"This podcast of This American Life is supported by... we're not gonna do that." "Welcome to BAM!" "please turn off your cellphones and other devices." "Photography and recording are strictly prohibited during the show." "specifically hired you to do that." "ignore this message." "Just film the show like we talked about?" "And now would be a good time to start." "everybody." "I'm speaking today from the Brooklyn Academy of Music in New York City." "and we're not gonna beep that." "it almost feels wrong to tell it in a room this grand." "It's about a real opera singer – not super-famous or anything like that." "Carin Gilfry makes about half of her living singing." "The other half she makes recording audio books." "and the hotel room was kind of noisy." "and sat on the floor with a microphone." "which had a fan that made noise." "which had the book she was reading." "And she began." "written by Trisha Sugarek and narrated by Carin Gilfry." "Chapter 1:" "Where is Emma?" "The enchanted forest was deep and green and splashed with – wouldn't it be incredible if I played you the entire audiobook?" "right?" "because Carin gets exactly two and a half sentences into this book." "and she decides to just start again from the beginning." "She gets up to start the recording again." "And she tries to get out of the closet." "shit." "And she discovers that she's locked in." "my god." "Seriously?" "this isn't going to be that hard." "She has the iPad." "There's Wi-Fi." "right?" "But there was a problem." "and kept cutting out." "But I found the hotel number." "This of course is on the recording." "212-661-9600." "I dialed it." "Thank you for calling the Roosevelt Hotel." "Please listen carefully to the following options." "please visit our website – it's the longest hotel phone menu ever." "press 3." "press 4." "press 5." "I'm trying to press 0 to get to the operator." "The Wi-Fi might cut out at any moment." "and finally I hear – press 8." "So I press 8." "Reservations." "May speaking." "May I assist you?" "I'm actually in room 1136." "Hello?" "Can you hear me?" "Can you hear me?" "Fuuuck!" "there's seven minutes of total silence on the recording." "Carin just laughs to herself." "It happens one minute and 48 seconds after the call." "Then it's quiet." "There's no other sound for 44 seconds." "you hear –" "(chuckling) thinking this can't really be true." "There's got to be a way this is going to work." "she hears people." "she has the skills for this very situation." "can someone help me?" "Hello?" "Can someone help me?" "The Germans come to the door of the room." "They whisper for a little bit." "And then –" "– they do nothing." "Hello?" "Fuck." "hears nothing back." "somebody taps on the door of the hotel room and calls through it. "Are you OK?" "come in!" "Can you come to the door?" the person asks." "I can't." "I'm stuck in the closet. (chuckling)" "Hello?" "Where are you?" "thank you." "and I was trying to narrate a book –" "Good." "Oh-- my god." "but she couldn't help herself." "you know?" "Apparently the Germans went and they found this very sweet Jamaican housekeeper." "the housekeeper set her free." "she was so nice." "but is it appropriate to tip in a situation like that?" "I don't know." "I didn't think of it then." "and operas are all about spectacle." "grand feelings." "It would be hard to get further from that to what happened to her in that closet –" "– where all the action takes place in a space not much bigger than your body." "It is the simplest plot imaginable." "There's literally no movement in the story." "how would that go?" "actually." "right." "help!" "and I'll put that quote at the end of the story." "Put a little plinky music under it." "Maybe you've heard our show." "wait a second." "I don't have to let this stop here." "I am actually gonna be in an opera house soon." "I can reach higher." "the step you need an opera house for." "I actually have a hook-up for the kind of music that Carin is talking about." "Some of you know this." "I have a cousin." "His name is Philip Glass." "He has –" "– written a number of minimalist operas." "They have been performed here on this very stage since the 1980s – and he sat down to write." "I am pleased to present here on the Brooklyn Academy of Music Opera House stage –" "– the world premiere of his latest opera – I am not joking – called Help." "please welcome Philip Glass." "– mezzo-soprano." "♫ Help!" "Help!" "Help!" "Help!" "Help!" "Help!" "Help!" "Help!" "♫ Help!" "Help!" "Help!" "Help!" "Help!" "Help!" "Help!" "Help!" "♫ Help!" "Help!" "Help!" "Help!" "Help!" "Help!" "Help!" "Help!" "♫ Help!" "Help!" "Help!" "Help!" "Help!" "Help!" "Help!" "Help!" "♫ Help!" "Help!" "Help!" "Help!" "Help!" "Help!" "Help!" "Help!" "♫ Help!" "Help!" "Help!" "Help!" "Help!" "Help!" "Help!" "Help!" "♫ Help!" "Help!" "Help!" "Help!" "Help!" "Help!" "and Philip Glass." "I'm Ira Glass." "music and opera." "we wanted to live up to that tradition by trying to invent something new." "but presented as radio drama." "into a full-on Broadway musical." "structured like a radio documentary." "There are so many ways you can tell a true story." "instead of applying the tools of journalism to everyday stories –" "– we try to harness the full power of music and theater." "Like Carin's story – we are not done with Carin's story." "you could do it is as a minimalist opera." "But what if you wanted to stage it as an old-school opera-opera?" "The kind that they take you to on field trips when you're a kid." "and she was game to speculate." "opera is long." "Maybe the elves from the book would come and prance around and sing about the enchanted forest." "That was the book I was narrating." "♫ We are the elves from Carin's story." "We are the elves from Carin's story." "We are the elves." "We are the elves." "We are the elves." "We are the elves." "We are the elves." "We are the elves." "We are the elves." "My name is Cheets." "I'm Violet." "My name is Cheets." "I'm Violet." "We are the elves." "We are the elves." "We are the elves." "We are the elves." "We are the elves." "We are the elves." "We are the