"CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" "Good evening." "Welcome to Have I Got News For You." "I'm Charlie Brooker." "In the news this week..." "In Manchester, a low-paid barista prepares George Osborne his post-speech latte." "LAUGHTER" "MORE LAUGHTER" "Rugby fans react to the sad news that England have been knocked out of the World Cup." "LAUGHTER" "And in the Bake Off final, one of the competitors wrecks her chances with her attempt to render Mary Berry's face in chocolate meringue." "LAUGHTER" "On Ian's team tonight is a comedian whose latest show is genuinely called Long Word..." "Long Word..." "Blah Blah Blah..." "I'm So Clever." "So please welcome First Name Second Name Whatever, Nish Kumar." "APPLAUSE" "And with Paul tonight is an MP who, throughout her political career, has been known as a left-wing firebrand, but is now known as a wishy-washy, middle-of-the-road moderate." "Please welcome Diane Abbott." "APPLAUSE" "And we start with the bigger stories of the week." "Paul and Diane, take a look at this." "Ah, yes, this is the new Labour Party." "George Osborne says the natural party of the Labour movement is the Tories now." "And so, therefore, Labour doesn't need to bother cos the Tories will" " do all the good work for them." " I won't say anything about Osborne or Cameron because Jeremy has told us it's all got to be a gentler," " kinder politics." " Gentler kind of politics." "Absolutely." " Are you really going to stick to that?" " Well, for a few minutes." "Yes, this is the Conservative Party Conference.." "Oh, the Conservative party?" "Sorry, I got it completely wrong." "It's the Conservative Party Conference, a parade of would-be successors to David Cameron trying desperately to out-shit one another." "Yes, indeed." "Iain Duncan Smith - what did he warn the candidates not to do?" "Not to be Conservatives!" " But it's something you wouldn't expect a Tory Conference to be." " Fun!" "LAUGHTER" " Beauty parade." " Absolutely." "Um...he did..." "He did warn them not to turn the Conference into a beauty parade, because they're all vying for position to take over David Cameron." " Do you want to see one of the beauties he was referring to?" " Yes." "LAUGHTER" " What's wrong with him?" " NISH:" "I recognise that stance." "Osborne lost bowel control." "LAUGHTER I've been there!" "He's certainly emitting something cos he's blowing that flag back quite spectacularly." "I don't know if you saw but some wags on social media rather cruelly made fun of Osborne's awkward stance." "LAUGHTER" "Do you want to see a picture of Theresa May?" "She's picked up some tips from George Osborne." "LAUGHTER AND SCATTERED APPLAUSE" "NISH:" "Can you catch haemorrhoids?" "If you've got a tennis racket and a steady hand." "LAUGHTER" "There were three contenders to be the next leader and two of them had got the message that you gotta be nice this year, and no-one had told Theresa." "So she did full-on nasty." "And everyone looked round saying, "Oh, really!"" "Traditionally the Home Secretary at the Tory Conference goes sort of mad and appeals to the audience and no-one minds." "But this year they're all nice - they're like you." "You have changed politics." " SHE LAUGHS" " Thank you." "What I thought was amazing..." "LAUGHTER" "What I thought was amazing about Theresa is she spent her speech ranting on about how there are too many immigrants in the country." "You would never have thought she'd been Home Secretary for five years." "Yeah, you'd think if only there'd been someone in a position of power who could have stopped this...happening." "Oh, it's you." "She said she was not going to allow EU migrant quotas..." "Which is terrifying cos that means she's planning to rule for a millennium." "Why do you think she said it now about migrants?" "People are saying she's going to position herself to say we need to come out of the EU to stop all these migrants coming in." "Although they won't stop me and you cos we're already here." "Bad luck, Theresa!" "I'm here taking up a white comedian's job right now!" "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" "George Osborne is the other pretender to the crown." "He's a surprising person, George Osborne." "He was revealing his musical tastes." " Yes, he was." "Do you know who he's a big fan of?" " Oh, yeah." " NW.." "A?" " NWA." " Who Ian and I are both massive fans of." " Massive fans." " What