"..The wrath of the King was mighty and knew no bound." "They did leave that country and did with heavy heart return unto Japheth and Gad." "Here ends the lesson." "Let us pray." "Dear Lord.., we ask Thee to bless all the members of this, Thy congregation." "And we especially ask you to remember the Queen who's been having trouble with her piles again, and Mrs Sinclair-Wilson and all her family." "..Mrs Sinclair-Wilson who's been having trouble with her piles again, and the Queen and all her family." "Amen." "May you grant them happiness in this world and in the next, peace everlasting." "Amen." "Amen." "We now sing hymn number...16." ""The day Thou gavest, Lord, has ended."" "#The day Thou gavest, Lord, is ended" "#The darkness falls at Thy behest...#" "Are we all here?" "Yes, perfectly." "Not CAN we all hear, ARE we all here?" "I'm sorry...." "Yes.., all except Mr Newitt." "Let's go on then shall we." "Newitt's always late." "Right, I call this meeting of the Dibley Parish Council to order." "David Horton in the chair, Frank Pickle taking minutes." "Shall I minute that, sir?" "What?" "..." "About my taking the minutes." "Do you normally minute it?" "I'd like to, yea." "Then do it again." "Oh., Thank you." "We start with the tragic death of Reverend Pottle." "He's been a great servant to this village ever since his arrival as a young...,-ish man in 1917." "Happy days..." "We remember especially fondly his famous Christmas sermon which I think we all know..., by heart." "He'll shall be greatly missed." "Hear, hear!" "Anyone want to add anything to that?" "No, no, no, no, no." "Yes..., just one thing, i...if that's all right." "Yes, fire away." "No, no, no, but I thought, maybe we should mention the marrow." "And what marrow's that?" "He..he came second in the marrow-growing contest in 1956." "Oh, Bravo." "Well.., excellent, yea.." "we'll include that." "Anything else?" "No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no." "That's "no", is it?" "No, no, NO." "Yes." "Right, moving on..." "Sorry I'm late." "That's OK, Owen, we've only just begun." "My bladder's been playing up again." "I'v spent so long in the stables' toilet," "I'm thinking of sending out change-of-address cards." "Yes, thank you, Owen." "Moving on.., Last week was the Village of the Year Competition, and I've written to Buckingham Palace and thanked them so much for Prince Edward's visit." "Shame." "I beg your pardon!" "?" "No., I've nothing against Prince Edward, but I don't usually trust bald blokes." "I'm surprised we don't start with the Reverend's death." "We dealt with that before you arrived Owen." "Now.." "Moving on..." "Perhaps you'd like me to read the minutes back to you Owen, so you can catch up..?" "I don't thing that will be necessary, we needn't waste the whole evening because of Owen's dodgy waterworks." "Shall I minute that?" "No, thank you..." "Right..." "A.." "Shall I leave a gap, then?" "Whatever you think, Frank." "Well.., It won't flow very well." "O' For godness sake Frank, you are the parish clerk, not Alfred Lord Tennyson!" "Right, I'm sorry, everyone, for that rather annoying interlude." "But if we CAN move on, to the question of the successor to Reverend Pottle..." "Are you sure about that?" "What Frank.." "What?" "You described Prince Edward's visit as an annoying interlude." "I certainly did not!" "Well I'm afraid you did." "I cut that jolly interesting bit about Owen's bladder." "So now it reads," ""So much for Prince Edward's visit." "and if we can move on from that rather annoying interlude."" "Oh, God!" "Look, could we get on, I've a worrying feeling in my colon." "Um..." "Yes?" "Nothing." "Would you like that minuted?" "Oh.., yes I suppose so." "Excellent." ""Then Mrs Cropley said nothing."" "Moving on.., I have of course asked the Bishop for someone a little younger than Reverent Pottle." "Yes, please!" "But then I think it will be hard to find