"MAN:" "The following story is based on actual events..." "(ALARM RINGS)" "(CHATTERS)" "What's up?" "Animal Planet." "Man, I just had the craziest dream." " About what?" " I don't remember." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Morning, guys." "Morning, Gene." "(GENE URINATES)" "What did we do last night?" "I don't know." "Wait." "Didn't the twins have a party?" "Yeah, that's it." "Twins had a party." " Right." " Right." "Were we there?" "I'm assuming we were." "What kind of boyfriends would we be if we weren't?" "Did I get any messages?" "Nope." "See you tomorrow, Gene." "GENE:" "Shibby." "How do you know Gene?" "Oh, I thought he was your friend." "No, no, I don't know him." "CHESTER:" "I'm starving." " It's pudding." " I always wondered what a fridge full of pudding would look like." "Is it possible that we got so wasted last night we bought a lifetime supply of pudding and then forgot about it?" "I'd say it's entirely possible." "(PHONE RINGS)" "JESSE ON MACHINE:" "Jesse." "CHESTER:" "And Chester are shibby." "JESSE:" "Please leave your shibby at the beep." "Shibby." "WOMAN 1:" "What happened last night?" "You show up  with a bunch of people, pizzas and a keg." "Our house is trashed." "WOMAN 2:" "You're sucky boyfriends." "Always disappointing us." "WOMAN 1:" "Now you're probably on the couch in your underwear." "WOMAN 2:" "Playing thumb wars." "Wearing those Army helmets." "WOMAN 1:" "And if you are, you've probably forgotten our anniversary." "BOTH:" "Which is today." "WOMAN 2:" "You don 't get the special treats we had for you." "Just wanted to thank you guys for trashing our house." "BOTH:" "Bye!" "Twins sound pissed." " Good thing we already got them gifts." " Yeah." "So where are the gifts?" " They must be in your car." " They're in the car." "So we'll just take the gifts to the twins' house get our special treats." "Hey, what do you think they mean by special treats?" "We've been going out with them for a year now." "And we still haven't had sex." ""Special treats" is code for sex." "Of course." " Special treats!" " Sex." "MAN:" "Open up, you slackers!" "Mr. Pizzacoli!" "You left work last night with 30 pizzas that didn't get delivered!" "I want some answers!" "Open up this damn door!" "It's open." "JESSE:" "Moron!" "CHESTER:" "What?" "I'm sorry." "(KNOCKING)" "Hey." "Mr. Pizzacoli." " Hi, how you doing?" " 30 pizzas didn't get delivered!" "If I found out you was taking my pizza home to eat yourselves I will crush you like a doodlebug!" " Look, it's an elephant!" " What?" "(CAT SCREECHES)" " Guess it was just a mailman." " You two are the most irresponsible and disappointing employees ever to work at Mr. Pizzacoli's Pronto Pizza Delivery!" "A trained dolphin could do a better job than you!" "Well, sure, but then the pizzas would get all wet." "Look, a unicorn!" "(GLASS BREAKS)" "A unicorn?" "Sorry, I guess it was just a regular horse." "Weird!" "You've been embezzling my pizza." "And I will catch you eventually." "And when I do, I swear to God, you will never deliver pizzas in this town again!" " Close one." " Yeah." "We'll go to the twins' house." "We'll give them their gifts and apologize for trashing the house." "And then we get our special treats." "Dude, where's my car?" "Where's your car, dude?" "JESSE:" "Dude, where's my car?" "CHESTER:" "Where's your car, dude?" "Dude, where's my car?" "Where's your car, dude?" " Did I drive last night?" " Yeah, I think so." " Really?" " I'm not sure." " Dude, where's your car?" " Dude, it's not funny." "It's gone." " Yeah." " Dude, where's my car?" "Shut up, dude!" "Okay." "Okay, look." "You're right." "What we need to do is get into the state of mind we were in last night." "That way, we can retrace our steps." " Yeah." " Sense Memory Simulated Perception AItered Consciousness Memory Retrieval." "Discovery Channel." "Nice." " Nelson's?" " Shibby." " I'm sick of walking, dude." " Me too." "Hey, it's Mrs. Crabbleman." "She'll give us a ride." "Hey, Mrs. Crabbleman!" "Hey!" "Hey!" "Mrs. Crabbleman." "Fucking stoners." "She must not have recognized you." " It's the Binglemans." " Oh, hey." "Mr. Bingleman!" "Hey, Mr. Bingleman." " Maybe we should just walk." " Yeah." "JESSE:" "Listen, Nelson, the car is gone and we need to do this sense memory thing so we can get back in the state of mind we were in last night." "Deep in your consciousness, you must look." "Concentrate on the knowledge inside, you must." "Aha!" "Your eyes, you must close." "And you take it to the mo." "Mo..." "Whoops." "(NELSON CHANTS)" "Concentrating, you're not." "Sorry." " Is your dog dead?" " He's not dead." "Come here, Jackal." "Come here, boy." " I don't think he's coming." " Maybe he's deaf." "Deaf, he is not, dude." "Come here, Jackal." " Come here, Jackal." " Does he know any other tricks besides not moving?" "All right, you want to see a trick, man?" "Hey, Jackal." "Bite down, killer." "Here comes the fun." "All right." "Good boy, Jackal." "Good boy." "Breathe deep." "There you go." " Dude, your dog's a stoner." " Can he also bong a beer?" "Nah, pretty much all he does is lie around and smoke his pipe." "CHESTER:" "Jackal, can I see your pipe?" "Oh, no, don't!" "Very protective, he is of his pipe." "When other people touch it, he does not