"Good evening!" "Welcome to Have I Got News For You." "I'm Martin Clunes." "In the news this week, the author of 102 Uses For A Dead Cat realises it's time to write the sequel." "In Kazakhstan, the press launch of the local YMCA is beset with typing errors." "And halfway through yet another tedious Newsnight interview," "Kirsty Wark decides it's time to liven things up a bit." "APPLAUSE" "On Ian's team tonight is the pride of Dumfries, which is odd because I thought the pride of Dumfries was the fact that it had a Marks  Spencer's." "Please welcome Kirsty Wark!" "CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" "And with Paul tonight is a comedian who hails from the Deep South, by which I mean he got a cab here from Streatham." "Please welcome Reginald D Hunter!" "CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" "And we start with the bigger stories of the week." "Paul and Reg, take a look at this." "Yeah." "An aeroplane landing somewhere." "The plane has landed in..." "Oh, there is America." "Yes, this is Prince William and President Obama having a chat and that's the local staff working there overnight to try to get" "Christmas to all the children who have been promised it." "Anything else we missed out?" "Who did they meet when they were out there?" "President Obama." "Yeah, anyone else?" "They saw him." "No, just him." "Who else did they meet?" "Erm, Robert Mitchum?" "Unlikely." "Unlikely." "Who do you think they met, Reg?" "I wouldn't be surprised if they met Mrs Obama." "Yeah." "Basketball players." "Oh, yes?" "This is good." "There was a hand." "There was a hand." "In basketball, there is usually!" "There was a hand where it shouldn't be." "On Kate?" "Yeah." "Oh." "That's actually treason." "What you have just said." "I'm not sure America is still a colony, though, is it?" "So, whose hand was it?" "Was it a basketball player?" "This is a basketball player called LeBron "King" James." "He's the top layer for the Cleveland Cavaliers." "And fifth in line to the throne, by the sound of it." "Yes." "Anyway, he's a big fella and he put his arm around Kate." "Did he?" "Yes." "Which he shouldn't have done." "No." "Erm, yes." "So that was the big news of the Royal visit?" "No!" "No, no, no." "That was worth going then!" "No, at the basketball they met Jay-Z and Beyonce." "America's real first black couple." "Yeah..." "Yes." "And do you know what they did while the game was going on?" "They had a nice chat about things." "According to the Sun..." "Yeah?" "They had some popcorn and during the game, Kate dipped in for a handful..." "Erm...a bit risky with all those cameras there." "But there you go, she'd, erm..." "She'd never seen a game." "Clunes kicking off as he means to go on." "Yes, bloody right!" "He was there to promote endangered species, amusingly." "Yes, let's face it, nobody needs to hear that news like the Americans." "Not you, darling." "He was enlisting American support for his campaign to ban the trafficking of rare species, erm, including elephants and rhinos." "And he made a speech to the World Bank in which he called it" ""one of the most insidious forms of corruption in the world today."" "At which point, Fifa's ears picked up..." "Anything might have embarrassed President Obama during their visit?" "What, the report about torture coming out in the middle of it?" "I expect Prince William brought that up." "Yes, no, it is." "The publication of the Senate Intelligence Committee report into CIA torture." "Officially, 7 out of 39 detainees tortured by the CIA produced no intelligence at all while in custody." "So, to conclude, the Senate report states that" ""brutal interrogation techniques were not an effective means of obtaining accurate information." Which is why they got rid of Jeremy Paxman from Newsnight." "Do you know why it's been published now?" "Erm, cos it's true." "Well, because the Democrats lose control of the Intelligence" "Committee in 2015 and apparently the Republicans would never have published it." "Is that right?" "Erm, yeah." "Thank you, our American correspondent there." "What was missing from the Senate Committee Report?" "Stuff about Britain." "Mm-hm." "And our involvement or non-involvement, depending on whether you think Mr Blair might have done that or