"I'm going down to South Park Gonna have myself a time" "Friendly faces everywhere Humble folks without temptation" "I'm going down to South Park Gonna leave my woes behind" "Ample parking day or night People spouting, "Howdy, neighbour"" "I'm heading on up to South Park Gonna see if I can't unwind" "So come on down to South Park And meet some friends of mine" "Here you go, Kyle." "And here's yours, Stan." "What is this, Cartman?" "They're invitations to my birthday party this weekend." "Oh, sweet." "Your mom's giving you a big party again this year?" "That's right." "'Cause it's my birthday My birthday" "Kick ass, dude." "Cartman's mom throws the best birthday parties ever." " That's right." " Yeah." "If my mom could cook like Cartman's mom," " I'd be a big fat ass, too." " That's..." "Hey!" " Oh, Eric, I didn't get an invitation." " Oh, really?" "Gosh, where could I have put Pip's invitation?" "Let's see, Pip's invitation, Pip's invitation..." "Oh, I remember." "I shoved it up my ass." "Yes, that's right, I wrote it out, put it in an envelope, sealed it, and then... shoved it right up my ass, forever ruining any chance you had of coming to my birthday party." "Sorry, Pip, old chap." "Here's yours, Wendy, and here's yours, Clyde." "Children, children." "Today is a very special day." "No, my birthday isn't until Saturday." "I'm not talking about your birthday, Eric." "We have a new student joining our class today." "Now, some of you know what it's like to be the new kid in town so I want you all to take special care to make him feel welcome." "I want you all to meet our new classmate..." " What's your name again?" " Damien." "Say hi to Damien." " And where are you from, Damien?" " The seventh layer of hell." "Oh, that's exciting." "My mother was from Alabama." "My arrival connotes the end of the beginning, the beginning of the end." " The new reign of my father." " Your father?" "The Prince of Darkness." "Wow, we have royalty in our class." "Why don't you take your seat, Damien?" "We're going to finish our lesson on great singers of the Baroque era." "Now, children, Nancy Sinatra was quite a choice piece of ass." "Hey, new kid, do you want an invitation to my birthday party?" "Here begins the rule of pain." "The new domination of..." "Psych!" "I wasn't gonna give you an invitation." "Hey, who cut your hair?" "Stevie Wonder?" " Whoa, dude." " Damn." "What a freak." "Hey." "I had a poofie pie in that desk." "Now feel the wrath of the fallen angel." "The plague of night is upon thee." "Damien, do you need to sit in time out for a few minutes?" "You got in trouble." "You got in trouble." "Hey, Cartman, how come the birthday invitation you gave me says" " "Green Mega Man"?" " Yeah, mine says "Red Mega Man"." "Right." "That's what you're supposed to get me for my birthday." "Dude." "You're not supposed to tell people" " what to get you for your birthday." " Yeah, that's weak." "Look, it's very simple, guys." "Green Mega Man goes with Red Mega Man and Yellow Mega Man to make the Ultra Mega Mega Man." "You have to have all three or it doesn't work, see?" "Up yours, Cartman." "I'll get you whatever the hell I want." "So maybe you don't want to have any of my mom's cake, pie and ice cream, then." "Oh, Green Mega Man it is." "Now, as you can see, Kenny, you are to get me Yellow Mega Man." "That's because Yellow Mega Man is the cheapest one, and I know how poor your family is." "Hey, what do you think you're doing, new kid?" "Yeah, you can't sit with us, weirdo." "Infidels." "I will turn you all into beasts of burden." "You can't sit with us, new kid." "Go find another table." "Anyway, Kenny, Yellow Mega Man is only $8.95 so maybe your mom can put it on layaway and make payments for a year or two." "Hey!" "Oh, good day, Damien." "My name is Philip, but everyone calls me Pip" " because they hate me." " Then I will call you Pip." " Right-o." " Hey, new kid." "Kenny says he saw your mom drop you off this morning, and she's a real dog." "That does it." " What the..." " Dude." "He turned Kenny into a duck-billed platypus." " A what?" " Quack, quack." "Hey." "Turn him back, you butthole." "He has to buy me the Yellow Mega Man." " Hello, there, children." " Hey, Chef." " How's it going?" " Bad." "Why bad?" "Chef, there's a new kid in school, and he's a total weirdo freak." "Oh, children, children, you shouldn't not like somebody just because they're different." "Here, let me sing you a little song." "We're all special in our own way Everybody's different, but that's okay" "'Cause even though we might have different colour skin" "Different points of views, be tall or thin" "It doesn't mean I can't lay you