elves!" "also you would want –" "The people." "The people walking around the closet." "The German people." "There could be a "just got to New York" aria sung in German." "[SINGING IN GERMAN]" "We have just arrived." "The air is dirty and smoggy." "[SINGING IN GERMAN] please?" "[SINGING IN GERMAN]" "I don't know if you caught the German there." "impossible –" "– everyone in this country is illiterate." "who Carin calls from her iPad." "my life is so boring." "and people ask for room service." "and she doesn't even know it." "♫ Oh!" "It's so boring." "♫ It's boring as can be!" "♫ It's boring to sit behind this desk." "It's boring to be me!" "♫ Hello?" "Are you there?" "Can you hear me?" "♫ No one ever notices my radiant complexion." "♫ No one ever asks me for anything but directions." "Then there's the husband." "– oblivious to the pain that his wife is going through." "We could incorporate some kind of famous baritone aria." "What would be the most appropriate and ironic aria for him to be singing?" "I'm sure." "Or something about being a rescuer." "We finally settled on a scene from Rigoletto –" "– where the title character who loves his daughter more than anything in the world rages against courtiers – he sings." "Open up." "[SINGING ARIA FROM "RIGOLETTO"]" "that was great." "Carin will be so proud of me." "The climax of our opera arrives with the entrance of the housekeeper." "What should she be like in the opera version of our story?" "Gosh." "Maybe she just rescues people all day." "and she delivers a baby." "And then she cleans up after it." "she saves a guy who's out on the ledge." "She gets him to come inside." "♫ What is it now?" "You've locked yourself in?" "♫ I just delivered a baby in room 310 extinguished a fire!" "♫ It's time to retire." "this little door's no match for me!" "I'll set you free!" "♫" " I can't believe – ♫" " She can't believe –" "♫" " I am free." "♫" " She is free." "♫ Out of the closet." "♫ And into the light." "♫ Her clothes are all the same." "♫ I don't get paid enough." "I don't get paid enough." "[GERMAN CONVERSATION]" "[OPERA COUNTERPOINT]" "[GERMAN CONVERSATION]" "[OPERA COUNTERPOINT]" "Seriously." "True story." "or Trapped in the Closet – music direction and keyboards by William Hobbs." "Candice Hoyes and Sarah Craft as elves –" "Adrian Rosas as the husband –" "Jeanine de Bique as the housekeeper – as the German tourist with Heather Buck –" "And mezzo-soprano Carin Gilfry as herself." "the Musical." "I've always wondered what it would mean to try one of our radio stories as a musical." "that my sense of what makes a satisfying story – much more than from TV or movies." "If you think about the classic old musicals –" "– Fiddler on the Roof or even A Chorus Line – then there's something really emotional –" "They're about some bigger idea." "They take you into this world." "I just love that." "What you're about to hear is our first attempt at a musical based on journalism." "I'll say that upfront." "It's based on a true story you may remember from our radio program." "Florida –" "– young police officers were sent undercover to pose as students." "They went to classes." "They ate in the cafeteria." "of course." "There had been complaints about drugs being sold at these schools." "What happened next was transformed into a musical by a team of people who usually do this on Broadway." "Michael Mayer – all from Broadway." "Words and music are by Lin-Manuel Miranda –" "– probably best known for writing and starring in In the Heights." "He will be your narrator." "The plan was called Operation D-minus." "One school included in the plan was Park Vista Community High School –" "– where a kid named Justin Laboy –" "♫ That's me." "– an 18-year-old honor roll student – man." "– was in the last semester of his senior year." "when a very pretty girl showed up." "♫ Naomi!" "In not one but two of his classes." "♫ Naomi!" "She sat in front of him." "He switched seats." "♫ Naomi!" "The last name she used was –" "♫ Rodriguez." "what drew you to Naomi initially?" "she used to fall asleep in class." "♫ She was a light-skinneded Puerto Rican-Dominican." "whoa." "whoa." "though." "♫ She said she moved with her mother to Florida from New York." "♫ Where dreams are made." "hi." "and I talked more." "more!" "what the heck I gotta do to be with you?" "♫ What the heck I gotta do?" "♫ What the heck I gotta do to be with you?" "♫ What the heck I gotta do?" "♫ Tell me who I gotta be for you to be with me." "You told her all this in class?" "yeah." "I texted her!" "You know." "what the heck I gotta do to be with you?" "♫ L-O-L-O-L-O-L!" "♫ What the heck I gotta do to be with you?" "♫ R-O-F-L-O-L!" "♫ Tell me who I gotta be for you to be with me." "♫ Smiley face." "we're texting day and night." "♫ I trust her right away." "whoa!" "bro." "she listens to all my problems." "♫ I let her copy all my homework." "♫ And then I lay it all on the line." "And she was like – no –" "♫ No!" "She didn't say no exactly." "I don't know." "no!" "I was surprised." "I'm a pretty great guy." "♫ So?" "So?" "♫ So I decided I needed to step my game up." "♫ Oh." "Oh." "Oh!" "Oh." "♫ It's too late to be shy." "and I serenaded her." "what the heck I gotta do to be with you?" "♫ What the heck I gotta do?" "♫ What the heck I gotta do to be with you?" "♫ What the heck I gotta do?" "♫ Tell me who I gotta be for you to go to prom with me!" "You asked her to the prom?" "♫ Yeah!" "I danced and everything." "♫ Naomi!" "♫ Naomi!" "I know there's a reason you were transferred here to me." "this isn't luck." "It's destiny." "♫ Naomi!" "You know me!" "Will you go to prom with me?" "♫ I'll think about it." "♫ She'll think about it." "She'll think about it." "She'll think about it." "♫ She said she'd think about it." "♫ Think about it." "She'll think about it." "♫ Yes!" "I didn't say yes." "I didn't say I'll think about it." "I can't tell you my real name." "I can confirm that I did get asked to the prom." "The undercover officer who posed as Naomi is 25 years old –" "– a new recruit with the Palm Beach Police Force." "who's selling." "♫ Mostly pills and