"I'm not sick but I'm not well" "And I'm so hot" "Cos I'm in hell" "That smells good." "Is that a Cumberland sausage?" "It's my birthday week so I'm being nice to myself." "That's an onion gravy, isn't it?" "I thought I'd throw a party and in advance of the party" "I'm going to go speed dating." "It'd be great to get a date lined up." "Speed dating?" "And a party?" "Mark, you know that if you end up a basket case," "I'm the one who'll have to wheel you around the National Army Museum." "Look at us, Jez, we're letting our lives slip through our fingers." "Maybe you don't care, but I need to get out there and I'm never going to meet a woman in a pub or a nightclub or an art gallery or a book shop, or any other formal or informal social gathering." "It's just not going to happen." "D'you think you're going to eat all that?" "I don't know." "It's a bit too much but I'm hoping if I eat it quickly, my stomach won't notice." "I'm hungry." "That is not my problem." "'I'm the skinny one, I need food more than him." "'Yeah, I might just Robin Hood this baby." "'He's such a tightarse, won't even replace the wide screen." "'How are they supposed to brainwash me with their adverts 'if I can't even see them properly?" "'" "Recognise this, Jeremy?" "I went to get the Cherry Garcia out to defrost and look what I found inside." ""Look, I know what you think happened" ""and you're right, I have eaten all your ice-cream."" "This is it, this is the line." "You have crossed the line." "Read the mitigating circumstances." "There are loads." "A sausage has gone!" "Oh, my God, Jeremy." "A sausage is missing!" "Is this what it's come to?" "I've got to carry my food around with me now, to stop you from..." "Right, well, I'm sorry, you've driven me to this." "What are you doing?" "I'm making a list of all the household items that you have permission to consume." "Oh, for God's sake." "Toilet paper, OK." "Soap, OK." "But not shower gel." "And no razors." "If you're poor, grow a beard." "Tea bags are allowed, within limits." "Limits?" "What limits?" "No making a pie out of tea or anything weird." "Look, Mark, lay off, will you?" "The thing is, and I keep..." "meaning to tell you this, but basically a few years ago Mummy gave me a nest egg and I kept on meaning to invest, but it turns out I've spent it." "You ate your nest egg?" "You're meant to sit on your nest egg till it hatches, not eat it like some greedy, mad chicken." "Well, the solution's obvious." "Get a job." "Yeah, fine, whatever, but it's difficult, you know?" "There just aren't that many media positions out there." "That's the reality." "So?" "Do something else, get on your bike." "I can't believe you're trying to make me get a job not in the media." "You're such a bastard." "You have to pay rent, Jeremy, that needs to happen." "Put the sausage back." "I'm deadly serious." "You never pay any rent." "If you start stealing from me as well, that's it, you'll have to move out." "This is the final straw." "'Mmm!" "Delicious Cumberland final straw, dripping in onion gravy. '" "'Ugh, speed dating, that was horrible." "'No-one else seemed to mind." "Maybe this is the future." "'Three-minute date, three-minute fuck, three-minute marriage. '" "Mark Corrigan." "We've collated all your ticks and crosses with the girls' ticks and crosses." "The results are in." "What does the swingometer say?" "Well, I'm afraid you've got no matches for dating." "What?" "None?" "But number 23 said she was definitely going to tick!" "That's a verbal contract!" "Well, maybe you could take her to court." "Speed dating, I'd be better off speed skating." "'Doesn't really work but she gets the point." "'I'm just another reject slowly slipping out of the gene pool 'to get hoovered up by the sex industry. '" "'Oh, Saz, she implied she might be ticking." "'Maybe she did tick, maybe the data wasn't collated correctly." "'Maybe she's my hanging chad. '" "Hi, remember me?" "Um..." "Mark, we had a three-minute date about 15 minutes ago." "Yeah, sorry, sorry, I'm just a bit all over the place." "I just got a message from this guy I just split up with." "He wants me to move all my stuff out of