"BAXTER:" "On November 1, 1959, the population of New York City was 8,042,783:" "If you laid all these people end to end,  figuring an average height of five feet, six-and-a-half inches,  they would reach from Times Square to the outskirts of Karachi, Pakistan:" "I know facts like this because I work for an insurance company," "Consolidated Life of New York:" "We're one of the top five companies in the country:" "Our home office has 31,259 employees,  which is more than the entire population of Natchez, Mississippi:" "I work on the nineteenth floor:" "Ordinary Policy Department,  Premium Accounting Division," "Section W, desk number 861:" "My name is C:" "C:" "Baxter:" ""C" for Calvin, "C" for Clifford:" "However, most people call me Bud:" "I've been with Consolidated for three years and 10 months,  and my take-home pay is $94:70 a week:" "(PRINTING)" "The hours in our department are 8:50 to 5:20:" "(BELL RINGING)" "They're staggered by floor so that 16 elevators can handle the 31,259 employees without a serious traffic jam:" "As for myself,  I very often stay on at the office and work for an extra hour or two,  especially when the weather is bad:" "It's not that I'm overly ambitious:" "It's just a way of killing time until it's all right for me to go home:" "You see, I have this little problem with my apartment:" "I live in the West sixties,  just half a block from Central Park:" "My rent is $85 a month:" "It used to be $80 until last July,  when Mrs:" "Lieberman, the landlady,  put in a secondhand air-conditioning unit:" "It's a real nice apartment, nothing fancy,  but kind of cozy, just right for a bachelor:" "The only problem is I can't always get in when I want to:" "(LATIN MUSIC PLAYING)" "(HUMMING)" "Cut it out, Sylvia." "We've got to get out of here." "Well, what's the panic?" "I'm going to have another Martooni." "Oh, please, Sylvia, it's a quarter of 9:00." "Well, first you can't wait to get me here, and then it's rush, rush, rush!" "Makes a person feel cheap." "Sweetie, it's not that, but I promised the guy I'd be out of here by 8:00 positively." "What guy?" "Whose apartment is this, anyway?" "What's the difference?" "Some schnook that works in the office." " Good evening, Mr. Baxter." " Evening, Mrs. Lieberman." " Some weather we're having." " Yeah." "Must be from all that mishegaas at Cape Canaveral." " You're locked out of your apartment?" " No, no." "Just waiting for a friend." " Good night, Mrs. Lieberman." " Good night, Mr. Baxter." " Where do you live?" " I told you, with my mother." " Well, where does she live?" " 179th Street in the Bronx." "All right, I'll take you to the subway." "Like hell you will." "You'll buy me a cab." "Why do all you dames have to live in the Bronx?" " You mean you bring other girls up here?" " Certainly not." "I'm a happily married man." "Hello there, Mrs. Dreyfuss." " Something's the matter?" " No, I seem to have dropped my key." "Here it is." "Such a racket I heard in your place." "Maybe you had burglars?" "Don't you worry about that." "There's nothing in there anybody'd want to steal." "Good night, Mrs. Dreyfuss." "(DOORBELL RINGING)" "Sorry to bother you, Buddy-boy, but the little lady forgot her galoshes." "Mr. Kirkeby, I don't like to complain, but you were supposed to be out of here by 8:00." "I know, Buddy-boy, I know, but those things don't always run on schedule like a Greyhound bus." "Well, I don't mind in the summer, but on a rainy night..." "I haven't had any dinner yet." "Sure, sure." "Look, kid, I put in a good word for you with Sheldrake in personnel." " Mr. Sheldrake?" " That's right." "We were discussing our department manpower-wise, promotion-wise." "I told him what a bright boy you are." "They're always on the lookout for young executives." "Thank you." "You're on your way up, Buddy-boy, and you're also out of liquor." "Oh, I know." "Yeah, Mr. Eichelberger, Mortgage and Loan department, last night he had a little Halloween party here." "Lay in some vodka and some vermouth and put my name on it." "Yes, Mr. Kirkeby." "You still owe me for the last two bottles." "Yeah, I'll pay you on Friday." "Oh, and what ever happened to those little cheese crackers you used to have around?" "Cheese crackers." "Cheers." "Good evening, Baxter." "Hi, Doc." "What, you have a late call?" "Yeah, some clown at Schrafft's 57th Street ate a club sandwich and forgot to take out the toothpick." "Good night, Doc." "Say, Baxter." "The way you're belting that stuff, you must have a pair of cast-iron kidneys." "Well, that's not me." "I mean, it's just..." "Once in a while, I have a few people in for a drink." "As a matter of fact, you must be an iron-man all around." "From what I hear through the walls, you got something going for you every night." "I'm sorry if it gets noisy." "Sometimes there's a twinight double-header." "(TSKING)" " A nebbish like you." " Yeah." "Well, I'll see you, Doc." "You know, Baxter," "I'm doing some research at the Columbia Medical Center." " I wonder if you could do us a favor." " Me?" "When you make out your will, and the way you're going, you should, would you mind leaving your body to the university?" "My body?" "I'm afraid you guys would be disappointed." "Good night, Doc." "Slow down, kid!" "(SIGHS)" "For heaven..." "From the world's greatest library of film classics,  we proudly present Greta Garbo, John Barrymore," "Joan Crawford, Wallace Beery and Lionel Barrymore in Grand Hotel." "But first, a word from our sponsor:" "If you smoke the modern way,  don't be fooled by phony filter claims:" "(GUNS FIRING)" "(SHOUTING)" "(BUGLE PLA YING)" "And now Grand Hotel, starring Greta Garbo, John Barrymore," "Joan Crawford, Wallace Beery and Lionel Barrymore:" "But first,  a word from our alternate sponsor:" "Friends, do you have wobbly dentures?" "(PHONE RINGING)" " Hello?" " Hiya, Buddy-boy." "I'm in this bar on 61st Street, and I got to thinking about you, and I figured I'd give you a little buzz." "Well, that's very nice of you, but..." "Who is this?" "Dobisch." "Joe Dobisch in Administration." "Oh, yeah, Mr. Dobisch." "I didn't recognize your voice." "That's okay, Buddy-boy." "Now, like I was saying," "I'm in this joint on 61st, and I think I got lucky." "I'm sorry, Mr. Dobisch." "I like to help you fellows out, but it's sort of late." "So why don't we make it some other time?" "Listen, kid, I can't pass this up." "She looks like Marilyn Monroe." "(GIGGLING)" "I'm already in bed, and I've taken a sleeping pill, so I'm afraid the answer is no." "Look, Baxter, we're making out the monthly efficiency rating, and I'm putting you in the top 10." "Now you don't want to louse yourself up, do you?" "Of course not, but how can I be efficient in the office if I don't get enough sleep at night?" "It's only 11:00, and I just want the place for 45 minutes." "I'm getting lonely." " Who are you talking to, anyway?" " My mother." "Oh, that's sweet." "That's real sweet." "Ooh." "Make it 30 minutes." "What do you say, Bud, huh?" "I'm all out of liquor." "There's no clean glasses." "There's no cheese crackers." "No nothing." "Let me worry about that." "Just leave the key under the mat and clear out." "Yes, Mr. Dobisch." "Anything you say, Mr. Dobisch." "No trouble at all, Mr. Dobisch." "Be my guest!" "We never close at Buddy-boy's." ""Looks like Marilyn Monroe."" "(LAUGHING MOCKINGLY)" "(DOOR CLOSES)" " This the place?" " Yeah." " How much?" " DRIVER: 70 cents." "Get the money, will you?" "Watch those stingers!" " Give him a buck." " DRIVER:" "Thanks, lady." "Put it back, honey." "Attagirl." " Are you sure this is such a good idea?" " Can't think of a better one." "I mean, barging in on your mother in the middle of the night." "Don't worry about the old lady." "One squawk from her, and she's out of a job." "(DOOR CLOSES)" "(LAUGHING)" "Get the key, will you?" "Not there." "Under the mat." " Under the mat?" " Yeah, come on, come on." "Open up, open up." "We haven't got all night." " This is your mother's apartment?" " That's right." "(WOMAN LAUGHING)" "(LATIN MUSIC PLAYING)" "Mildred, he's at it again!" "Morning, Mr. Kirkeby." "How are you, Baxter?" "They keeping you busy these days?" "Yes, sir, they are indeed." " Good morning, Mr. Kessel." " Good morning, Miss Robinson." "Good morning, Mr. Williams." "Good morning, Miss Livingston." "Good morning, Mr. McKellway." "Good morning, Mrs. Schubert." "Good morning, Mr. Davidson." "Good morning, Mr. Kirkeby." " Morning, Miss Kubelik." " Good morning, Mr. Baxter." "Morning, Miss Kubelik." "That's all." "Take it away." "Watch the door, please." "Blasting off." "What did you do to your hair?" "It was making me nervous, so I chopped it off." " Big mistake, huh?" " No." "I sort of like it." "(SNIFFS)" " You've got a lulu." " Yeah." "Better not get too close." "I never catch colds." "Really?" "I was running some figures from the Sickness and Accident Claims division." "Do you know that the average New Yorker between the ages of 20 and 50 has two-and-a-half colds a year?" " Now, that makes me feel just terrible." " Why?" "To make the figures come out even, if I have no colds a year, some poor slob must have five colds a year." "Yeah." "It's me." "You should have stayed in bed this morning." "I should have stayed in bed last night." "Nineteen." "Watch your step, and watch your hands, Mr. Kirkeby." "I beg your pardon?" "One of these days I'm going to shut these doors on you, and..." "Twenty next." "That Kubelik, boy, would I like to get her on a slow elevator to China." "Yeah, she's the best operator in the building." "Yeah, well, I'm a pretty good operator myself." "She just won't give me a tumble date-wise." "Maybe you're using the wrong approach." "A lot