"Well, as old as he is in dog years do you think Snoopy should still be flying this thing?" "Rachel?" "Yeah?" "Remember when you first came here and you got trained by another waitress?" "Sure!" "Do you need me to train somebody new?" "Good one." "Actually, Terry wants you to take the training again." "Whenever." "Do you believe that?" "Yeah." "The One Where Rachel Quits" "So that's two boxes of the Holiday Macaroons." "On behalf of the Brown Birds of America, I salute you." "Just admit it." "You have no backhand." "Excuse me, little one." "I have a very solid backhand." "Shielding your face and shrieking like a girl is not a backhand." "I was shrieking like a Marine." "All right, watch me execute the three P's of championship play." "Power precision and panache." "You broke a little girl's leg?" "I know." "I feel horrible, okay?" "It says here that a Muppet got whacked on Sesame Street last night." "Where exactly were you around 10-ish?" "I'm going to see her." "I wanna bring her something." " What would she like?" " A Hello Kitty doll?" "The ability to walk?" "I'm gonna get back to retraining." "All right." "See you, guys." "Look out, kids!" "He's coming!" "I gotta go sell Christmas trees." "Have fun." "Oh, wait!" "No, don't!" "I forgot." "I am totally against that now." "What?" "Me having a job?" "No, I am against innocent trees being cut down in their prime and their corpses grotesquely dressed in, like, tinsel and twinkly lights." "How do you sleep at night?" "Well, I'm pretty tired from lugging the trees around." "You got this all wrong." "Those trees were born to be Christmas trees." "They're fulfilling their life purpose by making people happy." "Really?" "Yes!" "Yes, and the trees are happy too because for most of them, it's their only chance to see New York." "After you deliver the drinks, take the tray..." "Gunther, please." "I have worked here for two and a half years." "I know the empty trays go over there." "What if you put them here?" "That's actually a good idea." "They'll be closer to the mugs." "You should have the other waitresses do that too." "They already do." "That's why they call it the tray spot." "I heard them talk about that." "I just thought it was a club they went to." " I'm sorry." " It's all right." "Sweetheart." "So this must be kind of neat for you, huh?" "Your dad tells me you get school off and you don't have to sell those cookies anymore." "I kind of wanted to sell the cookies." "Whoever sells the most wins a trip to Space Camp and gets to sit in a real shuttle." "You really like all this space stuff, huh?" "My dad says if I'd spend as much time helping him clean apartments as I do daydreaming about outer space he'd be able to afford a trip to the Taj Mahal." "You'd have to clean a lot of apartments to go all the way to India." "No." "The one in Atlantic City." "Dad loves the slots." "He says he'll double the college money Grandma left me." "Well, good luck to Dad." "Say, how many more boxes would you have to sell in order to win?" "The girl who won last year sold 475." "So far, I've sold 75." "Four hundred, huh?" "Well, that sounds doable." "How much are the boxes?" "Five dollars a box." "And what is second prize?" "A 10-speed bike." "But I'd rather have something my dad couldn't sell." "Well, that makes sense." "Could you do me one favor?" "Yeah, Sarah." "Anything." "Could you pull the curtains open?" "The shuttle astronauts are gonna be on the news." "We don't have a TV, so the lady across the alley said she'd push hers up to her window so I can watch it." "Yes?" "Hi." "I'm selling Brown Bird cookies." "You're no Brown Bird." "I can see you through my peephole." "Hi." "I'm an honorary Brown Bird." "What does that mean?" "It means that I can sell cookies, but I'm not invited to sleepovers." "I can dial 911 at the press of a button, you know." "Now, go away!" "Please, please." "It's for a poor little girl who wants to go to Space Camp more than anything in the world." "I'm pressing." "A policeman is on his way." "Okay, okay!" "I'm going, I'm going." "I can still see you!" "All right!" " What are you doing here?" " I thought a lot about what you said and I realize maybe I was a little judgmental." "Yeah." "Oh, but, oh." "Now, now, Phoebe, remember they're just fulfilling their Christmas..." " Destiny." "Yes." " Sure." "That one doesn't look very fulfilled." "That's one of the old ones." "He's just taking it to the back." "You keep