" Hot in Cleveland is recorded in front of a live studio audience." "Are we ready?" "Now, this is the red carpet for the Cleveland rhapsody premiere, and you are the press." " Ms. chase, who did you bring with you tonight?" " Oh, I brought my daughter emmy." "And no, she's not my sister." "[Chuckles]" " No one said that." " Someone will." "Emmy is an actress as well, starring in the upcoming tnt series Cole's law." " Coleslaw?" " No, it's Cole's law." "She plays betthany Cole, a Miami beach lawyer." " Oh, well, it'll be great to see emmy again." "I don't know who I'm gonna ask to the premiere." "Who are you asking, joy?" " Stone van buren." "My boss' cousin." "Well, at first I was skeptical, but then Bob showed me his picture at the office." "He's a model." "I'm dating a model." "We've been flirt texting, but I'm ready to officially invite him." " Well, this is good." "You're getting over Simon." " Well, not really." "But you know how sometimes people are so hot they make you forget how much you love other people?" " Oh, I've been there." " [Murmurs in agreement]" "[Cell phone beeps]" " Oh, he texted back." ""I'd love to go." ""In fact, I've been wanting to ask you out for a while." "#secretcrush, haha."" "Oh, no, why is he texting like a loser?" " No, this is my phone!" "I was in the middle of texting my dentist about my appointment." "Now my dentist thinks I asked him to the premiere." "[Cell phone rings]" "Oh, it's him." "Hi, Dr. wormser." "Okay, Larry." "[Chuckles uncomfortably] Oh, yes." "About that text-- uh, oh, no." "I've never been told that I have foxy bicuspids." "Okay, see you then." "I hate you." " I'm sorry." "I just don't feel sexy wearing my reading glasses when I'm texting men." "[Cell phone beeps]" " Ugh, now he's texting me." "Oh, he wants me to friend him on Facebook, follow him on Twitter, and he just posted a photo of my mouth on instagram." "Thanks to you, joy," "I am dating a chronic status updater." " Melanie, sweetie, I'm sorry, but there can only be so much happiness in the world at one time, and right now, it's mine." "I'm going out with a model." " I have a major announcement to make." " Hey, that's my thing." " I've taken a lover." " Hey, that's my thing." " [Clears throat]" "Sorry to interrupt." "I'm Luke." "Hey, babe, um, what's the wi-fi password?" " My measurements." " I've got those memorized." " [Giggles]" " Okay, I'll say it." "What the..." "[Doorbell chimes]" " That must be emmy." "Emmy, my darling." "Oh." " Hi." "The dry cleaner was dropping this off." "I said I'd bring it in." " Oh, thank you." "[Both squeal]" " Congratulations!" " It's beautiful, isn't it?" " What a surprise." " I know." "I usually shy away from this color, but I thought, it's a premiere, so why not?" " Not the dress, you idiot, your daughter." " Oh, my God." "You--you got fat." "[Upbeat music]" " ♪ Ba-ba, ba-ba" "♪ ba-ba, ba-ba" "♪ hey!" " I'm eight months along." " Well, you look beautiful, and I'm so happy for you." "But I'm a little surprised." "Why didn't you tell me?" " Because I didn't think you'd approve of me getting pregnant while my career was taking off." " Well, it's not ideal, but if the Kardashians have taught us anything, it's the value of a baby bump." "Now, obviously we missed the "is she or isn't she" cover stories, but we can still speculate on who the celebrity father is." " I know who the father is." "His name is Alan." "He's a teacher." " Oh, on what show?" " He's not an actor." "He's a fourth grade social studies teacher." " Darling, call me old-fashioned, but in my day, an actress got knocked up by her director or costar." " And I'm not knocked up." "I'm married." " Oh, that's lovely." " You're--you're married?" " We eloped after I found out that I was pregnant with melon." " And who is melon?" " That's the baby's name." " Melon?" "As in short for Melanie?" " No, melon as in the fruit." "Melanie's such a dated name." "It makes me think of a sad, old woman sitting in an armchair." " You do realize my name is Melanie." " She may have forgotten that she met you before." "She has a brain tumor." " Oh, hi, Melanie." "I'm emmy." " Hey, babe?" "Um..." "I'm running our bath." "Are you feeling Jasmine or lavender?" " Surprise me, lover." " And on that delicious note," "I need to be going." "Don't want to be late for my lunch date with stone van buren." " Ooh, he sounds sexy." " Indeed he is." " And I don't want to be late for my dentist appointment with Larry wormser." " Ooh, he sounds less sexy." " Indeed he is." " Well, now that I'm over the shock of it," "I do think that this baby could be a blessing in disguise." "Now, the first thing to do is sit down with your publicist from Cole's law." " It's Cole's..." "Law." "Anyway, I'm quitting the show." "I have too much on my plate for Cole's law." " Well, now I'm just hungry." " What do you mean you're quitting the show?" " I'm gonna be a stay-at-home mom." " A what?" " Oh, here we go." " Look, I said nothing about the pregnancy." " You said it wasn't ideal." " I kept quiet about the marriage." " You said that I should have gotten knocked up by a director." " But I can keep silent no longer." "You can't quit." "Being an actress has always been