"Maw maw!" "Hurry up!" "It's time for the yard movie." "Who's the pygmy?" "What's it doing in my seat?" "Maw maw, this is your great-granddaughter, Hope." "Who the heck are you?" "Yeah, I think maw maw's confused again." "Maw maw, what's the last thing you remember?" "That dopey looking kid went out to get bubblegum ice cream." "Wow." "She's forgotten, like, the last three years." "Get out the instruments, she needs a memory reset." "One, two, three... ♪ Jimmy brought home a serial killer ♪" "♪ and he nailed her before he knew ♪" "♪ they locked her up without a key, but in her guilty belly ♪" "♪ a darling baby grew" "♪ Jimmy was a struggling single father ♪" "♪ till he found a girl to help him cope ♪" "♪ that's your great-grandson Jimmy ♪" "♪ and his wife Sabrina ♪" "♪ and... ♪ Their daughter..." "Monkey?" "Maybe some specifics would jog her memory." "Maw maw, remember how... ♪ Hope got stuck in Virginia's shed ♪" "♪ you jenga-ed her out or she'd be dead ♪" "♪ we went to Vegas with Virginia's cousin ♪" "♪ Burt was Jewish ♪ and then he wasn't" "♪ pitched our inventions to Andrew Dice Clay ♪" "♪ Jimmy married Frank, although he's not gay ♪" "♪ we met Jimmy's almost family, a bunch of racists ♪" "♪ we caught a squirrel who was a rapist ♪" "♪ We busted you out of a nursing home ♪" "♪ they fought a bear, we danced with some ♪" "♪ bought a used time machine ♪" "♪ fought a giant candy war ♪ trained a pig" "♪ sold pigurines" "♪ and so, so, so much more..." "Maw maw, do you remember it now?" "Are you still confused?" "Nope." "That's... ♪ Barney, Frank, the odd one's Shelley ♪" "♪ dancin' Dan" "♪ I know I'm maw maw" "♪ my granddaughter, Virginia ♪" "♪ her husband Burt, my great-grandson Jimmy ♪" "♪ his wife Sabrina" "♪ and... their daughter..." "I wanna say..." "Edgar." "Hope!" "I hope your name is Edgar, too..." "That would be hilarious." "♪ Whoo!" "♪ Here we go, oh, oh, oh" "♪ oh, oh, oh!" "Season 4, Episode 1 "Déjà Vu Man"" "Burt!" "You got to come with me." "I saw him again." "That guy who looks like white Morgan Freeman?" " No." "Déjà vu man!" " Damn, I always miss him." " What are they talking about?" " Déjà vu man." " He's mom's imaginary friend." " He's not imaginary." "He's real." "He shows up every few years." "The first time, I was waiting for paw paw to pick me up from school." "I just thought he was a pervert, but then when I saw he didn't have a mustache," "I assumed I was being discovered by an undercover modeling talent scout." "He always shows up when I'm at my least photogenic." "The last time before today was about a year ago." "Wha...?" "We got to get there quick." "I followed him to the barbershop, and he doesn't have a lot of hair." "Someone gonna spin, or what?" " There he is." " Let me see." "You see him?" "No." "The hair-monizers are in the way." "They look like they sound great." "Hey!" "Cookie man is in there, too!" " Which one?" " The guy by the window getting a shave." "But... the guy by the window getting a shave, that's Déjà vu man!" "Then Déjà vu man is also cookie man!" " Okay, fine, I'll bite." "Who's cookie man?" " Dad's imaginary friend." "Cookie man started coming around years ago when Jimmy was little." "He would show up at the park and share his cookies with us." "He was always asking about Jimmy." "He's a very smart baby." "I think he gets from me." " Are you drinking breast milk?" " Yeah." "You want some?" "Uh, no, I'm gonna pass." "Well, that's an interesting mask." "Uh, what's he supposed to be?" "We asked him what he wanted to dress up as for Halloween..." "He said, "Jimmy."" "It's the only word he knows." " Isn't that right, boy?" " Jimmy." " Want some more cookies?" " Jimmy." " How old are you?" " Jimmy." " What's your name?" " Cookie!" "Hey!" "He learned a new word!" "Told you he was smart." "He even showed up last month, when I was in the park with Hope." "You know, there's a lot of strangers who hand out treats to kids in this town, but your cookies are by far the best." "Burt, please, I'm not a stranger." "I'm Cookie man." "I'm really sorry, Burt." "I always thought you made up Cookie man just to cover for spoiling Jimmy's dinner." "I'm sorry, too." "I sometimes wondered if Déjà vu man was just another one of your crazy conspiracy theories, like UFOs or Bigfoot or that Delaware doesn't actually exist." "Name one person that's ever been to Delaware." "Did you say that Déjà vu-slash-Cookie man was the one in front getting a shave?" " Yeah." "Why?" " 'Cause that's also Super-curious guy!" "Who's Super-curious guy?" " That would be Jimmy's