of guys around here have tried it." "All kinds of approaches." "No dice." "What's she trying to prove?" "Could be she's just a nice, respectable girl." "There's millions of them." "Listen to him." "Little Lord Fauntleroy:" "(BELL RINGING)" "Hello, Mr. Dobisch?" "This is Baxter on the nineteenth floor." "Oh, Buddy-boy." "I was just about to call you." "I'm sorry about that mess on the living room wall." "You see, my little friend, she kept insisting Picasso was a bum, so she started to do that mural." "It's not Picasso I'm calling about." "It's the key to my apartment." "You're supposed to leave it under the mat." "But I did, didn't I?" "I distinctly remember bending over and putting it there." "Oh, I found the key, all right, only it's the wrong key." "It is?" "Well, how about that?" "No wonder I couldn't get into the executive washroom this morning." "And I couldn't get into my apartment!" "So at 4:00 a.m., I got to wake up the landlady and give her a whole song and dance." "That's a shame." "I'll send the key right down." "And about your promotion." "I'm sending that efficiency report right up to Mr. Sheldrake in Personnel." "I wouldn't be surprised if you heard from him before the day's over." "Thank you, Mr. Dobisch." "(SNIFFS)" "(GROANS)" "(PRINTING)" "From Mr. Dobisch." "Wait." "For Mr. Dobisch." "(SNIFFS)" "(RINGING)" "Vanderhoff, Public Relations." "Oh, yes, Baxter." "Just a minute." "All right, Miss Finch, type up what we got so far." "Look, Mr. Vanderhoff, I've got you down here for tonight, but I'm going to be using the place myself, so I'll have to cancel." "Cancel?" "But it's her birthday." "I already ordered the cake." "But I am sick." "I got a terrible cold and a fever, and I got to go to bed right after work." "If you got a cold, you go to a Turkish bath." "Spend the night there." "Sweat it out." "That's the way you get pneumonia, and if I got pneumonia, I'd be in bed for a month." "Okay, you made your point." "We'll just have to do it next Wednesday night." "That's the only night of the week I can get away." "Wednesday." "Wednesday." "Wednesday." "Wednesday." "I got somebody penciled in." "Let me see what I can do." "I'll get back to you." "Oh." "(EX CLAIMING)" "Mr. Eichelberger." "Oh, yes, Baxter." "What's your problem?" "Wednesday is out." "Oh, that throws a little monkey wrench into my agenda." "Thursday?" "No, I'm all tied up on Thursday." "Let's schedule that meeting for Friday." "Friday." "Let me see what I can do." "I'll get back to you." ""Premium-wise and billing-wise," ""we are 18% ahead of last year, October-wise."" "(PHONE RINGING)" "Hello?" "Yeah, Baxter, what's up?" "Instead of Friday, could you possibly switch to Thursday?" "You'd be doing me a great favor." "Let me check." "I'll get back to you." "Consolidated Life." "I'll connect you." "Sylvia, it's for you." "Yeah?" "Oh, hello." "Sure, I got home all right." "You owe me 45 cents." "Look, Sylvia, instead of Friday, could we make it Thursday night?" "Thursday." "Well, that's The Untouchables with Bob Stack." "Bob who?" "All right, so we'll watch it at the apartment." "Big deal." "Hello, Baxter?" "It's okay for Thursday." "Thank you, Mr. Kirkeby." "(SIGHS)" "Mr. Eichelberger, it's okay for Friday." "Mr. Vanderhoff, okay for Wednesday." "All right, I'll tell him." "Hey, Baxter." "That was Personnel." "Mr. Sheldrake's secretary." "Sheldrake?" "She's been trying to reach you for the last 20 minutes." "They want you upstairs." "Hey, what gives, Baxter?" "You getting promoted or getting fired?" "Would you care to make a small wager?" "Well, I've been here twice as long as you have, and they never..." "Like say, $1.00?" "It's a bet!" " Going up?" " Oh, excuse me." "Hi, 27, please, and drive carefully." "You're carrying precious cargo." "I mean, manpower-wise." "Twenty-seven." "You may not realize it, Miss Kubelik, but I am in the top 10 efficiency-wise, and this may be the day promotion-wise." "You're beginning to sound like Mr. Kirkeby already." "Why not, now that they're kicking me upstairs?" "Couldn't happen to a nicer guy." "You know, you're the only one around here who ever takes his hat off in the elevator." " Really?" " The characters you meet." "Something happens to men in elevators." "Must be the change of altitude." "The blood rushes to their head or something." " Boy, I could tell you stories..." " I'd love to hear them." "Maybe we could have lunch in the cafeteria sometime or some evening after work." " Twenty-seven." " Oh." " I hope everything goes all right." " I hope so." "Wouldn't you know they'd call me on a day like this, what with a cold and every..." "How do I look?" "Fine." "Wait." "Thank you." "You know, that's the first thing I ever noticed about you when you were still on the local elevator you always wore a flower." "Good luck, and wipe your nose." "C.C. Baxter, Ordinary Premium Accounting." " Mr. Sheldrake called me." " I called you." "That is, I tried to call you for 20 minutes." " I'm sorry." "I..." " Go on in." " Baxter?" " Yes, sir." "Come in." "Come in." "I was sort of wondering what you looked like, Baxter." " Sit down." " Yes, Mr. Sheldrake." "Been hearing some nice things about you." "Have a report here from Mr. Dobisch." "Says you're loyal, cooperative, resourceful..." "Mr. Dobisch said that?" "And Mr. Kirkeby tells me that several nights a week, you work late at the office without overtime." "You know how it is." "Things pile up." "Mr. Vanderhoff in Public Relations and Mr. Eichelberger in Mortgage and Loans." "They both would like to have you transferred to their departments." "Very flattering." "Tell me, Baxter, just what is it that makes you so popular?" "I don't know." "Think." "Would you mind repeating the question?" "Look, Baxter, I'm not stupid." "I know everything that goes on in this building, in every department, on every floor, every day of the year." "You do?" "In 1957, we had an employee here, name of Fowler." "He was very popular, too." "It turned out he was running a bookie joint right in the Actuarial department, tying up our switchboards, using our IBM Machines to figure the odds." "So the day before the Kentucky Derby, I called in the vice squad, and we raided the thirteenth floor." " The vice squad?" " That's right." "What's that got to do with me?" "I'm not running any bookie joint." "Just what kind of a joint are you running?" "Sir?" "There's a certain key floating around this office from Kirkeby to Vanderhoff to Eichelberger to Dobisch." "It's the key to a certain apartment, and do you know who that apartment belongs to?" "Who?" "Loyal, resourceful, cooperative C.C. Baxter." "Oh." "Are you going to deny it?" "No." "I'm not going to deny..." "If you just let me explain." "You'd better." "Well." "About a year ago, I was going to night school." "I was taking this course in advanced accounting." "One of the guys in our department, lives in Jersey, had to go to a banquet at the Biltmore." "His wife was meeting him in town." "He needed someplace to change into a tuxedo, so I gave him the key, and word must have gotten out because the next thing I knew, all sorts of guys are suddenly going to banquets." "You give a key to one guy, you can't say no to another." "The whole thing got out of hand, and..." "Pardon me." "Baxter, an insurance company is founded on public trust." "Any employee who conducts himself in a manner unbecoming..." "How many charter members are there in this little club of yours?" "Just those four." "Out of a total of 31,259, so actually, we can be very proud of our personnel, percentage-wise." "That's not the point, Baxter." "Four rotten apples in a barrel, no matter how large the barrel..." "Do you realize if this ever leaked out..." "It won't!" "Believe me, never again." "Nobody is going to use my apartment from now on." " Where is your apartment, Baxter?" " West 67th Street." "You have no idea what I've been going through with the neighbors and the landlady and the liquor and the key and..." "How do you work it with the key?" "I usually slip it to them in the office, and they leave it under a mat." "Never again." "I can promise you that." "(PHONE BUZZING)" "Yes, Miss Olsen." "Mrs. Sheldrake returning your call on 2." "Yes, dear:" "I called you earlier:" "Where were you?" "Oh, you had to take Tommy to the dentist, huh?" "No cavities." "Good." "Hold it, dear." " Where are you going, Baxter?" " I don't want to intrude." "(STAMMERING) I thought since everything was straightened out..." "I'm not through with you yet." "The reason I called is I won't be home for dinner tonight." "The branch manager from Kansas City is in town." "I'm taking him to the theater." "Music Man:" "What else?" "No, don't wait up for me, darling." "Goodbye." "Tell me, Baxter, have you seen Music Man?" "Hmm?" "Not yet." "I hear it's one swell show." "How would you like to go tonight?" "What, you and me?" "I thought you were taking the branch manager from Kansas City." "No." "I have other plans." "You can have both tickets." "Well, that's very kind of you, but I'm not feeling well." "I've got this cold." "I'm going to go right home." "Baxter, you're not reading me." "I told you I have plans." "So do I. I'm going to take four aspirin, get into bed, so you might as well give the tickets to somebody else." "Look, Baxter, I'm not just giving these tickets." "I want to swap them." "Swap them?" "For what?" "It also says here that you are alert, astute and quite imaginative." "Oh?" "Oh..." "(WHISPERING) This?" "That's good thinking, Baxter." "There's going to be a shift in personnel around here next month." "As far as I'm concerned, you are executive material." "I am?" "Now, put down the key." "And put down the address." "It's on