"?" "I'm goin' down to South Park?" "?" "Gonna have myself a time?" "?" "Friendly faces everywhere?" "?" "Humble folks without temptation?" "?" "Goin' down to South Park?" "?" "Gonna leave my woes behind?" "?" "Ample parking day or night?" "?" "People spouting "Howdy, neighbor"?" "?" "Headed on up to South Park?" "?" "Gonna see if I can't unwind?" "?" "So come on down to South Park?" "?" "And meet some friends of mine.?" "Okay, children, let's take our seats." "We have something very important to discuss." "Due to recent events around the country," "I've been instructed to teach you all about sexual harassment in school." "About what?" "Now, does anybody know what "sexual harassment" means?" "Yes, Eric?" "When you're trying to have intercourse with a lady friend, and some other guy comes up and tickles your balls from behind." "No, Eric, that's not what I'm talking about." "The school board has sent over a special guest to teach us all about sexual harassment in schools." "Please welcome Petey the sexual harassment panda." "?" "Who lives in the east 'neath the willow tree?" "?" "Sexual Harassment Panda?" "?" "Who explains sexual harassment to you and me?" "?" "Sexual Harassment Panda?" "?" "Don't say that, don't touch there?" "?" "Don't be nasty, says the silly bear?" "?" "He's gonna tell you what's right and wrong?" "?" "Sexual Harassment Panda?" "Hi, boys and girls." "Say hi to Sexual Harassment Panda." "Hi, Sexual Harassment Panda." "Did you know that when one little panda pulls on another little panda's underwear, that's sexual harassment?" "That makes me a sad panda." "This is freaking me out, dude." "And when one little panda puts his furry little willy in another panda's ear, that makes me a very sad panda." "Now, I'm going to pass out these booklets, and we're going to go through each and every sexual harassment law." "Aw!" ""Article 36, section 19:" ""One panda may not make sexual comments" ""about another panda's appearance." "If said panda... "" "Aw, dude, get me out of here." "I think Sexual Harassment Panda is cool." "You would think that, you little ass-sucker." "What did you call me?" "An ass-sucker." "It means you suck ass." "You see an ass and you suck it." "You're an ass-sucker." "That does it!" "I am suing you for sexual harassment!" "Uh-oh." "What?" "!" "You have sexually harassed me for the last time!" "It says right here that now I can sue you and take all of your money!" "That's right, he can." "No, you can't, you little ass-sucker." "Ooh!" "He did it again!" "You all heard him!" ""The first party of the first panda" ""may sue the second party panda unless that panda was said panda aforementioned panda. "" "This isCartman v. Marsh, case number 3433." "What is your complaint, Mr. Cartman?" "Your Honor, my lawyer is just parking the car." "He should be here any second." "Dude, he got a lawyer!" "?" "Sorry I'm late." "Dad?" "!" "Oh." "Hi, Kyle." "All right, let's move this along, shall we?" "Now, Eric Cartman, uh, you claim that Stan Marsh has sexually harassed you in school." "That is correct, my honor." "Oh, whatever." "He talked about having oral sex with my ass." "I called you an ass-sucker!" "Yes, that was it." "I was so upset," "I couldn't concentrate the rest of the day." "And the way his eyes kept looking at me." "Slowly going up and down my body, like he was undressing me with his eyes." "What?" "!" "Cartman, you call people names all the time!" "As you can see, Your Honor, my client is too upset to continue." "Mr. Marsh, what do you have to say?" "What do you mean?" "I need to hear your defense." "Uh..." "I'm eight?" "All right, this seems pretty open and shut." "Stan Marsh under the new "sexual harassment in schools" law," "I am forced to find you guilty." "Huh?" "!" "All right!" "We did it!" "Hooray!" "Since the defendant is under age and has no monetary resources, it is the judgement of this court that 50 percent of Stan Marsh's belongings are to be handed over to Eric Cartman immediately." "I have to give him half my stuff?" "!" "Sweet." "Let's see..." "I want that Climb Criminy game, and that Power Jim doll... and, let's see..." "Do you really like this