"Everyone, please take your seats." "You heard the bell." "You know what it means." "Last week, the assignment was to write an essay about your family." " Who they..." " Are." "And what they..." "Mean to us." "Excellent droning." "So I want everyone to take out their essays." "We're going to read them aloud to the class right up here." "My mom says that me and my dad have very healthy appetites." "My mom and dad are very religious." "When they're in their bedroom at night, I always hear them yelling, "Jesus."" "My mom says my dad's eyes are brown because he is so full of sh..." "Brian." "My brother Jack is in eighth grade." "He told me to ask my dad who he voted for for President." "I did and my Dad said he's a total Bush-man." "That made my brother laugh really hard." "Whenever my Uncle Stu comes over to play pool with my dad, my mom says the basement smells like a Cheech and Chong movie." "Well, it's like this." "My dog ate my paper." "I checked, but he didn't poop it out." "What a lovely sentiment, Mr Etheridge." "Maybe your dog can eat the zero you'll be receiving too." " Aw, man." " Harsh." "Miss Trinke?" "It's your turn now." "My dad says life can be split into two categories:" "New Jersey and New York." "My dad was a Jersey boy who became the youngest and most successful music publicist in New York City." "By the time he was 27, he had 100 people working for him." "And even though they all loved him, he loved them even more." "My fellow flacks and spin doctors." "Salud." "Daddy loved his job, but not as much as he loved my mom." "Mommy was a book editor in New York City when her and Daddy met." "Daddy said their jobs were kind of the same - they made slight corrections for their clients." "Because George Michael is a pimp who is all about the ladies, my friend." "Come on, "I Want Your Sex"?" "That sound like he's singing to a guy?" "Daddy worked so much that sometimes Mommy could only see him late at night." "Daddy says that's why they both loved the city so much - it never went to sleep." "And neither did him and Mommy." "But after a year of romance in New York City," "Daddy said it was time to show Mommy where he came from." "So he took her home to New Jersey and put her through what he said was the biggest test their love would ever face:" ""Introducing her to my pop."" " How are ya?" " How're ya doin'?" " How're ya doin' yourself?" " This is Gertrude." "Hi." "Merry Christmas." " And what do you do, Mr Trinke?" " Easy on the "Mr Trinke"." "It's Bart." "I work for the borough, for 30 years now." "He's the only man in Highlands licensed to operate the street sweeper." "Man, I always wanted to ride in one of those things." "Well, you continue seeing my son, I can probably get you a turn at the wheel." "I was only gonna sleep with him a few more times and then dump him, but now, after an offer like that..." "Holy shit." "Listen to the mouth on this one." "Yeah, they don't make 'em like Mom any more, do they, Dad?" " Now, listen, I'm goin' to the bar." " What a shock." "If you guys are gonna do anything while I'm gone, stay the hell off of my bed." " You're going to a bar?" " Didn't he tell ya?" "I'm an alcoholic." " Well, I wanna go to the bar too." " No, you don't wanna go to this bar." "It's a bunch of old guys talkin' about how good they had it under Kennedy." "The man was a goddamn saint." "I'm goin' to the bar with your dad." "You can come if you want." "No, that's OK." "I'll stay here and do the dishes." "I only cooked." "Why shouldn't I clean?" "Suit yourself." "But don't wash that pan." "I got a layer of juice built up for the pork roll, and I don't want you scrubbing' it off." "That "juice" is called grease, Dad." "It's bad for you." "It clogs your arteries." "It's called juice." "And it greases a father's insides so that he can better swallow the shit his son feeds him twice a year when he can be bothered coming to visit him." "So that night, Daddy took Mommy to Pop's bar, where she got to meet Pop's other children, his best friends Greenie and Block." "Your kid's cuttin' a rug." "Who are you, Connie Chung?" "Daddy said, because Mommy survived her first trip to Jersey, he knew she was a keeper." "He said they celebrated their engagement by going out for pizza." "And that's how I got here." "Do we have enough of these at home, or should I steal some?" "Put those away." "If you're gonna steal something, steal some rubber gloves." " Thank you." " You're welcome." "And with that, everyone lived happily ever after." "Almost." "Look, you've got two minutes, and then we have to go, OK?" " Or I'm gonna leave." " Would you stop rushing me?" "I don't understand how somebody who had all day sitting around to get ready waits till 20 minutes before we have to leave." "You try getting anything accomplished with this big gut in your way." "This is one of the few days of the year that I can be fired for being late." "Anytime that you wanna carry this baby, Ollie, you let me know." "OK?" "I would be glad to go back to wearing regular dresses instead of this tent." "The dress looks fine." "It's gorgeous, OK?" "It's beautiful." "Yeah, until I'm standing next to Janet Jackson or Sheryl Crow." "Then you'll see how not fine it looks." "Gertie, I asked you, please, to use your own brush, OK?" " Can you just not use my brush?" " Don't start." "It's just that every time I wanna comb my hair" "I spend 15 minutes taking these long, bushy hairs out of my brush." "And I mean, you ask me to..." "I'm sorry." "Baby, I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." "You don't understand what it's like to be this fat." "I've always been thin, and now I'm a disgusting pig." "And it's my first time going to the Video Music Awards and all the other girls are gonna be skinny, and I'm gonna look like a whale." "Baby, baby, they're just skinny 'cause they're all coked-out whores." "I wanna be a coked-out whore." "OK, you can be a coked-out whore too." "You can be a coked-out, coked-out whore." " I'm sorry." " I should be more sensitive." "I'm sorry." "I should be more sensitive, honey." "I know." " Yes." " I know." " Baby, we have to go now, OK?" " OK." " I love you." "We have to go now." " OK." " I love you too." " All right, let's go." "OK?" "Just give me two minutes." " What time is it?" " 20 after." " She's gonna kill me." " I need the quote for the Madonna release." "OK. "Madonna trusts the public will judge for itself that... this latest in a long line of breakthrough music videos is not the tasteless sexploitation it's accused of being."" " "It's artistic expression."" " Of what?" "Of one woman's constant need to show the world her labia." "Can I use the word "labia" in a press release?" "See you next week." "One of these days, I'll get me one of those husbands that show up for Lamaze." "I'm sorry, babe." "It was Madonna." "So you were late because of another woman." "That's nice." " Come on." "I still gotta do my job." " And I still gotta do mine too." "But I was at Lamaze on time." "Look, all I'm saying is that guy who used to spend all night at the office and barely live in his apartment?" "That's not you any more." "Now you have to be the guy who's done by six and comes home and hangs out with his family." "That's the only way we're gonna work." "OK?" "OK." " OK." " OK." "OK." " OK." " OK." " Can I help you?" " Yes." "My wife's water broke." "She's gonna have a baby." " You're gonna have to check in, hon." " Check in?" "Where, at the concierge desk?" "Why are you being so combative with me?" "First of all, take your hands off my uniform." "And second, I'm gonna need a patient here." "This is my wife." "This is the belligerent nurse that's being so difficult with me, giving me