"ARCHER:" "Whatdo youmean, your water broke?" "!" "LANA:" "Whatdo youmean,what  do I mean?" "I mean that!" "I'm going into labor!" "CHERLENE:" "Wait." "What?" "!" "LANA:" "I 'mhavingababy?" "CHERLENE:" "Gross!" "ARCHER:" "Bu-Butit 'searly." "Is-is that early?" "!" "LANA:" "Like,tendays,but..." "ARCHER:" "Butthat'sbad ." "Is that bad?" "!" "LANA:" "Archer,noneofthis  is ideal!" "HOLLY:" "Hey!" "HOLLY:" "Whatthehellareyou people doing in San Marcos in the first place?" "!" "LANA:" "Sellingweaponsto Calderón!" "ARCHER:" "Thatwe gotfromhim!" "HOLLY:" "What?" "!" "HOLLY:" "Whatwhat?" "You didn't think that was something I'd like to know about?" "!" "SLATER:" "I 'mpositivewe  talked about this." "HOLLY:" "No,we didn't!" "HOLLY:" "When?" "!" "Whendid we talk about this?" "!" "SLATER:80%positive." "If the CIA is backing the rebels against Calder..." "Ohhh!" "ARCHER:" "Lana!" "Was that a contraction?" "!" "LANA:" "Yup." "Ohh!" "God, I hope so." "Yup." "ARCHER:" "Time!" "Start a clock, assholes!" "SLATER:" "Uh,okay." "Mark!" "(beep) CHERLENE:" "Twain!" "No, that's barges." "LANA:" "Shutup !" "(groans) But, hey, speaking of time..." "ARCHER:" "What'syourBishop Score?" "!" "LANA:" "HowshouldI...?" "Wait ." "How do you even know what a Bishop Score is?" "ARCHER:" "I gotcertifiedasa  doula, which, turns out, is not that hard." "Does the CIA know Calderón has a nerve gas missile at the palace?" "ARCHER:" "What?" "!" "CHERLENE:" "Cool." "HOLLY:" "Wedidn'tgivehim gas!" "LANA:" "Well,he 'sgotit,  and we can't override the launch sequence, so we've..." "HOLLY:" "Getthatidiot Calderón on the phone!" "ARCHER:" "Oh,didImention,a tiger ate him?" "HOLLY:" "What?" "!" "CHERLENE:" "Well,notate ate ." "ARCHER:" "Well,no ,butby now..." "Okay, Slater, I know it's a little sooner than we wanted, but..." "SLATER:" "OperationDropkick." "Roger that." "LANA:" "What'sOperation Dropkick?" "HOLLY:" "Well,theendgamehas always been for us to invade" "SLATER:" "Hey,Donna,wegota  carrier group in the Gulf, right?" "LANA:" "Wait." "If youweregoing to invade San Marcos, then why have you been selling weapons to Calderón?" "HOLLY:" "Sohe couldfightthe rebels." "HOLLY:" "Well,technically, they're mercenaries from" "Honduras and Guatemala, but yes." "LANA:" "Okay,so ,am Ijust stupid, or...?" "CHERLENE:" "Duh." "Pregnant." "SLATER:" "Yeah,airstrike, naval bombardment, amphibious" "HOLLY:" "Calderónneeded weapons to fight the rebels, but he didn't have money to buy weapons." "He only had cocaine, but Iran was like, "No way." "Cash only."" "So..." "ARCHERLANA:" "Iran?" "!" "HOLLY:" "Ooh,sorry." "Iraq." "Wait." "No, Iran." "No, doesn't matter who." "Anyway, to buy the weapons, we needed to... monetize the cocaine." "(Lana gasps) LANA:" "Oh,my God." "We've been trying to monetize cocaine for, like..." "I mean, you even came to the house, where we..." "We've been selling cocaine for the CIA so they could buy arms from Iran?" "!" "Did we at least free some hostages?" "!" "HOLLY:" "No,thiswas aboutour annual budget." "ARCHERLANA:" "What?" "!" "HOLLY:" "Ifwe don'tspendit this year, we can't get an increase next year." "ARCHER:" "Yousonofa ..." "HOLLY:" "Oh,comeon, Archer." "Drop the act!" "He was in on it from day one." "ARCHERLANA:" "What?" "!" "(Lana growls) (Archer chokes)" "(Cherlene squeals and laughs) (Archer chokes)" "LANA:" "Youlyingson ofa  bitch!" "(Archer