" Hey, what up, C?" " Hey, Will." "Bacon, avocado, and mayonnaise." "Alex, the question is, "What are three things found in Uncle Phil's beard?"" "Yuck!" "Now, I lost my appetite." "Thanks a lot, Will." "No, thank you, man." "Master William, here are the maps you requested for your road trip." "Thanks a lot, G." "University of Nevada." "Where at graduation... they don't wear their tassels on their caps, if you know what I'm saying." "Y ou sure are lucky, Will." "Spending the weekend at a college campus with 4,000 hot coeds... and you get to bunk with Dad and Sara Lee." "Crocket anyone?" "Jazz, you all right, man?" "Y ou got a kind of a Clark Kent-Urkel thing jumping all over you." "Actually, Will, he looks like me." "Well, yeah, that's what I was saying." "I'm all ready for my trip to college." "About time, too." "I spent eight years in high school." "Jazz, Uncle Phil is going to be my chaperon... and I don't think he wants you to come, buddy." "Well, I guess I better return these stupid, funky clothes." "Here, Carlton." " Hello, Master William." " Hey, what's up, G?" "Hey, check it out." "I just finished making my schedule for the weekend." "Figure if I work fast, I can see everything that this college has to offer." "This is a list of sororities." "Yes, sir, from alpha to gamma to bad Mama-Jamma." "Silly me." "When I went to university, I actually spent most of my time studying." "Well, yeah, but look at you now, G." "Touché." "Did you by any chance see Murder, She Wrote last week?" " No." " Good." "Watch your back." " I just love having a little brother." " Me, too." "Isn't it cute the way he burps and drools and dribbles?" "Look, you guys, Carlton's 18 now." "I don't think we should continue to encourage that type of behavior." "We're talking about the new baby." "I never thought I'd actually enjoy taking care of one." "It's for you, Geoffrey." "We better get to the club." "All right, but I draw the line at breastfeeding." "Hey, Uncle Phil, you ready to burn some rubber, make some tracks?" " Cough up a lung?" " No." "It's okay." "I'm fine." "I never felt better." "Call an ambulance." "Whoa, whoa." "Uncle Phil, man, you can't do this to me." "I've been planning this trip for months." "Hey, I tell you what." "Come on, you can make it." "There's a Dodger dog in it for you." "I'm sorry, Will, I don't think I can make it." "No, no, no." "Y es, you can." "Come on, Uncle Phil." "Come on." "Look, Will, you're just going to have to call the university and cancel, that's all." "Uncle Phil, why can't you trust me to go by myself?" "Because I'm smarter than the average bear." "All right." "Look, Uncle Phil, if you can't trust me..." "I mean, there's got to be somebody you trust me to go with." "Hey-ho, campers." "Cut it out, Will." "No hijinks while driving, young man." "And fasten that seatbelt." "It's the law." "Yes, sir, Deputy Dawg." "Carlton, did you see that billboard?" "Come on, man, I'm starving." "Yes, hello, this is Tony Montana." "I just saw your billboard on the highway." "If you know what's good for you... you'll make me a pepperoni pizza with anchovies on it." "Will, what do you think you're doing?" "What's it sound like I'm doing?" "Yeah, no, we're going north on l-80." "Just look for the little, square-head guy... who can just barely see over the steering wheel." "Grow up, Will." "Oh, Carlton, Carlton." "Hey, hey, hey." "What's up girls?" "Oh, no." "Slow down." "We could use a little roadside assistance, you know?" "Will, do you want me to turn this car around?" "I want you to speed up and catch up with them girls, man." "That's it, mister, you're on a time-out." "Carlton, man, look." "Y ou really need to loosen up, man." "Look, we're young and we're single." "One of us is really handsome, the other one is you." "But, come on, man, we're kids." "It's our job to act like idiots." "That's your job, Will." "I'm here representing Dad." "My job is to ruin your fun." "And you really love your work, don't you?" "What's wrong now?" "Look, man, I got to go bathroom." "I'm sorry, but the next bathroom break isn't scheduled for another 33 minutes." "Well, that may be so, but whether you stop or not, I'm going in one minute." "I don't get a good feeling about this place, Will." "It's cool." "I'll take care of it." "We ain't black." "We just got back from Hawaii." "Look, you have exactly 45 seconds to get back from the bathroom." "If you're not back, I'm leaving without you." "Carlton, it may take you 45 seconds... but it takes a fully grown man a little while longer." "Yeah, well, you just wasted about 15 seconds, buddy." " You smell chicken?" " Forget about it, Will." "Rule number 13, no poultry in the car." "Are we there yet?" "Will, I think the engine's knocking." "That's not where the engine is, stupid." "Chicken, my brother?" "Jazz, how did you get in the trunk?" "It was easy." "Oh, by the way, you need a new lock for your garage." "Wow." "College." "Just like I imagined it." "Can I help you fellows?" "Yeah, I guess you might as well fill her up." "And wash the windows." "And look under