such a hard time." " I'm sorry." "He's a little panicky." " Can I get a wheelchair?" " Let's get you up to delivery..." " OK." "...and let him fill out the paperwork." " OK." " If we can trust him with a pen." " Here, sweetie." "OK, just relax, breathe." "Remember, take it easy." "I love you." "I'll be right there, OK?" "I love you." " I love you too." " OK, I love you." "We've practised this 1,000 times." "It'll be great." "How hard can it be?" " Push." "You're doing good." " You're doing real good." " No, I can't." "I can't do it." " Take a breath." " It hurts." " I know it hurts." "It's OK, baby." "Push." "You can do it." "Take a deep breath." "In five, four..." " OK?" "Here you go." "...three, two, one." "Push." "Push harder, Gertie." "The baby's crowning." "I can see her." "I just need one more push." " Can you see her?" " Holy shit." "I can see the head." " One more." "Breathe." " Push." "It's almost there, baby." "Push." "You're doing it." "Push." "Push." "Here she comes." "Here she is." " Do you wanna cut the cord, Dad?" " Yeah." "Scissors, please." "Yes." "And she's got all ten fingers, ten toes." "We'll get her all cleaned up and then we're gonna check..." "Gertie?" " Baby, look." " Gertie?" "Gertie." "Gertie, can you hear me?" " She's OK." "Sweetheart?" " Nurse, get Dr Mortimer right away." "She's resting." "Who's Dr Mortimer?" "Dr Mortimer." " What's happening?" " She's unresponsive." " Gertie." " Gertie." "Gertie, it's me." "Healthy baby." "Unresponsive." " Respiratory arrest." " Turn it around." " What's happening to my wife?" " Let's open that IV, please." "Baby, are you OK?" "Sweetheart, wake up." "Please, someone take Mr Trinke outside." "Please." "I'm gonna have to intubate." "Gertie, wake up, my love." "Gertie, please." "Wake up." "Get off me." "Gertie." "I wanna stay with my wife." "Gertie." "What's happening?" " Ollie..." " If I don't get to go in there right now..." " I swear to God." " Ollie, calm down." "Fuck you, calm down." "OK?" "I got dragged out of there, I haven't got to see my baby." "Your baby is fine." "She's healthy, she's normal." " What's wrong with Gertie?" " I need you to calm down before I..." "Look, I'm calm." "OK?" "I'm calm." "We think Gertie had an aneurysm." "Is she OK?" "We lost her, Ollie." "The strain of the contractions and the pushing caused the aneurysm to rupture." "There are rarely symptoms for aneurysms..." "You sure you're OK with this, Dad?" "What, OK?" "She's my granddaughter." "Yeah, you can stay with me anytime, can't you?" "Yes, you can." "Until you're a teenager, with the boys and a reefer." "Then I don't wanna know about you." "I wouldn't impose on you, you know." "I just got a lot of work piled up from before and..." " I'll be back late tonight, OK?" " Yeah, take your time." "Your daddy really misses your mommy, kid." "I miss her too." "Especially right now." "Oh, Jesus." "Yeah." " You wanted to see me, Ollie?" " Yeah, come on in." "I didn't think you were gonna be in this week." "How you doin'?" " You all right?" " I'm fine." "Look, this piece in the Post." "Why didn't you call me when this broke?" " I had to read about it in New Jersey." " It's cool." "The nurse is a fan." "Will she still be a fan when the Enquirer flashes a stack of 50s in her face?" "Listen, something like this breaks, I'm not in the city, you find me or you find another job." "Yeah, OK." "OK." " What else do we got?" " Will Smith." " Who?" " The Fresh Prince?" ""DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince" Fresh Prince?" " Yeah." " What about him?" "You remember the first album, the one with "Girls Ain't..." " Rock the House." "Yeah?" " Rock the House, right." "You remember on the cover of the album Jazzy Jeff is holding a model of a house?" "Vaguely." "Will Smith is donating that house to the Hard Rock Cafe." "Well, stop the presses." "You put the word out yet?" " Date pending, yeah." " Anybody give a shit?" " Every outlet wants in." " You're kidding me?" "No." "Even US News and World Report." "Why?" "It's an eight-year-old album." "Doesn't matter." "Everyone loves that Fresh Prince TV show." "He's got that movie coming out in a couple of weeks, Independence Day." " Let the film division handle it." " No, we can't." "Will wants to keep his music career separate from his movie career." "Like the Fresh Prince of Bel Air is ever gonna have a movie career." "Get me everything you can." "I'll put together a press kit on him, and we'll just do it." "OK." " Patty, get me Kirsch." " Sure, Ollie." "I can handle this Fresh Prince stuff if you wanna take a couple of days..." "Hey, Arthur, I can do my job." "I'm all set, OK?" "You do your job." "Go ahead." "Patty, did you not hear me?" "I asked you to please get Kirsch on the phone." " Ollie?" " I'm trying." "What, man?" "I know I told you at the funeral, but I'm really sorry..." "I'm fine." "OK, Arthur?" "I am fine." "Please go do what I asked you to do now." " Kirschner on one." " OK." "Put him on the phone then." " How's the baby?" " The baby is fine, Arthur." "Forget about the baby." "I just wanna do my job." "Jesus Christ, Ollie." "What the hell you screamin' about?" "Patty, was that..." "I'm working on that right now." "Don't worry." "Just get there early and deal with the menu." "OK?" "Are you deaf?" "The kid is cryin' up there." "Can you deal with that?" "I'm doing something important." "OK?" "Thanks." "What the hell could be more important than your kid crying?" "I have a memorabilia donation ceremony in the morning that my company is treating like a royal wedding 'cause apparently the client's the most beloved American musician since Elvis." "The kid's been screaming for the last ten minutes." "If it bothers you so much, go up there and give her a bottle." "OK?" "Sorry." "It's a nightmare trying to work at this house." "Jesus." "Let me call you back, OK?" " What, Dad?" " Listen, kid." "I lost a wife too, remember?" "So I get how you're feelin'." "But come on." "You were married for what, 20 years?" "I got about 20 minutes." "So you don't "get" how I'm feeling at all, OK?" "I'm sorry, Oliver, but that don't change the fact that you're a goddamn father now and you haven't acted like it since that kid got home from the hospital." "I been calling in sick for a month to do the things you're supposed to be doin'." "Jesus Christ, if Gertie could see the shit you've been pulling..." "Gertie doesn't see anything any more, Dad." "She's dead." "Yeah, she's dead." "But you ain't." "And neither is that kid." "Yeah." "It's nothin'." "All right, so I'm gonna do the kit." "It's almost finished." "You can deal with the menu." "What time's Will getting there?" "Dad, the baby's up." "Dad." "The baby needs to be fed." "Dad." "What the hell...?" "Are you nuts?" "What, are you trying to get killed?" " What are you doing?" " Searching for Christ." "What's it look like?" "It would have been nice if you'd told me you were leaving the house." "That way, I could've given you the baby instead of driving all the way down here." " Now I'm gonna hit traffic." " No, you ain't giving me the baby." "Excuse me?" "I got uptown and downtown to do this morning." " You're on your own with the kid today." " What?" "No." "I have this press conference I have to do this morning, Dad." "You know that." " I got a job to do too." " If I don't leave right now..." " So leave." " And do what with the baby?" " Take her with you." " Goddamn it." "I..." "Look, I know I haven't been helping out that much with the baby..." "Listen to you, "Helping out that much with the baby."" "She's your daughter, for Christ's sakes." " What am I supposed to do with her?" " Try acting like her father, shithead." "Goddamn it." "Folks, I'm