"DEEP IN THE VALLEY (2009)" "This is another stupid erotic movie." "Youarewatchingthe DiamondZone ." "America'stopadultnetwork." "upnext its..." "Hey!" "Hey!" "It 'sDiamondJim here." "Readytorockyourworld" "Lockthedoor" "Throwthetarponthecouch  andgetready." "It'stimeforthe  DIAMONDJIMMARATHON" "WooWooAw-ahYeah" "It'sa Scrapbookofsome ofmy hottesthits ...Including:"CheerLeaderDebutantes3:" "GettinWet" " DebutantNurses9:" "MissionaryImpossible" andof course:"CandyStriperCuties14:" "YouGotTail"..." "Sojoinallyourfavoritestars , IncludingAutumnBliss..." "Gimmea " T",giveme an "A "" "DaphneCheeks..." "I'msowet!" "SuzieDiablo..." "Submit!" "andofcoursethe hottestpieceofass  knowntomankind:" "Bambi.." "I'mallyours." "Butwaitthereismore !" "Startdialingthatphone" "Becauseoneof youluckybastardscould bethe next winner of one of these bitch-en prizes." "HowaboutaLeatherBarcaLounge?" "Treated with2stainguards thatwipeclean oran86 PontiacFiero." "Come on!" "Fittedwitharacingpackagewithbumper chrome" "Come on!" "Andthegranddaddyofthemall!" "thevintageDiamondJim pornboothsignedbyme," ""DiamondJim"" "allyourdreamscometrue ..right here." "SitbackRelaxand enjoy." "Hello?" "Awesome!" "Ahh me?" "Lester Watts." "W-A-T-T-S." "I'm a boxer man" "Average Size "probably you know" um about 5 n 7 .. 8 inches." "But it is very wide." "Devastating girth." "last night, early this morning  like 20 minutes ago at lunch." "and a pack of smokes" ""TIPS"" "If I had to choose..." "Probably nipple clamps over strap ons." "No more money to tip?" "What else do I like?" "Fucking sixth graders!" "No, No!" "No!" "That's not what I meant!" "Hello?" "..." "I didn't .." "Hello?" "God!" "..." "GRRRRR..." "God!" "..." "Hey!" "man of the hour!" "What's up?" "How did it go?" "I got it." "What?" "Yes." "You just got it?" "and it was beautiful." "I just sat down, eye to eye... and the guy caved on everything." "Huge raise." "Fat title, Sick office." "The works." "Tracy .. how did she take when you told her you were leaving her dad's firm?" "No, No, I haven't .. you know .." "I haven't told her." "Jesus Christ, man!" "Your not giving her enough credit!" "You know she's a great girl, right..." "And she want's best for me, because..." "That is what's best for us." "for the Tracy Carl unit, and..." "Did you just say to me the Tracy Carl unit?" "Bro I have had your back since the bloody asphalt days, of 3rd grade dodge-ball." "Tim Wheaton hit you in the face with a basketball knocked you out" "What did I do?" "I held him down and farted in his mouth." "Carl" "I know, and I appreciate that." "and you know I appreciate that." "I know what's best for you... and and if I were to cut my balls off" "I hope that a good friend would stand up and tell me that I an asshole." "So Carl, as a friend..." "You're an asshole." "Lester, I promise you everything is going to be okay." "Alright?" "It's going to be fine." "Are you out of your fucking mind?" "Leaving Daddy's firm after all he's done for you." "... For us?" "ah well yes, I know, but ... the" "The Wedding you're right it's a hundred grand." "Who's paying?" "Oh That's right, Daddy." "Honeymoon?" "Bing daddy again." "Well he's very generous." "I still don't understand why you want to leave anyway?" "My brothers love it there, and so does uncle Larry." "and Mommy comes by everyday with a healthy homemade nutritious lunch." "You claim you just love." "That is, unless you've been lying...to me ... humph!" "You're not a liar, are you Carl?" "I'm not a liar." "I love your mothers cooking." "I just think...that I" "Carl you've just got to keep an open mind about this... and realize leaving daddy's firm is simply not... going to happen." "Okay, baby?" "End of discussion." "Is the veal okay though?" "A huh a little cold." "It's a good choice." "You know what you don't even have to tell me." "I want to guess." "Is that okay?" "You sat down, eye to eye, and you folded like a little bitch." "Am I Wrong?" "You got the same title, no raise, shitty office..." "What did you call it?" ""The works"." "Mondays mornings." "Welcome to hell." "I mean why is she always so mad at you all the time?" "Come on Bro!" "I think you're the one that should be pissed my friend." "I was thinking maybe I should buy her something ... you know that's special ..." "But it was also creative..." "Get her a retard with a box of crayons." "With one of those sharpeners..." "So he can sharpen it then take the shavings and put them all over his face." "You're going to help." "you know what no I'm not going to help!" "retards love crayons." "What are you doing?" "No no no!" "Don't be that guy." "I'm not calling her." "Alright who are you calling?" "I'm calling to reclaim the job offer." "Just don't be rash you don't have to call right now." "Give it the weekend." "Why give it the weekend?" "What's point, what's going to happen this weekend?" "UM Did you buy this?" "I don't know." "I've been pretty blackout drunk for the last week and a half." "Thanks for asking." "But no I feel like I won it I vaguely remember calling some sweepstakes." "I hope I didn't buy this This thing is priceless." "I couldn't of bought it?" "I couldn't afford this." "Really?" "And I'm the one who has to rethink my life?" "Yeah, you do." "So lets plug the sucker in." "Huh" "This is a piece of history my man." "This is how they kicked at old school." "There was no internet back then." "Just grab a roll of quarters get in and get your horn off" "Thanks for the history lesson, Plug it in" "IT Works!" "It seems to. yes" "Let's check it out." "Come on!" "It's like a time machine, take you back to porn glory days." "Okay." "Why am I longing for those days?" "This is a vintage Diamond Jim porn Booth, Okay" "You