"I'm not sick but I'm not well ...And I'm so hot" "Cos I'm in he-ell..." "Big Suze." "Jeremy." "Hi, I thought you might like these." "They're flowers, obviously." "They'll die eventually, but everything does, doesn't it?" "Apart from love, a true love..." "A good love can sustain you all the way through." "It's nice to see you, but I'm working." "Oh yeah, of course, sure, sure." "Of course." "Well, how about tonight." "I mean, are you free?" "I don't know, what are you doing?" "Just, Mark's going to Frankfurt, and I thought, if you fancied, a magic mushroom party at my place." "Oh, I don't know." "Magic mushrooms?" "Sounds a bit scary." "Oh, Suze, it's not scary." "You just lose your sense of who you are, and all that shit." "Will I still be able to play the piano?" "Of course." "Suze, they're mushrooms, they're completely natural." "Nothing natural ever hurt anybody, that's a scientific fact." "I suppose in a way, it's the sort of thing I should do." "If it's something I don't want to do, it's something I should try." "Yeah, exactly." "I mean, if people only did everything they wanted, everyone would spend all day sitting on the carpet watching the Poker Channel, wanking and eating those expensive German biscuits." "Probably." "'Oh, I feel awful." "'Still, made excellent time." "'Great bus driver." "Same old route though." "'I should probably alter it occasionally, evade kidnappers." "'Not much of a risk, but I'd feel such an ass if it did happen.'" "Mark!" "You're home." "'Why is he so happy?" "I suppose I'd be happy if I'd spent 'the day practising my signature and measuring my knob with dental floss.'" "You've only been gone an hour." "What happened?" "Forget your passport?" "I'm ill." "Gastric flu." "It's been going round the office, funny tummy, weird ears." "You're never ill." "Even when you are, you stay at work, because you believe those adverts about the man in marketing stealing your job if you take the day off rather than buying their horrible products." "I'm not going all the way to Frankfurt puking and shitting just to be Tom Finnemore's bitch." "Found out when I got in this morning," "I'm just going to be cueing up his laptop." "Went out to get some remedies, and I thought, "Bollocks to this."" "Just got to let Johnson know." "How ill do you think I sound?" "Well, you look like shit." "But you sound surprisingly chirpy." "What about now?" "Yeah, bit hammy." "But then, I'm a stern critic." "This is my whole area." "Bollocks, he's been on voicemail all morning." "Shall I just leave a message?" "No!" "If you want to convince you're ill, you have to go mano a mano." "Answerphone is the waster's dream ticket." "'This is a fucking disaster." "'The sick man of Europe all over my mushroom party?" "'I can't have him coughing mucus over Suze's lovely face.'" "God, I tell you what though, mate, I think you look OK." "Are you feeling better?" "No." "Well, you look a lot better." "I tell you what else." "Today, I'm going to dedicate myself to you." "I'm going to tend you and tend you and tend you." "You will go to the ball!" "I don't want to go to the ball." "I just want to sit around in my pants." "Hello?" "What the..." "All right, Mark." "Give us 10, would you?" "No!" "No, I bloody won't!" "What..." "Jeremy!" "How did you allow this?" " What?" "I didn't know." " Didn't know what?" "Nothing." "What?" "I don't know, is there a problem?" "You let Super Hans use my bed for filth." "Oh, no." "They didn't go in there, did they?" "Oh, that really is too much." "I'm annoyed now." "I'm so annoyed with them." "That is too much." "Well, where in our massive duplex did you think they'd be?" "In one of the guest suites, or the billiard room?" "I can't get out." "Let me out!" "It's all right, Hans, it's just the handle." "It's funny, you need to lift it." "This is bullshit!" "Sorry, lads." "Locked doors." "Little switch just flicks, you know." "Since Dad locked me in the airing cupboard to monitor the home-brew." "'Nice big lock." "Maybe locks and walls aren't cool, 'but they work for Hadrian and Ariel Sharon.'" "What the hell do you call that?" "It's