"Joe?" "Joe, are you okay?" "[Breathing deeply]" "[Sighs]" "# When I grow up to be a man #" "# Will I dig the same things that turn me on as a kid?" "#" "# Will I look back and say #" "# That I wish I hadn't done what I did?" "#" "# Will I joke around?" "#" "# Will I still joke around #" "# And still dig those sounds #" "# And still dig those sounds #" "# When I grow up to be a man?" "#" "So?" "Uh, pancakes, I think." "Yeah, yeah." "Yeah, I feel like pancakes." "What's up with the sunglasses?" "[Chuckles]" "Is that supposed to be a black eye?" "It is a black eye." "Oh, really?" "That's it." "You're not gonna ask." "You're just gonna sit there and pretend to read a menu that you have memorized already and not ask." "I did ask." "You chose to feel pancakes." "[Chuckles]" "All right, so you're not at all curious?" "What, you run into her boyfriend or something?" "Worse." " Her husband?" " Worse." "Worse than an irate husband punching you in the face?" "I'd have to say, uh, yes." "Yes, it was." "She punched you in the face?" "[Chuckles]" "I tell you, she was, um... you know, when Terry told me she was fun," "I thought that was bad." "OWEN:" "Whoa, whoa, whoa." "Hold on." "Terry set this up?" "JOE:" "Yeah." "Yeah." "I didn't tell you that?" "Your first date in 20 years, you go with a Terry hand-me-down?" "Yeah, no, no, no, she wasn't that." "Has he slept with her?" "[Strained] Of course not." "Yeah, but you tried to sleep with her, right?" "No." "Her name is Dori." "She's my dental hygienist." "Pretty." "Dori like the fish "Dory"?" " Who?" " The "Finding Nemo" fish." "Look, you'll like her." "She's a lot of fun." "Oh, "a lot of fun." What is that?" "That's, like, a code for something." "Alcoholic, right?" "Klepto?" "This is what you cannot do, all right?" "I'm not gonna be a part of this if you're gonna be a big stiff." "What? "Stiff"?" "I just want to know how you know she's a lot of fun by sitting in her dentist's chair with your mouth open." "Don't do this, Joe..." "don't get wrapped up in that wrecking-ball head of yours." "Just this one time, just trust me and go with the flow." ""Go with the flow"?" "TERRY:" "Yeah, just go with it." "Stop analyzing and obsessing and just let yourself enjoy something." "How am I obsessing?" "This is my first date in 20 years." "I'm allowed to ask a few questions." "Okay, okay." "She's a lot of fun, she's pretty, and she's single, and that is all the information you need, and the rest is just like..." "like water, Joe." "Just..." "Let it flow." " Okay." "Ready?" " Yeah." "[Grunts]" "Wrecking-ball head?" "You got a huge goddamn head." "He slept with her." "JOE:" "No, no, no, no." "I believe him." "He didn't do anything with her." "And I got to tell you, that made me want to go out with her even more." "Yeah, she's like a..." "Rare bird." "JOE:" "[Chuckles]" "Anyway, so then I drove to the store, and I'm trying to figure out..." ""What should I do?" "Should I call her?" "Should I e-mail her?"" "OWEN:" "So you started obsessing already." "JOE:" "Yeah." "Yeah, basically." "MARIA:" "Quiero oír cómo lo vas a decir." "Dilo "I thufferin' thuccotash!"" "[Hispanic accent] Sufferia toccshicoba." "No, no, no." "Pero, escúchame." "Thufferin' thuccotash!" "Suffera seccostocacha." "[Chuckles]" "I think at today's party, Sylvester has laryngitis." "He almost has it." "Let me see." "Let me see." "Otra vez." "Otra vez." "Thufferin' thuccotash!" "Sufferia tuccoskish!" "Okay." "No." "He's got laryngitis." "[Scoffs]" "Hmm." "Mr. T?" "Hey, Maria." "You on a break?" "Yeah... just a 15." "What's, uhh..." "Okay." "Mr. T, I know about your wife and your divorce and all that, and I just think it's really sad." "Oh, thank you." "MARIA:" "And, so, I know you like all that music from the '40s." "'70s." "Right, but anyway, I wanted you to hear this disc because, well, after Kaitlyn broke up with me... it saved my life." "[Slow-tempo rock music plays]" "# The look that's on your face #" "# I almost believe #" "# That things will never change #" "# Well it's all illusion # [music stops]" "That's a good song." "Yeah." "I'll listen to that." "Thank you." "Thank you." "Okay." "All right." "[Sighs]" "Listen to it in the bathtub." "Oh." "OWEN:" "What, she's got, like, a daddy crush on