"The main news this Thursday pm is the big government re-shuffle." "I have with me, to discuss his new empire, the Minister for Administrative Affairs, the Right Honourable James Hacker." "It's been said that you are now Mr Town Hall as well as Mr Whitehall." "Well, it's very flattering of you to put it that way." "It wasn't me who put it that way, it was the Daily Mirror." "I just wanted to confirm that you are now this country's chief bureaucrat." "That's nonsense." "This government believes in reducing bureaucracy." "Figures I have here say that your department's staff has risen by 10%." " Certainly not." " What figure do you have?" "I believe the figure is much more like 9.97." "Well, it has been suggested that your department is less interested in reducing bureaucracy than in increasing it." "Well, yes, but that's because we've had to take on more staff in order to reduce staff." " I beg your pardon?" " It's common sense." "We need more doctors to cure more patients, more firemen to extinguish more fires." "How will you extinguish local government bureaucracy?" "It's a challenge I'm looking forward to." "Would you agree there's even more bureaucratic waste there than in Whitehall?" " Yes, that's what makes it a challenge." " How will you meet the challenge?" "It's far too early to give detailed proposals." "I've just come here direct from Number 10." "From number 9.97, perhaps!" "The broad strategy is to cut ruthlessly at waste while leaving essential services intact." "That's what your predecessor said." "Did he fail?" "Let me finish." "Because we must be absolutely clear and I'm going to be quite frank with you." "The fact is that, at the end of the day, it is the right, the duty, of the elected government in the House of Commons to ensure government policy, the policies on which we were elected" "and for which we have a mandate, the policies for which the people voted, are the policies which, finally, when the national cake has been divided up..." "And may I remind you we, as a nation, don't have unlimited wealth?" "We can't pay ourselves more than we earn." "...are the policies..." "I'm sorry, what was the question again?" "I was just asking you whether you would agree that your predecessor had failed." "Certainly not." "On the contrary." "It's just that this job is an enormous..." " Challenge?" " Exactly!" "Incidentally, I heard your chap on the radio yesterday, Humpy." " Mm?" " Mm." "He sounded as if he wanted to DO things about your new local government remit." "He kept calling it a challenge." " Congratulations." " Very kind." "You may soon be even more important than Arnold!" " Yes, I expect..." "Er, no, no, no, no, no." " I do want to be quite clear about this." "I'd never have given you local government if I'd thought you'd let Hacker do anything." " He won't be able to." "Nobody else has." " That's not the point, Humpy." "We've found in the past that all local government reforms rebound on us." "When anybody finds a way of saving money or cutting staff in local government, it works for Whitehall just as well." "Yes, but local government is extravagant, overstaffed, incompetent, whereas we..." " Exactly so." " I know my duty, Arnold." "If he needs something to keep him busy, you know what to do?" "Get him to look into civil defence." " Civil defence?" "You mean fallout shelters?" " Yes." "Governments long ago decided civil defence was not a serious issue." "Merely a desperate one!" "It's best left to those whose incompetence can be relied upon." "Local authorities!" "But the highest duty of government is to protect its citizens." "Presumably that's why they leave it to the borough councils!" "Thank you, gentlemen." "Can I have a word about a proposal I worked out before we were transferred to this department?" " And you are?" " I am... what?" " Yes, you are what?" " What?" " What?" " I am Dr Cartwright." "If I may put it another way, what are you?" "I'm C of E." "The Minister means, what function do you perform in the department?" " Don't you know?" " Yes, I know, but the Minister wants to know." "I'm a professional economist." "Director of Local Administration Statistics." "You ran the Local Authority Directorate before we took over." "Dear me, no." "Sir Gordon Reid was the Permanent Secretary." "I'm just Under-Secretary rank." "I fear I shall rise no higher." " Why not?" " Alas, I'm an expert." " On what?" " On the whole thing." " It's all in here." " What's this all about?" "Controlling council expenditure." "I'm proposing that all council officials responsible for a new project list their criteria for failure before getting the go-ahead." " What do you mean?" " It's