"It's..." "Good evening." "Hello again, and welcome to the show." "Tonight, we continue to look at some famous deaths." "Tonight we start with the wonderful death- of Genghis Khan, conqueror of India." "Take it away, Genghis." "9.1, 9.3, 9.7." "That's 28.1 for Genghis Khan." "Bad luck, Genghis." "Nice to have you on the show." "And now, here are the scores." "Well, you can see the scores now." "St. Stephen in the lead there with his stoning." "Then comes King Richard III at Bosworth Field" "A grand death, that" "Then the very lovely Jean d'Arc." "Then Marat, in his bath" "Best of friends with Charlotte in the showers afterwards." "Then A. Lincoln of the U.S. of A." "A grand little chap, that-- and number six, Genghis Khan" "And the back marker, king Edward VII." "Back to you, Wolfgang." "Thank you, Eddie." "And now, time for this week's request death." "For mr. and mrs." "Violet Steppings- of 23 Wolverston Road, Hull" "The death of mr." "Bruce Foster of Guildford." "Oh, blimey, how time flies!" "Sadly, we are reaching the end of yet another program- and so it is finale time." "We are proud to be bringing to you- one of the evergreen bucket kickers" "Yes, the wonderful death of the famous english admiral Nelson." "Well, good evening, everyone- and welcome to the second of our Italian language classes" "In which we'll be helping you brush up your Italian." "Now, last week we started at the beginning- and we learned the Italian for a "spoon."" "Now, I wonder how many of you can remember what it was?" "Si, si!" "Sit down, Mario-- Giuseppe." "Il cucchiaio." "Oh, well done, Giuseppe" "Or as the Italians would say, molto bene, Giuseppe." "Grazie, signore, grazie de tutta la sua gentilezza." "Well, now, this week we're going to learn- some useful phrases to help us- open a conversation with an Italian." "Now, first of all, try telling him where you come from." "For example, I would say, "sono inglese di gerrard's cross. "" ""I am an Englishman from Gerrard's Cross."" "Shall we all try that together?" "Si, si!" "Sono inglese di Gerrard's Cross." "Not too bad." "Now let's try with somebody else-- mr..." "Mariolini, signor." "Mr. Mariolini." "And where are you from?" "Napoli, signor." "You're Italian?" "Si..." "Si, si." "Well, in that case- you would say, "sono italiano di Napoli. "" "Ah... capisco." "Mille grazie, signore." "Per favore, signore." "Yes?" "Non conosceve parliamente" "Signor, devo me parlo" ""Sono italiano di napoli" quando il habitare de milano." "Che stupido!" "Sorry, I don't understand." "Ah... signor, my friend is saying..." "Bitte, mein herr." "Bitte, bitte." "Was ist das wort fuer "mittelschmerz"?" "Helmut, you want the German classes!" "Oh... danke schön." "Ah, das deutschen klassenzimmer." "My friend, he say, he say, "why must I say" "I am Italian from Napoli'?"" "When he lives in Milan." "Ah... well, tell your friend if he lives in Milan" "He must say, "sono italiano di Milano. "" "Milano e tanto meglio di Napoli!" "Che cosa?" "Si, I milanesi sono i megli nel mondo!" "He say, "Milan is better than Napoli."" "Well, he shouldn't be saying that." "We haven't done comparatives yet." "Yes, mothers, new improved whizzo butter- containing 10% more less- is absolutely indistinguishable from a dead crab." "Remember, buy Whizzo butter and go to heaven!" "I can't tell the difference- between Whizzo butter and this dead crab." "Yes, you know, we find- that nine out of ten British housewives- can't tell the difference- between Whizzo butter and a dead crab." "It's true." "It's true, we can't." "You're on television, aren't you?" "Yes, yes." "He does that thing with those silly women- who can't tell the difference- between Whizzo butter and a dead crab." "Oh, yes." "You try that around here, young man- and we'll slit your face." "Yes, with a razor." "Hello, good evening, and welcome- to another edition of "It's the Arts."" "We kick off tonight with the cinema." "Good evening." "One of the most prolific of film producers- of this age, or indeed any age- is sir Edward Ross." "Back in this country- for the first time for five years- to open a season of his works- at the National Film Theater." "And we are very fortunate to have him- with us here in the studio this evening." "Good evening." "Edward-- you don't mind if I call you Edward." "No, not at all." "Only it does worry some people" "I don't know why-- perhaps they're a little sensitive- so I do take the precaution