"Ugh." "What is this?" " Cantaloupe, ma'am." " It's ice cold." "I'm terribly sorry, ma'am." "I'll get you another." "And what will you do with this?" "Hm?" "What will you do with this one?" "I--l" " I'm not sure, ma'am." "Throw it out, ma'am?" "Did you pay for it?" " Just get out." " Yes, Miss Duke." " Don't come back." " Ma'am?" "You're fired." " Now you're fired." " Yes, ma'am." "Hello?" "Uh, I have a 2:00 appointment." "The name is Lafferty." "Bernard." "That's it there." "If they don't have figs, well then just get apricot." "If they don't have apricots, get whatever's in season." "If they don't have anything in season, go wherever it is in season." "I'll take that sherry now, thank you very much." "There's enough dried up things in this house without adding fruit to the whole" "Get me my sherry." "Good evening, Miss Duke." "Ma'am?" "Who the hell are you?" "I'm here about the job, from the agency." "Here, these are my references." " Get me a sherry." " Yes, ma'am." "Excuse me, ma'am, there's something..." " New butler." " Ma'am?" " You don't leave until I tell you to." " Yes, ma'am." "Oh, you can go." "Ah, you." "Come." " Right there." " Yes, Miss Duke." " Just here?" " Yes." " Will that be all, ma'am?" " Yes." "Wait, who the hell are you, anyway?" "Lafferty." "I assume you have credentials?" "Here." ""Elizabeth Taylor, Peggy Lee..."" "What, you have a thing for entertainers, Mr. Rafferty?" "Lafferty." "Beg your pardon, Miss Duke, it's Lafferty with an "L."" "It says that you haven't worked for six months." "I had a-- a wee health problem." "Drugs or alcohol?" "Um..." "I assume it's under control?" "I assure it's all in the past now." "Right." "Well, Mr. Rafferty, I really don't care what you do on your own time, just don't let me catch you drinking my wine." "Yes, ma'am." "Thanks, Miss Duke." "I've seen this attitude before, believe me." ""Oh, she'll never know that these olives had fur growing on them." "Let's just clean them off and put them in her martini."" "Well, here's the news" "ladies and gentlemen, from now on, I am Miss Duke's eyes and ears." "I am the enforcer of standards." "And if this household has not met those standards by the end of the week, then I'll be making a few changes." "Do I make myself clear?" "Ahem." "Right then, let's get this place cleaned up." "Thank you." "Uh, Nancy?" " Not good." " Yes, sir." "Come on, baby, get back here." "Ben, where are you?" "I'm missing you." "Good morning, sir." " Rafferty?" " Good morning, Miss Duke." "Uh, the new gardener, what's his name?" "His name is Patrick, ma'am." " Is he married?" " I don't believe so." "What's his sexual orientation?" "I'm afraid I don't know." "Well, have him wash his hands and come up." "You haven't forgotten the appointment at 1 :00, have you, ma'am?" "Pick something out for me to wear." "Of course, ma'am." "That would be Patrick first, then the outfit." "Yes." "$150,000 to the Duke University Primate Center." "$300,000 to the Foundation for Southeast Asian Art and Culture." "Fine." "Right." "Oh, incidentally..." "Vice President Bush wants to honor you at his next fundraiser." "I think you should consider it." "Oh, that's sweet." "Just tell him my dance card is full." " Thanks." " I'll convey your regrets." "Tom, why don't you tell us how her portfolio is doing?" "I know how my portfolio is doing, thank you." "I'm interested in computer technology." "That seems hot, really hot." "So buy Intel, buy Microsoft, maybe Apple?" "I don't know, buy all three." "Come in." "Good morning, Miss Duke." "I have your breakfast." "Would you prefer it in the bedroom or...?" "Oh, just put it right there." "Is madam going somewhere?" "She most certainly is." "May I pack you a bag?" "Yes, you may." "Right, ma'am." "Um, will it be the Vuitton?" "Smaller." "How about this little one here?" "That's fine." "And you could put in... three bed jackets, three nightgowns, my gold slippers." "My smalls are right here." "And the Agatha Christie, wherever that is." "Might it be in the bedroom?" "I hope so." "Guess I'll go..." "Here it is." "Oh, it's great, you have the complete Miss Marple collection." "I love it." "A little help with this necklace." "It's a beautiful piece." "Yes, it is." "If I may be permitted, ma'am, I just..." "Yes?" "That was a lovely performance." " What are you talking about?" " At the board meeting." "Oh." "Simply the flatness of the landscape." "It-- it was extremely flat, yes." "Those men can't help it if they live in a world of beige." "But you don't, do you?" " What's that, ma'am?" " Live in a world of beige." "Well, I live in other people's worlds, so if their world is beige, then I suppose that-  that my world is beige." " Mm-hm." "Hm." "Why all of a sudden the Deco coffee pot?" "Well, l" "I prefer the Cristoff." "Well, it-- it won't happen again, ma'am." " I'm sorry." " I'm sure." "Send the Aubusson back to Newport." " It looks dreadful here." " I will, ma'am." "Make sure they're not drinking my booze." "And I want him gone by the time I get back." "Right." "Have a safe trip, ma'am." "Good day, sir." "Mr. Lafferty?" "Mr. Lafferty?" "It's ours, we bought it." " Yes." " Oh sure, I know." " Would you like some?" " No, thanks." "I'm good, thanks." "It's good." "It's from Argentina." " Oh-- great." " Yes." " Very good." " Miss Duke, she like to drink." " Oh..." " All the time." "I'm sure she does." "Thanks." " Is she okay?" " No." "Miss Duke?" "Get me a damn drink, will you, please?" "Yes, ma'am." "Can I help you up?" "Um..." "God damn it." "Crooks, you know?" "Said it was gonna be three days, maybe four tops." "It's only a lousy nip and tuck." " I wouldn't do that." " All of a sudden tonight she says to me, "No, I think you should stay another week."" " I think you should sit down." " God." "Ma'am, I wouldn't do that." ""It's not as if money is an issue," she