"That's highway department's problem, not mine." "I'm gonna have to call you back." "Alright, what are you three doing here?" "Aren't you supposed to be in school?" "Yeah, well we came to see that UFO you cleared from that field this morning." "You mean the weather balloon?" "They got to him." "Who got to me, Dennis?" "The secret government agency in charge of extra-terrestrial cover-ups." "How much are they paying you?" "All right, that's enough, guys." "Back to school now." "Do you think this is a game, Mr. Spencer?" "I assure you, it's not." "Inside that grounded cassiopeian death pod sits an army of glornokian mercenaries intent on colonizing our planet and propagating their evil species." "After they probe us." "We should go." "He's packing." "Yeah." "There are no such things as UFOs, Shawn." "So the plaintiff is entitled to compensatory and punitive damages, per article 35-a, section "J,"" "which stip... which, uh..." "[loud mechanized humming]" "[Violent shaking]" "[Loud, deep hum]" "Oh, Jesus!" "Toby!" "Hey, Roy." "Are you... are you okay?" "Just came by to drop off the Patterson file..." "And some refills." "Oh, yeah, right." "Um, listen, did you notice any commotion a moment ago?" "No." "No." "What kind of commotion are we talking about?" "Toby." "Toby!" "Toby, where are you going?" "Toby, no!" "Aren't you forgetting something?" " No." " Hey!" "Hey!" "Chief said we were supposed to let him drive around with us, get to know our process." "We are not currently driving." "You need to stop taking your frustration with Shawn out on Henry." "Better him than the neighbor's cat." "Ow." "I..." "I could have suffocated in there!" "Jeez, I cracked the window." " I'm glad that Shawn peanut-buttered your phone the other day." "I knew that was him." " Guys!" " I still have jif in my ear." "Mr. Kessler, I am Detective O'Hara, and this is Detective Lassiter, and this is Henry Spencer, who helps us coordinate our investigations." "So, sir, I understand you witnessed a kidnapping last night." "I'd say it was more of an abduction." "Do you have any idea who the perpetrator was?" "Yes!" "An extraterrestrial." "How come the crazies never live close by?" "Listen, I know it sounds nuts, but I'm telling you, I saw it with my own eyes." "An alien came down and snatched a young lawyer that works at my firm..." "Toby Shore." "Mr. Kessler, no offense, but I think you're gonna have a hard time finding anyone to believe a story like that." "Was he tall and scaly, or short, with a huge lollipop head?" "Tall, I think." " Reptilian." " Probably hostile." "All right, people, we're gonna need a speak  spell and seven pounds of mashed potatoes." "Enough!" "Mr. Kessler, if your co-worker doesn't show up in the next eight hours, feel free to file a missing persons report." "Until then, stop wasting our time." "You owe me a new phone!" "You have a very nice home." "This UFO, was it more like a bright sphere, or two soup bowls glued together?" "No, it was a sphere, definitely." "What are you guys?" "Are you UFO chasers?" "Nothing as ridiculous as that." "We're psychic detectives." "And we can help you get to the bottom of what happened last night." "Ah, fantastic." "You're hired." "Shawn!" "May I have a word?" "Excuse us." "I..." "I really don't think you should take this case." "Well, I don't think you should be dropping the dime on my peanut butter pranks." "Look, we all know there's 0% chance that you don't end up believing this kook." "How do you figure that?" "Because you want to believe him, Shawn." "Just like you wanted to believe it wasn't a weather balloon when you were a kid, and you wanted to believe that it was aliens that abducted Joe Piscopo." "That remains my theory until someone can pinpoint the man's whereabouts." "Don't worry, Mr. Spencer, I promise you we will not let our interest in UFOs affect our judgment." "Good. 