"[Rock song plays]" "jim:" "Well, Michelle, we did it." "Happy graduation." "You know, living at my parents' house... that's atemporarything." "We've been going out forthreeyears." "You're not getting bored with things, areyou?" "I'm gonnaaskyou something that I've never asked you before." "Is it kinky?" "I don'tthinkso." "No." "You don't haveto be embarrassed... ifyou wannaadd more spiciness to our relationship." "Actually... maybeyou could just, you know..." "useyour napkin." "My napkin?" "WAlTER:" "Mr. Levenstein?" "jim:" "Yes." "WAlTER:" "You have a phone call." "Excuse me." "jim:" "Thankyou." "Hello?" "Jim, it's Dad." "You leftthe ring at home." "The box is empty." "ButI'm on myway... and I've got the ring, so don't panic, son." "Okay?" "Bye." "Whowasthat?" "Thatwas my dad." "I didn't answer my cell... so he was getting all worried." "You know how he is." "But everything is okay now." "Everything is perfectly fine." "I think I know what you're gonna ask me." "That's okay." "I don't have to use my napkin." "What?" "I've got my own techniques." "jim:" "Michelle, where you going?" "Michelle?" "[Jim giggles]" "jim:" "Okay." "Michelle." "Okay." "Oh, my God." "Oh, my God." "Michelle." "[Hissing]" "I thinkyou need to stop." "Okay, keep going." "[Moaning]" "Oh, myGod." "Michelle?" "[Stuttering nervously]" "Oh, my God." "Okay." "Well, I made it." "Where's Michelle?" "Washroom?" "I was so nervous she was gonna spot me." "Here's the ring, son." "Let me tell you something." "This is some ring." "Look at the rock on this baby, Mr. Big Spender." "I hope you didn't blow your wad on this." "Not yet." "Your mother and I could not be more thrilled for you, Jim." "We're so happy." "I knowyou're excited, I can see it in your face." "You look like you're readyto burst." "Yourcheeks, they're flush." "I wish your mother could be here." "jim:" "Not me." "DAD:" "That's mywish." "You know, this is one of those moments, Jim... that you're gonna remember forthe rest ofyour life." "Yes, it is." "You bet it is." "You bet it is." "I cannot believe my son is gonna pop the question." "[Thud]" "Whatwasthat?" "That?" "Knocking on wood." "What is this...." "Popping what?" "What question?" "You're awreck." "What?" "You need some air." "Okay, walk me to my car." "No, I'm not walking" "Listen to me!" "It's foryour good." "Dad." "DAD:" "Son!" "jim:" "My pants!" "DAD:" "Your penis!" "jim:" "I got my pants, Dad!" "DAD:" "What the hell...." "jim:" "Jeez!" "God, Dad." "DAD:" "Wearyour pants." "jim:" "I gotthe pants!" "DAD:" "What areyou doing?" "DAD:" "He had abdominal cramps...." "jim:" "I can explain all this." "Everybody calm down here, quiet!" "Loweryourvoice." "WOMAN:" "Disgusting." "Now..." "I came hereto do something... and damn it, I'm gonnado it." "Michelle?" "[All gasp]" "Hello, dear." "Michelle Annabeth Flaherty..." "I loveyou... morethan I could ever explain at this particular moment." "[Romantic instrumental music]" "Dad, the ring." "Will you marry me?" "Yes." "[Romantic instrumental music continues]" "DAD:" "My son." "I'm the happiest man in the world." "[All gasp]" "We should all be so happy." "[Rock song playing]" "Cheers." "Gentlemen." "Sweetheart." "I'm impressed." "Marriage is a binding... unifying, eternal... never-ending, permanent chaining together oftwo people." "Jim, have you thought this through?" "Yes." "Finch, thankyou." "I had been trying to figure it out for awhile." "You know, when is the right time?" "Is there a right time?" "Then finally I realised, "You love the girl." "Marry her."" "[Rock song playing]" "Let's dance." "Dance?" "No." "No, you have to learn sometime." "Come on." "jim:" "Don't laugh at me." "Yeah, okay." "Just glad that's not me." "Finch... you don't thinkthere's one girl... you're destined to spend your entire lifewith?" "They're all for me, Kevin." "Not so bad?" "All right." "Dothis." "I'm sorry." "Thewedding should be rather entertaining." "[People chattering]" "[Pop music playing]" "Bro, that's it?" "There's no keg anywhere." "Jim." "Hey, John." "The food and the drink are really bad." ""F" for presentation." "The good news foryou...." "What's that?" "We're gonna be ushers at the wedding." "This is amazing." "I don't recognise halfthe people in this place." "At leastthey all brought gifts." "MUM:" "Hello." "MARY:" "Hello." "I'm Mary Flaherty." "MUM:" "Hello!" "HAROLD:" "Harold Flaherty." "DAD:" "Hi." "MUM:" "How lovelyto meetyou." "DAD:" "Please come in." "We've been expecting you." "Howwas yourtrip?" "Delightful." "Who's excited about thewedding?" "Anxious might be more accurate." "We've never met your son." "You'll get to meet him." "Rudy and Sam would like to meet him, too." "Bring them in, they've been cooped up for hours." "For heaven's sake." "Your sons?" "Our dogs." "We nevertravel without them." "Oh, my goodness." "Honey, why don't you go get those critters out ofthe car..." "MUM: and we'll start on some cocktails." "MARY:" "Thankyou." "HAROLD:" "I'd love one." "MUM:" "Long trip?" "DAD:" "I'll get the dogs." "There's onething that'll makethiswedding perfect." "No Stifler." "That's one dickwe are not inviting." "Motion seconded." "Motion carried." "So, Finch, what areyou gonnado with that fancy NYU diploma?" "I'll frame it." "Then I'll write my memoirs." "You should cometo law school, man." "I could usethe company." "Kids, Michelle's parents are here." "Come on, we'rewaiting." "Crumbs on the shirt." "That's bad." "Okay, that's fine." "I'll change." "STlFLER:" "Fuckers!" "[Upbeat instrumental music]" "Well, polish my nuts and serve me a milkshake." "What's up?" "That's right." "STlFLER:" "Cake?" "Hope it's good." "Oh, gee." "Thanks for inviting me to the graduation party, fucker." "Fucking right, doggy." "That's good cake!" "Holy shit!" "jim:" "Hi." "How are you?" "GUEST:" "Congratulations." "[Stifler laughing]" "STlFLER: "Congratulation, Jism!"" "Excuse me." "Stifler?" "STlFLER:" "Hey, Jim!" "jim:" "What are you doing here?" "jim:" "Okay-- STlFLER:" "Happy fuckday, arsemouth!" "Put the cake down." "Check it out." "jim:" "Cute." "STlFLER:" "Where's my invite?" "Got lost in the mail, fuckface?" "Quiet!" "Bite yourself." "That's what I thought." "STlFLER:" "I can spell "Cajun Rectum." jim:" "Seriously, man." "STlFLER:" "Oh, Jesus." "jim:" "Damn it, Stifler." "STlFLER:" "Jim, lookwhatyou did!" "jim:" "Lookwhat I did?" "STlFLER:" "Lookatthis shit!" "What am I supposed to do now?" "Areyou happy now, man?" "Why areyou here?" "My dick looks like acorn dog." "I got cake all over my balls." "MUM:" "Jim, honey?" "jim:" "Shit." "The Flahertys are waiting." "Doyou think he's upstairs, honey?" "You're fucked now." "[Stifler laughing]" "[Dog growling]" "[Stifler laughing]" "jim:" "Stifler, get up." "STlFLER:" "This dog's great!" "Is it weird that it feels good?" "All right...." "DAD:" "What about the dining room?" "MUM:" "I knowyou'll love him." "Jesus, Stifler." "[Stiflerwhooping]" "jim:" "Stop enjoying it so much." "STlFLER:" "Lick it up!" "You little shit." "Takeyour pants off, man." "[All gasp]" "HAROLD:" "Good Lord!" "jim:" "Oh, God!" "DAD:" "Jim?" "jim:" "No, it's notwhat it looks like." "DAD:" "What areyou doing, son?" "My dogs!" "Don't go in there, darling!" "Lord knowswhatthey'll dotoyou!" "I lovethis dog!" "I wastrying to get him off, Dad." "That isyourson?" "Backawayfrom the animal." "Mr. and Mrs. Flaherty, I presume." "STlFLER:" "Where areyou going?" "Well, lunch is served." "I really hope... thatwe can all forget aboutthis, and move on, and start again." "Start again fresh." "Ifyou hopeto bethe provider and protector... for ourfirstborn daughter..." "you have a long wayto go." "Thankyou, sir." "Theythinkyou're an angel... and I'm just some ungrateful dog rapist." "Theyjustthinkthey raised the proper little band