sorry." " Sorry." "Steve." " What the...?" " I ordered diapers." "Did they get here yet?" " You mean baby diapers?" "Why didn't you start half an hour ago?" "You shouldn't have waited for me." " We're waiting for Will." " Will's not here?" " No." " Are either of you guys Trinket?" " Close enough." "Where is he?" " We're not sure." "Damn." "That baby smells like shit." "You know that, right?" "It's a good thing you finally showed up, man." " They're gettin' all rowdy out there." " Mother of God." " What?" "Jesus..." " Ollie." "Ollie, the guy from Rolling Stone..." "Holy shit." "What is that smell?" "Grow up, Susan." "It's a dirty diaper." "What did the Rolling Stone guy say?" "If we don't start in five minutes, they're leaving to go cover the Blues Traveler signing at Tower." " Jesus Christ." " You're doing that wrong." " What?" " You're doing that wrong." "You're supposed to wipe front to back." "You're wiping back to front." "You do that, you're just wiping the poop into her crevice." "Get outta here." "Beat it." "Mark my words, you're gonna give her the crotch-rot." " Would one of you do..." "You do this." " Not me." "No." "Will you do this so I can go out there and calm them down?" "Why, because I'm a girl?" "I've never even seen a naked baby." "No." "Fine." "Thank you very much." "I'm gonna remember this." " How much of this am I supposed to use?" " Should I get that guy back?" "If it's for the smell, I suggest you use a lot." "You gotta turn it." "You gotta turn the top." "Direct it at the baby." "Thank you." "Go out there, please, and tell them we're about to start." "I'd say more." "That's a lot." "All right, the Fresh Prince is almost here." "Is that blow on your shirt?" "What do you think, Stretch?" "This is show business, right?" " That was a joke, people." " Where's the Fresh Prince?" "The Fresh Prince is on his way." " It's crying." "Will you take it?" " No." "Is that Jazzy Jeff?" "This is bullshit." "Where's the Fresh Prince?" "Will someone please shut that girl up?" "Enough with the Romper Room, man." "Bring out the Fresh Prince." "Fresh Prince." "Fresh Prince." "Please take her." "I..." "Goddamn it." "Christ." "Give her to me." "Give me the baby." "Would you people just shut the hell up with the "Fresh Prince" already?" "He's a two-bit TV actor who won't be around any longer than it takes for the ink to dry on the pages of the worthless rags you jerk-offs write for." "Shit." " That guy's toast." " That's a hell of a quote." "It's all right, Arthur." "We won't be here too long, Dad." "We'll be out of your hair as soon as I get another job." "I have some feelers out to the other firms right now." "As soon as this whole thing blows over..." "It's OK to stay here as long as you need to, till you get back on your feet." " I appreciate that." " On one condition." " Here we go." " You put the kid to bed every night." " That's it?" " For starters." "And no whores." "I don't want no whores in my house." "I'm not really a whoremonger, Dad." "Here, the kid gets this." "That's cute." "8:00, you both get a bottle." "Just shut the hell up and go be a father, would ya, please?" "No?" "Yeah, this is only temporary - us, you know," "living with your grandfather here." "So... how about that Fresh Prince thing, huh?" "It was quite a show." "Your dad's one big horse's ass." "Daddy's ex-bosses said the guys who did PR for Hitler have a better chance of working in this business again than Daddy does." "So, OK..." "How're you doin'?" "Yeah." "You know, you kinda look like your mom." "Like a squishier, balder version of your mom." "Man..." "I just wish you could've gotten to meet your mom." "I know she wanted to meet you - in a big, bad way." "In a big, bad way." "Sometimes, Daddy wishes he'd have died instead of Mommy." "Because Mommy never would've let work get in the way of getting to know you, like Daddy has for the last month or so." "It's just that Daddy..." "he didn't expect Mommy... to leave the way she did." "It's just really hard on Daddy, who's been trying to fill up his days with work, so he wouldn't have to think about Mommy never being around again." "I just loved your mom so much." "You know?" "She really lit my world on fire." "When that happens... you kinda think it'll go on like that until one of you dies." "You know?" "You just don't expect..." "I miss her so much." "So, so much." "And you're a little piece of Mommy." "And that makes you really special to Daddy." "Just don't go anywhere." "'Cause you're the next best thing to Mommy, and I love you so much." "And I'll always be here for you." "And I'm sorry about the way I've been acting." "I promise you, I'll be better now." "I'm gonna be the best daddy in the world." "'Cause that's what Mommy wanted." "And that's what you deserve." "And that's all I am now." "I'm just your dad." "Your dad likes to run off at the mouth sometimes, I know." "Your mother wasn't a fan, either." "You wanna see a picture of your mom?" "I have one." "This was your mommy." "She was really pretty." "OK." "You can keep it." "Daddy's got a bunch." "There you go." "Goodnight, Gertie." "Gertie." "Your chariot awaits, Princess." "Let's go." "We gotta go." "How was school, good?" " You have a nice time?" " Yep." "Remember to put your seat belt on?" "Know where to find it?" "Yep." "Lock and load." "Comin' around." "Get ready." " Ready?" " Punch it, Chewy." " Can we go see Cats?" " Absolutely not." "Why?" "Cats was the second-worst thing that ever happened to New York City." " Besides, Cats closed three years ago." " We never do anything cool." "You're ridin' in the Batmobile, aren't ya?" "How cool is that?" "Oh, my God." "Look, no one's more depressed than me that driving the street sweeper is considered the height of excitement in my life." "I used to live in New York City." "I could've gone to see Cats three times a day." "It's not like I ever ask for anything." ""And the Oscar goes to Gertie Trinke, for her performance in Laying It On Thick For My Old Man."" "What is it with you and Cats all of a sudden?" "I wanna sing a Cats song in the big show, like everybody else." " What big show?" " There's gonna be this big show at school." "All the people have to sing a song with people from their family." " Are you inviting me to this big show?" " Yeah, you and Pop too." "I'm sure that'll go over huge with your pop." "Can Uncle Greenie and Uncle Block be in it too?" "Those men are not your uncles." "They're barely even your peers." "Pee-ers?" " When is this big show?" " Right before Thanksgiving break." "Does it have to be something from the Bible?" "I don't think so." "Is Cats in the Bible?" "The Satanic Bible, yes." " What?" " When you taking her to see the cats?" "Jesus, you too?" "Gertie." "Do you even know what Cats is, Dad?" " What, I don't read the papers?" " You don't read that paper." "What are you doing with a New York Times?" "They ran out of the Ledger." "They don't have the Jumble in the Times, Dad." "Shit." " Where were you?" " I was in the bathroom." " Why didn't I hear the toilet flush?" " I forgot." "OK, march your butt back upstairs and flush that toilet." "And when I say no about something, like, I don't know, Cats, maybe, I mean no." "OK?" " Pop, you were supposed to be subtle." " Why do you teach her words like that?" "You're gonna have to mow the park for me tomorrow." "I can't do it." " Why the hell not?" " I have an appointment in the city at 11:00." "Jesus, kid, why do you keep doin' it to yourself?" "How many of these interviews you gotta go on before you get it through your thick head they don't want you in that business any more?" "For Christ's sakes, you made fun of that Prince Charles guy." "Thank you." "First of all, Dad, I