"There is one graduate here today that has won every single honorNand award this school gives out." "is Van Wilder!" "NI cannot help but wish I could stay in high school forever." "there areNso many warm mammories..." "Memories I have of this place." "has a way of sneaking up on us." "yeah." "to be graduatingNwith some of the sharpest minds and swiftly darting tonguesNthat this school has to offer." "Listen to me ramble.NI am really giving you a mouthful." "Nit is my extreme pleasure" "graduating summa cum" "laude." "Our very own valedictorian." "graduates!" "Son.N" " Thanks. the sooner we won't be ableNto remember it." "Yeah." " You're not going to Amsterdam.N" " I can't." "Sheik Mohammad is buildingNan island outside of Dubai." "And I'm gonna help himNimport a million tons of sand." "Van." "Come on." "You're gonna haveNa great time without me." "Exploring nether regionsNin the Netherlands is not a bad way to spendNyour summer before college." "I still don't know why I can'tNjust skip college and come work for you." "Nwe could hang out... every Wilder manNhas graduated from Coolidge." "It's tradition." "And traditionNis something you just don't break. broke or blitzed"..." "N- "A Wilder never quits"." "Write that down." "well." "Look who just arrived." "do you haveNto go back to the college?" "Come back to Amsterdam with us." "Nbut I must." "I've been waiting 30 years for this." "but I can work with it." "Van Wilder." "I'm your new roommate." "All right." "Farley." "Smoke?" "man!" "This place is a pimper's paradise." "I'm gonna makeNsome of my special brownies." "My God!" "NWe've been invaded by Supercuts!" "ROTC." "WTF?" "The Honorable Dean Charles ReardonNrequests your presence immediately." "But I just put my slippers on." "as you ordered." "Return to your squad." "Mr. Wilder." "Nice of you to join us." "Coolidge College." "Chuck?" "Wilder?" "These are Reardon's Raiders." "They've won every ROTC war gameNfor the past three years." "They're my pride and joy." "Good doggies.NI especially like your Chihuahua." "Lady Liberty is a purebredNItalian greyhound." "I was talking about that guy." "Arnold!" "Secure Lady Liberty." "son." "Stay." "Wilder!" "I went to school hereNwith your father. just 'cause his family's nameNwas on that building over there." "You know what that nameNmeans to me?" "son.NI run this outfit now." "Nyou'll follow Reardon's Rules." "period." "Or you'll be the first WilderNwho fails to graduate from Coolidge." "do you follow me?" "sir!" "You prefer your mules titless!" "son." "I may not be able to kick you out of hereN'cause of your daddy and his dough." "Nand I'll make it so you'll pray to leave." "Out." "I'm glad we had this talk." "Means there won't beNany problems in the future." "thank you." "Farley?" "NThat's the smell of opportunity." "The smell of thousands of new girls.NThe..." "Hello." "self-appointed." "Farley Marley." " Jah Rastafari.N" " He's from Jamaica." " Right.N" " We're having a little frappuccinos.NWe would love it if you ladies came." "right?" "No!" "It's okay." "Wow." "This is embarrassing." "I can't believe nobody showed up." "it's about time." "Party?" "Yu Dum Fok!" "You came all the wayNhere from China." "Yes." "Village I grow up in boring as shit." "and boob on my butt." "come here." "Nhave to sleep in janitor closet." "Yu Dum Fok." "Yu." "American cat?" "Coolidge is number one party school!" "1979." "Wow!" "Girls used to have hair? but I don't thinkNthat's the case anymore." "No party?" "No beer bong?" " No boob on butt?" "N" " No." "I go to janitor closet now.NDrink "breach"." "Forget the "breach"." "it's toga time." "Nlend me your beers." "Welcome." "Nice jugs." "They contain the sacred bloodNof the lamb." "Do you wish to be purified?" "We here for boob on butt." "I think we're lost." "Come with me." "My sistersNwill take care of your friends." "Nbut in the past few years" "Coolidge has become a moreNreligious and conservative campus than it used to be." "I'd better take these." "Alcohol is the devil's mouthwash." "we're dry." "science has madeNincredible advancements in personal lubrication." "either." "and you're hooked." "Ndo not awaken love until it is ready"." " Amen.N" " Amen." "8:4." "Let she who is without sinNgrasp the first bone." "69." "Perhaps you and your friendsNshould look into a different school." "We have enough sinners here." "would you?" "You have a very impure spirit." "wretched holeNwaiting for you." "but you have to buy meNa drink first." "I think that can be arranged." "Now I know what