"THE WELLNESS WEEKEND" " Hello." " You must be Frank." "I'm Peter." "What can I do for you?" " My foot is not well." " What do you mean?" " Well, it hurts." " Sit there and we'll have a look." "If you would take off your shoes and socks." "Put your foot on this, please." "You have a verruca." "Quite a big one." " We have to deal with it right away." " Go ahead, it has to go." " It's nice and big." " Thanks." " Just a second." " Please switch off your mobile." "It's an emergency." "Hello?" "Hi." " You're not in the ward?" "Kisserup?" " That's near Holbæk." "You're in Holbæk, the doctor says." "Wait..." " I'm coming." "Stay where you are." " Please turn it off." "A friend of mine has been admitted to a psychiatric hospital." " He's done a runner." " This is important too." "You shouldn't carry this around." "I'm going to remove it." "Hold still." "We're going to have to wait." "I have to go and pick him up." " I'm sorry." " Don't bring a mobile in here." "Are you okay?" "You shouldn't go running off like that." " I know, Frank..." " You were admitted for a reason." " I got worried when you called." " I'm just sitting here." "Just for five minutes, you know." " Do you know those people?" " There's nobody there." " How long have you been here?" " I don't know." "Shall we get back to the hospital?" " I think it would be best." " Yes, it's probably best." "I can't remember how the hell I got here." " Come on, we'll go in my car." " What about mine?" "Leave it." "I'll have it picked up later." " I don't really like being there." " We'll talk about it in the car." "Can't you visit me more often?" "I'm really lonely." "There's a lot we haven't talked about." " Of course I will." "Now come on." " Not right now." "I don't want to." "I can't be responsible for this, Casper." "Casper, come here!" "Come on." "I'm sorry about this." " Won't you come to visit?" " Of course I will." "Now get in." "Good morning." "Good morning, honey." "Oh, that's nice." "What a good idea." "So we don't have to eat with Ole and Pyker." " Let's turn this into a tradition." " That's enough of that." "There's a little present too." "What can it be?" "A gift token." "Wow!" "For a wellness weekend." " For this weekend?" " Yes, you need to relax." " You're right, I do." " You're so stressed all the time." " God, I'm so busy." " That's why you should go." " So you don't end up like Casper." " No can do, honey." " What's the matter?" " I have a verruca." "A verruca?" "So you can't go into the pool and stuff like that." " Why didn't you tell me?" " I was going to, but Casper ran off." " Then I forgot all about it." " But I've just booked it." " Then we'll have to postpone it." " That's not possible." " Can't you stick a plaster on?" " I have." "Then no one will know." "We're going, Frank." "I've just decided." "It's sweet of you." "Hi." "I'm here to see Casper Christensen." "Hi." "Hi, Casper." "Hello?" " He's asleep." " Is he?" "Well, he was very tired." "You can have a cup of coffee or a glass of water, if you want." " I'll stick around." " Good idea." " Come on, Colonel, almost there." " Hello." " Having a ping pong tournament?" " We're one man short, actually." " I'm up for it." " The entrance fee is 100 kroner." " Now there's 500 in the pot." " Right." " I used to play for a club." " Whenever you're ready." "Yes!" "1-0." " 2-1." " You haven't won yet." "Game, set and match." " That's it!" "Now for the final." " Do you need a break?" "Sorry to interrupt, but visiting hours are over." " I have to ask you to stop." " Can't we finish the game?" "No, there's no time for that." "You'll have to go." "You can come back on Monday at three o'clock." "Right, we'll have our game then." "It's been fun." " It was fun." " Do you have the money?" "Take care." " I'm sorry, but those are the rules." " Frank?" " Hi!" "So you're awake now?" " I slept like a log." " Do you want coffee?" " No, thanks." " Beer is not allowed, so..." " I was just leaving." "It's 4 o'clock, so visiting hours are over." " He just got here." " I've been here for an hour." " Where have you been?" " I was playing ping-pong." " What are you doing that for?" " I have to show him out." "All right." "What the fuck did you have to play ping-pong for?" "You're here to visit me, not to play ping-pong." " This is not a youth club, Frank." " I did try to wake you up." "Come off it." "I sleep like an Indian, with one eye open." " I'll come back on Monday." " Ping-pong, for God's sake!" "You have to go now." " The flowers are just like in Italy." " Oh, yes..." "Oh, dear." " I'm more relaxed already, honey." " Good." " Welcome." "What's your name, please?" " Mia Christensen." "You're in room 332." "It's just down the hall and up the stairs." " It's on the third floor." " Thank you very much." "Thank you very much." " How lovely." " Beautiful." "You can feel the peace as soon as you can see the sea." " Hey, what's that on the bed?" " "The Real Kama Sutra"?" " Did you bring this?" " I felt we should try something new." "Well, well, well..." "That sounds like fun, honey." " I'll give you a chocolate kiss." " That's nice." " Oh no, not now, Frank." " Frank here." "Hi, Kurt." "Yes..." "I can't do that, Kurt." "I'm having a weekend away with Mia." "I can't, Kurt." "Forget it." "As long as Casper is in hospital, I'm the boss." "At Marienlyst." "In Elsinore." "I mean..." "Yes, fine." " Right, see you." "Monsieur le boss?" " I overheard that you're the boss." " I don't speak French." "You are the boss of this place?" "It is fantastic." "Fantastic." "I must kiss you." "Three times like in Paris." "Thank you." "But I'm sure you are busy." "Merci." " Merci yourself." " Good luck with your work." " "Le boss"." " Sorry about that." " We're supposed to relax." "That was Ku rt." "He wanted to see me." "I told him we were on a wellness weekend, so it was right out." " So he's just going to pop round." " Now?" " He said it was important." " I'm important, too." "I got these papers, informing me that Casper has bought a