didn't "make fun" of anybody." "I made one remark about Will Smith, the Fresh Prince." "Sooner or later, everyone's gonna forget about that and I'm gonna go back to doing what I'm really good at, instead of sweeping streets and ploughing snow and picking up garbage." "OK?" "If you're going into the city anyway, at least take the kid to see the cats." "Oh, God..." "I'll tell you what, since there is no more Cats," "Gertie, why don't you come over here and pick out another play that you wanna see?" "Look through here." "Anything you want." "Go nuts." " Cats is a show?" " Yeah, you read the papers." "You think you're slick, don't ya, young lady?" "Next time you're lookin' for a partner in crime, you're gonna have to aim higher than your grandfather." " He's soft in the head." " I heard that." "Here." "Can we go see this show?" "Sweeney Todd?" "Do you know that this has a lot of singing?" " It's still a play." " OK." "I'm just checking." "Your dad one time lost a bet with someone at his work, and he had to go see a singing play, done by people on roller skates." " Cool." " Your dad didn't think so." "I handled primarily recording artists but when I initially trained, I trained in film PR, so I can do that too." "I took the last six or seven years off." "I was raising my daughter in New Jersey." "But I kept abreast, so I'm pretty comfortable jumping back in." "What else can I tell you guys?" "That's it." "I can start, you know, right away." "You guys all right?" "Are you the Ollie Trinke?" "The one who used to work at Mandel/Kirschner?" "Yeah." " Son of a bitch." " Yes." "I told you, Reynolds." "Pay up." " I got it." " Am I missin' somethin'?" "Nah, he just bet me you were the Ollie Trinke, the one who pulled "The Fresh Prince"." " They named it?" " Of course." "Are you kidding?" "You're a legend, man." "You did what every flack only dreams about doing." " Which was what?" " You went apeshit." "You trashed your client back to the Stone Age." " Yeah." " We bow to you, man." " You're like a god around here." " Yep, exactly." " God enough to get a job?" " No." " What, are you insane?" " No chance, Trinke." " Pop, I'm home." " Yeah, like I give a shit." "You know, thanks a lot, Pop." " That's what it looks like?" " I guess." " What does yours look like?" " Not like that." "Yeah?" "Let me see." "All right." "Gertie." "It's time for Bryan to go home." "OK..." "What are your intentions?" "What are your intentions with my daughter?" " Do you plan on marrying her?" " I don't know." "Well, only married boys and girls... show each other their... their, you know, parts." "OK?" "OK, Bryan, you can go now." "If you come back, come back with a ring." "Yes, Mr Trinke." " Bye, Gertie." " Bye." "Goodbye, Bryan." "OK." "Do you have any... questions about what you, you know... you know, whatever, saw?" "Do you have what Bryan has?" "Yes, I have one too." "Is yours as big as his?" "Sadly, yes." " Can we rent a movie?" " Yes." " So they wouldn't give you a job, huh?" " No." "But apparently Daddy's a legend." "You don't need that job anyway." "You already got a job." "Yes, well, Daddy used to have a job where a nightly shower was an option, not a necessity." " You know what job you should do?" " What's that?" "You should be a dance teacher, like Johnny in Dirty Dancing." "I should?" "Should I say, "Nobody puts Baby in a corner"?" "Can we rent Dirty Dancing again?" "Dirty Dancing ranks one notch below Cats in my book." "Can you pick out something else?" "Can we rent this?" "Absolutely not." "Go pick out something from the children's section." " All those movies suck." " Watch your language." "Nah, that's..." "No, I guess that's it." "Yep, that's it." "I'll just take this and whatever the kid's getting." "Just go ahead and put it in the bag." "I'm all set." "It's good." ""Bi-Bi Guys, featuring Curious Jordie"?" "Interesting choice." "Does the wife know you're looking into your options?" "It's..." "I got the..." " I got the wrong box by accident." " Right." "Would you mind exchanging that for me for something... anything you can get your hands on that's, you know..." " So, then you want something..." "...that's non-bi." "Can I have your membership card, please?" "Yeah, sure." "Do you mind if I asked you a few questions about your renting practices?" " Sure." " Really?" "Do you always rent adult titles with your daughter in tow, or is this the first time?" "Excuse me?" "When you rent porn, do you usually do it with family around, or is this like a, you know, special occasion?" " Do I have to answer this?" " I'm a grad student, writing a thesis paper." ""A Bird in the Hand:" "The Family Man and the Pornographic Fixation."" "OK." "I would rather not take part." "Really?" "Frank, is Bi-Bi Guys a one or a two-night rental?" " What are you getting, Daddy?" " Yeah, Daddy." "Let's just take a look..." "Let's not, OK?" "Would you mind not asking me those questions when my daughter's with me?" "How about when you bring these back?" "That's..." "Yeah." "In an effort to get honest feedback, leave the kid and the wife at home." "My mom's dead." "She died when I was born." "Oh, Jesus." "Man, I'm sorry." "I didn't..." "No, you didn't." "Let's go." "I'm sorry." "Do I have to?" "Major Damage didn't have to go to bed when he fought the Tiki Terrors." " Melvin." " And do they..." " I'll get it." " You will not." "You're not even supposed to be up this late." "Watch your video." " But, Mom." " Say, "OK, Mom."" "Hi." "You're the lady from the video store." "Let's not use that term too loosely, OK?" "Go back and watch your video." "Yes?" "I just wanted to come here and tell you that I'm really sorry about earlier tonight." "I feel like shit about what I said and your daughter and everything." "Well, you should." "You know that kid was crying in the car the whole way home?" " Oh, no." " No, I wasn't." " Get back inside and watch your video." " Nice." "Real nice." "See, now you have to let me interview you for my paper." "Is that why you're here?" "I just think you'd make one hell of an interesting case study." "The sympathetic widower who doesn't have time to date 'cause he's raising a kid, so he rents porn instead." "I mean, I think that's very interesting stuff." "Jesus Christ." "You've got some nerve, lady." "And besides, I'd really like to make it up to you." "For what I said, and for embarrassing you before that." "You're really having a banner evening." "You're batting a thousand tonight." "You're Ollie, right?" "I'm Maya Harding." ""Hi, Maya." "Nice to meet you."" "Hi." "Come on, why don't you let me take you out one day this week?" "You do eat lunch when you're not knee-deep in adult movies, right?" "I appreciate it, but no thanks." "Ollie, come on, you're ruining my karma level here." "What, buying me one lunch is gonna square you with Krishna?" "Hare Hare." "Is Monday OK?" "Sound good?" "I mean, I was thinking nothing fancy." "I was thinking maybe, like, the diner." " Around noon?" " No." "Noon it is." "See you there." "Bye." "An incredibly strange woman." "I did not hear the toilet flush." "Thank you." " Can we get popcorn?" " This isn't the movies, sweetheart." "They don't sell popcorn here." "This is Broadway." "This is class." "And if you're beautiful" "What then?" "With yellow hair like wheat" "I think we shall not meet again, my little dove" "My sweet Johanna" "Goodbye, Johanna" "You're gone and yet you're mine" "I'm fine, Johanna" "I'm fine" "OK." "You see that floor." "Now look three windows in from the right." "See that window?" "That's where we used to live before we lived with Pop." "We'd still live there if we lived in the city." " If Mommy was still alive?" " Yep." " Dad..." " Yes?" "Do you miss Mommy?" "I