"(upbeat march plays)" "♪ Good morning, USA!" "♪ I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪" "♪ The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪" "♪ And he's shining a salute to the American race ♪" "♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say" "♪ Good..." "♪ Good morning, USA" "Aah!" "♪ Good morning, USA!" "(humming)" "What are you so happy about?" "Just my life, I guess." "It's pretty perfect, like these muffins." "Try one." "Oh, never drop a muffin in a fish bowl!" "TERRY:" "Thanks for that delicious summer salad," "Susan, you've got lipstick on your teeth." "Next up, we're talking about our favorite subject here on Morning Glory: holes!" "And today's hole comes in the form of a well." "The well that Baby Franny fell into 35 years ago." "And it turns out that that little girl who fell into that hole and our homes and our hearts and our houses lives right here in our very own Langley Falls." "Yeah." "Mom fell into a well?" "Wait, your mom was a baby?" "Oh!" "Mom, mom, mom!" "Come, come, come!" "What's all the fu...ss?" "Let's take a look back now, 35 years, to that spellbinding day..." "Ooh, spellbinding, yeah." "Firefighter Henry Watkins has just descended into the collapsed well." "Mom, I can't believe you didn't tell us you were Baby Franny." "It was no big deal." "I am officially declaring this the biggest deal in the world." "I feel like we all feel-- stuck in that well with her." "It's cold and dark and I'm confused." "Nancy, is it normal for a teenage girl like myself to be so disoriented?" "Hup!" "Hold on, something is now being pulled up from the well and..." "Whoa, whoa, I want to see if you live." "Mom, how could you never tell us about this?" "You're a big deal." "No, I'm not a big deal!" "I just fell down a hole, no different from when you kids fell out of my verjerj." "Look, I just want to forget it, okay?" "Turn it back on." "We'd love to have Baby Franny on our little show, but she hasn't returned our many phone calls." "What a bitch." "We're still on." "Of a show we've got coming up!" "We got to get Mom on that show." "They want to celebrate her." "I don't know, she's still upset about what happened." "But maybe people celebrating her would help her get past it." "Like how the cheers of his fans helped Kobe get over that Denver incident." "Thanks for a fun night, Graham." "I know you're worried, but there's really no way your wife could know about us." "(car leaving)" "What'cha doing, fatso?" "I had to take a duke and I didn't want to wake Francine, so I came down here." "God, naked men look so stupid in shoes." "I do look pretty dumb." "Women look hot wearing only shoes." "Yeah, because they make kick-ass female stripper shoes." "Meanwhile, no one's making..." "BOTH:" "Male stripper shoes." "(cash register rings) My eyes!" "Not again!" "Ow!" "(grunting and moaning)" "Ow!" "So, Mom, this is the new waffle place we've been telling you about." "This is a restaurant?" "I thought this was the news studio." "(audience applause)" "What did you kids do?" "Everyone wanted to see you." "You're a national treasure." "No, look, you don't understand." "And here she is now" "Baby Franny!" "(laughs)" "(chanting):" "Baby Franny!" "ALL:" "Baby Franny!" "Baby Franny!" "AUDIENCE:" "Baby Franny!" "Baby..." "Shut up!" "Thank you." "And thank you, Francine, for being here." "Francine, as you know, next week is the 35th anniversary of the "hole" thing." "(giggles)" "And your hometown of Grundy is planning a huge celebration to honor you." "They are?" "Yes, but first, we all remember that brave hero" "Henry Watkins, who died-- aw-- while saving Baby Franny." "Somebody died to save Mom?" "Well, Henry Watkins might have died, but his wife and son didn't." "Daughter killed herself." "Let's give a big Morning Glory hole-hearted welcome to Margaret and Henry Jr.!" "(crowd applauds)" "Oh, look at you, all grown up." "Henry would have loved to see you like this, with your great adult body." "He loved adult women with great bodies." "ALL:" "Aw..." "Tell us, Henry Jr., what have you been doing with yourself since the... well, incident?" "Well incident." "(snickers)" "Well..." "Well, there it is again." "Well... what?" "Wel-- um..." "I've been trying my hardest to make my dead dad proud, you know." "I'm an astronaut and I'm helping build a space station on the moon." "(audience applauds)" "But enough about me." "I can't wait to hear what Francine's done with the gift my father gave her, the gift of life." "Francine." "Tell