"PERCY:" "Okay, let me see." ""Girl, I love..." No, no." ""Girl, I love your..." No, that ain't it, that ain't it." ""Girl, I love your style." "I love it when you get that smile." "You should be in a magazine because you're a queen." "Our love is everything."" "[KNOCKING ON DOOR]" "REGGIE:" "Percy." " Not right now." "I'm busy." "REGGIE:" "Percy, you got a girl in there?" "Percy." "Percy." "PERCY:" "What kind of question is that, "Got a woman in here?"" "I didn't know." "I heard you talking." "PERCY:" "I'm in here doing my vows." " Vow?" "Yeah, man, for this ridiculous party, man, my wife is losing her mind over." "Reggie, this extravaganza is costing me a lot of money." "Now she wants us to renew our vows." "What's wrong with what I said the first time?" "What's wrong with "I do"?" " I did, didn't I?" " You did." " Women, boy." " I know." "Women is a whole other..." "Okay." "But you know what, Mr. Jones?" "It's cool that you're just doing the lyrics from that song." " I wrote this on the way to work." " You wrote that?" " Yeah." " Was you listening to the radio when you wrote it?" "It's B2K, Mr. Jones." "Okay, then." "If this is to a song, tell me what the next line is." "Well, it's..." "[SINGING] Baby, turn around And let me see that sexy body go" "Bump, bump, bump" "That's it, yeah." "Reggie." "[SINGING] See your sexy smile And bump, bump" "REGGIE:" "Three bumps." " Three bumps." "[SINGING] See your sexy smile and bump" "See your sexy smile and you..." "FRED:" "Hey, boss, is Theresa bringing a new boyfriend to your anniversary party?" "PERCY:" "Yep." "FRED:" "Uh-oh." "PERCY:" "What?" "I'm fine with it." "FRED:" "So you've met him?" "PERCY:" "Nope." "Pulled his credit report." "FRED:" "You didn 't." "PERCY:" "I sure as hell did." "[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]" "PERCY:" "This young brother is a stockbroker for JP Oliver." "FRED:" "Theresa?" "I don 't believe it." "PERCY:" "Marilyn says she's crazy about him." "And this boy's credit report?" "I'm telling you, it's a thing of beauty." "I almost cried." " This guy sounds too good to be true." " Probably is." "But the brother has a job." " That's right, my friend, a J-O-B." "SIMON:" "But I quit." " I quit." " Simon, calm down." "I'm just trying to explain to you how the world works." " It's the clients." "I'm just explaining..." " None of my clients seem to care." " This guy didn't seem to care, did he?" " Come on." "Don't be so sensitive." "It's not how the world works." "It's how your world works." "Simon, sit down." "Simon!" "MAN:" "All right, I'm on it." "Jerk." "I don't need you, Nathan!" "I don't need JP Oliver." "My résumé is good enough." "I can get a job anywhere that I want." "I'm out of here." "[ALARM RINGING]" "Oh, man." "I'm not gonna freak out." "I'm not gonna freak out." "Oh, what am I gonna tell Theresa?" "What am I gonna tell her?" ""Baby, you know how you're always saying I'm at the office too much?" "Well, great news!"" "I'll meet my future father-in-law and tell him I'm unemployed." "Great!" "Okay, I'll get the next one." "SIMON:" "I can't quit my job!" "[OVER CAMERA] I'm not gonna beg!" "MAN 1:" "Twenty bucks says he goes back." "MAN 2:" "I'll take some of that." "SIMON:" "Oh, my God!" "I just quit my job." "I don 't need this job." "No, no." "[LAUGHING]" "Here he comes." " Hi." " Have a good one." " Hello." "Liz, Simon Green here." " Simon." "What's up?" "SIMON:" "Every investment I've made in the last six months." "Listen, that job you offered me." " Tell me it's still open." " Why?" "What happened?" "SIMON:" "I'll tell you later." "Can you talk to Bartlett for me?" "LIZ:" "Are you kidding?" "I'm e-mailing him right now." "When he finds out you asked about this, he is gonna go nuts." "Thank you." "SIMON:" "Theresa?" "Baby?" "THERESA:" "Hey." "You're home early." "SIMON:" "Yeah." " Really early." " Got out of there quick." " Good." "Come on, help me with these." "What do we got?" "Tumi?" "That's nice." " When did we get this?" " Got them today." "Combined income, huh?" "Bling bling, baby!" "Yeah, bling bling." "Baby..." "THERESA:" "You should have heard Dad on the phone when I told him that you work for JP Oliver." "I feel like he's more in love with you than I am." " Really?" " Yeah, you don't understand." "Ever since I can remember his whole thing has been about, "Theresa, does that boy have a job?"" " It's a good thing I do, then, huh?" " I know!" "I'm so excited." "Aren't you excited?" "Theresa, a man is never excited about meeting his future father-in-law." "You know, I was thinking." "Maybe we should postpone telling him." " What?" "It was your idea." " I know." "I'm thinking now that maybe it was a bad idea." "No, I think it's a great idea." "Announcing our engagement at my parents' party is gonna be the best present we can give them." "Babe, Mom's gonna flip." "Yeah, see, I'm not worried about your mom, I was thinking about..." "About him." "THERESA:" "Oh." " Yeah." "See, he's about ready to pop a blood vessel because you guys are losing a basketball game." "THERESA:" "No, no, no." "We were winning that game." "Yeah." "We're bringing in a canopy here, swags of tulle with festoons sprays of roses, parquet dance floor here, guests will be seated at tables in Chiavari chairs." "Very clean, very simple, very elegant." "And rose petals on the lawn, and not just a few." "Oodles." "At my wedding, we had oodles of petals, it was fabulous." "At that wedding, was a woman involved?" "Of course." "If she's not a woman, it's gonna be a surprise to both of us." " Hello!" " Look..." "I'll tell you, this is gonna be some party, Mr. Jones." " Twenty-five years of marriage." " Thank you." " More power to you, pal." " Thank you." "MARILYN:" "Hey." " Hey, baby." "MARILYN:" "Sorry I'm late." "My vice principal called in sick today so it was just me against 208 middle-schoolers." "I swear half of them ate pure sugar for breakfast." "Hi, Dante." "So, Percy, which one do you like best?" " I like that..." " Is your name Percy?" " Which cost the most?" " They cost the same." " They don't." " This is from Saks this one's from Macy's." " Saks." "Thank you." "Now I can give an honest opinion." " I'm digging that one, baby." " Really?" "Oh." "Well, that's too bad, because I'm wearing this one." "DANTE:" "Hallelujah." "PERCY:" "Sweetheart." "MARILYN:" "Yeah?" "PERCY:" "Listen." " Uh-huh." "Marilyn, why you even bother asking me?" "Because it's a big day for us and I wanted you to feel included." "Why couldn't you include me without the super freak out there?" "Dante is a nice man." "A nice man." "A nice man that part of the time likes to sleep with other nice men." "Stop it." "Would you open your mind, Percy Jones?" "Dante is a metrosexual." " A what?" " He's a straight man with taste." "Ain't no such thing." "Might as well tell me he rode over on a unicorn." "Look, serious face, serious moment." "I need to talk to you." "I know." "I'm working on my vows." "I almost got them perfect." " Oh, that's sweet." "But that's not it." " What is it?" " This boy that Theresa's bringing home..." " Mm-hm." "MARILYN:" "I don't know who his people are I don't know where he's from, I don't know anything about him." "But what I do know, Percy, is that I need you to be nice." " I'm always nice." "Well, let's be nice long enough to find out who the boy is." "I already know who he is." " You pulled his credit report?" "PERCY:" "I did not." "You pulled his credit report, Percy?" "I mean, I glanced at it, yeah." "But a credit report don't tell the character of a man." "But being a loan officer for 22 years, I can size that boy up in an instant." "And you know I got a knack for it." "You know that." "Five seconds." "That's all I need." "That's all I need." " Nobody knows that better than me." " Say what?" "I didn't stutter." "SIMON:" "I'm not so good with dads, baby." "I'm good with moms." "I'm better with moms." "He's a big guy, right?" "Scary big." "He also has these piercing eyes that just burn right into your soul." "Just don't maintain eye contact for a long time, at least today, okay?" "Babe, I'm kidding." "Just relax." "It's gonna be fun." "Okay?" " Did you tell them?" " What?" "Tell them what?" " Babe, don't..." "The..." " What?" " Did you...?" " Cute, clean-shaven, what?" "Pigment-challenged." "Did you tell them I'm white?" "You're white?" "You're white?" "Stop the car!" "[TIRES SCREECHING]" "SIMON:" "Ow!" " Oh, my God!" "Oh, my God!" "Look at what you..." "Oh, my God!" "Simon, I'm so sorry." " It was a joke, sir, I was kidding." " Yeah, sister, you funny." "THERESA:" "Simon, Simon, are you okay?" " Who are you?" " Are you serious?" "Why am I in Jersey?" "Simon." "Stop." " Don't worry, it's gonna be great, okay?" " All right." "I'm very sorry." "I'm sorry." "It was a bad joke." " So did you tell them?" " No." "I only told them the important things, okay?" "That I love you, that you're an amazing man that you have a very cute birthmark on your left butt cheek." "You just didn't feel the need to mention that it's a Caucasian butt cheek." "Simon, look." "I didn't mention it, because I don't think it's gonna matter." "Oh, it's gonna matter." "It's gonna matter." "We're fine, sir." "[HORN HONKING]" "Dad!" "PERCY:" "Look