"Persons and events in this motion picture are mostly fictitious." "Any similarity to actual persons or events is unintentional except for the scathing portrayal of celebrities, law enforcement officials, and basically everybody else." "No animals were harmed during the making of this movie except for the poodle, but we never liked him anyway." "Good day, my name is Derrick, homicide." "Munich is Safe!" "Crime Rate at 0.00 percent!" "Derrick has a special mission in Lapland!" "For over 30 years, I've successfully shown every felon and thug in Munich that crime doesn't pay." "This has been my mission in life, my reason for being." "During all this time, I've only known one true failure." "His name is Klein, Harry Klein." "Hello, Stephan." "It's Willy." "We've a report of domestic violence in Greenwood, 12 Paradise Lane." " Can't it wait?" " Understood, step on it!" "But Stephan, I can handle it myself." "You gotta get to the airport." "It's your first trip out of town!" "Maybe, but Munich needs me more." "You know where Paradise Lane is?" "No." "But that's why I bought this personal navigator!" "Personal what?" "Hi Harry, I'm your personal navigation system!" "Please fasten your seat belt!" "Now, where would you like to go?" " 12 Paradise Lane." " Who are you talking to?" "It's the latest technology." "You choose the voice, the president...!" "And whose voice did you select?" "My mommy's!" "My name is Klein, Harry Klein." "For 30 years, I've been Inspector Derrick's trusty assistant." "Without me, he'd be nowhere!" "The old fart couldn't solve a crime without me." "How would he get there?" "I'll show him I'm not a chauffeur, I'm the world's best detective!" "Here we are!" "Harry, we're late and this is not Paradise Lane!" "He's always got to have the last word, all he does is bitch!" "We have now reached the crime scene." "Harry, try not to eat the evidence this time." "Let's go Harry, before the body cools down." "Why are we here again?" "Just my luck, in 30 years it's always been the same villa!" "This is Louise, my personal secretary." "You mean she was your personal secretary!" "Actually, I haven't fired her yet." "We were discussing who'd represent Germany at the Euro Song Contest." " Could we skip ahead to the crime?" " Well, we heard shots." "You say you heard shots?" " Yes, shots." " Seven shots." " Seven gun shots." " It was suicide, Inspector." "She shot herself seven times!" "?" "Pop music has been known to drive a person mad but seven shots seem technically impossible." "I dare say, she was never very good with a gun...!" "At least she was persistent!" "Ladies and gentlemen, time is of the essence on account of my police assignment to Lapland." "Hands up everybody she was sleeping with." "One, two, three...!" "Now, hands up everybody she was blackmailing." "Ha, the answer is obvious." "I believe you each took turns shooting her." "For now, you are under arrest, all of you!" "One, two, three, four, five, six." "But that only accounts for six shots!" "Uh, I accidentally shot her twice." " Who?" "Never mind, Harry...!" " I'm going already!" "I swear the next murder will be his." "Pop music has wreaked havoc everywhere causing stupidity, insanity, even anarchy throughout the world." "Meanwhile, the offenders live unmolested behind the walls of their palaces." "It's a dirty business!" "Bingo!" "Arno, you are by far the greatest, despite what everyone says!" "How righty-right you are, babe!" "And I'm going all the way to the top!" "Mark your calendars, just five more days until my big comeback!" " That's right, Mr Hello!" " You're gonna win, boss!" "So boys, where are my latest lyrics?" "Dazzle me!" ""Fly on the wings of love, baby fly reaching the stars above, touching the sky. "" "What am I paying you idiots for?" "Sorry, Mr Hello." "Was that too many clichés?" "It's the Euro Song Contest!" "I need mindless clichés and sappy lyrics!" "Here, take a break!" "OK, Dr Zark, ray gun report!" "It looks like a hairdryer!" "Hairdryer!" "Very funny, Mr Hello!" "You see, the diffuser will scramble the brain waves of the viewers to dramatically heighten the emotional appeal of your performance at precisely the right moment." "Allow me to demonstrate!" "It's not quite finished." "Patent pending!" "Intensify the potentiator frequency and the gamma wave sub-quadrature will increase by a factor of 1.7." "I used to clean for Einstein!" "Never heard of him." "Zark, your invention had better work or...!" "Mr Hello, the Euro Song media show starts in an hour." "No!" "I can't take this kind of pressure!" "How can I repeat the success of "Love, Love, More Love"?" "But it's not about the music." "People are dying to see you!" "You really mean it?" "Everyone, who's the greatest singer in the world?" "Arno Hello is the greatest." "Despite what everyone says!" "Harry, I only