"Why don't you come in and sit down?" "The principal will be right with you." "Thank you." "Boy, being called into the principal's office really takes me back." "Just remember, it's not yours." "You were just holding it for a friend." "So why do you think the principal called you in here?" "What do you think Sam did?" "Probably nothing." "She's such an innocent kid." "Sometimes I wonder if she's even ours." "She came outta me, Charlie." "Maybe you were just holding her for a friend." "What if she's just super sneaky and has everybody fooled?" "What if she's in a gang and she's, like, the biggest drug dealer in the school?" "You looked kinda proud when you said that." "Well, I just worry about her." "She's so normal." " She has OCD." " You're right." "If she were selling drugs, she'd be super organized." "I mean, there'd be no seeds in that weed." "Mr. Goodson, Miss Goodson, no, please, sit." "All right, tell us straight." "What did Sam do?" "And don't leave anything out, this is our first time." "No, the kids with OCD don't cause a lot of our traditional problems." "By the way, did you know that she has her own meat thermometer?" "Cafeteria staff would really appreciate it if you took it away." "It's slowing down the lunches." "Well, it was all she wanted for Christmas, but sure." "I'm sorry, Miss Goodson, but I really only needed to talk to Charlie." "We need your help." "Our baseball coach, Mr. Henderson, he just left us to be on a reality show." "Which one?" "I believe it's called Hook-up Island." "I love that show." "How do you get on that?" "I don't know." "I'm sure there's a website." "Look, Charlie, with your background as a pro ballplayer," "I know the kids would absolutely love it if you would manage their last three games." " Are you interested?" " Wow." "I got to be honest." "First time I've ever been called to the principal's office and gotten good news." "Although, there was that one time, "You're not the father."" "But, yeah, I'd love to coach the team." "Excuse me." "Can I have a word with Charlie?" "We're divorced and there's some scheduling stuff we should work out first." " We'll be right out." " Sure, I'll be right down the hall." "Okay, Charlie, I'm not sure this is the best idea." "In case you forgot, you're too competitive, losing makes you angry." "Part of the reason I used to be so angry is because my first coach was the meanest, most competitive son of a bitch to ever walk the face of the planet." " Wait, who was your first coach?" " You wouldn't know him." "Wait, you did meet him." "My dad." "All right, Charlie." "But watch yourself." "Oh, before we go, there's something I've always wanted to do." "Bueller, Bueller, Bueller." "Quick, let's go." "Listen, Jen, I'm gonna be pretty busy with this stuff for the next couple of weeks, so I need you to take Sam for me." "Hey." "I'm 15." "I don't need anybody watching me." "That's true." "She was so well-behaved, we could have left her alone when she was five." "In fact, a couple of times we did." "All you did was organize your toys and try to make our beds." "The house was actually cleaner when we got back." "Hey, hey, hey, Charlie, congratulations." "I just heard about the coaching job." "This is the most exciting thing to happen to the Goodson family since Jennifer gave birth and little Sammy slid into home." "I just opened a strawberry yogurt." "Here, son." "I want you to have my old coaching whistle for good luck." "Thanks." "But I'm actually gonna use the player's names instead of sneaking up behind them and blowing this thing and screaming, "Hey, dumb-ass!"" " I've got to go." " I was thinking." "Every coach needs a little help." " No." " No, wait." "Now listen." " I could be your assistant." " No." " Run the drills in practice." " No." " Pack up the equipment." " No." " Mix the Gatorade." " Well, maybe." "No." " Charlie!" " No!" "Come on, Charlie." "I really want to do this with you." "I miss the game and who knows how many more chances we'll have to be together doing the thing we love most?" "Remember all the good times we had when you were a kid?" "No." "Not with you as the coach, pushing me, making me feel worthless if I didn't do well." "What kind of father gives his son a birthday cake that says "nice catch" on it?" "That sounds sweet." "It was written in quotes." "He was being sarcastic." "Come on, Charlie." "You could use the hand." "Don't you think this could be good for you guys?" "I mean, maybe you could learn something from each other." "Yeah, Charlie." "Maybe you can teach me something." "Maybe you're right." "I can teach you something." "I can teach you how to coach a kid without screwing him up." "Hey, I'm not too old to learn there might be a better