"# I'll fetch the suitcase from the van" "# 'Cause if you want the best 'uns But you don't ask questions" "# Then, brother, I'm your man" "# Just where it all comes from is a mystery" "# It's like the changing of the seasons And the tides of the sea" "# But here's the one that's driving me berserk:" "# Why do only fools and horses work?" "#" "(DEL):" "Michael..." "Mike." " What is it now?" " (DEL):" "Here..." "This is your lucky night." "How's that for a portable computer?" "Look at that!" "It's got 64K, UHF output, it's got a megabyte disk drive." "It's got ROM, RAM, it's got them red and green lights, everything." " What do I want with a computer?" " What does he want with a computer?" " Everyone's got a computer these days!" " Have you got one?" " Have I got one?" "!" " He's got 25." "I have..." "Thank you, Rodney, thank you very much!" "Listen!" "This particular model normally retails at 399 pounds of the realm." "I'm giving it to you for 150, and I'm gonna throw in a free joystick." "This thing, it processes all your data." " What exactly does that mean?" " What does that mean?" "!" "What do you mean..." "Are you dim?" "It's..." "Tell him what it means, Rodney." "He did a course in this and came top of the class." "Tell him!" "It's..." "In layman's terms, right..." "You can record all your business deals on it." "I spend half my life trying to hide my business deals." "The last thing I need is to record them on a floppy bloody disk!" "I'm not interested." "Why don't you ask Trigger?" "Trigger?" "With a computer?" "Do me a favour, he's still struggling with light switches." "No, Del." "Try that, Albert." "Last time I tasted something like that was in Egypt." " Was it the local brew?" " No, I fell in the Nile." "Mike, I ordered beer." "Don't be funny with me, Trig." "I'll tell you this much:" "I've had certificates for my beer." "I've had a few days off work with it an' all." "Blimey!" "I don't know..." "These bloody computers!" " I bought thirty of them and only sold five." " That's not too bad." "Not too bad?" "!" "I've had them a year and a half." "Our sales campaign suffered badly when a local officer of fair trading announced to the press that they don't work." "They do work, Rodney!" "They just need a bit of fiddling about with." " They don't work properly." " Do you know about this sort of thing, Dave?" "Yes, I do." "Recently I took a computer course at the adult education centre." " And failed." " I did not fail." " You passed?" " I didn't strictly pass either." "The man in charge said, not in so many words, that I should concentrate more on the theoretical side rather than the actual keyboard area." "What he actually said was, "Keep your bloody hands off my machine!"" "Thank you for being so encouraging." "If I pass the course and get my diploma," "I might be able to get a real job as a real company employee, instead of hanging around with the deadly duo, you and that suitcase." " Just watch it!" " Do you know what he had me doing today?" "This is an infra-red massager that cures rheumatics and all of that." "He's had me hobbling through the market like I've got bad lumbago, right?" "Then "Healing-Hands" Trotter spots me and cures me in front of all the punters!" "He used to be a cowboy." "Now he's a medicine man." "Shut up, you tart!" "You're just narked 'cause you had a hole in your vest." "Anyway, I can't hang about here." "Do you remember that chop suey house we decorated by the station?" "It's gone bust and they're auctioning all their gear tonight." "I'll sniff around." " See you later." " All right." " My God!" " Mr Trotter!" "Mr Jahan, what a pleasant surprise!" "What brings you in?" "That computer you sold me last month is still not working." "There must be some simple explanation." "Let's sit down and discuss it over a drink." " What can I get you?" " Something non-alcoholic." "Non-alcoholic." "Michael, a pint of your best bitter, please." "I have a business to run, Mr Trotter." "I bought the computer at your suggestion to streamline my business." "So far your computer has managed to destroy my accounts, my stock records, and set fire to my curtains." "You must be pressing the wrong button, Mr Jahan." "We are talking outer-limit hi-tech here." "That computer was used in the American space shuttle." "But it blew up!" "I don't mean it was the same computer." "Although that would explain why it isn't working too well." "Just trust me." "Give it a bit of time." "I guarantee you - in a few days' time, you'll wonder how you ever managed without it." "I'll give it one week then I'll be back to see you." "That's the spirit, Mr Jahan!" "You know it makes sense." "Thank you, Michael." "I'll see you later." "Anyway, I thought that fella working for you was a bit of a computer boffin." "Oh, he has resigned." "Said the work did not agree with him." "Half of them, they don't know they're born these days, do they?" "I placed ads in the local paper and at the job centre but all to no avail." "It's not a difficult job, and I pay good wages." "Yeah, that's gonna be difficult for you." "You're looking for a young man" " with drive and enthusiasm." " No, not really." "A couple of GCEs wouldn't go amiss, would they?" "There's no necessity for all this." "I'm looking for someone who can walk." "That's what I mean, you're talking top-notch!" "Most people with that calibre have gone off with the brain drain." "No, it's gonna be a difficult one." "Now, Mr Jahan..." "Wait a minute." "Pot-pourri, pot-pourri!" "Of course!" "This must be your lucky night, Mr Jahan." "I