a short-term solution." "No, it's not." "Yes, it is." "It can't be a short-term solution, it doesn't even reach the floor." "Look, Jeremy, I know for you doing your business in public is probably some sort of dream come true, but I can't live like that." "You need to sort this out." "But Mark, I'll never get round to it." "It's Yellow Pages," "I won't use the right words, they'll realise I'm not proper." "I'll get some cowboy, and end up on ITV2." "Please, before you go to Frankfurt..." "I'm not going to Frankfurt." "'He's never going to do it." "Where am I going to poo?" "'Can't go to Sophie, she's in Bristol." "'I'll have to go to the pub." "They'll think I'm a junkie." "'I could offer them 50p a poo." "'Too weird." "'No, buy a pint each time, just become an alcoholic.'" "Mark, I'll give you anything if you'll do it." "All right, I'll bloody do it." "Great." "'What the hell is he laughing with the carpenter about?" "'You have to maintain the barrier, or they'll retune your radio 'to a commercial station, and force you to borrow their pornography.'" "Brilliant, are you feeling a lot better?" "No." "What were you laughing about?" "What's he doing, how much is it going to cost?" "It's sorted, Mark." "A fair day's work for a fair day's pay." "Don't give me mottoes, Jeremy, I want figures, data." "All right, mate?" "I've just had a call from my therapist." "Need to go and have a bit of a chat." "I shouldn't be more than a couple of hours." "Is that all right?" "Is that included within the rate as agreed?" "No problem, mate, I'll have the kettle on." "Sweet as." "How did we get the one carpenter in Britain with a therapist?" "Oh, sure." "Therapy's only for you and Tony Soprano and Jamie Theakston." "The common man needs therapy too." "Yeah, but on my time?" "Jeremy, shouldn't you..." "Mark, stop, relax, it's OK." "It's fine." "You're recuperating." "Have some lunch." "Three different flavours, all mixed up." "Exciting!" "And then after that, beans." "Until you're better, I'm going to cook all your meals." "Right." "Thanks." "Crisps and beans." "'What will come first, scurvy or rickets?" "'" "It's Johnson." "I don't sound ill enough." "Will you take it?" "All right." "Hi, Alan." "No, it's Jeremy." "Look..." "Oh, really?" "Oh, really?" "That is fascinating." "Tom Finnemore's got the lurgy that's going round." "He's not going to Frankfurt." "Finnemore's got gastric flu?" "Johnson wants you to make the presentation instead." "Oh my God." "Me?" "What shall I say?" "Say yes, you big idiot." "But I'm ill, I'm really ill." "You're only as ill as you think you are!" "OK." "OK, Tell him I'm up for it." "Don't tell him I'm ill." "Say I've been working from home." "Just tell him I'm coming in." "Alan, he's coming in." " You da man!" " I'm a man!" "It's, "You da man."" "Whatever, Jeremy, let's not quibble." "I'm a man!" "'Jez comes good sometimes." "'He's not a total arsehole.'" "'Mushroom sex party all over your flat, while you're chomping 'on a bratwurst and dancing to the oompah band like a total dick.'" "'A smiley face from Sophie." "That's all I get?" "'A template for a three-screen text about team leading in Frankfurt, 'my best news of the decade?" "'I sent her flowers when she got a new fridge.'" "Mark, you really have to make sure that they..." "'Oh God, I feel terrible." "Glands in my neck like a couple of golf balls." "'I've got to look interested, keep nodding, 'nodding, and a bit of eyebrows.'" "Make sure they know we're playing the game, but we don't need to play the game, because we've already won the game." "Yeah?" "Oh, yeah, great." "Absolutely." "Now, they've got a plasma screen in their meeting room, so..." "'Maybe I can just get some rest if I get my hand 'so it looks like I'm concentrating, but actually, grab some micro sleep.'" "Mark?" "Uh-huh?" "Has Sophie been keeping you up?" "Oh, sorry." "She's in Bristol, now isn't she?" "Probably keeping some other guy up now." "Yes, no, no, she isn't." "But good joke there, mate." "'When was the last time Sophie texted you a template, fuckface?" "'" "'He probably thinks I'm a slacker." "'To