like." "Sorry, Jackal." "NELSON:" "Yeah, see?" "He's sorry." "Holy crap." " That's one psycho dog, dude." " You know what we should do now?" " Eat?" " No." "Eat." "Choice excellent, my friend." "I'll get the keys." "JESSE:" "Hey, Nelson." "Let me order." "WOMAN:" ""Chinese Foooood." May I help you?" " I'd like to place an order." " What you like?" "Yeah, I'd like three orders of garlic chicken." " And then?" " And then three orders of white rice." " And then?" " And then..." " Hey, you guys want soup?" " Sure." " Yeah." "Three orders of won ton soup." " And then?" " Oh, some fortune cookies too." " And then?" "That's about it." "And then?" "No, that's it." " And then?" " No "and then."" "L..." "That's all I want." "And then?" "And then..." "And then nothing else, because I'm done ordering." "Okay?" "And then?" "See, all I want is the three orders of the garlic chicken and the white rice." "And then?" " And the soup, dude." " Oh, and the won ton soup." " And then?" " And the cookies, fortune." "And the fortune cookies." "So it's just the chicken, the rice the soup and the fortune cookies, and that's it." "And then?" "And then you can put it in a brown paper bag and put it in my hand, because I'm ready to eat." "And then?" "I refuse to play your Chinese food mind games." " And then?" " No!" "No "and then"!" " And then?" " No "and then"!" " And then?" " No "and then"!" " And then?" " No!" "No "and then"!" " And then?" " You're starting to piss me off, lady." " And then?" " And then I'm gonna come in there and put my foot in your ass if you say "and then" again!" "And then and then and then and then and then..." "And then?" "Come on, Nelson, just help us find my car." "You didn't have to go all "egg roll" on that speaker box." "I'm not the one that called the Dalai Lama a fag." " I was just kidding around." " Well, Nelson didn't appreciate it." "Look, it's Christie Boner." "Wow!" "The hottest of the hot." "El fuego of all that is el fuego." " Did she just wave at us?" " No way." "She would never wave at us." "Then why did she just wave at us?" "I don't know." "Maybe she thinks we're other people." "People she waves to." "Hi, Chester." "Hi." "Hi, Jesse." "I had a really good time with you last night." " Me too." " That was some crazy party." " Hey, have you seen my car?" " Well, I saw it last night." "I mean, I saw the back seat." " I mean the whole thing." " Get another one with all the money you were throwing around." " Money?" "Yeah." "You had that really nice suitcase full of money." " A suitcase full of money?" " Don't you remember giving me $500 to show you my hoo-hoos?" " $500?" " Hoo-hoos?" "You mean, you don't remember anything?" "How about now?" "No." "How about now?" "I'm a little bit fuzzy too." "Maybe if I could get a little refresher course." " All right." " Go." " Are these losers bothering you?" " No, Tommy." "Guys like you could never score with a chick like this." " Stick to your own kind." " Don't be such a jerk." "Next time you guys bother my girlfriend stoner-bashing time." " Oh, yeah?" "Yeah." " Okay." " Consider this your warning." "Later, dudes!" "CHESTER:" "Dude, you touched Christie Boner's hoo-hoo." "Shibby!" "Low-five." "CHESTER:" "Yeah." "JESSE:" "Let's get out of here." "Chester!" "Dude, that Christie Boner is super hot." "Where did we get a suitcase full of money?" "Why don't we have it now?" "Maybe we deposited it in a Swiss bank account." "Now, if we had a ridiculous sum of money, where would we go?" "Dude." "Sweet!" "No way we were here last night." "We'd never fit in at a place like this." "Look everyone!" "It's Mr. Jesse and Mr. Chester!" "Look at the toggles on that kitten." "Good afternoon, Jesse, Chester." "How are we feeling today?" "A little fuzzy." "Hi, Chester." "Hi, Jesse." "Did you guys enjoy yourselves last night?" " Have we met?" " It's me, Tania." "Remember last night when I gave you that super-special, slippery-wet lapdance?" "Of course." "How can I forget?" "You want to do it again?" "This time, it's on me." "If you say so." "Didn't I get a special lapdance?" "Did you ever." "Sweet!" "Sweet!" "So just how super-special can a slippery lapdance be?" "What the hell were you thinking, throwing around my money like that?" " You're a..." " I'm a gender-challenged male." "What does that mean?" "Oh, dude, you're a dude!" "That's..." "You..." "Last night, I had you sneak a suitcase of stolen money out of here." " Stolen money?" " $200,000." "$200,000!" "I gave you the case and left." "We were supposed to meet." "But you never showed up!" "Where's that suitcase?" " I don't know." " You don't know?" " Where's that suitcase?" " It's in my car." "Then get it." "Fast." "Or else you'll be singing soprano." "Dude." "Dude, dude!" " We gotta go." " Are you crazy?" "I'm with breakdancing strippers." "Seriously, dude, this is an emergency." "So is this, dude." "It's a breakdancing stripper emergency." " Goodbye!" "WOMEN:" "Bye, Chester!" "I love you!" "We were supposed to meet her with the suitcase, but we didn't show up." "Sounds like us." "How wasted were we last night?" "I touched Christie's hoo-hoo, we're on the hook for $200,000 that belongs to a transsexual stripper, and my car's gone." " I'd say we were pretty wasted." " We really need to find your