"I can't help it, Eddie." "She does this to me." "She makes me nuts!" "Listen, honey." "Your mom visits us 3 days a year." "We're gonna get through this together." "That's easy for you to say." "She doesn't make you nuts." "You weren't raised by her." "I happen to get a kick out of your mom." "You know, between the bigotry and the racism..." "I'm a history teacher." "It's like meeting somebody from the old south." "Or the new south, actually." "Please don't leave me." "Ok?" "Back me up on this." "Ok." "I'm with ya." "How do I look?" "You look beautiful." "Skinny?" "Hospital skinny." "You know what?" "It doesn't matter anyway." "She will find something wrong with me." "It's her job." "I wonder what color her hair's gonna be." "It doesn't matter." "The carpet won't match the drapes." "Oh, honey!" "She got rid of the carpet years ago." "Oh, God!" "Stop." "Ok." "All right." "I'm here!" "Hi, mom!" "Hi, sweetheart." "Give your mama a big hug." "Come here." "Watch my hair." "I got hair extensions." "You like 'em?" "Just like paula abdul." "That is one cute little rug merchant." "Come over here, Eddie," "You great big giant jew, and give me a hug!" "Coming at you, ya sexy dego!" "How are ya?" "I'm good." "Eddie, could you take this upstairs for me?" "Yeah." "Sure." "I have my jewelry in there, and my neck massager." "Look at you." "Are you sick, honey?" "What?" "You look like you just get out of bed," "And you're all yellow." "What?" "And you're bloated." "And what are these doing down there?" "Pick 'em up!" "Mom!" "Where would you like your bags?" "Anywhere but under my eyes." "Just put 'em over there." "Drop 'em." "You didn't take anything out of those bags, did you?" "Or put anything in them?" "Raj, hey!" "Yeah, right." "What happened to the u.P.S. Job?" "It's very difficult nowadays for a brown man to deliver a package." "No kidding." "The question now is what can brown do to you?" "Don't have worry about raj." "He's one of our buddies." "Rrraj." "What did I say?" "You said "raj."" "It's rrrraj." "You know, I gotta be honest." "I don't hear a difference." "Can I please just have my money?" "Eddie, just pay the guy." "And no tip." "Because I know what they do with their money." "They buy monkey bars for their cousins to train on." "May I say what a delight it has been to serve you?" "And if you have need transportation in the future," "Please do not hesitate to call somebody else." "All right." "Here you go." "That should cover it." "Not even close." "I'm taking this book." "Eddie, can you do me a favor, sweetheart?" "Just go down my blouse and see if that's a mosquito bite" "That's making me crazy or a boil." "Go ahead." "You can poke it." "Go ahead." "If that things gets any bigger," "You're gonna be ringing a bell in a tower." "He is so funny!" "Yeah, he's a riot." "You know, the humor comes from persecution." "The jews are just like the blacks." "Both persecuted, and both high-larious." "Mom, we live in a different world now." "Those racist views are obsolete." "I mean, remember..." "we do have a black president." "Yeah, who is just like his mother." "There's a lot of cream in that coffee." "That's all I'm saying." "Whitey, help me out here." "What do you got?" "14 across." "14 across." "An annoying older woman." "That would be an "aunt."" "A-u-n-t." "That's only 'cause you you don't know her." "I don't know what I was thinking here." "Yeah." "That's not like you to miss that." "You've got a lot on your mind, huh?" "You know, you're very..." "very intuitive." "You really...you just know my feelings." "That's what friends are for, my pal from another gal." "You know, I just turned in my manuscript," "And I'm supposed to meet with the publisher later this week." "I'm just a nervous wreck." "Stop worrying, you know?" "I know he's going to love it." "You're a brilliant man, and I'm sure it's a brilliant book." "Do you really think so?" "Just don't tell duffy I was praising you" "Because sometimes she can be a real aunt." "Touché." "Hey, Donnelly." "Hi, fellas." "Today was a great day in gym." "I had this fat kid halfway up the rope," "And then I took the mat away." "He's still up there." "Ha ha!" "It was great!" "Sounds a little mean mean and sadistic." "And funny." "I get the feeling you're not terribly fond of these kids." "I'm not." "And you know why?" "'cause I used to be one of them." "So I know how rotten they are." "I got teased in gym class, too." "Because I was fat, and I was pretty." "Like all the donnelly men." "In fact, my dad was a dead ringer for shelley winters." "The "poseidon adventure" shelly winters?" "Is there any other?" "Listen." "I gotta ask you guys a favor." "Joy's mom is in from out of town," "And I need you to come over for dinner" "And be a little bit of a buffer." "I was thinking, like, Saturday night." "Are you guys free?" "Is the food free?" "Absolutely." "Then we're free." "Fabulous." "Joy Joy?" "I'm in here." "Honey?" "Hi." "I was going to ask you how your day went with your mom," "But I think I know the answer." "According to her, I need my hair done," "And my calves done, and my boobs," "My butt, my nose," "My eyes, my lips." "And then she got critical!" "I'm essentially a teardown." "Well, when