him, it probably looks like I've done nothing since lunch." "'The washing-up isn't nothing, mate, 'and I'm going to be doing that any bloody minute.'" "So, er, do you reckon you'll get it done soon, like by tonight?" "Oh, yeah, piece of piss." "Wicked." "I'm just working." "I'm a musician, this is work." "I can do you a theme while you're carpenting." "Andy's Theme." "My therapist reckons I should get back into the music." "I used to play drums." "He reckons it'd be a good outlet." "It's cool you've got a therapist." "I mean, what's the big taboo?" "There isn't a taboo." "Exactly." "What's the big taboo?" "Answer - there isn't one." "That's what so cool about it." "There's two types of people, pal." "People who know they've got shit to sort out, and people who don't." "Oh yeah." "Yup, word out." "Truth up, dude." "Truth." "'God!" "'Look at me, talking to a builder like we're both on the same level.'" "People are so quick to judge." ""Look at him, he's having a look at his life, he must be a nutter."" "Me, I'm like, "Fuck off, fuck right off!"" "Yeah, fuck off!" "Fuck off, you idiots." "'Shit, we're so angry together." "'The righteous indignation of the common man." "'Maybe we could start a union - the woodworkers 'and general persons' union.'" "Listen, bro, do you fancy a bit of a jam?" "I've got a bongo, we could have a cheeky toke." "Yeah, why not?" "Sweet as." "'Maybe we'll become best mates and he'll train me up 'to be a carpenter like Jesus." "'And if I get crucified, he'll start a religion in my name." "'Jeremism." "I'm a Jeremist." "Nice.'" "'I get to sleep on the plane." "I can sleep on the plane." "I can sleep.'" "So, we'll get a chance to storm our brains off on the plane." "Right, great." "'I can go to the little loo, put my jacket on the seat like a cushion, 'and make out I got locked in.'" "Mhhhello?" "Oh, for God's sake." "All right." "Flight's delayed." "Industrial action in Frankfurt." "Next one's 7 am." "So we'd better... 'Don't say brainstorm, don't say brainstorm.'" "Get some rest." "You wanna be fresh for the big meet, don't you?" "You take this one." "'God bless those over-unionised European economies.'" "'Magic eye." "Brilliant for a 'shroom party, 'just as long as it's something nice when you get it." "'Yeah, they won't do a magic eye of executions." "'It'll be dolphins or Father Christmas.'" "Mark." "What are you doing here?" "Plane cancelled." "Next one's seven in the morning." "Had a nap in the taxi, but I want to get some more sleep before..." "What the hell have you done to this place, Jeremy?" "Well, I just thought, why have a boring living room?" "Why not have more vibe." "Well, for one thing, it's a fire hazard." "You've never worried about the vibe in here before." "What's going on?" "OK, I'm going to tell you the truth now, but only on the condition, the promise, that you don't freak out, because this really isn't a big deal." "In no way the big deal that you're going to pretend it is." "Jeremy." "It's just, Big Suze and everyone, they're coming over." "You might want to make yourself scarce, because we're taking some magic mushrooms." "Magic mushrooms?" "Yes, and we're smashing down the doors of perception so we can see all the stuff that..." "Isn't really there." "That is really there, but we don't normally see, because we're so transfixed on..." "The stuff that is really there." "Oh, it's so simple for you, isn't it?" "But the truth you're so scared of hearing is that in fact reality and fantasy are exactly the same thing." "Look, Jez, I just don't feel comfortable about you having a drugs party in my flat." "But this is my big chance with Big Suze." "I'm gonna get us both really high, and then try to put my hand up her jumper." "That's your plan?" "Yes." "And I think it would be a lot better if you just stayed in your room." "Why?" "Because I'm an embarrassment?" "No, it's just you'll be bored." "We'll be off our heads talking about the amazing things you can do with hemp, not the interest rates and grisly murders that you're into." "Look, please, Mark." "Please promise to stay in your room all night." "No." "It's