of asking on these occasions." "Oh, no, that's fine." "So "Edward" is all right." "Splendid, splendid." "Sorry to have brought it up." "No, no, "Edward" it is." "Well, thank you very much indeed for being so helpful, only it's more than my job's worth to, er..." "Quite, yes." "Makes it rather difficult to establish a rapport, to put the other person at their ease." "Quite." "Yes, silly little point, but it does seem to matter." "Still..." "less said the better." "Ted, when you first started in the..." "You don't mind if I call you Ted?" "No, no, no." "Everyone calls me Ted." "Well, it's shorter, isn't it?" "Yes, it is." "And much less formal." "Ted, Edward, anything." "Splendid, splendid." "Incidentally, do call me Tom." "I don't want you playing around- with any of this "Thomas" nonsense." "Now, where were we?" "Eddie-baby, when you first..." "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry, I don't like- being called Eddie-baby." "I'm sorry?" "I don't like being called Eddie-baby." "Did I call you Eddie-baby?" "Yes, you did." "Now get on with it." "I don't think I did call you Eddie-baby." "You did call me Eddie-baby." "Did I call him Eddie-baby?" "Yes!" "no!" "I didn't really call you Eddie-baby, did i, sweetie?" "Don't call me sweetie!" "Can I call you sugar plum?" "No!" "Pussycat?" "No!" "Angel-drawers?" "No, you may not!" "Now, get on with it." "Frank." "What?" "Can I call you Frank?" "Why Frank?" "It's a nice name." "Robin day's got a hedgehog called Frank." "What's going on?" "Frannie, little Frannie, Frannie knickers." "No, I'm leaving." "I'm leaving-- I'm off." "Tell us about your latest film, sir Edward." "What?" "Tell us about your latest film" "If you'd be so kind, sir Edward." "None of this "pussycat" nonsense?" "Promise." "Please, sir Edward." "My latest film?" "Yes, sir Edward." "Well, the idea, funnily enough, came from an idea I had- when I first joined the industry in 1919." "Of course, in those days, I was only a tea boy." "Oh, shut up!" "Sir Edward..." "Ross." "Now, later in the program- we'll be bringing you a unique event- in the world of modern art." "Pablo Picasso will be doing a special painting for us- on this program..." "live, on a bicycle." "This is the first time" "That Picasso has painted while cycling." "But right now it's time to look at a man whose meteoric rise..." "Last week the Royal Festival Hall saw- the first performance of a new symphony, by one of the world's leading modern composers," "Arthur "two sheds" Jackson." "Mr. Jackson." "Good evening." "May I just sidetrack you For one moment, mr." "Jackson?" "This-- what shall I call it?" " nickname of yours..." "Oh, yes." "Two sheds." "How did you come by it?" "Well, I don't use it myself." "It's just a few of my friends call me "two sheds."" "I see." "And do you in fact have two sheds?" "No, I've only one shed." "I've had one for some time." "But a few years ago I said I was thinking- of getting another one, and since then- some people have called me "two sheds."" "In spite of the fact that you have only one." "Yes." "I see... and are you thinking- of purchasing a second shed?" "No." "To bring you in line with your epithet?" "No." "I see, I see." "Well, let's return to your symphony." "Did you write this symphony- in the shed?" "No." "Have you written- any of your recent works in this shed of yours?" "No, it's just a perfectly ordinary garden shed." "I see." "And you're thinking of buying this second shed- to write in?" "No, no, look..." "this shed business, it doesn't really matter at all." "The sheds aren't important." "It's just a few friends call me "two sheds"- and that's all there is to it." "I wish you'd ask me about me music." "I'm a composer." "People always ask me about the sheds." "They've got it out of proportion." "I'm fed up with the sheds." "I wish I'd never got it in the first place." "I expect you're probably thinking of selling one." "I will sell one." "Then you'd be Arthur "no sheds" Jackson." "Look, forget about the sheds-- They don't matter." "Mr. Jackson, I think, with respect" "We ought to talk about your symphony." "What?" "Apparently your symphony was written- for organ and timpani." "What's that?" "What's what?" "It's a shed-- get it off." "All right." "Now, then, mr." "Jackson..." "Your symphony." "I understand that you used..." "That you used to be interested in trainspotting." "What?" "I understand- that about 30 years ago- you were