you?" "JOE:" "No, no, no." "Maria's just..." "intense, you know?" "Anyway, I'm trying to figure out, how do I end this e-mail without sounding like a dick?" "It's taking me like an hour." "But whatever." "I'm just..." "I'm going with the flow." "TERRY:" "Sorry I'm late." "No, you're not." "So, how did it go?" "Whoa." "OWEN:" "He thinks he has a black eye." "So either really bad or really good." "OWEN:" "He won't say." "I'm getting there." "Just let me finish." "I'm talking about the night before." "All right, I'm in the back of my store, and it's late, the store's closed, everybody's gone, and I'm just paying my bills, like I always do." "Then I hear the "ding," you know, on the computer, [ding] And the chat box pops up." "It's her." " Dori the hygienist?" " Yes." "Yeah..." "live." "TERRY:" "So you get to see her, she's right there, and you're looking at her?" "JOE:" "No, no, no..." "words." "Words." "It's just her typing from wherever, but right then, right then." "It's the chatting thing, you know?" "So I answer her, and, you know," "I'm just trying to be funny, telling a couple jokes, and she's laughing." "Well, how do you know she's laughing?" ""LOL." What do you think?" "[Chuckles]" "Anyway, so, um... we make arrangements to go out the next night at The Oyster Bar." "And I say to her..." ""What are you wearing?"" "OWEN:" ""What are you wearing" then or "What are you wearing" on the date?" "Exactly..." "I meant "on the date,"" "but she writes, "Whoa." "You mean now or tomorrow?"" "[Sighs]" "And so I'm writing back to her about that, and before I can even write it, she says," ""because right now I'm not wearing much." "How 'bout you?"" "[Chuckles]" "[Chuckles]" "[Keys clacking rapidly] All right." "[Ding]" "[Ding]" "[Sighs]" "[Ding]" "[Exhales]" "[Chuckles]" "[Chuckles]" "What?" "He told me to go with the flow." "[Laughs]" "Okay." "[Exhales sharply]" "[Ding]" "[Ding]" ""Ha-ha, liar!" "Gotta go." "This was funny, cya tomorrow."" "[Sighs]" "[Sighs]" "Hey, Mr. T." "Hey!" "I just forgot..." "I'm gonna need that CD 'cause I'm going camping this weekend." "Okay." "Yeah." "You okay?" "Yeah, yeah." "I thought everybody was gone." "Whew!" "Just, uh, finishing up here." "Um, anyway, I can burn you a copy and bring it back on Monday." "Yeah." "Don't worry about it." "Oh, no." "You need the CD." "I'll make you a copy." "Okay." "Great." "You have it?" "Oh." "Yes." " Uh..." " There it is." "I got it." "Here you go." "Aah!" "Oh, God!" "Sorry!" "Are you okay?" "Yeah." "You're okay, right?" "Wow." "You all right?" "You're all right." "Yeah." "Okay." "Sorry." "That was bad luck." "I'm sorry." "Thanks, Mr. T." "Okay." "I'll see you tomorrow." "Sorry." "[Groans]" "[Slams desk]" "[Sighs]" "So, you couldn't just lie and type that you pulled your pants down?" "I tried that." "You were honestly gonna whack it in the office?" "Whoa, whoa, whoa." "Who said anything about whacking it?" "Then why were your pants down?" "I don't know." "I was awaiting further instructions." "Like what? "Now staple your dick to a post-it note"?" "TERRY:" "This is the problem with the information age." "No one talks anymore." "There's no room for nuance." "What nuance?" "She said, "pull down your pants."" "OWEN:" "So with the store still open and people still in it, right, you said, "well, I should do what I'm told"?" "The store wasn't open." "Maria has a key." "Sometimes she opens up in the morning." "TERRY:" "So did she see that under your desk there, you were..." "Letting freedom ring?" "I don't know." "I couldn't tell." "But..." "I had to find out." "Why am I standing here?" "You notice anything strange about me?" "Yeah, your head looks bent." "You got allergies?" "You know, you're actually a little bit taller." "Do me a favor..." "squat a couple inches." "Squat?" "No." "Come on, are we gonna settle up or what?" "JOE:" "Yeah, it's crazy." "I left the car running." "In this neighborhood, I don't..." "All right." "Yeah, here." "Here." "Here you go." "How 'bout those Jets, huh?" "Okay, what..." "what are you doing?" "Can you see my pants now?" "[Engine shuts off]" "[Indistinct conversation]" "[Both laugh]" "[Balloon hisses]" "Morning." "Hey, Mr. T!" "You sleep in?" "Yeah." "Yeah, yeah, you got that right." "What's up?" "You