"[ thunder crashing ] [ drilling, sawing ]" "[ electricity crackling ] lt's alive!" "[ upbeat pop music plays ]" "Blam!" "Blam!" "I'm Magnum P.l." "♪ I wear Hawaiian shirts, and I got a hairy chest ♪" "Blam, punk!" "Vroom, vroom!" "Almost time for dinner, dear." "Shut up, Higgins!" "Puh, puh, puh, puh, puh, puh, puh, puh, puh, puh, puh, puh." "Howdy, Magnum." "What's up, T.C.?" "I'm a helicopter." "Wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh." "There's that meddling private investigator who broke up my drug-smuggling ring." "Uh, you sure about that?" "Shirt, hat." "It's got to be him." "I'm gonna teach that son of a bitch a lesson he'll never forget!" "Vroom, vroom." "Gotcha, Magnum!" "All right, Magnum." "Who tipped you off?" "Who's the rat in my organization?" "I want my mommy-y-y!" "Okay, I'm losing faith that this is the real Magnum." "What makes you say that?" "Well, 'cause this Magnum just crapped himself." "Wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh." "You all better let Magnum go, suckers!" "Wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh." "Holy shit!" "They got a chopper!" "Get us the hell out of here!" "Hold on!" "Oh, my God!" "We ran over that kid!" "Where's your air support now, Magnum?" "I want to go ho-o-o-me!" "Let go of the wheel." "[ explosion ]" "I'll get you next time, Magnum P.l." "What?" "What the hell just happened?" "[ whimpering ] [ growling ] [ laughs ]" "Only a silver bullet can kill me." " Well." " Uh." "No!" "No!" "Ah!" "Ah!" "Ah!" "Ah!" "Ah!" "Stop it!" "Stop it!" "[ breathing heavily ]" "Huh?" "What the fuck!" "Ow!" "Jesus!" "Ow!" "Ow!" "Ow!" "Ow!" "[ grunting ] [ farting sporadically ]" "[ farting loudly ] [ toilet water splashing ]" "[ farting and splashing continues ] [ flushing ]" "The book says he's still not dead." "It has to be a silver bullet." "But that's a bunch of crap!" "Whoops!" "Dr. Bruce Banner -- physician, scientist -- searching for a way to tap that." "[ vocalizing holiday music ]" "There you go, baby." "Thanks for sucking on my candy cane." "This is a lollipop." "[ telephone rings ]" "[ German accent ] Did you get Santa's DNA?" "And then some." "Did you get the DNA of Frosty the Snowman?" "Uh, sure." "Sure, I did." "Excellent." "When I combine the DNA of Santa Claus und Frosty the Snowman, I will create a holiday character so alluring, no child alive will ever again fail to enjoy Christmas." "That's not very evil." "Christianity will reign supreme." "Judaism, Hinduism, Islam, and Buddhism shall wither and die." "Oh, now it's evil again." "[ thunder crashing ]" "Yes!" "Yes!" "Oh, almost forgot." "Yes!" "Yes!" "Now, my glorious creation, go forth und bring Christmas to the world!" "[ laughs evilly ]" "Ho." "Ho, ho." "Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho." "Let's start with your gifts." "Oh, boy!" "Oh, boy!" "Oh, boy!" "Mmm!" "[ chuckles ] I lo-o-ve cookies!" "[ laughs ]" "Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!" "Here's composite Santa!" "Aah!" "Ho, ho, ho, ho!" "Oy!" "Right in the matzo balls." "Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!" "[ children cheering ]" "Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!" "Oh, no." "He's totally mashing my mellow, man." "Why?" "Boom shacka lacka!" "Are you kidding me?" "I forgot the batteries?" "Oh, nothing ruins Christmas morning like -- ah." "Here we go." ""C" cells." "Boom shacka lacka!" "And the genocidal villain known as composite Santa Claus is currently standing trial before a United Nations tribunal." "A death sentence seems a slam dunk." "Okay, okay, plan "B."" "Go get me the DNA of a komodo dragon und a leprechaun." "Ah, and..." "Go!" "[ laughter ] [ breathing laboriously ]" "This just in." "A five-alarm fire has broken out on the corner of 101st and Broadway." "Firefighters are working diligently, but police say there is a child still trapped inside." "[ beeping ] [ tires screeching ] [ sirens wailing ]" "Somebody help!" "There's a kid in there!" "[ hydraulics whirring ] [ talks indistinctly ] I see you." "[ breathing