"will, it's nice of you to help Mom and Dad with their bags." "Oh, yeah, man, you know, I mean, they treat me so good here..." "I'II do whatever I can to repay their kindness." "Can't wait for them to leave either, huh?" "Does Barry White want seconds?" "well, as acting head of the household this weekend..." "I think you'II find me tough, yet fair." "Firm... yet kind." "Hey, besides, man, hilary's the oldest." "She's in charge." "But not equipped to lead." "She's a figurehead." "Like Queen elizabeth." "Dan QuayIe." "colonel Sanders." "Now, I've typed up a few ground rules." "I think you should check this out." "Whoa, whoa, carlton, come on, man, you gotta loosen up a little bit, man." "You're too tight." "Wonder you don't sneeze and pop your drawers." "will, please, I'm hardly a stranger to life on the edge." "I can't count the number of times I've gone swimming right after eating." "I've been through the whole neighborhood and I haven't sold one box of cookies." "Even SheIIey Winters turned me down." "Look, what you need is a different sales strategy." "Look, here's one that always worked for me:" ""Mister, I was going to sell you some cookies..." ""but I tripped on your driveway and I think I broke my ankle." ""could you please call my daddy?" "He's a lawyer." "He'II know what to do."" "Okay, hilary, I'm leaving you $100 for groceries... and here's the number where we'II be staying for the legal convention." "I can't say I'm looking forward to it." "I can't say it, because it wouId be a big fat lie." "Goodbye everyone." "I'm off for the weekend." "Bye, Geoffrey." "I hope you enjoy your butIers' convention." "Goodbye, Miss ashley." "Yo, G, G. I always wondered what y'aII be doing at them joints." "What is it, Iike reminiscing about Mr. French?" "actually, we'II be reminiscing about Benson." "It's the black ButIers' Convention." "This year's theme is..." ""Get It Your Own Damn self."" "See you all Monday morning." "Ready for the convention, sweetheart?" "Oh, no matter how you prepare... you can never really be ready for something like this." "Great." "Now, kids, you're all mature young adults... and your mother and I trust you completely." "But by the same token, if any of you are planning on using this weekend... as an excuse to engage in reckless activities... you'II have to think again." "Misbehavior of any kind will result in immediate grounding... and suspension of allowance." "Do I make myself clear?" "This is a racial thing, right?" "philip, what a wonderful surprise." "Now I don't know how you pulled this off without me knowing it... but I'm glad you did." "well, I thought this might be a little bit better than a boring legal convention." "I hope you folks enjoy yourselves here at the Doomie Inn." "I'm Bob Doomie." "well, you know, I got the same room we had on our tenth anniversary." "The "glory That Was Rome" suite?" "And if you recall, the chariot bed didn't need horses to move it across the room." "welcome to the Casbah." "What happened to Rome?" "well, actually, the Roman suite next door is already taken." "well, there's $50 says it isn't." "Thank you, sir, but his $200 says that it is." "Oh, philip, this is lovely." "I'm sure it'II be just as romantic." "But I really had my heart set on wearing that toga." "I'II do my Dance of the Seven veils." "And I didn't bring any." "Okay, kids, go to the movies." "Okay, the planet closest to the sun?" "That would be Mercury." "Yo, man, you got it!" "You know, you're pretty smart... for a guy that's only been through the tenth grade once." "well, you know what that means:" "You gotta take off your blouse." "Wait a minute." "I've played this game before." "I've never had to take off my clothes." "No, no, baby, these Canadian rules." "will, we need a ride to the grocery store." "We're supposed to sell cookies today." "ashley, love, pumpkin, blossom, apple... why don't you go ask carlton or hilary?" "And don't come back through here until you're 17 or accompanied by an adult." "Now, where were we?" "AII right, either of you ladies speak Latin?" "Too bad." "Ty, get the blinds." "Yes, well, my parents are out of town, so I can do anything I want." "Now get your tail over here, pronto." "I want it fast and I want it hot." "And if it has any pepperoni on it, I'm sending that puppy back!" "carlton, we're supposed to sell cookies today..." "and Mom said one of you had to take us." "You're troopers." "Take a hike." "hilary, we need a ride to the grocery store." "Have a SIim-Fast." "I need the grocery money to buy jewelry." "But no one else will do it." "Excuse me, ladies, but when my parents are away..." "I'm like a mother to these children... and how you treat them could affect them for the rest of their lives." "Come along, little troopers." "carlton, haul the brats." "I'm expecting