"Some people dread birthdays, but I say you got to celebrate every one." "It was Axl's 21st... a pretty momentous occasion." "So, Axl was at the age when he didn't come home for birthdays anymore, but I was fine with it." "I'd accepted it." "I spent the whole day just leaving him alone." "♪ We are family ♪" "It's mom." "Call me!" ""Hi, Axl." "Just wanted to make sure you got the Gold Toe socks" "I sent for your birthday."" "♪ Happy Birthday to you ♪" "♪ Happy Birthday to you ♪" "♪ Happy Birthday, dear Axl ♪" "Hello?" "Hey, Axl!" "I called Kenny 'cause I was having trouble reaching you." "Not that I worry." "You're 21 now, but still." "You're always gonna be my baby." "Anyhoo, you know how I like to tell you the story of your birth." "Well, right about this time," "I was pushing you out of my body." "Yeah, I just thought I had to poop, but it was you." "Mom, I'm a little busy." "Yeah, well, sure." "Sure." "Have fun." "Wait." "Did you get the so... ♪ You don't know what you're missing ♪" "Hey, I know it's hard, but you'll see him soon." "I'm having him come home this weekend to help move that old freezer out of the garage." "Thing's probably cost us 1,000 bucks to freeze old bananas to make banana bread that we all know you're never gonna make." "Well, I might have lost Axl, about to lose Sue, but at least I still had my sweet Brick." "Unfortunately, with teenagers, that can change overnight." "Hey, listen..." "I put the permission slip for your trip to the honey farm in your backpack." "Bring back samples." "Whatever." "I'm sorry, but we're closed." "I'm not here for potatoes." "I'm here for you." "Belinda Barnes... manager at Chop Suey U.S.A." "Hi, I'm Sue Heck." "I love your egg rolls." "I eat them in the bathroom 'cause Spudsy's frowns on us buying the competition's food, so..." "I been watching you, Sue Heck." "You're a hard worker." "When I see what you do with potatoes," "I get excited to think what you could do with cabbage and noodles." "I'll cut to the chase." "I'm putting together a Chop Suey dream team, and I want you." "You do?" "I've already got a verbal commitment from the salt guy at Wetzel's Pretzels pending a blood-pressure test." "Think it over." "But if I don't have an answer by the end of the week," "I got to move on." "I mean, when a fast-food Chinese place in the mall comes after you, obviously, it's flattering." "On the other hand, Spudsy's took a chance on a newbie with no food-court experience." "I don't know, Sue." "We're getting kind of sick of potatoes around here." "I'd go Chinese, just to shake things up." "I don't know." "Gonna be hard to beat the authenticity of Don's Oriental." "But now that Spudsy's has a self fixing's bar, the work is a lot less challenging." "I mean, I used to build potatoes." "I was a potato engineer." "Civilians can't do what we do..." "we took a 30-minute class." "Hey, potato engineer, where's the bacon bits?" "I think some of them are down my bra." "I got to go change." "Well, I'm gonna call Axl, tell him I need him to come down here this weekend." "Ask about the socks." "Hey, hey, hey." "Where are you going?" "Don't forget to put your bowl in the sink." "It's right there." "Yeah." "It's not my bowl, it's your bowl." "You bought it, so technically it's yours." "You just loan it to me." "Listen, you've been saying you're gonna come down and help me move the freezer, so I want you to come on Saturday." "Wh... this Saturday?" "I can't." "My friends promised me a weekend I won't remember." "Take the bowl I loaned you and put it in the sink." "It won't take that long." "You'll have time for your friends." "Well can't mom and Brick do it?" "Or just get mom mad." "She has superhuman strength." "She tore my door off the hinges." "She's like a bear." "And guess what." "Because you gave me lip, you're taking my bowl, too." "Look, I don't want to hear any more excuses." "You're coming this Saturday, and you're helping me." "Fine." "Fine." "What a jerk." "He really is." "Wait." "Which one are you talking about?" "Hello, Mr. Heck." "I'm here to help." "Well, we need a lot of help." "What, kind of help are you talking about?" "With the freezer." "Axl called and said you needed a hand and that he's got something going on this weekend, so you get me." "What?" "No, no, no." "Axl's moving the freezer." "It's not a problem." "I'm in town anyway helping my Nana vacuum-pack her winter sweaters and take them up to the attic." "Besides, you're like a second dad to me." "I'd do anything for you." "Well, I'm Axl's first dad, and I need my first son to get his lazy butt home to help out." "Mr. Heck, have I done something to upset you?" "Was it 'cause of that time you were out of town for a few days and I came over and mowed your lawn without asking?" "No." "Sean, you're great." "A little messy around the bushes, but