" Eggs, cheese..." " No, no dairy." "I only have to go near a cow and I break out in lumps." " Tofu..." " For athlete's foot?" "." " Trolley, Lee." " Trolley." "Look out, you've got two ladies coming." "Premier customers, coming through, Lee!" "." "Oi!" "Will you look where you're..." " It's Bungle!" " Simon Bishop!" "And Zippy!" "Lee, it's Bish from school, remember?" "." "No, please, not the face!" "He's a one!" "You ain't changed!" "Forgive and forget, eh?" "." "So, how are things?" "." "How are things?" "." "How are things?" "." "Things are very well, thanks." "He put my head down the toilet at school!" "Be fair, your hair was on fire!" "Well, he set it on fire!" "So I sold that company, and here I am, my first mill, and I'm not yet 40." "I said I'd buy that pile up King's Drive." "Six bedrooms, four-fifths of an acre, plus a duplex in Florida," "Denise finally says yes, so then I've got the lot, eh?" "." "Big house, Page 3 wife and a right lovely motor." "You soon get sick of it." "Money ain't everything, is it?" "." " You got your motor here?" "." " We had to." "They went mad when we tried to land the chopper over there." " Which one's yours?" "." " Which one?" "." "Have a guess!" "Here's a clue!" "It's not this one." "'Cause this one is mine!" "No, it's not this one." "It's actually..." "Denise has eyes exactly the same colour." "Exactly!" "Special order." "Blimey!" "Is that yours?" "." "One of them!" "Last time I saw you, you had bad acne and a paper round!" " Things have changed since then." " Yeah, the acne's cleared up." " Popular, is it?" "." " Yeah, we're ex-directory." " I've always wanted one of these." " Anyway, Bish, it was nice to see you!" " Let's check out the driving position." " Eh?" "." " Let's sit in it for a minute." " Well, erm..." "I'm a bit funny about people mucking about with..." "Down, Muffy!" "Bad dog!" "It's only Uncle Bish!" "I think it's because he doesn't know you!" " Can't you get him to calm down?" "." " He doesn't like strangers." "The VAT man tried to surprise us last week, but Muffy surprised him!" "I always wanted to give the VAT man two fingers and now he has!" "I'll have to get him spayed." "Usually I can click my fingers and..." "Anyway, Bish, I don't want to hold you up..." "You're probably in a hurry." "We've got an important fax message coming through." "Yeah, from that Anita Roddick lot." "They want advice on markets in Hong Kong." " Lee, how did it go?" "." " Eh?" "." " The fax?" "." " Oh, yeah, erm... (MAKES FAX NOISE)" "He ain't completely changed, has he?" "." "Still, we showed 'em!" "What are you doing Saturday?" "." "Oh, well, erm..." "I'm having a bash to celebrate going public, and Denise has had 'em enlarged." "A few business friends, some mates from school." "I'd love to see their faces when you two walk in!" "They had you down as a right couple of twods!" "We'll be there, then." " What time?" "." " Seven o'clock." "Here you are." "I'll tell security to expect you and your wives." "Yeah?" "." "Oh, yeah..." " The password is Midas," " MIDAS?" "." "Midas..." "Lee, we're on our way!" "No, no, no..." "I know!" "We'll phone, we'll say we can't come, that Muffy's got us trapped in the house." "Don't talk cack!" "The place'll be swarming with contacts and free food!" "Big businessmen and all the scotch eggs you can eat!" "Zippy and Bungle!" " He got right up my nose!" " Come on, you're driving!" "A man is entering my lifee..." "A man is entering my life." "He manifeests himselfe to me and enriches my existence." "He manifests himself to me and enriches my existence." "Heather, can you let us in, he's forgotten his key!" "For crying out loud!" "I've told you before!" "It's a house rule." "Never interrupt me when my aura goes green." "I was visualising my whole future." "What are you doing on Saturday?" "." " I didn't get that far." "Why?" "." " A mate from school's having a do." "That's awfully sweet, but I don't eat whelks." " Whelks?" "." " That's what you eat." " We haven't just come down a chimney." " I'm very pleased for you." "I'm popping out for a moment, I'll be back in a while." "You see, Heather's not interested in going to Bish's do either." "She'll walk in and there'll be a load of raw meat with hair on, all interested in one thing!" "Ooh!" "That's