"Not exactly what I was looking for." "Wait a minute, Bob." "This is not the only option we've got for you." "Phil." "Uh... (CLEARS THROAT) Yeah." "Why do it like that, in grey asparagus, when you can do it completely differently in hunter green?" "Thank you for your time." " Bob..." " MAN:" "Bob?" "Have a seat." "Who's that?" "It's Chris Meyers, one of our brightest, young junior execs." "He's very, very bright." "You got 60 seconds." "Say hello to the Krayton koala." "He's soft, cuddly, absorbent." "I present to you the new face of Krayton bath tissue." "Wow!" "You got yourselves a client." "Yeah." " Yes!" " (ALL CHEER)" " Unbelievable." " He's a genius." " Hate to admit it, buddy." " Hey." " But you really saved my ass." " Ah!" "You've got a big raise coming to you, pal." "You better believe it, you cheap bastard." " Let's go get me pregnant." " Oh, sounds like a plan." "ALL: (CHANTING) Chris!" "Thank you." "Back to work." "Back to work." "ALL: (CHANTING) Chris!" "MAN:" "Chris!" "It's all I ever wanted." "Chris." "Chris!" "Hey, Phil." "What's up?" "What's up?" "It's crunch time, dude." "Krayton's coming in for the redesign pitch today." "Need that bad boy ASA quick as possible." "Yeah, no, I got all the versions you wanted done, exactly per your specs." "What's that one right there?" "Oh, I actually..." "I actually just did a design of my own, too." "Kind of was hoping to pitch Krayton." "Cool." "Cool." "Why don't you let me take a look at it?" "Maybe I can run it up to the big man." " Yeah, let us give the old look-see." " That's a great idea, Troy." "I'm just..." "I'm actually..." "I'm really psyched about this one." "And I was kind of hoping to just take it to him myself." "Well, credit will be given where credit's due." "It's just that..." "Fuck." "Look at that girl, Troy." " (SIGHS) - (GRUNTS)" "PHIL:" "I tell you what." "Why don't you practise the pitch on me?" "Let me hear it one time, make sure it's in tip-top shape." "You don't wanna go in there and pitch it to Krayton, look like an asshole." "Okay." "I'm Krayton, you're you." "Pitch me." "Well, get ready." "And razzle goes the dazzle." "Don't ever say that again." "I was trying to pick up the energy, but I heard it coming out, and it felt wrong." "What's with the goblin?" "Right there on the K." "No." "That's a koala bear." "Why is there a koala bear?" "Troy brings up a good point." "Well, I did a ton of research into buying trends for more intimate products like bath tissue." "Yeah." "Chris... (PHIL SIGHS)" "I hate to say this to you, buddy." "It's not that cuddly." "It's got black, soulless eyes." " Like a demon's eyes." " They are like a demon's eyes." "No, no, they're green." "Demons' eyes are red." "I think you're missing the point." "You gotta imagine yourself on the toilet, right?" "You got your pants around your ankles, and you just wanna do what?" "All you really want is to get the shit out of your butt." "You wanna relax." "You don't wanna have to worry about anything, especially an Australian devil bear coming up out of the toilet and clawing at your nut sack." "Well, I think that might just be your own very personal association with koala bears." " Is it?" " No." "No, that's the image I got, too, right away." "You got it, too?" " Yeah." " Troy got it." "I feel like you guys aren't letting this sink in." "It just sunk in." "Here's the thing." "Gotta call an audible." "Not gonna use this." "Let's go with the tried and true." "Should we vote?" "Tried and true." "All right." "Troy likes it." "I didn't know which way Troy was gonna go." "Thank you, Troy." "All right, just trying to look out for you, homey G." "Let's go, Troy." "I mean, I don't care if he's technically your superior." "You don't have to take that shit off him, man." "Well, technically, I do." "That's what superior means." "Ugh!" " Good morning, Chris." " Hey." "Jared." "Are you sleeping with Brenda again?" "No." "Not presently." "But I just gotta tell you, man, there is something about that girl." "She just unleashes something primal in me." "I know what you mean." "Hey." "Hey!" "What's up?" "(GIGGLES)" "You ladies gossiping again about all the hot guys in the office?" "Uh, busted." "Yeah." "Chris and I were just talking about stripping down to our bra and panties and having a little tickle fight." "If you're interested in joining, maybe refereeing?" "He's joking." "We've never tickled each other." "We would never do that." "Right." "Um..." "Anyway, I'm actually just here on official HR business." "Just to remind you guys about the big mystery meeting in the conference room at 4:00 p.m." " Hoo!" "Why all the secrecy?" " I don't know." "Crawford just says it's very important." "So just don't be late, okay?" "Okay." "It's a date." "Hmm?" " (SIGHS)" " What is wrong with you?" "I hate myself." "I'm a horrible person." "You have a heart." "That's about all you have right now." "Hey, Brenda." "Just a reminder, we have a 4:00 meeting in the conference room." "I remember." "Hey, did I show you the newest addition to the fam?" "No." "I'm calling him Sergeant Snuggles." "'Cause he's reporting for duty, like, every day." "Aw!" "Brenda, I didn't know you liked rabbits." "Oh, yeah, right, Lisa." "(LAUGHS)" "Did I ever show you this one?" " Oh, is that you?" " Yes." "And that there is Mr Bumbles." "He was my favourite." "When I was eight, I wanted to marry him." "But society would never allow that." "Well, you never know." "No." "Chris, why aren't you at the pitch?" "Phil said Krayton's not coming until 3:00." "No, it's on the books for 2:15." "What?" "Yeah." "They're all in the conference room." "Aw!" "In the wild, koala bears don't need to wipe their bottom." "But if they did, they would ask Koala Phil how to do it." " (ALL APPLAUDING)" " I like it!" "I like it!" "Thank you." "Thanks very much." "Thanks, everybody." "Gosh!" "How can he just so blatantly steal my work like that?" ""Koala Phil"?" "It's not even alliterative." "Yeah." "That's the real tragedy." "You know, he's just gonna homogenise it, and in the end, it's gonna look like every other koala." "All right." "You know what?" "Let's take care of Phil once and for all." "Call my buddy Regg." "He's an Algonquin Indian." "We tell him there's a white guy fucking up shit for you and your land." " He'll take care of it. 40 bucks." " You know what I'm gonna do?" "I'm gonna march right into Mr Crawford's office." "I'm gonna march right in." "I'm gonna tell him exactly what Phil did, just lay it right out." "You do it." "You do it." "Right this wrong." "We shall overcome!" " Where do you think you're going?" " I need to speak to him." "He's in a meeting." "Can you please open the door?" "Absolutely not." "Sounds like I'll make us a tee time, then." "Bring your wallet, bitch." "(CHUCKLES) I'm not a bitch." " LISA:" "Um, Mr Crawford?" " Yes?" "Chris wants a word with you." "Now, Chris, I believe you believe Koala Phil is your idea." "But sometimes, a person can think that they came up with something when it actually came from somewhere else." "Mr Crawford, that is not what happened here." "I..." "Now this sort of thing happens all the time." "For 25 years, I was convinced that I invented the BLT." "The bacon-lettuce-and-tomato