"Oh, don't you look nice?" "Yeah, Frasier wanted me dressed up for this mystery lunch of his." "He hasn't told you what the occasion is, either?" "No, but I'm sure it's something very important." "I'm sure he wants to unveil his new antique Elizabethan egg timer." "Yeah, or debut his Precolumbian spoon rest." "Hello, all." "MARTIN:" "Hey." "Well, Dad, I see you're ready to roll." "Yeah." "Can you at least tell us what kind of restaurant you're taking us to?" "Patience, Dad." "Roz'll be here in a few minutes, then we'll be off and all will be revealed." "So, how did it go with the doctor?" "Judging by that smile on your face," "I'm guessing your cholesterol's down." "Well, after several weeks of watching my diet and taking my medication and race walking every Tuesday, it hasn't budged." "The good news is, though, that I've developed bursitis to help take my mind off of it." "The doctor says it's all just a matter of aging." "Well, no reason to let it ruin our festive lunch." "Yeah..." "Boy, you don't forget that trip to the doctor, do you?" "That day he says, "There's nothing I can do for you." "You're just getting old, sport."" "In my case, it was "slugger," but that was the gist." "You know what I realize?" "When people reach our stage of life..." "Dad, please, with all due respect, when it comes to life's journeys, you and I do not share a stage." "We're not even in the same theater." "You're taking this all very cheerfully, Dr. Crane." "(doorbell rings)" "Well, why shouldn't I?" "In many ways, my life couldn't be better." "I mean, by and large," "I'm in good health." "There's a promising new relationship on the horizon-- the lovely Rachel." "My career is thriving." "Did you say "thriving" or "diving"?" "What?" "Look at these ratings." "Oh, Roz, that's nothing to worry about." "For God's sakes, they're just leveling off." "Yeah, that's what tends to happen when you hit bottom." "There's no cause for alarm here, Roz." "The important thing is that we go on doing a quality show." "Hey, how about some quality lunch?" "Splendid idea, Dad." "Off we go, then." "Oh, uh, Niles will be joining us there." "(cell phone rings)" "Excuse me." "Hello?" "Ah, Rachel, yes, uh... momentito." "So, is Donny going to be joining us?" "No, he's got wedding business this afternoon." "He's composing our vows." "Oh, isn't that romantic?" "He's not exactly Wordsworth strolling through a shady glen." "When I left, he was lying on the couch in his underwear with a tin of Vienna sausages and a rhyming dictionary on his chest." "Remember that new promising relationship on the horizon?" "Yeah." "It just got married in Vegas last night." "(groans)" "Great, then you don't have a date for Daphne's wedding?" "Oh, I'll find a date, don't worry, Roz." "Lunch awaits." "Hey, great." "Why don't we go together?" "No, Roz, I assure you." "My dance card will be punched." "By who?" "Well, I don't know right now." "It's just that I will be "Crane plus one."" "Uh-huh." "Just in case you don't get a date, what time would you pick me up?" "I'm getting a date." "Well, just in case." "I'm getting a date." "What time are you picking her up?" "3:00." "Can you make it 3:30?" "I'm getting a date!" "(indistinct chatter)" "DAPHNE:" "So, what's the big occasion?" "Wait for it, Daphne, let the moment build." "Besides, Niles hasn't arrived yet." "I'd be surprised if he came." "He's terrified of this place." "Still?" "My God, it's been 30 years." "What happened?" "Oh, Esther and I brought the boys here when they were kids, and Niles was running around, and he bumped into the dessert trolley, and Stefano got hot and yelled at him, and Niles got terrified and he... well..." "He vomited." "Right." "All over Stefano's shoes." "Then he ran out, hid behind the car, and he hasn't been back in here since." "Poor little weenie." "Hey, Dr. Crane!" "Buon giorno, buon giorno, buon giorno!" "Oh, good to see you, Stefano." "How are you?" "Allow me to introduce you to Daphne Moon..." "STEFANO:" "Yes, yes." "And my father, Martin, you remember, of course." "Yes, hi, how are you?" "This is..." "Hey, we all know Roz." "All right." "For today, we've got some special dishes." "For you, Dr. Crane-- porcini, fresh from Napoli." "Oh." "And for me?" "Giorgio, fresh from Sicily." "Can I get him to go?" "You bet." "Okay, now, I'm going to be waiting on you myself today." "You just give me a minute, I come back." "Grazie." "(cell phone ringing)" "Excuse me." "Hello?" "Yes, hello, Niles." "Oh, really?" "Oh, what a shame." "Told ya." "No, that's all right." "If your patient is having a crisis, you'd better address it... before it turns into a crippling, immature, lifelong problem!" "You're not really mad at him, are you?" "Well, of course, I'm mad at him." "I'm certainly going to give him a piece of my mind at dinner tonight." "Tonight?" "Oh, I was hoping you could come to Alice's birthday party." "My balloon animal guy canceled, and I could really use your help." "I'm sorry, Niles made the