"Testing... 123" "In the beginning I created the heaven and the earth." "Turn down the bass!" "Now the earth was unformed..." "Cut the echo!" "And darkness lay upon..." "Enough with the pyrotechnics!" "THE GOSPEL ACCORDING TO GOD" "In the beginning I created the heaven and the earth." "Then I created death." "And then... a million years of errands:" "Lights... suns... galaxies..." "oceans... rivers... and evolution from frogs legs to these baboons without fur and fleas." "I mean you..." "and me too, I guess." "And ever since... one long catatonic rest on the balcony with the beer, the cigarettes, the Prozac and my son..." "Sort of..." "Post-creation depression." "So, who was thinking of you on September 4th, 2001?" "I was expecting '"The Orthopedic Hour'"" "on The Shopping Channel." "I wanted to see and buy a new pair of slippers." "Two killed and dozens wounded in a suicide bombing at a shopping mall's entrance." "The bomber was halted by a security guard who was killed while preventing a greater carnage." "Riots erupted in Bethlehem..." "Come here..." "look!" "Over there?" "Behind the pharmacy?" "Thas where you were born." "It was..." "Whas the date today?" " September 4th, 2001." "So 2000 years ago..." "plus..." "Let me work this out..." "Simple!" "On December 25 you'll be 2001!" " Nice, Dad." "Call Pius..." "Pius the what?" " The twelfth." "The twelf." " The twelfth." "Just call him!" "Did his Sublimeness call me?" "What can I do for his Excellencious?" "Get me my Visa, my cell-phone and the pills." "Now!" "...To improve your posture and protect your feet" "The Orthopedic Hour offers you a wide range of solutions at very low prices." "To help you feel better." "This pair of slippers is today's highlight." "Just look at these slippers:" "Chic flannel, outside and in, cuddling your feet in comfort." "Zip-up... ankle-high..." "Great for getting through mud!" "There's never mud here, Dad." "There's even no weather here." "The price of these slippers is only 8,900 Visa points... 8,900 points?" "!" "I'd rather go down to Jerusalem and buy a pair at Castro's for half the price." " Nice, Dad." "How many times have I asked you to cut the pyrotechnics?" "Did you bring the pizza?" " No." "The duty angel said it was urgent and gave me this Hezbollah outfit." "He gave me this letter..." "Are you God?" " Yes." "Why?" "God from '"In the beginning God created,'" etc." " Yes." "Why?" "I thought God was less human..." "more infinite..." "I was infinite once..." "I was omnipotent, immanent..." "Dad!" "If the pizza is with anchovy, I don't want it." "I can't believe it!" "Jesus?" "Jesus?" "The son of..." "You say that I am." "Jesus as in '"Jesus Christ!" "'"?" "What does Nostradamus want now?" "So where are the holes in your hands?" "The long hair?" "Dad says that Jesus without the long hair is like Michelangelo's David without his dick." "Resurrection?" "Now?" "Gotta go now." "The guys back at base won't believe it:" "God wearing a robe." "And Jesus?" "A big-time disappointment!" "Thas it, Son." "You're going down!" " Why?" "What happened?" "Damn this suicidal outfit!" "I'm resigning!" "Come here." "Read it." "Dear God." "On January 1, 2002 your son (Jesus)" "Will go down to Jerusalem for the last time to perform the Resurrection." " Pius!" "Listen!" "Your son will perform the following:" "A preliminary destruction, raise of the dead, and eternal peace on earth." "Please report to me immediately." "Eternally yours, Nostrodamus." "Nice, isn't it?" " You believe this Nostrolog?" "No, my darling." "But I am..." "Who?" "Gee..." "O..." "Dee." "But the King of Kings must take his pills." "Remind me to cancel the preliminary destruction." "Watch your hands." "Watch your head." "Apocalypse?" "Now?" "Without Armageddon first?" "As if is '"Resurrection for all'"." "As if preliminary destruction isn't meant to rid us of undesirable elements:" "Black..." "yellow..." "Asians..." "Jews..." "The '"Resurrection package'" Includes 4 points." " Items!" "Ltems?" "O. K. 4 items:" "1." "Preliminary destruction." "2." "Raising of the dead." "3." "Resurrection." "4." "Eternal peace." "Will this include everybody or just Christians?" "This time we're going for broke:" "Christians, Muslims, Buddhists..." "Jews..." "Even blacks..." "if thas o. k." "With you." "Scumbag!" "I'm everybody's God!" "Say..." "Can I delete an item?" "Sure." "After all, you're..." " God, I know." "Einstein said:" "'"God doesn't play dice. '"" "Whas the relevance?" "None." "I just love talking." "Cancel the preliminary destruction." "Keep Satan out of the picture." "She's new on the job." "I don't want to fire her, like I fired Lucifer who exaggerated between 1933-1945." "He took advantage of the fact That I was on vacation..." "I needed to recover from the 19th century." "I rented a shack in Capernaum, no radio..." "no newspapers..." "Jesus was walking on the Sea of