"We moved here about a month ago." "My parents said it would be better... for me and my brother Eric." "They always say that when they want something." "Everything was different." "All the streets had different names." "All my friends were far away." "I was miserable." "I hated it... until I met my first friend-- Maurice." "I'll never, ever... have a friend like him again." "Damn it." "I hate this." "You wanted a bigger house, a fixer-upper." "I wanted something both of us could do together... and you're never here." "You think I like commuting two hours to a job I hate?" "I thought things would be different here." "I thought we'd spend time together." "You're the one who stopped working." "You think I like being a stranger to my kids?" "I don't know." "Come on." "I'm not a monster, I'm a man." "I'm not sure there's a big difference." "Oh, great." "Now I'm a monster." "Look, I just wish you'd be here when you're here." "Hi." "My name's Danya Haye... and welcome to Channel 98 cable access" "All About Chicks." "Today my guest is Lovey." "Lonnie." "Oh, sorry, Lonnie." "Right." "So, Lonnie, tell me." "Where are you from?" "I'm from Fort Lauderdale, but I'm dying to go to L.A." "Mommy!" "Mommy!" "Mommy!" "Mommy, a monster!" "A monster!" "Mommy, Mommy!" "Mom, a monster!" "Honey, are you all right?" "OK." "Now, the monster in your dream" "I was wide awake!" "Well, it was probably just your mommy snoring." "This is no joke, Dad!" "There was a real monster!" "Really?" "Honey, there's no such thing as monsters." "it ran in from the hall... grabbed my ankle, and slid under my bed!" "Under the bed?" "Under the bed?" "Yeah." "No, Dad, don't!" "Yuck." "No monsters." "Sick." "I guess all the dust bunnies scared him away." "Bunny?" "No, no." "No bunnies, no monsters." "There is nothing under your bed." "Now, why don't you just go to sleep, OK?" "Can I have the flashlight?" "Sure, honey." "Would you get it?" "Holly, I thought we-- I'll get the... flashlight." "OK." "Come on, tuck up." "You know, I bet those monsters... are more afraid of you than you are of them." "I know." "Once you realize they don't exist... poof." "They disappear." "Now, that's a lot of power." "Glen..." "Don't burn up the batteries, OK?" "I won't." "Good night, sweetheart." "All right, have a good sleep." "Good night, Mom." "Good night, Dad." "Good night, honey." "You think he heard us?" "Of course he heard us." "That's what scared him." "Eric, did you take your vitamins?" "Yes." "Good boy." "OK, no trading for Twinkies today." "Come on, Mom." "I don't do that." "Did you carry it over the lawn?" "Good morning." "Hey, Mom." "Hi, honey." "Hey, Eric." "Hope whatever you watched on TV last night... was worth your allowance and two weeks of TV." "We found the sandwich, Brian." "What sandwich?" "Brian Arthur Stevenson... you are the only person in this family... who eats peanut butter and onion sandwiches." "You think every time you get caught... you can just lie your way out of it?" "Damn." "Damn it!" "The plumber's coming next week." "Great." "I can leave him all these dishes." "Just keep telling yourself-- it's our dream house." "it's our dream house." "it's our dream house." "You're dead, mister." "Hey, I didn't do anything." "Just like the sandwich?" "All right, all right." "Fine." "I admit it." "I did have a sandwich, but I did not have any ice cream." "Why do you always blame everything on me?" "Somebody put scuff marks on the door kicking them open... and somebody puts gum under the table." "Brian, you are old enough to know the difference... between right and wrong." "Why don't you start acting it?" "Why don't you start acting it?" "Dad." "Aw, look at it this way." "They can only get better." "Great." "Then can I stay home from school?" "Are you sorry we moved?" "I hate it here." "Guess you miss your friends, huh?" "Mom, it's killing me." "You know, the realtor Mr. Coleman... he had a kid about your age." "Ronnie Coleman's a toad." "Well, he seemed like a nice kid to me." "Great." "Then you can invite him over for milk and dead flies." "I would, but your father ate 'em all." "Brian!" "My bike!" "You ran over it!" "My car." "Whose fault is this, Brian?" "No way." "I parked it right over there!" "Right there!" "Right, so before I got in the car..." "I went around and put the bike there myself?" "Forget it, Charlie." "First my shirt, now this." "I'm fifteen minutes late here!" "What do you expect me to do with my bike?" "Look at it. it's destroyed." "Well, you're gonna have to learn to ride it like that." "You're grounded for two weeks." "No TV for three, and you can forget about your allowance... until that car is paid up." "Glen, isn't that a little rough?" "Holly, don't make me the villain here." "So, Dad, you mean to tell me that my bike is ruined... and your car has a little dent in it" "I'm being punished?" "That's not fair!" "Somebody put it there, Brian." "And it didn't slime you." "You sure?" "Sure, I'm sure." "I think I'd know if I was slimed." "And it didn't go into the closet?" "You know, like, to rip something off?" "No." "What about your desk?" "it didn't do your geography homework, did it?" "Look, Todd, I never would've told you about this, but" "OK, all right." "So, this is an exclusively under-the-bed phenomenon... we're dealing with here." "That's right-- exclusively under my bed." "it really was a monster." "Really?" "What did it