load, uh..." "The truck for the Spencer luau?" "I have a leg cramp." "You just climbed a ladder." "How do you think I got it?" "Just load the truck." "A'ight." "I'll work injured." "I'm a team player." "[Grunts] Okay." "Whoo!" "This cramp hurts." "Yeah, okay." "He's a playa, all right." "We all know he's a playa, right?" "Huh?" "Dashaun." "Oh." "Yeah." "Look, Maria, um..." "I don't know if this has ever happened to you, where, uh... you kind of think you see something, uh... but it's not real." "You know, not the way you think it is." "Like a mirage, kind of." "Do..." "Okay, look." "Uh, my friend set me up on a blind date." "And yesterday, I was e-mailing her just to introduce myself." "So you don't need that breakup CD." "You need a first-date CD." "Well..." "nah, not really." "I have a mix that's for first dates." "It's in my car." "I don't, uh..." "[sighs]" "Cut to the chase." "Did she see the python or not?" "No... come on, man!" "No python." "The python was never out." "[Chuckles]" "I just had to find out if she saw something, but I had to do it without letting her know I was trying to find out." "Hmm." "She's your Schrodinger's cat." "Yup. 'Course." "You know what that is?" "Nope, but we also don't want to hear you say what it is." "Schrodinger's cat is a thought experiment." "Shut up." "A cat is trapped in a box with a bottle of poison." "If you want to find out if the cat is alive or dead, you have to open up the box." "But if you do, the poison will be released and instantly kill the cat." "So in the box, the cat is in a state of being both alive and dead." "I hate you a lot." "It's a paradox." "The only way to find out for sure if your cashier saw if your pants were down or not is to tell her your pants were down, hmm?" "All right, look, just, at this point," "I figure I'm just gonna cancel the date 'cause it's jinxed." "You didn't try to cancel, did you, Joe?" " Joe." " Let me..." "let me tell it." "[Whoosh]" "Unh!" "[Crowd gasps]" "[Crowd murmurs]" " You okay, kid?" " Yeah, I'm all right." "Take your base." "All right!" "All right!" "[Cheers and applause]" "COACH:" "Shake it off, now." "Shake it off." "All right!" "He gets a base!" "Way to take one for the team, there!" "Feeling good now, right?" "Way to go, Dylan!" "COACH:" "Two outs, a run on anything." "Let's go!" "Dad!" "Dad!" "JOE:" "You know, she called me then, at Albert's game, and I just thought... [cellphone ringing]" "I'm gonna cancel right now." "Hello?" "DORl:" "Joe, hey." "It's Dori Lamont." "Oh, hey, Dori." "Uh, yeah, I'm glad you called." "Dad!" "Uh, can you hold on, Dori?" "I'm at a baseball game, here." "Yeah, I'm right here, buddy." "I'm watching." "L-I can't do it." "No, no, Albert, you were swinging great in practice." "Just relax and take a swing." "No, dad." "I just..." "I just can't do it." "Wha..." "Need a batter!" "Uh, Dori, I got to go." "Listen, about tonight..." "DORl:" "Hey, can you hold on, Joe?" "The doctor's calling." "No..." "Where's my batter?" "All right, now, just get in the box." "You don't even have to swing." "Just stand there." "It's all right." "Yeah." "It's okay." "Just take a strike." "That's all." "Albert... time runs out, there are two outs." "Let's go." "Make contact." "UMPIRE:" "Coach, let's get a batter up here!" "I think you're gonna have to go to the next batter, Lee." "It's an automatic out if we skip a batter, Joe, unless he's injured." "Come on, Albert." "Your team needs you." "Hey, it's not the playoffs, right?" "UMPIRE:" "Batter up!" "What's going on, guys?" "What's up?" "What's the problem?" "Nothing." "We're good." "Right, Albert?" "Get in there, throw your hands at the ball." "No." "Uh, the kid's not feeling right." " Oh, I understand." " Yeah." "Well, that's an automatic out, right?" "Inning's over?" "Okay." "Hey, guys, bring it on in!" "No, no, we're still up!" "No one said he's not getting up." "Then let's get moving, coach." "Step in the box, son." "Leg cramp!" "Um, kid's got a bad leg cramp." "He's got an injury." "Yeah." "He's still walking around." "I mean, you don't walk around with a leg cramp." "No, no, no, no." "He gets them." "He gets them just from walking sometimes." "[Albert groans]" "He gets bad ones." "Walk it off." "Stretch it out." "You didn't