"'This is the atory 'of the Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy... 'perhaps the most remarkable, 'certainly the most successful book 'ever to come out of the great publishers of Ursa Minor." "'More popular than The Celestial Home Care Omnibus, 'better selling than Fifty-three More Things To Do ln Zero Gravity, 'and more controversial than Oolon Colluphid's trilogy 'of philosophical blockbusters, Where God Went Wrong," "'Some More Of God's Greatest Mistakes 'and Who ls This God Person Anyway?" "'And in many of the more relaxed civilisations 'on the Outer Eastern Rim of the Galaxy, 'the Hitchhiker's Guide has already supplanted 'the great Encyclopaedia Galactica 'as the standard repository of all knowledge and wisdom, 'for though it has many omissions and contains much that is apocryphal'" "'it scores over the older, more pedestrian work 'in two important respects." "'First, it is slightly cheaper and, secondly, it has the words:" "'inscribed in large, friendly letters on the cover." "'To tellthe atory of the book' 'it is best to tellthe atory of some of those whose lives it affected." "'A human from the planet Earth was one of them, 'though, as our atory opens, 'he no more knows his destiny 'than a te leaf knows the hiatory of the East India Company." "'His name is Arthur Dent he is a six-foot-tall ape descendant 'and someone is trying to drive a bypass through his home.'" "(RUMBLING)" "(BIRDS TWITTER)" "Come off it, Mr Dent - you can't win, you know." "You can't lie in front of the bulldozers indefinitely." "I'm game." "We'll see who rusts firstl" "You're going to have to accept it." "This bypass has got to be built." "Why's it got to be built?" "What do you mean - why's it got to be built?" "It's a bypassl You've got to build bypasses." "You were entitled to make suggestions or protests at the appropriate time." "Appropriate time?" "I" "The first I heard about it was when a workman arrived yesterday." "I thought he'd come to clean the windows." "He said he'd come to demolish the housel" "He didn't tell me straightaway, of course." "He wiped a couple of windows and charged me 5l Then he told mel" "But, Mr Dent the plans have been available in the planning oofice for the last nine monthsl" "Yes, of course." "As soon as I heard, I went straight round to see them." "You hadn't exactly gone out of your way to draw attention to theml" "But the plans were on displayl" "On display?" "I eventually had to go down to the cellarl" " That's the display departmentl" " With a torchl" " No lights." " No stairsl" " But you did see the notice?" " Oh, yes." "It was on display in the bottom of a locked filing cabinet, in a disused lavatory with a sign on the door, "Beware of the leopardl"" "Ever thought of going into advertising?" "(ENGINE STARTS)" "And you don't get me like that eitherl" "Mr Dent... have you any idea how much damage this bulldozer would suffer if I were to let it run over you?" "How much?" "None at all!" "'By a strange coincidence, "None at all"" "'is exactly how much suspicion the ape descendant Arthur Dent had 'that one of his closest friends was not descended from an ape, 'but was in fact from a small planet 'somewhere in the vicinity of Betelgeuse." "'Arthur Dent's failure to suspects this 'reflects the care with which his friend blended into human socety, 'after a fairly shaky start, when he first arrived 15 years ago." "'The minimal research he had done suggested to him 'that the name Ford Prefect would be nicely inconspicuous." "'He will enter our atory in 30 seconds and say," "'"Hello, Arthur."" "'The ape descendant will great him in return 'but, in deference to a million years of human evolution, 'won't attempt to pick fleas off him." "'Earthmen are not proud of their anceators 'and never invite them to dinner.'" "Hello, Arthur." "Ford, hi." "How are you?" "Fine." "Look' are you busy?" "Busy?" "I Well' I've just got this bulldozer to lie in front of, or it'll knock my house down, but otherwise...no, not especially." "Why?" " Good." "Anywhere we can talk?" " What?" " We've got to talk." " Finel Talk." "And drink." "It's vitally important that we talk and drink." "Nowl" " We'll go to the pub." " You don't understand." "He wants to knock my house down." " He can do it whilst you're away." " I don't want him tol" "Ford?" "What's the matter?" "Nothing...nothing's the matter." "I've got to tellyou the most important thing you've ever heard." " I've got to tellyou NOW in the pub." " Why?" " Because you'll need a stiff drinkl" " Nol Nol What about my house?" " He wants to knock your house down?" " Yes." " But you're lying in the way?" " Exactlyl" "I