weed." "You would not believe –" "♫ – how easy it is to get pills and weed." "What's the hardest part?" "The cafeteria." "Imagine hundreds of teenagers yelling and running full speed." "And the lack of deodorant..." "Let's just say I would drink at the end of the day." "these kids need to learn there are consequences in life." "I am making life safer one school at a time." "So he asked you to prom?" "♫ Right." "I gave every excuse." "by the way." "I'm just a transfer." "I wouldn't feel comfortable with all your friends." "♫ And it's true you make friends on the job." "Then it ends." "and defenseless." "the ones that you think about after you're gone." "these kids need to learn there are consequences in life." "I am making life safer one school at a time." "Meanwhile –" "♫ What the heck I gotta do to be with you?" "♫ What the heck I gotta do?" "♫ Tell me who I gotta be for you to be with me." "♫ Do you smoke?" "♫ Do you smoke weed?" "I don't." "But if that's what you need –" "♫ I can find some for you." "I can be your supply." "♫ You would do that for me?" "yes!" "these kids need to learn there are consequences in life." "♫ I'll get whatever you need!" "I am making life safer one school at a time." "I'm not a drug dealer." "and I got it for her the very next day." "and I can't get it." "trying to get this pot to sell her?" "what the heck am I doing?" "I never done this before." "I'm really scared and skeptical at the same point." "and he's like – why are you asking me?" "Because I don't hang out with guys like that!" "What did you end up doing?" "I called a cousin who called a cousin who called his friend – 'cause it doesn't end." "My cousin Justin's looking for a little something-something – some girl he wants to be touching." "♫ Everybody's got a cousin who can hook them up with something." "We were just discussing our cousin Justin." "got the colleges buzzin'?" "Are we close to our cousin Justin?" "Are we supposed to trust him?" "man." "♫ Everybody's got a cousin who can hook them up with something." "Did you get it yet?" "I'm about to get it." "Is your dealer a student?" "girl." "Don't sweat it." "Let me know when you got it." "As soon as I can." "Justin." "man!" "what is up with this fussin'?" "This isn't up for discussion." "and we love him." "look at Justin." "He's blushing." "Our little Justin is crushing." "Sorry for rushing to judgement." "Why should we get you these drugs?" "♫ Love!" "What?" "♫ Only if you believe in love!" "♫ Love!" "Only if you believe in love." "Get him the stuff." "I hand my cousin 25 ducats." "I'm sweating buckets." "He hands me a sandwich bag with some little green nuggets." "I got it for you." "X-O." "Cool." "You want it now?" "See you at school." "♫ Everybody's got a cousin who can hook them up with something." "♫ Love!" "♫ Only if you believe in love!" "Justin is a drug dealer." "Maybe Justin didn't know where to get drugs." "Maybe he did." "What we know is this." "Justin brought a rolled-up baggie of marijuana to school for Naomi." "I'm actually about to do this." "and I sat down right next to her." "And she was like – do you have it?" "I do." "And I was like –" "You know what?" "We're going to wait for a few." "and just slide it in her hand or whatever." "So we waited." "And she was like – put it in my purse." "So I slid it right in there." "And then she was like – take the money." "♫ I don't want your money." "I got this just for you." "♫ Keep your money." "There's nothing I won't do for you." "♫ I'll come through for you every time – just in time." "just take the money." "I know there's a reason you were transferred here." "♫ You're making me feel guilty." "Take the money." "I know there's a reason." "This isn't luck." "It's destiny." "♫ You really did come through for me." "you know me." "♫ There's only one last thing you need to do for me." "♫ I will be there just in time." "Every time." "♫ Take the money." "Take the money." "♫ I don't want your money." "Justin." "♫ I got this just for you." "Keep your money." "Justin." "♫ I'll come through for you." "♫ Take the money." "♫ Every time." "Anytime." "Justin." "Justin would later find out it's a felony in Florida to sell marijuana." "And the penalty is even harsher for selling it on school property." "Justin had made an irreversibly bad decision." "he was legally an adult when he made it." "these kids need to learn there are consequences in life." "♫ I am doing my job." "I am doing it right." "♫ I am making life safer one school at a time." "the police arrested 31 students at several schools." "Justin was one of them." "Freeze!" "You have the right to remain silent." "♫ Everybody who sold drugs to undercover cops is busted." "He spends a week in jail wondering what would happen next." "It's your word against hers." "The cops have every text." "girl." "I got the stuff." "I got you." "He knew he'd lose in court." "He had to take a plea." "Three years' probation." "I plead guilty to the felony." "♫ What?" "A felony?" "A nickel bag's a felony?" "What?" "say goodbye to college." "They got you." "These kids need to wake up." "but drugs hit really close to home for me." "ecstasy." "With family members?" "Yes." "I've seen what it can do to a family." "That's all I want to say about it." "Do you wish someone like you had done this type of work?" "Yes." "And I hope someone like me keeps doing it." "Still – the ones that you think about after you're gone." "Justin couldn't help but think about Naomi." "♫ She was a light-skinneded Puerto Rican-Dominican." "whoa." "though." "if it had been a guy that came up to me asking me for drugs – get out of my face." "I don't hang out with people like that." "It's because it was her." "Have you talked to her since all of this happened?" "no." "I would love to." "I would love to have that conversation." "What do you think you would say?" "I would say –" "♫ What the heck did you do?" "What the heck did you do?" "♫ Naomi..." "What the heck did you do?" "Anthony Ramos as Justin." "and Antwuan Holley." "who also wrote the words and composed the music." "The musicians:" "Music Director Ben Cohn – with Scott