"Thank you!" "One, two, three, four!" "Oi." "Where the fuck have you been?" "Johnny boy, have you got me rent?" "Yeah, yeah, Mrs. O'Malley." "I got it." "It's paradise, isn't it?" "Hey, did you remember to tell Mrs. O'Malley about the leaking gas canisters?" " Here you go, Mrs. O." " Thanks." " No, I forgot." " Well, don't forget, babe." "I can't bring up a child in these conditions." "But you're not even pregnant yet." "God." "Some flyers from the first gig." "With Thrasher and the Buzzcocks." "The good old, bad old days." "And I'm all washed up." "I've got to get that." "Leave it." "Just leave it." " Might be important." " Johnny, leave it." "Keith Moon, Sid Vicious, now Thrasher." "Drugs go with genius." "He loved drugs." "Yeah, well, now he's dead." "Kev." "Kev, it's him." "It's him." "It's Bono." " Who?" "Where?" " Johnny Jones, Weapons of Happiness." "Who?" "We have gathered here today to share in the loss of Emrys Upyerwest, a.k.a. Thrasher." "If anyone asks, I'm doing a movie soundtrack for Guy Ritchie." " Right?" " Guy Ritchie." "Yeah." "Right." " Look, look, look." " Yeah." " Mike Peters." " What?" " Oh, my God, it is." " Hey." " Hi!" " Mike!" " Hey, Johnny!" " How you doing, man?" " I'm cool, I'm cool." " How are you?" " I'm not to bad." " You're looking good." " And you." "You look great." " Is this your boy?" " This is Dylan, yeah." " Say hi to Johnny, mate." " Hey." "This is Johnny from the Weapons of Happiness." "We do not come here today with any glib answers." "We're stunned, we're hurting." "We haven't a clue what's going on." "It's like the Punk Rock Hall of Fame." "They all turned out for Thrasher's funeral." " He wasn't even that famous." " He loved life." " I'm more famous than him." " He loved music." "He loved dogs." "Death is the destiny of everyone..." " All right, Diggle?" " Considering the circumstances." "I hear the Buzzcocks are on a world tour." "Any chance of a gig?" "Are the Weapons of Happiness back together?" "No." "And God rest his soul." "I mean, if you need a guitarist, you know, in the Buzzcocks..." "It might be difficult to believe..." " That's bad taste, isn't it, mate?" " ...but the Bible says that it's actually good for us to come here today." " I ain't seen the Weapons since we split." " In Ecclesiastes, Chapter 7, Verse 2," "God says this: "It is better to go to a house of mourning"..." " Well, they're over there." " God is saying," ""It is better to come to a funeral than to a pub."" "Look at Robbie... how fat he is." "Griff." "He looks like a rocker with that ponytail." "Ah, there he is." "Minto." "He lost all his hair." "Good." "That's death for a rock star." "Don't start where you left off, babes." "Come on." "Life's too short for enemies." "Val!" "Oi, tosser!" "You owe me money." "I owe you nothing, mate." "Got you there." "Bloody hell, Johnny, eh?" "You look like a bag of shit, mate." "Look at that." "Still got the same boots on." " They were a good investment." " All right, mate?" "A bit slitty-wristy really." "Mental about Thrasher." "I'd have thought heroin, choking on his own puke, not angina." "What's he expect?" "Didn't look after himself." " Didn't eat properly." " So where you living now?" " Back home?" "London?" " No, I'm here, mate." " Is Elaine here?" " Yeah." "Two youngest ones are at home." "Now look." "Paris and Rio." "Rio and Paris." "What about you, Johnny?" "Have you got any kids or what?" "No." "And do me a favor." "Don't bring up the subject when Jules is about, eh?" "You wanna get a spur on, mate." "It's a well-known fact that birth defects rocket after the age of 40." " That what happened to you?" " Eh?" "How old's your kid now, then, eight, nine?" "Well, the oldest one..." "No, he's 21." "Bloody hell." "He was two when the band split up." "That was 20 years ago." "Yeah, well, sorry about all that." "It weren't like you split the band up and then deprived us of our livelihood." "Nothing important like that, was it?" "Frankly, it was the best thing that ever happened to me in my life." "So how come you never went back to London?" "How come?" "'Cause I got a license to print money, mate." "Here." "Look." "Look at that watch, right?" "Look at the shirt." "Roberto Cavalli, mate." " What's that say on there?" " It says "B"." "B. B for "Bentley." That's the car I drive." "Bloody hell." "I've got 17 nursing homes up and down the coast of North Wales." " Bloody hell." " Both kids go to private school." "Very rotten." "What about you, Mint?" "Are you still doing the old radio jingles?" "No." "I'm a photographer, videographer." "Weddings, birthdays, funerals." "In fact, we're doing this one over there." "Planet, planet political" "Planet, planet political star" "Planet, planet political" "Typical Thrasher, isn't it?" "Not even a sandwich." "I'll tell you what, why don't we all go back to the Bistro?" "Champagne's on me." "Here's to the Bistro and the old good old, bad old days, oh." "Coming back after all this time, boys, eh?" "Good God, must've spent my fucking life in the Rock Box." "Remember that?" "Listen, Val said that she can give us a lift home." "So are you gonna come, or are you staying here?" " Yeah, think I might shoo." " Don't think so, Jaws." "He's gonna abandon one of these for that?" " Jo..." " Stick around for a bit." " Can we just crash at..." " We'll see." "Don't go to sleep." " No, I'm talking to Jo." " Don't get in any trouble, all right?" " See you later." " Don't listen to him." " Is that your missus?" " What, Jo?" "No, she's not my missus. no." " You dirty bastard." " What?" "What badness, eh?" "It's like a castle." "It's a manor house." "Used to belong to Henry VIII." "I think we'll take it to the east wing so I don't wake the family up." "Come on, Minto." "Welcome to my lair." " Oh, wow." " Yeah, have a look up there." "Bring back memories." "Who designed this, Dannii Minogue?" "We look a lot younger there, don't we, eh?" "Look at that." "Look at you, you fat, long-haired hippy bastard." "Oh, man, all that time." "And look at this." "That was that dental nurse from Durham." "What a bunk up." "Best sex I ever had." "Yeah." "Have a look at that." "Nicked from the Bay City Rollers in 1975." "Oh, that is better than sex, mate." "That is something else." " Look at that beauty." " Here." "Look." " That was you." " Let's have a look." "Grab that one." "It's only got one string." "What's up with you?" " Don't you like the skiffle bass?" " Haven't changed a bit." "Look at that." "Right." "Right." "Get on the drums." " Sure, plug in." " Yeah, let's plug it in." "I'm a bit rusty, though." "Sound like the Tin Man." "That's good sound, isn't it?" "Is this your drum kit or your kids?" "Yeah." " What are you playing?" " Three chords." "You can write a great punk song with three chords." "Wait a minute." "Look, let me record it." "Wait a minute." "You got an 8-track?" "No." "I