"Cut his ass." "Go!" "Now let's go!" "Heads up!" "Take him down!" "That's it, that's it!" " Hey, Coach, how you been?" " Lynn Swann." "Now why ain't I surprised... to see you snooping' around my football field first day of practice?" "Well, that's because you got a good-lookin' football team." "Maybe good enough to add another national championship trophy to the old case downstairs." "That's kinda like my old man told me one time, Lynn." ""The only thing better than a crawfish dinner is five crawfish dinners."" "Hey, here comes the shithead." "It's clean." "It's cold." "Now that's what I call high-quality H2O." "Oh!" "Ooh!" "Right in the head!" "It's over there!" "Any unused magic in that legendary green playbook of yours, Red?" "I may have a couple squirrelled away in there... for a rainy day." "See what we got here." "Not exactly what I'd call constructive criticism." " Smell like you could use a shower, stinky." " Oh!" "Listen, you-you could think what you want a-about my personal hygiene, but, please, don't-don't waste any water." "That-That's bad policy." "If you need to amuse yourself at my expense, just-just rough me up or something." "Fair enough." "Laski, get over here!" "Yes, sir, Coach?" "What is that moron doin' here?" "Huh, huh?" "Didn't I tell you as plain as I could speak to get rid of his ass last year?" "Yes, sir, but I didn't think you were serious, Coach." "Besides, he does a great job." "Disrupting my football team, you idiot?" "Eighteen years of this is enough!" "Hey, Waterboy!" "Yes, Mr. Coach Beaulieu!" "You're fired!" "Okay." "Get out of the way, you moron!" "Oh." "Bobby Boucher, come give your mama a kiss." "Hi, Steve." "Oh." "Why you home so early, my precious angel?" "Mama, s-somethin' bad happened today." "Somebody hurt you, my boy?" "Who hurt you?" "You tell Mama who hurt you." "Nobody, Mama." "It's just that..." "I lost my position as the team's water distribution engineer." "Why, that's the best news I heard in a dog's age." "Now you be able to spend your days at home where you belong." "Yes, but..." "I-I was..." "I was thinkin', Mama, maybe I-I could..." "I could try to-to get another waterboy job for-for a different team." "Don't you raise your voice to me, Bobby Boucher." "I-I wasn't raising my voice, Mama." "I don't like confrontation 'cause I'm a Virgo." "Who told you you was a Virgo?" "Vicki Vallencourt, that-that-that-that girl." "A girl?" "Bobby Boucher!" "Don't you remember what your mama told you about girls?" "I remember, Mama." "A girl was so nice out at Wasser's Creek this morning." " Really?" " We looked for crawfish together." "Her's name's Vicki." "I don't ever want you associating' with little girls." " Why not, Mama?" " Because little girls are the devil!" "Mama, it-it's just that I'm a waterboy." "The team gets thirsty, and I bring them the water." "They-They need the water, and I likes to be the one that brings it to them." "Yeah." "They like to give you a boot in the patoot for all your trouble." "Bobby, you don't have what they call "the social skills."" "People don't understand you." "That's why you never have any friends, except for your mama." "All I know is this, Jimmy:" "Next Friday, August 29, at the Baton Rouge Exposition Center," "I'm gonna open a can of whoop-ass on Herculon, and I'm gonna drive him back into whatever galaxy it is he came from." "And that's a promise!" "Strong words from a strong man, Captain Insano." "Now let's take a call." "It's our old friend from Jackson's Bayou, Mr. B." "Hello, Jim." "l-ls it possible to speak to Captain Insano?" " Shoot, Mr. B." " Captain Insano," "I notice sometimes when you are wrestling... or-or opening' up a can of whoop-ass, as you like to say..." " you seem to be sweating quite profusely." " Yeah?" "I was wondering if, perhaps, you might need... the services of an experienced waterboy." "That's pretty cute." "How old are you, kid?" "Eleven, twelve?" "I-I am 31 years old." "I guarantee, that guy's still a virgin." "Oh!" "Oh, my God!" "This is where they strip the ball from us." "And then we miss one tackle." "There, two tackles." "Joey drops the ball." "Whoops, he has time to pick it up and dust it off and run in for a touchdown... before our guys even know what's goin' on." " Hello?" " My name is Bobby Boucher." "And I am inquiring as to whether you have the need for an experienced waterboy... on your upcoming season." "Nice suit." "Thank you." "l-l-l-lt was my daddy's." " Hold that thought." " Yeah." "Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh." "Come on." "Come here." "Come here." "Come on." "Come on, everybody." " All right, this is it." "This is the play." " Okay." "This is the play." "This is the play." "Okay?" "The quarterback." "Two receivers lined up to the left, one to the right." "There's a flanker lined up to the left behind the quarterback." " Oh, okay." " He gives the ball..." "No, he doesn't get the ball." "The receiver goes all the way over there to the left." "Once the quarterback has the ball, he fakes to the left." "No." "He fakes to the right." "He doesn't fake." "He thinks about faking." "He pretends to fake." "I don't know where I am." "I can't breathe." "Or, this room is getting smaller." "I have to sit down." "Hang on here." "Take some water." "All right, there." "This is good." "This is much better than what I serve." " That is the water that you serve to your players?" " Uh-huh." "It is imperative that you allow me to be your waterboy." "I can't hire you." "I can't hire anybody with the..." "You do not have to... have to pay me." "I-I will do it for free." "Just promise me that you will never distribute the contents of that jug to any human person." " That's a deal." " It's a deal?" "Thank you so-so much, Coach Klein." "I..." "I will not let you down." " Good day." " Good day." "I-I-I'll see you at practice." "Quit hogging' that." "Pass it over." "Okay." "Just have the defense run sprints." "Yo!" "Water's better cold." "Yes, I agree, but to guarantee that the H2O is-is purified, i-it's good to use the heating source, Sterno." "It's like my mama always says, "Better safe than-than sorry."" "My mama says that too." "Aren't all mamas the same?" " Yes." " Derek." "I kick the field goals around here." "Will you listen up?" "I need your