"'Ere, look who's here, look, Phil the Flooter!" "Oi, now don't you go winding him up!" "There could be rivers of blood!" "Yeah, there will be rivers ofblood." "Look t the way he tucked us up with that paint last week!" "Here, just shove that on the meter." "And I'll see you inside in a minute!" "Alright?" "Hello Ranji my son, how are you, alright?" "Here, I saw your missus on Tuesday, she's got a terrible spot on her forehead ain't she?" " Hello sweetheart." " Alright?" "Yeah." "He's a nice bloke you know, that Ranji!" "He took me and Rodney over to Southall last week." "They was holding this Asian song contest." " Is that right?" " Yeah, bloke called Singh won it!" "Singh!" "What d'you want, usual?" "Yeah, Campari and diet coke please!" "'Ere, how's the new guv'nor treating you?" "Oh, he's alright!" "Did you know we're having this place done up?" "Are you?" "About time it was redecorated." "Last time it was done they had to keep stopping 'cos of the Zepplin raids!" "Look who's here, look...there he is, Paddy McIntee's goat!" "Are you alright Del?" "Alright?" "What d'you mean alright?" "After that paint you sold me!" " Was there something wrong with it?" " It was supposed to be apple white!" " And what was it?" " Battleship grey!" "Well there's a thing!" "I'll tell you what." "If, on my travels, I come across someone who wants their battleship painted, I'll put 'em in touch!" "You do that!" "You do...you're a right con merchant you are aren't you, eh?" "I don't know how people like you can live with yourselves." "Really, I..." "Oi - you know that over-coat you sold my dad?" "It's got a great big hump in the back!" "Well of course, it's genuine camel-hair innit!" "I'll tell him that." "Yeah, yeah, alright, alright, I'll let you off the paint, this time!" "Here, I thought you were going back to Dublin's fair city?" "I was, till the brewery decided to have this place re-decorated." "Oh and you've got the contract have you?" "As good as!" "I've arranged it with the guv'nor that mine's the lowest estimate!" "See you Del." "Oh, by the way." "If you come across young Denzil tell him" "I tried to phone him twice last night but I haven't got his number!" "Right. 'Ere, just a minute, has he got your phone number?" " No." " I'll tell him to phone you then." "Thanks." "Oi, just a minute - just a minute." "Here, what d'you want with Denzil anyway?" "Oh, he's after having me decorate his front room." "It'll be a couple of hundred to take back to the old country." "'Ere, well listen, when you go back to the old country don't eat any of them carrots!" " Why's that?" " They've got potato-blight!" "Would you believe it..." " Are you alright there Rodney?" " Yes, yes, triffic thank you Brendan!" "Were you happy with that paint I got you last week?" " The paint?" "Yeah, ace!" " Good." "I'll see you around then." "Oh yeah." "Yeah, you take care of yourself." "I don't know how I managed to keep my hands off him." "Come on, drink up, we're going!" "What do you mean drink up?" "I haven't had a drink yet!" "Good, I don't want you falling off the ladder!" " What ladder?" " The ladder round at Denzil's place!" "Del, what the hell are you talking about?" " We're doing up Denzil's front room!" " You never told me." "I know, I couldn't." "I mean, be fair Rodney, I haven't even told Denzil yet!" "Come on." "Del, I've told you before an' I'm gonna tell you again, we should have nothing to do with it!" "I know, but Denzil's no good at papering and painting and that sort of thing." "Well that makes three of us." "Look, no, you seem to forget that Grandad used to be a decorator for the council!" "Del, that was in 1924." "He used to go to work on a horse!" "And even then he got the sack after two days for wallpapering over a serving hatch!" "Oi, that's another thing, how d'you think Denzil's wife's gonna react after what you did to her last year?" "Now Rodney, that's all in the past," "Corinne's a sensible girl, it's forgive and forget, that's