"Hello, ladies." "This is all kind of funny, really." "Actually thiswhole thingstarted because of laughter, you know." "Laughter, when thesmile has an orgasm?" "And out of 100% of youwomen..." "I can bring99% of you to this climax chuckle." "I can." "But I can't make the one girl I love smile likeshe made mesmile... on theworst day of my already terrible laughable life." "Which isquite a fee considering I¿ ve been having horrible days... ever since lwas akid." "I'msorry!" "I'msorry!" "Don't move!" "Your tongue hasstuck to my clit ring!" "God!" "Don't move!" "Don't!" "Don't move!" "This drawing is... appalling!" "Youshow absolutely no understanding of thiswoman or any woman!" "In the future the only drawingyou'll be doing is drawing unemployment." "You have to listen to me!" "We are over, we are completely and totally over!" "You break upwith me, youwanna do it before I give you aride home." " Sorry, we are over." " No!" "You can't do this to me now!" "Please, Gretchen, not now!" "Today is already theworst day of my life!" "I believe you lost your smile?" "You lost your smile." "her name was hope." "She hadthiswinningsmile that couldtake Olympic gold." "I've had alot of bad days in my life." "Today definitely qualifies as theworst." "Things could beworse." "At least Gretchen broke upwith you before you got you penis pierced." "Yousee?" "Your funny ha- ha is just sort of accidentally funny." "Accidentally funny?" "See, I'm always doingweird stuff and I don't even know it." "Just happens." "And thus, I'm accidentally funny." "Sam, nobody is normal all the time." "Look at me. ljust noticed I've had my shirt on inside out all day." "Yeah, but you know, I'm not even normalsome of the time." "Yousee?" "Wouldyou look at this?" "Case in point, right?" "I have a f akewallet to keep in my pants pocket in case I get mugged." "I keep my real money crumpled up inside my sock." "This is odd?" "You know anyone else in the entireworld that does this?" " 0ne other." " Who?" "Me." "That's areally good idea." "Great." "Now I'm contagious." "Sam, what made you enroll on anArt School?" "Isort of determined that all artists areweird, so if I became one... that I'd have an excuse for my chronicstrangeness." "You cansee now why today is my personalWaterloo." "In less than an hour I've not only found out I have no talent... no future, no girlfriend... but now I also have absolutely no excuses for my eccentricities." " What can I do to cheer you up?" " Nothing." "There's nothingyou can do." "Maybe I couldstart by cleaning this"snew" off your shirt." ""Snew"?" "What's"snew"?" "I don't now." "What's new with you?" "What did SnowWhite say to Pinocchio whenshe wassittingon his f ace?" ""Lie to me!" "Lie to me!"" "Hey, let's make like ababy and head out." "Let's go." " You know what I think weshould do?" " No." "Whichwindow didyousay was your ex- girlfriend's?" "I think it was that one." "You bastard!" "I'm gonna come down there and cut your balls off!" "Then I'm gonnashove them in your mouth and make you eat them!" "If laughter is asmilingorgasm, let me tellyou... we had alaughter that was multiple, simultaneous andwet." " My number is555..." " 0kay." "...6344." " 6344." "0kay, great." "Don't forget this." "Your smile." "And thank you for giving it back to me." " That's my ride." " 0kay." " Call me." " Yeah, Iwill." "I hadto find hope." "So ltook a job as adelivery guy." "Here's your order." "hope probably would've called me acuisine career." "Here's your..." "It's lame, I know... but at least the job allowed me to search for hope onevery corner... inevery building, inevery run I made throughout the city." "0h my God!" "I'msosorry!" "I'm gonnapull out." "I mean, back out." "Women?" "Please follow me thisway." "The Women's Residence and Club has been in existencesince 193." "We havewomen from all50 States aswell as Puerto Rico and Guam... and0 other countries." "We have two 0lympicsizeswimming pools aswell as four tennis courts." "Excuse me?" "Hi." "Do you know where6D is?" "Thanks." "Delivery!" "Hope!" "Hey!" "Hello, Sam." "0h my God!" "I've been looking for you everywhere." "You have no idea." "I'mso, sosorry I never calledyou." "Because youwrote your number down on my palm... and therewas pouring rain that night and it washed up." "It's okay." "How are you?" "You look likesomeone dropped anACMEsafe on your head." "Fine." "Me too." "I'm fine too." "This is awkward." "Times like this I think about dogs." "Dogs?" "I like theway they lick your f ace and let you pet them all over." "It'd be nice if womencould let you know you're liked... theway that a dog lets you know." "Nice ice- breaker." "Maybe." " You ordered this?" " Thanks." "They sent the extrasauce." " I think all I have is a $50." " Yeah, that's okay." "I think I can break that." "I think I'm making ahabit out of this." "Are yousure you're alright?" " Yeah, never better." " Cause you don't look never better." " You'rewrong." "I'm fine." " I thought lwaswrong once... but lwas mistaken." "And I'm not wrong here." "Come on, what's the matter?" "Nothing that anice meal couldn't take care of." "Goodbye, Sam." " Where's Holden?" " He's in the back." "I'll butter up your sweat, baby!" "You got such a tight ass!" "What's that?" "Squeeze it harder, huh?" "What the hell are you doing?" "Hey, man!" "What's going on?" "Iwas rearranging my collection." "It was totally inefficient." "I had"double penetration" filed under"double dildo"." "I don't care about your Smithsoniansmut." "Why was your hand on your ass?" "Sometimes I gotta get alittle kinky to... jack up the oldwinky." "See?" "Here." "If Istare at this centerfold here... and concentrate real hard while grabbing my own butt... it feels like I'm feeling up Miss September's ass!" "You know, uncle Bart would be really pissed... if he came in and caught you flickingyour grunge." "I