a tampon feels like." "man." "no ganja." "Nthrowing blood on us?" "get sent home." "Hey!" "No one's drinking "breach!"NAnd no one's going home." "So what did you have in mind?" "We shake things up a bit." "Why don't we just buy some?" "Where's the fun in that?" "This almost as good as boob on butt." "Say hello to my little friend." "Sorry." "Don't forget to floss." "Dirk." "How's that big gun of yours?" "honeybear!" "Kaitlin." "So nice you could make it.NWe missed you in Bible study again." " Hymnal?" "N" " Whoa!" "Jezebel." " I believe this is yours.N" " Thanks." "hopeless romantic." " Kaitlin Hayes.N" " My girlfriend." "it's nice to see there areNsome Christians who still do charity work." "let's go." "before all the good seatsNare taken!" "thanks." "I brought my own." "Thank you. no.NAnd it isn't books." "But it's sin." "S" " I-N." "Sin." "it seems like they'll let justNabout anybody in school these days." "Except Jesus. and I find out that Jesus hasNa perfect GPA." "that standsNfor God Point Average." "amen." " Amen.N" " Amen." "But what is the number one sinNon campus today?" "it's sex." " Sex.N" " S-E-X." " Sex.N" " Sex." "Nthe sinning is beginning." "Amen!" " Amen.N" " Amen." "sisters." "sister!" " ... about to work in very..." "N" " Hallelujah!" " ... mysterious ways.N" " Hallelujah!" "sisters.NI want you to feel the Lord inside you." "Neven at this very moment." " Amen!" "N" " Amen!" "But we've got a secret becauseNwe've got Jesus on our side." "Can I get an amen?" " Amen!" "N" " Amen!" "they're feeling it right now!" "They got the power of the LordNdeep down inside them." " Amen!" "N" " Amen!" "hallelujah." " Hallelujah!" "N" " Hallelujah!" " I want each of you out there to pray.N" " Amen." "Pray that you might beNfeeling what they're feeling." " Amen!" "N" " Amen!" "they're talking to the big guy." " Amen!" "N" " Amen!" "the sisters are feelingNmighty good right now." "sisters!" "N" " Amen!" "It's time for some tits and mass." " Amen!" "N" " Amen!" " Amen!" "N" " Amen!" "sisters!" "That's what I'm talking about!" " Amen!" "N" " Amen!" "dear Lord." "'Cause these sisters are coming!" "NThese sisters are coming!" "These sisters are coming!" " Amen!" "N" " Amen!" "You know what these are?" "You know what these are?" "sir." "And I think experimentationNis healthy for any marriage." "but I know it was you." "NI will get to the bottom of this." "Nmay I recommend some Vaseline." "Nthe Dean has much more influence over a student's curriculum." "And I have got something specialNin store for you." "Something to build character.NSomething to make you a man." "left..." "I'm gonna take a stab in the darkNand say either." "if they thinkNthat we came to college to waste our time playing soldier then they..." "Are 100% correct." "Attention!" "Straight line!" "Eyes forward!" "I'm Corporal Hayes.NI will be your drill instructor. which is required to graduateNfrom this institution." "Are there any questions?" "soldier." "drill in private? I'm sure I can arrange for us to spendNa little one-on-one time together." "This a new experience for you?" "Yeah." "I usually go electric.NHelps get those hard-to-reach spots." "Hilarious." "I've met guys like you before." "The only person you care aboutNis yourself." " Something funny?" "N" " Yeah." "I just can't wait to prove you wrong." "We'll see." "you missed a spot." "Enjoy." "I'm sorry." "I ordered mine well-done." "I have better food in sweatshop." "Yu." "look what we have here." "I haven't seen this many turds since I wonNthat campus hot-dog eating contest." "I haven't seen this many pansiesNsince I was picking flowers yesterday." "and the... ladies? it's a little dry." "yum. but I guess they'll takeNwhatever they can get." "hi!" "What are you boys up to?" "we were just congratulatingNthese fine young soldiers here" "Lieutenant Friendly." "Lieutenant Friendly here evenNvolunteered to switch meals with me." "what a nice guy." "yum." "That is so good." "Dirk?" "God." "how was it?" "Always leading by example." "I..." "You bet we are!" "What game?" " There's a football game this weekend.N" " Really?" "These losers haven't wonNa game in years." "it's not about winningNor losing." "It's about supporting your school." "babe.NSchool spirit." "well I'm gonna get back to class." "Okay." "Bye." "queerbait?" "NYou're officially on my bad side." "but the concessionsNwill probably buy me a new Humvee." "Right." "I take bigger hits than these guysNfor breakfast." "it's not the team's fault." "come on!" "N" " They've got no