'Cause you run around town telling everybody that an alien did this, you're gonna look like a couple of nut jobs." "Shawn, I can't hire nut jobs." "Dad, would you relax, please?" "Obviously we don't think aliens are responsible." "Good." "[horn honks]" "Hold your horses!" "Because if aliens did do this, there'd be signs of electrical disruptions." "[Chuckles] Exactly!" "What else would we see, Gus?" "Well, there would most definitely be a visible ground disturbance." "Right." "So where do you guys want to start?" "How 'bout your terrace?" "Whoa." "All those people who gave you, Dennis, and I flak for believing in aliens in school..." "Jeff Garrett, and that female Russian exchange student who stole my wallet... they're gonna eat their words when this goes public." "I've got news, Gus." "Toby Shore was not abducted by an alien." "What?" "But what about the lights and grass and stuff?" "It's time we learned it's never the crazy suspect." "It wasn't a mummy." "It wasn't the devil." "It wasn't even bigfoot." "Bigfoot?" "When did we suspect bigfoot?" "Missing school bus case." "Remember, there were bite marks in cushion." "The driver's seat was pushed back six feet." "Okay, okay, you're probably right that it's not an alien, but why don't we keep investigating just to be sure." "Because my dad actually makes a valid point." "It's gonna be hard to get any objective work done when we're both secretly hoping that it's an alien." "So we can rub it in Jeff Garrett's face." "No, Gus, we have to let that go." "So what are you saying, that we pass on the case?" "No." "Your $1,200 balance on your J.C. Penny card is not gonna pay for itself." "We'll just have to acknowledge our mutual tendency to think unreasonably about this topic, police ourselves accordingly." " How?" " All right..." "If one of us starts leaning towards the alien theory, other one gets to flick him in the ear." "That's an incredibly stupid idea." "You have exactly three seconds to beat it." "Three, two, one..." "pbbbt!" "Now, how is that fair?" "Now, let's find out what, if anything, happened here last night." "Roy?" "May I call you Phil?" "I'd rather you didn't." "Fair enough." "How many beers did you have last night?" "Just one." "Aw, come on, what..." "Are you implying that I beer-goggled an alien abduction?" "Happened to Gus last New Years." "I hit the white zin hard." "I promise you, I was sober as a judge." "Let me ask you this." "If Toby wasn't abducted last night, what happened to him?" "Maybe he left when you weren't looking." "His car's still in the driveway." "And listen to this." "When I went out to move it this morning, it wouldn't start." "The car's brand-new!" " Really?" "You know, cars often lose battery power when they come in contact with UFOs... ow!" "Thank you." "Have you tried calling him?" "Yeah." "About 50 times." "Just goes straight to voice mail." "Maybe he's out of range." "Aah!" "What the hell was that for?" "You were implying he's in space." " No, I wasn't." " Yes, you were." "Where are you going?" "Mr. Kessler, maybe we should talk to your neighbors to see if they saw anything." "Good luck with that." "The nearest one's about half a mile away." "Listen, you gotta believe me." "I was just sitting at the desk last night, and the whole house started to shake." "And then there were these lights, and then this..." "I was hearing this weird sound." "It sounded like... [a la close encounters...] # zong..." "Shong..." "Bong... # # naa... #" "No, it sounded nothing like that." "Oh, really." "Sorry." "I was actually trying to make this sound." "[Noises from night before]" "That's it!" "That's it!" "That's the sound." "You weren't even close." "You know I struggle with tone deafness." "Why would you..." "now do you believe me?" "Before we answer that question, we'll need to consult an expert." "Hi, we're looking for Dennis Gogolack." "Shawn?" "Gus?" " Dennis?" " No." "Get the hell out of here." "I don't believe it!" "What an awesome surprise!" "What are you guys doing?" "It's been forever!" "Wow, we didn't even recognize you, now that you're..." " What, not fat and nerdy?" " Well..." "It's okay." "It's the truth." "I credit my personal trainer and lasiks." "Losing the wizard's cloak also helped." "Come on, get inside here!" "Wow." "That's interesting." "Yeah, my wife's into stuff that dangles." "Looks like the software business has been good to you, Dennis." "[Footsteps on stairs]" "Very good." "Oh, hey, guys." "I'm Dennis' wife, Molly." "That was the creepiest "very" that I've ever heard." " Hey." " Hi." "Babe, this is Shawn and Gus." "Two good friends of mine from back in grade school." "And now they're psychic detectives." "How cool is that?" "Really cool." "Nice meeting you guys." "Why didn't