"Hi, Ma." " What are you making?" " History." "You finally perfected your non-rolling meatball?" "Hey, just because you have a chin doesn't mean you're Jay Leno." "Ooh, what smells so good in here, besides me?" "Lasagna á la Sophia." "I made it for the Daughters of Italy cooking contest." "All right, all right, you twisted my arm." " It's good." " It's delicious." " It's garbage!" " Ma, what are you talking about?" "You can't fool me." "I watched your faces." " Neither one of you got the look." " What look?" "The look that every cook knows and dreams about - the look of total instant pleasure." "Your father put that look on my face once." "That's nice, Ma." "Nice?" "I said once." "We were married 52 years!" " The mail's here." " Oh, Rose, what's wrong?" " Oh, nothing." "It's just a letter I got." " It's bad news." "Oh, that's eerie." "I had the same feeling." "My Aunt Gretchen in Fort Lauderdale died." " Honey, I'm sorry." " Oh, Rose." " Were you close to your Aunt Gretchen?" " No, I couldn't stand her." "Wait a minute, Rose." "Honey, if you didn't like your aunt, then why are you so upset?" "Because I'll have to speak at her funeral." "I'm terrified of speaking in front of people." " It's my biggest fear in the world." " Why can't somebody else speak?" "Gunuksenlurkin." "It's a family tradition." "It means the oldest niece has to give the eulogy." "Well, not literally." "Literally, it's a herring poacher you can wear as a sun visor." "The family got together and they decided that was close enough." "I take it that no member of your family was ever a returning champion on Jeopardy!" "Anyway, that's why I have to speak." "I've dreaded this day coming." "I just can't do it." "Rose, calm down." "Honey, now, listen." "I know an easy way to get through this." "The way to relax when you have to speak in front of a group of people is to imagine what they all look like naked." " Really?" " Yep." "And if you do it right, you'll probably even start to laugh." "Hi, Ma." "Hey, what is that smell?" "The sweet smell of success." "It's my new entry in the cooking contest." "Veal parmesan, my luckiest dish." "It saved my marriage once." "Ma, are you gonna tell a story?" "Please." "Does Heifetz rosin a bow?" "This is a tearjerker." "Picture this:" "New York City, 1931, the Depression." "Your father and I are newlyweds." "One rainy night, we have our first fight." "He says he's leaving, I say fine." "He goes out the door, I start to cook." "A few hours later, he comes back." "He says he couldn't find a cab." "We eat in silence." "Halfway through, I look up, and he's got tears in his eyes." "He tells me, "This meal is like our marriage."" "The veal is like him - tough and stubborn." "The tomato sauce is like me - hot and spicy." "And the mozzarella is like our love - it stretches, but it never breaks." "Ma, that's lovely, but I don't see what luck had to do with it." "You were conceived that night, Dorothy." "Ma." "What's lucky is your father never knew, or he never would've eaten my veal again." "Oh, honey, now, you'll just do fine." "No, I won't." "I remember the last time I tried to give a speech." "I was in high school." "Do you wanna hear about it?" "Would you follow us if we tried to make a run for it?" " Yes." " You were saying?" "It was my high school graduation." "I was valedictorian." " You were valedictorian?" " Yes." "I was fourth out of 19 graduating seniors." " Anyway..." " Wait, wait a minute." "Rose, if you were fourth, how were you chosen valedictorian?" "The same way every high school chooses the valedictorian." "We drew straws." " And you picked the biggest one?" " I don't like to brag..." "Anyway, the topic of my speech was, "There's a big world out there, but you have to change buses in Tyler's Landing if you wanna see it."" "Well, graduation day came, and everybody was there." "The mayor was there, his wife." "Old Johansson." "Young Johansson." "Big and Little Gustav." "The Stringmeyer twins." "Fat Jerry..." "Will you get to the point, Rose?" "The point is, I choked - wimped out, froze on the spot." "Since that day, I have never been able to speak in front of a crowd." "I say next time we try and outrun her." "Rose, listen, you're not the only one who's gone through this." "I had a phobia, too." "You, Dorothy?" "You were afraid of something?" "Big ol' strong, strapping thing like you?" "Who am I?" "Joe Frazier?" "I had a fear of flying." "And then my sister Gloria got married in California." "'Course, I had to go." "So I got myself some therapy." "And it worked." "Listen, honey, it's nothing to be ashamed of." "Everybody is afraid of something." " What are you afraid of, Blanche?" " Nothing." "You're a real team player, aren't you, Blanche?" "I'm not afraid of anything now, but I sure used to be." "Not a phobia exactly, but something just as bad - a recurring dream." "Night after night, I had this awful dream that I was trapped in an enclosed space full of men." "Now, what could that mean?" " Let's give this a second." " Now, wait a minute." "There's more to it." "All the men were bald." "Just me and a bunch of bald men." "Oh, and I kept hearing the voice of God." "One day I just finally said to myself," ""Blanche, you are bigger than this." "You don't have to succumb to any dream."" "Unless it involves meeting Mel Gibson in an oyster bar." "And just like that, it stopped." "Mind over matter." "You can do the same thing, Rose." " Oh, I don't know." " Come on." "Of course you can." "Just think positively." "That's right." "Why don't you go to your room and start working on your speech?" "Then after a while, you can try it out in front of me and Dorothy." " OK." " Yes, go on." "Go on, Rose." "Go on." "You know, I'm gonna tell you something - I'm sure glad I am not in her shoes." "Oh, I'd hate to have to give a eulogy." "What if it was my eulogy?" " What?" " What if you were giving a eulogy for me?" " What would you say?" " Oh, come on, Blanche." "No, I'm serious, Dorothy." "What would you say?" "Well, I guess I'd say that you were a lovely, generous person and, you know, one of the best friends I ever had." "Nothing about my looks?" "I'd say that you were one of the prettiest friends." " One of?" " The, Blanche!" "The prettiest." "What would you say about me?" " Dorothy, come on." " I told you." "You can tell me." "All right." "Well, I would say, "I always felt safe having you in the house."" "And I would say, "I always enjoyed talking to you when I'd come home from one of my numerous dates."" "And I would say, "I always looked up to you like an older sister."" "Thank you, Blanche." "Oh, and I forgot one thing." "I would also say you were fat." "I'm ready for practice my eulogy." "Blanche, stand there by the barbecue." "That's where Aunt Liv will be." " Where should I be?" " Right there." "That's where Uncle Gunther will be." "Oh, and it would help if you'd hum." " Is that part of the Viking funeral?" " No, Uncle Gunther just hums a lot." "If he has something important to say, he spells it out in salt." "Unless he's quoting a song by the Four Tops." "Then he spells it out in..." "In pepper." "Rose, can we just get on with the speech?" "OK." "Friends, family, Aunt Gretchen was a special person." "She... she..." "What's the point?" "I can't do this." " Of course you can." " You were doing just fine." "That's because you were here." "Tomorrow I'll be out there all alone, staring at my relatives, who'll be ready to snicker at the first crack in my voice." " They'll think I'm an idiot." " Please." "It's family." "They know you're an idiot." "There's only one way I'm gonna get through this - if you two will come with me to the funeral for support." "Oh, will you do it?" "Please, Blanche." "Please, Dorothy." " Please, Blanche." " I will if Dorothy will." "Please?" "If you really think it'll help, Rose, of course we'll do it." "Oh, thank you." "You are the best friends I've ever had." "Before I lose the nerve, I'd better make the plane reservations." "Plane reservations?" "I thought her aunt lived in Fort Lauderdale." "She did, but she's being buried in the Bahamas, where she spent her winters." "Damn!" "I don't have one thing in black that isn't see-through." "Boy, it's good you got over your fear of flying." " Oh, right." " Oh, the way you used to carry on." "Remember when we went to Uncle Michael's wedding in Arizona?" "Before we boarded the plane, you threw yourself on the ground, screaming." "Was a little embarrassing." "I'll say." "You were 48 years old." "It's all behind me now." "I'll tell you, I really feel very comfortable on planes." "Good, because you'll have to take a little plane to the Bahamas." "They flutter, they shimmy, they wobble." "You got a lot of guts, Dorothy." " I'm proud of you." " Thanks." "Please don't let them take me!" " What are you reading?" " I'm checking the weather in the Bahamas." "It's gonna be in the upper 80s, with a gentle breeze." "With that outdoor service, we'll come away with some colour." " Aunt Gretchen always loved the sun." " Well, maybe they'll have an open casket." "Girls, I have some bad news." "I am not gonna be able to go with you." " Why not?" " It's Ma." "She's sick." "I'm gonna have to take her to the hospital." "Wait a minute." "She left for that cooking contest about ten minutes ago." "She called." "She had a bad cannoli when she got there." "Right now, she is doubled over with cramps, crying out with pain and... making the most spectacular comeback since Dennis Hopper!" " Are you all right, Sophia?" " Of course I'm all right." "Halfway to the contest, I realised I forgot the wine." " For your mussels marinara?" " No, for me." "I always drink wine during cooking contests and My Sister Sam." "Dorothy, Sophia's not sick." "She didn't eat a bad cannoli." "So whoever called and said that was just making the whole thing up." "Rose, Dorothy made the whole thing up." "She doesn't want to go with us." " Well, you promised you'd go." " I know that's what I said." "And all I can say now is, tough!" "I'm not getting on that plane." "You can't make me." "Well, then I'm not going, either." "I don't believe my ears." "Girls, the entire purpose of this trip is to conquer our fears." "If we back out now, that'll mean our fears have conquered us." "And I will not allow that." "We are gonna march out that door right now, like the strong, confident women I know we are." "Chins up, chests out, buttocks tight." "I know "buttocks tight" has nothing to do with it - it just looks good." "Buttocks tight, I said." "Buttocks tight!" "Oh, forget it." "I'm proud of you." "You're doing beautifully." "Nobody would dream you have a fear of flying." "Unless they happened to glance at the bruises on my forearm." "Could you hold on to something else for a while?" "Oh, of course, honey." "I'm sorry." "I meant like the armrest." "Look, girls." "I found this big bolt in the aisle." "Where do you think it goes?" "With me - off this plane." " What was that?" " Them shutting the door." "They shut