inspiration." "It looks like the cheerleaders areNasking for a little divine intervention." "I'll be right back." "man?" "To fix this." "I have never seenNsuch a sorry display in all my life." "where's the fire?" "NWhere is the intensity?" "Nwhere are the tight ends?" "Your team needs you out there." "being a cheerleader isn'tNabout pigtails and pompoms." "Neven when they suck." "Especially when they suck." " Yeah.N" " Yeah." "do you think you can do that?" " Yes.N" " Yes." "Do you think you can give itNthe old college try?" " Yes.N" " Yes." "Nyou can help those guys score?" " Yes!" "N" " Yes!" "That's what I'm talking about." "we're gonna haveNto make a few cuts." "Who knew our cheerleaders were hot?" "Who knew our cheerleadersNwere women?" "guys.NThe girls have done their part." "Now it's your turn. they're throwing you a victory party." "three..." " Coolidge!" "N" " Coolidge!" "now." "but these cheerleaders are grinding itNharder than Juan Valdez." "What the..." "Sweet Jesus!" "that's what I'm talking about!" "Watch your head!" "give me a ride." "Hey!" "thanks." "How about a beer?" "In a bottle." "I shouldn't be here." "wait up!" "I'll walk you back to your dorm." "I'm sorry." "I just..." "I can't afford to doNanything that might jeopardize" " getting into officer-training school.N" " Understandable." "I must seemNlike such a Goody Two-shoes." "No." "I was gonna say prude." "you should readNThe Art of War by Sun Tzu." "All great warfareNis based on deception." "Offer the enemy bait to lure him." "Feign disorder and crush him"." "Or her." "He also says we cannot enter alliances until we know the designsNof our neighbors." "Good night." "You're not even going to let meNescort you to your room?" "what kind of a prudeNwould that make me?" "where'd you come from?" "huh?" "What the hell?" "my God." "You're my new best friend." "Here's to you." "Colossus." " Hey.N" " Hey." "Hi!" "Great party." "Don't thank me." "Thank tequila.NWhat's up?" "Found your pants." "and it worked." "She said I'd get laid tonight." " What's her major?" "N" " Pre-law." "Van." "I promise." "Wow!" "big man on campus." "I need your help." "berry" sexy." "berry" sexy." "Get lost!" "Get lost!" "Where your room?" "Nbut first I give her Connie ring ass." " Connie who?" "N" " Connie ring ass!" " Ring ass?" "N" " Ring ass!" "right!" "she run out!" "Show me what you did." "man!" "You're lucky you didn'tNsend her to the fucking hospital." "Where did you learn that?" " Sex "crass".N" " What sex "crass"? or in the same room as a female's hell hole. the act of procreation should only lastNfor a few seconds." "Nyou're doing it wrong." "Professor Downs!" "NThere's an emergency phone call." " Your wife was in an accident.N" " Tell her I'll call her later." " And she totaled your Mustang.N" " That bitch!" "turn to pages 20 to 22 and..." "N" " Hello." "Wake up!" "My name is Professor Wilder." "an MA and a PhD.NAnd I received a BJ from a double-D." "These are my teaching assistants." "Welcome to Sex 101." "This is hot." " Yeah!" "N" " Yeah!" "This is not." " No!" "N" " No!" "Hand?" "Bad!" "We call this maneuver "flanking"." "Who can name this position?" " Yu.N" " Glass Bottom Boat!" "And this one." "Analingus!" " And that one.N" " Mississippi Kiss the Gypsy." "Spraying Mantis.NHorny Dancer." "Superman." "The Gizzard of Oz!" "That's my favorite." "meet the glans." "work the shaft." "rub that clit." "You're learning!" "Nalways practice safe sex." "But clean up after yourselves.NCondoms are like newspapers. but you don't want them lying aroundNtomorrow morning." "Write that down." "Miss Hayes." "Nbut if you plan on being teacher's pet" " you really should stay after class.N" " Class?" "right?" "Nothing from that soft-core seminarNwould actually work in real life." "I give you tongue if you like. crude stereotypes and dirty limericks." "Which you took copious notes on." "This is all a game to you." "Van. it's worth doing right." "my father taught meNthat the best things in life are worth waiting for." "teach." "thank you." " I'm Yu.N" " I'm Dongmei." "Nbut there is something in the air tonight." "Something called... girl." "that's what the reggae musicNis all about." "Love and..." "Shrimp?" "Look at those." "Flamethrowers!" "Use the flamethrowers!" "sir?" "you look like a..." "Tramp!" "That's what I feel like sometimes." "Nbut it's like..." "I'm sorry.NI shouldn't be boring you with all this." "Here." "I have a little surprise for us." "Sweet and sour." "fire!" "what's gotten into you?" "Let's just say I learnedNa