extremely interested in trainspotting." "What's that got to do with my bloody music?" "Are you having- any trouble from him?" "Yes, a little." "Well, we interviewers are more than a match- for the likes of you, two sheds." "Yes, make yourself scarce, two sheds." "This studio isn't big enough" "For the three of us." "Get your own arts program, you fairy." "Arthur "two sheds" Jackson." "Never mind, Timmy." "Oh, michael, you're such a comfort." "Arthur "two sheds"..." "Jackson." "And now for more news of the momentous artistic event- when Pablo Picasso is doing- a specially commissioned painting for us- whilst riding a bicycle." "Pablo Picasso, the founder of modern art, without doubt the greatest abstract painter ever, for the first time painting in motion." "But first of all- let's have a look at the route he'll be taking." "Well, Picasso will be starting, David, at Chichester here." "He'll then cycle on the A29 to Fontwell." "He'll then take the A272, which will bring him on to the A3- just north of Hindhead here." "From then on, Pablo has a straight run on the A3- until he meets the south circular at Battersea here." "Well, this is a truly remarkable occasion." "It's the first time- that a modern artist of such stature has taken the A272." "And it'll be very interesting to see- how he copes with the heavy traffic- round the Wisborough Green" " Vicky." "Well, Picasso will be riding his Viking Super Roadster- with the drop handlebars and the dual-thread wheel rims." "And with his Wiley-Prat 20-to-1 Synchro-Mesh- he should experience difficulties- on the sort of road surfaces- they just don't get abroad" " Mitzie." "And now for the latest report on Picasso's progress." "Over to Reg Moss on the Guildford bypass." "Well, there's no sign of Picasso at the moment, David" "But he should be through here at any moment." "However, I do have with me" "Mr. Ron Geppo, British cycling sprint champion- and this year's winner- of the Derby Doncaster rally." "Well, Reg, I think Pablo should be all right- provided he doesn't attempt anything- on the monumental scale- of some of his earlier paintings- like Guernica or Mademoiselles d'Avignon- or even his later war and peace murals" "for the Temple of Peace chapel at Vallauris- because with this strong head wind, I don't think- even Doug Timpson of Manchester Harriers- could paint anything on that kind of scale." "Well, thank you, Ron." "Well, there still seems to be no sign of Picasso- so I'll hand you back to the studio." "Well, we've just heard- that Picasso is approaching the Tolworth roundabout on the A3." "So come in, Sam Trench at Tolworth." "Well, something certainly is happening here- at Tolworth roundabout, David." "I can now see Picasso." "He's cycling down very hard- towards the roundabout." "He's about 75, 50 yards away- and I can now see his painting." "It's an abstract." "I can see some blue, some purple, some little black oval shapes." "I think I can see..." "That's not Picasso." "That's Kandinsky." "Good Lord, you're right!" "It's Kandinsky, Wasily Kandinsky!" "And who's this here with him?" "It's Braque, Georges Braque of the cubists- painting a bird in flight over a cornfield- and going very fast down the hill- towards Kingston." "And Piet Mondrian just behind," "Piet Mondrian, the neoplasticist..." "Then a gap, then the main bunch." "Here they come:" "Chagall, Max Ernst, Miro, Dufy" "Ben Nicholson, Jackson Pollock" "And Bernard Buffet making a break- on the outside here." "Brancusi's going with him." "So is Gericault, Fernand Leger, Delaunay- de Kooning..." "Kokoschka's dropping back here- by a little bit- and so's Paul Klee dropping back a bit- and, right at the back of this group- our very own Kurt Schwitters." "Schwitters is German." "As yet absolutely no sign of Pablo Picasso." "And so, from Tolworth roundabout" "Back to the studio." "Well, I think I can help you there, Sam." "We're getting reports in from the A.A. that Picasso..." "Picasso has fallen off!" "He's fallen off his bicycle on the B2127 just outside Ewhurst- trying to get a shortcut through to Dorking- via Gomslake and Peashall." "Well, Picasso is reported to be unhurt- but the pig has a slight headache." "And on that note, we must say good night to you." "Picasso has failed- in his first bid for international cycling fame." "So from all of us here at the "It's the Arts" studio", it's good night." "Good night." "Hold it." "Sit up." "Sit up!" "Sit