think we can come to some arrangement." " Excuse mel" " Hello?" "Yes?" "Has Mr Dent come to his senses yet?" "Can we, for the moment assume he hasn't?" "Well?" "Can we also assume that he's going to be staying there all day?" "So?" "So allyour men are going to be standing around, doing nothing." "Could be, could be..." "If you're resigned to that, you don't actually need him to lie there?" "Not as such." "Not exactly "need"..." "So protend he's there." "Then we could go to the pub." "How does that sound?" "Er...that sounds perfectly reasonable..." "I suppose." "And if you want to pop off for a quick one yourself later on, we'll always cover for you in return." "Yes, thank you very much." "That's very kind." "So if you'd just like to lie down..." "What?" "It's very simple." "Mr Dent will atop lying in the mud" " on condition that you take over." " What?" "Sorry?" "You want me..." "to come and lie down there?" " Yes." " In front of the bulldozer?" " Yes." " Instead of Mr Dent?" " Yes." " In the mud?" "In, as you say, the mud." "In return for which, you will take Mr Dent down to the pub?" "Yes." "Promise?" "Promise." " Get up and let the man lie down." " Thank you." "And no sneaky knocking Mr Dent's house down while he's away." "The slightest thought hadn't even begun to speculate about the merest possibility of crossing my mind." " But can we trust him?" " To the end of the Earth." " Yes, but how far's that?" " About 12 minutes away." "Come on." "We've got to get some alcohol." "'Here's what the Encyclopaedia Galactica has to say about alcohol." "'lt says that alcohol is a colourless volatile liquid 'formed by the fermentation of sugars, 'and also notes its intoxicating effect 'on certain carbon-based lifeforms." "'The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy also mentions alcohol." "'lt says the:" "'..the effect of which 'is like having your brain smashed out with a slice of lemon... 'wrapped round a large gold brick." "'The Guide also tells you 'on which planets the best Pan Galactio Gargle Blasters are mixed, 'how much you can expect to pay for one 'and what voluntary organisations exist to help you rehabilitate." "'The man who invented this mind-pummelling drink 'also invented the wisest remark ever made, which was this:" "'His name is:" "'and we shall learn more of his wisdom later.'" "Six pints of bitter." "And quickly, please." "The world's about to end." "Oh, yes, sir?" "Nice weaher for it." " Going to the match today, sir?" " No." "No point." "Foregone conclusion, then?" " Arsenal no chance?" " No, the world's about to end." "Oh, yes, sir." "So you said." "Lucky escape for Arsenal if it did." " No, not really." " There you are, sir." "Six pints." "Keep the change." "What?" "From a fiver?" "Thank you, sirl" "You've got ten minutes to spend itl" "What the hell's going on?" "I'm losing my grip on the day." " Drink up." "Three pints to gol" " Three pints?" "At lunchtime?" "Time is an illusion, lunchtime doubly so." "Send that in to the Reader's Digest." "There's a page for people like youl" " Drink up." " Why three pints?" "Muscle relaxant." "You're going to need it." "Did I do something wrong this morning or has the world always been like this, and I was too wrapped up in myself to notice?" "I'lltry to explain." " How long have we known each other?" " Er, five years, maybe six." "Most of it made some kind of sense at the time." "How would you react if I told you I'm not from Guildford after all' but from a small planet somewhere in the vicinity of Betelgeuse?" "Why - do you think it's the sort of thing you're likely to say?" "Drink up." "The world is about to end." "This must be Thursday." "I never could get the hang of Thursdays." "'On this particular Thursday, 'things were moving through the ionosphere." "'Many miles above the surface of the planet, 'several huge yellow slab-like somethings... 'huge as oofice blocks, silent as birds, 'thay hung in the air exactly the same way that bricks don't." "'The planet was almost totally oblivious of their presence." "'Thay went unnoticed at Goonhilly, 'thay passed over Cape Canaveral without a blip, 'and Woomera and Jodrell Bank looked straight through them;" "'a pity, because it was the sort of thing thay'd looked for for ages." "'Arthur Dent too, had other things on his mind.'" "(RUMBLING) What's that?" " Thay haven't started yet." " Good." " Probably your house." " What?" " Five minutes to go." " Damn you and your fairy atoriesl" "Stop, you vandalsl You home wreckersl" " You half-crazed Visigoths, atopl" " Arthurl Stopl It's pointlessl" "Barman, quickly, can you just give me four packets of peanuts?" "I'm