"You know that stuff that they selling now in the local shop." "Wich stuff?" "I can't believe it's not butter." "Oh, yes...." "Well, you know...., I can't believe it's not butter." "Yeah, well I believe that's the idea." "Then yesterday.., I went to Crookenden and" "I bought this other stuff, like a sort of 'home brand'." "Yes...." "And, you know," "I can't believe it's not 'I Can't Believe It's Not Butter'." "Hmmm......." "I'm losing you now." "Oh, Right." "Well, you know 'I Can't Believe It's Not Butter'..." "Yeah, yeah, you think it is butter?" "No, no, I mean, you know the stuff I can't believe is not butter is called 'I Can't Believe It's Not Butter'." "Probably, yeah, yeah..." "Well, I can't believe the stuff that's not" "'I Can't Believe It's Not Butter' is NOT 'I Can't Believe It's Not Butter'" "And I can't believe.." "that both" "'I Can't Believe It's Not Butter' AND the stuff that" "I can't believe is not 'I Can't Believe It's Not Butter' are both, in fact, not butter!" "And I believe......." "they both might be butter .in a cunning disguise." "And in fact, there's a lot more butter around than we all thought there was." "Yeah...." "You see.." "I don't know what you're talking about, but I'm sure God does and is intrigued by the hole thing." "One thing I do know, though." "What?" "This is not butter." "This is clotted cream." "Do you know where it's going?" "In here?" "No, in MY mouth pot now!" "Uh-uh." "Mmmm..." "Sorry, mouth's not big enough, surprisingly." "Come on in." "God got a lot of things right." "I mean men's bottoms are lovely, aren't they, but he really should have made mouths scone-sized I think." "So, how can I help you?" "It's our little Karl..." "Yeah." "..I'm afraid he's passed away." "Oh, dear..." "I'm so sorry." "It was rather sudden." "We wonder if you would be able to do the funeral tomorrow?" "Yes, yes, of course." "D'you mind me asking how old was Karl?" "He was just three..." "Oh, dear." "Look, would you like to come in?" "No, no." "Thank you very much, Vicar." "Right." "I'll see you tomorrow." "Take care." "How could I have said that about men's bottoms?" "!" "I mean, they're not lovely." "Most of them are just horrible." "My brother's bottom looks like Willie Whitelaw, chewing toffee!" "Oh, God..." "Oh, Alice, that poor woman!" "Imagine wanting to burying him tomorrow." "Don't people cope with death in strange ways?" "Oh, they certainly do." "When my father died, my mom cracked open a bottle of champagne and went strait to Majorca." "Well, that was probably cos she hated him." "Dear Lord, you have seen fit to take Karl from us." "We commend his soul to you and pray that you welcome him into the kingdom of heaven." "It's hard to understand why Felix felt it necessary to eat Karl, especially since he'd just devoured an entire tin of Whiskas." "In the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Goose..." "Amen." "It's mad, isn't it, Alice?" "People genuinely love their animals more than they love each other." "Animals are nicer than humans." "Yep." "Good point, Wonderland." "I remember when my budgie 'Carrot' first died..." "I was absolutely heartbroken." "He was the only animal I'd not been allergic to." "When he first died?" "That's right... cos he died and then two days later he came back to life again." "Ye-es." "A bit like Jesus, but with feathers." "Then he died twice the next year." "Both times, came back to life again." "Are you sure he absolutely did die?" "Oh, yeah." "Fell off his perch an' everything." "We buried him." "Just out of interest, what did he look like when he came back to life?" "Well, he always looked a bit different, but I mean... what would you expect because, after all, he had died." "Yeah..." "you don't think, Alice, that perhaps your affectionate, but technically insane mother just bought you a new budgie each time so you wouldn't be too sad?" "What...?" "Poor Carrot actually did die?" "Yeah." "And little Carrot also died..." "Yeah." "And Carrot?" "Look, come on, come on..." "We'll pray for all of them, the whole bunch of Carrots." "Hey, Alice..." "Look!" "Look!" "Right, I've had a letter from Florence Glover..." "That poor woman!" "That husband of hers is a monster." "The most unpleasant man that lived in the village." "What's the news then?" "He's dead." "Finally, the pumpkin show is on Saturday week." "All entries should be in by Friday night." "Well