her." "Anyway, give us a chance to get even with that Paddy, I'd love to take a couple of hundred off him!" "Anyway you never know, we might be able to get shot of that paint!" "Oh yeah!" "I mean everyone's having their woodwork done in battleship grey nowadays!" "But you don't know." "Corinne and Denzil may quite like it!" "Del, you'll make their front room look like the conning tower of the Ark Royal!" "Oh, shut up you tart!" "Come on Sylvester, talk to Denzil!" "Say Viv Richards is King!" "Come on, let me hear them golden tones!" "Come on." "Ah, you stupid ras bird!" "Alright, I'm coming." "You'll have sailors doing the hornpipe, jump-jets landing of the sofa!" "Will you shut up Rodney!" " Del my man!" " Denzil my son, how are you?" " Come in." " Yeah, great." "I haven't seen you for ages, where have you been?" "Well, you know me, here, there and everywhere - ducking and diving." " Rodney, you're looking good!" " Yeah!" "He's cool, I like it!" "I tell you, if he wasn't so white I'd swear he was black!" "Yeah, he is white ain't he!" "He's the whitest man I've ever seen in all my life!" "I'm not ever so white!" "You are!" "You'd make an albino look bronzed!" "Here, grab one of these each!" " Oh, here Denzil, Corinne ain't about is she?" " No, no, she's round her sister's." "Oh that' alright..." "Hey, you ain't still worried about what happened are you?" "Come on Del, she's forgotten all about that now." "Anyway, what brings you round?" "Just passing through, thought we'd call in." "'Ere have you had this place done up?" " No." " No, I didn't think you had." "We're getting it decorated soon though." "Corinnes' been at me for ages about it, but I'm no good at that sort of thing so I got the Irishman to do it." "Oh Brendan?" "Oh well, you can't go far wrong with him Denzil." "He's a good man." "Here, did you hear about that house he did up in, where was it, Kings' Avenue." "He made a beautiful job of it so I hear." "Mind you I only saw it after the fire!" "Who's a pretty boy?" "He's a lovely boy ain't he!" "Is he yours Denzil?" "No, he's Corinne's, she's had him for a few years - what fire?" "You mean the house burnt down?" "Yeah, but don't get me wrong, it wasn't Brendan's fault!" "I mean, look, I know a lot of blokes who like a couple of pints at dinner time." "And it's very easy to forget where you left your blow-lamp!" "So it was accidental then?" "Oh yeah!" "It was an accident, even the coroner said so!" " Coroner?" " Yeah." "Right, that's it," "I'm having no drunken Irishman falling about my living-room with a lighted blow-lamp!" "No way." "Oh my Gawd, oh I wish I hadn't said nothing now, oh I feel really bad about this - you know what, with Brendan being a mate an' all!" "Look, never mind Denzil." "Look on the bright side, he might not burn your place down." "Yeah, well I'm taking no chances Del, I'm getting somebody else to do the job!" "Oh well." "Well, it's up to you." "I mean, as I always used to say to my customers when I was in the painting and decorating game," "I used to say 'It's your money, it's your choice.'" "You never told me you used to be a painter and decorator?" "Oh yeah, yeah, it's been the family trade for generations ain't it Rodney?" "Yeah." "There you are, see." "But demand got too much, we had to give it up in the end." "Listen, couldn't you just do this living room for us?" "What this?" "Oh no, no, no, sorry mate, no, no, you know, we've given the game up now!" "Oh come on Del!" "Corinne's been bending my ear about it for ages." "Just this one room yeah?" "No, no." "No, no, no, no, no, I'm sorry." "If I do it for you I've got to do it for all the others!" "Haven't I?" "Del, for a mate in trouble!" "Please!" " Alright, just for you though!" " Cheers Del, you're a pal!" "I don't know." "I don't know what it is with you." "You manage to twist me right round your little finger, don't you?" "When can you start?" "First thing in the morning." "A hundred up front, we supply the paint