"Takes me back, James, driving this old lady." "How long's the Rover off the road?" "It'll be back tomorrow, only needs servicing." "You don't mind me driving, do you?" "No." "The brakes aren't too good though." "Not after that bump in the garage." "Brakes." "You're always on about brakes." "A decent driver doesn't need brakes!" "Don't fuss." "Sorry." "(Tyres screech)" "(Gears grind, engine revs, horn honks)" "(Chickens squawk)" "(Honking horn)" "Might've warned me, the state you let these brakes get into." "We might both have been killed back there." "Yes, Siegfried." "(Church bells tolling)" "Morning, Mr Herriot." " Morning, Mrs Hall." "Long night, eh?" " There's one thing I'll never understand." "What's that?" " The fuss about the dawn." "None of 'em that makes the fuss has ever been up at that hour." "Oh." " Bacon and eggs all right?" "Food fit for the gods." " You've got an early call here." "Oh, can't Mr Farnon do it?" "He's not been seen since breakfast." "What about Tristan?" " He's eating his." "(Sighs) Thank you, Mrs Hall." "(Dog barking)" "Morning, Mr Biggins." " Morning?" "If you'd been up as long as me you'd think it were nearly afternoon." "Yes, I'm sure I would." "Waiting room's full, is it?" " What?" "Oh." "You know what they say - "Early to bed and early to rise" ""makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise."" "Couldn't have been a vet." "How can I help you, Mr Biggins?" "That remains to be seen, don't it?" "One of my sows is bad." "What's the problem?" " Nay, lad, that's up to thee to tell me." "If I knew what t'trouble was I shouldn't be sat here." "I've got better things to do." " l'm sure you have, Mr Biggins." "But I would like a little information, if you don't mind." "Off what?" " lt." "If you could be a bit more explicit?" "Bad." "Off." "Dowdy!" " Ahh." "Anything else?" "How much more do you want?" "She's a very poorly pig!" "If you'd tell me I'll know what to bring when I come to see her." "Now, what is she doing exactly?" "She's doing nowt." "That's what bothers me." "How long for?" " Let's see..." "For some time." " l'm famous for being patient." "I've put up with rudeness, contempt, abuse and I've readily turned the other cheek." "I've been up all night with a difficult calving and I've had no breakfast." "Now, please let me know how long she's been like she's been." "No need to get so aerated!" " How long, Mr Biggins?" "Ever since I got her!" "There's a fresh pot of tea on the table." "Thank you, Mrs Hall." "I'll come out later on, all right?" "Why couldn't you have said so instead of making all this song and dance about it?" "Nay!" "Morning, James." "Has the post come?" "I haven't seen it." " How did it go last night?" "I can't remember a more enjoyable night." "In that barn half-naked in a force nine gale with a reluctant cow." " lt's a feeling of achievement." "I remember you once telling me." "When I see your intrepid figure tramping off into the night I feel you're an inspiration to us all." "Oh, shut..." " (Woman) Mr Herriot?" "Mrs Bond?" "My breakfast's waiting!" "It's you she wants." " l'm not sure that I want her." "Yoo-hoo!" "Mr Herriot?" "!" "Your breakfast, Mr Herriot." " l'm waiting, Mr Herriot!" "I'm coming, Mrs Bond." "Morning, Mrs Bond." " Mr Herriot." "One of the cats, is it?" " That's right." "Er, it's not Boris. is it?" "No." "I'm afraid Boris is not here." " Oh, really?" "He's at home on the piano." " Oh?" "Stuffed." " Ah." "My husband backed the lorry over him a fortnight ago." "Swore he never saw him." "Oh, dear." "Poor old Boris." "Wonder what he'll come back as next time." "Probably one of Hitler's storm troopers." "It's Seven Times Three." " Pardon?" "The one I want you to look at." "Seven Times Three, that's her name." "Oh, I see." "Seven Times Three." "Pontoon for short." "She had three kittens seven times running." "Oh, yes!" "That's very good." "Now, let's have a look at her." "Ah, Mrs Hall." " Mr Farnon." "is that the post?" " Aye." "And there's one for Mr Tristan." " Really?" "Thanks, I'll take it." "Thank you!" "Well, well, well, well, well." "Helen?" "Mm?" "Tristan's got his letter at last." "is it from Alice?" "Nobody else in