you rebuild, can we put in a pool?" "Honey, I'm kidding." "Mwah!" "Eddie..." "I don't know if I can survive the next 2 days." "Honey, I've got good news for you." "I invited donnelly and whitey over for dinner." "And I figure with Doug and Ally, she'll be distracted." "And with a little luck, she won't even know you're there." "You know what?" "That's a good idea." "I mean, she likes attacking new people." "And you know, whitey's weird." "Ally's skinny." "Donnelly's irish." "And Doug is..." "Doug." "That's good work, babe." "Thanks." "Yeah?" "Sure." "Sure." "So, ok." "We gonna get out of bed now?" "No." "I'm tired," "And it's late." "Honey, it's only 4:30." "Yeah, well." "I've eaten 6 meals and put away half a pint of gin." "I'm done for the day." "Hey, guys." "There's a "matlock" marathon on channel 32." "Ooh, look at that flat-screen television." "Let's watch it in here." "Come on." "Move over, you handsome devil." "Ok." "All right." "Oh, that's good." "Who has the clicker?" "Give her the clicker." "Ok." "Oh, that andy griffith is yummy." "I'd like to show him my mayberry." "Well, I finished your manuscript last night, Eddie," "And, I um..." "Loved it." "Miles, I really appreciate this." "I put my heart and soul into this book." "Please." "I mean, it shows." "I mean, if I was a zeppelin scholar," "This would be my favorite book on earth." "That is... that is music to my ears." "Thank you." "Well, I can go further." "If I was a dirigible aficionado," "You, my friend, have written the bible." "I'm speechless." "Yeah, I'm not." "Let me ask you a question, Eddie." "Exactly how many blimp aficionados" "Do you think there are in the world?" "Wow." "I don't know." "100,000?" "27." "And I got that number from our research department." "12 of them are blimp pilots," "And the rest of them are lunatics." "So that means we have to charge at least $15,000 a book" "For either one of us to make even a nickel on this." "Oh, that's..." "that's not good." "No." "It's bad." "It's...it's bad." "But you know something?" "I never bring up a problem unless I have a solution." "Well, color me intrigued, miles." "First of all, lose the hindenburg angle." "But that's what the book is about." "Eddie, let me tell you a little story." "Last year we had this guy come in here." "And he wrote a book about the amphibious life" "In the amazon rain forest." "And you know, it was thoroughly researched." "I mean, it was just impeccable the way he did his work." "The writing, the pictures." "It was perfect." "And I just made one little change," "And it wound up selling over half a million copies." "Wow, what did you do?" "Well, first I changed the name to "fritzy the frog."" "And you know, I reduced the number of words in the manuscript" "From over 100,000 to one." "I don't know." "I guess I can call my book "harry the hindenburg."" "Boy, you've really got a bug up your ass about the hindenburg, don't you?" "But that's cool." "That's fine." "That's fine, really." "Just do me a favor." "Just follow this out to its logical conclusion, ok?" "Hey, kids, here is harry the hindenburg," "Our beloved main character," "And he just flies through the lofty clouds." "âª la-la-lee, la-la-loo, la-la-la âª" "Then he bursts into flames, and he dies all over new jersey!" "Boy, won't that be fun, kids?" "I don't know what to say." "Here's what you say." ""I want to be a best-selling author" ""of a classic children's book called 'benny the blimp'" ""instead of a silly high school teacher" ""who wrote a boring book" "That was rejected by the publisher who's now suing him."" "Can mine at least go ka-boom?" "Ka-boom." "Welcome to our humble chapeau." "Good line." "Come on in." "Make yourself comfortable." "This looks like the inside of a pinata." "That's sweet." "Can I get you anything?" "You got any percocet?" "No." "I'm good." "Look, since we're here, I'd to talk to you about something." "I am very worried about your mother." "Because of her drinking?" "No." "Mood swings?" "No." "Slutty clothes?" "General sense of ennui?" "No." "Her gas thing?" "Oh, her eating habits?" "Suspended license?" "What?" "Color-blindness?" "Superiority complex?" "Inferiority comple" "I know..." "her fear of norwegians." "No." "What I wanted to talk to you about is her hypersensitivity" "About everything that's wrong with her." "And that's another thing that's wrong with her!" "Grammy, all I can say is I think things could be a little better" "Between the two of you if you were a little less judgmental" "And a little more complimentary." "And it would also help if you could show some tolerance for mom." "And maybe the human race in general." "All right." "You're right." "I'm gonna try, ok?" "Good." "You know what it smells like in here?" "What?" "Bob marley." "Oh, did you know bob marley?" "I knew him intimately, but not very well." "Help grammy up." "I've got a backache." "And I got to go in the house and rest these girls on the table for a while." "Ok?" "Let's go." "Salud." "That's good." "Joy, drinking with you like this reminds me" "Of the night your prom date was -show." "In hindsight, it probably was a mistake to give it up to him that afternoon." "You live and you learn." "Believe me, I've