"Murder Most Horrid" "...and that was it." "Thirteen years of dedicated work terminated over a cup of tepid coffee..."" ""Well done, shake hands, here's a bin bag, clear your desk." "Sorry, didn't know you'd dropped off." "I was just explaining how I lost my job." "Are we nearly there yet, dear?" "Another 45 minutes or so..." "The Outplacement Counsellor said I should look on it as an opportunity to grow." "Grow?" "The only thing I'll be growing is an ulcer." "We All Hate Granny" "[TV] "...been putting in all sons of hours on the building site and now everything is running pretty smoothly," "I can relax a bit..."" "You will come out and welcome her, won't you?" "No." "No." "Oh, come on the pair of you, don't be rotten." "Granny's had some very bad luck these last few years." "You know." "First with Grandpa dying and then... the other thing." "All I want you to do is give her a cheery wave from the step, then you can watch telly till the crack of doom." "Please, Cassandra." "No." "Why not?" "Because I hate her." "And so do I." "Oh, God." "Where on eath have they got to." "It's a quarter to six." "Perhaps they had a crash, like uncle Bryan and auntie Liz." "If I catch you making remarks like that in front of Granny, well, you know what to expect." "They're here." "Hallelujah." "Hello, Mummy!" "Did you have a good journey?" "Let me help you with your..." "Oh." "She's been like that most of the journey." "She doesn't look well, does she?" "Do you think she looks well?" "Not bad for 75." "It's her heart, you know." "She's on medication." "Really?" "It's the only thing keeping her going." "Hello, dear!" "Let's get these things indoors and get the kettle on." "I'm parched." "My goodness, haven't you both grown!" "Shut up." "Pardon, dear?" "Clio, Cassandra, say hello to Granny." "Why is your hat screwed on so tightly, Granny?" "Yes!" "Is it to stop your brains falling out because you're so old?" "Cassandra and Clio, go straight to your rooms!" ""Room"." "Not "rooms"." "We've only got one room now thanks to Granny." "What did she say?" "She said make yourself at home and Mum will make you a cup of tea." "Funny smell in here, Pam." "Is it fags?" "Can we afford to have her living here?" "Things are pretty tough you know." "Tom!" "She's my mother!" "She's got nowhere else to go!" "Dad's dead Brian's dead, Liz's dead." "What are we supposed to do, put her in a home?" "How could you even suggest such a thing?" "Jocasta, I never..." "You were the one who..." "Put my mother in a home!" "What do you think I am?" "She'd never forgive us." "Sorry, Jocasta." "I'm sorry..." "We'll just have to get used to it." "Everything comes to those who wait." "Oh, what have we here?" "Is this your "den"?" "No, it's our "bedroom"." "And very nice isn't it?" "Very with-it." "Did you want something or did you get lost on the way to the bog?" "Well, there's someone here who'd like to to say hello to you two." "Who could it be?" "Hello, Clio!" "That's for you." "There's another one here." "Hello, Cassandra." "That's one for you dear." "Did you make this, Granny?" "Yes I did, dear." "That's really, really sweet." "What a pity it's about thirteen years too young for me!" "Yes!" "How did it go?" "My CV stunned them, my wide range of publishing experience made them gasp, they laughed at four of my witticisms." "It was a very successful interview." "Wonderful!" "The only damper being I didn't get the job." "You didn't?" "How can they say I'm too old." "I'm only 44, for Christ's sake!" "Don't worry." "I can keep us going till Christmas." "anything might happen by then." "Go and watch the cricket." "I'll bring you a nice Vodka and Tonic." "Thanks, love." "Oh, I know that face." "Hello, Lily." "Don't mind me." "I'm only a little 'un." "Indeed." "Would you like to look at the television, dear?" "Yes, why not?" "Good... cause there's a Catherine Cookson mini-series just starting." ""Teardrops and Granite."" "Isn't it immoral, poking through your mother's belongings?" "No!" "OK." "I wasn't going to show you this but if it saves you a pulmonary seizure..." "Do you know what these are?" "Share certificates." "Marks and Spencers." "Hanson Trust." "London Weekend Television." "Some of these go back 40 years." "The woman is loaded." "And you knew!" "That's why you were so keen to have her move in?" "Tom, she's my mother..." "Yes, yes, I know." "I'm sorry." "Which means as the only surviving relatives, we stand to inherit a fortune." "[TV] Marry me, Flossie." "Never!" "But you are carrying my child!" "I can never marry thee, Paul." "I hate thee." "Then I'll kill myself, but not before I kill thee, Flossie Patridge...!" "And you can see the ninth pan..." "That was really good." "Don't you think that was good, dear?" "Yes, it was." "Did you think it was good, Tom?" "Oh, yes." "It was fantastic!" "Yes." "That's what I like about her see she puts all the sexy bits in but not enough to make you feel too randy." "Well, that's me for the night then." "Oh, Pam dear, have you got my pills?" "You're holding them." "Oh." "Quite