few things in class today." "I need my energy." "I have to passNthat obstacle course in the morning." "I'll give you an obstacle." "Don't." "I am so glad you weren't busy tonight." "Go ahead." "God." "Put some of Professor Van'sNmethods to the test last night?" "You wish." "What about you?" "I figured you'd be in Wilder HallNsucking beers with Susie Sorority." "Travel books." "I always had you peggedNas more of a Soldier of Fortune girl." "Traveling's one of the reasonsNwhy I wanna be in the military." "To see the world." "there are vacationsNthat don't involve machine guns." "right." "Nwinters in the Caribbean." "You probably spent summerNin Amsterdam." "I think it's important to familiarizeNoneself with international tongues." "isn't it?" "N" " Why shouldn't it be?" "right?" "Unless you believe in reincarnation." "I wanna come backNas a ThighMaster." "What?" "Hey!" "Wait up!" "you could beNa great leader if you just learned how to follow orders first." "actually." " Someone has father issues.N" " That makes two of us." " Excuse me?" "N" " Come on." "Nthe tough exterior." "You don't know anythingNabout my father or me." " You just see a uniform and..." "N" " You just see a name on a building." "why don't you surprise me?" "NI've never even been in Wilder Hall. here it is." "Student undergarments should beNas modest and unrevealing as possible"." " So?" "N" " So my sixth sense is telling me..." "I'm not." "it does this time." "Private." "I think it's time we take thingsNto the next level." "I have waited so longNto hear you say that." "I... you almost scaredNthe courage out of me." "I was just wonderingNif you could help me." " With what?" "N" " I need to talk to God." "So go talk to him." "I'm busy." "I need to feel him inside of me." "Don't you wanna help me find God?" " Listen." "I don't know what you're on..." "N" " Just fuck me!" "devil woman!" " Dirk!" "N" " Faster!" "You get back here!" "I bought you toilet paper." "it's not quilted." "Golly!" "I won't ask if you don't tell?" "put me down!" "Is this where you bring all the boys?" "you're a real comedian. sticking your tongueNin other people's property?" "Can someone get this guy a Tic Tac? Mr. Hot Crotch!" "Your party-boy bullshitNhas no place here at Coolidge." "And you're about to find outNthe hard way." "I wanna watch!" "This should teach youNnot to mess with my girl." "Hold him!" "Wilder." "Drink up!" "Had enough?" "would you?" "Screw it." "How your face feel?" "Like a punching bag." "Maybe you should find another girl." "Farley." "Dirk and Reardon and all the restNof those Cro-Magnon crotch diggers need to learn they can't runNthis place like Guantanamo U." "man!" "Who's been feedingNthat dog corn again?" "get some gloves." "girls!" "This is covert ops!" "I want it by the book!" "Now camo up!" "Let's go!" "sir!" "it smells.N" " Come on!" "Faster!" "Move!" "Yeah!" "Put it on!" "Mother of God!" "he's right." "It smells like..." "What do you want itNto smell like?" "Roses?" "Put it on!" "one mile left.NDouble time!" "Let's go!" " What happened to your face?" "N" " I ran into a tool." "Dirk!" "Nwe're in the middle of covert ops!" " What's that smell?" "N" " That smell?" " Yeah.N" " It's the smell of war!" "it smells like crap." " Is that corn?" "N" " Back to base showers now!" "huh?" "what are you doing here?" " It's against the rules.N" " I don't care about the rules." "no." "Don't you dare say that name to me!" "NI don't even wanna..." "I don't even wanna hear that name!" "calm down.N" " You're forbidden to see him again." "Excuse me?" "NYou can't tell me who to see." "Corporal." "I don't want you to see him.NYou don't talk to him." "Period!" "Or what?" "You'll beat him up again?" "Kaitlin!" " Yeah?" "N" " Yeah." "Dirk!" "what?" "You can't break up with me." "We have cuddle-wuddle timeNat 2100 hours." "Cuddle your gun." "and you can keepNMajor McHuggles!" "Where are the others?" "soldier." "Figured you needNa little one-on-one training." "You have 10 minutes to run the course." "Let's see if you can keep up." "Care to make it interesting?" "you have to let me take you out." "Njust a tour around campus." "And if you don't?" "I'll do latrine duty for a month." " You're on.N" " Great." "When do I start?" "You already have." "You're running out of time!" "I can't." "I don't have any... eight..." "Wilder!" "or what?" "I knew you had it in you." "Piece of cake." "Let me know if you find my right testicle." "milk dud.NI'll buy you an ice cream." "Mother!" "All right." "Lieutenant." "listening to their