way." "You'll be the coach, I'll be the assistant." "I'll even throw away the whistle." "I'll take the whistle." "My women's defense class is in a pretty sketchy neighborhood." "Come on, Charlie." "I'll do whatever you want." " You can't ask for more than that." " Oh, yeah?" "Watch this." "No matter how you feel, you will support everything I say enthusiastically." " If I like something, you like it more." " That is the best idea I have ever heard." "Not good enough." "The invention of the wheel was a stupid idea compared to what you just said, sir." "Okay,you got the job." "Yes!" "From now on I get the last word on everything." " Whatever you say." " Great." "You can stop talking." " Will do." " I mean, now." "You got it." "Do you even know what "I get the last word" means?" "Am I allowed to answer that?" " No." " Okay." "So, for the next couple of weeks, due to some personal commitments with my daughter's school," "I have asked Dr. Kate Wales to step in as your therapist." "You are in great hands." "You probably won't even want me back." "I could've told you that before she even sat down." "Okay, on that note," "I will leave you to get to know each other, but I just got to say that" "I am so proud of all of you for handling this transition so well because..." "Are you going to leave or not?" "You might want to examine the group's denial about me leaving." "There's a lot of anxiety here." "Okay, first, let me say that my style is a little different than Charlie's." "He tells you a lot about himself and I don't." "Patrick, why don't you start us off?" "Sure." "So I'm waiting for the UPS truck to arrive, which, by the way, your corporate color is brown?" "You know what brown can do for me?" "Change to any other color." "I'm going to stop you right there." "You're rambling and that's your passive-aggressive way of punishing us." "Just jump ahead to the part where you actually got angry." "Okay." "Well, three days later, I'm in line at the book store and, those are all gone." "There used to be seven in my neighborhood, now..." "The book stores are gone and so is my patience." "Moving on." "Nolan?" "Nothing." "Lacey?" "Nothing." "Ed?" " You're the finest piece..." " Nothing." "Okay, people, if this were an emergency room, you'd be begging for help, but instead, you're just sitting here in front of me bleeding to death, telling me stories about the UPS truck." " Nolan." " Yeah." " Who are you calling?" " It wasn't Charlie." "Come on, Todd." "Right now." "You got this guy." "Piece of cake." "Strike three!" "That's the second time he's struck out chasing an outside pitch." "You've got to rip him a new one." " Dad." " You know, in a supportive way, so that he grows up to be a nice, solid citizen." "Hey, Todd." "Don't get down on yourself." "Next at bat's going to be a whole new experience." "By the way, the cute girl in the second row, totally digging your swing." " That's my sister." " You're a good-looking family." "See, I never would have thought of that." "I'd have told him to get his head out of his ass." "Instead, you gave it a big, fat kiss." "Is this you supporting me enthusiastically and not questioning my decisions?" "Yeah, I'm just saying, I think it's very sweet." "You got to first base with that kid." "It's a lot further than he got." "Strike three!" "Hey, ump!" "That was a ball!" "You should know what they look like, your mom's got them!" "She's a freaking guy!" "I like this kid." "He wants to win." "Oh, win." "Is this one of those leagues where they keep score?" "That's what those giant numbers are in the outfield." "Of course he wants to win." "We all want to win." "Just not like that." "Logan, talk to me." "Look, I know you're worked up because we're down by two and we should be beating these guys like a rented donkey." " What did I do?" " Calling the ump's mom a guy, at best a she-male, is crossing the line." "I just want to win." "This is a bunch of crap." "All right, that's it." "Grab some pine." "You're benched." "Telford, you're in." "Charlie, you sure you want to bench our best player?" "Hell, yeah." "If somebody had benched me instead of encouraging my anger as a motivator, it might've changed my life." "Why don't you just talk to him after the game so he can help us win this thing?" "Don't you want to win?" "You used to." "I remember a 12-year-old boy standing out in the front yard crying because he lost a game." " You locked me out of the house." " Because you lost the game!" "Which I now realize was a very wrong thing to do." "Do you?" "Did I just see the old coach come out?" "What's next?" "The emotional blackmail or the temper tantrum?" "Charlie, I would never do that to you, and it makes me sad to think you might think I