says." "Mm!" "Money has been an issue my entire fucking life." "I think I should take a look at that." "She's one of those Nurse Ratched types, you know?" "The Nazi in the white sneakers." "You know what I did?" "I just hit her, pow!" "Right in the ear." " Give me another drink." " I think you should come upstairs." "No, just, I want another drink." "Ma'am, I think you should rest." "Just give me the goddamn bottle!" " For Christ's sakes." " I think you should" "Will you get off of me?" "That wasn't very nice, was it?" "I'm sorry." "Rafferty, I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." "No, it's okay, it's okay." "I just, you know, sometimes I just" " I lose control, you know?" " It's okay, Miss Duke." "I know." "Rafferty?" "Ma'am?" "My face really hurts." "I can see that." "It really hurts." " You should get some rest." " I'm just gonna take..." "No, I don't think you should" "Miss Duke, I don't think you should" "Ma'am." "I don't think you should be drinking with these, ma'am." "Whoops." "Would you please...?" "Let's get you upstairs." " I have an extra one." "Do you want this?" " I'm good for now." "Oh God, I should call the clinic and tell them that I'm still alive." "You mean you didn't tell them that you were leaving?" "Well, not in so many words." "I mean, I left rather abruptly." " I think I should call them then." " Mm." "Look, don't apologize to anybody, understand?" "Eva Braun, she really deserves it." "And I'm not going back." "Yes, let's get you into bed now and get some rest." " Oh wait a minute, shoes." " Okay." "There we go." "Allow me just to..." "there you go." " Just get the clothes out of the way." " Oh God." "It's a tragedy." "I'm telling you, Rafferty," "I've spent millions, literally, millions." "Look at these suitcases under my eyes-- look at this." "Come here, look at this." "This is time catching up with me." "I" " I can't see anything there, ma'am." "Oh, your eyes-- are they blue or grey?" "Uh, they're-- they're blue-grey, I think." "Oh, wow." " Oh." " You should go to sleep." "Go to sleep, ma'am." " Oh." " Are you gonna be warm enough there?" " Ma'am?" " Yeah, sit down right here." "Uh, I'll sit here and then I can get you what you need." "No, come back here." "What are you doing?" "Get your ass over here." "Sit down." "Oh." "Um, ma'am, I..." "You should have some water here." "Okay." "Just take a wee sip there." "That's it." "That's water." "It is, ma'am." "Ah." " Dehydrated otherwise." " Mm." "There." "Okay." "Mm." "You should get into the bed." "Ma'am." " Oh." " There you are." "Are you warm enough there, Miss Duke?" "Oh yeah, I'm... yeah." "Still a little confusing." "Who's that?" "Let me-- let me just slip that out." "Mm." "See?" "We have a wee temperature of just over 99." "Just take these now." "What is that?" "Antibiotics." "What I need now is the strongest pain pill known to man." "Okay, but take these first." "I remember leaving the clinic." "I-- l... remember being in the car." "But you know, it's like a jigsaw puzzle put together in my head." "And l-- I remember taking a drink." "A drink or two, plus a few painkillers." "Oh." "Lafferty, did we fuck last night?" "No, ma'am." "I don't know if you fitted the nurse piece into your jigsaw puzzle." "Oh, shit." "I'm gonna get sued again." "No no no, I called the clinic this morning." "I explained that you had a bad reaction to the medication." "I told them that you regretted the incident." "And I hope you don't mind, but I took the liberty of sending the nurse some flowers and a wee gift certificate." "For how much?" " $5,000." " Jesus." "All concerned agreed that the matter is now completely closed." "Bet she spends it all on Nazi memorabilia." "That's good." "Well done." "Will that be all, Miss Duke?" "Yeah." "Mmm." "Oh, but, Lafferty, your outfit..." " Yes, ma'am?" " Um... well, you look like a goddamn undertaker." "I mean, you think you could lighten up a little bit?" "Of course." "I'll do that." "Miss Duke?" "Can I help you, ma'am?" "Yes, you can start on that." "My babies have outgrown their pots and I'm going to repot them all." "Right you are." " This one here, is it?" " This one." "Right here." "Take that out... and then you'll cut it in half." " Take it out?" " Mm-hm." "Here, let me help you." "There." " Okay, now try." " Okay." "You loosened-- loosened it up." "Mm-hm." " There we go." " That's it, that's it." " And get your knife." " All right." "And don't-- here, put it in the alcohol first." "Just one infected bulb and they'll all go." " That's it." " In half?" "Mm-hm." "Tough little creatures, huh?" "And then any of the bulbs that don't have leaves, you're gonna get rid of." "All right." "Then you can fill it up and you can clip off the excess dried roots." "You can see which ones they are with this." "I" " I worked in a flower nursery some time ago for a while." "And if I may say so, Miss Duke, you have one hell of a collection of orchids." "Yes." "This is my newest baby." "All the way from Brazil." "It doesn't look like much now, but wait until you see it in bloom." "You know, my daddy... he loved orchids." "And when he died, they put a mountain of 'em around his-- his casket." "Must have been $25,000 worth." "I still remember the way that church smelled." "Gonna need you to go to the bank for me tomorrow" " and get some cash." " Yes, ma'am." "I'll call them in the morning." "What's your name?" "I'll need to tell them." " Lafferty." " Your first name." "Bernard." "Mm." "I'm going away for a while and I've decided to take you with me." " Ma'am?" " Yes, you." "Yes, ma'am." "Now cut it-- use the knife." "Uh-- dup-up!" "Dip it in the alcohol first." "We'll take it when I get back, all right, sweetie?" "You told me that the last time you went away." " Did I say that, really?" " You said that, really." "I'm so bad." " You really