Edinburgh goes in for pale mauve envelopes." "Unless he's running a harem up there." "I hope it's from her." "I can't stand those dying spaniel looks that come over him when he realises she hasn't written." "Was that the post?" "Um, yes, on the table." "Just circulars." "You've had your breakfast!" "Why?" "Are you expecting a letter?" " Not especially, no." "Anything wrong, little brother?" "You look like a dying duck." "Please stop using that expression." "What expression?" " "Little brother."" "I'm two inches taller than you and have been for years." "My!" "We are tetchy this morning." "No, we are not." " Oh, yes we are." "Are we sickening for something?" " Why should I be?" "My dear boy, one doesn't have to have a reason." "You're always tetchy when you're sickening." "Say, "Ahh"." "Certainly not!" "I'm not in the least tetchy." "So why are you yelling?" "You're positively hoarse." "Hoarse with shouting at your own brother. lt's shaming!" "Perhaps it's that bang on the head you had a couple of weeks ago." "Delayed concussion." " For heaven's sake, Siegfried." "You get more wicked every day." "Don't worry, Helen, I'll let him have it...eventually." "Enteritis?" " That's what it looks like." "Can you do anything?" "I've done all I can for now." "Let's see how she responds." "Oh, right." "She is very contagious so she needs to be completely isolated." "Right, well, thank you very much, Mr Herriot." "It's a pleasure, Mrs Bond." " Good morning." "Goodbye." " Thank you." "You all right, Tris?" " Fine." "You look a bit down in the mouth." "One isn't down simply because one isn't grinning like a pillar box." "Oh." "Post arrived?" "Circulars." " Ah." "Well...breakfast." "No time for that, James!" " What?" "Morning." "Let's get down to it before the monsoons arrive." "Oh." "Um..." "Compliments of Mrs Hall." "Thank you." " Tristan!" "I want you to go out to Warley's today, his new piglets need their injections." "Why do I always get the pigs?" "Must be the panache with which you deal with them." "In the Drover's Arms " "Betty told me about a bloody encounter you had with a demented sow." "Your footwork was worthy of Valentino in Blood And Sand." "Before my time, I'm afraid." "Ha ha." "Tristan!" "Yes?" "The ravishing Alice of Edinburgh." " What about her?" "Doesn't she have a penchant for pale mauve envelopes, does she?" "You rat, Siegfried." "Now then..." "What's the matter, Tris?" "Her father died...on the way to hospital." "Oh, no." " lt's the reason she hasn't written, with the funeral and whatnot." "You must telephone her." "Yes." "Er, Siegfried?" " Hm?" "I'd like to ask her to come and stay, just for a few days." "Yes, of course." " Thanks." "(." "Gentle music on wireless)" "She's arriving tomorrow, then?" "Yes, apparently." "We'll put her in Tristan's room, push Tristan into the spare room among the spiders." "I'm glad she's coming, I like her." "So do I, very much." "Oh, James, I forgot to tell you," "Mr Blenkinsopp was looking for you." "Oh, no." " Oh, yes." "Well, if it's another cricket match I have hung up my boots." "I don't think it was about cricket." "You know he runs the Darrowby Youth Club?" "I think he was looking for someone to talk to his members." "Really?" " Thought you might volunteer." "Me?" " Yes." "He's potty." " Why?" "Yes, why?" "It's a splendid idea!" "Check!" "I've never done any public speaking in my life." "What better place to cut your teeth?" "What could I talk about?" " About your work!" "They're all from farming families." " No." "Why not?" "With me you talk about nothing else." "There's a difference between talking to you and addressing a crowd of youngsters." "Helen?" " Yes?" "You didn't say I would do it, did you?" "No." "Not exactly." "What do you mean, "not exactly"?" "Not in so many words." "No firm date was fixed." "Firm date...?" "However, I did say you might be free..." "on Monday evening." "We shall have words." "Night, Mrs Hall." "Night, Mr Herriot." " Checkmate." "If you don't want me for anything else I'll be off to bed." "All right, Mrs Hall." "Mrs Hall, do you know Mrs Bond?" "I am." " She believes in reincarnation." "I know, I've heard her." "is there anything in