just do it on the computer." "I design all my own Web sites and everything." "I'm a recording engineer now." "Come on." "Do that thing you just did." "Go for your laugh, kick yourself" "And do your brains in, do it today" "Destroy the system" "Smash it all up, lose control" "Start a revolution in your livin' room now" "Johnny, wakey, wakey!" "Hands off snakey!" "If you want to chunder, the toilet's down the hall." "I already spewed up in the ice bucket." "Oh, charming." "That's good." "Who is that?" " It's us last night." " Us?" "Yeah, well, I've put a loop on it and spliced the vocals, but basically it's us." " That's us." " Yeah." "It's not perfect, but it's better than what we had the first time, mate." "You remember that?" " You finished mixing it yet, Robbie?" " Yeah, I've just finished." "Robbie, you got any Alka-Seltzer?" "Yeah." "In the kitchen." "It's good, though." "It's very good, it is." "Make us a cup of tea while you're at it?" " And me." " Yeah, and me." "I made it last time." "What last time?" "Sound Studios 1993." "It's Griff's turn." "Just make the bloody tea!" "That is ever..." "That's blinding, that is." "That could be a hit." "Wouldn't it be something, back in the charts after all these years?" "Be a bloody miracle, that's what it would be." "Where's the tea bags?" "Next to the All-Bran." "Know what we should do?" "Put it out as a single." "Announce to the world, "Weapons of Happiness are back."" " I'm not back." " No, I'm too busy." "I've got better things to do." "Better than being in a band?" "Better than having a hit single?" "Come on, Robbie." "Don't tell me you don't missing being in a band." "I don't miss touring about in some crappy old van and living like a refugee." "And we ain't got a recording contract no more." "When the old label get a load of this, they'll sign us back up in no time." "Yeah, right." "Make sure the money gets split four ways this time." "Don't want to get screwed over again like we were last time." "You got 15% on songs you never wrote." "What other band does that?" "U2." "Well, you save Africa from poverty like Bono did, and I'll give you 10% more." "I'm not interested, mate." "The band split up years ago." "That was the end of that chapter." " These are great, these, aren't they?" " I'm gonna get tea." "That's a horrible bloody cup of tea." "Well, you go down and make it then." "Jules!" "Jules, I'm back." "God!" "Johnny!" "You got to hear this." "I'm trying to sleep." "Have you only just got in?" "Yeah." "And I feel brilliant." "I haven't felt this good in years." "Where did you dig that up?" "We did that last night." "Last night?" "It sounds like one of your early ones." "I know, but better." "This could be a hit." " Yeah." "Probably." " Probably?" "No, no, no." "Definitely!" "Oh, no." "Oh, God, no." "No." "You're actually thinking of doing this, aren't you?" " Yeah." "Why not?" " Johnny!" "Because we came here for a funeral." "We didn't come back here so you can get the band back together." "I'm not getting the band back together." "I just want to put out a record." "I've got an appointment at the fertility clinic." "Look, I want to go down to London." "I'll hop on the train to the old record company." " No way!" "No way!" " We'll be back in Ireland in a couple days!" "Listen, I'm doing this for both of us." "If this record hits, right, we'll be rich." "You can have as many babies as you want." "Can I have that in writing?" " Stuart Conley." " Who?" " Stuart Conley, head of AR." " Nobody by that name works here." "Jim Breen's head of AR." "Well, tell him Johnny Jones, Weapons of Happiness, is here to see him." " Do you have an appointment?" " Listen, mate." "I recorded three gold albums for this company." " I don't need an appointment." " Okay." "Buzzcocks." "Yeah, we opened for them at Eric's in Liverpool back when we started." "Who?" "The Buzzcocks." "You like them." "I never heard them." "I just collect vintage T-shirts." "Heard of my band, Weapons of Happiness?" "No, but I've heard of Liverpool." "Johnny, pleased to meet you." "Great to finally meet you." "My dad loves you." "He dressed a bit like you growing up." " Listen, have you eaten?" " No." "You got a spare half an hour?" "Come on." "Let's go have this conversation on down the pub." "Awesome food." "They do a great lunch." " I don't eat meat." " Oh, you're a veggie, eh?" "Paul McCartney's wife's sausages..." "you had them?" " What?" " Linda McCartney's sausages." "Pretty good." "Didn't you guys break up just as we booked you on a world tour?" "Yeah." "I was an intern when it happened." "It rips up a band when it's going that way." "And here's the good news." "We're back together again." "We're better than ever." "Want to re-sign us?" "The major labels are sniffing about, but we're loyal." "I'd love to sign you." "But you're just not in our demographic." "I'm just a cog in the machine, but... our arena is tweens to twenties." " The Jammie Dodgers, Bling-bling." " "Bling-bling"?" "We just signed Room Service up in Newcastle." "They're still at school doing their A-levels, but they're genius." " They only wear monochrome." " Who's the singer?" " Charlie." " Charlie." "Yeah, he's asked for my songs." " Which Charlie?" " Singer Charlie." "Charlie's a girl." "Yeah, I know Charlie's a girl." "I'm thinking of another Charlie." "I get confused." "These kids... they ring me up all the time asking for my material." "Well, in the hands of someone like Charlie Gautier, it'd be more of a statement of ironic anxiety about influence if she's calling you." "She's a cultural wit." "You need to listen to this." "It's great." "I have no doubts, but our company doesn't want to sign anyone over the age of 30." "It's like watching your parents having sex." "You get your royalty checks on time?" "Not as much as I'd like, but yeah." "I can't wait to tell my dad I've seen you." "So many happy memories of growing up." " I best be off." " Just listen to this." "Listen, I respect you too much to waste your time." "Hey, this is Room Service now." "This is Charlie singing." "I found this girl." "Amazing, isn't she?" "Gotta get back." "Ciao." "What's so good about it?" "Doing that years ago." "Pretenders." "You want it that way?" "You can have it that way." "You want image?" "I'll give you image." "Welcome to my creation." "Blimey!" "Jonesy!" "You still wearing those boots after 20 years?" " What are you doing here?" " Yeah, well, I was just passing." "I thought I'd drop by, yeah?" "No." "I'm with Chris." "It's okay." "He's with me." "You still making music?" "No, no." "It's like watching your parents shag." "I'm a manager now." "I've got this genius band out of Wales." " Four young kids, yeah?" " It takes five for a successful band." "Five." "Yeah." "One of them wants to go to art college, but I won't let him." "They've got a great look." "Really