"I'M THE ONE YOU WANT" "I'M THE ONE YOU WANT" "I remember that Daniel was there." "It was his first year in 8th grade." "I was his English teacher." "He was a quiet student." "A bit shy and did well at school." "He was kind of withdrawn." "I had a favourable opinion of him." "As I had of many other students." "What happened with Daniel..." "They are just so young when they start 8th grade." "Both the girls and the boys are young." "But Daniel just grew up very quickly." "He got broad shoulders, grew to over 1.90 meters tall, " "And he let his hair grow long." "There was just something about him that I found beautiful." "...it was fascinating, and it made me notice him." "I remember something that happened in class." "He was taking off his wool jumper." "When he pulled it off, his t-shirt also crept up." "I got startled, and didn't like it." "I just thought..." "I wouldn't react this way" " On seeing the stomach of any of the other boys." "Daniel gradually became a challenging pupil." "He was grown up, he was knowledgeable." "He read newspapers and watch documentaries." "He was so much more informed than the other boys moping around." "He used to challenge me." "He would say "Do you know that for sure." "Henrietta?"" "He could say it in front of the whole class." "Other teachers were wary of him at times." "He could ask the most critical questions." "And he would look me straight in the eye, " " And it made me wonder what I'd done wrong." "And that made me focus so much on him liking me." "Primarily, as a teacher and for my skills." "I wanted him to think that I was knowledgeable, " " And that my lessons were interesting." ""I will make sure you have your hands full"" ""You will not be sleeping in my class '" "The other students probably noticed that he got more attent on." "They knew that him and I could have a conversation." "That he was interested in the same things I was." "He listened to very different music to the others." "He could even listen to Leonard Cohen." ""Daniel is so mature."" ""Daniel understands..." I think he got a lot of stick." "But also admiration." "And he liked that even though he was shy and quiet." "What also happened that winter." "Was that got engaged." "I was going to get married that summer." "But all that time I felt..." "I felt depressed." "Like my life was nearly over." "I should have been happy I was 32 years old, and getting married." "Things were falling into place." "But it just didn't feel like it." "Not at all." "My life just felt empty." "In a way, I felt like I was in a prison." "Well, almost..." "Things were just tightening around me." "It was like my life was put in a box." "Or something." "And then..." "And my feelings for the guy I was marrying, had just waned over time." "It became very clear to me that I didn't feel- what I should be feeling for him." "So I was in a weird state of mind already that winter." "I started looking at my student." "And becoming obsessed with him." "I felt it weird and uncomfortable." "It was embarrassing." "In a way." "But it was totally innocent." "And a I just in my head." "But then..." "Started saying some things to my girlfriends." "That I was taking a particular interest in a student." "Some of them thought it was just..." "That it was cool, funny and crazy." "I can't remember the words I used when I spoke of him." "I hadn't fallen in love then." "That came later." "At that stage it was more like..." ""Shit!"" ""I'm attracted to a boy in my class."" "'He's so handsome and extremely interesting."" "And then..." "We went out one night." "Went to the toilet." "And the guy I was engaged to" " Had overheard me talking about this to a girlfriend." ""Henrietta, I heard you talking about someone else"" ""Yes." "That's right," I said." "I do give one of my students a bit more attention than the others." "I admitted that I was attracted to him, " "And that I found it strange." "His initial reaction was that it was totally normal." "He was studying theology to become a priest." "He'd worked a lot with youngsters in the church." "He said it was really common." "Some mature earlier than others." "And you get good chemistry with them." "He'd felt the same for a girl in his choir." "It was totally normal, and he told me not to think too much about it." "I just had to let it play out and get over it." "So..." "Months went by and spring came along." "We were getting closer to the wedding." "And I got more and more stressed." "I said to my fiancé that perhaps we shouldn't get married after all." "Maybe we could just live together." "This could become the worst day of my life." "But he told me just to calm down." "And said had cold feet." "My