Galilee..." "Dad, you're digressing." " Digressing?" "Me?" "Preliminary destruction - out!" " Yes!" "You realize the boy isn't ready?" "Which boy?" " My boy." "This is...?" "I remember him..." "Curly... this high..." "No, you don't!" "When I go down to earth, what do I do in case of a '"true'" Resurrection?" "Any chance you have a manual for messiahs?" "A manual?" "I happen to have a messiah-training institute for exactly this event." "Please, please... follow me!" "The bald one in the robe is God." "The lousy dresser is Jesus." "Act as if is..." "God and Jesus!" "Come on, Albert!" "E=M?" "... C squared!" "First, I'd like to introduce Luke, who wrote my favorite gospel." "He'll teach Jesus selected chapters of his life story." "I hope the King of Kings and his son will forgive my outfit." "I was in the jacuzzi when Nostrodamus called..." "Sheraton Bombay?" " New York!" "Really!" "And this is Thomas Torquemada, head of the Spanish Inquisition, and now a physical fitness expert." "He'll teach Jesus the art of suffering..." "And nation shall not bear what?" " Swords." "Always at the service of The Father, The Son, and The... something!" "Scum!" "Remind me to take him off the list of the risen dead." "'"And in the end of days... '"" "What does he want?" "I burnt 100,000 Jews for him." "'"And nation shall not... '"" "And this is Joan of Arc." "She'll teach him messianic trance, self-hypnosis, mass-hypnosis, alternative medicine." "Right?" " Yes." "I can't believe it:" "I'm facing God and the messiah." "My Joan..." "My Arc!" "I still remember you fighting those windmills..." "With Sancho Pancho." "How is he?" "Dad tires very easily." "How nice." "And last but not least:" "Mama Theresa!" "Whas Beaten to ploughshares?" "She'll teach Jesus grace and..." "Their spears or swords?" "Their spears!" "How's your mother?" "She's fine." "You should visit her." "They moved to Paradise Heights." "And the wolf dwells with...?" " Lamb..." "lamb!" "O. K. Jesus needs to go now..." "And the leopard?" " The kid!" "Say your goodbyes now." "My sweet Jesus." "All I ask you is to go down once in 2000 years, perform a small Resurrection, raise the dead and if this doesn't work out, go to Castro's in Jerusalem..." "Those slippers?" "!" "Dad." "If you want new slippers, I'll get you new slippers." "Gee..." "O..." "Dee." "What will The leopard do with The kid?" "Will lie." "In future tense:" "Will lie, will laugh, will die..." "Tell me!" "If I want..." "If I'd like to pray for my son..." "who could I pray to...?" "WELCOME TO HELL" "'"300 Scottish castles in 80 days'"" "I don't want your fucking tours!" " You don't have a fucking choice." "Last call to passengers chosen for the tour:" ""A TOUCH OF CURRY:400 Indian restaurants in 2 weeks"." "I want to talk to Satan now!" "Can't you see I'm busy?" "Hell." "Satan's Office." "Lilith speaking..." "Yes, sweetheart." "Hold a sec." "Smoking is strictly forbidden." "Offenders will be sent to:" "600 days of Coconut and Aloha tour in Hawaii." "Cut the crap!" "Our man in heaven." "Pius?" "Pius the what?" " The twelfth." "My dear Pius the twelfth..." "So whas going on?" "Listen to this:" "He's doing the Resurrection and canceling the preliminary destruction." "Good morning to thy, King of Kings." "Did he sleep well?" " Shut up and give me the paper!" "Will His Holiness take the Prozac and Valium with the Alka-Seltzer?" "Listen, Pius..." "Pius the what?" " The twelfth." "'"God spotted in Countdown Dept." "Rumors:" "God is planning a mustache!" "'"Nostrodamus issues denial, says:" "God knows." "So what am I supposed to do?" "Shall I grow a beard?" "Shall I dye my hair white?" "Create a world?" "Stop talking to myself?" "Maybe retire when I'm still at the top?" "And besides... what is love?" "And who the hell created it?" "Me?" "Not you, my sweet." "How are you?" "From Hell to here - 126 seconds..." "Is a new record!" "Is no big deal." "Hell is getting closer to Eden by 2mm every decade so by the end of the 3rd millennium Eden will be hell... or vice-versa." "I hear a Resurrection is brewing behind my back?" " Correct." "And the preliminary destruction is off the agenda?" " Correct." "As if your son is going to pull off this raising of the dead business and bring eternal peace and all that bullshit..." "Is not fair..." "And you know it." "Please, God." "A preliminary destruction..." "Pretty please..." "Calm down, sweetheart." "Did you take your pills?" "Think of what we had in the previous century:" "2 world wars and the promos for the 3rd:" "Nagasaki, Hiroshima..." "That was the previous Satan's work." "I want a destruction of my own." "Think of what you've done since I appointed you:" "Besides, after the Resurrection Hell will be out of business." "At last, you'll be able to go back to Tel-Aviv." "Maybe you'll find a husband." "Be a dental hygienist again." "And besides, what is love?" "Ben-Yacov's residence." "Joseph