anyone older without acctually recruiting a member of The Rolling Stones!" "Right, if we could quickly move on to the planning applications which I think you'll find on pink 7A." "The Herberts want a new barn...., rejected." "The Franklins want a new kitchen...., rejected." "And my son Hugo here is putting up a conservatory for his southamerican flower collection which I think should be fine." "Excellent news, somewhere for the pool table." "Any other business?" "Definitely not." "Thank you all very much, we meet again in a fortnight." "Have you got all that, Frank?" "Yes. ".." "Without actually recruiting a member of The Rolling Stones."" "What comes next?" "We'll be able to get this village going again." "Do you realize that last year's fete Pottle award gave the prize for Best Carrot to a cucumber." "Yes, he was loosing it a bit, but the Bishop of Oxford did deserved first prize in the fancy dress contest." "For being dressed as a bishop?" "Yes." "Brilliant!" "Those days are gone." "It seems this new chap is superb, recommended by the Bishop of Wykeham." "Isn't that the dogdy one who say that Jesus didn't exist, and even if he did, he definitely wasn't a Christian?" "It's about time we had someone with half a brain on the parish council." "Oh, yes, well, apart from your good self." "At last we can give that frightful verger," "Alice, the heave-ho." "Ah.., I don't think she will be happy about that." "Tough luck." "She's a famous imbecile." "In last year's Christmas crib she had the Virgin Mary cradling a pig." "And the baby Jesus being suckled by a black goat!" "But she's awfully keen." "Eddie the Eagle was very keen!" "The kind thing would still have been to shoot him the first time he put on a pair of skis." "No..., I think the new chap will see sense." "Sack Alice.., and sack Mrs Cropley." "I've seen better flower arrangements on a compost heap." "Whisky?" "Please." "Excellent stuff." "Keep it locked away when the rabble come round." "No point in wasting it on people who adore Asda sweet amontillado." "Actually, that is lovely stuff." "Good old Asda!" "Oh, sherry, wow!" "Only the best here, Miss Tinker." "Thanks." "Sandwich?" "No, thank you." "Anchovy and peanut butter not quite my cup of tea." "Frank, sherry?" "Thank you very much." "My favourite." "There we are." "Cheers." "Jim?" "No, no, no, no, no..." "Yes." "There we are, don't drink it all at once." "Top stuff." "As you all know we are all gathered here to greet our new vicar." "Im sorry it's an awful night." "I can't fix everything!" "You did get our cat fixed, didn't you?" "I think our new vicar has arrived." "Either that or the milkman's very late again." "Hello....?" "Could you hurry?" "It's pissing down out here...." "Raining very hard now." "Pleeease!" "Hello." "Hello?" "David Honiton..." "Hawtrey." "Horton." "That's the chap." "Could you take these while I...?" "Cheers." "Bye!" "Excuse me." "Just get past you." "Hello, I'm Geraldine." "You're expecting me." "No., I'm expecting our new vicar." "Unless you ARE the new vicar, and they've landed us with a woman as some sort of insane joke!" "Oh, dear." "Oh, My God!" "You expected a bloke, beard, Bible, bad breath..." "Yes, that sort of thing." "Yea.., and, instead, you've got a babe with a bob cut and a magnificent bosom." "So I see." "Well don't worry, it'll be all right." "You need a stiff drink, so do I. Come on David." "Hello, I'm Geraldine." "Call me Gerry." "Delighted to meet you." "I'm Hugo." "Call me..." "Hugo." "Do you mind if I say that is a devastatingly smart tie, Hugo?" "It ia?" "Yes." "Shall we go in there?" "Ladies and gentlemen, your new...vicar." "Hello" " Geraldine." "Boo!" "How do you do, I'm Frank Pickle." "I take the minutes on the council." "Splendid, very importent job, do forgive me if I instantly forget your name, will you..." "I'm absolutely dreadful with names." "Ask me to name the Virgin Mary's son and, nope, mind's