are." " Did you go to the bank?" "Ah, and you counted it?" "Here you go." " Thank you." " You're welcome." "So you're getting ready to leave town already?" "I am." "So I was thinking... maybe-- maybe I could hang out here for a while..." " No no." "...while you're gone." " What do you mean, no?" " No." "No way." "All these rooms just sitting here empty?" "The rooms will be fine." "I just hate to see this whole house sitting here empty." "Oh, it's so sad." "No." "Don't take it personally." " I am taking it personally." " Of course you are." " Whatever." " Oh, "whatever."" "Oh, you're sulking now." " Am I sulking?" " You're sulking." " I'm not sulking." " Yes you are." "Come on-- oh yes you are." "Yes you are." "Come on, don't sulk." "I'm not sulking." "Don't be mad." "It's nothing." " I'm not sulking." " Yes you are." "Make sure that these boxes are secured, please." "No, be careful with these." "Please lass, thank you." "How do you like living in my world so far, Bernard?" "I like it very much." "Who wouldn't?" "Let me see your palm." " You're right-handed." " I am." "So this is what you're born with, this is what you become." "You have a-- oh, an old soul with a double heart line, and all these little things coming off" " are unhealthy relationships." " Is that right?" "Am I right?" "Is that an unhealthy relationship?" "I don't know, is it?" "I mean, I've had a few... unhealthy relationships." "Uh-huh." "And this is a very unusual line." "See, I have that also." "That's your fate line." "That means that very extraordinary things will cross your path, and you have to be alert or they'll just pass you by." "Oh." "And... yeah, well, what is your star sign?" "That's never been my scene." "Uh, Aries, is it?" "When's your birthday?" "14th of April." "14th of April, that's Aries." "So you are an instigator, you start things." "You're-- well, you hit a wall, you get right back up again and then hit the same wall again." "Uh, sounds familiar." "And-- really?" "So that does sound familiar?" "Uh, I like to do embroidery." "Uh, call Vincent and tell him that I don't want him to exercise the dogs until we get there." "Have him check the surf report." "You haven't lived until you've surfed the tube in the bay." "You brought swim trunks, I assume?" "No, ma'am, I can't swim." "Well then, put that down-- "Swimming lessons for Lafferty."" "Ma'am, I don't think that will be necessary." "No just-- I'm serious, write it down." " Sure." " Put it on the list." "Memo to staff" "Miss Duke and I shall remain in Hawaii for another three months." "I shall be supervising the renovation of the swimming pool, the tennis courts and pergola." "In our absence, see that all silver is polished and carefully sorted." "Miss Duke's personal tea service needs special attention." "Memo to staff-- we arrive at Falcon's Lair on Tuesday and we expect to leave for Sri Lanka the following week." "Miss Duke and I shall be traveling through the Far East for the next six months." "Oh, be careful, be careful, be careful." "Very gently get her into the house." "Bernard?" "Would you like to join with us?" "No, thanks." "Bernard's a little wary of new experiences." "It took me months to convince him to pierce his ear." "Shall we have some lunch?" "Are you comfortable there, Swami?" "Okay." "Doris was given tons of money to restore all these houses in Newport." "She did a great job." "Thanks." "What I love about Newport" "Wait, how many houses do you have?" "Doesn't matter." "But what I love is the weather." "It's got rain and snow and rain lashing against the rocks." " lncredible storms." " It rains twice a year-- once for six months, once for five months." "That's really good, Lafferty." "That is so funny." "Very good." "Here, have a-- have a little hit." " A little hit?" " Mm-hm." " Should I do that?" " Absolutely, you should." "One big suck." "Getting high with the help." "How democratic." "Get enough there?" "Thank you very much." " Thank you." " Thank you." "Uh, so, what were you doing in Calcutta anyway?" "You know, I really" " I didn't have the faintest idea until I met Swami." "He was in a cave for 25 years." "He was praying." "Praying 25 years." " Praying." " It's not true." "Yes." "No." "The poor, the sick, the bereaved, the dying, they would come to him." "He would lay his hands on them and pray" "And then one day the monsoon comes and floods the cave." "So Swami gets up and he walks all the way to Calcutta-- that's 2,000 miles or more-- because he wants to visit the Festival of Durga" "Where we are amongst the 200,000 pilgrims that are there." "And what happens?" "Coincidentally," "Iiterally, we bump into Swami." "Literally bump into him." " Congratulations." " And the rest is, well, destiny, I suppose." "We're gonna start a center in New Jersey." "Well, he didn't walk to New Jersey." "He flew." "Took the easy way out, hey, Swami?" "You know, when I was sleeping sometimes outside and I watch all the sky's beautiful stars, then I thought I told Bernard and Doris that, you see," ""You are sleeping in the Five Star Hotel." "But I was sleeping All Star Hotel."" "It's a blessing." "A blessing." "To Swami and Doris." "And all the blessings that come into our lives when we least expect them." "Cheers to that." "Mm." "Swami, if I was drinking, I'd be drinking to you." "Cheers, congrats." "Look at this." "Look." "Are you all right, ma'am?" " Oh, we've got a problem." " What is it?" "Damn slugs, look at this." " Look look." " Oh." "If there's one there's probably more, right?" "Yeah, it looks like it, ma'am." "You're not gonna eat my babies." "Miss, you can-- apples." "My mother swore by apples." "Apples?" "Yeah, we grew spinach and potatoes in our yard." "We couldn't afford to lose them-- it was mostly all that we had to eat, so my mother would put down slices of apple to attract the slugs