remote-control truck?" "Yeah, dude, that's my favorite toy." "Oh, well, I'll just take that then." "And what about this?" "Is this one of your favorites?" "Uh, no, I hate that toy!" "Oh, then you won't mind if I take it." "Damn it!" "Here you go:" "As your legal fee, you can choose between the green choo-choo or the squishy football." "Hmm." "You know, Eric, I've been thinking, uh..." "Uh-huh." "That model airplane kit." "Go on." "Uh, you know, the people really responsible for your harassment is the public schools." "Perhaps we should sue them next." "Why should I sue the school?" "Well, because they're the ones that let this harassment go on, and they have a lot more money." "I think we could get a lot more out of this than half of Stan's belongings." "Interesting..." "Ooh!" "Stan's asthma inhaler!" "I want that!" "Answer the question." "Did you know that sexual harassment was going on in the classroom?" "No, I had no friggin' idea." "Mr. Garrison, do you know the definition of sexual harassment?" "Of course, and so does Mr. Hat." "We do not tolerate sexual harassment!" "You are the witness here, Mr. Garrison, not Mr. Hat." "I'm sorry, toots." "Did you or did you not hear my client being called an ass-sucker?" "Yes." "And you did nothing." "Oh, he is a little ass-sucker." "Mr. Garrison, I will remind you that we are in court!" "Okay, baby." "I'm sorry." "Principal Victoria, were you aware that my client was being harassed at your school?" "Well, not any more than any other student." "Oh, so you admit that harassment goes on!" "I don't know!" "You don't know?" "!" "You're the principal!" "I can't be around every second!" "So it does go on!" "All right, all right!" "I killed him!" "I hit him over the head and I cut up the body." "I tried to burn it but it wouldn't burn!" "Oh, the smell of it!" "I put the legs in garbage bags and hid the torso under a bridge." "I had to do it!" "Oh, God!" "Principal Victoria, was Eric Cartman called an ass-sucker?" "Yes or no?" "I believe so, yes." "That's sexual harassment." "Last, I'd like to bring up my expert witness, Sexual Harassment Panda." "?" "Who lives in the east 'neath a willow tree?" "?" "Sexual Harassment Panda.?" "Expert witness, did South Park Elementary allow sexual harassment to go on?" "Well, when one little panda asks another little panda to perform oral sex, that is sexual harassment." "And who's to blame?" "I'm afraid the law states that the school must be held responsible." "There you have it!" "Straight from the horse's mouth!" "Panda." "Pan-Panda's mouth." "After careful review, it is the judgment of this court that South Park Elementary pays Eric Theodore Cartman" "$1.3 million in damages." "All right!" "We did it, Eric!" "?" "Get down?" "?" "Get down and party!" "?" "That goes in the master bedroom." "Well, Kyle, what do you think of your new house?" "It's... big." "Yes, it is big, isn't it." "It is very big." "Dad, if the school has to pay you and Cartman $1.3 million, where does that money come from?" "Well, Kyle, schools have lots of money." "You see, we all pay taxes, and part of that tax money goes to public schools." "And it's from that money that we got our $1.3 million." "And you don't see a problem with that?" "No, it's a very fragile system that nature has designed." "All things flow into each other." "You're trying to confuse me now, aren't you?" "Sort of, yeah." "Okay, children, there's a few changes being made here at school, but lessons will go on as normal." "Any questions?" "Yes, Stan." "Where's our desks?" "Right." "Desks." "Well, a lot of cuts had to be made, since the school's funding is short for lawsuits." "You see, Cartman?" "!" "You see what this has done?" "!" "All I know is I got this sweet digital watch and these cool shoes." "I'm telling you guys, suing people kicks ass." "Wow!" "I wanna sue somebody!" "Me, too!" "I want to get a lawyer." "Yeah!" "Well, let's just try to cope with the changes and do our schoolwork." "Now, I'm going to write a sentence on the board, and I want you to tell me the noun." "I know, I know." "I'm sorry, children, but we can't afford chalk anymore." "I have to write on the chalkboard