"All right Jim, your quarterlies look very good." "How are things going at the library?" "Oh, I told you I couldn't close it, so..." "So you've come to the master for guidance?" "Is this what you're saying, grasshopper?" "Actually you called me in here, but yeah." "All right, well let me show you how it's done." "Yes, I'd like to speak to your office manager, please." "Yes, hello, this is Michael Scott, I am the regional manager of Dundler Mifflin Paper Products." "Just wanted to talk to you "manager-a-manager"." "All right, done deal!" "Thank you very much sir, you're a gentleman and a scholar." "Oh, I'm sorry, OK, I'm sorry, my mistake." "That was a woman I was talking to... she had a very low voice." "Probably a smoker." "So..." "So that's the way it's done." "I've been at Dundler Mifflin for 12 years, the last four as regional manager" "If you want to come through here," "See, we have the entire floor" "So this is my kingdom, as far as the eye can see." "Ah, this is our receptionist, Pam." "Pam, Pam Pam!" "Pam Beesly." "Pam has been with us for... for ever, right Pam?" "Well, I don't know..." "If you think she's cute now you should have seen her a couple of years ago!" "What?" "Any messages?" "Yeah, just a fax" "Pam, this is from corporate." "How many times have I told you that there's a special filing cabinet for things from corporate?" "You haven't told me!" "It's called the waste paper basket." "Look at that!" "Look at that face!" "People say I'm the best boss." "They go, "God, we've never worked in a place like this before, you're hilarious, and you get the best out of us."" "I think that pretty much sums it up" "I found it at Spencer Gifts." "My job is to speak to clients on the phone about quantities and type of copier paper." "You know, whether we can supply to them whether they can pay for it and..." "I'm boring myself just talking about this." "I still love that after seven years!" "What?" "Nothing" "Ok, all right." "See you later" "All right, take care." "Back to work." "Corporate really doesn't interfere with me at all, Jan Levinson-Gould" "Jan, hello!" "I call her Hillary Rodham Clinton, right?" "Not to her face, because not because I'm scared of her, because I'm not... but... yeah." "All right, was there anything you wanted to add to the agenda?" "Me no get an agenda." "I'm sorry, what?" "I didn't get any agenda." "Well, I faxed one over to you this morning." "Really?" "Cause I didn't... did we get a fax this morning?" "Yeah, the one..." "Why isn't it in my hand?" "Because a company runs on efficiency of communication, right?" "So what's the problem Pam, why I didn't get it?" "You put it in the garbage can that was a special filing cabinet." "Yeah, that was a joke, that was actually my brother's, it was supposed to be with bills and doesn't work great with faxes." "Do you want to look at mine?" "Yeah." "Thank you." "OK, since the last meeting, Alan and the board have decided that we can't justify the Scranton branch and the Stanford branch" "Oh, ok..." "No, Michael don't panic" "No no no no, this is good, this is fine, excellent" "Michael, listen, don't panic" " Although the alarm bells are going off..." " We haven't made any decisions yet," "I've spoken to Joshua in Stanford I've told him the same as you and it's up to either you or him to convince me that your branch can incorporate the other" "OK, no problem" "This does, however, mean that there is going to be downsizing" "Me no wanna hear that, Jan because downsizing is a bitch, it is a real bitch, and I wouldn't wish that on Josh's men," "I certainly wouldn't wish it on my men, or women - present company excluded... sorry." "is Josh concerned about downsizing himself?" "Not "downsizing himself", but is he concerned about downsizing?" "Question:" "How long do we have to..." "Oh, Todd Packer, terrific rept, do you mind if I take it?" "Go right ahead." "Pac man!" "Hey, you big queen!" "Oh, that's not... appropriate" "Hey, is old Godzillary coming in today?" "I don't know what you mean" "Look, I've been meaning ask her one question" "Does the carpet match the drapes?" "Oh my god!" "That's horrifying!" "Horrible" "Horrible person!" "So do you think we can keep... a lid on this for now?" "I don't want to worry people unnecessarily." "No, absolutely." "Under this regime, it will not leave this office." "So what does downsizing actually mean?" "Well..." "You guys gotta update your resumes, just like I'm doing." "I bet it's gonna be me, probably." "Yeah, it'll be you." "I have an important question for you." "Yes?" "Are you going to Angela's cat-party on Sunday?" "Yeah, stop." "That's ridiculous." "Am I gonna tell them?" "No I'm not going to tell them, I don't see the point of that." "As a doctor, you would not tell a patient if they had cancer." "This is Mister Scott." " Guilty, guilty as charged!" "Ryan Howard, from the temp agency" "Deniqua sent me down here to start today" "Howard, like Moe Howard, "Three Stooges"?" "Right