"Looks like our missing blackmail nudie snap of Desmond Lynam." "That Malibu and paracetamol all-nighter that you missed for your aunt's poodle's circumcision bash, remember ?" " No." " Oh." "God, look !" "Cor !" "No wonder they call him the anchorman !" "Eddie, give me a hand to lift the fridge." "I want to glimpse Des's..." "Oh, fuck, I knew I'd get that wrong !" "What'll we do ?" "What we always do, play Scrabble till the rain stops, then dash to the bookies." "Yeah !" "I can't wait." "Do you think the landlady will be like the... fuckety-blah-di-bum !" "You didn't fuck her up the bum, did you ?" "'Course not." " You've got spunk in your hair." " Shut up !" "Thank God I remembered !" "Sorry, Constable !" "Charming !" "No wonder they make "The Bill" to take the piss out of you !" "Eddie, how're you doing ?" " That's the wrong feed." " Bollocks !" "Thank God I remembered !" "Off you go." "Sorry, Constable." "Charming !" "No wonder people make bll-lluh fuck !" "My impression of Paul Nicholas." "'Ello, Pen." "Have another Hobnob." "You are evil !" "Don't start on me !" "It's so good to get your feet up, isn't it ?" "No, I'm not that pervy." " Are you not ?" " No." "I've forgotten my next line." "Bugger !" "Look at that policeman !" " Which one ?" " The one leaping, waving his arms." " The one that's on fire ?" " Yeah." "He's got no one to blame but himself." "He started it all by appealing for calm." "Provocative bastard !" "I've forgotten my fucking lines now !" "Good start" "We'll wait for Curry's window to blow, then we'll go shopping." "There's a 28-inch TV with Fastext, NICAM and other bollocks no one understands that I've had my eye on." "Bit overdone." "Right, shopping list !" "I'll grab my ball point !" "Ooh-err !" "No time for crap double-entendres." "They've thrown a policeman through the window." "Banzai, baby !" "Balaclavas on." "Let's go shopping !" "Can't find my fucking balaclava !" "Right, shopping list !" "I'll grab my ball point." "Ooh-err !" "No time." "They've thrown a nun through Curry's window." "That's it." "Balaclavas on..." "Fuck, sorry !" "I'll grab my ball point." "Ooh-err !" "No time for crap double-entendres." "They've thrown Aswad through Curry's window !" "Banzai, baby !" "Balaclavas on." "Let's go shopping." "Definitely the last ride of the evening, Eddie." "Plenty of fun for one evening." "I said evening twice !" "I've fucked up already !" "It's going to be a long night." "Is that it ?" "I paid three quid for that ride !" "It's a rip-off !" "Two juveniles like us shouldn't have to pay full whack anyway !" "Calm..." "Start again ?" "I'll use another match." "That one's crap." "Bitch !" " Like that ?" " Yeah, that's fine." " Recording." " Better with sound effects." "There go the underpants !" "Couldn't get to the fucking door !" "How are you alive ?" "I may well not be." "Anyway, this will work." "Stuff that in, we light it, we bung it at a helicopter..." "If I get my fucking hand out of my pocket !" "I've told you, you'll go blind !" " What sort of hotel is this ?" "!" " A full one." "Good answer." "That's where the lines come in." "They clap if you fuck up." "His balls have got to be there." "I drew both of them in." "They've got to be there, under his shorts !" "Not in the goal mouth !" "Unless it's a ladies' match." "No, it's a perm." "That's another 25 quids'-worth of..." "Can I drink your juice ?" "Oh, I see !" "Go ahead." "I'm going mad this morning." "There's been another fuck-up." "Wasn't me." "It wasn't me." "It was something else." "A bloke runs into a bank and says to the girl, "Stick 'em up."" "She sticks his bollocks to the ceiling !" "It's true." "I was the bloke." " I was one of the bollocks." " Always have been." " It's not a girl, it's Eddie." " God, I hope I don't get drunk !" " Here we are." " I can see that." "Oi, mind my bollocks !" "There's Freudian !" " You're just overweight." " Don't you dare call me overweight !" "Oh, blimey !" "Splice my sausages !" " Cor, lummy !" " Christmas pudding !" "Blood and stomach pills !" "Eddie, we know how to swear, us two !" "You fucking hit the clit on the nail, you cunting bastard !" " This is it, then." " I suppose so." "Any regrets ?" " Yes..." "Can we start again ?" " Yes, we can." "From the top of the show ?" " Got any alcohol ?" " Good idea." "Drink ourselves to death !" "Give it to me !" " What's in this ?" " Brandy..." " Good." "...Meths, Pernod, brake fluid..." "Fuck, I've forgotten my lovely witty list !" "Oh, bastard, oh, cunt." "Please, Edwin." "What does a man with a two-foot cock have for breakfast ?" "This morning, I had a boiled egg." "Eddie, you know this is my last pair of tights." "As long as we head into the wind, we'll be all right." "If any of this gets out..." "Not that !" "I've got to go home !" "Home ?" "We've only made..." "Oh, forgotten what I'm blah-blah." "Cunt, bollocks, bastard !" "Was that it ?" "I'll come back as Danii Minogue and get a job as a go-go dancer in a bar full of mirrors !" "I'll come back as a giraffe !" " A giraffe ?" " I'd have my head above the trees !" "I'd look out for supermodels taking topless helicopter lessons !" "It's gone." "You French will stop at nothing !" "Nothing personal, André, but you are disgusting !" "Snails, frogs, donkeys' droppings !" "No wonder we had to bail you out in two world wars." "Too busy vomiting to spot Germans..." "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned." "There's more to that." "Shut up." "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned !" "I think I'll twiddle his wing mirrors, too." "I'm going to bloody well do it !" "Where's his car ?" " He's getting married today." " Is he ?" "Yes."