look like?" "I don't know." "Hi, Kiersten." "Hi, Kiersten." "Hi." "Slow down!" "Eric, Toad." "Why aren't you riding your bike?" "What bike?" "Dad ran over it... because you left it in the driveway." "No way." "Your bike?" "No way!" "Look, I put it away." "Mom and Dad wouldn't touch it, so that only leaves you." "I didn't touch your bike." "I can hardly reach the pedals." "All right, that's it." "You lie to me, you starve." "My lunch!" "You jerk!" "I didn't do anything!" "Oh, yeah, right." "And what about that ice cream?" "You snuck some ice cream last night, too, didn't you?" "Forget it." "Don't blame it on me." "The monster." "That's it." "That's what it was doing." "There are no monsters." "Who's Eric?" "Who's the Eric who threw his lunch at me?" "He did." "You Eric?" "You want this back?" "Sit down back there!" "Why don't you pick on someone your own size?" "Like Bigfoot." "Maybe I will." "Get back in your seats... or I'll destroy every one of you!" "You're dead meat, Stevenson!" "Stevenson!" "if it's the last thing I do today..." "I'm gonna make you eat this shirt." "Fight!" "Fight!" "Listen, Coleman, I'm surprised you haven't eaten it already." "Fight!" "Fight!" "Fight!" "Fight!" "it's the principal!" "Cool it, man!" "Cool it, guys!" "Break it up!" "Break it up!" "What is going on here?" "Sir, I was just showing Brian... what he did to my shirt, and he pushed me away." "Come on" "Stevenson, you're new here, aren't you?" "Yes, sir." "Well, I think we'd better have a little talk in my office." "You have rules to learn." "Toodles, Bri." "There's enough power in here to light up Yankee Stadium." "Already out on parole?" "Very funny." "So, what's up, Miss Deveaux?" "You really want to know, or are you just asking?" "I really want to know." "Disgusting." "Your face may corrode the camera." "This is cool." "Don't touch. it's fragile." "it's a night blooming cactus." "I want to see if artificial sunlight... changes its normal blooming pattern." "I'm training it to bloom in the daytime." "To be scientific, I document the results with Polaroids." "Hey, you know what?" "if you mounted the camera in one spot, like, upside-down... you could take a whole bunch of pictures... and make them into, you know, like a movie." "Here, look." "Like time-lapse photography." "That's great." "Yeah, so I guess it's all set." "Me and you will team up on the project." "Forget it, Brian." "I'll end up doing all the work." "No chance." "Find somebody else to leech off of." "Hey, all right." "You know what?" "Think about it." "Take your time." "You'll probably change your mind." "Hey, if you say there's no monster... then switch rooms with me." "What?" "Switch rooms with me." "Yeah." "You sleep in Eric's room, and he sleeps in your room." "You just want my room." "I want you to prove me wrong." "I dare you to switch rooms." "Double dare him." "Relax, Toad." "I double dare you to switch rooms." "Will you guys take a hike?" "I'll pay you." "Hey, Toad." "Brian, you gotta stay the whole night... and you gotta sleep with your legs... sticking out of the covers." "And you have to have the door closed." "Oh, God, please, stop." "I can't take it." "You're frightening me." "Eric, Todd, it's time for bed." "Hey, you guys, don't touch anything in my room." "Good night, Dad." "Good night, Mr. Stevenson." "Good night." "Hey, Dad." "Hey, Bri." "You know, I think it's really nice of you... to switch rooms with Eric like this." "I'm proud of you." "Thanks." "Yeah." "Personally, I think you guys are both kind of nuts... about this monster thing... but if you happen to see him tonight..." "Yeah?" "Could you maybe get me some autographs?" "OK." "Yes." "OK, I'll get you autographs!" "So the girl's waiting for her roommate to get back." "She's getting real scared." "Oh, yeah." "The room is on the second floor." "So she's waiting." "it's probably the darkest night ever." "Suddenly from outside, she hears, "Thump, thump." ""Thump, thump."" "So she gets real brave." "She inches her way to the door, and she hears it again..." ""Thump, thump." "Thump, thump."" "So this girl is standing by the door... and the "Thump, thump" is getting louder and louder." "So she opens the door, screams... but nothing will come out." "She looks out terrified as her roommate comes up the stairs-- only the ax man cut off all her arms and legs." "She's dragging herself up by her chin." ""Thump, thump." "Thump, thump." "Thump, thump."" "Phenomenally incredible, huh?" "it really happened?" "I'm deadly serious, man." "My brother Freddie told me it happened... to a friend of a friend... of a distant cousin of a cousin of ours." "Hey, Brian." "Hey, Brian, you OK?" "Looks like you got two weird phenomenons in your house-- a monster and a giant chicken." "Double or nothing." "May I be excused?" "Yes." "Eric wanted you to have this." "Hi, Mom." "Hi." "Brian, are you all right?" "Fine, Mom." "Never felt better." "Well, then what are you doing in bed at 9:15 at night?" "School, Mom." "it's a big day ahead of me." "Big, big day." "Sounds nice, Brian, but why don't I believe you?" "it's the new me." "OK." "Well, I guess I'll see the brand new... all new you in the morning." "Mom?" "I love you." "I love you, too, honey." "Good night." "Good night." "Yeah." "Dad!" "A monster." "What are you doing, Brian?" "What the hell is going-- look at this mess." "What the hell am I stepping