"All right." "All set?" "Right." "Yes, sir." "Now you know what you're looking for." "Avoid the patrols." "In exactly 13 minutes, you'll rendezvous with a guide from the underground." "Her name is Lili." "Lili?" "Joli fille." "All of a sudden, he's alert." "Well, it's been a long time, especially for a Frenchman." "Take him away." "( chuckles ):" "Come on." "Good luck." "Right." "Lili?" "Yes." "I'm Kinchloe." "This is Carter." "And I'm LeBeau." "Hi." "How are you?" "You must be quiet." "Follow me." "To the ends of the earth." "Just beyond the trees." "( crickets chirping )" "Yeah, that's a radio tower, all right." "And that looks like some kind of control unit." "Yeah." "They moved it through the town early this morning." "The tower has been completed several days." "Boy, that's quite a structure." "Yes." "I like it better than the Eiffel Tower." "Our underground reported a courier carried some dispatches from the tower to your commandant." "We'll notify Colonel Hogan." "You finished, Carter?" "Yeah." "Okay, let's get back to camp." "Uh, you guys run along." "Lili and I will do some more exploring." "( laughs ):" "I must leave now." "My father will be worried." "Good-bye." "Uh, Lili!" "Mon ami, you still wish to do a little exploring, huh?" "Well, I hope the next war will be friendlier than this one." "There's nobody in Klink's office." "If Klink received any important information from the courier, it'll be in the safe." "Look for an envelope marked "Top Secret."" "Right." "Go find Lightfingers Newkirk and get in there." "Okay." "How do you figure it, Colonel?" "I don't know." "Either it's a transmitting station, or receiving, or both." "Oh, well, it's pretty close to camp." "We made a big detour to stay undercover, but it's right over that hill." "Why'd the Krauts put it there all of a sudden?" "We gonna blow it up?" "It's nice to know what something is before you destroy it, Carter." "Why?" "Well, I mean, after the war, you can tell your children we blew up a this or a that." "Children?" "I'm not even married." "Don't worry, Carter." "Somewhere there's a wife, even for you." "Hurry it up, will you?" "Vite!" "Stop your narrating, will you?" "I can't listen to you and the tumblers." "A-ha." "There we are." "Ah, marvelous fingers, these." "Got ears of their own." "Will you stop admiring yourself and start looking?" "Oh, we are jumpy today, aren't we?" "Wait, hello." ""Luftwaffe Code Book." Top Secret." "Ah, we've got a copy of that." ""Prisoner of War Regulations."" "( blows )" "I like a camp that's run by the book." "Hey, hey, look out." "This looks a bit official." "Yeah, official, all right." "Postcards from Paris." "Ooh, blimey." "And no views of the Eiffel Tower." "Hey, I think we ought to, uh, visit Klink's safe a bit more often." "( door opening )" "What's going on in here?" "We were just robbing the commandant's safe, Schultz." "( laughs ):" "Jolly joker." "He never believes anything." "I'm asking you again." "What are you doing in here?" "Cleaning the office." "Who told you to?" "You did yesterday." "Impossible." "I was off duty." "Uh, the day before?" "Impossible." "I was on duty but sleeping." "What's the difference?" "We're here and doing a great job." "Also impossible." "There is some monkey business going on here." "You know, Schultz, as a people, you Germans are terribly suspicious." "You want me to believe you?" "He's got a point there." "Now I know that I did not ask you to clean this room." "Oh, then it must have been" "Corporal Nick in charge." "Yeah, that's right, it must have been..." "Achtung!" "Schultz, what's going on here?" "Herr Kommandant, they are cleaning the office." "I told them to do it." "Get these men out of here at once!" "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant." "Raus!" "Everybody, out, out, out, out, out, out, out, out." "Mach schnell!" "Hurry, hurry!" "Raus..." "Oh, Schultz, Schultz?" "Double the guards at all the exits." "No one is allowed in this building for one hour." "Jawohl, Herr Commandant." "General Burkhalter will have a conference with Captain Berger and myself, understood?" "Understood, Herr Kommandant." "Out!" "Out!" "Out...!" "Get out of my sight..." "Right." "Now, uh, before we start, uh, shall we have a little refreshment, Herr General?" "I don't want anything." "Neither does Berger." "Well, I'll just have a little..." "Neither do you." "That's right, I don't." "I just thought I did." "Now, Klink, this matter is top secret." "General Burkhalter, I assure you that this room is absolutely secure." "Nobody can hear a single word." "Nobody." "We're nobody, aren't we?" "Nobody." "Nobody." "We promise not to tell a soul, right?" "Right." "Right." "Satisfied?" "I