it?" " Nonsense!" "I'm not so sure. I think... there's more than a touch of former border collie about most successful young wives." "A nip here, a nudge there, she can get her man to do anything." "Good night, Mr Farnon." "Oh..." "Thank you." "How are you?" " Not so bad." "I'm sorry about your dad." "Come on!" "How's wee Trissy?" "Oh, he's fine." "Still at home..." "Now, Mr Thwaite, put this in a gallon of his drinking water." "James, by Jove, I think I've got it!" "Oh?" " What does MRCVS mean to you?" "MRCVS?" " Yes." "Um, Member of the Royal College of Veterinary Surgeons?" "There you are, you see?" " Where am I?" "It's the subject for your speech to the Darrowby Youth Club." "Oh, I see." "Yes, that's very good." "There, Mr Thwaite, that should do." "Nice pigeon, Mr Thwaite." "Bye-bye." "Yes, James, you pose the question - thunderously - thus startling them into giving you their attention and then...then you answer it." "Child's play." "For you maybe, my mind would go blank." "Well, write it down and learn it, like a part in a play." "Practice, that's the answer." " Oh?" "From now on, whatever you're doing - driving the car, calving a cow, dressing a wound - just say it over and over again till it's solid in your head." "It's an idea, isn't it?" " lt's the only way." "Besides, Winston Churchill does it all the time." "Just think what heights he might have scaled if he hadn't fallen foul of the hierarchy." "Think on it, James!" " Yes." "(Door slams)" "What does MRCVS mean to you?" "What does MRCVS mean to you?" "What does MRCVS mean to you, eh?" "!" "(Bangs table)" "Well, Mrs Hall?" " Nothing, Mr Herriot." "What does..." "MRCVS..." "More cream, Alice?" " No, I won't, thanks." "With public speaking, James, never let yourself get discouraged." "Discouraged?" " When people don't laugh at your jokes." "All the really good public speakers have hides like rhinos." "Well, I wasn't planning on telling any jokes as such." "No jokes?" " No." "You must tell jokes." " lf only to break the monotony." "What kind of jokes?" " Oh, I don't know..." "Anecdotes, amusing things that happened to you as a vet." "Willie Johnson, for instance." "You remember him." "Passing a stomach tube into a horse and he got it into the trachea instead of the oesophagus." "Couple of pumps, down it went, dead." "That always gets a laugh." "(Laughs)" " You trying to be funny?" "Gosh, no, just trying to be helpful." "Bloated cows go with a bang." " (James snorts)" "Bloated cows?" "My story of how I almost burned the barn down goes down well." "Old Walter Wingate laughed so much he lost his false teeth." "I hardly believe Walter Wingate will be among James's audience." "The thing to do is grab attention at the outset!" "Say something really arresting." "Like what?" " Give them..." "Er, well..." "Your sow is haemorrhaging." "Do you know what to do?" "Your dog has diarrhoea, what does that suggest to you?" "Hm?" "Do you want more pudding, Alice?" "I won't, thanks." " You sure?" "See what I mean, James?" "That would attract their attention." "Excuse me, Mr Farnon, old Mr Kirby's at t'door." "He's in a right state about his nanny goat Dorothy." "is she with him?" " No, but he says she's choking." "That's surprising, most ruminants can digest anything." "Tell him somebody'll be out to see her." "Whose turn is it?" " l suppose it's mine." "Tristan can't go, not with Alice having just arrived." "So I'll go." "Oh, no, I don't mind - what I mean is, can't I go with Trissy?" "I've never met a nanny goat." "(Laughter)" "Honestly, I'd love to go." "All right, Tristan, you heard the lady." "See you later." "Have a good day." " Bye." "Well, now, where was I?" "Your sow was haemorrhaging." "Yes, say your nanny goat was choking - what the hell do you do?" "!" "Here y'are, Dorothy, here's t'vet come." "(Dorothy coughs) lf you could just get a firm hold of her, Mr Kirby." "There's something there all right." "Feels like cloth." "(Dorothy coughs)" "Hm, can't seem to budge it." "(Dorothy coughs)" " Hang on... there's something under her tongue." "Feels like some sort of elastic." "Hang on." "That's got it." "Good grief!" "Rather a lot of it." "(Coughs)" "Mr Kirby...?" "Mr