feel free to mow again in the future." "You're not the problem here." "It's somebody else." "I'm sorry, Doris." "I can't take you back to my house." "This is your home now." "Sean, just go." "Okay, I am on a 10-minute break, and I can't let anyone see me, so I just wanted to let you know that I appreciate the offer and it is very kind, but I have to stay loyal to Spudsy's." "That's exactly why I want you..." "loyalty." "Now, I can't say much, but you might have heard rumblings that the Onion Ringery is going down." "Knock, knock." "Who's there?" "Onion rings." "Not anymore." "Please hold for opportunity." "Look, Sue, we're expanding." "Our goal is to sell 50 barrels of Chop Suey this year." "And with the price of MSG coming down, we're gonna make a fortune." "Not cookies... money." " S..." "I am very happy for you, but..." " Okay." "Don't say anything else." "I'm gonna write down a number." "Take that home and think about it." "And one more thing." "That's a completely punched card to Claire's Boutique." "The next pair of earrings you buy is free." "We take care of our own at Chop Suey U.S.A." "Well, it's not great, but it's different." "I should've poured the oil off instead of mixing it in." "I'll know next time." "My stomach is killing me, but maybe it's all the guilt." "She cornered me in the parking lot and slipped me the bag." "God, what if somebody from Spudsy's saw me?" "I just don't know what to do." "This is a major life decision." "Ooh!" "Maybe my fortune cookie will tell me." "Look, mom, I brought my bowl." "Happy?" "Okay, you know what?" "Next time, just do it without the snark." "You think you can do that?" "Nobody likes you." "I'm sorry." "What did you say?" "Nothing." "No, no, no." "I heard something." "You said, "nobody likes you."" "Why did you ask me to repeat it if you heard it?" "For your information, a lot of people like me." "Nancy Donahue likes me." "Paula Norwood likes me." "Most cashiers like me." "You know what?" "I don't need to prove anything to..." "your grandma likes me!" "Okay, I was wrong." "You're very popular." "O-okay, you know what?" "That's it." "Now you're just being disrespectful." "You're gonna go to your room, and you're not getting dessert." "Fine." "I wanted to go to my room anyway." "No, you didn't." "Yeah, you probably did." "What's going on?" "I don't know, but I am sick of it." "He turned 13, and a switch flipped, and all of a sudden, he's a tiny Axl." "I'm telling you, we got to nip this in the bud now." "We are at a crucial juncture." "You know, when Axl went south, we weren't paying attention, and look what happened." "And Brick is smarter, so he's more dangerous." "Sue, come in here." "We're having Axl's birthday ice cream." "No." "I can't eat any more." "I'm full of fortune cookies." "Well, too bad, 'cause we're punishing Brick." "And us eating ice cream and him not is part of the punishment." "Now lick." "How is this teaching him anything?" "He's not even here to see it." "You're right." "Hi." "I just wanted you to see that we're all having ice cream and you're not because you're punished." "I just wanted you to see this so you know what you're missing so you'll learn for the future." "Mike?" "Sue?" "Get in here." "See?" "We're all having a great time." "This tastes so good." "Show him how good it tastes, guys." "Taste the lesson." "O-okay." "Chop Suey's making a move." "We're done punishing you." "How smart is your smart mouth now?" "Not very." "I love you." "I'm sorry." "You brought this on yourself." "Wha..." "I got the socks." "I'm wearing the socks." " They're awesome socks." " What was that about?" "I asked you to come down here, and you send your friend Sean." "What?" "I sent a proxy." "That's a word." "I don't want Sean." "I want you." "What difference does it make?" "Why does it have to be me?" "Because I want it to be you." "So just get your ass home on Saturday." "My God!" "That is so completely arbitrary." "That's another word I learned." "Just do it." "What?" "!" "It doesn't make sense that it needs to be me instead of somebody else." "Just explain it." "I'm 21." "I'm an adult now." "You were an adult at 18." "What?" "!" "Why didn't you tell me?" "!" "You owe me three years of adulthood." "And that's when Mike was forced to do something he didn't want to do." "He pulled out the dad voice." "Axl, home tomorrow." "Okay." "Hey, what are you doing?" "Well, I'm trying to figure out which book to give away." "They're having patron appreciation day at the library, and if you give them a gently-used book, they'll give you a free bookmark with tassel." "So, you know, I want to beat the rush." "Well, don't forget your jacket." "It looks like rain." "Thanks, mom, 'cause I'm blind and I've never seen weather before." "Okay, look." "I know you're a teenager now and you got to rebel a little