"My god." "That service was endless." "Why doesn't church have half time or at least time-outs?" "Hey, none of us wanted to go to dottie's confirmation, but the Donahues showed up for ours, so we had to go to theirs." "That's just the way it works." "Mom, when was my confirmation?" "Crap on a cracker." "Wait." "Brick didn't get confirmed?" "Brick's going to hell!" "Dad crashes his car right now, Brick goes straight to hell." "Really?" "!" "Is that true?" "!" "Nobody's going to hell." "We're already in hell." "Look, we're just cranky because we're hungry." "Let's stop and pick up a pizza at Dom Raggano's." "Frankie, that place is expensive." "Plus they got all those gross toppings." "Who puts spinach on a pizza?" "It's un-American." "You just don't appreciate it 'cause it's good." "They use real cheese." "Cissy Layton from "Good Morning, Orson" loves it." "Yeah, well, this might be Brick's last meal before he goes to hell." "Axl, it was mom who forgot my confirmation, not me." "God will take that into account." "Dad, just to be safe, could you watch your speed?" "Fine, I won't get any froofy toppings, but I at least want to get pineapple." "Don't start, mom!" "I'm not starting anything." "Look, I really want Dom Raggano's, okay?" "My 50th birthday was two months ago, and I never got a present, so consider this my gift..." "One measly half a pie with pineapple on it." "But there's three of us who don't like pineapple." "It's not exactly fair for you, who's just one person, to get half the pie." "Fine, a quarter pineapple." "One slice of pineapple!" "The pineapple doesn't stay contained." "It always leaks onto the pieces next to it." "Hey, I'm 50 years old." "I shouldn't have to fight to get the pizza I want." "When we said we were gonna float my birthday, did I complain?" "Well, you're kind of complaining now." "You just floated the complaining." "All right, all right, no more ganging up on your mom." "This is obviously some kind of big deal to her, so let's just go there and get it over with." "♪ ♪" "Frankie:" "Where Axl probably used the washing machine at school once," "Sue actually enjoyed doing laundry." "The busted fluorescent light bulb felt familiar, like home." "Nurse those pops 'cause once they're gone, you're having tap water with your pizza." "Mom, dad, what are some things you think I can't do?" "You can't do anything with your hair." "You can't rock tennis shoes." "You can't go to heaven." "Okay, slow down." "I just need one." "What do you mean you just need one?" "We're having an "I can't" ceremony at school." "No." "Is that something we have to go to?" "No, it's an in-school ritual to help kids build a positive attitude." "We're each supposed to write "I can't" on a piece of paper along with something we can't do and then bury it in a hole." "I can't believe they're doing this crap." "You know who's not burying words?" "The Chinese." "I know there's lots of things I can't do." "I can't read two books at once." "I can't put on a winter coat unless I lay it on the floor first." "I can't touch sandpaper without sneezing." "But I'm supposed to find one that affects my life significantly and then actually do it." "I think we're tiptoeing around the elephant in the car here." "I'll just say it." "You can't do sports." "I'll never be able to do sports." "I just want to pick something simple I could bang out quick." "Yeah, or maybe thinking you can't do sports is what's holding you back from doing sports." "Hey, you've already got an athlete." "I don't know why you two are always trying to turn your other two loser kids into me." "You got a winner living right under your roof, and that winner is hungry." "Mom, pass the pizza." "I don't have the pizza." "Your dad had the pizza." "No, I just carried it from the place." "And when I got to the car I put it on the roof!" "Nuts!" "Damn it!" "Mom, I can't believe this!" "Why didn't you tell dad about the pizza?" "It's 'cause of the pineapple thing." "She made him break his routine." "What are you doing?" "Mike:" "Going back for the pizza." "What?" "Hey, it was expensive." "I'm not eating highway pizza." "It might not be on the highway." "It may still be in the parking lot." "Fingers crossed 'cause parking-lot pizza is so much better." "It might still be in the box." "This is insane!" "We are not having this conversation." "What if it's not in the box, but still face-up?" "I'll allow it." "We're not doing this!" "Frankie, you wouldn't throw $24 out the window and not go back for it." "Okay, so this is the family we are now?" "We eat food off the road?" "If we do this, we are losing the one thing that separates us from possums!" "Is this how low we've sunk?" "I feel like we've sunk lower." "Nothing comes to mind, but I know we have." "My god." "This is the worst day ever." "Now mom has to cook us something." "Yeah." ""I can't do algebra."" ""I can't digest dairy."" "I can't live on a high-school coach's salary alone." ""I can't do sports."" "Okay." "It's getting cold out here?" "There we go." "And so we say goodbye to our "I can'ts."" "Now let's go celebrate with cookies and milk." "Boy:" "All right!" "I know." "You don't have to have it." "Heck, I've been watching you, and I'm sorry to say