"Michael, we've been around this roundabout four times now" "Why do you have to be so critical?" "Why don't you encourage him?" "I am encouraging him to get off this roundabout" "What's he doing, building up speed for a moon shot?" "Nobody's giving way" "That's five times" "Easy, dear Just slow down, indicate, someone will let you in" "(LOUD HONKING)" "Now speed up and cut across them" "Oh, six" "(HORN HONKING)" " What do I do now?" " Give him the finger!" "Don't you dare Keep your hands at ten to two" "You're going to get us killed" "I'm not the one driving us around in circles and that was seven, by the way" "It's okay, Michael Just don't panic" "Stay calm, relax, check your mirror and watch out for that car!" "(TYRES SCREECHING)" "Sorry, sorry, sorry I thought it was coming through" "Eight!" "He doesn't need the pressure of you counting Slow down a little" "Speed up a little" "Don't listen to him, Michael He's going to get us killed" "It's better than dying of old age on this roundabout" "Ignore him, Michael Unlike your father, I have never had an accident" "Actually, they weren't accidents I meant to hit those cars" "Yes, well thank you for teaching our son road rage" "You mess with a bull, you get the horns" "Oh, my God, Michael You've done it I'm so proud" "Now we can teach you how to do a three-point turn" "(APPLYING HAND BRAKE)" "No, thanks I'll take my chances on foot" "He gets that angry streak from you, you know" "I hope you're hungry" "I'm making my peanut butter tuna chow mein" "Oh!" "Mum, you know, I thought we all agreed that you would only make that speciality for special occasions" "It is a special occasion" "Michael's passing his driving test We're gonna celebrate when he gets home" "And are we gonna celebrate" "Would you watch this for me?" "I need to pack for the weekend" "Oh, yes I forgot you were going away" "Darling, how am I going to cope without you?" "Oh, you'll be fine I won't take the remote control" "Okay" "Dad, I'm surprised you're acting so cool" "Mum going away with another man for the weekend?" "Ah, it's only one of her art-buying trips with her anorak geezer client" "No" "(WHISTLING)" "Your mother and I have a relationship based on honesty and trust, Janey" "Give and take That's what it's all about" "Keep the change, Mr Chan Thank you" "Honesty and trust, Janey Give and take" "(JANEY GRUNTS)" " Stiff neck, Janey?" " Oh, yeah, It's killing me" "You know, I am skilled in the fine art of massage I could help" "Back home on the farm, I used to give the pigs massages to put them at ease" "Right before the spike was driven into their head" "Have you ever massaged anything on two legs?" "Oh, sure" "Chickens mostly" "Although I did do a duck with a nasty hamstring problem once" "Two sessions, he was as good as new" "Michael?" "Michael, what's wrong?" "Ben, come quickly Something's happened to Michael" "What?" "What's going on?" "What?" "Michael, are you all right?" "Are you hurt?" "What happened?" "Say something" "I failed my driving test" "Oh, my Is that all?" "I thought you'd smashed up my car, the insurance rates were gonna double" "The important thing is you're safe" "Michael, Michael, it's just a driving test" "You can take it again It'll be okay" "I'm a failure" "First time I've ever failed at anything Don't know how to react" "Janey, tell Michael how to react" "What?" "Don't ask me I passed my driving test the first time" "Oh, my God!" "I've never seen Michael so down I'm really worried about him" " So what do you want me to do about it?" " Worry with me" "Yeah" "He's got his university interview tomorrow Will you drive him?" "What?" "What's wrong with the train?" "He needs the support of his father right now" "Yes, yes, you're right" "Okay, I'll pay for the train" "What kind of a father are you?" "The kind that encourages self-reliance" "A little father-son time will do you some good" "I can't believe I'm saying this, but he needs you to be there for him" "Oh, Michael doesn't need me" " How do you know?" " Because he told me so" "To my face" "Several times" "And besides, he's leaving for university" "What's the point in bonding with him now?" "I know he can seem self-sufficient and can be a little aloof, but inside he's just a scared little boy, crying out for his father" ""Help me, Papa Help me"" "(CHUCKLES)" "All right, I'll drive him Okay, happy?" "(CHILDISH VOICE) Thank you, Papa" "He's never called me Papa" "I'll call you Papa" "In the mood for a little bonding, Papa?" "No, sorry, that voice has really killed it for me, Susan, sorry" "Hey, Mikey" "Mikey, Mikey, Mikey" "You know, Mikey, I often find myself in here late at night, nursing a scotch, wondering, "How did I get here?"" "Most nights" "Just can't sleep, that's all" "Maybe I'm no good at sleeping, either" "Yeah, well, I guess what I'm trying to say, Michael, is