speaking." " Can I talk to Mari?" "Who is it, please?" " Cut the crap, Joseph, is God." "Is for you." "Is him!" "How are you?" "Whas happening?" "Our boy is finally going down." "The Resurrection has arrived!" "Wow!" "Gee!" "..." "When?" "When will it happen?" "Early in the morning of January 1 st, 2002." "Very early... around 4 A. M." "And..." "Get to the point!" "Well, he won't be able to be with you on New Year's Eve." "Is the same story every time." "Since we agreed he spends holidays with me, you do everything to ensure he won't make it." "He missed New Year's Eve at the end of the millennium because you put him on Resurrection Alert." "And Christmas two years ago..." "What was your stupid excuse?" "That our son has developed an allergy to pine-tree needles." "And before that?" "You told me he went shopping with Santa Claus." "Santa Claus!" "As if there's such a thing!" "Calm down, Miriam..." "Maria..." "And now what?" "The Resurrection?" "Can't it be postponed a few hours?" "No." "Is Determinism, etc." "Deter... gents, my ass!" "You're sending our son to some lousy Resurrection just that he won't see his mother!" "I'm not responsible for everything." "I don't run the world..." "Well, I do, but..." "Let me tell you why you do it:" "You're afraid to be left alone." "You're afraid that he'll finally get a square meal at our place... that he might meet his classmates from Nazareth... and maybe, god forbid, he'll meet a nice girl... and your worst nightmare will come true:" "You'll be stuck for eternity on your lousy balcony, in front of the shopping channel and the silly puzzle..." "Stupid cow!" "Whas the matter?" "Did someone upset you?" "Tell me and I'll take care of them." "Isn't that what I'm here for?" "A wise Jew wrote a story, titled:" "'"What do we talk about when we talk about love?" "'"" "Carver wasn't Jewish." "It doesn't matter." "What matters is that we don't know." "Who created love?" "Where does it go?" "We don't know anything about it." " And the point is...?" "Whas left of it?" "Just longings." "Pathetic longings." "Longings for Maria as she was in the 1 st century B. C." "A virgin... 16 years old..." "almond eyes... oriental..." "Alright, my dear pedophile." "Whas your point?" "The point is that I can't find what I'm looking for here." "Just all sorts of plucked angels..." "Tortured martyrs with hairy moles..." "Post-traumatic saints with cellulites and..." "Bye, now." " Wait a minute!" "Are you familiar with Joan of Arc?" "No!" "I hope you find her..." "and have a good time with her... and you'll get to know her... and everything will be fine..." "and you will stop nagging..." "He said he's going to cancel the preliminary destruction." "He said I'll find a husband and be a dental hygienist again..." "He just talks." "All his life is nothing but '"God said '"" "Tomorrow night I'll come to you with a plan to overturn the Resurrection and reinstate the destruction." "'"The Guide to The Hereafter'"" "as photocopied by our mole in the Countdown Dept." "All I want is preliminary destruction..." "Preliminary destruction!" "Same story every time:" "She always overreacts when she is refused." "So I've cancelled the destruction?" "!" "Big deal!" "Is no reason to destroy twin towers." "But all this will end soon, as Jesus ends his trainings." "He must be bored stiff as Luke teaches him his life story that ended with 2000 years of jigsaw puzzle..." "On the right:" "Your mother-to-be." "To her left:" "Joseph the carpenter, who was her husband, but not her impregnator..." "Thas Jean of Arc!" "The Archangel Gabriel informing... 4 BC..." "a manger in Bethlehem... the night of December 25th..." "It was a chilly night..." " Well?" "You were born!" " Great!" "Exactly on Christmas." "You're a genius..." "The Last Supper!" "Remember the Last Supper?" "I'm finishing now a new, updated edition of my Gospel..." "Mazel tov!" " Thank you." "What, exactly, did you have for supper?" "The menu!" " The menu..." "What did you eat?" " Write down." "For appetizers, we had matzos with a wide variety of dips:" "Tahine... eggplant..." "ikra... taboula..." "T. A. B. O. U all sorts of antipasti." "The main course was fire-broiled mutton, seasoned with rosemary and mint, with rice and lentils on the side and mashed potatoes." "Mashed potatoes?" " Gotta have them!" "I had to skip the desserts." "I was in a rush to be betrayed and crucified." "Enough with it." "Les go over the Resurrection plan." "Alright." "Here is the plan:" "At 6 AM on January 1 st You land opposite the..." "The sealed Golden Gate in the Old City wall of Jerusalem." "The gate will open when you press '"senï" on the cell-phone provided to you by The Institute." "You enter the city and walk towards the Church of the Holy Sepulcher where you'll be re-crucified in front of a live audience." "But instead of going up to your father in heaven, your father with