Kirby, whatever's the matter?" "Not in front of a young lady, lad." "Why, what is it?" "Good Lord." "Well, that accounts for the elastic." "They've been missing from t'line all week." "Must have been a bit draughty." " (Laughs) lt was a bit!" "Dorothy fair fettled 'em!" "Well, she'll be fine now, Mr Kirby." "James." " Yes?" "Solve a mystery for me." " What's that?" "What is this fatal fascination you have for Harold Denham all of sudden?" "Hm?" "He telephoned just now, that bitch of his has whelped." "I offered to go, of course, but that wouldn't do." "Now, why is that?" "It's the three draws." "Remember last year I won 16 bob?" "Well, since then Howard's treated me as a sort of local oracle." "He's always done the pools and never won anything." "He probably just wants my advice about Saturday's line-up." "Good Lord!" "(Chuckles)" "Morning!" " Hello, Tris." "At what ungodly hour did you crawl home?" "It was a bit late..." " You were on call last night." "I took two calls after midnight." "Kirby's nanny goat took longer than anticipated." "Really?" "Why?" " She swallowed his red flannel drawers." "Drawers?" " His winter ones, the elastic got stuck round her tongue." "Really, when you tell that sort of lie to cover your nocturnal frolics I do wish you'd strain for some sort of credibility." "It's the truth!" " lf you say so." "Why does no one believe a word I say?" "Because you have a long history of terminological inexactitude." "When are you going to Denham?" "is before lunch convenient?" " Why?" "I need a lift. I'm having the brakes done." "My dear boy, congratulations!" "You'll have to come now." " Thank you." "Tristan can hold the fort!" " Mm-hm." "Alice, my dear!" " Morning, Siegfried." "Did you sleep well?" "This way, James!" "The car's out the front!" " Morning." "(Urgent knocking) - l'd like to speak to Mr Herriot, please." "You've just missed Mr Herriot, Mrs Bond." "Oh, but it's urgent!" " What is it?" "Seven Times Three is much worse." "I think she's in a coma." "It's enteritis, isn't it?" " That's right." "Would you like me to have a look at her?" "Oh, all right." "I suppose it's needs must, isn't it?" "You'll have to give me a lift, I'm afraid." "I'll wait for you!" "(Siegfried) I'm glad you're having those brakes of yours fixed." "Turning into something of a menace on the high roads, you were." "(Dog barking) - (Gears grind)" "Are you coming in?" "I'll just nibble a sandwich." "Shan't get another chance today." "Oh!" "Sorry we're late, Mr Denham." "That's all right, you're here, that's the main thing." "(Car door slams)" "(Whistling The Ride Of The Valkyries)" "It's t'bitch, you see, Mr Herriot." "She had puppies t'other day and ever since she's been having this nasty discharge." "I see." "Well, let's have a look at her." " Right." "Thanks." "Oh, yes, there she is." "Right." "She certainly isn't 100°/°, Mr Denham." "I don't think there's anything left in there but I'll make sure." "If you could bring me some warm water, soap and a towel." "Right." "Um, there was just one thing I did mean to mention actually, Mr Herriot." "Oh, yes?" "What are your feelings about Sunderland and Aston Villa?" "Sunderland and Aston Villa." "It's a bit tricky, under the circumstances." "The circumstances?" " Well, it's Raitt, you know." "Raitt?" " lt's his auntie, she isn't very well." "Oh, dear." "That can affect a player's performance, can that." "Well, quite." "I'll steer well clear of that one." "Strictly entre nous." " l wouldn't breathe a word." "Not a word, eh?" "I'll just go and get t'water." " Fine, thank you." "Now...!" "Now, supposing that your pig was bleeding to death, hm?" "What would you do, eh?" "What would you do?" "Well, you'd send for your MRCVS, of course, but... what would you do in the meantime, eh?" "(Low growling)" " Well, you should know." "You really should know!" "Easy, girl." "Easy..." " (Barking and growling)" "Nothing to worry about." "It's all right." "Good dog." "All right." "(Barks) - lt's all right." "Good dog." "(Growling)" "(Barking)" "Mr Denham!" "Hello, Mr Farnon." " (Siegfried) How are you, Mr Denham?" "Nicely, thanks." "Having a bit of snap, are we?" "You know how it is with us