house." " Somewhere called Kisserup." " On Tuse Næs?" " I know it." "Grey, isn't it?" " Yes, a huge, grey house." "With several acres of land and a lake." "It costs six million." "Six million." "Trouble is, he bought it on behalf of your joint company." "I don't understand." "He bought it on behalf of the company?" " How can he do that?" " He signed." "That's binding." "I'm the bloody boss now." "I have to sign for things, too." " This is how we've always done it." " Yeah, for buying biros." "I don't need that house." " I'll go and tell him to sell it." " No, I'll handle that." " He's scolded me so many times." " Yes, but I can get angry, too." "And I'm telling you now that I want you to sell that house." "And he must be kept out of it." "Try to relax, Frank." "Come on." ""The elephant position"." "I don't know..." " "He enters from behind..."" " Is that the elephant?" " I don't know..." " He's only got one tusk." "Cheers, honey." "Here's to a great weekend." " Shall we find a really hot one?" " Yes." " That looks good." " "The busy bee"." "We want a real cracker." "That's more like it." ""The planer"." "And here's a dog-ear." " Did you make that?" " Yes." " Have you used this book before?" " I've had it for some years." "Was it to see how far you got?" "Or is this a favourite of yours?" " I think it's how far we got." " I see, how far you got, eh?" " You and 50 other men?" " No, me and Theis." " Theis?" " What's wrong?" "Don't be so scared." "I obviously had a sex life before you came." "I know that." "I just didn't know you'd been practising the Kama Sutra." "Can't we just try to enjoy ourselves for once?" "I want to enjoy myself too." "Maybe I just don't fancy The Planer." " I'm completely turned off now." " Did you try it with..." "Good night." "Remember, we're getting an enema tomorrow." " It would be nice with some support." " I do." "I'm with you all the way." " We'll have the enema tomorrow." " Yes." "We'll do that." "This one is inserted into the rectum." " And this is the water hose." " It doesn't hurt, does it?" "Not at all." "You'll see." "This is the tube   through which the water flows back from your colon." "It flows through here." "When you're ready   you push this button." "Then I'll come and help you." "Right." " All right?" " I think so." "I'm going to turn on the water now." " It's more than just a trickle." " Maybe it feels that way." "You may find that some pockets of air get emptied kind of noisily." "I can't hear you out there, so just let fly." "Right." "Christ." "Hi, Frank." "Great news:" "I've sold the house." "At a profit." "Kurt, I'm having an enema." "You didn't answer the phone." "I didn't dare contact Casper." " I'm on a wellness weekend." " I know." "Just a quick signature." "Just sign here." "There you are." "You're the boss." "You have to sign." "Excellent." "Can we agree that I won't see you again this weekend?" "Sure, everything's fine now." "This is just what the doctor ordered." "Unlike having an enema." " Didn't it feel good all the same?" " I thought it was horrible." "It's weird having to shove a tube up one's own butt." "Why didn't you get someone to help you?" "I did." " Who was it?" " The red-haired guy." " Kenneth." " Kenneth?" "Okay..." "So he took the tube and shoved it up your butt?" "Yes, he helped me with it." " What is it now?" " Must be a cool job, that's all." " Damn..." " Are you jealous again?" "No, I'm not." "It's just strange that you let a strange man fiddle with your arse." " It's a sexual thrill for him." " Like hell it is." " He's a man." "I know all about that." " It's just a job he does every day." " There's a reason for that, honey." " Oh, great." "You're jealous again." "Because of an enema." " Hi, Frank." " I just talked to Mia." "She told me she got someone to help her insert the tube." "That's right." "That was because she couldn't manage herself." " She's got arms." " I think they were too short." "So you didn't get sexually aroused?" "That's not what it was about?" " No." "What gave you that idea?" " Well, I think I would." "Fair enough." "But I don't, Frank." " And I don't have time for this." " I'm making a complaint here." "You can put it in writing." "Please come in here." "I'm afraid it's not going well." " Come and help me." " A small problem?" "Big problems." "Please help me." " Shall I lie down?" " Yes, yes..." "Suddenly I became frightened." " Voilà!" " I'm very ticklish." " Goodbye." " I'm sure you're very busy." "Good day." "This is nice, honey." "This is just what I needed." "Peace and relaxation." "There was some in your underpants." "Hello." "We're checking out." " And your room number is?" " 332." "Good morning!" "Did you sleep well?" "A few things from the minibar and massage, that makes 1035." "1035, that's a bargain." " Thank you." " It's a lovely place." "Excuse me." "You're not the boss of this hotel?" "No." " Sign here, please." "We're guests." "Miss, I want to speak to you." "This French woman has got it all wrong." "I mean, honestly..." "Our guest claims that you've been posing as the boss of the hotel." "I never said that." "And that you helped her to insert the tube in her behind." " Is that correct?" " Yes." " You what?" " I happened to pass by." " She asked me to help with the tube." " You can't just do that!" " Oh, I don't know." " It's very strange." "Is it now?" "That's a new one." "My wife said she got help when she asked." "Did you stick a tube up that lady's behind?" " That does it!" " It's not a sexual thing, honey." "I wish to call the police." "And my lawyer." "You're a pervert!" " Hi, I've come to see Casper." " He was discharged this morning." "You can call him at home." "Super." "But I also came to play a ping-pong match." " Here?" " Yes, the final you interrupted." "You can't do that." "You have to go." "Please go." "I'm closing the door now." "At least get me my 100 kroner back!" "Oh, this is a great position, honey." "You've got a verruca, honey." "I said, you've got a verruca." "Thanks for telling me now."