"NIKOS DYZMA'S CAREER" "Death is a certainty, only the hour is unknown, and yours was today at 15:30, on the feast day of our patron, Saint Jadwiga which you celebrated in style." "It is written, "Let him who is without sin cast the first stone."" "So is the policeman who found a blood alcohol level of .40 free of guilt himself?" "No!" "That's why I say, judge not, lest ye be judged." "And though St. Augustine is right when he teaches that we came into this world with nothing and we leave with nothing our beloved deceased takes with him from this world our admiration" "and you, Jadwiga were left a widow on your day." "The feast day of your patron saint." "And so today he says farewell to you and those near and dear." "For him eternal peace and quiet." "You spoke real nice again Nikos." "Shucks, you really know how to move a person." "Shucks, not even a priest and you know the bible real good." "I get it all from a book." "Gents..." "Somebody stole the wreaths." "Did you see who?" "Who can see, when Lummox is almost blind from drinking." "He shovels dirt into the grave without looking, by scent alone." " What do you eat to be so funny?" " I don't, I drink to live long." "people today eat way too much and keep getting fatter." "flatter?" "You're the one who's flat." "This pay's pretty flat, boss." "Chip in." "Geez, WIadek, one of these days I'm going to bury you alive." " Get that bottle from the fridge." " It isn't cold yet." "Let's drink it anyway." " I don't like warm vodka." " So buy yourself a freezer." ""You earn money only on weekdays, but you lose a week," it's written." "By the debt collector." "I wish something would happen so I wouldn't have to drink warm vodka." "Drinking already?" "Who told you to knock-off?" "Who said it was quitting time?" " Why, did somebody die?" " A customer died." "He has to be put in the hearse and brought to the chapel." "Who's going to drive the hearse if you're all drunk on your asses?" "How many times have I told you gentlemen don't drink before noon?" "Who's drunk on his ass?" "!" "We're just on the first bottle, and what cop's going to stop a hearse?" "Hit the road, the widow's leaving." " Lewandowski?" " He just left." " When's he coming back?" " Never." "Sign for this." "Pour one for him too." "Cheers..." " Aren't you drinking?" " It's warm again." "Life is shitty and so is warm vodka." "But the guy we just buried knew how to live." "How do you know?" "Did he tell you?" "Listen to this class act." "His excellency Ambassador don Juan carlos AIameida aguilera invites you to a banquet at the CoreIIego palace" "Eveningwear." "RSVP..." "I don't understand a thing you said." "Let me see..." "A genuine invitation." "What'd you do, steal it?" "Signed for it." "Grab a tux and enjoy the party." "Me?" "Are you worse than some don Juan?" "At least you'II have cold vodka." "You pronounce that like the lover." "cold?" "Wait..." "hold on..." "Okay." "Watch where the hell you're going, goddamn it!" "Sorry, I'm dashing..." "What?" "!" "Let's go, Mr. vice-premier." "They let shitkickers like that in here!" "Watch it there, ma'am." "Permit me to have a drink with you." "You certainly put Terkowski in his place; he deserved it!" "A brute!" "A total brute, you're right." "He's squashed others to succeed." "Since he became vice-premier, he's forgotten all his old friends!" " Vice-premier?" " In charge of privatization." "Best place to line your pockets!" "But you sure told him off!" "You cured him of his arrogance like the best doctor!" " The name's Graczyk." " Dyzma, Nikodem." "Meet doctor Nikodem Dyzma." "Minister Jaszunski..." "I heard you take care of Terkowski." "So you're a doctor?" "No way..." "So, a doctor in economics!" "The smartest profession these days." "If I were an economist I'd have been Premier instead of Minister of agriculture." "Everyone's talking about you!" "Hero of the evening!" "And Terkowski?" "Zero raised to any power is zero." "We know that from math." "Terkowski's a prick." "A shame the salad was wasted." "well said, Iike a real man!" "Terkowski...a prick...!" "A shame to waste...the salad!" " What are you laughing at?" " allow me to introduce..." "My friend, doctor Dyzma." "Senator WaIewska..." "Dyzma." "You know what he said?" "Terkowski but a shame to waste salad." "I heard, the hero of the evening." "Give me a call." "Wednesday is best, after 7:20." "You simply must tell me about yourself." "She likes you." "Don't forget to call her!" "She's a vindictive bitch!" "She runs the Senate Foreign relations Committee!" "I won't forget." "I need to get some air." "Wait for me here!" "Boss!" "Everyone hold on, I'II be right back!" "Are you going to puke?" "You know, barf." "Because if you want to barf, I'II hold your jacket." "I guess not..." "I didn't eat the salad." "Then I have a proposition for you." "My card;" "I have my own company, which is doing very well." " Roman KIinski." " Descendant of that Jan..." "I'd Iike to have you on my Board of Directors." " What would I do there?" " You'd advise me." "I need things from the ministries and you'd know how to get them." " Me?" " Stop kidding!" "I saw you kissing and hugging a couple of ministers." "The lady senator almost ate you and you stuck it to the vice- premier like he was an old bitch." "So who'II help me if not you?" "What do you say, shake?" "totally wasted." "Shit, why are you hesitating?" "You have a better option." "What good are you?" "You go to a banquet and get drunk but don't even bring your buddies a beer." "So get your ass over to that businessman and get some cash." "Winter's coming and Lummox doesn't even have a coat." "Or shoes!" "But he wants something from me;" "all I do is give eulogies." "I don't give a rat's ass." "Just get us some cash!" "Or don't show yourself alive again at the cemetery." "Goddamn it, WaIdek!" "What happened to you?" "...and let us never forget about this marvelous person" "who made it possible for us to bear the burden of our own existence..." "Geez, what a load of bullshit!" "And the emptiness that remains and it's aII-embac...embracing..." "Quiet!" "Shut up yourself." "Good morning." "The name's Dyzma." "I have an appointment." "Romek..." "There's some red-headed guy here to see you." "I'm so happy you're here." "What would you Iike to drink, Cognac, whiskey, gin, wine?" "A gentleman doesn't drink before noon..." "You don't say?" "I never