"**" "* you won't admit you love me * * and so * how am i ever * to know * you always tell me * perhaps, perhaps, perhaps" "* perhaps * perhaps * perhaps" "it is time." "do you wish to make any final statement?" "this is a travesty of justice." "i have committed no crime." "you have no right to take my life." "well... sorry about that." "ready... aim... push!" "( panting )" "( sighs ) you all right?" "sorry. just dreaming." "what about?" "oh, you know." "stuff." "steve." "yes?" "( sighs ) you were being executed again, weren't you?" "a little." "ever since i got pregnant you've been dreaming about being executed." "you don't have to assume there's a connection." "last night you were beheaded by a fetus." "well, could have been a fetus, could have been a jelly baby." "jelly baby?" "it was in the gray area." "steve, you remember what dr. graham explained to you at that little pregnancy seminar?" "yes." "that there isn't, in fact, a gray area between a jelly baby and a fetus." "i was making a largely visual point." "sadly, with an actual jelly baby." "why does no one have a sense of humor about any of this?" "which you then ate." "well, i'd finished the fetus comparison by then." "a moment you punctuated by biting its head off." "oh, for god's sake!" "you were surrounded by pregnant women!" "well, yes." "one of them cried." "it was a jelly baby." "it felt no pain." "i went straight for the head." "pregnant women are very emotional." "she was being ridiculous." "thank heaven you managed to avoid that trap." "i don't bite the heads off live fetuses." "words never before uttered before at a pregnancy seminar." "i never want to live through a silence like that again." "it was a fairly major silence." "apart from the sniffling." "why are pregnant women so emotional?" "hormones." "oh, hormones." "everything's hormones now." "some of them were huge, weren't they?" "and those big, flowery dresses-- they were like tents with heads." "it was like being in a field full of flowery, emotional tents... with heads." "who was that one you were talking to?" "i'm surprised you noticed." "oh, she was the most emotional." "although, in fairness, not fully...boat-like." "we exchanged phone numbers." "she said i could call if i had any problems." "any time, day or night." "what problems would you have?" "oh, steve." "what's wrong?" "who said anything was wrong?" "your subconscious is executing you on a nightly basis." "yes, but..." "unsuccessfully." "but seriously, we're having a baby." "you should be excited and happy and... all i'm getting from you is fear." "well... however happy i am during the day, at night... well, there's a fetus with an axe." "look, fear isn't something i have to work at." "shall we talk about this tomorrow?" "yeah, tomorrow, why not?" "and then maybe solidly for the next four months." "yeah, maybe." "an axe-wielding fetus?" "yeah." "an orange one." "i think we're shading back into jelly baby again." "well, i told you it was on the cusp." "there is no cusp." "hi." "hi." "it's great about the dalek master plan episode two being found, isn't it?" "yeah." "only 108 missing episodes to go." "a lot of girls in today, aren't there?" "yeah... as usual." "usual?" "oliver!" "you've fallen asleep at the till again!" "oliver!" "oliver!" "it's nearly midnight, for goodness' sake." "oh, tamsin." "hello." "just got a few, you know, deliveries." "craziness!" "more toys for your little shop?" "well, tv and movie tie-in merchandise, if that's what you mean." "dalek toy:" "exterminate!" "extermin-- anyway..." "i was just passing, saw you with your face in your drool and lots of little robots, and i thought, "that'll be my ex-boyfriend."" "take your eyes off my bosom." "sorry. yeah." "have they got bigger?" "no, just more unavailable." "okay." "when i left, i accidentally took some of your things." "thought i'd drop them off." "oh, right. thanks." "so..." "are you seeing anyone?" "well-- no." "oh." "i guess it's a bit too soon for all that." "for both of us, really, isn't it?" "isn't it?" "it's been a year." "well, no, actually-- since we had sex." "it's been just under-- both of us. successfully." "okay." "what is the fascination with bosom-staring?" "don't know, really." "maybe it's because the bosom is the only erogenous zone that can stare back." "good-bye, oliver." "tamsin!" "now that we're officially "splitto,"" "do you think we could risk having a friendly drink?" "no." "cool." "bye." "see ya." "toy:" "exterminate!" "exterm" "definitely thawing." ""splitto"?" "( phone rings ) hello, hellmouths." "( ringing ) hello?" "hi, um, is tamsin there?" "tamsin?" "yeah, i'm sorry to call late." "we met at the seminar today and she said i could phone any time, day or night." "she left her phone in her bag." "this