"Do I smell Mom's special chicken noodle soup?" "That's right." "A box of Lipton's and a cut up hot dog." "Man, that woman can cook!" "What are you so happy about?" "Michael." "He's sick." "And that's a good thing?" "Yeah, a sick boy needs his mother." "I'm necessary again!" "Oh, look at him." "You look so pale." "Dude, you look awful." "I feel awful." "I think I got the flu." "Uh, don't you tease me!" "Come on, sit down hunny." "I want to take your temperature." "Do you have a thermometer?" "Uh, I think I do, yeah." "When I left Days of Our Lives I took a whole box of stuff." "They just let you take all that stuff?" "Well, when you shove it down your pants they don't seem to mind." "Why is there writing all over everything?" "Oh that's dialogue." "I used the props as cheat sheets when I had to remember difficult medical jargon." ""Hi, I'm Dr. Ramoray"?" "That took twenty takes." "This stuff really takes me back." "All those years of playing a doctor, I feel like I actually became one, ya know, and these were the tools of my trade." "Knee hammer." "Ear looker." "Ah, necklace." "Uh, hi, I'm here to read for the part of Outraged Man." " Just sign in right here." " Like hell I will!" "Sorry, I bet people have been doing that all day." "Nope, you're the only one." "All right." "There sure are a lot of people here for such a small part." "There are no small parts, only small actors." "Do you mean...children?" "I kinda need to go over my lines." "Not me." "I got it all right up here." "Nope." "Hey buddy, you need to look on?" "Hey thanks, man." "Oh right." "Got it." "I'm Brian Michael David Scott." "That's a lot of names." "I'm a lot of actor." "I'm Joey Tribbiani." "Oh please, I know who you are." "Dr. Drake Ramoray from Days Of Our Lives." "I'm a big fan of your work." "Really?" "Oh, thanks, man." "I'd offer you a Days Of Our Lives t-shirt, but..." "I only got two left and I like to trade those for sex." "So I guess we'll be seeing a lot of each other." "Ya know... we're probably up for a lot of the same roles... male, mid-thirties, dangerous, but sensitive." "Man, this audition is taking a long time, I'm gonna call my agent." "Speed dial." "Hi, Lisa." "It's Bri-Mi." "Look..." "Huh?" "What?" "You're kidding." "No, wait, wait, don't blame yourself." "I'll call you back." "Bad news man, they cancelled this audition." "They gave the part to someone else." "And no one here told us?" "Now I really am Outraged Man!" "Well who'd they give it to?" "Probably someone who was willing to sleep with the producer." "That's the way this town works, right?" "There I said it!" "Oh, I guess we can go then, huh?" "You know what, you go." "I'm gonna stick around." "My apartment doesn't have air conditioning." "Really great meeting you, Brian.." "Brian Michael David Scott." "How do you feel about "Dude?"" "Awesome, my brotha." "Joey Tribbiani?" "Joey?" "Hey did... did someone say my name?" "No, uh, no one did, but uh someday soon everyone will." "I'm gonna go get you some more tea." "Hey Gain, look, you've been here a couple days now without a break." "Why don't you let me take over?" "Ya know, go have a little "Gina Time."" "I don't have "Gina Time" anymore." "I'm a mother." "I don't go out." "I don't go on dates." "I don't have fun." "I don't do anything for myself anymore." "So you got those for Michael?" "Yeah, she's not going anywhere." "How you feelin'?" "Not great, but... everything's gonna be fine tomorrow." "How do you figure?" "Well, if she doesn't leave by then, I'm gonna kill myself." "Don't be so dramatic." "She said we're gonna flush my system, Joey." "I don't know what that means." "Yeah, you're grandmother was the same way when I was sick." "I've had my system flushed... makes you ask yourself some big questions." "Here ya go." "You gotta get up." "Michael needs to take his nap in here." "She makes me take a nap every day at one." "Not tomorrow though." " Alright alright, I'll go watch TV in my room." " No, no, no, no, no." "You can't." "I put this humidifier in there, it's filling up with steam." "What?" "You just take over my room?" "I got private stuff in there." "Well if you're worried about me reading your diary it's too late." ""Dear Diary, Gina's mean to me.."" "That's going straight in the book!" "Look Gina, I know Michael's sick, but this is my apartment." "I need some space." "Look, why don't you just go to my place." "You can stay there until he gets better." "I don't wanna do that." "There's lasagna in the fridge and I have Cinemax." "Get me the keys!" "No no, thank you." "It's easy when the words are this good." " Hey, Dude." " Hey, Joey." "How'd you do in there?" "Really well..." "Hey uh, I know we're in competition for this thing, but... if I don't get the part, I hope that you do." "How 'bout that?" "You are awesome." "No, I'm just Brian Michael David Scott, Joey." "Hey, you added a "Joey!"" " Joey Tribbiani?" " Yeah, right here." "Hey buddy, listen." "I got some inside info on this audition and..." "I wouldn't feel right about leaving without sharing it with my new best friend." "Great, what do you got?" "This casting director is