"(Crow caws)" "Sue, get out of my shower!" "I'm not gonna wait anymore!" "I got to get to work!" "Sue:" "Can't!" "Axl's hogging up our bathroom, and I want to look good today." "Carly and I are gonna try to start a flash mob in the cafeteria." "Ooh." "Someone's gonna sell a car today." "Heh, how about you put some of that hilarious energy into making lunches?" "Ugh." "This dishwasher's getting worse." "I think it's actually putting food on." "Uh, mom?" "How long have you known about this?" "I don't even know what that is." "Why aren't you dressed?" "It's some kind of catalog called "Chow Down Chicago,"" "where you can order food and they'll deliver it to you... from Chicago." "Can I have it?" "Sure, whatever." "Knock yourself out." "Just get dressed." "Thank you." "What did he get?" "What did you just give him?" "Stupid old catalog." "I want an old catalog." "(Sighs)" "Axl, what is the matter with you?" "We do not put shoes where we serve food." "Hey!" "Whoa!" "Watch the hat!" "I've been working this hat all summer to arrive at the optimum level of awesomeness-- the shape of the brim, the degree of fade-age, and look-- it gives me the perfect amount of skull room." "Yeah, that's a waste of space." "Oh, my God." "Let me see that." "Pam Staggs is gonna be on "Wheel Of Fortune"?" "Hmm." "How'd she get on the "wheel?"" "I know she moved to St. Louis a while ago." "Do you think she went to Hollywood, or did the "Wheel"" "come to St. Louis?" "They do that sometimes." "How'd Pam Staggs I went to high school with get on the "Wheel?"" "I'd like to solve the puzzle." "Who cares?" "It's the "Wheel," Mike." "She could win a fortune in cash and prizes." "Wow." "Pam Staggs." "She was a cheerleader, always carried a lesportsac." "She had "pong" before anybody." "Ah, "pong."" "Okay, everybody?" "Listen up." "Tonight I'm rushing home, and between 7:30 and 8:00, that tv is mine." "Don't even think about watching my tv." "Here." "I got to take a shower." "If I'm gonna sneak out an hour early, I can't be more than an hour late." "(Sighs)" "Holy crap." "Pam freaking Staggs is on the "Wheel."" "Mr. Ehlert:" "Hey there, frances." "Oh." "I was just getting ready to head out." "I have something I need to-- (Groans)" "Let me ask you something, frances." "Say you're me, and your wife is asking you to go out to dinner with your brother-in-law you can't stand." "You work hard." "Well, not you, frances." "I mean me, in the story." "Uh-huh, uh-huh." "Let me give you the back-story on this guy." " About 10 years ago..." " Tv's mine!" "Tell me I didn't miss it, tell me I didn't miss it." "(Turns tv on)" "Mom, do we want our wrigley field popcorn bonanza filled with caramel corn or spicy ranchero?" "Shh!" "No food talk right now, brick." "Okay?" "I'm starving, I'm dirty, and I wanna watch the "Wheel."" "I'm gonna have to call you back, Carol." "(Wheel rattling)" "(Gasps)" "Yes!" "Food!" "Mmm." "Ohh." "Seriously?" "I just bought this yesterday." "I just bought this yesterday!" "(Applause)" "Mom." "Shh." "Hang on, Sue." "She's about to solve the puzzle." "Oh, my God." "Did you just eat that?" "(Buzzer, audience groans)" "Relax." "Hmm?" "There's hardly any left." " You know, when I buy the good snacks" " Axl clipped his toenails in there." "The chip bag." "Axl clipped his toenails in the chip bag!" "You just ate Axl's toenails!" "I just what?" "Aah!" "(Screaming)" "Oh, God!" "Animal!" "What happened?" "What's going on?" "Mom ate Axl's toenails." "What is wrong with you people?" "!" "Damn it, Axl!" "What?" "!" "Mom ate your toenails!" "(Laughs) Seriously?" "You clip your toenails into a chip bag?" "Who does that?" "What the hell is the matter with you?" "!" "What?" "!" "You yell at me when I leave 'em on the table." "You yell at me when I leave 'em in the chip bag!" "God!" "There's no pleasing you people!" "What's going on?" "Mom's wigging out 'cause she ate my toenails." "What?" "(Gags)" "Axl clipped his toenails into a chip bag, and mom ate 'em." "Stop saying it out loud!" "What?" "Axl, you what?" "It's your fault, Axl." "Why'd you even clip your toenails into a stupid chip bag?" "I'm not the one on trial here!" "Why don't you ask mom why she ate them?" "Yeah." "That's actually a good question." "Oh, I don't know." "Maybe my life was going too well, and I just wanted to feel a little less human." "Ugh!" "I can still taste it on my tongue." "You know what might get the taste out?" "This Chicago bluesberry cheesecake sampler." "I don't want to hear it!" "Okay, all right, everybody calm down." "Axl, apologize to your mother." "Why should I apologize to her?" "She ate my toenails one time." "We eat her cooking every day." "(Chuckles)" "I'm not laughing." "This isn't funny." "Pam Staggs, you just won a million dollars!" "Oh, my gosh, oh, my