car." "Okay, let's see." "The last place we remember being last night was..." "The twins'." "But we can't show up without the anniversary gifts." "I got it!" "We'll get them a little something for now." "When we find the car, we'll give them the real gifts." "That's a dollar thirty-nine." " I don't know." " Trust me." " It'll be totally cool." "Let's go." " Okay." "We are so dead." "I roger that." "(DOORBELL RINGS)" "WANDA:" "We've been cleaning all day." "WILMA:" "What do you guys have to say?" "Happy anniversary." "We ate the dark ones." "We know you guys don't like those." "Dark ones are the only ones we do like." "Oh, yeah." "But you could use the box to keep..." "You keep ribbons." " You guys forgot our anniversary." "JESSE:" "No, of course not." "No, we got you guys great gifts." "We just had some car trouble." "We came over here as soon as we could to help you guys clean up but..." "Oh, no." "It looks like you're already done." "All we have to do is take out the trash." "Guess they haven't been outside yet." "You know what?" "We'll take out the trash." "You guys go and take a nice hot bath." "Yeah." "You deserve it after all this hard work." "Pamper yourselves." "Just don't make a mess." "Slow and steady, good buddy." "10-4." " You're tilting." " Sorry." " Why are you tilting?" " You gave me the heavy end." " Let it go, man." " No, we can get it." "No." "Let it go." "We're not leaving it behind." "Okay." " I'll take my shoe off." " Okay." "Watch it." "Stop pushing!" "Watch it!" "Careful." "Careful." " Are we cool?" "Are we cool?" " We're still cool." "Now, take your shoe off, and you get it." " Okay." " Get it." "That's it, that's it." "I got it!" "Oh, my God!" "You can't do anything right." "Why do you have to mess everything up?" " I got three words:" "Anger management." " Yeah!" "Dude, we really need to find your car." "JESSE:" "Hey!" "CHESTER:" "Ow!" "Sorry about yanking you off the street like that." " We really need to talk to you." " Who are you guys?" "My name is Zarnoff." "This is Zabu, Zellner, Zilbor, Zelmina and Jeff." " Hey." "More specifically, we are the recipients of instructions from extraterrestrials regarding the interstellar path to outer space." "JEFF:" "Go ahead and laugh." "We are used to being mocked." "Okay." "We have been sent by our wise and powerful leader Zoltan to find you and recover the continuum transfunctioner." "Hey, have you guys ever been to Uranus?" "It's supposed to be nice this time of year." "This is important." "We intercepted an interstellar message that leads us to believe that last night you were in possession of the continuum transfunctioner." "Where is it now?" " The who what?" " The continuum transfunctioner is a very mysterious and powerful device." " And?" " And its mystery is exceeded only by its power." "Sorry, we don't remember a thing about last night." "You must be careful." "Danger follows the continuum transfunctioner." "So says..." " Zoltan." " Zoltan." "I'll tell you what." "We'll keep our eyes out for the continual trans-ding-a-ling thing and if we see it, we'll give you a call." "Yes." "You must." "But remember, you are in great danger." "Trust no one." "Except for us." "Thank you, Jeff." "Good point." "Trust no one, except for us." "Zoltan." "Wait a second." "Let's recap." "Last night, we lost my car we accepted stolen money from a transsexual stripper and now some space nerds want us to find something we can't pronounce." "Maybe we should cut back on the shibbying." " Thanks, dude." "MAN:" "Oh, good!" "You're right on time." "You pick up special suits." "Mr. Lee, tailor, make special suits for you." "Come on." " Dude, you got a tattoo!" " What?" " So did you, dude." " Naw." " Dude, what does my tattoo say?" " "Sweet"!" " What about mine?" " "Dude." What does mine say?" ""Sweet."" " What about mine?" " "Dude."" " What does mine say?" " "Sweet"!" " What about mine?" " "Dude." And mine?" ""Sweet." What about mine?" ""Dude." What does mine say?" ""Sweet"!" "What about mine?" ""Dude." What does mine say?" ""Sweet"!" "What about mine?" ""Dude"!" "What does mine say?" ""Sweet"!" "Idiots!" "(SPEAKS IN CHINESE)" "Your tattoo says "dude," your tattoo says "sweet."" "Got it?" "Sorry." " Hey." " Hey." " Sorry." " Sorry." " Shibby." " Very sharp, very sharp." "You two number one, extra-special good-Iooking guys." " We got these last night?" " You were pretty..." " How much are these?" " You already pay for." "I just do some minor alterations." "Add the secret pockets you order." "Maybe we got the continual trans-sphincter." "What's...?" "Oh, dude!" "Dude!" "Sweet!" "(BIRD SMACKS WINDOW)" "Cool!" " How did we pay for these suits?" " Oh, you pay cash." "Cold hard cash, crispy new hundred-dollar bills." "Hey, did you see what car we were driving?" "Me?" "No, I don't see no car." "(PHONE RINGS)" "Hello?" "Dude, we bought cell phones." "That's not all we bought, dude." "(YOUNG MC'S "BUST A MOVE" PLAYS)" "Shibby!" "(REVS ENGINE)" "(REVS ENGINE)" "Man, I cannot believe we leased a car last night." "God!" " But who's Johnny Potsmoker?" " That's my alter ego." "I thought that was my alter ego." "No, that's my alter ego." " Your alter ego is Smokey McPot." " Oh, yeah." "You're never gonna figure that out." "(WATCH BEEPS)" "Okay, dude." "There