not." "He did." "Here's a sample page of the report." "Oh, look." "You can just read underneath," ""Tony..." "Blair..." "Did..." "It."" "This is news from United States that intolerable torture, such as sleep deprivation, has driven Wills and Kate to take a few days away from baby George." "The pair visited a basketball game, where they met LeBron "King" James." "The sports star presented the couple with a basketball jersey for Prince George, with emblazoned on the back "George 1"." "Come on, Yanks, you're six Georges out." "Also, this week in the Land Of The Free, a Senate report revealed extensive torture of terror suspects." "The CIA's system of torture techniques included "cramped confinement, sleep deprivation, use of insects, and mock burial."" "In the US, it's employed by the CIA." "In the UK, it's hosted by Ant and Dec." "The Independent listed previous controversies involving the CIA, such as the Iran-Contra scandal and the "Bag of Pigs fiasco"." "I think you can see where they went wrong there." "Ian and Kirsty, here's yours." "It's a laptop." "That's a laptop user." "Oh..." "This is the MP." "He was caught in a Parliamentary Committee playing Candy Crush." "Yeah." "Which I now know is a game." "I thought it was an actress from the '70s!" "He was playing for two-and-a-half hours." "And he was just having a quick look and thinking," ""Oh, I'll just do this..." Two and a half hours!" "Playing a game involving lining up sweets." "I don't understand why nobody noticed and said "Stop doing that"." "Perhaps they were all doing it." "He was the only one who got caught." "Do you know what he said?" "You see, if he had to play it for two-and-a-half hours, he must be really thick." "PAUL CHUCKLES" "Did you hear the Commons' reaction?" "No." "No." "Quite funny." "Um...they announced an immediate inquiry, not into what on earth an idiot MP thought he was doing, taking the piss like that, but into who took the footage." "They told the Sun that..." "And here's the Serjeant-at-Arms, setting off to investigate." "Quite hard to blend in during an investigation, looking like that." "Some support from Nigel Mills came from Edward Leigh, the Tory MP." "He told the Mail..." "His constituents are pretty cross, cos not only is the tablet thing paid for by the taxpayer, the MPs got..." "HE is paid for by the taxpayer." "And he's paid for, and he's sitting there doing nothing." "And this is a committee which is looking into work and pensions." "He's doing no work, and a HUGE pension." "Maybe they've all been given tablets so they can all play Candy Crush." "When you say they've all been given tablets," "I have this fantasy..." "Yeah, not enough." "So this is the news that Nigel Mills was caught playing a computer game on his iPad in a committee meeting this week." "After being caught playing Candy Crush in a Commons Work and Pensions committee meeting," "Mills apologised, but insisted... ..adding, "I take pension reforms" ""exceptionally red jellybean, yellow lemon drop, orange lozenge."" "Among those to attack Nigel Mills were former MP Louise Mensch and Labour councillor Gail Dolman, who said..." "Angry birds." "AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND GROANS" "Yes." "Thank you." "A little clapping - that's nice." "That was sympathy." "The House of Commons authorities have now launched an investigation because the photographs of Mr Mills playing Candy Crush were..." "MPs aren't allowed to take and send any photos unless, of course, they're of their own cock." "Has that been laid down in legislation?" "It's been rubber-stamped." "Nigel's not the only person who gaffed this week so it's a welcome return to the Gaffometer of News." "AUDIENCE OOHS" "Let's see those gaffes on show." "Nothing says Christmas like a gaffometer, so buzz in when you know the gaffe." "It's the one with the green halo." "She had the green halo a minute ago." "No, it's changed now." "It's not current affairs, this is comedy - it moves fast." "It's a man called Roger Bird." "Yes." "And he's very angry." "It's an Angry Bird." "Someone has accused him of sexual harassment." "Hm." "And she was the star Ukip candidate, cos she's a woman and comes from an ethnic minority, which...they're not top of the Ukip list of candidates." "But anyway, she