"This will keep the sun out." "Be good." "Don't fuckin' move, you little shit." "Mama's gonna try to score." "Who's watching these babies?" "The fat one's watching?" "Nice parenting." "Leave them here and see what happens." "Fuck you, you fuckin' square!" "Yeah, keep on truckin'." "You hear him tell me how to fuckin' raise you?" "Who does he think he fuckin' is?" "What's the worst that could happen?" "Fuck!" "Fuck." "Fuck." "Fuck." "Fuck." "Fuck, fuck, motherfuck." "Mother-motherfuck." "Motherfuck." "Noinch." "One, two, three, four." "Noinch, noinch." "Smokin' weed, doin' coke, drinkin' beer." "Drinkin' beers." "Rollin' fatties, smokin' blunts." "We smoke the blunts." "A nickel bag." "15 bucks, little man." "Put that shit in my hand." "Ifthat doesn't show, you owe me, owe." "My Jungle Love!" "I think I want to know you." "What are you singing?" "You don't know "Jungle Love"?" "It's the mad notes." "Written by God himself... and handed down to the greatest band, "Time"." "The guys in that Prince movie?" ""Purple Rain"." "That's so gay." "Fuckin' 80's style." "Be good to "The Time"." "We modeled our lives... around Morris and Jerome." "I'm a smooth pimp who loves the pussy." "And tubby's my black-man servant." "You don't deal here." "Drop the kid and pedal someplace else." "And for the record, "The Time" sucked." "Want to hear something fucked up about him and that boy?" "You supposed to be here today?" "Don't get me started." "Let's do something about those two stoners." "What did they do?" "I'm watchin' "Clash Of The Titans"... and they're screaming about Morris Day." "I thought the fat one didn't talk." "Am I producing a biography?" "Two packs of wraps." "How's the service?" "What service?" "At the Unitarian Church... where you got married." "What the hell?" "Jay said you had a "Star Wars" theme... wedding and tied the knot... dressed like Storm Troopers." "I'm the bitch?" "If we were gay, yes." "Shut up." "Shit, the honeymoon's over." "That does it." "I'm gonna do these stoners." "I should have a long time ago." "Fuck, Serpico." "What'd we do?" "We got a report of 2 guys selling pot." "We don't smoke pot." "What do you use this for?" "I stick those little pieces of paper... over my brown eye and no stained undies." "I'll show you." "Check this out." "Spread my cheeks and you'll see the stink nuggets." "Pull up your fuckin' pants!" "We're going to the station." "Is it a crime to fart?" "No fuckin way!" "Slapped you with a retaining order?" "Ain't that a bitch?" "Are you gonna abide... or go bandit, Reynold's style?" "I we go 1 00 feet of the store... we go into County." "And there they make you toss the salad." "If you guys wanted to hang out... buy a store with that money you made." "Yeah, bitch." "What money?" "From the Bluntman And Chronic movie." "Don't tell me you have no idea... a movie's being made of the comic... based on you two?" "What?" "Since when?" "Here's the pulse." "And this is your finger... far from the pulse, jammed up your ass." "Want a chocolate covered pretzel?" "In Wizard it's the top story this month." "Check it out." "When did this happen?" "After X-men came out... all the studios started buying... all comic property." "Miramax optioned Bluntman." "I thought they only made classy pictures like "The Piano" or "The Crying Game"." "After "She's All That", everything went to hell." "You haven't gotten a monetary cut?" "Didn't they pay... rights for the comic book?" "We haven't seen a fuckin' dime." "I'm no lawyer, but I think they owe... you some fat cash." "I would find Holden McNeil and... ask for my movie check." "Yeah, we gots to get paid!" "And we cue the music." "Look at these morose motherfuckers here." "Smell like somebody shit in their cereal." "Come on in." "What brings you dirt merchants here?" "I'll tell you what." "Where's our movie check?" "I got nothing to do with it." "Banky owns the property now." "I sold him my half years ago." "Why the fuck did you?" "Why would I want to keep writing about characters... whose preoccupation is weed and fart jokes?" "Grow, man." "Don't you want anything more for yourself?" "This son of a bitch does." "I look into his doe eyes and se a man crying out." "Crying: "When, Lord?"" "When the fuck can your servant... ditch this foul mouthed chucklehead... to whom I'm a constant victim... and can't even kiss a girl." "Lord, when's gonna be my time?" "He knows." "Chucklehead?" "You're the fuckin' dumb ass... who gave your comic away." "And with no fucking movie check." "You're right." "I wish I'd held on to a piece." "According to the buzz, that movie's gonna make huge bank." "What buzz?" "The Internet buzz." "What the fuck's Internet?" "A communications tool used the world over... to bitch about movies... and share pornography." "Like Movie Poop Shot-dot-com." "Poop shoot, yeah!" "A site populated by militant movie buffs." "Pathetic bastards living in their parents' basement... downloading scripts and inside information... on movies they despise... but can't stop discussing." "This is about Bluntman." ""Miramax is starting production Friday... on adaptation of underground comic."" "Friday?" "Who's playing us?" "Miramax." "I'm sure it's Ben Affleck and Matt Damon." "They put them in a bunch of movies." "Who?" "Kids from "Good Will Hunting"." "That fuckin' movie with Mork from Ork in it?" "Yeah, but Affleck was the bomb in "Phantoms"." "Word, bitch. "Phantoms" was a motherfucker!" "This is the shoot back section where people get to chime in with their 2 cents." "Here's a guy with the chick-magnet name "Wampa One"... opining on what he thinks about the movie." ""Bluntman  Chronic and their stupid alter egos... only work in small doses." "They don't deserve their own movie."" "Fuck." "What's