"There you go." "Nice dress, Ryan." "It's not a dress, it's a kurta." "Okay." "Tonight, one of our most ethnic co-workers, Kelly, has invited us all to a Diwali celebration put on by her community." "What is Diwali, you may ask?" "Well, to have Kelly explain it," "(MIMICKING KELLY) "It's..." "I have..." "It's so super fun and it's gonna be great."" "A lot of gods with unpronounceable names." "Twenty minutes later you find out that it's essentially a Hindu Halloween." "You look so handsome." "You really do." "PAM:" "I love the material." "I know." "How come you didn't get me one?" "Okay." "So, between Meredith's minivan and if I borrow Bob's Yukon that should fit about 1 2 people." "I actually might not go." "I'm feeling kind of tired." "Do you want to make Appletinis and watch Sex and the City at my place?" "Oh, I don't know." "I haven't decided yet." "I don't get why you won't go." "Did I do something wrong?" "I mean, I thought we were really close friends." "I just feel kind of tired, you know?" "Maybe you've got mono." "Maybe." "I just..." "I don't really have anyone to go with." "Well, go with Dwight." "He's single too, right?" "Yeah, totally single." "Hundred percent available." "Are you guys going to this Indian thing tonight?" "I don't know." "Who's..." "Who's going?" "Oh, you mean like, "Is Pam going?"" "Don't go." "They eat monkey brains." "MICHAEL:" "Hey, hey, hey." "Stop that." "That is offensive." "Indians do not eat monkey brains." "And if they do, sign me up because I am sure that they are very tasty and nutritional." "It's important that this company celebrates its diversity." "And you know what, Stanley, come Kwanza time, I have got you covered, baby." "I don't celebrate Kwanza." "Really?" "You should." "It's fun." "I love the people here." "And if there was one thing I don't really care for, is that they can be terribly, terribly ignorant about other cultures." "And I don't want them embarrassing me in front of my girlfriend, Carole." "Diwali is a very important holiday for the Hindus." "But frankly, I'm a little appalled that none of you know very much about Indian culture." "So, without further ado, Kelly, you are on!" "Diwali is awesome and there's food and there's gonna be dancing, and I got the raddest outfit." "Kelly?" "It has sparkles..." "Why don't you tell us a little bit about the origins of the holiday?" "Oh, I don't know." "It's really old, I think." "How many gods do you have?" "Like hundreds, I think, maybe more." "I don't know." "And that blue, busty gal, what's her story?" "She looks like Pam from the neck down." "DWIGHT:" "Pam wishes." "Kelly, I'll take this one." "Diwali is a celebration of the coronation of the God-king Rama after his epic battle with Ravana, the demon-king of Lanka." "It symbolizes the battle..." "All right between good and evil..." "...all right." "This isn't Lord of the Rings." "Here we are." "I'm sorry." "(PHONE RINGING)" "I started biking to work." "Josh does it and he lives a lot farther away than I do." "And also it saves gas money, keeps me in shape, helps the environment and now I know it makes me really sweaty for work." "Nice basket." "Thank you." "Now a lot of people say that Kelly is one in a million and that's true, but it's also not true, because frankly, there are literally billions of people just like Kelly in the world." "Here are some famous Indians." "Subrahmanyan Chandrasekhar." "He is a Nobel Prize-winning physicist." "Impressive." "Apu from The Simpsons." "Hilarious Indian." "M. Night Shyamalan, The Village, Unbreakable, Sixth Sense..." ""I see dead people." Okay." "Spoiler alert." "He was dead the whole time." "Just stop it." "What's..." "Oh, what?" "Where did that come from?" "Karen, my chips got stuck in the vending machine again." "I need your skinny little arms." "Oh." "Did you shake it?" "Yeah, I shook it, I shook it." "We have such a roller-coaster thing, Karen and I." "Excuse me?" "Roller-coastery friendship." "Hot and cold, on again, off again, sexual tension-filled type of deal." "It's very Sam and Diane." "Wow." "Yeah?" "From