sandwich?" "Absolutely positive." "I'd brag to women about it." "I tried to convince my friends." "Well, turns out it dates back to the 19th century." "I must've been exposed to it when I was a child, and forgotten." "The brain, you know." "So let's just let this one go, okay?" "Mr Crawford, Phil stole my work." "Why do you think" "I was given the Martin P. Shulman Award for Excellence in Business?" "For beating my meat in some goddamn jerk-off competition?" "It would be a very misleading name if that were the case." "Not that I couldn't hold my own in a competition like that." "I could." "I'd be able to perform, no problem." "I'm sure." "No." "I got this award because I know a thing or two about what I'm doing, God damn it." "And what I want from you, son, is for you to stop trying to sabotage Phil Trager." "And start trying to emulate him." "Prove to me that you deserve a place here on the Crawford team." "Go." "Go get 'em." "I did you a favour, bud." "You would've blown that pitch." "Now the koala lives on." "You had no right to do that." "You had no right." "Chris, what is with the selfish behaviour?" "The ideas within these walls are our ideas." "We're a family." "Yeah." "Oh, by the way, if you ever tattletale on me again, things are gonna get ugly." "Real F-ing ugly." "My entire adult life has been spent in packaging design." "I've come into this office every day at 7:00 sharp for the last 27 years." "And that could be any one of you." "Even you back there with the squidgy face." "If you can show the teamwork and leadership necessary to succeed in this tough economic climate." "But, frankly, I haven't seen much of that from any of you." "Except, of course, for Phil." "Come on, boss." "It's a team sport." "That's why, tomorrow, I'm sending all of you on a mandatory two-day, two-night teamwork leadership wilderness retreat." "What?" "Now, I will not be able to accompany you on this excursion." "But I turn it over to a man who will." "MAN:" "Thank you." "My name is Storm." "Storm Rothchild." "I'm a certified teamwork instructor." "Now, I know what you're thinking." ""This guy teaches about business?" "We went to Harvard University." Whatever." "Well, I'm here to tell you, I went to my own school, the school of the hard knocks." "I also took some classes at DeVry once." "Mostly web design." "But then some stuff came up." "You know, some personal stuff." "(SNORTS)" "Am I interrupting you?" "No." "No." "Can I see that, please?" "Yeah, I..." "It's not something..." "It's not..." "I just..." "Sorry about that." "You must have big rocks between your legs." "I..." "No." "You think you can stare me down, boy?" "Stare you down?" "No, I mean, you're just talking." "I'm just listening." "Shh!" "And I was..." "Okay." "I'm not staring you down." "Strike one." "Oh, shit." "STORM:" "I'm a military man." "Navy SEAL, Special Forces, you name it." "I've seen men die." "I've made men cry." "I will offer you the most intense wilderness experience allowed by law." "We'll fly off to an island where it will be you and me versus nature." "I will teach you negotiation." "Teamwork." "Leadership." "And if we're not too careful, we may have a little fun." "I will see you at 0600." "Dismissed." "Oh!" "Hang on." "We're gonna have a little soiree in honour of Phil and the Krayton deal at McCabe's." "Drinks are on the company." " Great!" " Yes!" "I don't know." "Teamwork." "Mortal Kombat is more like it." "Relax, Dale." "It's just a silly team-building exercise." "Word has it, there are some major cutbacks coming down the pike." "How you perform on this trip determines your future with this company." "(SCOFFS)" "If I were you, I'd really watch out." "Trying to steal Phil's thunder and all." "Yeah, all right, Dale." "We're just trying to have a good time." "I'm having a good time." "I wouldn't count on these drinks being for free." "That is a dark human being." "Just one more, and then cut me off, please." "Thank you." " Hey, guys." " Hey." "You ready for this big nature trip?" "Oh, I am shitting myself in anticipation." "I'm not much of a camper, but it could be fun, right?" "I'm not much of a camper either." "But luckily for us, Chris is." "In fact, this man was an Eagle Scout when he was, like, 25." "That's not true." "I was 19." "Then I cut it off." "They even made him a scoutmaster." "And he was taking boys out in the woods and stuff." "Well, it's really..." "I'd sound so..." " I'd stop talking about it." " Why don't you stop the humility act?" "'Cause he also won the Silver Badger, which is, like, the highest award that the Boy Scouts give out." " So, we're in good hands." " Beaver." "It's the Beaver." "Cool." "Excuse me?" "It's the Silver Beaver." "Minor distinction." "Silver Beaver?" "That's a terrible name." "I'm sorry." "If I knew that was the name, I would not have brought it up." "Thanks so much." "Well, it'll be really good to have you out there, Silver Beaver." "Oh, I'm sorry." "I can't believe I have to spend a weekend on an island with Phil." "You gotta relax, man." "Guy's not worth it." "Don't do that." "I don't wanna show up smelling like pot." "Well, you shouldn't have picked me up, then." "(SIGHS)" "You know he spends 200 bucks a month on Internet porn?" "And it's all Filipino anal brutality." " How do you know that?" " I can access everyone's email account." "What am I supposed to do, not read it?" "No." "Come on." "Let's go." "We're late." "(EXHALES LOUDLY)" "STORM:" "Come on!" "Let's move, people!" "This is a cargo plane." " Yup." " I'm not getting on that." "Come on, guys." "You can't live forever." "I agree with you, Lisa." "Jesus." "Get a load of the pilot." "We're all gonna die." "(PLANE RATTLING)" "You Okay?" "It's gonna be good." "We're gonna be all right." "(ALL GROAN)" "The bird has landed." "(EXHALES)" "Welcome to Big Mama Nature's house." "It's just us and the jungle now." " It's so humid." "I'm pitting out." " Where are we?" "I have no idea." "Hey, just remember I'm in charge here." " I think we got off on the wrong foot." " (SNIFFS) Is that..." "Am I smelling marijuana?" "No." "You've been night-riding on my watch, boy?" "Night-riding?" "No, sir." "No, sir." "Is that your goal in life?" "To get on top of my shit list?" "Mr Storm, I swear I was not night-riding." "I wouldn't do that." "Watch yourself, Kumar, because I've got my eye on you." "Okay." "Sorry, amigo." "But this is so much better stoned." "You're a dick." "PHIL:" "Psst!" "Psst!" "Chris!" "Come here." "Come here, I gotta talk to you." " Hey!" " What?" " I need your help." "Come here." " What are you doing?" "Dude, I know you're pissed at me, but we need to work as a team." "I need your binoculars." "Get down." "Get down." "This is important." "This is a business meeting." "Oh, my God." "Look at Traci's breasts." "I mean, is she pregnant, or what?" "Those are huge." "Just give me the binoculars." "Chris, please, okay?" "These are our co-workers." "We deserve this." " (SIGHS)" " Oh, yes, Ashley." "Yeah, feel those things." "There's a mammogram going on over there." "You know, I'm not comfortable lurking here." "Shh!" " Those are my binoculars." " I'm not comfortable either." "What if one of us pops a boner?" "Oh!" "And