down, woman and touch your silky skin" "Put my love deep inside you where no man has ever been" "Rub your legs, caress your thighs and..." " What were we talking about again?" " The new kid." "Death to the holy." "The wrath of the fallen angel now makes for you all." "Oh, that is one fudged-up little cracker." "We told you, dude." "We've got to do something, children." "He's tearing my cafeteria apart." "Bring me Jesus." "My wrath shall continue until I speak with Jesus." " Jesus?" " Jesus?" " Two minutes to air, Jesus." " Thanks, Roland." " Blessed art thou." " Jesus, Jesus." "Hi, kids, I only do autographs after the show." "No, no, there's a big problem at school." "Some new kid showed up wearing all black and Chef thinks he's evil." "Yeah, look what he did to our friend Kenny." "Quack, quack." " Wow." "That's pretty heavy." " This new kid, he just keeps throwing things around and saying stuff about his Dark Prince father coming." " He says he wants to talk to you." " The Dark Prince?" " Yeah." " Yeah." "So it was written." "And so the cycle of years brings the son of the evil one." "Oh, brother, now he's talking like the new kid." "Thou must taketh me to the seedling of Satan so mine eyes can confirm the wretched truth." "Okay." "Five minutes until recess is over, you little bastards." "Now, as you can see, the Red Mega Man uses the Mega Cycle, which is what Clyde will be getting me for my birthday." "Wendy, you were supposed to get me the Mega Power Chopper illustrated here." "But I am changing your present to the Yellow Mega Man, since Kenny has been turned into a duck-billed platypus." "That means that the Mega Man Beach House, illustrated here, will be a gift given by two people at once 'cause it costs more money..." "Our slide." "Feel my wrath." "Oh, dear, you shouldn't be so upset, Damien." "I know it's hard being the new kid, but the children may accept you some day." "I don't need acceptance." "I'm the son of Satan." "Believe me, I know what it's like not to have friends." "Perhaps you should speak to the school counsellor, he helps me a lot when I'm feeling lonely." "Damien." "Son of stench." "Cursed ruler of the weak." "So it is thou." "Son of Lucifer." "Your time on this earth is short." "Soon my father comes." "Let him come, then." "I shall stop him." "Behold." "He is already upon us." "Oh, dude." "What the hell's going on here?" "Look." "It's that guy from the public access show." "What's happening?" "Come over here if you're scared, women." "I'll protect you." "Not you, damn it." "Jesus." "My father says he chooses you." "He calls you out." "Be here at this time tomorrow." "There the terms will be discussed." "Very well." "Let the final battle between good and evil be fought right here in South Park." "Come on, Ned." "We got to get our asses to the bookie." "You're going to fight Satan?" "This fight has been ordained since the beginning." "My children, this is the most crucial and serious time of all history." "Who will win our souls?" "Our Saviour and Lord or the Prince of Darkness?" "It's the final battle between good and evil and it's only on pay-per-view." "Jesus versus Satan." "Live from the South Park Forum on Saturday." "Call now to order, only $49.95." "Hey, wait a minute." "Saturday is my birthday party." "They can't have the fight on Saturday." "I don't know what to do, dude." "Do we go to the fight or Cartman's birthday?" "Cartman's birthday." "We can't miss the final, apocalyptic battle between good and evil." "You guys." "My mom's getting a Ferris wheel." "Well, come on, we have to at least see the weigh-in." "Who the hell decided the fight had to be on Saturday, huh?" "This whole thing is a plot against me, isn't it?" "When is Satan going to show up?" " Did the Devil show up yet?" " Not yet." "Hey, Jesus, if you win the fight can you turn Kenny back to normal?" "What the hell do you mean, if I win the fight?" " Don't mind him, Jesus." "He's Jewish." " Oh." "We're all with you, Jesus." "We put every dime we have on you beating that Dark Prince." "Thank you for your faith." "But I think perhaps you don't understand the severity of the situation." "You're going kick his ass, Jesus." "Behold, the evil one approaches." "Holy poop on a stick." "Puny son of Jehovah." "Prepare to enter thy house of pain." "Holy crap, dude, Satan is huge." "Now that is a man who has eaten a lot of beef." "Son of God, I will smash thy face into small, little bits." " Oh..." "Oh, yeah?" " Damn." "I have such delightful horrors to unleash upon thee." "Oh, yeah?" "Satan weighs in at 320 pounds, 4 ounces." "Jesus Christ weighs in at 135 pounds, 1 ounce." " Oh, crap." " Oh, come on, I weigh more