"Oh, I'm so glad you enjoyed your cruise, Mother." "Yes, you told me all about the islanders." "Please stop calling them that." "Because we don't use that word any more." "I'd love to come and see you, but I've got a cold." "Atchoo!" "See?" "Yea..." "Actually, I should lie down." "Really, I must be going, I'm very ill." "I'm hanging up, dear." "Stop talking." "Good lord, was that your mother?" "Don't tell me she managed to make it back alive again?" "Next time, you should send her somewhere really exotic, smother her with a pillow." "How dare you talk about her like that?" "Oh, please!" "All that money and the nicest present she ever gave us was breaking her leg last Christmas." "Well, I never spoke poorly of your mother." "Well, that's because my mother had the decency to know the appropriate time to die." "A characteristic you both don't share, unfortunately, although the way you look this morning," "I'll be surprised if you make it to teatime." "Ooh, bugger." "I've got to look my best." "I've got this fan club screening of my Doctor Who episode, this week." "What can I do to look younger?" "Not go?" "You'd like that, wouldn't you?" "You've always been jealous of my success." "It is sad." "I feel sad for you." "You're a poor, sad, invisible, little man." "I think one of your teeth just fell out." "I'll get it." "Any time I'm walking away from you," "I can feel the blood start returning to my veins." "Hello, Ash." "It's Ash." "Our new neighbour." "I hope it's not too early." "Of course not." "Freddie, don't stand so close to the boy." "His breath is nothing to be alarmed about, Ash, it's just his insides decaying." "Would you like a cup of tea?" "That'd be great, thanks." "Ah." "I've got a bit of a problem." "Ah?" "And..." "I don't have anyone else to talk to." "Mm." "You remember that girl from back home I told you I was seeing?" "Tracey?" "Eurgh!" "Her!" "Stupid name." "Yes, of course we remember." "How can we help?" "She says she doesn't want to see me any more, but I really like her and I don't know what to do." "She sounds like a complete idiot." "Good riddance, I say." "I never seem to know what girls want." "Women just want somebody to make them feel special." "A little kindness goes a long way." "Oh, for Christ's sake, Violet!" "Why don't you ever call first?" "Er, Ash, you remember our friend, Violet?" "Hi." "So nice to see you again, Ash." "Does it make you uncomfortable if I tell you the musculature of your chest reminds me of a cousin from my youth?" "I-It makes me feel very uncomfortable." "I love how playful you are." "Ash was just telling us about this drug-addicted slag who's broken his heart." "She's actually a nurse." "Well, maybe you should try dating someone a bit older." "Violet, stop turning your head to flirt." "Your neck keeps cracking." "Ash was asking for advice about women." "Then, why did he come here?" "We don't like those kinds of jokes." "Look, Ash, if this is a girl that you like, you should just tell her how you feel." "Does that really work?" "Of course." "You need to be direct." "Women are less forthcoming than men." "Is that cotton?" "Why are you here, Violet?" "Oh, I suppose I thought we could all spend the day together." "We can't." "We're shopping today." "Freddie needs a new coat for his Doctor Who screening." "Ooh!" "Apparently, I have been voted the tenth most popular villain of all time." "Does something like that even mean anything?" "Er, I dunno." "Of course it means something!" "And I don't need a new coat." "The one I've got is perfectly fine." "It's not perfectly fine, you've had it for ages." "All right, stop spitting." "So which villain did you play?" "I don't want to talk about it any more." "Everybody go home!" "Why is it all so bright and garish?" "It's like walking into Elton John's dressing room." "I don't like it here." "Let's go." "Nonsense, we're getting you a new coat." "Well, why do I need a new coat?" "I just got this, last year." "You did not get that last year." "Well, recently." "Look, here's a ticket stub for..." "Lawrence Of Arabia." "Mm, all right, let's go." "No." "We're not leaving." "Oh..." "Well, maybe it was a little longer than I remembered." "Ah, now, what about this one?" "Oh, I like that." "Oh, that would be perfect for the screening." "Everybody who's anybody's going to be there." "Who exactly?" "Doctor Who." "Oh, God, has your memory gone now, too?" "Oh, look, that can't be right." "Excuse me." "Excuse me!" "Arsehole." "They make me nervous, all these young people skittering about like mice, desperate to get back onto the Internet." "Let's just pay for it and go." "No." "Actually, I think we can probably find something better elsewhere." "No, let's go." "Oh!" "Actually, that works." "You know, when we filmed that Doctor Who episode," "I never dreamt it would become one of the most iconic roles of my career." "Or only." "Well, I think it's quite exciting, Freddie." "Thank you, Penelope." "Now, is this a television programme we're talking about, or a book?" "It's a television programme." "Ah." "What's the matter with you?" "How could it be a book?" "I'm sorry, I'm only half-paying attention, but I got a lot right before this." "You're doing fine, darling." "Freddie's the actor, right, or is it the other one?" "Stuart." "My name is Stuart and we've known each other for 50 years." "Of course I know your name S..." "Stuart." "You're all invited to the screening." "Ooh." "Except you." "It's going to be quite the evening." "Will