"ENNUI" "I've always known I'd die in a crash without knowing I had, or meaning to, as if the road was make-beIieve and I was oblivious to the death-bearing walls, trees, houses that lie in wait." "Ah, Sophie!" "Martin." " Who are all those people?" " My friends." "Have you had time to make so many?" "Contrary to what you think, the world is full of nice people." "Here." "Agnis is dying to meet you." "This is embarrassing." "But yes, I am a fan." "Never mind if I sound like a groupie." "I really worked to get on your course, I've read all your writing." "It's brilliant, it makes me feel intelligent." "You'II think this is flattery but I mean it, I have to say so." " You're not listening." " Yes, yes." "You're very kind." "No I am not, I am sincere." "You just stand there totally remote." "Martin, what are you doing?" "Have you seen Sophie?" " She says you've a book on." " I wish she wouldn't." " Won't you discuss it?" " I've not started." " You must have a theme." " I won't discuss it." " That Jean-PauI...?" " Want to meet him?" "No, no thanks." "What's wrong?" "Are you all right?" "I don't know, I feel unwell." "What about Agnis?" "Pretty, isn't she?" "So what?" "I reckon she's yours." "Don't matchmake, it doesn't suit you." "I mean it, she's great." "Stop looking so pleased, it's unbearable." "What a spoilsport." "I'm really happy tonight, you won't ruin it." "Are you a friend of Sophie's?" "No." "Why?" "Nothing." "Never mind." "You do look happy." "The thing is" "Jean-PauI and I have gone through an unbelievable experience." "What?" "We never thought it wouId happen," " it's something..." " What?" "I can't tell you now." "Let's just say" "I've never felt that with anyone before." "Not even me?" "definitely not you." "He hit me." "Hit me, knocked me about, as you please..." "I felt an incredible surge of love." "Shut up!" "Shut up!" "I don't care!" "Is there any champagne left?" "Maybe some beer, in the bottom." "This is Jean-PauI." "I was expecting you to be different." "What did she say ?" "We never discuss you." "Aren't you obsessed with me?" "I think I've dealt with you." "Fine, I see!" "We're really made for each other!" "Wait, wait..." "Excuse me." "Jean-PauI's got an odd sense of humour." "That's not all that's odd." "You've hit the jackpot." " I'm off." " OK." "The only person I wanted to see was you but I see I can't." "I tried, but I can't get into the swing." "pleasure does not cause pleasurable acts which can happen without pleasure." "pleasure completes the act, as an extra without which the act would not be perfect." "AristotIe says men in their prime contain the vigour of youth." "Perfect pleasure is a luxury and the attraction of pleasure is a love of the act." "As Kant says, to finish," ""the addition of pleasure makes the act a bonum consumatum"." "You are in perfect health." "Are you sure?" "What is wrong?" "Everything." "You do seem jittery." "I am, I'm jittery." "You should see a psychiatrist..." "No, no psychiatrist, I'm a philosopher." "Psychiatrists are too rational." "well..." "Find a young lady, take her on a trip." "I can't, I need my energy for my work." "I have to finish my book," "I have given up love." "really?" "Yes, I need sublimation." "Freud is very good on that." "Is he?" "He says certain acts that seem unrelated to sex are motivated by sexual compulsion, specially intellectual or artistic acts." "A man without sublimation is pathetic, a lunatic with a tyrannical penis and a tiny brain." "Do you want a drink?" "No thanks." "You feeling low?" "No, I'm fine." "I haven't made love for 6 months." "I'm sorry I've lost my wallet." "Sure!" "It's OK, I'II get some cash." "I've heard that one before." "problem?" "Of course not!" "I can't pay!" "I'II fetch some money from home and be right back." " How much does he owe you?" " None of your business." "I'II pay his bill." "Was it you who paid?" "Yes." " Take it." " No." "Take it." "It's not worth much money but it means a Iot to me." "If it means so much, keep it!" "till I can pay you back." "My address is there." " Sure you're OK?" " I'm fine." "You've given me a bond, have a drink." "A drink?" "I don't like to waste time." "AII I do is work." "The address is there." "I'm looking for LeopoId Meyers." " The painter?" " Yes." "Is it in the courtyard?" "It was in the courtyard." "Has he moved?" "No." "He died." "Died?" "He can't." "I met him three days ago." "Maybe, he died yesterday afternoon." "suddenly." "really?" "He died at a special moment." "Meaning?" "He was making love with a very young girl." "Oh really?" "The doctor says it wasn't normal love." "According to him, she killed him." "I was just getting my stuff before they clear the place." "I was his model, I had the key." "That's how I got in." "I'II be off." "Did you come often?" "nearly everyday." "When did he die?" "Yesterday afternoon." "Were you there?" "Yes, he had an attack while I was posing." "Was he doing a portrait?" "Where's the canvas?" "There's this one." "It's not a good likeness." "How can you tell?" "The body is different." "well it's mine, that's how I am." "It may be exaggerated, but that's how I really am." "There's only the one." "No, this is me and this." "And that one." "He was always doing me, I had to sit for hours." "A Iot of trouble considering." " Why?" " It's very bad painting." "I know nothing about painting." "really, he was just obsessed." " Obsessed?" " Obsessed with sex." "definitely." "I want to go." "When he died you were making love?" "Yes." "Where?" "Up in the bedroom." "I'd Iike to see it." "Can I?" "Of course." "This is it." "How long had you known him?" "Two years." "How old are you?" "17." "tell me how you met." " Why?" " Because I'm interested." " We met at a