deaf, so you gotta scream all your lines." "Thanks that is good to know." "Maybe this isn't the best place to tell you this, but I love you Sharon!" "I love you with all my heart!" "So when will I know if I got it?" "What's the middle finger in sign language?" "Yeah well Mother, I don't understand what you're so upset about." "So there going to remove your uterus." "What do you need it for?" "I gotta go." "Yeah, I love you too." "Bye." "Uh, what did you want to see me about?" "I wanted to explain to you how the business works." "See you book a job, and I get 10 percent." "Do you know what 10 percent of zero is?" "Let's see, 6 goes into 40.." "God!" "I have never wanted to slap you more!" "You're ruining your career." "You don't show up at an audition." "You scream at a casting director." "The only reason I did that is 'cause he's deaf." "Who told you that?" "This actor." "I see him at all my auditions." "He gives me pointers." "Wait a second!" "Is he the reason why you went into an audition, you threw away your script and you started barking?" "Yeah, did I get that part?" "Joey, he's messing with your head." "What?" "Yeah, you're little friend is shoving crap up your pooper!" "Joey, you're such a sweet naive guy, but you can't let people take advantage of you." "I can't believe this." "I can't believe they take the fat out of my ass and put it in my lips, but they do!" "But then she surprises me." "Like tonight, she generously offered me her place to stay." "Well, I guess that's all for now until tomorrow." "Sincerely..." "Love..." "Joey." "Hey babydoll." " What?" "!" " What?" "!" "What?" "!" " Who are you?" "!" " Who are you?" "!" "I'm Roger." "I'm Joey... well, that doesn't help us at all!" "I'm Gina's boyfriend." "Gina doesn't have a boyfriend." "I'm her brother." "I would know." "You're her brother?" "Oh, you're not supposed to know about me." "Could you just pretend like you don't know what's going on?" "I don't know what's going on!" "Now all we gotta do is decide which one of us gets to stay..." "Get outta here!" "Hey." "So, I found out about your little secret last night." "Oh my god, last night was Wednesday." "I forgot." "Poor Roger." "Poor Roger?" "Poor Roger's bed buddy!" "That guy's all hands!" "Let's not make a big deal about this okay." "He's just some guy I've been seeing." "So why didn't you just tell me about him?" "Because I knew you would tell Michael." "So?" "So, he doesn't like to know about that stuff." "When he was twelve and I was seeing this guy, he built a biodome in the backyard and he wouldn't come out until I stopped dating him." "What's a biodome?" "It's like a nerd fort." "He's an adult." "Alright?" "You can tell him if you're dating someone." "It's silly not to." "What's going on?" "Okay Michael, come here." "Your mother has something that she wants to tell ya." "Have a seat." "Look, you know that I'm a woman and that I have needs." "Well I don't like the direction of this at all." "I've been dating somebody." "It's been going on a couple of months now." "Look I know how sensitive you are, are you okay?" "I'm fine." "It's just..." "I need some time to process this can you, can you just give me a minute?" "Of course." "Yes, yes, yes!" "Alright!" "What am I excited about?" "Don't you get it?" "She's finally met someone." "Therefore, I'm no longer the only thing in her life." "Wow, that is good." "It's great!" "She could fall in love." "They could get married." "I mean, what if he's one of those guys that wants to be with her every minute, and... and is jealous of her son, and he turns her against me..." "Think of it!" "Yeah, yeah." "We could be free." "We could do whatever we want." "We could walk around here naked." "We can!" "But let's not.." "Sorry buddy, my parts are begging to breathe." "We need to encourage my mom." "I need to give her my blessing." " Maybe we could have him over here." " Yeah, yeah." "This is incredible." "It's the greatest day of my life!" "Come here!" "Oh, could you just, just give us a minute, yeah." "Hey, Joey." "Listen, I'm next, but uh a little heads up on this casting director... she just had a boob job, and if you don't comment on them right away she'll get very upset." "Not this time, Brian Michael David Scott." "Hey, you got it right." "Yeah, I wrote it on my hand so I wouldn't forget." "Why didn't you just write it on a piece of paper?" "Oh, you'd like that wouldn't ya!" "Look, I know you've been screwing me out of all these jobs and I wanna know why right now." " Okay, okay, you wanna know why?" " Yeah." "It's because I'm intimidated by you." "Oh sure you are." "No really." "When I saw you at that first audition I was like..." ""I should just go home, this guy's amazing."" "Yeah, well the director from yesterday doesn't think so." "I barked at him and licked his face!" " I never told you to lick him." " I was in the moment!" "I'm sorry I tricked you, but what am I supposed to do?" "I'm just a hack who's lucky to get a job." "You're Joey Tribbiani." "You're a real actor." "Hey, look man, there are no real actors, only small children." "I can't believe I treated you this way." "I