"Hey, check it out." "Look at those two losers." "Hi, everyone." "We're Connie." "And Carla." "Nerds!" "Attention, please." "The yearbook committee will meet today at 3:40 in the library." "Good crowd." "Connie, are you sure we should?" "Don't forget the harmony in the second verse, okay?" "Okay." "This is going to work, Carla." "We just have to stick to my plan." "Right." "The plan." "We're gonna be huge." "Huge!" "All students registered for the planetarium field trip... should now be on the bus." "Get off the stage!" "They're freaks." "31-B." " Thank you." "You've been a great crowd." " All of you." "And the greatest thing about that car show is... you can sit in any car you want for as long as you want." "Yeah, I remember that from last year." " Cut it out, Al." " You know, Carla." "Me and Al just got this new job." " We're loading stuff in this warehouse." "It's great." " Oh, that's great!" " What's your problem?" " I'm trying to eat, okay?" "What are you doing here anyway?" "I told you we broke up." " Again?" " Let's go, Carla." "Where you going?" "Mikey, the second show." "Yeah, Mikey, the second show." "Have some respect." "Don't you realize we're in the presence of the great waitresses?" " Al, shut it." " No, you shut it, Connie." "You and that stupid show." "You're like sad, you know." "After all these years, just face the fact, it's not gonna happen and give up." " What?" " What's your problem?" "What is wrong with you?" "Why can't you just be normal?" "Al, I only have one life." "I want it to be a happy one." "Let's get outta here." "Come on, Carla." "Carla, please?" "Let's go." "You're a dreamer, Connie." "Wake up." "I told you that layover from Madison would bring people in." "Connie." "Carla." "Oh, we're gonna be able to pay you back soon, Frank." "Frank, we needed more wigs than we thought, and we have to do some advertising." "Good show." "Oh!" "You girls are great!" " I gotta go see about a delivery." " Thanks, Frank." "Hey, Frank." "Rudy's looking for you." " Carla..." " Dinner theater will be so in again." "Yeah, Debbie Reynolds definitely knew what she was doing." "Debbie Reynolds?" "Darling." "Darling." "Chins up, boobs out!" "It's showtime!" "Oh." "Actually, the show's over." "Sorry." "If you're flying through, come back in a month when the show will be huge." "Huge!" "We're Connie." "And Carla." " Do you like musicals?" " Stop talking, strange women." "I can tell by your lovely accent you're a visitor to this country, and welcome." " Where is fat man?" " He has a gland problem." " Ooh!" " Ooh!" "Where's Frank?" "Uh, he just left, Rudy." " Where does he park?" " On the rooftop." "Tibor, let's go." "Nice to meet you, Connie." "Carla." "We gotta warn Frank." "Let's go." "The shipment is short..." "again!" "I didn't take anything, Rudy." "You were the only one who handled the transport." "So now I have to kill ya." "Let's go get security." "Okay." "Look." "You know, Frank, I'm always the one." "How long's this been going on?" " Look." "Just in time." " How long?" "No!" "No!" "Officer, look." "These guys are big-time coke dealers." "You take me in, I'll tell you anything you wanna know, okay?" "I left the stuff back at the Traveler's Lounge with some girls." "You just go and ask for Connie and Carla." "Connie and Carla." "It's Connie and Carla." "Oh!" "Oh, my God!" "Oh!" "Carla, please." "Carla..." "Okay, why the throat?" "I can't believe you would actually..." "Carla, calm down." "Your voice is giving me cramps." "Those guys are gonna kill us!" "Carla, we're okay." "We're okay." "Oh, my God, there they are!" "Did I get 'em?" "Did I get 'em?" "They're still coming." "They're coming!" "They're coming!" "Please say where you're going." "We don't know, Ma." "We just suddenly realized we have to make a move for our careers." "We're not in trouble or anything." "Connie." "Carla." "Are you prostitutes?" "We'll call you!" "Okay." "What is that?" " What are you doing here?" " Your moms called." "Where are you going?" "We're going away for a while." "Yeah, oh, I get it." "Last week, you supposedly break up with me." "Now you pretend you're leaving and bum-ba-ba-da, I'm supposed to propose." "You want us to marry you." "What are you talking about?" "We're not even pre-engaged." " Mikey, if you wanna propose, I'm ready." " Oh." "Mikey, don't get trapped." "We've been dating other girls anyway." "Yeah, we've been..." "What?" "Oh!" "Drive, Thelma, drive!" "What do you got?" "Sputnik, you can't find two stupid women, who have my kilo and saw me blow someone's head off?" "This is all that was there." "Business contacts." "Old Town Dinner Theater, St. Louis." "Lincoln House Dinner Theater, Kansas City." "Balcony Dinner Theater, Little Rock." "They've left town." "Wait." "Where's my work tote?" "Oh, God!" " I think you left it!" " Oh, great!" "Now those guys know everything about us." " You don't have our home address in there, do you?" " No, no, no." "We should just go to the police." "A cop shot poor Frank!" "Just let me think, all right?" "I'm trying to make up a new plan." "Where can we go?" " New York?" " New York?" " New York's too obvious." " Florida?" " Florida?" " They can't hide." " We can't hide!" " We gotta go someplace where we can just blend in." "Okay." "Somewhere where they'd never look for us, because there's no theater, no musical theater, no dinner theater, no culture at all." "Los Angeles." "We could be L.A. girls now." "We should work out." "Good one." "Thank you." "Oh." "Oh, I think I have a tissue." " Here." " Thank you." "What's this?" "I don't know." "I can't see!" "Oh, it tastes really funny!" "Don't inhale!" "Spit it out!" "Stop breathing!" "Where'd you get that?" "I didn't get it!" "Carla!" "It was in your bag!" "We've been rehearsing a lot, and he's got that new job." "What if he doesn't even have any job?" "What if he's found