the next one say?" ""Fuck Them Up Their Stupid Asses"." ""lt's the worst comic I ever read... with stoners who spout... dumb ass catch phrases..." "like a third rate Cheech  Chong." "Fuck Jay  Silent Bob up their stupid asses!"" "Who the fuck said that?" "Calls himself Magnolia Fan." "Check this out." ""One-note jokes that only stoners laugh at." "They are fucking clown shoes." "If they were real, I'd beat the shit out of them." "I'll boycott this movie." "Who's with me?"" "And 50 more posts of people... who join the boycott." "I'll kill all these fucks." "They're not talking about you." "They're talking about Bluntman." "But they said Jay  Bob, our real names." "if there's a comic book and a real version... no one knows we're real." "All reading that... think we're jerk-offs... because of what those dick-heads write." "Maybe we are mackin' some chick and she say:" "I want to suck you off." "What's your names?"" "And I say "Jay  Silent Bob." "Recognize"." "She says "l read on the lnternet that... you were fuckin' jerk-off."" "Then she goes and sucks 2 other guys' dicks." "We got to stop these fuckin' sons of bitches... before they ruin our good names." "I don't know how good they are." "But you can't stop this bile." "Internet gives everyone a voice... and America can bitch... about movies." "As long as there's a movie... the net nerds are negative." "If there wasn't a Bluntman Chronicmovie... those fuckers wouldn't be saying shit." "They're not saying anything about you." "They talk about fictional characters." "Fictional characters." "Am I getting through?" "All we gotta do is stop the fuckin' movie from getting made." "And forego the hundreds of thousands of dollars... you two would be entitled to." "You fucking retarded?" "Many of us think... this flick may be the worst idea since Greedo shooting first." "A Jay  Silent Bob movie?" "Who'd pay to see that?" "But, since it's inevitable, I recommend you... hunt Banky down and get your... motherfuckin' check." "That's what's important." "No, Holden McNeil." "The important thing is a bunch of motherfuckers... calling us assholes on the lnternet." "teenagers who can't even get laid." "That's the most important thing." "When is this movie getting made?" "This Friday." "If today is Tuesday, that gives us... eight days." "Three by my count." "My bad." "3 days to stop that fuckin' stupid movie." "Silent Bob, we're going to Hollywood." "Tickets?" "Since when do they charge for the bus?" "We rode that shit to school for free." "This sucks." "How come we ain't getting no rides?" "You're doing it all wrong." "Give the driver a little incentive." "Like how?" "Like this." "If they pick you up and you don't... they kick your ass to the curb?" "If you don't make with the head." "If it'll get me a couple hundred miles..." "I'll take a shot in the mouth." "But we ain't gay." "Don't be so suburban." "It's the new millennium." "Gay, straight, it's all the same." "There are no more lines." "There's a line, and on this side of it we ain't gay." "All hitchers do this." "Why do you think people pick us up?" "If you get a ride, it's expected." "I don't care who the driver is." "It's the first rule in the book." "What book?" "The book of the road." "Follow the rules of the book... and you'll get where you're goin'." "Excuse me." "You don't have to sit back there." "Why doesn't one come sit next to me?" "Where are you from?" "New Jersey, on our way to Hollywood." "Hollywood?" "That's far away." "Thank God you picked us up." ""Do unto others", that's what the book says." "You follow the book too?" "I live my life by it." "You?" "Of course." "So you live by the book, too?" "You picked us up." "I have to." "That's good to hear... but it's easier to say you live by the book... than to actually do it." "Can you do it?" "I can't believe this." "5 hours and not a ride." "Many people hitch to Hollywood... to stop studios from making films." "but when we try it's like we're trapped in a fuckin' cartoon." "Zoinks." "The mystery of the hitchhiking ghouls." "Pull off their masks to see who they are." "I don't think they are masks." "And they're not hitchhiking girls, either." "Ghouls, you fuckin' moron, not girls." "I wish they were sexy hitchhiking girls." "We have a mystery to solve." "The mystery is why we take our cues... from a dick in a neckerchief" "I'll feed you to the fuckin' dog." "I can't take all this fighting." "Turn those frowns upside down." "I got just the thing for that." "We call it... doobie snacks." "Hi, Jay and Silent Bob." "I think they passed out." "What do we do with them now?" "Cut out their kidneys and sell them." "Leave them in a motel bathtub full of ice." "You see something?" "Anything?" "I had a horrible dream." "I'm hungry." "Where can we get some breakfast?" "Check out the lnternet." "Let's see if those fucks wrote... something on that flick." ""Any movie on Jay and Silent Bob are gonna lick balls... because they both lick balls."" "Motherfucker!" "It's time we wrote something back." "Type this." "You motherfuckers are gonna pay." "You're the ball lickers." "We're gonna fuck your mothers... and cry." "Once in Hollywood... those Miramax fucks making the movie... will eat our shit, then shit out our shit and eat their shit that we made them eat." "And you motherfucks are next." "Love, Jay  Silent Bob." "That'll show those fucks." "Now we can eat our Egga-Mooby and go to Hollywood and stop those fucks." "No more hairy bush nuns, no more dogs." "We keep our eye on the prize." "And let nothing... and I mean nothing distract us." "Holy shit!" "Do you get free refills with that?" "No, I use this for protection." "So that no guys try to grab my shit." "Hi, I'm Justice." "And I am so