cooperation." "I need it now." "Is he gonna be-be all right?" "Yeah." "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "He has his good days and his bad days." "Used to be an assistant coach at some big football school, but he had a mental breakdown or something." "Don't worry." "He'll snap out of it." " Let me know when it cools down, baby." "All right." " Yes." "Hey, did you all get a load of the new waterboy?" "Let's make him feel right at home." "Jerry, go right." "Casey, go left." "Way left." " On one." "Ready?" " Break!" "Set!" "Red, 22!" "Red, 22!" "Hut!" "l-I-I-I think you zigged when you should've zagged on that play." " Sorry." " Hey, Waterboy, check this out." "Hey, Waterboy!" "Check this out." "Yes." "Well, my, my, my." "Was my little aquatic engineer about to bash one of my football players?" "Well, he spit in the c-c-cooler." "He happens to be a finely tuned athletic machine." "And I ain't gonna have him hit in the head by some idiot waterboy." "Do you understand me?" " Are you all right?" " What?" "I wasn't gonna do nothin', Coach." "Well, you better do something." "You gotta defend yourself here, Bobby." "But they're-they're-they're finely tuned athletic machines." "I am not telling you to go on a shooting rampage." "But you have to stand up for yourself, or they're gonna ride you all season long." "Believe me, I've seen it myself." "Hey, moron!" "Hey!" "Moron!" "Duh!" "L-Look at me." "I'm the w-w-waterboy." "Duh!" "I got a wooden spoon." "Duh!" "Smell like you could use a shower, stinky." "You're fired!" "Stop makin' fun of me." "Red, ready!" "Hut!" " Wow!" " Damn!" "I'm sorry." "Who that?" "Who there?" "So that's what opening' up a can of whoop-ass feels like." "Son, you just opened a whole case of whoop-ass." "I would be honored if you play football for this team." " Me?" "Play football?" " Yes." "Thanks, but no thanks." "My mama won't let me play no football." "We're gonna go home." "You and I, we're gonna talk to Mama." "M-Mama said..." "M-Mama said..." "My mama said..." "Mama said..." " My mama said..." "My mama say that..." " She's gonna say yes." "Mmm, that snake looks delicious." "What part do you think I'm about to eat?" "Uh, basically a snake don't have parts." "But, uh, if I had to call it anything," "I would say it's his knee." "Great." "His knee." "And what are we having for dessert?" "Squirrel." "Excellent." "Let's talk about Bobby playing football." "I don't like it, Mr. Coach Klein." "I don't like it one bit." "You see, my boy is too delicate to be playin' "fool's ball"... or whatever you call it..." "with them gargantuans." "I don't think you understand, Mrs. Boucher." "No, you don't understand me, Mr. Coach Klein." "My boy is all I got left." "Ow!" "Mama, here." "It's the brain pain, Coach." "You see, my husband Robert, one day back in 1966, pick up sticks, and me four months pregnant with this precious angel." "He decides he wants to go and help the foreign peoples." "He's gonna go and join the peace corps." "And he promise me that everything's gonna be okay." "Just like you promising' me now." "But everything wasn't okay." "No." "He got lost in the middle of the Sahara Desert." "And he died." "He died!" " Couldn't get no water, Coach." "He died of the dehydration." " And we were left all alone." "I would've gotten my daddy some water, but I was just a little baby inside Mama's stomach." "And now you wanna take away the only part of my Robert I have left." "But don't you want the only part you've got left to get a college education?" " Nah." " Me, a college student?" "Yes." "Bobby, think about it." "A whole new world will open to you." "Boy, Mama, that-that-that sounds nice." "Me-Me, a college man." "Coach, my Bobby's a sweet boy, but he ain't exactly what you'd call "college material,"" "so don't you go filling' his simple head with all those crazy dreams... of school and college and things of that sort." "But Mama, I-I'm tired of everybody calling' me a dummy." "I'm-I'm tired of not havin' any friends." "And my ass is tired sitting' here jawin' all night." "I'm goin' to bed." "Nice to meet you, Mr. Coach." "Good luck with your fool's ball." "Bobby, after you let Mr. Coach out, you come into my bedroom." "Mama'll brush your hair." "You know, when I was your age, my mother told me not to get a tattoo..." "of Roy Orbison." "But what Mama don't know won't hurt her." "I trust you'll make the right decision." "Damn, I don't want that ass on the team." "Everybody's gonna laugh at us." "Everybody's already laughing' at us." "We ain't won a game since 1994." " Hey!" "What's up, baby?" " Hey." " Where's your helmet?" " Derek Wallace, they-they don't got no more helmets." "Here." "You can share mine." "Try it on, man." "See if it fits." " All right." " Thanks, friend." "What a dink." "Come on!" "Huddle up!" "All right, we have an announcement to make." "Our former waterboy, Bobby Boucher, is gonna play some linebacker for us." "Ooh, I'm a f-f-football player." " Coach, I'd like to tackle him right now, please." " Not yet." "All right, now I wanna work with the offense." "I wanna work with the defense." " Special teams, go with Farmer Fran, do some laps." " Shit." "Line up on the ball." " Let's go." " All right?" "Third and ten." "Third and ten?" "Yeah, you know, that's the offense's last opportunity... to gain ten yards before they have to punt." "Gee, he's gonna run the option." "Option?" "He ain't never gonna be able to figure this out, Coach." "Yes, he is." "Now, Bobby, you've waterboyed for 18 years." "Didn't you occasionally watch the game?" "Oh, I had a lot to k-keep me busy." " Checking the pH levels, refilling' the cups." " All right." "Well, then let's just keep it simple." "Casey." "I want you to tackle Casey... like you did Gee yesterday." " Right now?" " Right now!" "Go!" " Does he know about this?" " Doesn't matter." "You're a warrior." "Go." "Boy, what you doin'?" "All right." "Bobby, Bobby." "Don't be afraid to use all of your strength, you know?" "He's resilient." "He's a resilient guy." "Okay?" "Come on." "Hey, Casey, I think he wanna make out with you." "Okay, that's enough." "Thank you." "Is there any sport that you do watch?" "You know, a physical sport?" " Boxing?" "Hockey?" " Wrestling." "Wrestling!" "Wrestling is good." "Who's