at this here." "Oh, my God." "Give your daddy a hug." "THERESA:" "How are you?" "Mom!" "PERCY:" "Hey, my man." "Percy Jones, baby." " Oh, pleasure to meet you." "PERCY:" "Man, look at this here." "Man, I like this man." "Nice solid, strong grip." "Wow." "Man, that's something else." "Listen, you doing everything you can to make my daughter happy?" "THERESA:" "Oh, no, Dad..." "PERCY:" "Hey, hey, hey, sweetheart." " You can take that to the door for me." "THERESA:" "No, you see, this..." "Don't interrupt, sweetheart." "I'm giving your friend a once-over here." "Sir, don't stand like a statue." "Take it to the front door." "It's a square with a hole." "Look inside, you'll see furniture." "Thank you." " Yes, sir." " Are you doing everything to make my daughter happy?" " I'm not sure if I am but I'd sure like a crack at it." " Boy, I ought..." "Man, I like him." "SIMON:" "Listen, I..." "PERCY:" "Hey, young man don't worry about it, relax." "What I figured, what, $30?" " Dad, Dad..." "PERCY:" "Get yourself some candy..." "This is Simon." "Simon." " That's her boyfriend's name." " That's right." " Well, who are you?" " Wesley Thompson, that's my cab." "But if you still down with me making your girl happy I'm good to go." "PERCY:" "Why don't you just go." " Just..." "Wow." "I wish Theresa would have told me you guys were black." "That would've saved an awkward moment." "MARILYN:" "Kind of like this one." "Yeah." "MARILYN:" "Welcome home, sweetheart." "THERESA:" "Thanks, Mom." " Baby, let me get that." "MARILYN:" "Got it." "PERCY:" "Marilyn..." " Lemonade." "Damn." "Look, ain't no need us standing out here." "Why don't we go inside and talk, okay?" "Come on, we're going inside with the quickness." "Ain't no use, us standing out here." "Let's go." "Come on." "That boy's white." "Well, nothing gets past you." "I guess it's those 22 years as a loan officer." " You knew about this, didn't you?" " I didn't know." "I promise." "But I did figure it out after the second "Daddy."" "Why she just didn't say nothing?" "Give us a warning, you know?" "Look." "We taught our girls to see only people, not color." " I know that, but..." " So, what's the problem?" "I guess the problem is she just didn't tell us." "Here it is, I'm expecting Denzel Washington to come I get Whitey McWhiteman instead." "THERESA:" "Hi, you guys." "BOTH:" "Hi." "Just showing Simon the house." "You have a very beautiful home, Mrs. Jones." "Thank you, Simon." "You can call me Marilyn." "Will do." "You too, Mr. Jones." "Thank you." "You can call me Mr. Jones." "I'm just kidding." "[LAUGHING]" " You got me." "That was funny." "MARILYN:" "Making lemonade." " You want to sit down?" " Yes, thank you." " Sit down, baby." " Great." "So, Simon, they tell me you work at JP Oliver, huh?" "Yes, sir." "You like it there?" "You've been there long?" "SIMON:" "Well, it's a couple of years." "Moving up?" "There has been some recent movement, yes." " You're a hard worker?" "THERESA:" "The hardest." " JP Oliver has this IPO coming..." " He doesn't want to hear it." " But he's asking you about your work." " I know, but you go into details..." "He likes to be modest." "Shut up." "Anyway, they made Simon their IPO..." "What is it, point man?" "They're flying him to San Francisco on Monday." "I'm not gonna see him for three days." " So, Simon, what do your parents do?" "PERCY:" "Yeah." " My mother is a realtor." "THERESA:" "Let me help you." "And she sells mini blinds and teaches dance." "Damn, how many jobs your mama got?" "She's a single parent." "She's always been a hard worker." "What happened to your father?" "He left when I was 2, and I haven't seen much of him since." "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that." " It happens." " Simon, you play any sports?" "Uh..." "I played some foosball in college." " That's the table with the soccer guys..." " I know what foosball is." " It's a stupid joke." "PERCY:" "It's not a sport." "Oh, Dad, stop badgering him." "I'm not badgering the man, I'm just taking an interest, you know?" "I don't understand why you don't play sports." "It don't make sense." "A man who don't play sports is not a real man." " I used to run a little." " What, like track?" "I mean, you don't look like a sprinter." "What do you run, steeplechase?" "THERESA:" "Dad." " Come on, man." "What was your race?" " Cars." " Cars?" " NASCAR." " NASCAR." "That was the one." "I had some hopes and some dreams." "It all ended one hot August day in a speedway in Charlotte." "It was a crash." "They said I should've been killed." "Actually, I got out without a scratch." " And I figured that was a sign." " NASCAR." "Mostly I just worked in the pit." "I mean, I test-drove for one of the drivers some." "What was his name?" " The dri...?" " Yeah." " Jay Gordon." " You drove for Jeff Gordon?" "We call him J or J.G. It was like a pet name." "Pit name, actually, huh?" "THERESA:" "NASCAR?" "I believe I said I don't like to talk about that time of my life." "NASCAR." "What was I supposed to do?" "He was staring at me with those piercing eyes." " He was not." " Filled with piercing disappointment because I don't play sports." ""A man who don't play sports isn't really a man, now, is he?"" "I had to give him something." "He's big." "He's, like, big." "You said he was big, but he's "big" big." "But why did you lie about NASCAR?" "My father loves NASCAR." "It's NASCAR." "Baby, that's, like, the whitest sport on the planet." " Not anymore, Simon." " Baby, there's, like, NASCAR and hockey." "Hockey." "I should have went with hockey." "Babe, don't worry." "He'll forget about it." "He's like this with everyone." "It always takes him some time to warm up to new people." "What are we talking about here?" "By Sunday you'll be a part of this family." "I can tell he really likes you." "I don't like him." "And I really don't think the whole racial thing matters to him." " It's not that he's white." " It's not?" "SIMON:" "Is this yours or mine?" "That's mine, and it's for later." "No, I think it's for now." "If memory serves me right I think it's mine." " No, Simon." "No, Simon." "Simon, take it off." " Take it off now." " It's perfect on me." "THERESA:" "What are you doing?" " Look at it, red is my color." "It always has been." "Look at it." " Oh, my goodness." " Simon, take it off!" " But it fits me so perfect." " Look, you're stretching it!" " Take it off right now." " It's nice, you take it off." " I am not joking." " You want some of this?" " Stop it." "Simon, Simon, take it off." " You take it off." "PERCY:" "Coming in." "THERESA:" "Mom!" " I'm gonna tell her right now." " Go on and tell." " Mom!" "MARILYN:" "What?" " He's taking Simon to a hotel." " I'm paying for it." "What's the problem?" " Can I speak to you?" "PERCY:" "You sure can." " Why are you taking him to a hotel?" " You didn't see what they were doing." " Mom, we were just playing." " Okay." "Yeah, well, playtime is over." "Mr. Jones, I'm not a cross-dresser." " Just for the record." " A cross-dresser?" "No, no, it's..." "What are you...?" "It's lingerie." " You shouldn't even be having it." " I'm a grown woman, Percy." "It is not covering up the grown parts, Theresa." "But why does the young man have to go to a hotel?" " This is my house, my rules." " Your rules?" "This house can't handle no more testosterone." "We cannot exceed the testosterone level." "We gotta keep it like that till the girls get married, maybe even beyond that." "And I'm not suggesting anyone get married." " But why can't he stay in the basement?" "PERCY:" "Because that's my room!" " That's my stuff down there." "THERESA:" "How selfish of you." "It got mold anyway." "It could be black mold." "I wouldn't want to put him at risk." " Do you know how ridiculous you sound?" " What are you talking about?" "SIMON:" "No, it's okay." " No, it's not okay." " What are you talking about?" " This is your father's house." "We're gonna play by his rules." "Now, he's obviously set a testosterone standard, and I'm going to abide by that." "You falling for that?" "I'm going with you." "You're not gonna do that." "You don't want me to go with you to the hotel?" "Of course I want you to come." " But what?" " You need to stay here." "PERCY:" "Hello?" " Shh!" " You need to stay." " I wanna be with you." "PERCY:" "We're still here." "Are you two gonna be done soon?" " Maybe we should have a seat." " Shh." " Come on, honey, let's sit..." " Shh." "You need to help your mom with the party arrangements." "We don't want to stress them out, do we?" "THERESA:" "No." " All right?" " We're all set." "PERCY:" "I'm glad you all decided." "Come on, let's go." " Come on." "Get your stuff." "Let's go." " All right." "KEISHA:" "Where is he?" "Where is he?" "Girl!" " Oh, my God." "Are we being audited?" "MARILYN:" "No, no." "Keisha." "No, no." "This is Simon." "This is Theresa's boyfriend." "This is Keisha, her little sister." "SIMON:" "Nice to meet you." " Oh, yes!" "Nice to meet you too." "Good." "Take this to the car." "I'll meet you out there." " Dad, Dad, Dad." " What?" " Theresa's boyfriend is white." " I know." "I know you know." "I just wanted to see your face when you heard it again." "Not now." "MARILYN:" "Don't forget our dinner reservations." "PERCY:" "We'll