"## [Man Singing]" "## [Continues]" "## [Ends]" "[Jack Narrating] There's a saying we have in the kitchen:" "A sloppy station equals a sloppy mind." "Because let's face it." "Great food does not happen by accident." "Oh, oh!" "[Laughing] Oh!" "Oh!" "[Laughing] Aaah!" " Ow." " Problem with the veal there, junior?" " What?" "No, no." " See this?" "Your station's a mess 'cause your head's a mess." "Work clean." "You can't blame him for being a little distracted." "Hey, Jim." "Focus." " This will end in murder." " I know." "It's gonna be great." " [Jack] You can't do it like that." " [Teddy] What?" " You have to put it" " What, what, what?" " Come" "Hey, hey, hey, hey!" "You don't touch that!" "Listen." "I have great news." "But in keeping with the whole "we're both the boss" thing..." " we should tell the crew together." " Fine." "We're finalists for the Epicure Awards!" "[Cheering]" " So I can't have any joy?" " No, not really." "What" " What's an Epicure Award?" "Come on, junior." "Only the most important annual award in the restaurant world given to" "[All] The best of New York!" "[Laughing] Wow!" "That's great." "I gotta go tell Tan" " Uh, Tantou." "Uh, my imaginary cat- bird." "It's a cat-bird." "Tantou!" "You know, we should really get that guy a real cat." " Or a real bird." "Doesn't really matter." " Yeah." "The judge for this award's gonna be here Friday?" "How do you know?" "Well, sometimes information just has a way of "trickling out."" "Okay." "What the hell was that?" "I can't wink with one eye." "Anyway, the point is... this award is equally based on food and service." "Etiquette is crucial." "You are all gonna be thoroughly drilled." "You can't just lay there like you usually do." "I'm twice the woman you'll ever be." "Twice my weight." " Oh, I did." " Oh, yeah." "So, um, I was thinking that maybe, uh... tomorrow night we could do something special, like" " Buy an ice cream cake, then let it melt, and then drink it?" " Oh, you do that too?" "Wow!" "[Laughs]" "Um, actually..." "I was thinking maybe we could go out on an official... date." "Ooh, I want this award, Steven." "This is bigger than anything we've ever accomplished." "It's like summiting Everest." " But without the frostbite and the dead Sherpas." " Precisely." "And if we're gonna win this, we need to come up with something... fantastic, groundbreaking, truly unique." "How do you feel about pan-roasted panda?" " Get serious." " No, I know someone at the Bronx Zoo." "Can have him here shaved and ready by 5:00." "No." "Tanya!" "Remember how you told me how much you loved chocolate crème brûlée?" "Yeah." "That was a fun talk." "You want to tell me about this?" "Portuguese baby eels!" "That's it!" "That's what I'm doing!" "Portuguese baby eels?" "Check yourself." "Not in season yet." "Not for another couple weeks." "I guess there's not a river in the Castelo Branco region where the netting is early." "Steven." "Yeah." "Yeah, yeah." "I'm on it." "Of course, I already shaved the panda, but, you know." " Oh, that's good." " [Shouts]" "Ow." "Uh, whatever it is, Jim did it." "You cannot kill this lobster." "Well, of course not." "Absolutely not." "Why not?" "The Virgin Mary?" "You see the Virgin Mary in the shell of this lobster?" " Yes." " Okay, Ramon." " Just keep it to yourself, okay?" "Because if anybody finds out- - ¡Santa María!" " ¡Santa María!" " Oh, great!" "[Speaking Spanish]" "I can't even hear myself think in here." "Look, if we're gonna have a shot at the Epicure Award..." "I need to go upstairs so I can focus on the menu without distractions." " I'll take the helm." "I'll pop up if I need your help." " Listen." "About the eels" "¡Cállate, muchachos!" "[Chuckles] Don't worry yourself, mate." "By tomorrow morning, my hands are gonna be dripping in eely delight." " Oh, God." " What?" "No, this time I was actually talking about eels." "So I" " I decided the best thing to do... is to tell you, man-to-man" "That you have strong feelings for Tanya." "I really want to court her... but I won't do it without your blessing." "I'm sorry." "I am sorry." " [Laughing]" " Is that" " What is" " So is that a yes?" " Whatever you need