said, "He tried to harass me sexually."" "He said, "No, I didn't." ""It was a consensual relationship." ""Here are the texts."" "She said, "I was a star, I studied PPE at Wadam College in Oxford."" "And Oxford said, "No, you didn't."" ""You've made it up." ""And you've also spelled 'Wadham' wrong."" "IAN LAUGHS" "So is anybody telling the truth in this story?" "They're both members of Ukip." "Ah." "I'll get into trouble for that, but someone in Ukip said," ""Ukip looks pretty silly."" "And then this happened." "The person with whom Roger Bird was linked was prospective Ukip candidate Natasha Bolter." "She said that after a dinner at his London club, he..." "Bought her a dress?" "Eh?" "What?" "No, he..." "Did he?" "So it's a question of his word against hers." "He said they had a consensual relationship that was sexual." "Whereas she told Newsnight on Tuesday..." "But you're right, Paul." "Am I?" "I haven't spoken for 20 minutes, how can I be right?" "When you said he bought her a dress." "Oh, bought her a dress, yes." "Lovely dress. "You'd look lovely in that," he said." "You know, he...he bought her a £169 dress from Ted Baker and he told her..." "It didn't fit Ted, did it?" "So he..." ""You wear it, love."" "He told her that..." "Like David Mellor, really - not exactly..." "Bird emphatically denies using his position improperly and has published hundreds of texts she sent him to prove that they had a proper relationship." "How did she describe him in one of them?" ""He exudes a strange green colour round his head."" "She said in one of the texts that he was..." "Which is utter bollollollocks." "Wahey!" "APPLAUSE" "Anyways, she's resigned." "This is the scandal currently engulfing Ukip general secretary, Roger Bird, which you'll also find on Nigel Farage's to-do list, along with "Drink pint, "Smoke fag", and "Deport Romanian"." "Fingers on buzzers, teams, as we have one more spin of the Gaffometer." "BUZZER" "Has it been a special week for him?" "Has he made more gaffes than normal?" "There was one, but I've forgotten it." "Would that be the one you're thinking of?" "Yes." "Oh, yes!" "Yes, he was late..." "He was meant to go to a meeting in Wales and couldn't get there and blamed the congestion on the M4 on immigration." "He did, yes." "Later on, it led to Ukip being labelled as unprofessional and he countered that by saying..." "Never misses a trick, does he?" "That wasn't the only gaffe he made this week." "Yes - the other one I can't remember." "It was a breastfeeding gaffe." "Ah!" "What breastfeeding gaffe?" "He saw a woman breastfeed and thought he'd join in?" "No, he's always preferred the bottle." "He was referring to a woman in Claridge's who'd been asked to breast-feed more privately." "And he said something to the effect of," ""Why don't they go and do it in the corner?"" "PAUL LAUGHS" "I like that idea, I like the idea that you can have page three - breasts exposed - but you can't have a woman breast-feeding, which is primarily what breasts were for in the first place." "So, Nigel Farage presumably would like us to have page three." "Yes, probably, it's a freedom issue for him." "Exactly." "But not for women wanting to breast-feed." "No, cos that's not a freedom issue." "Exactly." "No - that's taste." "APPLAUSE" "Did Nigel Farage say he liked page three?" "Did he say that - "I like page three"?" "No." "No, we haven't asked him." "OK." "Well, I find that's a rather bold assertion for a man that, you, know, he ain't do that." "I ain't trying to root for the man or nothing, it's just..." "The man fuck up a lot, you don't have to make up nothing on him." "He actually said..." "Hanging from a trapeze." "Or while ice skating." "Yeah." "Yvette Cooper was quick in with a reaction to his comments." ""After that interview, Nigel Farage should shit..." Sit!" "APPLAUSE" "Should shit himself." "You see, I DO have a problem with people doing that in public." "I know it's old-fashioned and it's what nature intended, but I don't like people doing it." "When you say "old-fashioned", it's more eight century, isn't it?" "It's old-fashioned in that sense." "We've livened up that quote no end, haven't we?" "But, erm..." "Oh, do you want to see a picture of the lady?" "Of what?" "!" "This is the lady, who's called Louise