"SCHULTZ:" "All right, everybody." "All right." "Mach schnell, schnell, schnell, schnell, schnell, schnell, schnell!" "All right, everybody." "Everybody, all right." "Hey, Schultz, what's going on here?" "We're not having a party." "Order of Colonel Klink, all prisoners from Barracks 3 have to be moved in here." "Do these guys have a reservation?" "This is no way to run a hotel." "I'm writing a letter to the Red Cross." "And I'm going to write a letter to The Times, straightaway." "( all talking at once )" "HOGAN:" "All right, all right, hold it, hold it." "Hold it." "Hold it." "What's our jolly innkeeper up to now?" "Komm..." "Well..." "Kommandant Klink wants to make room for three more prisoners." "That's all I know." "Is that all?" "For goodness sakes." "Oh, I'm sorry, Schultz, would you care for some?" "I can't eat it all-- I'm on a diet." "On you, it wouldn't show." "Chocolate, huh?" "Mm, chocolate." "What about those three new prisoners, Schultz?" "Three Americans." "They're on their way to a maximum security prison in Berlin." "They need a whole barracks for that?" "The Gestapo doesn't want them to talk to anyone." "They must know something pretty important, huh?" "Maybe they do, but me, I know nothing." "Noth..." "Mmm, nothing." "( knocking on door )" "Come in, come in." "Ah, Hogan." "I understand you wish to register a compliant because we're moving more men into your barracks?" "Yes, sir." "Well, if you're not happy here, why don't you try another foolish escape?" "Escape?" "Who'd want to leave all this?" "Hogan, you're wasting my time." "Your men will have to suffer a little inconvenience." "You know, overcrowding is against the Geneva convention." "Also under the rules of the Geneva convention," "I am not obliged to share my cookies with you." "I forgot to read that part, sir." "( knocking on door ) Come in, come in." "Herr Kommandant." "Captain Heinrich is here and the three Americans are waiting in the truck." "( whistles ) What?" "What?" "Women." "Women?" "Women!" "Women." "The prisoners are women?" "We are not set up for women." "Why wasn't I notified?" "This is impossible." "Always Berlin sends their problems to Klink." "That's what you get for being Mr. Nice Guy." "Schultz, take these women off the truck and move them to Barracks 3." "There's plenty of room in my place, Schultz." "Move the girls in with me." "Jawohl..." "Schultz!" "When do I get to interrogate them, sir?" "You seem to forget they are my prisoners." "Now, Schultz," "I want you to put them under maximum security, and send Captain Heinrich in." "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant." "Hogan, dismissed." "( all talking at once )" "Hold it a minute, will ya?" "!" "Come on." "It's only temporary." "Say, who are those three new prisoners, anyway?" "Well, they've got to be officers." "Blimey, they always get the icing off the cake." "No offense, sir." "They're not officers." "They're maximum security prisoners." "They must have some valuable information or the Krauts wouldn't be moving them to Berlin." "Information about what?" "We won't know until we make contact." "How are we going to do that?" "By digging out that old tunnel to Barracks 3." "( all protesting )" "Dig and dig." "That's all we do." "All right, hold it, hold it, will ya?" "Now we've dug an ingenious tunnel system, and I'm proud of you." "And I know you'll pitch in and dig just one more with the proper spirit." "I didn't join the RAF to become a ruddy gopher." "I hate tunnels." "I never even rode on the Metro." "Look, I can't order you to dig this tunnel." "I'm asking for volunteers." "Oh, I see." "That's the way it's going to be, huh?" "All right, I'll just have to figure another way to make contact with those three girls." "Girls?" "Girls?" "Girls?" "Sir, I hereby volunteer for King and Empire." "Moi aussi." "Lafayette, I am here." "I could be trampled to death by this sudden display of patriotism." "We British, sir, have always felt very friendly towards you people in the colonies." "Oh, yeah?" "Where were you when we sent them the Statue of Liberty?" "How long did it take us to dig that tunnel to the barbed wire fence?" "Well, we used eight men, and as I remember, it took us about..." "16 hours." "Yeah, 16 hours." "All right, this is twice the distance." "How long will it take to get to the girls?" "About an hour-and-a-half, sir." "I wouldn't let you dig this alone." "Well, with help, 20 minutes." "Look, this is a military mission, not a friendship club." "So, I'm going to talk to the girls." "That's a bit cheeky, even for an officer." "Do you know how long its been since I've seen a woman?" "It's been even longer for me." "Yeah, but I'm French." "Couldn't we just shake hands with them?" "It would be the firing squad if you fellows were caught with the girls." "You weren't..." "I'm not going