somebody else?" "Yeah, yeah, that's it." "I think Mikey cheated on me, 'cause I was always working nights." "It's not his fault." "It was probably that waitress at Dodo's Diner." "The blond?" "She always looks at him funny when she brings him his cheese melt." "Hi, Mikey." "She makes me sick, she's so sweet." "So sweet." "Like the devil in devil's food cake." "She just..." "She makes me wanna puke." "She makes me wanna vomit." "It's okay, Carla." "It's okay." "We deserve better, that's for sure." "You know what?" "No more time for losers, Carla." "Mm-mmm." "When one door closes, another door opens." "Yeah, life is like a patio door." "You never know which side is gonna be open." "Mm-hmm, and you walk into the glass." "They look friendly here." "Oh, I really like it here." "Me too." "I got a good feeling about this, Carla." " Yeah?" "Me too." " Yeah." "Okay." "It really feels safe here." "Oh, gunshot!" "Oh, Connie, they found us!" "We're gonna die!" "Let me look!" "Let me look!" "Oh, we're okay." "We're okay." "Oh, cute!" "Don't bother, Carla." "They're all just Als and Mikeys with a tan." "No more boyfriends for us." "Oh, wait, back up!" "Back up!" "Where are you?" "Are you okay?" "They're not okay." "Are you eating?" "Okay, Mom..." " We're eating, Ma." " Well, what are you doing for money?" "I'm sure they've got jobs." "As prostitutes." "I'd be hard pressed to say I can't remember a better-looking group of tourists." "And I mean that." "I hope you're ready, 'cause today is the day when all the stars are coming out." "So, keep your cameras ready, 'cause here we go." "Oh, look at that." "Another celebrity getting arrested." "Kidding." "I'm kidding." "Okay." "Now..." "Excuse me, sir?" "Could we please drive by Debbie Reynolds's house?" " Oh, yeah!" " Ah, no." "That's not on the tour." "Keep your eyes peeled both left and right, because celebrities..." "Sir?" "will just pop at you at anytime." "Sir?" "Sir?" "Hi." "Are there any dinner theaters in town?" "Uh, not in this decade." "Now..." "Sir, isn't there a place..." " where we could sit for dinner and a show?" " Yeah, my face." "Hey, it's Jeff." "I, uh, I came by to see you again, but, uh, you're not home again." "But, uh, I'm bound to run into you sometime, right?" "I'm gonna keep trying." "So, uh, anyway, l-I can't wait to see you." "I will, uh, I will talk to you later." " Thanks." " You're welcome." "None of these jobs pay real money." "I know." "I'll go make some calls." "Okay." "We'll find something." "We're the only salon in Los Angeles that does the hijiki herbal clay wrap." "You have done wrapping before." "Oh, yeah." "There was a ton of these salons in France." "Where we're from..." "originally." "Oh." "Très bien." "You can finish it then." "Seal it tightly with ductile sheathing." "Right." "Excuse me, Mrs. Morse." "Oh, sure." "Okay." " Is that too tight?" " No, no, this is good." "It'll help squish out all that water I've been retaining." "Fifteen pounds to go." "Mrs. Morse, you're thin." " No, no, I'm not." " But you are, really." " No." "No." " Your leg is..." " No, no." " Oh." "Can't even get my butt through this door." "Hello." "The "I hate my body" salon." "May I help you?" "Hello?" "Hello?" "Hello?" "Oh, they're gone." "Mrs. Morse, are you okay?" "Well, the girl said it's the new look." "Straw hair and beige lipstick?" "Well, it's the new California look, right?" " Yeah, for dead Californians." " Oh." "Don't be sad." "We can help you." "I love it!" "You're fired!" "Now we don't have any money for rent." "This is so hard!" "I miss Mikey." "And poor Frank is dead." "When they find us, we're dead too." "Oh!" "What are you doing?" "We need to get drunk." "What?" "Shake it again!" "They sound great." "They're lip-synching." "Mary." "Yes, Mary?" "Did you hear, they're moving their act to Vegas." "Wow!" "This is it." "If we could do our act here, I could die happy." "Can anyone audition?" "Yes, I can." "We're going to get the job." "Now don't get your hopes up, sweetie." "It's an audition." "We have to practice tomorrow." "Ooh, I know what we're going to wear." "Chickapow!" "Are you crazy?" "Why not?" "Because we're women." "No one needs to know that." "No way, Connie." "No way." "Ready." "Smile." "Yeah?" "Mary, we heard you're looking for a new act." "That's right, Mr. Mary." "Doll, stop praying." "You're looking at the Second Coming." "Sign in." "Go backstage." "You're on last." "God, I'm beautiful." "Where'd you find that though?" "Really?" "Here you go, girl." "Oh, tape, tape." "Thank you." "Oh, here, here, here, here." "Thanks." "There you go." "Thank you." "All right, try this." ""Girl, what you wearing, your prom dress?"" "Girl, what you wearing your prom dress for?" "Better?" "Mm-hmm." "What about our voices?" "Way too high to be guys." "Yeah, this is gonna lower the key." "Don't forget to adjust on the harmony." "Okay." "Carla, come on." "Throw your shoulders back." "Have some attitude." "God, these tight tops make us so flat." "Right." "And we look just like them, except they have these." "There." "Al and Mikey were right." "We are dreamers." "That audience is gonna see straight through us, and it could get ugly." "Carla, for one night, we get to sing again." "Come on." "Chins up, boobs out." "It's showtime." "Shazam!" "How 'bout a big hand... for our very own Peaches 'N'Cream." "That's not what..." "You were hitting me with that duster." " I loved it." " You were better than me." "All right, our next act is in town from, uh, Winnipeg." "They're new, so be nice..." "You didn't tell them our real names." "I took care of it." "All right, please welcome..." "Al and Mikey." "Oh, Cabaret." "Original." "Wait, it's Liza... again." "I can't do it!" "Yes, you can." "No." "Is she singing?" "Yes, he is." "Oh!" "Oh, my God!" "Thank you." "We're Connie..." " And Carla." " More!" "Hit it!" "Ooh!" "Ooh!" "Ooh!