"[Music playing]" "[Bugle call]" "MALE SPEAKER:" "It's morning." "Hit the deck." "Get those lazy bones out of bed." "[Phone ringing]" "Hello?" "Oh, hello, Mother." "I was just getting up." "I have to get ready for work, Mother." "No, I haven't asked her yet." "Yes, I'm going to ask her." "I just haven't gotten around to it yet." "But I'm tired of the rejection." "I would rather not even bother." "All right, Mother." "I understand." "Accentuate the positive." "I'll remember that." "I'll ask her today." "I'll do my best." "I love you too." "Goodbye, Mother." "Accentuate the positive." "[Chuckling]" "[Cartoon voices on TV]" "[Music playing]" "Accentuate the positive." "Excuse me." "Sorry about that." "What you got that umbrella for, boy." "Are you addressing me?" "This boy is all ready for the rain, man." "What you reading, boy?" "I said, what you reading, boy?" "A book." "A book." "A book?" "Man, you better find yourself a book" "That shows you how to shave." "Hey, check out this tie." "This boy is sharp." "I'll bet you he's a real ladies' man." "You a real ladies' man, boy?" "Yeah, a ladies' man." "Yeah, really." "Sure you are, boy." "The last time you had trim was when" "Your momma gave you a haircut." "He ain't had pussy since pussy had him." "Leave me alone!" "Don't get smart, nerd." "What?" "You want your ass kicked, nerd?" "Don't miss your kindergarten bus, sissy boy." "Yeah, dry those tears, little girl." "[Coughing]" "Oh, hi, Harry." "Good morning, Sally." "Do you want anything, Harry?" "Uh, no." "Well, you know, Harold, we've got a little time before we" "Start the old 9:00 to 5:00." "So we might as well shoot the bull for a while." "Shoot the bull?" "Yeah, shoot the bull." "BS, chat, converse." "Yeah." "So, uh, what's new?" "Nothing much." "You don't drink coffee, do you?" "No." "It gives me gas." "I think I got stomach problems." "Mm." "That's interesting." "So, uh, did you get into any trouble this weekend?" "Trouble?" "No, I try to stay out of trouble." "No, I didn't mean bad trouble." "I mean, did you do anything?" "Like, did you go anywhere?" "Yes." "I went to a comic book convention." "Comic books, huh?" "That's sort of neat." "Uh, yes." "I even won the door prize." "I won the key issue of "The Amazing Mert Thing."" "It's quite valuable, you know." "Oh, boy." "I bet it is." "[Chuckling]" "Still reading them comical books, eh, Harold?" "Let's see." "You're in your 20s, right?" "Yeah." "Well, take hard, little fella." "Maybe you'll discover girls by the time you're in your 50s." "Of course, by then you'll be too old to get it up." "Hardy-har-har." "All right, Jeff." "You've had your morning chortle." "Now leave him alone." "Aw, babe, how come you've got to put up for a 1,000-time" "Loser like Kunkle, especially when you get to spend your days" "In the presence of me?" "Now we've just got to work on your nights." "I'm a hunka-hunka burnin' love, baby." "Come on, give it up, doll." "Quit it, you nut." "Come on, woman." "I know you're crazy about me." "Stop it, or I'll have you fired for sexual harassment." "Oh, yeah?" "Then I'll just tell everyone that you raped me." "Tell it to Judge Wapner, baby." "SALLY:" "Stop it!" "I told you before, you zany, I don't like to get romantically" "Involved with coworkers." "It only leads to major problems." "OK, hon." "I'll wait." "But I'm a stubborn guy, and you better watch out." "I just might pop some Spanish fly into your morning java." "You better not." "Now, get out of here before the boss gets in." "Tell old baldy to go polish his head." "I'm heading straight for the coffee machine." "But first, I've got to scratch my dick." "[Chuckling]" "Private showings available upon request." "That doesn't mean you, Kunkle." "By the way, if you happen to see Batman," "Tell him to ditch Robin." "It doesn't look too good for an old man" "To run about in kinky costumes with a little boy." "Ta-ta, all." "What a character." "What are we going to do with that guy?" "I have a suggestion." "Why don't we just discombobulate him?" "Now Harold, part of it's your own fault." "If you stood up to him once in a while," "Maybe then he'd leave you alone." "Stop using words like discombobulate." "It's no wonder people think you're a ne..." "Go ahead." "Say it." "What I meant was, it's no wonder people think you..." "It's no wonder people think I'm a nerd." "That's what you meant to say." "Oh no, Harold." "Please." "Do you think that I don't know what I am?" "I'm a nerd." "I'm