"Boy, it is great to start the day with something warm and mushy." "What's that suppose to mean?" "I'm talking about the cereal, Ben!" "Oh, the cereal!" "The farina." "The farina, yes." "The thinking man's..." "Oatmeal." "Dad, you're like, so terribly predictable." "Do you know how many times you've said" ""Farina, the thinking man's oatmeal" joke?" "Yeah." "Yeah, there's the "yeah"." "Ben, keep your hands out of my farina, please?" "Oh, see, now you're gonna be defensive and..." "So what do you got going on today, Ben?" "Oh, here we go, changing the subject..." "What've you got going on today?" "Why the tough questions?" "Why am I supposed to deal with that now?" "Just let it happen naturally." "There's a whole wide, wide world out there..." "Ah, not this speech again!" "This is not the one that you think I'm gonna give you, do you think I'm gonna give you the one about..." "There are 3 "Wide, wide world" speeches you've given me..." "There's "Wide, wide, world" speech..." "Oh, man!" "Number 4, I'm working on it!" "No, well, do change it up, 'cause I'm sick of it!" "You just gotta do what you gotta do, Ben." "Dad, I bid you adieu." "I see you an adieu, and I raise you a toodle-loo." "Yeah, uh, Laura?" "Can I ask you a question?" "Hmm?" "W-w-why don't you like me?" "You seem like you don't like me." "Like I, I come in here" "I try to be nice and you look at me with that angry disapproving look!" "I know, are you one of those girls who likes guys who are hard to get?" "That's it, okay, please ignore what I said before!" "I don't care about you!" "I don't even notice you!" "I don't notice you!" "I'm walking around the room, I don't notice anyone!" "Hey, Laura!" "Ask me what I'm thinking about right this moment!" "Go ahead, say, "Gilbert, what are you thinking about?"" "Gilbert, what are you thinking about?" "Not you, Laura!" "You know, you might not realize this but my parents were Jewish." "No..." "I know, you probably think" ""Well, that's very strange because you seem like a tall barrel-chested Norwegian gentleman!"" "Actually..." "But my parents actually were Jewish and filled me with guilt." "Hmmm." "I had to take the blame for everything." "It's like, my parents would walk into the room and go," ""Look!" "Look!" "Look!" "It's nighttime out!" "You know why it's nighttime?" "You did that!" "You did that!" "You couldn't be happy having it daytime, so you had to make it nighttime."" ""You know president Lincoln?" "He's dead!" "You know why he's dead?" "You did it!"" "I also knew the Beatles when they were getting together and they couldn't come up with a name for their group." "In fact, they came to me and said," ""We have a group, we don't know what to call it." "We're thinking of calling ourselves... '5 nice looking young men who play musical instruments and are not Jewish'"" "and I said, "I think it's a long title and I think it's information that is not necessary."" "And they said, "okay"..." "Came back to me the next day, they said," ""We're thinking of calling ourselves '4 guys, we've got long hair, we're nice gentlemen but we just so happen not to be Jewish!" "'"" "and I say, "I really don't think that information is pertinent!"" "Finally, they came to me and said," ""We're gonna call ourselves 'The Beatles'!"" "I said, "That's a great name!"" "And then they said," ""...who just so happen not to be Jewish"." "Dr. Katz's office." "Laura?" "Hi, Ben." "Can I take a minute of your time, here?" "'Cause I got a little situation on my hands here first of all, I've got the mail today, which I do every day but today was a little different." "I got a letter." "Wow." "I was kinda afraid to open it first I thought it was a subpoena." "I got a chain letter." "Who sent it to you?" "Well, this kid named Lance Garcy who at first I didn't realize who that was, but then I realized it's a guy I went to elementary school with." "Well, Ben..." "Can I read it to you?" "Good." ""This is a chain letter."" "I don't know if Lance wrote that, or it sounds like him." ""Within 24 hours you must send it to 10 other people." "On the third day, the person you're most attracted to will send you some kind of signal revealing their feelings toward you."" "Hmmm?" "Hmmm?" "Now, here's the bad part..." "Takes a big turn." ""Warning..." "If you don't pass this on something as bad as this story or worse will happen to you." "Take Heather Dickson of Bufford, Minnesota..."" "Then it goes on to talk about Heather Dickson a guy named Keith who she fell in love with and she didn't send