the second floor." "There's no name over the door." "It just says Apartment 2-A." "It's that cold." " Relax, Baxter." " Yes, thank you, sir." "You will be careful with the record player?" "Oh, and about the liquor, I ordered some this morning." "I don't know when they'll deliver it." "Now, remember, Baxter, this is going to be our little secret." " Oh, yes, of course." " You know how people talk." "You don't have to worry about that." "Not that I have anything to hide." "Certainly not." "I mean, it's none of my business." "Four apples, five apples." "What's the difference, percentage-wise?" " Here you are, Baxter." " Thank you, sir." " Have a nice time." " You, too, sir." "So I figure a man in his position, he'll take me to El Morocco, maybe 21." "Instead he takes me to Hamburger Heaven and some schnook's apartment." " Good night." " Good night." "Oh!" "Miss Kubelik?" "I've been waiting for you." " You have?" " I almost didn't recognize you." "This is the first time I've ever seen you in civilian clothes." "How did everything go on the twenty-seventh floor?" "Great." "Look, have you seen The Music Man?" "No." " Would you like to?" " Sure." "I thought maybe we'd get a bite to eat first, and then we'd go." " Oh, you mean tonight?" " Yeah." " I'm sorry." "I can't." "I'm meeting somebody." " Oh." " You mean, like a girlfriend?" " No, like a man." "I wasn't trying to be personal." "It's just the fellas in the office, they were wondering about, you know, if you ever..." "You tell them now and then." "This date, is it just a date, or is it something serious?" "Well, it used to be serious, at least I was, but he wasn't." "So now the whole thing's more or less kaput." " In that case, couldn't you..." " No, I'm afraid not." "I promised I'd have a drink with him." "He's been calling me all week." "I..." "I understand." "Well, it was just an idea." "I'd hate to see a theater ticket go to waste." " What time does the show go on?" " 8:30." "Well, I could meet you at the theater, if that's all right." "All right?" "That's wonderful." "It's Majestic on 44th Street." "I'll meet you in the lobby, okay?" "Yeah." "You know, I felt so lousy this morning." "Had a 101 fever." "Now, along comes my promotion and us." "Eleventh row, center." "And you said I should have stayed in bed." " How is your cold?" " What cold?" "After the show, we could go out on the town." "(LILTING)" " I've been taking from Arthur Murray." " So I see." "There's a great little band at El Chico in the Village, practically around the corner from where you live." "Sounds good." "How do you know where I live?" "Oh, I even know who you live with." "Your sister and brother-in-law." "And I know when you were born and where." " I know all sorts of things about you." " How come?" "A couple of months ago, I looked up your card in the group insurance file." "I know your height and your weight and your Social Security number." "You had mumps and measles, and you had your appendix out." "Don't mention the appendix to the fellas in the office, okay?" "I wouldn't want them to get the wrong idea about how you found out." "Bye." "8:30!" "(PIANO PLAYING)" "Good evening, Mr. Sheldrake." "Please, Fran, not so loud." "Still afraid someone might see us together?" " Let me take your coat." " No, Jeff." "I can't stay very long." " Can I have a frozen daiquiri?" " It's on the way." " I see you went ahead and cut your hair." " That's right." " You know I liked it better long." " I know." "You want a lock to carry in your wallet?" " Evening, lady." "Nice to see you again." " Thank you." " How long has it been, Fran, a month?" " Six weeks." "But who's counting?" "I missed you." "Like old times." "Same booth, same song." "It's been hell." "Same sauce, sweet and sour." "You don't know what it's like standing next to you in that elevator day after day." ""Good morning, Miss Kubelik." "Good night, Mr. Sheldrake."" "I'm still crazy about you, Fran." "Let's not start on that again, Jeff, please." "I'm just beginning to get over it." "I don't believe you." "Look, Jeff, we had two wonderful months this summer, but that was it." "Happens all the time." "Wife and kids go away to the country, and the boss has a fling with his secretary or the manicurist or the elevator girl." "Come September, the picnic's over." "Goodbye." "The kids go back to school, the boss goes back to the wife, and the girl..." "They don't make these shrimp like they used to." "I never said goodbye, Fran." "For a while there, you try kidding yourself that you're going with an unmarried man." "Then one day he keeps looking at his watch and asks you if there's any lipstick showing, then rushes out to catch the 7:14 to White Plains." "So you fix yourself a cup of instant coffee, and you sit there by yourself, and you think." "And it all begins to look so ugly." "How do you think I felt riding home on that 7:14 train?" "Why do you keep calling me, Jeff?" "What do you want from me?" "I want you back, Fran." "I'm sorry, Mr. Sheldrake." "I'm full up." "You'll have to take the next elevator." "You're not giving me a chance, Fran." "I asked you to meet me because I have something to tell you." " Go ahead, tell me." " Not here." " Can't we go someplace else?" " No." "I have a date at 8:30." "Important?" "Not very, but I'm going to be there anyway." " You ready order dinner now?" " No." "No dinner." "Just bring us two more drinks, will you?" "(COUGHS)" "Fran, do you remember that last weekend we had?" "Do I?" "That leaky little boat you rented and me in a black negligee and a life preserver." " You remember what we talked about?" " We talked about a lot of things." "I mean, about my getting a divorce." "We didn't talk about it, Jeff." "You did." "You didn't really believe me, did you?" "They got it on a long-playing record now, Music to String Her Along By:" ""My wife doesn't understand me." "We haven't gotten along for years." ""You're the best thing that ever happened to me."" "That's enough, Fran." ""Just trust me, baby." "We'll work it out somehow."" "You're not being funny." "I wasn't trying." "Fran, if you'll just listen to me for a minute." "All right, I'm sorry." "I saw my lawyer this morning." "I wanted his advice about the best way to handle it." " Handle what?" " What do you think?" "Let's get something straight, Jeff." "I never asked you to leave your wife." "Of course not." "You had nothing to do with it." "Are you sure that's what you want?" "I'm sure." "If you'll just tell me that you still love me." "You know I do." "Oh, Fran." "(WOMAN LAUGHING)" "Jeff, darling." "It is getting crowded." "Let's get out of here." "Taxi." " Jeff, please, I have that date, remember?" " And I love you, remember?" "(WHISTLES)" "Where are we going?" "Not back to that leaky boat." "I promise." "51, West 67th." "Congratulations." "Would you mind?" "C.C. Baxter." "That's me." "Thank you." "(DOOR OPENS)" "KIRKEBY:" "Hi, Buddy-boy." "DOBISCH:" "Congratulations and all that jazz." "Hi, fellas." "Well, you made it, just like we promised." "Quite an office." "Name on the door, rug on the floor, the whole schmear." "Teamwork." "That's what counts in an organization like this." "All for one and one for all, know what I mean?" "Yeah, I have a vague idea." "Baxter, we're a little disappointed in you, gratitude-wise." "I'm very grateful." "EICHELBERGER:" "Then why are you locking us out all of a sudden?" "Well, it's been sort of rough the past few weeks, what with my cold and like that." "We went to bat for you, and now you won't play ball with us." "Well, after all, it's my apartment." "It's private property." "It's not a public playground." "VANDERHOFF:" "All right, so you got yourself a girl." "That's okay with us, but not every night in the week." "How selfish can you get?" "Last week, I had to borrow my nephew's car and take Sylvia to a drive-in in Jersey." "I'm too old for that sort of thing." "I mean, in a Volkswagen." "I sympathize with your problem." "Believe me, I'm very sorry." "You'll be a lot sorrier before we're through with you." "Are you threatening me?" "Listen, Baxter, we made you, and we can break you." " Good morning, Mr. Sheldrake." " Good morning, gentlemen." "Everything satisfactory, Baxter?" "Do you like your office?" "Yes, sir, and I want to thank you very much." "Don't thank me." "Thank your friends here." "They're the ones who recommended you." "We just dropped by to wish him the best of luck." "So long, Baxter." "We know you won't let us down." "So long, fellas." "Drop in any time." "The door is always open to my office." "I like the way you handled that, Baxter." "How does it feel to be an executive?" " Oh, fine." " Sit down." "I want you to know I'll work hard to justify your confidence in me." "I'm sure you will." "So, Baxter, about the apartment, now that you've got a raise, don't you think we can afford a second key?" " Well, I guess so." " You know my secretary Miss Olsen." "Oh, yeah, very attractive." "Is she the lucky girl that..." "Oh, no, no, no." "I just meant that she's..." "She's kind of a busybody, always sticking her nose in everything, and passing that key back and forth, why take chances?" "Yes, sir." "You can't be too careful." " I have something I think belongs to you." " Me?" "I mean, the young lady, whoever she may be." "It was on my couch when I got back last night." "Oh, yeah." "Thanks." "The mirror is broken." "It was broken when I found it." " Yeah." "She threw it at me." " Sir?" "Well, you know how it is." "Sooner or later, they always give you a bad time." "Yeah, I know how it is." "You see a girl a couple times a week, just for laughs, and right away they think you're going to divorce your wife." "Now, I ask you, is that