imaginary friend." " He is not imaginary." "He's this guy who shows up every now and then on the loading dock and asks me tons of questions." "I remember once that he said..." "Jimmy!" "There's no time!" "I'm sure you got two or three funny memories you could describe, but we need to figure out what to do next." "Ooh!" "White Morgan Freeman!" "Oh, my God." "Déjà vu man, Cookie man, and Super-curious guy is also roofie surgeon, who I saw steal my mother's kidney in 1996." " Really?" " No, I just felt left out." "Okay, Burt, how should we play this?" "You guys, why don't you just go over there and ask him what's going on?" "You make suggestions like that, you wonder why you get left out?" "Thanks, Sabrina." "For all we know, he works for the government and can lock us all up in Geronimo Bay for the rest of our lives." "Oh, he's leaving, we've got to follow him, find out who he works for." " Good idea." " Good idea." "Jimmy, do you remember how we talked about not letting your parents drag us into something crazy every week?" "Guys, I got to go pick up Hope." "I am trying to be a responsible parent." "Oh, crap, he's getting on his bike." "Should we get the truck, or follow him on foot?" "Neither." "I got him." "I don't know who this guy is, but he must be loaded." "He's staying at the three seasons motel." "What is he doing in there?" "He's either doing solo charades or Tai Chi." "Or both, if the clue is "Tai Chi."" "I got to be honest, he sounds like an interesting guy." "I'll bet he works for the government." "I just don't understand why they care so much about what we're doing." "Well, when I'm bored, I like to look up how to build bombs on the Internet." "And I was a bit of a firebug in the '90s." "Maybe he's following us for a good reason." "Maybe he's one of those guys from The Matrix." "Then he could explain the Matrix to me." " Shh!" " Oh, he's leaving." "All right, here's our chance..." "We're gonna break into his room and find out who he is." "Sounds like a plan." "All I'm gonna need is a lighter, a bottle of toilet bowl cleaner, and an old-fashioned alarm clock." "We'll blow a hole right through his door." "Or we could just jimmy it open with the "do not disturb" sign." "Yep." "Whoa!" "Fancy." "This is the type of room a rock star would O.D. in." " Hey, check this out." " What?" "What is it?" "The greatest bed ever made." "You got to try this." "Burt, we can't." "We got to..." "Oh, my God." "It's both firm and soft." "It's like lying on Santa Claus." "What the hell?" "It's, like, my whole life." "This is creepy." "Let's get out of here quick, before he comes back and makes masks out of our faces." "Now I got a picture of him." "Wow." "We both looked really good in that shot." "You're right." "If he doesn't turn to be a weirdo pervert killer, we should have him take our Christmas card." "Making a flyer to find out who this guy is was a great idea." "Flyers?" "Did that dopey son of yours wander off again?" " No." " Well, who's lost, then?" " Your crazy old grandmother?" " That's you, maw maw." "Arnold!" "Get this picture out of my house." " You know who this is?" " Yeah." "That's the bastard who knocked my daughter up." "So the guy who knocked up your daughter... would be..." " My father?" "!" " No." "Wait." "Your father!" "IF YOU KNOW THIS MAN, PLEASE CALL 555-0137" "I knew this no-good, disgusting excuse for a man was trouble the minute I laid eyes on him." " But he's my father." " Paw paw was your father." "Arnold's just an immoral, horrible person." "You don't want to associate with people like that." "So you just made up a story about Virginia's father dying" " ...in a horse racing accident?" " Why would you do that?" "Because you wanted a pony and a father, and it solved two problems at once." "Well... guess we'd better go meet your dad." "No way." "If he wanted to be a part of my life, he had plenty of chances to talk to me." "But I think you're gonna need some of that..." "Emotional stuff Dr. Phil's always talking about." "The... "You can't fix a flat tire with a red-handled hairbrush."" " Nah, that's not it." " Ma!" "Dad!" "Check out the moves I just taught Hope for the father-daughter dance!" " Ya-ta... holla..." " Oh, come on, Jimmy." "How is she supposed to ever learn to dance on her own?" "What the hell kind of father smothers his daughter like that?" "Virginia, you're obviously upset." ""I don't always drink beer, but when I do..."" "Nah, that's not Dr. Phil." "And for God's sake, you're letting all the bugs in." "Close the door." "Closure... that's it!" "You