"ADAM:" "They weren't officially booked." "So, it's not going to go on their records." "Mom, it wasn't my weed." "I want you to know you made me mad and you embarrassed me, and it's going to be a long time before you earn my trust back." "I know you think Racquel is intense." "She's a great mom." "You don't have to choose between being a mom and having to work." "You may not be there all the time, but the time that you do have, you can make that count." "It was mine." "The pot, it was mine." "Sorry for not being the girl that you thought I was." "CROSBY:" "What makes all this worth it?" "What makes it worth it is the connection, it's the bond you feel." "Well, what if I don't feel a connection, then?" "You will." "What is this?" "Oh!" "Crosby." "Oh, that's my mixing beaker." "Yeah." "What do you mix in it?" "Oh, you know, frozen orange juice and stuff." "It stinks." "Hey, be careful out there." "Stay close." "Okay, are we done here, do you think?" "Yeah, yeah, we are almost done." "Do you even know who these belong to?" "Of course." "You know what, I think Kristina left them here." "Yeah, very funny." "Hey, I know we're doing all this child-proofing here, but you sure you wouldn't rather have this sleepover over at our house?" "Oh, you don't think I can handle it?" "All right, you know, it's going to be good for you." "You're going to get to have your son here with you and you get to watch him sleep, and just see how innocent and vulnerable and..." "And peaceful?" "Yeah." "Yeah." "Yeah, you know..." "You know, I've dated some wild women, real hellcats, but, you know, when they finally pass out, it's like they turn into these little kittens, all purry and warm and..." "So, you know, I know what you're talking about." "I feel ya." "Yeah." "Are you sure?" "Do you want some?" "Oh!" "Oh, no, no." "Oh, oh, sorry." "I'm so sorry." "I'm just going to have some..." "Granddaughter, what are you doing?" "(LAUGHS) We're dining." "Would you like some?" "Aw, gee, thanks, no," "I've got something I have to do." "But I appreciate it." "Really." "It looks like fun." "JULIA:" "Oh, hey, Kristina." "KRISTINA:" "Yeah?" "JULIA:" "Could Haddie babysit for us tomorrow night?" "'Cause our regular sitter has the flu." "Yeah, I don't see why not." "Hey, Haddie!" "Haddie!" "What?" "Can you babysit tomorrow night for Aunt Julia?" "You know what, I would really like to, but..." "But?" "You have plans?" "What?" "That's fine, sweetie." "KRISTINA:" "She doesn't have plans." "She has nothing to do." "JULIA:" "It's not like she has to, though." "You know?" "KRISTINA:" "She has nothing to do." "Well, she's..." "What about Amber?" "JULIA:" "Oh, whoa..." "Yeah." "SARAH:" "And she's sitting right there." "Yeah." "(STUTTERING) That's a great idea." "That's a perfect idea." "Yeah, I hadn't thought of that." "That's great." "KRISTINA:" "Yeah." "Okay." "Let me just ask her." "Hey." "Do you want to babysit for Aunt Julia?" "(LOUD MUSIC PLAYING ON HEADPHONES)" "Hello?" "Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey." "Oy!" "What's wrong with you?" "Aunt Julia wants you to babysit." "Oh, so you're waterboarding me?" "(LOUDLY) Aunt Julia wants you to babysit." "Okay, whoa, take it easy." "(MOUTHING)" "Yeah, sure." "Why not?" "SARAH:" "Yeah, yeah." "No, I thought so." "Good, okay, she'd love to." "Great." "JOEL:" "Great." "Smile." "Thank you." "Awesome." "No prob." "Great." "Problem solved." "Hey, go tell your brother that we're ready to eat." "There's no way I'm going near that bathroom while he's in it." "Which is five times a day." "Oh, that's an exaggeration." "She's exaggerating." "You do know what he's doing in there, don't you?" "Yes, he's getting clean." "Yeah, spanking' clean." "He's..." "He has like, you know, he's working on his hair." "He's got like that..." "I do that too." "You