knew." "Whiskey then?" "It's 18 years old." "I guess you don't like it." "It's a bit too old." "You're right, I also like them younger than 18." "Let me show you the plant." "The whole fucking thing is mine!" "You know what I started from?" "Just what I was thinking..." " From nothing?" " How'd you know?" "Somebody told you?" "Don't believe a word you hear!" "What do you make here, glue?" "Food." "Do you want to die?" " You said it was food." " But not to eat." " It's a thickener." " To make food thicker?" "That's what I sell." " I need you." " You make this out of people?" "Funny man!" "You're just what I need, a siIver-tongued jokester." "Take a look at me..." "Who do you see?" "I see you." "I'II tell you who you see, a redneck, a real shitkicker." " You know how far I got in school?" " Fifth grade?" "Now you're making fun of me." "Eighth." "And good at that." "My mother drank, my father drank, my uncle drank, everybody drank." " How could I grow up right?" " You couldn't." " But I did." " A miracle." " Where were you Christmas eve '83?" " I don't remember." "Feeding your face with carp, while I was standing at the Pewex shop." "And in 1984, 1985, all those years, no matter the weather... to give people what they needed." "And you know what?" "No gratitude!" "No fucking gratitude!" "Idiots get statues, but they won't give me a little piece of paper." "One fucking VAT tax exemption." "Of course I wanted to pay." "I know there's no free lunch." "But they think my money's dirty." "Because I'm not one of them." "But you, doctor, are another story." "This is for basic expenses." "I know it's a good investment." "This is for consultation." "well then, doctor, could I ask you for a small favor?" "Geez, you bet." "Something's not right." "This guy gives me a pile of dough." "There are lucky guys, and things like that happen to them." "They find a wallet in the street, an uncle in the USA dies but I've never had any luck." "When I smuggled jeans to Russia, they threw me in the can in Lwow." "Me alone, out of millions." "The Germans wanted me to smoke 20,000 cigarettes on the border." "I passed out after the fifth pack." "The only profiteer in neighborhood caught during martial law was me." "I was dealing toilet paper then." "AII my Iife it's been an uphill struggle." "You never looked this good alive." "What have I got to lose?" "hello..." "I'm not shouting." "This is Dyzma, Nikos." "That's very nice." "You're kind as hell to say that." "Yes ma'am." "I've been waiting three days for you to call." " You naughty boy!" " I didn't realize..." "tell me later..." "Why are you jumping me?" "Who am I supposed to jump?" "Not so impetuously..." "Not so roughly..." "But I was being gentle." "Who taught you to jump on women like this?" "..." "In the scripture it is written:" ""Enter and fill her with your seed and then wash your flesh for it is unclean." "That's an out-of-date translation..." "An oversight, but an unpardonable one." "fortunately, the senator called." "I personally reviewed the documents and as I see it, Mr. KiIinski's firm meets all the criteria and thus is exempt from VAT tax and is due a refund of taxes paid." "I've issued a written order to that effect." "Such an oversight..." "I'm not the vindictive type." "Here is the original." "This is yours." "Your office." "I know there are better, but this is just temporary." "Next week you'II have a Jacuzzi and a marbIe-tiIed bathroom so you'II have humane conditions for dictating to your secretary." "I'm supposed to work here?" "God forbid!" "oxen work." "Economists sit and think and make one swift move like you did yesterday for me..." "I've been trying for two years, and you did it in one fell swoop." "Done in 2 days." "Did you work hard?" "A bit, but it was pleasant work." "pleasant work and nice pay." "So will you stay on as Chairman of the Board?" "80,000 to start." "How much?" "You're right...100." "100 thousand?" "!" "..." "I know you've already calculated" "I'II get back 4 million." "110?" "plus a car and expense account." "AII right?" "I'm not hard to please." "That's the way!" "A toast to friendship?" " Romek." " Warm..." "Zosia!" "I'm going to fucking fire somebody." "Who brought warm vodka?" " But you Iike it warm." " Starting today I don't!" "My partners, personnel department, security service, the Szajkowskis." "Nikodem, euIogy readings." "Didn't I tell you he's a real card." "A regular guy." "fraternal twins." "Today is a great day!" "The doctor arranged a tax exemption and was named Chairman." "Now the mob can suck my..." "Pick a color." "Go ahead." "I don't know..." "Don't be fussy, they have documents as good as originals." "I can't drive." "Cops took it?" "I'II have them give it back." "I never needed one." "I'II get you a driver too." " Now, to the cemetery." " Let's buy a wreath." "They'II just steal it." "What's up, Nikos?" "Why are you all fucking dressed up like an ostrich on Corpus Christi?" "The funeral's not till tomorrow." "Did you fuck up the dates, moron?" "I didn't fuck anything up." "You're the one who's a moron." "You came here to tell me that?" "That's right!" "Anything else?" "You bet!" "What?" "Fuck you." "Oh yeah?" "You're the biggest asshole, dipstick, chump I know." "You're even dumber than Lummox." "So fuck you, shithead!" "You're fired." "bullshit!" "I quit!" "Wait!" "Stop!" "There's a funeral tomorrow!" "please, you have to say the eulogy!" "Why?" "Because everybody has a right to be happy." "How much do you know about cars?" "On a scale of 1 to 10." "One." "Fine, this is a car, steering wheel, pedals, radio..." "Let's go." "Sorry, motion sickness." " How much?" " You got them all." "How much does a license cost?" "AII right!" "I don't give a shit." "Here we go..." "hello, is this the help line?" "I have this problem..." "No, I'm not planning a suicide." "That is, I haven't decided yet." "If you answer a few questions, maybe I won't kill myself." "My name's Winnie the Pooh and I Iive in the 100-acre wood." "You ask stupid questions, I give stupid answers." "I don't have an alcohol problem." "What's that?" "No, I'm sure I don't have that." "I don't have time for this shit!" "Are you going to tell me, or not?" "First, about depreciation." "So go find an economist!" "I'II wait...or I'II hang myself." "I'II hang myself when I want, not when you tell me to." "Same to you, you fat bitch!" "talk about