"(Computer chimes) Hi, mom!" "(Singsongy) Happy spring forward!" "Did you change your clock?" "(Both) Only the microwave." "The rest change themselves!" "(Both laugh)" "Ready for some spring cleaning?" "Yes!" "Chloe actually got me some cleaning supplies." "Whoo!" "What'd you get?" ""Lady Evelyn's feminine wash."" "What's the picture on the box?" "Is that woman rowing a boat?" "Oh, God." "I gotta go." "What is that... (Gasps) Good Lord." "Why are you dressed like a mechanic?" "Why did you pick me up feminine wash?" "You said you needed cleaning supplies." "Okay, well, I'm off." "A man I can't name is flying me to a place I can't tell you about." "It's Paris!" "Wow, I gave that up easy." "Wait." "So part of spring cleaning is about reorganizing." "Remember when you were choking, and I saved you, and then you said I could have some shelf space?" "(Sighs) You can have that one, this one, this one, and this one." "(Mouths words)" "You can toss everything out, including the box of love letters from Jeff Goldblum." "I need closure." "(Door closes)" "(Jangling)" "I thought I'd donate some of my roommate's old stuff to the church rummage sale." "God loves a bargain." "Oh, thank you so much, June." "Times are tough. (Chuckles)" "And we can use all the help we... oh." "Love letters from a celebrity." "I had a famous suitor myself..." "Frederick Spitz." "The famous puppeteer." "His hand manipulated a muppet for 40 years..." "And me, for one magical night." "(Door unlocks)" "(Sighs)" "Clean house, clean mind." "It is tub time." "♪" "(Woman) ♪ you were navigating, I was calibrating ♪" "♪ you were validating all that I could be ♪" "♪ you were stipulating, I was complicating ♪" "♪ you insinuated we could all be free, free ♪" "♪ free, hee-hee-hee-hee" "♪ free, free, I..." "I miss my plane... (Gasps)" "No, I wasn't!" "This must be how moms feel on the first day of kindergarten." "Stand up." "Give me a hug." "(Katie Hampton) ♪ I'm not perfect, I'm no snitch ♪" "♪ but I can tell you" "(whispers) ♪ she's a..." "(Buzzer)" "♪ Ba-da-da-da-da-ba, ba-da-ba" "♪ ba-da-da-da-da-ba, ba-da-ba" "Corn dog, horndog?" "(Refrigerator door opens, bottles rattle)" "(Scoffs) I don't even know why you're here." "I thought you were leaving town." "The plane left without me, and I was even on time." "He said to be there at 11:00, and I got there at 11:30." "My little girl, learning to play the lady harp." "(Scoffs)" "So who was it?" "Who were you strumming to?" "Nope." "Nobody." "Nobody." "Soy latte guy." "He comes in every day, he orders a soy latte, and I can see his abs through his t-shirt." "(Yac-yan da biznessman's "good good" playing)" "♪" "♪ shorty got that what, what, shorty got that good, good ♪" "♪ shorty got that what, what, shorty got that good, good ♪" "♪ shorty got that what, what, shorty got that... ♪" "Do him." "I can't do him." "He's not relationship material." "He didn't know who Eleanor Roosevelt was." "He's an iPod D.J., and he thinks the moon is chasing him." "I can't marry a guy like that." "My kids will have bad genes." "You don't have to marry every guy you're attracted to." "Some guys are just for sex." "Maybe you feel that way, but I have to have feelings for a guy before I can sleep with him." "You do feel something." "Remember the tub, June?" "That was God talking directly to your body." "Just have casual sex with him." "It's great." "That's what I do." "It's how I clear my head and really figure things out." "(Gasps) "Lost" was purgatory." "(Gasps) Aioli is just mayonnaise!" "I left my Louboutins in the luggage room at the gansevoort!" "You had sex in my bedroom?" "!" "Yes, June, and you can, too." "I'll teach you." "You'll be my legacy." "Now I'll be known for two things... introducing you to casual sex and writing the final episode of "The Sopranos."" "♪" "(Door bells jingle) June." "Meet Valentina, my new partner on "Dancing With The Stars."" "Hi!" "I'm June... can I get a tall coffee with an extra shot?" "Uh, Valentina, June's not just the coffee lady." "Yeah, she can get you a scone or a tropical fruit cup." "Just the bathroom key, okay?" "And water for you." "Keep it tight." "Caliente." "Right?" "She's