know who Diamond Jim is?" "No." "I don't ." "Think Spielberg." "That is the kind of influence that this ... man had on porn." "I mean Before Diamond Jim, porno was dark, dirty and hairy. and" "Diamond Jim just changed everything." ""DJ" made porn fun." "And fun is something that you are sorely lacking these days." "any fun that left in you will be sucked out of you ..." "By "you-know-who."" "Alright." "And not from your .."whew-whoo".." "Because she doesn't do that" "That's inappropriate." "She is a lady." "Get in the porn booth Carl and I will show you some real ladies." "Okay." "Carl!" "What?" "Trust me." "Get in the porn booth." "I'm not gettin in there." "It's vintage, which means used, used means sticky." "I'm not getting in there." "You don't like sticky?" "No." "You don't mind sitting on the couch." "You..." "Let's go!" "Carl, trust me!" "Pickyourflick." "NAUGHTY LITTLE NURSES" "SORORITY NURSES" "NURSES NURSES." "WOW He has a real thing for nurses." "They are nice people." "Ok Carl?" "They help us." "SORORITY SURPRISE" "Holy Shit, " SORORITY SURPRISE " that's insane!" "NO way." "No, no and no." "Why?" "." "SORORITY SURPRISE, you never heard of it?" "I Never have." "It's Diamond Jim's experimental masterpiece." "It an was epic, days of making, when he disappeared off the face of the planet." "Some say that Diamond Jim went insane trying to finish it." "Others say it was the 2 scoops of cocaine he put on his raisin bran every morning." "But here it is!" "Heybud...pickyourflick." "This will put a smile on your face." "I bet it will." "Alright!" "Let'sgetiton." "Are you doing that?" "Stop it" "What's happening?" "Why is it happening?" "When will it stop?" "Stop it!" "Wow!" "Dude!" "bale!" "Whoa!" "That was intense!" "Are you okay?" "I think so." "Man where are we?" "Carl, come on!" "Whoa!" "Freeze!" "Put your hands up!" "I said freeze!" "Get your hands up!" "Do you want us to freeze or get our hands up?" "Shut up punk!" "Britney, frisk him." "We have a concealed weapon here." "It's not what you think." "Is that booze I smell on your breath?" "I'm sorry Officer, we ah did not do anything wrong here." "Oh yeah?" "How does malicious jay walking sound, with intent." "Made up?" "No, really officer, how do I know you." "And you too." "College?" "Man I didn't really go to college, I used to deal weed there." "I didn't really deal weed there." "But I'm just saying how do I know you?" "A A?" "Silence!" "Oh my god!" "Are those regulation uniforms?" "DEEP VALLEY POLICE." "Want to cop to or walk the block?" "Because Rod Cannon has the "numbers" on you and "goods"." "I get it." "That's the book on you!" "Huh?" "That's the book on you, smart guy." "Talkin the talk?" "Well listen up and you better listen good." "You better check wise, and sing the rumble." "or before you know you might find yourself on the rub-out highway to nowhere's ville." "That was the gun son." "You Don't want to see the cannon?" "Get this dumb mug out of my site." "Well Well..." "What do we have here?" "Just another piece of meat." "I...." "Another out burst like that and I will send you straight to the hole." "Wait, wait..." "just listen, okay?" "All I know I'm hanging out with my buddy..." "The next thing I know there are lights and sounds and... we slam in to the ground." "Okay" "And there were Cops." "Titty Cops." "Then they kicked me in the balls and maced me." "And now I'm here." "This is all I know." "You think I haven't heard that one before do you?" "You better get used to it, bitches." "You're the fucking bitch!" "Bitch!" "Shut up you stupid bitch!" "why don't you make me bitch!" "Don't hurt her." "Wait a minute..." "Have we Have we met somewhere before?" "Or something?" "I don't know." "I see punks like you everyday." "Oh my god!" "You're..." "Suzie..." "Suzie Diablo." "Look..." "We can either do this the easy way..." "Or we can do it the hard way." "Wait a minute." "I know the answer I know the next line." "ah" "Could it get me harder?" "Yes!" "I think it just did!" "Bingo!" "You guys want to... keep this open." "No." "We're good." "You're good. yeah." "One way or another You're going to tell me what I want to know." "Even if" " I have to "suck" it out of you." "Oh I'm not talking!" "I'm not talking." "You can't get me to talk." "Lester!" "Oh my god!" "What's he doing here?" "Baby it's Okay, That's my buddy." "He understands, she needs information." "I can explain." "Well that's great explain later." "Come on." "You can't get away!" "I'll track you down until I get what I want!" "Come on!" "Lets go!" "Lets go!" "Come on!" "Excuse me." "Oh my god!" "What?" "Hi Rod!" "HI Rod!" "This way!" "This is all my fault!" "Don't sweat it sister." "We're going to track house to house." "We're going to bag those plugs before the blue plate hits the counter." "Yeah?" "Oh yeah." "Can it tippy" "Can it Rod is always here for the taking, you know." "But with these punks..." "these mugs." "These goofa loofa dufs lose in my engine." "It's track one for trouble time." "Okay, I think." "Okay." "Oh my God!" "My T-shirt is so wet!" "Oh my gosh!" "It's so cold!" "Look!" "Now I'm way wetter than you are!" "No I'm wetter!" "Whoa girls,now you're both wet." "Alright let's take a vote." "Yes, Miss Bliss." "Who's wetter?" "Brandy or Mandy?" "I want to play." "Now you're wetter." "Have you every seen anything like this?" "Yes, Yes my friend I have." "This is the opening scene of "Dirty talking co-eds."" "Alright that's enough of the jokes." "I'm serious." "Alright" "Bro this is not a joke and I don't even know how to be more serious." "And "Like wow this is definitely the wet-est I have ever been."" "Really?" "I'm so wet Like Wow this is definitely the wet-est I have ever been."" "What?" "yeah That chick back at the police station..." "Her name is Suzie Diablo." "She is a porn star." "She has a black belt in SM and is nothing but trouble." "And this girl.." "Her name is Autumn Bliss." "She is the den mother here at Tri Pi sorority." "She keeps the girls in line." "Dirty little hussies." "And her that there is Daphne Cheeks, The BLONDE one." "She is a water sports specialist" "If you know what I'm saying." "It's one of my personal favorites" "And in 5... 