gosh, oh, my gosh." "A million?" "(Applause)" "Okay." "I'm leaving." "(Axl scoffs)" "What?" "Dad." "Come on, Frankie." "You heard me." "Get out of my way." "I'm leaving." " Mom..." " Come on." "Where you gonna go?" "Anywhere but here, that's for sure." "Stop it." "Come on." "What-- what are you doing?" "Everybody's sorry." "Very, very sorry." "Good to hear." "Still going." "You know, I don't know where I'm going, but I will tell you this." "There are gonna be some major changes around here" " Major changes." " Frankie..." " Major... (Whispers)" "Changes." "Oh, my God." "Mom left." "She left." "What just happened here?" "I don't know." "Mom ate some toenails and took off." "Who knows what her problem is?" "Can she do that?" "Dad, is she allowed to do that?" "Look, your mom's had an experience." "She's obviously feeling something here, and she probably just needs to cool off a little." "And we're just gonna let her go?" "Oh, my God." "Why are we just standing here?" "We need to go find her and bring her back." "Mom's gone." "She's gone." "Our mother is gone!" "She's not gone." "She's only got 12 bucks in her purse." "She can't get very far." "Actually, $10." "$8." "$6.50." "I want her back." "I don't want to be a broken home." "Oh, God." "Oh, man." "I think she took my hat." " Axl..." " No, this is really bad." "I think when she was stuffing things in her bag, she got my hat in there by accident." "We have to go find it." "What if she puts it on her bumpy mom head and stretches it all out?" "No, what you gotta do is take some time to think about what we did as a family that caused this." "Mom said "major changes."" "Go to your room and you figure out what kind of major changes you all need to make, and I'm gonna do the same." "Do you think she's ever gonna come back?" "I don't know, brick." "'Cause I was thinking maybe we can get the family sausage pack now." "I was worried 'cause it's only for four, but now with an even number..." "Brick, shut up about your stupid catalog and start thinking about my hat." "Shut up about your stupid hat and your stupid catalog and start thinking about mom." "Did you notice any strange behaviour before this?" "Did mom seem unhappy?" "Pfft!" "How should I know?" "She's a mom." "I don't pay that much attention to her." "Well, then maybe that's the problem." "Maybe we don't pay enough attention to her." "Did she seem especially angry lately?" "No, just her regular amount of angry." "(Sighs)" "Well, then what is it?" "Dad said it's up to us to figure this out." "(Sighs)" "This is hard." "I've never thought of mom as a person before." "Eric Carmen: ♪ all by myself ♪" "♪ don't wanna be all by myself ♪" "Well, we've been thinking, and we've come up with some ideas, you know, for changes and stuff?" "Well, good." "Good." "Yeah, I've been doing that, too." "(Sniffles)" "We think we might need to change her food." "You know, their dietary needs do change as they get older." "She's not a dog." "Or maybe a multivitamin or something." "She might need more iron." "That's it?" "That's what you came up with?" "That it's your mom's fault?" "No." "(Clears throat)" "We do have another theory." "How are things going in the boudoir, dad?" "You getting the job done in there?" "Wow." "The old man moves pretty fast." "(Groans)" "So after three hours, I ended up back where I started" " Home." "(Crying)" "Mom." "Oh." "(Sobbing)" "Don't you see?" "This is everything!" "My life is forever going to be defined as before toenail and after." ""BT" and "AT," baby." "How do you go on after something like this?" "What are you supposed to do?" " Well..." " Well?" "Ha!" "You're stumped." "You don't have an answer." "Not like Pam." "She had an answer." "She only had a "p" and an "r,"" "and she got "pardon my French,"" " and now she's got a million dollars and I get" " Wait." "What?" "Who has a million dollars?" "Pam, mom!" "Pam Staggs!" "Pam Staggs was on the "Wheel?"" "Well, she was always so bubbly." "They just like that type on the show." "Is that good?" "I mean, she wasn't even that smart, right?" "Mnh-mnh." "She was just pretty, and now she's smart and pretty, and she's driving a new Ford fiesta, and I'm bellying up to the toenail buffet!" "(Stifles laugh)" "Ohh." "Look at you, little ballerina." "You think you're gonna be a prima ballerina in your little outfit, don't you?" "But you're not." "Let me give you a piece of advice" " Don't even bother growing in those two front teeth, 'cause someday in your future..." "You're just gonna use 'em to eat toenails." "Okay!" "That's enough wine for you tonight." "Let's get you off to bed." "And what about you in the duck boat?" " You think you're so" " That's your sister." "Let's leave her out of this." "I'm sorry!" "I didn't know the garlic bread still