"Previously on Boston Legal." " Referred to a sex therapist a surrogate." "I'd like you to meet." "I'm retired." "I've remarried." "And my husband has problems with his wife being a sexual surrogate." "I'm sure you have a name." "I'm not much interested." " You scare me." "See me shudder?" " Take your clothes off, I'll make you." "Do you think you could maybe squeeze me in?" "I'm very sorry, but you won't be making partner." "Jerry Espenson deserves to be made a partner." "He's not a rainmaker, Alan." "He's toast." "We're toast." "Let me tell you something." "And you heard it here first." "Okay." "Obama's trouble with women has nothing to do with the Hillary supporters, most of whom are lesbians by the way." " And you can quote me on that." " I think I won't." " Comes from Bill." " Bill?" "He's been with a lot of women." "Left most of them with a bad taste in their mouth." "So Jerry, you and I are having a drink." "What's the deal?" "Because I think you're weird." "Okay." "I come up for partner this fall, Mr. Crane." "Call me Denny." "No, don't." "And when I do, I expect your full support." "Why would I want a weird guy for a partner?" "Because I've earned it." "And to get it, I'm going to need your support." "Here's my question to you." " Do you really want it?" " Yes, I do." "Because being a partner in a law firm isn't all it's cracked up to be." "But the money's good, right?" " Who are you?" " I'm part of your crime watch." "Way this works is you watch, I commit the crime." " Oh, my God." " Now, now..." "No, no." "There's no talking." "You just give me your watch and wallet now." "Here's my problem." " You're black." "Mr. Crane." " What?" " I'm Denny Crane." " I'm a big shot." " So am I." "If you kill me, the headline's gonna be, "Black guy kills white big shot. "" "And that's the last thing we need when we're trying to elect an African-American as president." "Dear God." "How about I blow your brains out right now?" "That doesn't work for me." " Work for you?" " Denny, please." "Hey." " All right, all right, all right." "Watch." "Wallet." "Gun." "Knee." "Right foot." "Left foot." "Ah!" "Thank God for guns, huh, Jerry?" "Only in America." "Sweet land of Liberty Valance." " Are you all right?" "Of course." "Why wouldn't I be all right?" "It was just an attempted mugging." "And no..." " You absolutely had to shoot?" " I shoot people all the time." " Had to shoot three times?" " Lf you say so." " In both feet?" "Mr. Crane?" " I told you everything last night." " Yes." "And we appreciate that, sir." "But we haven't been sent to get your statement." " What is it then?" "Autograph?" "No, sir." "I apologize, but we're here to arrest you." " Arrest me?" " What's going on?" " Lf it was up to me..." " What are the charges?" " Possession of a concealed firearm." " Oh, please." " You can't be serious." "Man was mugged." " I realize that." "Also, his having a gun helped us catch a guy we've been looking for." "But the law is the law and Mr. Crane broke it." " Place your hands behind your back, sir." " This is unbelievable." " You have the right to remain silent." " I know my rights." "I'm never silent." "Everything about me makes noise." "I want those back when we're done." "Oh." " The arraignment is at 10:30." " I'm on my way." "He doesn't want you, Alan." " Excuse me?" " He thinks you're too anti-gun." "Oh." " Did he say who he did want?" " Angelina Jolie." "But that's not going to happen." " Carl, do you think you could go?" " Me?" "I'm not pro-gun." "Please?" " Alan." " Joanna, hello." "Sorry to disturb." "I have a bit of an emergency." "My ex-husband, he's trying to take my daughter." "He says my being a sex surrogate makes me an unfit mother." " How old is she?" " Ten." "I worked part-time since she was born." "I've been pretty much stay-at-home." " Have you had sole custody?" " No, split." "But he's going for sole." "I wouldn't get to have her at all." "Let me set up a meeting with his attor..." " He can't win, can he?" " Let me talk..." " She's my little girl." " Joanna, you're not gonna lose her." "32888, the Commonwealth..." "versus Denny Crane on the charge of possession of a concealed weapon." " Your Honor, we'll wave the reading." " For God's sake." " What has he done?" " What's he done, Your Honor is have temerity to defend himself against an armed assailant." "The charge is for possession of a concealed firearm." " I've a right." "Ask the Supreme Court." " Supreme Court didn't give the right to conceal a firearm without a permit." " I got a note from Dick Cheney." "Mr. Crane, you've been accused of breaking the law." " You