Wasserman." "I should say –" "– the staging was like a 14-minute nonstop dance number from start to finish – sets." "Lots of laughs –" "Lots of laughs in today's show are visual things that you are not seeing because you're hearing it only." "you can do that right this second." "You can download video of this entire show that we're doing today at the Brooklyn Academy of Music." "thisamericanlife.org." "we are dropping the album and all the videos on the same day." "She's a role model." "the Musical." "Possibly the shortest cast album recording in Broadway history." "Of Mice and Men." "So this next bit of radio drama is not an experiment for us like a musical or an opera." "We thought it would be smart to have one story in today's show where we know what we're doing." "a true story told by the person that it actually happened to." "Please welcome comedian Mike Birbiglia." "Wow." "It's pretty easy following a musical." "I think that my favorite thing about being married is actually –" "– that you can share jokes with your wife or husband that are funny to you and that person and no one else." "your cat." "out the window." "my wife and I went on a trip to Massachusetts." "which is not funny –" "– but in our house was the joke of the year." "we're going to Cats-achusetts." "ahh!" "ahh!" "Everyone loves a good pun when you have a cat." "my wife has a headache –" "She asks me if I'll acclimate Ivan – that's our cat – to the bedroom." "because he'll explode." "And so I bring him in the bedroom." "But I'm so tired from the drive that I fall asleep –" "– which is the only thing you cannot do when acclimating an indoor cat to a house." "I wake up an hour later." "Ivan is gone." "He got out." "my cat's going to explode." "Clo – her name's Jen –" "Mr. Fantastic is gone – his name's Ivan." "And Clo gave me a look that I can only describe as "divorce eyes." "point I was convinced that we would be married forever." "I guess this could end." "it would look a lot like that." "the two of us are running around the house." "my marriage is falling apart." "My cat's going to explode." "but we had another major problem in the house." "There were mice in the house." "because they were parasitic mice." "which means they have a – and they're unafraid of people." "And the way we discovered this was that my wife was watching TV –" "– and she looked next to her." "And there was a mouse." "And he was watching TV also." "And she screamed!" "what's going on?" "I don't like this show either." "I don't know why all those women would want to marry that one guy." "And then she pushed him off the couch." "And he didn't even run away." "which is a verb invented for mice." "like a roommate – fine!" "I'll go in the other room!" "I just think you're overreacting." "And then he did a confessional into the Mouse Cam in the kitchen." "I'm not here to make friends." "I'm here to win." "I was here before they came." "I'll be here when they're gone." "I'm a mouse!" "That's from Real Mouse-wives of Cats-achusetts." "and my wife wakes me up by grabbing my face." "Mo – my name's Mike –" "Mr. Fantastic found the mouse." "You need to get the mouse." "–" "We have a cat." "We do everything for the cat." "We give him food." "We give him an apartment that he thinks is the world." "We set aside an area in the apartment for him to poop in –" "– that we clean more often than the area where we poop." "We have a gentleman's agreement –" "– that in the unlikely event that a mouse should walk in that door –" "(a la Marlon Brando) – that he will kill that mouse." "And we will never speak of that mouse again." "And he will be protected." "That's from Cat-father." "get the mouse." "and I see what may be the strangest tableau I will ever witness in my entire life." "It was a little bit like that." "It was actually Ivan smacking the mouse." "walks back towards Ivan." "walks back towards Ivan." "Ivan is thrilled!" "His toy is alive!" "I have a serious sleepwalking disorder." "So as I am watching this –" "I've had this dream before." "get the mouse." "And she hands me a cup." "I sit up." "I walk towards the mouse." "And the mouse walks towards me." "I put the cup over the mouse." "I put a magazine under the cup." "and I put the mouse into the forest." "Where I can only assume that he walked into the mouth of a wolf." "we have called it Mouse-achusetts." "I want to point out something really special that happened there at the end." "I prefaced this story with a Massachusetts-based pun – is not funny." "Just moments ago –" "I concluded the story with another Massachusetts-based pun –" "– that was nearly identical." "That was Mouse-achusetts." "And we applauded." "–" "– it's like we're married." "I do!" "Mike Birbiglia." "He's on his hundred-city "Thank God for Jokes" tour – comes to the Chicago Theater in September." "To everybody hearing us on the radio –" "– there was a person in a mouse costume on roller skates doing really funny stuff." "And then another incredibly talented person." "To see the video of this entire show – you will not be sorry – thisamericanlife.org." "two voices play the same character." "We hope that makes sense." "when our program continues." "and honestly I'm not sure where it's gonna fall." "So can I just record this in a different way –" "Mike Birbiglia and the secret jokes a professional comedian usually only shares at home." "That's in a minute from Chicago Public Radio and Public Radio International when our program continues." "Coming up –" "the people at home are not gonna know why you're laughing." "they're outsiders." "creating the illusion of a magical radio world." "the person who'll save the world from the coming apocalypse." "We know who she is!" "when our program continues." "There's someone I want to bring out." "We brought him up from Florida." "who our musical is based on." "Anthony Ramos." "into the light." "Come into the light." "now we have you lit." "Take another bow." "and you were doing a musical about your life." "right?" "you know." "Was this what you expected?" "we gotta do what we gotta do." "how did he do as you?" "I couldn't have nobody