"Basic principles:" "No woman wakes up saying:" ""God, I hope I don't get swept off my feet today. "" "Now, she might say, "This is a really bad time for me. "" "Or something like, "I just need some space. "" "Or my personal favorite:" ""I'm really into my career right now. "" "You believe that?" "Neither does she." "You know why?" "Because she's lying to you, that's why." "You understand me?" "Lying." "It's not a bad time for her." "She doesn't need any space." "She may be into her career... but what she's really saying is, "Get away from me now. "" "Or possibly, "Try harder, stupid. "" "Well, which one is it?" "60% of all human communication is nonverbal." "Body language." "30% is your tone." "So that means that 90% of what you're saying... ain't coming out of your mouth." "Toby!" "Shit!" "Of course she'll lie to you." "She's a nice person, she doesn't wanna hurt your feelings." "What else is she gonna say?" "She doesn't even know you." "Yet." "Luckily, the fact is that just like the rest of us... even a beautiful woman doesn't know what she wants until she sees it." "And that's where I come in." "My job is to open her eyes." "Oh, my God!" "Is this what you're looking for?" "Basic principles:" "No matter what, no matter when, no matter who... any man has a chance to sweep any woman off her feet." "Just needs the right broom." "You cannot use what you do not have." "So if you're shy, be shy." "If you're outgoing, be outgoing." " I'm not outgoing." " That's okay." "She may not want the whole truth, but she does want the real you." "She may not want to see it all at once, but she does want to see it." "So tonight, when you're wondering what to say, how you look, or if she likes you... just remember, she is already out with you." "That means she said yes when she could have said no." "That means she made a plan when she could have just blown you off." "So that means it is no longer your job to try to make her like you." "It is your job not to mess it up." "The shoes are hot." "You went to the place I told you?" "Yeah, but I don't think they're really me." ""You" is a very fluid concept right now." "You bought the shoes." "You look great in the shoes." "That's the you I'm talking about." "The key tonight is hang back." "Give her plenty of space." "If she lingers at a photograph, move on." "But maintain the visual." "It's supposed to be 64 and clear tonight." "So when you leave the club, walk a little." "Ask her what she thought about the show... what was her favorite photograph, why that one." "And when she answers, don't be looking at her mouth." "Don't be wondering what she looks like naked." "Listen to what she is saying and respond." "Listen and respond." "That way, when it's your turn to talk... you'll have something better to say than, "I like your mouth. "" "What was your favorite one?" "The elephant, definitely." "And all of a sudden, we're on date number two." "Ready." "No way." "We're going back in there." "You have to smile." "In case you didn't go to high school, hitting is a good thing." "So how does it happen, great love?" "Are you okay?" " Nobody knows." " I'm good." "Let me get a Bomb Pop and a Screwball for the lady." "But what I can tell you, is that it happens in the blink of an eye." "One moment, you're enjoying your life." "And the next, you're wondering how you ever lived without them." "Three dates is all I need." "Three dates, and I'll get you here, to the high-stakes medal round... where eight out of 10 women believe that the first kiss... will tell them everything they need to know about the relationship." "After that, you're on your own." "But always remember... life is not the amount of breaths you take." "It's the moments that take your breath away." "Did I call it or did I call it?" "I mean, what did I say, six months?" "And when was her first date?" "So five-and-a-half?" "God, I hate it when I'm right." "What is it about guys that makes them want to screw anything that walks... even when they're going out with someone as awesome as Allegra Cole?" "She's only the most fabulous thing walking around New York." "Thanks, Young." "Are you kidding?" "Of course I'm gonna run it." "Why should she waste her heart on some Swedish aristo-brat?" "Even if he is gorgeous." "If he's stupid enough to cheat... the world should know he's dumb enough to get caught." "Exactly." "I'm in the elevator." "See you in a minute." "Good morning, how are you?" "Bitter, party of one." "You should try it sometime." "Barbados by