"Ambrose." " Ambrose!" " Yes, my dear?" " What are you doing in the bathroom?" " Um..." "Brushing my teeth, dear." "I don't know what's come over you lately." "You're always in that bathroom, brushing your teeth." "Yes, dear." "Are you sure you're brushing your teeth?" "Yes, dear." " Uh, you want anything, dear?" " Please come to bed and put the light out." "Yes, dear." " Hurry up and come to bed!" " Yes, I'm hurrying, dear." " What are you doing now?" " I'm taking my socks off, dear." "You're certainly making a lot of noise taking your socks off." "Yes, dear." "Please come to bed and put the light out." "Oh, yes, dear." "Legs." "Willie the Weasel." "What are you doing here?" "Steve sent me over here to lift some silverware." "Ah, he's off his nut." "He sent me over on the same job." "Everything's mixed up since they sent Maxie to stir." " What's that in the pan?" "Molasses?" " Mm-mm." "Taste it." "It's applejack." "Jersey lightning!" " What does this applejack remind you of?" " It reminds me of the Olan Social Club." "Remember how Saturday nights we used to get plastered on applejack, and what we used to sing?" ""On the Banks of the Wabash, Far Away."" "Do you remember the tune?" " ~ Oh, the moonlight's fair... ~" " That's it." "~ Tonight upon the Wabash ~" "~ From the fields there comes the breath of... ~" "Ambrose." "Ambrose!" "Did you leave the radio on?" "Did you leave the radio on?" "~ Oh, the moonlight's fair tonight along the Wabash ~" "~ Through the fields there comes a breath of new-mown hay... ~" "~Ofnew-mownhay ~" " ~ Through the sycamores... ~" " Ambrose." "Ambrose." "Wake up!" "Wake up, Ambrose!" " There are burglars in the cellar." " Huh?" " There are burglars singing in the cellar!" " What are they singing?" "What difference does it make?" "Get up and see what it's about!" "Yeah, that's right." "Don't sit there like a bump on a stump." "Go down and throw them out." "Hurry!" " Hurry!" "Hurry, Ambrose, hurry." " What are they singing down there for?" "It doesn't matter what they're singing." "Go down quickly." "We're in danger." "We're in terrific danger, Ambrose." "The more haste, the less speed." "I'll be down there." "Oh, Ambrose, my poor mother." "My poor, helpless old mother." "My darling mother..." "She's upstairs." "They won't find her." " Oh, Ambrose, don't fumble." "Hurry." " I'm coming, dear." "Get those socks on." "What does it matter whether you've got socks on or not?" "I'll catch cold down there without the socks." "They're great murderous brutes, Ambrose." "They've got guns!" "Now what are you looking for?" " They could maybe not have guns." " Oh, Ambrose, hurry!" "Maybe they mistook our cellar window for a stage door." "Hurry, Ambrose, hurry." "It's getting louder and louder." "Can't find my socks." "You're getting me so nervous, I lost my socks." "Ambrose, hurry." "What are you looking for now?" "Why couldn't they wait until later on in the morning?" "Oh, hurry, Ambrose." "Hurry, hurry." "It's getting louder, Ambrose." "It's getting loud." "Ambrose, hurry." "Hurry, Ambrose!" "Oh, don't swat flies!" "Hurry, Ambrose, hurry." "Oh, such an earthly hour..." "An unearthly hour." "Where are they?" " In the cellar, Ambrose!" "In the cellar." " Oh." "They're in there." "Listen, listen." " Oh, what rotten voices." " Murderous brutes, Ambrose." "Yeah." "Get them, Ambrose." "Get them." "Oh, gosh." "Couldn't I just sleep another hour, and I'll go down there?" "Oh, Ambrose." "Hurry, hurry, Ambrose." "OK." "Ohh, this is awful." "Look at that." "There's the gloves that you lost two weeks ago." " Ambrose, get the gun!" " Ah..." "What are these doing in here?" "All these walnuts." "What's the difference what they're doing?" "Get the gun, Ambrose." "Get the gun." "Ah, but there's no... there's no..." "Yes, here it is, here it is." " I got it." "Here, I got it." " Be careful." "There's nothing to be frightened of." "It's unloaded." "There's nothing in it." " Careful." " It's OK." "There isn't a bullet in..." "Ahh!" " Did I kill you?" " Oh, leave me in peace!" "Leave me in peace!" "Good, good." "I didn't kill you." "That's fine." " What was that?" " Sounded like someone shot off a pistol." "That's what it sounded like." "My baby!" "Did they kill you?" "I'm all right." "But quiet - there are burglars singing in the cellar." " Burglars singing in the cellar?" " There's a burglar singing in the cellar." " Give me that gun!" " Let go, let go, will you?" "Burglars are singing in the cellar." "Look out." "Excuse me." "Get out of the way." "Got the smoking revolver in my hand, woman." "What's the matter?" "There's burglars singing in the cellar." "Burglars singing in the cellar." "Great, big fellas about eight feet tall." "Um, uh..." "They, um..." "They sound like, uh..." "Sounds..." "Even more than that." " What's that?" " Nuts." "Walnuts." "I