to let you risk your lives." "You weren't that worried when you sent me out there to cut that barbed wire." "Making contact with those girls could be the turning point in the war." "It would be for me." "Then I can count on you to dig the tunnel?" "You can count on me, sir." "With me bare hands if necessary." "Me, too." "Just digging within four feet of a woman is better than never to have loved at all." "I'd sure like to know what they're going to do with us?" "I wouldn't." "I'd feel a lot better if we didn't have that Captain Heinrich for a den mother." "Yes, he's seen too many Erich von Stroheim movies." "Who's Erich von Stroheim?" "He was before your time, dear." "( thumping ) Shh." "Quiet." "( thumping )" "Okay, come on." "Hey!" "Wait a minute, hold it." "I'm an American and a veteran." "We thought you were a German." "Germans come through the door." "Americans come through the floor." "Now look, mister, we..." "Hold it, hold it." "Hi." "Colonel Robert E. Hogan," "U.S. Army Air Corps, semiretired." "I'm Charlene Hemsley, adagio dancer." "I'm Ginger Wilson, and this is Kathy Pruitt." "She certainly is." "Has anybody interrogated you yet?" "That one guard sort of got a little fresh." "No, they just dumped us in here, and we haven't seen anybody yet." "Good." "Look, according to the Geneva convention, you're not required to give anything but your name, your unit and the key you sing in." "Should I tell them I'm double-jointed?" "Only under extreme torture." "How long will they keep us here?" "They'll be moving you out any minute." "All right, now, listen, this is important." "Why are the Krauts so interested in you three, aside from the obvious reasons?" "Beats me." "We don't know." "We really can't figure it out." "You see, we were doing our act for this infantry outfit when there was an attack." "Well, we jumped into a jeep, and we thought we were heading for headquarters." "Well, the next thing we knew, there we were hiding in an underground shelter surrounded by Germans." "What was in the shelter?" "A lot of very fresh soldiers." "Boy, was it scary." "There were these long, thin shells." "They looked like torpedoes." "Yeah." "Yeah, that's right." "With, like, little wings on them." "Sort of like something out of Buck Rogers." "Torpedoes with wings..." "Buck Rogers... ( snaps fingers )" "Rockets." "I was with them for two years." "Not Rockettes, dear." "Rockets." "A rocket base." "That's what the Krauts are hiding." "Where was it?" "Don't ask me." "I couldn't even find my way out of a telephone booth." "How long did it take you to get here?" "It was about four hours." "Yeah, right." "By autobahn?" "Highway?" "It was a very bumpy road." "A few minutes after we started, we passed through a small town." "There was a cathedral with, like, a real tall spire." "Yeah, that's Hofberg." "It's about 80 miles due east of here." "By truck, four hours would be just about right." "Welcome to Stalag 13, ladies." "Welcome, welcome, welcome." "Newkirk's the name, ladies, but you can call me Peter." "Voilà." "A little bouquet to brighten up your room." "He's a magician." "I was held over two weeks in Blackpool." "Don't tell me, I know." "Back in the tunnel." "( singing in French )" "* Yankee Doodle came to town *" "* Riding on a pony. *" "We don't need a concert, LeBeau." "Both of you, back in the tunnel." "Now, sir, I'm not going to let you take the risk all on your own." "We're in this together-- the Union Jack and the Star Spangled Banner." "And let's not forget the Statue of Liberty." "You're cute." "Hey, Colonel, are you authorized to perform wedding ceremonies?" "Newkirk?" "Will you give the bride away?" "My pleasure..." "( knocking on door )" "( knocking continues )" "( whispers ):" "The door." "KATHY:" "Who is it?" "SCHULTZ:" "It's me, Sergeant Schultz." "Oh." "Oh, come in, Sergeant." "Guten Morgen, Frauleins." "I'm Sergeant Schultz." "( clicks heels )" "Very happy to meet you, Sergeant." "( giggles )" "Eins... zwei..." "Where is drei?" "Oh, uh, well, she's changing, Sergeant." "I brought you a bottle of wine to make your stay here more pleasant." "GINGER:" "It was very thoughtful of you, Sergeant." "( giggling )" "Eins... zwei... drei... vier." "Drei is here." "Oh, Schultz, you're too late." "We already voted." "Colonel Hogan, what are you doing in here?" "!" "Schultz, we heard the guards were having a party." "Thank you for bringing the wine." "Please, Colonel Hogan." "I'll bet you Commandant Klink would take a very dim view of this, Schultz." "But if you don't tell him we were here, we won't tell him you were here." "Where's the corkscrew?" "The corkscrew." "No corkscrew!" "Back to the barracks where you belong." "Back, back, back, back!" "( knocking on door )" "( knocking continues )" "( muttering )" "KLINK:" "Frauleins, this is Kommandant Klink." "Come in." "Good