than that." "Let the new prince be decided on Saturday." "First South Park, then the world." "Well..." "I think I'll..." "I think I left the oven on." "Yeah." "I think I left your oven on, too." "See you, Saturday, Jesus." "Good luck." " Change my bet." " Put my money on the Devil." " I want to change my bet to Satan." " Me, too." "I was here first." "Now, as your counsellor, I want you to feel like you can tell me anything, m'kay?" "Being the new kid can be tough, but I'm your friend, m'kay?" "Everybody hates me." "Well, why do you suppose that is?" "Because I'm the son of the Devil?" "That's a good start." "Why else?" "Because I burn them and kill them?" "Well, yeah, maybe that's it." "What you need to do, Damien, is to be overly nice." "See, no matter how mean the other kids are to you, just don't retaliate." "Be passive, okay?" "That's what I taught the little British boy, Pip, and just look at how much the other children like him now." "I bet I can spit the most on him." "Oh, yeah?" "I bet I can spit in his hair." "Oh, nice try." "A little higher and you've got it." "Man, recess sucks without any slides or nothing." "Oh, here comes the unholy butthole now." "Hey." "Thanks a lot for burning everything down, you little bitch." "I apologise for ruining your playground and turning your friend into a duck-billed platypus." "I was doing my father's bidding." "I didn't have a choice." "Oh, excuse me, new kid." "I didn't mean to fart on you, I didn't have a choice." "Whew." "You stink, new kid." "You smell like a fart." "Yeah, we're gonna call you Fart Boy from now on." " Bye-bye, Fart Boy." " See you." "Good day." "How are you, Damien?" "Those guys farted on me and then called me..." "Fart Boy?" "Oh good, perhaps they won't call me that any more." "So I said, "Hello, cutie..."" "Excuse me." "I just talked to the bookie at the sports betting bar." "I have been forsaken." "It seems that several bets were changed to Satan this morning." "In fact, it seems that only one person in this entire town is still betting on me." "You should all be ashamed of yourselves." "Betting against your Lord and Saviour." "I am disgusted." "Your bet was changed as well." "You forsaked me, too." "Oh, right, well, he does have a couple hundred pounds on you, Jesus." "I implore you all." "Don't bet on the Dark One." "It is a bet that you will never win." "Jesus, I am sorry I have sinned against you." "I am going to march right over to that bookie and change my bet right now." " Oh, yeah, me, too." "Me, too." " Yeah." "Praise the Lord." "Thank you, sweet Jesus, for showing us the light." "See you later." "What the hell?" "Does he think we're all crazy?" " Yeah, gravy." " This show's gay." "Yeah." "You're all a bunch of Judases." " Hey, Jesus." " What are you doing out so late, kids?" "We have to find Red and Green Mega Mans" " for Cartman's birthday party." " Oh." "Kids, you believe I can beat Satan, right?" "Sure, dude, you're the Son of God." "Yeah." "You aren't having any doubts are you?" "No, no, no." "But could you help me train a little?" "Satan, what do you expect the outcome of the fight to be?" "I will crush him like a little bug." "Satan, what about the rumours of your involvement in the Gulf War?" "Let's focus on the fight, can we please?" "I'm so sick of people talking smack about my fighters." "All this, "He's mean, he's a dirty fighter." ""He the cause for all violence and death in the world", it's just getting old." "Let's just let everything be decided in the ring." "You guys, shouldn't you be out shopping for my birthday presents?" " Here, Jesus, drink these raw eggs." " No way, dude." "I can't..." "I can't hit Jesus Christ." "My mother would never speak to me again." " But you're his sparring partner, Chef." " Yeah, you have to hit him." "Satan must be defeated, Chef." "Please help me to train." "Okay, but I'm just going to tap you, all right?" "Give it your best shot." "Oh, God in heaven." "What have I done?" "Anybody get the number of that truck?" "Come on, kiddies." "Eat more." "Welcome, Clyde." "Please put your present on the table to your left." "Welcome, Bebe, presents go to your left." " Welcome, Chef." " Yup, here's your present, children." " Well, nice party." "See you later." " Hey, you just got here, Chef." "I know, but the fight is starting." "But, dude, check it out, Cartman's mom made chilli." "That's my favourite kind of chilli." "I guess all the kids are at that fat boy's birthday party." "Yes." "It's always such a huge event." "Sometimes I like to sneak up to the fence and close my eyes and pretend I'm there." " The other kids have always hated you?" " Oh, yes." "Actually, I think they