"APPLAUSE" "Well! good evening." "the adrenalin's pumping and we're ready for fight or flight." "we have Sean "Fists Of Fury" Lock and "Gentleman" Johnny Vegas!" "APPLAUSE" "Pam "Float Like A Bee" Ayres and Alan "Sting Like A Butterfly" Davies!" "APPLAUSE" "Fabulous. so fire away." "Pam goes..." "MACHINE-GUN AND PLANE ENGINE wow." "It's like a machine-gun." "I think it actually IS a machine-gun." "I think it is a machine-gun." "Johnny goes..." "PLANE DIVES AND SHOTS FIRE with full body swerve." "I think I should lean." "He's all over me!" "And Sean goes..." "HEAVY FIRE" "Pumping." "And Alan goes..." "FAST DIVE THEN CRASH dear." "APPLAUSE which is freefall parachuting." "We've got some film for you." "Pay close attention." "So what happens next?" "That's the question." "He's about to pull the ripcord and what will happen?" "it went a sort of a yellow colour. but why do freefalling AND sodomy at the same time?" "Why not just do one and THEN the other?" "It was such a reasonable price." "Was it literally all-in?" "what is the thing that happens after the ripcord is pulled?" "didn't you?" "I did a static-line one." "so you know I'm a woman of some substance." "where the bloke hits you on the shoulder the string becomes taut and pulls off the bag and the parachute opens." "That's very much..." "This is what you hope happens." "And did it?" "Yes." "felt some... erotic feelings towards your instructor." "Is that correct?" "I did." "I took a shine to the instructor." "cos I wanted to impress him." "I jump out of the window." "Just to show them that I really care." ""Are you impressed?"" "I dig chicks in flats!" "which you're not stupid enough this is really because I as a child was convinced... the guy goes upwards." "I subsequently learned that it's because so relative it looks as if you're going up." "we can see." "There he goes!" "It looks so much as if you're just shooting upwards." "Yeah." "It's the most lovely feeling because you can see everything and you've got your toggles you know you're not going to die." "Yeah." "That was THE moment for me." "The euphoria when it opens." "How high up were you?" "000ft." "what...?" "45 seconds of freefall." "Two and a half miles." "Want to know what the world record is?" "Can you guess what the world record is?" "yes." "which is something... 18 miles up...?" "Something like that. it would be very noisy on the way down." "He actually went...he went as far... did this jump?" "He went as a fop." "He achieved..." "I'm a dandy highwayman!" "he achieved a speed of 614mph... but he said it was gorgeous." "He said it was as if he'd remained stationary and the balloon had shot why did "Shorty" Longbottom have a pink Spitfire?" "MACHINE-GUN AND PLANE ENGINE" "Pam." "It was puffed." "LAUGHTER" "It was...?" "Say again." "Puffed!" "yes." "I see!" "LAUGHTER" "Thank God for that!" "I was worried for a moment that we'd strayed into territory somehow." "No." "it was a pretty new one and it was a very light one." "It was a very special one." "Did he take hen-dos out on a weekend?" "when the war slowed down? did he get her in the back and take her around town?" "What were the female members of the RAF?" "What were they called?" "Wrens." "WAAFs." "WAAFs." "And how would you know that?" "Because I was one." "Oh!" "We seem to be in your territory again." "I joined the Women's Royal Air Force and I went to Singapore and Germany and I had a very nice time." "Excellent." "LAUGHTER" "It's very good to know." "You should do recruiting." "You should!" "I had a lovely time. and I couldn't do it." "he was a bad man." "Evil." "Evil." "What do you want to do?" "Maths." They put me in a maths class!" "No!" "Can you believe that?" "That's not good enough." "When I was obviously built for dancing." "LAUGHTER" "It was outrageous." "Was your drawing anything to do with aerial photographs?" "this answer... here." "Go on." "If you are studying aerial photography you can calculate the scale." ""Calculate the score" then." "therefore..." "Yes. the Germans are the kind of utter swine who won't play cricket." "LAUGHTER So it was tricky if you didn't have a cricket pitch on the photograph. you wanted to send