"[barack Obama speaking]" "[woman speaks foreign language]" "[explosion booms] [audience exclaims and laughs]" " [bleep]." "[cheers and applause]" " great, now we'll never see trump's tax returns." "Welcome to "tosh.0."" "it's the season of danim in denim." " danim in denim." " global warming may be a hoax perpetuated by the Chinese, but I'm still sportin' jorts well into October." "Tonight, we make room for this fine piece of ass." "I say things that will make you go, "huh."" "and an important safety tip that might just save your life." "More at 10:25." "Now, is your backyard too lush and inviting?" "Let's take a look at the property brothers' quick fix to give it that apocalyptic Syria feel." "[explosion booms]" " [bleep]." " if you know a better way to get rid of ants," "I'd love to hear it." "Say good-bye to your China balls, [bleep]-face." "Backyard-ghazi all over again." "Release the emails!" "Moving on." "We all have our own way of fighting seasonal allergies." " [exhaling rapidly]" " i believe she's protesting tree fort's antiquated "no girls allowed" policy." " pah-pah-pah, pah-pah-pah-pah-pah." " stay away from any white chick with that hairstyle." "[audience laughing]" " [exhaling rapidly]" " nobody's gonna intervene?" "All the other trees are just standing there." " [exhaling rapidly] [grunting] do-do-do-do-do." "Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam." " her childhood seems like it's in a good place." "[bell dinging] that's enough!" "Back to your corners." "You're doing great." "Sit down." "Stick to the strategy." "You're wearing her out." "You definitely gave her a splinter that round." "[laughter]" "[bell dinging] the girl won and is planning on moving up a wood class." "Taking on a maple." "Okay, let's investigate the horrifying ancient eastern practice of dry needling." "[indistinct chatter] you're gonna feel a little pinch, and then you won't feel anything because you're dead." "[audience laughing] [audience exclaiming]" " god." "[indistinct chatter] [audience exclaiming]" " they must've locked their keys inside of him." "I remember seeing this kiosk in the international terminal at lax." "Really helps you de-stress before a long flight." "You have to poke holes in Asian guys so they don't explode in the microwave." "[audience laughing] there are over 2,000 spots on the human body you can stab with zero consequences." "Fact." "[laughter] all right, being enslaved by robots looks pretty fun." "[audience laughing] now that Ford shipped their jobs down to Mexico, all those blue-collar boys in Michigan can use these abandoned machines to express their creative side." "If he stood and painted, maybe he'd get rid of that belly." "[laughter] that's just a thought." "Hope his mom and dad have a giant refrigerator to stick that on." "I'll start the bidding at 50¢." "The true artiste is the guy controlling that arm." "[mechanical whirring] oh, this thing is a beast." "[banging and whirring] we really should've tested this on a homeless person first." "We lost our Grant money... and a good friend." "♪ Ripmanbun." "Play the next thing." " i just bought this car three months ago." "[indistinct chatter]" " oh-ho-ho... [speaks indistinctly]" " nothing'll take me." " ooh. ooh, ooh, ooh." "Ooh." " do parking enforcement officers count as blue lives?" "Now, this is not good for your car..." "I mean letting a girl drive it..." "In this week's breakdown." "Welcome to Houston, a city that was created to catch connecting flights on united." "Tosh tip: i don't want to encourage civil disobedience here, but deflate your tire, and that boot'll slide right off." "Or just throw on the spare." "What's he gonna do, draw on you with his chalk on a stick?" " oh-ho-ho... [speaks indistinctly]" " nothing'll take me." " maybe she thinks it's just a warning boot." "Now her bimmer has a pimp limp." " ooh." "[indistinct chatter]" " i don't know." " [chuckling] [clicking] ooh." "Stop. please stop." "You're tearing your car up." " thousands of dollars in damages, a warrant out for her arrest?" "Totally worth it to get out of a $50 ticket and see the look on that parking piglet's face." "The