myself?" "I wouldn't last five minutes." "It was just what the doctor ordered." "I slept in, I did my yoga, I read a couple of books... flirted with my scuba instructor." " And apparently never left the office." " I know, isn't that great?" "You should've taken someone with you." "Who am I gonna take with me?" "This is where a boyfriend comes in handy." " I don't have time for a boyfriend." " You said that two years ago." "Yes, and it's as true today as it was then." "I thought you were on vacation." "See if these are in focus and have them in my desk in an hour." "Besides, relationships are for people waiting for something better to come along." "Spoken like a true cynic." "I'm not a cynic." "I'm a realist." "You are a realist masquerading as a cynic who is secretly an optimist." "What are you doing here?" "What is she doing here?" "She works here, remember?" "No, she doesn't." "Not for another four days." " This couldn't wait." " It could." "What are you doing?" "Go back to the beach." " I don't want you here." " No, really, you do." "You are becoming a sick, workaholic lunatic... and this is exactly... the kind of nervous, overwrought behavior that leads to..." "Pictures of Sebby with a busty brunette." "A very big raise." "Jesus." "You could find dirt in a snowstorm." "Comes with the job." "You know, kiddo, there is more to life than watching other people live it." "Can I help he was cheating on my beach?" "I think it's great that you're so good at your job." "I'm just a little worried as to why." "Let me worry about that." "Okay." "I want that column on my desk by lunch." "So you'll pay for my hotel?" "For you to sip mai tais?" "I don't think so." "Get out." " Come on." " What?" " That's good, right?" " No." "No, it was in and it freaked out." "You know what your problem is, Hitch?" "You're all about the short game." "You pick your shots based on what you see first... not what's necessarily best for you... in the long run." "All of us are not married to the woman of our dreams and about to have a baby." "You know, I'm very happy for you." "Just not meant for everybody." "So please just leave me to my hot, sweaty... totally varied, wildly experimental short game." " I was talking about pool, but whatever." " Yeah, okay." "Honestly, I just hope one day you're able to experience... the unconditional love, trust, and openness... that I share with Grace every single day." " Is this really barroom talk?" " You need to listen to me." "I'm serious." "Because when you get to a place with a woman like that... it's so beyond anything physical that... when I think back to when I used to run around with you... and chase all these really gorgeous but shallow women..." "I don't know, it's kind of ridiculous and vaguely pathetic." "Yeah, I see what you mean." "That's pathetic." "So, how'd you meet him?" "I was in La Perla just buying some weekend thongs." " And he was doing likewise?" " No." "Actually, he said he was buying something for his mom." "His mom?" "Casey, who buys high-priced lingerie for their mother?" "Well, maybe he was looking for a robe." "Casey, he was hitting on you while he was buying lingerie for another woman." " I prefer the mother story." " I know you do, but that's not the point." "No, the point is I'm not gonna start out assuming the guy's a liar." " Why not?" " Because that's how you wind up..." "Like me?" "Is that what you were gonna say?" "No." "I was gonna say, "Like you. "" " What's his name?" " Why?" " I'm gonna Google him." " No." "Google your own guy." "Let's just see if his mother's still alive." " So when is Grace due again?" " Soon." " You excited?" " What'd you say?" "Do you want me to go get them and bring them over here?" "No, don't do that." "Are you saying you don't wanna talk to them because you can't go home with them?" "I'm just trying to keep my head above water." " Have you heard of the Date Doctor?" " Urban myth." " Really?" " Absolutely." "I was hoping he also helped women." "Casey, you're not sick." "You're single." "You just have to relax and enjoy the ride." "I haven't been ridden in months." "On that happy note, I'm gonna go see if anybody interesting came in tonight." " You mean, besides me." " Right." "Bye." "I'll go get those girls, bring them over here... and we'll have a conversation like human beings." "Then you're gonna home, and I'll take them back to my apartment." "Well, that sounds like fun for me." "But you might want to get in line, pal." " Hey, girl." " Hey, how are