and that's extra." " Done." " And you will be." "I'll get some more drinks." "Good, what about that Rodney, eh Rodney, nice little earner, eh?" "I don't think I'm ever so white!" "You are." "You look like a blood donor who couldn't say no!" " Hiya!" " Hi hon." "Hello baby, have you missed me?" "Denzil!" "What the hell is he doing in my home?" "Hello Corinne, you look as lovely as ever!" " Del just popped in to say hi hon." " Did he really?" "'Hello'." "There's the door!" "'There's the door.' She's a card ain't she!" "And what's he doing?" "I want you to tell me the truth Corinne." "Am I white?" "Denzil - have you and Rodney been at the funny fags?" "No, honest hon, we haven't, we've just got some drinks that's all." "I go round my sister's to see how she is after having the stitches out, and I come back to find my home full of crazy people!" "Oh come on babe, be friendly!" "Del's gonna do the decorating for us!" "He's what?" "Well, I blew the Irishman out, I mean I've heard bad things about him!" "Denzil, how can you trust this man?" "Every time you meet him you end up drunk or out of pocket?" "Yeah I know, but he's a mate!" "Would a mate sell you an overcoat like the one he sold you?" "Oh now, come on, be fair Corinne, that was a very nice overcoat, looked like it was made to measure!" "Yeah, for the Hunchback of Notre Dame!" "And what about the time he offered to do the catering or us?" "Oh don't bring that up honey please." "That was our wedding Denzil!" "What was it we were supposed to have Del?" "Lobster vol-au-vents, game pie, kidneys with saffron rice, beef and anchovy savouries!" "Philadelphia Truffles!" "And what did we end up with?" "Pie 'n' chips all round!" "Now I explained all that Corinne, didn't I?" "The fridge went on the blink and all the goodies went manky!" "And what about our three-tier wedding cake?" "Yeah, well, that was in the fridge with all the other gear!" "I mean the icing melted, it dripped everywhere!" "Yeah, yeah, that's true Corinne, by the end of the week it looked like a big candle!" "I thought you said she'd forgotten about all this!" "How can I forget it?" "I have to live with that wedding album the rest of my life." "How many times have you seen a picture of a bride and groom cutting a jam sponge?" "Oh be fair, Corinne, be fair." "He only got that at the 11th hour, otherwise it could have been an eccles cake!" "You want 'em to do the decorating then you let 'em." "But I promise you this Denzil, if anything goes wrong" "I'll make you wish your mother had had a headache the night you was conceived!" "She's a little treasure ain't she?" "Come on Rodney, let's leave the love-birds alone!" "Talking about birds, you just make sure that Buzzby's in the kitchen tomorrow 'cos of the paint fumes." "Leave the key under the mat!" "Cheer up Denzil, you know it makes sense!" "Come on, let's get out of here." "That'll keep us out of trouble for a couple of days!" "Look, I know I'm white, but I'm no whiter than anyone else!" " You are, you're whiter than Denzil." " Kunta Kinte's whiter than Denzil!" "Here, we might be able to earn a couple of bob out of this." " How?" " We could hire you out for hauntings." "I'm starting to get more wild Del." "Now listen, you'd do very well in one of them Mickey Mouse seances!" "You know where you have to appear through a thin veil of gauze." "You could say, 'I am Rodney, the anaemic ghost.'" "What, oi, that's my hat." "You saucy little git." "Oh no, it's gone under a bus now!" "I'll put you under that ruddy bus..." "They ain't got a serving hatch have they?" "No, no, it's alright, don't worry!" "Alright, come on Rodney." "Now get them dust sheets - all over this furniture, will you." "Hey, look Corinne's left a note!" "'Leave the telly alone, don't eat the fruit and stay out of the kitchen.'" "Leave the telly alone and don't eat the fruit!" "What sort of people does she think we are?" "Yeah, she's got us tagged all wrong ain't she!" "'Ere, look at the