"There are days when everything just goes to shit:" "You forget to put gas in your car;" "the skylight you installed a week ago begins to leak;" "you don't know how you'll get your kids to the next away game;" " and then..." " Undefeated, coach!" "...There are days like this and everything feels worth it." "And everything seems possible." "Hi, Ray, it's me." "I hear it went very well with the birthday girl." "I'm proud of you." "Hopefully you're feeling less grumpy and more trustful today." "Anyway, I can meet you and Tanya at 5:00 for updates, if that works for you." "Bye." " Hey hey!" " It's all coming down!" "What?" "What's coming down?" "I've got to quit coaching." " What?" "Why?" " What's the point?" "I've been teaching here 26 years, I don't have a pot to piss in." "I'm 55, I'm single, I'm gonna get fired!" "Hey hey, Mike, the kids, man." "Think about the kids." " The kids don't give a shit." " They do." " They don't." " They do!" "I read my mid-semester evaluations today." "They don't." "Oh man, everybody knows you're not supposed to look at that stuff." "1.3..." "I am rated a 1.3 out of 10." "One kid wrote, "I hate Mr. hunt with a passion that burns like 1,000 suns."" "That's teaching." "Some kids... they're gonna hate earth science no matter what you do." "You know?" "But... you can't quit the team." "We need you." "The kids need you." "No, they don't." " They do." " They don't, Ray." "They got you." "They call you coach, Ray." "They call me Mr. hunt, and sometimes Mr. cunt!" "Hey hey hey!" "Mike, wait." "What do you always say, huh?" " I want to fuck Rhonda barr?" " No." " The other thing." " I don't know, what?" " What do I always say?" " You always say," ""every year is a chance for these kids to make it."" "Right?" " Yeah." " That's what you say." "And you're right." "This is the year." "This is the year." "Come here." "Come here." "I want you to look at yourself and I want you to say," ""today is a great day and I feel wonderful."" "Go on, say it!" ""Today is a great day and I feel wonderful."" "Today is a great day and I feel wonderful." "Hi, frances!" "So I'm all signed up." " Fantastic." " I'm so glad we're doing this." "Oh my gosh, the red cross, it's just a wonderful... it's a wonderful wonderful organization." "I myself, I was involved in a program... poets in schools?" "It's kind of like blood..." "For the soul." "Oh, I'm sorry." "I'm a little bit squeamish... ow ow!" "Motherfucker." "Ow." "Sorry." " Are you all right?" " Yeah, I'm fine." "I'm great." "Yeah, I think I need a cookie." "All right, I think I need my cookie now." "So, frances, about, um, about Richard." "Tanya..." "I appreciate your persistence, but I've decided it's just not for me." "You didn't like what you saw at the mall?" "I just don't think I'm interested." "So frankly, I don't understand why you're here." "I am here..." "I'm here to talk about you." " Can't I just give blood in peace?" " Where's my cookie?" "I'd really love that cookie." "Frances, when was the last time you had a man just take you out to dinner?" "Simple as that... a handsome man sitting across the table?" "Pouring you a glass of wine?" "My husband used to take me to Georgio's by the lake." "Why don't we start with dinner?" "Just see how you feel?" "Maybe that's the end of it." "It's really what you want it to be." "Yeah wait, sorry." "Tanya, we can't get any closer to you, because horny Patty is suffering from post traumatic stress disorder after the kidnapping." "Oh, lenore!" "I resent that." "I was very loving to horny Patty." "You threw her, Tanya!" "Is that how you express your love?" "Come on, lenore, sit down." "How can we have a meeting with you standing over there?" "We're gonna have to meet separately." "So why don't you just get your updates from Tanya... shouldn't take very long... then come over here and I'll give you mine?" "Okay, that's fine by me, lenore." "She thinks I don't have any leads, but guess what." "Are you ready for this?" "I booked moby-dick!" " Okay?" " You did?" " I booked moby-dick." " Wow, that's great." "I booked her and it was beautiful." "You get $500 and all you have to do is probably have dinner with her." "She's a widow, she's lonely." " 500 for dinner?" " Yeah yeah." "Well, and to be nice, to be romantic." "Here, take the money." "And I got you some cologne, okay?" "It... it's... it's... it's called matador." "It tested really well with women over 50." "All you have to do is woo her." " Woo her?" " Yeah, you can do that, Ray." " Woo her?" " Yeah, you know, charm her so she keeps coming back for more." "You can do that." "You're getting better in the whole wooing department in general," "I think." "Then we can be free of lenore forever, all right?" "Put it away." "I