"Chelsea:" "Not too long ago," "I pulled a real bonehead move and got a DUI." "Since then, my roommate Dee Dee has become my designated driver." "She's perfect for the job because she doesn't like drinking, and her initials are, well, "D.D."" "[Groans] I have to go for to the courthouse to get my community service assignment tomorrow." "I hope they don't make you pick up trash by the side of the road." "Mmm." "Oh, maybe they'd let you dirty Skype the troops." "Oh." "I would be honored to share my foxhole with the soldiers." "All right, you guys." "Go ahead and try this." "Oh, Rick, I'd hate to say this about alcohol in any form, but..." " Uhh." " What?" "What do you mean, "uhh"?" "It's great." "It's lavender-infused vodka with a hin cream and a cactus liqueur." "That's not a drink." "It's a candle you buy at a lesbian bookstore." "I like it." "Thank you." "It smells like my Nana." "And her roommate Millie." "Wait." "I just realized something." "Hey, look, at least I'm trying, OK?" "I'm gonna open up my own bar one day, and I'm telling you, the central and north Jersey mixology society, it's a great networking opportunity." "Yeah, so's sleeping with people." "Why don't you try that, Rick?" "Well, I do, but unlike you, not enough to fill a bar." "Chelsea, you should give him the recipe for your bang-bang." "I don't need your bang-bang, whatever that is." "I'm sure I can come up with something better." "Oh, yeah?" "Yeah." "All right, don't look." "You too, fella." "Hey, you know straight vodka is not a cocktail, Chelsea." "And straight men don't have your haircut, Rick." "Ahem." "Here you go." "Mmm." "OK, that's good." "Wait for it." "Holy God." "And the's the second bang." "Yeah, I admit it's got a kick to it, but not sure it's up to the standards of the CNJMS." "I have TMJ, fyi." "You can make fun of me, but at least I have a goal." "Now, come on." "Seriously." "You know, Olivia wants to bea." "And Todd's studying acting." "What do you want?" "Todd's studying acting?" "That's great." "Yeah." "Well, not when one man has the monopoly on every great role for little people." " Peter Dinklage." " Who?" "Peter Dinklage from "game of thrones."" "Oh, he is cute." "Do you know him?" "Not all little people know each other, Olivia." "But, yes, I..." "I do." "Ah, come on." "You didn't answer my question." "What do you think you want?" "Hey, I am happy in my life." "You know," "I love my friends." "I loy job." "I don't really want anything." "Oh, come on." "There must be something you want." "Well, last week, something hit me, but..." "Forget it." "No, what is it?" "Come on." "Tell us." "Well, I was just walking down the street, and suddenly I realized there is something I want." "Ohh." " Rick:" "You want a baby?" " Are you nuts?" "I want boots," "$700 hand-crafted French thigh-high leather boots." "So your big goal is a pair of boots." "I wouldn't really put it that way." "It's more like..." "[Bubbly] My big goal's a pair of boots." "So, Melvin, I was talking to your daughter yesterday." "You know what her big goal is?" "Pair of thigh-high leather boots." "Really?" "That's your goal?" " Yeah." " Thigh-high boots?" "I'm proud of you, honey." "You would look terrific in those." "Thanks, dad." "You're serious?" "Ah." "She's a leggy knockout." "She's only gonna be young once." "My wife, rest her soul, cause she anything was always saving for late." "What if there is not a later?" "Have fun, Chelsea." "You have a terrific figure now, but time is not kind to a busty girl." "You know what?" "I'll buy you those boots." "What do you need?" "700 bucks." "700 bucks?" "!" "Mm-hmm." "You're gonna 700 bucks for boots, your head's so far up your ass, you won't be able to see 'em." "Don't worry about it, dad." "I'm gonna find a way to get those boots on my own, because I don't need to rely on anybody or anything." "Chelsea, did you forget I'm driving you to the courthouse for your dui assignment?" "No, I did not." "I made you a sandwich." "Did you remember to eat lunch no, I did