you?" "Hey, baby, can I get a couple Coronas at the pool table, please?" "Thanks." "Excuse me." "Lime wedges in the bottle's fine." "Hey, asshole, I don't work here." "I'm sorry." "The paramedics will have to come to get my foot out of my mouth, sweetheart." "Just don't let it happen again." " I knew you didn't work here." " You did?" "How else was I supposed to get you away from all those guys?" "Why would you want to do that?" "Some guys naturally develop a comfort with the opposite sex." "They like women, women like them." "Everything flows naturally." "Back in college, I was just not one of them." "I seemed to lack the basic understanding... that my peers just intuitively grasped." "But like any late bloomer, I was eager to make up for lost time." "Her name was Cressida Baylor." "Can you tell me where the registration building is?" "And my life would never be the same." " I'm Alex." " Cressida." "What we had was beautiful." "I love you." "I love you so much." "I love you, too, Alex." "I know you don't love me as much as I love you." "But that's okay." "I'm just glad you love me at all." "In retrospect, I guess I may have come on a little strong." "But the experience taught me a lot." "Cressida!" "What are you doing?" "I'm sorry, Alex." "But I love you." "What did I do wrong?" "Just tell me what I did wrong." "You're doing it right now." "Alex, I'm sorry." "And it's an education I feel obliged to pass on to my fellow men." "Because with no guile and no game, there's no girl." "If ever a man born was without game... it was Albert Brennaman." "My business is 100% referral and, thus far, untraceable." "And if there's one thing I've learned... when you orchestrate, coordinate, and otherwise mess with fate... it's best to fly under the radar." "I hope she's single 'cause I don't do break-ups." "Hi." "Thank you for seeing me." "Yeah, no." "I mean, she just got out of a relationship." "Is that a problem?" "Because if it is, that's fine." "I'm a little uncomfortable with this anyway." "Definitely been hurt a lot." "I had a lot of bad experiences." "Some good ones." "But definitely a lot of bad ones." "I'm desperate, basically." "I mean, not in general, you understand?" "You know, not just for anybody." "But, man, for her..." "Yeah." "Why don't you tell me about her?" "Let's see, what can I say?" "My company handles her finances." "I'm her tax consultant." "Well, I'm one of them." "I'm the junior man on the account." " So does she know you're interested?" " No." "Alive?" "I lent her my pen once." "Shoot." "Does anyone have a pen?" " Here, take mine." " Albert, you're crushing my arm." "Sorry about that." "Here you go, Allegra." "Allegra?" "As in Allegra Cole?" "Yeah, I realize that I'm not her usual type." "Well, her last boyfriend owned Sweden or something." "And that guy was a bum." "He didn't seem like a very nice person to me." "You swing for the fence." "Look, you don't think I tried talking myself out of this?" "I mean, you don't think I know how ridiculous this is?" "I know, okay?" "I just thought that maybe with your help..." "You know what?" "I'm really sorry I wasted your time." "Hold on a second, Albert." "You know what it's like getting up every morning feeling hopeless?" "Feeling like the love of your life is waking up with the wrong man?" "But at the same time, hoping that she still finds happiness... even if it's never gonna be with you?" "You are flat-out... out of your mind." "You know that?" "That's good." "It is?" "You ever heard of Michelangelo?" "Heard of the Sistine Chapel?" "Michelangelo." "Sistine Chapel." "You saying you can do this?" "My name is Alex Hitchens." "Let's go paint that ceiling." "Take it easy." "Oh, my God!" "Well, it looks like I'm still rich." "But what I would really like, and what I was wondering is... if I could have $500,000 to invest on my own." "And what were you thinking of investing in, Allegra?" "Well, it's something that I really have a passion for." "Daydreams are for private time." "When you're in the room, be in the room." "Concentrate." "Focus." "Women respond when you respond to them." "My friend Maggie is a talented designer." "I've seen the business plan and the samples look fantastic." "And I would really like to get involved." "I'll tell you what." "Let us come up with a range of investments that we think you might be interested in... and next month, we'll run the whole lot of them by you." "Okay." "Fine." "Thank you." "All right, gentlemen." "Let's go over this one more time." "What