I think I got you this year, Jim." "It's a big orange bastard" "No-no-no-no-no not a chance." "They don't call you 'No Hope Newitt' for nothing!" "All right, children!" "If there isn't any AOB, the Addams Family is on TV tonight and I'd like to spend some time with normal folk." "Well...actually, there is one thing." "I'll catch it on video." "I'm planning a special service for the animals of the village." "Ooh, Sheba and Fishcake will be pleased." "I beg your pardon?" "I know you'll all think I'm Miss PMT 1994, but this IS a country parish and people just adore their animals." "So why not let St.Barnabas be an ark for the morning?" "And Jim, you can be Noah." "No-no-no-no...." "Noah..." "Yeah..." "Sounds barking mad to me." "Yes, I think the vicar can do what she chooses with her own church." "Perhaps we can return to this at the next meeting." "We meet again in a fortnight." "Oh, Vicar, I wonder if you could drop by after lunch tomorrow." "Little chat." "Certainly." "I'd invite you for lunch, but Hugo is cooking and his food tastes like manure." "Doesn't it, Hugo?" "Sorry, Father?" "Your food!" "What does it taste like?" "Oh, absolute poo, I'm afraid." "See you after lunch." "Yes." "God It's cold out here." "You should put your horse in the stable, David." "Looks like it's got a great big stalactite hanging between its legs!" "Afternoon, Vicar." "I must say, David..." "Oh, cheers." "I really appreciate your support on this whole animal thing." "When I arrived, I thought you and I would fight like Richard and Judy." "But now, something warm and cuddly and a bit Mr Kipling's happening." "Well, I'm delighted about that." "Port?" "Oh, yes." "Bugger the gout!" "Who needs two legs?" "Well actually, there is one little thing" "I wanted to say about this animal service idea." "Excellent." "All ideas welcome." "Are you absolutely and totally bollocking crazy?" "Pardon?" "Are you seriously going to let animals into our church?" "Er, yes, I am." "I think it's a great idea." "People love animals." "People also love food mixers." "But there very few of us pressing the Archbishop of Canterbury for a special communion for the Moulinex Magicmaster!" "Are you hinting that you're not keen on it?" "Have you thought it through?" "Is there to be any limit on size?" "Is a hippopotamus allowed?" "There aren't any hippos here..." "Well..." "Apart from Mrs Stanfield!" "Do nits get a blessing?" "Are fleas to be excluded?" "Should we bring our free-range eggs to have the unborn chickens blessed, ....before we go home to scramble them?" "For a big chap, David, you're being very childish." "I'M being childish?" "!" "I'm not the one who's going to bless the ickle-wickle hamster!" "I mean, for heaven's sake, what if your congregation start eating each other?" "Any animal caught swallowing another animal, will be pretty sternly ticked off." "And that is before we consider hygiene." "One of the joys of having humans in church is that they tend to be house-trained!" "Well, I don't deny there may be one or two puddly accidents." "If Mrs Fothergill's parakeet gets escapes we'll be wearing protective headgear for the rest of our lives!" "I'm sorry, I just can't talk to you." "Who will you talk to?" "The animals?" "Even Jesus, who had damn whacky ideas, didn't bless animals." "Donkeys, he rode them." "Fish, he ate them..." "Hello, Vicar." "Splendid idea about the service." "Out!" "Absolutely." "Saucepans to scrub." "I don't..." "Now..." "Just one question..." "Vicar." "Teddy bears..." "Someone was asking me." "Will they be welcome?" "Abso-bloody-lutely, Hugo!" "Yes, they will." "Splendid." "Yes I better be going too." "I got a doctor friend popping by..." "Perhaps you've heard of him." "Doolittle!" "Lovely chap." "Do me one favour, Vicar." "Try not to publicise this fiasco outside our poor little village." "And do look up the word "laughing-stock" in your dictionary." "I'm also going to look up "lips go unattractively thin when angry"!" "Can I speak to the Bishop's office please?" "So, You're really having animals in church, are you?" "Oh, Yes-yes, we are." "Will gerbils take communion?" "Oh, gosh!" "It's like Blockbusters." "You'd have to ask the vicar." "Oh, Vicar.." "This man's asking about the service." "Oh!" "Have we met?" "No, I'm an admirer." "I've got a bulldog myself." "Nags me every sunday to take him to church!" "He's fond of the Mass in