"( theme music playing )" "( phone ringing )" ""BOUQUET" RESIDENCE, THE LADY OF THE HOUSE SPEAKING." "( toiler flushes )" " IS OUR ROSE STILL OUT?" " LOOKS LIKE IT." "( door shuts )" "WHY ARE YOU SMILING AT ME?" "I'VE GOT SOMETHING TO SHOW YOU." " I'VE SEEN IT." " NOT RECENTLY, YOU HAVEN'T." "DON'T START." "NO, IT'S NOTHING LIKE THAT." "I WANT TO SHOW YOU SOMETHING HYACINTH GAVE ME." "WHAT IS IT, A PHOTO ALBUM?" "IT'S FUNNY YOU SHOULD SAY THAT," "IT WAS WITH SOME PHOTO ALBUMS SHE LENT ME A FEW DAYS AGO." "BUT SHE OBVIOUSLY DIDN'T REALIZE," "IT'S HER MEMOIRS." " HER MEMOIRS?" "!" " YES, IT'S FASCINATING." "SHE'S WRITTEN ALL THESE THINGS UNDER DIFFERENT HEADINGS." "SEE, THIS IS THE FIRST SECTION" ""'AS I SEE MYSELF.'"" "LET'S JUST SEE WHAT SHE SAYS." ""AS ALL WHO HAVE KNOWN ME SOULFULLY WILL TESTIFY," "I HAVE ALWAYS AIMED FOR THE HIGHEST STANDARDS..."" "DELIA WHEELWRIGHT!" "WHO?" "DELIA WHEELWRIGHT," "THE MOCK TUDOR TWO-STORY, SEMI-DETACHED" "AT THE CORNER OF OAKDALE AVENUE." "YOU KNOW THE ONE" "THEY'VE JUST ADDED A GAMES ROOM ABOVE THEIR GARAGE." "IF THERE'S ONE THING I CAN'T STAND" "IT'S SNOBBERY AND "ONE-UPPISHNESS."" "PEOPLE WHO TRY TO PRETEND THEY'RE SUPERIOR." "MAKES IT SO MUCH HARDER FOR THOSE OF US WHO REALLY ARE." "( humming ) OHH." "MORE CHRISTMAS CARDS, HUH?" "ARE THEY GENUINE?" "OR ARE THEY MORE OF THOSE YOU'VE WRITTEN TO YOURSELF?" "I REGARD IT AS A SERVICE" "TO THOSE PEOPLE WHO MAY HAVE MISPLACED MY ADDRESS." "I'M SURE THEY'D LIKE TO THINK THEY'D SENT ME A CARD." "SHE'S A LUNATIC." "I AM MARRIED TO THE SISTER OF A LUNATIC." "IT DOESN'T MEAN I DON'T STILL LOVE YOU." "JUST READ, DAISE." ""THIS MORNING I WAS VERY AFRAID FOR THE STANDARDS OF OUR NEIGHBORHOOD," "AN AREA WITH A MUCH SOUGHT-AFTER POSTCODE," "WHEN I SAW A MAN WEARING ONLY A TOWEL" "TAKING IN THE MILK NEXT DOOR" "AT MY NEIGHBOR ELIZABETH'S." "A MAN DEFINITELY NOT RELATED TO HER BY MARRIAGE."" " WE'LL HAVE TO MOVE." " MOVE?" "!" "I SHALL MISS THIS HOUSE." "OVER THE YEARS, I'VE MADE IT A CENTER OF CULTURE AND TASTE." "( blows nose )" "WHY SHOULD WE HAVE TO MOVE?" "IF THIS AREA IS HEADING FOR A MORAL DECLINE," "WHAT CHOICE HAVE WE?" "I WILL NOT RAISE SHERIDAN IN A CONTINENTAL ATMOSPHERE." "I CAN'T BELIEVE ELIZABETH IS INVOLVED IN ANYTHING CONTINENTAL." "I CAN'T BELIEVE IT EITHER." "HOW FORTUNATE YOU ARE, RICHARD," "TO HAVE A WIFE OF IMPECCABLE MORAL RECTITUDE." "DO WE REALLY NEED ALL THESE SUITCASES?" "I WILL NOT BE OUTDRESSED BY THE OTHER PASSENGERS." "NO, PEOPLE ON THESE LUXURY LINERS DO NOT SKIMP ON LUGGAGE." "WE'RE IN NO DANGER OF A SKIMP." "OH, RICHARD," "IT'S BEEN MY DREAM TO CRUISE ON A WONDERFUL SHIP." "DO YOU REMEMBER THOSE NEWSREELS" "OF THE HOLLYWOOD STARS ARRIVING AT SOUTHAMPTON," "IN FURS AND MOUNTAINS OF LUGGAGE." " ( phone rings )" " OH, I'LL ANSWER THAT," "IT MAY BE THE CAPTAIN WANTING TO WELCOME US ABOARD." "ALL THAT LUGGAGE." "WHAT A BUMMER." "WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE," "OUR HYACINTH'S VERY PROUD" "OF HER COMMAND OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE." " BEAUTIFUL DAY, ELIZABETH!" " YES, ISN'T IT?" "COMPLETELY CONDUCIVE TO CONTEMPLATING" "COZY, CHARISMATIC COUNTRY COTTAGES." "YOU'LL LIKE WHAT'S COMING NEXT." "DON'T YOU DARE STOP READING." ""'STANDARDS.' IT IS BY NO MEANS EASY TO MAINTAIN STANDARDS" "WHEN YOU HAVE A SISTER" "WHO'S BEEN UNFORTUNATELY DRAGGED DOWN BY HER HUSBAND."" "OH, NICE!" "HOW COULD MY SISTER MARRY ONSLOW?" "PRESUMABLY SHE LOVED HIM." "DON'T BE RIDICULOUS, HOW CAN YOU LOVE AN ONSLOW?" "HE SINGS ON COACH TRIPS." "I JUST PRAY I'M NEVER SEEN HERE" "BY PEOPLE OF OUR OWN SOCIAL STANDING." "OH, IT'S YOU, ONSLOW." "HOW ARE YOU?" "YOU NEEDN'T GO INTO DETAILS," "THIS IS MERELY AN ENQUIRY AFTER YOUR GENERAL HEALTH." "I'M SORRY YOU HAVE A MOSQUITO BITE," "BUT ITS EXACT LOCATION IS REALLY NO BUSINESS OF MINE," "DESPITE OUR BEING RELATED THROUGH MARRIAGE." "YES, ONSLOW," "I'M SURE MOST PEOPLE WONDER" "HOW YOU MANAGED TO GET BITTEN THERE." "BUT THAT'S NOT THE KIND OF SPECULATION I CARE TO PURSUE." "HOW COME SHE ALWAYS MISSES MY RAW SEX APPEAL?" "HOW COME I DO?" "READ." ""OF COURSE, I HAVE TO KEEP VISITING." "THEY ARE STILL MY FAMILY" "AND MY BELOVED DADDY LIVES WITH THEM." "I'D HAVE HIM HERE WITH ME," "IF ONLY HIS DENTURES WEREN'T SO NOISY."" "'MORNING, HYACINTH." "COME FOR THE WEDDING?" "( laughs )" "WHY IS IT ONE ALWAYS SEES SO MUCH OF ONSLOW?" "DOES HE NEVER COVER HIMSELF ENTIRELY?" "HE LIKES TO KEEP HIS ARMS FREE." "I DON'T KNOW WHY, HE NEVER DOES MUCH WITH THEM." "IT'S POOR RICHARD I FEEL SORRY FOR." "I WISH YOU WOULDN'T RAISE YOUR ARMS LIKE