to do, kid." " Oh, I" " You are the best friend ever." " It's what I do!" " Oh!" "Oh." "Whoa." "Did I miss it?" "Did you" " Did you destroy him?" "[Chuckles] I'm here for you, man." " Oh, oh." "Thanks." "Um, I guess Tanya's "taken"" " Mm-hmm." " and I am the "loser."" " Loser." "[Laughs] Nice try, T. rex!" "[Laughing]" "He" " He took that really well." " [Knocking]" " Steven, not now." "I really gotta focus, buddy." " [Door Opens] - [Becky] Hey, stranger." " Becky." " I heard you were up for an Epicure." "I thought I'd bring you a congratulatory gift." "It was either this or a fruit basket." "Well, can I at least see the fruit basket?" "Sure." " Okay, why so pouty?" " I'm not pouty." " Oh, yeah?" "What's this then?" " It's nothing." "I mean, I know that... you just set up your new restaurant and everything, but..." "I think you could've called." "Yeah." "I thought the naked apology would've covered that." "Well, it doesn't." "I'm still quite upset." "Not so upset you couldn't sleep with me." "Well, I'm upset." "I'm not crazy." "Fine." "I'm sorry I exploited our relationship to get my own restaurant." "I'm sorry I haven't called." "But I think I've got another present here for you... that I think is gonna make it up to you." "Now where'd I put that?" "Oh." "Right." " Where are you going?" " Ooh, here it is." "Oh, has that been there the whole time?" "[Sighs]" "Steven." "What's up?" " Rebecca." " Wow." "Oh, I get it." "I picked Jack over you, and you're still feeling hurt." "You don't know how I feel." "I'm British." "Even I don't know how I feel." "Oh, my God." "Portuguese eels?" "No one has those yet." "Where'd you get those?" "Got 'em from a little place called, uh, "I don't trust you." "Go to hell."" "Huh." "[Yawns]" "Oh." "[Chuckles]" "You're so good to me." "Oh, you got the eels!" "Yes." "For the groundbreaking dish that you've been toiling on all night... with no distractions to win us the crucial award." "Oh, and judging by your spent smile... and your satisfied little expression, you've obviously cracked it." "So tell me." "Huh?" "Tell us all." "Since there's so much at stake, tell me- tell me what it is." "Uh, you saw Becky leaving." " I saw Becky leaving." " Okay." " You're somewhat enraged." " I'm extremely enraged!" " It's not gonna get in the way." " It already has." "She is a succubus with the power... to drag your head out of the game and into her lap!" "Look." "She showed up at my doorstep naked in a trench coat." "I was weak." "I was wrong." " It's over." " [Cell Phone Rings]" "I promise." "Hello." "No." "No." "I" " I can't." "Fine, fine, fine." "I" " I" " I'll bring the check." " Who was that?" " Vendors." " Vendor." " Be right back." "Put those in a safe place." "[Moaning]" "I couldn't even make it to the subway." "I'll say this." "You're making me a much better liar." "[Laughs]" "Taste this." "Now you tell me that that's not an award-winning sauce." "Yeah." "It's okay." "It's certainly not terrible." "It's definitely not the worst thing I've ever" " Okay, it's genius." " So... who can perform brilliantly both in the bedroom and in the kitchen?" " Jack, uh" " I'm sorry." "Who?" " Is this really necessary?" " I believe it is." "Yeah." "There are no awards for "nice try."" " Count it off again!" " [All Groan]" " From the top!" "One!" " [All] Here are the menus." "Dinner's begun." " Two." " I am your waiter." "How do you do?" " Three." " Let me explain... what your courses will be." "[Mouthing Words]" " Four!" " Pull the cork and start to pour." "[Groans]" "Five." "Old plates go." "New ones arrive." "Old plates go." "New ones arrive." "Where the hell are the busboys?" "## [Chorus Vocalizing]" "Okay." "[Chuckles]" "Fun's over." "Stop worshipping my entrée, people." " It's holy." " It is a sea roach, Ramon." "[Giggles]" "Your best friend wants something." "It's right in front of him." "He can't have it, and- and you think that's funny?" "Yes." "Yes, I do." "[Both Laughing]" " Very well." " [Tanya] Does that feel good, baby?" "You know it does." "[Chuckles] Mmm." "I can't breathe." "You're right." "That is funny." " [Chuckles]" " Oh." "Oh." "Hi, Dad." "Are you here checking up on