it is." "Break time's over." "Time to find my car." "This is impossible." "CHICK 1:" "Are you Jesse and Chester?" "Huh?" "Are you Jesse and Chester?" "I don't know." "Why?" "If you are Jesse and Chester perhaps we will give you erotic pleasure." " That's us." " Right here." "We are looking for the continuum transfunctioner." " Who are you guys?" " We are not guys." "We are hot chicks." "She's totally right." "CHICK 2:" "The continuum transfunctioner is a very mysterious and powerful device." " And?" " And its mystery is only exceeded by its power." "That doesn't really help." "We will give you pleasure now, if you give us the continuum transfunctioner." "Let me get your proposition straight." "First you give us the pleasure, then we give you the continuum transfunctioner?" "No." "First you give us the continuum transfunctioner then we give you the pleasure." "I've heard that one before." "Okay, look." "How about this?" "You give me pleasure then we'll give you the continuum transfunctioner." " Lf there's time, you do him." " Dude..." " Deal." " Sweet!" " Wait a second." " Thank you." "Come here." "Those space nerds told us not to trust anybody." "Yeah, but for the love of God, they're offering us oral pleasure!" "What...?" " Okay." " Okay." "Hey." "Where did the hot chicks go?" "Where's my money, boys?" "We were just going to get it." "You picked the wrong transsexual stripper to screw with." "CHESTER:" "You're pinching me." "Well, let's see what the cops have to say about this." " You're busted." " Busted." " B-U-S-T, busted." " This one." " These guys." " Chester!" "I saw this on COPS!" " Kick hard and hit back!" " Bye-bye, boys." "CHESTER:" "Put on the siren." "You're sticking to the "I don't remember" crap." "Yeah." "We don't remember." "Last night, your car was spotted leaving the scene of a major drug deal." " You found my car." "You guys got more important things to worry about right now." "Where were you between midnight and 2 a.m. Last night?" "I told you, okay?" "We don't remember anything." "I see we're gonna have to do this the hard way." "Where were you last night between the hours of midnight and 2 a.m.?" "We don't know." "What the...?" " Now do you remember?" " No." " How about now?" " No." "Hey, leave him alone!" "He doesn't know anything!" " Now are you ready to talk?" " Dude, we don't remember!" "Okay, here are the whips you guys wanted." "Hey, it's the donut guys." "These two were at the Donut House last night." "We started talking and they bought donuts for the whole precinct." "What time did all this happen?" "Let's see." "Must've been between midnight and 2 a.m." "Damn!" "You can't be the guys we're looking for." "Sorry." "Hang in there, bro." " Come on, Kojak." " All right." "I'm really sorry about all this." "Looks like it was a case of mistaken identity." "Actually, those are the real criminals over there." "One of our officers made a wrong identification." " Yeah, that was me." "I'm sorry about that, fellas." "Rick will tell you exactly where your car is." " We found the car." " We found the car." "We found the car!" " Yeah, we found the car." " Found my car." "Now we get the gifts, go to the twins' house, and get our special treats." "Sweet!" "Give us the keys and we're out of here." "You got it." "Oh, boy." "Oh, boy." "What's the problem, Rick?" "Nothing, I just..." "Boy." "Okay." "Jeez." "Did you say you wanted your car back, or you wanted it impounded?" "We want the car back, please." "Oh, I see." "That's kind of funny, because what happened was I accidentally sent your car to the impound." " Rick." "RICK:" "I know." "I can definitely tell you this." "You guys can get the car back in a few days." "We don't have a few days, Rick." "We need the car back now." "Say, how about a treat?" "There's Bavarian cream." " Yeah." " That's a good one there." " It's good." " It's great." "I have a lot of them." " You know what?" "Forget about it." " Okay." " Psych!" " Oh, jeez." "You got me." "Hey, fellows, who's the goose?" "Me." "You're such a joker." "PIZZACOLl:" "One." " Damn!" "CHICK 1:" "Where are Jesse and Chester?" " What?" " We're looking for Jesse and Chester." "I don't know where they are but I bet those punks over there do." "So then, remember?" "I said, "Later, dudes."" " Why were you with those jerks anyway?" " They were just being nice unlike someone I know." "Maybe it's time I find someone with a sensitive side." "Someone who respects me as a person." "Maybe somebody like Jesse or Chester." "Okay, listen up." "We're gonna find Jesse and Chester." "And when we do, stoner-bashing time!" "CHICK 1:" "Do you know Jesse and Chester?" " Who are you?" " We are hot chicks." " Yes, you are." "We believe they have the continuum transfunctioner." "However, if you recover the continuum transfunctioner from them and bring it to us, we will give you erotic pleasure." "You've got yourselves a deal." "Okay, guys." "Okay, guys, new plan." "First, we find those stoners, get the continuum transfunctioner then, it's jerk-bashing time." " Yeah!" "Oh, yeah." "I just remembered where you might be able to find them." "TOMMY:" "Send those chicks to meet the twins." "That'll put those dudes in some hot water." "(BEEPING)" "Try it again." "Okay?" "Just knock it out of the