"Oh, hey, you're back." "Wow." "You missed one hell of a night." "Yeah?" "What'd you do-- Watch "Providence," take a couple of antihistamines?" "And a glass of chardonnay with an ice cube." "It was like spring break for shut-ins." "How'd it go with your parents?" "Well, I thought I was gonna be sad, you know, going back to the house... dealing with the reality of their separation, but you know what?" "It actually turned out to be fairly devastating." "Oh, I'm sorry." "Yeah, they've put the house on the market, so they told us kids just to take anything that really means something to us." "Boy, I can't imagine doing that in my parent's house." "Mainly because I've already stolen everything I liked and everything else is crap." "Well, I had to fight for it, but I got something I love." "Oh, good." "Well, hopefully it Will be a reminder of all the good times that you and your family" "What the hell is that freaky thing?" "!" "His name's Squatsie." "When I was nine, my brothers and I all chipped in and got him for my parent's anniversary." "Even though he wasn't really their taste, they loved us so much they put him right in the front garden where everybody could see him." "Oh, that's sweet." "Do you think it'll fit down the chute, or should we just take it to the dumpster?" "WILL:" "Ok, I knew when I brought a gnome into this house, that some would scoff, but I love him!" "We have been through a lot together." "Haven't we, Squatsie?" "Right you are, Will." "You've always had a special place in me heart!" "Oh, good." "He talks, too." "And I think I see the perfect place for him." "Huh?" "what do you think, Squats?" "Oh, I like it here, Will." "Um, may I offer one Squatsie-related thought?" "Um, he strikes me as an outdoor gnome." "I mean, 'cause, look, he's already wearing a jacket." "Why don't we... keep him in our garden?" "What?" "That community garden plot across the street?" "I thought we got rid of that two years ago." "Eh, there was this big form you had to fill out." "It was less work just to pay the bill." "Once again your sloth pays off." "You know, this is a great idea." "I used to sit in the garden and look at my gnome, and look at the flowers, sing songs." "Thinking about falling in love some day." "I even used to make wishes on him." "Did you wish to be gay?" "Because that one really came true." "And, Karen, you know I wouldn't be asking for your help if I didn't feel we were like family." "I mean, God, all we've been through." "Oh, I know, honey." "You don't have to remind me." "Well, you know our history together" "Those summers we spent in Sag Harbor, you and Stan, me and Lorraine." "Oh, Lorraine." "Good times." "I'm sorry." "I have no idea who you are." "Norman." "Keep going." "Stan's old partner." "We started the mattress store together." "Mattress store..." "Remember?" "Then he wanted to branch out into other businesses, but I said, no, I'll just not take any chances." "So now I've got the one little store, and he's worth hundreds of millions of dollars." "Schmucky Norman!" "Of course!" "I need your help." "We're getting killed by the big guys, and I need the money to make a T.V. commercial." "Karen!" "Huge news!" "Hello, sir." "I just got back from my acting class, and my teacher-- Zandra-with-a-"Z" -- said my monologue was the second worst she's ever seen." "You hear that?" "I'm getting better." "Honey, give me a minute, ok?" "I'm catching up here with my dear old friend..." "Norman." "Norman!" "Norman." "Norman, right." "Listen, honey, since it means something to Stan, I'll throw a few shekels your way." "What kind of commercial are we talking?" "Oh, something simple for local cable, and because the store is called "Señor Mattress,"" "I could be lying on one of the high-end posturepedics wearing a sombrero, and Lorraine could come in all sexy and cootchie-cootchie and" "Honey, honey, I'm gonna stop you right there, otherwise I'll never be able to drink solid foods again." "I think we're gonna need a real actor." "Yeah, well, let's see." "Why don't you run on home, and we'll talk in a couple of days, ok?" "Oh, thank you, Karen." "I appreciate it." "Oh..." "Good-bye." "Good-bye, uh... uh..." "Norman!" "Norman!" "Whoo!" "Honey, we're having auditions again, so break out the rulers, and I'll heat up the oils." "No!" "Karen, what about me?" "!" "I could star in your commercial!" "No..." "I'm an actor!" "Do I need to remind you I almost just got that part in Seven Grooms for Seven Brothers?" "Till that damn 15th guy showed up." "Honey, this is not some trashy downtown skit where you flit around in tights performing for homeless men in cardboard RVs." "We need a virile, hunky, straight actor." "Uh, hello!" "I could totally play straight!" "Oh, honey, no one in the world would believe you're straight." "You're as gay as a clutch purse on