your favorite wrestler?" "Well, even though he was slightly discourteous to me recently," "I'm gonna have to say Captain Insano." "Okay, okay, I want you to do to Casey... what Captain Insano does to the bad guy." "Go." "Ow!" "Ow!" " He poked me in the eye." " Captain Insano shows no mercy." "Bobby, where was the intensity that I saw yesterday?" "That was no intensity." "You said it was all right to fight back, and I-I just started thinkin' about all the people who-who'd been mean to me over the years." "That's it." "That's it." "I want you to think about all those mean people." " They're gonna be your tackling fuel." " Tacklin' fuel." " We're gonna use them to play football." " Tacklin' fuel." "I want you to pretend that Casey..." " is insulting you." " Pretend?" "I want you to visualize all those people that have been mean to you." "And then I want you to attack." "I want you to visualize and then attack." " Can you handle that?" " I'll try." "He's gonna try." "What's the matter with you, boy?" "You too s-s-stupid... to do what your coach tells ya?" "No!" "No what?" "I didn't mean to hurt you." "Coach told me to pretend." "Bobby." "Bobby!" "Can you do this for me every single game?" "Can you do this?" "Coach, not only will I do it for you." "l-l-l..." "Yes, yes, I'll do it for ya." "So, uh, why you pick this class anyway?" "It's pretty hard." "Oh, beautiful view." "Correct." "All right, all right!" "Y'all shut up now!" "Now, last week, we talked about... the physiology of the animal brain... as it pertains to aggression." "Now is there anyone here that can tell me why... most alligators are abnormally aggressive?" " I know the answer to this question." " Raise your hand." "Anybody?" "Anyone?" "Yes, sir." "You, sir." "Mama says that alligators are ornery... 'cause they got all them teeth but no toothbrush." "Yo mama said, alligators are ornery 'cause they got all them teeth... and no toothbrush." "Wow!" "Anybody else?" "Yes, sir." "You, sir." "Alligators are aggressive because of an enlarged medulla oblongata." "It's the sector of the brain which controls aggressive behavior." " That is correct!" "The medulla oblongata." " But Mama said..." "The medulla oblongata... is where anger, jealousy and aggression come from." "Now, is there anybody here can tell me where happiness comes from?" " No, man." " Anyone?" "All right, let's hear what Mama has to say on the subject." "Mama say that happiness is from magic rays of sunshine that come down when you feelin' blue." "Well, folks, Mama's wrong again." "No, Colonel Sanders, you're wrong." " Ooh!" " Mama's right." "You're all wrong." "Mama's right." "Mama's right!" "Somethin' wrong with his medulla oblongata." "It's okay to fight back." "Coach Klein said I could." "Mr. Coach Klein said I could." "It's fine, fellas." "Well, Mud Dog fans, it's time to kick off... another year of Mud Dog football." "With the weight of a 40-game losing streak on their back, everyone seems to be diggin' in for the long haul." "What you doin', Bobby?" "Oh, Lord, that-that-that's some heavy-duty armpit saturation." "That's an early warning sign of the dehydration." "You gots to have H2O." " Please, for me." " Look, you need to stop worryin' about water, baby, and start worryin' about the game today, okay?" "Here." "Now, just do whatever you did to Colonel Sanders, and you'll be fine." "I-I will, thank you." "I-I-I just..." "I feel bad about lying' to my mama." "I wonder what she's doin' right now." "And he's down with a three-yard kickoff return." " The Mud Dogs offense takes the field." " Okay, come on, here we go." "Come on, everybody." "You can do it." "Gain some yards." "Put some points on the board." "Hey, Walter, I'll bet you 50 bucks..." "Gee Grenouille throws a touchdown pass on the first play." "Check it out." "Set, fool, 22, hut!" "You owe me 50 bucks." " You said it was gonna be a touchdown pass, you crazy asshole." " Go, go, go, go!" "Hold 'em, hold 'em, hold 'em." "Okay, you can do it." "Come on." "Bobby, Bobby, this is just like we practiced, okay?" "Okay, go, go, go." "Come on." "Watch where you're going, needle dick." "Set!" "390!" "Time for retard to find out what college football's all about." "390!" "Check, check." "Red, 18!" "Red, 18!" "Needle dick!" "Needle dick!" "Needle dick!" "Yeah!" "Your name is needle dick." "I knew that this was a good idea." "Yes!" " Time-out from the game." " What's he calling time-out for?" " Man, what are you doin'?" " Here, this is for you." "Enjoy." "Hey, Waterboy, you're fired!" " Stop it!" "Yes!" "Bobby!" " Ooh-la-la." "Yeah, man!" "Yeah!" " Yeah, yeah!" " Slap hands!" " Whatever." "Waterboy's killin' 'em." "He's the best tackler I've seen since Joe Montana." "Joe Montana was a quarterback, you idiot." "I said, "Joe Mantegna."" "We're tied at seven with 30 seconds to go in the fourth quarter." "Eagle cover two." "Eagle cover two." "Ready?" "Best of luck to you on-on-on the upcoming play." " I'll be playin' with your mama tonight." " Sixty-two." " Move, 22, hut!" " Bernard drops back." "Looks like a screen pass." "Sixty-two!" "Sixty-two!" "There you are!" "Thank you." "Number 62 is headed for the end zone." "He's at the 40, the 30." "He's almost..." "Man!" "Touchdown!" "Reds lead." "Dropkick." "Looks like Boucher knocked him out cold." "I love my mama very much." "Now you know that." "The waterboy handed them the game." "What an idiot." "Waterboy, you stink!" "Nice job, shithead." "You just lost us the game." "I'm sorry." "Would you please still be my friend?" "No!" "Get away from me." "Okay." "Excuse me?" "May I help you?" "Hey, stud." "Vicki Vallencourt, this is..." "this is quite a pleasant surprise." "Yeah, well, I just got out of jail, and I heard you were playin' football." "Yes, well, I-I-I've..." "Yes." "So, let's say we go and get somethin' to eat, catch up on things." "Oh, uh..." "Mama's not a-a-a big fan of restaurants... or of-of me going to one." "But if-if you'd like, sometimes," "Mama, she, uh... she like to..." "on a Sunday afternoon..." "There-There's a-a-a grill with the charcoal b-biscuits." " You want me to come to a barbecue?" " Yes, that's it." "Sounds great." "And by the way, I hope you like what I did to y'all lawn mower." "You know that old hag that does astrology on Good Morning America, she