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "What just happened?" "Oh, my God!" "Oh, you guys!" "Where the hell did you queens come from?" "The Evita stuff made me tingle." "The Evita stuff made me tingle." "Wednesdays and Sundays, 200 a week." "Three hundred a week and 10% of the door." "No way." "Okay, fine." " Congratulations." "You guys are fabulous." " Thanks." "Thank you." "Come on, Toto." "Having trouble making ends meet." "Not the first time." "May not be able to pay you that much." "That's okay." "Yeah." "See you tomorrow, Connie and Carla." "Ooh!" "They all know our real names!" "Who cares?" "We're in!" "Oh, my God, we're in!" "Oh, Carla, we're in!" "We're in!" "Okay." "Yeah!" "Hello?" "Tibor, what are you doing?" "Are they there, or what?" "No, Rudy, they're not here." "Hey, what about tracing their license plate?" "What about tracing the license plate?" "If you'd written it down, you idiot!" "You've been great." "You've been real." "Thank you." "Thanks." "You know, it's hard to meet a guy in this town, let alone in Nazareth." "Hey, Carla, I feel sorry for Mary Magdalene." "Oh, why is that, Connie?" "Oh, you know, she finally decides to mend her ways, going the straight path, and she falls for this guy..." "33 years old, still living at home with his mother, who's never gonna accept a shiksa with a past for a daughter-in-law." "God, I love it." "I feel like I can finally say what I think." "I know." "When we were doing the show in Chicago, and you would say, you know, dirty stuff," "I could feel the audience going, "Oh, no." "Don't do that." "Where's my dessert?"" "But now, dressed like a guy..." "We can say anything we want." "But with L.A. men, the bulge in their pants is a cell phone." "All right, that's it." "I have not seen you laugh once tonight." "Can you not see how fabulous we are?" " I love the show." " Mary, that is scary." "Your face doesn't move when you talk." "Oh, Botox." "Cow poison?" "Oh, no!" "How many of you deaden your wrinkles with that crap?" "Hmm." "Four, huh?" "Five?" "Oh, come on." "Be honest!" "Yeah, mm-hmm, mm-hmm." "Boys and girls, God put us on this earth to have a laugh, hence the term "laugh lines."" "That's what it looks like." "Do yourselves a favor, let your eyes crinkle, let your skin wrinkle." "Our lines show that we've lived." "If he doesn't love you when you look like a map, tell him to hit the road." "Hey, good one." "Whatcha got there, Carla?" "Well, Connie, I do believe it's time for South Pacific sing-along!" "There you go." "Get it around your neck." "Come on, people." "Get 'em on." "There you go." "They're so much fun." "Wish I had the nerve to sing live." "I wish I had the nerve to be that good." "We are such idiots." "Don't be mean to us." "Just because you look fat in white." "I do..." "Look at how busy we're getting." "Are you guys thinking what I'm thinking?" " No more spandex?" " No, sweetie." "Well, then what, honey?" "If you can't lick 'em, join 'em." "Who's getting licked?" "We are geniuses." "Do you know where the scissors are?" "I think they're in the kitchen in the third drawer." "Okay." "I spy your little eye." " It's the bartender from downstairs." " Hello?" "Gimme that!" "I can hear you." "Put that on." "Put it on!" "What's going on in there?" "You can't say hi?" "The guacamole." "I can't hear them." "Should we go?" "How you doing?" "What's going on?" "Welcome wagon." "We live on the top floor." "Hi." "Hey." "Oh." "Dear, girlfriends need a decorator." " Hi." "I'm Paul." " I'm Brian." "My stage name's Patty Melt." "By day, I'm Robert." "And this is my roommate, Lee." "By night, we're a duo act..." "Peaches 'N' Cream." " I hate our name." " I think it's beautiful." "That's because you're the Peaches part." "I'm 'N' Cream." "My name is 'N' Cream." "What does it even mean?" " That's really nice." " Fabulous." "Come." "Come." "Come on." "Join us." "All queens rise." "O blessed St. Mary of Drag Queens, please grant your never humble servants... and our new friends with grace, jewels and support hose." " Gay-men." " Gay-men." "And bless me with a new name." "Hello." "I don't even have a drag name." "Why not?" "Yeah, what's up with that?" "Well, I'm new, so I can't name myself." "You want 'N' Cream?" "No, thanks." "Rosemary Chicken." "Mary, Queen of Shots?" "Mm-mm." "Estée Lauder Harder Faster?" " What?" " Ooh, can I borrow this?" " Hey, hey, what time is it?" " Five-ish." "Uh, the show." "We have to shave... everything." " You're so lucky to be paid to perform." " Sorry?" "What was that?" " What?" " Perform." "Look." "There are very few paying drag gigs in this town." "And I have to bartend at The Handlebar, and frankly, it's beneath me." "So, here it is." "Have you ever thought about adding a few fabulous friends to your show?" "If you need some great new choreography, I know some fabulous new dance steps." "I'm great with wigs." "I can sew a dress in three hours." "I'll lend you my jewels." "Call us." "We could use the buck." "We'll give it some thought." "Yea!" "Bye." "Great!" "Excellent." "Come on, you guys." "Let's go clean our apartment." "For your brother." "You invited him over?" "Are you drunk?" "A little." "You know, Robert left home when he was just 16." "Brian!" "Well, I'm glad I don't have a straight brother." "Now, now, we mustn't be prejudice." "Straights are people too." "Come on." "Look at all the people, Carla." "Oh, shush." "Oh, all right." "Enough already." "Yeah, that's right." "Yeah." " That looks great." " Glamorizing our new look a bit." "I mean, you know, under the lights, these could be great." "Especially on turns." "Whoo!" " These could be dangerous." " Yeah." " Oh." " Aw." " What?" " It's just..." "It's great to see you happy." "Come on, admit it." "You do love the show." "Yeah, it's a drag." "Pun intended." "Hey, my plan worked." "Yeah." "I'm kinda worried about how well-known we're getting." " Only in West Hollywood." " But I miss..." " Don't say Mikey." " Boys." "I miss boys who like to kiss girls." "Forget it, okay." "Because we have no time for losers, and we can't blow our cover." "Are you there?" "Oh, I lost you." "Oh, now I hear you." "Oh, now I lost you." " Robert, you all right?" " Oh, yeah, sure." "I'm just going to meet my brother for the first time in 106 years." "Did you have a fight?" "No." "Look." "I haven't had any contact with my family in a long time." "My choice." "Six months ago, I get a little sentimental watching TV..." "Hallmark commercials." "So I send my grandma a birthday card, with my return address label on it." "So then my brother starts coming around." "Starts leaving me messages, "Hey, let's be brothers again."" "You don't want a brother?" "He's just gonna hate me." "No, he won't." "Does he know you dress with style?" "Yeah, I told him on the phone." "I figured I'd go without the ball gown, just to ease him into things." "Let me see." "There you go." "Blue's your best color." "Thanks, sweetie." "Well, this was a mistake." "Hello, Rudy." "It's Tibor." "What do you got?" "I'm in St. Louis." "They're not here." "Hey, I'm down a kilo and I'm up two witnesses." "Find them!" " Oh, for God's sake, what?" " What?" "What are you doing?" "Following me?" "Watching every move I make?" "I'm not watching you. l-I just thought it'd be fun to hang out." "Why?" "Why not?" "Why?" "Why not?" "Grow up." "You grow up." "You grow up." "Make me." "Well, at least do some shopping yourself." "Please?" " Mom likes irises too." " Save it for Dr. Phil." " Okay." " Hi, Mrs. Phillips." "Hi, Mrs. Phillips." "Hello." "Robert, I thought it'd be nice to spend a beautiful Saturday..." "Jeff, why the sudden interest in me after all this time?" "Well, for a long time, I couldn't find you, remember?" "And, uh, I think I'm gonna marry someone." "And if that's gonna happen, I want you to be there." "Oh." "Come on." "I need cheese." "Are you sure?" "Yeah, yeah." "Oh." "That's my girlfriend." "Oh, no, take it." "I'll see if they're home." "Bonjour, mes filles." "C'est moi." "Hello?" "Sorry, sorry." "Ouvrir la porte." "Here's your hair." "No, no, I got it." "Take it with you." "Get a robe." "Get a robe." "That's yours." "I hear running." "How you doing?" "What's going on?" "Wow." "Good look." "Whoa." "So, uh, how's it going with your brother?" "Jeff." "I'll call you later." "Jeff, these are my girlfriends, the Connie and Carla." "Hi, Jeff." "Welcome to the dollhouse." "Want me to condition your hair?" "No, l-I ran a cream rinse through it this morning, so I'm good." "So, I'll take a rain check." "Uh, you all work at The Handlebar too?" "Oh, yeah, we all work there." "Work?" "Jeff, these broads have transformed that dive into a legit cabaret." " I wish I was in that show." "Hint." " All right." "Hint." "We heard you." "Hint." "Back off." "All right, get outta my way." "Get outta my way." "Let's get outta here." "Oh!" "Hello." "Hi, I'm Brian." "This is Paul and Lee." " I'm Robert's best "briend."" " His what?" "Best friend." "He's also my roommate." "Come see my apartment." "No, ours." "Down, girls, down." "Down, down, down." "Are you hungry?" "Do you like fish sticks?" "I'll make them Filipino style." "They taste just like chicken." "Oh, my God." "I like him." "I saw him before when we were still girls." "He was standing out front." "We had this moment, Carla." " He was nice to me." " What are you talking about?" "Right." "Why would he ever be attracted to me?" "I'm a drag queen." " No, you can't blow our cover for some guy." " Oh, yeah, I know." "I know." "I know." "Thanks." "Have a good show tonight." "Stanley, we want to add some friends to the act." "You've gotta get a food license and expand this place." "Here's my plan:" "We're adding more leg, you gotta add some legroom." " Uh, what would that cost?" " I'll add up some figures." "What..." "Excuse me." "I'll be backstage." "What are you doing?" "What?" "This show is our destiny waiting to happen... dinner theater." "We can't expand the show." "We'll get more well-known, and then word will travel straight to those killers." "They're not looking for a couple of drag queens." "How do you know?" "They're serious." "They have a lot of connections." "They haven't found us." "They're not connected to this world." "We're safe." "We're drag queens." "Whoo!" "You're a freak." "Yeah, and you're a freak with me." "No." "No." "Yes." "Rudy, I tell you." "I have seen almost everything on Broadway." "They're not in it." "I saw Gypsy last night." "They're not there." "I saw Rent, which was surprising, to be so poignant with a narrative, added to by emotional performances which bring the audience into the story." "Like..." "Intimate story?" "Intimate story!" "I got an intimate story." "I'm gonna kill you if you don't..." "Okay, okay, okay." "I have good news." "I got a ticket to the matinee of Hairspray." "Hello?" "Five, six, seven, eight." " Carla!" "What?" "He pushed me." " I am a trained dancer." " Connie, Carla, move more like this." " Hide all your masculinity." " Chickapow!" "No one follow me this time." "I'm delicate." "All right." "Crystal Decanter." "That's not my name." " How 'bout Patty, like me?" "Patty Cake." " No." " Patty O'Furniture." " No." " Patty Pooper." " No." "Great." "Can we all please dance now?" "What's this?" "Why do you wear a bra during the day?" "Well, if you must know, being in drag helps us practice our moves." "Hmm." "Good falsies." "What do you use?" "None of your beeswax." "Yeah, they're really good." "You should all have a feel." "Supple." "Good." "Well, they are good." "Hmm." "Hmm." "Back to work." "Okay then." "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa." "No way!" "Put it back!" "Uh-uh." "No, whoa." "I don't have this kind of