original, man." " The Single Shots." "Nice name." " Yeah, great name, mate." "Massive on the Welsh underground, yeah?" "We're selling thousands of units on our Web site, and they're still doing their A-levels." "They've got a kind of..." "You know, it's like a primitive, urban punk vibe, yeah?" "And guess who's gone mental for them." "Wants them on their tour." "Hmm?" "Room Service." "Nice." "I'll give them a listen later." "I better get back onto it now." "Nice to see you." "Thanks for dropping in." "Take care." " This is Chris Knowles..." " Thanks a lot." "on Sound 1, Radio 1, 103, and this is the Beatles." "I told you." "No one's interested." "We'll find another record company." "Rome wasn't built in a day." "No, but it fell in one, didn't it?" "Minto's right." "Just drop it, John." "We're too old for this." "Do you wanna put the tickets in there, babe?" "Yeah." "You Okay?" "Yeah, I'm fine." "Just looking forward to getting back to Ireland." "And now, here's a new band out of Wales." "And when it hits number one, remember where you heard it first." "It's us." "That's our record." "What are you doing?" "I'm unpacking." "Mrs. Hanratty's had an accident." "Sunshine Care Homes." "Robbie speaking." "Robbie, turn the radio on." "We're on Sound Radio 1." "Yeah." "They sometimes play us on the '80s flashback set." "No, mate. "Free Rock and Roll" is on!" " Oh." " "Free Rock and Roll"!" "Free rock and roll, free rock and roll, oh" "Go for the throat, yes, destroy the system" "Smash it all up, lose control" "We've done it!" "It's "Free Rock and Roll"!" "We're on!" "Yes!" "Johnny!" "It's brilliant!" "I feel great." "I can't believe we're back on the radio." "I told you." "When it's from the heart, people feel it, eh?" "That is "Free Rock and Roll," by the great un-signed band out of Wales, the Single Shots." " This is Chris Knowles on Sound..." " Huh?" " Single Shots?" "Hang on." " Go on, then." " It's not a big deal." " It's not that big a deal?" "We're getting airplay there, and no one knows it's us." "Exactly." "We're coming in under the radar." " It's perfecto." " Perfecto?" " We haven't even got a bloody contract." " It doesn't matter." "The deejay thinks the Single Shots are the kind of hot young band the record companies are looking for." "Yeah, but it's not them, it's us." "And what a stupid, stupid bloody name." "We're too old." "Mr. Dobbs needs the toilet." "No." "He just thinks he does." "He's got a bag." "If people don't take Weapons of Happiness seriously anymore," "I say we give them what they want... a virtual band." "What, you mean, like, computerize ourselves?" "No." "We hire a load of spotty kids to stand in for us and mime our music, right?" "And when the single hits the charts, we reveal the scam to the press and shame the corporate tossers for the hypocrites they are." "Oh, right." "And whose money is gonna be paying for the hire of these school kids?" "Yours, mate?" "'Cause it ain't gonna be mine, I'm telling you." "We chop them in on the profits." "Yeah?" "Very entrepreneurial, don't you think?" "I ain't got time for this." "I got a business to run." "Yeah." "And I can't give them a job." "You don't have to." "The fake band do all the work, and we laugh all the way to the bank." "Well, I suppose I could do with the extra cash." "Minto?" "All I know is, right, I'm on the radio, and I want to get paid." "And if that means that we have to hire a bunch of talentless, spotty school kids to get it, all right." "All right." "So be it, mate." "But I'm watching you." "Shh." "It's a rock and roll swindle." "Free rock and roll, free rock and..." "Sorry." "Can I start..." "Sorry." " Free rock and roll" " Free rock and roll" "Free rock and roll, oh" "Go for the throat, destroy the system" "Smash it all up, lose control" "Start a revolution in your livin' room now" " Go ahead." " I was told there'd be one." "Go for the throat, destroy the system" "Free rock and roll" "Free rock and roll" "Smash it all up" "Free rock and roll, free rock and roll" "Free rock and roll, oh" "I can't really play guitar." "Why do I have to be a girl?" "Told you he'd be like this." "Must be his time of the month." "There's a lad outside wants an audition." "Tell him to piss off." "We got a band." "I tried, but he won't go away." "He's a real pain in the ass." " All right?" " Auditions are over, mate." "Yeah, but your band's gonna be shit without me, so..." "Listen, you spout that kind of cockiness when you've got three gold records." " What's your name, drainpipe?" " Drainpipe." "He reminds you of Johnny." "Same puffy strut and pushy manner." "I'm a shadow in the shape of a man" "You may say I'm shallow, but I say I'm bland" "Everywhere is my hometown" " But I'll stay" " Okay, Donovan." "Put your name and number in the bin on your way out." "Mate, I ain't done yet." "You're finished, mate." "Finito." "Kaput." " That was a bit harsh, wasn't it?" " Audience is harsher." "You can't bear anyone else be the center of attention, mate." "Oh, yeah?" "What's that supposed to mean?" "Well, you're still the same, aren't you?" "Hmm?" "Can't share it." "It's all gotta be about you, isn't it?" "I mean, that is why you split up the band." "I split up the band because my dad died." "I was on me own, and all you cared about was going on tour." "No card, no acknowledgement, no nothing." "That's not why you split up the band." "Yes, it is." "Wait a minute." "You weren't that close to your dad." "No, you weren't." "He was my dad." "You lot did my fucking head in." "I upset him a lot." "Yeah, either you or the last fella." "Sat down like chewing gum on the bottom of your feet" "You're holding me down, you're so sticky and so sweet" "I don't know why you think you're in control" " Come off it!" " Hey, what..." "You on the streets, or what, mate?" "What's wrong with you?" " Simon!" " I don't know why you think" " Hi, Robbie." "You all right?" " No, I'm not, mate." "Who's Simon?" "This is Simon." "Hello, Simon." " Time for you to go, I think." " What?" "Time to move on." "All right." "I'm going, I'm going." "I'll move." "Thank you very much, little man." "All right." "I'm going." " Take the case with you." " Yeah." "Okay " "You can do better than that, mate!" "Come on!" "Come back here!" "Come on!" "Oh, brilliant." "Here." "You need to hold that for me." "Okay " " Hi, girls." "How we doing?" " All right." " Yeah, good?" " All right." "You again." " Oh, you are just a dirty pervert..." " Come on." "You're gonna have to leave." " ..." "looking up a girl's skirt." " Time to go." " Don't take him, please!" " Come on." "It's time to go." "What have you gone and did?" "I've told him before!" "Calm down, calm down." "Are you gonna take him away?" "Do you know this man?" " Yes." " He's my..." "I'm taking him home for some old-fashioned discipline, sir." "Okay." "I don't want to see him again." "He's