"NARRATOR:" "Gob Bluth had just been told by his father to go to work for his younger brother." "And then thanks for the birthday card that I never got from you for the last 40 years." "NARRATOR:" "In fact," " it was a brother with whom Gob..." " What the hell?" " (horns honking) - ...was secretly competitive." "MICHAEL:" "I got the right of way." " GOB:" "N-No." " MICHAEL:" "Okay. (laughs)" "NARRATOR:" "And perhaps it was that sense of competition... (tires screeching, horn honking) ...that led to this tinkling match." "GOB:" "I've met someone." "Can't really give you any information-- kind of famousy." " I also met someone." " Have you?" "Also famousy." "Can't give you any information." " Is it Julie Bowen?" " No, it's not." " Is yours Julie Bowen?" " Is yours Julie...?" "Oh, my God, Michael, you're seeing Julie Bowen?" "I am not seeing Julie Bowen, but if you are, you tell me right now." "I want to hear you say the words "I'm not seeing Julie Bowen."" "I have not seen Julie Bowen." "Well, that's a funny way to phrase it." "NARRATOR:" "This went on for some time, but eventually they started talking business." "If it wasn't for the movie thing, I would do it myself." "They practically sell themselves; you just got" " to bring the people in." " (squawk)" " Lindsay." " But soon the hard lemonade softened" " their competitive edge." " No, no, this-- maybe Tobias." "And Michael confessed that he had grown estranged from his son." "I'll call him for you." "You've given me a new sense of purpose." "I don't want you to get your hopes up." "You know, when I said that, that these places sell themselves," "I should have gone on to say, you know, that, that, uh..." "No, they don't." "No, I'm not talking about selling these mausoleums." "I mean destroying Tony Wonder." "I'm gonna destroy his career the same way that he destroyed mine." "NARRATOR:" "Gob was referring to an escape act he'd performed that had failed when the hidden compartment that held the keys to his escape hadn't opened..." " It's not going to work." " ...humiliating him in front of his bride..." " uh, her..." " He's not coming back." "...and all of Christendom." "Destroying Tony Wonder is your sense of purpose?" "I thought you said, thanks to me..." "Because he's performing at a gay club tonight, and I need you to act as my boyfriend to help me get in." "I'm gonna say no, thank you." "And don't you think it's a little inappropriate?" "I am your brother." "You sound like my son." "NARRATOR:" "Whom Gob had spoken to earlier that day." " And in a van, by the way." " Hey, you remembered." "(chuckles) How about you and I go to a magic show together?" "(laughing):" "I love magic, of course." "I mean, my dad's a magician." " Well, you're my dad, I mean, so, so you should know." " Right." "Well, it'd be sort of a, a father-son thing at a gay club." "Well, technically gay night at a magic club." "Hey, you know what'd be funny?" "If you pretended to be my boyfriend so I could lock this guy Tony Wonder..." "You know, I-I don't know," "I-I don't think this whole thing is sounding like a good idea." "Besides, last time we tried to do something together," " you didn't even show up." " You know what?" "You're mad at me-- I get it, I totally get it," " and guess what--I'm mad at you." " You know, Dad, that attitude might be why you're alone all the time." " The way you treat people..." " What about you?" "I didn't hear from you for your entire childhood, and then thanks for the birthday card that I never got from you for the last 40 years." "NARRATOR:" "This was extra hard for Steve to hear on his actual birthday." "And didn't you already try locking Tony Wonder in" " his trick?" " Oh, yeah, but that wasn't for revenge, that was just on spec." " Just like Tony Wonder." " And it didn't work." "Besides, that's before I knew that he had locked me in my trick." "You still don't know that he tried to lock you in your trick." "Hey, I do know, I have proof." "I went in that cave and I found this." "We both know what that stands for." "Jesus." "No, that would be a "J."" "This is a "T."" "Tony Wonder was there in the cave the night that I did my big illusion, so when I went yesterday to the cave and I saw that this had wedged my compartment door shut, I knew that I'd been wronged." "Okay, the only thing that we know is that you tried to lock Tony Wonder in his trick first." " Right?" " No," " no." " So you're even." "Because mine didn't work." "He got the last