in?" "Doritos?" "Jesus." "I'll clean them up." "You're damn right, you will." "Get back in that bed, mister." "Dad, wait a minute." "There was a monster here." "You gotta believe me." "A monster?" "Brian, it's a pile of clothes." "You're wrestling a pile of clothes." "What's so funny?" "After you finish cleaning this room tomorrow... you're gonna clean out the garage." "And after the garage, you're gonna cut the hedges." "But it wasn't my fault." "After the hedges, you're gonna mow the lawn." "it wasn't my fault." "Good night." "Boo." "Keep an eye out for monsters." "I'll scream." "Scream?" "Good idea." "You know what?" "You scream, your dad's gonna come in here... with a 1 2-gauge shotgun, blow your head off." "Actually, I'll scream." "Shut up!" "Great." "Actually, your dad's gonna come in here... and find Dorito puke all over the floor." "What's he gonna say?" "Wow!" "Baseball cards." "I love baseball cards." "Got him, got him, need him, got him." "Got him, got him, need him, got him." "A football." "He goes down the 25-yard line... the 50-yard line, the 40-yard line." "Stevenson, go for the long bomb!" "Light!" "The sun!" "Let me go, let me go!" "OK." "Horns." "Great." "Great." "Now nobody's gonna recognize me." "I got to get under the bed." "I got to go." "No!" "What's happening?" "I got to get back." "I got to go." "I got to go." "I got" "What's going on?" "Bacon and eggs, kid." "What do you want... sunny side up or over easy?" "You're dying." "it's the sunlight, isn't it?" "First it disfigures you, then it kills you." "Nah." "You're mixing me up with that pansy with the red cape." "Please..." "I have to get under the bed... before the sun totally rises." "No way." "You wrecked my bike." "You've been pulling stuff, trying to get me in trouble." "Brian..." "Brian, please." "Damn." "Hey, bud, the name's Maurice, and I'll catch you later!" "This is ridiculous." "I want my remote." "Where the hell is it?" "How am I supposed to watch TV without the remote?" "Have you by any chance seen a piece of sandpaper... or a paintbrush around here the last few days?" "Yeah, sure, there was one." "But there are no more, right?" "Right." "Your room is monster-free... so I'll be taking my master suite back tonight." "Brian!" "Eric!" "Hey, Bri, Eric, have you guys seen the remote thing?" "I got the Celtics, the Sox, the Masters are on." "I can't switch it without the remote." "I didn't take it, Dad." "Well, then where" "God damn this house." "Mom, a monster!" "Hey, why did you change rooms with that wiffle ball?" "He's gonna have a heart attack by the time he's ten." "I get it." "All right, so, like... when it gets darker, your eyeballs get bigger... but then when the lights go on, you turn into clothes." "Brilliant, Bri, just brilliant." "You must be in, what, at least grade two." "Six." "A worldly scholar." "Super." "I love it." "How about lighting a candle?" "These lights are painful, man." "No way." "I have enough problems... without you running around getting me into more." "You got your stupid remote control back." "Now turn off the lights." "Hey, what about the batteries?" "I ate them for breakfast." "I'd give 'em to you right now... but double "A" batteries constipate me, OK?" "Maybe a little later." "That's gross." "Hey, and what about my bike?" "I'll get you a new bike." "Just get me out of these clothes!" "Honest, I'm burning up." "My inseams are on fire!" "All right, but any funny moves, and you're clothes." "Grazie, boy, grazie." "You're a pretty sharp kid." "You're ugly, but you're sharp." "Wait." "Let me get it." "You know, I thought it was something good, but it's snot." "I've been in this business well over 200 years... and I've never been trapped once." "How old are you?" "Eleven." "And I ain't getting any prettier." "Hey, dude." "Come here, bud." "You don't know it yet... but tonight is your lucky night." "What do you mean?" "I mean" "I know, I know." "You're gonna grant me three wishes, right?" "Wishes?" "Wishes are bush league leprechaun, pal." "I'm a monster, OK?" "Look, listen to this." "I'm a monster, and monsters don't do wishes." "Then what do monsters do?" "Good question." "I have the time of my life." "How do you do that?" "it's magic, chump. it is." "You just gotta be handsome and gorgeous like me... or have somebody handsome and gorgeous like me show you how." "Brian Stevenson, come on down!" "I can't." "Can't?" "I hate that word." "That word's like caca to me." "No." "Can't." "Can't." "You can't jam a basketball." "You can't have a hand grenade go off in your lap and survive." "Those things you can't do... but you can take a walk on the wild side." "Well, look." "Even if I do go... how do I know I'm gonna be able to come back?" "Listen to me." "What goes on down there is every kid's fantasy." "imagine, if you will... imagine a world solely of kids-- kids that just want to have fun." "And make trouble." "Trouble?" "Trouble is our code of honor." "it's our blood, our life support system." "it's our raison d'etre." "That's French." "Do they all look like you?" "Only the good-looking ones." "Think of it, Bri." "No teachers, no rules, no homework." "No parents." "You hear me, boy?" "I said no parents." "Man, that alone is worth all the money in the world." "it's about leaving your clothes wherever you want to leave them." "it's about never having to clean up after you eat." "it's about never worrying about