our dream." "Being other people is who we are." " And being pregnant changed all that." "I don't want to raise my child in an environment that is so superficial and meaningless." " Oh, you're saying that my life is superficial and meaningless?" " No, I'm saying that what we do is superficial and meaningless." " Oh, well, then, maybe you don't need to go to something as superficial as a movie premiere." " Oh, well, maybe I don't." "Let's go, melon." "And do not let this waddle undermine my dramatic exit." " Joy." " Bob, what are you doing here?" " Well, I heard you had a lunch date with my cousin stone." "Thought I'd introduce you, smooth the way." " Okay." "Guess he's late, huh?" " Yeah." " I'll text him." " Oh, that's not necessary." "We could-- [cell phone beeps]" " No." " Let me explain." " You're stone van buren?" " Oh, I don't need to explain." " But we've been texting, sometimes sexting." " Yes, some of our exchanges were quite racy." "But perhaps a part of you knew you were texting me all along." " No part of me knew that." "Wait, if you're stone, who's this hot guy in the picture you texted me?" " Oh, that's a pic from gq." "It's supposed to inspire me to eat better and exercise more." "I guess we can both see it's been working." " So you just make up a fake cousin?" " I had my reasons, joy." " Look, I mentioned you to my parents in Canada." "They saw your picture, and, well, they made some assumptions." " What do you mean, "assumptions"?" " They assumed I was telling the truth when I said you were my fiancee." " Your fiancee?" " Joy, my mom and dad think I'm a huge loser, but since they found out I could land a beautiful woman like you, well, they're just dying to meet you." " [Scoffs]" "Well, that's not going to happen." "I will not be part of this charade, flying up to Canada to meet your parents." " No need, they're right here." " What?" "This is insane." "I have to tell them that you fabricated this entire thing." " Oh, joy, no, wait." " Hi." " Uh..." " Listen, Bob and I-- we're not engaged, and we're not a couple." "And sorry to disappoint, but we never will be." "Oh, look." "They've taken the news quite well." "They don't seem upset at all." " My parents are deaf, joy." "They don't read lips." "They didn't understand a word you just said." " Yeah, uh-huh." " What's he saying?" " He says he can't believe you're real." "He was sure I'd made you up." " Well, I've seen sign language before, and that didn't look-  oh, we don't use standard sign language because, well, I never really got the hang of it." "It's hard." " No." "No, mom." "I don't think she's too old." " Bob, your parents aren't very nice." " Oh, and you just assumed they'd be nice because they're deaf." " No, because they're Canadian." " Well, if you think they're mean here, you should see what comes out of their hands when we're at home." " Oh, you poor thing." "Just tell them that I care for their son very much." " Joy, they're deaf." "If we really want to convince them," "I'm afraid they'll have to read our lips." " Oh, fine." " Mom says-- - yeah." "Yeah." "I know what that one means." " Ah." "Hold on." "Quick shot." "I'm posting this on Twitter." "#ivebeeninhermouthallmorning." " Because he's my dentist." "So what is it you do, Luke?" " Oh, live, learn, love." "I'm a bit of a renaissance man." "Renaissance faire man." "Elka and I role-play." "She's the village milkmaid." " My milk churns bring all the boys to the yard." " Did you patch things up with emmy?" " No, I made it worse." "She's packing and booking a flight home, and the hardest part is, I know her." "She'll be miserable if she gives up acting." " That is the tough part about having adult children." "You have to let them make their own choices and mistakes." " You know, as the man of the house, um..." "I don't know, I feel like I need to weigh in here." "Um, you know, my grandfather was critical of the way my mom was living her life, so she never let me see him, and I never got to know him." " Elka's lover is right." "I want to see my grandchild." "I want to be a part of emmy's life." "So I've just got to apologize and keep my opinions to myself." " Oh, well, sometimes a little fighting can be a positive thing in a relationship too." "Elka and I have gone a few rounds, haven't we, babe?" "But then again, things are bound to turn hot when fire meets fire." " You sure you can keep your opinions to yourself, Victoria?" " I'm doing it now." "Oh, my beautiful daughter, so plump with child." "I'm so happy you stayed in Cleveland to be with me on my big night." " I'm glad we made up." "Thank you for saying that you agreed with all my choices." " Well, it's easy when your choices are so great and carefully thought out." " Instagram time, people." "I'm gonna tweet this photo." "Hey, how about a retweet for Cleveland's most interactive dentist from the star of coleslaw?" " It's Cole's law." " What did I say?" " And I closed my account now that I'm having the writers kill off my character." " What?" "But, darling, if they kill off your character, you can't go back." " That's what I want." "I mean, you can't really be a good mom and keep acting." " Oh, I kept acting." " Yes, you did." " Wow, a