know, for a long time sometimes." "Hi, honey." "Hi." "Hey." "Hey, Drew." "Morning." "AMBER:" "Hey, bud, how was the shower?" "Your hair looks cute." "Honey, does Crosby know that I know about Jabbar?" "Well, I think he assumes I tell you everything." "Why would he assume that?" "He hasn't even told Katie he has a son yet." "Well, I think Crosby assumes I'm not like him." "Mmm-hmm, I think Crosby assumes correctly." "Which is why he should not be making jokes about my underpants being in his houseboat." "Weirdo." "You mean crotch-less panties?" "(EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST) So..." "Wait a..." "Honey." "Yeah?" "What is this?" "$220?" "Look at that." "That's Haddie's cell." "Yeah, she's racked up, like, a gazillion minutes on this thing." "Yeah, to one number over and over again." "She's sleeping over at Leslie's." "Please call her." "This is not acceptable." "(STUTTERING) I don't even recognize this number." "She's never called this number before." "(PHONE RINGING)" "Who is this?" "(SIGHS)" "All right, she's not picking up." "Who are you calling now?" "I'm gonna call the mystery number and find out who this belongs to." "Okay." "Oh, put it on speaker, I want to hear it." "All right." "(PHONE RINGING)" "(HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYING OVER PHONE)" "MAN:" "Yo." "Yo." "Yo." "Whassup?" "Okay, you dialed wrong." "You had to have dialed wrong." "No, I did not dial wrong." "You had to have dialed wrong." "All right, here." "Here you go." "Try it yourself." "Go ahead." "(DIALING)" "(PHONE RINGING)" "(HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYING OVER PHONE)" "MAN:" "Yo." "Yo." "Yo." "Whassup?" "Honey, wait a second." "What?" "I just think that we should let her explain herself before breaking into her room." "I..." "Well, wait, wait a minute, her room is in our house, so technically we're not breaking into anything." "She's 15 years old." "Besides, what she doesn't know won't hurt her." "Right, just us." "Go ahead." "Okay." "KRISTINA:" "No, you go ahead." "ADAM:" "All right." "KRISTINA:" "You wanted to do this." "All right, okay." "We'll just get in, we'll get out." "All right." "Get in, get out." "Let's do it." "What exactly are we looking for?" "I don't know, anything that smells like "Yo-Yo."" "Smells like "Yo-Yo."" "Okay." "Hey, what about her computer?" "Her Facebook page." "What about that?" "All right." "Good idea, good idea." "Okay." "All right." "(SIGHS) I don't know her password." "Oh, I used to know it." "All right." "HaddieDaddy." "Really?" "That's sweet." "Mmm-hmm, she was 12." "And she's changed it." "I don't know." "(SIGHS)" "Yo." "Yo." "Can I shower in here?" "The masturbatorium is occupied." "Please, will you give him a break?" "Please not shame your brother." "He's 14, okay?" "He has needs." "I think I know pretty much everything there is to know about fourteen-year-old boys and their needs." "Thank you for that." "Oh, Aunt Julia called." "I don't have to babysit." "Why not?" "I don't know." "Well, what'd she say?" "What was the reason?" "Who cares?" "I care." "I'm gonna shower." "She didn't give any reason at all?" "She didn't postpone?" "Did she... (SHOWER RUNNING)" "Hello?" "So, I heard the kid-proofing went well." "CROSBY:" "Indeed." "Even found something of mine." "At least I didn't mention your special mixing beaker." "What mixing beaker?" "Okay, look, I got it." "ADAM:" "What?" "Haddieho." ""Haddieho"?" "Uh-huh." "That's not good." "It says she's in a relationship, has been for a month." "A month?" "Is that him?" "Is that him?" "Must be." "Yo-Yo." "AKA Steve Williams." "He's a junior at Haddie's high school." "Junior." "What else?" "What else?" "What else?" "Well, he's got a rap sheet." "What?" "That's not funny." "KRISTINA:" "It's not even close." "Okay, look, they're