"What time is the Ministerrecording this broadcast?" "Two p. m., Sir Humphrey." "Can't you stop him referringto the Solihull project?" "There's not a hope." "Oh, God." ""It's a shining exampleof collaboration between governmentand industry"." "How could he think that?" "You told him itwas." "Can a 74 millionbuilding project in the middle of a city,be swept underthe carpet?" "We'll use the Official SecretsA secret?" "." "It's so huge" "It's a big secret, Bernard." "But you can't usethe Official Secrets Act with somethingeverybody knows about?" "The Official Secrets Act is notto protect secrets, but officials." "Why haven't you allowed meto show the Solihull Report to theMinister, tell him the truth?" "He hasn't asked." "Why bothera Ministerifhe doesn'twant to know?" "But how could he askifhe doesn't know?" "Quite so." "It's not that I'm questioningyourjudgement but..." "But?" "But why?" "Because, Bernard,the Solihull Report contained a paragraph casting doubton the financial soundness of Michael Bradleyand Sloane Enterprises Ltd." "And the report's foresight had someinsight in the light ofhindsight?" "What?" "If it said that Michael Bradleywas going to go bust?" "Please, Bernard,watch your language." "The point is that, by the timethe Report came out, I was so... orratherthe Departmentwas so committed to Bradley that it seemed worth takingthe risk to see the project through." "If the Ministerknowsthis partnerwas going bust, he wouldn't makea broadcast about it." "Ministers should neverknowmore than they need to know." "Then they can't tell anyone." "Like secret agents." "They could be capturedand tortured." "By terrorists?" "By the BBC, Bernard." "The bank doesn't knowwhetherornot to foreclose." "I'll dine with Sir" "Desmond Glazebrook, theirChairman." "We might manageto cook something up." "Why don't you goto a restaurant?" "Anyway, in the meantime,come what may, the Ministermust not referto the Solihull Project on the air." "Sir Humphrey,this is a bit of a coverup, isn't it?" "Certainly not." "It is responsible discretionexercised in the national interest to prevent unnecessary disclosure of eminently justifiable procedures in which untimely revelation couldseverely impairpublic confidence." "Oh, I see." "It's like Watergate?" "Bernard!" "If you wish to leave the Serviceand become a BBC interviewer, you have only to apply." "I'm sorry, but..." "Howwas Watergatedifferent exactly?" "Watergate happenedin America, Bernard!" "Oh yes, yes." "I see." "Good morning, Minister." "Good morning." "Morning, Bernard." "Sorry I'm late." "Put them on the desk, George." "I don'twant to be lateat Broadcasting House." "What's the broadcast all about?" "NATO, wasn't it?" "No, partherships in industry." "Oh, yes." "I knewitwas something like that." "Who else is in it?" "It's all in there." "An Employerand a Trades Unionist." "Joe Morgan?" "Wasn't he the TUC representativeon the Solihull project?" "Er, Minister..." "Yes, Humphrey?" "You are not proposing to referto the Solihull project on the air?" "Yes." "It's a shining exampleof cooperation between the Governmentand industry." "But I would be much happierif itwere omitted." "Why?" "Don't you thinkit's ratherpremature?" "Certainly not." "Building started months ago." "Exactly." "Ratherout of date, in fact." "Premature and out of date?" "Well, untimely." "Would it be uninterestingto the general public?" "No." "It's somethingthat's going on." "Extremely interesting." "Yes." "Quite so." "So interestingthat there is a danger that it might obscureyourmain point, perhaps." "What is my main point?" "Bernard, what's the Minister'smain point?" "Private projects are more sociallyresponsible with government money, and government projects are more efficient with private investment." "You see?" "It underlines my main point." "You really are a wet blanket." "Just go about stirring up apathy." "Minister, I must seriouslyadvise you with all the earnestnessat my command, not to referto the Solihull Projecton the air." "Why?" "What?" "I said, why?" "Why?" "Why?" "Well, Minister..." "Are you planning to takethe credit forthis yourself?" "At the European Conventionof Government administration." "Yourspeech will makevery good reading." "Well, a fewfacts of life." "Politicians are responsibleultimately to the people, and we get the credit." "Not Civil Servants." "I would be happyforyou to havethe "credit" forthis