may have the very person you're looking for." " Really?" "Who?" " Only my younger brother." "He's enthusiastic and he's got GCEs in maths and art." "Since he came back from Cambridge, he's been dealing in the commodities market." "All the head-hunters have been after him, from the Bank of England down to ICI." "But he fancies something a bit more local." " Can he walk?" " Yeah, he dashes about all over the place." " Can he discuss it with me?" " No, I will." " How much are you offering?" " A hundred." "Del's got something going over there." "That means somebody's gonna suffer." "Talking of suffering, my niece is getting married next Saturday." "You remember little Lisa, don't you?" "She came up last year." "She was the one who arranged for Del Boy to have a go on a hang-glider." "Oh, yeah!" "I liked her." "She's invited you all to Hampshire for the wedding." "That's very nice of her." "You tell her I'll be delighted." "You two are coming." "Del has accepted for you." "He's accep..." "He's something else, isn't he?" "I thought Lisa was getting married last year." "Yes, she was." "And then she found out that... ..she wasn't." "What?" "Got a pencil and a bit of paper, Mike?" "Yeah..." "Now she's found out she is again." "It should be good, though." "A day by the coast and a nice drink afterwards." "Talking of drinks, I'll get these in." "Rodney, this must be your lucky night." " I've only been and got you a job." " I don't want it." "What do you mean?" "!" "You just said you'd like to get a job." "Not from him." "I've had some of his little jobs in the past." "I'm here to tell you he's no Brook Street Bureau." "That's charming, ain't it?" "That is charming!" "That is all the thanks I get after all the work and effort I've done!" "Well..." "Anyway, it wasn't just a job, it was a career move." " I haven't got a career." " But you'd have had one and had it moving." "And we'd have had some wages coming into the flat." "We're boracic at the moment." "Yeah, some of your novel money-saving devices are in evidence again." " What's this job, then?" " You're not interested, so it's purely epidemic, ain't it?" "What sort of job was it, Del?" "He would have been a trainee computer programmer... ..eventually." "And it was mentioned that the successful candidate would, with endeavour, attain executive status." "Well, I thought it was gonna be humping boxes around, stuff like that." "I didn't know I was gonna be a trainee executive." "He mentioned your c.v. How about that?" "A nice little Citroen." "I think he might have been referring to my curriculum vitae." "That's no problem." "There's no heavy lifting involved." "Well, he'd have to start at the bottom, though." "Yeah, of course." "Doing what?" "It's sort of delivering, yeah, basically." "Just to start with." "And it's 90 quid cash in hand;" "no tax, no nonsense." "If I'm working cash in hand, I'm not a real employee." "You will be, 'cause that's only temporary!" "What do you say?" "Where would I be working?" "You know that big new office block down in Wilmot Road, with the smoked glass and the lairy cars?" "Where the young birds come out of at lunch-time?" " That's the one." " Yeah, I know it." "Well, right opposite it is an alley." " An alley?" " Yes." "Between the undertaker's and the Light of Nepal restaurant." "So you go down that alley and you find a yard." "Pop your head in there on Monday, and ask for a Mr Jahan." "He will give you your duties and uniform." "Good Lord!" "Is that the time?" "I'm going to the Chinky's." "See you later." "(DEL):" "Hey, Mike, thanks for the drinks." "Why would a trainee computer programmer need a uniform?" "Don't know." "I don't know what you're laughing at." "Don't you see what this means?" "You've just been promoted to the geezer in the market with the bad back." " Congratulations, Lisa." " Thanks." "And to you, Andrew." "My very best wishes for many years of happiness." "Who knows, in a year or two, we could be back celebrating the christening of your first-born." "Actually, my mother wants to have a word with you about that." "Oh..." "I see." "Excuse me." "Vicar!" " Vic!" " Mr Trotter, how nice!" " Thank you once again for your lift." " Bain-marie, it was the least that I can do." "Sorry it was a bit bumpy, but we didn't have far to go." "That reminds me, the computer I told you about, I left it for you in your vestry." " You left it in my vestry?" "!" " It's all right." "I had to get you in the back of the van, right?" "Listen... just in case the old bishop asks, it normally retails at 399 but you can have it at 150." " And a pony off for cash." " Pony?" "All right, then, 30 quid." "Can't say fairer than that." "I'll let you have it on two weeks' approval." "If I can't trust you, who can I trust?" "I mean, ask and it shall be given, that is my motto." "Would I..." "Excuse me." "Darling, you're one of the bridesmaids, aren't you?" " Thanks, Rodney." " What are you doing here on your own?" "I was just reminiscing." "This used to be my old stamping ground." "Portsmouth is just a couple of miles up the road." " Bet you had some laughs round here." " Not half!" "The warning used to go out:" ""Lock up your daughters, Trotter's back"." "Congratulations, darling." "You remember Mike, don't you?" "He's the water-diviner from the Nag's Head." "Of course I do." "Hello, Mike." "It's lovely to see you again." " This is Andy, my husband." " Congratulations, son." "You'll never regret what you did today." "I should know, I've been married 18 years." "Thanks a lot." "Is your wife here?" "No, we