"Hold on a second." " Hey, there." " Hey." "I feel like you're not hearing me, 'cause if you were," "I wouldn't be repeating myself, that's why." "No, because I told..." "look, I told you three times, okay?" "Look..." "We'll get going in two." "No, the Nagasaki merger has to happen at 15.6." "That's black and white." "There's no doubt about that, okay?" "And then you blend the assets as I pointed out in the prospectus, okay?" "Trust me, we'll come out of this smelling like a rose." "You don't trust me?" "What am I, a fool?" "You..." "No, you're not gonna look like an idiot." "If anyone looks like an idiot, it's me." "Slap me." "I've been naughty." "Wow, all right." "Now tell me I'm not gonna get any dessert." "You're not getting any dessert." "What?" "Oh!" "And you're banned from TV and Internet for a week!" "Yeah." "Ah, yeah." "Tell me I can't watch Game of Thrones." " What?" " Just tell me!" "You're banned from watching Game of Thrones, you little shit!" "Ah!" "All right, good, good, good, good, good." "Yeah, tell me, uh..." "run down the whole lineup of HBO Sunday night shows." "You're banned from watching Girls." " No!" " And Veep!" " Ah!" " No more Bored to Death!" "Oh!" "They canceled Bored to Death." "Oh, um..." "no more Boardwalk Empire." "Bullshit!" "Ahh!" "Ride that shit." "Ride that shit." "Ride that shit like Evel Knievel." "Ride it." "Oh, God." "Hey, Victoria." "It's Sunday night." "You want to watch some HBO?" "Would you pay me more?" "I wasn't planning on it." "No." "Hey." "I know, man." "Look, I'm just running a little behind." "I'll be there soon." "I was just saying how Corinne is a big movie fan." "Yeah, I make it a point to see all the Oscar-nominated movies every year." "Well, that's... that's great." "Do you have any, uh, any favorites or..." "Let's see, um, well, I'm gonna have to break it down genre by genre." "Family, uh, Up is a really good family film." " So good." " Beautiful movie." "I cried." " Oh, my God." " Oh, my God." "I cried." "Within, like, the first minute." " You both cried." " Did you?" "If I had to pick my favorite action, it'd be Saving Private Ryan." " Classic." " It's so visceral." "A lot of guys like action films, but I do too." "Mitch, you love Saving Private Ryan." " He does?" " Yeah." "Wow, a lot of things in common." "Yeah, I think we've watched it together, maybe." "I just think it's really disappointing how in so many movies they use sex in such a gratuitous fashion." "It's really, really tasteless." "You know, I couldn't agree more." "And the film industry thinks we want to see tits in every other scene to be satisfied." "It's ridiculous." "Am I right?" "Thank you." "Okay, well, that's one point we don't agree on." " Love your..." " Just the one." "Well, yeah." "You know, I'm gonna run to the bathroom." "I'm gonna..." "I'll be right back." "How are you doing tonight?" "Good, good, thank you." "Yourself?" " Oh, I'm doing great." " What the fuck, man?" "Excuse me." "You're looking at Corinne like she's some kind of leper." "I'm not looking to get set up, okay?" "You insisted." "It's the only reason I'm here." "Yeah, you're in the goddamn bathroom." "Hey, hey, hey, what's wrong with the bathroom?" "He didn't mean anything by it." "I'm sorry, he was just..." "You got to get your shit together, man." "You can't keep living like this." "How's he living?" "Yeah, how am I living?" " You've got real issues." " Like what?" "Like having to get up in the middle of dinner and come in here and rub one out." "I knew that." "Yup, that's what I thought." "JP, I'm trying here, man." "I just..." "I don't want to be here." "You're on the app again, aren't you?" "What app?" "You know what the fuck app I'm talking about, the sex app." " Sir, sir, please keep..." " God damn it!" "You are so fucking intrusive for a bathroom attendant." "I just..." "is there a sex app?" "Well, I mean, yeah, it just kind of connects you with other people looking to get it in, in your vicinity." "Heard about this, heard... yeah, my cousin told me about this." " Oh, man, I got to get on that." " What the fuck?" " You'd clean up." "You should." " Think so?" "In fact, I actually just made a connection, so I'm gonna go." " There we go." " No, no, no, no, no." "Do not bail out on me." "You cannot do this to me." "Look, it's..." "tell her I'm not feeling well." "If you want to go with IBS, I'm fine with that, all right?" " Mitch, Mitch, Mitch, Mitch." " I'm sorry, man." "Shit, w-which app is it?" "Is it this one?" "Which..." " What was the name of the app?" " I don't know, man." "Could you give me one of those little..." " I think this is probably it." " Are those eye drops or mints?" "Oh, these are mints and eye drops." "I have both, man." " Whatever you need, please." " Just give me one of each." "This is sort of a weird thing to say." "Okay." "But I feel like I can imagine what our baby would look like." "Oh, wow." "That's amazing." " They would be really cute." " Really good-looking." " Yeah." " And smart." "Where's Mitch?" "Um, are you familiar with IBS?" "Sure, you can buy me a drink." "Good to know." "Is that how you treat a lady who shows interest?" "You asked for a free drink." "You didn't show interest." "Were you expecting a blow job right out of the gate?" "Offering something would indicate more interest than asking for something, so..." "You don't want to get to know each other first?" "Before I buy you a drink or before the blow job?" "Fine, I'll start." "My name is Victoria, and I moved here two years ago after I graduated from Stanford." "I'm currently reading a book on Gandhi." "I continue to sleep on my stomach, no matter how many times my chiropractor tells me not to." "You shouldn't do that." "And I call bullshit on anyone suddenly becoming allergic to gluten in the last five years." "Liars." "You must be MsJuicy34." "What?" "From the, uh, sex app, Climax." "So you're not here to have sex with me?" "Uh, I don't know what you're talking about, but, um..." "it's 1,000 for the hour, 3,000 for the night." "You're a hooker." "I didn't peg you." "I'm an escort." "Yeah, you escort men's penises inside you for money." "Fuck you." "Look, you're barking up the wrong tree, all right?" "I couldn't afford you anyway." "Well, then maybe dress in your tax bracket and don't come to swanky hotels." "For your information, this is all HM, and I'm here to meet a girl." "Yeah, from a sex app, pervert." "Pervert?" "You're the hooker." "Escort." "Is your name even Victoria?" "What do you think?" "For what it's worth, everything else I told you was true." "Yeah, even the Stanford thing?" "Everything." "All