here again, he gets nicked." " Thank you." " Take him." "I went to see the Sex Pistols, right?" "My old man..." "Oh, here we go." "Where the bloody hell have you been?" "Found the singer." "No, no." "We have found the singer." "I have chosen this guy." "We have chosen this guy." "Well, I choose the skinny kid in the drainpipe." "Not the one that's dressed like a peacock." "What?" "You said you didn't like him." "What you on about?" "Cocky little bollocks, eh?" " Here's my man!" " I'm his man." "He told me this..." " You said you weren't gonna speak." " Yeah, but I..." "He's turning my studio into a bloody dosshouse." "Stop groaning, mate." "I don't get it." "Why we got to move into this dump?" "'Cause you've got to look like a real band." "What's that got to do with us shacking up together?" "For this to work, it's got to appear like you spend every waking hour together, rehearse endlessly, slept on top of one another in a tour van, done everything else an upstart band has done." "Just to lip-synch to some song?" "You're not some ventriloquist dummy." "You're here to sell an image." "When the press talk to you, you've got to know what it was like, who your influences were, who came up with the name of the band, why, you first gig." "Who was shagging whose girlfriend." "What beer your band mates drink, what clothes you wear, who and what drives you mad." "You've to to eat, sleep, fart together as a unit." "Girls don't break wind, Johnny." "I thought we were joining a band, not the army." "How much are we getting paid for this?" "You pull this off, trust me, you'll be raking in thousands." "Yeah, but what's our percentage?" " I want a contract." " Yeah." "Same here." "Yeah, and I want a solicitor to look over my contract, please." "And me." "You're not here 'cause of your talent, so don't get any bright ideas." "You look good." "That's all." "Now pick up your instruments." "They ain't cheap ones, so be careful." "I'll tell you who looks the best." "The weasel." "It's a ferret." "You were supposed to sort this out." "They can't even hold the ruddy things." "Yeah, well..." "Do the pose." "One, two, three." "At least she can count." "All right." "They can stay." "But we better get them looking like they know what they're doing, or we're up the proverbial creek... without a ladder." "Or a platform shoe." " That's an A. Remember that?" " Yeah." "And then the reverse pyramid triangle." " That way?" " No, no." "The other way around." "What are we gonna do about his trousers, Johnny?" "How baggy they are." "They should fit." "Well, we could sort of turn them up a little bit at the bottom." "Shut up!" "He's got to practice, otherwise he'll never learn." "Griff, get him on guitar." "Give it a rest, Zed!" " What are we gonna do with his hair?" " I don't know." "I think it looks all right." " Just make sure it don't look like yours." " Charming." "What is the deal with these school uniforms?" "We're not an AC/DC cover band, are we?" "It's got to appear like you're old schoolmates." " How are we gonna do that?" " Technology." "You come to the front." "Come here." "Now come in closer." "Turn the other way." "On three, turn around and look at me." "One, two, three, look at me." "Can you make them look a bit younger?" "Add some acne." "Acne coming up." "Pizza?" " Here." " Mine's a pepperoni." "How's the review coming on?" "Yeah, yeah." ""With a flash and blur of stripped-down excitement, the Single Shots' gig at Madison Square Gardens laid waste to everything in its path."" "No, no." "You wouldn't have done your first gig at Madison Square Garden." "Change the venue to something like Real Pavilion, yeah?" " Right." " Look." "Your hair is much better." " Off the hair, Johnny." " No." "Look." "Up there." "We've got to dip them in tea to age them, and then there we go." " That's wild." " Yeah." "I know, right?" "I used to sell fake ticket stubs outside the Cavern in Liverpool." "Worked the street up." "Worked the street down." "That was Rock Sound magazine on the phone." "I've also had a call from MTV." "I don't want to scare you, but the heat is on." "If I were you, I'd take your rubber gloves off and start practicing." "Destroy the system, smash it all up" "Lose control" "Start a revolution in your livin' room now" " Free rock and roll" " Do what you can do" " Free rock and roll - 'Cause you want to" " Free rock and roll" " Don't be afraid to" "Bite the hand that feeds you, spit it out" "Free rock and roll" "Free rock and roll" "Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah." "Do you see what I see?" "I'd say that that is our first album cover." "Get that next one." "Yeah." "Get one of those." " What's going on here?" " Oh..." " Come down now." " Yeah, come down." "Come down." "He's up ladders, he's down drainpipes." "I don't know what to do with the boy." " You told me you'd sort him out." " Run!" "I'm very sorry." "Simon says catch a ladder!" " Watch it!" "Look here!" " Hurry!" "I think we're ready to open the floodgates." "So, just stick to what we rehearsed and let the show begin." "Hello." "Are you Penny from Rock Sound magazine?" " Yeah." " I'm Johnny Jones." "All right." " Thanks for coming." " Thank the BBC." "If they weren't on radio, I never would've heard of them." "Well, they've dominated the Welsh indie scene since they did their first gig about a year ago." "Well, they haven't had any press outside Wales till now." "Well, I've been very careful with them, but the bubble's about to burst." "They're ready to take on the world." "Hold on a minute." "MTV." "So, your self-produced demo's been getting quite a lot of airplay lately." " How does that feel?" " Finally being recognized for the musical geniuses we are." "Are these biscuits free, or do I have to pay for..." "So, who are some of your influences?" " Weapons of Happiness..." " Weapons of Happiness." "the Kinks, Sex Pistols," "Johnny Thunders, lots and lots of diff..." " Can you let them speak?" " Yeah, Johnny." "Let us speak." " Nick Ashley." " Aerosmith." " Buzzcocks." " Slipknot." " Vampire Weekend." " Duran Duran." "Really?" "'Cause you don't sound anything like the bands you say influenced you." "Well, Des O'Connor influenced me, but that don't mean I wrote "Dick-A-Dum-Dum."" "You don't write anything anymore, do you?" "So, your press kit says that you met in primary school." "Yeah, we're old friends." "She was the first person to touch my Dinky-doo." " No, I wasn't." " Yeah, you were." "My pet ferret, Dinky-doo." "So, whose idea was it to actually start this band?" " Mine." " Zed." "Didn't know you could speak Welsh." "There's a lot of stuff you don't know about me, Johnny boy." " There you go." " What are you saying?" " The band was a group thing." " No, it was her idea." "But Drainpipe put up the flyer." "Yeah, and Zed helped me with the designs." "But I forgot, because I