gone blank." "Jesus." "That's it!" "Hello" " Geraldine." "Gerry." "Letitia..." "Letty." "Cropley." "I do the flowers in the church." "Oh., Slendid, and what have we got in this week?" "Well, we're in mourning for Rev Pottle." "Of course..." "Lovely." "Carnations?" "Yes., And I thought I'd put in a pineapple as well." "Unusual." "And., and you are?" "No, no, no, no, no..." "Jim." "Jim?" "No, no, no, no." "Not Jim?" "No, no..." "Yes" " Jim." "Good, good." "And finally?" "Delighted to meet you." "This is Miss Tinker she WAS the verger under Rev Pottle." "Oh, splendid, do you want to go on with the job?" "Yes, please, ma'am." "Good, good." "Don't call me ma'am." "Sounds like the Queen." "Lovely lady, but odd taste in hats." "Yes, yes." "Oh., you can call me Alice." "Right." "Because it's my name...." "Right." "Perhaps we should talk about this in the morning." "Yes, thank's Ew....!" "Do you mind?" "," "I absolutely hate amontillado." "D'you have any whisky?" "Em.., certainly." "I wouldn't mind a whisky if there is one going." "Me, too." "Jim?" "No, no, no..." "Please yourself." "Yes, I'll have one." "Very unusual sandwiches." "What's with the ham?" "Lemon curd." "Good Lord!" ".." "Mind if I'll just pop it down there for a moment." "I like to say a big 'thank you', to all of you for coming along in such a horrible night when you could be in watching..." "Oh, what.., Top of the Pops!" "Were missing Top of the Pops!" "Anyway, -cheers." "Sorry I'm late." "I've been on the kazi since sundown." "Ah, Owen." "This is Geraldine." "She's the new vicar." "Hello." "No, she isn't." "Why not?" "She's a woman." "Ah..., you noticed." "THESE are such a giveaway!" "Eh?" "Whisky, Owen?" "I think I might need one!" "Yea.., let's make it a double." "Oh.." "David, I think we need another bottle soon." "Did I spot a Glenfiddich in there?" "Don't think so, no." "No, no, there is." "Or we could have that really expensive single malt you were keeping for special occasions." "Oh..., I think I feel a party coming on." "Cheers!" "Can I speak to the Bishop?" "He's where?" "O' God, what's he doing there?" "They're all Muslims, aren't they...?" "Really?" "25 million Christians?" "Oh, well, fair enough." "More than here." "By about 25 million." "Look, could I leave a message, "David Horton rang"" "if he could ring me as soon as he returns." "This is outrageous, I won't have my village used like some laboratory animal to see if woman vicars work!" "She seemed a decent chap to me." "That's the point." "She's not a chap." "Well no.." "Not technically." "That is quite a technicality!" "I mean, what is happening..." "Are we to have topless bathing on the rectory lawn?" "The old vicar sunbathed topless." "But he was a man, so it didn't matter." "I asked because it probably did, because he had fair skin that burns..." "If Jesus wanted women to spread the Gospel, he'd have appointed them." "It's Matthew, Mark, Luke and John, not Sharon, Tracy, Tara and Debbie!" "No it won't do..." "Hugo, I want you to call an extraordinary meeting of the council." "We'll get this done before it's to late." "They don't call me Sportin' Horton for nothing!" "I didn't know they called you "Sportin' Horton"" "I thought they called you "Dirty David"" "because of your enormous collection of Victorian pornography." "O' for God sake, Shut up!" "Well, it can't be right, can it really?" "What's that?" "Having a woman vicar." "I mean, Jesus didn't have women disciples, did he?" "No.., but things have to change, don't they?" "That's right." "I-I mean, Look at traffic lights." "What?" "If they didn't change, there'd be terrible congestion." "On the other hand, there's gravity." "What about it?" "If gravity changed, we'd all go floating up into space." "And no-one wants that." "So there's good change and bad change." "That's right, I mean.., there's the Changing of the Guard, isn't it?" "Oh.., Wonderful." "And there's prawn-flavoured