"You know what?" "Should we..." "Fuck yeah." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Yeah, I guess just put it in the garage." "Oh." "Where I sleep?" "Yeah, it's just, it's the only place with room." "Okay." "Well, it's good to face your fears." "I was scared of intruders till I had one of those in my room, and then I realized, you know, if they're gonna kill me, they're gonna kill me." "'Cause he kept..." "whispering that." "All right." "Hey, Russ." ""Hey, Russ"?" "Fuck you, Richard Hendricks!" "Fuck me regarding?" "It's all over the blogs." "You took our idea to Gavin Belson?" "Whoa." "I'm sorry." "Our idea?" "Yeah, the new Internet." "We came up with that together, standing outside of my kid's school... former school." "No, um, you told me to name an idea, and so I named one." "That was my idea, you were just standing there." "Yeah, pulling it out of you like a newborn baby." "Okay, but, well, if a doctor pulls a baby out of a pregnant woman, the doctor doesn't get to then keep the baby." "Okay, first of all, my ex-wife is fucking the doctor that delivered my son, and they're suing for full custody, so you're wrong." "Second of all, this isn't a baby." "Stop trying to change the subject, Richard!" "Okay, well, I had to go to Gavin, because he owned the patent which, as it turns out, he just signed over to me." "So, um, it's actually good that you're here, because... you want in and we need funding, especially since no VC in town will touch us, not even Monica's new firm." "So, Gavin pulls out, and you want me to be your sloppy seconds." "It's always about my money, isn't it?" "Well, you are an investor, so what else would it be about?" "My idea!" "It was my idea!" "Well, then fund it yourself." "Fuck you, Richard Hendricks." "Fuck you right in your little asshole, and not in the beautiful way, like Grandpa and Pedro." "What the hell was that?" "That was the last wealthy guy in Silicon Valley that would even fucking talk to us." "Maybe I'll give him a day to cool off, try him again tomorrow or something." "Not so sure about that." " Oh, come on." " Payback's a bitch, isn't it, Richard?" "Woo-hoo!" "I don't think he knows that's not your car." "Real estate listings?" "What, are you looking to move out?" "No, I'm just taking a little Redfin holiday." "I find there's a certain escapist allure to real estate listings." "I like that one." "Too bad it's 10 times what I can afford, 'cause, you know, I quit Periscope to go work for a company with zero prospects, 'cause fuck me." "Well, with preconstruction pricing, this one's actually only six times more than you could afford." "So now, let's go into Amazon and see what we could buy... with all those imaginary savings." "Wait a minute." "What if we don't need an investor at all?" "Fuck all these VCs." "What if all we need is a customer?" "Customer for what?" "We haven't built the product yet." "Well, neither have all those condo builders, right?" "I mean, they are offering a discount to people who buy before they build." "We can do the same thing, but with data storage." "That sounds like a scam." "Well, no, it's actually common practice." "It's how I bought my condo." "The scam came after when I rented to a squatter who wouldn't leave." "Granted, there's no shortage of huge corporations with vast amounts of data, but it's highly risky." "I mean, Richard, we'd be offering to store data on a network of cellphones before we built the app or the network." "Yeah, but look, look, it's no more risky than working with all these crazy billionaires." "I mean, Jack and his boxes." "Gavin just fucked off to go find himself who knows where." "Peter died." "Yeah, I guess that makes him crazy." "The point is, if you don't draw the line in the sand when some guy pisses in your car, where do you, you know?" "Did someone piss in someone's car?" "Not literally, no." "It's a," "It's a figure of speech, an old one." "An adage." "Anyway, Jared, let's get a deck together on this." "Aye, aye, Captain." "And, just word to the wise, often the first customer is the hardest one to land." "Wait." "Customer?" "Are we pitching?" "Yeah, looks like it." "Hot damn, Richie!" "Let's hit the road." "We're gonna piss in everyone's car." "Am I using that right?" "Medical groups, sales groups, insurance companies," "Jared, yeah, good work here, really." "Well, Gavin was right." "His name certainly opened a lot of doors." "Ever since your announcement, everyone has heard of us." "Jared, you didn't tell all these people