girlfriends said exactly the same." "They didn't see the connection between not wanting to get married, " " And the student I kept talking about." "I can understand that." "But I kept getting more stressed." "I put on weight too." "I just felt unwell." "I wanted to get married less and less." "And my thoughts about Daniel were confusing, to say the least." "I tried to ignore it." "I tried to not look at him in the classroom." "I thought it would make it easier to get over him." "I can't remember when it happened." "But he suddenly just got up." "And then he said loudly." ""You just don't see me You don't see me."" ""You have no idea how much I see you."" ""I'm just trying not to see you."" "One day I was just exhausted at school." "I had been awake crying all night." "I was completely overwhelmed by the situation." "And when got to work." "His teacher was ill." "They asked if I could teach both classes at the same time." "That day, no one did what they were supposed to do." "And I wasn't in the space I was supposed to be." "It became more and more chaotic." "And so I started crying." "I just had to leave." "I had never done that before." "After that lesson." "He stayed behind in the classroom." "He took his time packing up his bag..." "He asked me what had happened." "It was the first time he showed interest in me as a person." "I just said it had been a rough day." "That I was tired." "I think that's all I said." "Just that I felt a bit down." "And he said Teachers are a so allowed bad days."" ""Why didn't you stay home?"" "And then we ended up talking for 45 minutes." "Afterwards I was completely spaced out." "It was the first time we'd spoken as normal people." "Not just as teacher and student." "And to me." "That was so nice." "But why did I feel so strongly about it?" "It wasn't that special." "In the lesson when I stormed out crying, " " Him and his mates had talked about my boobs." "That they were big, and..." "They were wondering if they were pale, and how they looked." "And he thought that may be why I'd got upset and stormed out." "But I told him that I hadn't heard their discussion." "So that was all he wanted to know." "It was early summer, and I tried on wedding dresses whilst crying." "I told people didn't want to go through with it." "Was being very clear but I felt like had no choice." "We'd been to see the church." "And had sorted out the food." "We'd invited 90 guests." "We'd been together since high school." "We broke up for a few years, but he was a ways my dream man." "He was handsome, he played with the kids in my family at gatherings, " " And always spoke at length with my mum." "My girlfriends liked him and thought I was really lucky." "We had a lot of joint friends, " " So when we got back together." "Everyone were so pleased." "I lost my dad at 16 years of age." "I guess my parents didn't have the best of marriages." "All my siblings are married but..." "Still, my relationship was going to be perfect." "Was marrying the son of a priest, who himself was becoming a priest." "My mum, and everybody else." "Were so pleased." "But me and my fiancé had next to no sex during the last year." "It was just..." "It came to a complete stop." "There was no reaction down there anymore." "I went to see a specialist." "My GP just said:" ""It will get sorted when you have kids."" ""It will be fine after that." "Don't worry about it."" "But the Swedish specialist spoke to, said:" ""You are sad."" ""You are sad and depressed in your nether regions '" "She wanted to refer me to both a psychologist and a sexologist." "And a though the wedding was only two weeks away, " "She felt that needed to cancel it." "But I told her that it wasn't an option." "It was..." "It was really strange." "Not a single bone in my body wanted sex with my fiancé" "And at the same time I had such strong feelings" "For a boy who was only 15 years old." "It wasn't a great feeling." "But I didn't feel the way I did because he was 15." "He looked much older He was 1.90 meters tall." "He had broad shoulders." "Long hair, and all of that." "But he was still a boy of 15, right?" "I did fantasize quite a bit about him." "But it was quite innocent." "It was mainly about being close to him." "The physical feelings the erotic attract on, " " Got stronger only after quite some time." ""This is how it is."" ""It's still there." "We've talked about it before, but it won't go away. '" ""It's not over yet."" "But he just said:" ""You must understand that he will never want someone like you. '" ""He will probably think its gross."" "It wasn't a nice thing to hear." "As I already felt gross." "And then I got this on top of it." "He said it