everything that dump truck Angie wasn't." "She's young." "She's got 0% body fat." "And she's got one passion..." "the dance." "(Door opens, bells jingle) We're gonna beat the hell out of Dean Cain." "That's great, James." "Water's over there. (Cup clatters)" "Hmm." "That's going on a comment card." "You can't just throw things, June." "I mean, Ellen can because she has a medical condition called a myoclonic jerk." "Whoop!" "(Stirrers clatter)" "Whatever you need to do, Ellen!" "Not freaked out if you're not." "(Whispers) Be supportive." "(Ellen) Whoop!" "(Stirrers clatter)" "(Thinking) June, you need a killer pick-up line." "Look down at his hands and then ask him if he plays guitar." "Can I get a soy latte?" "Do you play the guitar?" "Nonfat soy latte." "Did you hear what I just said?" "Wait." "Did you just ask me if I play the guitar?" "Yeah." "I don't know why I said that." "My roommate said it would be a good... you think I look like a rock star?" "'Cause I feel like I look like a rock star." "(Chuckles)" "Wanna get a drink sometime?" "Yeah." "Yeah." "Uh, yes." "I... okay." "Yeah, sure." "I'm Charles." "Hi." "I'm June." "I've..." "I've been referring to you as the, uh, soy latte guy." "(Both laugh)" "Why?" "Because, uh, I didn't know your name, and you always order a soy latte?" "(Door bells jingle) Duh!" "Oh, God." "Right." "Right." "Ugh." "Should have gotten that one. (Chuckles)" "Oh, man. (Chuckles)" "♪ Shorty got that what, what, shorty got that good, good ♪" "♪ shorty got that what, what, shorty... ♪" "So I used your line, and he said," ""Do you wanna have drinks sometime?" And I said yes." "(Gasps) That's great!" "(Laughs)" "But just remember." "It's not a date." "It's casual sex." "Yeah." "Yeah, it's just..." "It's been so long, and I've only ever done it with Steven, and what if they do it different in New York, or what if I'm bad at it?" "I hear what you're sayin'." "You wanna see my sex tape." "Uh, what?" "Yeah, James and I made it, like, five years ago when we dated briefly." "I'm surprised it's taken me this long to show it to you." "I usually whip it out at parties." "Let me see." "Where are my DVDs?" "It was right here." "It was in the "Rain Man" case." "Oh, God." "I am so sorry for barging in on you like this, pastor Jin." "I know you're very busy... wh-what happened..." "what happened to your nose?" "Oh, I got a nose job." "So, um, do you remember that box of items that I gave you?" "It was all my roommate's old stuff?" "We need it back." "Not all of it." "Just "rain man."" "Oh, I can give you everything back except "Rain Man." What?" "Why?" ""Rain Man" is my favorite movie." "I tried to watch your copy, but I did not see Dustin Hoffman humorously calling for Judge Wapner." "I am so sorry about that." "I wasn't." "You taught me some things" "I'm going to try on Mr. pastor Jin." "Anyway, I sold it for 10 grand, pimped out my office, and streamlined my nose." "(Both) You sold it?" "!" "Wine?" "Chicken?" "Look, that video of me getting rammed by my best friend means the world to me." "Who did you sell it to?" "(Tango music playing) Now work those judges." "Now work the camera." "Give me the face." "Work the judge... no!" "Buddy, no!" "What are your hips doin', huh"" "yes!" "Damn it, push me!" "(Cell phone rings)" "(Sighs)" "(Ring, beep) Hello?" "(Man) James Van Der Beek?" "Yes." "Ron Roberts from Visage Video." "I'm watching you have sex right now, and soon American will be, too." "(Door slams)" "Visage Video got a copy of our sex tape." "Oh, no." "How did that happen?" "I don't know!" "You tell me." "There are only two copies in existence, and I have mine." "June did it." "I'm sorry, James!" "June?" "She cleaned our house because it's spring or something, and then she sold all my stuff to her cult leader so she could fix her face." "Well, Ron Roberts says I can either get on board or spend a fortune trying to stop it." "Either way, it's coming out." "I'm on my way to see my advisor right now." "Ugh." "Luther?" "No, I can't talk to Luther about this stuff." "Straight sex makes him nauseous." "It's somebody who can really see the big picture." "James, everybody has a love