that Gavin was still working with the company, did you?" "Well, no, but I..." "I never explicitly said that he wasn't." " Was that wrong?" " No, Jared, that's fine." "The tech will speak for itself." "It certainly will." "Now, Richard, when we get into that room, let me do all the talking." "And also the tech will talk." "Wait." "So Gavin's not coming?" "No, but we are." "We've already come." "Gavin left the company?" "Yes, um, but what's important..." "at least we think... is not whether Gavin is gone, but what brought him to us in the first place, and that's the tech." "Gentlemen, sorry to keep you waiting." "I'm George Mandechian, CEO." "I'm very excited to..." "He did?" "When?" "Okay." "God damn it." "I mean, if people would just look at what we're offering," "I think they'd be blown away." "Perhaps we need a new angle." "I'll fake a seizure." "What?" "Pied Piper?" "Hi." "I'm Liz Tinsdale, head of compliance here at Fiduciated General." "Erlich Bachman." "And I'm, Richard Hendricks." "Are we all here?" "Yes, yeah, we are." "Sorry, full disclosure:" "Gavin Belson has left the company." "Oh." "Oh, I see." "Well..." "His loss." "He won't be... sitting across from someone as charming as yourself this afternoon, will he?" "Okay." "Well, I mean, you did come all the way here, so why don't you follow me?" "I'd follow you to the end of the Earth." "Shall we?" "What are you doing?" "What?" "So, as you can see, your data will be even more secure, because it will be stored on multiple devices." "And we can offer you a very competitive rate." "You can expect to see storage savings annually of... 25 percent." "Wow." "That's very impressive, all of it, but you guys have to understand that companies like ours are particularly risk averse." "Is it a slight Idaho accent, Liz?" "Oh." "It's Montana, actually." "Even better." "The big blue sky state." "Yeah." "Well, I knew you had to have come from above." "Well, speaking of heaven, that's probably where you'll think you are when you start saving 25 percent on your data storage." "Get an upgrade from there." "Liz, you have beautiful skin." " Um, thank... thank you." " You, yeah." "Both of you." "Listen, I think I know what he's gonna say, but let me see if I can pull my CTO in here." "Can you..." "reel it in a little?" "We're trying to make a business deal, not get you laid." "I'm not trying to get laid, Richard." "Clearly, she has a lot of pent-up sexual energy, likely from working in this worm farm, so that's the angle I'm taking since I'm not allowed to have a seizure." "Besides, she's going to bat for us." "You should be thanking me." "The CTO is on the way in." "Yes, because of the technology and because of our business proposal." "Look, can you just please, for once, keep your dick out of the equation?" "I really wish I could, but my dick is the abacus upon which this equation will be..." "Guys." "This is our CTO." "Oh great." "Oh, oh." "Hello." "I'm Dan Melcher." "Nice to meet you." "Yeah." "Hello." "Hi, Dan." "Do..." "Do you guys know each other?" "No." "I just said my name was Dan, that's how he knows." "I don't need to waste any more of your time with this." "Why don't I-I..." "I'll take this one from here." "Okay?" "Oh." "Yeah." "What the fuck are you doing here?" "Very rude, Daniel." "Although, what can we expect after TechCrunch Disrupt when you sucker punched me in the God damn face?" "You fucked my wife." "I fucked your wives." "Plural." "Both of them." "Erlich, the customer is always right, so let's just leave it at "wife," singular, and be done with it." "Okay." "I need you to listen to me very carefully." "It took me a very long, long time to get back on my feet after I got fired from Oracle, and... tech firms wouldn't touch me, but I've managed to find a home here, a life." "Okay, it's insurance." "It's not ideal, but, you know, it..." "it's something." "And I don't care whatever it is that you're selling here." "I'm not buying it." "Well, it's a pretty groundbreaking technology." "Oh, shut the fuck up." "Okay, yeah, d..." "Look at me." "Never gonna happen." "Okay?" "Never going to..." "Dan?" "Did you give the dogs their medicine this morning?" "No, was I supposed to?" "Yeah, because, remember, I had to go back to the restaurant to get your card that you forgot." "Yep." "Sorry." "Um, I s..." "I mean, I guess I could run home." "You two married?" "Oh, not yet." "We're engaged." "Well, it was nice to meet you both." "Bye now, Liz." "All right, bye, honey." "Bye." "Oh, Dan." "Dan, Dan, Dan." "Dan