packed the essentials." "Somebody should pack you away, for good!" "Hurry up, Harry." "Airport parking costs a fortune!" "Like you've ever spent a cent, you tightwad!" "Hello everyone, for today's episode of "Fallen Stars and Forgotten Celebrities" we're outside the home of Mr One Hit Wonder himself, Arno Hello!" "Oh, we're in luck." "Here he comes now." "It's his tour bus, hired groupies and even more hired groupies!" "This must be my lucky day!" "Run them over!" "Let me, I'll do it myself!" "You're fired!" "Anyone raised by nuns will understand my pain!" "Sir, here's the newest opinion poll for the song contest." "Tell me I'm first, right?" "Actually, the "Irreplaceable Boys" are number one." "You're close behind!" " Shit!" "Number two?" " Linda and Lou are second!" "But I'm right on their tails, yes?" "Well, Little Helga is third, but just barely...!" "Fat Frank is fourth, Tina is fifth, and then you, Mr Hello, sir...!" "Sixth!" "?" "Very good, just let it all out." "You're right, but it feels so good!" "Why doesn't he board the damn plane?" "I don't know, Harry." "I should reconsider going on this trip." " Reconsider?" "Why?" " I can't leave this fool by himself!" "Just imagine if a crime were committed and I wasn't here!" "You've solved every case." "Munich's the world's safest city." "We've a zero crime rate." "But in Lapland all hell's breaking loose." "The slightest offence would make me stay!" "Your work is done here!" "Oh well, you're probably right, Harry." "Munich is clean." "As clean as a whistle." "Bon voyage, Stephan!" "Hope they lose his luggage!" "I am Harry, Harry Klein." "Chicks adore him, bad guys abhor him...!" "We're here for this year's Euro Song contestants' press conference." "First up, the captivating Tina will sing her song "I Give You My Heart"." "Where do you think you're going, Harry?" "Don't lie." "This is about a woman, isn't it?" "Don't you remember what happened last time?" "What do you mean last time?" "I haven't had a date in 20 years!" "But wasn't she the one who wrote the book "Men are Pigs" afterwards?" "Thanks Linda and Lou!" "Let me introduce the top of the polls and favourites in Germany." "Stupid polls!" "Join me now in welcoming the "Irreplaceable Boys" with their super-mega hit:" ""High on you!"" "Ladies and gentlemen, this is pure pandemonium." "The fans are going crazy, screaming wildly, tossing stuffed animals fresh flowers and jumbo polka-dotted undies on stage!" "Dominic puked all over me!" " Me too!" " Me too!" "My career has spanned decades, yet each case presents new challenges." "And yet, I've learned one thing after all these years:" "The secret to successful police work is a highly-developed sense of perception, not to mention a well rounded and broad education." "For example, did you know that the temperature outside will drop one degree every 100 metres?" "Oh my gosh!" "Everything's under control, no need to panic!" "I could get used to this!" " Inspector, protect us please!" " Tina!" "Look, that's cool!" "Run to me, darling!" "Good day, my name is Derrick." "Homicide." " Oh, Inspector!" " Harry, grab my luggage!" "He's dead meat!" "What's your relationship to the missing band?" " I'm the manager." " I see, did the...!" "Irreplaceable!" "Yes, yes, the boys choir." "Did they have any enemies?" "No!" "They were the nicest kids on earth!" "Nobody will ever be able to take their place!" "I see!" "Hey, you over there!" "You!" "You!" "You!" "You!" "And you!" "Yes, you five come with me!" "Next!" "Whoops!" "Elfriede Mitzenheim." "I'm a reporter!" "Did you see anything unusual?" "I once saw a two-headed chicken, does that count?" "Next!" "Excuse me, aren't you the...!" "?" "The one and only Arno Hello?" "You must remember my hit "Hello, Goodbye", "Love, Love, More Love"." " Who do I make this out to?" " Put that away." " My name is Inspector Derrick." " But you know who I am?" "My song was number one in 105 countries, including Bavaria!" "Bavaria is a state, not a country." "I love a cop with a sense of humour!" "Really, where?" "Never mind." "Were you near the balloon when it took off?" "You think I had something to do with their deaths?" "You're assuming that the young men are dead?" "Everyone knows the temperature drops one degree every 100 metres!" "I ask you, as an important witness, not to leave the city!" "Are you crazy?" "I have to stay!" "This will be my greatest triumph, I'm not running away!" "May I present the "New Irreplaceable Boys", go for it!" "Stephan, this was obviously an accident." "You can take the next flight and leave the rest to me!" " We just found this!" " It was murder!" "Harry grows dumber every day." "Harry, my trip is cancelled!" "Damn know-it-all!" "Good morning, Inspector!" "Harry, quit fooling around." "Linda and Lou, Fat Frank, Little Helga, Tina and Arno Hello." "They were