will stand trial." "Is that clear?" " Your Honor shouldn't you recuse yourself?" "After all I did tell you to bite me that time." " When?" " It was, come to think of it now, actually." "Bite me." "You cannot, cannot, cannot antagonize the judge." " Oh, please." " The jury'll take its cues from him." " What's going on?" " We go to trial." "Jerry." "You'll be second chairing." " Won't I be a witness?" " I want you as co-counsel." "Who better to close than somebody who stared down the barrel of the gun?" " You want him to close?" " Why not?" " Denny, do you want to get off or not?" " My place or yours?" "Bring the outfit." "Denny, I'm not really comfortable arguing this one." "Jerry, you wanna make partner?" "You gotta take one for the team." "It's an unstable environment." "She's a perv and we're not budging." "First..." " Don't try any disgusting strategies to unsettle me." " Who's to say what's disgusting?" "I could offer to close my eyes and suck on you as if you were a giant love peach." "I'm giving you 30 seconds to state your case." "Then I'm out." " Emma." " And don't call me by my first name." "Daniella's doing very well with the current custody arrangement." "She's healthy, happy, very active." "She gets straight A's in school." " Her mother sells her body, a sex worker." " She's not a sex worker." "She's a certified health professional who offers sex surrogacy as one of many therapeutic approaches to help people suffering with a dysfunction." " I understand you were one client." " Yes." "She taught me several things I'd love to pass onto you." " Shall we just get a room?" " Disgusting." "Look, we're talking about a 10-year-old girl here." " I can't have you around her." " The shared custody..." "You and I don't see eye to eye." "We can't make decisions together." "I'm afraid of your influence, of the impact you might make on her." "I just can't have it." "We'll see you in court, stud muffin." "Whoa!" "Ooh, tenderloin." "Tease." "Your ex-husband will testify first then you." " Okay." "We're trying to avoid having to call Daniella." "But she'll likely have to at least talk to a judge in chambers." " Okay." "Joanna, it would take a lot for a judge to deny a mother custody of any kind." " Most mothers don't do what I do." " There's that." "Alan." " How are you doing?" " Me?" "Fine." " Why?" " Just asking." "Joanna, you never just ask." "What are you getting at?" "Well, your dialogue with opposing counsel was especially aggressive." "Sexually aggressive." "That was just lawyers' gamesmanship." "The language I heard was not simply for another lawyer." "It was for a woman." " Say what's on your mind, Joanna." " Okay." "Well, I've never said it before." "But there's a part of you that's always been sexist." "But now you seem to be losing the ability even the inclination, to connect with a woman in non-sexual way." "What used to be a part is becoming the whole." "You know, given that your life with your daughter is about to be decided I would think the last thing you'd want to do right now is to distract me." "You know, you're right." "I apologize." "Let's go." "We pulled three guns off him at the scene." "Then when we went to arrest him the next day, he had five more guns on him." "Also a propane thing that wasn't legal." "A propane thing?" "Yeah." "It's a device strapped to his buttocks." "Basically, he could break wind and turn his ass into a blowtorch." "And did he have any carry permits for these weapons?" "No, sir." "He did not." "What would have happened had Mr. Crane not been armed?" " Objection." "Speculation." "Your Honor this officer has 15 years experience with criminals, their conduct." " He has foundation to speculate." " I'll allow it." "How do you think it'd go down?" " He'd have been mugged." " Possibly killed?" " Possibly." "But it's also possible..." "Thank you, officer." "You answered my question." "One more thing." "Honestly, when you arrested Mr. Crane, did you want to?" " Objection." " That one's sustained." "Oh, Your Honor, if I may..." " What?" " By sustaining the objection the jury'll never learn that the officer didn't want to arrest me." "Which he didn't wanna do." "Sorry." "But her sex job makes her an inappropriate parent." "Objection to the term "sex job. " It's inaccurate and makes me giggle." "Mr. Shore, you turn this courtroom into a playground and I'm gonna come down there and beat the crap out of you." "Miss Path, please." "And while this would be a call to action at any point in Daniella's life it is of even more pronounced concern at her current age." "Yes?" "Yes." "Girls are entering puberty