"I let my dog off his lead and he just ran into the road." "(Rotor blades whir)" "It's the Helivets!" "(# Rock music)" "# From the sky to save your pets!" "# Here they come, the Helivets!" "#" " We're the Helivets!" " Where's the pet in peril?" "And who's the concerned owner?" "Don't worry, young lady, we'll soon have your scamp back wagging his tail..." " It's dead." "...tickling his tummy..." " It's dead." "...throwing him his ball..." " His head's over there." " We can save him." "We can't." "Come on!" "We're the Helivets!" "# The Helivets!" "#" "Yeah, OK." "Well, I'll see you later." "Bye." "(Blades clash)" " I can't face this." " What?" "The Roundheads and the Cavaliers... again." "What's wrong with the Roundheads and Cavaliers?" "I'm just sick of it." "We must've done it at least twenty times." "We come up the hill, you ambush, blah-blah-blah, Cromwell marches on." "I mean, there must be something else we can do." "So, we're the government forces of the Democratic Republic of Congo..." "Yeah." "And we're the rebel militiamen representing Sudanese tribal interests." " Yeah." " Uh-huh." "Ready?" "Are you absolutely sure that this isn't... racist?" "Yeah." "It's an historically accurate recreation of a landmark global conflict." " Right..." " So, take your positions!" " Ready?" " Hmm..." "OK, so..." "You will stop us if you think it's getting even the teeniest bit racist?" "Absolutely." "Yeah." "Go ahead." "(African accent) I am goin' to kill you with dis big machete!" "Stop!" " It's racist." "Very, very racist." " Shame." "Can I cadge a lift?" "My ceremonial headdress won't fit in the Saxo." "(# Light classical intro)" "(# Timpani drums boom)" "(# Soft big band jazz)" "Right, let's have a look at your charts, Mr Peppard." " Hmm..." "Looking better than yesterday." " Ooh, thank you, Doctor." "Now, you might feel a small prick." "Wouldn't be the first." "Brace yourself, here's one in the posterior." "I should be so lucky." "I hope you know where you're sticking it." " Don't worry, it isn't hard." " Speak for yourself." "Shall I get my cock out?" "(# Music stops)" "What?" "Dr Asquith, go and help Nurse Sidebottom." "(# Jazz music starts)" " Uh!" " Ooh!" " Tea or coffee, darling?" " That's a lovely pair of jugs." "Cheeky!" "Keep your hands off 'em, they're hot!" "Tell me something I don't know." "Har har!" "Do you want to rub them on my cock?" "(# Music stops)" "Asquith!" "Come with me!" "What on earth is wrong with you, Dr Asquith?" "This is supposed to be a bawdy 1970s hospital." "Please stick to using innuendo." "Sorry, sir, but I've never really understood the difference between double entendres and the stuff I say." "Let me try to explain." "If I say, "Would you like to grasp my rod?", that's innuendo." ""Would you like to wank off my cock?", that's not." "Do you see what I mean?" "Not really." "Maybe you're not cut out to be a doctor in a bawdy 1970s hospital." "Right." "Perhaps it's for the best if I leave." "I think you're right." "Don't make a scene, just leave discreetly." "Use the rear entrance and go up the back passage." " Oo-er, missus?" " Too late." "(# Folk tune)" "(Mimics Welsh) ...and hello to our viewers in England." "I hope you've had a safe week." "Glablang man methhod wank methhod." "With the wonderful art of padlock folding, or... padlockigami." "Padlockigami man beniweth..." "is a hobby any man can pick up." "All you need... mannwaddel methho glabban wanchbell, from a store or smith." "Alloaith banni ban maui show you first, sann benni weth... the Swan." "Alloaith methol padlockigami..." "acquaintance with your parts." "Ballthleglann benni... the Swan..." "ethell fann." "Mann wathy clann iello..." "keeping your hands well clear, ban whenni hathfy." "Bran baui methhol... the chuff." "Alloaith mach maui wethhol..." "the splint." "Then you're ready to get folding..." "mann waddell bran baui benniweth." "And there is a... sanni bethweth..." "the Swan!" "Gathhy?" "Ah..." "Gathhy gamni man wathell, fading away on all sorts of bonny bethhy." "Llabonnibethhy san benni wethh, to join the others!" "Bethh wellhi fanni jam." "See?" "There is his