just dropped them on the floor." " Will you go down and get them out?" " Yes, I will." "Come on, Claude." "Oh, dear." "I know you have the heart of a lion." "But if you want to see your poor, old mother die of heart failure," " you go down into that cellar." " Oh, I won't do anything to hurt you." "Indeed Claude will not accompany you." "If anything should happen to Claude, you know it would kill my poor mother." "How can you be so selfish?" "Oh, wait a minute, Dad." "I'll go with you." "Ah." "No, you won't, dear." " You stay here." "I know what I'll do." " What?" "I'll phone the neighbourhood patrol." "What do I pay them for?" "Oh, it's a different story when it comes to your own flesh and blood." " Hmph." " Hm, yeah." " Think I'll go and brush my teeth first." " You just brushed your teeth." "Telephone." "Oh, yes." "Let's see..." "Hello, hello." "Neighbourhood patrol?" "Oh." "Oh, I beg your pardon." "Oh, I'm sorry." "I'm awfully..." "I apolog..." "I'm sorry, Mrs Crod." "I'm awfully sorry, but we have burglars singing in our cellar." "I thought this was the neighbourhood patrol." "Who's that woman you were talking to?" "Huh?" "Oh, Mrs Crod." "Why do you call her up and tell her all your business at this unearthly hour?" "I didn't call her up." "I called up the, uh, neighbourhood..." "I tried to get the neighbourhood patrol." "I got her." "Then call the neighbourhood patrol and tell them burglars are in our cellar." "I'm looking for the number." "Here it is." "Here." "There." "It's simple enough." "Hello?" "Hello." "Is this the neighbourhood patrol?" "Where were you?" "I called the wrong..." "Listen, come over." "We have burglars singing in our cellar." "Burglars singing in the cellar?" "Come over right away, will you?" "Thanks." "That was simple." "That's all done." "Did you tell them who was calling and where to come to?" "Uh, who..." "What..." "Gosh, I forgot that." "People make me sick." "Listen." "That was Ambrose Wolfinger talking!" "Come over right away." "A burglar's singing in the cellar." "Good." "OK." "~ From the fields there comes a breath of new-mown hay ~" " ~ Of new-mown hay ~" " Don't move!" " Ah, go to sleep." " A cop." " Whatcha drinking there?" " Applejack." "~Oh,themoonlight'sfair tonight along the Wabash... ~" " There are three of them singing now." " They're singing the same tune." "~... there comes the breath of new-mown hay ~" "I feel as if I'm getting a chill." " Oh, would you like a little drink of applejack?" " Ambrose Wolfinger." " Well, I thought I might join her." " You know my mother detests alcohol." " Oh, that's right." " When I was a young and pretty girl," "I always vowed to my parents that lips that touched liquor would never touch mine." "Oh, yeah." "Pretty sentiment." "Very nice." "That was fine." "Needed to say that." "~ Oh, the moonlight's fair tonight along the Wabash... ~" "That's all right." "Don't worry." "I'm not even going into the cellar." " I'll talk to them from the outside." " I'll wait." "All right." "I don't crave an encounter with dangerous criminals." " You go right in." "Go to bed." " All right, Dad." "All right." "Goodbye, dear." "Oh, drat." "Drat." "Everything's OK, Mr Wolfinger." "I got them handcuffed." "Oh, that's fine." "Merciful heavens." "What happened?" "Oh!" "Ah... ah!" "Why couldn't I have fallen on a small, dull one?" "Ohh..." " I caught them drinking your applejack." " You did?" "By the way, would you like a drink?" " I don't mind if I do." " Oh, good." "You got the glass right here with you, haven't you?" "All right." "For two pins, I'd box your..." " You sure those handcuffs are on tightly?" " They're safe." "For two pins, I'd box both your ears!" "Ah, you know how to turn it on." "You've been here before." "Take your filthy hands off that." " Well... there you are, Officer." " Thanks." "Wait a minute." "I'll join you." "OK." "That's the old Jersey way of getting it out of a barrel." "My best respects." "Fine." "~Oh,themoonshinesbright tonight along the Wabash... ~" "Quiet." "Cut it out, boys." "~ From the fields there comes the breath of new-mown hay... ~" "Tone it down a little." "Huh?" "Do you remember that tune?" "We used to sing it up at the old Tehachapi Glee Club many years ago." "Brings back fond memories." "Before I was married." "~ Far away ~" "~ Oh, the moonlight's fair... ~" "~ Tonight upon the Wabash ~" "It's a quartet." "Merciful heavens." "He's singing with them now." " Of new-mown hay..." " Ambrose!" "Ambrose?" "Ambrose!" "It's all right, dear." "We got them hand... a hand at the, um..." "The handicap, um..." "Handiwork, uh..." "They got their hands all tied up." "They can't..." "I gotta..." "They can't do a thing." "Yeah, the policeman is down in here, yeah." "All right, don't worry, dear." "Go right back to sleep." "Goodbye." "They