with this rusty nail." "Anyway, children, in the sentence "The ball is red... "" "Kids, are you tired of being harassed at school?" "Sick of being called a homo?" "A farty-pants?" "A butt... face?" "Then call me, Kyle's dad, and I'll help you close the lid on sexual harassment in school!" "After a boy in my class tried to put his tongue in my mouth," "I knew I needed legal help." "Kyle's dad helped me get a $1.6 million settlement and this bright, new, shiny bicycle." "Thank you, Kyle's dad." "Kyle's dad got me $1.4 million and he can do it for you too!" "Just look at all these beautiful girls!" "So call me, Kyle's dad." "Because it's not about money, it's about..." "Wait, what am I saying?" "Call me!" "?" "Kids picking on you?" "Well, don't be sad?" "?" "Just sue their asses?" "with Kyle's dad.?" "All right, what other cuts do we have to make to the school budget?" "Uh, next we have Tom Morris." "He plays Sexual Harassment Panda at the schools." "Oh, right." "We certainly can't afford him anymore." "I warn you, Mr. Evans," "Tom Morris takes his job a little seriously." "Hello, sexual harassment cubs!" "?" "Who lives in the east 'neath a willow tree?" "?" "Sexual harassment panda.?" "Uh, have a seat, Mr. Morris." "Who?" "Uh..." "Sexual Harassment Panda." "Oh, all right." "Mr. Morris, we at the school board have been thinking, and we've decided that perhaps a panda isn't the best way to explain sexual harassment to children." "You see, Mr. Morris, we believe that a panda doesn't really have anything to do with sexual harassment... at all." "I'm afraid we're just going to have to let you go." "I'm a sad panda." "Eric Cartman, it is the judgment of this court that you sexually harassed Pip Phillip at school." "No way!" "I won!" "This is ridiculous!" "You asked Pip to suck your... you-know-what." "You must give Pip half your stuff, and the school must give Pip $1.6 million." "Oh, dear God!" "Wow, I'm good!" "Next!" "This girl touched my thigh." "Half her belongings, school is sued for $2.1 million." "We're ruined!" "Next!" "Uh, Your Honor, this young man commented on the shape of my ass." "Half his stuff." "Two million from the school." "Okay, children, let's all take our seats." "We have a lot to learn today." "Okay... uh, Clyde, can you tell me when Ulysses S. Grant was president?" "Um..." "Don't answer that!" "Uh, Craig, how about you?" "Uh-huh... okay..." "I refuse to answer on the grounds that it may incinerate me." "Incriminate." "Okay, children, I'm having a real problem with you all having lawyers." "It is really disrupting class time." "Uh-huh." "Ri..." "Oh, oh, I see." "Okay." "Right." "Kids, what I meant to say is that I fully condone you all having lawyers and support your legal recourses in every way." "Now, let's get back to Ulysses S. Grant, if that's okay with you." "Let's trade sandwiches." "Hello there, children!" "Hey, Chef." "How's it going?" "Bad." "Well, they're about to get worse." "All I can serve you for lunch is lumpy potatoes." "Lumpy potatoes?" "!" "Oh, no!" "Sorry, children, all my funding's been cut." "Oh, my God!" "You guys have to do something!" "Chef, how can we stop all these sexual assment lawsuits?" "I don't know, children." "Why don't you ask your dad?" "He's a lawyer, ain't he?" "I've tried talking to him, but he doesn't want the lawsuits to stop." "He's making too much money." "Well, somebody else has got to know all about this sexual harassment whosafudge." "Hey, what about that stupid panda?" "Yeah, Sexual Harassment Panda." "He's the one that started all this!" "We have to find him!" "Well, I hope you do." "Otherwise, it's lumpy potatoes from here on out." "No!" "That's 32 more sexual harassment lawsuits in the past 24 hours." "Oh, my God!" "Looks like we'll have to cut all counseling and nutrition programs." "The children have started suing adults." "They could sue us next!" "Holy smokes, you're right!" "Excuse me, we'd like to speak with" "Sexual Harassment Panda, please." "P" " Please don't sue us!" "Huh?" "We'll give you anything you want!" "We want Sexual Harassment Panda." "Oh, no." "Uh... we had to let him go." "What?" "!" "Uh, I mean, he