really ought to pack it in." "Listen what she said for Sagittarius." "She goes:" ""You're gonna be faced with a difficult decision today."" "But the thing is-is-is, we're all faced with difficult decisions every day." " That's like sayin' you're gonna eat today." " Yeah, m-maybe... by leaving her predictions vague and generalized, there's less of a chance of someone finding' out she's a phony." "Whatever, college boy." " Don't say college boy." "Here comes Mama." " Oh, okay." "That looks nice, Mama." " Mmm, here you go, Vicki Vallencourt." " Thank you." "Mama, Vicki's an astrologist." "I don't believe in that sort of thing, personally." "Astronomy is one of the many tools of the devil." "You sure played great yesterday, Bobby." " What did my boy play great?" " Uh, um..." "Waterboy." "Yeah, waterboy." "He played..." "He played waterboy great." "Everybody who was thirsty got a drink right away... yesterday at the..." "at the football game." "Fool's ball!" "Bunch of overgrown monsters manhandling each other." "Remember when that man wanted you to play fool's ball, Bobby?" "Yeah, I..." "He..." "Roy Orbison..." "Coach Klein." "I-I-I remember." "So, Bobby, did they ever catch that gorilla... what escaped from the zoo and punched you in the eye?" "No, Mama, he..." "The-The search continues." "What would you think if Bobby did play football, Mrs. Boucher?" "Well, I wouldn't think much of it at all." "And to tell you the truth, I don't think much of you... and all your snotty questions, Miss Vallencourt." "I'm quite disturbed to see that you're so interested in my boy." "I'm very, very interested in your boy, Mrs. Boucher." " Really?" " Mm." "Well, did he tell you about how much his feet smell?" " Mama." " He has to wear two pair of socks." "Well, men are supposed to have stinky feet." "Well, are men supposed to wear pajamas... featuring a cartoon character by the name of Deputy Dog?" " Mama, please." " Well, you know what?" "I happen to find Deputy Dog to be... very, very sexy." "Did he tell you about a little bedtime problem?" " Mama, I'm beggin' you, don't." " That's his sheet back there." "If you'll excuse me, ladies, I'm gonna go hang myself." " Now you see what you done?" " What I did?" "Now you listen here, cupcake." "The "onliest" woman in my boy's life is me." "Nobody's gonna take him away, especially not some godless Jezebel like you." "Oh, yeah, well your Bobby is a grown man." "And guess what?" "He can hang out with whoever he wants!" "Oh, yes, he can." "Whoever he wants. 'Cept you!" "Bobby, that-that woman is the devil." " I want you to stay away from her, you hear me?" " Yes, Mama." "Now you come on inside before that little ol' witch casts a spell on us!" "I'm sorry, Vicki Vallencourt." "Whatever." "When we report on the S.C.L.S.U. Mud Dogs here on Sportscenter, it's usually to add... another number to their amazing losing streak, which now stands at 41." "But now, Bobby Boucher has given us another reason." "In the Mud Dog's latest loss this past Saturday, the amazing 31-year-old freshman set a new N.C.A.A. record... by sacking the quarterback 16 times, shattering the old record of seven." "And, oh, by the way, Bobby Boucher is also the team's waterboy, which, of course, begs the question:" "What exactly are they putting in the water... down in Jackson's Bayou, Louisiana?" "We're deadlocked at three with less than a minute to go." "We are one family with one dream." "There are 40 of you on this team, not just one." "Bobby can't do this by himself." "Now get out there and make something happen!" "All right, sacrifice your bodies." "Go, go, go!" "Thank you." "Bobby, you're gonna have to do this by yourself... because there is nobody on this team that's any good." "Now look, I can't stand losing anymore." "We've got to win one game." "Can you go out there and make something happen?" " Visualize and attack." " Yeah." " Visualize and attack." "Please!" " Yes." "Yes, yes, yes, yes." "Please!" "Central Kentucky's down to their third straight quarterback." "Good news, folks." "First-string quarterback, Tommy Gardner, does not have a broken neck." "Blue, 52!" "Blue, 52!" "Hut!" "I forbid you to talk to that enchantress." "She's the devil!" "She's not the devil." "She's the most beautiful woman in the world." " I never said she was the devil." " She's the most beautiful woman in the world." "Oh, please, don't hurt me!" "Follow the..." "Come on!" "You crazy man!" "Okay, okay, okay!" "It's a safety!" "They win, they win, they win!" "With the help of Boucher, the losing streak is over!" "I'm so sorry, Mama." "Please, forgive me." "I love you so much, Mama." "I love you." " I love you too." " We won!" "We won, baby!" "It's gonna be a big party tonight, and you're going!" " Me?" "Party?" " Yeah, baby!" "Party!" "Party!" "Hey!" "Nice suit." "Thank you." "It was my daddy's." "Mama don't know I'm here, but I took these outta the icebox:" "Louisiana frog cakes." "Thanks." " Come on in." " Hey, Bobby Boucher!" "Look who's here:" "Sergeant Stutter." " Want a beer?" " I'll take a Scotch and water." "Hold the Scotch." " You just make a joke, Bobby?" " Yes, I did." "Good one." "Now that you finally won a game, right, you feel looser, the pressure is off, and that will lead to a lot more victories." " Yeah, that and a waterboy getting 20 sacks a game." " That too." "Professor!" "We still havin' that test on amphibians and reptiles next Friday?" "Yes, sir." "That is, if it's all right with you." " Of course, it is." " My best regards to your dear mama." "Let's talk to the waterboy." "You played amazing at the game today, Bobby." "And you are so cute." "Is there a girl you're seein'?" "Seein'?" "Uh, uh, I see a lot of girls." "I see a lot of guys too." "I think that's sexy." "You ever been with a guy and a girl at the same time?" "Oh, yeah, plenty of times." "The other night, I was with my mama and Coach Klein at the same time." "You are a bad boy." "I wish you were my boyfriend." "Oh, thank you, but, see, there's this girl, Vicki Vallencourt." "She may be the devil." "Mama said that." "Consequently, I am prohibited from contact with her." "But I hope to get past that one day 'cause she's nice to talk to." "Oh, oh." "Yo, we have a very special guest here today." "Let's have a warm L.T. welcome