park." "All right, give it a shot." "Okay, you almost got it." "Now just concentrate on the beep, swing as hard as you can and keep your ear on the ball." "Okay?" "All right, little buddy, you can do it!" "(PAGER BEEPS)" "I did it!" "I did it!" "I hit it!" "I did it!" "CHICK 1:" "Do you know Jesse and Chester?" " Pardon me?" " We're looking for Jesse and Chester." " Who are you?" "We're extremely hot chicks with big breasts." "Really?" "Can I touch your face?" "It's the only way I can see who I'm talking to." " Okay." "Wow!" "You are hot." "Is this normal?" "Oh, yeah." "This is how blind people shake hands." " Sammy, you're up next." " Okay..." " Come on." " What the...?" "Sis!" "Excuse me, a little help." "Wanda." "Wilma." " Anthony?" " Anthony, what is going on?" "Nothing." "I was just reading." "Bye, ladies, I need to be alone now." " We're looking for Jesse and Chester." " Who are you guys?" "We are not guys." "We are hot chicks." "We're supposed to meet them later, but we can't wait." " We don't know where they are." " And frankly, we don't care." "JESSE:" "Dude, let's call Nelson." "CHESTER:" "Yeah." "See if he's home." "(PHONE RINGS)" " Hello?" " Hey, Nelson, it's Chester." "Hey, Chester!" "No, it's me, Tommy." "Your buddy Nelson is busy at the moment." "This is bad karma, boys." "Hey, tell me where that continuum transfunctioner is." "No hablo English." "Your friend's dead meat unless I get that continuum transfunctioner." "NELSON:" "Jackal!" "Get your pipe!" " My balls!" " What was that?" "Tommy's gotten to Nelson!" "He knows about the continuum transfunctioner." "Those double-crossing sexy, sexy sluts!" "I am so sick of hearing about this continuum transfunctioner thing." " Lf one more person asks..." " You got the continuum transfunctioner?" "Who are you guys?" "We are the keepers of the continuum transfunctioner." "It is all that stands between the universe and destruction." "It is a mysterious and powerful device." "And its mystery is only exceeded by its power." " We know." " We don't have it." "But the universe?" "Screw the universe." "Screw the universe?" "WOMAN:" "Chimpanzees often use sticks as crude tools." "JESSE:" "That is one smart primate." "(KNOCKING)" " Hey." " Hey." "JESSE:" "What are you doing here?" "We just wanted to see how that car trouble thing was going." "Oh, the car." "It's in the shop." "WILMA:" "Really?" "The shop run by beautiful women in black jumpsuits?" "The ones you were hanging with earlier?" " Well, you see, Jesse thought..." "WANDA:" "Today's our anniversary." " Not only do you not have gifts." "WILMA:" "But you guys ditch us for some big-breasted bimbos while we're cleaning our house..." "WILMA:" "Which you trashed." "Twice." " You're sucky boyfriends." " But..." "We just wanted to come and tell you in person that it's over." " Wilma?" " Thank you, Wanda." " They're totally right." " Yeah." "We are sucky boyfriends." "Do you even remember what kind of gifts we got them?" " I bet we got them sucky gifts." " Yeah." "We suck." "Wait, I just got a really bad feeling in the pit of my stomach." "You should go sit on the toilet." "No, no." "You know what the feeling is?" "It's love." " Is that what that is?" " Yeah." "I'm in love with Wanda." "And you're in love with Wilma." "But see, now that we know that we've been sucky boyfriends, we can change." " We can?" " Yeah." "And you know what else?" "I'll bet you that we did buy them super-cool anniversary gifts." "You know why?" "Because we love them." "Are they wrapped in cool paper?" "Yeah." "I'll tell you what we'll do." "We'll go to the impound lot, get the car, which has the gifts in it and then go to the twins' house, and beg for them to take us back!" "Yeah!" "Let's do it." "No, hold on." "I gotta take a crap." " Told you." " I know." "I know your body." "Boys, I got some good news." "We just got your car in this morning." "All right!" "But the bad news is not only did Officer Boyer send your car to the impound he tagged it for auction and it was sold this afternoon." "Rick." " Do you know who bought the car?" " I have the address right here." "All right." "But it'd be against Regulation 457XY2-665 to give it to you." "Come on." "Just..." "Reaching onto this side of the counter isn't allowed." "The last guy who tried it ended up with three broken fingers." " Reach it." " You can reach it!" "No, I got..." "One of these has carpal tunnel." "What if I further injure myself?" "I have to do everything." "I'm a better lookout." "My vision's better." "You know that." "That's it, that's it." " Got it!" " We're good, we're good." " What are you doing?" " Dude, I'm stuck!" " Come on." "I'm stuck." " You seriously stuck?" "Don't!" "Dude, here she comes!" "Help!" "Get it!" "Hold on, hold on." "I gotta get..." "Okay, okay." " I got it, I got it." " Help me!" "We'll spit on it." "You know, lubrication." " That's gross, dude!" " Okay, fine." " Here she comes." " Spit!" "Spit!" "Good news." "I talked to my supervisor and he said I could give you the address after all." " That's great." "But the bad news is I'm gonna have to confiscate your pinky." " All right, next stop, find my car." " Good." "Hey, check it out." "Totally gay Nordic dudes at 3:00." "Wait." "I got an idea." "We just ask for the continuum