girl." "And, besides, sometimes..." "it's niceto be moretraditional." "How doyou mean traditional?" "michelle:" "I'm thinking aboutthewedding." "How it'sjustthisoneday..." "[Soft instrumental music] where everyone's eyes are on me forachange." "I've neverwalked into a room... and had everyone go, "Ooh" and "Ah"... and "lsn't she elegant?"" "That is exactly how ourwedding is going to be." "I promise." "Shit." "I got a frosted arse crack." "Hey, Finch?" "You want this for here orto go?" ""Awitty saying proves nothing." Voltaire." ""Suck my dick." Ron Jeremy." "Boys, anybody seen the bride's parents?" "No?" "STlFLER:" "Wait a second." "FlNCH:" "Come on, Stifler." "STlFLER:" "It's not a graduation party." "kevin:" "Time to go." "Wait, hold on!" "Jim's getting married, isn't he?" "Holy fucking shit!" "This is major!" "Do you have the slightest idea how important this is?" "We get to have a bachelor party." "Yes!" "We celebrate the death of Jim with a party in his honour." "Chicks and boobs." "Tits and arse." "Titties, ta-tas, casabas, bazoongas... all up in our frigging faces!" "Come on, buck up, fellows!" "Show some enthusiasm!" "It's gonna be fucking great!" "Oh, my God!" "[Door slams]" "Finch, he does make a good point." "Yeah, he does." "You never heard me saythat." "I do not deserve a girl this cool." "Michelle said the wedding was doable, right?" "Awedding, yeah." "I promised her herwedding." "You know, thewedding ofher dreams." "Okay, what'sthe problem?" "Dancing." "She's gonnawantto dance." "There'sthatwholetradition." "Thefirst dance atthe reception." "She is gonnawannadance Fred Astaire kind ofshit." "I can't dothat." "She learned all that from band camp." "Okay, soyou take lessons." "Right away." "Lessons." "Okay." "I have to convince her parents that I'm not a shithead." "Yeah, challenging." "indeed challenging." "But doable." "What else?" "I don't knowwhat else." "That'sthething." "She carestoo much totell me." "She doesn'twant metoworry that she might beworried." "So I'mworried." "Recon." "You mean, like, spying on Michelle?" "Spying is deceitful." "Extraattention meansyou're concerned." "This istrue." "This is good." "Guys..." "here'stothe next step." "Shut upwith that stepping." "Putyour glass down." "[Rocksong plays]" "We'll find awonderful one somewhere, I promise." "We'll keep looking." "Is everything okay here?" "The study can get a little chilly." "You have enough blankets?" "We're fine." "Thankyou." "I was kind of hoping... that someday soon, we could have a little talk." "I'd reallylike to tell you... why I think I'll make a good husband..." "wheneveryou get a chance." "Why is that?" "Come on." "See, I was saying that soon we could talk." "This right now is sort ofthe preliminarytalk... before the future longertalk... which would be like a quiet... a private dinnertalk." "[Dog growling]" "Let him finish." "[Dog continues growling]" "I'm talking toyou." "Okay." "Good talking toyou." "No." "These aren't gonnawork." "STlFLER:" "Wow!" "You guys in asporting goods store." "Very good." "Hey, Finch." "I thinkthey gotyour size." "Beautiful." "Jim needsto learn to dance for hiswedding." "You know, I think he's screwed." "Ofcourse he's screwed." "He's getting married." "I can'twaitto seethis disaster." "What makesyou thinkyou're invited?" "[Stifler slurping noisily]" "I already called up Jim's mum." "Gotthe info." "I'm preparing forthe festivities." "It's time for me to boom-boom with the bridesmaids, Finchfucker." "'Cause I'm gonna hang out with mywang out." "And I'm gonna rock out with my cock out!" "Yeah, that's what I'm talking about." "jim:" "All right, Stifler." "This is a little difficult to explain." "Look, you're okay." "You're okay." "I mean, I like you." "Yeah, great." "You can blow me after practice." "I'm working, dude." "[Players yelling]" "STlFLER:" "Work it!" "Hustle!" "jim:" "See, my mum didn't knowthat" "Push it!" "Move it!" "Come on!" "Therewas a misunderstanding." "You're not invited!" "Hold!" "[Playersyelling]" "STlFLER:" "How doyou even think you're getting married?" "I've been looking out for your sex life since high school." "jim:" "You what?" "[Stifler exclaims in exasperation]" "The first tits this guy ever saw were because of me!" "The first girl he ever hooked up with... was at my party, at my cottage!" "That girl's the girl he's marrying." "The Stiffman showed him the way." "STlFLER:" "Can I get a hallelujah?" "PLAYERS:" "Hallelujah, Stifler!" "But, myfuckers... this mofo right here does not want the Stifmeister... the Grand fucking Facilitator to attend the wedding." "STlFLER:" "Who sucks donkey dick?" "PLAYERS: [Chant] Jim sucks donkey dick!" "The answer's no, okay?" "I'm sorry." "I can dance." "What?" "I can dance." "[Players chanting]" "STlFLER:" "Five, six, seven, eight...." "[Soft instrumental music]" "jim:" "Okay." "What exactly is this here?" "STlFLER:" "Left boxturn." "Left boxturn." "Hi." "Stop looking into my eyes." "Sorry." "jim:" "How do you know howto do this?" "My mum made me take it forthreeyears." "jim:" "Yeah?" "STlFLER:" "I hated it." "No, you're really good." "You should take ballet or something." "STlFLER:" "Fuckface!" "What part of"this sucks my arse" do you not understand?" "This is exactlywhat I'm talking about." "You can't behave like this." "Ifyou wanna come to the wedding..." "I'm sorry, you cannot act like this." "Are you saying I'm impolite?" "lmpolitewould be an improvement." "Look,just trynot to be... you know, you." "[Stifler exhales]" "Fuckthis shit." "It's notworth it." "Wait, Stifler." "Hold on." "Okay, what ifyou planned the bachelor party?" "With a dildo show?" "Sure." "Ifyou can find the time to fit it in, go ahead." "Surprise me." "Sorry, chief." "lt only gets you halfwaythere." "What do you mean?" "I need assurances that I'm gonna get quality action at this wedding." "I'm sorry, I can't make that promise." "Well, let me put it to you this way, Jimbo." "No pussy, no dancing." "Okay?" "No pussy, no dancing." "How's that for polite?" "[Stifler laughs]" "Jim, your suspicions are confirmed." "Michelle wants a dress that she can't get." "The dress she wants is Amsale." "They have a store in Chicago." "Ifwe leave right now, we can get there bythe time they close." "It's athree-hour drive." "Kick fucking arse!" "Are we going to Chicago to see titties?" "We are talking about getting Michelle a dress in Chicago." "Now, please vanish." "What's the capital ofThailand?" "Bang cock." "kevin:" "Dude-- STlFLER:" "Okay, I got shotgun." "[Rock song plays]" "STlFLER:" "Let's get this dress shit overwith." "The strip bar's got free hot wings before 7:00." "Now, Jim, let me handle this." "These are my people." "They're gay?" "No, you bleeding imbecile... they have style." "They're cultured." "They're sophisticated." "So they're gay." "FlNCH:" "So, mademoiselle, I'm sure that you can appreciate... that monsieurhere is stuck right between Scylla and Charybdis." "Yes, I'm afraid he's no Ulysses." "Okay, what's happening here?" "You need to speakto my dressmaker." "That's who would actually make the dress... and I'm afraid Leslie has gone forthe day." "[Rock song plays]" "She said she might be at one ofthese bars here on Halsted." "I saywe split up, ask around for a Leslie Summers." "Right." "[Trance music playing]" "Heythere, sweet littlething." "Heythere, you sweet manlything." "I really loveyour shirt." "Do I knowyou?" "I'm Jennifer." "Just relax, take it slow, and let the good times roll..." "because Daddy's a regular here!" "Do you wanna get a drink?" "You're goddamn right I do." "Two cold ones." "You know, my friend would really dig yourvibe." "Will you wait here?" "Surething, babe." "Good." "All right." "Howyou feeling, sexy?" "Pretty good." "You have a deepvoice." "That's not