"Insalata speciale alla Smart." "I prepared for you myself." "Oh, good." "I'm starving." "( tires screech )" "Get the girl." "( screaming )" "Help!" "Help!" "I'm sorry, but this table is occupied." "Help me." "They are taking my mistress." "Well, that will teach you not to fool around." "( screaming )" "( police siren wailing )" "The cops!" " Are you all right?" " Yes, thank you." "What a brave man you are, Mr...." "Smart." "Maxwell Smart." "Maxwell Smart." "It must have been fate that brought you here." "No, it was the salad." "I've got to go." "I must get out of here." "But the police are coming." "They'll want to know what happened." "Can't afford the scandal." "I'll find some way to repay you later." "But what about those men?" "What were they trying to do?" "Probably another kidnap attempt." "Another?" "It happens all the time." "Fascinating." "Fascinating and beautiful." "And very low calorie." "( theme music playing )" "I'm telling you, Chief, this was no ordinary kidnap attempt." "I happened to have recognized one of those hoods as a KAOS man." " What's the man's name?" " I can't remember." " What was the girl's name?" " I didn't get it." "What about the license number of the girl's car?" "I didn't see it." "How about the license of the other car?" "I didn't notice." "Max, what would you do if you were me and an agent gave you answers like" ""I can't remember," "I didn't notice," and "I didn't see it"?" "I don't know." "What's the matter, Chief?" "Another one of your headaches?" "( mumbles )" "Listen, Chief, I'm sure that I can identify one of those attackers." " How?" " Well, look, Chief... the lab has perfected the new Idento-Man." "Oh." "How does it work?" "Well, you see, Chief, the head is a huge electromagnet." "Now you take these various features and you put them on and you get" " a three-dimensional figure." " All right, let's get to it." "Now as soon as we can identify that man, we'll send out a tracer on him." "Then maybe we can find out who the girl is and what KAOS wants with her." "Right, Chief." "Okay, let's see now." "First of all, he had a very kind of... determined chin." "And then... a very cruel mouth... and a mean moustache." "His nose was kind of crooked, Chief." "And then of course he had those bashed-in cauliflower ears." "The thing I saw most was those big beautiful baby-blue eyes." "What about the hair?" "Oh, I didn't see his hair, chief, he was wearing a hat." "Well, try that one." "That's him, Chief." "That's the man I saw." "Now all we have to do is take his picture and run it through the automatic comparison file, and we've got our man." "Well, as soon as we can pin down the identification," "I want you to look for the girl." "Because if he is a KAOS man" "Oh, he is a KAOS man, Chief." "I never forget a face." "And the face you've constructed looks like him?" "I'm positive, Chief." "Then we'll put him on our 101 list-- "Shoot on sight."" "Right, Chief." "Watch out, Chief!" "There he is!" "It's all right, Chief." "It's only the dummy." "Yes, I know." "( playing dance music )" " How am I doing, Little Joe?" " Wild, Tracy, wild." "Now you are doing the Tet." "Whoa whoa." "Hey, gang." "Got a new dance" ""the Leopard." ( snaps )" "( band resumes playing )" "Excuse me, Miss Dunhill." "There are two gentlemen to see you." "I showed them into the library." "Slade, I told you never to set foot in this house." "And what is Caine doing here?" "He's here because I asked him to be here." "He told me about the fake kidnapping attempt this morning, and I don't like it." "You didn't clear it with me." "I'm the head of KAOS in this district." "And I'm the head of the Daughters of KAOS." "A DOK takes command of any district she's in, and I am taking over the killing of Maxwell Smart personally." "Since when have you been interested in Smart?" "Today is one year to the day since Maxwell Smart killed the founder of the United States branch of KAOS" "my father." "It seems only fitting that Smart should die on the anniversary of Daddy's death." "Why didn't you shoot him this morning when you had the opportunity?" "I set up that fake kidnapping attempt to make contact with Smart." "Besides, shooting lacks imagination." "I want thrills, excitement, kicks." "Marvelous." "But when does he die?" "Tonight." "And Smart's weakness is going to set him up for the kill." "We never found out Smart's weakness." "How could you know it?" "He has the same weakness as every other man I've ever met-- me." "( knocks on door )" "Hello there." "I've come to thank you, Maxwell Smart." "Won't you come in?" "How did you find out where I lived?" "I looked you up in the phone book." "Oh, you'd make a good detective, miss..." " Tracy Dunhill." " Tracy Dunhill." "Yes, of course." "Aren't you the one they call "The Madcap Heiress,"" " "The Billion-Dollar Baby"?" " Just call me Tracy, Max." ""Tracy Max." Well, couldn't we just make it "Tracy"?" "See, my name is Max and it could get a little confusing that way." "You're right." "Do you always carry two fur coats?" "Of course." "One is for wearing, the other's for