laugh, which, in this case, happened to be the first laugh." "I don't understand why you can't seem to follow me" " on any of this." " Gob, you've got a chance to build a brand-new life." "Don't run away from it again." " Don't try to escape it." " I don't do that, Michael." "Listen, if you insist on speaking to me like you're my wife, then don't be surprised to find my (bleep) in you and then you never hear from me again." "(sighs) I'm offering you a good job selling good homes, making real good money, and I'm not asking for anything in return." "What is this?" "I'm asking for a little something in return." "These-- this is for the movie." "This is for your life rights in perpetuity, in the known universe and beyond." "Blah, blah, blah, look at this." "What's that mean-- you're not gonna sign it?" "No, I was just thinking that I should have my attorney Bob Loblaw look at this." "Oh, he doesn't need to-- it's all pretty boilerplate stuff." "Yeah, no, I'm fine with it." "I'm gonna be in a movie." " (laughs)" " No, you're not." "I'm gonna be in a movie." "Okay." "NARRATOR:" "Now the story of a family whose future was abruptly canceled, and the one son who had no choice but to keep himself together." "It's Gob's Arrested Development." "Gob was making good on a promise" " he had made to Michael..." " GEORGE MICHAEL:" "Hi, Uncle Gob." "I need to see you tonight." " ...to talk to his son." " It's about your father and you." "Really, is... is he upset?" "(over phone):" "Do I seem like a clown to you?" "I got it." "Do I seem like some kind of a clown to you?" "Look, I got it, I got it, Uncle Gob, just tell me where." "Meet me tonight at the Gothic Castle." "I will-- the Gothic Castle?" "No, the Gothicassle." "Yes, the Gothic Castle." "No, I didn't say the Gothicassle." "What, what do you think, they call it the Gothicassle?" "No, I said the Gothic Castle." " It's the Gothic Castle." " Gothic Castle." "Okay." "TAILOR:" "I think you look amazing." "I'll take it." " Great." " No, no." "The compliment, not the shirt." "NARRATOR:" "And so it was a very worried George Michael that arrived to speak to his uncle at the Gothic Castle, which, that night, did actually kind of resemble the Gothicassle." " Uncle Gob." " Don't call me Unc..." "Actually, no, that's good, that works here." "Is my dad upset?" "What's going on?" " No, he's fine." " But you told me he was really upset" " about something." " I don't know." "I do know that your daddy wants you to get your hot, little, tight, little, hot ass right up there right away to see him." " BOUNCER:" "You're good." " You, you had me come all the way here just to tell me my dad wants me to meet him?" "No, no, those two things are unrelated." "No, I'm, I'm here 'cause I'm trying to lock this guy Tony into this gay magic trick, and I just needed a believable arm candy bean." "And don't make that face;" "you look homophobic." " No, I'm not being homophobic." " Why are you doing this?" " I'm, I'm uncomfortable." " This is very important for me." "Don't worry, you're blending in here perfectly." "A newbie." "(chuckles) Except, even if he does post that somewhere, the Fakeblock thing will scrub it away." "You know about Fakeblock?" "You know, that's my software." "I wonder if my dad thinks I'm blowing him off because that's starting to take off now." "Well, you should go find out 'cause I do know that your dad is really, really, really upset with you." "He is upset?" "I asked you that." "That was literally the first thing I asked you." "You're giving me these craz..." " Mad?" " N..." " God, what is that inky taste?" " It's my stamp." " Oh, I'm so sorry about that." " No, that-that's okay." "I probably won't come back in." "I-I'm gonna go see my dad." "Yeah, you are 'cause you're a good son." "Ow!" " Bit my tongue, that little bitch." " Oh, no, he didn't." " They're always doing that." " I mean, oh, no, he didn't." "Thank you, George Michael;" "honestly I owe you big-time." "Not a lot of nephews would do this for their uncles." "Now get out of here." "I never want to sleep with you again." "I mean, I probably will." "(whispers):" "I don't." "But are we good?" " We're good." " After successfully looking like he'd had a fight with his boyfriend," "Gob put his plan into action." "Knowing that Tony would go into the closet and pop out of somewhere else," "Gob proceeded to lock everything he could find." "Who's the dumbwaiter now?" "NARRATOR:" "And that's when he saw something that