"Happy birthday to you." "Yeh!" " Thank you." "How old are you now?" "How old are you " "Ma, watch it." "I still got a wish coming." "Darling, it's not how old you are, it's how you look." "And you look gorgeous." "Am I right, Max?" " Absolutely, Syl." "When I was your age, I was a cow." "That was right after I had her." "Ma, please, you were stuffing yourself with pastrami up until the birth." "I'm surprised I wasn't born with a pickle in my mouth." "Here you are, as promised, two front row seats to Les Miserables." "Happy Birthday." "Oh, I'm thirty and I'm dating my mother." "And they think they're miserable." "Miss Fine, some things just get better with age." "Like a fine Bordeaux." "Or a nice slab of blue cheese getting good and moldy." "Why don't you just stick me in the Menorah Village Retirement Hotel?" "Grandma Yetta loves it there." "Grandma Yetta thinks she's in Paris." "Oh, my God, oh my God, oh my God." "Maggie has found religion." "What's the matter, sweetheart?" "Cindy told Whitney that she heard through Martha and Philip.../ Oh, honey..." "Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God!" " Hang in, hang in, what is it?" "What is it?" "That Philip Drake is gonna ask me out!" "Oh my God!" "Oh my God!" "Oh my God!" "I am so, so happy for you." "Just on the night that my life is ending, hers is just beginning." "Darling, I have a surprise for you." "Oh, Ma, please, you already gave me the Chanel cologne." "Parfume." "And I love it." "But you're spoiling me." " My pleasure." "Here." "This isn't another membership for Great Expectations?" "No, I've given up on that." "Think real estate." "Condo?" " Smaller." "Time share?" " Smaller." "A cemetery plot?" "I can't believe you would buy me a cemetery plot." "I don't even have a good winter coat." "Actually, I bought four plots." "Two for me and your father, and two for you and " "The lucky guy?" " It's gonna happen, knock wood." "Just kidding." "Ma / Oh, what a lovely model." "But why do they have a satin lining?" "Satin doesn't breathe." "And neither will you." "Meanwhile, a person could drop dead just waiting to get service around this joint." "You want some blush?" "What?" "I'm gonna get all dolled up for some creepy funeral director?" "You never know." "He could turn out to be gorgeous." "Yeah, right." "I'm sure he had a common career choice:" "male model or mortician." "Hi." "Hi!" " I'm Steve Mintz." "I'm really sorry to keep you waiting." " Oh, that's okay." "In your business, what's the rush?" "Hi, Stevie." " Hi, Syl." "How you been?" " Good." "This is my daughter, Fran." " Hi." "Stevie?" "You guys know each other?" "Oh, we met at a funeral." "At least no one could say Marsha Silverberg died for nothing." "So you set me up?" "These plots were a plot?" "Ma, I'm gonna kill you." "Well, at least they won't have far to move me." "Steve, you know those four plots my mother bought. / Oh, sure." "The two for one sale." "A sale?" "Ma, not only are you giving me away, but I'm marked down?" "Only the best for you, darling." "Twenty-five is a very important birthday." "Anyway, I'd like to return them." " Really?" "You haven't even tried them out yet." "Look, I'm sure it's a lovely plot, and I'd look gorgeous in it, but " "Your husband made some other arrangements?" "She doesn't have a husband!" "I'm sorry." "Did he pass on?" " First he should only pass by." "You know, you two have so much in common." "Fran is a licensed cosmetologist." "And Stevie does make-up, too." "Ma, you're killing me here." "Don't be embarrassed." "My mother's even worse." "No." "Mine is." " No, really." "Mine." "This is a picture of Fran in the third grade production of Fiddler On The Roof." "Isn't she adorable?" "Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match " "Get out of here." "You win." "Look, Fran, I'd be more than happy to give you your money back, but let me see what I can do for you here, huh." "All right, dazzle me." " Okay." "I will upgrade you to a mausoleum with a beautiful sunset view." "Oh, no way." "Then I'd get all the fumes from the Cross-Bronx Expressway." "Not to mention the noise." " Well, we've never had any complaints." "Look, Steve, you know, you do make dying so very attractive." "But, uh, I just