can hear every word you say down here up through this pipe, see?" "Keep quiet." "She's awfully nervous." "Awfully nervous." "Hey..." "Look here." "Um..." "These boys seem all right." "Let's let them go if they promise never to do it again." "No, nothing doing." "This is my bread and butter." "I gotta take them in." "Yeah." "Oh, you'll have to go along, too." " Why?" " To appear against them." "I have to take a jug of this applejack as evidence." " Go ahead." " Now, listen." "I'll go through the window first, and you see that they get out." "Wait a minute, wait a minute." "That leaves me down here with them alone." "Wait a minute now." "Why can't I go out the window first, and then I'll wait with them..." "I'll be with them, too, out there, won't I?" "I'll tell you what." "We'll all go out together." " All right." "Come on, come on." "Get out." " Go ahead, go ahead, go ahead." "Gosh." "Ambrose!" "What are you doing down there?" "If you have apprehended the criminals, come up to bed." "Keep quiet." "I don't want anybody seeing me prowling around in the middle of the night, dressed like this." " What time is it?" " What time is it?" " What time is it?" " Huh?" "Say, Wolfinger!" "What's the idea of making all this noise at five o'clock in the morning?" "It's five o'clock." "Drat." " ~ Oh, the moonlight's fair tonight... ~" " Shh!" "Will this interfere with me going to the wrestling match this afternoon?" "I hope not." "I got a ticket myself." "I got a $15 seat in the first row." "Had it for three weeks." "'Course my wife knows nothing about it." "Wrestling's in my blood." "If I hadn't been sidetracked, I'd have been wrestling in this match myself." " You're a wrestler?" " You were born in Canada?" " Yeah." " Fine." "There isn't a man or boy born in the United States or Canada that could get out of this hold." "Come here." "Stick your head in that." "Stick it in there." "Go ahead." "Put it in." "Now, wait a minute." "Now..." "Try to get out of that." "Go ahead, try to get out." "I guess I took in too much territory." "I shouldn't have mentioned Canada." "Did I hurt you?" "How could you hurt anybody throwing them on their head?" "Oh, dear." "Ohh." "Oh." "Morning." " Is the judge about?" " He'll be here in just a minute." "Old honest Abe." "~ Through the sycamores... ~" " What's the charge?" " They were singing in Mr Wolfinger's cellar." " These two boys." " And drinking applejack." " Where did they get it?" " In his cellar." " Where's the evidence?" " Here, Your Honour." " Who's the owner of this applejack?" " I am." "Have you a permit to manufacture applejack?" "Uh, I beg your pardon?" "Have you a permit to manufacture applejack?" " I guess I could get one easy enough." " $30 or 30 days." "Take him away." " Oh, wait." "They came into my..." " But, Judge..." " Clear the court." " Oh, this is terrible." "This is awful." "This is terrible!" "Then..." "Then I..." "I took..." " I took my scissors..." " Huh?" "...and stabbed straight into my wife's throat!" "Ah, ah." "Oh!" "Tickle there." "Wouldn't you do the same thing under the circumstances?" "I would do the same thing, I guess, or probably worse..." " Well, you know, I'm excitable." " Yeah." " I kill them all." "Well, that's nothing." " Uh-huh." "No, that didn't mean..." " You know... you know, my friend." " Mm-hmm." " I had three wives." " Oh, yes." "But this the first one I have killed in all my life!" "Oh, that's in your favour, yes." "They have no more case against you than a sheep has against a butcher." " Oh, you think so?" " I know it." "Excuse me a minute." "My friend here, he's..." "Can I get out to send a telephone just for..." " Oh, I'll go with you." " No, that's all right." "I can't go out and telephone her?" "Well, look here, can you telephone my wife?" "We can't." "I can take a message out." "Will you take a message out?" "Watch this guy." "Search him for a pair of scissors." " My friend." " Huh?" "He's excited." "See, look." "You telephone my wife and tell her to get $30 over here, and if she hasn't $30, that not to wait up for me tonight" " because I won't be home for a month." " OK." " My friend, I want to tell you something." " OK." "Will you listen to me?" "When I got the scissors..." " Hello?" " Who's it for?" " It's from your father." " Where is he?" "He's in jail." "They've got him locked up." "What's that?" "What's the charge again?" "For making liquor without a permit?" "Mm-hmm." "How's that?" "$30 or 30 days?" "He didn't have any money with him?" " We must go to the jail and get him out." " Where will we get the money?" "Let him stay." "It'll teach him a lesson." "My father will not stay in jail, not for a minute." "I have $30, and I'll get him out." "This is a pretty kettle of fish he's gotten us in for." "He's a disgrace." " The little snip." " It's your own