"The headlines tonight - Portillo's teeth removed to boost pound... exploded cardinal preaches sermon from fish tank... and where now for man raised by puffins?" "Yes!" "On "The Day Today" tonight - woman describes her parrot's kidnap hell..." "She told me that a very heavy officer sat on her back, others sat on her legs, she was then handcuffed and broad Sellotape taped round her ankles so she couldn't walk." "...and new Welsh minister in incomprehensible energy outburst." "The main benefit is that it is competitive." "It permits the production of electricity cheaper, competitive, and hence enhance the competitiveness of British industry." "Good evening." "Junior Minister for Health Mr Douglas Wemby has resigned today following revelations of irregular accounting and racist dances at his constituency." "Reporting from Westminster, Hellwyn Ballard reports." "Mr Wemby's resignation could spell trouble for John Major's government, trouble it could do without." "I'm joined by our political correspondent Collin Haye." "A bad day for the government?" "The government needed a shot in the arm." "What it received was a bullet in the throat." "I'm joined by Tory Chairman for Resignation Issues Mr Austen Straker." " A bad day for the government?" " The media overblows these things." "Mr Wemby's acted entirely with honour." "Minister, thank you." "Hellwyn." " Collin." "Chris." " Hellwyn." " Chris." " Hellwyn." "Mr Wemby's week of hell ended at 11.3o this morning when his resignation was accepted by Mr Major." "He walked out of his office for the last time and left Westminster by car... (ENGINE STARTS) ...to meet family and constituents at his house in Gloucestershire where he hopes to spend more time cultivating his hobbies." "He is a keen cook and is fond of collecting stamps." "Sylvester Stuart has today's weather." "Starting in the south-east " "Devon and Cornwall should have heavy, prolonged showers, like jagged metal piercing old flesh." "The Midlands now." "Warm at first, turning cocky later, around 12, with cloud around in the shape of a whore." "In Scotland, thunderstorms, but the sun should come through later." "It'll be like being woken up in the night by strange men shining torches in your eyes." "In summary, then - dispassionate." "And that's all the weather." "Alan Partridge is at Marple for the races." "I wonder what he's doing?" " Alan?" " Hi, Chris." "I'm Alan Partridge." "Horses, love 'em or hate 'em, from Mr Ed to Silver, they're all here mingling with officials." "Don't do that, please." "It's the 6.3o Queen Henry Stakes, which is generally regarded as the litmus test for Derby form." "Jockey folklore says that if you cock up the Queen Henry, you might as well ride the Derby on a cow..." "which would be a waste of time." "Let's have a look at the betting, the going today moist to tricky." "That's all for now." "Join us later for the race." "Back to you, Chris." " Alan, have you got a tip for us?" " I did, but..." "I was going to tip New Year's Lad, but his horsebox was hit by a Volvo." "Terrible mess." "Apparently, he's... he's dead." "So... bad luck there." "Back to you, Chris." "Stop it!" "That's a coincidence, because last week, Collately Sisters, you survived a car crash." " Only because you landed in a stomach." " It was a cowy night for the pound." "It stood at 3.79 against the German bordello, up.5 against the Portuguese starling and down 1oo against the bitch." "Earlier, there was confusion when France and Spain swapped currencies, and trading remained succulent for the rest of the day." "Thanks, Chris." "Here at home tomorrow, the new £5 note comes into circulation." "The notes, featuring the head of Iggy Pop, can only be used once." "Thanks, Collately." "Coming up" " Bosnian old woman... controversy over new police shirts..." "It's blatantly too small." "I mean..." "That wouldn't fit my daughter." "...and your opinions in "Speak Your Brains"." " Firing public servants." "Do you approve?" " I agree." " In all