different." "People perceive me as different." "I hate myself." "Oh, Harold." "You can't think like that." "You've got to accentuate the positive." "I know." "Accentuate the positive." "But there's not one iota of positivity to accentuate." "Well, you can't just give up." "Don't let the downers in life get the best of you." "Nobody's perfect." "You're a sweet guy, and you've got brains." "That's what's really important." "So you can't sit around and wait for the good things" "To happen to you." "You've got to make them happen." "So I've got to learn to go for it." "That's right." "Go for it." "You're on the right track." "Just loosen up." "So, what are you doing this weekend?" "Huh?" "Well, my church is having a picnic this weekend." "Mother and I are going, and we thought that you'd like" "To join us for all the fun." "So how about it?" "Church picnic, huh?" "That's interesting." "Church picnic." "Oh, that's probably on Sunday." "Oh, darn the luck." "I have to go out of town on Sunday morning." "Well, that's all right." "The picnic's on Saturday." "Saturday?" "Oh." "Oh, jeepers, can you believe it?" "Oh, I was wrong about having to go out of town on Sunday." "I have to leave on Saturday." "Oh, maybe some other time, huh, Harold?" "What... oh, it's almost time for the boss to come in." "Better get some coffee while I can." "I'll see you in a bit." "Yeah, see you in a bit." "HAROLD (VOICE OVER):" "Oh, woe is me." "Sadness hangs heavy in my breast and bitter tears sting my eyes." "I have found a name for my grief and it is love." "Am I never to know the softness of her lips," "The fullness of her breast, the hidden wonder" "Of her pulsating femininity?" "It cannot be." "I must triumph over adversity." "Fear not, my one true love." "I will liberate you from the clutches" "Of your unfit, would-be suitor." "You can be mine." "You will be mine." "[Growling on TV]" "NARRATOR (ON TV):" "The Friday night fright flick" "Will continue with "Tibor, the Creature that Lived,"" "Right after this message from our sponsor." "Hey, you." "Yeah, you, the lonely guy sitting" "Out there all by himself." "You know, why are you wasting your time watching" "Another meaningless, late-night movie when you could be" "Out bird-dogging some chicks?" "All it takes is just a little cool." "Hi." "I'm Slick Dick, and this is my School of Cool." "You know, if you're like me..." "And I know you want to be... all" "You have to do is hang out and get" "Luscious babes just like this." "Hi, Dick." "Hi, babes." "You know, all you really have to do is pay attention" "To the next 30 seconds when I'm going to tell you" "How to get the three greatest steps of cool" "That you ever heard." "Cassette number one features How to Look Cool." "Go from geek to "GQ" in a matter of minutes." "This tape gives you the inside scoop" "On all the radical threads and happening dudes" "Of today's beat generation." "So now you know how to look cool." "But how do you act?" "That's where cassette number two comes in..." "How to Act Cool." "This volume features a section on body language," "Covering cool ways to walk and pose." "Also included are hip finger gestures" "Which are guaranteed to freeze." "All right, guy." "You're looking cool." "You're acting cool." "What's left?" "Babes." "Tape number three, How to Pick Up Girls," "Is like a loaded 44 in a liquor store." "After using the methods described on this tape... which" "Have been kept secret for years..." "I guarantee you will pick up every babe" "In the tri-state area." "You can take it from me, Slick Dick." "You know all those girlie pictures on your wall." "Well, imagine spending an entire evening" "With quality babes like those." "Impossible?" "No!" "Possible." "But only if you order my tapes." "Slick Dick's School of Cool will make" "You the man you want to be." "Slick Dick's School of Cool audio cassettes..." "How to Look Cool, How to Act Cool," "How to Pick Up Girls, Girls, Girls." "Packaged set only 79.95 plus $3 postage and handling." "Or call 1-800-BEE-COOL." "What have you got to lose, guy?" "NARRATOR (ON TV):" "We now return to "Tibor"," "The Creature that Lived."" "Name, return address, city, state, ZIP code." "Name, street address, city, state, ZIP code," "And three stamps to make sure." "It's all there." "Slick Dick, do your stuff." "She said no, Mother." "Oh, Harold, are you certain you asked in the proper manner?" "Yes, Mother." "I was very polite." "Yes, I'm sure you were." "But were you