"(barking orders)" "(onlookers cheering)" "(women laughing)" "I told you we'd win after Alice Bingham made that last basket." "Gee, Sarge, you must be proud of your girls." "Second straight basketball championship in a row." "Wasn't Alice terrific?" "I don't know." "You don't know?" "I wasn't at the game." "But you had a date with Bilko to see the game." "I'm still waiting." "Oh, what a shame." "Well, I've stopped waiting." "Sergeant Hogan." "Yes?" "Sergeant Bilko told me to tell you that he's still held up on that emergency cleanup detail." "He'll get here as soon as he can." "Private Paparelli." "Come here." "Tell me about this detail." "Please, Sarge, I'm just supposed to tell you what I said, and then keep my mouth closed." "Oh, please..." "You can tell me." "Remember, I'm the sergeant who makes out your furlough papers, and I'm the sergeant who makes out your three-day passes, and it'd be so easy to forget how to spell your name, Paparelli." "Give!" "I gave my word." "My lips are sealed." "Besides, he'll kill me." "Good for you." "I was just testing." "I wanted to see how loyal Bilko's men were." "Besides, I know, anyway." "He spent a very busy afternoon with his three friends," "Sowici, Pendleton and Grover, in a crap game." "No, honest, it's a poker game!" "Of course, I meant poker game." "You'd be proud of him." "Sowici, Pendleton and Grover had the game fixed, they thought." "They put up a big mirror behind Bilko so they could see his cards." "While the three of them are looking in the mirror at Bilko's cards," "Bilko is looking at their hole cards." "He should have them cleaned out any minute." "Thank you for telling me." "Who told you?" "You knew." "(barks order)" "Guess who?" "I couldn't be less interested." "Oh, I love 'em when they try to fight off my charm, but it's a losing battle." "Sergeant Hogan, you are hereby ordered to accompany Sergeant E. Bilko on a tour of the better cocktail bars in Roseville, Kansas, followed, of course, by dinner at Antonucci's-- candlelight optional-- followed by a reconnaissance of the northeast corner" "of Military Area "B,"" "sometimes referred to as "Lovers Lane."" "Oh, no, no, I asked her first." "I'm sorry." "Well, my little symphony in khaki, how about it?" "Well, as a matter of fact, Sergeant Bilko, apart from that Lovers Lane detail, that's exactly what I'm gonna do." "Good girl." "Ready, Joan?" "Oh, you're right on time, Mike." "Well, let's go." "Wait a minute." "What is this?" "You had a date with me." "Yes, we had a date to watch the finals of the WAC Basketball Tournament." "Where were you?" "!" "Well, uh, you see, this business opportunity came up." "I heard all about that with the mirrors and everything." "That Paparelli can't keep his mouth shut." "I've had it, Ernie." "I'm tired of waiting around for some poker session to end." "I'm tired of waiting for a pool tournament to finish so we can go somewhere." "I'm tired of waiting around and being nothing but an interruption between your big operations." "Let's go, Joan, huh?" "You heard her, she's tired." "Go away, go away." "I'll be with you in a minute, Mike." "Right, Sergeant." "You're kidding." "You're not going with him, really?" "Why, Joan, you'll undermine the whole structure of the United States Army-- a sergeant going out with a corporal?" "That's how France fell." "Do you mind?" "All... all right, all right." "You pointed out to me where I was wrong." "You made your point." "I've learned a lesson." "Come on." "Let's go." "You don't seem to get the idea." "I'd rather go out with Mike." "You're kidding." "You'd rather go out with him than with me?" "Yes." "Oh, you-you-you... you m..." "you're ups..." "You would actually rather go out with... ugh... than with, uh...?" "Exactly." "You must be joking." "You would rather go with...?" "(chuckles)" "What has he got that I haven't got?" "HOGAN:" "You're looking at it." "Oh." "Oh, Ernie, I'm sorry." "It just slipped out." "It's all right." "All right, go!" "I