friend's." " Named?" " EIise." " And you are?" "cecilia." "What was he doing at this friend's?" "Teaching her drawing." "Did he teach you too?" "Did you hear me?" "Why do you want to know this?" "Let's say you interest me." "One day I asked for a lesson but he refused." "really?" "Why?" "at first I thought he didn't want me to see his place so I suggested mine, but he still refused." "Why did you want lessons so badly?" "Why?" "I was in love with him." "And he ignored you." "He didn't fancy me." "well?" "Two months went by, it was terrible, I was in love." " In the end, I tricked him." " Tricked him?" "I knew EIise was coming here" "I told a friend to ask her out and I came in her stead." "How did he feel about it?" "He tried to send me away, then he got nicer." "And you made love?" "How did you guess?" "Why didn't he want you at first?" "He didn't fancy me, I told you." "Maybe he was scared." "Why scared?" "Because he knew he would fall in love with you." "Love is frightening." " I am not scared." " Of what?" "Love." "He could have been your father's father, why fall for him?" "There's no why to love." "You just love." "There's a why to everything." "I was attracted to him." "Why?" "He was like my Dad, I used to have a crush on my Dad." "A crush?" "I dreamt about him at night." "So Meyers fell in love with you." "Yes." "Very much in love?" "Yes." "Why?" "I don't know." "What did he say?" "Sometimes he cried." "He cried?" "He'd take his head in his hands and cry." "Didn't you know why?" " Didn't he say?" " No." "He just cried, without a word." "No, he always spoke." "Like what?" "Like he couldn't live without me." "He wanted to but he couldn't." "He never said he wanted to." "In fact, when I wanted to leave, he tried to kill himself." "really?" "How?" "pills, sleeping pills he took." "Was he insomniac?" "Some nights he only slept an hour or two." "Because of you?" "He said everything was because of me." "How so?" "Why are you asking all this?" "Because I am intrigued by your story." "How?" "I don't know, that's why I'm asking," "I'm asking because I want to know." "Why was everything your fault?" "He needed me more and more." "How did he need you more?" " In every way." " In that you made love?" " Yes." " Often?" "At first once or twice a week, then every day then two or three times a day." " By the end I stopped counting." " Why?" "He wanted it all the time." "He was never satisfied?" "No, but he got tired." "Sometimes, he'd feel unwell but he couldn't get enough." "Did you Iike that?" "A woman always likes to see a man loves her." "You don't think it was sheer vice?" "No, he loved me." "How can you be sure?" " One knows." " Is that all?" "No but he wanted to marry me." "Wasn't he married?" " He'd have divorced." " would you've accepted?" "No." "Why not?" "Why not?" "Because I didn't love him." "I thought you were madly in love." "only at first." "So now he meant little or nothing, you meant everything or nearly." "Is that it?" "Yes, that's it." "He often said, "You are everything."" "Why are you smiling?" "I'm not smiling." "Yes you are, you're looking knowingly." "tell me it isn't true." "You're trying to tell me you're open to me as you were to Meyers." "tell me I'm wrong." "I assume I am not wrong." "You're offering yourself as an object." "Take this chair, it doesn't have your eyes, breasts, hips, but it is offered me as you are, innocently." "Yet I must reject it, it is nothing to me, there's no relationship." "You can make a relationship." "In theory, yes." "But, how can I say?" "The only relationship I can have with a woman is nothing, such as exists between us or rather does not exist." "We've only known each other haIf-an-hour." "That changes nothing." "I'm impotent if you Iike." "I'm not, actually, but it is as if I were." "You must think I am." "What are you doing?" "I'm going." "I'm sorry, I'm late." "Right, I'm listening." "What can I do?" "I am unable to continue teaching, I need a sabbatical." "You want to do some research?" "I need some time, I want to write a book." "I didn't know you wrote." "It's not yet written, I've got notes, I need to work." "What is it about?" "It's hard to summarize." " Is it in your field?" " Meaning what?" "Is it philosophy?" "Everything is philosophy." "Yes quite, and why not?" "It can be a change of field." "Put in an application, I'II..." "I can't wait till next year." "I can't continue, it is beyond me." "Why the hurry?" "The fact is that for some time, for six months my wife and I separated," "I've realized I can't stand myself," "I have no patience with books, films..." "I can't concentrate, not even on music..." "I want to see no one, yet I can't stay alone," "I can't stay at home, I can't go out," "I can't sleep," "I want to work but I can't, there's nothing... except revulsion." "I even thought I wanted to die." "It's not a sabbatical you need." "You need a doctor, a specialist." "Do you think?" "If it's urgent, take time off..." "I won't get paid!" "Do you know what's special about you?" "You're punctual." "That's very special." "cecilia." "Can I talk to you?" "Why?" "I need to, after, I have to talk or I worry." "talk then." "Did Meyers say why he loved you?" "Meyers again." "Let's talk about something else." "What would you Iike?" "I don't know." "Why not Meyers, then?" "Since I'm interested." "What do you need to know?" "Did he say why he loved you?" "No, he just did." "There's always a deeper reason." "Meyers was crazy about you." "You said so yourself, you were his vice." "Why this mania?" "I don't know." "You don't seem the kind of woman to inspire grand passion." "That's true." "And if I can speak my mind, now I know you," "I'm surprised, disappointed." "From what you said, I thought you'd be a daunting