transfunctioner?" " Yeah." "It's that easy." " Thank you both very much." " Hey, don't mention it." " See you around the galaxy, dudes." "Time to get your car." "The creepy space nerds are back, dude." "Dude, do not worry about them." "Yeah, they're totally harmless." "Now may I have the continuum transfunctioner?" "Not quite yet." "Would you consider giving it to me while I continue to give you pleasure?" "Okay." "JESSE:" "Wake up, dude." " Oral pleasure?" "What?" "Nothing." "Get dressed." "We're going to the big house." "Nice outfits." "They're not outfits." "They're interstellar jumpsuits." " Hey." "Nice interstellar jumpsuits." " Yeah." "JESSE:" "Wow!" "Nice place." "Is this where Zoltan...?" " Is this where Zoltan hangs out?" "MAN:" "No." "This is his parents' house." "We're going over there." "CHESTER:" "A barn?" "JESSE:" "Is it red?" "CHESTER:" "No." "JESSE:" "Then it's not a barn!" " This is creepy." " It's like a country music video." "All right, that's far enough." "You, there." "You, over there." "No messing around." "Okay, do you remember which one it is?" "Psst." " Here, let me show you." " I'll do it." " It's that one." " Hey, grab the..." "Keys." "Grab the fire extinguisher and bonk those dudes on the head." "You want the fire extinguisher?" " Enough!" " No, no, it's that one." "Fudge!" "Cool." "What, are you deaf?" "Hey, you don't have to be mean." "How are we gonna get out of here?" "(POPPING)" "ANNOUNCER:" "Your attention, please." "Our imperial commander, Zoltan  requests your presence in the officentary rec room  for a Level 7 meeting." "Over." "ZARNOFF:" "It is now my great pleasure to present to you our wise and powerful leader Zoltan." " Zoltan." "Zoltan." "The time has come, you guys." "We are finally going to fulfill our prophecy of outer space travel." "Zoltan." "They laughed at us when we said aliens existed." "They mocked us when we wore bubble-wrap jumpsuits." "But who's laughing now, huh?" "I'll tell you who's laughing." "We are!" "Zoltan." "Soon we will leave this lame planet and fly through outer space with cool aliens who like us." "It is going to be awesome!" "Zoltan!" "That's them!" "They knocked us out and stole our space suits!" " No, we didn't." " Yeah, you did!" " No, we didn't." " Yes, you did!" " No, we didn't." " Yes, you did!" "Hey, who you gonna believe, us or them?" "So you're Jesse and Chester." "I've been looking forward to meeting you guys although, sorry it had to be like this." " Chester!" " Jesse!" " Wanda." " Wilma!" "Normally, we wouldn't resort to violence but we are dealing with the continuum transfunctioner." "If you don't deliver it to us, your girlfriends are history." "Don't worry, girls." "We'll save you." "Yeah, you can depend on us." "Enough." "Go now, and bring us the continuum transfunctioner." "And be quiet on your way out." "My parents are taking a nap." "And then tell us where the continuum transfunctioner is." " And then?" " And then we'll be able to go get it." " And then?" "Can I get an order of shrimp fried rice?" "JESSE:" "I don't see the car." "CHESTER:" "It better be in there." "I almost lost my pinky for it." "JESSE:" "Oh, man, I'm sensing something very Canadian about this place." "Plan B." "All right." "Are you ready?" "Let's do this." "One, two, three." "JESSE:" "I'm okay." "You okay?" "Shibby." "(BIRD SQUAWKS)" "(BIRD SQUAWKS)" "Dude, it's a llama." "It's not a llama." "It's an ostrich." "Okay, okay, okay very slowly, let's turn around and go back the other way." " Okay." "New plan." "We turn around again, very slowly and go back the other way." " Okay." "They're everywhere." "What now?" "Hey, I saw this thing about ostriches on Animal Planet." " They're llamas, dude." " No." "What you're supposed to do is stand very still and eventually, they'll get bored and go away." "I think it's working." "Stupid llamas!" "Chester!" "Just get in this car!" "Go, go!" "What do ostriches eat?" " Why?" " Well if they eat peanuts we can just throw a peanut and they'll go away." " We don't have any peanuts." " Weak!" "We're screwed!" "They're leaving." "It worked." "What worked?" "Whatever we did!" "CHICK 1:" "Now may I have the continuum transfunctioner?" "Not quite yet." "Please?" "Scary dream, huh?" "What's up?" "My name is Mark." " Where are we?" " You're in the punishment room." "This is where he likes to keep the ostrich poachers." " Poachers?" " Yeah, that's right." "I've been in this cage for three years, five months, and 17 days but who's counting?" "How's my breath?" "That bad, huh?" "Where you guys from?" "I'm from Connecticut." "Hi." "Mark." "There we go." "Chester!" "Get him off!" "Pierre!" "No, that's not what it looks like." "Maybe a little bit." " How was your nap?" "WITH FRENCH ACCENT:" "Shut up!" "Okay." "Well, somebody sure is a Grumpy Gus today." "In France, when a man is caught poaching ostriches we shave his head, and we make him run through the fields." "Oh, God, that's the good part." "Once you have seen this you are never quite the same." " Okay." " Tell me about it." "I used to model." "Lucky for you, I am an honorable man." "A what?" "I'm sorry?" "I said, "I am an honorable man."" "I'm sorry, I..."Honorgable"?" " Honorable." " "Honorgable."" " Honorable." " "Honorgable."" " What are you