all behind the Boys in the polls." "Therefore they each had a motive and an opportunity." "Hmm, wait a second!" "Who is this scoundrel?" "That's the face of a criminal!" "Look at those beady eyes!" "Good job, Sherlock!" "You just found your new ID!" "One down, four to go!" "Ah, Dr Strangeglove!" "Good news, my greatest invention is almost done!" " Is it gonna blow up again?" " No!" "Once someone is struck by the gamma waves, we can control his behaviour!" "No shit?" "Total control?" "There are still a few bugs." "I could demonstrate the effect on an animal." "First, I must set it to dog frequency." "Then you have to bark, em, speak here!" "What should I say to the little pooch?" "I know, my greatest hit!" "That's too much love, Doc!" "Uh oh, what range does this thing have?" "Apparently much further than I thought!" "Let's get outta here!" "Hurry!" "Your gun's gotta work this weekend, Doc!" " It just needs a few adjustments!" " Start adjusting or your history!" "But I shouldn't just rely on a ray gun and a pack of hounds!" "What did Sister Tormenta always say?" ""God helps those who help themselves. " Um, Ms Schmutz." "Yes, Mr Hello?" "We need a little memorial service for the Boys!" "Invite all my competitors, I mean my friends!" "Yes, Willy?" "The lab has conclusively determined that the rope was cut on purpose." "Just as I thought!" "Harry, let's get a closer look at the suspects!" " OK, but where do we begin?" " Always at the beginning!" " With "A", as in Arno Hello." " Isn't that "H" for Hello?" "I mean normally, when you start alphabetically...!" "Harry, stop babbling and do what your boss says!" "I should've chosen Pamela Anderson!" "All of Munich's rich and famous are here." "Don't do anything to embarrass me, Harry!" "Someday I'll bump both of them off!" "Typical, I can't take this pip-squeak anywhere!" "The world of music mourns, having lost five wonderful young men!" "They reached for the stars, and froze in the atmosphere!" "Please observe a moment of silence for the "Irreplaceable Boys"." "Hey, shit happens!" "Let's party!" "Just my luck, 30 years of the same celebrity parties, with this idiot!" "Harry, I sense that something's been troubling you!" "You noticed?" "Stephan, now that we're alone, can I ask you something?" "I never mentioned this before, but I'm under a lot of pressure...!" " Maybe it's a bladder infection?" " What?" "Of course, it could also be your prostate." "Unbelievable, now the idiot thinks he's a doctor!" "Good news, the "New Irreplaceable Boys" have been allowed to compete in the contest!" "That's wonderful." "You should celebrate with the girls." "So Boys, who's up for a round of hide and seek?" "Now, just keep going straight." "Even the mutt is against me!" "Lou!" "Have you been at the caviar again?" "Poor pooch has more gas than Exxon." "He's jittery because of the big contest!" "May we safely assume, that you, in all likelihood will represent our country at the Euro Song Contest?" " Who else!" "?" " Perhaps the Boys' murderer!" " Having fun?" " Five at once, it's great!" "Enjoy it, I've got some other business!" "Be very careful, Mr, um, Miss Linda." "If someone is targeting contestants, you and the rodent could be next." "Lou will protect me, won't you, cutie pie?" "Lou, sweetheart?" "Where are you?" "Oh my gosh, where did he go?" "A balloon with hair, far out!" " Isn't that...!" "?" " Oh no, Lou!" "Good heavens!" "Hopefully she won't have to drop out of the contest!" "Without Lou, she doesn't have a chance!" "Wouldn't that be unfortunate, Mr Hello?" "Well, Inspector, I can't remember inviting you!" "Where there's a crime, that's my party!" "I never get cool lines like that." "Tasty!" "Mr Hello, I've a hunch you're more involved in this than you let on." "Too bad that a hunch isn't evidence!" "Oh well, behind every dark cloud is a platinum record!" "Please Lord, don't let him sing again!" "Why am I surrounded by imbeciles?" "The simple onion, a good metaphor for life." "The more layers you peel away, the more you expose until nothing is left but the truth." "And the tears in your eyes." "Instead of exchanging recipes, you should be out finding the killer!" "That's what I intend to do." "Big mouth." "Inspector, there's been another tragedy!" "The "New Irreplaceable Boys" have all been run over!" "They were one-of-a-kind, simply irreplaceable." "Although they wouldn't be too bad." "Hey, come here!" "You, you, you and you." "Boy, they have bad luck." "My gut says it was an accident." "This isn't about your stomach, but about another possible homicide." "Beauty Salon, Schwabing." "Wash it, perm it, screw it!" "Now comes the obligatory, sleazy underworld scene." " Hmm, 100,000 euro." " For a wash, perm, screw?" "Rip off!" "Harry, please take these matches to our colleagues in fingerprinting." " I must investigate this clue." " Typical." "I race around town, while he gets laid!" "Do you serve beer?" "A man with a sense of humour." "This one's on the house." "But I don't drink the hard stuff." "I mean, make it a double, I'm dying of thirst." "Do the names Linda and Lou mean anything to you?" "Linda and I were an item until that dog of hers showed up." "Know anyone who might be interested in arranging an accident for Lou?" "A few days ago a man offered Linda money if she'd drop out of the Contest." " Could you describe him?" " Funny hat, dark glasses, beard." "Ha, I see you comply with gastronomical regulations requiring adequate video surveillance." "We got tons of cameras." "It's fun to slip in the films, if you catch my drift." "Perhaps we could view the tapes in the back room?" "Man you don't waste any time." "Here, have another drink." "My break is in 10 minutes." "Harry, get the car!" "Harry, make me coffee!" "Harry, go to forensics!" "Harry, flush the toilet after me!" "I've been his personal slave for 30 years now!" "Small problem with five letters." "You're suffering from a classic case of "second-fiddle-syndrome. "" "Assert yourself like Dirty Harry!" "Thanks, it's the first time somebody took me seriously." "Now keep your chin up, Henry!" "My name is Harry!" "OK, it's break time, let's go!" " You're looking trendy!" " These people are so friendly." "It's a shame there aren't more women around here." " Hot stuff!" " Yeah." "What is this?" "Ouch." "I must insist you leave." " So Dr Frankenstein, is it ready?" " Almost." "I've made some final adjustments." "Don't talk, show me, OK." "Love, love, love, more love." "Oops, it's still on dog frequency!" "I think I'm falling in love." "Turn it off!" "Off, off." " Was it good for you too, sir?" " Time is running out, Doc." "It's a matter of life and death!" "Uh, Mr. Hello?" "Someone named Derrick is on the phone." "Ouch." "Hello Inspector!" "You reconsider the autograph?" "New evidence has emerged." "Please come to my office immediately." "Too bad." "I've a date with my solarium!" "No problem, we have one here!" "I'd like to know why I'm sitting here!" "Me too." "Is it Halloween today?" "Wait, he looks just like you!" "I believe the facts speak for themselves!" "So you got me." "OK, I was there." "I tried to convince Linda and Lou that they didn't have a chance." " I didn't to be disappoint them." " That was nice of you!" "That doesn't mean I killed the "Irreplaceable Boys" or Lou." "As much as they deserved to die painfully!" "The evidence against you is overwhelming, though I do admit that in my other cases the prime suspect was never the culprit." "All I ask is that the press don't get wind of this, OK." "By law we must release the results of every investigation." "No please, you can't do this." "I'll be disqualified from the contest for attempted bribery." " Please, you can't!" " Stop you're making me cry." "I get it." "You're trying to scare me, right?" "Listen up." "I was raised by nuns in an orphanage." "Sister Tormenta was twice as big as you." "Nuns don't get that big." "So long, call me when you get some real proof!" "You let him go?" "He'll be back, that's the ladies room." "Gimme that!" "Next time you want to throw your money away, invest in the Dow Jones." "Ms Schmutz, I got a little job for Pussy Bimbo." "She needs to take Derrick out." "Forever!" "Harry, Harry, get the door." " Inspector!" " Not interested." "These Jehovah Witnesses are getting more brazen." "Inspector, you must help me." "A man just assaulted me, see for yourself, he tore my blouse." "Do you like what you see?" " No." " No?" "I'd hoped to find some fingerprints." "He must have been wearing gloves." "I want hot, wild sex all night long...!" "Well, then I won't keep you any longer, and about your blouse you might pin it shut so you don't catch a cold." "Here we are." "Harry, open your eyes, try to do what your boss tells you!" "Oh, bite me, Mom." " That's no way to talk to your mom." " She started it!" "The idiot arguing with his car." "Is there no stopping him?" "He won't quit until somebody's behind bars!" " Then time for another suspect." " We're ready." "Did you learn to sing at the orphanage?" " No, in the shower." " So what do we do now, Stephan?" "Nothing." "We stay calm and wait for the murderer to strike again." "Won't that be too late?" "Possibly." "But our work would be much easier if the contestants simply killed off each other and spared humanity from their awful music." "Now the arsehole thinks he's a music critic." "Good news!" "The "Really New Irreplaceable Boys" have been allowed to compete." "I'm so relieved!" "Go get a drink, that's a hell of a reason to get smashed." "Hey boys, need a break?" "Bet you never saw the fantastic view from the roof!" " Cool." " Awesome!" "Can't wait." "Could we listen to Tina before we