fault." "I advised you against marrying a widower with a child." "It was awfully kind of you, sweetheart, to..." "Uh, excuse..." "Pardon me." "It was kind of you to come down this early hour of morning to get me out." "Why didn't they send Claude?" " You know how slow Claude is." " Yeah." "So I just grabbed my coat and came on down." "Didn't your stepmother make any fuss about giving you the $30?" " No, Dad." "She didn't make any fuss." " Didn't she?" " Oh, she's pretty nice about some things." " Yes." "And other things, she's not so nice about." " Good night, Dad." " Good night, dear." "Good night." "Oh..." "Quite a snooze." " Oh, don't." "I got all I want." " There." "Eat them up, lambkins." "They're good for you." "Would you mind passing me the sugar, please?" "Pardon me." "Wonder how the old jailbird is this morning." "If you're referring to my father, I think it's very bad taste." "And not a bit funny." "My father's only been kind to you." "And during the eight years you've lived here, he's never said one unkind thing about you." "You're throwing that up to us, are you?" "And just because poor Claude cannot find work." "You needn't throw that in our face." "I'm not throwing it in your face or trying to be unkind." "But I can't sit here and listen to both you and your son continually belittling my father." "He's been too good to you." "He's the most trying man ever put on this Earth." " Morning, everybody." " Good morning." "Good morning, sweetheart." "Morning, dear." "Morning." "Morning." "Had quite an experience last night after handling those criminals." "Yeah." "And it was funny the way the whole thing turned out." " Yes, yes, it was." " Yes, it was." "Indeed it was." "It'll be harder than ever for Claude to secure employment when they know his brother-in-law is an ex-convict." "I shouldn't even look for work until this whole thing blows over." " I think that's right." " He isn't an ex-convict." "He wasn't in the jail a half-hour." "He was convicted of manufacturing alcoholic beverages without a permit." "He never made illegal liquor." "He bought pure apple cider, let it freeze, and then drained the alcohol off." "That's what happened." "Any more wheat cakes and sausage?" "There would have been if you'd gotten here sooner." " I think it's a shame." " You little rebel, you." "Here." "You just have some of these ham and eggs, or..." "Oh, enough of your quarrelling." "I'm sick and tired of it." "Oh, here's one of those delightful fragments by Gertrude Smarten." "Would you like to hear it?" " Would you like to hear it?" " Oh, yes, I would, dear." "Surely I would." " "We have what we have not."" " Have we any syrup?" ""What we have not, we have." "Up is down, down is..."" "Any butter?" " Are you listening?" " Yes." "I beg your pardon." "Are you going to eat the rest of that sausage?" " Yes, I am." " Oh." "That's all right." ""Down is out." "Everyone knew me, and I was happy."" " Are you listening?" " Yes, dear." ""And we were all happy." "Is everybody happy?"" ""And I bought a big, red apple." "Yes, unhappiness is joy."" "Isn't that beautiful?" "Isn't that beautiful?" " Very beautiful, dear." " What's it all about?" " What you were reading?" " Yes." "About apple?" " The wonderful part is there's no punctuation." " That's marvellous." "And to think that, under that beautiful verse, they print portraits of those horrible wrestlers." "Claude's going to see that wrestling match." "He found a ticket - a $15-ticket in the first row." "Is your toast warm, Dad?" "No, dear, it's cold." "It's all right." "Been eating cold toast for eight years now." "I like it." " I'll meet you in the hall." "We'll drive together." " All right." " Excuse me." " Excuse me." "Excuse me, dear." " Don't forget to pay the rent on the way." " Oh, no, I won't." " Please don't forget." " I won't, I won't." "I won't." "Why did you give a start at the table when Mrs Neselrode said Claude had found a ticket to the wrestling match?" " I didn't know I gave a start, honey." " Come on, now, Dad." "Fess up." "Didn't you have a ticket to that wrestling match?" "A $15-ticket in the first row?" "I did have a ticket, but I lost it." "Exactly what I thought." "He stole that ticket out of your pocket." "I despise him, Dad." "The lazy, good-for-nothing, fat, overfed monkey." "He isn't too fat." "Dad..." "I know that you would never have married again after Mother died if it wasn't for me." "What are you talking about?" "When I was a little girl, I heard you talking to Mr Messinger, and he was arguing with you, and you said that you would never have married again if it wasn't that you wanted Hope to have a mother." "Now, listen, honey." "I want you to promise me one thing." "Never mention that again as long as you live." "I must have been drinking." "No, Dad." "You weren't drinking." "All