vets, we have to snatch the odd crust when we can." "We're martyrs to our trade." "Can I offer you a glass of Chablis?" "l-l wouldn't say no, Mr Farnon." "I'll just go get a cup." "I'm sure Mr Herriot can manage for a minute on his own." "Of course he will." "(Barking continues)" "Mr Denham!" "By 'eck, it's not a bad drop of stuff, Mr Farnon." "A bit boisterous perhaps, but apart from that..." "He's got a real way with animals has Mr Herriot." "Mr Herriot?" "Oh, a real way!" "Especially with dogs." " Just what I was going to say." "And they sense it, don't they?" "What!" "They do that!" " Can't deceive a dog." "Right." " More wine?" "(Growling) - (Wood cracking)" "Mr Denham!" "(Growling and barking, banging against door)" "(Scratching on door)" "Here y'are, Mr Herriot." "Ah, well, I won't be needing that after all, Mr Denham." "I have had a look at her." " Oh?" "And there's nothing to worry about." "But just to make sure, I'll send young Mr Tristan Farnon over to give her a further check, all right?" "Right." " Bye." "I'm sorry, there's nothing more we can do." "The only thing left is to put her out of her misery." "Right." "One's always your favourite, however many you have." "I suppose there is." "Some people say that cats are cold, unfeeling." "It's because they're proud, uncompromising." "Keep themselves to themselves." "They're not ingratiating like dogs." "I've always liked that about cats." "She won't feel a thing." "I've seen them put down before many a time." "(Tristan sighs) Right." "That's it." "You say there are two more?" "Over here." "They started the same way she did." "Will they go the same way?" "I'd be lying if I said there wasn't a distinct possibility they would, Mrs Bond." "(Mrs Bond) I see." "There's a new vaccine l was reading about the other day." "It's not on the market yet but it's a local manufacturer." "I could ring them." " Mr Herriot never mentioned that." "It was only a couple of lines in one of the trade papers." "Oh." "Well, all right." "Right. I'll go and wash my hands if I may, and I'll be in touch as soon as I can." "Goodbye." "Bye. I am sorry about your cat." "(Alice) Will it do the trick?" "Hard to say." "It's in the experimental stage but the results have been promising." "It's worth a try." "It really matters to you, doesn't it, Trissy?" "Saving those cats." "Did you think it wouldn't?" "You gave the impression it was just a way of making a living." "It is most of the time." "Perhaps this time I got involved." "Perhaps it's you." "Me?" " Bringing out the best in me." "I do love you, Trissy." "Do you have to go back on Saturday?" " Afraid I do." "Stay another week." " l couldn't possibly do that." "My mother can hardly cope as it is." "Especially with dad not there to run the bar." "Mmm." "What are you doing about that?" "We're managing just." "It's hard to find people you can trust." "Yes, it must be." "When will you be up again?" "Sometime early next year." "Seems crazy, you up there and me down here." "Oh, as soon as I've gone you'll be on the phone to your other girlfriends." "No." "(Footsteps descending stairs)" "Siegfried?" " Yes, my dear?" "Where has James got to?" "Yes, the Dunn sisters'." "Their sow needed stitching." "He's not back?" "No, and we're due at the youth club in half an hour." "Yes, you are, aren't you?" "Will you tell him I've made my own way?" "Yes, my dear, I will." "That's...charming." " What?" "The hat." "Very pretty." " Thank you." "(Siegfried) Hm... (Tristan) Siegfried, how would you react if I were to ask you for a few days off?" "A few days off?" " That's right." "What for?" " To go to Edinburgh." "What?" "To go to Edinburgh." " To go to Edinburgh?" "!" "To sort things out with Alice." " What things?" "You're...?" "!" "You're not thinking of marriage, are you?" "Not as such." "Well, what if I was?" "What's wrong with that?" "So it's finally happened?" "Those rivers of alcohol you've consumed have finally reached your brain cells." "I love the girl..." " Love?" "!" "Love?" "!" "My dear boy, I'm in love with all women but it doesn't necessarily precipitate me into marriage!" "But..." " Tristan, shush." "Sit down." "What are you going to live