meet you over there." "["BROTHER LOUIE" BY STORIES PLAYING ON RADIO]" "MAN [SINGING]:" "She was black as the night" "Louie was whiter than white" "Danger..." "["WALK ON THE WILD SIDE" BY LOU REED PLAYS ON RADIO]" "REED [SINGING]:" "Take a walk on the wild side" "And the colored girls go:" "Looks like rain." "Nope." "I don't know, those clouds look threatening." "I live here." "I know the weather." "So Theresa tells me you're in charge of the loan department at the bank." "Must be a pretty rewarding job, huh?" "[MOUTHING] Wow." "I'm thinking about making a switch to a smaller company." "I just think there's less political garbage." "You think I don't deal with political garbage?" "I got political garbage coming out my ass." "If I give a guy a loan, I'm married to him for 30 years." "If I deny him I have to do deal with him in church." " I know that feeling." " Don't try to act like our jobs are alike." "Good thing it isn't raining." "That's not rain, it's sprinkling." "You might wanna turn on the windshield wipers." "PERCY:" "I will once it starts raining." "Come on, you two, let's go." "I don't want to be late." "Keisha!" "KEISHA:" "Coming!" "Why you always knock on my door first?" "Because you still live here." "Let's go." "It's raining." "I don't want to be late." "[SINGING]" "Come on." "Okay, tell me, what's it like?" " What's what like?" " Being with a white guy." " Come on, Keisha." "What's the sex like?" " Yeah." " Where's Mom?" " She's downstairs, girl." "Come on!" "Bring it." "Bring it." "Okay." "You know that thing they say about the size?" " Yeah." " Completely the opposite." " Really?" " They're huge." "And not only are their penises big, but they can sing." "When they get excited, they sing." "They know a million tunes." "They're like big iPods." "Oh, cut it out." "Cut it out." "Stop it." "Keisha, seriously." "Is he nice?" " Yeah." "He's cute too." " Oh, I know." "KEISHA:" "Mm-hm." " What about Mom and Dad?" " Mom is cool with it." "I mean, Dad, he seems, you know, a little bit on edge." "But, I mean, not more than usual." "MARILYN:" "Girls!" "BOTH:" "Coming!" "But can I just say, I love you so much right now." " Why?" " Because from now on no matter what I do, if I crash Dad's car or if I..." " Baby, what's wrong?" " Lf I rob a bank if I burn this house down..." " Oh, Keisha." "...I won't be the one who brought home the white boy." "[THUNDER CRASHES]" "Thank you." "Mom!" "MAN:" "Can I help you with your bag, sir?" "SIMON:" "I'm okay." "I got it." "PERCY:" "You don't trust a workingman with your bag?" " No, it's just one bag." " What you think, he's gonna rifle through your luggage and steal your toothbrush and fancy conditioner?" " No, that's not it." " Let me tell you something, young man." "Theresa's grandfather was a bellman for over 60 years." "He never stole nothing." " Could you get my bag?" " What, he your slave now?" " No." " Did you want me to take your bag, sir?" "I don't know." "WOMAN:" "Next, please." "MAN:" "Okay." "Hi." "Reservation for Percy Jones." " And that's Jones with a J?" " No, Jones with a P." "I made a reservation last week." "[WHISTLING]" "You knew you were gonna kick me out a week ago?" "Son, I knew I was gonna kick you out 24 years ago when the doctor announced it was a girl." "WOMAN:" "Here you are." " Good." " We gave your room away." " What?" "Check-in was at 4." "But it's Thursday night." "I'm sure you got another room available." "I'm sorry, we're completely booked." "And so is everyone else." "There's a Shriners convention in town, actually." "May I help you with anything else, Mr. Pjones?" "Well, guess I'll have to stay at your house, then." "No, there's a crack hotel downtown." "You'll be just fine, come on." "WOMAN:" "Next." "Hi." "Welcome to Cranford." "SIMON:" "I don't know what your basement's like..." "PERCY:" "You wouldn't like it, it's damp." "You'd hate it." "I don't think dampness is really an issue at this point." "You can't think of anything but getting under the same roof with my daughter." "Mr. Jones I'm in your house, so I'll obey your rules." "Yeah, right." "You obey Mr. Jones now." "But when you wake up at 3:00 in the morning horny you'll be obeying Mr. Johnson." " You heard." "There's no hotel rooms." "I'm not gonna do anything, I swear." "Put your stuff in there, come on." "Dinner is in 10 minutes." "I don't know what Marilyn is like about schedules but I know Theresa." "Stay out of that storm." "All right." "You can stay in my basement." "But you remember one thing:" "These eyes, they see everything." "Now get in the car." "Come on, let's go." "["EBONY AND IVORY" PLAYS ON RADIO]" "MEN [SINGING]:" "Ebony, ivory, living in perfect harmony" "MAN:" "Ivory" "MEN:" "Ebony, ivory, Living in perfect harmony" "KEISHA:" "So how long have you two been together?" " Five months." " Six months." "PERCY:" "Which one is it?" "Well, see, Theresa counts from the first day that we met and I count from the first..." "[CLEARS THROAT]" " How's the chicken here?" "THERESA:" "It's really good." "Did I tell you girls that for the first dance your father and I are going to do the tango." " The tango?" " You and Dad?" "Your father and I used to dance all the time when we were younger." "Sweetheart, I told you, we're not doing the tango." "We're already saying our vows." "That's enough." "We're doing the tango." "[CELL PHONE RINGING]" "Sorry, forgot to turn it off." "You know what, this is an important call." "No, you can take your call right here." "Sit down and take your call." "It's a business call." "It's boring stuff." "Business is not boring." "Simon, sit down and take your call." "Sit down." "Okay." " Hello?" "LIZ:" "Simon?" "Yeah, this is Simon." "Sorry I didn 't get back to you earlier." "I hope Theresa makes money as a photographer." "There's a rumor that you're being investigated by the Securities and Exchange Commission." "[LAUGHS]" "That is so Nathan to do something like that." "Yeah, I think it's Nathan too." "This is the last thing he wants to see is his best employee going to another firm." "Well, you know, I'm always up for a new challenge." "Are you listening to me?" " You've been blackballed." " Great!" "Whoa, guy, listen, it's not my fault." "I'm just telling you what they told me." "I'll call you next week." "All right." "Did Nathan put you up for another award?" "Nothing." "It's embarrassing." "Hello." "May I start you off with some drinks?" "Vodka tonic." "Celebrating a great phone call." "Okay, bring him his liquor and bring the rest of us our usual." "They'll have iced tea, I'll have my lemonade." "Actually, I think I'm gonna have a glass of Pinot Grigio." " And I'll have a Cosmo." " Me too." "Okay, bring them their alcohol, and I'll have my usual lemonade." "Someone has to act responsibly around here." "So, Simon, I hear that you're a singer." "What are you, a soprano, an alto or...?" "No, maybe bass." " Don't really sing." " How long can you hold a note?" " He can hold a note." "KEISHA:" "Really?" " For a very long time." " Sing something for me, baby." "[COUGHS]" "You okay?" "Drink some water." "SIMON:" "Jerry." "Nathan's got my ankles to my earlobes right now, man." "I'm gonna need..." "Sorry." "I'm gonna need some cash." "All right." "Call me back as soon as you get this." "I need a favor, okay?" "You gotta be kidding me." ""Let me see your sexy body"?" "I knew you'd be down here sooner or later." "Did you bring some more of that sexy lingerie for me to try?" "What is wrong with you, boy?" "Don't you have your own underwear?" " You like my space?" " Yeah, it's very homey." " Interesting odor." " Well, I told you I had mold." "Did you come down here for this?" "Having trouble writing your vows, huh?" "That's none of your damn business." "Look, I'm just saying, I could maybe help you come up with something romantic." "Don't start thinking that you know more about romance than I do." "With your handholding and feeding each other and wiping off each other's faces." "That's bullshit." "Being married 25 years, that's real romance." "And believe me, it's a war." "Brutal." "Exhausting." "Well, sounds like someone just finished their vows." " You ready for lights out?" " It looks that way." " Good night." " Good night." " Thank you." " You're welcome." " What are you doing?" " Getting ready to go to sleep." " Here?" " Right here, right here." " Don't you have a bed upstairs?" " I sure do." "So does Theresa." "By me sleeping here assures me that she'll get a good night's sleep all alone." "Now, good night." "Sorry." "What are you doing under there?" "It's just a pillow." "I think we might need a barrier." "A barrier for what?" "I tend to move around a lot in my sleep." "How do you know if you're asleep?" "Theresa mentioned it once that..." "I mentioned it to her after someone else told me that wasn't Theresa." "Okay, we can talk about this, right?" " Theresa and I have..." " You can't talk about that." "...a healthy relationship." " Stop!" " We can't talk?" " I don't wanna hear you talking about sleeping with my daughter." "You're sleeping with me now." "Now, good night." "[SNORING]" "Oh." " Good morning." " Good morning." "You're up early." "Or late, depending on how you look at it." " Coffee?" " Yes." "Bless