video." "Colin Farrell's is dynamic." "He's a dynamic, sexy, bald beast." "Yeah, but isn't this gonna hurt me on "Dancing With The Stars"?" "Hurt you?" "Every woman in America is gonna watch you dancing and think about where your hips have been and vote for you." "So should I play ball with Visage?" "James, as a mother," "I can't tell you to release that tape." "But as a connoisseur of modern pop culture," "I can't tell you not to." "Just make sure..." "You're a sexy beast." "(Crunches)" "I think I'm a sexy beast." "(Irish jig playing)" "(Both laughing)" "I like your green hats." "It was St. Patrick's day '07." "Yeah, I know." "I was Chloe's roommate back then, remember?" "I was waiting for you guys at Nifty O'Shannigans?" "This drunk Irish guy threw my purse into the street." "Oh!" "Dear Lord!" "Oh." "Oh, I share your disgust, June." "(Door closes)" "Sex tapes give porn a dirty name." "I mean, porn is a craft." "It takes real skill." "What, you think I can go pick up a blowtorch and turn on a camera, and all of a sudden, I'm a welder?" "(Smack)" "(Exhales deeply)" "What's she doing here?" "Oh." "Robin is America." "I'm using her ethnically ambiguous eyes as a demographic-straddling focus group." "So..." "(Claps hands)" "What's the verdict so far?" "Well, why do you keep doing this?" "(Smacks lips)" "See?" "Hmm." "What's that?" "(Smacks lips)" "What is that?" "Where are you going?" "I'm gonna go change for my date." "This is not a date." "No special effort." "Wear exactly what you wore today." "Well, at least let me go get my purse." "You've got the only purse you need." "My pants were on the floor." "I didn't have access to my chapstick." "Remember, keep it casual and act disinterested." "See what I'm doing right there?" "Do that." "Are you sure you're okay with this coming out?" "It's just sex, June." "It's no big deal." "Now remember, go up for a nightcap." "Don't stay over." "If he asks for your phone number, give him... this." "It's Kelly Osbourne's, and it's never not funny." "(James) That's not what I should be using my tongue for." "(Siren wailing in distance)" "Well, here it is." "I told you it wasn't much." "(Door closes)" "(Squawks) Aah!" "Kill it!" "June, this is Judy." "Say hi, Judy." "(Squawks) Hi, Judy." "Sorry." "I saw it coming out of the corner of my eye, and I thought it was a clawed rainbow." "Judy was my grandpa's." "He died last year, and I got Judy in his will." "(Squawks) And the moon rocks." "(Thinking) Ugh." "Again with the moon rocks?" "You know, I think I'm actually gonna head out." "I'm kinda tired, so..." "So hot in here." "You hot?" "♪ Shorty got that what, what, shorty got that good, good ♪" "♪ shorty got that what, what, shorty got that good, good ♪" "♪ shorty got that what, what" "I did it, I did it, I did it, I did it, I did it, I did it, and I think I did it pretty good if I do say so myself." "(Giggles)" "You're not complaining, are you, sweet stuff?" "(Giggles)" "(Chloe's voice) June, now remember, don't stay over." "(Thinking) I'll leave him a note." "(Chloe's voice) Put down the pen and leave!" "(Whispering) Thank you very much." "(Squawks) Hi, Judy." "(Horns honk)" "(Door opens)" "I went to Versailles!" "I had casual sex!" "(Door closes)" "Yay!" "Good for you." "How was it?" "You didn't get married, did you?" "(Bag thuds)" "No." "It was great!" "You were right." "It was so different from anything" "I ever felt with Steven." "I mean, I can breathe." "I'm not obsessing over him." "I like him, but I'm not constantly wondering what he's doing all day." "You see these?" "Tears of joy." "I haven't cried since I was 10 and my mom wouldn't take me to see "Pulp Fiction."" "(Cell phone alert chimes) Ooh!" "Ooh, it's Charles." "Hmm?" "Oh. "Come over now." "I need you."" "Aw, yeah!" "(Singsongy) Booty text!" "Get out of here, you little slut." "I love you." "I got you something." "It's a casual sex kit." "There is makeup remover, cab fare, energy bar, instant coffee, tweezers, tampons, pepper spray, a short article, and pictures of me." "For the casual sex-er!" "I'm a casual sex-er!" "(Squeals)" "(Siren wailing in distance)" "(Breathy voice) Hey, love muffin." "Mama