there be a lot of single men?" "It's a science fiction fan club event." "They'll be single, but they'll be disgusting." "I have broad tastes, I am over 40." "Oh, are you?" "Because I thought you were still 39." "Ooh." "It is rather stressful, coming here." "Oh, Ash, come in." "Ah." "You remember our friend Violet?" "And Penelope, of course?" "Hi." "Stuart, don't just stand there like a lump, get Ash a drink." "I haven't been offered a drink." "Then get up and get one." "I'll get you a drink, Penelope." "Thank you, S..." "Stuart?" "So, what is it we can do for you, Ash?" "More problems with the ladies?" "I'm afraid so." "They are a lot of work." "Men, on the other hand, are simpler." "Take Stuart and me, it's just fun, fun, fun, all the time." "Isn't that right, Stuart?" "Yes." "It's like living in Disneyland." "Well, I'm not a lot of work, Ash." "Do you understand what I'm saying?" "I hope not." "I just wish I knew how to win Tracey back." "Didn't you tell her how you felt?" "Yes, but she still doesn't want to see me any more." "What about a gift?" "Penelope and I could take you shopping." "That's a great idea." "Stuart, what about some lunch?" "No, I can't." "I've... got an appointment." "I'll be gone all day." "Best of luck, Ash." "Where the hell are you going?" "I told you, I have an appointment." "If you die before I come home, I'll say goodbye now." "Are all these girls prostitutes?" "No, that's just how they dress." "Oh." "Everyone's very proud of their vaginas now." "In our day, you never discussed such things." "I've never even seen mine." "Why are we looking for a gift for Tracey in the men's department?" "I thought I might get you a little something first." "Perhaps a T-shirt, or swimming trunks..." "Oh, I don't know." "Well, we won't know until you start trying them on, will we?" "I like this one." "I'm not sure." "Just try it on." "Oh, Violet, look." "What is it?" "Isn't that... that..." "Stuart..." "I was getting there." "What's he doing, talking to that man?" "I've no idea." "Looks like he's flirting." "We'd better go, I don't want him to see us, and with such a younger man, too." "Where's his self-respect?" "It's way too small." "Oh." "Well, let's just get a quick photo, so we can be certain." "Oh, I just checked on the dog." "He's looking really splendid for 20." "I think I saw his tail move." "He's having a good day." "Yes." "Where are you going, all tarted up?" "I told you, I'm going to see my mother." "Tell her I said hello, and to walk toward the light." "I don't know why you have such a problem with my mother." "She's always been kind to you." "She sends you birthday cards." "One card on my 30th birthday and she signed it," "'I think it's time you found a wife.'" "Still, it was thoughtful." "Now, make sure you take Balthazar outside and hold him up while he does his business, then you can put him back to bed." "Oh, and remember to flip him over onto the side that still has fur." "All right, I'll remember." "Oh, God." "What was I supposed to do?" "Hello?" "Oh, hello, Mrs Bixby." "No, this isn't Stuart, this is Freddie." "Yes, the actor." "Yes, I'm still living here." "Because I'm not looking for a wife." "Anyway, Stuart should be there shortly." "No?" "Isn't he coming to see you?" "I see." "Oh, I must be mistaken." "Would you excuse me?" "Splendid." "Catching up, dear." "Horrible, old cow." "Oh, Vi, thank God you're there." "It's Freddie." "You must come over right away." "Oh, hang on." "There's somebody at the door." "Are you always out there?" "I was just popping round." "What's wrong?" "It's Stuart." "I think he's having an affair." "Are you certain?" "He's been sneaking around for days, and now he's lied about where he's going." "Oh, my!" "There's just one thing that doesn't make any sense." "What's that?" "Who the hell would want to shag Stuart?" "I don't understand." "How could Stuart be seeing another man?" "I've been nothing but loving for 48 years." "You might be getting upset over nothing." "Anyway, I should go." "You just got here." "Yes, but I was looking for Stuart." "Erm, well, he's not here, so..." "You're acting very strangely, Vi." "You don't know something, do you?" "Of course not." "I saw nothing." "Oh." "Hi, I was just coming by to let you know that I got back together with Tracey." "She loved the gift." "I owe you one." "I'll try and remember." "Oh, that's wonderful, Ash." "Is everything OK?" "I'm going through a bit of a personal crisis." "It's nothing I want to talk about." "I guess I should also..." "Are you sure you're all right?" "You see right through me, Ash." "It's Stuart." "I'm afraid he's seeing somebody else." "I don't believe that." "Oh, Ash, you're so young." "So naive." "You've no idea what men are like." "Well, I am a man, so I probably have a bit of an idea." "Mm." "I'm going to have to consider very carefully how I'm going to handle this." "You could just talk to him." "I could." "Or I could emotionally torture him when he gets home and then follow him next time he leaves the house." "Yes, I think that's the winner." "Would you like a biccie?" "Oh, still alive." "Ooh." "Good dog." "Right, you can go back to sleep, now." "Oh, morning." "I didn't hear you come in, last night." "Oh?" "How is your mother?" "Oh, fine." "She sends her regards." "Does she?" "Yes." "She got some lovely colour on her cruise." "Is she a darker shade of grey now?" "Well, I must be going." "Actually, I've got a doctor's appointment." "Do you?" "Yes." "What's