me?" "Only because I think you're not up to the job." "Oh." "Well, thanks for pulling that punch." "But rest assured, everything is going great." "I can't breathe." "I can't breathe!" "Everything else is going great." "My restaurant has been nominated for the Epicure Award." " And I have every confidence we're gonna win." " Confidence." "Good." "Of course, I'm sure your competition is confident as well." "But it doesn't matter who our competition is 'cause we're gonna kick their asses." "Why?" "Who's our competition?" " My dad's gonna win that award." " No, he's not." "It's impossible." " His new restaurant is also a finalist." " Look." " Becky's the head chef, and she never said anything." " You've been talking to Becky?" "No!" "What?" "No." "That's why she never said anything, because I've never" "I never- I haven't been talking to her." "It all tracks- what I said." "He's such a taker." "My whole life, he's never given me anything." "Except this restaurant." "And the convertible." " And the pony." "We have to crush him." " Oh, yeah." "Oh, yeah." "No, no, no." "They're both going down." "Don't flip out." " Stop it." " [Grunts]" " Jack, you're flippin' out." " I am not flipping out." " I am calmly asking that you get the hell out of my head." " What exactly..." " do you think I've been doing?" " I think you've been spying on me!" "I think that you have an agenda, quite possibly to steal my chi." " Your chi?" " My mojo, my thunder, my special magic." " Jack, you're crazy." " Am I?" "Then why didn't you mention that we're up for the same award?" "Because I didn't want to make things awkward." "And while... we're accusing each other of spying, who's standing in whose kitchen right now, huh?" "Okay, I" " I can't" "Okay." "I'm gonna go figure out how I lost this argument." "I'm gonna come back." "I'm gonna come back, and I'm gonna argue some more." "No, no, no." "My soupspoon is askew." "'Cause you put it that way." "In this exercise, I'm the customer, and the customer is" " Always right." " [Whispers] A bitch." "So when the customer looks away, you silently, stealthily correct it." "Okay." "I'm looking away." "Mmm." "Delicious." "[Seth] What are you gonna be?" "One of his nine wives?" " Seth, what are you doing?" " What are you doing?" " What is anyone doing?" " Buddy, we need you back in the kitchen." " We can't win without ya." " There are no winners... in a world where Jim gets Tanya, man." "Except for Jim." "Bastard!" " All right." "That's it." "That's it." " [Sobbing]" "Now you man up!" "You man up right now!" " Man up?" " Be a man about it!" "That's it." "Man up." "Jack, you're so right." " [Mouths Word]" " I'm a pâtissier, damn it!" "That's right!" "That's right!" "Now you go back in there, and you bake your pastries." "And you bake 'em lighter and sweeter... and flakier than you ever baked 'em before!" "'Cause that's how a man would do it." "Like a man would do it!" "[Shouts]" "Knock, knock." "I thought I'd swing by and borrow a cup of mojo." "I mean, but if you're a little low, I could settle for a quart of chi." "Ha, ha." "I'm still mad." "I'm sorry I didn't tell you that we were in competition." "But did it ever occur to you... that the real reason I came back is because you are an incredibly charming... and gorgeous guy, and I couldn't stay away?" "Yeah, it occurred to me." "It's still nice to hear." " ## [Rock] - ## [Man Singing]" " [Together] Ready?" "One, two, three, go!" " ## [Continues]" " Oh, no, no, no, no, no!" "No, no, no." " Yeah!" "Wait." "## [Continues]" "## [Continues]" "Wait, wait." "Do you have- Do you have a stapler on your bed?" " No." " Great." "Let's go have sex there." "## [Ends]" "[Sighs] Where is everybody?" "Okay, guys." "Come on." "We got an award to win." "We got a judge coming tonight." "What's going on here?" " What the hell happened here?" " [Steven Chuckles] Oh, I don't know." "Somebody destroyed our chances, our hopes." "Let's go through the suspects, shall we?" "PETA?" "Nah." "They're out." "No fur." "Uh, Eel Rescue?" "Probably not." "They don't exist." " Becky?" "Hmm?" "How about her?" " Becky?" "What does she have to do with this?" " Jack's been shagging