Tony night." "You fell out of the gay tree hitting every gay branch on the way down." "And you landed on a gay guy." "And you did him." "No, no, honey, your gayness can be seen from space." "Why, you're so gay that" "And will you be needing your own trailer?" "Steve, I'm sorry we haven't been here in a while." "We meant to." "It's just that you know how life gets busy and exciting and gardening sort of gets pushed to the bottom of the list." "I wouldn't know." "This is all I have." "So which plot's ours?" "Right here." "Well, our sun-dried tomatoes came in." "I guess it's funny that you killed everything." "Ok..." "I may've gone a little overboard, but I figure we can afford it because of all the money we're gonna save growing our own food." "Well, you don't eat vegetables, so unless we can grow a Ring-Ding bush, I really don't see that happening." "Come on." "Dig in." "I want to make it pretty for Squatsie." "Yeah, let's get in there and start making things grow." "But I'm gonna do it from over here, because I don't want to get my new gardening clothes dirty." "Grace, come here, you wuss." "Get your fingers in the earth." "Connect with nature." "It's almost spiritual, really." "A worm!" "A worm!" "Kill it!" "Kill it!" "Hey!" "Hey, what are you doing getting dirt all over my prize-winning lettuce?" "!" "I'm sorry." "We just had a really close call with a worm the size of a-- a really small snake." "Hi, I'm Grace." "This is Will." "You know what?" "Let's get one thing straight, ok?" "I come here to be alone, not to socialize with a couple of freaks growing hippie spinach." "So keep your crap off my plot, and we'll get along fine." "Capisce?" "Did he just say, "capisce"?" "Oh, I love the Game Show Network." "Jack, when is your commercial gonna be on?" "You've already made us sit through eight episodes of "Match Game 73."" "If I have to watch one more, I'm gonna "blank" in my shorts." "Oh, wait!" "Here it is!" "Here it is!" "Has this ever happened to you?" "Honey, are you awake?" "Of course I'm awake." "I haven't slept in weeks." "Well, do you wanna" "No!" "I'm tired, and I'm irritable." "You're always tired and irritable." "I'm a man." "I have needs." "I don't care." "Until we get a new mattress, you're not gonna lay a hand on me." "Isn't there anyone out there who can help me?" "Why don't you just pop in the shower and help yourself?" "So come on down to Señor Mattress." "And I'll take care of all your needs." "Muchos gracias, Señor Mattress." "Gracias for everything!" "Honey, that was really moving." "You know, I think I got a little misty..." "Down there." "We should get going if we want to do some gardening." "Ok, let me just grab my hoe, and I'll be ready." "I'm ready." "Honey, you were right." "You were totally convincing as a hetero." "I was, wasn't I?" "And guess what?" "I got a little surprise for you." "Your first check, and, no, your eyes are not deceiving you." "Those are two zeroes after that "1."" "And listen to this." "For your next commercial, that "one" is going to become a "two,"" "and that second zero will disappear." "Ok?" "A second commercial?" "I don't think I can do that, Karen." "Huh?" "Huh?" "What?" "Gin?" "!" "I" " I think I made an awful mistake." "I was so convincing as a hetero." "Now no one will ever cast me as gay." "What in the hell are you talking about?" "I'm typecast!" "Pigeon-chested!" "Corn-holed!" "Now I'll never get a chance to play the gay romantic lead in a Hollywood blockbuster movie." "Or the gay general leading his gay troops into battle." "And you can kiss my gay action hero franchise good-bye." "No ornery black police captain Will ever say to me," "You a loose cannon, Bruce." "Turn in your badge and your chaps and get your gay ass out of my precinct." "Ok." "All righty." "I think I see what's happening here." "And, uh, here's what I'm gonna do." "For your next commercial I'm gonna put a "three" in front of that zero, ok?" "That's 30 dollars." "30 Canadian dollars." "No!" "There's not gonna be a next commercial!" "And if you were any kind of friend, you'd pull that one off the air!" "Ok." "Uh, I'm gonna tell you what I told Stan yesterday in prison..." "I ain't pulling' nothin'." "Since we started running that ad, mattress sales have doubled..." "To five!" "So you're gonna keep hawking' those beds, and you're gonna like it!" "Forget it!" "I quit!" "Oh, look!" "My ride's here, and it's a huff!" "I believe I'll leave in it!" "God, these bugs!" "Hey!" "Lock the gate when you leave!" "Last night you dinks left it open." "I don't want anyone swiping my prize-winning lettuce." "And your stinking dwarf is ruining the view from my garden." "Lose it!" "That guy is so mean!" "Just forget about him, Will." "You know, what does that guy know about sentimental attachments?" "Sorry." "There were two of them." "Thanks." "Did