"[♪♪♪]" "ANNOUNCER:" "This is the story of two sisters:" "Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell." "These are the Tates." "And these are the Campbells." "And this is Soap." "[ARGUING]" "JESSICA:" "Now, hey, boys." "Boys." "[♪♪♪]" "And so, what you're saying to me, Mrs. Tate, is although you had a gun, you didn't shoot it." "You had a knife but you didn't use it." "You had a brick and you didn't throw it." "Is that what you're asking me to believe, Mrs. Tate?" "Chester, is this my lawyer?" "[MOUTHING] Oh, yes." "Well, why is he yelling at me?" "I thought he was supposed to be on our side." "Mrs. Tate, I'm pretending to be the prosecuting attorney so you get used to it when you're in court." "Well, are you going to yell at me like that when we go to court?" "Because if you are, I'm not going." "No, I won't, Mrs. Tate." "I promise I'll be very nice." "The prosecutor will probably yell." "Oh, well, who is the prosecutor?" "I don't know yet." "Oh." "Well, Chester, when you hire the prosecutor, make sure it's someone nice." "Mrs. Tate..." "You see, I was just telling Chester," "I don't think we really need a lawyer or a case or any of this." "See, I thought I would just go to the jury, and tell them I'm innocent." "They'll believe me." "Jess..." "Chester, all my life, people have always believed me." "See, I have that kind of face." "My mother once said to me, "Jessica, with a face like that, you could get away with murder."" "So you..." "You see, I was just thinking," "Mr. Magoo, maybe..." "Uh..." "Mallu." "Right." "You see, I thought..." "Mrs. Tate, why don't you go inside, and join the rest of the family?" "[CHUCKLES]" "Tell me, Tate, is this the way she generally is, or has she had a couple of boilermakers?" "No, that's pretty much Jessica." "You see, I usually rely upon putting my client on the stand, to testify in their own defence." "But, I mean, in this case, put her on the stand?" "You might as well strap her in, shave her head, and attach the electrodes, right there." "Well, we better look for some character witnesses amongst the rest of the family." "We've gotta find something to save her neck." "Everyone, this is E. Ronald Mallu." "He'll be handling Jessica's case." "Thank you all for coming." "Good afternoon, everyone." "Please, sit down." "[GROANS]" "Benson." "Ahh..." "Now, you were very kind to come on Mrs. Tate's behalf." "What we're looking for are good character witnesses." "So please remember, if there is anything in your past that might discredit you, tell me now." "I don't want to call you as a witness only to have the prosecution reveal something about you that's embarrassing" "[CHUCKLES] that I didn't know." "Now, Mrs. Campbell?" "Uh, Jessica is the dearest, most wonderful, kind, good-hearted sister there ever was." "And she didn't do it." "Oh, that's very nice, Mrs. Campbell." "But I think the jury might find your testimony a little partial." "But thank you anyway." "Uh, Mr. Campbell." "Where's Mr. Campbell?" "See that?" "I am invisible." "He doesn't know where I am." "But Burt, he doesn't know who you are." "Uh, there he is." "Mr. Campbell..." "[GIBBERING]" "Hello." "[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]" "Peter was your son." "Do you think your sister-in-law could have killed him?" "Absolutely not." "Good." "Now, he could be a very important witness." "You see the victim's father testifying on behalf of the accused." "Now, what makes you so ce..." "What makes you so certain that your sister-in-law couldn't have killed him?" "One, she has red hair." "I beg your pardon?" "And two, I have never seen her do or say anything suspicious." "Well, Mr. Campbell, I'm sure that the prosecutor would point out to you that she wouldn't do or say anything suspicious with you standing there." "Oh, no, no, no." "She didn't know I was there." "She couldn't see me." "You see, it was while I was invisible." "Oh." "Well, thank you very much, Mr. Campbell." "Terrific." "Invisible?" "Put him on the stand, we might as well throw a bag over her head and tell the squad to fire, right there." "Danny?" "Yeah." "Look, I'll testify." "No, wait, wait." "He can't testify." "Why not?" "I know Aunt Jessica didn't do it." "With the kind of work that you do, how will that look to a jury?" "Aw, come on, it's not gonna make any difference to them." "That won't make any difference, the kind of people you work for?" "Well, for God's sakes, what does he do?" "Work for gangsters?" "Heh." "That's right." "I think your Uncle Chester has a point." "Next, Jodie?" "I don't think I