"Chief:" "Your husband served the cause of CONTROL well." "He always conducted himself with honor." "Your husband served the cause of KAOS well." "He always conducted himself with dishonor." "Oh, Max, the funeral of a double agent is a sad thing." "Yes, particularly in this case." "Johann was working for both KAOS and CONTROL." "Now part of him is up there, and part of him is down there." "One of our loveliest cooperative funerals." "I suppose the same arrangement still holds?" " Oh yes." "You pay 40% and we pay 60% ." " Fine." " The truce, then, is still in effect." " Yes." "Can I drop you off at your secret headquarters?" "I wouldn't want you to go to any trouble." "There's no trouble, Chief." "Their secret headquarters are right on the way to our secret headquarters." "Thank you." "Wait a minute!" "Hold it right where you are, everybody." "Get away from that car." "Come on, out!" "Exactly what is this all about, Mr. Smart?" "Just be quiet and get over there, all of you." "Now, gentlemen, I have reason to believe that a bomb has been attached to this starter." " What?" "!" " Yes, Chief." "It's really quite simple." "You see those two leaves on the windshield?" "Somebody obviously lifted up this hood forcing those two leaves to slide back on the windshield." "Max, put the gun away and come over here, please." " But, Chief" " Put it away and come here!" "Get in, gentlemen, and start the car." "Mr. Smart, ours is a careful organization." "All KAOS cars are equipped with a device which prevents the hood from being lifted until the ignition key is turned to release it." "Well, Max?" "( engine starts, explosion )" "Max, you saved the Chief's life!" "You were right about the leaves." "Of course I was right about the leaves, 99." "In my observation of nature, I have found that no two leaves can fall from the same tree and land in exactly the same place." "What I don't understand is who would put the bomb in the engine?" "They must have known I'd be riding with you." "Who'd want to kill the KAOS Chief and the CONTROL Chief at the same time?" "And who would commit the brutal murder of a double agent?" "It's a senseless atrocity." "Max:" "Wait a minute, 99." "Atrocities, cruelties and brutalities." "The thing that we feared for so long has finally come to pass." "What's that, Max?" "A.C.B.-- the third spy network." "( theme music playing )" "( tires screech )" "Assuming there is a third spy network, who's behind it?" "A former KAOS agent named Kubacheck." "He quit KAOS two years ago when he was refused a promotion." "He tried to join our side, but we refused him, and he vowed to destroy both KAOS and CONTROL." "That's terrible, Chief." "How are we going to stop Kubacheck?" "I have a plan, but you'll need help." "The only available agents are the two new recruits." "Which would you rather work with," "Samuels or Wu-Fong?" "I think we'd better work with Wu-Fong, Chief." " Why?" " Well..." "I'm a little rusty on my Mandarin Chinese, and I may have to chase Kubacheck into the Orient." "Oh, all right." " Larrabee?" " Yes, sir?" "Send in Wu-Fong." "What do you say, man?" "You're Wu-Fong?" "No, man, Wu-Fong is down with a case of American flu." "Chief:" "All right, everybody sit down, we have work to do." "Samuels:" "Yeah, man, how do we catch this Kubacheck cat?" "It's really quite simple, Samuels." "Find a man who looks like that and you have found Mr. Kubacheck." "I wish it were that easy, Max, but Kubacheck also looks like this... and like this... and like this." "All of those are Kubacheck, Chief?" "They must be putting us on." "No, 99, it's plastic surgery." "And since Kubacheck has dropped out of sight again," "I assume he's used it again." "Then it's going to be impossible to identify him." "Kubacheck is a ping-pong fanatic." "He plays equally well with his left hand or his right hand." "He's only been beaten once, and that time, by the legendary Masked Marvel." "He hates The Masked Marvel, and he might just come out in the open for a chance to get back at him." "Then what we have to do is to get The Masked Marvel to issue a challenge." "No, it's too risky, Max." "Kubacheck might kill him." "Now we've got to set up a