"Now batting..." "Number 9, Danny Gannon." "Come on, Danny." "You got this." "You got this." "Dead ball." "Hit batter." "Take your base." "Okay, buddy, hey, let's, um, let's, uh, let's wipe the smile off your face, okay?" "Let's not be smiling after that." "All right, back to work." "Sweetie, are you okay?" "It really hurts." "Hey, hey, hey." "Don't rub it." "Don't rub it." "Don't rub it." "If you rub it, people will think you're hurt." " Dad, it does hurt." " Hey, listen." "Oh, no." "Don't do this, please." " Do not cry." " It is okay to cry." "No." "Gannons, we inflict pain, and then we laugh." "What?" "!" "What are you, a monster?" "Do me a favor." "Take a little break, will ya?" "Please?" "Listen to me, Danny." "Just fight through it." "Pain is temporary." "Crying hurts you the rest of your life." "Now, when I walk away, spit." "So, somebody has a big birthday coming up, huh?" "The big 1-1." "So, I was thinking, uh, invite a few friends over." "You know, we can hang out, watch a movie, maybe do a little face-painting." "Face-painting?" "You know that I'm a boy, right?" " Well, after today, the jury's still out." " Shut it!" "All right, well, we could do something else." " How about a cupcake station?" " How about a paintball party?" "Sorry, bud." "You know, I looked into it, and it's just a little... 100% out of our price range." "But we could rent a movie, have some pizza, and hang out with some friends." "Look, mom, I've been to four birthday parties." "Three went go-karting, one went to laser tag." "I can't just have my friends over for a movie and a pizza." "I'm still gonna stop by the Redbox at the market just in case." "The poor kid." "I mean, even though he's a crybaby, he deserves a better party than that." "Why don't you just get one of them germ-infested bounce houses where you get concussions, you know?" "That's even better than what you got planned." "Step it up, will you?" "Huh?" "Step it up." "♪ I'm back" "Season 1, Episode 8 "No Crying in Baseball"" "What's a fake noodle called?" " What?" " An im-pasta." " That's... that's good." " You get it?" "It's... it's a pretty good pun." "Let me know if you guys need anything else." "Thanks, Chelle." "Hey, so, we are gonna have people over for Danny's birthday." "We're gonna have pizza." "We're gonna have video games." "We're gonna have face-painting." "No, we killed that." "That's not something we're doing." "Right." "Because you hate way-cool face-painting." "Let it go." "Anyway, it's this Saturday, and I know that's really late notice, but please tell me you guys are free." "What, no?" "This Saturday?" "We can't." "It's Michael's party." " It's your birthday, too?" " Yeah." " "Dancing with the Birthday Stars."" " No way." "Did you not get the invitation?" "Weird." "Must have gotten lost." "Look, it's okay if you guys can't make it." "Um, it's not like we're having a real party, anyway." "Or... brilliant idea from Lulu..." "Um, why don't we combine parties?" "And now that I say it, more obvious than brilliant, but..." "Well, that would be awesome!" "Mom, can we?" "Oh, I don't..." "I don't know." "We don't want to jump on your thing." "Oh, Terry, come on." "It's me." "Jump on my thing." "This is going to be huge." "My mom does everything big." "Makes everything big." "Uh, honestly, we were gonna go small." " I'm on a really tight budget." " Oh, Terry, don't be so silly." "I've got contacts all over town..." "Get us a great price." "And we'll do it together." "It'll be fun." "Danny, what kind of party would you like?" "You can have absolutely anything you want." " Paintball." " Paintball?" "!" "Paintball?" " Danny, anything you want." " Yeah, paintball." "Oh, come on, mom." "It's gonna be so much fun." "Okay." " Dancing and violence it is." " Yes!" "It's so "West Side story." I'm loving it." "Okay!" "And how much are the balloons shaped like army tanks?" "Only $50?" "Great." "We'll take 10 of those." "Or one." "We'll take one sad, lonely balloon shaped like an army tank." "And a bubble machine." "Great." "Thank you, Mr. Balloon Man." "I can't believe we are actually planning a party together." "Oh, I know." "It's an exciting twist in our friendship." "Yeah, it's like we're in The Parent Trap and we just found out we're twins." "Oh, yes." "A couple of Lohans, we are." "You know, those two were great." "They really should work more." "Hey, what's going on?" "I'm hearing a lot of clicks over