is her, uh, boyfriend." "can i give her a message?" "no, um...no." "just say that susan called." "okay." "oh, and...congratulations." "( dial tone ) congratulations?" "so, tamsin, what am i being congratulated for?" ""what you calling yourself my boyfriend for, you dirty little ex!"" "well, i'm your most recent boyfriend." "and you're not seeing anyone else, are you?" ""well, it's been over a year now since we had sex." "what do you think?"" "yeah, well, maybe if you weren't such a... dalek." "( engine revving )" "woman: halt!" "this car wash is under police control." "and... nurse control." "come inside." "oh!" "oh!" "oh!" "patrick." "patrick." "i can't stay the night, i've got a breakfast meeting." "it's okay. it's okay." "you're home." "oh." "sorry. autopilot." "i've heard about your "autopilot."" "susan's told me stories." "like?" "like once you accidentally phoned a girl a taxi before you'd had sex." "oh, that." "it wasn't exactly an accident." "no?" "there's a difference between an accident and a quickie." "oh, god." "what?" "what sort of woman would ever have sex with you?" "oh, god." "anyway-- no, hang on." "i want to ask you a question." "( sighs ) okay." "while we're making love, what do you think about?" "why do you ask?" "i just want to know." "you." "nipples." "mini-breaks for two." "no, not what you think you ought to think about." "what do you really think about?" "why?" "sometimes you make car noises." "i do not!" "and call me "officer."" "well, that's because i respect you." "no, seriously, what's going on inside your head?" "i just want to know." "a car wash?" "!" "you asked." "staffed by policewomen and nurses?" "!" "women in positions of responsibility." "i'm very pro that." "can we go back to bed now?" "what is it about policewomen?" "except that they're about as right-wing as you are." "nice uniforms." "can definitely drive." "enforce law and order." "they're like the tory party in girl form with uniforms and handcuffs." "the nurses?" "kind, sensitive, caring people." "and pretty much impossible to disgust." "patrick." "( phone rings ) oh, bloody hell." "it'll be jane." "she knows i'm here." "jane?" "we've been having a fight." "we went shoe shopping and it escalated." "for god's sake." "( ringing ) i know everything you're going to say." "steve thinks i'm turning into an emotional tent!" "okay, you had me there." "( susan sniffling ) susan?" "yeah?" "are you all right?" "no." "give me a sec." "patrick." "it's the middle of the night." "it's eleven-thirty." "yes, but we've finished the sex." "people should be sleeping." "maybe you should make a public announcement." ""tonight's performance is over. you may sleep now."" "maybe." "instead of just saying it to me." "susan." "i'm here." "steve is a thoughtless, feckless, feelingless, useless wanker!" "so, what's upset you?" "isn't that enough?" "oh, right, sorry." "i thought that was just a reminder." "what is it with him?" "why is he so utterly useless?" "susan, i said to you a long time ago, i told you that steve is not a relationship person." "he's not a giver, he's a taker." "and sweet though you may be together, he's always gonna be a burden to you." "that's what's worried me since the day you got together." "you've never said any of that to me." "oh. well, i said it to someone." "well, that would have been behind my back." "oh, susan, come on." "not that i haven't always known." "you make it pretty obvious." "that's not true." "you said yourself, i went behind your back." "and steve knows, too." "of course he doesn't." "he's always known what a tosser you think he is." "he's never thought that." "he absolutely has." "no, sally's right." "i've never thought that." "you see?" "steve?" "hello, sally." "i didn't realize you were on there." "kind of got that actually, sally." "steve, hang up." "why?" "i'm being talked about." "steve, in fairness, i'm often very critical of susan, too." "are you?" "no, never." "never?" "sometimes." "sometimes?" "no, of course-- for chrissake, i can't talk with both of you listening." "would one of you turn your back so i can be honest?" "steve, put the phone down." "it's my phone." "i live here now." "it's our phone." "well, here we are, sharing it." "steve, susan is a little emotional at the moment." "yeah, yeah, i know." "hormones." "yes, steve, hormones." "that's just the answer for everything--hormones." "you say that, and everything's fine." "that's just an unfair advantage." "advantage?" "what if we just started saying "testicles."" "what?" "!" ""you seem to be a bit moody today, steve." "what's wrong?"" ""sorry, darling." "testicles."" "chrissake!" ""steve, what time of the night do you call this?"" ""sorry, dear. testicles."" ""steve, stop flirting with all those