decoy Masked Marvel." "And you're the one agent who is the right size to pass for him with a mask on." "How do I fit in, Chief?" "Your file says that you also play ping-pong well, 99." "You two will make a world ping-pong exhibition tour and smoke Kubacheck out." "I get it, Chief." "We'll be sort of table-tennis bums." "But what about Samuels here?" "Three-handed ping-pong is a little tricky." "Samuels will go along as your trainer." "He'll protect you while you're playing." "Is that right, Samuels?" "( stammers ) Yeah, well, you know, in the words of that great American patriot, Calvin Coolidge..." ""Sure."" "Chief, are you sure we can't get Wu-Fong?" "Before you begin training I want to show you some special equipment." "I know what this is." "It's an ordinary ping-pong paddle." "Not quite, Max." "Press the button." "( whirrs ) it's a shortwave radio, so you can contact me from anyplace in the world." "Precisely." "What'll they think of next?" "I'm glad you asked that, Samuels." "Next we have some miniature hand grenades." "Yes, very cleverly disguised as ordinary ping-pong balls." "Those are ordinary ping-pong balls, Max." "These are the miniature hand grenades." "Exactly." "What about the rest of these paddles, Chief?" "They're all equipped with built-in guns to afford you some kind of protection while you're playing." "Well, that's about it." "Not quite, Chief." "Samuels, hand me that box." "Hey, man, come on!" "This thing weighs a ton." "What is it?" "It's a bulletproof sweater." "Now, what looks like ordinary wool is actually spun lead." "Help me on with this thing." "It's lovely, Max, but how do you play ping-pong in it?" "Very slowly." "Your tour begins in two days." "You'd better start practicing." " Hey, man." " Yeah, man?" "I mean, you know, what's happening?" "All work and no Kubacheck..." "Makes Mr. Samuels a dull boy." "No, makes the Chief question our expense account." "Yes, well it may have come to your attention, Mr. Samuels..." "What, sir?" "...that my ping-pong is becoming quite fantastic." " Yes, it is." " Who knows, but little old Mr. Kubacheck may just be afraid to play the old" " Masked Marvel with the right forehand." " Masked Marvel?" "Kimosabe." "Well, that's the way the old..." ""Ball bounces" is what you're trying to say." "Yeah, see, you said it, I didn't." "That's what your line was." "Well, look at all the cities we've gotten to see, all the places we've been." "We've even got here to little old Constantinople." "Aw, hey, man, come on now" " I mean, you know, it's Istanbul now, not Constantinople." "Now what ever made Constantinople get the works, man?" "That's nobody's business but the Turks." " The Turks, yes." "I know all about it." " Yes, it is." "Hey, man, look." "I think you just won the match." "Max:" "How about that?" "Won the little old match." " Yeah." " The Masked Marvel did it again." "Wonderful backhand you've got there, yes." "If you'll just come with me, I have a little old plan." "Now here is the plan." "I will take a shower and see you later." "Yes, Mr. Smart, that is indeed a dandy plan." " I thought it was." " I will go on ahead, and you tell the dandy plan to 99." "I will tell it to her precisely as I said." "Max, you're beginning to sound just like Samuels." "What were you two talking about?" "I haven't the faintest idea, 99, but I'm beginning to enjoy it." "By the way, your ping-pong game is getting to be fantastic." " Oh really, Max?" " Yes." "Watch it!" "You are without a doubt the worst." "What is your usual cover, anyway?" "Would you believe a Jewish song-and-dance man?" " ( knocks on door )" " Who is it?" "Woman:" "A friend, Mr. Smart." "Well, wait a minute, I'm not dressed." "If that looks like what it sounds like you'd better get out a couple of books." "Who are you and how did you know my name?" "That's what I wanted to talk to you about... alone." " Ahem" " I know, don't tell me, go to my room and read a good book." "Try "Les Misérables."" "Well, what can I do for you, Miss..." "Tamara." ""Tomorrow"?" "I thought you wanted to talk to me today." "I do." "My name is Tamara." " I'm a dancer." " Oh, well, I'm sorry." "We're not hiring any dancers