" Oh, man." "Come on." " I'm telling you, leaving Mom alone in our apartment every afternoon is a bad idea." "Well, until you teach Emma to order in Chinese, somebody's got to feed her." "Don't worry, you won't even know Mom was here." "Too late." "Yesterday, she found time to go through my nightstand and tidy up my protection center." "Your mom organized your love drawer?" "Mom has this thing about boundaries." "She has none." "So, Captain Action," "How much longer do you think your new lady friend is gonna be in the shower?" "Okay, if I'm late, Vanessa will have my head in a jar." "Really?" "Just your head?" "I thought the plan was to break up with Vanessa?" "I tried." "Not using actual words, but..." "Man, I did think it really hard though." "Mom also baby-proofed all the cabinets." "I'm telling you-- bad idea." "But we need her to watch Emma, so we're gonna have to make some adjustments." "Good morning." "Oh, like remembering to wear pants." "So how did my baby sleep?" "Pretty good." "I meant Emma." "How did she get in here?" "Oh, thanks for the key, honey." "It's gonna make this so much easier." "You gave her a key?" "She gave me life." "But yeah, I probably shouldn't have done that." " No." "♪ It's amazing how the unexpected ♪" "♪ can take your life and change directions. ♪" "What is the matter with you?" "You can't give Mom a key to our apartment." "That means she can whenever she wants and do whatever-- Mom, where you going?" " To wash my hands." " Oh, use the kitchen." "Why?" "What's wrong with the bathroom?" "We're having some trouble with the door, it's stuck." "Mom, you're not supposed to be here for another five hours." "Oh, I know." "I'm sorry, but Emma and I had so much fun yesterday, that I signed us up for a "Grandma and Me" class." "Well, actually it's a "Mommy and Me" class, but come on, I mean, huh, aah." "And today it is ballerina tutu day." "Oh, this just reminds me of how badly I wanted a little girl." "Mm." "I swear, I must have cried for two days after I saw your penis on the ultrasound." "Really has no boundaries." "Granted, you really had to look for it, but once I found it, you know, it's..." "Still working on the door." "Maybe I'll just go hose off out back." "Okay." " You know, Mom..." " Oh." "...the mornings are kind of my only time with Emma." "I told her that we were gonna go to the park and" "Well, honey, she's a baby." "She doesn't even know what a park is." "Mom." "You don't have to say it." "You're welcome." "I just know if we all pull together, we will do right by that little girl." "Now where is my little pumpkin?" "Oh, and, Danny?" "Let that poor woman out of the bathroom." "I think Emma's a little young to see her first Booty call." "And here's another good thing about having Mom watch Emma-- more bro time." "Get the key." "Who's the nozzle talking to Riley?" "Law school buddy." "They've been hitting the books pretty hard lately." "Looks like he's interested in hitting more than the books." "You think?" "Well, good for Riley, right?" "Wrong." "Thank you, counselor." "I look forward to our next sidebar." "I wouldn't object to that." "Ooh." "Oh, hey, Danny." "Hey." "Uh, you just missed my friend, Jack." "I've been tutoring him." "In what?" "Blushing, flirting, hair flipping?" "Okay." "It's a lot harder than it looks." "He's kind of cute, right?" "That isn't really the kind of guy you like, is it?" "Fancy-ass lawyer wannabe?" "Well, since smooth-talking bartenders don't really seem to be interested-- yeah, I'm looking elsewhere." "Then maybe you should keep looking." "Why do you care if I like Jack?" "I don't care." "Why would I care?" "But maybe someone else cares." "And what kind of message is that to send them?" "Those people who care." "Okay." "Well, I'll, uh, keep that in mind." "Thanks." "Would any of those people who care happen to be in this bar?" "Maybe." "So you're saying that this person might actually be interested?" "He might be." "So I should stop flirting with Jack?" "That one's a definite yes." "Message received." "Thank you, Danny." " Oh, hey, Tuck." " Oh, hey." "How long were