us." "What... did... you... do... with... your... gift... of..." "life?" "Oh... (laughing)" "I want to tell everyone all the great things I've done with my life." "Um... um..." "Um-um-um-um-um-um-um." "Bop-bop-bop-bop-bop." "(making odd noises)" "Oh, my God, she's having a nervous breakdown." "(clucking)" "What my mom's trying to say is that she'll tell everyone what she's done with her life, uh, next week at the big event." "Thank you!" "When we come back, local strongman Brian Lewis." "(grunting)" "Aah!" "My strength comes from above!" "Do you know how guilty I feel, knowing that firefighter died so I could live?" "And now next week I'm supposed to tell everyone what I did with that life?" "I've done nothing with my life!" "Kill yourself." "Do it." "Shut up, Klaus." "You've done stuff with your life." "You made me, Mommy." "Any dumbass can have dumbass kids." "(gasps) Mama, no." "Come on, Mom, you raised a great family." "Says my brain surgeon daughter." "Come on, Jeff, she's got Chablis mouth." "Next week I'll have to admit to the world that I've done nothing the past 35 years." "Well, there is still a week." "What could I do in a week?" "You could... write a Rob Schneider movie." "You could kill someone famous." "That worked for Courtney Love." "Or I could make male stripper shoes." "No one's done that yet." "Dumb idea." "Don't do it." "Move on." "Say something else." "He's right, it is a dumb idea." "Oh, this is useless." "We've been talking for almost a minute and come up with zero good ideas." "At this rate, we'll have zero good ideas every hour." "Hey... that's actually good math." "How'd you get so good at math?" "Oh, I've been tinkering with this fun app on my phone called "calculator."" "That's it!" "Mom, in school we learned there's seven unsolved math problems." "If you solve one you win the Millennium Math Prize:" "a million dollars and worldwide recognition." "I don't know." "You actually think I could solve one?" "Yes." "Okay." "I'm telling you, Stan, Giuseppe's the guy to make our male stripper shoes." "Eh, grazie!" "Yay, Boboli!" "STAN:" "Hmm..." "Mm-hmm..." "Look at this, what a cool biplane." "Giuseppe, did you draw this?" "Si, si..." "Trace." "I-I trace." "What?" "(no accent):" "I traced it." "Hold on, this one's not bad." "Not bad at all." "What if we make the soles slanted to get guys bowlegged, really open up the "D" area?" "Right, right." "Almost push the Bs out front." "Of course we'll need to raise some money for the prototype." "You know, Toshi's father is a venture capitalist." "I'll set up a meeting." "Perfect." "The Japanese love me." "You know, I was a huge TV star there." "(speaking Japanese rapidly)" "(car alarm blaring)" "So, after reviewing the seven unsolved math problems," "I chose the Yang-Mills Existence and Mass Gap." "I don't think I can do this." "Yes, you can." "Okay." "♪" "♪" "Six." "Uh, what's that?" "Oh, that?" "It's the answer to the Mang-Yills Existence and Mass Gap problem, nerds." "Uh, the answer won't be a number." "It'll be a new concept in math altogether." "So..." "STUDENT:" "You failed!" "Matthew!" "Matthew. (sighs) Matthew." "Matthew!" "(crash)" "Ma..." "Matthew." "M-Matthew!" "Matth..." "Matthew!" "Ma..." "(grunting)" "Matthew..." "Matthew!" "Math... you... can... under... stand..." "is... what..." "I... teach in this class." "(cheering and applause)" "The event's tomorrow." "What am I going to do?" "Falling into that well was the only exceptional thing I ever did." "Ain't never done nothing good for nobody." "Yeah, but maybe you gonna do dem good deeds on down da road for somebod'." "Are you Tara Reid?" "The fact that male stripper shoes don't already exist is unbelievable to me." "Roger and I were just talking about this on the way over." "What d I say, Roger, on the way over-- w-w-w-what did I say to you?" "I-I don't know what you're doing." "We didn't drive here together." "I came straight from physical therapy." "Well, these sketches are just fantastic." "You boys have really got your act together." "How do we feel about $30,000?" "Oh, but you only get the money on one condition." "You invite me to all the parties!" "(all laughing)" "And I'll need you to kill my wife." "This is an untraceable gun." "The business world is ruthless." "I need to know you guys have what it takes." "Kill Hiko, and you'll get your money." "Is this like an undercover police setup?" "Because if it is, I won't do it." "But if it isn't, I'll totally do it." "Repeat, will do." "We're live at the 35th anniversary of Baby Franny's rescue." "Oh, and it appears