right." "Dad, I know your heart is set on going to that wrestling match." "Now, you ask the boss for the afternoon off and go to that match." "No one will know, and you know I won't tell on you." "Satan, get behind me." "Goodbye, sweetheart." " Goodbye, Dad." " I'll see you tonight." " All right." " Have a nice day, beauty." "Hello, Peabody." "What have you in your files on J Farnsworth Wallabee?" "Send Wolfinger in here immediately." "Then get the data out of his files." "All I can find is that Wallabee's credit's OK, and he comes from Australia." " That isn't enough." "Find something more." " Wolfinger keeps his desk locked." "Wolfinger should keep a complete record of these people." "I meet many people." "How can I remember them all?" "I've explained that several times, but he has stubbornly installed his own jumbled system of filing." "Morning, ladies." "Good morning." "Good morning." "Good morning." "Morning." " Morning, Carlotta." " Good morning, Mr Wolfinger." "Now, let me see..." " Hello?" " I want Wallabee's record right away." "Thank you, Mr Malloy." "I'll be right over." "Goodbye." "Would it be possible for me to have the afternoon off?" " I found a ticket to the wrestling matches." " What row was it in?" " Just a general admission ticket." " Oh." "I don't know." "You have to ask that sterling Mr Peabody." "My mother's a friend of Hukalaka Meshobbab's." "She is?" "Hukalaka." "I never knew his first name." "That may help some." "Anyway, you ask Peabody." "I don't know anything about him." " Good morning." " Where have you been?" "I, uh..." "Remember you sent me to the bank to deposit those checks?" " I had to wait there." "Didn't open until 9:00." " Of course." "I forgot." " What do you know about Wallabee?" " Wallabee..." " Just a minute." "Miss Dickson, take this down." " Yes, sir." "J. Farnsworth Wallabee." "He's an Australian, um, sheep man." "Came here six years ago and bought $8,000 worth of the woollen goods to take back to Australia." "His credit is A-1." "He has two boys." "One is a champion tennis player, and the other one is a manly little fellow." "You played golf with him." "You quit at the eighth hole, I think it was." "It rained." "You had a 94 up to then, and he had an 82." "He had a friend with him." "The Miffentiff of Boffendale, an Indian potentate." "And that night, you all went out to a cabaret." "Remember?" "And you hurt your eye somewhere or other." "Got all black around there." "And someone surreptitiously placed a lady's silk stocking in your pocket." " That'll be all, Wolfinger." " Oh, thank you." " Here you are, Mr Malloy." " Thank you." "If you want any further information, I'll be in my office." "Very well, Peabody." "Well, well, well." "Bless my heart." "If this isn't a sight for sore eyes." "Well, how are you, Mr Malloy?" " J. Farnsworth Wallabee, eh?" " That's right." "All the way from the Antipodes." "Here, sit down and make yourself comfortable." " Here, have a cigar." " Well, thanks." "Well, well, well." " This certainly is a pleasant surprise." " Yes, sir." "Oh, by the way, how are those wonderful sons of yours?" " That... the tennis player and the other chap." " Oh, Toppie." "Mr Wolfinger, Mr Peabody wants a copy of that letter we wrote to Mr Newt..." "Schven..." "S-c-h-v-e-n-d-e-n-b-o-r-g of Kaja..." "K-j..." "Why don't you kids learn how to pronounce names?" "Um..." "Kanji... ugh." "Of Kajaben..." " Well, he thinks it was about four years ago." " Yeah, that's..." "Oh, I know who it is." "Sure." "Four years ago." "It was three-and-a-half years go." "Hold that." "Two years, three years." "Three..." "What is that doing in there?" "Belongs over there." "Got things all misplaced around here." "Ah." "There it is." "Four years ago." "Three-and-a-half years ago, to be correct." "Tell him that, will you?" " Mr Malloy?" " Yes?" "Would I be imposing on your good nature if I asked for the afternoon off?" "What for?" "My poor, dear mother-in-law, Mrs Neselrode, died several days ago." "Oh, I am sorry." "This is sad news indeed to me." "Thank you." "We're burying her today, and I'd like the afternoon off to go to her funeral." "Why, of course." "Why, you haven't had a day off in 25 years." " No, sir." " It's quite all right." " Oh, what did the dear old lady die of?" " Uh, who?" "Why, your mother-in-law, Mrs Neselrode." "What was the complaint?" "There wasn't any complaint." "The other night she, um, got a chill, and she..." "I said, "Why don't you take a little drink of this..."" " I understand." " She said no." "Poison liquor, eh?" "Poison liquor." "You know, it's a crying shame." "There've been 13 deaths from poison liquor within the last fortnight." " However, I suppose death is inevitable." " Yes, sir." "Well, you be brave, Mr Wolfinger, and make the best of it." " You are made of sterner