"ARCHER:" "Oh, come on, how long are you guys gonna stay mad at me?" "What, for getting us all arrested for smuggling cocaine into Colombia?" "Probably the rest of our damn lives." "Which shouldn't be very long, since we're headed to La Culebra, the most dangerous prison in South America!" "Well, Cyril, when we get there, and I join the toughest gang, don't hold your breath for a bid." "A bid?" "They're prison gangs, not frats." "And don't call a fraternity a frat!" "(SHOUTING IN SPANISH)" "(GUARDS LAUGHING)" "No, I'm fine, don't worry about me." "And don't worry about La Culebra, gringos, you are not going there." "Well, that's good." "ls that good?" "It doesn't sound very good." "Why does that sound really, really, really bad?" "(SIGHS) Because they're gonna kill us." "What?" "(BOTH LAUGHING)" "Unless you got maybe, $100,000 U.S. on you?" "Well, not on me, on me, but..." "But when we're digging our own graves they're gonna get cocky and then we whang 'em with our shovels, right?" "Cyril, this isn't an episode of B.J. and the Bear." "That was?" "It's the jungle, nobody digs graves, they just kneel you down by a ditch and put a bullet in your..." "Cow!" "Why would they shoot your..." "Cow!" "(ALL GRUNTING)" "ARCHER:" "God..." "Damn..." "(GROANING)" "Well, now I'm almost afraid to say... (GROANS)" "Eat a dick, jungle." "(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)" "Ripped By mstoll Happy New Year 2015" " New Year, New Color ;-)" "CYRIL:" "Easy, easy, careful!" "ARCHER:" "Cyril!" "For the love of Christ, man." "Sorry." "You have to shut up." "I am." "Starting now." "Starting now..." "Cyril?" "Sorry." "(ROARING)" "What was that?" "Probably a jaguar, excited about being magnificent and crepuscular." "But I need you to focus on me, because if by some miracle, I get the keys..." "And then, by some other, even bigger miracle, get us out of these cuffs..." "(SNIFFING)" "(SNEEZES)" "I am gonna beat the shit out of you, Cyril!" "I'm gonna beat the shit outta both of y'all." "Oh, my God, Ray!" "You're alive?" "What?" "Did y'all think I was dead?" "Yeah, I totally did." "Well, I just assumed..." "And you didn't even take a moment?" "I mean..." "Screw you guys!" "Ya know..." "What is in your mouth?" "Nothing." "It's the keys!" "He's eating the keys?" "Ray, don't you eat those keys!" "I'm not eating the goddamn keys!" "Ow!" "What're you doing down there?" "What do you think I'm doing?" "On. (CHUCKLES) Sorry." "Do me!" "Do me." "Do me." "RAY:" "Ow!" "Ow!" "Ow!" "Ray!" "Do me." "Sorry." "Do me." "Please." "First promise you won't be mad at me." "I..." "Wait, why would I be mad at you?" "Because you're an asshole!" "MALORY:" "I beg your pardon?" "Since Cyril's not here, I'm helping Cherlene redline her record contract." "And I think we should move on, they're not gonna let you kill a guy." "What about a dwarf?" "What about Sterling?" "Wait, he's a dwarf now?" "He's missing!" "With God knows how much of our dwindling cocaine and no one's doing anything to find him!" "If he calls here, my plan, in its entirety, is to ask him where he is." "It has a simple elegance." "Well, have you tried calling him?" "(AUTODIAL BEEPING)" "(ALARM BLARING)" "AUTOMATED VOICE:" "The mailbox of..." "ARCHER:" "Ar-ar-ar-archer" "AUTOMATED VOICE:" "...is full, leave it." "All right!" "Turn it off!" "Turn it off!" "ARCHER:" "Ar-ar-ar-Archer..." "I can't!" "It's..." "(BANGING)" "Aw!" "Aw!" "Okay, so he forwards his phone here, that's easy, then he taps the phone line into the intercom, they're both low-voltage, no big deal, but that's patched into the actual house wiring," "obviously 110 AC, which means he must've wired a transformer in the circuit somewhere, but he's got all these fake wires in here, that don't connect to any... (SOBS) ls this all just a game to you people?" "My God, I'm broke." "My husband kicked me out of my own home, we're running out of cocaine, and on top of all that, my son is missing!" "Um, okay, if Archer calls, I'll..." "No, please, don't disturb me, I think I'm getting a migraine... (BLOWING WHISTLE) Outlaw country!" "Whoo!" "I honestly don't know how much more I can take!" "(LAUGHING)" "Wow, I think she seriously might be, like, nearing the end of her rope." "Hey, speaking of rope..." "You want cocaine?" "Yay!" "ARCHER:" "God damn it!" "How is this my fault?" "Because why do you always get paralyzed?" "Because why do you always crash every goddamn vehicle I get in?" "I didn't crash it!" "That crooked idiot drunk murdering cop did!" "Yeah, speaking of..." "These guys don't look too good." "Well?" "They're gonna look even worse when they're jaguar poop!" "What?" "We can't just leave them here." "As opposed to what, Cyril?" "You and I sling them over our shoulders and climb 200 feet straight up a cliff, without a goddamn rope?" "I..." "Wait, where am I in that scenario?" "I guess getting pooped out of a jaguar!" "Well, we definitely can't leave Ray!" "We have to!" "Ray, I'm sorry." "No, you're not!" "I am, actually, which, whatever, but..." "(GUN COCKS)" "We are not leaving Ray." "What do you even think you're doing?" "I'm taking command!" "(BOTH LAUGHING)" "Hey!" "I'm serious!" "Oh, my God, okay." "That's really funny." "Thanks, Cyril, I think we needed that." "We did, we really did." "Man!" "Now gimme the goddamn weapon." "You nut." "(CHUCKLES)" "Thought you were gonna hit me with it." "I was." "Okay, so how do we get Ray and his useless legs out of here?" "Well, now, I actually have some thoughts on that." "God damn it." "RAY:" "I think it's a pretty good plan, y'all." "ARCHER:" "No, it isn't!" "We might as well slather ourselves with whatever it is crocodiles eat, and swim down!" "What do crocodiles eat?" "Everything!" "They eat everything!" "And fear is their bacon bits." "CHERYL:" "I don't understand what you're saying." "Damn it!" "Look, I think Malory is genuinely going through a really hard time right now, so I think we should do something nice for her." "I don't understand what you're..." "God damn it!" "I'm with you, Lana." "It freaked me out seeing her cry like that." "It was like seeing my dad cry." "Crying because... (SCOFFS) Name it, he's a gigantic pussy." "Oh, my God, when my mom died?" "Hey, and speaking of pussies..." "A Long Island Iced Tea?" "I'm not even supposed to drink regular iced tea." "Yeah, this is a Long Island." "Yeah, stupid." "Your words." "Shut up, and okay, so what would cheer Malory up, what does she like?" "Archer and money and liquor." "Besides that." "Some different liquor." "You know what always cheers me up..." "We're not giving her cocaine." "I was gonna say cock." "Yeah..." "Ow!" "You done?" "I am." "Thank you." "Ass." "And, Pam, that's not a bad idea." "Hmm." "I dunno if I'd be comfortable with that." "I mean, even for me, it's..." "Lemme stop you, before you say what it is you think I'm talking about." "Gettin' shitty drunk on two different kinds of liquor, dressing up like Mr. Archer, and banging the old lady with a strap-on..." "Ow!" "That's not what I had in mind." "Okay, good, 'cause the dressing up like Mr. Archer part makes it kinda weird." "I..." "I'd have to be super drunk, like so drunk" "I bet I wouldn't even enjoy..." "Ow!" "(CLEARS THROAT)" "Okay, so what's your plan?" "CYRIL:" "Well, eventually we have to come to a village or whatever and maybe we can barter with them for a ride, or..." "Barter with what, Cyril?" "I dunno, maybe the gun, or..." "Yes!" "Great idea, yes, Cyril, let's give an M-16 to a bunch of wild Indians!" "Whoa!" "Hey!" "God damn, Huckleberry Finn!" "What?" "I don't think it's racist to assume that a previously uncontacted tribe of indigenous peoples might react unpredictably, perhaps even wildly, to a bunch of white guys who walk up and hand 'em a goddamn M-16!" "Okay, I didn't know in your scenario the indigenous people were uncontacted..." "Totally different scenario." "In which..." "No, you obviously wouldn't just want to hand them an M-16." "'Cause they'd be like "What?"" "Or whatever their word for that is." "MALORY:" "What?" "A spa day!" "What?" "No, I can't go out like this..." "No, no, no, that's the best part, it's here!" "Then it's not a spa day, it's just a bath!" "I want to go back to sleep!" "Well, after this you'll be so relaxed..." "I took three Valium!" "If I get any more relaxed I will literally die!" "Okay, well, that's also good, because you may not actually