"DWIGHT:" "I have left Dunder Mifflin after many record-breaking years, and I'm officially on the job market and it's very exciting." "For your convenience, I've broken it down into three parts." "Professional resume, athletic and special skills resume and Dwight Schrute trivia." "DWIGHT:" "I am ready to face any challenges that might be foolish enough to face me." "How would I describe myself?" "Three words." "Hardworking, alpha male, jackhammer." "Merciless, insatiable." "There's nothing on my horizon except everything." "Everything is on my horizon." "I got this job to make some money while I continue my employment search." "And it's fine for the time being." "Break's over." "Big Turkey?" "(MUSIC PLAYING ON CELL PHONE)" "He rocks in the treetop all a day long" "Hoppin' and a-boppin' and a-singin' the song" "All the little birds on..." "Is that you singing?" "All four parts." "Recorded it on my computer." "JIM:" "Wow." "Took me forever." "Nice job." "Thank you muchly." "Oh rockin' robin well you really gonna rock tonight" "Every little swallow..." "You gonna answer it?" "Every little bird in the tall oak tree" "I called it myself." "Just thought you'd get a kick out of the new ring." "Yikes." "Side note, just like to say I'm thrilled to be working directly beneath you." "Cool." "I feel I have a lot to learn from you, even though you're younger and have less experience." "So here's to the future, Andy and the Tuna." "(SINGING) Andy and the Tuna" "Oh, what a duo, magical Andy and the Tuna" "I miss Dwight." "Congratulations, universe, you win." "Top won't go up!" "Look who's here!" "Hello hello!" "Welcome back!" "Hi Michael." "Good to see you." "As you know, Oscar is a gay man who is also my friend." "And he's been on a little bit of a sabbatical, recently, seeing the world, finding himself." "Having lots of fun, no doubt." "What does that mean?" "Check out the new car!" "German engineering." "Nice!" "How many pays does that set you back?" "It's a company lease." "From the settlement." "After you kissed me." "Well, that's how this company takes care of our employees!" "When we settle, we settle high!" "I have an idea." "Rainbow stickers." "All over the back windshield." "Shout it from the mountain tops, my friend!" "Part of me wants the people of this office to have learned their lesson and just shut the hell up." "And part of me thinks" ""you know what, keep talking." "I'd really love a home theater."" "Yes, Dwight Schrute has left the company." "More personnel turnover." "Cost of doing business." "Yeah, well, it is a big loss." "Dwight was the top salesman." ""Was" the top salesman." "I said was." "Right, addition by subtraction." "What does that even mean?" "That is impossible." "Yeah, you're right." "But there is some good news." "Oscar is back, addition by addition." "So we are going to have a big party today to welcome him back, and hopefully, that'll lift everyone's spirits." "Hey." "Oscar." "Good to have you back." "Pam." "Good to be back." "Hey!" "Hey, Oscar." "Welcome back, Oscar!" "Thank you." "Good to be back." "Hi, everyone." "Oh, hello, Oscar." "How was your gaycation?" "That's very funny." "Yeah?" "I thought of that like two seconds after you left." "Hi, Angela." "Oscar." "Hey, boss." "MICHAEL:" "Hey, what's up?" "Nothing." "Man." "TGI Wednesday." "Am I right?" "Yep." "Gonna go home, get my beer on, get my Lost on." "What're you doing later?" "You wanna hang out?" "Oh, I don't know, maybe." "Well, I'll take that as a maybe." "Where're you going?" "Bathroom." "Oh, I'm going to the kitchen, I'll walk with you." "Things are going pretty good." "Getting a lot of face time with the boss." "Oscar, I have a question." "Would you like to join the Party Planning Committee?" "The committee with all the women?" "Yeah." "Because I'm gay?" "No, no." "Certain events have transpired and I've thought about certain things, and I'm sorry for the way those certain events transpired." "And I would just like to make some changes about certain