"You know, Ben, we've been married a long time" "Uh-oh" "I personally think it's because we know how to communicate," " we're able to talk" " Mmm" "Have a back and forth conversation, a dialogue, if you will" "Just get to it, Susan" "We're having dinner with the Mortons tonight" " No, we're not" " Yes, we are" " No, we're not" " Yes, we are" "Sorry Excuse me for interrupting But is this the dialogue bit?" "You know, the bit that kept our marriage alive?" "They're a lovely young couple" "You enjoyed talking to them when we were on holiday in Corfu" "Yeah, the three bottles of wine didn't hurt" " It was four" " Ah" "The point is they're good people and they could become good friends" "They're the worst kind of friends" "They're the friends that like to be around and involved in your life" "And the small talk Please, so irritating" "I told them we'd be at the restaurant at eight" "(GROANS)" "They said they have a matter to discuss with us" "Look, I said I'm sorry" "I thought we were all taking our swimsuits off" "You'd been in the pool for two hours, Ben, and no one noticed" " Anyway, we're going" " No, we're not" " Yes, we are" " No, we're not" " Yes, we are" " We are Fine" "Do you mind dropping me at the gallery on your way to work?" "Anything for you, darling" "This time actually stopping the car before I get out?" "Look, I said I was late for an appointment, and I've already said I was sorry" "Oh, that's what you shouted as you drove away" " Hello, honey" " Oh, better not, Mum" "Kenzo's given me his cold, and I don't want to give it to you" "Oh, I'm not afraid of that stuff Come here" "No reason not to show affection to your children" "God's precious gift, hmm?" "You're not getting out of tonight" "Come on, one more for luck" "(DOORBELL RINGING)" " What about me?" " Sorry What about you what?" "You do not show physical affection, Michael You know the rules" " Yeah?" " Hello I was looking for Janey" "Yeah, she's down there in the abyss" " Everything all right, Janey?" " Yeah Right I'm fine" "Mum, Dad, this is Mark He's a friend of mine" "Hello, there I'm sorry to interrupt and come round without calling," " but I need to talk to you" " Fine, well, we'll get out of your way" "Come on, Susan We're going to be late again Come on" "I don't want that, either, trust me Well, it was nice meeting you" "You look so familiar" " Have we met?" " No, I don't think so" "BEN:" "Susan!" "They have no clue who I am, do they?" "No And what are you doing here?" "Mind giving us some privacy?" "Sorry Didn't think you had the next bloke scheduled till 4:15" " So, how is Kenzo?" " He's fine" "And your parents have no idea I'm his father?" "Hold on, now" "Great!" "Michael, this is Mark, the father of your nephew" "Nice to finally meet you" "Was it your idea to call him Kenzo?" "Kenzo's father!" "The eyes He has your eyes" "Mum, this is Mark, and yes, he is Kenzo's father" "I knew it My God, I'm right!" "My years of searching, and this is him" "What the hell is going on?" "What?" "I'm on the open road, I'm about to open her up to 20 and then she opens the door and jumps out, crying, "Kenzo's"" "I see" "Oh, it's you, is it?" "I think we ought to have a little chat" "Or Mark could just leave and we all go on with our lives and" " No, let's chat" " No, let's chat Come here" "Please, sit down" "First of all, I must apologise" "I'm sorry for just coming round like this, but there have been recent events in my life which have made me seriously rethink some things" "And, Janey, I know at the time we had an agreement, but now I want to be more involved in Kenzo's life" "I'm at a better place I'm ready" "He just seems like such a lovely person" "What did you do to screw it up?" "What makes you think it was me that screwed it up?" "All right But you know what I was like back then" "You know, I was fickle, always looking over my shoulder for the next bloke" " And now you're" " More mature" "So what do I do?" "Do I let him see Kenzo?" "It can't hurt Plus, it might be a good idea to have a charming, articulate man in Kenzo's life" "Let's get this crappy dinner over with" "Lord knows you didn't" "Apple, don't leave Pooh Bear" " What's wrong, Abi?" " Ask Roger about him cheating on me" "Roger!" "I didn't know you had it in you" "I don't Abi had a dream last night that I cheated on her and she's been in this mood all day" "All right, Roger, calm down It'll pass" "It may take a little longer with Abi, but come on" "All women are like this" "The best bet, son, just keep saying you're sorry" "So, you're on the A25, but if you get onto the B414 at junction six, you'll miss that section of the M25 completely" "Another bottle of wine, please" "You were about to tell us about the lane closures