got to go meet your dad for closure." "Fine, I'll go." "But it's not because I trust Dr. Phil." "It's 'cause that closure thing always seems to work on Grey's Anatomy." "Oh, my hand's shaking." "I haven't been this nervous since Jimmy was born." "At least I had cigarettes to get me through that." "Don't be nervous." "Just picture your dad in his underwear." "Burt, I've never met the man." "I don't know what sort of underwear he wears." "Oh, uh..." "No, sorry, no, uh..." "No housekeeping or lawn care today." "Assuming that's what you do." "Cut the crap." "I know who you are and I know what you've been doing all these years, and it needs to stop." " Stay away from my family..." " Okay." "...And delete all those creepy pictures of us." "And then I want you to go away and never come near us again." " Right." " Right after you tell me what possible reason a person could have to abandon his precious baby girl." "I'm gay." " I'm confused." " So was I, back then." "You see, it all started backstage after a dinner theater performance of Pippin." "I played Pippin, local critic said I was "mesmerizing."" "After the cast party, your mom, me, and a bottle of apple wine... we, uh, made our way into the, uh, prop closet." "Virginia, that's probably where you get your love of fruit-based alcohol." "Pretending to enjoy sex with a woman was perhaps my second great performance that evening." "Your mom got pregnant, and I got..." "I got the guts to admit that I am gay." "I wanted to stay, but no, the-the people of Natesville in 1973, they did not want to be associated with, uh," ""my kind."" "That's what maw maw was talking about." "She hates you." "Yeah, paw paw wasn't so thrilled either." "You ever tried dodging buckshot in cashmere bell-bottoms?" "I can only imagine." "I did it in jean shorts and that wasn't easy." " I am so sorry." " It wasn't your fault." "Was my fault." "I didn't want you to grow up with the stigma of having a gay father." " I can only hope you'll forgive me." " Daddy!" "Once my mom understood why her dad had left, it was hard to stay mad at him." "And they both wanted to make up for lost time doing all those father-daughter things they missed out on." "Vos mamelons sont comme des roues de brie." "He said..." "What'd he say?" "I was really looking forward to taco night." "Oh, come on, Burt." "Your palate is so pedestrian." "Why don't you try something new?" "Sushi is the taco of the Far East." "Now, look." "You've got your protein, you've got your rice, and instead of a corn tortilla, it's all wrapped in a delicious piece of mori." "If you ignore-i what it's made of, it tastes pretty good." "How is that sea urchin, Burt?" "It's like the ocean sneezed in my mouth." "You know, all those years I've been following you guys around with a camera, and I feel like I've just walked right into the picture." "You know, we should have a family photo." " I love family photos." " With a theme." "I love family photos with themes!" "This is amazing." "I love costumes." "Oh, boy, do I have a parade to take you to next summer." "This is gonna be the best family photo ever." "Virginia, I gotta talk to you." " Isn't this the cat's pajamas?" " Yes." "But only because I think cat's pajamas are stupid." "I look like an idiot in this thing your dad picked out." " Oh, come on, Burt." "This is fun." " No, it's not fun." "Nothing's been fun since Arnold showed up." "Are you jealous because I'm spending time with my dad?" "No." "But I just know that he doesn't like the way I act or what I say or what I like to eat." " He doesn't like anything about me." " So what do you want me to do?" "He's my father." "Am I supposed to not see him anymore?" "I didn't say that." "I just would like him to go away and never come back." "He makes me uncomfortable, Virginia." "He's just too different than us." "Wish I could say I was surprised to hear that kind of intolerance from someone in this town." "He's right behind me, isn't he?" "Burt, that only works if he hasn't said anything." "Sorry to be so different from you, Burt." "Obviously, your husband doesn't approve of my lifestyle." "No, no." "Honestly, I didn't mean that." "It's just that everything you like to do makes me uncomfortable or sick." "Trying to be a part of your life was clearly a mistake." "I'm not one for melodrama, so..." "Good-bye forever." "Burt..." "I just got my dad back, and now you drove him away." "I can fix this." "Like when I broke your favorite mug." "The mug that makes me dizzy every time I drink from it?" "Good point." "I promise I will not