things." "And certain situations and certain accounts." "Okay, okay." "All right, all right, I'll join." "I'd love to." "That's..." "Thank you." "Thank you." "Thank you." "Can I join, too?" "Never." "You sell those two printers this morning?" "Nice work." "Child's play." "Give me something hard to sell." "Hey where's Dwight?" "You didn't hear?" "Decapitated." "Whole big thing." "We had a funeral for a bird." "I'm pretty sure none of that's real." "You're not real man!" "Wow, what is wrong with this thing?" "It looks terrible." "Do you want me to ask the night cleaning crew if they stopped watering it?" "Yeah." "Oh, you know what?" "Ask them about the toys on my desk, too." "They always used to arrange the toys on my desk in a very pleasing way." "It used to brighten my morning." "Oh, that wasn't the night crew." "That was Dwight." "Really?" "That was very nice of him." "We need more attitude like that around this office." "Feel you, dawg." "Yeah, do you?" "Absolutely." "What did I say?" "You said... (MUMBLING)" "Which is like..." "Right on." "Pam was like, "Blah, blah, blah,"" "and you're like, "Yeah."" "(EXCLAIMS)" "Nailed it." "Wow, wow, wow." "Love that Andy, right?" "Solid fellow." "Seems smart enough." "Likes me a lot." "A lot?" "Too much." "Like a crazy person a little." "Not super crazy, just..." "There's something about him that creeps me out." "I can't really explain it." "He's always up in my biznezz, which is Ebonics for being in my face and annoying the bejesus out of me." "I don't understand how someone can have so little self-awareness." "I really have no preference." "We don't even have to have a party." "No, hey." "Hey, don't be ridiculous." "Of course we're going to have a party." "The celebration of Oscar." "Oscar night." "And I wanted to be Oscar specific." "Michael..." "No." "No, I mean, not because you're gay." "Your gayness does not define you." "Your Mexicanness is what defines you to me." "And I think we should celebrate Oscar's Mexicanity." "So, Phyllis, I want you to go find firecrackers and a Chihuahua." "Pam, in the frozen food section," "Swanson makes a delightful chimichanga." "Why don't you have me riding in on a donkey into the office, Michael?" "Would that be good?" "A burro." "Of course, if Oscar wants a donkey, let's get him one." "Need any help?" "Oh, no, thank you." "I'm just looking." "Great." "I will literally be standing right here if you need anything at all." "Okay." "Think I could go for some tuna fish right about now." "Got my rod here." "(MIMICKING FISHING ROD)" "Click, click, click, click." "Click, click, click, click." "Click, click, click, click." "(GRUNTING)" "Hey." "Hey." "Hey, so Andy is in rare form today." "Yeah, you should not encourage him." "Encourage him?" "I'm the victim, okay?" "He's fishing for me." "We gotta do something." "Look, I've got like 15 new clients that I've inherited from Dwight and each file is password protected with a different mythical creature, so..." "I'm sorry." "I can't." "Fine." "Party pooper." "(GRUNTING)" "MICHAEL:" "Who's that sportscaster that bit that lady?" "Mar-something?" "Andy is like Mar-something." "Great sportscaster, big weirdo creep." "185-pounder." "Check it out." "Hey, Ryan." "What?" "Do you want to pull a prank on Andy?" "Not right now, but ask me again ten years ago." "I liked you better as the temp." "Me too." "Hey, guys." "How's the workload?" "All of Dwight's old accounts." "Handling it okay?" "Sort of." "He had a lot of clients." "Yes, he did." "Have any of you talked to Dwight?" "Oh, sure, we talk all the time." "Really?" "No." "Don't do that." "It's not nice." "What about you, Phyllis?" "You and Dwight were close." "No, sorry." "Dwight had a big personality and I have a big personality." "And a lot of times when two people like that get together, it can be explosive." "Really coming down out there." "The commute's gonna be hell." "I have snow tires and chains, plus exceptional hand-eye coordination." "So, where were you working before