had plastic on it." "That's okay." "Not your fault." "Nobody ever taught you." "Why were you frying frozen garlic bread anyway, doofus?" "I don't know." "Okay, Axl?" "I thought I saw mom do it once." "(Sighs)" "I just miss mom so much." "Okay." "This may be controversial, but I'm just gonna say it." "I like it better with mom not here." "(Gasps)" "Axl, you take that back." "You take that back right now!" "Unh-Unh." "Dad, if you're willing to spring on extra postage, we can have the Mike ditka rib trio here by tomorrow at 5:00." "I literally just need a credit card number." "(Telephone rings, beep)" "Hello?" "Frankie:" "Hi." "It's me." "Hey, how are things going there?" "Thought I might have heard from you earlier." "Ugh." "I just woke up." "No, brick." "We are not ordering from the catalog!" "I am going to make us food, and it's gonna be delicious, okay?" "Is that mom?" "Ask her about my hat." "(Microwave oven beeps)" "So how's it going there?" "Good." "Good." "The kids are pretty much fixed, so you can come home whenever you want." "(Children speaking indistinctly)" "So when are you heading home?" "I'm not sure." "What do you mean you're not sure?" "Mike..." "I... (Sighs)" "I just need a minute." "A minute?" "You been gone 23 hours." "That's a whole lot of minutes." "Listen, Frankie, the longer you stay away from this place, the harder it's gonna be to come back, so just get in the car and come home." "I don't want you making the trip when it's dark by yourself." "Mike, it's not just toenails." "It's my whole life." "I just need to re-evaluate." "Okay." "I'll call you tomorrow." "Was that mom?" "Is she on her way home?" "Not yet." "Well, when is she coming home?" "I don't know." "So, uh, what's going on between you two, you know, h-w-wise?" "(Whistles)" "Oh, my God." "She's not coming home ever, is she?" "We blew it." "Yeah, we had a mom, and we blew it." "Stop it, Sue." "Your mom's coming back." "I just love mom so much!" "I know at my age I'm not supposed to." "All my friends complain about their moms, so I lie and tell 'em I'm having troubles, too, but I don't." "I love her more than ever!" "This is weird." "They won't deliver to Nevada." "I mean, it's okay, 'cause we're not in Nevada, but..." "What do you think they have against Nevada?" "You want to know what drove mom away?" "It was you." "You get obsessed with something no one else in the universe cares about, and then you go on and on and on about it, and mom probably couldn't take it anymore!" "So that's why she left." "She left because of you!" "And I've only had my period for a month!" "I need my mom!" "Nice work, Sue." "Where you going?" "I'm going to get your mom back." " Oh, dad, ask her" " I'm not asking about the hat, Axl." "Brick?" "Don't worry, Sue." "You won't have to hear me go on and on anymore." "I threw the catalog out." "(Whispers) I'm lying." "Brick, I didn't mean it." "It's not your fault mom left." "No, you're right." "I drone." "And mom's always pretending she's interested, not like dad." "It was probably my fault." "I'm the one who used her shower yesterday." "That could have tipped her over the edge." "But that's only 'cause Axl was hogging up our bathroom." "You're right." "And let's not forget they were Axl's toenails mom ate." "(Crunches)" "Axl!" "It was you." "It's all your fault mom left." "You're selfish and you're snarky and you only think of yourself, and mom was probably sick of it." "Well, you're an embarrassing dork-cheese." "You think mom wants to be associated with that?" "You never empty the dishwasher, no matter how many times mom asks!" "That's because you never put the dishes in it like you're supposed to, and besides, you don't do the laundry like she asks!" "I don't know how to work it!" "Don't pick on Sue." "You never take out the garbage." "Well, you don't do any chores." "You're always just freakishly reading." "That's true, brick, and you wander off at the mall and scare mom half to death!" "Well, at least I don't have braces that are costing mom millions of dollars." "I have an overbite crossbite!" "You don't tell mom you have a school assignment until the night before!" "You don't fill up the ice cube tray!" "You lick things that aren't food!" "You don't tell mom you love her!" "None of us do that!" "Maybe it's all of our fault." "Oh, God." "Brick's right." "We do need to make major changes." "Yeah, but what?" "Maybe we could pick up our dirty clothes off the floor." "Yeah, and like, put 'em in the laundry or something?" "I know mom hates to dust." "If we dusted out, that would probably make her really happy." "We could even clean our bathroom." "Yeah." "(Inhales sharply)" "On the other hand, what if dirty clothes isn't her problem?" "What do you mean?" "Like, what if we did the laundry, and