THAT, RICHARD," "NOT WHEN YOU'RE OVERHEATED." "IT'S VERY COMMON OUT OF DOORS." "IT'S WARM WORK, HYACINTH." "IF YOU HAVE TO PERSPIRE, I WISH YOU'D GO INTO THE BACK GARDEN" "SO AS NOT TO DISTURB PEOPLE WHO RESPECT US SOCIALLY." "TELEPHONE, DEAR." "YOU'RE WANTED ON THE PHONE." "I THINK IT'S URGENT." "I'M NOT OFFERING AN OPINION." "THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID-- "URGENT."" "PLEASE DON'T SHOUT IN THAT EXCITABLE MANNER OUTDOORS, RICHARD." "I DON'T LIKE YOU GETTING EXCITED OUTDOORS." " ( grunting )" " DON'T GRUNT WHEN YOU POLISH, RICHARD." "I CAN HEAR YOU BREATHING, DEAR." "I DON'T THINK IT'S QUITE NICE TO HEAR PEOPLE BREATHING." "YOU'D THINK BY NOW EVOLUTION WOULD HAVE REPLACED" "OUR UNFORTUNATE BODILY FUNCTIONS" "WITH SOMETHING A LITTLE MORE TASTEFUL." "I SUPPOSE IT WAS PERFECTLY ADEQUATE FOR PRIMITIVE PEOPLES," "BUT REALLY..." "WE ARE MERELY MAMMALS, AFTER ALL." "RICHARD!" "WHAT A THING TO SAY TO SOMEBODY" "WITH A SOLID SILVER SELF-CLEANING SAUCE SEPARATOR." "OH, IT'S US AGAIN." ""OF COURSE THEY DON'T HAVE ANY SILVER AT ONSLOW'S AND DAISY'S." "MIND YOU, THEY HAVE CORNERED THE MARKET IN RUBBISH."" "HOW CAN A PLACE LOOK LIKE THIS 50 YEARS AFTER THE BLITZ?" "LEAVE IT, LEAVE IT!" "( dog barking )" ""THAT WAS THE PERFECT LEAD INTO MY NEXT CHAPTER" "'EMBARRASSING MOMENTS.'" "SOME OF THE THINGS THAT HAVE SADLY GONE WRONG" "IN MY ATTEMPTS TO KEEP MY HEAD UP" "AND MAINTAIN MY HIGHLY-RESPECTED POSITION WITHIN THE COMMUNITY." "FOR A START, THERE WAS THE DAY WHEN ELIZABETH VOLUNTEERED" "TO GIVE ME A LIFT TO DAISY'S." "ON THE WAY, I SUDDENLY REALIZED WITH HORROR" "THAT THIS WOULD MEAN THAT SHE WOULD SEE WHERE THEY LIVED." "I THEN HAD A BRILLIANT IDEA," "TOLD A LITTLE LIE, AND STOPPED HER OUTSIDE" "A RATHER SMART PROPERTY IN THE AVENUE." "I ASSUMED THAT SHE WOULD DRIVE ON, BUT SHE SAID SHE WOULD WAIT FOR ME." "I HAD NO ALTERNATIVE BUT TO APPEAR TO GO  TO THEIR FRONT DOOR" "AND THEN SOMEHOW GET OUT OF THEIR GARDEN."" "( both laughing )" ""THEN THERE WAS THE DAY I WENT FOR AN INNOCENT DRIVE WITH THE MAJOR."" "ALONE AT LAST." " WHAT ARE YOU DOING, MAJOR?" " CAN'T YOU TELL?" "NOW, MAJOR" "HERE AND NOW IF YOU LIKE." "NO, I CAN'T." "I MUST BE GETTING BACK." "OOH!" "LISTEN" "I BELIEVE I HEAR A LINNET." "GOD, YOU KNOW JUST HOW TO INFLAME A CHAP!" "NO-- I" " UNHAND" "UNHAND ME." "I'M A MEMBER OF THE CHORAL SOCIETY." "MATURE, MATRONLY LADIES" "HAVE ALWAYS BEEN MY PROBLEM." "( car horn honks )" "AAH!" "AAH!" "OHH!" "( gasping )" "EVEN AS A YOUNG MAN, MY COLLEAGUES" "WERE ALL CHASING AFTER DELICIOUS LITTLE" "( horn honking )" "BUT I WAS CAPTIVATED BY THE GOVERNOR'S WIFE." "SHE WAS BUILT TO LAST, BUT I LOVED HER." "REALLY, YOU MUST STOP, MAJOR." "IF MY SHERIDAN WERE HERE, HE'D BE APPALLED." "( horn honking )" " ( groaning ) - ( horn stops )" "THAT MAJOR MUST HAVE HAD A CHEST FULL OF MEDALS." "FANCY HAVING THE NERVE TO TACKLE YOUR HYACINTH?" "I'VE GOT THE TIME IF YOU'VE GOT THE NERVE." "JUST KEEP READING, DAISE." ""SOMETHING ELSE WHICH ALSO HAS TO COME" "UNDER THE HEADING OF 'EMBARRASSING MOMENTS'" "WAS THE TIME I HAD TO MOVE A HUGE DOG" "THAT HAD BEEN THOUGHTLESSLY LEFT ON OUR DRIVEWAY" "BY ONE OF ROSE'S BOYFRIENDS."" "NOW, PAY ATTENTION DOG." "OFF WE GO THEN." "ARE YOU PUSHING, DEAR?" "I'M TRYING, HYACINTH." "SEEMS TO BE AN AWFUL LOT OF DOG." "( barking )" "I THINK WE'RE WINNING, DEAR." "( both barking )" "BE WITH YOU IN A MOMENT, MRS. HENDERSON!" "VIOLET, YOU SOUND EXCITED, DEAR." "HOW ARE YOU?" "YES." "BRUCE HAS WHAT?" "TAKEN UP SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMING?" "YES, VERY HEALTHY." "MMM." "HE WANTS TO DO WHAT, DEAR?" "BORROW A FLORAL BIKINI?" "LOOK, LOOK" "I" " NO-- IT'S TOTALLY" "I" " NO, DEAR." "I'VE NEVER HEARD OF ANYTHING SO RIDICULOUS IN ALL MY LIFE." "UP" " ONE, TWO, DOWN" " ONE, TWO," "UP" " ONE, TWO, DOWN" " ONE, TWO." "IT'S AN EXERCISE, YOU KNOW, FOR THE HIPS." "VERY GOOD." "OOH!" "IS THERE ANY MORE ABOUT US?" "I'LL SAY THERE IS." "HOW DOES SHE KNOW SO MANY PRIVATE THINGS ABOUT US?" "SISTERS TALK, YOU KNOW." ""RICHARD AND I" "HAVE SUCH A HAPPY AND SELF-DISCIPLINED MARRIAGE" "THAT I WAS SOMEWHAT EMBARRASSED" "BY MY SISTER DAISY'S CONFESSIONS."" "WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN TELLING HER?" "THE TRUTH." "SOME OF THE FIRE'S DEFINITELY GONE OUT OF THE RELATIONSHIP." "NOTHING PERSONAL, DAISE," "IT'S JUST-- WOMEN GET OLDER QUICKER." "I KNOW IT'S NOT FAIR, BUT THE FACT REMAINS" "THAT US MEN STAY ATTRACTIVE LONGER." "WHY DO YOU KEEP READING STUFF LIKE THAT?" "BECAUSE IT'S MY LAST FOOTHOLD IN ROMANCE." "I GET VERY LITTLE PRACTICE;" "AT LEAST