go?" "Please, please, please?" "For once say "yes", Stephan." "Yes, you twit." "I give you my heart, and I don't want it back." "I'd rather give her Harry and finally be rid of him." "Come down." "Stephan, did you see that?" "Tina finds me attractive, she winked at me!" "Could be, or maybe she has something in her eye." "But I'm handsome, right?" " No, not in the slightest." " No?" " And your stupidity makes it worse." " I don't get it." " That's precisely the point." " The best seats are up front!" "Is it raining?" "She's quite limber for a woman her age." "Give me a hand, Harry." "I normally wait for the coroner's report but it's safe to say this woman is dead." "I guess the excitement was too much for her." "No, the 40,000 volts were too much for her." "Everybody stay where you are." "Well, well, Inspector." "Once again our paths cross." "Somebody crossed these wires!" "But was it a mistake or was it murder?" "You're slipping up." "Yet another death you couldn't prevent." "I can't believe it." "The "Really New Irreplaceable Boys" jumped off the roof." "Here's the suicide note." ""We can't go on, because we know we could never compete with a true star like Arno Hello. "" "What a tragic day." "Especially tragic for you, Mr. Hello because I'm going to arrest you!" "All this dying is making me hungry." "Where's my lunch box?" "I'm starving." "And I'm scared to death." "This doesn't look good." "Got you." "Hey, Stephan, I just solved the case!" "Me, the Great Harry Klein!" "Don't jump the gun, Harry, let's face the facts first." "Anyone planning to manipulate an electrical cable knows just how long it can take to restore the power." "So to ensure he doesn't have to wait in the dark he brings a, what do we have here?" "A candle." "And pliers!" "Fat Frank, I'm arresting you for the murder of Little Helga." "But I'm innocent!" "It'd appear that you are off the hook, for now." "No hard feelings!" "We all make mistakes!" "Ladies and gentlemen, in this episode of "Slain Stars and Killer Celebrities" we've just witnessed Inspector Derrick arresting the murderer of Little Helga!" "No!" "It was me, the Great Harry Klein." "I found the evidence." "Inspector, how did you solve the case so quickly?" "Congratulations!" "It was me!" "Good work, Inspector." "Some things never change." "I do all the work and he gets all the credit." " Fantastic." " You're simply the best." "How could I have been so wrong, Harry?" "I was certain that Arno Hello was the killer." "I guess you can teach an old dog new tricks." "With this case closed, you can take your assignment." "I suppose." "I'll fly to Lapland tomorrow." " You can help with my suitcase." " Hope it's a one-way ticket!" "Only three days left, I can't wait for the next poll result." "I'm sure you've moved up, there's only you and Tina left." "That's still too much competition for my taste." "Too bad the killer is behind bars now, right!" "?" "Maybe he is, maybe he isn't!" "Finally." "Gone!" "Ha ha." " Hello." " Yea, whatever." " Damn, it doesn't fit." " What did you say?" " It's simply too big." " Too big." "Maybe I wasn't wrong?" "But sir, you can't just...!" "My name is Derrick, and yes I can!" "What's that pip-squeak up to?" "I am Harry, Harry Klein chicks adore him, bad guys abhor him." "To the rehearsal hall, Harry." "Step on it!" "But your plane?" "I'll explain later." "We have a murder to re-enact." "Hey Stephan, these tights are murder on my crotch." "Harry, you're the only one who fits in size four." "Go to the microphone." "Willy, Gentlemen, pay close attention." "Everything should be exactly as it was yesterday." "Something's missing." "Of course, the power was on." " Um, Stephan." " Later, Willy." "Let's try to reconstruct the murder as closely as possible first." "In order to transform the microphone into a deadly weapon we'd have needed to go into the electrical control room over there!" "Harry, stop fooling around." "A man's life is at stake here!" "Mr Fat Frank, please go inside the room." " Sorry, but I can't, Inspector." " Exactly." "You couldn't have tampered with the controls in there because you don't fit." "Our murderer is still at large." "Can we do the re-enactment again, please Stephan?" "No, we're off to arrest Arno Hello." "But we still don't have any proof." "He's not afraid of anything." "Everyone is afraid of something, Harry." "And I have an idea." " S-S-Sister T-T-Tormenta." " Hello, my little Hello." "It's been a long time since our last confession." " I've b-been a g-good little boy." " Is that so?" "Not the ruler." "Please." "Then tell me what sins you've committed since we last met?" "Everything I tell you is confidential, right?" " Spit it out!" " L-I-I." "I rid the world of three shitty boy bands, one whining pooch and an old wind bag and I framed a fat jackass for everything." "But I'll never do it