right." "How are you?" "Fine." "I need the obituary for Dr. Filler and Elaine Ackerton." "Yeah, got that right here." "Um, Filler, Ackerton." "There you go." "I can always count on you, Mitch." "And hey, can you stop by my office in about ten?" "I want to run something by you." "Yeah, sure." "Is it about getting new computers?" "Because I think that would really... boost morale." "There is no easy way to say this, but you know how you're currently an employee of the company?" "Mm-hmm." "Yeah, yeah, I do." "You're not going to be when you leave this office." "Um, but you just said everything was all right." "Interesting." "No." "I just needed you to come to my office, and I didn't want you to think I was firing you." "But I'm the best journalist you have on the team." "You even said to me last week," ""Mitch, you're the best journalist we have on the team,"" "so I'm just a little confused as to..." "If it makes you feel any better, this decision had nothing to do with merit." "Uh, then... then... then what?" "If I let Patty go, here comes the ageism lawsuit." "If I fire Darnell..." "Well, you can connect the dots." "And I was very clear about not fucking the interns." "You know, that guy is a slimy fucking bastard." "He's lucky I don't rip his head off." "Told him not to act like a big swinging dick with you around, or you'd shove it right back up his ass." "Yeah, right." "Hey, Don, you've met my cousin Mitch, right?" " The sex addict dude?" " Yup." "Just taking a little survey." " Well, have fun with that." " Thanks, bud." "I'll talk to you soon." "That how you like being known?" "The only reason that's my rep is 'cause you tell people that." "How do you think small talk works?" "When there's an awkward silence, what else do you expect me to say?" "Like, anything else." "Seriously, anything else." "You know, I used to think any guy would be a sex addict if he could, and now that I know one, it's... it's real, and it is scary." "Look, are we getting lunch or what?" "I'm just saying, Mitch, you're 27 years old." "You're unemployed, no money, no girlfriend." "You don't talk to anyone anymore." "I'm talking to you right now, aren't I?" "There are 20 billion people in the world." "I don't think that's true." "Mitch, I'm your only friend." "Do you know how much pressure that puts me under?" "Look, man, I don't get on your ass for going to all those dubstep concerts you're way too old for." "I'm right in the middle of the demographic!" "Okay, what you did to me and Allie the other night really made us look bad, and the Mitch I used to know would never have bailed like that." "Clearly, you've got something going on." "If you're not working right now, maybe it's time to get some help." " Are you hungry?" " Yeah, that's why I'm here." " You said, "Let's get lunch."" " Why do you keep putting?" "Because you kept putting on your tie." "I'm sure I don't have to tell you how tough it is in the newspaper business right now." "Our only hope is if something should happen to the Internet, something like, say, a solar flare event that knocks out all the electricity, then we'd be in business." "We can only hope." "So is there, like, a job opening?" "Nothing." "Our numbers are tight as is." "Unless you could work for free," "I don't really see how we would make it work." "You won't work for free, will you?" "No." "Um, this is Mission Magazine." "We don't cover obituaries and local interest." "Right, well, sure, I covered obituaries, but I also wrote features for other sections as well." "They're... they're on there." ""Finding the right gastroenterologist for you"?" "Believe it or not, a reader wrote in actually saying how that article saved her life, so, I mean," "I kind of feel good about that one." "You know what, thank you for coming in, but I just don't think I see anything here that indicates your sensibilities would resonate with our readers." "But thanks." "Well, thanks." "Thanks for your time." "You know what?" "Just give me a shot." "I'll write something on spec, something your audience would actually read." "What do you have to lose?" "I have an open position, but I've got two writers writing something for it, so I can throw you into the mix, but you are going to need to write something that I can actually print." "I can't publish "What Using the Semicolon Says about You."" "Yeah, no... no more semicolons." "We're gonna... we're gonna write something interesting here." "Uh, should I leave this here?" "No, I think I've seen enough." "Why you make me track you down like a criminal?" "Junior, hey, you know," "I was just about to stop by your apartment." "You stop nowhere." "Rent is due by the end of this week, and you still haven't paid me in full for last month." "And I was just about to..." "Look, I'm not gonna play this game with you no more, cabrón." "You pay the rent by Friday, or I'll evict you, and I'll take whatever stuff you have in there that looks... nice to me." "That's expensive stuff." "If you can afford milk of coconuts like some prince, you can afford to pay the rent." "Should I assume I'm not gonna see that back, or..." "It's yours, yup." "Hey, man, do you happen to know a regular here by the name of Victoria?" "She comes around a lot." "You a cop?" "Do I look like a cop?" "'Cause if you're a cop, you got to tell me." "I mean, I don't..." "I don't think that's true, but, no, I'm not a cop." "Prove it." "I mean, I just said I'm not a cop." "I don't know what more I can do." "You know, certain women, they have their clients take out their junk just to prove that they're not a cop." "So why don't you show me a ball?" "That should do it." "I'm not gonna take my balls out in the middle of the bar, man." "I said one ball." "Look, this is getting weird." "I just... can you just tell me if Victoria..." " Forget it, pig." " Yeah, fuck this." "You're not gonna pay for this?" "Victoria?" "Or whatever your real name is." "Oh, God, are you, like, one of those guys that's seen Pretty Woman too many times?" "I've never seen Pretty Woman." "I don't believe you." "Of course I've seen Pretty Woman." "Who hasn't seen Pretty Woman?" "It's Gere and Roberts at their finest." "It's a great movie." "Wait, I just have to ask you something." "Look, I'm not trying to save you or sleep with you, for that matter." "Oh." "All I want to do is write a story, an interesting one, and I think you have that." "Well, that's great, so my family can find out I'm an escort on some idiot's Tumblr." "No, no, no, look, it's not for a blog." "It's for, like, a legit magazine." "Well, let me see a card." "Well, I don't technically work for them yet." " This