the letters to 10 people and he died in a massive car accident." "Is this the thing that's been causing all the death in the world?" "I actually visited Paul McCartney, recently." "I visited Paul and Linda up in their farm." "Linda refuses to let anyone eat meat." "It's strictly vegetarian." "And when I spoke to them on the phone, Paul said to me," ""Look, can you sneak me a hamburger or something just please, anything, maybe a beef jerky you can stick it in your shoe," "I just need some meat!"" "And then I walked in the door and Paul said," ""Did you bring anything, did you get me a little piece of ham?" "For god's sakes!"" "And Linda said, "No, we're gonna be eating rhubarb."" "And Paul said," ""Hey, Gil, why don't we walk outside, get some fresh air"" "and when we got outside, Paul said," ""Look, why don't you kill one of those sheep we'll just rip it apart with our bare teeth!"" "And I said, "No, Linda I'm sure will get angry!"" "And he said, "Well, for god's sake!" "Can I at least lick your arm?"" "Dad?" "I gotta talk to you about something important, here." "I'm dealing with an issue here at home." "And I need to..." "Just spit it out, Ben!" "Well, I got a letter." "Okay." "It's a chain letter." "And uhhh..." "Chain letters are an incredible waste of time." "They're what a lot of people refer to it as "networking"." "I think you're overreacting, it's just a letter, Ben." "No, dad, you don't understand!" "I have the power of life and death in my hands right now." "So I would not mess with me." "I'm like a god, right now." "Yeah." "And you should see me right now..." "I am shining." "Hey, Laura." "Hi." "I'm Wendy Liebman." "Uh-huh." "Oh..." "That's not how you spell it... it's "I-e"." "Well, that's not how you spell it." "♫ Doo-doo-li-doo... ♫" "I... did yoga the other day because somebody told me that when you do yoga you could reach a higher level of consciousness and that intrigued me." "It's a lot easier just to drink and then get your leg behind your neck like that..." "I was in so much pain, so I got a massage." "I love getting a massage from the bellhop, I love that." "Is that true?" "Actually it was a woman named "Martha"" "and she was really hurting me she was rubbing really hard on my back" "I said, "Are you trying to start fire back there?"" "Because she was really hurting me... she said," ""I'm attacking your pressure points."" "So, I gave her my parent's address." "I'm very spiritual." "Uh-huh." "Every day I pray for money, and power, and sex." "That's beautiful." "Laura?" "Yeah." "Hi!" "How are you?" "Fine." "It's funny, I'm compiling a list of addresses of people I know..." "And you are..." "Missing." "So I want to just fill you in here let me check under... yup, uncle Max, he's on there my home address, and then Laura, yeah, I don't have yours..." "So, if you could kindly provide that?" "Not a chance." "Right." "I went to my 30th class reunion..." "From nursery school." "And I didn't wanna go, Dr. Katz, 'cause I've put on like 100 pounds." "Yeah?" "I like my body..." "It gets me around." "I want an hourglass figure." "Right now I have an hour and a half..." "I have a little bit too much time on my ass." "Dr. Katz's office." "Hello, Laura!" "If you can tell me your complete address including zip code you may be eligible to win an all expense paid..." "Ben..." "I gonna have to take that again, Bobby!" "Ben, what do you want?" "If you can tell me your complete address including zip code you may be eligible to win an all expense paid trip to uhh..." "The Bahamas!" "Ben!" "I haven't touched a man, since "Hands across America"." "What about the guy you're telling me about last week?" "I go out with my old boyfriend a lot we're into recycling..." "We use each other again." "We still talk, we reminisce about the good old day." "Well, why didn't it work out?" "He was cheating on me with his secretary." "I found lipstick on his collar, covered with white-out." "I should've married my high school sweetheart, you know." "I had a typical high school romance." "I was a cheerleader and he was on the faculty..." "Go, Mr. Jameson!" "Dr. Katz's office." "Hey, Laura!" "I bet you think I'm gonna ask you for your address again but I am not..." "So, what is it?" "I didn't have to go to work today 'cause I don't have a job." "Yeah, but you used to work." "I was a secretary for 6 years while I was doing stand-up at night." "Like a lot of secretaries, I practically ran that company..." "Into the ground." "My boss was so mean, I would call in sick a