fuckin' yours." "I'm Jay." "This is my hetero life-mate, Silent Bob." "Nice to meet you." "Justice, that's a nice name." "Jay and Justice sitting in a tree... f-u-c-k-i-n-g." "You come around here often?" "I'm not from here." "My friends and I are on a trip." "Friends?" "Where are they?" "Out there by that van." "Hi." "I think I just filled the cup." "Ladies, ladies, ladies:" "Jay and Silent Bob are in the house." "Who the fuck are these guys?" "This is Jay and Silent Bob." "Guys, this is Sissy, Missy and Chrissy." "Where'd they come from?" "They're gonna hitch a ride." "I don't know if that's a good idea." "Sure it is, Jugs." "Oh, my God!" "He just called Sissy "Jugs"." "I'm on it." "Chrissy, no!" "We're in the middle of suburbia." "Act like it." "What's with the knife?" "We having cake?" "Shit." "He's retarded to boot." "She called you retarded." "What's with you, Justice?" "Remember where we're going." "We have a job to do." "They'll just tag along a few miles." "They won't get in the way." "I don't know what's going on in your fuckin' brain lately." "Please?" "But they are so out of here... before we get to Boulder." "Honest injun." "Honest injun." "Shut up." "What a pushover you are." "I can't believe fine-ass bitches like you eat that shit." "Fast food makes girls fart." "What's all this about farting?" "Hi, Brent." "This is Brent." "He's with us, too." "Do girls fart?" "Of course not." "Only skeevy stoners fart." "What up, homies?" "Wow, three guys, four girls." "What's the count, boys?" "Let's rock." "Dear Mr. Science guy... don't spray that aerosol in my eye." "I don't really want to die." "I'm a noble rabbit." "You guys a cover band or something?" "We're the Kansas chapter of..." "Students Against Animal Cruelty." "We're going to Colorado to give Provasik a piece of our minds." "What the fuck you babbling about?" "Watch the language, little boy!" "There are females present." "Provasik is a medical lab where they perform... gross experiments on animals." "What kind of animals?" "Bears, rhinos?" "More like dogs, cats, rabbits, muskrats, beavers." "Even monkeys." "If we don't speak up for them, who will?" "Right, Jussy?" "Right, Brent." "Can I talk to you a second?" "You're down with this for the fine-ass pussy." "I'm down with this because I love animals, stupid." "Even sheep?" "Sheep are beautiful creatures." "They are beautiful, aren't they?" "Oh God, yes." "So you'd fuck a sheep, right?" "What is your damage?" "You have a twisted perspective." "You're misunderstanding me, Prince Valiant." "If you were another sheep." "Would you fuck a sheep?" "You bet your ass I would." "I thought so." "This motherfucker said he'd fuck a sheep." "Now who's stupid, you dirty sheep fucker?" "What are we gonna do?" "Shut up, I'm thinking." "Is Hollywood near?" "Is that where you're from?" "Yeah, Jersey represent." "A Jersey boy." "What brings you out here?" "We couldn't hang around... the Quick-Stop no more." "It's been our home since we were kids." "Bob even busted his cherry there." "You did?" "I bet she was a lucky girl." "Fuck that fat fuck!" "I'm trying to tell a story." "Sorry." "We were talking to Brodie... about the Bluntman  Chronic movie." "So we went to see Holden and he showed us the lnternet... where we found those jerk-offs." "So we decided to go to Hollywood and stop the movie." "I don't get what you just said." "I get that a lot." "So, you like animals, huh?" "Sure." "That's cool." "Even snakes?" "You can't exclude an animal because... they're not cuddly." "How about trouser snakes?" "What's a trouser snake?" "What the fuck wait?" "She went for the set-up." "Reach in and pull your cock out, bitch." "Girls like that kind of shit." "Here is where the angel... shows up and tell you... not to pull your dick out, but we... bitch-slapped that motherfucker and sent him packing." "Jesus loves little children." "Sorry I'm late." "What's the deal?" "Don't tell me you're whipping your dick out... at this fine piece of woman?" "See if Bob thinks it's a good idea... to whip your dick out." "Put the dick down." "You got to go from heart." "No perv bullshit is gonna work." "Be smooth." "I gotta beat the shit out of... two sucker punching little bitches." "Remember, don't pull your dick out until she asks." "Or until she's sleeping." "So what can a smooth pimp-daddy like me... do to help the animals?" "You don't want to help us" "Sure I do." "I'd do anything for you." "I mean I'd do anything for youse guys." "Because of the lift." "Let me talk to the other girls and get back to you." "You do that." "I'll be right here waiting." "Fuck you, fatty." "You guys want anything?" "No, we're cool." "It just isn't the same, is it?" "It licks balls compared to the Quick-Stop." "How about that Justice chick?" "She is fine, and smells fucking pretty." "She has a nice voice, and that body!" "Fuckin' smoking." "She didn't tell me to fuck off when I was talking to her... or pull out the pepper spray." "She could be the one." "Smooth move, Justice." "Nice going, 4 eyes." "Why did you let him throw Brent out?" "If I had to listen to those stupid songs..." "I was gonna throw him out myself." "We needed Brent." "He was our patsy." "We'll find someone else." "I didn't see you try to stop Jay." "I didn't want to blow our cover." "You all hated his songs, too." "Not as much as I hate you." "We have a very simple gang." "I'm the brains, Chrissy's the brawn... and Missy's the tech." "What you're doing here?" "Your name doesn't even rhyme." "Without our patsy... you have to convince them... to break into Provasik." "You'll do it or you're out." "Just use the little one." "He's in love with you." "Jay?" "No, he's not." "He wasn't kissing your hand in the van..." "like he was Lord