you tell me that we were having friends over, Denny?" "Actually, we didn't give Denny much of a heads up." "Here's the thing..." "We're investigating a case that may have involved an alien abduction!" "And being that your husband is one of the foremost experts on the topic..." "[Nervous laughter]" "I'm..." "I'm sorry, guys, I'm afraid" "I'm not much of an expert anymore." "Pbbbt!" "It's been 20 years since I was into that stuff." "Oh, well, that's..." "same here, bro, I mean..." "Beer." "Yeah, Denny is a total jock." "Guilty." "I'm guilty as charged." " Wow." " They did, like, a little.." " Explosion." " Yeah." "But hey, you guys don't have to take off yet." "We've got some catching up to do." "Actually, we're under a bit of a time crunch." "No, no, no, let me just give you a quick tour of the place." "Denny, I was actually gonna go hang with the girls, though." "Is that okay?" "Yeah." "Okay." "Nice meeting you guys." " Very nice." " Stop it." "Come on." "Come check out my office!" "All right." "I gotta say, Dennis, I'm surprised that you, of all people, outgrew the whole nerd thing." "I mean, come on, you were a class-three dungeon master with your own set of custom 12-sided dice." "[Door shuts]" "Let's go." "What..." "Oh, my..." "You are a closet nerd!" "Literally." "Dude!" "What?" "You have a replica of Captain Adama's helmet from the original Battlestar Galactica?" "And Levar Burton's glasses from Star Trek?" "Those aren't replicas, gentlemen." "I got those for 15 grand a pop at auction." "I have never been so motivated to make money." "Wait till I show you where the magic happens." "And I mean that literally." "There's another hidden room downstairs where I practice my magic tricks." "Why all the secrecy?" "Well, look, when I first met Molly, it was clear she was only into guys' guys." "So, you know, that's what I pretended to be." "She ended up buying it." "I guess I've been pretending ever since." "Sounds exhausting." "You have no idea." "Every day is a new challenge." "Whether it's trying to draw blanks during jeopardy, or having to sneak in here every time I want to track some UFO activity or sew a new renaissance faire costume." "Excellent stitch work, my liege." "Thanks, Gus." "The worst is when I'm around Molly's friends' husbands." "To say inane stuff, like "beer me,"" "or, "yeah, I'd totally hit that."" "What, exactly, am I hitting?" "Most likely an attractive lady." "Okay, that's horrible." "Is it really worth it, Den?" "Have you seen my wife?" "Listen, Dennis, we need your opinion on this recording." "Gus is convinced it's a UFO." "Let's hear it." "[Same recording as earlier]" "Based on my research," "I'd say that's a voyager pod from the serpens dwarf galaxy..." "Or..." "Bad new age music." "But if you had to choose?" "Wait a second." "Wait a second." "Wait a second." "If you guys could give me the time and location," "I could check the sky activity." "I hacked into the national weather service's computer a few years back, and can pretty much access their radar database whenever I want." "All right." "Well, he lives at 25 buckskin drive." "And it happened around 11:00 at night." "Nothing." "Well, what do you know." "Wait a minute." "You better try 10:44, just to be safe." "You've gotta be kidding me." "W-what is... what is..." "what is that?" "Uh, Den..." " [wheezing]" " Dennis..." "You all right there, buddy?" "[Inhales]" "She doesn't even know that you're asthmatic?" "No." "And she never will." "[Sighs]" "All right, Gus," "I can't believe I'm about to say this." "What?" "I think Toby got abducted." " So do I." " You do?" " Yes." " Sweet." "Why are we both covering our ears, then?" "I don't know." "Whoa, whoa, whoa." "Tell me you're not calling Jeff Garrett." "No, Roy." "He needs to know that we believe him." "All right, but make sure you tell him to keep it on the qt." " I know." " All right." "I'm standing here just outside the home of prominent local attorney Roy Kessler, who's joined me now, and has a rather shocking announcement to make." "Mr. Kessler." "Well, last night I witnessed aliens abduct a fellow co-worker." "People are gonna think he's nuts." "And I can prove it, thanks to the fine investigative work being done by psychic detectives Shawn Spencer and..." "Gurton Buster." " Gurton what?" " Oh, my God," "I