just serving this gentleman." "He's going to die shortlyl Come onl" "Just a minute, sir." "Do you mind, sir?" "Pork scratchings..." " Peanutsl How much?" " What?" "Have it." "Have it." "Keep itl" "Is the world really going to end this afternoon?" "Yes, in just over 3 minutes and 5 secnds." " But isn't there anything we can do?" " No, nothing." "I thought we were meant to lie down or put a paper bag over our head." "Yes, if you like." " Oh, willthat help?" " No." "Excuse me." "I've got to go." "Oh, well' then..." "Last orders, pleasel" "You pin-striped barbariansl I'll sue the councilfor every penny it's gotl" "I'll have you hung, drawn, quartered, and whipped and boiled...until... untilyou've had enoughl" "Arthur, don't..." "There's no point." "There's only a minute or so left." "And then I'll do it some morel" "I'lltake allthe little bits and jump on them till I get blisters, or I think of something worse..." "(DRONING) What the hell's that?" "Arthur, quickl Over herel" "What the hell is it?" "It's a fleet of flying saucers - what do you think it is?" "Hold this." " What do you mean, flying saucers?" " A Vofon constructor fleet." " What?" " A Vofon constructor fleet." "I picked up nows of their arrival a few hours ago on my sub-etha radio." "I can't cope with this." "I'm going to have to have a lie-down." "No, stay here." "Stay calm." "Take hold of this..." "(HOOTER)" "People ofEarth, aattention, please!" "Poeple of Earth, attention, pleasel" "This is Prostetnio Vofon Jeltz of the Galactio Hyperspace Planning Council." "As you are probably aware, the plans for the outlying regions of the Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy require a hyperspace express route to be built through your star system, and, regrettably, your planet is one of those scheduled for demolition." "Theprocess wiIIll take slightly less than two ofyour Earth minutes" "Thankyou verymuch." "(ANGRY, CONFUSED SHOUTING)" " Get out of itl" " Nol Nol Nol Go awayl" "Allthe planning charts and demolition orders have been on display in your local planning department in Alpha Centauri for 50 Earth years, andsoyou've hadplenty oftime to lodge any complaints.." "(ANGRY SHOUTING)" "What do you mean you've never been to Alpha Centauri?" "Oh, for heaven's sake, mankindl It's only four light years awayl" "Sorry, but if you can't be bothered to take an interest in local affairs, that's your own lookoutl Energise the demolition beaml planet I've no sympathyatall!" " I bought some peanuts." " Uh...?" "We've just been through a matter-transference beam." "You've lost some salt and protein." "The beer should have helped." " How do you feel?" " Like a military academy." "Bits of me keep passing outl" "Ford, if I asked you where the hellwe were, would I regret it?" "We're safe." "Ah, good." "We're in a cabin of one of the ships of the Vofon constructor fleet." "Ah, this is obviously some strange usage of the word "safe"" "I wasn't previously aware of." "What are you doing?" "Looking for the light." " How did we get here?" " We hitched a lift." "Excuse mel Are you telling me we just stuck our thumbs out and some green bug-eyed monster said," ""Hop inl I can take you as far as Basingatoke roundabout"?" "Well' the thumb's a sub-etha device, and the roundabout's at Barnard's Star, but that's more or less right." " And the bug-eyed monster?" " Is greenl" "Fine." " When can I go home?" " You can't." "Ahl" "Good griefl ls this really the interior of a flying saucer?" "Yes." "What do you think?" "It's a bit squalid, isn't it?" "(GROANING)" " What the hell is it, Ford?" " Come onl Let's get out of herel" "It's going to attack us." "No, no, no, it just wants us to turn the lights out." "Come on." "Shhl Sleaping quarters." "We woke them up." "(CLANGl) Ford, thay were..." "What?" "Aliens?" "Dentrassi." "But, Ford..." "What's going on?" " Here, have a look at this." " What is it?" "The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy, an electronio book." " It'lltellyou everything." " I like the cover. "Don't panic"I" " First helpfulthing anyone's saidl" " That's why it sells so well." "Shhl" "What?" ""Don't panic"I" "Look..." "Fast wind index..." "V." "Vofon Constructor Fleets." "Enter that code and see what it says." "I'll keep watch." "(BEEPING) 'Vofon Constructor Fleets:" "(BURP)" "What an extraordinary bookl" " How did we get on board, then?" " The Dentrassi let us on board." " You said Bogons." " Vofons." " Not Dentrassi?" " No." "Dentrassi are the in-flight caterers." "Hay, Hagra biscuitl The greatestl" "You'll love these guysl Thay cook the hoopiest frood food in the West Galaxyl" "Here, have a bite." "Go