left." "Well, where is he?" "We don't know." "Honestly." "I swear it." "Please let us go." "What the hell is wrong with these people?" "!" "Well, your credentials are very impressive, and you do seem to have a lot of ambition, but I'm afraid there's no room for you at our company at this time." "It's because I'm a panda, isn't it?" "Well, it is because you're a panda." "It's because you're a "sexual harassment panda. "" "I can't help what I am." "Have you ever heard of a retreat called the Island of Misfit Mascots?" "Well, yes... but that place is for loser mascots that make no sense." "Well, yes, they may be just what you're looking for." "I don't have to sit here and listen to this!" "How would you like a big panda punch in your puss?" "As sexual harassment lawsuits increase all over the state, the mother of all trials is set to begin." "The sexual harassment case ofEveryone v. Everyone begins tomorrow." "No matter what the outcome, the public schools are sure to lose at least a whopping $30 million." "Representing the side of everyone, is Gerald Broflofski, the lawyer from South Park who plans to make quite a commission." "Representing the side of everyone else is" "Gerald Broflofski!" "So whatever the outcome, things look very bright for Kyle's dad." "Personally, I think Kyle's dad is just a whore, taking advantage of everyone in town and" "This just in, newscaster Kevin McCarty is being sued by Kyle's dad for slander." "The newscaster has yet to be reached for comment." "Wait..." "SINGER ?" "Some days just seem lonely?" "?" "But still there don't seem to be no end in sight...?" "Another scotch?" "?" "So I'll drive this ol' 18-wheeler down the highway...?" "Hey!" "Panda bear!" "We don't take kindly to your types in here." "Now, calm down, Skeeter." "He ain't hurtin' nobody." "No!" "I wanna know something from Mr. Panda bear here." "If you pandas are from mountainous areas of China and Tibet, how come you eat bamboo, which is prone to grow only in drier, more arid regions?" "Skeeter, I don't want no trouble now." "It's okay;" "I get it." "There's no room in the world for pandas." "Well, you don't have to worry about me." "I'm off to the Island of Misfit Mascots." "Damn it, Skeeter, how come every time a panda bear come in here you gotta go flapping' your jaw!" "Well, what do you think, Kyle?" "Dad, don't you think our last new house was big enough?" "Well, this one is bigger!" "Tomorrow's trial, Everyone v. Everyone is going to make things a lot worse." "We have to stop it." "Kyle, let me explain something to you..." "Oh, God, here we go." "You see, Kyle, we live in a liberal Democratic society, and Democrats make sexual harassment laws." "These laws tell us what we can and can't say in the workplace, and what we can and can't do in the workplace." "Isn't that fascism?" "No, because we don't call it fascism." "Do you understand?" "Do you?" "Just look at how big this house is, Kyle." "Just look at it." "Excuse me." "Yeah, what can I do for you?" "Somebody told us they saw a big panda bear in here." "Big panda bear, big panda bear..." "Hey, eight-year-olds!" "We don't take kindly to your types in here." "Now calm down, Skeeter." "They ain't hurtin' nobody." "No, I wanna know something from" "Mr. "I'm eight years old" here." "How come you "types" are always wearin' them funny padded shirts in the winter?" "Coats?" "Now, Skeeter, I don't want no trouble." "We don't take kindly to your types around here!" "Dude, what the hell is going on?" "Did you guys see a big panda in here or not?" "We don't take kindly to panda bears!" "Well, we don't take kindly to you!" "Well, we don't take kindly to folks that don't take kindly around here." "Kids, there was a panda bear in here." "He said something about the Island of Misfit Mascots." "Where's that?" "If I'm not mistaken, it's over near the Jenkins' place." "Come on, we better hurry!" "Whoa, look at her!" "Hey, beautiful woman!" "We don't take kindly to your types around here." "Now, Skeeter, she ain't hurtin' nobody." "This is case number 47G, Everyone v. Everyone." "Representing the side of everyone is Gerald Broflofski." "Thank you, Your