fair?" "No, sir, it's very unfair." "Especially to your wife." "Yeah." "You know, Baxter, I envy you." "Bachelor, all the dames you want, no headaches, no complications." "Yes, sir, that's the life, all right." "Oh, put me down for Thursday again." "Roger, and I'll get that other key." "SYLVIA:" "Merry Christmas." "I'll connect you." "Merry Christmas." "Consolidated Life." "Consolidated Life." "Merry Christmas." "I'm ringing." "Yeah?" "Yeah!" "Where?" "You bet!" "Somebody watch my line!" "There's a swinging party on the nineteenth floor!" "Oh, what fun it is to ride in a one horse open sleigh" "Jingle bells, jingle bells Jingle all the way" "Oh, what fun it is to ride in a one horse open sleigh" "Dashing through the snow In a one horse open sleigh" "O'er the fields we go Laughing all the way" "Bells on bobtails ring Making spirits bright" "What fun it is to laugh and sing A sleighing song tonight" "ALL:" "Hey!" "So I said to him, "Never again." ""Either you get yourself a bigger car or a smaller girl."" "Miss Kubelik!" "Miss..." "Merry Christmas." "Thank you." "I thought you were avoiding me." "What gave you that idea?" "In the last six weeks, you've only been in my elevator once, and you didn't take off your hat." "Well, as a matter of fact, I was rather hurt that night you stood me up." "I don't blame you." "It was unforgivable." " I forgive you." " You shouldn't." "You couldn't help yourself." "I mean, when you're having a drink with one man, you can't suddenly walk out on him because you're having another date with another man." "You did the only decent thing." "I wouldn't be too sure." "Just because I wear a uniform, that doesn't make me a girl scout." "Miss Kubelik, one doesn't get to be a Second Administrative Assistant around here unless he's a pretty good judge of character, and as far as I'm concerned, you're tops." "I mean, decency-wise and otherwise-wise." " Cheers." " Cheers." " One more." " Oh, I shouldn't drink while I'm driving." "You're so right." "By the power vested in me," "I herewith declare this elevator out of order." "Shall we join the natives?" "Why not?" "They seem friendly enough." "Don't you believe it." "After a while, there will be human sacrifices." "White-collar workers tossed into the computing machines and punched full of those little square holes." " How many drinks did you have?" " Three." "I thought so." "Wait a minute." "I think I hear the sound of running water." " I'll be right back!" " I'll be right here." "Hi." "How's the branch manager from Kansas City?" "I beg your pardon?" " I'm Miss Olsen, Mr. Sheldrake's secretary." " Yes, I know." "So you don't have to play innocent with me." "He used to tell his wife I was the branch manager from Seattle four years ago when we were having a little ring-a-ding-ding." "I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about." "And just before me, there was Miss Rossi in Auditing, and after me, there was Miss Koch in Disability, and right before you was a Miss..." "What's-her-name on the twenty-fifth floor." " Would you excuse me?" " What for?" "You haven't done anything." "It's him." "Oh, what a salesman." "Always the last booth in the Chinese restaurant and the same pitch about divorcing his wife." "And in the end, you wind up with Egg Foo Yung on your face." "Miss Kubelik." "Well, thank you, Miss Olsen." "Always happy to do a little something for our girls in uniform." "Are you all right?" "What's the matter?" "Nothing." "There are just too many people here." "Why don't we step into my office?" "There's something I want your opinion about, anyhow." "I have my own office now, actually." "You may be interested to know that I am the second-youngest executive in this company." "The only one younger is the grandson of the Chairman of the Board." "(WHISTLES)" "Do you mind?" "Miss Kubelik, I would like your honest opinion." "I've had this under my desk for a week." "It cost me $15." "Haven't been able to get up enough nerve to wear it." "It's what they call the Junior Executive model." "What do you think?" "I guess I made a boo-boo, huh?" "I like it." "Really?" "You wouldn't be ashamed to be seen with somebody in a hat like this?" "Of course not." "Maybe if I wore it a little more to one side." "How's that?" "Is that better?" "Much better." "Well, since you wouldn't be ashamed to be seen with me, how about the three of us going out tonight?" "You, me and the bowler." "We'll stroll down Fifth Avenue, sort of break it in." "This is a bad day for me." "Oh, I understand." "Christmas, family and all that." "I'd better get back to my elevator." "I don't want to be fired." "You don't have to worry about that." "I got quite a bit of influence in personnel." "You know Mr. Sheldrake?" " Why?" " Well, he and I are like that." "He sent me a Christmas card, see?" "Makes a cute picture." "I thought maybe I'd put in a word for you with Mr. Sheldrake, get you a little promotion." "How would you like to be an elevator starter?" "I'm afraid there are too many girls around here with seniority over me." "No problem." "Why don't we discuss it sometime over the holidays?" "I could call you and pick you up." "We'd have a big unveiling." "Are you sure this is the right way to wear this?" "I think so." "Here." "You don't think it's tilted a little too much?" "I mean, after all, this is a conservative firm." "I don't want people to think I'm an entertainer." "What's the matter?" "Well, uh..." "The mirror, it's broken." "Yes, I know." "I like it that way." "Makes me look the way I feel." "(PHONE RINGING)" "Your phone." "Yes." "Just a minute." "If you don't mind, this is sort of personal." "Have a nice Christmas." "Yes, Mr. Sheldrake." "No, I didn't forget." "The tree is up, and the Tom and Jerry mix is in the refrigerator." "Yes, sir, same to you." "(EMPLOYEES LAUGHING)" "(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)" "(CHEERING)" "Hey!" "Where you going, Buddy-boy?" "The party's just starting." "Say, listen, kid, give me a break, will you?" "How about tomorrow afternoon?" "I can't take her to that drive-in again." "The car doesn't even have a heater." "4:00, okay?" "(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)" "Hey, Charlie, give me a shot of bourbon and step on it!" "My sleigh is double-parked." "(RINGING)" "(MUSIC STOPS)" "If you buy me a drink, I'll buy you some music." "Rum Collins." "Rum Collins and another one of these little mothers." "(JUKEBOX PLAYING O COME, ALL YE FAITHFUL)" "You like Castro?" "I mean, how do you feel about Castro?" "What is Castro?" "You know, that big shot down in Cuba with the crazy beard." "What about him?" "Because as far as I'm concerned, he's a no-good fink." "Two weeks ago, I wrote him a letter." "Never even answered me." "That so?" "All I wanted him to do was let Mickey out for Christmas." "Who's Mickey?" "My husband." "He's in Havana in jail." "Got mixed up in that revolution?" "Mickey would do nothing like that." "He's a jockey." "They caught him doping a horse." "Well, you can't win them all." "'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring." "Nothing." "No action." "Dullsville." " You married?" " No." " Family?" " No." "A night like this, it sort of spooks you to walk into an empty apartment." "I said I had no family." "I didn't say I had an empty apartment." "(CRYING)" "Come on, Fran." "Don't be that way." "You're just going to sit there and keep bawling?" "You won't talk to me?" "You won't tell me what's wrong?" "Look, I know you think I've been stalling you, but when you've been married to a woman for 12 years, you just don't sit down at the breakfast table and say, "Pass the sugar." "I want a divorce."" "It's not that easy." "Anyway, this is the wrong time." "The kids are home from school." "My in-laws are visiting for the holidays." "I can't bring it up now." "This isn't like you, Fran." "You were always such a good sport, such fun to be with." "That's me." "The happy idiot, a million laughs." "That's a little more like it." "At least you're speaking to me." "A funny thing happened to me at the office party today." "I ran into your secretary, Miss Olsen." "You know, ring-a-ding-ding?" "I laughed so much, I like to have died." "Is that what's been bothering you, Fran?" "Miss Olsen?" "That's ancient history." "Well, I never was very good at history." "Let me see." "There was Miss Olsen, and then there was Miss Rossi." "No, no." "She came before." "Miss Koch came after Miss Olsen." "Now, Fran..." "And just think, right now some lucky girl in the building is going to come after me." "Okay, okay, Fran." "I guess I deserve that, but ask yourself, why does a man run around with a lot of girls?" "Because he's unhappy at home." "Because he's lonely, that's why." "But that was before you, Fran." "I've stopped running." "How could I be so stupid?" "You'd think I would have learned by now." "When you're in love with a married man, you shouldn't wear mascara." "It's Christmas Eve, Fran." "Let's not fight, huh?" "Merry Christmas." "What is it?" "Oh." "Our friend at the Chinese restaurant." "Thanks, Fran." "We better keep it here." "Yeah, we better." "Oh, I have a present for you." "I didn't quite know what to get you." "Besides, it's kind of awkward for me shopping, so here's $100." "You go and buy yourself something." "They have some nice alligator bags at Bergdorf's." "Look, Fran, I didn't realize it was so late." "It's quarter to 7:00." "I mustn't miss my train." "If we hadn't wasted all this time..." "I have to get home and trim the tree." "Okay." "I just thought as long as it was paid for." "Don't ever talk like that, Fran." "Don't make yourself out to be cheap." "$100?" "I don't call that cheap." "And you must be paying