don't want her to see the matador." "Okay, I'm..." "I'm done." "It's your turn." "I'm all done." " Great." " Have a good meeting." "Thanks for your input as always." "Hi." "Ahem." "I'm Damon." "I haven't done this in a while..." "if you consider never "a while."" "I'm a student." "I'm a poet..." "I hope." "Um..." "I'm a twin." "And this is "sac."" ""They say you can 'double your pleasure, double your fun"" "with doublemint, doublemint, doublemint gum.'" "I say fun and gum don't rhyme." "They show twins riding bikes and flying kites." "We don't ride bikes or fly kites." "We don't go on hikes or take small bites." "We watch." "We sleep." "They don't show that." "They don't show us." "They sell gum." "We have the same gums." "We have the same teeth, the same hands." "We once shared the same heart." "They don't show that." "They don't have heart." "They don't show your fetus hand on my fetus hand, your fetus feet on my fetus feet." "I can still feel the heat of our amniotic sac." "Private." "Safe." "Wet." "Love." ""Fuck their gum."" "Yes yes, give it up for Damon." "D-rock." "Make sure you stick around for the slam." "Get sconed, people." "Get sconed." "I'm sconed!" "Get sconed." "That went a lot better than I thought it would." "I was thinking I should..." "Maybe I should take out the part about the gum, but I'm not sure." "So what did you think?" "It was embarrassing." "Can we go so we don't miss the bus?" "Wanna get sconed?" "Give me three." "I love you." " You feel good about this?" " Yeah." " Good, I want you to." " I do." "Why did we leave?" "Why did we leave?" "Why did we leave?" "Why did we leave?" "It's because you are a racist!" "Hey hey, throw a ho ho in my mouth." " No." " Come on, do it." "Make it happen." "You're a ho ho racist, huh?" "Will you stop acting so weird, please?" "Stop eating those!" "Why'd you say my poem was embarrassing?" "'Cause you made us sound like freaks." " You didn't like it?" " No." "Are you... do you think you're ovulating?" " Yes, Ronnie." " Perfect." "I just wanna make sure." "Let's just not talk about it right now, okay?" "Okay, I'm sorry." "I just..." "I mean, you're off birth control, right?" " Yes, Ron." " Good, great." "I just..." "You flushed your pills, right?" "You don't still have the pills?" "I still have them." "It doesn't mean I flushed them." " I'm just not taking them." " Okay." "I would feel better if you, um, if you flushed them." "Now?" "I just happened to be looking for the car keys" " and I went into your purse..." " You looked through my purse?" "!" "No." "No no, I wouldn't do that." "It's just if you're holding on to your pills, then I think you still have not decided." "You're unbelievable!" " Honey?" " Darb?" "Clearly you don't trust me!" "I'm trying to have your baby, but that's not enough!" " Jessica!" " I'm gonna flush them, damn it." " I'm gonna fucking flush them." " Honey!" "Today is a great day." "Today is a great day." "Today is a great day." "God damn it." "...And I feel wonderful." "What's up, darb?" "Dad, you have to come and get Damon." " What's wrong?" " He's sick or something." " Where's your mom?" " I can't tell mom!" " I don't want to be born." " Can you stop trying to go through the wall?" "Dad, he's totally freaking out." "You have to come and get him out of here." "Hold hold... hold on." "What happened?" "I don't know!" "We were at that stupid poetry slam and I think someone slipped him something..." "like pot or something." "What?" "How does somebody slip him pot?" " Dad, I don't know!" " Darby." "Put your mother on the phone." "Dad, mom is fighting with Ronnie about a baby, okay?" "And they're both naked." "I'm not going in there." "Can you just come, please!" "?" "Uh, Patty, I need to talk to you about a problem with my hours." " Yeah?" " Well, it says here I work three shifts in a row." "You said you wanted more hours." "Yeah, but, Patty, not three shifts." "Not 24 hours in a row." "This is humanly impossible." "It's not." "This one time I was on a diet pill and I stayed up for 67 hours." "I lost three lbs." "Okay, Patty, I do not want to take speed to stay awake." " That's not the kind of person I am." " It was diet pills, Tanya, not drugs." "I think you know what I want." "Okay, Patty, uh, I am in charge of my merchandise." "And as far as merchandise goes, I'm the boss." "And as the boss, I say you will no longer be sampling my merchandise." "That's right." "I do not negotiate with degenerates." "I'm cutting you off." "Uh... sorry." "Ah ah ah!" "That's him right now." "And I will take great pleasure in informing him that we will no longer be servicing you, horny Patty." "That's right!" "That's what we call you... horny Patty." "Horny Patty." "Hello, Ray?" "R... uh, Richard!" " Tanya, I