that this is my place to sulk" "So maybe you could do yours in the living room?" "Mikey, you know, the driving test is no big deal" "You don't get it, this is massive" "No, look, because you fail at something, doesn't mean you're a failure" " That's exactly what it means" " Yeah, fine" "Okay, right If you wanna be literal about it, yes, you are a failure" "Fine But you know, all I'm saying is you got to lighten up a bit" "You don't understand what it's like because you're used to failure" "The good news is the more you do it, the less it hurts" "There he is, our little genius" "Ready to take life by the scruff of the neck" "His whole future ahead of him" "Mum, I know what you're trying to do" "Michael, motivation is a two-way street" "If you're not going to join in, let's just forget about it, okay?" "Don't listen to him, Michael You're going to sail through it" "That's what you said before my driving test" " Right Bye-bye" " Bye" "Have fun on your exciting art-buying trip" " Hello, I've come to pick up Susan" " Susan, your driver's here" "Come on, Mikey, let's go" "Hello, James Ben, this is James Garrett, my client" "Pleasure to meet you I'm a great fan of your wife" "Oh, James Won't be a minute I just have to find my keys" " Let's go, Dad" " Not yet, Mikey" " We don't wanna be late" " I said not" "Susan, could I just have a word?" "(MUMBLING) That's James Garrett" "Sorry?" " It's James Garrett" " Yes" "Here's an idea" "Look, you drive Michael to the interview and I'll take James to look at art" "Are you jealous?" "No What, of him?" "Of course not" " It's just a business trip" " Yeah, I know I know that, yeah Okay" "Well, you two have fun, eh?" " Bye, darling" " Bye, dear" "(SUSAN CHUCKLES)" "Hi, Mikey" "Mikey, Mikey" "Pretty good bonding trip so far, eh?" "Just me and you" "The lads" " Wanna turn on the radio?" " Yeah" "(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)" "(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)" "Janey, you still seem to be in considerable pain" "What exactly happened?" "I was at the gym, on the treadmill" "Exercising without proper supervision is a minefield" "Actually, some fit bloke went past and I just jerked my head too quickly" "That used to happen to the pigs when the butcher drove past" "(GROANS)" "God, this is getting worse Look, do you think you can sort it out for me?" "Janey, God gifted me with healing hands" " I'm not getting naked" " Fine, but neither will I" "Take a deep breath" "(BREATHING DEEPLY)" "I'm not some farm animal, so just be care" "Oh, God!" "(BREATHES DEEPLY)" "Oh, yes" "Just relax Don't even think about the spike" " What?" " Oh, I'm sorry Habit" "I mean, I failed once What's there to stop me from failing again?" "I mean, look at Nick and Janey" "(BEN CHUCKLES)" "Let's face it, they say the apple doesn't fall far from the tree" "Yes!" "The tree is me, right?" "What do you know about this James Garrett?" "He's rich" "Really?" "Look at him, squandering it all on art" "Actually, he gives to a lot of charities" " I bet that's not his real hair" " Think it is" "Why don't you just marry him, Michael?" "Someone sounds a little jealous" "Jealous!" "I'm not jealous" "I'm just" "I think we could do with a little confidence-builder" "Dad, we are not playing another game of I Spy" "Nope Better idea" "I'm not so sure this is a good idea" "It's what going to college is all about" "Besides, it's only a pint, come on Come on, it'll take the edge off" "(BREATHES DEEPLY)" "Ah, yes, you're witnessing a right of passage today, sir" "The first pint I've ever bought my son" "Still five pound thirty" "I know, yes My God, it's cheaper down south" "Yeah, but you don't get my smiling demeanour" " It's good" " Yeah" "You know, Michael, I remember the first pint my dad ever bought me" "Celebrating Armistice Day?" "(CHUCKLING) You are so funny" "Ow!" "Don't you think we should keep our eyes on Lot 79?" "Yes, I thought the same thing" "I hope you brought your cheque book" "Hello, we've made reservations" " Mr and Mrs" " No, no We're not married" "I'm Mrs Harper and this is my friend, Mr James Garrett" "All right" "I mean I am married, happily Not to him, someone else" "This is professional He's a client" "We're not lovers We're here on business" "Yes, here it is I have a room under the name Harper" "And nothing for Garrett" "No, that's impossible My assistant made the reservations weeks ago" "We need two rooms" "Because we're just friends Well, colleagues, really" "Of course" "Well, surely you must have another room" "No, I'm afraid we're fully booked It's the art fair Everywhere is" "I'm so sorry My assistant is normally so efficient" "The room does have twin beds You could always share" "Oh, my God We can't do that We're not married Well, I am" "Yes, you mentioned that" "Well, we could drive back tonight