I CAN KEEP ABREAST WITH THEORY." "I'M OFF MEN." "THAT'S IT, FINISHED!" "THERE ISN'T ONE WORTH SHAVING YOUR LEGS FOR." "DO YOU THINK I SHOULD SHAVE MINE?" "FOR ONSLOW?" "I SHOULDN'T BOTHER, LOVE." "ONSLOW, WHAT WOULD YOU THINK IF I SHAVED MY LEGS?" "I'D THINK IT WAS TOO LITTLE, TOO LATE." "YOU NEVER NOTICED WHEN I GOT THAT NEW NIGHTIE." "LET ME GIVE YOU A TINY WORD OF ADVICE, DAISE" "NOW, YOU'LL NOT FIND THIS IN YOUR ROMANTIC NOVELS," "BUT IF YOU'RE GONNA WEAR A SEE-THROUGH NIGHTIE, DON'T WEAR A VEST." "YOU WERE WONDERFUL, ONSLOW!" "AND YOU DID IT ALL FOR ME." "I WISH THERE WAS SOME WAY I COULD REPAY YOU." "( grunting )" "LISTEN, DAISY," "WHEN I PROMISED TO LOVE, HONOR AND OBEY," "I DIDN'T NECESSARILY MEAN EVERY TUESDAY." "( Burlesque music playing )" "( music stops )" "WELL?" "ANY MORE BACON?" "HERE." "LET ME PICK THE BITS." "ANYTHING YOU SAY, LOVER." ""'GUIDING RICHARD.'" "SWEET AS THEY ARE, YOU DO HAVE TO PROMPT THE MAN IN YOUR LIFE." "I REMEMBER WHEN I FIRST SAW THE MAN NEXT DOOR" "AT MY NEIGHBOR ELIZABETH'S" "BEFORE I LEARNT IT WAS HER BROTHER." "NATURALLY ONE WAS CURIOUS," "ALTHOUGH OF COURSE, IT'S NOT GOOD MANNERS TO SHOW THIS." "SO I TRIED TO PROMPT RICHARD" "AS HE WAS LEAVING FOR WORK," "TO SEE WHAT HE COULD FIND OUT."" "I'VE FORGOTTEN SOMETHING." "Onslow:" ""RICHARD ALSO TENDS TO NEED PROMPTING" "WHEN HE'S DRIVING."" " WATCH THE CYCLIST." " I'M WATCHING THE CYCLIST, HYACINTH." "MY EYES ARE RIVETED TO THE CYCLIST." "AREN'T WE GOING TOO FAST?" "THIS IS A BUILT-UP AREA." "I'M UNDER THE LIMIT." "YOU WENT PAST NUMBER 23 TOO FAST." "FAR TOO FAST." "SHE HAD NO OPPORTUNITY TO SEE MY HAT." "AND WATCH THE LORRY." "WHICH LORRY?" "THERE YOU ARE, YOU SEE?" "YOU CAN'T EVEN SEE THE LORRY." " WHERE IS IT?" " PARKED OVER THERE." "WHY SHOULD I WATCH A STATIONARY LORRY" "PARKED ON THE OTHER SIDE OF A DUAL CARRIAGEWAY?" "Onslow:" ""THEN WE WERE GOING TO GIVE" "THE EMINENT MRS. FORTESCUE A LIFT." "AND I HAD TO GIVE RICHARD SOME GUIDANCE."" "NOW SHOW ME HOW YOU INTEND TO GREET MRS. FORTESCUE," "WHO HAS CHOSEN US, REMEMBER, ABOVE ALL HER ACQUAINTANCES" "BLESSED WITH THEIR OWN TRANSPORT." "NOW SHOW ME." "UH..." "GOOD MORNING, MRS. FORTESCUE." "NO, NO, RICHARD!" "IT'S TOO TENTATIVE, DEAR." "YOU MUST MAKE HER REALIZE AT ONCE" "THAT YOU'RE A POWER IN LOCAL AUTHORITY CIRCLES." "NOW TRY IT AGAIN, DEAR." "COULDN'T I JUST SAY, "GOOD MORNING, MRS. FORTESCUE"" "AND WEAR A LARGE LABEL SAYING, "POWERFUL IN LOCAL AUTHORITY CIRCLES"?" "I DON'T THINK THAT'S VERY AMUSING, DEAR." "I HOPE YOU'RE NOT GOING TO SPOIL THINGS WITH LOWER MIDDLE-CLASS HUMOR." "OOOOOH!" "* LITTLE OLD LADY PASSING BY... *" "I TOLD YOU." "I TOLD YOU." "* WE ALL LOVE... *" ""RICHARD DESPERATELY NEEDED MY GUIDANCE" "WHEN HE HAD TO ATTEND A JOB INTERVIEW." "I MADE HIM REHEARSE."" "NOW LET ME SEE YOU, RICHARD." "AND REMEMBER-- FIRST IMPRESSIONS." "( bell rings )" "THE TROUBLE IS, I DON'T DO IMPRESSIONS." "NO, NO, NO, RICHARD!" "I WANT TO SEE A CAPTAIN OF INDUSTRY." "YOU MUSTN'T LET FROSTICLES SEE YOU LOOKING INDECISIVE LIKE THAT." "I FEEL INDECISIVE." "I'M HAPPY WITH INDECISIVE." "RICHARD, WHEN FROSTICLES FIRST CLAPS EYES ON YOU," "YOU MUST BE LOOKING FORCEFUL AND EXECUTIVE." " I SHALL BE FORCEFUL AND EXECUTIVE, HYACINTH." " GOOD." "I" " I CAN FEEL IT NOW" "COMING UP THROUGH MY KNEES." "OH, HERE IT COMES," "UP THROUGH MY GROIN!" "RICHARD, WHAT KIND OF LANGUAGE IS THAT FOR A SENIOR FROSTICLE?" "NEXT!" "( laughing )" "I WONDER IF RICHARD BELIEVES IN GOD," "OR WHETHER HE FEELS HE'S ALREADY GOT ENOUGH TO HANDLE." "WHAT DO YOU BELIEVE IN?" "I BELIEVE IN THREE SQUARE MEALS A DAY." " HOW ABOUT FOUR?" " IT'S A DEAL." "RIGHT, RIGHT." "OH, COME ON." "HERE, THIS SHOULD BE INTERESTING" ""HOW I DEAL WITH THOSE, WHOSE POSITION IN LIFE IS TO SERVE."" "I KNOW JUST WHAT SHE MEANS." " I DID THE CHIPS." " BIG DEAL." "GOOD MORNING, MADAM." "YOU THE ONE WITH THE WONKY TELLY?" "NO, I AM NOT THE ONE WITH THE WONKY TELLY." "I AM THE LADY WHOSE TELEVISION REQUIRES ADJUSTING." "OH, I SEE." "CAN I COME IN?" "IF YOU PROMISE NOT TO BRUSH AGAINST MY WALLS." "THEY'VE RECENTLY BEEN REDECORATED" "UP TO AND BEYOND BRITISH STANDARDS." "NOW, WIPE YOUR SHOES." " ( wiping shoes )" " ON SECOND THOUGHTS, YOU BETTER REMOVE THEM." " BUT I'VE" " NO, YOU'LL BE PERFECTLY ALL RIGHT." "YOU'LL BE STANDING ON GRADE ONE AXMINSTER." "THIS WAY." "AH!" "AND BE CAREFUL." "WHAT EXACTLY IS WRONG WITH YOUR SET?" " IS IT THE PICTURE OR THE SOUND?" " IT'S NEITHER." "WHAT I WANT YOU TO DO" "IS TO INSERT ONE OF THOSE LITTLE THINGS" "THAT GOES "BLEEP" OVER EVERY EXPLETIVE." "COME ALONG." "AH, MRS. BUCKET" "MRS. "BOUQUET." CAN