retard rock." "Nlike cousins in a closet." "Ndon't you?" "ironic T-shirts." "Nand I refuse to let that happen." "sir?" "all right." "It's that same rooster that's beenNsniffing around your hen house." "Looks like somebodyNneeds another beating!" "Forget it." "Beating him up is like beating off. we're just standing thereNwith our dicks in our hands." " No." "We need something more.N" " I could... sir." "boy." "You stupid?" "Wait a minute." "Isn't his roommate that pothead?" " Yeah.N" " Yeah." "I have got an idea." "your chariot awaits." " How did you get this?" "N" " Chuck lent it to me." "We go way back." "Thanks." "This is incredible." "You said you alwaysNwanted to see the world." "I thought we'd start with the tropics." "Nthe most important part." " What is it?" "N" " It's my own concoction." " I call it the amputated leg.N" " Why?" "you're flat on your ass." "Christ!" "Look at this place.NIt's like a homo's paradise." " You want a cosmo?" "N" " Put that down!" "Put it down!" "Get over here!" "Stupid ass." "You have the stuff?" "You have no ideaNwhere I had to hide this." "Put it over there in that plant thingy." "that's a variegated ficus.NIt really... hello." "I'd like to reportNthe possession of some illegal narcotics. no less." "God bless America." "Nit's pretty great." "Farley's the oneNwho scooped out the pineapple." "Coolidge." "I don't know." "People seem happier." "That's becauseNthey're thinking for themselves." "They don't have some father figureNtelling them what to do." "back to the father issues." "You know a little bit about mine." "let's see." "My father's a sergeant.NHis father was a sergeant." "He always wanted a sonNwho was an officer." "Guess I'm just trying to get it half right." "Nis this what makes you happy?" "Family makes me happy." "Tradition." "Tradition is something that keepsNgreeting-card companies in business." "Dad." "So quit busting my balls"." "I'll be sure to mention that whenNI have dinner with him this weekend." "You might wanna leave outNthe balls part." "We should have a toast." " To Coolidge.N" " To you." "To us." "Shall I take you home?" "there's somethingNthat I've heard about that I've been dying to see." "it's huge." "Farley and I both live here." "Yu uses the hot tub." "I think this is the bigger than some ofNthe military housing I grew up in." "I think it's a lot like me. and it could definitely use a woman's touch." "I've always wanted to do that." "The amputated leg strikes again." " Are your roommates around?" "N" " I sent them to the movies." " So they'll be back soon.N" " I sent them to all the movies." "That's good." "I always felt like someoneNwas gonna break down the door." "Don't move!" "Search the place." "Are you in some kind of trouble?" "or the library has seriouslyNchanged its overdue-book policy." "We got an anonymous tipNthat there are some illegal narcotics being hidden in the plant thingy." "sir." "False alarm." "You kids have a nice evening." "and don't forget to wrap it up." "What just happened?" "What wrong with Colossus?" "that dog is mad blazed." "He must've eaten a whole pound." "man.NI keep my stuff right here." "Hydroponic. but nobody screws my pooch." "It's Dirk." "It's gotta be." "He's trying to get even with meNfor breaking up with him." "You two broke up?" "Sorry to hear that." "I just can't believe he'd go this far." "I don't think he did." "I think old Dirky boy's playingNVanna to someone else's Sajak." "And now it's our turn to spin the wheel." "he wasn't arrested?" "We didn't find any drugs." "Nat such a fine institute" "NI'm surrounded by idiots?" "sir.N" " Send them in." "Get out." "You're incompetent." "One?" "I usually have two girls." "Me no disappoint." "Holy Schwarzkopf." "yeah." "hairy chest." "I like it!" "hairy chest." "I like it!" "Hello." "Is this Mrs. Reardon?" "strong Gl." "you Charlie ain't so bad." "Shame we had to beat you in 'Nam." " You want happy ending?" "N" " Does an Arab shit in the sand?" "only to feel." "Why your soldier not stand at attention?" "it will." "Very good." "This is something you'll like very much!" "I cannot wait very much." "Yeah." "Your soldier stand at attention now." "yeah." " You ready for mouth massage?" "N" " Bring it on." "Here it come." "easy there." " Feel good?" "N" " Watch it." "there." "No touching." "That feels good." "That is so hot." "Charles!" "So dirty." "I promise I will never make youNdo anything like that ever again. there is only one thingNin the world that I want." "God damn it!" "I want Wilder. he even turned my