found myself alone in motels rooms" "At 11:00 on Sunday mornings," "Waiting for some guy to bring me back smokes." "But, hey, that's what high school is for." "Have you heard from my dad?" "Yeah." "He got married again." "Really?" "Yeah." "He married a whore." "Mom, you can't call all the women dad marries "whores."" "This woman is an actual whore." "I'm not being judgmental." "That's her job." "That's what it says on her w-2." ""occupation:" "Whore."" "Where did he meet her?" "In a whore house." "That's where whores hang out." "Mom, take it down a notch, ok?" "This is my father we're talking about." "All right." "Truthfully, I wish him the best." "Really?" "Yeah." "The man has every right to live" "The way he wants to live." "That's very evolved of you." "I'm surprised." "Well, you know." "I'm trying to be less critical of everyone," "Including your father." "Well, you know what?" "That sounds great me." "You know, I always thought he'd come back to me." "Did you want him to come back?" "Not until now." "Joy, I want to ask you something." "What did you do right in your marriage" "That I did wrong?" "God, I don't know." "Well, Eddie and I make each other laugh." "You know, the only time I made your daddy laugh was when I fell." "Is that why we always went ice skating?" "I love you." "I love you." "Let's drink." "This is good." "I don't know." "Why is Sunday morning" "The best time to drive on the highway?" "Oh, 'cause the catholics are in church," "The jews are in the hamptons," "The puerto ricans can't get their cars started," "And the polacks think it's Saturday." "That's..." "Hysterical!" "And you know why?" "Because it's true!" "It's so true!" "No." "No." "No." "No, it's not." "It's not true." "What planet are you from?" "The one they fought a war" "So all the hippies on your planet could grow their hair long" "And smoke dope all day!" "Well, I hate to walk out on pothead vs. Hothead," "But I told duffy I'd be back by midnight." "Come on, whitey." "What the matter?" "If you're late, she doesn't spank you?" "That's right." "And tonight's hairbrush night." "Come on, Whitey, don't go!" "We're gonne move into the lounge and start some serious drinking." "Yeah, but the later I am, the angrier..." "She gets." "Yeah." "I will sit down..." "While I can." "Ally, go get your ukulele, honey." "Ok, daddy." "Oh, want me to go get my guitar?" "I'd rather you go get your suitcase." "Come on, everybody." "Into the living room." "Well, now I'm going to sing a song that grammy taught me" "When I was a little girl," "And it's based on a true experience that she had" "While in "lost wages," nevada." "âª I had an inappropriate sexual relationship âª âª with elvis presley's ectomorphic twin âª âª his name was little elvis âª âª and he lived inside the jumpsuit âª" "âª underneath big elvis' chin âª âª I was backstage in vegas, waiting for an autograph âª âª when little elvis told me I was cute âª" "âª he made a little smalltalk and a peanut butter sandwich âª âª and we sat around and talked inside the suit âª âª a little while later, my knees were really knocking âª" "âª the guy knew how to get the job done âª âª so when I got out of the jumpsuit âª âª I went into the convent âª âª and spent the next 10 years as a nun âª" "âª till I found out what "none" meant âª" "Thank you very much." "Once again, we drank them under the table." "Even the irishman." "Of course we did." "It was fun." "And you know, the best thing is that I think you hate me" "Just a little bit less." "Ma, I never hated you." "I just was afraid of turning into you." "I'm not so afraid anymore." "I just wanted you to be better than me." "That's why I set the bar so low." "Oh, good!" "You're still awake." "That's what your father used to say when we had sex." "Stop!" "So we've been up all night working on a song that we wrote for you." "That's sweet." "We know that you're leaving tomorrow," "So we wrote you a little good-bye song." "That's so nice." "Ally takes after us." "She's very talented." "And Doug is Doug." "Well, let's hear this song." "Ok. 1, 2, 3, 4." "âª we'll miss your smile, we'll miss your shoes âª âª but not the way you always bash the jews âª âª good-bye, grammy âª" "âª we'll miss your jokes, they always please âª âª unless, of course, you're knocking the chinese âª âª good-bye, grammy âª âª we'll miss you every night, we'll miss you every day âª" "âª we hope when you leave us things will be ok-k-k âª" ""kkk!" ha ha!" "âª good-bye, grammy âª âª we're sending you away with everything you need âª âª homemade brownies, hydroponically âª âª it's for your glaucoma âª" "âª so don't cry or say "hi" âª âª this is good-bye-bye-bye âª âª good-bye, grammy âª âª good-bye, grammy âª" "I loved it!" "I loved it!" "I'm gonna miss you guys." "So much." "Miss you, too." "Where are the brownies?" "âª I'm just a girl who can't say "no" âª âª I'm in a terrible fix âª âª I always say, "come on, let's go" âª" "âª just when I ought to say "nix" âª âª when a fella tries to kiss a girl âª âª I know she ought to give his face a smack âª" "âª but as soon as someone kisses me âª âª I somehow wanna-wanna kiss him back âª âª I can't resist a romeo âª âª in a sombrero and chaps âª oh, chaps!"