callous." "well?" "It's more difficult than I thought." "That much I knew." "will they get us out of the market?" "Considering Iong-term trends and changes in depreciation to net profits..." "Quit buIIshitting like BaIcerowicz." "talk like a normal person." "If German thickener is half the price of mine and they're not making it out of garbage..." "German?" "Didn't you read the receipts?" "I hadn't actually got to them yet." "Some smart-ass figured out that instead of buying my thickener he'd import German stuff that's half the price." "So you didn't need the exemption?" "You want the money back?" "Fuck no, you earned it." "But now you've got to help me." "It just can't be that a polish businessman has to fight the Teutonic Knights again." "The Americans pumped money into Germany for 40 years" "Russia gave us Marx and Lenin." "How the fuck can I compete?" "Many questions but few answers." "It ought to be good for everyone." "exactly." "Good will be if they slap such a duty on German thickener that nobody will fucking buy it and we'II protect a polish product." "Otherwise we're dead meat." "See there, we got to "C"." "But first I'II make canapes" "Because "C" is a tough one." "well then:" "first Cracow style, then cock, and then the hardest" "Cossack style." "Maybe we'II get to Z by spring." "No man's ever taken me that far." " It may not work with me, either." " What are you saying, my rooster?" "I've got problems..." "I may be bankrupt by spring..." "That's why you have a little hen, who'II peck away your problems." "I have an appointment with Minister Jaszunski." " Your name?" " Dyzma." "hello!" "Where did you disappear to?" "It's not nice to snub your friends." " A small cognac?" " No, thanks." "I support poland's vodka industry." "Cognac gives me headaches." "I understand you 100%." "But here we can't serve vodka." "A decree from the Premier." "Vodka breath is not ministerial." "But please sit down." "Nothing can take the place of a good face-to-face talk." "How are things in the Senate, going smoothly or a total fuck-up?" "Who really knows?" "still the same." "Skowron still nipping ankles?" "The mutt's still biting." "That's a good word for him, a mutt, he's had his ass kicked by both." "will bring order, but you must know one thing... if the coalition fails apart in the Senate Committee it'II go to hell here too." "We'II have to turn the other cheek, as they say" "Ms Senator says we already have and all we can do now is put out." "That's our senator..." "Known each other long?" "Quite long." "We were together in the resistance." "What a beautiful time that was." "This was way before you, so I can tell you I got to "M"." "Then my heart gave out." "The heart is not a servant." "You have a sense of humor." "I can also laugh at my past." "Our youth was not an easy one, but it paid off." "What were you doing then?" "When?" "After 1980." "I traveled, to Germany, to Russia, did time in Lwow for smuggling." "I heard about this guy who smuggled mimeograph machines to the Ukrainians." "Even more pleased to know you." "The delegation?" "..." "Big deal." "I'm in an important meeting." "Once again we have to treat Russians like royalty." "If they don't buy any sugar, I'II have to close two refineries down." "The bastards pretend to loosen up, yet here they hang tough." "I don't want to interrupt." "absolutely not..." "Anna mentioned something about that thickener and saving polish food processing, but I can't levy new tariffs myself." "That's up to the government but the European Commission would fuck us over royally." "Is this thickener an important matter for our society?" "Very important." "Protective tariffs won't pass, but I have an idea." "I'II have to work something out." "Give me a couple of days." "Right now I've got a problem with excess sugar nobody's buying." "Why don't you come around next weekend for a little party for friends with vodka, a bit of hunting, you know, maIe-bonding stuff." "Tired?" "I can't go on, I'm not a rabbit." "Let's try the tomato position." "Tomato?" "How's that?" "We'II lie there with our bums touching." "Interesting, but I don't have the strength!" "Take this." "Viagra?" "will I be able to stand this?" "Don't worry, it'II stand." "I fucking love you, Nikos..." "Want to get married?" ""Given the foot and mouth epidemic raging in certain countries the Ministry of agriculture is introducing a ban on the import of foodstuffs derived from animal sources including gelatin, canned beef, and food thickening agents."" "Nikos, we're alive, goddamn it." "We're fucking alive!" "We're alive, Romek." "This cost you, didn't it?" "This must have cost you an arm and a leg." "He did it as a favor for a friend." "These days even your wife won't let you fuck her as a favor." "He didn't want anything now but one day he'II come calling." "He deserves to get something." "He's got a big problem with sugar on his mind right now." "They produced too much and nobody wants to buy it." "Sugar?" "..." "Morons!" "What sort of problem is that?" "They buy the sugar from the refinery and warehouse it." "In a year or two, when prices rise, they'II sell it at a profit." "But where to store it?" "They'd have to build warehouses." "Why the fuck build anything?" "They buy it from the refinery, but the refinery stores it on site." "But they need money to buy it, and Jaszunski says they don't have any because of some budget shortfall..." "So they pay with government bonds." "It's win-win for both sides." "The refineries have no choice and the state will pay if they go bust." "It's simple for you, and they should've figured it out too." "If they had any fucking brains!" "Look, Nikos just listen to this simple businessman from Lodz." "Oh doctor, I'd Iike to introduce my wife." "Mr. Dyzma, a friend from when we were in the opposition." "finally, somebody young." "I'd always thought a bunch of old farts started your revolution." "When we started it, you hadn't even been born yet!" "Do you Iike hunting?" "Because they're all going hunting before dawn." "I wouldn't kill a fly." "Good, when they go off to the woods, you're coming with me." "Nikos, come let me introduce you to my colleagues." "people are talking about you..." "gentlemen..." "My friend doctor Nikodem Dyzma." "How are you?" "!" "...Vice-marshaI Gradowski..." "Our senator..." "Minister KropieI..." "special Services." "After your little