it's gonna take a lot more than this airy-fairy ceremony to turn you into an athlete." "But it's your lucky day." "Your "I can't" falls right into my "I can" area." "So, what do you say?" "You gonna let ol' tink make a jock out of you?" "Others have tried." "Take your best shot." "I will." "There's nothing tink can't win..." "Unless it's her father's approval, which... that's a story for another day." "Guys, we got to talk." " I was studying." " It was broken when I found it." "Relax, nobody's in any trouble." "I was just thinking, your mom turned 50, and we didn't do squat." "We just floated it, like we do everything else, and I'm feeling kind of crappy about it." "So I'm thinking we can't let parking-lot pizza be her birthday present." "I want to do something big for her." "Like take her to France?" "Not that big." "Take her to Arby's?" "Somewhere between France and Arby's." "That's our target." "I was thinking maybe a surprise party." "But how would it be a surprise if she's planning it?" "Don't be dumb." "Obviously, she's not planning her own surprise party." "Sue will do it." "Yeah, I'm not gonna tell Sue." "I like where your head's at, but I think mom may want her there." "No, I just mean we hold off telling Sue until closer to the day." "She's not great at keeping surprises." "Besides, we can handle this." "But I've got too much on my plate already." "I carved out 15 minutes of study time on a Tuesday!" "That's how busy I am." "You'll make the time." "I'm gonna call and invite over a bunch of her friends." "No!" "I can't do small talk!" " I should have put that." " Yeah." "Come on, guys." "I want to do this." "We got some extra money from the diapers, so let's do something nice for her." "You know, we really got our asses handed to us for mother's day." "So if we can pull this off, she'd never see it coming." "Wait, so, all we have to do is be better than mother's day?" "Which one are we talking about?" "Yellow pants, expired gift card, or loose change in a baggie?" "Somehow, we got to top all of those." "We're gonna give her hugs." "We're gonna have a six-foot sub, some boxes of the good wine." "I'm gonna fix the light on the front porch." "Should we get, like, decorations or something?" "Now you're talking." "What kind?" "A balloon." "You can't get just one balloon." "It's her 50th." "Got to get at least two." "And we can get streamers." "Nah, I don't want to deal with paper." "What if we got a banner with old people jokes, like, um, "you're over the hill,"" "or, "halfway to the grave"?" "No." "While that might be true, we're trying to be nice." "I'll just pick up some stuff from the party store." "And, Axl, you're in charge of ordering the sub." "Okay." "What do we get on it?" "♪ ♪" "What's so funny?" "Some noob put up a sign for a lost sock." "What?" "!" "That is so lame." "Did they find it?" "All right, here's all your ball sports." "Okay, go ahead, pick them up, test them out." "See which one you spark to." "That's a ball, Heck." "You're not looking for a ripe melon." "Look, we only have 45 minutes of study hall left." "I like this one." "That's a ball pump." "I like the way it feels on my face." "♪ ♪" "Dad?" "Is everything okay?" "Why are you calling me?" "You never call me." "What?" "I call you." "Hey, listen, I was thinking you might want to come home this weekend." "Just tell me who died." "I can handle it." "No, I can't!" "My god, I loved them so much!" "Who was it?" "!" "Everyone's fine." "Look, here's the deal." "I decided that we floated your mom's 50th birthday long enough, so we're throwing her a little surprise party tomorrow." "We are?" "That's so exciting!" "Who's coming?" "Can we have a theme?" "She likes the ocean." "Wait, how are we gonna plan a whole party in one day?" "Well, your brothers and I have been working on it for a while." "We didn't tell you 'cause we were worried you might blow the surprise." "What?" "!" "Why would you think that?" "Damn pocket knife's broke." "I need a new one." "Happy birthday." "Sorry." "Well, if this is for mom, I am so there." "This is gonna be so much fun!" "Wait, dad, mom's on the other line." "Don't pocket-knife this, Sue." "I won't." "I won't." "I got it." "Hang on." "Hey, mom!" "What up..." "Mom?" "Hi, honey." "What you doing?" "Nothing." "Nothing." "Not doing anything." "Not planning anything, that's for sure." "Good, 'cause I miss my Sue." "I was hoping maybe you could come home this weekend." "Uhhhh, this weekend?" "Um, I-i... no, I can't." "I have so much to do." "I-I-I'm not going anywhere." "I'm just gonna stay in my room the whole time studying." "I'm probably not even gonna sleep." "Pfft!" "But I thought you said you weren't doing anything." "I wasn't when you called, but I'm about to be." "Yeah." "I have two huge tests, probably some pop quizzes, a lab, a couple seminars." "Oops." "I have a non-family member on the other line." "Please hold." "Mom wants me to come home for the weekend." "Well, tell her you'll come home." "Just don't mention the party." "I can't!" "That's not the story I constructed." "I am so bad at this." "You're getting a fleece blanket for father's day!" "Sue, don't worry about it." "It'll be an even bigger surprise when she sees you're there." "Just