dog against me." "Wish we could just kick him out!" "There's gotta be some wayNI could just force him to leave." "I would love to see the lookNon his dad's face when he finds out his son is expelled." "I would love to see the lookNon Kaitlin's dad's face when he realizesNthat his daughter's new boyfriend isn't joining the Army." "Will you shut the hell..." " Whose dad?" "N" " Kaitlin's." "Lieutenant!" "I've got it." "We are gonna finish Wilder." "sir!" "NI have a very important mission for you." "I need you to find me some skanks." "Nbut it's your turn for guard duty." "No more special treatment." "Corporal.NJust be there." "It's set." "You think you can getNyour friends to go along?" "They'll do whatever I tell them to do." "Awesome." "Satan!" "What?" "What are you doing?" "Don't stop!" "Out of ammo." "Hand me your gun!" "Ten-hut!" "I taught him that." "What's wrong?" "It's Dirk. and he deliberatelyNscheduled me for guard duty." "So don't go." "guard duty isn't somethingNyou can just shrug off." "Nit can ruin your career." "It's serious." "Which is exactly how the boysNand I will treat it. but I think I can handle it." "don't you trust me?" "I trust you." "But we have dates tonight!" "Hot ones!" "trust me." "Nno matter what it says on the box." "Van!" "NHot ones." " Human females?" "N" " Hot ones." "Tell you what." "They can come along." "start!" "what exactly are we guarding?" "You will not get insideNColonel Reardon's Humvee." "You do not touch the Humvee.NYou do not look at the Humvee." "Then how are we supposedNto guard them?" "You do not look at the Humvee! or somebody's gonna have their assNhanded to 'em." "Any questions?" "Will you be the oneNdoing the ass handling?" "Wilder." "Yours is coming." "I am really starting to like that guy." "how's college?" "N" " It's great." "psychology..." "Dirk called me the other day." "Said you had broken up with him." "I met somebody else." "He a military man?" "He respects the military." "Ladies." "Irving!" "You invited the "dick" girls?" "This is a bad idea." "don't be such a dork." "heathen." "I just wanna know one thing." "Are you..." "Dad." "I'm happy.N" " That's great." "But are you still on trackNfor officer training school?" "guys." "Maybe we should slow downNjust a little bit." "god of war!" "Who amongst you shall engageNin body shots?" "soldier!" "Wanna fuck?" "No." "Thank you." "I do anal." "as you were." "I was on the other sideNof the restaurant." "I didn't see you." "sir." "Sergeant.NI didn't realize Miss Hayes came from such good stock." "sir." "Sergeant.NKaitlin is officer material all the way." "Her record is flawless." "you're about done here.NI was just heading back to the base." "Would you like a tour?" "You could seeNyour daughter's unit in action." "I don't think that's such a good idea." "sir.N" " Dad!" "I'm really proud of you." "Love to see it." "Come on." "Show off for your old man.NLet's go." " Please?" "N" " Okay." "sir." "okay?" " All right.N" " Okay." "You know what I wanna do to you?" "Leave me alone permanently?" "stop..." "Hey!" "No means no." "Van." "Pick up." "Miss Hayes." "Shall we?" "You're about to be very proudNabout what you'll see." "What in God's name... this is your unit?" "no!" "Van?" "You must be Kaitlin's father." "I thought you wereNa better leader than this." "I thought you were officer material." "Do you understandNwhat the consequences of this will be?" "I..." "N" " She will accept sir." "Wait." "I can explain." "let me explain." "sir." "Kaitlin." "Now." "You're disgusting." "Call me." "You realize it's my dutyNto make a report of this." "Gonna put a pretty big stainNon her pretty little record." "But it's about time you learn there areNsome people you don't fuck with." "What do you want from me?" "quit." "Running home to DaddyNwith your tail between your legs." "What if I say no?" "then I guess Miss Hayes'Nmilitary career will be coming to a rather premature and ignoble end." "Tell you what." "Having some people overNfor dinner tomorrow night to discuss our annual war games." "Why don't you give meNyour decision then?" "Good seeing you." "A Wilder never quits." "I've got someNaffirmative action for you." "I can affirm that your dumbass kidNwon't be getting any action at my school"." "Yo!" "Cap'n Crunch!" "I've made my decision." "Nonce and for all." "Nno more backstabbing." "Let's just get it all right out in the open." "I don't knowNwhat you're talking about." "Nand that's too bad." "But I'll be damnedNif I'm gonna sit around and let you and your little