earlier and earlier." " This is a very formative time for her." " A time when her moral and behavioral foundations are put into place about so many things." " About sex." " Kids learn from what their parents say from what their parents do, even from their unsaid attitudes." "In fact, 60 percent of 8- to 11-year-olds say their mothers are their number one resource for issues like sex, HIV and AIDS, alcohol, drugs." "Aren't you a little encyclopedic ball of fire." "Do I have to come down there?" "Judge, I'm a fan of corporal punishment." "Especially when it comes from the rugged hands..." "But that's just me." "Miss Path, please continue." "What's your main issue, Martin?" " My ex-wife, in doing what she does is giving Daniella an excessively permissive take on sex." "She's saying to my daughter:" ""It's okay to be sexual with people you don't love for money. "" "Studies show that the more often parents discuss sex with their kids in an open and comfortable manner the less likely the kids are to have sex early and casually." " This goes beyond discussion." " It's also been found that the parent needs to initiate these exchanges as 77 percent of teenagers simply don't know how to bring it up." "Shouldn't you count yourself lucky you have a trained professional in the family?" " Someone skilled..." " A little too skilled." "You were aware that Joanna was a sex surrogate when you married." "Yes." "But..." " It turn you on?" " Objection." " Overruled." " Did it turn you on?" "Become a parent, you look differently." " Yes, it turned you on?" " I told her I wanted her to quit." "We wanted to start a family, which we did." "And she quit for a while." " But then she went back to work." " So women should only work until they become wives and mothers, their real calling." "A career is just something to do until their real lives start, which is mothering." "I didn't ask her to quit curing cancer." "Or quit teaching kids to be concert violinists." "I asked her to give up the orgasm workshops." " Move to strike." " Overruled." "Something bothering you, Mr. Shore?" "She threatened to beat you up?" " Yes." " The judge?" "Yes." "I'm the lawyer." "She'd beat me up if she could." " The little one who slapped me around?" " Yes." "She's a fiery number." "She'd wear you out at night, I'll bet." "Denny, do you think you and I are sexist?" " Us?" " We do tend to objectify women." "They love that, Alan." "They'd be mad if you didn't." "Do you think you treat women as your equal?" "I'm Denny Crane." "There's no man my equal, much less a woman." "You know who the real sexists in this country are, Alan?" "It's the women." "It's the women media who tore up Hillary." "Women who criticized her pantsuits, said she wasn't pretty enough she should be softer, sexier." "Me?" "Hell, just give me the word, I'll throw her across my desk." "You're such a libertarian." "Alan, you and I are the last people who'd be sexist." "We love women." "All women." "Even the fat ones." "Hell, sometimes I even prefer the fat ones." "What?" "Talking is the predominant element of surrogate therapy." "Sharing information, providing emotional support, devising coping skills." "There are non-erotic body-awareness exercises sensory explorations and relaxation techniques." "And yet these folks depict you as a strumpet with a plaque on the wall." "Less than 15 percent of time with clients is spent engaging in sexual activities." "The goal is to reorient, to re-educate so that intimacy is possible, comfortable and healthy." "But is it primarily about sexual technique?" "It's primarily about intimacy, which often goes way deeper than sex." "Some women are self-loathing and use sex as an affirmation." "Which, of course, completely backfires." "I have many men who love their wives but nevertheless hate women on some level." "And you went back to work after your divorce because...?" "I was eager to be an example to my daughter of an independent, self-sufficient woman." "For the most part, that went pretty well." "Would you like to explain that little personal shot at me?" " Excuse me?" " About men hating women." "That comment wasn't somewhat directed at me?" "No." "I have many male clients who are repulsed by feminism." "It had nothing to do with you." "But the fact that it hit a nerve..." " Of course." "You've got my antenna up." " Then ask yourself why." "I am not one of those men who hates women." " Or is repulsed by feminism." " I know that." "I'm not." "I'm..." " You want to win your daughter back?" " I do." "Then don't unsettle me with..." "Alan, you once told me when you meet a woman