row, Terkowski's been keeping a Iow profile." "He didn't even attend Tuesday's meeting of the Cabinet." "Oh, that's water under the bridge." "How about a little drink, gents?" " Whisky?" " That's perfume;" "I prefer vodka." "He's right!" "I'II have vodka too." "Bravo, we all hate this swill, but everyone's ashamed to admit it." "But Dyzma doesn't give a shit about etiquette, and bully for him!" "Give me a vodka as well." "I don't give a shit either!" "Right!" "Something to munch on?" "I don't need any of that." "Make yourself at home, Nikodem." "Here's the bar..." "On wheels." "You mentioned troubles with sugar." "I've thought about it a bit." "There's a way out." "Buy the sugar, but have the refineries store it." "Pay for it with bonds." "When demand goes up, you'II be able to sell it." "Interesting..." "unprofitable, the bonds would have to pay higher interest..." "But if the refineries go belly up, the government will bear the cost." "We'II have to redeem the bonds in 2 years;" "what if demand doesn't rise?" "By then the opposition will be in power and it'II be their problem." "An excellent idea." "Can we present it together?" "Of course." "Cigar?" "Montecristo Habana." "This isn't ours." "You'd prefer ours?" "I prefer everything that's polish." "problem is, the only good thing we have are polish girls." "Even our vodka isn't." "The best brand." "Don't like it?" "I don't know what it is but I can't take foreign things." "After all, every pole has a polish constitution." "well said." "I Iike that." "Concise and forceful!" "I Iike you very much." "gentlemen?" "Dinner is served!" "After dinner, we'II change clothes and go to the forest." "No flirting!" "Take the stew to the barn!" "And put two cases of vodka on ice." "Hurry up now!" "I'm so glad you don't hunt." "You're so different." "The girls asked about you and I promised I'd introduce you." "They're getting very excited, even horny I'd say." "Maybe I should be jealous, after all you are our guest." "But where did he find you?" "AII his friends are so boring!" "You're a young, famous economist;" "better than BaIcerowicz, they say." "You have a great future ahead of you." "Thanks, I always end up hungry at parties." "By the time I get round to eating, they've cleared the tables." "Who'd Iike an unfiltered AIbanian?" "They go best with vodka." "Like our "Sporty" used to." "Like the old days." "I hope you're not going to say the "good" old days." "The good days were when we were young." "Remember the smells and the colors?" "You must be thinking of the color of the parade banners." "Oh bullshit." "Nobody's going to tell me that cola is better than our old orangeade." "That was shit, plain, carbonated water with artificial color." "It fucked up your liver worse than 30 years of drinking vodka." "They made us drink it so we wouldn't live to see retirement." "What the fuck has gotten into you?" "What do you think about all this?" "Did you graduate under Communism?" "No one can take away all the trouble we once caused." "I was poor, Iike everyone." "Tough luck." "Now, so much affluence around, and I'm still poor." "You're full of shit, but I Iike you anyway." "But you know, doctor there's a Iot of sense in what you're saying." "You, shut the fuck up." "You weren't poor at all!" "Is that any way to speak to a minister?" "Who was the dormitory stooIie?" "Who bought others with bubble gum?" "You're drunk!" " Watch your fucking mouth." " What the fuck will you do?" "Shoot me?" "You can't even shoot and you're special Services Minister." "I studied foreign trade, now I'm head of the Customs Service." "Ashamed of my qualifications?" "Who's in charge of the army?" "A Phys." "Ed. teacher!" "Who's Minister of the Treasury?" "A mechanic!" "Who heads up health?" "A dentist!" "while I speak 3 languages, perfect Romanian, and end up in Customs!" "Friends..." "I'II be premier one day." "Weren't you Transportation Minister?" "The trains got all fucked up when you reformed the timetables." "One more round." "I can't hit shit when I'm sober, but I never miss when I'm drunk." "Don't worry, word is you'II be named Minister of culture." "Fuck that!" "That's a dead end position." "It should be quite a pleasant one once we're in the European Union." "Ministry of the culturally Disadvantaged." "When I add everything up I always end up saying that what I miss the most are colorful fairs and cheap tin watches..." "Wait here doctor while I get you a drink." "This is incredible, I'm sure it'II knock you for a loop." "It's made with tropical fruit." "Last week, a certain minister went totally out of his mind." "But I've had a Iot to drink today." "You deigned to visit our club?" "What club?" "Our sports club, "21"." "The oldest one here is 28." "The youngest of our husbands is 49." "The generation gap is 21 ." "We're all interested in sports." "Diving, recreation, that's why we formed this club." "But we could use a new trainer." "I'm no good at sports." "I've always been sickly." "But I was always a great fan." "You've got him, don't you?" "I can't be a trainer." "I'm the lifeguard." "What's going on?" "Give those hemorrhoids a rest, pal." "I'm waiting for an important phone call." "Yes sir, I understand." "I'II be there." "You can do it, Nikos." "poland is counting on you." "What is it?" "Zosia" "I'm leaving." "Remember that idea of buying the sugar from the refineries?" "Sure..." "well it worked...and how!" "Romek!" ""polish Sugar," a new state agency is formally being created today." "I am pleased to appoint doctor Nikodem Dyzma as its director." "congratulations and I hope that this nomination will bring new opportunities for poland's sugar producers." "I won't try to disappoint you." "I'm glad to hear that." "We'II be working together, so drop by whenever you feel like it." "My wife, Jadzia, likes you too." "My sincerest congratulations." "Nikos, Nikos..." "congratulations." "congratulations, I really mean it." "well it's time to get to work and start your background check." "Background check?" "AII officials have it done." "We've all been through it." "You have nothing to fear." "Your conscience is clear." "practically unused." "Good morning, director, allow me to introduce myself." "Porazinski, KIemens." "I'II be your assistant." "Miss Wanda will be your secretary." "Let's go to the conference room, the reporters are waiting." "I've come here to save polish sugar." "I'm