I HELP YOU?" "I WISH THE TOWELS IN MY ROOM TO BE REPLACED, PLEASE." " IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG?" " YOUR TOWELS ARE RATHER HARD AND KNOTTY." "POSSIBLY NOT FOR THOSE OF COARSER SKIN," "BUT IF I DRIED MYSELF ON THEM," "I'LL PROBABLY LOSE AN ENTIRE LAYER OF MY EPIDERMIS." "I THINK IT'S ABOUT TIME I WAS ON MY WAY." "NOW, YOU MUSTN'T FEEL YOU FAILED" "BECAUSE I'VE REFUSED TO PURCHASE YOUR PAMPHLETS." "THIS IS OF COURSE ALREADY A CHRISTIAN HOUSEHOLD." "I HAVE NO QUARREL WITH ANYTHING YOU SAY," "IT'S MORE YOUR TENDENCY TO BRUSH AGAINST MY WALLS." "OH!" "I WASN'T AWARE THAT I DID BRUSH AGAINST YOUR WALLS." "NOW, YOU'RE STILL VERY YOUNG," "AND I QUITE UNDERSTAND THAT YOU LACK THE EXPERIENCE TO REALIZE" "THAT WHEN THE LORD WANTS YOU TO VISIT HOUSES OF THIS CALIBER," "HE'LL EXPECT YOU TO WEAR SOMETHING MORE CHRISTIAN IN THE WAY OF SOCKS." "THEY'RE HARDLY HEATHEN." "WELL, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME..." "IF, AS YOU INSIST," "ONLY A FEW OF US ARE GOING TO BE SAVED," "THEN SOCKS LIKE THAT MAY COUNT AGAINST YOU." "ONE MORE WORD OF ADVICE" "I'M SURE THE LORD WOULD HAVE NO OBJECTION" "TO YOUR REMARKING ON THE QUALITY OF THE FURNISHINGS" "YOU'RE SOMETIMES PRIVILEGED TO ENJOY." "MY QUEEN ANNE CORNER CABINET, FOR INSTANCE," " IS AN EXACT REPLICA OF THE ONE IN SANDRINGHAM HOUSE." " OH REALLY?" "I WOULD ADVISE YOU TO TRY AND TAKE NOTICE OF THOSE THINGS." "THANK YOU." "I'VE ONLY HAD TO REMOVE MY SHOES ONCE BEFORE." " OH?" " AND THAT WAS IN A MOSQUE." "AND THEN, THE SERMON WAS SHORTER." "OH, LET ME." "YOU'LL ONLY SPILL YOUR BEER." ""'SHOWING PATIENCE.'" "PATIENCE IS A VIRTUE, ESPECIALLY WITH SOMEONE LIKE ELIZABETH," "WHO FOR SOME REASON SEEMS TO FALL TO PIECES" "AS SOON AS SHE ARRIVES FOR COFFEE."" "I KNOW YOU PREFER A BEAKER, ELIZABETH." "YOU DO GET SO NERVOUS WITH MY COLLECTIBLE CHINA." "YES, I DO, I REALLY DO." "I DON'T KNOW WHY." "IT NEVER HAPPENS ANYWHERE ELSE." "OH NO, I'M MUCH HAPPIER WITH A BEAKER." " ( phone rings ) - ( screams )" "NOW YOU MUSTN'T GIVE IT ANOTHER THOUGHT, DEAR." "I'M NOT ONE TO MAKE A FUSS..." " ( ringing continuing )" " HOWEVER BADLY IT MARKS ANYTHING." "THERE'S NARY A COMPLAINT." "WE WERE THINKING OF CHANGING THE RUG ANYWAY!" ""ONE DAY, WHEN I WANTED TO TALK TO HER" "ABOUT A CHANGE I THOUGHT I HAD NOTICED IN RICHARD," "WE HAD COFFEE IN THE LOUNGE."" "IT MUST BE MY IMAGINATION." "HE'S ALWAYS BEEN SO RELIABLE." "LOOK HOW NICELY HE KEEPS THE CAR." " BISCUIT?" " OH, THANK YOU." "HE WOULDN'T HAVE GOT SO FAR IN PUBLIC SERVICE, WOULD HE," "IF HE HADN'T BEEN SUCH A ROCK OF RELIABILITY?" "PLATE?" "THANK YOU." " BISCUIT?" " YES" " OH!" "THANKS." " SUGAR?" " NO!" "NO, NO SUGAR." "I WAS SAYING AS MUCH ONLY THIS MORNING" "TO THE LORD CHAMBERLAIN'S OFFICE." "AAH!" "RICHARD!" "RI" " RICHARD!" "OOH!" "I'LL JUST GET YOUR COFFEE, ELIZABETH." "OH LOOK, HYACINTH," "I THINK I'LL GO WITHOUT COFFEE." "NONSENSE!" "I INVITED YOU FOR COFFEE, AND COFFEE YOU SHALL HAVE." "OH NO, PLEASE, HYACINTH," " I'D REALLY MUCH PREFER" " WORRY NOT," "I HAVE THE SOLUTION." "PLAN B, NO HALF MEASURES." "THE OBVIOUS ANSWER." "I SPOTTED THIS IN A SHOP THE OTHER DAY," "AND I SHALL KEEP IT ESPECIALLY FOR YOU." "THANK YOU, HYACINTH." "I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY." "HERE YOU ARE, ELIZABETH." "AND PLEASE NOTE, PINK FOR A LITTLE GIRL." " THANK YOU, HYACINTH." " OH, I ALMOST FORGOT," "WE MUST COVER ALL CONTINGENCIES." "JUST IN CASE YOU SHOULD DROP THIS ONE," "WE DON'T WANT THE LID TO COME OFF, DO WE?" "I LEAVE THIS WITH YOU, EMMET." "I'M SURE YOU HAVE THE NECESSARY BOY-SCOUT QUALITIES." " DIP!" "DIP!" " DOB!" "DOB!" "OH, DON'T FORGET MY COTSWELL CREAMS," "THEY'RE MADE FROM AN ANCIENT COUNTRY RECIPE." " OH, THANK YOU, HYACINTH." " PLATE?" "WELL, HA!" " SUGAR?" " OH, THANK YOU, HYACINTH." "SEE, I CAN DO IT WHEN THERE'S NO ONE HERE." "WHEN HYACINTH'S NOT WATCHING," "I CAN HANDLE ROYAL DOULTON AS WELL AS THE NEXT PERSON." "IT'S PERFECTLY SIMPLE." "YOU JUST TAKE HOLD OF IT, FIRMLY BUT GENTLY," "YOU RAISE IT CAREFULLY." "SEE?" "IT DOESN'T EVEN WOBBLE." "SO WHY CAN'T I DO IT WHEN HYACINTH'S HERE?" " ELIZABETH?" " OOH!" " MY SYMPATHIES ARE WITH ELIZABETH." " MINE TOO." "OOPS, THIS MUST BE US AGAIN." "WHAT'S SHE SAYING?" ""'TRYING TO KEEP UP APPEARANCES IN SPITE OF ONE'S RELATIVES.'"" "OH, NICE!" "I'LL BE WITH YOU IN A MINUTE." "NOW YOU'VE FINISHED YOUR COFFEE," "YOU'LL BE WANTING TO GET BACK TO YOUR BROKEN CAR." "DON'T LET ME DETAIN YOU." "NO!" "NOT THAT WAY." "NO, I THINK WE'LL GO OUT THROUGH THE BACK DOOR." "IT MAKES A CHANGE." "YOU MUSTN'T BE