woman, a woman to destroy a man." "You seem very ordinary." "You'd make a great wife." "Think so?" "Yes, I do." "Me too, actually." "So why Meyers' passion for you?" "I can't explain." "Try, please." "I can't, that's how it was." "Meaning?" "Ask me a proper question, I'II answer." "A proper question?" "You always ask about feelings or thoughts." "I never know what to say." "For instance..." "Did Meyers know that your relationship was bad for his health?" "Yes." "And what did he say?" "He said, "I'II die of this."" "Then he added, "It doesn't matter."" ""It doesn't matter"?" "One day, we were making love..." "He said, "Carry on, don't mind me," ""even if I protest, even if I feel unwell," ""and I die, really die."" "He loved you because you made him die." "He committed suicide with you, a successful attempt, in full knowledge." "Maybe you're right." "One can know stuff but one can't escape one's fate." "I have to go." "Good." "I have to work." "Martin, stop being so listless and lifeless, stop enjoying your depression." "Abstinence is turning you sour." "Give it up." "I have done." "really?" "Do I know her?" "No, I met her in odd circumstances, a few weeks ago." "really?" "You must be pleased." "You're quite wrong, I don't like her at all." "She's totally uninteresting, I'm trying to get rid of her." "Why?" "Is she ugly?" "Not particularly." "Is she stupid then?" "No." "Not at all." "She never says anything stupid." "It's complicated." "She bores me, I have no contact with her." "Or rather only physical contact." "Why complain?" "That's not so bad." "You can't imagine how basic she is, she has no conversation." "When she speaks, she sounds silent." "Her only means of expression is sexual." "Sometimes, when she's lying there, legs apart," "I find her cunt more expressive than her mouth." "Yet, oddly, she is not sensual, she's only frenetic and avid." "When she kisses,her lips are flaccid, cold, inert but her cunt is hard-hitting, domineering." "When we make love... her belly moves powerfully, rhythmically, Iike a machine, she is unstoppable." "She goes at me, goes at herself, to make me come, make herself come, to the Iast spasm." "After orgasm, then... her face is calm, expressionless." "She smiles like she does not see me." "It's not coldness, not detachment, it's something else." "Listen, you're lying, she doesn't exist." "Hey!" "Taxi!" "Come quick." "hold me tight." "Can you close the curtain?" "Why?" "I can't make love in the light." "Sorry, could you close the bedroom door?" "I can't make love with the door open." "You're so complicated!" "Sorry, could you unhook the phone?" "Yesterday it rang at a climax and though I didn't reply, it spoilt it." "Third time lucky." "Just one more thing, please." "Grab my cigarettes, on the desk." "I Iove, I Iove to make love... here!" "And the matches?" "As I am up is there anything else?" "Yes, now you mention it." "Go and switch the gas off in the kitchen." "And?" "Put some music on." "The radio, not too loud." "What is it?" "Why won't you do as I say?" "Just those two things, or is there more?" "Just those two." "I'm sorry." "No, I'm sorry but... you must get up again." "I need an ashtray." "I hate ash on the floor." "I'm sorry." " See you tomorrow." " Yes." "cecilia's just left." "I'm so ashamed." "What is it?" "I was cruel to her." "Sometimes she seems vacuous and opaque like an object." "I bring her to life by making her suffer, by tormenting her." "cruelty is repulsive, it's weak." " You are weak." " How so?" "Nothing, I didn't mean it." "I called for some comfort, not for sarcasm, I'm hanging up." "Fine." "Wait, I need your help." "She is making me a sadist, because she bores me." "I have to leave her." "I don't want to hurt her, she loves me." "How do you know she loves you?" "I feel it." "If I were you, I'd be careful." "How can I make a break-up less humiliating?" "Maybe..." "A gift." "I was passing by." "I tried to call." " You don't look pleased." " I am." "But what's the time?" "Noon." "Can we have lunch?" "OK, a quick one." "I'm in a rush." "Jean-PauI and I..." "What?" "We've broken up." "Do you know what he did?" "I hardly got through the door, he slapped me." "Not the first time, I think." "Before it was out of love." "This was a hateful slap." "I felt it immediately, I scratched him." " A hateful slap?" " Sure." "Love and hate are things you feel." "Anyway he admitted he'd started hating me." "So we decided to separate." "That was good." "What do you mean?" "well of course..." "What time is it?" "12.22" "Right, I'm off." "No, listen... you're joking, we haven't begun." "I told you I had not much time." "We'II meet one evening and talk." "Sorry, I've an appointment." "With CeciIia, I expect." "I thought you'd left her." "I'm going to today." "actually, I did ages ago." "I'm not sure I follow." "I told you, we have no contact." "Except sexual contact." "You're too down-to-earth." "I'm off." "At last." "I didn't call this morning, my telephone was out of order." "Are we meeting?" "Same time?" "Why didn't you come yesterday?" " I couldn't." " Why not?" "I was busy." "Fine." "See you later." "If a woman stands you up, does it mean she doesn't love you?" "Not necessarily." "Waiter!" "If a woman never says she loves, can she still be in love?" " And vice-versa." " Vice-versa?" "Vice-versa." "Excuse me..." "If a woman enjoys sleeping with a man is it that she is in love?" "definitely." "Can you tell me the time?" "My watch has stopped." "It's two." "Two!" "I feel time has stopped today." "First, I have to tell you something." "No, kiss me first." "tell me." "We can't see each other everyday anymore only twice a week." "really?" "Why?" "Don't get excited." "I am not getting excited, I want to know why." "My