look like K.D. Lang." "[Telephone rings]" "What kind of proof are we talking about?" "Well, I know, I know." "It does sound shocking..." "Yes, dad, we'll be right there." "Before you go off on us, answer me this question." "Do you think that picture of me on the news makes me look like I should be singing constant craving?" "Shawn, what'd I tell you about taking this case?" "Mr. Spencer, we have hard evidence on this one." "Not to mention the fact that Roy Kessler is a respected attorney, not some crazy conspiracy theorist." "Are you kidding?" "That's exactly what he is!" "Shawn, have you ever heard of Budding Textiles?" "That's the company that had to fork out millions for the chemical spill." " Uh-huh." "It got hundreds of people sick." "And you know who thinks it was done on purpose?" " Erin Brokovich." " Roy Kessler." "He's preparing a lawsuit against them." "We didn't know that." "Yeah, I suppose you also didn't know he's being heavily medicated for anxiety." "He misses a dose, and he's prone to psychotic episodes." "Last year, he claims to have seen a panda in his company's kitchen." "That's not crazy at all." "Pandas are big eaters." "Ten years ago, Kessler claimed... you got it... he saw a UFO while on vacation." "Saucer or sphere?" "You know, you two wouldn't have missed this kind of stuff if you hadn't been so blinded by your childish interests, okay, first of all, the only thing we were blinded by is..." "Science!" " That never gets old" " Nope." "Tell me this..." "if Toby wasn't abducted, where the hell is he?" "Right in there." "...Morning." " This morning." " He really kind of..." "He took a cab to his parents' house that night after his car wouldn't start." "Turned off his phone, and he slept in." "[Sighs]" "Nice going, man." " Ow!" " Ow!" " Ow!" " Ow!" "Unh..." "Stop!" "I remember him muttering all this stuff about lights and ships." "I thought it was just Roy being Roy." "And then I turned on the tv today and heard his insane theory." " I wouldn't call it insane." " Would you let it go?" "I tried everything I could to get him to take his meds." "I would even pick them up at the pharmacy for him and bring them to him directly." "Man, he's gonna hear it at the office on Monday." "Actually, your firm just suspended him until he completes a month's stay in a mental health facility." "Wow." "Who's gonna get all his cases?" "We're available." "Isn't that right, Mr. Spencer?" "Gus here is a whiz at legal zoom, and my cousin has a personal injury law firm called Accidentes." "Heard of it?" " No, I haven't." " You will." "You will." "Good work, people." "Papa bear." "[Laughing]" "You know what, Gus, I really don't appreciate being snickered at." "Never again are we investigating something related to one of our childhood obsessions." "What if there's a pop rocks murder?" "That is the exception." "Excuse me, Spencer." "Quick question." "How does it feel to be so wrong that you are now..." "A walking joke?" "Just like you, minus the kind boots and the soft eyes." "Ha!" "Wow, this is really a big moment for me." "I may even do a little dance." "Oh, yes, I will." "# No, he doesn't care #" "All right, that's it, Gus." "We are gonna find out what really happened, and we are gonna clear our good names." "Let me ask you something." "If you were an up and comer at a law firm, and you were abducted by aliens..." "Because that happens." "Would you tell anyone?" "I know I wouldn't, because they would think I was nuts." "Like I do right now." "That dude was not abducted, Gus." "Okay, well, you have three seconds to come up with a better theory to explain all this weirdness." " All right." " Three, two, one..." "Bzzzz!" "That's my trick." "How do you explain the radar, the recording, the indentation on the lawn?" "Let me tell you." "It was a plane on the radar." "Someone cranking yanni on the recorder." "And the indentation could have been a million things." "Shawn, how do you explain the three strange markings on Toby's arm?" "You saw those?" "Of course I did." "And I didn't have to do this." "Are you mocking my "it's a clue" face?" " Yep." " Do it again." "I don't look like that." "Yes, you do." "You're a bastard." "Shawn, you know that abductees often have strange markings on their skin." "So do I when I don't use enough sunscreen..." "now