have bananas this morning, right?" "He's got to have a banana before the game." "Leg cramp does not count as an injury." "What, you want to wait till he completely tears his hamstring?" "Okay, all right." "Injury substitution." "Next batter." "JOE:" "Thank you." "DORl:" "Hey, Joe." "Sorry about that." "Oh, yeah, that's okay." "I've kind of got stuff going on here, too." "So, it's 8:00, right?" "At Oyster Bar or is it Oyster Café?" "It's the Oyster Bar." "Yeah." "DORl:" "Okay." "Oh, did you ever say what you'd be wearing?" "Uh..." "[sighs]" "Suede blazer, I guess." "DORl:" "Okay." "Great." "See you then." "All right." "See you there." "[Cellphone beeps]" "UMPIRE:" "Ball one!" "Stretch it." "Rub it out." "Okay." "Yeah, organized sports..." "a bunch of frustrated fathers" " living vicariously thr..." " I finally figured it out." " Figured what out?" " The black eye." "You were telling this story to someone, fell asleep, and banged your head on the table." "So, anyway... after we worked out, I went to the store first and then I went home to get ready." "H-Hold on." "You're leaving out the part about the supermarket?" "Oh, my God." "Really?" "Groceries are a part of this story?" "No, no, no." "You'll like this part." "Plus, I'm in it." "Go ahead... supermarket." "Oyster Bar's good, right?" "It's got three stars in the thing, and it's quiet..." "you can hear people." "Too much sugar." "Here." "You want to have something with at least 25 grams of protein." "Okay?" "Probably should have picked a place with a buffet." "This way, you're up, walking around... less eye contact." "You should probably smell better than you usually do, too, okay?" "Ah." "Condoms." "No." "Condoms?" "Yeah, you remember condoms, Joe." "They go on your dick." "This is not gonna end up in sex." "You don't know that." "She's the only one who knows that." "Look, it's not gonna." "And if there's even a chance of sex on the first date, then she's probably on the pill, right?" "[Chuckles] Please tell me you're kidding." "What?" "Just bring a condom, okay?" "Better safe than sorry." "Plus, if anything, it'll help you last longer." "I don't need that help, okay?" "Thank you." "Boy, you got it all planned out, don't you?" "Actually, actually, I got a pretty good system when it comes to that..." "no shit." "You want to know what I do?" "Uh, no." "If ever we're moving along, and all of a sudden, I realize," ""Shit, you know, I got to slow this down,"" "I stop and I say, "Hold on." "I just want to look at you."" ""I just want to look at you"?" "TERRY:" "Absolutely." "Seriously, that's your technique?" "That doesn't freak them out... just you stopping and eyeballing them?" "[Laughing] Oh, no." "They think I'm being intimate, which I am." "But at the same time, I'm, you know, putting the troops back in the plane." "You should have your own cable-access show." "Yeah, for real." "Well, here." "These will do for now." "Nothing fancy." "[Sighs]" "Even back in the day, I wasn't a condom guy." "Then you were an idiot." "How do you know this is my size?" "See if they got a fitting room." "Look at this couple." "Why are they in a canoe?" "[Toys squeaking]" "Have you moved in the last three hours?" "I'm on my break." "Oh, yeah..." "Maria was looking for you." "Oh." "Hey." "Hey, Mr. T." "I just wanted to ask you something." "Yeah." "Um, but..." "Dashaun, why don't you go to the front of the store and see what's happening at the front of the store?" "Okay, I mean, I still got a few more minutes left on my break." "I'll give you an extra minute for the walk." "Go." "Get a little sun." "Yeah." "What's up?" "Um, well..." "I was just thinking... my mom's hosting a quinceñera for my little sister." "So I was just hoping I could get them a discount." "Yeah." "Yeah, okay." "No problem." "Yeah, we just had a quecenier." "Quinceñera?" "Quinceñera." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Okay, but no problem, yeah." "And... you know what?" "At cost." "Wow!" "[chuckles] Thanks so much." "I was gonna check out the tablecloth catalog, but... your office door was locked, for some reason." "Who did that?" "L-I didn't do that." "Why would I?" "Geez." "I don't know." "I'll fix that." "But, um..." "Good, so..." "I'll throw in the sales tax." "My gift." "Thanks, Mr. T. That's awesome." "Thank you." "That's all right." "Have fun." "How many people?" "300." "OWEN:" "It was a shakedown?" "I got no idea." "But you bought her off anyway?" "I don't know." "I mean, the employees get a discount anyway." "I just... you know, I'm starting to think even Maria doesn't know if she saw anything." "Sad, really." "This is all just very sad." "You know, I'd like to see you go on a date for the first time in 20 years." "You'd be like, "You're pretty." "I know you're pretty 'cause my pee-pee's big."" "[Laughing]" "Well, at least I'd know how to dress." "[Breathing heavily]" "When are you gonna get lights in your garage?" "[Grunts]" "When are you gonna get your shit out of my garage?" "Hey, you offered." "Oh, hope it didn't get wet." "You know, for some crazy reason, I had this vision of you not living in a hotel the rest of your life." "Here it is." "Got it." "Damn Play-Doh." "You know, I tell Melissa every time... no gooey shit for Christmas." "Hard toys... you break them, you throw them out." "Look at this." "All right." "[Clears throat] How do I look?" "Trying too hard." "No." "What?" "The jacket or the shirt?" "Ah, both." "Well, I got to wear the jacket." "She's gonna be looking for a suede blazer." "And she'll be happy she doesn't find one." "I can't go home and change now." "I got to be at The Oyster Bar at 8:00." "Here we go." "I'll press the collar." "Already have the iron on." "And..." "God, please take that off." "You're ironing for this man?" "Well, when you go on your first blind date," "I'll iron for you." "[Chuckles]" "So, seafood on the first date, huh?" "JOE:" "Yeah, why?" "Too exotic?" "[Chuckles]" "I figured, if she's got a seafood allergy, she would have said something, right?" "OWEN:" "Oh, not if she's smart." "See, smart women hide their high-maintenance issues up front... roll them out when you're more invested." "MELISSA:" "What do you know about high-maintenance women?" "!" "L-I dated some..." "Before I met you, darling." "Uh-huh." "That's right, darling." "Here we go." "This will work." "Ooh, Joe, you might want to take off your wedding ring." "Oh, shit." "Okay, thanks." "Oh, man, this whole thing..." "I wonder if she's pretty." "You know, I hope she's pretty b-but not too pretty." "I just..." "I don't want her out of my league." "Relax." "You'll be fine." "Joe, you've actually gotten more attractive as you've gotten older." "What does that say about where he started?" "He has a full head of hair, no gut, owns his own business." "For his age, that's hot." "Well, you realize you just mentioned three things I'm not." "Yes." "But you... you've got those big, cushy cheeks." "Oh, I got it..." "I'm fat." "You are not fat." "You are my big, sexy bear man." "OWEN:" "Well, that's not exactly a compliment, but I get it." "Oh, no, you'll get it, sexy bear man." " [Smooches]" " That's my cue." "Don't you get it?" "[Smooches]" "JOE:" "Wish me luck." "[Muffled] Good luck." "[Brakes squeal]" "[Engine shuts off]" "TERRY:" "Thank you." "So, that's it?" "That's your fascinating part of this story?" "You gave him his own shirt?" "Well, seriously, though, I promised the boys that I'd take them to laser tag sometime today." "So can we speed this up?" "All right, so I meet her, and, um..." "She was... you know, I got to say..." "yes, you were right." "She was great." " Yeah." "I told you." " Shut up." "Keep going." "TERRY:" "No, you shut up." "Go on." "Hey." "Dori?" "Joe." " Yes." "Hi." " Hi." " How are you?" " Good." "L-I thought I was looking for a suede blazer." "Oh, yeah, that, uh..." "That looked kind of lame, so I..." "I was gonna call you, but... yeah, I didn't." "Sorry." "I don't know." "I was promised some suede." "Well, I got, uh..." "I got chaps in the car." "I can throw those on." "Aren't those rawhide?" "I have no idea." "[Laughs]" "I don't even really know what they are." "I'm glad." "Are we drinking?" "Thank God she was easy to talk to." "I never had that awkward "what do I say now?" thing." "And she laughed a lot." "Yeah, I told you..." "fun, right?" "Yeah, by the way, we talked about that and the way that you described me to her." ""Eccentric" is a compliment." "No, not really." "Well, "eccentric" is like a gentle way of