would do something like that." " There's the emotional blackmail." " All right, fine." "Have it your way." "Maybe you're right." "Maybe I was a bad coach, 'cause my kid ended up a loser." "And there's the temper tantrum." "I'm really dreading another session with Kate." "Listen, guys." "I don't think we should be afraid of this witch." "She's got to have a weakness." "Sunlight, pig's blood, something." "We are smarter than that." "This time, we get under her skin." " Follow my lead." " Oh, my Lord." "The second time in my life, I'm about to take advice from a gay fella." " When was the first?" " I'd rather not discuss it." "But there was a time during the '70s I had a perm." "All right." "Day two." "I hope everyone has decided to participate today." "Lacey, you're UP" "Nothing." "Nolan?" " I'm scared." " Nothing." "Patrick?" "I have something." "I think I speak for everyone when I say we find it hard to trust you and open up when you've only been our therapist for a day." "I mean, all we know about you is that you're from a wealthy family, you're afraid of intimacy, and you're into bondage." "Why would you think that?" "Wealthy comes from the double-stitched hem and the ease with which you wear a $1,000 blazer, and the fear of intimacy comes from the tightness of the blouse and the extraordinary amount of buttons." "And the bondage?" "That was just a shot in the dark." "I was going to say rubber fetish." "I believe Sherlock Homo hit the nail on the head." "This is all very silly." "Let's get back to you." "No, this is interesting." "I feel much more comfortable talking to you now that I know you're a spoiled rich girl who likes to get spanked." "I can relate." "This is fine." "You're testing me and I assure you," "I can take it." "I've been teased my whole life and I learned to deal with it." "Wow, your whole life?" "That is so sad." "It's not sad, really." "It makes you stronger." " At least, that's what my dad said." " Your daddy." "I bet he's a good man." " He was the best." " Was?" " Did he die?" " Yes, three years ago." "I bet you miss him." "No, I'm fine." "I just wish I could talk to him again." "Can somebody hand me that box of Kleenex?" "Please, don't cry." "I know exactly how you feel." "I mean, I've never mentioned this in session, but sometimes I pick up the phone and I try to call my mother in heaven." "This is why kids should die before their parents." "Hey, guys." "Wayne, why are you wearing a spit guard?" "'Cause I spit on a guard." " Got it." "Well, the good news is a lot of guys couldn't pull off that look, but on you, it works." "You know, Charlie, it would be a lot easier to hear you" "if you could pull off the hood." " Don't do it." "Well, Wayne, sometimes when we're in the middle of an anger episode, we need to have a de-escalation intervention." "Ooh, that's a time-out." "I just dealt with this yesterday." "I'm coaching high school baseball and I had to bench my star player for acting out." "Cost us the game." "And his father didn't stab you?" "Man, parents just don't get involved anymore." "Oh, trust me, parents got angry, but I didn't care." "I was trying to teach these kids how to control their anger." "But sometimes there are consequences, like losing a game." " Or being strapped to a chair." " See, you get it." "Why can't my father be as well-adjusted as you?" "He won't give me any credit for trying to coach these kids without bullying them." "So you didn't care about what the parents thought, you didn't care about losing the game, but you did care about your father?" "Well, yeah." "I thought maybe if I showed him a different way of coaching that he'd change." "Charlie, people don't change." "Do not tell the parole board I said that." "Charlie, you didn't want to show him a better way." "You wanted his approval." " Why would I want that?" " I don't know." "I just say things, I don't really think about them." "Why would I want my father's approval?" "I'm a grown man." "I've been through years of therapy and, damn it." "I want his approval." "Everybody, hit the floor." "We're on lockdown." " I guess I can leave now." " Nobody's going anywhere." "You don't understand." "I have to leave." "I have a game to coach." "You walk out that door, you either get tazed or shot by the guards, or shanked and raped by the prisoners." "So the floor, you say." "Damn it, boys, wake up!" "We should be winning this thing and we're down by six runs." "Rodriguez, what the hell's the matter with you?" "Que pasa, son?" "Potter, look at me, boy, I'm talking to you!" "You got to make those plays at third base!" "You know, your dad went out for a beer run, I think." "Now I'm starting to think he went off to buy you a dress!" "Get outta my