are your top seven NWA tracks?" " Top seven?" "LAUGHTER" "Make it top six, give 'em a chance!" " Should we be that surprised?" " Yes, we should." "It's just cos, like, NWA and the music they made and Straight Outta Compton all came out of a group of people who felt really disenfranchised and disengaged and abandoned by society." "And is this George Osborne's way of cultivating UK hip-hop?" "Like, what he's been trying to do is cut off the poorest people in society, make them feel really angry, and then maybe we'll get a better class of rap music." "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" "That's a genius scheme." "In an interview with the Mail On Sunday, George Osborne revealed he's a fan of rap and has even entertained Dr Dre at Downing Street." "Although he did fall out with Dr Dre over his plans to make him work a seven-day week." "During..." "LAUGHTER" "Just imagining Junior Dr Dre." "He's really tired." ""Oh, God."" "Tired Rap is actually a genre." " Is it?" " No." "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" "According to the Telegraph, who strongly supports Osborne's severe cuts on the low paid?" "Ice Cube." "LAUGHTER" "IDS Cube." "LAUGHTER" "He's another of the top rappers." " Really?" " He turns up the volume." "LAUGHTER" "It was Iain Duncan Smith." "He said:" "Sticking with popularity contests, what did Jeremy Hunt say to endear himself to the population this week?" "He said the British people should work harder." "They should work more like the Chinese?" " He said Asians." " No, he said Chinese." " He said Chinese specifically?" "It's not all about you." "LAUGHTER" "Give some other people a break." "Honestly!" "Stealing Chinese victimhood." "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" "And Boris gave a speech afterwards." "What was different about his speech?" "He stood up properly." "His speech was even more to the centre than everyone else's." "And he talked a lot about standing up for the low-paid and the downtrodden." "What was his slightly outrageous claim?" "He said..." "Do you live longer, or does it feel longer?" "What were alternative champions of the low-paid and downtrodden doing outside the conference hall?" "Saying really nice things to people as they went past." "Is that true?" " Not really." " Did you disapprove of them, Diane?" " Yes." " They're not kindly and nice, are they?" " They're anarchists." "They're the anarchists." "They were shouting, "Tory scum" and throwing things at Boris." "CROWD BOO" "Boris did kind of shrug it off." "He said that he had received a warm welcome from the people of Manchester." "He claimed they were chanting..." "And we all know where." "David Cameron was the main act." "How did you feel about him having a go at your friend Jeremy Corbyn?" "Well, it's certainly not the kinder, gentler politics." "He did say in his speech, of Jeremy Corbyn, he said..." "This was in reference to an interview Corbyn gave in 2011 where he said it was a tragedy Bin Laden had been assassinated rather than tried in an international court." "BBC News didn't mention that nuance in their coverage of" "Cameron's speech because they're still got a licence fee to defend." "APPLAUSE" "There was this real kind of frontal assault to demonise Jeremy. "Britain hating..." "Terrorist loving..."" ""Eats babies..."" "There's such a thing as over-doing things, in my view." "He might as well have called him, "Jihadi Jez"." "NISH:" "That was my wrestling name." "That's a brilliant wrestling name." "I want to know what everyone's wrestling name would be." "His-slap." "Very good." " Paul Megaton." " No." "Susan Hampshire." "I didn't get a lot of work." "Internet star Liz Truss was at the conference." "She made an eagerly awaited speech on the subject of agriculture" " and the environment." " Children are at the heart of this." "Thanks to our new rigorous national curriculum children will be learning about where food comes from and the proper names of trees and animals." "The proper name for a tree." ""This is Gerald."" "This is the Tory Party Conference." "during the conference the Daily Mirror did its best to damage David Cameron with this front page expose." "I'm not sure that's THE picture he doesn't want you to see." "According to no-one." "Definitely, definitely didn't happen." "Anyway, Ian and Nish, take a look at this." "That's Theresa May's ideal view of England." "Looks