Honor." "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, everyone has committed a crime here, and everyone must pay for that crime." "My client- everyone- has been hurt by this crime and must be compensated." ""Island of Misfit Mascots Commune. "" "This must be the place." "Hello there, boys!" "Whoa!" "Who are you?" "I'm Willy the Don't Stare Directly into the Sun Worm." "Now, you boys know not to stare directly into the sun, right?" "Yes." "That can burn your retinas and make you blind." "Thanks a lot, dude." "Oink, oink." "Be sure you run around with scissors, says Oinky the Run Around with Scissors Pig." "I thought you weren't supposed to run around with scissors." "That's why he's on the Island of Misfit Mascots." "Have you seen any panda bears?" "Hmm." "Hey, kids!" "I'm Jimmy, the Don't Hold on to a Large Magnet while Someone Else Uses a Fan Nearby Falcon." "What?" "Here, watch!" "See?" "!" "Oh, my God!" "They killed Kenny!" "You bastard!" "Hey, there he is!" "?" "Who lives in the east 'neath a willow tree?" "?" "Sexual Harassment Panda.?" "Dude, are we glad to find you!" "You have to come back to South Park, quick!" "Why?" "Because everyone is suing everyone else, and you're pretty much the cause of it all." "Seems all I do now is cause trouble." "Hello, kids!" "I'm Hoppy, the Don't Do Stuff that Might Irritate your Inner Ear Badger." "Well, I'll leave now." "Please, Sexual Harassment Panda, people listen to you." "You have to get them to stop suing each other." "But I'm just a panda." "No, you're not, dude!" "You're a guy in a panda costume!" "Hey, I'm a real worm, pal!" "Okay sorry." "Sorry." "You're a real worm." "That's cool, that's cool." "Okay, you are a panda." "But being Sexual Harassment Panda isn't helping anyone right now." "You used to use your panda powers to teach people about sexual harassment, but now you need to teach a new message, a new message that people will find useful again." "What message?" "That people shouldn't sue each other all the time." "You know, you little cubs might just be right." "Yeah!" "Okay!" "Your Honor, I'd like to make my closing arguments" "Wait!" "Hey, it's Sexual Harassment Panda." "No, he's a whole new panda now, and he's got something to say." "Hello, everyone." "I'm Petey the Don't Sue People Panda." "Don't Sue People Panda?" "!" "Hey, we don't take kindly to folks that don't sue people round here." "Now, Skeeter, he ain't hurtin' nobody." "Listen to me." "When you sue somebody, it hurts everyone." "You sue for money, but where do you think that money comes from?" "From the schools, from taxes, from the state, from you." "There's no such thing as free money." "When you sue somebody, you take money away from parks and schools and charities and put it in your own pockets, and that makes me a sad panda." "I'm a sad panda too." "I'm a really sad panda." "I didn't know we were doing all that damage." "This is all that damn lawyer's fault!" "Yeah, let's sue the lawyer!" "Yeah!" "No!" "Don't you see?" "The panda's right!" "Boy, what a great message he has." "When you sue people, you just end up causing a lot of problems for society." "Oh, I've really learned something today." "All I could see was the millions of dollars coming to me, and I didn't care about where the money came from." "Well, I'm no longer doing sexual harassment lawsuits in schools." "They're too vague and too easily corruptible." "Thank you, Sexual Harassment Panda." "Don't Sue People Panda." "Yeah, well, whatever." "So let's not sue anyone again." "Okay!" "Come on, guys!" "Let's go get some ice cream!" "Pandas love ice cream." "Well, seeing as we have no lawyers," "I'm throwing the case out." "Case dismissed." "Hey!" "We don't take kindly to cases being dismissed around here." "Goddamn it, Skeeter, shut the hell up." "Hello, cubs." "I'm Don't Sue People Panda with an important message for you." "Lawsuits damage our society." "I know it's tempting to make money, but just remember, that money has to come from somewhere." "And usually it ends up hurting a lot of innocent people." "So, until next time, don't let frivolous sexual harassment lawsuits ruin our schools." "Good-bye now."