"One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six," "Shake it, dude." "Cue the pulse to begin" "Cue the pulse to begin" "Cue the pulse to begin" "Cue the pulse to begin" "Married?" "Married?" "Oh my god!" " Yeah, we did it in Toronto." " Where it's actually legal." "We wish you'd been there with us." "Oh, us too." "Well, I'm going to cry anyway." "When we get back we'll all go out and celebrate." "The two married couples." "Call us if the baby crosses the finish line before we do." "Oy, vey!" "Stop with the worrying." "See you in a few days." "And congratulations." "Okay, bye." "B-bye... bye." "Married." "Legally." "Yeah, at least in Canada." "Some day, here." "That's when gay people will find out:" ""Be careful what you wish for." "It might come true"." "That's for sure." "What makes them think they'll be any better at it than those long-suffering straight people?" "Yeah, the only people who'll profit from it are divorce lawyers." "They'll have a whole new clientele to bill." "I guess that's one good thing about not being allowed to marry." "Not having to get a divorce." "Next." "How long were you in Canada?" "Two days." "Purpose of visit?" "We're doing a bicycle ride for charity." "Both your names are on this." "It says spouses can use the same form." "Um, while we were in Toronto, officer, we took advantage of the fact that same-sex marriages are legal." "So we tied the knot." "They're husband and husband." "Who's he?" "Our son." "Now, this may be legal in Canada, but the United States of America doesn't recognize gay marriages." "Oh, come on, officer, they're just a couple of crazy kids who fell in love and got hitched." "Give 'em a break." "If you want to enter the country, you're going to have to fill out two separate forms, as single individuals." "Next!" "Did you bring any fruit into the country?" "250 of them, on bicycles." "The purpose of your visit to Canada was" ""To experience the greatest joy I've ever known seeing my gay son marry his lover"." "You got a problem with that, Butz?" "Ma." "As I explained to your son, the government of the United States doesn't recognize gays getting married." "But you do recognize Britney Spears getting loaded and married one night, and having it annulled the next morning." "Or two total strangers getting married for a million fucking bucks on television." "Now, is that the sanctity of marriage that you assholes are protecting?" "Ma!" "Well, what is this shit?" "Not letting you back in your own country?" "Like your marriage doesn't count?" "You know, if it's good enough for Canada, and the Queen of fucking England, then it's good enough for Butz." "Ma'am?" "Do you like smoked salmon?" "What does that have to do with anything?" "'Cause if you don't shut up, you're going to spend the rest of your life in Nova Scotia." "Next." "I had these mocked up just to get a feel." "Huh." "It feels unreal." "For now, but not for long." "I also asked a production designer I have in mind to do a rendering of Rage's lair." "What do you think?" "Uh... it's good." "It needs to be darker." "Not dark scary, but dark sexy." "A place you dream of getting fucked in." "And his bed should be more centre and raised, like an altar." "Since Rage's sexual energy is what motivates the character and drives the action." "I couldn't have put it better myself." "Brett, Marty's on the line." "Hi, Marty." "Yeah, it was a good meeting." "That's why I wanted you to meet him." "Uh-huh." "Well, if you say so." "You're the boss." "We got the green light." "That's awesome." "You were awesome." "You showed everyone in that meeting the one thing Hollywood fears most." "Bad hair?" "Honesty." "I was just speaking my mind." "Say, you hungry?" "Getting a go always makes me famished." "Blair, get me a table at Spago." "You got it." "If you're lucky, we may have a Nancy Reagan sighting." "Oh, and, uh, cancel Mr. Taylor's flight." "He'll be staying until tomorrow." "What for?" "You just got a picture picked up." "You can't leave town without celebrating." "This seat taken?" "Oh, god." "My aching tush." "It's been given a workout before, but never like this." "How's yours?" "It's fine." "Well, how are your meat balls?" "They're both fine." "Well, something's not fine." "Tomorrow's my birthday." "Unless you've been reborn, your birthday's in august." "My 12-step birthday." "It'll be 6 months since I've been in the program." "I'll drink to