Burns." "Oh, yeah, go on, then." "This is her breast-feeding." "She was asked by a waiter to cover up and given a napkin to drape over the baby." "It's been suggested that the solution is to cover things up, what's wrong with a nice crocheted bonnet to wear, such as this one?" "LAUGHTER" "So, at the end of that round, Ian and Kirsty are in the lead with three points, and Paul and Reg have two!" "So that's exciting." "Very good." "Nothing wrong with that." "And now, it's the Picture Scrambler of News." "Buzz in when you know the story." "BUZZER This is Salmond, he's back again, he's going to be Prime Minister." "Of the whole of Britain." "Having lost the referendum in Scotland, he's now going to take over Britain." "It's a brilliant reverse thrust." "Everybody voted, "No, we don't want a independent country", so he's going to stand, come to Westminster, form a coalition - with Farage probably - and then get independence that way," "so he can say, "Aye-aye, I'm King of Scotland, I've won."" "And THAT is...true." "That is NOT true." "In other Scottish news, Kirsty, you were nominated for a rather special literary prize last month." "What was the prize, Kirsty?" "I was short-listed for the bad sex award." "The bad sex award." "No, no" " Bad Sex in Fiction Award." "Sorry!" "I gather you won the original." "I was about to say - you've taken that news pretty well." "Your novel, The Legacy Of Elizabeth Pringle." "Can I read the smutty bit?" "Yeah." "Great." "Are you going to read it out loud?" "Yeah." "Oh, good." "It's not bad, is it?" "Especially when you compare it to another contender, Andrew Marr." "Here's an extract from him." "APPLAUSE" "So one of you's doing it wrong." "Another candidate, Richard Flanagan, wrote a scene in which..." "And there's a John Lewis advert we'd all like to see." "Fingers on buzzers, teams." "BUZZER It's Pharrell's cat." "It's the cat that's made a fortune, isn't it?" "The Grumpy Cat." "Yes, it's an internet sensation." "Oh, wow." "Does that remind anyone of anyone?" "Erm..." "Grumpy prat." "Do you want to see some more pictures of Grumpy Cat?" "Yeah." "Course you do, here's one." "Here's one with a hat on." "And here's a Christmas one." "Do you know how much he's made?" "This cat's made money by looking like that?" "You bet. 1 million." "£64 million." "GASPS 100 million." "Where's that money gone then?" "All gone on fish." "Well, you never know when it's going to run out." "He's being represented by..." "Who is..." "He's done a film." "What, the cat?" "There's a film called Grumpy Cat, it's going to be out for Christmas." "What?" "!" "It's going to do even better than Nativity 3." "Is that a film?" "Shut your face." "Not according to the reviews, it isn't." "Rude!" "Rude!" "APPLAUSE" "So this is Grumpy Cat, who has become the first animal to earn 100 million." "Grumpy Cat is releasing a film which, according to The Telegraph, is a cross between..." "So a sort of Die Alone." "Which is what a lot of cat owners will end up doing anyway." "Time now for the Odd One Out round, and there's just one between you this week." "Coco Chanel, Benito the dog, neo-Nazis in Wunsiedel, Germany, and a Brazilian swimming pool." "BUZZER" "Well, of these four the only one I know anything about is the neo-Nazis' march, because this was about a month or so ago, and these neo-Nazis went on a march unaware that their march was being sponsored by people who were actually opposing them politically." "So every mile they marched they were raising money for anti-neo-Nazi causes." "So as they'd be going along the road people would be holding up banners saying "Keep marching" and all this sort of stuff, and so at the end of the day they raised quite a bit of cash." "So, that's a fantastic story." "The rest of them, I don't really care about, to be honest." "But I'll say the swimming pool's the odd one out." "BUZZER PAUL LAUGHS" "No." "Coco Chanel was outed, apparently, as a Nazi spy this week." "Ah, yes." "Do you know what her codename was?" "Drinking Chocolate." "She released a number of fragrances during the war." "Well, everybody was nervous in those years." "Everybody was nervous." "They were tough times." "Occupied land, and all that, you know." "Benito, I'm guessing." "Nazi dog, here." "And is that a Nazi