"I just think there's people that..." "If your life, you know, if it's good enough, you should just shut up." "There's just some people that complain when they don't... they shouldn't." "I have two kids and I think about them sometimes and that..." "like, I got two little white girls in my house." "That's a reality." "These are two little white girls." "On paper, they're doing awesome, just by who they are and where they are, so when they complain, it kinda drives me crazy, because I know what the world is like around them." "They have no idea." "I gave my daughter medicine the other day." "She had a fever, so I gave her Tylenol and it's bubble-gum flavored, so that she'll take it." "What kind of an upside-down society is this?" "Oh, how are we gonna get these children to take these miracle drugs?" "We better add candy to it." "I gave her the bubble-gum medicine, she goes, "Ew!"" "I'm like, ( bleep ) you, ew!" "Are you shitting me?" "That's medicine!" "Most kids in the world don't have medicine, they just don't have it." "When they get sick, they just... they die on a rock with a bear eating their face, that's how most of the world handles that." "No, he's got a sniffle, ring the bear bell and put him outside." "You're a white kid eating bubble-gum medicine." "You're wearing clothes made by children your age, professionally." "Sorry." "Americans only buy things that come from suffering." "They just enjoy it more when they know someone's getting hurt." "Try in here." "Hi." "Trick or treat!" "Hi, trick or treat!" "Oh, my God, they're so cute!" "What are you?" "I'm a fairy." "Oh, nice, a fairy, have a candy, here." "Thank you." "And what are you?" "Frederick Douglass." "She read a book about Frederick Douglass." "Okay." "Thanks, girls." "Bye!" "Bye, thank you!" "Thank you, bye-bye." "What are you doing?" "I'm just taking one, come one." "Daddy, my beard itches." "Here you go." "All right, go on in there." "Trick or treat!" "Trick or treat!" "Ugh..." "Guys, we gotta..." "This is it." "We're late and it's time to go home." "Let's go home now, okay?" "Aw, come on, Daddy." "Can we please stay out a little longer?" "I can't have you out here in the dark." "But Mommy always lets us trick-or-treat after dark when it's her turn to have us on Halloween." "Jane, I know that's not true." "No, it isn't." "Daddy!" "What?" "Can we please stay out a little longer?" "All right, let's hit a few more stores." "Yay!" "Yay!" "Yes!" "All right, come on." "Crazy." "Daddy, these people are scary." "Baby, they're just costumes, let's just get home." "We'll be okay." "Thanks a lot, you asshole!" "Girls, girls, it's okay, it's okay, it's okay." "It's okay." "Listen, girls, let's just get home." "None of this is real, you understand?" "None of it's real." "Let's get home and brush all that sugar out of your teeth." "Come on, come on." "Let's go." "You know, someday you girls are probably gonna dress in scary costumes." "You know, when you're teenagers." "It's... it's like scary movies." "People like to scare each other." "Yeah, exactly." "It's just fun." "It's just fun, baby, that's right." "Halloween." "Right." "Daddy?" "It's okay, don't worry about it." "Hi." "Daddy, why are we walking faster?" "Hi!" "Just, let's go." "It's all right." "It's okay." "What's wrong, Daddy?" "It's just pre..." "Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on." "Come on, come on, come on, come on." "I think we lost 'em." "It's okay, come on." "We'll go to bed, we'll be fine." "Jesus." "We came around the corner and scared you." "We scared you." "Daddy, this isn't pretend." "This is scary." "Oh, no, no, no, it is pretend." "These guys are pretending." "We are?" "Yeah, you... you..." "They're pretending and they're gonna let us go, right?" "They're just gonna let us go." "We're gonna let you go?" "Let you go?" "Well, what if we don't wanna?" "Yeah, what if we don't..." "what if we don't wanna?" "What are you gonna do, Daddy?" "Oh, girls, your daddy is brave." "He is brave." "He doesn't want to show it, but he's scared inside." "He's... he's frozen, like..." "he's frozen like a lollipop." "Come on, man, you don't wanna..." "He's frozen." "You don't wanna hurt these kids." "You guys are better than that, right?" "I mean, you..." "Oh, no, no..." "These are two little girls, you know?" "I don't..." "I don't want to hurt any kids, you're right, I don't, but... but Giant here, he's..." "He's scary." "I think I'm about to do something bad." "I think I'm about to do something real bad to these people." "Hey, stop it!" "Being scary is not nice!" "Halloween's for fun!" "You're supposed to have a nice time, dress up and get candy!" "It's not nice to scare people." "And you shouldn't scare my daddy, either!" "Stop it right now!" "Girls, go over there." "Daddy, don't!" "Daddy, don't!" "You okay?" "What do we do now?" "We're gonna wait for the police to come, we're gonna tell them what happened and we're gonna pay for the window." "Whoa, Daddy, how did you know to do that?" "You were very brave." "I'm happy you're good, too." "Hey, hey, everybody?" "Everyone?" "Hi." "Hey there." "I want to thank all of you for