you." "I don't know how you sleep with that man." " Did he get in your space?" " A little bit." "Did he spoon you?" "Well, it was more of a wedge maneuver." "Yeah, big man likes to cuddle in his sleep." "I just wish he was a little bit more cuddly when he was awake." "You know, Simon, when my father first met Percy Jones he could not stand him." " Really?" " Mm-hm." "But eventually they got along, right?" "No." "KEISHA:" "Good morning." "THERESA:" "Good morning." " Hey, good morning, baby." " I missed you." "KEISHA:" "Hey, Mama." "SIMON:" "I missed you." "THERESA:" "Did you sleep well?" "SIMON:" "Yeah." "Who's going with me to get some flowers?" " I'll go." " Me too." "If we go early." "I have to work this afternoon." "Okay." "[SINGING]" "MARILYN:" "Hey." "PERCY:" "Good morning." "You're looking awfully chipper this morning." "Something about knowing your daughter not being violated relaxes a man." "I thought that mattress hurts your back." "No, not me." "I could sleep on that mattress every night." "Every single night." "[PERCY WHISTLING]" "[GROANING]" "Oh, uh..." "[MOANING]" "REGGIE:" "Good morning, boss." "Got you some coffee." " So, what's the verdict?" " What you talking about?" "REGGIE:" "Theresa's new boyfriend." "What is it, is he a painter, poet?" "Did he ask you to borrow money?" "My daughter got great taste in men." "And that new guy, he's really something." "Tell me a little bit about the brother." "Give me." "Yeah." "Oh, man, thank you." "I'll tell you about the brother." "He's a big guy, nice-looking." " What's his name?" " Jamal." " Graduated Howard University." " Howard?" "Yep." "Played basketball." "He almost went pro, until he changed his career to medicine." "Was a big write-up on him in Jet about four years ago." " No shit." " Mm-hm." "Parents from Atlanta, friends with Mr. King, Dr. Cosby, Reverend Jackson." " Come on, now." " Go down towards the middle." " Go down?" " Yeah." "Sit up a little bit." " That's it?" " Oh, man, yeah." "Yeah." "I'm telling you, Reggie, I'm the luckiest man in Jersey." "My daughter's dating the great black hope." " Man." " Oh, you got it." " That's it." "I'm gonna hold it there." " Hold it." "I don't think I need to move." "[SINGING]" "FRED:" "Excuse me, boss?" " Huh?" "Simon Green here to see you." "Cut that off, Reggie." "Cut it off." "Go on, take it out." "Come on, come on, Reggie, get on the ball around..." "I'll be right there." "I'll be right out, man." "Give me..." "REGGIE:" "Fred, who is Simon?" "FRED:" "Friend of Theresa's, he says." "REGGIE:" "Oh, shit, he better hope Jamal don't find out." " Be right with you, sir." " Oh, great." "[CELL PHONE RINGING]" "SIMON [ON PHONE]:" "Jerry?" " Simon." " Hey." " Simon, what's up?" "Listen, I need you to get me into that nanotech IPO." "I want 10 blocks." "JERRY:" "Ha!" "That's 50 grand." "Did you inherit a boatload or something?" "The initial public offering comes out Tuesday." "What do you expect me to do?" "Look, I know when it comes out, Gerald." "I set the damn date, okay?" "Just buy it for me on margin." "Dude, you know what?" "You don't work here anymore." "Jerry, I need this IPO to hold me over until I get another job." "Simon, I know you're really screwed right now but do you even have 50 grand?" "I'm gonna sell off my IRAs, okay?" "I'll have it..." "I'll have it in 10 days." "I can't do margin." "I need cash." "I'm in Jersey right now." "Where am I gonna get cash?" "Oh, I'm sure one of those chemical plants has an A TM." "All right." "I'll get the cash." "Just put in the order." "Cash by Tuesday." "I'll bring it to you personally on Monday." "Don 't punk out on me." " Hey." " Hey, what you doing here?" "I feel like we didn't get off on the right foot yesterday." "So I thought maybe I'd come in, take you out to lunch." "Maybe we could bond a little." "We bonded just fine around 3: 10 this morning." "Your knee was in my crotch." "SIMON:" "Right, right." "I'll buy." " You wanna buy me lunch?" " Yeah." "You know, I figured it's the proper thing to do after sleeping with each other." "Okay." "SIMON:" "So, nice bank." " I'm glad you like it." " Yeah." "You know, I like the small-town feel." "It's less complicated." "Somebody needs money, they just come in and say:" ""Percy, I need a loan." Right?" "And then, of course, you say, "What?" "Yeah." "How much?"" "They say, "I don't know, you tell me."" ""Fifty thousand dollars?"" "What, you need $50,000?" " Do I need $50,000?" " Yeah." "No." "Most assuredly do not." "I was just admiring the process." "How many cylinders does a NASCAR engine have, six or eight?" " How...?" " Yeah." "Six." "Or eight, de..." "Depending on the gas mileage consumption of the automobile." "You never worked in the pit at NASCAR, you might as well admit it." "All right." "You know, all right." "Fine." "L..." "I never really had an aptitude for engines." "Jay..." "Jeff..." "Jeff Gordon didn't really trust me in the pit that much." "But you did drive the cars." " Drive them?" " Yeah." "Absolutely." "Good." "All right." "Fine, okay?" "I never drove NASCAR." "But I was nervous, and I wanted to impress you." "Well, you shouldn't have lied." "All right, here's the deal." "We go one lap around." "If you beat me, I'll loan you the money." "Really?" "I knew it!" "I knew you needed the money." "I don't need the money." "[ENGINES REVVING]" "Move over!" "Whoa!" "[GRUNTS]" "Yeah, yeah, yeah, fool!" "Oh!" "[SIMON CACKLING]" "SIMON:" "Sucker!" "[LAUGHING]" "[SCREAMING]" "[SCREAMS]" "Move it, man!" "What the hell are you doing?" "Well, I think it's obvious who came in first." "You're doggone right, you know I won." "I was through the bushes and on asphalt..." "I came through the bushes first." " I had more speed." " It's obvious." "I was through, hitting asphalt before you even were at the bushes." " Look, look." "License and registration." "THERESA:" "Poppy." "HOWARD:" "There's my beautiful girl." "Hi." "Simon, I want you to meet my granddad." " Howdy, Howard Jones." " Hi." "Simon Green." " Good to meet you, sir." " Nice to meet you." " Hey, Speed Racer." " Hey, hey, hey." "HOWARD:" "What's with the white kid?" " That's Simon." "He's my boyfriend." "HOWARD:" "Your boyfriend?" " Yep." " You ain't tell me he was white." " I did." " When?" " Back at the home." " I thought you was kidding." "MARILYN:" "Okay, well, I think that's it." "Think you're forgetting about the vodka." "MARILYN:" "Say grace, Percy." "Thank you, Lord." "Amen." " That was fast." " The Lord knows I'm busy." " Simon, pass me the broccoli, please." " Yes, sir." "HOWARD:" "So they don't have any available black men in New York anymore?" "Well, they just ran out last week, Grandpa." "Well, I'm just trying to figure out why you chose to go this way." "THERESA:" "Don't mind him." "SIMON:" "It's okay, it's okay." "My grandmother loved you when she first met you but later she said some things." "I was like, "What?" "Grandma."" " What kind of things?" " Yeah, what kind of things?" "Like, nothing." "Just things." " Such as?" " Yeah, such as?" " Daddy, I got it." " I know." "You know what?" "You're gonna laugh when you hear this." "She said that Theresa was a very pretty girl." "KEISHA:" "That's so nice." "So then..." "So I asked her what she liked about you the most, right?" "She said..." "She says, "I just love her cute little nappy little head."" " Your grandmother, where's she live?" " Brooklyn." "Why?" "I just want to know how far I'd have to travel to kick her white ass, that's why." "Don't call my grandchild no nappy head." "When she said that, was she putting on her sheet for the Klan rally?" "Settle down, now." "Hand me the butter." "SIMON:" "My grandmother is not a malicious woman." " No, she's not." " She's 82." "She just comes from a different time." "I'm 74, I come from a different time." "You don't hear me call white folks "honky" and "flat ass."" " Casper." " Cracker." "PERCY:" "Ofay." "HOWARD:" "Peckerwood." " Wonder Bread." " Bird shit." " Bird shit?" " Well, it's almost white." "[LAUGHING]" " That's good." "MARILYN:" "Howard." "Percy." "PERCY:" "That choked you up, didn't it?" " Percy!" "It's okay." "Look, I'm really sorry about what my grandmother said." "But there's some people that you're just never gonna change as much as you'd like to." "THERESA:" "Yep." "I can tell you this." "Last Thanksgiving my Uncle Dave said a black joke at the table, right?" "So I said, right in front of the whole family:" ""Look, that's inappropriate, we're not gonna have it."" "And..." "I think that's what you gotta do." "To change people, you just gotta attack it one at a time." " Exactly." " What was the joke?" "Excuse me?" "Tell the joke." " I don't remember it." " Sure you do." "Tell the joke." "Really, I don't..." "I don't remember it, it was..." " Dad." " Chicken." " Excuse me?" " I didn't stutter." "Okay." "Okay." "You know what?" "I'll tell the joke." " No, Simon, you don't..." "Baby." " No, baby." "It's okay." "It's..." "I'll tell you why." "Because by not telling the joke, I'm empowering it, right?" " So I'll just tell the joke..." "THERESA:" "Exactly." "...and expose how simple-minded and crude and unfunny it actually is." "What do you call...?" "What do you call a hundred black men buried in the ground