an aeroplane over to take photographs..." "Is it some sort of disguise?" "Camouflage?" "Camouflage is the right answer." "or pink..." "Yeah." "and that stood out." "And there it is." "Shorty" Longbottom's pink Spitfire. wouldn't the other planes just naturally flirt with it?" "You'd think this would be the big..." "The pilots would abandon their dog-fighting skills" "Hello!" "It came back from the Dambusters thing pregnant." "it certainly shows..." "You've got to love your country the sky has a sort of pink tinge to it." "doesn't it? you could paint it as a ship." "LAUGHTER" "Yes." "And it was at that point that Ayres was asked to leave the round." "Yes." "Exactly." "The whole of Germany turned into that bloke from the Laurel And Hardy films." "Throwing booze away." "Exactly." "I can't hear anything you say!" "I'm just... or take it off." "let me keep talking." "there we are." "Reconnaissance Spitfires were painted pink to match the clouds." "who gives a flying fff-fish?" "aren't they?" "Beautiful animals." "I was told that flying fish only ever fly alone." "Alan." "Flying fish only fly alone." "I've seen them." "They fly in shoals." "I was on scuba-diving trip and I met a German and he was adamant." "Zey only fly alone!" "wouldn't they?" "What you mean is they don't fly in a formation like the Red Devils." "like that." "they don't do that." "Do you know what the French for a flying fish is?" "Poisson...d'aeroplane?" "LAUGHTER it's slightly more creepy for those of us of a certain generation." "It's Exocet." "gosh." "And what do you know of the Exocet?" "It's a missile." "yes." "It was used against us in the Falklands War." "So do they fly or glide?" "Neither." "I've seen them and they fly for..." "I'm so excited I must say this." "They fly for ages. like that." "because they flew for so long. so you know they were really fish. but I have it here on pretty solid authority that 30 seconds is a long time for them to stay in the air in one go." "30 seconds. but even if they move these pectoral fins that would count as flying but it seems they are fixed." "Who's going to tell Pam that she probably witnessed a duck?" "LAUGHTER" "It wasn't a duck." "I heard what he said." "It wasn't a duck." "It was not a duck at all." "No?" "Is that what he said?" "He did." "He may have done. so I know the difference between a duck and a flying fish." "It just looks to me like you keep telling me to eff off." "You - duck - duck - fish." "I didn't realise you'd noticed." "Pam." "I'm glad my ears are cut off. where it's their staple diet." "I..." "I'd have thought." "Exactly." "Do you use a 12-bore or a net?" "Or one in each hand." "That's what I do." "you'd just make a little landing strip." "LAUGHTER some tea candles." "Then wave them in!" "waiting for them to go..." "Bring it in?" "they've all got grand ideas of being jumbo jets." "however." "What's the opposite of a flying fish?" "Tunnelling flamingo." "LAUGHTER" "Is it going to be some sort of bottom-dwelling... usually?" "Is it a sinking bat?" "Fish usually swim." "What usually flies?" "Birds." "Birds." "Birds." "that's a point." "but which birds are particularly astonishing?" "Chocolate biscuit." "Cormorants." "Chocolate biscuit!" "Chocolate biscuit." "P-P-Pick up a-a-a-a..." "A stork." "LAUGHTER swimming and flying are absolutely no different. it's just the medium of one is water and the other is air." "it's doing what all birds do." "It's just doing it in the water. if no other birds can see it?" "It..." "Why would it want other birds to see it?" "It's magnificent." ""Look at this!" "Look what I've done!" ""Look at that BEEP!" "I think." "do they?" "come to think of it now." "LAUGHTER all of them." "And the ones with the spines and the horns." "LAUGHTER from flying fish to the fishing fly." "Ho ho." "Why do women make the best fishermen?" "MACHINE-GUN FIRE" "They're all descended from mermaids." "LAUGHTER" "It's a very sweet thought." "I don't know that that's true." "I can imagine you whispering that into a girl's ear." "they negotiated a deal with the octopus witch to let them also have their voices back." "LAUGHTER" "I need to write this down!" "If I can teach my