the door?" "Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen." "My name is Candy." "I'll be your flight hostess." "Please review the information cards in your seat pockets for the safety information in the unlikely event of a mishap during our flight." "Mishap?" "What does she mean by mishap?" "She means like bad movies or cold food or running out of ice." " Running out of gas..." " Oh, my God." "Will you just calm down?" "Here, drink some champagne." " I don't like champagne." " Go ahead." "It might relax you." "Didn't make me relaxed." "Just makes me wanna burp." "I'll burp, and the pressure in the cabin will change and we'll fly into a mountain." "That would be a good example of a mishap." "Rose, do me a favour - fasten your seat belt." "Over your mouth!" "Rose, why don't we use our time constructively and work on your eulogy?" " Now, what are you planning to say?" " I don't know." "I'll probably start out talking about Aunt Gretchen, the person." "She was always a very rigid person." "Especially now." "I'm sorry, Rose." "I guess that maybe that champagne did relax me." "Oh, my God." " Oh, my God, girls!" "Look!" " What, Blanche?" "Look, look, look!" "All the men on this plane, they're all bald!" "It's all right, Blanche." "The captain just turned off the "no bald men" sign." "I am talking about my recurring dream!" "Remember?" "I'm trapped in an enclosed space full of bald men." "I didn't tell you the rest of it." "All those bald men and I are on a plane, and we fly into the ocean!" "Oh, come on." "Now, Blanche, you're behaving just as crazy as we are." "It's just a coincidence." "Ladies and gentlemen, be sure your seat belts are securely fastened in preparation for the takeoff." "And if anyone found a big bolt, please return it to me." "It came off the beverage cart." "Yes, that's it." "The beverage cart." "Dorothy, it is not a coincidence." "It's my nightmare, and it's coming true." "Don't be silly, Blanche." "Not all of it's coming true." " You haven't heard the voice of God." " That's right." "Ladies and gentlemen, this is Captain Lord speaking." "I hope you enjoy your flight." " Dorothy?" " We made a rule." "No talking - it shakes the plane." "I just have to say one thing." "If Blanche is right and we are gonna die this afternoon, I'm glad we're together." "Yes, that's very comforting." "Now, shut up." "I know what you mean, Rose." "We have had some very special times together." "Like the time there was that hurricane and the power went out for two days, and we huddled together to keep warm and sang campfire songs and told stories." "And Rose admitted that Charlie was the only man she ever slept with." "You admitted Stan was the only man you ever slept with." "And I admitted my shoe size was really five and a half." "I wish we had more time together." "Wait a minute." "What are we doing?" "The flight has been perfectly smooth." "There hasn't been a hint of turbulence." "This is Captain Lord again." "Looks like we're running right into the eyeteeth of a big tropical storm." "I'm a dead woman." "Unfortunately, that means we have to turn around and return to Miami." "I'm sorry for the inconvenience." " Did you hear that?" "We're safe." " What do you mean?" "I mean that part wasn't in my dream." "That means the dream's broken." "We're going back to Miami." "We're all right!" "Not me!" "You two faced your fears." "Dorothy got on a plane, you faced your dream." " I didn't give my speech." " Give it now." "Yeah." "Yes." "Go on." "Now, you wrote it, you give it." "Go on, you can do it." "Everyone?" "I was supposed to speak at a funeral this afternoon, and now I can't, but I'd still like to give my speech if no one minds." "I wrote some things down, but I'd just rather talk." "The funeral was for my Aunt Gretchen." "I didn't know her very well." "The only thing I remembered about her is she used to scare me." "Jumping out of my closet at night, putting false fangs in her mouth." "Sometimes baying at the moon." "Now her dying scares me." "But there's a good part to being scared - you get to know who your friends are." "They're the ones who help you not be scared." "Maybe that's what Aunt Gretchen was trying to do all along - help me not be scared." "I think so." "Goodbye, Aunt Gretchen." "Take a seat, lady!" "This isn't the Copacabana." " Rose, that was beautiful." " It was, it truly was." "Ladies and gentlemen, this is Captain Lord again." "If you all look out the left side of our aircraft... it'll tip over." "Sorry." "Just a little small-airplane-pilot humour." "Hi, Ma." "What the hell are you doing home?" " Ma, let's not get all mushy." " You chickened out, didn't you?" "No, we went." "Or at least we started to." "Halfway there we ran into a tropical storm, so we had to turn around and come back." "And the plane was entirely full of bald men." "They were all former Mr Cleans on their way to a reunion in the Bahamas." " So, tell us about the cooking contest." " The competition was fierce." "It came down to my mussels marinara and Louise Pallido's chicken cacciatore." "Louise Pallido." "Isn't she the one who brags about being Al Capone's piano teacher?" "True - 103 years old." "Anyway, the judges voted." "It was a flatfooted tie." " That's when it went into sudden death." " And?" "I just told you - it was sudden death." "Louise couldn't take it." "She keeled over." "Kaput!" " The funeral is on Saturday." " Sophia, that's terrible!" "You think that's bad?" "Guess who I volunteered to give the eulogy."