saying "crazy."" "But with money... maybe." "Which, by the way, I'm neither." "[Laughs]" "[Chuckles]" "Well, how did he describe me?" "Um, he said "very pretty"" "and "a lot of fun."" "Well, that just means "slut."" "[Laughing] No." " Yes." " No." ""Fun" means "slutty, but you kind of like the girl anyway."" "Well, "eccentric" means "crazy, but you kind of like the guy anyway."" "So, I guess we're just a couple of fun, eccentric whores." "[Chuckles] Yeah." " Cheers." " There you go." "[Glasses clink]" "JOE:" "So, everything was really..." "was going good." "I was going with the flow, mostly." "What do you mean "mostly"?" "Well, I don't know..." "I mean, there may have been a couple times where I was just kind of staring at her and my mind starts thinking, "Oh, man, I should have started with a more average-Iooking woman."" "Joe..." "I told you not to think." "I was trying not to." "At this point, I feel like, who has the time or energy to lie about anything?" "I mean, let's just say I'm a big fan of honesty." "[Chuckles]" "Yeah, I mean, truth... truth is like a fungus." "If you don't shine a light on it every so often, you're gonna end up with a closet full of mushrooms." "I don't get it." "I don't..." "I mean, I didn't make that up, but... [laughs]" "I think I read it on a fortune cookie." "Oh." "That's some big cookie." "It is." "Yeah." "[Chuckles]" "Well, so, screw it, right?" "I figure, if you have to lie to yourself to make a relationship work, is it worth it?" "[Inhales deeply]" "You want, um... you want some honesty?" "Hit me." "Okay, it's weird." "It's..." "it's weird honesty." "So what?" "Screw it, right?" "I think so." "Yeah." "Okay, the other night, when we were having our little... cyber chat..." "Oh, oh." "No." "Listen." "I am so sorry about that." "L-I was trying to be funny, and it was just stupid." "I mean, what was I doing?" "I was trying... making a sex joke on our first conversation?" "I was gonna call you back, but then I was just, like, okay, that's just gonna make things worse." "So, please [sighs] Just... just forget it." "L-I... just chalk it up to nerves." "All right." "Yeah." "It's okay." "You were nervous." "Yes, I was." "I was, um..." "I was cold." "L-I..." "took my pants down." " No." " Yeah." " [Laughs]" " Good." "All right." "Good." "You're laughing." "I was worried." "Now... okay, now that's probably a little too much, but... it's better than you running away, I guess." "[Laughing] No, I just... oh, my God!" "Now I feel really bad." "I see that." "You're really hurting." "[Cellphone rings]" "No, but that was really honest." "[Chuckles]" "TERRY:" "And she answered?" "I hate that!" "That's the reason I don't have a cellphone." "OWEN:" "No, wait a minute." "The issue here is not her damn cellphone." "It's, why would you tell her that you took your pants down?" "!" "You want to lower your big, fat voice?" "All right, go." "Keep going." "Look, I can't believe that she answered." "You know, it's just..." "JOE:" "It was okay, though." "It was good." "Good?" "Everything..." "nothing wrong?" "Okay." "Um, some weird honesty?" "I think so." "That was my "out."" "But I passed." "What "out"?" "You know, when you have a friend call about a half-hour into the date to check on you so you can pretend you have an emergency and bail if you're not feeling it." "I don't know." "Really?" "Yes!" "Didn't you have a bailout plan?" "I didn't." "I was just..." "I was gonna start a fire in the bathroom and wait for the sprinklers to go." "[Laughs]" "Well, that would work." "Wow." "Wait... her, right there?" "Right from the bar?" "Hello." "I know, but you got a good review." "She thinks you're cute." "Oh, God." "She's drunk, then." "Don't drive!" "Don't, uh..." "Bye." "DORl:" "Well, I hope it is okay, because, um... now I need a ride home." "Oh." "All right." "I'II, uh... walk you to the bus stop." "[Laughs] That's great." "No, I think I can manage that." "You like Air Supply?" "That's all I got." "[Laughs]" "Here." "So, do you have a dog, or is that so you'll have something to make me for breakfast?" "You did not say that." "Nah, I didn't say that." "I'm just seeing if you're paying attention." "So, we get to her house, and I'm walking her to her door, and we're talking about