on the M40" "Please, let's save something for dessert" "Anyway, thanks for coming to dinner" "We just wanted to let you know what was going on in our lives" "We've" "We've had some difficulties" "I thought so They want money" "We've been trying to start a family" "And it would seem we're not able" "You are so lucky Cherish that gift" " No, no, we really want kids" " Of course you do which is why we want Ben to be our sperm donor" "Of course, we realise this is a big favour to ask, and it would be a question for both of you" "Les and I talked about it, and" "Well, that last dinner that we had, we were so impressed by everything Ben told us about himself" "Am I the only one who remembers the four bottles of wine?" "We don't need it tonight" "What?" " An answer" " An answer Mmm-hmm" "Just look over the papers We'd be the responsible parties" "Will you think about it?" "Sure" "Thanks, you two, so much for even considering this" "It would be an honour" "It" "You going to do that all night?" " Aren't we going to talk about this?" " We?" "We?" "With all due respect, they were being nice" "It's me they want" "Don't flatter yourself If we hadn't been on that holiday, they would be asking some hairdresser from Sidcup" "You know what I think?" "I think they saw me without my trunks" "(GRUNTING)" "So I have no say in this Fine" "(GROANING)" "You know what this is, don't you?" "You think you're getting old and you're not going to have any more children" "I mean, most likely" "And then there's me producing in the range of 300 million little Ben Harpers a day" "Please, I want to be able to sleep tonight" "Come on, Susan Calm down" "You're not any less of a woman because you're finished having children" "It's not the only thing that defines you as a woman" "Shut up, Ben" "NARRATOR ON TV:" "The alpha male dominates the weaker males with a quiet confidence." "Oh, so he does You bet he does" "The giant silverback has earned his position in the group." "He's the biggest, strongest, most virile male of the group." "Ha" "What a boy" "You know, Susan, I'm rather like that silverback in the jungle" "You're more like the baboon at the zoo playing with his banana" "What time is Kenzo's dad supposed to bring him home?" "Any minute now, I imagine Yeah, why are they taking so long?" "Perhaps you should be using this time more valuably, Janey" "People think I just sit around doing nothing, but that couldn't be further from the truth" "At the moment, for instance," "I'm in the process of conjugating the French verb savoir." "Well, good luck with that" "Oh, thank God" " Oh, it's just you" " Nice to see you, too" "I thought it was Kenzo coming back with his dad" "Oh, yeah He seemed like a nice guy" "Could you imagine having a father who's interested in spending time with you?" "Apparently, most of them do" "I know, weird" "And you're absolutely sure you want to go through with this?" "Susan, the alpha male has a responsibility to the species" "You know, to keep the strong genetics going Okay?" "I know the phrase "super-race" may be unfashionable, but" " Oh, hello" " Good evening" "Ben Ben Harper" "Kent Hawthorne Oh, my God, it's good to see you again" "Kent Hawthorne" "Yes, I started a chain of these years ago" "Ah, right Ah, yes Sorry, this is my wife, Susan" "Susan, I was at university with Kent" "Nice to meet you Where did you end up?" "Oh, dentistry Yeah Very, very big practice, very big, but, I mean, not as big as this, but it's not bad at all" "So, you two thinking about" "God, no!" "No, I'm just helping out a lovely young couple who asked me to donate" "Yeah Apparently, they saw qualities in me that they wanted to pass on to the new generation" "Modesty wasn't one of them" "Well, then, let's get you taken care of" "Make sure that you get special treatment" " Pays to know the owner" " All right" "We've got one more client tonight" " This is Mr Harper" " Hi" " Ben, do you have your paperwork?" " Yes Thanks, Kent, I appreciate this" "Right, look, I need to get going Ben, what you have to do is" "He's familiar with the procedure" " Right Good night" " Bye" "He should only be a minute" "Why can't Abi just let it go?" "It was just a dream!" "But it's never just a dream, is it, Roger?" "There's always an underlying meaning" "I once dreamt I saw three gleaming dolphins jumping through hoops while 30 nuns wearing sunglasses looked on" " What did it mean?" " I don't know" "But that day I'd been to Sea World and there was a coachload of nuns there" " And the sunglasses?" " It was a very sunny day" "Who knew?" "(WHISPERING) Susan" "It's all right It's fine, fine" "Susan Susan!" " What?" " I need a ha" "I need your help" "No, no Hand me the magazine" "(DOORBELL RINGING)" "We