cousins!" "Alloaith man mathhol..." "peeking round a frond, ah!" "Athhi benma waddell... the Swan, leaving them all getting on together." "Atthi banma wadli padlockigami, padlock folding." "So, I hope to see you then." "Goodbye." "(Crowd roars)" "Tomorrow night on Sky Sports 4, it's the clash of the South Coast." "The irresistible force of Portsmouth meet the immovable Southampton, in a clash that'll go down in history as one of the many matches happening this weekend!" "There are old scores to be settled at The Dell." "Scores like 1-0 and 2-2, that have happened in previous years!" "Who will win this time between Sunderland and Blackburn?" "On Sunday, live, the battle for the Northwest, when Shrewsbury meet Macclesfield in a match described as "On Sunday"!" "Coming up midweek, the giants Charlton play host to the titans Ipswich, making them seem normal size." "Then Tottenham play Bolton to see who will win that!" "Also, Manchester United return to Aston Villa for a game of football to determine the victors for this year at least, and indeed at most." "Looking to March, every football team will be playing football several times." "Catch all that football here, where we'll be showing all the football all the time!" "Catch all of the constantly happening football here!" "It's all here and it's all football always!" "It's impossible to keep track of all of it, but your best chance is here!" "Thousands of hours of football, each more climactic than the last!" "Constant, dizzying, 24-hour, year-Iong, endless football!" "Every kick massively mattering to someone, presumably!" "Watch it all here all of the time forever!" "It will never stop!" "The football is officially going on forever!" "It will never be finally decided who has won the football!" "There is still everything to play for, and forever to play it in!" "So that's the football coming up!" "Watch it!" "Watch the football!" "Watch it!" "It's gonna move!" "Watch the football!" "It's football!" "Shall we put the telly on?" "(# Horror film music)" " Can you smell burning?" " No." "This is "London's Burning" and you're quite impressionable." "This isn't "London's Burning", it's "Pride And Prejudice"." "Is it?" "I was watching it like it's "London's Burning"." " What did you think was going on?" " I thought it was a massive flashback." " Want a cup of tea?" " Nah." "I don't think I do either really." " Seen this before." " Oh." "Oh, look, there was a fire." "That was a clip from your latest film, "Sometimes Fires Go Out", which has been described as "unrelentingly real"," ""a devastatingly faithful rendition of how life is", and "dull, dull, unbearably dull"." "Those quotes from the same review." "Welcome." "Hello." ""Sometimes Fires Go Out" picks up on themes from your earlier work, most notably "The Man Who Has A Cough, It's Just A Cough, He's Fine"." " We have a clip." " Super." "(# Romantic classical music)" "Oh, Kylie, I do so love you." "(Coughs)" "Darling, are you all right?" "(Coughs) It's just a cough." "I'll be fine." "(Heavy coughing)" "Oh..." "Oh, Adam, it's so good to see you." "You, too, Kylie." "If only I could shake this blasted cough." "It's such a bore." " Yes." "Of course, darling." " (Coughs)" " Adam?" " Hello, Kylie." "But you're... you're better." " Well, yes, it was just a cough." " Oh..." "Do you want to come back to mine?" "Um..." "Look, I thought you had TB." "TB?" "No, I'd have mentioned that." "God!" "No, it's just a cough." "Right." "I wish I hadn't let you do me now!" "Charming!" " Wonderful stuff." " Thank you." "Did you notice that the Edwardian woman is called Kylie?" " Yes." " Bit weird, isn't it?" "Er... yeah." "So, Peter, what would you say, apologies if this is a crass question, is the horniest bra size on a woman?" " What?" " I mean, what's the film's message?" "I feel the modern film industry has increasingly failed to reflect reality as people live it." "I mean, no one goes for a piss in "Star Wars"." "In the whole of "Ghostbusters", no one brushes their teeth." "In "Lost In Translation", nothing happens at all." "Let's move onto our next clip from your 1939 drama "The Gathering