a basic scientific approach." "You must establish a method of measuring the success or failure of an experiment." "When it's completed, you know if it's succeeded or failed." "A proposer states "This scheme would fail if it lasts longer than this" ""or costs more than that, if it employs more staff than these" ""or fails to meet pre-set standards."" " Fantastic!" "You could never make it work." " 'Course you can." "It's all in there." "This is my top priority reading." "Why hasn't it been done before?" "I can't understand." "I put it up several times and it was always welcomed most warmly." " But there was always something more urgent on." " Well, you've come to the right place this time." "Thank you, Minister." "This is marvellous, isn't it, Bernard?" "Isn't it, Bernard?" "Oh, yes." "Well, it's... er..." "That is, it's... um... very well presented." " Humphrey will be fascinated." " He's on his way here." " He'll give his views." " What are you saying?" "Yes, well, as I say, I think that he'll think that it's beautifully... typed." " Ah, Minister." " Ah, Humphrey, come in." " Sit down." " Thank you, Minister." "Now, local authorities." "What are we going to do?" "Minister, this new remit gives you more influence, more Cabinet seniority." "But do not let it give you any more work or worry." "That would be foolishness." "We've got to stop this appalling waste and extravagance." "Why?" " Why?" " Yes, why?" "Well, it's my job." "We're the government." "We were elected to govern." "Oh, really, Minister." "Surely you won't tamper with the democratic rights of freely-elected local representatives?" "Well... no, of course not." "But local government isn't democratic." "Local democracy's a farce!" "Most people don't know who their councillor is." "They never vote in a local election." "Those who do regard it as a popularity poll for the government here." "Local councillors are accountable to nobody." "They're public-spirited citizens selflessly sacrificing their spare time." " Ever met any?" " When there was no alternative." "They're either busybodies on an ego trip or in it for what they can get out of it." "Perhaps they ought to be in the House of Commons." "Er, I mean, to see how a proper legislative assembly behaves." " I'm going to get a grip on them." "I have a plan." " You have a plan?" "Yes." "I'm going to insist that any local official who puts up a plan costing more than say... £10,000 must accompany it with failure standards." " With what?" "!" " With a statement saying he will have failed if his project does not achieve certain... pre-set results or exceeds... fixed time or staff or budget limits." "Where did you get the idea for this dangerous nonsense?" "From someone... in the department." "I have warned you before about the danger of speaking to people in the department!" "I implore you to stay out of the minefield of local government." "It is a political graveyard." "Excuse me, Sir Humphrey, you cannot have a graveyard in a minefield" " You got me this job, you said." " But I didn't expect you to do anything." "I mean, you've never done anything before!" " Humphrey, I am deaf to your complaints." " Please, I beg you..." "No, no, no, no, Humphrey." "I want specific proposals straight away." "And immediate plans for their implementation by local government." "What's the fuss about?" "I'm only proposing failure standards for local government, not Whitehall." " Though come to think of it..." " If you insist on interfering in local government, may I make a suggestion that could prove a vote winner?" "Humphrey, I want to hear no more about..." "Vote winner?" "An area of local government that needs urgent attention." " What?" " Civil defence." "You mean fallout shelters?" "Surely they're just a joke." "Precisely, Minister." "At the moment, they are a joke." "Local authorities are dragging their feet, but the highest duty of any government is to protect its citizens." "Some think building shelters makes nuclear war more likely." "If you have the weapons, you need the shelters." " Sometimes wonder why we need the weapons." " Minister, you're not a unilateralist?" " Well..." "I sometimes wonder." " Then you must resign from the government!" "Ah, no, no, no, no, no, no." "I'm not THAT unilateralist." " America will protect us from the Russians." " Who's talking about the Russians?" " Well, the independent deterrent." " It's to protect us against the French!" "The French?" " But that's astounding!" " Why?" " Well, they're our allies, our partners." " They are NOW." "But they've been our enemies for most of the past 900 years." "If they've got the bomb, we must have the bomb!" "If it's for