didn't mean to say it." "It's good to find out that the girl I've admired, the girl I held on a pedestal is nothing but a hair lover!" "But Ernie, you got me so mad!" "Well, Joan?" "Ugh!" "Yechh!" "Ugh!" "Did you ever see anything so unsanitary?" "Well, if you're so crazy about hair, why don't you go out with a sheepdog?" "!" "Oh, Ernie." "Come on, Sarge." "Go on!" "And I'll tell you something else he's got that I haven't got and I never will have:" "dandruff!" "Give me the barbershop." "Barbershop?" "A shave." "A shave!" "Tony?" "Bilko." "I'll be there in ten minutes." "Ah, you're nothing but a bunch of hair lovers." "(women laughing)" "There you are." "Just what you asked for." "I don't know." "It still don't look like Rock Hudson." "Fleischman, be reasonable." "He's only a barber, not a plastic surgeon." "I gotta look good." "The Fort Baxter drama group is putting on South Pacific, and I'm doing the Pinza part, so naturally I..." "You're a... you're a doll." "You look like a doll." "Let's go." "Hey, you fellas gonna come see me in the show?" "Please." "Get lost." "Oh, they're too busy thinking up new tricks to play." "Ha-ha-ha!" "Ha-ha-ha!" "Ha-ha!" "The next guy laughs at me, so help me I'm gonna..." "You were gonna put one over on Bilko." "All right, forget it, forget it." "Our time'll come." "Sorry, Sergeant Sowici." "Sergeant Bilko just called and made an appointment." "Bilko?" "Bilko?" "Everything is Bilko!" "Bilko didn't join the Army." "The Army joined him." "Well, this is a gay little group waiting to greet me." "Very nice." "Say, just enough for a barbershop quartet." "Be a lot of..." "You keep forgetting your place, Sowici." "Up, up, up, up!" "Oh, turn blue." "Let me see, what would be a good thing for the quartet?" ""Jeanie." That..." "You do the bass." "# Jeanie, with the light brown hair #" "Oh, get off." "(higher voice): # Jeanie, with the light brown..." "I... #" "(harmonizing):" "# Dream of Jeanie... #" "Come on..." "Let's get out of here." "Boys, you want to wait?" "I'll be through in a minute." "A minute?" "Look, we know what happens when Bilko gets in that chair." "Yeah, first, you'll slop your newest hair-growing preparation on his head." "And then he takes a long nap until it dries." "Look, Tony, why don't you give up trying to grow fuzz on that cue ball?" "Cue ball!" "(all laugh)" "All right, all right, I have enough hair jokes for one day." "Get out of here." "Come on, fellas." "We'll wait outside." "So long, curly." "GROVER:" "So long, curly!" "(laughs)" "Isn't that funny?" "GI humor." "Fun on the post." "Ha-ha-ha!" "Sergeant, you're gonna laugh at all of them." "This time I think I put together just the right thing." "All right, Tony, enough is enough, huh?" "For seven years now you've been using my head for an experimental area." "But Sergeant, this time, I know..." ""This time"?" "It's always "this time."" "How many disappointments can a man take?" "For seven years you've been rubbing all kinds of concoctions up there." "What have I got to show for it?" "Your fingerprints." "But we mustn't give up hope." "There are roots under there." "I can feel 'em." "This formula will make us a million dollars." "Oh, sure, sure." "The only way I'll get hair up there is to let my eyebrows grow in and sweep it back." "You must have hope, Sergeant Bilko." "There, this will open the pores, and Tony's new Formula 76 will pull the roots up." "Okay, dream on, Tony, dream on." "Now just relax." "I'm going in the back and eat my lunch." "Okay." "Oh, Joan." "Someday, Joan, someday." "PENDLETON:" "Look at him in there, sleeping." "Probably dreaming up new ways to make monkeys out of us." "Once, just once, I'd like to turn the tables on him." "I'd like to make him the goat, for a change." "Thinking up a new gag to play?" "Yeah!" "All right, get off my back." "At least I'm trying to do something about it." "You guys just sit there waiting for it to come to you." "Hey, you guys coming to the play?" "Thanks." "We're