People"." "But surely, Prime Minister, Herr Hitler's actions demand the strongest response." "Hang on." "I think I'm about to sneeze." "No." "No, I'm not." " So frustrating." " Yes." "(Gasps)" "(Gasps)" "No." "Actually, I need the loo." "Right-o." "Should we carry on talking about the war?" " I think we should probably wait." " Right." "(Sneezes)" "What makes me proud of that moment is when it was first shown in the cinema, quite a lot of the audience actually went to the loo at the same point." "Well, I assume they went to the loo." "They left, anyway." "Indeed." "And tell me, and apologies if this is a naive question..." " Do puppies have Christmas?" " What?" "I mean, is there a extent to which you reject narrative convention," " cliché, if you will..." " Thank you." "...has led you away from the realism which you sought to portray?" " Are you talking about "Casualty"?" " I'm talking about "Casualty"." "I think they've had a terrible time with the builders." "We've had damp and it's literally the worst thing." "Yeah..." "Bye." "(Gasps)" "Aliens!" " Your backwash is making it fizzier!" " Sorry, that'll be the bon-bons." "Look, Ginger, my nemesis has left a calling card!" "A single monogrammed glove." "Pick it up!" "Yes, sir." "Look, Ginger!" "My nemesis has left another calling card." "A single monogrammed panty-liner." " Pick it up." " Do I have to, sir?" "Of course you do." "I'm incredibly busy!" "Look, Ginger." "My nemesis has left another calling card." " What's that, sir?" " There, on that fat man's wrist!" "Quick, before the police bungle in and contaminate the evidence." "Yes, sir!" "Excellent use of the monogrammed panty-liner!" " (Man) He's taken my watch!" " I think he noticed, sir!" "We must make good our escape, Ginger." "I'll drive." "(# Hums theme to "Dick Barton" " Special Agent")" "'In a world spinning as fast as when you've just sniffed a Dulux tester can, 'who is left to fight for all that is full of money 'that belongs to that teenager who can't handle himself?" "'Yes, it's the surprising adventures of me, Sir Digby Chicken Caesar!" "'" "Oh, stop, Ginger, I must think." "We're so close to finding my nemesis." "I believe we're looking for a menstruating child who is waterproofed to a depth of 50 metres." "Where can he be hiding in such a fiendish disguise?" " I smell sausage rolls." " You mean, something fishy?" "No, I smell sausage rolls." "You mean, you detect the dread hand of my nemesis' arch-rival," "Viscount von Sausage-Rolls?" "No, I can smell sausage rolls!" "Fucking what?" " I can smell sausage rolls!" " Stop saying that!" " (Sniffs) Can you smell sausage rolls?" " Sometimes." "(Children shout)" "Gadzooks!" "He must be hiding amongst these cake-eating dwarfs." "But how to outwit the guard?" "(# Hums theme to "Dick Barton")" "(Children scream)" "'How did my nemesis shrink himself?" "'When will Ginger find a method for discovering waterproof dwarfs?" "'Why don't kids' parties have real booze like when I was a dwarf?" "'Find out in the next instalment 'of "The Adventures of Sir Digby Chicken Caesar".'" "Red Beard, if I finish chipping this flint by time when sun is hottest, you could tie it to a stick by time when we all get hungry?" "I don't think so, Big Feet." "Today we're going to clearing where we go sometimes till we go to our huts." " Really?" "What for?" " It's Bronze Orientation Day." "Oh, bugger." "I'm sick of hearing about bronze." "Bronze, bronze, bronze, bronze." "What's wrong with stone?" "Does stone not work all of a sudden?" "They say bronze will revolutionise the way we hunter-gather." "Well, maybe." "I can't be doing with it." "Horrid, shiny stuff." "Eurgh!" "Er..." "Guys?" "This is Hairy Back from Tribe Who Have Lots Of Jewellery Suddenly." "He'll be leading our Bronze Orientation Day." "Hairy Back, this is Big Feet and Red Beard, our foremost chipper and tier." "Great." "Exactly the people I need to get through to." "My message for you is this:" ""Don't be afraid of bronze!"" "Unless, of course, someone is attacking you with a bronze axe, in which case you should be afraid, because bronze is brilliant!" "Meet bronze." "Bronze