lot, I'd go..." ""Yeah, I have female problems."" "And she didn't know that I meant her!" "Was it a happy ending to that story?" "I didn't even give 2 weeks notice when I left because..." "I was fired." "Quit, fired, what's the difference, Dr. Katz?" "I mean besides the kind of party that they throw?" "Laura?" "Yeah." "I have some good news for you yeah?" "And was wondering if you could come in here 'cause I'd like to tell you." "Why don't you just tell me?" "Well, it's more like a "face to face" kind of development here..." "So if you can come in here that would be great." "So why don't you just bring your big shiny face out here and lay it on me?" "Well, you know I have some paperwork here and I thought..." "Hold on, I have to get the phone." "Okay." "Dr. Katz's office." "Laura, hey, can I quickly get your address, please?" "No." " Just quickly?" " No!" " Quicker!" " Is that Ben?" "Let's get this done quick!" "I just want the address and the apartment number do you live in an apartment or house?" "Is that Ben, Laura?" "Yes." "Yes, what?" "House or apartment?" "Can you tell him that now is not a good time?" "Laura?" "Laura, just tell him that now is not a good time..." "No." "Laura, I'm just asking you a question, is it a house or an apartment?" "Shut your fat mouth!" "Hey, Laura, that's not nice!" "I can't handle this!" "So, Laura..." "Yeah?" "Here's the good news that I was telling you about..." "I have created what's called a "Profit sharing plan"" "which means that every quarter" "I will put some money from this company into a... essentially a retirement account, not just for myself, but for you as well." "Money that would become yours when you turn 59." "Oh..." "That's what I was so anxious to tell you about." "Could I just have an extra 15 minutes for lunch instead?" "See, I think that it's hard for someone your age to appreciate what that kind of financial security means." "Oh..." "Could I..." "Yeah?" "Could I have an extra 15 minutes for lunch... too?" "I think we can do that." "And then for a while the Beatles had George coming in with that Indian guy." "Yeah?" "He would bring the maharishi in and they'd say," ""What is this guy?" "Why are you bringing him here?"" "And then he'd go, "Oh, this is a different type of music!" "It's the maharishi!" "He's a small Indian fellow and he plays this thing called 'the sitar'." "Well, yeah, I know, but that doesn't work for the type of music we're playing!" "See, I don't know if you realize this but we don't play Indian music!" "We play rock music!" "If we had a little restaurant where we served curry then maybe you could bring this guy along!"" "Yeah, I mean, this is, Gilbert this is a fascinating piece of musical history." "But let's talk about you for a minute." "Can we focus on you for a second here?" "Isn't there something you want to talk about..." "Some pressing issue?" "Something personal?" "Ah, you know, you're right." "There is something I want to talk to you about." "Oh, good." "Where did you get that tie?" "You see, this is..." "Can I try it on?" "Let me try on that tie!" "No, because I don't wanna contribute," "I don't want to help you postpone..." "If you don't want to help me, how am I gonna get help?" "I come here and I pay for help, and you're not gonna help me?" "Well, you're resisting my help." "Well, then, give me the tie." "Okay, here's the tie." "Okay, help me tie it." "I can't..." "Help me tie the tie!" "I can't do that unless..." "Help me tie the tie!" "I'm gonna start screaming!" "No, I will do it but..." "Aaarrghhh!" "Aarrgghh!" "Aarrggh!" "Ben, hasn't it been 3 days since you got the letter?" "Yeah, it's been about 3 days..." "Isn't there a time limit on this?" "I actually called Lance and I got an extension." "Hmmm." "This list is not great..." "The deli guy, uncle Max, my father..." "The mailman, he was involved from the beginning," "I'm sending one to senator Carlisle because his address was in the paper today..." "Let me ask you a quick question, Laura." "What the hell is a 25-year-old kid doing sending around a chain letter like an idiot?" "Like a 10-year-old?" "I don't know." "I don't mean me, even though I'm doing that, but he started it." "These are grown people, who are sending chain letters!" "Don't they have anything better to do?" "I don't know, do you?" "Have you ever gotten a chain letter before?" "Yeah, I think I've gotten..." "You think you've got one?" "Yeah." "You have?" "Uh, yeah?" "What did you do with it?" "Threw it away." "Oh, you're gonna die." "You're