and the caterpillars elsewhere and lead them away from the vegetables." " And that worked?" " It did, yeah." "If this works, I'm sending your mother a check." "Well, that's very generous of you, ma'am, but she passed away many years ago." "Lafferty, I know absolutely nothing about you." "Maybe that's just as well, ma'am." "Do you think you should be getting some rest?" " You have a long trip ahead of you." " No, I'll be fine." "I can take care of this while you're away." "No." "I had a-- a child with my first marriage." "She only lived for 24 hours." "What do you think the point of that is?" "I'm terribly sorry to hear that." "I mean, supposedly everything happens for a reason." "You know, part of the Book of Life or the Great Mandala." "You know?" "What do you think about that?" "I..." "I-- it's whatever gets you through the night." "I mean, I'd hardly be the one to judge it." "So the snail and the orchids and you and I?" "You smell divine, by the way." "Is that Norell?" " It is." " I gave you that, didn't I?" "You did." "You gave it to me and I wear it every day." "I wouldn't be caught dead without it." "Well, that's part of the plan, you see?" "What about the apple?" " Do you think this apple here has..." " Yeah." "...a part in the great-- the great plan?" "Yeah." "I mean, events may seem random, but there is a plan." "Unfortunately, it just may not unfold quickly enough for us to really understand why it's happening." "You know what I mean?" "Sure." "I" " I knew this Irish lad in Philadelphia." "His name was Freezer." "That's how cool he was." "And he had everything going for him-- he was handsome, he was fun, he was warm-hearted." "We were up for the same job at this chichi hotel, the Bellevue in Stratford." "I knew he would get the job." "No one could resist" "Freezer when he turned on the charm." "Anyways, on the day of the interviews he steps off the curb and he breaks his foot." "And I get the job." "And that's how I get to meet Miss Taylor." "She introduces me to Miss Lee." " Then it's..." " lntroduces you..." "...to you." "...to me." "'Cause you read it on the resume." "Oh, so that's-- that was your path." "That was your journey, exactly." " The Mandala, exactly." " Mandala." "Oh Jesus, smell this." "Mm." "Incredible, huh?" "Very few of these guys actually even have a scent." "Isn't that tragic?" " Yeah, they're beautiful." " So sad." "Miss Duke, do you think I should be packing the Persian outfits that you mentioned for your trip?" "I don't know." "What do you think?" "I don't know." "I've never performed in a belly-dancing troupe." "It's not belly dancing, it's dance oriental." "Oh, that's Chinese, is it?" "No, look, it's the Earth and then the core and then out." "See?" "It's as if your entire being is concentrated, every ounce of it right here." " Right." " You see?" " Sure." " Right there, you understand?" "It's like..." "Like that." " Yeah." " Feel that?" " Go ahead, try it." "Try it." " No." "I think it's more of-- more of a girl thing." "No no, it's the most fun you could ever have without actually touching yourself." " Go ahead." " No, I couldn't." " Come on." " No." " See, like this?" " Yeah." "Some men actually find it very seductive." "I'm sure they do." "I mean, l" " I swing in the other direction, if you catch my drift." "Cat--?" "Yes, I catch it." "I caught it." "I have it." "All right, well it's just that l" "I think it-- it's mesmerizing." "How did I look just now?" "I mean, tell me the truth." "I mean, did I look ridiculous?" " What do you mean?" " I mean, was it clumsy?" " Did I look clumsy?" "Did I look awful?" " No no." "I'll tell you what, you looked happy." "Happy?" "Yeah, just..." " Break a leg, Miss Duke." " God forbid." "Miss Duke would like two men on duty at any given time." "That's one inside the house and one patrolling the grounds." "Also four dogs." "Nobody's to get in through the front gate when she's away except the gardeners and the pool guy." "They have been issued with passes like this." "And if you set off the sprinkler system with one of those, you'll be destroying $30 million worth of art and antiques." "Thanks, gentlemen." "Oh, l" " I thought you'd gone home." "I've been having a wee clear out of my room." "You know what it's like." " I'll take that out for you." " That's okay." " It's no big deal." " It's fine, thanks anyway." "Thanks." "Lafferty, change of plans." "I leave for London tomorrow." "Book the Connaught." "Make sure to tell Elton I'm coming." "Send over my Russian fox and the new white sable pronto." "I rejoin the tour in Washington on the 15th and I'm running to Hawaii after that." "So make sure all the linens are changed." "Tell the painters I want them out of there by March 10th, or I'm invoking the penalty clause." "In no way am I kidding." "Sincerely, Doris Duke." "Oh, PS-- have my new jewelry appraised and listed in the policy." "Sotheby's can do it." "I prefer that nice Kathy, but if it has to be the other one, so be it." " Welcome back, Miss Duke." " Oh, thank you." "I am so glad to be back." "Are you growing your hair?" "A bit, I am." "Yeah." "Come here." "Here." " Look." " What?" "Look." "What do you think?" "I think it looks a bit puny." "Well, you've got to give it time." " I like it." " You do?" "Mm-hm." "I hope that your tour went well?" "Oh, the arts in America, Lafferty, don't get me started." "You know, sometimes there were more of us onstage than there were in the audience." "I'm sorry to hear that, ma'am." "It wasn't a total disaster," " I made a little friend." " Oh, you did?" "Mm-hm." "A kid in the company." "Oh, amazing dancer." "I thought he was gay." "And actually, so did he." "But you know, we have to leave ourselves open to all the possibilities." "Indeed, it's true." "You know, you should really wear more color to kind of lift your face." " Look at