that." "Just trying to keep things gay." "I don't feel very gay right now." "This is exactly what I was afraid of." "It's the longest I've gone without a meeting since getting out of rehab and..." "I am feeling nervous, anxious... lost." "There you go, honey." "There's plenty more if you want seconds." "Deb, why don't you sit down and eat something?" "I'm not hungry." "Come on, ma, you need to keep up your strength too." "Goddamn border guard, not letting you in." "He was just following the law." "Marriage doesn't exist." "At least, not for us, not here." "But it will." "Once the snowball starts rolling, there's no way to stop it." "This way." "Right over here." "What?" "Oh, my god!" "Well?" "What the fuck is that?" "Well, you've been to enough heterosexual suicide pacts to know." "This is a wedding cake." "It's for your reception." "I mean where'd it come from?" "And in the middle of nowhere." "We're back in the U.S. Of A. For enough money, you can buy anything." "And here's a little something to wash it down with." "That stuff costs a fortune." "I'll pour." "Ah, the fuck you will." "You're the last person I ever expected to be celebrating a marriage." "Oh, no." "To the Novotny-Bruckners." "Long may it wave." "A Klezmer band?" "What were you expecting, Tommy Dorsey?" "Where will you go?" "I'll find an apartment." "Hopefully, near Gus's school." "We don't want to pull him out." "It'll be traumatic enough as it is." "For all of us." "God, these are good." "Baking's very therapeutic." "Chocolate chip therapy." "Could put every shrink out of business." "I also think we should keep all the accounts the same, at least for now." "No need to throw everything into chaos." "I agree." "Where're you going?" "To the bathroom, for the 10,000th time today." "Oh, yes." "I remember it well." "I'll go give Gus his bath." "How do we explain all of this to him?" "I don't know." "I guess we wait 15 years, and he'll tell us the reason he's so screwed up is because of his crazy mothers." "Hey, I..." "I'll do that." "No, as long as I'm up, I'll get it." "Happy birthday, baby." "Mind not rubbing it in?" "Who's rubbing it in?" "Check it out." "you know, mister hunky with the broad shoulders and big arms who hauls our tents around?" "He's from these parts and he says we're not too far from this town..." "Little Hope." "See?" "Where?" "There." "That's a smudge." "It's a town, and they have a 12-step meeting every day at the first Methodist church." "Although it's such a small town, probably just do a 2-step." "A lot of good that does me." "It's not even on our route." "No, but if we veer off here, ride to Little Hope there, we could take this road back and rejoin the group, ici." "Hm?" "Well, it's not a totally idiotic idea." "Thanks." "I didn't mean..." "Thanks, Em." "Really." "See?" "Told you I'd be here for you, didn't I?" "Hey, sport." "How you doing?" "Never should have had that second piece of wedding cake." "Hmm." "But when the love of your life marries somebody else, what choice do you have but to drown yourself in butter cream filling?" "You'll burn it off in no time." "'Cause I'm the man!" "You are, dude." "Fuck the doctors." "And fuck the nay-sayers." "I'm still young," "I'm still guh-guh-gor-juss." "I'm still hot." "You know it." "Look, Mikey, no hands." "Oh, my god!" "Are you all right?" "Are you hurt?" "Careful, careful." "Brian?" "Brian, can you get up?" "Well, it looks to me like you've broken your clavicle." "And it hurts like a motherfucker." "That'll teach you to cruise guys no-handed." "The good news is, it seems like it's a clean break so it'll mend well." "Did I mention that it hurts like a motherfucker?" "Is he going to have to wear a cast?" "Because of where he injured himself, all we can do is wrap it." "I'm sure I mentioned it hurts like a motherfucker." "We will give you some vicodin." "Ah, hear that?" "Just like Babylon." "And then we'll send you home." "Excuse me?" "We're going to take you in for some x-rays, and then we'll find a volunteer to drive you back to Pittsburgh." "Sorry, buddy." "Ride's over." "Oh, god." "I'm scared, Linz." "This is all so weird." "I know." "I've been through it." "Now, how many husbands can say that to their wives?" "Okay, I'm going to be right back for you, hon." "Don't go anywhere." "I remember feeling so left out when you had Gus." "Aren't you grateful you're getting to experience this yourself?" "No!" "I want them to