Facebook official." "They're not eloping to Vegas." ""Facebook official"?" "It's not a suicide pact, they're just dating." "How much masturbating is too much?" "ADAM:" "I'm sorry." "What?" "(WHISPERING) For Drew." "He's in the bathroom, like, a lot." "Like, six or seven times a day." "Look, Sarah, that's totally normal." "Okay, so..." "Is it too much?" "I don't know what to do." "Look, I've got problems of my own, okay?" "Haddie has a boyfriend." "Of course Haddie's got a boyfriend." "She's 15, she's cute." "Adam, don't be a dork." "Yeah, okay, and you know what, they're Facebook official." "And, you know, she hasn't said anything to Kristina and I about it." "Well, of course she doesn't talk to you about it." "That's not a problem, I've got a kid who I'm afraid might injure himself." "It's the one time I could actually use some help from his lame father, who won't call me back." "You know, with Amber, she got her period," "I said, "You okay?" She said, "Screw you."" "She was fine, but him, I just..." "So?" "I can't be the man for him, you know?" "Oh, you're asking me to talk to him about it?" "Oh, God, Adam, would you?" "Yeah, absolutely." "No problem." "Just don't make him feel weird, okay?" "He's just so sensitive." "Just tell him that it's normal, or almost normal, and he's becoming a man." "I'm going to welcome him to the club." "Yeah." "All that stuff." "Just be positive and encourage him to express himself in other ways, too, you know, with..." "What, like downloading porn?" "Oh, God." "That's outside the shower." "Hey, Sarah." "Oh, yeah, good." "Hey." "I'm glad I got you." "We need to talk here." "Okay, I got to get to work." "Dad, what's up?" "Well, honey, are you aware that we're in the middle of a drought?" "(CHUCKLES) What?" "No?" "Well, somebody in the house is using an awful lot of water." "(SIGHS) Oh, yeah, that." "So, from an environmental standpoint," "I was thinking we need to do something here." "Yeah, I'm as green as the next person, Dad, but he's a 14-year-old boy." "I don't know what to tell you." "That's why I would like to talk to him, mano a mano." "Oh, no." "I still bear the emotional scars of the little talk we had when I was a kid and that was a long, long time ago." "Don't say anything to him, please." "Well, sweetheart, this is not woman's work." "Dad, way to be progressive, Dad." "Come on, honey, I'm a grandfather." "That's what grandfathers are for." "Send me in there." "Dad, thank you so much for this offer." "But, under no circumstances are you to talk to Drew about the..." "Masturbation." "(GASPS) Don't talk to him about it." "Okay?" "Thanks." "Well, honey, it's perfectly natural." "I mean, even I on occasion still... (EXCLAIMS)" "(CAR STARTING)" "Not obsessively." "(REGGAE MUSIC PLAYING)" "JASMINE:" "Permission to come aboard?" "Oh, no, pirates!" "(GROWLS) What's up, sleepover buddy?" "Nothing." "Nothing?" "You ready for this?" "Me too." "I can't tell you how much I appreciate this, Crosby." "Are you kidding?" "I'm fired up." "I should be thanking you." "JASMINE:" "Can I get a hug?" "Can I get a hug?" "Oh." "You be good, okay?" "Okay." "(SIGHS) So, I'm available 24l7 except for the two hours that I'll be dancing." "So, if anything, if you need me, just call me." "I'll be here." "Anything." "You don't need to worry." "Look, I baby-proofed the crap out of this place." "Okay." "Nothing's going to go wrong, right, Jabbar?" "He knows." "Safety first here." "You're a doll." "Thank you." "Thank you." "Thank you." "Have fun." "Okay, no girls allowed." "Bye!" "You're gross." "Cheese or pepperoni?" "Pepperoni." "Pepperoni." "KRISTINA:" "Your cell phone bill was over $200 this month." "You're kidding?" "No." "I had no idea." "That's over a thousand minutes." "Okay, well, I'll pay you guys back." "I'll babysit." "I'll do chores, you