circumstances?" " Yes." "Yes." " So once they've made a mistake..." " No, give them one chance." " Then fire them." "Heavily?" " Heavily, yes." " Who would you fire them at?" " Their governors." " You'd fire them at their governors?" " Definitely." "Yeah." "(ALAN) The 6.30 delayed due to a collapsed paddock." "They're sorting that out." "Men and women here wandering around like ants on an anthill." "Good to see Platitude Queen, a renowned..." "horse, well known for its sense of humour." "Look at that wiggle." "Marvellousl" "Don't know what that is..." "Two to look out for - Number 1, Zeinab Badawi's Twenty Hotels and Number 3, Two Headed Sex Beast." "Great to see the deaf catered for by these real characters in anoraks." "Couple of youngsters fooling around." "Let's hope that tomfoolery doesn't escalate into blind, ugly violence, which none of us want to see." "Two fat ladies - 88I Old bingo expression there." "Although, these ladies, I'm sure, are not the kind who you'd find at the bingo hall." "They're altogether a better class of fat lady." "Look at that lovely girl there, chomping on a sandwich." "Ah..." "Not sure what that is." "(LAUGHS) Hope it's not a dead horsel" "They won't fit it in the back of a Volvo 340." "Actually, I hope it isn't a dead horse." "Sorry." ""The Day Today" - bagpiping fact into newsl" "American actor Marlon Brando was sold today in an auction at Sotheby's." "Brando, who starred in "Apocalypse Now" and "Superman", was part of a sale of works of art which attracted international interest." "He was sold in the chair he's occupied for three years to the Vatican at just under two and a quarter million dollars." "He will be installed in St Peter's later next month." "Dentists." "Time was when dental care... was free." "Now costs are forcing people with sick mouths onto the streets." "Last night, I went with a team to there." "Soaring costs have forced dentists to use telephone boxes as reception areas and the backstreets as their chair." "It's daylight, and the streets look quite normal, but when night draws in, like a great dark thing, this area becomes the stalking ground for dentists." "Up to 150 practitioners can operate under this bridge in any one night." "We saw seven, all after one mouth." "(MAN) My wisdom at the back... (DENTIST) Turn round." "Just pretend you're yawning and open your mouth." "You need that out." "Molar needs doing as well." "Need any dental work done?" "Fillings, hygiene, root canals?" "25 quid." " 2o." " Done." "For three years, Hambel has worked alone without equipment or basic surfaces." "I used to do a wet polish with my tongue, and..." "I used to blow on their faces to keep them cool, because there was no anaesthetic." "Without anaesthetic, it must have been hard to stop people screaming." " How did you do that?" " I'd hold their throats." " Can you show me?" " What?" "On you?" "I'd press their windpipe." "(GROANS)" "Night-time, with the police's undercover social unit." "Kids see these, they get big ideas." "They think, "Oh, that's cool."" "They all want to be Clint Eastwood." "Here we go." "Our old friend Mr Drill." " That doesn't look like a dental drill." " It's not." "There's two." "Both masonry drills." " Was that used for dental treatment?" " There's traces of enamel here." "Oi!" "A backstreet dentist and his client." "We chased and filmed at the same time." "He's gone that way!" "The dentist managed to escape on a nearby yacht, but the dentee was less fortunate." " (OFFICER) Look at that..." " How do you feel?" "(MUMBLES) Slightly disorientated, obviously." "(OFFICER) OK, what's wrong with the NHS?" "I had to wait three weeks for an appointment!" "He's made a pig's ear of your face." "I've used an illegal dentist." "It's hardly a criminal offence..." " It IS a criminal offence." " It's not." " It is." " Is it?" "The next night, our dentist was back at work." "Proof if proof be need be that it'll take more than a big syringe to cure Britain's mouth." ""The Day