being here for the round-table rewrite of "Out of Here."" "I'm Eddie Faye and I wrote the script." "This is Jordan, who's directing." "We start principal photog in about two weeks and we're basically here to try to inject some funny back into the script, which was sapped out by all the notes and story fixes." "You're all here because you're funny and you were all willing to work for the favored nation's 5,000 each plus croissants and jelly." "Okay, page one." ""Interior: bedroom; morning." ""Angle on alarm clock, it reads 6:59 a.m." ""It changes to 7:00 and the alarm goes off." ""It's a loud, annoying buzz." ""A hand appears from offscreen" ""and fumbles to slap down on the snooze bar," ""we follow up the arm and land on its owner, Mike Bradsky," ""a cop in his 30s." ""Mike:'Ugh, not another one of these.'" ""As Mike rolls over on his side to go back to sleep," ""his dog comes over and starts licking his face." "Mike:'Come on, boy, give me a break.'"" "All right, anybody got anything for page one?" "I had instead of "not another one of these,"" "something like, "39 years of shitty days, 22 years to go."" "That's pretty good." "What if he says, like, what are..." "You know, when his dog's licking his face, what if he says something like, "Come on, you mutt"?" "Or he's like, "What do I look like, a Gaines-Burger?"" "All right, um..." "Do we really need another movie with the alarm clock close-up and the dog's licking the guy..." "I mean, come on, everybody." "This is like every bad cop movie I've ever seen." "It's just lazy." "Thank you." "Thank you for the teardown, Evan." "But folks are here so they can add ideas, so you got a better way to start?" "Not really." "Just saying it's lame." "Okay." "Page two." "What if the dog stops the alarm?" "That's not bad." "How does he wake up?" "I don't know, maybe he doesn't." "I mean, like, if you see the dog's paw hits the alarm clock and then... then you see his face and he's sleeping." "And then you go back to the clock and then time goes by and it's now like 11:00, and then the guy wakes up and smiling, 'cause he has no idea how late it is." "That's funny." "He's like, why do I feel so good?" "Then he realizes what time it is, he screams, he jumps out of bed, except he forgets he sleeps in a loft bed and he falls down the stairs." "Yeah, yeah, now, maybe this is too much, but at the bottom of the stairs, maybe he's knocked out cold, right?" "And he lays there sleeping even longer." "Maybe that's where the dog licks his face." "And now he wakes up again and he's even later." "We could do, like, an action montage of him rushing to the station, he puts on siren, you know, big chase, chase, chase, chase, chase." "People run out of way because he's late for work, maybe." "What if, like, he's in his car, right?" "And he drives into a truck or whatever, and he's like," ""I'm getting too old for this shit."" "You've got to be kidding me." "Not like... not we're, like, we're actually saying that line, it's like a joke on the fact that we're using... it's like we're making fun of the fact of how lame it is." "You could keep bringing this dog back and the dog could keep screwing up this guy's life and he's not even aware of it." "That's funny." "But it changes our whole opening." "I mean, that's a lot to produce." "Go ahead and write it, Eddie." "We'll find the money." "Okay." "So... what happens after he wakes up?" "So do you have, like, a method for coming up with a good joke?" "I don't know what to tell you, kid," "I let the jokes come to me." "Hey, man, nice job." "Hey, thank you." "Thanks." "Good work." "Thank you." "Funny stuff, guy." "Thanks, thanks." "Hi, I'm Ellie." "Hi, I'm Louie." "You're a comedian." "Yeah." "Can I buy you lunch?" "You know what?" "I gotta pick up my kids at school, so it's not the best time, but..." "Well, get a sitter." "This is your future, honey." "Hey, Ellie." "What's up?" "Did you read my script?" "No, of course not." "It's only your job!" "Let's go." "Okay." "Hi, Ms. Bormer." "Hey, Harry." "Lunch for two?" "Yeah." "So first of all, do you know who I am?" "Uh, no, not really." "I mean, your name is Ellie and you're a producer or..." "I'm a vice president at Paramount Pictures." "Oh." "Yeah." "I have a discretionary budget and I can green-light." "Do you know what that means?" "Yes, I..." "Are you interested in making movies?" "Yes." "Yes?" "Uh, yes, I..." "I am." "Okay." "Let's get started." "Okay." "Listen, I am a person... who knows when someone can do things." "I know talent when I see it and I need you to know that when I find someone," "I don't mess around." "Louie..." "are you ready?" "Because after today, nothing is going to ever be the same again." "I bet you've got 50 movie ideas sitting in that brain." "Yeah, I have ideas." "Let's make all of them." "Okay." "Tell me the best one now." "Yeah?" "All right, well... well, you know how movies, there's always a guy and his life is, you know, okay?" "And then something happens, like a conflict and he has to resolve it, and then his life gets better?" "Well, I always wanted to make a movie where a guy's life is really bad and then