am." "That's good enough for me." "Do you have the papers and the map?" "Yes, sir." "I have it right here." "I have kept it with me all this time." "I can assure, Herr General, we have needed something like this for a long time." "Something like what?" "Whatever it is." "Like me to explain it to him, Herr General?" "You may have to use baby talk." "Carry on." "BERGER:" "Colonel Klink, this is a type of radio station that can send information to our fighter squadrons earlier than before so that they may get into the air and knock down some enemy bombers much quicker." "I'm all for that." "I'm glad." "Thank you, sir." "Now, may I ask, how do I fit into this operation?" "Well, fortunately, the ideal location for this is here, right close to Stalag 13." "Mm-hmm, mm-hmm." "The enemy will not bomb it, because even a near miss, they might kill some of their own men here." "It is relatively safe from enemy bombing, but there is the problem of sabotage." "That's where you come in." "General Burkhalter, I assure you" "I would never sabotage our own men." "I am placing you in command of all security measures for the radio station." "Your men will guard it." "You can depend on me, sir." "And I will hold you personally responsible if anything goes wrong." "Rest easy." "Put it out of your mind." "We have great experience in such matters." "You see, we've never had a successful escape from Stalag 13." "But if there is the slightest difficulty, there will be one." "Sir?" "I will arrange for you to escape from Stalag 13... to the Russian front." "Disguised as a private in the infantry." "An advance warning system." "Murder." "Exactly." "Krauts could knock down more bombers than we could send over." "Well, let's blow it up." "Sure." "We blow it up, Klink takes the rap and gets sent to the Russian front." "Well, it couldn't happen to a nicer guy." "We get a new commandant who puts us out of business." "We got to blow it up and protect Klink, too." "Burkhalter's the man." "His orders count." "What are Burkhalter's weaknesses?" "( speaking German )" "And Wienerschnitzel." "And frauleins." "What good is that?" "That's everybody's weakness." "I just thought I'd mention it." "Well..." "Hold it, hold it." "That's it." "We get at Burkhalter through a fraulein." "Kinch, get a message to the underground." "I want to talk to the girl, Lili." "All right, Colonel." "LeBeau, you go out and bring her in through the emergency tunnel." "Yes, Colonel." "He made a pass at her." "Who made a pass at her?" "LeBeau, but it didn't work." "Good." "It means she's also got brains." "Write a letter to a German officer, me?" "That's right, a fan letter." "I'd rather die first." "A lot of the guys flying the bombers just might if you don't." "Colonel, I don't understand your plan." "You will." "We get to Burkhalter through Klink." "This is the first step." "He might take the letter seriously." "Then we're halfway home." "Look, I volunteered to work in the underground." "I have cheated, stolen, lied for the cause I believe in..." "And now we're offering a chance to put out the biggest lie of them all." "You write and tell Klink what a great guy he is." "You want to build a bowling alley?" "In the rec hall, sir." "The Red Cross will supply the equipment, if you give your permission and have tools issued to us." "And you expect that that's necessary for morale?" "Commandant, it's inspiring the way you grasp these things." "So, you want me to issue tools to your men?" "That means you will start out by building a bowling alley and wind up digging tunnels." "You have my word as an officer there will be no..." "Permission denied." "Dismissed." "What harm can a bowling alley possibly do?" "Hogan, I said dismissed." "Thanks a lot." "You're a great humanitarian." "Uh, Hogan, just a moment." "So, you really think I'm a monster, don't you?" "Not just a monster, sir." "You're a genius at it." "Insolence." "Not bad at that, either." "There are some people who don't agree with you." "People who think I'm not so bad after all." "There are all kind of nuts in this world." "I, uh, received a letter from a lady in town." "She doesn't even know me." "She, uh, has great admiration for me." "I don't believe it." ""Dear Colonel Klink," ""I shouldn't be writing to you" ""because we have never been properly introduced," ""but I have seen you in town many times" ""and admired you at a distance." ""I have also heard from many people" ""that you are a fine officer and a credit to the Fatherland." ""I hope we can meet sometime in the future." "Sincerely, Fraulein Weske."" "Oh, "P.S. Heil Hitler."" "It's a very romantic touch at the end." "That's not your own handwriting?" "Of