"What are you doing?" "I'm writing... my will." "After I'm gone, I don't want you and Bear fighting over my shit." "Or any of my other stuff." "Planning on going somewhere?" "We all go some time, mate." "How's it coming?" "Let's see." "Uh, they're saying Jenna violated her contract by fondling her breasts on a live newscast while wrecked out of her mind on drugs." "What they don't realize is... nothing." "They realize everything." "But she didn't know she ate candy with pot in it." "She still doesn't." "Ignorance is nine tenths of the law." " That's possession." " She wasn't charged with possession, Ryan." "I thought you were a good lawyer." "How did you win all those cases at your father's firm?" "I cheated." "(sighs)" "Go on." "I prepared two files." "One with a solid legal strategy." "And if that didn't work, I'd go to my black file." "It was filled with... whatever dark secrets I could find and use against the opposition." "Great!" "So where's the black file for this case?" "There isn't going to be one." "I did terrible things, Wilfred." "I messed with peoples' lives." "I'm not going there again." "Don't be a pussy." "This is your chance to get Jenna." " She's engaged." " No." "She's thinking about it." "That's like worse than a "no."" "Well, so you're saying if I save Jenna's job, she'll dump Drew for me?" "Ryan, you've seen what I'm capable of." "You do whatever it takes to win, just this once, and I'll do whatever it takes to get you Jenna." "and before you know it, you're forgetting who you really are." "It's a slippery slope." "It's only slippery if you don't have someone to hold on to." "Why are you here?" "Excuse me?" "I always figured you were looking out for me, but now you want me to do something I know is bad for me." "You're tired." "Why don't you" " call it a night...?" " I need some answers, Wilfred." "I can't keep ignoring the fact that none of this makes any sense!" "Can we take the emotion out of this, please?" "Can we just be two adults having a conversation?" "What are you?" "Who are you?" "Why are you?" "I can't tell you." " Why not?" " (Whispers):" "They're listening." "What?" "Who?" "Shh, shh, shh." "♪ ♪" "Are you sure you want to know?" "Yeah, this is a joke." "It's not." "Ryan, remember the night before we met?" "The pills you took?" "Yes." "They worked, mate." "I'm sorry, Ryan." "They worked." "You must have noticed things here are different." "Shit's a little off, right?" "Am I...?" "No." "You're somewhere in between." "(Sighs)" "Your future depends on the outcome of that settlement meeting tomorrow." "If Jenna gets her job back, well, you get to move on." "So-so none of this is really happening?" "Everything on the island is real, but the rest is an illusion." " What island?" " Uh, forget that last bit." " Wilfred!" " Shh!" "Smoke monster!" "I've seen Lost, Wilfred." "What did you think of the ending?" "Why can't I get a straight answer out of you?" "Come on, Ryan!" "These are big existential questions." "Best left for boring Russian novelists and teenagers on acid." "Real people don't think about this shit!" "Just find a way to save that girl." "Then she'll be yours." "Now, if you'll excuse me," "I am gonna summon up my own smoke monster." "(Sighs)" "(Inhales)" "(sighs)" "And when your station's traffic reporter," "Inez Delgado, had an on-air nip slip, all she got was a slap on the wrist." "And 600,000 hits on YouTube." "So what?" "He's alleging reverse discrimination." "(chuckles) Yup, trendy." "If that's all you've got, then I'll take my chances in court." "Mr. St. Cloud, please." "You know how much pressure there is for on-air talent." "You were a meteorologist." "I was a weatherman, son." "Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go to a charity walk-a-thon and hug some clefties." "Uh, I'm a little disappointed, Newman." "Some of the guys in my firm actually warned me about you." "(Echoing):" "Apparently, you used to have quite the reputation." "Called you the, um-- what was it-- the Anthropologist" " or some shit like that." " The Archaeologist." "Well, um, maybe you'd have better luck in that line of work." "Look, you know a local TV personality like Mr. St. Cloud has a full schedule of public appearances..." "But for his own good, I think he should reconsider." "Please." "Full reinstatement." "(laughs)" "(laughing loudly)" "Oh." "Thank you." "(laughs)" "I don't even want to know how you got those documents." "No, you do not." "You said you'd deliver Jenna if I won." "You took that seriously?" "Dude, Jenna's not a meat-lover's pizza" "I can have delivered in 30 minutes or less." "Hey, you know what sounds good right now?" "Chinese." " So you lied?" " I did not lie." "I Wilfred-lied." "You manipulated me." "No." "I