Byron?" "Maybe he has manners?" "Ever had your asshole licked by a fat man?" "Got about 2 hours before Boulder." "Plenty of time to work on him." "I'm not gonna do it." "Why the fuck not?" "He's just so innocent." "Look at him." "Who's it gonna be?" "Him or us?" "Steal a monkey?" "No problem." "It's not stealing." "It's liberating it." "Wait." "Did you say "no problem"?" "We steal monkeys all the time." "Right, lunch-box?" "It's not a bad thing." "It's for a good cause." "For the best cause, mon cheri." "The cause of love." "Snoogens." "What is that?" "What?" "Snoogens, I believe." "It means I'm kidding." "That's too bad." "I'm gonna get some pussy for stealing a monkey." "If I'd known that earlier..." "I'd have been stealing monkeys since I was 7." "Motherfucker, don't ruin this." "We gonna get married." "So don't look like we ain't gonna steal the monkey." "I'm Morris Day, you're Jerome!" "Don't forget that." "That girl is in love with me." "They're gonna do it." "Good." "They do their part and we'll do ours." "We meet back here." "Are you sure you're okay?" "Sure as I am that you're the hottest bitch I've ever seen." "What's twistin' this bitch's tit?" "Women don't like to be called bitches, Jay." "They don't?" "How about "fine piece of ass"?" "How about not." "What the fuck do I call you?" "Something sweet, you goof." "Something nice." "Boo-boo kitty fuck?" "That's a start." "Jay, could you... say something about the clitoris?" "You are such a bitch!" "Shut up, Justice." "She's a little embarrassed." "It's a documentary for a human sexuality class." "We need a male perspective on the clitoris." "The female clitoris?" "You don't have to do this." "There's a few things about the clit..." "I'd like you to hear." "I am the master of the clit." "Remember this fuckin' face." "Wherever you see clit, you'll see this face." "I make that shit work." "No one rules the clit like me." "None of you little fucks out there." "I am the clit commander." "When it comes down to business..." "I pinch it like this." "Oh, you little fuck." "And rub my nose." "Awesome." "Knock 'em dead, tiger." "I will." "Could I get a little kiss for good luck?" "Could I get a little blow job for good luck?" "No." "Go." "Get off my Kool-Aid, motherfucker." "Jussy, come on." "Are they in?" "You could say that." "Time to shine." "Let's go." "You are so gay." "Once upstairs, I want silence." "This counts our decibel level." "If it goes into the red, we're dead." "Not even the slightest noise." "Justice, move your ass." "Check this shit out." "Animal tranquilizers." "This shit fucks you up." "Keep it so me and Justice can shoot each other... and fuck like stoned test-bunnies." "Suzanne." "Boo-yah." "Fuck, the stoner was right!" "Boom-box." "Months of planning and... it's all blown by a fart." "We can't leave them here." "That alarm will bring the cops." "That's been the plan." "They take the heat off us." "You little stoner fucks!" "There ain't no snacks here." "We got it." "Let's get outta here." "It's sad, but what are we supposed to do?" "Justice, open the door!" "Oh, shit!" "Drop the bag!" "You mind if I lean that there?" "My, oh my, oh my." "Who let the cats out?" "Wait, is that...?" "Who the hell are you?" "Federal Wildlife Marshall." "This investigation is under my jurisdiction." "Really?" "Why is that?" "Someone let a mess of animals out." "A diversionary tactic... to call attention away from the real heist." "That's a believable scenario." "Like out of a bad movie." "They've rounded up their... animals except for one, an orangutan." "The most dangerous animal known to man." "This was just delivered." "What is it?" "A tape claiming responsibility for the break-in." "Do you have a VCR?" "I am the clit commander." "Oh, my God!" "Blafsky, it's Willenholly" "Get me on the national news, pronto." "Because we may be dealing with the two most... dangerous men on the planet." "This is Jussy's monkey." "She died for you, you monkey fuck!" "Do something, tons of fun." "Is that thing waving at us?" "It understood us." "Maybe it's some kind of supermonkey?" "You're my bitch!" "You get my back." "Don't take this chimp's side." "What if there are more supermonkeys at that lab?" "Maybe they're making an army?" "Holy shit!" "Maybe it's a conspiracy..." "like in the "X-Files"?" "Working in secret with a crew to... make man believe they're the superiorspecies." "You'll have to be faster than Walt Flannigan's dog... orelse you'll be captured, killed, or worse." "I'm not supposed to be here." "Eaten alive." "These fucks will start wearing ourclothes... and rebuilding the world in theirimage." "Only who outwits the apes will remember... that it was man who once ruled the Earth." "You maniacs!" "Damn youse!" "God damn youse all to hell!" "Not on my watch, motherfucker." "Die, you super-monkey fuck!" "You can live, for now." "Bitches love me." "Let's get something to eat." "We ain't hiding." "We gotta get to Hollywood." "We're in the clear." "No one knows we stole the monkey." "Here's an exclusive News Now bulletin." "A Provasik testing facility was attacked... by terrorists calling themselves..." "The Coalition for Liberation of itinerant..." "Tree Dwellers, or C.L.I.T." "In a videotape sent to authorities these men credit the liberation of an orangutan." "They were identified in the tape." "Jay and Silent Bob." "In this clip they say... they're in control of the C.L.I.T." "We are the C.L.I. T." "Tremble before my remorseless leader." "I am the clit commander." "Terrifying." "Here is Federal..." "Wildlife Marshall Willenholly." "Thanks for joining us." "What can you tell us about C.L.I.T.?" "From the intelligence have..." "C.L.I.T. is a tiny offshoot of the L.A.B.I.A." "Liberate Apes Before