look who it is now." "It's little Jenny Wong, the Kung Fu Panda, 'cause she's Asian." " That's so racist." " You know, just once," "I would like to eat a fortune cookie out of Jenny Wong's butthole." "Jesus!" "Out of her butthole?" "It's not sanitary, but it'd be a hell of a good time." "That's debatable." "PHIL:" "Oh, boy." "And here comes the biggest slut of 'em all." "Here comes Lisa. (CHUCKLES)" "I don't know if you noticed on the plane." "We had a little moment." " Okay, I'll take them." "Let me take them." " Chris!" " Give them back to me, Chris." " You're not gonna look." "Chris, they're..." "I just wanna borrow 'em." "No!" "Let me..." "Just for a..." "LISA:" "Hey, Chris." "Hey, guys." "What are you doing back there?" "I just saw a blue-crowned motmot." " Gonna take a closer look." " A what?" "It's a bird." "Rare one." "Really very, very cool stuff." "Oh, hey, it looks like we're heading out." "Yeah." "What a psycho." "Don't push me, man." "Don't fucking push me." "Don't push me." "Well, I guess chivalry's dead!" "I thought we weren't speaking." "I can't carry your bag, then." " We are not speaking!" " Oh, then what are we doing now?" "(IMITATING) Oh, what are we doing now?" "That's how I talk?" "That's how I talk?" "My friends, welcome to our new home." " Ah!" "It's beautiful." " It's all right." "This might not be so bad, huh?" "(CHUCKLES)" "Look at this place!" "I'm holding the talking stick." "(SCREAMS)" "Talking stick attack?" "I'm watching you, huh?" "Being here reminds me of a famous story about some young boys being stuck in an island." "Before long, they turn into animals." "And from there, everything goes straight to hell." "And do you know which story I'm talking about?" "Right, right, right." "Pinocchio." "And the island was Pleasure Island." "They spend all day eating candy, playing pool." "And they turn into donkeys." "And then I don't remember." "I haven't seen it for a long time." "The whale was involved." "Anyway, this will not be happening here." "The next two days, you will be pushed to your limit!" "Are you ready to look at the devil in the eyes?" "Good." "Good night." "I hold the stick." "I hold the talking stick." "(SCREAMS)" "We are going to let out the primal scream to unleash the warrior inside us." "Miss Brenda." "(SCREAMS)" "Good." "(SCREAMS)" "Not bad." "(SCREAMS)" "You have issues." "Chris." "(SCREAMS MILDLY)" "Hey, come here." "I'm not really a screamer." "Scream like I'm squeezing into your balls." " You're laughing at me, boy?" " No." "(SCREAMS)" "Scream like I am squeezing into your balls!" "(SCREAMS)" " Better?" "Disappointing." "Go!" "Next." "(SCREAMS)" "(SCREAMS)" "My father used to make pancakes in the morning, but I was not allowed to eat any!" "Why?" "Not every Asian kid needs to learn how to play the violin, Mom!" "I wanted to learn how to play baseball!" "(CRYING)" "Troy." "Excellent." "Excellent." "You must trust your partner to get you safely through the trees, and you must trust yourself to guide your partner." "Yeah, shouldn't one of us not be blindfolded?" " That's my hat, sir." " It's my hat now." "What?" "Go!" " Hold on." "I can't see anything!" " (ALL TALKING INDISTINCTLY)" "Tree." " Troy, you're slowing us down!" " Sorry!" " This is a lawsuit, man!" " Tell that to the tiger!" "(TIGER ROARS PLAYING ON STEREO)" "WOMAN:" "Oh, my God!" "Oh, my God!" "(PEOPLE SCREAMING)" "Guys, you guys, you guys, there's no tiger." "Guys, there's no tiger!" "There's no tiger." "False alarm." "It's BS." " Stop freaking out..." " (EXPLOSION)" "Oh, my God!" "Did that lunatic set explosives?" "(ALL SCREAMING)" "I'd say that's a yes." "Move!" "Move, man, move!" "Inside, outside, inside outside." "STORM:" "Come on, people!" "It's not a game!" "It's a war!" "(GRUNTING LOUDLY)" "We have a winner." "(INAUDIBLE)" "Oh!" "Oh. my God!" "I'm so sorry." "I didn't see you lying there like that." "On the ground." "Completely motionless." "Quite possibly dead." " Chris, are you sure he's dead?" " Very dead." "That much I'm sure." "How the fuck are we gonna get out of here?" "People, people, please." "Let's don't lose our mind." "How are we gonna get home, Storm?" "Our pilot's dead." "Worst come to worst, I will fly you out of here." "You know how to fly?" "(CHUCKLES) Please." "Storm, I swear to God I saw a fricking tiger." " What?" " What?" " Tiger." " Yeah." "I saw it, too." "It was, like, 10 feet from Dale's tent." "It ran towards the cliff." " Guys, guys, guys." " (ALL TALKING INDISTINCTLY)" " Storm..." " Don't let your imagination run wild." "But just to make you feel better, let's go to see that tiger." "Why are we going to look at the tiger?" "Let's go the other way." "It makes zero sense." "You see?" "There is no tiger." "What are the chances of a dangerous animal in this island?" "Zero." "Okay?" " So just calm..." " (ROARS)" "(ALL EXCLAIM IN SHOCK)" "Holy shit!" "Nobody move." " No, no, no, no." " The beast is a gentle spirit." "He's scared." "Be not afraid, my noble jungle brother." "Your brother means no harm." " (ROARS) - (ALL EXCLAIM IN SHOCK)" "Help!" "Quickly!" "Stick a finger into the tiger's anus." " What?" " Stick your finger into the tiger's anus!" "Why in the hell would he want us to put a finger in his asshole?" "It's how you subdue an attacking dog!" "Troy, that's you." "Get in there and do that." "No, I don't want to!" " Troy, you have to!" " I don't wanna do it!" "It's okay, everyone." "It's over." "He won't come back." " (ROARS) - (SCREAMS)" "ALL:" "Whoa!" "(WATER SPLASHES)" " (ALL TALKING INDISTINCTLY) - (CRYING)" "First, the pilot dies." " Then the European dude dies." " TROY:" "No one's looking for us." "We're gonna die, then." "We're stuck with no way off." " We're stuck with no way off." " I know that!" "It's gonna be okay." "It's gonna be fine, hon." "(SOBBING)" " You think so?" " Do I think so?" "Does Bugs Bunny like carrots?" "Yeah." "He likes 'em a lot. (CHUCKLES) Likes 'em a lot." "LISA:" "I think if you just move past this fear..." "Right?" " ...you can reach inside you." " Yeah." "Find what it takes to get out of here." "How's everybody doing?" " Oh, we're great, Phil, thanks. (CRYING)" " Yeah." "We're fine, Phil." "Lisa, can I talk to you for a second, in private?" "Just really need to talk." "All right." " You gonna make it, hon?" " Oh, yeah." "Thank you so much, Lisa." " What's up?" " Let's go over here." "She's real fucked up, huh?" "Have a seat." "What's going on, Phil?" "How are you holding up?" "Great." "Thanks for asking, Phil." "Did you bring a bathing suit?" "Yeah." "You go bikini, or..." "Doesn't matter." "We're not gonna swim leisurely right now." "No." "Yeah." "I mean, it's not a vacation." "What do you need?" "Well, I was thinking, you know, every woman, no matter how strong she thinks she is, she wants some comfort from a man." "And, Lisa, I thought I could be that man for you." "Because here's the thing." " Lisa..." " Mmm-hmm." "I've fallen for you." " Okay." " I've fallen real hard." "Okay!" "Phil!" "You realise we're in a crisis right now, right?" "Skeeze out on your own time, man." "There's something seriously wrong with you." "You don't have to be a bitch about it." "No dice." "It's busted." "Old timer probably wasn't