"[ cheering ]" "ANNOUNCER:" "Come on, let's see those horns!" "Let's see those horns!" "[ cheering ]" "With Dethklok's help and my 666-point business plan, we will make this world better." "Come on!" "Let's see a pit down here." "Why do they have us right here in front of all these dildos?" "Yeah, I mean, we're right in front of everybody." "It's like they're gawkings at us likes a bunch of fish that can't close their eyes." " Look at that guy." " Look at that one." "Look at that douche." "NATHAN:" "Look at that douche bag." "Look at that douche bag." "SKWlSGAAR:" "Looks at that douche bag." "Looks at that douche bag." "NATHAN:" "Look at that douche bag." "MURDERFACE:" "Looks at that douche bag." "Douche bag." "Douche bag." "All:" "Douche bag." "Douche bag." "Douche bag." "Douche bag." "Douche bag." "Douche bag." "I'm just so irritated by these stupid fans!" "Dude, what's wrong with you?" "It's that here we are, again, stuck with each other." "We've got no friends." "I know, it's just us." "We're not friends, are we?" "No." "Oh, god, no." "Friends, we can't to affords to have friends this days." "The price for fames." "A bunch of caged rats." "That's what we are, a bunch of caged rats that are also death-metal musicians." "Yeah, we're the rats, and look what's on the other side of the cage." "Douche bags." "Yeah, what if some of these [bleep] starts [bleep] us?" "Who knows?" "What if we get [bleep] with?" "You know, I feel slightly, just slightly better knowing my sawed-off shotgun is loaded." "Oh, I got cinnamon icing all over my hand!" "What happened back there, huh?" "What was that?" "We don't know." "We no means it." "It was accidents." "We're not at fault." "Blood bath doesn't read well in print, all right?" "You know what I'm saying?" "We can't do anything right!" "Look, I've noticed you guys have been down and pouty lately." "And I don't want to put you in harm's way anymore, so I've taken the liberty of hiring doubles to take over for your celebrity appearances." "Dethklok, meet Dethklok." "" Do anything for Dethklok " " Do anything for Dethklok "" "" Do anything for Dethklok "" "" Do anything for Dethklok " " Do anything for Dethklok "" "" Dethklok!" "Dethklok!" "Dethklok!" "Dethklok! "" "" l'm...ticking...for...the..." "Dethklok!" "Dethklok! "" "" Skwisgaar Skwigelf, taller than a tree "" "" Toki Wartooth, not a bumblebee "" "" William Murderface Murderface Murderface "" "" Pickles the drummer "" "" Doodily doo, doodily doo "" "" Nathan Explosion "" "STAMPlNGSTON:" "Gentlemen, this latest Duncan Hills coffee store opening has ended in a massacre." "General Crozier?" "Many innocents died." "No report of any attempt on Dethklok's lives whatsoever." "It means that Dethklok has greatly improved their security." "Which is why they've employed doubles who work for us." "These are some of our finest soldiers." "STAMPlNGSTON:" "More interesting is the union between" "Leonard Purcell and Dethklok." "They've taken their business relationship to the next level and stand to monopolize all coffee shops on the planet." "Purcell has purchased the island of Sumatra, and Dethklok will meet him there and perform on top of a dormant volcano." "CROZlER:" "Our doubles will get close to Purcell and retrieve his secret business contracts, which will no doubt help us to control his growing strength." "Be careful, General." "We are here to observe." "Be careful." "MURDERFACE:" "Let me see if I understand you correctly." "You expect us to cut off our faces and then sew them on these regular jack offs and then resew them back on our own faces for the tour?" "You're a sick man." "No, no, there will be no face cutting." "Look at them." "They already look like you." "NATHAN:" "Oh, I thought that was, like, a coincidence." "That is coincidence." "Listen, great men throughout history have used doubles, men who needed to stay alive for the greater good of the people, like yourselves, men like Winston Churchill," "Joseph Stalin " "Awesome!" "I'm Stalin. I call it." "I'm Nixon." "I wants to be Bill Cosby." "No, it doesn't work that way." "We get doubles of you is what I'm saying." "Hold on." "This guy does not look like me." "He's hideous." "He's grotesque." "Look at him." "Actually, Murderface, he " "MURDERFACE:" "Look at that head, that disgusting forehead, that stupid-shaped hair, beady eyes, like, stupid, flat nose, white, hammer-ass, chicken-pluck legs idiot." "You got to get your eyes checked, you piece of [bleep] the guy doesn't look like me!" "Oh, god." "He looks just like me." "[ indistinct talking ]" "Uh, listen, I don't think it's a great idea for you guys to get too close to your doubles." "Well, I guess we are friends all of the suddens." "Well, you just can't have them as your friends." "Oh, he admits it, sees?" "He is a tyrants." "He admits it." "Do you understand the purpose of having