LATE FOR YOUR GARAGE MAN." "I'LL SHOW YOU WHERE I THINK I'VE SEEN A WREN." "I'M SURE IT WAS A WREN." "I SAID TO RICHARD, "RICHARD, THAT'S A WREN."" "DAISY, ONSLOW!" "HOW NICE TO SEE YOU." "WHAT A LOVELY SURPRISE." "ONSLOW, YOU MUST BE FREEZING IN JUST THAT VEST." "PUT THIS ON." "NOW." "COME ON." "WE CAN'T HAVE YOUR TATTOOS EXPOSED-- TO THE ELEMENTS." " I'M BOILING!" " NO, NO." "LOOK AT YOU, YOU'RE A MASS OF GOOSE-PIMPLES." ""ONE OF THE MOST EMBARRASSING OCCASIONS EVER" "WAS WHEN THE VICAR CAME TO TEA."" "ELIZABETH, IF YOU COULD PASS ROUND MY ROYAL DOULTON" "WITH THE HAND-PAINTED PERIWINKLES?" "MUST I, HYACINTH?" "I'M TERRIFIED OF DROPPING ONE." "IT IS LOVELY CHINA, MRS. BUCKET." ""BOUQUET"!" "IT IS SOMETHING OF A FAMILY HEIRLOOM." "I THINK IT WOULD REALLY BE BETTER IF WE ALL HELPED OURSELVES." " YES, WE CAN DO THAT." " YES, JOLLY GOOD IDEA." "I DID HAVE IN MIND SOMETHING RATHER MORE ORDERLY." "( car backfires )" "IF THE ASSEMBLED COMPANY WOULD PLEASE EXCUSE ME?" "SOMETHING'S JUST COME UP." "WHY DOES SHE KEEP PICKING ON US?" "WHAT ABOUT YOUR ROSE?" "FUNNY YOU SHOULD SAY THAT." ""'ROSE, HER BOYFRIENDS AND HER CHOICE OF CLOTHES.'"" ""THERE WAS TROUBLE WITH A CAPITAL 'T'" "WHEN SHE DECIDED TO JOIN OUR CHURCH-CLEANING VOLUNTEERS." "I'M SURE IT WAS ONLY BECAUSE SHE WANTED TO BE NEAR THE VICAR."" "I AM SORRY, BUT PLEASE DO GIVE HIM MY REGARDS." "GOOD AFTERNOON, VICAR." "ISN'T IT A LOVELY DAY?" " YES, INDEED." " DO YOU THINK THE RAILINGS NEED DUSTING?" " RAILINGS?" "DUSTING?" " THEY LOOK RATHER DULL IN THIS KIND OF LIGHT." ""I DON'T THINK ROSE WILL EVER CHANGE." "SHE'S ALWAYS WEARING REVEALING CLOTHES" "AND MOVING FROM ONE MAN TO ANOTHER."" " ( music playing on TV )" " IS THERE ANY TEA LEFT?" "YOU'RE DONE UP A BIT FLASH FOR THIS TIME OF THE MORNING." "THIS ISN'T THE MORNING." "NO, THIS IS WHAT I WAS WEARING LAST NIGHT." "HAVEN'T YOU BEEN HOME SINCE LAST NIGHT?" "NO, BUT I'D HAVE COME STRAIGHT HOME IF I'D REALIZED." " REALIZED WHAT?" " WELL, THAT HE MEANT IT." ""WOULD I LIKE TO POP IN AND SEE HIS MODEL AIRPLANES?" HE SAID." "GO ON, ASK ME" "ANYTHING ABOUT MODEL AIRPLANES." " I LIKE THE COUNTRYSIDE." " SO DO I." "I'VE HAD SOME LOVELY TIMES IN THE COUNTRY." "I BET YOU WOULDN'T RECOGNIZE ANY OF THE PLACES IN DAYLIGHT." ""IT'S NOT AS IF I HAVEN'T GIVEN HER THE BENEFIT OF MY ADVICE."" "ROSE, I HOPE YOU'RE WEARING SOMETHING SENSIBLE" "FOR THIS TELEPHONE CALL." "YES, IT ALWAYS MAKES ME VERY NERVOUS" "TO THINK I MIGHT BE TALKING TO A MINISKIRT." "YES, I KNOW YOU STILL HAVE GOOD LEGS, DEAR." "I JUST WISH YOU DIDN'T WAVE THEM ABOUT SO MUCH." "IT'S HIM!" "IT'S MR. BARTHOLOMEW!" " WHO?" " SHUT UP!" "NO, NO, NO, YOU'RE NOT INTERRUPTING ANYTHING, NO." "I WAS JUST SITTING HERE QUIETLY, READING MY PRAYERBOOK." "OH YES!" "YES!" "I OFTEN READ MY PRAYER BOOK." "THE FAMILY LAUGH AT ME." ""THERE GOES ROSE AGAIN," THEY SAY," ""READING HER PRAYERBOOK."" "YES, I AGREE." "PERHAPS I-- I DON'T LOOK RELIGIOUS," "BUT ISN'T THERE SOMETHING IN THE BIBLE ABOUT..." "HIDING YOUR LIGHT UNDER A BUSHEL?" "A VERY SHORT BUSHEL." ""'MUSIC, MAESTRO, PLEASE.'"" " WHAT'S ALL THAT ABOUT?" " HER SINGING." ""ONLY SOME OF US ARE BLESSED WITH THE GOD-GIVEN GIFT OF A WONDERFUL VOICE."" "AND SHE'S NOT ONE OF THEM." ""ONE OF THE OCCASIONS I HAD AN IMPROMPTU OPPORTUNITY" "TO IMPRESS EMMET WITH MY SINGING" "WAS WHEN TWO OF ROSE'S BOYFRIENDS" "WERE ARGUING ABOUT HER ON OUR DOORSTEP."" " ( men shouting )" " YES." "ELIZABETH," "HOW IS YOUR DAUGHTER DOING WITH HER STUDYING?" "!" "QUITE WELL, THANK YOU!" " DID YOU HEAR THAT?" "!" " I EXPECT EVERYBODY HEA-  ( shouting stops )" " EVERYBODY HEARD IT." "DON'T SHOUT, DEAR." "I'M SO GLAD TO SEE" "( men yelling )" "( shouting ) IT WILL BE SO NICE FOR SHERIDAN TO HAVE SOMEBODY" "INTELLIGENT TO TALK TO WHEN HE COMES HOME!" "YOU KNOW, I DO BELIEVE I FEEL A SONG COMING ON." "A SONG!" "EMMET, YOU'LL UNDERSTAND, WON'T YOU, DEAR?" "THAT WHEN THE MOOD DICTATES, WHAT WOULD ONE DO" "BUT JUST ANSWER THE HEART AND SING!" " SING, SING, SING!" " ( yelling intensifies, pounding )" "* ROSE OF ENGLAND THOU SHALL FADE *" "I THINK I WILL HAVE THAT DRINK NOW, RICHARD." "* PROUD AND BRIGHT... *" "* THOU SHALT BLOSSOM TO THE END *" "* OF *" "* TIME. *" ""THEN THERE WAS THE TIME I RECEIVED SOME WORRYING NEWS ABOUT DADDY," "AND I HAD TO LIGHTEN THE ATMOSPHERE" "AND CREATE A DISTRACTION."" "NO, I CANNOT COME OVER, DEAR." "WE HAVE GUESTS." "JUST HOLD ON A MINUTE, WILL YOU, DAISY?" "I'M SO SORRY ABOUT THIS." "SISTER TALK." "* OH, SISTERS, SISTERS *" "* THERE WERE NEVER SUCH DEVOTED SISTERS. *" ""ONE OF MY OTHER MUSICAL MOMENTS WITH EMMET" "WAS