come here." "Stand still and let me flick your ear." "He was abducted, Shawn." " Was not." " Yes, he was." " No, he wasn't." " Yes, he was." " Was not." "Wasn't." " Yes, he was." "Wasn't infinity!" "If you're gonna act like a child about this, then we're gonna have to bring in a third party to settle this disagreement." "Fine." "Who?" "He was definitely abducted." "The markings combined with the other details have me convinced." "Why would I tag in a guy with a custom-made ewok costume?" "Hey, what's the name of that law firm he works at?" "Uh, Wilcox, Kessler, and something." "Hold on." "What are you doing?" "Getting his work address so you can spy on this guy." "Look, fellas, you have to see if he's exhibiting the other telltale abduction signs." "You know this." "Paranoia!" "The compulsion to travel to unknown areas." "Suicidal tendencies." "Spewing nonsense with authority." "Oh, wait, that's you guys." "You mock, but I'm still waiting on a better theory from you." "All right." "It was Toby." "Why did he just tilt his head and squint?" "It's his "I got a clue" face." "Think about it, "Gust."" "Toby knew he stood to inherit all of Roy's cases if he could just get him out of the way." "So he arranged for him to have one of his psychotic episodes." "How?" "I would even pick the meds up from the pharmacy and bring them to him directly." "By tampering with his meds." "And you know what, it worked like a charm." "Roy goes nuts." "The next day," "Toby's a major player at the firm." "Let's go." "Where are we going?" "Well, we're gonna take Dennis' advice, do a little spying on our boy." "What can I do?" "You could lend us some sweet disguises." "Fellas, just tell me what you need." "I have never felt cooler." "You've never looked cooler." "Dennis is gonna have to pry this helmet of my cold, dead noggin." "There's Toby." "Dude, he's sweating and shaking." "Have you been seeing clues this whole time?" "Paranoia is one of the telltale signs of an abduction." "It's also the sign of a guy with a guilty conscience." "Stop saying stupid things." "You're a disgrace to those glasses." "He's bolting, Gus!" "He's wandering to unknown areas." "This helmet is not made for running!" "I should have borrowed Charlton Heston's scarf from Soylent Green." "I can't see out these glasses, Shawn." "Where'd he go?" "Where'd he go?" "We lost him." "Son of a..." "[Cell phone rings]" "Hello?" "Is this Shawn Spencer?" "Toby?" "You gotta help me." "They're following me." "Whoa, whoa." "Calm down, man." "Who's..." "who's following you?" "I don't know." "I think it's the black dude from Star Trek and some white guy in a ridiculous helmet." "Which is your opinion." "Where are you?" "Listen to me." "Roy Kessler was telling the truth." "I told you, i told you, i told you." "Okay..." "You need to come meet us." "I can't." "It's too dangerous." "Uh, meet me in an hour in front of the Lansdowne Hotel." "Lansdowne." "Got it." "Dude, did you just break Dennis' helmet?" "Well, it clearly wasn't made for running, Gus." "You..." "Was that scarf worth going back to Dennis'?" "Is Soylent Green people?" "Now let's go get this confession out of Toby." "You mean admission that he was abducted." " Let's start with the non-batcrap angle, shall we?" "Shawn, you heard him say Kessler was telling the truth." "Gus, you're really putting me in a tough spot here, man." "You don't think I want to be the guy riffing on how aliens abducted Toby, and what they did to him when they brought him on board the mother ship?" "They probed him and placed an embryo in his stomach that's gonna hatch out his eardrum in 12 days." "I can't do it!" "Someone has to hold the sanity bag in this partnership, and quite frankly," "I miss the days when it used to be you." "Shawn, he's exhibiting all the telltale signs." "Paranoia, check!" "Nervousness, check!" "Suicidal tendencies." "Check." "Hey, Jules." "What's the word?" "Well, we just found out that Toby wired all of the money from his bank account, about 500 grand, to a charity an hour before his death." "We haven't found a note yet, but it's looking like suicide." "I don't know about that." "Don't you think it's strange that a junior lawyer has that kind of account balance?" "Not to mention the fact he was Roy Kessler's former co-worker." "Ooh, no, my senses