lmprisoning?" "Exactly." "The 2 men in the video... go by the code names of Jay and Silent Bob." "Ifanyone comes across any other Clitties... exercise extreme caution." "That restraint was a good idea." "What response do you elicit... putting this pressure on the C.L.I. T. ?" "You don't want to rub the C.L.I. T. the wrong way." "Nights like this, I miss dating a lesbian." "Is thatyourcell phone?" "Blavsky, give me a friggin' break." "I'm on my way." "They're in Utah." "Citizens of Utah, stimulation of the C.L.I. T. is not recommended." "Your plan worked." "The news is all about Jay and Bob... no mention of the diamond heist." "They were the perfect patsies." "You have any regret?" "They don't deserve this." "They're sweet." "I regret not gutting that trout-mouthed prick." "And playing twister with his vitals." "You used to be all about this... stealing, boning, blowing shit up." "Now you're this little priss with a conscience." "We have to grow up." "If moping over some boy is growing up... pass me my Wonder-Woman Underoos." "Marvelous Pizza comin' through." "Who ordered the pizza?" "A large plain... but I'd go for hot, thick Sicilian." "No charge, lady." "Hurry." "I'm sorry, Jay." "Justice died for this monkey." "We should keep it around... to honor her memory." "Ain't you glad we came here?" "You were scared we'd get busted by the cops." "Know what I say?" "Fuck the Police." "Fuck the Police!" "Fuck the Police!" "Fuck the Police!" "Yo, fuck 'em!" "This is the Utah State Police." "We know you're in there." "Come on out with your hands in the air... and surrender the orangutan." "They talking about us?" "Sorry." "Don't shoot." "Hold your fire." "Who the hell are you?" "Federal Marshall." "Is the monkey there?" "The ape." "Orangutan is a great ape, not a monkey." "Who's the Federal Marshall here?" "Can I use your...?" "Jay and Bob, your C.L.I. T doesn't stand a chance." "Anyone not harboring a monkey, hit the deck." "We are going to open fire." "Get out there and give them the monkey." "Maybe it ain't so bad at that lab?" "They fuck a bunch of monkeys?" "We don't know." "Stay out of this, weepy chimp." "Fuck, you're the guy who makes the blueprints." "I don't have the smarts of a..." "little kid." "Do not shoot!" "We're trying to take our son out of this hostile environment." "Their son?" "They one of those gay couples?" "We're gay." "And this is our adopted love child." "We're not from around here." "We're from a liberal city... with prejudice and bigotry from the heart of Utah." "This is the last thing I need." "homosexuals shooting their mouths off to the..." "liberal media that the Federal Office persecutes gays." "You fucking crazy?" "They may be gay... but that's the ape!" "I would recognize an ape if I saw one." "And now I recognize... a political fiasco that I'm about to avoid..." "letting this butt-fucking Brady bunch go." "You are free to leave, sirs." "Yes, you, sirs." "We can go?" "Please accept my apology for detaining your... constitutionally protected family unit." "Un-fuckin'-believable." "That is one fine looking young boy you're raising." "Because he's from my sperm." "I knocked up this woman friend... so as not to be all-the-way gay." "He loves the cock." "He certainly looks insatiable." "Bye-bye." "I'll be damned if that isn't one happy family." "Let's just shoot some tear gas into the diner." "When the monkey comes out..." "Fuck beans!" "That was them!" "I said you love the cock." "I'm the craftiest motherfucker alive." "Flee, fat-ass, flee!" "Head for the sewer!" "You fat fuck!" "Fire a shot into his bulbous ass." "Suck it in." "Think thin!" "One rectal breach comin' up." "Suck it in!" "Incoming!" "Just like Winnie the Pooh." "That was a daring escape." "You and your men stay here." "When I... corner him, I'll call for backup." "I'm counting on you." "You've taught me so much." "Fuck this asshole." "Let's go back to the station and cornhole us a drunk." "Put the monkey down and your hands up!" "You want to get shot?" "I didn't think so." "She doesn't want to go back to the lab and..." "I ain't gay." "And while we're on the subject..." "I knew that wasn't a real little boy." "For one more record, he loves the cock." "On your knees, Texas Pete." "Let's go." "he's lining us up like circus seals." "I'm first." "I don't want a mouth full of monkey spit... if I gotta blow this G-man." "What are you talking about?" "No one's gonna get blown." "These guys are good." "Very good." "Hey, law-dog." "See you in Hell, cock-smoker." "Fuck me!" "Get the off her, that's my ex-girlfriend's monkey." "Who the fuck just steals a monkey?" "Oh, yeah." "This blows." "We have one day to stop this movie." "They took the one woman I loved enough... not to stick my hand down her pants." "Go after the monkey?" "Where's that car going?" "Don't just point." "You gotta take a shit?" "You gotta take a salad." "What you trying to say?" "Say it!" "You could always tell that stupid Amy story." "But you can't say:" ""l disagree," or:" ""Those are good cheese fries"." "Just fuckin' say it!" "The sign on the back of the car... said "Critters of Hollywood"... you dumb fuck!" "Say it, don't spray it." "That is one fine-looking boy you are raising." "If it isn't the wildlife expert." "Your office faxed this over." "It's a post from an lnternet chat board... signed by a Jay  Silent Bob." ""You motherfuckers are gonna pay."" ""You are the ball lickers."" ""We're gonna fuck your mothers... once we get to Hollywood."" "They're going to Hollywood." "It's not cheating." "Justice blew up." "We find out where they're shooting this movie... bust that shit up, and look for the monkey." "We gotta find a motherfucker in the know." "Like the Mayor." "Want some crack?" "Get you