Today" - aware that while the world looks round, it is, in fact, a cube." "And from this, we know that fact times importance equals newsl" "Coming up - controversy over new police shirts..." "Obviously, we're ready to comply with changes if they're for the better, but... this clearly is not going to work." "First Alan Partridge for the delayed 6.3o at Marple." "Alan, it's raining its arse off out there." "Hi, Chris, no racing yet." "Some problems with the weather." "It's really quite wet here." "Really is quite wet." "It's horrible." "Really awful." "Back to you in the studio." "Your complaints." " Hello, peasant." " How do you do?" "Read this complaint which you've just written." " I shall indeed." " Grasp the candle." " Sorry?" " And bang on." "And bang on." "I would like to complain about the slack monitoring of broadcasters' mouths." "As a recruitment officer, I know it is simple when appointing staff to filter out those with unusual or disgusting mouths at the interview stage." "Yet our screens are plagued with the likes of Gavin Esler, whose mouth not only looks like it is trying to escape from his face, but is grotesquely lopsided." "A balanced view from that?" "In a chimp's cock." "Surely it is time for the BBC to face up to this demoralising assault and sack anyone... whose mouth does not conform to a reasonable standard." "Perhaps mine." "Point at mouth." "Regular, neat, and I've had the stretch marks dealt with." "Do it or I'll ram you up your own..." "fudge tunnels." "Thank you." "Ask anyone what they think of Britain's public buildings and they'll probably say, "They're rubbish."" "So "The Day Today" has commissioned a fly-on-the-wall documentary series about every single one of them, starting this week with St Lamb's pool in Acton." "Hi." "Can we have two, please?" "One adult and a child." " How much is that?" " 85." "85?" "Thanks." "No, it's not for the phones." "Just two for the pool." "Well..." "I haven't got the exact money." "It's only..." " Just... keep the change." " No, I can't." "Well..." "I haven't got the exact money." "It's only a pound." "I can't." "I don't have the authority to just give you 25 pence." " I'd have too much in the till." " Just give me two tickets." "I'll keep the pound, but I can't let you in." "Line up along here, please... (ALL SHOUT)" "No duck..." "Michael!" "No ducking!" "Stephanie!" "Stephanie!" "Leave her hair alone!" "I've tol..." "Right!" "All down this end!" "All down..." "Right, free swim!" "Free swim!" " (FRENCH ACCENT) Er..." "One swimming..." " Swi?" " Er..." "Swimming..." " Sorry, I don't know..." "What do you want?" "(SPEAKS FRENCH)" "What?" "Swimming." "I, er..." "I go... (SPEAKS FRENCH)" "You go what?" "No!" "No!" "No!" "No, not the floats!" "No!" "No, they're not for us!" "Not the fl!" "No!" "Put them back!" "Put them all back!" "Excuse me, I wonder if you could help." "I've lost my locker key." "Do you have a spare?" " No, we don't give out spares." " It's 2o7, the locker number." "Well, you'd better look for it." " Haven't you got a master?" " I can't give you a master key." "It'll be in the pool." "Go and look for it." "OK." "(MUTTERS)" "Look, I've got to go back to the office, so if you could just give me a master key..." "I haven't got the authority." "We need a £1o deposit." " Look, my money is in the locker." " I can't help you." " Give me a key!" " I don't have the authority..." " GIVE ME A KEY!" " You'd better get off to your office." "(CHILDREN LAUGH AND SHOUT)" ""The Day Today" - game warden to the events rhino." "Coming up, microtometercandyhell." "First a look at programmes tonight on BBC2." "And at ten past ten, it's "Question Time", live from Wembley Stadium." "Let's hear from the questioner..." "That's "Question Time" tonight at ten past ten." "On the panel, Virginia Bottomley, Tony Banks, Sir William Rees-Mogg and Nik Kershaw." "And then at 11. 