again." "Take your punishment like a man, 10,000 Hail Marys." "And you can say them in a federal penitentiary!" "You knew that Derrick and this thing were here all along?" "!" "Hey I have feelings too!" "I'd do anything for Inspector Derrick." "After all, he's the Pope's favourite!" "Mr Hello, grab the ladder!" "Absolutely irresponsible." "Who'll go get the car now?" "Moooommmmm!" "Steeeephaaannnn!" "That disgusting thing is still on our tail." "Shake him off!" "Moommmmyyy!" "Ah, Herbert." "Late as usual!" "My name is Harry, Harry Klein." "I'm the real hero here." "But I always have to do the donkey work!" "Just make sure people start taking you seriously." "Learn to say "NO"." "That'll be 350 euro!" "Next time Stephan wants something, I'll say NO!" "Learn to say, No." "Learn to say, "No"!" "Why is he gawking like this?" "Harry, would you like a...?" " No!" " Black with sugar?" "Now I showed him the ropes!" "I could do something for your promotion." " No." " OK then." "Um, or, maybe?" "!" "Anyone want a doughnut?" "Cheers, Harry." "No, chrome-dome." "Go play in traffic, and shut the door." "Derrick." "Yes." "Understood." "Alright, I will." "Arno wants to turn himself in, three o'clock at the old warehouse." "I'm supposed to go alone." "Oh sure, alone." "So you can hog all the glory as usual." "Why can't I come along?" "It could be a deadly trap." "Well, if a man said to go alone, you should go alone." " Did you get everything?" " Just like we planned." "The moment of truth is here." "Derrick has ruined my career, at a time when today's youth need positive role models, so let's give them a martyr!" "Alone at last!" "I could get used to this." "Damn!" "My last one!" "Ha!" "Murder or no murder?" "That's the question." "Hello Harry, the lab confirmed that these are Arno Hello's dentures." "They are all that's left of him." "They were probably the best thing about that singing scrap heap." "Whatever you say, Harry." "Ladies and gentlemen on this week's episode of "Funerals of Forgotten Stars" we'll take a sneak peek behind the wake of Arno Hello, whose career finally took off!" "Farewell, Arno!" "He never looked better." "He's also getting fatter every day!" "My big chance!" "Hey babe, you come here often?" "Rest in peace, Arno." " We're on the air." " OK." "How do you explain your success, Inspector?" "Well, it's elementary." "The key to detective work is to never let the criminal or victims out of your sight!" "Those are rules number one, two, three and four." "We'll sleep better knowing you're protecting us." "Who are you?" "Arno?" "But you're dead." "They found your dentures." "I know." "I had to make the world fink I'm dead fo Derrick would cioff the cafff." "What is this?" "I have to perform at the Euro Song Contest the day after tomorrow." "Faf you will, fo foo feak." "Three miles to the airport." "Desired destination:" "Lapland." "Stephan, promise me this time you won't jump out of the plane." " I promise." " Good." "Because I won't be boarding the plane just yet." "What?" "But why not?" "Harry, I have a theory." "Did you bring your wellingtons?" "Stephan, aren't there laws against this kind of thing?" "I am the law, Harry." "Besides, this is an official investigation!" "Ah!" "What was that?" "A zombie crying out for the blood of the living." "Help!" "Sorry Harry, I have no idea how that line got into the script." "Welcome to my grave." "Thanks for mourning me." "Harry, be careful where you step!" "And now, remove the lid." " You go first!" " This is grave robbing!" "No Harry, at the most we are guilty of disturbing the deceased." "Of course, that would require there being a body for us to disturb." "I knew it, this grave is toothless." "Well darling, you're about to meet somebody who is very close to you." "Let her rip, Doctor Jekyll!" "Abracadabra!" "Yeah!" "You're...!" "You're sort of like me." "And none of those twits will ever know the difference." "Ouch!" "Leave it, it's glued!" "Except that your voice sounds like George Bush!" "Never heard of him!" "No problem!" "We will use the vocal-chip." "Is that better?" "Aren't I just the cutest, sweetest thing?" "Attractive and sexy." "With this disguise, I'm guaranteed access to the Song Contest." "And I'll flood this poor sick world with the wonderful music of Arno!" "They'll thank me forever!" "I don't think so, your songs all sound the same." "And because Derrick believes I'm dead, nothing can stop me!" "Get it?" "!" "I still don't get it." "OK, last time." "The teeth were gone because Arno wanted them back." "Why?" "He's dead!" "?" "That's what he wants us to think." "I suspect that Arno Hello lives." "I believe he'll be out for revenge against the entire music industry." "We must cancel the Euro Song Contest." "Hold on, you mean Tina is in danger?" "I have to protect her!" "Harry, not again!" "He's always