today, Tamara." "Dancing is just my cover." "My partner and I are actually CONTROL agents but a man called Kubacheck wants us to defect to A.C.B." " Who is your partner?" " Tahday." " "Today"?" " Yes, Tahday." "Well what is it?" "Yesterday, today, or tomorrow?" "Tahday!" "That's our act." ""Tahday and Tamara."" "But our names will be mud if Kubacheck gets ahold of us." "He's already threatened to kill Tahday." "And Tahday can identify Kubacheck?" "No." "Tahday is supposed to go to the club tonight to defect or... or die." "And you want me to help you?" "Yes, you must come to the club tonight and save Tahday." "All right, I'll come to the club tonight." " What time tonight?" " Not tonight, today!" "The name of the club is the club "Tonight."" "Oh, yes, well..." "All right, I'll come to the club "Tonight" today to save Tahday tomorrow." "Yes, well I'll see you later, Tamara." "I mean, I'll see you today to-- you'd better get outta here." "( Turkish music playing )" "You keep your eyes on the piccolo player, I'll watch Tamara." "Hey, no, man, she's not the one who's in trouble." "Not from Kubacheck, anyway." "Kind gentlemen, lovely lady, it would please me to take your order now." "It would please us to give you our order." " The usual, 99?" " Yes, thank you." "A champagne cocktail for the lady, I'll have scotch on the rocks and... bourbon on the rocks." "Max:" "Bourbon on the rocks for my little friend here." "Very nice, very wonderful, very original." "Kubacheck has not contacted Tahday yet." "When he does, I will signal you." "How?" "Here." "What's wrong, Max?" "This is written in Mandarin Chinese." "I told you we should have brought Fong-Wu along." "It's Wu-Fong." "Fong-Wu, Wu-Fong, what's the difference?" "He should be here!" "Hey, man, come on." "I was reading Mandarin just last night in my room." "'Course this is a little close to the paper, but I think we can make it out." "All righty here." "Mm-hmm." "Just a moment, sir." "This may be his drink." "You see, sir," "I was correct." "You had the bourbon." " No, scotch on the rocks." " The scotch." "And the bourbon." "Bourbon on the rocks for my little friend." "Would you care for another round, sir?" "I certainly would." "Very good, sir." "You shall have it." "Uh-huh." "When the chick spots Kubacheck, she'll go into the dance of the seven veils." "The seven veils, huh?" "If Kubacheck sits at table one, she'll take off one veil." "If he's at table two, she'll take off two veils, and so on through the tables-- three, four..." "Both:" "Five and six." "What if he goes to table seven?" "The cops come in, and close the place down." " Close the whole place down." " Samuels:" "Yes, they do." "No, I haven't finished this one yet." "Oh." "Well, then we can't permit it to go stale, can we?" "Gentlemen... this time I believe we have success." "You sure you've got these straight now?" "( sighs )" "You see, sir, once again, I am correct." "I have failed you." "But never fear, for Allah is with me." "Well, I wonder if you'd ask Allah to bring the drinks over." "We'd like to get something going here." "( slurs ) Most as-shurem-ly." " And you had the" " Scotch on the rocks." " Bourbon on the rocks." " Yes, you did." "And the champagne cocktail for the lovely lady." "No, nothing more for me, thank you." "Listen, I hope I'm not out of line, but would you mind bringing us our drinks?" "Certainly, sir." "What-- if you'll... tell me what it was I was having." "I was having a scotch on the rocks, and my friend here was having bourbon on the rocks." "Forgive me for intruding, sir, but don't you feel that perhaps you've already had enough to drink?" "But I haven't had anything to drink." "I didn't even have a little sip" " Don't but me no buts, sir." " But you no buts?" " Answer me one question..." " Answer you a question." " ..." "If you will, briefly." " I will, briefly." " And quickly." " As quickly as I can." " Are you driving a car?" " Am I driving" "No, I'm driving a camel." " Driving a camel" " Of course I'm driving a car." "I've never been on a camel in my life." "I'd probably fall off the hump and hurt myself." "Driving a car indeed." "In that case, that's it for you." "I can't