morning, Frauleins." "Good morning, Kommandant." "I hope you're enjoying your stay with us?" "Oh, yes, yes, it's a very nice place to visit, but we'd really hate to live here." "You see, I think we're allergic to barbed wire, dogs and German guards." "Ah, ah, ah!" "It's all necessary to maintain the reputation of Stalag 13 as the toughest POW camp in all of Germany." "( gasps )" "Trick or treat." "What are you doing here?" "K-Kommandant," "I-I was inspecting the barracks." "With a bottle of wine?" "You came for funny business with these girls?" "Sure, and I suppose you're here to hold a religious service?" "Colonel Hogan, I am holding you personally responsible for this." "And you, Schultz, will be... ( door opening )" "Ah, Captain Heinrich!" "Captain Heinrich, I-I... ( chuckles )" "I suppose you're wondering why I'm holding this bottle of wine in my hand." "You are aware, Colonel, of the non-fraternization regulations?" "I was just explaining that to these women, Captain Heinrich." "Say, why don't we all drink to that regulation?" "Silence!" "In the interests of security, Colonel," "I think it is wiser if I take these girls out of this camp as soon as possible." "HEINRICH:" "We will leave tomorrow." "And by whose orders?" "They are my prisoners." "I get my orders directly from Berlin!" "Oh, I know him." "He wrote "God Bless America."" "I can also tell you, Colonel Klink, that my report to Headquarters will not be flattering to you." "I thought they'd never leave." "Hey, the wine steward is here." "Did you bring the glasses?" "Raus!" "Killjoy." "Raus!" "Last time you work at one of my parties." "Raus!" "Do drop in again." "Raus!" "I, uh, just got radio confirmation from London, Colonel." "It's all set." "Good." "When do they bomb the rocket site?" "Tomorrow at 2300 hours." "Colonel, if they bomb the emplacement, they're sure to know the information came from the girls." "It won't matter by them." "The girls will be out the tunnel on their way to London." "Yeah, as soon as the sub calls in," "I'll arrange for a rendezvous." "Good, good." "You know, I kind of hate to see them go." "I like the idea of a coed POW camp." "( explosion )" "Hey..." "Come on up." "Uh-huh." "What happened?" "It's a cave-in, sir." "Oh." "Oh." "( coughing ) Here, sit down." "( coughing continues )" "Are you hurt?" "( coughing )" "Boy." "Where?" "It's the new section of the tunnel, right near the girls' barracks." "HOGAN:" "How bad is it?" "Complete washout." "You guys didn't brace it enough." "With girls at the other end?" "Who stopped for braces?" "Can we still reach 'em?" "Not without a ruddy bulldozer you can't, sir." "It'll take days to clear." "If they're going to bomb tomorrow, how are we going to get those girls out tonight?" "Well, don't look at me." "I can't help us." "When all else fails, there's always Colonel Klink." "Schultz, here is a list of punishments and restrictions for the prisoners." "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant." "And they can thank you for that." "Shouldn't you check that with Captain Heinrich?" "Check with Captain Heinrich?" "You don't want to go over his head, do you?" "Hogan, may I remind you that I am the Kommandant of this camp." "Don't remind me." "Remind him." "Dismissed." "Ah, it's no skin off my nose, if your men are laughing behind your back." "Hogan, no one laughs behind Colonel Klink's back!" "Look, face the facts." "Since Captain Heinrich has been running this camp, your men..." "Captain Heinrich has not been running this camp." "All right, but he doesn't care if those women cause trouble and ruin Stalag 13's reputation." "What?" "What?" "Forget it." "So what if he did go over your head and order those girls to Berlin tomorrow." "When you know it would be smarter to have them shipped out tonight." "What?" "What?" "It's not important if those girls cause a riot." "Important?" "I will decide what's important." "They're going out tonight!" "Schultz, tell Captain Heinrich that I order him to move those girls to Berlin, tonight!" "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant." "As for you, I..." "Evening, Fritz." "Lovely weather we're having." "Nice night for a raid on Berlin, what?" "( chuckles )" "( speaking German )" "Schnell, schnell!" "All right, no need to get huffy, mate." "( dog whining )" "Just hope to stay alive, that's all." "All set?" "Worked like a charm." "All right." "Let's get going before they load the girls in the truck." "( sizzling )" "( whimpering )" "Sergeant, a bomb!" "Sergeant!" "GUARD:" "A bomb, a bomb." "Sergeant... ( speaking German )" "( both speaking German )" "Turn off the... ( barking )" "Oh, come on, Bearheart." "Shame on you." "What's all that jazz about man's best friend?" "( whining and whimpering )" "Don't pad your part." "Hi." "Oh, hi, fellas." "You're just in time for the