first question is, "Would I?" "Wouldn't I?" "How would it be?"" "That's the question every heterosexual male asks." "We're built that way." "And for your information, it's now more like the third or fourth question I ask myself." " That doesn't mean I hate women." " When I knocked on your door you said hello, mentally undressed me in a heartbeat." "I do that with all... people." "You looked fantastic." "The guy pulled a gun on me." "I pulled mine on him." "Yes." "The issue here isn't self-defense." " It was self-defense." " Absolutely." " Lf I didn't have my gun..." "I had to shoot." " You'd be dead." " Saved my life." " And Jerry's." "Didn't shoot to kill." "Took a knee." " Just to wound." "And two feet." " And boom." " Objection." " Do you think this is funny?" " Funny?" "Did you have a chuckle the last time somebody pulled a gun on you?" "This case is about concealing a handgun on the person, not about self-defense." "Doesn't mean we can ignore that if Mr. Crane didn't have his weapon..." " Dead." "Boom." " Gone." "And boom." "Objection." " Stop it!" "You think you've a constitutional right to conceal a weapon without a permit?" " I've a right to keep a gun at home." " The court says so." " You were on the street." "A man's home is where his heart is." "In my case, the penis." "Do you have any idea how many people die from gun violence?" "Yeah." "Make a law." "No carrying guns." " Criminals will obey." " Show where in the Constitution it says you can walk the streets armed without a permit." "The Constitution says whatever the Supreme Court says it says." "As for what the Supreme Court says, that depends on who's president." " Move to strike." " You don't have to be a genius." "If you've got a president who likes guns and a vice president who likes to hunt lawyers and quail Supreme Court Justice who hunts with him you're gonna have a Constitutional right to shoot bad guys in the knee." "I swear to you, the man doesn't have Alzheimer's." "He uses the mad cow as an excuse to do whatever the hell he wants whether it's dropping his pants or shooting people." "He had a PET scan." "It showed he has plaque on his brain." "Says who?" "He's Denny Crane." "You don't think he'd rig a PET scan?" "I'm telling you the man knows what he's doing." "Is he going to win here?" "That I don't know." "We don't really have a defense." "Can you explain the wisdom in letting Jerry close?" "Denny's wisdom." "Since Jerry was also a victim he's the most able to put the jury in Denny's shoes that night." "Shirley, Carl." "Shirley do you find me terribly sexist?" "This isn't funny." "Answer the question." "Before I respond, could you answer a question for me?" "Are you finished fiddling with my cheerleader outfit?" "That's just a textile fetish." " Alan." "I respect women, every part of a woman." " I'd say especially the parts." " That's right." "So..." " That isn't true, Shirley." "Is it?" " Alan, you know you are an iconic letch." "If it'll make you feel better, sometimes I like being ogled by you." " So do I." "I think the problem you're having is you feel reduced by the label." "You're not a simple man." "You're extremely complicated brilliant, funny, profoundly layered." "But fundamentally, you are an incorrigible irrepressible dog." "With a textile fetish." "I love this place." " Jerry?" " Denny." " What are you doing?" " Standing on my desk." "For any particular reason?" "I'm having an out-of-body experience." "I'm looking down on myself as I deliver my compelling closing." "Come on off the desk there, big fella." "Yeah, come to Papa." "You wanna do well here, don't you?" "Because lawyers who get me off tend to make partner." "Especially women lawyers." "Stop laughing, Jerry." "I notice you twiddling the wooden cigarette." " Makes you feel confident, does it?" " It helps." "Look what I got here." "A wooden cigar." "It's yours." "If you do a good job." "By doing a good job, Jerry, you personally can ensure that every American has the right, the privilege, of carrying a gun." "How many lawyers have that opportunity?" "Truly, Jerry." "Does your mom ever bring any of her clients home?" "No." "Daniella, what exactly do you know about your mother's job?" "I know she's a sexual surrogate." "And you know what a sexual surrogate does?" "She treats people with, like, sex problems and problems trusting, and stuff." "And you know the nature of that treatment?" "She talks to them, sometimes she has sex with them." "How do you feel about that?" "I don't know." "Okay, I guess." "I mean it's a little weird, but it's her job." "Can you tell me a little bit about what