peonsNflush this school down the toilet will be a better officerNthan you ever were." "Nand my freakish dog combined." "Wilder." "Get out." "Games?" "You wanna play games?" "How aboutNone of your precious little war games?" "Loser leaves Coolidge." "For good." "What do you think about that?" "son." "I'd kick my own ass." "I'm sorry." "Wilder." "Finished." "Nin light of Mr. Wilder's behavior and I am giving youNmy official recommendation for officer training school." "sir." "But I'm afraid I'll have to decline." "The officer training schoolNonly accepts those who have received the most honorable training." "Your name on my recommendationNwould render me ineligible." "go fuck yourself!" "Kaitlin!" "Kaitlin." "Dad." "I'm so sorry." " He's right.N" " What?" "I wanted you to be a soldier." "I still do. then it ain't worth a damn." "You don't join the Army to follow.NYou join it to lead." "And the only way to leadNis to do what's right." "That's my girl." "None of this is gonna work." "We need a man who actually knowsNwhat the hell he's doing." "How about a woman?" "NI never touched her." "Okay?" "It was man rape." "Save it." "I only wanna know one thing." "Nneighbor?" "It seems he is." "enough of the soft stuff. so there's no wayNwe can take him head on." "We're gonna fight himNon our own terms." "What do we do?" "We do the only thing you guysNknow how to do." "We have fun." "Anyone who loses an armbandNwill be considered captured." "Whoever capturesNthe other team's general wins." "who's your general?" "sir!" "Your team will wear the yellow bands." "who's your general?" "That would be me." "Chuck?" "You miss me?" "Hey." "Your team will wear the orange bands." "The game beginsNwhen you hear the siren." "gentlemen." "Someone's going home today. right flank." "head on. let's just sayNthey have a head start." "Lieutenant Arnold will stay with me." "Nyou'll guard the Humvee." "there's the siren." "let's get these bastards!" " Raiders!" "N" " Raiders!" "we got reconNon the radio for you." "report." "Can you see their base?" "sir.N" " What's going on?" "they're firing at us?" "sir." "Jell-O shots." "Jell-O shots.NThey've got the blast!" "sir." "sir." "What the hell's he talking about?" "Sounds like they're having a goddamn..." "Party!" "where did all this sand come from?" "Thank Sheik Mohammad." "Who?" " How we doing?" "N" " We're up." "Give Reardon the feed." "Recon report." "Sir." "Something's happeningNwith the monitor." "hello." "they can't comeNto the phone right now." "Would you like to leave a message?" "How the hell did you eliminate my men?" "eliminate" is such an ugly word." "Van Wilder rules!" "You tell first squad to move in." "And have Benedict on standbyNwith my Humvee." "Corporal Benedict!" "sir!" "Stand by for deployment." "sir." "You heard him!" "NStand by for deployment!" "That way!" "guys!" "Come skinny-dipping!" "What the hell?" "I seen this in a porno once." " Have you seen this before?" "N" " Don't be scared." "baby." "Wait for me!" "damn it! not war." "Son of a bitch." "Gotta conga." "Hello!" "we found their general.N" " I hooked myself into a sand trap." "you jackass!" "Grab him!" "General." "I told you it was a sand trap." "Ladies." "I still got it." "did they get him?" "Not exactly." "sir.N" " Denied." "Denied!" "Wet your whistle?" "Where the hell is third squad?" "NThey should've been there by now." "Nthird squad took a little detour." "Wilder!" "what are you doingNjust standing there?" "Why don't you pussies get out thereNand get me Van Wilder?" " Go!" "N" " Get out there!" "Move!" "Move!" "man." "That means it's working." "I wouldn't go any farther if I were you." "who's gonna stop us?" "You?" "Exactly." "Is that all you've got?" "sir.N" " No!" "Get me Corporal Benedict." "We'll take the HumveeNand run right over 'em." "You're a genius." "Corporal Benedict." "Corporal Benedict!" "man?" "We all love you." "Yeah!" "sir." "Have you felt the helmets?" "it's so soft." "You fucking fruitcake!" "don't tell." "Chuck." "We got your boys.NWhy don't you and little Dirky surrender and join the party?" "Never." "Surrender?" "Surrender?" "I'd rather see my uncle naked again." "It was an accident." "Nyou have to come and get me." " Shall we?" "N" " Let's." "Get out there and stop them!" "Now!" "Go!" "He's a little pissant!" "Let me go with you." "but this is one fightNI need to finish on my own." " Go get him.N" " Let's do it." "There's the base!" "Kaitlin." "I knew you'd come back for me." "you go low?" "No." "This asshole's all mine." "Go." "I got