you get it?" "Get what?" "Oh!" "This" "This is driving me crazy." "I'm gonna go get some bug spray." "You want anything?" "Bactine and a Dove Bar." "I'll see you later, Squatsie." "I'll count the moments till you come back, Will." "Ok." "Get away!" "Got 'em..." "Will, I have some bad news." "What?" "That outfit isn't returnable?" "No, it's really bad." "So bad that, uh, even a Dove Bar won't help?" "I'm afraid so." "What is it?" "Aah!" "Oh, my God!" "Ok, look, I know you're upset" "How did this happen?" "Will, I" "Was" "Was it him?" "!" "Was it that mean guy that told us to lose it?" "!" "Oh, this is so hard for me to say, but..." "Yes." "Yes, it was." "Oh, Zandra, over here." "Zandra Zoggin, acting teacher extraordinario-- Class is full, don't bother asking!" "Zandra, please sit down right here." "Thank you." "Oh, excuse me." "Can I get you something to drink?" "Some coffee or something?" "ZANDRA:" "This better be good." "You're taking time away from my slow, agonizing march toward death." "Well, I won't keep you." "As you know, there's no one whose opinion I respect more than yours." "In fact..." "I've always considered you a father figure." "Oh, I'm not your fag hag, McFarland." "I am your acting teacher." "And get to the point!" "Ok." "I just did a commercial." "Played a strapping' straighty with a yen for the ladies, and, Zandra..." "I was good." "I was too good, I think." "And now I'm plagued with doubt." "Should I compromise my career goals for literally tens of dollars?" "I say no!" "So when they asked me to do a second commercial, I turned them down!" "And because you're my mentor, I wanted you to be the first to know." "You may praise me." "You stupid little ass monkey!" "Ow, Zandra!" "My cheekbones!" "You turned down a paying job?" "!" "40 years in this profession, and you are far and away the worst student I've ever had." "And now by some miracle of God, someone actually offered you a job and you turned them down?" "!" "If I still smoked, I would take my Parliament and stick it in your eye!" "Oh, what the hell." "I'm just gonna jab you with this dirty fork." "Wait!" "Zandra, what about all that stuff you're always saying about how we need to make tough choices in our careers?" "Well, that only applies to people who have careers!" "You go back to this brainless fart who gave you this part in the first place, and you get down on your knees... and you beg... like a gypsy in an airport... for your job back!" "No." "Please!" "Oh, my God." "His ear." "I'm sorry, Squatsie." "Here's a little prize for your lettuce." "Hey!" "What are you doing!" "Get off my land!" "I wasn't doing anything!" "Stay where you are, fella!" "This situation does not call for a whistle, and who comes for a whistle?" "!" "What's going on?" "I heard the whistle." "Nothing." "Nothing is going on." "He is trespassing!" "Probably trying to swipe some of my prize-winning lettuce." "Hey, I got your message." "What are you doing in the garden?" "I thought you weren't coming here anymore." "This guy is a thief." "I am not!" "What's going on?" "I'm calling the cops." "There's no need to call the cops." "I wasn't stealing anything." "Oh, yeah?" "Then what were you doing in here?" "!" "Yeah, what were you doing in here?" "What were you doing here?" "Because the" "I" " I was peeing!" "Ok?" "!" "I was gonna pee on his lettuce because he broke my gnome." "The only thing I have left from my parent's marriage, and he broke it!" "I come from a broken home, and now, thanks to you, I come from a broken gnome!" "I didn't break anything!" "I don't know what the hell you're talking about!" "Oh, please!" "Grace saw you do it!" "Grace, tell him!" "What did you see, Grace?" "Yeah!" "What'd you see?" "!" "I" " I" "I broke it, ok?" "!" "I broke it!" "I'm" "I'm the gnome-wrecker!" "And I was going to tell you, but you just-- you love that damn thing so much, and I didn't know how." "And since you were already so mad at him for being so mean, I just thought that you would-- you would go with it." "Why do you have to be so mean?" "!" "Yeah, why are you mean?" "Why are you so mean?" "MBecause I" " I" "I lost my job, ok?" "!" "I spent so much time with my prize-winning lettuce, that I" "I lost my job!" "I mean, yeah, yeah, I embezzled a little bit, but..." "It was mostly the lettuce." "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry, too." "Me" " Me, too." "I'm--I'm" "I'm really sorry." "You know, I've had a rough couple of days, too." "Oh, look." "Here's that commercial." "I wonder who they got to replace you?" "Has this ever happened to you?" "Honey, are you awake?" "Of course I'm awake." "I haven't slept in weeks." "Oh, well, do you wanna" "No!" "I'm tired, and I'm irritable." "You're always tired and irritable." "I'm a man." "I have needs." "Isn't there someone out there who can help me?"