for Bobby Boucher." "Come on, Bobby." "Thank you, Mr. Lawrence Taylor." "Tell me, what is your secret?" "How do you find yourself in the right position all the time?" "That-That-That's a good question." "What-What happens is, the-the-the center has-has the ball first." "And-And-And the quarterback will say, "Hike."" "That's when the c-center puts the ball in-into the hands of the quarterback." "So what I do is, I-I start tackling' the quarterback, unless he give the ball to-to s-somebody else, in which case, I-I try to tackle that person." "Hmm?" "Children, which brings me to my next point:" "Don't smoke crack." "Vicki Vallencourt." "What you doin' here?" "Oh, nothin'." "I was just thinkin'... about stealing' L.T.'s Porsche over there." "But I suppose I ought to be movin' on before I get you in trouble with your mama." "Well, Mr. Coach Klein said that what Mama don't know won't hurt her." "So maybe we could ride home together." " Really?" " If you'd like to." "Okay." "Who got the hooch?" "You can sit down, if you'd like." "Vicki Vallencourt, I figured... 'cause you're interested in astrology and mystical stuff like that, you might appreciate this." "That's water from a glacier in Alaska." "It-lt was blessed by a-an Eskimo medicine man." " It's cold!" " Yes, it's always cold." "That's why it's so special." "That-That was..." "That-That-That-That happened..." "That-That happened to be my-my first time with-with lips... and-and-and-and-and and-and-and-and-and the-the tongue." "That was your tongue." "I..." "I believe it was..." "I never did that before." "Well, if that was your first kiss, then I bet it's the first time you've seen a pair of these." "Yes, yes, that is a-another first for me, and I-I appreciate what-what-what you're showin' me right now." "Vicki-Vicki Vallencourt, I-I think Mama's up." "Devil, devil, devil." "You better get goin'." "My God, Bobby, I mean, sometimes, I just don't know why I bother with you." "You ain't even a man." "It looks like the Cinderella S.C.L.S.U. Mud Dogs, led by linebacker Bobby Boucher, are gonna fall one victory short of that Bourbon Bowl bid." "Iowa could win the game by nailing this 20-yard field goal." "Yeah, but the Mud Dogs have played a sensational football game." "Let's take a look at the way Boucher entered the Hawkeyes' last drive." "Let's take a look at the way Boucher entered the Hawkeyes' last drive." "Here we see Boucher instantly penetrating' the pocket." "There's a lot of pain and shame in those eyes." "Friends, it's all over." " My leg!" " Wow, that is a disturbing image." "Difficult to watch, Chris." "Whoo!" "My God!" "Gonna kick some names and take some ass!" "Bobby!" "Water sucks." "Gatorade is better." " What?" " Use it on the field." "Waterboy, Waterboy, Waterboy!" "Gatorade not only quenches your thirst better, it tastes better too, idiot." "You're-You're-You're drinkin' the wrong water." " Gatorade." " H2O." " Gatorade!" " H2O!" "Stop saying that." "You don't mean that." "You're bad people." "And my friend, Chris, the Mud Dogs are goin' to the Bourbon Bowl." "With yesterday's come-from-behind victory, the S.C.L.S.U. Mud Dogs... earned a New Year's Day date with Red Beaulieu and the Louisiana Cougars... in the first annual Bourbon Bowl." "But not only has the waterboy changed S.C.L.S.U.'s fortunes, he's got other teams looking around the sidelines for talent." "In fact, yesterday, Michigan, devastated by injury, experimented with their towel boy at wide receiver." "But the towel boy ran into a laundry list of problems." "You know, when I see so many of you here tonight, it reminds me just about how special this season really was." "Not just for the team." "Not just for the students." "But for each and every one of you... in our small corner of Louisiana!" "You can do it!" "Oh, yes, we can, and, yes, we will." "Because we've got... a young man who has been so vital to our success." "A wonderful student-athlete." "And a wonderful friend." "Ladies and gentlemen, Bobby Boucher!" " Waterboy, number one!" " You can do it!" "Thank you so much... for bein' my friends." "You can do it!" "I'd also like to take this opportunity... to tell you that my mama don't know how I play football, so if-if you could not tell my mama I-I play football, that would be for the best." "We must be a little lost." "We're tryin' to get to the Bourbon Bowl." "Looks like we ended up in Retardville, U.S.A." "Hey, Waterboy, you fixin' to tackle all of us?" " Kick his water-lovin' ass, Greg." " I asked you a question, dumb ass." "You even exhale, and I will saw your head off." "You can do it!" "Cut his fucking head off!" "Hold it, hold it." "Just a minute." "Now what is the problem here, honey?" "I mean, whatever it is, we don't want this to get physical." "Right, Klein?" "Yeah, well, your team actin' like a bunch of shitheads." "This is not how ambassadors for the University of Louisiana are supposed to act." "So now you just get back on the bus." "However, assault with a deadly weapon, very, very serious offense." "Officer, get her little country ass outta here." "Thank you, Vicki." "Let's go." "Ah!" "It's the waterboy!" "I got something for you." "This is his transcript from South Lafayette High School... in Cherokee Plains, Louisiana." "Now the problem with that... is there ain't no South Lafayette High School in Cherokee Plains, Louisiana." "So obviously, this is a fake!" "However, this is not a fake." "This is from the N.C.A.A." "They don't think you ought to play football no more." "So allow me to say this to you one more time:" "You're fired." "Oh, no!" "We suck again!" "Ever see a championship ring?" " Don't be messin' with the champ." "Come on, Laski." " You didn't go to high school?" "I was home schooled." "I-I didn't know I needed..." " Forged a fake transcript." " No, no, I-I-I didn't." "The waterboy's a cheater." "Cut his head off." "Listen, everybody!" "This don't change nothin'!" "We played as a team, we won as a team." "And just because the waterboy's a cheater, don't change the fact that the real Mud Dogs... are gonna kick some Cougar ass." "Mud Dogs!" "Mud Dogs!" "Mud Dogs!" "Mud Dogs!" "Mud Dogs!" "Mud Dogs!" "Mud Dogs!" "Mud Dogs!" "Mud Dogs!" "Mud Dogs!" "Mud Dogs!" "Mud Dogs!" "Mud Dogs!" "Mud Dogs!" "Mud Dogs!" "Mud Dogs!" "Mud