lot of unresolved parent-child issues there, eh, joy toy?" " You're one to talk." "A middle-aged man pretending to have a fiancee to please his mean, deaf parents?" "Be a man and stand up to them." " I've tried." "I just can never find the right gestures." " Yes, I was a working mother, working to provide you with anything you wanted." "What, you think all the other children had Mandy patinkin come to their sixth birthday party?" " I didn't know who he was, and I wanted urkel." " I still don't know what that is." " Don't you understand?" "I don't want to be a mother like you." " Take that back." " I won't." " Fine." "A dramatic pause then." " Punctuated by an angry sigh." "[Both sigh angrily]" " I'm sensing kind of a bad vibe here." "Maybe a drink would help?" "Can I freshen that for you, babe?" " I'm good, lover." " Okay." " #confused." "What exactly is your guys' deal?" " There's no deal, man." "We just enjoy each other." " Our souls touch." " And everything else." " [Giggles]" " Oh, I feel sick." " We all do, honey." " It's not that." "Something's happening." " What?" " What?" " Emmy." " Emmy, are you okay?" " Something's happening?" " Yes." "Melon is telling me that he or she wants to come out." " No, no, no, no, no, no." "Melon doesn't want that." "What's that, melon?" "Oh, you want the red carpet to go on as scheduled?" "You can do this, emmy." "Now, I went into labor when I was in the hot tub with don Johnson shooting a scene for Miami vice, and I held you in until they yelled "cut."" " You held back labor and stayed in a hot tub?" " With don Johnson!" " [Groaning]" " Oh, wait a minute." "Wait, wait a minute." "You just allowed your face to become unattractive." "It's real pain." "You're really in labor." "I thought you were just trying to pull focus." " I was at first, but then the real thing kicked in." "Even I'm not that good of an actress." " She's not wrong." "I've seen Cole's law." " It's Cole's..." "Law." "Ooh!" " It's okay, honey." "All right, we're gonna go straight to the hospital." " What about the premiere?" " Emmy, my baby is having a baby." "Now, that's all that matters." " But there's no time." "This baby is coming out." " You're a doctor." "Do something." " Me?" "All I could do is tell her she's brushing her teeth wrong." "I could tell all of you that." " I know what to do." "Look, her contractions are coming less than a minute apart, so she's in the second stage of labor." "My mother was a midwife." "The only porn I saw as a kid was birthing videos, but stop them in the right place, they get you there." " Squeeze my hand and breathe." " Let's get ready for that beautiful baby." " [Groaning]" " Don't you worry, emmy." "I know what I'm doing." "You just try to relax." " Luke, sing our bath time song." " [Clears throat]" "♪ In silken robes of Scarlet ♪" "♪ Scarlet fringed with blue ♪" " Thanks, we're good." " No, I like it." " ♪ My elka love comes a-riding ♪" "Both:" "♪ charging through the dew" " oh, my." " She's adorable." " Aw." " She's so beautiful." " #thathappened." " Emmy, she is so beautiful." " I know." "She looks like you." " Oh, honey." " Mom, I'm sorry about all those things I said to you." "I was scared just now, but I kept thinking, my mom's here, and she's gonna know what to do." " Well, I'm sorry too." "Look, I was just feeling guilty about not being there as a mom and-- but when you became an actress," "I was just so happy because we had that connection." "But I understand that you are a separate person, and I respect the choices you've made." " I love you, mom." " I love you too." "And you are a very lucky little girl." " [Chuckles]" "Bob, thanks for everything." "You were a real rock." " Oh, really." " Yes, that was very impressive, Bob." "Maybe there's a little stone van buren in you after all." " Oh, well, maybe I could arrange to put a little stone van buren in you." " And you had to ruin it." " We're at the theater, Ms. chase, and your daughter's ambulance should be here soon." " Forget the premiere." "I'm going to the hospital with emmy and my grand-- my daughter-daughter." " Oh, my gosh, I have to call my husband." " Oh, oh, of course." "I keep forgetting that you're married." "Can't wait to meet-- that's Alan?" "He's gorgeous." " He was a model." " Oh, my God." "That's stone van buren." "That's who I thought he was." " Yeah, well, you got to admit there is kind of a resemblance." "I mean, I used to do a little modeling in my day." "Huskeralls:" "Overalls for the portly child." " In his defense, he's still gorgeous." " Yes, he is." "I didn't marry him just because he was a teacher." " Oh, you're still a little shallow, aren't you?" " Little bit." " That's my girl." " What's that, melon?" "You want to hear another glowing review." "Well, I can't say no to you." "Oh, here's one from the Hawaii tribune herald." ""Victoria chase stuns in a layered heartfelt performance."" "Wow, that holo kamehameha really knows his cinema." "Oh, look at you." "The camera is gonna love you." "Oh, I see you have emmy's original nose." "Well, I know what I'm gonna get you for your 16th birthday." "[Upbeat music]" " ♪ Ba-ba, ba-ba" "♪ ba-ba, ba-ba" "♪ ba-ba, ba-ba" "♪ ba-ba, ba-ba" "♪" "♪ hey!"