his entire kingdom, will come down to you, launching the Resurrection." "Surprising, isn't it?" " As surprising as a Kinder egg!" "Two questions:" "By re-crucifixion, you don't mean the real thing?" "With the nails and all?" " Of course we do!" "You can't forget the famous Christian agony that conquered the western world, which suffered from the joy and pleasure of living..." "Calm down!" "I want an anti-tetanus shot!" "I bet you're using the same nails." "Second:" "When Dad comes down with the kingdom etc." "Who, actually, gets me down off the cross?" "Daïs a little confused..." "I'll be hanging there for years." "Good question." "Let me put it to Nostrodamus." "No." "Tell me now how and when I'm off the cross." "Lunchtime!" "We've got to be in the cafeteria first." "Why first?" "Because service-angels steal the dumplings." "Go away!" "Steal your dumplings!" "I am butterfly, you are flower..." "Feel the flow." " I feel." "Open up." " I am." "You give me nectar." " Nectar." "Nectar to butterfly sun's flower." "Thas not a sentence." "No subject... no predicate." "No matter." "You be green." " Green?" "Be one with nature." "Feel free man!" "Free?" "Yes." "Man?" "Not yet." "I am Jean..." "you are dark..." "It tastes like..." "like..." "Volkswagen Passat..." "This is Cannabis Sativa, good for heart and spleen, pancreas, lungs..." "It resurrects the mind..." "The smell reminds me of Mary Magdalene's cakes." "Jesus Christ!" "I'm teaching you revelation and prophecy, and you, like an aging hippie, crave for nothing but" "Mary Magdalene's cookies!" "Okay." "Les go on with the rap." "You repeat after me." "Okay?" "Everybody up on their feet!" "'"Our father'"." " Our father." "'"Our father'"." " My father... me... myself..." "Can't hear you!" "'"Our father'"." " My father." "'"Hallowed be thy name'"." "... Be my name!" "'"Your kingdom cometh'"." " My kingdom cometh." "'"Give us'"..." " Go ahead and take." "'"Give us'"..." " Take!" "'"... this day our daily breaï"." "Bread." " She's hot!" "Legs up..." "'"Forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors'"" "Legs up... '"Forgive... '"" " I forgive..." "'"And lead us no"..." "Wonderful." "'"And lead us no"..." " Not..." "'"..." "Into temptation'"." " Temptation." "Amen!" " Yah man!" "Tomorrow we'll do Trance." "Now les hurry to the cafeteria." "Because the service-angels steal the dumplings." "Telepathique!" "No wonder they burnt you." "Allow me to introduce you to the greatest traitor in human history." "This is Judas Iscariot!" "He's the Jew who betrayed Jesus to the Jews for 30 Shekels." "When did the Jew betrayed the Jew to the Jews?" " In 30 AD." "Lilith, get me the heater." "I'm simply dying of cold." "This betrayal, how did it end?" "Jesus was crucified!" "What?" "Why am I always the last to know anything?" "I'll report you to God." "I see you've been on one of our tours..." "'"150 days of coconut  aloha. '"" "It was a devilish nightmare..." "Not devilish... sorry." "It was pure hell..." "Not hell... sorry." "Lilith!" "The heater!" "Look at me." "I look like a fried lobster!" "Lilith!" "I'm just dying of cold!" "My skin peeled 5 times!" "Like a hyperactive snake!" "Not to mention these fucking flower-wreaths..." "Every hour an Oriental drapes one all over you." "Why do you tell me this?" " My neck still hurts..." "Put it down right here." " And I got this nasty rash..." "What do you want?" "Go see a doctor!" "Thanks for bringing me back here." "Closer..." "Thas it." "What we would like from you, as a pro traitor and a Jew, is to help us solve the following problem:" "On January 1 st, 2002, Jesus is going down to Jerusalem to pull off a '"snap Resurrection'"" "with no '"Preliminary Destruction'"..." "Get to the point." "I'm freezing..." "You'll go down to Jerusalem and turn in Jesus to the authorities as a Shahid..." " No, no..." "I'm no longer in this line of business." "The demon that was in me left for an Hungarian violinist." "If Jesus sees me he'll tell his father, who'll take me off the Resurrection." "You'll do what we say!" "Les turn Judas into a woman who'll seduce Jesus." "Like in '"The Crying Game'", where is only at the end we find out she has a cock!" "But you've used up all your '"Miracles Stock'"" "for the next 2 years." "Even God has only '"The Taxi Trick'" left." "We'll call her Yudit for Yuda or in English:" "Judy for Judas." "Got it!" "A relative of mine from my mother's side... arrived a short time ago..." "Is 60 generations later, still..." "'"We're from the same hometown... '"" "It seems that betrayal is still a strong tradition in our family." "Before Israel was established in 1948, they turned in resistance fighters to the British." " Judas, please..." "So this relative was concerned for her daughter:" "27-years old, still unmarried, living all alone in Jerusalem..." "You are a bad cigar!" "Guess how she makes a living?" "Go