haven't seen you this cracky since I gave you that Montezumaswindley." "Come on." " Spillyour guts." " No, I can't." "Why?" "Why can't you tell me what's going on?" "Holden, how can I talk to you?" "You're one of those guyswho have a tray that makes boob- shaped Jell- 0." "You once bought those underwear to lift andseparate your butt." "You've got arthritis from jerking off too many times." "I did not get arthritis!" "It's"carpotonalsyndrome"." "Holden!" "This gelatin boobs are f antastic!" "They 'resensitive, aren't they?" "You'reso tense!" "What you need is a day with my two- dimensional lady friend here." "She not only pulls out... but she puts out." "What do you think, Sam?" "Isn't the mass of the ass directly proportional to the beauty of the cutie?" " What?" " That is thespirit!" "Man, when you're down in the dump you just gottalaugh it off!" "You know what?" "That's actually a good idea." "How many surrealists does it take toscrew in alight bulb?" "A fish." "Look at this article." "It explains how a few good endorphins... can make yousmile." "Conversely, alright, it says that if you force asmile on your f ace... you can trick your body into releasing thesame feel- good endorphins... which make you happy." "Didyou know that if you change the"i's" in Mississippi to"o's"... you get Mossossoppo?" "Come on, are those endorphins pumping?" "Come on, that's great!" "Look at that f ace!" " Come on, look at that..." " Stop, Sam." "I appreciate the effort... andyour comedy act is a great success." "It's your audience that's a total f ailure." "I gotta get some new material." "0h my God!" "I think I broke it." "I think"busted" is amore appropriate phrase." " Does it hurt?" " No, you didn't pop my boob... you just poked ahole in my aquabra." "I'm Flat Chasted." "I mean I'mAnnie." "Hi, I'm Sam." "What's in a aquabra?" "It's abrassiere that supplements the figurewithwater implants." "See?" "There it is!" "God!" "0kay. 0kay." "It's funny." "I gottaremember to tell my friend Hope about this." "Hope on the top floor?" "She doesn't think anything's funny." "What gave her such amood dunk?" "I mean isshe always like this?" "No, at first shewas pretty happy." "I catch you later." "One day hope came home and something happened." "I haven't seen her out of her roomsince... but lwork really weird hours at the hospital, so I don't see anyone." " It was nice meetingyou." " Yeah, you too." "Do you know Hope in6D?" "My acting coach told me no to talk to anyonewhile I'm doing my exercises." "Excuse me, miss, do you know...?" "What did he instruct you to do?" "Act like a coffee table?" "I'm thewind blowing in the desert." "Hello!" "Delivery." "Door's open." "Wow!" "What a great place you got here." "ljust delivered to that girl Hope up in6D." "Man, her placewas awreck!" "Do you know her?" "Hi!" "I'm Sam." "I'myour coffee delivery guy." "Isaid do you know Hope in6D?" "Hey, I'mspeaking to you, Tanya." "Can you hear mesay this?" "You look like aman- eating Amazon princess... doing her war painting in preparation for abattle in the corporate jungle." "Delivery boy, couldyou bring me my expresso?" "0h, I take it that's an order from TanyaAmazon Princess!" "Her Majesty commends me to bow down before her and fetch her coffee!" "Well I refuse!" "lwon't be your slave no matter what you throw in me." "I'm not turned on by your executrix power suit, your war armor!" "Your mini- skirt loin cloth displays apowerfulweapon!" "Your thighswhich make me tremblewith lust!" "Andyour brassiere is like aprotective brass plate... you can tear away to unsheathe your most powerfulweapon:" "your hypnotic breasts!" "Here's your coffee, Tanya." "0h, and by theway, I'm not the Amazon princess." "I'm the Amazon queen." " What are all these balloons for?" " Some kid's birthday party." " So, how's your probe going?" " Probe?" "0h, the investigation." "It's terrible." "Some of these girls can be really mean." "There's this one girl, Tanya, she treats me like a total pee- on." "Pee- on?" "I didn't know you're intowatching." "No, not like that." "God, Holden!" "Do you ever think about anything other thansex?" "Isaid forget about Hope and move on tosomeonewho's more probable!" "No, it's not gonnahappen." "I'm not giving up on her." "Come on, man!" "Wake up andsmell the pussy!" "You are totally in lovewith her." "You think that if you find her smile... that she'll end up f ailing in love with likesome f airy tale!" "But more likely she'll end up screwingyou over... andyou'll end up taking it in the tail!" "0kay, alright." "I do love her." "But I'm also her friend." "Look man, something terrible happened to her in that building." "I'm gonna find out what that was and maybe I can make things right again." "Easy on those balloons, you don't want to disappoint the birthday... boy." "Damn it!" "Today is your birthday!" "Now that... iswhat I call ablow job." "Hey chap, check this out." "Kaboom Monthly?" "The definitive guide for popping aboner." "When you're done can I look at that?" "Hello!" "Delivery!" "Delivery here!" "Stop trying to find out what happened to Hope!" "Who are you?" "Come back here!" "I need tospeak to you, please!" "Where didyou go?" "Please tell mewhy don't youwant me to find out what'swrongwith Hope!" "Where are you?" " Not so f ast!" " You know... they say that toenails are the teeth of the foot." "If that's true, I'dsay you got apretty niceset of f angs here." "You think you're funny?" "Pretty cheese ball if you ask me." "Yeah, thesame thing could besaid about your recordsetting toe- jam." "You're that delivery boy for Bart's on the other side of the park, aren't you?" " Why, thank you, Captain 0bvious." " That's not my name." "It's Willens." "And I manage this place." "And I don't like yousnooping around." "If Isee you around here again, I'm gonnamakesure I call the..." "Hey!" "You almost