want to make it up to you." "I'm next." "They told me "Go in whenever you're ready."" "You take my place." "I'm not even gonna audition." "Really?" "Yeah, I've been a jerk." "For me, please." "Knock 'em dead." "Damn you!" "Pick up milk!" "Brian Michael David Scott!" "Hey you guys, Roger's gonna be here any minute to pick me up." "Are you sure you're okay meeting Roger?" "Well, I can't say it's gonna be easy." "Ya know, I mean, the guy's gonna take my mother away." "I'll try to keep an open mind." "God what a knock." "I approve." "Go to him." "Hey, Gina." "Roger, you know Joey." "Know him?" "We were in bed together." "Hey, don't kiss and tell, Rog." "And I'd like you to meet my Michael." "Hey, hey, little man." "He is the chosen one." "So why don't you guys sit down and get to know each other." "Yeah, all right." "Perhaps a cocktail's in order." "I trust everyone here likes Jager?" "So, we are so glad you're with Gina." "We've never seen her happier." "Really?" "She's always yelling at me and calling me names." "No, no, no, no, no." "That's how we Tribbiani's show affection." "Nerd." "Washed up Soap-Actor." "Virgin!" "Here we go, three Jagers and one NyQuil." "Here ya go, papa." "Oh, did I just call you that?" "It felt so natural." "Baby we better get going if we're gonna catch that movie." "I'm just gonna go fix my face so I look presentable for my gentleman friend." "So Rog, what do you do for a living?" "Well, I was working for a big construction company in Newport, but I lost a toe on the job." "Oh man, I'm sorry." "Oh, don't be." "I made a ton of money off it." "I mean one minute I'm standing on this table saw..drinking beer, and the next minute I got all these suits shoving checks at me." " Great." " Yeah... but I burnt that money pretty quick." "So I gotta figure out a way to get some more cash." "Not another toe." "No, no, no." "I'm gonna lose a finger." "I'm thinking about losing a pinky." "I mean, there's so many ways you can lose a finger." "You got drills, saws, sanders, punch presses." "Whoops!" "Better not get used to using that one, huh?" "Well work's not everything." "I'm sure you have some cool hobbies." "I like a nice pair of jeans." "Jeans?" "That's a hobby?" "Well, I'm not professional or anything." "We should probably get going." "Okay." "It was really good to meet you guys." "A little tip, if you slip in the movie theater bathroom and hit your head on the sink... free popcorn!" "What's the matter with you?" "Don't be doing this!" "That's Roger after his next job!" "Okay, so he's different." "Joey, the important thing is he likes her, and he's taking her off my hands." "Whoa, whoa, Michael." "That's really selfish." "What's more important your space or your mother's happiness?" "My space." "And I had to pretend to think about it." "How was your movie?" "Eh, we were late." "We drove by a Levi's store and Roger got side-tracked." "We have to talk." "Michael, anything you want to say to your mother about Roger?" "I think he's a keeper." "No he's not." "Gina, this guy's a joke." "Look, I know Roger's not the brightest, or the funniest, or the most ambitious.." "But?" "Well it's not like I have a lot of choices." "Most guys my age are looking to date twenty year olds, not go out with someone with a twenty year old." "It's the best I can do." "I'm not a great catch." "What are you talking about?" "You could always have anyone you wanted." "That was a long time ago, Joey." "Now I take what I can get." "Take what you an get?" "Mom, no, that's not okay." "You're..." "You're, you deserve a lot better." "I thought you liked him." "I did, but that's when I was lying." "I just thought that it would be good for you to have someone in your life, so you wouldn't have to worry about me so much." "You know..." "I'm a grown man." "You're gonna fill out some, right?" "You are a catch." "Are you kidding me?" "You're smart, and your funny, and you're beautiful." "All my friends have crushes on you." "Yeah well I'm like the third girl those guys have seen." "You just gotta hold out until you find someone great." "Okay?" "And when you do, even that guy's not gonna be good enough as far as I'm concerned." "Oh, Joey." "And you know, I wasn't gonna tell you this before, but... my fever's back." "Oh, you're so good to me!" "Okay look, I know you're probably still man about that stairwell thing, but I saved you life!" "Right after you got locked in there, three masked gunman burst into the..." "No more crap up my pooper!" "You are about to be very sorry you ever messed with Joey Tribbiani." "Did you get a phone call from your agency this morning?" ""Hello Bri-Mi, it's Lisa." "The location of your audition's been changed." "What?" "The location wasn't changed." "That audition's going on right now on the other side of town, my brotha!" " I was perfect for that part!" " Yeah well, too bad." "So you better think long and hard before you mess with me again, because from now on I'm fighting back." "Are we clear?" "Yeah." "Except for one thing..." " if I'm missing that audition..." " Oh yeah!" "...Aren't you missing it too?" "Come on, I'll give you a ride!"