"So here's what you missed on Glee:" "Rachel and Kurt are back coaching the Glee Club, and Will's coaching Vocal Adrenaline, and Blaine's coaching the Warblers, and even Sam's back, coaching football." "Shut up!" "I know!" "But the New Directions!" "Only have four members, and they need 12 for sectionals, and it seems like the new kids are nice and stuff and maybe can sing, but it's like, "Wait, who are you?"" "Kurt and Blaine are still broken up, and Kurt's not really dating, but Blaine definitely is dating, and the guy he's dating is Karofsky, so, like, ouch." "I'm hoping we can be friends." "(wry laugh):" "Oh, sounds like fun." "And that's what you missed on Glee." "I mean, who would have thought that after all these years, you and I would be friends?" "SUE:" "Now that I've achieved my goal of absolute power at this school," "I figured, what could be the harm in inviting Will Schuester to a polite, civil luncheon to bury the hatchet once and for all." "(distorted, slowed-down):" "Uh, it's great being back here, you know..." "SUE:" "He surrendered the Glee Club and fled to another school, after all, which means Will Schuester is no longer my mortal enemy." "I parked in my old spot... (chuckles) those little scrape marks on the asphalt." "Ah, remember that old muffler?" "SUE:" "Sure, the sound of Will's voice is like listening to Brian Boitano figure skate across a chalkboard while rubbing together the Styrofoam his Tom of Finland ball gag came packaged in." "I bought Danny this little, uh, toy piano, and, uh, I sing "Don't Stop Believing" to him every night before he goes to bed." "Clearly, he has some sort of disorder that gives him the emotional depth of a 12-year-old girl." "Maybe that's why he doesn't have any adult friends." "Oh, Will Schuester, you poor, maudlin imbecile," "I don't hate you." "Anything that ever really matters in life..." "I learned in that Glee Club." "I pity you." "Oh, yikes, look at the time." "It's been really great talking to you, Sue." "Um..." "I got to go." "And I thank you." "(sighs)" "(dramatic musical stinger)" "That son of a whore." "How dare he insult me like this." "What kind of a psychopath refuses to dispose of an unused plastic lunch fork and just leave it sitting there?" "I will not clean up after you." "Who do you think I am, your maid?" "This is an outrage, and it will not stand." "Will Schuester, you have crossed me for the last time." "You know, Becky, I was thinking about retiring." "What?" "!" "I got a sweet deal on some marshland down in southern Iraq." "(sighs) But now I realize I can't rest until I tie up some loose ends." "What is this place, Coach?" "This is where I store my hatred, Becky... and where I'll prepare my final act of revenge." "I call it my "Hurt Locker."" "SUE:" "Some people would find multiple vendettas exhausting." "But for Sue Sylvester, it's pure exhilaration." "Will Schuester," "I will annihilate you once and for all." "Then onto his self-obsessed protégé, Rachel Berry." "I'm going to break her heart." "Becky, wait in the Le Car." "(clicks tongue)" "But first... (strikes cacophonous chord)" "(whirring)" "Klaine." "I've been quietly shaping them since they first met." "Apart, they're so shrill, so whiny." "But together, a symphony of self-congratulatory sodomy." "I believed their tender man-love was for the ages." "And when they broke up, I was... devastated!" "Why?" "!" "They seemed to be doing so well, and... then suddenly it's over?" "I hereby pledge to do whatever it takes to get them back together and achieve my ultimate goal..." "To be flower girl at their fabulous gay wedding." "Just hang on, Porcelain." "Help is on the way." "(bell rings) Oh, Porcelain, my sweet, shrill, fragile Gelfling, I want to help you achieve your life's true purpose." "I want to help you get Blaine back." "Oh, that Karofsky character is a grade-A no-goodnik;" "he's a heartless bully." "Since when have you cared about me and Blaine?" "Since, like, forever." "You see, you and Blaine are blouses." "What are blouses?" "A blouse is a breezy, femmy top." "It's a term I coined for my favorite type of gay." "You always know where you stand with a blouse." "And they can't sneak up on you, because for miles, you can hear their gentle swish, swish, swish on the summer wind." "Uh, thank you, I-I guess, but I-I do not want to get back together with Blaine." "Listen to you." "That's not the Porcelain I know." "Now you better get to the auditorium." "The teams have arrived to rehearse on stage for