hit mewith that." "How wouldyou like it if I loaded one up?" "Go ahead." "Make my day." "You gottabe joking." "Iwas just clearing my nasal passages." "Youwere the one making a thing of it." "Alright." "Now don't go doing anything rash." "Take your fingers off the nostril." "You first." "Same time." "Eat it, Willens." "Go ahead, pull the trigger." " Pull on this." " Get lost, ass!" "The only thing I'd figured out iswhy detective issometimes called a"dick"." "Cause that'sexactly what I¿ dfound out." "Iwasn't good investigating the mystery of hope." "I hadto find anew strategy." "Sam!" "The rent is due." "Hope!" "Look at this!" "Hope!" "Come to thewindow!" "See this!" "Come on, Hope!" "Look at this!" "This is funny!" "Hi." "Look, I have to ask yousomething andyou have to promise not to laugh." "I promise." "Ever since I met you lwanted to take you to dinner and the movies." "0kay." "Just this once." " Give me asec, okay?" " Yeah, sure." "So, do you think that Hope is cute?" "Yes, she'ssuch a fox." "I think so too." "And get your hands off of her." "Come on in." "Wow, I lovewhat you've done to the place... it's got arealsort of post- modern Miss Havishing look to it." "Yeah, don't mind the mess." "It's okay." "So I hear you used to be amodel?" "If we're gonna talk about me you're gonnahave to leave." "Sorry." "It's just that the other day when you found me, you know..." "Isort of feel like you..." "like yousaved me and I... and ljust wanted tosay thank you..." "Iwas gonnamakesome coffee, dowant any?" "Yeah, sure." "So you know, like yousaid, the other day when Isaw you..." "Actually you don't owe me anything, you know?" "It's..." "I know I don't owe you anything." "I'm just trying to be your friend." "Do youwant any cream or sugar?" "I'll get somesugar." "You know, I'm just trying to be your friend." "That'swhat friends do, right?" "They help each other out." "I'm gonna ask you to leave, actually." " What?" " Ishouldn't have done this and... ljust said lwas trying to be your friend." "I'm gonna give you money for the meal." " No, the meal's on me." " Willyou please?" "Yes, Sam." "Please, willyou just go?" "And take the money?" "No, I'm not gonna take money for the meal, forget it!" " I'm not gonna take the money." " Just take the money, Sam." " No, the meal..." " Please." "The meal's on me." "Pleasewillyou at least go Dutchwith me?" "0kay." "Don't you beso difficult." "Relax, Sam, it's Annie." "ljust couldn't hear over thewashers, I forgot I had that thing on." "It's a f acial massager, it tightens the muscles on my f aceso I look thinner." "0f course it is." "I think this piece goes there and this piece goes here..." "You'restill missingsome pieces." "Why don't you draw the missing parts?" "Youwent to the Art Institute, right?" "I never finished." "Iwasso bad they made me turn in my beret." "The RoyalAcademy of Velvet Painters won't accept me." "I can't even get my work shown in the Museum of Stick Figure Art." "Who cares?" "The curators of that Museum havesticks up their butt." "Velvet painting diedwith Elvis." "Berets?" "They 're not even real hats." "You know, I've always thought that." "I mean it's got no brim." "Doesn't cover your ears." "It's not ahat, it's a goddamn cap!" "That'swhat it is." "Why do you have apen attached to your hip?" "Because I am the f astest draw on the West." "Really?" "I had abit of amishap in my prom." "I don't put pens in my pockets anymore." "It's abit of alongstory." "You ever think how f ar an artist hand has traveled?" "Look at yourself sketching." "Your fingers are in constant motion." "Every time youshade the pen moves a couple inches asecond... that's gotta add up." "This hand has traveled long distances." "Specially in theshower." "Seriously." "Do you know what my f avorite part of being an artist is?" "It's the most honest profession in theworld." "How's that?" "You can pretty much f ake being good in any other profession." "but, as an artist, either your drawing is good or it's bad." "Artists just have to lay everything on the line." "Literally." "Wait asecond." "I'veseen thissomewhere before." "Here's the album youwanted to borrow." "It took me along time to find it, I never listen to them anymore." "Welcome." "How tosee your ex- girlfriend and live to tell about it." "That is thesubject of today 's class." "Sam, you didn't have to concoct some story about wanting to borrow music... just to have an excuse tosee me." "First the guy must act nice to prove he can handle the breakup entirely." "No, I really wanted to borrow the album." "But it is great tosee you." "You finally got your forehead pierced." "Looks good." "Being nice only makes the ex think hewants to get back together... soshewith undisguised pleasure reminds him... that she is the dumper and he is the dumpee." "I'm flatteredyou called, but I broke upwith you, remember?" "This doesn't mean that lwant to hook upwith you again." "This unwarranted rejection hurts like akick to thesheens." "Really, Sam!" "Thesecond punishment sneaks upon you like asnake." "Come on!" "Go!" "I'm hot, I'm thirsty." "I'm hot, I'm thirsty!" "Hey, what ever happened to thosesize 14 guys?" "They got on album, then disappeared." "The evilshe- dumper tortures the poor dumpeewith flirtations... he tries to avoid." " Didyour tongue healed upsome?" " Yes, it's never better." "Really?" "It was pretty good before." "Theshe- dumper is abig prick- tease." "Does thescar tickles the roof of your mouthsome?" "Yeah, it does." "Youshould feel it." "When the dumps chump flirts back, shestops flirting." "Sam, I toldyou!" "We are definitely over!" "Giving him abad case..." "of blue balls." "I think Ishould be alawyer." "But then again lwant to be a vet." "The final torment is theworst." "What are you talking about?" "I can't do any of those things, Isuck." "No, you're really smart." "You can do