wants a... (voice breaking) Judy flew away!" "(Sobbing) Judy the... bird?" "(Sniffles) It was hot again this morning, and I accidentally left the window open." "(Hyperventilating) I'm sorry..." "To... bother you." "I just needed to talk to someone." "(Continues sobbing)" "I'm, uh, really sorry that this sounds cold, but..." "We're... we're casual, so, um, maybe there's somebody that you can call that you know a little better?" "(Voice breaking) Okay, bye." "Okay." "(Door creaks)" "(Sobbing)" "I know exactly how you feel." "My dog Cuddles ran away when I was 7, and I cried for a week." "It feels like I could cry for a year." "(Continues sobbing) Oh!" "Grandpa!" "Oh." "Oh." "Oh." "Oh." "(Sighs) Okay, fine." "This is what we're doing." "Oh, God." "No." "Oh, it hurts." "(Moans)" "Oh, God." "(Door slams)" "Have you ever been with someone who cries a lot?" "No, but Jennifer has." "She likes it when I cry so hard, my whole body heaves." "Why?" "Um, this guy I'm seeing..." "well, not really seeing." "He... he's not my boyfriend." "We've just been having casual sex." "I barely know him." "Well, as long as you barely know him." "(Dishes clatter)" "(Door bells jingle) Oh!" "Well, hello." "Where have you been?" "I haven't seen you for three days." "I haven't seen you either." "You haven't been home at all." "I've been home this entire time." "No, I haven't." "But Robin has, and she told me everything." "June hasn't been home for three days!" "Did she die?" "If she died, can I move back in with you?" "I can get out of my lease, or my friend Todd can take it over." "It doesn't matter." "I just wanna be back in the winner's circle." "Well, Robin's lying." "I've been... sorry about your boyfriend's bird, June. (Gasps)" "But no propaganda in the bathroom." "I knew it!" "You need to break up with him immediately." "I am ending it." "I've already begun him on a 5-step program to break things off." "I am sending him texts by not putting any X's or O's." "And I will smash every single of them until you break up with him." "Bird boy was supposed to be one stop on a world tour." "You don't play Birmingham twice, June." "You're right." "I'll end it." "I promise." "(Telephone rings)" "(Clatter) Chloe, that was a customer!" "We're all trying to help you." "This matches my outfit." "So Luther talked to my P.R. team." "They're thrilled about the sex tape." "Yay!" "Yeah." "It's gonna be tons of free press." "Hey!" "Turns out publicists are behind 85% of all celebrity sex tape leakage." "Really?" "So I talked to Visage about making some trims, especially the lip licking." "That's the whole middle part." "I know." "They won't let me trim a second, but they will allow me to do some reshoots, which means I'm gonna need you to have sex with me again." "No way." "I have a scorched earth policy, James." "You know that." "Come on." "I look like a serial killer, licking my lips every five seconds." "America's not gonna think I'm a sexy beast, and they're not gonna vote for me on "D.W.T.S."" "Come on." "(Sighs) Fine, but I have to be really drunk." "That'll be perfect for continuity." "Thanks for lunch." "Yep." "(Door opens)" "I'm sorry." "I thought it was Judy." "When I saw that bird smashed in the street..." "It was pigeons." "They were all pigeons." "Oh." "We ran up to four dead pigeons." "(Switch clicks)" "Weak sauce, June." "You're playing Birmingham again." "She's dumping you." "It's over." "Honey?" "Is this true?" "No, it's just... oh, really, "honey"?" "Because I record all conversations for legal and personal reasons that have nothing to do with my relationship with the French president Nicolas Sarkozy, who is not the man I'm dating who has a plane." "(Beep) (Man) Excusez, Chloe... (beep) Ooh." "Heh." "Sorry." "Wrong conversation." "(Beeps, rewinding)" "(June) You're right." "I'll end it." "I promise." "(Beep)" "Oh, God." "I..." "I thought I hit rock bottom when Judy left, and I did, but this is rock bottom-er." "Judy would have loved that." "(Door closes) How could you do that?" "!" "How could you not do that?" "I was letting him down easy!" "He was a real person with real feelings!" "Ugh!" "You are the worst