her again!" " Again?" " Was it good?" " Just because we were shagging and she's up for" " Are you crazy?" " Was it good?" "[Mutters] I mean, it's not like he brought her in here." " Well, briefly, but" " Give me a knife." "I'm gonna cut his pretty face!" "[Stammers] Sidekick to the village idiot!" "You're trying to indict an innocent person here, and you have zero- zero evidence!" "You defended me?" "That was so sweet." "And foolish." "How could you screw me over?" "Again!" "Jack, this is our thing." "This is what we do." "You know that." "Or maybe you don't." "Because our relationship... is all about sex with you and not about listening." "So" " So this is all my fault?" " Let's not assign blame." "There are no villains here." " Yes, there are!" " You are the villain!" " All right." "Come on, Jack." "Don't play hurt." "You've been working people your whole life." "Yeah." "But I would never sandbag somebody that I love." "Care about." "Never mind." "I gotta go." "[Beeps]" " [Chattering] - [Mimi]Are you enjoying your meal?" " Hi." " Hi." " Potemkin, 8:00." " Yes." "One second." "Psst!" " Are you ready to order?" " Yes." "We'll have the tuna tartare." "Psst!" "Judge!" "Uh, bad choice." "Uh, parasites." "Keep thinkin'." "Oh!" "Welcome." "Welcome." "What are you talking about no eels?" "What happened?" "Jack slept with Becky." "She sabotaged the restaurant." " Cameron!" " What?" "What?" "I enjoy mixing things up." " You" " Oh" " Oh, my God." "I knew this would happen." "You blew it." "That's your job- to blow things for me." " You were put on this earth to diminish me." " I'm sorry." "Were you talking?" "Yes, I was talking!" "What are we gonna do?" "What are we gonna do?" "We're gonna-We're gonna... stall him." "Stall him." "[Cameron] Welcome to Nolita." "If I may, I'd like to tell you a little about our tasting menu this evening." "We begin with the bread." "Since the dawn of time... man has had a complex relationship with bread." "The Etruscans made it in stone ovens, using mostly spelt- and slaves." "You cannot cook the mother of Jesus." "Ever think that maybe this is why she appeared to us?" "To feed a hungry judge... win us an award." "Come on." "Isn't that what Jesus is all about?" "Winning?" "You just can't talk religion with some people, eh?" "The choice is yours." "But if you spare her, a miracle will occur." "No, Ramon." "The choice is yours." "It's this or dental." "Would you just do it already?" "I can only cram so many breadsticks into this guy!" "I can't." "I just can't do it!" " Just do it." "What do you think is gonna happen?" " Can you believe it?" "It's rush hour, and I got a cab." "It's a freakin' miracle." "Somebody help me with these eels, huh?" "I always knew shagging Becky would pay off." "[Gasps] Aaah!" "Forgive me." "Here we go." "The main course." "Portuguese baby eels, braised in a light citrus sauce." "Really?" "How on earth did you get these?" "Actually, that is a fascinating story." " I withdraw the question." " Enjoy." "[Chattering]" " We're gonna settle this now." " Settle what?" " See who's the bigger man." " Um, okay." " We're having a contest." " A man contest?" " A man contest." " Okay." "Here's what it is:" "Whoever makes the biggest doughnut wins." "Go!" "What was that about?" "I don't know, baby." "I don't know." "This is spectacular." "Really." "Outstanding." "As far as I'm concerned, this award is a foregone conclusion." "Well, our chef, Jack Bourdain, is something of a miracle worker." " [Chuckles] - ## [Chorus Vocalizing]" "¡Santa María!" "So you kill my eels so I lose, but then you give me your eels so I win." " Women, huh?" " I know, right?" "I guess the part of me that's crazy about you won out..." " over the part of me that wants to kick your ass all the time." " Whoa." "What's going on here?" " You getting girlie on me?" " That makes two of us." "So, you think you could handle this for a while?" "I don't know." "You ever gonna get fat?" " Oh!" " No." "Do you have pictures of your mom?" " Did she ever get fat?" " Oh, shut up." "Hmm." "As long as everyone's getting cozy, we could just, uh, you know" " Don't ever touch me." " Okay." "[Mimi] Get a room."