company." "Yeah, I'II put it in the oven for you." "You're closest to the door." "well, you're closest to the floor." "And I am close to snagging a garnet necklace at half price." "Now one of you get out there and fire up that Benz." "Thank you." "Okay, thelma and Louise, park it over here." "I told you the "R" didn't mean "real fast."" "Okay, I'm in charge, I'II handle this." "Young lady, what do you think, that I'm made out of money?" "hilary, what does that have to do with anything?" "I don't know, that's what Dad always says to me." "I must say, color me disappointed." "This is our home." "I Iive here, damn it!" "Now, just because Mom and Dad are away... doesn't mean we should act like people without trust funds!" "And besides, if anything goes wrong, it's will's butt." "It's not so much my butt, man, it's uncle phil's foot coming towards it." "That's why I told the film crew to be really careful tomorrow." "They're shooting a video here." "Excuse me, girls, could you put your hands over your ears, please?" "carlton, what the hell are you talking about?" "I'm talking about the financial opportunity of a lifetime." "It's an investment strategy that's leveraged with zero risk." "carlton, what the hell are you talking about?" "We get $5,000 for doing jack." "$5,000?" "Yo, man, I couId purchase a new butt." "Where's the money?" "They're bringing it tomorrow... and they promise we won't even know they're here." "Where's the family room?" "Man, I'm gonna kill carlton!" "kill him?" "I wanna know the name of his decorator." "Hey, carlton, man, you got a Iot of explaining to do... and I hope it begins with the words, "They got a gun."" "calm down, will." "AII the furniture's in the back yard, safely out of harm's way... and by the time Mom and Dad get back on Monday... it'II all be back in place... and our gross revenue will be 100% profit... without losing our assets." "Look, man, I still don't know what you talking about... but look, if I get killed, homey, your toe is gonna be tagged, too." "I told you." "It'II all be put back on Monday." "Monday?" "Monday." "Monday!" "And action!" "Yo!" "Hey, dude, what's up, man?" "Yo, what's up?" "Can you excuse me, please?" "We're trying to do a video here, if you don't mind." "Okay?" "Hi, Ron." "Hi, Ricky." "Hi, michael." "How you guys doing?" "What's up HiIary-shy?" "I Iike that jacket." "I don't know, I think I Iike the yellow one better." "Listen guys, I know I said we should do lunch, but today is just awful for me." "Yeah, you got that shoe sale, right?" "One of these days I've just got to take a vacation." "Goodbye!" "See you." "places, everybody!" "Sorry, guys." "It's looking great." "really, you guys are doing great." "And action!" "Oh, my God, is that them?" "I'm sorry." "Hey, hey, I'm sorry about that, guys." "Listen, you know how kids get immature trying to get in front of the camera." "I'm sorry, man." "Okay!" "Sorry guys." "really, I am." "You were great." "Monday, right?" "Monday." "And action!" "Hey, man, no." "Look, I'm sorry." "What do you two think you're doing?" "I was trying to get up to my room." "Hey, Ty, what was you doing?" "I was trying to be in the video." "Look, man, this is my house." "You wanna be in a video, you go rob a liquor store." "There'II be no more interruptions." "You've got my word." "Action!" "Party Machine, this is will." "Party Machine?" "Oh, I'm sorry, Aunt Viv." "Did I say "party machine"?" "I meant Banks residence." "Master william speaking." "Who's playing that loud music?" "Loud music?" "Give me the phone, Vivian." "will, what's going on?" "uncle phil, that's the TV." "carlton's watching an educational documentary on loud music." "What's that music I hear?" "That's the television." "Your aunt's watching I Dream of Jeannie." "Look, we're gonna be home tonight." "Wait, baby, hold up." "I thought y'aII said you was coming back Monday." "well, we were, but there's some big shot in the suite next door... and he's been tying up the hotel staff all weekend." "The service has been terrible." "So just tell everyone we'II be back tonight." "Great." "Great, I'II see you tonight." "Okay, that's a wrap." "Everybody out." "Y'aII ain't got to go home, but you gotta get the hell out of here." "will, come on, these people paid to use our house." "Let's be a little courteous." "Aunt Viv and uncle phil aren't coming home Monday... they're coming home tonight." "Not Monday?" "Not Monday." "Okay, that's a wrap." "Everybody out." "You ain't got to go home but you got to get the hell out of here." "Look, fellas, fellas, relax." "We got one more shot, then we're gonna bring everything in from outside." "AII right, that's cool." "Is that rain?" "Okay, I can't breathe." ""They'II only be here one day."" ""They'II only be here one day"!" "The Titanic sank in one day!" "The Hindenburg blew