spirited, Harold?" "You have to make the young lady realize" "That it would be her pleasure to go out with you?" "How did you ask her?" "I just asked her, Mother, OK?" "She declined the offer." "I would rather not discuss the matter." "My." "Aren't we testy today?" "Well, you'll never get anywhere with that attitude." "Well, let's just drop the subject, shall we?" "Hm." "What was that, Mother?" "Oh, nothing, nothing." "Just thinking out loud." "Eat your pie, Harold." "Harold, you shouldn't try to eat so much at once." "You're going to upset your digestion." "You might even choke." "Mother, how am I going to choke on pie?" "Well, it's possible." "After all, Mama Cass choked to death on a ham sandwich." "Yes, Mother." "Oh, Harold, here I go again with the nagging, right?" "I'm sorry." "It's just that I worry about you." "I know, Mother." "You're not tied to my apron strings anymore." "You're not a little boy, are you?" "You're out on your own in the world." "I have to admit, though, that I miss having you" "Around all the time, especially since your step-father passed" "On." "Oh!" "Look what I found yesterday." "This was at the bottom of that old roll-top desk." "I haven't seen this picture in years." "Isn't he handsome?" "This picture has to be at least 15 years old." "Can you ever forget those dark, snappy eyes?" "No, never." "He wasn't always the easiest person" "In the world to live with." "But he was a good provider." "That man certainly loved to hunt." "Cancer is a terrible thing." "Such a painful death." "But at least he didn't die alone." "I was with him his last final moments, thank the lord." "I know the two of you didn't exactly hit it off," "But you seemed to be getting along" "Famously there at the end." "Well, no use living in the past, is there?" "We all have to get on with things." "Wouldn't you know it?" "Cold as can be." "Well, that's what I get for waxing nostalgic." "Well, there's more where that came from." "Would you like another cup, honey?" "No, Mother." "I should probably be going." "My mornings start quite early." "But you didn't even finish your pie." "Are you sure?" "Yes." "Are you feeling all right?" "You look a little piqued." "You know, Missy Ross just came down" "With the worst case of the flu." "Maybe you should Dr. Doctor Schulz." "Or I know." "You have to see Dr. Young about a refill" "For your nerve medicine." "Maybe he could check you out." "Lord knows we pay that psychiatrist enough." "No." "No." "I'm fine." "I'm just tired." "That's all." "Hey Kunkle, is that a Vienna sausage in your pocket," "Or are you just glad to see me?" "Oh, don't strain your vision, Hawkeye." "I doubt if they make glasses any thicker than those pop bottle" "Bottoms that you're wearing." "Ciao, baby." "[Chuckling]" "HAROLD (VOICEOVER):" "Wow." "Like, I am digging your scene, daddy-o." "Can you feel it?" "Yeah." "Chillin'." "I'm hip to it, baby." "This is the face that broke 1,000 hearts..." "loved" "By all, but lover of none." "So get off of my cloud." "I know you want it." "They all do, sooner or later." "But you're gonna have to wait." "And you might as well get used to the line," "Because I've got love for sale at discount prices." "You lookin' at me?" "You were really hot tonight, Daphne." "You little vixen." "You just can't get enough, can you?" "But that's OK with me." "I'm the man for the job." "Did I tell you how beautiful you look tonight?" "So, was it good for you too?" "Oh, boy!" "It's here, it's here!" "I've got it." "Slick Dick's tapes." "I'm gonna be cool." "I'm gonna be cool." "Cool!" "I'm gonna be cool!" "I'm gonna be cool!" "SLICK DICK (ON TAPE):" "All right, guy, let's work on that stance." "You know, it's the first thing a girl" "Checks out when she's figuring out your coolness quotient." "So listen up, back against the wall, leg" "Up, put that arm down, stick that chest out." "That's it, bud." "You're lookin' real cool." "That's it, guy." "You've got it now." "Right, left, right..." "Just keep putting" "One foot in front of the other." "You'll be turning every head on the block." "There are three simple steps to follow when creating Slick" "Dick's gaze that will daze." "Number one, fix your eyes in a smoldering trance-like stare." "Don't be looking back and forth at every skirt they passes by." "A little saying to help you remember this step" "Is, cool is what they call steady eyeballs, get it?" "Now step two, flare your nostrils as babes approach." "This lets them know that