even using it." " Damn it!" "Are you sure?" " Yeah." "I used to do ham radio on the weekends with my dad." "It was like child abuse without the touching." "Oh, my God." "I'm sure somebody's coming for us." "Nobody knows where we are, and there's a tiger killing people!" "And there could be more tigers!" "And who knows who they're gonna kill next?" "It could be you, or you, or you!" "Any one of us!" "You guys, no one knows we're here!" "We are totally fucked!" "We are fucked!" "He's right." "He's right, you guys." "We're gonna die!" "(ALL TALKING INDISTINCTLY)" "Whoa, whoa, whoa." "Calm down, you guys." "Come on." "Come on." "We gotta stay calm." "But there is one person that can keep us safe, and that's me." "Now, as the highest ranking executive from the Crawford Design Group," " I am now officially in charge." " (HISSES)" " So, if you all do exactly as I say..." " (SCREAMS)" "What happened?" "She got bit by a snake!" " Go get my machete." " CHRIS:" "Brenda, let me see." " Man, it hurts!" "It hurts!" " Okay." "I know." "Let me see." "Ow!" "Okay, everybody, get back." "This isn't gonna be pretty." "Do it, Troy, right at the knee." " What?" " No." " Me?" " Yes, you!" "Do it now!" "(SCREAMS)" "No!" "Hey!" "Hang on!" "Nobody's cutting anyone's leg off." "Listen, Brenda, just take a deep breath, and describe to me exactly what the snake looked like." "It was big, and it had black swirls and dots on it." "You're wasting time." "The venom's spreading." " Do it now!" " (SCREAMS)" "Hey!" "Wait, no, listen." "She's describing a Python regius." "It's not poisonous." " Are you sure?" " Yeah." " I saw one of those on the way in here." " Thank God." "(GROANS) It really hurts!" "All right, well, then, I'm gonna piss on it." "It's the only way to help the pain." "Whoa, whoa, no." "That's for a jellyfish sting." "Knock it off." "I got Storm's first aid kit." " CHRIS:" "Okay." "Okay, what have we got?" " It's all just Dave Matthews bootlegs." "Okay, we're gonna improvise." "I'm really happy to piss on it, Brenda." "(SOBBING) No, Phil." "Okay." "What is that?" "It's woundwort." "It should help with the pain a bit." "Yeah, that's gross, Chris." "And it's not gonna work." "It's working." "It feels better." "Good." "Good." "It should prevent any infection." "You'll heal soon." " You wanna try and stand?" " Come on." "MAN:" "Okay, I'm impressed." "Okay." "Okay." "You're gonna be okay." "Thank you." "Did you learn that in the Scouts?" "You know, I picked up a thing or two." "Can you teach us how to do that kind of stuff?" "Yeah." "Yeah, sure." "Okay." "But, listen, you guys, the first rule of survival is, no matter what the situation, you cannot panic, okay?" "Maybe you should be in charge, then." "Hey, wait a second." "Let's not go crazy." "Yeah, I don't..." "We don't have to have..." "No, no, no." "Who here thinks Chris should be in charge?" "Okay, who thinks Phil should be in charge?" "Here we go." "Chris, Chris..." "ALL: (CHANTING) Chris." "Chris." "Chris." "Chris." "Chris." "Okay." "Okay." "Okay." "I..." "Chris." "Chris." "Chris." " Are you sure?" "Are you sure about this?" " Absolutely." "(ALL WHOOP)" "All right." "I got a few ideas." "Uh, yeah." "Yeah, I think this could work." "(BOTH CHUCKLE)" "That's it." "Keep feeding that fire." "Gotta get a thick, black smoke going for the signal." "Yo, yo, Chris." "Can I talk to you for a second?" "Sure, Phil." "What's up?" "Are you sure you're up for this being in charge business?" "I think so." "Why?" "You think so." "Well, being a leader is tough." "You've seen me at the office." "You know how that can get." "Frankly, I'm not sure you can handle it." "What are you talking about?" "Come on, man." "Like it isn't totally obvious?" "Eventually, someone's gonna have to decide which of us gets eaten first." "What?" "Javier is the fattest." "So he deserves to die." "I'm sorry if that's not PC." "Phil, we have enough nuts stored up to feed an army." "I don't like nuts!" " And Javier would feed a lot of people." " All right." "Phil, can you knock it off, please?" "Chris is in charge." "We're all on board with this, right?" " Yes." " Yeah, I think we're good, Phil." "Fine." "You wanna follow Pocahontas?" "Don't blame me." "What's up, Javier?" "Hey." "All right, people." "Let's get back to work." "We've got a big day ahead of us." "What happened to everybody?" "They were all doing so well." "I don't know." "It's just like at the office, you know?" "They're good to work for a little while, then it's nappy time." " Javier?" " Javi?" "Hey, buddy." "Weren't you supposed to be on food gathering detail?" "Oh, go away." "Sleepy." "(SCOFFS)" "Okay, everybody." "We really gotta kick it into high gear." "Ugh!" "Come on, guys!" "I don't know how many times I have to say this." "When you go number two, you've gotta go at least 50 yards from the campsite, all right?" "I'm not trying to be a buzzkill, but it's a major health hazard." "Hey, man." "Nobody's on food detail, and whoever's on tiger watch took off." "You gotta step up and take charge, man." "These people are just gonna keep slap-dicking around." "Okay." "Okay, Jared." "I'm on it." " All right, buddy." "Let's go." " Okay." "Hey, everybody!" "Look over here." "Thought you'd all want something to eat besides nuts." " Behold!" " We bring meat!" "Ugh!" "I killed it with my own bare hands." " Isn't that right, Troy?" " Yes!" "Meat!" "That looks like it's been dead at least two weeks." "And that's not all." "Oh, no." "Is that coffee?" " You bet your fat ass it is." " Hey!" "I found the plants just over that ridge." "There's enough for all of us." "Oh, God." "Tastes so good." "Okay, okay, you guys." "I don't know about the coffee yet, but I can tell you for sure that that meat is not safe to consume." "I'm afraid that's not your decision, Chris." "And I invite all of you to share in my bounty." " Oh, God." "That looks so delicious." " I wouldn't do it." "I strongly..." "Luther." "Hey, Dale." "Don't." "The meat's no good." " Ashley." " I advise against this." "(CHUCKLES)" "Yeah!" "He put up a real fight, but I snuck up behind him and snapped his neck." "It's the least I could do." " We're a family now." " Yeah." "We are." "MAN:" "Right, man." " Try it." " No, thanks." "I'm good." "Thank you." "Look, I understand that we're not at the office and everyone's under a lot of stress." "But I just feel that some of the language that I've been hearing tossed around lately is offensive to some people." "I've heard MFer." "I've heard CSer." "I've heard A-hole, BJ, F this F-ing S." "Check out that B's T's." "Slip it in her C-hole." "F it in the fudge shop." "S on that donkey D, you dirty F-ing S-bag, then L up that V-juice and spit it in my A." "Then H it till it's sore with your S-covered P-pounder." "Also I've heard..." "Who gives a shit?" "Hey, it's Brenda's turn to speak." "She can say whatever she wants." "You know the rules." "I have the talking stick." "Screw the rules!" "Phil, enough." "Yeah, Brenda." "Screw your rules!" "I'm holding the talking stick." "Stick means nothing!" "Come on." "Sit down." " PHIL:" "No." " (THUDDING)" "I won't sit down." "Because I am so sick of your rules!" "So's everybody else." "Come on, Dale." "Stand up." "Come