life is like at home with your mother?" "It's..." "I don't know." "Normal, I guess." "It's home." "And what do you and your mom do together?" "Lots of stuff." "We like to hike." "We like to play a lot of games." "You know, hearts, Monopoly." "She's one of the coaches on my soccer team." "But mostly she kind of nags me to do my homework and stop playing "Guitar Hero. "" "Do you ever talk about your mother's job with her?" "Sometimes." "Daniella, I know this is an unfair question but I am gonna ask it." "Do you have a feeling about living either mostly with your mom or your dad?" "We are a nation of laws and Mr. Crane broke the law." "He carried a concealed weapon." "Eight of them, actually." "He has no defense, nor has he offered one." "His only play would be to challenge the existing law." "He no doubt thinks the recent Supreme Court ruling empowers him." "It does not." "The ruling said that an individual has the right to bear arms." "It does not say he has a right to conceal them nor does it hold that the state can't impose reasonable restrictions on that right." "And this restriction is very reasonable." "Thirty thousand Americans are killed by guns every year." "To put that in perspective, we have lost close to 4000 soldiers in Iraq during the war." "Kids are killed on the street walking to school." "People are shot dead in their houses, places of work." "Do we need another Virginia Tech to realize this country has a problem which is epidemic?" "There are now more firearms in homes than pets." "Does the defense really mean to suggest that folks be allowed to walk around, concealing their firearms?" "Or is it just that Denny Crane is above the law?" "Or maybe, as his testimony suggests, it's all in good fun." "Why be so concerned about something as trivial as human life?" "Jerry, you have to get up now." "Human life." "Human life." "Can we just please dispense with the human life jingle?" "It's so boring." "Of course we're all pro human life." "Show of hands." "How many in favor of people not being dead?" "Well, let's face it." "We love guns." "Go to the movies, turn on your TV." "We're a pistol-toting, gun-loving people." "We started this country with the "shot heard round the world," not legislation." "Am I right?" "Look, Denny Crane is a lawyer himself, a scholar." "In fact, if there are two legal minds ever in perfect synch in this country it would be those of Antonin Scalia and Denny Crane." "Check their DNA." "Twins separated at birth." "I tell you, Denny and Tony, Tony and Denny." "Can you imagine Denny Crane on the Supreme Court?" "Wow, Scalia, Roberts, Thomas, Alito and Crane." "Talk about birds of a feather." " Jerry, what are you doing?" " What am I doing?" "I'm celebrating the actions of my client." "I'm acknowledging that he with the Supreme Court..." "Not all, but the big five." " Are smarter than any Court we've had." "I mean, no other Supreme Court in our 200-year history could find a right to bear arms for nonmilitary purposes." "But, suddenly, presto." "Thank God for the big five, I tell you." ""A well-regulated militia being necessary to the security of a free state the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed. "" "Turns out, the trick is to just ignore the first 13 words." "Home free." "See, Big Tony calls this the "prefatory clause. " Prefatory." "I guess that means "worthless. " And this is the "operative clause. "" "Of course." "All this nonsense about the right being necessary for a well-regulated militia, they put that in for fun." "Those Founding Father jokesters." "We weren't to take this part seriously." "How could all Supreme Courts over the last 200 years have fallen for that?" " May I have a word with cocounsel?" "You may not." "Sit, Hacky Sack." "And enough with this "we're a nation of laws" crapola." "We're a nation of politics." "Am I right?" "Am I right?" "The laws are simply devices to serve our ideologies." "For example, this court, the smartest in the history of the world trumpeted individual liberties to protect guns." "But as for individual liberties for criminal defendants, who needs them?" "Then in the Guantánamo case, Big Tony said individual liberties be damned when it means human lives might be lost." "In the guns case, hail individual liberties, even though more lives might be lost." "That's consistent." "See, Big Tony knows the score." "Look to your politics." "That'll tell you what the law is." "Jerry." "Pipe down, Sacky boy." "These are smart judges, these Supremies." "And, boy, once we got the newbies, Roberts and Alito, the preemies the possibilities are just