"Matthew, turn off the TV, dinner's almost ready." "Okay, dinner's ready." "Wait, submarine sandwiches again?" "This is, like, three days in a row." "What's going on?" "Hey, are you sleeping with the guy at Quizno's again?" "No, I didn't sleep with him, we just flirted." "He touched my cheek when he gave me my Sun Chips." "And he gave me a free punch on my card." "Is there anyone who hasn't punched your card?" "Quiet." "I am on a quest." "I have to find that sandwich I had last month." "I am telling you it was the best sub" "I've ever eaten in my entire life." "So you have no idea where the sandwich place was no cross street, nothing." "No, somebody else was driving." "I had low blood sugar." "And it was raining." "Or I was crying... something." "I don't know." "I think it started with an "S."" "Oh, was it Subway?" "Yeah, Matthew," "I forgot the name of Subway." "Okay, here we go." "Oh, no..." "God, this isn't it." "Oh, this is disgusting." "I can't eat this." "Really." "Mmm." "This is definitely not it." "Hey there." " Hey." " Smells like onions in here." "That guy at Quizno's still punching your card?" "No, he touched my cheek." "You don't know anything about romance." "Hey..." "Hi, sweetie." "Look at you." "You look so handsome." "Oh, just like a tiny used car salesman." "I'm wearing my church clothes." "You sure are." "What?" "Dad and New Christine took me to church." "You took him to church?" "Hey, who wants to change the subject?" "Yeah, I belong to the First Methodist Church on Helm, and today was our autumn festival." "There were games and songs." "And all these nice people that were happy to see me." "I love church." "Richard, he loves church." "Can I talk to you for a minute?" "It's kind of bad timing." "New Christine has woman problems." "Richard..." "I don't have woman problems." "Sure you do." "You got 'em bad." "We got to go." "Hold it, hold it." "Ritchie, you know what?" "Why don't you go upstairs and change into your play clothes while I talk to Daddy." " Okay." " Okay." " Bye, Dad." " Bye, buddy." "Feel better, New Christine." "Oh, I don't have..." "Thank you." "I'm going to go change into my play clothes, too." "Godspeed." "You took him to church?" "You took our son to church?" "!" "Look, he wanted to go." "We were going anyway." "It didn't seem like such a big deal." "What?" "You were going anyway?" "What, you go to church now?" "Why?" "Just because your cute, young girlfriend does?" "Hey." "And thanks." "You should've asked me." "Unbelievable." "I don't understand what's going on." "Christine has this thing about church." "It's not a thing." "Richard, you and I talked about it, and we made the decision that Ritchie was going to have his spiritual education at home and not in a church." "Watching Seventh Heaven is not a spiritual education." "It is if you burn incense." "Christine, it's not a big deal." "You went behind my back." "That's a very big deal." "Man... your poor parenting decisions never cease to amaze me." "First, you want to take him to a Rolling Stones concert, and now you're taking him to church?" "!" "There isn't a court in this land that wouldn't give me full custody of that boy right now." "What exactly is your problem with church?" "Yeah." "People who go to church only like other people who go to church." "Plus, they hate gay people." "And I hate anyone who hates." "You know what?" "She's right." "We don't have to go to church anymore?" "No, she's right about Ritchie." "This is a parenting decision." "It's something we shouldn't have done without checking with her first." "I'm sorry, Christine." "We made a mistake." "Oh, well, thank you." "I accept your apology." "I'm sorry, too." "Geez." "Thank you." "I'm sorry I snapped." "It's an emotional issue." "I have low blood sugar." "Just be thankful I didn't cry." "All right, hope you feel better." "Oh, I don't have..." "Thank you." "God bless..." "Gesund..." "Good luck to you then." "Ritchie, get up." "What are you doing?" "I'm playing Battlefront Two." "I just blew up a village." "Good, okay." "Put that away, sweetie, it's time for bed." " Hey, Mom?" " Yeah." " What are we?" " What do you mean?" "Well, my friend Riley is Catholic and he says Catholics pray to fathers and ghosts." "Yeah, they do." "And Peter is Jewish and he doesn't eat cheeseburgers." "So, what are we?" "Well, we're afraid of ghosts and we love our cheeseburgers." "Good night, sweetie pie." "No, really." "Are we something?" "Um, well, yeah, of course, we're something." "We're, um... we're Americans and we're..." "Californians." "We bleed Dodger blue." "But you know what, Ritchie?" "Religion isn't really about labels." "It's about what you believe in." "What do we believe in?" "Uh, we believe in, uh, n-nature, the earth... recycling and, uh, we believe in dolphins and, um, and diamonds." "What about God?" "Oh, yeah, and