" for 15 years, i fantasized about everyone noticing me as i walked down the hall." "what would i be wearing?" "would every guy worship me?" "would i be 5 inches taller and have porn [bleep]?" "no." "That was not my reality." "my moment in the spotlight sucked some serious ass." "but like any good horror movie, my nightmare began at summer camp." "it was a lame afternoon dance, but magic was in the air." "the dorks were getting crunk and the rest of us were getting drunk." "and for the first time since i got my braces off, i didn't feel...invisible." " * lose your mind * we just want to see you" " * gone like damn" " there it was, the signal." "i was hoping he'd do something more inspired, like sniff his armpits." "but Matty had a habit of doing that a lot." "attention to personal hygiene is just one of Matty's many stellar attributes." "he was perfection." "[gagging] unlike me." "i was a hot mess of nerves, 'cause Matty Mckibben wanted me--a nobody-- to meet him in the utility closet." "this wasn't the inciting incident of some sappy tyra special about how i got knocked up on the last day of camp." "i knew better than to bareback." "our passionate bumping of uglies was a sign." "this year would be my year." "for once, i wouldn't be overlooked." "not with matty at my-- back door!" " Oh, sorry." "I slipped." " yeah." "[Chuckles] it's okay." "change was in the air." "i could smell it." "it was change and pine-scented cleanser." " hey, am i hurting you?" " somehow, admitting my virgin status seemed like a buzz kill." "no, it's, uh... probably just an allergy attack." "i get 'em all the time." "don't let it stop you." " oh, okay." " whew!" " awesome!" "[sighs] are you bummed?" "the summer's, like, over." " yeah." " any plans for your last two weeks?" " i don't know." "probably just hang out, watch movies, swim or something." " cool." " are you going to sophomore orientation?" " well, don't we have to?" " right." "Of course." "uh, no." "what i meant was-- i couldn't help myself." "matty had cracked my hard candy shell and it was oozing with sticky sweet love." "do you want to go together?" " [chuckles] hey... you are the [bleep], j-town." " so he wasn't a poet." "he was still matty mckibben..." " but nobody can know that i like you." " and i was still jenna hamilton." " that's ridiculous." "allison is not a size 2." "No!" "i saw her at the club." "she was falling out of her tennis skirt, and not in a good way." "hey, jenna." "this came in the mail for you." "jim is a plastic surgeon." "yeah, he would never sleep with her." " my mother always knew when something was wrong." "and promptly avoided the conversation." " i'm not paying dominique to do your hair anymore if you're not gonna style it." "seriously." " * when we meet again * my bones will ache * my muscles shake * my blood will rush * my face will flush" " what do i call the worst day of my life?" " * when we meet again * your eyes will drop * my heart will stop" " "robbed, raw, and reeling."" "[im chimes] [cell phone rings]" " he blew you off?" "That's crap-ass!" "but i sort of saw it coming." " and you didn't warn me?" " it wasn't like i saw it psychically or anything." "guys like matty don't go for girls like us." "but look at the bright side." "at least matty didn't digitize you, broadcast it to the entire band, and then ditch you at winter formal to hook up with scary carrie." "that was hardcore humiliation." "in your scenario, at least nothing happened." " yeah, at least nothing happened." " can you imagine how suicidal you'd be if, god forbid, you actually took your shirt off?" " i can only imagine." " i sense some sad times at jenna high and you have got to snap out of it." "marching band's having a kegger at ricky schwartz's house tonight." "i need my favorite wingwoman there since ming's bagged out." " is she grounded again?" " yeah, she can't get her psat scores above 120." "her parents are starting to think she might not be chinese." " okay, that's so not cool." " i didn't say it, ming did." "so will you come?" " not sure." "Call you later?" " i'll keep my phone up close and personal in anticipation." "it's on vibrate." "now go sob in your blog." "and feel free to quote me." "[keypad beeps]" " "jenna, as you are now," ""you could disappear and no one would notice." ""a friend." ""below is a list of suggestions you should take" ""into serious consideration." "number one: stop being such a [bleep]."" ""whoever wrote the letter didn't pull any punches." "it was the truth and the truth hurt."" " dinner in ten!" " "sometimes being a teenager makes you want to die."" "[sighs] you do look awful." "aspirin, take me away." "[gagging] [glass shatters] [coughs] [screams] ah!" "[electricity crackles]" " jenna?" "Jenna?" "jenna!" " physically, she's on the road to recovery." "but emotionally, it's gonna be a long haul." "did