this?" "Dunder Mifflin." "What kind of company is that?" "Paper company." "We're only one of Staples' top competitors in the area." "I never heard of them." "Oh, really?" "Have you heard of paper?" "It's gonna be like that, huh?" "I don't like him, his giant head, or his beady, little eyes." "That's all I got to say on the matter." "(SINGING) In your head in your head" "Zombie, Zombie" "Zombie" "In your head" "Would you like to pull a prank on Andy?" "I'm kind of in the middle..." "Yes, please." "Okay, good." "Stay right here." "Zombie" "In your head" "Sorry about that." "Oh, smooth move, Tuna." "Nice one." "Are there any messages?" "No." "So weird." "Nice to have Oscar back." "Yeah." "So how much do you love Lance Bass now?" "I don't know who that is." "You don't know who Lance Bass is?" "He's only one of the five best singers ever." "And gay?" "I've never heard of him." "Oscar, you really need to learn more about your culture." "I'm not fine." "And no, I don't want to talk about it." "All right." "Okay, fine." "What do you think of Andy?" "Because on paper, Andy and I should be best buds." "We even have the same top10 all-time favorite movie list." "Down to the number." "Andy's a yes-man." "No." "Sometimes I say I don't like something, he says he doesn't like it either." "Right." "He'll always agree with whatever you're saying." "He did the same thing with Josh in Stamford." "If he did that with Josh, he could be doing that with me." "When I was five years old, I had those Spiderman pijamas." "And one night, my mum was tucking me in." "And she tried to give me a raspberry on my tummy." "You know..." "And I tried to crawl away, and what happened was, her eyes were closed and she grabbed me and she... kissed me on my butt." "And t was just the worst." "So I know what it's like to have your butt kissed." "Litterally." "An.." "And it's terrible." "And it better not be what Andy is doing." "(MUSIC PLAYING ON CELL PHONE)" "He rocks in the treetop all a day long" "Hoppin' and a-boppin' and a-singin' the song" "Large Tuna, have you seen my cell phone device?" "No." "'Cause someone is calling right now." "There is a call." "...well you really gonna rock tonight" "Every little swallow..." "Angela." "Is everything okay?" "No." "I miss him." "Dwight?" "No, John Denver." "Okay." "It was a good talk." "Wait!" "Im sorry." "He's gone because of me." "I told him I would be upset if people knew about us, so he didn't have an alibi for Michael!" "I denied him!" "I still think there is a way you can explain it to Michael." "Somehow..." "I am not like you!" "Walking around in your provocative outfits, saying whatever thought pops in your head!" "Yeah, that's me." "Thank you this was helpful." "(MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING)" "He rocks in the treetop..." "What's going on?" "What're you talking about?" "Where is my freaking phone?" "Love to hear the robin goin'..." "You know what?" "Maybe it's in the ceiling." "You know what?" "Maybe you're in the ceiling." "Okay." "ANDY:" "I don't trust you, Phyllis." "Every little swallow, every chickadee" "Nevermind, you're busy." "I'll come back tomorrow." "No, what is it?" "I just..." "I wanted to let you know that Dwight was late that morning because he had to drive to New York to drop off the quarterly tax forms that I forgot to send." "Though to be fair, Kevin never reminded me." "Why would Dwight do that for you?" "I think I know why." "Because Dwight... would do that for anyone here." "Because Dwight loves this company." "That's why." "Do you think that anyone else out there would've driven to corporate for you?" "None of them." "Especially not Andy." "Oh rockin' robin well you really gonna rock tonight" "Pam, I have a mission to accomplish." "Make sure this party gets rolling and I will be back shortly." "Where are you going?" "Want me to come with?" "Listen, I forgot to tell you the plan for this Saturday." "You, me, bar, beers, buzzed." "Wings, shots, drunk." "Waitresses, hot." "Football, Cornell, Hofstra." "Slaughter." "Then, quick