refugee in Brazil?" "They're all Nazis..." "They're all paid by the Nazis, except the marchers who were paid by anti-Nazis." "Yes, it's not..." "That's the right answer." "It's not, erm..." "APPLAUSE Well, no..." "Inspired guesswork." "Don't clap that much, because..." "Save it for Nativity 3." "It's because..." "They've all been accused of promoting the far right, apart from German neo-Nazis who've accidentally supported an antifascist charity." "Benito the dog has been trained to give a salute when his owners say "arriba Espana", which is "hail Spain"." "Shall we see Benito in action?" "Yes." "Yes." "WOMAN:" "Arriba Espana." "Arriba Espana." "How much money has he made, then?" "185 billion quid or something?" "He's so sympathetic to the fascist cause that he only licks one ball." "Yes!" "Benito is named after Mussolini, although I assume the dog had a slightly different use for a lamppost." "Erm..." "AUDIENCE GROANS There's worse." "They love it." "Benito is a French bulldog, so, of course, he's going to do whatever the Nazis tell him." "The owners of a Brazilian swimming pool, they've been shown supporting the Nazis, because a police helicopter flew over and spotted this at the bottom of the pool." "KIRSTY:" "Ooh!" "That might look a bit aggressive, but actually what you can't see is a small sign next to it that says "No Bombing"." "Time now for the Missing Words round, which this week features, as its guest publication," "Cockney Ancestor, the newsletter of the East of London Family History Society." "They'll deliver it to your letter box, or if you prefer, you can ask them to..." "COCKNEY ACCENT:" "leave it out!" "We start with:" "KIRSTY: "They don't seem to be working."" ""I haven't taken any, but I've read a lot about them."" "Yes!" "This is Ed Miliband trying to play down his politics geek image by riffing with a load of young people, although his attempts at banter misfired when he suggested that Minecraft was part two of Hitler's book." "Next:" ""Where did you get that, Ian?"" ""Are you a native of the metropolis?"" "No." "That's what I'm answering, there." "Not asking." "Oh, I see!" "Shall I tell you what it is?" "Yeah, go on, then." "This is a story from Cockney Ancestor, and the answer is simple." "A real cockney someone who was born within the sound of Bow Bells who can't afford to live in London any more." "Next:" "Horse." "He's dyslexic." "Horse." "The invitation was badly printed." "Horse." "Yes." "Yes?" "!" "No!" "APPLAUSE" "REGINALD:" "That's us." "That's a point." "This happened at a Mexican party in the US." "Let's have a look." "MEXICAN MUSIC PLAYS" "TRUMPETS PLAY" "Not only is that horse clearly drunk, but I suspect it's playing the trumpet, as well." "And the weird thing is that horse probably doesn't make very much money at all." "Next:" ""Dies first." "Leaves."" "It is "dies first"." "Researchers revealed that the funny one in a comedy double act tends to die first." "Which I think technically means that the Chuckle Brothers will live forever." "Next:" ""Confused pensioners."" ""Shop uses breastfeeding mother to recreate the birth of Christ." Yeah." "It's actually:" "So let's have a look." "I think that's rather brilliant." "The Three Kings sucking up to the new Messiah." "Thank you very much!" "APPLAUSE" "The owner of the electrical shop says that he'll change the nativity display for New Year's Eve." "At least if they trash the place they'll be able to clean it up afterwards." "Finally:" "COCKNEY ACCENT: "It's any business of yours."" "It is:" "The Cockney Ancestor computer group is geared to researching family history, and they're even hoping to make their own TV show:" "Who The Fuck Do You Think You Are?" "Is that a line out of Nativity 3?" "The final scores are an exciting 8 for Ian and Kirsty, and a miserable 5 for Paul and Reg." "Shame." "APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH" "And I leave you with news that in Michael Jackson's Neverland, the spirit of Bubbles the chimp is summoned to a seance." "As he reveals what he does in his rare moments of time off," "Benedict Cumberbatch denies he's self obsessed." "And in Rome, the Catholic Church is delighted to announce the highest ever number of days that have passed without it suffering a sex scandal." "Good night."