make fun of the fat boy a lot, too, but now I think they like him because he picks on me." "In the blue corner, wearing white trunks, weighing in at a mere 140 pounds," "Jesus, El Saviour Christ!" "And in the very, very black corner, wearing very, very black trunks, the king of all that is evil, Beelzebub!" "Ladies and gentlemen, let's get ready to rumble!" "Okay, I want a good, clean fight, guys, no punches below the belt, holding or miracles." "Hey." "What the hell do you think you're doing here?" " Yeah, you aren't invited, new kid." " And neither are you, Pip." "Yes, I tried to tell Damien that we weren't invited, but..." "Wait a minute, give me a chance." "I want to do something special for your party." "Oh, no!" " Wow." " Whoa, that was cool." " Wow." " Whoa, that was cool." "Hey, you're not such a bad guy, after all, Damien." "Yeah, come on in and join the party." "Come on, you little wuss." "Fight." "Throw a punch." "Oh." "I wonder what Stan got me for my birthday present." "Oh, look." "A Blue Mega Man." "Thank you, Stan, you may eat pie and cake and ice cream now." "And what did Wendy get me?" "Oh, it's the Yellow Mega Man." "Help yourself to pie, cake and ice cream, Wendy." "Oh." "Look what Kyle got me." "It's a Red Mega..." "Ants in the Pants?" "Ants in the Pants?" " It's a game, dude." "It's really fun." " You son of a bitch!" "You were supposed to get me the Red Mega Man." "Now I can't make Ultra Mega Mega Man." " You dirty, cheap-ass piece of crap!" " They were all out of them, dude." "I hate you." "I want you to die." "Die!" "That's it." "Party is over, everybody go home!" "Get the hell out, I said!" "The party's over!" " Get out, God damn it!" " Whoa, dude, you need to mellow out." "Take your stupid Ants in the Pants with you!" "Wow, that kid has some real emotional problems." "Oh, he does this all the time." "Come on, children." "We can still catch the end of the fight." "Oh, what a splendid party." "Fight, damn it." "Dude, Jesus is getting his butt kicked." " You've got to fight, Jesus." " Why?" "What's the point?" "No one believes in me." "Everyone put their money on Satan." "My Father forsaked me." "The town forsaked me." "I'm completely forsook." "Somebody bet on you, Jesus." "You said yourself that one person still has money on you." "It doesn't matter." "He's way too strong for me anyway." "I give up." "God damn it, Jesus, snap out of it." "What would Nancy Kerrigan do, huh?" "Nancy Kerrigan wouldn't give up." "When things were looking their darkest," "Nancy Kerrigan fought to be the best." "She wouldn't stop until she was number one." "Stan." "Nancy Kerrigan wouldn't settle for second best." " Stan." " She wouldn't quit" " until she brought home the gold!" " Stan!" " What?" " Nancy Kerrigan got the silver, dude." "She came in second." " Really?" " Yeah, dude." "Oh." "Never mind, Jesus." "Nancy Kerrigan sucks." "You know." "Somebody once said," ""Don't try to be a great man, just be a man."" " Who said that?" " You did, Jesus." "You're right, Stan." "Thank you, boys." " Wow, did he say that in the Bible?" " No, I saw it on Star Trek." "Come on, sissy." "Hit me." "Hit me." "Okay, pal, you asked for it." "Oh, you got me." "One." "Two." "Three." "No way." "He barely touched him." " Seven." "Eight." "Nine." "Ten." " Come on, this is ridiculous." " Come on!" " You're out." "Our Saviour." "The winner by knockout and still undisputed ruler of your spiritual kingdom." "Jesus, El Saviour Christ." "Hey." "He isn't hurt." "He took a dive." "He threw the fight." " Yeah." " Fools." "You are all fools." "Of course I took a dive." "Don't you see?" "Who do you think was the one person that bet on Jesus to win?" "Me, you idiots." "Now I will take all your hard-earned money and return to hell a much richer Prince of Darkness and buy some real estate." " I don't believe this." " Yeah, what a mean thing to do." "Farewell, fools." "Man." "That guy is a jerk." "Jesus told you guys not to bet on Satan." "Boy, did we get screwed." "Jesus, we're sorry." "Can you ever forgive us?" "Heck, do I have a choice?" "Well, Jesus, I definitely learned my lesson." "Never bet on evil, because when you do..." "Ned, look." "There's a rare duck-billed platypus." "It's coming right for us." " Oh, my God." "They killed Kenny." " You bastard!" "Well, goodbye, guys, it was nice getting to know you." "You're leaving already?" "I have to." "My dad's always on the move." "Wow." "I feel kind of bad for that kid." "Yeah, just when he was being accepted, he has to leave and start over." "Parents can be so cruel." "Don't they realise that what a child needs more than anything is security?" "More pie, hon?" "No more pie."