broke up back in '73." "Finally, the skipper said, "I know..." ""We'll try to hide in one of the fiords..."" "I think I may have heard this story before." " Did you sink?" " Yeah." "I've heard it." " Why do you bother to listen to him?" " I don't know." "A moment of weakness, I suppose." " It's all a bit up-market here, ain't it, Del?" " I was surprised to see you here." "I am at home in any walk of life." "How are you, sweetheart?" "I don't believe it!" "Would you behave yourselves!" "We're only a hyphen or two away from a society wedding, and you're behaving like you're on a charabanc trip to the lights." "Shut up, you snobby git!" "I'm merely trying to conduct myself with a little decorum." "Oh, dear." "I assume this bundle's from you." "That is our present, yes." "Good God, it looks as though the bomb squad has had a go at it." "What have you bought the unlucky couple?" "A 13-piece dinner service." "We bought them a dinner service as well." "I shouldn't worry, Marlene." "There'll be no comparison." "We got ours from Royal Doulton." "They've probably got theirs from Dalton's Weekly." "He's good, ain't he?" "He's got more front than Southend." "But it is a lovely dinner service, Del." "It's got a hand-painted pattern depicting the changing seasons of the English countryside." "He's probably given them that old crockery he bought at the Chinese auction." "How dare you?" "What sort of bloke do you think I am?" "I wouldn't put it past you." "Come along, Marlene, shall we circulate?" "Bloody hell, Boycie, we've already been around more times than a break-dancer." "Del, did our dinner service come from the bankrupt Chinky's?" "No, it did not, I swear on my life." "Those plates had an awful lot of pandas and pagodas on them." "It did come from the Chinese take-away." "We've been really strapped for money recently." "Anyway, I thought they looked like rather nice pagodas, myself." "No, they ain't." "They look more like a prisoner-of-war camp." "How's it gonna make us look?" "Boycie and Marlene's service depicts the changing seasons." "Ours contains scenes from Tenko." "Yeah, I suppose you're right." "Hang about a minute." "Here, hold this." "It's all right..." "Oh, dear..." "He who dares wins." "Cheers." "(DISCO MUSIC)" " Aunt Reen, do you want a drink?" " I'll have a port and lemon." "Better make it a small one, 'cause I've had orders from Lisa not to get Oliver Twist in front of his family." "I don't know who she thinks they are." "Big hats and no drawers, most of 'em." "Here's a face from the past." "Albert Trotter?" "I don't believe it." "Hello, Reeny girl, how are you going?" " I thought you went down with the Lusitania." " Fiver says he did." "They tried but they couldn't get me." "How long have you been living out this way?" "I moved from Peckham in 1965." "I couldn't stand that estate any longer." "It's nice and peaceful out here, and I don't have to save up to get to the seaside." " You must be retired now." " I'm living with the family, Joannie's kids." " Del Boy's not here, is he?" " He's in there having a dance." "He'll be out soon - he ain't had a drink for four minutes!" " Little Rodney's here as well." " Oh, no!" "Rodney's here?" "Oh, the little love!" "That's him there." "The last time I saw you, you were in your pram." "Who the bloody hell is this woman?" "I'm Rodney." "You're little Rodney?" "Oh, ain't you got big!" "You don't remember me, do you, darling?" " No." " This is Trigger's Aunt Reeny." "She used to be your mum's best friend." "Oh, yeah, me and Joannie, the terrible twins." "Do you remember when your mum had that cleaning job down at the town hall?" "No." "I used to look after you while she was at work, bath you and everything." "Remember when I took you shopping that day in Woolworth's?" "No." "As I was pushing you around, you were picking things off the counter and I didn't know." "But when I got you home and took you out of the pram," "I found three bottles of scent, a packet of Weights and a Helen Shapiro record." "So, next day I took you up Selfridge's." "I reckon the rumours were right." "Joannie was never one hundred per cent sure, but you can see the likeness, can't you?" "Do you fancy a dance?" "I can still cut a rug with the best of 'em." "Keep your hands to yourself, though." "See you later, love." " What was all that about?" " God knows." "I remember her from years ago." "She's never been the full ten bob." "Oi, that's my auntie you're talking about." "It must be a family trait, then." "(DISCO MUSIC)" "Albert, don't go in there." "Marlene's pulling all the blokes' shirt-tails out." "No...!" "Aunt Reeny...?" "It ain't Reeny Turpin?" " Remember me, do you?" " Remember you?" "Remember you?" "I'm still having nightmares about you." " How are you, sweetheart?" "Keeping well?" " Smashing, Del." " You're looking very prosperous." " Well, you know..." " Life's been pretty good to us, ain't it?" " Yeah, non-stop Mardi Gras." "You look really great." "Let's sit down." "I'm cream crackered after that dance." "She used to be a right little raver in her younger days." "They reckon that, during the war, she had more Yanks than Eisenhower." "I heard that the Normandy landings started from her scullery." " Who are you talking about?" " Trigger's auntie." "When was the last time I saw you?" "I moved from Peckham in 1965, so that's nearly 23 years." " God!" " You promised to come and see me." "Yeah, well..." "I've been tied up with business and whatever." "He seems a nice kid, young Rodney." "Yeah." "Do you know, he's got a diamond where other