gasps, mutters) LANA:" "Youknewaboutthis the entire time?" "!" "ARCHER:" "No,no ." "(Archer choking) (Cherlene squeals)" "SLATER:" "Hey,do youmind?" "I'm trying to call in an air strike here." "HOLLY:" "Ooh,hey,what'sour ride situation?" "SLATER:" "Hangon ." "Thanks, doll." "Air strike on the palace is a go, and I suggest we take" "HOLLY:" "Good." "Yeah,weneed  plenty of room... until we dump them at a black site." "(Archer gasps, coughs) HOLLY:" "Comeon ,evenifyou people hadn't lost 50 million bucks worth of our cocaine, you know way too much." "CHERLENE:" "Uh,Idon 'tknow anything!" "HOLLY:" "I believethattobe literally true." "Oye, muchachos!" "Agarrenlos!" "(Lana grunts) (grunting)" "(gun cocks, Lana yells) HOLLY:" "Okay." "Whoa!" "Whoa!" "SLATER:" "Jesus!" "We giveup." "HOLLY:" "Whoa!" "Whoa!" "Comeon." "SLATER:" "Don'tshoot!" "(Lana sighs) LANA:" "Nowthen." "Let's get this baby out of me." "CHERLENE:" "Gross!" "LANA:" "Willyoush... (Lana groans loudly) ARCHER( weakly):" "Time?" "!" "SLATER:" "Nineminutes!" "What?" "This is exciting." "KRIEGER:" "Right?" "FEMALECOMPUTERVOICE:" "Minutes to launch-- 60." "RAY:" "Yeah,Krieger,Iguess trying to defuse a warhead tipped with deadly nerve gas is technically exciting." "KRIEGER:" "Yeah,right?" "RAY:" "Whatis wrongwithyou?" "KRIEGER:" "Nothin',Roy." "RAY:" "OrRay." "KRIEGER:" "Eh." "Doesn'tmatter who." "CYRIL:" "Krieger!" "(Krieger and Ray gasp) CYRIL:" "Whereareweonthe missile?" "!" "KRIEGER:" "Uh,kindofjust  like... on it." "Oh, do you mean where are we in the process of disarming it?" "Ooh!" "Ow!" "Ow!" "Ow!" "Ow!" "(Cyril sighs) Ow!" "Come on." "Ow!" "Ow!" "CYRIL:" "Okay." "MALORY:" "Whathappened?" "!" "Did it explode?" "!" "CYRIL:" "Uh,no ." "MALORY:" "Well,it 'sjusta matter of time before it does, with those idiots working on it!" "We need to leave!" "CYRIL:" "Well,A:" "I'm president for life, so I'm not going anywhere, and B..." "COMANDANTE:" "SeñorPresidente!" "Our radar station has detected incoming bombers!" "From their heading, they appear..." "American!" "(Malory gasps) (Cyril clears his throat)" "CYRIL:" "AndB..." "COMANDANTE:" "AndIhateto tell you this, but the First" "Lady and I are having an affair." "(Cyril sniffles) CYRIL:" "Damn,dawg." "That was my B." "JULIANA:" "It'sover,Cyril." "It's over!" "CYRIL:" "Nothingis over!" "Nothing!" "You don't just turn it off!" "It wasn't my war!" "You asked me." "I didn't ask you!" "And I did what I had to do to win!" "But somebody wouldn't let us win!" "MALORY:" "Yes,andthat somebody is a U.S. Navy carrier group, so let's go already!" "(Cyril sniffles) CYRIL:" "Okay,butI'm taking these." "MALORY( laughing):" "Oh,we 're taking everything!" "Furs, jewels, the silverware, bullion, anything you can cram in a suitcase!" "PAM:" "Mm,mm ." "Wouldn'tbullion leak out of a...?" "Ow!" "Ow!" "Cut it..." "Ow, goddamn it!" "I..." "Ow!" "MALORY:" "Goldbullion,you  idiot!" "PAM:" "I don'tknowwhatthat  is!" "JULIANA:" "AndIdon 'tknowwho you think you are!" "MALORY:" "Oh,yes,weare, and if you've got any sense, you'll fill your pockets, too!" "Because your regime is officially over." "And I've seen coups from Angola to Zanzibar, and this is how it ends: in the trunk of a taxi to the airport, your belly full of diamonds and vodka, praying your driver doesn't rat you out to the Reds at the last checkpoint." "Because then, the last thing you'll