laboriously ] [ dog whimpering ] [ grunting ] [ dog yelps ]" "And just as quickly as he appeared, the mystery man vanished." "Just another unidentifiable figure in a city of eight million." "Whoever you are, we thank you." "Yea-a-a-h." "[ breathes laboriously ]" "Hi!" "I'm selling girl scout cookies." "Would you like some?" "Yeah, you got any Samoas?" "Oh, no, I'm sorry." "But I have lots of Trefoils." "Oh." "Aah!" "With this glaive, I shall save" "Princess Lyssa and the planet Krull from the evil of the beast." "Ugh." "The glaive is stuck in my back, isn't it?" "An entire hit squad taken down just like that?" "It's impossible." "Not impossible." "Daredevil." "Daredevil?" "That's just a myth." "Oh, really?" "[ gasps ]" "Where did that come from?" "Okay, if I'm gonna do this right, I'll need a good, let's say, 20 square feet." "That means I should knock the thugs out... here, here, and... here." "Hey!" "Hey!" "Homeless!" "I'm putting my D's here, my big flaming' D's." "Fuck you!" "Hey, what are you doing?" "!" "That gasoline is just gonna evaporate." "You've got a point." "Give me that sterno." "Hey, I was gonna eat that!" "He-- [ clang!" "]" "Oh, my God!" "Hannah Montana, will you sign the latest album for me?" "!" "Oh, sure." "Where is it?" "Oh, I don't buy CDs anymore." "Sign my iTunes." "Thanks." "You're the best." "Oh!" "One more thing." "[ school bell rings ]" "Settle down, people." "[ crying ]" "Lilly, Oliver." "Why are you crying?" "I'm crying because Miley " "Shh!" "Lilly, we got to keep Miley's secret." "Uh." "Miley is... home with diarrhea." "[ laughter ]" "Well, our midterm is tomorrow, so let's hope her stool tightens considerably." "Oh, Miley." "My darlin' baby girl." "Oh, Mr. Stewart, such a shame about your client." "Will your daughter, Miley, be coming by to pay her respects?" "[ sobbing ]" "Oh, there there." "A big hug from your daughter will cheer you up." "I'm sure she's just stuck in traffic." "Oh, God." "All right, come on, Lilly." "Help me." "Oliver, this feels wrong." "Hey, we were Miley's best friends." "We got to protect her secret at any cost." "And that means getting her to that midterm." "[ horn honks ] [ gasps ] Oh, no!" "I'll be right back with your drinks, Miss Lohan" "Hannah Montana?" "The tabloids said you were dead." "I hate those liars!" "Ha ha!" "You need some hair of the dog." "Hey, waiter!" "[ blows air ]" "Who do I got to fuck to get a fresh round of Minnie's Drivers over here?" "!" "Oh, hey, what's up?" "Uh, did you happen to see a limp, blond girl fly through the window?" "Oh, my God." "Whoo-hoo!" "Yeah!" "Ménage à twat!" "Oh, no, Señorita Lohan." "Se puede peligro mi trabajo." "I'm sorry." "Hannah's got rehearsal." "[ laughs ]" "Rehearsal, Urkel." "Let's have an adventure!" "Yeah!" "[ laughs ]" "Aa-oo-gah!" "Ha!" "Look at me!" "I'm bankrupt!" "[ laughs ]" "Whoo-hoo-hoo!" "[ screaming ]" "Uh, Lindsay." "Captain Lohan!" "Ah, watch out!" "Smile sharks!" "They want our gold!" "[ dolphins chirping ]" "No way." "He's a witch!" "[ sizzling!" "]" "I got to drop some shit off at the pool." "Let's get the hell out of here." "Oh, what smells like a baby's ass full of Indian food?" "No talking during the test, people." "There she is!" "What's going on here?" "My daughter, Miley, who is really..." "Hannah Montana!" "[ indistinct shouting ]" "Oliver, do something!" "Run, Miley!" "Run!" "And that's how we'll end "Hannah Montana"" "if you ever get knocked up like that "Zoey 101" whore!" "Got it, Cyrus?" "I won't, I won't." "I promise." "[ sobbing ]" "♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪" "♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪" "♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪" "♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪" "♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪" "♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪" "♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪" "♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪" "♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪" "Ba-gawk!" "Bawk."