is the objective?" "Shock and awe." "That was shockingly awful." "What is the objective?" "Shock and awe." "What is the objective?" " Excuse me, sir." " Yes, Albert?" "I don't really agree with that." "You don't really agree with what?" "I think if you want to invest $500,000 in your friend's business... that's exactly what you should do." "You don't need us to tell you what to do." "We're a board of advisers, not your kindergarten teachers." "If you want to be taken seriously as an adult... then start taking yourself seriously as an adult... instead of asking for permission to invest your own money... from a boardroom full of your daddy's golf buddies." " That's quite enough!" " I'm not finished." "I'd like to see anybody in this room handle the attention and publicity... that she's had to deal with her whole life, with half her class." "We should be taking advice from you, Miss Cole." "Not the other way around." " Sit down..." " No!" "You know what?" "I quit!" "Oh, my God." "Just breathe." "How'd it go?" "I yelled at her." "I screamed at my boss!" "I quit my job!" " What?" " You said..." " I gotta go back." " No, I didn't tell you to quit." "Relax." "Okay, listen, we're fine." " Would you let me go?" " Albert, no!" "Just relax!" "Okay?" " Just let it marinate for a second." "Trust me." " No!" "Relax." " It's Allegra Cole." " Answer it." " Could I speak to you a second?" " Answer the door, Albert." "Yes." "Hi." "What's up?" "Listen, Albert, right?" " People don't usually talk to me like that." " Close your mouth, man." "Let me rephrase that." "People never talk to me like that." "Stand up." "I guess it's kind of scary for them." "But that's why I really appreciate what you did in there." "But I was wondering... do you think that you and I could get together sometime this week?" "You know, to go over things." "Financial things." "I'd like to see the areas where I can afford to take some risks." " Check your schedule." " I'll check my schedule." "Great." "Let me give you my number." "Do you have a pen?" "I don't think I have one." " Yes, I do." " Great." "And call me Allegra." " You're done." " Goodbye." "Good job." "Oh, damn." "She's some kind of newspaper columnist." "Comes in here once in a while." "Great tipper." "What's her drink?" "Usually beer." "Tonight, Grey Goose martini, dirty." "Hi." "I noticed your glass was getting low... so I took the liberty of bringing you another apple martini." "Thank you." "And I couldn't help but notice you look a lot like my next girlfriend." " What's your name?" " They call me Chip." "You can't get them to stop?" "That was funny." "Listen, I understand the courage it takes to walk across a room... and try to generate a relationship out of thin air." " So don't take the following personally." " You have fantastic eyes." "Thanks." "Try to listen." "This is no reflection on you." "I'm just not interested." "But thank you for the compliment of coming over." "You're welcome." "So do you like Cuban food?" "Chip, seriously, that was not code for, "I wish you'd try harder. "" "Are you always so shut-down and afraid that the right man might make you..." "Feel like a natural woman?" "Sorry I'm late, honey." "I couldn't get a cab." "How was the meeting?" "Well, there was a beginning, a middle, and an end." "Nice to meet you, Chip." "You, too." "On the one hand, it is very difficult for a man... to even speak to someone who looks like you." "But on the other hand, should that be your problem?" "So life's kind of hard all around." "Not if you pay attention." "You're sending all the right signals:" "No earrings, heels under two inches, your hair is pulled back... wearing reading glasses with no book, drinking a Grey Goose martini... which means you had a hell of a week and a beer just wouldn't do it." "If that wasn't clear enough... there's always the "fuck off" that you have stamped on your forehead." "Who'd believe there's a man out there that can sit by a woman he doesn't know... and genuinely be interested in who she is, what she does, without his own agenda?" "I wouldn't even know what that would look like." "So what would a guy like that say?" "He'd say, "My name is Alex Hitchens and I'm a consultant. "" "But she wouldn't be interested in that... because she'd be counting the seconds until he left." "Thinking he was like every other guy." "Which, life experience has taught her, is a virtual certainty." "But then he'd ask her name and what she did for a living... and she might blow him