his apartment by the end of the week." "We only just split up on Tuesday." "What a knob." "That's terrible, but..." "Budvar?" " Yeah, great!" " 'I'm buying her a drink." "'Got to order before someone nicks my idea. '" "'Yeah, I'll get on my bike." "'My bike's my big dick. '" "Jeremy Usbourne?" "'Wow, she's hot." "'Maybe she's a sort of warm-up act. '" " Cubicle three." " Great, thanks." "Listen, I just wanted to say I'm sorry." "What for?" "For what goes on through there." "I just want to assure you that I'm not the same as the rest of these feckless come-shedders." "So, if you ever need anyone for a... private donation, you've got my details." "'Oooh, bit creepy." "Spermy atmosphere is cramping my style." "'Right." "Time to open my sticky bank account. '" "'Hey, where's the porn?" "No porn?" "'Am I supposed to just dry hump myself?" "'Must be something I could use?" "'Would it be wrong?" "'Why not?" "It's a free country." "'OK, Queeny, it's back in the '50s, you're nice and young, 'you've just been coronated, I'm taking off your cloak." "'No, leave the crown on." "'Ooh, what's this, stockings?" "'You've been getting through your nylon ration book pretty quickly, 'you naughty, sexy Queen!" "'Oh, shit." "'Right, here we..." "'Oh." "Elgar?" "!" "'Oh, I've totally lost it now." "'Thanks a bunch, Elgar'" "'What's my stuff doing in the hall?" "'" "Jez, I didn't realise you'd be back so soon." "You're redecorating." "Oh, you felt bad about before." "That's nice." "Not sure about that for the ceiling colour, but then it's not me that looks at that - it's the chicks, right?" "Right." "The thing is, it's not for you, mate, it's for Saz." "Sorry?" "Saz?" "Saz who?" "What Saz?" "Hi!" "Saz is having that room, I've invited Saz to move in." "What the fuck?" "You're kicking me out?" "Not right away." "You can stay on the sofa until you find a new place." "It's just not viable for you to take up a whole room for free." "What?" "And what do you call this, exactly?" "A loaf of delicious Vogel linseed bread." "Benecol margarine, soya milk, marrow?" "What's wrong with linseed bread and marzipan and Ryvita and radishes?" "It's Continental." "I know why you're buying it, because you know I don't like it." "But you don't like it either." "If you're going to steal my food, Jeremy, I prefer you not to enjoy it and not enjoying it myself is a small price to pay." "Look, if you had some career other than wanking into a cup, maybe you could buy food and pay the rent." " What's she paying, then?" " Saz?" "Well, nothing..." "I-initially." "But, Jeremy, look, the thing is, I think she might be the one." "And I could never win with a woman like that on the sexual battlefield, but in here, I can pipe in Barry White while she's asleep, pretend I need a back rub, fall asleep on her lap." "Right, so that's what it comes down to, is it?" "You don't want to bone me, so I'm out." "It's that brutal." "Have you seen the old man down by the seamen's mission?" "Yes, not very fuckable, is he?" "Screw him." "That's what it is, isn't it?" "'OK, Sophie due over tomorrow for the break-up handover." "'Nothing too heavy." "Olives, crispbreads, dips." "'These are the heartbreak snacks." "'No stewed ribs or chocolate dildos. '" "You all right, Marco?" "Listen, I've just got a couple of mates around and we're getting smashed, is that cool?" "Brilliant." "I was going to ask if you might be able to make yourself scarce tomorrow night." "I've got a bit of ex stuff." "Yeah, whatever." "Hey, listen, Marco, you wouldn't have any fucking nose powder on the sly, would you?" "No, I don't really..." "Why don't you run out and get us some coke, eh, Marco?" "Go on, get us some coke, you big freak." "Then we can sit around watching your porno collection!" "To be honest, I don't really know where to get coke and I don't have a porno collection." "Sure you do, you're getting a chubby just thinking about it, aren't you, mate?" "You filthy little dirt box!" "Hey, man, Marco's got a chub on!" "Come on, girls, let's get shitfaced." "Wow, this is great, isn't it?" "Three fun-loving girls in the flat." "Anything could happen." "I suppose anything could