WHEN I WAS REHEARSING WITH HIM," "HAVING VOLUNTEERED TO SING FOR THE OLD FOLK."" "* WITH A GU-UN, WITH A GU-UN-- *" "NO, NO, LOOK, SUPPORT ME." "LOUDER." "PIU FORTE." "* WITH A GU-UN, WITH A GU-UN-- * NO, IT'S TOO LOUD, NOW." "PIU PIANO, PIANISSIMO." "* OH, YOU CAN'T GET A MAN, A MAN" " A MAN--*" "YOU SURE YOU'RE PLAYING THE RIGHT NOTE?" "I SUPPOSE IRVING KNEW WHAT HE WAS DOING." "* IF I WENT TO BATTLE *" "* WITH SOMEONE'S HERD OF CATTLE *" "* THERE'D BE STEAK-- * NO!" "YOU LOST YOUR PLACE AGAIN." "I THOUGHT YOU HAD IT FROM THE BEGINNING." "* IF I WENT TO BATTLE *" "* WITH SOMEONE'S HERD OF CA-- *" "KEEP IT GOING FASTER!" "* THE DAY WAS DONE *" "* IF I SHOT THE HERDER, I'D HOLLER BLOODY MURDER!" "*" "LOOK, YOU TOLD ME HE'D BEEN CERTIFICATED." ""AND THEN THERE WAS THE OCCASION WHEN RICHARD AND I" "WENT TO THE RAILWAY STATION TO MEET THE COMMODORE," "WHO WAS A GUEST SPEAKER AT THE LADIES' LUNCHEON."" "HOW ARE WE GONNA FIND THE COMMODORE IN THIS LOT?" "LEAVE THAT TO ME, DEAR." "* OH SHENANDOAH, I LOVE YOUR DAUGHTER *" "* OH HEY, YOU... *" "I WOULDN'T HAVE GIVEN HER A BRASS FARTHING." "HERE, I'LL TAKE THAT." "YOU GET ON WITH YOUR BEER." "OH, THAT'S WHAT I LOVE ABOUT YOU, ONSLOW," "YOU'RE SO THOUGHTFUL." "NOT REALLY." "I JUST WANNA GO BACK" "TO THAT 'EMBARRASSING MOMENTS' SECTION." "OHH." ""I WAS VERY EMBARRASSED" "THE DAY WE HAPPENED TO BE AT MY SISTER DAISY'S" "WHEN MRS. COUNCILOR NUGENT" "CAME TO RETURN SOME QUITE UNSUITABLE ITEMS" "THAT ROSE HAD SENT TO A CHARITY SHOP."" " WHAT'S THE MATTER?" " IT'S MRS. COUNCILOR NUGENT." " I HOPE SHE DIDN'T SEE ME." " ( loud knocking )" " BETTER LET ME ANSWER THE DOOR." " NO!" "WE CAN'T LET WORD GET THROUGH TO THE COUNCIL CHAMBER" "THAT YOU'VE EVEN BEEN SEEN IN THIS AREA." "( knocking continues )" "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" "( mock Swedish accent ) VHAT IS IT YOU VANT?" "I AM A FOREIGNER IN YOUR COUNTRY." ""MY SISTER ROSE COULD ALSO BE VERY EMBARRASSING IN A MOTOR VEHICLE," "ESPECIALLY AS ON THIS OCCASION WE WERE WITH ELIZABETH AND EMMET."" "OH, IT LOOKS LIKE I'M GOING TO HAVE TO SIT ON SOMEONE'S KNEES." "OH, THAT'S LOVELY." "OOH, OOH IF I'M TOO HEAVY" "JUST WIGGLE A BIT." "ARE WE ALL SET, THEN?" "RIGHT." "HOLD ON TO YOUR BRACES." "HERE WE GO." "( engine starts, backfires )" ""THEN THERE WAS THE TIME I ASSISTED WITH THE PENSIONERS' OUTING," "AND WAS FOOLISH ENOUGH TO GO INTO THE FUN HOUSE" "WITH A RATHER ROMANTICALLY INCLINED ITALIAN GENTLEMAN." "AND OF COURSE, I SHALL NEVER FORGET THE DAY I MISSED THE BOAT, LITERALLY."" "STOP THE SHIP!" "( horn blaring )" "( laughing )" "DON'T LOSE THAT 'EMBARRASSING MOMENTS' SECTION, WHATEVER YOU DO." "ALL RIGHT, I NEED A BOOKMARK." " HERE." " OH, VERY HYACINTH." "OKAY, WHAT'S NEXT?" ""'OUR VISITORS.'" "PEOPLE MAKE IT SO OBVIOUS HOW MUCH THEY LOOK FORWARD TO OUR HOSPITALITY" "ELIZABETH AND EMMET PARTICULARLY."" "LOOK, YOU'RE A FREE SPIRIT." "IF YOU DON'T WANT TO GO AROUND THERE FOR COFFEE WHEN SHE ASKS YOU, SAY NO." "IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY DIFFERENCE, SHE NEVER LISTENS ANYWAY." "ALL RIGHT, WE'LL REHEARSE IT." "YOU SIT THERE PRACTICING STEELY DETERMINATION," "AND I SHALL PRETEND TO BE HYACINTH." "GREATER LOVE HATH NO MAN FOR HIS SISTER" "THAN TO BE HYACINTH." "RIGHT." "HERE WE GO." "PHONE RINGING." "WELL, ANSWER IT." " HELLO." " COFFEE AT 11:00, ELIZABETH." "THANK YOU, HYACINTH." " OH, NO!" " I'M SORRY." "LET'S HAVE ANOTHER GO." "AND REMEMBER LIZ," "YOU'RE A WOMAN NOT TO BE TRIFLED WITH." "RIGHT, HERE WE GO AGAIN." "PHONE'S RINGING." " HELLO?" " IT'S ONLY ME, ELIZABETH." "COFFEE AT 11:" "OO." "NO, THANK YOU, HYACINTH, SOME OTHER TIME." "I DID IT!" "YOU SEE?" "WELL DONE!" "IT'S JUST A QUESTION OF GETTING STARTED, ISN'T IT?" "ONCE YOU START, IT IS QUITE EASY." "AND YOU ARE VERY GOOD," "YOU REALLY SOUNDED LIKE HYACINTH." "I MUST ASK YOU TO NEVER REPEAT THAT IN FRONT OF A LIVING SOUL." " ( phone rings )" " GO ON, ANSWER IT." " ( ringing continues )" " HELLO?" "COFFEE AT 11:00?" "THANK YOU, HYACINTH." "SHALL WE PUT A FEW FLAGS OUT?" "DON'T NAVAL PERSONNEL LIKE A FEW FLAGS?" "HAVE WE GOT ANY FLAGS?" "WE HAVE A CHINESE ONE, DEAR." "REMEMBER WE USED IT WHEN I SANG A LITTLE SOMETHING FROM "THE KING AND I."" "WASN'T THAT SIAM?" "WE DIDN'T HAVE A SIAMESE FLAG, DID WE?" "I FELT CHINESE WAS CLOSE ENOUGH." "WHAT WAS THE NUMBER I SANG, NOW?" "HOW DID IT GO?" "OH, I REMEMBER!" "* HAP, HAP, HAP, HAP, HAP, HAP, HAPPY TALK *" "* TALK ABOUT THINGS *" "* YOU'D LIKE TO DO. *" "THAT WAS "SOUTH PACIFIC."" " BISCUIT?" " OH, THANK YOU." "OH!" "NO DOILY!" "YOU MIGHT JUST AS WELL GET