you're ready to charge" "Like a raging bull at any moment." "That's it, baby." "You're full of testosterone." "It's definitely hot." "Finally, the final step." "As I always say, it's definitely hip to jut your lip." "So stick it out." "Look cool." "Now guy, let's put it all together on three." "Eyes, one." "Nose, two." "Lips, three." "Hey, you've got it." "You're red hot, baby." "Feeling pretty cool, huh, guy?" "Great." "Give yourself a big pat on the back." "You're coming along just fine." "Let's zip right along to working on those hands." "It's that age old question, what to do with my hands" "When I'm trying to be cool." "Well, Slick Dick's going to give you" "The scoop that'll have your digits dancing" "And your pants a-prancing." "OK, you want a chick to know you're checking her out." "Give her Slick Dick's patented freeze." "This little hand move will have you sitting pretty" "In babe heaven in no time." "Start with both hands planted firmly in pockets." "No pocket pull now, fella." "Just kidding." "Place your hands in belt loops." "As the babe approaches, extract both hands," "Bringing them to chest level in a circular motion." "After they complete a full circle," "Clap hands and point gun-style at girl with one hand" "While sexily running other hand through your hair." "It's a hot move, bud." "Use it sparingly." "And now for the makeover." "Can I help you?" "Yes." "Today is the first day of the rest of my life." "Life has given me lemons, and I'm gonna make lemonade." "I got a tiger by the tail, and he's mean." "I got a stiff upper lip and a tight ass." "Uh-huh." "But what can I do for you?" "I'm Harold Kunkle." "I've got an appointment for a makeover." "Haircut, tan, the works." "OK." "Step this way." "Ooh, that sure feels good." "You like that, huh?" "Oh, yes." "Well, your hair's in pretty good shape." "Most men have dried-out hair." "But your hair is nice and moist." "Yeah." "Nice and moist." "How often do you wash your hair?" "At least once a week." "Once a week?" "Yes, at least." "That often, huh?" "So, what can I do for you today?" "I want a rad do." "OK, your quarter." "[Music playing]" "What do you call this?" "Well, it's a combination of things." "We have the sides going back, a DA" "Going back in the back, the crown on top, the part over" "To the side on top." "Looks real good on you." "But will the ladies like it?" "Will the ladies like it?" "Pal, when the ladies see this, they'll be" "Dropping dead in the streets." "Mission accomplished." "[Hip-hop music playing]" "Uh, excuse me, miss." "Yeah?" "Hey, baby." "I want to scam some of your goods." "What?" "What are you trying to say?" "Will you speak English?" "Uh, well..." "Do you have a problem?" "Don't mess with me, you weirdo." "Stay the hell away from me." "I swear to god, I'll call a cop." "I would just like to buy some flowers." "I'm sorry." "Well, why didn't you just say so?" "I'm sorry." "You know, there's a lot of creeps around." "I'm sorry." "What do you want?" "Those are fine." "OK." "That'll be $8." "Sounds reasonable." "Five, and six, and seven, and eight." "$8." "Oh, I'm sorry." "You got the more expensive ones." "My mistake." "How much?" "These are 15." "Sorry." "15." "Thank you." "Thank you." "What a sucker." "Jeez, kick me out, why don't you?" "Oh, you've had enough." "Use me and abuse me." "You'll get more later, if you're up to it." "You dare to doubt?" "But for now, go get the pizza." "If you weren't so damn cheap, you'd pay for delivery." "Hey, I'm a working girl." "I'll be right back." "Pick up some more coolers too." "Hey, no problemo." "Hi." "That'll be $3." "Sounds reasonable." "Wow." "Your hair is really cool." "How did you get it to stick up like that?" "I just had it done." "Yeah." "Cool." "Hi." "That'll be $3." "[Chatter]" "What's your pleasure, dude?" "I'd like a drink, please." "What did you have in mind?" "Uh, nothing too strong." "Something with a little bit of a fruity taste." "Fruity taste." "How about a fuzzy navel?" "Excuse me?" "A fuzzy navel." "Kind of like a screwdriver." "Oh, what the heck?" "I'll try it." "Shoot the works, right?" "Shoot the works." "Damn the torpedoes." "Damn the torpedoes." "Right." "$2, guy." "Sounds reasonable." "Keep the change, man." "Hey, thanks, guy." "[Dance music]" "[Cheering]" "Oh god, that's a little better." "Got a light?" "Sorry." "Nothing to be sorry about, man." "Yeah, she doesn't need to smoke one of those cancer" "Sticks anyway." "Fuck you, Mother Earth." "Oh, foul