project." "But, I must beg, beseechand implore you not today." "No, it's no good." "I'm not going to fall for it." "I'm going to getall the political capital of this." "I know a good thingwhen I see one." "Please, do listen to..." "No." "No." "No." "Minister, p..." "No," "Humpy." "What?" "What?" "If it had been up to me,I'd help out like a shot." "Quite so." "It's not the bank's faultif some idiot Minister gets into bed with a kid,who runs with the money." "That Ministerwasn'tentirely to blame." "There were extenuatingcircumstances." "This Bradley chap lookedvery sound at the time." "But you wouldn't have donea damn fool thing like that." "Would you?" "When it looked like Bradleywanted a loan thatwas one thing." "But nowhe can't pay his bills." "Well, he is unlikely to fulfil financial undertakingsto Her Majesty's Government." "Can't pay his bills, you mean." "And Her Majesty's Government'sundertakings godown with him." "Yes." "Unless a reputable bank wereto take overthe contract from Bradley with a viewto participating in a project which Her Majesty's Government is determined to make profitable." "Quite so." "More Sancerrefor Her Majesty's Government?" "Well, like I say,it's up to my Board." "Could go eitherway,quite frankly." "Could go eitherway." "I see." "Incidentally, to changethe subject completely, you rememberthe newMinistry Copartnership" "Commission you mentioned?" "Indeed." "The Chairmanshiphasn't been filled yet?" "Not yet, Desmond." "Because if itwere to be... should one be offered... not forthe money,I mean, what's 8,000 a year?" "160 a week." "Part time." "Quite." "But itwould be a fascinating..." "Has anything been decided,informally?" "You're looking aroundfora couple of quangos, and I can tell you," "in complete confidence,that yourname is on the shortlist." "On the shortlist?" "Quangos can't suddenlybe in short supply, can they?" "There's reporting today's Telegraph." ""The Quango Jungle:" "There are still around 8,000paid appointments within the gift of Ministersto Quasi Autonomous NGOs, at five million pounds a year".You'll have two orthree spare." "There's certainlya lot of them around, the point is findingone that is appropriate." "There has to be some reasonto appoint you." "What about the Advisory Committeeof Dental Establishments?" "Know anything about teeth?" "I'm a banker." "And that rules outthe Milk Marketing Board, too." "Right." "How about the Dumpingat Sea Representations Panel?" "Do you live nearthe sea?" "Knightsbridge." "Just behind Harrods." "Not nearenough." "That more or less rules out theClyde River Purification Board too." "Rump steak?" "That's forme." "Meat Marketing Board." "Know anything about meat?" "I eat it." "Not enough." "It rules out the Meatand Liverstock Commission." "Doversole." "Sir?" "White Fish Authority?" "Potatoes?" "Potato Marketing Board?" "The Governors of the NationalVegetable Research Station?" "The National BiologicalStandards Board?" "Is that my salad." "Thank you, Robert." "The Arable Cropsand Forage Board?" "The Food and DrinkTraining Board?" "Some French mustard, please?" "What about the Food Additivesand Contaminants committee?" "I know very littleabout any of those." "Well, what do you know about?" "Nothing." "Nothing really." "I'm a banker." "This is not easy." "The Fire ServicesExaminations Board?" "St. John's Ambulance?" "French mustard, sir." "Thank you." "What about the Plant Varietiesand Seeds Tribunal?" "Dammit, Humphrey, I'm a banker." "Thank you." "There must be some minoritygroup that you can represent." "Bankers." "You see, the ideal quangoappointee is a black, Welsh, disabled woman Trade Unionist." "We're all lookingaround forone of them." "You don't happen to know any?" "No." "No." "Well..." "It all boils down to the IndustryCopartnership Commission." "I'd find that quite acceptable." "Well, it is within the giftof my Minister." "And you need only putin appearances twice a month." "Lots of papers?" "Yes, but itwouldn't be awfullynecessary to read them." "I wouldn't have anything to sayat the meetings." "Splendid." "You're just the chapI'm looking for." "Broadcasting House, please." "Sorry to keep you, George." "When you drop me, pleasetake Mr. Wooly on to the House." "Why Humphrey wants to stop me mentioningthe Solihull Project on the air?" "Didn't you think he gave6 or 7 convincing reasons?" "No." "Did you?" "I think he