ought to testify." "Why?" "I'm gay." "Oh." "Well, these are more liberal times, Jodie." "I don't think that would matter." "Last month I tried to commit suicide." "A suicidal homosexual?" "You certainly have your hands full." "I'm sorry, Jodie." "Heh." "Next, Chuck." "Where's Chuck?" "Now, Chuck, you are the deceased's brother." "That's right and I'm Bob." "Is there any reason that you can't tes..." "That is, uh, Bob, B-O-B." "Bob, would you please?" "He's talking to me." "Yes, but he's making a big mistake." "Will you just shut up?" "Don't tell me to shut up, you moron." "Don't call me a moron." "Jerk." "Jerk?" "I tell you, I'm not gonna..." "BOB:" "Oh, yeah?" "CHUCK:" "Well, I'm not gonna..." "BOB:" "Shut up." "CHUCK:" "I'm not gonna tell you what you are." "He's talking to a doll." "No, actually, he's arguing with a doll." "Well, that's wonderful." "I have for character witnesses," "Al Capone, Tinker Bell, Punch and Judy and the Invisible Man." "Is there something wrong?" "Jessica, the Campbells have been no help at all." "No help?" "Well, you see, we don't usually have murder suspects among our relatives to help." "You see, we haven't had much practise in helping killers." "Got it?" "Listen, you lunatic!" "What?" "That's all right." "Let him go!" "Let him go!" "You don't have to hold him." "Can't see me now." "Please, please, hold it down." "This is no help to Mrs. Tate." "I mean, she's got all the evidence against her." "It's important that the jury see a very close-knit family." "Now, please, I beg of you, we don't have an awful lot going for us." "Now, the Tate family." "Is there anyone in the Tate family who cannot appear on the witness stand?" "Uh, have you, uh, met the Major?" "No, I haven't." "Major." "Yep?" "This is Mr. Mallu, an attorney." "Glad you're here, adjutant." "It's about time we court-martialled some of these pantywaist mama's boys who go over the hill." "If we shoot a couple of them, it'll set an example for the other men." "[LAUGHS]" "Carry on." "Oh, my God." "Uh, that's, uh, Jessica's father." "MALLU:" "Uh-huh." "Okay." "Eunice?" "Yes." "Uh, is there anything that could damage your testimony?" "No." "Wanna bet?" "Nobody knows." "Knows what?" "I know." "What do you know?" "You're the only one who knows." "I don't know." "If I know, you never know who else knows." "You know, you're right." "I know." "I can't testify." "I know." "How about you?" "What about me?" "How long have you worked for the Tates?" "Forever." "Do you have any secrets?" "Of course I got secrets." "Can you tell me?" "Well, if I told you they wouldn't be secrets." "Could you appear on the stand?" "Mm, yes." "Mm-hm." "Terrific." "Now, Mr. Tate..." "I love it." "A man who leaps on anything with a heartbeat and he can testify?" "[SCOFFS]" "That's enough, Burt." "Ha-ha." "Of course, if he'd been invisible, like me, no one would know." "Heh." "Then, I don't know, I wonder if an invisible man can..." "[MUMBLES]" "Mary, there's something we have to test later on." "[CHUCKLES]" "Uh, Mr. Mallu, mm, uh, I can't testify." "Why not?" "Well, my ex-mistress may report some, uh, illegal stock manipulations to the SEC." "Heh." "Actually, in a few days, I may be needing your help." "I was wondering, do you have family rates?" "[SNICKERS]" "Oh, Benson, please, don't go." "I need you for a witness." "[♪♪♪]" "[MUMBLING]" "Burt, you can't go." "Mary, I gotta go." "Burt, you promise to talk to the doctor?" "It's a bad idea." "I'm in a lot of danger here." "What are you talking about?" "It's Dr. Medlow." "He's your friend." "You know him." "Mary, please, he's a psychiatrist, right?" "Right." "Right." "I said I would come down here." "I thought all I would have to do is just show up and, pfft, become invisible for him." "But I'm..." "I'm getting nervous." "And when I'm nervous, I perspire." "And when I perspire, I get wet." "And when I'm wet, I cannot make myself invisible." "Now, suppose he wants a demonstration, and I can't give it to him?" "Being a psychiatrist, he's gonna say:" ""This guy's a loon." "Let's lock him up."" "Uh-uh." "I got a lot of work to do on my investigation." "I can't take the chance." "It's too risky." "I'm sweaty and I'm leaving." "Burt, you're not invisible." "You cannot make yourself invisible, you have never been invisible, you will never be invisible." "Never, never." "All right, Mary, that's it." "I've had it." "I am gone." "Well, Mr. and Mrs. Campbell, how nice to see you again." "Well, let's see, Mr. Campbell, the last time you were here, you were having some problems with impotency." "Uh, cured." "You