money." "Stanley." "Here's my plan." "You only have to do 80% capacity, and you'll make your money back within three months." "All you gotta pay out now is the construction." "I got it all under control." "Sir, hi." "We've talked about this." "Yeah, the tables have to be this high." "Right?" "Right." "Why?" "Stanley, look at me." "I'm eating my surf and turf." "Oh, watching a terrific show." "Eating, watching." "Dinner, theater." "See?" "Dinner theater." "Where do you think the whole TV dinner thing came from?" "Right, Carla?" "Uh, yeah, this high." "Stanley?" "Come on." "Stanley." "Hmm?" "I'll get a loan from my mother." "Yea!" "Whoa!" "Whoa!" "Oh, I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." "I should watch where I'm going." "That's okay, doll." "I'm Connie." "I met you." "Oh, yeah." "Oh, I'm here to take Robert out for lunch." " Just, you know..." " That's nice." "Well, he's my brother, so..." "Take him out..." "Take him out to lunch." "Well, you're nice." "Well, you're... you're nice too, you know." "Uh..." "I mean, uh..." " You know, uh..." " Hello!" "I'll be right down." "What?" "Ayayay." "I have to go to the show after lunch, so I dressed." "Is there a problem, Jeff?" " You wanna cancel?" " No." "No, no, no." " I'll be right down." " Oh, boy." "Take him to the Tube around the corner." "The owner's one of us." "People won't stare as much." "Thank you." "Sure." "You like my garbage?" "Um, uh, a little bit." "Anything good in there?" "Hey, sweetie." " Robert." " Nails." "Nails." "Tibor!" "Mama's Pizza!" "Knock it off." "You're telling me you found them, right?" "Uh, Rudy, no, not yet." "Come on!" "Hey, maybe you put someone at Mexico border to search for their car." "Mexico border?" "That's a great idea." "I'll put somebody at the Canadian border, or we could put..." "Whoa, Nelly." "You okay?" " Yeah, are you okay?" " Yeah." "Padding." "Oh." "Yeah." " Robert's out having a manicure." " Oh." "Mm-hmm." "Here." "Wanna come over?" "What?" "No, no, no, no." "I have something..." "I have a-a..." "You know, I got a prior commitment." "No problem." "Um, you know the other day when I said that you were nice?" "I-I meant it." "You are..." "You are very nice." "I just..." "I just meant it, um, a friendly way, you know?" "I'm-I'm not gay." "Neither am I. What?" "Nothing." "It's complicated." "I bet." "All right." "Okay." "All right." "Good." "All right." "See ya." "Okay." "Mm-hmm." "Hey, do straight guys drink coffee?" " What do you do for a living?" " How long have you been a drag queen?" "Sorry." "I'm sorry." "I just..." "I've never known... a cross-dressing person before, so..." " You know your brother." " Oh, yeah." "Well, no." "It's been a long time." " Yeah." "It's hard." " It's hard, but I'm a bit of an optimist." "Me too. l-I'm stubborn, you know?" "I don't give up." "You know, I wasn't always in a successful show." "And I had..." "I had this friend." "He told me to give up." "He called me a dreamer." " That's not very nice." " Yeah." "I know." " I gotta go." " Okay." "I just wanna know why you do it." "Why-Why you like to dress up?" "You guys." "Oh." "I'm sorry, that's personal." "No, that's okay." "It's..." "It's kind of like this." "It's like dressing how you feel inside." "You know?" "You know what, Jeff?" "I haven't known your brother for very long, but I think..." "I mean, I think, he's happy." "We've only got one life." "It's just a little strange that my brother's out getting a manicure right now." "What, haven't you ever had one?" "God, no." "Well, you live in L.A. Everybody gets their backs waxed and things plucked and..." "I don't pluck." "l-I've never been plucked." "And-And I don't do manicures." "Relax your hand." "I'm relaxed." "Wait..." "Look at it." "It's like a claw." " Okay, I'm relaxed." " Open." "No polish though." "Deal." " And?" " Nothing." "Oh, come on." "Spill it." " All right, but only 'cause we're talking guy to guy." " Right." " I've been seeing this woman." " You got a girlfriend?" "Oh, no." "I'm gonna propose." "I mean, we're at that stage where I should make a commitment." "But, uh, I'm not really sure if we're right for one another." "I mean, she doesn't make me laugh." "Oh, you gotta get out." "You gotta pull the cord on that mission." "Abort." "Wah!" "That could just be me being afraid to take it to the next level." "You know, I had this girlfriend once who told me I had issues about getting too close." "I stopped talking to her." "Have you told your girlfriend about Robert?" " No." " But you're going to?" "Oh, yeah." "No." "Well, maybe." "No." "I really gotta go now." "This was fun." "I've never missed a day of work." "I work all the time." "Oh, yeah." "But, it's nice just to hang out." "Thanks for the manicure." "Don't tell anybody." "Okay." "Aren't you nervous?" "How can you eat at a time like this?" "I can't believe it." " Oy, is there lipstick on my teeth?" " No." "Liar." "Let's go." "Chickapow!" "Chickapow!" "Where were you today?" "Hmm?" "You were supposed to meet me." "I thought we were gonna go shopping." "You know, Carla, maybe we should watch our weight a little." "I mean, we practically need olive oil to grease the zippers on these costumes." "What?" "Don't go all L.A. on me, Connie." "All these women come to our show and idolize us... because as men we have better female self-esteem than they do." "Boy, you have some nerve." "Are you all right?" "No!" "I was at that mall all day by myself, Connie." "People stared at me." "I felt naked." "I can't hide out like this much longer." "I need to get out of this closet." "Well, you can't." "Let's go." "Polar bear walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a... beer."" "Bartender says, "What's with the big pause?"" "And the polar bear says, "Always had 'em."" "You suck!" "You're outta here, Brad." "All right, uh, well, please welcome Connie and Carla and the