15, it's "The Day Today" special, "Camfam"." "The Hall family of Lincoln have agreed to have cameras implanted into their faces to give us a unique view of family life." "Oscar!" "Oscar!" "What is the golden rule?" "What is the golden rule?" "You know what it is - don't touch Daddy's car." "Turn it off." " Mum said I could." " Mum said you could?" " Roy!" "Roy!" " Did you tell him he could touch the car?" " No, I didn't." " You little liar!" " Roy, Roy!" "Calm down!" " I am calm!" "Don't you..." " Get out the car!" " Roy, stop it!" "Roy!" "Christ!" "After that, a "Day Today" information special from Conor Hammil." "Hey!" "Look at me!" "I'm driving my sports car." "Going at 5o, 6o, 7o!" "The wind's in my hair... 8o!" "Look." "A bend." "Who cares?" "9o!" "Get out of my way, you squares!" "I'm doing 1oo 'cause it's cool to drive fast." "Of course it's cool." "Just one question..." "Is this cool?" "Is this cool?" "Is this cool?" "Is this cool?" "Is this cool?" "Is that cool?" "All these people, are they cool?" "Is this cool?" "This guy..." "Cool, is he?" "This guy, is he cool?" "This woman, is she cool?" "So, what about me?" "Do I look cool?" "Well, do I?" "Do I look cool?" "Do I really look cool?" "Do I?" "Do I?" "Do I?" "!" "Yes or no?" "Find out tonight on BBC2." "Coming up - 500 more uncles laid off in Derbyshire..." "My nieces and nephews called me this morning and said, "Sorry, but we have to let you go."" "...and controversy over new police shirts." "We've been issued with these new shirts, and I and many officers feel they're too small." "A week of foul-tempered debate ended this afternoon as finance ministers agreed new quota rates with the United States." "In Brussels is Peter O'Hanraha-hanrahan." "Peter, what is the new rate?" "It's 3o per cent." "Agreement was a long time coming, but the decision was unanimous." "The Germans were holding out for 4o per cent." "That's right." "When I spoke to Finance Minister Reinhardt today, he said he didn't like it, but he'd go along with it." "You spoke to him?" "He's a tricky man, isn't he?" "That's right." "He was in the hotel." "You conducted a conversation about the quota rates?" "Yes." "He said he didn't like it, but he'd go along with it." "What language did you conduct this conversation in, Peter?" "German." " You spoke to him about the deal in German?" " Yes." " So, what's German for "3o per cent"?" " Trenter per center." " Dreißig Prozent?" " Yes." "That quote, " I don't like it, but I'll go along with it"?" " That's what he said." " How did he say it?" " "I don't like it, but I'll along with it."" " In German, how did he say it?" ""Ich nichten lichten..."" "Presumably you mean... (SPEAKS GERMAN)" " Yes." " No, you don't, Peter, because that means "Get me a taxi, I'm late for my plane!"" "Now, did you speak to the German finance minister?" " No." " And what was his reaction?" " I don't know." " Peter, thank you." ""Enviromation", from me, Rosy May." "The vast arm protruding from the South Pole is continuing to grow." "All fingers have now fully emerged, along with sections of the wrist." "An international conference will be held to discuss the arm, now over a mile high." "Another pasta slick has washed up in Devon, threatening gulls, terns and starfish." "These birds were among over 1,000 found drenched in linguini near Exmouth today." "Several basking sharks are also believed to have become clogged up." "I'm Rosy May and I'm sitting on your sphere." "Back to today's races." "Alan Partridge is at the, erm..." "It's his bed, let him lie in it." "I'm Alan Partridge." "You're at Marple with me." "Just a quick look at the betting." "The 6.3o has a 5o-minute delay due to a fight near the paddocks between two officials, one of them now hospitalised, but..." "I have with me the winner of the last race." "Come here!" "Mickey Doolan." "How are you?" " I'm very well." " Are you?" "Now, how do you feel?" "You won the last race." "How do you feel?" "Well, I'm very pleased." "It was hard." "I won by a nose..." "And your mum and dad must be pleased." "Don't they think you're missing schoolwork?" " Well, I'm