knowswhat he's doing." "Sure he does." "I only wish I knewwhat he was doing." "I'm sure if Sir Humphreyadvises something, then, whateverhe does adviseis advisable." "What do you advise?" "It's not forme to advise, but I would advise youthat you would be well advised to followSir Humphrey's advice." "Why?" "Well, it's just that... certain projects havecertain aspects which, with sensitive handling,given reasonable discretion, when events permit,there is no prima facie reason why, with appropriate give and take,if if all goes well," "in the fullness of time,when the moment is ripe, er..." "You're blathering." "Yes, Minister." "Why are you blathering?" "It's my job, Minister." "An example of thisis going on up in Solihull now." "Government moneyand private investment working togetherin a real partnership." "Claptrap." "And it's symbolic of the waythis Government is working." "I've taken a personal interesting the Solihull Project because..." "Not justwords, it is actually therein bricks and mortar." "A concrete example,if I may put it like that, of the fact that ourprinciplesreally work." "Thank you, Minister." "One lastword, Mr. Conway?" "There's nothing wrongwith the principle of partnership..." "Providedthat there's no interference in management decisionsfrom the State orthe workforce." "Thank you, Mr. Conway." "Joe Morgan?" "Dear, oh dear, oh dear." "We all knowthat Mr. Conway is talking out of date capitalist claptrap." "If partnership is to meananything, it must mean an equal partnership betweenunions, government and industry." "In that order." "Afinal word, Minister?" "There's no need to be offensive." "Gentlemen, please." "We're all in agreement." "We've shownthat if we can work together we can forge a new Britain." "And it's a pleasure to talkto two of the principal forgers... principal participants." "Thank you." "James Hacker, MinisterforAdministrative Affairs, was talking with George Conway, from the Construction Federation, and Joe Morgan, from the Commercial and Administrative Workers Union." "Splendid." "Thank you all." "Jean will take you to Hospitality." "Was it really all right?" "First class." "Most interesting, Minister." "Can we edit that awful Hackerwaffle down to two and a half?" "Leave the Solihull bit." "Joe, see you later." "Yes, George." "I hope you won't mindmy mentioning it," "Mr. Harker, but couldyou put a word in formy members' claim fora special Birmingham allowance?" "I don't think I can conduct TradeUnion negotiations in a BBC studio." "And that's a matterforthe Employment..." "But a word from you..." "No, I'm sorry." "We'd have a Manchesterallowance,Plymouth allowance," "Chipping Sodbury allowance..." "Afterthis broadcast people mightask about the Solihull project, wanting to knowmore about it." "I hope they do." "But as we know, there aresome things betternot found out." "I'm sure we understandone another." "Do we?" "Something in youreye?" "Just a gleam." "What?" "Oh, come off it, Hacker." "We've got youby the short and curlies." "And I'm asking10 % below London allowance, and we'll settle for 30 % below." "Give you the creditforbeating us down." "No allowance." "You'd betterresign youself to that." "I'm not the onewho will have to resign." "What are you talking about?" "The Solihull Project." "I could hardly believeyou took all the credit for it." "Great courage, of course,but whateverpossessed you?" ""Cannons to the right ofhim,Cannons to the left ofhim," "Into the Valley of deathrode Mr. Hacker"." "How did it go, sir?" "Oh, very well." "Very well." "I was talking about governmentindustry cooperation." "There's a very interesting projecting the Midlands." "I don't suppose you'd have heardabout it, but it's very interesting if you know the background." "You don't meanthe Solihull Project, sir?" "Yes." "You have heard about it." "What are you laughing about?" "Nothing, sir." "What have you heard?" "Nothing really, sir." "It's a shining exampleof collaboration between governmentand industry." "What do you know about all this?" "37 journeys between the Ministryand Mr. Michael Bradley's office, 44 Farringdon Street, and129 Birmingham Road, Solihull." "37 journeys?" "Who with?" "Yourpredecessor, sir,and Sir Humphrey, mostly." "Very cheerful they were,on the first few trips." "They kept talking aboutshining examples of successful collaborationand such like." "Then the gloom startedto come