not." "And here's your wallet." "You left..." "All right, let's just go." "You know what?" "You don't have to wait with me here, Dee." "Are you kidding?" "I wanna meet the clerk." "Why?" "Why?" "I love everything about a courthouse." "When I was a little girl," "I used to love to play bailiff with my dad." "How do you play bailiff?" "Well, you stand quietly by his desk, sometimes for hours, while he does his work." "That's the hard part." "When he leaves the room, you get to say," ""all rise for judge daddy."" "Then when he comes back in, you get to say," ""all rise for judge daddy."" " Was your dad a judge?" " No." "He was a cartoonist." "Hello, ladies." "Now, that is a handsome man." "Oh, yeah." "Imagine without the glasses." "Oh." "I'm so sorry to keep you waiting." "I just came from another budgetary meeting." "I came this close to losing my job today." "Oh." "5 other guys did." "[Chuckles]" "But enough about me." "Chelsea..." "Yeah, that's me." "You need to be assigned your community service, huh?" "Mm-hmm." "What would make you happy?" "Uh, getting my license back." "Yeah, walking up to the drive-through is getting really embarrassing." "No, no, I'm serious." "I need you to be happy, and then I need you to fill out this online survey and rate my performance." "It'll just take you 5 minutes, and you could save my pension." "[Laughs]" "So don't make me beg." "[Laughs]" "I think my friend Dee Dee would love to see you on your knees." "Chelsea!" "Um, well, if I say nice things about you, can I get out of my community service completely?" "Mm, no." "I can't do that." "But just pick any dumb charity you want." "I'll pretty much sign off on anything that has a letterhead." "I know, right." "Lemon drop?" "Certainly." "I volunteer tutoring at-risk kids." "Maybe Chelsea could help me with that." "Oh, yeah." "And then she could sign off on it for me, right?" "Absolutely!" "Yeah." "I'll just give you these forms." "Fill these out." "But you do have to get them back." "Otherwise, the sheriff'll come after you." "Unless he loses his job, too." "Um, OK." "Well, thank you, Mr..." "Mills." "Marty mills." "Oh." "My grandpa died in a mill." "I don't know why I said that." "Down, girl." "Dee Dee, your boyfriend at the courthouse said you could just sign this for me." "[Scoffs] He's not my boyfriend." "Then why are you blushing?" "Maybe I have rosacea." "Get off my back." "After you tutor for 2 hours, I'll sign the paper." " Ok, how 'bout an hour?" " Don't play me, girl." "I learned that here." "Oh." "All right, fine." "Who am I sued to tutor?" "Hmm." "Oh, I know Warren needs somebody." "Warren, this is my friend Chelsea." "Chelsea, Warren." "Chelsea's really excited to jump in and help you, but it's her first time doing community service, so be nice." "Community service?" "What'd you get arrested for?" "Being too hot?" "You didn't tell me this was the gifted program." "Here's Warren's work package." "Speaking of packages..." "All right, stud, dial it back." "All right, let's see what we got there." "Pre-algebra?" "[Scoffs] "E" equals mc that's never gonna happen." "Oh, "lord of the flies."" "You're gonna love this book." "They kill a wild boar and a smart kid with glasses." "You know, I would kill a smart kid with glasses for you." "If you were my woman, I would shower you with gold and diamonds." "I'm glad you ended that with diamonds." "All right, do you wanna read this book or not?" "Well, that depends." "Can we read it at your place?" "OK, dude, listen." "You will never get a woman like this if you don't graduate from High School." "Do you know why?" "Because I'm an expensive woman." "I want a pair of $700 boots." "Do you think your job at the chicken processing plant is gonna pay for that?" "All right, get started on your history homework." "And, uh, I'll be right back." "Hey, Dee, I got him started on his reading, so I'm gonna go on my break." "Quick question." "The faculty lounge, is that a full bar or just beer and wine?" "It's 2 hours, Chelsea." "There are no