the invitational." "What invitational?" "The one I organized to destroy the Glee Club once and for all." "I said that out loud, didn't I?" "I should have said that in voice-over." "(percussion playing, indistinct chatter)" "Sue really blindsided us with this invitational." "So how does it feel to be back, but on the visiting team?" "Uh, I'm just glad it's in such a low-stress environment." "I mean, it's basically an organized practice." "That's the thing." "It isn't for my kids." "Do you remember our first week of Glee Club, when you took us to Carmel to see Vocal Adrenaline and they were as great as your team is probably gonna be?" "(chuckles):" "How could I forget?" "I thought half of you were gonna quit afterwards." "Yeah, well, the reason why we didn't was because we were so committed" " to what you were doing." " Yeah." "My kids aren't there yet." "They haven't bonded." "They don't realize how important what it is they're doing." "If they see you guys killing these numbers you've had all summer to perfect, well, then they're gonna lose any sliver of hope they have, and the Glee Club'll be dead here." "Are you asking me to throw the invitational?" "RACHEL:" "Look.." "I-I'm not asking you to blow a competition..." "You said it yourself, it's not that big of a deal." "Look, I know that you're a teacher at Carmel now, but this is your home..." "Don't you want to protect your home?" "WILL (over radio):" "I'll think about it, Rachel." "I really would do anything for you, Rachel, you know that." "But it's not about that anymore." "I don't think you understand the kind of pressure I'm under now." "The administration really cares about V.A. being the best, and so do the kids." "What is your long-term plan here?" "I mean, you can't go to sectionals with just four kids." "I just need more time." "And I'm not gonna get that if you crush all of their hopes at this invitational." "Please, Mr. Shue." "Look, this place changed your life." "You're reminded of that every night that you go home to your wife and your beautiful baby." "Just... consider paying it back for everything it's done for you." "(sighs)" "All right." "Change of plan." "Everyone gather round." "We're gonna toss out the numbers we've been working on, and we're calling an audible, okay?" "Brand-new songs." "I will give them to you in a half an hour." "What?" "That's insane." "It's called thinking on your feet, improvisation." "It's gonna help us work better as a team." "(students scream, clamor)" "(girl screams)" "Good dragon." "Your Khaleesi loves you." "Oh, hey, Sue." "What's up?" "Sam, I have a question for you." "How susceptible to suggestion are you?" "Uh..." "I-I don't know." "What do you think?" "Well, I think you're very susceptible to suggestion." "Oh, my God, I think you're right." "Are you familiar with the film." "The Manchurian Candidate?" "I don't know." "Do you think I am?" "Never mind." "You're getting very sleepy." "Oh, my God, I'm so tired." "When I snap my fingers, you'll be totally hypnotized." "Oh, my God, I'm totally hypnotized." "I'm going to say a series of words." "Piano." "Flat-bed truck." "Let's do a song." "Whoa." "When next you hear these words, you will be overwhelmed with love for one Rachel Berry." "Oh, my God, she's so hot." "You will kiss her, and the instant you do, you will wake up and will not remember anything." "Oh, hey, Sue." "What's up?" "(quietly):" "Outstanding." "(sighs, mumbles)" "(babbling)" "Okay, so, let's go through the rules." "We decided there's no judges, so this is really about bragging rights." "But still, my guys are taking this very, very seriously, so I just want to make sure that the order is picked fairly... and by fairly, I mean that we're gonna go second." "Um, by the way, how is the filling up of your roster going?" "Is that going okay?" "It's an invitational." "We don't have to follow the strict "show choir" rules." "Has it occurred to either of you that this could be a really awful idea for your team?" "We just want to give them a sense of what to expect at sectionals, and... you know, we were also just hoping that maybe you and Mr. Schuester would take it easy on us." "Oh, no way." "No, no, no." "Absolutely not." "No one's going easy on anybody." "Nope." "The Warblers are being rebuilt, just like the New Directions!" "I'm sorry, but my allegiance is with them," "(phone buzzing) and if that at all seems scary to you guys, then you should probably drop out." "Oh, my God!" "It's Dave." "There's an intruder in our