know, whatever it takes." "That's like 18 hours in one month." "To one number." "One number." "Steve Williams?" "How do you guys know that?" "Well, when we couldn't reach you, we called his number." "You guys talked to Steve?" "No, we did not talk to him." "We just heard his voice." "We heard his voice." ""Yo." "Yo." "Yo."" "So, how do you know his name?" "(SIGHS) We have our ways." "What ways?" "What did you guys do?" "We went on your computer." "Your Facebook page." "No, you didn't!" "Mmm-hmm." "Mmm-hmm." "You guys broke into my room and you hacked into my computer?" "Wait a second, miss, you have no right to get angry with us." "You have been going out with this boy for over a month without telling us." "Okay, who cares, Homeland Security?" "What you guys did is illegal." "You can't do that, it's a violation of everything." "KRISTINA:" "Oh, no, no, no." "You're Facebook official." "Right." "ADAM:" "That's right." "You go up to your room because you're grounded." "Grounded!" "(HADDIE SPEAKS GERMAN)" "(SIGHS)" "Sucked." "(THUDDING)" "Hey." "Hey." "How did you know that I was here on a Sunday?" "Oh, I was talking to Joel and I'm on my way to work, so..." "I'm so busy, it's insane." "Is that why you canceled Amber?" "Yeah." "Yeah." "If they had their way," "I would never get to see Sydney, let alone have a date night." "So..." "'Cause Joel said you canceled because she doesn't know the area." "Yeah." "Well, I mean, it was a combination of that and the work, you know?" "Mmm-hmm." "Mmm-hmm." "She was really disappointed." "She was?" "She thinks that you don't think she's responsible or capable." "She didn't sound disappointed when I talked to her." "She was." "She was really disappointed, 'cause, you know, back in Fresno, she was a really popular babysitter." "Everybody called her." "She was the go-to girl." "I did not know that." "Well, now you do." "Sarah." "Sorry." "Don't apologize to me." "ADAM:" "How's it going, Drew?" "DREW:" "Okay." "Oh, Grandpa made me do the same thing when I was your age, wash his old truck." "Sucks." "Yeah." "How's everything else?" "Good." "Yeah, I hated washing the old truck." "But there was something I really enjoyed doing when I was your age." "Oh, yeah?" "What?" "And it's nothing to be ashamed of." "It's totally natural." "You know, Woody Allen said," ""Masturbation is having sex with somebody you love," you know?" "Did my mom ask you to talk to me about this?" "No, no, she may have mentioned it." "But, I wanted to talk to you about it because, Drew, it's totally normal, okay?" "And I want to make sure you don't feel weird about it." "We can just, you know, air it out." "Air it out?" "Well, you know, I just wanted to make sure there's no stigma attached to it like hair growing on your palms." "Yeah, can we just not talk and say we did?" "Yeah, but I..." "Thank you." "I just wanted you to know that you can talk to me about anything, all right, like pimples, girls, birth control." "You know about rubbers, right?" "Prophylactics?" "Look, we can just not talk, too, right?" "Yeah, yeah, absolutely." "It's no big deal." "Okay, well, you just, you keep up the good work." "With the washing the truck, I mean." "Not the..." "Or the other thing, too, if you want, 'cause..." "All right, I'm glad we had this talk." "JOEL:" "All right, all right, I had no choice." "Sarah started asking about other nights Amber could babysit and I couldn't think of anything else to say." "So, mea culpa, I totally blew it." "Oh." "Oh, no, it's fine." "I blew it too." "You did?" "We should never have canceled in the first place." "Wait, so now we trust Amber?" "She is a very experienced babysitter." "(SCOFFS) Says your sister." "I trust my sister." "Oh, jeez, I'm sorry." "I forgot the cardinal rule." ""Only a Braverman can criticize another Braverman."" "All