blokes have a heart?" "He's a clever kid - he's got GCEs, everything." "Well, he's had you behind him to guide him, Del." "He wouldn't be in this position today if it hadn't been for you." "I tried to do my best for him." "Kept my promise to Mum." "She'd have been so proud of you two boys." "I reckon that's why I moved down here." "The old place changed when your mum went." "I lost the best friend I ever had." "She was a lovely lady, wasn't she?" "If things had worked out a bit better, you and Rodney could have been millionaires." "Yeah!" "I remember visiting her in the hospital and her saying to me, "If only I knew where he'd hidden it," ""my boys would be set for life"." " Hidden what?" " The gold." "Gold...?" "What gold?" " His gold." " His, he?" "Who's he?" " Freddy the Frog." " Who's Freddy the Frog?" " Your mum never told you?" " No." "Oh, me and my mouth." "Forget I said anything, Del." "Forget it?" "How can I forget it?" "Come on, you've got to tell me now." "Come on, otherwise I'll find out somewhere else." "It all happened a long time ago." "She met him in about 1959." " Met who?" " Freddy Robdal." " Who's Freddy Robdal?" " That was Freddy the Frog's real name." "He was a villain from Rotherhythe." "Not a nasty one - no guns or violence." "He was a gentleman thief." "He was a bit of a dandy." "He loved French wine and paintings and what have you." "He had a little holiday chalet down this way." "They reckon when the police broke in, the walls was covered in Monets and other originals." " What has this got to do with my mum?" " Well..." "She sort of befriended him." "Yes, she was a very friendly lady." "I mean, she'd help anyone out." "Yes... she used to help Freddy the Frog." "Anyway... one day in August 1963," "Freddy and a little gang broke into the vaults of a bank up in the City." "They got away with over a quarter of a million pounds in gold bullion." "The rest of the gang got caught, but Freddy and the gold got away." "Well, a short time afterwards," "Freddy, while still on the run, was tragically killed in a freak accident." "And when they opened his will, he'd left everything he owned to your mum." "You mean the Monets and all the originals?" "No, they had to be returned to the original owners." "The same went for the gold." "Except, of course... that nobody knew where Freddy had hidden it." "Then your mum left all her worldly possessions to you, including the lost gold." "So, if that gold was worth a quarter of a million in 1963, it must be worth... a million now, or maybe two." " And it's mine." " Yours and Rodney's." "It's the same thing." " I'm a millionaire." " I know." "Bloody shame no one knows where it's hidden." "Yeah, it is a bit of a choker, ain't it?" "I'll get us a refill." "Rodney, I know you may find this hard to believe, and it may even come as a bit of a shock to you..." "We are millionaires." "Good, perhaps we can take that magnet off the electricity meter." "(DEL TRYING TO SELL MASSAGERS TO THE CROWD)" "Listen to me." "Remember in the past when you had trouble with your Cilla?" "The old Cilla Black?" "What did you do?" "You used to stagger down to the quack's." "And you'd pay £2.50 for a prescription, and go to the chemist, and he'd give you a three-bob tube of Algipan." "Thank goodness those days are over." "They're over thanks to this revolutionary new device, the Inframax deep penetration massager." "You two girls, you're miles off." "I'm warning you!" "This is an osteopedic device which emits infra-red rays that penetrate deep into the muscles, soothing the pain away, giving you permanent and instant relief." "Seriously, listen to me, how much would you expect to pay if you went on Harley Street?" "How much do you expect to pay for that?" "Don't touch it!" "You'd expect to pay 70 to 80 pounds for one of these." "Absolutely straight." "But thanks to free enterprise and a mate of mine who does some smuggling... ..I can let you have one of these for a mere 15 pounds." "What do you mean?" "I'll let you have this for what I paid for it, 14 pounds." "Come on, it's 14... snatch it off me!" "You won't get..." "Would you move on, sir?" "I'm trying to do some business here." " Sure." " All right!" "Listen, I don't care whether you've got earache, neckache, backache, or even any other sort of ache." " This little device will cure it." " Try it on him, then." " Do what?" " Try it on the old fellow." "No, I don't want to do my batteries up." "Anyway, that's probably not backache." "That's body language." "I think he's trying to tell you something." "No, it's rheumatics, son." "I've suffered with it for years." " Try your massager on him." " (CROWD):" "Yeah." "All right..." "All right, I will." "That soppy little thing won't do me no good." "My back has been under experts." "Confounded the medical world, my back has." "Well, let me try." "It can't do any harm." "Give me a try, come on, slip your coat off." "That's it..." "I see you're a naval war hero, sir." "40 years before the mast fighting for King and Country." "I don't believe it!" "Groan, old git!" " Groan, groan!" " God, my back!" "That's it." "Remember, no sudden movements." "Not until I've applied the healing rays of the Inframax deep penetration massager." "Here we go!" "Here it is." "Can you feel that, sir?" "Do you feel the relaxing warmth soothing the pain and tension away in the lumbar region?" "Yeah, it's very therapeutic." "I've never had this done to me before." "Coming from an old sailor, that is saying something, ain't it?" "This is lovely." "My back feels better