on, you guys." "Why should we listen to you?" " Everybody knows..." " WOMAN:" "Stand up." "I should be leader." "This isn't helping, Phil." "Okay?" "Come on." "We're all in this together." "(PHIL LAUGHS)" "You just wanna be able to tell everybody what to do." ""Watch the signal fire." ""Let's ration the food!" ""Don't shit in other people's tents"?" " That's obvious." " Yeah." " I'll shit where I want." " Damn right, Troy." " Look at Chris, everyone." " (ALL GRUNTING)" "How can he protect you from the dangers of the jungle when he won't even stand up to me now?" "Will you?" "Huh?" "Will you, Chris?" "In front of all these people?" "You gonna stand up to me?" " You never have before." " Phil, I'm not gonna fight you." "Order!" "The stick!" "No, he's not gonna do anything in front of all these people." " What is wrong with you?" "Stop!" " (THUDDING INTENSIFIES)" "Come on, guys." "Order." "He's not a leader." "He's a follower." "So get out of my way!" "Come on, Phil." "(ALL YELLING INDISTINCTLY)" "Who would deny me, the one who has brought you meat?" " Order!" " (ALL GRUNTING FRANTICALLY)" "Order!" "Chaos!" "(ALL SCREAMING)" "Troy put this in the coffee." "This is Jimsonweed." "It's hallucinogenic." "Oh, this is bad." "(HOWLING)" "(VOMITS)" "(SIGHS)" "That was some party." "I gotta say, Troy, I've never seen your penis before." " You've got a nice one." " Thanks." "The signal fire's out." "So?" "That's our only chance of getting off this island." "What if a boat or a plane came by?" "We can't be stupid right now." "(INHALES SHARPLY)" "Chris, I would watch your tone with me." "I'm the chief." "Yeah, I'm sure you're gonna make some great chief, just eating, laying around all day, having orgies every night." "Hey, that's not fair." "No?" "Well, what are you gonna do tonight?" "I don't know." "Probably have another orgy." "Okay." "This is ridiculous." "You guys, we are never gonna get off the island like this, okay?" "We're behaving like children." "Hey!" "You don't like the way we do things, go start your own tribe, then." "Fine." "Fine, Phil, I will." "I'm gonna hike to the other side of the island." "See what's over there." "You know what?" "Anyone who wants to get serious about getting off this island, you come with me." "And the rest of you, you can just keep eating and drinking, just having unprotected sex all the time." "Okay." "I don't think he gave the greatest pitch in the world, but I'm with him." "Thank you, brother." "I'm also with Chris, but I am not with Jared." "Okay, okay." "This is crazy." "I think the only chance we have of getting off this island is if we all work together." "Sol really think that maybe if we try just a little active listening..." "Active listening?" "Lisa?" "Enough of your witchcraft!" "Phil, you are battling some serious mental issues right now." "Lisa, I think you're battling some serious cock-teasing issues." " Ooh!" " That is harassment." "I am reporting you as soon as we get back to the office." " Okay." " PHIL:" "Go, then." "All of you." "Who needs you?" "In fact, I command you to leave!" "Fine, Phil." "Whatever." "Good luck running things around here." "You're gonna need it." "Be gone forever!" "And don't let me catch you back on my side of the island!" "Unless you two girls wanna get fucked, then hustle on back." "All right, Troy." "Hit me up with that fan, buddy." "Getting kind of hot." "CHRIS:" "Orion's belt is really bright tonight." "LISA:" "What are you, Daniel Boone, or something?" "(SNIGGERS) No." "I mean, no." "You can navigate the jungle, and..." "Yeah." "And start this fire by knocking two rocks together." "You can identify natural hallucinogens." "Well, don't forget about my ability to make campfire cobbler." "I love cobbler." "I know." "I know." "I just picked a few berries and had some crackers, threw in a little sugar, and voila." "I know how you like sweets, so, I just..." "You pay attention." " I like that." " (CHUCKLES)" " How is it?" "Is it too tart?" " Mmm!" "This is the best thing I've eaten in days." "Oh, good!" "My God!" "I am so impressed, Silver Beaver." "Thank you." "I feel like I should give you a merit badge, or something like that." "Oh, that'd be nice." "It'd look good next to my hang gliding one." "(CHUCKLES) You have a merit badge for hang gliding?" "It's tandem." "I mean, I was tandem." "I was strapped to my scoutmaster." "But, yeah." "I do." "I have never seen this side of you." "How does someone who's so adventurous end up designing toilet paper packaging for a living?" "(SIGHS)" "Yeah." "Well, the truth is I..." "I always imagined my life being a lot more interesting than it is." "I went to work straight after school like some trained robot." "I just I feel like I never even really lived." "I feel the exact same way." "I probably should've done something about it a long time ago." "It sounds like you need to be a little bit more assertive." "Assertiveness." "Yes." "I could see how that'd be a good quality." "I gotta take a shit." "Hey, Brenda." "Hey." "What happened to your clean language crusade?" " I decided to fuck that to hell." " Hmm." "I don't have to poop, I don't have a BM." "What I have here is a shit." "There is no other word to describe this." "And I've had it since I got here, too." "I've had to take a shit." "But I thought I could wait till I got home." " Can't hold it any more." " Mmm-mmm." "I am infected with shit right now." "Yeah." "Okay." "I mean, I've never shat in the woods before." "Now's the time." "Really?" "You don't think anything is gonna bite my pussy?" "Nothing's gonna bite your pussy." "Maybe I'll just hold it." "Hang out with you guys." "No." "You don't wanna get attached to that." "You wanna just cut your ties." "Yep!" "You're right." "I gotta go unleash this shit in the wild." " Okay." " Okay." "That's good." "Just make it 50 yards, Bren." "She's a sweet girl." "I should probably go to bed." " Yeah, I guess." "It might be time." " Yeah." "Yeah, big day tomorrow." "BRENDA:" "We have lift-off!" "Jesus." "Go further!" "BRENDA:" "Suck your mom's dick!" "They're great." "They're a great couple." "Anyways..." " Okay, good night." " Good night." "(BRENDA SCREAMS)" "That wasn't her poo scream." " Brenda?" " Come on." " Look who it is." " Oh, my God." " Are you okay?" " So-so." " But thank you for asking." " (GROANS)" " Hey." " What was that for?" "Just for getting us stranded on the island." "That's all." "That's fair." "That's fair." " Just one more." " No, no, no." " Come on, guys." " Okay." "No more slapping." "You know?" "I'm badly wounded by the tiger attack." "I say we leave him." "Yeah, why don't you let me take a look at that?" "(GROANS) The beast got me good." "Oh, geez." "That's already infected." "Don't worry." "I've had worse." "I survived three wars." "Which three wars?" "Desert Storm, Desert Rain." "Then Iraq, Baghdad, somewhere." "You were never in the military, were you?" "Let's kill him." "Yeah?" "Kill him?" "No." "Sorry." "I should never lie to you." "I never meant any harm." "All I wanted to be is a military man." "Ever since I was a little boy, running in the fields of Nebraska." "Man, this is just getting pathetic." "(VOICE BREAKING) I don't even know how to read." "Come