is my application piece." " You're full of shit." "Usual... vodka, rocks, two limes." "You know this guy's a cop?" " Oh, my God." " You're a cop?" " I'm not a cop." " Yeah, he was in here earlier." "He wouldn't show his nuts." " That's a tell." " What?" "How is that a tell?" " 'Cause you didn't do it." " You know..." "Just... just get the lady her drink, please." "Look, I know you have to have your guard up doing what you do, but I'm a decent guy, I swear." "I just lost my job working at this newspaper, and I'm trying to land this gig at this magazine." "All I want to do is tell an interesting story, and I think you have one." "Yeah?" "What story would that be?" "You know, you're a Stanford-educated, uh..." " Escort." "Yeah." " Sure." "We... we can take that angle if you want." "All right, buddy, look." "I'm not interested in being your hooker with a heart of gold or being some pity piece about how the system failed me or whatever bullshit angle you're taking." "Look, I'm not out to make you look bad." "Just let me follow you around for, like, a week or two." "You won't even notice I'm there." "No." "Final answer, sorry." "Wait, just... here, just..." "You asked for a card the other day." "Take that in case you change your mind." "Think about it." "You fucked that one up, huh?" "I'm so into you, baby." "I'm getting wet just thinking about what you're gonna do." "Fuck, come here." "Ah." "Oh, jeez." "Hey, hey, I said no kissing." " I'm not gonna say it again." " Come on, baby." "I can be your boyfriend." "Oh, come on." "Stop it." "It's over, asshole." "Don't be such a goddamn bitch." "No, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop." "I'm getting what I paid for." "Shh, shh, shh." "I'll kill you, you fucking whore!" "Dad." "Hey." "Um, I need a bit of a favor." "Babe, I swear to God, I can't fucking do this anymore." "Why, what happened?" "Oh, I'm fine, I'm just, like, a little bit rattled." "Fucking scumbag." "What, he try to stick it in that beautiful ass again?" "No, he's just a... just drunk, coked-out bullshit." "Still think my ass is beautiful?" "It's a dangerous world out there." "You ever think about getting back with Sebastian?" "Hell, no." "I..." "I don't want a pimp." "It makes it feel way too real." "Plus, that fucker took half my money, and I did all the work." "Well, what happened tonight would not happen if you had someone there with you." "That's all I'm saying." "Yeah." "Maybe." "Hey, you find a parking spot okay?" "I actually walked here." "I don't have a car." "You don't have a car in LA?" "Yeah, or any other city." "I don't have a car." "Speaking of, nice one." " I like it." " Thanks." "Is that, like, an environmental issue or..." "No, my life's just pretty contained to this area, so I don't need a car." " So what made you come around?" " Does it matter?" "You seemed really desperate and pathetic." "Just be glad I'm letting you do this." "Oh." "A charity case." "I'll take it." "So are you from around here or..." "Shouldn't you have something to write this down with?" "No, I just prefer to listen." "Oh, God, are you, like, one of those waiters who doesn't write anything down and then fucks the order all up?" "Uh, no, I'm like one of those waiters who doesn't write anything down and gets it all right." "By the way, no names, places, pictures, nothing that can tie me to this article, or I will rip your balls off." "I don't even know your real name." " Where are we going, anyway?" " I have an 11:00." "In the morning?" "Hey, Ruth, I'm so sorry I'm late." "Oh, no problem, Natalie." "Jared's waiting in the kitchen." " Okay." " Did you hear that, Natalie?" "Jared's waiting in the kitchen, Natalie." " And who's this?" " Oh, hi, I'm Mitch." "A friend from out of town." "He has nothing to do today because he has no friends." "Also, he's a little slow." "Do you mind if he hangs out here for the hour?" "Oh, bless his heart." "Of course, come in." "Thanks." "Hey, this is weird." " Who's Jared?" " Her ten-year-old son." "She's paying you to have sex with her ten-year-old son?" "This is... you know what?" "I can't do this." "Shut up." "Pretend you don't exist." "I thought I could do it." "I can't." "And shut the door." "For the record, I'm not comfortable with this." "Great, so what do all these equations have in common?" "So why do you tutor when you're pulling in over 1,000 bucks a night?" "Escorts have family members that ask questions too." "Believe it or not, I actually enjoy teaching." "You know, my tutor was a 300-pound guy whose breath smelled like salami." "Lovely." "How'd you get into this in the first place?" " Don't do that." " Do what?" "Don't ask questions." "I... how am I supposed to do my job then?" "Just don't make it feel like an interview, you know?" "Let's just be friends." "You do have friends, right?" "Yeah, and I ask them questions when I want to know things." "God, I can already tell you're gonna be so fucking annoying." "That was cute, babe." "Well, there's more where that came from." " Oh, yeah?" " Yeah." " That was for you." " Oh, yeah?" "Hey, guys, please stop having sex." "We have company." " Hi, babe." " Hey, babe." "Mmm, hey!" "Dominick, Dana, this is Mitch." " Mitch, my friends." " Hey." "Hey, how you guys doing?" " Good." " Hey, man." "What'd you think of my song?" "Oh, it was, uh... inspiring." "Rock on." "Dominick's gonna be the next Bob Dylan or John Mayer." " Bruno Mars or something." " Certainly a wide range." "Mm-hmm." "Hey, thanks, man." "Appreciate that." "Means a lot." "You guys should totally stay for lunch." "Yeah." " Shit, we just ate." " Yeah, really full." "Which is unfortunate, 'cause this all looks delicious, but..." "So the nice car, the downtown loft." "Is this all you, or did your parents have money when you were growing up?" "They help you out?" "What's... what's going on here?" "Single mom, high school teacher." " What about your dad?" " Never met him." "I'm still having trouble kind of wrapping my head around you." "I mean, you went to a great school and got a great education." "You're not awful-looking." "I just don't understand." "Look, come on, you gotta give me something." "After graduation, I had to get a job that paid enough to put a dent in my student loans." "This checked off all the boxes." "Okay, well, there are plenty of normal jobs that pay well, right?" "Yeah, not like this." "Once I hit a certain number, I'll call it quits." "I've got some ideas of what I want to do, but for now, this is it." "Number... what kind of number are we talking about?" "Last year, I made 213,000 tax-free." "I figure at that rate, another 21/2 years