boundless." "They don't have to be bound by the Constitution or the Founding Fathers since they're not even bound by their own principles." " Jerry." " Consider." "They always say political questions should be decided by elected officials." "But, as for guns, no." "They say, we need to pay attention to the precise words in the Constitution." "But for guns, no." "They say they loathe judicial activism, but when it comes to guns, no." "Don't you just love these preemies?" "McCain does." "He wants to go out and find more judges exactly like them." "He's a smarty, that McCain." "He knows how to become president." "He once cosponsored a bill closing the gun-show loophole, but now, no." "He now believes the Second Amendment means no gun control." "That might make him even smarter than Big Tony." "And Obama, he's no dummy." "He once took a stand on firearms." "But in his Blueprint For Change?" "Nada." "Nothing on gun control." "I guess we don't need that much change." "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, you cannot convict Denny Crane." "If anything, this man should be canonized." "Don't you love that word "canonized. "" "Sounds like a big gun." "How many are titillated?" "Denny Crane, like Big Tony, like the preemies he doesn't look at the Constitution and say, "Why?" He sees meanings that never were and says, "Why not?"" "My client is a real American." "Flag on his lapel, gun in his pants, he shoots bad guys." "Boom, boom." "Boom, boom." "There is nothing more red, white and blue than him." "A man who knows, as does our president as do the big five human life is simply no match for a gun." "What the hell was that?" " Was I not compelling?" " You just sent him to jail." "What could possibly possess you?" "You did." "You said to give Denny what he needs." "He needed to lose." "He needed to lose." "And you made that decision?" "Denny did." "Carl, my friend, the trick to changing a law is not to beat it, but to get beat." "Then you can appeal to a court that can change it." "What are you talking about?" "The Massachusetts legislature is never gonna let us pack pistols." "You gotta get it to the Supreme Court." "They'll take care of it." "You can't be serious." "You want to lose so you can appeal to the Supreme Court?" "Jerry, my boy, let me present you a wooden cigar." "You earned it, my friend." "Thank you." "I'm a professional woman." "I have kids." "They understand what I do." "They ask me about my work." "They're proud to have me come to their school for career day." "And when I get this paycheck they can feel confident it doesn't represent one minute of me engaging in a sex act." "Will this be the case for Daniella?" "What's in her best interests?" "Daniella's best interests lie with her father." "Let's not be outfoxed by the fancy talk and therapy-jargonized argument of Ms. Monroe and her sleazy lawyer and allow Daniella to be exposed to a woman who employs questionable philosophies and unfit moral practices in her chosen career." "The general laws of Massachusetts state that custody of a child includes the right and responsibility to see to the child's welfare and make major decisions about his or her education and medical care and emotional, moral, and religious development." "Give Daniella's father sole custody." "Don't make me hit you." "There was an incident in a shopping mall recently that incited a storm of protest and was well-covered by the media." "Apparently, a woman was thrown out of a lingerie store because while she was sitting next to a mannequin that was wearing only a thong and a peekaboo bra, the woman started to breast-feed." "Meanwhile, back in the capital Attorney General John Ashcroft had mammoth drapes purchased to obscure two statues in the Great Hall of the Department of Justice because the female statue, Spirit of Justice has one breast uncovered and the male statue, Majesty of Law is bare-chested and wears a loincloth." " What is your point?" " My point is this country has a profoundly paradoxical relationship with sex." "We damn infidelity but our presidents have extramarital affairs in and out of the White House." "The mistress-keeping and rendezvousing of FDR, LBJ, Billy Bob Clinton and grand champ JFK are legendary." "And other than the impeaching of Billy Bob, we went with that." "We didn't say, "You've engaged in inappropriate sexual behavior our culture finds inexcusable, so give up your children. "" "By the way, when it comes to our children we've entirely lost our heads." "When parents were surveyed about what they found most offensive in their kids' video games "a man and a