off." "Or she might say..." "I'm Sara Melas." "I run the gossip column at the Standard." "And then he'd ask all these penetrating questions about her... because he was sincerely, if atypically, interested." "No." " No?" " He'd be interested." "But he'd see that there was no way... he could possibly make her realize that he was for real." "Well, he could be funny and charming and refreshingly original." "Wouldn't help." " Don't you hate it when that happens?" " Not really." "They'd both probably go on to lead the lives they were headed toward." "My guess is they'd do just fine." "It's a pleasure to have met you, Sara Melas." "Grey Goose martini from the gentleman who just left." "Is that for me?" "What?" "Vance Munson." "Sorry I'm late." "No, not a problem." "Wow, you're the..." " Can I get you something to drink, Mr..." " No, I'm fine, thank you." "So, tell me about her." "Have you ever met someone... and you knew right away she was gonna be important to you?" "Not just because of her looks, but that X factor." "How'd you meet her?" "Actually, I was in a shop buying pajamas for my mom." "And by that, of course, you mean... you were buying lingerie for another woman." "Yes." "You can't help where you meet somebody." "And the lingerie is for a woman I'm no longer seeing." "But anyway, the girl I met, the one I was talking about... she's so sweet, funny, Southern." "She gives me her number." "Now she won't return my phone calls." "I don't know what it is about her." "I just can't get her out of my mind." "You know, food has lost its taste." "Colors, they seem dull." "Things that used to matter..." "I don't know, they just no longer do." "I think things aren't gonna snap back unless I..." "Unless I bang her." "Excuse me?" "You know, bang her." "Clear my head." "Get in, get off, get out." "I think you may have misunderstood what I do exactly." "No, I was told you help guys get in there." "Right." "But, see, here's the thing." "My clients actually like women." "Hit it and quit it is not my thing." "Let me make one thing clear to you, rabbi." "I need professional help." "Well, that is for damn certain." "And I'm glad you can admit it because generally that's the hardest part." "You see what I'm doing?" "This is what I'm about." "Power suit, power tie, power steering." "People can wince, cry, beg, but eventually they do what I want." "So that's, like, a metaphor." "Well, I'm more of a literal kind of guy." "So when I do this... this is more like me saying that I will literally break your shit off... if you ever touch me again." "Okay, pumpkin?" "Got it." "No." "Pablo, I can't just mention your restaurant." "Somebody has to eat there." "No, somebody famous." "You know that." " Sara Melas?" " No." "Okay." "Bye." "I need your signature." "I hate it when a guy calls a girl who did not give him her number." "So this is me not calling." "Over." "Yes, you're right." "This is much less invasive." "I've been thinking about that sign on your forehead." "And I was wondering if you'd mind taking it down for dinner Friday night." "Over." "I can't." "I have a couple of parties I have to hit." "Gossip never sleeps." "Not till about 4:00 a. m." "Saturday." "I have a date." "Do you know the definition of "perseverance," Miss Melas?" "An excuse to be obnoxious?" "Continuing in a course of action... without regard to discouragement, opposition or previous failure." "Over." "Okay, Webster, how do I get rid of you?" "Breakfast, Sunday." "And you can barely even call that a date." "You do that with out-of-town relatives that you don't even like." "Over." "Come on." "Okay, I guess I could do Sunday." "You forgot to say "over. " Over." "This conversation's over as soon as you tell me when and where." "7:00 a. m., North Cove Marina." "Over and out." "7:00 a." "M?" "Are you crazy?" "I don't do 7:00 a. m." " Hello?" " Sign here." " What?" " You said Sunday, right?" "Yeah." "What if I would have said Friday?" "Sunday." "So I guess you're not going to church." "Do you really expect me to wear this?" "It'll be awful cold out there without it." " Good morning." " "Good" would have been at 10:00." "You're a lot taller than I remember." "You ever ride one of these?" "Not on the Hudson." "So, what do you wanna do?" "Race me around the Statue of Liberty?" "If there's time." " But you might need these." " All right." " Bam." " Wow." "How do I look?" "Fabulous." "All right, I give." "Where do I change?" "So we'll go past the wall, then take a left." "It's pretty much a straight