Wilfred-manipulated you." "Hey, don't be mad, mate." "Why would I be mad?" "You taught me a valuable lesson today." "If I really want something," "I have to do whatever it takes." "And I want Jenna." "Ryan, I think you might be slipping down that slope we talked about." "I don't need your help." "Just stay out of my way." "Ryan." "Wait." "I was wrong." "I do want pizza!" "Ryan!" "(doorbell ringing)" "Brought a little champagne for the victory brunch, bro." "I can't thank you enough." "Oh, you officially just did." "No more thank yous, please." "Come on in." "Hors d'oeuvres on the porch." "Uh, rude." " You weren't invited." " Yeah." "I'm sure that was just an oversight." "It wasn't." "Look, I know we ended things on a sour note yesterday, and we never did get that pizza." "But I was just trying to make a point." "All that underhanded Machiavellian shit-- that's just not you." "That's not what you were saying at the settlement meeting." "That was a one-time thing." "You don't want to win Jenna's heart that way." "Hey, what the hell are they doing here?" "Well, it's my celebration." "Why wouldn't I invite my family?" "(sniffing) Hang on." "You smell funny." "You smell like... conniving." "(doorbell rings) I don't know what you're talking about." "Mr. Patel, I'm so glad you could make it." "Now the party can begin." "PATEL:" "Just show me to the booze, crackerjack." "I'm just so happy to share this special day with you, and Drew and your family and..." "Mr. Patel." "To Ryan." "Ryan." "Who's Ryan?" "WILFRED:" "I don't know what you're up to, Ryan, but I've got my nose and ears on you." "And my eyes, too, I guess, but frankly, my vision's pretty shitty." "Hey, I just want to say, I'm really proud of you." "I always knew you were an amazing lawyer, but you really..." "Kristen, did I introduce you" " to my neighbor yet?" " Um, yeah." "Like, three times." "Mr. Patel was a nuclear engineer in, uh..." "India." "Really?" "You know, my wife's thinking about traveling to India." "She wants to deliver babies with Arturo." "Sorry." "Dr. Ramos." " Leo." " God, that's right." "I didn't even think about that." "You know, I'd be curious to find out what Mr. Patel thinks of his homeland." "Would you describe it as clean?" "Allow me to answer your question with a question." "Do you like garbage everywhere?" "Yes." "You like puddles of diarrhea in the street?" "Uh, duh." "Do you like seeing dead, decaying animals wherever you go?" "Holy shit!" "Is this India place real?" "You're an asshole, Leo." "Let me get us some more wine." "Very clever, Ryan." "Figured out my plan, did you?" "No." "But if you think" "I'm just gonna stand by and watch you..." "Bubbles!" "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine..." "I owe my career to you, but I still don't understand why I freaked out." "Are you okay?" "Yeah." "I just don't get how two people end up like this." "I mean, when they got engaged, they were so in love." "Guess you just never know." "Sorry." "I didn't mean to burden you." "No, not at all." "It's just... sad." "37... 38, 39, 40!" "Whoo-hoo!" "All right, as I was saying, you can't treat these people like bloody pieces in some twisted game of chess." "Don't even think about it." "Ryan, I swear to God, if you blow one more... bubbles, whoo-hoo!" "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, en eight, nine, ten." "Just leave them in the sink." "Hey, now you're talking." "(sighs)" "Hmm, by the way, congratulations." "Duh." "You're getting married, bro." "(chuckles) Yeah, well, she hasn't exactly said yes yet." "I'm still giving her some time to think about it." "Oh." "(sighs)" "That's rough, with..." " What?" " The noon news." "I mean, Jenna's going to be a celebrity." "I mean, if I were you, I would do everything I could to seal the deal before the cameras start rolling again, but that's just me." "Looking for this?" "So you're using" "Mr. Patel to drive a wedge between your sister and her husband so you can dangle their failed marriage before Jenna's eyes." "It's an evil game you're playing." "Don't get me wrong-- it's brilliant, but you're on that slippery slope," "Ryan, and any minute..." "Bubbles!" "Goddamn you, Ryan." "(mumbling excitedly)" "Are you gonna move out here?" "Do you expect me to move back to Wisconsin?" "We can figure all of that out later, but I can't keep waiting around like this." "Jenna, you need to tell me now-- yes or no." "Now." "Okay, no." "PATEL:" "Ooh, ouch." "Dodging a bullet there, pal." "Ugh, you're disgusting." "I'm waiting in the car." "No, I'm waiting in the car." "The e-vite said 1:00 to 5:00." "I've got two more hours." "I am not leaving." "(mumbling indistinctly)" "Hope you're proud of yourself, Ryan." "I'm gonna be up all night