of mouth and brown of lung." "My lungs are virgin clean." "Yeah, well, there's nothing virgin about me." "How about you?" "Huh?" "Is there anything virgin about you?" "Uh, well, I do all right." "I'm sure you do." "So what's your name?" "Kunkle." "Harold Kunkle." "Well, nice to formally meet you, Harold." "I'm Lilac, and this whore goes by the name of Jennifer." "Fuck you." "Pleased to make your acquaintance." "[Laughing]" "What's so funny?" "He is such a nerd!" "Hey, no offense." "You know, at least you're not like everybody else," "Like some beer-guzzling jock." "All jocks should be shot." "You shouldn't be ashamed to express your individuality." "You should be proud of who you are." "Yeah, with a wild do like that, you sure are an individual." "Besides that, you're a lot of fun." "Thank you." "Well, this really sucks." "Saturday night, and we're hanging out in an alley" "Like a bunch of bums." "Do you want to go back inside?" "Screw that." "I need a light." "I'm having a nicotine fit here." "Better yet, I need some pot." "Sure, if you're gonna blacken your lungs," "You may as well deteriorate your brain." "[Inaudible]." "Let's go to Leelee's." "He's always got some smoke on hand." "We are going to get high." "Well, I may as well do a little." "You give in easily, don't you?" "Well, it is Saturday night after all." "Isn't marijuana illegal?" "Come on, Kunkle." "BOTH:" "Come on, Kunkle." "Who's this Leelee?" "A friend of ours." "You want anything, like pot, crack, coke, speed, acid," "Heroin, just say the word." "You want a gun, you just come up with the money." "With Leelee, it is cash and carry." "Sounds like an enterprising young man." "Yeah, right." "Yeah, but he's got a weird sense of humor." "How weird?" "He just likes to fuck around." "You know, just ignore him." "Listen, if it gets out of line, just kick his ass," "He'll shut up." "Sure." "Well, here we are." "Uh, looks like I don't see any lights on." "I guess they're not home." "Oh, well." "All the luck." "I guess there's no use knocking." "Ah, they're probably just stoned out of their gourds." "This will wake them up." "Leelee, open up the door." "Leelee?" "Open up the door, buttheads." "I hope they don't get mad." "She'll handle it." "She can handle anybody." "I'm not going to be handling anything." "They're not here." "Well, it is Saturday night after all." "What luck." "Jeez, what a break." "Hey, I bet I know where they're at." "The Factory." "Could be." "Might be worth a try." "Factory?" "What's the Factory?" "Well, it's just what the name says." "It's this old abandoned factory." "Leelee hangs out there all the time." "I mean, high school kids have got" "To get their dope somewhere." "Let's go." "Great." "Kunkle, come on." "Well, here we are." "Isn't it beautiful?" "Something so delicate thriving in the midst of squalor." "Yeah, it makes me want to take a dump." "You know, I don't know about this." "Drugs are illegal." "We could get into trouble." "Loosen up, Kunkle." "Don't be such a tight ass." "Well, here goes nothing." "Hey!" "Leelee!" "Leelee, TJ, it's Jenny!" "Sh!" "Not so loud." "We're gonna get in trouble." "I just know it." "Quiet!" "I thought I heard something." "LEELEE:" "Yo, who is it?" "It's Jenny, you bastard." "Open up the door." "LEELEE:" "Are you alone?" "No." "Lilac's with me." "And we're with a friend." "LEELEE:" "Male or female?" "Female." "You lied." "This fellow's going to be highly irate." "Pipe down." "I know what I'm doing here." "LEELEE:" "Come on up." "Buzz, buzz, here we come." "Leelee?" "LEELEE:" "Shut up!" "Did anybody see you?" "I don't know about this." "Oh, he's just kidding." "Come on." "I told you he has a weird sense of humor." "Come on, Harold." "It'll be all right." "Leelee, this is a raid." "We're here for your dope." "I can't believe it!" "It's the ladies' man." "You guys know Kunkle?" "Yeah, you could say that." "We know him by a different name, though." "BOTH:" "It's the ladies' man!" "Don't worry, ladies' man." "Take a seat, cool." "Do you want a brew, ladies' man?" "No, thanks." "I don't drink." "Well, then, what do you piss, boy?" "Leave him alone." "Damn, you beer hound bitches." "Got it." "That's not all I'm hungry for." "What do you got on hand?" "No can do, babe." "Junior high football team cleaned me out." "You missed out on some righteous weed." "Damn!" "This night sure turned out to be a bust." "It hasn't been all bad." "At least we met Harold." "Ooh, boy!" "Well, you're welcome