reservations a month ago." "It's at Quelque Chose." "Fine." "Listen, if Niles isn't coming, maybe you can tell us what the big surprise is." "Oh, all right, I'll spill." "For over 60 years, Stefano's has immortalized" "Seattle's famous faces on its walls, as you can see." "With one notable exception." "It's me!" "Stefano's unveiling the portrait today." "Oh, how wonderful." "Hey, that's what I'll do for Alice's party" "I'll get a cartoonist to draw the kids." "That's an excellent idea, Roz, but let's not forget why we're here." "Does anybody have a toast?" "Okay, Dr. Crane, here it is." "My portrait?" "No, it's today's specials." "Of course, it's your portrait." "Would you like to say a few words or something?" "Well, uh, if you insist." "Before we unveil this picture, permit me to paint one of my own." "A picture of a young Frasier Crane, wide-eyed, gazing at the walls of Stefano's and wondering..." ""Who's that?"" "Well, little did I suspect that one day my picture would be on the wall, and perhaps now other children will come in, gaze at it, and wonder..." ""Who's that?"" "I'm betting that's going to happen a lot." "So, thank you, Stefano, for this honor." "Thank you for suggesting it." "And now... may I present Il Dottore!" "Dr. Frasier Crane!" "(gasping)" "Fras, will you let it go?" "It's a perfectly nice picture." "Oh?" "So, nothing about it jumped out at you as, oh, I don't know..." "encephalitic?" "So they gave you a big forehead." "Who cares?" "It makes you look smart." "It makes me look like I discovered fire." "Frasier, I was just leaving you a note apologizing for that flimsy excuse." "I'm sorry, just the thought of going back to that place got my stomach doing flip-flops." "Yeah, yeah." "Come on in, Niles." "Oh, by the way, Daphne, the doorman gave me this." "It's for you." "No, it's for Donny." "No, it's for "Mrs. Donny Douglas."" "Oh, funny, that's the first time I've seen my name like that." "Well, get used to it." "That's you in a couple of weeks." "So, how was lunch?" "What was the surprise?" "Don't ask." "The less said, the better." "They put his picture on the wall, and he thinks his forehead looks a touch too big." "A touch?" "!" "I look like a fugitive from Easter Island." "Frasier, you always think you look bad in pictures." "Niles, this is not some photo I can just throw away." "This is a picture of me in a famous restaurant." "God, I dreamed my entire life of being on that wall." "And now you are." "Are you really so vain that that's not honor enough?" "Vanity has nothing to do with it." "It's about misrepresentation." "And you know, if I were you, I would be careful about bandying about the word "vain,"" "Mr. $250 Haircut!" "I have problem follicles." "Frasier, it's a caricature." "They exaggerate stuff." "Now, if it were me, they would have drawn maybe a big cane." "If it were Niles, they'd draw a barber cutting the hair off a giant sucker." "I know you're sensitive about your big forehead, but we all have stuff like that." "With me, it's my eyes." "I've always fancied sparkling blue ones instead of dull old brown." "Your eyes?" "Your eyes are not dull." "Thank you, Dr. Crane." "That's very nice." "They're... they're..." "warm and, uh full of life." "You have beautiful eyes, too." "Oh, goodness." "I can't be lolly gagging around here, I have to... to get Dr. Crane his oat bran." "Oat bran?" "Now?" "You'll need it for the morning." "You've got to have something to sop up all that nasty cholesterol gumming up your heart." "If not, I'm liable to come home and find you face down on the floor with the dog gnawing off your foot, and I'm not making that up, either." "That happened." "Cheerio." "I wish she'd move that fast when I'm out of beer." "Well, I should be off, too." "Are we still on for dinner at Quelque Chose?" "Oh, yes, yes, of course, Niles." "You might want to call and confirm." "Yes, I'll make a mental note." "Well, be careful you don't lose it inside that giant puppet head of yours." "Good-bye, Niles!" "Giant puppet head, indeed." "Oh, let it go, Frasier-- what are you going to do, go down there and make him change it?" "Just accept it for the honor it is, that's all." "You know, I don't get you." "A doctor gives you bad news, you take it in stride but one bad picture..." "Yes, thank you, Dad." "Hello." "Yes, I'm calling about a reservation tonight." "For two." "Crane." "Well, what can I say, but I just love your food, Stefano." "I'm in the mood for Italian." "Will you come along, Niles?" "I'd really rather not." "I'm feeling queasy just standing here." "You can hardly see the picture from there." "All right, let's just be quick about this." "Hello, do you have a reservation?" "Uh, yes." "For Crane." "One moment." "You tricked me." "We'll just be here long enough for me to talk to Stefano, convince him to change the picture so it doesn't mock me for the rest of my life." "Frasier, the man has a violent temper." "He's already made me humiliate myself once." "Niles, I can't