you there?" "Long enough." "Okay." "So..." "I'm curious." "See, I'm pretty sure that Ben's not really into Riley, so I wonder who at this bar is?" "It could be anyone." "Anyone?" " Quit smiling." " Oh, I don't think" "I'm ever going to quit smiling." "Really?" "Again?" "You know, you might have a better shot with Riley if you didn't offer free showers to every girl on the Lower East Side." "For the 100th time, I don't like Riley." "And whoever's in there, she isn't mine." "Who's got Emma?" "Good morning." "Oh!" "Pajamas-- got to get me some." " Did you spend the night?" " Oh, don't be silly." "I just know how early Emma wakes up, so I thought you might like to sleep in." "Oh, and the drain's a little backed up." "Sorry." "I think some of my extensions might have come out." "Oh, well, I better go pull them out of the drain before Ben gives them a key, too." "And I'm late for the rink." "Coach wants me to practice" " some of my key moves." " Subtle." "So, Mom, you're here awfully early." " Again." " Well, I have to be." "You've seen the line for this shower." "Well, I really didn't get to see her before she went to bed last night and-- isn't it great she's on a schedule?" "Oh, terrific." "But since I work in the afternoons, when you oh so graciously offered to watch her for that oh so brief window of time," "I assumed I'd see her in the mornings." "And now you've got your mornings free." "Oh!" "How I wish I had a me when I was raising you." "Oh." "And I wish I had a you that could take a hint." "Did you say something, honey?" " Oh, no, Mom." "No." " Okay." "And finally my day gets a little brighter." "Oh, thank you." " Is something wrong?" " No, just my mom." " Are you meeting Jack?" " No." "Why?" "Oh, you look a little dressed up." "Three hours every other afternoon, that's all I needed." "Do you think that I'm going out with Jack?" " Because I'm not." " Oh, too bad." "I have her a key, and now she's practically moved in." " Why too bad?" " Oh, I just thought you guys looked good together." "And I never get to see Emma." "So you're saying I should go out with Jack?" "Why not?" "That's what I told Danny." "That's what you told Danny?" "Yeah, but I can't talk to her." "I've never been able to talk to her." "But I have no choice." "I just have to sit her down and lay out some boundaries, right?" "Not right." "Why would he do that?" " Who?" " Danny." "I meant my mom." "So do you think I should talk to her tonight?" "You can't." "She has book club." "Yes, my palms are starting to sweat." "So just so we're clear, you have no issues with me throwing myself at Jack?" "Actually sounds like a pretty good idea." "Most guys are fairly clueless." "Yeah." "I'm getting that." "Hey, look, I know the last few days have been a little rough, so I hope this free pony keg from the beer guy and some slightly-expired meat from the bar kitchen will let you know how truly sorry I am." "Hey, I'm just glad you got rid of Mom." "Wish I could have heard that go down." "You did talk to her, right?" "How good do those steaks smell?" "Like they're trying to change thsubject." "Well..." "I can't believe you can't stand up to your own mother." "Oh, g-- can we not go five minutes without talking?" "Hey, Vanessa." "Oh, I miss you, too." "Tucker's right, bro." "Does that minivan look familiar to you?" "Mom!" "Go!" " Oh!" " Okay." "Ah!" " Get the bag!" " Okay." "Right." "Emma!" "Look what your grandma brought you." "It's a bunny the size of your daddy's roommate." " Hi." " Oh, thank God you're home." "No phone, no wallet-- we really had nowhere else to go." "What's going on?" "Is everything okay?" "No." "Mom showed up again." "She's got to learn that she can't just barge in unannounced and ruin our evening." "Oh." "So you're teaching her a lesson by barging in unannounced and ruining my evening." "Exactly." "No, I mean..." "It's not like you had any plans, right?" "Hey, what's with the wine?" "And the candles?" "And the cleavage?" "Oh, hey." "Jack-- Jack Parker." " I go to school with" " And the man in your bathroom?" "Jack, Danny." "Danny, Jack." "Jack, Ben." "Ben, Jack." "They're