licking Jenna's tears." "Know what all that sodium's going to do to my blood pressure?" "This is nothing compared to some of the shit you've pulled." "Yeah, but you' not me." "You're a good person, and you're a person." "You're turning into a guy I don't even recognize." "Christ, you take all the fun out of bubbles." "All you have to do is sign the settlement, and it's back to the anchor desk." "I know things have been difficult, but I just want you to know I'm here for you." "You always are, aren't you?" "Hey, what do you say we go to dinner?" "We don't have to talk about work or Drew." "It'll just be the two of us having a good time." "I'd love that." "Wait, we never discussed a drug test." "Insurance company requires it." "You got a problem with that?" "I've never taken a drug in my life." "Wilfred!" "Don't mind me, I'm just finishing up my will, then I'm gone." "Now you'll know what to do if anything happens to me." " Good-bye, Ryan." " Jenna's in trouble." " What's happened?" " The station's sending over an insurance rep tomorrow to give her a drug test, which means..." "We have to disembowel the insurance rep." "What?" "No, w-we need clean pee." "You didn't let me finish, Ryan." "We need to disembowel the insurance representative." "I'm sorry about yesterday." "Leo and I are going through a, uh, pretty rough patch." "Oh, don't swear it." "More coffee?" "No, I'm good." "Anyway, um, I've decided not to go to India." "Well, I'm sure that's for the best." "I think so, too." "I have to stay here so we can work things out, you know." "I really do love him, it's just, um... (sobbing):" "Uh, Arturo and I had an affair." "It was months ago." " It was just, just one time." " Does Leo know?" "No, it would kill him." "WILFRED:" "Ryan, Ryan!" "Ryan!" "Uh... (sighs)" "Finish your coffee." "The insurance rep arrived early." "Do you have Kristen's piss?" "I haven't been able to ask her yet." "You need to stall." "As we speak, Jenna is squeezing out the last golden droplets of her once promising career." "Okay, don't let that rep leave until I can make the switch." "You think you can handle that?" "God, it's such a relief to tell someone about Arturo." " You're the only person..." " I need urine." " What?" " I need you to pee in this cup now." "Uh, that's not how I expected this conversation to go." "I've got a client facing a drug test, and she's not going to pass if I don't get her some clean pee." "What, you're serious?" "Ryan, this is the same kind of thing" " that nearly got you disbarred." " I know," " but it's just this once." " It's fraud," "Ryan, I won't do it." "If you don't, I'll tell Leo about you and Dr. Ramos." "Who are you?" "I'm sorry, but I'm desperate." "Call Leo." "(line ringing)" "Please." "LEO:" "Hello." "(phone beeps)" "Four years of college, and now you're a piss collector?" " I bet your parents are real proud." " Wilfred!" "God, I'm sorry, I don't know what's gotten into him." "Wilfred, come." "I'm gonna lose Jenna, and it's all your fault." "What the hell good are you?" "You're the one who told me to do whatever it takes." "Well, damn it, do whatever it takes now." "You're right." "(car engine starts)" "I'm so sorry, Ryan." "(tires screech, thud)" "JENNA:" "Wilfred!" "Wilfred!" "Wilfred!" "Wilfred." "Uh, I'm gonna go get my keys." "It worked." "You can get up now." "Wilfred?" "Wilfred!" "So, still no word from the doctor." "That was the insurance rep." "She said I passed the drug test." "That's great." "Congratulations." "I guess we'll have to wait to celebrate." "She also said I'm pregnant." "Oh, my God, look, Jenna..." "No, this is good news." "I should call Drew." "I guess I'm getting married after all." "Jenna, wait." "(ringtone playing)" "Kristen, listen, I-I have to..." "KRISTEN:" "You've got nothing to hold over my head anymore." "I just told Leo about my affair, and he left me, so I am going to India, and by the way, you're dead to me." "(Phone beeps)" "DOCTOR:" "Good news." "He's going to be okay." "How you doing, buddy?" "I don't know if you can hear me, but..." "I've ruined everything." "You tried to warn me... and I wouldn't listen." "I forgot who I was." "I know why you're here now." "To stop me from slipping down that slope." "Please, Wilfred, I need you to pull me back up." "I need your help." "Who are you?" "Wilfred, it's me." "Help." "There's a stranger in my room!" "(Dogs barking)" " Nurse!" " Wilfred, I don't know what to do." " Nurse!" " Tell me what to do." " I don't know you." " You're upsetting the dog." " You need to leave." " I don't know you!" " Tell me what to do." " Get out!" "(Panting)" "RYAN:" "What are you doing?" "WILFRED:" "I'm writing my will." "Now you'll know what to do if anything happens to me." "(Ryan panting)"