the old ones in the back?" "That is so ageist." "We're making room for the fresh ones." "So what happens to the old guys?" "They go into the chipper." "I have a feeling that's not as happy as it sounds." "These are shaped like Christmas characters." "Santa, Rudolph and Baby Jesus." "I'll take a box of the cream-filled Jesuses." "One box?" "I'm trying to send a little girl to Space Camp." "I'm putting you down for 5 boxes." "What about you?" "All right." "Do you have any coconut-flavored deities?" "No, but there's coconut in the Hanukkah Menorah-eos." "I'll put you down for 8 boxes." "One for each night." "Mon?" "I'll take a box of the Mint Treasures." "One, and that's it." "I gained weight after I joined the Brown Birds." "Remember?" "Dad bought every one of my boxes and I ate them all." "No, Mon." "Dad had to buy every one of your boxes because you ate them all." "But, you know, I'm sure that's not gonna happen this time." "Why don't I put you down for 3 Mint Treasures and a couple of Rudolphs?" "No." "Oh, come on, now." "You know you want them." "Don't do this." "I'll tell you what, I'll give you the first box for free." "Oh, God!" "I gotta go!" "Come on!" "All the cool kids are eating them." "And later, I'll show you why we don't just trap spiders under coffee mugs and leave them there." "I'm training to be better at a job that I hate." "My life officially sucks!" "Wasn't this supposed to be temporary?" "You wanted to do fashion stuff." "Yeah, I'm still pursuing that." "How, exactly, are you pursuing that?" "Other than sending out resumes, like, what?" "Two years ago?" "Well, I'm also sending out good thoughts." "If you ask me, as long as you got this job you got nothing pushing you to get another one." "You need The Fear." " The Fear?" " He's right." "Quit this job, and you'll have motivation to go after a job you really want." "Why are you still at a job you hate?" "Why don't you quit and get The Fear?" "Because I'm too afraid." "I don't know." "I'd give anything to work for a designer or a buyer." "I just don't want to be 30 and still work here." "Yeah, that'd be much worse than being 28 and still working here." "Remind me to review with you which pot is decaf and which is regular." "Can't I just look at the handles on them?" "You would think." "Okay, fine." "Gunther, you know what?" "I am a terrible waitress." "Do you know why I'm a terrible waitress?" "Because I don't care." "I don't care which pot is regular and which pot is decaf." "I don't care where the tray spot is." "I just don't care." "This is not what I want to do." "So I don't think I should do it anymore." " I'm giving my week's notice." " What?" "Gunther, I quit." "Does this mean we have to start paying for coffee?" "Okay, 12." "Twenty-two." "Eighteen." "What?" "I spelled out "boobies"." "Put me down for another box of the Mint Treasures, okay?" "Where are the Mint Treasures?" "We're out." "I sold them all." "What?" "Monica, I'm cutting you off." "Just a couple more boxes." "It's no big deal, all right?" "I'm cool." "You gotta help me with a couple more boxes!" "Look at yourself." "You have cookie on your neck." "Oh, God!" " So how many you sold so far?" " Check this out." " Five hundred and seventeen boxes!" " Oh, my God!" "How did you do that?" "The other night I was leaving the museum just as "Laser Floyd" was letting out of the planetarium." "Without even trying, I sold 50 boxes!" "That's when it occurred to me." "The key to my success:" "The munchies." "So I started hitting the NYU dorms around midnight." "I am selling cookies by the case." "They call me "Cookie Dude"!" "Stop what you're doing." "I need envelope stuffers, stamp lickers..." " Who did these resumes for you?" " Me." "On my computer." "You sure used a large font." "Yeah." "Well, "Waitress at a Coffeehouse" and "Cheer Squad Co-Captain" only took up so much room." "Hey, that's funny!" "You're funny, Chandler!" "You're a funny guy!" "You know what else is funny?" "Something else I might have said?" "I don't know." "Weren't you the guy that told me to quit my job when I had absolutely nothing else to do?" "Calm down." "It's gonna be okay." "No, it's not gonna be okay." "Tomorrow is my last day and I don't have a lead." "You know what?" "I'm just gonna call Gunther and tell him I'm not quitting." "You don't want to give in to The Fear." "You and your stupid Fear!" "I hate your Fear!" "I would like to take you and your Fear..." "Hey!" "I