else better to play me than Anthony." "Robbie Brown – that that was a real thing." "One of the highlights of the musical is when Anthony does his fake "I'm not a professional dancer"-dance." "Which looks like –" "– then there's the spider part – when you danced for Naomi." "that you did for Naomi." "Justin Laboy." "Anthony Ramos." "please welcome Stephin Merritt." "with Pinky Weitzman on violin and Sam Davol on cello." "and Antwuan Holley." "bring you different kinds of stories on that theme." "the radio drama episode." "true stories staged as radio drama." "We have arrived at act two of our program." "We have arrived at act three of our program." "I've got to take that again without you laughing." "How do you Slow this Thing Down?" "This next story is a follow-up to a story we ran a couple of years ago." "and his family." "The background is that Josh's parents got divorced when he was little." "in suburban Los Angeles." "Josh's mom and his half-brother David lived very differently." "ended up in Florida." "Barely keeping it together." "Josh's mom was an alcoholic." "David was an aspiring rapper getting acquainted with the court system." "Together they lived in this tiny condo in a retirement community called Century Village –" "– where they did not belong." "Nobody was retired." "They would get into various jams and crises." "Josh would fly to Florida to try to help." "He ended up spending a lot of time there." "What you are about to hear is an experiment at creating a radio drama –" "– with the structure of a regular documentary story on our show." "The real Josh Bearman is going to narrate." "we have actors performing scenes that really happened." "Josh is played by Josh Hamilton." "His brother David is played by James Ransone." "The story begins last year when the real Josh found himself back in Florida with his two brothers." "My mother's been in the hospital so much by now she's figured out how to direct the paramedics – to all of the best facilities." "Her room at Wellington Regional is big and bright." "It's a corner room with big windows and a nice view." "because right now –" "– she's connected to state-of-the-art equipment behind a curtain." "my brother David is there already." "man." "This whole thing was like a fucked-up remix of The Night Before Christmas." "Because it was the night before Christmas." "or – shut up." "what happened?" "You know how she gets around the holidays." "I thought you and Ethan were gonna bring her out to California." "I don't know why we didn't." "I think it was Ethan's schedule." "Or we probably just didn't try hard enough." "nah." "You never know when she's going to get all twisted like that." "I wasn't even really around." "Where were you?" "Tasha." "because they were having turkey dinner and everything – like a normal family." "man." "I was cooped up in there with Mom." "She was driving me crazy." "right?" "something happened to the car." "Something hap– What kind of something?" "I don't know!" "That's what I said!" "That sounds like something you would tell me." "I know." "And now I know how you feel." "and I couldn't get to her." "– to pick up my mom?" "So how did she get home?" "I think Peggy picked her up." "she was – she was pretty deep in it." "But it didn't seem like that big of a deal really." "so I was like – wait." "For how long?" "a day." "And you didn't call me sooner?" "a million times." "She wasn't even that worried about it." "Dave." "I'm Dr. Snyder." "Are you the older brother?" "Yes." "You have the medical power of attorney?" "Yes." "Good." "And who's Ethan?" "Our other brother." "He's also coming from –" "He has the medical power of attorney?" "Yes." "Not him?" "No." "did your mother go to Cornell?" "why?" "She told us." "What else did she say?" "That she does not consume alcohol." "Those were her last words before going under." "withdrawal told a very different story." "The first time this happened was five years ago –" "David called and told me he had to remit himself to the local sheriff's office." "just a quick jail sentence." "and Mom's in the hospital." "So I flew to Florida that next day and went straight to the ICU." "And here's what happened that time." "looks like she'll never be the same again." "are you the neurologist?" "I see we have a savvy medical consumer here." "No." "It's 2:00 AM." "I'm just the guy on rotation." "which measures brain function." "She got a 62 – probably permanently impaired." "62?" "Out of what?" "Out of 100." "Although no one ever really scores 100." "an 80." "Superman or something." "no." "You know who could get 100?" "that guy!" "including karate!" "Leonardo da Vinci." "no." "He's dead." "He would score poorly." "(chuckling) I was just –" "I'd never forget anyone's name." "He helps you realize your full potential." "uh –" "Tony Robbins?" "Yes." "Exactly." "That guy." "he could score 100." "As the medical professionals discussed how awakening the giant within can totally boost your neurological scores –" "One of the other nurses came and told me that earlier they had had to restrain my mom – she'd somehow managed to get ahold of cigarettes." "the nurse said." "That's when I knew my mother would be just fine." "everyone's favorite." "things were bad enough that I called my brother Ethan." "He can only come in a true emergency because he plays for the LA Philharmonic – and his schedule's planned out months in advance." "He took the red-eye straight from playing at Disney Hall." "man?" " I'm so glad you're here." " Thanks for coming." "buddy." " Good to see you." "I'm all right." "Nice tux." "Yeah." "Thought my stage attire might help me look a little more official." "She in there?" "Right now Ethan is working on a giant Mahler retrospective." "They're going to play all nine symphonies." "It's something that's never been done before." "this is Dr. Snyder." "Hi." "It's nice to meet you." "Your mother had a heart attack." "She has severe respiratory distress –" "– nearly septic infection." "recovery is possible but would take a long time." "And then what?" "That's a good question." "that is a good question." "I don't think