she exhibit any warning signs?" " why can't she be like every other teenager and just starve herself?" "i mean, i can wrap my head around that, but this?" " lacey, this isn't about you." "our daughter is suicidal." "i can't even imagine what she was feeling when she wrote that note." "[glass shatters]" " it was just a dramatic teenage rant, not a cry for help." "[groans]" " hey, sweetheart." " it's okay, honey." "everything's gonna be okay." " it was a misunderstanding of epic proportions." "god, i wanted to die." "i mean--you know what i mean." " when i was initially charting my course to visibility, i really should have defined the kind of visibility i wanted." " that girl was in my western civ class last year." "i had no idea she was huffing spray paint." " my mom's manicurist's friend's therapist was at the hospital when that girl came in." "i swear it was pop rocks and coke." " i heard when they pumped that girl's stomach, they found, like... 700 pills." " what kind of pills?" " no, it was autoerotic asphyxiation." "i love that girl." " for two weeks, i tried to explain that my accident was just that-- an accident." "the more i denied it, the more everyone assumed i was in denial." "it was a vicious circle." "[laughter]" " i mean, he has a fupa." "so creepy." " i can't believe that girl showed up." "handicapped is a hard look to style." " she should be in a mental ward." "[loud clangs]" " shh." " why are you shushing me?" " sorry, sadie." " the loser wants us to talk about her." "that's why she did it." "it was a pathetic ploy for attention." " she should go to church." " or thailand." "only a pedophile would screw her." "maybe." " everyone is treating me like i'm in a bad lifetime movie." " but you can be the one with kristen stewart." " kristen was date raped." " you guys know i would never try to hurt myself, right?" " we know, j." " right?" " i'm hitting shuffle on this subject." " hamlet is one of the most powerful and influential pieces of literature in the english language." "the famous expression, "to be or not to be?"" "what do you think hamlet is saying there?" "anybody?" "yes!" "You in the back!" " i'm not raising my hand." " okay." "[Bell rings]" " can you take the sign off my forehead that says, "fragile"?" " it's not on your forehead." "it's around your neck." "it's a little big, but maybe you'll grow into it." "[chuckles] scratch that." "we said the same thing about your nipples." " [laughs] ow!" "just go ahead." "i'm gonna wait out the herd." " okay, the short bus is leaving." " [sniffs]" " it was the first time we'd seen each other since my deflowering." "and i'd almost forgotten how jacked i looked." " [mouthing silently] are you okay?" " it was a complicated question." " jenna hamilton, please report to the office." "jenna, so nice to meet you." "so i know mr." "Michaels was your guidance counselor last year, but considering your recent-  accident." " yes." "considering your recent accident, mr." "Michaels thought we might be a better fit." "you know, girl on girl." "i mean, girl to girl." " okay." " your mom gave me a copy of the letter that you got." "it wasn't very nice." " confrontations never are." " that's a nifty turn of phrase." " nifty to say." "Not so nifty to get." " so, jenna, tell me, how did it make you feel when you read the letter?" " crappy." "but you should know i didn't-- i didn't try to kill myself." "i mean, i have a seriously low threshold for pain." " i'm not suggesting that you did anything." "no, not at all." "but just for fun, would you mind if i looked through your bag?" "i want to make sure we don't have any more "accidents."" "give it here." "basically i'm here to ensure that you have a happy and successful...year." "you weren't planning to ingest these, were you?" " actually, i was." "they're breath mints." " so they are." "you know what, jenna?" "i got to tell you something." "when i was your age, i had troubles too." "ugh!" "Talk about disasters." "[scoffs] who am i kidding?" "i'm still a mess." "so hot." "but you know what?" "that's what gives me a unique perspective to make strong connections with students like yourself." "ooh!" "Urban decay!" "fancy." "do you have any questions at all?" " i had about a thousand, but not one of them was appropriate." "i think you've covered just about everything." " okay." " my bag." " Oh." " yeah." " That is yours." " thank you." "[cell phone rings] [keypad tones] [cell phone rings] [keypad tones]" "[can clinks]" " recycle, douchebag!" " * his house is of a different color * * but that does not make him you *" " what is the fascination with me?" " you had a dance with death." "like a bad car crash on the side of the road, everyone wants a peek." " well, the next person who stares is gonna get the evil eye." " an evil eye in your condition is not gonna translate." "ooh!" "Flash your [bleep]!" " yeah, help me get my panties off and we're all set." " all right, hey, hey!" "attention, palos hills high!" "who's ready to rally?" " oh, perfect timing." "my school spirit's at an all-time high." " come on, we've got a really big football game today and there is no better way to get pumped up than with the wheel of..." "Pep!" "we need two guys and two girls." "do i see sadie saxton raising her hand?" "oh, yeah, that's classy, sadie." " looks like sadie's six-ton might be hitting seven tons." " maybe she eats to fill a void." " the only void she has is in personality." "she's a prima bitcharina who buys her popularity." "how does a girl who can't even jump 2 feet in the air get on a pep squad?" " sorry." " i never appreciated sadie's bitchiness, but i understood it." "she was hungry." " mckibben, you're not getting out of this." " oh, come on, man." " we don't have to watch this." " I'm fine." "i wasn't." "despite all my external wounds, my heart was probably gonna take the longest to heal, and i was tired of the pain." " you wanna play?" " Yeah." " all right, get up." "all right, so that-- we need one more girl then." "come on, guys." "One more girl." "one more... girl." " your meds are malfunctioning." " if everyone's gonna stare, i might as well go onstage." " yeah, okay, we have a taker." "come on down." " i know what i'm doing." "confession:" "i had no idea what i was doing." "but i couldn't look back..." "At all." " personal space." "Ever heard of it?" " hey, it's "jenna," right?" "okay, jenna, spin that wheel." "[cheers and applause] all right!" "come on, guys, we got to get pumped." "we got a big game tonight against the warriors." "let's go." "show that football team your support." "okay, "sex exchange" is the name of the game." "here's how it's played." "our contestants will now pair up into teams of two." "they will then go behind individual partitions and change into each other's clothes." "the team that gets dressed first will win!" "[cheers and applause]" " should we even bother?" " hell yeah!" "we're in it to win it!" "Whoo!" " aww." " All right, guys." "ready, set, go!" "[cheering]" "hurry!" "Hurry!" "all right, guys, come on!" "Keep it going!" " come on!" "We're gonna win it!" " come on, let's hear it." "Let's hear it." "let them hear you." "All right." "um, come on, come on." "oh, all right." "Hey, it's down to the girls now." "girls: go, sadie!" "Go, sadie!" "Go, sadie!" "[cheering]" " whoo!" "Yeah!" "Come on, titans!" "[cheers and applause] um, okay, yeah, we have our winners!" " jenna!" "Jenna!" "Jenna!" "Jenna!" "all: jenna!" "Jenna!" "Jenna!" "Jenna!" "Jenna!" "jenna!" "Jenna!" "Jenna!" "Jenna!" "Jenna!" " hamilton, you're an animal." "[growls]" " and you brought a whole new meaning to" ""gettin' in a guy's pants."" "i wonder if i can make a shirt out of pants like that." " [gasps] you totally can." "we could make some serious money." "we'll call the line "jenna by jenna."" " what happened to sadie?" " she couldn't fit into matty's clothes." " no." " it was karmic intervention." " i've never been so humiliated." "i hate that freak." " it was a stupid pep rally." " Already forgotten." " yeah." " Are you okay?" " no, i'm not okay." "you picked that game on purpose." " cruel much?" " i just spun the wheel of pep." "it could have landed on anything." " oh, lame cop out." " okay, well, for whatever... i'm sorry." " please." "i don't need someone like you to feel sorry for me." "it's not like i'm gonna kill myself over it." "[laughter]" " it's true when they say that no good deed goes unpunished." " oh, hey." " hi." " i, um-  matty!" "[Snaps fingers]" " yeah." "gotta go." " hey." "don't let her get to you." "sadie loves to play the victim." "you, on the other hand, you have some serious backbone." " which is about the only thing not broken on me." " no, you were-- you were brave." " babe." "gonna grab fro-yo?" " yeah, just give me a minute, liz." " the bell's gonna ring soon." " then just go without me." " [scoffs]" " so impatient." " girls." " listen, uh, you should stay out of trouble, jenna." "want to see you around." " i will." "uh, you will." "sort of hard to miss." " okay." "[cell phone rings] [keypad beeps]" " hey, t." " Okay." "so ricky schwartz just called me and he wanted to know if he could give you a sponge bath." " creepy." " with his tongue." " [laughs] awesome." " this year's gonna rule." "ta-ta!" "[Keypad beeps]" " things were looking up." "besides my arm." "[moth's wings by passion pit]" "*" " * dear friend, as you know * * your flowers are withering * your mother's gone insane * your leaves have drifted away * * but the clouds aren't leering up * * and i've come reveling" " "being 'that girl' was my new identity," ""but i won't let it define me." "i will define it."" " * you're drifting like a fire * * buried deep under the water"