course not." "Ah, it's probably some old maid battle-ax." "I have also made some discreet telephone calls, and it so happens that Fraulein Weske is a very intelligent and attractive girl." "Maybe I'm wrong, then." "Women have an instinct about things like this." "At least you're man enough to admit it." "Well, now, I suppose, you're going to invite her here for a little intimate dinner?" "No, I hadn't thought I..." "You'll also invite Burkhalter so you can show off." "Burkhalter?" "Well, don't think I'm going to ask Corporal LeBeau to cook you a real French dinner." "No, no, no." "Unless you give us an extra hour of electricity." "I'll do it." "I got to hand it to you." "What do you mean, Hogan?" "When it comes to the ladies, you sure move fast." "( laughter )" "That's marvelous." "A pleasant evening with a pleasant company." "Oh..." "Prosit." "Prosit." "Mm, wonderful." "Now, may I propose a toast?" "To strong men and weak women." "The Colonel is so clever at parties." "Shall we sit down?" "Yes, sir." "Fraulein." "Any action?" "We can't get started until you get rid of Schultz-- do something." "Oui, right away." "( whispering ):" "Hey, Schultzy." "Look." "Come on, come on." "( sniffing ):" "Mm..." "Come on, it's delicious." "Come on." "Mm..." "Good, huh?" "Mm..." "( giggling ):" "And when Colonel Klink invited me here, why, I had no idea I would be meeting a general." "( chuckling ):" "Well, that's one of our little surprises." "A little surprise, Klink?" "No, sir, a big one, a very... a big one." "And a very nice one, too." "Thank you." "And may I say, Fraulein, that meeting you has been one of the nicest things that has happened to me in this war." "Oh, General!" "What a sweet thing to say." "I could just kiss you." "You could?" "Well, why not?" "( shutter clicking )" "( chuckling ):" "Mmm." "You see what can happen to you when you are a general, Klink?" "Well, sir, I have something to look forward to." "Maybe in the next war." "I guess it's all right for me to be here with you." "I can always say I am guarding you." "And you're doing a good job, Schultz." "You want some more chicken?" "Oh, ja!" "Danke." "You're welcome." "Guard duty is such hard work." "And Iassigned Colonel Klink to be the security officer in this area." "I'm sure he'll do a very good job for you." "He better." "More champagne all around." "Champagne all around." "Yes, sir." "Yes, ma'am." "Here you are, sir." "Thank you." "Dinner's almost ready." "( squealing )" "( yelling )" "Oh, you fool!" "I apologize, Herr General, I apologize." "Please allow me." "Thank you, Fraulein." "Oh... ( shutter clicking )" "( chuckling softly ) Mmm..." "I hope the big shots are enjoying themselves." "You're doing pretty good yourself, Schultzy." "Why don't they invite me to a party?" "Schultz, if you were giving a party, would you invite you?" "Mmm, et voila." "Your dinner is ready." "Go ahead, announce it." "Okay." "Would I invite me?" "No." "Huh." "Why should I?" "Herr Kommandant..." "Yes, yes?" "Dinner is served!" "Thank you, Schultz." "Fraulein, General, shall we?" "Oh!" "Oh, oh, oh, oh!" "Oh, I'm sorry." "My foot went to sleep." "Oh, my dear, may I help you?" "I have the situation well in hand." "FRAULEIN WESKE:" "I feel much better." "Oh, that's good." "Excuse me, Schultz." "I've got to get these glasses out of... ( chuckling ) Oh, yes." "( shutter clicking ) Much better." "Uh, shall we, shall we?" "Uh, please, allow me." "May I?" "There." "Well, here we are, the three of us having dinner." "Everything looks so pretty, it's a shame we didn't get a chance to take some pictures." "HOGAN:" "Very good." "Looks like fun and games in Klink's quarters." "KINCH:" "Ha." "Get a load of the expression on Burkhalter's face in this one." "HOGAN:" "And with him, you can't tell whether it's love or indigestion." "What's our next move, Colonel?" "Tonight, we'll go out and blow up that tower." "And then?" "Immediately following that, we'll blow up Burkhalter." "Just like that, huh?" "Let's just say it's double or nothing." "( snoring )" "That's it, Colonel." "All right, don't make a move till we get them out of there." "And make it fast." "We're only going to have one chance." "Right, Colonel." "Right." "Good luck." "Let's go, Kinch." "This looks like a good place." "Start the hog calling." "Achtung!" "Achtung!" "This is Captain Berger!" "Sergeant Schultz, you will report to me at once!" "Sergeant Schultz!" "KINCH:" "Sergeant Schultz!" "Was ist los?" "This is Captain Berger!" "You will report to me at once!" "( gunshot )" "Jawohl!" "Where is he?" "Sergeant Schultz, this is Berger!" "What are you waiting for?" "!" "Yes, Captain Berger, at your service, Captain