shot from there." " Straight shot to where?" " That's for me to know and you to find out." "What you do with these babies is..." "Yeah, what I do with this baby is kick your ass." " What happened?" "You change your mind?" " It just died." "Did you put gas in it?" "No." "You know, I think it must have sucked up a diaper or something." "Gross." "Try it again." "You want me to call AAA?" "Come on around and let me hop on with you." "I don't know." "What if you break mine, too?" "Then we'll both be sitting ducks." " I didn't break it." "It just died." " Yeah, yeah." "All right, hop on." " Scoot back." " Hitch, I'm already here." "But you don't know where we're going." "Why don't you tell me?" "Then we'll both know." "Man, male egos." "I don't know how you guys make it through the day with them." "What?" "It is not my ego." "I just don't want to ruin the surprise." "I'm sorry." "Are you all right?" "There." "I always keep a few of those around." "Thank you." "I have lower back trouble." "I just shove the ice packs right down there." "No." "That's a fresh one." "So, Ellis Island." "I have to admit, I have lived in New York my whole life and I've never been here." "I figured that." "Most people haven't." "So I got my man Larry here to set us up a private tour." " Great!" " Anything for Hitch." "It was originally known as Oyster Island." "The island was expanded to its present size... with dirt removed during the construction of the New York subway system." " Are you serious?" " Yes." " Did you know this?" " Yeah." "That's why I brought you here." "In fact, over 100 million Americans can trace their ancestry... back to a single man, woman, or child on the ship's manifest... to an inspector's ledger." "By 1910, 75% of the residents of New York..." "Chicago, Detroit, Cleveland, and Boston... were immigrants, or the children of immigrants." "They generally lived in the poorest sections of the cities... in Little Italys, Chinatowns and other ethnic enclaves." "It's called The Kissing Post." "The plaque explains how different cultures kiss after long absences." "Now, what exactly would qualify as a long absence?" "I mean..." " That count?" " No." "I actually had a relative come through here." " Really?" " Yeah." "What?" " What?" " What was that thing?" "No." "You know, I was just thinking... you can't really know where you're going until you know where you've been." " Ain't that right, Larry?" " Amen, brother." "That's kind of deep for a first date, don't you think?" "What is that?" "Oh, my God!" "That's my great-great-grandfather." "That's his signature." "Jesus, it's right here!" "How did you know?" "Hitch did the search." "I just found the page." "I'm sorry." "I saw that going differently in my mind." "So my family never saw him again." "Well, except for on the Wanted posters." "Look, I'm really sorry." "When I saw it on the computer, it said, "the Butcher of Cádiz. "" "I thought it was a profession, not a headline." "It's just one of those horrible family legacies we've all tried to forget." "But thank you." "No, it was..." " A train wreck." " No." "Let me get you a cab." "Thanks." " Bye." " Bye-bye." "Taxi!" "Poor guy." "Sounds like he went to a lot of trouble." "It was fun." "In a disastrous kind of way." "I mean, this isn't exactly a hickey." "At least you got a good story out of it, right?" "Right?" " You should try mine, it's great." " Wait." "You're seeing him again?" "Well, look, you said that I'm always expecting men... to let me down, right?" "Assuming that they're gonna fail?" "Which he did." "Yeah, but he did it with flair." "I mean, Case, he really tanked." "And that's a desirable trait?" "Yeah." "Weird, huh?" "Now, just keep it simple." "Just like we practiced." "We're just leaving a message." "Women like Allegra Cole don't pick up numbers they don't recognize." "Hello?" "She's on the phone!" " Yes." "Hello, Miss Cole?" " Yeah." "Hi, I have Albert Brennaman for you." " One moment, please." " No." "Tell her I'm at lunch." "We called her to tell her you're at lunch?" "Allegra." "Hi, it's Albert Brennaman." "Hi, how are you?" "Good." "I'm doing good." "The reason I'm calling is about our appointment this Wednesday." "Not gonna be able to make it." "Well, when can you make it?" "When can I do it?" "I don't even know, because my whole next week is slammed." "Right." "But it's all good." "No, we're gonna make it happen though, that's for sure." "We're going to make it happen." "Yes." "What's going on over there?" "Just moving