don't like to plan quite so far in advance." "Well, then, how 'bout tonight?" "What?" "And skip old age?" "Actually, I was thinking about dinner." "Oh, well that's very flattering." "I just don't know if I'm available " "How old are you now?" "You got something in her size?" "Oh, thank you, Fran, for letting me borrow your clothes." "Oh, that's what women do." "There's one Chanel suit." "It travels the globe." "Oh man, I can't believe I'm going out with Philip." "I can't believe I'm going out with Steve." "Philip is so cool and deep." "Steve keeps people cool and deep." "Doesn't it give you the creeps going out with an undertaker?" "Well, maybe when I was twenty-nine." "But now that I'm thirty, I'm a little more " "Desperate?" "You wanna borrow those clothes or what?" "I hope I'm sophisticated enough for this coffee house." "I mean, I don't even know the difference between French Roast, Mocha Java, or Colombian." "Oh, nobody does unless you're Juan Valdez." "Do yourself a favor, just order water." "But nothing with bubbles." "It's hard to sound profound when you belch." "Fran, you can't go out." "Who's gonna read to me?" "Oh, honey, would I leave you hanging in chapter thirty-seven?" "Look, I made you a tape." "Scruples, a dramatic reading by Fran Fine." "Scruples, Miss Fine?" "What, we can't both enjoy the story?" "I edit out the racy parts." "Oh, Fran, I need some help with my history paper. / Oh, what kind of help?" "Well, you know, picking out a topic, doing the research, writing it up." "And oh yeah, do you type?" "Oh, what the heck was that?" "I thought I saw a pig fly by." "Oh, there's my date." "Now don't embarrass me, please." "You all know how difficult this is." "I don't want any corny jokes about Steve being a funeral director." "We'll try, but it's quite an undertaking." "We may be getting in over our heads." "Hi, Steve." " Hi." "Family, house." "Gotta go." "Bye." "Miss Fine, Miss Fine, where are your manners?" "Come on in." "Let me fix you a cup of coffin." "Coffee." "No, no, no." "Accident, I swear." "You know, I could chaperon for you." " Over my dead body." "Thank you, thank you." "No hands, no hands." ""Trembling with desire, she looked deep in his eyes, slipped off her negligee and folded it neatly, brushed her teeth and got a good night's sleep."" "Gracie, sweetheart, it's almost ten o'clock." "Why aren't you in bed?" "Fran's so good, I can't put her down." "I finished my homework, Dad." " Oh, all right." "Let's have a listen." "The Civil War." "The causes of the Civil War become clear when we view the United States as a big dysfunctional family." "Oh, Grace, I told you not to do your brother's homework." "Five bucks is five bucks." "Brighton, you can't just go through life paying people to do everything for you." "Dad, I've got two words for you." "Niles." "Fran." "I've got two words for you." "Military school." "Hey, what did I do?" "This is all your fault for letting Fran start dating." "You think I should keep her chained up in her room?" "Well, yeah." "You know something." "Dad, if you let her go out there and see what it's like, she may never come back." "You'd actually miss her, wouldn't you?" "Well, yeah." "You know, because then there'd be no one to do my homework." "Yeah, right." ""And they lived happily ever after." "The end."" "Now tuck yourself in and tomorrow we'll start another classic," ""The Valley of the Barbie Dolls."" "Goodnight, sweetheart." " Goodnight, Fran." "And don't get so close to the T.V., you'll get cancer." "Ah, thank you, Niles." "Cigar?" "Don't mind if I do." "Will there be anything else, sir?" "Oh, is that the London Times?" "Hmm " "You know, my pajamas are about your size." "Well, apparently Miss Fine's date's going very well. / Hm-hmm." "Awfully quiet in this house, isn't it?" " Really?" "I hadn't noticed." "So, what do you think of this nasty business in the Middle East, huh?" "It's something I would like to read about in my off time, which technically began at eight." "Oh." "Well, I'll, uh, I'll just " "If you're at loose ends, sir, why don't you sort the recycling?" "Good idea." "Way to be politically conscious, sir." "You realize how much the children will actually miss Miss Fine if she were to leave?" "Good