4... 3... 2... 1..." "That is Bambi Cummings." "She is the best of the best, Carl." "Let me take that Bambi." "Thanks." "Hi girls!" "Hi Bambi." "Hi Bambi." "End of story." "Carl, I think we have to seriously consider the possibility that we died back there..." "We got Electrocuted in that booth." "And now, we somehow, made it to heaven." "Praise Jesus ..." "No, no." "This is just a bad drunk dream." "And any minute, I'm going to wake up and everything will be the way it was." "Well, not exactly." "Diamond Jim." "In the flesh my friend." "And please, call me DJ." "DJ, please tell me this is some sort of dream or something." "Or are we dead?" "The answer is yes and no." "I told you!" "See it's like this on the one hand, you have taken on an alternative form of existence..." "Which could be construed as some sort of a dream like state." "But on the other hand since you physically traveled here" "You no longer exist back home." "So technically you are considered dead." "Yes!" "But not really because you're here and you're alive." "So wait, wait." "are you saying..." "That we have traveled to some sort of alternate porno flick dimension?" "Or perhaps, if you will, a porno-ville?" "Well, if looks like porn and smells like porn..." "It must be porno!" "Oh!" "Yes!" "Thank you Thank you Thank you." "No, no, no." "This is not happening." "Oh it's happening Carl." "You see you were brought here for a reason." "And like any great journey..." "The true adventure is figuring that reason out." "Or something." "Cool, I love meaningful journeys." "If you could just do me a favor and point me in the direction of one of those dimension altering porn booths..." "And I'll just make my way home." "Carl, you don't punch a ticket home until you complete the journey." "No fast forward." "You dig son?" "Now here are the rules." "Listen up." "There are none!" "Ha!" "Ha!" "Ha!" "Shut the fuck up." "No way." "Wait hang on." "Is there one?" "Shit." "I don't remember." "Hey Do what ever the hell you want." "It gets better, Huh?" "But boys a piece of advice:" "Just keep it simple." "Oh he's gone Prick" "Okay so we can't hide out here in the open then." "Hey we can hide up there." "They have an attic up there they never use." "How do you know that?" "Because in Co-ed Cupcakes 9"..." "The girls have a sconce with a vibrating wee-gee board." "That they think is haunted by a ghost with a 20 inch sch-long." "They call "The Cock Ness Monster", that lives in the attic that they never use." "Aw-ah I should have been a better friend to you?" "Yeah." "Great, Alright fine, let's go." "Okay." "But first, we have to hide here for 5 more minutes." "Why?" "They are about to have an orgy Bro." "Alright let's go." "Man, this is really crazy!" "What?" "What?" "Check this out!" "Oh holy shit!" "Why do they need all this desert?" "I don't understand." "God, That was fun." "I know." "But the party has just begun." "Look what I have for us." "You got chocolate to go with that?" "Yes." "It's nice and cold." "Don't forget the cherrys girls." "We won't Miss Bliss." "Yummy" "Hey, No, no, no..." "Lester, we got to go." "They Forgot the cherries." "No, no, no, we got go." "They forgot the cherries." "We got to go." "COMPOSE!" "Compose" "I'll take Mr. Boo-Boo." "Good idea!" "I'm going to take a shower." "But I always take showers." "Oh yeah, I forgot." "You're Silly." "You can change here if you want." "Cool, how do I get in the shower!" "Okay." "Okay." "Who are you?" "And what are you doing in my closet?" "I'm Sorry, I'm Sorry, I'm sorry I can explain." "You'd better or I'll start screaming." "No, No, No, Don't scream!" "Don't scream, please, please, please!" "Okay, I came here in a booth." "A movie booth." "But it's not a movie booth." "It's a time portal dimension jumping mach...." "Are sure you want to hear this?" "Oh I'm quite sure." "Ah hum" "Quality control mam." "Ah..." "I've been inspecting these items." "I afraid I'm going to have to seize them all." "What?" "..." "Even Mr. Boo-Boo?" "Oh, Especially Mr. Boo-Boo." "Oh!" "So..., you're from outer space?" "Ah..." "No not exactly." "Are you going to eat me?" "I'm not No!" "No!" "I'm not going to do anything to you." "I just..." "I..." "I need to go home." "Oh!" "Gee Mr..." "Are you absolutely positive you have to take all of them?" "Absolutely sure." "Well... are you sure there's nothing I could do... to change your mind?" "Well .." "I. .." "I'm sure aa..." "And where did you land here?" "I don't know." "There was an alley." "And then we got arrested." "Everything was happening so fast that I don't..." "Looks like things are not slowing down anytime soon." "RODSROD" "It's that guy that crazy detective guy with the tooth pick." "And I don't know what he's saying." "That's detective Rod Cannon he away gets his man." "You guys got to hide." "Are you going to help us?" "Of course silly." "Thanks." "Daphne, you got to hide these 2 and quick!" "Rod is here." "Rod Cannon?" "The long sch-long of the law, Rod Cannon?" "Did he interrogate you?" "Yeah, kind of." "Oh shit bro!" "You do not to be caught by Rod." "He always gets his man." "If you know what mean?" "I usually don't know what you mean, and now it's no exception right now." "Well!" ", If it isn't Rod