went to the zoo" "Oh Wow" " Sounds like you had a great day" " We did, and thank you" "Look, I know it's a lot to ask, but when can we see him again?" "Oh, any time" " We?" " Linda and I" "Linda, my wife She's just finishing a call out in the car" "Kenzo, why don't you go and run and play with Alfie and Uncle Michael?" "They're going to take you into the kitchen" "Right, Alfie and Uncle Michael?" "Oh, right, the kitchen Let's go, Kenzo" "Alfie, we're taking Kenzo to get him some biscuits" "Oh, right, sorry Biscuits" "Janey, I told you about Linda I wrote you a letter" "We've been married for two years" "Well, I didn't get it" "And you didn't mention it in the three hours we spent with Kenzo" "Please, Janey, I'm so sorry I" "Oh, hello It's so nice to finally meet you" "You've done a wonderful job with your son" "Yeah, well" "Janey never got the letter about us being married" "Oh, no That's terrible" "Don't mind us We're going upstairs to play with my old trains" " Alfie finished all the biscuits" " Guilty as charged" "Kenzo, come and say goodbye to your dad and Linda" "Bye, Dad Bye, new Mummy" " I'm sure he didn't mean that" " Oh Hell, no" "New Mummy?" "New Mummy?" "That's it?" "I can be replaced just like that?" "Do you want me to tell you what you want to hear," " or do you want the honest answer?" " What I want to hear, obviously" "The honest answer is women are replaceable at the drop of a hat" "We push the babies out, we raise them and then we're done" " We serve no other purpose" " Do you mind sewing a button on for me?" "I take that back" "I've a mind not to let Mark see Kenzo any more" "Now, wait a minute Wait a minute" "You said this "new Mummy" thing didn't come from either Mark or Linda" " So what?" " So?" " It's not really fair on Kenzo, is it?" " Yeah, but?" "You have to put the best interests of your child first" "It's what mothers do" "All right, most mothers" "Mum, do you mind if Kenzo and I stay here for a few nights?" "You know, with everything that's been going on," " I haven't slept a wink" " Of course, darling" "I haven't slept much, either" "Your father's been doing push-ups in the middle of the night, rather than taking care of the old female of the group" "I, for one, don't know what the big deal is" "I think you're a wonderful, capable mother and you've got a lot to be proud of" "And I'm really glad you're my daughter" "Come on, come on We don't want to be late Come on" "All the men in the world, and they want to breed from that?" "(MOBILE RINGING)" "Hello?" "Oh, Mark Hi" "Tomorrow?" "Oh, well" "Yeah, I'm not sure that's going to work" "Yeah Sorry, it's just Kenzo's cold has come back a bit, and he's a little under the" "(IMITATING AEROPLANE) weather Yeah" "It'd probably be best if he stays with me right now" "Yeah Yeah, okay" " Who was that, Mummy?" " No one, sweetheart No one" "Roger, can I talk to you?" "Yes, my banoffee pie" " I had another dream" " Oh, no" "This one's a little different from the last one" "It was still of a sexual nature, but this time involving me" " Oh, Abi!" "Go on" " I'm going" "I'm going to go now" "The good Lord blessed me with a very vivid imagination" "Or should I say cursed?" "No, no I'm pretty happy with it" " Well?" " Well, like you said, it's just a dream," " so I don't want you to get upset" " I won't get upset" "I slept with Orlando Bloom last night" "Orlando Bloom?" "That's" " Oh, that's fine It was just a dream" " And anyway," "I'm sure that when we do finally celebrate our love physically, you'll be just as spectacular as Orlando" "Oh, yes" "But just remember, you know, it was just a dream, and, you know, things can seem a lot" "larger than life in dreams" "Oh, Roger, I can't wait" "So you have no idea what this is about?" "He just said he wanted to see you?" "Hmm" "Thank you two for coming in" "Given the delicate nature of being a donor," "I wanted to talk to you in person" "Look, Ben We evaluate a number of areas when we examine a possible donor" "There's a lot to consider, such as reproductive viability," " motility" " Yeah, I'm sure, I'm sure, but can we just get to the point, please?" "Your little swimmers can't get the job done" "(SNICKERING)" "Sorry, what are you saying?" "Well, they're just sort of sitting there" "I don't want to use the word lazy, but I've never really seen anything like it" "Um there must be some kind of mistake" " No, I'm afraid not, no" " Susan, please, this is not funny" "Oh, no!" "No, it's funny" "Look, Ben, I know this is hard to hear, but" "This is ridiculous I've got three children" " Right And how old's your youngest?" " 18" "Well, at some point in the past 18 years," "I'm afraid the workers have left the factory" "Please, Susan This has got to be a