apartment." "Intruder?" "Dave, what is going on?" "KAROFSKY:" "In there!" "In the bedroom!" "I thought I was gonna die!" "BLAINE:" "What?" "No!" "Don't go in there!" "You're gonna get killed!" "Oh, my God." "Oh, my God!" "Is that a real, live bear cub?" "BLAINE:" "Uh, why is there a bear in here?" "KAROFSKY:" "Why is there a bear in here?" "!" "I think I have a pretty good idea." "You know, you just... you can't get real Italian food like this in New York." "Mm-mm." "Mm, I'm actually having trouble, like, adjusting to the Lima pace..." "I'm used to New York." "Everything's so fast-paced there." "And I was thinking, the problem with... moving back home is that, you know, you..." "you fall back into old habits." " Mm-hmm." " It's up to us now to keep from going stale." " I mean, what do you do with your free time?" " Mm... besides cry?" "(voice breaks):" "She's so talented." "I watch Patti LuPone's YoungArts MasterClass." "Up." "Make it harder. (sobbing)" "Why?" "What do you do?" "I blow glass." "Wait, what, really?" "My point is, we need to become proactive about what our outside interests are." "Yeah." "I mean, what is something you always wanted to do?" "I don't know." "I mean, I've always wanted to learn how to play the piano." "(distorted, echoing):" "That's mine, too." "Uh, let's do it." "I mean, I'll get Blaine to teach us." "He owes me for all the times I shaved his back in New York." "We'll do it together." "And we can keep on each other's case to practice all the time..." "It'll be great." "Okay." "Thanks, Sam." "You know..." "I know that this isn't a date or anything, but..." "I just realized I haven't spent time with a guy alone in a long time, and... it feels good to do it with someone I feel so safe with." "Yeah." "I, uh, I haven't been out with anybody since, um..." "Mercedes and I broke up." "Even though this isn't a date." "Wait, wait, I'm very confused." "I had it on good authority that Dave Karofsky was attracted to bears." "Except in this case, a "bear" refers to a burly, gay man, not an actual bear." "That would be really dangerous and completely insane." "Well, my tenure at this school has expanded my horizons on what is or isn't considered insane." "Will Schuester once submerged a Lucite platform into the McKinley swimming pool so he could literally walk on water to propose to his girlfriend." "Now, that's pretty insane." "This just has to stop." "I don't want to get back together with Blaine." "I've moved on." "I met someone online..." "His name is Walter." "Oh, Porcelain, oh, no, no, no, no." "You will not come out of this alive." "This person is obviously a cannibal." "I mean, look at you." "You are exceptionally well marbled." "If I were on a deserted island with everybody I knew," "I would absolutely eat you first." "It doesn't even have to be a deserted island." "There could be any number of casual dining establishments, and I would still opt to eat you..." "A mouthwatering, delicious, corn-fed Porcelain rump roast." "Okay, I'm leaving." "You just have to stop, okay?" "I'm serious." "But what about your fabulous, over-the-top gay wedding?" "!" "I already told Becky she could be the celebrant!" "When else am I ever gonna get to Provincetown?" "!" "(playing Beethoven's Symphony No. 5)" "(music ends)" "Wow, that's intimidating." "Blaine, thank you so much for taking time out of your extremely busy schedule to teach us." "Yeah, you know, we were gonna ask Brad the piano player but then I found this scrapbook that he keeps of women's feet." "Okay." "Anyway, um, have seat... but don't st sit any which way, make sure you sit up straight." "Don't slouch." "Oh." "Bows always 90 degrees away from the piano." "Just so you know, I'm not really a beginner." "My dads put me in lessons when I was four years old, and I just got bored, so I quit." "Huh." "That's so unlike you." "Um, I've made this cute little chart above the keys to help you guys out." "Okay, good." "So go ahead and find middle C for me." "Got it." "Excellent." "Um, so I want you to think of middle C, also known as C4, as kind of a quaint little town between bass clef land and treble clef land." "So, it's kind of easy." "No, no, no, I'm sorry." "Wait." "Can you just, like, slow down?" "(mechanical whirring, alarm horn blaring)" "God, what time is it?" "Whew, I fell asleep hours ago when you were yammering on about good posture and... a quaint little town." "Um, what are you doing up there?" "I'm just loosening some bolts." "You have no business being in here." "Funny, that's