"Eric!" "Eric!" "Donna, this is a tricky maneuver, okay?" "I need quiet." "Oh, my God!" "It's the cops!" "Eric, we're completely naked!" "I know." "Don't panic." " I, uh..." "I have a plan." " Okay." "Go away!" "That's the plan?" "That's not a good plan!" "Yeah." "No, that's the plan." "I mean, we're totally naked." "I think he'll probably just go away." "Crap." "Have you seen my pants?" " Where you going?" " Out." " Where?" " A place." "Who with?" "Doctors and stockbrokers." "Oh, holy hell." "And-And-And the heater is broken in the Vista Cruiser." "That's why it was so hot." "So, you know, naturally... we removed one or two articles of clothing... which, you know, in retrospect was probably not that good an idea." "Eric, how stupid do you think I am?" "You're right." "Should've cracked a window." "Good thinking." "Eric, we know what you were doing in the car." "No." " We don't know." " Trust me, we know." "No, no." "We don't know." "I know!" "I know!" "Of course you know." "You majored in it." " What were you thinking?" " Mr. Forman?" "Uh, it was my idea too." "So, um, please stop yelling at Eric because..." "What?" "Just play dead and cover your face." "No, Eric, it's okay." "What we did was a choice that we made... a choice we made as adults." "Oh, really?" " You're an adult?" " Don't answer." "It's a trap." "Yes, we're adults." "Okay, Donna." "Then as an adult..." "I expect you to go next door and tell Bob and Midge just exactly what happened tonight." "Okay." "I'll tell them." "Good." "And I'm gonna check to see that you did." "Oh, come on!" "Why would you do that?" "Donna, I won't keep something like this from your parents." "They think we're friends." " Hey, cool, man." "A C.B. Radio." " Yeah." "So I narrowed down my potential C.B. handles to two choices... either Stud Kickass or Flex Buffchest." "Gee, Kelso, what about Beef Dingleberry?" "Oh, great." "Now I got three choices." "Breaker 1-9, breaker 1-9." "This is Hot to Trot." " Foxy Lady." " And Nice and Easy." "Oh, my God." "They sound nice." "And easy." "Quick!" "Come on." "We need..." "We need handles so we can talk to 'em." "Okay, uh, uh..." "Oh!" "Oh!" " We'll be the Mod Squad." " That's perfect." "I'm Link." " I'm Link." " Why do you get to be Link?" "The magic 'fro, baby." "Okay." "Well, I got dibs on Pete." "Okay, then, what is my macho cop handle?" "Julie." "Breaker 1-9, breaker 1-9." "This is Pete." " I'm Link." " And Julie." "It is so nice to talk to you, my lovelies." "Hey, Julie, cool accent." "You sound sexy." "Accent?" "What the hell is she talking about?" " Somethin' on your mind?" " Yeah." "There's something important I wanna tell you guys." "Eric and I have been going out for a while now... and we did something you two should know about." "Yes?" "Well, see, Eric and I, uh... we, um... we... rode the Formans' motorcycle." "There, I said it." "Weight is just off my shoulders." "Donna, that was wrong." "But not as wrong as it could've been, 'cause it could've been..." "Sex!" "That's what I thought too!" "What?" "No!" "That's crazy." "That's-That's silly." "You guys are silly gooses." "You make me laugh, 'cause you're silly." "So the cops caught you doing it?" "Oh, my God." "That is such a turn-on!" "That is not a turn-on." "You're a little pervert." "Jackie, I have a big problem." "How am I gonna tell my parents?" "Okay." "If you need to use the bathroom you should go now, 'cause I have a lot to say." "No, I'm fine, thanks." "Okay." "Your first mistake... was wearing pants for car sex." "When you do it in the car, skirts are your best friend." "Zip, zip, bim, bam." "You're done, you're dressed, you're back at the mall." "Jackie, I'm screwed." "If I tell my parents, only one of two things could happen." "They'll either be furious, or they'll ask me how it was." "Okay, now, have some peas." "I'd rather have sex with Donna." "Mmm!" "Tapioca!" "Mmm!" "Sex with Donna!" "Well, you..." "you are just so cute." "Say "Ma-ma."" "Sex with Don-na." " No, baby, no." " Yes!" " No!" " Yes!" " No!" " No..." "Yes!" "No!" "No!" "No!" "Kitty." "Slut!" "What?" " Nothing." " Are you okay?" "I'm fine." "Kitty, when it's 3:00 on a Saturday afternoon... and you're still in bed, I know something's wrong." "Oh, Red, I'm fine." "Why should I care that my-my sweet, baby boy... was defiled by some jiggly, red-haired tramp?" "Kitty." "What I can't figure out is how she tricked him into it." "Look, it's not like we didn't know this was coming." "You're always showing Eric anatomical diagrams and charts and slides." "You've been prepping him since he was six." "Are you blaming me?" "No, no." "Heck no." "It's my fault." "Men are dirty." "It's..." " Well, good." " Kitty, I just want you to get out of bed." "You know, none of us have had lunch... and, uh, we're kind of hungry." "Well, it's a house full of grown men... and I would think that one of you fully grown men... would know how to make a damn sandwich!" " Well, maybe I should go..." " I sure as hell would!" "And when Bob and Midge look at me with their big, dumb eyes..." "I just..." "I can't find the words." "Okay, Donna, I've given this a lot of thought... and I think I should be the one to tell your parents we had sex." "Oh, my God." "Eric, that is so great." "Thank you." "What?" "No." "No!" "What?" "No!" "It was..." "It was a bluff." "I was bluffing to seem nice." "Oh, crap, this is a nightmare." " Fine." "I'll do it myself." " What..." "No, wait." "Look." "We told my parents together... so, hey, let's tell your parents together." "Thank you." "So, do you wanna go get it over with?" "Yeah." "Let's go tell your