bit, but this is not the Brick I know." "I'm not enjoying the role you're playing here, so you might want to retire this character before I do." "Well, I'm not exactly enjoying the "nagging mom" character, either." "Hey, you better check your attitude, mister." "Why don't you check your attitude?" "Check your attitude." "All right, you know what?" "I'm not gonna listen to double-whispered nastiness." "You're not going to the library for patron appreciation day." "You're gonna sit at that table and write a paper about why it's important to respect your mother." " What?" "!" " That's right." "3 pages, double-spaced, 12-point type." "What font?" "Garamond." "It's just so hard to know what to do." "Not only that, I said I would tell her by tonight." "I mean, of course I am flattered to be wooed." "Who wouldn't be?" "And then there's the salary..." "they're offering four figures." "What?" "$10 an hour." "I'm sorry, Sue." "I just have to get this off my chest." "I'm gonna confess that" "I'm a little envious I didn't get tapped." "Brad." "No, it's where you work." "It is really hard to make your mark at the great hot dog adventure." "I mean, how are you supposed to shine when you're only working with three condiments?" "I know!" "I did graduate magna cum relish from hot-dog college." "How does that not put me on the radar at Chop Suey U.S.A.?" "I didn't even think about that." "Sue-y." "It has my name in it." "Ooh, it's like a sign!" "You know, I bet it's because I dropped that gallon of mustard." "Everybody saw it." "It's those damn free hand-lotion samples at Crabtree  Evelyn." "How can you not try them?" "Anyway, this is about you." "Go on." "As much as it scares me to go into international cuisine..." "You know, I got lean in... to Chinese." "I am gonna work at Chop Suey U.S.A." "And you get to wear the polo shirts with the golden dragon coiled around the American flag." "I am officially peanut butter and jealous." "You know, the sooner you get your paper done, the sooner you can be doing something fun, like taking that behind-the-scenes tour at the library." "I mean, where do those librarians go on their break?" "You won't know 'cause you're not on the tour." "Actually, I am doing something fun." "I'm reading." "No, you're not." "I'm reading a book in my mind." "I've memorized all my books." "Now I'm turning the page... page 12." "All right, stop it." "Stop it right now." "You're being punished." "That's a funny part." "I mean it, Brick." "I know what's coming, and yet I still laugh." "That's how you know it's good writing." "Yeah?" "Well, I'm gonna stop you from reading in your head by reading from one of my books out loud." ""From homeless to sexy."" ""Just two years ago," "Angela Mccollum was living by the rail road tracks." "She never dreamed that someday she'd be walking down the red carpet in a size-2 gown."" "Kind of hard to concentrate, isn't it?" ""The author of the best-selling cookbook 'Fabulous Foraging, '" "Angela confesses her life changed after a chance encounter with Gwyneth Paltrow."" "All right." "I'm here." "Let's get this over with so I can go back to my life." "Bunch of dudes are filling up the back of this guy's truck and throwing me a pool party." "Well, as fun as that sounds, you might like the surprise I planned for you." "We're not moving the freezer." "What?" "I came all the way down here for nothing?" "No, no." "It's good." "I got you to come home so we could go out and grab a beer." "My God." "Why would you do that?" "'Cause it's something a father does with his 21-year-old son." "You don't get it." "I was gonna swim in the back of a truck." "But then you trick me into coming here to have a beer with you..." "that doesn't make any sense." "No, it's a tradition." "When I turned 21, my dad told me to come help him move some manure." "But when I got there, he took me out for a beer instead." "Why didn't you just ask me to have a beer?" "'Cause that's not the thing." "I don't get it." "You think you're coming home to work, and then you don't." "You know, it's... it's a surprise." "It's whimsical." "But you don't like surprises." "I know." "And I'm not liking them a hell of a lot right now." "Hold on." "So you didn't actually move manure?" "No." "There was no manure." "But when my dad told me to come help him move manure," "I damn well ran over there to help him move some manure." "I didn't say I would and then send somebody else." "Was there or wasn't there manure?" "!" "There wasn't!" "The point is, if there was manure," "I would have moved it." "Fine." "Whatever." "Let's just go get a beer." "I need one." "I don't want to have a beer with you now." "What?" "!" "I come all this way!" "Let's move the freezer or..." "or get a beer or something." "It's already moved." "Your brother made your mom mad." "Okay, so the freezer's