forgot." "No, no, no!" "No, girls!" "Not now!" "Not now!" "I'll be having a muffin." "I'll be having a muffin." "Leave the boys alone." " That happen often?" " All the time." "We're used to it." "That's what I've got, all right?" "Go on." "Off you go." "So, what do your parents think about all this new-found fame?" "Oh, my mom's well pleased." "Yeah, she's shagged enough rock stars to appreciate what it means." " You what?" " Yeah, yeah, yeah." "She used to be a big old groupie back in the day." " Shagged her way up and down the charts." " With who?" "Like punks and new romantics and a bit of grunge as well." " How does your father feel about all that?" " I don't know who he is." " Your mum never told you?" " Oh, no." "She said it could be half the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame." " She must have some idea." " Well..." "I've been told that I look like Morrissey, but then someone the other day said that I've got eyes like Nick Heyward from Haircut One Hundred." " Who do you think it is?" " Well, let's put it this way." "Come here." "You know that rumor about David Bowie being hung like a horse?" "Well, I have got living proof that that ain't just a rumor." "All right, then." "Write that down." ""The Single Shots are the newest, snottiest, and best kids on the block."" ""This unsigned band has a three-minute killer pop song that is destined to crash punk pie, drink all the beer, and cop off with the cutest girls."" "What?" "They are falling for it." "Get me Johnny Jones on the phone." "Oh, destroy the system, smash it all up" "Lose control" "He says, "We're exactly the fresh new sound the kiddies of today are looking for."" " They really want to sign us?" " Sign them, you mean." "He's gonna release the single, all right, with an option on two albums and a European tour." "That's brilliant." "How come you're the only one going over there?" "If we all turn up there, they're gonna think something's up." "Johnny's right." "We go up here like we got nothing to do." "Hang on." "It's just like last time, isn't it?" "He gets all the credit, right, and we just sat there holding our dicks." "Fine." "All right." "Next time the company calls, I'll put it on speakerphone." " Right." " Happy now?" "Right." "Yeah." "See, that's how you negotiate a deal." "I can run" " I can" " I can" "I can run faster than you" "Much faster than you" "And I always could, Johnny" "Know what that is?" " Sex, drug, and rock and roll." " What is it?" " Viagra." " Where'd you get that?" "I got it off Robbie." "Takes about an hour to work." "Have a look at this, babes!" "I got a boner!" "Here comes Johnny!" "Don't worry." "You won't have to play your instruments." "Remember, it's about attitude, right?" "And sticking two fingers up at the world, and go and bite the hand that feeds you." "Won't that piss off the press we're trying to impress?" " Yeah, man." " The press are a bunch of sadomasochists." "They want you to spit on them." "They love it." "It's like I was born for this." "Journalists, hacks, dribblers, and filth mongers, welcome." "I am proud to introduce to you the Single Shots, the newest and the finest signing to Circ Records." "The finest thing to come out of Wales since coal, meat, and Tom fucking Jones." " Does anybody have any questions?" " Yeah." "Is it true..." "Is it true that Drainpipe is the illegitimate son of David Bowie?" "Yeah, I prefer the term "bastard," actually, so..." "Are you willing to take a DNA test to prove it?" "Well, if you can get a jizz sample from the bloke, yeah." "I'll give it the old tug and pull." " Are we gonna get a jizz sample from you?" " Huh?" "It depends." "What's your daughter like?" "Right." "Without further ado, we'll get to the moment you've all come in for." "Contract." "Thank you." " How much is that contract worth?" " None of your business." "Welcome to Circ Records." "We'll get you back in the bar." "Well, how's it feel to be the bridesmaid and not the bride?" "What's that supposed to mean?" "Well, you're like an old racehorse that's out to pasture, and these kids are running the derby." "It's got to hurt." "Everybody say, "Bit the hand that feeds." One, two, three." "Bite the hand that feeds!" "Congratulations, guys." "Thank you very much." "Thank you all for coming." " What's next?" " I'll see you at number one." "I've got a few ideas for the music video." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Johnny, love to hear them." "I'm onto this phenomenal, phenomenal 23-year-old music director." "The guy's got three MTV Music Awards." "He's rocking." "He's hot right now." "He's the fish in your fish finger." "He's the custard in your truffle." "Ah, well, Mr. Fish Finger, we did the Weapons videos ourselves." " We wanna do this one." " Well, Johnny, you know the business." "My hands are tied." "This is a Circ investment." "It goes above me." "It goes beyond me." "Listen, Jimmy, mate, we don't do it ourselves, we don't do it, full stop." "That is it." "That's it." "Cool." "Look, that's cool." "That's perfect." "Congratulations, man." "Fantastic." "Great to have you on board." "It's great to have you on board." "I mean, those Weapons videos were..." "They were certainly very interesting back in the day." "Cheers to you, my friend." "The best thing since sliced bread." "You sure you're up to this?" "In." "In." " Oh, my word." " In, in, in." "Free rock and roll, free rock and roll" "Free rock and roll, oh" "Go for the throat, oh, destroy the system" "Smash it all up, lose control" "Start a revolution in your livin' room now" " Free rock and roll - 'Cause you can do" " Free rock and roll - 'Cause you want to" " Free rock and roll" " Don't be afraid to" "Bite the hand that feeds you, spit it out" "Free rock and roll" "Action!" "Free rock and roll" " Cut!" "Cut!" " Hey, I'm directing this." "I don't need you to do that all the time." "If you're gonna bleed for a reason" "A three-minute wonder is wonderful" " Total irritation in my ears right now" " That's good." "That's good." " Free rock and roll - 'Cause you can do" " Free rock and roll - 'Cause you want to" " Free rock and roll" " Don't be afraid to" "Bite the hand that feeds you, spit it out" "All right, guys." "What's happening?" "You're causing obstruction." " Bugger off, we're filming." " Let me see your permit then." " I said bugger off." " Can I be in it then?" "No, you can't be in it, Simon the policeman." " Right." " What are you doing now?" " Sign here." " What for?" "Autograph, please." "Call the police." "Spit it out, spit it out" "Spit it out, spit it out" "Spit it out, spit it out" "Spit it out, spit it out" "Free rock and roll now" "And that's why I was sad." "I couldn't talk to my old man." "All right?" "He wanted me to work in the post office like him, and all I wanted to do was rebel against him." "What about you?" "What about your old