anythingyouset your mind to." "By theway, where am I takingyou?" "We're going to meet Carl." "Be nice to him, he's my new boyfriend." "It's aball- buster!" "Sam, this is Carl." " Hi." " Hi." "This albumcover." "how did ripping it upconnect to what was rippinguphope's heart?" "I playedthis album until my ears bled." "I hopedthe lyrics might provide some insight to me or to anyone else." "Hey butthead, turn that music!" "Please listen!" "Thanks for listening." "By theway, what are you today?" "A Vietnamwar memorial." "Do you like music?" "What are you doing back there?" "Getting ready to battle in the corporate jungle?" "Is that your war paint?" "God." "I don't know why I even try." "Do you mind if I call China?" "Hey, why do you have your pager number inspeed dial?" "0h my God!" " What are you doing?" " Nothing." "I mean..." "Iwas just trying to make conversation." "How come youwon't give me the time of day?" "Just give me my coffee." "No, not untilyou give me some answers." " Give it to me." " No." "Give mesomestraight answers or the expresso gets it." "Look, I got alot on my mind today... and I don't have time to deal withsomebody like you." "Someone like me?" "Are yousaying I'm alowly delivery guy?" "I don't get it." "Youwomen have always been treated like crap... by your boys club bosses and now that you career girls are on top... why do you treat people thesameway?" "Maybe lwouldn't have to act likesuch abitch onwheels... if you guysweren't so angry that I made more money than you." " Now give it to me!" " Pretty cranky in the morning." "Needyour caffeine fix, huh?" "You know what makes me angry withwomensometimes?" "I am a gentleman, I always open doors for women." "But when awoman is in front of me in an entrance... 9 times out of 10she doesn't hold the door open for me." "Youwant men to treat you as equals but youwon't give us equal treatment!" " What do youwant?" " Respect!" "A"hello, how are you?" would be great for starters." "0kay, how about a "goodbye, and to hellwith you"?" "Stay." "The plumber will pay me!" "Stop trying to find out what happened to Hope!" "See, all I have to do is to find the girlwho has thisscar on her behind..." "And boom!" "You can crack the case." "What are you doing?" "I hope thewater isn't too cold!" "Rose, petal rose, petal beauty." "Today I'm my vagina." "To really complete that assignment youshould add an orgasm to it." "Harder!" "Deeper!" "You know that phrase"behind every great man there's a great woman"?" "I'm afraid that I'll never be a great man cause I can't get my great woman." "I prefer the corollary." "Behind every great woman there's a great man." "Look, I'mserious here, man." "I mean is it impossible... to become a great man without a great woman?" "What is this?" "We don't stock these!" "Those are for me!" ""0lder  Bolder Magazine"?" ""Grannies  Fannies Illustrated"?" ""Wide Load Review"?" " "Stomp Monthly"?" " Shut up!" "I'm tired of you acting like I'm from the bottom of the Bible belt." " At least I have f aced the awful truth." " What awful truth?" "I am gross." "All men are." "And every day we f ace the endless nightmare that... love handle by love handle, nose hair by nose hair... we're becoming more grotesque versions of the cute boyswewere." "It is impossible tostop the hordes of time... from destroying our muscle tone and leaving uswith these... defeatedsaggy male boobies!" "But I am at peace." "I have come to grips with thewhore that has become me." "So how does"Moist  Midget" magazine improve your image?" "Because men are gross on the inside too." "That'swhy these magazinessell." "A woman's pussy mount is aslippery slope." "Sex is anarcotic andyou, my friend, are addicted just like me." "0nly you're at thesmoking marijuanastage I'm at the heroinstage." " More like thespeed ballingstage." "Good one." "Now, my point is... an addict needs abigger and bigger fix each time just to get thesame high!" "That'swhy they move on to the hardstuff." "Nowsex is thesameway." "You needsomething kinkier and kinkier to get thesame thrill in your drill!" "0kay, so hence "America's Harriest" magazine?" "No, I don't know if"America's Harriest" is gonna get me donkey dick." "But, almost doner for aboner, and these magazines aresomebody 's fix." "They might give me apecker high, they might not." "You areso f ar off you're not evenwrong!" " It'sso much better with awoman." " Don't foolyourself." "Thestraight screw is the methadone of sex." "It'll keep you from the hardstuff for awhile, but sooner or later... youwill roll off your old lady... just like an addict f alls off thewagon." "Accept it, Sam." "You and I are alike." "Your weirdness is onestep away from my grossness." "And look, you enrolled on anArt School so you couldsee nakedwomen." "That is no different than me looking at dirty pictures." "It's completely different." "0ne is art, the other is pornography!" "Yes, but once youstart down the dark path... forever will it dominatrix your destiny!" "Join me." "I'll never join you!" "It's in your blood, Sam." "I amyour cousin." "Now Holden and I did have some of thesame DNA... and this meant that I could have thesame genetic inclination as him... towards becoming a Grand Master of perversion." "Got mespooked." "Trick or treat!" "Ishould've guessed." "Who are yousupposed to be?" "I'm Popeye." "Andwhat am Isupposed to be?" "You, my dear, are aFreudianslip." " You know what I can't stand?" " Trick or treat!" "Peoplewho aren't who they say they are." "Like... take, for instance, wise old Mahatma Gandhi." "Didyou know that in aspeech advocating non- violent protest... he oncesaid that Mussolini wasn't abad man?" "You know I had thesame feelingwhen Isaw a comic book about the Pope." "I mean, what does the Pope need a comic book for?" "Yeah, and the idiots that wanna read a comic book on the Pope!" "Yeah, exactly." "Like"What