took him back to a moment when his life had reached its nadir." "MAN:" "You know, if tomorrow you won't open up and let someone else in, then the treasures you have inside may never come out." "(fast-tempo, electronic dance music begins)" "TONY:" "A magician has many secrets... (audience cheering, whistling) ...but there was one I was forced to keep... by society." "NARRATOR:" "And Gob settled in to watch his revenge play out." "TONY:" ""Don't talk to us," they said." ""Keep your hands to yourself," they also said." "Magic is only for straight men." "(police siren wailing)" "(audience shouting, whooping)" "TONY:" "I don't want to look at you, son." "Just go to work." "Why can't you be like your brother?" "There!" "Stay in there!" " (audience groans)" " We don't want you out here!" "Well, I'm here, I'm queer, and now..." "I'm in a chair!" " Did somebody say Wonder?" " (audience cheering)" "NARRATOR:" "Nobody actually did that time, but I think he got away with it." "Didn't expect to see you here." "Want to get a drink later?" "And believe it or not, it was this trick..." "Now everybody's gay!" "...that really brought the crowd to their feet." "Although it was pretty easy to figure out how he did it." "They started out gay." "You missed your cue!" "Gob was having a drink with a man he'd twice tried to sabotage." "Beanbag chair" " I was wondering what you were gonna pop out of." "Did somebody say Wonder ing?" "I always try to stay one step ahead of the audience." "Vamanos!" "Oh, hey, come on, man." "Timing, right?" "Hey, leave the mask." "Yeah, of course-- mask." "Yeah, that makes sense." "I use a mask myself, in my act." "But you have to tell me how you do that bean bag trick." "Well, I guess, since you're a magician, too." "But not a word of this." "(whispering):" "I did use a mask." "I put it on another guy, and then I was in the bean bag chair the whole time." "Oh, well, that's... that's... (whispering): ...that's why they put that sign on the bean bag chair that says, "Do not steal this..."" "And the magicians shared the secrets of their ancient and mystical craft." "TONY (whispering):" "And also it's very hard to get out of" "(normal volume):" "at the end, when I appear." "So how have you been?" "I haven't seen you since your "wedding,"" "when you did the Jesus gag." "See, it's like a quotation mark, but with a "W."" "Oh, yeah, right, I got ya." "That's..." "I should do that." "Hey, don't." "Okay?" "I-I..." "I won't." "Yeah, uh, no, the marriage was unsuccessful." "I guess you could say I was a runaway groom." "Well, makes sense now, doesn't it?" "What do you mean?" "Well, I mean, you are gay, right?" "Oh, yes, right, yeah." "Very... because of what I'm... dressed..." "And my boyfriend was here earlier." "And-and he bit my tongue." "And that's when Gob did a magic trick of his own." " Want to see?" " No, I believe you." "I'm just surprised, though, because you are the Christian magician." "Although you did look awfully shredded on that cross." "You should have seen me when they took me out of the storage locker." " Hmm." " But how'd I get in the storage locker?" "That's okay;" "I know it didn't work." "Made the "Woops" column in Poof." "It's cool, though, man;" "I've been there." "Your assistant probably sabotaged you." "I don't even use one anymore." "I resorted to using my own legs in the "Saw the Lady in Half" gag." "I even shaved them." "Want to feel?" "Wow, they are smooth." "Like a lady's." "I think." "(laughing)" "You're funny." " Too bad we can't do this more." " Why?" "I don't know if it'd be great for my reputation to be seen with the fundamentalist Christian magician." "And he was suspicious that Gob might not actually be gay." "MAN:" "Valet is closing." "The Cabriolet-  license plate: "ANUS TART."" " That's me." "Aw, what the hell, let's do it." "And that's when Gob came up with a new revenge plan." "Yeah, let's risk it." "Right?" "Let's risk it!" "Come on." "The next day, Gob shared his new plan with Tobias." "Good." "Seems like you're done talking." "I, too, am in a relationship, but mine is purely a revenge-based deal." "Plan on making this person fall in love with me and then destroying them by breaking their heart." "How do you make someone fall in love with you?" " Can you pass the mustard, please?" " Yeah." "Oh, it's easy when you've got so much in common." "Last night, for instance, we both got a case of the munchies, and then we went out and we stole these pies..." "As it