to party here, but looks like we're" "Gonna need some more brew." "Beer run?" "Beer run!" "Woo-hoo!" "Make yourselves at home, but don't ruin the furniture." "You want to come along, Kunkle?" "Uh, no." "It's OK." "I'll just wait here with the ladies." "Oh, come on, Kunkle." "Be a man." "Yeah, hang with the boys for a change, man." "It's all right." "It's not that." "Well, you too cool to hang with us?" "Yeah, ain't we good enough for you, Kunkle?" "It's OK, Harold." "They're not gonna hurt you." "At least they better not." "Hey, J, we wouldn't let nothing happen to the ladies' man." "Like, we wouldn't want all the women in the world" "To be deprived of his services." "Yeah." "We'll take good care of Kunkle." "Yeah, Kunkle's our main man." "Give it to me, baby!" "Do it, do it!" "Fuckin' A!" "We're gonna party with..." "BOTH:" "The ladies' man!" "See, Harold?" "You made four new friends tonight." "Yeah, four new friends." "Kunkle, you pussy ass faggot!" "Let's fuck him up, man." "Squeeze it!" "Squeeze it like a zit!" "Oh, did we hurt you, Kunkle?" "Come here, let me give you a hand up." "Oh, we broke him!" "Oh, man!" "HAROLD:" "Please, please, what have I done?" "Please!" "You exist, Kunkle." "That's reason enough for you to get your ass kicked." "What have I ever done..." "You exist, Kunkle." "You're a big, ugly, stupid, pussy-ass faggot sissy boy." "And don't you forget it!" "What are you?" "I'm a..." "Tell him what you are, boy!" "Please!" "What are you?" "I..." "I..." "What are you?" "I'm a sissy boy!" "You got that right." "You're a big, ugly, stupid, dickheaded faggot sissy boy." "And don't you forget it!" "Please!" "Little punk of fatness." "And don't you forget it." "See you later, faggot." "See you later, sissy boy." "Sissy boy." "Ha ha!" "Sissy boy!" "Baby!" "Ow!" "SALLY (VOICEOVER):" "Oh, Harold." "You can't think like that." "You've got to try accentuating the positive." "JENNIFER (VOICEOVER):" "He's such a nerd!" "JEFF (VOICEOVER):" "That doesn't mean you, Kunkle." "LEELEE (VOICEOVER):" "Don't miss your kindergarten bus," "Sissy boy!" "TJ (VOICEOVER):" "Yeah, dry those tears, little girl." "JEFF (VOICEOVER):" "Babe, how come you've" "Got to put up for a 1,000 time loser like Kunkle?" "LEELEE (VOICEOVER):" "You exist, Kunkle." "That's reason enough for you to get your ass kicked." "Sissy boy!" "Ha ha!" "Sissy boy!" "Baby!" "Ow!" "[Grunting]" "So I'm a nerd, huh?" "Well, this nerd's really out for revenge!" "[Sobbing]" "I'm a nerd!" "A big nerd!" "A big stupid nerd!" "I'm mad as heck and I'm not going to take it anymore." "Nerd!" "Nerd!" "Nerd!" "Nerd!" "Nerd!" "Nerd!" "Nerd!" "Ah, a little bit of this and a little bit of that." "Cooking up something good!" "[Chuckling]" "Ah, there you are." "[Chuckling]" "Ah, slice and dice." "Slice and dice." "Slice and dice." "Guaranteed to please!" "[Chuckling]" "I'm gonna get you!" "Yes!" "That's enough." "No!" "No, just stop it." "Stop it." "Really, though, I do think you should go" "A little easier on poor Harold." "Oh, poor Harold's ass." "If you want to molly coddle that goofy fat boy, then go ahead." "Besides, I'm just making fun." "But sometimes you're a bit too harsh on him." "He's a human being." "He has feelings like everyone else." "Oh, the only thing Kunkle feels is" "His little dick, when he's whacking off" "With his "Highlights Magazine."" "You're awful." "Ah, but you like it that way, don't you?" "Mm-hmm." "Anyway, if you're such a bleeding" "Heart for the plight of fat boy nerds," "Then why don't you go out with him?" "Because I'm taken." "At least I talk to the guy." "Everyone else ignores him." "He knows I'm just ribbing him anyway." "No, he doesn't." "He gets very angry about it once in a while." "I'm scared." "Be serious for two seconds." "Really, sometimes a person can only take so much." "All right, all right." "You win." "I'll try to go a little easier on the walking skid mark." "Well, you're not such a bad guy after all." "Uh-huh." "Uh-huh." "And now for round two." "Let's see if you can play Find the Eel." "[Giggling]" "I'm gonna get you, Sally." "Yes!" "[Meowing]" "What was that?" "What was what?" "That noise." "I don't hear anything." "Listen." "[Meowing]" "What was that?" "Oh, that's just a cat." "[Meowing]" "What's wrong with it?" "It sounds like it's in pain." "Oh, it's probably just some hard up tom, looking" "For a little bit of pussy." "[Meowing]" "Oh, Jeff, there's something wrong with that poor thing." "Go out and check