on?" "You're not even qualified yet." "There are other lines of work, you know." "Such as?" " The licensing trade, for one." "The licensing trade?" "Say I did marry her, I move to Edinburgh." "Her mother's having the greatest difficulty finding bar staff." "I could offer my services." " What?" "Well, why not?" "I feel entirely at home in bars. I always have." "There must be worse ways of spending one's life." "Whose lunatic idea is this, yours or the ubiquitous Alice's?" "She knows nothing about it." "And she's anything but ubiquitous." "It's your future we're discussing, not the English language." "Are you seriously considering throwing over everything, a potentially brilliant career as a vet, to say nothing of the years of work that I've put in to run a Scottish gin mill?" "It is not a gin mill." "It's a respectable hotel, they have a bathroom on nearly every floor!" "Even if they hadn't, if I want to marry her I will marry her!" "There's nothing you or Mother or anyone else can do about it!" "(Door slams, Tristan runs upstairs)" "(Piano playing)" "My dear!" " Mr Blenkinsopp." "James isn't with you." "Oh, I thought he might have made his own way." "No." "Well, I'm sure he won't be long, wherever he's got to." "Um, all right, boys and girls, er, gather round now." "Come and sit down, we'll be starting soon." "Come along, Timothy." "It's Prudence, Mr Herriot." " Our sow." "Such a dear, really." " She ruins her!" "I can't help me nature, dear." "There you are!" " lsn't she sweet?" "Hardly sweet, dear." "She's a Scorpio, you know." "Short-tempered." " l'm Scorpio." "Exactly, dear." "One can't be held responsible for one's stars." "I don't believe it applies with pigs." "Do you, Mr Herriot?" "Course it does!" "Look at Rufus." "He was a terrible show-off." "Rufus?" " He was a cockerel we had." "And a typical Leo." " You don't know that he was a Leo." "Yes I do, I checked deliberately with the farmer." "He was hatched on July 25th." "Ah, yes, but when was that egg laid?" "Oh. I hadn't thought of that." "I am a bit late actually, so I'll just give her a couple of stitches." "You won't hurt her, will you?" "I couldn't bear her being hurt." "She gets hopelessly attached to them." "I've warned her and warned her." "I can't help me nature, dear." "Don't you worry, it'll be over before she knows what happened." "Oh, I..." "I feel quite faint already." "You'll just have to excuse me, Mr Herriot, I must go and sit down." "Right." "Excuse me." "Should I take the bag?" " Thank you." "(James) Come on, old thing." " (Prudence grunts)" "Prudence!" "Prudence!" "Come out of there at once, d'you hear?" "!" "(James) Come on." "Round you go!" " (Prudence grunting)" "Out you go!" "Right!" "Ah!" "Come on, stop that at once." "(Grunts)" " Shh." "Quiet!" "Tactics, that's what's called for, Mr Herriot." "Tactics." "Now, please, boys and girls, stop that." "Let's remember our manners." "They're rather a high-spirited lot." "Yes, so I see." " Ow!" "What you need, Mr Herriot, is to get that naughty girl into a confined space, right?" " Right." "If we can get her into one of those narrow stalls there she won't be able to move at all." "Fine." "How do we manage to do that exactly?" "(Both) Tactics, Mr Herriot." " Ah." "Open the gate, Matilda." "She has an absolute passion for digestive biscuits." "Oh." "Miss Dunn, couldn't you throw one further on to speed things up?" "We couldn't possibly do that." "You couldn't?" " Good Lord, no!" "It wouldn't work." " Show him, dear." "Shall I?" " Yes, of course." "She knows, you see." "Clever." "She knows?" " That this way she gets more." "You see?" "Never underestimate a pig, Mr Herriot." "Especially not a Scorpio." "(Boy) Come on, give us it!" "(All arguing)" "I can't think what can have happened, Mr Blenkinsopp." "It's not like him to let people down." "Oh, well, we can always try again some other time." "(Blenkinsopp) Ah, there he is." "James, at last!" " Oh, I'm sorry, darling." "Whatever have you been doing?" "Feeding a pig with biscuits." "What?" " lt's a long story. I'll tell you later." "Ready, Mr Herriot?" " Whenever you are." "Come along now, boys and girls, let me have your attention." "Here it is