turns out, they did a lot more than steal pies." "They had a raucous good time." "And then the candy bean dish right here, we made those at "Color Me Mine,"" "and I know they're kind of cockeyed, but they remind us both of my crooked smile." "Sounds like you're really into this girl." "Don't call me girl, friend." "No, this is purely an act of revenge, filled with white-hot hate." "I'd tell you on who, but this person is sort of a celebrity." "Oh!" "Well, turns out my femme fatale is a bit of a celebrity herself." "And that's when Gob found a solution to filling one of the houses." "...I've been looking for a place to live." "That's great." "When can you move in?" "Uh, duh!" "Now!" "Oh, the other sex offenders are going to be so jealous." "Wait a minute... you know of other people with similar needs?" "And that's when he filled the rest." "Oh, I have a list of men that could fill every opening you have." "(coughing)" "(laughs, coughs)" "Let me get a shot of mustard." "That was all cheese, but no mustard." "Not wanting to appear desperate," "Gob waited till late afternoon to continue his plan to make Tony fall in love with him." "TONY (recorded):" "It's Tony." "I'm not here right now, because I'm right behind you." "Made you look." "But how did I know you looked?" "Because I'm right behind you!" "Made you look again." "Tony, it's Gob." "Man, does anybody ever fall for that?" "Listen, uh, I was just, I was thinking about you-- what a fun night we had the other night." "So just call me when you get a chance." "Okay?" "All right." "(ringtone plays)" "Wow, that was fast, you hot little..." " It's your mother." " Hi." "Sorry, I thought you were somebody else." "I can't tell you who, 'cause I'm dating someone famous." "And that's when Gob was given a new job." "You better start to build this wall, pronto." "I tried with your father, but he can't do it." "And that's when Gob was told to make it" "(with Lucille):" "...look like major construction had begun on the wall." "So Gob set out to find a crew." "(men shouting)" " (feedback screeching)" " Who wants to... (screaming)" "Hurt my ears." "Who wants to help me build a wall... to keep Mexicans out of America?" "(bleep) All right, all right!" "(men shouting in Spanish)" "Who wants to help me build a wall for no reason?" "It's a different wall." "(men shouting, cursing)" " (bleep) - (men shouting angrily)" "(bleep)" "(Gob shouting, feedback screeching)" "Aah!" "This thing is loud!" "And so he decided to head to the border ribbon to put in some manual labor himself." "GOB: ...show everyone that I'm not afraid of the sweet sting of sweat in my eyes." "...when he came across a local maca picker." "You need help to make your sign stand up?" "Yes." "No!" "I need to find some Mexicans to help build this wall." "Hey, you know what?" "You should get the Chinese to build your wall." "We make great walls." "That would be great." "How can we make that happen?" "I'm Chinese;" "I know all Chinese." "I hook you up." " Well, that's, uh..." " (ringtone playing)" "That'd be... great." "Would you get off my (bleep), Mother!" "Well, if I wasn't sure you were gay, I am now." "It's Tony." "Hey, Tony." "Sorry I couldn't talk last night, but, uh, I'd really love to get together later." "This week, or maybe Saturday, say, 5:00?" " Great." " I'm thinking Little Ballroom." "Little Ballroom good?" "Or you sick of Little Ballroom?" " I'll see you there." " Bye." "That was Tony." "My friend Tony." "Oh, she sounds wonderful." "No... no..." "I'm gonna get revenge on him and destroy his life." "Her life." "Our..." "life." "Destroy our life." "Destroy our life." "That doesn't matter." "Who cares?" "But Tony Wonder had a secret, too." "We're on." "And he definitely thinks you're gay, right?" "Don't worry, the only thing I'm better at than (bleep)-ing women is pretending I'm gay." "Trust me, I am all man." "Give me a little leg shave?" "All right, well, you have to be careful." "If Gob finds out you're straight, he'll use it to ruin you, and I'll lose the hundred grand I stole from Lucille Austero to re-brand you as the gay magician." "It seemed Sally Sitwell had a secret also." "I know that." "Why are you telling me all this?" "'Cause if she finds out, we both go down." "And I don't want to have to sell that closet as a sweat sauna on Craigslist." " Ow!" " Ooh." "Sorry." "It's fine." "And as long as we're recapping things that we already know, an inside source tells me he's my ticket to