knock me out." "Wake me up when this fucking thing's over." "Don't leave." "Stay." "Get me through this." "And give up my theatre tickets?" "Okay, the room's all ready for you." "Okay, just take it easy." "That was a bitch of a contraction." "Now do you remember what we learned at Lamaze?" "Oh." "Barely." "It'll come back to you." "Here's your focal point." "Now start your breathing." "One..." "Two..." "Three." "That's it." "That's the way." "Keep going." "The paramedic said there's no way he can finish." "That sucks the hairy wang." "Now what?" "Some volunteer's got to drive him home." "Poor guy." "He worked so hard." "I'm going to go set the table for 250." "What's for dinner?" "Uh, rack of lamb with, uh, porcini risotto, or lobster in truffle sauce, and chocolate soufflé for dessert." "Really?" "Okay." "Chopped beef and tuna surprise." "Personally, I don't care for surprises." "Ted and Emmett better get back from their sightseeing excursion or they're going to miss it." "Excuse me." "Pardon me, mister." "You talking to me?" "You're in severe pain." "You should be resting." "What the hell are you doing?" "Practicing riding one-handed." "You're not seriously..." "Yes, I am seriously." "But you're seriously injured." "Could we stop using the word seriously?" "They're sending someone to take you back." "I'm not going." "Yes you are." "The paramedic told you..." "Fuck what the paramedic told me." "There's no way you can bicycle all the way back to..." "And stop telling me what I fucking can't do." "See you on the road." "Hey Brett." "Go ahead." "Hey, Brett." "Nice to see you." "This place seems pretty exclusive." "Nah, they're just people." "Rich people." "Gorgeous people." "Famous people." "Something tells me you'll feel at home here in no time." "It's going to be tough going back to Pittsburgh after this." "Hey, Brett." "Then why go?" "Stay here." "Work in the movies." "Isn't that everyone's dream?" "It was mine." "And do what?" "Assistant art director on "Rage"." "Are you kidding?" "You've got talent, passion, ambition, and if I may add, the backing of an A-list director." "What else do you need?" "How long would I be here for?" "Six, eight months, depending on the schedule." " Brettski!" " Hey, Con." "You, uh, remember Justin?" "Of course." "The man who makes Rage fly." "It's nice to see you again." "Fenderman gave us the green light." "Awesome." "Congrats." "A script's coming your way, so keep going to the gym." "Those tights show no mercy." "Come on, I'll buy you guys a drink to celebrate." "Then maybe we can go back to my place." "I'd love to, but there are some faces I want to flaunt the news in." "But why don't you two go?" "I think we should have taken a left at this little squiggle here." "I thought you knew how to read a map." "Of course I know how to read a map." "You go down this road, make a left at "up yours", then continue on about three miles to "go fuck yourself"." "Teddy, what is it?" "It's dark, we're lost," "I'm never making it to that meeting," "I'm having a panic attack... and why did I listen to you in the first place?" "Just trying to help." "Well, you're only making things worse." "You know what?" "We're going to have a meeting, right here, right now." "With what?" "Livestock?" "It only takes two people to have a meeting, right?" "One to talk, one to listen." "Uh, this meeting will now come to order." "Now what?" "Well, since it's my birthday, someone needs to introduce me." "Well, guess that would be me." "Uh..." "Attention, everyone." "We have a birthday tonight." "That's right." "Six months, clean and sober." "You know him." "You love him." "The one, the only, Ted Schmidt." "How was that?" "Perfect, if I was appearing at the Copacabana." "And we only use first names." "It's anonymous." "Oh, sorry, Ted." "Go on." "Get up there." "This is ridiculous." "Hi." "I'm Ted" "I'm a substance abuser." "You're supposed to say, "Hi, Ted"." "Oh, right." "Hi, Ted." "Now what?" "Well, now I tell everyone, or in this case, one, that it's my birthday, and then they bring me a cake." "Cake." "Cake." "Oh..." "How's this?" "What next?" "Then I share." "Six months ago, my life was out of control." "I was lost." "But now, thanks to Bill W., the good lord, and the program... my life has turned around." "I now have faith." "I have purpose." "But most of all..." "I have wonderful friends... who've stood by me... and helped lead me down the right