exactly what I was gonna say to you." "I thought I was rid of you two years ago." "Then you came limping back to Lima with your suitcase full of glitter and tears." "All right, I think we should probably reschedule this." "No." "That is an excellent idea." "Wouldn't you say so, Sam?" "Awesome idea." "Later, buddy." "Uh..." "Go." "Get out of here." "Go on." "(groans)" "(snaps fingers)" "Hey, Rachel, uh, wait up." "Coach, you are one bad-ass, crazy super bitch." "Oh, Becky, if you just said" "I am one bad-ass, crazy super bitch, you are correct." "♪ I hate the world today ♪" "♪ You're so good to me, I know, but I can't change ♪" "♪ Tried to tell you, but you look at me ♪" "♪ Like maybe I'm an angel underneath ♪" "♪ Innocent and sweet ♪" "♪ Yesterday I cried ♪" "(students screaming) ♪ You must have been relieved ♪" "♪ To see the softer side ♪" "BOY:" "Aah!" "♪ I can understand ♪" "BOY 2:" "Unh!" "♪ How you'd be so confused ♪" "♪ I don't envy you ♪" "♪ I'm a little bit of everything ♪" "♪ All rolled into one ♪" "♪ I'm a bitch, I'm a lover ♪" "♪ I'm a child, I'm a mother ♪" "♪ I'm a sinner I'm a saint ♪" "♪ I do not feel ashamed ♪" "♪ I'm your hell ♪" "♪ I'm your dream ♪" "♪ I'm nothing in between ♪" "♪ You know you wouldn't want it ♪" "♪ Any other way ♪" "(instrumental interlude)" "♪ Just when you think ♪" "(students screaming) ♪ You've got me figured out ♪" "♪ The season's already changing ♪" "♪ I think it's cool ♪" "♪ You do what you do ♪" "♪ And don't try ♪" "♪ To save me ♪" "♪ I'm a bitch, I'm a lover ♪" "♪ I'm a child, I'm a mother ♪" "♪ I'm a sinner, I'm a saint ♪" "♪ I do not feel ashamed ♪" "♪ I've been numb, I'm revived ♪" "♪ Can't say I'm not alive ♪" "♪ You know I wouldn't want it ♪" "♪ Any other way ♪" "♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪" "♪ Ooh, ooh ♪" "♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪" "♪ Ooh. ♪" "(song ends)" "(indistinct chatter nearby)" "(bell rings)" "Gosh, this place brings back so many memories." " I haven't been here in a million years." " Tell me about it." "When I look back at who I was in high school, it's, like," "I don't even recognize that dude at all." "That's why I admire you so much." "You have been through a lot to get to where you are today." "MAN:" "Dave?" "I thought it was you!" "You look great." "Have you been working out?" "Oh, uh, yeah, but..." "Nelson, this is my boyfriend," "Blaine." "Hi." "Hey, nice to meet you." "Nice to meet you." "Yeah, I'm just here with my boyfriend, Stuart." "Ah." "Dave, is that you?" "Wait, you guys know each other?" "Yeah!" "We went out a few times." "Wait, is that Dave Karofsky?" "It's Patrick." "(overlapping chatter)" "Dave, Dave, it's me, Patrick." " What the hell is going on?" " Um..." "Well, good evening, gentlemen." "David, I took the liberty of asking every man you've dated to join you for dinner tonight with Blaine, but that's not all." "I brought you both something." "Oh, what do you have there?" "Well, it is your online genealogy profile." "I submitted" "DNA samples from your hair follicles that I stole from the lint trap in your washing machine, and I think you're going to be very surprised with the results." "It turns out you share a great-great-grandfather, one Thomas Anderson, watchmaker from Philadelphia." "Which means the two of you are third cousins." "You can't be serious." "DNA doesn't lie." "Well, have a wonderful evening." "Just remember, you're about to have sex with a family member." "(quiet, wry laugh)" "(playing clashing notes)" "I hate the piano." "Blaine is throwing too much at me." "I-I feel like an idiot, and then Sue swoops in..." "Well, you know, this stuff doesn't just come easy to everyone, okay?" "It's about practice." "You do it enough times, and it becomes second nature." "Think about lizard tails that move around even after they're cut off." "What?" "Okay, no, forget that." "My point is that an instrument needs to be, like, an extension from your body, like a muscle or a limb." "Sam, you're really sweet, but I don't want to do this anymore." "I'm sorry." "Okay, now, sit down and close your eyes." "Just do it." "(sighing):" "Okay." "Now, look, you don't need your eyes, okay?" "Stevie Wonder, Ray Charles, all the greats were blind." "Okay?" "Now, just rely on your feel." "G, give me a G, give me a G." "Give me an A." "Give me a C." "Minor diminished." "(chuckles) Okay." "Now, give me an A minor." "Hey, that tickles!" "Oh, I'm sorry, but you totally have it, way more than you even