being on time." "it's about staying up late... watching whatever it is you want to watch on TV." "You want to watch Letterman?" "The Playboy Channel?" "it's about nailing somebody that bugs you... in a way that you never dreamed possible." "What's that?" "it's about total, 100%, unadulterated..." ""where's the beef" anarchy!" "Brian, it's about freedom." "Freedom to live life... the way the creators of this planet intended." "Man, that sounds great." "What do you say, bud?" "You ready?" "Maurice, I was born ready." "But first I'm gonna need some insurance." "Whoa, there, thunder." "No, no, no." "Candles, matches, even something festive like this... this would be nice, but absolutely nada." "No bright light, OK, bud?" "All right!" "if you want to take it." "But I'm telling you, you got to hide it, OK?" "Sure." "OK." "Sure." "Come on." "Maurice!" "Hey, bud." "What is this place?" "I thought the dining room was under Eric's room." "Well, we're not in Kansas anymore, buddy." "Come on, take a look at this." "Take a gander, Bri." "Ain't it amazing?" "Yo, Brian, move 'em out." "We're burning night light, pard." "Come on, come on, come on." "Hey, Maurice, like the horns." "Sid!" "I never forget a face." "it's the other one I can't remember." "Get out of here, bud." "Did not!" "Did, too!" "Did not!" "Did, too!" "Hey, Al, Grizbit, this is my new bud." "Hi, Bud." "Hi." "The name's Brian." "Hi, Brian." "Bud." "Brian." "Bud!" "Brian!" "Bud!" "Brian!" "Wait a second." "What are all these stairs and ladders for?" "Good question, bud." "Every one of these staircases... leads to some poor soul's bedroom." "it's like-- let me put this simply." "it's a veritable cornucopia of mischief." "Hi, Maurice." "Hey, come here." "What's that on your shirt?" "Where?" "Get out of here." "Let me show you around." "Let me show you straight." "Don't do it." "I have to do it." "Don't do it." "Nobody likes you." "Good-bye, cruel world!" "Gomer, Brian, Brian, Gomer." "Trick or treat, smell my feet." "You're gonna love this place." "What?" "All right." "The magic word." "I forget the magic word." "it's" "Think, think, think." "That's it." "Come on, bud." "How you doing?" "Rock and roll!" "Dance with me, baby." "One, two, cha, cha, cha." "One, two... isn't this neat, Bri?" "Free ball!" "Free ball!" "Hey, what are you doing?" "You're going to tilt it." "I know that face." "Kiddo, baby, honey, bubby, open your eyes." "Don't you know down here there's no such thing as tilt?" "This is my favorite place on the whole planet." "Every craving you've ever craved... every flavor you've ever flaved." "And the best part is, you don't see any parents... telling the kids what they can't eat, do you?" "No." "Do you?" "No!" "Za." "I love Za." "Cake." "For later." "Laces tied together." "Hey, somebody wants you over there." "What?" "Hey, who hit me?" "Hey, don't fight." "Look, somebody dropped a quarter." "Whose is it?" "Don't know." "Here, let me give you a hand with those." "Oh, yeah, me, too." "Here." "Hey, Maurice." "Hey, Schmoog." "Who's the drip?" "Hey, ease off, bud." "This young man, he saved me from a fatal case of sunburn... so I decided to give him the grand tour." "Oh, very well." "You got a brat in Cleveland..." "A brat in Cleveland." "an imp in Atlanta..." "An imp in Atlanta." "And a twerp in Boston." "And a twerp in" "And a dweeb giving me all this." "Raise hell tonight and show him how it's done." "I will." "Wait a second." "You're not gonna tell me... there's an airport in this place, are you?" "Brian." "Come on." "Does it look like... these hunchbacks can handle a plane?" "it's magic." "That was pretty neat, huh?" "You see, down here, distance is like time." "And time is like... it's like polyester with an acrylon blend." "Sorry, bud." "Wait a second." "This is somebody else's house." "No...duh!" "Where'd you park the squad car, Dick Tracy?" "Come on." "Hey, chill out, babe, OK?" "I mean, you're quick." "That's a good instinct... but it's a little primitive, huh?" "Not now, Harold." "isn't he sweet?" "I bet you he's dreaming about puppies... and his favorite baseball player." "Yeah." "Well, not for long." "Yellow." "Yellow." "Yellow." "Blue." "Blue." "Blue." "Blue." "Chocolate." "Never above 3'6"." "3'6"?" "Always against white." "Yeah." "You know, Bri, we live in a world... dedicated to wreaking hell on an entire nation of kids." "Hey, they're not that bad." "We're the reason kids get locked in their rooms." "We're the reason brothers hate their sisters." "We're also the reason parents send their kids back to camp." "I love it." "I'm alive!" "Maurice, is there any way I can make a special stop?" "I want to check somebody out." "You're too good." "You're just too damn good." "Something stinks." "Look at Ronnie Coleman with his little teddy bear." "And his thumb." "This is classic." "What's this?" "Ronnie's sandwich." "Ronnie's sandwich." "Yeah." "All right." "What flavor?" "What is it?" "Tuna fish." "That stinks." "Cat food." "And then some tuna." "Perfect!" "And then bake it in the oven." "Wrap it nicely." "350 degrees." "OK." "All right." "Ready?" "Turn it face up." "No one will ever notice." "What?" "What?" "Apple juice." "Hold this." "So what?" "Yeah?" "What?" "You're drinking it?" "Maurice, that's disgusting." "What is that all about?" "And good for you, too." "What are you doing?" "All right, Maurice!" "That's great!" "All