down." "Gloom?" "Well, no not gloom." "More like desperation, really." "Desperation?" "What about?" "You know the background, sir." "Well, yes, yes..." "Any bit of the backgroundyou were thinking of?" "No." "When something's fishy, it's just fishy, isn't it?" "You don't knowwhich bitthe smell's coming from." "Fishy?" "Well, I don't really know." "Forall I know,Mr. Bradley may be quite kosher, despite everythingSir Humphrey said about him." "You knowmore about all thatthan I do." "I'm just the driver." "Quite." "Quite." "I'm just the Minister." "An allowance for Morgan's unionis out of the question." "But howwas the broadcast?" "Well, all right, I think." "You think?" "I talkedabout the Solihull Project." "And then I had second thoughts." "Any particularreason?" "No..." "Humphrey, is everything allright about the Solihull Project?" "Yes, Minister." "The building worksproceed satisfactorily." "No, no, no,that's not what I meant." "Is something going on?" "Building is going on." "No, no, Humphrey." "Something's up, isn't it?" "Yes indeed, Minister." "What?" "The 1st floor is up,and the 2nd flooralmost up." "I'm talking about the whole basisof the thing." "Oh, I see." "What can you tell me about?" "As I understand it..." "The basis is an aggregateof gravel and cement on six feet ofbest builders rubble." "You know I am talkingabout the finance." "Ourcontractwith the constructioncompany you mean?" "The stage payments arein accordance with all the usual..." "Humphrey!" "What is it that I don't know?" "What precisely do you mean?" "I don't know." "That's just it, I don't know because I can't findwhat questions to ask you, and I don't knowwhat to ask youbecause I don't know." "What is it that I don't know?" "Minister, I don't knowwhat you don't know." "It could be almost anything." "Your're keeping something from me." "Yes indeed." "It is the Department's dutyto protect the Minister from the great tideof irrelevant information that beats against the wallsof this Department." "There is somethingabout the Solihull Project that I know I don't knowand I know you know." "I know Bernard knows." "Joe Morgan knows." "My own driverknowsmore than I do." "Only poorJoe Soap who hasto tell the public about it hasn't got a clueas to what's going on." "Will you answera simple question?" "Certainly, Minister." "What is it?" "I don't know!" "If you tell me, I'll ask it!" "Well..." "Yes, Frank?" "Ourmeeting." "About my quango paper." "Come on in." "You've read Frank's paper?" "Yes indeed, Minister." "What did you think about endingthe ministerial patronage?" "All those thousandsof jobs forthe boys." "Most original and imaginative." "You liked it?" "Those are two of Humphrey'smost damning criticisms." "Itwould be a very popularpolitical move." "Hand the quango appointmentsoverto Parliament." "The best men forthe job insteadof old chums, partyhacks." "It should be legislated." "It is a novel proposal..." "That's the otherkiller." "But when a systemis working smoothly..." "Smoothly!" "Look at this!" "Proposal forChairman of the new IndustrialCoparthership Commission," "Sir Desmond Glazebrook,I ask you!" "He's neverbeen in industry, and he's said unpleasant thingsabout this government." "Is that a smoothlyoperating system?" "He would be an excellent..." "He's a blithering idiot!" "Yes, but an excellent Chairman." "I'm sorry, Humphrey." "I am not going to appointSir Desmond Glazebrook." "Minister, you must." "No, no, no..." "Please, Minister..." "No way." "No Glazebrook." "Overmy dead body." "Right?" "Minister, before you makeyourfinal decision" "I think perhaps you oughtto see this." ""Report on the Solihull Project"." "Why is it top secret?" ""7.5 million pounds... probably bankrupt proceedings... inminent collapse of project"... well..." "Imminent collapse of project!" "Why didn't you tell me?" "I am conscious of the heavyburdens of youroffice." "But this'll beall overthe front pages." "It's a public scandal,a disaster." "It's..." "It's appalling..." "Jim." "It is dated before the election." "You're in the clear." "Yes, but unfortunatelyunderthe convention of Ministerial responsability,the blame must fall..." "Everyone will know itwasn't Jim." "Quite so." "The principle of democraticaccountability requires the occasional human sacrifice." "When the packis baying forblood..." "Isn't that right?" "He'll point to the dates..." "Oh, a lesserman might