"ANN:" "Mr. Hotate, hi." "Thank you for coming." "Would you like some water?" "Water?" "Like fire water?" "That's racist, and I do not appreciate it." "No, no, no, no, no." "I didn't mean it like that." "I just meant, you know..." "I'm just messing with you." "Oh. my God!" "(LAUGHS)" "He's funny." "This guy's funny." "He does that sometimes." "But seriously." "I'll have a whiskey." "LESLIE:" "Ken Hotate is the leader of the Wamapoke people, and we are trying to get them involved in our Pawnee Commons project." "Ken and I get along great." "But historically, Pawnee's relationship with the Wamapoke has been more..." "Murder-y." "What about, and I'm just spitballing here, a large neon advertisement for the Wamapoke Casino?" "We have a new slogan that I'm quite proud of," ""Our slots are downright filthy."" "I think it's a slam-dunk idea." "I think we're done here." "I don't think we are." "I don't know if we could put that in a public park." "In that case, the playground will be great." "Why don't we retire to my longhouse and smoke the ceremonial peace pipe to celebrate?" "(ALL LAUGHING)" "Is he joking?" "I don't know." "Well, well, well." "If it isn't Mr. Best Man and Bachelor boy." "Ann Perkins, Maid of Honor, are you ready for the bachelorette party?" "Uh, more than ready." "We've got dancing, Jell-o shots, private karaoke, and anything that can be penis-shaped will be penis-shaped." "Oh!" "What?" "As Leslie's maid of honor," "I really need her bachelorette party to go well." "Which is why I'm stress-eating gummy penises." "What are you losers doing for your bachelor party?" "I told Ben he could do whatever he wants." "Sky is the limit." "We have Haverford, Swanson, Dwyer..." "Jerry forced his way in there somehow..." "Things are bound to get crazy." "The game is Settlers of Catan." "The object is be the first to build a civilization on this fictional island." "I can't believe this is what you want to do for your bachelor party." "Look, guys, we don't have to play this game if you don't want to." "I mean, I'm nationally ranked, so it isn't even really fair." "Ben, this is your night." "We do what you want to do." "Come on, let's play." "I'm not a big bachelor party kind of guy, so when the guys asked me what my perfect night would be," "I told them the truth." "Beer and board games." "They thought I was kidding." "I was not kidding." "Is this gonna be one of those cool bachelorette parties where things get out of control and we murder someone, and then we all have to take a blood oath to never reveal our secret?" "No." "Then I might have to leave early." "What the hell?" "Well, well, well." "Don't you ladies look nice..." "For once?" "Just kidding." "I've actually always been attracted to this one." "Jamm, what the hell are you doing?" "We're laying the groundwork for Pawnee's newest restaurant." "(APRIL READING)" "Look, the deal was that both of us had three months to get our proposals together, and then we put it up for a vote." "We still have two weeks left." "Yeah, that's true." "However, here's the problem." "Turns out, I don't care." "You can't stop this train." "Make all the ruckus you want." "By the time this all gets cleared up, the people will be frothing at the mouth for that beef." "Aw, sweet!" "A new Paunch Burger." "(LAUGHS)" "Their burgers will kill you!" "They're full of wasps!" "Yeah, but they taste real good." "Yes, they do, sir." "Once again, open invitation." "I'm still technically married, but my wife knows the deal." "Ugh." "Oh, I'm sorry, what's this?" "Seven contiguous segments, giving me longest road and a sweet-ass 10 points for the win." "Uh, boo-yaw.!" "Okay." "All right." "Guys, come on over here." "Gather round." "I want to propose a toast." "To our new Lord of Catan," "Ben Wyatt, a great friend and a wonderful man." "May you and Leslie find eternal happiness together." "Hey." "Oh, yeah, oh, yeah." "Thanks, you guys." "Thanks for indulging me." "Hey, you want to stick around?" "I got a bunch of Homeland episodes burning a hole in my DVR." "No!" "I'm sorry." "On principle, I cannot stand idly by and watch a bachelor party peter out like this." "Now, I