Cannon." "Good afternoon, Miss Bliss." "What can I do for you today detective?" "official business." "Rod..." "You know you boys aren't allowed upstairs without an escort." "Like I said sweetie, it's official." "He's coming." "Open up." "Police." "Hey guys, what's up?" "Step aside, please." "I need to have a look see... in there." "Cool." "Is something wrong?" "That's confidential." "Awesome." "Have fun." "Okay." "So you girls, seen anything out of the ordinary?" "Something funny?" "Rod, is there something we should be worried about?" "I'm a working man cupcake." "So it's Detective Cannon to you." "And please I'm the one asking questions here miss." "Do you understand?" "Turn it off!" "I don't know how." "How long have you had this for?" "How long do you want me to have had it for?" "Rod, are you going to tell us what's going on or not." "Nothing that I can't handle." "Just a couple hoods on the lamb." "You know me." "I always get my man." "Put it in the window." "1... 2... 3..." "You hear something?" "No, no." "Alright." "So my work here is done." "Rod, we have your number." "Jesus Christ!" "OW OW!" "OW OW!" "We have to get you guys to the hospital." "NO NO We Don't need doctors." "Yes, and besides there's lots of crazy gadgets there maybe one of them can help you get home." "Okay." "Thank you." "That's nice. yeah." "Let me do my hair first." "And the hospital later, Okay." "What's happening?" "Wouldn't you say you're risking quite a bit for this mysterious stranger?" "You know me." "I'm always a sucker for the new guy." "Poor Carl, is so sweet and helpless." "I mean look at them." "So everyday these Palukas ride the streets." "Is an embarrassment." "Embarrassment not only for me, but for the entire department." "No one and I mean makes a clean sneak from the clubhouse and walks." "Not on my watch." "Not on my watch." "Sir, I just landed a tip..." "No not that." "They been spotted at the hospital." "Diablo, slant the hospital." "Dick, Lance, hit the campus." "I want these hoods back by nightfall." "Or there will be hell to pay." "Get out of here. come on, move, lets see movement, lets move, lets move, lets move." "Other way, Other way, go!" "MAIN ENTRANCE EMERGENCY." ""Thepinkzoneisforunloadingonly."" "I have a contorted leg bone." "I need 600 gallons of Toxinaguey." "What the hell?" "Where did you study medicine?" "This one here has got a "humus erectus." and it's yeah it's huge!" "What are you doing?" "Doctor, are they going to be okay?" "Right now it doesn't look good." "But you sure as hell do." "Is there anything I can do?" "Well I'm sure I can think of something." "Okay." ""AllvisitorsforDr. JellyFingersPleaseusethe rearentry"" "Carl What are you doing?" "Look I have to get out of here." "I can't waste my time with this." "I gotta find the portal I gotta go home." "Let's just grab Lester  we'll go." "Okay" "I Can't." "Oh... yeah." "I have to go to cheer leading practice." "Try outs are tomorrow." "Oh..." "And besides we can't arouse any suspicions." "Yeah No, I understand." "You have already done so much..." "But, I still want to help them." "After you find Lester..." "Come back to the Pi house DaphneandIwillfind youguysa placetohide." "Right okay." "Thanks Bambi." "Sure thing." "and good luck." "Ah  Good luck to you." "Thank you... to you" "Where are they?" "Hey girls, Do you want to get it on with me?" "Do you want to do?" "Are you ready for your sponge bath?" "Ah.." "Yes" "Now turn over." "Okay" "We always start with the back." "But don't worry, we always finish with the front." "Oh yeah are you excited?" "Not really." "Not really." "Yeah get down in the crack there." ""Dr.Bushwood,pleaseprepare" "foraninjection."" ""Dr.Bushwood,prepare" "fora biginjection."" "Heh?" "Bubbles?" "Oh.." "Hi..." "Shh h!" "WOW!" "That looked painful." "Hello Lestie." ""Dr.DickLow,callgynecologystat. "" "Ow-oh baby, looks like I'm strapped in" "It wasn't very nice running out on me." "It's all about timing baby." "Look,I 'mnotgoinganywhere..." "So, I guess now is the time." "If you get what I'm saying?" "What's that thing?" "I assure you this indeed will hurt." "Wait wait minute..." "You mean like roll play hurt?" "Uh um!" "Or honest to God..." "Hurt?" "Yeah" "Whoa Whoa Wait, no no you don't want to do that." "YES!" "Dr. Jellyfinger!" "Dr. Jellyfinger!" "Dr Jelly Finger" "Oh no that's not my..." "Your patient is waiting." "I don't have patients." "What if I told you..." "What..." "What if I told you that..." "I'm a virgin?" "Aw-ah fuck it!" "I'm stalling get it over with!" "Ah ah ah ow-ow ah ah ow-ow ouch ah ah ow-ow ow-ow!" "Doctor, it's so good to see you." "So... um" "What ah... seems to be the problem?" "It's my nipples." "They taste funny." "O ak a would you, excuse me for a......." "Oh ah!" "ah gr ow-ow........... ah weird!" "Carl, help me!" "Don't ever say a word about th..." "I Don't know what you're..." "I have no idea what you're talking about." "Good!" "Nothing!" "Ga-ow!" "My legs!" "Whoa Whoa Whoa that's where we landed!" "That's where we landed that's where we dropped." "I don't care!" "Let's go she coming with that thing!" "Let's go!" "Come on!" "Um m....." "Okay" "It's still there yet!" "." "Look, I'm..." "Don't touch me!" "Look I..." "I'm going to count to three, okay?" "Keep them closed." "One....." "Err Err rrrrr !" "Err Err !" "Err" "Don't ever say a word about this ever!" "No!" "No!" "No Never absolutely I would not do that." "Go!" "Go!" "Go!" "Go!" "Gave you the slip." "Huh?" "Let me tell you something missy" "I want those twists bar bound ASAP." "If not, it's your badge Got me sister?" "Move it!" "So why don't you tell me something about yourself." "Okay, I'm 21 years and I'm a Capricorn." "I'm 5' 7" and weight 110 