on." "What does that have to do with anything?" "It's to make you feel bad." "Okay." "Okay." "Keep this pressed hard against that." "We gotta get this fixed up." "Thank you, brothers." "Hey, listen, guys." "I found something in the jungle." "Something you should see." "(STORM GRUNTS)" "That's where I've been hiding in shame." " (DOOR CREAKS OPEN) - (WOMEN GRUNTING)" "BRENDA:" "What is this place?" "It looks like some kind of bomb shelter." "It's cosy." "It's been very lonely here by myself." "But now, you can stay with me." "Okay." "All right." "It will be like a sleepover." " I found a flare gun." " Nice." "Is this a radio?" " Jared, check it out." " I'm on it." "Okay." "Hey, guys." "We can stay up all night." "We can tell scary stories." "And we can play Truth or Dare." "Chris, you first." "Dare me to do something." "Uh..." "I guess I would dare you to be quiet, Storm." "You lost a lot of blood." "Let me take a look at that." "(STORM SIGHS)" "What you gonna do?" " Be still." " Needles!" "No needles!" "I hate needles." " Get away from me!" " CHRIS:" "Do you wanna die of gangrene?" "I don't want needles!" "All right." "All right." "All right." "No needles." "(BRENDA SHUSHING)" "No needles." "Come on." "What if I pet your ears?" "Would that make you feel better?" "Okay, Brenda." "There you go." "No needle." "No needle, Storm." " Thank you, Chris." " You're doing good." "BRENDA:" "You've got some floppy ears." " Can I finish cleaning it, though?" "Okay." " Yes." " No, you're doing..." " (SCREAMS) It hurts!" "You're doing very good." "You're doing very good." "He's a good bunny, right?" " He's a great bunny." " (YELLS)" " Okay, okay, okay." " He's a feisty bunny." " It hurt, man!" " All right." "Try and relax." " Okay." " Just try and relax." "You think you can get this thing to work?" "Short answer: no." "CHRIS:" "Not a needle." "Not a needle." "Circuitry's fried, but the transceiver's good." "But the one in the plane, transceiver's out, but the circuitry there looked all right." "We don't speak geek." "Listen, darling, what I'm trying to say is if we get that radio out of the plane, there's a decent chance I could rig something up." "What about him?" "We can't just leave him here." "STORM:" "I'm okay." "I'll be fine." "We'll work something out." "Stop." "Park me here." "What do you see?" "I am not quite sure." "Dude, let me see." "They've all gone shit-dick crazy." "Yes, I saw Phil forcing them to eat that Jimsonweed all day." "I tried a little bit of it myself, but I was tripping balls for six hours." "Couldn't feel my face." "What is that?" "Let me see those." "Oh, Phil has had a statue of himself made." "BRENDA:" "Oh!" "Solid craftsmanship." "And they're worshipping him like a God." "I guess reasoning with him isn't gonna be an option." "Maybe we should just take the radio." "I mean, the plane's at least 200 yards from Phil's camp." "He might not notice." "No such luck." "They got guards stationed at the plane." " That crazy fucker!" " God." "It's like he doesn't even wanna go home." "Hey, guys, if we want to steal that radio from that plane, we'll have to use our heads and our brains." "It's the same fucking thing, Storm." "I think I'll go talk to him alone." "I can still reason with him." " Are you sure, Chris?" " Yeah." "Hey." "Just be careful, okay?" "I will." "BRENDA:" "Aw!" "(CHUCKLING) What?" "Keep in pile." "You, separate sticks." "Big sticks, little sticks." "(SIGHS)" "Oh!" "Deserter returns." "Halt, Outsider." "You're a trespasser here." "Hey, Dale." "What's up?" "Look, I just wanna talk." "Hi." "Hi." "How are you?" "What is your purpose here?" "Wow." "You guys have really gotten serious around here, huh?" "Gone is the time of mirth and joy." "Those days ended when the great winged beast of iron and steel brought us here from the sky." "Are you talking about the plane, Dale?" "Come on." "You know what a plane is." "Look, I just need to talk to Phil." "Do you know where he is?" "Who is this "Phil" you speak of?" "He speaks of the Lawgiver." "Okay." " Oh, Orco." " Orco." " Orco?" " Oh, yeah." "Oy." "No one demands to see the Lawgiver." "Let's slit his throat." "Whoa, come on." "Come on, Dale." "Calm down, you guys." "Hey." "Hey." "All right." "(WHISPERING)" " Come on." "Let's not." "Let's not." " Wait." "Well, Outsider, it seems you get your wish." "The Lawgiver will see you." "Okay." "(SIGHS)" "Did you come here to kill me?" "Come on, Phil." "This is stupid." "Just knock it off." "I would watch your tongue if I were you, Outsider." "Okay." "Noted." "Look, Phil, we found a bunker." "Phil?" "Phil." "I don't know this word." "Right, no, I'm sorry." "Orco." "Yes." "Orco." "Do you know how I chose the name Orco for myself?" "It's the name of an ancient Babylonian God, the god of wrath and destruction." "I think it was also the name of that floaty little wizard guy in He-Man." " Heresy!" " Calm." "Calm, my pet." "I spell mine with a C." "So it's different." "Yeah, it's different." "Yes." "Time for my morning juice." "(COUGHS)" "Very bitter." "That's gross!" "To the Pit of Shame with you!" "(GASPS)" "You shame yourself!" "Come, let's take a walk." "This is where my minions toil to harvest the beans from which we make the sacred brew." "Pick faster." "Faster." "Well, it's nice to see that you didn't eat Javier at least." "I actually tried a couple of his fingers, but it was gross." "Really gamy." "Keep the berries separate." "Do you see the power that I have over them?" "(MOUTHING)" "I do, yeah." "I'm willing to give you a taste of it." "I'm offering you a job as my second in command." "Why?" "Because I could use someone with your know-how for the day-to-day running-the-camp stuff, basically all the boring shit." "Gee, Orco, I'm really flattered, but..." "Did I mention the perks?" "Power, glory, any woman you want." "Well, none of the super hot ones." "Those are for me." "But, you know, any of the older, chubbier ones." "Barbara from accounting." "Oh, she's a big girl." "Yeah, I don't want Barbara from accounting, or..." "You haven't even gotten to know her." "She's a sweet lady." "Listen, we found another radio, okay?" "Jared thinks he can get it working if we can get a part from the one on the plane." "I don't know, bro." "I kind of got a pretty good deal going on here, you know?" "Out there I'm just a senior VP, but here I'm a god." "Orco." "Yeah, but think about this." "You give us that part." "We get out of here." "You're a hero." "Not just here on the island, but out there in the real world." "Everybody's gonna know your name." "Hmm..." " interesting." " Yeah." "That you would try to sweet talk me into giving up my empire." "LOL, friend." "Guards!" "Phil." "Phil, please." "We're never gonna get off this island." "PHIL:" "No, we won't." "If you come back here again, Outsider, we will cut off your dick and make a soup out of it." "Cream of Chris!" " Let's go play some hacky sack." " Got it." "Poor little bunny." "You almost got eaten by a tiger." "I wish I could give you a carrot." " That would be nice." " Yeah." "Storm, I think your wound is getting worse." "It kind of stinks." "Is that what that is?" "It smells nasty." "I also didn't take a bath for a while, okay?" "Tell me you got