Internet billions." "Inside source?" "Oh, I didn't tell you that?" " No." " That's new?" "It's "in the bag."" "Tony made that sound a lot cooler than it was." "That Fakeblock thing will scrub it away." "You know about Fakeblock?" "You know, that's my software." "I wonder if my dad thinks..." "It took a lot of restraint for Tony to not pop out when he heard the word "wonder,"" "but he was carried into the audience before he could hear that Gob wasn't actually gay." "TONY:" "I don't want some Spanish guy sitting on me." "Once I get him alone, I get into his phone, get his boyfriend's information, hack into his software and make a fortune." "Ow!" "How do you not know how to shave a leg?" "I've never done it before." "Anyway, he's halfway to falling in love with me already." "I mean, he actually sounded excited about seeing me tonight." "Poor guy doesn't realize I'm about to destroy our life." "Our life?" "I mean, destroy our life with Gob." "Dest..." "I'm going to destroy our life-- my life-- with Gob." "("The Sound of Silence" by Simon  Garfunkel playing)" "Destroy my life with Gob." "♪ Hello darkness, my old friend... ♪" "Destroy my life with Gob." "Just be careful." "Could be a house of cards." " (both yelling)" " Aah!" "Ooh!" " Caterpillar!" " Yep!" "There it went." "That's exactly what that was." " Ow!" " Weird." "Very weird." "Caterpillar... and that weird fuzzy moth in the drain..." "NARRATOR:" "It seemed Sally had two secrets." "And days later, Gob was feeling pretty good." "China Garden had come through with a crew to build the wall, and with the help of a well-placed ad, he'd successfully filled all the homes in Sudden Valley." "And he was on his way to a hot date with Tony Wonder." "Siri, where is the Little Ballroom?" "SIRI:" "I have three matches." "(mumbles):" "I'm going to need the gayest." "Did you say the "grayest"?" "(snickering)" "I need the, uh, gayest one." "SIRI:" "Did you say the "grayest"?" "I need the gayest Little Ballroom!" "SIRI:" "Okay, Gob, try this one." "I've got to tell Michael that I saw another map car." "He's gonna be blown away." "GOB:" "You don't see them a lot." " Well..." " I'm fine." "...looks like he's turning into a parking lot." "My Little Ballroom." "Of course, yeah." "She's got a kid, he's acting like he's Father of the Year or something." "I bet he's pretending Steve Holt is, like, nine." "I just saw him, he looks 50." "NARRATOR:" "But of course Gob was at the wrong Little Ballroom." "I do not get this lifestyle." " Gob?" " You're mistaken." "Hi, there." " Michael." " Yeah." "Well, look who's here: you." "Where is she?" "First of all, that's very dated of you, Michael." ""He's" don't like to be called "she's"" "and I don't who this he-man is that you're referring to." "No, no, no, it's a "she." My girlfriend." "That's who I'm talking about." "Rebel." "Rebel Alley." "Where is she?" " Never met him." " It's a she." "Nice try." "Now what are you doing here?" "You gonna meet her here with her son, maybe, so her son can play in the ball pit?" "That's disgusting, Michael." " This is no place for a child." " I know what you do." "Mom told me you were bragging about seeing somebody in showbiz." "Then I see a frozen dove in a freezer." "That could be anything." "It said "Love each other" on the foot band." "Yeah, that does sound like one of mine." "Whose freezer was it in?" "Rebel." "Rebel Alley's." "Nice try, Gob." "If I want to see bad acting," "I'll go see Tobias in A Jew Comes to Dinner." "But Gob wasn't acting." "He'd just forgotten that he had met a still-partying Rebel Alley." "It's a little dove." "He's so cute." "And Rebel returned home to an unfortunate surprise." "(dove squawks)" "She felt bad, so quickly put it in a bag, wrote down the species and location from which she'd acquired it and then one further caution." "It was a merry mix-up." "But neither of them knew any of this." "Honestly, I have no idea what you're talking about, Michael." "Yes, you do." "I got you dead to rights." "Dead to rights!" "If ever we were gonna have a fight, Michael, this would be the safest place to do it." " Right!" "Let's do it!" " This gay bar would be the best...!" "...something that can fillet a chicken and subdue an intruder." "Let's do it!" "Back to My Little Ballroom?" "Yeah, this is the middle of their workday." "Hey!" "Hey!" "Come back here!" "You son of a bitch, Gob!" "You'll never catch me, Michael!" "♪ You raped and pushed and struggled ♪" "♪ All those balls