my flat and I feel ill." "I just want to lounge around in my pants and watch Judge John Deed." "Can't you and your friends cope with the sight of me lounging around in my pants?" "Listen, the door's almost finished, but I've just had a call from my ex." "She's dumping the kids on me, some bullshit about needing to get her head space together." "I'm gonna shoot off." " Yeah, well, actually..." " Great, thanks, mate." "He's trying to diddle us." "There are girls coming over to take 'shrooms." "They'll have to go to the loo in public." "Well, then, you'd better tell him yourself." "Oh, for God's sake." "Look, sorry, mate, it's actually not cool." "What's that?" "The door." "It might be best if you finish it tonight." "No, pal, I've gotta get over..." "It's just Mark, my mate." "He's a bit of a carrot up the old arse about this kind of thing." "I don't mind, it's fine by me." "Well, anyway, look, I really need it done by tonight, OK?" "I'm off, pal." "Look, you've got to just do it now, OK?" "It's your job." "I'm ordering you to do it." "I'm the boss, you're the worker." "Yeah?" "That's the way it is, is it?" "Well, you can fuck off, pal!" "You can fuck right off!" "'Please don't hit me." "'Good, he hasn't hit me." "Maybe I should hit him." "'Oh no, he's gone.'" "I'm going for a power nap." "I'll be back out later to look at these training videos, so I'll need the living room." "If you must trip, you can trip in here, in your room and a bit in the hall." "'This is a nightmare." "We can't all sit in my bloody room." "'What if one of us goes out and sees him?" "immediate bad vibe." "'Hold on.' It's all right, Mark." "I'll take your Lemsip through for you." "Oh, cheers, mate." "'Am I going to do this?" "'Am I going to do this?" "I've got an evil plan." "I'm like a Bond villain, 'or a young Richard Branson." "'I'm sort of poisoning my flatmate." "Is that OK?" "Doesn't sound great." ""'Why did you poison your flatmate?" "So I could have a party."" "'I'm only poisoning him a tiny bit." "'It's really a white poisoning, a friendly poisoning." "It's just so 'much more civilised than bonking him on the head with a hammer.'" "Hi, mate." "Oh, thanks." "'Shit." "Could this actually kill him?" "It's not going to kill him." "'It's just loads and loads of medicine." "He'll probably wake up 'in three days, completely cured.' You should drink all that down." "OK, thanks." "I will." "That's right." "Drink it all down." "OK." "Have a nice nap." "Thanks." "'It'll be OK." "It's not like I'm going to rape him." "'I could rape him." "'I'm not going to rape him.'" "Ever gone 'shrooming before?" "No, never." "My friend, Otto, had a very bad trip the first time he did it." "He ended up putting his forehead on a train track, thinking it was a big steel sweatband." "Don't worry." "Tripping changed my life." "Before I did 'shrooms, I was stuck at HSBC, doing the nine to five." "Now you've got your room at the centre, and you're making your masks." "Jez, I need to use the loo." "Yeah, sorry about that." "What I was thinking was," "I'll just wedge the door in and hold it while you..." "I won't be listening or anything." "I'll hear, but I won't listen." "OK, you go ahead and do your lovely business, and I'll jam this sucker in place." "'I bet she even does nice poos, little Maltesers that smell like 'the Body Shop." "Just go and check on the victim." "'Not victim, patient." "Patient's nicer." "'He's fine." "Mustn't think I've killed him.'" "'Definite bad trip." "I almost certainly haven't killed him." "'Might be best if I just..." "'No need to think about what I'm doing too much..." "'Out of sight, out of mind." "Brilliant.'" "'I feel terrible." "I feel like someone's trying to deliver 'the whole of the Sunday Times into my head." "'Sophie can't even be bothered to send me templates any more." "'Just go to the loo and then..." "What?" "'He's..." "Has he..." "locked me in?" "!" "This is incredible!" "'This is literally unbelievable!" "I'm locked out of a party 'that's happening in my own home!" "It's Sarah's 18th all over again." "'A mushroom party in my flat is not in