ahead, guess!" "And you were a good cigar until..." "Well?" "Guess how!" " I suggest we send him back to the coconuts." "Betrayal!" "For the Israeli Religions Ministry!" "She turns in missionaries, imposter Jesuses..." " Why does she do that?" "Is a matter of genetics, Jewish tradition... and making a living." "So how much does she charge genetically for each betrayal?" "Her father turned in his brother to the IRS for 500." "She'll be satisfied with half." "... Plus expenses." "What expenses?" "Powder, she needs?" "Mouthwash she needs?" "Why mouthwash?" "I betrayed Jesus with a kiss." "Judith betrays with blowjobs." "So she needs mouthwash!" "Okay, Pius." "Goodnight." "I'm going to sleep." "Leave Judy's details on my desk." "How I love the smell of action in the air..." "'"The smell of Napalm in the morning'"." "Could you ask Judy to fax her tax exemption?" " No!" "I also love vegetable omelettes..." "But what I love the most is cakes with whipped cream." "30 days left until peace and tranquility prevail." "Jesus will soon see the end." "But first he has to put up with Torquemada." "This Mengele for beginners will give him a full body epilation." "Will get his ribs to protrude, and try to recapture my son's suffering for all of us." "I think he's on the way back to his old, forgiving self." "Jesus, darling." "Where is it?" " Where's what?" "I don't see the suffering in your eyes." "And where is your mythological slimness?" "They tell me you don't keep your diet." "Thas not true..." "My sweet, your famous spare ribs should have shown by now." "'"Should be showing'", not '"should have... '"" "never mind!" "The world wants your Dolorosa back." "Whas all this supposed to be...?" "Come on, agony is your 'passion'." "This one posed as you." "I gave him '"the treatmen"." "He confessed to being false." "When did it happen?" " 600 years ago." "Say, Torqa!" "During the Inquisition, when you made Jews drink hot oil, how could you hear them declare their belief in the Holy Trinity?" "Tomorrow we rehearse your Crucifixion." "'"We will'"." "Future tense." " Never mind." "Put it down there." "Get ready." "Tomorrow is... is your big moment before the Resurrection..." "I want the rehearsal to be exactly like the real thing." "Just don't die like you did the first time!" "I want to forgive him." "Really." "But if I forgive everyone, who'll be left to forgive me?" "Mon Dieu?" "Did you call for me?" "Joan, my dear martyr!" "You look wonderful." "How are you?" " Very well, Mon Dieu." "Is amazing, not a sign left from the fire..." "And your dress... what a fabric!" "Acrylic?" "Is canvas, Mon Dieu." "A fabric for simple people." "Come, sit here..." "on my piquet blanket... and talk to your Mon Dieu..." "How..." "How is my son?" "Progressing nicely, Mon Dieu." "He's uniting with nature like a flower, offering nectar to butterfly... flowing from the solar plexus, to the chakra of the heart, resurrecting the mind." "He's all green, Mon Dieu..." "Enough with this '"Mon Dieu'"!" "Enough!" "Les count stars..." "No stars..." "Les count buttons..." "No buttons..." "So les be silent..." "But Mon Dieu!" "I'm the virgin from Orleans." "For 500 years?" "!" "Enough!" "Mon Dieu." "Lead me not into temptation..." "I'm sorry..." "Thank you, Joan." "Goodnight." "Goodnight, Mon Dieu." "And she left." "The most attractive thing in this lost paradise of mine." "But for all the passion, love was not there." "Nor was the feeling I had with 16-year-old Miriam, looking at me while her eyes slowly crinkled into a smile as if holding back the tears of joy and sorrow for what would turn this love into painful longings... until the coming Resurrection will turn me abstract again." "So I went back down to Nazareth, to try a confession stunt at the Church of the Annunciation." "Any priest would forgive God for a brief lapse into humanity and no priest would refuse to give God the addresses, phone numbers or e-mails of a few Mary-like girls, so before Resurrection makes His Holiness metaphysical again," "God will enjoy for the second and last time a penetration into that wondrous human domain of love!" "Sir, Sir, please." "Whas that?" " Thas my Zippo." "Show me." " Here." "No cigarette please..." "And your shades first, I thought she was Joseph's sister." "But then my holy spirit..." "Me?" "God?" " Sure." "My holy spirit, usually resting with stoic calm, penetrated her body like a horny hurricane." "She responded ecstatically, shouting: '"Oh, my God!" "'"" "My God?" "Me?" "If you think it was only sex, You're wrong!" "A couple of days later, Joseph invited a local '"Exo-cris"" "who reprimanded me for molesting a minor like any old Galilean pervert!" "And since then... just longings." "Do you forgive me?" "Father?" "Say 30 '"Hail Mary'"s, take 5 Prozac, and some Hallidols." "Bye, now!" "Whas the matter with you?" "You'll see!" "Prozac!" "Idiot!" "Who else but a priest