Dogs!" "That's the way!" "Sorry, Bobby." "Believe me, I-I understand." "Yeah, and you're deeply appreciated, Mr. Dodd." "Thank you so much." "Bye-bye." "Good news, Bobby." " The N.C.A.A. is gonna allow you to play in the Bourbon Bowl." " Yes." "You just have to pass the high school equivalency test." "It's not the test, Coach." "Everybody hates me." "That's not true." "One man said he wanted to decapitate me." "Nobody else thought that to be too bad of an idea." "Somebody made me look like a-a-a cheater." "I did it." "I did it." "I did it!" "I did it!" "I did it!" " It was me." " Why?" "Because I wanted you to play." "Because you were my way out, Bobby." "'Cause it was the only way to get you in." "I am so sorry." "Why didn't you s-stick up for me down by the river?" "The truth is, I fled." "I came into my office, I went under my desk, I cried." "I cried." "I cried like a ten-year-old girl!" "Red and I have a history." "Twenty years ago, we were assistants to Coach Cavanaugh... at the University of Louisiana." "Red ran the practices, and I used to come up with the plays." "Oh, boy, was I good." "I would write these foolproof plays in my little green notebook that I had." "The opposition didn't even know what hit 'em." "And when Coach Cavanaugh was going to retire, me and Red, we just knew that one of us was gonna be his successor." " Hey, Red." " How ya doin'?" "Come by to wish me luck?" "Well, not exactly, no, no." "Actually, I come by to get you to do ol' Red a little favor." "Sure." "What's up?" "Well, you know that green notebook you use to write all them football plays in?" "Well, I need to show Cavanaugh that I can come up with some good play ideas." "But you didn't come up with them." "They're my plays." "I need them." "Klein, I'm gonna have this book one way or another, so you might as well let the damn thing go, 'cause if you don't, it's gonna get awfully, awfully physical around here." "And I don't think you want that, do you?" "Huh?" "Of course, Red got the job." "Next day, fired me." "Once he had my notebook, he didn't need me anymore." "I didn't take it very well." "No, Grandma, I didn't get it." "I can't believe it myself." "I know." "I'm so numb." "I just hate him, I hate him, I hate him." "That is a terrible story, Coach." " But why-why don't you just come up with some new plays?" " I tried." " I can't." " Yes." "I guess I have a mental block, you know, ever since Red took my playbook and my manhood." "I knew what he was gonna do!" "And I just didn't fight back." "Well, you're gonna show him that you're a man on Saturday." "And I'm gonna show everybody that I'm not a dummy." "I'm gonna go study." "Mama, maybe you could stop brushin' my hair so I can read." "Read?" "You don't have to read." " What you readin' for?" " 'Cause I enjoys it, Mama." "Don't look like to me you enjoys it, sittin' there all grouchy." "Mama, I gotta read this book and six other books tonight, or else I can't play foot... ball." "Fool's ball?" "You playin' the fool's ball behind my back?" "The only reason I'm doin' this so, so I can go to school." "School?" "You goin' to school?" "Sorry, Mama." "I wanted to tell you." "You off gallivanting' with your fancy fool's ball friends at school, while I'm sittin' here all day with nobody to keep me company, except Steve?" "The chickens are comin' home to roost, Bobby Boucher." "You reap the fruit of your selfish ways." "You're gonna lose all your fancy fool's ball games... and you're gonna fail your big exam, because school is..." "The devil?" "Everything is the devil to you, Mama!" "Well, I like school, and I like football!" "And I'm gonna keep doin' them both because they make me feel good!" "And by the way, Mama, alligators are ornery... because of their medulla oblongata!" "And I like Vicki, and she likes me back!" "And she showed me her boobies, and I liked them too!" "The Louisiana High School Equivalency Examination... consists of 300 multiple choice questions." "You have three hours." "Good luck to you, sir." "Ben Franklin." "Mama, when did Ben Franklin invent electricity?" "That's nonsense!" "I invented electricity." "Ben Franklin is the devil!" "I can't believe you got a 97!" "I-I-I can't believe that I-I-I told Mama... that I got feelings for you." "Well, welcome to your manhood, Bobby Boucher." "When we get a little more time, I'll welcome you properly." "Yes, once again, I'm not quite sure what that means, but..." "You know, we should get goin'." "I told the coach that I'd drive to the game with him." "I was with you from two to four last night." "You-You tell them." "Bobby, your mama got sick this mornin'." "She's in the hospital." "Mama, what have I done?" "I'm so sorry, Mama." "Doctors say... they can't figure out what's wrong with her." "But I know what's wrong." "She got a broken heart because of me." "Bobby, that's ridiculous." "Everybody else in this town turn on me at the drop of a hat." "Mama is the only one who really cares if I live or die." "She my whole world." "Will you just leave us alone?" "She'll be fine, Bobby." "We better get going." "God knows what the team is doing with just Farmer Fran watching them." "You really made it look like home." "How's that, Steve?" "Take a look." "The crowd has never been bigger." "You know why?" "Look who's on the television, Mama." "The devil." "500,000 intimate..." "Who there?" "Who there?" "Three, two, one!" " Happy New Year!" " Happy New Year, Mama." "Waterboy!" "Waterboy!" "Waterboy!" "Waterboy!" "Bobby Boucher, all these folks are here tonight... to tell you that they're sorry... that they're sorry for not supporting' you... when it meant the most." "But you do have friends, and one of 'em wants to say somethin'." "Come on." "I am not what you would call a handsome man." "The good Lord chose not to bless me with... with charm, athletic ability or a fully functional brain." "You see, you're an inspiration... to all of us who, who weren't born handsome... and charming and cool and..." " I can't!" "I can't!" " It's okay." "Bobby, if your mama could only hear us right now, we would tell her... what a fine boy she raised, and how much your playing football means to this town." "But she can't hear you, 'cause she's unconscious." "I'm sorry to disappoint you all, but please keep your voices