Cheers." "Yeah." "And another thing about the Indian people, they love sex positions." "I present to you the Kama Sutra." "I mean, look at that." "Who has seen that before?" "I have, that's Union of the Monkey." "Oh, that's what they call it." "This is the best meeting we have ever had." "MICHAEL:" "Thank you, Kevin." "You know, I find this incredibly offensive." "Well, I find it beautiful." "Well, whatever Kelly wants to do in her own house is fine, but we shouldn't all be subjected to it." "No." "Actually, she's right." "This is inappropriate." "Why don't I take these?" "MICHAEL:" "No, you're not going to collect them." "Yeah." "No, this is a delightful, charming culture." "My Indian cultural seminar was going great until" "Toby decided he was too immature to deal with culturally explicit images." "It's just sex, people, everybody does it." "I'm doing it with Carole probably tonight." "All right, I think you guys should be all set." "Oh, here's the corporate card for dinner." "Thanks." "Now, Karen, let's keep it to $20 a person this time." "Got it." "Okay." "Once a quarter, the sales staff of this branch has to stay late to do order form consolidation which," "amazingly, is even less interesting than it sounds." "You guys ready to party?" "What's that?" "I said, "Are you ready to party!"" "(INDIAN MUSIC PLAYING)" "Isn't this fun?" "Not wearing shoes?" "I wish some of us still had our shoes on." "Stop it." "It's a disease." "I told you." "I thought you said this was a costume party." "What does that look like to you?" "An Indian woman in a sari." "No one's even gonna notice." "Nice outfit." "Hey, Kevin." "It's a costume." "So you can just cool it, okay?" "Carole?" "Carole..." "I'll have one of those as well." "Thank you very much." "Thank you." "Now these are limes, lemons, onions..." "I'm a vegetarian." "What can I eat?" "It's all vegetarian." "I'll just have some bread." "You used your hands." "Oh, yuck, oh..." "What, is it too spicy?" "No." "These s'mores are disgusting." "They're not s'mores, they're samosas." "Do you think they have any s'mores?" "All they are is chocolate, graham cracker and marshmallow." "How difficult would that have been?" "So, you're Kelly's sisters, huh?" "(SPEAKING IN hindi)" "What?" "Rupa, Neepa, Tiffany, stop acting like such little losers and just be cool!" "Come on, Ryan." "Come on." "Leave him alone!" "I hate you guys." "RYAN:" "They said something about Zach Braff..." "Don't even listen to them..." "No, you know..." "Very official." "I decided to come." "I feel a little underdressed, but at least I'm not dressed like a slutty cheerleader, right?" "Is that mean?" "(INDIAN MUSIC PLAYING)" "Temp!" "Temp!" "I don't even want to hear it, okay?" "Stop it." "Stop it right now." "I didn't come to Diwali to get yelled at." "Ryan is a temporary worker." "Makes no money." "Vali is a whole doctor, so handsome." "Makes good money..." "Do you think I want to date a doctor?" "...and he's a perfect match." "Hey, Big Tuna, you ready?" "Yep." "One, two, three, shot!" "Oh, holy mother of God..." "ANDY:" "Oh, that burns!" "ANDY:" "Golly..." "That's good..." "(INDIAN MUSIC PLAYING)" "Wow!" "Thirty years." "And you two only met once before the wedding night?" "Yes." "Wow." "How long have you been married to the cheerleader?" "(MICHAEL EXCLAIMS)" "She's not a cheerleader!" "She thought this was a costume party." "No, we're not married yet." "She is very fair." "She is very fair." "Very fair and very kind." "So, tell me, is your marriage the kind of thing where when you die, she has to throw herself on a fire?" "No, okay." "It's still very cool." "Okay, thanks." "One, two, three, shot!" "(INDIAN MUSIC PLAYING)" "Are you okay?" "I'm gonna be." "Hi." "I'm just gonna..." "Just for a sec." "Just a sec." "Everyone?" "I'm sorry." "Could I have your attention, please?" "Thank you." "Hi." "Sorry, I just have an announcement to make." "Okay." "I have learned a lot about Indian culture tonight, but I have learned even more about love." "And I know you're all thinking," ""Who is this crazy gringo and what is he talking