this, for instance." " Oh." "Put this shirt-- now what does that shirt say?" " That shirt says..." " Too much." "..."look at me."" " It certainly does." "You know, your shirt doesn't say anything at all." "See what I mean?" "Actually, Miss Duke, there is one thing of yours that I love." " It's that scarf there." " Oh." " I think that's the most beautiful..." " Well, yeah, let's see." "Uh-huh, that brings out the blue in your baby blues." " It does?" " Mm-hm." "What about my eyes?" " What about them?" " The shadow." " You look great." " Mm." "May-- um, maybe it's a bit strong." " Really?" " Just at the corner." " May I?" " Yes." "Just smudge it out a bit." "There, like that." " Mm." " That looks great." "Maybe you should wear a little eye shadow." " No, I shouldn't." " Just a touch." " I don't think I should." " You could try it." "What do you think of this?" "I think it's gorgeous." "Okay, why don't you press it?" "Um, Miss Duke?" "I wondered if I could have next Thursday evening off?" "Why?" "Just personal reasons." "You know that Maltese cross that I brought back from Paris?" "Yeah, it's in the safe." "How do think that would go?" "With this?" "It would, yeah, absolutely would." "Well, when you say personal, what do you mean?" "I mean, do you have to go to a funeral or have a procedure or...?" "It's just, I have a date, sort of." "Really?" "Where did you meet?" " I haven't met him yet." " It's a blind date?" "Yeah, well, through the personals." " "Irish Echo." - "Village Voice."" "How uncharacteristically daring of you, Lafferty." "Are you a stone or a sponge?" " Oh, never mind." " What, excuse me?" "Well no, don't answer." "Never mind." "Permission granted." "Miss Duke, thanks very much." "I appreciate it." "I'll have this pressed at once." "Oh oh oh oh oh... scarf." "Oh, excuse me." " Bravo." " I so love that one." " Oh my God." " You sounded great, Miss Duke." "Peggy Lee couldn't do it better herself." "She could and she did and you know it." "'Cause Bernard used to work for Miss Lee." " Is that right?" " No, I just made the phone calls, and I booked her rooms, and I held the umbrellas, and I opened the doors, that sort of thing, you know." " Want some more champagne?" " Please." "Thank you." "Now I heard that song for the first time in Las Vegas at Caesar's Palace." "That's a real crowd-pleaser, that song." "Mm, mm." "What was the one that she did about the masochist?" " I don't know, what song is that?" " You know." "Where the guy is treating her horribly and she's just loving it." "That sounds like the story of my life." " No, it's my life." " No, it's my life." " It is not your life." " No, it is my life." "I think it's all of our lives." "Well, go ahead, sing it." " Now?" " Now." "We only have now." "Uh, wait a minute..." "That's it." "You have to imagine a wee black dress on me with a million sequins." "What's the key?" "Get the fuck out of here!" "What's the big deal?" "We both fuck other people." "Yeah, but you don't fuck my staff in my house on my dime!" "All right, I'm sorry." "I was high and I was drunk." " Get the fuck out!" " Why are you acting so crazy?" " Let's just talk about this." " Get out!" " It won't happen again." " Get out!" "Back-stabbing son of a bitch!" "Bye." "Nothing makes me happier than the scent of orchids." "Not even sex." "The one I'm really gonna miss is Paloma." "Nobody could clean like that woman." "You know the-- that picture where Marilyn is crazy for guys that play the saxophone?" "Well, that's me with piano players." "Mechanics." " Really?" " Sweaty guy with his head under the hood, intent on his work with his hands all oily." "Mm." "How many mechanics have you actually had?" "None." " Oh, Lafferty." " I'm always afraid to make a move." "They might beat me to death with a monkey wrench." "No, see, that would make them much more appealing to me." "How was your date?" "You don't have to pretend to be interested, Miss Duke." "No, I really am interested." "Was he a mechanic?" "No, he wasn't." "He was something in sales." "Pressed shirt and nice clean hands." "Oh, I'm sorry." "Was he cute at least?" "I wouldn't say cute exactly." "More-- more like promising." "What happened?" "Here." "Well, we talked and we had a few drinks." "And I talked some more and then, you know, "Here's me in 10 easy-to-assemble pieces."" "We have absolutely nothing in common." "So you struck out." "I did, yeah." "It was something of a relief, I have to say." "Oh." "On my honeymoon... the first honeymoon" " That would be with..." " The first guy." " Rubirosa?" " No, the first one." "Oh God, that guy had a body." "He's still one of my dirtiest fantasies, actually." "I just couldn't wait to get him in bed and..." "Jimmy came toward me, I was swooning." "He was naked, stiff as a board, and scooped me up in his arms and he said," ""Doris, I've been wondering, how much is my annual allowance gonna be?"" " He didn't say that." " He did say that." "Oh my God." "What did you say?" "You know, I bet a lot of guys find you hot." " You have a great face." " No, I don't." "No, really, it's so sensitive." "Oh, it's..." "What?" "Miss Duke..." "What do you want from me?" "From me." " Miss Duke?" " What do you want?" "I mean, you don't fuck me, do you?" " No, I don't want anything." " You don't steal from me." " Do you steal from me?" " No, I don't want anything." "Well then, what do you want from me?" "I want to take care of you." "I just want to take care of you." "Come on, Lafferty." "Hit the gas, will you?" " Come on." " I don't want to go too fast here." "It's-- it's a wee road here." "Oh for God's sake, all right, pull over." " Pull over, stop stop stop stop." " What?" "I'll show you." " You all right there, ma'am?" " Yeah, I'm fine." " Got the seat belt?" " No no, just go." "Okay." "Just slow down a bit." "Hi." "You hit 80 back there." "Are