God, man, it's just a first date!" "Speaking as one who's off the clock." "Well, uh, you're absolutely right." "First dates are usually a nightmare, aren't they?" "Indeed, if mine are any indication." "And after all, he is an undertaker." "I can't see anything between them." "And I can't see anything between them, either." "Philip is so intense." "We spent hours discussing the nature of consciousness and whether or not something really exists." "Like this table." "Is it really here, or is it only here because we see it?" "And if we weren't here to see it, would it disappear?" "Maggie, sweetheart, next time you go to a coffee house, try decaf." "So, Miss Fine, I take it your date went well." "Well, it was pretty fabulous." "You know, Fran, you gotta get this guy out of your system." "I mean, I've got mid-terms coming up." "I've got middle-age coming up." "I win." "Okay, kids, we should get going." "You don't wanna be late for school." "I can't wait for lunch." "Philip invited me to sit at his table with his friends." "But does Philip's table really exist?" "And when you show up, will they all disappear?" "Well, Niles, it seems that love is in the air." "I suppose it's time to have that birds and bees talk." "I would have thought you'd have done that by now." "Miss Margaret is fourteen." "Not Maggie." "Oh, don't even say that." "No, I, I meant Miss Fine." "I suspect she knows, sir." "And if I may be so bold, I'd say she's way ahead of you." "Yeah, exactly." "That's why I want you, as a senior member of my domestic staff, to make Miss Fine aware of the rules of the house." "Well, you know what I'm talking about." "Spell it out for me, sir." "You know, no pets, no loud music, no boyfriends in her room." "I understand completely." " Oh good, so you'll tell her." "No bloody way." "How very disobliging of you." "Oh, we never had this problem with the other nannies, did we?" "No, sir." "Although if I recall correctly, Nanny Carpart was a handsome woman." "That was probably the sideburns." "Good morning, Niles. / Hm-hmm." "Oh, thank you." "I am famished." "Napkin?" "Well, well, no barbs?" "No wise cracks?" "Niles, have you been taking butler lessons?" "I'm lulling you into a false sense of security." "Where's Maxwell?" " He's gone upstairs to discuss with Miss Fine the possibility of having sex in her room." "Miss Fine, do you have a moment?" "I" " I hope I'm not intruding." "Sure, come on in." "My house is your house." "Oh, yeah, it is." "Take a load off. / Oh, thank you." "But I" " I'd just as soon stand." "Oh, well can you hold it?" "I'm just getting ready for my lunch date." "Another date?" "Already?" " Well, I gotta eat." "Listen, this is all very awkward." "I've not had to have this conversation with the other nannies." "Of course, they weren't nearly as attractive as you. / Oh, well " "Um, as master of this house, there are certain things that I expect." "Oh, Mister Sheffield, maybe I should have read the fine print." "Oh, no, no, Miss, Miss Fine, you're, you're taking this all wrong." "Here. / I" " I need to talk to you about your boyfriend." "Oh, I wouldn't call him my boyfriend." "Well, he, he is a boy and he is your friend." "Mister Sheffield, are you sure you're in the right room?" "I mean, Maggie is two doors down." "No, I've already had this talk with Maggie." " Oh, well I hope it went better than this." "No, as a matter of fact, it didn't." "Miss Fine, what I'm trying to say is if you are intent on having a fling, then there are certain rules regarding the proper places for a fling to be flung." "H-hmm." "So I take it the previous nannies never flang?" "No, they, they were not flingers." "Well, let me just clarify this." "We are talking about having sex in my room, are we not?" "Oh, no, not, not, not us." " We already covered that." "I assure you, Mister Sheffield, I would never do anything to set a bad example for the children." "Oh, well, thank you for that, Miss Fine." "And I appreciate your discretion." "Oh, well, thank you for holding my hair." " Anytime." "If you want, I can return the favor and wash that gray away." "How long have you had that anyway?" " Oh, it came in about the same time you did." "What a coincidence." "Fran, be right there." "Oh, no rush." "No