a bit old for that." "I'm 33..." " What?" "!" " That's right." "I'm 33." " You're 33?" "!" " That's right." " But I thought you..." "You look about 14!" "I'll take that as a compliment, you know?" " Are you really 33 years old?" " 33." "That's right." "My God!" "Well..." "All the others, are they like?" "Are they sort of?" " They're not children?" " Well, age varies from about 18 to 42." " But you're so small!" " That's the idea." "If I was any bigger, I wouldn't have won the race." "Right." "That's why Brian Blessed never rides horses." "Makes sense." "Right." "Well, thanks very much, Mickey Doolan." "Mickey Doolan here at Marple." "Raining!" "News feltchl" "Music news now, from satellite channel "Rok TV"." ""Rok TV", watched the world over by superstars like Elton John," "Noel Edmonds and Mick Hucknall." " Hi!" "I'm Harfynn Teuport." " Wowl It's Harfynn Teuportl" "Coming up soon, some more." "First, news brought by Elastoplast, the faster plaster." "The work of Bob Dylan is to be reappraised following the discovery of a film which shows several of his songs, including "Subterranean Homesick Blues", being sung as long ago as 1947 by the singer-songwriter George Formby." "# Oh, look out, kid, you're gonna get hit" "# By losers, cheaters, six-time users hang around the theatres" "# Girl by the whirlpool's lookin' for a new fool" "# Don't follow leaders, watch the parkin' meters" "# Ha-hey!" "#" "Dylan, in hospital after eating rotten wool, has been unavailable for comment." "Hellol lan Curtis herel I watch "Rok TV" every day." "That's the news where it's gone." "Time now for Sukie Bapswent." " What-ho!" "I'm Sukie Bapswent." " Mmm!" "Uh-oh!" "Now go "wow" for the latest sounds from Nirvana." "They've been commissioned for the latest Panty Smile sanitary products campaign." "OK, boys." "Hit me with those ultra pads." "# Once a month, you become a slave" "# To a tidal wave, yeah" "# Body's little clock" "# Could mess up your frock" "# But Panty Smile's a lovely thing" "# It absorbs everything" "# You can wear them in the high street" "# Body contours, very discreet" "# And the comfort you won't believe" "# 'Cause the topsheet is a dry-weave, yeah!" "# Panty Smile" "# Panty Smile" "# Panty Smile" "Hil I'm Sinéad O'Connor and I watch "Rok TV"." "American rapping now." "American rapper Fur Q is in trouble over his song "Uzi Lover"." "During the stage version in the live show, he kills five people on the stage during the show, live, as it's performed." "# Cop!" "Bitch!" "Cop, bitch, mother!"" "# Uzi lover" "# She's an Uzi lover... #" "I set them on fire with petroleum, and then after about half a minute, um... put a gun in each one's face and pull the trigger." "The whole controversy is preposterous." "These killings are obviously ironic." "# Uzi like a metal dick in my hand" "# Magazine like a big testicle gland" "# Bitch wanna try it, I said, "Keep her quiet"" "# Shove it up her mother... ass and fry it... #" "You gotta kill people to have respect for people." "Uh..." "# Uh-huh!" "I did the bitch in, as she lay twitchin'" " # I knew that she's a..." " # She's an Uzi lover... #" "You've got to kill some people, anyway." "You can't kill everybody... uh... 'cause you wouldn't have anybody left to respect if you did." "# He was grateful I shot his pate full" "# Mother... pig was an Uzi lover... #" "When he goes to England this month, one of the people he'll be doing the killing to is Radio 1 DJ Mark Goodier." "# Cop f... bitch f... cop f... mother..." "bitch f... cop bitch f... cop mother..." "# Uh-huh-huh-huh... #" "Just time for a look at tomorrow's headlines." ""Arafat ablaze in kerosene oyster hell" in the "Telegraph"." ""Today" - "Peter Collins is not a man."" ""The Catholic Herald", " Eating turkey at Christmas is like nailing an egg to the cross says bishop."" "And "The New Zealand Prendergast" - "Russia elects cobweb."" "That's "The Day Today" on the day we asked," ""Are these the real Birmingham bombers?"" "Goodnight."