tryto wriggle out of it." "But there is onlyone honourable course open." "As the Minister is well aware." "Frank might have a point?" "Only today you have publiclyidentified yourself with the success of the project." "The broadcast!" "When's it going out?" "It's due fortransmissionabout now." "Get on to the BBC at once." "Stop it!" "Stop what?" "Oh yes..." "I wish you luck but you knowwhat the BBC are like." "This is a crisis,this is a scandal..." "If you were to put it like that,they might..." "Might what?" "Move it to peak listening time." "Any luck?" "Aperfect example of what can bedone is going on up in Solihull." "Government money and privateinvestment in real partnership to me, symbolic of everythingthis Government is working for." "I've taken a great personalinterest in the Solihull project." "It's not just words, it's actuallythere in bricks and mortar..." ""Symbolic of everythingthis Government is working for"." "How could you let me sayall those things?" "Minister, I can only advise." "I did advise." "I advised most strongly." "But when the adviser's adviceis unheeded..." "All right, all right." "Advise me now." "Certainly, Minister." "It is possible that the bankmay take over the contract from Bradleyand Sloane Enterprises Ltd." "And all will be well." "The bank!" "Fine!" "Well..." "The bank, however, is hesitant." "But it so happens thatthe Director in charge is to retire next yearand he's anxious to find anotherappointment... a chairmanship of a quango,for instance." "Give him one!" "Give him that one you werereserving forthat idiot" "Sir Desmond Glazebrook." "Who is the Director?" "Desmond Glazebrook." "He's not a bad chap, really." "He's always attackingthe government." "It does us good sometimesto appoint ouropponents." "It's democratic, statesmanlike." "Yes, that'sa very good appointment." "But you can't." "Do shut up, Frank!" "Anybody else know about this?" "Apart from ourselvesand the bank and Michael Bradley, the Union representative." "Joe Morgan!" "Of course." "That's whatwas behind his specialBirmingham allowance claim." "Blackmail." "Quite so, Minister." "Humphrey, I've been thinking." "Desmond Glazebrookwill need some support." "A Deputy Chairman, someone with realexperience of Industry." "An excellent thought." "Is there anyone you couldadvise me would be appropriate?" "ATrade Unionist, forexample?" "What about Joe Morgan,Minister?" "Joe Morgan!" "What an excellent idea." "Well done." "It takes two to quango, Minister." "Get on to them both immediately." "This is what's wrongwith the system!" "It's jobs forthe boys,quid pro quo corruption." "What about my quangoabolition paper?" "Very good, Frank." "Original and imaginative." "Novel." "Novel." "I'm serious about it." "What are you going to do?" "You're not going to suppress it." "I'll get it adopted as party policy." "If the Press wereto get hold of this..." "Yes, if the Presswere to get hold of this." "What a story!" "Frank, I've been wondering." "Have you everthoughtof serving on a quango?" "You're not corrupting me." "No, no, of course not." "But perhapsbetterthan abolishing the entire systemwould be to make itwork." "Humphrey and I were thinking,if we were to set up a special commissionto investigate and report on the compositionand activities of all quangos, that might be the answer." "The answer!" "Itwould have to be very senior,mostly Privy Councillors." "But itwould need toosome very able people who have studied quangos and knew the abusesof the system." "And in the lightof yourknowledge and concern," "Humphrey suggested yourname." "Didn't you, Humphrey?" "Mr. Weisel, I said." "You're not going to changemy opinions." "There is such a thing as integrity." "Of course." "Youropinions and your integritywould make you such a valuable memberof this quango." "Mind you,itwould be very hard work." "Service to this SuperQuangowould involve you in some very arduousforeign travel," "to see how these mattersare managed in other importantgovernment centres." "Japan, Australia," "California, the West Indies..." "Tahiti..." "Tahiti." "Yes, thatwould be fairly arduous." "Dreadful." "Dreadful." "But serving the public's whatit's all about, isn't it?" "Absolutely..." "Serving the public." "Serving the public." "And my quango paper?" "Invaluable, take itwith you." "I'll keep a copy,if I may, on the files." "With the Solihull Report." "Yes, Minister."