right." "Yes." "Oh, yeah." "Yes." "Oh, boy, what'd you eat today, man?" "Ronnie is gonna be pissed." "No kidding." "I feel like I have been on vacation for a week." "Bud." "Oh, no." "My dad's getting up in ten minutes." "That means the sun comes up in five." "OK, bud." "I can't bear to see anybody go up there without protection." "Those UVs can be pretty dangerous..." "if you know what I mean." "Thanks." "Yeah." "Visiting hours are over at dawn... so unless you want a new residence... or a set of horns, we'd better book, bud, OK?" "I suppose you're going to tell me your sister did this?" "I'm innocent!" "I'm innocent!" "I'll take a lie detector test!" "if you didn't do it, who did?" "!" "I don't know!" "Peter!" "it's because I'm working, isn't it?" "Son, doll hair never grows back!" "What made you think the cat needed a shave?" "Do you want to go to military school?" "!" "Good morning, Mr. Stevenson!" "Move it." "Hey, what's with the glasses, Rip Van Winkle?" "I had a late night." "I bet you were up real late working on your science project." "Actually, I never thought of it that way." "Well, mine's all finished." "Great!" "Piss!" "Who put piss in my apple juice?" "Gross!" "Yes!" "Yes!" "All right!" "He spit piss on the principal!" "Maurice!" "A natural!" "A no holds barred, dyed in the wool... no assembly required natural." "What?" "What?" "What do you think?" "Jeez, I thought I was quick, but you, Scooby Doo... you're already moving through the shadows." "No, I'm not." "No, you're not." "No." "No?" "You pulled me through." "Get out of town." "Fine, fine, fine." "Don't believe me... but I'm telling you one thing, buddy boy." "it was a lot easier... pulling you through tonight than it was last night." "Maurice, why'd you do that?" "Nice ass." "I'm good in twister, too." "Not even my mother sees me in my boxer shorts!" "Well, did you ever see her in hers?" "Say, Bri... don't you have any cheese in your life, bud?" "Cheese?" "What kind?" "Mademoiselles." "What?" "Squeeze, tomatoes, broads, chicks... girls." "I said girls." "Don't you have anybody else in your life besides your mother... who wears an over the shoulder boulder holder?" "I think your babe just barked." "So, what's this Kiersten dame like?" "Personally, I'm a wart and mole kind of guy." "Hey, I'm talking to you." "Well, she's pretty neat, but she's a girl." "You know, real smart-- always knows the answer, always raises her hand." "Always has her homework done?" "Exactly." "I amaze me." "OK, Gumby, Showtime." "I don't believe it." "She likes me." "I thought she hated me." "Why would anybody hate you, Bri?" "All you are is ugly." "Hey, Brian..." "I want you to meet a couple friends of mine." "This is Barbie, and this is Midge." "These chicks are so close to my heart." "No, no. it's just that ever since we moved here..." "I haven't really been able to make friends, other than you." "And I never thought anybody really cared... least of all Kiersten." "Oh, Brian, everybody cares." "it's just that certain people... have a different way of showing it." "Some people are more giving than other people, right?" "There you go, bud." "Enjoy yourself." "Thank you." "Thank you very much." "I'll keep this." "Hey, look at her flip book." "isn't this neat?" "I can't believe it." "You know, I thought of this." "I gave her the idea." "Man's best friend." "His right hand." "Good boy." "Fine." "I won't see you anymore." "I'll just sleep in the office and send you the check." "I wouldn't notice the difference." "That's all you want from me-- my paycheck." "That's not all I want from you." "That's all I get." "I don't know what you're talking about." "Mr. "I've got a headache." We don't even need a door." "Fine, fine." "We won't fight anymore." "Take away the fighting, there's nothing left... of our marriage at all." "Keep your voice down." "The kids can hear." "Brian?" "Now you care about the kids." "Brian?" "Can I have a flashlight?" "Oh, shit!" "it's Snik!" "it's Snik!" "Run, run, run!" "Let's get out of here!" "Arnie, Arnie, Arnie." "Arnie." "You know, Boy gets what he wants." "When he asks you for a favor... you should take that as a compliment." "But I tried." "You gotta believe me, Snik." "I tried." "Oh, you tried, did you, Arnold?" "Well, you didn't try hard enough!" "My knees, they hurt!" "Oh, your knees hurt?" "Well, that's not all that's gonna hurt, Arnold." "You know why?" "Because I'm gonna take my big thumb... and jam it in your eye!" "Then I'm gonna take my finger... and put it in the corner of your mouth... and I'm gonna rip the corner of your mouth out!" "That's good for a laugh, isn't it?" "You're scared of me, aren't you, Arnold?" "I like that." "I love that." "But you know what I like even more than that, Arnold?" "I like taking my two big black leather gloved hands... and grabbing your head and tearing it off!" "Boy gets what he wants!" "Hey, remember, Boy always gets what he wants." "Never ever, ever forget that!" "Ever!" "Well, you didn't have to mess up her room." "Bud, if there's one rule... it's you never ever, ever, ever... get emotionally involved with the victim--ever." "Maurice, she was starting to like me." "I can't wait to see her tomorrow." "Let me show you this, bud." "You're gonna love this." "Yeah." "This is great." "Look, look." "How do you play this?" "Come here. it's simple." "Let me show you, bud." "All right, we get the shit." "We smash the