pounds." "My sound measures 34C-24-34." "My turn ons include candlelight dinners ," "Guys who make me laugh... and long bubble baths and, my goal in life is to make the world Smile." "ah heh!" "You know what?" "Lately I've been having these thoughts." "New thoughts." "I just think that there must be more to life than sex." "Gosh!" "I mean it's..." "Always sex!" "Sex." "Sex." "Sex." "It seems like something there might be something missing." "Yeah.., like.., like love.., perhaps." "Love." "What do you mean?" "Well, you know, love." "When you have sex with someone that you love... the sex is better!" "Okay, So I'm supposed to have sex with the people that I love?" "Yeah, Absolutely." "How do you know if you're falling in love?" "Well that is the great mystery." "Maybe it's something that you catch in a person's eyes..." "That touches you..." "Or may be it's the way that person treats you." "the way they understand, they listen." "Let's make love right now." "What?" "you want to make.... now?" "I..." "I gotta go to the bathroom." "What?" "Don't you love me?" "It's not that." "I just you know I..." "I should... well 2 seconds bit. give me 2 seconds" "So, I found myself outside of San Antonio" "Around about midnight on a cold January eve." "I was shacked up on an old Pentecostal church... with Ruby Jo Greenberg." "Who was on foot now with old "Chief Red Cloud."" "He's out of Mazoola way....." "He makes his living trading arrow heads for..." "Firewater and Mescal South of the border." "He carries around a dream catcher..." "Do you want to take a bath and fuck?" "Yeah, okay." "Okay" "Some people say that it's not cheating if your in a different state." "So I don't really see how it can be cheating..." "If you're in a different fucking dimension?" "You need to lighten up Bro..." "Come on, Alright here, Carl here's what you do." "Alright you go back in there and you man up." "You know, I think you need to realize something this is not a joke." "Alright, If we don't figure what's what we may be doomed... here forever." "I think you might be over reacting just little a bit." "I mean sure things are not going our way right now." "But As soon as we work out the kinks, Come on everything's gonna be great." "Look, It's just you know, I have," "I have a life to get back to, a real life!" "And, Wait a minute. you and I have a dog together...." "Charlie!" "Charlie, Yeah." "Okay..." "Let me tell you what:" "if I give all this up..." "You have got to promise me right now that you will at least try and make some changes in your life." "I'm sorry." "What does that mean?" "I Don't want you going back and living your same shitty life Carl." "Wait a minute." "I have a shitty life?" "You have the shittiest life." "Yes." "You're about to marry a woman who's not gonna let you be you." "And not only that, she's turned you into a bitch," "You're a little bitch, she cooks them" "She owns them and now you're a bitch!" "I don't even know you anymore." "Whoa!" "..." "Whoa!" "..." "Whoa!" "..." "Whoa!" "..." "Whoa!" "..." "Whoa..." "Come here" "Alright, So where should we look for the way..." "Whoa, I tell you what I have a million ideas all brewing up here." "I can't wait to get working on them ASAP..." "But first you're going to have to let me take a bath." "With Daphne." "She's ready to rock." "So if I can get you to leave the bathroom it would be really great" "Okay, So first thing tomorrow then?" "Oh yeah, totally tomorrow, perfect, looking forward to it." "Have fun." "Okay." "Carl, that was the "longest" 2 seconds of my life." "This is about right. whew" "Hi Papi." "I hope you brought ice." "Why do I need ice?" "aw-ah" "Hey... wait here." "I forgot you're a Tri Pi." "You pledged in "Dirty Talking Co-eds 11"..." "I knew that." "I'm so stupid!" " Suzie Diablo ------ "speaking in spanish"" "I don't know what you're saying." "I don't speak that language." "Bitch!" "Yeah Carl." "Oh my God!" "What is going on?" "That is the woman from the hospital who um..." "Whoa whoa dude see what?" "I don't know her." "Who um... who hurt Lester." "Bitch, puked on my face." "OhOhOh..." "You need to find another place to hide." "But where?" "DEEP VALLEY COLLEGE" "Of all the places Bambi could think of for us to hide..." "Do I have vomit on my eyebrow?" "No, I got all of it I Think." "Lock it." "GIRLS LOCKER ROOM" "How they doing?" "Everything, Okay?" "Look you know Bambi has really gone out of her way to help us." "And by the way so has Daphne." "I just you know I just think we should make it easy on them, not get them in any more trouble." "You cock sucker, I knew!" "You're in to her, aren't you?" "She's cute, but you know she's not even real." "First of all, Bambi Cummings is the hot-est of the hot Carl." "She's like microwave lasagna hot." "Secondly, she wants you and I don't know why." "It's retarded to me." "There's a million swinging dicks here." "She could have anyone she wants." "And she's chosen you!" "Bambi Cummings is real." "She's real enough to touch." "She's real enough to squeeze." "and she's real enough to put her shit on the line for us." "Okay?" "That's real." "Goodnight Carl, I love you." "I love you too." "Shit!" "You made me say it." "Aren't we in a good mood today?" "I know, I just feel so..." "I don't know, you know..." "Is it....." "Carl?" "You know about Carl?" "Of course sweetie, Daphne told me." "Oh... doesn't he sound like a cutie?" "Oh, he is" "It's just I have never felt like this before." "I think I'm in love." "Love..." "WOW!" "What does that feel like?" "Oh well ah, At first I can't get it out of my mind." "You know?" "and then I get this pit in my stomach and my heart is pumping really hard and... it's hard for me to breathe and then I get