already." " There you are." " Look, I can stand straight." "I haven't been able to stand up for years." "I don't believe him!" "What is he doing to me?" " He's just a stooge." " He's part of the act." "No, he ain't..." "No!" " We've never met before, have we?" " No, Del." "We haven't." "Come here!" "You told me to get better in front of the crowd." "I know." "I didn't ask you to do the third act from Singing in the Rain!" "You came round the corner looking like Old Father Time." "One rub of my massager and you turned into Wayne Sleep." "I'm not used to all this market spieling." "Why not get Rodney to do it?" "Because he starts his new job today." "He can't be in two places at the same time." "Clear all this lot up, will you?" "It ain't bloody fair." "I fought a war for the younger generation." "Yeah?" "What side were you on?" " Del Boy, Albert." " Trig." " Good wedding, wasn't it?" " Yeah, it was mustard." "Lisa and Andy were double pleased with that dinner service." "It must have cost a fortune." "That's all right, Trig." "Anything for the young couple." " Here comes money." " Did you see his crappy present?" "No, I didn't catch that, no." "A load of cheap old plates, the kind you get in a bad Chinese restaurant." "That's typical of him, ain't it?" "That's why he's so rich, from being so tight." "Yeah, he is tight." "He's the sort of bloke that buys a tin of baked beans on Tuesday so he can have a bubble bath on Wednesday." " Good morning, gentlemen." " Boycie." "Another fine day in Gotham City?" "Well, Trigger, the wedding seemed to go off well, all things considered." "Yeah, it was all right." "Did Lisa and what's-his-name find time to look at my present?" "Yeah, they looked at it." "Not for long, though." " What about his little gift?" " They put it straight in their display cabinet." "Peasants!" "Talking of the wedding, there's something I wanted to ask you two." "Think back to the early '60s." "Do you remember Freddy the Frog?" "Freddy the Frog?" "No, it don't ring a bell." "I remember Torchy the Battery Boy." "What about Twizzle?" "I don't believe you two!" "I just don't believe you!" "Hang on." "Hats off!" "(BOYCIE):" "Your minicab's arrived, Albert." "Boycie!" "Is that Dave?" "Yeah." "You git!" "You rotten git!" "You never told me my new job was a chief mourner." "Rodney, show some respect!" " What's he doing?" " Just you wait, Del!" "Just you wait." "(DUST-CART HONKS)" "Why are you taking us down here?" "It's No Entry." "Yeah, sorry, Mr Jahan." "I was talking to my brother..." "Sorry." "Um..." "Could you just back up a little bit, please?" "Would you mind backing up a little bit, please?" "What's the trouble?" "(IGNITION FAILS)" "I can't stand it any more." "What a plonker!" "Excuse me!" "Yes, I'm finding this rather upsetting, too." " Do you know the bloke in the hearse?" " No, I know the bloke in the Cortina." "I sold it to him last week." "(RODNEY):" "You're a liar." "(DEL):" "I swear to you," "(DEL):" "I did not know what your duties would be." "Mr Jahan never told me." "(RODNEY):" "Did not know, my arse.!" "(RODNEY):" "You set me up to get money." "(DEL):" "Yeah, every little helps, Rodney." "Anyway, I thought that black suit looked really good on you." "No, it didn't." "I saw a reflection of myself in a window." "I looked like a wand." "You told me I'd be a trainee computer programmer." "And are you not programming his computer?" "Yes, I am programming his computer." "I'm also an apprentice pallbearer, a fully-fledged chief mourner, and I have to go and get the sandwiches!" "As long as you've got job satisfaction." "That's the main thing." "Well, I've not got job satisfaction." "Matter of fact, I'm thinking of resigning." "You'd better hurry up before he sacks you." "That big traffic jam was not my fault." "Name one person who blamed me." " Mr Jahan did." " The grieving relatives did." "The Flying Eye did." "It wasn't my fault the differential on the Cortina seized up." "I called for the RAC and they called for a tow-truck, but it couldn't get through." " Why?" " Because of the big traffic jam." " Anyway, it went off all right in the end." " Yeah, in the end." "You could have started a trend." "Floodlit funerals could be all the rage." "(DEL LAUGHS)" "I don't want to talk more about it." "I've got more important things on my mind." "We're not getting back to Freddy the bleeding Frog again, are we?" "Yes, we are!" "There's a million quid's worth of gold out there, and it's mine... ours." "You are something else, you are." "A drunken old woman spins you some cock-and-bull story, and you fall for it." "Listen!" "Just because Reeny was a good-time girl who liked the occasional tizer, that was all right, she was never a liar." "Anyway, I've been out to see a few faces this afternoon." "I've got some information: they have confirmed it, all right, about the robbery, the gold bullion never being found, the lot." "How can you be sure it hasn't been found?" "Over the past few years, every policeman and underworld figure in the country must have been looking for that gold." "And what would they have done with it?" "They'd either put it through a fence, which meant it becomes public knowledge, or they smelt it down themselves, right?" "If they do that, that amount of gold coming onto the market causes ripples." "The sort of ripples that would be remembered for a long time." " What if the police found it?" " I'm talking about the police." "The chaps never found it either." "I had a chat with the Driscoll brothers." " You went and saw the Driscoll brothers?" " What