do." "Every day." " What was she like?" " I've told you a million times." " I know, but I forget." " No, I don't think you forget." "I think you just like to hear me tell you." "Which is OK." "It's all right." "You can ask about your mommy as much as you want." "So tell me already." "Well, she was pushy, like you were right there." "She was beautiful, like you are right now." "And she was smart... and strong, like you'll grow up to be one day." "I'm smart now." "I know." "I wasn't impugning your intelligence or anything." " What's "impugning" mean?" " Not so smart now, are you?" " That's a big word." " Yes, you're right, it is." "Let's see." "To impugn means to criticise." "So, Pop's always impugning you, right?" "Well, he thinks he is." "But he's just talking to make sure he's still alive." "Pop is a very, very old man." "What do you think?" "You like the city?" "It's OK." "But I like Highlands better." " You do?" " Yeah." "My school's there, and my friends." "And we can rent movies there." "Well, if memory serves, you can rent movies here too." "Yeah, but not from that pretty lady at the video store." " You think she's pretty, do you?" " Don't you?" "Isn't that why you're taking her on a date?" "It's not a date." "The only girl I take on dates is you, OK?" "This is a date." "We're on a date." "We are?" " It doesn't feel like a date." " It doesn't?" "Well, I can fix that." "Sir." "So, question one:" "How often do you rent adult movies?" " Do I really have to do this?" " You have nothing to be ashamed about." "Interest in adult film can be healthy, as long as it's not habitual." " So come on, how often?" " Three or four times a week." "OK, maybe I was wrong." "You should be ashamed." "You have a real talent for making the subject feel open and comfortable in a safe environment." "So you're renting it presumably to masturbate to, right?" " Good God." " Come on, don't be such a tight-ass." "We're all adults here." "I know I'm an adult." "How old are you, exactly?" " I'll be 26 in March." " 26?" "You still haven't learned some things aren't polite to talk about in public?" "If it makes you feel any better, I do it, like, twice a day." " Good God." " What can I tell ya?" "I get bored easily." "You're gonna get carpal tunnel syndrome." "Don't get all judgmental with me." "You're no slouch yourself." " Well, no, I..." " I just have a healthy sexual appetite." "Why don't you go out and get yourself a boyfriend?" "Why don't you just go out and get yourself a girlfriend?" "I work all day, I hang out with my kid all night." "So you'd rather hang out with your kid than get laid?" " Yeah." " That's kinda sweet." "I'm kinda crushing' on you right now, Trinke." "OK." "Can I go home now?" "No." "When was the last time you had sex?" "I would rather not disclose that information." "Come on, don't clam up on me now." "You're gonna remain anonymous in my paper." "Anonymity doesn't concern me." "Embarrassment does." " Why would you be embarrassed?" " Because it's been a long time." " How long?" " A long time." "Come on, champ." "Own it." "Just put it out there." "I swear I won't make any editorial cracks about it." "Not in front of you, at least." " Seven years." " Seven years?" "Since my wife died, yeah." "You know, a dumbfounded, mouth-agape look of shock might be construed by some as an editorial crack too." " I'm sorry." " It's OK." "It's fine." "No, it's not." "I mean, it's not at all." "With all due respect to your wife, you've gotta get back on the horse, man." " No, I don't, actually." " Yes, you do." " No, I don't." " Yes, you..." "Get up." " Are we done?" " With this, for now." "But come with me." "Lord have mercy." " Where are we going?" " To your place." "We're gonna have some sex." " What, did you forget something?" " No." "Look, I appreciate the offer." "I'm very flattered." "But I can't do this." "What's the matter?" "Don't you think I'm cute?" " Of course I think you're cute." " Well, then?" "Look, I'm not just celibate because of my daughter." "There are a lot of emotional issues in it too." "I mean, my wife may be dead." "I'm still very much in love with her." "I respect that." "I'm not telling you to fall in love with me here, and I'm not trying to replace your wife." "I'm just talking about two consenting adults having some casual sex." "Probably some really short casual sex, with you being a little out of practice." " I can't do it, I'm sorry." " What are you, a monk?" "God." "Let's look at this logically, OK?" " You rent porn and touch yourself, right?" " Would you lower your voice?" "If you're not sweating how your wife would feel about you and porn, then you shouldn't sweat what I'm proposing 'cause it's the same thing." "Only somebody else is doing the touching and you're saving a $2 rental fee." "Come on, stud." "Man cannot live on porn alone." "Oh, God..." "I'm home." "Pop?" " Oh, my God." "What do I do?" " Get in the bathroom." " Pop?" " No, honey, it's me." "Daddy?" "Why aren't you at work?" "Because I had to come home and do..." "I had to... come home and take a shower." " Can we rent a movie?" " Yeah, sure, sure, sure." "As soon as I get done up here and dry off, I'll come down." "OK." "Oh, my God." "That was so close." "What do we do now?" "I'm wet." "Sorry, Dad, I forgot again." "Hi, honey." "You remember Maya." "From the video store." " What are your intentions?" " Excuse me?" "What are your intentions with my father?" "Like, do you plan on marrying him?" "I don't..." "Because I was taught that only married girls show their girl parts to boys." " Right, Daddy?" " Right." "Yes." "Can we rent all the movies we want for free?" "What?" "Can we rent all the movies we want for free?" "Yes." "For God's sake, yes." "If it means we're not, you know, that we're not in trouble any more." "And..." "Right, Maya?" "Yes." "Whatever you want." "It's on the house." "Even Dirty Dancing?" "Yeah." "And we can do Sweeney Todd for the show at school?" "What?" "We can do Sweeney Todd for the show at school?" " No, honey, that's too grown-up." " Really?" "Oh, man, what am I gonna tell Pop about you guys?" "Fine." "We can do Sweeney Todd for the show at school." "OK." "Would you shut the hell up already?" "Christ, Greenie, you're always..." "Oh, Jesus." "Christ Almighty." "You wearing' a towel?" "Just as long as you didn't do it on my bed." "Jesus Christ, it was one time in high school." "You wanna let it go already?" "I banged a broad in my parents' bed once." "It was nice." "Terrific." "Just so you know, we didn't "bang"." " What, did ya get to third base?" " No." "Not that it's any of your business, but we didn't do anything." "We lost our heads for a second, then cooler heads prevailed and we stopped before we did anything we'd both regret." "The kid busted in on 'em." "Let's talk about something else for a second, like this water main." " How bad is it?" " Definitely needs to be replaced." "Jesus Christ." "If we gotta shut down Bay Avenue for that, this town is gonna throw a shit fit." "I'm sure." "Kid, you haven't had to inconvenience the taxpayers on the job yet." "They get like animals." "Remember back in '88?" "South Peak Street." "Holy shit, I thought they were gonna crucify us upside down." " Like St Peter." " Who are you, the Holy Father?" "Everybody knows I meant St Peter." "You don't have to explain my shit." "I'm just saying..." "When I was down there, how many cars did you wave around?" "Three or four." "Three or four cars for the whole half hour I was down there?" "Well, it was rush hour." "Yeah, I don't think the legion of commuters in the Highlands of New Jersey are gonna object to us closing down a small portion of Bay Avenue for a few days." "One at a