here, high five!" "Oh Pam, that's a guy thing, Pam." "I'm sort of a student of comedy." "I'm Hitler, Adolf Hitler" "I don't think it would be the worst thing, if they let me go." "Because, then I might..." "It's just, I don't think it's many a little girl's dream to be a receptionist." "I like to do illustrations, mostly water color, a few oil pencil." "Jim thinks they're good." "Dundler Mifflin, this is Pam." "Sure." "Uh, Mr. Davis, let me call you right back." "Yeah, something just came up, 2 minutes." "Thank you very much." "Dwight, what are you doing?" " What?" " What are you doing?" "Just clearing my desk, I can't concentrate." " It's not on your desk." " It's overlapping." "It's all spilling over the edge." "One word, two syllables: demarcation." " You can't do that." " Why not?" "Safety violation, I could fall and pierce an organ." "We'll see." "See, this is why the whole downsizing thing just doesn't bother me." "Downsizing?" "I have no problem with that." "I have been recommending downsizing since I first got here." "I even brought it up in my interview." "I say, bring it on!" "You just still have 8 messages from yesterday." " Relax, everything's under control." "Yeah, yeah, yeah, oh that's important, right." "Oh, this is so important, I should run to answer it." "What?" "Come on." "Six Million Dollar Man!" "Steve Austin!" "Actually, that would be a good salary for me, don't you think?" "Six million dollars?" "Memo to Jan:" "I deserve a raise." "Don't we all?" "I'm sorry?" "Nothing!" "If you're unhappy with your compensation, maybe you should take it up with HR [Human Resources]" "OK?" "Not today, OK, Pam?" "Just... be professional." "I think I'm a role model here, I think I garner people's respect." "Attention all Dundler Mifflin employees, please we have a meeting in the conference room ASAP" "People I respect, heroes of mine, would be:" "Bob Hope," "Abraham Lincoln, definitely," "Bono, and probably God would be the fourth one." "And I just think all those people really helped the world, in so many ways, that it's, it's really beyond words." "It's really uncalculable." "Now, I know there are some rumors out there, and I just kind of want to see..." "I'm Assistant Regional Manager, I should know first." "Assistant to the Regional Manager." "OK." "Can you just tell me, please?" "Just tell me quietly." "Can you whisper it in my ear?" "I'm just about to tell everyone." "Please, OK." "Do you want me to tell them?" "You don't know what it is!" "OK, you tell them, with my permission." "I don't need..." "Permission granted." "Go ahead." "Corporate has deemed it appropriate to enforce an ultimatum upon me, and Jan is thinking about downsizing either the Stanford branch or this branch." "I heard they might be closing this branch down," "That's just..." "That's just the rumor going around, this is my first day, I don't really know." "Yeah, but Michael, what if they downsize here?" "Not gonna happen." "It could be out of your hands, Michael." "It won't be out of my hands, Stanley, OK?" "I promise you that." "Can you promise that?" "On his mother's grave." "Well, yeah, it is a promise, and frankly I'm a little bit insulted that you have to keep asking about it." "It's just that we need to know." "Hold on a second, I think Pam wanted to say something." "Pam?" "You had a look that you wanted to ask a question, just then?" "I was in the meeting with Jan and she did say that it could be this branch that gets the axe." "Are you sure about that?" "Pam?" "Maybe you should stick to the ongoing confidentiality agreement of meetings." "Pam, information is power." "So you can't say for sure whether it's gotta to be us or them." "No, no, no, Stanley, no, you did not see me in there with her." "I said, if corporate wants to come in here and interfere, then they're gonna have to go through me, right?" "You know, you can go mess with Josh's people, but I'm the head of this family, and you ain't gonna be messing with my children." "If I left, what would I do with all this useless information in my head?" "You know... tonnage price of manila folders?" "Pam's favorite flavor of yoghurt, which is Mixed Berries." "Jim said Mixed Berries?" "Yeah, he's onto me." "Watch out for this guy!" "Dwight Schrute in the building!" "This is Ryan, the new temp." "Nice to meet you." "Introduce yourself, be polite." "Dwight Schrute, Assistant Regional Manager." "Assistant to the Regional Manager." "So, Dwight, tell him about the kung-fu and the car and everything." "Yeah, I got a '78 280Z, I bought it for 1200, fixed it up, it's now worth three grand." "That is his profit!" "New engine, suspension, I got it re-sprayed, I've got some photos" "Damn it!" "Jim!" "OK, hold on," "Judge is in session." "What is the problem here?" "He put my stuff in jello again." "That's real professional, thanks." "That's the third time and it wasn't funny the first 2 times either, Jim" "It's ok here, but people sometimes take advantage because