lovely." "Oh, there's a paper bag." "And caring youths didn't pick it up." "And that's more paper bags." "There's going to be a 5p charge on paper bags." "As of now." " Plastic bags." " Plastic bags." "You see, I followed it closely." "Yes, it's the end of the world as we know it because English plastic bags now cost 5p." "Can I actually just, quickly..." "It's important I say "sorry" to viewers in Scotland and Wales because they've been paying 5p for plastic bags for years we just heard nothing about it because they're not massive pedantic miserly cry-babies." "Plastic bags take 1,000 years to degrade." "That's a very exact number, isn't it?" "By that time Theresa May will still be in power." "They're warning of chaos because people are saying that the rules are quite complicated." "You won't be charged for a bag if you're buying some things." " What are they?" " Meat." " Unwrapped meat." "Axe-heads." "You're not going to try and charge someone who's buying an axe-head anyway." "Also, more fool you if you're putting your axe-head in a plastic bag." "There's also goods contaminated by soil, like potatoes, but if you put just one un-exempt item in your bag then you do have to pay." "So, with that in mind, who would like to play a game I just made up..." " Yeah..." " called, "5p or not 5p?" "That is the question."?" "I'll describe the contents of my imaginary shopping bag and you buzz in and tell me whether it's 5p or not 5p, because that is the question." "So, I've just done my weekly shop." "I'm planning a quiet night in on my own." "What's happened to the wife, then?" "She's left me." "She's left me." "I didn't want to bring it up." "But she's left me." "Thanks, Paul." "She's left me!" "I've just done my weekly shop... and I'm planning a quiet night in on my own." "So I've bought some dirty potatoes, some anti-depressants, a goldfish, an axe, a packet of cornflakes and a pig's head." "I've put them all in one bag." "So my question is, "Is that 5p or not 5p?"" "BUZZER" " That's 5p." " No." "The answer is not 5p." "Not 5p, because..." "Why did you think it was 5p?" "Because it felt like something to say to get this bit of the programme over as quickly as possible." " Cornflakes threw me on the wrong path." " Cornflakes." "Well, actually, technically you would have normally been right, but what you didn't realise is I do my weekly shop at a store that employs fewer than 250 full-time staff and hasn't chosen to opt into the 5p bag scheme, so who looks stupid now?" "Well..." "It's..." "I think it's exactly that pedantic attitude that led your wife" " to leave you." " She hasn't left me." " She has." "She's moved in with me and the missus." "The Mail On Sunday did come up with a cunning way round the 5p charge." " Do you know what it was?" " Starve yourself to death." "Eat immigrants." "Keep a plastic bag at home and take it to the shops with you." "You know what, stunningly they said..." "Which, of course, is the entire point." "Mail On Sunday readers are presumably also stunned to know you can get round speed cameras just by slowing down." "Taking the Mail On Sunday's advice on board, can anyone think of any other ways around the 5p charge?" "I'll give you a clue - the Welsh have come up with a particularly ingenious solution." "Have dragons carry your shopping." "They've just been keeping the metal shopping basket instead." "One Tesco store in Denbighshire in Wales had 97% of its baskets taken in 2012." "That is a lot of baskets." "Luckily, they're easy to recycle - you just chuck them in a canal and walk off." "This is the news that English plastic bags will now coast 5p each." "It's claimed Sainsbury's are using a legal loophole which means they don't have to give any of the profits from the bags to good causes." "Well done, Sainsbury's." "Taste The Indifference." "The bag charge is partly an attempt to reduce litter." "One woman told the Independent..." "Well, to be fair, using a plastic bag is the most efficient way of keeping all those kittens together." "LAUGHTER AND GROANS" "So, we move to round two - the Picture Spin Quiz." "Fingers on buzzers, please, teams." "BUZZER" "NISH:" "I don't know what is going on, but the man on the right looks like a handsome version of me." "And he's really delighted, cos he's met Shaggy from Scooby-Doo on the left." "It's the Great British Bake Off, and the lady in the middle is the winner." "Everyone