somebody something for the use of the apartment." "Stop it, Fran." "You'll miss your train, Jeff." "Yeah." "Are you coming?" "No." "You run along." "I want to fix my face." "Don't forget to kill the lights." "I'll see you Monday." "Sure." "Monday and Thursday, and Monday again and Thursday again." "It won't always be like this, Fran." "I love you." "Careful." "Lipstick." "Merry Christmas." "(MUSIC STARTS)" "(CRYING)" "(JUKEBOX PLAYING)" "Drink up, pop." "It's closing time." "But it's early, Charlie." "Don't you know what night this is?" "I know, Charlie." "I know." "I work for the outfit." "Hey, knock it off, will you?" "Go home." "(MUSIC STOPS)" "O-U-T." "Out." "Where will we go, my place or yours?" "Might as well go to mine." "Everybody else does." "Poor Mickey." "When I think of him all by himself in that jail in Havana..." " Would you like to see his picture?" " Not particularly." "He's so cute." "He's 5'2", 99 pounds, like a little Chihuahua." " Can I ask you a personal question?" " No." "You got a girlfriend?" "She may be a girl, but she's no friend of mine." "Still stuck on her, huh?" "Stuck on her?" "Obviously, you do not know me very well." "I don't know you at all." "Permit me." "C.C. Baxter, Junior Executive," "Arthur Murray graduate, lover." "I'm Mrs. MacDougall, Margie to you." "Yeah." "This way, Mrs. MacDougall." "Say, this is snuggsville." "Mrs. MacDougall, I think it's only fair to warn you, you are now alone with a notorious sexpot." " No kidding?" " Ask anybody around here." "As a matter of fact, when it's time for me to go, and I may go just like that," "I have promised my body to the Columbia Medical Center." "Sort of gives you goosebumps just to think about it." "They haven't got me yet, baby." "Dig up some ice from the kitchen, and let's not waste any more time, preliminary-wise." "I'm with you, lover." "(RECORD PLAYER NEEDLE SCRATCHING)" "I don't own this." "(MUSIC STARTS)" "(HUMMING)" "All right, Miss Kubelik, get up." "Come on." "It's past checking-out time." "The management would appreciate it if you'd get the hell out of here." "I used to like you." "I used to like you a lot, but it's all over between us, so beat it." "O-U-T, out." "Come on, wake up." "Oh, my God." "Miss Kubelik?" "Miss Kubelik?" "I broke a nail trying to get the tray out." "You ought to buy yourself a new refrigerator." "I didn't mean right now." "Dr. Dreyfuss." "Doc!" "Doc, there's a girl in my place who took some sleeping pills." "You better come quick." "I can't wake her up." "I can't..." " Let me get my bag." " Hurry up." "Hey, over here, lover." "What's all the running around about?" "You're going to wear yourself out." " Not so rough, honey." " Good night." " Good night?" " Party's over." "What's the matter?" "Did I do something wrong?" "No." "It's an emergency." "I'll see you some other time." "Not this one." "In there, Doc." " What's going on here, anyway?" " Nothing." "Will you please just get out?" "My shoes." "Some lover you are." "Some sexpot!" "Here." "Find a phone booth and call your husband in Havana." "You bet I will, and when I tell him how you treated me, he'll push your face in, you fink!" "(MUSIC STOPS)" "Is she going to be all right, Doc?" " How many pills were in that bottle?" " It was half full, about a dozen or so." "Are you going to have to take her to the hospital?" "Help me, will you?" "Into the bathroom." "What are you going to do?" "Get that stuff out of her stomach, if it isn't too late." "You better put some coffee on, and pray." "(VOMITING)" "(GASPING)" "Bring my bag." "Roll up her right sleeve." "Hold that." "Nice veins." "You want to tell me what happened?" "I don't know." "I mean, I wasn't even here." "You see, we had some words earlier." "It was nothing serious." "You might call it a lovers' quarrel." "So you went right out and picked yourself up another dame." "Something like that." "You know, Baxter, you're a real cutie-pie." "Yes, you are." "(GROANING)" "If you'd come home half an hour later, you'd have had quite a Christmas present." "(KETTLE WHISTLING)" "DREYFUSS:" "Get the coffee." "(FRAN GROANING)" "(COUGHING)" "Let's get some air in here." "Open the windows." "What's her name?" "Miss Kubelik." "Fran." "Fran, I'm a doctor." "I'm here because you took too many sleeping pills." "Do you understand what I'm saying?" "Fran, I'm Dr. Dreyfuss." "I'm here to help you." "You took all those sleeping pills, remember?" "Sleeping pills." "That's right, Fran, and I'm a doctor." "Doctor..." "Dr. Dreyfuss." "Dreyfuss." "Get more coffee." "Now, tell me again." "What's my name?" "Dr. Dreyfuss." "And what happened to you?" "I took..." "I took sleeping pills." "Do you know where you are?" "No." "Yes, you do, Fran." "Now concentrate." "I don't know." "Do you know who that is?" "Look at him." "Mr. Baxter, nineteenth floor." "Hello, Miss Kubelik." "Mister?" "Miss?" "Such politeness." "We work in the same building." "We try to keep it quiet." "What are you doing here?" "Don't you remember?" "We were together at the office party." "Oh, yes." "The office party." "Miss Olsen." "That's right." "I told you we had a fight." "That was what it's about." "Miss Olsen." "You know, that girl that was here earlier." "I don't understand." "Well, it's not important." "The main thing is I got here in time." "You're going to be all right." "Isn't she, Doc?" "I'm so tired." "Come on." "Drink this." "Please." "Just let me sleep." "No, you can't sleep!" "Fran, open your eyes." "Let's get her walking." "We got to keep her awake for the next few hours." "Now, come on, Fran." "Walk." "Walk!" "One, two, three, four." "One, two, three, four." "Left, right, left, right, left, right, and return and one, two, three, four." "Now you got it." "One, two, three, four." "Walk, Fran!" "One, two, three, four." "One, two, and return again." "And left, right, left, right." "She'll sleep on and off for the next 24 hours." "Of course, she'll have a dandy hangover when she wakes up." "Just as long as she's okay." "These cases are harder on the doctor than on the patient." "I ought to charge you by the mile." " Any of that coffee left?" " Yeah, sure." "How do you spell her last name?" "Kubelik." "Two "K's."" "What's her address?" "Where does she live?" "Why do you want to know, Doc?" " You don't have to report this, do you?" " It's regulations." "But she didn't mean it, Doc." "It was an accident." "She had a little too much to drink." "She didn't know what she was doing." "There was no suicide note or anything." "Believe me, Doc, I'm not thinking about myself." "Aren't you?" "It's just she's got a family, and there's the people at the office." "Look, Doc, can't you forget you're a doctor?" "Let's just say you're here as a neighbor." "Well, as a doctor, I guess I can't prove it wasn't an accident." "But as your neighbor," "I'd like to kick your keister clear around the block." " Mind if I cool this off?" " Help yourself." "I don't know what you did to that girl in there, and don't tell me, but it was bound to happen, the way you carry on." "Live now, pay later." "Diners Club." "Why don't you grow up, Baxter?" "Be a mensch:" "You know what that means?" " I'm not sure." " A mensch,  a human being." "So you got off easy this time." "So you were lucky." "(CHUCKLING) Wasn't I?" "But you're not out of the woods yet, Baxter, because most of them try it again." "Well, you know where I am if you need me." "(DOORBELL RINGING)" "Mr. Baxter, open up already." "Oh." "Mrs. Lieberman." "So who did you think it was?" "Kriss Kringle?" "What was going on here last night?" " Last night?" " All that marching." "Tramp, tramp, tramp." "You were having army maneuvers, maybe?" "I'll never invite those people again." "What you get from renting to bachelors." "All night I didn't sleep 10 minutes, and I'm sure you woke up Dr. Dreyfuss." "Don't worry about Dr. Dreyfuss." "I happen to know he was out on a case." "I'm warning you, Mr. Baxter." "This is a respectable house, not a honky-tonky." "Come on, Oscar." "Operator, I want White Plains, New York, Mr. J.D. Sheldrake." "Make that person-to-person." "Five, four, three, two, one, let her rip!" "(PHONE RINGING)" "I'll get the phone." "Dad, why don't we put a fly in the nose cone, see if we can bring it back alive?" "Hey, that's a thought." "Maybe we should put in two flies and see if they'll propagate in orbit." "See if they'll what?" "Propagate." "You know, multiply." " Baby flies?" " Oh." " It's for you, Dad." " Thanks, Jeff." "A Mr. Baxter." " Baxter?" " Person-to-person." "Come on." "Help me round up some flies." "Hello." "Yes." "What's on your mind, Baxter?" "I hate to disturb you, but something came up." "It's rather important." "I think it would be a good idea if you could see me at the apartment as soon as possible." "You're not making sense, Baxter." "What's this all about?" "I didn't want to tell you over the phone, but a certain party, you know who I mean," "I found her here last night." "She'd taken an overdose of sleeping pills." "What?" " What is it, Jeff?" "Who's on the phone?" " One of our employees had an accident." "I don't know why they bother me with these things on Christmas day." "Yes, Baxter." "Just how serious is it?" "It was touch and go there for a while, but she's sleeping it off now." "I thought maybe you'd like to be here when she wakes up." "That's impossible." "I..." "You'll have to handle this situation yourself, Baxter." "As a matter of fact, I'm counting on you." "Yes, sir." "I understand." "She left a letter." "Would you like me to open it and read it to you?" "It was just a suggestion." "No, you don't have to worry about that." "I kept your name out of it, so there will be no trouble police-wise or