just old friends who stopped by to show off their new baby." "Yeah, you're such a cute baby." "Okay, thanks so much, bye." " Bye." " So you threw yourself at him, after all, huh?" "Glad to see you took my advice." "You're welcome, counselor." "Don't pay attention to anything that Ben says, because he's crazy." "New baby, doesn't get a lot of sleep, you know." "Here." "Here, have some cheese." "Wine and cheese?" "Are you coming on to me?" "Stand by." "Did you hear that?" "Hmm?" "Ben's advice?" "Hey, man." "Really sorry for messing up the obligatory small talk portion of the evening, but..." "I just gotta change a diaper." "And feed her." "Don't forget we need to feed her." "Is that okay?" "Fine." "Just be quick please." "You won't even know we're here." "This is exactly why I need to be here." "I'm gone for two seconds, and they've got Emma out past her bedtime." "God knows where, doing God knows what?" ""Hi, Ben."" "I'm trapped with your mom." "Where are you?" "I hate you." ""Call me."" "Do you expect me to believe that you don't know where they are?" "Know how you can tell?" "If I did, I'd be with them." "Well, until you dig up some information, it's just you, me and the clock." "Tick, tock, Tucker." "Wow." "Really wish I could hang around, but you know what?" "I was just on the phone with Vanessa before you got here-- which is totally true." "And, um, she said she'd like me to come on over, so-- haven't you broken up with her yet?" " How do you know about" " Oh, everyone knows." "Well, maybe I'll do it tonight." "Let me give you a little advice, tuck-a-doodle-do." "All women really want to hear is the truth." "We can take it." "We're tough." "Look at me." "You can tell me anything." " I still don't know where they are." " Oh!" "As soon as she wakes up, we're out of here, I swear." "Oh, well, what are we waiting for?" "Wake her up." "How was I supposed to know you were on a date?" "Oh, I'm sorry." "Next time I'll put a sock on the door." "So, you and Riley-- what's that about?" "Nothing yet, but she's smart, and funny." "And obviously very attractive." "Well, you should have seen her in high school." "She was ginormous." "Hey, Riles?" "You got a copy of your yearbook around here?" "I don't think so." "What is the matter with you?" "I'm just checking him out to make sure he's good enough for you." "Well, how about I do the inspection and get back to you?" "Look." "I know you're terrified of talking to your mom, but just be honest." "Tell her the truth." "That's really all any girl wants to hear." "I was kind of afraid to tell you this, but Emma threw up on your comforter." "No-- no, V-Baby." "I'm just saying, I think we need to talk." "Yeah." "Okay." "No no no, I'm just-- no no." "We've just been really-  if you could just let me speak" " Oh, for the love of God, give me that." "Vanessa, honey?" "Hi, Bonnie Wheeler-- Ben and Danny's mom." "Real quick" " Tucker is breaking up with you." "Bye-bye." "Done." "What did you ju" "Oh my God, I can't believe you ju" "You did it." "I'm free." "That was amazing!" "I know." "And who said having you around was a bad idea?" "Oh, man." "I don't know, Tucker." "Who did?" "You know, track isn't a real sport, right?" "Well, I've got a wall full of ribbons that beg to differ." "Ribbons." "Do you keep them next to your headbands and scrunchies?" "♪ Danny, stop talking. ♪" "I wish there was a way to find out if she's still there." "There is-- go home." "No, that sounds a little risky." "All right." "Let me put this for you another way-- get out of my apartment and go talk to your mom." "You know, what, um." " I should probably go." " You don't even know our mom." "You know what, Jack?" "That is a good idea." "You should go." "Ouch." "Don't know how much clearer that could be." "Sorry it didn't work out between you two." "I meant I'm going with him." "So, uh, just lock the door when you leave." "All right?" "Bye." "He seemed nice." "I can't believe that's all I had to do." ""Hey-yo, Vanessa." "It's over." Click." ""Don't call me 'cause I so won't" ""be calling you." Click." "Did they