at last, the moment we've all been waiting for." "Er, if Seth and Harry, if you could leave that and come and join us." "Thank you." "We're all in for an absolutely riveting half an hour." "(Boy snorts, all laugh)" "That's quite enough of that, Charlie Handshaw." "So let's have a big welcome for our guest speaker this evening," "Mr James Herriot." "(Applause)" "Thank you. I'm going to start with... I'm going home tomorrow, Trissy." "Tomorrow?" " Yes." "But why?" "is anything the matter?" "Of course not." "I've had a wonderful time." "But then I always do with you." "Do you know why?" "Because you're one of the least complicated people I've ever met." "Trissy... you know there's a war coming and things might never be the same again, so you're not doing what some daft things are doing and getting married." "Let's face it, it's no time to be putting down roots, is it?" "I'm sure I certainly wouldn't want to." "I don't believe there will be a war." "Don't you, Trissy?" "Keep in touch." "Oh, yes, we'll do that all right." "And now I'm gonna tell you about a man named Willy Johnson." "He considered himself to be a first-class horse doctor." "One day he had to get this tube into the stomach of a horse." "Unfortunately he got the tube into the trachea instead of the oesophagus." "Two quick pumps... and down it went, dead as a hammer." "(James laughs)" " Whose horse was it?" "Was it his horse?" " Er, well, no..." "He was trying to cure it." " And did he kill it?" "Yes, I'm afraid he did." " Why?" "He didn't mean to kill it, it just sort of happened." "Why did it happen?" " lt was an accident." "Have you ever had an accident?" " Oh, yes." "Have you killed any horses?" " Well, no." "Not accidentally." "I have had to put them down." "What does that mean?" " Well...kill them." "Why?" "Don't you like horses?" "Yes, of course, but sometimes I had to because they were poorly." "Do you always kill 'em?" " No!" "Hardly ever." "My rabbit were poorly and this man killed it and he were a vet." "Oh?" "That does sometimes have to be done." "I didn't want him to kill it." "No, I'm sure you didn't." "Well, let's get on." "Um, where was I?" "You were telling us about a man what killed poorly horses." "That was just an example of the sort of thing that can go wrong." "Now..." "Bloated cows!" "(Helen chuckles)" "So, you've got a cow and it's all swollen up, ready to burst." "(Girl) Why?" " lt's full of gas, it has to be released." "So you take a knife, right, and you stick it right into the cow." "To kill it?" "!" "No!" "No, it just helps to release the gas and make the cow better." "Have you ever killed any cows?" "Occasionally." " What other animals have you killed?" "Oh, all sorts." " Jesus says it's wrong to kill!" "Jesus is right but sometimes it's in the animal's best interests to be killed." "Do they want to be killed?" "!" " No, they don't want to..." "My rabbit didn't want to be killed." "It ran away, but my mam ran after it and made it be killed." "I once saw a cat what were run over." "Do rabbits go to heaven?" " Yes, they do." "Don't they, Mr Blenkinsopp?" " Oh, I wouldn't doubt it." "is he up there now?" " He is." "I want him back!" "(Sobbing)" "Ah, shut up about your rotten rabbit." "I want him!" "I want him!" "I want him!" " (Children jeering)" "No, shush!" "What we're going to do now is... talk about, er, a strange disease in cows called mastitis." "Now, mastitis..." " (Drowned out by shouting)" "Me sister took me to see it!" "Right, I'm away." "I'll see you next time I'm up for my exams." "Just make sure you fail them again." "(Laughs)" "Well, goodbye, Trissy." " Bye." "(Church bell tolling) I don't understand, there's two pounds, four pounds, ten shillings, nine pounds, three shillings..." "That's because that one and that one were on a job together..." "Ah, Tristan, a message for you from Mrs Bond!" "She'd like you to call and see the kittens." "How are they?" " Sound in wind and limb." "I think she wants to thank you personally." "Oh, really?" " Yes." "I wouldn't be surprised if we don't make a vet of you after all." "Well done, little brother." "Oh, sorry." "Well, damn it, I can't call you big brother, can I?" "Ahem."