man?" "Don't know him." "You don't seriously think David Bowie's your old man, do you?" " What does your mom think?" " She's moved on." "Here." "Here's a picture of you with my mom in '92." "Yeah." "Yeah, she's nice." "Just gonna get on it." " What's wrong?" " I've had a shock." "Remember those gigs we did with U2 back in the day?" "At the Roxy?" "All those Norwegian groupies?" "Drunken, naughty teenagers." "How could I forget?" "Well, remember that mad, jaunty bird, wore a babydoll, striped socks?" "Made Courtney Love look like Mother Teresa?" "Yeah." "Well, I slipped her one on the Marshall stack." " Nice one." " Yeah." "Well, a couple of months later, she shows up at one of our gigs with a belly out there." "I ask, "Is it mine?" But she don't answer." "She just wants to know if I can get her a backstage pass to Glastonbury." "So what'd you say then?" "I get her a pass and forget about her, as you do." "Yeah." "She's Drainpipe's mom." "He's your son!" "My son." "What's Jules gonna say?" "Well, she ain't gonna be too happy, is she?" "Well, one thing that birds don't like is their old man's sperm being spread about." "Ain't funny." "He's the spit of you!" "Oh, for Christ sake, don't say that." "And don't tell any of the band, right?" " Oh, that's nepotism, that is, mate." " Yeah." " I'll tell you." " My son, the lead singer." "I won't say a word." "I promise." "Minto's gonna love that." " Let's get out of here." " Don't..." "I'm choking." "Don't..." "I've been searching around for a potential dad for ages now." "It's sort of like a little hobby of mine I've got." " Is that why you joined this band?" " Yeah, of course it is." "I don't need this." "Unlike the rest of you, I can actually play." "We are practicing." "We're getting good." " Yeah, mate." "Okay." " Well, let's have it then." " Maybe the cheekbones, but not the rest." " No?" " No." " Okay, right." "Forget about the hair." " No." " Okay." "Johnny?" "Whoa." "Do you really think?" "Are you gonna confront him about it?" "Oh, yeah." "And say what?" "Oh, you might've got my mom up the duff." "How about fucking her?" "Well, the nurse has just come back with your urine sample." " All right." " And I'm delighted to tell you, Jules, the test is positive." " What do you mean?" " You're pregnant." "Get lost." "Come on." "What you mean?" "I can't be." "I know it's a shock." "I can see that." "Congratulations." "I'm pleased to tell you such good news." "What?" "Down three places at number 12," "Green House of Terror, "Go for it."" "Up two at 11, New Mercury Sound." "No change at number ten for Room Service..." "Hi, sweetie." "Up eight places at number nine..." "Will you come outside for a minute?" "Johnny, I just want to talk to you for a minute." "In a minute, in a minute." "Just wait." "And bursting into the charts at number seven," ""This is the Hand That Bites," from the single" "Yeah!" " Yes!" " I knew I could do it!" "Yes!" "Oh, Robbie!" "Free rock and roll, free rock and roll, oh" "Free rock and roll, free rock and roll" "Free rock and roll, oh" "This is what it's like to be a star again, eh?" "Back." "All right, darling." "Hey!" "Robbie!" "We did it, son." "I went to the doctor's today, Johnny." "I had the test done, and it looks like..." "I've got a son." " You've what?" " Drainpipe's my son." "Honestly, I didn't know." "I didn't know till just the other day." "Get out." " Just get out!" " There's no more..." " You sure about that?" " There ain't no more babies!" "Get out!" "Robbie." "Thought we should break it now, Johnny." "The plan is to wait, mate, all right?" "Got something planned, hmm?" "Let's jump on it." "Get our names out there again." "We do it now, we'll kill it, just when it's getting momentum." "Bollocks!" "Now, once they realize it's us, well, sales are gonna double, aren't they?" "If that was the case, silly bollocks, we wouldn't have to do all this, would we?" "You know what, Johnny?" "You're gonna ruin it again, aren't you, just like you did the last time?" "Minto, this is a band decision." "It ain't yours." "So?" "We do it now." "Right?" "We tell them it's Weapons of Happiness." "I'm looking out for me family, Johnny." "Same as you." "Has he not told you why he's got such a vested interest in that bunch of phonies getting all the limelight?" "What you on about?" "Drainpipe is Johnny's kid." "You had a kid with David Bowie?" " Thanks, Robbie." " I never said a word." " Yeah, right." " No, no, no." "No, I was in the cubicle next door when you told Robbie." "Thanks very much." "Do I get an apology now?" "He might be my kid." "It ain't definite." "He's yours." "So, basically, you're gonna sell us down the river, are you, so that your kid can be the next big thing?" " Ain't true." " So why keep it a secret, Johnny?" "Why don't we tell everybody it's the Weapons of Happiness?" "You are gonna mess this up." "We don't reveal it's us till I say it's gone as far as it's gonna go." "You got that?" "We ain't changing the plan." "Oi, they're all ears." "Keep it down." "Got it." "Don't you fuck me about." "It's all a scam, mate." "Everything..." "CD3, videos, the lot." "We're the Single Shots..." "the Weapons of Happiness." "That lot is just puppets." "We just pull the strings, and the others are just miming to it." "And that kid Drainpipe..." "that's not David Bowie's son." "That's Johnny Jones' kid." " He did what?" " Told him everything." "Video, the song, everything." "Yeah, even the bit about Drainpipe being your kid." "Who gave you the right to do that?" "Nobody I did." "The truth won out, Johnny." " You're a twat, Minto." " All right." "That must be why Jimmy wants to meet us down in London then, hmm?" "Why he sent a limo to pick us up, take us down there." "See?" "That's what happens when you get me to do a bit of management." "And you're gonna go along with all of this?" "Well, we ain't got much choice, have we?" "The genie's out of the bottle now." "Not only that." "Rock Sound have asked us to do a live gig on TV." "Weapons of Happiness?" "No." "Single Shots." "Well, now they've got Weapons of Happiness." "This is the sound of tomorrow calling" "Revolution will be starting in your living room" "We don't need you anymore." "What?" "What?" "Just like that, out of nowhere, you just spring that one on us, do you?" "Sorry." "You'll get your cut of royalties." "Told you there, didn't I?" "What did you expect?" "Well, I didn't expect anything bad from him, did I?" " What's that supposed to mean?" " I don't know, mate." "I'm just a dancing monkey, aren't I?" " Is this about me and your mom?" " No, you listen." "You keep my mom out of it." "I don't know what you think I did to her, but if you've got something to say, just come right out and say it." "What is the point, mate?" "It's all just water under the bridge, isn't it?" "It's not as if I didn't care about her situation." "Yeah, but