the French, of course, that's different." "Makes a lot of sense." " Yes." "Can't trust the Frogs." " You can say that again!" "There is increasing public concern about the bomb." "If I were to be seen to be doing something about it..." "I see what you mean." "Ludovic Kennedy is preparing a BBC documentary on civil defence likely to be critical of the current situation." "If you were seen to be taking decisive measures..." "Right, yes." "I always handle Ludo so frightfully well." " Right, well, where do we start?" " Just a suggestion." "The London Borough of Thames Marsh spends less on civil defence than any other authority." "Hm." "A ministerial visit, do you think?" "That's Ben Stanley's borough - the one with the wispy moustache, who the press all hate." "Good point." "Get onto it straight away." "Get Bill to make sure the press knows about this visit." "Tell them I lie awake at night worrying about the defenceless citizens of Thames Marsh." "Do you, Minister?" "Well, I will now." "What makes you think you can come swanning down here from Whitehall and tell us how to run our borough?" "I'm not swanning down from Whitehall." "I'm asking you why you've done less than any other borough to protect the people who elected you?" " Simple." "We can't find the money." " Why don't you try looking for it?" "Oh, that's great!" "Stop school meals, buy no textbooks?" " Turn OAPs out into the cold?" " I can tell you where to find it." " You can?" " Yes." "Tell him, Dr Cartwright." "Scrap the plans for the new exhibition centre with the artificial ski slope and jacuzzi pool." "Close the Feminist Drama Centre, the council's weekly newspaper and magazine and the Welfare Rights Research Department." "You can halve the members' entertainments allowance, sell the Mayor's second Daimler, postpone the building of the new town hall, and cancel the 20 councillors' tourism fact-finding mission to Jamaica." "And close the Gay Bereavement Centre." "That'll save £21 millions on capital account and £750,000 a year on revenue account." "Revenue account." " That's just stupid!" " Why?" "Well, it's depriving the disadvantaged of indispensable services!" " Jacuzzi pools?" " I don't care if we can afford a shelter." "This is a unilateralist borough." "We do not believe in nuclear war." "I don't believe in it either, but the provision of shelters is government policy." "It is not Thames Marsh policy." "Thames Marsh has no quarrel with the USSR." "It's not just the USSR we're frightened of." "It could be the Fre..." " The who?" " The... frigging Chinese!" "If the Russians do invade us, I suppose they'll say," ""Hold on, we're not at war with Thames Marsh." "Right, comrades, let's annex Chelsea instead."" "Excuse me, Minister." "I think you may be interested in..." "Mr Stanley, it appears that you would not be called upon to make the supreme sacrifice." " What do you mean?" " Is there a shelter under the town hall?" "Well, is there?" " We didn't build it!" " You maintain it." " It's only a small one." " And there is a place in it for you?" "I was persuaded, with deep reluctance, that my preservation was a necessity in the interests of the ratepayers of Thames Marsh." "And what provision have you made for other essential persons?" "Doctors, nurses, firemen." "People who might be almost as important as councillors." "One of them's a chemist!" "Great." "Nothing like aspirin for the nuclear holocaust." "Your chap had quite a publicity triumph down at Thames Marsh, didn't he?" " Oh, yes, tremendous." " You don't sound appropriately happy for him." " Trouble is he thinks he's achieved something." " Splendid." "Life is so much easier when ministers think they've achieved something." "Stops them fretting." "No tantrums." "Now he wants to introduce his next idea." "A minister with two ideas." "I can't remember when we last had one of those." "Oh, it's not his own." "He wants to introduce failure standards on all council contracts over £10,000 and make a named official responsible." " Humphrey!" " I know." "Cartwright's idiot scheme!" "I thought Gordon had squashed it." "He's come over to us now." "Slipped the scheme to the minister privately, under plain cover!" "It'll be us next." "Once you specify in advance what a project's supposed to achieve and whose responsibility it is to see that it does, the entire system collapses." "You're into the squalid world of professional management." "I know." "I've tried to explain to him." "I have pointed out that his new responsibilities were for enjoying, not exercising." "I don't know." "We move our officials round every 2 or 3 years to stop this personal responsibility nonsense." "If this happened, we'd be posting everybody once a fortnight." "He must be stopped." "What's his next little publicity trip?" "Well, tomorrow he's living his little triumph over again." "He's recording a TV interview with Ludovic Kennedy." "A documentary on civil defence." "Supposing he had a dossier on the curious ways in which local councillors spend their civil defence budgets." " How would that help?" " I've got an idea." "Perhaps you ought to become a minister!" "Um... just a joke, Arnold." "Stand by, studio." "We're about to record." "A change for a minister to be given a chance to talk about something that's a success." "Most unusual for the BBC." "Is this a change of policy?" "...2... 