David could do it." "what then?" "Where is he going to live?" "Right?" "He can't stay at Century Village." "with a perimeter." "It's like a geriatric army base." "I don't know how he hasn't gotten kicked out already." "They're definitely onto him." "If they realize mom isn't coming back –" "I'm sure we're going to get calls any day now." "Which one are you working on?" "The 8th." "right?" "though." "I know you can hear me." "and we need you." "What's it about?" "Eternal life." "(Mahler's Symphony no. 8)" "It's David who says that Mom would be happy that all three of her boys were together." "That's true." "One of the few real senses of family I can recall was summers in the Midwest with her –" "– when we were all children years ago." "normal things like that." "That's why David doesn't like being in the room much now." "trapped in so many tubes." "he says." "he's the one who's been at her bedside the most." "I can't bring myself to kiss her the way David does." "I don't know why." "I stay with David and Mom." "Time is merciless in Florida and especially merciless in the ICU." "and every afternoon I pick up David – talk to some more doctors –" "– and then maybe get dinner." "Very little changes." "I still want to show you that video I was telling you about." "right." "OK." "hold up." "Hold up." "a completely grown man –" "– is standing on some Florida crabgrass breakdancing robot-style." "And the music is a tinny Casio-sounding version of Für Elise." "he's pretty good." "I know!" "But why is this happening?" "a bunch of us." "right?" "he was doing it in my face for a really long time – man." "That he could keep it up that long?" "more that I had to watch it for so long." "right?" "I was trying not to look." "And then I couldn't look away." "Let me see that again." "yeah." "It was like I was in denial at first." "And then I accepted it." "Like the stages of grief." "Exactly!" "And then I reached some kind of state of bliss where it was so awesome that I was almost in tears." "I'm not sure that's exactly the Kubler-Ross model." "they should add that one." "The awesome state." "It's nice spending time with David." "But I'm also really worried about him." "He's had a history with pills on and off over the years." "And I suspect it's on again." "can we stop over at the Victory?" "That's a gas station down on Okeechobee Boulevard." "And Victory's a total misnomer for the kind of place –" "– where you pull in and see a bunch of weird dudes crouching around the entrance." "Like it's a totally normal social spot." "which is weird." "I'm pretty sure something illicit is happening but I don't want to ask." "I don't want to be "The Man" with David." "And he probably wouldn't tell me anyhow." "David says." "just your regular nighttime rendezvous in the parking lot of an off-brand gas station." "I'm good." "but Mom and David are a team." "but a team nonetheless." "And they've taken care of each other." "if Mom doesn't make it whether David will." "we'll load her up and get her over to the hospice facility." "I'm just a little concerned that she can hear you." "I think that she understands you." "an adjustment to end-of-life care – she's right there." "Right." "Do you have any other questions?" "yeah." "Yeah." "I was wondering about Xanax." "which is also for anxiety." "It's –" "I meant for me." "I'm not talking a whole prescription or anything." "a couple just for right now." "I'm sorry." "I can't accommodate that request." "I'm gonna go outside and smoke." "This shit is getting a little too real for me right now." "but warm." "People are allowed to bring pets and stuff." "the intake guy was very excited to tell us." "I spent some time going through Mom's things." "bearing faded numbers in Mom's perfect cursive." "How can we call her friends?" "no one visited her in the hospital." "We should have called people sooner." "she didn't want visitors at the hospital." "but they might want to see her." "I don't have her friends' numbers." "I need you to help me figure this out." "I gotta take care of some shit right now." "Where are you going?" "you've been wandering in and out of here for weeks." "Is it pills or what?" "and –" "So?" "That can wait." "What is with all the weird petty dramas?" "like Jimmy Carter at Camp David." "I got Peggy's number." "Why didn't you tell me that before?" "You didn't ask?" "you call her fucking friends." "she can hear you." "I know that you want to be all mad at me right now because you're mad at yourself or something –" "– but this whole situation is fucked up." "I accepted it a long time ago." "I accept that it's fucked up." "I've been here for six weeks." "And I appreciate everything that you have done." "But I've been here the whole time." "When Mom fell and knocked herself out or when I found her in the backyard –" "– or when I took her to get the last of her teeth removed." "but it is what it is." "Mom is my best friend." "you're gonna get to go home." "I'm going to be the one who's stranded here." "I have to go." "Sebastian locked himself in his garage somehow." "And you should call Peggy." "But do that shit outside." "and she rubs my palm." "I think David's right." "She knows." "her grip gets a little stronger." "I look in her terrified eyes and see my own." "she takes my hand with both of hers." "It's the biggest show of purpose in weeks." "or her papery fingers." "No one else is here." "It's just us." "there was a message on my phone from the hospice before I got up." "I know." "They always say it was peaceful." "They made arrangements with the King David Cemetery for the next day." "my stomach hurts." "and cheese biscuit I ate this morning." "Hm." "I'm gonna guess it's the former." "I don't know." "That shit was pretty gross." "You want to hear something funny?" "you know?" "the TV goes black." "shit." "This is all I need right now." "as usual." "such a Mom-type scenario." "It's just exactly the type of thing that she would have done." "I –" "I kinda thought it was like Mom saying a little hello." "I'll be OK." "I hope so." "All right." "Let's get rolling." "bringing up steam from the grass." "and