this headache..." "It's so awesome!" "You know." "Oh... whew.." "WOW!" "That's exactly how I felt after my first double penetration." "You know what they say:" "you never forget your first." "I know!" "..." "Oh Bambi!" "It's not here ." "What's not?" "What you're looking for Carl." "Hey DJ, Can you just please tell me where the portal is so I can get out of here." "How about if I give you a hint Carl?" "Okay." "Yeah, please." "Give me a hint." "Give me a hint." "Your way back home is not thru something that you can touch..." "But rather something.... you can feel." "Okay" "Okay DJ." "So If you're not going show me how to get home..." "Maybe you could give me some actual useful information, you know like, ahh Rod" "Why?" "Why is he chasing us all over town?" "Because that's his job!" "Rod is a cop!" "That's what cops do!" "They chase people around." "That's what it is." "It's like Bambi." "Bambi is going to be the hottest dam sorority cheer leader there ever was." "Sexy!" "I, I so want to kick your ass right now." "I don't know if I could, but you're not helping me. ok." "You want to throw?" "I don't know if I have to beat it out of you..." "You want me to go Cobra on you?" "If you must..." "I'll take you down" "Show me some feeling!" "That's your adventure!" "I'll choose my own adventure." "Alright!" "Feel it." "That's all I'm saying." "Stop" "Bang!" "Don't," "That hurt." "Lookout, land shark." "What?" "What a dick!" "I'm so excited about try outs." "I would do anything to make the squad." "Me too." "There's absolutely nothing that I wouldn't do." "I just heard they're short one judge and they might cancel try outs." "No!" "Now listen sister, want to "play ball" or what?" "Yeah!" "Hold on cupcake." "If you want the "ALLIGATOR", you're gonna have to spill the beans." "I promised Bambi I wouldn't tell." "Okay then." "No,No, No, okay, He's ahh." "Okay umm, On campus girls locker room." "Hey, hey!" "Cool your jets Tippy." "I got the junk." "Valley campus, girls locker room, over!" "Alright let's chew." "Well if he doesn't show, we're gonna have to cancel." "Sorry I'm late." "Car trouble." "Let's get it on!" "By the power vested in me as the coolest and best looking judge in the valley..." "I here by announce this year's cheer captain as Bambi Cummings." "Thanks, Lester." "There he is!" "Shit!" "Come on, you ass!" "Open it, open it, open it!" "Open it!" "The big guys are coming, open it." "Ah Oh... key broke." "Oh God!" "Oh... word!" "Come on." "Boobies!" "You're going to fix this?" "I'm sorry, I thought, I have a plan." "His name is Busta..." "Busta Nut." "Want to be a rapper turned porn star." "Directed a few.." "low budget videos for some no name MC's" "He hooked up with Jim Diamond and..." "Well ah!" "A franchise was born." "Okay, How does that help us get home?" "Dude's got a whole collection of old school video style games in the basement down stairs." "Carl" "Booth style games." "Feel me?" "Yes, Okay." "Good, Good, Good." "Really?" "Follow my lead." "Back the fuck up bitch!" "Summa Eve!" "Hey..." "You..." "You know me." "It's me, Looka my..." "Rumpa..." "Rumpa..." "Rumpa Thumpa." "Rumpa Thumpa." "Check this out!" "Okay!" "With the "pop" and the "bang bang"..." "And click backing itself up to the you know what." "Would you like a little bit..." "Lestermakeschickensounds" "Alright Rumpa... my brother." "That's right" "This is my boy, PBJ." "We call him hot Carl." "He likes when girls poop on him Tell her!" "I like it when girls poop on me." "Very sick fuck, but we fit in here." "So girl..." "We just listened to some music, saw the girls... thought we would come down and see what's cracklin." "So do I get a plus one." "Come on in." "Thanks girl." "I love your work." "Hi!" "Umm, I'm stimulated." "and discombobulated." "I'm gonna get all ya pregnant tonight." "I'm gonna leave it in." "And you know you love that!" "A huh" "That's him right there, That's him, Look at the pimp." "See him, That's him Busta, Busta Nut." "I love you because you never judged me on the fact that I was uncircumcised." "I love that about you." "And you know my dick got a leg warmer on it." "You still love daddy." "He's a mag-player a motherfucking Macumba!" "Okay!" "Can you stop with that?" "Stop and where is the thing?" "Oh where." "Oh yeah." "Sorry yeah..." "time machine portal thingamabob?" "Probably gonna find it over there in VIP, down the stairs." "Oh my God!" "Is that Carl?" "And why is he going over there?" "Oh maybe that's where his spaceship is." "Bam..." "Hey sugar." "Hi, hi." "Want to party?" "Ahh..." "Yes." "Yes, Okay we'll party." "I have..." "to meet my friend over there." "Okay." "You both look great." "Bye." "Let me thru." "Bam Bam!" "What's wrong?" "What are these?" "We're out of here!" "Here's your drink." "May I?" "Arrgh Yes!" "Do you want some?" "Yeah!" "Mmm!" "Oh It's Warm!" "Yeah argh!" "Shit man." "I said what, "mother fuck are you crazy?"" "I stuck my pile cup right up in his pork shank for sure." "Ain't no mother fucker spin it like my brother Rumpa!" "Smoke?" "This came out of ass too." "Did it?" "Yup!" "Ahhhhh!" "uh um" "Butt smoking crack!" "Literally." "Excuse me." "I I'm I know one of ." "Hey Yoh Yoh my boy!" "Suck this mother fuckers dick." "Do it!" "Yoh dog!" "Give him some car wash." "Yoh liz look over here man..." "Ah Hey it's cool man." "Ah He's a mother fuckin turd in a punch bowl lil crack ass but he's my... he's my boy." "I just be right back." "Okay Save my spot." "Tap Tap" "You better go get that mother fucker?" "Kickhimout" "Holly shit!" "Well here it is." "Alright." "Well." "Go ahead and get in." "You're not coming." "I love you, but I struck the lottery here Bro." "I belong here." "If this thing works, you