you aware of that?" "Oh yeah, mm-hm." "And also, before you ask me, I do not have my license on me." "Okay, I'm gonna have to ask you to step out of the car, ma'am." "Oh, it's too cold, really." "I can't." "Okay." "Who's your friend?" "Oh, that's the Sultan of Brunei." " Welcome to New Jersey." " Thanks." "Okay, I'm gonna have to breathalyze you." "I don't think so." "I don't really want to be breathalyzed." " Sorry." " Then, I'm gonna have to take you in." "No, I don't think so." "Just get on your little walkie-talkie or your radio or something and talk to your chief, because he and I are buddies from way back." "Then he'll be glad to see you down at the station house." " What?" " Okay, come on, let's go." "No." "Whoa!" "Uh, ma'am, I'm coming!" "Wait a minute." "Sultan?" "Lucky thing, you knowing the judge." "Oh, I know a lot of people." "He seemed awfully happy to see you." "Ah, well, yes." "We had a little moment in the coatroom of the Phillips Club about 20 years ago." "I don't find that funny." "You would if you'd been there." "Do you know how many alcohol-abuse charities we support?" "How do you think they'll feel accepting money from a drunk?" "Ironic." "You have a moral obligation to set a good example." "Lighten up a little bit." "You know, Lafferty and I, we're just trying to have a little bit of fun." "Right, Lafferty?" "Yes, ma'am." "Just the coffee, please, thank you." "Oh, all right." "Thank you, Lafferty." "That'll be all." "Ma'am." "In all the years I've known you, you've never paid the slightest attention to your staff." " But this guy..." " He puts up with my shit." "He's great with my orchids." "He embroiders, for God's sake." " He's a bad influence, Doris." " I like him." "Ahem." "Doris, I've seen you figure people out in 10 seconds flat." "You are a brilliant judge of character." "Why can't you see that this guy is up to something?" "How much does she pay you?" " Excuse me?" " Your salary." "What does she pay you?" "Five grand a month?" "I think you know my salary, sir." "You have access to the records." "I'm writing you a check for $200,000." " $200,000?" " Mm-hm." "That's right." "On condition you go away and stay away." "I" " I don't understand." "Miss Duke hired you to be her butler, not her drinking buddy." "Did-- did she ask you to pay me off?" "Okay, l" " Miss Duke would not be very happy if I walked out on her." "Loyalty is very important to her." "I agree, loyalty is a valuable commodity." "Let's make it $500,000." "Do-- do you think that's enough?" "Give you a little breathing space." "I am not that easy." "Good evening, sir." "Dear Lafferty, I get to my house in Newport on Tuesday, so make sure they fix the roof pronto." "I'm not having workmen all over the place while I'm there." "I thought I'd be back Sunday but I got invited to Bali with George." "It is too good to pass up." "So I'll be stopping in Hong Kong on the way to Indonesia," "May 10th through the 24th." "Book the Peninsula, I want my usual suite." "Make sure I get my rate." "And I'll probably end up in Hawaii in my house for the summer but I'm staying in my Beverly Hills house along the way." "And the screening room is still a mess." "Go there and oversee things yourself if you have to." "Use Frequent Flier miles if possible." "All right, Lafferty, I've decided to extend my trip to see the migration in Botswana." "And please please please make sure all my furs are in storage." "I don't want them moldering away in the cedar closet a moment longer." "Oh, while you're at it, see if you can get the stains out of the Balenciaga." "I don't know how they got there, but it is unwearable at this point." "Sincerely, Doris Duke." "Welcome home, Miss Duke." "Thank you, Lafferty." "I am so glad to be back." "Oh my goodness, look at you." "Look at your hair." " It's gotten so long." " I can cut it if you'd like." "No, I like it." "It's so Jagger, isn't it?" " It is?" " Yes." " Morocco was great?" " Great, yes." "Absolutely." "But exhausting." "I brought you back a little something." "A little gift?" "Are you chewing gum?" "Oh." "Excuse me, ma'am, I'll take it out." "I don't think I've ever seen you chew gum." "Look, your present-- voila." "For you." "Hm?" " What?" " Mm-hm." " Here." " That's for me?" "That's for you." "Try it on." " No no, it isn't." " Yes." " Come on, don't be silly." " You're teasing me." " Put your arm in." " It's a caftan, is it?" " Yes it is." " Oh!" "An antique caftan." "That's-- oh, it's a perfect fit." "Look at that." "How brilliant am I?" "That's gorgeous." "Perfect fit." "Oh thank you, it's just beautiful." "Look, it's hand-embroidered, isn't it?" "It certainly is." "I can't believe it." "It's the most beautiful present I've ever had." " Uh-huh." " It is." " Gorgeous." " Oh my God." "I feel like" " I feel like Lawrence of Arabia." "Ha ha!" "You know what?" "This is missing a button." "I just remembered." "Could you take care of that?" "I will of course, Miss Duke." "Thank you so much." " You're so welcome." " Thank you." "I can't believe it." "Well." "I mean, how could this happen?" "Look at this-- crown rot." "We might as well just pitch these." "And look at this." "It's got scale." "I mean, how did this happen?" " How did that happen?" " Well, I told the" " I told the gardener" " That's why I left you in charge." "Not the gardener." "Now you're gonna have to just wipe the whole thing down." "I can fix it." "I can fix it." "Okay, right here." "Here's the Pearla." " I know where it is, ma'am." " Well then do it." " Not enough bark." " I know what to do, ma'am." "Well then, do it then." "Now that's too much bark." "Please, Miss Duke, I can handle this." "All right, and it's 2* too hot in here." "So turn that down, wipe down all the plants, repot everything." "And don't forget the fucking baskets." "Yes, ma'am." "Keep your breath