right." "Nightie night, then." "Night, Mum." "Good night." "She didn't look well, did she?" "No..." "Still on the medication." "That's right." "I'm afraid it may just be a question of time." "Sponge cake and squash all round!" "Isn't this fun?" "It'd be more fun if you'd put it on the tray." "Oh dear." "Who'd like a story instead?" "We're trying to play Jungle Strike and you keep talking." "Sorry." "Ssh!" "Yes, sssh!" "Perhaps you'd like a story when the cartoon's finished?" "It's not a cartoon." "It's a game." "You have to kill everyone before they kill you." "Dear, oh, dear!" "Sounds a bit too much like real life." "Ahem." "Ssh!" "I've a much better game..." "Shut up." "I'm going to bite you!" "Oh no." "My teeth have just escaped!" "Completely out of my mouth." "L'going to come for the other little girl now!" "That's disgusting, Granny." "Come one then." "Gran." "Yes, dear?" "Was mummy like this when she was young?" "What, all goosey and snappish, you mean?" "No, to tell you the truth, she was a bit of a goer." "A bit of a what?" "Well, you know, she was all "keen"." "Always looking for a bit of trouser." "You know, "diddling"." ""Jig-jig"" "Come to think of it, I could do with a little bit of that myself." "There aren't any old men in this steet looking for a bit of a service are there?" "You're talking about sex!" "I most certainly am dear and that's about the nearest as I get to it these days... more's the pity." "Good night." "Christ Almighty!" "Mother, try to get a grip!" "Pardon, dear?" "You let the pan boil over." "There was gas leaking everywhere." "It's very dangerous." "Oh." "Silly me." "It completely slipped my mind." "Well, write things down use post-it notes, get a personal organiser..." "Steady, Jocasta." "Oh, God." "What?" "No you ahead, Pam." "It's alright." "I'm not the one to criticise." "Must you call me that?" "Call you what dear?" "Pam!" "Well, you were perfectly content with Pam before you went to that university." "My name is Jocasta." "Well, either way," "I'm off upstairs for a bit of fresh air I think." "Night all." "Pam?"" "Pam?"" "It's her mind." "It's definitely going." "Definitely." "Won't be long now." "Just a question of time." "Meanwhile we've got to find you a job to tide us over..." "Tom..." "TOM!" "I'm inviting Jamie de Jongh to dinner next week." "Who?" "Anyway, Janet and Waldemar tell they're extremely interested in a son of Junior Booker Prize." "You know, best novelist under 30." "Interesting, Jamie." "Isn't that interesting, Tom?" "Yes, Jocasta." "Quite frankly, I don't know one novelist over 40 worth a second look." "One person over 40, come to that." "More mackerel pate, Emil?" "Oh, thank you, Jocasta." "It is well dread." "Ah, well pate's Tom's department." "Quite the chef, he is." "Aren't you, Tom?" "Oh... absolutely." "Who's locked you in here then?" "Who do you think?" "How unusual." "Not when she's got people coming, it isn't." "Jamie, tell us about this new line of post-modernist cookbooks you're bringing out." "Actually, we're looking for an editor at the moment." "Someone who combines culinary know-how with a working knowledge of semiotics." "Really." "Tom." "Yes?" "Perhaps, you'd like to talk to Jamie about this very interesting project of his." "Oh." "Right." "Because I've always been fascinated by the possibilities of deconstructing the cookbook as a cultural artifact." "Really..." "Speaking as someone who... who was taught to cook by Jacques Derrida." "Well listen, maybe you should come by the office next week, we could discuss..." "Oh, hello!" "Are you having a party?" "Yes we are... or had it slipped your mind?" "Don't grind your teeth, Pam dear." "You'll wear them to stumps." "Why all this black." "Someone died?" "I wish someone had told me pink winceyette was in this season." "That's a nasty Mitch you've got there, laddie." "Who is this woman?" "Er, no-one." "It's the cleaner." "Sometimes she forgets to go home." "Well, why is she wearing a nightie?" "It's... a housecoat." "Come on." "Out!" "By the way, Pam, you got any more of this delicious mackerel pate?" "I always say you can't beat Marks and Sparks for a nice bit of fish paste, eh?" "Oh, dear, oh dear, oh dear." "You know, there is such a thing as spray on hair these days, love." "That chap off the telly uses it, you know little bald one, just like you, only much, much nicer." "What's his name?" "What's he called, what's he called?" "Paul Daniels, that's the one." "Oh and by the way Pam dear, someone seems to have locked the children in their bedroom." "They lock themselves in sometimes." "You know children, fiddle, fiddle, fiddle." "Granny, you're brilliant!" "Sshh." "Come on now, come on you, come on trouble..." "She's doing it in purpose." "I'm sure of it." "It's all an act." "She's a senile old woman." "Whatever, she's ruining our lives." "Go to sleep." "Sometimes I wish she'd just go away..." "Tom, I don't want you to even mention killing her." "What?" "My God, she's my mother!" "What do you think I am?" "But I didn't..." "Don't