newspaper-wise." "You see, the doctor is a friend of mine, so we were very lucky in that respect." "Actually, he thinks she's my girl." "No." "He just jumped to the conclusion." "Around here, I'm known as quite a ladies' man." "Of course, we're not out of the woods yet." "Sometimes they try it again." "Yes, sir, I'll do my best." "It looks like it'll be a couple of days before she's fully recovered." "And I may have a little problem with the landlady." "All right, Mr. Sheldrake, I'll keep her in the apartment as long as I can." "Isn't there some sort of message you want me to give her?" "Well, I'll think of something." "Yes, sir." "Goodbye, Mr. Sheldrake." "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry, Mr. Baxter." "Miss Kubelik, what are you doing out of bed?" "I didn't know." "I had no idea this was your apartment." "Here." "Let me help you." "I'm so ashamed." "Why didn't you just let me die?" "What kind of talk is that?" "You got a little overemotional." "You're fine now." "Oh." "Oh, my head." "It feels just like a big wad of chewing gum." " What time is it?" " 2:00." "My dress." "I have to go home." "You're in no shape to go anywhere but back to bed." " You don't want me here." " Sure, I do." "It's always nice to have company for Christmas." "I'm stronger than you are, Miss Kubelik." " I just want to brush my teeth." " Oh." "Of course." "I think I can find a new toothbrush somewhere." "Here." "Put that on." " How about some breakfast?" " No." "I don't want anything." "I'll fix you some coffee." "We're all out of coffee." "You had quite a lot last night." "Back in a minute." "Mrs. Dreyfuss, I wonder if I could borrow some coffee, and maybe an orange, and a couple of eggs." "Eggs he asks me for." "Oranges!" "What you need is a good horsewhipping." " Ma'am?" " From me, the doctor has no secrets." "Poor girl." "How could you do a thing like that?" "Please." "I didn't do anything, honest." "It's just..." "I mean..." "You take a girl out a couple of times just for laughs, and right away, she thinks you're getting serious marriage-wise." "Big shot." "For you, I wouldn't lift a finger." "But for her, I'll fix a little something to eat." "Who are you calling, Miss Kubelik?" "My sister." "She'll want to know what happened to me." "Wait a minute!" "Let's talk it over first." "Just what are you going to tell her?" "I haven't figured it out exactly." "Well, you better figure it out exactly." "Suppose she asks you why you didn't come home last night." "I'll tell her I spent the night with a friend." " Who?" " Someone from the office." " Where are you now?" " In his apartment." " In his apartment?" " In her apartment." " What's your friend's name?" " Baxter." " What's her first name?" " Miss." " When are you coming home?" " As soon as I can walk." " Something's wrong with your legs?" " No, my stomach." " Your stomach?" " They had to pump it out." "Miss Kubelik, I don't think you ought to call anybody, not till you get the chewing gum out of your head." "They'll be worried about me." "My brother-in-law might be calling the police." "That's why we have to be careful." "We don't want to involve anybody." "After all, Mr. Sheldrake's a married man." "Thanks for reminding me." "I didn't mean it that way." "I was just talking to him on the phone." "He's very concerned about you." "He doesn't give a damn about me." "You're wrong." "He told me..." "He's a liar, and that's not the worst part." "The worst part is, I still love him." "(DOORBELL RINGING)" "Oh, that must be Mrs. Dreyfuss." "You remember the doctor from last night?" "That's his wife." "So where's the victim?" "Max the knife." "Nu,  little lady, how are we feeling today?" " I don't know." "Kind of dizzy." "Here." "The best thing for dizzy is a little noodle soup with chicken, white meat and a glass tea." "No, thank you." "I'm really not hungry." "Go ahead." "Eat." "Enjoy." "You wouldn't have such a thing as a napkin, would you?" " Well, I have some paper towels." " Beatnik." "Go to my kitchen, third drawer, under the good silver, there is napkins." "Yes, Mrs. Dreyfuss." "So, what are you waiting for, a singing commercial?" "I can't eat." "You must eat, and you must get healthy, and you must forget him." "Such a fine boy he seemed when he first moved in here." "Clean and cut, a regular Ivy Leaguer." "Turns out he's King Farouk with the drinking, with the cha-cha, with the no napkins." "A girl like you, for the rest of your life, you want to cry in your noodle soup?" "Who needs it?" "You listen to me." "You find yourself a nice, substantial man, a widower maybe, and settle down instead of noshing all those sleeping pills." "For what?" "For whom?" "For some good-time Charlie?" "(DOOR OPENS)" "One napkin, coming up." "I wish we had some champagne to wrap it around." "What did I tell you?" "Mrs. Dreyfuss, you don't have to wait." "I'll wash the dishes." "You wash them, you break them." "I'll come back for them later." "If he makes trouble, give me a yell." " She doesn't seem to like you very much." " Oh, I don't mind." "As a matter of fact, I'm sort of flattered that anybody'd think a girl like you would do a thing like this over a guy like me." "Did you find something here?" "An envelope?" "Yes." "I've got it." "Don't you think we'd better destroy it so it won't fall in the wrong hands?" "Open it." " There's nothing here but a $100 bill." " That's right." " Will you see that Mr. Sheldrake gets it?" " Sure." "Take this away, will you?" "Would you like me to move the television set in here?" "Do you play gin rummy?" " I'm not very good at it." " I am." "Let me get the cards." "You don't have to entertain me, Mr. Baxter." "There's nothing I'd like better." "You know, togetherness." "Guess what I did last Christmas?" "Had an early dinner at the automat, went to the zoo, and then I came home and cleaned up after Mr. Eichelberger." "He had a little eggnog party here." "So I'm way ahead this year." "Three across." "Spades double." "High deals." "Six." "Eight." "I think I'm going to give it all up." "Give what up?" "Why do people have to love people, anyway?" "I know what you mean." "Nine, ten..." "Queen." "I don't want it." "Pick a card." "What do you call it when somebody keeps getting smashed up in automobile accidents?" "A bad insurance risk?" "That's me with men." "I was jinxed from the word go." "First time I was ever kissed was in a cemetery." "Cemetery?" "I was 15." "We used to go there to smoke." "His name was George, and he threw me over for a drum majorette." "Gin." "That's 10, 20, 36 and 25, makes 61 and two boxes." "I just have this talent for falling in love with the wrong guy in the wrong place at the wrong time." "How many guys were there?" "Three." "The last one was the manager of a finance company back home in Pittsburgh." "They found a little shortage in his accounts, but he asked me to wait for him." "He'll be out in 1965." "Cut." "I came to New York and moved in with my sister and her husband." "He drives a cab." "They sent me to secretarial school, and then I applied for a job at Consolidated, but I flunked the typing test." " Too slow?" " No." "I can type up a storm." "I just can't spell." "So they gave me a pair of white gloves and stuck me in an elevator, and that's how I met Jeff." "Oh, God, I'm so fouled-up." "What am I going to do now?" "Better win a hand." "You're on a blitz." "Was he very upset when you told him?" "Mr. Sheldrake?" "Yeah." "Very." "Maybe he does love me, only he doesn't have the nerve to tell his wife." "I'm sure that's the explanation." " You really think so?" " No doubt about it." "Would you hand me that pad and pencil?" "What for?" "I'm going to write a letter to Mrs. Sheldrake." "You what?" "As one woman to another, I'm sure she'll understand." "I don't think that's a very good idea, Miss Kubelik." "Why not?" "For one thing, you can't spell." "Secondly, if you did something like that, you'd hate yourself." "I don't like myself very much, anyway." "Pick up the cards and let's go." " Do I have to?" " You bet." "I got a terrific hand." " You really want to discard that?" " Sure." "Gin." "(MUFFLED WHISTLING)" "Let's see." "That's 20, 40, 52 and 25, 77." "Spades are double. 154 and... (MUMBLING)" "Blitzed, two games." "(HUMMING)" "(DOORBELL RINGING)" "All right, all right, Mrs. Dreyfuss." " Hi, Baxter." " What do you want?" "What do I want?" "Just a minute." "You can't come in here!" "What's the matter with you, Buddy-boy?" "I made a reservation for 4:00, remember?" "You can't stay here, so take your champagne and go." "Baxter, I don't want to pull rank on you, but I told the little lady it was set." "Do you want to make a liar out of me?" "Are you going to leave, Mr. Kirkeby, or do I have to throw you out?" "(KIRKEBY LAUGHING)" "Buddy-boy, why didn't you say so?" "You got yourself a little playmate, huh?" "Now will you get out?" "Hey, come on." "What are we waiting for?" "Open up, will you?" "Mildred." "What's holding things up?" "Say, why don't we have ourselves a party, the four of us?" "No." "(KIRKEBY LAUGHING)" "Well, I don't blame you." "So you hit the jackpot, eh, kid?" "I mean, Kubelik-wise." "Now don't worry, I won't say a word to anybody." "Stay with it, Buddy-boy." "Who was that?" "Just somebody delivering a bottle of champagne." "Would you like some?" "Would you mind opening that window?" "Now don't go getting any ideas, Miss Kubelik." "I just want some fresh air." "It's only one story down." "The best you could do is break a leg." "So they'll shoot me like a horse." "Please, Miss Kubelik, you got to promise me you won't do anything foolish." " Who'd care?" " I would!" "Why can't I ever fall in love with somebody nice, like you?" "Yeah." "Well, that's