and I'll have the flexibility to do what I want." "Holy shit." "Got to get ready." "Don't be so shocked." "So tell me about yourself." "Who is Mitchell Cooper?" "Can't we just be, like, friends and, like, hang out and chill and not ask questions?" "Hey, asshole." "I don't sound like that." "What do you want to know?" "I don't know, anything, whatever." "Just people with normal lives fascinate me." "Normal, is that what you think of me?" "Mm, I don't know." "Uh, let's see." "Well, I..." "I worked at The Los Angeles Review." "I mostly wrote for the obituary section." "That's kind of cool in, like, a gothic loner kind of way." "I don't know, I just kind of... kind of enjoyed finding the best possible combination of words to tell someone's story, you know?" "I like it when I read the obituary and I look at the picture of the person smiling and looking all happy, and you forget about the pancreatic cancer or whatever shit happened." "It's nice." "Zip me up?" "Um... yeah, sure." "Sure." "Yeah, well, zipped up." "If you're gonna be seen with me," "I can't have you wearing that." "What's wrong with what I'm wearing?" "You look like Mr. Rogers." "What the fuck am I wearing?" "What?" "I look like a band member from Jesse and the Rippers from Full House, that's what." "I think you look hip and handsome, like you belong." " In a Robin Thicke video." " A little bit." "Well, if you're gonna be seen with me, this is what you're wearing." "You just get a couple different color T-shirts." "You rotate them around." "It'll be like a whole new outfit." " The chain looks great on you." " I..." "It does." "You're gonna wait at the bar until I land a client." "Don't leave." "When I do get somebody, I'm gonna go to room 1516." "Just wait in the hall until I'm done." " Remember, you're a ghost." " Got it." "But if I do summon you, you may engage me." "Engage you?" "What are you, the NSA?" "Do I look like I'm laughing?" "On the outside, no, but maybe on the inside?" " No." " Okay." "All right." "Can I have a drink or..." "Would you pay to have sex with me?" "I thought we've already been through this." "I can't afford you." "I know, but, like, am I fucking hot enough?" "Oh, even the pros need a pep talk once in a while, huh?" "I mean, yeah, you're hot." "I understand it's a part of aging, but I still think of myself as a young guy." " Oh?" " I think it's manly." "All right, here." "I'll let you feel something that's manly, huh?" "That's funny, but if you try that shit again," "I'm gonna have my guy over there snap off that puny excuse for a dick." "Oh, hey, I was just..." "I was just messing around." "Come on, there's no need to get worked up here." "Come on, we're just having drinks." "Fuck yes!" "Oh!" "Oh, my God." "Bullshit." "What, you don't think it's possible for me to enjoy the sex?" "Not to that degree and certainly not with a guy like that." "I got to have something for them to come back for." "I mean, it's all about generating regulars." "What, you think those artificial orgasm noises is what brings them back?" "Dude, I get rave reviews." "I'll be sure to check out your Yelp page when I get home." "You should." "Five stars." "Who's texting so much?" "Girlfriend?" "No, just people." "All right, meet me here tomorrow, 10:00 a.m." "All right." "Hey." "Seriously, thanks for doing this." "Ride's on me." "It's nice of them to give me a complimentary tea." "So do you have a pimp, or do you do all your own bookings?" "All generated by yours truly." "Ah, an entrepreneur." "Why go pimp-less?" "They take too much of the pie for what they're worth." "But isn't it, like, dangerous for you to be out there all alone?" "I'm not gonna answer another question until you man up and get a pedicure." "No, I'm not..." "I'm not gonna get a pedicure." "I've never had a pedicure before." "I'm not gonna get a pedicure." "Hey, do manicures come with this?" "No, that's extra." "Would you like one?" "Well, I just figure since we're here." " Hmm." " Right?" "Right." "One-stop shopping sort of thing." " No polish, though." " No, of course not." "No polish." "Yeah... yeah, it varies anywhere from two to eight guys a week." "Most of them are regulars." "Wait, let's just back up a little bit." "How do you even get into this in the first place?" "Dana had just started working, and she was making all this money while I was barely covering the rent from tutoring, and, um, one night, she took me to a club and introduced me to her pimp." "Oh, so you did have a pimp at one point?" " Yes!" " Fucker." " Yeah, for a minute." " Fuck." "Yeah." "For a minute." "He gave me the $900 price tag and called over one of his clients, and before I knew it, his client came over and pulls out a wad of cash and, um, puts it right in front of me." "You tell yourself that you would never do something like that for money, but when it's staring at you right in the face..." "Come on, let's play another game." "Let's go." "Yeah, another game where I kick your ass." "All right, this is unfair." "I don't have this version." "I've got two years ago." "Well, aren't you guys in a celebratory mood?" "Celebrating Benny's promotion, huh?" "You little prick, right?" "Now, I bet he has sucked more dick than you to get where you are, right there, Benny?" "Right?" "God, relax, sweet tits, okay?" "We're just having some fun, all right?" "Let's have another shot." "Hey, you want to move this party upstairs?" "Whoa, whoa, group..." "group table here." "Come on, Warren, man, quit giving her such a hard time." "Shut the fuck up, Benny, all right?" "Drink your drink, all right?" "She can take it." "She can take pretty much anything I can give her, right?" "Huh?" "Oh!" "Ohh, you fucking slut." "You know how many cocks you would have to sit on to pay for a shirt like this?" "All right, that's fucking enough." "Mitch." "Uh... something going on over here?" "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa." "Mind your own fucking business, pal, okay?" "No, he's not gonna mind his own business because he's my bodyguard, and if you don't shut the fuck up, he's gonna beat the crap out of you." "Oh." "Wow." "Tough guy, huh?" "You heard her." "If you don't shut the fuck up," "I'm gonna beat the crap out of you." "Why don't you get the fuck out of here?" "Fuck this." "Wait, wait." "Wait, Mitch, Mitch, Mitch." "Wait, wait, wait." "What are you, using me as, like, some sort of pimp or something?" "Okay, we're using each other." "You get what you want, and I get what I want." "I can't beat up five guys." "I'm not Bruce Lee." "They're all talk." "They're not gonna actually do anything." "Probably." "Think how