a little nervous. even though I've often spoken in public." "As a child I was brought up so that everything polish always tasted good to me because it's best for us, our bodies are best adapted for it." "Everything else is harmful to us." "The best proof is that polish willow trees wither in India and our polish composer, Chopin, died of consumption in France." "I myself get ill after cognac, but polish vodka always tastes good." "I hope it does to you too." "Office..." "You told them what they wanted to hear." "It's true what they say, you have the instincts of a politician." "It's no surprise that both radio and television was here." "AII right!" "What now?" "We're going to your new house." "The living room, office... bedroom..." "welcome to your official residence, from the Secret Service staff." "Introducing me, Frania, the gardener and the Secret Service, your closest co-workers." "This way please..." "Pond, bridge, fish and garden." "billiard room all set." "Sir, the acceptance protocol." "How about a game?" "But get me some different cues." "I have plenty, I want you to have plenty too!" "AII right!" " Where do you want this?" " Is there a Iot of it?" " Another 50 cases." " Open the morgue." " There must be 500 liters!" " 500 liters for the two of us!" "That's a year's worth!" "It's you." "Not here..." " Why didn't you come to the house?" " You said it was urgent..." "But not here, our business is not of a business nature." "exactly, unfortunately." "Now we are also officially a team." "I think it will be awkward for us to continue seeing each other at Ieast at the start of my work at the Agency." "Are you nuts?" "What sort of nonsense is that?" "It'II be best that way, really." "Wait a minute." "Are you switching parties, director?" "Of course not, I must temporarily refrain from voting, is all." "In that case, I Iook forward to your call." "He hit me..." "Nikos!" "It's been a Iong time, for God's sake." " Hey man, you got a new car." " It came with the job." "help, police!" "Robbery!" "relax, these boys are old friends." "I'm into car theft now, but I didn't know it was you." "It's for two Russian clients." "You're not pissed off, are you?" "Give us a kiss, then." "I'm glad you're here" "I need your help." "Anything you need." "You in tight with the police?" "Those dogs?" "What a question!" "I might as well be a breeder" "I've got so many on the take." "The important ones too?" "Look, I don't want to brag, but the President's pardoned me 3 times." "What about from the previous regime?" "Secret police people?" "Sure, whoever you want." "Someone who can move mountains, that's who I need." "Major Borewicz?" "Let's say." "It's about fabricating a dossier for me." "It must say I fought for democracy that I smuggled printing paper to Ukraine that I suffered for my steadfast beliefs." "And that you guys imprisoned me you, or the Russians." "And that you tried to recruit me as a spy, but I wouldn't do it." "shall I repeat it?" "I must be dreaming." "A file like that these days?" " You're a politician?" " Let's say." "If you're counting on making a career, it'd be better to burn a file like that, if it existed." "My career's not for political achievements;" "I'm an expert." "I need a dossier because someone did burn mine not long ago." "If you weren't a friend of the "S" brothers, I'd think you were weird." "people come to me to clean up their files not create new ones." "This is a special order." "The fee is special too." "My daughter's getting married." "congratulations." "To some penniless guy, and they don't have a place to live." "They do now." "I'II buy them the furniture too." "Good." "Just in case, I had nothing to do with this." "Me neither." "Oh you..." "Mr. Porazinski..." "Have him come in." "Good morning." "How are we feeling today?" "So so." "What's up?" "Most important is the matter of opening our bank account." "The subsidies will be sent directly to the account we specify." "I took the liberty of presenting you with several options to choose from." "They are described in detail in the papers I Ieft on your desk." "My desk?" "Yes sir." "Mr. Porazinski!" "I respect you, but we have to get some things straight between us." "I can't work this hard." "If I had to read everything, I wouldn't have time to take a piss." "I trust you, don't I?" "well then, go ahead and trust yourself." "Take on some of the responsibility for running the Agency." "Everything will be fine." "Take care of that bank, Okay?" "Anything else?" "Is it safe?" "Very." "Tea?" "Let's skip the small talk." "I don't need it; it needs to be given to others." "Sure, but I thought you wanted to see who you are." "I know who I am." "Now they have to find out." "There aren't any surprises in there?" "As we agreed: educated in the USA, prison in Lwow, a solidarity hero." "Witnesses are arranged too." "Very, very impressive." "I don't have to write poetry in english, just sound good." "And I need to understand a little." "If someone insults me, I need to know when to punch his lights out." "And vice versa," "I want to know when a woman's coming on to me." "AII that in two months, just like in the advertisement." "There are limits to human perception." "So you play people for suckers with that ad of yours?" "No, no." "It's just that people absorb information at different rates." "I'm a quick study." "Now me?" "How?" "Let's try something easier." "That's the easiest." "I'm already getting tongue-tied." "Can't we do it normally?" "You're the one who wanted to Iearn." "Wanted, shmanted..." "I have to." "Go on." "I know, that's a baII-point pen..." " ...made by "Red."" " No." "Don't repeat it, I grasp concepts right away." "Mr. Porazinski." "Thank you, sir..." "What's new?" "This is bullshit!" "Who's going to believe I was a gravedigger?" "!" "I know it's nonsense, but who's behind it?" "There's no shortage of idiots in this world." "Somebody doesn't like you." "The editor called me..." "luckily it's the Commie paper and not one of the tabloids." "And listen to this pseudonym" "WIadeczek." "I couId kill you!" "If not for you, I would've drowned." "See there, moron!" "But you write such shit about me." "What shit?" "I wanted to write your biography." "What is it you want?" "For all people to be equal." "Downtrodden people of the earth, rise up..." "specifically?" "I saw you on television." "Me and Lummox." " Are