right." "You're right." "I'm sorry." "That's a total double standard." "Thank you." "One about which we can do nothing." "(LAUGHS)" "Hey, so, what are we going to do?" "I was thinking that we should call Amber and see if she can still come over tonight." "You're sure about this?" "No, but, I'm optimistic." "So am I." "Good." "Good." "Date night." "Yay!" "So, how did it go?" "What happened?" "What did you say?" "I think I did okay, considering." "Really?" "Well, you didn't use the word, though, did you?" "Why?" "Because, it's just so clinical, you know, "masturbate."" "Uh-huh." "Do you think it's time to let Haddie out of her room?" "It's against the rules to eat peanut butter out of the jar, Dad." "You are absolutely right, buddy." "You're right." "Does that mean I can?" "No, that means that Dad cannot." "You cannot, you broke the rule." "I broke the rule." "KRISTINA:" "He broke the rule." "ADAM:" "Broke the rule." "Hey, you know what, can you do me a favor?" "Can you tell your sister to come downstairs?" "No." "Why not?" "Because she's not upstairs." "Yes, she is, honey." "She's in her room." "No, she's not." "Yo-Yo lives here?" "Honey, don't judge a book by its cover." "You can cook meth anywhere." "I told you that." "(MAN CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)" "I'm out." "Kristina." "Kristina!" "DALE:" "You're Adam Braverman." "And you must be Kristina and Max." "Yeah, hi." "Hi." "MARJORIE:" "Hi." "DALE:" "Yeah, Haddie's shown us pictures." "Yeah." "Yeah, we know, we've heard all about you." "ADAM:" "Max, stay close, buddy." "He's okay." "He's fine." "Okay." "Hi, good to meet you." "We've heard all about you." "Wow." "You have?" "Yeah, we just love her to death." "Oh!" "So, she's not..." "Here?" "No." "Oh, no." "Neither is Stevie." "Would you like to come in, seeing as we're Facebook officially related?" "Yeah, there's that." "Thank you, thank you." "That's nice of you but we're just..." "Max, please don't pull the petals off the flowers." "DALE:" "Oh, no, no." "It's okay." "It's fine." "We understand." "Haddie's told us about the situation." "Yeah." "The what?" "The situation with Max." "Okay." "What are you doing here?" "Oh, well, you know, it's funny we were just in the..." "Checking us out?" "(CHUCKLES) I get it." "Yes." "I get it." "ADAM:" "Yeah." "Caught me." "I understand." "You got me." "If I had a daughter," "I'd want to know where she's spending her time too." "You're doing the right thing." "That's all." "It's fine." "Don't worry." "Okay, you are the one that should be pissed." "They were way out of line." "So, then what do I do when they start interrogating me again?" "Well, first, you have to acknowledge where they're coming from." "It's their job to make your life miserable." "Okay, so what's my job?" "Well, to keep them out of your personal life for as long as humanly possible, which isn't going to be easy." "They're like termites." "They're relentless." "So, then what can I do to make them stop?" "(SIGHS) Deception." "Misinformation." "You flat out lie to their face if you have to." "Although, that does tend to backfire." "Really gets them riled up." "Just remember, they brought this on themselves." "(SIGHS)" "ADAM:" "Hey." "Hey." "ADAM:" "Thanks for responding to my APB." "No problem." "How are you?" "Great." "Yeah?" "Do you know what you're going to say?" "How about, "Get the hell in the car"?" "Great opener." "But after that, what's your plan?" "What are you going to do?" "I don't have a plan, Sarah." "No?" "Have you met this guy?" "No, I just heard his voice on the phone." "He's one of these "Yo." "Yo." "Yo." guys." "That's bad." "Yeah, got that." "Do you think they're having sex?" "Haddie's 15." "I don't..." "Amber was 15 when she hooked up with Damien." "And they were..." "Yes, they were." "She wanted to move in