1." "You've been claiming recently that in your dealings with local authority, you've been making progress as regards civil defence." "Surely this has been more in the field of publicity than any achievement?" "No, no, no, no, Ludo." "Authorities are being made to face up to these issues because of the interest we have generated." "You're agreeing." "Your success has been a publicity success." "Well, yes, but things are changing." " Well, what about Thames Marsh?" " Ah, Thames Marsh." "Good example." "As I said in the press, they have one shelter." "A place in it is reserved for Ben Stanley, council leader, who refuses to build shelters for others." "Don't you think that's hypocritical?" "Surely it's reasonable to expect that one of our elected representatives should survive." " Who is to govern otherwise?" " In the event of a nuclear holocaust - and, of course, we all pray that such a thing will never happen - there are perhaps more important people than mere politicians." "Doctors, nurses, ambulance men, and so on." "All people who run essential services." "Correct me if I'm wrong, but is it not a fact that the PM and Home Secretary have places reserved for them in government fallout shelters?" "That is completely different." "How?" "Well, there has to be someone to... run the... you know." "Minister, you're saying political leaders should give up their places for doctors and nurses." "Have you put this idea to the PM and the Home Secretary?" "I think we ought to be careful not to trivialise what is a very serious issue, Ludovic." "I'll give you another example." "I know of a borough which sent councillors, at the ratepayers' expensive, to California to look at shelters." "But they couldn't do anything about it because they'd spent the entire civil defence budget for three whole years on the trip!" " How shocking." " Shocking." "Thank you, Minister." "By the way, how did the recording go?" "Well, I got into a bit of bother over Ben Stanley's bunker." "I said politicians weren't as important as doctors and so on." "Did you?" "Then he said "What about the PM's place in the government shelter?"" " And what did you say?" " I got out of it." "Quite cleverly, actually." "I'm not too sure how happy the PM will be about it." "Then I recovered with a marvellous story about some councillors who went to California to look at shelters and spent three entire years of the civil defence budget on the jaunt!" " May I ask where that came from?" " Yes." "Where did that come from?" "From the Civil Defence Directorate." "They knew you were doing the interview." "Oh, well." "Anyway, Minister, I'm sure you know what you're doing." "Humphrey... you only say that when I've made an appalling cock-up." "You do know the borough in question contains the PM's constituency and that the PM's election agent was the councillor who led the delegation?" " That was just a joke, wasn't it?" " Number 10 have been trying to keep it quiet." " Oh, well, truth will out." " No, no, no!" "No, no, no, it mustn't out." "It might look like a personal attack." "You know what the PM's like about loyalty." "This interview must not go out." "Well, unfortunately, I haven't the time, I must be going." "Humphrey, I..." "I..." "I..." "I'm ordering you, Humphrey." " Alas, your orders are calling me away." " What do you mean?" "Your scheme for imposing failure standards on local councils is very complex." "You asked for proposals straight away." "It's taking every moment of my time." "Much as I would like to help." "However... if implementing failure standards were not quite so urgent..." "You mean, you can stop this broadcast?" "Now, Minister, we cannot censor the BBC, but I happen to be lunching with the BBC's Director of Policy." " Perhaps you'd care to join us." " But if we can't censor them..." "We could persuade them to withdraw programmes voluntarily once they realise that transmission is not in the public interest." "Well, it's not in MY interest... and