do lwant?" "Batman or the Pope?"" "Like the Popemobile is as cool as the Batmobile." "Come on!" " We need to get some more candy." " 0kay." "I mean, don't get mewrong..." "I'm not aBible basher." "And for the matter I also hate the jerks on the other end of thespectrum." "You know the ones?" "Got those old beat up cars and abumper sticker that says like..." ""Don't laugh, your daughter might be in the trunk."" "His name is Richard Blaine." "I think he's the pecker that broke Hope's heart." "This party 's the perfect place for us to get the girls give us ascheme on him." "Gotcha." "Let's probe." "My friend Richard Blaine used to do an acting exercise exactly like that." "This isn't an exercise." "This is how I dance." "So, do you know a guy named Richard Blaine?" "Carl!" "Has anyone ever toldyou you got arack that should be bronzed?" "Beat it." "You know my friend Richard Blaine loves puzzles like this." "Do you know him?" "Didyou get it done?" "Wait!" "How do I get out of this thing?" "What're you doing?" "Finger fucking?" "No." "It's a Chinese finger puzzle." "See, the harder I pull the morestuck I become." "It happened to me once." "Except that wasn't in apuzzle, it was in anAsian chick." "What was her name?" "Chew Me Wang." "You know, this thing has got me thinking." "Hope is alot like this puzzle." "The harder I try the further I get away fromsolving it." "If youwanna find out what happened to Hope, do exactly as Isay... and keep absolutely quiet." "Now wait here." "If youwannahave the greatest sex of your life, do exactly as Isay." "Kinky." "Do you know it gets me hot?" "Doing it in completesilence." "What are you doing?" "Sam?" "Holden?" "I toldyou tostop trying to find out what happened to Hope!" "But youwouldn't listen!" "You know that Chinese finger puzzle?" "It doesn't just work on fingers!" "0h God!" "Holden, low your puppy!" "Low your puppy!" "It's thewise guy!" "Thisway." "Come on, thisway!" "Thisway!" "0h my God!" "Now cough." "My heart's beatingso f ast I can't reduce the blood flow, you know?" "You guys have been in the bathroom along time." "What's the holdup?" " How are you doing, Holden?" " No luck." "I need inspiration, I need..." "impotence inspiring imagery." "What is this?" "Check out this f at chick." "She's areal Bahamamama!" "She is f atty f atty f at f at!" " I think it'sworking." " Is it?" " Really?" " Yes." "It... is." "Nothing likesomethingsaggy to make you gosoggy." "Here." "Try it, Sam." "It's you, isn't it?" "What do yousay I take you out for a cup of coffee?" "I can't." "My mascarais allsmeared." "And Ismeared my eyebrows too!" "It's okay." "It's okay, just wipe it off." "I can't, ljust spilled the remover." "I'm a freak." "Come on, Annie." "Let me take you out." "See?" "We'll be freaks together." "People back then used to call me a Gargantuan." "Now I'mwhat they call nothingspecial, nothingscary." "I think you're very cute." "Thanks." "Let mesee." "It's very good." "When Iwas alittle kid... they used tosay that I looked like one of thosestrange Dr. Seuss creatures." "They called me Sam IAm." "You know, from"Green Eggs and Ham"?" "When they teased me, do you know what I used to do to cheer myself up?" ""I like to eat themwhen they 're hot I'd also eat them mixedwithsnot"" ""I'd eat them in the morning dew I'll eat them 'til I have tospew"" ""I like to eat green eggs and ham Yes, I do" " Sam IAm!"" "Well... goodnight, Sam IAm." "Goodnight, Annie." "Tanya, are you okay?" "Tanya, are you home?" "It's Peggy, open up!" "Tanya!" " 0h my God!" " lwas calling!" " My phone is off the hook." " This is your big break." "There's abreakingstory on Spring Street." "You gottarun." " Now?" " They 'll put you on camera." " My god!" " Now!" "I'mserious, man." "Her pager is her vibrator." "Iwaswonderingwhy sheset her pager number onspeed dial." "It's anewspeed dial aidservice!" "Come." "God!" "Man, we gottastop laughing." "I'mstill recovering from that Chinese puzzle!" "It hurts, doesn't it?" "...highSchool, where Mr.Delgado..." " Do you know her pager number?" "I think it was like555- 0068 or something." "Why?" " Testing out your theory." " No, Holden." "Don't!" "Give me that!" "You know what your problem is, Sam?" "You're pussy- whipped." "Andyou're not even getting any pussy." "This Tanyais treatingyou likescum andyoustand up for her... becauseshe makes your pecker stand up." "Give me the phone!" " No!" "Goscrew yourself, man!" " Precisely." "That is the only way tostop awoman from usingyour dick as astickshift... and drivingyou around town on a full tank of your hormones!" "Take it from me, Sam." "I cannot tellyou the number of times a girl has got me to fix her car... or paint her house or take her husband to the airport!" "Show them damn f armers market and sit through the pain- in- the- ass opera." " Shut up, Jason!" "Shut up!" " No, Jason's right." "Jason's ameathead, but he's right." "Now listen, Sam." "I did all kinds of these things because a guy 's balls... are the biggest reservoir of hope thisworld has ever seen!" "You know, trying to get laid by fixing her f an belt is your f ault, yours!" "Sam, you'reso full of man gravy!" "Listen, you need to be more like me and take matters into your own hands." "Why do you think they call it "masturbate"?" "Because it allows you to be the master of your own f ate." "And it's not just aphysical release." "It's arelease of women's control over you!" "Jason!" "You don't need them, they can't manipulate you." "I'm doing this for your own good." "Today is your independence day, Sam!" "...watchingsome amazingstory... that...if...anyone... deserves a..." "Miraclescan happenl" "You'resuch a... a dick!" "Andso are you." "After standingupfor Tanya, Idecided Ishould stand upfor myself." "Specially withthe evil shedumper, Gretchen." "You know what, Gretchen?" "It just occurred to