the two Haitian dudes lounging on tombstones waiting to fill in the grave –" "– there are only nine people listening." "The scene feels like a frontier funeral." "A clutch of poor souls standing around a pine box." "Like we should leave here in a covered wagon and keep heading west – too." "Joshua Bearman." "Josh Hamilton played him." "James Ransone played his brother David." "Matt Marks was Ethan and played the French horn." "who also played the rabbi." "Nurses were Carolyn Baeumler and Zakiya Young." "Terry Kinney directed the story on the stage." "We've been planning for months that Stephin Merritt was going to sing a song at this point in the show." "that's crazy." "My mom – his mom in the story – used to babysit for Stephin Merritt." "Josh Bearman's mom Susan babysat for him." "Stephin Merritt." "[MUSIC - "HOW DO YOU SLOW THIS THING DOWN?" BY STEPHIN MERRITT] with Pinky Weitzman on violin and Sam Davol on cello." "Stephin Merritt plays in a number of bands." "His latest album is from The Magnetic Fields." "It's called Love at the Bottom of the Sea." "While they're setting up this – or clearing off this next thing –" "– I'm supposed to kill a little time." "So I'm gonna tell you a story." "I lost my voice." "I got laryngitis on Thursday." "if you're gonna lose your voice –" "– the very best place to do it is in a room with nine opera singers –" "– and like 15 people who work in musical comedy." "Because everybody had a remedy." "all kinds of recommendations." "that you breathe into – sort of a Blue Velvet kind of thing – three people gave me the phone number – who just treats laryngitis of the stars." "This is not a joke." "You've got to see this lady." One of them had to put in a call for me." "I had to be a made man to get to see her." "Michael Mayer and Terry Kinney." "so she knew I was somebody." "But she had no idea who." "and it's like a crazy –" "I've never seen photos of famous people in a doctor's office." "And it's like Sardi's." "you're just like – is covered with them." "You walk in the door – dedicated to this doctor." "Michael Bolton." "Terry Kinney sent you here..." "Who are you?" "I know you must be important if I'm seeing you." "But I've never heard of you." "for that." "She gave me a steroid shot like Madonna in Truth or Dare." "That happened to me." "Me and Madonna!" "these Broadway and opera people – the incredible BAM crew – we wanted to put on a show." "We're a radio show." "And we brought in such a –" "It's like we brought in the Avengers to beat up the bully who's bothering our kid at school." "It's like we brought in Derek Jeter to play on our intramural baseball team." "These incredibly skilled people." "Some of them the best anywhere at what they do." "Stop!" "This next story is something that comedian Sasheer Zamata has been telling onstage in her stand-up act." "like a classic radio drama." "we have two sound men doing sound effects with a whole table of sound props." "Please welcome Sasheer Zamata." "I got into an accident on a shuttle bus." "and we were dropping it off at LaGuardia airport." "We got onto the rental car company's shuttle bus –" "– to get taken to the cab stand to get a cab to go home." "We were the only two passengers on the bus." "you two sure you want to sit back there?" "Because –" "I drive pretty crazy." "OK!" "OK." "but we didn't believe him." "We should have." "Because that's exactly what he did." "playing up the wild ride." "Woo!" "This is crazy!" "And then he hits the brakes really hard." "Whoa!" "Too crazy!" "And then we hit another car in the intersection." "Way too crazy!" "There's no seat belts on the bus." "So Nicole falls into the luggage carry in front of her." "I go flying into the air and towards the driver's seat." "it would probably take me 10 seconds." "it takes me two." "I think now I understand why flying is the fastest way to travel." "Ow!" "and my head is pounding." "that was the most realistic example of foreshadowing I've ever seen." "I drive crazy." "And then he did..." "And then we got into an accident!" "you OK?" "I want to go home!" "you can't go home." "You hit your head!" "I know." "But it's fine." "it's not fine!" "We have to go to the hospital!" "twice the size it should be." "but her face said it all." "Show them." "and the cops are already there." "and it's a tiny red car." "And we T-boned it." "with the top part very tiny and the bottom part a huge bus." "Did you ladies see what happened?" "and we couldn't actually see the traffic." "OK." "But the bus driver did it." "But you just said you didn't see anything." "and then he did drive crazy." "A concept that was still blowing our minds." "But you didn't see the accident?" "but how could it be the other guy's fault?" "We were on the bus that hit him." "can someone take my friend to the hospital?" "She hit her head real hard." "Nicole was amazing in high-stress situations." "Like the time I told her I was pregnant." "we didn't use a condom." "And I haven't had my period in a while." "This is OK." "You are alright." "I support whatever you want." "I don't know what I'm supposed to tell my family." "whatever you want." "I just can't have a kid right now." "alright?" "OK?" "Thank you." "I really appreciate this." "And –" "April Fools!" "What the fuck?" "What the fuck is wrong with you?" "See?" "She's a great friend." "And the perfect person to have for this stupid bus accident." "The bus driver's boss comes out of nowhere to defend his employee." "He didn't do it." "Yeah." "I believe you." "Are you kidding me?" "!" "We get onto an ambulance towards the hospital." "The driver of the other car is already there." "He's much chattier than most after a serious accident like this." "So you guys were on that bus?" "yes." "We were." "It was a rental company bus." "Did you rent a car?" "yeah." "We rented a car to go to Boston." "cool." "What was going on in Boston?" "we were there for a festival." "What kind of festival?" "A comedy festival." "Wow!" "So you're a comedian?" "Yes." "too?" "Don't talk to me!" "I don't know why I didn't just do that!" "Telling a person who's not a comedian