time, it's half past nine, come on Rodney, put the kettle on, we'll have a cup of tea." "Del, she said stay out of the kitchen!" "Now I reckon you're taking liberties!" "Well, everyone's entitled to a cup of tea Rodney," "I mean, it's in the Magna Carta or something!" "That's right taking liberties, I ask yer..." "'Ere, while you're out there have a look in the cupboard an' see if there are any Jaffa cakes going." "Go on, go on, don't worry Grandad  we'll soon have this job finished!" " Yeah, soon as Rodney pulls his finger out!" " Yeah." "If this gets a bit much for you Del have a nice sit down, eh?" "Yes, alright, alright, Rodney, thank..." "Go on, get going, get going, we'll never have finished at this..." "Hello Ginger?" "Del Boy!" "How are you going my son?" "Oh no, we're all fine, no we're absolutely fine 'ere." "Well, Rodney's looking a bit pale." "Apart from that we're alright." "How's the family?" "Oh triffic!" " Ginger?" "Who's he talking to, Ginger Ted?" " Yeah it sounds like it." "Has he come back from Canada then?" " What's the weather like out there?" " No." "The time." "It's just gone 'alf past ten!" "What, is it really?" "Cor, go on." "No I'll tell you what, no, you go back to sleep, yeah, I'll give you a bell tomorrow, alright." "And I'll leave it a bit later like." "Yeah, alright, see yer pal!" "Cor look at that, it's marvelous ain't it, eh?" "All the way to Vancouver and it's as clear as a bell, yeah, well, it's modern space technology innit!" "I've justbeen bounced off a satellite!" "If Corinne finds out she'll bounce you off Chelsea Bridge!" " Oi you, where's my tea?" " What tea?" "Well I asked you about an hour ago to put the kettle on to have a cup of Darjeeling, remember?" "Oh Gawd, yeah, I forgot all about it." "Bloody hell, I left the kettle on the gas!" "Oh stone me Rodney, I don't know what's the matter with him sometimes, he seems to live in a world of his own!" " Here Del." " What?" "Supposing the steam starts the wallpaper peeling." "Oh that's charming that, isn't it." "We come round here to do the living room and end up stripping the kitchen!" "Oh Del, I can hardly breathe!" "You may not ever breathe again if this wallpaper's ruined!" "Oh look, condensation is everywhere!" "Quick, get me a cloth!" "Yeah I'll open the window." "That's right, go on Grandad." "If we tidy this place up maybe she might never notice!" "She might notice the kettle!" "Gordon Bennett, I don't believe it!" "Put it back." "Say nothing." "She might blame Denzil." " Del Boy, come and have a look at this!" " No, we're busy Grandad!" "Look, I'm sorry about all this Del, it's just what with all the other work in there and then you..." "Alright, alright, alright, Rodney." "It's no good going on." "It's just one of them things." "Accidents will happen." "Yeah, cheers." "Del, Del look." "It's the bird..." "He don't look very well to me!" "That is most probably due to the fact Grandad that he is stone-dead." "You dozy little twonk Rodney." "Hold on, just now you said it was an easy mistake to make!" "Yeah, it is if you're bloody stupid." "It might not be completely dead!" "It might not be completely dead, it's just been sauteed!" "What is Corinne gonna say when she comes back and finds out what you have done to her little pet?" "Well I wouldn't mind seeing her face when she gets her next telephone bill." "Look at this big hole you've made in the kettle!" "Well, it's not as big as the hole you made in them Jaffa Cakes is it!" "Will you two pack it in!" "We've gotta think of a way out of this!" "I've got it!" "I've got it, we could say it was caused by paint fumes!" "Paint fumes?" "Paint fumes." "When Corinne comes back in here she's gonna find her kettle's been knackered, her kitchen's been turned into a Turkish bath and she's got a Kentucky Fried canary at the bottom of that cage!" "And we're gonna say paint fumes." "Yeah, you're right!" "I'll tell you what we'll do," "Rodney and I, we'll try and clear this place