been a fruitcake, just like his father." " Thank goodness, you're all right." " Why wouldn't I be?" "Derrick figured out that Arno isn't really dead." "Oh sugar!" "I mean, really?" "Yes." "And I'm going to stay here to ensure he doesn't harm you." "What else has Derrick learned?" "I can tell he's lucky to have you as an assistant!" "Yes, that's what I say." "Without me he wouldn't solve any case!" "How does Derrick plan to prove that Arno is alive?" "Tell me, my hero!" "Hero?" "Darling, I knew you would love me for who I really am!" "Well I...!" "Sorry, I got something caught in my throat." "So, tell me everything about Derrick's plan." "Later, darling, later." "And now we switch to Sky Sports!" "His name is Harry, Harry Klein." "Chicks adore him, bad guys abhor him." "You're certain, you can't stop Derrick cancelling the contest?" "Yes, my dear, dead certain." "I've learned that Arno is planning revenge on the music industry." "You learned?" "Don't make me laugh!" "I don't believe for a second that Arno is still alive." "Well...!" "Thanks for the interesting night." "But I was going to stay with you." "Oh!" "No!" "No!" "No, you just piss off!" "Schmutz!" "That ray gun had better work today!" " It's my last chance!" " I'll go help the doctor." "And tip-off that Mitzenheim-hag that Derrick wants to give her a big headline at lunch today!" " Good morning, Stephan." " You're three hours late." "So what?" "The sun's out, the birds are singing and Tina and I are in love." "Police policy for the protection of the civilian population forbids any kind of personal relationship while on duty!" "I imagined it differently but women aren't as different as I thought." "One more word and I'll strangle him." "Inspector, I hear you have a big headline for me, an exclusive story?" "Aim right at him." " I have Derrick lined up perfectly." " Excellent!" "Now speak into this." "Derrick, you are passionately in love with Elfriede Mitzenheim!" "I'm afraid you have the wrong department, we've no time to chat." "We're on the biggest case of our lives!" "Stephan, do you have any scissors?" "Give it here." "Are you too stupid to shoot?" "!" "Hold on, I've made several changes." "Careful!" "I could swear that it hit him." "Maybe we should try a higher frequency." "I got a tip that you're on to a hot new trail?" "Has Harry been leaking secrets again?" "That's impossible!" "Full power, as high as it goes!" "But we can't possibly know what the consequences might be." "All life on earth could suddenly cease to exist." "Who cares?" "We're talking about my career here!" "Like every good citizen, I believe in freedom of the press but I don't have time today." "Stephan, this was just delivered for you." "If you'll excuse me, this is an emergency!" "Dammit, he's moving!" "Something's protecting him." "Take her, you Viagra Junkie, jump her!" "Wait!" "Ms Mitzenheim, perhaps we can get together." "I could show you that hot trail or maybe even my rubber club...!" "It worked!" "A direct hit!" "Bet you he does her right now on his desk!" "You are by far the most attractive woman to ever walk the earth." "Who me?" "Have I ever told you, how beautiful your eyes are under those lenses?" "Stephan, what has gotten into you?" "We always thought you were gay." "I even have handcuffs to lock you to my desk." "Help!" "At least invite me out to dinner first!" "Help, police!" "Reporter:" "I couldn't stop him." "Derrick:" "I couldn't control myself." "Harry:" "Stephan needs a shrink." "I don't know what came over me." "I've never even had any feelings before." "A police officer who can't control himself can't do his duty to the public or department." "Then you know what comes next." "Yes." "What are you doing?" "So your hormones went a little wild, who cares?" "!" "Don't throw everything away!" "It's no use, Harry, I'm no good here anymore!" "Whatever happens, Stephan, you can always count on Harry Klein." "Harry, mail from the commissioner!" ""To the honourable Mr Klein!" "You are hereby promoted to Chief Inspector and are to immediately assume all further investigations. "" "Yippee!" "Oleeee, olee, olee, olee, Chief Inspector Harry Klein!" "Mmm, easy come, easy go?" "This is your big chance, Harry." "You're in charge now." "Get yourself a good partner." "It makes all the difference." "Good luck." "Who needs a partner?" "!" "Hell!" "I can do it by myself!" "You talking to me?" "Are you talking to me?" "!" "After all, I am top banana!" "Don't spend it all on booze, young man!" "My name is Harry, Harry Klein." "Chicks adore him, bad guys abhor him." "Harry, since you took over there hasn't been a single arrest." "The crime rate has never been so high and you're napping again!" "Not to mention that you've charged 44,612 euro worth of roses to the department." "And all for that little singer of yours!" "Roses