realize." "Thanks, Sam." "You're pretty amazing." "(chuckles)" "MAN (over P.A.):" "Don't forget to wear your school colors tomorrow." "Go, Carmel!" "Well, just tell your husband what I tell mine." ""That's what you get for marrying a blonde."" "(laughs)" "The principal will see you now." "Aren't you a little smart aleck?" "Principal Gunderson, thank you so much for meeting with me." "Is there a problem?" "Principal Figgins?" "No, I am Abigail Figgins Gunderson." "Principal Figgins is my brother." "Principal and I are one year apart and we both chose careers in... (inhales deeply) ...high school administration." "Wait..." "Figgins' first name is "Principal"?" "Of course." "He is first born." "Bizarro Figgins." "I understand you have an issue concerning Carmel High's study skills teacher and Glee Club director, Will Schuester." "That is correct." "As you can see..." "I have drone footage in which Will Schuester pledges his loyalty to the New Directions!" "And announces his intentions to sabotage Vocal Adrenaline." "You have a traitor in your midst." "(tablet device blips off)" "This news shocks me to my very core." "I think you better sit down and have a very frank talk with one Will Schuester." "You need to determine where his true loyalties lie." "I've got it." "Well, we've got it." "We've got the first two songs for invitationals." "Uh... don't we need more people just to participate in invitationals?" "No, you don't need a full glee club for invitationals." "It's a trial run for future competitions." "No judges or prizes." "(whispering):" "More stage time for us." "BOTH (whispering):" "Twinning." "And this is where my new piano skills will help us out." "(playing a random melody)" "Th-There is no winner or loser at invitationals, but just like a debutante ball or a quinceañera, it is your chance to introduce yourself to the show choir world." "We're gonna be up against some of the greatest show choirs in Ohio... in America..." "And the Warblers and Vocal Adrenaline have a very strong history, so this is our chance to show them what they're up against." "(sighs)" "(quietly):" "So, we're screwed." "We're screwed." "Sue, how dare you do this to me!" "Now my job is on the line!" "You know, I thought we were friends!" "So did I, William, until you made a mockery of my friendly overtures, by making me clean up after you like a common house slave." "What are you talking about?" "Oh, you know exactly what I'm talking about." "Your complete lack of table manners was the last straw." "It was a disposable plastic fork that broke the camel's back and now I feel it is my duty to stop holding back and get real honest with you, Will Schuester." "Fine." "Bring it on." "You remember that Christmas when you foolishly let me into your apartment, for some reason?" "Yeah..." "Well, the primary ingredient of that fruitcake that I watched you enjoy was actually three years of plaque that Brad the piano player had scraped off his teeth and collected into a small jar." "And you never should have let me use your bathroom because the minoxidil that you've been rubbing into your scalp twice daily for the last three years is actually just my pee." "Wha...?" "Why would I stoop to such puerile acts?" "Because I hate you, Will Schuester." "And I will stop at nothing until I see you homeless in the streets, drinking gutter runoff, and allowing passersby to perform lewd acts on your butt-chin, for money." "You are a fatuous, dim-witted, borderline pederast, who tears up faster than a gay jihadi in a sandstorm." "You have befouled the profession of teaching by accepting not only one but two Teacher of the Year awards despite not speaking a word of the foreign language you purport to teach." "Like the storied predators of yesteryear, Will, you pick only the most vulnerable students to favor while actively neglecting the others." "Like that gross kid with the dreadlocks, or that poor Irish idiot Rory." "Or the black dancer, whose name none of us remember because you rode his back to a win at sectionals, and then promptly ignored him into oblivion." "You positively worship a student if they can so much as carry a tune, and yet you don't know a single name of the only true musical geniuses in that choir room..." "The band!" "..." "Who have demonstrated, time and again, that they can, at the drop of a hat, play literally any song you can name, and still, you treat them like so much nameless human garbage." "Your bizarre psycho-sexual obsession with that glee club was disturbing from