dragging." "Miss Dunhill, I'm not sure if you're aware of this or not, but you're in terrible danger." "You see, I happened to recognize one of the men who tried to kidnap you this afternoon, and he's no run-of-the-mill ordinary kidnapper." "He happens to be a member of KAOS." "KAOS?" "Yes, an international organization of evil." "Ooh, really?" "How exciting." "Exciting?" "Yes, I live for excitement." "And you, Mr. Smart, you look like the kind of man who lives for excitement too." "Well, yes, I guess you could say I'm a man of the world." "Do you like skin-diving..." "Great sport." "...gliding along the ocean floor..." "Marvelous." "...with only a spear gun in your hand..." "Love it." "...surrounded by man-eating sharks?" "That I'm not too crazy about." "Oh, Max, I just know you're my kind of man and I know my friends are going to love you." "Why don't you come to my party tonight?" "Oh, well, that's very nice of you." "I'd like to." "What time?" "Any time." "It's been going on for two months." "Let's say about 10:00 then." "It will seem an eternity till then." "May I say, Mr. Smart, you have fantastic charm?" "May I say, Miss Dunhill, that you have fantastic taste?" "Good night." "Good night, Tracy." "Max, I can't leave." "Why not?" "You're standing on my coat." "Smart will be here at 10:00." "How are you going to kill him?" "Well, that's just what I'm going to work out." "Let's see..." "I want something exotic." "No, something different." "That's it." "Lipstick." "Lipstick?" "Yes." "This has the protective undercoating." "And this is the poison lipstick." "And when I kiss Smart-- get one of the boys in here." "Now." "Who can refuse a Daughter of KAOS?" "Caine, Miss Dunhill wants to see you." "Yes, Miss Dunhill." "Caine, I never thanked you for this morning." "Thank you, Caine." "Quite dead." "Oh, yes." "Any doctor will think he died of a heart attack, but you and I will know that he was a victim of the Kiss of Death." "Get him out of here." "Max, I want you to be especially careful at" "Tracy Dunhill's party." "You've got to find out why KAOS wants her, and that means constant danger." "Oh, I don't know, Chief." "KAOS has its killers, kidnappers and blackmailers, but I don't think they'd crash a party where they weren't invited." "I think they might, Max." "How do you like that, 86?" "Well, to tell you the truth, I'm not too thrilled about it." "Don't tell me you're not thrilled." "Last year, thanks to me, there were six CONTROL men on the list of 10 Best-Dressed Spies." "I never heard of that list." "Of course you haven't." "It's a secret." "Everything I design is a secret." "That's why I am known as Tailor to the Spies." "Well, what about this?" "Look at that." "It looks like it's been rewoven." "Don't touch that." "It's a bullet hole." "I spend weeks making these jackets and you agents go out and get yourself shot." "You have no regard for clothing." "The jacket is just fine." "Okay, the jacket's just fine." "Now where's the secret pocket for my gun?" "Don't tell me." "I'll find it." "I can't find it." "There is no secret pocket." "You see?" "He shouldn't get so emotional about his clothes." "Max, I had Agent 13 shipped into Tracy Dunhill's house." "Shipped?" "We found out she'd ordered some new furniture." "Before it was delivered," "I stationed Agent 13 inside a couch." "Oh, well that will be nice for 13." "Why?" "Well, he's been working hard." "He could use the rest." "Will you stop it?" "Oh, Max." "The lab man asked me to bring you this belt to wear to the party tonight." "Oh, thank you, 99." "It's the latest piece of special equipment." "The buckle contains a miniscule tape recorder." "What?" "Miniscule-- diminutive, microcosmic." "Hmm." "You certainly have a way with words, 99." "Teensy-weensy." "Chief, I don't like this setup at all." "I think we ought to try to crash that party." "But if we attract attention, KAOS is sure to become suspicious." "Trust my feminine intuition, Chief." "Max is walking into a trap." "Now, 99, you don't think just because Miss Dunhill is terribly attractive and fabulously wealthy, that would affect Max's judgment, do you?" "How long would it take you to change?" "You're not as clever as you thought you were, my dear." "It's 10:00." "Smart isn't here yet." "Don't worry." "Smart will be here, and I will be ready for him." "( snaps )" "First the protective undercoating." "Then the poison lipstick." "You're a very attractive woman, Tracy." "Oh, I just adore compliments." "I could kiss you for that." "( laughs ) Naughty." "Smart just came in." "You could take care of him right now." "A kiss hello, and it's goodbye, Smart." "I told you, Slade, I will take care of Smart in my own way at my own time." "Smart dies at exactly the moment that he killed my father" "Midnight." "Hello, Max." "I'm so glad you could come." "I want you to meet some of my guests." "Oh, thank you, Tracy, but I think I'll just look around for a little bit." "Don't forget, your life may still be in danger." "Oh, that's right." "Don't you disappear." "I've got a great surprise for you later." "Good." "I'm