up to their neck?" " What?" " Afro Turf." "That's cute." " What you laughing at?" " It's cute." "Cute don't make it funny." "Tell another one." " Dad, no, that's..." " Let the man tell a joke." "I don't know any other ones." "Okay." "Well, obviously, I've heard other black jokes but I think I've proven my point." "PERCY:" "So it's okay to empower the other ones?" "Okay, I see what you're doing." "You're putting me on the spot." " No." "SIMON:" "It's okay." "Look, it's fine." " I'm not gonna back down." " Back down, Simon." "The only way to break down barriers is to have everything out in the open, right?" " Right?" "THERESA:" "Exactly." "So, what do you call one black man being chased by 300 white men?" "What?" "The PGA Tour." "KEISHA:" "I get it." " Right, Tiger Woods." "There it is." " That's good." " That's cute." "Tell another one." "All right." "How do we know that Adam and Eve weren't black?" " How?" " You ever try to take a rib away from a black man?" "[LAUGHING]" "HOWARD:" "That's pretty good." " That's pretty good." "I wouldn't take one from you, I know that." " You eat it down to the bone." " That's a good one." " Come on, come on." "Tell more." " Okay, okay." "Why don't black people like country music?" "Every time they say "hoedown," they think somebody shot their sister." "You know he's right." "You know..." "That is so true." "That's for you, a tailored joke for you." " Why I gotta be a ho?" "PERCY:" "Ain't nobody talking about you." " It's a sister..." " A sister." "I'm not the ho sister." "Come on, now." "Can't stop now, baby." "Okay." "What are three things that a black man can't get?" " What is that?" "A black eye, a fat lip and a job." "I tell you, I'm gonna kick this boy's ass." " No, no!" "No, it's..." " Back off." "We know you can take him, but just sit down, be nice." "Come on, now." "It's a joke." "That's right, Daddy." "Sit down, it's just a joke." "Come on, he-he, ha-ha, that's all it is." "Now, if you'll excuse me all of a sudden, I lost my appetite." "Think I'll take a walk." " I should've stopped at "hoedown."" " You should've never started." "This isn't like us at home, you know, laughing about this bullshit." "It's my father's house, Simon." "What do you want me to do, go upstairs and apologize to him again?" "THERESA:" "No." "Let the storm pass, it'll be fine." " Besides, he dared you." " Wait, he double-dared..." " He called me chicken." " I heard." " I can't be called chicken." " You have to watch him on those." "You know, I'm fresh out of ideas as to how to impress your father." "Telling black jokes is never a good idea." "That's just me." "You think?" "I'll talk to him." "Yeah?" "Say nice things about me." "No, I'm not gonna say nice things about you." "You are still punished." " Baby, I'm a good guy." " You do the dishes." "SIMON:" "I like ribs too." "I don't..." "Why is he being so mean to me?" " My grandfather's out there." " He's not gonna come in here." "THERESA:" "This is my mama's kitchen." " He's not gonna come in." "THERESA:" "You're still gonna do the dishes." " Get off me." " Fine, I'll do the dishes." "Here, do the broccoli one." "THERESA:" "Dad, I have to talk to you." " What?" " Why did you do that?" "I didn't start it, Miss Nappy Head did." "Dad, Simon's a good man." "He has a good heart." " A good man, huh?" " You put him on the spot." " You really think so?" " What's your problem with him anyways?" "Besides the fact, of course, that he's white." "You're gonna get in a heap of trouble talking to me like that." "Care nothing about that man being a white." " He's hiding something." " What, NASCAR?" "Oh, you thought I didn't know, huh?" "Of course I knew." "We talk about everything, Simon and I." "Daddy, I love him." "And you need to start respecting that." "How about you respecting me enough to tell me who you're bringing home?" " I didn't think you'd care." " But you wasn't sure so you decided to test me." " No." " So you're looking for a reaction." " No!" " What you looking for?" " For you to tell me it's okay for me to be with him." "[SIGHS]" "I'm scared." "Okay?" "I'm really scared, Dad." "I know things are different now, times have changed." "But you should really hear the kind of things people say to us sometimes." "And the way they look at us." "I need you to tell me that it's okay to be with him." "Baby, me telling you it's okay is not gonna change the world." "Oh, Daddy." "But it would change my world." "Daddy, it'll change my world if I know that you're behind us." "I'm always behind you, sweetheart." "And I love you." "And it's my job to keep you safe." "And I don't trust that kid." "[MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO]" "PERCY:" "Hey, baby." " Yes." "I'm trying to figure out where he get all those doggone black jokes." "What do white people do?" "Take a class in it, where they sit and think of new jokes about the black man?" " I don't know, Percy." "You need to let that one go." "Come on, sweetheart, we need to practice the tango." "I told you, I ain't doing no doggone tango." "Why?" "Because you think you can't dance anymore?" "No, because I think the tango is a stupid dance, and I ain't doing it." "Marilyn." "Why we can't do the hustle?" "What's wrong with the hustle?" "Because the hustle is a stupid dance, and I wanna do the tango." "Look here, woman, can't we do this some other time?" "I gotta take Dad back to the home." " I'll be back." " Okay." "[PERCY SNORING]" "[TAPPING]" "[MOUTHING] What are you doing?" "[MOUTHING] The door is locked." "The window." "Simon!" "[WINDOW SQUEAKING]" "[THERESA LAUGHING]" "THERESA:" "Shh." "Shut up." "All right, stop, stop." " Okay, move a little to your left." " Okay." "All right, kiss me." "This is the exact spot where I had my first kiss." "No." "I'm not gonna kiss you on the spot that you got your first kiss." " No, no." " Why not?" "It's..." "It's some other guy's spot." "Fine." " What was his name?" " Curtis Booker." "He had these big, old, Bucky Beaver teeth." "But he was such a nice boy." "And he was a good kisser too." "Better than me?" " Way better." " Way better?" " Yeah." " He grab your ass?" " No." " Did he squeeze it?" "No, we were 13." " Grabbed you down here?" " No." "Come on." "SIMON:" "Slow down." " Come on." "SIMON:" "There's a car!" "THERESA:" "Okay, be careful." "Okay." " So this is my favorite spot." " Wow." "THERESA:" "It's pretty amazing, huh?" "All right, so it's not..." "It's not the top of the world, but..." "But it's nice." "It's a fort." "[THERESA LAUGHS]" "It's a gun placement." "When I was little, I would sneak out of the house in the middle of the night and just come out here and just dream." " Yeah?" "Weren't you afraid of sneaking out of your house?" "Please." "I'm not afraid of Percy Jones." "Well, that makes you and you." "Okay, so it is just Cranford." "But it's a great place to grow up." "It's a great place to raise a family too." "[SIGHING]" "Maybe we shouldn't do this." "What?" "Live in the suburbs?" "No, tell your parents about our engagement this weekend." "Oh, Simon, I told you not to look at him straight in the eye." "[IMITATING PERCY] I don't think Percy Jones is ready." "I think Percy Jones needs some more time." "A lot more time for Percy Jones." " Are you getting cold feet, Simon?" " No." "No, I'm not getting cold feet." "I can't wait to marry you make babies with you." "Give me a daughter that looks just like you." "[WHISPERS] Wow." "I can work on that." " Yeah?" " Yeah." "And hopefully, I can be a good dad." "I think you'll be a great dad." "You're never gonna be like your father, Simon." " Maybe I can be like yours." " Like Percy?" " Yeah." " No." "Baby, Percy Jones is a good dad." "He's there for you." "He cares about you." "He loves you so much." "He does." "We just have to get him to love you." "We can start by getting him to take the padlock off the basement door." "[LAUGHING]" "It's not gonna happen." " Give me a little Curtis Booker." " I can't believe I told you that." " Come on, baby, a little Bucky Beaver." " No." " Come on." " No." "I want some Simon Green." "Marilyn, you cut off the porch light?" "SIMON:" "Uh-huh." "That's my girl." "Very stylish." "I need to take a quarter inch off the pants." " I can do it here, let me have them." " You mean, take the pants off?" "I could do it with you in them, but I don't want to poke you." "You keep your eyes on the pants, you hear me?" "Mr. Jones, do you know where the extra chairs are?" "What, are you blind?" "They're against the wall." " When you go out, close the door." "MAN:" "Right." "Oh, Percy, put some pants on." "We got people in the house." "Thank you." "Thank you." "I didn't realize." "[PHONE RINGING]" " How long this gonna take?" " Two shakes of a lamb's tail." " Whatever the hell that mean." "DANTE:" "Mercy, Percy, keep your shirt on." "Or take it off." "Whatever." "Could someone answer that damn phone?" "Thank you." " Jones residence." " This is Reggie, who is this?" "This is Theresa's boyfriend." "Jamal." "What's up, man?" "Percy told me all about you." " What's that?" " My name is Reggie." " Percy told me all about you, man." " He did?" "Yeah, you know what we should do?" "We should get together and play some hoops, man." "I don't really play