down... so my mama can get her rest." "Well, wake her ass up!" "We gotta win tomorrow!" "Mama!" "Thank God, you're okay." "I'm so sorry." "I was so bad, Mama." "You were right about everything." " I've been a real knucklehead." " Oh, hush, baby." "You should've seen this a long time ago." "Oh, my word!" " Is that my daddy?" " No, no." "That's a guy I dated before I met your father." "Oh, you could iron a shirt on his stomach." "Well, that was lust, not love." "Turn the page." "There's your daddy." " So handsome." " Oh." "Read on." ""Dear Helen." Who's Helen?" "That's my first name, Bobby." "Ohh!" ""I have arrived here in New Orleans." ""It is even more beautiful than in the picture books." ""I'm sure I'll have no problem finding work," ""so you can expect my next letter to contain lots of money." "Your loving husband, Robert."" "That's nice, Mama." ""Dear Helen." That's you." ""I found a job as a lemonade vendor," ""but sorry, no money yet." ""New Orleans is an expensive city." ""Expensive, but fun." "Hope all is well." "Robert."" ""To Whom It May Concern:" ""This will be my last letter." ""We have grown apart over these last six weeks." ""I now have two loves in my life:" ""big-city livin' and a voodoo woman named Phyllis." "Ciao, Roberto."" "He changed his name to Roberto." "I guess he thought it was more exotic." "But Mama says that..." "I mean, you say that..." "Bobby, your daddy didn't go into no Peace Corps." "He deserted us, baby." "No, no, Mama." "You-You..." "You shouldn't be dredging' up these painful memories in your condition." "Oh, hush." "Your mama's as healthy as an ox, and as dumb as one to boot." "I was so scared you'd abandon me too." "And I made you abandon all those people who depend on ya." "I hid you away from the world, Bobby Boucher." "But I can't hog you to myself no more, because everyone's seen how wonderful you are." " Oh, Mama!" " Now." "You go play fool's ball with your friends." "Welcome to ABC's coverage of the Bourbon Bowl." "Good afternoon, everybody." "I'm Brent Musburger, along with my colleague, Dan Fouts." "And the big story here, Dan, is a game that's lost some of its luster... without its star player, the waterboy Bobby Boucher." "You know, Red's got a couple of solid early rounders out there." "I know, but I really wanted to scout that waterboy." "Reminds me of Greg Lloyd." " Naw. "Hack" Thomas." " Whatever." "Is she ready?" "Oh, yeah." "She's more than ready." "Come on, Bobby!" "You'll miss the boat!" "Let's go, ladies." "We are underway!" "The opening kickoff is a beauty!" "Holdsworth is gonna bring it out from nine yards deep." "Come on." "Yeah!" "Dan, they're showing no respect for this team without Boucher." "Good reason, Brent." "109 yards untouched." "Touchdown, Cougars!" "They strike first." "Time running down in the first quarter." "Cougars lead is 17-0." "Set!" "Three!" "Thirty-three!" "Three!" "Thirty-three!" "Hut!" "Dan, that quarterback can't even get the ball off before he's hit." "It's as if they're in the offensive huddle with him." "Are you gonna finish that hot dog, Jimmy?" "Ugh!" "Now I'm not." "Mama, you think we'll make it on time?" "Hang on!" "I'll show you what A.J. Foyt taught me." "That's the end of the half." "The Cougars are dominating." "Let's hope the Mud Dogs can make some adjustments." " Well, they better, 'cause they suck." " Mm-hmm." "Anybody got an idea?" "Hey." "Remember the time Bobby tackled the referee by mistake?" "Yeah, that was pretty funny." "How about the time he tackled the guy from Louisville... and threw him into the stands?" "Y'all remember when he intercepted the ball and his pants fell off?" "And then he ran for the touchdown, bare-assed." "Remember the time Bobby..." "Remember when Bobby Boucher showed up at halftime and the Mud Dogs won the Bourbon Bowl?" "Hey, sorry about givin' you so much shit this year." "You're the heart and soul of this team, Bobby." "Ain't one of us could've passed that test." "Thank you all so much for being my friends." "Well, let's wait till later to hold hands and kiss." "We got a Bowl game to win." " Right?" " Yeah!" " Two, three!" " Mud Dogs!" "Woof!" "In a dramatic turn of events," "Bobby Boucher just arrived at halftime." "And on a fan boat, Brent." "His mother drove him right into the stadium." "Waterboy!" "Waterboy!" "Waterboy!" "Waterboy!" "Waterboy!" "Waterboy!" "Fool's ball's not for the devil." "It's for my Bobby." "Time to open up some whoop-ass." "Shit, he showed up." "All right, look." "Just relax." "Relax." "Go in there and do exactly like we planned." "Go, go, go!" "This could be the start of some high drama, folks." "Or are the Mud Dogs too far behind?" "Bobby Boucher is on defense." "The Cougars are coming out from their own 20 yard line." " Hut!" "Hut!" "The pitch." "It's a reverse!" "Boucher's not fooled." "Fumble!" "Robideaux's got it!" "Touchdown, Mud Dogs!" " Boy, Boucher knocked the poop out of him." " "Poop"?" "Slap hands!" "Slap hands!" "Drink up, now." "I want you girls to sober up." "Have faith in my Bobby." "The Mud Dogs are faced with yet another third and long." " Hut!" " Grenouille back to pass." "He's gonna be stuffed again!" "And the Mud Dogs offense is still unable to move that ball." "But the way their defense is fired up, they still have a shot at winning this game." "Blake, come here." "Look." "Now, what if we, uh..." "Trust me." "Go, go, go, go, go." "The Cougars lead 27-7 in the middle of the third quarter." "And he takes a knee?" "Y'all gonna play or what?" "How do you all like my new offense?" "All right, it's second and 12..." " as the Cougars line up on the ball." " Hut!" "Hut!" "What is Red Beaulieu doing, refusing to play offense?" " Dan, this is bizarre." " No, it's not, Brent." "It's brilliant, because Red is taking the waterboy out of the game." "By kneeling down three times and punting, he's gonna make the Mud Dog offense try to beat him." "And the way they're playing today, that's impossible." "Well, the Mud Dog's most valuable player, the linebacker they call "the Waterboy," is now powerless." "That means Coach Klein will have to find another way to outfox Red." "Mud Dogs call a time-out." "Mr. Coach Klein." "Mr. Coach Klein!" "Mr. Coach Klein!" " Where are you going?" " I was just gonna get a hot