it." "I'd be lying." "Seriously, dude?" "Yeah." "I asked." "He said no." "You asked?" "He asked." "I'm so fucking glad you asked." "Did you say please, at least, Chris?" " LISA:" "Jared." " Yes." "No." "I'm tired." "I'm cranky." "I'm out of weed, and I wanna go home!" "What do you want me to do, Jared?" "You want me to challenge Phil to a fight?" "No, Chris." "I want you to continue being the world's biggest pussy until we all die of starvation." "Oh!" "Come on!" "You're the pussy." "You're the pussy!" " You're a pussy." " You're the pussy!" "Guys!" "This is not getting us anywhere, okay?" "Brenda, who is the bigger female reproductive organ?" "I think you're both vaginas." "You know what?" "I would've been better off with Phil." "Wow." "Why don't you go join him then?" "Yeah." "At least he's doing drugs and having orgies." "Instead I'm gonna die in here with you clowns." "Oh!" "Screw this!" "Adiós!" "(MUMBLES)" " Hey" " You okay?" " I don't know." "You think Jared's right about me being the..." "The world's biggest pussy?" "Yeah." "That's the one." "No." "You're not a pussy." "You're just..." " Nice?" " Yeah." "You're really nice." "Yeah." "I know." "I think that's part of the problem." "My whole life, I'm such a nice guy." ""It's Chris." "He's so nice." "Look at Chris, he's nice."" "Which is all well and good, you know?" "Except that nobody ever gives you any of the credit you deserve for anything." "Or will actually even consider publishing your really good fantasy novel, even though it's clearly better than 90% of the Sword and Shadows derivative crap that's out there." "And it's like these out-of-touch publishers are calling it fetish porn, and it's not." "Okay, yes, there's one very tastefully done, very understated love scene between a dark elf and a centaur." "And that is integral to the plot." "You know?" "You need it..." "Okay, Chris, I think maybe you're drifting away from the point here a little." "The point is that you just keep taking it because you're too nice to stand up and do anything about it." "(SIGHS) Yeah." "You're nice." "You are." "That's what I like about you." "That's what everyone likes about you." "I wouldn't want you to change that." "But there's a time to be nice." "And then there's also a time when you have to say, "Enough is enough."" "And stick your foot so far up a prick like Phil's ass that he chokes on your fucking shoelaces." "And I think now is one of those times." "I do, too." " How did you..." " Listen, Chris." "There's a time to play nice." "And there's also come a time when you have to say, "Enough is enough."" "And stick your foot so far up a prick like Phil's ass that he chokes on your own fucking shoelaces." "That is literally exactly what I just said." "No." "I just tweaked it a little bit." "No." "Word for word." "I had my own little spin, okay?" "How long have you been there?" "For awhile." "This is our plan." "We are stealing that goddamn radio." "And I drew the little guys there." "(CAWING)" "Shit." "Sorry, Deb." "Some woman." "Sorry, guys." "Sorry." "(COOING)" "Ow!" "Damn it!" "What the hell you doing?" "Son of a bitch?" "What are you doing?" "Use a bigger rock!" " (SCREAMS)" " Ow!" "Yeah." "Good night, sweet prince." "You had a good run." "Okay, great." "Get the radio, and we'll stand guard." "Well, obviously, you know, quick as possible." " Speed is of the essence." " Copy that." "How'd it go?" " We got him." " Great job." " This is invigorating." " Yeah." "Do not fuck this up." " Thanks, Brenda." "That helps a lot." " You're welcome." "(GRUNTING)" "(CAWING)" " What does that mean?" " I don't know that call." " Did you discuss that with him?" " He didn't teach it to us." "We're gonna hold." "We're gonna hold." "Hey, Jared." "I'm not trying to be a pest, man." " What's the ETA?" " You wanna do this?" "Okay." "I understand." " Actually, he's working." " Yeah." "Let the man work." "You know what I mean?" "(SPUTTERS)" "Screw faster!" "Yeah, I've heard that before." "Yeah." "You fell asleep between thrusts." "Oh, my God." "That's why you ruined our trip to Reno." "There it is." "Right there." "I wasn't sure if it was sex time or nap time." "(GROWLS)" "(HORN BLARING)" "What was that?" "I think it was a conch." "Screw faster!" "I'm trying to!" "Can you please be supportive?" "Come on!" " Guys!" " Guys!" "Another time." " They're, like, always fighting." " I know." "And it's, like, sometimes I feel like..." "Look!" "(HORN BLARING)" "Jared, get the radio!" "Rip it out!" " Okay." "Let's go." "Let's go." "Let's go." " All right, ready?" "I think they've got spears." "They're not gonna throw 'em." "That's for show." "That's for show." "By the power of Orco, keep my hand steady and make my aim true." "Yeah, yeah, Brett." "Just throw it." "Holy shit!" "They're throwing spears!" "(ALL SCREAMING)" "Time to go!" "Hey, guys!" "(CAWING)" "(ALL PANTING)" "Where's Storm?" "I thought you had him." "I thought you had him!" "You were the wheelbarrow guy." "Oops!" "Oh, Jared!" "Okay, I'm gonna go look for him." "Stay here and get to work and get that radio going." "Wait." "You're going back out there?" "Yeah." "I'll be right back." "Shut the door behind me." "Oh. my God!" "(PANTING)" "Storm!" "Mr Rothchild!" "Storm!" "Is it working?" "It's hard to say." "If 1 did it right, then we're emitting a constant distress signal." "But the only way to be sure is to actually make contact with someone." "(KNOCK ON DOOR)" " (WOMAN SCREAMS) - (GASPS)" "(GROANING)" "(LISA GRUNTS)" "Get off me, Dale." "DALE:" "Bitch got a flare gun." "PHIL:" "Outsider!" "Outsider!" "I have your friends now." "You're all alone!" " As for the girl..." " Ah!" "that'd be a shame to pluck this fruit and not have a little taste." "Talk about having her fruit, man." "Sexy fruit." "Her vagina berries." "I'm gonna have sex with your girlfriend in her vagina." "You think he got that?" " Yeah, I think he got it." " All right, let's go." "LISA:" "Ah!" "Ow!" "Bring forth the prisoners." "Bring forth the prisoners!" "(PEOPLE GRUNTING)" "It's okay." "It's okay." "You've all been found guilty of the high crimes of heresy and thievery." "TROY:" "Kill." "ALL: (CHANTING) Kill!" "Kill!" "Kill!" "They're kidding, right?" "ALL:" "Kill!" "Kill!" "Kill!" " Kill!" "Kill!" "Kill!" " Uh..." "Guys?" "Holy shit." "ALL:" "Kill!" "Kill!" "Kill!" "The punishment for these crimes is death by execution." "(ALL CHEERING)" "Oh, my God." "That's it." "I'm go..." "Except for the fair Lisa..." "You will live and be my bride." "Oh, come on." "Can't you just kill me, too?" "You don't mean that." "I really mean it, Phil." "Just do it." " Here she comes." " Oh, yeah." "Good call." "Good call." "PHIL:" "Mmm!" "What is that smell?" "(SNIFFS) It's pussy." "You, who are called Jared, come forward." "Step forward, Jared!" "Dale." "All right." "It's funny, Phil." "I get it." "It's not cool." "You have anything to say before you die?" "You're a real asshole, Phil." " What?" " Be that as it may..." " Still, you shall die." " TROY:" "Yes!" "(LAUGHS)" "He's just kidding." "Phil." "No." "Come on, I'll do anything." "Dale." "Phil, I'm begging you, brother." "Please don't." "We'll be your slaves." "Yeah, we get it, whatever you fucking want." "Don't