hoops." "Come on, man." "Don't be shy." "Why you being shy?" "Percy told me that you went to Howard." "He said you almost went pro." " He said that?" " Yeah." "He said that." "He was bragging about you, Jamal." "All about you, but listen." "Two things." "One, I was wondering, could you autograph the issue of Jet for me?" "And the other thing is, I'd love to meet the Cosbys." " Yeah." " When I say love to meet them I mean I'd love to meet them." " I'll see what I can do." " I feel like I grew up with them." " Let me get Percy for you." "You know, in the '80s and whatnot and..." " It's for you, it's Reggie." " We talking about the Cosbys." "I'm sorry." " May I have some privacy, please?" " But yeah, I kind of grew up with them." " And shut the door." " I always wanted to meet them." "Theo..." "PERCY:" "Reggie, what you find out?" "You were right about Simon Green." "He's no longer at JP Oliver." "Come on, come on." "Give me my pants." "SIMON:" "Jamal, huh?" " Don't start." "This isn't about me." "It's about you and your job that you don't have anymore." " What?" " Yeah." "Move out of my way." "Hey, baby." "Theresa, come here." "Dad needs to talk to you." "THERESA:" "What's going on?" " He doesn't know what he's saying." "THERESA:" "What are you talking about?" " Your boyfriend lost his job." " He got fired a couple days ago." " I did not get fired, I quit." "Wait, you quit?" "Why didn't you tell me this?" " It's complicated." " It's complicated when you're a liar." "I'm a liar." "I'm a liar?" "What about the lie that you told Reggie?" "Jamal?" " Who's Jamal?" " Yeah, who is he?" " The Cosbys' friend." " What about NASCAR?" "What about it?" "It was nothing." "I admitted it." " You admitted that you lied." " You tried to kill me with a go-cart." "At least I can drive." "His crazy ass almost got us arrested." " We both got court dates." " I can't believe you checked up on me." " You kept asking me for money." " I never..." "I never asked you for money." " You asked my father for money?" " Fifty-thousand-dollar loan." " I did not." "He trapped me into it." " You were checking up on him?" "Wait a minute." "He forced my hand." "You're my daughter." "He's not worthy." " That's not for you to decide." " That's right." "What about you lying to me?" "You said you never would." "SIMON:" "Baby..." " You don't have to go with him." "I was going to tell you but I didn't wanna ruin the big weekend." "You said we'd be partners, we'd always tell the truth." "SIMON:" "Like how you told your parents about me being white?" " I knew they would not care about that." " I don't care." "I care that you're a liar." "That's bullshit." "You care." "You care." "He has to care." "It's human nature." "So, what, that means that you care that I'm black?" " Do you?" " Dad!" "It doesn't matter what I say, you people are gonna think I'm racist." " You hear that, "you pe..."?" " I know, I heard." "What people?" "The people in the yard." "That's..." "That's what I'm..." "See?" "I say one thing, and I'm a racist." " No, Simon, you're a liar." " And a racist." "Where do you get off calling me racist?" "I have a black girlfriend." " You had a black girlfriend." " Have." "Had." "Past tense, had." "And let me tell you something else, son..." "MARILYN:" "What the hell is going on here?" " I'll tell you." "He got fired from JP Oliver, and..." " I didn't get fired, I quit." " You did." "I said to stay out of Theresa's personal life." " Thank you!" " He can't walk in our house telling lies and get away with it." "SIMON:" "I'm not!" "I don't think so!" " The party's off, Percy." " Woman, you must be crazy." "I don't wanna say my vows with you." "It'd be a lie." "Marilyn, we saying some goddamn vows tomorrow." " I mean, he got a book and everything." " Would you shut up?" " You got your vows out of a book?" " No, no, don't listen to him." "I got a book." "I'm using it for inspiration." " He wrote down every word." " You gonna get hurt." "MARILYN:" "That is so pathetic." " Come on, Marilyn." "Because if memory serves me correctly, I used to be inspiration enough." " You still are." " You'd be inspiration to me." " He neglects you." " Marilyn!" "Marilyn, get your ass back here." "I got a $200 cake coming tomorrow, 60 pounds of shrimp." "Sixty pounds of shrimp, woman!" "I had to take a second on the house." "Marilyn?" " She looked angry." " Don't let me raise my voice now." " You'll force me to use the muscle." " Hope you like seafood." "Marilyn!" "Marilyn!" "Theresa, wait!" "PERCY:" "Marilyn!" "Marilyn!" "SIMON:" "Theresa!" " Come on." " Marilyn!" " They'll be back." " They're not coming back." "PERCY:" "They gotta come back." "Sixty pounds of shrimp." "Come on, baby, pick it up." "[CELL PHONE RINGING]" "Answer that phone, sweetheart, and it will be your last." "SIMON:" "Let me borrow your car." "PERCY:" "What?" "You can't go chasing behind no women." "Have some dignity." "Besides, you can't even drive a damn go-cart." "Trouble in paradise?" "SIMON:" "Baby, we need to talk about this." "I think we should talk about it like adults because adults communicate when they have problems." "I'm looking at your photos on the wall, and they're beautiful, beautiful photos." "I don't think that I compliment you on your work enough." "You know what?" "You're being rude, is what you're being." "So call me back!" "I'm sorry, you're not being rude." "You have all the reason in the world to be upset right now, and you should be." "You shouldn't be calling me." "If I was you, I wouldn't be calling me." "Baby, call me back." "Call me back, baby." "I'm looking at your bulletin board." "There's a picture of you next to a guy and I think that guy might be Curtis." "Looks like he's got Bucky Beaver teeth." "He looks a lot older than 13, so I don't know how you feel about it but it's gone now." "Old Curtis Booker can go bye-bye." "Baby, do you have any Scotch tape?" "You're acting like I cheated on you." "I've never cheated on you." "Except for that one time with myself, and you caught me." "[PHONE RINGING]" "Hello?" "PERCY:" "Darlene, how you doing?" "This is Percy." "I'm looking for Marilyn." "She left earlier." "I thought she'd be back by now." "I'm sorry, now, who is this?" "Percy." "Percy Jones." "I'm sorry, Percy, I must have fell asleep on the couch." "You say you're looking for Marilyn?" "Yeah, have you seen her?" "Well, now, what happened?" "What'd you say to my sister, Percy?" "Nothing." "Listen, if you hear from her, could you let me know?" "Will do, and I'll look forward to seeing you tomorrow at the party, right?" " Yeah, should be a lot of fun." " Goodbye." "Girl, you will never guess who was just on the phone." " A Mr. Percy A. Jones." " Percy A. Who?" "WOMAN:" "Oh, yeah." " Well, baby, he is feeling the pain now." "WOMAN:" "All right." "Mom, is that gonna be your last one?" "It might be, baby, and it might not." "Mom, you should be over there trying to work this out with Dad." "I should be trying to work it out with Simon." "Oh, Mom, please." "DARLENE:" "Child, leave your mama alone." "They ain't going nowhere." "Your man quit his job and didn't tell you." " Got to nip that shit in the bud." "THERESA:" "What?" "No, but..." "Look, I have 15 missed calls." "Fifteen, Mom." "Fifteen." " Fifteen?" "DARLENE:" "The baby got 15 missed calls." " Let him wait." " That's true." " I'm gonna call him." " No, no, no, you're not." "No, you're not." "WOMAN:" "No, don't you dare." " You take your finger off that trigger." "Did he lie to you, Theresa?" "Did he lie to you?" " Yes, he did." "DARLENE:" "So if you don't want him to do it again, let him feel the pain." " Let him feel the pain!" "Look, honey, and if you want him that bad, you got to train him." "ALL:" "Train his ass." "If what he giving you that good, and then you still don't want him send his pasty ass to me." "[ALL LAUGHING]" " All right, one more, and that's it." " Two." "There you go, baby." "There you go." " Hey." "WOMAN:" "Here's to you, baby." "MARCUS:" "Hey!" "I gotta go to work in the morning." "Hello?" "ALL:" "Sorry, Marcus." "DARLENE:" "I'm sorry, baby." "I'm sorry." "You want a taste?" "Thank you, Marcus." "This is my house." "[ALL LAUGHING]" " She won't answer the phone." " Don't wanna talk to you." " Can I get something to drink?" " What, vodka?" "Yes." "Vodka." "I would like some vodka." " Sorry, Charlie, no vodka." " There's gotta be something around here." "Marilyn was throwing an anniversary party." " Is throwing an anniversary party." "Is." " Was." "SIMON:" "Party's off, dude." " Party's on, dude." "And you won't find no liquor in here." "This is a Christian home." "SIMON:" "Bingo." "House full of sinners." "Marilyn's got good taste in vodka." "This is like a $50 bottle." "Give me that." "Give it here." "Give it here." " Can I at least have a little bit?" " No." "Just a taste?" "Come around here, get the two glasses over there." "Hurry up." "Hurry up." "Who's playing?" "Played." "That's history." "New York Giants' first Super Bowl win." " Talking about Phil Simms, L.T." " Yeah?" "Yeah." "PERCY:" "You ever play?" "[COUGHS]" " No, I told you before, no." " Pitiful." "All right, let's do it." "Do what?" "SIMON:" "Hike!" "Fumble!" "SIMON:" "You didn't say you were gonna kick