going." "Okay, keep your breath going." "What?" " Miss Duke?" " Yes?" "Waldo Taft." "What about him?" "He's coming to dinner tonight." " Oh yeah." " What does he like to eat?" "Oh God, what about that... is that salmon still in the freezer?" "Well, I'm not allowed to throw anything out, so it's still there." "Mm, then tell the chef to poach that." "Ah!" "That salmon's been here longer than I have." "It'll be fine." "That salmon's leftover from when Jesus fed the 5,000." "That's how old it is." "It'll be fine." "Try to open up your lower back a little bit." "I'll tell the chef to poach it." "This Marine Conservation Project seems very interesting, but I don't see the annual fiscal report anywhere." "It's late." "Well, no report, no money." " What's this now?" " The aids research." "They've asked for a 10% increase over the last year." "It's not unreasonable." "All right, done then." "What else do we have here?" "Some salmon, Mr. Taft?" "It's, um..." "Bon appetit." "The minister from the Baptist church in, I think it's Canton, North Carolina" "Reverend Washington?" "I love that man." "What does-- what does he want?" "Well, apparently there was a fire at his church." "They've raised $1 million but they need another $600,000." "Give him whatever he wants and I'll write a personal note." "What else?" "What else do we have?" "You're not hungry, Mr. Taft?" "Um... no." "How about a nice glass of Peu Chimay?" "No, thank you." "I never drink when I'm driving." "Lafferty, why don't you fix Mr. Taft some... coffee?" "All right." "Sure." " Peu Chimay, ma'am?" " No, just some coffee." "What's this now?" " The literacy program." " Oh yes, the literacy program." " How are they doing?" " Doing great work." "You know, I'm confused because I saw this State Senate report that made it seem as if there were some problems." "Oh." "You know, when I first came to America" "I could hardly write my own name." "And then I took one of those literacy programs, and now look at me." "Fuck." "No one wanted to tell you." "We know how fond you are of him." "Petrus '89, '90, '91-- all gone." "Christ." "Chateau Margaux '86, only the Premier Grand Cru." "Well, he has excellent taste, you got to hand him that." "All the sherry-- maybe 100 bottles." "Jesus." "You want me to do something about this?" "Pack your bags." "You're fired." "Dear Miss Duke, as always, I found it difficult getting used to being in rehab." "But I have managed to stay dry for two weeks now and I think it's time I came home." "Dear Lafferty," "I don't believe people should be punished because they suffer from an illness." "That is why I haven't fired you, as I probably should have." "But I'm not yet ready to have you back as a trusted member of my household." "You will stay in rehab until I am ready to forgive you." "Doris." "Doris, you okay?" "Doris, you okay?" "Doris?" "Doris?" "Dr. Armenza, please report to icu, STAT." "Dr. Armenza, please report to icu, STAT." "She's had a-- a sizeable stroke, but I think she will get over that." "It will take time." "She's gonna need rehab and physical therapy." "But I am concerned about her underlying condition, which has always been an issue, in terms of her heart disease." "She's got a degenerative heart problem, and also the liver issues." "Her liver function tests are not normal." "She'll need round-the-clock care for now." "Here we go." "That's it." "What I did was unforgivable." "I'm so ashamed of myself." "You've taken me into your life, you've been extremely generous towards me." "I know I've let you down." "I can only say I'm deeply sorry." "I hope you can forgive me." "That's a good speech." "You learn it in rehab?" "I wonder if you could help" "I'd very much like to keep my job." "Please." "Mr. Taft is calling for Miss Duke, sir." "Okay." "Excuse me, Nancy." " Mr. Taft." " Lafferty." "I'm at the front gate, let me in." "I'm sorry, sir, Miss Duke's not receiving visitors today, sir." "I want to talk to her." "Put her on." "She's not taking calls either, sir." " Put her on." " I'm sorry, sir." "I'm only following Miss Duke's orders, sir." " I know what you're up to..." " Mr. Taft," "Miss Duke appreciates your concern, but her priority right now" " is to avoid all stress." " Put her on right now." "And if you're truly her friend, you'll respect her wish to be left alone." " Lafferty, for crying out loud." " Yes, sir." " Thank you, sir, goodbye." " This is ridiculous..." "What are the police doing here?" "We're just trying to establish the facts, Doris." "I'm old, I have a bad heart, my lungs are for shit, end of story." "Did Mr. Lafferty try to control your behavior in any way?" "Well yes, he certainly has." "He's-- no visitors, no phone calls, lights out at 9:00." "If devotion beyond the call of duty were a crime, he'd be a candidate for Death Row." "That's what you call it?" ""Devotion beyond the call of duty?"" "Sorry to disappoint you, big guy." "Thank you, Miss Duke." "I'm sorry, Doris." "For all I knew, you might have been locked in the attic like Baby Jane." "That's Blanche." "Baby Jane had the keys." "It worries me, you being out here alone." "Let me get you proper care-- round-the-clock nursing." " I'll think about it." " They'll cluck around you" " like mother hens." " Stop it." "They'll be patronizing you, treating you like a child." "Blah blah blah blah blah." ""It's time for your bath now, Doris." " Have we taken our medicine today?"" " Oh stop it." " They'll drive you nuts." " Just stop it." " I'm still being punished, is that it?" " It's not about you, Lafferty." "I've tried to think of everything I can to win back your trust." "I've ceased to exist outside this house," "I've renounced my own life in order to give you the care that you need." " And now you discover it's not enough?" " The nurses are coming" " in the morning." " It's the nurses or