would never happen." "I just had to work my way through it." "He told me to keep it to myself." "And get over it." "I'm sure some knew that something was wrong on our wedding day." "My maid of honour, my best friend, " " Said that when they were waiting for me to arrive, " " My fiancé's mother had turned to my friends and asked:" ""Is she definitely coming?"" "That was really weird, as don't think she knew anything." "But I came." "I felt had no choice." "My fiancé had said "Just get up that isle."" ""That's enough of your whining and crying."" "So I got married, and..." "I was just glad when it was over and done with." "Day two, scene eight, take one." "Action." "That summer went ok." "The memory of Daniel faded gradually." "The summer holidays were long." "We had lots of lovely weather,   we were on honeymoon, and a lot of nice things happened." "But then I came back." "On the first day of school." "We went to Hovedoya." "We had a day of games." "Swimming, and other fun things." "And I remember that when I came home that day, " " All could do was to sit by the kitchen table and cry." ""This is not over." "It's nowhere near over. '" "It had gotten even worse." "I hadn't seen him for more than two months." "We went on a "White Buses" trip to Poland." "It was obviously a very emotional trip." "Even the coolest kids in class." "Reacted strongly." "They cried, and wanted to talk about it." "I cried as well." "They cried about the concentrate on camps,   whilst I cried because of my marriage and the situation I was in." "It was totally absurd." "And because I was in a concentrate on camp, " " I was alowed to cry." "I cried a lot more than everyone else." "I remember walking out behind the hotel to have a cigarette." "Daniel followed me and asked if was going to smoke." "I answered him yes, and he wanted to join me." "We stood behind the hotel smoking and talking." "We must have talked for over an hour." "We talked in a way that made me think there was something going on." "He asked what it was like to be married." "And told him it wasn't going so well." ""I don't know if feel what I should be feeling for a husband." "And I started telling him things I knew..." "I knew I was crossing a line as his teacher, " "But just couldn't care less." "It just felt so safe in the bubble we were in just then." "On our way home, our coach got a puncture." "So I walked around talking to my students." "I ended up sitting next to Daniel, and we started a knowledge game." ""How many states in the US can you name?"" ""How many countries in Africa do you know?"" "Just silly things to pass the time." "I sat there for several hours." "I remember a few of the other students reacting saying." ""You've sat there for ages." "What are you up to?"" "I just got more and more engrossed." "The world around me started to disappear." "I could think of nothing but him." "I couldnt focus on anything else." "When I got back from that trip, " " I told my husband that I had fallen in love." ""I am in love with a student." "And his name is Daniel."" ""I never want to hear his name again."" "I stopped eating, and my weight just dropped off." "I must have lost eight kilos in two months." "I couldn't sleep." "I got butterflies every time I thought of him." "I kept thinking about it but couldnt speak to anyone." ""What on earth do I do?"" "We're teacher and student, and theres nowhere to hide."" "So I sent him a text message." "I was upstairs and my husband watched TV downstairs." ""What is the capital of Uganda?"" ""Kampala." "How are you doing?"" "In the beginning it was purely friendship." ""Hi." "What are you up to this evening?"" "And I just got totaly obsessed with checking my mobile." "At parties I would go to the toilet to reply with my husband there." "We tried being completely normal at school." "But we had such a connection." "Our secret." "We kept playing the knowledge game for a month." "I knew I was creating a fantasy." "An escape." "In my life." "This is totally unrealistic." "It's insane." "What am I doing?" "If I meet him and we have a proper chat,   it might burst the bubble, and make me realise my stupidity." "So I figured we should meet up." "Of course I wanted to see him." "But at the same time." "I saw it as an opportunity to end it." "So in a text message I asked if he wanted to have a smoke after school." "And he said yes." "We met by the river, on a bench." "Where we were alone." "We smoked and we chatted." "It was a bit awkward at first but in the end it just wasn't." "His parents had recently divorced." "He wasn't exactly down, " " But he was a bit gloomy." "So we spoke a bit about that." "And it wasn't corny, it just became more