"Ha-ha-ha." "I'm mobile." "Check me out." "I'm mobile." "Roger, look what I bought." "It's a hamster ball, but I modified it." "Uh-huh." "That's a thing." "Look at them down there." "planning my birthday party." "Yup, I'm turning 1 600." "The big 1 -6 double bagel." "I Iike spying." "My fanny is high in the air right now." "Hi, I'd Iike to rent a bouncy castle and a sober clown..." "... formyfriendRogerthis Saturday." "Do you have the number of someone who does have a sober clown?" "No, sir." "I don't believe I am asking for the moon." "Making a cake, ordering clowns, they love me." "Yup, in my culture, 1 600 is the most important birthday of all." "And mine's shaping up" "Coming through." "[KLAUS SCREAMS]" "behold, it is here." "My first pube." "Oh, it's red." "Fire." "Oh, God." "I'm gonna be sick." "I finally hit puberty." "Honey, that's wonderful." "We're so happy for you." "Yes, very happy." "Go ahead and pull up your pants." "Oh, no chance." "I'm gotta go brush and style this bad boy." "Okay, freak show's over." "Let's get back to my birthday." "Where are you guys going?" "Come back." "Francine, the frosting." "hello, clown dispatcher?" "[DIAL TONE RINGING ]" "Oh, man." "Oh, this is bad." "I can't deal with this." "[SIGHS]" "Puberty." "Our worst nightmare." "The only thing worse than a child going through puberty..." "... isbeingtheparentofachild going through puberty." "Remember I had that bumper sticker on the car for a while?" "Nobody honked." "What are you doing?" "I can't do it again, man." "I'm leaving." "I'm going to, I don't know, my mom's, my sister's." "I'II even go back to prison, I don't care." "Look, maybe it won't be so bad." "We got through HayIey's puberty." "barely." "What do you mean, every month?" "Honey, that's the glory of being a woman." "I'm not using these." "I'm never using these." "[IN UNISON] No!" "[SHOUTS]" "This is as big as they're gonna get?" "[STAN SOBBING ]" "I'm hideous." "Honey, you can't even see it." "It's pretty." "Wow, hayley, you're cheek's pregnant." "Who's the father?" "Touching your face all day with your greasy hands?" "[HAYLEY SHOUTS AND ROGERS SCREAMS]" "[SHOUTING ]" "So here's what I'm gonna do." "I'm gonna wear my big shoes and pack my flip flops." "I'm not ready for Steve to make the change." "He's gonna have man breath..." "... andhispoops won't smell good anymore." "I wish he could just stay 1 4 a little while longer." "Not me, I want him to skip over puberty and jump right to 21 ..." "... sothetwoofuscango haveashot and a shave." "We can finally sit down and discuss Ordinary People." "Tired of talking to the kid about that movie and just getting a blank stare." "Hey, rental units." "I cleaned all the kid crap from my room." "I'm gonna dump it, then go for a jog." "clear my head." "It's a little chilly out, wear a sweater." "Hey, you're my mother." "Not my thermometer." "Stan, we have to do something." "There's nothing we can do." "We're helpless." "Like a turned-over tortoise in the sun." "Sure, our bellies are warm now, but soon it will be dark." "And then the crows will come." "FeIIers, how's the sloppy joes today?" "sloppy, I trust?" "[BO YS GASP]" "SNOT:" "Are those khakis?" "BARRY:" "A braided belt." "Don't itemize, boys." "Take it all in." "It's a package." "Speaking of packages, mine's got a hair on it." "Yeah!" "Way to go, Steve." "Yeah!" "[IN JAPANESE]" "Sit down and tell us all about it." "I'd love to, kemo sabes, but I'm here on business." "Lisa silver, as I Iive and breathe." "What do you want, dweeb?" "Oh, no." "It's not what I want." "It's what you want." "Which is to go to the dance with me this Saturday." "I don't" "Shh." "I know you're into me." "And if you weren't before, you are now." "Because you're intrigued by this moment." "Go on." "Meet me at Macy's tomorrow." "Young petites, we're going dress shopping." "Oh, I've got a look in mind for you." "Okay." "Oh, and I got you a present." "It's getting to watch me walk away." "Hey, scientists." "Hey, Mrs. Smith." "What brings you