something, but all I can think of..." "how do I say good night?" "Do I kiss her?" "TERRY:" "My God." "Just feel it out, Richie Cunningham." "JOE:" "Yeah, okay, what if I feel it out and I'm wrong?" "What if I go to kiss her, she turns her head, and I eat some hair?" "Right?" "You got kids?" "No." "No kids." "No dog." "Not yet." "Live-in boyfriend?" "That's mine." "[Gallery's "Nice to Be with You" plays]" "[Snaps fingers]" "[Chuckles] All right." "Right here?" "OWEN:" "Yeah, midnight basketball." "TERRY:" "All right." "Okay." "JOE:" "And she was good, too." "She was really good." "DORl:" "You got to do the exact dribble that I do." "JOE:" "Oh, geez." "Do I have to wiggle like that?" "DORl:" "Alley-hoop!" "# You're causin' commotion in my soul #" "I'll do it anyway just to be a sportsman." "Ohhhh!" "# Baby you and me #" "# Have got something that's real #" "# I know it's gonna last a lifetime #" "# About the time I'm gonna be with you #" "Aaah, swish!" "Ha ha!" "I didn't even look!" "I didn't even look!" "[Laughs]" "# And it's so nice to hear you say... #" "Ooh, let it rain, baby!" "You know, there's more to this game than just hot-shot shooting." "Well, you're lucky I'm wearing a skirt." "I could school you in some one-on-one." "Okay." "JOE:" "So, I'm on the brink of elimination." "OWEN:" "No way." "She beat you?" "What was the score?" "TERRY:" "Seriously?" "The score?" "JOE:" "Anyway, so I'm getting real nervous, so I just go, "all right." "If I make this shot, I'm kissing her good night."" "TERRY:" "You're letting a basketball shot decide the fate of your date?" "Just take your time." "TERRY:" "You just go with it." "However it feels, you just do it." "Yeah, but this way, if I make the shot, then it's not up to me..." "I definitely have to do it 'cause I've made the bet in my head." "Anyway..." "So, uh, no pressure or anything." "# # [chuckles]" " Ohhh!" " Ah." "I guess that's "E" for "horsie."" "Yeah." "Oh, come on." "Don't tell me you threw it to be a gentleman." "Okay, I need to be honest again." "Weird honest?" "Do I kiss you?" "Or do I not kiss you?" "Because I really want to kiss you." "Mm." "I think I have some, uh..." "Gatorade inside." "You want some?" "Oh, shit." "[Snickers] Yeah, yeah." "[Laughs]" "And?" "Eh..." "I'm trying to figure out if I should tell you the rest." "You have a black eye." "[Chuckles]" "JOE:" "All right." "This is gonna sound corny, but, I mean... it was... you know, it was great." "It was new." "[The Drifters' "This Magic Moment" plays]" "I didn't want to have sex just to have sex." "I wanted..." "I don't know." "At some point, I thought, "I'm just gonna say good night."" "And why?" "I mean, why push it?" "Just..." "We had a good time." "I'm just..." "I'm not even gonna ask." "I'm just gonna kiss you." "Oh, okay." "Yeah, do that." "# This magic moment #" "# So different and so new #" "# But like any other #" "# Until I kissed you #" "JOE:" "And then there was this look that we gave each other, and we both kind of knew." ""This is gonna happen." "I'm gonna let this happen."" "All of a sudden, I'm not self-conscious about anything." "I'm not worried about making a move." "I'm not thinking about Sonia." "I was just there." "And it happened." "Clothes started coming off, and... you know, it's been 20 years since this has happened, but it was..." "It felt like it was... supposed to happen." "I mean, it felt..." "It felt right." "You know... good." "You know?" "It was new." "It was... it was exciting." "# Ohhhhhhhh #" "Almost, uh..." "Almost too exciting." "Hold on." "[Record slows, stops]" "[Breathing heavily]" "I just want to look at you." "H-Here's the problem with "I just want to look at you"... y-you're actually still looking at an incredibly hot woman." "This surprises you?" "Stupid shit Terry tells you doesn't work?" "You're not supposed to actually look at them." "You're supposed to look through them." "Yeah, well, it would have helped if you told me that." "[Chuckles]" "Leg cramp!" "[Grunts]" "[Grunts]" "[Belt jingles]" "[Stifling laugh]" "W-We're gonna need some more coffee over here." "[Chuckles]" "TERRY:" ""Leg cramp." Really?" "That was the best you could come up with?" "It's the first thing that popped in my head." ""Leg cramp"?" "As you fled