up in one day!" "The entire city of Pompeii was covered in molten lava in one day!" "Okay, I can't breathe." "relax!" "Babe, trust me." "Everything will be fine when the cleaning crew gets here on Monday." "Look, man, how many times I got to tell you?" "My uncle's coming back tonight!" "Bubele." "talk to your cousin hilary, she's the one who signed the contract." "Now, if you'II excuse me, I have a phone call I gotta make." "well, I'm glad I don't live here." "Boy, I'm glad I don't live here." "So am I, man." "I'm gonna have to move into your crib... when my uncle phil bowls my butt down the driveway." "Oh, man, come on, chiII out, now." "I mean, this is easy." "AII you need is a little paint, a little elbow grease... everybody pulling together, I'm telling you the place is gonna look dope." "You're right, you're right." "Thanks a Iot, man." "Come on, Iet's get busy!" "Oh, you know, I plan to, but not here." "See, the fly honeys invited me to the wrap party." "Later, man." "hilary, look." "We got big, big problems." "My God, Geoffrey needs to clean up around here." "I wonder which one of you Dad will kill first?" "It's 4:00 now, they'II be back at 9:00." "We'II never get this place together by then." "AII right, look, look, look." "Let's not panic." "Come on." "Here's the plan." "hilary, you take $2,000 and you go get a new couch." "carlton, you shut up and take care of the floors." "I think I can salvage the rug, and ashley, I want you to take care of painting." "I'm not painting." "I didn't have anything to do with this." "I seem to recall a certain little sunshine trooper trying to get her car theft badge." "Latex or enamel?" "philip, this weekend has been so wonderful!" "Even if we had gone to the convention... spending time alone with you would have been worth it." "We can stay an extra day." "Oh, no need to." "I'm taking home the red veil." "well, I'm taking home the belly jewel." "Why?" "Because I can't get it out." "Yes, this is Mr. Banks in the Bedouin suite." "could you send the bellboy up to help with our bags, please?" "What do you mean, he's next door?" "Oh, fine, never mind, we'II do it ourselves." "This is ridiculous." "That big shot has kept the entire hotel staff busy all weekend." "Caesar!" "It's time to invade AIexandria !" "Coming, alexandria !" "No!" "Yo, bench, you got the floor buffer!" "Come on, man, turn that joint on!" "Not so fast." "A wise man always reads the instruction manual first." "Page 1 : "welcome to the wonderful world of buffing." ""First, take a moment to familiarize yourself with your Buffomatic."" "Hey, can I see that for a second?" "Sure." "Come on, Einstein, I'II plug it in." ""Make sure buffer is off before plugging in."" ""Do not use near water."" "This is your final boarding call for Flight 32 to Los Angeles at Gate 7." "Okay, over there." "So, how do you Iike the couch?" "Yeah, it's great." "But when does the rest of it get here?" "Now, if we rearrange the room, nobody's going to even notice." "hilary, I think uncle phil will notice... when he stands up and it's stuck to his butt!" "hilary, you have to take it back and get the exact same couch." "Okay, but it's going to be another $2,500 including delivery." "Wait, what are you talking about?" "That couch only cost $2,000 in the first place." "tell them." "I will." "Yo, I think I need to have a couple words with y'aII." "Don't let nobody tell you that big people can't wear plaid." "What'd you have, a Patti labelle nightmare?" "will, you would not look good either... if you had your head stuck out of a sunroof, going 90 miles an hour... holding on to a rug." "relax, sweetheart." "Burt reynolds does it every morning on his way to work." "We would have been here sooner, only we were stuck behind some idiot... with a flying carpet." "I'm the idiot." "Hey, very good, carlton." "That's the first step: admitting it." "AII right, we pulled it off, man." "How much money we got left?" "well, according to my calculations, we're in the hole by $80... which means you each owe me $20." "will you take cash?" "Sure." "We're home!" "Here they come." "Go, go!" "How was the convention?" "Did you bring me anything back?" "Yeah." "A mother with a big smile on her face." "Hey!" "Aunt Viv!" "Hey, uncle phil, I didn't hear y'aII come in." "well, y'aII ready to read the bible?" "Again?" "well, I am pleasantly surprised." "I came home expecting a catastrophe." "I'm happy to see I was wrong." "well, I'm going upstairs to unpack." "philip, are you coming?" "I'II be up in a minute." "Good night, kids." "Good night, Daddy." "Good night, uncle phil." "Good night, Dad." "I'II get our bags packed." "ashley, you drive." "philip, this weekend has been" "Oh, my Lord." "That's my wife!" "Come, baby." "Caesar!" "It's time to invade AIexandria !" "Coming, alexandria !" "english"