you weren't there!" "You were not there for long enough to find out if the baby was yours or not!" " I was in no position to be a dad, was I?" " Why?" "Why not?" "I was a rock star!" "I wanted to smash up hotel rooms, didn't I?" "I wanted to take drugs, get girls, not push around a pram and change nappies!" " What do you want from me?" " My dad." "Well, I'm not!" "I want to be no one's dad, so go away!" "Yeah." "Fucking..." "Fuck off, mate!" "You wanker, Johnny!" "Whoa!" "So, great to be back in a limo, eh?" "You guys, eh?" "Congratulations for pulling off such a rock and roll swindle." " You had us all fooled." " Well, not just you, was it, Jimmy?" "Everybody in showbiz." "Everyone, wasn't it?" "It was everyone." "Which is why we won't be making the information public." "You won't be making the information public until it goes to number one?" "Oh, no." "We won't be making the information public ever." "Hang on a minute." "What about Rock Sound TV?" "We booked a place live." "Kids can't play." "Oh, no, no." "The kids will go ahead performing their hit single, as they were planned to do, and just mime to it." "Whoa." "No, no." "You can't do that." "It's our song." "Well, technically, it's not." "As you'll see from the paragraph 5C of the contract signed and agreed to by Mr. Johnny Jones, the music delivered to Circ Music Publishing was the product of Dave Peacock and Johnny Sprot, aka Fly and Zed," "Flora Griffin and Joel "Drainpipe" Richards." " It says all that?" " Furthermore, 'm paragraph 7 A, and public disavowal of said authorship will be considered evidence of fraud and compensatory action will commence immediately." " What's that mean?" " It means that if any of your were to make this information public, we'd sue for fraud." "We'd seize every penny in your bank account, your cars, your houses, and, Johnny, the shoes off your very feet." "We got rid of the kids." "Oh, dear." "Well, you better get them back..." "Pretty quick." "Well, thank you for coming in, gentlemen." "And thank you, Mr. Bourne, for bringing it to my attention." "My assistant will see you out." "I'll keep hold of a couple of these, if you don't mind." "I've got very good lawyers as well, who you'll all be hearing from." "Is there anything else, Mr. Bourne?" "What do you think?" "I'm getting on the train." "Robbie, lend us a couple pounds to get on, mate." " Yeah, me too." "I'm skinned." " Piss off." "Make your own way home." " This is all your doing, this is." " My doing?" "Yeah." "You knew this was gonna happen." "How'd we end up with all the rubbish while your kid gets all the glory?" "I ain't got a kid." "And if he is mine, I don't want him." "It was your big mouth that ruined everything." "Yeah." "I wanted to be honest." "Oh, yeah." "You just wanted to make a quick buck." "Which we would've done if we hadn't have listened to all your virtual band bollocks." "It was a great plan, and it worked perfectly." "Oh, yeah, it was perfect if you mean giving away all our hard work for nothing perfect, just like last time, mate." " Oh?" "What's that supposed to mean?" " Your great big ego, Johnny!" "I mean, why didn't you give me and Griff one track?" "Just one track on the album?" " Didn't write any!" " We did." " They weren't good enough!" " Who says?" "I said!" "Fans said!" "Minto said he sung at Wembley!" " What a load of crap!" " Listen!" "Listen." "The only reason you split up the band, right, is because you thought you'd make more money if you had a solo career, and the truth of the matter is, Johnny, it was a bag of shite." "Minto, fuck you!" "I know you son of a...!" "You always were like that!" "I don't know why I should have to deal with you lot!" "The record company know everything, and I'm the only legitimate manager!" "I don't even have to bother with you ever again!" "I never did!" "Piss off!" "Hey!" "Jules, love, all rock stars poke groupies." "If you don't know that, God help you." " It's just..." " Find out where the woman lives and go and talk to her." " Tell him I'm coming with you." " No, you ain't, mate." "Listen, there ain't no room for you in our posh hotel in London that they're paying for while we do The Rock Sound Show." "Listen to me." "I'm the manager." "I make the decisions." "You have to cancel." "It's live." "You can't play." "It's three chords, Johnny, not brain surgery." "We've been practicing." "We've got five songs out of these three chords." "Yeah, Jimmy agrees with us." "We make our own decisions until your contract runs out." "This ain't fair." "You can't do this." "We're rock musicians, man." "We just want to trash hotel rooms and bite the hand that feeds." "Here on Rock Sound TV, this week in the studio:" "popular new Welsh band The Single Shots." " All wankers." " What do you think?" "These guys are destined for great big things." "And that lead singer's a bit of a hottie." "Well, there you have it." "We predicted a hit." "Thanks Riley." "Thanks, Carol." "Stuff of legends." "Creating a fan base as devoted as any religious cult." "It's just so..." "It was amazing the way in media with a spine-tingling after growth." "Tonight, in a special session, we meet the band, but most exciting, is they'll be performing especially for you." "That's the truth." "I don't know if Johnny is his father." "Oh, God." "Oh, no, listen." "Listen." "Do you know what?" "There were so many of them," "I don't even remember." "I just know he had that ridiculous spiky hair, and there was this..." "I don't know." "Honestly, no memory." " Oh, God." " Look." "I've got cheese." "Have some cheese." "And there's som..." "mate, look at this." "Cranberries in it." "Absolutely delicious." "And this one..." "Do you want some?" "It's all right." "I think I'm going to be sick." "Oh, Jeez." " Sorry." " It's okay." "I'm sorry." "Oh, deer." " John." " Yes?" "Can you bring up a cup of tea" " and a big pretzel with mustard on it?" " Yep, will do." "How can I bring another child into the world?" "My life is a total mess as it is without this dragging me down." "Look." "It's a baby." "It's not a jail sentence." "And less work than Minto or even Griff when he was on the sauce." "Same amount of shit and puke, though." "Girls." " Johnny, I thought you were rehearsing." " I'm so sorry." "I need to say something." "Wait." "I'm totally chaffed that you're pregnant." "That's wonderful, Johnny, but you might want to include Trixie in this." " You've met before." " Hey, sweetie." "What are you wearing?" "You look like me dad." "I just thought it might be an idea for us women to get together to discuss family matters." "I tell you what." "You've done really well." "What a lovely bird she is." "Oh, babe." "I think we've said everything we need to say, really." "Haven't we?" "Is there anything you want to add to the conversation?" "I'm willing to accept that I am Drainpipe's father." "Well, thanks