natural." "From then on, we kept meeting by the river." "To chat and to smoke." "And I got more and more excited about our meetings." "It got colder and colder as winter approached." "I asked him if he wanted to come back to my house." "My husband was away." "And he agreed to come back with me." "And that was the first time I told him I had feelings for him." "I didn't say 'love'." "I just sad I had feelings for him." "And I asked him what his feelings were towards me." "I said it wasn't normal for a teacher and student" "To spend so much time together." "He said he wasn't sure." ""Are you attracted to me?" "Do you want to kiss me?"" ""Yes." "Can I kiss you?"" "And I said that he definitely couldn't." "But I asked him to have a think about what we were doing." "We had soft drinks, but I remember feeling totally drunk." "We went to the grocery store." "And I felt completely spaced out." "I went to London with a girlfriend the day after." "We just walked..." "I remember walking down Oxford Street." "We were trying to get tickets for "Lion King"." "It felt totally absurd." "Our contact resumed when I got back." "He asked if I wanted to go out for a beer." "He drank every weekend." "Said ok." "From then on, all my rules and standards went out the wndow." "But I remember..." "It was important to me that he bought his own beers." "That he was responsible for his own consumption." "In the middle of this madness, I tried holding on to a few rules." "My husband was away, so we were at my place." "We chitted..." "We chatted about things which mattered to us." "I remember getting emotional." "And he kissed me." "I think we kissed for 12 hours." "He spent the night." "But I wore a pyjama, and he wore boxer shorts." "Nothing happened." "We didn't touch anywhere." "We just kissed all through the night." "He was very physically strong and took charge. " " So I never felt I was kissing a little boy." "He had such passion." "I felt like he grabbed and pulled me..." "It was just amazing, and was drugged up on love." "This may sound strange, but I..." "I managed to isolate my nether region." "That was out of the question." "So I didn't actually crave sex." "The kissing was plenty." "We started meeting just to kiss." "Afternoons, evenings, Sundays..." "We met at school the day after." "But it was never awkward." "Because our parallel world was just really nice." "I made up excuses for my husband." "I was working late, doing stuff..." ""I think you're being unfaithful. '" ""I want you to tell me everything you do." "And stop sneaking around."" "And so I told him." "I said I had kissed Daniel, " " That he has stayed over but that nothing had happened." "I told him everything truthfully and our world was shattered." "This happened 2-3 days before he was to be ordained." "We had a lunch planned with the bishop." "I never went to put it that way." "He told his family there was someone else, but not who or what." "At that stage, my own family didn't know anything." "Our friends got involved." "And it was total crisis." "I hadn't told anyone that I had kissed him." "I had kept everything to myself until I told my husband." "But now everything just fell apart." "This happened just before Christmas." "And Christmas was just awful." "It was Boxing day, my husband got really drunk, " " And threw his wedding ring at me in front of my family." "He dragged me out in the snow." "And showed snow in my mouth." "He tried to cleanse me of what had happened." "Poor mum, she was so down." "She didn't know what was going on." "But I couldn't say anything." "On New Year's Eve it got even worse." "We spent it with some friends who knew our situation." "At the end of the evening he stood in the middle of the lounge, " "And told me to fuck off." "Daniel tried to get in touch over Christmas." "I had told him not to text." "Not to call, nothing." "But he still did, and it just made it worse." ""That student has called."" "I tried to explain that hadn't chosen a 15 year old student" " Over him." "That it was a totally separate story." "We had a marriage which we should never have entered into." "I never had the right feelings." "And I should have stopped it." "On the other hand we had this infatuation with no future." "I didn't choose a 15 year old to replace my husband." "After the new year, my husband called a marriage counsellor." "I was forced to go along." "After hearing my story, they said I needed treatment, " " And if I didn't go, they would report it to my school." "I had to commit to seeing a therapist." "My husband was so aggravated that we had to be in separate rooms." "So he had his own male therapist." "He was really..." "He reacted