we believe in God." "Yeah, okay." "Good night, darling." "I want to go back to church." "How would you like to go to the zoo?" "I want to go back to church." "How would you like to go to Church's Fried Chicken?" "I want to go back to church." "Will you take me to church?" "We'll see." "Doesn't "we'll see" mean no?" "We'll see." " Night, sweetie." " Night." "I don't know why he won't let this go." "I know." "I dropped him off at school this morning and he kept asking me all these questions." "Like, do I believe in God?" "Is there a heaven?" "Is Mommy going to hell?" "Why would he think that I was going to hell?" "Maybe because you used that handicapped parking permit to do your Christmas shopping last year." "Hey, I had an undiagnosed sleep disorder." "And a lot of shopping to do." "Ooh, this looks promising." "Why don't you just take Ritchie to church?" "He'll probably go once and be off it." "It's just like the fajitas." "Do you remember he kept seeing those commercials and all he wanted was fajitas?" "It was fajitas, fajitas, fajitas." "And then you finally took him and he got scared of that sizzling plate and that was the end of fajitas." "I mean, church will be the exact same thing." "It's so weird the way he gets obsessed with these things, you know?" "Ugh, could they cut these onions any thicker?" "Ugh, this is wrong." "Anyway, I'm not a bad person for not wanting to take Ritchie to church, you know." " I have my reasons." " Such as?" "Well, for one thing, they're mean to gay people." "They don't pay their taxes." "Do you pay your taxes?" "Hey, I'm handicapped." "Besides, I'm plenty spiritual without church." " How?" " I meditate." " When?" " In the tub." "Well, that's not meditating, that's mas..." "Shut up." "Yeah, and that's another thing." "Who's the church to tell me that I can't meditate in the tub?" "I'm a divorced woman." "It's hard." "Not as hard as eating during this conversation." "Okay, look, here's the thing." "You probably don't remember this, but I when I was 12," "I took confirmation classes." "Wait, Mom and Dad took you to church?" "No, they dropped me off on their way to Indian Bingo." "Anyway, I was 12 years old and I was searching for meaning in my life, you know, after they canceled The Mary Tyler Moore Show." "Yeah, that was a good show." "I loved it." "Monroe." "No, that's Too Close For Comfort." "Oh, that's another good show." "I'm telling a story here, okay?" "Anyway, I was having a hard time." "I was in junior high school, I didn't have many friends, and I was searching for somewhere where I could belong." "And I thought that church was where it could be." "So I went." "And nobody talked to me, and I didn't know what was going on most of the time." "But I kept going back." "I kept waiting for a sign;" "something to tell me that I was in the right place." "Well, so what happened?" "Did you get your sign?" "Yeah, I did." "On the day of my confirmation, they forgot to call my name." "All the other kids got called up to the front, one by one, and I sat there in my little white gown with my beautiful flowers waiting to be called." "You know, and at first I thought, okay, they're going in order of height." "And then I thought, oh, you know what?" "They're probably going to give me a special award and they're saving me to the last." "But no, they never called my name." "They never called me to the front." "So, hmm, I got my sign." "I don't belong in church." "Wow." "What did you do to God?" "What?" "No." "That's not right." "It was them." "It wasn't me." "God..." "Oh, anyway, you know, I just don't want" "Ritchie's perfect little innocent soul to be squashed like that, like mine was." "Okay?" "They never called my name." "I know, honey, but you know, that was 50 years ago, and you're okay now." "I going to have to take him to church, aren't I?" "Why am I such a good mother?" "Okay, Ritchie, you know what?" "If you don't want to do this, we can turn around right now and we can go to the zoo." "It'll be fun." "But you said we could go to church." "Oh, God, I feel like I'm 12 again." "I don't know how to act or what to do or where to look." "Hey, hey, you're going to be fine." "I'm sure it's all going to come back to you." "Okay." "Come on, let's go." "All right, I'll see you inside." "Good morning, welcome." "Hello, father, or, uh, your holiness." "Sir... oh." "That's really not necessary." "You can call me Ed." "And that's..." "that's my wedding ring." "Oh, yes, right, of course, yes." "Married to God." "Or is it Jesus?" "Actually, it's Joyce." "Well, you're a lucky man." "I mean, she's no Jesus, but..." "So far, so good." "So, this is your first time in church in a while." "Yes, since my near confirmation." "What's a "near confirmation"?" "La-la-la." "Well, I, um, I went to church for a while." "I wanted to find something there." "I was looking