women."" ""sorry, dear, time of the month." "my testicles are all over the place."" "don't worry, sweetie." "i'm about to hack 'em off with my nail scissors. hormones." "you're both being silly now." "susan, you're not about to mutilate anyone with your hormones." "and steve, nobody's saying you've got testicles." "kind of made your views fairly clear on that, sally." "now, you can't take that seriously." "you were eavesdropping." "well, there's many a true word spoken in...eaves." "it was a girly conversation." "exactly." "women criticize men." "it's how we communicate." "well, it's how sally communicates." "you criticize patrick." "yeah, but patrick isn't the man you intend to have a baby with." "how can you say that?" "well, he isn't." "of course he is." "i absolutely intend to have a baby with patrick." "oh, my god." "oh, my god!" "i didn't know that." "neither did i." "neither did i." "neither did i!" "oh, my god." "oh, my god." "patrick?" "yes, sally?" "are you all right?" "i'm fine." "good." "look... when i said "have a baby," i just meant-- i didn't mean-- i just meant-- socially." "socially." "to tea." "babies can't come round to tea, sally." "they're rubbish." "don't say that!" "hormones!" "bollocks!" "doesn't this all seem a little early?" "of course it's early." "it's far too early." "i don't want a baby yet." "you've got to get a cat first, see if you're maternal." "you've already got a cat." "well, i'll shave it, see if i still like it." "patrick, there is no danger here." "i'm just trying to reassure susan about the whole baby emergency." "emergency?" "why?" "she's scared witless." "she thinks her life is over." "i don't think my life is over." "don't be ridiculous." "you're pregnant!" "it doesn't mean you've got to be pregnant, too." "of course not!" "it's just a difficult time for susan, and steve's being a dickhead." "i'm still here, actually." "still a dickhead." "listen to those hormones." "steve." "she's terrified she's just going to inflate into some vast, perfumed zeppelin." "and then spend the rest of her life flopping around in a woman's suit eight sizes too big." "have you seen the tummies on new mothers?" "mummy tummies are a tragedy in wobble form." "it's like they haven't set properly." "those poor women." "they turn around and it takes about a minute for everything to face the same way." "oh, god!" "and it's my job to make her feel better about herself!" "could you stop now?" "because pregnant women are beautiful." "yes, they are!" "they absolutely are!" "and sexy." "it's a very sexy, sensual thing, pregnancy." "of course it is!" "isn't it, steve?" "yes." "it's very nice." "sexy and sensual." "yep. that." "those." "a lot of men find pregnant women extremely attractive." "and frankly, steve, if you've got a problem with pregnant women as sexual beings, then i feel sorry for you." "many women enjoy an active sex life throughout their pregnancies." "of course they do." "thank you, sally." "it's like they're a big, beautiful force of nature." "i mean, what could be more natural than sex with a pregnant woman?" "because pregnant women are about life, abundance, and sex!" "and despite their size, real animals between the sheets." "oh, my god!" "have you had sex with a pregnant woman?" "well, yeah." "no!" "seriously?" "sure, a few years back." "but--but-- but what?" "what's the problem?" "obviously you didn't know she was pregnant." "of course i knew." "she was a full-on preggo." "preggo?" "!" "yeah, a five-monther." "compact, though." "nice lines." "and you're absolutely right, sally, very sexy." "sexy?" "!" "sure. almost grateful." "but that's disgusting!" "why?" "she was up for it and she was single." "first time you've ever approved of single mothers having a good time." "i had to think about that, actually." "but in fairness, she wasn't a single mother yet." "i had a window." "you went out and pulled a pregnant woman?" "what were you thinking?" "you know, "there's a nice, compact pregnancy, let's take it out for a spin."" "she had a baby inside her, you insane filth!" "you said pregnant women were sexy." "that doesn't mean men can just go around having sex with them!" "why not?" "it's a taboo!" "why?" "!" "because they're pregnant!" "so?" "well, it-- it's like there's somebody in there just now!" "you have to wait your turn!" "so i'm a taboo, then, am i?" "no, no, not you." "but there's a taboo about finding me sexy?" "no, i still find you sexy." "i mean, i'm the one who taboo-ized you." "taboo-ized?" "yes, i made the bed, i've got to lie to it." "in it, i mean, obviously." "susan, listen to me once and for all, absolutely sincerely." "i truly believe that pregnant women are extremely sexy." "and i agree." "you utter sicko!" "what?" "what?" "right, okay, enough." "this