road." "Thank god they didn't need a map to do it." "Uh." "Thank you for listening." "Thank you, ladies." "And then we cut the cake." "Happy birthday, teddy." "Thanks, Em." "What do we do now?" "Now is when we usually go out for coffee." "That's it." "I'm..." "I'm calling for help." "The fuck you are." "Would you just go on and ride with your husband?" "And leave you alone?" "I'll be all right." "Yeah, I can see that." "I'm staying here with you." "Why are you doing this?" "To show everyone what a hero you are?" "That despite insurmountable odds, the great Kinney can cross the finish line with one arm tied behind his back?" "In front of my back." "In front of your back." "There's no need to, you've already proved yourself." "You've raised $100,000 for the hospice." "What more do you need to do?" "It's not about the money." "Then what's it about?" "Killing yourself?" "Would you fuck off?" "I can do it." "Did you ever see that story on TV about those women... that had cancer?" "Anyway, they all had cancer." "So what do they do?" "They go to this boot camp... where they have to climb over walls and crawl through the mud, and swing over these bottomless pits while this former Luftwaffe drill sergeant terrorizes them." "And I'm watching this and I'm thinking," ""Christ!" "Don't these crazy bitches have enough shit to deal with?"" "Then one of them comes out of this swamp that's full of fucking crocodiles or sharks or something." "And she's laughing." "Laughing." "And she says..." ""if I can survive this, I can survive anything."" "Come on." "Coffee?" "I didn't think you'd be up." "Are you kidding?" "I've already worked out with my trainer, made 10 calls to New York, read 2 scripts and the trades." "Have a roll from Campanile." "Best bread on the planet." "Fuck the carbs." "So, how was your evening?" "Connor take good care of you?" "Yeah, he's a cool guy." "And hot." "Does Brian know about your extra-marital activities?" "We're not married." "Brian detests marriage." "Well, that's a unique position to take when every fag on earth wants to say "I do"." "Yeah, well, we'd rather say "I don't"." "That way we can be together because we want to be, not because we have to be." "How very "Rage-ian"." "You better go clean up and pack." "There'll be a car here in an hour to take you to the airport." "By the way, I've thought about your offer." "I really appreciate it." "But..." "There is no "but"." "I want to do it." "So I'm coming back." "My back is killing me." "That's the lumpiest ground I ever slept on." "You weren't sleeping on the ground, you were sleeping on me." "So I end up being your support, when you're supposed to be mine." "Look, I woke up without any coffee, and worse, I'm out of breath mints." "So would you kindly spare me your morning sarcasm?" "Sorry, teddy." "You're right." "I am supposed to be your support system and here I am, pulling the props out from under you." "You go ahead, make all the sarcastic, insensitive remarks you want." "I'm sorry too, Em." "You've been a wonderful support." "But if it turns out we're hopelessly lost, and for whatever reason I don't survive the elements," "I want you to know you have my permission to eat me." "Thank you, teddy." "That's the most generous thing any person ever said to another." "This is a highway." "But which way do we go?" "Well, let's take a look." "To hell with that!" "It hasn't led us in the right direction yet." "Wh... sh, sh!" "What?" "Don't you hear it?" "What are you doing?" "Native Americans used to do this to hear which way the cavalry was advancing." "Wouldn't it be easier to just look?" "Oh, my god." "Oh, my god, it's the Liberty Ride." " Hi, guys!" " But how?" "I guess even though we didn't know it, you and I have been on the right road all along." "Come on." " Hey!" " Hi, guys." "Congratulations, guys." "We are so proud of you." "Here's juice, it'll perk you right up." "Here you go, honey." "Good for you." "There you go." "Hey." " Huh, we did it, teddy." " We did it." "Welcome home, guys." "Welcome home." "How'd you get here so fast?" "Faith, focus, fortitude." "Not to mention pedaling our fucking fannies off." "Hi!" "Well, there's a little bit of sunshine straight from Hollywood." "Hi, honey." "How was it out there, sweetie?" "It was amazing." "But I'm sorry I missed the ride." "Oh, you made the best part, the big finish." "And you'll never guess who went along." "Brian?" "Yeah, he