Belles of the Balls." "Ladies and gentlemen, good evening." "Welcome to the show." "Aren't we all divine?" "All right, here's the show we have planned for you tonight." "Wait!" "Wait!" "Stop!" "I have an announcement to make." "It's time you all knew." "Carla, don't." "I... am... an eater!" "That's right, ladies and gentlemen, and soon we're gonna be a full-service dinner theater." "This is what America needs." "To eat and watch a show where real women are real women." "If you're naturally slim, fine." "Okay, but come on." "Starving ourselves to get thin." "No hips, no breasts until we look just like little boys." "Girlfriends, big or small, thin or fat, worship that body." "It's the only one you've got." "Hit it!" "Good night, Stanley." "Ow!" "Oy." "Oh." "Here you go." "Thank you." "Cotton absorbs." "Um." "Surprised they don't market it like that." "Mm-hmm." "I-I'm looking for Robert." "His cell phone is off." "Is he in there?" "No, she's gone." "You missed our show." "Oh, I'm not ready to see that yet." "No offense about your job." "None taken." "It's not like I'm itching to come down and watch you flip burgers." "I'm a financial advisor." "Of course." "I can smell the stress on you." "I'm not as uptight as you think I am." "Yes, you are." "Hey, bartender, I'm thirsty." "Hey, hey." "Why are you..." "Why are you different when you're away from all the other drag queens?" " What do you mean?" " I mean, it's like there's some kind of... drag queen code of behavior or something, you know?" "It's like..." "Stripes?" "Mary!" "Holy Martha Stewart's prison collection." "I" " I-I got three words for you, Miss Thing." "No, no, no and..." "Four words." "Yesterday!" "It's ridiculous." "What is that?" "What?" "What was that?" "Oh, please, don't make me do it again." "I think I pulled something." "I mean, I wanna figure it out." "I really do." "I mean, are you..." "What's the thrill?" "Are you hiding?" "Actually, I am hiding." "Yeah?" "Some murderers are after me and I'm hiding out as a drag queen." "Really." "Really, I'm asking you really." "I'd like to know." "I wanna figure this whole thing out." "Is this the real you, or are you playing dress up?" "You understand?" "Are you..." "Are you playing dress up?" "Or is this the real you?" "I don't think you could handle the real me." "You'd be all, "Oh, I want my mommy."" "Uh-uh." "It's true." "Uh-uh." "So a real woman doesn't scare you?" "No." "But, Connie, you're not a real woman." "Oh, you'd be surprised, baby." "I know your type." "You like uptight girls." "That is not true." "That is so not true." "Really?" "Yeah." "Am I your type?" "Sure." "Yeah." "You think I'm attractive?" "Connie, I've never seen you out of drag, but-but, uh, I have to say that as a broad, you're-you're a real looker." "Ahh!" "Can I get another one, please?" "I have been to dinner theaters in Idaho, to cabarets in Kansas." "I have watched every show in this whole country." "Connie and Carla have disappeared." "You're just mad 'cause Connie didn't call you." "Mikey, get it through that chunk-a-head of yours, Connie and Carla... they're gone." "Hey!" "Sorry, Mr. Rudy." "Whoa." "Who are you?" "I'm Al." "I'm new." "What's your problem, Al?" "Mikey." "His girlfriend took off on him and... th-that's all." "I love a good story." " Where are Connie and Carla?" " We don't know." "But Mikey says he got a hang-up call last night." " Caller I.D. said area code 323." " Los Angeles." " Oh." " What a story." "Listen, you guys are useless to me here like this." "What I want you to do is I want you to go out there, and I want you to find your girls." "Are you serious?" "And when you do, call me." "Why?" "I gotta know how it ends." "Uh, Mr. Rudy, oh, thank you." "Thanks." "Follow that idiot." "Uh, I already saw you." "Hello?" "I..." "Hey!" "Wait!" "Look, I'm not..." "I know you're not." "That was just a big..." "It was just a mistake, what happened." "Yeah, a big mistake." "Can't we be friends?" "No." "No, we can't." "I don't have time for this." "This whole thing." "Okay?" "It's not normal." "Don't you think it's a little bit weird, Mr. Rudy giving us this cash to come out?" " He cares about me." " Since when?" "I'm not sure." "There's some things about Mr. Rudy that might surprise you." "I heard some stuff." "What'd I do?" "Would you find a map?" "Wanna ride?" "You missed rehearsal this morning." "Carla, please." "I just got dumped." "What are you talking about?" "How could I not know?" "What, the straight guy?" "Yeah." "But he thinks I'm a guy, so it's over before it even started." " Isn't that Jeff?" " Oh, yeah." "That's interesting." "It's Jeff?" "Right in the throat." "Are you crazy?" "You must be out of your mind!" "Carla!" "Carla!" "Your knee is in my coochie!" "Get off!" "Are you sick?" "Do you have some kind of death wish?" "Why would you take a chance on exposing us?" "He'll talk about it to Robert, then she'll talk." "People will talk." "Then those guys will find us and kill us!" "Your voice is giving me mono." "Nothing happened." "Back off!" "You yelled at me." "We're fighting." "We never fight." "What's happening to us?" "We're having a nervous breakdown." "Yeah, maybe we're having a delayed reaction to the trauma of being shot at... like those guys in Nam." "You can't say "Nam," Carla." "You weren't in Nam." "You have to call it Vietnam!" " Shut up, Connie!" "I can call it what I want!" " Oh, God!" "I kissed Jeff!" "I kissed Jeff, and I wanna kiss him again without my wig!" "You can't, Connie!" "You can't!" "You did?" "Just my luck." "I meet the guy of my dreams and he's straight!" "Look at us!" "We're ridiculous, Carla." "I can't do this anymore." "Shut up, Connie." "We're in this because of you!" "It was your idea to borrow money for new costumes, even though you knew Frank was a gangster." "So because of you, we saw him get killed." "And then