on it." "Screw that cat." "Jeff!" "It'll be all right." "[Meowing]" "Oh, please, Jeff." "It's hurting." "All right, all right." "But the god damn thing better be in pain." "Thank you, Jeff." "Yeah, yeah, right." "Fucking cat." "Here, kitty, kitty." "Here, kitty, kitty, kitty." "Stupid cat." "Here, pussy cat." "Kitty, kitty, kitty." "[Meowing]" "Around the corner, eh, you little bastard?" "Here, kitty, kitty." "[Meowing]" "[Meowing]" "Kunkle?" "What the hell are you doing?" "[Meowing]" "You asshole." "What the hell's wrong with you?" "You stupid nerd!" "Nerd, nerd, nerd, nerd, nerd, nerd, nerd, nerd, nerd, nerd," "Nerd, nerd, nerd, nerd, nerd, nerd, nerd, nerd, nerd, nerd," "Nerd, nerd, nerd, nerd, nerd, nerd," "Nerd, nerd, nerd, nerd, nerd, nerd," "Nerd, nerd, nerd, nerd, nerd..." "No!" "No!" "He always has to screw around." "Jeff?" "Did you find the poor thing?" "Jeff?" "You better not try to scare me." "All right, mister." "If you're going to be such a bad boy," "I'm not going to play find the eel." "Oh, really?" "Then how about a little head?" "[Screaming]" "Well, you can forget about that necktie for Christmas." "Oh, god!" "Oh, why?" "Why?" "Why?" "Why?" "Because we like you." "You're crazy." "You could say that." "But I'd prefer to say it in verse." "Roses are red, violets are placid." "You screwed me over." "Have a face full of acid!" "[Chuckling]" "Bitch!" "Mm." "Good sandwich." "[Knocking]" "Hello, Mother." "[Chuckling]" "Ooh, nice shiner, Mother." "What?" "Look what I found, Mother." "[Squeaking]" "Harold, what are you doing?" "Untie this rope this instant." "Ah, sorry, no can do." "You're one of them too." "Harold, what are you talking about?" "The fib tellers." "You're one of them." "You tell nasty old fibs." "Young man, you let me go right now," "Or you're going to be in big trouble." "Ooh, I'm scared." "Nasty old fib woman's gonna whip me with a wet noodle." "Shut up, you old whore." "Oh, god." "What's wrong with you?" "There's nothing wrong with me." "In fact, I've been enlightened." "No more fibs." "You're insane." "Fibs like accentuate the positive, go for the gusto," "We like you, Harold." "You fib-tellers always say you like me, but it's not true." "Do you remember this?" "(BABY TALKING) Mommy, I'm hungry." "Fix me a hot dog, Mommy." "I want some candy, pweeze." "Goo goo goo, ga ga ga, goo goo goo goo goo." "You used to say that nothing was too good" "For your precious little man." "And that's still true." "We used to have lots of fun until he came along." "I've made a few embellishments." "Oh my god." "Burn in hell." "Burn in hell." "Maggots eat his brain." "Worms chew his eyes." "He's in hell." "You let him beat me." "I'm sorry." "I'm so sorry." "I couldn't leave him." "Where would we have gone?" "I'm so sorry." "That's not enough." "Now you have to take your medicine." "Take your medicine." "Take your medicine." "That your medicine." "Open your mouth and close your eyes." "I've gonna give you a big surprise." "Come on." "Open the hangar and let the airplane in." "Harold, no." "Please." "Well, if wittle baby won't swallow medicine with spoon," "Then wittle baby must drink the medicine from the bottle." "Mm, mm, good." "[Chuckling]" "I love you, Mommy." "[Chuckling]" "(SINGING) I'm looking over my dead dog rover," "The one I just hit with the mower." "One leg is missing." "The other is gone." "The third one is splattered all over the lawn." "[Humming]" "Man, you suck." "Kiss my ass." "I'd like to." "You drop them drawers, babe." "I'll peel off them panties, and then we'll talk." "Then you'll wake up." "I've gotta pee." "Where's the bathroom." "Pee?" "You're looking at it." "Pick a corner." "Any corner." "Forget that." "I'd rather take my chances outside." "Can I watch?" "No, you definitely cannot." "I'll be right back." "You gotta drink, man." "I got it." "Man, this game is lame." "If I'm gonna chug, I'm gonna chug on my own." "Yeah, well, if Harold were still here," "We'd probably be playing Go Fish." "I kinda figured that guy would nerd out on us" "And go home to choke his chicken." "Yeah, old nerd boy punked out on us." "Faggot." "Oh, well." "He was good for a few laughs." "Yeah, a few." "What a dick!" "Man." "Please stay and enjoy the party." "Slice and dice." "Slice and dice." "Nerd, nerd, nerd, nerd, nerd... ooh, the blood." "The blood!" "[Chuckling]" "Man, someone should tell that bitch that this is the nines," "Not the fucking sixes." "Hey, who would name their kid