that's not what's bothering her?" "That's true." "We don't want to do extra stuff." "Yeah, or we don't clean the bathroom the way she likes?" "That could really set her off." "And we know she's already unstable." "It could cause her to take off again." "Look, if she really wanted us to make changes, she should have told us what they were." "We're not mind readers." "Yeah." "When you think about it, it's sort of her fault." "So it's decided?" "We do nothing?" "Yep." "It's the only thing we can do." "Oh." "You're still in my pajamas." "It's okay if I stay another day, right?" "Of course, honey." "You are welcome to stay as long as you need to." "(Chuckles)" "But I do have bridge club on Tuesday." "Thanks, mom." "I just don't think I'm ready to go home yet." "Mmm." "(Laughs)" "Frankie... you don't really think your life is so bad, do you?" "No." "It's good." "I know I should be grateful" " Good husband, healthy kids, blah, blah, blah." "'Cause I know Pam Staggs seems like she has it all, but no one has it perfect, Frankie." "Every mom has that moment where she wants to get in the car, drive to Kentucky, check into the holiday inn with a bottle of peppermint schnapps, and watch all the "smokey and the bandits" in one night." "Mom." "Really?" "And you know what?" "Halfway through "smokey 3," I got sick of Burt Reynolds, I missed my family, and I knew it was time to go home." "(Sighs)" "Oh, honey." "(Sighs)" "It's just hard, 'cause right now you're in the middle of it, but if I could go back in time, you know what I would do?" "What?" "I'd sniff the back of your little neck." "(Chuckles)" "You always had the sweetest smelling little neck." "I don't think I spent nearly enough time smelling the back of your neck." "But then I'd get the hell out of there." "Mom." "Well, it's true." "Raising kids is hard." "Look, Frankie, here's the deal." "You're gonna have lots of toenail moments-- lots and lots of 'em-- but you're gonna end up having more good moments than toenail moments, I promise you." "Okay." "And your kids are gonna grow up, and your life is gonna get easier, and they're only gonna come and stay with you and bother you just once every so often." "(Chuckles)" "Oh, God." "Honey, you got to take a shower." "Sorry." "(Vehicle approaches)" "(Gasps)" "Oh, look who's here." "Your knight in shining armour has come all this way to get you." "Really?" "(Horn blares)" "Oh, well." "Are you kidding me?" "You honk?" "You won't even get out of your car to come to the door and get me?" "I drove 120 miles!" "Now go grab your baggie and get in the car." "You haven't been through it, Mike." "You're a non-toenail-eater." "You think other people don't go through stuff like that?" "When I lent Axl my car for prom, the next day, I sat in his friend's vomit!" "I didn't even tell you about that!" "But did I freak out and leave my family?" "No." "I hosed it down and got on with my life." "'Cause that's what you do, Frankie." "You power through." "I just need a minute to think." "No!" "No more time to think." "You start to think and the whole thing unravels." "Get in the car!" "See?" "This is my life." "My husband won't even come to the door to get me." "I bet Pam Staggs' husband wouldn't honk." " Pam Staggs' husband would come to the door and he" " Oh, my God!" "Are you still talking about Pam Staggs?" "Who cares about Pam Staggs?" "You're a thousand times prettier than she is!" "I'll get my stuff." "(Telephone rings)" "(Ring, beep)" "Yeah?" "Okay." "Sweet!" "Yeah!" "That was dad." "He and mom and my hat are on their way home." "(Chuckles)" "(Sighs)" "Oh, my God." "What major changes can we make in 30 minutes?" "I'll get the clothes." "I'll do the dishes." "If mom comes home and sees this, she's gonna leave again!" "I don't know where any of this goes!" "Here, brick." "If you don't know here it goes, throw it in the backyard." "What is this?" "Another catalog?" "Both:" "Brick!" "(Gasps)" "Wow!" "(Door closes)" "Look at this place." "Mom, we are so sorry." "We missed you so much." "Sue made a terrible mom." "Thank God you're back." "I'll never take you for granted again." "Wow." "I mean, is this my house or the Fairfield Suites?" "(Giggles)" "Ohh, you guys must have worked really hard to get it looking like this." "I'm proud of you kids." "Very, very proud." "After that night, there were changes." "Oh, not major changes, but minor ones." "Mom." "I just want you to know, I took my shower early so I wouldn't bother you." "Oh, and this fell off." "So if we order two of the floating beverage book holders, they're actually cheaper." "It's a catalog called Hammacher Schlemmer." "(Whispers) Hammacher Schlemmer." "But that's okay, 'cause apparently, I'm gonna miss all this crap one day." "(Sniffs and sighs) (Whispers indistinctly)"