extremely strongly." "He drank, and he called me horrible names." "He said I was a paedophile." "I was scum." "And that I should be locked up." "He said the drug addicts in the city were worth more than me." "He went from being a lovely husband." "And an ordained priest, " "To something so evil." "He kicked me out of bed." "He threw things at me..." "In the end, I was just so out of it." "My husband moved into the rectory in March." "I remained in my flat, and was moving in when he was settled." "But I really didn't want to." "He had no respect for me anymore." "To him, we weren't equal any longer." "I was scum, and I was ill." "It was impossible for us to have a balanced relationship." "He had said and done too much..." "We couldn't fix it." "The damage was beyond repair." "My friends had turned their back on me." "Some were realy shocked and others didn't want to know." "I remember my best friend saying:" ""Tell me everything exactly how it is."" "And I did." "And she was terrified that I would be sent to jail." "For me, every time a barrier was broken, " " I thought to myself "Do you have any idea what you're doing?"" "But I just couldn't stop." "I wanted nothing else." "It was all I could think about." "And when couldn't see Daniel." "I cried day and night." "I was desperate to see him." "But I managed not to." "When my husband moved out." "Daniel and I got back in touch." "He came to mine as I lived alone." "We gradually undressed more and more." "He touched my breasts and we got more physical." "But I was still seeing my therapist." "So it was all an act." "I had promised not to see Daniel." "My therapist told me to roll my feelings into a small ball." "And then I was to put the ball in a drawer and shut it." "But how was I to manage that?" "We were so physicaly attracted to each other, " " And it not being allowed." "Just enhanced it." "I told my therapist that we had not had sex, just kissed." ""Who will believe that?"" ""Will they believe it in a trial?" "Will your colleagues believe you?"" "But it was true." "Shortly after this, Daniel said he was in love with me." "And I thought if no one will believe we have not had sex, then why wait?" "So we had sex for the first time one month before he turned 16." "It pains me to say it, but it's true." "He'd never had sex before." "So I expected it to be quick." "And over in three minutes." "But it must have lasted for 90 minutes." "And he never came." "Maybe not 90 minutes." "But definitely 68." "I know this." "Because we were listening to Red Hot Chili Peppers." "And the CD's 68 minutes long." "He..." "He was..." "He was a boy whod spent a lot of time thinking about sex." "He was 15 years old." "I hadn't had sex for years." "I felt totally asexual." "It went mad." "We had sex as much and as often as we could." "Every time he could come to my place." "Daniel's mum found some of my messages on his mobile phone." "They were completely innocent." "But she still questioned him." "And Daniel responded that him and were just very special friends." ""So you're just friends?" she asked." "He confirmed we were just friends." "And she was happy with that." "At that time, told Daniel I felt he needed to tell someone." "That he shouldn't carry this big secret by himself." "That it would eat him up alive." "We agreed that he would talk to Per about it." "Per was also..." "A grown up and mature boy." "And they were really good friends." "So he told Per, and his reaction was very good." "He liked me as a teacher and knew we had something." "On May 17th." "Per." "Daniel's friend, " "Got really really drunk." "He fell asleep at my place." "And that was really bad." "And..." "When he got back home." "Per's mum found out where he'd been." "She put so much pressure on him, " " As she felt there was something strange going on." "And he ended up telling her that Daniel and I had a relationship." "On the following Monday the principal called me into her office." "She said she had been informed that I had a relationship with a student." "And she asked me to confirm or deny it." "They also called Daniel in." "I was at the principal's office, " " And at the same time Daniel spoke to the school nurse and vice principal." "I admitted everything." "But Daniel said they were mistaken." "And that we were just friends." "They let him go..." "Then they called him back in an hour later." ""Henrietta has confirmed your relationship."" ""What would you like to say?"" ""I want you all to treat her with respect, " "And not say anything bad to her."" "I was referred to a psychologist." "And he told me to take leave." "They took me to the doctor." "I remember asking him if he thought I was