are telling me there is definitely more to this." " Much more." " Settle." "Let me guess." "You think the Loch Ness monster did it." "All right, what are you two doing here?" "Came to get going on the Toby Shore case." "Why?" "You're not being hired on it." "Surely you're can't be serious." "Shawn, I warned you." "I can't stick my neck out for two guys who are currently viewed as the village idiots." "Village idiots?" "Who here thinks that?" "Dirty Larry!" "Jules." "Sorry." "Look, Gus and I might be a lot of things." "Handsome..." " Chiseled." " Intelligent." " Urbane." " Whatever that means." "But we are not idiots!" "Oh, I'm sor..." "I'm sorry, guys." "My bad." "That's all me." "But come on." "Who needs a fan this big?" "Seriously." " Leave now!" " Fine." " Fine." "We're out." " All right..." "Smooth move!" "Come on, man, give a brother some credit." "Let's see what we got here." "Nada." "Recipe for Juliet's weird cleanse." "Preliminary coroner's report." "What does it say?" "Apparently they found a strange object in Toby's..." "Stomach." "Embryo." "Come on." "Woodrow!" "Hey, boys." "You have got to try these French fries." "They're killer." " We ate, thanks." " For the last time." "We need to talk to you about the autopsy you did on Toby Shore." "What about it?" "Come on, buddy, we know you're hiding something." "Fine." "I stole his watch." "You did what?" "Hmm?" "Nothing." "Hey, how 'bout some fried clams?" "We want to know what you found in his stomach." "I cannot tell you that." "I will get in trouble." "Really?" "More or less trouble than you'd get in for looting corpses?" "The object was a flash drive." "Now, when you say flash drive, is that coroner code for an alien embryo that hatches in people's ear?" "No, that's the word "starfish."" "This was a legitimate four gigabyte flash drive." "There were..." "I take notes..." "Abrasions on his lungs, which implied he swallowed it moments before his death." "Interesting." "What about the markings on his left arm?" "That was a birth mark." "Ha!" "Where is this flash drive now?" "I believe it's with Detective Lassiter." "Great." "Thanks, Woody." "You stay creepy." "You know I will." "You know, Spencer, the minute you refused to hire that smarmy, fortune-telling kid of yours, you officially made it off my crap list." "Here." "See?" "You actually have a crap list?" "I like to keep track of people who've wronged me over the years." "You know, people like your son, my mother..." "Olympia freakin' Dukakis!" "You disturb me." "Do I?" "Welcome back, Henry." "But I've gotta say it is really nice to finally be able to do some real police work without worrying about your son interfering." "What the hell?" "Can I get somebody from I.T. over here?" "Dobson, come help me out!" "I'm not sure how comfortable I am hacking a police computer." "Relax, it's his personal one." "Which reminds me... check the Internet search history." "All right." "Let's see." "And..." "That's gross." "That man needs Jesus." "Let's see what's on that flash drive, shall we?" "Yeah." "[Clears throat]" "Sorry, Gus, doesn't look like a blueprint for an alien fertility lab." "Shocker!" "It's just a bunch of legal documents related to Budding Textiles." "That's that insane case Kessler was working on." "He believed the Budding chemical spill was done on purpose." "[Chuckles] That is crazy." "I've got something." "Both:" "We know." "Damn, I've really gotta stop doing that." "Denny, where are you?" "Quick, we gotta get out of here!" "Go, go, go, go!" "Denny?" "Denny?" "One minute, babe." " Denny?" " Aah..." "Waaaa!" "Hey, guys, what's going on in here?" "Uh, you know, guy stuff." "Steak." "Denny, you can't host a football party from inside your office." "Come on, Taylor just got a safety!" "Sweet!" "I'll be right there, babe." "Okay." "Bye, Molly." " What's a safety?" " Really?" "Look, Dennis, why don't you blow off this party and come with Gus and I?" " Where are we going?" " Yeah, where are we going?" "I'm not entirely sure, but I know it involves a small town and some potential danger." "Oh, wow, that sounds cool." " How much danger?" " But I can't, man." "Molly would kill me!" "Dennis, you're never gonna know what it feels like to be a normal guy as long as you're pretending to be something that you're not." "Trust me, he