some things around." "Sky Studios." "Tonight I'm actually going to this fashion thing at Sky Studios." "Designer friend." "I just thought it might be something your designer friend would be interested in." "Yeah, definitely." "Well, great." "Then I will put you back on with my..." " Allegra, over here, please." " Miss Cole, this way." "Great." "One more." " Hi, there." " This was a fantastic idea." "I suppose." "Hey, where's Maggie?" "Late as usual." "Tonight I want you to meditate on the image of an iceberg." "Do you know why I want you to do that?" "Because I'm cool?" " No." " I know, I'm not." "I'm saying that you are an iceberg... in that over 90% of your mass is below the surface." "I know I'm heavy." "I am." "I'm talking about who you are." "It's a metaphor." "Accounting, business... all of that is just a small part of a much deeper, richer Albert." "One more." "It's gonna be loud in there... so this is our opportunity to break the touch barrier... in a non-sleazy way." "So get to where it's loudest." "Ask her if she'd like a drink." "Lean in, place your hand on the small of her back... and say it in her ear like a secret." "Watch your hand placement." "Too high says, "I just wanna be friends. "" "Too low says, "I just wanna grab some ass. "" "Friends." "Ass." "Me." "Special issues:" "Allegra Cole is a celebrity... which means that when people talk to her, they'll ignore you completely." "She's classy, so she'll introduce you." "When she does, shake hands hard and speak up." "Let them know you're there." "Show her you can handle being her escort." " Egon, this is Albert." " How you doing?" " Albert, this is Zak." " Nice to see you." "These guys are friends with Maggie." " Been to that new Brazilian restaurant?" " No, but I am..." "It's disgusting." "I'm writing an article about it." "Did you see the new installation at MOMA?" " Yes, did you think..." " Disgusting." "Women can always tell when you're not being real with them." "Worst thing you can do is try to fake it, because you are a great guy." "And you do have something to offer Allegra that no other man does." "What was your name?" "Eggnog?" "Egon." "What do you think of the design of the Jets' new football stadium on the West Side?" "Let me guess." "Disgusting?" "Think it over." "We'll be back." "Thank you." "I can't stand those guys." "Really?" "I kind of liked them." "But when all is said and done... tonight is not about Allegra." " It's not?" " No." "Tonight is about Maggie." "A woman's best friend has to sign off on all big relationship decisions." "So you can't afford to mess this up." "Albert, I want you to meet my friend, Maggie." "Hi, Maggie." "It's an absolute pleasure to meet you." "I'm Maggie." " No, you're not." " Actually, I am." "Magnus Forester." "Thank you so much for inviting us." " You have very soft hands." " Thank you." " Wow." "So do you." " Thank you." "So tonight, you focus on one thing and one thing only." "Maggie." " Where does your inspiration come from?" " Oh, my God." "Anything I see." "Something in a magazine, out on the street... in an old movie." "The receptive nature of the creative facility just astounds me." "Anybody want any spring rolls?" "That's a beautiful tie, by the way." "This whole thing, it just works." "Thank you." " Is he gay?" " I don't think so." "I like him." "About the deejay." "Generally, I have a firm no-dancing policy." "But if she asks, you cannot say no." "I'm not worried about dancing." "But if there are people there..." "I'm sorry, I hate to be a stickler, but I need to be thorough." "Show me what you mean by you're not worried about it." "Trust me." "You know what I'm gonna do." "That's what it's all about, right there." "See how it gets bigger?" "Now I'm gonna start the fire." "But the feet are going." "I start the fire, I make the pizza." "Hips are always going." "Can't get enough hip." "From there, the Q-Tip." "Q-Tip." "Throw it away." "That's not working, hit them with this." "Don't ever... do that again." "Do you hear me?" " Just expressing myself." " No." "Not like that, you're not, all right?" "This is where you live." "Right here." "You live right here, okay?" "This is home." "None of this." "I don't wanna see none of that." "Don't need no pizza." "They got food there." "Elbows, 6 inches from the waist, 90-degree angles." "Don't you bite your lip." "Stop it." "Women relate dancing to sex, all right?" "Even a great dancer can lose it with one of these." "Okay, now that's what I need to be