all." "Right." "You look really cutetonight." "Thanks." "I guess." "What the...." "Oh, hey!" "Feeling a little frisky?" "Game over." "What's happening here?" "jim:" "Any luck?" "FlNCH:" "Not so much." "All right, let's...." "[Trance music playing]" "This is Bear." "Hey!" "STlFLER:" "Wow, you are a bear." "[Growling]" "Yeah." "[Growls]" "How much you bench?" "How much you weigh?" "Why?" "You wannatry and pick me up?" "Yeah, I think I could." "Yeah, I bet you could." "You are big." "I could use a guy likeyou on myteam." "Areyou talking about ourteam?" "Or an actual team?" "Whatthe hell is "ourteam"?" "Hi, where'sthe girl?" "Whatthe fuckarewetalking about?" "You need totake another lookaround." "MAN #1:" "You lookfabulous!" "MAN #2:" "Hey, honey." "Oh, myGod." "Whatthefuckisgoing on?" "[All laughing]" "Come on, isthatallyou'vegot?" "Pussy!" "I definitelycame tothewrong place." "jim:" "Stifler." "STlFLER:" "Oh, man." "jim:" "Hey." "STlFLER:" "It's so good to seeyou." "Howdidyou get upthe nerve to checkout agaybar?" "Reallydon'twannatalkabout it right now." "I justwannago home." "Yourfriend herewasjust leaving." "Eatshit." "Didyou find Leslie?" "Fuckyourstupid dressmaker." "You guys knowLeslieSummers?" "We'retryingtofind her." "Ithinkyou guysareoutofluck." "Whydon'tyougohome?" "You knowLeslieSummers?" "Heknowsher." "Myfriendsandljustdrove allthewayfromMichigan... tofindmyfiancéetheweddingdress shedeserves." "WeneedLeslietomakeit." "Canyoupleasehelpusfindher?" "I'msureLesliealwayshelps associatesofarseholes." "Whatareyoulookingat?" "I'mnotasteak." "Listen, breeder, noteverygayman wantsto havesexwithyou." "Yeah?" "Listen up, arsejockey." "Iflweregay, you'dwant me!" "BEAR:" "Really?" "STlFLER:" "Really." "I got style." "I'm cultured." "I'm sophisticated." "And all that just radiates from your oh-so-sexy self." "That's bullshit." "Everyone wants a piece ofthe Stifmeister." "[All laughing]" "BEAR:" "Yeah, right!" "Without a doubt." "STlFLER:" "I'll showyou fuckers." "BEAR:" "Bye." "BEAR:" "Everybody say bye." "ALL:" "Bye." "BEAR:" "Bye." "Bye!" "Good luckwith the dress." "BEAR:" "Give us a drink." "[Trance music continues playing]" "[Upbeat dance music playing]" "Mother of God." "Bitch!" "['80s pop music playing]" "[Crowd cheering]" "STlFLER:" "What is this, a dance-off?" "Oh, yeah?" "[Medley of '80s pop songs play]" "[Crowd cheering]" "BEAR:" "I love you!" "What?" "Fabulous." "Seeing that was worth anything." "I'm Leslie Summers." "You've got yourself a dress." "jim:" "Oh, my God." "Thankyou." "Thankyou." "Yeah, no problem." "Say, who'syourfriend?" "kevin:" "Kevin." "Wasthatthe best night ever orwhat?" "Areyou kidding me?" "Yeah, itwas amazing." "Hey, guys!" "When you get your bachelor partytogether..." "I manage some girls in town." "BEAR:" "Real ones." "STlFLER:" "All right." "Call me." "Damn, Stiffy, you got some moves." "[Laughs]" "I told you that guywanted to fuck me." "I can't believe they're really gonna make the dress for me?" "jim:" "They're expecting your call." "Go ahead." "This is so cool." "I love you." "Thankyou." "That worked out." "Maybe it's time we had that special dinner chat." "I'll have turkey." "[Soft instrumental music]" "Thanks for helping out." "We're so close and there's still so much to do." "Cadence!" "CADENCE:" "Hey!" "michelle:" "Hi." "Cadence, this is Paul Finch." "Meet myyounger sister, Cadence." "Nice to meet you." "You're reading Descartes." "Yeah." "Cogito ergo sum." ""l think, therefore I am."" "Hungry." "Hungry." "So, when's Mark getting in?" "Let's see." "That would be never." "Did you guys break up?" "Howtragic." "Sorry, Paul Finch." "Girl stuff." "[Plane engine roars outside]" "Just stay calm." "I'm available, she's available." "It's all good." "She's a beautiful girl, and you're you." "michelle:" "Spill it, sister." "What's the problem?" "CADENCE:" "I dumped him." "michelle:" "But itwas Mark." "I thought you really liked him." "Hewas nice." "CADENCE:" "Yeah, but sometimes nice isn't so nice." "Wait." "Hold on." "Let me getthis straight." "He didn'twantto do it." "He said he didn'twantto ruin what we had by deflowering ourselves." "Whothe hell usestheword "deflower"?" "michelle:" "That'swhat Mum would say." "CADENCE:" "Yeah." "I'm realising Mum and Dad's idea ofappropriate behaviour... might be a little bit different than mine." "Mish, you're in love." "You're getting married." "What's this like?" "michelle:" "I'll never be able to explain it." "I wanted us to write our own vows for the wedding... and now I can't do mine." "How do you explain love?" "I guess I wouldn't know." "I don't think I've ever felt that way about a guy." "michelle:" "Somedayyou will." "CADENCE:" "Maybe." "But in the meantime, it won't hurt to get a little rowdythis weekend." "Jim's gotsingle friends, right?" "Is Finch a possibility?" "Finch is bonable." "CADENCE:" "Yes, he is bonable." "[Crashing]" "Dickhead." "Do not send shit to my office at school." "Stifler, come in and make yourself comfortable." "Your letter made a great impression on Coach Marshall." "Let me refresh your memory, partner." ""Dear Steve, I'll be grateful ifyou teach me to dance..." ""like you did in the gay bar."" "I put serious thought into that letter." "Don't push me, 'cause I'm close to the edge." "I'm trying not to lose my head." "CADENCE:" "These are really nice for a bridesmaid dress." "At leastsomething you can actuallywear again." "You don't think it's too sexy, do you?" "I don't want to seem slutty." "I'm trying to attract a decent guy." "michelle:" "It's a wedding." "They'll all be decent guys." "I just don't feel quite like avirgin in it." "[Exclaims]" "You must be psyched to be done with college." "I'm running out of room in my brain for everything." "There's always room for Plato and Aristotle." "Some of my favourites." "Excuse me, guys." "Finch, she thinks you were being sarcastic." "STlFLER:" "Okay." "It's so good to see you." "You wantsome help?" "Let me help you out there." "There you go." "You keep fighting the good fight, sir." "That's great." "That was really sweet ofyou." "Yeah." "I love old people, you know?" "I hate to be nosy and impolite... but do you know Jim Levenstein and Michelle Flaherty?" "Are they here?" "I'm Cadence, Michelle's sister." "I had no idea." "I'm their good friend, Steven." "Nice to meet you." "You, too." "They're doing some wedding stuff." "That's cool." "There's a few of us in the other room." "Want to join us?" "I don't know." "You look so nice." "I feel underdressed." "I thinkyou look great." "Thankyou." "Herethey are." "Hi, boys." "Don't stand up." "MARY:" "The dads aren't hereyet?" "MUM:" "I'll go find them." "Which one ofyou isthe best man?" "Jim didn't pickjust one." "He couldn't decide." "STlFLER:" "Hey, Paul." "Hey, Kevin." "CADENCE:" "Mum, I wantyou to meet Steven." "He's afriend of Jim's, and mine, and everyone's." "You lookveryfamiliar." "Really?" "I'm afraid we've never met." "Well, we have now." "[Stifler exclaims]" "Looks like you found Samantha's Sweets." "Isn't their chocolate just to die for?" "MARY:" "You have no idea." "STlFLER:" "Actually, I do." "I love chocolate more than" "More than life itself!" "MARY:" "I was just saying to your friends..." "I have something very precious here." "What is it?" "Michelle's grandmother's, my mother's, wedding ring." "Isn't that precious?" "Since all ofyou are the best man, I don't knowwho should keep it." "I think it's best ifl" "I thinkyou should getto know us first and then decide." "You are such agentleman, Steve." "I hearthat all thetime, but it never gets old." "Paul, doyou havethe camera?" "Howthoughtful." "I must've forgotten my camera at home, Steven." "Maybeyou could take a mental note." "I won't forget this moment." "I'll bet you won't." "Would you care to