crisps." "Disaster!" "Here we are, number two.." " base camp." "Ahh!" "Well, from here we launch our great mission." "With, of course...proper rations." "You'll have to take me through a few things." "Yeah." "What kind of crowd are we pulling to the Sunday gigs here?" "Oh..." "Eh..., about four." "A crowd of four?" "Yea..." "On a good day." "Well.., four's not bad, is it?" "...." "I mean, there were four Gospels, four Horsemen of the Apocalypse." "Four Rocky movies till they made Rocky V.., Very bad move." "Well., it may go up to five if Mr Newitt's bowels settle down." "Well now let me get this strait." "we have Mrs Cropley, Mr Pickle, Mr Horton..." "Oh., Sometimes Hugo comes, but not very often." "So who's the fourth one?" "Mr Newitt." "I mentioned...with the bowels." "No, no, no,. he was the fifth one, wasn't he?" "Was he?" "Oh, yes." "Oh, um..." "Well..." "Oh, me!" "Thickness!" "Well..., What about Christmas?" "Oh.., Christmas!" "Well, that's special." "Good, how many?" "Three....." "Mrs Cropley visits her sister." "I see." "What about you Alice, what do you do when you're not in charge of crowd control here?" "I help the teacher at the nursery school." "Oh!" "...." "Art's my forte." "So it is!" "Reverend Pottle said that I was.., an undiscovered genius." "Did he?" "Did he?" "Very remarkable man." "Well, let's see." "Oh..., Ribena!" "Yum, yum.." "For Sunday school?" "No, for Holy communion." "...." "Unorthodox." "Well.., the Reverend had a tendency to get a little tipsy, so I used it instead of wine to avoid..." "Quite right..." "If this stuff had been around at the Last Supper, our Lord might have had a swig." "You know.., to keep a clear head for all these difficult questions Pilate gonna ask him." "What is truth?" "Sorry?" "That was the question Pilate asked." ""What is truth"." "So he did." "Good old Pilate." "Sort of Magnus Magnusson of Palestine, wasn't he? "Name?"" ""Jesus." "Profession?" "Saviour of mankind."" ""And your specialist subject, Jesus, you have chosen catering." "Your first question," ""How many loaves and fishes does it take to feed 5,000 people?"" ""Um..., pass!"" "God, Alice.., do you think we're going to be all right?" "Of course." "I'm gonna support you all the way." "Then we can't fail, can we?" "And I know a lot about tropical fish." "Splendid." "Splendid." "Then we shall be fishers of men." "Yes..." "I don't know much about them, I'm afraid." "Watch and learn, kid." "Watch and learn." "So I've drafted a letter, asking that she be removed from her new position." "If you've any objections, if you want our village to become a National laughing stock, or if you actually BELIEVE what most right thinking Anglicans still think is heresy, do speak up now." "Oh.." "I'm terribly sorry I'm late." "Visiting the new parishioners." "I think they'd be LESS surprised if the new vicar had been Mr Blobby!" "Challenges, challenges." "Miss anything important?" "Yes, we have drafted a letter to the Bishop." "O' Great." "Bertie only gets dull circulars, asking if it's true most priests are as gay as Larry Hagman." "Is it Larry Hagman?" "Shall we get on." "Grayson!" "That's it" " Grayson." ""Shut that door!" Hilarious!" "Frank, as secretary to the council, I think perhaps you should read it." "I'd rather not." "Jim?" "OK, I'll read it." ""From the Dibley Parish Council..."" "Sorry I'm late." "It's the big ride at Alton Towers in my innards." "I'm reading a letter from the council to the bishop." "Right." ""My Lord, sorry to take up your valuable time, but an important subject has arisen."" "Perhaps you could mention his trip to Africa." "Like "Welcome back from your triumphant conference."" "He'll be putty in your hand." "Thank you very much." "Hugo...., another stunning tie!" "Girls just aren't safe, are they?" ""Welcome back from your triumphant conference."" "Excellent, whatever you want, he'll never refuse you now." ""We are very sorry