face!" "Logan, you're the leadoff batter." " Come here, I want to talk to you." " What?" "If baseball doesn't work out for you son, are you planning on being a comedian?" " Why?" " Well, because they're all laughing at you." " Shut up!" " What?" "You going to hit me?" "Go ahead!" "It'll be the only thing you've hit all day!" "Now grab a bat, get your ass out there, and do some damage!" "Now!" "Move!" " What the hell are you doing?" " I'm coaching a baseball team." "Somebody had to do it while you were in prison." "I was trying to rehabilitate murderers, but now I'm starting to identify with them." "You see all those parents in the bleachers?" "They're all counting on me to lift this team to the playoffs." "Logan, laughing at you!" "All of them!" "Listen to them!" "Nobody's laughing at you, Logan." "My dad forgot to take his meds." "Use the tools I showed you." "Anger clouds your judgment." "Anger is the hammer of judgment!" "Bring that hammer down, son!" "My dad's insane." "That's why his second wife left him." "Keep your cool." "She left me because I didn't make enough money." "Beat the hell out of that ball for the both of us, kid." "She left him for a variety of reasons." "You're doing great." "But mostly the money and ignore him." "He doesn't know what the hell he's talking about." "I don't care what you think." "That's it, you're fired." "What?" "Think about what you're doing, son." "Oh, I have thought about it." "I thought about it all afternoon, lying face down on a sticky prison floor worrying about my virginity." " That's it, you're outta here!" " You're making a big mistake!" "Ah, shut up!" "What, you think I'm the first guy to fire his dad in front of a crowd at a baseball game?" "Lou Gehrig did it in 1938." "And his dad had Lou Gehrig's dad's disease." "Look it up, people." "All right, before we start." "Last session was an anomaly." "I became uncharacteristically vulnerable and I want to thank you all for sharing your personal stories that made me feel not so alone." "I still can't believe you had a stutter till you were 10." "Yeah, that makes my unibrow year seem so trivial." "But when it happens to you, it's not trivial." "And for a 13-year-old girl with a giant eyebrow, it becomes the most important thing in the world." "It was the thin, hairy line that separated me from the cool kids." "I was just glad to find out" "I wasn't the only one who had his head shaved for ringworm." "I never should've head butted my ferret." "It's not an approved training technique, anyway." "I was really just using my ringworm and stutter as examples of how people can develop" "anger through being stigmatized." " Oh, please." "We're supposed to open up because you were an ugly, bald-headed little girl who took an hour to finish a sentence?" "Ed, why would you do that?" "I was being nothing but honest and..." " Tissues, please." " Oh, geez." "Please." "I should be easier on you." "After all, I had problems when I was a kid, too." "Go on." "I would wet the bed and my mama would hang the sheets out the window for everybody to see." "And then I got on the internet and did a search and found out that your daddy is alive and well and living in Northbrook, Illinois." "You are a liar, Dr. Ringworm." "Okay, busted." "I realize I can come off as a bit aloof, so I thought by exaggerating my personal narrative," "I could get you to open up and we could make some significant progress." "And we did." "You are one twisted individual." "You have no idea." "Hey, Charlie." "I forgot my jacket." "You want a hand?" "Thought I fired you." "I may not be your assistant anymore, but I'm still your dad." "What happened?" "Car wouldn't start?" "Nope." "Battery's dead." "Did you try yelling at it, get it all fired up?" "No, but I did hug it." "That didn't work either." "Thanks." " Tough loss, huh?" " Yup." "But I'm proud of those kids." "Nobody lost their temper, nobody went crazy." "Just a game." "I'm not just talking about the game." "I'm talking about your life." "You could've stayed in baseball." "Sure." "There's tons of teams looking for an old ballplayer with a bad knee." "The LA Codgers." "The Oakland Pathetics." "I mean, as a coach." "And you still can." "Hell, pick up the phone and call one of your old buddies." "Those kids really wanted to play for you." "That's a sign of a real coach." "This may come as a shock to you, but I don't want to go back to baseball." "I like what I do." "I help people." " Helping people makes you happy?" " Yeah." "Yeah, it does." "Wow." " By the way, do you have auto club?" " I do, why?" "Your tires got slashed." "I think it was that Logan kid." "Could've been the parents." "It was Logan." "I stood with the parents and watched him do it."