woman having sex" came in first as most offensive beating out "graphically severed human head," which came in third." "And yet we have more and more women proudly declaring to friends over coffee:" ""I'm a MILF at my kid's high school. " M" " I-L-F." "Mother I'd like to... forgive me for speaking this way in court." "Evidently, we've decided, instead of our traditional de-sexing of mothers we now need to sex them up a bit." "Just talk about the fitness of this mother." "Joanna is a wonderful mother." "And part of her job is to help people find some semblance of order in this paralyzing mess to help people find some clarity." "In today's world, we should all be assigned someone to help us navigate the waters of sex and sexism because it's so easy to get lost." "So woefully, woefully lost." "We need to bring sex out of the dark shadows where it can get twisted and torqued and..." "We think nothing of using sex to sell products or movies, television shows, magazines." "But when someone is addressing sex in a real, true, honest way that's immoral?" "That's inappropriate?" "That's unfit?" "All right, you win." "I am maintaining duel custody." "Well, if you don't mind, I'd like to finish what I have to say." "No." "Mr. Monroe, what she does is clearly unconventional." "But there is no sign that it's an unstable environment and there's no evidence that your ex-wife is unfit." "Therefore, we are adjourned." " Thank you, Your Honor." " Yes." "Thank you, Alan." " Will it go straight to the Supreme Court?" " No." "We'd have to lose at the Appeals Court and lose again with the SJC." "Not to worry." "Jerry's closing will get the job done." "Mr. Foreman, you have reached a unanimous verdict?" " We have, Your Honor." " What say you?" "In The Commonwealth of Massachusetts v. Denny Crane on the charge of carrying a concealed firearm we the jury find the defendant Denny Crane not guilty." " We won?" " What?" " Your Honor, we appeal." "You can't appeal an acquittal." "You are the defendant." "He's right." "What happened?" "Sorry, Denny." "I guess you can't lose them all." "I can't lose any." "You really had your hopes up." "Well, it's one thing to be an icon but to be a cause célèbre, a martyr even..." "The idea of famous Hollywood people wearing a button, "Free Denny. "" "I don't think Hollywood types wear buttons for gun nuts." "You actually think I'm a nut to carry a gun?" "Five all at once?" "Yes, Denny, that raises you to lunatic status." " Oh, and you would never own one." " I didn't say that." "You're afraid to even hold one, you girl." "I have one." "In a safe at home." "Thirty-eight." " You have a. 38?" " Yes." "I see nothing wrong with that." "I see a lot wrong with assault weapons." "People walking around like you with guns." " Have you ever shot it?" " Just target practice." "I can't fathom a liberal like you owning a gun." "That's one of the problems in this country." "We have two camps." "Those that like guns and those that don't." "Why can't we say okay to guns and okay to gun legislation?" "Why does it make someone a pinko-liberal girl if he supports background checks and bans on assault weapons?" "That's a sexist remark, you realize that?" " What?" " "A pinko-liberal girl. "" "Girls can like guns." "Never mind." "Just let me drink." "Fine." "I am sexist." "When I see a woman, my first thoughts are sexual." "It's not that I don't respect her intelligence." "It's not that I wouldn't want a woman to be president." "I'll even admit to the possibility that women are emotionally and intellectually superior to men." "But I cannot deny there's a part of me that sees a woman as this big human mitten perfectly designed to keep my cockles warm on a cold winter's night." "Oh, Alan." "It's cultural, it's biological, and it's fun." "There are many ways men go dead as they age." "One way, they start incorporating all the learned, politically correct behavior and thoughts into who they are and, in the process, deny what they are." " What are we?" " Animals." "Today's evolved men talk to each other about politics and kids and education." "They talk about anything and everything, and yet are profoundly lonely." "Why?" "Because they're ashamed to share their most base instinct." "You and I are not like that." "When we're 90, we'll sit on a bench a pretty girl will go by, and we'll say, "Look at the rack on that one. "" "You and I will never, ever be lonely." "And if the girl has a boyfriend who comes to confiscate our walkers?" " I've got my gun." " Oh, I feel better." "You should." "Alan, embrace your inner wolf." "You listen to Denny, now." "Yes."