the first moment you stalked a nude student in the showers." "You know, I'm honestly surprised you didn't re-enact what was clearly the formative event of your own teenage years, and Sandusky the poor kid right there and then." "Oh, and I think those absorbent sweater vests actually hide the fact that you lactate every time you give one of your excruciatingly condescending pep talks." "Your charms wore off a long time ago, William... somewhere around Bieber Week." "So why don't you take your washboard abs and your washboard forehead, get the hell out of my office." "Oh, and take that uncomfortable smirk and the nine-foot fart you must be holding in, with you, and let 'er rip the second you get home." "'Cause you know what?" "If you're lucky, that sphincter just might toot out the first minute and a half of "Wheel in the Sky,"" "which is the only Journey song you haven't yet managed to ruin." "You know what, Sue?" "I happen to know that you're not long for this school." "What are you talking about?" "I heard a rumor that you are making retirement plans." "Damn it, Becky." "She tweeted it, didn't she?" "I'll tell you right now that I'm going to do everything in my power to make sure that the glee club is a permanent fixture at this school, long after you're gone." "It's good talking to you, Sue." "KURT:" "I know you're overworked." "I'm just saying this auditorium could use a little bit more of your attention." "I mean, there's gum on half of these seats." "Don't blame me, blame the parents!" "They let Johnny and Susie run wild, but Johnny and Susie can't read." "It's an American tragedy!" "BLAINE:" "Hi." "Sorry to interrupt." "Um, I'm supposed to give Rachel and Sam a piano lesson." "I-I can't find them anywhere." "I spotted them in the courtyard sharing a hot, soft pretzel with honey mustard." "I'm no psychic, but I predict another tempestuous, sexy, glee club romance." "Speaking of which, I will leave you two ex-lovebirds alone." "Thank you very much." "Thank you." "Uh-oh." "Something's wrong." "Everything... okay?" "Everything is wrong." "Dave has dated, like, every guy with facial hair in the greater Midwest, and, evidently, we're related." "Wait, what?" "Yeah." "Sue went on one of those ancestry Web sites, and she discovered that Dave and I are third cousins." "Blaine, there-there is no universe where you and Karofsky are related." "Sue is obviously just trying to get you guys to break up so we get back together." "Why can't she, and everyone else, just understand that, yes, you were my first love..." "And you were mine. ...but I just think, like you always say, we're probably better off as... great friends, you know?" "Well, I'm glad that we could be adult about this." "Yeah." "And, full disclosure," "I've actually met a really nice guy on line and, uh, we have our first date tonight." "Oh!" "Well, that's... awesome." "That's, um..." "I hope that goes really well." "(quietly):" "Yeah." "Yeah, uh... well, you know, he damn well better know that he is on a date with America's most eligible bachelor." "(wry chuckle)" "Um..." "I-I gotta go." "Um..." "I-I really gotta get going." "I gotta find those guys." "Um... it was good to... good to see you." "Oh, yeah, you, too." "Oh." "Hello. (laughs)" "Yeah, the, um..." "You, too." "You, too." "Yeah." "Okay." "(sighs deeply)" "(playing light melody)" "♪ Girl, you sound so good. ♪" "(laughs)" "John Mayer." "Uh, no, seriously, though, you're... you're sounding amazing." "I mean, you're getting really good." "I think I'm really getting the hang of it." "I gotta be honest..." "I think these piano lessons were a really good idea." "And thank you so much for being so patient with me and just... helping me to stay calm." "Well, I mean, it wasn't hard, I mean... there's nothing you can't do." "(Sam plays intro to Vanessa Carlton's "A Thousand Miles")" "(Rachel continues the intro)" "I love this song." "♪ Making my way downtown, walking fast ♪" "♪ Faces passing, I'm home bound ♪" "♪ Staring blankly ahead ♪" "♪ Just making my way, making my way ♪" "♪ Through the crowd ♪" "♪ And I need you ♪" "♪ And I miss you ♪" "BOTH: ♪ And now I wonder ♪" "♪ If I could fall ♪" "♪ Into the sky ♪" "♪ Do you think time ♪" "♪ Would pass me by ♪" "♪ 'Cause you know I'd walk a thousand miles ♪" "♪ If I could just see you ♪" "♪ Tonight ♪" "♪ Yeah, tonight... ♪" "♪ Yeah, tonight ♪" "♪ Oh, tonight!" "♪" "♪ And I, I ♪" "♪ Don't want to let you know ♪" "♪ I, I ♪" "♪ Drown in your memory ♪" "♪ I, I ♪" "♪ Don't want to let this go ♪" "♪ I, I ♪" "♪ Don't... ♪" "♪ If I could fall ♪" "♪ Into the sky ♪" "♪ Do you think time ♪" "♪ Would pass us by?" "♪" "♪ 'Cause you know I'd walk a thousand miles ♪" "♪ If I could just see you ♪" "♪ Oh!" "♪" "♪ If I could fall ♪" "♪ Into the sky ♪" "♪ Into the sky ♪" "♪ Do you think time ♪" "♪ Would pass us by?" "♪" "♪ 'Cause you know I'd walk a thousand miles ♪" "♪ If I could just see you ♪" "♪ If I could just ♪" "♪ Hold you ♪" "♪ Tonight. ♪" "(song ends)" "Then the hooker says, "No, that's not a cheese taco," "Jonah Hill."" "(laughter) He was kissing a hooker." "Hey, guys." "Can I just talk to your coach for a second?" "Okay, so I'm just gonna say this, because I haven't been able to think about anything else, and I got, like, zero sleep last night, but... our kiss?" "What kiss?" ""What kiss?"" "Exactly, right, we're both creative people, and sometimes creative people create bonds with their fellow actors, and sometimes those bonds create gestures that don't necessarily mean the same thing in the real world as they would in show business." "Anyways, um, I just..." "I've really liked hanging out with you, Sam, and I-I wanted to ask you this yesterday, but you sort of left, like, really fast, but, um, do you want to get a coffee with me sometime?" "Oh, are you, are you asking me, like, out on a date?" "Yeah." "Rachel, uh, that's super sweet, but I-I can't." "And it's not because of your teeny-tiny booty." "I actually like teeny-tiny booties." "It's..." "I'm kind of still in love with Mercedes." "Oh." "Sorry." "Yeah." "Oh, hey, Sue." "What's up?" "Uh, what-what are you doing?" "And... (distorted): you're hypnotized again." "Oh, my God, I'm hypnotized." "That was so fast." "You've done well, my dark apprentice." "Phase two of my sinister plan will now commence." "Triskaidekaphobia." "Ambrosia salad." "Goodluck Jonathan." "Wait, I'm confused." "Do those words hypnotize me or dehypnotize me?" "Neither, they're just words I like." "Okay." "As you continue to gaslight Rachel Berry, phase two will incorporate the tormenting of Will Schuester." "You will start by stealing his utility bills from the mailbox in front of his condo." "Awesome." "(sniffs)" "Hi, I-I'm still waiting for someone, but in the meantime," "I would love a bottle of sparkling water." "Kurt?" "I'm Walter." "It's good to finally meet you." "Oh, hi!" "I'd know you anywhere." "You look just like your photo." "Yeah, and your photo definitely looks like you a-a-a-at some point in time." "This is fun." "How old are you, exactly?" "(chuckles)" "Well, since you're asking," "I'm... 50... (muttering) years old." "No, but true story." "Last week, I bought a six-pack of beer at the grocery store, and the clerk asked me for my I.D." "I don't know is she thought I was underage or an undocumented worker, but the point is," "I still feel like" "I'm 30, which is why I still use that photo in my profile." "Yeah." "Have to be honest," "I-I, I just thought it was an Instagram filter." "You're on Instagram?" "Me, too!" "Yeah." "My handle is HotCupOWalter." "That's what my wife used to call me." "I was married for 33 years." "I got a couple kids who're... about your age." "Ooh, no kidding, huh?" "Yeah." "Yeah, I didn't come out of the closet until last year." "You know, I thought I never was gonna come out." "Look, W-Walter, y-you seem like a very nice man, but it's just that, well, when talked on the phone, you never mentioned that you were in your 50s, or that-that you were married with-with kids." "But that's because we got so busy chatting about how Golden Girls is the greatest sitcom of all time." "Look, you're absolutely right." "I should've been more honest, and I wasn't." "But it's not because I'm deluded or some sort of a psycho, it's just that..." "I was really enjoying getting to know you." "I didn't want to say something that would scare you off." "Well..." "I can see that this is not a good fit." "So, I'm not gonna waste any more of your time." "I'm really sorry." "Wait, no, I'm sorry." "I-I don't mean to be rude." "It's just that this is just, you know, a lot to take in." "Well, how about this?" "What if you and I just started out as friends?" "No expectations whatsoever." "We take it really slow, and if either one of us gets uncomfortable, we call it a day." "(sighs)" "I-I like the sound of that." "(chuckles)" "♪ Hey, well, so... ♪" "Yes." "Sam, buddy, hey." "What... (sighs)" "I-I think that's my mail." "Oh, yeah, I know, Rachel asked me to steal it." "The bills, mostly." "She