are they like?" "They're smashing blokes." "It's like bumping into the two Ronnies, Biggs and Kray." "And they never sussed out why you were asking questions?" "No!" "You know what they're like, don't you?" "A couple of years ago, some guru reckoned the world would end within a month." "And Danny Driscoll bet a grand that it would." "And he's the brains of the outfit." "The only trouble was, I kept on having to refer to Freddy the Frog." "I couldn't remember his real surname." "It was Robson or something like that." " Robdal." " Robdal, that's what it was." "I was trying to think of that all afternoon." "Just a minute!" "Did you know him?" "Yeah, vaguely." "Well, why didn't you say?" "First time I met him, he was just a kid, 18, 19 - different age group from me." "And over the years I used to bump into him every so often." "Usually in one of the pubs down the docks." "He was a very likeable bloke, very generous." "He was very tall and handsome." "Everybody liked him, especially the women." "They used to fall over themselves for him." "Yes, yes." "What about the gold bullion?" " He robbed a bank in the City." " We know all that, don't we?" "What happened after the robbery?" "About a week after, Freddy and an explosives expert called Jelly Kelly broke into a post office..." "in Plumstead, that's right." "And then, apparently, they'd wired the explosives, everything going well when, nobody knew why, Freddy the Frog sat on the detonator." "They found him up on the roof... of a building across the road." "All right." "What happened to the other mush, Kelly the Jelly?" "He was holding the nitroglycerine when Freddy sat down." "So he didn't survive, either." "Well, if he did, he'd be no good in a Mexican wave." "I don't know." "It's the same story wherever I go." "Freddy the Frog took the secret with him." " Maybe he shipped the gold abroad." " No, there wouldn't have been time." "It was only a week between him doing the job and hitting the snooze button." "There's another thing that's confusing me." "If that Freddy was going out with a married woman on this estate, why did he leave all his money to our mum?" "It's a mystery, ain't it?" "I'll make some tea." "There's another thing." "I was talking to one of them Driscoll heavies, and he reckons that Freddy had a son by that woman." "That's just a rumour, Del." "I'd take no notice." "No." "If it was true, that boy would be in his mid-twenties by now." "Still, he don't know who his dad was, so he can't make a claim on the fortune, can he?" "Look at this, Rod." "There you are!" "Look, we're millionaires, and we're getting threatening letters from the milkman." "This Freddy the Frog." "Did he have any hobbies or pastimes?" "Hobbies or pastimes?" "We're looking for his gold, not his bloody tennis rackets." "I just thought the more we found out about him, the more we know how his mind works." "Yeah, all right, good thinking, Rodney." "He was a bit of an artist, wasn't he, Albert?" "Yeah, a good artist." "They reckon if he hadn't been a tea-leaf, he could have made a very good forger." "Well, that got us a lot closer." "Problem solved!" "That's it!" "I'll go to bed, and say good night to you two." "(DEL):" "Good night." "(RODNEY):" "Good night." " Albert..." " They're rumours, Rodney." "That's all, rumours." "Good night, son." "(DEL):" "Rodney, don't forget you've got to be down the morgue by half nine." "We'll just finish this and we'll pop down the market and do a bit with the massagers." "And this time, when I've finished operating on you, no tap-dancing!" "Straighten up slowly, like it's a miracle." " Del, got it!" " What's that about?" "Don't know." "Looks like "Peace in our time"." "What is that all about?" "Sit down!" "This morning, Mr Jahan asked me to transfer all his old files on to computer." " My computer?" " Yeah, read that." " No, it's a summons, isn't it?" " No." "It's one of Mr Jahan's order forms from July 1963." "Look who ordered one coffin to be specially made - one Frederick Robdal." "But it was ordered five weeks before the robbery and six weeks before he blew himself up." " Don't you see what it means?" " He had a premonition." "You berk!" "No, wait a minute." "Look!" "This casket was ordered by Mr Frederick Robdal, but it was made for a Mr Alfred Broderick." " Who's Alfred Broderick?" " No, look at the two names closely." "It's an anagram." "Yeah, I can see that, but who was he?" "No...!" "Bloody hell!" " Look, if you transpose all the letters..." " Transpose?" "If you mix up all the letters from Frederick Robdal, it becomes Alfred Broderick." "In other words, Broderick never existed." "He's just one of Freddy's aliases." "He's right an' all!" "So what you're saying is that... he put..." " The bullion..." " Into the coffin." "And then got the Co-op to hide it, or in this case Mr Jahan." "That's right." "It was all legal and above-board." "It was probably paraded through them streets." "I'll bet he even got the Old Bill to hold up the traffic for it." "And then it was buried with all the usual honours." "All Freddy had to do was bide his time and then come back for it." "You two seem to be forgetting something." "You're not talking about the family pet." "If what you're suggesting is right, he'd have needed permission from the authorities." "He'd have needed official documentation, and lots and lots of it." "So where does he get all that?" "You always have to spoil things." "No, wait a minute!" "I think I've cracked it." "Listen!" "Way back in the early '60s when you were just a nipper," "Mum got