me." "You're just like this bike." "I'm cool, I'm thirsty." "I'm cool, I'm thirsty." " You'reso directionless." " I don't know what lwant to do." "0n one hand I could be a graphic designer, or I could be asinger... or I could be a doctor, or I could be apet detective, or I could..." "And I'm always pumping up your ego like"you're very creative"..." " I'm creative." " ..."You're very smart"..." " I'msmart." " ..."You're very sexy"..." "I'msexy." "I amsexy." "You're really on maintenance." " Come on, let's go." " But Carl is the other way." "Yeah, but I gotta go now." "But youwouldn't even have this bike if I hadn't given you mine." "You know what?" "It's your bike andyou can keep it." "Because it's areal piece of work." "Alright!" "I'll give it to Carl." "I don't needyou to ride my bike!" "What happened to the breaks?" "Sam, help!" " Sugar with the coffee, right?" " Yeah, please." "You know what Isaw on the shopping tent the other day?" "They 'reselling action figures of the Pope." "Really?" "What are you doingwith my box?" "That we can play checkers." "Sowhat do you dowhen there's somethingyou really want... but you know you can never have it?" "You become a delivery guy for your uncle." "But becoming an artist... is that what you alwayswanted to do?" "So thenwhy didyou quit?" "'Cause my f avorite teacher told me I couldn't draw." "People arewrong all the time." "Why don't you draw me?" "Forget it." "I used to pose for art classes all the time." "I could never do you justice." "If you draw me, I'llshow you my etchings." "Well, I'msure your etchings are amasterpiece." "You really need tosee the cross- etching to appreciate it." " Let'ssee." " No, it's terrible." "Come on." "Let mesee." "I let yousee." "That's not terrible." "Why do you think it's bad?" "Look at thespatial relationships." "That's too exaggerated." "Barely looks like you." "I made you funny- looking." "It's like a5- year- old did this." "Iwas just watching aspecial on Picasso." "You know what hesaid about his own drawings?" "That he'dstrive to draw like a child." "Because hesaid that a child's drawings are unaffected by rules... and they are extremely expressive." "They truthfully show what's inside the child." "Yeah, but lwasn't striving to draw like a child." "Just happened by mistake." "Maybe your mistakes are really your style." "Maybewe make mistakes because... deep downwe really want to make them." "I lost my job thanks to you!" "I didn't make those calls, alright?" "It was my cousin Holden." "His dad own this place." "It's true, I tried tostop him." "You're lying." "No, really." "Holden and I got into abig fight about it." " Yeah, right." " Just because I'm a guy... doesn't mean I'm out toscrew you." "Why do you hate menso much?" "Women are just superior to men." " Like how?" " Like you can't have babies." " You can't open jars of peanut butter." " Women mature f aster than men." " Men are f aster in the bathroom." " Allserial killers are men." " Almost all cereal box mascot are men." " Women can have multiple orgasms." " We don't have to f ake them." " Women live longer than men." " It's away we can get away fromyou." " You can't take anythingseriously." " You can't take a joke." " I don't need aman for a thing." "You just set your beepers on vibrate." "0kay!" "So put your hands up here, pal!" "That is real good, pretty lady." "That's... 0kay, here it is." "Here's the deal." "Isaid put your hands up!" "I don't want any funny business!" "There are0,000 comedians out of work." "And I don't needyou to act funny like abump in alog!" "Now, let me tellyou what this is all about." "Everyday I come in here and Isay "Hey pal... can youspare a cup of coffee?" "Cream?" "A littlesugar?"" "And everyday, every day and day you give me arag time!" "Guesswhat?" "Today you're on the rag!" "You understandwhat I'msaying?" "It's your turn!" "So lwant you to open that cash register... take out all of the cash and while you're at it, let'ssee..." "Give me apack of smokes, ultralight 100... apack of your breath mints, and... awet lubricant stuff!" "I'm gonnaparty tonight!" "I am!" "Andyou know what?" "I'm gonnaparty on your dime!" "You don't wanna get me pissed off!" "Do it now!" "0pen that cash register, boy!" "And give me...!" "God!" "I thought yousaidyou didn't need aman for anything." "Please!" "You couldn't have done it without me." "Hope!" "Come on, Hope!" "0pen up!" " Sam!" " They 're evictingyou." "Yeah." "That'swhat happens, okay... when you don't go towork, get apaycheck and pay your rent!" " Wouldyou please just leave?" " lwon't leave 'til I get some answers." "Sam, you're not helping." "Then at least tell me when this is gonnabe over." "I don't know!" " I keep looking for proof." " Proof of what?" "Sam, you've been really sweet." "I think it's best wesay goodbye now." "I'm not gonnaleave." "I'llstay out here forever if I have to." "I heardyou and Hope before." "I bakedyou this." "It's chocolate, my f avorite." " No, thanks." " lt'll make you feel better." "Really." "Every time lwassad I had one of these." " Does it work?" " Worked for me hundreds of times." "Youshould keep it then." "Hello, my name is Annie, I'm a chocoholic." "I've been cocoa free for 1year, 3 months and6 days." "I have abite of this and I'm an addict again!" "0kay, I'msorry." "I forgot." "Let me get a taste here." "That's good." "Didyou know that chocolate has thesame chemical in it... that your body produces when you're in love?" " Is that true?" " I don't know for sure, I've... never been in love before, but that'swhat they say." " You have nice legs." " No." "Please just stop looking at them." "Let mesee your butt." "No, I don't want you tosee my legs, I'm not gonnalet yousee my butt!" "No, it just occurred to me I never checked out your butt for thescar." " I don't have ascar." " Come on, let mesee your butt." " It's