the tenant's agreement!" "'Of course, I never made him sign a tenant's agreement." "Bollocks." "'This is the last friendship I have that's not backed up by a legally 'enforceable document.'" "Jeremy!" "Jeremy!" "What's that?" " Is that banging?" " Nope." "But I can hear banging." "You can't hear banging?" "Don't worry, Suze." "There's no banging." "But I'm definitely getting banging." "My God, I'm hearing things." "I don't think I'm having a good time." "I can't be sure, but I really don't think I am." "It does sound a lot like banging." "It's this banging track." "That's what's banging." "I think I might get up." "Oh, no." "Suze, have another dose." "That'll sort you out." "Maybe." "No, Suze, don't do that." "Just..." "Listen, love." "A little tip." "You're on the edge now and you need to pick the right way." "Because one way's heaven and the other..." "Well, probably best not to think about that right now, but it's fuckin' horrible!" "Open up!" "Open up, you bloody arsehole!" "You bloody..." "I can't believe you!" "Please, be quiet, OK?" "Let me out!" "I need a poo!" "Do your business in there if you have to." "God, you're disgusting." "'Oh, God." "'Can I do this?" "If I do this, even if I end up marrying Sophie and we 'live in a detached house in Surrey, and buy a holiday home in Umbria, 'our children will always look up at the face of a man who once" "'crapped in a takeaway bag." "Plus, I'd have to hide it here somewhere 'in my room next to one of my things." "I could throw it out the window." "'No, that's what they want you to do." "That's where society's headed!" "'People shitting in bags and throwing them out of the window at each other." "'I'm not going to be the first!" "Not in my name!" "'" "Jeremy, do you know what?" "I think I might be having a good time." "Yeah, these are the good times, love, after the initial nausea passes, but before the grinding comedown." "Lovely." "Jez, do you remember when we used to have our baths together and you did your Rick from the Young Ones impersonation with the rubber mouse!" "Yeah, that was a good impression." "Maybe I should run us a bath right now." "Why not?" "'Hot diggity dog!" "'" "The pizza man is here!" "Pizza in the bath!" "Soapy Margherita!" " Jeremy!" " Shut up, Mark!" "Honestly." "Give me a pizza the action." "Johnson." "What do you want?" "I wanna see Mark." "He called." "He says he's been falsely imprisoned." "Falsely imprisoned!" "What a drama queen!" "He's not here." "That's bullshit." "What have you done to him?" "Nothing." "Why would I..." "Johnson!" " Mark?" "Johnson!" "Mark!" "For God's sake." "If you're going to be like that about it." "Thank you, Alan!" "Thank you!" "As for you, Jeremy, you bloody shit!" "Oh, I'm sorry." "I'm so sorry, Alan." "Where's the door?" "Are you all right?" "Yep." "I'm fine." "Just, the door fell out and we haven't... so..." "I need to..." "Is that normal pooing you're doing?" "Yep." "Doesn't sound normal." "Doesn't smell normal." "It is, honestly." "This is bollocks, Mark." "You know the credo." "Illness equals weakness." "You're off the team." "Please, Alan." "Where's the fire?" "Oh, my God!" "Stay in that room." "Stay in the nice room." "It's so disgusting, I'm going to be sick." "Don't be sick, you can't be sick." "Let's dance!" "Don't be sick." "Look at the magic eye." "What's all this?" "Jesus!" "Is this what you two are into?" "Is this your thing?" "Sorry, I'm just so sorry." "I'll see you later, Mark." "Much later." "Let's get you out of here." "No, you can't just..." "Hang on, love, wait up." "You had to do it, didn't you?" "You just couldn't let me be happy." "You had to go crying to Daddy just as soon as I locked you in your room for one minute." "You just can't take a joke." "Jeremy, for God's sake." "So, this is my big evening, is it?" "Me, tripping my nuts off, watching you do endless pooing." "If I were you, I'd think about what you've done." "Just have a long, hard think about what you've done." "Paranoia, paranoia Everybody's coming to get me" "Just say you never met me" "I'm running underground with the moles" "Digging in holes..."