should be able to recognize God?" "These aren't biblical times, when all the prophets knew me as soon as I opened my mouth." "Whatever." "The Resurrection is coming, and I'll get the fuck out of here." "Then, in the same alley that Miriam took to the fountain," "I saw her..." "Mon Dieu." "How sad." "How truly lonely..." "'"JERUSALEM MIXED GRILL'"" "Sit down already." "Did you bring a photo of this Jesus?" " No." "So how do you expect me to recognize him?" "Is he handsome?" "Come to think of it, he's the melancholy type as if being miserable is a matter of principle to him, as if he's uncomfortable with all" "the forgiveness, charity and pity." "As if life is a fat zero." "As if everything is nothing..." " So is he handsome or not?" "If he isn't handsome, you won't blow him?" "I'll blow, I'll blow." "But how will I recognize him?" "At 6 in the morning, January 1 st, he'll land at the Golden Gate." "The beard and mustache are his, the hair is a wig..." "One, two... testing..." "January 1 st... the Golden Gate..." "Whas this?" "Mission impossible?" "Certainly possible." "Subject wearing a wig..." "Beard and mustache are real." "How about some sort of advance?" "On account?" "Fucking hell..." "What a load of shit." "One, two three:" "Allah akbar!" "Fucking hell!" "'"After this manner therefore pray ye:" "'"Our Father which art in Heaven, Hallowed by thy name." "'"Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done" "'"in earth, as it is in Heaven." "'"This day give us our daily bread..." "'"Give us this day our daily bread!" "'"" "Why are you shouting?" "I'm on the mountain." "They are supposed to hear me." "Don't shout." "Talk to them as if you're revealing a great secret." "They'll be listening." "Don't let the pain in your face turn to anger." "Don't bully them like your father... or Billy Graham..." "Come on, talk to me." "'"Give us this day our daily bread." "And forgive us our debts" "'"as we forgive our debtors..." "'"And lead us not into temptation. '"" "Again:" "And lead us not into temptation." "Don't lead us into temptation, please." "Wonderful..." "Now the '"other cheek. '"" "'"Ye have heard it said, an eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth..." "'"But I say to you, resist not evil:" "'"But whosoever shall smite thee on the right cheek," "'"turn to him the other also... '"" "It didn't quite catch on, did it?" "Whas with this Resurrection?" "What needs to be resurrected?" "!" "All they need is to drop this entire notion of God and son." "They have to realize at last they're alone in this world... that responsibility for human existence lies with them alone." "Anyhow..." "I can't see Dad retire before he figures out love thas driving him crazy." "Love that is fiercer than death, which he considered to be his finest creation until the day he met Mom." "What will be?" "I am named after Saint Theresa of Abela in Spain." "In the 15th century she wrote the most amazing thing in answer to your question:" "Thas what she wrote:" "'"Dear God, regard how we" "'"do not understand our own hearts, and know not what we desire," "'"and how we draw infinitely away from our destination. '"" "'"Blessed are the meek, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven." "'"Blessed are they which hunger for they shall be filled." "'"Blessed are they that mourn" "'"for they shall be comforted. '"" "The Resurrection is in good hands." "My art is the future... the world tomorrow... then the universe..." "You again?" " Luke!" "George Lucas..." "'"The Oath according to Luke'"." " The '"Gospel'"." "Torquemada..." "The Inquisition..." "Tom!" "Hello!" "Don't ask." "God made a pass at me." "But I'm too holy." "I'm such a martyr." "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen!" "Enough!" "Now, at ten minutes to 2002, and six hours to the Resurrection." "Tell the French that God loves synthetics." "Music...!" "Take me under your wing" "Be a mother and sister to me" "Your lap my heaïs cradle" "Nest of my forlorn prayers" "Your lap my heaïs cradle" "Nest of my forlorn prayers" "Say, Joan." "Whas Jesus like?" " Jesus?" "Short, balding... sad." "One joint and he'd even forgive Hitler." "Look at Joan of Arc." "She looks as if somebody whispers to her in Latin:" "Carpe diem..." "Seize the day..." "God made a pass at me..." "Passe." "Since I was torched, France became full of Moroccans." "Come here..." "Why?" " Isn't it Halloween?" "Halloween?" "No." "Is New Year's Eve." "You fooled with my diary again!" "Where did you put December?" "I told you to quit doing it!" "Don't look at me like that!" "These two idiots like to play with my diary." " Really?" "Now, ladies and gentlemen..." "madames et monsieurs..." "Right from the top, the most popular duo in the universe... the Father and Son..." "A round of applause, please!" "'"I took bread, and blessed, and I did break it in two... '"" "Whas this?" "He