it's me." " Oh, don't make idle threats." " It's not an idle threat, ma'am." "Well then, stop it!" "For God's sake." "Would you bring in the nurses if it meant losing me?" " I won't be put on the spot." " Answer me, please." "It's a simple question, ma'am." "Just yes or no." "I don't want you to go if that's what you're asking." "So you would do without the nurses?" "I want you to stay." "In my current capacity?" "Oh for God's sake, Lafferty." "I choose you above all others." "Mm." "Is that what you want?" "And you are not to prevent Mr. Taft from seeing me, ever." " Agreed?" " Agreed." "We can still bring the nurses in if you think it's necessary." "Oh no." "You wanted me, now you got me." "My daddy had pneumonia and my mother sent away all the maids so she wouldn't have any witnesses." "And then she stripped him naked and opened up the windows, because that's the way they do it in Macon, Georgia, she says." "Of course, this was New York." "The coldest October in history." "I was only allowed to see him for a few minutes every day after school." "You could see your breath in the room." "The man froze to death in his own home." "She thought that she would get everything, but my daddy knew what kind of woman she was and he left it all to me." "My father died when I was three." "My-- my mother died when I was eight." "Oh." "I was coming home from school one day and there was an ambulance there at the end of our road." "A crowd was rubbernecking." "She was sitting up against a car." "It might have been the same one that hit her, I don't know." "I thought she was all right because there was no blood or anything like that." "It looked like she was just having a snooze there in the middle of the road." "Her shopping was scattered all about... porridge oats and pink custard powder." "The only family I had after that was an aunt in Philadelphia." "Fate." "Here, let me give you a hand with that, Miss Duke." "You just missed it... a bit here." "There, take a look." "I need more eyes." "Sure." "That's okay." "Let's do the other side." "You know, when you do it, you should start from the base to the tip." "Try it on you." " From the base to the tip?" " Yeah." " Okay, like that?" " Mm." "Yeah." "Good evening, Nancy." " Will that be all, Miss Du" " Oh stop it." "Just sit down." "Happy birthday, Miss Duke." "I'm afraid this is not one of your more glamorous birthday parties." "Oh, I've had much worse." "Perhaps you'll be up to having a party again next year." "Lafferty, there are a couple of things" "I want you to do for me when I'm gone." "Do we have to talk about that now?" " My bed socks, for instance." " Bed socks?" "Yes, I sometimes wear bed socks when I sleep." "I've done so since I was a little girl, and if I should be wearing my bed socks when I fall off the twig," "I would like you to please remove them from my feet before the coroner gets there." "I don't want to look like a complete idiot." "Yes, sure." "No fancy speeches." "No press." "And I would like you to... dress me in something casual." "Life is a journey, after all, and I refuse to go into that box wearing an evening gown or something equally stupid." "Yes, sure." "Make it a natural fiber, not man-made." "Silk might be a good idea." "I want to demonstrate my solidarity with nature." " Of course." " I could come back as a tree or a bird or a bug, or... who knows?" "Will you do that for me, Lafferty?" "Yes." "Promise?" "I promise." "I must have lost my mind to believe a fucker like you." "Am I dead yet?" "Not yet." " Just keep her hydrated." " Yes, Doctor." "Sure you don't want me to call a nurse?" "No, I don't think so." "Call me if you need anything." "Here we go." "That's it." "I'm just going to adjust your pillow." "All right?" "That's it." "That's it." "Here we go." "There you go." "Good night." "Sleep tight." "I, Doris Duke, a resident of and domiciled in the State of New Jersey, do hereby make, publish and declare this to be my last will and testament, hereby revoking all wills and codicils at any time" "heretofore made by me." "I direct there be no funeral service or memorial service of any kind for me." "It is my wish that my ashes be scattered over water." "I give and bequeath all of my right title and interest to the following:" "my real property known as Somerset located in Somerville, New Jersey, to the Doris Duke Charitable Foundation;" "my real property known as Rough Point in Newport, Rhode lsland, to the Newport Restoration Foundation;" "my real property known as Shangri-La in Kaalawai, Honolulu, Hawaii, to the Doris Duke Foundation for Islamic Art;" "my real property known as Falcon's Lair in Beverly Hills, California, to the Doris Duke Charitable Foundation." "I direct that my executors make reasonable arrangements with Imelda Marcos for the repayment of the $5 million plus accrued interest that I loaned to her." "I give and bequeath the following sums:" "$10 million to Duke University," "$10 million to the Metropolitan Museum of Art, and appoint Bernard Lafferty as my individual executor hereunder, with the sum of $5 million for the performance of his duties as executor." "I appoint Bernard Lafferty as trustee of each trust created hereunder." "Bernard Lafferty shall appoint as a co-executor such bank or trust company that he, in his absolute discretion, shall deem appropriate." "I appoint Bernard Lafferty the director of the Foundation along with three additional persons as Bernard Lafferty shall designate." "Your breakfast, Mr. Lafferty." "Thank you, Nancy." "On the table, please." "I have hereunto set my hand and affixed my seal to this, my last will and testament, on this fifth day of April, 1993." "Doris Duke." "Good afternoon, gentlemen." "Good afternoon." "Let's get on with it, shall we?" "Well, you have the agenda before you, beginning with item number one..."