for a sign, and then I finally got it." "What was the sign?" "La-la-la." "Uh, it doesn't matter." "Who knows?" "Maybe today you'll find a different sign." "We'll see." "That means no." "I know it's sometimes difficult to be in a strange place with new people, but I think you'll find we're a very welcoming community." "And I'll bet you'll get a kick out of our Sunday school." "Mrs. Orr is a hoot." "Oh, uh, no, no, he's going to stay with me." "I know that God sees everything and stuff but he's got enough on his plate, what with the Middle East and-and-and Project Runway," " and, uh..." " La-la." "The kids really have a much better time at Sunday school than at the service." "They've got puppets." "That sounds fun." "Really, Ritchie?" "Aren't puppets scary, with those dead eyes and the real seeming hair and everything?" "Is it in there?" "Yes, sir." "See you after, Mom." "Oh, uh..." "Matthew, you go with him, okay?" "And if anybody hurts his feelings, you get him out of there." " What if someone hurts my feelings?" " Matthew, go." "Are you ready?" "Uh, yeah, I-I don't know, I'm not sure." "How does your church feel about gay people?" "Oh, I think you'll feel very welcome here." "Oh, no, I'm not gay." "Oh, well, we have a great many gay people in our congregation." "Oh, like that guy?" "We don't ask." "Trust me." "Shall we?" "And although there were no actual mountains in that area of Galilee, it was nonetheless called the Sermon on the..." "Anyone remember?" "The Sermon on the Mmm... oww" "Mouth." "No." "Not the Sermon on the Mouth, Benji." "The Sermon on the Mount." "But that was very good." "Uh..." "And the Sermon on the Mount is talked about in the Book of..." "Maa..." "Math" "Mouth." "Not mouth." "It's never going to be mouth." " Matthew." " What?" "The Book of Matthew." "And isn't that interesting, Pippo?" "Yes, it is, Mrs. Orr." "Are you having fun, Pippo?" "A little." "Is that a real monkey?" "We've really got to get you to the zoo." "Oh, well, since someone is in the mood for talking, maybe you'd like to tell us about the Sermon on the Mount." "Uh, well, in the Sermon on the Mount," "Jesus was talking to his disciples about the Golden Rule." "You know, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."" "Yes." "Did you hear that, Pippo?" "I sure did, Mrs. Orr." "I-I-I was Jesus' understudy in Godspell." "The guy never got sick." "Learned all the lines, never got to go on." "What's Godspell?" "And now we will read from the scripture." "All rise." ""How good and pleasant it is when brothers live together in unity." "By all the earth-born race His honors be expressed;" "but saints that know His heavenly grace should learn to praise Him best."" ""Praise Him best."" "And now we will sing." "# Nearer my God to thee #" "# Nearer to thee #" "# Even though it be a cross that raiseth me... #" "# Still all... #" "Psalm 148." " "When the Lord..." " "When the Lord..." "Why-why don't you take it?" "# Day by day # # Day by day #" "# Day by day # # Day by day #" "# Oh, dear Lord, # # three things I pray #" "# Three things I pray... #" "Let us pray." "Sorry." "It was... it was my stomach." "I had a funky submarine sandwich for breakfast." "God, d-do we get communion here?" "'Cause I think some of those wafers might help settle things." "And a little wine wouldn't hurt, either, if you know what I mean." "Oh, sorry." "And that longing is something we all experience, that longing for fulfillment." "Oh, we try to sate ourselves with more-- more money, more work, more things-- but we remain unfulfilled, lonely." " It's true." " Yeah." "It's only in moments of quiet, when the demands of the day recede." "Charge!" "It's only then that we find the quiet that we need to reflect." "Let's create that quiet right now and breathe deeply." "As you breathe in and out, let those breaths bring you closer to calm, closer to serenity." "Let those breaths bring you closer to new insights and a fuller understanding of the human condition." "With each breath, you'll be inspired to dig deeper, to be more compassionate, to be more generous." "And you will look around you and realize you are not alone." "And you don't need to be afraid, because the answers to all your questions have been there all along." "Before we conclude," "I'd like everyone to say hello to a new friend." "Christine Campbell." "Everyone please make her feel welcome." "Oh, oh, thank you." "Hi." "Could this be my sign?" "Christine, would you mind joining me up here for the final hymn?" "Oh, up to the front." "I think this is my sign." "So go." "Kickoff's in ten minutes." "# Amazing Grace, # # how sweet the sound #" "# That saved a wretch like me #" "# I once was lost, # # but now I'm found #" "# Was blind but now I see... #" "# And grace my fears relieved #" "# How precious did # # that grace appear #" "# The hour I first believed. #"