on, try it." "Your mouth will love you for the rest of your life." "It's revoltingl" "Oh, come onl This stuff is the greatest." "Mmml" "I think those guys must really hate the Vofons." "Now, remember this - Dentrassi hate Vofons." "That's why thay let us on board." "Let's gol" "But if thay let us on board, why doesn't the Guide mention them?" "Oh, it's not very accurate." "Oh?" "I'm researching the new edition." "Ah, atoreroom." "Where are we going?" "Who knows?" "Off this ship, that's for surel" "We've only just arrived." "Shouldn't we say hello and thank you and things?" "Listen, this is a Vofon spaceship." "We just pick up what we need and get off itl Right?" "Right." " Stun guns." " Any good?" "No." "Ford, who are you?" "I told you - I'm a field researcher for the Guide." "Telecom systems." "(WHOOP)" "I got stuck on Earth longer than I meant." "Went for a week' got stuck for 15 years." "Telepsychio helmets." "Huh-huhl" "How did you get here in the first place?" "Easy." "I got a lift with a teser..." "Hypno rays?" "Teasers?" "Rich kids with nothing to do." "Thay cruise around the Galaxy" "looking for planets that no one's made contact with yet and buzz them." " Buzz them?" " Yeah." "Thay find some isolated spot" "Iand right by some unsuspectsing soul that no one's ever going to believe, and strut up and down in front of them, making beep-beep noises." "Rather childish, really." "Ahl" "A towel!" "Keep this." " Guard it with your life." " Huh?" "Listen, it's a tough universe." "All sorts of people trying to killyou, rip you off, everything..." "If you're going to survive out there, you've really got to know where your towel is." "Now, fish." "Huh?" "Fish." "Over here, I think." "Fish?" "(ELECTRONIC WHIRRING)" "Fish." " Very nice." " Very, very useful." "(BLEEPING)" " What do I do with it?" " Stick it in your ear." "It's only littlel (GURGLING) Listen..." " What?" " The Vofon captain." " But I can't speak Vofon." " Put this in your earl" "..shouldhave agoodtime." "Message repeat," "This isyour captain speaking, sopayaattention." "First of all' I see from our instruments that we have a couple of hitchhiker's on board." "Hello, wherever you arel" "IJust want to make it totally clear thatyou are notatall welcome." "I worked hard to get where I am today and I didn't become captain of a Vofon ship simply to turn it into a taxi service for a lot of degenerate freeloaders." "I have sent out a search party and, as soon as thay find you, I shallturn you off the ship." "If you're very lucky, I might read you some of my poetry first." "secondly, we are about to jump into hyperspace for the journay to Barnard's Star." "We will stay in dock for 72 hours and all planet leave is cancelled." "I've just had an unhappy love affair, so I don't see why anybody else should have a good time." " Message ends" " Poetry?" "What are you doing?" "Preparing for hyperspace." "It's unpleasantly like being drunk." " What's so wrong about being drunk?" " Ask a glass of water." "Lie down." " Grip the towel between your ankles." " What?" "Just do itl" "Like this?" "Right." "Now wait..." "What exactly am I doing with this fish in my ear?" "It's translating for you." "Look in the book under Babel Fish." "(WHOOSHING) What's happening?" "We're going into hyperspace." "I'll never be cruel to a gin and tonio againi" "Hay, this towel's movedl" "Yes." "That's a six-light-yearjump." "Good." "We must be near Barnard's Star." " We can jump a ship there." " Can we?" "Ford, I hate to ask this, but what am I doing here?" "Simple." "I rescued you from the Earth." " What happened to the Earth?" " It's been disintegrated." " Has it?" " Yes." "Just boiled away into space." "Listen, I'm a bit upset about that..." "Oh, well..." "All gone?" "Nothing left?" "What about the book?" "Maybe the book's got somethingl" "(WHIRRING)" "It doesn't seem to have an entry." "Yes, it does - at the bottom." "Under Eccentrica Gullumbits, the triple-breasted whore of Eroticon 6." "Oh, yes." "What does it say?" " "Harmless"." "One word?" "Harmless?" " Well' it's the old edition." "There are 100 billion stars in the Galaxy." " No one knew much about Earth thenl" " I hope you managed to rectify thatl" " I sent a new entry to the editor." " What does it say now?" " "Mostly harmless."" " Mostly harmless?" "I think that's pretty good coverage for a disintegrated pile of rubblel" "That's meant to make me feel better?" "Come onl Let's get to the teleport." "(ROARING)" "What's the hell's that?" "If we're lucky, it's a Vofon come to throw us out into space." "And if we're unlucky?" "The Vofon captain might want to read us some of his poetry first."