American-made clamp was no match for the superior German engineering." "[laughter and cheers] you can't blame them." "Houston hasn't had anything to celebrate since the rockets stole a championship while Jordan was banned for gambling in '94." "If you're not cheering for her, you're racist, and for that, we thank you." "We'll be right back, but first, here's your dick of the week." "[cheers, bells ringing] [cheers and applause]" " come on, red!" " no foul for... [applause] [melancholy piano music]" "♪ [applause]" "[hip-hop music]" "♪" " at this moment, I'd like to stop and welcome our new African-American viewers." "We're gonna need more t.p." "that's randalin, and she's Venus on top," "Serena on the bottom." "She's the Internet's number one pawg..." "Phat ass white girl." "Not to be confused with whooty, which is a white girl with a big Booty." "These sound like insults, but they're actually black-handed compliments." "What a time to be alive!" "Before hip-hop, the fudge furnace was largely ignored in music." "People crooned about boring body parts like eyes and lips." "But, thanks to lululemon, Photoshop, and dangerous implant surgeries, we're in the middle of a butt boom." "A boom-boom boom, if you will." "If it weren't for thick tuchises, instagram would be nothing but photos of engagement rings and desserts." "Massive heinies like that used to be forced into the circus." "Now they're on e!" ", which might be more degrading." "No one wants to look like Pam Anderson anymore." "Boobs are out, butts are in." "Which means, as men, we have evolved in the way we objectify women." "And I'm happy to help randalin spread the word, and her cheeks, in this week's ce-web-rity profile." "[hip-hop music]" "♪ [ding] woman: oh, my god, Becky." "Look at her butt." " hi." " welcome to badonkadonks." "I'm Daniel." " oh, nice to meet you." " we've been waiting for you." "We're all huge fans." " thank you." "Woman: oh, my god, Becky." "Look at her butt." " Was that grimace?" " Yeah." "She comes in here every week." " i thought grimace was a guy." " yeah, she's transitioning." " oh." " now, let's help you pick out some clothes." " okay." "This one's cute." " [blows raspberries] ugh!" "I literally can't." "Yes." "Oh... [upbeat music]" "♪" " wow." " i got a man pussy." " i see that." "♪" " Randalin?" " Randalin, yeah." " what is a pawg?" " a phat ass white girl." " now, that's a thing?" " yeah, it's a new thing." "I just learned about it this year myself." " and you're the number one pawg?" " that's what i was called." " Where are you from?" " Seattle." " How old are you?" " 24." " so you were born before the whole sir mix-a-lot craze." " yeah." " what's your favorite sir mix-a-lot song?" " The only one i know." " What?" ""posse on Broadway" should always be the answer." " oh, that's the answer." " ♪ me and kid sensation" "♪ at home away from home" "♪ in the black benz limo" "♪ with a cellular phone so how big is your Booty?" " 63 inches, 64, roughly." "Somewhere around there." " where do you measure?" " the widest part, i think." " Uh-huh." " Yeah." " is your Booty genetic?" " yeah." " like, your mom has the same..." " my mom, my auntie, my uncle, and my brother." " huh." " big long line of big Booty people." "My family, we change at puberty." "All before that, i was a skinny little bean pole girl." " and then puberty, the hips just started going..." " they just... you know, my weight doesn't know where to go, so it's all just gonna go to my hips, thighs, and butt." " when did you go through puberty?" " 12, 13." " uh-huh. nice." " Yep." " Nice." "So you have a website where you sell videos, butt videos." " videos and pictures, yeah." " but it's not porn." " no, it's just risqué stuff that i won't post publicly." " uh-huh." "So that's what people..." " those dirty pictures that we send." " I don't send dirty photos." " Oh, well, you know." " do guys send you dirty photos of themselves?" " Oh, yeah. oh, yeah." " Oh, yeah?" "Do you save 'em?" " no." " You should save 'em all." " Why would i save 'em all?" " because you never know when you can blackmail someone." "Which is illegal, but it's still..." "it's still