there." "Oh, I'm just on the paintballing website getting a few last-minute essentials." "You've got the laser scope and the utility belt and..." " Just "select all."" " Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa. "Select all."" "That feels like a bit much." "Yeah, kids don't need all that." "Well, at least Danny doesn't." "Oh, well, my Michael does need all that." "He's accustomed to a certain level of going big." "Danny, I think, feels more comfortable being..." "Less accessorized." "So, you know, maybe we just do the utility belts, and then before going big, we just talk to each other." "Fine." "Fine." "Just get the belts..." "And they'll look great." "Wow." "Splitting the cost has actually made this whole thing doable." " What's our grand total?" " $4,000." " I owe you 2 grand?" " Yes!" "Cheap as chips!" "You know, we should plan all our parties together." "Hey, look." "I got you a... an early birthday present just to make up for whatever lame thing your mother gets you." "And... here it is." " A sock." " Don't be a wise guy." "It is not a sock." "It is a redemption sock." "There's a cue ball in the toe of this thing." "So one quick little move..." "Forehand or backhand..." "The Gannons are not the ones crying anymore." " We're back." " And I'm in Juvie." "Why is this such a big deal?" "Did I seriously disappoint you?" "You're my grandson..." "My only grandson..." "And I care for you more than anything else in the whole world." "So, uh, yeah." "You're a mess." "What, did you sleep in your pizza clothes?" "Yes." "Yes, I did, actually." "I worked a double shift last night, and I'm working another one today." "Mom, I know why you're doing this, and I really appreciate it." "Don't worry about it, buddy." "I'm happy to." "Oh, no." "No, no, no." "No redemption sock!" "This has spaghetti sauce." "That's the same one from when I was a kid!" "That's wrong." "That is not spaghetti sauce." "Danny is fine." "There will be no braining of kids with the redemption sock." "Look, we had an embarrassing moment in public." "We are not fine until we get this whole thing balanced out." "No one cares, dad." "Let it go." "Danny, get your stuff." "You're gonna be late for school." "Redemption sock II is in your lunch bag, and the sequel is just as good as the original." "Go get 'em, buddy." "Go." "Hey." "Vzzt!" "Vzzt!" ""Timber!"" "O.M.G.!" "The RSVPS are rolling in!" "This is the most kids I've ever had a party." " I'm so jazzed." " Heh-hey!" "How's the arm, wuss boy?" "I hear you're having paintball party?" "Yeah." "Yeah, we are." "And guess what..." " You're not invited." " Guess what, Danny." "Anyone can show up to a paintball range and ruin the whole party by shooting the birthday boys until they cry." " There's also going to be dancing." " Not the time, Michael." "I can't believe that you ditched me to join this entire team of losers!" " What's your problem?" " A mild case of ADHD." "We're dead." "What?" "Hup." "Eight." "Hup." " Change of plans, everyone." " Hold on." "Party is canceled, all right?" "David and the Pirates..." "They're gonna come, and they're gonna kick our butts in paintball, all right?" "Emphasis on my butt." "So, wait a minute." "You're just gonna run away and hide?" "Yeah." "That seems like the "I want to make it to 12" thing to do." "No, see, we can just turn this whole thing around." "We can get rid of that crying nonsense, right?" "I mean, this is your cue-ball-in-a-sock moment." " I just want to have a normal birthday." " You will." "I can teach you the basics of infantry training, but you got to listen." "Now, these Pirates over there..." "They will show you no mercy." "They think you're all a bunch of wusses anyway." "We'll use that." "We will make their hubris be their downfall, see?" "What's a hubris?" "You'll be the first two to go." "Yay!" "First!" "Hey, uh, where's Dong?" "If you have to ask about Dong, then you're already dead." "I just got a chill." "Let's do this!" "Yeah!" "Okay, then, let's go." "Down." "Up." "Down." "Up." "Dong, not down and down." "Down and up." "No, no." "Those are not shillelaghs." "This is not a Scottish dance." "Strike with it!" "Crawling, crawling." "Crawling!" "Roll!" "Good." "Push it!" "All right, crawl." "Crawl." "Faster!" "Faster!" "You want to quit, Dong?" "!" "You want this?" "!" "I have no place left to go, Mr. The Cannon." "Hey, slim." "What are you doing in my chair?" "You're spoiling my