it." "honeybear." "You got nothin'." " I could do this all day.N" " That'd be a first." "Essence of Traitor?" " Not so fast.N" " Chuck." "Get up." "Hot stuff." "You smell good." "Wish you fought this hardNin the bedroom." "this is why women will neverNmake it in the military." "You got nothing between your legs." "Shit!" "Nhoneybear." "Nice BB gun." "I got one just like it at home." "Maybe not." "Let me tell you what's wrongNwith you Wilders." "You think you can change the worldNjust because people like you." "Npeople are like cockroaches." "the rest will scatter." "what?" "I was texting.N" " Funny." "what?" "I was texting.N" " Funny." "But the last laugh is mine." "God damn dog!" "nobody screws my pooch." "Sit!" "Good boy." "Orange team wins!" "this isn't over." "Nyou are screwed in the head." "Hey!" "Listen up!" "I am doubling security!" "And I am rewriting the rule book!" "I'm gonna make the old CoolidgeNlook like Candy Land!" "And you can't stop me." "No." "But he can." "what the hell are you doing?" "NYou can't side with him." "soldier." "Now you're gonna haveNto sleep in it." "Officer!" "I'm not going anywhere." "Remember who stamps your paycheck." " Are you resisting arrest?" "N" " You're damned right I am!" "Thank you." "This is for putting up with your bullshit." "And this is for denying my kid's admission." "bitch?" "those were about some of theNmost outrageous tactics I've ever seen." "I'll be sure to note thatNin my recommendation for officer training school." "I believe I'll engage in a body shot." "Son." " Hey.N" " Hey." "my head of security." "I'm hereby tenderingNmy resignation for this assignment." "Very good." "sir." "Steve." "all right?" "Good." " Go!" "Go!" "Go!" "Go!" "Go!" "Go!" "Go!" "Go!" "N" " Go!" "Go!" "Go!" "Go!" "Go!" "Go!" "Yeah!" "what do you think?" "N" " About what?" "I think you've proven yourself here.NWanna come to work with me? and I've decided to stay in school." "A smart man once told me that tradition is something you just don't break." "Write that down." "Let's go." "you wanna get out of here?" "N" " And miss the party?" "Trust me." "There'll be more." "Dirk?" "Nbut something's about to come up." "something's about..." "Corporal!" "N" " I can't." "Stand..." "Remember when I said the best thingsNin life are worth waiting for?" " Yeah.N" " I think I've waited long enough." "Van!" "what are you doing?" "Put that away." "You're insane." "Not here." "all this stuff you've heard about CoolidgeNnot wanting to party is a lot of doggy dung." " Stand down.N" " I can't." "I'm flanking your ass." "Do you have any poison?" "my God." "I'm gonna need stitches. they are 100..." "Fuck me." "that scared me!" " Let's fuck!" "N" " That's weird." "Okay." "grab the boob." "Cut!" "It's a challenge to..." "I'm not sayingNthis is gonna be easy." "Nso that all of us may ball." "honey." "This a new experience for you?" "Yeah." "I usually use my old balls." "colonel balls." "NI'm just gonna show 'em my old balls!" "Nthis is kind of romantic." "watch those teeth.NOr take 'em out before you do anything." "bad boy?" "bad boy.N" " There you go." "God." "I haven't been thisNuncomfortable since Catholic school." "yeah?" Feels good." "Nbut I say "feels good"." "Lieutenant." "Holy shit!" "That thing pops!" "College is a team." "as a team." "I love the smell of gasolineNin the morning." "yeah." "You wanna go back to my houseNand eat some yogurt and watch Mean Girls?" "Nbut the guy in it sucks." "I think he's dreamy." "He scheduled me for guard duty." "What?" "grab a bottle of shiraz" " and maybe flip on The Hills?" "N" " No." "I hate those bitches." "He knew I was going to dinnerNtonight with..." "I think Brody Jenner's your competitionNfor Jaw Line of the Year. and just jerk off right in front of you.NIs that okay?" "You lick my dick 'cause you like taste." "turn around." "asshole dick-licker!" "I've got 13 Going on 30." "I've seen it." "I'll watch it again." "he's awesome in that." "You asshole dick-licker!" "Could be like this." "You and me always." "Nwe find a little pup tent and fuck for a week?" "Robert Levy's not paying meNenough to show my penis." "that's pre-cum." "You gotta eat dirtNbefore you drink champagne." "Sometimes you have got to stand upNas a man before you can lie down with a woman." "You gotta get your guard onNbefore your hard-on." "Nothing?" "You know..." "Hold on a second." "Wait." "Hold on." "What do you tell a womanNwith two black eyes?" "Nothing." "You already told her twice." "Hand me your gun." "I can't quit you." "N" ThE EnD ""