good to have." "You don't have any stalkers?" " oh, yeah." "I've been followed home and followed around and video recorded." " do you notice when people pull out a phone to take a photo?" " Oh, yes, every time." " I know." " You understand." " I do!" "As a huge celebrity." " yes." " no, but having a big ass is the same as being a celebrity." " Yeah, i guess, yeah." " Like, and people immediately, like, start, like..." " they, like..." ""oh, my god, do you see?" - mm-hmm." "Guys ever offer to fly you places?" " oh, yeah." "Africa and..." " Africa?" "[laughs] hold on." "Let's just... i want you to start at that..." "Africa is the first place people..." " a few people from Africa have asked me." "It's pretty funny." " oh, that's great." "What's your favorite race?" " anything darker than me." " what about Asian men?" "Are you attracted to Asian men?" " Asian men?" "Not..." " are you attracted to Asian businessmen?" "Because i have a feeling they would be extremely into you." " i don't know." " are you glad you're not just a boring white skinny bitch?" " yeah, i mean, i could be, or average." "But then i would blend in." " do you sometimes wish that you were?" " Oh, every day." " Oh, every day?" " I wish i would blend in." " Huh." "Don't you feel like you've grown up now in a good time where having a huge Booty is extremely accepted and almost praised?" " yeah, it's actually a good time." " what about toilet seats?" "Is it normal?" " no, you just spread and sit." "[laughs]" " i loved... i loved that." "Can you ride a bike?" " can you find the seat?" "The seat will be swallowed." " you can get, like, a special seat or something." "I don't even think..." "I don't think the seat's the issue." " i think the seat's the issue." " what about pool?" "Do you go swimming?" " yeah, i got pools." " have you ever gone to, like, a nude beach?" " No. have you?" " Oh." "Yeah. - oh, yeah." " i actually grew up on a nude beach, believe it or not. - oh, wow." " there was one guy that used to surf naked all the time." "Like, don't paddle near me." "I'm 14 years old." "Like, get away from me." "Does... this is gonna..." "I'm gonna come at you probably inappropriately, okay?" " Okay." " Heads up." "Now, does a man have to have a certain size penis to have sex with you, because there's clearly..." "I've got... there's a depth problem if you're too small." " well, no." " are you flexible?" " oh, yeah." "[laughs]" " do i sound creepy?" " i don't know." " all right, that's a little creepy." "That was a little creepy." "All right, randalin, having a big beautiful ass is great for breaking the Internet." "But god has given you such a humungous gift that you need to use it to end racism in America." "That's a lot of responsibility." " that's a lot of responsibility." "Crowd: [bleep] the police!" "[bleep] the police!" "[bleep] the police!" "[bleep] the police!" " hey!" "Crowd:" "[bleep] the police!" " in an effort to bridge the gap between the cops and you people, i introduce the new pawg unit that will be patrolling exclusively in urban neighborhoods." "[siren chirps] [hip-hop music]" "♪" "[music stops]" "[cheers and applause]" "♪" " Oh!" " Oh!" "♪" "[cheers and applause]" " a big ol' ass is like an onion." "It'll give you heinous breath if you eat it raw." "We'll be right back, but first, it's time for amasians." "That's asians doing amazing things." "[applause]" " hi, my name is Ryan, and i totally want to play football, but I'm just the kicker." "Huh!" " my name's Callie, and I'll [bleep] a bitch up." "Huh!" " my name is Brian, and i wear long socks to school so nobody can see my cankles." "Huh!" " my name's shanae, and I'm the ghettoest black bitch at newsome. huh!" " hi, my name is Kenny." "I think I'm the [bleep] and get bitches 'cause i lost weight." "Huh!" " my name's John Dominic, and my dad will sue you." "Huh!" " my name is Cameron, and i still have a android." "Huh!" " my name's Addison, and i swear" "I'm the most popular girl at newsome." "Huh!" " my name is tyreen, and i wear an iron maiden shirt as a fashion statement." "Huh!" " my name is Dev, and i am the leader of Isis." "Huh!" " my name is Troy, and