that you're a comedian – because the conversation that follows is never good." "So you're up in Boston." "Did you make any jokes about baked beans?" "They love them up there." "I didn't make any jokes about baked beans." "–" "(vaguely Kennedy-esque) "pahk the cah." "They'll flip out." "That's for your act." "You can have that one for free." "Thank you very much." "I'm gonna stop talking now because my head really hurts." "I get it." "It's not a joke." "I get it." "–" "– but we went to Elmhurst Hospital." "It was the dirtiest hospital I've ever been to in my life." "–" "– loose muffins on the floor – whole muffins." "There was also a sign behind the nursing station –" "Nurses: do not eat behind the nursing station!" "Which made me wonder what kind of voracious nurses – who couldn't control their hunger." "–" "– and this old janitor comes out to clean it." "just a dry mop." "I think you've got real potential." "I'm gonna follow you on Twitter!" "I'm left with Nicole in the waiting room." "We're waiting and waiting..." "Nicole is really scared of what will happen if I fall asleep." "So she makes it her job to make sure I stay awake." "Sasheer!" "Sasheer!" "Sasheer!" "You see that doctor over there?" " Uh-huh." " Would you fuck him?" "right?" "yeah." "Sasheer?" "Sasheer?" "Sasheer?" "Sasheer?" " Are you hungry?" " Always." " You want a muffin?" " Always." " Go get that muffin!" "Get that muffin!" " I'll get that muffin." " Go get that muffin." " I'm gonna get it." "Go get that muffin!" "Go get that muffin!" "I got it." "You got that muffin!" "no!" "That's a dirty muffin." "Put that muffin down." "Maybe eat that candy off the chair." "OK." "There's nothing in here!" "no!" "The hot doctor must have eaten it all!" "He loves chocolate!" "Does that mean he'll love me?" "you're like a big brick of chocolate!" "But you have to stay awake." "Doctors don't like sleepy bitches." "I don't want to be a sleepy bitch." "Because you know what they say about sleepy bitches." "They be too tired!" "and I still haven't gotten seen." "do you know how much longer before I get seen?" "What you need to be seen for?" "I was just in a car accident." "I need someone to check my head." "Oh!" "I didn't know you were in a car accident!" "We thought you were waiting on somebody." "You look fine." "But I hurt!" "Eventually I get moved to the CAT scan area –" "– and the guy running the scan looks like he's 12 years old –" "– and he's not putting me at ease." "OK." "So what happened to you?" "I was just in a car accident." "Oh." "I couldn't tell." "You look fine." "That's what I hear." "I never get young people in here." "Usually it's a bunch of old people getting scanned." "Whoa!" "Cool gold shoes!" "Did you spray-paint those yourself?" "I did!" "That's so cool!" "I wanna get this one pair of sneakers with this design that has – please?" "He finally scans me." "And then I wait a while for the results." "You're fine." "And that was it." "I was fine." "just a really big bruise on my face." "And a lot of wasted time." "this is the second serious accident in my life." "I actually got hit by a car in college." "And that was way worse than this accident." "I had to go to physical therapy for a while –" "– I had vertigo for six months –" "– people who barely knew me –" "– it helped so much!" "This one guy in my dorm saw the accident." "He biked to the hospital to come find me." "He held my arm while the doctors picked glass out of there." "–" "I also brought you this really great vegan stew I make." "it's got chia seeds." "Wow." "sounds pretty gross." "But I'm really glad you even made it for me." "got you extensions on your papers." "but I got him." "I really appreciate you doing this." "You went above and beyond." "I'm here for you." "Namaste." "he was just a great person!" "And he wasn't the only person who would do stuff like that." "That accident made me love people!" "It restored my faith in humanity." "As opposed to this accident –" "– which made me hate people!" "Every person involved with this accident was awful." "Everyone at the accident." "Everyone at the hospital." "Except for Nicole." "She was the best part of this whole thing." "–" "– I'd like to present the last best person in New York State –" "Nicole Byer!" "if there's one person –" "OK." "OK." "That's enough..." "I hit my head really hard in the accident." "Did you hear I was in another accident?" "It made me a stronger person... thanks a lot for listening to my –" "– story." "Sasheer Zamata!" "Seth Barrish." "And 12-year-old Matthew Mindler as the CAT scan guy." "Live sound effects by Leslie Bloome with Jonathan Fang." "There is slight artistic license with some of the dialogue in this story." "asked for a comment." "Spokesperson said she'd get back to us this Wednesday." "Didn't get around to it." "and we never heard back." "where we've tried to basically –" "– overdo everything that we could think to overdo." "That's been our theme." "I don't know if you can tell." "We have one last thing like that:" "We still have to do curtain calls." "So to lead them in the most overdone way we could think of –" "Monica Bill Barnes and Anna Bass." "With this one last thing we want to share with you." "our program was produced today by myself with Robyn Semien and Robert Saenz de Viteri." "and Elise Bergerson –" "–" "Nancy Updike." "Seth Lind is our operations director." "Emily Condon's our production manager." "Adrianne Mathiowetz runs our website." "Research help from Michelle Harris and Julie Beer." "Some music in today's show by Roger Neill." "Thanks to Laura Coburn." "Thanks to all the theater professionals who took their time out from their day jobs – and to be here today – and some actual famous people." "Torey Malatia." "I will never forget the crazy birthday party –" "– where he ate slice after slice of German chocolate cake." "stop with the German chocolate cake." "You're going to make yourself sick." "And we were right." "He made himself sick." "He was green and sick and then couldn't stop saying –" "[SPEAKING GERMAN]" "I'm Ira Glass." "Back next week with more stories of This American Life."