happen." "Anything could happen." "They might shag us." "Don't say it, Jeremy." " They might shag each other." " There's no need to actually say it." "If you say it, you'll break the spell." " I'll open the tequila." " Good idea." "This is probably their dealer." "What shall I say to their dealer?" "Soph." "Hey, Mark." "But..." "The handover's not till tomorrow night." "I think I would remember, Mark." "No, look, I'll show you in my diary." "See, tomorrow night - you've got it wrong." "Oh, right." "Well done, Mark." "One point to you." "Sorry." "Can I come in?" "No?" "What?" "Maybe we should stick to the appointed..." "OK, I guess, if... if you're here." "'OK, let's try and keep this festival of recriminations brief. '" "Ignore the girls, they're Jeremy's girls, they're not my girls." "No way!" "Oh, my God!" "Thanks for my stuff." "Here's your stuff." "It's so great that you could come round." "I'll see you in the office, I guess." "I thought the whole point was we were going to have a bit of an air clear." "Unless of course this is a bad time for you." "'No, not sitting!" "'" "I don't know if I'm up or down at the moment." "Tolly from the office asked if I wanted to go for a coffee and I told him to get lost." "Then I realised, I've got to move on at some time, so..." "Hey, Mark, get back in here so Lindsey can jerk you off!" "What?" "No-one's going to jerk me off, Sophie, it's just a stupid joke." "I'm not the one that's going to jerk you off, she's the one that's going to jerk you off!" "Please, carry on." "Are you trying to humiliate me?" "What?" "God, no." "Mark, come and put your tongue up Lindsey's arsehole, it's clean!" "Yeah, well you seem to have moved on pretty fucking quick." "Look, I'm sorry." "They're Australian, they think it's all fine." "I'm so sorry, Soph." "'I don't even want to put my tongue up anyone's arsehole. '" "'Ugh." "So little sleep." "Third night in a row." "'I'm living in Animal House." "I don't want to live in Animal House." "'I want to live in one of the other houses." "'Little House On The Prairie." "Hello, this is more like it." "'Sexy girl at breakfast." "Finally getting my bonus ball. '" "Morning." "What's going on, Marco?" "I mean, what the fuck am I doing?" "Last night I took all this speed and I copped off with this guy." "I don't even remember his name." "'Oh, shit, I'm out of my depth." "'What do I do?" "Put the kettle on?" "'The sound of the kettle might drown out her tears. ' and everything's just fucked!" "'This is my very own anti-drugs commercial. '" "I'll get you a tissue." "What the fuck am I doing in this country anyway?" "How are you doing?" "Terrible." "I was in the hall for most of the night." "What's so funny?" "That's what I want to know." "I don't know." "I just think they were..." "laughing generally." "I don't think they're ever going to screw us, do you?" "No." "No, I don't." "When are they going to leave?" "I might ask Saz to leave." "I'll get some money, really I will." "I just need to sleep, Mark." "If they don't go, I might have to go." "So, er, Saz, listen, I've been thinking." "It's been really great having you here but now you've done the South, the London Eye and the Trocadero, so you probably want to be heading up North." "Not really." "But there's a Harvey Nichols in Leeds everyone goes on about as if that's the answer to something." "Look, don't kick me out, Marco." "There's an Anzac Memorial in Huddersfield." "The truth is, I've... actually started to really like you." "You..." "like me?" "Yeah, I..." "I want to go out with you." "Wow." "OK, so," "I could tell people that..." "you were my girlfriend?" "Well... we might take things slow to start with, yeah?" "Sure, but we could still have fun and watch, you know, Morse, and people could see us out together, like at my birthday party on Friday, and I could put a photo of us on Facebook?" "Sure, all that stuff." "So, can I... stay?" "Course you can stay." "When a man loves a woman..." "Maybe this could be our song." "Sure, why the fuck not?" "'OK, well, money might not buy you love, but apparently 'a furnished flat can get you a reasonable simulation. '" "So, when's