you nuts, on television?" " How are things going for you?" "Pretty good, huh?" "Forgotten about your old buddies." "Fuck you." "I've forgotten?" "How'd you get so drunk, shithead?" "That's my vodka you're drinking." "Okay, you gave the vodka." "But I have ambitions." "Like in that Chinese fairy tale." "Give a poor man a fish, he'II eat it and soon be hungry again." "But give him vodka... a fishing rod, and he'II catch his own fish." "You want vodka or fishing gear?" "I don't do rods and reels." "You're a real redneck, but you've got a good heart." "You've got a pretty good job." "Arrange something for me too." "I have ambitions, not Iike Lummox." "Do you realize how much you'II be able to do now?" "More than some jerk-off minister." "They can stick it now." "How much are they paying you?" "6 000,00?" "well, the homeland's really going all out!" "Do you get an allowance for cigarettes?" "Reduced bus fare?" "This is about service and honor." "You know what..." "Honor in front, bare ass behind; if I didn't know you, I'd believe it!" "But I won't let you die there." "I wanted to thank you for your help." "I know two positions would be a conflict of interest." "But remember, there's a cash-fiIIed envelope waiting for you here." "I'd Iike it to be honest..." "Of course..." "No one will find out." "I don't want you to pay me, just give my friend a job." "Pretty smart, formally everything is his, and we're clean." " Where is he?" " Waiting." "Fuck it Zosia, is someone there?" "Send him in." "A friend from college?" "From the same class." "Sit down." "Jan WaIdeczek." "Businessman." "What a fucked up way to make a living." "Everyone with brains got out a Iong time ago." "Pusiek, cashed in his chips 2 years ago and retired to the tropics." "Or Jojo, bought a refinery in israel, where they call him Rabbi." "Rabbi Jojo." "while I, Iike a fucking idiot, sit here building polish capitalism." "Patriot - idiot!" "Are you also a patriot?" "I Iove the people's homeland." "An old school patriot!" "Here's the deal." "I'm into shoes now." "italian." "beautiful leather." "The company that buys the shoes now belongs to Mr. WIadeczek." "What's the problem here?" "The farmers brought the sugar they were contracted for." "Contracted for..." "That the refinery ordered from them a year ago and ought to buy now." "But they can't buy it, because they spent the money last year and are nearly bankrupt." "Didn't they sell last year's?" "It was too expensive." "Imported sugar was cheaper." "So, Iet them lower the price." "They sold it cheaper, but weren't paid, and that's why they're broke." "So let them buy the cheaper foreign sugar and exchange it for the expensive domestic stuff and sell it abroad..." "What the fuck am I saying?" "!" "well we've really stepped in it..." "people!" "Quiet!" "Quiet!" "Look here!" "These aren't the hands of an office jockey, they've worked hard!" "Give me that soapbox!" "My name's Dyzma and I agreed to be director to help people like you!" "people just like me!" "Those gents in their offices think we'II let them treat us like sheep." "But I say to them, never!" "Because we are the salt in the wound of this earth." "Because the bible says, "An eye for an eye, tooth for tooth..."" "And that's the honest payment we're going to demand for your sugar!" "Long live the director savior of poland's farms." "How was it?" "brilliant, as usual, telling them what they wanted to hear." "Most importantly, they agreed to move the payment deadline back." "Now I'm waiting for money from you." "Money?" "If they manage to print them, we'II pay in bonds." "That's the reason our agency exists." "But I've got a subsidy all arranged!" "Minister Jaszunski allocated 6 million last spring and even sent the first payment." "but the whole thing went to the minister, as arranged." "But I was supposed to pay the farmers from the next payments!" "Went back to the minister?" "You returned it to him?" "No, to an account in Luxemburg, as usual!" "For what?" "Cheaper foreign sugar?" "I won't allow buying abroad." "That's full of shit." "You described that very well." "We'II discuss it on the way back." "well then, all taken care of..." "After the management meeting, director Dyzma the person chosen by the premier to save poland's sugar industry successfully headed off a conflict." "By what means?" "We're going to protect polish sugar and fight foreign competition." "They say the money from the Ministry goes to a Luxemburg bank." "We won't tolerate such fraud." "I, as director, can assure you." "Excuse us we have a meeting with the premier." "Wasn't that a bit hasty?" "You got upset because the matter is indeed shocking but taking a bribe is a very serious accusation..." "hold on a minute..." "What are you trying to say?" "Who accused anyone of bribery?" "I certainly didn't!" "According to the proverb, it's not about giving the poor man a fish it's about giving him a rod so he can catch his own fish." "That's why we must support polish sugar, support all that is ours and give poles vodka..." "fishing gear." "In his presentation, Director Dyzma calmed down the angry planters by promising to protect polish farmers and their livelihoods." "Dyzma convinced everyone that he means business and is tackling problems in the sugar industry when in an interview he told us that payments from refineries go to the Minister of agriculture's private bank account in Luxemburg." "They say the money from the Ministry goes to a Luxemburg bank." "We won't tolerate such fraud." "I, as director, can assure you." "Jesus Christ..." "My husband's a real rat." "He told me to meet with you..." "He wants me to find out what you're up to." "Are you accusing him on TV for money, or to destroy the coalition?" "tell him anything you want." "I don't give a shit about him." "Our life wasn't to be like this." "Before I met him" "I lived in a tiny village where the bus came once a day." "My folks had two hectares and a cow while I wore mom's hand me downs." "One day showed up in his limousine;" "he'd lost his way and he stopped to ask directions." "I was feeding the geese." "He was Minister of health then and didn't know a duck from a goose." "He asked about my ducks, I laughed and he said I had a pretty smile." "He said I couId keep feeding those ducks or go with him." "If I'd stayed, I'd probably have two kids by now and a husband who was a drunk." "Here, I'm