believe you're letting a minor childhood trauma like this plague you." "I have a feeling this may be the root of your fear of authority figures." "Listen, a nice, relaxing dinner here may go a long way toward helping you resolve this problem." "Dottore," "Dottore,how nice to see you again." "Stefano, good to see you." "And who is this gentleman?" "He looks familiar to me." "This is my brother, Niles." "Of course, you have the family forehead." "Come on." "Follow me." "Hey, Antonio, slow down!" "(yelling in Italian)" "What's the matter with you?" "Come on sit down, we got a nice table." "Oh, thank you." "Right under your picture." "Okay, tonight, no menus." "I'm going to take care of everything." "Except the bill, of course." "(laughs)" "Well, there it is." "Frasier Cranium." "Well, it does have a certain under-nuanced over-contoured..." "Macy's parade kind of quality, but... even so, you cannot ask him to change it." "The man will explode." "Not if I do it with the utmost tact." "Okay... here we are, antipasto." "Oh..." "Oh..." "Wonderful, Stefano." "You know, you certainly do have a way of making people feel comfortable." "I suspect that it would actually physically pain you to think that someone wasn't totally pleased." "What's wrong?" "Mm-mmm." "Well, actually..." "well, there is a... a tiny, tiny problem." "It's really about my picture, you see." "There is a small faction that thinks the forehead is too large." "What, this one?" "No, I love it." "As do I." "It's just that, well, I..." "I feel I might be more recognizable if the forehead were a tad smaller." "So you don't like it?" "It's not that." "It's not good enough for you?" "Yes, it is." "You want me to have it changed?" "Could you?" "How long is this going to take?" "Now, Niles, I was fortunate enough that the artist is actually here tonight." "I'm certainly not going to rush him." "Now, you better finish your lasagna." "You don't want to offend Stefano." "Offend him?" "So far tonight I have had the prosciutto di Parma, the pesto Genovese and the Venetian sea bass." "One more bite, and we'll conclude our little tour of Italy with my impression of Pompeii." "Hey, hey, look who it is." "They'll let anyone in this joint." "Hello, Kenny." "So what are you celebrating?" "Not your ratings, huh?" "I'm kidding!" "You got to kid." "If you don't laugh, you cry, right?" "So, did I hear a rumor you're going up on the wall of fame?" "Oh, yes." "As a matter of fact, they're putting the finishing touches on the picture right now." "Isn't that something?" "Hey, hey, hey, you better save some room." "Stefano goes crazy if you pass on his dessert." "My mother found that out the hard way on her 80th birthday." "He went off on her." "Called her a... skoonja-boonja or something." "The kids had it memorized for a while." "Well, enjoy." "STEFANO:" "Okay, Dr. Crane." "Hot off the easel." "Is this one more to your liking?" "Oh, my." "Is it better?" "Well, it's like looking in a mirror." "Okay, that's what I want to hear." "You know, this is the first time that anybody's ever asked for a change." "Beautiful." "You make me so happy." "I'm going to see how the steaks are coming." "Thank you." "Frasier, I hate to burst your bubble, but that picture looks absolutely nothing like you." "Well, well..." "I was wondering when Mr. Envy would pull up a chair." "Ah, Kenny, Kenny." "If I may, can I direct your attention to this caricature?" "Wow, look at that." "I am impressed." "I thought you might be." "James Garner eats here?" "James Garner?" "Well, I guess I can go sit down now." "My father-in-law just picked up the check." "I don't believe this." "I've waited my entire life to have my picture on this wall." "Now that it is, it's unrecognizable." "Well, not for long." "No." "Frasier, you are not going to ask him to change it again." "Niles..." "if this means so much to you, my girlfriend is a plastic surgeon." "She can have you looking like this picture in six procedures or less." "All right, here we are, boys, here we are." "Mangia bene." "Whoa!" "Thank you.Grazie." "You know, there's been something that's been bugging me all night." "Hey, shove over, will you?" "I know you from someplace, and I can't figure out where." "And it's driving me pazzo." "So, we got to figure this out together, okay?" "You and me, all right?" "You know, while you two are strolling down memory lane," "I have a quick errand I have to run." "I tell you what." "Save some dessert for me." "Frasier, Frasier..." "Uh, Roz..." "Frasier, I knew you'd show up." "Yes, well, of course." "You knew how much it would mean to me and Alice." "Oh, gosh, am I that transparent?" "Come on in." "Everybody, this is Frasier." "Hello, hello." "Hi." "Can I get you something?" "Jell-O?" "Lunchables?" "Pokemon punch?" "Do you have any coffee made?" "No." "That's perfect." "I mean, while you're making coffee, it'll give me some quality time with Alice." "Hey, no cuts." "I need a picture right away." "I'll tell." "Do you know who