nap at my place and we hit the tizzown." "No." "I don't wanna do any of that." "Duh." "Which is why I was joking about doing it." "No, just stop." "Stop." "Just stop doing it." "You're going to drive me crazy." "Fine, I'll just go sit at my desk and be quiet." "Sorry I annoyed you with my friendship." "(MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING)" "Excuse me." "He rocks in the treetop all a day long" "And I'm also sorry that a lot of people here for some reason think it's funny to steal someone's personal property and hide it from them." "Here's a little news flash." "It's not funny!" "In fact, it's pretty freaking un-funny!" "Every little swallow, every chickadee" "God!" "(GRUNTS)" "The wise old owl and the big black crow" "Flapping them wings..." "That was an overreaction." "Gonna hit the break room." "Does anybody want anything?" "Pam, you good?" "Yeah." "Sure?" "Okay." "I made a mess." "I forced Dwight to resign prematurely and I replaced him with Andy." "who loves this place so much he punched a hole in it." "It is a mess." "Big mess." "And it's weird, because this is not like me." "I am usually the guy they call in to clean up the mess." "I guess today," "I am going to have to call in myself." "Dwight?" "Dwight!" "I'm sorry." "DWIGHT:" "Well, that question is meaningless." "Just go with the copy paper, it's your funeral." "See how that works out for you." "Hey." "Hey." "What's up?" "Same old." "It takes a big man to admit his mistake, and I am that big man." "Angela from accounting told me what you did." "Oh, my God, she told you?" "Yes, she did." "And, Dwight, if you were willing to do something like that for some random co-worker," "then clearly, I misjudged you from the beginning." "And I apologize." "Accepted." "How's this place treating you?" "My boss isn't funny." "I don't get to wear my ties." "No." "Sure." "So..." "So maybe you should come back." "You should come back." "Please." "I don't wanna do your laundry anymore." "We can talk about that." "All right." "(MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO)" "Oh, my God." "That's half-inch dry wall." "I think we broke his brain." "JIM: "It's not freaking funny!"" "You really enjoying your fiesta?" "Actually, yeah." "I didn't think I would but turns out it's great." "Ladies and gentlemen, may I present Mr. Dwight Schrute." "Welcome back." "Thank you." "Okay, Dwight, you can let go of her hand." "You're gonna break it." "Not bad, huh?" "You did this for me?" "Guilty." "Where did you get this stuff?" "Gerdy's." "Which isle?" "I don't remember." "Well, draw me a map, mama." "I will shake mine, and then you will shake yours." "No I will not." "So this reminds you of your childhood or anything?" "It reminds me a lot of" "The Three Amigos with Steve Martin and Chevy Chase" "Wow, thank you." "Wow, that's..." "Thanks so much." "Hey." "Do you still have feelings for her?" "Yes." "And now, ladies and gentlemen, the big finale." "Sir, would you do the honor?" "Oh, man." "No, no, no, no." "I don't need it." "(YELLING)" "MICHAEL:" "It takes a big man to admit his mistake and that's what I did." "The important thing is, I learned something." "I don't want somebody sucking up to me because they think I'm going to help their career." "I want them sucking up to me because they genuinely love me." "So Michael had a little chat with corporate and they decided to send me to management training." "Anger management, technically, but still, management material." "This whole thing's supposed to take 10 weeks." "I expect to be done in five." "How?" "Name repetition, personality mirroring and positive reinforcement through nods and smiles." "So don't worry about old Andy Bernard." "I'll be back." "Just like Rambo." "Oh, hi, you must be Andy." "Oh, hi." "Yes, I am, and you must be Marcy." "That's right, it's so good to meet you." "It's so good to meet you." "Thanks." "Well, you ready to have some fun?" "Yeah." "ENCODER : maximersk/MRSK"