"I went to see Patricia yesterday to ask her permission to see you." " What did she say?" " She said it's fine." "You're gonna call her?" "Patricia just can't stop talking about the *** one." " Did you take the test?" " Are you worried about me?" "I'm still waiting for the results." "This is Isabel. 1970." "I like to remember my mother just like this." "She still wanted to..." "To look her best." "I know what you're talking about." "You told me that your mother always wore her signature red lipstick." "I never told you that." " Patricia told you that." " I apologize, if you're upset." "I don't want to be confused with my sister." "I have no one in my life who is willing to help me and that obviously includes you." "So..." "Swarthmore is due on Friday." "Hey." "And then barnard and vassar are next Wednesday." "Then it's Sarah Lawrence, Santa Cruz," "Hampshire, oberlin and tufts all by the 15th." " It's insanity." " I'd skip Santa Cruz..." "Too sunny." "You could come visit." "And, you know, you could get some fresh air." "You could hit the beach, you know." "You could even go surfing." "Oh yeah, that's me all right." "Yeah, surfing..." "That's a good one." "Listen, thanks for... thanks for driving Max back." "Sure." "So how was he?" "How was his mood?" "I didn't spend that much time with him, but he seemed good." "He said D.C. was awesome." "D.C.?" "He went to D.C.?" "With Steve, on Saturday." "Didn't he tell you?" "Uh, no, he didn't mention that." "Yeah, Steve took Max to see this calder exhibit at the national that they've been wanting to see." "Is that weird for you?" "No, it's fine." "It's fine." "It doesn't exactly fit with what Max has been saying about Steve." " What's he been saying?" " Nothing much." "Just that he finds Steve more or less repulsive, borderline demonic." "What do you think of their relationship?" "I don't know." "I mean, you know, the first brunch was slightly awkward." "Max told Steve he thought his house looked like a giant habitrail." "But then, you know, things just..." "It's okay, Rosie." "I mean, I..." "I'd prefer that they got along together." "Yeah, I think they just like connect" " on the art thing, you know?" " Mm-hmm." "Like Steve has that studio in his house." "And he's been teaching Max drafting, you know." "He has those like side-by-side desks thingies that are slanted." "Yeah." "You should get going." "I don't want you driving after dark." "You know Max loves you, dad." "He came to live with you." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Okay, so send me your essay on Friday... unless Steve's got that covered too." "Dad." "I'm just kidding." "Anyway, I love you." "Love you too." " Seat belt." " Yeah yeah." "No talking on the phone when you're driving, okay?" "Love you." "Love you too." "You cut your hair." "It's different." "It's lighter." "Darker, for the play." "It's very..." "very becoming." "Well, it's becoming Maxine, not me." "You know, I look in the mirror, wear the shirt." "It helps me to find her reality." "Not that that reality is all that different than my reality, but..." "What do you mean?" "She's recently widowed, all alone in the world, sex-starved." "You know, I am..." "Well, there are overlaps." "Overlaps?" "Do you think that has anything to do with why you might be struggling with your lines?" "Maybe." "So how..." "how did the week go?" "Fine." "Any lapses?" "Not really." "You left here last week and you were terrified that you were going to fail in front of the audience in the theater." "Yeah well, there are still moments when I'm onstage that I worry about stumbling on this scene or that, but I manage." "I get through." "Is one of those scenes the one you asked me to read with you last week?" "You were pretty angry when you left." "No, I understood why you kicked me out." "Kicked you out?" "Yeah, it was inappropriate." "You were not comfortable." "Well, that's..." "that's true." "But the way I remember it, you stormed out of the room." "How do you remember that moment?" "I asked you to run lines and you refused to help me." "I felt sorry for you." "Really?" "Yeah, I mean it must be strange, you know, treating someone like me." "You mean somebody famous like you." "You know, ultimately it's not that interesting to read a scene, so..." "Is that something that you've been feeling... that your work isn't that interesting?" "Because you have spoken about it passionately in the past." "Yeah well, there are times." "Would you like to talk about one of these times?" "No." "Well, it's just that I would..." "I'd like to understand what it is that you are experiencing, what you're feeling." "I've never done it, so I'm curious." "Well, you know I felt really disconnected all that time in rehearsal." "And this week... this week in previews," "I really felt like I understood something new about what I... what she needed, you know, in a moment." "And it just clicked into place." "It was..." "Well, I was totally in time..." "Present." "Maybe it was just the haircut." "And this feeling of feeling present..." "Was it momentary?" "No, it lasted till the end." "And it was palpable." "I