time, please." "One at a time." " We're doing the best we can." " You were saying?" "Why doesn't somebody just go up there and explain to them what's happening?" "Why don't you do it, Daddy?" "Wasn't that your old job?" "Making people like singers by saying nice things about 'em?" " Yes, baby, but..." " No, the kid's got a point there." "As a guy who used to sling bullshit for a living," "I nominate you to go up there and say something." " You do, huh?" " Yeah." " It can't hurt." " Go ahead." "Thanks, Pop." "Control yourselves." "He's goin' up there." "Folks, one second." "Please." "My name's Oliver Trinke and I'm with the borough." "So I guess that makes me the least popular guy in the room." "I want to assure you that... this Bay Avenue job will be a very minimal inconvenience." "It'll only take three days at the most." "Bullshit." "Folks, a little decorum." "Folks, one second." "I just have one more thing that I just want to add." "I live in this town." "I see you guys heading' to work every day..." "I'm telling you, it was amazing." "And I get up there and I weave this web of bullshit so profoundly mesmerising," " I turn the entire place around." " You silver-tongued devil, you." "Everything I was saying was just right on the money, you know?" "Maybe that's 'cause you weren't actually slinging as much bullshit as you thought." ""Get out there and play in the dirt"?" "I mean, what..." "I made that up." "Sounds pretty good to me." "Hey, Gert." "The sad thing is, I had a greater sense of accomplishment from the water-main thing than anything else I've done in the past seven years." "I get it." "I mean, you set out to do something and you did it." "So you feel drunk with power now." "Makes sense." "That's just it." "I was the youngest flack ever put in charge of its entire division in the history of Mandel/Kirschner." " I know." " That's an accomplishment." "Convincing a town to approve something that's already in their best interest?" " That's just delayed common sense." " Yeah, but that's your life now." "I mean, being the youngest flack in the history of blah, blah, blah... that's not you any more." "I mean, that might never have been you." "It was me." "It was me with my own apartment, me richer, me with more self-respect." "Like it or not, this is you." "I mean, forget about what you thought you were and just accept who you are." " I guess I'll just get this." " Gert, what are you doing?" "I distinctly remember your father telling you you could get Dirty Dancing." " Yeah." "He did." " Yeah." "Thanks for that, by the way." "Incidentally, she's been asking me when she's gonna grow boobies like yours." " Oh, my God." " She's seven, OK?" "If you want, I can give her the old "boobie" talk my mom gave me when I was a kid." "Does that talk include using the word "knockers"?" "I'm glad there's no, you know, awkwardness between us." "After the... well, the thing that happened last week with..." "Ollie, I was gonna give you a mercy jump." "The moment passed." "It's no big deal." " Just friends, right?" " Yeah, friends." ""Mercy jump." Stay away from my kid." " No, that's too round." " Shut up." " Shut up." " Just make it..." " Would you shut the hell up?" " All right." "There's people gettin' their throats cut in this thing." "Yep." "And your father said you could do this for the show?" "Yep." "Why the hell would he OK you singing this shit?" "Because I saw him and Maya naked in the shower." "Yeah." "That'll do it." "Can I speak with an Arthur Brickman, please?" " Ollie." " Arthur." " Hey, man." " How're you doin'?" " Good." "How are you?" " Good." "Good to see you." "You know, the town voted unanimously, approved the water main, so..." "You were always great with a crowd." "Well, except that once, of course." "But that's it." "It was the polar opposite of the Fresh Prince incident." "It was like I was on the top of my game." "Which is why I wanted to see ya." " I wanna ask you a favour." " Anything, man." "What?" "Is there any way that you could get me an interview with your firm?" "You're serious?" "I thought it was weird that you wanted to eat here." " I know it's gonna be tough..." " Tough?" "Ollie, you called a roomful of press a bunch of jerk-offs, and trashed a client who's one of the biggest movie stars on the planet." " He wasn't big then." " No, but he is now." "You wanna know how big?" "When I left Mandel/Kirschner, there were some firms that wouldn't even look at my resume because I..." "No offence, but because I worked under you." "I've only been at Angellotti a year now..." "You know what, man?" "Forget I asked." "Don't worry about it." "Seriously." " It was stupid." "I got carried away..." " No, let me finish." "What I was gonna say was..." "I've been waiting years to be in a position to be able to help you out, and now I am." "It's not gonna be an easy sell, but..." "I think I can get you in a room with Angellotti himself." " Thank you so much." " Of course." "You know, you're a lot more affectionate than I remember." "It's just I miss it so much, you know?" "It's the only thing I was ever any good at." "This is great." "I can move back here." "I can put Gertie in a really good, expensive private school." "I can get her a nanny, you know?" "It'll be like that whole Fresh Prince thing never even happened." "I'll work on the old man when I get back to the office and call you tonight if it's a go." "Great." "Excuse me" "Dear, see to the customers" "Guess what's the..." " Quick now" " My heart's a-flutter" "When I pound the floor" "It's a signal to show that I'm ready to go" "When I pound the floor..." "I have to get the phone." "Come on, Pop." "Do Dad's part." " Me?" " Yeah." "Yeah, go do that." "Hello?" "Hey, Arthur." "You're kidding?" "I'll pound three times Three times..." "Why do I have to sing your dad's part?" "I'm supposed to be the guy who gets clipped." " You are, but you're Dad's understudy too." " What the hell is that?" "It means if Daddy breaks a leg, then you do his part for him." " So, come on, try it again." " You're doin' good." "I'll pound three times..." "Three times" "Wait." "I'm supposed to be the understudy now." "I cannot work like this." "I'm sorry." " This is no way to run a show." " You were good." "You can go back to waiting in the wings, Tommy Tune." "I'll be doin' my own singing henceforth." " Who's Tommy Tune?" " Tommy Tune is a man that you can get a chance to see live and on Broadway when we move back to New York City." " What?" " What?" " What?" " What?" "Yeah, what?" "I was just on the phone with an old friend that I worked with at Mandel/Kirschner." "I had lunch with him and I asked him if he'd get me an interview with his new firm." "Jesus, another interview, Ollie?" "Come on, when are you gonna learn?" "Well, smart guy, he just called me, said he sat down with his boss, sold me to his boss like I was the cure for cancer." "It just so happens that a little spot has opened up in their music department." "Boom." "After six years of being a pariah," "I'm gonna get back in." "I'm talkin' about no more street sweeper, no more picking up garbage, and no more water main." "I'm talking press lines, I'm talking about parties." "I'm talking about a Westside address," "I'm talkin' about a good school for Gertie." "But I already go to a good school." "Yes, honey, but you're gonna go to a way, way better school in New York City." "You're gonna be able to take the subway to school." "Won't that be fun?" "But the subway's full of junkies and mole-men." " Well, they are." " Don't listen to Pop." "What do I tell you?" "He makes things up." " You'll see." "The subways are great." " I don't wanna see." "I don't wanna go to a school up in the city." "I wanna