just the way it crumbles, cookie-wise." "Go to sleep." " Good morning, Mr. Sheldrake." " Morning, Mr. Sheldrake." "Miss Olsen, will you come into my office, please?" " Did you have a nice Christmas?" " Lovely." "You were a great help." "Me?" "Thank you for giving that little pep talk to Miss Kubelik at the office party." "Oh, I'm sorry, Jeff." "You know, I never could hold my liquor." "Well, I thought you could hold your tongue." " It won't happen again." " You bet it won't." "I'll arrange for you to get a month's severance pay." "That's right, Miss Olsen." "I'm letting you go." "You let me go four years ago, Jeff, only you were cruel enough to make me sit out there and watch the new models pass by." "I'd appreciate it if you'd be out of here as soon as you can" "Yes, Mr. Sheldrake." "Operator, this is Mr. Sheldrake." "I'd like Mr. Baxter's home telephone number." "That's C.C. Baxter, and he's in Ordinary Premium Accounting." "BAXTER:" "Hello?" "SHELDRAKE:" "Hello, Baxter:" "Jeff Sheldrake:" "Can you talk?" "Yes." "She's in the shower." "She's coming along fine, considering." "Good." "Is there anything you need?" "Money?" "No, thank you, Mr. Sheldrake." "As a matter of fact, I have some money for you. $100." "Oh." "Well, if there's anything I can do for you..." "For me?" "I don't think so." "But I was hoping maybe you could do something for her." "Like what?" "Put yourself in my place, Baxter." "How can I help her?" "My hands are tied." "Well, at least you can talk to her." "Now, let me put her on." "And please, be gentle." "There's a call for you!" " For me?" " Yeah." "Mr. Sheldrake." "I don't want to talk to him." "I think you should." "I got to run down to the grocery anyway." "There's nothing left around here but one frozen pizza." "I'll be right back, okay?" "Hello, Jeff." "Yes, I'm all right." "Why did you do it, Fran?" "It's so childish, and it never solves anything." "I ought to be very angry with you, scaring me that way." "But let's forget the whole thing." "Pretend it never happened." "What do you say, Fran?" "Fran?" "Are you there, Fran?" "Of course I'm not here." "Because the whole thing never happened." "I never took those pills." "I never loved you." "We never even met." "Isn't that the way you want it, Jeff?" "There you go again." "You know I didn't mean it that way, Fran." "You just get well." "Do what the nurse tells you." "I mean Baxter." "I'll see you as soon as I can." "Goodbye, Fran." "Hello, Mrs. Sheldrake?" "This is Miss Olsen." "Fine, thank you." "Mrs. Sheldrake, I was wondering if we could have lunch together." "Well, I don't know how important it is, but I think you might find it educational." "It concerns your husband." "All right. 1:00, Longchamp's, Madison and 59th." "(DOOR OPENS)" "Don't worry." "I'm on my way." "Just making a personal call." "Here's a dime." "Going down." "Oh, Mr. Baxter, I'm glad you're here." " I was just going to get the passkey." " What for?" "I thought I smelled gas coming from your apartment." "Gas?" "(SNIFFING)" "Miss Kubelik!" "Miss Kubelik!" " You all right?" " Sure." " What's that funny smell?" " Gas." "Didn't you turn it on?" "Yes." "I was boiling some water to get the coffee stains out of my dress." "You turned it on, but you didn't light it." " Are you supposed to?" " In this house, you're supposed to." "Hey, what are you doing with that?" "Well, I was washing my stockings, so I thought I might as well wash your socks, too." "Thank you." "It's very curious." "I could only find three-and-a-half pair." "Well, things are a little disorganized around here." "I'd say." "What's a tennis racket doing in the kitchen?" "Tennis racket?" "Oh, I remember." "I was cooking myself an Italian dinner." "I used it to strain the spaghetti." "Why not?" "As a matter of fact, I'm a pretty good cook, only, I'm a lousy housekeeper." "Yes, you are." "When I was straightening up the couch, you know what I found?" "Six hairpins, a lipstick, a pair of false eyelashes, and a swizzle stick from the Stork Club." "It's just that I'm the kind of guy who can't say no." "I don't mean to girls." "I mean..." "You mean, to someone like Mr. Sheldrake." "I guess so." "I know so." "He's a taker." "A what?" "Some people take, some people get took, and they know they're getting took, and there's nothing they can do about it." "I wouldn't say that." "What would you like to have for dinner?" "Hey." "Onion soup and canned asparagus..." "I really should be getting home." "My family will be flipping by now." "You can't leave yet." "The doctor said it takes 48 hours to get that stuff out of your system." "I wonder how long it takes to get someone you're stuck on out of your system." "If only they'd invent some kind of pump for that." "I know how you feel, Miss Kubelik." "You think it's the end of the world, but it's not." "I went through exactly the same thing myself." " You did?" " Well, maybe not exactly the same." "I tried to do it with a gun." " Over a girl?" " Worse than that." "It was the wife of my best friend, and I was mad about her." "But I knew it was hopeless, and I decided to end it all." "I went to a pawnshop and bought a.45 automatic, and I drove up to Eden Park..." " You know Cincinnati?" " No, I don't." "Well, anyway, I parked the car and loaded that gun." "You read in the papers all the time that people shoot themselves?" "Believe me, it's not that easy." "I mean, how do you do it?" "Here?" "Here?" "Here?" "You know where I finally shot myself?" " Where?" " Here." "In the knee?" "Yeah." "While I was sitting there trying to make up my mind, a cop stuck his head in the car because I was illegally parked and I tried to hide the gun under the seat, and it went off." "That's terrible." "It was a year before I could bend the knee, but I got over the girl in three weeks." "She still lives in Cincinnati, has four kids and gained 20 pounds." "Sends me a fruitcake every Christmas." "Are you just making this up to make me feel better?" "Of course not!" "Here's the fruitcake." " Do you want to see my knee?" " No, thank you." "The fellas in the office might get the wrong idea how I found out." "Let them." "Look, I'm going to cook dinner for us tonight and you have the fruitcake for dessert." "You just sit there and rest." "You've done enough for today." "Yes, nurse." "(BAXTER SINGING)" "Can I help you?" "I'm looking for one of the elevator girls, Miss Kubelik." "So am I. She didn't report this morning." " She didn't?" " No." "Where can I get some information?" "Who's in charge here?" "Well, that comes under General Office Administration." "See Mr. Dobisch, twenty-first floor." "Thanks." "So yesterday afternoon, I take Sylvia up to the apartment, and guess who he's got stashed away in the bedroom." " Who?" " Kubelik." "No kidding?" "Buddy-boy and Kubelik having themselves a little toot." "Toot?" "More like a lost weekend." "Neither of them showed up for work today." "AWOL?" "What gripes me is the two of them were guzzling my champagne while Sylvia and I wound up at the Guggenheim Museum." " Mr. Dobisch?" " Yeah?" "My name is Karl Matuschka." "My sister-in-law, she runs one of the elevators here." " Fran Kubelik." " Miss Kubelik?" " You know her?" " Of course." "There may be a lot of employees here, but we're one big, happy family." "Well, she lives with us and my wife is getting pretty nervous on account of Fran hasn't been home for the past two days." "That so?" "Anyway, we was wondering if somebody in the office knew what happened to her." "I see." "What do you think, Al?" "Can we help the man?" "Why not?" "We don't owe Buddy-boy anything." "Yeah." "What's Buddy-boy done for us lately?" "Who is Buddy-boy?" "(SINGING)" " Are we dressing for dinner?" " No." "Just come as you are." "Say, you're pretty good with that racket." "You should see my backhand." "Wait till you see me serve the meatballs." " Shall I light the candles?" " It's a must!" "Gracious living-wise." "Meatball" "Meatball" " I see you bought some napkins." " Might as well go all the way." "You know, I used to live like Robinson Crusoe." "I mean, shipwrecked among eight million people and then one day, I saw a footprint in the sand, and there you were." "It's a wonderful thing, dinner for two." " You usually eat alone?" " Oh, no." "Sometimes, I have dinner with Ed Sullivan, sometimes Dinah Shore or Perry Como." "The other night, I had dinner with Mae West." "Of course, she was much younger then." "Cheers." "Cheers." "You know what we're going to do after dinner?" " The dishes." " I mean after that." " What?" " You don't have to if you don't want to." " Oh, I don't?" " We're going to finish the gin game." " Oh." " So keep a clear head." "(DOORBELL RINGING)" "I don't want to take advantage of you, the way I did yesterday in bed." " Baxter?" " Yes." "What's with you, Fran?" "Did you forget where you live?" "This is my brother-in-law, Karl Matuschka." "Oh, how do you do, Mr. Matuschka?" "Okay, get your clothes and I got the cab downstairs." "Wait a minute, I know what you're thinking, but it isn't as bad as it..." "It's none of my business what you do, Fran." "You're over 21." "But your sister happens to think you're a lady." "All we were going to do is just eat and wash the dishes." "Look, Buddy-boy, if there wasn't a lady present," " I'd clobber you." " All right, Karl!" "I'll get dressed." "Want a martini?" "How about some spaghetti with meat sauce that I cooked myself?" "Your sister-in-law sure is terrific." "It must be murder driving a cab in New York." "I mean, with the cross-town traffic." "(DOOR OPENS)" " Hi, Baxter." "How's the patient?" " Oh, I'm fine, Doc." "Not you." "Miss Kubelik." "What's the matter with Miss Kubelik?" "Doc, this is Mr. Matuschka, and