join us, Steven?" "I'd love to." "Thankyou." "MARY:" "Good to see you fellows." "STlFLER:" "Oh, amazing." "What is he doing near my flowers?" "I love the way the tulips accentuate the...." "STlFLER:" "What are they called again?" "MAN:" "Double lisianthus." "Lisianthus." "Double lisianthums." "What a pretty name." "I told him to be nice, or he couldn't cometothewedding." "Okay, I will take care ofthis." "James." "Great." "Come on over." "You can see ifl forgot anything." "MARY:" "I don'tthink I...." "STlFLER:" "We're having a great time." "MARY:" "I think I've got it all." "Look." "Sahara and desert rose foryour bridesmaids' bouquet." "Give methat." "Smell this." "It's fantastic." "Fantastic." "[Mary cooing]" "[Mary giggles excitedly]" "MARY:" "Look at this!" "Let's go look at the candelabrum, honey." "I think with the summer blossoms...." "STlFLER:" "Thankyou for everything." "MARY:" "What'd you think, girls?" "Isn't this adorable?" "Okay, I knowwhat you're doing." "Look, have you seen yourself?" "I can't believe you're doing this." "Just calm down." "It's all set." "What's set?" "I'm gonnateach you to dance like a Baryshninikov." "Oh, yeah." "He is pretty good." "Jim, he's not doing it to be nice." "He's doing it to bone Cadence." "Maybe we should give him a chance." "I think... that underneath all the "fucks" and "shits" and "blow me's"... there's avery sensitive person who is just thirsty for acceptance." "That's what I think." "Jim, you've got to stop masturbating." "It's melting your brain." "STlFLER:" "Observe the fucking Stifmeister." "What is his defining characteristic?" "[Soft instrumental music]" "He uses the "F" word excessively." "Thanks, man." "But I also have confidence." "You're one big floppy cock." "Look at you." "You got to stand like a man." "Your posture tells your partnerwhere to go." "Okay?" "Follow my lead." "This is the waltz." "Waltz?" "Okay." "jim:" "That's pretty good." "STlFLER:" "You're fucking right it's good." "I'm gonna save your arse in this wedding." "Soon you're gonnawant me to shaveyour balls." "Should I shave my balls?" "Doyou shaveyour balls?" "How doyou do it?" "Dude!" "No." "I'm just...." "Shaving...." "STlFLER:" "You know, there's nothing like a local pub." "It's like real America... without all that corporateness and catchyjingles." "What's wrong with a good jingle?" "I think it was Voltaire who said:" ""Ajingle witty proves everything for my friends and I."" "Cadence, I didn't know you were gonna be here." "You're just in time forVoltaire's greatest hits." "Voltaire?" "Stifler, please, who was Voltaire?" "Someone much wiserthan you, I'm afraid, Finch." "Actually, I'm getting burned out on all the intellectual stuff." "STlFLER:" "Yeah, me, too." "Being smart is so hard." "I'll give you some intelligence." "Voltaire can suck on my balls." "What?" "It's about time somebody came out and said it." "Hey, I'm gonna give you a quote to live by." ""Love life, get paid, and then get laid."" "That is the basic philosophy ofthe Finchmeister." "I like that." "Bet you do." "STlFLER:" "Really?" "I don't knowwhyyou do... because Finchmeister doesn't make anyfrigging sense." "Sure it does." "No fucking shit it does." "Cadence, let's leave the cray-ton here, shall we?" "Whatever." "Fuck it." "I'm walking, anyway." "You know, I think I'm gonna go stretch my legs... with the Finchmeister here." "CADENCE:" "You don't mind, do you, Steven?" "STlFLER:" "No." "[Exclaims]" "It's on like Donkey Kong, bitch." "Pack it up, bitch." "Yeah, I'm on it." "Thankyou." "Cadence say anything about me?" "Whateveryou and Finch are pulling, she seems to like you both." "Finch." "She gonna be around tomorrow night?" "She's going to Chicago with Michelle..." "forthe final dress fitting." "What about her parents?" "I think her mum kind oflikes me." "They're going up north with my parents... to get things ready forthe rehearsal." "Sothat'swherethey'll be." "So don't bother looking forthem or anything, you know?" "Awedding." "Shit." "How doyou know she'sthe right girl?" "I just do." "I'm abetter person when I'm with Michelle." "jim:" "Nobodyelse-- STlFLER:" "No, shithead." "You hooked upwith one other girl forwhat?" "Ten seconds?" "Notto mention you passed on Nadia." "Dumbest fucking thing ever." "You're like a blind man picking out his favourite porno." "That shit is crazy." "DAD:" "This is just the old pre-wedding jitters, son." "jim:" "It's so forever." "You know, it's...." "You know, Michelle is the only girl that I've been with." "Honestly, now, would you have passed up sexwith Nadia?" "Why?" "Did she say something?" "Hypothetically, Dad." "DAD:" "Hypothetically." "Well... you know, Jim, I'm a married man." "lfyou weren't married." "She's a college girl." "lfyou were a college guy." "ln a heartbeat." "Oh, yeah." "First ofall, whatyou're feeling is so normal... and perfectly natural." "Marriage is not about... animal lusting, and kinky sex games." "It's notso much about... who's the dog and who's the fire hydrant tonight." "It's deeperthan that." "The longer a marriage lasts, the longeryou can go... without sex." "But when thatmagic night does happen... it's all the more meaningful." "Let me tell you, your mother, bless her, can still make me... squeal like a pig." "I mean that in the good sense." "Do you follow what I'm saying?" "You understand where I'm going here?" "jim:" "I think" "Anything else you need?" "No." "Anything I can do." "[Rock song plays]" "He's not here." "Parkthe cars down there where he won't see them." "Fucking right!" "So, you like my pants, Stiffy?" "Whatever." "As long as the girls are worth it." "They're worth it." "And ifyou got good wine, too... that'll score points foryou." "I thinkthere's some in the basement." "I'll get it." "You ain't gonnawantto missthis." "[Stifler laughing excitedly]" "Gentlemen, I would like to introduce..." "Officer Krystal und Fräulein Brandi!" "STlFLER:" "Oh, my God." "[All hooting]" "[Rhythmic instrumental music]" "You boys have been very messy." "[Brandi exclaims in mock apology]" "Can you see my fanny?" "[Brandi giggles]" "[Men gasp]" "[Squeals]" "You naughty girl." "None ofthat pleading the Fifth crap." "You boys are gonnatalk." "[Stifler gasps]" "STlFLER:" "Wow!" "[Stifler laughing]" "KRYSTAL:" "Are you gonna stand there and drool?" "Orwe gonna have a bachelor party?" "Fuck, yeah, we are!" "What?" "I can't hearyou." "[Finch stammers]" "Yes." "Bachelor party." "I can't hearyou." "Louder!" "Stick a finger in my arse!" "[Gasps]" "That's weird." "You just wait." "Maybe we should just wait for Jim." "Fuck Jim, man!" "This is for us!" "Take hertop off." "My girlfriend has strict rules about this." "No touching." "KRYSTAL:" "You ain't dancing, clown?" "You wipe thatshit-eating grin offyourface, you punk-arsed bitch!" "This is awesome!" "KRYSTAL:" "You like that?" "How much?" "STlFLER:" "Yeah, I do." "Boob." "Sorry." "No, not yet." "But you will be." "Like I said, this is awesome." "[Rhythmic music]" "Hey, listen, I thinkwe both know... that Officer Krystal and me have this, you know...." "Thing?" "Yeah." "[Rhythmic music continues]" "No one has ever slapped my arse like that." "No one's everpinched my nipple with such ferocity." "I'm a master ofthe Tantric art." "I look at her body and I just see... the chakras and the things I could do to her and...." "[Moans]" "You look cute." "Thankyou." "You, you'rethe cute one." "How slimming isthis?" "Whatthe fuck, Buffalo Bill?" "BEAR:" "What?" "The pinktoo much?" "It putsthe dress in the drawer and does as it'stold." "BEAR:" "Oh, dude, nowthat's fucked up." "That's fucked up." "And in closing, you have been a naughty girl." "STlFLER:" "You been naughty, Brandi?" "You been fucking naughty?" "Fresh." "[Screams]" "KRYSTAL:" "Take hertop