not in the theater-going mood." "Hey, what's this?" "They're wigs for the play." "Hey, do these things stay on?" "Are you kidding?" "You can't get 'em off." "You put gum spirit in there, and then if you don't let 'em get wet, they'll stick like anything." "MAN:" "Hey, Kadowski!" "Yeah!" "Hey, you better put it back." "I gotta get going." "Oh, sure, sure, sure." "Hey, Kadowski, look." "Is that a P-37 or a P-38?" "KADOWSKI:" "Where?" "I don't see any planes." "Right up..." "Oh, those-those jets." "Voom, and they're gone." "MAN:" "Hey, Kadowski!" "Yeah, yeah, coming." "Why did you clip the wig?" "Yeah, maybe they need it." "Not half as much as we do." "Boys, this is it." "What is it Bilko wants more than anything else in the world?" "Our money." "No." "Next to that." "Hair." "Hair." "He's still asleep." "Now, listen." "We take this in, and I'll paste it on his head." "He'll think it's the real thing." "And then in front of the post, I'll tear this thing off, and the laugh will be terrific!" "(Grover laughing)" "But Grover, don't you give it away with that laugh of yours." "Oh, no..." "Now, quiet, now." "Shh, shh." "(stifled laughter)" "Oh, Joanie, when you run your fingers through my hair..." "(stifled laughter)" "Take it easy, will ya, Tony?" "Take it easy!" "(stifled laughter)" "(stifled laughter)" "What are you doing, Tony?" "Why don't you stop?" "(stammering)" "T-Tony!" "You want me, Sergeant?" "Tony, come in here right away!" "Ready for your shave?" "Tony!" "Get up." "Look at it." "It's true, isn't it?" "Sergeant Bilko, it's true, it's true!" "It's true." "I thought it was true." "It worked!" "It worked!" "It's a miracle." "After all these years!" "Let me look!" "Let me look!" "No, not too close." "They're young hairs." "Don't jostle 'em." "It's real, but I can't feel it when I pull the hair!" "That's because the roots are still numb." "We'll make a fortune." "I-I'll start bottling it." "You can handle the fac-factory." "50-50..." "I don't want any money, Tony!" "No money at all!" "This'll be my reward." "You're a genius, you understand?" "A genius!" "Why, in France, they'd build you a park." "Where's my hat?" "Where is it?" "Where are you going?" "Oh... this I gotta show to somebody." "Tony, I salute a scientist!" "You're brilliant!" "(Bilko whistling)" "Well, well, Sergeant Hogan." "I thought you were out for an evening of high living." "You knew this special detail caught me, and right at the gate." "Ah, well, those things happen." "That's Army life." "(chuckles)" "As long as I'm here," "I thought I'd pick up my duty roster." "It'll be ready Monday, like it always is." "Oh, yes, well, thought I might as well be prepared." "My goodness, it's hot in here, isn't it?" "(Bilko humming)" "Ernie, I'm terribly sorry about that crack I made the other day." "Forget it." "(humming continues)" "No, I really... (gasps)" "Your head." "Well, what-what-what is it, what?" "(stammering) Oh, you, oh, oh..." "What is it?" "What?" "What?" "You've got hair!" "Hair?" "Well, what?" "Well, Ernie, you've got hair!" "Of course I've got hair." "Everybody has hair." "I'm human like everybody." "I never heard such nonsense over a little bit of hair." "But you never had it before." "Maybe I never wanted it before." "Such a fuss about a little hair." "Is it real?" "Is it real?" "No, I bought it so I'd look dashing at the motor pool." ""Is it...?" Well, feel it, go on." "Oh!" "Girls, it's the real thing!" "Would you girls like to enjoy?" "Well, go, have fun." "Run barefoot through it." "Go on." "Enjoy yourselves." "Well, have your little pulses all come down to normal?" "Well, then now I can tell this little GI sorority something I've always wanted to tell them." "Eat your hearts out." "Well, I guess I'll go wash my hair." "I don't know what to do with it." "I may let it grow into a ponytail, who knows?" "# I dream of Ernie with the dark brown hair. #" "Oh, uh, I got Doberman and Gander working on that new jeep." "Oh, let me see that worksheet." "You