not abig deal." " Just stop it!" "Don't worry, Annie." "No one is to look at your behind." "You can just let bigstrong guy like me get in touchwith Miss Sweet Cheeks." "That's not f air, Mr. Hand is to have all the fun!" "That's not true, Signor Chin." "Johnny 0ne" " Eye is to have all the fun." "Correction, Sir Belly!" "Johnny 0ne" " Eye is alot uptight, he never gets tosee the light of day." "You can't keep me in here forever!" "Iwill rise again!" "Johnny!" "I hate it whenwe're apart." "You are the Shakespeare of Body Part Theater." "Well... if this is the theater, then I think you're missingsomething." "A womanso beautiful... needs a diamond necklace whenshe goes to ashow." "You like that?" "Well, if you're my date... then you are alittle underdressed, I think." "Please, give me akiss!" "No!" "No, areal kiss!" "Please give me areal kiss!" "How about givingsome tongue?" "You know what?" " Hey, Annie." " Hey, Sam IAm." "Does this building have astorage place?" "Yeah, in the basement." "Why?" "I thought maybe Hope havestoredsomething there." "Maybewe can findsomething out." "What?" "Nothing, ljust..." "kind of figuredwe're together." "We are together." "I'mso happy right now." "Why are youstill trying to find out what'swrongwith Hope?" " Becauseshe's my friend." " Don't go down there." "Hey, look." " Nothing'swrong, okay?" "It's okay." " Please, Sam." "Why?" "Are you jealous?" "0h, no." "I'm new at this." "I toldyou it's the first time I get areal boyfriend." " Just makes me feel funny." " It's okay." " Just do one thing for me." " What?" "Just stop trying to help Hope." "No, I can't." "I'msorry." "She's my friend, I'm not gonna abandon her." "Right, motherfucker!" "That's right!" " That's it, Peeping Tom!" " He's in thewall!" "He's in thewall!" "He's in thewall, girls!" "Help me!" "Get him, girls!" "Get him!" "Get him!" " Get him!" " Annie!" "Annie, come on." "0pen the door, please!" "I don't wannasee you anymore." "You made your choice." " Come on, please, Annie!" "0pen the door!" " Go away." "Ishould have figured it was you." "Hold himstill." "Wait!" "I can explain!" "How is that portable pocket pussy going?" " That's not what it is." " Yeah, sure it is." "Look at that thing." "Got alittle nickname for it?" "Cock" " Sucky Sue?" "I know you just can't wait to get your tongue in there and lub it up." "Shut up!" "It's my turn to talk." "This device is for my... por... problem." "I can't even say theword, but... let's just say that's how it spells, like aport." "You know how addicts useso many drugs they can't get high anymore?" "That'swhat happened to me, man." "I overdosed on hardcore and now..." "I can't get ahard- on." "While holdenwastelling me about his important problem... that'swhen I heard it." "What was humphrey Bogart's character's name... inthe classic film"Casablanca"?" "Richard Blainel" "Richard BlainelThat wasthe name of Bogart'scharacter in"Casablanca"." " Here, I'llshut off." "Youwon 50Odollars, Danl" "Congratulations." "Ishouldn't have got that used." "Richard Blaine, as in"Play it again, Sam"." "Might aswell been "You've been played, Sam."" "But lwasn't gonnabe played any longer." "I now had ahunch." "I just neededto test it." "Mr. Willens, please let me by this one last time." "You take one morestep forward, you're gonna findyourself in chunks." "In my stool." "And no one's gonna care." "I'm just protecting the girls from the likes of you." "You're the one they need protection from!" " Who's gonnabelieve you?" " They will." "When they find that you're the grossest man alive." " Thend grossest!" "Let my friend go!" " How are you gonnamake me do that?" "Ho" " Chi mama!" "Come on, girls!" "That's allyou got?" "Hello, ladies." "So that's my story." "And I can tell by the looks on your f aces... there's gonnabe only oneway of convincingyou to let me go." "Willyou let meshow you?" "Yousee, this is irrefutable proof that men are gross." "Maybe Ishould be more precise: men without women are absolutely gross." "I did all of this, everything, for awoman." "Men needyou." "Men needwomen tosave us from ourselves." "Alright, let him go." "I brought you down, you circus freak!" "So you're the onewho paged me?" " How didyou find out?" " Sam." "He told me you guys had a fight over it." " Hewas right." "Men are gross." " And I'm the perfect example." "But he forgot to mention one thing:" "that men can also be heroic." "I think it's apretty noble thing you did, coming to his rescue." "Why didyou do it?" "I didn't want him to end up like me." "Hi. ljust wanted to makesure that after the other night... that we'restill good, still friends." "0f course." "How didyou know?" "All the clues, they were red herrings." "What's going on?" "Please don't be mad." "I don't even know where tostart." "Why not by telling me if you've really beensad for all theses months?" "Yes." "Thewhole time." "Willyou pleasesit?" "I lost someone really close to me." "Jesse." "Hewas my best friend in thewhole world ever since I can remember." "Let's dosome hairdo." "Six months ago, everything changed." "Jesse!" " What?" " What are you doing?" "I don't know." "Westarted being friends, Hope." "You know..." "Iwannabe your boyfriend." "Haven't you ever thought of me that way before?" "Not really." "I mean you've always been a true friend." "Someone that I can trust." "Like abrother." "Andyou've always been this guy that has never f ailed to make mesmile." "That'sso nice!" "You know, but..." "Iwant more than this." "0kay?" "If lwanted a friend I'd go hang out with the guys." "Men don't want female friends." "All menwant are girlfriends." "Sowhy don't we kiss andsee if there's any spark between us, okay?" " Jesse, please!" "Don't!" " I don't get this!" "Last week Isaw you make out with some guy you'd known for an hour... but youwon't kiss me?" "Hope, I've known you all my life!" "Let's