use the same toxic glue to fix your dad." "Dad felt so bad about what happened with grandpa Arnold that he not only posed for the family picture, he decided to throw a party so the rest of Natesville could welcome Arnold home." "♪ For he's a jolly gay fellow" "♪ for he's a jolly gay fellow... ♪" "I forgive you, Natesville." "♪ Which nobody can deny." "And then I left a..." "A tenured position to become a freelance ethnomusicologist." "I once saw a man in a small African village who could perform an entire symphony using nothing but a rock and a human tooth." " Ah..." "Oh!" "Was it amazing?" " Oh, no, it was..." "It was excruciating." "But you had to admire the effort, right?" "He's been all over the world." "Even Canada." "Do your Canadian accent, dad." "Virginia's my daughter, eh?" " It's like we're at a hockey game." " This my birthday or my wake?" "Go get her back inside." "I don't want her to see my father and start gay-bashing." "Okay." "It's your wake and you're early." "Let's get you back inside." "What the hell is that depraved son of a bitch doing here?" "He's my father, and I invited him here." "This is still my house, and I don't want that kind of disgusting, immoral, deviant..." "Maw maw, you can't say stuff like that anymore." "Okay?" "It's 2013." "Damn it, this life is taking forever." "Look..." "We all accept my dad for who he is." "Nobody in Natesville cares anymore that he's gay." "He's gay?" "Well, I don't have a problem with gays." "I mean, Jimmy's gay, and I love him and his little husband." "Oh, that's the nicest thing she's ever said to me." "But that guy?" "He's a first-class narcissist." "Oh, "narcissist."" "I think we know what that's code for." "You fall asleep in the middle of sentences?" "He's a selfish jerk." "He doesn't care about anybody but himself." "That's why he left you and your mother." "He didn't leave." "He was run out of town." "Right?" "Well, "run out of town,"" ""made to feel unwelcome, unappreciated..." Same diff." " I don't think it really is the same." " That's easy for you to say." "You try being gay and raising a child in this town in the '70s." "You know, now that you mention it..." "My lesbian mothers raised me in this town in the '70s." "Sure, one of them had to dress up like a man to take me on the father-son canoe trip, but they toughed it out." "It didn't hurt that she already had a mustache and a closet full of flannels." "Lesbians." "Everybody loves lesbians." "You could've at least written her a letter." "Or not even a phone call?" "They had phones in the '70s." "Right?" " Yep." " Right." "Uhm, the phone company and-and gay people..." "You're clearly using your homosexuality as an excuse to cover up for your refusal to accept your parental responsibilities." "By the way, we haven't met." "I'm Frank." "It's a pleasure." "Once again, the haters of Natesville rear their ugly heads." "You know, you people are very interesting, because you don't seem to be able to change, do you?" "Maybe you're the one who hasn't changed." "'Cause now that I'm thinking about it, everything that we've done this week has been something you wanted to do." "We had that sushi dinner 'cause you wanted it." "You suggested taco Tuesday." "Do you honestly expect me to eat the street food of a migrant people?" "We went to that French movie 'cause you picked it." "Already saw the Swedish version." "And you insisted on the theme for our family picture." "Because I wanted to share it with my friends." "Don't you understand?" "Do you honestly expect me to show a photo of-of you guys dressed the way you normally do?" "Forgive me for trying to raise you to a higher level." "I think you should leave..." "Again." "But this time, it's my choice." "Good-bye forever." "I'm gonna take this because I look fantastic." "♪ Sometimes your dad's not here ♪" "♪ sometimes your dad's a big selfish... ♪" "Quit it, Shelley." "Dad invited everyone over that night to meet mom's father." "But in the end, it turned out they already knew her father, because paw paw was mom's real dad." "I'm sorry your gay father turned out to be a narcissist." "You okay?" "Yeah." "The truth is, I had a pretty good father figure." "And I guess it's good Arnold left when I was a baby." "Think of all the macaroni art I would have wasted on that guy." " Finger-paintings." " Ashtrays..." "Ugly ties." "He probably would've given me zero stars on the Father's Day breakfast I made him." "And besides..." "If I didn't have some daddy issues," "I might not have got knocked up at 15." "Then where would I be?"