is your friend." "Bronze is user-friendly, multi-purpose, exciting, zeitgeisty, and, most importantly of all, it's slightly shiny." "Every day, we're finding new uses for bronze." "Bronze plates, bronze cups, bronze hats, bronze shoes, even bronze windows!" "Bronze doesn't even need to be chipped." "So, stone is dead, prepare for the Age of Bronze!" "Thank you." " Yes, you have a question." " Er..." "Yeah." "When you say bronze doesn't need to be chipped, right, my question is... doesn't it?" "No." "With new modern smelting, chipping is a thing of the past." "Right." "Cos I'm a chipper, you see?" "I won't lie, chippers as a breed are going the way of the sabre-toothed tiger." " (Screams)" " No, I mean they're gonna be extinct." "Have you thought of re-training as a smelter?" "No." "No, I haven't." "Smelting may be fine for the lads, but I'm no smelter." "And while bronze may be terribly clever, stone was all my old dad ever needed to feed a family of as many hands as I have and then more." "As a tribe, why don't we leave bronze to the smart-alecks and whiz kids, and we'll carry on using stone axes like we always do?" "Because if you do, the tribes with the bronze axes will kill you, take your stone axes and throw them away cos they're rubbish." "Oh..." " Yes?" " Will the bronze need tying to sticks?" " Oh, yes." " Cracking." "I mean, Kevin just wants to live a normal life, really, which is incredibly difficult, isn't it, darling?" " (Farts)" " I know." "(Narrator) 'Kevin Armstrong is no ordinary 12-year-old.'" " Let's get ready for school." " 'Everyday tasks like going to school, 'eating a family meal or even going upstairs to bed... '" " (Thump)" " Careful, darling." "'... present an enormous challenge.'" "Jumper coming now." "Obviously, Kevin can't see very well." "Can you, darling?" "(Farts)" "That's because instead of a face, he's just got another arse." "'Continuing "The Sensitive Freak Show" series, 'we'll be telling the uplifting story of one boy's extraordinary bravery, 'as if that's what you're interested in, 'rather than the fact that he's got an arse for a face." "'Follow the trials and tribulations of his struggle to lead a normal life, 'while also getting to have a good old stare at the freak 'in a way you can tell yourself is sort of OK." "'That's "The Boy With An Arse For A Face", 'a story of love and triumph, 'but with loads of juicy pictures of a boy with an arse for a face, 'this Sunday on Five.'" " What's this place, then?" " It's the show's garden." " It's what?" " Its garden." "The "That Mitchell And Webb Look" garden." "I thought "Blue Peter" was the only programme with a garden." " Why did you think that?" " Well..." "What's so special and brilliant about "Blue Peter"" "that you think it's the only show with a garden?" "It's the only programme with its garden in the show." "Exactly!" "And that's everything that's wrong with TV." "It's considered vulgar for a programme to put its own garden on TV." "To actually use the programme's own private garden as a location, it's like pimping out a child." "Yet, horrifically, in "Blue Peter's" case, it seems to have worked." "People think it's the only show that's got a garden." "So every programme has got its own private garden?" " Oh, yeah." " Like "The News" and "Hustle"?" "And "America's Next Top Model"?" "They've got gardens?" " Yeah." " "Crimewatch"?" " Yup." " What, surrounded by barbed wire?" "Rob, the gardens aren't themed." "They're just nice gardens." "The "Gardener's World" garden, not the one you see on the programme, isn't even well-gardened, it's just a bit of grass and a swing." "The "Blue Planet" garden hasn't even got a pond." "They want to get away from all that in their downtime." "Hmm..." "That makes sense." "Well, it's nice." "Aren't we doing a "Blue Peter" though, breaking the unwritten rule?" "That did worry me a bit, but it's OK, cos the truth is, this isn't actually our garden." "Our garden's just through there." "No, this is the "The Apprentice:" "You're Fired!" garden." "Look, there's Adrian Chiles laying some decking." " Hiya." "You all right?" " (Both) Hi." "(Narrator) 