kids this." "This is... 16..." "It was a massive summit." "Was it?" "Johnny." "I'm not sure." "I'll check. because a lot of the mackerel were told to BLEEP in shoals." "Right." "I see that now." "OK." "OK." "I think I actually know this." "Yes?" "Go on. because there was a chemical in it because they think it gives off..." "You're absolutely right." "This is what people think." "APPLAUSE" "You're right." "We called him a pervert for years." "You're right that this is what people think." "it is completely untrue." "LAUGHTER" "Someone wrote a letter to The Field in which he said and a whole generation of fishermen copied this. pheromones that women give off... there is absolutely no evidence that humans give off pheromones of any kind." "So why are women... the British record for the largest fish caught on these islands is held by women." "There was a 64lb salmon caught by a Miss Georgina Ballantyne." "she was a very experienced angler." "Why does she think it's a saxophone?" "LAUGHTER" "She does." ""We'll be in a relationship." "throw me back!" In fact..." "And there was a 66lb catfish caught at Oundle" "Bev Street. no-one would be groping around for reasons as to why men were good fishermen." "The fact that women hold the record" "There must be some explanation for that." "It can't be because they're good at fishing." "It must be because they give off a chemical!" "anyway." "Fantastic." "which one wins?" "LAUGHTER" "MACHINE-GUN FIRE" "Johnny?" "Which one's had the Stella?" "Johnny." "they're on different continents?" "they have met." "It's been organised." "A very sick human..." "It's been organised?" "In a car-park?" "I'm afraid." "It was during the Gold Rush." "I'd back a lion." "would you?" "KLAXON no." "I'm afraid it is the bear every time." "Really?" "The skull of the lion is thin it has no real bone-strength and a bear can just crush the skull of a lion like that." "The lion never gets a chance to get in there and the bear would win every time. started with bears against various other animals." "for example." "Yuck." "How horrible." "It's so cruel and unpleasant." "so they shipped in lions and they roared in there but the bear was just too..." "Dnnn!" "Every time..." "Poor old lion." "..Crushed its skull." "My dad was a boxer." "Was he?" "Yeah." "Mine was an Irish setter." "Was he?" "LAUGHTER" "Sorry." "Was he really?" "he was." "He had this horseshoe that he took everywhere with him." "Yes?" "And he kept it in the boxing glove?" "You must have known my dad!" "though." "wouldn't it?" "You feel it would. because it's interesting." "Name something that's easier to do when you're wearing boxing gloves." "Frisk a porcupine!" "Very good!" "Give up masturbating!" "LAUGHTER" "I suppose." "but I suppose what I was coming to is that what it really makes it easier to do is to kill someone." "Yeah." "It's a lot easier to kill people wearing boxing gloves than it was ever in the bare-knuckle days." "Why?" "In those days almost no-one ever died." "There were two recorded instances in 150 years of bare-knuckle prize-fighting." "I like the shorts!" "aren't they?" "can you?" "Repeatedly. so in the old days people punched against the chest but they avoided the chin - they would hurt themselves. they were battering each other in the face..." "I see." "four people a year die in America alone from boxing injuries." "It's a very dangerous sport indeed. people would survive and walk away." "In the words of the British boxer but none of them serious." "what kind of birds used to go out with Viking sailors?" "Turkeys." "Chickens." "No." "Geese." "Swans." "Birds we didn't have here till they arrived." "They helped them find their way..." "Yes. .." "Through the fog." "no." "which the Vikings liked to do." "What would be the purpose of it?" "this." "Is it one that would go up high and see further than you could see?" "Yes." "A talking bird!" "couldn't swim... it would head towards land and you'd follow it." "right. that can't land in the water." "000ft and you can still see it." "so you follow it in that direction." "it would come back down again and you'd carry on sailing." "Yes?" "Is it a budgie?" "It's not a budgie." "What