herself a job down at the town hall as a secretary." " Secretary?" " Yes." "One of her duties was hoovering out the registrar's department." "It means she could get her hands on all the documents he needed and mark them with the official stamp." "God, of course!" "Rodney, what are you doing here?" "You're supposed to help me with embalming." "Sorry, Mr Jahan, I took an early lunch." "All right, Mr Jahan." "Come and sit down for a minute." "I'd like to have a chat with you." "Rodney found this in your files." " This is confidential material!" " I know." "It shows how keen he is." "He's bringing his homework to lunch with him." "Do you remember this man, Mr Frederick Robdal?" "Yes, I remember him very well, a most charming man." "My father had just bought the business." "Mr Robdal was one of our first clients." "Another reason it sticks out in my mind is because he ordered an extra large casket to be made." "And I expect his mate, Mr Broderick, was an extra large chap, was he?" " I don't know." "We didn't handle the funeral." " What?" "We simply supplied the casket." "Mr Robdal came and took it in a van one night." "You mean it was a take-away?" "Mr Robdal told us it was to be a private affair." "We didn't question his decision." "We didn't want to intrude upon his grief, and we needed the business." "Wait a minute..." "Does that mean that you don't know where it's buried?" "As I said, I don't know." "It was a private affair." "I must go now." " How long will you be?" "We have a lot of work." " I'll come soon." " That's the end of that." " You'll never find it now." " Yes, we will." " The gold has been missing for 24 years." "And the last thing anyone saw of Freddy was on a radar screen." "What chance have we?" "Listen to me!" "He would have buried it somewhere local." "He would have stuck to an area that he knew well." "This is what we'll do:" "I'll go to the flower man in the market to get some tulips on sale or return, and you'll go and visit every graveyard and cemetery in the district, and read every name on every headstone." "And when you leave, leave a flower as if you're one of the relatives." " But there's thousands of them." " All right, say you come from a big family." "I want you to do the same in your travels." "It's a bit like a busman's holiday for you." "In the meantime, I'll check the records at the town hall, stonemasons, churches, that sort of thing." "Don't worry, brother, we'll find it!" "Del, I don't want to be the prophet of doom, but I feel we're wasting our time." "Time that could be spent more productively in earning some money and paying bills." "We owe two months' rent, we drink tea with no milk in it, and the electricity board keeps calling to see why their meter is running backwards." "There's food in the cupboard, isn't there?" "Yeah, thanks to my pension and Rodney's wages." "It wouldn't be a bad idea for you to drive down to Hampshire and pick up that computer money off the vicar." "Leave it out!" "That gold must be here hidden somewhere." "It can't have disappeared." "This is Peckham, not the Bermuda Triangle." "And as for me going all the way down to Hampshire to pick up 120 quid, that's like admitting defeat, a sign that I've given up hope of ever finding my birthright." "That is not my style." "When Del Trotter says he's going to do something, Del Trotter does it!" "You see what I mean, Mr Trotter!" "I've tried everything and it simply refuses to work." " Has it received a whack of any kind?" " No, I assure you!" "There you are, that's all it needed." "Yes..." "Of course." "I'm not technically-minded like you." "Some of these hi-tech advancements, they need a bit of encouragement." "Well, if you just give me my money, I'll bid you farewell." " I'm afraid I shan't be needing the computer." " What?" "As I said at the wedding, I couldn't honestly see what part a computer could play in the daily running of a small parish such as this." "And my words have been borne out." "I know, but if it had been working properly, you would have seen the benefits." "I'm terribly sorry, and I'm grateful to you for giving me it for two weeks on approval, but I simply have no need of it." "Well..." "I can't take it back now." " It's been used." " Of course, you told me to use it!" "I know, but you've taken it out of the protective wrapping." "And look at that, it's had a whack there, look!" " But you just did that." " Yes, I know that." "But I'm not a technician, am I?" "I'm merely a salesman, that's all." "What am I going to tell my guv'nor?" "I'm going to have to go to him and say that you took it out of the protective wrapping, you messed about with it, you let an unqualified wally repair it, and now you want to elbow it." "No, I'm sorry." "Look, that machine was in perfect condition when I loaned it to you." "Look at it now, look." "It's second-hand, isn't it?" " But..." " All right, as you are a man of the cloth." "And seeing that you're the one who naused it up, I'll tell you what I'm going to do:" "I'll let you have that for the second-hand price." " Give me 100 notes and we'll say no more." " I don't want the computer." "But this computer is the top of the range." "This is the Silver Cloud of computers." "There are thousands of people pouring out of London into the new houses in your parish." "Your flock is increasing." "You'll need one of these to keep a check on them all." "I wish that were true." "Unfortunately, few people seem to require the services of my church." "It seems a pity to me that there aren't more like our mutual friend, Mr Robdal." " What?" " I do apologise." "I couldn't help overhearing you and Mrs Turpin discussing Mr Robdal at the wedding." " You mean you knew Freddy the Frog?" " I'm sorry?" "I mean, you knew Frederick Robdal?" "Many years ago, when I came to St Mary's first." "He had a holiday home a few miles from here." "He used to look in if he was down this way." "A charming and very generous man." "He donated the stained-glass windows." "In fact, he loved this church so much, his parents are buried here." "Well, that's nice." "Did you ever meet his friend, Mr Broderick?" " Alfred Broderick?" " That's him." "Well, yes." "Not to say "meet" in the conventional sense." "I had the duty of laying him to rest." "He must have been rather a large man." "It took eight of us to carry him from the hearse." "Yeah, well, he was an anagram." "Could you tell me where you buried it?" "Buried him..." " I'd like to pay my last respects." " It'll be here in the records." "He must have been very close to Mr Robdal." "I've never forgotten the way that he kept patting the coffin." " Contained his grief behind a smile." " Yeah, we were all a bit choked." "Yes, here we are." "Now, about the computer..." "Don't worry about that." "Give it to the jumble sale." "It's only rubbish." " What do you put in that thing?" " It's me own recipe." "Dutch tobacco, Navy Shag, and a spoonful of rum to keep it moist." "Smell the salt, Rodney?" " You put condiments in it as well?" " I'm talking about the ozone in the air." "It takes me back." "Funny how a smell can start the mind turning." "Not to mention the stomach." "Rodney, I know where it's buried." "What?" " You mean here?" " Here." "Come on!" "Albert, bring that shovel." "Del, you cannot dig up a grave in broad daylight." "I know there's nothing actually in it except for gold bullion, but if anyone saw us doing it, they might not understand." "Come over here." "Over here!" "This is it." "This is where he buried it." " Where?" " There." "(RODNEY):" "A burial at sea?" "Why?" "How did he ever hope to get the gold back?" "There are one or two things that our dear uncle forgot to inform us of." "Like he told us that he met Freddy, but he didn't say where and how." "I met him when he was doing his national service in the navy." "Yes, he was a sailor!" "He also omitted to tell us how he got the nickname "Freddy the Frog"." "We assumed it was because of his love of all things French." "No, it was 'cause he was a frogman." "Yes, it was because he was a frogman." "I know that now." "I've just got the full S.P. off the vicar." "Why didn't you tell us?" "You know me." "I never talk about my days at sea." "We knew that Freddy had a chalet down here at the coast." "If we'd also known he was an ex-sailor and a deep sea diver, we may have been able to put two and two together." "Yes, and you might have saved us a fortnight of creeping round every cemetery and churchyard in South London." "If you knew it was buried at sea, why did you ask me to bring this shovel?" "So I can whack you on the bloody head with it!" "Take it easy!" "He gives me the hump, Rodney." "He gives me the right steaming hump." "It was beautiful, it was really beautiful." "He got all the authentic paperwork, a pukka ceremony, kosher vicar." "He even got two off-duty policemen to help him carry the coffin to the boat." "All he had to do was wait for the dust to settle and come back with the frogman gear to dive and get it." "He must have known these waters well." "He'd probably been diving them for years." "It's out there, Rodney." "It's out there, our legacy!" "Nothing you can do about it now, Del." "I'm not leaving it there." ""The sea shall not have it."" "I shall bring it to the surface." "We can do it." "I have faith in you, Rodney!" "How do..." "Me?" "What do you mean you've got faith in me?" "Listen, I can get you all the flippers and the goggles." "You're the only one in the family who can swim." "All I ever got was a 50-yard certificate at school." "You only need to swim 50 yards..." "down!" "On your bike!" "Where are you gonna start searching?" "You've got 500 square miles of ocean." "It took them 70 years to find the Titanic, so what chance have we got with an outsize coffin?" "We've got to do something." "He who dares wins." "There's a million quid's worth of gold out there, Rodney." "Our gold." "We can't just say bongjoor to it." " Do I look like him?" " It was just a rumour, son." " Do I look like him?" " A bit." "I always felt as if I was a bit different from the rest of the family." " A bit of a cuckoo." " Just a rumour." "Freddy the Frog." "Killed himself by sitting on someone else's detonator." "What a plonker!" "Come on." "Let's talk about it over a pint." "(DEL):" "Yeah, I expect you're right, bruv." "But in the words of General MacArthur:" ""I will be back soon"." "I'm not leaving our birthright down there in Davey Smith's locker, no way." "I tell you, Rodders, this time next year, we will be millionaires." "# We've got some half-price cracked ice and miles and miles of carpet tiles" "# TVs, deep freeze and David Bowie LPs" "# Ball games, gold chains, what's-their-names and at a push" "# Trevor Francis track suits from a mush in Shepherds Bush" "# Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush" "# No income tax, no VAT" "# No money back, no guarantee" "# Black or white, rich or poor," "# We'll cut prices at a stroke" "# God bless Hooky Street," "# Viva Hooky Street" "# Long live Hooky Street" "# C'est magnifique, Hooky Street" "# Magnifique, Hooky Street" "# Hooky Street #"