I represent the public, so it's not in the public interest." "That's a novel argument." "We haven't tried that on them before." "Have we?" "The BBC cannot give in to government pressure." " Let's leave that on one side..." " No, no!" "Let's leave that on one side, shall we?" "Please, Minister." "Frank, could I raise something else?" "There is considerable disquiet about the BBC's attitude and hostility towards the government." " But that's absurd." " Is it?" "They've been documenting instances of bias in BBC current affairs." "Favourable news stories not reported." "Oh, yes." "Excessive publicity for other countries' cases against Britain." "Especially our Common Market enemies um... partners." "Oh, yes." "Jokes against the Prime Minister." "Unnecessary publicity for anti-government demonstrations." "And ministers' programme suggestions not accepted." " I had no room in my case for the others." " I'm sure we have answers to all these." "The BBC's always got answers." "Silly ones." "Yes, of course." "I thought it fair to warn you that questions are being asked." " What sort of questions?" " Well, for example, were Parliament to be televised, whether it shouldn't be entrusted to ITV." " You can't be serious?" " And whether the BBC administration is making the cuts in jobs and premises that we've endured in government." "Should a select committee scrutinise BBC expenditure?" " That would be an intolerable intrusion." " Well, of course." "Then there's this extraordinary matter of boxes at Ascot, Wimbledon, Lords, Covent Garden." "Ah, yes, those are a technical requirement for the production and engineering staff." "Reports from the Inland Revenue suggest that the production and engineering staff are all holding champagne glasses." "And are all accompanied by their wives or ladies of... equal distinction." "And all bear a remarkable similarity to governors, directors and executives of the Corporation, and their friends." "Oh, I say, you've come out very well." "It is possible we can contain all this criticism, provided the files don't get any larger." "I've urged my minister that there's no need to take up the civil defence issue formally." "But..." "But you must see my position." " The BBC can't give in to government pressure." " We wouldn't want them to." " Wouldn't we?" " No, of course not." "The minister's interview with Ludovic Kennedy did contain factual errors." "Factual errors?" "That's different." "The BBC couldn't give in to government pressure." " Absolutely not." " But we set great store by factual accuracy." "Some of the information might well be out of date by the time..." "Out of date?" "Ah, now, that's serious." "Obviously, the BBC couldn't give in to government pressure." " Oh, indeed not." " But we can't transmit out-of-date material." "And since the recording, I realised that I made one or two slips that might have security implications." " Such as?" " He can't tell you what they are." " Why not?" " Security." "Can't be too careful about security." "If the defence of the realm is at stake, we must be responsible." "Obviously, the BBC couldn't give in to government pressure, but security - you can't be too careful." " Can't be too careful." " Can't be too careful." "If there are inaccuracies and security worries, the BBC wouldn't want to put the interview out." " Precisely." " That puts a different complexion on it." "Transmission would not be in the public's interest, but I must make one thing absolutely clear." "There can be absolutely no question of the BBC ever giving in to government pressure." "Oh, good news, Minister." "The BBC have decided not to send out your interview with Ludovic Kennedy." " Really?" " They felt that was the responsible course." " Well done." " Oh, it was nothing." "Yet, you know, I can't help feeling that I was trapped into saying those things that might've embarrassed the PM." " Surely not?" " Yes." " I think I was dropped right in it." " How could you think such a ridiculous thought?" "Why is it ridiculous to imagine that he would've tried to trap me?" "Who?" "Ludovic Kennedy." "Oh, Ludovic Kennedy tried to trap you." "Yes, well, I'm sure he did." " Deceitful crowd, the media." "Underhand." " No, thoroughly deceitful." "By the way, I think it might be wise to lay off the local councils." "Oh, yes?" "After all, councillors are responsible, sensible people on the whole." " And they are democratically elected." " Democratically elected." "Central government must be frightfully careful before it tells them how to do their jobs." "Frightfully careful." "And the failure standards?" "Well, I think the same applies... don't you?" "Yes, Minister."