'When your number's up, there's nowhere left to run.'" "No!" "No!" "No!" "(Crunch)" "'This summer, prepare to be astounded.'" "My God." "All these numbers..." "They're all Numberwang." "Even his body is in the shape of the number one." " The prime Numberwang." " But what does it mean, Professor?" "Actually, I'm an assistant professor." "But what does it mean, Assistant Professor?" "I don't know." "The world is full of numbers, everywhere you look." "On buses, speed-limit signs, inside shoes, even in the phone book." "I never realised." "But are the numbers on the side of Good or Evil?" "They said all numbers were neutral." "They lied, Charles!" "They lied!" " Sorry, who's Charles?" " You are." "Right." "The man hadn't said yet." "There have always been rumours of a Numberwang Code." "And now we know there is one." "A Numberwang Code, I mean." "I can't see anything." "You have to look with better eyes than that." "My God, I see it!" "They're clearly having chicken with egg fried rice." "Number 37, with a side order of 14." "Add them together and what do you get?" " A Numberwang?" " Exactly." " You've got to solve this, Charles!" " Why?" "Because otherwise the world might end." "(Narrator) 'In a world which might end, only one man knows the answer.'" "I don't know the answer!" "'But the forces of Evil are against him.'" "He's dead." "Poisoned." "'And he has only the dead to help him.'" "The last tomb of the Knights of Wangernumb!" "'We're in the middle of a war, Charles!" "'" " I thought he was dead." " Don't give away the twist." "(Narrator) 'A war to protect a secret so powerful that if revealed 'it would devastate the very foundation of humanity!" "'" "Prepare to be wangernumbed." "Oh, it's an anagram!" "(Narrator) "'The Numberwang Code", coming soon.'" " There you go." " Thanks, Adrian." " Not at all." " Cheers." "This is great!" "Every show still has a garden." "I didn't think you got that in TV any more." "I thought it was all "Big Brother" and regionalisation." "Rob, the gardens have caused the regionalisation." "Think about it." " Price of land?" " Price of land." ""Film 2007" could barely afford an allotment in London, but now they're made by BBC Scotland, they have a loch and a grouse moor!" "Who has the best garden?" ""Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps", hands down." "Really?" "Is that why it keeps getting recommissioned?" "Yeah." "They don't want to get rid of the garden." " If you saw it, you'd agree with them." " I'm sure." "If people knew how nice the garden was, they wouldn't mind the show at all." " They see it as a necessary evil." " Exactly." "So, can we have a look at our real garden?" "If you like." " Wow!" "Hookers!" " Ooh, yeah." "Right." "This should be relatively painless." "Scott, you've been with Sellacron three years, right?" " Three years, yes." " Urgh!" "During that time, you've been responsible for marketing initiatives?" "Broadly, yes, although my remit overlapped with distribution." "Oh, for God's sake!" "I should point out, Derek is here to provide extreme negative feedback, so we can assess your ability to cope with stressful situations, all right?" "Oh, I see." "Yes, that's fine." "As long as it's fine, that's all right, then!" " Would you outline for us..." " Wanker!" "...the main priorities for this position?" "The main problem, as I see it, is over-reliance on core customers." "(Derek) Yeah, right!" " They've got to be looked after..." " (Derek) Fanny!" "...but there's no chance of growth..." " Stupid fanny!" "...in the long or medium term unless we attract new consumers." "Oh, this is all great!" "So great!" "Let me get all this down." "Whether we do that with more resources..." "Mmm!" "Absolutely!" "Yeah!" "...or try to overhaul our approach is a vexed question." "Vexed, yeah, that's good." "It's all so vexed!" " But if it's a major rethink..." " Ding!" "...we'll need to look..." " Ding!" "...at next year's budget..." " Ding!" "...to see what's feasible." " Ding, ding, ding!" "That makes sense." "You're coping well with the negative feedback." "Well, thanks." "I think I've got the hang of it now." "Aaaahh!"