told me he wasn't going." "Unfortunately, he had a little injury." "Is he all right?" "Stubborn son of a bitch insisted on finishing the ride." "Get some juice, come on." "Well, look who's here!" "Oh, I am so proud of my men." "So where's Michael?" "With Brian." "Yeah, yeah, but don't worry, they should be here any minute." "I still can't get through to them." "I'm starting to get worried." "Actually, I started getting worried four hours ago." "Maybe we should go out searching." "Look!" "No!" "Let him finish." "Come on." "I can't." "We... we're almost there." "Fuck it." "Just fuck it." "Ben:" "You got it, you got it, you got it." "Hunter:" "Come on, you can do it." "Come on!" "Ben:" "You're almost there, almost there." "Hunter:" "You can do it." "Yes!" "Sweet." "Way to go." "I was so worried." "I could kill you for doing this." "Yeah, well, I almost saved you the trouble." "Okay." "We thought maybe you went to the hospital." "There's no need." "Brian's going to be okay." "No, no, I didn't mean that." "Lindsay called around an hour ago." "You're a dad." "I'm a grandma." "Brian:" "Way to go, Michael." "Debbie:" "I'm a grandma." "Justin:" "Nice." "Oh, my god." "Look at her." "Oh-h-h." "You're so tiny." "She didn't feel that way coming out." "The labour lasted 14 hours." "It was like passing a bowling ball through the eye of a needle." "T.M.I." "Too much information." "But you're here, you're finally here." "Have you picked out a name?" "Contingent on the approval of all three parties," "I was thinking Jenny Rebecca." "Late grandmothers?" "Early Streisand." "Well, hey, uh, let's take a picture." "There." "Oh, okay." "Uh, now all three parents." "Smile." "Oh, perfect." "Okay, now how about one with the two happy moms?" "Come on, get closer." "Closer." "Got it." "Oh, that'll be one to frame." "There you go." "The "Jenny Rebecca triple ripple hot fudge sundae"" "named in honour of my gorgeous new granddaughter." "It took Joan Crawford 20 years to get a sandwich named after her at the Stage Deli." "Why don't you boys sit down?" "Uh, thanks but, uh, we prefer to stand." "Bums are a little battered." "Ah." "Well, you, I understand." "But you?" "You're a disgrace to Nelly bottoms everywhere." "The first thing I did when I got home last night:" "Weigh myself." "Huh, you too?" "So how much did you lose?" "Seven pounds." "Five and a half." "Couldn't have done it without you." "Lost weight?" "The ride, Em." "Sure you could've." "Maybe." "But I'd rather have done it with my best friend." "Hey, no." "Mine, quit it." "You just quit that." "Ah-ha-ah." "Psst." "Carl!" "Look what I got you." "I love it." "I thought you would." "It's a lot more accurate than the one you're wearing." "Thank you." "So now that you're a grandmother, are you ready to be a bride?" "Carl..." "What kind of a wedding do you want?" "Big?" "Small?" "Indoor?" "Outdoor?" "Although it's still a little nippy." "It's up to you." "Whatever you say." "Whatever I say?" "In that case..." "I don't want a wedding." "No wedding?" "I can't marry you." "And not because I don't love you, because god knows, I do." "Then what?" "How can I get married when my own son can't?" "And the... and the goddamn president wants to change the constitution to prevent Michael and Ben and... and all the other beautiful gay men and women from having the same rights that you and I do?" "It just doesn't seem right." "That's very noble, sweetheart, but you're just one person." "Well, sometimes that's all it takes." "Look at Gandhi." "Ben Kingsley starved himself, but it turned the tide." "You're not going to starve yourself, are you?" "There's only so much I'm humanly capable of." "I am going to send a message, and the finger, to the white house." "Until my son can walk down the aisle in this country, then neither will I." "Where does that leave us?" "How do you feel about living together?" "In sin." "Aren't we a little too old for that?" "Christ, I hope not." "She's so much calmer than Gus was." "Yes you are, you cutie." "Remember how fidgety and fussy he was?" "I should." "It was my breast." "Well, this isn't nearly as painful as I thought." "Get back to me in a few weeks." "You'll be wishing she'd find someplace else to eat." "Aw." "You're finally here." "You have no idea how much your mommy wanted you, and what she had to go through to get you." "Don't worry." "I'll be sure and tell her." "That old Jewish recipe?" "Add one