high." "Do you want some weed?" "Are you on the job?" "Yeah." "Jersey local 404." "Pumpkin Escobar, Los Angeles local 305." "What up?" "It's a small world." "You dudes... getting medical out in Jersey?" "No." "We might strike in September." "Norma Rae like a motherfucker." "You know... where they're shootin' a movie?" "You're in Holly-weird." "You got to be more specific." "Miramax." "We gotta bust it up... so people stop calling us names... although they're talkin'... about characters based on us." "And gotta find my ex-girlfriend's, killed in a car explosion, monkey." "I don't know what you said... but you're special." "You reached out and... touched a brother's heart." "I'll give you directions." "Give me the map, Scott." "Give me the map, Scott!" "You know where Miramax is?" "Is Hollywood ready for Jay and Bob?" "A Federal Marshall's office tells us... of a posting pulled off an lnternet chat... written by the two domestic terrorists... sending a shock-wave." "Jules Asner is on the scene at Miramax Studios." "The tenor is one of terror today... after learning that Jay and Bob... have targeted Miramax studios for their next... campaign of blood, violence and monkey theft." "In a posting pulled off lnternet... they threatened, and I quote:" ""Once we get to Hollywood and find those Miramax (deleted) making the Bluntman movie... we'll make them eat our (deleted)" "(deleted) our (deleted), then... eat their (deleted) which is made up of... our (deleted) that we made them eat." Unquote." "We've been unable to... get a statement." "No sign of Jay and Silent Bob?" "None whatsoever." "To be fair, no one is sure... what they look like." "They could already be on the lot." "We gotta play this right." "You don't have a pass!" "I hate how fake Hollywood is." "Where do you think you're going?" "I've got a 1 007." "2 unauthorized on the lot." "Requesting back-up." "I thought that was a 1082." "A 1 082 is disappearing a dead hooker... from Ben Affleck's trailer." "ThatAffleck." "Back-up on the way." "This guy will suck your dick off if you let us go." "Not everyone... in the industry is a homosexual." "How about this?" "He'll suck my dick while you watch and jerk-off?" "Alright." "Make it fast, and sexy." "Either this or, you know what they do in jail." "I was a guard." "After, you say: "What a lovely tea party."" "What you waiting for?" "Start sucking." "Worth a shot." "Like a shot in the fuckin' mouth." "You were gonna really suck my dick." "Remember what I said." "Do not look at Ben or Matt directly or you'll be fired." "Everybody understand that?" "Thank you." "You frosted your hair." "I frosted my hair, but it looks good." "This has got to be the flick." "There are those fucks from the Mork movie." "Lips-Teeth time or Lion Face?" "Lion face!" "Lemon face!" "Where we taking it from, Gus?" "I'm busy." "You're a true artist." "Let's just take it from "lt's a good course"." "You're the director now?" "who talked who into doing... this shit in the first place?" ""Dogma is one thing, but..." "Sorry I dragged you away from whatever... gay serial killers who... ride horses and play golf." "You haven't seen "Forces Of Nature"?" "What do I keep telling you?" "Do the safe picture, then do the art picture." "Sometimes you have to... do the payback picture... because you owe." "And sometimes you do "Reindeer Games"." "That's just mean." "We gotta figure out how to get closer to them." "You stand here, your buddy's right here." "Just stand here and don't say anything." "Especially you." "That's pretty funny." "Lock it up, people, we're going." "Make it happen, guys." "Get you fuckin' hands off me." "Fuck off!" "On 3, we rush these fucks and... beat the shit out of them... and fuck the movie." "Ready?" "One, two, three!" ""Good Will Hunting ll:" "Hunting Season." Scene 1 6, Take 5." "Think about the paycheck." "Action, Gus?" "Jesus, Ben, I said I'm busy." "I remember the class." "I found it rather elementary." "I remember." "It was between recess and lunch." "Are we gonna have a problem?" "I was hoping you'd give me a little insight... into the Southern Colonies." "Wood says..." "You're back in here regurgitating Gordon Wood." "But you forgot Vickers." "I just read Vickers." "So I'm up on "inherited Wealth"." "You're no longer the brilliant mind you once were... itching to vent your frustrations." "You stopped hitting the books." "I've read shit you haven't even heard about." "Face facts, you're no longer that good..." "Will Hunting." "How do you like them apples?" "I don't like them." "What're we gonna do?" "Chuckie." "Yeah?" "It's hunting season." "Apple sauce, bitch." "Sorry to interrupt, but we've got a 1 007." "Oh, Jesus." "Again, Ben?" "Bullshit!" "I wasn't with a hooker today." "There they are!" "You were the bomb in "Phantoms"!" "Bastard, let's see who you are." "Fucking Miramax!" "Cut!" "Usually I say "Cut"." "A monkey, Wes?" "You guys aren't even trying anymore." "People love monkeys." "We love this monkey." "See." "Punch it!" "Those are magical guys." "I knew it." "You love that shit." "Shit, that looked like it hurt." "You guys alright?" "Get on your feet." "Aren't you the guy that fucked the pie?" "You see, man, you see!" "It's never: "You were in 'Loser', weren't you?" Or..." ""You rocked in 'Boys And Girls"'." "It always comes back to that fuckin' pie." "You put your dick in a pie." "Enough!" "I'm Jason Biggs." "Did you get that Russian chick like in the movie?" "Shannon?" "No." "She's fine." "If I was you, I would've been..." "You like that?" "You never did one?" "I've done plenty of that." "Shit, you're the Dawson." "James Van Der Beek." "What's with Pacey stealing Joey from you?" "I would have drowned his ass in the creek." "You watch that show?" "Joey