a double?" "Yeah, I'll take this one, guys." "A double is like having the best friend you've ever had in your whole life." "A double listens to you when no one in this crazy world will." "A double is like having a child and watching him grow up and feeling that feeling of pride and unyielding trust that no one else can " "They exist so that if someone tries to kill you, they will be killed instead." "Whoa, what?" "I mean, just thinking of those us as dead, I mean, I'm gonna cry." "I might seriously cry about that." "That's why you don't get emotionally attached, Nathan." "NATHAN:" "Hey, where'd my me go?" "CROZlER:" "What do you have so far?" "Sir, the band Dethklok will not give us a moment to ourselves." "All they want to do is pal around." "[ bang ] Wait, I've been spotted." "NATHAN:" "Hey, me, we don't got a lot of time before you got to go!" "We've got to go pal around!" "ANNOUNCER:" "Well, it's a great Duncan Hills Metal Day parade here today in Pasadena, California." "Dethklok looks great." "They're looking healthy." "They're feeling good." "It's a great day." "Back to you." "[ dialing ]" "Hey, we just saw you on TV at the parade!" "Hey, when you get back, we're gonna have a surprise party for you." "Give me the phone." "Give me the phone." "Give me the phone." "Give me the phone." "Give me the phone!" "Hold on!" "Here's Nathan." "Hi." "We just saw you the parade!" "It was great!" "I said that already!" "Oh, yeah, we're having a party for you when you come back." "It's be gonna be awesome!" "Ask them if they want chocolate cake." "I will." "Hold on." "Hold on." "Oh, we'll gets the bounce house." "Tell them about the balloons!" "We're gonna have balloons!" "We got to go." "Goodbye." "What are you, uh, doing, on the phone?" "You're supposed to be doing your jobs." "Jobs?" "I play bass not to have a job." "You're supposed to be preparing for the concert." "Nathan..." "you're in charge here." "How's rehearsal coming?" "Oh, it's, um... uh...uh... uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..." "Good." "[ bird chirping ]" "NATHAN:" "You ever think of just, you know, giving it all up?" "You know?" "You mean, like, killings yourself." "No." "What?" "No, I mean, like, stopping being big, famous, becoming a regular old jack off." "And then kill yourself?" "No, no, it's stopping being famous -- yeah, I don't know, you can kill yourself if you want to." "You know, it would be great, you know, to walk down the street, not be bothered for once." "Walks where?" "I don't know." "Walk down the street." "To where?" "To where-- l don't know, walk to the store." "Just buys it on the internet." "Haves it delivered." "I know I can buy it on the internet, but what if I want to walk to the park and look at some swans, you know?" "Well, maybe you should have thought of that before you got famous." "NATHAN:" "Toki's right." "We're here in Sumatra, a nation built on coffee." "The Sumatrans, known as a nervous, edgy, and dehydrated people, seem to have a calm excitement tonight as they anticipate Dethklok's performance on Condor Mountain, the world-famous dormant volcano, where 10,000 baristas will be brewing" "the largest cup of coffee." "NATHAN:" "[ singing indistinctly ]" "Ugh!" "Ow." "Oh." "Get it open and hack the briefcase." "We need those contracts." "" We fear no death "" "" We fear no death "" "" We fear no death "" "Hey, awesome!" "Dethklok!" "Can I have your autograph?" "Aaaaah!" "[ screaming ] I got it!" "[ screams ]" "What was thought to be a dormant volcano erupted after 50,000 gallons of Duncan Hills coffee was brewed inside of it." "Thousands of fans were incinerated." "Rumors of Dethklok being burned alive were greatly exaggerated, as the band escaped unharmed." "Well, I'm afraid it's time to say goodbye to your doubles." "Toki:" "Why?" "They still alive." "I know they are." "Then why do we got to say goodbye to them?" "Because, Pickles, they no longer look like you." "That was the point." "Their skin is burned, they don't even have features." "SKWlSGAAR:" "What if we burned ourselves to looks like thems?" "Then maybes we coulds keep them." "That would work!" "You know it would!" "Come on, let's burn ourselves!" "That is out of the question, Murderface." "You're out of the question." "I'm afraid it's time for you to say goodbye to your doubles now." "Let us do it." "It's better if they hear it from us, because we're them, after all." "Thanks for coming, us." "You know, there's -- there's never an easy ways to do this." "But, you know, sometimes you -- we're out of options sometimes." "You know business is not personal, and in this case, it is, because it's us." "You're us, and -- [ sighs ] I hate having to say this, but" "Oh-- Let me explain." "I got a little smoother way of explaining it, here." "Guys... it's " "You see, the thing is that -- [ gunshot ] [ thumps ]"