Latin." "You're taking the mickey." "No, everyone at the paper is really excited about it." "Sheep singing hymns." "Brilliant idea, isn't it?" "Can we have a picture?" "What...?" "Oh, my God!" "Have you SEEN this?" "No." "What?" "WHAT?" "What is it?" "Oh, my God!" "Who is THAT?" "That's Jabba The Hut!" ""In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Goat." "Baa-men!"" "And listen, they've written a special prayer for you." ""Our Father, who art in doggie heaven, hallowed be Thy mane." ""Thy kingdom come, Thy Pedigree Chum..."" ""On earth as it is in...."" "For heaven's sake!" "And you're actually quoted as saying that gerbils WILL be given holy communion." "I tell you, if that young journalist comes near me again, you'll see me wearing a pair of testacle-shaped earrings!" "What I actually said..." "The point is that you shouldn't have said anything at all!" "Well I know that.." "But they didn't have horns and tails, so we didn't realise they were from the tabloids!" "The trouble is..." "that you don't realise anything." "You're good woman with a good heart, but you should be running a cake stall, not a church." "And I'm afraid, dear lady, the time has come, for the sake of this community, for me to begin proceedings to have you replaced." "What?" "!" "I'll see myself out." "(Oh, God!" ")" "Have you seen...?" "Yes, I have." "I haven't been so depressed since David Bowie married a stick insect." "Oh, well, that's it." "We'll have to cancel." "Everybody's laughing at us." "No." "Some people are laughing at us." "But if I'd stopped doing things cos people were laughing," "I'd have stood stock still all my life." "The problem is Big Chief David Wigwamhead is genuinely on the warpath." "I could be paddle-less up a creek that rhymes with Britt!" "Don't worry, I'll stick by you." "I can be a pretty scary opponent, as Gavin Hart discovered when he tried to look up my pants in the playground." "I stabbed him in the head with a protractor!" "Ooh, that's a nice one." "Are you going to the animal service Jim?" "No-no-no-no-no..." "I haven't made up my mind yet." "I don't like missing Little House On The Prairie!" "How about you, Letitia?" "Oh, yes." "The question is whether to bring the snails for my new recipe." "Oh?" "...." "What recipe is that?" "Bread And Butter Pudding Surprise." "Oh dear, I just trod in something brown and it's certainly not chocolate cake." "Are you going to the animal service Owen?" "Ah, well, I don't know you see." "I might not be fit for it." "After all the drinking to celebrate my great pumpkin victory." "Some hope!" "From what I hear your pumpkins are no-no-no bigger than your balls!" "Well, then, I'd better be getting myself some larger underpants." "Ooh!" "Well, no-no-no-no not so bad, I suppose." "Well, if you'll excuse me..." "Have you heard the rumour by the way?" "Mr Horton is trying to get the vicar the sack." "I don't believe it!" "No!" "Come on in, Jim!" "Second place isn't so bad." "Germany came second in the war, they done allright." "Good." "Then you'll enjoy being number two." "Da-daa!" "Well, bugger me!" "It's time the vicar did something about your bad language." "Ooh, it is a big bugger though, isn't it?" "Have you heard the rumours that's going around?" "Look, sorry Alice, but If it's got anything to do with butter," "I'm really not interested." "No..." "Hiya..." "Oh, hello." "How are you?" "Fine..." "Well, I've been having a bit of a trouble with a verruca, but the big scab fell off today so it's better." "Yes, she's here." "May I just say you looked gorgeous in that frock you were wearing the last time you were here." "Yeah, right, she's here." "Loads of love." "A-B-Y-S-S-I-N-I-A." "Who is it?" "The bishop." "What?" "!" "The bishop." "Bertie, hi." "Gerry here." "Sorry about that..." "Lobotomy, yes." "Very slow progress, sadly." "So how can I help you?" "David Horton's been calling you..." "He's a total nutter, isn't he?" "One of your dearest friends, right." "No, he does represent the feelings of a large sector of the community." "Point taken." "Right." "Well, thanks for the tip-off." "Big love to Luigi..." "Oh, Ivan?" "Lovely!" "Great..." "OK, then." "Bye." "Did he tell you not to do the service then?" "Not as such, no." "But he did say if it backfired, I'd have to take the consequences." "I'm sure it will be fine." "Like when you were sure you'd win the Krypton Factor?" "It actually