with him and start their lives together." "Well, I don't think Haddie's there yet." "I mean, I'm sure she's not." "So..." "Okay." "Okay." "Positive, in fact." "I believe you." "But it's right around the corner." "And you have to do everything you can to postpone it." "Do you know how to do that?" "No, what do you suggest?" "My God, you have to shut them down." "No phone, no email, no computer..." "All right, okay." "...no texting, no leaving the house, no nothing." "And then when that fails, you just go to Plan B." "Which is what?" "Move." "Thanks for that." "Welcome to my world, Brother." "I cannot believe you would just sneak out like that." "I cannot believe that you would hack into my computer." "I hacked into your computer to find out what's going on with you." "What if I don't want you to know what's going on with me?" "I don't care, Haddie." "I'm your father." "I have a right to know." "I have a right to my privacy." "Not in my house, you don't." "Okay." "Maybe it's different over at Steve's house with Marjorie and Dale." "You didn't!" "Well, where did you think we'd go when we couldn't find out where you were?" "Dad!" "We were worried about you, Haddie." "Oh..." "Oh, my God!" "They knew everything about us and we didn't even know they existed." "How do you think that felt?" "Probably as bad as it feels finding out that your parents have no respect for your privacy." "All right, fine." "You know what, that's it." "No more cell phone." "No more texting." "You go to school." "You come home from school." "That's the way it's gonna be." "No, you have to be kidding me!" "You're kidding!" "I am not kidding." "Do I look like I'm kidding?" "JULIA:" "And last but not least is poison control center, so..." "I think I got it." "Great." "Okay." "Oh." "And we're good, with the whole scheduling snafu?" "Yeah, it was, like, not a big deal at all." "Your mom said you were pretty upset." "She did?" "I probably overreacted or something." "Great. (CLEARS THROAT)" "JOEL:" "Hi." "JULIA:" "Hey, there." "(GRUNTS) Look who's here." "Hello!" "Amber!" "Hi!" "Come here." "(GRUNTS) All right." "Where should we go?" "Over there." "Okay, let's go." "(LAUGHING)" "Yeah." "Okay, so, I guess we're off." "AMBER:" "Okay." "Have fun." "Okay." "Okay." "Oh, I have my cell phone, and it's on." "So, I do, too, if you've, you know, got any reason to call." "Okay, see you later, have fun." "Bye." "Okay." "All right." "You guys have fun." "Bye." "Not too much fun." "AMBER:" "Got it." "JOEL:" "All right." "JULIA:" "Bye." "JOEL:" "Bye, girls, have fun." "JULIA:" "Bye." "(SIGHS) Are they always like that?" "Always." "Whew." "(EXCLAIMS)" "Whoa!" "Do it some more." "Okay." "More!" "CROSBY: (LAUGHS) Whoo-hoo!" "Wow!" "ADAM:" "I could always talk to Haddie." "Always." "Honey, rebelling, it's just part of growing up, you know?" "She hates me." "She doesn't hate you." "She loves you more than anybody else in this entire world and you know it." "Do I?" "Do I really?" "Yes." "But, honey, that's not going to last forever, you know." "She's going to grow up." "She's going to fall in love." "For real." "No, not with that kid, Yo-Yo, she's not." "Okay." "(SIGHS)" "Well, you know, if it's any consolation," "you'll always be the most important man in my life." "Really?" "Mmm-hmm." "CROSBY:" "How do you like your dogs, medium, well done, or burnt to a crisp?" "Uh-oh, we got a problem there?" "It's stuck." "Well, why'd you put your thumb in a can?" "I don't know." "Mmm-hmm." "All right, well, let me take a gander here." "Ow." "Oh, sorry, wow." "That's really in there, isn't it?" "Okay." "Hey, I know just the thing." "Not to worry." "Follow me." "One, two, three!" "Ow!" "It stings!" "Okay." "Oh!" "All right." "Sorry, sorry, sorry." "Okay, we've got a little blood here." "Nothing to be concerned about." "I can't