great your article will be." "Just don't get me killed, okay?" "Thanks." "Who keeps texting you?" "People text." "Friends text." "I'm sure you text." "Yeah, but that's, like, the text frequency of a very desperate woman." "Hey, we're done here, right?" "Yeah, I guess." "All right." "I'll see you later." "Just like that?" "Since when does a pimp have to explain anything to his ho?" "Don't stop." "Don't stop, don't stop!" "Like I said, I'm not planning on it." "Fuck." "I only caught the end, but I think you were doing a little too much..." " You followed me." " Yeah, I followed you." "All that text messaging, you were giving me, like, a creepy drug pin vibe." "I needed to know what it was, and now I know." "Oh, a prostitute was worried about being linked to a seedy underworld." "Yeah, if you're gonna be in charge of my safety," "I need to know that you're not gonna just sketch off and leave me with a potentially dangerous client." "I thought you said this wasn't gonna be dangerous." "It's not gonna be dangerous for you." "I'm a sitting duck out there." "Look, you're my ticket to that job, okay?" "I'm not just gonna leave you." " I just wanted to be clear." " We're clear." "Perfect." "How'd you meet her?" "Who?" "The girl you had bent over the bathroom sink." "I'm sure she has a name." "I'm sure she does, but I don't know it." "Okay, look, that app connected us, all right?" "What do I care if she's on her shift break?" "Is this a rare occurrence?" "No." "This is fascinating." "Do you get tested?" "Often." "What's been your worst scare?" "Hep B." "Hep C." " Seriously?" " Seriously." " But you're all, like..." " Yeah, everything's fine, you?" "Oh, I'm..." "I'm fine." "But that two-week wait?" "Holy shit, right?" "I couldn't eat." "I couldn't sleep." "The worst part is going to that clinic and sitting all alone." "It's awful." "And the place smells like a funeral home." "Yea... the hung poster of the ethnically diverse" "STD-free people just kind of smiling there?" "Yeah, what the fuck is that about?" "Hey, I don't know what you're doing on Sunday, but I'm heading to my dad's house for dinner, and if..." "You want me to meet your family?" "Not my fam..." "I mean, it's just my dad and my sister, but yeah." "It'd be fun." "What's this really about?" "What do you mean?" "I thought it was poor form to bring your work home with you." "Well, you're a presentable piece of work." "Okay, look, my family thinks that I'm kind of, like, a big fuck-up, and, well, you're smart and pretty and personable." "And if I were to bring someone like you home, they'd, you know, think I'm getting my shit together." "You think I'm pretty?" "Look, just... deal or no?" "I suppose I'll wear something tasteful and girlfriend-y, but I'm not holding your hand, and you can't call me babe or boo or anything that starts with a B." "Oh, my God, monkey, you're gonna be great." "Don't even." "With all the time you're spending on this article, it better be good, man." "It's good, I think." "I don't know." "Wow, you sound super confident." "How far into it are you?" "It's still in the, uh, researching stage." "You gonna tell me what it's about or what?" "Nope." "Why?" "You're just gonna be annoying about it." "Am I ever annoying?" "All right, fine, it's, um, just some profile on some girl." "It's nothing." "And she's topical?" "Why?" "Well, uh, she went to Stanford." "Second-tier school, but..." "And, um, you know, men pay her for... for sex." "You're doing a profile on a prostitute?" "Well, if you want to get technical about it," "I guess, but..." "Well, I mean, they do say write what you know." "What are you fucking doing?" "All right, this one?" "You didn't tell me you were Bruce fucking Wayne." "Is this new money, old money?" "What's going on here?" "My dad was a songwriter in the '70s." "Probably a bunch of classics that you've never heard of and none that I care to remember." "Okay." "You look like Betty White's granddaughter." "Did you win your chess tournament?" " I did, actually." " I look great." "Shit, how do I address the butler?" " I've never done this." " I don't have a butler." "Em, hey." "I was beginning to think you forgot about me." " You?" "Come on." " Hey, I'm Natalie." "Holy shit." "You're pretty." "Well, you're adorable yourself, little lady." "This is my sister..." "But you're, like, so fucking pretty." "You're, uh, you're so fucking pretty." "I like her." "I see Dad's not getting on you about the cursing." "If he's gonna make me play JV football, he's gonna have to deal with the cursing I'm exposed to." "Why is he making you play football?" "Because Mitch quit when he was in high school, and he doesn't want me ending up like him." "Why, what's wrong with Mitch?" "Dad says he's poor and will continue to be poor if he keeps working in a dying industry." "Wait here." "Home." "I love it." "Mitch is here." "He's on to some workout video these days." "Mitchell." "Dad, hey." "Good to..." " Ha, yeah." " See you." "Yeah, you too." "You're wearing your contact lenses again, aren't you?" "Yeah." "You look a lot less anal without your glasses." "Thank you, I think." "And this must be?" "I'm Natalie." "Gorgeous, just gorgeous." " I'm Charles." " You have a beautiful home." "Eh, it's all right." "It's been a while since Mitchell brought a girlfriend around here." "How long you two been dating?" " Uh, four..." " Six..." "Four to six months." "We... we average it out to five." "The beginning is always weird." "Does it start with the first text message, the first kiss?" "First kiss." "Totes." "Totes." "Monkey, why don't you write that down?" "First kiss." "Stanford?" "That's impressive." "I knew a girl from Stanford once." "Twice, actually." "Natalie's running her own tutoring business." "Can you tutor me in biology?" "My teacher's got it out for me." " She's a grade-A cunt." " Language." "JV football." "I wish I could, but I only teach math." "Ha, Mitchell was never any good at math." "Emily here's a whiz." "Look at that, ten minutes before putting me down." "That's a new record." "Not everybody is good at the same things, Mitchell." "Dad doesn't think Mitch applies himself and says he looks to blame other people for his problems." "I think Mitch is gonna be just fine." "I've actually been reading the article that he's writing for that magazine, and it's really good." "He's a great writer." "Well, that's great news, Mitchell." "What's it about?" "The article, uh, it's, um..." "Well, you know when, um..." "How... how would I describe this?" "It's about me and my business." "The learning habits of children and what motivates them and such." "Wow, can't