is too fine." "Ever get to 3rd base with her?" "One time..." "Who are you guys?" "Our stunt doubles." "Right?" "Of course." "Stunt doubles for what?" "For the move that we're shooting." "Bluntman  Chronic Strike Back." "You're doubling me." "I'm Bluntman, A.K.A Silent Bill." "Bob." "Right." "And he's playing Chronic." "Ray." "Biggs, did you read the script?" "There's a script?" "Pie-fucker, you would only last a day on "The Creek"." "We'll be right back." "Fuck you and your "Dawson's Crack"." "They're playing us." "You take 'em out, no movie." "Useless little ape." "What's with the gay huddle over there?" "Let me put my arm over yours." "What's gay about it?" "2 guys talking in a corner." "You're such a homophobe." "You're always like "That's gay", or..." ""Look at that gay dog."" "Dude, that is so gay." "Yeah, see." "I love gay people." "I'm sure." "Look at the monkey." "Is the monkey's gay?" "He doesn't smoke monkey pole?" "He's so cute." "Go in and start swinging, don't stop until... those fucks are out of commission." "Break!" "That's one funky monkey." "Mr. Biggs, Mr. Van Der Beek, There are 2... intruders who... crashed through your window." "They're in here." "Are you held hostage?" "Should we call your publicist?" "No." "We kicked those guys asses bad." "If you'll let us in, we'll take over from here." "Me and Jason Biggs are naked in here." "Butt-naked." "Together." "We'll wait out here until you clean up." "We gonna get out without them seeing us?" "Wrong guys." "Doesn't anybody watch the WB?" "I'm a teen idol!" "Don't you recognize me?" "I'm the pie-fucker!" "In prison, he'll be the pie." "This was a good idea." "In these outfits... we're incognito." "Mr. Biggs, Mr. Van Der Beek." "Great, you've changed." "The director doesn't like to be kept waiting." "Look at these crackers." "70 million dollars and I can't get... a black grip." "It's a shame." "Your coffee, sir." "You spit in this?" "No." "Any boogers in it?" "No boogers in it." "You went to film school?" "Must piss you off, a black man running a production." "Does your daddy know you give a nigger his coffee?" "It would kill him, wouldn't it?" "There's no boogers." "Then taste it!" "Taste the booger flavor." "It's good, sir." "No it ain't all good." "Clean that shit up." "Get me... a white boy so I can enjoy that shit." "You're the man." "You are, and that's the problem." "I'm Banky Edwards, the creator of Bluntman  Chronic." "I'm the Executive Producer." "You're the Executive Producer?" "Executive produce me a latte de-crackernated." "Fuckit?" "It's Banky." "No, it's Fuckit!" "I respect your work as an artist." "I was the inker on the comic book." "You're a tracer." "Nobody got the heart to tell you." "You trace." "You go around the lines." "You think Fat Albert had a tracer?" "Bill Cosby did the whole thing with a roller." "Crack, crack, cracker?" "Biggs and Van Der Beek are on the set." "I don't see them!" "Where are the stars?" "This set them back a couple hundred bucks." "A gay hood ornament and the color purple." "Who the fuck are you?" "I'm the director, Chaka Luther King." "Who the fuck am I?" "I though Banky and Holden created this shit." "I'm stealing it and taking it back for the black man... for all the shit you have taken from us." "I came up with "Sesame Street"... before the white man stole it." "I was gonna call it NWP:" "Niggers With Puppets." "Catchy, ain't it?" "Enough of small talk." "Let's shoot." "Aren't you gonna direct us?" "To the unemployment line... if you don't stop back-talking." "We didn't read the script." "It ain't hard." "I film the motherfucker." "I yell "Cut!" and run and go to my trailer with.." "more white girls than on the Titantic." "They all want a part." "I got it for 'em." "You ready to do this?" "Let's roll." "Quiet on the set!" "Picture is up." "Your new coffee, sir." "You guys look bad-ass." ""Bluntman  Chronic Strike Back", scene 37, take 1 ." "What're you waiting for?" "Action!" "Um... snoochy-boochies." "What the fuck?" "Thought I'd never find your precious Bluntcave..." "Hemp Knight?" "But now, you and your sidekick... are finally in the grasp of Cock-Knocker!" "Why Cock-Knocker?" "That's a funny story..." "You'll love it." "True story." "Avenge me, Hemp-Knight" "George Lucas is gonna sue somebody." "Any last words before I bust your balls, Bluntman?" "Duck, pie-fucker." "These white boys can't fight." "Don't fuck with a Jedi master." "Bitch-fists!" "Call me Darth-balls." "Good Lord." "That wasn't in the script." "So this is Hollywood?" "Lights, camera, action, Jay and Silent Bob." "Freeze, you terrorist sons of bitches!" "That was supposed to be a warning shot." "I'm obviously on the wrong set." "Is he okay?" "Not good." "You are not upstaging me, Van Der Beek." "It's gonna make "House Party" look like "House Party 2"." "Or "House Party 3"." "Shut the fuck up!" "Chaka, call off Dawson, will you?" "Can I get a "cut"?" "Not again." "Who's balls have been busted?" "That's it!" "I'm out of here." "I'll be in my trailer." "What the..." "The C.L.I.T. stops here, Jay and Bob." "Another white boy in this movie?" "Federal Wildlife Marshall." "Go back to making your adult movie." "These men are terrorists... wanted for abduction of a monkey." "They were really used... as a diversion so we could steal these." "They're not the leaders." "The C.L.I.T. is not real." "Oh, the C.L.I.T.'s real." "It's the female orgasm... that's the myth." "You know what I'm talking about?" "Are you alright?" "Didn't you blew up, Kitty-fuck?" "You remembered." "It was a frame-up, Jay." "Missy, Sissy, Chrissy and I are jewel thieves." "but I couldn't... go through with it... because I love you." "That means you're gonna fuck me?" "Of course." "It'll be