don't come cheap." "Now beat it!" "From the police commissioner." "It's your suspension!" "I couldn't care less." "I am the great Harry Klein." "Listen, with you and Derrick gone, I'm the new number one!" "So you can beat it!" " And now, let's party!" " Cheers!" "You're not a police officer anymore?" "You're completely cut off from the case?" "Right, my dear." "But I know it makes no difference to you." "Let's escape from all of this." "We have your music and each other." "I can't live without music, but I can without you!" "Go to hell, Harry!" "Our successful series is finally at an end." "I'm going to kill myself now." "No, Stephan, don't try to stop me." "In 10 seconds I will be dog food." "My life is pointless because Tina is...!" "She's a totally different person!" "Oh, that's it!" "I get the idea!" "The case is solved, Harry." "Harry, we've an arrest to make." "Duty calls!" "Go get the...!" "We're live here tonight at the Euro Song Contest!" "Who will be the winner?" "We'll all know soon enough." "As for tonight's performers, it's a matter of life and death!" "Help!" "Get me out of here!" "You can truly feel the tension of the participants." "The police department has personally guaranteed that all will run smoothly and without difficulties." " Lf this man...!" " May I?" "If these men appear on screen, please contact the police or Bart Simpson immediately." "Yes, it just goes to show how important it is to take a woman out to dinner before trying anything else!" "It seems we've been banned from the festivities." "The show's starting in one minute." "Where will I ever find two boys?" "In order to achieve maximum efficiency the bomb must be planted in the centre of the auditorium." "Where on earth are we now?" "Fat Frank!" "It's a miracle!" "I've just been told our favourite boy group is complete again!" "We thank Fat Frank!" "That's Arno Hello, arrest him!" "Don't be ridiculous, I'm Tina." "Arrest him!" "Come on, Harry, we're back on the case!" "Wait, Stephan, she's still my girl." "What do you want from me?" " I'm the real Tina!" " No, I'm the real Tina!" " I'm the real one!" " I'm the real one!" "Stephan, can you tell me what's going on here?" "Please." "Oh, thanks." "Harry, you wouldn't understand it!" "Arno Hello, in the name of the law, I order you to surrender!" "Ladies and gentlemen, only one of these Tinas is real." " Yes, me!" " That's ridiculous, I am!" "Oh, Stephan, please let me handle this." "Here!" "Here she is." "Oh my gosh, I kissed him, tongue and all!" "How did you know that it was me?" "The power of observation." "The real Tina does not wear a chest hair toupee!" "Arno Hello, you are under arrest." "You have the right to remain silent." "And you have the right to hear the best singer of all time." "Or should I push this button instead and blow the auditorium to bits?" "Start the music!" "You asked for it!" "The big bang, live and in colour!" "Maybe we should just let him sing!" "No, Harry." "The only question is whether he is willing to kill his own flesh and blood?" " What?" " She's more than just your maid." "What?" "Ms Schmutz is your mother!" "Yes, my son." "When you were a baby, I traded you for a bottle of Irish Whiskey." "You ended up with the nuns." "Later you had your big hit and I became your maid." "Out of shame, I never told you who I really am." "Mama!" "It's Harry-Time!" "Ladies and gentlemen, the telephones are ringing off the hook." "The viewers have decided the winner of the Euro Song Contest are the "Even More New Irreplaceable Boys" featuring Stephan Derrick and Harry Klein!" "Now we can run away together, just like I suggested." "Actually you suggested that to Arno." "I'm still interested." "However Harry, because you did solve this complicated case...!" "Derrick deserves the credit." "He figured out Arno wasn't dead." "We both deserve the credit, Harry." "Isn't that how it's supposed to be with partners?" "And because you saved all our lives, you will always be my prince." "It's just like a fairy tale!" "You called me partner!" "Yes, yes." "Stephan, there's one thing I still don't understand." "How did you know that Ms Schmutz was Arno's mother?" "Through an interesting combination of deductions." "First, I recognised the tone she used with Mr Hello." " Just like your own loving mother?" " No, like your Navigation System." "Hmmm?" "Speaking of which, look our car is here." "That means that we're back on duty." "No, not quite." "I'm taking you to Lapland for a beer." "Really?" "I get to go with you to Lapland?" "!" "Great!" "Yes, Harry." "Now go get the...!" "Uh, uh." "Don't say it." "It's the least I can do." " Wrong remote control?" " Yeah." "It can happen to anyone." "Partner, Harry, go get the sledge!" "I think this is the beginning of a wonderful friendship." "Don't overdo it, Harry." "I think this is the end!"