ever hear, besides a pistol cocking behind your head, is Ivan's laugh" "(Pam cackling) MALORY:" "What...in thename of God... is funny?" "!" "PAM( laughing):" "Yousaid you've seen cooze." "(Pam clears her throat) Appropes." "(Pam grunts) REBELSOLDIER1:" "Vamonos!" "Los Americanos vienen!" "REBELSOLDIERS:" "Corre!" "Corre!" "Corre!" "REBELSOLDIER2:" "Espere!" "Espere!" "Esp-- wughh!" "CHERLENE:" "Aww..." "All the gardeners are running away." "HOLLY:" "Becausethisentire country's about to be up to its" "SLATER:" "Andunlessyou people want to wind up classified as enemy combatants, you... (gunfire) ARCHER:" "Sixminutes!" "Got to remember to breathe, though." "That's the..." "LANA:" "Oh,getout ,you lying sack of bastard!" "ARCHER:" "Okay,A:" "He and Mother are the lying sacks of bastard." "I didn't know it was the CIA's cocaine." "And B:" "Seriously, buddy, let's try and work on that breathing." "CHERLENE:" "What'swrongwith her?" "ARCHER:" "Wha...?" "She's having a baby!" "CHERLENE:" "Gross." "(Cherlene slurping) (Lana breathing rapidly)" "ARCHER:" "Doinggood,buddy." "LANA:" "Archer!" "If you call me buddy again, I will put the bullets in your body by hand!" "ARCHER:" "Shh,andwe're breathing... (both breathe deeply) LANA( exhaling):" "Ooh..." "ARCHER:" "Therewe go ." "Okay, Carol!" "(Cherlene slurps) CHERLENE:" "What?" "Jesus!" "What is your problem!" "LANA:" "Morphine,want,find, give!" "ARCHER:" "Shh." "Comeon, Lana, you don't need that." "LANA( gasps):" "Howdareyou  tell me what I..." "Okay, Carol, I need you to look down there and give me a sit-rep." "CHERLENE:" "Downwhere?" "ARCHER:" "There,downthere,at her, um..." "CHERLENE:" "Ew!" "No !" "Youdoit!" "SLATER:" "I 'lldoit !" "I can't look down there because there's, like, a hundred percent chance that at some point in the future we're gonna have sex, so..." "ARCHER:" "Shh." "So justlook down there and..." "CHERLENE:" "I 'mnotlookingat her goddamn va..." "Joinks!" "Well, you don't need to shave." "(laughs) That thing is smooth." "LANA:" "I ...!" "Thank you." "CHERLENE:" "Andalsokindof mauve." "LANA( sighs):" "Okay." "SLATER:" "Eh,I'dsay moreofa mauve-taupe?" "Ow!" "(Lana grunting loudly) ARCHER:" "Breathe,bu ... breathe, friend." "Because, uh..." "Wow." "Okay." "FEMALECOMPUTERVOICE:" "Minutes to launch... six... (Gillette yells) (Krieger screaming)" "GILLETTE:" "Wherethe... (approaching footsteps, screaming continues)" "KRIEGER( panting):" "Okay..." "I have some thoughts on this." "GILLETTE:" "Really?" "KRIEGER:" "Yes." "GILLETTE:" "Whichare...?" "!" "KRIEGER:" "Oh." "Okay." "So, I don't think we can disarm this thing." "GILLETTE:" "Really?" "KRIEGER:" "Yes." "Oh." "Okay." "So, it doesn't have an explosive payload, so it's basically just a flying trash can." "The only dangerous part is the nerve gas." "(jet engines whooshing) GILLETTE:" "I 'mlistening." "COPILOT( overradio):" "Roger that, flight deck." "Um..." "PILOT:" "Range--150." "ETA-- 12 minutes." "COPILOT:" "Hey,is yourdad  still big into tapas?" "PILOT:" "Mywhat?" "Oh, no, that wasn't my dad." "COPILOT:" "Well,whowas it?" "PILOT:" "Doesn'tmatterwho ." "PAM:" "Becausethesetrunks feel light." "Do you swear they're full of cocaine?" "MALORY:" "AsGod...ismy witness." "PAM:" "Godhatesyou ." "Open 'em up." "MALORY:" "Wha...?" "(horn honking) CYRIL:" "Willyoutwo comeon?" "!" "PAM:" "Onwhat?" "MALORY:" "Ugh!" "(jets