said that, you know, if you stopped paying them, that maybe you would get all distracted with, like, collection agencies and stop focusing on work, which would give her an advantage on Vocal Adrenaline." "Wait, seriously?" "Oh, yeah." "You know Rachel, she'll do anything to win." "I-I can't believe that she would do that." "We're friends." "She had no problem reminding of that when she asked me to throw the invitational." "Between you and me, Rachel's kind of pissed at you." "Yeah, she thinks that your suspiciously constant positivity and encouragement is what clouded her judgment to do her TV show, and, um, she also blames you for that time she broke her nose," ""Run Joey Run" and Boko Haram." "Which I don't know what the last one is." "I am so naive." "She's been playing me this whole time." "Well, hey, look, if you run into her, could you please just do me a favor and tell her that I stole your bills, because she asked me to come at night, and then there's this whole a.m./p.m. thing..." "Get out of here." "Get out of here!" "(sighs)" "MAN (over P.A.):" "Vocal Adrenaline, please report backstage." "Two minutes to showtime." "WILL:" "All right, guys, how we feeling?" " You all ready?" " Yeah, I bet you're super stoked." "I am stoked." "I've never been more stoked or more serious." "You guys should be serious, too." "Don't touch me." "I want you to get fired up for what's coming, all right?" "Okay, yes, McKinley alumni tried to tear at my loyalties, and I almost let them." "But I will never let you down, okay?" "Vocal Adrenaline has always been the team to topple, and today is no different, all right?" "So I want you to own this stage and dominate." "Are you bipolar?" "Okay, show circle." "That means..." "Okay." "Um... it's kind of my thing." "We all just get in there and just..." "BOY:" "We don't like you." "All right, amazing!" "You guys will learn that later." "Okay, have a good show." "Just-just go out there and... and-and win." "Please direct your blank stares to the curtain behind me." "Soon it will open and there will be blood sport." "Happy Hunger Games." "May the odds be ever in your favor." "BOYS: ♪ Dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, da-dum ♪" "♪ Da-dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, da-dum ♪" "GIRLS: ♪ Ski-doo-bee-dop ♪" "BOYS: ♪ Da-dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum ♪" "♪ Doo, ski-doo-be-dop... ♪ ♪ Da-dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, da-dum ♪" "♪ Doo, ski-doo-be-dop ♪" "♪ We were at a party ♪" "♪ His earlobe fell in the deep ♪" "♪ Someone reached in and grabbed it ♪" "♪ It was a rock lobster ♪" "♪ Ah, ah, ah, ah... ♪" "♪ Rock lobster ♪" "♪ Rock lobster ♪" "♪ Hey, hey, ah, ah... ♪" "♪ Hey, hey, ah, ah ♪" "♪ Hey, hey, ah, ah, hey, hey, ah, ah ♪" "♪ Ah-ah, ah-ah, ah-ah, ah-ah... ♪" "♪ Rock lobster... ♪" "Wow, he is so not throwing this." "♪ Rock lobster!" "♪" "♪ Down ♪" "♪ Down... ♪" "(gasps)" "♪ Ah, ah, ah, ah ♪" "♪ Ah... ah... ♪" "♪ Rock lobster ♪" "♪ Ah, ah, ah, ah ♪" "♪ Rock lobster ♪" "♪ Rock lobster-ster ♪" "♪ Rock lobster ♪" "♪ Rock, rock, rock, rock lobster ♪" "♪ Rock lobster ♪" "♪ Rock lobster!" "♪" "(song ends)" "(Devo's "Whip It" begins)" "♪ Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum ♪" "♪ Bahm, bahm, bahm ♪" "♪ Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum ♪" "♪ Bahm, bahm, bahm ♪" "♪ Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum ♪" "♪ Crack that whip ♪" "♪ Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum ♪" "♪ Give the past a slip ♪" "♪ Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum ♪" "♪ Step on a crack ♪" "♪ Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum ♪" "♪ Break your mama's back ♪" "♪ Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum ♪" "♪ Bahm, bahm, bahm ♪" "♪ When a problem comes along ♪" "♪ You must whip it ♪" "♪ Before the cream sets out too long ♪" "♪ You must whip it ♪" "♪ When something's going wrong ♪" "♪ You must whip it ♪" "♪ Now whip it ♪" "♪ Into shape ♪" "♪ Shape it up ♪" "♪ Get straight ♪" "♪ Go forward ♪" "♪ Move ahead ♪" "♪ Try to detect it ♪" "♪ It's not too late ♪" "♪ To whip it ♪" "♪ Into shape ♪" "♪ Shape it up ♪" "♪ Get straight ♪" "♪ Go forward ♪" "♪ Move ahead ♪" "♪ Try to detect it ♪" "♪ It's not too late ♪" "♪ To whip it ♪" "♪ Whip it good ♪" "♪ Bahm, Ba-da, Ba-da ♪" "♪ I say whip it ♪" "♪ Bahm, Ba-da, Ba-da ♪" "♪ Whip it good ♪" "♪ Bahm, Ba-da, Ba-da ♪" "♪ I say whip it ♪" "♪ Bahm, Ba-da, Ba-da ♪" "♪ Whip it good!" "♪" "(song ends)" "(whoops)"