that Baby Franny herself has just arrived." "MAN:" "All right, its her!" "(crowd cheering)" "Adult Baby Franny, 35 years ago, fireman Henry Watkins died so you could live." "What have you done with that life?" "Well, I... um... (heart beating)" "(beating stops)" "Hey, careful now!" "If you fall down that well, you won't be able to answer all our questions!" "Oh, no, my lifelong tripping problem!" "(screams)" "Oh, no!" "FRANCINE:" "Whew!" "Dodged that bullet." "Everything's gonna be just fine." "Oh!" "(screams)" "(panting)" "(both scream)" "Henry?" "Is that you?" "Hi." "Henry, I can't believe you're alive!" "Baby Franny?" "Your boobs got so crazy!" "Oh, my God, this is so great!" "You're alive!" "Now I don't have to explain what I've done with my life!" "Help!" "We're down here!" "Wait, wait." "I don't want to go back up." "My whole life is down here." "As you can see, I'm quite the ladies' man." "Henry, please, I need you to come back up." "(crowd cheering)" "Keep pulling!" "Keep pulling!" "Turns out I don't have to explain what I did with my life because no one died for me." "That's right, Henry Watkins is alive!" "What is that?" "(screaming)" "(screaming)" "It's okay, Henry." "Look, it's your family!" "Oh, Margaret..." "Henry!" "(yelling)" "(crowd screams)" "Wait, come back!" "He just needs some time to readjust!" "No!" "I've become a monster!" "I'm going back in the well where I belong." "No, no, no, no, no, no, you can't!" "If you go back in that well, it's like you did die for me." "I swear you can be normal again." "I'll help you." "Oh, Francine, how can I ever thank you?" "Not like that, Henry." "Not like that." "ROGER:" "Right there." "Try to shoot her somewhere between right here and right here." "And right here, that's the pot I want." "The four-quart Le Crueset." "I'll have it forever and use it for everything." "We can't kill her, Roger." "Not for male stripper shoes." "Well, can we kill her for the pot?" "!" "'Cause it's like a hundred-dollar pot!" "Stan!" "Okay, Henry." "The first step to a normal life is getting you cleaned up." "Oh, that's a great choice, Henry." "You don't think it's too wild?" "You're gonna look great." "Henry, no!" "Ooh." "(grunts)" "(screams)" "Klaus, have you met my gorgeous friend Willem Dafoe?" "I'm kidding, it's Henry!" "Wow, really cool place." "And is this your beautiful family?" "And who's this little guy, little heartbreaker?" "Um..." "You must be exhausted." "Why don't we turn in?" "And tomorrow we'll go job hunting." "Well, let's just hope that they can't hear my thoughts." "You mad at me?" "No..." "Neither one of us could pull the trigger." "What are we gonna do?" "We have this great idea and..." "Roger!" ""Introducing the world's first male stripper shoes"?" "Hey, we invented those shoes!" "No, you didn't." "He did." "What the hell, Hideki?" "!" "I told you the business world was ruthless." "(laughing)" "You son of a bitch!" "It's okay, Big Bruce." "These are my unsavvy business friends." "Oh, come on, let me at least buy you boys a dance." "Big Rodriguez, Throb Lowe, a dance for me and my friends!" "You idiot, you used the biplane sketch for the prototype?" "!" "He just traced that for fun!" "Oh, really?" "Gentlemen, you are clear for take-it-off." "♪" "Oh, my God!" "He did it, Stan!" "Brevo, Hideki!" "Brevo!" "(Klaus screaming)" "Oh, no, oh, no!" "(screaming)" "Henry, no!" "Help!" "What's going on?" "!" "What do you think is going on?" "!" "I told you I shouldn't be up here!" "(Klaus gasps)" "Henry, wait!" "No, Henry, come back!" "You can be normal again!" "Oh, no, Henry, don't!" "Don't go back!" "I can't keep living with the guilt of knowing you gave up your life for me!" "Gave up my life?" "No, it was my choice to save you." "But I've done nothing great with the life you've saved." "Why do you have to do something great?" "You're happy." "That's all I ever wanted for you." "Boobs and happiness." "And you got 'em both in spades." "So don't be great, just be Francine." "Normal, crappy Francine." "I just wish there was some way I could pay you back." "The only thing you can do for me is to just keep being you, babe." "And maybe, like, every now and then, drop a picture of them creamy boobs down the well?" "Really?" "Yeah." "Really." "Um... okay." "Thank you, Henry Watkins." "NARRATOR:" "And Francine made good on her promise, dropping down a tasteful photograph of her bodacious cans, each and every week for the rest of her life... never knowing that Henry had died instantly after leaping head first into that dry well."