know you said no strippers 'cause they make you sad." "Correct." "Then let's go get a drink at Essence." "It's the hot new bar in Eagleton." "Things Magazine said it's the next big thing." "But, Tom, this is Ben's night." "Believe me, if the group's happy, I'm happy." "I'd go." "If you guys spot me." "It sounds expensive." "Just so you know, it's not your typical bar." "They specialize in molecular mixology." "It's kind of like an experimental new way to consume alcohol." "Son, there's no wrong way to consume alcohol." "BARTENDER:" "Here's your Bud Light." "I ordered a beer." "That is a beer." "And here's your Nimbus Martini." "May I go ahead and chisel your aromasphere?" "Please!" "This is the wrong way to consume alcohol." "Whoa!" "That's a pretty stiff cloud." "Who ordered the Scotch?" "Right here." "Hold out your hands, please." "What's happening?" "Oh, this is a sort of play on Scotch." "It's a whiskey-infused lotion." "Can I ask if this entire establishment is a practical joke of some kind?" "If you don't like the Scotch, they have a vodka that's served in the form of a flash of light." "Hey." "Having fun?" "Well, four years of work down the drain, and I have a penis on my head." "Jamm is stealing this lot right out from under us." "My dream is dead, Ann." "Mine too." "This is why I prefer nightmares." "You are sad drinking right now, and I need you to be happy drinking." "Like when we watch Grease together." "I know, Ann, but everything's gonna disappear." "April's mini-dog park, the "Li'l" Sebastian fountain, even the Wamapoke playground." "Yet another piece of Wamapoke land plowed over by the white man." "Just try to forget about it." "I mean, there's nothing you can do to stop them tonight." "LESLIE:" "For almost 200 years," "Pawnee repeatedly built factories, restaurants, and other stuff on land held sacred by the Wamapoke people." "So we passed a law saying that if any sacred Wamapoke artifact is found on a development site, all construction must immediately stop." "It would be terrible if that were to happen on this future Paunch Burger site." "(LAUGHING)" "Oh, this is bad." "I should not have done this." "(MUSIC PLAYING)" "(DOOR BELL RINGING)" "Oh, I wonder who that is." "Well, if it isn't Babe Lincoln!" "Imagine that." "Hello, ladies." "I'm Abraham Lincoln." "Who's the lucky Mary Todd?" "Right here." "Right here." "Uh-uh, uh-uh." "Me first." "Okay." "All right, tear it up, 16!" "Emancipate them abs." "(ALL CHEERING)" "Come on, Ann, not now." "Come on, Leslie, just loosen up." "I know for a fact this is a sex dream you've had." "Looks like it's time for the Gettysburg undressed!" "(CHEERING)" "Okay." "And we're gonna have to stop now." "I'm sorry, I'm just not in the mood for historical nudity." "Please, Mr. President, put your pants back on." "Ann, can I speak with you privately?" "Is your name Glenn?" "Yeah." "I sat behind you in middle school band." "Do you still play the clarinet?" "Yeah." "How have you been, man?" "Man, if I ever have a bachelor party, lam definitely coming back here." "You never had one before you were married to Wendy?" "No, it was a green card wedding." "I did watch the three-way sex scene from Wild Things a few times the night before, but it didn't really count." "I never had a bachelor party either." "Me and April, we got married with no warning." "I didn't even have time to take a shower before my wedding." "(LAUGHS) Or after." "For, like, a week and a half." "Tammy One forbade me from any kind of celebration, and Tammy Two thwarted me by calling in a bomb threat to the steakhouse." "I didn't have one, either!" "Yeah, really, it's a funny story." "So two weeks before I married Gayle," "I had an emergency appendectomy." "Boop!" "That's me hitting the snooze button." "Don't talk again for another 10 minutes." "New idea!" "Tonight, everyone gets the bachelor party they never had." "One activity per bachelor." "Welcome to Tom's bachelor party, held in a white airplane hangar from the ice planet Hoth, replete with dangling, beautiful aerialists." "To Tom Haverford." "ALL:" "To Tom Haverford!" "(CHEERING)" "And to my bride, Rihanna." "We truly