saying?" " Honorable." "I think you're trying to say honorable." " Shut up!" " Hey!" "I'm sorry." "All right, here it is." "I am going to ask you a question." "If you get it right, I will set you free." "If you get it wrong, well, you will be spending a lot of time with the ever-popular Mark." "I can be very nice." "All right." "Here it is." "What is the average running speed of a full-grown male African ostrich?" "Pass." " Pass to me." "I know it." " Pass to Mark." "You cannot pass!" "Shut up!" "Do I have to hose you down again?" "Don't hose me!" "Maybe later." " Dude, we're dead." " Hey, not so fast." "The full-grown male African ostrich or the Latin Struthio camelus can grow to an average size of 6 feet, 6 inches and weigh from 225 to 350 pounds and can get up to an average speed of 27 miles per hour." "This is absolutely correct!" "Animal Planet." "Well, I said, "Brown."" "Here, let me get you out of this stinking cage." "Oh, please forgive me." "Can I get you guys some beers?" "I'd like a near beer, please." "Shut up!" "We just came about the car you bought today." "We wanted to get some stuff out." "No problem." "Right this way." " It was nice meeting you guys." " Good luck with the modeling thing." "You e-mail me, okay?" "FreaklnCage." "Com." "Sacre bleu, the car was here this afternoon." "It..." "It..." "It just disappear!" " How do you just lose a car?" " I'm so sorry, you guys." " I feel terrible." " All right, Pierre, just focus here." "Was there anything in the car?" "No, nothing." "Except, of course, for this." "JESSE:" "Dude!" "Dude, I'm having my next birthday party here for sure." "Yeah, me too." "Cool." "Excuse me." "Can you tell me where locker 206 is?" "Yeah, it's right over there." "It's you guys!" "Dude, you guys played an amazing round of putt-putt last night." " We did?" " Oh, yeah." " Thanks, dude." " Shibby." "Here it is." " I sure hope my money's in there." " Yep." " Who are you?" " This is my boyfriend, Patty." "Nice to meet you." "How do you keep popping up?" "Less questions, more giving me my money." "Well, I guess this is it." "Yep." "The moment of truth." "It's been a long, strange trip, dude." "It sure has, Jesse." "Hey!" "I've got a plane to catch." "Okay, okay, okay." "Oh, my suitcase!" "Oh, my God!" "You guys are the best." "Thank you so much." "Thanks for your help, fella." "Good work." "Are we supposed to be grossed out by this, or...?" "I don't know." "Bye." "Look at this stuff." "Captain Stu tickets." "Awesome!" "Oh, jellybeans." "No jellybeans." "Cool straw." " I'm gonna keep this." " Yeah." "I don't see a continuum transfunctioner." "Wait a second." "What do we know about the continuum transfunctioner?" "It's a very mysterious and powerful device." "And?" "And its mystery is only exceeded by its power." "But has anyone ever said what it looks like?" "No." "They haven't." "That was Jesse and Chester." "They've got the continuum transfunctioner!" "Quick!" "To my mother's minivan!" "That was Jesse and Chester." "They've got the continuum transfunctioner." "Quick!" "To my stepdad's pickup truck!" "I'm getting the hang of this thing, dude." "Yes!" "Oh, yes!" "I finally beat you!" "You." "You're a competitor." "Oh, boy." "You got me the first nine, but not number 10." "Not gonna happen." " Final showdown time." "WILMA:" "Chester." " Jesse." " Don't worry, girls." "We're here to save the day." "Quit it." "These things are expensive." "Enough!" "Do you have the continuum transfunctioner or not?" "Right here." " Now release the girls." " First give up the transfunctioner." " First release the girls." " First give us the transfunctioner." "Same time." "Yes!" "There they are." "Okay, stoners, where's the continuum transfunctioner?" "Uh-oh." "Release dodo bird." " Tommy, you're such a jerk." "JEFF:" "Yeah." " That's our continuum transfunctioner." " Well, now it's mine." "Nerd." " Dude, let's get out of here." " Yeah." "Where is the continuum transfunctioner?" "We don't have it." "But we'd like you to meet our girlfriends, Wanda and Wilma." "We've already met." " Stay away from our boyfriends." " You fake-breasted sluts." "Okay, let's go this way." "Halt." "Where is the continuum transfunctioner?" "You want to go talk to that guy over there." "Let the pleasure begin." "That's not the continuum transfunctioner." "Of course, it is." "Follow the kids." "Come on, follow them." "Go, go, go." "Nerd-bashing time." "It's not our fault." "It was them." "PIZZACOLl:" "Looking for a Smokey McPot." "I have a delivery for a Smokey McPot." " You ordered pizza?" " I figured we'd get hungry." "Oh, no, it's you two!" "Look, I almost got it." "You're really starting to irk me with your Rubik's Cube fixation!" "Sweet!" "No wonder they're so impossible." "You've activated the continuum transfunctioner." "What's going on?" "Once all five of the dirugian crystals stop flashing the universe will be destroyed." "How do you know?" "We intercepted interstellar transmissions." " Zoltan." " Nerds." "JESSE:" "Way to go, Chester." "Sorry." "You must give it to us to deactivate it." "We are the keepers of the transfunctioner." "They will use it to destroy the universe." "No, we are the keepers of the continuum transfunctioner." " They want to destroy the universe." " Stop copying us." " Stop