the hood for... you know, hood things." "I don't know how people play these things." "They're so boring." "Hey, touch that handle, Granny, and you'll be pulling back a nub." "Hey, Homer." "What's up with the Benz, man?" "Well, considering my limited experience with foreign cars... this being the first one anyone's actually let me touch..." "I think it went pretty well." "Let me guess." "Y ou have a nuclear reactor in your backyard, don't you?" "What do we owe you?" "It's $300." "There's $25 for the gas... and $275 to call Germany to find out whether it took regular or unleaded." "Yo, man, are you crazy?" "Well, I prefer the term "emotionally challenged."" "And you still owe me $300." "This guy's scaring me." "Let's just pay him and get out of here." " Do you prefer a check or credit card?" " Cash." "Well, I've only got $40 cash." "You've got to take a credit card." "I mean, everyone takes credit cards." "What kind of hick are you?" "The kind that don't take credit cards." "I'm afraid I'm just going to have to keep the car." "Whoa, whoa." "Homer, Homer, Homer." "Chill, check it out, man, look." "I got $30." "Jazz, how much you got?" "Well, between this soda can and what I got in my wallet..." "I'm good for a nickel." "Look, Homer, check it out." "We'll get you your money, man." "We just need a few minutes, all right?" "All right, it's no problem." "If you need me, I'll be at McDonald's watching the numbers change." "Great, what are we going to do now?" "All right, all right." "Look, let's just think, man." "I'm sure we can come up with something if we just put our heads together." "You got me." "Yes, yes, yes!" "Come to Lola." "Coming." "All right, check it out." "We going to get paid right here." " Carlton, give me your money." " Forget it, Will." "I will not let you succumb to the base pleasures of gambling." "Besides, we're underage." "Can I get $40 in quarters?" "What do you say, Jazz?" "Y ou turn my $30 into $300?" "Does James Brown use a hot comb?" "Jazz, that was our last chip, man." "Don't worry, man." "We got her right where we want her." "Full house." "Y es!" "Jazz, you lost all our money, man." "I thought you said you knew how to play poker." "Poker?" "Y ou mean this isn't Go Fish?" "Tough luck, boys." "Next victim?" "Hey, Lola, Lola, baby." "Check it out." "Looky here." "I thought we had an understanding, you know?" "I mean, where I come from, when a man is nice to you... you don't take all his money." "I mean, at least not while he's still awake." "You're breaking my heart." "Take a hike." "Lola, baby, come on." "I mean, you got to give me a chance to win my money back." "I mean, 'cause if you don't, then I'm not going to be able to get my car." "Come on, baby, have a heart." "I'm just a poor black man trying to get to a panty raid." "All right, look, I'll give you a job." "You can work off your debts." "Like Woodrow here." "Y eah, my Studebaker broke down way back in '78." "I've been working here all this time to pay it off." "Fifteen more years and you can just eat my dust." "Check it out." "Look, Lola..." "I don't want to die here an old white man, okay?" " Will." " What?" " What?" " Come here." "Excuse me." "What?" "I think I got the answer to our problem right here in my sock." "Jazz, ain't nobody going to pay no money to see your sixth toe." "Allow me, my brother." "Yo, you've been holding out on me." "I'm sorry." "Emergency bean-pot fund." "Miss Lola, can I interest you in a game of chance?" "I'm listening." "Okay." "I'm thinking of a number between one and ten." " What is it?" " Four." "Damn!" "You boys are pathetic." "All right, I'm going to give you another shot, slim." "Double or nothing, high card wins." "All right, you're on." "Black queen." "Something I can relate to." "Scaboom!" "A black king, and I don't mean Shaka Zulu." "Thank you." "Quarters." "I have to have quarters, Will." " Carlton, wait." " See, I know I can beat it." " Carlton, listen..." " First, it was bell, bell, cherry." " Right." " And then cherry, lemon, lemon." " Carlton..." " But now, it's just cherry, cherry, bell." "Cherry, cherry, bell." "Cherry, cherry, bell!" "Every time a cherry, cherry, bell!" "Carlton!" "Get a grip on yourself, man." "Look, I got the money for the car." "We can leave." "Come on." "No, I can't." "It's this damn thing." "It just sits there taunting me." ""What's wrong, Carlton?"" ""Lost your nerve, sissy boy?"" "Look, you got to help me, Will." "Make it stop." " Carlton..." " Okay, everybody, stand back." "If I apply the Vulcan death grip, and press real hard right here..." "I believe I can make him black out." "Jazz." "Look, look, Carlton." "Listen, if you get in the car right now..." "I promise we can sing the theme to West Side Story, okay?" "You can be Maria." "I just want to play a few more times." "Boy, did you hear what I said?" "Get your butt in that car right now." "Don't you roll your eyes at me." "I can't leave now, Will." "See, I figured the odds." "If I just play 9,063 more times, I know I can beat it." "Wait, Carlton, Carlton, listen." "This is what