better check with Sergeant Bilko on that." "I don't know what it is." "He's still down at the barbershop." "Oh, yeah?" "BILKO:" "Rocco!" "Henshaw!" "We're in the powder room, Sarge." "Over here." "Give me a hand with these." "Sure." "Hey, you must have bought out the..." "Hey, what's all this?" "Hair tonic?" "Shampoo?" "Home permanent?" "Hair dryer?" "I guess I overdid it, but all the things I've been dreaming of buying for years, there they are." "(chuckles)" "Well, guess I'll wash my hair." "(chuckles) His hair." "Always with the jokes." "He's a caution." "Hair!" "He's got hair!" "What?" "What's the big deal?" "He's got hair, so what?" "Sarge, you made it." "How did you do it?" "I don't know." "All I know, tonight when I lay my head on the pillow, there'll be something there besides skin." "Sarge, it's beautiful." "Well, think I'll wash my hair." "Shall we, gentlemen?" "Give me that towel, please." "Watch that water, watch it." "Don't make it too hot." "These are young hairs, you know." "You know what I was thinking about?" "Maybe for the beginning, I ought to wash it in milk till it's weaned." "(laughing)" "This yardbird..." "this yardbird tries to tell me that the best hitter in the league is..." "Hey, buster, you better beat it." "Sergeant Bilko don't like strange soldiers in our latrine." "Attention." "(barking orders)" "Sounds like Bilko." "Yeah, but from the eyebrows up he's a total stranger." "It's Bilko." "It's me, boys." "You like it?" "Feel it, feel it." "Sarge, I-I-I-I-I..." "Sarge, I'm so happy for you." "Wait till the post finds out about this." "Hey, Bilko's got hair." "Bilko has hair!" "(shouting excitedly)" "Water's all ready for your shampoo, Sarge." "Shampoo-- what a beautiful word." "Thought I'd never..." "Shampoo, shampoo." "Quickly." "You know my temper." "When I have hair, I go crazy." "All righty." "This is what I've been waiting for for years." "Good old shampoo." "Tony Curtis, watch out." "Careful now, they're very young hairs." "Now I got to get this shampoo rubbed in." "All right, give me the water now." "Here we go." "All right." "Rinse, rinse, rinse." "Gently, gently, gently." "Gently, attaboy." "That's a good boy." "All right, okay, that's fine." "Okay, all right, now." "Towel, towel, towel." "Towel, towel." "Come on, towel." "Quickly, towel." "Sarge?" "Yes?" "Hensh, you tell him." "Come on, boys, towel, towel." "No, you tell him." "Tell me what?" "Sarge, look in the mirror." "I..." "I'm a blonde." "There was something in that shampoo." "There was a bleach in it." "I'll sue that company..." "Sarge, Sarge, you ain't got any." "I ain't..." "I ain't got..." "Wha...?" "My hair." "Rocco, my hair." "Hensh, my-my hair." "Where's my hair?" "Here it is, Sarge." "It was just going down the drain." "Gee, that's-that's kind of funny, isn't it?" "Don't you get it?" "It's a joke-- "going down the drain."" ""Hair today, gone tomorrow."" "It's funny, you know what I mean?" "It's really..." "(sobbing): funny." "Aw, Sarge." "It's all right, Ernie." "I deserve it." "You're darn right it's all right." "I deserve it." "My vanity got the best of me." "It clouded all my thoughts." "Vanity." "Let that be a lesson to you." "You-You're... you're susceptible when you got vanity in you." "I should have known." "Now I remember now, in the barbershop." "Just falling asleep-- that idiot's giggle." "I remember." "I thought I was being..." "But Sarge, who would do anything like this to you?" "Hey, Sarge, Sowici, Pendleton and Grover are outside." "There's your answer." "I told them about your hair." "They want to see it." "Sarge, your hair!" "Paparelli, you didn't see anything." "I still got hair, you understand?" "Don't say a word." "I'm trusting you." "This is an order-- say nothing to anybody." "Out of here." "Come on, quick, my hat." "Quick." "Clean your glasses." "Wait, let me get rid of this." "And watch that." "Get that and dry it out." "Dry it out." "I'm going to have use for that again." "You understand?" "All right, Sarge." "I got it." "How do I look?" "All right?" "Yeah." "Fine." "Give me a comb." "A comb, a brush, anything." "Right." "Here, a brush." "All right, brush." "(humming tune)" "Ernie, we heard the wonderful news." "Oh, did you?" "A full head of genuine hair, huh?" "Eh, it's kind of a kick at that, isn't it?" "Gets in the comb." "May we take a peek?" "No, no, please." "I want to show it at the proper time." "Hey, fellows, I have a wonderful idea." "Why don't we throw a big party tonight in the dayroom?" "A sort of an unveiling, so the whole world" "can see Ernie's hair." "Ah, gee." "Gosh, that is a splendid idea, Andrew." "Party for me, fellas?" "Gee, it chokes me all up, you know?" "We'll invite everybody." "Ah." "Yeah, yeah." "The officers," "the whole camp!" "Yeah, we'll even have the guys come back from furlough, because this is something" "I don't want anybody to miss." "(Grover laughing)" "Oh, Grover, please." "Ernie, he's so carried away with happiness about you, he just can't keep it in." "You know, I really misjudged you guys." "You're really friends." "Oh, Ernie." "Ernie, your happiness is ours." "Oh, that's swell." "But I got to run." "I got some big news to tell Tony." "You can understand that-- big news for Tony." "See you later, fellas." "Excuse me." "He fell for it." "(laughing):" "Yeah... we did it!" "Can you see him now standing out there, taking off his hat, showing that phony hair, and then I come along and tear it off?" "!" "Bald head!" "I stomp on it." "Oh, that bald head!" "(raucous cackling)" "BILKO:" "Rocco, you make sure everybody's there." "Understand?" "Right." "Ernie!" "He went thataway." "Go on, go on, go on." "Ernie, I got to talk to you." "My, my, what a difference a little head of hair makes." "Now you're crawling, huh?" "Don't be ridiculous." "That has nothing to do with the way I feel." "Nothing, huh?" "Now that I have a head of hair, you're following me all over the post, but when I was like this, nothing, huh?" "Ernie, you... you..." "That's it." "That's the way it is." "Oh, Ernie." "It doesn't make any difference." "It doesn't?" "It's the same old Ernie." "Now, listen-- you stay right here, and I'll get my hat, and you'll take me for a cup of coffee to the PX." "Okay." "Oh, oh, no, no, no." "I got to meet the fellas." "This is very important." "It's a crap game." "No, no, no." "It's a poker session." "Will you listen?" "It's a pool tournament." "I know it!" "Will you listen?" "Now, trust me!" "You just be at the dayroom at 8:00, and you'll see what I mean." "Be there." "The same old Ernie." "280, 285, 290, 295, 300." "Just right." "$300?" "Thank you, Mr. Minelli." "Get ready to send more chemicals." "Boy, looks like you got something big." "Big? "Big," he says." "A million dollars!" "Tony, I got to see you right away." "Sergeant?" "Sergeant, take off your hat." "Come here, come here, Tony." "I wanna..." "Let me look, Sergeant." "Please, let me look." "Look, would you stop a minute, Tony?" "!" "Listen to me!" "Prepare yourself for a shock." "I knew it." "I knew it was too good to be true." "It was too good to be true." "It was so beautiful." "It was too young to die." "Look, Tony, it never died, it never happened." "It was a practical joke." "Practical joke?" "$300-- my life saving." "I bought solutions, bottles." "Sarge, 300 bucks." "Them dirty..." "All right, all right, I'll take care of this." "You're going to get your money back." "Don't worry about it." "Those mis... $300, huh?" "I want you to bottle 300 bottles of that stuff." "We're going to sell them at a dollar apiece." "You'll get your money back." "Shame on you, Sergeant Bilko." "We can't do that to people." "We ain't going to do it to people." "We're going to sell it to Sowici, Pendleton and Grover." "Sell it or no, they're going to plead with me to buy it." "But Sergeant..." "You leave it to..." "Now, do what I tell you." "300 bottles, you understand?" "300?" "Yes." "Here it is, Sarge." "I used a hair dryer." "All right, here." "Help me with this." "Right." "Everything all set up?" "All set." "Wait a minute." "You better make that 350 bottles." "After what you went through, you deserve a small profit." "We'll fix those creeps." "Oh, tangle with Bilko, will they?" "Ho-ho!" "350 bottles." "Do as you're told." "Are they in the dayroom?" "All set, Sarge." "Give me my hat." "All right." "Everything's going to be all right, Tony." "And so, we're all together this afternoon to show you that those rumors you've been hearing around the post are all true." "And we're gathered here this afternoon to honor one of our pals, a man who is finally getting what he deserves, your friend and mine, Ernie Bilko!" "(cheering and whistling)" "Thanks a lot." "Come on, Ernie." "Take off your hat." "All right." "(cheering)" "How about that!" "Gee, fellas, gals, I don't know what to say to you." "Oh, we understand, Ernie." "And I have been appointed to bare the facts." "Now, now, I know how you feel." "You're anxious to share this happiness with me." "And, after all, when you consider the things I pulled off on you guys..." "Well, we may pull something off on you, too." "(Grover laughing)" "Well, I want to thank you all for all your interest in this thing and everything, but..." "I also want to apologize, because Tony and I-- Tony, especially, who thought of this wonderful concoction of his-- well, we know it's going to make millions" "when we put it on the market." "On the market?" "Yeah, but I must apologize to all of you-- we can't let you in on it." "We have decided only the people who really need money and need it badly can be in it." "And so that's why we have the wonderful Widow Parker-- the grand old lady who does our laundry-- she's putting her entire life savings into this." "(cheering and applause)" "And you all know Gus Miller-- the blind newsboy who we love so-- he's putting all his money into this." "(applause)" "Ernie, you talked those people into putting money into that?" "$350 worth." "Talked them into it?" "I didn't have to talk to them at all." "This talked for me." "Ernie, Ernie, the Widow Parker?" "Gus Miller?" "Yeah." "They got to get their money back!" "Oh, they will." "The first 350 bottles we sell at a dollar a bottle, they'll get their money back." "But Ernie, what if they lose their money?" "Yeah." "S-Suppose it was all a trick." "A trick?" "How could it be a trick?" "I mean, who would do a thing...?" "Whoever it was who would... would pull a trick like this, well," "he'd be torn to pieces." "(crowd murmuring)" "I mean, anybody who would trick a dear old widow and a blind man-- it couldn't be." "I mean, it's a wonderful..." "Er..." "I'm so happy for these people." "Ernie?" "350 bottles?" "Yes, at a dollar a bottle." "Oh, they'll get their money back, I'm sure," "because..." "I'll take 100 bottles." "Yeah, me, too." "I'll take 100, too, Ernie." "Say, this is awfully nice of you." "BARBELLA:" "Isn't that wonderful?" "(cheering and applause)" "Isn't that swell of them to buy the first three...?" "Oh, there was 350 bottles." "That leaves 50 bottles left." "Well, we'll-we'll cover it." "There's 20 more." "20?" "Yeah, I'll take 20 more." "Ten." "Oh, that's 300 and..." "Oh, they'll be so happy, and this will be a wonderful thing for them." "I want to thank you." "It was awfully nice of you boys." "(chuckling)" "Rocco." "Yo." "Yo!" "Excuse me." "You know where to get this, and to whom?" "Yes." "On the double." "Aren't they swell to do a thing like this?" "Aren't they, really?" "Yeah." "Ernie, this cost us a lot of money." "But I got news for you." "We're going to get the last laugh." "Oh, are you, really?" "Yep, because we know something that you don't know, but we want to show everybody here right now." "(laughing)" "You mean this?" "Yo, Bilko!" "(cheering)" "ANNOUNCER:" "Elisabeth Fraser appeared as Sergeant Hogan." "Sergeant Pendleton was portrayed by Ned Glass," "Sergeant Grover by Jimmy Little," "Sergeant Sowici by Harry Clark."