in the air... ♪" "You have to find me, Michael!" "♪ How hard can it be?" "♪" "Gob?" "♪ ...those balls in the air ♪" "♪ But keep those balls in the air ♪" "♪ Balls in the air. ♪" "Are we done?" "I'm just surprisingly tired." "So tired... and so not hurt." "Look, I'm not the guy, Michael." "I thought you'd be proud of me." "I did what you said." "I filled all your..." "your houses." "Hang on-- filled 'em?" "Every last one of 'em." "With who?" "With sex offenders." "Hey!" "Hey!" "Gob, you're out of the movie!" "BOY:" "Thanks for ruining my birthday party." "NARRATOR:" "After fighting with Gob," "Michael paid a return visit to his mother." " What happened to your eye?" " Oh..." "Is that from Gob?" "Was I right about him?" "No, actually." "Want to hear a funny story?" "You're out of the movie." "Hold on, George." "I beg your pardon?" "Did you say George?" "Is that Dad?" "'Cause he's the one who told me to hire Gob." "I actually owe him a call." "Hey, Dad, how you doing?" "Y-Yes, he did." "With sex offenders." "You want to hear something funny?" "You're out of the movie!" "Want to hold for Mom?" "Yeah." "Bye." "And later that night, Gob went to win back the trust of the man he was still hoping to con." "Hey, look..." "Although he quickly lost sight of that plan." " You're mad at me." " You stood me up." "Oh, no" " Siri sent me to the wrong "Ballroom,"" "and then I got in this fight with my brother that didn't hurt, it was just a whole..." "Oh, is that it?" "Or is it because your boyfriend is 20 and I'm nearly twice that?" "You think that I care that you're... three years older than me?" "No!" "I don't-- Check my phone." "Check my phone." "I don't need to check your phone; come on in." "But getting Gob's boyfriend's contact information out of that phone was the reason for Tony's charade." "He hates me;" "the whole family hates me." " Damn it!" " Which he remembered too late." "Yeah, damn it!" "I mean, I even helped fill his stupid homes with sex offenders, and yet he still hates me." "Sex offenders need a place to live, too." "Yes!" "Exactly!" "That's what I always say." "It's, like, God..." "you get me." "Well, you're an easy guy to get." "I can't go home;" "he's probably waiting for me." "He's gonna be my boss?" "He's the younger brother." " How old is he?" " 42." "Same!" "My younger brother's 42, also." "Same!" "But..." " I mean 32." " Third... two..." " 32." " 32!" "Same!" " Same!" "I was gonna say it." " Same?" " I was thinking the same." " That's so weird!" "(both talking at once)" " ...same." " ...same." " Crazy!" " ...zy!" "Do you want a glass of wine?" "I love wine." " Red wine?" " I love red wine!" " Same!" " Same!" "(laughing)" "It's, like, two same." " That's in-same." " Totally in-same." "It turns out the guys had tons in common." " That's so weird." " ...weird." " Like..." " Like..." "BOTH:" "...the last... time I went..." "BOTH:" "...scuba diving?" " Wow." " Wow." "BOTH:" "...eating..." "Captain Crunch." " Same." " Same." "The hours melted away..." "TONY:" "I guess I must have been and perhaps, pretending to be gay I don't know, 17 allowed them the freedom to speak honestly." "...when I started saying "same."" " Same." " That's about the same time I got into magic." "You know, I think I got into misdirection 'cause I just... maybe I was trying to hide my feelings or something." "I was just doing it to get out of gym." "Who's Jim?" "No, I... phys ed." "(laughs) Jealous!" " Oh... kidding." " (laughing):" "Right." "(singsong):" "Kidding." "(both laughing)" " Ooh!" " Oh..." " Don't stop." " Oh!" "Popcorn fight!" "(Tony coughing)" "(gagging)" "It almost went down my throat." "(Gob sighs)" "I'll get some water." " Yeah." " Yeah, just..." "NARRATOR:" "And Tony had another opportunity to get at Gob's phone." "And chose not to take it." "Gob also saw an opportunity to, in some small way, sabotage Tony's act." "And he also chose not to, although he did put the mask down his pants." "Ah." "(gulping loudly)" "BOTH:" "Ah." "We were really thirsty." "Well, I guess I should get go..." "Yeah, I'd say stay, but I just..." "I feel..." "I just feel like we should take it slow, you know." "Oh, same." "I-I would definitely stay and have gay sex with... or normal sex with you, but..." "Yeah, I would totally have gay sex or whatever, but... just drank a lot of water, you know." "I-I just..." "I just had a lot of water, too." "Yeah, I don't want to rush things." " Same." " Same." "You know, maybe we make a date