folks are complaining I'm out everyday." "Didn't you tell them you were doing drawing again?" "Yes but twice a week." "I have to find excuses for the other days." "Your parents didn't mind your seeing Meyers everyday." "Meyers was over sixty." "They knew him, they weren't suspicious." "well introduce me then." "Fine, till then it's twice a week." "tell the truth, you don't want to see me." "That's nothing to do with it." "I'm only saying it's twice a week from now on." "You want us to break up, you won't admit it." "You say twice a week, tomorrow it'II be twice a month." "You'II admit it in the end." "Admit what?" "As you wish." "It's twice a week from now on." "Let's change the subject." "What's wrong?" "You look cross." "Let's change the conversation." "I walked right by you, you didn't notice." "really?" "Where?" "By the town hall, outside the park." "At what time?" "About two." "I was with an actor friend." "What's his name?" "Momo." "That isn't a name." "It's what I call him." "You seemed very intimate." "From your walk." " What walk?" " Get up." " Why?" " Get up!" "He always walks like that." "Have you known him long, Momo?" "Two weeks." "Do you see him much?" "occasionally." "Did you have an appointment?" "Yes, he wants me to go into films." "And?" "Are you?" "I don't know yet." "Then what?" "Where did you go?" "To have a coffee." "And after that?" "We went to the park, till I came here." " Do you want to make love?" " No, I want to know the truth." " What truth?" " The truth." " Any truth!" " I don't understand you." "Yesterday you didn't show." "Today, you want to come less often." "What's behind all this?" "I said, my parents are cross." "Do you really mind not seeing me everyday?" "Yes." "well forget what I said." "We'II meet everyday." "We'II have to be more careful, we'II meet at different times." "I'II call every morning to fix a time." "Happy now?" "Yes." "Thank you." "If you Iike we can meet 4 times a week instead of 7." "No, everyday." "I'II find excuses." "Did you think I was cheating on you with Momo?" "It was wonderful today." "Isn't it always?" "No it's different every time." "Today was wonderful." "Why?" "You can't say." " Know how often I came?" " How often?" "Three times." "Don't you always?" "No." "Did Meyers really die making love?" "Why do you want to know?" "I want to." "well?" "He had an attack making love but he died later." "You're lying." "It's the truth." "I was terrified." "I thought he'd died." "luckily he came round." "I got him into bed." " Weren't you on the bed?" " No." "Where were you?" "You're so curious!" "Where were you?" "On the stairs." "He wanted to make love all the time." "Did you cheat on Meyers?" "There you go again!" "Answer, please!" "Did you?" "occasionally." "He was so dull." "Meaning?" "dull." "I have to go." "Right, now I have to go." "Look in the room, there's a present for you." "For me!" "Thank you." "Stop, stop, I have to go." " You're sulking again." "What is it?" " Nothing." "So have you managed to leave her?" "No, she didn't come to the meeting." "You must have felt silly with the present." "Do you think I'm dull?" "Why?" "I think CeciIia's cheating on me because I'm dull." "I thought it was you that found her dull." "True..." "I do find her dull." "It sounds dodgy to me." "The more I take her, the less I own her." "Making love so often uses up the energy I'd need to possess her." "You are off your head, you really are." "I don't feel like a movie, Iet's go eat." "I'm going to the movies." "Do as you wish." "Did Meyers go to your place often?" " nearly everyday." " What for?" "Lunch, or for a coffee." "Did you make love at your place?" "Sometimes." " Where?" " I don't know." "Try and remember." "Once, in the kitchen." "In the kitchen!" "CouIdn't you in the bedroom?" "When he wanted it, he did it on the spot." "Don't forget it's my lesson today, after lunch we're going to you." "Why should I say that?" "You must do the washing-up." "I'II do it all tonight, and yesterday's." "And the day before's?" "Mummy, this is my teacher." "I'm sorry, pleased to meet you." "I didn't know your teacher had come." "Show him into the sitting-room." "Have you forgotten my surname?" "No!" "I don't know it!" "You're Martin..." "I never thought to ask." "What is your name?" "Never mind." "I feel unspeakable today." "As you please." "Daddy, this is my drawing-master." "I don't speak." "Sit here with my father, I'II lay the table." "How do you do?" "He says he's not deaf, don't shout." "I'm sorry, I was asking, how do you do?" "He says when there's a Iot of wind, the days seem even longer." "Are you not working?" "He says, he can't work right now, he will when he improves." "Are you under treatment?" "He's doing X-rays and hopes to be better within a year." "We're ready." "Do sit down." "You knew Professor Meyers, did you not?" "I did, a little." "He was so nice, so friendly and clever." "I was so upset when he died." "Yes, he was still young." "exactly 65." "He looked 50." "We'd only known him 2 years, but he was like family." "He was fond of CeciIia, she was like a daughter to him." " Granddaughter." " Yes." "He wouldn't take money for the lessons." ""intelligence is free" he'd say." "Perhaps I should give free lessons too." "That's different." "He was specially fond of her." " Did he come often?" " nearly everyday." "He had a place at table." "Not that he was indelicate, he was always trying to repay us." "He'd share expenses, send cakes, wine, flowers." "He'd say, you are like family." "Poor man, he was separated." "He lived alone." "Pass your plate." "Write, he does not understand." "He won't write, he is not dumb." "Strangers don't understand you." "He'd do better writing." "He says Meyers was disIikeabIe." "One