parents." " Okay." " Okay." "Donna, I wanna go with you, but my legs have gone numb." "Breaker 1-9, breaker 1-9." "This is Pete, Link and Julie." "We're lookin' for a 20 on Hot to Trot, Foxy Lady and Nice and Easy." " Over." " Hey, guys!" "Hello, Hot to Trot." "This is Julie." "I was just wondering, are you fat?" " Whoa, Fez!" " No, actually, that's not a bad question." "Well, why don't you guys come see for yourselves?" "We can meet tonight." "Oh, tonight?" "No, tonight we have to watch Love Boat, so I don't think..." "As soon as I heard you were down, Mrs. Forman..." "I had to come and see you... because I know the blues." "But, you know, the good news is Donna's on the pill... so they can do it, like... a zillion times a day, and nothing bad can happen." "Yep." "They could just do it and do it and do it and do it and do it." "Jackie." "Good." "You're here." "Get out." "But I'm trying to help." "Oh, you wanna help?" "Go make me a sandwich." "So, Kitty... think maybe, uh, it's time to get up?" " No." " Okay." "You know what?" "Kitty, you gotta shape up." "I can't believe that you're all surprised... that your 17-year-old is doing what 17-year-olds do." "Big deal!" "Now get the hell outta bed and buck up!" " Oh, geez, honey." "I'm sorry." " Get out!" "So, what do you kids need to tell us?" "I tried to guess, but my mind's a total blank." "Actually, Mrs. Pinciotti, Mr. Pinciotti... it's something I need to tell you." "Sorry." "I almost threw up." "I'm fine now." "You both know how much I respect your daughter, how much I love your daughter." "And, uh... funny thing about love..." "ha-ha, funny... is, uh, sometimes... we express it in a..." "in a physical way." "You better not say what I think you're gonna say... 'cause I'll be mad." "And funny thing about mad..." "ha-ha... is sometimes I express it in a physical way." "I love your daughter, and I totally respect her." "And I never stopped respecting her... even when the cops came." "Well, I'm sorry, Eric, but I still gotta twist your neck shut." "Dad, you know, you shouldn't be threatening Eric." "You should be, uh, thanking him." " What?" " What?" "Wow!" "He's treated me like a queen since the day we started dating." "Eric and I have sex." "There." "You know." "At least I have a nice boyfriend and not some juvenile delinquent." "Like that Fonzie." "Well, that..." "that's nice." "And at least Eric had the guts to come over here and tell you man to man." "Well, I'm happy for you." "And thank you for being honest." "That took a lot of courage." "Didn't it, Bob?" "I'm goin' to bed." "So, how was it?" "Oh, God." "Boy, oh, boy." "I tell ya, Eric." "You take the cake." "Oh, man, there's cake?" "There's no cake." "We're all starving to death, and it's all your fault." "You broke your mother's heart." "She's up there crying about how you're all grown up... and you don't need her anymore." "But that..." "that's not true." "Oh, I know that." "You're a helpless idiot." "Huh." "Okay." "Uh, I could pretend I need help with my homework." "Oh, no." "No one gives a crap about that." " Okay." "Oh!" "I could pretend to be sick." " No, that..." "Wait a minute." "That might work." "She mothered the heck out of you when you broke your leg that time." "Right." "I could say I have a fever." "Or, better yet, we could go out to the garage..." "I hit you in the elbow with a baseball bat." "I'm gonna stick with the fever." "You wanna go through life doing everything half-assed, that's your decision, Son." "Okay." "They said they'd wait out front." "Here we go." "Cold beer and hot babes." "Or vice versa." "Hey, guys, did we get a "yes" or a "no" on the fat question?" "Oh, goody." "They're not fat." "They're just old." "If your voice is hot, then you should be hot." "Those are the rules!" "Damn old ladies with hot voices." " Let's go." " No, no, no." "I'm staying." " You two are shallow." " I'm not shallow, Fez." "I just judge chicks on their looks." "Suit yourself." "But sometimes, the old ones... are super grateful." "Yeah." "Okay, Fez." "But if you wind up in some car feeling up June Cleaver, don't come crying to me." "Yeah!" "Hello, my lovelies." "I am Julie." "Which one of you is Hot to Trot?" " Julie?" " Yes?" " Hey!" "You made it." "I'm Hot to Trot." " I'm Foxy Lady." "And I'm Nice and Easy." "You're not fat..." "or old at all." "Of course not." "We're gymnasts." "Dear Penthouse..." "I'm really sick..." "Mommy." "And I don't have anyone to take care of me." "Well, you do feel a little warm." "Right, 'cause I'm sick." "Or you stuck a hot towel on your head, Eric." "Fine, I'm not sick." "I just..." "I didn't want you to be mad anymore, Mom." "Oh, honey, I'm not mad." "I'm just horribly, horribly depressed." "Look, Mom..." "I'm not all grown up, and I do still need you for stuff." " Oh, you do not." " Sure, I do." "Really?" "For what?" "List it." "I need you to love me." "I need you to..." "I really need you to get out of bed because Dad's been making my life extra miserable." "Well, okay." "That one I buy." " So, are we okay now?" " Oh, honey." "No." "Well, I'm sorry." "I just..." "I don't like you growing up... and I don't like it and I'm not gonna." "But I-I guess... it's just something I'm gonna have to get used to." "You know what, Mom?" "I'm always gonna need you... because chances are..." "Dad's gonna be riding my ass for the rest of my life." "Yeah." "You really do rub him the wrong way, honey." "How you doin'?" "That's a..." "That's a really nice robe." "Uh, is that real velour?" "Hey, those gas prices are, like, aah!" "Right?" "It's a shame about Elvis." "Too soon." "So... young."