knows." "Come on." "It's time for you to get out there and experience some real-life, non-virtual adventure." "He's right." "It's time to come out of the nerd closet." "I'm sorry, guys, I just can't." "I really like having sex with my wife." "Don't say it." "What's wrong with you, man?" "Now is the point where you tell me what the hell we're doing here." "Guess who's now the proud owner of this home..." "Along with the 700 similar ones that make up this tiny town." "Shawn, if you say "us,"" "I'm gonna punch you in the face." "Budding Textiles." "It's the last one they purchased." "Why would Budding want a bunch of crappy houses on poisoned land?" "Here's a better question... what is the world's coolest truck doing here?" "It looks like a Decepticon." "It's not a Decepticon, Gus." "It was made in Fresno." "Whatever it is, I highly suggest we do not touch it." "[Truck engine starts]" "Shawn!" "Gus, the keys were already in the ignition." "What was I supposed to do?" "Not start it." " It's not that easy." " Actually, it is." "All right, you know, when Toby said that Roy Kessler was telling the truth, he didn't mean an abduction." "He meant the lawsuit against Budding." "That makes no sense, Shawn." "Why would they intentionally spill chemicals?" " To get people to leave." " What?" "In all the ridiculous science classes you've taken over the years, did you ever learn about hydrocarbons?" "Of course I did." "The organic compounds found mainly in crude oil." "If there's a high percentage of them in the soil, does that mean that there's oil underneath?" "Not necessarily." "You'd have to check using a machine that sends sonic vibrations into the earth..." "[Loud rumbling and banging]" "I think we're in one of those machines!" "Why must you always touch stuff, Shawn?" "It stopped shaking, Shawn." "Oh." "Gus, I feel like a bobblehead." " You look like an idiot." " Come on, try it." " I'm not doing that." " Get in on the bit." " I don't want to." " It's fun!" " Fine." " Dude, you look ridiculous." "But think about it." "It all makes sense." "Budding figured out that this town is sitting on a gold mine." "So what does he do?" "He orchestrates a chemical spill to drive everyone away." "That way he wouldn't have to share any of the profits." "Exactly." "Which, I imagine, dwarfs the cost of lawsuits and land purchases." "And Kessler was onto all of this." " Which sort of freaks me out." " Why?" "Because it makes me wonder what else he was telling the truth about." "[Loud whirring]" "Aah!" "Aaaaaah!" "Aah!" "Aa..." "I don't want to get probed, Gus!" "What are you worried about?" "You're the one who's less exotic!" "Wha... [both grunting]" "Aah!" "Aah!" "Get in here!" "Aah!" "Aah!" "Oh..." "Oh..." "Oh..." "Aah!" "Well, boys..." "Start talking." "About what, exactly?" "How 'bout a story?" "Would you like to hear a story?" "Please." "I always enjoy a good one." "All right." "Once upon a time there was this greedy CEO." "Think, what, Stephen Lang?" ""Esque."" "Anyway, he wanted to kill this lawyer, because the lawyer was on the verge of ruining his evil master plan." "But he couldn't, because the lawyer had prepared a legitimate case against him." "Hot start." "Please continue." "He figured out that if he could make the lawyer look wacko, the case would be dismissed as some nutty conspiracy theory." "But how?" "And ten years ago," "Kessler claimed to have seen, you got it, a UFO!" "Light bulb." "He would convince the lawyer he'd witnessed an abduction." "See, he already had this fancy copter, so all he had to do was add some extra lighting, pump some Enya b-sides through the sound system, and then figure out how to trip the electricity." "He most likely used an EMP device." "What is that, a pregnancy test?" " No." " Doesn't make any sense, Gus." "Would you just let me tell the story?" "EMT, not EPT." "It produces an electrical pulse." "Okay, you know what, there's a fine line between being knowledgeable and arrogant." "Enough!" "I'm on the edge of my seat here." "Right." "Well, it all worked like a charm, with one exception." "See, the young lawyer that he paid 500 Gs to to set up this guy, had a change of heart once he came across the dismissed-case file." "But it was still just a minor mishap for our CEO because he is a problem solver." "[Thud]" " I like his