a free woman;" "I've gotten used to being a minister's wife, although it does have its bad side once they get power, they become impotent." "I'm only 24, and it's the same with all my girlfriends." "Not only wives, but lovers too." "So weird, not able to bang a lover!" "They say authority takes power out of your balls." "so don't get into politics..." "Eat something before it gets cold..." "I always eat it when it's cold." "I invited you here because we in the special Services are always aware of wiretaps." "I have good news." "Our people have found your dossier." "really?" "well, well." "They'd tried to deep six it, but we got hold of a person..." "I don't need to explain our operational methods." "But you're clean as a whistle." "I'II go even further." "You have a file that even I'm jealous of." "Give me a club, Romek..." "I can't figure out how it is that we hadn't met earlier." "I was like, totally underground." "exactly." "Have you read today's papers?" " No." " Maciek, paper!" "You're number 3 in the ranking of most-popuIar politicians." "Ahead of NieIot, even." "That's why we want to talk to you." "Listen... you've got to work with the coalition on things like Jaszunski." "I understand that sometimes things get a bit out of hand but in politics, teamwork is what counts, not individual players." "Jaszunski hasn't responded, so we can sacrifice him." "But remember, the premier likes to be the first to know." "That's why he's called "Premier."" "This is a serious accusation and the prosecutor is investigating..." "The accusations are baseless." "There is no account in Luxemburg." "He's lying." "WouIdn't you?" "This is nonsense; we'II wait for the results of the investigation which will prove my innocence." "In light of these charges, do you plan to resign?" "Now you've hurt my polish pride." "A pole never resigns." "He mans his post till the end!" "We're going to have to cut him loose." "When I was interned" "I was given unsweetened tea." "Even if these charges were proven then I deserve compensation for 20 years of bitter tea." "That Dyzma..." "It's hard to trust him." "He's a political troubIemaker." "What's he got against Jaszunski?" "Attacking a person, without reason?" "He has a reason, sir." "political?" "personal, fortunately; he's having an affair with his wife." "That's something else." "We'II, you've reassured me." "welcome to another political "Free Ring" program where guests comment on recent social and political events." "Today's first story is the Nikodem Dyzma phenomenon." "I brought you something to drink." "I always dreamed there'd be cold vodka when I felt like a drink." "But I never dreamed someone would be bringing it to me." "Oh, how sentimental!" "I think I'II have a drink too." "Tonight in the studio we're talking to his supporters and opponents." "Vice-Premier Maciej Terkowski..." "Good evening." "Chairman, SIawomir Trendowaty and Director Graczyk." "typical here-today, gone-tomorrow politician." "Dyzma will disappear from the scene as quickly as he appeared." "He's empty as fluff, with no knowledge or political backing." "That arrogant fucking asshole!" "How's this country supposed to be normal with jerks like him?" "I don't agree, Mr. Dyzma has political backing in our party." "The Vice-Premier's opinion is more a negative personal one than an objective appraisal." "I protest against such statements." "They are biased remarks as Mr. Dyzma isn't liked by traitors to poland as he defends all that is polish including our farmers and workers." "Mr. Dyzma will always have a place on our ballot second place." "The government says it can't raise duties on cheaper grain or food but it's not Iike that at all." "Let them scream overseas, but during that time" "polish farmers will breathe easier and poles will be convinced that" "polish means better, healthier, and tastier!" "finally a guy with balls, not some Iimp-dick." "They'II bust his ass like they've done to other decent types." "Not like that, idiot!" "You'II end up killing them." "Haven't you ever fed swans?" "What'd you do when you were young?" "I studied." "I mean really young." "Same thing; music school, english, swimming, Young Economists club." " Did you play ball?" " Water..." "Must've been heavy as hell." "I used one pumped with air." "Maybe we should get back?" "Let's talk here we in the special Services are always aware of wiretaps." "When you talk like that, does it mean a good mood, or bad?" "Haven't you figured that out yet?" "Why'd you even go to Oxford?" "When I Iook at you." "I ask myself the same thing." "Good, maybe you'II finally learn something from me." "Because your generation is neither here nor there." "AII you care about is money." "We used to eat beets, but we had the big beat, rock 'n roll." "At your age I had hair down to here..." "The priest said cut it, but I..." "Is there something you want for me, or do you just need a whipping boy?" "tell me..." "What's going to come of all this?" "Because I'm completely lost..." "What?" "You do what you have to." "We're all cogs in a machine." "We move, so the world can." "Everyone has their assigned place..." "I think so too, I think so too." "Knock-off time, Kaziu, Iet's go home." "Nurse..." "What are you shouting for?" "Am I still alive?" "Who's speaking now?" "Me?" "Everything's going to hell since the reforms, even imported." "You ought to buy polish made." "MacuIewicz has to leave." "How could you have allowed this?" "They're manipulating you." "They blackmail by threatening to resign and destroy the coalition." "The coalition's going to hell anyway." "The boys don't want to work with those hyenas any longer." " Jesus, the government will fold." " Think about the Party." "And Dyzma's been causing trouble again." "He didn't do anything, they tried to kill him." "Doesn't matter, the papers are writing about it." "Who was behind the attempt?" "..." "I don't know yet, but I'm sure he pissed off the Mafia." "He's honest." " Like each of us." " In our own way." "Non-aIigned, an expert, ideal for today's times." "Redheaded, untrustworthy." "But no one will accuse him of being a Jew." "Because he has red hair?" "What about Judas?" "Judas was a Christian." "gentlemen, the government's faIIing apart and you're..." "Hang MacuIewicz!" "The police continue their search for assassins of Nikodem Dyzma a politician who has lately been enjoying