wonders why." "He said Meyers was overfamiIiar." "My husband is absurd." "Did you understand?" "He says Meyers was seducing me." "Meyers used to compliment me, he played the suitor, it went no further." " Excuse me." " Yes." "There you are." "Move over, I need to do my hair." " What does your father do all day?" " Nothing." "Nothing?" "How so?" " Nothing." "That's all." " No one does nothing." "He sits in a chair, listens to the radio." " What's wrong?" " Cancer." "What do the doctors say?" "That he's got cancer." "Do they say he'II get better?" "No." "So he'II die." "Yes, soon he'II be dead." " Are you upset?" " Yes." "Is that all you can say?" "What else can I say?" "I fear the doctors are right." " Meaning?" " He'II soon be dead." "Yes." "They say he'II soon be dead." "What'II you do?" "What'II we what?" "What will you live off?" "Same as now." "What do you live off?" " We have a shop." " A shop!" "You never said." "You never asked." " Is it profitable?" " No." "It is not." "Do you ever think about death?" "No, I never do." " Even when you see your father?" " No." "Anyone else would." "I'm fine." "Why think about death?" "There's others too." "well, maybe." "Are you not sure?" "Yes." "And does your father think about death?" " Is he frightened?" " And how!" " So he knows he's dying." " No, he doesn't." " Do you never worry about it?" " About what?" "His dying." "As long as he's alive I only think about that." "Do you know I want you?" "I noticed." "Come on, I'II get changed." "Your mother's very like you." "Yes." "physically." "What about temperament?" "What do you mean?" "Is she nice, mean, calm, nervous?" "What's she like?" "She's like nothing." "well she knew about Meyers." "No she didn't." "well why didn't she give me your father's exact words?" "What words?" "Do you think I didn't notice?" "Your father said he didn't like Meyers because he chased you." "Your mother tried to make me think it was her he was chasing." "Yes." "Why did she want me to think Meyers was after her?" " Because it was true." " What was true?" "That Meyers was after her." "I asked him to, so she wouldn't see he was in love." "Very clever." "Come on." "Are we going to my place?" " I'm expecting a call." " So what?" "It depends on the call." "Who's calling?" "A producer, for a meeting." "tell the truth, it's the actor." " What actor?" " Momo." "I saw him yesterday, I can't see him everyday." "He took me to the producer's but he was busy." "He's to call now." "Momo's to call." "Why not say so?" "I can, but it's not true." "Can I reply for you?" "If you Iike." "There's no need, I don't need proof." "I only want you to know one thing." "What?" "I don't want you to love me." "I want you to tell the truth." "The truth is I'm not seeing Momo today." "But if you want I'II say I am." "AII right." "AII right." "Goodbye." "Come on." "I'm in a rush, I have to see this producer." "If you want us to make love, Iet's do it now." "No." " Why not?" " I don't like fast." "Why fast?" "We'II do as usual, but I'II have to rush off." "No, I said!" "Can you take me?" "You get me to bring you to your lover's because you can't face the bus." "If only you were cruel or perverse, but you're only insensitive." "Do you want to know why I wouldn't make love?" "Yes." "Because I wanted for once not to be like Meyers." "Stop!" "It's here!" "Bye!" "Who did you call?" "The line's been busy." " A girlfriend." " What girlfriend?" "valentine." "valentine what?" "valentine Voboronsky." "could I speak to valentine, please?" " She's out." " Since when?" "She left early this morning." "Who wants to know?" "You lied." "What did I say?" "You said valentine called you, she's been out all day." "So what?" "She was in a callbox." "I hadn't thought of that." "I've really lost it." "It looks like that." "I spend days by the phone waiting for your call, when it rings I'm a wreck, in case you're out or you lie..." "Do you know my phone rings at noon everyday and there you are like a secretary with our appointment?" "See you tomorrow." "I'm so pleased you're there." "It's been a while." "How are you?" "Not well." "Not at all." " Your voice is shaking." " CeciIia's cheating on me." "Are you sure?" "No, I'm not!" "I can't tell." "I try and identify her movements, I keep thinking she's lying." "I can't even tell truth from lies." "Is there any point knowing the truth?" "It's the only way I can kill my love." "It is love, I have to admit it." "I'm so tired." "Detach yourself." "She's cheating on me!" "How can I detach myself?" "I have to watch her, I have to see with my own eyes." "Oh no, don't do that." "I have to, there's no choice." " It'II be humiliating." " I don't care." "Why don't you ever listen?" "Because it's useless, you don't understand." "Fine, well don't call anymore!" "You again!" "What do you want?" "I've thought, I must see you." "No way." " Why not?" " I can't." "Are you going to the producer's?" " Is that it?" " See you tomorrow." " Can I talk to cecilia?" " She's out." " When?" " Fifteen minutes ago." "She was meeting her actor friend who's meant to be getting her into film." "They're seeing an important producer." "Do you think she's got the makings of a star?" "definitely, yes." "Do you mind if I take your place?" "No, please do." "Thank you." "would you Iike a coffee?" "That's very nice." "Another coffee please." "What'II it be?" "Nothing thanks." "Yes, is CeciIia home yet?" "cecilia's out." "Are you sure?" "Have you checked the apartment?" "Of course I am!" "She must have arrived before me, or she's already left." "Thanks a Iot." "hello, yes..." "Just a minute." "It's for you." "OK, the usual." "Fine." "What is it now?" "What's so funny?" "I told you, it's none of your business." "Hurry up, wash