she moving out?" "She's actually not moving out straightaway." "Have you given her a time limit, cos when you chucked me out, no time limit, and here I still am." "Yes, well, she's... she's not moving out, because... we are now a couple." "We've started a relationship." "In the last two minutes?" "You can't put a stopwatch on the human heart, Jeremy." "Romance just blossomed, in the kitchen." "What's going on?" "She is so doing a number on you." "This is the fucking limit." "I need to get some sleep, Mark." "But Jez, where are you going?" "I don't know, Super Hans or Pedge's houseboat or Big Suze." "Jez, Suze is back with Johnson and Pedge's houseboat's never going to be released from Rotterdam." "Sheesh." "What a knob." "'Hope he'll be OK." "'I guess we're moving on." "'Yes, it's me and my hired concubine for a day of sterile conversation 'and sexual frustration." "'Unless I... '" "You don't, do you, fancy a bit?" "I'm not... sure." "Um, maybe later?" "Of course." "Later." "So, I'm off to Frankfurt this afternoon." "Now, normally, I'd appoint a caretaker manager." "'Oh, Johnson, let me count the ways 'how I admire the organisational and interpersonal skills of thee." "'Right in front of me, nice." "'Reckon Sophie was almost definitely the one." "'Yep as soon as she's horrible to me, realise I want her - classic. '" "Oh, ah!" "'The bloody lever's gone!" "'" " Lever, get the lever!" " What?" "The lever's gone!" "Mark, are you OK?" "Agh-agh!" "Agh!" "Ah..." "Ah." "Ah." "Oh, wow." "Oh, God!" "And for his next trick, Mr Corrigan will slide a 2B pencil up his anus." "'Oh, acute social embarrassment plus intense physical pain." "'I'm really pushing the envelope. '" " Agh." " You OK, Mark?" "What happened?" "I don't know, I was just looking at Sophie and then..." "Yeah, she could be a bit more subtle, couldn't she?" " Is she taking Tolly to your birthday?" " Well, I need the numbers, so..." "Perhaps it would be better if you left the self-harming for the weekend, mate." "Jeff's doing a joke Jeff's doing a joke" "Everybody quiet cos Jeff's doing a joke" "Freak." "Nice." "Anyway, about the party, I mean, Scumpy Pete wanted to go with me but I thought, if you wanted, for moral support, we could go together?" "Us?" "'Oh, got to choose - nice geeky Dobby 'or Saz, my primetime newsreader-type girlfriend?" "'" "Dobby, listen, that's lovely, but the thing is, I'm going with my... girlfriend." "You've got a girlfriend?" "Don't sound so surprised." "OK, well, cool." "'Did the right thing there, pretty sure." "'Don't listen to your heart." "That's what no-one tells you, 'but that's the real grown-up truth. '" "'OK, I'm homeless and she's got a home, it's a perfect fit. '" "Jeremy, you look terrible." "What's going on?" "Mark kicked me out so I don't have anywhere to live right now." "But I'm actually really enjoying myself." "Oh, Jeremy, you poor thing." "So, listen, I was wondering, depending on what you're doing, and stuff, whether or not I might come and live with you?" "You know I'm back with Alan." "Oh, we can get rid of Johnson." "I mean, the guy's a dick, so..." " He takes very good care of me." " I could take very good care of you." "I'm not a hobo." "Look, Alan's in Frankfurt, but even so, I really don't think you can stay here." "Listen, my sister runs this men's refuge." "If you cut yourself, they'd have to let you in." "Yeah?" "Yeah." "I'll just get the number." "'God, look at all this stuff." "'Lovely stuff you could steal, then sell, then eat and..." "'Is that Johnson's credit card?" "With the pin?" "'If someone does that, you're supposed to rob them!" "'Just one sandwich." "I'll post it right back. '" "'Thank you, Johnson." "'Got my rotisserie chicken, got my kilo of extra-mature Cheddar, 'bottle of Cristal, gonna slip on my headphones, slap a DVD on the portable 'and have me a homeless, hip-hop, cheesy luncheon banquet." "'It's a victimless crime." "Johnson will report it stolen." "Who loses?" "'Wallace  Gromit?" "Gromit doesn't care, Gromit's fine. '" "Hi." "Just buying some stuff, if that's OK." "Just tap in your pin for me." "'Here we go again." "This is so easy." "What's going