off!" "Will you get to cleaning, you little bitch fucker." "[Finch screams]" "Do you want to see us kiss?" "Fuck, no!" "None ofthat "you go, we go" bullshit." "STlFLER:" "We've done that." "FlNCH:" "Good ofyou." "[Rhythmic instrumental music continues]" "I used to havethis pet bass." "His namewas Arnie, and was so cute... and he just loved me, too, you know." "He would look at me..." "make this face like...." "Maybe you could dance." "Or something like that." "It was great." "I miss Arnie, but...." "Sometimes I watch the Discovery Channel." "I love that show." "I don't care!" "Could you just dance for me, please?" "No, that's my favourite-- Well, was my favourite shirt." "What?" "Nothing." "It's a crazy party, huh?" "You don't worry about him." "He's a maniac." "You're a maniac, you knowthat?" "[Muffled cries]" "Stifler, why in the world are you focused on me?" "I'm just surprised to see you don't have tits." "BRANDl:" "How can I clean you ifyou are not dirty?" "Go put something on that I must clean offwith mytongue." "[Groans]" "Anything for a French person." "Ifyou insist, fräulein." "[Rock song plays]" "[Groans ecstatically]" "Look at you, you pathetic little weasel." "Can't I just watch?" "Look, you don't have to do anything ifyou don't want to." "[Exclaims in surprise]" "Hold on!" "Don't break character ever again, okay?" "I don't care ifKevin starts crying... because Finch bit his cock off." "You're a dirty cop, you're a prissy maid..." "I'm your filthy cabana boy in need of punishment and cleaning." "Don't you ever mouth off to Officer Krystal..." "you dirty little pervert!" "Okay." "KRYSTAL:" "Now obey!" "STlFLER:" "I obey!" "Jesus." "[Moaning]" "Guys, are we having dinner?" "jim:" "Let me get that." "Holy shit!" "jim:" "I've got something really nice cooking up foryou inside." "HAROLD:" "We love surprises." "You said you spoketo Jim." "I did." "I was secret about it." "He said he'd be the only one here." "What the fuck, Shitbreak?" "It's chocolate." "jim:" "I told everyone that you were up north with my parents." "So we won't be bothered." "We can totally relax." "No worries." "jim:" "Please come in." "Make yourselves at home." "jim:" "Right this way." "MARY:" "Thankyou." "[Gasps]" "jim:" "What?" "MARY:" "Pink roses." "jim:" "Pink roses." "jim:" "They're nice, aren't they?" "HAROLD:" "Yes, artificial." "Nice try." "jim:" "I almost got you." "jim:" "So, has Michelle evertold you the story of howwe fell in love?" "Why don't you retell us now?" "It's one of my favourite stories." "Where should I begin?" "Let'ssee...." "Well, I suppose it all started at...." "Tall Oaks." "That's right." "At Tall Oaks." "That was the summerwhen...." "The summerthatwas so hot!" "So hot." "All right, lookwhat I got." "Jesus!" "Hey, there." "Guy, there!" "Jim, I cannot believeyou." "You can't?" "You hired help on our account." "That is entirely unnecessary." "Butl will have some ofthat wine, sir." "Say please, Harold." "Please." "Of course." "Absolutely." "It's what he's here for." "The wine." "Obviously." "Evidently." "What else would you be here for?" "And I certainly appreciate your courtesy, sir." "Yes, we have right here... a 1999 Cabernet Say-vun-nun." "Full-bodied, masculine wine." "Justshouts sophistication." "BEAR:" "James?" "jim:" "Yes?" "I can see you're very surprised to see me here." "Little bit." "I'm going to go check on the dogs." "jim:" "Yes!" "In fact why don't you both go check on the dogs and...." "No!" "Don't check on the dogs." "They're fine." "How doyou know?" "Because I just checked on the dogs." "Because he checked on the dogs." "I did." "Good work." "Jim, I'll help you with the turkey." "jim:" "Okay." "BEAR:" "And I'll keep you company." "Thankyou." "So, how long have you been a sommelier, Mister...." "Belvedere, ma'am." "Belvedere." "It's chilly in here." "So, how long dowe haveto stay in here for?" "I don't know." "They said to hide." "We'll justwait forthem to call us." "Who knows whatkind ofkinkyshit they're getting ready." "Do these go in your arse tonight, or mine?" "You have a serving dish ready?" "Jim?" "HAROLD:" "We need a serving dish." "jim:" "Yeah, of course." "[Exclaims in shock]" "What?" "Nothing." "Then whythe excitement?" "I thought the dish was broken." "Well, is it?" "jim:" "No." "HAROLD:" "Then are you going to get it?" "Here you go." "One serving dish." "Excellent." "Nowwhat we need:" "a cutting board." "jim:" "No, stop!" "HAROLD:" "What?" "I will get it foryou." "HAROLD:" "Nonsense, I can get a cutting board." "Let's see, there you go." "This should do nicely." "I presume we're having white wine with the turkey." "Let me go check." "[Mary chuckles]" "HAROLD:" "What happened here?" "[Jim stammers]" "That's mud." "I meant to clean that up this morning." "How embarrassing." "That's gonna stain." "We're gonna need a mop." "I'll get it." "It's in this closet." "No." "No, it's not." "It's in there." "It's not in this closet... because I moved it." "MARY:" "Where?" "I'll go get it." "jim:" "I don't remember." "You don't remember?" "You knowwhy I don't remember... is because I actually did not move it." "The cleaning lady did." "Your mother said you don't have a cleaning lady." "I don't knowwhy she would say such a" "You called, master?" "Holy...." "Well, there you are." "Hello." "How do you do?" "jim:" "So, cleaning lady, we were wondering... where the mop was." "Master put the mop in my fanny." "MARY:" "You what?" "HAROLD:" "Who put what where?" "I did no such thing anywhere." "Shall I clean?" "[Harold chuckling]" "[Brandi giggles]" "Verywell." "It is so hot in here!" "[Mary gasps]" "Holy Jesus!" "[Screams]" "Brandi, what are you doing?" "You're not in Eastern Europe anymore." "You can't do that." "I am so sorry about my cousin." "She's not used to our customs." "Jim, I apologise for recommending herto you." "Here's this, bythe way." "Got the mop." "Brandi, you left the mop in the car." "Now remember, it's called a car... not afanny." "Remember last time when you wanted me... to take a ride in your fanny." "BRANDl:" "Oh, dear, I'm so sorry." "FlNCH:" "You knowwhat?" "We should probablyjust go." "I'm so sorry about this." "I came byto make sure everything was in order." "The food smells great." "Jim, you have unique friends." "Harold!" "Let's get that cleaned up." "I think I saw some Pine-Sol in here, too." "[Mary and Harold scream]" "MARY:" "Baby, Mary and Joseph." "HAROLD:" "Oh, my Lord!" "jim:" "He's okay." "MARY:" "Are you all right?" "Who did this to you?" "I'm sure he's okay." "You okay?" "Get some help!" "Harold, call the police!" "All right!" "jim:" "Jesus." "KRYSTAL:" "I'll take charge from here!" "My God, they are fast here." "And nicely attired." "What's going on here?" "She's here to protect and serve." "Quiet!" "Okay." "Who let this boy out ofthe closet?" "You're all in for punishment now!" "Don't touch him!" "He's been hurt." "No." "This is hurt!" "You can't dothat." "Silence, fucker!" "You like it." "Harold, what's gotten intoyou?" "I meant...." "Dirtywhore." "Shutyour hole." "Obey!" "[Mary screaming]" "HAROLD:" "You can't dothat." "MARY:" "You're adisgracetothe force." "KRYSTAL:" "I'll be giving you an enema!" "[All screaming together]" "STlFLER:" "All right, forget it." "We give up." "MARY:" "Steven!" "STlFLER:" "It's okay, Mary." "MARY:" "What's going on?" "Listen, this isn't working, guys." "Krystal, you can drop the act." "This isn't a real cop." "Kevin wasn't assaulted." "I just wanted to make Jim look good for you guys." "Like a real hero." "Kind of like me." "We hired a fake cop, tied up Kevin, and put him in the closet." "Jim was supposed to untie him, give him mouth-to-mouth." "I don't knowwhat he likes to do." "Then Paul Finch hired an exotic dancer instead of a real actor." "Jim, is this