looks like a beatnik." "Resurrection my foot!" "He'll end up in an Indian Ashram." "'"I took the wine and the cup and this I sayeth unto them:" "'"This is my blood of the new testament, which is shed for many." "And I took... and did..." " Mon Dieu..." " And I blessed..." "Remember me?" "You thought I was wearing Acrylic, but it was canvas." "Then I kept saying Mon Dieu till you lost it..." "May I?" "Good evening." "In the beginning..." "Shit..." "I created the heaven and earth..." "When does the Resurrection begin?" " At 6 AM tomorrow." "Why?" "Then I created death to tell me apart from yourselves... so that I alone would be omnipotent." " Sensational!" "Then came love, and I've been trying to find out who created it and for what purpose?" "This is what I would like to expand upon..." "Is extremely important..." "Thank you." "Thank you..." " Is that all?" "And now, ladies and gentlemen, ten seconds before the big kiss," "I'd like to invite Jesus to the mike." "Could someone open Daïs collar before he chokes?" "I'll be brief." "I've got a massive day tomorrow." "Take care." "Thank you all very much." "10... 9... 8... 7... 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1..." "That bastard!" "What a pervert!" "Kissing sluts on New Year's Eve!" "Les go!" " Why?" " I'm going!" "Is soy sauce..." " Right now!" "Our Father in heaven, forgive us our debts..." "I forgive." "I forgive." "You and you too." "God and Jeanie sitting on a tree K" " I" " S" " S" " I" " N" " GEE!" "I have to go." "I've got a cabinet meeting with Satan." "You can tell the French that you French-kissed God." "Bye." "Fuck the French..." "What age are we now?" "A sad age... following my God, who is sending me back to Dr. Obermann ...a dental hygienist." "And this is what you call Resurrection?" "!" "Starting tomorrow you can play Hopscotch on my balcony." "Bingo!" "8... 7... 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1..." "Open sesame." "Open up already." "Is it Resurrection you wanted?" "Even one gate you can't open." "Come on!" "Open sesame already!" "Excuse me." "Could you tell me how to call paradise from here?" "With pity, grace, compassion and love..." "Area code?" "You look familiar to me." "Aren't you by any chance...?" "Jesus." "Jesus?" "Of '"the other cheek'"?" "Why not perform a miracle to prove that you are who you say you are?" "No, as I've already told Satan in Luke, chapter 4, verse 12, or the other way around..." "The beard and mustache are real, the hair is a wig..." "There are a lot of imposters here who like to hassle the pilgrims... carry their crosses down the via Dolorosa... just to make a few..." "What are you doing?" "... a few bucks." "Jesus!" "I can't believe it. 20 years I've been waiting for this moment." "They put me in the convent when I was only 15 years old just because I wanted to be a pilot in the Hungarian air force." "I can't believe it." "For 20 years you were my virtual husband because, like all other nuns, I was obliged to marry you." "For 20 years you were my virtual husband and I waited for the moment you'd turn into flesh and blood and not a figure on a cross of rubber... steel... wood..." "is all the same." "All's well that ends well!" "I do hope that I'm the first nun you've met..." "There must be half a million nuns longing to be intimate with Jesus." "Half a million nuns?" "Isn't it a bit Mormon of them?" "I've got to go resurrect the world in less than an hour..." "Is hard work, but somebody has got to do it." "I'll be back in..." "Hello." "The Golden Gate..." "It won't open." "Won't open..." "The Muslims won't open it until a peace agreement is struck." "I'll work it all out..." "It won't open..." " Bye, now!" "Find a location for me." "After that pathetic party and hours before my Resurrection performance," "I decided to drop into Nazareth in order to see her one last time." "Maybe she'd give me that look again." "And one day she'll recall this old, bald man who gazed at her so long, suddenly screaming in her sleep, knowing then that God loved her." "So next time I create a world, ill be more like:" "'"In the beginning I created love. '"" "Alright..." "I'm going." " Why?" "Where to?" "I've got a small deal for you..." "Where are you resurrecting?" "Okay, we've moved the Crucifixion to Absalom's tomb." "To Absalom's tomb?" " Is where John the Baptiss dad is buried." "Shefer..." " How do I get to this Absalom's tomb?" "Leave it to me." "Rivka!" " Hey, Jude!" "Whas happening?" "So you're a nun now?" " A nun, my ass." "Got a joint?" "Check out this scene!" "I was good at giving sight back to the blind but I've lost the touch." "Good stuff?" " Oh yes." "Run along, or you'll miss your Resurrection." "Keep going straight ahead." "On your left you'll see Absalom's tomb." "Go now." " Aren't you coming with me?" "Of course I am..." "Of course." "I just get another puff before I join you." "Now