better!" "Now, what were you saying?" "." "I was asking if you'd do me the honour of being my bit of posh on Saturday night." "I don't think so, I haven't got the appropriate outfit for the occasion." "I'll have to be up all night sewing on pearly buttons." "Pearly buttons?" "." "Who do you think I am, Dick van Dyke?" "." "These are highly sophisticated people, Heather." " We're talking Babycham drinkers!" " Sophisticated, our lot?" "." "Like who?" "." " Cyclops will be there." " Cyclops?" "." "Why do they call him that?" "." "He's got a glass eye." "He's got two real ones he nicked off Concorde Kev." " He's a nutcase!" " He'll be there, too." " Concorde Kev?" "." "Why's he called that?" "." " Because he's got a huge conk!" "He usually sits next to Pete the Python." " Really?" "." "Will he be there?" "." " Definitely!" "Saturday, you say?" "." "I'll have to consult my diary." " See?" "." " I haven't said yes, yet!" "You two go, I'll stay." "I don't like parties, I can't dance!" "Last time I tried, the CD got stuck and I was like a video on pause all night!" " You might enjoy yourself!" " If I go expecting to, I won't." " It'll be no good, I'll wish I was at home." " Stay at home, then!" " It might be good." " You told Bish you'd go." "He only asked so I'd say no." " Like when I proposed to Eileen." " She said yes." "I know, it weren't half a surprise!" "That's why I said yes to Bish, he really wanted me to say no." " You said yes." " I know." " I'll catch him out, I won't go." " He's expecting that!" " Is he?" "." " Yeah, the double bluff!" "You mean, he asked me to go, and for me to say yeah, and all the time, I thought he thought I'd say no!" "Yeah!" "Will you let him get away with that?" "." "No!" "Who does he think he is?" "." "Asking me to come and for me to say yeah and then not go." " I'm going!" " Yes!" " On my own!" " Eh?" "." "On your own?" "." "You always go with me!" "That's what he expects but I'll be on my tod." "You can't go anywhere alone." "You can't use a supaloo without supervision." "An easy mistake!" "I went in, put my money in, pulled my pants down and it started taking photographs!" "You see, Lee, that's why we go as a team!" "That's why I'm going alone." "Bish does have a point." "You're always there since we were seven, day and night!" "You're like a 15-stone verruca!" "People think I'm useless without you!" "Zippy and Bungle he called us!" "I'll go alone, I'll be independent." "That'll make them think twice!" "You've got as much chance of getting there in alone as a one-legged man getting into Riverdance." "I'll get in, don't worry." "I've got it worked out!" " Let's see you, then." " Eh?" "." "Give us a demonstration!" "You're outside Bish's, presuming you find it!" "I will, I will, King's Drive!" " King's Drive?" "." " His Bentley's in the gravel drive." " Bentley?" "." " With all the other limos." "My Granada's knackered, so what will you turn up in?" "." " My open-topped Lambretta!" " Very impressive, very Great Gatsby!" " I'll hide it round the back!" " Go on!" "All right!" "I'm approaching the entrance, all chilled and happening!" "What's that under your arm?" "." "It's the front wheel of my scooter!" "I'm not leaving it outside to get nicked!" "Right, I'm approaching the entrance, all chilled and happening!" " Oh, damn!" " What's the matter now?" "." "I've dropped my wheel!" "Right, yes, I'm approaching the entrance, all chilled and happening!" " Still?" "." " Yes, it's a long drive, isn't it?" "." "Would you like me to call you a cab?" "." "No, let's presume..." "let's cut the drive out and say I'm at the door, OK?" "." " What are you doing?" "." " I'm security on the door." " Will there be security?" "." " Oh, yeah." "Carry on, you're doing very well." "I can tell you're not the slightest bit intimidated." "Will there be violence involving huge rough men?" "." "No!" "No, I'm a man, I'm a man." "You're at the door." " I'll look the security bloke in the eye." " What, like that?" "." "And say, "I belong, I'm invited, mate," ""and here's my bottle of Blue Nun!"" " And then..." " Yeah?" "." "He's going to chuck me out!" "He's going to chuck me out!" " You see?" "." " What'll we do?" "." " Why don't we hire a car?" "." " You're interested now, are you?" "." "Now you've heard