by?" "well, I was talking to Stan last night..." "... andheseemedprettysure that  nothing could stop the aging process." "But I think if anyone in the world could do it..." "... it'dbeyouboys." "Sosmart ." "We have been goofing around with this one thing, but it's classified." "still classified?" "Yes." "still classified?" "Yes." "I brought brownies." "Brownies!" "[CHOMPING ]" "He makes it difficult to negotiate." "What an angel." "God took a little extra time on you, didn't he?" "[GRUNTS]" "My little deep sleeper." "[YAWNS]" "What's this?" "The Home and Hearth catalog?" "What a great place to shop for birthday presents." "Is that--?" "Is that a nightstand from the Country Mystique collection?" "STEVE:" "What the hell happened to me?" "I'm a goddamn toddler." "Moving on, there is a choice between brass and wood drawer pulls." "If you get the wood ones, I'II throw the thing in the street." "Do not test me." "Which one of you did this to me?" "I just asked those scientists at the CIA for something to stop you from aging." "They must have given me too much." "Francine, how could you?" "I just wanted him to stay 1 4 for a few more years..." "... soI couIdholdontomy baby." "Oh, I'm a baby all right." "Look, it's gone." "My one man hair is gone." "Can we have one family meal without someone flashing their genitalia." "Wow, that is weird stuff..." "... andwearecertainly gonna talk about it after my party." "Maybe while we're cleaning up." "You." "Maybe while you're cleaning up." "Oh, you are so cute." "I'm not supposed to be cute, I'm supposed to be a man." "Oh, you really gave it to me this time, Mom." "You just" " You just took a nightstick and went, "Yeah." "Yeah. "" "It was a total violation of my" "Steve, cartoons." "But my" "[CARTOON SOUNDS PLAYING ON TV]" "Is that monkey working as a greengrocer?" "Oh... ." "Francine, you had no right to turn Steve 5." "Oh, I'm gonna go pay the boys in the lab a visit and get the antidote." "I need something to grease the little one." "Wait, where's he going?" "That's my cake." "This is all your fault." "They should be at the mail right now, buying me a remote-controI helicopter..." "... that'IIbreakthemomentIuse it." "My God." "I'm supposed to meet Lisa at the mail to buy her a dress." "I can't stand her up." "She's the hottest girl in school." "This is my shot." "What am I gonna do?" "I'II tell you what I'm gonna do." "I'm gonna bite those little legs." "[FRANCINE CHEWING AND STEVE GIGGLING ]" "No." "No, stop." "Who's eating corn on the cob?" "Mommy's eating corn on the cob." "Look at me, being escorted around town by this handsome little gentleman." "You know, I'm speaking calmly, but there's a tantrum brewing..." "... thelikesof which this mail has never seen." "You want me to come with you?" "No, you've done enough." "[GRUNTING ]" "Press 4, please." "I said 4." "Oh, I'm sorry I hit 3." "I know, I saw." "You've got string-bean legs." "I wanna bite them." "Oh, I wanna bite them." "[SIGHS]" "[GROANS]" "You can do this." "The play is a little younger, but the game is still the same." "Hey, babe." "Down here." "It's me, Steve Smith." "Is this a joke?" "I know this is weird, since we last met, I had a little pituitary problem." "But don't worry." "You and me, that's still happening." "So I'm thinking open-toed shoes." "You got good feet?" "Pop off those kicks." "Give Daddy a look." "I don't know what's going on, if you're Steve's nephew..." "... butwhenyousee him ,domeafavor." "tell him he blew it." "Lisa, no." "It's me." "I swear." "Don't worry, kiddo, this is gonna fix you right up." "[SHOUTS]" "STEVE:" "Mm." "You had to give him that shot." "You couldn't just let him be my baby for a little while longer." "No, Francine, that time of his life is over." "Okay, I guess we'II just have to prepare ourselves for puberty." "This will have to do until I can fashion a shiv out of a chicken bone." "Puberty?" "Ha, ha." "Nothing doing." "When he gets up from his nap, he's gonna be 21 ." "What?" "Oh, no, Stan." "What did you do?" "I