something happens and it makes it worse but instead of resolving it, he just makes bad choices and then it goes from worse to really bad," "and... and things just keep happening to him and he keeps doing dumb things, so his life just gets worse and worse and, like, darker and..." "Like..." "like he has..." "lives in a little one-room apartment, he's not a very good-looking guy, he has no friends and he lives... he works in, like, a factory, where they... like a sewage-disposal plant, and then he gets fired," "so now he doesn't even have his job at the shit factory anymore and he's... and he's going broke and he takes, like, a trip and it rains, like, just stuff, just shit keeps... horrible." "But then he meets a girl and she's beautiful and he falls in love, so you think that's gonna be the thing, the happy thing, but then she turns out to be a crook and she robs him," "she takes his wallet, and now he's, like, stuck in the middle of nowhere and he's got no wallet and no credit cards." "Like what do you do?" "How do you even get home or..." "Doesn't he have a cell phone?" "Well..." "Yeah, I mean, I came up with this before cell phones were really..." "You know what, Louie, this is amazing." "I just..." "I just need to go say hello to some people who just walked in." "Give me a second, okay, hon?" "Okay." "Oh." "When I was... when I graduated high school, all my friends went to college and I didn't." "I was a very bad student and there was..." "No, I could have got into some college, but why keep failing?" "Why just keep being in trouble all the time and doing things badly?" "So I just figured, I'll just go work and do things." "So..." "I moved in with my only friend, who I wasn't very good friends with, but he also didn't go to college, so we got an apartment in Boston, and so we're both 18 years old" "living in downtown Boston and we lived in one room, we slept in the same room, this little tiny studio apartment, and so one time, he started making jokes about jerking off." "He's like, "Do you jerk off a lot, y'know?" "Do you want me to leave the room so you can jerk off?"" "Like, he kept saying that." ""Hey, man, if you need me to leave so you can jerk off," "I'll do that," or whatever." "And I was like, "Well, hey, what about when you would jerk off?"" "And he goes, "I don't..." "I don't do that."" "And I was like, "What?"" "And he goes, "I never have done it."" "And I was like, "Are you serious?"" "I was blown away by this." "He said, "I've never done it."" "He's goes, "I kinda wish I could," ""but I just can't bring myself to do it." ""It's just too weird, like, I get weirded out." "I've never done it."" "And I was like, "Really?"" "And he said, "Yeah, I never jerked off."" "And he told me that, and I..." "That stuck in me for years because I thought, there's folks that cannot do it, because, to me, this shit is just a plague." "I'll never escape this shit." "There's moments I've done this that I really would like to take back, but I had... it's just, you know..." "Sometimes, I'm all packed, ready, I got bags..." "And I go, "Uh, I gotta sit down and jerk off before I leave the house."" "There's... it's just a constant... insulin injection that I need to get." "And I really hate it." "I'd love to never have to jerk off, and this..." "And I've always thought, I'm..." "there's something wrong with me, 'cause there is a dude who was pretty normal who just said, "I don't do it."" "Anyway, I ran into him about two years ago, and he said to me," ""Remember when I... when we talked about jerking off?"" "And I said, "Yes!"" "And... he said," ""I don't know why I was, like, ashamed to talk about it with you, but I was jerking off constantly."" "He said, "I've been jerking off since I was 11" ""and when we lived together," ""I used to go in the bathroom and jack off all the time and I was afraid to tell you."" "And I was like, if I could... if I could murder one person, it would be you." "If I could kill one guy, it would be you, you piece of shit!" "When I was about six years old, maybe," "I stayed home from school one day." "I had a single mom and she worked, so when I stayed home from school," "I just got to be alone in my house, and so one day I was alone in my house watching TV..." "I think I was about six years old, maybe seven, and I went and got my pillow from my bed and I sat on it and I farted into it, and then I decided..." "I was sick in my stomach, so I was like, I'm just gonna fart into this pillow for as... just all day." "I mean, I just kt farting into that pillow, just over and over again, like, at least more than 200 times, just for hours, and then I told myself, I'm gonna smell this now" "because I've been farting into it all day." "And I just..." "I had the pillow and I just said," "I'm just gonna go all at once and I just shoved it in my face and I went..." "And..." "I have never had an experience like that again in my life." "I really feel like I overstimulated myself at six years old because it, like, jaded me for every other thing that's ever happened." "I watched a bum eat a rat and I was like, "So..." "I smelled 200 farts when I was six.""