whooshing) MALORY( gasps):" "Ifwe getout  of here alive, I'll buy you all new cocaine." "PAM:" "Youheardher ,Cyril-- that is legally binding." "CYRIL:" "Yeah,we 'llstop at a notary." "MALORY:" "There'sno time!" "SLATER:" "Hey." "Hi !" "Do you people hear that?" "HOLLY:" "Aftertheair strike on the palace, you won't be able to swing a dead cat around here without hitting a Marine." "CHERLENE:" "Plus,if youdid ,I bet they'd smash your teeth down your stupid throat." "ARCHER:" "Okay,uh ..." "Lana, I need to borrow your weapon." "LANA:" "No!" "Iwillseeyouin  Hell first." "ARCHER:" "I ..." "Okay,Carol, grab that one." "(cocks weapon) CHERLENE:" "PrivateMe , reporting for sploosh." "ARCHER( groans):" "Take Tweedledick and Tweedleballs, go get the jet ready for takeoff..." "CHERLENE:" "Outlawcountry!" "ARCHER:" "Letme finish!" "ARCHER:" "Andmakesurethey  don't escape." "CHERLENE:" "Oh,my God,good thing you added that last part." "You heard the doula-- move it!" "LANA:" "Andgetmesome  frickin' morphine!" "ARCHER:" "Lana,comeon, what kind of doula would I be if I let you have more... (rifle clicks) ARCHER:" "Wha...?" "(Lana grunting loudly) ARCHER:" "Wow." "ARCHER( chuckling):" "Youwere really gonna shoot me in the face?" "LANA( sniffles):" "Isthatso much to ask?" "COPILOT:" "Uncle." "Uh, friend of the family." "PILOT:" "Dude." "Dropit." "(classical piano music playing) COMANDANTE:" "Weshouldget to the shelter soon." "JULIANA:" "Youcoward." "COMANDANTE:" "Wha...?" "JULIANA:" "I 'veneverloved you." "(Comandante sighs) COMANDANTE:" "Okay." "CYRIL:" "Butwhatiftherebels recognize me?" "PAM:" "Yeah,andthendrag him out of the car and kneel him down and shoot him in the back of the head and string him up on a lamppost like Mussolini!" "CYRIL:" "Yeah." "Whatthen?" "MALORY:" "That'sachanceI'm willing to take." "PAM:" "Metoo." "(Pam munching, chewing) MALORY:" "Cyril,look... (Cyril screaming) (Krieger and Gillette screaming)" "(all screaming) (screaming stops)" "(song playing quietly on radio) KRIEGER:" "Hi,guys." "MALORY:" "Whatthehellareyou idiots... (rumbling) (song continues on radio):" "¶ It's them broken hearts..." "KRIEGER:" "Oh,comeon, we couldn't leave it in the rocket." "(car thuds, all gasp) And we couldn't just leave it lying in the road." "Come on, you don't want a thing like that falling into the wrong" "The only thing necessary for evil to triumph is that good men do nothing." "MALORY:" "Saidthecloneof Adolf Hitler." "KRIEGER:" "Well..." "Edmund Burke, but..." "Doesn't matter who." "(over radio): ¶ ...auto parts This year. ¶" "(rattling) PILOT:" "Dude,dropit." "COPILOT:" "I 'mnotgonnajudge you." "PILOT:" "Theordnance,Mike." "Drop the ordnance." "COPILOT( chuckles):" "Oh." "Duh." "PILOT( sighs):" "Idiot." "(explosions thundering) MALORY:" "Cyril,forGod 's sake, be careful!" "CYRIL:" "Wouldyoushutup?" "(all gasping, grunting) MALORY:" "Idiot." "(Lana screaming) OTHERS:" "Huh?" "Whatthe ...?" "MALORY:" "Lana?" "(Lana screaming) LANA:" "Archer!" "What... are you doing?" "ARCHER:" "I 'mtryingto get this stupid angle right, Lana, so you can look in the mirror and see if you're crowning." "LANA:" "What?" "!" "MALORY:" "Fortheloveof Christ!" "ARCHER:" "Mother,hey,goover  there and tell me if you can..." "MALORY:" "Getout!" "And, Pam, get in here." "LANA( panting):" "No,no ..." "MALORY:" "Shh..." "Everything's all right." "Here." "All