hate to do this." " I'm an egg, I'm an egg." " But I'm gonna have to cancel frances." " What?" "N-no." " Uh, we can't." " I'm an egg." "That's what I am." " Who is that?" " It's my son." "He's out of his mind on pot scones given to him by your poet friends!" "You understand my problem?" "I just..." "I can't" " do this right now." " I'm an egg." "Uh, n... uh, Ray?" "Uh no, Ray, please!" "This is our chance." "If you stand frances up now, it's over." "Please find someone to help Damon and go over and meet her," " otherwise she won't understand." " Eh." "Yeah, oh, and by the way, horny Patty is no longer your client." "I know." "I knew you'd be thrilled." "That's right!" "That's right." "Yeah, no no, we should go out and celebrate." "Yeah, anywhere you want." "I know." "Okay okay, bye-bye." "So you see how I roll now." "I will not be working three shifts in a row, and I dare you to do anything about it." "Hi." "Gotta run." "Wonderful." "Hang on, just stay here for a second." " Everything okay?" " Damon, just lie down!" " Hey, turn the radio on or something." " What's going on?" " Mike, I need your help." " What's wrong with him?" " I'll get stuck." "I'm stuck!" " Buddy, you're fine." "You're okay." "He's really troubled, Ray." "Mike, I got an important thing I need to do tonight, and I'm wondering if you..." " I can't feel my toes." " ..." "Could pinch hit for me." "Uh, sure, I guess." " Dad..." " I have an appointment with a woman, a very nice lady who... kinda like my sponsor." " She's your sponsor?" " Similar to my sponsor." "She's like..." "like a friend of my sponsor." "Where do you find them, Ray?" "Listen, there are certain women, very normal, friendly women, who pay good money for you to have dinner with them." "And one of these appointments is tonight in, like, 20 minutes and I'm wondering if you could stand in for me?" "You know, because I'm gonna be a little late." "Uh, you just meet them for dinner and..." " She pays." " Like a free dinner?" "Yeah, for dinner and for you to meet with her." "She pays for you to have dinner with her," " plus the cost of the dinner?" " Yes." "So it's like a date?" "Like a date, yes, exactly." "I just need you to keep the seat warm for me, you know?" "I don't want to stand her up and..." "Yeah, you can use a little extra cash, right?" " Sure." " Dad!" "I'm stuck." "Just... in a second!" " Dad, I'm stuck!" " Dame... damester." "Here's the info." "Just..." " Still stuck!" " ..." "Tell her you're a friend of mine." " I had an emergency." " Help help help." "I'm gonna get there soon." "Okay, you got it." "You'll be great." "And wear a suit!" "Wear a suit." "Easy, buddy, easy." "Hold still, come on." "Ray?" "Easy." "You gotta try to fall asleep." " Ray, I came to help." " Don't need your help." "Ray, you have nothing to worry about." "I know how to handle situations like this." "I'm perfectly capable of doing it alone." "I'm not leaving my kid alone with you." "How do you think all this started in the first place?" "What are you talking about?" "This is not my fault." " It ain't mine." " All right, Ray, look, we have plenty of time." "We can sort this out later." "But for right now, you gotta go!" "You gotta go." "You go see frances and I'm gonna stay here, and I've got it all covered." "I'm going to take care of Damon because I'm good in a crisis." "Tanya, you are a crisis." "I am not a crisis." "You are a crisis." "And-and how come you can make it to lenore's clients and not to mine?" "Because lenore doesn't introduce my son to drug dealers," " that's why." " Here we go." "Wow, you're a regular Florence nightingale." "I guess we have to call frances and cancel." "Don't." "I got a sub." "You got a what?" "A man." " Whoa, what are you doing?" " A man." " Where are you going?" "Hold on." " A plan, a man, a plan." " A what?" "Ray, did you say sub?" " A man, a plan, Panama Panama Panama!" "Whoa whoa whoa!" "Stay out of the kitchen!" "A man, a plan, a canal, Panama." " What is it?" " It's a palindrome." "This is exactly what I was afraid of." " Thank you, Jimmy Carter." " He just needs to express himself, you said." "Take him to some poetry readings, you said." "Look at him!" " Thank you, Jimmy Carter..." " He's thanking Jimmy Carter!" "Ray, this is not a reaction to retry." " Thank you, Jimmy Carter." " This is a reaction to pot." "I've seen people on pot, okay?" "I've never seen this." "Ray, he's gonna be fine." "And Jimmy Carter was a great president." " Thank you, Jimmy." " He just needs to breathe." " He's gonna pass out." "He's hyperventilating." " No, he's not, Ray." "He's gonna pass out." "Hey, buddy!" "Just breathe." "You're fine." "You're gonna be fine." "Chew on this." "Just chew, that's right." "See?" "He's breathing." "No, Ray, the