those glasses." "Does she give good head?" "Bastard!" "Do you see a Iot of Momo?" "occasionally." "So you know him well?" "Yeah, I know him well." " What do you think?" " Meaning?" "What do you think of him?" "What do you reckon?" "I don't." "Why should I?" "OK but how do you see him?" "What's he like?" "Nice." "Is that all?" "Yes." "He's nice." "That's all." "well I'm nice, your father's nice..." "Being nice is meaningless." "What am I meant to say?" "His strengths and weaknesses." "Is he kind, mean, clever, stupid?" "Stingy, generous?" "I don't know." "Anything." "Won't you speak?" "I've nothing to say." "I haven't thought." "well have you seen I've moved the bed?" "Yes." "So you see the bed?" "Why shouldn't I?" "How come you see the bed and not what your actor is like?" "You see beds,not what people are like." " I'm told he's no good." " I wouldn't know." " How old is he?" " I don't know." "Is he older or younger than me?" "Maybe younger." "By at Ieast 10 years." "Does he have a father, mother, siblings?" "I'm sure, we don't talk about it." "What do you talk about?" "Lots of things." "Like what?" "I don't know." "We just talk." "I can remember every one of our talks." "I can't remember anything." "If you had to describe him, what would you say?" "No one's forcing me so I don't have to." "I'II tell you, he's tail, athletic, dark-eyed, his hair's yellow, his hands are big, his shoulders small." "He looks vain." "What does vain mean?" "It means stupid." "You're right, his hands are big, his shoulders are small, now you mention it, I remember." "If I hadn't, you wouldn't." "I'm not Iike you, I don't see the detail." "I only see if they're nice or not." "What do you think of me?" "Tons of stuff." "really?" "Like what?" "I don't know." "Tons of stuff." "Just say one." "Maybe because you're asking, I can't think." "Of course." "I feel I can't think at all." "Not at all?" "No." "But you said you thought lots of things." "I know, I made a mistake." "Don't you mind not thinking about the man you're making love with?" "No, why?" "Why think something?" "I'm going." "Take me home, I'm late." "Sophie, my mind's empty." "cecilia's escaping me, I can't possess her." "My spirit's empty because reality escapes me, cecilia and reality the words are linked, I know." "They sound ever weaker in my mind." "Excuse me, do you know the time?" " What?" " The time?" "Go on, out you come..." "Out!" "Go on my beauty, out!" "I'II pluck you Iike a flower." "Get in!" " What are you doing here?" " And you?" "I've been to the producer's, he lives there..." "What's he called?" "Surname." "First name." "Quick!" "Leon Gayard." "Where's he live?" "What floor?" "What number?" "115 rue MéniImontant, fourth floor." "I saw you leave, you weren't alone." " Momo and I went together." " What for?" " About a job." " What job?" "A film." "What's it called?" "He didn't say." " Where did you see him?" " In the sitting-room." "Describe it, furniture, the apartment, quick!" "Like any other sitting-room." "Such as..." "well there were tables, chairs, sofas." "What colour sofas?" "I didn't notice." "I see... what colour are Momo's shorts?" "Did you check?" "I knew you'd start insinuating things again." "There's no Gayard at 115 MéniImontant." "His number's not in the book." "But there's a Momo, Maurice Mayard." "There couldn't be." "Look." "What a coincidence." "They share an address." "Yes, Leon lives on the 4th and Momo on the 1st floor." "Right, Iet's go see this Léon Gayard, we'II see if he lives there." " It's true." " What's true?" "Momo and I are together." "Together?" "How so?" "I know you're together sometimes." "We make love." " Just like that." " What else can I say?" "Why did you do it?" "Because I enjoyed it." "Do you know you shouldn't?" "Why shouldn't I?" "You can't cheat on a man you love, you've often said you love me." "I do but I Iove Momo too." "So for your enjoyment you'II go with anyone, a painter, an actor, a mechanic." "You're like a hungry beast, you're his, you're mine, our semen mixes in your belly." " Know what that means?" " No." "You're a whore." "Do you realize how that changes things?" "Why won't you speak?" " I've nothing to say." " You're a whore!" "You let me call you whore." "Where are you going?" " I'm leaving." " Where to?" "We'd better not see each other." "No, wait, we haven't spoken." "Why bother speak?" "We're too different." "Stay with me." "Take me home." "What are you doing?" " I want to make love one more time." " It's over." "Stay with me." "Bitch!" "I'm right downstairs." "Can I come up?" " No." " Are you with someone?" "several people." " Are you OK?" " Fine." "Why?" "Are you annoyed?" "I'm fed up with everything and everyone." "What's wrong?" "I'm becoming a misanthrope." "Misanthropes have high hopes, they're always disappointed." "A dream of murder once a day helps keep the psychiatrist away." "That's cheerful." "Shit!" "What a surprise!" "How are you?" " I'm Martin." " Pierre." " Have you eaten?" " No." "Want a drink?" "Sure, thanks." "How's your book doing?" "My book?" "I think I see the end." "will we read it soon?" "I've lost a Iot of time, but now I'II start living again" "I'II get down to work." "Why?" "What's happened?" "I got too involved with someone." "I couldn't concentrate, I was possessed, my mind went dead." "I watched her daily but I never saw her leaving the actor's," "I ended up thinking she was invisible." " What actor?" " Her lover." "Waiting was horrible, I was waiting for her to stop making love, every minute I pictured the scene inside, she takes off her jumper, naked, goes to the bed," "she's on him, she comes." "You can't predict feelings." "I kept imagining her with him." "When I finally did see them together," "I never thought