true?" "Everyword of it." "That is the stupidest idea I have ever heard." "You've embarrassed me, Harold, and Mr. Belvedere." "It's all my fault." "I'm a bad person." "You're not a bad person." "You were just trying to help out your best friend." "It was an awful idea, but I suppose it's the thought that counts." "[Stammering] You know, actually..." "I never should have allowed... such a crazy plan to happen in the first place." "Ifyou're gonna blame anybody here... blame me." "MARY:" "I'm sorry." "I didn't realise how much pressure we put on you." "I'm sureyou both learned your lesson... and I suppose I understand." "Jim, ifyou put half as much energy intoyour marriage... asyou did tonight, I'm confident that I can giveyou my blessing." "And, Steven, we still adoreyou, honey." "In fact, I think I know who should hold ontothis." "We adoreyou." "You'll take good care ofit." "You've gotto be kidding me." "No." "Lookit." "This really makes me importanttothewedding." "MARY:" "Yes." "Well, Mr. Belvedere, it's gonna be one fucked-upwedding." "Absolutely." "MARY:" "Drive carefully." "HAROLD:" "More bags in the study." "CADENCE:" "Thankyou." "STlFLER:" "You'rewelcome." "[Rock song plays]" "STlFLER:" "Is there any room for me?" "FlNCH:" "Nope." "I'll just drive up north all by myself." "That sounds good." "We'll seeyou later." "No, I'll drive with you." "STlFLER:" "Thanks, Cadence." "Beautiful lady." "I know." "Shut up." "So, my mum found the dogs playing with something unusual this morning." "What?" "I told her it was a neck massager." "These are great." "[Rock song continues]" "He's hilarious." "Yes." "That kind ofthing is so lethargicto me." "What do you mean?" "I'm not sure." "[Rock song intensifies]" "Mr. Stifler, I alreadytold you you called two days ago... and cancelled your reservation." "Since you nowwish to stay here..." "I thought you could persuade Mr. Finch to share his room." "Shithead, I didn't cancel my reservation." "Mr. Fuckface Finch called here." "And Mr. Idiot Behind the Desk cancelled it." "Christof, please pardon my friend's uncouth behaviour." "I did no such thing." "Nor did I, sir." "And your rudeness and obscenities won't change anything." "I guess it doesn't matter ifl call you a crotchface... you ball-scratching fucker." "Or betteryet, go blowyour dad." "concierge:" "My dad?" "STlFLER:" "Hear, hear." "FlNCH:" "While you're there, stick a finger up their arses... whileyou're down there." "Finch, rudeness and obscenity won't change anything." "Here's athought:" "Grow a sack, fill itwith some balls... magically sprout a dick, shove it upyour arse... and start fucking yourselflike, "Yeah, baby!"" "You going with whatI'm saying?" "[Groans]" "This is disgusting." "Why don't you go dust with your perverse European cousin?" "ls she here?" "Unbelievable." "MARY:" "I'd like to book atee time for my husband... and a European pumpkin peel facial for me, please." "Make that two." "DAD:" "You'll have a fun weekend, Ma." "GRANDMA:" "I am missing my soap." "Don't you worry about your soaps." "Will you push faster?" "I'm tired." "And wait till you meet Michelle." "You'll love her." "She's sweet as sugar." "I can't eat sugar." "I know, because you're diabetic." "You know, Ma..." "I knowthings haven't been going well foryou." "I knowthat." "But wait till you see Jim standing there at the altartomorrow." "If evertherewas atimeto be happy and smilethe biggest smile... now isthetime." "Okay." "I'm overjoyed." "That's astart." "Proud grandmother coming through." "Grandson's getting married tomorrow." "You thinkshe's happy now, wait till tomorrow." "jim: "Congratulations."" ""Grooming."" "[Rap song plays]" "[Electric razor humming]" "You got bigger." "The flowers stay refrigerated until morning...." "MUM:" "I'm sure theywill." "MARY:" "They're so pretty...." "[All coughing]" "Jimmy, no!" "I'm sorry." "I hope you'll be more careful with the next one." "My kitchen is not atoilet, okay?" "Boy, pubic hairwas just not an issue when I was dating." "The ladies never complained... when theywere, you know, down in that general area" "Okay, ifyou never mention that ever again, that'd be great." "Shouldn't have brought it up." "CADENCE:" "So, can I see the ring?" "STlFLER:" "Nope." "I promised to keep it safe." "It's not leaving my pocket." "Okay, Frodo." "You really care about this wedding, don't you?" "I'm gonna cry at the ceremony." "I know it." "Are you just saying all ofthis?" "I mean, do you act differently around certain people?" "Namely me?" "Of course not." "Why?" "Do you act differently around me?" "Generally, I'm just me." "If people don't like it, that's their problem." "Yeah." "Fuckthose fuckers." "What?" "I didn't" "No, you're right." "Fuck 'em." "STlFLER:" "Harold and Mary!" "HAROLD:" "Hi, kids." "How's it going?" "MARY:" "Come on." "Thanks forwatching the dogs." "I lovethese guys." "Hey, guys, want more Snausages?" "There you go." "STlFLER:" "Eat 'em up." "There you go." "I don't think I have any left." "CADENCE:" "What's wrong?" "STlFLER:" "Shit." "Are you okay?" "Yeah." "michelle:" "You kissed Stifler?" "CADENCE:" "Yeah." "But then he freaked." "It's like he's been paying more attention to the dogs than me." "Can I stop worrying then?" "Michelle, he's been nothing but nice to me." "michelle:" "I mean, do you think he really likes you?" "I don't know." "I hope he likes me." "I mean, I think he likes me." "Yeah, I guess I hope he likes me." "Do it." "Don't fuck around." "Just relax and let it go." "I'm sick ofwaiting." "Do it forDaddy." "Will you just take a shit already?" "Great." "You fed the ring to the dogs, didn't you?" "[Snickers]" "Of course not!" "You have been staring at those dogs like a hawk all day." "I'm a dog lover." "Bythe way, apparentlyyou missed when Cadence kissed me." "Slight tongue action, too." "It was something like this." "[Slobbering]" "You're aterrible liar, Stifler." "Ifl were lying, I'd thinkof something betterthan a kiss." "Maybe a blowjob or sometittie grabbing." "No pussyforyou, Finch." "[Gruntsvictoriously]" "Fucking right, doggy!" "It's about goddamn time!" "Jackpot!" "Now ifyou'll excuse me, I have some shit to attend to." "[Groans]" "Thanks, arseholes." "MUM:" "Yeah, maybe you can call him." "MARY:" "Okay." "MARY:" "Steve, come over here." "I'm a little busy." "MARY:" "With what?" "Come on over." "We need you." "HAROLD:" "Get over here, you rascal." "We were talking about Michelle's wedding band." "Could I see it?" "No." "No?" "I don't have it." "What?" "HAROLD:" "You mean you lost it?" "STlFLER:" "Of course not." "I'm keeping it safe in my room, you silly Sally!" "MARY:" "Thank goodness." "HAROLD:" "Sorry." "That's fine." "I'll see it later." "STlFLER:" "Okay." "All right, then." "MARY:" "What do you have in your hand?" "This one?" "No, the other one." "STlFLER:" "It's a chocolate truffle." "MUM:" "Yummy." "MARY:" "Where did you get that?" "The caterersaid she was saving the truffles for tomorrow." "You sneaky devil." "I managed to sneak one right past her." "Come on, this woman loves chocolate." "HAROLD:" "At least give her a tiny nibble." "MARY:" "Give it to Momma." "Momma don't want this." "This is the only piece that I have." "Idiot." "Break it in half." "Come on." "You knowwhat?" "Let's just leave the surprises till tomorrow." "It's gonna be a great day." "I'd like my surprise now." "STlFLER:" "No, it's mine." "MARY:" "Come on!" "MARY:" "Give it to me." "STlFLER:" "No." "MARY:" "Give the darn truffle." "[Mary gasps]" "HAROLD:" "Steven, that is so selfish." "STlFLER:" "It's good." "HAROLD:" "Is it?" "Is it sweet?" "It's so sweet." "[Retches]" "Close your mouth when you chew, Steven." "Don't do that." "At least you could describe to the lovelywoman howtasty it is." "Tastes like twigs and berries." "ls