Berger!" "Here I am, Captain Berger!" "( gunshot )" "Where is he?" "!" "( gunshot )" "SCHULTZ:" "Captain Berger?" "!" "Schultz!" "Captain Berger!" "Yes, Captain Berger, at your service!" "Here I am!" "Captain Berger!" "( gunshot )" "Here I am, Captain Berger, at your service!" "( gunshot ) Captain Berger!" "I'm coming, Captain Berger!" "I'm coming, Captain Berger." "Captain Berger..." "I'm coming." "SCHULTZ:" "Captain Berger?" "Captain Berger, here I come!" "Captain Berger?" "Captain Berger?" "Captain Berger?" "Captain Berger?" "All set?" "Ready." "Yeah, the stuff is all planted." "Okay, up she goes." "Wait a minute." "What's the matter?" "Colonel, do you mind if, uh...?" "Could I...?" "Oh, of course, Carter." "Terribly selfish of me." "Pyromaniacs are so sensitive." "Go." "( metal squealing )" "( metal grinding )" "You Dummkopf!" "I should have known better than to rely on you!" "But I assure you, Herr General, I was asleep in bed at the time it happened right here!" "At least you could have had the decency to sleep there." "I assure you, Herr General, the next time..." "There will be no next time for you, Klink." "I won't sleep at all, ever, anywhere." "I'm relieving you of command." "But Herr General, I..." "Silence!" "I'm not finished!" "You are under arrest for criminal inefficiency." "Me?" "Are you questioning me, Klink?" "Of course not, Herr General." "A very wise decision." "But if the General would possibly reconsider..." "Hate to break in on two old friends." "Hogan..." "Thought we might discuss the bowling alley idea while you're both in such a good mood." ""Bowling alley"?" "Get out, Hogan!" "Oh, you want to think about it?" "Hogan, you are dismissed." "Yes, sir." "Oh, this envelope's for you." "Hilda must have dropped it when she brought in the mail." "Sorry." "Clumsy of me." "( grunting )" "It's a picture of you, sir." "Very natural, too." "I hate pictures that are posed, don't you?" "KLINK:" "Mmm, they do look very natural." "Of course, some people take good pictures, some people take bad pictures." "Shut up, Klink." "This is a frame-up!" "I will have this girl arrested at once." "What's her name-- Fraulein, uh, Weske." "Right, right, have her arrested." "Oops." "Wrong." "What are you talking about?" "Have her arrested, she sends the pictures to your wife, your wife has you arrested." "My wife?" "Yeah, you remember her-- the little woman with the big temper?" "This was an innocent party!" "It was an innocent party!" "Keep out of this." "Yes, sir; it wasn't innocent at all." "Shut up!" "Let me see." "Girl kissing you, girl sitting on your lap, you holding girl in your arms..." "Ah, what's to worry about?" "Your wife will understand." "I am not afraid of my wife." "Not afraid of your wife." "But then, there's the Fuhrer." "You know he doesn't like scandal of any kind." "Oh, here's a note." ""Dear General, though I find you a most fascinating man..."" ""Fascinating"?" "Mmm." "We may have misjudged the girl." "A discerning woman." ""Though I find you a most fascinating man," "I've lost my heart to Colonel Klink"?" "Hmm?" "That's incredible!" "Ridiculous." "Ridiculous." "But in my lighter moments, when the burdens of war were not so heavy..." "Go on, Hogan." "He does have a fascinating smile." "Thank you, Hogan." "She'll return the negatives if I publicly announce" "Klink is not responsible for the sabotage." "I won't do it." "Can I give you a lift to the Russian Front?" "I must have those negatives." "She says to send one of the prisoners." "She will trust no one else." "Here, Hogan." "You go." "BURKHALTER:" "The instructions are here." "You trust me?" "Of course." "I will have all the prisoners shot if you are not back in three hours." "You're a saint." "We will tolerate no tricks, Hogan." "And I will send a guard to escort you to your cell, Klink." "He doesn't mean a thing." "He loves me like a brother." "You know, you'd be better off without a family." "General." "You've got the negatives?" "Yes, sir." "Thank you." "Aren't you going to release Klink?" "Now that I've got these, what for?" "Maybe you better count." "There is one missing." "That little cheat." "Sad world." "You can't trust anyone anymore." "Guard?" "Oh, General Burkhalter, what a nice surprise." "You've come to see me." "Yeah, and it's not even visiting day." "I have decided to release you and restore your command." "All charges will be dropped." "You can't mean it, sir." "I don't, but I have no choice." "I feel so good, I want to celebrate." "What have you got in mind?" "A party." "First, I will invite Fraulein Weske, then the general..." "Commandant, do me a favor, will you?" "What is it?" "Go to a movie instead." ""(End of Episode)""