did find love in a hopeless place." "Waiter, a round of light-flash shots for me and my friends!" "(GUYS CHEERING)" "APRIL:" "Okay, so what happened?" "Well, I buried a bunch of Wamapoke artifacts in the dirt so that people would find them and have to stop developing at the site." "You know, when I say it out loud, it doesn't sound so bad." "No, that's bad." "Yeah, that's pretty uncool." "Shut up, Glenn." "I'm sorry, guys." "Councilman Jamm was being sneaky, and then I tried to sneaky him back, and it turned to crummy, and I have to undo it." "I need your help." "You don't mean..." "I do." "No." "I'm not doing that." "You guys, the penis hats cut your digging time in half." "I'm serious." "Don't be afraid." "Use the penises." "Bachelorette party..." "Whoo!" "Perkins does it again." "(sums)" "You know, I met Gayle right here at Sherm's." "Hmm-mmm." "She was slender." "Blonde hair, big breasts, long legs." "Ugh." "not my type at all." "And what was it, exactly, that led to you two hitting it off?" "Was she ill, or did your father witness her father committing a crime?" "Or was she temporarily blind..." "CHRIS:" "You know what?" "All that matters is that you got married, and you're happy." "So as all-time best man, I suggest we raise a cone to Jerry Gergich." "Jerry Gergich." "ALL:" "Jerry!" "Thank you." "Aw, geez." "No worries, Gary." "(LAUGHS)" "Oh, thanks, Sherm." "How did you have that ready so fast?" "I always make a backup cone." "He drops it about half the time." "CHRIS:" "Andy, you're next." "Any activity in the world." "What would you do?" "Well, mine's impossible." "I want to see a Colts game." "I want to see the Colts beat the Patriots 49 to nothing, then I yell at Tom Brady and make him cry, then I hook up with Dave Matthews, and we play Golden Tee for 10 hours." "...baby!" "T hat' s a very spasms dream, son." "Hey, Jim, Chris Traeger." "I need a favor." "I'm dead." "I am dead." "And this is what heaven is like." "I knew it." "TOM:" "Oh, this is where they play the games!" "You're up, Andy." "Hey, guys!" "Guys, come on over here." "Andy, I want you to meet Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay." "Andy, good to meet you, my friend." "Thank you." "I love your team, sir." "I love them like they're my own children." "You're big enough to play football yourself, it looks like to me." "(LAUGHS) I can't tell if you're joking, but I hope you're not." "This whole place is yours." "CHRIS:" "Jim Irsay and I became friends while volunteering to mentor Indianapolis teens." "I gave them tours of the state house." "Jim gave them Colts tickets and autographed jerseys." "They preferred Jim." "Reggie Wayne." "I can't look at you, Reggie Wayne." "(LAUGHS) I got married in your jersey." "That's no joke." "That's weird." "But I respect that." "I'm a big fan, Mr. Luck." "Okay. guy." "settle down." "Okay." "Mr. Andrew Luck, it's every groom's dream to catch a touchdown pass thrown by you." "Could you do me the honor?" "Yeah, let's do it." "Keep the spiral tight." "I'll try." "Okay." "(ALL CHEERING)" "Touchdown, Dwyer!" "Andy!" "Yeah!" "REGGIE:" "See ya!" "(SINGING) Hey, yeah" "I wanna shoop, baby" "Shoop" "Here I go, here I go Here I go again" "Girls, what's my weakness?" "Men Okay then" "Let's call Ann real quick." "Rub it in." "ANN:" "Hello?" "Ann Perkins!" "Ann Perkins!" "(GUYS SCREAMING)" "We're having the time of our lives, and I'm calling you to rub it in!" "Really." "We went to an insane bar, played football with the Colts." "With the Colts!" "ALL:" "The Colts!" "Football!" "Now we're going to a steakhouse." "What are you doing?" "Uh, well, we're surrounded by hot guys." "We're surrounded by hot guys." "Boom!" "Oh, Donna just ripped off a stripper's underwear with her teeth." "Whoa!" "Ann, who are you lying to?" "Shh!" "TOM:" "No!" "Can I take a break?" "My hands are tired." "Uh-uh." "We paid for an hour." "You gonna dig for an hour." "Gentlemen, welcome to the Steak House of St. Elmo." "ALL:" "Yes!" "RON:" "Tonight we eat something's flesh!" "I want meat!" "Jerry, are you sure this is our table?" "There's only four settings." "Excuse me, sir." "This is not your