really say that they don't want me around?" "Who cares what they said?" "In my book you are awesome." "Oh, it's Vanessa!" "What have you done, woman!" "Look, I'm not here." " Hey." " Oh." "Hi, Riley." "Officer." "Your sons and Emma are in my apartment hiding out." "So maybe you can settle this so I can have my place back?" "They're hiding out?" "From me?" "Oh." "Well, I think they're about to be found." "Care for a retrial, counselor?" "Permission to approach the bench." "Mom, please." "I can explain." "All right, go ahead." "No?" "Didn't think so." "Are you just giving keys to everyone now?" "What are you doing?" "Just trying out the worst date ever." "Oh, look, it's working." "Where were you guys?" "Tucker?" "How long have you been there?" "Long enough." "I'll put Emma to bed, and then you can all return to your regularly scheduled depravity." "I can put her down." "Oh." "Oh, right." "Don't need grandma's help any more." " I get it." " No, Mom." "That's not what I'm saying." "Then what are you saying?" "Ben, just tell your mom how you feel." "Danny?" "Tucker?" "Oh, we're actually cool." "Okay, well, this is going nowhere, so, uh, let's try something different." "All right, gather around." "Okay." "Well, this is something we just learned in our mediation class for settling disputes." "I just need to find something to use as a truth totem." "We didn't learn that in mediation." "Okay, so I learned it at fat camp." " Fat camp?" " Told you." "All right." "This will be our truth rattle." "Or not." "All right." "Um, so whoever's holding the truth baby has to tell the truth." "And since Ben is conveniently holding our totem, Ben?" "Oh, for crying out loud, just spit it out." "You can tell me anything." "You're overbearing and rude, and I want my key and my baby back." "Wow." "No one was ever that truthful at fat camp." "Mom, wait!" " Ow." " Good." "What?" "First you throw me out, and now you lock me in?" "Make up your mind, Ben." "Mom, please." "Look, I know I should have just told you the truth from the beginning." "That you don't want me around?" "No, you don't understand." "We just need some space." "We have our guy stuff that we like to do." "Like sit around in your underwear playing videogames while strange women flounce in and out?" "So you do understand." "I'm annoyed because everyone keeps forgetting that this is my apartment." "And would it kill you to refill" " an ice cube tray?" " That all you got?" "My big list is in the other room." "Okay." "All right." "Come here." "Truth-- my friends are idiots and I really wish we could start tonight over." "Not idiots, just suspicious." "I truly don't trust this guy." "Danny's right." "I lied." "I didn't really need tutoring." "I just wanted to get to know you better." "I kind of knew that." "Wait." "He wasn't holding the baby." "Mom, you know I couldn't do this without you, but I need to be the one raising Emma." "I need help, not a replacement." "Is that what you think?" "I never meant to replace you." "I just came to the city every day and spent every moment with Emma and did all the things with her that you probably wanted to do with her." "Basically replacing you." "Yeah, that's what I was doing." "Oh, Ben, I'm so sorry." "It's okay." "We just need to set some boundaries." "It was like in high school when you had to learn to knock before you came into my room." "Well, you only gotta walk in on that 10 or 12 times before you learn your lesson." "I guess I should give you this back." "You already made a copy, didn't you?" "Oh, my baby knows me so well." "Really, Riley?" "Get a room." "Believe me, we are trying." "Finger tracks in the peanut butter." "Toenails on the floor." "Two words" "Hairy soap." "Okay." " Can we be done?" " Oh yeah, sure." "We can be done-- if you want to start talking about Riley." " Continue." " Exactly." "Okay." "Using towels as bathmats, using bathmats as towels, taking any of my shampoos, conditioners, ointments, lotions, powders or pomades." "Okay?" "Muddy shoes." "Sweaty gym bags." "And never having your own gum." " Is that it?" " What do you think?" "No."