perfect ass form." "There's not gonna be a paintball party." " What do you mean, no party?" " Couldn't come up with the money." "I got the kids battle-ready." "I mean, what are you talking about?" " I-I-I trained them how to kill today." " I feel horrible." "I am a complete failure as a parent." "Uh, no argument there." "W-what kind of money we talking about?" "Uh, like, uh, ransom money, like, for Alec Baldwin or for Stephen Baldwin?" "I need $2,000, and I have $684." "Oh." "And 73 cents." "People suck at tipping." "So, $1,315.27, right?" " That's impressive." " Wait right there." "___" "This ought to cover it." "Where did you get that?" "Well, sometimes I bury cash in the yard..." " So I know where it is." " Dad..." " Thank you." "I-I-I'll pay you back." " No, no, no." "This is not a loan." "I think Danny should have a real nice birthday party, you know, with his friends..." "Just like the kind I used to give you." "The closest you ever came to celebrating my birthday was telling me "Happy Birthday"" "nine months from my actual birthday." "It was a surprise." "Anyway, uh, he's a good kid." "And, by the way, a very Happy Birthday to you." " Six months away." " Six?" "We're getting closer." "If you insist on having ice sculptures, then you will need a refrigerated table." " Oh, I absolutely insist, lieutenant." " Oh." "What's all this?" "Oh, we got party plans on top of party plans." "Oh, we're just going over some last-minute details for the party, Terry." "Please continue, lieutenant Otis." " Talk about the pyrotechnic show." " Thank you, corporal." "Luckily for you, Lulu upgraded your party to the shock-and-awe package." " It'll melt your face off." " Bang!" "Oh." "No." "No." "No shock." "No awe." "And no face-melting." "You know what..." "Why don't you guys figure out what you want to do, and... and then give me a call?" " I got some stuff to do, so..." " Um, Lulu, what, uh..." "What are you doing here?" "Well, I just added a few extras, darling, and I've only done it because the party was starting to feel a little... sad." "Oh." "Well, we agreed to keep it sad." "I mean... simple." "Okay, this isn't prison camp for kids, Terry." "It's a party." "It needs to be special." "Cupcakes are special..." "To an 11-year-old." "That's because they haven't tried foie gras." "Listen, stop worrying about it, Terry." "It'll give you wrinkles." "It's on me." "I understand..." "You're working within a... budget." "Yeah, but that's not the point." "We agreed to be partners, you know?" "W-we... you're supposed to run all this stuff by me." " I just did." " Oh." "Lulu." "Wow." "You're being really thoughtless." "We agreed to talk before going big." "I killed myself to make this money." "My dad even chipped in." "And now you're just throwing your money in my face." "Like, how is this gonna look to Danny?" "That you're an awesome mother and not some woman who works in a pizza place and can't throw a party." "Listen, Terry, you're really good at some things, like..." "Ponytails..." "And wearing shorts." "Spitting... you're great at that." "I-I plan parties." "And frankly, working with you, it's been very limiting for me." "Oh." "Well, I don't think this is working out." "So I think it would be best if we had..." "Well, we should have separate parties!" " I said it first!" "I dumped you!" " No!" "That is exactly what I was gonna say, but you always talk first!" "Terry, please, just get out of my gorgeous house!" "Oh, who does a-a white rug with... with... white walls?" "!" "It's like... it's like super-cheesy heaven!" "It's taste, Terry!" "Taste!" "Breathe through it, darling." "Hey." "Your party's starting to creep over to my side again." "Oh!" "Oh, I'm so sorry, Terry." "I didn't realize that that sad little table was a party." " Class." " Out the arse, darling." "Listen, guys, what we got here today is an opportunity for greatness." "Now, we've been training real hard for a whole day." "You guys were born for..." "Well, you know, maybe not this, but..." "Well, obviously not baseball, but..." "You were born." "If we have to fight those guys, we're gonna need a better pep talk." "Hey, here they are." "Come on." "Game faces, guys." "Dudley, not "I got to poop" face... game face." "Hey, Cannon." "What are you and the Angles doing here?" " You really don't know?" " I don't know." "David's here playing paintball." "I just came here to pay for it." "Whoa!" "Look at