'm so sorry." "My boss showed up and yanked me out of line." "The return flight doesn't leave until tomorrow morning, Sam." "What am I supposed to do?" "I'm all alone." "And people are staring' at me." "Get a cab." "Go to a hotel." "Whatever it costs, I'll take care of it." "It's the Dragon Boat Festival, Sam." "The town is booked." "The only room available is the presidential suite at the Mandarin Oriental." " Hugo Chávez was a no-show." " Book it." "[Sobbing] It's $6,000!" " Did you check the hostels?" " I'm gonna die here alone!" "Book the Mandarin." "Your flight gets back at 6:00 p.m. I'll pick you up at the airport." " You promise?" " I'll be there." "Did you happen to call the Y.M.C.A. On Kowloon?" "Aaah!" " I'm so scared." " Conference room, now!" " *[Man Singing In Foreign Language] - [Sobbing]" "We're going after Branson, people." "We are gonna take that broad-shouldered, limey prince down." "And from now on our flight to Hong Kong is called the ""Tiger Express".!" "It's a complete rip-off of Virgin Atlantic... right down to the hump music they pump in after takeoff." "We're having a big press conference at the airfield." "Russ is gonna strap on a sword, jump up on the wing and announce it to the world." "Yeah." "And we're gonna have tigers running up and down, getting people excited." " It's tomorrow at 6:00 p.m." " It's gonna be the event to end all events.!" "And I want everybody there!" "Any man that misses, don't bother coming in the next day." " Uh, Russ?" " Yes, Meryl." "Lady-men too." "[Sighs]" "*[Man Singing]" "[Sighs]" " *[Ends]" " Sully?" "Are you okay?" "No, Sam." "I'm not okay." "It's over." "Apparently there are many, many, many companies out there... that deliver really delicious sandwiches that are not at all soggy." "Companies that have telephones, computers, delivery vans... employees, turkey..." "all the things that I don't." " So you're gonna give up?" " Oh, listen, I know, okay?" "I'm the screwup, you're the golden child." "That's the way it's always gonna be." " Roll credits." " That's not true, entirely." "Nope, this proves it." "Work and I just don't mix." "I don't think that's what you should take from this." "And the ironic part is I really wanna be rich." "Life, huh?" "What a kick in the pants." "[Sighs]" "Well, you could work hard at something and try to stick with it." "[Laughs]" "Oh, Sammy." "Sit with me." "Come on." "I wanna mend fences." "I wanna make it up to you." " No, you don't have to do anything." " Let me in." "Brothers' hug." " Sully, no." "Sully!" "Sully!" "Stop it!" " Sammy, let me in." " [Sully] Um, it's okay." " Hey." " Let me in." "We can talk." " Did you talk toJolie?" "Yeah." "I'm supposed to pick her up from the airport tomorrow... but I have a work thing the same exact time her plane lands." " So?" "Call in sick." " I can't." "Russ said if we don't show up, we're fired." " He's fired!" " Thanks, Lizzy." " What are you gonna do?" " The only thing I can..." "Pick her up." "You're gonna risk getting fired just to go on a date?" "No." "I'm gonna risk getting fired because I don't wanna be 24, buried in work... and putting my job above everything else in my life." " I totally respect that." " If I've learned anything in my one day on the job..." " it's that life is too short, Brother." " Mmm." "And I may have a learning disability." "The point is, you're my only hope, baby bro..." " so I'm gonna help you." " No." "No, don't help me." " Just clean the meat out of my car." " I'm gonna do one better." " No, don't do me one better." "Just the meat." " Nope." "Do you one better." " Sully, just the car." " All right, just the car." "[Whispering] I'm gonna do him one better." "[Clicks Tongue]" "Darcy, it's Sam." "I need you to call Russ's office and tell them a personal matter came up... and I'm not gonna be able to make the Tiger Express this afternoon." "Oh, great." "Now you'll get fired... and I'll get to pursue my lifelong dream of becoming a crystal meth hooker." "Thanks, Sam." "Watch for me on HBO." "[Beeps]" " Jolie!" " Sam!" "It's... so good to see you." " Yeah." " Here." "It was on my pillow at the Mandarin." "Oh!" "[Chuckles]" "I am so sorry for what happened." "Uh..." "I let work interfere with my personal life, and it's not gonna happen again." " I don't know, Sam." "I heard that before." " But this is different." "I've put everything on the line so I could be here." "And that's the way it's gonna be from now on." "I swear." "Wow, Sam." "If all this made you realize you need more balance in your life..." "I guess in a weird way it was all worth it." " Good for you." " Great." "Great." " So you wanna go get some din..." " Sorry about that." "They want me on the cover of Chinese Forbes next week." "Who's the white ghost?" " Sam, the guy that bailed on me." " Oh." "This is Wing Lu." "He owns the Mandarin Oriental hotel chain... and Thailand." "Nice to meet you, Sam." "If I'd known ahead of time..." "I could have gotten you a discount on the room." "ButJolie and I had such a great time in the double shower." " [Laughing]" " What?" "Uh, we met in a taxi." "Chinese taxis have a real sexy vibe." " Wait." "You had sex together in a taxi?" " We did." "And on the dragon float at the parade this morning." " [Laughing]" " Wow." "I guess third-date rules are different in China." " [Laughs]" " See you around, Sam." "Crap-jackers!" "I can make the press conference!" "TransAlliance Airways proudly presents... the sexiest way to fly to Hong Kong... the Tiger Express.!" " [Applause] - [Shouts]" "[Speaking Foreign Language]" "That's Mandarin for the names of your hosts for this event..." "Ching Ching and Sing Song." " Roar!" " *[March]" "Cue the tigers." "*[Ends]" " Roar!" " ** [March]" " *[Ends] - [Person Coughing]" "Um, roar." "*[March]" " *[Ends] - [Feedback]" " [Ringing]" " Meryl, it's Sam." "I'm on my way." "Did they start yet?" " What are you talking about, Sam?" "You're already here." " [Russ] Roar.!" " What?" " I'm looking at you right now." " That's impossible." " *[March]" " Isn't that you in the back with the hat?" " Sully!" "[Russ] Roar.!" "*[Ends]" " Roar?" " *[Continues]" "[Applause]" " [Woman Screams] - [Growling]" "[Russ] Sam.!" " [Meryl] Sam.!" " Let me through!" " Sam.!" " I got a sword." " [Meryl] Oh.!" "Sam.!" " [Growls]" "It's okay!" "It's turkey!" "Look!" " [Indistinct]" " No!" " [Tiger Roars]" " Wait!" "Don't worry." "It's not me." "It's lunch meat sculpted to look like me." "My brother's an idiot." "See?" "It's okay!" "It's fine!" "Thesis, what the hell's going on here?" " Um." " [Tiger Snarling]" "[Stammering]" " [Tiger Roars]" " Uh, thank you all for coming." " [Stammers] This was to show you..." " [Tiger Roars]" "That TransAlliance's new Tiger Express... is going to eat the competition alive!" "[Tigers Roaring]" "[Laughing]" "** [March]" "Oh-oh.!" "Oh-oh-oh.!" "Huh?" "Son of a bitch." "You've done it again." "Only something this wackadoo could shock this zombie nation into attention." "Good reading of the zeitgeist, Thesis." "You really saved our bacon." "You pulled that one out of your lady hole." "[Tigers Roaring]" "*[Man Singing]" " *[Continues]" " Yeah." "I'll have a vodka tonic." "Sully!" "[Panting]" " Oh, no, you didn't." " [Bell Rings]" "*[Continues]" "*[Ends]" " [Whistling] Uh-oh." " [Zipper Zips]"