this is?" "This is the birthday girl." "If she wants a picture right away, she's gonna get a picture right away." "Now why don't you run along?" "All right, I think you're finished." "Here we are." "But I don't have any eyes." "Yes, well, neither did Little Orphan Annie and she's got her own Broadway show." "Now, go on, shoo." "Okay, fine." "I'm looking for something manly." "Go easy on the forehead and leave the kid out." "Niles." "Where the hell have you been?" "Stefano's been trying to place me for the last 40 minutes." "Was I ever in Panama?" "Did I sell him his first Lincoln?" "Do I have a box at the dog track?" "Why don't you just say "yes"" "and let that be the end of it?" "Oh, that's a good idea." "What's that?" "I went by Alice's birthday party." "I had the artist there draw me some new sketches." "Here." "What do you think?" "(gasps):" "I think you're insane." "No, Niles, it's not so crazy, really, just imagine." "Suppose that picture there should accidentally drop to the floor and tear." "You see, I could come back here tomorrow tell Stefano that I didn't want to put his artist to any more trouble and I had a new caricature done myself." "You see, I'm actually partial to this one here." "But there is one in here of me playing soccer which is very good." "Frasier... we'll put these away, and we'll pay the bill and we'll find a bed to strap you into." "No, no, no, Niles." "This can work." "It really can." "I promise you, it can work." "What is this?" "The pictures?" "It's nothing, it's no business of yours." "Off you go." "Stefano." "Shh." "Stefano!" "Mama, what is it?" "(speaks Italian)" "Dr. Crane, what is this?" "Oh, all right." "I may as well just tell you the truth." "The fact is, I don't really care for this picture, either." "It's just that I'm afraid your artist has lost his touch." "To be honest, I think he's robbing you blind." "I mean, my God, how much is this hack charging you?" "(cries)" "Mama, Mama." "Mama's the hack, isn't she?" "That's right." "(yelling in Italian)" "Son of a gun, get out of here!" "And don't ever come back!" "(yells in Italian)" "You, hold on one second." "Now..." "I remember you." "Oh..." "Bridgeport, Connecticut." "Yes." "Yes." "Right." "Yes." "My car got stuck in the rain and you saved my ass." "Yes, well, it was nothing." "Glad you remembered." "Let me show you how we thank you where I come from." "Well, suffice it to say, that the entire Crane family is now banned from Stefano's." "Just 'cause of that dumb picture?" "No, no, actually there was a little incident involving Niles, too." "He was doing just fine until Stefano took him in some sort of a bear hug and shook him a little too vigorously." "On the shoes again?" "No, this time there was a conveniently placed lobster tank." "Poor Niles." "Yeah." "Wasn't any picnic for the lobsters either." "What the hell is wrong with me, Dad?" "I became so obsessed with that damn picture" "I completely lost my head." "Well, I think I know what's really going on here." "Really?" "Well, enlighten us." "Well, I think there's some stuff in your life that you can't control." "Your doctor tells you you're getting old." "Your ratings are low." "You're not happy with your love life." "And so I think you obsessed about this picture because you figured it was something in your life that you could control." "Well, Dad, you do raise a point." "Oh, what the hell, you're dead on." "Where'd you learn so much about psychology?" "Oh, I listen to radio." "Gosh, it's so obvious, isn't it?" "You know, when a person is confronted with some deeply troubling issue that they're not ready to face yet they usually avoid the problem by obsessing about something else-- something completely trivial." "Got it." "Got what?" "Dr. Crane's oat bran." "God, you left for that eight hours ago." "Well, it wasn't easy." "They were out of it at the regular market so I went to another one." "But they were out of it so I looked into it and it turns out they don't sell it in Washington anymore." "Well, for some reason, I just couldn't let it go." "So I went for a little drive." "It wouldn't kill you to do something like that once in a while." "Get off that big, round duff of yours." "Anyway... hop, skip and a jump later... here it is." "Fresh from Portland." "Well, off to bed." "Good night." "What the hell was that?" "I don't know, what did she mean about that "big, round duff" comment?" "Now, Dad..." "You know, the sands of time don't exactly flow up the hourglass." "It's not easy for a guy our age." "Dad, for the last time, we are not the same age." "I mean, I've seen your hips start to spread..." "For Pete's sake, my hips have nothing to do with this..." "# Hey, baby, I hear the blues a'callin' #" "# Tossed salads and scrambled eggs #" "# Mercy #" "# And maybe I seem a bit confused #" "# Well, maybe, but I got you pegged #" "(laughing)" "# But I don't know what to do #" "# With those tossed salads and scrambled eggs #" "# They're callin' again. #" "Thank you!"