should know that." "Is that a policy?" "No, it's a fact!" " It's a fact." " It's a fact?" "Oh, right." "Er, it is the news that Nadiya Hussain has captured the nation's heart by winning the Great British Bake Off." " Did anyone see it?" " No, I didn't, no." "Not interested in it." "SHE GASPS" "Why..." "Why not?" "I suppose it's the idea of people baking cakes that I find quite boring." "APPLAUSE" "Do you want to see her winning moment?" " No." "No, thank you." " Yes!" "Yes, we do - we've got to be informed." "I am never, ever going to put boundaries on myself ever again." "I'm never going to say I can't do it." "I'm never going to say maybe." "I cried when I saw it." "I genuinely..." " People think I experience no emotion..." " Mm." " Oh, not love." " ..including those closest to me..." " Depression." "We've already established that the people closest to you are no longer there, so..." "How has Nadiya's achievement been received?" "Putin was ecstatic." "The Mail's resident charmer Amanda Platell did her own bit of stirring, complaining about the multicultural make-up of the three finalists." "THEY GROAN She won't like this panel, then!" "She said..." "She'd be furious." "She wrote, "Now we're down to the final three," ""it's certainly a PC triumph." ""We are left with Muslim mum Nadiya Hussain," ""gay doctor Tamal Ray," ""and new man Ian Cumming..." He's not new, he looks about 60!" ""Poor Flora Shedden never stood a chance." ""She was far too middle class." And she added..." "Daily Mail reader online were predictably up in arms about this." "My favourite comment regarding Nadiya's victory was simply..." "Nice people achieving things." "Got to be stopped." "It is quite weird that she's been hailed as a cultural ambassador because she's a woman in a hijab who's won a baking contest, because I suppose usually Muslims usually get such a bad press - basically, on TV," "we're not used to seeing someone of Middle Eastern appearance staring anxiously at a timer." "Unless you're watching 24." "Anyway, this is the winner of the Great British Bake Off." "Nadiya Hussain shrugged off racist abuse telling her to go back to where she came from, saying she's not going back to Luton for anyone." "Complaining about BBC political correctness, the Sun revealed that contestants on the new series of the Apprentice include..." "Now, that's what I call a minority." "Fingers on buzzers again." "Yes." "BUZZER" "It's Edward Snowden." "Is he ringing down to reception because he's got a cheap mirror that doesn't reflect his image?" "Oh, my God!" " He's a vampire!" " He's a vampire." "It's the news that former CIA employee and whistle-blower" "Edward Snowden has given his first interview to the BBC." " Yes, on Panorama." " Mm-hm." "Which is another BBC programme - rather like Bake Off." "Have we got five minutes of it?" "In the interview, he alleged that the British intelligence services can do what?" "He said that they've got unprecedented access to your smartphone." "GCHQ can make your phone turn itself on, it can photograph you, it tells GCHQ where you are." "The software inside most people's mobile phones can record all of what you're doing." "While Snowden was chatting away to the Beeb in a hotel room, how was a weather girl in his chosen country of Russia helping out Putin with the Syrian war?" "Predicting clear skies?" " Yes!" " Really?" " Yes!" " Do you want to see it?" " Yeah, I think I should, actually." " Yeah." "For a moment I thought I'd made it up." "IN RUSSIAN:" "I think the temperature's rather higher than that" " during the firestorm." " Yes." "I mean, this is jolly weather for the Russian Air Force to bomb the hell out Syria and create another billion refugees." "She looks jolly happy." "Yes, this is ex-CIA employee and whistle-blower Edward Snowden's revelation that GCHQ can now hack into your smartphone and take total control of it." "Without exception, newspapers expressed amazement - all they can do is listen to your voicemails." " Meanwhile, the Daily Mail reported..." " She's innocent." "Meanwhile, the Daily Mail reported that the Russians have launched a brand-new supersonic cruise missile called..." "Can't wait for KFC's lawyers to kick off about that brand infringement." "Time now of the Odd One Out round - it's one between you this week." "Your four are..." "Ian Paisley..." "Margaret Thatcher..." "Concorde..." "And Helen Mirren." "BUZZER" "Is