shit." "And then we put the shit back." "it's called monster ball." "We do the bashing." "You get the thrashing." "Let's play ball." "Come on, bud." "Oh, my god!" "No, no!" "Hang on!" "He's a new kid." "He's with me, Snik." "Maurice!" "No one should ever, ever... come this close to Boy's stairway!" "Right." "Never ever, ever come this close to Boy's stairway!" "Hey, kid, you want a fresh fly?" "No, no!" "I could break his neck, Maurice." "I could." "Let's drop him." "No!" "He's just kidding." "Snik, think of this." "Dead people have limited potential... and I don't think that Boy would like damaged goods." "But it's your responsibility, and you" "Oh, no, he's your responsibility, Maurice." "Oh, no, he's your responsibility, Maurice." "Right." "Right." "if you screw up, I drop you!" "That's fair." "Let's go, bud." "Oh, my back." "Run." "Go, go, go." "Damn it, Maurice, who was that?" "Who, Snik?" "Yeah." "All talk." "Just a big mouth." "And ever since he developed that hump... he's been such a bitch." "But you learn to stay away from Snik... and his staircase, OK, bud?" "No kidding." "Let's move it." "You're such a doll." "Come on." "But he wasn't there." "Was the window open?" "I don't know." "I didn't check." "Maybe he went outside." "Maybe he stepped outside to smoke a cigarette." "I bet that's it." "At 4:00 in the morning?" "And I just--yes." "That was very" "You brought that up great, and" "Well, Mr. Stevenson... thank you for joining us." "Please come in." "You're just in time for Kiersten's presentation." "Kiersten, are you ready?" "Yes, I am, Mr. Finn." "Oh, look at this." "That's wonderful." "Thank you." "Do you have your research report?" "Yes." "OK." "I thought I did." "Maurice." "I guess my dog chewed it up." "Oh, right." "You don't even have a dog." "All right, that's enough." "Hey, Bri, nothing to worry about." "Only a drill." "Hey, pard, what's with the lights?" "Something personal?" "Yeah, you." "Me?" "Your only friend in the whole world?" "Window pain." "My used-to-be only friend in the whole wide world." "You messed up Kiersten's homework." "What?" "What did I do to the homework?" "You chewed it up." "You destroyed it." "You know she got a Zero because of you?" "Brian, I was hungry, OK?" "And it just so happened at that moment..." "I had a craving for a six-page paper... on the daytime blooming of a nighttime cactus." "And I'll tell you something else." "I got incredible heartburn from that." "I can't believe you did that." "I asked you not to... and you just went ahead and did it anyway." "Brian, I happen to have a..." "You like her, don't you?" "No, I don't." "Yes, you do." "No, I don't." "Yes, you do." "No, I don't." "Brian's got a girlfriend." "Brian's got a girlfriend." "No, I don't!" "Brian's got a girlfriend." "Would it help the boo boo if I said I was sorry?" "Here, look, just go back to your dumb underworld... and leave me and Eric alone." "Dad, what is it?" "Hey, Brian, come downstairs with me." "Your mom and I want to talk to you and Eric for a minute." "Do you want a ride?" "Sure, Daddy." "We wanted to talk to the both of you, because... well, your mother and I have come to a decision... and it affects all of us." "We feel you're grown up enough to understand." "We feel you're grown up enough to understand." "Mom and I have decided... that we're not gonna live together for a while." "A business trip?" "No, honey, not exactly." "Eric, don't you get it?" "They're getting a divorce." "No, Brian, we are not getting a divorce." "Yeah, right." "it's just that your father and I need to work some things out... and we feel it would be better if we were" "Look, it's just like a-- it's a trial separation." "God, sorry." "That's what you do before you get a divorce." "Brian, we're not getting a divorce." "So Dad's not leaving?" "Eric..." "Good." "Listen to me." "I have to live in the city for a while." "Hopefully, it won't be for long." "No." "You don't have to go." "Yes, I do." "Yes, I do." "But, look, we'll get to talk every day." "I'll be good, I promise." "I'll be better." "You won't have to go and live in the city." "I swear to God, I'll be better." "Brian, too." "He promises." "Right?" "Eric, it's not your fault, and it's not Brian's fault." "it isn't anybody's fault." "it isn't anybody's fault." "Bri, you all right?" "Yeah, Dad, I'm just fine." "I heard it all." "Sucks, huh?" "Yeah. it's not too good." "I hate them." "No, you don't." "No, you don't." "At least you have a family." "Believe it or not... you're the only real friend I have." "Why do you think I keep coming back?" "if I didn't like you, I'd have your parents... blaming you for the shooting of Abe Lincoln." "Come on down." "it'll cheer you up." "Come on." "I don't really feel like being cheery." "Oh, Bri, baby..." "pranks, snacks, games." "it'll take away the hurt." "Come on." "Know what we could do?" "Go see Kiersten." "We'll bring her flowers." "I've got a great idea." "We'll go to Ronnie Coleman's... and we'll loosen all the bolts on his furniture." "What do you say?" "it'll be quick." "it's good for your bones." "Cross my heart and hope to die." "Come on." "OK." "All right!" "Come on." "Alley oop!" "You all right, bud?" "Yeah, fine." "Hey, where's the party?" "Night light out at the Grossberg's." "Coming through." "New guy." "Coming through." "Excuse me." "Move over." "Come on, bud." "is this the line with tickets?" "Come