gambling does to you, all right?" "It's a disease and it's evil." "Stop it." "Right now." "Buzz off, flattop." "Hey, Carlton, I ain't playing with you, man." " Get your butt in that car right now!" " Why don't you just get off my damn back?" "Okay, see, now it's on." "All right, see, my mother don't talk to me like that." "Come on, Jazz, let's go." "I mean, Jazz, we was right for leaving Carlton, right?" "Absolutely." "I mean, I've been looking forward to this weekend for a long time." "And there ain't no way that I should miss out on it... just cause he got the hots for the slots." "You on a roll with a side of slaw." "I mean, what?" "He expect us to babysit him... while he have a nervous breakdown?" "He's so selfish, man." "That boy put the "E" in ignorant." "I'm just saying, look, it ain't no way I'm letting Carlton ruin this weekend." "Are we slowing down?" "I mean, nothing, but nothing, should stand between a man and his Phi Beta booty." "Will, you're only doing 20 over the speed limit." "What's wrong?" "Look, didn't I say nothing's wrong, man?" "Except the fact that I got a tank full of gas, a campus full of honeys... and all I keep thinking about is that little midget we left back there." "Will, honestly, I don't think Ashley wanted to come along." "I'm not talking about Ashley." "I'm talking about Carlton, man." "We left him back there without a friend in the world." "Then he should feel right at home." "Yeah, you know what, I think you're right, man." "He don't need us and we don't need him." "Could luck be a lady tonight?" "Tramp." "Michael Jackson impression?" "Only a quarter." "Here's 50 cents." "Now, get out of my face." "Cool." "Evening, Bo." "What can I get you?" "Shirley Temple." "Hey, no giggling when you bring it to me." "I'll draw your portrait for a quarter." "Yeah!" "No!" "That's my money." "I've been feeding this machine all night." "Those quarters are mine." "Hey, man, what do you think you're doing?" "Get out of my way." "This is my money." " I don't like your attitude." " Can it, steroid breath." "What did you say?" "See?" "He's doing great." "Come on, Bo, now knock it off." "You might break something." "Yeah, like my cousin." "Y o, yo, chill." "What's up?" "What's up, man?" "Bigfoot here stole my quarters." "Carlton, I'm just guessing here, but name calling?" "Bad idea." "Hey, man, you tore my shirt." "My mother bought me this shirt." "And you know, I'm sure she's a really fine woman." "But you got plenty of quarters." "Why don't you go call your mom, have her send you a new shirt?" "I don't want a new shirt." "I want to clean the bar with his face." "I'm saying, my brother, pick on somebody your own size." "So what are you saying?" "Well, I mean, I wasn't suggesting me specifically." "Bo, now this isn't a fair fight." "Any bets?" "I'll take $5 on the big guy." "I'm saying, ain't nobody going to chump me." "I ain't no punk." "You know, Will, you don't have to..." "Look, the time comes when a man has to take responsibility... and fight his own battles." "And I'll let you know when the time comes." "Give me $10 on Bo." "Prince, I know how you can take this dude." "How good are you at faking seizures?" "Thanks for the vote of confidence, Jazz." "Look, check it out." "Just take the keys, start the engine." "I'm going to bite him and jump in the car." "Let's get busy." "I ain't got all night." "Night/ine is on in two minutes." "Wait a minute." "Can I stretch first, please?" "Pull a muscle or something out here." "Anybody got any kryptonite in the house?" "Yeah, man, that's real funny." "Really?" "So you're not going to hit me?" "You're not that funny." "Well, no, but I can be, though." " That's funny, though, right?" " No." "Whoa, wait a minute, man." "You wait one damn minute!" "We brothers, man." "This is crazy." "I mean, we shouldn't be out here about to fight over a couple quarters." "I mean, in this cruel, hard world... we got to stick together, man." "Or we done, man." "And if you want to be the brother... that casts the first stone for the degradation of the entire race... then you go right ahead." "Did you get the feeling back in your head yet?" "You say something, Uncle Phil?" "Will, I just want to thank you for standing up for me." "Man, look, it was nothing." "What is family for?" "Plus, we shouldn't have left you there in the first place, man." "Anything could have happened." "I'm sorry about that." " Are you crazy?" "I had the time of my life." " What?" "Will, for a little while, I was living on the edge." "I, Carlton Banks, recording secretary of the audio visual squad... was gambling, swearing, and staying up really, really late." "I mean, I feel so liberated." "Quick, open the back window." " Yo, for what, man?" " I'm going to moon Nevada." "Bottoms up." "Carlton, come on, put that thing away." "Someone's going to get hurt." "Don't worry, Will." "This is my lucky day." "I knew your butt was going to get us in trouble, man." "University of Nevada, here I come." "Where at graduation..." "I got all this... in my mouth." "I'm sorry." "Where at graduation..."