ever let me hear you suggest killing her again." "You're despicable!" "Sorry... sorry, love." "What do you think I am, Tom?" "Sorry, I'm sorry. -"Kill her"." "I just want it known I'm very anti this whole murder idea." "Consider it known." "Hello, Mummy." "I've found your heart pills." "Oh thank you, dear." "You'd better take a couple before you forget..." "Your turn." "Hello, Lily." "I've found your heart pills." "Thank you, dear." "You'd better take a couple before you forget..." "Hello, Mummy." "I've found your heart pills." "Thank you, dear." "Hello, Lily." "Hello, Mummy." "O.K. That should do it." "You look like you've seen a ghost, dear." "Are you all right?" "Yes..." "Are you?" "Oh, mustn't grumble, you know." "Open your hand." "Oh." "That's about three weeks' pills I've forgotten to take." "I swear my mind's going you know." "[Radio] And finally, the word from the weather desk tonight is temperatures of minus 4 degrees Celsius." "So be sure to wrap up warm." "Particularly the elderly and infirm." "Mummy." "Cup of tea, Mummy." "Thanks, Pam dear." "If you just put it the side there." "Mum, what are you doing?" "Granny, they were trying to..." "I thought you might like an extra pillow." "Oh, that's just the job, dear." "Thank you." "How lovely, I haven't been to Wales for years..." "We'll say she wandered off." "It's always happening." "Confused old lady and all that..." "With any luck, she'll die of exposure." "Or get hit by a truck." "Oh, you cannae push your granny off the bus," "Oh, you cannae push your granny 'Cos she's your mammy's mammy," "Oh, you cannae push your granny off the bus." "Oh, you cannae push your granny off the bus." "Oh, you cannae push your granny off the bus." "Do you think it'll be on "Crimewatch"?" "Crimewatch?" "Where's the crime, for God's sake?" "She wandered off." "Oh, hello, dear." "We're just making some Bournevita." "Would you like some?" "Go on, Pam." "Have a little sip." "Lily, I wouldn't..." "It'll make her a big, strong girl." "Don't, Lily..." "Just like her dear old mum, eh?" "Jocasta, steady." "Yes, it's all highly amusing, isn't it, Cassandra?" "It's all a big joke, eh, Clio?" "You just sit around getting under our feet leeching us dry, and smirking..." "Get out of my sight!" "And as for you, "mother"." "How could you be so selfish?" "I'm your daughter." "Can't you stop thinking about what suits you for once?" "Can't you think about us and the simple thing you could do to make our lives more comfortable." "DIE, DAMN YOU!" "WHY WON'T YOU DIE?" "Jo-Jo, that's enough." "Come on." "Why did you stop me?" "I was just getting going." "You shouldn't shout at your mother like that." "Why not?" "I despair of you sometimes, Jocasta." "Because of the money!" "She's quite capable of leaving it all to the budgie or... or an ant or something." "I think you've blown it." "You don't, do you?" "Yes." "What shall we do?" "I don't know." "Go and be nice to her." "She might have forgotten." "Hello, Mum!" "Everything all right?" "Cup of tea?" "Your programme's on in a minute?" "You know, the one with the sheepdogs?" "Mum?" "Hand me my bag, Tom." "Yes!" "We have a result." "You can write that novel." "We can have that gite in the Dordogne." "We can send the girls away to boarding school." "Isn't it glorious?" "Yes..." "What shall we do with...?" "Tom, can't it wait untill morning?" "Well, I suppose..." "Come on." "Upstairs." "Keep your shirt on." "You're not dead, then?" "Oh crumbs, no." "I just nodded off." "It's has been quite a long day, you know." "Granny, do you know they're trying to kill you?" "Pardon, dear?" "She's trying to kill you." "Oh, silly girl." "I'm not being silly!" "Not you, love, her." "Now listen, do you really like it here?" "Not really, no." "Would you like to go away?" "With you?" "With me and Clio." "Yes." "Yes, I would." "All right then, dear." "Now you go upstairs now and get Clio." "Quiet as a cotton wool cat now." "You don't want to wake anyone." "And when you're ready and packed, I'll meet you outside." "But what are you doing?" "I'm just going to boil some eggs dear." "Sid?" "Sid?" "Sid?" "Sid." "Where is it, you stupid cow?" "Hurry up!" "Here we are, dear... here it is." "Did you sugar it?" "It better be sugared." "'Cos if you've forgotten to sugar it like last time... well, you remember what happened last time, don't you?" "Now I haven't forgotten, dear." "Just putting the sugar in now." "Memory like a bloody sieve..." "Granny." "Yes, dear?" "It's bad to kill people, isn't it?" "On the whole, dear, yes, yes it is." "Well, when isn't it?" "Goodness me, this is like the Brains' Trust!" "What's that?" "You know, Gilbert Harding and that other fellow, now what's his name..." "When is it O.K., Granny?" "Well, when there's a very good reason, dear." "And money never is." "I'm hungry" "Oh, well I've got some boiled eggs." "Do you fancy some oiled beggs, Clio?" "I'll have a look in here, that's where I put them..." "No, I tell a lie." "I think I must have forgotten them." "Memory like a sieve." "[Theme music]"