stuff." " Thank you, Mr Malloy." "Thank you." "You'll have very little difficulty in getting off this afternoon." "I won't be here." "My mother-in-law died three days ago." "I'm attending her funeral this afternoon." " Isn't that terrible, Mr Wolfinger?" " Yes, it's terrible." "It's awful." "Horrible tragedy." " It must be hard to lose your mother-in-law." " Yes, it is." "It's very hard." "It's almost imposs..." "It's very diffi..." "It's hard to lose a..." " Don't forget to lock that desk before you go." " Yes, Mr Wolfinger." " Goodbye." " Good night." " Yes, sir." " Peabody." "Inform the departments of the sudden death of Wolfinger's mother-in-law, Mrs Neselrode." "Funeral's this afternoon." "He should know that his fellow workers sympathize with him." "I suggest their sending flowers or cards of sympathy." "Oh, and also contact the press and notify them of the tragedy." "May I suggest we inform the press that he's an employee of the Malloy Company?" "Excellent idea, Peabody." "Yes." "You tend to it." "Thank you, sir." "By the way, what did she die of?" "Bad liquor." "Attention, boys and girls." "I have a very sad message to deliver to you." "Poor Ambrose Wolfinger's mother-in-law, Mrs Neselrode, died several days ago." "Mr Wolfinger, whom we all honour and respect, is going to the funeral this afternoon." "If any of you wish to send a little floral piece or message of condolence, you may send it to Mrs Ambrose Wolfinger, 1627 Charter Street." "Pull over to the curb." "Have you a driver's license?" "Nice work, nice work." " Didn't you see that motorcycle there?" " No, sir." " Didn't you see these "No Parking" signs?" " No, sir." "So you were driving without looking where you were going." "Well, uh... in a way, yes." "Let's see your operator's license." " Going to the wrestling match?" " Yes..." "I certainly am if I can make it." "It's gonna be the battle of the century." " What's your occupation?" " Uh, memory expert." " What's your occupation?" " Um... memory expert." "Meshobbab will kill that Russian and toss him out of the state." "Oh, do you think so?" "I got a couple of bucks to bet on Tosoff." "I got a secretary thinks that..." "Mother's a great friend..." "Oh, thank you." "Great friend of Meshobbab's." " That's one detail I'd like to be assigned to." " So would I." "Well, I'll be seeing you." " How do you do, sir?" " Where are you going?" " I'm going to the wrestling matches." " Have you a driver's license?" "I bought my ticket..." "Haven't bought, uh..." "Yes, a driver's license, yes, sir." " Do you know what this red curbing means?" " Yes, sir." " What does it mean?" " No parking." "That's right." "Now, can you read those letters down there?" "Oh, yes, yes." " Would you..." " "No parking." "No parking."" "Would you mind reading the lettering off to me?" "OK." " "No parking."" " Read it once again, will you?" " "No parking."" " Just once more to be sure you got it right." " "No parking"?" " Well, that's fine." "You knew the red paint on the curb meant you couldn't park here." " Yes, sir." " You also read the sign, "No parking,"" "painted in bold letters on the curb." "Yes, sir." "Yet you deliberately drove into this zone, knowing all those things." " No, sir." " What?" "Yes, sir." "But if I could explain, the officer on point duty told me to drive in here and run into the motorcycle policeman's, uh... uh... bicycle." " He did, eh?" "Well, that's fine." " Yes, sir." "I suppose if he told you to pull out a gun and shoot me, you'd have done that, too." " Yes, sir." " What?" "Uh, no, sir." "Now, understand one thing:" "No matter what anybody tells you to do, I'm running this beat." " All right, now." "Get out of here." " Thank you, sir." "Get out now." "I don't mean a week from Friday." " This very minute." "Right now." " Yes." " Now, beat it." " I'll be out." "Sorry, Officer." "I'm not an officer." "I'm the chauffeur of that car." "Oh." "And let me tell you one thing - don't back into that car again." " I'm very sorry." " You get me?" "Uh, yes, sir." " Well, any time you're ready, Henry." " Sorry, madam." "Correct me if I'm wrong." "Did I tell you to get out of here, or didn't I tell you to get out of here?" " No, sir." " What?" "I mean, yes, sir." "But I'm wedged in between these trunks in the front." "Uh-huh." "And the other gentleman in the..." "Oh." "Excuse me." "He isn't there." "What for you wanna back into the ambulance in front of my brothers?" "I-I-I..." "Um..." " Does Mrs Wolfinger live here?" " Yes." " Flowers for Mrs Neselrode." " Thank you." "These flowers are for you, dear." ""Abide with Him."" ""Our deepest sympathy in your great bereavement."" ""The Steno Department."" "What on earth?" "What..." "What..." "Wh-wh-wh-what's this?" "Well, what's this about?" ""Rest in peace."" "From Mr Malloy." " Maybe something's