"(PERSON COUGHING)" "RABBI:" "For the sin we have committed by gluttony." "And for the sin we have committed by succumbing to despair." "For the sin we have committed by stubbornness." "And for the sin we have committed by rashly judging others." "(WHISPERING) Sweetheart, do you see that guy in the corner with the dark hair and the blue yarmulke?" "Absolutely gorgeous." "That's Ben Feldman, MA, J.P. Morgan." " (LOUDLY) He has no chin!" " Mother, be quiet." " Shh!" " He recently separated from his wife." "Some shikseh from Idaho." "GRANDMA ESTHER:" "She could do better." "She could!" " You could do better." " Mother." "Mother, would you stop feeding her perfectionism?" "You did the same thing with Larry." " I didn't like him either." " What's not to like?" "The man was a prince." " I didn't care for him." " What do you mean?" " He wasn't the one, okay?" " Oy, the one." "He had no sex appeal." "Mother, sha!" "He's right over there." "Marriage is the hardest thing we do." "She is 28 years old." "She hasn't dated in a year." "I'm afraid she'll be alone forever..." "Mom, would you shut up?" "I'm atoning!" "(SINGING) Gray clouds are gonna clear up" "Put on a happy face" "Brush off the clouds and cheer up" "Put on a happy face" "Take off the gloomy mask of tragedy" "It's not your style" "You look so good that you'll be glad" "You decided to smile" "Pick out a pleasant outlook" "Stick out that noble chin" "Wipe off that full-of-doubt look" "Slap on a happy grin" "And spread sunshine" "All over the place" "Just put on a happy face" "Spread sunshine" "All over the place" "Just put on a happy face" "Gray clouds are gonna clear up" "With sunshine all over the place" "If you'll put on" "A happy face" "Gray clouds are gonna clear up" "With sunshine all over the place" "If you'll put on" "A happy face" "Peter, I'm telling you, trust me on this one." " It means "speechless, without words."" " I think "unimpressed."" " No, "speechless, perplexed."" " Are you sure on this?" " I'm sure." "Everybody gets this wrong." " I'm almost positive here." " Howard, define "nonplussed." - "Speechless, perplexed."" "Thank you, Howard." " And Howard, that cellist with the thing?" " Two umlauts." "Both "U"s." "Right, right, right." "Oh, my God!" "Hi!" " Hi." "Thank you." " Congratulations." " Okay, you're glowing." "Are you thrilled?" " Let's see." "I can't drink, smoke or eat sushi for nine months." " Honestly, I'm panicked." " Oh, my God." "Did you guys celebrate last night?" " It's so exciting." " Yeah." "Oh, God." "Matthew's so excited." " Meyers, I gotta talk to you." " Hey, Stein." "Chuck, did you get my E-mail?" " Yeah. "Deep-seeded." Who knew?" " Right." "It has nothing to do with seeds." "Refers to how deeply something is set." " Sorry about that, Josh." " Oh, shit!" " No problem." "Don't worry about it." " What is this?" " What did you do to this?" " What is what?" "This profile." "You gutted it." "You totally gutted it." "It was sappy and long-winded." "You practically went down on the guy." "Went down on the guy?" "Okay, you know what, Meyers?" "This is one of the great directors of our time." "I think he merits a little praise in the lead." " It's an article, Stein, not a puff piece." " It's a tribute." "This is an artist." "We can't afford an adjective for him?" "(PHONE RINGING)" "Not one?" "I think it was a really good piece." "It was well written," " it was clear, it had heart..." " Stein?" " Stein?" "Your phone is ringing." " Yeah?" "What?" "(RINGING CONTINUES)" "Your phone is ringing." " Jessica Stein." " DANNY:" "Hey, Jessie!" "Oh!" "Hey, Danny." "I'm sorry." " I got some news." " Are you okay?" "Yeah, yeah, I'm fine." "I just..." "You can't tell Mom and Dad yet, okay?" " Yeah, okay." " Are you sitting down?" "Uh-huh." "I proposed to Rach!" "I'm getting married!" "Wow!" "Wow." "(HORNS HONKING)" "JESSICA: "It is not inertia alone" ""that is responsible for human relationships repeating themselves" ""from case to case," ""indescribably monotonous and unrenewed." ""It is shyness before any sort of new, unforeseeable experience" ""with which one does not think oneself able to cope." ""But only someone who is ready for everything," ""who excludes nothing," ""not even the most unenigmatical," ""will live the relation to another as something alive."" "God, this is great." "This is great." "I am so glad that you asked me to do this." "I mean, it was so bold of you to come up to me at the gym." "I mean, I thought I'd finally give it a shot." "Sometimes, you seem so focused on your workout," " I wasn't sure if you'd talk to me." " Oh, no." "That's just the whole gestalt of the gym thing." "I mean, it's so narcissistic and shallow." "I think we all try to maintain a certain anonymity while we're there." "No, I have to disagree with you there." "I really love working out." "I mean, granted, it is a little narcissistic, as you say, but I really get a high, you know, from all those "endorphmins" pumping and all." "So, um, you're a writer." "That's..." "That's amazing." " Hi." "Hi." " Hey!" "Hey!" " I'm sorry I'm so late." " No, you're right on time." " What?" "I'm an hour late." " No, no." "You are right on time." "Hey, "tarbender," the lady'll have a..." "I will have a frozen strawberry margarita with salt, please." "Well, I see great minds think alike." "Uh, we split the salad." "But I think, as I recall, you ate a little bit more, including more of the arugula, which is one of the more expensive greens." "I didn't have any of the goat cheese." "I'm allergic." "No dessert." "Easy enough." "That leaves your portion at $42.73, and mine at $18.14." "Beautiful." "Perfect." "You have exact change?" "It's so funny, Jessica." "But I go out with a lot of girls." "A lot." "And I just..." "I don't know." "I just feel so..." "So comfortable with you, so at home, so free to be myself." "Normally, I'm a pretty "self-defecating" guy." "Let me tell you something." "You're "phat."" "I'd love to see you twirl in that dress." " With a P-H." " Twirl." "Oh, okay. (STAMMERING)" " As it were, per se." " I like the way your hair..." "Uh... goes around your head like that." " You know what I mean?" " You know?" "You know?" " Whoops!" "I spilled some." " What's not to get?" "I think we're connecting, and I'd like to represent you as your accountant and your boyfriend, if that's..." "That's at all possible." "Okay, the New Yorker loves us." "The reviewer is creaming in her pants." " So exhale, please." "Okay?" " Okay." "His back has been like solid concrete all night." "Your boyfriend has on his serial killer face again." "He's scaring some of the guests." "He's been a little needy lately." "I'll talk to him." "Oh, hon." "You are late." "I'm sorry." "My cab driver was Ukrainian, and my Slav is only so-so." "So you wanna do something later?" " I'm gonna be at the library later..." " Oh, yeah?" " ..." "In the 16th century archive, nude..." " Mm-hmm." "With a bookmark dangling precariously off of my dick." "So I'll be waiting for you." "Should I bring anything?" "Just your unbelievable body, and a photo I.D. and a library card." " Pickup." " Oh, yeah." "It's right this way, please." "(SINGING) You're so ready now" "The fruit is ripe for takin'" "(GROANS)" "Oh, where have you been?" "I've been waiting for you all day." "They got me mad busy today." " Martin, where's Helen?" " Delivery." "Wait." "I'm still working." "MAN ON PA:" "Sorry, sweetie." "Line one." "Jesus Christ." "Okay." "Got it." "Helen Cooper." "Why are you always doing these things to destroy this relationship?" "We're not in a relationship." "We're in a situation." "You have to stop right now." "Yes, and I'm sure your wife feels the same way." "Listen, I gotta baby-sit this show." "What are you doing later?" "How's 11:00 for you?" "How's right now for you?" "Thanks very much." "WOMAN:" "How does this art make you feel?" "Does it turn you on?" "Does it make you hot?" "Does it scare you?" "Does it minimize you as a man?" " You're really gonna do this?" " I've decided." "You've decided, or was it that article in New York Magazine last month?" " I've decided." " Mm-hmm." "I just think it's time, you know?" " It's the one thing I haven't experienced." " Of course it's time, sweetie." "You go on with your frisky self, and don't let Mr. Fuddy-Duddy piss on your parade." " Thank you." " Mar?" "What is the problem?" "She is trying new things." "Sure." "Today, sexual preference." " Tomorrow, Henna tattoos." " Okay." "So, let's see." "Oscar Wilde is too flip." "Emily Dickinson is too trite." "It has to be just so." "Maybe George Eliot." " Why do I have to have a quote again?" " Well, let's see." "If it's brainy enough, it'll weed out the real unwashed masses." "And if it's well chosen, you come across as someone who understands the plight of your prospective partner, the plight of humanity." "And by couching that understanding in the words of a great writer, you appear sophisticated, but earnest." " Grounded, but hopeful." " Oh, my God!" "Sweetie, you're gonna have more pussy than you know what to do with." " Here, take a look." " Rilke?" "Rilke's very profound." "Here." "So the first thing you wanna do is say, "For friendship or more."" "Wait." "Why?" "Because then you have access to all the bi-curious straight girls." "Straight girls?" "But Bas..." "Trust me." "Virgin flesh?" "Mangia." "Bring that." "Let's go." ""Professional E-E, U-W-S," ""V-G-L, N-S, D-W-M, seeking same."" "What could that mean?" "I'm not really versed in single scene acronyms, so..." " Listen to this one." "This guy used a quote." " That is so cheesy." ""It is not inertia alone that is responsible" ""for human relationships repeating themselves." ""It is shyness before..." Blah, blah, blah, blah." " This one stinks." " MAN:" "Actually, I think it's Freud." "Rilke." "Uh, one of those, I think." "Sorry." "Guess I should read on." ""But only someone..."" "Does he describe himself?" "Esoteric quote man?" "Let's see." "Oh, that's women seeking women." "You know what, guys?" "Um, I really have a lot of work to do." " Would you mind terribly..." " No." "No, no, no." "Thanks." "Sorry." " Jess?" "Charles can make it tonight after all." " Yeah." " So you're gonna get to meet him." " Oh, good." "That would be great." "Thanks." "Hey, Joan, is it okay if I bring a date tonight?" " Sure." "The more, the merrier." " Great." "I'll see you tonight." "(WHISPERING) You invited Josh?" "Ew!" "(PHONE RINGING)" "HELEN ON RECORDING:" "Hey, it's Hel." "Leave it at the beep." "(BEEP)" "WOMAN:" "Hi." "My name's Nan, and I'm calling about your ad." "I'm looking for someone with a big heart, an open mind, and an adventurous spirit." "Also, in the long term, I'm looking for someone to mother a child with me." "Would you be into that?" "(DOOR BELL RINGS)" " Be quiet." "You get it." " Come on." "It'll be adorable." "It's not adorable." "You are totally loving this, aren't you?" "Please." "I'm 160 pounds and I wake up vomiting." "I have to live through someone." " Go." "He's looking." " This is embarrassing." " Okay." "Be quiet." " He's staring." "It's gonna be weird." " Hi." "I'm Charles." " Hi." "Jessica." "(PHONE RINGING)" "Hey, it's Hel." "Leave it at the beep." "WOMAN:" "Hi, Helen." "I'm calling about your ad." "I would really like to meet you as soon as possible, because you sound really special." "And to tell you the truth, I'm hangin' on by a thread here," "(VOICE WAVERING) and I could really use someone special." "So just call me, okay?" "(SINGING) Sky's blue" "You know what I'm feeling You know" "The very sweet sound of your laughter" "(ALL LAUGHING)" "Oh, my God." "Whatever." "I'm so happy to be eating a meal with intelligent people, you have no idea." "That's us?" "I know, right?" "So thank you all for not being freaks or morons or using words incorrectly." "Bless you all." "Tell me about it." "Most people I meet at the salon are totally "malcompetent."" "So, Charles, what about you?" "Have you had a horrible time out there too?" "Oh, uh..." " I don't know." "I do okay." " Yeah?" "Actually, I just met somebody pretty special." "Her name's Michelle." "And it's early, but..." " I don't know." "It feels right." " Charles." "I thought you were single." "Didn't you tell me that, honey?" "Uh, I thought so." "I'm sorry." "Is this supposed to be a setup?" "JESSICA:" "No, no." "No way." "Not a setup." "Just a friendly dinner." " Absolutely." "Just a group of friends." " Yes." "Matthew and I just like to have our friends know each other." "Well, you know, Jessica, don't worry about it." "I mean, it's..." "We've all been through it." "It's just a jungle out there." "Yeah, especially for Stein." "I mean, she always has trouble meeting people who are good enough for her." "Yeah." "God, I wish I had your luck, Josh." "I see you have no trouble meeting people of your caliber." "You know, Stein, why don't you cut yourself a break?" "It's obviously not the time to be meeting someone anyway." " Really?" "What?" "Not the season?" " No." "It's just because you're clearly not open to it." "(LAUGHS)" "Excuse me?" "I'm sorry." "How would you know?" "Well, I do have a little history to draw from." "But even if I didn't, you've known Charles here for about an hour, and in that time, you've insulted and dismissed a panoply of men based on factors as reductive as a linguistic misstep," "a different view from yours on going Dutch, a kind reaction to your legendary lateness, and a genuine interest in yoga." "You know, I think it was Anais Nin who said," ""We don't see things as they are." ""We see things as we are."" "Generally, I'm not much of a Nin fan, but I do feel that bit sums you up to a Stein." "So I don't think the problem's with these poor men, these freaks and morons, as you put it." "I think the problem is with you." "Jessica?" "Jessica?" "I..." " Hi." "I was just looking for you." " Hi." " Helen." "Hi." " Right." "Hi." " Good to meet you." " I'm sorry I'm so late." " I'm always late." " Don't worry about it." "Come sit." "I hope you didn't wait long." "No." "Well, I was just starting to get worried" " that maybe you weren't gonna show at all." " Yeah." "Yeah." "Um..." "Helen, right?" "You know, gosh." "I should've said this on the phone and I didn't, and..." "I'm sorry that I didn't, but you should really know that this isn't me." " It isn't?" " Not at all." "I'm sorry." "Taxi!" "(GROANS)" " Shit!" " Which part of it isn't you?" "Oh, uh, all of it." "So why did you..." "Yeah, you know what?" "The truth is," "I've been trying to be a little less me lately, and that's why this." "But, really, I'm still me, see?" "I see." "Well, look." "We don't have to do a whole big..." "We could just get a drink." " Yeah, I don't think so." "Taxi!" " Oh, come on." "You don't wanna go to your dinner so frazzled." "My..." "Oh, my dinner." "Right." "Right." "Yeah, I think a little red wine would really help to, you know..." "Look, you seem really nice." "I just..." "I made a mistake." "I have to go." "Oh!" "Oh, my..." "Oh, my God." "I'm sorry." " Oh, God." "I..." "You know what?" " Don't be silly." " I..." " Let me help you." "I missed my yoga class this morning, and I'm not my usual centered self." "Do you do..." "Do you do yoga regularly?" " Is that something..." " Yeah, yeah." "Every day, actually." "I find it keeps me really strong and energized, and usually graceful." "Right." "I've heard that." " Have you never tried it?" " Oh, no, no, no." "I don't think I could sit still and breathe for long." " I'd panic." " So what do you like to do for exercise?" "Oh, um, I like basic exercise." "I like to run or walk." "Just keep moving, you know?" "I feel like as long as I'm moving, I'm safe." " What do you do when you're sleeping?" " I'm a terrible insomniac." "I'm so sorry." "Since when?" "I don't know." "Birth." "Well, listen, if you ever change your mind and wanna try a class," " I'd be happy to..." " Yeah, I don't think so." "Well, don't decide right now." "Just let it marinate for a while." "Um..." "Okay." "I will let it "marinate."" "(LAUGHING) I am never gonna get a cab." "Maybe just one drink." "Okay, just..." "I have, like, 20 minutes." "Well, wait, wait." "This Larry, that must've been pretty serious," " if he proposed?" " No, no." "I mean..." "No, it was." " It was." " Well, what happened?" "I... it wasn't right." "He just wasn't funny, you know?" " Bummer." " I think that's been my big thing." "Not smart or not funny, or not smart and not funny." "Or smart, but funny in a totally unappealing way." "You know?" "Just like funny/stupid, or funny/dopey, but not funny/witty or funny/ironic or funny/goofy, you know?" "Or they seem smart, and then you realize that they aren't at all." "And that's funny, but funny/tragic." "Hmm." "So anyway, if you're then lucky enough to find someone who's the good kind of smart and the good kind of funny, then generally they're just kind of..." " Ugly." " Ugly." "Ugly." "I'm sorry." " Yes, a little." "Is that..." "That's awful, right?" " No." "Ugly doesn't do it for you." "That's okay." " Me, I'm kind of into ugly." " What?" "As long as it's sexy-ugly." "Sexy-ugly?" "I..." "Define." "Well, you can't." "It just is, you know?" "Sexy-ugly." "Okay, well, could you..." "Could you give me a celebrity" " who would fall into the category?" " Yeah." "Hold on a second." "I'll get you one." "Angelica Huston?" " Is that kind of the right idea?" " Yeah, I guess." "I was gonna say Mick Jagger." "He's the big one." "Lyle Lovett, James Woods, Harvey Keitel." "Very sexy-ugly." " Oh." " Yeah." "So, uh..." "So you're not..." "I mean, you've-you've tried..." "You've dated men." " Of course." " Oh, good!" " What?" " Good." "I'm..." "No, I'm relieved." "I just..." "I assumed that you had..." "Oh, I have, also." "Yeah, I..." "I just find a lot of different things sexy." "Oh." "I don't." "So, should we settle the tab?" " What?" " Yeah, it's 8:10." "Don't you have a..." " Oh, uh, no." " You don't?" " No." "I lied." " But I thought..." "I know a great Indian place." " JESSICA:" "Helen?" "Can I ask you a question?" " Yeah?" " Sure." " What color lipstick are you wearing?" "HELEN:" "Well, it's three different kinds." "I blend." " Really?" " Yeah." " Really?" "Wow." " Would you like to know the..." "Would you feel comfortable?" " No, of course." " Is that something..." "I'd love to share." "I start with Mac Viva Glam Ill," " which is a great base." " Right." "And then I add Prescriptive's Poodle on top." "I love Prescriptive's." " Isn't it the best?" " It has the best texture." "The moisture and the spray." "And then I finish with Philosophy Supernatural Nude, which is more of a..." " Of a glossy kind of thing?" " Exactly." "For the shine." "Right." "Right." "Wow." " That's it." " Wow." "Well, it looks just beautiful on you." "Oh, thank you." "Hey, you should try it yourself." "It would look gorgeous on your complexion." "Oh, thank you." "But..." "Yeah, the blending thing is a little labor-intensive for me, you know?" "I'm kind of looking for that one." "Well, you'll never find it." "I'm telling you, blend." " JESSICA:" "All right, so tell me again." " HELEN:" "Okay." " JESSICA:" "Roland, Steven and Craig..." " Greg." "JESSICA:" "Greg." "Right, okay." "And..." "Do you have a favorite?" "No, not particularly." "Well, does one of them get more time than everyone else?" " Or, you know, a favorite one?" " No." "I mean, basically, I call Roland when I'm hungry," "Steven when I'm bored, and Greg when I'm horny." " Who do you call when you're sick?" " I don't get sick." "Good system." "That's crazy!" "Who doesn't do E-mail?" "I hate computers." "I object to them." " But you must use them at the office." " Yes." "At work I'm forced to, but never at home." "I mean, even at the office I don't send E-mails." "I just receive them." "But..." "But..." "What?" "Have you discussed this with your therapist?" "Oh, no." " There's too much on the agenda already." " Like what?" "Um, just the usual." "Older, nothing to show for it, no kids or anything, why am I on the planet?" " (CHANTING IN BACKGROUND)" " Like that." "God, they're so crazy." " No more so than anyone else." " What?" "A little more so, I'd say." " I don't think so." " But they are, objectively." "I think they're, you know, just doing their thing." "They don't do anything." "They play the tambourine all day and ask people for money." " They have no goals." " I think they have a pretty lofty goal." "Really?" "What?" "New robes?" " Spiritual enlightenment, happiness." " Come on." " They're weird." "Look at them." " They're happy." " They're happy." " What?" "Some people smoke pot." "Some people bungee jump." "Some people chant." " What do you do to be happy?" " Nothing." "I'm not." "Wait, wait, wait." "I have a job." "I mean, I'm accomplishing something in the world." "Oh, really?" "What are you accomplishing?" "I'm bringing the news to people." "You know, information?" "I'm being a grown-up." "I'm not just out for me and my enlightenment." "What they do is selfish." "Selfish?" "They are dealing with their stuff and the energy they put out to the universe." "That's a lot more valuable than being miserable all the time." "Wait a second." "I'm sorry." "Are you saying that my life has no value?" "No!" "I am saying that maybe underneath all the neurosis, you have a profound capacity for happiness that you're not allowing to exist." " How do you know?" "You just met me." " You can't possibly know who you are or how you'll respond to something until you try it." "I happen to disagree." "I happen to think if you know yourself well, you can gauge how you're gonna react to something." "And I can pretty much assure you that I will never be made happy by chanting for spiritual enlightenment." " Or maybe you would." "You can't know." " Trust me." "I know." " You know?" " Yeah, I know." " You know how you'll react to everything?" " Pretty much, yes." "I guess you're right." "You seem to know yourself pretty well." "Come on." "Since when does she care about what I think?" "Josh, she left before dessert." "I think she was a little upset." "Well, did you talk to her over the weekend?" "I left her three messages." "She didn't return any of my calls." "I think she's devastated." "Hey, you guys!" "I brought doughnuts." "(JESSICA HUMMING)" "Look, Stein, you know, I just wanna apologize for what I said on Friday night." "Oh, hey, no problem." "You had an opinion and you expressed it." " Maybe you were right." " No, I mean, really." "I mean, who am I to..." "What did you say?" "I said, maybe you were right." "Right." "Glad there are no hard feelings." " Yeah." "Hey, Josh?" " Yeah." "Do you ever use "marinate" as a verb?" "I mean, no, not as a verb." "As a verb in other arenas than food preparation?" " What do you mean?" "Like, "To sit with"?" " Right, right, right." "To sit with something." "To let something marinate." " No." " Oh." "I love it." "(JESSICA CONTINUES HUMMING)" "You know what?" "Don't worry about it." "(DOOR BUZZING)" " Hi." " Hi." " Hi." "Come in, please." " Hi." " Thank you." " Hi." " Hi." " Wow." " You look great." " No, thank you." "No." "You-You do." "I'm a mess, actually." " Those shoes are gorgeous." " Oh, thanks for noticing." " Are they Nine West?" " No, Kenneth Cole." " You're kidding!" " No." "Well, they're very sexy." "They suit you." "Uh, can we cut to the chase for a sec?" "Just get the hard topics out of the way." "Sure." "What's on your mind?" "Well, it's just that whenever I've thought about lesbianism in the past," "I've always said, "Ew," you know?" "Just, "Ew." "Can't go there." "Can't get excited."" " I mean, what would we do?" "You know?" " Right, right." " I mean, this is your big issue." " Right, right." "But I had such a wonderful time with you the other night." " Me too." " I really did." "And I've been marinating on things." "And, um..." "Anyway..." "I have taken the liberty of getting some informational materials on the topic," " and I wondered if I might..." " Of course." "Okay, okay." "Well..." "This one leaflet was particularly intriguing to me," "Lesbian Sex:" "Hot, Safe and Sane." " Do you know it?" " Uh, no." "But please, share." " I'd love to see it." " Okay." "Well, I was surprised to learn that lesbians accessorize." "I didn't know that." "So, for example, on page 11, I dogeared it, they show some of the higher-tech lesbian accoutrement." "Wow." " Wow." " Yeah." "So, gosh, how would this work?" "Well, I think I would just strap that on and..." "Oh, no, no, no." "That's not fair." "We should certainly trade off and share the load in terms of giving and receiving." "But that doesn't address the actual gross-out factor, if you will." "No offense." "No offense." " No, none taken." " Okay, 'cause, I mean, look at you." "Who wouldn't wanna have sex with you, right?" "I mean, do you." "But..." "Look, Jess, let's not put the cart before the horse here with all the high-tech stuff, you know, 'cause we don't need any of that." "We don't?" "I myself have always preferred the standard, organic, old-fashioned way." "Right." "You're right." "So that'd be just..." " Thank you." " Well, it's basically the same as with a man, except minus one thing, you know?" "Right, right." "Yes, well, right." "And let's face it, it's the other stuff that works for women anyway, right?" "Yes, well, that is, um..." "That is true." "Cheers." "Nice place." "Thanks." "MAN ON STEREO: (SINGING) It feels so good" " Is that Barry White?" " No." "Oh, what a groove" " I'm gonna have to go slow, okay?" " Oh, okay." " Whatever you need." " Okay, great." " Okay." "It's okay." " Sorry." "My hands just won't keep still" "I love you, baby" " Is this with tongue?" " Uh..." "I think we should just play it by ear." " Just see how it goes." " Okay." " Okay." " Okay, great." "Great. (CLEARS THROAT)" "WOMAN ON STEREO: (SINGING) You got a blue eye" "It's deeper than any blue" "As for the green one" " Is that too much?" " Sorry." " Just a bit." "Sorry." " Okay, sorry." " But it was good up until then, right?" " Yeah." " Oh, my God!" "Please don't do that." " That was just your stomach." "I know." "I can't do that ever, really." " Even with a man." " Oh." "Wow." "Okay." "Okay." " Maybe let's just..." " Okay." "That was really good!" "I thought that was, you know, the best one ever." "Me too." "Definitely." "Oh, those crazy eyes" "So, I figure if we keep going like this, we'll get there in, like, two weeks or so." "Yeah, sure." " There's no real rush." " Are you sure?" " Yeah, sure." "Not at all." " But you'd really..." " How about ten days?" " Ten days is better." "Okay, good." "What does your therapist say about all this?" " I could never tell my therapist." " Why not?" "Because it's private." "It's not working out." " I thought you said you really liked her." " I did." " I do." "It's just not working out." " Why not?" " Because she's a cock tease!" " Oh, my." "I mean, a tease." " A poon tease." " Right." "Right." "And she's nervous and neurotic and straight and not that into it, and I don't have time." "I took out an ad, for Christ's sake, and I end up with the Jewish Sandra Dee." "What are the odds?" "Who do you have to blow to get some pussy around here?" " You know, enough is enough." " On to the next." " Onwards and upwards." " Right, right." "(PHONE RINGING)" "Plus, she doesn't even get it." "She thinks it's going great." "Schuller Gallery." "Hi." "Hi." "How are you?" "Yeah..." "No, that's fine." "Why would I mind?" "No, 8:00 is perfect." "Okay, I'll see you there." "Bye." "Is she 12?" "(GASPS)" "You a little jumpy today, Stein?" " No." " You got a hot date." " No." " Yeah." "Who's the guy?" " There is no guy." " Come on." "You're a terrible, terrible liar." "Trust me." "There is no guy." "(SINGING) When the special girlfriend" "Meets a special girlfriend" "For a little shopping" "Shop-to-shop they're hopping Shopping without stopping" "There's no greater pleasure" "Than to shop together" "And the special girlfriend tells the special girlfriend" "You're my special girlfriend" "Oh, you're my favorite girlfriend" "My sweet and pretty girlfriend" "I trust you, my girlfriend" "To keep our secrets girlfriend" " When the special girlfriend - (INAUDIBLE)" "Meets a special girlfriend" "With great tenderness she'll tell her friend she's special" "Oh, my special Oh, my special girlfriend" "So, what does my special girlfriend say about that?" "Well, I can only tell you one thing" "If I didn't have you, we'd get on so well" " We'd get on so awfully well" " How well we'd get on together" "Sorry." "WOMAN ONSCREEN:" "Please take me with you." "I'm strong." "I can stand anything you can." "It's too much for a woman." "Too much for a woman?" "Put your arms around me, Tom." "We should've seen Gimmie Shelter." "I know, I know." "What were we thinking?" "Look, are you sure you don't mind?" "My office is really close." "It'll only take a second." "What?" "Guy on stoop." "Oh, my God." "Oh, my God." "Wow." "I get it." " Sexy-ugly." " I still could never." "It's part of my reading series." " Shit." "Shit." "What is he doing here?" " Who?" "Nobody." "My boss." "Come on." "Shh." "Right over here." "Hey, Stein." "I just can't keep you out of here, can I?" "(JESSICA LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)" "Hi." " I'm Josh Meyers." " Helen Cooper." "We're just..." "Friends from the gym." "Stein has the pleasure of working for me." "So you must be that "complete asshole" she's always talking about?" "(ALL LAUGHING)" "Don't mind her." "She's just working out some residual anger from college." " You guys went to college together?" " No." "He went with my brother." "I was a freshman when they were seniors." " We dated for a year." " HELEN:" "Really?" "Mm-hmm." "So, what happened?" "Well, she didn't think I was living up to my potential." "Which was what?" "She thought I was gonna be the next Hemingway." "Whatever." "He was an extremely talented writer." "Now he's a professional "I" dotter and "T" crosser." "Let's just get..." "We thought Stein was gonna be the next Georgia O'Keefe, but she's actually turned out to be a pretty good "T" crosser herself." " Okay, a pleasure as always, Josh." " You paint?" "I had no idea." "I'm really a hack." "I don't at all." "We can go." "I just gotta get this one thing." "Listen, can I just use the bathroom?" "Oh, yeah." "I'm sorry." "It's, through that door, and it's right at the elevator, left at the water fountain." "It's left at the water fountain." "JESSICA:" "But it's not..." "There's no..." "It's not, "You will be wise." ""You will gain great wisdom through some life-altering event."" "It's simply, "You are..." What does yours say?" " "Home is where the heart lies."" " Okay, you got an adage." " Well, so what?" "I like adages." " You got an adage." "The whole notion of the fortune cookie is a sham." "I mean, when does anyone..." "Excuse me?" "When does anyone get a fortune?" " I'd like to know." " It's all right." "I'm sorry." "There are no fortunes being dispensed here." " I mean, it's a misnomer..." " Hey, hey." "Sorry to interrupt this big debate here, but me and my friends over at the bar have a little pool going." "Basically, we wanna determine which one of you is more beautiful." " Oh, right." " Who won?" "You see, that's the thing." "We're sittin' over there scratching our heads," " 'cause it's close, you know?" " Right." "We thought we'd come over here and buy you some drinks, do some research." " I think we're fine, thanks." " No, please join us." "We would love that." "What?" "Because we were just trying to settle an argument too." " Really?" "What about?" " Well..." " No, it's kind of weird." " Come on." "Tell us." "Okay." "We were just wondering whether a woman who's only been with men could ever be sexually attracted to a woman?" "What do you think?" "Do you think she could?" "Well, hey, I think she could." "Definitely." " If she couldn't, she should." " God!" " What is that about?" " What?" "What is that male obsession with lesbian sex about?" "I don't get it." "You know what?" "You don't have to answer that." "Oh, come on!" " It's just sexy, right?" " Yeah." "It's kind of hard to describe." "I mean, a woman alone is sexy, God bless." "But two women together is like..." "It's like..." " Double sexy." " Right." " Double sexy?" "Wow." " Yeah." "Wow." "That's nicely put." "Yeah, that, really is nicely put." "But tell us exactly, exactly what is it about two women together" " that you find so exciting?" " Yeah." "Come on." "You know, their whole..." "Their whole thing, you know?" "Like, the way they touch." "Really?" "How do they touch?" "You know, when they..." "Well, a woman is soft, so when they touch each other, it's, like, they're soft." "Women really know how to touch." "But what would they do, I wonder?" "Who cares what they'd do!" "Just two women's bodies together is just hot!" "Their hips, their legs, their belly buttons." "I mean, it's all good." "MAN 1:" "And obviously, two women together would know how to..." "MAN 2:" "They know how everything works in there." " Like how what works?" " (GASPS)" " Jess, what's the matter?" " Nothing." "Nothing." "It's just I have a slight leg cramp." "You really should get that looked at." " Yeah." "Yeah." "Thank you for the concern." " No problem." "You know what, guys?" "I think we really, really have to get going." " Oh, no!" " Can't we get you a drink or something?" "No, no." "You know what?" "I'm a little worried about Jessica's leg." " Yeah." " And I really think I should get her into bed." "Well, it was nice meeting you." " Take care." " Bye." "You see?" "That's the thing about women." "They really know how to take care of each other." "(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)" " (DOOR BUZZES)" " Oh!" "Come on!" "Shit!" "Oh, my God." "Are you expecting somebody?" " No!" " Fuck." "Greg!" "Oh, my God." "What are you doing?" "I know you ain't been trying to avoid me and shit." "No, no." "Hi." "Hi." "I'm Jessica." "I'm Greg." "How you doin'?" "I'm sorry." "I didn't..." "Oh, no, no." "No, no, no." "I was just going." " No, wait!" "No, you're not." " Yes, yes, yes, I was." "We just saw a movie, Greg, and I was just gonna use Helen's bathroom because the line in the theater was so long." "But I just did, so I'm good." "And now I'm gonna get going, so you guys should carry on." "Wait, wait." "Jess, you, um, forgot that juicer you wanted to borrow." " So I'll just get it for you." "Excuse us." " What?" "No, no, I..." "What are you doing?" "We were finally getting somewhere." "I know." "I felt it too." "But what if I couldn't get that back?" "What?" "Look, maybe we bit off more than we can chew here." " No." " I mean, you have needs." "I get it." "He's really hot." "I think you should go for it." "I think you should just..." "No, no." "Stop talking." "Stop talking." "I want him to leave and I want you to stay, okay?" " So I'm gonna go get rid of him right now." " No, no, no." "Wait, wait, wait." "Look, what if he leaves and then I chicken out again, and you don't get any and I'm wracked with guilt?" "Helen, he's a sure thing and I'm not, okay?" "So just have fun." "I adore you." "We'll try again tomorrow." " Really nice to meet you, Greg." "Bye." " Yeah." "(SNEEZES)" "(SINGING) Love makes me treat you" "In the way that I do" "And gee, baby Ain't I good to you" "There's nothing in this world too good for a girl" "So good and true" "Gee, baby Ain't I good to you" "Bought you a fur coat for Christmas" "A diamond ring" "A big Cadillac car" "And everything" "What makes me treat you" "The way that I do" "How's the patient?" "This is so humiliating." "(SHUSHING) It's best not to talk." "Don't talk." "Okay." "You'll talk more for a change." "Ha, ha, ha." "Very funny." "You're getting funny." "That must mean you're feeling better." " Jesus." "What's all this?" " Oh, options." "I'm a big medicator." " Oh, my God." "That's the best thing ever." " Yeah." "Jewish penicillin." "Mmm." "You have to give me the recipe." "But you don't need it." "You don't get sick." "HELEN:" "No." "A queen-size bed is perfect." "No, nothing else." "Wait a second." "There is something else." "I need a lock and a "Do not disturb" sign." "Yeah, that's it." "Stein, can I just talk to you for a second?" " No, I can't talk to you." "I'm late." " No, really." " I gotta go." "I gotta go." "Sorry." " Okay." "I just wanted to talk for a second." " Have a good weekend, sweetie." " You too, sweetie." "She is so seeing somebody." "(PHONE RINGING)" " Jessica Stein's desk." " Yes, hello." "I'm looking for my daughter." "Excuse me." "To whom am I speaking?" " This is Josh Meyers, Judy." "How are you?" " Joshie!" "Joshie!" "I haven't spoken to you in ages." "Yeah, I know." "It's been a long time." "How are you?" "How am I?" "I'm fantastic." "I'm just, you know, excited about the wedding." " The what?" " The wedding." "Didn't Jessie tell you?" "Uh..." "No." "No, she didn't." "Daniel is getting married." "Oh. (SIGHS WITH RELIEF)" "Danny." "Well, that's wonderful." "Mazeltov." "Thank you." "I can't believe that Jessie didn't tell you." "You're invited, of course." "Not to worry." "That's sweet of you, Judy." "You know..." "How is Danny?" "I haven't really talked to him in a while." "Dan is floating on air." "That's how he is." "As a matter of fact, he's gonna be here in a few minutes." "He's flying in for..." "Wait a minute." "Wait a minute." "You'll join us for Shabbat dinner." "You have plans?" " Oh, my God." "What are you doing here?" " Hi." "Coming to get you." " What?" " Day ten." "I got a hotel." "Yeah." "I..." "You know what?" "I can't." "I have a train to catch." "Shabbat dinner in Scarsdale." " Cancel." "Cancel." " I can't." "My brother's in town." "Yes or no, lady?" "I don't got all day." "I gotta get out of here." "Okay." "You know what?" "You know what?" "Let's just..." "We'll talk in here." "I can't think." " But the hotel's right around the..." " We'll figure it out." "I will get my act sorted out." "What are those pants?" "I'm so borrowing..." "Mom?" "Jessie, I just got off the phone..." " I can't come." "Something's come up." " What?" " No, no." " Don't be silly." "My new friend, Helen, the one I've told you about, she just got last-minute house seats to Cabaret." "And you know I've been dying to go, so what I'm thinking is," " I will come up first thing in the morning..." " No, no." "You are coming tonight, and I will get you tickets for Cabaret next week." "No, Mom, that's impossible." "The run's sold out." "What is she saying?" " Is your friend right there?" "Put her on." " Yes, she's right..." " No." "Mom..." "No, no, no." " Jessica..." " What?" " Just for a minute." "Sweetheart, put her on just for a minute, okay?" " She wants to talk to you." " Yeah." " You swear?" "You swear?" " Yes." "Give it here." " Hello?" " Helen, darling." " It is so wonderful to finally talk to you." " Yes, hello." "I just happen to have a neighbor who's got a son who was a swing in the production, and I know that I can get you the most fantastic seats for Cabaret next week, which would be my pleasure." "Not to mention the fact that the lead, who is this really big deal, is out all this week." "Can you believe that?" "Because he's got these soft nodules on his vocal chords." "So it would be... it would be a damn shame for you to go tonight." "You know what you're gonna do?" "You are gonna join us for Shabbat dinner." "And we can finally meet." "So I am setting a place for you at this table as we speak." "And my husband Sidney is gonna pick you up at the train in an hour." " Okay, darling?" " Um, okay." "What happened?" "Shabbat dinner in Scarsdale." "Shit." "Daniel, darling, you're in your usual seat." "Sidney, Stanley, if you would sit here." "Okay, sweetheart?" "That's right, Helen." "Right there." "Oh, and Jess?" "Would you sit here, please, between Stanley and me?" "Okay, Mom." "Stanley, it's just lovely to have you here." " It's lovely to be here." "Thank you." " The pleasure is ours." "And, of course, Helen." "Oh, my God." "Jessie has told us so much about you." "And it's wonderful that you could make it." "Thank you." "It's lovely to be here." "(DOOR BELL RINGS)" " Wait." "Who could that be?" " Why don't you answer it?" "Meyers!" "What the hell are you doing here?" " I was invited to Shabbat dinner." " By whom?" "By Judy." "(ALL EXCLAIMING)" "There he is!" "There he is!" " How was traffic?" "I figured, I figured." " It was bad." " How do you like that?" " How are you, buddy?" " Good, man." " Good to see you." "Good to see you too." "I think you know everyone here except Stanley." " Stanley, this is Josh Meyers." " Josh." " I didn't get your last name." " Schoenberg." "You don't know Helen, Josh." "This is Helen." "Oh, yeah, hi." "We met the other night." " How are you doing, Helen?" " Good." "So, Helen was just telling us that this is her first Shabbat." "It's okay." "We can raise the kids interfaith." "I'm willing to bend." "Well, I did go to a seder once." "But that's about the extent of my Jewish education." "Well, we'll do our best to represent all Jews everywhere." " Jessie, kiddush." " Oh, yes." "Okay." "(SPEAKING HEBREW)" "Sing, my love." "Sing." "(SINGING IN HEBREW)" "(SINGING IN HEBREW)" " ALL:" "Amen!" " Good Shabbat!" " And another one." " Good Shabbat." " Good Shabbat." " Good Shabbat." "Good Shabbat." "JUDY:" "It does me such good to have all of you at this table, especially my children, my beautiful son, who's a fancy lawyer now, and then my daughter, who's the big deal at the New York Tribune." " I'm a copy editor." " JUDY:" "It's a big deal to me." "Is she not gorgeous, Stan?" "Look at that punam." "Look at that punam." " She is beautiful." " Please!" "So Helen, Jessica tells us you own an art gallery?" "HELEN:" "Jessica leans toward hyperbole." "I'm the assistant director at the Schuller Gallery in Chelsea." " What kind of work do you show there?" " Contemporary abstracts, right?" " Yeah." " Yeah," "I saw Diana Tompkins' exhibit last month." "And Stanley is the vice president of new software development" " for I.B.M." " Yeah." "So if you need a great deal on a new P.C., just let me know." "I'm your man." "BOTH:" "Jessica hates computers." "Oh." " I'm sorry." " JESSICA:" "No, no, no." "That's okay." "That's fine." "I just, um..." "I just feel like they're numbing and obscuring our humanity, you know." "Angel, could you help me in the kitchen, please?" " Sure, Mom." " Thanks." "We'll be right back." " She likes to provoke." " Oh, no." "I understand." "I like that." "He's adorable, he is bright, and what's more, he is your father's partner's nephew, so you be nice." " I don't wanna..." "I don't wanna be nice." " (SHUSHING)" "And for the record, all of your setups have been disastrous." " Disastrous?" " Yes, they have." "How was I to know Eric Birnbaum was in rehab?" "God." "Wan, pale, track marks?" "I don't know." " I thought he had diabetes." " Jesus Christ." " Can I help with anything?" " Yes, you can make my daughter a little less stubborn and a lot less picky!" " Tall order." " Thanks." "Let me ask you something, Helen." "Isn't Stanley gorgeous?" "Oh, yeah." "He's a handsome guy, Jess." "Wouldn't he make a great match?" "He would be a great match, wouldn't he?" "I think it's a very good match." "And you know what?" "I think Jess really likes him." "Yes, yes, clearly." "I'm smitten." "Great." "It's not happening." "It's not happening, Mom." "Breathe, Judy, breathe." "What about you, Helen?" "How do you like Josh?" "Oh, um..." "He's great," " but my plate's a little full right now." " I can imagine." "Beautiful girl like you, you probably have men falling all over you left and right." "I do okay." "I just wish that Jessie would meet somebody." "It's been ages since she's met anybody worthwhile." "Is she dating at all?" "I think so." "You know, now and again." "But no one special?" "You know, I just don't know." "Keep me posted, will you?" "Sometimes, Jessie is so secretive with me." " Would you do that for me?" " You know, I'm sure if it's someone really special, she'll tell you." "STANLEY:" "And our platform is compatible with the new camera software." "So soon, your local photo shop will be a thing of the past." "Judy, you hear this?" "They're putting photocopiers in the computers now." " This technology's unbelievable." " JUDY:" "I know." " Stanley's a genius." " Well, I didn't actually invent the thing..." "You're a genius." "Potatoes?" "So, Helen, what groundbreaking project is on your docket next?" "Well, actually, I'm curating a show this summer for new artists." "New artists?" "Well, Jessie's work should be in that." " Mom..." " Have you seen her stuff?" "I haven't." "Isn't that funny?" " She is marvelous." " Mom..." "That's her painting over there." "She was the rage at Brown." " Jess, that's really good." " Yeah, don't bother." "She won't listen." "(THUNDER RUMBLING)" "(ALL CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)" "All right, it's settled." "No one's leaving." "The rain's terrible." "We've got warm beds." "Everyone stays." "Genug." "Enough said." "I hope you girls don't mind sharing." "No problem." "We'll be okay." " Right, Jess?" " Yes." "Um, yeah." "We'll be fine, Mom." "You sure it's big enough?" " I think we'll just fit." "Good night." " Good night." "(BOTH GIGGLING)" " Stop it!" " You stop." " Kids." "Good night, Stanley." " STANLEY:" "Good night." "Poor Stanley." "Didn't know what he was getting into, huh?" " Those Stein women are tough to please." " Yeah." "It'd take a better man than me, clearly." "Well..." "So how's your writing coming?" "Oh, you know." "Not." "What do you mean?" "I decided that I didn't really wanna be a writer anymore." "I'm much happier tearing down the work of other writers who are not as talented as I am, but also not as paralyzed." "Any artistic frustration I have now I just take out on them." "(SNIGGERING) Damn, man." "You got dark." "(SIGHS)" "I know." "This is so weird." "In a month of such normalcy." "(enemas)" "Shh." "We must be very quiet." "(BOTH LAUGHING)" "(CLEARS THROAT)" "Jesus Christ." "I feel like we're gonna be grounded or something." " HELEN:" "Wait, Jess." "What are you..." " JESSICA:" "Stop talking." "It's day ten." "(KISSING NOISES)" "(YAWNS)" "Fuck." "There's nothin' fucking on." "(TURNS OFF TV)" "Jesus." "I was supposed to call Rach." " You okay down here, man?" " Yeah." "Your mom left sheets." "Okay." "All right." "Good night." "Yeah, good night." " Jesus." " Can I get some fries with that shake?" "Okay, enough is enough." "You never write." "You never call." "I don't know you anymore." "Are we breaking up or are you gonna tell me about him?" " Oh, sweetie, no." "I..." " Okay, we're breaking up." "No, no, no, no." "No, um, I..." "Okay." "Yes, I've been seeing someone." "Duh." "I just don't wanna jinx it..." "Oh, I'm sorry." " I don't wanna jinx it by talking about it." " You know what?" "Just jinx it." "Yeah." "Okay, just jinx it." "When do we get to meet him?" "How about brunch on Sunday if my water doesn't break?" "The thing is, we're kind of laying low this weekend, he and I." "But..." "But maybe next week." " Not maybe, definitely." " Okay." "Definitely." "Knock, knock." " Hi." " Hi." "Is everything okay?" "Yeah, why?" "You just..." "You don't seem like yourself lately." "Yeah, well, you know." "You don't either." "Oh." "Okay." "Okay." " Hey." "Did you get the wedding invite?" " Yeah." " They're beautiful, right?" " Yeah." " Yeah." "It's great for Danny." " Yeah." " We're excited." " Well, you should be." "Okay." "Well..." "Why can't you be happy for me?" "Because you are an affront to gay people everywhere, and I am a gay people." " Is it so hard to believe that I like her?" " Yes." " Why?" " Because you like the penis." "Because you have had more cock than I have, and I was a big whore in the '80s." "I'm sorry, ma'am." "Come on, come on." "This is not something that you can just try on and see if it fits." "I can't just put black shoe polish on my face and join a gospel choir because, I don't know, I don't feel so white no more." " Come on." "That's a terrible analogy." " Why?" "Why is that?" " Because you're born black." " Exactly my point." "Okay, so what do you think?" "It's genius, right?" "Who died?" "Apparently, I'm an affront to the gay community." "Not this again, Martin." " Martin, why do you care who I'm with?" " Yes." "Why do you care?" " She likes this girl." " Straight girl." "Straight girl, gay girl." "What's the difference?" "An orgasm is an orgasm." "If you were blindfolded and I blew you, and then Helen blew you, would you even know the difference?" "I don't know." "That depends." "Does Helen get tired and stop halfway through?" "Okay, too much information." "Guys..." "That happened once, and you were so drunk that you could hardly even..." "Okay." "You know what?" "Look." "The point is, this person Helen's with seems lovely and smart." "And a very talented artist who's gonna be in our show." " Have you met her?" " Well, no." "Why haven't we met her?" "How come you never make noise?" " What?" " When we're having sex." " What?" " Is it not good?" "What?" "No, it's fine." "It's..." "Yeah." "'Cause I can never tell." "You're so quiet." "And, you know, I make noise, so you know what's working." " (COUGHING)" " Whatever you want me to do, I'll do." " So if something's not working..." " You know, it's all fine." "It's all just fine." "Like sometimes when I'm going down on you, it seems like you like it." "But then sometimes it seems like you're annoyed." "Look, Helen..." "You know what?" "It's not really the right time to talk about things." "But it's never the right time, especially at the time, which strikes me as" " exactly the right time." " My God, Jess, what are you doing here?" " Oh, my God, Joan." "Hi." "Hi." "Hi." " Hi." " What are you doing here?" " Shopping, of course." " Hi." " Hi." "Hi." "Joan, this is Helen, a friend of mine." " Hi, nice to meet you." " Hi." "This is Joan, a friend of mine." "What are you doing below 14th street?" "I thought you were laying low." "Yes, I was." "I..." "We were." "And then my friend Helen here actually volunteers for this homeless thing." "And, she..." "I had promised to help her make brownies today." "And so we're getting ingredients to make the brownies." "You must make a pretty good brownie." "Lesbians?" "Jesus Christ, I couldn't think of one thing to say." " I couldn't think of anything else." " I don't believe this." "I know, I know, I know." "It's crazy, right?" "It's like this surreal episode." "Are you horrified?" "Are you?" "Do you find me disgusting?" "No, no, no, sweetie, no." "God." " Are you sure?" " Oh, my God." "Are you kidding?" " I'm impressed." " You are?" "I can't even get Matthew to use the sex toys I buy." "Oh, my God." "And you're so conservative." "Fuck you, I know." "I know." " Does anyone else know?" " No." "No!" "Are you crazy?" " Don't tell Josh." " Yuck, no." "No, I won't." "No matter what you do, don't ever." " Okay?" "Shit." " God, this is huge." "It's so" " radical." " I know." "God." "Tell me everything." "How did you meet this person?" "What..." "How did this..." "Don't tell me." " You answered that ad!" "I don't believe it!" " No, no, no, no." " Oh, my God!" " I know, I know." "I'm a liar and a hypocrite." " Jessica Stein!" " I know, I know." "It was a whim." "You know what?" "It was just a whim." "It was this wacky, nutty whim." "I mean, you know that I'm a Rilke fan." "And I read that ad and I thought it would be nice to meet someone, just as a friend." "Oh, my God." "It's all wrong." "It's all wrong." "It's not me." "I'm a Jew from Scarsdale." "This has got to stop." "I gotta call her on the phone and I gotta stop it." "We have to pretend that it never..." "Any..." "Nothing." " Stop." "Shh." "You're hysterical!" " No, I'm not." "Breathe." "What's she like?" "She's great." "She's kind and witty and quirky and nurturing and involved and all that crap." "But she's a girl, you know?" "She's thin." "She has thin arms and she's soft and attentive and it's all wrong." " How's the sex?" " It's good." " Really?" " Yeah." "Yeah." " Does she make you laugh?" " Yeah, yeah, a lot." "We laugh a lot." " Is she as smart as you?" " Yeah, definitely." " She gets you?" " She does." "She really does." "I mean," "I think the thing is we just really click." " You know?" " Mmm." "Sounds like you definitely need to put a stop to this." "Am I wearing this?" "This is so bad." "For Rachel." "You are wearing this, my love." " All right." "You look beautiful." " I look beautiful?" "Yeah, you totally look beautiful." " I look like a heifer in her fifth month." " Oh, God." " You wanna eat?" " Yes, I'm starving." "Let's get out of here." "Good." "I made a reservation just next door." "And I left a message for Helen." " What?" " There she is." "What?" "I left a message for Helen in case she wants to join us." " Hi, dear." "How are you?" " Hi." "What's all this?" " Very funny." " No, really, what's going on?" "These are our dresses, sweetheart." "For the wedding." "For Daniel's wedding." "Didn't I tell you?" "My brother's getting married." " No, you didn't." " You didn't tell her?" " No, I did." "I was sure that I had." " When?" " When did I tell you?" " No, when is he getting married?" "Next weekend." "Didn't you get the invitation?" " Excuse me." " Oh, my God." "Jessie." " I'm sorry." " Jessie, what did I say?" "What happened?" "Nothing, nothing at all." "It's..." " Her brother died at his wedding..." " He died?" "Yeah." "I'm off." "I'll explain later, okay?" "Her brother died at a wedding?" "Please wait." "Your brother's getting married and you didn't tell me?" "I was sure I told you." "I thought I told you." "Stop saying you told me." "You're a terrible liar." "It's one of your best qualities." " All