to do it another time, and tonight we just..." "We can just sit and talk." "Gob had never said anything like that before." "That would be amazing." "And then he said something else he'd never said before." "I have... feelings for you." "I have feelings... for you." "The feeling was friendship, but neither had ever experienced it." "All they had to do now was avoid making any specific..." "Why don't we have normal sex on Cinco?" "Let's have normal sex on Cinco." "I guess they figured they could get out of it later." "I'm not sure why they said that." " Same!" " Same!" "NARRATOR:" "It was the Newport Beach celebration of Cinco de Cuatro, and after taking care of some business," " Gob ran into an almost ex-wife." " No, honey, on Cinco, we break the stick and not the piñata." "Okay, look." "Whoo!" "Huh?" "GOB:" "Well..." " (chuckles)" " How long has it been?" " It's been five years." " What are you doing here?" "I'm taking my five-year-old to see Fantastic Four." "I'm pretty sure that's an adult..." "Wait, you have a five-year-old?" "Oui." "What?" "We what?" "No, oui." "It's French for "yes."" "As in, "Yes, I have a son, and his father's a magician."" "(intro to "The Sound of Silence" playing)" "(mariachi band playing "The Sound of Silence")" "Oh." "It's not us." "Don't worry." "It's not you." "It was a real magician." "He took advantage of how angry I was when you wouldn't come out of that cave." "He promised me a life together, and after he had his way with me, he never wanted to see me again." "I don't think there's anything wonderful about Tony Wonder." "Are you kidding me?" "Are you saying..." " Yes." " Tony's straight?" "Gob felt betrayed by a person he was starting to trust, and he decided to do something about it." "How would you like to spend the night making revenge love?" "(sighs) Uh, Jacqueline, could you, uh...?" "With a plan to get revenge on Tony Wonder taking shape," "Gob met with Ann at the model home." "I'm ready, Gob." "Yeah, okay, well, don't get ready yet." "Uh, Tony's not going to be here for a bit." "Tony?" "You're having sex with Tony Wonder tonight." "Well, I-I thought we were having sex." "Oh." "Uh, no, thank you." "(chuckles)" "Listen, here's the plan-- this house is wired with hidden cameras from Entrap a Local Predator." "There, there, there and there." "We're going to destroy Tony's career by proving that he's straight when he has sex with you while you're wearing... this Gob mask." "Oh, and this little black mini-robe." "Just to really sell that you're a man." "Why would I wear a Gob mask?" "Because Tony's coming here expecting to have sex with me." "Look, in the act of having fake gay sex, you're going to take off the mask to reveal that you're having real straight sex, destroying his career, and it's all going to be captured on that camera right there." "I don't want to have sex with Tony." "Aren't you just a little cur...?" "I have a child with him!" "Okay, yes, new plan." "I'm going to wear this Tony Wonder mask, you're going to wear the Gob mask, and..." "I am going to have sex with you." "I'm sorry about all that." "And then, again, you're going to rip off the Gob mask, and the world will think that he's straight, and it'll ruin his career." "That's great." "Much simpler plan, thank you." "But the main event is us having this... pretend gay but actually straight sex." "And you know what it is?" "It's a straight bait." "I just realized, it's a straight bait." "You ever watch those?" "Good, and let me have the room, yeah." "I need a little while to get same." "To be the same." "NARRATOR:" "Downstairs, however, Tony had arrived early..." "Hello?" "Hello?" "...and was looking for a place to pop out of in case Gob said "Wonder."" " That piece of sh..." " ANN:" "Tony?" "Hey... you." "It's Ann." "Awfully funny time to run into you." "Yes, it is an awfully funny time to see you, too... you." "I know I owe you child support." "Don't worry, I got something big in the works." "Actually, that's why I came here." " What are you doing here?" " Gob invited me." "He's planning on getting revenge on you." "(laughs) He would never do that." "Then why did he want to have sex with me with this on?" "Wait a minute." "Sex with you?" "Gob is straight?" "Oh, yeah, he is." " Tony?" " I just..." "Why would he do that?" "I thought he was gay." " Tony, you're not gay, either." " That's business." "Why do you think David Geffen pretends to be gay?" "You think the Shubert Organization would