tablespoon of guilt to mother's milk, stir briskly." "We have, without a doubt the most beautiful children god has ever created." "I won't argue with that." "That's nice for a change." "I didn't mean it..." "Do you need anything?" "No, I'm fine." "All right, young lady, time for your nap." "You'll see your mommies later." "Yeah." "Sweet dreams, sweetheart." "Sleep tight." "I contacted the center's child care services." "They have a list of several women who can come help you out." "And Dusty said if you need anything, you can call her." "What about you?" "Then you're really going?" "It's what we both agreed to... isn't it?" "On behalf of the Gay And Lesbian Center," "I'd like to present Liberty House with this cheque for $432,000." "Every cent raised will go to maintaining the hospice and providing its clients with the best care possible." "We'd like to thank everyone who rode, who lent their support, their time, their sponsorship." "And now, in honour of one of our brothers who we recently lost." "A great friend, a volunteer and supporter." "Liberty House has been renamed" ""Vic Grassi House"." "Thank you very much for coming." "Yeah." "Huh, god." "Did you know about this?" "You got them to do this, didn't you?" "It's still America, Deb." "Money talks." "Yeah, but for once it said the right thing." "Your uncle would be so proud." "Too bad he couldn't be here to see it." "He sees it." "Come on." "So... have I atoned for my sins?" "That would take an eternity." "But you sure as hell get an "A" for effort." "Please don't say hell." "By the way, I happen to agree with you." "I was damn lucky to get those four extra years." "Sure I'd have liked more." "Who wouldn't?" "But you're going to have a lot more than that." "Did god tell you that?" "Actually, he told Judy and she told me." "Judy?" "Garland." "They're like this." "You mean god's a...?" "You didn't hear it from me." "Ow!" "Ow." "You okay?" "It'll be all right." "I heard it on the best authority." "So, did you fuck Tom Cruise?" "Everybody knows he's not gay." "Adrien Brody?" "Nice, but, alas..." "Tobey Maguire?" "Please." "What?" "Connor James." "No shit." "Sounds like you had a most excellent adventure." "Sounds like you did too." "Bicycling down life's endless highways..." "I had time to think." "Oh?" "About what I'd do differently if I survived cancer... and sleeping in a tent." "Equally unpleasant, I agree." "But now that you have, what did you decide?" "The first thing I'd do differently... is the bedroom." "And get rid of that thing over the bed." "Yeah, it's very '90s." "I agree." "And then I'd like to spend more time with my son." "He's at an age now where he needs a strong, masculine influence." "Especially being raised by a couple of dykes." "I mean, he's got to know about Armani..." "Gucci, Prada, not just football and engine-tuning." "Unquestionably." "Any other decisions?" "I want you to move back in." "Huh?" "I said I'd like it if you and I were to live together." "Are you proposing?" "Of course not." "With the sudden and unexpected plethora of gay marriages," "I'd hate to add to the glut." "All this running back and forth between here and Daphne's is time consuming, and inconvenient." "I mean, just last week you forgot your socks and had to borrow a pair of mine." "And... as for the times when you're not around," "I wouldn't particularly mind it if you were." "I've been waiting for you to ask me that since the first night you brought me here." "Well, then what do you say?" "Should I make room in my drawers for your drawers?" "Ben?" "Ben?" "Mmm... hm?" "I was just seeing if you were asleep." "I'm wide awake." "Now." "Are you okay?" "I don't know." "I just can't seem to settle down, you know?" "Too much excitement, I guess." "Ah-h-h." "Has been pretty eventful." "No shit." "My head is spinning." "The ride and the baby and the wedding." "Can you believe we're really married?" "Are we?" "Really?" "Of course we are." "But we don't live in Canada." "We live here." "So, is it still real?" "Let me ask you a question." "Even if it was real for just a day, was it worth it?" "So worth it." "It won't be long before it happens here." "It's all beginning." "And we're part of it." "You know, come to think of it, we never really had a proper wedding night." "Sure we did." "Shivering in our tent." "Hm." "On our little air mattresses." "I think we can do better than that." "Moo!" "See ya next spring. ;)"