wait to read that one." "No offense." "Yeah, no disrespect to your profession, Natalie, but it seems like if this is a one-shot audition thing, why not just do something a little more," "I don't know, risqué?" "Oh, I have a feeling if the article gets published, the risqué will pop out." "Yeah?" " Hey." " Hey." "She's pretty great, huh?" "Yeah, you might want to hang on to that one." "Yeah." "Hey, do you mind if I..." "Uh... sure." "What can I do for you?" "So you remember last week?" "Do you remember last week when I was short on rent?" "Well, since I'm not gonna find out about this article for a few more weeks, I'm gonna be short next week too." "Mitchell, you know that I don't mind helping you out, even though my therapist is begging me to stop enabling you." "Well, it's just until I get this job, and by the way, it's looking good, so I'm sure your therapist would be fine with that." "It's not just Dr. Polanski." "No?" " It's Krystal as well." " Who's Krystal?" " She's my astrologist." " I'm sorry, your what?" "My astrologist." "She says when Mercury is in retrograde, like it is right now," "I can't do anything financial." "In fact, she's instructed me to freeze all my accounts for the month." "Dad, th... this is the last time, I swear." "Mitchell, I'm sorry." "I wish I could help you out." "Retrograde is retrograde." "Right, uh, retrograde." "Yeah." "Okay, Dad." "Oh, have you gone to any of those meetings that Dr. Polanski suggested for the sex thing?" " No, I didn't." " You really might want to go." "He can help you." " 31/2." " Can you do that?" "Okay, no big." "Hey, just text us when you get picked up, all right?" "I'll get a ride home from one of the girls." " Have fun." " Thanks." "Hey, thanks for being so cool at dinner tonight." "I know my dad can be a little much." "No, they're cool." "I had fun." "Although, if you do get this job, don't tell your dad that I'm your prostitute muse." "It'll break his heart." "I really think he likes you." "I know." "So, uh... you probably want to go home now." "What, are you kicking me out?" "No, no, I'm just saying here's your out, if you want it." "Yeah, what I want to do is I want to drink wine on the porch of that giant fucking Scarface mansion." "That's what I want to do." "Then let's do that." "Why do you go to a bar to pick up guys?" "Why don't you have, like, an online profile?" "I'm not a fan of the Internet." "That's trending downwards anyway, so I wouldn't worry about it." "No, really, why are you an escort?" "And I don't want to hear any bullshit about how bad the economy is." "You could do anything you want." " I can't get a job." " Bullshit." "I don't believe that." "Okay, look, this is off the record." " Okay." " No, I'm serious." "You cannot put this in the article." "Okay." "When I was a senior in college," "I made a list of the guys that I had sex with in school, and I put it into this PowerPoint presentation with pictures and things like dick size estimates, and, I mean, it was awesome." "And I forwarded it to a bunch of my girlfriends as a stupid joke." "Was there, like, a lot of guys on this list?" "What's a lot?" "I don't know, like, 20s, 30... 9..." "There was a lot." "I was in college." "I enjoy sex, and I don't think that that is anything to be ashamed of." "But one of my asshole friends decides to forward it to one of her guy friends, who forwards it to one of his guy friends, and before you know it, it's hit all the major blogs, The Huffington Post." "Piers Morgan was gracious enough to use me as an example on CNN in supporting his claim that our selfie generation is the demise of civilization as we know it." "I remember reading about this." " That was me." " That's you?" "That's me." "Try getting a job when every Google search of your name has the word "whore" next to it." "I figure, if I'm gonna be called a whore," "I might as well get paid like one." "I'm sorry." "Yeah." "Everybody's got something, I guess." "No, but that's, like, a big something." "Thanks, dick." " What's up?" " Oh, shit." "Uh, we got to go pick up Emily." " What the..." " What happened?" "The girls wouldn't stop calling me Ice Box, and now I feel sick too." "I just want to go home." "They called you what?" "Ice Box, the girl who plays football in the Little Giants." "Little Giants, that's pretty funny." "No, it's not funny at all." "Why are they so mean to me?" " What did I do wrong?" " You know what?" "I'm gonna say something." "Nobody bullies my little sister." " No, I got this." " No, you don't have to." "No, I got this." "She looks like one tough motherfucker." "Language." "But yeah." "You're not what I expected." " Oh, shit." " What?" "That's the wrong house." "Listen, you little bitch," "I knew girls like you in high school, and you know what happened to them?" "Come on." "You better get your shit together and stop picking on other girls." "You don't make yourself taller by standing on the toes of others, got it?" "Dad?" "Yeah, go ahead." "Call your daddy." "I'd like to have a word with him too." "What?" "Hey, you're at the wrong house." "Get back to the car." "Wrong house, get back to the car." "Let's go." "You couldn't get in the driver's seat?" "My license expired five years ago." " Hurry, hurry, hurry." " I'm going." "Got a ponytail and everything." "Let's go." "Why do I have to be the getaway driver?" "Don't let those girls get to you." "I wish it were that easy." "They're threatened by you." "You're on the football team, getting to spend all that intimate time with all the cute guys that they have crushes on." "And they're not confident, so they try and make you feel as sad as they do." "You really think that?" "Yup, and if you let them get to you, then they've won." "Do you want to go to my bedroom?" "My bedroom's upstairs, if you want to go to sleep." "Your bedroom's upstairs?" "Is that what you said?" "Yeah, you can sleep up there." "I'll sleep here on the couch." "Look, we have to sleep in the same bedroom if your dad's gonna think we're dating." "I'm being a gentleman." "Don't be weird." " I am not being weird." " You're totally being weird." " I'm not being weird." " Okay, shh." "You need help there, Shrek?" "That was really sweet, what you did for Emily tonight." "Even if it meant making a harmless girl cry." "There are no harmless high school girls." "You really took charge." "Sometimes you got to read a situation and take the bull by the horns." "When was the last time you kissed a guy off the job?" "I don't kiss guys on the job." "When was your last kiss?" "I don't know, it's been a while." "Any new techniques I should know about?" " See you