a pity." "It's actually a..." "Noah uses it." "Is it a gander?" "It's not a gander." "Is it a dove?" "help us." "Raven." "Very good." "I was going to say that." "I was going to say that at the start." "a raven." "Can't land on water." "So the religious maniac in the audience got it right." "Noah used that first." "Isn't that a cunning thing to do?" "and his name was Flopsi..." "Is he the one with the pink ship?" "I got his name a bit wrong." "Did he have very long ears?" "There was a group of them." "he is known to this day as Raven-Floki by sending a raven." "Now in which direction do rockets..." "What if the ravens... And it was the first raven that ingeniously used humans..." "I like the way your mind works." "..to transport us..." You know what I mean?" ""Kaa!" "Kaa!" "Think these things through!" "I believe they would say..." "There's nothing worse than a half-baked idea." "don't bully the poor thing." "in which direction do rockets accelerate best?" "HEAVY FIRE Yes?" "Down." "No." "fair enough." "Do they leave the ground quicker than they return to the ground?" "Is that the thing?" "it's where do they get their maximum acceleration?" "In which position?" "Horizontal." "Horizontal is the right answer. almost." "not vertically." "But you know when there was the Greenham Common protest about cruise missiles?" "I remember that." "they're shaped like penises." "They're about man's aggression." "They're shaped like that because that's the most aerodynamic shape." "would they?" "I propel if you please." "Which of the armed services refers to the left and right sides of an aeroplane as port and starboard?" "HEAVY FIRE wouldn't it?" "in fact." "For very good reasons." "The RAF? and they have to keep port and starboard as being according to the axis of the boat." "you could get death and confusion and disaster." "it says the left wing and the right wing." "here?" "while we're still in the Navy and the Army." "A busby." "he's not wearing a busby." "yes." "I was going to say a medal." "isn't it?" "It's not called a busby." "We will show you a busby." "on the right hand and the left hand." "Those are busbies." "Much shorter." "But what is the bearskin made of?" "Bear." "Nylon?" "Wood?" "Acrylic." "bear hair. but they get bedraggled in the wet and they stand up with static electricity and look preposterous." "you wouldn't want to look preposterous on parade." "What would win in a fight between them two hats? because you said your..." "Who did you say was in the Guards?" "My dad was a Grenadier Guard." "there are five regiments in the Brigade Of Guards." "Can you tell me which he's in?" "There's a way of telling." "I'm afraid I don't know." "My father wouldn't be very pleased with me." "Buttons." "Yes." "The Grenadier Guards' buttons are evenly spaced." "it means he's in the Coldstream Guards." "you're in the Scottish Guards." "and fives is the Welsh Guards." "What if you've got a zip?" "it's just Velcro." "I'm going to change your guard!" "I'm going to be trooping my colour!" "LAUGHTER" "APPLAUSE dear." "Guards were indeed very..." "There were lots of stories about men doing things with Guardsmen in the '50s and '60s." "And that story of Churchill being woken up one morning when he was PM in the '50s" "Prime Minister." "One of our backbench MPs was found with a Guardsman in St James's Park in the bushes last night and the papers have got hold of it." "Yes." "wasn't it?" "Prime Minister." "I believe it was one of the coldest February nights for 30 years." "Makes you proud to be British." "Don't think they'd have that attitude now." "the tall hat worn by the Foot Guards is a bearskin." "that's a busby." "be very afraid." "because I'm ready to tell you the scores." "no!" "really interesting. it's Pam Ayres!" "Oh!" "ENTHUSIASTIC APPLAUSE is Johnny Vegas!" "Yeah!" "who's not last! Sean Lock!" "APPLAUSE and I leave you with this thought on the subject of fight or flight from Michael Freedman." "The scientific name for an animal that doesn't either run from or fight its enemies is "lunch"." "Goodnight." "Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd" "E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk"