"Ladies and gentlemen, Ade Edmondson and Rik Mayall !" "Thank you !" "Thank you." "Um... er..." "why did the pervert cross the road ?" "He couldn't get his knob out of the chicken !" "Thank you." "Eddie ?" "Right, it was me." "I'd like to say fucking cunty bollocks !" "These are words we can't use in the show." "Now we can get the show out of the way and start talking like real people." "Thanks a fucking lot !" "Laugh a lot or we'll come to your house and shag you to death !" "One from... the lads on the Ark Royal !" "They never forget an old serviceman." "You mean when you got caught pretending to be the captain ?" "I got that line fucking wrong." "Never mind." "God, you are really weird !" "This is all because I accidentally ruined your last birthday !" "It's not my fault I got so ill I had to order you to cancel your party." "You weren't ill." "You just had..." "fuck, bastard, piss !" "Aunty Olga must write us a fat cheque !" "I'd better get her to bring her chequebooks." "Daft cow brought bananas last time !" "Eddie, spread the bills so she sees one wherever she sits." "Hello... oh, fuck !" "Sorry." "Sorry." "I was in the wrong place." "I stand there." "Aunty Olga must write us a fat cheque !" "Oh, I'd better get her bring... oh !" "Merry Christmas, Denis Norden." "Bastard." " Fox !" " Stoat." "Foxy stoat !" "Yes, that's got something !" "I've forgotten my words." "Bum !" "His fault." "We sit on the roof, watch the cricket, have a picnic." "Someone comes in, the bell rings, we come down." "Can't go wrong." "Smashing." "Let's go." "Right you are, young Sonny Jim, pfar pfar... bollocks bollocks !" " All fucking week I've got that right !" " He hasn't." "By the way, Eddie, hhe-hhuh." "What ?" " What are you doing ?" "!" " # Happy birthday to me #" "Happy birthday, Richie !" "Oh, you know I don't like anyone to make a fu... blu-blu-blull !" "Leave that in." "First, cross my palm with silver." " You're like a broken record." " Cross my palm !" "I can't !" "I've had my bloody wallet nicked !" "Cross it !" "You're a fortune..." "Got the words wrong, bugger !" " Cross it !" " I can't !" "I've had my wallet nicked !" " A fortune teller should know that !" " Cross it." "Bum !" "Sorry, we'll have to go again." "Before the moon rises three times you're going to die." " What ?" "!" "You are going to die !" "No !" " The glass is orbing, spinning." " Let me see." "My words are wrong, too." "I'm winning so far !" "Your gin ?" "Three and five... minus eight ?" " Four hours 17 minutes." " I was about to say that !" "Four hours and 17 minutes to get in, remove the illegal gas sp... pp..." "Wanker !" " Four hours 17 minutes." " I was about to say that !" "Four hours and 27 minutes, to get in and remove the illegal gas pipeline, right ?" "It's in." "Merry Christmas..." "What's his fucking name ?" "Denis Norden !" "Happy Christmas, Denis Norden, you bastard !" " How much money have you got ?" " None." " The £300 on the bathroom cabinet ?" " How do you know about that ?" "I'm Death." "I know everything." " Even about... ?" " Especially about that !" "I'll get the money, just don't tell !" "Wait here !" "Woa-ah !" "Oh, fuck !" "Oh, it's good to be alive." " I get to live, right ?" " Not quite." "I take the £300 and your mate Eddie gets to live here rent-free forever." "I've dropped the fucking money." "There ?" "Want me to come in again ?" "It'd be better that way." "It's not continuity." " So ?" " We'll get letters." " "When, oh, when..." " Will the BBC realise the fish finger..." ""...was that way round !"" "See ?" "Who was right ?" "Me !" "Every Saturday !" "May as well have another drink." "Time, gentlemen, please." "Out !" "Hi, baby." "You smell great !" " Let's do it." " Get a grip !" "You're lovely !" "Lovely, lovely !" " Eddie, no !" " Gretchen, yes !" "I'm off !" "She's fond of animals." "That's why you're here." " If that doesn't work..." " This will." " No !" " Let's rumble the old bird." "You don't kill the goose that laid the golden egg." "Golden egg ?" "Oh, yes, I got it wrong." "Piss, fuck !" "Oh, fuck, you got it right." "Fuck, I said shit !" "Shit, I said wank !" "Why don't we stick him on a bus ?" "The conductor would want his fare." " No, stick him on a bus !" " The conductor would want his fare !" " I mean, on the roof !" " You don't get conductors on the roof !" "That's what makes the plan so flawless !" "I don't know my next line." "I pissed in that one." "After me." "A cocktail, how delightful !" "A real cock-tale, too." "That's buggered continuity." "Let's get drunk and play Postman's Knock." "That's a bit warm." "What's Postman's Knock ?" "Right, well, mate..." "Sorry." "You did that, you bastard !" "From drinking the piss ?" "You bastard !" "Wake up !" "He's laughing at me !" "He wants me to go to prison !" "You bastard !" "Calm down !" "I am calm." ""The rerun of 'The New Statesman' is the outstanding comedy on the box."" "There !" " And who said the "Sport" was full of shit ?" " It's a great paper !" "It's my paper, man !" ""Kevin Kelly, our eye on the telly."" "Thanks, Kev." "Don't worry." "There's more than three ways to kill a monkey." "Yes, indeedy-do !" " What are they ?" " What ?" "What are these secret and mystical ways ?" "Well... give me your ladle." "And your hat." " Shut up !" "I'm the leader." " No, I am !" "It's pathological with you, always contradicting everything I say !" "25 years, constantly gainsaying every positive statement I make !" " No, I don't." " You did it again." "Bastard !" " Git !" " Oaf, simpleton, orang-utan !" "Git, git, git !" "What the bloody hell is going on ?" "Shut it, or I'll start shooting !" "Enough of that !" "Synchronise watches." "Quarter to two." "Five, four, three, two, one... click." "Oh, it's quarter to three now." "Or is it the date ?" "Never mind, I was only trying to be sexy." " Failed miserably." " Shut up !" " We don't want a drink." " I think you do." " Sure ?" " OK, I'll have a coke." "Bingo !" "It bloody works !" "Come on, Eddie, you get the bee..." "Oh, fuck !" "Sorry, I forgot my line."