It'll be a long journey, but" "Oh, no This is ridiculous" "Of course we can share We're colleagues It's twin beds" " I suppose we could" " I think you should" "Oh, shut up" "Would you please take Mrs Harper and her friend to 103?" " We are just friends" " I'm sure you are" "No, but you said "friends", like in "friend"" "Oh, I'm sorry" "Would you please take Mrs Harper and her friend to 103?" "Perhaps you should just call us business associates" "Very well, then Mrs Harper and her business associate to Room 103" " Look, you" " Susan" " Affair?" " Prostitute" "Janey, I know you've been in a bit of pain lately, so I made you a cup of tea to help" "Oh, thanks, Abi But I'm no longer in" "Sorry, I guess I spaced out" "It's like there's a warm summer breeze blowing through my mind" "Oh, yeah I know that feeling" "I'm just so relaxed" "Must be the tea I'm glad I could help" " I haven't had any tea yet" " I know Powerful stuff" "No Listen, Alfie gave me the most incredible massage" "Do you mind if I have the tea?" "I'm too relaxed to mind anything Abi, listen, keep this quiet" "But during the massage, something happened" " He worked out your kinks" " Something deep" " He undid a knot in your back" " Deeper" "Oh!" "What was he massaging?" "Just my shoulders" "Alfie!" "Alfie, Abi's shoulder is sore Could you massage it?" " No problem" " No, really, Alfie, my shoulder's not sore, it's" "Oh, God!" "(SIGHING)" "Driving examiner?" "He was more like the Emperor of Driving who could decide my fate with a thumbs up or a thumbs down" "So I hit a few kerbs I didn't kill anybody" "Whoa, whoa, whoa Easy, tiger, I think you should slow down" "(SCOFFING) Next thing you'll be telling me I've had too many" "Yes, I would, except you haven't even finished one" "You think you've got troubles?" "See Colin over there?" "Wife's just left him for a rich bloke" "Pillock" "Oh, not you, Colin The guy who's having sex with your wife" "Come on, Susan, pick up" "Right, your mother's not even answering" "I'm sure she's fine She's just with some handsome millionaire" "Okay Let's get you to your interview Come on" " But I want one more" " No" " For my confidence" " I think you're confident enough" " Hey, I'm not drunk" " Sure, sure, sure, sure" " I love you, Dad" " Yeah, I love you, too, come on" " Stay strong, Colin" " Yep, stay strong" "Susan, you were stunning" "I can't believe the deal you got me on this" "I know, and a snip at 7,000" "(KNOCKING)" "Sir?" " Extra towels" " Thank you, yes" "If you want, I can push the beds together, sir" "No, no We're not married Well, I'm married, but not to him" "Maybe you should just go" "Oh, damn My phone's dead and I left my charger at home" "I have to check in with Ben later" " Shall I reserve for dinner?" " Oh, why not?" "Hello I'd like a table for two, please" "James Garrett and Susan Harper in 103, but we're just friends" "Susan, I'm not gonna leave a message because I've left five messages already, which you haven't returned, so obviously it's pointless me leaving another one, but if you get this, call me" "Well, how did you get on?" " I think I made quite an impression" " Good boy" " I threw up on him" " Great, good" "As I was apologising, I threw up on him again" "Oh, Mikey, Mikey, Mikey, the secret of highly successful people is persistence" "Now get back in there and explain the situation" " It's locked" " Well, at least we tried" "Hello, Janey" "(MOANING)" "Is the lovely Abi available?" "ABl:" "Yes, yes!" "Is that Abi?" "ABl:" "Yes!" " What's going on in there?" " Yeah, Roger, it isn't like it sounds" "It's so much better" "She's still not answering" " Have you tried the hotel?" " I can't remember the name of it" " Mum told you where she'd be staying" " Yes, I know, at least ten times, but I can't be expected to remember every detail your mother mentions" "Wasn't it the same place you took her on your anniversary?" "Oh, yeah" "Didn't you say they did your room up with champagne and rose petals?" "Yeah" "(STAMMERING) The" "You said they overcharged you for something" "The Montgomery" "Well, that was a lovely meal, thank you" "My pleasure And the company was delightful" "Absolutely exquisite Quite breathtaking" "Well, here we are" "Yes, here we are" "Right, I suppose we'd better sort out the sleeping arrangements, so we can go to bed" " So which bed would you prefer?" " Oh, you pick" " No, you pick" " No, no, you" " No, you" " All right" "BOTH:" "I'll have this one" " Actually, I think I prefer that one" " Okay" "Look, Susan, if you feel uneasy about this, perhaps we could pull the bed a bit further apart" "Good idea" "Well, that's better" "If you'll excuse me" "Susan Harper's room, please" "You all right, Mikey?" "Looking a little green round the gills" "I'll be fine Going to take it easy" "(PHONE RINGING)" "Hello?" "Hello?" "Sorry, Michael" "(CAR