going-away party." "You're not going." "Tell that to Captain Heinrich." "What do you mean, we're not going?" "Look, I think we can help you to escape to England if you're willing to take a chance." "Anything's better than being booked in a German prison camp for three years." "I'll go along with that." "Me, too." "What's the plan, Colonel?" "This is the way it stacks up." "We're going to change places with the girls." "What?" "The three of us go out in the truck tonight while the girls hide back here." "Brilliant." "Fantastic." "He always comes up with..." "Colonel, what good does it do the girls if you guys escape?" "Yeah." "After we escape, we sneak back into camp." "We arrange to have the girls go out in the dog truck tomorrow." "Of course." "I said it was brilliant." "Don't you see?" "It will be easy." "Because half the guards will be out looking for you." "He's a ruddy genius, even if he is an officer." "Can you get away with this?" "I mean, yeah." "Uh, I may not be Miss America, but, uh," "I don't look like a fella." "You can say that again." "Ma'am." "All right, let's get going." "No, no, no." "Wait, wait." "If-If we change places with the girls tonight, then that means that..." "I just got it." "So did I." "You want us to wear their clothes?" "You know a better way to look like women?" "Well..." "Well, that's out." "Forget it." "The articles of war do not require me to wear ladies' clothing." "Will you wait a minute?" "There's no danger." "It's dark out." "And besides, look what I've got." "Private Ninowski, our wigmaker, does beautiful work." "Look, Colonel," "I'd rather grab a machine gun from the guards and blast our way out." "I'll help you, LeBeau." "Come on." "All right!" "I didn't want to do it this way, but I order you." "Put on their clothes and these wigs." "And if I disobey the order?" "Court-martial and firing squad." "Well, no bandage for my eyes." "Vive la France." "Sir, you can hang me from the highest yardarm, but under no circumstances will we dress as women." "Hey, you guys look pretty convincing." "Shut up!" "Oui, shut up!" "If you tell anybody about this," "I will personally poison your food." "All right, easy, men." "Look, Carter, after we leave, take the girls back to our barracks." "R-Right, Colonel." "Keep them out of sight as much as possible, because we don't..." "You know, Newkirk..." "What?" "You look good in basic black." "( speaking German )" "Jawohl." "( speaking German )" "( speaking German )" "Fresh!" "( groans )" "( grunts )" "What's the matter, dear?" "( Hogan groaning )" "It must be her appendix!" "Stop the truck!" "Stop the truck!" "Tell them to stop the truck!" "Kathy is sick!" "I believe I'm going to faint!" "Quick, quick!" "( speaking German )" "( groaning )" "What is this?" "( Hogan groaning )" "LeBEAU:" "It's Kathy!" "She's not well!" "I think she has the vapors, whatever that is!" "( groaning )" "Keep her quiet for the rest of the trip, or you will..." "Oh!" "Come on." "It's all right?" "Yeah, we did pretty well." "You did a great job." "Fine." "Let's go!" "All right..." "Wait." "Hey, wait a minute." "What's the matter?" "Is my mascara running?" "Oh." "I don't know." "Maybe they ran into some sort of trouble." "Maybe something happened." "I don't know." "Yeah, maybe his garter belt snapped." "I don't think that would have slowed him down." "Well, it's hard to win a war when your stockings are falling down." "We're home!" "How'd it go?" "NEWKIRK:" "Oh, piece of cake." "Fine, fine." "LeBEAU:" "Yeah, fine." "Oh, my God." "Colonel... how can we ever thank you?" "Leave your names and addresses, and after the war," "I'm sure we can work something out." "( laughs )" "Come in." "Now, Colonel Hogan, you asked permission to see me?" "Right, sir." "Request permission for my men to have extra rations tomorrow." "Why do you want extra rations?" "Don't tell me you've forgotten." "It's a holiday." "What holiday?" "Armistice Day." "It's the day we beat the Germans in the First World..." "Sorry, sir." "It's in bad taste." "Permission refused." "Colonel, you're invited to the party." "The men insisted." "Request denied." "I hate a poor loser." "Oh, uh... what do you hear from your old boss," "Captain Heinrich?" "The Captain you admire so much, Hogan, has met with disgrace." "No!" "He allowed the three lady prisoners to escape." "I can't believe it." "And I heard that he was... ( stifling laughter ) overpowered by a lady's handbag." "( laughs )" "Did you ever see what a woman carried in her purse?" "If headquarters would have left those women with me, this never would have happened!" "What harm can three girls do?" "Because of them, the enemy bombed one of our most important experimental stations." "Dismissed." "Rockets?" "Yes." "Who said rockets?" "You did." "( whispers ):" "But your secret's safe with me." ""(End of Episode)""