crazy." "He said he didn't think I was crazy." "Just a bit unusual." "They talked to Daniel's mum too." "But she just told everyone to calm down." ""This is not the Third World War," was her reaction." "She is a psychiatric nurse she's a therapist." "She's seen things." "I was signed off work for two weeks." "The last two weeks before my students graduated." "They were told that I was hospitalised with a breakdown." "They had to say something." "I wasn't allowed to see them or say goodbye." "And then I received the notice of dismissal." "They wrote a full report, and I was allowed to a hearing, should I wish." "And I said I wanted to attend." "Not because I thought it would make any difference, " " But wanted to be there to present my case, " " And to show that I could still stand tall." "Went, and said I took responsibility for my actions." "I said I knew that it was wrong, " " But that nothing wrong had happened between myself and Daniel." "I knew it was wrong because of the age gap and because of my role, " " But I truly feel, that as a human being, " " Nothing wrong had taken place." "And to me that's very important." "I have taught another 54 students, " " And I've been a great teacher to them." "I had a conversation with Daniel's mum." "It was extremely tough to look her in the eye." "That was probably the hardest thing I had to do in that period." "I could have bowed of shame and embarrassment..." "But instead it became a very powerful meeting." "We sat for hours drinking wine." "Chatting and smoking." "She said he'd told her everything as it all became public." "Late one evening." "He'd come to her." "And just talked to her about it." "And she knew that Daniel was in love." "That for him, this was love." "Of course, she wished she'd found out in a different way." "But she decided early on that they would not press charges." "We made a statement to the Police in that respect." "As this case involved a serious "assault"..." "Because of the age gap and because of my role, " " I wouldn't just lose my job I would be sentenced to six years in jail." "My biggest problem became financial." "I wasn't making any money." "My papers documented what I'd done." "So I couldn't work as a teacher." "I wish my move from teaching was a bit more gradual, " " But understood and accepted my punishment." "But..." "I keep thinking..." "How long is my punishment?" "It's still in my papers." "It's like I can never get past it." "The story is too defining." "I started working at the DVLA." "And it was really depressing." "I was terrfied that anyone would find out about my story." "Maybe would be fired again." "And have to sell my flat." "So I just walked around with this story hanging over me." "I held on to it, and it became almost like a lump..." "Or something..." "Now I've carried this story with me for ten years." "And only now can I talk about it wthout crying." "But when I talk about it I can tell that I sit like this." "I told my story to a guy once." "And he said." ""Are you proud of your story?"" ""I'm not proud of what did, but I'm proud of how I handled it."" ""How dealt with it."" "He told me to stop keeping my head down." ""Keep your head held high."" "No one had ever said that to me." "People often say that since we've dated for 10 years, it should be ok." "But my feelings towards this story have not changed." "I'm still the same person." "So I'm not fine with others saying it should be ok now." "It if is, they should have trusted me back then." "If we had ended t..." "If we weren't still together..." "It would still have been a very powerfu experience for me " "Based on love." "It hasn't turned into love because we are still together." "It was always love." "It takes a strong 15 year old, in the period we didn't see each other " "To say..." "I'm the one you want." "You and I belong together." "But what we have done is illegal." "It's wrong." "He told me he'd wait for me to get ready." "And I said I wasn't sure that I would come." ""I know you will," he said." "It takes a strong 15 year old to say that to a woman." "Several times we've tried to end it." "But it hasnt worked and we are still together." "We are more together now than we've been for a long time." "And what I feel quite powerful." "Is that he..." "He was never given a hard time about what happened." "His friends and the others students knew." "It was public knowledge." "But no one told him off." ""Are you going out with your teacher?"" "But I think they thought it was kind of cool." "And my students have said that perhaps it wasn't so strange." "Daniel was unique." "He wasn't like the rest of us." "For him, all of this, has been nearly plain sailing."