I couId suffer so much." "We have to go." "Is he chasing you away?" "Not at all." "It was lovely to see you again." "Are you going too?" "I'II grab a lift with them." "No, I can take you home." "What about you?" " Me?" " Are you going?" "No." "I'm off then." " CeciIia's got a lover." " So I gathered." "I still want her, even more." "naturally." "Don't despise her, she isn't like us." "So now you'II share her." "No, it's over." "She can keep her actor." "It won't last anyway." "You should see his yellow hair." "I'm sleepy." "please leave." "I can't stay alone." "Can I sleep here?" "No." "What?" "I can't go home." "I need to speak to you." "About CeciIia?" "I've had it with her." " Why do you hate her?" " I don't." "I'm uninterested, I don't know her." "But look at you, you're a wreck." "Hug me, hug me in your arms." "No!" "Get out of here." "I can't believe this!" "Get the hell out!" "Can I speak to cecilia?" "cecilia?" " Is she out?" " She's asleep." "Why?" "What time is it?" "Can you wake her?" "I must speak to her." "Do we have to break up?" "We can carry on if you Iike." "Why would you want to?" "I'm used to you." "And if I say leave Momo?" "No." "You could sound less firm." "I'm sorry." "You want us both." "I can't help it, I Iike having you both." "So I have to share you." "What difference does it make?" "I'II still come as before." "You can't love two men." "Yes I can." "Nice dress." "Thanks." "You look all happy." "I'm happy because I'm with you." "Thank you very much." "What shall we do?" "Let's walk a while." "What's wrong?" "Why say nothing?" "I want you too badly." "You always do." " Don't you Iike that?" " I didn't mean that." "Let's go to my place." "What's wrong?" "What's the matter?" "I forgot, I can't make love today." "Why not?" " Tummy ache." " Liar." "Now do you believe me?" "With you, everything's always true." "Why didn't you say so?" "We're spending all day together." "Did you see him yesterday?" " Who?" " Who else?" "Yes, I did." "Did you make love?" "You know that means we made love." "Did you do it a Iot?" "Same as usual." "What do you feel when he takes you?" "One can't explain." "Is it better than with me?" "I don't know." "Why don't you?" " I haven't thought." " well try, please." "I sense he loves me." "And with me?" "With you too." "Do you Iike it more or less?" "Do you enjoy it?" "AII women like to feel loved." "Do you Iike it more or less with me?" "It's different." "OK, I've got it." "What's the matter?" "There's no point talking." "tell me, if you couldn't see Momo, would you feel the lack?" "It's never happened." "How can I know?" "Just try to imagine." "Yes, I think I would." "And if you couldn't see me?" "Imagine." "I remember when you said we'd break up, I felt sorry." "Very sorry?" "How can you measure sorrow?" "Yes, I think so." "Do you love him or me more?" "You're different." "Have you paid for your drinks?" " Where are you going?" "To Momo's?" " Yes." "Right now?" "No, in haIf-an-hour." "So stay here a bit." " Did you go out?" " Yes." " Where?" " To a restaurant." "What did you talk about?" "I can't remember." "Try." "It was only yesterday." "You know I have no memory, I don't know what you said 5 minutes ago." "When he was speaking, did you hold hands?" "Yes, how did you guess?" "Did your knees touch under the table?" "definitely not." "We were side-by-side." "Did he caress you too?" "He caressed my cheek and kissed my neck." "You don't recall words, but caresses you do." "I remember I didn't want to." "What!" "You had a fight!" "No but he's always forcing me." "Like what?" "If I say, you'II get cross." "No, go on, I won't." "He wanted me to hold his hand you know where." "Yes." "And?" "I did for a bit, then I stopped." " What's wrong?" " Nothing." "Go on." "That's it." "That's it?" "Oh and he got musicians to sing for me." "Do you Iike being sung to?" " I think so." " Do you or don't you?" "well, do you or don't you?" "In restaurants, but not while I'm asleep." "He bought you a pIastic-wrapped rose like they sell in restaurants." "Yes, how did you know?" "I want a pancake." "I'd Iike a sugar pancake." "Want one?" "After dinner, what did you do?" "We went to the movies." " Did you hold hands?" " Yes." " Did you kiss?" " Yes." " Did you make love?" " Yes." "You made love in a cinema!" "So?" "We were at the back, it was nearly empty." "How did you make it?" "I climbed onto his lap." "Then what?" "Nothing... he took me home." "By car?" " He doesn't have one." " Has he no money?" "Just now, because he's not working." "Do you give him some?" "Sometimes." "Do you give him my money?" "Yes, what you give me." "Last night, did you pay?" "Yes." "When he took you home, did you do it again?" "A bit." "At the door." "What's a bit?" "We didn't finish." "Then what?" "I went to bed." " Thinking of him?" " No." "What did you think about?" "You." "Me?" "I thought about you till I fell asleep." " Do you Iike us discussing you?" " No." " Why not?" " I don't know." "I ask all these questions, you must find me dull?" "Yes." "Do you ever hate me?" "No, but I long for you to finish." "What do you feel?" "I don't want to reply, I want to lie to please you." "Do you ever invent anything?" "Maybe sometimes I do." "When?" "I said maybe." "I don't know." "Try to remember." "I don't know." "Anyway I only lie when I really have to." " When?" " I don't know." "When do you have to lie?" "I don't know." "Don't you know you mustn't lie?" " Why not?" " Because no one will believe you." "I gave you 200 francs." "I saw." "I haven't given you any for ages." "I saw." "Are you surprised?" "By what?" "That I haven't been giving you any?" "I thought you'd run short." "I had, but you might have thought." "Everyone runs short sometimes." "Suppose I