i wear ugly shirts that take the focus off of my eyebrows." "Huh!" " everything you millennials do is god-awful, but then you come up with something like this and totally redeem yourselves." "The huh challenge is where high school kids mock their friends to their face, and tack on a condescending "huh."" "and since there's no place more childish than this office, what better way for you to get to know the people who work for me?" "Huh." "Hi, my name is Barry." "The only thing i actually protect is this bowl of candy on my desk." "Huh!" "Hi, my name is Carrie, and my husband married me to get a green card." "Huh!" "Hi, my name is mari, and no one knows if I'm 15 or 36." "Huh!" "Hi, my name is Nate, and i like to vape in the parking lot even though i had a heart attack four months ago." "Huh!" "[coughing] hi, my name is Andrew, and I'll never be as good at my job as Eric, the office alcoholic." "Huh!" "[laughter] hi, my name is long-haired guy whose office is in the kitchen and my boss doesn't know who i am even though I've worked here for eight years." "Huh!" "Hi, my name is Rick, and whenever I'm nice to anyone on the staff, it just makes them feel uncomfortable." "Huh!" "Whoo!" "Hi, my name is bill, and i boss people around at work because my wife has to tie my shoes for me every morning since my back injury, and i feel emasculated at home." "Huh!" "Hi, my name is Eva, but it's spelled with an "e"" "instead of an "a" because I'm a dog and dogs can't spell." "Huh!" "Hi, my name is Alex, and my parents are dead." "Huh!" " aww." " hi, my name is Daniel, and i look so young for my age." "Huh!" "You young folk keep coming up with stuff, and I'll keep ruining it." "Huh!" "Now, here's this week's viewer video." "[audience groaning] [water sloshing]" "[all screaming]" " [screaming] [ship horn blares]" " it's like someone found a way to record my dreams." "We'll be right back with more secondary Gary." "[cheers and applause]" " welcome back to the only TV show that is way more upset about the liev schreiber/naomi watts breakup than the Brangelina one." "Next week, if you're a single lady looking for a safe, sane lover, you're out of luck!" " I'm a single stud seeking a kinky chick for heart rocking and serious thrills." "I'm offering fun, games, relaxation, or excitement in return for a steady playdate with a woman who desires safe, sane thrills with an open-minded guy." " you know what they say about guys in Jean shorts." "Serial killers." "All of us." "I am no longer accepting new followers on Twitter." "The blog is now water-resistant, not waterproof." "There is a difference." "The buzz for next spring's "tosh point show: on campus"" "is deafening." "Everyone knows I'm a huge fan of the u." "Sadly "you" are out." "You can blame my ballerina wife, who doesn't want to risk having a tiny zika keychain baby." "Michigan state, you're in." "Also tickets are on sale for the sixth annual "tosh saves the world charity show"" "in sarasota, Florida." "Finally, listen up, kids." "It's time for this week's" ""tips for not getting kidnapped."" " what do you have on your hands?" " zip ties in case you ever get kidnapped, and not get these handcuffs 'cause you can do stuff with that." " so you untied your shoelace." " uh-huh." "Take your other shoelace and tie them together." "Once you have it... oops." "Then you're free." " i think we all learned a valuable lesson." "For you children watching, make sure you practice." "And not in your living room." "Lock yourself in the trunk of your parent's hot car." "Simulate game time situation." "For the kidnappers watching, take your victim's shoelaces." "It will also make it much more difficult for them to run away." "Good night!" "[cheers and applause]" " what do you think of the Kardashians?" " Oh, i love Kim." " You do love her?" " yeah, i do." " what do you think of her Booty though?" "It's fake. - she says it's real." " do you think it's real?" " i don't know." "I've never touched it." " do you have to touch it to know if it's fake?" " i don't know." "I'm not a doctor either." " have you ever touched a fake Booty?" " no. i wouldn't know the difference, probably."