learning." "Can't stop it." "You cannot stop it." "Next subject." "Get out." "Thanks." "So, are you a Knicks fan?" "When they're good." " I'm really sorry." " Oh, God." "Why?" " She was there?" " I left you a bunch of messages." "My phone fell in the Hudson." "Yeah, well, it gets worse." "I don't believe this." " I thought he was a bodyguard." " I'm the only one who will need protection." " Max is gonna..." " Gonna be really irritated." "When I got the train this morning, I thought it was gonna be a good day." "Who the hell is Albert Brennaman?" " Tell me how this happened." " What?" "There were some photographers." "Does this even look like dancing to you?" "That's just a little bit of me being me." "No, that's you being a lot of something you don't need to ever be again." " It's just one dance." " No." "One dance, one look, one kiss." "That's all we get, Albert." "Just one shot to make the difference... between happily ever after and:" ""Oh, he's just some guy I went to some thing with once. "" "All right?" " What?" " You said "kiss. "" "Is that a problem?" "It's not a problem, but this is Allegra Cole." "Eight out of 10 women believe that the first kiss... will tell them everything they need to know about a relationship." "And believe me, she has definitely thought about it." " She has?" " Of course." "Not that she's gonna act on it." "So it's no real big deal." " All right, it's no big deal then." " It's a very big deal!" " Huge." " Monumental!" "You are not listening..." "I need you to wrap your head around this." "Tomorrow night, Allegra Cole... could have her last first kiss." "All right, come on, just show me what you got." " What do you mean?" " Just show me how you would kiss me." "I wouldn't kiss you." "I'm not me, I'm Allegra." "But you're really not, so..." "Okay, Albert, end of the night, you're dropping me off at home." " Show me the magic." " I'm not comfortable with this." "God, Albert, I had such a wonderful time with you." "Yeah, how about those Knicks?" "You see what I'm doing?" "This is a signal." "I'm fiddling with my keys." "A woman that doesn't want a kiss... takes her keys out, puts them in the door, goes in the house." "A woman that wants to kiss, she fiddles." "I'm fiddling." "Okay, you have a good night now..." " You see what I'm doing?" " Robbing me?" "No." "This is what most guys do." "They rush in to take the kiss." "But you're not most guys." "See, the secret to a kiss is to go 90% of the way... and then hold." " For how long?" " As long as it takes... for her to come the other 10%." "Okay, 90%-10%." "Got it." "Okay, come on." "Shake it off." "It's your turn." "I had a really nice time tonight, Albert." "I had a great time tonight, too, Allegra... with a beard." "What's up?" " I'm not feeling it." " What do you mean?" "I came 90%." "I'm not feeling like you want it." "Look, I'm Allegra Cole, the woman of your dreams." "The woman whose green eyes are limpid pools of desire." "Now, show me the magic, Albert." " What the hell was that?" " I'm showing you the magic!" "No, I said come 90% and then I come 10%!" "You don't go the whole 100%!" "My mouth was open, Albert." "You overeager son of a..." "Other than that, how was it?" "They came together, they danced together, and they left together." "He's cute, in a sheepdog kind of way." "For all I know, he's adorable." "But him dating her is..." "You seem stressed." "You and I had an understanding." "If you invite Allegra, you're supposed to call me." "I didn't invite her." "Honestly, sweetie, I thought she was still in Europe." " So you invited Albert?" " No." "Look, it says here the tickets went to some guy named Alex Hitchens." "What?" "Machine." "Hi, it's Sara." "I just wanted to say thank you... for an unforgettable experience... the other day." "And if you ever want to see your shirt again... you can come by the Fulton Fish Market tonight, around 8:00." "Okay, bye." " Do you think he'll show?" " Yeah." "He's too much of a player to have a bad date on his record." "Is this a source or a date?" "A source." "Well, it sounded like a date." "Well, it was supposed to." "So it looks like a date and it sounds like a date..." " but it's not a date." " Yeah." "Right." "Just checking." "Hi." "I wasn't sure you got my message." "I wasn't sure you called the right guy." "You must be a glutton for punishment." "Either that or I really wanna pay you back." "I think this is yours." "Thank you." "I'm gonna frame this for my wall of shame." "Really?" "There's a whole wall?"