right, please don't do this." " Look." "I am so tired of this." "I am so tired of being left out of half of your life." " We're in a..." " Shh." "We're in a relationship whether you like it or..." "Wait a minute." " Why am I whispering?" "This is the point." " Okay, listen." "We have been through this." "I have never, ever considered anything like this." "But here we are." "It's happening, and it's good, and I'm not ashamed of it." "And if you are, then we have a problem." "She hates that dress." "Let's not get crazy, you know." "It is good." "It's great." "But I'm just not ready to deal with the complexities of..." " God, you can't even say it." " Say what?" "I have never, ever imagined doing anything like this." "Well, you are doing something like this." "This didn't just happen to you." "It did." "I mean, it feels like it did, you know?" "I'm sorry." "I can't just..." "I can't be with you and be intimate with you and share wonderful things with you, and then get shut out of the most basic things in your life." "What is so terrible about having privacy in this, in taking our time to see if it makes sense?" "Because when you don't acknowledge who I am to people that matter to you, it makes me feel like you're ashamed of me." "I'm not ashamed of you." " Well, that's how it feels." " God, what do you want from me?" "I want you to take me to your brother's wedding." "I can't." "I'm sorry." "I just can't." "Fine." "I can't either." "(PHONE RINGING)" "JESSICA ON RECORDING:" "Hey, it's Jess." "Leave me a message." "JOAN:" "Okay, we did it." "Hannah Claire Levine." "Eight pounds, six ounces." "I'm sorry we didn't call sooner." "It was 3:00 a.m. and it went sort of fast, thank God." "Because it's the worst pain one will ever know." "You can't imagine." "I'm in room 325 at Sinai." "Oh, my God." "Can you believe?" "Come by soon." "Where are you?" "(INAUDIBLE)" "(ALL CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)" "The only woman that loved me not just in spite of my faults, but because of them somehow." "I love you, Rachel." "(ALL CHEERING)" "I'm gonna go get some air." " JOSH:" "Helen, hey." " Josh." "Hi..." "Um..." "God, you know, I'm flattered, but it's really not a good time." "They're for Jessica." "Oh." "Sorry." "Well, I heard the opening was tonight and wanted to wish her well." "That's all." "That's sweet, but, um, she's not here." " You're kidding." "Why not?" " Oh, she's got a lot going on." "You know, wedding stuff, rehearsal dinner." "JOSH:" "I am so stupid." "Well, will I see you there tomorrow?" "HELEN:" "No, you won't." "Is that hers?" "Yeah." "Wow." "That's a pretty powerful piece." "Yeah." "It's amazing that someone like Jessica takes such risks in her work, huh?" "She certainly doesn't anywhere else." "Beautiful toast." "Yeah, it was." "You okay?" "Um..." "I don't know." "No." "What is it, Jess?" "It's just sometimes I think I'm gonna be alone forever." "You can jump in any time." "You're my love, you know that?" "My beloved." "But sometimes I worry for you." "I worry for me too." "Sweetheart." "I will never forget, when you were in the fifth grade, and you were so excited when you got the lead in the play." "Do you remember that?" " Really Rosie." " Really Rosie, yeah." "I remember." "And you came home after the first day of rehearsal, and you turned to me and you said, "Mommy," ""I'm not gonna do it." "I quit."" "Just like that." "I turned to you and I said, "Jessie." "Jessie, my love, why?"" "And you said, "Because my costar isn't good enough."" ""And if my costar isn't good enough," ""then the play won't be good enough." ""And I don't wanna be part of any play that isn't good enough."" "And I thought to myself," ""Oy." ""This Child will suffer." ""How this child will suffer."" "And then they gave it to the mieskeit with the glasses." " Tess Greenblatt." " Right." " God, she was terrible." " Right." "And you would have been great." "And you didn't get to do it." "You had to sit there and watch terrible Tess do it with that guy you thought wasn't good enough, who was actually quite excellent, wasn't he?" "He was." "He was very good." "And you know?" "I always think that you would have been so much happier doing that play, even if it was just okay." "Even if it was great, just not the best ever." "And maybe," "just maybe, it would have been the best ever." "You never know." "Jessie." "Yeah?" "I think..." "I think she's a very nice girl." "(LAUGHS)" "(CRYING)" "(DIALING)" "JESSICA ON RECORDING:" "Hey, it's Jess." "Leave me a message." "Jessica." "Hi, it's Josh Meyers." "And, uh, I just wanted to..." "God, I wish you were home." "(DOOR BUZZING)" "I'm wearing this." "Do you have any interest in this one?" "(GLASS BREAKS)" "ALL:" "Mazeltov." "(PEOPLE CHATTERING)" "Aren't they great?" "Aren't they gorgeous?" "Hello, darling." "Hey, how's it going?" "Are you the lesbian?" "Helen, darling." "We just want you to know again how welcome you are in our family." "Right, Sid?" " I told her welcome three times already." " Jesus." "I've been hearing about "the one" for, I don't know, like 20 years." "And I thought it would be a guy." "Right." "I know, I know." "But look, I don't even believe that anymore." "I don't believe there's just one person." "I think there are, like, seven." "Fuck!" "Fuck, fuck!" " Are you okay?" "Is it horrible?" " I'm fine." " Are you sure?" "Are you having any fun?" " Yeah, I am." "The dress looks good." "I'm gonna be right back." " I don't know what she sees in her." " Mother." " She's flat-chested." " Jesus, mother." "But at least you're Jewish, right, dear?" " Uh, no, but I've been to a seder." " Well, that's nice." "Hey, guys, congratulations." "I'm sorry I'm a little late." "Congratulations." " Hey." " Hey, Meyers." " I've been looking all over for you." " Oh, why?" "Well, just to, uh..." "Did you get my..." " What?" " Nothing." " What, what, what?" " Nothing." "It doesn't matter." "Helen, dear, have you thought about the kids issue?" "I mean, you could of course each try artificial inseminating." "Could you excuse me for a minute?" "I really have to pee." " Did you see the view?" " No." "I haven't had a chance actually." "Why don't we just go look at it?" "(SIGHING)" " Hi, Helen." " HELEN:" "Oh, my God." "Joan, hi." " Hi, sorry." "I was just, um..." " I know." "Do you smoke?" " No, I don't." " Good." "Neither do I." " Oh, my God." " I know." "It's so beautiful." "Yeah." " Are you cold?" " No, I'm fine." " Here." "Why don't you take my jacket?" " No, really." "I'm fine." "Jessica." "What?" " Are you okay?" " Yeah." "Why?" "I just..." "I haven't heard you say my first name in, like, a decade." "Oh." "Right." "Sorry." " Stein, just take my coat." " Okay, thanks." " It's just like kissing a guy." " No, it's not." "No, it's not." "How's it different?" "Well, the lips are softer and the body's softer." "And there's this nonthreatening but very exciting..." "It's kind of hard to describe." "Wow." "Wow." "It's pretty fuckin' awesome actually." "Whoa." " Like, a year, right?" "And that's it." " Who knows?" "An hour." "And then you've impacted the entire world." "This is exactly..." "I feel like I've always had this theory along the same lines." "It's really stupid, but I've always felt if you could be the guy or gal to come up with a really good quote." "Right." "But good, like a good one." "A good little nugget." "Like, "Nothing to fear but fear itself."" " That's a good one." " Or, "Ask not what your country..."" "And then you're done." "I mean, that's like immortality in one kind of lightbulb moment." "You just go off to some Caribbean island and drink all day and read and..." " What are you doing?" " Um, I just..." "Hey, hey, hey, Meyers." "Take it easy." " We got plenty, you know." "It's an open bar." " Yeah." "I just..." "I know." "I needed that unfortunately badly because..." "I have to tell you something and it's just gonna be hard." "Oh." "Oh, my God." "Are you firing me?" "Is that why you brought up the quitting and everything?" "No, no." "I'm not firing you." "I went to see your show last night." "And I brought you flowers because I knew you were really sad." "But, you know, the truth is that you've been really happy lately." "I've noticed." "I mean, so happy." "And that's made me really sad." "Inexplicably, deeply sad." "You know?" "I mean, different than my general snarky, bitter, tortured thing." "And..." "So anyway, I went to see your show, not knowing exactly why, and I saw your piece." "And I stared." "And then I had to get out of there." "I ran home." "And I started writing." "I..." "Just writing, all night." "Then I wrote all night and into today." "I mean, that's why I was late." "I was writing." "And you know what?" "I was happy doing it." "I was really happy for the first time in a long time." "And as soon as I felt this happy thing, I..." "I wanted to be with you." "You were the first person I wanted to be with." "I mean, then it hit me, and this was around 6:00 