the scene?" "And locked the door." "Yes." "Well, at least you committed to it." "OWEN:" "He didn't commit to it." "He ran." "You can't run with a leg cramp." "Well, I'm sure he limped as he ran." "Dragged his foot or something." "Right?" "You limped a little?" "No." "Wow." "Joe?" "Are you okay?" "Yeah, no, I'm..." "I'm..." "I'm fine." "You okay?" "DORl:" "I'm fine." "What happened?" "Did I hurt you?" "No." "No." "No, I get these really bad leg cramps." "That's all." "It just runs in the family." "Oh." "Okay." "JOE:" "Yeah." "DORl:" "Joe... you didn't really get a bad leg cramp, did you?" "[Inhales deeply]" "[Sighs]" "Okay." "Weird honesty?" "DORl:" "Yeah?" "JOE:" "I got a bad leg cramp." "[Chuckles softly]" "JOE:" "I did." "DORl:" "I don't know, Joe." "This behavior's kind of eccentric." "[Chuckles]" "Yeah, yeah." "[Sighs]" "Listen, I really had fun with you tonight." "You know, I can remember when I used to go out because it was fun." "And then..." "I don't know, a couple of bad long relationships, and... one day, you wake up panicked that you're gonna be single forever." "And dating isn't fun anymore." "It's like a..." "job interview." "But tonight was fun." "You know, I wasn't..." "I wasn't worried about what was gonna happen next." "I wasn't afraid that... someday I wouldn't be attractive to men anymore." "Oh, no, no." "No, you're attractive." "Believe me." "That's why I'm in here." "[Chuckles]" "See, this is all really flattering to me." "Oh, my god." "Your eye." "Look at your eye." "Are you okay?" "Yeah, no, the eye's okay." "I think my ego needs an ambulance." "Here." "Well, come on." "Let me put something on it." "I guess what happened, uh... it's better than the opposite problem, right?" "DORl:" "Oh, God, yes." "I've been there, too." "Believe me [scoffs] Talk about ego wounds." "This is much better." "Now, wait." "Just hold still for just a minute." "You know, I say "problem."" "You know, I don't normally have any problem in that area." "I didn't think that." "JOE:" "Yeah." "I mean, I'm no superhero, but my average time's... yeah, a pretty good number." "[Laughing] You keep an average?" "I mean, I don't have exact times, but I think every guy knows his general stats in that area." "Hmm." "I'm being honest." "Okay." "There." "[Smooches]" "Yeah, you know..." "I'm all about the honesty." "See, I like that." "OWEN:" "Bullshit." "Swear to God." "I call bullshit." "You expect us to believe that... that she gave you more sex?" ""Gave" is not exactly the right word." ""Took." She took more sex." "I think the wrong word is "more."" "[Both chuckle]" "Yeah." "Yeah, very funny." "Actually got the average up to about 14 minutes." "And you're proud of that?" "14 minutes is barely..." "Average." "Average number." "Okay, with the first one being a.5, okay, you do the math." "Yeah, I'm not gonna spend my Saturday morning doing word problems about your dick, but, you know..." "Joe, welcome to the magnificent world we call post-40 dating." "Yeah, no, I ain't doing that bullshit again." "Once is enough." "[Laughs]" " Mm..." " Oh..." "Ahh." "[Inhales deeply]" "Well..." "Melissa's gonna drop gloves on me if I don't get home." "Yeah, I got to get to the store." "I got a yoga class to teach." "Seriously..." ""leg cramp"?" "JOE:" "There was no blood in my brain." "[Engine revs]" "[Brakes squeal]" "[Engine shuts off]" "Morning." "Hey, Mr. T." "What happened?" "You fall and hit your face?" "Now, why do you assume I fell?" "How about I got in a fight, maybe?" "[Both laugh]" "Carlos, you don't even know what I said." "No." "[Chuckles]" "There's a woman in costumes asking for you." "Okay." "You're the first person I've seen actually pull that off." "I'm not stalking you." "I swear." "JOE:" "No, no." "These are in demand now." "Everybody needs a big, red, curly marabou headband." "How's the eye?" "It's okay." "I got some pirate patches in the next aisle." "Put that on." "It's kind of rugged." "I like it." "Yeah." "I feel tough." "[Snickers]" "What do you think of these?" "Yeah." "Hold it." "Okay." "Don't move." "What?" "I just want to look at you." "[Both laugh]" "I love it every time you say it." "[Laughing] Oh, no." "Look at that." "Mr. T is workin' it." "[Laughs]" "JOE:" "How are you on rock on..."