REVVING)" "Dad, no" "(TYRES SQUEALING)" "(MICHAEL VOMITING)" "Lean well out, Michael Keep it off the paintwork" "What's going on here?" "You've got to try this" "I'm simply oscillating Abi's clavicle" "If anybody's gonna oscillate Abi's clavicle, it's going to be me" "(ABI GRUNTS)" "Okay, whatever you like" "(CRACKING KNUCKLES)" "Oh, yeah That's really good stuff" "Mmm" "I've already told you I need Susan Harper's room number" "Yes, and I've already told you I can't give out that information" "But I I'm her husband" "Okay, fine I've got ID Here, look" "Here you go Ben Harper There" "Yes, well Harper is a fairly common name" "If you like, I could ring her room for you" "I've already done that and some bloke answered" "Ah I'm saying nothing, sir" "How would you like some free dental work?" " Are you threatening me?" " No, I'm a dentist" "Fine Fine, fine, fine" "Okay Here's five quid, okay?" " Are you trying to bribe me?" " No Just giving you five pounds" "Oh, all right Thank you" " Well?" " Well, what?" " Give me the number" " I've told you I can't do that" " I just gave you five quid" " You just said it wasn't a bribe" "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave" "You and what army?" "Oh, this one Okay" "Come on, Mikey Come on, let's go" " But I'm getting my confidence back" " Let's go" "Cool" "If you're looking for Abi, she's asleep" " Oh?" " Mmm" "They always go to sleep afterwards" "Sometimes it would just be nice to stay up and talk" "Actually, it's you I've come to see, Alfred" "I need to know your secret" " What secret?" " Look, you" "I've never heard noises like that coming from Abi" "You must have done something" "You seem really stressed about this Roger" "(SIGHS)" "I've got a lot on my plate" "I mean, there's the wedding And the wedding night" "The thing is Alfred, I'm still a" "(GROANING)" "Oh, God!" "Oh, God" "Oh, God" "(WHISPERING) Come on Yeah, brilliant Yeah Mikey Mikey?" "(GROANING)" "No!" "No!" "Mikey!" "Mikey!" "Listen, Susan, you really shouldn't feel uncomfortable" "You've absolutely nothing to worry about" " Apart from my snoring" " Can't be worse than Ben's" "I find ear plugs help I shove them up his nose" "Nevertheless, you two seem to have a really solid relationship" "I tell you, when I was married, if my wife was alone in a hotel room with another man, I'd have found it very difficult to trust her" "Mind you, she was cheating on me So you know what I mean" "I suppose I'm lucky Ben's not the jealous type" "We have a mutual trust" "(INAUDIBLE)" "Oh, no" " What?" " My lens has slipped" "Let me see if I can find it" "Thanks I'd just better take them out" "I'll get dressed for bed" "(SHOUTING) Michael" "(CRASHING)" "I think it's a good idea if we never let Alfred touch either of us again" " Just one more massage!" " I'm not a machine!" "Maybe just one more and then we'll stop" "(SCREAMS)" "So he thought it would be a good idea to take me to get drunk" "Oh, yeah And then I threw up on the guy" "Cool" " Susan!" " Ben!" " Susan?" " What the hell's going on?" "I'll tell you what's going on, rich boy, you just bought yourself an arse-kicking" "Ben, no" " There's been a huge misunderstanding" " Ben, you're making a fool of yourself" "How do you wrestle a man in silk?" "Get down where I can get hold of you" " Ben, I said leave the man alone" " Susan get out of the way" "Oh, for God's sake" "You really were keen to get up here, sir, weren't you?" "What?" "Let go of my wife" " I thought you were with him" " He's just my client" "Yes, I'm afraid this is not that kind of hotel" "Escort that woman from the premises, please" "Listen, you silky worm" " Get your hands off me" " Get off her I'll save you, Susan" "(SUSAN GROANS)" "Ah!" "You got me skin" " Ben, let him go" " I just need to remove your pyjamas" "I can't get" "And these are my parents That's my mum on the floor" "Hi Nice to meet you" " And that's my dad in the headlock" " Hello" "Cool" "What are you doing naked in a bed" " with a man in silk pyjamas, Susan?" " You said you weren't jealous!" "Well, I hope you two are proud of yourselves" "BOTH:" "Sorry" "I've never been so embarrassed in my life" "BOTH:" "Sorry" "So throwing up over your professor doesn't count?" "As it happens, if you weren't so busy fighting," "I could have told you I had a phone call from the admissions tutor" "Oh?" "Apparently, he always hated that professor" "He's offered me another interview next Saturday" "Do you want us to come with you?" "Uhno" " This is all your fault, you know" " What do you mean my fault?" "What am I supposed to think?" "You were in a hotel room with another man" " It's nice to see you jealous" " Jealous, don't be ridiculous" "(CHUCKLES)" "What's he got that I haven't?" "Twelve million quid?" "I tell you what he hasn't got, though" "Hmm?" "Me" "Twelve million quid"