a.m." "You know, it hit me that the reason that I was so sad when you got so happy, and I was happier when you got so sad, was not because I didn't want you to be happy." "It was just because I wanted to be part of the reason you were happy." "I wanna make you happy." "So, um, what I'm wondering right about now is..." "I mean, if you have any reaction to what I just said." "Or more specifically, do you wanna have dinner with me tomorrow night?" "Maybe?" "If you'll excuse me, I definitely need another drink." "No, wait." "I would have dinner with you, but I can't." "I can't have dinner." "What, not the season?" "No, um, I can't have dinner with you because I'm with Helen." "You're gonna have dinner with Helen?" "No." "I'm, um, with Helen." " As in with-with?" " Right. with-with." "Wow." "I don't know what to say." " I don't either." " HELEN:" "Jess?" "Yeah." "Hey." " Hey, they're serving the first course." " Great." "Um..." " Here, your jacket." " Right." "Excuse me." "I'm sorry." " Hey, Josh." " Hey, Helen." "How are you?" "I'm good, thanks." "That's good." "(SINGING) Summer journeys to Niagara" "And to other places aggravate all our cares" "We'll save our fares" "Take these right now." "I've a cozy little flat" "In what is known as old Manhattan" "We'll settle down" "Right here in town" "Oh, we have more." "You know what I forgot?" "We'll have Manhattan" "The Bronx and Staten Island too" "It's lovely going through" "Okay." "Hold on." "The zoo" "Watch." "He's gonna..." "Oh, my God." "It's very fancy" "On old Delaney Street you know" "The subway charms us so" "When balmy breezes blow" "To and fro" "And tell me what street compares with Mott Street" "It's for your heart, for running, for, you know..." "In July" "Almost there." "Almost there." "Sweet pushcarts gently gliding by" " Come on, come on, come on." " I've got a cramp." "The great big city's a wondrous toy" " Come on." " Hey, wait." "We'll turn Manhattan" "Into an isle of joy" "The great big city's" "A wondrous toy" "Just made for a girl and..." "Girl and..." "Girl and..." "We'll turn Manhattan" "Into an isle of joy" "JESSICA:" "Sweetie, I'm exhausted." "I'm gonna hit the hay." "Thanks." "That must be a pretty good book." "It is." "It's amazing actually." " That's enough reading for one night." " Sweetie, stop it." "I just want to finish this chapter." "It's really interesting." "Sorry." "(SIGHS)" "Oh, fuck." "What?" "No." "I just forgot to pick up my dry cleaning again." "I got it." " You did?" " Yeah." "JESSICA: (CRYING) Can't we talk about this?" "No, sweetie we've talked." "We talk all the time." " I know, I know." "Isn't it great?" " Of course it's great." "Our talks are great." "So good communication is the key to a successful relationship." " We never have sex." " What?" "Yes, we do." "What do you mean?" " We don't." " Yes, we do." "When was the last time, sweetie?" " I gotta think about it for a..." " A month ago." "Okay, okay." "But it was good, right?" "It was..." "It was good." "Wasn't it good?" " You drank a bottle of wine." " No, I didn't." "That's not true." "That's not true." "I had maybe two and a half..." " Jess, what we have is a friendship." " What do you mean?" " We're best friends." " I know." "Isn't it great?" "Of course it's great." "It just isn't enough." "How can you say that?" "I love you." "I love you too." "That isn't the issue." "Well, what is the issue?" "What is the issue?" " I wanna be with someone who wants me." " I want you." " I wanna be with someone who craves me." " Well, I crave you." "Someone who wants to rip my clothes off." "Why, why, Why?" "Why can't it just be great and loving and tender?" "Why is that not enough for you?" "I don't understand." "I mean, don't you think maybe you place a little too much emphasis on sex?" "Have you ever thought that it's just one component of a much larger package?" " Jesus Christ, I want the whole package!" " I do too." " I think we have it." "We live together." " We're roommates." "How can you say that to me?" "(PHONE RINGING)" " JESSICA:" "Hi, it's Jessica and Helen." " HELEN:" "We're not home now." "But if you leave us a message, we will definitely call you back." "(BEEPS)" "JUDY:" "Hello, my darlings." "It's Mom." "Daddy got reservations for us at Nobu, and not at 5:30." "Um, can I just stick this on the board?" " Yeah, right." "Sure." " Is that fine?" " You're an artist?" " Oh, yeah." "Trying to be." " Thanks." " I actually might know somebody." "You know someone who might be interested?" "Yeah." "Could be." "Really?" "Well, maybe..." "Should I leave you one?" " Yeah." " Maybe I'll leave you three." "Okay." "Well, I would really be grateful." "So thanks for the..." " Jessica?" " Oh, my God." " Hi." "Hi." " Hi." "(BOTH LAUGHING)" "How are you?" "I'm good." "I'm great." "How are you?" " Good, I'm good." " Good." "God, it's been a really long time." " Yeah, yeah, yeah." "So how's..." " So how's..." " I'm sorry." "I..." "You..." "What..." " Oh, no." "I was just gonna say..." "I'm sorry." "You go ahead." "Go ahead, speak." " How's your writing coming?" " It's good." " It's, you know, glamorous." " Yeah, right." "I can see that." " How's the paper?" " Oh, um..." " I quit actually." " Really?" " Yeah, I left a few months after you did." " Wow." " Really?" "That's great." " Yeah, it was great." "It was really great." " So you're painting?" " Um, yes." "I mean, you know, not for cash, but yeah." " Right, well, who needs cash?" " Who needs cash?" "I do." " Right." "Right." "Yeah." " So..." " How's Helen?" " Oh, um..." "She's good." "She's great." " We're not together anymore." " I'm sorry." " Thanks, yeah." " What happened?" "Um..." "She dumped me." " Wow." " Yeah, yeah." " That's bad." "I'm sorry." " Yeah, it was bad." "Thank you." "That's okay." "What are you gonna do?" "She wanted to be with somebody a little more..." "A little more?" "A little more gay, I guess, was the thing." " Right." "Wow." " So what are you gonna do, right?" "Yeah." "What are you gonna do?" "So..." "But we're friends now." " Well, that's good." "That's very good." " So it's good." " Yeah, it's very good." " Yeah." "Friends are good." "Friends are good." "(ALARM RINGING)" " Sweetie." " (GROANING)" "Will you please turn that off?" "No, you turn it off." "You set it." "You gotta get up." "I do have to get up." "But I turned it last time." " You do it." " All right." "I'll make the coffee." " All right." "I'll turn it off." " Oh, my God." "You slept on my arm the entire night." "Oh, wait." "I feel really tired." "(BOTH LAUGHING)" " It's really good to see you too." " It's good to see you too." " It's nice to run into you." " The same." "The same." " Okay." "Take care." " Okay." " I wanted to get your..." " You know, I'd love to..." " I don't have your new number." " New number, yeah." "You know what?" "It's all on this flier." "My new number and actually, my E-mail is best these days." " E-mail?" " Yeah." " I succumbed." "E-mail is best." " You succumbed." "Yeah." "Wow, E-mail." "Okay." "Thanks." " Okay, I'll see you later." "Yeah, you too." " Take care of yourself." "(SINGING) My breaking heart and I agree" "That you and I could never be" "So with my best my very best" "I set you free" "HELEN:" "She's not here yet." "She ran into Josh Meyers." "Just now, that's why she's late." "I know, I know." "I'll get the whole story." " Hey, sweetie." " Oh, my God." " Hi." "Jessica just got here." "I gotta go." " Hi." "Okay." "Yeah, I will." "Bye." " Laurie sends her love." " Thank you." "So, what did he say?" "Um..." "Well, first of all, I got really nervous." " Oh, my God." "That's such a surprise." " I know, I know." "That you and I could never be" "So with my best my very best" "I set you free" "I wish you shelter from the storm" "A cozy fire to keep you warm" "But most of all when snowflakes fall" "I wish you love" "(SINGING) No cares for me" "I'm happy as I can be" "I've learned to love and to live" "Devil may care" "No cares or woes" "Whatever comes, later goes" "That's how I'll take and I'll give" "Devil may care" "When the day is through" "I suffer no regrets" "I know that he who frets" "Loses the night" "For only a fool" "Thinks he can hold back the dawn" "He who is wise never tries to revise" "What's past and gone" "Live love today" "Then come tomorrow what may" "Don't even stop for a sigh" "It doesn't help if you cry" "That's how I live and I'll die" "Devil may care" "No cares for me" "I'm happy as I can be" "I've learned to love and to live" "Devil may care" "No cares or woes" "Whatever comes, later goes" "That's how I take and I'll give" "Devil may care" "When the day is through" "I suffer no regrets" "I know that he who frets" "Loses the night" "For only a fool" "Thinks he can hold back the dawn" "He who is wise never tries to revise" "What's past and gone" "Live love today" "Then come tomorrow what may" "Don't even stop for a sigh" "It doesn't help if you cry" "That's how I live and I'll die" "Devil may care"