can ride it back anytime you want." "And who knows maybe even sometimes I'll come for holidays, like Kwanzaa." "Alright." "Well..." "Bye!" "Bye." "There we go!" "Holly shit, it works." "Alright." "What the fuck is this?" "It looks like some kind of video game." "Where you have to use the cock to shoot all the titties." "Well looks like your screwed." "Shall we go back upstairs?" "You said this was gonna work!" "Make it work!" "I'm sorry." "He... died." "GAME OVER" "Whoa!" "Whoa!" "Whoa!" "Whoa!" "Yes Yes Yes Okay, Another One more." "Let's go!" "Freeze!" "Oh My God!" "What kind of bitch ass mother fuckers do you think we are?" "You think those are mother fuckin guns?" "This here is a mother fuckin gun." "Ain't that right my man?" "You ain't no mother fuckin Rumpa." "I... he was..." "Check that out!" "You mother fuckers and don't come around here!" "I'll beat the Grizzly Adams shit out of you!" "You Andy Griffith lookin mother fucker, get to dance n again." "You're on your own." "Don't look at me, don't look at me!" "I know that didn't go so well." "Didn't go so well?" "No Check it out." "Don't give that look." "I've got the "cure" Carl." "I've got our way out of here." "Two words." ""Babysitter Orgy."" "Oh!" "My God!" "There's a house down here that I recognized from earlier." "I knew I recognized it, but." "Oh my god, I'm trapped here forever with you." "You say that like it's a bad thing." "I should have never listened to you." "You work in a liquor store..." "And now you've dragged me into your porn fueled world." "You're the biggest loser I know." "I deserve this." "Really." "So thanks." "Is that right?" "Yeah." "You know what Carl?" "Boo Hoo yeah Oh "I'm Carl, Oh there's too many boobies." "How can you do this to me Lester?" "How can you bring me to the greatest place on the Earth?" "You know what about me, I should be getting laid-ed two at a time , twice day..." "But no, I have deal with your whining ass all the time." "Aw ah I'm sorry!" "I'm the one that gets kicked in the balls over and over and over... and I end up lying in my own puke, and that thing at the hospital." "Don't say a word, But don't tell nobody." "You know what?" "To hell with you." "To hell with me?" "Yes." "To hell with me?" "Right" "To hell with you!" "Okay!" "No, you." "I got..." "These are all for you, Alright?" "Go get laid-ed!" "Enjoy, enjoy!" "I will." "You're a baby." "Come on!" "Hey hey" "Shit!" "Oh!" "Did I order a pizza?" "Gee, maybe I got the wrong house?" "What kind of pizza is it?" "Extra large sausage and giant meat balls." "Mmm sounds yummy!" "I'm taken your car, pizza boy." "It is my world!" "Watch where you're..." "You know what?" "Fuck you." "Nothin ruining my night." "Good night, Miss Bliss." "Hi Bambi!" "What's wrong ?" "How could you?" "Ah, How could I what?" "I thought you were different." "What are you talking about?" "I saw you tonight." "With those girls." "With which girls?" "So now you're going to lie to me?" "Oh, Those girls?" "No, No, No, No." "I can explain." "I don't want hear it." "I saw what I saw and that's that." "No baby." "Really, it's not what you think." "I I ..." "No Carl, you hurt me, and I don't ever want to see you again." "And to think I ever loved you Carl." "Thank you god." "Oh my God!" "Did you like order a pizza?" "You didn't?" "Who cares?" "I am like totally starving!" "Oh, we don't have any money." "Oh my God, is there like any other way we could pay you?" "I am sure we could think of something." "I was just inside for a second." "Don't sell yourself short stud muffin." "You were harder than "Chinese Math"." "Thank you, sweet tits." "But seriously, who steals a pizza car?" "I'm kickin a hunch." "Now go pin your diapers on and dangle." "Breaker, breaker." "Bust out the chopper squad." "I got the buzz on the hoppy." "Roger" "It's called "The Nervous Game."" "Oh my God!" "I'm like so scared." "Stop!" "Seriously..." "So what you do put one hand on each other..." "Sta..." "Not yet!" "Starting with each other's heads." "Then you move slowly down..." "Pausing to ask: "Are you nervous?".... and if the answer is no, then you keep moving." "and the game doesn't stop until someone says:" ""That makes me nervous."" "But what if nothing makes me "nervous"?" "Then you keep going, and going ..." "Going, going and going and going and going ..." "Okay." "Let's start." "Are you nervous?" "No." "Are you nervous?" "No." "Are you nervous?" "No." "Are you nervous?" "No." "Are you nervous?" "Did you hear something?" "Now you're making me nervous!" "Where is your boyfriend?" "He's not my boyfriend!" "Hello!" "Anybody at home?" "I am the pool boy, and I have come to clean your pool." "Oh!" "and it's so dirty." "Wait !" "We don't even have a pool!" "Fuck this place Carl." "Oh!" "Come on Bambers!" "DJ's partys always cheer you up." "Put on a happy face." "Aw-ah!" "You did the right thing by getting rid of that Carl." "Oh No, I think I made a horrible mistake." "Now I miss him so much it hurts." "I wonder what he is doing now." "Oh God, so that's it, huh?" "Yep." "Well, what's the plan?" "Bambi!" "Daphne!" "Come over here you sweet things!" "OTOH Why the long puss sweet cheeks?" "She'll be fine." "She just needs to relax." "Well, you came to the right place." "Excuse me sweetie." "Come on now." "You sit down, you tell DJ what's going on." "Well, There's this boy that I met... and I treated him bad and now I feel bad." "That's so sad!" "Umm Sorry." "Get out!" "Oh God!" "Great!" "Excellent!" "What is it?" "Aw-ah, this one too." "Aw-ah it's nice." "Okay." "Give it up kinks." "Or else you're both gonna get the Broderick." "What's that?" "I don't know what that is" "I don't know." "Titty twister!" "Yes do it, try