moved." "Are we gonna get a beer or not?" "Not." "I don't understand what is happening." "Look, this was a nice thing my dad did for me when I turned 21, and I always thought when I had a son, when he turned 21," "I would do the same thing for him." "But you know what?" "Forget it." "Tradition dead." "No!" "Mnh-mnh." "No way." "I came all this way!" "You cannot not have a beer with me!" "This is happening, dad." "Here I am approaching the fridge, grabbing a beer." "Tradition alive again." " Nope." " Look at me, having a drink with my dad, and you can't stop me." "My God." "Axl's got a beer!" "He's legal now, Sue." "It's allowed." "This beer I'm having with my dad is so good!" "You may be having a beer, but you're not having one with me, 'cause I'm going out for a beer..." "By myself!" "No!" "No!" "No!" "No!" "They showed a video in health class..." ""Sammy drinks after school"..." "And this is exactly what happened!" "Alcohol is tearing our family apart!" "Calm down." "Everybody, calm down." "Did you get the socks?" "Yep, Brick was younger than me, but he didn't realize who he was dealing with." "I had... what did I have?" "I don't even understand what I'm supposed to be doing." "What do you want?" "Do you want an opening sentence?" "A conclusion?" "Who's gonna be reading this?" "I don't know!" "What did I say?" "Something about respect." "Just do it!" "I don't even know what that means." "My teachers know to give me well-defined parameters for any writing assignment." "Look, it doesn't have to be a complete paper." "Just make a list... 25 reasons why you should respect your mom." "Now, I'm gonna go watch "The Bachelor,"" "and I want this done before they get to Puerto Rico." "Howdy, Edwin." "Can I talk to you when you have a second?" "I've been waiting for you to come to me, Sue." "Or should I say "Sue-y"?" "My God." "You know?" "But we met behind a plant." "I've got eyes and ears all over this place." "My physics teacher moonlights at Orange Julius." "Okay, I'm sorry, but this is just a really good opportunity for me." "I mean, I don't want to leave Spudsy's." "I'm happy here." "We're a family." "And I love all my customers." "But the truth is I have to do what's best for me, so I am giving you my two weeks' notice." "Is that how much time you're supposed to give?" "Would a month be better?" "God." "I don't know what I'm doing!" "I'm not surprised Chop Suey U.S.A." "Is trying to poach you." "You're a natural-born food server, and I am not gonna give you up without a fight." "Mostly because I don't have time to train someone new." "The new "Mortal Kombat" just came out." "So, if Chop Suey wants to play hardball," "I guess I'm gonna have to play hardball." "How does a nickel raise sound?" "An hour?" "Okay, sure." "And I'll even sweeten the deal." "From now on, you'll be reporting to work as the assistant manager of condiment distribution." "Come on, Brick." "I'm tired." "I want to go to bed." "Well, I want to go to bed, too." "Well, how much have you got?" "What do you consider "got"?" "Okay, forget the list." "One sentence." "One sentence on why you should respect your mom!" "How hard can that be?" "Whoa, peach fuzz." "You have to be 21 to get in here." "Let me see some I.D." "Actually, I just turned 21, so, thanks for carding me." "Yeah, I'm sorry." "I'm not buying it." "I have to cut this up." "Whoa, whoa, whoa!" "Wait!" "Hold on." "That's that's my license." "Dad, tell him I'm 21." "You got to believe me." "I mean, would he be ignoring me this much if he wasn't my real dad?" "Dad!" "That's the only license I have!" "I already sold my fake one to my friend." " Dad!" " All right, all right." "I'll vouch for him." "He's 21." "Hi." "Hey." "What'll you have?" "I'm gonna buy this guy a beer." "And I'll have..." "What kind of European beers do you have?" "He'll have an American beer, and I'm buying." "Really?" "!" "Nothing?" "!" "I'm tired." " I can't think." " A word!" "One stinking word why you should respect your mom." "Come on!" "_" "You know, I remember, when I was a kid, it was February." "I was lying on the concrete basement floor." "My mom was doing laundry." "It was February, and I was thinking," ""man, spring is never gonna come." "There's never gonna be grass again."" "And now..." "It goes fast is what I'm saying." "A minute ago, I was sitting in your seat." "What do you mean?" "Before I came in here?" "No." "I mean, I-it seems like I was just 21." "Let's just drink." "Okay." "Happy Birthday." "Thanks." "You watch much basketball at school?" "I caved, Mike." "I caved." "Can't talk." "Axl drank me under the table." "I'm not 21 anymore." "Yep, it's a hell of a ride raising teenagers." "Luckily, you get some rest stops along the way, otherwise you'd kill them." "Let me get that for you, mom." "Hey, I was still working... never mind." "Thank you!"