later?" " Yeah." "Hey, Mitch." "I want you to have this." "What is it?" "I overheard your conversation with your dad." " No, I-I can't take this." " No, no, take it." "You'll pay me back after you get your new job." "Just take it." "Uh, what..." "hey, so what are you doing now?" "Uh, run home and then I have an appointment at the clinic, you know, the one over on Grand Avenue?" "Yeah, yeah, I like that one." "Comfortable waiting room chairs over there." "Yeah, they're a little worn for my liking, but it's not as bad as the one on Wilshire." "No, those are bad." " Um..." " Go already." "Hey, uh..." "Thank you." "Can I read that when you're done?" "What are you doing here?" "You said how much you hated these places, so..." "I didn't want you to be alone." "What is..." "This looks depressing." "How long you been here?" "Hours." "Hitting the clinic, huh?" "Quite a thoughtful gesture for a work associate." "I'm a..." "I'm a good friend, you know?" "I'm helping you build this desk, aren't I?" "Yeah." "Your dad know about this escort?" "He's met her, yeah, but he... he doesn't, like, know what she does." "And you're not gonna tell him." "Nothing to tell if nothing's going on, right?" "Look, man, I can just talk to her about things that I can't talk about with just anyone." "What's that mean, you can't talk to me about stuff?" "She doesn't judge me, man." "Mitch, I don't judge." "I observe, and I think it's great that you got a new buddy, but why not bond with someone who's into World of Warcraft or Sudoku or water parks?" "Anything other than sex with dudes for money." "That's dangerous." "What are you..." "why are you standing?" "You call me over here to help you build a desk, and I'm doing all the work." "I help you sometimes." "When?" "Like last week, I gave you a fully loaded iPod." "That was a first generation with a bunch of Celtic music on it." "I don't even know what I'm gonna do with that." "Listen to it." "Go for a fucking jog." " I ca..." " It's very rousing music." " Where are you going?" " You know what?" "Like, every time we hang out, all you do is just point out my problems." "Well, here's your problem, man." "You're an asshole." "I don't feel the need to tell you that every single day." "No..." "Mitch." "I can't do these kinds of things!" " Hey, you ready?" " Yeah." "What is this?" "Uh, why don't you have a seat, Mitch?" "We just want to talk to you." "Uh, about what?" "Mitch, take seat." "Or you can stand, if you're more comfortable like that." "This is..." "this is for you, so..." "Why is Junior here?" "Why... why is my landlord here?" "They needed me for unlock apartment." "I ask what for." "They tell me." "I am here to support." "What did they tell you?" "That you have a problem that's been taking over your life for years." "Even though you think you don't hurt people, you do." "So, JP, you've staged an intervention?" "There... there's four people here." "Typically there..." "there's more than four." "Well, that's... that's part of the problem." "These are the only people that cared enough to show up." "You couldn't even get Allie here?" "No, Thursday tennis lessons that she missed last week, which turned into this thing..." "JP told me about the sex app thing or whatever." "This is just getting out of hand, son." "Mitch, you have to stop the drinking." "It hurts the people you love who love you back so much." "I'm, uh, not an alcoholic." "Drugs." "That's even worse." " My son is addicted to sex." " What?" "I think we got it from here, bud." "Thank you." "Son, I think it's time that you get serious about getting some real help." "I'm sorry, you say he's addicted to sex as if it's a bad thing?" "We all care about you, Mitch." "We all just want to see you get better." "Em, what have I ever done to you?" "Whenever I have plans to visit you, you cancel last minute." "You've been home, like, four weekends in the past two years." "You always say you're there for me, but you're never actually there." "Mitchell, it doesn't matter how you ended up here." "The important thing is where you go from here." "How I ended up here?" "You want to use this weak-ass intervention to figure out how I ended up here?" " Krystal says..." " Fuck Krystal." "Hell, I'm surprised you're even here." "Shouldn't you be out walking the Great Wall or hanging out with some energy healing voodoo master?" "But you know what I do remember?" "I remember my high school graduation, you not being there 'cause you had fucking Burning Man." " No, Mitch..." " This is bullshit, JP." " Mitch?" " Come on, man." "We didn't even... this was just the intro part." "This sex app..." "how you search?" "Sex?" "Sex app?" "Just..." "No, you just..." "you have a ton of apps." "I know." "All right, I'm gonna head out there." "I'm here if you need me." "All right." "What is the deal?" "What?" "Nothing." "Nothing?" "You were acting weird on the way over here, and now you're not even looking at me." "I'm fine." "Does this have anything to do with the other night?" "I don't give a shit about that." "Hey, I..." "I said not on the lips." "I said not on the lips." "Hey." "I can't." " Just..." " Hey." "Jesus, the waiters here get creepier every day." "Mitch, I can handle this, okay?" "Wait, you know this guy?" "Hey, buddy, I think you better leave." "Look, I've got a better idea." "Maybe you and your faggot necklace could get the fuck out of my face, and later on I'll take a picture of me fucking your friend, so you have something to jerk off to." "Hey." "Mitch, stop it!" "Stop it!" "Mitch!" "Hey, hey!" "Get the fuck out of here!" "You know, you should really lock your door if you don't want people barging in." "Since when do you give a shit about protecting me?" "That's what you wanted, right?" "You wanted protection." "You wanted someone to care about you, so that's exactly what I gave you." "Oh, don't give me that." "You're using me just like everybody else does, but it's for your magazine article and to con your Dad into giving you money." "And you're perfect?" "You became a hooker because you bragged about fucking a bunch of guys in college." "You know, you could say that Victoria's just a character that you play, but you like this job." "You revel in it." "You're comfortable in it because you're in control." "You dictate the terms." "You don't have to worry about being rejected by a bunch of guys who just want to come all over you." "And you're just a sad person who revels in his own self-loathing." "I'll end the debate for you right now, Mitch." "You're not a sex addict." "You're just an emotionally crippled child with low self-esteem who uses sex to numb