had the boys at the lab give me serum to drop Steve off..." "... ontheothersideofpuberty." "Mary tyler Moore is such an icy bitch in this, it's fantastic." "Stan, we never discussed" "There he is." "My man's awake." "Why?" "Oh, my God." "Uh, I think the boys in the lab made a mistake." "You think?" "well, I got my pubic hair back." "A whole bunch of them." "They're white as freaking Christmas." "It's like Santa town down there." "And look at my penduIous nads." "Every time I walk, it's like a game of Gnip Gnop." "You rat bastards, you sons of" "Steve, weather channel." "I'm not interested in" "Whoa, looks like a storm front's heading for seattle." "Heh, don't wanna be on those roads." "I was just reading this article about a bubble man." "He comes to your party and makes bubbles." "Saints alive, minus 1 4 in minneapolis?" "Oh, ho." "No, thank you." "Is that--?" "Is he--?" "Great." "Nice." "Good." "I guess I'II head back to the lab and straighten this thing out." "Yeah, you do that." "Do some right for once in your life." "Shut up, old man." "Oh, oh, Steve, Lisa called." "She's agreed to give you one more chance..." "... andwantsto meetyou latertoday." "Yes!" "Gross." "What am I gonna do?" "If I show up like this, she'II never believe it's me." "I'II have to think of something." "Something clever and easy to explain." "Hi, I'm future Steve." "I've been sent back in time 80 years by the imperial Order..." "... ofwhichIamrecordingsecretary." "What?" "I remember these." "Now, I've been commissioned with two responsibilities." "First, to assure you that Steve will be at the dance..." "... andislookingforwardtoit ." "And second" "[SNORING ]" "Oh, they're bringing back the old sleeping booths." "Hooray!" "[WOMAN SNORING ]" "I found him sleeping in a booth with, Iike, four other old people." "Did you get the shot?" "Got it right here." "This will make him 1 4." "It's gonna be hell for all of us." "Yeah, especially Steve." "horrible time, puberty." "Years of sadness, rejection and confusion." "He'II look weird, smell weird, his voice will change." "He'II get painful acne, "backne," "assne," "inner earne. "" "He comes from an oily family." "plus, he'II be getting his butt kicked." "Oh, the senseless beatings." "Have you ever been beaten naked in a gym shower, Stan?" "One day, when I was showering after gym class..." "... thesemeanprettygirlscaughtme..." "... andkeptscrubbingme all over with soap." "I mean, they didn't miss a spot." "And even if we were all wet and naked and slippery..." "... theywerestillabletogetme  on all fours..." "... andshovemy facetothefloor ." "Can you imagine, Stan?" "How did they catch you again, please?" "Wait, Steve." "Where did he go?" "They tried to make me put my bag under the bus..." "... butI toldthem the bag stays with me." "They tried to make me 1 4 again, but I'm not going through that hell." "I'm staying 80." "That's nice." "Here's a picture of my grandson, billy." "Oh, I go to school with him." "He's a total douche." "Yeah, I know." "Steve!" "Steve!" "He's not in the tool shed." "I did find your high school yearbook." "You show me which girls did that mean stuff to you." "Was it this gymnastics girl." "Right, right?" "What about this girl?" "Did this girl walk in on it?" "Stan, not now." "Our little 80-year-oId boy is out there, scared and all alone." "Have you seen Steve?" "Dropped him off at the bus station." "Bus station?" "Did he say where he's going?" "He's gonna live out the rest of his days in some retirement home." "What?" "Which one?" "The Crows Feet Inn." "I just made that up." "How could you let him go?" "It was a real struggle, wrestled with it, not easy." "Now we can focus on my birthday." "I want a bike, Iike this one." "Except not stolen from the kid down the street." "His grandmother gave it to him." "What she needs to give him is an ice pack because I slapped him in the face." "Wait, where are you going?" "Let's talk about my birthday." "well, that's it." "I'm gonna spend my 1 600th birthday alone." "Just like a