got great news!" "Run, Joey!" "Run for your life!" "What?" "Rach, listen." "Have you ever heard of Fortunata Fashions?" "My dad's got a plumbing job there and he heard there's an opening." "You want him to get you an interview?" "Oh, my God, yes!" "I would love that!" "That's so sweet, Joey." "Not a problem." "And now, for the great news." "That wasn't the great news?" "Only if you think it's better than this." "Snow-in-a-Can!" "You want me to decorate the window?" "Give it kind of a Christmas looky?" "Christmas cookie?" "Okay, and this one here's a Douglas fir." "Now, it's a little more money, but you get a nicer smell." "Looks good." "I'll take it." "Wait, wait." "No, no!" "You don't want that one!" "No, no." "You can have this cool brown one." "It's almost dead." "That's why you have to buy it, to fulfill its Christmas destiny." "Otherwise, they'll throw it into the chipper." "Tell him." "Yeah, the trees that don't fulfill their Christmas destiny are thrown in the chipper." "I think I'm gonna look around a little bit more." "You gotta stop doing this." "I'm working on commission here!" "I'm here to pick out my Christmas tree." "Well, look no further!" "This one's yours!" "Is this the one that I threw out last year?" "Never mind!" "Everybody wants a green one!" "I'm sorry." "I didn't mean to get so emotional." "The holidays are just hard." "Oh, honey." "Is that because your mom died around Christmas?" "I wasn't even thinking about that." "Hi there." "How many did you sell?" "I'm not gonna tell you." "You're the bad man who broke Sarah's leg." "Hey, now." "That was an accident, okay?" "You're a big scrud." "What's a scrud?" "Why don't you look in the mirror, scrud?" "I don't have to." "I can just look at you." "All right, girls and man." "Let's see your final tallies." "Debbie." "Three hundred and twenty-one boxes of cookies." "Very nice." "Not nice enough." "Charla." "Two hundred and seventy-eight." "Sorry, dear, but still good." "Good for a scrud." "Yes, Elizabeth." "Eight hundred and seventy-one." "That's crap!" "Sister Brown Bird." "Good going." "Who's next?" " Hi there." " Hi." "And batting for Sarah Ross Geller." "Eight hundred and seventy-two." "Although, it looks like you bought an awful lot of cookies yourself." "That is because my doctor says that I have a very serious nougat deficiency." "Tell us what happened, Brown Bird Ross." "I lost." "Some little girl loaned her uniform to her 19-year-old sister who went down to the "U.S.S. Nimitz" and sold over 2000 boxes." " How'd the interview go?" " Oh, I blew it." "I wouldn't have even hired me." "Come here, sweetie." "Listen you're gonna go on, like, 1000 interviews before you get a job." "That's not how that was supposed to come out." "This is just the worst Christmas ever." "Maybe you should just stay here at the coffeehouse." "I can't." "It's too late." "Terry already hired that girl over there." "Look at her." "She's even got waitress experience." "Last night she was teaching everybody how to make napkins into..." "That word was "swans"." "Well, seeing that drunk Santa wet himself really perked up my Christmas." "Oh, my God!" "Merry Christmas!" "You saved them!" "You guys!" "Oh, God, you're the best!" "Looks like Night of the Living Dead Christmas Trees." "Yeah, this is she." "You're kidding!" "You're kidding!" "Oh, thank you!" "I love you!" "Sure, everybody loves a kidder." "I got the job!" "That's great." "God bless us, everyone!" "Here we go." "I'm serving my last cup of coffee." "There you go." "Enjoy." " Should I tell her I ordered tea?" " No." "Excuse me, everyone?" "This is my last night working here and I just wanted to say that I made some good friends here." "And it's just time to move on." "And no offense to everybody who still works here but you have no idea how good it feels to say that as of this moment I will never have to make coffee again." "Now, Mr. Kaplan Sr. Likes his coffee strong." "So you want to use two bags instead of one." "Now, pay attention." "This part's tricky." "See, some people use filters just once..." "I'm sorry you didn't get to go to Space Camp and I'm hoping that maybe somehow this may help make up for it." "Okay?" "Presenting Sarah Tuddle's Private Very Special Space Camp!" "You don't have to do this." "Oh, come on, here we go!" "Stand by for mission countdown!" "Ten." "Nine." "Eight." "Okay, blast off!" "I'm an alien!" "I'm an alien!" "Oh, no!" "An asteroid!"