know what I mean?" "Oh-hoh-hoh." "Oh, wonderful." "So then, uh, what brings you here?" "Uh, ahem, well, uh, Mary has something that she wants to talk to you about." "MEDLOW:" "Oh, Mrs. Campbell?" "Well, Burt hasn't been himself lately." "In what way isn't he himself, Mrs. Campbell?" "He thinks he's invisible." "He thinks he's invisible?" "MARY:" "Yes." "Uh, darling, show the doctor how you make yourself invisible." "[MOUTHING WORDS]" "Did you do it yet, Burt?" "Have you made yourself invisible?" "Mrs. Campbell, how long have you considered your husband invisible?" "I..." "I..." "I don't consider him to be i-invisible." "He considers himself to be invisible." "And you don't believe it at all?" "No." "Not just a teeny bit perhaps?" "No, no." "Burt." "Burt?" "That's all right, Mrs. Campbell." "Now, you and I can have a nice, quiet talk." "Heh." "Mr. Campbell, are you all right?" "I don't understand that." "Yesterday, I could have walked right through it." "And, you know, it's because I'm wet." "Heh." "Also, you may have a whole different magnetic zone downtown here." "I know, I'll check it out for you." "Don't worry, I can use the doorknob." "See you." "[MUMBLING]" "Oh, my goodness." "He thinks he's invisible." "That's what I've been telling you." "I've never seen that before." "Invisible." "What can be done?" "Well, in the movie, Claude Rains covered himself with a bandage from head to foot, and he wore sunglasses." "Dr. Medlow." "I..." "I'm sorry." "Well, this is an acute, reactive psychosis which we do see." "I suggest we consider putting him into the neuropsychiatric institute for observation." "You mean, put him away?" "Oh, but he's harmless." "He's..." "Well, at the moment, yes." "I don't know." "I don't think..." "Think about it, Mrs. Campbell." "Now, I'll call you tomorrow, but do think about it." "I mean, anyone who entertains the idea that he might be invisible really needs help." "I know." "That's why I came here." "I'll call you tomorrow, Mrs. Campbell." "[RUSTLING]" "Mr. Campbell, is that you?" "[♪♪♪]" "[♪♪♪]" "[DOORBELL RINGS]" "Corinne, I..." "I want to talk to you." "Please, Corinne." "My, this is nice." "It's, uh, light." "Heh." "Uh, how many rooms do you have?" "Look, you didn't come here to sublet the apartment." "Right, I..." "Well, of course not." "I came here to talk." "That's something you had 23 years to do." "That's true but, Corinne, it just wasn't quite that simple." "I..." "Well, you see, Daddy and I decided that we would tell you about your adoption, just as soon as you were old enough to understand." "And, well, w..." "It would have been silly to tell you before then." "Heh." "I mean, easier, but silly." "And, well, when you were old enough," "Daddy and I thought about it and..." "And we decided to wait." "Because, Corinne, it was that exact month that you were having braces put on your teeth, and you were very upset about that." "And you were also terribly upset because you were the first girl in your class to get a bra and the boys were snapping the back of it." "Y-y-you see, Corinne," "Daddy and I just didn't want to upset you anymore that month." "Well, what about the next month?" "Well, you were still upset about your braces." "And after that?" "Pimples." "And then?" "Your first period." "And then?" "[VOICE BREAKING] I was afraid." "Oh, Corinne, I loved you the way I loved all my children." "And I was afraid that if I told you who you were and where your real parents were, you'd leave and go to them." "Which was not too unlikely at the time, Corinne, because you blamed Daddy and me for your braces and your bra and your pimples and your period." "I lived through your drinking shoe polish, and eating a worm." "I made ballerina costumes and baked birthday cakes, and I laughed with you when you dressed the dog in Eunice's clothes." "[GIGGLES]" "And I cried with you when Johnny Carrington left you in the seventh grade for that hussy, Rita Lewis." "Because you were my child." "And you were no less my child than had you come from my womb." "Corinne, love does not come from having shared the same body." "Love comes from having shared a lifetime." "I'm on trial for my life now and I know most people would say that's the most important thing in the world." "But it's not." "The most important thing in the world to me right now is that once I had a little girl, and now she's gone." "I'm going to go now, and I just want you to think about what I said." "Your room is still there." "Well, look who's here, the jailbird." "Ha!" "You have no business to be in