sequoia." "Come on, I-24." "WOMAN:" "Steve Smith, telephone." "Watch my card and rub my lucky monkey." "Before he picks the ball, not after." "Does me no good after." "hello." "Steve, we finally found you." "What are you doing there?" "I'm living here." "I heard you and Mom talking about all that teenage stuff." "I'm happy I skipped all that and now, I get to relax here." "plus, there's shuffle board, cards." "Someone's niece came in and played the harp, it was wonderful." "We're coming down there with the shot." "You come near me with that shot and I'II swallow the medicine cabinet." "Uppers, downers, stool hardeners, stool softeners..." "... mystoolswon'tknowwhat todo ." "But that'II be the mortician's problem." "He says growing up sounds too hard." "He just wants to stay an old man." "We've lost our son." "Because of us, he missed out on his whole life." "What are we gonna do?" "[TELEPHONE RINGS]" "hello, Steve?" "Who?" "You're the bubble man?" "What's a bubble man?" "[TELEPHONE BEEPS]" "Oh, I got another call." "hello?" "Who's this?" "Oh, no." "No, Steve's not here." "But don't worry, everything's gonna be fine." "Come on, Francine." "I know how we can get Steve back." "[TELEPHONE RINGS]" "hello?" "bubble man?" "No, I didn't day hold on, I said I had another call." "No, I won't apologize." "Yeah, I'II fight you." "I know where that is." "Remind me I'm fighting the bubble man on Thursday." "You're fighting the poultry guy on Thursday." "Yeah." "Let's see if we can move it." "[CHILDREN LAUGHING ]" "Bravo, Aiden." "Looks like everyone's having a fun time." "Are you a kid?" "That'II do, Aiden." "Why, what--?" "What did you wait?" "A whole six years for a bouncy castle?" "Yeah, try 1 600." "This should have been my party." "Mom." "Your Mom is dead, boy." "I killed her." "No, I didn't." "No, I didn't." "I just" " I went too far." "That wasn't cool." "This is Steve's fault." "He ruined my birthday and I'm gonna make him pay." "AII right, I'm gonna go get my face painted and get the hell out of here." "I've got arthritis." "My cataracts are as thick as nickels." "I'm a virgin." "We gotta get you laid." "Road trip." "Steve." "Mom." "Dad." "[PANTING ]" "Don't you come near me with that needle." "Honey, we're just here to talk." "Look, I'm putting it on the ground." "Oh, it stinks in here." "Stan." "It's just so unexpected." "I mean, the outside is so nicely landscaped." "Kick the needle over to me." "Okay, here it is." "Nice and easy." "Oh, smells worse than that dumpster at the crab restaurant." "Steve, we're so sorry." "This is all our fault." "We were only thinking of ourselves." "Oh, now, I smell it." "It's like an egg ate garlic and farted in a sulfur pit." "There's like a heat behind it." "Steve, we tried to deprive you of the most important years of your life." "Just to make it easier on us." "Yes, there's lots of bad stuff about puberty." "But there's good stuff too." "Yeah, Iike what?" "See, Steve?" "Lisa silver." "And she's waiting for you." "When she called the house, it made me remember..." "... thatpubertywasn'tall bad ." "There's stuff you don't wanna miss." "Your first school dance, your driver's license..." "... goingoverto yourbestfriend'shouse , finding his mother OD'd." "Or however you cop your first feel." "Come on, Steve." "What do you say?" "Give me the shot." "[SHOUTS]" "STEVE:" "Sorry I'm late." "I lost track of time." "[SINGING PAULA COLE'S "I DON'T WANT TO WAIT"]" "Hey, everyone, check it out." "[CROWD GASPS]" "BO Y:" "He's only got one pube." "Ew, and it's red." "Let's give him a swirly." "A chocolate one." "[CROWD LAUGHING ]" "No!" "please, no." "Lisa!" "Wait, no." "please." "[BO YS HOOTING ]" "We did say there were crappy times, right?" "No!" "[WATER SPLASHES AND TOILET FLUSHES]" "Serves Steve right, stealing my thunder." "still, I can't believe everyone forgot my birthday." "KLAUS:" "Not everyone." "[INAUDIBLE] Me?" "Yeah, you." "Happy birthday, Roger." "Make a wish." "It already came true." "I hate Steve so much." "[ENGLISH SDH]"