considered necrophilia... because she's one dead bitch." "Did we get you at a bad time?" "You should've let them go down." "I wanted to go down... but this angel popped on my shoulder." "Shut up before I shoot... you pansy red booties." "I am wearing pansy red booties!" "Why the fuck didn't you tell me?" "Let's have those diamonds." "I can't, Sissy." "Lover-boy gets it the brain." "Lovely ladies!" "Would you like an audition for my movie?" "Bring that ass over." "Crackers with guns." "Time to get my black ass out." "You let me down." "Throwing it all away for a little stoner..." "Which fighting style... you want me to kick your ass in?" "Are you kidding?" "I taught you all you know." "There's no style I can't defend." "You're no match for my Monk." "Or my Crouching Tiger." "A little Venus Fly-trap?" "A Dragon Queen?" "How about "My man ain't your baby's daddy"?" "Bring it on." "I hope they rip their shirts... and we see some titties flopping around," "Mr. Biggs, Mr. Van Der Beek, I wanted to say hi." "Banky-fuckin' Edwards!" "We came to see you." "What the fuck are you doing here?" "Why you shooting at me?" "Two reasons." "One, we're walking-talking bad." "Two, because you're a man!" "Only on the outside." "Stop the movie?" "Are you crazy?" "Assholes are calling us names... because of this fuckin' movie." "Internet is for slandering others anonymously." "Stopping the flick won't stop that." "This isn't fair." "We came to Hollywood, I fell in love." "Stole a monkey, got shot at... and punched in the nuts by... a guy named Cock-knocker." "I feel for you." "But Miramax films paid me... a shitload for the movie." "So people bad-mouthing you on a website... is none of my fucking concern!" "I think it is." "We had a deal with you for likeness rights." "We're the artistic basis and the character basis... for your intellectual property." "When it was optioned by Miramax... you were obliged to secure our permission... to take the concept to another medium." "As you failed to do that... you are in breach of contract." "You find yourself... in a very actionable position." "You'll ruin my movie career." "We want something for our mental anguish." "We'll settle this monetarily." "Half of what I make." "Half?" "Half's not enough?" "Fine, two thirds." "You already said half." "You can't take it back." "Done." "Your shit is so tired." "Call me Boo-Boo-Kitty-fuck, Bitch!" "Hello?" "Truce?" "I killed them." "I am an excellent marksman." "C'mon, guys, it's over." "Are you alright, Boo-Kitty-fuck?" "I was about to jump in and get your back." "The cops!" "We gotta get out of here." "I'm tired of running." "Marshall, are you awake?" "My God!" "I'm paralyzed." "That monkey shot me in the ass." "Oh, sweet irony!" "It was just a tranquilizer." "Tranqued by a monkey." "My friends in the Bureau won't let me hear the end of this." "You have friends in the fbi?" "They made it, I failed the exam." "Why do you think I became a Federal Marshall?" "Because I'm a joke!" "Maybe not." "I'll get you into the fbi... regardless of test scores." "What kind of deal?" "Get the charges dropped against us... and forget the ape." "I will give you the diamonds... and turn us all in." "I want... a reduced sentence." "You'd do that?" "For him, I'd do anything." "I'm a jewel thief facing a jail sentence." "I'm a junkie with a monkey." "Will you wait for me?" "Will you fuck me when you get out?" "Will we fuck when you get out?" "Snoogens." "There's a lot of love in the room." "Regardless of what you heard, I do not kiss guys." "Okay." "Play it cool, hotshot." "Sorry, we have to go." "Stop stealing monkeys." "Fuck you!" "Fair enough." "Wait for me." "Here?" "Well, boys, you're rich, in love..." "You're in love." "You've got your own monkey." "What more could 2 guys from Jersey want?" "No fucks talking about us on the lnternet." "There's not much you can do to stop that." "Short of showing up and beating the shit out of them." "The money we're making buys a lot of plane tickets." "Did you write "Fuck Jay and Silent Bob"?" ""Fuck them in their stupid asses"?" "Yeah, a while ago." "So?" "Did you say Jay and Silent Bob are..." ""fucking clown shoes." "If they were real..." "I'd kick the shit out of them."" "Yeah." "Really?" "That's right." "Right." "That's right." "That's beautiful, man." "worse than "Clash Of The Titans"." "I can't believe Judy Dench played me." "Remind me to renew that restraint." "I'll blast that flick on the lnternet." "Why can't Hollywood make a decent comic book movie?" "Tell 'em, Steve-Dave." "Stop saying that." "Another paean to male adolescence refusing to grow up." "It was better than Mall Rats." "Holden had the sense to keep his name off of it." "Why wouldn't Miramax option his other comic?" "The one with you, him and your relationship." ""Chasing Amy"?" "It would never work as a movie." "I'm fucking embarrassed." "They took your characters... and turned them into a long gay joke." "Like watching Batman and Robin." "That's a lot from the guy who pretends to be "Shaft"... as opposed to taking shaft." "I don't hear you complaining." "I don't get to the movies much, but..." "Bluntman was blunt-tastic." "Are these leg cuffs necessary?" "Don't make me shoot you." "The party's across the street with the greatest band in the world." "Morris Day and the Time." "I... been watching you." "I think I want to know you." "I said I..." "I'm a little dangerous." "I'd love to show you... myjungle love." "I'd be like: "You don't know Jay and Silent Bob... the mack-daddies of fuckin' Jersey"?" ""l read on the lnternet that you guys... are little fuck-holes!"" "I got a bearskinned rug." "I got a fireplace." "I can't hearyou." "We're all the way live in L.A." "The things I could do to you."