"A thousand years ago, in the haunted jungles of the Amazon." "The dark shaman, Sauro, slaughtered his entire tribe." "Legend has it, he formed a box from their very corpses." "They say it's the key to all his wicked power." "That's Josephine..." "she's insane." "And I fucking hate her." "The wiggling bee in the chair is me, and I'm about to piss myself." "I don't think the she-bitch speaks English." "If I could only remember the word for bathroom." "Wait, is it banjo?" "Banjo." "She pissed herself." "I need a fucking banjo!" "Check out these two handsome pieces of bacon." "They keep asking me about the box." "I'm covered in blood, not my own," "I'm smell like piss and all they care about is that God damn box." "What kind of half-assed piggery is this?" "You'd better snap out of it, baby girl, you are in a world of shit." "Look, I'm sure you've been through a lot, okay?" "But I don't give a shit what you've been through!" "Okay?" "I don't even wanna know why you're wearing a... a fucking bumblebee outfit!" "I'm a honeybee." "Where the box came from, what's in the box, and more importantly:" "where is the box?" "You'll never find it." "And why is that?" "'Cause he's the best there is." "Yeah, yeah... the thief!" "Mr. fuckin' rockstar!" "And even if you do find it, you'll be dead before you ever know what's inside." "No offence darlin', but we've been stuck in this shithole, fuckin' town for almost a year." "Yeah, we've seen it all." "Do you have rats in this station?" "Keep talkin'." "Right." "Do you know what the word sombrero means?" "Enlighten me." "It comes from the word sombra, which means shadow." "The elders of the migah cult said that in a time of great chaos the moon would cast a red shadow over this town." "And blood would fill the streets." "Night's still young, assholes, and you two pigs are so dead, I almost feel sorry for you." "So on a scale of 1 to 10, how dead are we?" "Ask me again in five seconds." "Ooooh shit." "Okay, maybe I should start from the beginning." "I hope you motherfuckers are ready for this." "BLOOD SOMBRERO" "Subrip:" "Pix" "I can do it." "And who are you supposed to be tonight?" "Machosaur" "Good." "And who does Machosaur take shit from?" "Nobody." "That's right." "And who's going to make an entrance?" "Machosaur." "Now, go bang down the chamber doors." "This ain't no faggot bar!" "I have that lipstick..." "God, look at this!" "Faggot!" "That's right." "Hey, noodle-dick!" "You lost, sweetheart?" "I like the goatee." "Pretty lipstick you got there." "You walked into the wrong bar, boy." "The rebel yell." "Alright, everybody just stay calm." "I'm looking for a man named Lucifer." "Lucifer is dark, about, 5'11"-ish or so." "He's got a friend." "He's Mexican." "I promise, with just a little bit of patience, and a dash of cooperation, no one will get hurt." "Sit." "Okay." "Okay." "Hold on a second." "Tell you what sweetheart, lemme get a... beer." "Wait, there's more." "There, there you go, thanks." "So tell me Mr." "Just call me Machosaur." "Yeah." "According to my intel, a price is out there on a certain item..." "of macabre significance." "My partner..." "Saint John, and I, seekers of the strange, procurers of rare items that... might disturb most." "Over the years, we have gathered a plethora of artifacts, excavated the most haunted catacombs imaginable." "Yet, no matter how... close we think we get." "So close I can taste it." "Tell me, how do you expect to find this item?" "Well, senor, let's just say:" "I've seen her." "He's full of shit." "Am I?" "Yes." "But am I really?" "Go on." "So, I was conducting a little business at the Arkham casino..." "Alright guys, alright!" "Take it easy!" "This isn't funny anymore." "I get it, I get it." "Take it easy guys!" "Alright, I get it." "Ouch." "So did you really think you could take my shit and not get fucked?" "Well, honestly, I was kinda hopin' I would." "Hehe." "Damn!" "Okay, let's just dial it back a bit." "It's all just a simple communication." "Hehehe." "Damn, bitch!" "Look boys, I think he wants to play hide and seek!" "God damn cunt... my fuckin nose." "Crawling like a little bitch?" "Damn, shit." "What the hell is that?" "Who the fuck?" "Let's go, bitch!" "Gross." "Shit." "So here I am, unscathed." "Back for more." "So what do you say?" "Put me in, coach?" "Okay, you got the job." "What?" "What?" "I mean, cool." "Half now, half when the box is placed in my hand." "Come on man, I got $20 on you." "Dirty mother fucker." " Yeah." " Man." "Man, that's... fuck yeah." "You don't fuck him up" "I'm gonna fuck you up." "Hey watch it." "Knock him the fuck out." "Yeah." "Get him, get him, man!" "Kick him in the crotch." "Cut off your balls, man." "Yeah!" "Fuck him up, man!" "Fuck him up!" "Que quieres?" "Got a half-dead Mexican, worth $1000." "I'll take that in 20's, baby girl." "That Mexican looks all-dead to me." "Read, fucker." "Cabron!" "Yeah fuck his ass up." "Whoo!" "Kick his ass!" "You're still gonna pay my money." "What am I supposed to do with this asshole now?" "Get a guitar for his ass and play La Cucaracha, as far as I'm concerned." "But I'm gettin' paid." "No pulse, no cash." " Daaaamn!" " Man." "You got knocked the fuck out." "What as that man?" "Come on dude, what'd you knock him out for?" "The fuck is that?" "You bastard." "Here's your money, get the hell out of here, man." "Thanks, baby girl." "This is awesome." "This is awesome." "I know." "Why do you think he calls himself Lucifer?" "Well, when ya..." "When you're a drug dealer, with six wives, a mansion and a gold-plated chainsaw, you call yourself whatever the fuck you want to." "I get dibs on that fucking chainsaw." "I get dibs on the six wives." "Yeah, let's move out." "Okay, on three." "One." "Two..." "Shit," "I think I just stepped in one of his wives." "I think I just found the rest of her." "What the..." "I don't even want to know." "Okay, if anybody is alive, can you please raise your hand?" "Anybody?" "Hey!" "We got a house full of dead bodies and you dicks are in here clapping?" "You assholes should be ashamed of yourselves..." "Sorry." "I couldn't keep a straight face there." "Come on, let's hear it." "Come on, keep clapping." "Randolph, Randolph, Randolph," "Randolph!" "This fucking guy." "I like his clothes, though." "It's just you and me now, Lucy." "So, what were they lookin' for?" "Key." "To what?" "Everything." "No one knows what's inside the box, but... it's worth billions." "Billions?" "I know that look." "Nah, you don't know shit." "I specialize in sins." "As you can imagine." "And greed is my fave." "Just, do yourself a favor, chief." "Whatever direction that box is in... you turn around, go the other way." "I don't see this ending well for you." "Well, we got a crime lord across the hall and that's your cue to come play with fucking dolls?" "Dude, seriously?" "Is he serious?" "Seriously, Dan?" "This is very high-tech shit we're working with, here." "Lots of high-profile cases have been solved by recreating the scene in miniature form." "That does not explain why he is over here, finger-fucking a raccoon." "Well, you look like you just blew a Smurf." "Maybe I did." "Inside Lucifer's lair, it's business as usual." "You have the regular cast of characters," "Mexican businessman enjoying their cervezas minding their own business." "You've got the strippers workin' the pole;" "Lucifer holding court over his flock." "Barth number one is doing her thing." "Bruno, Lucifer's right-hand man." "He's doin' his." "Alright, let's get this pussy on the pole!" "When suddenly, there's a knock at the door." "Hey, the sword swallower's here!" "Pshh, pshh." "No." "Take this!" "Yeah..." "Do people actually watch this shit?" "Yeah, come on." "Don't you think we're in a little over our head?" "Nope." "You said yourself." "She's as vicious as a grizzly bear." "Yep." "So what is it exactly that makes you different from those men." "I got something they don't have." "Expecting someone?" "No, you?" "Yes, your imaginary friend has company." "Shit!" "I think it's the cops." "What should I do?" "Yes, it's the cops!" "Man, we can hear everything you're saying." "You're whispering really loud." "I didn't order any girl scout cookies." "Well you should, they're fucking delicious." "I'm Detective Dan Forth, this is my partner, Randolph Carter." "Dan." "Ran." "Nice." "So what can I do for you?" "Who were you talkin' to in there?" "That was-I was just talking." "I was-you know." "Snap." "Now I recognize you!" "I was there when you sold out Headbanger's ball back in '82!" "Yeah, it's the-it's the Ravens, right?" "That's right." "Is this one of your songs?" "Well actually, yeah." "I can swallow a guitar string and crap better songs than this." "Ouch." "We're here to talk about Lucifer." "So what makes you think I know of a Lucifer?" "Ye-I dunno about that." "Listen, you guys have got about three seconds to back the fuck up before I close this door." "Three." "Two." "One." "So, what's the plan?" "You really think this is going to work?" "'Course it will." "I'm gonna tail him, he's gonna lead us right to the girl." "Then the box is as good as ours." "You mean the cult?" "N..." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Cult." "That's what I meant." "The cult." "You asked how I'm gonna catch a grizzly bear." "With a big fuckin' honeybee." "What'd you tell her?" "Tell me what I wanna know." "What fool of death does Coffin wish to find?" "I'm lookin' for a girl." "Find the box, find the girl." "Where's the box?" "He must ask Lucifer." "Yeah, I know Lucifer." "One more thing Mr. Coffin." "Beware the migah." "Migah... the Mexican ninja." "Yeah, I heard the stories." "Were you called to the ancient ones." "They say he has the blood of the elder Gods, running through his veins." "In the ruins of the onyx pyramid, young Silver Lionas forgotten, an offering to the deep ones." "One day, he returned home." "Like a plague." "He laid waste to his entire village." "So how do I kill him?" "You must remove his head, releasing his dark, tortured soul." "The box belongs to Sauro." "Cucuy, yeah." "Can't wait to meet him." "They are the dealers of death." "I am death." "Thanks for comin' in, Izzy." "You haven't touched your muffin." "You're firing me." "Not firing." "Cancelling." "And what's the difference between firing and cancelling?" "The station doesn't want you anymore." "And cancelling, means the station and the children don't want you anymore." "Fuck you, Rico." "Take it easy." "It's nothin' personal." "Ratings don't lie, sweetheart." "Have a muffin." "Fuck the ratings!" "And fuck your muffins." "Woah." "Cool your jets." "Cool your jets." "Calm down sweetheart" "Woo-sahh." "Just breathe out." "Let it go." "It's nothin' personal." "First of all, there was nothin' I could do about it." "And second, my muffins are amazing." "I've given ten years of my life to this show." "Thank you." "Fuck you, and your muffins, you can both go eat a bag of dicks." "And you know what?" "I'm keeping the suit!" "Fine!" "Keep the suit!" "We don't need it anyway." "You know you're being replaced by a dancing taco?" "I can't believe this is happening." "I can't go selling chicken tacos again," "I can't do it." "I won't do it." "I don't wanna go back to sniffing' asses." "You're probably gonna have to trade in your puppy pants for a burrito or something." "Obesity at an all-time high." "And they have kids fuckin' cheerin' for a greasy fuckin' taco." "Excuse me, where can I find Rico?" "It's her." "Shit." "Get her." "Kick her ass." "Get off me." "I'm gonna fuckin' punch you, you stupid taco." "Stupid bit..." "Fuck you." "Nobody likes a fucking fatass fucking taco, you stupid-shit." "And this is where my life would change forever." "Fuckin' bee bitch!" "I'm here to see the main man, where is he at?" "Great, death is all among us." "What does that mean?" "Migah, mi..." "Done esta el diablo, ese?" "You've got a lot of nerve comin' back after that shit you pulled, boy." "I had to sweep my friend's brains off the floor, shithead." "Lucifer said to bring the box." "Not a bumblebee." "I'm a honeybee." "Shut up!" "Shut up!" "Lucifer's gone now." "Picked up by the cops." "Now there's nobody here to save your ass." "Bullshit!" "Shit." "The shit is going to hit the fan, isn't it?" "I think so." "About a hundred ways for you to die in here." "At least." "So, who are you?" "Prospero." "And what's Prospero going to do?" "Kill everyone." "That's-what-you-get!" "Mother-fucker!" "Hi." "You wanna fuck with me?" "I got you guys." "I know who you are." "Are you fucking kidding?" "That's right it's rock and roll." "Rock and roll." "Rock and roll, rock and roll, rock and roll!" "Eenie." "Meenie." "Minie." "Hello big guy." "Give me the box." "And no one gets hurt." "Bitch!" "You fuckin' kidding me?" "What were you doing?" "That was a close one." "Yes, it was a close call." "Close call?" "No shit, you trigger-happy dickhead." "Now my bee suit is ruined," "I have some douchebag's brains all over me," "I bruised my foot on his rib." "You have got to be more careful." "Relax, I've got this under control." "Under control?" "That's what you call under control?" "I need to see what the fuck out of control is." "Now, what do you say we just pull over here and you can just let me out and nobody has to know about the 50 dead Mexicans splattered over the floor back there." "Then you should relax, take a few deep breaths and reevaluate the situation." "Okay." "Okay, you're right." "Okay, alright, good." "Alright, so you can just pull..." "pull over right over here." "Okay." "Over-over-over here then." "So, figure out a plan, refocus and get your head in the game." "Dude, seriously, slow down so I can get out." "Box." "Find that fucking box, and jam it straight up the devil's ass!" "Now, who's the man?" "I am!" "No, no you're not." "You're going faster, even." "I can do this." "I can fucking do this." "Jam it straight up his butt!" "What the hell are you talking about?" "I need to make a phone-call." "Do you happen to have a quarter on you?" "You don't have a quarter?" "Of course I have a quarter." "I just keep it under the..." "Rodrigo!" "Contessa la telefon por favor!" "Fuck!" "Where is it?" "Shit." "Hey Ziggy, have you seen my bigger spoon?" "Hey, what do you say about bringing the phone, man?" "!" "Damn." "Pick up the fuckin' phone!" "The telephone!" "Fuck." "Pick up