protege." "Look, I can't do this whole casual sex thing." "I tried." "But I get too attached." "I can't be like you." "My lady harp has feelings!" "Why do you have to make things so complicated when it could be just sex?" "Because sex is complicated!" "You've never had feelings for somebody you've slept with?" ""Slept with"?" "Honey, if you're falling asleep, he's obviously doing something wrong." "Ugh!" "(Horns honk)" "(Irish jig playing)" "Ahh." "(Laughs)" "This really takes you back, doesn't it?" "I love St. Patrick's day." "You get to puke on the street, and people applaud you for it." "All right." "So..." "We're gonna take it from, uh, minute nine." "You've just broken the kazoo." "You had your hands around my neck, and we were kissing." "(Beeps)" "Okay." "All right." "Okay." "My hat look good?" "Yep." "Okay." "Okay." "(Squeals and giggles)" "What?" "Sorry, sorry." "What?" "(Exhales deeply) Sorry." "Nothing." "Okay." "Ready?" "All right." "Okay." "(Laughing) (Laughing) What?" "I just thought of something." "Fat lady falling?" "(Laughs) No, no, but that's good." "(Continues laughing) Okay, okay, stop it." "We have work to do." "Okay." "All right." "Ready?" "Yes." "Okay, how's this?" "Am I hurting you?" "No, that's fine." "Oh, my God." ""Am I hurting you?"" "What?" "I-I care about your comfort." "That's why this is so weird." "I care about you." "This wasn't like this five years ago." "No, it wasn't." "I mean, five years ago, you could've died, and I wouldn't have cared." "I would have stolen your camera and your stupid gold skull ring with the ruby eyes." "I'm so glad you don't wear that anymore." "That stupid ring was so bad." "I feel like we're going off on a tangent." "I am!" "It was a bad ring." "But the point is," "I can't have sex with you because I care about you." "June has ruined me with all of her stupid talk about feelings." "Yeah, who am I kidding?" "I care about you, too." "(Hats clatter)" "You know... (Sighs) I'll just call Visage, and I'll tell 'em..." "Release the video as is." "If I'm a lip licker, then I'm a lip licker." "Five years ago, I would have stolen this." "And now I'm telling you I'm taking it." "I'm wrecked." "♪" "June!" "Guess what!" "I finally know what you're talking about!" "Feelings ruin everything." "That's not exactly what I meant... it turns out I care about James too much to make a porno with him." "Wow." "That is so your version of human." "Yeah, and then I started thinking about you and bird boy, and I kinda feel responsible for that whole thing, so..." "Judy!" "(Squawks)" "Chloe found her." "Check it out." "Judy, what were grandpa's last words?" "(Squawks) "It was the tuna."" "Ugh, that's disgusting." "How did you find her?" "Well, after the whole James debacle," "I had to make sure I wasn't completely broken, so I took home the first random guy I could find, and that's when I figured it out." "Parrots that escape their cages tend to nest in trees within 25 feet." "So I yelled "Judy!" Outside of Charles' apartment for, like, ten minutes, and all these old Jewish ladies came up to me, then finally this stupid bird." "You did a nice thing." "Yeah, well, I told all those old ladies" "I was their granddaughter, and I needed 50 bucks, so now I'm going shopping." "Bye!" "(Chuckles)" "So... now that Judy's back, I guess we shouldn't..." "Yeah, we shouldn't." "I'll still come in for my soy lattes." "And I'll see you in the tub. (Giggles)" "Guess your boyfriend found his bird." "He's not my boyfriend." "Well, that's good..." "Because he has a bird." "Judy wanted to go this way." "(Squawks)" "(Door slams)" "Oh, James." "Prince Harry stole your headline." "It's on the cover of every tabloid in the checkout line." "It's all my church group can talk about." "Oh." "I'm so sorry, James." "I can't believe I was upstaged." "It's like Katrina all over again." "My cologne "Love Hurricane"" "was supposed to come out that morning." "Oh, that's a shame." "Do you think you could release it now?" "Do you think it's been long enough?" "Probably not." "I mean, New Orleans is back, but the gulf states are still suffering." "You know what's delicious?" "Jambalaya." "Yeah." "Yeah."