Lilac?" "Hey, man." "You lay off of her." "She is, like, my best friend in the whole world." "Oh, man." "I think you girls is a little queer." "Yeah." "Can we watch you do it?" "Hey, bitch." "I'm gonna teach you both a lesson" "You're never gonna forget." "Ooh, bring it on, baby." "Come on, take it off." "Take it off." "Right after I pee." "What's with you girls, man?" "Always gotta pee." "Yeah, well, that's the curse of being female." "That and menstruation." "Oh." "Yuck!" "Don't be talking about none of that stuff." "It grosses me out." "Yeah, poor baby." "Why don't you go home and cry to mama?" "I'll be right back." "Yeah, that's what she said." "Li?" "Li?" "Hey, Li!" "Don't forget to wipe." "[Gasping]" "Oh, god." "Li!" "Oh my god, Li!" "Like my latest work?" "I'm such a cut up!" "Step right up." "You're the next contestant on the cavalcade of death." "Nerd, nerd, nerd, nerd..." "[Screaming]" "Nerd, nerd, nerd, nerd, nerd, nerd." "Ow!" "Your friend's a dead head." "Come to papa!" "You crazy bastard!" "[Screaming]" "Say good night, Gracie." "[Chuckling]" "Man, I wish those bitches would shut up." "They're yelling and goofing around." "You know somebody's gonna call the cops." "Yeah, well, I gotta take a piss too." "Hey, maybe I can catch a look at them squatting." "Hey, take it easy, man." "[Interposing voices]" "HAROLD:" "Oh, kitty cat!" "Jenny?" "What's with the goofy voice?" "HAROLD:" "Come down here and you'll find out," "You big hunk of man, you." "Baby, I'm coming with bells on." "I'm not gonna kill you yet." "I've got something special planned" "For you and your friend." "Sleep well, while you still can." "[Chuckling]" "It don't take this long to piss." "TJ's probably doing them both." "What a fucking asshole." "HAROLD:" "Come out with your hands up." "Come out with your hands up." "We have the place surrounded." "Do not attempt to resist." "You have exactly five minutes." "This had better be a fucking joke." "[Chuckling]" "TJ?" "Jenny?" "Quit screwing around." "This ain't funny." "Jesus." "[Yelping]" "TJ:" "Leelee!" "Come on, man." "Leelee, wake up!" "Leelee!" "Oh, what the hell hit me?" "What's the matter?" "Fuck!" "Look what's on your head, man." "I know, Man." "He's a nut, man." "We're gonna die." "It's the nerd, man." "It's Kunkle." "He did the chicks." "And now he's gonna do us!" "You're darn tootin'." "I see you noticed the party favors tied to your heads." "I found them in the basement." "They look a little old, but they should still pack a bang." "Let us loose, Kunkle." "I mean it, man." "Let us loose right now." "TJ:" "Come on, Kunkle." "Let us loose!" "Come on, TJ." "Be a man." "Please, Kunkle." "What are you, boy?" "What are you?" "I'm..." "I'm a sissy boy." "I'm a big, stupid, faggot, dickheaded sissy boy." "And don't you forget it." "This infirmary is remarkably well preserved." "But it could use a nice new coat of paint." "I know a lovely shade." "Blood red with brains." "Blood red with brains!" "Kunkle, you don't have to do this, man." "Yeah, Kunkle." "We won't tell no one about the girls." "Promise." "Just let us go." "It's not too late, man." "We're sorry." "You beat me." "My step-father used to beat me." "The kids in school used to beat me." "The paper girl beat me up once." "I'm sick of it, sick of it, sick of it." "The worm has turned." "Mama drank rain cleaner, and I'm going for the gusto." "Hot damn!" "Do do do, do do do do..." "He's insane, man." "HAROLD:" "Kiss your ass goodbye, spud head." "You're going to hell in a hand basket," "And you're not going to need a hat." "No!" "Don't do it!" "Don't do it." "Later, dude!" "[Screaming]" "Looks like TJ lost his head." "You're next!" "You can't do this, man." "The cops are gonna get you." "You can't get away with this." "The hell I can't." "After I polish you off, I'm gone with the sun on my back." "I've got a lot of money saved up from a lifetime" "Of date-less Saturday nights." "Any final words?" "Why?" "Why?" "Why?" "Why'd you do it?" "Why'd you go nuts?" "I'm different." "I've always been different." "I'm a nerd." "People use that word loosely to make fun, to make jokes." "But that's what I am." "That's how I live." "I hate that word!" "Nerd." "What a stupid word." "Nerd, nerd, nerd, nerd, nerd, nerd, nerd, nerd, nerd, nerd," "Nerd, nerd, nerd, nerd, nerd, nerd, nerd, nerd, nerd, nerd," "Nerd, nerd, nerd, nerd, nerd, nerd," "Nerd, nerd, nerd, nerd, nerd..." "[Explosion]" "No more Mister Four Eyes." "[Chuckling]" "[Music playing]"