just kiss andsee how it feels, alright?" "Let's just kiss." " Just give me a..." " Please!" "Stop!" "Get off!" "You owe me this, Hope, okay?" "Give me a fucking kiss!" " Get off!" "Stop it!" " Shut up!" " Jesse, don't...!" " Give me akiss!" "Stop it!" "Get off!" "Get off of me!" "That'swhen Icame to believe that I could never trust aman's friendship." "Because amanwasonly doing it because he wanted more." "And if Icouldn't trust men as a friend how could lever trust men as alover?" "Then I met you again." " Hope!" " Hello, Sam." "Itold Annie about everything because she and I had became really close." "He's out there again." "If Sam could prove that hewas your true friend... wouldyou let him be your true love?" "Andwould Santa Claus bring him here for Christmas, Annie?" "Couldn't hurt tosee how f ar he'd go." "Ever since I met you lwanted to take you to dinner and the movies." "He's out there." "What do I do?" "He just wants to know why you'resosad." "Let's give himsome clues." " An album cover?" "That's not a clue." " But Sam doesn't know that." "Weshould just stop, okay?" "I'm gonnabe even more depressed if Sam turns out to be just like Jesse." "We can't, we're in too deep." "Here he comes!" "Here he comes!" ""I cried my eyes out..."" "And thenwrite: "...that Richard Blaine knows nothing about love."" "Finally something presented itself." "I think Sam likes me." "Just do one thing for me." "Stop trying to help Hope." "Ididn't plan for this finaltest." "No, she's my friend." "I can't abandon her." "But it allseemedworth it." "Youstillwanted to be my friend even after you had a girlfriend... and at the risk of losing the girlfriend." "That'swhen I had proof that you are for real." "Youwere a true friend." "And now I've f allen completely in lovewith you." "Andwhy aren't yousmiling now?" " Because you're not smiling." " What didyou expect?" "I knew lwasweird, but I didn't know lwasstupid." "Sam, you're not stupid." "Andwhat you think isweird I find charming." "Andwhat you call accidentally funny..." "I call plainly funny." "It's theway to awoman's heart, Sam." "By making her smile." "Andyou've made mesmile." "Yeah, but all of this..." "none of this is real." "This is real." "Carl!" "Come on!" "It hurts!" "God!" "Hurry up, you idiot!" "What'swrongwith you?" "This painkiller sucks!" "Yousuck!" "Think off!" "Where'd everything go?" "Dumpster." "That Willens guy gave me thewillies." "That could've been me in a year." "Months maybe." "Yeah." "I know the feeling." "Aren't you gonnaneed some of thisstuff?" "Not since Tanya and I hooked up." "Right." "I'm happy for you, my friend." "Sam?" "Check this out." "Come on!" "That's funny." "Talk to me." "What?" "I'm not blind." "Something'swrong if the cartoon on my ass isn't makingyousmile." "No, I'm okay." "You've got aproblem." "You love me but you think you might also love Annie." "No, I don't." "Well, she loves you." "She didn't plan it, but it happened." "And I know you care for her too." "And I love you, Sam." "And lwant youso bad... there's amillionsmiles I have for us toshare." "And I can make you love me more." "But it's... time for me to be a friend to you." "What are you talking about?" "I'm not lettingyou go, but I'msettingyou free." "You have to decide for yourself." "Annie, look, I need to talk to you." "What do youwant?" "You know what isworse than not being able to findsomeone'ssmile?" "Makingsomeone lose theirs." " lwannahelp you get yours back." " I'll find it myself." "When I get to the bottom of this chocolate- chocolate chip." "Look, Annie, I love you." "That's kind of hard for me to believe after everythingyou've done for her." "Look, it's true." "Remember all those drawings I did the other night... when lwas camped outside of Hope's door?" "They weren't of her." "They were of you, they 're all of you." " That meanssomething, right?" " You're confused." "You've hurt Gargantuan, the girl who's f at but has a great personality." "Now you feel guilty." "You think you care about me but it's just pity." "Goodbye, Sam." "No, Annie, don't." "I'm not leaving here untilyou look at this." "Annie, please!" "What's in the case?" " Got any dirty pictures in here?" " Give it back!" "You know, the cops came by to talk to me the other day." "Now I gotta take this cab down to the station and answer more questions." "These drawings are irreplaceable, willyou just please give them back?" "These are all of thesame girl!" "That bitch, Annie!" " Give it back." " Why should I?" "Look, if you do, lwon't tell the cops that youwere on those passageways." "I need those drawings toshow Annie how much I care for her." "If I lose the drawings I'm gonna lose Annie." "Now give them back!" "You know, I may be the pervert the cops are looking for... but I'm not going down for it." "No, I think I'm gonnakeep these." "The cops may be curious about these." "All of thesame girl?" "Looks to me like you got an obsession." "The cops are gonnaperk upwhen I tell themyou've beenstalking her." "See you in court, sport!" "Let him go, Willens!" "Undercover detective!" "You're under arrest." " What?" "I didn't do nothing!" " 0h yeah." "Iwasn't on my knees praying all those times..." "Iwas on my knees planting listening devices!" "We know all about you." "Get in." "11th Precinct, please." "I think somebody 's lost their smile." "Come on, girls, we can't lose onesingle paper!" "Go, go!" " Here you go, Sam." " Thank you." " Here you go, Sam." " Here." " This is for you." " Found this." " Here's one." " Good luck!" "Annie!" "Annie, come to thewindow!" "Please!" "Annie!" "Come on!" "Come to thewindow!" "Please, Annie!" "Annie, look at it!" "Come on, please, willyou look at it!" "Annie!" "Are you crazy?" "Can't yousee how much Sam cares about you?" "Annie, I love you!" "This is the only way I can get you tosee how I feel!" "by DON SALIERI"