on?" "'Come on, come on, come on, come on." "Why won't it go?" "'Nothing's happening." "'Shit, I'm gonna get caught." "I'm going to be Tasered alive. '" "Your card's the wrong way round." "Oh, of course!" "Wrong way round." "Yeah." "My card, my silly card..." "Bad card!" "Always wrong, aren't you, card?" "'Calm down, not too much. '" "And can I get £30... £50 cashback, as well, please?" "'8008- that is a nice pin." "'Oh, Elgar!" "Why do you always find me at my lowest points, Elgar?" "'" "'Dancing with my girlfriend at my party." "Look at me now, Dad, 'look at me now. '" "Whoo-hoo!" "More music!" "We want more!" "Another drink?" "Oh, yeah, fill her up, babe." "'Did she wince?" "That's not good." "'Wincing isn't mentioned by the Romantic poets. '" "Hey, Mark, lot of people." "Lots of people I didn't know you liked." "Meat in the room, Gerard, meat in the room." "Bottle of Beck's, please, and a vodka for my girlfriend." "Just leave my girlfriend's drinks here." "I can give them to my girlfriend later." "Corrigan, nice piece of arm candy you got there." " Do you really think she's the one?" " Who knows?" "She could be the one." "Love moves in mysterious ways." "Whoa, hello, she's getting jiggy to this one." "Oh, yeah, yeah." "Yeah, she loves this one." "This is one of her faves." "Yeah, there, there she goes!" "That's... that's Saz." "That is Saz all over." "That is so her." "Are you OK with that?" "Oh, hell, yeah, yeah." "She's just having a bit of fun." "She's a minx, isn't she?" "This is all a part of our whole thing." "We'll probably go home after this and just, really, you know..." "Have you seen what they're doing?" "Yes, I've bloody seen what they're doing!" "It's fine, all right?" "It's cool." "Look, let's have a funny one!" "Do you have the Barron Knights?" " Hey, Mark!" " Jeremy?" "!" " Happy birthday, man." " What's this?" "You're always saying about taking up the violin," " so I thought, now's your chance." " Wow, a violin!" " Hello, Jeremy." " Johnson!" " What the fuck?" "You're in Frankfurt." " Am I?" "Well, I hate to contradict you." "How did you afford this, Jeremy?" "Something's come through for me." "So, listen, Jeremy, I got a call today saying that my credit card had been used to buy various items..." "'Oh, shit!" "' including a violin, a Ted Baker suit and a bass guitar once played by Sir Paul McCartney from the Hard Rock Cafe." "Yes, naturally." "That's why I was coming to see you, to let you in on our scam." "'Oh, great'" "Our scam?" "!" " Yes." "I load up on goodies, you put a call in saying your card's lost - shazam!" "You get your cash back, plus a little extra, everyone's a winner." "No, it's why my APR is at 16%." "If it wasn't for lowlifes like you, my APR would probably be only around 12%." "Alan, I'm sorry, but he's not a criminal." "He's just an idiot." " I'm calling the authorities." " No, stop!" "Alan, I'll pay..." "I'll pay up for him." "You came that close." "Let's boogie, baby." "Bloody hell, Jeremy, you can pay me back in instalments." "OK, fine, everyone wins." "I get my suit, you get your violin." "I don't want a fucking violin!" "I want to learn the clarinet, and I can't, and I've already got one." "Well, learn the violin, as well." "Chill out." "And now a special request for Mark, the birthday boy!" "When A Man Loves A Woman" "Our tune." "This is our tune." "If you wanna dance with her, dance with her." "'Yes, I've taken this long enough." "'We have an arrangement." "That's my rallying cry." "'We have an arrangement. '" "Do you mind if I cut in?" "Um, babe, can you fuck off?" "I'm kinda busy." "Happy birthday, mate!" "Nice party." "'This is it - the worst party ever." "'My misery has peaked." "'Oh, no, look at that!" "It hadn't peaked." "'Oh, and there's more." "'Good, yes." "Great." "'This is all just great. '" "Maybe we should... if you fancy it?" "No, I don't really fancy it." "'That's right, dance..." "Dance the night away, 'but you'll pay me back, Jeremy, 'even if you end up dancing in cages at fetish bars. '" "Paranoia, paranoia" "Everybody's comin' to get me" "Just say you never met me" "I'm runnin' underground with the moles, digging' holes"