one's going anywhere " "Hi." "Oh, hi, hi, hi, hi." "I mean, hi." "Listen, thanks for meeting me here." "I would have picked you up, but the car's being used." "Oh, no problem, no problem." "Here, I'll help you close up." "Oh, Steveala." "You sure it's the right place?" " Well " "Although the satin lining looks very comfy." "You know, that's what I love about you." "You have got the greatest sense of humor." "Oh, well so do you." " Yeah?" "You really think so?" "Yeah." "Considering your chosen profession." " Well, it wasn't actually my choice." "It's a family business that I just sort of fell into." "Oh, well, there's nothing to be embarrassed about." "It's a very respectable business, and it doesn't bother me one bit." "Well, it bothers me." "Fran, I just can't stand to be around all of this sadness day in and day out." "Oh, honey, did you make a wrong career choice." "That's why I'm going back to college to get my degree." "Oh, a professional man." " Yep." "Doctor?" " No." "Lawyer?" " No." "Indian chief?" " I'll give you a hint." "You're studying to be Karl Malden?" "No, a clown." " What?" "Fran, I'm going to clown college." "Oh, Fran, don't you get it?" "See, I just wanna make people happy." "Well, Fran, you're not laughing." "I'm laughing on the inside." "Where it's dry." "All right, look, look," "I also do balloon animals." "Here." "Watch this." "Gee, I hope it's a four-year college." "I hate men." "Well, take a number." "Take a spoon." "What are you eating?" "I guess I'll have my leftover birthday cake." "Isn't that a little old?" " What's your point?" "I can't believe Philip." "What a phony." "I caught him drooling over some stupid cheerleader." "And after all the coffee you drank for that man." "I thought we had something special." " Been there." "I thought I really knew him." " Am there." "And then out of nowhere he hits me with this." "It's like I've had cold water thrown in my face." "I know exactly how you feel." "Picturing yourself married, living in a split-level in Long Island with three kids and an Eldorado in the driveway. / No." "But I did have hopes for the weekend." "Hello, ladies." "Ice cream, cake." "Man trouble?" "I hate Philip." "I'm never talking to him again." "Miss Margaret, it's Master Philip." "Oh my God!" "Oh my God!" "Oh my God!" "Ah, youth." "You know, Fran, when I'm depressed, it always makes me feel better to help other people." "I have an essay I'd be willing to let you write for me." "Brighton, my darling, I'm at your beck and call." "I'll be home every night." "I have no life." "We're awfully sorry, Miss Fine." " Oh, we sure are." "So, what, what happened?" "Did you find dating a mortician a bit too macabre?" "Oh, I did at first, but I got used to the idea." "And then he turns out to be a clown." "How do you mean?" "I mean a clown." "In what way?" " The usual way." "Red hair, baggy pants, floppy shoes." "Do I have to draw you a picture?" "And to think I came this close to being Mrs. Bozo." "All the world loves a clown." "Why can't you?" "Twenty-seven guys in one little car." "I can't even stand to share a cab." "Sharing is what marriage is all about." "What are you looking for anyway?" "Ma, I'm not asking for much." "Just a guy that doesn't wear as much make-up as I do." "Well, what are you waiting for?" "You think Mister Right is just gonna walk right up, knock on your door and say," ""Here I am."" "Ah, there you are." "That's good." "Here." "Which tie, the yellow or the green?" " Green, it goes better with your eyes." "Thanks. / Ma, I just want a guy that I can respect, that respects me." "Oh, I'm sorry to bother you again, it's just that I value your opinion." "Gold, gold or tiger's eye cufflinks?" " Gold." "Simple, elegant." "Right. / Who knows, Ma." "I just think maybe someday he'll come along." "Fran, open your eyes." "Life just doesn't work like that." "Steve could be very successful." "Look at Ronald McDonald." "He's got his own corporation now." "I'm not gonna spend my nights polishing big shoes, Ma." "Are you gonna be single your whole life?" "Oh, I could just see the wedding." "He'll slip on a banana peel while walking down the aisle." "Look at the bright side." "Instead of two rings, you'll have three." "Shut the door, Ma."