mean, the applause was..." " What?" " Loud." "That must have felt good." "Think of where you were." "You were terrified." "You were dreading the week of previews." "Then the play goes on." "It's a success." "You make this connection." "You must feel a satisfaction." "What happens between then and now?" "I go home." "The apartment's dark." "The fridge is empty." "I open a can of soup." "It's a nasty hangover... my life." "Do you want to come to opening night?" "I have a set of tickets and I was just thinking, you know, why don't you just come?" "Why would you want me there?" "I don't know." "You sound interested, so..." "Any other reasons?" "You could see that I'm good." "Well, I know that." "Why?" "Because I've seen your films." "Which ones?" "All of them." "Anyway, you've never seen me onstage, right?" "No, I ve not seen you onstage." "So there you go." "You could come and see what it is that I do." "I mean, is that so strange?" "You just said you wanted to..." "It's not strange at all." "But I'm gonna have to say no." "Okay, well, is that because of me or some policy or...?" "Well yes, it is a kind of policy." "I think that..." "I think that it would interfere with the work that we're trying to do here in this room." "But please don't take that personally." "No, that's fine." "I understand." "I'll sell them on ebay." "You were considering inviting Patricia." "Did you do that?" "Why not?" "Have you spoken to Patricia this week?" "I did what you told me to do." "What did I tell you to do?" "You told me that it wasn't too late to make amends." "So I went to her and I apologized." "For telling her not to be an actress." "She didn't even know what I was talking about." "She hardly remembered being in that play." "You know, I told her that I thought she was wonderful and that it was wrong of me to dissuade her." "And she said, "oh, don't worry about that."" "And then she thanked me." "She said, "I don't know how you bear all that bullshit."" "She said I saved her." "And then... this is this best... she said," ""I'm glad I got to lead a real life."" "A real life..." "can you believe that?" "It must have been hurtful." "You think?" "Humiliating." "I mean, I was trying to apologize." "And did you tell her that?" "That it felt painful?" "Of course not." "And can I ask why?" "She's sick, Paul." "I went there to make amends, not pick a fight." "I..." "I..." "I wajust aware that you felt guilty." "I thought that talking to Patricia might be helpful." "I'm sorry it wasn't." "At least now I know what she thinks of me, what she thinks of the life I chose." "What do you think of the life you chose?" "The last time we spoke I had the feeling that you are very invested in the way other people see you and your sister's judgment has..." "It's clearly had a big impact on how you view yourself." "Look, you know," "I understand that tricia wouldn't want my life anyway." "All my conctions are, you know, fiction." "Maybe they always have been." "Do you really believe that?" "I mean, when you met Russell, you told me that you had a really deep connection with him." "Yeah well, I think we did at first." "I just..." "I always felt like I had to prove myself to Russell." "Prove yourself?" "Yeah, to Russell and his friends..." "You know, these academics, shrinks, political scientists." "I always thought they were gonna see right through me." "And what do you think they would see?" "That there's no there there." "That's what Russell used to say about L.A." "You were afraid that that's how Russell saw you, and his friends..." ""no there there."" "Yeah, Russell's shallow actress wife." "Oh, but how the fuck would they know?" "They've never come to a performance either." "Are you upset with me because I said I wouldn't come to your play?" "You invited me to an important event..." "Your opening night." "And I thank you for that." "But isn't there somebody else you'd like to ask instead?" "We talked about tricia." "What about izzy?" "Isn't she someone you'd like to take with you?" "Have you thought about asking her?" "No, that would require us to be in the same building." "Well, surely you know that the relationship with izzy will survive this teenage angst." "I'm not sure about that." "I know it may not feel that way, but..." "You know, sometimes I think that having a teenager is like going to the dark side of the moon." "The person that you know and that you love just disappears." "And you just have to trust that eventually they will come back." "Maybe different, but they will come back." "Did that happen to you?" "Yes, with my daughter, yes." "Yeah." "Yeah well, I'm still reading my daughter's emails, so..." "I don't know." "It's an addiction, you know?" "Like a junkie just waiting for hits of information about my own kid." "You know, she signs some of them "Isabel" now." "I mean, when did she become Isabel?" "You might be curious to know that her and young Miller have not yet had sex." "They talk about it, however, all the time." "I kind of want to tell her," ""try to preserve some of the mystery."" "But I want to tell her a lot of things." "She did say something