pretzel." "Mr. Coach Klein, are you afraid of Red Beaulieu?" "I am petrified of him." "Well, why don't you pretend that Red Beaulieu... is somebody that you're-you're not afraid of." " Pretend?" " Yes." "Visualize somebody you're not afraid of." " And then attack, like you told me." " I'll try." "Well, he's right over there." "Little baby." "Yeah." "Hello, little baby." "A poo-poo?" "Do you have a poo-poo?" "Yes." "Okay." "Now." "This is what we're gonna do." "He's gonna come here..." "Come and get this one, Cougars." "Red, 22!" "Hike!" "Snap to Grenouille." "A reverse!" "No, it's a double reverse!" "Oh, what a block!" "And Boudier springs free!" "Trouble!" "Lateral!" "Got him!" "What a play!" "Grenouille to the 15!" "To the 10!" "To the 5!" " Touchdown, Mud Dogs!" " Well, well, well." "I guess Coach Klein does have a few tricks up his sleeve after all." "What the hell..." "What the hell is this?" "Huh?" "We go from a championship football team to a bunch of dogs!" "Right now, we're going to go down to the sidelines and our man, Lynn Swann." "Swannie, what do you have for us?" "I'm with Vicki Vallencourt, who's taking over..." "Bobby Boucher's water duties for this important game." "Oh, I'm not takin' over." "I'm just tryin' not to screw up too bad." "Well, let me ask you this." "What's your prediction for the rest of this ball game?" "Mud Dogs are gonna win, 30 to 27." "That's very interesting." "How'd you come up with that guess?" "Guess?" "That ain't no guess!" "That's what it's gonna be." " Okay." "That's fine." " Oh!" "Be careful down there, Swannie." "All right." "Meaney." "Where's Meaney?" " Meaney?" " Here, Coach." " Get in there and let's see if that waterboy can stop you." " Yes, sir!" "Red is sending his best defender in as a running back?" "What do you make of this, Dan?" "Well, Brent, he's gotta find some way to neutralize the waterboy." "He probably thinks that Meaney will just pound it in there like Fridge used to do for the Bears." "Hey, Waterboy!" "Is your girlfriend gonna save you again?" "Oh, no, sir." "I'm gonna take matters into my own hands." " You'll see." " Bridge the hole!" "Your ass is mine!" "Whoo!" "Whoo!" "Whoo!" "You sound like a..." "a big choo-choo train." "Whoo!" "Power bomb, compliments of Captain Insano." "All right, field goal." "Field goal." "Go." " Derek." "Derek!" " Yeah." "Visualize the attack." "Go kick the ball." "Kick it." "Hut!" "How you doin', boy?" "No, no, no!" "What the hell is that?" "Where the hell is..." "What the hell is he up to?" "That ain't in here!" "Huh?" "Hey!" "Down by ten late in the fourth quarter," "Coach Klein opts for the field goal." "Then they have to hope for the onside kick and a touchdown to tie the game." "Dan, look what we have here." "Boucher's in the game as a blocker." "Last game of the year, Brent." "Can't hold anything back now." "Set!" "The snap." "It's a fake!" "Boucher's out in front!" "A great block!" "And a second one!" "Touchdown, Mud Dogs!" " Boucher led him all the way!" " Yeah!" "Red Beaulieu is steaming, Dan." "Brent, he sees his perfect season slipping away." "The Cougar's lead is down to three." "The Mud Dogs need the ball back if they're gonna have a shot at overtime." "And Bobby Boucher is now on the kickoff team." " Last game of the year, Brent." "Can't hold anything back now." " I know." "Who's it gonna be?" "Who's it gonna be?" "Who's it gonna be?" "Oh, yeah." "There's my bitch." "Remember, the ball must travel ten yards." "It's loose!" " Mud Dogs football!" "Mud Dogs football!" " All right!" "Mama, I got the football!" "I got it..." "Oh, what a vicious hit!" "That was a cheap shot." "Oh!" "And what a dumb penalty." "That puts the Mud Dogs in field goal range for the tie." " Dan, I'm not sure that Boucher is able to get back up." " Oh, my baby!" "It's still cold." "Excuse me." "Out of my way." "Dan, you hate to see this happen." "Now, that's high quality H2O." "Come on, now!" "Make it happen, Bobby!" "The waterboy just needed some water." " Wow, Dan." "You think that up all by yourself?" " Shut up, Brent." "Are you okay?" "He tried to open up a can of whoop-ass on me." "I wouldn't let him." "Listen, I have an idea for the last play." "You haven't done this before." "All right?" "The offense is gonna line up like this." " Yeah." " You're gonna be right here." "There'll be no tie here today." "Coach Klein is sending his offense back on to the field." "He's going for the win right now." "Yeah, this is a real gutsy call, Brent." "He'll either be a hero or a goat because of this." "And Dan, Bobby Boucher is back on the field." "He is now playing offense!" "We know." "We know." "Meaney, if they give that Waterboy the football," "I don't care if you have to stab him!" "Do not let him get away." "Do you understand me?" " Yes, sir." "Yes, sir!" " Do you understand me?" "Get in there!" "Break!" " I'm ready, friend." " Let's do it, Bobby." "Set!" "Set!" "Forty-three!" "Set!" "Forty-three!" "Hut, hut!" "Touchdown!" "They win it!" "The Mud Dogs win it!" "Bobby Boucher's the hero!" "He's gone from waterboy, Dan, to saviour!" "And it's because he didn't hold anything back!" "Well, Swannie's down on the field with our hero, so let's go to Lynn now!" "We did it!" "I can't believe it!" "I can't believe it!" " Vicki, I love you!" " Whoo!" "I love you too, baby." "We're the champions!" "Mr. Coach Klein, you got your manhood!" "You got your manhood!" "Bobby, congratulations." "You're the M.V.P. of the Bourbon Bowl." "How do you feel?" "I love Mama!" "Lookin' sharp, Bobby!" "You the man, Bobby!" "Bobby, I've been dreading this day for a long time." " But you got yourself a fine woman." " Oh, thank you, Mama." "Good luck, son." "This is the best day of my life!" "You just wait till tonight." " What's gonna happen tonight?" " You'll see." "You can do it!" "You can do it all night long!" "I'm gonna go do it!" "Bobby, it's me!" " Your daddy, Roberto." " Daddy?" "I've seen you on the ESPN when they was talkin' about you being drafted by the NFL." "Not going to the NFL." "I'm gonna stay in school and graduate." "The hell with school, dopey!" "Take the money!" "You and me could be partners, just like that Tiger Woods and his daddy." "Uh-oh." " Nice hit, Mama." " Thanks, baby." "Now, you go on and have some fun becoming a man."