happened to Claude!" " Or Ambrose!" "Or Hope!" "Something has certainly happened to someone!" "Oh, dear." "That bell." "Mr Peabody." "Oh, I wish Claude were here!" "He could tell us what to do." " I'll telephone Ambrose." " Do." " Hello?" " Mr Ambrose Wolfinger, please." "He isn't here." "He's taking the afternoon off to attend his mother-in-law's funeral." "His mother-in-law's funeral?" "Oh, why, that's absurd!" " Who is this speaking?" " This is Mrs Ambrose Wolfinger." "My mother is not dead." "She's in perfect health." "There must be some mistake." "Ooh, I see." "Have a good day, Mrs Wolfinger." "What in heaven's name is this all about?" "The second bout of the afternoon will be between..." "And here we have..." "Whoa." "Easy, easy." "Easy." "Whoa." "Just another foot." "I thought you said another foot!" "I thought it was another foot." "It was my mistake." "Pardon me." "When his car backed into yours..." "It was my fault." "I told him to come back another foot." "Probably so, but the backing of the car released your wheel, and your wheel is running down the street." "My wheel is running..." "Godfrey Daniel!" "Excuse me." "I'll be right back." "I'll pay for any damage." "Excuse me." "Ohh!" "Ohh!" "Now listen to this!" ""Poison liquor sends another victim to the grave today"..." "Read that!" ""...when Mrs Neselrode, the 15th fatality, succumbed."" ""Complaining of a pain in her chest, she imbibed a small quantity of liquor and died."" ""The tragic details were related..."" ""...by Mr Ambrose Wolfinger, grieving son-in-law of the deceased."" " Oh, he's a fiend!" "A wool in sheep's clothing." " What?" "A wolf in sheep's clothing!" "Oh, when Claude comes home tonight, he'll avenge his mother's honour." "And now we come to the main bout of the afternoon." "In this corner we have..." "Meshobbab!" " And over here we have..." " Tosoff!" "Good!" "Meshob..." "Uh..." "No more standing room." "Any more sitting room?" "Any more..." "Get the chauffeur's number." "Ohh..." "Oh..." " Oh, Mr Wolfinger!" " Ahh..." " What's happened?" "What's happened?" " I'm not tired." "Ha!" "Drunk again." "And lying in the gutter." " Let go of his hand, lady." " Why, he's dying." "Do something!" " Oh, yes, Claude." " Claude!" "Look out, Ma." "Have you seen the paper?" " Yes, and have you seen the flowers?" " No, but I saw Ambrose." " Has anything happened to Dad?" " Yes." "He's lost his position with the firm." "This afternoon, he took a fiendish pleasure in telling Mr Malloy and the newspaper men that my dear, sweet mother had died of alcoholic poisoning and had gone to a drunkard's grave." "Yes, but he then got his secretary and took her to the wrestling matches, where they drank themselves into imbecility and fell into the gutter." "I don't believe it." "I don't believe a word of it." "Uh..." "A little nose candy..." "Uh, a little nosegay, dear." "What does this mean?" "Uh..." "What does..." "Godfrey Daniel!" " Who's dead?" " Your perfidious brain is dead." "Dad, did you tell Mr Malloy and the newspapers" "Mrs Neselrode died of alcoholic poisoning and went to a drunkard's grave?" "I did not tell the newspapers that Mrs Neselrode died and went to a drunkard's grave." "Did you take your secretary to the wrestling matches?" "Dear, I pledge you my word I did not take my secretary to the wrestling matches." " I took no one to the wrestling matches." " But you did see the wrestling matches?" "No." "A funny thing about it, I didn't even see the wrestling matches this afternoon." "Is that the truth?" "Sweetheart, I'd take an oath on your poor mother's grave." "I never saw the wrestling matches this afternoon." " Things happened." " I believe you, Dad." "Don't say anything more." "I know everything." " You're exaggerating things in your mind." " Don't lie." "My poor brain can't stand it." "That black eye and your condition prove you were drunk and lying in the gutter!" " I was not drunk." " Ha!" " There." "I knew it." " I saw you at the wrestling matches." "You were drunk, lying in the gutter." "And you had your secretary with you." "Listen, I've had a lot of trouble in the last 24 hours, and I've just about heard enough from you!" "I admit that I was wrong in asking for the afternoon off to go to the wrestling matches and giving it as an excuse Mrs Neselrode dying." "But that is all." "You were drunk, lying in the gutter, and you did take your secretary." "You keep quiet and let my father tell his story." "Don't you yell at me, or I'll slap you in the mouth." "Oh, you fiend!" "You fiend!" "Dad!" "What are you doing?" "I'll knock them for a roll of Lib-Labs." "Leave this house and never cross the threshold again." "And take your ungrateful minx of a daughter with you." " Dad!" "Come on." " I'll exterminate the three of them." "Come on." "We'll go for a little ride." ""Rest