up!" "Sit up." "There's somebody out there." "Help, help me, I'm trapped in this body." "Oh, please, help me out!" "Help me, oh, please, help me out." "I'm free!" "I'm free!" "I'm free!" "Just checkin'." "Just checkin'." "Oh, no you don't." "Somebody out there." "Dobson's bought it, sir." "Porker?" "Swine." "This man is Ernest Scribbler, writer of jokes." "In a few moments- he will have written the funniest joke in the world- and, as a consequence, he will die laughing." "It was obvious that this joke was lethal." "No one could read it and live." "This morning, shortly after 11:00- comedy struck this little house in Dibley Road." "Sudden, violent comedy." "Police have sealed off the area" "And Scotland Yard's crack inspector is with me now." "I shall enter the house- and attempt to remove the joke." "I shall be aided- by the sound of somber music- played on gramophone records- and also by the chanting of laments- by the men of "Q" division." "The atmosphere thus created should protect me- in the eventuality of me reading the joke." "Well, there goes a brave man." "Whether he comes out alive or not- this will surely be remembered- as one of the most courageous and gallant acts- in police history." "It was not long before the army became interested- in the military potential of the killer joke." "Under top security, the joke was hurried- to a meeting of allied commanders- at the Ministry of War." "Top brass were impressed." "Tests on Salisbury Plain confirmed- the joke's devastating effectiveness- at a range of up to 50 yards." "Fantastic." "All through the winter of '43- we had translators working in joke-proof conditions- to try and produce a German version of the joke." "They worked on one word each for greater safety." "One of them saw two words of the joke- and spent several weeks in hospital." "But apart from that, things went pretty quickly- and we soon had the joke by January- in a form which our troops couldn't understand- but which the Germans could." "So on July 8, 1944" "The joke was first told to the enemy in the Ardennes." "Squad, get ready joke!" "Squad, tell the joke!" "Wenn ist das nunstuck geht und slotermeyer?" "Ja!" "ba yerhund das oder die flipperwaldt gespuhrt!" "It was a fantastic success- over 60,000 times as powerful as Britain's great prewar joke- and one which Hitler just couldn't match." "Insbesondere keiner mehr der in Deutschland leben wird..." "Wir sind des reiches junge mannschaft!" "Eure schule." "In action, it was deadly." "Wenn ist das nunstuck geht und slotermeyer?" "Ja!" "ba yerhund..." "Wenn ist das nunstuck geht und slotermeyer?" "Ja!" "ba yerhund nunstuck geht und slotermeyer?" "Ja!" "ba yerhund das oder die flipperwaldt gespuhrt!" "German casualties were appalling." "What is the big joke?" "I can only give you a name, rank- and "why did the chicken cross the road?"" "That's not funny." "I want to know the joke!" "All right." "How do you make a Nazi cross?" "I don't know." "How do you make a Nazi cross?" "Tread on his corns." "Gott im himmel!" "That's not funny!" "Now, if you don't tell me the joke" "I shall hit you properly." "I can stand physical pain, you know." "Ach, you're no fun!" "All right, Otto!" "Oh, no-- no, anything but that, please." "Tickle him." "All right, I'll tell you." "Quick" " Otto, the typewriter!" "Wenn ist das nunstuck geht und slotermeyer?" "Ja!" "ba yerhund das oder die flipperwaldt gespuhrt!" "That's not funny!" "Die flipperwaldt gespuhrt!" "Was ist, was gibt's?" "Wenn ist das nunstuck" "Geht und slotermeyer?" "Ja!" "ba yerhund das oder die flipperwaldt gespuhrt!" "In Peenemunde in the autumn of '44- the Germans were working on a joke of their own." "Die ist ein kinderhunder- und zwei mackeluber- und bitte schon ist den wunderhaus sprechen sie." ""Nein, "zweckt der herren." ""Ist auf'n borger mitzweitingen."" "We'll let you know." "But by December, their joke was ready." "And Hitler gave the order" "For the German V-joke to be broadcast in English." "There were zwei peanuts walking down the strasse- and one was assaulted... peanut." "In 1945, peace broke out." "It was the end of the joke." "Joke warfare was banned" "At a special session of the Geneva convention, and in 1950- the last remaining copy of the joke was laid to rest- here in the Berkshire countryside- never to be told again." "And here is the final score:" "Pigs 9, British bipeds 4." "The pigs go on to meet Vicki Carr in the final."