is the worst idea in the history of the world." "I certainly shouldn't be eating this..." "Last time I felt this bad, I ate 562 Crunchies in one night." "That was fine, until I washed them down with that tin of treacle." "OD'd on sugar, woke up in a disgusting position on the sofa." "Oh, God!" "Sorry I'm so gloomy." "Sorry I always say "Oh, God!" when I am gloomy!" "Oh, God!" "Look, if it is a disaster tomorrow, if it's the eccelesiastical equivalent of LaToya Jackson's nose, you will lend me a hand, won't you?" "I like it here..." "Oh, no...!" "What could I have been thinking of?" "I don't even like animals, particularly pets!" "There's always that one last poo that you can smell but can't find." "Until come winter, you put your wellies on...gli-i-ch!" "Right, let's go." "Face the total ignominy of a church empty apart from you, me and one very religious rat." "What are you grinning about?" "You look like Sissy Spacek on ecstasy!" "Unbelievable!" "Morning, Vicar." "Morning." "So....., instead of going to the service, we'll..., sit here and do nothing." "Correct." "Brilliant!" "All though I may drift along at the end to take photos for the bishop." "Bravo!" "Superb plan!" "Oh, look at this one!" "Oh..." "Can I see?" "Look at his little face." "What's his name?" "Satan." "Satan...?" "Right, good..." "Well, I hope he enjoys the sermon." "Rather brave of him to come at all, really." "Although..." "Yes?" "A-actually..." "Actually..." "Well, spit it out, boy." "Actually, I'm not sure it IS such a ripping plan...in fact." "I beg your pardon?" "Well, it seems to me... that sitting here doing, if you'll pardon my French, sod tout is in fact a pretty damn poor idea, in comparison to taking old Bruno up to the church to thank God for the animals," "upon which the economic and social life of our village is based, and thanks to whom the lonely and old people, aren't lonely" "and don't feel old," "Evan though most should have been buried before the war." "And I'm talking about the Boer War here!" "In fact, I suspect it's just being proud and waging a rather childish war against Mrs God." "It's not so much a good plan as the worst plan since Hitler's dad said to his mum," ""Let's go upstairs, Brunhilde." "I'm feeling a little saucy tonight."" "You do what you think is right then." "Right, fair enough." "Classic." "Ladies, gentlemen and others, just before we go inside," "I'd like you all to join me in a prayer." "Dear Lord, who rode into Jerusalem on the back of a faithful donkey, bless all these wonderful creatures here today." "Give them shiny coats and full udders and tasty milk." "And let one of them win the Grand National next year - 200/1." "Amen." "Come on, Bruno!" "Let's go!" "That's a good boy." "In for a penny, in for a pound." "Come on, Patricia, off to church." "You lazy old thing!" "And don't argue!" "Hi..." "Oh, sorry, sorry!" "Now let us start with our first hymn, shall we.." "which is, of course, the classic - All Things Bright And Beautiful." "Please be seated." "....." "Sit!" "Sit!" "...." "Thank you." "At this point it's traditional to pray for the Royal Family." "But today, Dear Lord, we pray for the Royal Family's animals." "For the Queen's corgis, Prinsess Anne's horses, and for anything that gets sat on by the Duchess of York!" "# And they call it puppy lo-ove" "# Oh, I guess they'll never kno-ow" "# How a young heart really fee-eels" "# And why I love you so-o. #" "And the blessing of God Almighty, the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit be among you and remain with you always." "Well, that's all we've got time for." "Thank you for coming, especially you." "Baa-aaa!" "I'd also like to thank most of you for behaving so well." "For not biting each other, and for holding off from going to the loo for a hole hour!" "And thanks to the animals for the same!" "Yes, and the same to you." "Bye." "Bye." "It's wonderful, isn't it?" "It does make one wonder, ....yes." "Right, that's everyone gone..." "I haven't got any more religious jokes, but I suppose I've got a couple of animal ones." "Oh!" "hurrah.." "OK, then," "Why did the lobster blush?" "..Why?" "Because the SEAWEED." "Because the seaweed what?" "Because the SEA-WEED." "..Did what?" "No, no, listen." "The lobster was in the sea, right?" "And the sea-WEED." "WEED!" "Oh-h-h!" "Oh, dear, oh, dear!" "What?" "That is the rudest thing I have EVER heard."