phone call has officially too many people in it." "patrick, i'm not talking to you. shut up." "steve, i'm not talking to you. shut up." "susan, this pregnancy is going to change your life." "it's gonna give you a baby, motherhood, and a certain future with steve." "and yes, maybe a jelly midriff." "deal with your jelly midriff issues, susan, because this pregnancy is gonna give you what you've always wanted most-- a family." "and breasts." "and breasts, yes." "jane?" "!" "jane?" "jane?" "a jelly midriff?" "hello, everyone." "we're all getting a bit cross, really, aren't we?" "jane, could you stop doing this?" "could you stop just wandering in though my front door?" "because this is not-- repeat, not-- an american sitcom!" "well, no one was answering the doorbell." "who answers the doorbell at midnight?" "!" "it could be someone frightening." "and, oh, look, it is!" "i had a big fight with sally." "i need to talk." "and i heard all the shouting and phoning." "i love other people's phone calls." "i get so involved." "sometimes i'm just sitting on a train, and before you know it, nottingham." "jane, no offense, but this phone call is now full." "this phone call is, in fact, an out-of-control train that is hurtling us towards certain doom." "one more accidental revelation on this line and we'll get cordoned off by b.t." "should have locked your door." "no point." "she's steve's ex, isn't she?" "steve: jane's still got the front door keys of every man she's ever slept with." "oh, my god." "oh, my god." "oh, my god." "oh, my god!" "oh, my god!" "( cell phone rings )" "hello?" "hi, it's me." "tamsin's boyfriend." "oh, hi." "i was wondering, tamsin, at that old seminar thing-- yeah?" "was she alone?" "who did you say i was talking to again?" "well-- is tamsin there?" "here she is right now." "tamsin, it's that girl susan you met today." "( falsetto ) oh, susan, lovely!" "give me the phone." "susan, it's tamsin." "hello." "hi, tamsin." "( falsetto ) silly question for you." "that seminar today-- i can't remember." "did i come alone?" "yeah." "apart from the fact you're pregnant." "i'm pregnant?" "!" "yeah." "i'm pregnant?" "yeah." "( falsetto ) oliver?" "( normal) yeah?" "( falsetto ) why didn't you tell me about this?" "( normal ) sorry." "( falsetto ) oliver!" "i demand to know!" "is this baby mine?" "(normal ) well, of course it's yours!" "you're a woman!" "whose else could it be?" "( falsetto ) yes, good point, oliver." "thank you." "( normal ) well, obviously it's not mine." "we haven't done it for a year." "( falsetto ) obviously not." "i must have a new boyfriend." "open the cupboard!" "there's no point." "if you slept with jane, you would have videoed it." "it'll be in the cupboard." "steve, tell him." "guys, this phone call has got to end." "it's got to die." "do you understand?" "i didn't sleep with jane." "i've never slept with her." "and when i didn't sleep with her, you and i weren't even dating!" "steve, order patrick to unlock the cupboard." "i can't order him." "steve, i demand entry to the cupboard of patrick's love." "( normal ) you came in the shop!" "why didn't you tell me?" "( falsetto ) you could never have coped." "you're still obsessed with me, you sad little man with your silly science fiction bookshop and your rubbish penis!" "( normal ) i'm not obsessed with you!" "( falsetto ) listen to yourself, oliver morris!" "you're on the phone in the middle of the night to a complete stranger pretending to be me!" "oliver morris?" "yeah?" "with the science fiction bookshop?" "yeah." "hang on." "sally:" "you are a threat to every relationship in the world until you're married, dead, or both!" "it's too late to try and get back in with me now!" "jane, you remember science fiction oliver, your blind date guy?" "yeah." "just had him on the phone for a while pretending to be his own girlfriend and still not getting anywhere." "i think you guys are perfect for each other." "jane, oliver." "oliver, jane." "better luck this time." "everybody else, it's very, very late." "sally, patrick has never slept with jane." "patrick, you're right, pregnant women are sexy." "steve, i'm pregnant, i'm sexy, and i'm coming in." "good night." "oliver?" "jane?" "( hangs up ) sorry i'm so rubbish." "make up for it." "i can't believe i'm with a man with a pregnancy fetish." "i can't believe i'm with a woman who suddenly wants a baby." "how is it ever gonna work?" "anyway..." "yeah." "( laughing ) well, what did she say?" "ha ha ha ha!" "that's amazing!" "ha ha!" "oh, my god!" "* if you can't make your mind up * * we'll never get started *" "* and i don't want to wind up * * being parted * broken-hearted" "* so if you really love me * say yes * and please don't tell me * * perhaps * perhaps * perhaps"