feel my thumb." "Are you serious?" "Okay." "Okay." "(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)" "(LAUGHING)" "Oh, I am so ready for this." "Yeah, me, too." "RACQUEL:" "Joel." "Keep walking." "Keep..." "Come on." "Joelski!" "Hi." "Hi." "JOEL:" "Racquel, look at this." "Of all the gin joints in all the world, huh?" "Hi." "JOEL: (LAUGHS) Hi." "Hi, girl." "Douglas." "Good to see you." "Harmony, hi." "Hi." "And this is Douglas, my husband." "Come, sit, join us." "Oh, thank you..." "That's really sweet, but we're actually on date night." "So are we." "I work so much." "I can't stand to leave Harmony alone with a babysitter." "Sure, sure." "That's commendable." "Right." "We're actually..." "You guys enjoy, all three of you." "And we'll see you later." "Nice meeting you." "Enjoy." "What are the odds?" "Huh?" "JABBAR:" "Ow." "(PHONE RINGING)" "All right." "Hang in there, buddy." "You're doing great." "Come on, pick up." "Pick up." "Ow." "(PHONE RINGING)" "(KRISTINA GIGGLING)" "Come on!" "That's all right, Plan B." "I'm sorry." "Oh, buddy, it's not your fault." "Come on!" "Okay." "(MAN CLEARS THROAT)" "Oh, hi, sorry, you scared me." "Don't worry, this is my sister's house, and we're playing a game." "(LAUGHS) Okay, have a good night." "(AMBER AND SYDNEY CHATTERING)" "Can you do it like that?" "Of course." "(CELL PHONE RINGING)" "Hi." "Okay, come on, pick up." "Don't let me down." "(SIGHS)" "No, but not Doug." "Not Dougie, Douglas?" "Yeah, he's a semiotics professor." "Okay, well." "She's eating bouillabaisse, Joel." "What kind of kid eats bouillabaisse?" "Oh, man, you are so bad." "No, I mean, but Sydney won't even eat my mac and cheese." "(CELL PHONE RINGING)" "Crosby?" "What hospital?" "Date of birth?" "(STUTTERS)" "Five." "He's five." "Address." "Mine or..." "His." "Yeah, it's complicated, so..." "JULIA:" "Hey." "Oh, thank God." "(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)" "Who's this?" "This is Jabbar." "My son." "SARAH:" "Hi." "Hi." "You forgot your biology textbook." "Oh." "Well, I figured you might need it." "Wow, that's so considerate of you." "Thanks." "Hey, you know what's funny?" "For a second, I thought maybe you were checking up on me." "Maybe afraid that I was going to raid the liquor cabinet." "You have no proof of that." "You lied to Aunt Julia." "You said that I was upset because I couldn't babysit." "Yeah, 'cause I know you wanted the money." "Really?" "Really?" "It had nothing to do with you trying to prove yourself to Aunt Julia?" "(SCOFFS) What?" "Okay." "That's enough." "Just don't use me next time, okay?" "(SIGHS) I'm sorry." "Yeah, she just makes me feel a little insecure." "A little?" "Yeah, a little." "Like, you know, the world's worst mother and a complete failure at life, like that kind of little." "(SIGHS)" "Hey, Sydney, do you want to show Aunt Sarah what we've been working on?" "Okay." "Check it out." "Do you remember when we were living in that crappy motel after you split up with Dad, and we had no money and no toys, no nothing?" "No." "Okay, well, I did." "Here." "You made paper turtles." "(SIGHS)" "Amber taught me." "You know who taught Amber how to do this?" "She told me you did." "SARAH:" "That's right." "(SNIFFLING)" "How about I make us some drinks?" "They got a really nice selection over there." "(CHUCKLES)" "You see this?" "This is a slither cream." "Anything that's stuck, gets unstuck." "There we go." "All you have to do is close your eyes." "All right, take a deep breath." "(INHALES)" "And say the magic words." "Slippery, slither, slime." "Slippery, slither, slime." "CROSBY:" "Slippery, slither, slime." "JULIA:" "Oh, presto..." "Oh, you got it." "JABBAR:" "It worked." "Come on." "It really worked." "(KRISTINA CHUCKLES)" "Hey." "Do you think nailing Haddie's window shut was going too far?" "Please