up!" "Grandad, I want you to go down the High Street and I want you to get a packet of Jaffa Cakes and a canary." " Where do I get a canary from?" " Why don't you try the boot mender's!" "Don't you get saucy Rodney, you ain't too big to get a slap round the head!" "Oi, oi, will you stop it you two." "We haven't got much time now, go on." "Well, how much is a canary?" "Well how the bleedin' hell do I know?" "Here, look, take the lot." "Go on and make sure you don't get mugged!" "And make sure..." "And make sure you get a canary - you know and a yellow one!" "Yeah, we don't want a budgie or a parrot!" "No, you want a canary don't you?" "Yes!" "Alright, write it down for him Rodney!" "Write it down." " It's alright Del, I'll remember!" "Yellow canary." " Go on and hurry up then!" "A yellow canary - a yellow canary..." "yellow canary." " Well I suppose it could have been worse." " Could it?" "Well if you're gonna be like that, no!" "I'll tell you what we're gonna do, right." "If we clean this place up, polish the kettle, put a new canary in the cage, maybe Corinne won't suspect anything!" "Grandad's the one that worries me!" "How d'you mean?" "Oh, it's I've got this feeling in the pit of my stomach, he's gonna come back with a goldfish!" "Louis!" "I need a canary, quick!" "Hey Grandad, it's a long time, eh?" "You sit down for a while." " No." "I ain't got time." " You want a drink?" "No, I want a canary!" "This is an emergency." "Emergency?" "I've never sold an emergency canary before!" "I'll tell you what I've got for you, I gotta lovely greenfinch." "She's beautiful!" " No, I want a canary!" " You want a bird of paradise?" " Is it a canary?" " No!" "Well I don't want it then!" "Alright, alright, stay calm, now please what do you want?" "I want a canary!" "He wants a canary, I've only got one canary!" "I'll take it." "No, no." "It's not as simple as that!" "This is my canary!" "This is Arturo, he's my own pet!" "Can't you sell him?" "No, he's been with me for years!" "He's like one of the family, he's my own flesh and blood!" "I'll give you fourty-five pounds!" "Okee Dokee, Ciao Arturo!" "Oh, hello Corinne love." "Smashing weather ain't it?" "Yeah!" "I thought you was back at the flat?" "I am." "What I mean is I just popped out to get something to eat!" " You going home straight away?" " No I've got a bit more shopping to do." "Oh good!" "Well, I'll see you back there later love." "That thing cost fifty quid?" "Yeah." "I mean, they was much cheaper in my day and age." "I thought they was much cheaper in this day and age..." "I mean for 50 sovs you could at least have got a bigger one!" "No, no, 'cos then Corinne would have known the difference." "You see to us it's just a canary, but to her it's a personal friend." "We ought to double check it you know make sure it ain't got no distinguishing features!" "You mean like freckles or a birthmark?" "Del if this one is different she'll twig it straight away!" "Grandad, go down the vet's and see if you can get his dental records." "Sit down, sit down." "Look soppy, unless the other one had got a dimple in its chin and a beer gut, no one's gonna be none the wiser!" "Now, come on, let's get back in that other room and make it look as though we've done something today!" "That's her, quick, go on get up the stairs." "Grandad, against the wall, go on." "That's it, go on, go on." "That's the way Rodney, lots of care!" "That's right, I want this to be a 100 per cent luxurious job!" "I want this place to look like a palace for Denzil and Corinne when the..." "Oh, hello Corinne, how are you sweetheart?" " I'm fine thanks." " Good." " D'you want a cup of tea?" " No!" "Alright, don't bite my head off, I only asked if you wanted a cup of tea!" "No, no, it's alright, Corinne." "No it's just that we're like Magnus Mackeson, you know we've started so we'll finish!" "Yeah, it's sort of personal pride with us Trotters." "Okay, please yourselves!" "She's gonna twig it, I know she is!" "No