get going already!" "Shit!" "I'm getting only 200 dollars for this betrayal." "There's no work because of the Intifadah." "I've had only 3 jobs in the last 6 months." "Can you believe it?" "!" "I'm telling you, imposture simply doesn't pay anymore... no more false messiahs..." "no more phony prophets..." "Nothing at all..." "It has got so bad they've had to put out the real thing again..." "That guy you saw who looks like such a nerd... he's the real Jesus!" "Really?" "!" "You are such a dupe!" "After taxes and social security, you'll have barely 120 left." "And what about expenses?" "Nothing." "The nun's habit alone cost me 35 Shekels..." "Shefer and his film, I've got to cover that too..." "No more, never again..." "I won't betray anybody for less than 400..." "Not even if is God himself." "Minimum price: 400 dollars!" "God would never come here." " Why not?" "Nothing for him here." "Besides, to whom could you turn God in?" "Shefer!" "Shefer!" "You cocksucker." "Shefer!" "Come on!" "Are the pictures ready?" " Is here, but it didn't come out well." "Les do it again." "Is completely flat..." "This one's just fine." "It looks like he's pushing my head to his cock." " Yah, right..." "Les turn him in to the police before the Resurrection begins and I'll be left with nothing." "You see?" "Some good for us has come out of the Intifadah." "For shame... how indecent..." "I want..." "So it turned out that just as Judy was springing her trap, as I roamed Nazareth searching for beauty, as the crucifixion turned to farce due to my son's fear of tetanus..." "Just then I got to the basketball court and saw her once again..." "The same beauty..." "the same smile... which stopped my time in its tracks." "I simply forgot that Jesus was waiting for me at Absalom's tomb." "After all, true Resurrection was here... with her." "I'm warning you!" "If anything happens to me..." "It used to be lower." "He's just a pervert who forces decent women to give him blowjobs." "Father." "Why hast thou forsaken me?" "Dad." "Why hast thou forsaken me?" "Excuse me, what time is it?" " Ten past seven." "He should have been here by now already." "Father." "Why hast thou forsaken me?" "Dad, please come already." "This is no fun anymore, Dad, I've got a fear of heights." "Father." "Why hast thou forsaken me?" "Come on, please!" "I can't believe you're doing this to me again." "Dad!" "What are you doing here?" "Like to watch little girls?" "!" "Don't you know me?" " No." " I'm God..." "Allah..." "Get lost!" "Go on, get lost!" "Allah from '"Allah akbar'"!" " Allah take you!" "Go away!" "Get lost!" " You're on my list..." "Dad!" "Dad... slippers..." "Castro's..." "Jerusalem..." "Didn't you want...?" "Taxi!" "Get down!" "This is a no-parking zone..." "We'll get towed!" "Dad, is this the time to come?" " What a jerk!" "How long must I wait for you?" "The shops close at one." "There go my 200." "There goes him too." "Have you noticed any Resurrection on New Year's morning, 2002?" "For the record, God sent his son to buy him a pair of slippers at Castro's in Jerusalem." "Anything wrong with that?" "So in the face of your displeasure," "I'll wait another millennium with my beer, heartburn and cigarettes as Jesus battles his puzzle and we both try to appease the little Satan." "Maybe you'll finally understand that Resurrection is among yourselves." "It belongs to you alone - love." "Only if you perceive love as human, interpersonal and unique, then you'll know there is a reason for the existence all around you." "And there is nothing above you to resurrect you from all your happiness and sorrow, so intimately linked." "Take me under your wing" "Be a mother and sister to me" "Your lap my heaïs cradle" "Nest of my forlorn prayers" "Scriptwriter  Director ASSI DAYAN" "Producers HAIM MECKLBERG  YORAM KISLEV" "Director of Photography OFER INOV" "Production Designer YOEL HERZBERG" "Editor Z OHAR SELA" "Jesus GIL KOPATCH" "God ASSI DAYAN" "Satan TINKERBELL" "Judy TSUFIT GRANT" "Joan of Arc DANA PARNASS" "Guest Star GILA ALMAGOR as Maria" "Guest Star ISRAEL '"POLI'" PLIAKOV as MC" "Pius the 12th YEHUDA EFRONI Judas Iscariot YONI LAHAV" "Luke ROBERTO POLLAK Torquemada GOLAN AZULAY" "Nostrodamus EYAL GEFEN Mama Theresa ERICA KNOLLER" "Joseph The Carpenter IGAL ADIKA Delivery Angel ZION BARUCH" "Tour Guide RIVKA NEUMANN Lilith TSIPOR AISEN-LIOR" "Pretty Girl NELLIE FISHKIN Basketball Court Guard TAREK KOPTI" "As themselves YARON PE'ER and VERED DAVID" "Casting LEVIAH HON" "Composer BOAZ AVNI" "Costume Designer NATAN ALKANOVITZ" "Sound Designer ISRAEL DAVID" "Line Producer LIOR SHEFER" "Produced by HLS Film Production, Ltd." "The film was produced with the support of the Israeli Film Fund" "Produced with the participation of ICP and the Israeli Cable Companies" "Produced in association with Globus Group" "English:" "Ruvik Danieli" "Subtitles:" "Cinematyp Studios Ltd."