tell me you were not thinking about that earlier." "No." "Of course not." "Don't be ridiculous." "Adam." "It just occurred to me." "Really." "Uh-huh." "Honey." "He's sleeping." "So, are you sure he's yours?" "Why?" "'Cause he stuck his finger in a can?" "Because if he is, you have obligations." "Legal obligations, financial obligations." "Have you thought about that?" "You were really great back there in the ER." "Cros, this could be a big deal, okay?" "I'm not kidding." "You're an amazing mom." "I am?" "(LAUGHS) Yeah, like 100%." "Well, thanks." "Thanks for calling me." "I would've thought you'd have called Adam or Sarah first." "Oh, those deadbeats?" "I mean, come on." "(SLOW MUSIC PLAYING)" "When my father found out that I was dating, he nearly had a heart attack." "I mean..." "How old were you?" "Oh, 16." "Trevor Dunne." "He wore a puka shell necklace, he was real tan, and..." "Okay." "Did your dad nail your window shut?" "Honey, my dad was nothing like yours." "Trust me." "The point is, is when it comes to dads and their daughters dating, it's like, it's primordial." "It's like that lizard part of their brain kicks in, and they just..." "Okay, so, basically Dad can't help himself." "Right, yeah." "Just like you can't." "So, Dad's just going to hate Steve no matter how awesome he is?" "No, no, I didn't say that." "I think that he'll come around eventually, if he's as awesome as you say he is." "He is." "He is?" "Good." "You have to promise me, though, no more sneaking around." "Okay, I'm sorry." "How mad is Dad?" "You know, honey, I think he's more scared than anything." "Of what?" "Of losing you." "(SHOWER RUNNING)" "(DOORKNOB RATTLING)" "Hey, Drew, coming in." "Hey, no, no, no." "I'm still in here." "So, kiddo, we need to talk about some water conservation." "Now?" "I don't..." "Well, you know, your uncles had the same problem." "Adam was the worst." "I think he was gonna set some kind of record." "I almost called Guinness." "Can we just not right now?" "When it comes to testosterone, the Braverman men are blessed with an abundance of riches, Son." "Grandpa..." "Pride..." "Pride and glory is what you should be feeling, Son, at the bounty of the Braverman libido." "You know what libido is?" "Oh, my God." "Please not right now." "But even a Braverman, nay, especially a Braverman, needs to learn to control these gifts." "You know, what I'm talking about here is moderation." "I mean..." "For golly sakes, hell, I remember what it was like." "I was on R and R in Bangkok, you know." "And of course I went a little nuts..." "Hey." "(WHISPERING) How'd it go?" "I rocked it." "Oh, good." "I couldn't have done it without you." "Oh, I'm glad you kicked ass." "How'd everything go here?" "He's still sleeping." "(WHISPERS) Oh, okay." "What happened to the thumb?" "It was a fishing accident." "Oh." "Am I still your favorite man in the world?" "Mmm-hmm." "I got to get this salad done though, babe." "I promised your mom." "Really, 'cause I'm still feeling kind of sad." "(LAUGHS) Okay, stop." "All right." "Any news on the Yo-Yo front?" "I want to show you something." "Come here." "(HADDIE AND MAX WHISPERING)" "How long have they been like that?" "About an hour." "(FOLK MUSIC PLAYING)" "ADAM:" "Hey." "Don't worry." "I'm not going to say anything about anything." "You promise?" "Yeah." "Hey." "(LAUGHS)" "(ALL EXCLAIMING)" "I'll take it out, I'll take it out." "Put it up." "(CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)" "(ALL EXCLAIMING)" "You said I shouldn't talk to him, right?" "What can I say?" "You're the man, Dad." "'Uh-huh." "I'm sorry, what?" "Hey, Syd." "Sydney, look at this." "Whoa, do it again, Grandpa." "Okay." "Oh, hey, Sydney." "Hey, hey, hey, hey." "(LAUGHS)" "Daddy." "This is Steve." "Mr. Braverman, it's really good to meet you, sir." "Whassup?"