about?"" "Well, I'm not crazy." "Maybe I'm crazy in love." "So, without further ado, Carole..." "Carol Stills," "I would like you to do me the honor of making me your husband." "(PEOPLE EXCLAIMING)" "Oh, Michael..." "What do you say?" "Can we talk about this in private?" "I didn't hear you?" "Can we talk about this in private?" "Oh, you gotta be kidding." "Okay." "(MICROPHONE THUDS)" "No, I get it." "I get it." "You're not ready." "We'll wait." "This is our ninth date, Michael." "Well, yeah." "But I..." "I feel like I've known you many lifetimes." "Maybe I'm Hindu after all." "Okay, I'm not Hindu, but..." "Carole, Carole, I just..." "I feel like..." "I just like you so much." "I'd better go." "Okay?" "You can find a way home, all right?" "Yes." "Okay." "Okay." "Okay." "Good night." "Good night." "Hey, you know what?" "Why don't I come with you?" "'Cause I've got this book called the Kama Sutra..." "Okay, good night, Michael." "All right." "Good night." "(ENGINE STARTING)" "Well, I was a temp, but I got promoted." "So the compensation is a lot more competitive." "So you're saving money now..." "Yes to start a family and home?" "Oh, or travel?" "And buy an Xbox." "Is there anything you wanted to ask us tonight?" "Can you believe that my boss proposed to his girlfriend in public?" "That is so Michael." "Is it?" "He's really outgoing, huh?" "Yeah." "Hey, would you excuse me for a second?" "It's hot in there." "How's the naan?" "Dry." "You look like you were having fun." "I am." "You should come dance with us." "I have to watch our shoes so they don't get stolen." "Who were you texting?" "No one." "(CELL PHONE BUZZING)" "ANDY: (SINGING) I went to the doctor I went to the mountains" "I looked to the children..." "Andy, no a cappella." "ANDY: (SINGING) I looked to the children I drank from the fountain" "(ANDY AND JIM SINGING)" "There's more than one answer to these questions" "Pointing me in a crooked line..." "Wait." "The less I seek my source" "Oh, come on, guys, please." "The closer I am to fine" "The closer I am to fine" "That's not good." "Tuna!" "Are you kidding me?" "Oh, my God." "(EXCLAIMING)" "Wow." "That's so spicy." "Here." "Yeah." "(MICHAEL EXCLAIMS)" "You're waiting for a call?" "No." "Wow." "Pam, when Carole said, "No," tonight," "I think I finally realized how you must be feeling." "We're both the victims of broken engagements." "Well, you were never really engaged." "I was in that marriage arena, though." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Oh, well." "I kind of thought something would happen tonight, too." "So alike." "So alike." "What are you doing?" "What are you doing?" "I'm rejecting your kiss." "I..." "What?" "I didn't..." "Can I have a ride home?" "If you sit in the back." "Night, guys." "Hey, can I have a ride, man?" "I have my bike." "No way, dude." "I am not driving home." "I brought an inflatable bed for just such occasions." "You're welcome to share it, though." "It's a roomy twin." "I'm good." "(CAR HONKS)" "Hey, dummy, get in the car." "I'm a drunk driver." "Yes, you are." "Here, let me take that thing." "Just get in the car." "Okay." "You can really hold your liquor, though, really." "Yeah." "You can't." "Okay." "And I am just going to lie down in the back, if that's all right?" "Sure." "Here's your bag." "Just don't puke on anything." "You okay?" "So good." "Good." "These are not my shoes." "This is just like that show Taxicab Confessions..." "If you say one more word, I'm stopping the car." "Sorry." "This is going out to Indians everywhere." "It's a tribute to one of the greats, Mr. Adam Sandler." "(SINGING)" "Diwali is a festival of lights" "Let me tell you something" "Tonight has been one crazy night" "So put on your saris" "It's time to celebrate Diwali" "Everybody looks so jolly but it's not Christmas, it's Diwali" "The goddess of destruction, Kali stopped by to celebrate Diwali" "Don't invite any zombies to a celebration of Diwali" "Along Came Polly to have some fun at Diwali" "If you're Indian and you love to party have a happy, happy, happy happy Diwali!" "Happy Diwali!"