it." "Aw-ah!" "Aw-ah!" "Yeah!" "It's not working." "Oh yeah!" "Come on, Come on!" "Okay." "Off me bitch!" "No!" "Okay Now it's!" "Sleep, sleep, sleep." "Not today Rod Cannon!" "Grab him!" "What the hell is going on?" "I'm about to red light these hopheads back to the hoosegow!" "Just stuff it Rod?" "DJ, we just want to go home." "Yeah, I mean, we can't figure out why we're here." "And, by the way, none of us learned a damn thing!" "Is that right?" "So you guys just want to give up the journey, is that right?" "Exactly." "Yeah" "Well, if that's what you really want..." "That's exactly, we're, yes positive." "Okay, Then just do as I say." "Cup your balls, give them a squeeze and say..." ""There's no place like home." "There's no place like home."" ""There's no place like home."" ""There's no place like home."" ""There's no place like home."" "It's not doing you!" "You're dead!" "I hate this guy so much." "The booth is right up there." "Just step inside and off you go." "Go!" "Ho a!" "Ho a!" "Ho a!" "Ho a!" "Hold the phone." "He already said it." "Hold the phone" "Sorry guy!" "..." "You just gonna kick these trouble boys the skip out?" "Will you just up Rod?" "Seriously." "What crime have these guys ever committed anyway?" "Well ah, I mean, I'm not sure specifically." "I mean you know check the statues and everything when I get a chance." "Yeah why don't you do that?" "Rod" "Why don't you check the statutes?" "You're the sorriest cop on the force." "and Rod you're fired." "Excuse me?" "So... what are you guys waiting for?" "What?" "Carl, come on!" "Let's go!" "I guess you learned something important after all." "Well I did DJ, I learned what true love really is." "Oh Jesus!" "I love you Carl." "I love you Bambi." "What happened?" "What did you do to my friend Diamond Jim?" "Bambi?" "Bambi?" "So then,So then I remembered." "It hits me." "Wang" "The one rule in this land:" "You can't fall in love." "Oh DJ that's so unfair." "I love him." "Oh!" "Jesus Christ!" "In this land you can't have that feeling." "Okay I'm sorry." "Yeah that's tough sweetie." "Tough break." "Hey listen, It's been really great getting to know you all." "Hey Lester, Are sure you really really want to go?" "Yeah Bro, I've learned my lesson." "What was that?" "This place is not what I expected it to be." "Okay" "My nuts can't take any more." "And I don't mean in a good way." "Well there is one more thing you should know before you go." "Oh yeah Diamond Jim." "What's that?" "Lester..." "I'm your father." "What!" "That's my son!" "Prince of the Valley" "Carl!" "Where the hell have you been?" "It's been two days." "Do you know what that means?" "That means it's Sunday!" "And..." "Do you know what Sunday is?" "Sunday is food tasting day at the club with my parents." "What the fuck happened to your ceiling?" "I" "Ah, I had to..." "You don't know, No, I don't want to know." "Because right now we're going to go to the club we're going to meet my parents and... we're going to have nice time, okay?" "And tomorrow you will explain everything." "Okay." "So go get changed!" "Chop chop!" "No!" "What did you say?" "I said no." "No!" "Oh!" "No to what?" "No to everything." "No to picking up your parents... and No to going to the food tasting at the club... and also no to ever explaining anything to you!" "You know what you are going to regret this mister!" "Oh!" "Oh really!" "Are you sure?" "Are you sure I Am?" "Yes" "Do I look like I'm going to regret it?" "Yes!" "Yes!" "Look closer!" "Get the hell out of here!" "Get" "Thisboneis notbroken" "DJ, isn't there anything you can do?" "I know the rule but can't you make an exception just this once?" "Bambi you know you have always been my favorite, and I would do anything the world to make you happy." "Then please help me." "Please." "Oh come on DJ do our girl right." "Well, Let's just see what the DJ can do." "Alright" "Thank you, thank you." "Alright..." "There he is." "He's coming out of it." "Boy" "Son, how are you doing?" "You're here." "You're back." "You are the prince of the Valley." "How do you like your life?" "I love you dad." "Are you sure you still want to go?" "No!" "No!" "No!" "I never liked him anyway." "Youarewatching "The Diamond Zone"," "America'stopadultnetwork." "upnext" "What's up buddy?" "It'sLesterdoublewideWattshere comingstraightat you." "Areyoureadytogetiton?" "What" "Andnowforasampling ofsomeof my superhot hits." ""Whatdoyoumeanyoucan't payme ?"" "I'vecleanedthepool." "So..." "Oh!" "Okay consideryourpipesplumbed." "Holdthis." "Areyoureadyfor your"deposition"" "Tshhh..." "That'srightbaby" "Andnow,aspecialdeliveryjustforyou  thehot-estpieceofassthissideof mississippi." "No good..." "I don't want to see this?" "MissBambiCummings." "No." "No." "No." "Bambi?" "Bambi is that you?" "Yes, It's really me." "But, how?" "When your journey ended, it turned out mine had just begun." "Your journey?" "Yes see Carl..." "You came into my life and showed me what I was looking for." "And then DJ told me that if I wanted true love I would... have to go after it myself." "So you gave up your life there to be with me?" "Carl, I would do anything to be with you." "You didn't..." "Anything." "Anything." "SeeCarl?" "ItoldyouI'd Alwayshave your Back ." "That'srightbuddy." "Sincethirdgrade,Dodge-ball." "Lester what are you doing?" "WhatamIdoing?" "I'mhavingthetimeofmylife ." "Twoatatime, twicea day." "Lookslikeyouhaveyour handsfulltoo,Carl." "Yeah, Thanks man." "Thepleasureis allmine." "Seeyouat Kwanzaabuddy." "Yeah, see you at Kwanzaa" "You know they say I'm the best of the best?" "A HUH!" "Think you can handle me?" "Definitely." "T h e E n d" "I want a pack of smokes, come on, make it snappy." "Choke on them punk." "Choke." "T H E _ E N D"