me." "PERCY:" "Touchdown!" "Yeah, baby!" "SIMON:" "This is where your hands go." " Where?" " You're on the bottom, I'm on top." " All right, all right." "Okay, so you hold this frame." "One, and step." "Right." "PERCY:" "I'm leading." " Okay." "Back." "Nice." "Step." "Left." "Good." "Double time." " Okay, no, see, this..." " What's wrong?" " You're screwing around." " No, I'm not." "You're getting crazy, not holding your frame." "There's gotta be space between us." "It's not like we're sleeping together." "You're not holding your frame." "It's a structured dance." " Just back up." "PERCY:" "Your mama taught you this?" "Yes, I used to help her in the dance studio on weekends." " Step." " You get fired from that too?" "No." "I didn't get fired from this job, I quit." "It was over money?" "Because if it wasn't, it don't make no sense." "I had a difference of opinion with the management." "They weren't ready for a guy like me." " I don't get it." " And heads." "You're doing great." "I ain't talking about this." "I'm talking about you and Theresa." "You ain't got nothing in common." "For example:" "You don't like sports." "Theresa loves sports." "You're a businessman." "She's an artist." "You're white." "She's black." "Did I miss anything?" "No, that's just it, she's everything I'm not." "You know, she's my other half." "Without her, I'm not whole." "You know, the thing about meeting your other half is you're walking around, and you think you're happy." "You think you're whole." "Then you realize you ain't shit without her." "You can't go back to being just a half." "You know what it's like to be a whole." "You know what I mean?" "Yeah, I do." "And I still got it." " That was nice." " Yeah, real nice." " I thought the snap..." " You like that?" "SIMON:" "I think you hurt me." " Percy Jones, boy." "DANTE:" "Good morning." "Looks like I missed a fun night." "PERCY:" "Sitting up here watching football." " That's how it always starts." " Where's Marilyn?" " Stayed all night over at Darlene's house." "She must be really mad." "SIMON:" "You knew where they were the whole time?" " Yeah, I thought they'd be back by now." " Did you apologize?" " I didn't do anything." " Exactly." "Dante, please, don't try to play that metrosexual mind game on me, okay?" "Okay, all right." "Let's go get them." "You don't understand." "They done called all their friends." "They sat up all night ragging on men." "They worked themselves up into a man-hating frenzy." " How many women?" " I guarantee you large numbers." "Sisters." "You can't go walk in on a bunch of angry black women." "You'll die." "Well, we'll just have to go out like men." " He's right, Percy." " I know he's right, but I'm still scared." "DARLENE:" "Keep talking, girl." "naomi:" "I got a little." "I'm liking it." "Color?" "You gonna share your color?" " See, you don't share your color." " No, I'm not." "I'm not gonna do that." "Give up your secrets, honey." "This is gorgeous." "Pink passion." "Every woman needs this." "No, y'all know what I always say." "A little bit of makeup a little bit of hair ain't never hurt nobody." "Girl, you know I ain't lying." "PERCY:" "They're in there." "SIMON:" "Maybe I should go first." "Are you crazy?" "I'm the one who's got experience in this sort of thing." "You just pay attention." "I'll show you how it's done." "Straighten yourself up." "If you go up in there, man, go up in there like a man." " Oh, you got something..." " Thank you." "Yeah." " Man, I'm not gonna..." " No, no, we got this." "We got this." " Well, well, if it isn't Mr. Percy Jones." " It is I." "naomi:" "It's about time you showed up." " What's up?" "I'm well." " Percy." " Marilyn." "Marilyn, may I speak to you in private, please so the ladies can continue eating?" "naomi:" "Oh, no." "DARLENE:" "You can go on home with that." " Not going down like that, my brother." "naomi:" "No way, no how." "You know better than that." "You got something to say, you say it right here." " In front of everybody." "DARLENE:" "Step up to the chalk line and be a man." "Look, I married you, didn't I?" "Don't that count for something?" "DARLENE:" "Hell, no." " He want an award?" " That don't count." " Yeah, it really doesn't count." " Come on, now." "Oh, hell." "I was wrong, okay?" " It's a good start, Percy." " Keep going." "I've been wrong for a long time, ever since I forgot that you're my better half." "Hell, Marilyn, you're everything I'm not." "Without you, I'm not whole." "Look..." "Baby, before I met you, I thought I was all that." "And then you came into my life, and I realized I wasn't all that." "Wasn't even half of that." "Might have been a quarter of that." "But then you left me last night and I remembered how it felt to be without you." "And let me tell you something." "Man, I ain't shit without you." " Tell it." " Thank you." "PERCY:" "And I forgot about that and I'm sorry." "[WOMEN GASPING]" "Baby, marry me." "Make me whole again." " I love you, Percy." " I love you too." "DARLENE:" "That's what I'm talking about." " Get your man back, girl." "PERCY [MOUTHING]:" "I'm sorry." "MARILYN:" "I missed you." "PERCY:" "I couldn't sleep last night." "I'm sorry, baby, I'm sorry." "I feel so much better." "WOMAN:" "That's the reason I love you." " You know." "[CLEARING THROAT]" "Guess it's my turn, huh?" " Yep." " All right." "SIMON:" "Well, that's gonna be a tough speech to follow." " It was a great speech, Perc." " Thank you." "Yeah, I had something similar in mind." "Great minds think alike." "DARLENE:" "Admitting you were wrong is a start." " It would." " That's right." "Right." "Go ahead, man." "Baby, I was wrong!" "What are you doing?" "I wanna see your sexy body go bump, bump, bump." "naomi:" "Oh, no." " We have to talk in private." " What?" "THERESA:" "I don't wanna hear it." " No, no." "Mom." "naomi:" "Let's work this out." " Mom." "WOMAN:" "Oh, child, please." "Ladies, please." " Take your man, work out your business." "PERCY:" "That's right." "Go on, go on." "THERESA:" "Thank you." "naomi:" "Don't let him walk on you." "That ain't right." " Did he say "bump, bump, bump"?" " It was Percy's fault." "Those young kids are in love, they finally like each other, and y'all interfering." "My love's right here." "Don't tell me how to find my love." "Lord, have mercy." "Baby, come on." "Look, I was trying to impress your father." "I didn't wanna show up here and be the unemployed fiancé." "I've never lied to you before, and I will never lie to you again." "Ever." "You lied about asking my father for a loan." "That was an omission that was tied to a previous lie." "It doesn't..." " And I look like an idiot to you?" " No." "You look a little bit like Percy Jones, though." " I can't believe you're trying to be funny." " Baby." " Why are you trying to be funny?" " Come here." " Just don't touch me." " You need to calm down." "You made me look like an asshole." "Don't tell me to calm down." " You're doing a good job of it yourself." " What?" "Not telling them about me." "And then I pitched in, and I blew it, okay?" "L..." "I panicked when I found out Nathan was blackballing me." "I thought if I could score this IPO I'd have money until I got another job." " But I was doing that for you." " What am I, your mother?" "I don't need you to take care of me." "Do things with me, not for me, Simon." " Will you talk to me?" " I am talking to you." " No, you're talking at me." " I am talking to you, Simon but you need to talk to me and tell me how can I believe in you if you don't trust me enough to tell the truth?" "How do we get past this, with this skin, if we don't have each other's back, huh?" "Oh, okay, I'm always gonna be the white boy." "I'm always gonna be the black girl, but I'm willing to deal with it and I don't know about you." "I don't know." "And if you're gonna quit on me, do it and don't..." "I'm standing here." "I'm standing right here." "What more do you want from the white boy?" "I've busted my ass to make you happy." "Then let me make this easy for you." "The engagement is off." " Fine." " Good." "Great." "Great." "I'm in Jersey!" " Okay, stand still now." "PERCY:" "I'm still." "You all right?" "Yeah." "I'm fine." "I'm great." "It's gonna be a great day, Dad." " It sure is." " Yes." "And I'm gonna take lots of pictures, so you better smile big for me, okay?" " I will." " And no crying." " Mom said you cried last time." " I was not crying." "I was sweating from my eyeballs." "I was nervous." "I knew I was making a big mistake." "A 25-year mistake." "And going for 25 more." "Sweetheart why don't you call that man." "You know he got his cell phone, you know he does." "He's probably waiting on the 5: 15 train." "We got a party going on." "You get his ass back here." " How many missed calls last night?" " Thirty-three." " Thirty-three?" " Yeah." " Thirty-three?" " Yeah." "Thirty-three missed calls?" "Sweetheart, that's major." "And you know the man unemployed." "Yes, but he called you, so give him that." "Thirty-three missed calls, and you can't call him once?" " Girl, don't be so proud." " No, Dad, it's not..." "Pride ain't nothing when it comes to matters of the heart." " It's not that." " It's not?" "No." "It's..." "I was gonna marry him." " What?" " We were