in peace."" " Come on." " Ohh." " Wait a minute, dear." "OK." " Well..." "All right." " Did you ring, sir?" " Yes." "A Mr Mackenbach is arriving from Hungary tomorrow morning." "The files show his rating is A-1 and he's an important customer, but I can't find anything personal to talk to him about." "Where is Wolfinger?" " I discharged him." " What for?" "He lied and took the afternoon off, possibly to go to that wrestling match." "He's talked about the wrestlers and bragged about his prowess as a wrestler for years." "You can't discharge the poor devil for taking one afternoon off in 25 years." "Get him back and get him back as quickly as possible." "You've left us in a fine mess!" "I want to get the data on Mr Mackenbach at once." " Where does Mr Wolfinger keep his files?" " They're in here, sir." "But I'm afraid they'll appear disordered to you." "I've tried to install a filing system, but Mr Wolfinger prefers his own method." "Ah!" "So this is the famous filing system, eh?" "Ach!" " Where can we find Wolfinger?" " I don't know." "His wife threw him out." "She informed me that he attended the wrestling matches." "This girl, his secretary, accompanied him." "They were both drunk, and Wolfinger was found..." "lying in the gutter." "This is a gross exaggeration and a fabrication!" "True, I did attend the wrestling matches, only because my mother is a very dear friend of Hukalaka Meshobbab." "But when Hukalaka threw Tosoff from the ring, he struck Mr Wolfinger in the chest, knocking him insensible." "What did you expect me to do?" "Stand there and watch my poor boss die in the gutter?" " You think I'm gonna take your word..." " I'm sick of..." "Stop it!" "You've overstepped your authority." "Come into my office." "Get on that phone and locate Wolfinger." "Stick to it if it takes all day." "Yes, sir." "I don't understand how you could have used such bad judgment." " I'll get it." " No, I'll get it, Dad." " Hello?" " Ha..." "Is this Miss Wolfinger?" "I've got it." "Uh..." "Mr Malloy has spoken to me, and inasmuch as Mr Wolfinger's been with the firm for more than two decades, he thinks that if Mr Wolfinger will, uh, return to work and forget wrestling," "Mr Malloy will accept my suggestion that he return to his old position." "Well, thank you." "I know he'd appreciate that if he were here." "But he's in the shower." " He has an interview this morning..." " Who's in the shower?" " Dad, quiet." " What do you mean, he's in the shower?" "Dad, please sit down and be quiet." "He's going on an interview to see Mr Molitvach, president of the Irish Woollen Mills." "Mr Molitvach, president of the Irish Woollen Mills?" "Please." "She says he's negotiating with the Irish Woollen Mills." "Offer him $75 a week, and tell his daughter to get in touch with him immediately." "Mr Malloy's just informed me that, on account of his long association with your father, he can offer $75 a week." "Well, I don't think that would be adequate." "I know that he's considering an offer of, um... $100 a week, with four weeks vacation at full pay." "They've offered him $100 a week and four weeks' holiday on full salary." "All right." "Offer him the same, but have him report here in the morning." "How can he if you're gonna give him a four-weeks holiday?" "Dash." "Dash!" "Dash!" "All right." "We'll meet the offer, but at the end of the four weeks, I want him here on the job." "Mr Malloy will meet the offer." " You know what I was thinking I'd do?" " What, Dad?" "I thought I'd get down to the firm and tell them that I'll work for less money." "Claude and Mrs Neselrode aren't living with us, and our expenses aren't so high, so..." "Well, as a matter of fact, I was so busy cooking, I forgot to tell you that your firm wants you back at your old job... at $100 a week with a four-week vacation at full pay, and in advance." "I'm sorry I wasn't here, dear." "I'd have told them I wanted $200 a week, six months vacation and full pay." "I want that paper to wrap up these belongings of Ambrose." "The weather's cold." "I want to take his underwear and socks over to him." "I think you're a perfect fool." "Let him come and get them himself." "Please let me do things in my own way and hand me that paper." "You take that paper, and he's sure to wake up." "You'd better stir yourself and go into town and look for a job." "This is nonsense." "Taking a nap every morning after breakfast." "There." "Cover up." "You'll catch more cold." "Leave me alone, Ma." "I do believe you're still in love with that old fool." "That's a fine thing for you to call him, after he went out of his way to invite you and Claude to go for a ride in his new car tomorrow." "I'll be back later." "Why... it's beginning to rain!" "Ohh!" " Take a drink of this hot coffee, Dad." " Oh, my..." "Try one of these sandwiches."