he's..." " He's got a cab downstairs." " Fran been sick or something?" "No." "Just a little accident." "What does he mean, accident?" "Well, these things happen all the time." "What things?" "Say, what kind of doctor are you, anyway?" "Not that kind of doctor." "He just gave her a shot and pumped out her stomach." " What for?" " Because I took some sleeping pills, but I'm all right now, so let's go." " Why'd you take sleeping pills?" " On account of me." "You?" "Who else?" "Leave him alone!" "Oh, you fool." "You damn fool." "MATUSCHKA:" "Come on, Fran." "Goodbye, Mr. Baxter." "Goodbye, Doctor." "Well, I don't want to gloat, but just between us, you had it coming to you." "(TSKING)" "You're going to have a shiner tomorrow." "Let me get my bag." "Don't bother, Doc." "It doesn't hurt a bit." "Mr. Sheldrake's office?" "This is C.C. Baxter." "Would you please tell Mr. Sheldrake I'd like to come up and see him?" "It's rather important." "Will you call me back, please?" "Mr. Sheldrake, I've got good news for you." "All your troubles are over." "I'm going to take Miss Kubelik off your hands." "The plain fact is, I love her." "I haven't told her yet." "I thought that you should be the first to know." "After all, you don't really want her, and I do, and although it may sound presumptuous, she needs somebody like me." "So I think it would be the best thing all around," "(PHONE RINGING) solution-wise." "Yes?" "I'll be right up." "Mr. Sheldrake, I've got good news for you." "All your troubles are over." "Nineteen." "Hiya, Buddy-boy." "What happened to you?" "Hit by a swinging door?" "Or maybe a yellow cab?" "That guy really must have belted him." "Yeah." "He's punchy." "Talking to himself." "Twenty-seven." "You see, Mr. Sheldrake, those two days she spent in the apartment have made me realize how lonely I'd been before." "Thanks to you, I'm in a financial position to marry her." "If I can ever square things with her family." "Good morning." "C.C. Baxter." "(BUZZING)" "WOMAN:" "Mr:" "Baxter is here:" " Send him in." "Mr. Sheldrake, I've got good news for you." "I've got good news for you, Baxter." " All your troubles are over." " Sir?" "I know how worried you were about Miss Kubelik." "Well, stop worrying." "I'm going to take her off your hands." "You're going to take her off my hands?" "That's right, Baxter." "I've moved out of the house." "I'm going to be staying in town at the athletic club." "You left your wife?" "If you must know, I fired my secretary, my secretary got to my wife, and my wife fired me." " Ain't that a kick in the head?" " Yeah." "Now, what's your news, Baxter?" "It's about Miss Kubelik." "She's feeling all right again so she went back home." "Swell." "And don't think I've forgotten what you did for me." "This way, Baxter." "Sit down." "Try it on for size." " You like?" "It's all yours." " Mine?" "My assistant, Roy Thompson, has been shifted to the Denver office, and you're taking his place." "What's the matter, Baxter?" "You don't seem very excited." "Well, it's just that so many things have been happening so fast." "I'm very pleased, especially for Miss Kubelik." "Now that I've gotten to know her better, I think she's the kind of girl that definitely ought to be married to someone." "Well, sure, sure." "First the property settlement has to be worked out and then it takes six weeks in Reno." "Meanwhile, I'm going to enjoy being a bachelor for a while." "Oh, by the way, Baxter, you now can have lunch" " In the executive dining room." " Yes, sir." "That's just one of the privileges that goes with this job." "You also get a nice little expense account, use of the executive washroom..." "Say, what happened to you, Baxter?" " I got kicked in the head, too." " Oh." "Good evening, Mr. Baxter." "Oh, Miss Kubelik." " How are you feeling?" " I feel fine." " How's your eye?" " Oh, fine." " How's everything at the apartment?" " Nothing's changed." "You know, we never did finish that gin game." "I know." "I suppose you heard about Mr. Sheldrake." "You mean leaving his wife?" "Yeah." "I'm very happy for you." "I never thought he'd do it." "I told you all along." "See, you were wrong about Mr. Sheldrake." "I guess so." "For that matter, you were wrong about me, too." "What you said about those who take and those who get took." "Well, Mr. Sheldrake wasn't using me." "I was using him." "See?" "Last month, I was at desk 861 on the nineteenth floor." "Now I'm on the twenty-seventh floor, paneled office, three windows." "So it all worked out fine." "We're both getting what we want." "Yes." "You walking to the subway?" "No, thank you." "Well, I..." "To tell you the truth, I have this heavy date for tonight." "Oh." " Aren't you meeting Mr. Sheldrake?" " No." "You know how people talk, so I decided it would be better if we didn't see each other until after everything was settled, divorce-wise." "That's very wise." " Good night, Mr. Baxter." " Good night." "Baxter, would you mind stepping in here for a minute?" "BAXTER:" "Yes, Mr:" "Sheldrake:" " There you are." " Much obliged." "Here's a breakdown of figures on personnel turnover." "37% of our female employees leave to get married, and 22%..." "Baxter, you're working too hard." " It's New Year's Eve." "Relax." " Yes, sir." "Well, I suppose you'll be out on the town tonight, celebrating." " Naturally." " Me, too." "I'm taking Miss Kubelik out." " I finally talked her into it." " I see." "The only thing is, Baxter, I'm staying at the athletic club, and it's strictly stag, so if you don't mind..." "Don't mind what?" "You know, the other key to your apartment." "Well, when we had that little scare about Miss Kubelik," "I thought I'd better get rid of it quick, so I threw it out the window of the commuter train." "Very clever." "So now I'll have to borrow your key." "Sorry, Mr. Sheldrake." "What do you mean, sorry?" "You're not going to bring anybody to my apartment." "I'm not just bringing anybody, I'm bringing Miss Kubelik." "Especially not Miss Kubelik." " How's that again?" " No key." "Baxter, I picked you for my team because I thought you were a very bright young man." "Do you realize what you're doing?" "Not to me, but to yourself?" "Normally, it takes years to work your way up to the twenty-seventh floor." "But it only takes 30 seconds to be out on the street again." "You dig?" "I dig." "So what's it going to be?" "Now you're being bright." "Thank you, sir." " Say, Baxter, you gave me the wrong key." " No, I didn't." "This is the key to the executive washroom." "That's right, Mr. Sheldrake." "I won't be needing it because I'm all washed up around here." "What's gotten into you, Baxter?" "Just following doctor's orders." "I've decided to become a mensch:" "You know what that means?" "A human being." " Now, hold on, Baxter..." " Save it." "The old payola won't work anymore." "Goodbye, Mr. Sheldrake." "(DOORBELL RINGING)" "Say, Baxter, we're having a little party." "We ran out of ice." "I was wondering..." "Sure, Doc." "How come you're alone on New Year's Eve?" "Well, I got things to do." " What's this?" "You're packing?" " Yeah." "I'm giving up the apartment." "Where are you moving to?" "I don't know." "All I know is, I got to get out of this place." "Sorry to lose you, Baxter." "Me?" "You mean my body." "Don't worry, it'll go to the university, Doc." "I'll put it in writing." " Could you use some champagne?" " Booze, we don't need." "Say, why don't you join us?" "We got two brain surgeons, an ear, nose and throat specialist, a proctologist, and three nurses from Bellevue." "No, thanks." "I don't feel like it." "Look, Doc, in case I don't see you again, how much do I owe you for taking care of that girl?" "Forget it." "I didn't do it as a doctor." "I did it as a neighbor." "By the way, whatever happened to her?" "You know me with girls." "Easy come, easy go." "Goodbye, Doc." "Happy New Year." "(CHATTERING)" "Sorry I took so long on the phone, but we're all set." " All set for what?" " I rented a car." "It'll be here at 1:00." " We're driving down to Atlantic City." " Atlantic City?" "Oh, I know it's a drag, but you can't find a hotel room in town." "Not on New Year's Eve." "Ring out the old year, ring in the new." "Ring-a-ding-ding." "I didn't plan it this way, Fran." "Actually, it's all Baxter's fault." "Baxter?" "He wouldn't give me the key to the apartment." " He wouldn't?" " He just walked out on me." "Quit." "Threw that big fat job right in my face." "The nerve." "Yeah, that little punk." "After all I did for him." "Said I couldn't bring anybody to the apartment, especially not Miss Kubelik." "What's he got against you, anyway?" "I don't know." "I guess that's the way it crumbles, cookie-wise." "What are you talking about?" "I'd spell it out for you, only I can't spell." "Should auld acquaintance be forgot" "And never brought to mind" "Happy New Year, Fran." "Should auld acquaintance be forgot" "And days o'auld lang syne" "For auld lang syne, my dear" "For auld lang syne" "We'll take a cup o'kindness yet" "For auld lang syne" "(CHEERING)" "Fran?" "Where are you, Fran?" "(LOUD BANG)" "Mr. Baxter!" "Mr. Baxter!" "Mr. Baxter!" "Mr. Baxter!" "Oh." " Are you all right?" " I'm fine." "Are you sure?" "How's your knee?" "I'm fine all over." " Mind if I come in?" " Of course not." "Let me get another glass." "Where are you going?" "Who knows?" "Another neighborhood, another town, another job." "I'm on my own." "That's funny." "So am I." " What did you do with the cards?" " In there." "What about Mr. Sheldrake?" "I'm going to send him a fruitcake every Christmas." "Cut." "I love you, Miss Kubelik." "Three." "Queen." "Did you hear what I said, Miss Kubelik?" "I absolutely adore you." "Shut up and deal."