breaks." "Come on." "I just got my period." "I gotta go to the nurse." "Welcome to fast times at this sucks high." "Hey." "All right, so do you have any questions about history or life or..." "I don't know..." "[Cell phone ringtone]" "[Rings]" "[Rings]" "[Ringing]" "Hey, Warren, why does your crotch have the same ringtone as my phone?" "I wasn't stealing your phone." "Ah." "Sure you weren't, you little thief." "We don't have a computer, and I was just use it to do research on the Louisiana purchase." "Of course you were." "And that's why it's between your legs, so you can attach it to that printer that you've got down there." "This is Nana's candle." "Enjoy." "Ahh." "All right." "Ahem." "Hey, dude." "Yeah?" "What have you got for ro2?" "Oh, see the drink with the live goldfish and little castle in it?" "It's the aquariumdaiquiri." "Are you kidding me?" "You're trying too hard." "OK." "Chelsea." "Hey." "What's up?" "Just got your text." "You didn't need to text her, Todd." "I can handle this." "You put an animal in a drink." "You need the bang-bang recipe." "Whoa." "Why would I give you the bang-bang recipe?" "Because Rick's gonna split the $1,500 with you." "Todd." "Don't push me away" "I'm here to help." "[Sighs]" "All right, yeah, fine." "If we win, you get half the money." "All right." "First I need 2 shots of vodka." "All right." "All right, let's get to work." "OK." " See what's happening here?" " Hmm?" "We are gonna win that contest." " OK." " Because someone up there really wants to see me in those boots." "So God wants to see you in thigh-high boots?" "Look, all I'm saying" "I wear a white t-shirt, it rains." "You do the math." "Yay." "We did it." "The bang-bang came through." "Yeah." "Well, you did it." "That's the thing." "I'm just so tired of being, like, average at everything." "Like, in school, I was an average student." "I was kind of an average athlete." "Well, how are you in bed?" "I mean, I'll be honest." "I don't blow me away." "Shut up." "You've done a lot of really cool things." "Didn't you, like, model when you were a kid?" "Yeah." "I was a husky model." "Are you kidding?" "No." "You know, then I hit puberty, and I thinned out, so all the jobs and the free giant pants dried up." "Did you ever do underwear ads?" "If they were tasteful." "Ho ho ho!" "If you love me, you would find those pictures, blow one up, and give it to me for Christmas." "Well, I'm glad you think this is funny." "Oh, shut up, Rick." "Come on." "You're great-looking now." "Everyone loves you." "And one day, when you open your own bar, in tribute to your childhood, you can call it tgi fat-ass." "Ah, go on." "Get out of here." "Get your hooker boots." "There are so many shows about judges and lawyers." "What about the clerks and the secretaries and the midlevel administrators?" "That's the show I want to see." " You know what show I want to see?" " What?" "You kissing that clerk at the courthouse." "Can I tell you a secret?" "When he showed Chelsea and me to the door, he smelled like a heavenly mixture of stetson cologne and copier." "Honey, are there any chunks of your childhood that you don't remember?" "Whoo!" "Whoo!" "What do you think?" "Worth 700 bucks?" "Yes!" "Oh, my God." "I'd ask to borrow them." "Except they would chafe my armpits." "Chelsea, you look so great." "You're gonna turn so many heads in those." "And hopefully raise a few." "Dee Dee, you have got to try these on." "They will change your life." "That's the way I feel about my Nate Berkus Fanny pack." "Oh, here." "Take a picture." "Heh." "Why were you googling the Louisiana purchase?" "What?" "Let me see that." "Heh." "Oh, my God." "Warren really was googling the Louisiana purchase." "Oh, yeah." "I lend him my phone all time." "They don't have a computer." "But I thought he was trying to steal it." "I called him a thief." "Oh, don't worry." "He's got much bigger problems than you." "His mom's in jail, and he has to take care of his little brother." "Oh, my God." "Really?" "Mm-hmm." "Don't worry." "Warren's