Concorde the odd one out, because it's not waving?" "It's about 10,000 times better than the actual answer." "It always is." "Can we have a clue?" "Well, it's Helen Mirren." "But it's what she..." " That's more the answer." " It's..." "Is she the odd one out because all the rest of them are things that have been played by Helen Mirren?" "What has she recently declared she's going to give up?" "Low-fat yoghurt." "Tell us what she's giving up and we'll work round to the answer." "She's giving up nudity." " How's she going to have a bath?" " What does she do...?" "What does she do that the others...?" "She's an actress." " What sort of roles does she play?" " She was a detective." "She was the Queen." "She's not going to play the Queen naked any more!" " Is anyone going to get this?" " No." " No, tell us." "They're all people or things that the Queen is good at mimicking, apart from Helen Mirren, who's good at mimicking the Queen." "What?" "Concorde?" "That's..." "Apparently, the Queen is good at mimicking Concorde." "Erm..." "According to Bishop Michael Mann..." "Oh, don't listen to him?" "He's never off it." "Apparently..." " Oh, she does the visuals, as well, does she?" " She does the visuals." "Do you know what other impressions she has in her repertoire?" " Well, obviously, Ian Paisley." " Mm-hm." "In the 1980s, her favourite impressions were said to include..." "She doesn't do that last one quite as much these days." "Now at Her Majesty's pleasure somewhere else." "When the Queen is rehearsing for the state opening of Parliament and her crown isn't available for some reason," " what does she put on her head?" " A tea cosy." "Weighted to simulate exactly the crown." " That's not as crazy..." " Oh, no!" "It's a sack of flour." "A sack of flour!" "Because it's the equivalent weight of the crown and it helps her prepare for the ceremony." "Yes, they are all people or things that the Queen is good at mimicking, apart from Helen Mirren, who is good at mimicking the Queen." "A lot of people now can't look at the Queen without thinking of Helen Mirren, especially Prince Philip." "Time now for the Missing Words Round, which this week features as its guest publication The Torch, the newsletter of the Blowtorch Collectors' Association." "Can we start with..." "Set me on fire with a blowtorch." "Even though my wife told me she was Ronnie Pickering, I still love her." "This is from the newsletter of the Blowtorch Collectors' Association." "Ted and Rose Mare have been happily married for 45 years, and the only misunderstanding they've had in that time is when she asked him what he wanted for his birthday and he said," ""Oh, any chance of a blowtorch, love?"" "Next..." "Seeks similar." " Got a long wait." " Yeah, long wait, yes." "It's actually..." "Obviously." "Bert Jansen, a Dutch artist and the man who brought you this..." "..is planning on creating a one-person aircraft in the shape of a cow." "Jeremy Corbyn is desperately hoping he'll be able to make pigs fly just in time for the next election." "Next..." "Because it was a panda car!" "No, it's actually..." "Yes, a man in Russia this week was spotted by police driving with a bear in the back of his car." "He was on way to woods, on urgent mission." "Next..." "Everybody goes home." "They've run out of gas!" " You were right the first time." " Oh, no!" "The event includes..." "Oh, God, not creme brulee again!" "And finally..." " Love." " Porridge." "Nothing." "I'd cancel the tour." "No, it's actually..." "A new study has revealed that Scots are more likely to forego alcohol than deny potatoes a place on their tables." "According to The Scotsman, 34% of Scots would choose to eat potatoes on their deathbed." "It's too late to start eating vegetables then, you idiots!" "So our final scores are..." "Ian and Nish, four points." "But Paul and Diane, five points." "Well done." "APPLAUSE" "But before we go, there's just time for the caption competition." "I woke up this morning feeling a little HORSE." "And I leave you with news that, at a high-level summit, the Iranian ambassador can't wait for the results of his exploding chair prank..." "..a leaked photo from the set of the new Star Wars film suggests that stress counselling has worked wonders for Darth Vader..." "..and, finally, a man who thought he'd fulfilled his life's ambitions wakes up to discover, sadly, it was all a dream..." "Goodnight."