paper bag thing, it's for the birds, okay?" "I used to have panic attacks." "It doesn't work." "You breathe into it." "Thank you, Jimmy Carter." " I just don't understand this!" " Just let him stay at dad's tonight." "What happened?" "Why did he go?" "He just wanted to go." " Did you two have a fight?" " No." "Well, something had to happen, darb." "He saw you naked, okay?" "He saw you and Ronnie naked, arguing and he had a meltdown." "Oh boy." "Children should never see parents naked." "What are you talking about?" "You used to drag me into the shower to wash me." " You were always naked." " You were too young to know." " I was 14!" " It's him!" "Your penis haunts him, I'm sure." "It's the snake that swallowed his mother." "Shut up, that's disgusting." "You never come in the house so quiet." "How were we supposed to know you'd be chasing each other around the house?" "We weren't chasing each other!" "Jess, I know you're upset, but Damon just overreacted." "Don't tell me that my son overreacted." "Is that how you're gonna be as a father?" "I saw my mother naked, okay?" "I didn't go off the deep end." "You know, I-I" " I watched my father..." "I walked in and he's masturbating!" "Okay, now that..." "that's disturbing." "T.M.I." "Ron!" "I'm sorry!" "I shouldn't have said that." "Did you write this?" "This is about your sister." "It's beautiful." "Most people are too afraid to say how much they love somebody." "She hates me." " You can have it." " Thank you." "Don't tell my dad." "I won't." "He's asleep." "Listen, I'm gonna stay here and watch him." "Because he's... he's not... he's gonna sleep through the night." "He's fucked up, okay?" " Wait wait wait." "Come here." " All right." "I can't leave him here, Tanya, alone." "I'd be a very bad dad." "Okay, but it's gonna be fine." "Mike's a great guy." "He's not gonna ruin the deal." "Wait..." "Mike?" "Mike's the sub?" "Bald Mike" " who teaches science?" " Yeah, Mike, my third-base coach, yeah." " No!" "Oh no!" "Oh no!" " Shh!" " No no no no!" " Keep your voice down." " Are you kidding me?" "Oh fuck!" " Keep your voice down!" " Oh God." " What was I supposed to do?" "The whole reason we went to the mall was so she could see you." "Oh, Ray, we just..." "we lost." "We-we-we... we lost the white whale." "Listen, Tanya, I know tonight didn't work out the way we'd hoped, but just call her tomorrow." "Okay?" "I'll call her." "All right?" "I'll call her" "I'll get her to give us another shot." "Okay?" "But just for now, please let's call it a night?" "Please?" "Let's call it a very long night." "Okay?" "Yeah, uh, okay." " How much does he know?" " Mike?" " Yeah." " Nothing." "I-I-I don't know." "Oh great." "But I promised him the money." "Oh, this is a fine kettle of fish." "What?" "These expressions you use, it's..." "What?" "It means we're fucked, Ray." " I know what it means, Tanya." " We're fucked." "I guess your friend isn't going to show." " I'm sorry." "He might still be coming." "You seem like a nice enough person." "It's just a little unnerving to expect dinner with one person and then to have it with another." "I had a great time." "I had a lovely lovely time." "I enjoyed our conversation..." "Even though we didn't have much of it." "I'm not very good at this." "I guess that's obvious." "But I still really think that you're terrific." "Frances?" "Can I buy you dinner?" "What?" "I would very much like to buy you dinner." "So what happens is, as the magma, or lava cools, is these elements combine chemically." "They crystallize in geometric patterns to form the eight rock-forming minerals." "Uh, okay, all right." "Read the pages, people!" "68 to 90!" " Hey, Ray." " Mike!" "You know, I tried calling you all weekend, but you weren't there." "I even stopped by your house." "You weren't there." "Yeah yeah, sorry about that." "That's fine." "No, I'm sorry." "I just..." "I couldn't get there, you know?" "Wha... so did, um, everything go okay?" "Yeah yeah." "So how was dinner?" "Fine." "She was nice." "Good." "Um, hey, thanks for filling in." "So there's not anything I should know about or..." "Not really, except..." "I..." "She, uh, wants to see me again, Ray." "She said that?" " Yeah." " Yeah?" "I hope that's okay." "No no, it's fine." "I-I... it's fine." "'Cause I know you were supposed to be there instead of me, but honestly," "Ray, I don't know why a woman like that would need to pay to have someone take her to dinner." "Pffft." "Yeah." "I like her, Ray." " I like her a lot." " Well." "That's... hey, that's super." "That's super news, Mike." "Yeah?" "Thanks thanks." "I gotta get going." "I gotta make photocopies for my next class." "Sure, buddy." "Hey, Ray!" "Ray!" ""Today is a great day and I feel wonderful.""