never give you any anymore." "You did today." "Why bother about the future?" "Suppose I give you no more." "would you still come?" "Didn't I when you didn't give me any?" "What's that spot?" "I made love to Momo with my clothes on." "I'd love it if you and Momo could be friends." "You must be out of your mind." "silly." "I forgot, I've something important to say." " What?" " I want to make you an offer." "What offer?" "I want you to be my wife." " You want to marry me?" " Yes." "Why say so now?" "I think the time has come." "You'd be my wife," "I'd sell the flat so we could be comfortable, then we will move to a house I'II inherit." "You don't know but I'm wealthy." "You're wealthy?" "My family is wealthy." "We'II have a church wedding with presents and a party." "We'II honeymoon in Asia or Africa." "I'd Iike us to have children." "You're made to have two, three or more." "What do you reckon?" "I can't say now, I have to think." "tell me tomorrow, the next day..." "I'II tell you sooner." "In the meantime," "I'II introduce you to my parents." "You're right to think it over, marriage is not an easy matter." "Marriage is for life, that's what I think." "Hence the church wedding." "Why in church?" "Because that way we can't ever separate." "I didn't think you practised." "I do, I do." "I am not a believer." "But you told me you went to a convent." "Even then, I didn't believe." " What do you believe?" " Nothing." "I didn't believe because I never considered it." "If someone never considers something, that thing doesn't exist." "To me, religion doesn't exist." "Maybe one day you will consider it." "I don't think so." "religion is boring." "Are you ever bored?" "Sometimes, yes." "What do you feel?" "Boredom." "What is this boredom?" "Boredom is boredom." "It's much more than that." "My parents are a bit conventional." "What's conventional?" "What's left when you think about nothing." "Before we see them, I'd Iike to reply." "I want to make love." "I thought you couldn't." "I can now." "OK but first tell me if you'II be my wife." "You're the only man I couId marry because I needn't hide anything from you." "But I keep thinking you're hiding something." "And you promise such lovely things, a party, a dress, a trip..." "well?" "I can't marry you." "Why won't you?" " I won't because I won't." " Why not?" "Because of Momo, I don't want to lose him." " Do you want to marry him?" " No, not him." "Who cares about Momo?" "See him as much as you Iike." "Why marry?" "It's all fine as it is." "If you can see Momo, if nothing changes." "If you become wealthy." "Why refuse?" "What for?" "I don't want to, that's all." "Let's make love." "I don't want to." "Just tell me why you won't marry me." "I warn you, if we don't now we won't for a while." "Why not?" "I didn't want to say, I thought I'd write, but it's better you know." "I'm going to Corsica with Momo for two weeks." "You won't marry because you're going to Corsica, well don't!" "He's booked the room." "I don't want you to go." "I want to, so why can't I?" "If you don't, I'II give you a present." "What?" "Whatever you Iike." "For instance." "Money." " How much?" " A Iot." "Have you got it?" "Come." "Look. 6000 francs." "It seems like more." "I'II give you ten times that." "I'm sorry, I can't." "Let's make love." "When I get back we'II do it even more." " You really won't?" " No." "Come on." "See how selfless I am." "Why do you say that?" "I couId have taken the money and gone anyway." "So what?" "So you've saved some money." "No I haven't, you've lost it." "If you Iike." "Can I ask you a favour?" "What?" "You nearly gave me 60,000 francs." "Lend me just 3,000." "What for?" "Momo is out of work." "We're broke." "We'd have a nicer holiday." "You hurt me." "What for?" "I'm sorry." "Here... is that enough?" "It's too much." "Take it, you may need it." "Thanks." " How was it?" " Fine." "Great or just fine?" "Great." "Happy then?" "Do you love me?" "You know I do." "Where to now?" "Nowhere." "I'II take you home." "OK?" " As you please." " No, as you please." "You're off tomorrow." "You decide if you want to stay." " I don't care." " Why don't you?" "I'II see you when I get back." "Are you sure?" "Yes." "Won't you say goodbye?" "I want to be in your room, I want to have you there." "You know you can't." "I need you again.It's not your body, I just need you." "Can CeciIia come out for two minutes?" "She is not in." "Are you sure?" "We've just spoken." "She left two minutes ago." "Where did she go?" "Out to dinner." "When's she due back?" "She isn't." "She's off to Corsica with a girlfriend." "She's staying there tonight." "She's back in two weeks." "What's the matter?" "She's gone, her father's dying." "I'm alone in an empty flat." "My husband went to the clinic last night, there's no hope." "No hope?" "The doctors say he's got two or three days left." "But CeciIia likes her father." "She likes no one." "Suck me off." "Stop the car, it's more relaxing." "Suck me off." " What's wrong?" " Go on, please don't stop." "That's not my name." "I wanted to marry her, I wanted to stop loving her," " I wanted her not to exist." " I want to get out." " She has no regrets." " You'II kill us." "She didn't even turn or smile." " I don't want to die." " Do you think I want to die?" "Like any bastard who's been dumped?" "Think I want it to end like this?" "How are we today?" "Fine, fine..." "Miss?" "could you help me write a letter?" "Right now, I've no time." "I'II look by at the end of the day." "I've been having suicidal thoughts," "I tried to die, really." "Now I believe one mustn't die of despair but feed off one's despair." "Not die of it, but live off it." "Live at any price." "subtitles by Pierre Hodgson" "Processed by C.M.C." " Paris"