go to my school." "Honey, it's gonna be too far of a drive for me to come back down here to take you to school in New Jersey every morning." "So let's not move to the city." "Let's stay here with Pop." "Sweetheart, I'm too old to be living with my father." "I need to get my own place." "And Pop..." "I mean, look at him, he's a mad-dog." "He doesn't want us around here getting in his way, cramping' his style..." " Do you, Pop?" " That's all horseshit." "You know, thanks, Pop." "I don't wanna move to the city." "I like it here." "Pop says you can live here as long as you want." "Baby, remember when I took you to see Sweeney Todd?" "How much fun was that?" "We had a good time, right?" "I mean, if we move to New York City, we can do that every night." "Except for the nights you're working, of course." "You know what?" "Why don't you shut up for a second, OK?" "I'm trying to talk to my daughter." "You love New York City." "You told me you loved the city." "No, I didn't." " I said it was OK." " Jesus Christ." "I said I like Highlands better." "Why would you want some other job anyway, Dad?" "You get to ride the Batmobile." "Baby, Daddy doesn't wanna drive the Batmobile." "Daddy wants to eat sushi." "Daddy wants to hail cabs." "Daddy wants to have a doorman." "Daddy wants to lord it over magazine editors." "Daddy loved his old job, and he's missed it every day since he's been gone." "Daddy wants to do that job." "Daddy doesn't wanna pick up garbage forever." "But you told everybody at the meeting that your job's good because you don't have to wear a suit." "Yes, but Daddy was just saying that to get them to say yes to a water main." "So you were just lying to everybody?" "Look, OK, I'll tell you what." "I'll go to the meeting, all right?" "If I don't like what the man says, then I won't take the job." "Now you're lying to me." "All right, look, young lady." "I'm gonna go to this job interview on Monday, whether you like it or not." "Wait, this Monday?" " Yes." " Ollie, you can't go on Monday." " Why?" " Because that's the day of my show." "Shit." "It is, isn't it?" "Well, it's at four, so I can, you know, make it back in time." "But my show's at five." "On what planet are you gonna get back here by five if you've got a meeting in the city at four?" "Just lay off me for a second." "I forgot about the show." "How could you forget?" "What, are you stupid?" "Gertie, this job is very important to Daddy." "What about my show?" "Isn't that important to you?" "Yes, honey, that's even more important to me." "Then don't go to your stupid meeting about your stupid new job in the stupid city." " That's enough, young lady." " I don't even want you in the show." "You're not even a good Sweeney Todd anyway." "Pop's way better." "Even Uncle Greenie and Uncle Block are better than you." "Those men are not your uncles." "No, but we're good enough to build sets for her show, right?" "Sorry, I didn't mean that." "Where are you going?" "I don't wanna be around you." "I don't even want you to come to the show to watch it." " Come on." " I don't." "I don't even like you any more." "Get back here, young lady." "I'm talkin' to you." "Young lady." "Get back here, young lady." "No." "You can't tell me what to do." "I don't have to do anything you say." " Yes, you do." " Why?" "Because I'm your father, that's why." " So what?" " Don't you yell at me, Gertrude." "I'll yell at you all I want." "Blah, blah, blah." "I'm not moving to the stupid city." "All right, that's it." "You are moving to the city and you're gonna like it, and that's the end." "I hate you." "I wish you'd died, not Mommy." "I hate you right back, you little shit." "You and your mother took my life away and I just want it back." "God, I'm sorry." "I'm sorry, sweetheart." "I didn't mean..." " Get off me." " I'm sorry..." "Get off of me." "What the hell's the matter with you?" " Hey." " Hey." "What happened to you the other night?" "You just sort of took off." "It looked to me like you guys needed a little privacy." "What I really needed was a little backup." "She's a kid, Ollie." "Kids don't weather change well." "I mean, in a few years, you won't be able to keep her out of Manhattan." "But for now, she just wants what she knows." "So do I." "Yeah, but is that even what you know any more?" "Oh, Jesus." "You too?" "You want your old life back." "Big-money job, out of your old man's house..." "It's not like it doesn't make any sense." "Yeah." "So?" "That's your life that you want back, not theirs." "I mean, this is their life." "What you're sort of saying to everybody who loves you is that what we have isn't good enough for you." "So it's just upsetting everybody, you know?" " Everybody?" " What, me?" "I mean, it's not like we've got some big romance going on or anything." "We're just friends, right?" "Did you ever wonder if maybe someday it might... be more than that?" "For about two seconds, before you had me hiding in the shower from your kid." "Look, Ollie, I like you, but..." "I'm not gonna be all heartbroken 'cause you're leaving town." "I know." "Even if I took this job in the city," "I'd still come back down here and visit my old man." "And you." "Why?" "I mean, you think I'm gonna stick around here for much longer?" " Maya..." " Ollie..." "I gotta get back to work." "If I don't see you at the show, give me a call sometime when you get all settled up in the big city." "Come on..." "Shit." "Hi, Daddy." "Hey, baby." "I'm sorry." "I didn't mean to wake you up." "It's OK." "Listen." "I'm sorry - for yelling at you the other night." "I was wrong." "And I didn't mean any of the things that I said." "I know." "Neither did I." " Daddy?" " Yeah?" "Did Mommy like living in the city?" "Yeah, she did." "She loved it." "Then I guess I'll love it too." "Thanks, sweetheart." "Thanks." "You know, I still might make it to your show tomorrow, if the traffic's not too bad." "I won't be mad if you miss it." "I understand." "OK, sweetie." "Go back to sleep." "I love you." "Good night, Daddy." "Good night." "George Clooney's office for Tony on line one." "The Angellotti Company." "One moment, please." " Can I help you?" " Yes." "My name's Oliver Trinke and I'm here to see Arthur Brickman and Mr Angellotti." "OK." "Mr Trinke is here." "OK, I will." " They'll be about ten more minutes." " OK." " You can have a seat." " Right." "Hello." "Oh, my God." "Hi." "I'm here to see Brad." "Yes." "He's expecting you, sir." "He apologises, but he's stuck in traffic He's just a few blocks away." "Why don't you just have a seat and I'll let him know that you've arrived." "Thank you very much." "They love to keep you waiting, don't they?" " Excuse me?" " They love to keep you waiting." "Right." "Yeah, yeah, they do." "I think they think it gives them a psychological edge, you know?" "Well, it's about to give 'em the edge of my ass, 'cause that's all they're gonna see when I'm walkin' out that door." "You know anything about these guys?" "Only that they're the fastest-growing..." ""...firm in the business." Yes, I read that article too." "All right, well, you know as much as I do." "I guess that means they know what they're doing." "I suppose." "Unless these publicists hire other publicists to get the word out for 'em." "Right." "And then those publicists hire their own publicists to help spin the good publicity they created for these publicists." "Of course, knowing publicists, they probably hire publicists to promote the fact that they spun the publicity that they hired the other publicists to spin." "So..." " Oh, man." "So what do you do?" " I'm a publicist." "I didn't realise I was sitting here talking to an Angellotti man." "Well, to tell you the truth, I'm not an