it Swiss or French chocolate?" "Maybe German." "HAROLD:" "Really?" "Is it creamy?" "STlFLER:" "Yeah, it's creamy." "HAROLD:" "Easyto go down, right?" "Well, I'm trying to savourthe flavour right now." "HAROLD:" "Is it fresh?" "STlFLER:" "It's so fresh." "HAROLD:" "Nothing betterthan when they're fresh." "Nothing better." "HAROLD:" "The problem is you can't eat just one, can you?" "No, you can't." "HAROLD:" "But you've got to know when to stop, don't you?" "You really do, but it's hard." "It's really hard." "HAROLD:" "Droppings from the gods." "Get me another one, darling." "Come on." "You selfish boy." "Next time, bring enough for everybody." "Let's keep this to ourselves?" "Okay?" "Okay." "I gotta go." "HAROLD:" "Don't have any more, 'cause it's gonna spoil your appetite." "Okay." "Look, man, I gotta go." "Grandma, I want you to meet some people." "jim:" "Grandma, this is Michelle." "I'm so proud to be joining your family." "jim:" "She's real pretty, huh?" "Isn'titgreat?" "We're getting married." "It's amazing, Gram." "GRANDMA:" "Not Jewish!" "No wedding, Jimmy!" "GRANDMA:" "Forget it." "jim:" "Grandma." "A goyeh!" "jim:" "Shit." "michelle:" "Jim, she hates me." "[Mutters]" "Oh, my God!" "Grandma, look, we love each other." "Michelle and I love each other very much." "That's all that matters." "Michelle." "DAD:" "But Grandma's okay?" "jim:" "She's okay." "Yeah, Dad." "She's okay." "She's just a little tired." "My mother hasn't been well." "She's been feeling...." "When your dad sees the look on Grandma's face... it's gonna break his heart." "Because of me." "Michelle, it's not because ofyou at all." "It's because Grandmathinks it's 1801." "Look, don'tworry." "I'll come upwith something." "I promised you thewedding ofyour dreams... and I'm not gonna let anything ruin it." "I would liketo propose atoast." "These last fewweeks have really been something... for my lovelywife and me." "We have met some people we didn't know existed." "We've experienced some things we didn't think were possible." "We've always tried to make the best of every situation." "This is a good situation." "That's what I'm saying." "This is a wonderful situation." "The coming together oftwo families... from different backgrounds." "So to our new son-in-law, maywe say Éireann go Bráugh." "And to our lovely daughter Michelle, L'Chaim." "Did I get that right?" "Very good." "HAROLD:" "And let's hope we can sit many happy shivas together." "Here's to a wonderful wedding." "[All toasting]" "See that, Shitbreak?" "I told you I won." "I just wanted to say I'm sorry... if I freaked you out with the whole kiss thing." "You didn't freak me out." "I just wanted to let you knowthat... you make me feel special." "I thinkyou're the most special girl I've ever known." "Maybe you'd want to make things extra special tonight." "Which room is yours?" "I'm crashing at Kevin's." "STlFLER:" "Damn." "CADENCE:" "But I saw... a big, fluffy linen closet at the end ofthe main hallway." "Big, fluffy linen closet is good." "Midnight?" "All right." "Okay." "STlFLER: [Singing] I'm going to have-a sex-a with-a Cadence" "I'm going to have-a sex-a with-a Cadence" "[Stifler whooping]" "Jesus!" "You fucking stalker!" "You're not a very stealthy thief." "Really?" "Guess what, Shitbreak?" "It's a wedding." "Everything's free." "What do you want?" "Stifler, Jim's grandma doesn't approve ofthe wedding." "We're trying to run interference... and, reluctantly, I am asking foryour help." "Sorry, Finchmeister, I got plans with Cadence." "Maybe you could forget about your dick for one second... and actually be useful." "Fuckyou, Finch." "You didn't eat shit, okay?" "You didn't prance around like a ballerinaforthewholeweek." "Wedding this, suck my arsethat." "I'm special, you're special." "We'rejusta bunch ofspecial fuckers, aren'twe?" "You knowwhat?" "I'm-a gonna getlaid, Finchfucker." "And it's gonna be oh-so-good, like:" ""You like this shit, momma?"" "She's gonna be like, "Fucking right, doggy." "Give it to me!" ""Suck on my nipples like you're milking a cow."" "[Sucking sounds]" "[Stifler imitates cow mooing]" "You been here long?" "Shit." "Cadence, it is my distinct pleasure to introduce you... to the real Steve Stifler." "Hi." "Hi." "Pumpkin." "You are quitethe gentleman." "You could'vetold me shewas behind me." "Between Grandma, Stifler, and Cadence...." "The cake." "I mean, areyou kidding me?" "You know, I thought I had grown out ofthis sort ofbehaviour." "But I keep messing up." "Thesethings keep happening to me." "Ifl can't bring ittogether for one day... how am I gonna hold ittogether forthe rest ofour lives?" "I'm reallyafraid this is how it's always gonna be." "Yeah, butyou always manage to getyourselfinto serious shit... and somehowyou always come out ofit betterthan you went in." "I don't know how, butyou do." "Everything is gonna be fine." "You need to come intothe kitchen right now." "There's...." "Jesus, nowwhat?" "[Jim sighs]" "There is nowayto remake all these in time, isthere?" "Something must have disrupted the power." "Compressors need time to reset after a power loss... orthey overheat." "Essentially, it turns the refrigerator into an oven." "Stifler was in here earlier flipping switches." "Michelle, I am so sorry." "[Door opens]" "Those flowers look hideous." "That's 'cause you killed them." "michelle:" "You've ruined everything." "What are you talking about?" "You obviously don't care about this wedding, or anyone in it." "Cadence." "Jim?" "Shitbreak, come on." "[Sentimental instrumental music]" "Maybe you should just leave, Stifler." "Fine." "Adios." "[Soft rock song plays]" "STlFLER:" "Fuckers!" "It's not my fault!" "I'm not an electrical Einstein." "I'm not...." "Damn it." "[Tyres screeching]" "[Rock song plays]" "Fuck!" "Hey, flower fuckers, you there?" ""Zyskowski."" "STlFLER:" "Hello?" "Are you awake?" "Shit." "Come on." "Anybody awake?" "[Stifler exclaiming in joy]" "Are you Ms. Zyskowski?" "Who are you?" "I'm the guy who just killed all the flowers... forthe Levenstein-Band Geekwedding." "What?" "Yeah, I'm that guy." "Now, what I need you to do... is drag your arse down to your little store... gather up some flowers, slice them, dice them, jam them all together... and cart that crap down to the wedding." "Are you completely insane?" "You have no idea." "ZYSKOWSKl:" "Even if I overlooked the fact... that this is the rudest thing I've ever encountered... there is no time to redo all that work." "I had four assistants working two full days on that wedding." "I'm sorry." "It's impossible." "[Stifler exclaiming in dismay]" "We don't quit at halftime, ma'am!" "You don't score until you score!" "That's the spirit, sweetheart." "[Rock song plays]" "STlFLER:" "Come on." "Fuckthe pain." "Ifyou guys had been working this hard... we could've beat the Wildcats." "Come on, fuckers." "Come on." "Let's see some determination." "Determination!" "Hold the vase." "That's it!" "Come on, keep working!" "STlFLER:" "Good, Connor." "Very good." "Good, DeBoer." "It really sucks." "Go fix it." "Hey, party guy, having a good time?" "Can I get you a gin and tonic?" "Hold on a second." "Hello?" "Okay." "It's for you." "It's get to work, fucker." "We are gathered here today... to join these two great people in a blessed union... and blah-da-blah-da-blah and crap." "Coach?" "This is kind of gay." "Yeah, it is." "Good work." "Hey, no problem." "So, you got a date forthis thing?" "Don't push it." "Sorry." "Holy shit." "jim:" "Howthe hell did this happen?" "michelle:" "It's a miracle." "jim:" "Stifler." "STlFLER:" "Save it, dickhead." "I'm working." "You're an arsehole." "I know." "You really are an arsehole." "Thanks." "[Clears throat]" "I don't do apologies so good." "Well, you get an "A" for effort." "This is