style." " Yeah." "And he was in the clear until he came across two young go-getters, and they were onto everything." "Who he then proceeded to let go because they promised not to tell a soul." "Swore." "They swore." "Because that's stronger than a promise." "[Scoffs]" "[Laughs]" " That's not gonna happen." " It's not?" "And to think I only picked you up for trespassing." " Whoops." " Take 'em out back." "[Whispering] Don't worry, I texted my dad." "The cops will be here any minute." "No..." "No!" "[knock on door]" "[Knock on door] Who is it?" "Messenger service." "Hey." "I have a delivery for you to sign." " Dennis?" " What's he doing here?" " I don't know." " Let's see some I.D." "Yeah, yeah." "Sure." " Hyah!" " Whoa!" "[A la Bruce Lee] Oh..." "Ooooh!" "Holy..." "And he spent the rest of his miserable life in jail." "The end." "My lip!" "Dude, how'd you find us?" "I cloned Shawn's cell phone earlier." "I think I did some real damage to my pre-molars." "It's okay, Dennis." "You looked like a badass until you clocked yourself in the face." "You needed this, man!" " Ooh..." " Hands in the air!" "You, hands in the air!" "Put those down!" "Put 'em down!" "No, Lassie, don't do it!" "No, wait!" "Not him!" "[Electricity crackling]" "He didn't need that." " Yeah, I see it now." " Right?" "I look like I just finished a set at lilith fair." "Mm." "Hey, Lassie..." "All right." "All right, let me have it." "No, I have better things to do with my time than gloat about being a hero." "And the fact that you unnecessarily caused one of our friends to whiz himself." " Mm-hmm." "I'm actually here for some police advice." "Really?" "No, it's boogie time." "Oh..." "Is there ever a high road between you guys?" "Shawn, Gus!" "Jerks." "Well, well, well, if it isn't "ignore your son's urgent text" man." "It's a good thing you told Juliet, and that she took it seriously." "Well, I thought you guys were still goofing around." "Your credibility hasn't been too high of late." "That's no excuse." "You can make it up to us by approving these expenses." "What?" "$7,000 in dental work for Dennis Gogolack?" "And a new pair of underpants." "22 packs of razzles?" "Season tickets to the Los Angeles Sparks of the WNBA?" "Are you guys serious about this stuff?" " As a Rebecca Lobo set shot." " Glass!" "All right, look, I'll think about it." "In the meantime, chief Vick wants you take a look at this counterfeit thing." "Both:" "Oh, look at that!" "Now you want us." "Well, guess what." "It's gonna cost you." "How much?" " Two grand." " 1,500." "Sorry, heroes don't work for less than two large." "Fine." "Sweet." "Now can we see you make it official?" "Yeah, just put it right in the old, uh, bibbity-bobbity." " Mm-hmm." "What?" "Thanks, dad." "We'll start tomorrow." "Tomorrow?" "Why not right now?" "Because we've got to visit some friends." "Oh, my God, Shawn, you look like Billie Jean King." " Detonate the pillar of Attu!" " I know how to play!" "Guys, I've gotta say, I can't thank you enough for clearing my good name." "I don't know how I'll ever repay you." "We do have a coroner buddy who's in some pretty hot water over a stolen watch." " Consider him represented." " Thanks, Roy." "I must say, this whole experience has taught me a really important lesson when it comes to some of the crazy stuff that I often see." "That there's an explanation for everything?" "No, it's that the eyes never lie." "Did I tell you guys I once saw bigfoot?" "What?" "Oh, you think I'm nuts, don't you?" "Male or female?" " Was he driving a school bus?" " No..." "Babe..." "Hey." "Where am I standing right now?" "Denny..." "What's going on?" "You know, it's dudes being dudes." "Cigars." "So listen..." "There's something I need to tell you." "I'm not actually a jock." "I'm a giant nerd." "I don't know what to say." "Are you angry?" "No, I'm pissed." "Do you know that I've seen every single episode of the original Battlestar Galactica, like, 50 times?" "I never told you 'cause I thought you'd look down on that stuff." "You've gotta be kidding." "No." "What do you think I was watching while you went away on that business conference last weekend?" "I wasn't at a business conf..." "I was at Comicon!" "No way." "I wanted to go to that!" " I love you." " Aw ..." "I love you." "She just got even hotter." "What?"