it's so relaxed." "I'm a volunteer sheriff's deputy on the weekends, and you cannot screw around there." "It's sort of one of the rules." "What is that?" "That's my stapler." "No no no, do not take it out!" "You have to eat it out there." "Because there are starving people in the world," "Which I hate, and it is a waste of that kind of food." "OK, you know what?" "You can be a witness." "Can you reprimand him please?" " How do you know it was me?" " It's always you." " Are you gonna discipline him or not?" "Ooh, discipline, kinky!" "All right, here's the deal, you guys." "The thing about a practical joke, is that you have to know when to start, as well as when to stop!" "And yeah, Jim, now is the time to stop putting Dwight's personal effects into jello." "OK, Dwight, I'm sorry, because I've always been your biggest *flan*" "Nice!" "That's the way it is around here." "You should have put him in custard-y!" "Yes, new guy!" "He scores!" "OK that's great, I guess, what I'm most concerned with is... damage to company property." "That's all." "Pudding... putting..." "I'm trying to think of another dessert to do." "Do you like going out at the end of a week for a drink?" "Yeah!" "Well, that's why we're all going out, so we can have an end-of-the-week drink." "Well, then when are we going out?" "I don't know, tonight, hopefully." "OK, yeah." "Hey, man." "Hey!" "What's going on?" "Hey baby!" "Roy is my fiancé, we've been engaged about... about 3 years, and we were supposed to get married in September, but I think we're gonna get married in the spring" "Do you mind if I go out for a drink with these guys?" "No, come on." "Let's get out of here and go home." "OK, I'm gonna be a few minutes," "It's only twenty past five, I've still got to do my faxes." "You know what, you should come with us, because we're all going out and it could be a good chance for you to see what people are like outside the office, I think it could be fun" "No, it sounds good but seriously we gotta get going" "Yeah, yeah." "What's in the bag?" "Just tell her I'll talk to her later." "No, definitely, all right dude, awesome, will do." "Do I think I'll be invited to the wedding?" "So, have you felt the vibe yet?" "We work hard, we play hard." "Sometimes we play hard when we should be working hard, right?" "I guess the atmosphere that I've created here is that I am a friend first, and a boss second." "Probably an entertainer third." "Just a second!" "Right?" "Oh, hey do you like the Jamie Kennedy Experiment?" "Yeah" "Punk'd, and all that kind of stuff?" "You are going to be my accomplice, just go along with it, OK?" "All right" "Just follow my lead, don't pimp me all right?" "Come in!" "So corporate just said that I don't want to..." "You got a fax." "Oh, thank you, Pam." "Pam?" "Can you come in here for a sec?" "Just have a seat, I was gonna call you in anyway..." "You know Ryan?" "As you know, there is going to be downsizing and you have made my life so much easier, in that I'm going to have to let you go first" "What?" "Why?" "Why?" "Well, theft, and stealing" "Stealing?" "What am I supposed to have stolen?" "Post-It notes." "Post-It notes...?" "What are those worth, like 50 cents?" "You steal 1000 Post-It notes at 50 cents apiece," "And, you know, you've made a profit... margin." "You know... gonna run us out of business, Pam." " Are you serious?" " Yeah." "I can't believe this, I mean," "I have never even stolen as much as a paper clip and now you're firing me." "And the best thing about it is that we are not gonna have to give you any severance pay, because that is gross misconduct, and..." "Just clean out your desk." "I'm sorry." "You've been X'd, punk!" "Surprise!" "It's a joke, we were joking around, you see?" "OK, he was in on it, he was my accomplice, and" "There was, it was kind of a morale booster thing, and..." "We were showing the new guy around, kind of giving him the feel of the place, so..." "God, you were, we totally got you..." "You're a jerk!" "Well, I don't know about that." "What is the most important thing for a company?" "Is it the cash flow?" "Is it the inventory?" "Nah-uh, it's the people." "The people." "My proudest moment here was not when I increased profits by 17%, or when I cut expenses without losing a single employee." "No, no, no, no." "It was a young Guatemalan guy." "First job in the country, barely spoke English," "Came to me and said:" ""Mr. Scott, would you be the Godfather of my child?"" "Didn't work out in the end." "We had to let him go." "He sucked." "Hey." "Hey, how are you?" "Good, I thought you were going out for a drink with..." "Oh, no, no, just decided not to, uh..." "How's your headache?" "It's better, thanks." "Good, good, that's great." "Are you..." "Am I walking out?" "Yes." "Yes." "Do you wanna... ?" "Yeah." "Great, let me just..." "Oh, Roy." "Yeah, listen, have a nice weekend!" "Yeah, definitely, you too!" "Enjoy it." "You know what, just..." "Come here." "WORLD'S BEST BOSS"