have Dale cut my head off, man." "You don't wanna do this." "Phil." "Please, man." "This isn't you, man." "Things just got weird." "Sorry, dude." "I was just gonna put you in a cage, or whip you with bamboo or something." "But, well..." "It's what they want." "Please." "I love you, Brenda." "You do?" "I'm sorry." "ALL: (CHANTING) Kill!" "Kill!" "Kill!" "Kill!" "Kill!" "Kill!" "(GASPS)" "Make it quick, Dale." "ALL:" "Kill!" "Kill!" "Kill!" "Kill!" "Kill!" "Kill!" "Do it, Dale." "(INAUDIBLE)" "Wait!" "Lower your blade!" "So, you've returned just in time to watch your friends die." "Perhaps you'll join them." "I don't think so, Orco." "I have returned to claim my rightful place as the true god of this tribe!" "You?" "A god?" "(LAUGHS)" "That's right." "And I command my subjects to sever their allegiance to the false Lord Orco and bow before my mighty loins, lest they should feel my wrath." "Tell me." "Can the impostor Orco fly as the birds of the sky do?" "Just a minute." "Almost there." "That was amazing." "1 mean, 1..." "That was unreal." "Or, can the impostor conjure fire from stone?" "Oh!" "Oh!" "PHIL:" "Magic tricks." "These are tricks!" "Don't be fooled!" "Really?" "I'm not sure the tribe is quite so convinced." "So either prove to me your divinity by fighting and killing me, or you will reveal yourself to be a liar, a coward, and an all-around piece of shit." "Fine!" "I accept your challenge!" "Good." "We will resolve this once and for all with a fight to the death." "To the Pit of Destiny." "Where's the Pit of Destiny?" "Let's just clear out the Pit of Shame." "Yeah." "MAN:" "Come on!" "Yeah!" "Yeah!" "I guess we both always knew it'd come to this." "Right, Chris?" "I honestly never saw this coming." "(LAUGHS)" "(BOTH LAUGHING)" "This is pretty fucked up." "I will say that." "Not your typical day at the office, huh, boy?" "(HISSING)" "Chris, I do wanna apologise." "I'm sorry I took things this far." "This is fucked up." " Really?" " Yeah." "I'm sorry." "Well, we don't have to do this." "(SCREAMS)" "(ALL YELLING INDISTINCTLY)" "LISA:" "Chris, get up!" "(BOTH GRUNTING)" "This is really pretty gay." "(PHIL GROWLING)" "Yeah, it's fucking sick, man." "It's gay." "It's gross." "Troy!" "Troy, my spear." "That's unfair, Troy!" "LISA:" "You asshole!" "TROY:" "Come on, Phil!" " (GRUNTS) - (GROANS)" "(ALL YELLING INDISTINCTLY)" "Chris!" "Is that a nut sack between your legs, or did your dick step in gum?" "(GRUNTS)" "Come on!" "Get up, Chris!" "Yeah!" "Come on!" "Chris!" "Kick his ass!" "No!" "PHIL:" "Wait, wait, wait, wait." "Okay." "Okay, me and you will be co-gods." "Sixty/forty." "(SHOUTS)" "CHRIS:" "Give me those hands." "PHIL:" "My warriors!" "What are you waiting for?" "Attack!" "Honestly, Phil, I'm not really into this any more." "(PHIL GROANS)" "Stay there!" "Okay." "Okay, you can get up." "Okay, come on." "Stop it." "I'm not a god." "There's no god here." "Or, I mean, you can believe whatever you wanna believe." "God, He can be all around." "I don't know." "But I am not a god and Phil is not a god." "But I am in charge now." "And from now on, things are gonna be different." "Okay?" "Dale, Javier, I need you to get to the beach, get to work on getting that signal fire going." "Let's go." "Ashley, untie them." "Please!" "Brett?" "I can see your boner." "I don't know." "It's your call." "Okay, guys." "I'm going to get you the help you need." "We need to start a massive detox programme." "I'm gonna get this Jimsonweed out of your system." "You'll be feeling as good as new in no time." "And then we're gonna get home." " So really..." " Ship!" "Ship!" "There's a ship offshore." "I saw it from the bluff." "He said there's a ship." "They must've gotten our distress signal." "Oh, my God." "Yeah, but they might not know exactly where we are." " Where's that flare gun?" " I got it." " Watch out!" " (GRUNTS)" "Ungrateful little bitch!" "I should've slit your throat a long time ago." "I'm a god here!" "And I'm not gonna let you fuck that up for me." "(MAN GROWLING)" "(SCREAMING)" "(SCREAMING CONTINUES)" "Okay." "Storm, we got it." "Thank you." "Good lungs." "Nice work, Storm." "I got your back, my brother." "PHIL:" "It doesn't matter anyway." "They'll never see your white flare against the bright blue sky." "You should know that, Boy Scout." "It's Eagle Scout, asshole." "No!" "My statue!" "My statue!" "Let's get to the beach!" "I gotcha, big guy." "ALL:" "Hey!" " Over here!" " Hey!" "Over here!" " (ALL YELLING INDISTINCTLY)" " Right here!" " (SHIP HORN BLARING) - (ALL CHEERING)" "Oh, Buddy." "I am so proud of you." " I'm proud of you." " Oh!" "You're the best, dude." "Jared." "I love you again." "Oh, thank God." "(BOTH MOANING)" "You did it, Chris." "You save us." "Yes." "Or so it would seem." "That's right, all my friends." "My death, tiger attack, was all a test." "And you all passed with flying colour." "Good work." "To get here, quick." "Storm..." "Okay." "I'm lying again." "Yeah." "Storm Rothchild?" "AKA Striker Hardcastle." " What?" " AKA Francois Van Vurenberg." "AKA Schlomo Rabinowitz?" "You, sir, are under arrest by the United States Navy for impersonating an officer." "Well, hey." "Chris, can I talk to you?" "Yeah." "While I'm in prison, you'll write to me?" "Yeah." "Yeah." "Okay." "How often?" "Write you once a month?" "I need more." "I could do once a week." "And you'll come to visit me?" "You got it." "And, you know, Lisa?" "She has a crush on you." "(GRUNTS)" " This way, ma'am." " Uh..." "I'm okay." "I'm fine." "All rescued persons need to be seen by medical personnel." "Okay." "Look, dude, I... (LISA SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)" "Watch out, Gilligan." "How was that for more assertive?" "I didn't wanna come on too strong, and I..." "I gotta admit it, Chris." "I always saw you as kind of a sissy boy." "But you really proved me wrong out there on that island." "You got balls, son." "Big balls." "Just like me." "I bet if we pulled our balls out and compared them, they'd be exactly the same size." "You got a future here with us, Chris." "I'm promoting you to Senior Vice President of Design." "You can move your big balls into Phil's old office right now." "(SIGHS)" "Mr Crawford, for the last three years," "I've dreamt of hearing you say that to me." "This position is exactly what I've wanted." "It has been on the top of my vision board." "But out there on that island, I realised something." "What's that, son?" "This job sucks." "Excuse me?" "Yeah, man." "It sucks." "Life is too short!" "You know, there's a whole world out there." "There's a whole freaking universe!" "I would rather take that Martin P. Shulman Award and stab myself directly in the heart with it, than spend my entire life cooped up inside these walls climbing the corporate ladder." "No." "I can't do it." "I quit." "Oh, no, you didn't." "I quit, too." "She quits, too." "Want this closed?" "(INAUDIBLE)" "PHIL:" "Dear Troy," "I can't tell you how disappointed I am with you right now." "I thought we were buds." "Well, let me tell you something." "If I ever get off this island, you're gonna have to work pretty hard to regain my trust." "PS." "I am very lonely." "I'm so sad and lonely." "(TIGER ROARING)"