right, now, Pam, I want you to..." "PAM:" "Youknowhow manytimes I've helped a cow give birth in the barn?" "Plus, one time, my sister Edie?" "Well, she couldn't have it in the house." "Long story." "A long, racist story." "RAY:" "I hadblackguy ." "CYRIL:( groans)I wasn'tin  the sperm donor pool." "RAY:" "Phra..." "Wait,are we still doing phrasing?" "KRIEGER:" "Huh." "Should I be in there?" "I feel like I should." "I mean, I am a doctor." "RAYCYRIL:" "No, you 'renot ." "KRIEGER:" "Well,no ,but... a student of life." "(Archer grunting, loud crashing) RAY:" "Loud." "(more crashing) I have cigarettes, if you want them!" "ARCHER:( grunts)No,Ray,I just feel like smashing stuff." "Jesus, I feel so helpless out here!" "What if something goes wrong?" "What-what if there's a-a birth defect or..." "LANA:( grunts)No." "No ,no , stop." "No, what if there's aren't enough hands and feet?" "MALORY:" "Shh,it 'sgoingto..." "LANA:" "Oh,my God,whatif there are too many hands and feet?" "PAM:" "Hey!" "Ihavethecorrect number of hands, but they're currently kind of full and you need a slappin', so..." "LANA:" "Wait...(gasps) MALORY:" "Oh,please." "Like you're the only one who ever had a baby in a war zone." "LANA:" "Youknow..." "PAM:" "Okay,okay,okay." "Get some hay ready to dry this little bastard off because now you are gonna push!" "LANA:( grunts)No,no ,no , no, what if we..." "Ow!" "PAM:" "Youoldbitch!" "Now move that big fat smelly ass, you hear?" "A Day No Pigs Would Die?" "Anybody?" "Not a big Robert Newton Peck crowd, huh?" "MALORY:" "Whois ..." "PAM:" "Oh,shutup." "Now push!" "(Lana screaming) ARCHER:( gasps)Lana!" "CYRIL:" "Hey,hey,comeon, they've got this." "(baby crying) (all gasp)" "(Archer laughs) (Cyril grunts)" "PAM:" "Well,it 'sagirl!" "OTHERS:" "Aw!" "PAM:" "Andwhoeverhad black guy, pay up." "ARCHER:" "Aw,shit." "RAY:" "Goddamnit !" "PAM:" "Yep." "Got ourselves a little quadroon." "MALORY:( sighs)Youdidgood, kiddo." "LANA( dreamily):" "Mmm,yeah." "Oh, and, uh, I quit." "MALORY:" "Wha..." "Why?" "LANA:" "Becauseyoulyingtome  I can handle" " I'm used to that-- but... (sighs) not Archer." "MALORY:" "Oh,for..." "Hedidn 't know that I made a deal to sell cocaine for the CIA." "MALORY:" "LanaKane,you have known me for a long, long time." "When have I ever been honest with Sterling?" "LANA:" "Huh." "MALORY:" "Exactly." "Now, if you two will excuse me, I need to go threaten and/or bribe some federal agents." "Well, at least put a seatbelt on it!" "ARCHER:" "See?" "KRIEGER:" "I thoughtit was just for takeoff and landing!" "MALORY:" "JesusChrist." "ARCHER:" "So,um ,how'sshe  doing?" "I told her you didn't know anything about the CIA deal." "ARCHER:" "Well,thanksfor  telling the truth, Mother-- sure" "MALORY:" "Youkeepitup, mister, and I'll walk right back in there and tell her the whole thing was your idea." "ARCHER:" "Didyouguyshear  that?" "OTHERS:" "No." "MALORY:" "Allright,Holly, this is my offer and it is nonnegotiable..." "PAM:( gasps)Youthinkshe 's buying more coke?" "CHERLENE:( groans)Youand your stupid, stupid cocaine!" "Can't you give her a brain chip?" "KRIEGER:" "A what?" "Like you gave Cherlene so she could become a country singer." "KRIEGER:" "Oh,no ,thatwasn't a brain chip." "It was just the sticker off the backpack of a little Lego spaceman." "PAM:" "What?" "CYRIL:" "A Legosticker?" "So my whole life, all I ever had to