copying us." " Stop copying us." " Stop copying us." " Bitch." "Don't you guys remember?" "We came to this planet last night to escape the clutches of those evil space sluts." " We met you here." " You gave us a ride to our spaceship." "And we realized we'd lost the continuum transfunctioner." "Hurry, there's only three blinking lights left." "Bye-bye, universe." "He's right, dude." "We're gonna make the wrong decision." "You know what, dude?" "I refuse to let us go down in history as the dudes who destroyed the universe." "How do we find out which ones are the true keepers?" "It's simple." "We ask them a question about last night that only the ones that are telling the truth would know." "But we can't remember a thing." "Uh-oh." " You gotta hurry." " Not now, Jeff." "Zip it." "If we really did give one of you guys a ride last night then you'll know the answer to this." "Hurry!" "What score did we get on the 18th hole of the miniature golf course last night?" "You got a hole in one." "That is correct!" "Deactivation complete." "Wait." "If you guys don't remember a thing about last night..." " How do you know they told the truth?" " It's simple." "JESSE AND CHESTER:" "The pudding!" " You guys had a plan!" " And it actually worked." "For the love of God!" "Wow!" "Morphing is cool!" "JESSE:" "Whoa!" "That is one super hot giant alien!" "Just go!" " Chester!" " Jesse!" "That is amazing!" "Yeah." "Those are the biggest hoo-hoos I have ever seen." "TOMMY:" "Do you spit or swallow?" "Swallow!" "We will now use the power of the continuum transfunctioner to banish you to Hoboken, New Jersey." " What are we supposed to do now?" " I think we run, dude!" "Boy, those guys are in a hurry." " I want to go on that ride, Daddy." " Me too, son." "Me too." " What do we do with this?" " You've gotta activate the photon accelerator annihilation beam!" " The what?" " They said, "the photon accelerator annihilation beam," you fool!" "Hurry, activate it, dude!" " This is it!" " Thanks, Captain Obvious!" "I can't reach it!" "Deep in your consciousness, you must look!" "Concentrate on the knowledge inside, you must!" "Does he have to talk like that?" "I like the way he talks." "WOMAN:" "Chimpanzees often use sticks as crude tools." "I've got it!" "Oh, boy!" "We saved the universe!" "The big bitch is dead!" "PIZZACOLl:" "Damn!" "Now those are some big-ass panties." " Honey, could you give me a hand?" " No, Tommy." "I've found somebody else." "(URINATES)" "Jesse and Chester saved us." "You'll still take us to outer space with you, right?" "There is a party in the Crab Nebula." "You can come too." "Crab Nebula!" " Here you go." " Thanks for your help." " Jesse and Chester." " You've ensured the universe's safety." "Well, that's cool and all but, dude, where's my car?" "You mean you guys don't remember?" " Damn, you were wasted last night." " Now, we must eliminate knowledge of this encounter." "No." "We have so many questions we want to ask you about the universe." " Like what?" " Well..." "Have you guys ever been to Uranus?" "Nice!" "(ALARM RINGS)" " Morning, guys." " Morning, Gene." "We'll go to the twins'." " And then?" " Then we'll give them their gifts." " And then?" " We'll apologize for the house." " And then?" " We get our special treats." " And then?" " Dude, that's really annoying." "Sorry." "Dude, where's my car?" "Dude, where's my car?" "Where's your car, dude?" "Dude, there's your car." ""I heart you."" "You guys are great boyfriends." " And we have something for you too." " A very special treat." "Shibby!" "Ta-da!" "We sewed the names on ourselves." "Wow." "Put them on." "You guys look great." "In berets?" "What are these?" "More gifts." " They're beautiful." " Where did you guys get these?" "This place." " Wow." " Me first." "NORDIC DUDE: "Thanks for helping to save the universe." "Hope your girls like these gifts." "You will. "" "How wasted were we last night?" " Sweet!" " Dude!" " Is anyone hungry?" " Yeah." " I could go for Chinese food." " Sounds great." "Sweet!" "JESSE:" "My back itches, dude." "WANDA:" "Jesse, you got a tattoo." "WILMA:" "Oh, my God." "So do you, Chester." "JESSE:" "No way." "What's mine say?" "WANDA: "Dude."" "CHESTER:" "What about mine?" "WILMA: "Sweet."" "JESSE:" "Yeah, but what does mine say?" "WANDA: "Dude"!" "CHESTER:" "What about mine?" "WILMA: "Sweet."" "JESSE:" "I know, they're sweet, but, dude, what's mine say?" "WANDA:" ""Dude"!" "CHESTER:" "What about mine?" "WILMA: "Sweet"!" "I can do sexy." "How do you keep popping up like this?" "Come on, this isn't fair." "They're mooning us." "Sweet, dude." "It's good, right?" "(SPEAKING IN JAPANESE)" " Sweet!" " Dude!" " I am fun-Ioving." "I like charades." " Shut up!" "Go ahead and laugh." "Hold on a second." "JESSE AND CHESTER:" "Zoltan!" "That's a keeper." "Fingers crossed." "I got it!" "You want a piece of this?" " Dude!" " Sweet!" " And then?" " And then we went and..." " And then?" " Got those sweet jumpsuits so we..." " And then?" " Then we went and..." "I'm losing it." "I am fun-Ioving, without my clothes." "The platonic..." "The gray thing, dummy!" " Dude!" " Sweet!" "MAN:" "Can we cut?" "We gotta cut." "We have to." "MAN:" "You have to cut." "You guys have to cut." "MAN:" "Cut!" "Punk-ass kids!" "And then?"