wrong with you?" "Aside from that visual horror show your body has become..." "I'm just having them check that my stomach is still strong enough to stand the sight of you." "I'll be back in time to make it to your screening." "I'm surprised you even remembered, considering how many engagements you've had lately." "I'm suddenly living with Peaches Geldof." "Do you even know who that is?" "No." "Now, if you want, I'll paint your face on when I come home, so you'll at least resemble what you used to look like." "He's just left." "I feel kind of weird about this, Freddie." "Ash, we helped you get back together with that drug addict, didn't we?" "She's a nurse." "So you keep saying, now hurry, before we lose him." "Wait!" "Wait!" "Wait!" "Wait!" "I've just got to poke the dog." "Oh, he's still alive." "Good boy." "All right, let's go." "I see you're back again with your whore." "Violet, what are you doing here?" "I followed you." "You followed me?" "Yes, I'm here to warn you." "Freddie knows you're having an affair." "How could you?" "They've been together 48 years." "It's been a hideous 48 years, but it's not for us to judge." "Well...?" "Answer me." "I just want a suit." "You make me sick." "You're buying him a suit?" "No, he's buying a suit." "I work here." "Oh!" "It really looks quite lovely on you." "Why didn't you tell me?" "Well, I wanted to buy Freddie a new coat for his screening tonight, but we couldn't afford it, and you know how he needs to feel that he's the one supporting us." "I didn't want him to know I'd taken this job." "Oh, Stuart." "Look, there's Stuart, and he's with some young man." "Wait." "Why is Violet with him?" "Please don't let her make me try on Speedos again." "What is Stuart doing?" "Freddie must never know." "The important thing is that we let him keep his dignity." "Of course." "Hey, Stu?" "I need you to clean the staff room toilet." "Oh, yes, Mr Harrison." "What about your dignity?" "Oh, long gone." "Oh, my God." "Stuart's working here and he was too embarrassed to let me know." "How come?" "Well, look at me, I have my career." "He's just a shop girl." "It's clear he's ashamed." "After all, my opinion means the world to him." "Now, he can never know that I know." "Do you understand?" "Of course." "I think he's seen us." "What do we do?" "Follow my lead." "So it's true!" "Freddie, what are you doing here?" "What am I doing here?" "I'm very innocently buying swimming trunks for Ash, when I think it's all too clear what you're doing." "It is?" "You're having an affair with this whore." "Hey!" "Oh, sorry." "You're getting that a lot, today." "No, it's not what you think." "I think it's very obvious to everybody what's going on here." "Wouldn't you say so, Ash?" "Not really." "All right, yes, I was considering having an affair." "I knew it, Jezebel." "Yeah, but I couldn't do it." "I never had any real feelings for..." "Gerard Wilkinson." "I hope you can forgive me." "It's going to take a very, very long time, and I shall probably lash out at you in cruel ways, so be prepared, you stinking pile of turd." "Oh, thank you for being so understanding." "So Freddie still has absolutely no idea?" "None." "He still thinks that I almost had an affair." "Freddie!" "Hurry up, dear!" "We don't want to be late!" "Don't rush me, you cheating slut!" "And he's being very decent about it." "You two have a twisted relationship, you do know that." "All couples are like this." "You wouldn't understand, because you're all alone." "Oh, Ash!" "But I thought you were bringing your girlfriend..." "It actually didn't work out, after all." "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that." "Would you excuse me a moment?" "Violet, could you entertain Ash?" "You remember our friend, Violet?" "I don't understand, Ash." "I thought you were back together." "We were, but then I saw what Stuart did for Freddie - taking a job and not letting him know." "You knew Stuart was working there?" "I kind of figured it out." "He did that because he wanted Freddie to think he was still able to support them both." "His acting work isn't as frequent as it used to be, I'm afraid." "Yeah, I kind of figured that out too." "You're a little brighter than I gave you credit for, Ash." "Anyway, it made me realise I wasn't ready to make that kind of sacrifice for Tracey, so I ended it." "I want the kind of love they have, one day." "Where is that miserable piece of shit?" "I'm right here, you walking corpse." "This is for you." "If your hands can stop shaking long enough, maybe you can open it." "The coat I wanted!" "I thought you could wear it, tonight." "I am very proud of you." "Tenth most popular villain." "Thank you." "Oh, you look quite dashing." "And you don't look as revolting as you usually do." "Let's go." "Let me just finish my last sip." "There." "Ash, I thought you were bringing your girlfriend." "We're not together any more." "Did she take an overdose?" "No." "She just wasn't the right girl." "Well, it's important you find the right one, or you could get stuck with some useless moron for 1,000 years, like I did." "God, I hate you." "It's your fault." "How is it my fault?" "It was last week." "You're in charge of the diary - your fault." "You said it was this week." "Well, I've got a lot going on." "You have nothing going on." "You stay at home all day, eating chocolates." "You'd think you could remember one thing." "I'm returning that coat." "Good!" "I don't want anything from you." "Tea?" "Yes, please."