find this to be all that relaxing." "MALORY:" "What the..." "Why are they dressed like that?" "(SIGHS) That was the only way they'd do it." "Strip!" "Yay!" "CYRIL:" "Wait, what?" "ARCHER:" "Crocodylus acutus!" "And maybe even..." "Are we in the Orinoco drainage basin?" "How should I know?" "Okay, so maybe Crocodylus intermedius is in play." "Not to mention four kinds of caiman, including the black caiman, which can grow up to 22 feet!" "Is that why you're up on those goddamn cans?" "Yeah, if a big bull croc slithers up on the raft," "I'm gonna pour a ring of gas around me and set it on fire." "Why?" "Cyril, they can't chomp through fire." "Although I have no reason to think that." "Why are you so scared of crocodiles?" "I dunno, Cyril, maybe deep down" "I'm afraid of any apex predator that lived through the K-T extinction..." "Uh..." "Physically unchanged for 100,000,000 years, because it's the perfect killing machine." "A half-ton of cold-blooded fury, with a bite force of 20,000 Newtons and stomach acid so strong it can dissolve bones and hoof." "And now we're surrounded, those snake-eyes are watching from the shadows, waiting for the night... (SINGING) Waiting for the night!" "Damn it, Ray!" "(VOCALIZES)" "Keep your voice down." "Why?" "Crocodiles don't have ears." "They absolutely have ears, shithead." "Well, so do I, and you just talked yourself out of a hat." "(ALL EXCLAIM)" "Jeezy Petes!" "Way to go, Ray." "Now he's got a taste for... (ALL SCREAMING)" "Shoot it." "Shoot it!" "I can't!" "Sweet Jesus, God, then at least shoot out my eyes so I don't have to see!" "Oh, my God!" "What is happening!" "(ALL CONTINUE SCREAMING)" "Huh." "I thought that was gonna be way more epic-firebally." "(STAMMERING)" "Come on, Cyril, pick one." "Either have a stroke or spit it out." "Were you gonna say "a taste for human flesh"?" "No, I was gonna say "hat."" "But now it's not funny." "Well, not as funny." "It's all your fault, it's all your fault." "Which part, Ray?" "The part where I flipped our jeep down a cliff about 90 goddamn times because I got drunk to cope with the fact" "I was about to murder us in the jungle?" "It's your fault we're in this stupid jungle in the first place!" "Well, if we're gonna go back to the beginning of time," "Mother's the one who got us arrested for treason and then bought a ton of goddamn cocaine." "I thought you bought it." "LANA:" "Wait, what?" "Up!" "Up!" "Hands off the goods, mister!" "Aw!" "I said that's ridiculous, where would I get 2,000 pounds of cocaine?" "But if you didn't..." "Okay, so where would Archer get that much coke?" "Who knows with him?" "Maybe wherever he got that new kind of V.D." "none of the doctors had ever seen before..." "When was that?" "Yeah, when was that?" "Seriously, was..." "Trust me, if you had it you'd know." "(BOTH SIGHING IN RELIEF)" "I loathe knowing that I had sex with the same person as you two." "You had sex with me!" "No, I... (GASPS) Oh, my God, that's right." "Ha!" "What're you laughing at?" "Oh, my God, that's right." "So if you dicks want to blame somebody for our current predicament, blame..." "You!" "I blame you!" "Archer!" "I blame you!" "J 'accuse!" "(EXCLAIMING)" "ARCHER:" "What was that, Ray?" "Sorry, I genuinely couldn't hear you!" "(RAY AND CYRIL WAILING)" "Jesus, what is wrong with you two?" ""What's wrong"?" "What's wrong is we're about to be on fire!" "Do something!" "Uh,no?" "What?" "Archer!" "Not until you apologize." "For what?" "Ray, God damn it, just apologize!" "I..." "Jesus Christ, I'm sorry!" "There, was that so hard?" "Okay." "(COUGHING)" "What the hell are you..." "Crocodile repellent!" "What?" "We gotta swim for it!" "On three." "No, no, no." "Archer!" "Sorry, three." "(COUGHING) Kick, Cyril, kick!" "It's okay, stupid, I forgive you." "Forgive, yes." "Cannonball!" "Whoo!" "(BOTH COUGHING)" "Oh, God, I think I swallowed a leech..." "Well, the gas oughta kill that." "You asshole, you could've killed us." "(CLEARS THROAT) Well?" "Well, you did set the raft on fire." "Oh, my God, you always take his side!" "I never, ever, ever take his side!" "Blah, blah, blah." "Some joke about you two having vaginas, come on, let's go." "Go where?" "Well, long-term I was thinking home, short-term, I..." "Here, hold this." "(GROANS) Go Herd." "Short-term, somewhere that's not the crocodile version of a drive-thru." "(GROWLING)" "Sounds good, here we go!" "Uh-uh-uh." "I got it." "Cyril." "What if I need a gun?" "Urn..." "Here!" "Oh, come on." "The only limit is your imagination." "(MIMICS TOY GUN SHOOTING)" "Aw!" "Look, she's almost not terrifying." "(EXHALES) Thanks, you guys." "I think the spa day took her mind off Archer being missing, even if it almost got weird." "She made it weird." "No, you did." "Nobody wants an enema." "Some people..." "Not with yogurt." "So, you think those guys are okay?" "I don't know." "I mean, if it were anybody else I'd say no, but this is Archer we're talking about, so probably not." "CYRIL:" "Oh, for..." "Can you not give it a rest?" "Not until he admits he's been half-assing this entire cocaine debacle from the get-go." "That's only because I thought it was gonna be way easier." "You think everything's gonna be easy." "It almost always is." "Aha!" "See, that's what I resent." "What do you resent, Ray, my muscly shoulders poking into your tum-tum?" "I resent how you never take anything seriously, because you just assume everything's gonna work out for you." "It almost always does." "Case in point." "CYRIL:" "What the.." "RAY:" "God damn it." "CYRIL:" "Do you think those guys are Doctors Without Borders?" "Yes, Cyril, I do." "I bet those assault rifles shoot polio vaccine." "They're narcos, dummy!" "And that plane's probably loaded with coke." "Okay, here's the plan." "What?" "Are you crazy?" "You're outta your mind!" "We have to get out of the country!" "So we can either walk out, which no, no, we can't, or we can fly out in an airplane full of cocaine!" "Ray is paralyzed, who's gonna fly it?" "Don't..." "Why would you worry about that before you need to?" "What?" "Why clog your brain with a bunch of hypothetical maybe-what-if bullshit?" "Because..." "Shut up!" "This is what we're doing!" "So, Cyril, lock and load that stick." "(STIFLES SNEEZE)" "ARCHER:" "Manos arriba!" "Nice." "You wanna..." "Oh, right." "(SPEAKING SPANISH)" "RAY:" "Manos..." "Urn..." "Wait, what was it?" "Arriba!" "God damn it!" "Manos arriba!" "I don't think so, gringo." "Drop your weapons!" "I'm serious," "I will shoot this guy right in the..." "(GUNSHOT)" "(LAUGHING) What the hell is that?" "(MIMICS TOY GUN FIRING)" "(ALL LAUGHING)" "Suppressing fire!" "Okay, Okay." "Ow!" "(GUN CLICKING) God damn it, Cyril!" "Whoo!" "Oh, geez." "Oh, geez." "Oh, geez." "Sorry." "That's why I wanted you to be stick." "Ah-ah!" "Yeah, come on, it's been a long day." "Do you have any idea who we are?" "Nope." "Do you know who we are?" "No." "(BURPS)" "Then blow me." "Cyril, make sure it's good and tight." "(LAUGHS)" "Why are we not still doing "phrasing"?" "Why are we still not worrying about who's gonna fly the damn plane?" "Oh." "Right." "(ASKING IN SPANISH)" "(ALL LAUGHING)" "(SPEAKING SPANISH)" "(SIGHS) You are kidding!" "Okay, Ray, ballpark, how long will it take you to teach me how to fly a plane?" "How long?" "I flew the space shuttle..." "Cyril, hush, big guys." "Ray, how long..." "How long will it take you, Archer, to admit you dick around every time we're in danger just to screw with everybody, because of your complete..." "No, your utter contempt for your own mortality!" "I mean, yeah!" "Duh." "All I wanted." "(GASPS) What." "You could walk this whole time?" "(LAUGHS)" "ARCHER:" "No, Cyril, of course I'm not mad..." "I think what Ray did was awesome." "Okay." "Well, then you are an idiot." "Your words." "Which, I guess, so am I, since I just realized we can't land anywhere with all this cocaine on board." "Oh, my God, you guys, where are we gonna land?" "Jesus Christ, woman, calm down!" "We've got five hours of fuel, we'll worry about that when we have to!" "Guess I'm rubbing off on you, Ray." "God damn it!" "What?" "What?" "ARCHER:" "Why are we not doing "phrasing"?" "WOMAN: (SINGING) Now I'm coming" "Now I'm coming" "Now I'm coming Coming home to you" "Now I'm coming" "Now I'm coming" "Now I'm coming home to you" "Ripped By mstoll Happy New Year 2015" " New Year, New Color ;-)"