nice." "Miller had seen a movie of mine on tv and he said, "your mother was amazing."" "And izzy wrote back, "she is amazing."" "Were you surprised by that comment?" "Oh, it was a silly movie." "I got good enough revws, but it wasn't my best work." "What I meant was, were you surprised that izzy would compliment you like that?" "She wasn't speaking of me." "She was speaking of the performance." "Izzy revealed how she felt in that email." "She said something very kind about you." "She said you were amazing." "But you dismissed her comment." "I've noticed that again and again you put yourself down with remarkable consistency." "And the more success you have, the more applause you get for playing other people, the more convinced you are that you have nothing to offer as yourself." "When I said before that I didn't have anyone to be there for me at the opening..." "I think what I mean is that I'd really like for my mother to be able to be there." "You know, I've done a lot of movies since mother died, but this will be the first time that I'll be onstage without her watching." "You really do miss her, don't you?" "Well, it was really like a special light that shone just on me when she was in the audience." "I mean, she came to everything even when I was a kid." "And then when I moved to New York, she used to take the train up." "And I flew her to London for the weekend." "She sat through all four performances." "That's nine hours of Beckett." "Well, that's love." "Even at the very end..." "I had a premiere here in town." "And she just didn't want to miss it." "She was so sick by then, she was in and out of the hospital." "But she insisted." "And tricia had to bring her." "I remember she wore this amazing blue gown." "It had this, like, plunging neckline." "And she wore, of course, her red lipstick and a black wig with this classic updo." "She handled herself beautifully." "She charmed the hell out of everyone." "I mean, it was hard to believe she was sick, let alone dying." "We went back to the hotel afterwards." "I'd gotten this great room with a view of the park and..." "Ordered champagne..." "Just a great time." "It was..." "It was the last time I saw her." "But you told me that you were going back and forth to the hospital a lot." "I know that's what I said, because honestly that's what it felt like inside." "I've been telling myself that story for so long..." "That you've convinced yourself that it's true." "I mean, when she came to New York, she looked so much better." "I thought..." "I don't know what I thought." "Well, maybe you wanted to remember her like that." "I hated to see her in that bed." "That was not her." "You said that you felt out of place at the hospital." "Oh, I was inept." "What do you mean, you were inept?" "She was in pain." "I wanted to help, you know, so I put on her makeup, 'cause that's what I know how to do." "And then?" "The meds would wear off and she would start to scream." "I couldn't do anything." "Nothing." "I..." "I threw up." "I vomited in the sink at the hospital." "Tricia said it got even worse after the premiere." "She, I think, blamed me, you know, for pushing her too hard." "New York was exhausting." "Why did I need her to be at this ridiculous premiere?" "Did she really say that?" "We're back on familiar ground really, aren't we?" "You think that Patricia blames you, that she's punishing you." "And you blame yourself." "In the end tricia told me that mom was delirious in the hospital." "She was talking about her daughters, you know..." "How much she loved us, her little angels, her sweethearts." "That was the word she always used... sweethearts, her best girls." ""I love you, my daughters, my best girls, my angels."" "She was talking as if both of us were there." "But..." "I wasn't there." "I wasn't there." "I never said goodbye to her." "My mother..." "She just must have been so disappointed by me." "But your mother didn't know you weren't there." "She couldn't have been disappointed." "You were one of her best girls." "She was your biggest fan." "She was so proud of you." "That feeling of disappointment comes from you." "20 years ago you were afraid you didn't have the strength, the heart to see your mother through her death." "You were so afraid, you didn't even let yourself show up." "Now your sister is dying and you're terrified again." "Are you afraid that what Russell thought of you is true..." "That there's no there there, hmm?" "I think it's really important that you answer this question on your own:" "What is, or what isn't there, inside... inside you?" "Apart from your mother, your sister, your ex-husband, me, nobody in the audience..." "How do you, Frances, measure your own worth?" "It's time, right?" "Just give me a moment." "Wow, okay." "This is just gonna have to do, isn't it?" "Wow, okay." "Oh, Paul, last week when I left there was somebody in the waiting room." "I really don't want to see anyone." "Oh good." " See you next week." " Yeah." "I forgot to tell you that I got the results of the brca1 test." "I haven't opened them yet." "It'll give us something to talk about next week."