gonna die!" "How long ago was that?" "Laura?" "Laura?" "Get help!" "Somebody get help!" "You know, doctor!" "You speak very quietly." "What would you do if you were in a burning building and you had to scream for help?" "I can scream, if I need to scream." "Okay, here... the flames are engulfing the entire building and the firemen are 5 blocks away." "What do you yell to them?" ""Guys, uhh... things are really out of control here"." "See, I don't think they'd take that seriously!" ""Guys, a little cold water, please?"" "I invited her into my office..." " Um-hmm." " Uh-huh." "and I said to her, "I have some great news."" "I have created a profit-sharing plan for her." "Very nice." "And it was as if I said "You have lymphoma"." "Huh... that's a very specific reaction..." "That is very specific." "Why do you think she reacted that way?" "My theory is she just doesn't wanna think of being 59 someday." "I think that's what I thought of too... yeah." "She doesn't want to think of me being her future." "Right... being 59 and still working for you." "And also very hard for someone that age to appreciate what financial security means." "What happens if she doesn't stay with you till she's 59?" "What happens to that money?" "Hey, good question." "I think I get it." "Nice." "How much money are we talking about?" "$8 every 3 months." "Well..." "Uhhm..." "I mean I can understand why she's not..." "That's $32 a year." "Ohh..." "That's money that earns interest." "Oh yeah!" "And the law is very specific, it says, once she turns 59 and a half she's eligible to collect that money." "Why 59 and a half?" "That's weird." "The half was my idea." "Aahhh." "Because I didn't like the idea of her being 59 and running around with that kind of money." "That's true." "I just hate to see you being so hard on yourself, Ben..." "I'm just a little disappointed that I couldn't hold up my end of the bargain." "It's a chain letter, Ben, these things..." "I know you think that it's not probably that important, but..." "You know how much pressure you felt when you got the letter?" "Yes, that was a bad day for me." "Well, think of all the pressure that these other people would have felt had you fulfilled your responsibility..." "So you think I almost did a good thing by breaking the chain?" "You broke the chain of pain." "As a matter of fact I got the paper today and some 14 people died in this city alone." "Are you suggesting that it's connected to..." "I'm not quite sure of the connection but, here's the deal..." "Since I haven't sent the chain letter people have died and nobody loves me." "Do you see the connection?" "See how this thing works, how insidious it is?" "Yeah, nothing has changed, essentially." "And besides, aren't I, people?" "Aren't you people?" "I mean, ha ha ha!" "What's that mean?" "I mean, I love you!" "Can you talk?" "What kind of way is that to say something?" "Come here, you!" "I don't want it." "I've 2 problems, Dr. Katz, the first is" "I never finish anything I start." "Yeah?" "My mother always told me, she said," ""You can be anything you want."" "So I said, "Could I be somebody else's daughter?"" "Um-hmm." "My mother is a ventriloquist." "I mean not professionally." "Yeah?" "But, for like 10 years" "I thought the dog was asking me to kill my father." "We had a chameleon..." "Well, at least that's what my mother told us." "She'd point to different objects and say, "There it is!"" "This morning I got an obscene phone call." "It was like 4:30 in the morning the guy's breathing really heavy going," ""What are you wearing?"" ""What are you wearing?"" "I said, "I haven't decided yet."" "I was flying recently and there was a man sitting next to me and I can tell that he really wanted me..." "To shut up." "You know how I know, Dr. Katz?" "'Cause he kept saying, "Shut up!"" ""Could you shut up?"" "You know something, I used to know Gandhi!" "Ummm..." "I knew Gandhi, I... uhh, actually knew him way before he became famous!" "Yeah?" "Gandhi once wrote a book called, "Hi, I'm Gandhi"." "And it was him with a checkered jacket and a full head of hair and I said, "You know, this is not an image for you."" "Yeah..." "How did you guys meet?" "Actually we uhh... both were gonna have a knish." "And we had a big argument over whether or not" "You should put mustard on it." "What is this music..." "Why is there music?" "We're gonna have to..." "What is this music?" "!" "Doctor, I hear music!" "We're gonna have to stop now!" "You're my psychiatrist!" "Help me, help me, doctor!"