increasing popularity." "As we've learned, several theories are being considered the most likely of which is said to be that it was revenge of business interests connected to the Mafia." "Dr. Dyzma's life is no Ionger in any danger." "Since they say everything is Okay on TV..." "only the good young." "Who did this to you?" "They said on TV that it was my political enemies." "You have them?" "What about Terkowski?" "My husband says that it had to be your friends." "Who's he to be so smart?" "Vice-Premier of the Economy, or something like that." " I wasn't asking about..." " He was joking, you idiot." "Friends of mine sent me a bomb instead of flowers?" "You're more valuable after it, so it was a favor." "I was almost the next politician without any balls." " Never!" " Stop it, I'm injured." "Mine says you were unlucky." "The papers would've written about you for a month but the Dyzma festival's about to end." "In two days they're raising the prime rate and that'II be news." "Boy, Luska, you are such a blonde." "You can lift your tits, or tighten up your cheeks but the prime rate is the best and so it can't go any higher." "hold on!" "..." "I'm a bleached blonde, but she was born that way." "I mean prime interest rate." " I'm talking about money." " Stupid slut!" " What'd you say, bitch?" " Shut up." "This is a state hospital." "Time to go home..." "Terkowski's your man, you'II have to take care of him." "I'II pull a few strings." "They write that you are perhaps the only barrier in the way of a rising populist tide..." "well it can't be like that!" "tell me when they're taking photos." "I'd have prepared." "Now my eyes look like a rabbit's." "How's the firm, hasn't fallen apart in my absence has it?" "I arranged a cheap Ioan." "Is it important that they're raising the prime rate?" " First I've heard." " I'm telling you, in 2 days." "How do you know?" "None of your business, and I've forgotten already." "If it's for sure, I'm selling our shares, factories, dollars..." "I've got to run." "Basin?" "Rubber ducky?" "Rubber ducky." "A state hospital!" "Sir, we've got the person who tried to kill you with that bomb." " The police caught him?" " They're in our custody for now." "Go check the seat." "Let him check for bombs." "That's what he's good for..." "Oxford!" " What about that bomber?" " What should we do?" "What do you mean?" "Rip his balls off." "We've got who ordered it, but we can't rip his balls off." " Why not?" " Because it's a woman." "Senator Anna WaIewska." "Get out!" "You think you can leave me like a used rag, you piece of shit?" " I couId've died." " The state would've buried you." "careful, my friends don't do just any odd job." "What friends?" "Those other gravediggers?" "One of them is writing a book for my publisher..." "Jan WIadeczek." "You are ruthless." "Didn't they warn you?" "WIadeczek's causing trouble." "He has to be gotten rid of." "Yes sir!" "Everything's going to hell." ""There are days of joy and harvest and days of sorrow and failure."" "Is that from the bible?" "No, the Farmer's almanac." "The coalition crisis is sure to lead to the fall of the government and maybe even the collapse of parliament and early elections..." "Frania..." "shall I bring the vodka?" "Sure thing, Iet's get drunk." "Today brought two changes in the Cabinet" "Jan Jaszunski, the Minister of agriculture, resigned without giving any reason while Vice-Premier" "The Premier dismissed Maciej Terkowski today and appointed ambassador to the African republic of Burkina Faso." "Frania, bring that vodka!" "Things may not be so bad after all!" "Are you gentlemen sure he's a trustworthy man who won't disappoint us?" "What do you have on him, Minister KropieI?" "Nikodem Dyzma, parents unknown." "In orphanage till age of 18." "After trying to get an education, became a petty thief and swindler." "In conflict with the Iaw first time at age 17 for stealing pigeons." "In 1987 he stole a man's pension money but guilt wasn't proven." "We don't have anything serious." "It's not a safe candidate." "We won't be able to control him." "He'II be able to pull a stunt..." "Do we have any choice?" "Everyone else is discredited." "We'II never hang on to power without someone new." "If I know people, and I do, they'II buy him." "We have too much to lose." "I'm not convinced." "It's too great a risk." "Someone to see you..." "I've left him because when he stopped being minister, our deal was over." "He was minister when he married me, I have witnesses, my parents to whom he said, "I'm a minister and I want to marry your daughter."" "So when he stopped being minister, I stopped being his wife." "So I told him it was over and that I wouldn't demand much alimony because the person I was leaving him for and who I was in love with is director of a government agency and will soon be minister" "and will one day be able to support me and my child because I want to have a child, that's normal at my age..." "May I?" "could you lie down?" "help!" "Nikos!" "Nikos!" "help me, someone!" "Someone help me!" "The Premier just called and asked that you come right away." "Hang MacuIewicz!" " What's up?" " Stay cool..." "hello sir, here in this place I'd Iike to ask for the hand of minister Jaszunski's wife, his ex-wife..." "It's even better." "The premier ought to be married..." "Mr. Dyzma, do you have any idea why I've asked you here?" "We have to resolve the government crisis and we have a plan which involves you, so we need your agreement to implement it." "According to this plan, the entire government will resign and I'II suggest to the President that he entrust you with forming a new one." "Which means what?" "Which means, Nikos, that you are to be the new Premier!" "Me, Premier?" "So that's your plan?" "Sit down, Jadzia!" "Just what do you think?" "That I'm your puppet, is that it?" "That you'II be able to pull my strings?" "That you can do what you want?" "That you'II give me a good position a Iot of money, a luxury home, with billiard room, pool and limousine?" "That you'II control me with all this prosperity?" "You want to get ensnared, Iike a fly seeking honey?" "It's true, we have to admit." "That's what we thought." "And good thinking!" "You'II have a Premier the likes of which you never dreamed of!" "AII right!" "Come, Jadzia!" "Long live Dyzma!" "Long live Dyzma!" "english translation Roger DomagaIski" "subtitles Adam Szostak"