amazing." "Cool." "I was always kind of a "C" student." "So did you do all this just to have sexwith me... or because you really care about the wedding?" "Both." "[Romantic instrumental music]" "And..." "[Mumbles] I really like you." "What?" "I like you." "That's an honest answer." "I gotta go." "Steve Stiflerjust gave a rose to a girl, and meant it." "This is huge." "It's like watching monkeys use tools forthe first time." "Are you still pissed about me and Cadence?" "No, let's see... she wasn't into the heavy intellectual stuff." "She actually liked me being that imbecile." "No." "Somehow, I think she's probably better offwith you." "Thanks, Shitbreak." "Dick." "I fucking hate not hating you." "I did fuckyour mum." "Twice." "That's better, fucker!" "[Knocking on door]" "Readyto go?" "STlFLER:" "The wedding's not for an hour." "CADENCE:" "No, I mean you and me." "Hold on." "Do I still got to do this bullshit meeting?" "Stifler, you are not bailing on Jim." "Shit!" "Give me 10 minutes?" "CADENCE:" "I'll meetyou atthe closet." "STlFLER:" "Atthe closet." "DAD:" "You wanted to see me, Michelle?" "michelle:" "Okay." "Sit." "Jim said thatyou've always kind ofbeen there forhim... when he needed you." "So I thought maybe you could help me." "Jim said that?" "What's the problem?" "I still can't get myvows right." "I haven't been this confused since I got my first period." "That's avery confusing time for anyyoung lady." "You know, your body is going through changes." "Stuff coming out, stuff going in." "No." "I need helpwith myvows, not my period." "Yourvows." "Yes, good." "Go on." "Jim justwants agroomsmen meeting beforethewedding." "It shouldn'ttake long." "Just don't let hertalktoanyone." "All right." "Becareful." "She'sfeisty." "Okay, let's go." "Hey, guys." "Thanks for coming out here and meeting me." "I just have acouple ofthings I want to say." "This sucks." "Did I saythat out loud?" "Keep going." "It's good." "You know, I thought aboutwhatyou said, Kev... about how my problems always seem to work out." "And I realised that the reason things always work out... is because you guys have always been there to back me up." "Even you, Stifler." "Forthe first time in my life..." "I actually feel like I can't mess anything up." "[Soft instrumental music]" "Which is pretty amazing." "So I guess I just wanted to say thankyou." "Thanks." "Thanks?" "This whole thing was about thanks?" "You're welcome, cock block." "That was good, Jim." "Real nice." "Let's get you married." "Okay." "DAD:" "Love is very difficult to describe." "And I understand the angst." "I mean, it's yourwedding." "And it's perfectly natural." "But it's impossible to describe a feeling." "Okay, first, nothing is impossible." "So let's not focus on that." "Why do you think, Michelle... they call it making love?" "I don't know." "I just call it boning." ""Boning"?" "When you're doing otherthings with Jim... when you're not boning... how does he makeyou feel?" "Horny, like I wantto bone." "Butwe can't be boning from sunriseto sunset, dear." "You've nevertried it?" "I certainly have." "I have." "I've boned." "From sunrise, right through brunch, on more than one occasion." "But boning aside..." "I think they call it making love because... you have to make love work." "You know, it's about compromise and sacrifice... and I think Jim has sacrificed for you." "My God, he shaved his entire pubic region... which would baffle most cultures around the world, but he did it." "And he did it foryou." "You're right." "Love isn't just afeeling." "It's shaving your balls." "Thanks, Dad." "I wouldn't get intotoo much detail on that, dear." "STlFLER:" "Excuse me." "Pardon me." "Yeah." "Excuse me." "Touch me." "Fuck me." "I'm gonna have sex with Cadence." "[Fast-paced instrumental music]" "Son, I think this is probably the right time to tell you that...." "I know, Dad." "STlFLER:" "I can't see anything here." "[Clattering]" "There you are." "Guys, what are you doing?" "Where's Jim's grandma?" "The old bitch sucked." "We had to ditch her." "You what?" "Don't worry." "We put her someplace no one will find her." "MARY:" "Cadence, where are you going?" "CADENCE:" "Mum." "STlFLER:" "Baby, I'm so ready forthis." "[Stifler unzips]" "STlFLER:" "Your body's not quite what I was expecting." "But that's okay." "The Stiffman digs what's underneath." "[Stifler kissing]" "You are so beautiful." "[Stifler moans]" "I just wanted" "[Gasps]" "FlNCH:" "Stifler!" "Granny." "Granny what?" "Focus!" "It's not what it looks like!" "Shut the fucking door!" "You got it, champ." "[Stifleryells in exasperation]" "[Soft pop song plays]" "You're a hero." "Hey, pussy's pussy." "Look at the smile on my mother's face." "Do you know how long she's been waiting for a day like this?" "I can't imagine." "I couldn't be happier." "Thankyou." "Don't." "HAROLD:" "Good luck." "jim:" "Thankyou, sir." "What made Grandmacome around?" "jim:" "Finch said Stiflertalked to her." "michelle:" "Stifler?" "Grandmotherfucker." "You're a motherfucker." "Yes, I am." "You son of a bitch." "jim:" "And I promise to love you for as long as I shall live." "Michelle, you are the one woman I want to be with... and the woman I can't be without." "I love you." "I love you." "[Romantic instrumental music]" "I had trouble finding the words to tell you how I feel... and I realised something." "Love isn't just a feeling." "Love is something you do." "It's a dress, avisit to band camp... a special haircut." "Jim, you've given me everything I've everwanted... and it is my solemn vow to give everything I am to you." "michelle:" "Thanks." "James Emanuel Levenstein and Michelle Annabeth Flaherty..." "I hereby pronounce you husband and wife." "You may kiss the bride." "[All clapping]" "EMCEE:" "Let's all welcome..." "Mr. and Mrs. Jim and Michelle Levenstein... onto the dance floor." "Just follow my lead." "I'll try." "[Soft rock song playing]" "[People clapping]" "I taught him that." "Jim, you learnt to dance." "Well, it seems like everything worked out." "Magnificently." "I feel a bit sad... that tonight our little Michelle is gonna be awoman." "Honey, you don't honestly believe that Michelle is still a" "I tell you, I can't recall a single momentwith either one ofthem... thatwould make methinkotherwise." "Thankyou." "See?" "[Sighs in relief]" "Hey, tough guy." "Stifler's mum." "Well, we meet again." "I was curious." "Didn't seeyou here." "I tryto keep a low profile." "I never really did like thesethings, anyway." "You know, this has actually made quite an impression on me." "I have something to look for in awoman now." "Well, ifthis isyour idea ofa proposal, Finchy... you gotta know that I'm overyou now." "And I'm overyou." "But asthey say, wewill always have Paris." "And the pool table." "And the car." "And the two-room suite I have upstairs." "Come here." "This turned out better than I could ever imagine." "How did a little perv like you turn into such a great guy?" "How did a little nympho like you turn into such a great girl?" "I'm still a nympho." "I'm still a perv." "I know." "What's wrong with us?" "[Soft rock song continues playing]" "You did it." "You know, Michelle, to quote someone I've learned quite a bit from..." "I thinkyou and I are..." ""a perfectly natural, normal thing."" "Perfectly natural." "JOHN:" "That's her." "Holy shit, dude." "justin:" "I told you thiswedding would beworth it." "JOHN:" "Oh, my goddess." "My queen." "JOHN:" "My milf." "justin:" "milf." "justin:" "Noway, bro." "STlFLER'S MUM:" "Hey, you're not finished yet, areyou, Finchy?" "No, ma'am." "Just getting started." "This guy isthe fucking master." "Oh, no!" "Make it stop." "FlNCH:" "Stifler's mum." "[Bubbling]" "[Soft rock song plays]" "[Upbeat rock song plays]" "[Soft instrumental music]"