my house." "Ma?" "Yes, dear?" "Quiet, Corinne." "You kept my child away from me for 23 years." "For 23 years I couldn't be with my baby, and I want you never to set foot near her again." "I want you to go now." "Twenty-three years?" "Well, you think about that." "Because all I know is that if anyone had taken my baby away from me," "I would have moved heaven and Earth to find her, and it wouldn't have taken 23 years." "Ha!" "Well, heh," "I can just imagine what she told you." "Heh." "It must have been some beautiful story about how she loved you, and how you were her child, and how she loved you just as much as all her other children." "But don't you see, Corinne?" "She had a reason to come here and say all that." "Her high-priced lawyer told her, she mustn't let you testify against her." "Everything she said, Corinne, she said to save her own neck." "She lied, Corinne." "[DOOR CLOSES]" "[♪♪♪]" "[THUNDER RUMBLING]" "[RAIN PATTERING]" "[KNOCK ON DOOR]" "Who is it?" "EUNICE:" "It's me." "I got your message, Walter." "What is it?" "Where's your wife?" "Marilyn's at the hairdresser's." "You won't believe this." "Just look at this." "Oh, adorable, Walter." "You call me over here in the pouring rain to look at your speech?" "It's the wrong envelope." "Here, look at these." "Look at these." "Look at that." "Oh, my God!" "They said they had pictures." "They weren't bluffing." "Oh, my God." "Walter, if anyone ever saw these..." "I..." "I mean, I'm shocked and I'm in them." "They want $50,000, Eunice." "Walter, do I look like that?" "Eunice, come on." "Well, do I?" "Do I look that fat?" "Oh, from that angle, yeah." "Oh, God, I just look awful." "I look like I'm 110 years old." "A man sitting in a tree doesn't take flattering pictures, Eunice." "Well, we have a family photographer, Ben Evans, who's taken gorgeous pictures of me." "Eunice." "What?" "They want $50,000." "[KNOCK ON DOOR]" "Who is it?" "MARILYN:" "It's me." "Oh, my God, it's Marilyn." "Hide." "Uh..." "No, there." "What?" "Who is it?" "MARILYN:" "It's me." "Uh, uh..." "I..." "I didn't order tea." "I ordered coffee." "Take it back." "MARILYN:" "Walter, you jerk, it's Marilyn." "Now, open the damn door." "Uh..." "Right away, dear." "I just have to put this in, uh..." "Uh..." "The briefcase, uh..." "Hi." "What's the matter with you?" "I thought you were at the hairdresser." "He couldn't take me." "It's exactly the way I feel about you sometimes." "Listen, let's have, uh..." "Let's have lunch, huh?" "It's morning, Walter." "Well, let's have breakfast." "I just had some." "Well, I'll have breakfast and you can watch." "Walter, I don't wanna go out." "Where are you going?" "Open the window, get some air in here." "No." "No air." "No, I hate air." "Hey, uh..." "The air here is awful." "This city has the worst air in the world." "Mm-hm." "Then how about some light, Walter?" "No." "No light." "The light's worse than the air f-for my eye condition." "What eye condition?" "Blue." "Uh..." "Blue eyes are very sensitive to light, you know." "So sit in the closet." "Oh, come on, Marilyn." "Oh, my God." "What?" "It's raining." "Whoo." "So what?" "Oh, my God." "Walter." "Are you all right?" "No." "I hate heights." "So don't look down." "What?" "Nothing." "Uh..." "Walter, you just said something." "Oh, I was talking to the pigeons." "I hate pigeons." "They're filthy things." "[KNOCK ON DOOR]" "What?" "MAN:" "Your speech, sir." "What about my speech?" "I'm here to pick it up for the press." "Oh." "Oh, right." "Yeah." "Here it is." "There you go." "Oh, okay." "Here." "Hey, all right." "Yeah." "Heh." "Okay." "Walter, what the hell's the matter with you?" "What are you talking about?" "You're acting so strange, so jumpy." "[CHUCKLES] I am not." "What's this?" "Give me that." "Oh!" "Oh, it's my speech." "Oh, my God." "That means..." "That means that..." "That he got..." "He's got the pictures." "What pictures?" "Publicity pictures." "[THUNDER RUMBLING]" "[GASPS]" "[♪♪♪]" "ANNOUNCER:" "Will Burt be committed or will life continue to be a snap for him?" "Will Corinne go to Jessica or stay with Ingrid?" "What will Corinne do on Mother's Day?" "Will Mallu defend Jessica without character witnesses?" "Or will he put Al Capone, Tinker Bell, and the Invisible Man on the stand?" "Will Eunice get off the ledge?" "Will Congressman McCallam get the pictures back?" "If he doesn't, will Eunice want to get off the ledge?" "These questions and many others will be answered on next week's episode of Soap." "[♪♪♪]" "ANNOUNCER:" "Soap is videotaped in front of a studio audience."