table." "Well, I thought you said the Gergich party." "No, no, I said the Gingrich party." "(GASPS) Oh, my gosh, I'm so sorry." "Damn it, Jerry." "But you know what?" "Gingrich, Gergich." "I wonder if we're related." "I don't think so, Jerry." "Okay." "(RON LAUGHS)" "One rare porterhouse, one rare sirloin, and a rasher of bacon." "It's the Lord's work you're doing, John." "I'd like four more glasses of Lagavulin in liquid form." "That's not something you really need to specify." "You'd be surprised." "So, bachelor boy, how's it going with Diane?" "Hmm." "I'm gonna be very candid with you all." "I like her." "(ALL EXCLAIMING)" "Okay, okay, okay." "(CLEARS THROAT)" "There are so many things that I could say about Ron, but I think that the best man's speech should represent the groom." "So I will just say..." "To Ron." "JERRY:" "Oh, to Ron!" "ALL:" "To Ron!" "TOM:" "To Ron." "Just perfect." "Perfect, Chris." "Here you are, sir." "And I thought you might also like to know that your meal has already been taken care of by Mr. Hibbert." "What?" "ALL:" "Oh!" "Hey!" "What's up, Jell-o shot?" "Hey, man." "Roy Hibbert." "Entertainment 720 reunion." "Hey, Tom." "I am not paying for that guy." "He owes me a lot of money." "It's true." "ANN: (SIGHS) Coffee?" "Yes, please." "Take extra cream, 30 sugars." "I can't believe I tried to exploit the Wamapoke for my own personal gain." "Well, we got most of the artifacts, and even if we didn't, they probably won't find them." "Yeah, and if they do, you'll just go to jail." "But you can make wine in your toilet and fight people, which is a super-cool way to live." "Oh, my God." "Tweep." "I Tweeped." "I called Tweep." "Look, I'm telling the truth here, lady." "We haven't found any American Indian artifacts." "Or regular Indian." "Japanese, Muslim, Jewish, none of those weird countries." "Weird countries?" "Shauna Malwae-Tweep." "Wow, (LAUGHS) I'm so glad that you're here." "What's going on?" "Nothing?" "Found something!" "There's other stuff, too." "Arrowheads, more pottery." "I also found some weird-looking gummy candy." "KATHRYN:" "All right, shut it down." "This is a PR nightmare." "We can't do anything until the Indian Affairs Commission weighs in." "This is (BLEEP) bull (BLEEP)" "Okay." "Leslie, Ken Hotate is right over there, you need to talk to him before the meeting and come clean." "(GROANS) He's gonna be so mad." "The Zodiac Killer never confessed." "Why do I have to?" "Leslie, I want the Pawnee Commons as bad as you do." "Actually, that's not true." "You want everything a thousand times more than I do." "But we do not want to win this way." "April, I wish you weren't right, but you are." "You have turned into a very beautiful, wise, and fertile government employee." "Stop." "It's kind of weird when she just starts raining compliments on you, huh?" "Don't try to bond with me." "Can't win." "(LAUGHING)" "Hey, guys, I had these T-shirts made." "They're not exactly a summary of the party we ended up having." "But they're a good memento." "Madness indeed." "I love this!" "Usually you can only get board game T-shirts in XXL." "I just remembered." "We left Jerry back at the gas station in Martinsville." "I'll go get him." "Ah, that guy's the best." "I feel bad he didn't get to have his moment last night." "Hey, you know what we should do for him?" "Yeah, get him a pet snake, but I keep it." "What?" "In 1921, several Wamapoke families were removed from their homes so that Pawnee could install a bumper car track." "In 1951, Pawnee made it illegal for people to," ""Dance or smell like a native American."" "Why are you telling me all this?" "Well, I want to raise the bar of awfulness so that when I confess something to you, you have perspective." "Those artifacts found at Lot 48 were placed there by me." "I wanted to delay construction on the Paunch Burger and buy some more time for my park project." "That is not great." "It sucks." "I'm very, very sorry." "I have great respect for the Wamapoke culture." "And this isn't even about the Pawnee Commons." "I just hope that you can forgive me, Ken." "(sums)" "Hey!" "Hey, guys." "What are you doing here?" "Congratulations." "You