do was believe in myself?" "And inject a sticker into my brain?" "HOLLY:" "Areyouout ofyour  mind?" "Showing up at the mansion, pretending to search for the" "HOLLY:" "Whileplantingthe  seed in your idiot son's brain" "MALORY:" "WhichIcouldhave  handled if the CIA had kept its fat nose out!" "HOLLY:" "Andyethereweare, with a $50 million hole in our account." "MALORY:" "There's40 of it ." "An original Ivan Blitko we stole from Calderón." "HOLLY:" "Whatam Isupposedto do with that?" "What am I supposed to do with a canister of nerve gas?" "HOLLY:" "No,uh-uh." "That is now CIA property." "MALORY:" "Ooh,andwon 'tthat be a feather in your cap." "They might even make you director." "HOLLY:" "Hmm...or at least Deputy Ops." "MALORY:" "Which--andI'm just spitballing here-- would mean you could outsource a good deal of business to a private firm." "(Malory slurps) Like ISIS." "HOLLY:" "Soyouloseus$50 million and you want to get on the CIA payroll?" "MALORY:" "Rightafteryou  renovate my offices." "HOLLY:" "Ha!" "Youreallyareout of your mind." "MALORY:" "OrrightafterItake this deal to your partner in the cockpit..." "RAY:" "So,what'syourdeal ?" "SLATER:" "What'smy deal?" "RAY:" "Nevermind." "MALORY:" "Becauseyousuddenly decided to take up skydiving." "(cocks gun) HOLLY:" "I thinkwe mayhavea deal here." "(knocking) ARCHER:" "Knock,knock." "LANA:" "Who'sthere?" "ARCHER:" "Shit,I-Ihad  something for this." "LANA:( sighs)Comeseethe  baby, stupid." "ARCHER:" "Wow." "LANA:" "Yeah." "ARCHER:" "Wow." "LANA:( sighs)Yeah." "ARCHER:" "I-Ihadblackguy." "LANA:" "Yeah." "So ,aboutthat..." "ARCHER:" "I don'tthinkit's racist, it's just that I thought..." "LANA:" "Archer,shutup." "ARCHER:( chuckles) You shut up." "(clears throat) Okay, so, remember when you had cancer?" "ARCHER:( chuckles)Um,uh , vaguely." "LANA:( sighs)Okay." "Well, we all thought you were gonna die." "And one night you got really drunk and we almost had sex and, right before you passed out, you told me Malory had convinced you to freeze a bunch of your sperm at Dr. Feldman's office." "(high-pitched ringing) And then you didn't die, and then a few years went by and I started thinking about having a baby, but I was single." "And all the other stuff aside, physically, you're an amazing human being." "And all the other other stuff aside, I do actually love you." "(muffled):" "And so here's this viable sample just sitting there at Dr. Feldman's, whose security system is a joke, by the way." "And so I guess it maybe wasn't the most ethical thing I've ever done in my entire life, but... (echoing):" "Archer?" "Archer." "ARCHER:" "Wuzzat?" "!" "Wait, wait, huh, huh?" "What?" "LANA:" "Youokay?" "ARCHER:( exhales)Yeah." "Sorry." "For a second, I-I thought I was just now coming out of a coma from when I drowned, saving your life eight months ago." "(Archer sighs) Lana, am I just now coming out of a coma from when I drowned saving your life eight months ago?" "LANA:" "No." "ARCHER:" "Hmm." "Lana, am I just now coming out of a coma from when I drowned, saving your life eight months ago?" "LANA:" "No." "ARCHER:" "Thenwhatare you ..." "Baby, what is she saying?" "Baby?" "Baby." "Baby!" "(baby cooing) ARCHER:" "M-meep." "LANA:" "SterlingArcher,I'd  like you to meet your daughter," "Abbiejean." "(Abbiejean cooing)" "Captioned by MediaAccessGroupatWGBH  access.wgbh.org" "MAN:" "Made...in Georgia."