fine." "Tonight's about you and your fancy new boots." "I just bought this amazing new boots." "I should be feeling good right now, not feeling bad about kids who don't have computers." "Nobody said you had to." "Chelsea, before you have another drink, can you do that online survey for Marty Mioh, right." "Right." "Look at me, using a computer like I deserve to." "The only thing I use this computer for is to online shop and watch goats kicking people in the nuts." "My grandparents had a carrear until Kim jong-il ate it." "You know what?" "Give me the computer." "There's no way in heck Marty was only "somewhat prom."" "God, poor little Warren, you know, with his mom on death row and that ugly little backpack." "How is he ever gonna learn about the Louisiana purchase if he doesn't have a computer at school?" "He's gonna learn from good tutors like you." "Now, are you drunk enough to sleep yet?" "Why?" "Is Marty mills coming over?" "That's crazy." "I don't even know his number." "[Gasps] We should Facebook him." "Does he have Facebook?" "Everybody has Facebook." "Except little Warren." "Ohh." "Good morning, sleepyhead." "Or should I say, good afternoon, alcoholic"?" "Oh, God." "My boots even look good in the morning." "Why is my credit card out?" "Oh, you went online and bought the kids at the tutor center a computer." "What?" "Oh, crap." "I have done some awful things when I'm drunk, but buying a computer for needy kids, that's a new low." "Nonsense, Chelsea." "Admit it." "You've got a big heart." "Oh, look it." "Olivia has a big man." "Thank you for everything." "Take a powerbar and a complimentary toothbrush on your way out." "Um, when did that happen?" "I perked up around 4 A.M., walked across the hall, and knocked on Duane's door." "That was not Duane." "I know." "Duane moved out 2 weeks ago, but I have to say, I think we traded up." "All right, I need your advice on a decision I have to make." "I bought these boots, but I also bought a computer for needy kids, and I can't afford them both." "What do I do?" "Oh, I already told the kids about the computer." "I couldn't hold it in." "I'm sorry, Chelsea." "Oh, it's OK." "I know what I have to do." "God, this is the saddest I've ever been pulling down a zipper." "[Applause]" "You've gotta feel good." "Yeah." "It does feel good." "And it didn't even require batteries." " You bought us the computer?" " Yeah." "Aren't you worried I'll steal it?" "I'm sorry." "I got that one completely wrong." "Don't feel that bad, 'cause I was going to steal it." "Really?" "Nah." "I just didn't want you to feel that bad." "Really?" "Nah." "I was gonna steal it." "I'm just messing with you, but thanks for the computer." "You're welcome." "You know how you could pay me back?" "By hooking you up with some of the insane chronic my cousin grows by this garage?" "Well, I was gonna say by reading a book, but if something were to just appear in my purse..." "Hey, Chelsea..." "I was kidding." "Good news." "We just got a new volunteer, so since you were so nice and generous," "I'm gonna sign your paper so you don't have to come back." "Oh." "Thanks, Dee Dee." "Absolutely." "You've gone above and beyond." "Great." "Ahem." "You know, I think I might hang out for a little bit." "I think..." "I think Warren needs me." "Yeah?" "Yeah, look at him." "He's typing away." "He's probably looking up porn." "You know someone's gotta teach him how to clear the browser history." "All right, you guys." "Taste the bacontini." "Ooh." "Oh, that is fantti yeah?" "You know, gin usually make me mean, but the fat has a calming effect." "Good." "Good." "You know, I'm gonna enter the greater New York event next week." "Good luck, you son of a bitch!" "Oh, hey." "Uh, I heard you did something nice for some kids today." "[Scoffs] Yeah, don't remind me." "Yeah, well, I wanted to do something nice for you." "Oh, my God." "You bought me those boots?" "Open it up." "[Laughs] Man!" "So this is the future inventor of the bacontini." "Yeah, I liked bacon back then, too."