permit you" " to drive and drain." " Drive and drain." "To drain and drain, because in all cases, you must return this lovely child to her mom." "So in the words of the Maha-riji," ""No more booze for you."" "Well, I'm learning more about Mr. Kubacheck every minute." "Not only is he a liar, a traitor and a murderer, but he can't even keep an appointment." "Now is that any way to run a third spy network?" "Still no Kubacheck, Mr. Smart." "And we're off in five minutes." "Kubacheck must be here." "He's just not showing himself." "Hey, I just remembered something" "Kubacheck never could resist a brawl." "So the plan is... we start a fight, and whoever joins in is Kubacheck." "Now that is a dandy little plan." "Yes!" "I like that a lot." "Now, all we have to see is that you don't hurt yourself." "Oh, well, yeah, you're all" "All heart." "A lot of heart in here." "No, thumbs." "That-- that was cute." "That was cute!" "Sneaky, but cute, cute." "I like that." "Okay, now all you have to do is watch my right hand." "Hmm." "That must be Kubacheck." "Or maybe that's Kubacheck?" "Ow!" "Hey, man, I count four Kubachecks already." "Here comes number five!" "( gunshot )" "He's still alive, Tamara." " Who did it, Tahday?" " ( murmurs weakly )" "What did he say, Max?" "He asked me to get my knee off his chest." "Well, that tears it, 99." "Kubacheck got away again." "No!" "I saw him." "Kubacheck is-  ( gunshot )" " Max!" "Is she--?" "Yes, 99." "There's no Tamara." "Samuels, Kubacheck just left." "Did you run into him?" " Man, I ran into somebody!" " Can you describe him?" "Well, man, you know, these Turks all look alike to me." "Well, 99, you certainly picked a great time to hurt your arm." "The tournament starts in an hour!" "Who am I gonna warm up with?" "I know that, Max." "I wanna find Kubacheck as much as you do." "Well, It's not Kubacheck that I'm worried about, it's the hotel." "This tournament pays for all our expenses." "They're liable to confiscate our clothes!" " Samuels!" " Hey, baby!" "Here." "You're gonna have to warm me up." "Warm you-- hey, man, I can't play this game." "I mean, you know" "Don't worry, I'll take it easy on you." "Max, he used his right hand!" "So you're Kubacheck." "That's right." "My plastic surgeon is too much." "Well, Samuels or Kubacheck or whatever your name is, drop the paddle, I've got you covered." "Not with that you don't got me covered." " Oh no?" " ( whirrs )" "I'm a sportsman." "I'll let you pick the way you wanna die." "Oh, okay." "How about old age?" "Tell you what, we'll finish the game." "If you win, I'll release you." "That sounds fair enough." "If you lose, I kill you." "And just to make it interesting, how about $5 on the side?" "I had enough of your cornball jokes." "Serve!" "Toyed with you long enough, baby." "Game point, coming up." "Max, that's it!" "He can't return a lob." "It's all over, Kubacheck." "Care to concede?" "Never!" "Well, that does it, Kubacheck." "Now if you'll excuse us, we'll just" "Not on your life." "Wait a minute, Kubacheck." "You said if I beat you, you'd release us." " I lied." " All right, Kubacheck, drop it." "Chief!" "With all the defections to A.C.B.," "I was the only CONTROL agent I was sure I could trust." "I've been following you since the start." "The old Chief-in-the-brown-beard- and-wig trick!" "Well, I guess that just about wraps it up, Kubacheck." "( gasps )" "All right, drop it!" "All right, let's go." "You three sure you won't change your minds and join my third spy network A.C.B.?" "Not a chance, Samuels." "Kinda hate to do you in." "We did have some kicks." "Maybe we should take a vote on it." "You know, try 13 weeks and" "Max!" "He's a vicious killer and a traitor!" "That's our final decision, Kubacheck!" "You can go ahead and shoot now if you want to." "What I had in mind was your idea." "I rigged a small grenade in this ping-pong ball." "Well, that's it." "As George Washington said in his farewell to his troops..." ""Farewell, troops!"" "Duck!" "Max!" "Brilliant return." "How did you do it?" "It was really quite simple, 99." "I just took the racket, flicked my wrist, and aimed for that window over there." "( theme music playing )"