Melcher?" "The guy who beat the piss out of you?" "The very same." "I looked him dead in the eyes, and I said," ""Daniel, I've fucked every wife you've ever had." "Care to go three for three?"" "Needless to say, he did not." "You don't come off in that story as well as you think you do." "So, to avoid being thrice made a cuckold, he agreed to a deal?" "Well, not yet." "Melcher actually signed off on it, but his fiancée wanted to certify that what we're trying to build complies with their data-handling and security protocols." "We're reviewing it all tomorrow, actually." "I can't wait." "Tomorrow the real fun begins." "No." "No." "You're not coming." "Why not?" "Why not?" "Jeez." "Well, you fucked Dan's last wife the night before he was our judge on the TechCrunch panel, with absolutely no regard for what that meant to the company." "What it meant to the company was that we went to the finals, and we won." "Because of the tech." "We won because of the tech, remember?" "We're getting this deal because of the tech." "I'm not letting you fuck this up, okay?" "I know you're looking for something to do, but this is not it." "What do you mean, I'm looking for something to do?" "You're lucky that you've garnished this much of my time." "I have plenty to do!" "Tons of lots of things!" "I have a thriving incubator." "It is thriving." "Isn't it?" "Fuck you, guys." "Okay, so, how soon can we test our app on a phone?" "Look, about all this Erlich stuff..." "Oh, no, no, no, no, no." "I-I..." "I don't wanna talk about him... or think about him..." "ever again." "Okay, look, I've..." "I've signed off." "But, Richard, I need you to look me in the eye and tell me that this is gonna work, 'cause if it doesn't, I'm completely fucked." "It's..." "It's gonna work." "I promise." "All right, well, look, I'm gonna step out." "Okay." "You're in good hands." "Okay." "Okay." "Should we start with adjuster records?" "Sure." "You guys said you were proficient in video files, right?" "We were a... a video chat company for a while." "Oh, that's exciting." "Yeah, I guess." "It..." "It wasn't really for me." "Um, in fact, actually, just as we were taking off, I walked away." "Commitment issues?" "I don't know." "It's just I..." "I never really... thought that video chat was the best use of our compression." "Kind of felt like I was settling, you know?" "Ooh!" "Settling." "Yeah, our company can grow in ways..." "Oh, fuck." "That we haven't even thought of yet." "I mean, I was going to spend the rest of my life just wondering if there was something better." "That's not really a way to live." "And, what, I'm gonna say to all my friends, like," ""Oh, this is how I'm spending my time," you know?" "Every morning I..." "I get up, and it's vidchat." "Then I go to bed, and it's vidchat." "Then I get up again, it's vidchat." "I wanna kill myself, you know?" "Yeah, yeah." "Yeah, I think I know what you mean." "Yeah." "So, what do you think, Erlich?" "You're the first person to see the place." "I love the smell of fresh spackle and hope." "Yep." "Two more weeks and Bream-Hall's in business." "Even better that donkey Ed Chen and Raviga were so blindsided, they're running around with their hair on fire." "Yeah, it's a beautiful world, Erlich." "And after years of busting my ass, I'm finally doing it." "Oh!" "And check it out, we even have swag... with my name on it." "Look, "Monica Hall." Laurie!" "Hello." "Well, good." "Now that you're both here, we can dispense with the mindless chitchat." "I'd like to be the first to offer you, both, the opportunity to take me off the market." "I don't understand." "I'm saying that I very much respect what you're doing here, almost revere it, and I wanted to offer my services as an associate." "And I will not phone it in." "I'll be the first one here at 10:30 a.m." "and the last one to leave a smidge after 4:00." "I'll, of course, need an office, an attractive personal assistant, paternity leave, if that goes well, and an umbrella insurance policy if that does not go well." "What do you say?" "I'd like a job, dears." "The singular function of this firm is to insure that our investors' money is in wise hands." "If... you are known for anything, it is quite the opposite." "Therefore, no." "I'm sorry, Erlich." "Look, I..." "I know you're looking for something to do, but..." "Who..." "Who is pushing this false narrative that I am looking for something to do?" ""But"... what?" "But Laurie is my partner, and if she doesn't think you