IT OVER." "COME AND HAVE A COFFEE," "AND MAKE IT PERFECTLY CLEAR TO HER" "THAT YOU HAVE ALREADY PICKED YOUR CAST," "AND THEN SHE'LL LEAVE YOU IN PEACE." "SHE NEVER LEAVES ME IN PEACE." "I'M DESTINED TO GO THROUGH THE REST OF MY LIFE BEARING A HYACINTH." "SHE'S REALLY VERY FOND OF YOU." "I CAN'T THINK WHY." "I'M AS NASTY AS I CAN BE." "SHE THINKS YOU'RE ATTRACTED TO HER." "POOR DEVIL!" "I WOULDN'T FANCY THE IDEA OF BEING DESIRED" "BY SOMEONE LIKE YOUR HYACINTH." "WHAT ABOUT SOMEONE LIKE ME?" "NOT NOW, DAISE." "I'VE GOT MY HANDS FULL." "I WISH YOU HAD." ""'THE ART OF THE TELEPHONE.'" "IT'S VERY IMPORTANT TO MAKE ONE'S PRESENCE FELT FROM THE WORD GO."" "NO, I DIDN'T SAY IT WAS AN EMERGENCY." "HOW AM I TO RECOGNIZE IF IT'S AN EMERGENCY?" "THAT'S WHAT I EXPECT YOU TO TELL ME." "WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT'S MY WATER?" "THAT'S THE VERY POINT, IS IT MY WATER?" "WHEN I TURNED ON MY TAP THIS MORNING, IT DIDN'T LOOK LIKE MY WATER." "IT'S NOT AS BRIGHT AND SPARKLING AS I'M ACCUSTOMED TO." "IT LOOKS TO ME AS IF IT'S BEEN USED." "ARE YOU CHANGING MY SUPPLY?" "BECAUSE IF YOU ARE, I SHALL WANT A DETAILED EXPLANATION" "OF WHERE IT COMES FROM." "NOW PLEASE, DON'T TAKE THAT TONE WITH ME." "I EXPECT MY FORMER WATER TO BE RESTORED IMMEDIATELY." "A BATHROOM WITH GOLD-PLATED TAPS" "IS NO PLACE FOR YOU TO BE TRYING TO OFFLOAD SECONDHAND WATER." "DO I SOUND LIKE A CHINESE TAKE-AWAY?" "I'M A HIGHLY DESIRABLE PRIVATE RESIDENCE" "IN AN AREA OF OUTSTANDING NATURAL PROPERTY VALUES..." "AND I'M WAITING FOR YOUR APOLOGY." "UNLESS OF COURSE, THE THOUGHT OF BEAN SHOOTS" "AND CRISPY WONTON HAVE TOTALLY STIR-FRIED YOUR BASIC GOOD MANNERS." "NOW, KINDLY CLEAR THIS LINE." "THERE ARE PEOPLE OF SUBSTANCE IN THIS COMMUNITY" "WHO ARE PROBABLY QUEUING TO RING ME AT THIS VERY MOMENT." "YOUR SUGGESTION IS NOTED," "BUT I SEE LITTLE PRACTICAL MERIT" "IN HAVING THE TELEPHONE UP MY JUMPER." "I'D LIKE YOUR SHIPPING FORECAST DEPARTMENT, PLEASE." "DO WE REALLY NEED THE SHIPPING FORECAST?" "RICHARD, WE'RE GOING YACHTING THIS WEEKEND." "IT'S NOT AS IF THE BOAT WILL BE ACTUALLY MOVING." "WE'RE SPENDING THE WEEKEND TIED UP ALONGSIDE." "HELLO, YES?" "AND GOOD MORNING TO YOU." "NOW MY HUSBAND AND I" "ARE GOING YACHTING THIS WEEKEND," "AND WE'D LIKE YOUR SHIPPING FORECAST." ""WHICH AREA?" WHICH AREA?" "TELL THEM-- TELL THEM WHERE THE BOAT IS MOORED." "I DON'T HAVE AN EXACT COMPASS BEARING TO HAND," "BUT WE'LL BE ON THE RIVER NEAR OXFORD." "WHY AM I NOT ENTITLED TO A SHIPPING FORECAST?" "LOOK I MAY NOT BE GOING AS FAR AS FISHER, GERMAN BIGHT," "BUT ARE SUCH THINGS AS CROMARTY, DOGGER AND HELIGOLAND" "STRICTLY RESERVED FOR SPECIAL SAILORS?" "LOOK, I WARN YOU," "IF WE GET LOST IN A HURRICANE, I'LL REPORT YOU TO YOUR SUPERIORS." ""OF COURSE IT'S A DIFFERENT MATTER WHEN SHERIDAN RINGS."" "SHERIDAN, HOW THOUGHTFUL OF YOU TO RING MOMMY, DEAR." "IT'S SHERIDAN!" "WHAT DOES HE WANT?" "I DON'T KNOW THAT HE WANTS ANYTHING, DEAR." "IT'S JUST A PERSONAL THOUGHTFUL LITTLE CALL TO HIS MOMMY." "YOU NEED WHAT, SHERIDAN?" "SOME PAJAMAS?" "I DON'T SEE WHY NOT." "NOW YOU SURELY CAN'T BEGRUDGE THE BOY A PAIR OF PAJAMAS." "DADDY SAYS OF COURSE" "YOU MAY HAVE SOME NEW PAJAMAS." "I'LL GET SOME AND SEND THEM ON TO YOU." "OH, YOU'VE SEEN SOME THAT YOU LIKE?" "OH YES, IT'S NO PROBLEM." "WE COULD SEND THE MONEY INSTEAD." "HOW MUCH?" "HOW MUCH?" "BUT WHY DO THEY HAVE TO BE PURE SILK?" "YOUR FRIEND TARQUIN ONLY WEARS PURE SILK PAJAMAS." "I SEE." "NO, OF COURSE YOU WOULDN'T WANT TO BE LEFT OUT." "GOODBYE, DEAR." " HYACINTH" " HY" " I THINK IT'S SPLENDID" "THAT SHERIDAN IS MIXING WITH SUCH A NICE CLASS OF PERSON." "NOW I'VE GOT TO GET THESE HERE" ""'COUNTRY LIFE.'" "I HAVE TO ADMIT TO SOME DIFFICULTIES WITH LIVESTOCK."" " WHAT IS IT?" " IT'S A GOAT." "ARE THEY HOUSE-TRAINED?" "I SHOULDN'T THINK SO." "OH, JUST LIKE ONSLOW." "( goat bleats )" "( pig oinking )" "RICHARD, RICHARD!" "RICHARD, OH!" " ( geese quacking )" " OH-HH!" "Onslow:" ""I TRIED MY HAND AT RIDING," "BUT FOUND IT A LITTLE DIFFICULT."" "ALLEY" " ALLEY-- ALLEY OOP!" "ALLEY OOP!" "I'M JUST TAKING A BREATHER." "Onslow:" ""UNFORTUNATELY, EMMET THEN WITNESSED" "MY FEEBLE ATTEMPTS TO GET THE HORSE STARTED."" "PERHAPS YOU LEFT THE BRAKE ON, HYACINTH." "HMM?" "IN FILMS, WHEN THEY WANT TO GET A HORSE GOING," "THEY SLAP IT ON THE RUMP." "WELL, TRY THAT, DEAR, BUT GENTLY." "REMEMBER, I'M NOT ROY ROGERS." "HURRY UP, HYACINTH." "WE'VE ONLY GOT THE HORSES FOR AN HOUR." "TALLY-HO, WE'RE JUST COMING!" "TRY IT A BIT HARDER, DEAR." "( horse whinnies )" ""ON REFLECTION, I DON'T THINK I'M VERY GOOD WITH