entrust a project like Dreamgirls to a straight producer?" "How do you know so much about Dreamgirls?" "'Cause it's my business to know about Dreamgirls." "And if you wanted to be in a film version of a musical called The Magic Show, done in 1974 by another secretly straight guy named Doug Henning, you'd make it your business, too." "I mean, they can't give everything to Doogie Howser, right?" "Biggest fake gay there is, by the way." "But if I fund it, then they can't say no to me." "But it's big money-- I mean, 20, 30, 40 mil." "Fakeblock money." "I can't believe I'm telling you all this." "I..." "I've been overexplaining the (bleep) out of everything lately." "You can't tell a soul." "No one I know will care." "Look, do you want to out Gob as gay so it'll ruin his career as the Christian magician?" " Yes, of course." " Are you still your own legs?" "And do you have toenail polish on you right now?" "Are you asking, am I wearing any, or do I have any extra?" "Because the answer to both questions is yes." "Then we're covered." "You and I will have sex." "And you wear this Gob mask, and I'll wear a Tony Wonder mask." "Okay, I have two questions." "One:" "Are you going to move this time?" "And two:" "Why can't I just be me and you wear the Gob mask?" "I just thought that if you had to have sex with a man, wouldn't it be more of a turn-on to have sex with someone that looks like you?" "Okay." "Put these on, and then meet me in the bedroom in five minutes for some serious secular intercourse." "With myself." "Yeah." " Same." " Same." " Same." " Same." "And two men who never loved anyone but themselves..." " Same." "Same." " Become... the same." "...prepared to ruin each other's reputation." " Same." " Same." " Same." " Same." "GOB:" "I should dim the lights." "And that's how Ann not only performed a real-life version of Tony's most beloved illusion..." "Now everybody's gay!" "...but was responsible for the first reported instance of a Christian straight-to-gay conversion." "Gob went downstairs to take a forget-me-now..." "Is that you, Maria?" "...when he bumped into a brother who also had a secret." "GOB:" "We did make quite a mess in that bedroom." " Michael." " Gob?" "And relished the opportunity to rub it in." "Besides, you could not make me feel worse right now." "I'd be willing to let you have your apology back if you give me the chance to try." "Bad example." "If you were ashamed of being in love with a man, suddenly discovered these new feelings, something that you only allowed to happen because you thought he was gay and you were hoping to exact revenge, but then you found out he was straight," "then you wanted to get even, so maybe you put a mask on someone and then tried to convince yourself that the sex you were about to have was with yourself, but it turned out to be him, and all you ended up doing" "was proving that your feelings were real... then I might say something like, "Homo much?"" " It's not that." " I said, "Bad example."" "Hey, listen, Michael, if you want," " we can split this." " No." "Believe me, this is the last time I ever" " judge you for anything - (door opens) that you ever do." "Oh, (bleep)." "Is that who you were with?" "And Gob decided to be generous" " with his last forget-me-now..." " (grunting):" "No!" "and for the first time, it was Michael who forgot his shame, and Gob who remembered." "Stupid, forgetful Michael." "Michael wakes up and is reminded of something horrible." "FATHER MARSALA (over TV):" "700,000." "Think about it." "That is a very big number." "700,000 abortions every year..." "NARRATOR:" "The amount of money he owed because Tobias wanted to mount this abortion." "♪ Fantastic Three, Fantastic... ♪" "And he does something that he never thought he'd do..." "LUCILLE 2 (recorded):" "Vote for Lucille!" " (beep)" " Hey, Lucille 2." "I was hoping that we could get together and talk about how I can repay you that loan." "...and had already done." "And then, with nothing left to lose, he makes another call." "Rebel." "Yeah, Michael." "I need to come over." "I'm..." "I don't want to act like it doesn't matter to me anymore, 'cause it does." "Well, there's somebody here right now." "I don't care." "The thing with the other guy, it's... you know, that's over, so we don't... we don't ever have to talk about that ever again." "It's going away." "Okay, well, you can come over later, okay?" " Good-bye." " I'll see you soon." "GEORGE MICHAEL:" "Who was that?" "No one."