Rodney, just, you know, just have faith in me will yer!" "There is no way in a million years that she's gonna suspect..." "What's happened to my canary?" "On the other hand." "What's up love?" "Listen to me, listen to me, if that thing's laid an egg I'm gonna kill you!" " Look!" " Well, he seems alright to me love!" "Yes, there's nothing wrong with him!" "Yeah look at him he's hopping about all over the place like a good 'un!" "Yeah, I know that, but when I woke up this morning he was dead!" " I never did like that Corinne." " No, fancy chucking us out like that." "Yeah, I mean what did she expect?" "How many decorating firms does she know that give you a free canary with every job?" "I shouldn't imagine there's many Del!" "No." "And was she satisfied?" "I said, was she satisfied?" " No!" " No, of course she wasn't." "But why she did not just bury the thing this morning?" "She was too upset weren't she?" "That's why she was waiting for Denzil to come home!" "She could of at least told us it was laying in state in the kitchen?" "She wasn't there was she!" "That's why she left the note!" "'Please do not go in the kitchen.'" "Look she ain't blaming us for the demise of Buzzby." "I think what really got up her nose was when she went to make a cup of coffee and flooded the kitchen!" "She turned own my offer of a brand-new kettle!" "Didn't she?" " Didn't have a tenner on her!" " She could have paid on the weekly!" " Are you alright Del?" " Yeah, hello Brendan." "Rodney?" "D'you reckon he knows Del Boy?" "No." "Corinne's not the sort to broadcast it." "I taught I taw a puddytat a cweeping up on me!" "Mouthy cow!" "I was talking to Eye-talian Louis, he told me he sold you a flea-bitten canary for 45 pounds." " 45?" " What did I say then Del?" "What did you say!" "Don't worry Del, I've taken over the job at Denzil's flat." "But it'll cost him a bit more now you amateurs have been playing around with it!" "Do you know what Rodney, if that Brendan wasn't so big, I'd give him a right seeing to!" "Yeah, so would I." "Well you're as tall as he is, Rodney." "Well you can't hit a man of that age can you." " You alright gents?" "How are you?" " Oh, you must be the new governor?" "That's right, Mike Fisher, pleased to meet you." "Hello Mike, Del Trotter, people may have mentioned m." "Yes they certainly have!" "Well I'm a popular character round these parts." "'Ere Mike, could you just tell me is it true that the brewery are gonna have this place decorated?" "Yeah, that's right, in the very near future." "Is it also true that mouth almighty over there has got the contract?" "Well, let's say he's favourite, his estimate's by far the lowest." " How much is he doing it for?" " Oh come on, it's confidential isn't it." "No, no it's not, no come on." "Brendan and I, well I mean, we're like that!" "I don't suppose it matters who knows, he's bragging about it himself now." "He reckons he'll do it for a grand." "A grand?" "And who decides which estimate to accept?" "I do." "Michael, could I have a word in your shell-like..." "I might be able to offer you a much better deal my son!" "I could get this pub decorated to exactly the same standard as Brendan, and it would cost your brewery a mere 2,000 pounds!" "Two thousand pounds?" "That must be a tempting offer, eh, Rodney?" "Yeah, well, he's a born businessman ain't he?" "No hang about, hang about - look why should I turn down an offer of a thousand and except one of two thousand?" "Because of all the advantages it has to offer, like my specialised profit-sharing scheme!" "Let me explain how it works." "The two thousand pounds would be dispersed thus:" "there would be five hundred pounds for vous and five hundred pounds for me." " What you mean I get 500 quid?" " Oh yes!" "Yeah, and what happens to the thousand that's left over?" "We give that to the Irishman and let him do then job!" "You've got a deal Mr Trotter!" "Thank you Michael." "Can I have a word?" "Who's a pretty boy then?"