to take up your valuable time."" "Good!" ""But an important subject has arisen."" ""As you are aware, your new choice for vicar has now arrived."" ""We must say that we are all deeply unhappy about her, and feel she won't fit into our community at all."" ""We are angry that we should be used, as an experiment ground for the excesses of the modern church, and we ask you to reconsider this disastrous appointment."" "And it's signed from the Dibley Parish Council." "Phew!" "Well, you certainly know how to wind a girl." "That's all of you, is it?" "Yes, it is." "Except me, actually." "As far as I'm concern, Potty Pottle was a right old woman, and if we must have a lass, I prefer a young one." "Particularly, if I may say so, one with such interesting taste in jumpers." "Thank you." "My grandma knitted this." "She's blind." "Did we actually vote on it?" "No, no, no..." "I don't know." "Of course we did." "I'll just check that." "No, in fact, we seem to have forgotten to vote." "Excellent." "That's good news." "But we all agreed." "I hadn't." "Let's have the vote." "I propose we give the Reverend a chance." "At least see how she does on Sunday." "All those in favour of Mr Newitt's proposition?" "All those against?" "O' this is ridiculous." "The proof of the pudding will be in the eating." "Our little community does not react well to a vicar in high heels, and supports my desire to keep up the traditions that have made this village and the church what they are today!" "I take it that's a "no"?" "Yes!" "God, your father's handsome when he's angry, isn't he!" "In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit." "Amen." "AMEN !" "I'd like to start by singing "Zippee-dee-doo-da"" "because it's such a thrill to see you all here." "But I think we should stick with tradition and sing hymn number 199." "# Immortal, invisible, God only wise... #" "I know you were surprised to find your vicar's a woman." "But not as supriced as me." "All away through my teens," "I was convinced that, naturally, I would become a supermodel, and marry Eric Clapton or David Soul." "Then I read the Sermon on the Mount, and it was so fantastic, that was it." "I decided to abandon the catwalk and give the dog collar a try." "So here I am, at your service, totally yours, any time, any day." "But if you come to see me early in the morning, wear dark glasses." "Before my face falls into place, I look like Bernard Manning!" "It's true." "I do." "It's scary." "Now let's sing hymn number 300." "It sounds best if you shout on the "bread of heaven" bit." "# Bread of heaven" "# Bread of heaven" "# Feed me now and ever more" "# Ever more" "# Feed me now" "# And ever more!" "#" "Marks out of ten, Alice?" "17." "Come in...." "Oh., Owen, what did you think?" "Missed most of it I'm afraid." "Otherwise engaged." "Stomach bad?" "It's like the Battle of the Somme down there." "Jim.., did you enjoy it?" "No, no, no, no, no." "Oh.. thanks." "You're welcome." "You'll definitely be staying on now." "Fingers crossed." "It's dead certain." "I haven't been more sure of anything since my O level results." "And how many did you pass?" "None actually." "It's the most people in church since that Lady Godiva thing." "Oh, what was that?" "We celebrated the summer solstice by re-enacting Lady Godiva." "No, no, no, that's my dress!" "A lot of people turned up, but it was rather disappointing." "Lady Godiva wearing a body stocking?" "No, she was stark naked." "Wow!" "I didn't get to the hairdresser's so I wasn't looking my best." "I bet you were, you saucepot!" "So there's this nun, she's having a bath, and a knock comes on the door." "Oh, dear!" "She says, "Who is it?" The reply is, "The blind man." "Can I come in?"" "She thinks about it, then says, "OK, come in."" "So the chap comes in and says, "Nice Tits!" ".." "Where d'you want me to hang the blind?".." "He wasn't..." "No, no." "And he saw..." "Hmm." "Yes, yes."