his feelings." "Your problem isn't sex." "Your problem is reality." "Sex is just your pathetic fucking Band-Aid." "You asked me for an opportunity." "I didn't have to give you a chance, and I did, and now you're telling me you have this great story and you can't write it?" "I guess that's accurate, yeah." "Huh." "Okay." "That's it?" "You're not mad?" "Mad?" "Fuck do I care?" "I've got two writers out there who'd club a baby seal for the job." "Well, look, I could write something else." "I'd just need a little bit more time." "I make my decision at the end of the week." "Oh." "All right, well, uh, thanks for the opportunity." "Hey, it's none of my business, but when you came in here, you were hungry." "You were inspired." "I mean, you really wanted this job." "It's, what, just not important to you anymore?" "No, it still is." "If you are a journalist, you write." "If you can do anything else, you do anything else." "If you're stuck, go back to the heart." "Go back to what inspired you in the first place, you know, what really got you..." "Oh, I've got to take this." "David." "Hi, any news?" "Damn." "Okay." "Um, yeah." "Oh!" "God, ow!" "Jesus Christ, what the fuck are you doing?" " We need to talk." " Hey!" "Open up!" "Then fucking call me!" "I do call." "You don't pick up my calls." "You need to leave." "I'm working." "Not until you hear me out." "Hey, come on, I'm gonna call the police." "Then hurry." "All right, look, I..." "I know that you don't want to accept it, and I didn't want to admit it, but I..." "I like you in a way that I didn't think I was capable." "I know how much money's in my wallet." "Just shut the fuck up." "Look, we both know that you never needed anyone to protect you." "You've never needed that." "You were just lonely." "Say something." "Open the door." "I'm working." "You're lucky I'm not gonna call the police on you." "Go home to your wife, asshole." "Victoria isn't just a character she plays." "Victoria's a character we all play." "And tonight, some schlepp of a guy will sit along the bar with his head buried in his phone ordering vodka after vodka." "And if the powers that be decide that tonight is his night, an escort named Victoria will lean up against the bar, tell him he can buy her a drink, and blink those beautiful blue eyes, and if the guy's smart, he'll never let her slip away." "Natalie?" "Your academic record is spotless, 4.0 GPA." "But?" "But what?" "But you don't want your institution tarnished by the PowerPoint Sex Girl from Piers Morgan Live." "Thank you so much for your time." "But your essay's the reason we're accepting you into our MBA program." "What?" "Your honesty about what happened to you was refreshing." "Three of the five members of our selection committee have children who were bullied on the Internet." "My daughter was one of them." "What does it say about us if we let cyberbullying prevent a perfectly good MBA candidate from realizing her potential?" "Thanks, man." "I look like a fucking waiter." "You look good." "Besides, that's what they make you wear to these recitals." "I hate clarinet." "Dad won't let me quit." "Yeah." "Hey, is he upstairs?" "Fuck if I know." "Dad?" "Dad?" " Dad?" " Oh." "Oh." "Hi, son." "Good exercising..." "Yeah, uh, the whole exercise thing, yeah." "Um, one of Emily's friend's asshole father told Emily that when you get over 50, you got to work out every day, so she thinks if I don't exercise, I die." " It's crazy." " Sounds crazy." "So look, I got some more money for you if you still need it." "What happened to Krystal and Mercury in retrograde?" " She left me." " You were dating." " My astrologer." " Of course." "Son, she was 35 and a Pilates instructor." "Do you have any idea what Pilates does to a woman's ass?" "So how's Natalie?" "Or should I say..." "Victoria?" "I think it's a great article." "I'm proud of you." "Where'd I put the thing?" "Here." "Thank you." "You know, I used to steal your weed when I was a kid." "Really?" "That was you?" "I always thought that was Rosalita." " No, it was me." " Well, that's all right." "It was your mom's weed." " Get the fuck out of here." " Oh, yeah." "I was on the straight and narrow till she came along." "So what about Natalie?" "Ah, I fucked that up." "Well, you need to un-fuck that up." "Look, if what you wrote in this article is the truth, then you can't ignore your feelings." "That regret is gonna grow inside of you and twist you into a dark and thorny place." "I know, I've been there." "It's not good." "Smoke some weed." "So I've been thinking." "I know you said I don't have to play football next season, but I kind of want to." " Yeah, why is that?" " I don't know." "I guess I don't mind the hitting and all the yelling and stuff." "What?" " What?" " It's a boy." " It's definitely a boy." " It's not a boy." "That's the only thing that makes sense." " It's not a boy." " What's his name?" "His name is Jonathan, and he plays wide receiver, and he has the cutest ass on the team." " Language." " Sorry, butt." "Do I even know this kid?" "Do you remember the guy who scored all the touchdowns at my games last year?" "Wait, Jonathan?" "Touchdown Jonathan?" " Yeah." " He's pretty good." " I'll go get it." " And I think he likes me." "Ah, dear God." "Hey." "Hi." "I read your article, and, well," "I think you misquoted me." "Nobody even knows it's you, just like you asked." "But there are some lines in here I would have never said." "Like what?" ""You see enough unfaithful husbands," ""and you start to get sickened by the whole notion of love." ""How can you trust men when you see them" ""call their wives in front of you and say" ""they love them after they just paid for sex?" ""I don't think you can be in my industry" ""and still believe in love." "It's like being a scientist and believing in God."" "Yeah, you definitely said all of that." "I'd really like you to publish a retraction of that statement and revise it to say, "You see enough unfaithful husbands"," ""and you start to question the notion of love," ""and then when you finally experience it for yourself," ""you see what all the fuss is about," ""and you can't imagine not having that person in your life," ""and you feel like the luckiest person in the world," ""and you would do anything to make them feel the same way about you."" "I quit." "I'm officially a grad student in September." "Get an MBA and make this tutoring thing a real business." "I'll have to pay taxes." "Well, that's... that's good." "That's... that's really good for you." "I'm happy for you." "Yeah." "Okay." "Wait." "I want that with Jonathan." "Yeah, over my dead body."