on, bub." "New guy." "We're here." "Bri, I'd like you to meet some of my friends." "This is Sherry, Debbie, Pumpkin, Bernie." "This is great." "Well, let's do it, man." "This is fun." "Scare the hell out of her, Bri." "Go ahead, Tonto." "Make her poop her Pampers." "Make her doody her diapers." "Make her caca her crib." "Watch this." "He's great." "Go ahead, bud." "Maurice, she's just a little baby." "Baby, baby, baby." "it's our duty, man." "This is a character builder." "Come on, Tonto." "Scare the hell out of her." "Watch this, guys." "Watch this." "Go ahead." "Scare the hell out of her." "Boo." "Boo?" "Boo." "Boo?" "What are you, the tooth fairy?" "Stop it." "Come on, stop it!" "Brian, relax, OK?" "Maurice, this is cruel." "Baby!" "Light!" "Brian!" "Todd, are you OK?" "What happened?" "Brian!" "I'm shrinking." "Something's wrong." "So, how are the kids taking it?" "They're fine." "Eric went to school." "Brian stayed home." "He's upstairs... sawing the legs off all the beds." "OK, so I guess each kid just has his own way of dealing with it." "Beats being an axe murderer in ten years." "Yeah." "Just give me a second." "I can" "We almost had him." "He was becoming one of us." "He knows our secrets, Maurice." "I'll tell you." "You know what?" "Let's leave him alone." "We'll just leave him alone, and" "You just don't get it, Maurice." "Sometimes Boy gets a little lonely." "He wanted to play with him." "Why doesn't he just play with himself?" "Why doesn't Boy play with himself?" "Yeah." "Come here." "No." "Don't get me upset, Snik." "You know what happens when I get upset." "That's it." "I'm upset." "What the hell is that?" "I don't know." "That's what happens when I get upset." "You know something?" "What?" "No." "I don't like you, Maurice." "You're always trying to be so funny." "Well, I got a little riddle for you." "OK." "What happens when boy doesn't get what he wants?" "I don't know." "I have a hunch." "Hunch?" "is that my hunch you're talking about, Maurice?" "Oh, no, no." "I take it back." "I take it" "Back?" "No." "Hunchback?" "You bring a kid in here?" "You tell him our secrets?" "My horn!" "if you can't get him, I will." "Mom!" "Brian!" "Wake up, wake up!" "Eric's gone." "Have you seen him?" "Do you know where he went?" "Gone?" "He's gone?" "!" "Look, Brian, if you know anything, tell me right now." "He's not in his room?" "No." "Do you think he went to see Daddy?" "He wouldn't do that, would he?" "No." "Todd's house." "Maybe he's there." "Come on, Toad." "Be awake." "All right." "Go away!" "Toad, come on." "I need you... and every spare flashlight you have in the house--now." "Leave me alone, Brian." "You're one of them." "Todd, listen to me." "They have Eric." "Who has Eric?" "The monsters." "They kidnapped him." "Kidnapped him?" "Which monsters?" "The little monsters." "Hi, Kiersten." "Brian, what's wrong?" "I know you're not gonna believe it... but I need some help on my science project." "is this some sort of prank?" "No, I'm serious." "I need your key to get into the supply room." "it's an emergency." "I need some lights." "Do you expect me to believe that?" "it defies every rule known to the scientific mind." "So you don't believe me?" "Well, watch this." "Holy shit!" "Amazing!" "I hope this works." "Oh, man, that'll get 'em." "That's like a howitzer or something." "You must know a lot about electricity to do that." "How come you get Fs in science?" "Let's go." "Yeah." "What are you doing?" "I'm setting my alarm for sunrise." "What the heck for?" "All right, when this goes off, we have three to five minutes." "if we're not out before the sun clears the horizon... we'll turn into monsters." "Monsters." "Monsters?" "You mean there's a chance we might not make it?" "Yeah, of course there's a chance." "I know where Eric is, but I'm not leaving until I have him." "Are you still in?" "You don't have to." "I'm in." "Eric's my best friend." "Come on, let's go." "Wait a minute." "Where are you going?" "You're not leaving without me." "in the name of science, I'm going." "OK." "Let's do it." "You can't get through without me." "Hold on." "Ready?" "I'm ready." "it's a parallel dimension." "Give me that!" "My knapsack!" "Lights!" "Lights!" "Lights!" "Lights!" "Lights!" "This way." "That's the master staircase." "it goes up to Boy's room." "Who's Boy?" "The guy who runs this place." "Stick with me." "I know the way." "Careful. it's a long way down." "Brian Stevenson." "The real boy wonder." "What a pleasure it is... to finally make your acquaintance." "Where's Eric?" "And you brought some little playmates along with you." "How nice." "Are they as tactful and fleet-footed as yourself?" "I daresay they don't look it." "I want my brother!" "Now, Brian, what sort of a greeting is that?" "After all, we are so much alike." "if you stay, you will be the one in charge of yourself." "Perhaps this whole world, in time." "You'll be the one with the power, the authority." "Not your parents, not your teachers-- you." "Now, Brian, isn't that what you want?" "I want Eric-- now!" "Brian." "Why such cruelty?" "You're a very unique individual, Brian." "Your feats are unprecedented here." "Why, I can scarcely remember the last time... one of our little breed had been trapped." "Not once, but numerous times." "Enough wind, loafer breath!" "Hand over the kid!" "Where is he?" "Let's see him!" "Very well." "Let's have