mistake" "Let me have another crack at it Come on, give me a beaker" "Look, knowing you, Ben, I thought you might react like this, so I've brought your actual sample in for you to see" "Look, this can't be right" "There's no This can't" "(SUSAN CONTINUES LAUGHING)" "See, look there There's one moving Use that one" " No, he stopped" " Please, I just have to see for myself" "Nope Nothing" "It's like they're just sitting, watching television" "Imagine that!" "Look, I am sorry, Ben, and as far as the Mortons are concerned," "I don't know how you want me to handle that" " Would you like me to deliver" " It's okay I'll talk to them" "I can handle it I'm not completely useless" "Come on, Susan, let's go" "(GASPING)" " Oh, please, just one more look" " Come on now" "Go on, go on I deserve it Go on, get it out of your system" "The point is, Ben, it shouldn't make you feel any less of a man because you've finished producing children" "That can't be the only thing that defines you as a man" " I can take it" " You do have it coming, you know" "I rang the Mortons I've arranged dinner with them tomorrow night" "Don't feel you have to be there" "Oh, I'm going to be there I wouldn't miss it for the world" " You're not going" " Yes, I am" " No, you're not" " I am" "Haven't you gloated enough?" "I think I can manage a little bit more" "So, what are you going to tell them?" "The truth" "I'm going to get something to drink" "Oh, no push-ups tonight?" "(SUSAN GIGGLING)" "What are you two doing up?" "It's getting late" "Oh, we were just having a little chat" " Kenzo's full of questions tonight" " Like?" "When am I going to see Daddy again?" "I thought that was going to be today" "Well, it was supposed to be, but I just thought it better to, you know, wait and see with" "Kenzo, you're a very lucky little boy" "You have the best mother in the world who will always do what's right for you, even though it means she's uncomfortable" "All right, all right, he gets it" "I just want him to be proud of the decisions his mother makes him" "Mum, really, enough" " Good night, sweetheart" " Night, Gran" "And, Kenzo, I want you to remember something" "You only have one mummy, and she's right here next to you" "Did you hear that?" "One mum It's me" " I think he gets it" " One mum, Kenzo Me" " Janey, okay" " Just making sure he gets it" " Oh, it's you" " Hello, Mr Harper" "Daddy!" " You two have a good time" " Thanks, we're just going for a pizza" " I'll have him back in an hour" " Okay" "Bye, Mummy, I love you" "Thank you" "Okay, Susan, ready for dinner?" "The question is are you ready for dinner?" "What?" "About to go into a crowded restaurant and tell two virtual strangers I'm infertile?" "Can't wait" "If you go from the A229 straight onto the M20 and then cut through on the B261 through Detling, that misses out all the nonsense on the A37" "Well, it does" "(CLEARING THROAT)" "Right More wine, anyone?" " Thank you for inviting us to dinner" " Not at all, there's no problem" "Have you been thinking about our proposal?" "Les and I were wondering what you were going to say" " You're not the only ones" " Yeah" "Let's just dive in, shall we?" "Well, the truth is The truth is that, um" "Uh, what I'm trying to say" "It's very, very difficult for me to say this, but" "What Ben is trying to say is we have to decline your very complimentary offer" "But Ben and I talked about it, and we decided, you know, we have our children" "And then, of course, you have to understand the kind of father Ben is" "He's so dedicated and attentive" "I am?" "Both of those things" "And I think we're both afraid he might not be able to emotionally separate himself from one of his own offspring" "Right Well, I can't say we're not disappointed, but I think we completely understand" "Thank you, Les Well, that's the way it goes sometimes" "We just hope the father we do find has all of Ben's wonderful qualities" "I don't suppose there's anything we could say to make you change your mind?" " No" " No" "Tell me a bedtime story about the times your daddy took you out" "We don't have time for a fairy story tonight" "I wanted to get ice cream, but Linda wouldn't let me" "Why not?" "She only eats healthy food, that's what she said" "Really?" "You know, you were right" "I did have a problem with the whole idea of not having any more children" "It really bothered me" "But in the last few days, I've come to realise something" "What's that, darling?" "I think the way I define myself as a woman now is all about helping my kids" "And pulling your arse out of the fire" "Here's your shirt, by the way" "Good night" " Ben?" " Mmm?" "What are you doing?" "Well, Susan, the factory may be closed," "but the equipment's still working"