it's wall-to-wall new money!" "Not at all." "Sometimes I can't quite understand what you're saying." "It's like living with Chas 'n' Dave!" "Oh, I love everything cockney!" "I love whippets, I love jellied eels!" "I'm just mad about rickets!" "We're going!" "Are you sure?" "." "Some of these blokes are still evolving!" "It's true!" "Look, that's modern man... ..Stone Age man... ..and someone from our estate!" "Cauliflower knuckles!" " I was brought up in an estate, too." " Were you?" "." "And sometimes we didn't even have enough money for shoes... ..for my pony!" "Don't talk to me about living on the edge!" "Hire a car!" "Everybody's doing it!" "It's all about appearances!" "It's exactly what I was going to suggest!" "We turn up in a right nice motor, they think, "Hello!" "They've a bit of money."" "They don't know it's rented and not ours." "Like Elton John and his hair!" "Exactly!" "If you can believe in it, everyone else will!" " Elton John does!" " Yeah!" "By the way, where's the shopping?" "." "It's in the car park!" "Wotcher, Geezer!" "Is this all right?" "." "Bish and all his oppos will be right diamond geezer sorts, won't they?" "." "They'll be proper cockneys, like Nigel Kennedy!" "I don't know, I suppose..." "I'm so excited!" "It's like Madonna and Guy Ritchie!" "I think "common" is the new chic!" "I've got a feeling about it!" "I'll be well sorted!" "Once they've copped a load of me, they'll be well gutted!" "Me old Chinese!" " Where's Stuart?" "." " Gone to the garage to hire the car." "I mean, the motor!" "I don't like hired, it means other people have been in it." "You know, used it!" " All them germs and animals and stuff!" " Animals?" "." "You know, mites and things!" "I saw a programme about it." ""The Invisible Menace," it was called." "They're absolutely everywhere!" "It's very worrying, especially bad when Stuart's doing the hiring." "He got the suits for my wedding." "Mine was alive!" "I don't know who'd been in it before me but I was like this the whole wedding!" "I scratched so much, all the guests thought I'd started the dancing!" "Eileen had the right hump." "We were only half way up the aisle!" "Is this dress all right?" "." "Obviously I want to look common, but am I showing too much of my Bath and Wests?" "." "No, it looks nice, and it's Bristols!" "I though it was Bath and Wests - breasts!" "No, it's Bristol Cities..." "Ooh, I see!" "Golly!" "This cockney rhyming slang is complicated, isn't it?" "." "I don't know how all you diamond geezers keep up with it." "Well, we don't." "Now you're telling me meaty pies!" "No, it's porky pies, porky pies!" "(CAR HORN)" "Bloody hell!" "What do you think, eh?" "." "What the bloody hell have you done?" "." "I did try to get the really long one, but I think this one looks really smart." "That is a brothel on wheels!" "Its so common!" "I'm going to have to wear something even more tarty!" "Some cockney women are behaving appallingly!" "You see, Lee, she likes it." "You're so ignorant, you just don't get it!" "What?" "." "These are the sort of cars that come with a chauffeur." "It's 60 feet long, Stuart!" "I can't drive anything that goes on longer than my marriage!" " How much was this thing?" "." " Nothing." "We just make two trips to the airport." "First we have to pick up..." "Slobodan..." "Retsske...or something." "He's either Polish or dyslexic!" " I've written it down, we're OK." " Where did you get this car from?" "." "Then we take Les Jones to Wembley Arena." "Where did you get the car from?" "." "Pikey Paulie." "The car is ours for the rest of the day, for free!" "Pikey Paulie?" "." "Are you mad?" "." "The bloke's an animal!" "At school he used to throw the javelin!" " So?" "." " During chemistry!" "He breaks people's legs!" "I like my legs!" "I need them!" "You're all right, you don't use yours much." "We're fine, just don't scratch his paintwork!" "What a car, eh?" "." " Bullet-proof, you know?" "." " Only on the outside." "My name's Stuart Ponder." "This is your chauffeur, Lee." "Just got to go up the escalator." "Moving staircase...magic." "Before we go to the hotel, I'd like to point out some historic landmarks." " Over here..." " Over here is, what we call in English, a biro, the actual one that William Shakespeare used to write