the contestants take a look... behind curtain number one." "Brian?" "Brian." "Let's make a deal." "it's your wits and grace that I desire... not those of your pugnacious chum... or even your silly, mute little girlfriend." "I'll let them all go... and your brother... if you'll stay... and be my pal." "No deals." "Very well." "Eric!" "Let him go now!" "I'll give you ten seconds!" "Ten, nine, eight..." "Be sensible, Brian." "Why lose five lives when you can gain four?" "in an hour, you and your chums... will all be monsters, and then we can all play." "seven, six..." "Brian?" "five, four..." "Let's blow him away, Brian!" "Three!" "Let Eric go!" "Two, one!" "Hi!" "Are you looking for your brother?" "Well, we've got him!" "No!" "I hoped we could be friends, Brian... but evidently, you don't play fair." "Boy, I haven't even begun to play!" "Let go!" "Snik, show Brian to his room." "Bye-bye, Brian!" "Brian. it's you." "Todd, is Eric here?" "Nope." "Kiersten." "Maurice!" "What happened?" "What happened?" "Two inches lower and this bonehead... would be talkin' to my lawyer, buddy boy." "You know him?" "He's a monster." "Yeah, Todd, Kiersten, this is Maurice." "A monster?" "I have an idea." "We can generate light... by wiring pencils to the phone." "Yo, babe." "Light from pencils?" "And I'm the pope." "Just like a carbon lamp from a projector." "Done." "Todd, you crank." "Brian, you hold the pencils... and I'll slide the dirty laundry under the door." "Good idea." "Faster, Todd." "Go, Toad, go!" "Faster." "Go, Toad, go!" "Faster!" "I'm trying!" "if at first..." "Come on!" "you don't succeed, try, try... a light!" "OK, now open the door." "OK, Maurice, let us out." "Any of you freaks know how to pick a combination lock?" "Just jokin'!" "What are you doin' lyin' around?" "We got work to do, bud." "Where are you going?" "To get some more firepower." "Oh...you see..." "Let's go." "All right, let's do it." "Come on." "Keep it going." "Come on." "Oh, Ronnie?" "We'll need the sun lamps." "Oh, this is good." "Here we go!" "Say good night, Boy!" "Oh, shit!" "The beeps!" "We gotta get outta here!" "Eric's here somewhere." "I know it." "Come on!" "Wait till I get my hands on you." "I'm gonna kick your butt with this boot." "I gotta get it together." "I gotta get myself together!" "Kiersten, take the curtain." "You guys take the box." "I got it." "Right." "Nope." "Nothing in there." "Brian." "Brian..." "Brian." "Help us with this one, boys." "it's not budging." "Look, a crank, a crank." "it won't budge." "Eric!" "Eric!" "All right, man!" "Come on, let's get outta here!" "Let's get outta here!" "Oh, shit!" "How much time?" "Maybe a minute." "Great." "Coleman, you think you could take him?" "No way!" "Looks like there's no way out!" "Who is that guy?" "Hey, Snik." "How about a light, bud?" "Come on, let's go home!" "Don't step on me!" "Ding dong, the Snik is dead!" "Yeah!" "Brian." "Brian." "Wait." "Let's go." "Sit down." "What?" "Brian... sit down." "it's too late." "What's that supposed to mean?" "it means we've dissected our last frog." "We're stuck." "We're monsters." "Well, I can handle that." "Yeah." "Yeah, well, I can't." "Come on." "Follow me." "Well, where you goin', bud?" "West!" "Hey, Brian, wait up." "Yeah, right." "Hey, Brian, wait up!" "Come on, hurry!" "The sun's up in St. Louis, bud." "Oh, man!" "Phoenix!" "Phoenix!" "Where's Phoenix?" "Phoenix?" "That-a-way." "That-a-way." "Come on, kids." "Hey, bud." "Bet the sun's up, huh?" "I gotta quit smoking." "Try California!" "All right!" "Come on!" "You're goin' home!" "All right!" "Here we go." "Goin' home." "Goin' up!" "Yeah!" "We're goin' home." "You're goin' home." "Come on." "We're goin' home, guys." "Come on." "Radical, man." "Come on, yeah!" "Come on, Ronnie." "Oh, pardon me, sir." "Well... you're next." "Kinda wish I could stay." "You'd be a hero down here." "Maurice, my arm" "I mean, it turned to clothes last night." "Don't worry about that." "You'll sleep that off." "Nothing's permanent... unless you get trapped down here, bud." "But I suppose you gotta get up there... 'cause you're gonna get married pretty soon." "Married?" "To who?" "To light bulb." "Red." "Oh, Kiersten?" "No." "Just friends." "Friends." "Yeah." "Well..." "I guess that's what it's all about, huh?" "Yeah." "I guess." "You know what?" "You're the best friend I've ever had." "You're the ugliest friend I ever had." "Time to move on, bud." "I'm gonna miss you, Maurice." "I really am." "Let's go, Brian." "The sun's coming up." "There's no way I'm running to Hawaii." "Hang on." "Hang on." "Oh, no." "Maurice" "Oh, just relax." "I can get another one." "How else are you gonna remember me anyway?" "Come on, Brian, let's go." "Bye, Maurice." "Remember--where there's a bed, there's a way." "Come on, let's go!" "Come on, Brian!" "Brian!" "Let's go." "Come on!" "Hello?" "Mom!" "I've got Eric!" "it's Brian!" "it's Brian!" "He's found Eric!" "Are they all right?" "Are you all right?" "Yeah, we're fine." "They're all right." "Thank God." "Tell him I'm here." "Look, Dad's here." "Stay where you are." "He'll come pick you up." "Where are they?" "Where are you?" "Malibu." "They're in Malibu." "Malibu?" "Massachusetts?" "Where the hell's that?" "Where the hell is that?" "California." "California." "California?" "How the hell did they get there?" "What on earth are you doing there?" "it's kind of a long story."