add any real value, then there's no future for you here." "I gave you weed, a lot of it." "You want a fleece?" "God, there's something beautiful about testing your first alpha." "It's like watching a child take its first steps." "Well, let's see if our space-saver app actually saves us any space." "All right." "Done." "Yeah?" "Can I mark this deliverable as complete?" "Is our child a dancer?" "Wait." "I was only using 32.2 gigs of data before the test, and now it says I'm using 47.8." "Fuck." "Mine expanded also." "What the fuck?" "Why do I have a photo folder entitled "Cool Hairstyles"?" "Why do I have an e-mail for the "Anton LaVey Fun Run"?" "Fuck." "We had a merge error." "All of our information is on both phones." "I wonder what kind of weird shit you get into." "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!" "What are you doing?" "I'm just looking at your very embarrassing personal information." "Fuck you." "If you look at my shit, I'm gonna look at your shit." "All right, whoa, whoa." "Easy now." "I'll go balls deep on your inbox." "If you've taken one fucking selfie, I will find it." "Okay, guys, we've got to calm down." "Okay?" "Look at this." "This is not where we wanna be." "Let's..." "Let's take a deep breath, and let's just be cool and put our phones down." "Go ahead." "I'll put it down once he stops touching it." "Okay." "Great." "Good." "That wasn't so hard, was it?" "If he can do it..." "No." "No, no, no, no, no." "It's okay." "Gotcha." "No, you didn't." "Fuck you." "Are those almond poppy seed muffins or lemon poppy seed muffins?" "No matter, I'll take both, and the, whole first floor." "It's been a... pretty bad..." "You know what?" "Do you have any day-olds?" "Hey, are you sitting here?" "What the fuck does it look like?" "Sorry." "He didn't tell us who he was inviting to the meeting." "He just said it was a bunch of us." "How many are we?" "I think a few other firms are coming." "Sequoia and Greylock, maybe a few more for this round." "Jeff from Index Ventures." "You brought swag to a pitch meeting?" "Yikes, that's so three years ago." "Have you seen Keenan yet?" "I don't know who that is." "Seriously, though, I don't know who you're talking about." "Bream-Hall?" "Hey, man." "I don't know who you think you are, but you're not supposed to be at this table." "I don't know who you think you are, but men aren't supposed to grow tits, and yet there they are, atop your little paunch." "Who the fuck are you?" "I'm fucking Erlich Bachman." "Who the fuck are you?" "I'm Keenan Feldspar." "And I like the balls on you." "Get outta there!" "I wanna sit next to this guy!" "Yeah." "Oh, man!" "Nice swag!" "I tell you, it is, um, it is warm in here." "Oh." "Yeah, they, um, shut the AC off after midnight." "Oh." "The things this company goes through to save a dime." "Well, classic Melcher." "Okay, should we cover this section on intrusion detection and prevention?" "Liz?" "Okay, I don't want to pry, but did I do something wrong?" "It's just for the past few hours, you've been a little, um... checked out." "I'm just... thinking." "So, you're getting cold feet?" "What?" "It's okay." "I know what you're dealing with." "I don't think you do." "I do." "Trust me, I do." "Okay, I bet someone in your position has been told many times to look before you leap." "But, Liz... what about right now you just..." "leap before you look?" "Oh." "And, look, I'm gonna go out on a limb here, but I'm gonna go ahead and say that I'll bet there's a piece of you deep down inside that... knows this is a good idea." "It's new, it's exciting." "I mean, by God, Liz, this is the most durable, sophisticated decentralized storage infrastructure the world has...!" "Whoa..." "And then it just happened." "On the floor?" "We were like two wild animals." "I'm sure it was magnificent." "I get pissed at Erlich for not keeping it in his pants, and then I go ahead and do this?" "Shit." "I mean, Dan's gonna find out." "I mean, he punched Erlich in the face for when he did it to him, and now what do you think he's gonna do to me?" "He's gonna fucking kill me, then the deal's gonna fall through." "I can't believe I jeopardized the entire company with my dick." "Hey, hey." "We can get through this." "Yeah." "All right." "First, I need some details." "Are you in love?" "What?" "No, no, I barely know her." "Okay." "Okay, that's good." "Then, we just need to extricate you from this situation." "Okay." "Now, it's not gonna be easy, because she's very probably in love with