his play, "Cats"" "before he discovered the potato." " Over here..." "Bish!" " Bish!" " Carry that, will you?" "." " Yes, and this." "Be careful with this one, too." "I thought it was you!" "I'm off to Amsterdam to do a bit of business." "When I see you Saturday, not a word to Denise, yeah?" "." " Good trip?" "." " Eh?" "." "(SPEAKS EAST EUROPEAN LANGUAGE)" "Yeah, we're having a bit of trouble with the staff!" "Please!" "To take?" "." "To take!" "Now, now, calm down, Sl..." "Sl..." "Slobi..." "Look, we bought you a new hat!" "(TALKS ANGRILY)" " Blimey!" "What's up with him?" "." " His hat's too tight!" "Now, now, how many times have I told you, this bag never leaves my side!" "Or this one!" "Or this one here!" "Especially not this bloody great huge one here!" "Don't let him tell you again!" " Casino!" " Yes!" "Yes, take us to the casino!" "Put these in the boot!" "No, Slobodan, not in there!" "Not in there!" "Sort him out, Lee!" "So, Bish, how's business, then?" "." "Sweet!" "I'm thinking of retiring, actually!" "It is custom here for you to drive." "And we sit in the back." "Just one time." "It's how we say welcome!" "Ah!" "Understand!" "Resumbia!" "Much welcome!" "Welcome!" "If you're picking a fight, I'm not in the mood, right?" "." "Dobkya!" "Welcome!" "He's new!" "(STUART) Heather?" "." "Party time!" "Have you washed the limo again?" "." "Just a quick wipeover." "You made a dirty mark." "I washed it off and then that bit was cleaner than the rest of the car..." "A little bit cleaner, so I did it all again to make sure." "Get a move on." "I want to do the outside, too." " Lee!" " Yes?" "." " Did you draw this?" "." " Yes, yes, yes!" "It's a direct route to Bish's in the Bishop's." "In case of emergencies, I've marked every clean toilet from here to King's Drive." "The dodgy ones, in case of direst need, are marked blue, hospitals are in red." "You might want to wash the limo eight more times." "Have you marked the carwashes?" "." "Don't be silly, there wasn't room for that." "I did that on a separate map." "Boys, has anyone seen my pashmina?" "." "Come on, we're going to be late!" "(EAST EUROPEAN)" "Welcome!" "Custom!" "Oi!" "Get out of there!" "(LEE) You hired the car." "(STUART) I didn't drive it into the carwash with the sunroof open, did I?" "." "(LEE) Look at us!" "We look like we're hanging upside down!" "You look like Don King!" "We're very early." "Is that all right?" "." "It is common to be early!" "Of course, that's what we're being, common!" "Blinding!" "Are we early enough?" "." "We're not early, we're going to the airport, I told you." "We're picking up Les Jones and we're going to Wembley and then we'll go to the party!" "(MOBILE PHONE RINGS)" "Stuart Ponder, in transit." "Pikey?" "." "Yeah, all right..." "We're at the mini-roundabout..." " (LEE) Is it clear?" "." " Yeah, absolutely." "Right..." "I can see a jam jar!" "Oh, shit!" "There was a car on my right, and my pants are full!" "Pikey?" "." "That was the radio." "I'll have to speak to you later." " You'll speak to me now!" " Pikey!" "Hello, Mr Paulie!" "You have just drove into my BMW... ..with my stretch!" "Pikey, I'm sure we can sort out this mess in a civilised manner!" "We apologise unreservedly for trashing your beautiful but uninsured motor cars." "And you will pay me £20 a week." "And we will pay you £20 a week." " For life!" " For life?" "." "Now, you will invite me to the Bish's party where there are many business opportunities." "Eh?" "." "INVITE ME, THEN!" "Would you like to go to Bish's party tonight?" "." "It's a bit short notice!" "Oh, yeah, Pikey." "He's worked with us for years." "What can you do?" "." "Shame, ain't it?" "." "Bungle!" "Is Zippy doing that airport job or what?" "." "Don't worry about it, Pikey!" "(Over here a minute.)" "Excuse I." "Pikey, don't say anything, but there's something you should know." "They all think I own the limo." "We're not chauffeurs, got it?" "." "Got it!" "Well?" "." "Don't worry, Pikey, Les'll be treated like a prince!" " Who's Les?" "." " Les Jones." "Remember?" "." "The airport job?" "." "Les Jones?" "." "Les Jaunes, you div!" "Les Jaunes are a circus act." "There's five of them." "Why do you think I booked the limo?" "." "No worries, Pikey, Lee'll handle it!" " Yeah?" "." " Yeah."