this, man!" " These things are awesome." " Be careful." "It's loaded." "Oh, okay, Cannon." "You think I don't know my way around..." "Poof!" "That did not sting." " Dad!" "I need your credit card!" " Okay." " Let it out, Nancy." " Let what out..." "Nancy?" "Pardon me." "Okay, everybody, listen." "As a special "Dancing with the Stars" surprise," "Maria and Juan here are going to teach us all how to merengue." "Pizza's here!" " Pizza time!" " Whoo!" "Pizza!" "Looks like prison-camp food is owning merengue dancers." "Yes." "Clearly." "You win." "You beat me." "The Revolutionary War all over again." "Why did you come here?" "You have money." "You could have moved your party anywhere in town..." "Like a dance studio or a dance boat..." "Or a dance island." "Yes, I-I could have, but honestly," "I kept the party here because this is where the kids are." "Every year, no matter how many children we've invited, my Michael is the only one under 40 who's actually there, Terry." " Yeah." " Lulu." "Listen, I really didn't mean to belittle you with my money, Terry." "I, um..." "I just wanted the boys' party to be extra-special." "But I get it." "It doesn't matter to Michael how much fuss I make." "He just... just wants his friends there." "And I acted like a complete jerk because of my lack of money." "I see now a kid needs a real birthday sometimes." "Danny's just gone without for so long," "I just assumed he'd be okay with something small." "I'm sorry, Lulu." "So am I." "Did we just have our first fight?" "Oh!" "Oh, my gosh." "Yes, I think we did." "And there's not a scratch on either of us." "I think that means we're real friends." "I'd say we're besties." "I'd say you better give me a hug, richie bitch." "Bring it in!" "Angles!" "Let's take care of business out there, all right?" "Remember..." "Ammo discipline, okay?" "Let's go!" "Get the Angles!" "Get the Angles!" "I can see you!" "I see you!" "Mano a mano!" "I'm coming for you!" "Get the Angles!" "Get the Angles!" "Get the Angles!" "Go!" "I see you, Pirate." "You can't hide." " Come out wherever you are." " Hey, Angle!" "Dang it!" "Hey, Pirates!" "Check out these moves!" "Angles!" "Angles!" "One, two, three!" "Cover me, everyone!" " Die, tubby!" " Ow!" "They got me!" "Dudley is down!" "We're coming for you, Dudley!" "Hit the ground, Angel!" " Dudley, help me roll you over." " Wait... what?" "!" " I'm not a human shield!" " Where are they?" "Are you blind?" "!" "They're everywhere!" "I told you!" "What the heck's the matter with you guys?" "I mean, I taught you everything I know." "You're all dead." "You know, if this was real war, you'd all be speaking German." "Gesundheit." "It's crazy out there, man." "They're storming our headquarters." "The gingers have gone rogue." "I saw them shooting at an ice-cream truck." " Cannon." "Danny's hurt." " Where is he?" "Hey." "Kid." "You all right?" "I lost my gun, and I twisted my ankle." " I can't walk." " I hear you crying, Gannon." "I'm gonna put you out of your misery!" "Cannon, I'm not as tough as you." "Okay?" "That's all there is to it." "I'm sorry I disappointed you." "The hell with anything I ever said, okay?" "You're my favorite kid in the whole world." "And you're always with me, okay?" "Thanks, Cannon." " Look, one more thing." " What?" "How close are they?" "You playing possum?" "I'm using their hubris." "I get it..." "Your redemption sock, right?" "Okay, listen, there's two to your left and two to your right, a stone's throw away." "All right?" "Go give 'em hell, buddy." "Happy Birthday to me!" " You all right?" " Yeah." "Good game." "That's a hell of a kid." "That's what you're gonna get trying to be a tough guy all the time, David." "Come here." "I'm sorry." "Let's go home." "It's okay." "It'll be okay, son." "Back to work." "No touching a cupcake until I say so." "Now, which brave soldier deserves a cupcake?" "I do!" "I do!" " I can't hear you!" " Me!" "I do!" "I do!" "Me!" " Off you go." " Yeah!" "Whoo!" "This is so fun." "All of the kids told me this was the best party ever." "Thanks, mom." "Yeah, I really appreciate it." "Come on, Danny." " Ahh." "Well, that made it all worth it." " It is incredible." "Oh, boys!" "Please, don't forget your party favors!" "Lulu, what did you do?" "Oh, just some truffles, face cream, and some sterling-silver dog tags." "They can go back." "No, no, no." "No." "Let them have them." "But you're not getting a dime out of me." "Cheap."