going to announce our engagement this weekend." "So you see I have you to thank because you saved me from a big heartache." "Sweetheart, I just don't understand something." " Why did Simon quit his job?" " I don't know, he didn't say." "Why quit on the day he's gonna meet his future father-in-law?" "Maybe he got tired of waiting for that promotion that never happened." "Simon's a rising star, Dad." "He really is." "I believe that." "Oh, but that boss of his is just not a nice man." " You ever met him?" " A couple of times." "He was always friendly, kind of." "But he always had this look in his eyes, you know." "It just..." "Just not a nice man." "But he was Simon's mentor, so..." "Whatever." "Let it go." "Today is about you and Mom." "Okay." "Now, first picture of the night." " Let me get on my good side." " Smile." "Smile." "I don't want Mom to see me like this." " I love you, Dad." " I love you too." "Damn." "DANTE:" "Oh, no, no." "Do not do this to me, Percy Jones." "We have a schedule." "Ticktock." "Everything works." "Timing." " I'll be right back." "DANTE:" "Timing." " I'll be right back." " In 10 minutes?" " Or so, okay?" " How so?" "Oh, I'm sorry." "Percy, have you met my wife, Diane?" "Well, I've certainly heard a lot about you, Percy." "Nice to meet you." " Does Marilyn know you're going AWOL?" " Of course." "She does not." "Marilyn." "Marilyn!" " Marilyn?" "MAN:" "Right, yeah, that's good." "DANTE:" "Marilyn?" "[HONKING HORN]" "[TRAIN BELL RINGING]" "So you missed your train, huh?" " There's another one at 6." " You gonna be on it?" "I should've been on that one." "What are you doing here?" "I know why you quit your job." "You told your boss you was coming here." "He said, "Don't marry that black girl."" "Those weren't exactly the words." "How'd you know we were getting married?" "I told you, son, don't nothing get past Percy Jones." " Theresa told you." " That too." "Come on, man, let's get real." "What you did with your boss was honorable, impressive and stupid." "Can't quit your job every time somebody roll their eyes at you two." "You'll never make any money." "How do you do 25 years?" "Painfully." "No, seriously if you gonna marry one of these women, sometimes it's gonna hurt." "All you can do is admit you're wrong and know that she's always right." " She's right?" " That's right." " Always?" " Right." " Right." " That's right." "All right." " What about the talk about my dignity?" " Do you love her?" "Do you want her?" "Then she's always right." "Look, I know I didn't give you a fair shake." "And I was wrong." "And my daughter, she'd be lucky to have you." "I'm not a quitter, Mr. Jones." "I think I know that about you." "Theresa doesn't." "Well, you'll just have to show her what you're made of." "You know she's a hothead, just like her mama." "Every man gets to choose his destiny, son no matter what his father did." "MARILYN:" "And, Percy, you are not perfect, but that works for me." "Because two perfect people in one relationship might be too much." "Sometimes you bark and bluff and bluster but I always see the boy I married 25 years ago and I only wish I loved him as much as I did back then, but I don't." "I love him more." "MAN:" "Thank you, Marilyn, that was lovely." "Percy, your vows." "Marilyn Jones, everyone knows I didn't write my vows." "Everyone knows because you kept beating me up about it crying to all your friends." " What?" "You know?" "Now, look here, woman, I love you." "But you didn't have to do me like that about my vows." "And you know I don't like writing." "She knows that." "I'm not a wordsmith." "I do numbers." "That's me." "I don't do words." "And, damn it, I do money." "And after 25 years all I've asked you is to let me be me." "["YOU'LL NEVER FIND ANOTHER LOVE LIKE MINE" PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]" "[SINGING] You'll never find" " Oh, no." "Oh, no." " As long as you shall live" "Oh, Lord." " Someone to love you WAITERS [SINGING]:" "Love you, love you" " Tender like I do WAITERS:" "Tender like I do" "You don't know nothing about me." "You'll never find" "No matter where you search" "I'm not looking." " Someone to care about you WAITERS:" "Care about you, care about you" " The way I do WAITERS:" "The way I do" "Oh, I'm not braggin ' on myself, baby" "But I'm the only one that loves you" "I think I forgot what love is until you and Simon showed up." "Give that man another chance, daughter." "SIMON [SINGING]:" "You'll never find" "DANTE:" "Here." " Simon." " Simon." "Yes, Simon." "It'll take the end of all time" "Someone who understands you" "Like I do" "That's not Jamal." "I could probably find a million reasons why we shouldn't be together but you know what?" "I don't care." "I don't care either." " I love you." " And I'm sorry that I lied to you." "I'm sorry too." "You're sorry?" "Can you say that again?" " I'm sorry, Simon." " You're sorry?" " She said she was sorry." "I believe..." " I'm sorry, Simon." "Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure to introduce to you all my future son-in-law, Simon Green." "He's broke, unemployed and he's white but he loves my Theresa and that's all right with us." "Welcome to the family, son." "Welcome to the family." "DANTE:" "And cue the magic." "Wow." " Look at this." " Will you look at that shit." "Drink up, enjoy." "Ow." "Welcome, man." "SIMON:" "Let's watch the tango." "PERCY:" "No, let's watch the party." "THERESA:" "The tango, Daddy, the tango." "PERCY:" "Get your feet off the table." "SIMON:" "Sorry, sir." "MARILYN:" "I look pretty good." "THERESA:" "That's you, Mom." "PERCY:" "Baby, you look good." "You look so good because you're twirling around me." "MARILYN:" "Okay." "THERESA:" "There you go, there you go." "SIMON:" "You blew that part." "PERCY:" "That was perfect." "SIMON:" "There was hesitation." " You did it better the night before." "MARILYN:" "The night before?" "SIMON:" "We had a little dry run the night before." "MARILYN:" "You didn't tell me that, Percy." "PERCY:" "You're hallucinating, Simon." "I ain't never danced with no man in my life." "SIMON:" "Taught him everything he knows." "PERCY:" "I was born knowing how to tango." "And let me tell you something about the tango." " It's a structured dance." "SIMON:" "I told you that." "[GASPS]" "THERESA:" "What was that, Mom?" "MARILYN:" "You know what that is." "You're a grown-ass woman." "KEISHA:" "Damn, Mama, you still got it." "MARILYN:" "I know it." "PERCY:" "All right, now watch this." "This is when I got funky." "Go Percy." "ALL:" "Go, Percy." "Go, Percy." "Go, Percy." "SIMON:" "You completely lost your form." "MARILYN:" "Let's watch the vows." "PERCY:" "Let's watch the party." "SIMON:" "We're watching the party." "MARILYN:" "Okay, fine, whatever." "THERESA:" "There you are." "SIMON:" "I got her." "That girl is mine." "THERESA:" "Well, I was just shocked you didn't fall down, baby." "SIMON:" "That is cold." "I'm..." "Check me..." "I am doing the hustle." "THERESA:" "You are." "SIMON:" "I'm doing it in your honor, Percy." "PERCY:" "You ain't no damn hustler." "A white man overbite." "You ain't even doing that good." "SIMON:" "Why's it gotta be a white thing?" "Black people have overbites." "THERESA:" "He's doing a great hustle." "KEISHA:" "He's turning it out." "KEISHA:" "Hold up." "Why is my man looking at your ass, Theresa?" "PERCY:" "Why is your man Samoan?" "MARILYN:" "Where is Mani these days?" "KEISHA:" "We broke up last week." "PERCY:" "Thank you, Jesus." "THERESA:" "What happened?" "KEISHA:" "I only went out with him to mess with Daddy." "And, girl, please, he is too big." " He is a bone crusher." "PERCY:" "Watch your mouth." "KEISHA:" "What?" "PERCY:" "Don't use the word "bone" in my house." "SIMON [ON TV]:" "Put it in drive." "Back up the truck." " Put it in drive." " Yeah." "KEISHA:" "Where were y'all going, Dad?" "SIMON:" "What the...?" "Let's see that again." "PERCY:" "Your mother and I got a sudden thirst for punch." "You're old enough." "We're going to shake some sheets." "Is that all right with you?" "SIMON:" "I thought you said no bone in the house." " No, no." " For everyone that wants to see it  we do the lift." "We're doing the lift." "SIMON:" "This is good, this is good." "THERESA:" "I was so sure you were gonna drop me." "I love you!" "SIMON:" "This is Dirty Dancing." "I've done this since high school." " Yeah!" "Oh, yeah!" "Who's the man?" "THERESA:" "You did it with other girls?" "SIMON:" "No." "No, baby, I only do that with you." "SIMON [ON TV]:" "I got one more for you!" "KEISHA:" "I know that hurt." "SIMON:" "That..." "Yeah." "That move there, that's why you're not getting any grandkids." "PERCY:" "Let me call your mama right now and thank her for those dance lessons." "SIMON:" "That's a low blow." "PERCY:" "That is just a joke." "THERESA:" "Simon!" "MAN:" "Come on, I'll catch your big ass." "KEISHA:" "We're down." "It's good she didn't break that dress." "MARILYN:" "She didn't, but she felt bad about it." "PERCY:" "They gotta go deep." "SIMON:" "I knew better." "THERESA:" "Oh, my God." "SIMON:" "It was a great party." "THERESA:" "It was, Mom." "PERCY:" "Yeah, I guess a party's not a party until something get broke." "Subtitles by SDI Media Group" "[ENGLISH SDH]"