have won the award for Best Man." "Full disclosure..." "I voted for Ryan Gosling, but you came in a close second." "Now, you've never been married, so you didn't get your own bachelor party." "But let's look ahead." "TOM:" "The year is 2018." "America is thriving under president Nick Cannon, and tomorrow, Chris Traeger's getting married." "Who's the lucky lady?" "Maybe she's an upbeat gal who's nuts about fitness." "Maybe she owns a 'Mae bar 'm Snerfing." "Maybe it's April." "Maybe I die." "Skydiving explosion." "And then you go marry April." "And it makes me sad, but if she's gonna be with somebody, I'd like it to be you." "Strange, but sweet." "Only I didn't really die." "I was faking it." "And I come back." "I spy on you from my red Corvette." "And I'm planning to kick your ass, but I see how happy you make her, and I have to walk away." "I have to." "And I do, slowly." "In a rainstorm." "Okay, this isn't really in the spirit of what we're trying to do." "But as time goes by, it eats away at me." "You're out living it up with my wife." "And I'm alone." "In a cave." "Training." "Anyone else want to chime in?" "I thought you were my friend." "I thought you were my friend!" "Okay, what we're trying to say is that you are a great guy, and someday, you're gonna meet somebody who's into all the same stuff that you are." "You know, the old Chris would've loved this super-fit health goddess you guys are talking about." "But our great adventure reminded me that now I just want someone that values the important things in life..." "Friendships, passion, happiness." "And dimples are a plus." "(LAUGHS)" "Aw, that's sweet." "I forgive you, bro." "You take care of April." "After careful examination, we have determined that these Wamapoke artifacts could not have originated in Lot 48." "Boom." "Knew it." "LESLIE:" "There's something else." "I would like to go on record and say that..." "Hold on, Ms. Knope." "Please." "I would like to go on record." "Speaking as a citizen of Pawnee," "I do not like the way you went back on your deal with Councilwoman Knope." "It reminds me of what the settlers of Pawnee did to my ancestors, taking their land without permission." "He really plays white people like a fiddle." "Wow, it's amazing to watch." "You and Leslie had a deal." "If that deal is not restored, well, I believe there are six Paunch Burgers in the Wamapoke Casino." "Perhaps it's time that we revisited those contracts." "Is that a threat?" "Why, yes, I thought that was obvious." "Take the sign down." "We'll wait until everything's official." "In the spirit of fair play," "I suggest we put on these authentic Wamapoke headdresses and dance around the table." "Absolutely not." "That sounds highly offensive." "Does it, white man?" "No." "It's not offensive." "So let's do it." "You first." "So clearly, this is not offensive." "It is offensive." "I am very sorry." "Take it off." "Hey, Wyatt." "Oh, hey, Shauna." "So I was chasing this story, but it seems like a dead end." "Then I heard about your crazy rotating bachelor party." "Would you mind if I wrote about it?" "Sure." "But is that really news?" "To me it is." "A group of good friends having fun, doing nice things for each other." "I mean, that's what's important in life, and I want to write about it." "Hey, Chris." "Ben Wyatt." "And Shauna Malwae-Tweep." "Hey, Shauna's doing a story on our group bachelor party." "She said she wanted to write stories about good people doing nice things for each other." "So I figured you two might have a lot to talk about." "You may be right about that." "Do you have a second right now?" "I have thousands of seconds." "Would you like to have lunch?" "Are you a vegetarian?" "A vegan?" "A pescatarian?" "Not that it matters." "I like burgers." "Perfect." "Pittsburgh, Pittsburgh!" "Three-ten, bullock!" "Three-ten, bullock!" "Give it to me." "ANDY:" "How great a day was today?" "Oh, God, I could die." "Greatest day of my life." "I met Andrew Luck today." "I met Reggie Wayne today." "met Jim Irsay." "I'm standing on the field." "Lucas Oil Stadium." "And I'm playing football with my friends." "(GUYS CHEERING)"