the fucking phone you deaf motherfucker!" "Hello?" " What's up, amigo?" " Thief?" "You got it, buddy." "Is that you?" "Hey listen, I'm thinkin' about getting the band back togehter, what do you think?" "Ziggy!" "It's Theif, It sounds important." "Got some bad news for you, Lucy." "Your little club looks worse than your house." "Downright messy." "Just awful." "But, one of your your boys let me in on a little secret." "I know about the key." "Pretty sneaky." "And, since I know you're not dumb enough to let it out of your sight, and I know how you like to, butt-smuggle your fuckin' drugs everywhere, I'm willing to bet anything that" "I know where that key is." "I'm sorry, I'm a little backed up at the moment." "I don't feel like going." "Stage fright?" "I've got three words for you." "Holy." "Water." "Enema." "Yeah, the, holy water enema was a staple of Catholic priests back when they were doin' exorcisms." "Really?" "That's interesting." "The Bible actually says, specifically, that holy water is not to be ingested orally under any circumstances." "So the priests got creative." "Fascinating." "And what better way to help the devil himself with nervous bowels?" "I think you know where this is goin'." "Dammit." "That was fast." "You sure about this?" "Come on, man." "Tell me you're not at least curious." "Of course I am, but..." "Hello?" "Get the fuck out of here!" "I didn't finish man, let me wipe!" "'Course I am." "But, I'm also a cop." "Yeah, it's the point." "What's that even supposed to mean?" "What it means?" "He's in a world of chainsaws and billion dollar boxes." "All we're doing is getting shit all over our hands." "It's damn near literally!" "So, what now?" "So, what, storm the bad guy's hideout?" "Take the box?" "Ride off into the sunset holding hands?" "Come on man, this is crazy." "Nah, the mission doesn't change." "Yeah, we storm the bad guy's hideout, kick the shit out of everybody in there, get the fuckin' box, ride off into the sunset... and if you're lucky I'll hold your hand." "I dunno, man." "Hey, remember, now we have something that they all want." "What's that?" "Come on man, it's the key, goddamn, pay attention!" "No no no, listen." "What is that, is that-is that a lawnmower?" "At this hour?" "Wait a minute, that almost sounds like a..." "Shit!" "What the fuck!" "Shit." "You will never find the box!" "Sauro will kill you..." "That blew right off!" "Shit!" "Kneel before Rod, bitch." "It's gotta work." "It's gotta work." "It's gotta work." "Yeah, it's got-it's gotta do." "Do you even have a plan?" "Can I ask you why you took me along on this retarded adventure?" "What the..." "Bring it on bitches." "Let's go." "Get some!" "Bitch." "My fuckin' nose, fuck!" "You like it rough, dont ya?" "Fuck." "Fuck you." "I don't think so." "Ka-pow!" "Fuckin' skank." "You broke that bitch." "Bitch... bitch." "Will you-will you just give me some room here?" "There's no room." "Well, I can't do this, with you next to me, alright?" "Man." "Did you hear that?" "Hear what?" "I hear somebody talking." "Wait." "Don't." "Move." "Don't move!" "Shit." "Hey." "What are y'all doin'?" "You guys seen a box about ye big?" "That hurt." "Nobody?" "Shit." "Man, I'm so glad that they've called it." "Soon we're gettin' the band back together" "But all we're doin' is killin' bitches." "I wonder if I can still play bass" "I gotta dust my bass off" "Can you still play?" "Rod!" "Bitch." "Cunt." "Son of a bitch!" "Fuck it." "Fuck, get off me, bitch." "Fuck." "Ravens." "Yeah, let's go after the box?" "Good fuckin' idea." "Come, the devil is waiting for you." "I'm the only devil, bitch." "Can't we just talk about this?" "This is for Rod!" "Fuck all of y'all!" "Give me the guns!" "Give me the guns!" "Fuckin'..." "Give me the guns!" "You fuckin' serious?" "Goddamn it." "Got it." "Fucking got it." "Fucking got it." "Shit." "Really?" "Shit." "Yo." "What are you doin' with my bee, bitch?" "I have plans for her." "Help me, goddamn it!" "Okay." "Fair enough." "You piece of shit." "I'm a better musician than I am a thief." "Wait." "What?" "The box." "It has the power to resurrect the dead." "It would be really bad if it goes in the hands of the wrong people." "What are you-tryin' to save the world or something?" "No." "It means if you ever come looking for that box again, I will rip your heart through your ass, feed it to him and I will let his zombie whores rape you." "Whatever." "Wha-wha-wha-what the fuck?" "!" "My car!" "I'm gonna bring every last fucking cop we have down here and blow these motherfuckers a new dickhole." "God!" "Man, we suck at being cops." "No, you suck at being cops." "God, I hate you." "So, who are you now?" "Tired." "And by the way, I'm re-tired." "I can't wait to see what you get us into next." "I'm getting back on my meds."