Angellotti man." "At least not yet." "I'm here trying to get a job." "These guys have been tryin' to steal me from my publicist since my last flick." " The robot movie, right?" " Yeah, you saw it?" "I haven't gotten around to it yet." "I'm gonna..." "Yeah." "Thanks a lot for the support though, man." " I wanna see it..." " You know what?" "It's not that good." "I have a kid." "I don't get a chance to get out and see movies unless they have singing crabs in 'em." "Singing crabs?" "I saw that one." "That means you have a girl." "That's right." " How old is she?" " She's seven." "Yeah?" "Cool." "I got a girl and two boys." "Three kids?" "God." "How do you find time to make all those blockbusters?" "Shoot, if I didn't have all them damn kids," "I wouldn't have to make these blockbusters." "Right." "Oh, man." " It's cool, though, isn't it?" " Making blockbusters?" " You tell me." " Bein' a parent, funny man." "It has its moments." " What's your daughter's name?" " Gertrude." "Damn." "Why'd you do that to that girl, man?" " Did you lose a bet?" " No." " No, it was my wife's name." " "Was"?" "OK, let me guess." "She took you for half after she saddled the kid with the name Gert?" "I can't blame it on her." "I saddled the kid with the name Gert." "She died in childbirth." "So..." " No, it's..." " I feel like an asshole, man." " Don't worry about it." " No, listen, I'm really sorry about that." "I didn't see your movie, so we're even." "Trust me." "This is exactly why people don't talk to each other in waiting rooms, right?" "Probably." "Although, I gotta tell ya, the fact that the guy who wrote "Parents Just Don't Understand" is now a parent completely makes up for it." "Oh, man." "We don't though, do we?" " What's that?" " Understand." "I mean, these kids today." "From the door, man, they got it all over us." "My daughter has it all over me, I can tell you that." "Yeah, my middle one, my son?" "Every time I walk out of the house in the morning he says, "Daddy, how far you love me?"" "I always pick somewhere close." ""l love you to that table, man."" ""No, you don't." "You love me all the way to the moon and back down to the dirt."" "That's great." "It take everything I got to walk out of that house." "You get to spend time with them on the set though, right?" "Yeah." "But if I was a smart man, I wouldn't be sittin' here right now." "I'd be at home playing in the dirt with my kids." "But we all know that I'm not famous 'cause of my brains." "It's 'cause I'm, like, strikingly handsome, crazy sexy." "And I'm, like, hung like it's ridiculous." "Oh, man." "But I'm definitely not the sharpest spoon in the shed." "You know..." " It was really nice talking to you." " You too, man." " You out?" " I'm out." "You recommend these guys?" "Only guy I can recommend is named Arthur Brickman." "Other than that, I can't vouch for anybody." "Hold on." "You Brickman?" "No." "I'm just a guy who'd rather play in the dirt with his kid." " Toby!" " Coming!" "'Scuse me" " Ale there" " Right, mum" "Quick now" "God, that's good" "You want some rouge, or should I just pinch your cheeks?" "Pinch my cheeks, kids' show or not, I'll put you through the wall." "I'd like to welcome everyone to Saint Maria Goretti's" "Student/Family Fall Pageant." "This is a celebration of your children and their talents, so we hope you enjoy the show." "Our first act is first-grader Cynthia Bodnar and her mother Jane, performing the song "Memory" from the Broadway show Cats." "And now Tracy Colelli, from Sister Ann's kindergarten class, will perform with her parents "Memory" from Cats." "And now, first-grader Martin Tobias and his mother will perform..." "Oh, boy, this is a popular song." "..."Memory" from Cats." "You gotta be kidding me." "You couldn't make it easy on me, could you, Gert?" "Honey, it's gonna be OK." "You're next, Gertie." "Break a leg." "And now, we have something not from Cats." "Thank God." "First-grader Gertrude Trinke and her father, Oliver, will be..." "Just my grandfather." "I'm sorry." "First-grader Gertrude Trinke and her grandfather will be performing what I can only assume is a hymn, entitled "God, That's Good", from the musical Sweeney Todd." "Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention, please?" "Are your nostrils aquiver and tingling as well" "At that delicate, luscious, ambrosial smell?" "Yes, they are, I can tell" "Well, ladies and gentlemen, that aroma enriching the breeze" "Is like nothing compared to its succulent source" "As the gourmets among you will tell you, of course" "Ladies and gentlemen, you can't imagine the rapture and star" "Just inside of this door" "There you'll sample Mrs Lovett's meat pies" "Savoury and sweet pies, as you see" "You who eats pies Mrs Lovett's meat pies" "Conjure up the treat pies used to be" " Toby!" " Coming!" "'Scuse me" " Ale there" " Right, mum" " Quick now" " God, that's good" "Nice to see you, dearie" "How have you been keeping?" "Cor, me bones is weary Toby!" "One for the gentleman" "Hear the birdies cheeping?" "Helps to keep it cheery" "Toby!" "Throw the old woman out" "God, that's good" "What's your budget, dearie?" "No, we don't cut slices" "Take this off." "...me prices I'm a little leery" "Business couldn't be better, though" "God, that's good" "Knock on wood" "Excuse me" "Dear, see to the customers" "Yes, what, love?" " Quick now" " Me heart's a-flutter" " When I pound the floor" " When you pound the floor" "It's a signal to show that I'm ready to go" " When I pound the floor" " When you pound the floor" " Will you trust me?" " I just want to be sure" "When I'm certain that you're in place I'll pound three times" "Three times" "And then you" "Three times" "If you..." "Exactly" " More hot pies!" " God!" " More hot!" " Right!" "More pies!" "More!" "Wait" "God, that's good" "Shit." " I love you, Daddy." " I love you too." "I love you so much." " You were great." " You too." "You guys were great." "Oh, God." "Gertie, come dance with me." " Bye, Uncle Greenie." "Bye, Uncle Block." " Bye, sweetheart." " I'm startin' to like show business." " Yeah." "Well, don't get caught up in the glory." "Tomorrow you're on shithouse duty." "You know, sometimes I just wanna..." "I'm so tired of being your little geisha." "You had me worried there for a minute." "Yeah, who knew all those years you were nursing a case of stage fright." "Not about that, smart ass." "About the other thing." " About moving away." " Come on, Dad." "Don't you wanna live alone again?" "Not as much as I don't wanna die alone." "We're not going anywhere, Pop." "You wanna go over there and cheer up your pop?" "He's devastated about missing his big singing debut." "Pop." "Hey, Princess." "Look at you." "Mr Big Hero of the Night." "Yeah, well, it might take me longer than some, but I..." "May I?" "OK." "I like to think I come around eventually." "Well, you showing up when you did like that?" "That was just about the most romantic thing I've ever seen." "Honestly." "Well, stick around." "It may get even more romantic than that." " Really?" " Yeah." "See?" "How was that for romance?" "I'll think about it." "Do that." "Ollie Trinke..." "Your kid's cuttin' a rug with that Maya." "The sun even shines on a dog's ass some days." "You getting a dog?" "Maya?" " Can I dance with my dad now?" " If you must." "Don't let him go, though, Gert." "He's one of a kind." "I know." "Come here." " You wanna dance?" " So, no city?" " No." "No city." " We're staying here with Pop?" "God help us, yes, we're staying with Pop." " And you're taking me to see Cats?" " Nice try, but no." " Thank you, Daddy." " Anything for you, Gert." " You know why?" " Why?" "'Cause you're the only thing I was ever really good at."