looking forward to it." "Good evening." "99, I feel awfully uncomfortable dressed like this." "My glasses are too dark and my cummerbund is too tight." "But, Chief, you'll fit right in with the crowd." "Who are all these strange-looking people?" "A bunch of international parasitic sycophants." "Hey, Max was right." "You do have a way with words." "13?" "Hi there, 88-66." "It's just 86." "Well, I'm seeing double right now." "I'm surprised at you, 13." "You're supposed to be working on a case." "I'm on my second case." "I finished my first case an hour ago." "Well, at least you found a clever place to hide." "Yeah, no, not really." "Half a dozen people have seen me already." "Well, how do you explain yourself?" "I don't have to." "With this jet-set crowd, a guy in the sofa is just normal." "I guess you're right." "Yeah, there's a Swedish actress sleeping in the wall safe." "Listen, 13, do you have anything important to report?" "Oh, you bet I have, 86." "I discovered something that's so important, it's a matter of" "( hiccups ) excuse me." "It's a matter of life and death." "Unfortunately, I don't remember what life or whose death, but..." "Oh, hi there." "Ah, thank you." "Who was that?" "Oh, that was Agent 93." "Since I had to keep surveillance at a party, the Chief was nice enough to let me take along a date." "Well, I'll see you around, 86." "Wait a minute, wait a minute, 13." "Try to remember what you've overheard." "But I" " I-- I know what" "Shh." "Someone's coming." "( 13 grunts )" "Hello, Max." "Having a good time?" "Yes, but I'm waiting for that surprise you promised me." "You won't have long to wait." "Well, I hope it will be worth waiting for." "You will never forget it." "I don't like the looks of that, Chief." "I'm sorry, 99." "I'm new at this kind of dancing." "I'm doing the best that I can." "No, I mean Max and that woman." "( laughing )" "Let's dance over that way." "Okay, but you lead." "Hold it down, everybody." "Quiet!" "( music stops )" "The party's getting dull." "We need something to celebrate." "And we are going to celebrate... the New Year!" "( cheering )" "But the New Year is months away." "The man is right." "That's what we are going to celebrate-- the fact that the New Year is months away!" " ( cheering ) - ( band resumes playing )" "Oh, Max, you know what is so exciting about New Year's?" "Everybody kisses at midnight." "Good." "Then I'll see you at midnight." "You know, 99, this is some party." "I hope Max is all right." " Oh, I'm sure he is." " I don't know, Chief." "I haven't been able to reach him for over an hour." "Every time I tried to, that man started talking to me." "Did you find out who that girl is?" "No, but I'm certain she's a CONTROL agent." "You're playing a very dangerous game, Tracy." "In 30 seconds it will be midnight, and that's when Maxwell Smart gets his kiss." "Come on, 13, try and remember again." "I can't take this party much longer." "The noise is killing me." " That's it!" " What's it?" "That's the thing that I couldn't remember." "You're going to get killed tonight." "Tonight?" "But it's almost midnight." "Midnight?" "Well, look, if I don't see you again, happy New Year!" "Tracy:" "Happy New Year!" "Happy New Year!" "Max, Max, over here!" "Tracy, how about a kiss?" "Happy New Year!" "No!" "( gagging )" "Max... happy New Year." "Happy New Year." "( gagging, gasping )" "I did it." "I killed Maxwell Smart, and exactly at midnight, just as I said I would." "My apologies." "You are a true Daughter of KAOS." "And that's the end of Maxwell Smart." "No, that's the end of Tracy Dunhill." "I have your confession right here in my teensy-weensy tape recorder." "You're supposed to be dead." "Yes, I know, but when Agent 13 told me that I was gonna be killed tonight, and when I saw you kiss that man outside, I put two and two together." "But I was wearing poison lipstick when I kissed you." "What saved you?" "Plastic lips." "Thanks to the boys in the lab, I can kiss and tell." "Good morning, Chief." "Morning, 99." "Chief:" "Good morning." "Well, Chief, I checked with the legal department." "And Tracy Dunhill is going to prison for a long long time." " I should think so." " Yes, they got her on two charges of manslaughter and one of kissing with a deadly weapon." "Congratulations, Max." "You did a fine job in gathering evidence against Tracy Dunhill." "And loving it." "Oh, come on now, 99." "You don't really believe" "I liked her and her phony friends." "Funny you should mention that." "What are you talking about?" "I have your teensy-weensy tape recorder." "Max on tape:" "Hello there." "What's your name?" "Woman on tape:" "My name is Ivana, and I'm a ballerina." "Max on tape:" "And I'm Maxwell Smart, eccentric millionaire and patron of the arts." "It so happens she was 60 years old." "Would you believe 35 and ugly?" "Max on tape:" "But how could mam'selle get so pretty in just 19 years?" "All right, Max." "You two settle your differences outside." "I've got work to do." "99, if you would just let me explain." "Go ahead, Max, I'm listening." "( theme music playing )"