HORSES."" ""'THE MILK AND THE MAIL:" "HOW TO DEAL WITH REGULAR DELIVERIES.'"" "AH YES!" "I THOUGHT I HEARD THE MILKMAN." "HOW?" "I'D LIKE TO KNOW HOW YOU HEARD THE MILKMAN?" "YOU MUST HAVE RADAR." "NO, THANK YOU." "MY USUAL TWO PINTS AND THE OCCASIONAL YOGURT WILL BE ALL RIGHT." "OH YES!" "AND ANOTHER THING," "I'M STILL WAITING FOR AN ANSWER TO MY QUERY." "WHAT QUERY WAS THAT, MRS. BUCKET?" ""BOUQUET."" "I WANTED YOUR SUPERIORS TO FIND OUT WHICH COW MY MILK COMES FROM." "I WILL NOT HAVE MY BOTTLES COMING FROM JUST ANY OLD ANIMAL." "WE PASSED A VERY PHOTOGENIC HERD RECENTLY" "GRAZING ON THE EARL OF CRAWFORD'S ESTATE." "WOULD YOU PLEASE ENSURE THAT IN FUTURE" "MY TWO PINTS DAILY COME FROM THEM?" "ALL THE MILK'S BEEN THOROUGHLY TESTED, MRS. "BOUQUET."" "I SHOULD HOPE SO." "JUST REMEMBER THAT AT LEAST TWO PINTS OF IT" "ARE DESTINED FOR SOME VERY HIGH QUALITY CHINA." "Postman:" "WHY ME?" "( silent )" "I'D LIKE A WORD WITH YOU, POSTMAN." "D-DID YOU SEE THAT?" "I WAS ABOUT TO DELIVER THIS IN THE ORDINARY MANNER," "WHEN THIS SUDDEN FREAK WIND TORE IT OUT OF MY GRASP." " WHEW!" " WIND?" "AND THANK GOODNESS, IT'S GONE AS QUICKLY AS IT CAME." "DON'T WORRY, YOU'RE QUITE SAFE NOW." "NEVER MIND ABOUT THAT." "WHAT HAVE YOU GOT FOR NEXT DOOR?" "I CAN'T SHOW YOU WHAT I'VE GOT FOR NEXT DOOR." "I DON'T WANT TO LOOK INSIDE." "I JUST WANT TO BE SURE THAT YOU HAVE AN ENVELOPE" "IN MY HANDWRITING FOR NEXT DOOR," "SO THAT I KNOW THEIR INVITATION HAS ARRIVED." "THEY'RE INVITED TO MY WATERSIDE SUPPER WITH RIPARIAN ENTERTAINMENT." "YOU POSTED A LETTER THAT'S ONLY GOING AS FAR AS NEXT DOOR?" "YES." "WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST PUSH IT THROUGH THEIR LETTERBOX?" "BECAUSE I LIKE PEOPLE TO KNOW" "THAT I USE FIRST-CLASS STAMPS." "PLEASE, COULD I SEE IT?" "I'M SORRY, MRS. BUCKET-- "BOUQUET"!" "SORRY, BUT NO, NO, NO!" "IT'S MORE THAN MY JOB'S WORTH" "TO START SHOWING YOU OTHER PEOPLE'S MAIL." "IT'S NOT OTHER PEOPLE'S MAIL," "IT'S MY MAIL." "I WROTE IT." "NO, I'M SORRY." "ALL RIGHT." "I'LL TURN MY BACK." "I'LL DESCRIBE THE ENVELOPE TO YOU." "THE ENVELOPE IS OF A PALE SHADE OF MAUVE," "LAVENDER SCENTED." "IT IS ADDRESSED TO ELIZABETH AND EMMET," "AND THE POSTAGE STAMP IS ALIGNED EXACTLY" "TO THE EDGE OF THE ENVELOPE." "CLOSE." "OH, GIVE IT TO ME." "NO" " OH." "LET'S HAVE A LAST LOOK AT THAT "EMBARRASSING MOMENTS" BIT." "OH, NOT AGAIN!" "OHH..." "ALL RIGHT." "( chuckles )" ""ONE OF MY MOST EMBARRASSING MOMENTS OF ALL TIME" "WAS WHEN WE BORROWED A BOAT FROM THE PARENTS OF A FRIEND OF SHERIDAN'S." "RICHARD AND I DROVE TO THE MARINA EARLY" "SO THAT I COULD PREPARE MY NAUTICAL SUPPER," "READY FOR ELIZABETH AND EMMET." "WE MADE OUR WAY TO BERTH 29 AS INSTRUCTED," "AND FOUND THIS MAGNIFICENT CRAFT." "I WAS REALLY THRILLED!" "THAT IS UNTIL RICHARD DISCOVERED A PROBLEM."" "HYACINTH, IT'S THE WRONG BOAT." "WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT'S THE WRONG BOAT?" "IT'S IDEAL." "IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME, COME AND READ THE NAME." "OHH." "SEE?" "HOW DISAPPOINTING!" "UNLESS, OF COURSE, CONTESSA TWO" "IS AN EVEN NICER BOAT." "THEY SAID BERTH 29." "MAYBE THERE'S ANOTHER BOAT IN BERTH 29." ""IF WE HAD TO USE SUCH A LOW-QUALITY CRAFT," "I INSISTED THAT WE MOVED IT WELL AWAY FROM THE SUPERIOR ONES," "SO COMPARISONS COULDN'T BE MADE." "HOWEVER, RICHARD DIDN'T MAKE IT VERY EASY FOR ME TO CLIMB ABOARD."" "( screams )" "( groans )" "( sighs )" "THAT'S BETTER." "NOW THEN, RICHARD" "RICHARD?" "RICHARD!" "DON'T LEAVE THE BOAT, RICHARD!" "DON'T FORGET TO WRITE!" "HOW DARE YOU ABANDON SHIP, RICHARD?" "RICHARD, HELP ME!" "THROW ME A ROPE." "WELL CAUGHT, DEAR." "KEEP UP, RICHARD!" "KEEP ALONGSIDE, DEAR." "QUICKLY, RICHARD!" "( yells )" "RICHARD!" "WHATEVER MADE YOU DO THAT, DEAR?" "YOU ARE CARELESS." "DO SOMETHING, HYACINTH!" "( engine starts )" "RICHARD!" "NOW, JUST MIND YOUR NEW JERSEY." "TURN IT OFF!" "SWITCH IT OFF!" "( engine shuts off )" "JUST LOOK AT YOUR JERSEY." "NOW STOP MESSING ABOUT, WILL YOU, RICHARD, DEAR?" "AND COME ABOARD." "RICHARD, RAISE YOURSELF!" "THAT'S WHAT I AM TRYING TO DO." "WELL, TRY A BIT HARDER!" ""THERE WAS ONE OCCASION" "WHEN IN ORDER TO BE PART OF WHAT WAS GOING ON," "I HAD NO ALTERNATIVE BUT TO SWALLOW MY PRIDE," "AND DANCE WITH ONSLOW." "I REMEMBER THAT." "I REMEMBER YOU DANCING WITH HYACINTH!" " ME TOO." " SEQUINS GLITTERING, BREASTS HEAVING," "BLUSHING DELICATELY-- AND THAT WAS YOU!" "I SHOULD THINK SO." "IT'S VERY UNNERVING HAVING ARMFULS OF HYACINTH." "MAYBE YOU SHOULD PRACTICE MORE WITH HER SISTER." "GOOD NIGHT, DAISE." "( theme music playing )"