we... yes, we..." "got shot at." " Shot at with real guns." "And that white powder?" " That was cocaine." "You got us mixed up with some real criminals." "Murderers." "And it was your stupid idea to be drag queens." "Now we're in hiding for life as women dressed as men dressed as women." "So shut up, shut up, shut up!" "I..." "You've been weird." "Cut it out." "Okay." "I'm sorry." "Girls, we need help!" "Open the door!" "Peaches and Jeff are fighting." "Let's go!" "Quick!" "You won't even go inside." "You won't dare to look at the show." "I've asked you and I've asked you." "You won't do it." "Robert, I've invested days and energy in this relationship." "I'm trying." "But, you gotta give me a break It's hard for me to see you like this." "You can't pick and choose the parts of me... that don't make you sick to your stomach." "You can't have half a relationship with me, Jeff." "Jeff." "Oh, my God." "What are you..." "What are you doing here?" " It's not what you think." " Jeff, I can see that." "So this is what you've been up to?" "No." "Sneaking around when you said you were working?" " That's his girlfriend." " I thought you were seeing other women." " No, Mary." " Her name is Mary?" "Jeff." "Introduce me to your girlfriend." "Mary, this is Robert." "My brother." "Oh." "Okay." "Um, we're gonna give you guys some privacy." "Jeff, they're freaks." "God." "She's fine." "He's fine." "Everything's all right." "Let's just leave her alone." "Maybe just a glass of water?" "My heart's pounding." "I thought she was going to kill that girl." "One who should watch out is that Jeff." "I'm going to knock him into next week." "I swear to God." "Ouch." "You know?" "Yeah." "Christ." "Let's eat." "And he wouldn't stop asking me questions." "It was like I was Professor Cross-dresser or something." "Like he says, "Why are you called drag queens?" "Nobody's being dragged." "You're not dragging anything."" "Well, that comes from Shakespeare." "Really?" "Yeah." "He'd write, "So-and-so enters," and in the margin, he'd put the initials D.R.A.G." ""So-and-so enters dressed as girl."" " Drag." "Okay, Shakespeare." "How about Ophelia Up?" " No." "Wanda DeCountryside?" "It's not me." "Devoida Talent?" "Stop it." "Personally, I like Wanda DeCountryside." "What are you looking over here for?" "That's your side." "Turn around, look over there." "Come by later if you wanna talk." "Oh, sweetie." "I am all talked out." "Hey." "Hey, hey, hey, hey." " You okay?" " Yeah." "I've got guy problems." "Oh, sweetie." "Come on." "Welcome to What's Up L.A.?" "A dinner theater that's full of drag queens?" "Holy stockings." "Gorgeous..." "Connie and Carla, there you are." "If you could just spare us five minutes." "A big hit here in West Hollywood." "Just tell us a little something." "Don't be so shy." "You've made a big splash." "It's just a local station." "Our viewers are dying to know you." "Okay." " What makes you the best drag queens ever?" " Honey, we do our own singing." "No lip-synching for us, toots." "We do all your favorite show tunes wrapped in a delicious dinner." "That was a big mistake." "We have been flirting with disaster ever since we went on that stage." "Carla." "Connie." "What are you doing here?" "What the hell is going on?" "How did you find us?" "Carla, how come you're a guy now?" "Uh, Connie." "I think a lot of people just saw that." "Yeah, but it's local news." "There's no way that that Russian or Rudy guy saw it." "Mr. Rudy." "Our boss." "You work for Rudy?" "He sent us to find you." "What?" "What the hell?" "You just tell Rudy that we wanna live." "We're not gonna tell anybody that he killed poor Frank." " Wait." "He killed Frank?" " You should listen to some of the guys once in a while." " Al, we saw him kill poor Frank." " To death." " What happened?" " Rudy knows you're in L.A." " We gotta get out of town." " We can't." "The official dinner theater opening is tomorrow night." "We can't let everybody down." "They're depending on us." "We can't do that to Stanley." "Why'd you cheat on me, Mikey?" "I didn't, Carla." "Ever." "Al just made that up because he was mad at Connie." "Come on, Carla." "Don't go be a guy." "You don't understand, Mikey." "I like doing the show." "I'm good at it." "I like being Carla and Connie." " Connie and Carla." " Yeah." "How come your name's always first?" " It sounds better." "We talked about it." " This is serious!" " We know." " So let's go already." "Hold on." "I need time to think." "Your voice is giving me shingles." "We need time." "Connie's gonna make a plan." "I'm gonna make a plan." "She's gonna make a plan." "Fine." "Call us at this motel." "Room 209." "First thing in the morning." " You wanna stay over?" " Yeah." "Mikey!" " Carla, let's go." " Connie, did you miss me?" "No." "Yeah, you did." "Rudy." "I find them." "I'm an ass." "I should've seen your show." "I should've told my girlfriend about you." "I should've loved you and accepted you... and been okay with the fact that you wear dresses." "I'm sorry, Robert." "It's just that when you left home, it was hard on me." "I was 12 years old." "I wake up one morning and you were just gone." " You didn't call me." "You never even wrote to me." " I got kicked out." "What?" "No." "Mom and Dad kicked me out." "They found my bra." "You thought I left?" "Yeah." "Well, whatever happened," "Mom regrets it." " She does?" " Oh, yeah." "Dad too." "Ha." "No." "They wanna see you." "Jeff, for the first time in my life, I like who I am." "Forget it." "I wanna be part of your life." "I'll say hi to Mom and Dad for you." "And Grandma too." "Okay." "Oh, uh, and Jeff, uh, just a heads up." "My roommate, 'N' Cream, is on a tear to kick your ass." " 'N' Cream that..." "Oh, the little... the little..." " Yeah." "The..." " Tell him..." "Tell him to bring it." " Make a joke." "I warned you." " Thanks for the warning." " Go, go, go." "Go." "Hi." "Hi." "Robert's not here." "Yeah, I know." "I just came from up there." "Uh-huh." "About the other night, I wanted to..." "Yeah." "Um, how's Mary?" "Well, we talked about things for hours." "It's not good." "I mean, the relationship, it's just..." "We broke up." "Oh." "I wanted to apologize to you." "Um, you're not freaks." "You're not a freak." "I hated seeing you hurt." "Thanks, Jeff." "I have fun when I'm with you." "Well, all of you, you know?" "It's just, I'm not..." "I know." "You told me." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Bye." "Bye." "Good morning, L.A. Looking at the freeways, three cars got together on the 101 at Winnetka." "Mikey." "Connie and Carla will call." "I know." "Sahara Motel." "Hi, Room 209." "I'll connect you." "Hello." "Hi, Al." "Connie." "Listen, we're coming..." " Mikey, talked to this guy." "Rudy's on his way." " What?" "He's gonna kill us all." "We gotta get out of here." "Okay, bye." "Mikey just talked to a guy from work." "Rudy's on his way to L.A. We gotta go!" "No." "Carla." "We're gonna die." " I am so sorry for dragging you into this mess." " I love this mess." "Thank you for dragging me." "Pun intended." "Listen, who says they're gonna find us in this big city anyway?" "Would they be looking for a couple of queens?" "Here's my plan." "We launch the show." "We stay for one night." "The audience sees how great the guys are and they come back, and Stanley doesn't lose any money." " That's a good plan." " I know." "One night." "One last show." "Okay?" "Okay." "So, I've been thinking." "We should have the guys enter from the back of the house on "Good Morning Starshine."" "Oh, honey." "If you're gonna enter from the house, you've gotta do it on "76 Trombones."" "Debbie Reynolds!" "Debbie Reynolds!" "Hi, hi, hi!" "Hello there." "Hello there." "Somebody put a letter in my mailbox." "I saw your house on the Star Map." "You know, you've got a pretty hot idea here." "A dinner theater." " Will you please be in our show?" " Yeah, will you please be in our show?" "We open tonight, so there's not a lot of time to rehearse." "Oh, honey, I've got sheet music and gorgeous gowns and a good under wire bra." "I could go on now." "So chins out, boobs up, it's showtime." "Thank you." "Uh, ladies and gentlemen," "I'd like to welcome you to the official opening of Stanley's Dinner Theater..." "We love you, Stanley!" "Thank you." "And now, please say hello to the Belles of the Balls... and the one, the only, Connie and Carla." " Oh, sit back, sweets." " It's just us." " Have we got a show for you." " I hope you brought a change of panties, 'cause..." "Smack." "Smack!" "Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome our very special guest," "Ms. Debbie Reynolds." "Police!" "Drop the cat." "On your knees." "Hands in the air." "Oh, my God!" "I can't believe it!" "What are we gonna do?" "You've got something that's mine." "You killed poor Frank." " Let 'em go, Mr. Rudy." " Get lost." "Kick it, girls!" "Let's go, ladies." "No!" "Take care of the Debbie." "I loved you in What's the Matter with Helen." "You screwed up the number, you bastard!" "Get up!" "Beads!" "Hey!" "Get 'em!" " You guys are bad!" " Police!" "Everybody freeze!" " These are the bad guys!" " These are the bad guys!" " You gotta take 'em away!" " All right, ladies." "We'll take it from here." " He killed fat man!" " He had a gland problem!" " Cuff 'em!" " You're horrible!" "How do you like it?" "How do you like it?" "What are you doing?" "Hey." "Oh, Mikey, I love you!" " I love you." " Thanks, Al." "You did good." " Hey!" "Good show." " Thanks." " You need a baritone?" " Yeah, call us when you get out." "Okay." "On with the show. "Mame."" "Top of "corn."" " What the hell was that all about?" " Um, the Guys and Dolls tribute?" "Oh, save it, Mary." "What just happened?" "Come on, Connie." "Let's tell 'em the truth." "No more lies." "I'm sure you're all wondering... what the cops and..." "First, we owed some money, and then we saw something... and we've been hiding for a while, pretending to be something that we're not." "Hey, who saw Yentl?" "So Barbra Streisand wants to study the Talmud, right?" "But, she can't because she's a woman, so she pretends to be a man, and, uh, one thing leads to the next, and before you know it..." "Uh..." "Everybody..." "Everybody believes that she's a man." "So she has to keep lying..." "even though she wants to stop, she can't, 'cause she has to keep lying to people that she cares about." "You know, that have been really kind." "Look, uh, we're women." "No, you don't get it." "We're women." "Oh-ho-ho." "Oh-ho-ho." "We're sorry we lied." "So sorry." "Get off the stage!" "Let's go back to Chicago." " The patio door is shut and our hair is caught in it." " I know." "Excuse me!" "Excuse me!" "Hello!" "Didn't you used to work at the Slimming Salon?" "Yes." "Mrs. Morse?" "Well, I don't care what you are." "You always made me feel beautiful." "But we thought you were men, and you're not really men." "Oh, honey, who is anymore?" " I thought something was up." " Me too." " No, you didn't." " Girls, in an art form based on... being true to one's real self, welcome to your outing." " Jeff?" " Connie." " Oh, great." "More drama." " You came to my show." " I love show tunes." " Hey, everybody, this is my brother Jeff." " Hi, Jeff!" " Hi." "You look, uh..." "You look different." "Jeff, I'm a woman." "It's an authentic look." "Yeah, but..." "No." "I mean I'm female." "We're girls." "We were faking it." "It's this long story..." "Connie, please, we've been over that." "Really." "Really?" " Really?" " Yes!" "Well, I could get used to that." "Jeff is the guy?" "Yeah." "You're the guy." "Get up here and kiss her, you fool." " Ooh." "The finale." " What?" " The finale." " Oh!" "Carla's a big star now." "And I'm her boyfriend."