for that, Johnny, but I don't think me husband or me two kids would like that." "Think you'd drag us down." "Listen." "You got me number." "Haven't you?" " I have, yeah." " All right, darling." "Come on." "I'll see you out." " Cheerio." " Bye, Johnny." "See you, darling." "So what are you going to do about all this?" "I want you, me, the baby to be a family." "I've got myself a proper job." "I want our baby to grow up in a nice place with..." "I wasn't talking about that." "I'm talking about the band." "I'm talking about the Weapons of Happiness and the single." "Are you going to blow your cover to the public or not?" "They'd take us for everything we've got." "We haven't got anything, Johnny." "We spent it." "I've got one foot in the nursing home game now, right?" "I'm going to work for Robbie." "What's happened to you?" "What happened kid who used to just stick to your fingers about everything." "I've got three mouths to feed now." "If you turn into a bore, I'll get you out of it because we'll leave you." "I want you to be part of a band again." "About this responsible father business." "Listen, you've done your responsible bit by getting me up the duff." "Honestly, working in a care home." "The poor patients." "You go back to what you're good at, yeah?" "That's your music." "You just get this ridiculous suit off." "You look like a politician." "Pile of shit, ey?" "45 quid." " You rat." " Okay." "I got it." "It's not too late." "The show's not on for six more hours." "We go to London, break in the studio, hijack the show." " What, on live television?" " Yeah, a double rock and roll swindle." "We play the song ourselves, take back what's ours." "Well, Circ will sue us for everything we've got if we do that." "They're as guilty as we are." "They ain't got a leg to stand on." "I worked hard to rebuild my life after the band split up." "Yeah, I know you did, mate." "I know you did." "But we going to let some poxy record company dictate to us, push us about?" "I say we go and smash it." "Never mind bite the hand that feeds." "We go and bite their fucking heads off." "I hate the nursing home business." "It reminds me of bald cabbage." " Come on." "We'll take my car." " Brilliant, mate." " Who will pay the petrol?" " A bit skinned." "I think I can cover it." "Minto." " Let's do it." " You know it." " What are you doing?" " I've lived here for 20 years." "It's the Single Shots." "How's it going?" "Free rock and roll." "No, no, no, don't stop here." "They'll see us on security." "All right." "All right, lads." "Johnny Jones." "Weapons of Happiness." "Sorry, it's off limits." " We're famous." " Take it up with the bookers." "We've been on the charts loads of times." "First back in '79." " I was born in 1987." " Fucking squirt." "Single Shots coming up." "Listen." "I've got an idea." "That was your plan, ey?" "Kick him in the goolies?" "Well, it worked." "Didn't it?" "Hey!" "Split up!" "Security, Contact the gate immediately." "Repeat, immediately." "This is a security alert." "Please be on the lookout for four middle-aged men." "I repeat." "Four middle-aged men." "Split up means go different directions." "Security breach..." "be on the lookout for four out-of-shape middle-aged blokes." "Middle aged?" "I'm not middle aged." "Bollocks." "I got one of these old geezers." "I'm not a fucking old geezer." "All right?" "Fuck." "Oh, there's no need to be spiteful." "Really?" "Because I always prefer the sort of hairspray-and-mousse combo." "Shit!" "Drainpipe, stop!" "Drainpipe!" "Drainpipe, "dd UP!" "Johnny!" "Johnny!" "Three, two, one..." "And this is the band we've all been waiting for." "It's The Single Shots with "Free Rock And Roll."" "One, two, three, four!" "Free rock and roll, free rock and roll" "Free rock and roll, oh" "Free rock and roll, free rock and roll" "Free rock and roll, oh" "Go for the throat, oh, destroy the system" "Smash it all up, lose control" "Start a revolution in your livin' room now" "Justice!" "It's Johnny Jones!" "Fuck it." "That's my song, mate." "The Single Shots..." "Stop." "Hey, stop." "Stop." "Stop, mates." " I said cut to the fucking advert!" " Stay live!" "Whoa, mate." "Sorry, ladies and gentlemen, but we've got..." "There's no reason for us to play this here." "You know?" " Shut him up!" " This is..." "This isn't our music." "This isn't our words." "We're just miming." "Johnny Jones is the legend behind this song." " Shut him up!" " This is all just an image." "Because this record label don't have imagination." "It's like a bar of soap, just priced and packaged." "All this stuff is pretty funny, eh?" "You just take it." "You don't ask any questions." "You don't care about the truth." "And that ain't punk spirit." "Shut him up!" "Johnny Jones taught us what punk spirit is." "Cut!" "Cut to something else!" " It's my song!" " This one's for you, Johnny." "Sat down like chewing gum on the bottom of your feet" "You're holding me down, you're so sticky and so sweet" "I don't know why you think you're in control" "You're all right, babe." "As everyone knows, if I could just go home" "Nothing goes the same" "So why don't you go on back to your hide y ho" "Oh, oh, oh, oh" "Go on back today" "Yeah!" "Treat me like a plastic tube, whoa, oh, oh, oh" " Calm yourself down." " This is the sound of!" "The sound of tomorrow that's calling!" "The sound of tomorrow that's calling!" "Thank you." "Thank you." "Hey, could happen." "What's up?" "Cheers, mate." "How are they?" "Yeah, yeah." "All right, yeah." "Good for now." "Half old, half new." "None shaggable, but that ain't your concern." "Is it?" " No." " No." "You know, like me, you, and your mum, all that." "Oh, no, no, no, don't worry." "Don't worry, you know." "I knew you weren't in any position to be a dad." "Listen." "If I was your dad..." "If I am..." "If I am really your dad, well, what I got to say is," "I couldn't be prouder of you for what you did." "It was the most sort of irresponsible but tremendous right thing I've ever seen." "So, you know." "Well, look." "If you ever need help with your band, right," "I'm always there for you." "Okay?" " Yeah." " All right." "Let's get on, then." "Hello there." "All right." "Let me introduce you to the man who's been like a dad to me." "Ladies and gentlemen," "I give you Johnny Jones and the Weapons of Happiness!" "We're the Weapons of Happiness." "One, two, three, four!" "Free rock and roll, free rock and roll" "Free rock and roll, oh" "Free rock and roll, free rock and roll" "Free rock and roll, oh" "Go for the throat, oh, destroy the system" "Smash it all up, lose control" "Start a revolution in your livin' room now" " Free rock and roll - 'Cause you can do" " Free rock and roll - 'Cause you want to" " Free rock and roll" " Don't be afraid to" "Bite the hand that feeds you, spit it out" "Free rock and roll" "Free rock and roll"