you." "Jared, I..." "I don't think that that's..." "Richard, this is no time for false humility." "You're a catch." "Just deal with it." "Now, you need to break this thing off clean and clear, so you just walk into that office and... and you look her in the eyes, and you say..." ""Listen, baby..." ""you're getting hitched, and... and I... was born to roam."" ""Born to roam"?" "Hey, Jared, did I miss any calls?" "Not a good time, my man." "Jared." "Sorry." "Nope." "No calls." "What a shocker." "I need to call Tara." "Okay, but I..." "I need to hold your phone." "It might be sexual in nature." "Well, I think I can handle that." "All right." "No, um, something else in here, please?" "Monica, this salient..." "Ladies." "What are you doing here?" "I believe the answer to that question... is currently sitting in your unfinished waiting area." "Holy shit." "Is that..." "Keenan Feldspar?" "Yes." "Why?" "Have you heard of him?" "Of course." "Every competent VC has." "His VR headset is reputed to be the new standard." "Oh, it is." "I tested the prototype last night at his house." "We got quite drunk." "What exactly is he doing in our waiting area?" "Well, Laurie, he's waiting... upon my instruction." "Imagine... landing the biggest whale in the Valley... two weeks before you launch your firm." "Or should I say before we launch your firm?" "All right." "The new build is done." "Oh, I am so glad this is over." "I felt like Gibraltar in World War II, where it was both crucial and inert." "All right." "One press of the button, and we are back to normal." "What's the problem?" "I don't know." "What don't you know?" "Well, you seem a bit eager to resolve the situation." "You're almost anxious." "It's a new color on you." "A new color on you would be..." "Bah, bah, bah." "Even as you try and make a boring, racist comment, you can't keep your eyes off my phone." "See?" "Now, I know all my embarrassing shit is on your phone and if you look at it, you will mock me endlessly and without mercy." "But what's also true is that you already mock me endlessly and without mercy, so I have nothing to lose and, potentially, a huge amount to gain." "Guys, this is madness." "I have nothing to hide." "I hear you, and yet..." "I'd like to look at my phone." "Sure." "Suit yourself." "Swipe." "Unlock." "You sure you don't care?" "Does it look like I care?" "Okay." "Fuck!" "What the fuck?" "You dick!" "Give me the phone." "Dinesh." "Give it to me." "You are not thinking clearly." "Sorry." "Looks like we both lose." "I don't think so." "How do you figure?" "'Cause now I know you had some embarrassing shit to hide." "I don't even need to know what it is." "My phone may be in the toilet, but... but I win." "No, you don't." "Because you'll never know what was on there... and that will slowly drive you down a dark path and torment you, so that every fiber..." "Nuh!" "I win!" "I win!" "I win." "I win." "I win!" "I win!" "Shut up, Jared." "Last night..." "Yeah." "Last night was..." "Bad." "Bad." "Bad." "Yeah, oh my God." "Yeah." "It was bad, right?" "It was such a bad thing to have done." "The worst sex I think I've ever had... by far." "Oh, s... it... so it was bad for you... too." "Yeah, I mean, it was just all elbows." "I mean, how many times did our teeth clink?" "Too many." "Too many." "You know?" "Too many." "And you move your head a lot." "Well... passion..." "None." "Right?" "I know." "Definitely." "Like right out of the gate." "When I took my top off, and you actually said the word "gulp"?" "I said it?" "Yes." "Yeah." "Out loud?" "Okay." "Well, mistake on my part." "As bad as it was, you know, and it was bad, um..." "Okay." "Like... really... awful." "I get it." "I just..." "If there's an upside to any of this, it would be that I realize now what I have in Dan." "Silver lining, so that's nice." "Listen," "I can't do this..." "anymore." "This..." "What we..." "Yeah." "So, I just wanna..." "If we could just close the deal, be done with it." "And if it's okay with Dan, it's fine with me." "So..." "Good." "Okay." "Okay." "So, I will come back and get my stuff when you're gone." "No, I'm just gonna..." "the door." "To..." "I was born to roam, anyways." "Richard." "Liz just told me." "She did?" "Yup." "And... if it's fine with her, then I guess the deal is fine with me, so... it's approved." "Good." "I'll ride down with you." "Oh, you don't have to." "Okay." "Listen." "It goes without saying, but..." "Liz can never find out about that whole thing between us." "Okay." "Yep."