leave it that you're not coming home." "So I should tell her I'm not coming home?" "You already did that." "Just wrap it up and be done." "Okay." "Mom?" "Yeah?" "Sue?" "Hello?" "Now, when you conquer a sport, there's no better feeling in the world 'cause you don't do it for some trophy." "You do it for a feeling of satisfaction that you get right in here." "Okay, now, Heck." "And catch!" "Okay, now, this is for an orange slice." "This one's for any book you want." "I will give you my Subaru when you turn 16!" "All right, forget balls." "Personally, I think fencing belongs in the drama department, but we're reaching here." "Heck?" "Hey, pay attention." "A jedi master, I am!" "There's nothing wrong with what we're doing here." "We're just replacing "I can't do sports,"" "with "I can't do small talk,"" "just as I will be replacing this memory with a Cadillac Margarita at chi chi's." "Keep looking." " Is that one it?" " No." "Really?" "Two balloons?" "That's it?" "This is why you need a girl involved earlier." "Sure, it's easy to come in here and judge, but I put a lot of work into this party." "I had to order the sub." "I had to pick it up." "I had to set up the table." "The legs are attached." "There's not even a tablecloth." "That was a choice." "Less is more." "Plus, check this out." "You're giving mom a buttronauts card?" "Notice how the butts are saggy?" "That's 'cause she's turning 50, see?" "I put a lot of thought into this." "I didn't just show up last minute and slam everything." "You know, I always thought I couldn't do small talk, but now I'm gonna try." "My mother's 50th birthday brings up thoughts of the fleeting nature of time and my own ultimate demise." "But look who I'm talking to." "You're even older than my mom." "This must be on your mind all the time." "♪ ♪" "Hey, hey, hey, hey." "What are you doing?" "I sprung for a six-foot sub." "I want Frankie to see the whole thing." "Relax." "She'll never even notice." "Once I took a chunk out of a wedding cake, nobody noticed." "Went underneath." "Yeah, just hold your horses." "Maybe I can help you bring out some of the sides." "What sides?" "Does anybody ever really eat the sides?" "Well, yeah, they do." "So, just the sub, then?" "It's a six-footer." "What do you have in your pantry?" "If you've got cheese, cream of mushroom soup, and elbow macaroni, I can do anything." "Okay, what's the plan, Mike?" "Where's the birthday girl?" "She must be getting close." "I'm not sure." "She's probably at the frugal hoosier." "She said she might run some errands." "Wait, you... what?" "You don't know where she is?" "She's usually home by 5:00." "Usually?" "!" "That's her." "Quiet, everyone." "Birthday girl on the phone." "Hey, baby." "Frankie:" "Mike, Sue's missing." "What?" "Where... where are you?" "I'm in her dorm room, and she's not here." "And... and there's some weird socks on the wall." "What are you doing up in Gumford?" "Man." "Gumford?" "Frankie:" "Well, since Sue was under such pressure," "I thought I'd bring her some hot chocolate and cookies to make her feel better, but now she's not here and her R.A. doesn't know where she is and she's not picking up her phone." "She's missing." "Well." "Just come home." "Mike, our daughter is missing." "Um, you know what?" "Why don't you try Sue on her phone one more time?" "Okay, but if I don't get her, I'm calling campus police." "What?" "She's only 42 minutes away." "Don't you know how surprise parties work?" "Yeah, Mike, you got to have an accomplice take the guest of honor somewhere to make sure she comes back at a designated time." "Everybody knows that." "She said she was going grocery shopping." "We don't go to that many places." "I-I thought I was covered." "Hey, mom!" "Thank god, Sue." "Where are you?" "Where am I?" "Where am I?" "Bu-u-u-u-u-u-h..." "Uhhhhh..." "I'm at the library!" "Okay." "Well, I've got a surprise for you." "I'm actually in Gumford." "I'm in your room right now." "I bought you some cookies and hot chocolate." "Thank you, mom!" "Well, just leave them in my room and go home." "Sue, I didn't drive all the way up here in the snow to not see you." "Well, I got a lot of studying to do." "I'm probably gonna be here for hours." "You're not gonna see me." "Thanks." "Bye." "I think that went pretty well." "Sue, why didn't you say at the last minute you came home, and she should come home, too?" "Well, somebody should have signed that!" "All right, look, I'm not gonna make it, okay?" "I haven't eaten since breakfast, and all I had was a Luna bar and three grapes." "♪ ♪" "It's okay." "I found Sue." "She's holed up in the library, so I guess I'm just gonna head home." "But, hey, there's hot chocolate and cookies here if anybody wants them." "Yeah, you're not going anywhere." "Big snowstorm." "Route 64 is a mess." "You'll have to stay the night." "What?" "I can't give you any linens." "We're not allowed to supply them." "It's a whole bedbug thing." "Okay, relax." "It's not the end of the world here." "I'll get her home." "Bill, I don't want to have to say it again." "Hey, Frankie, so, you on your way home?" "You're not gonna believe this." "I'm snowed in." "What?" "!" "No!" "It's not that bad here." "Maybe you should just go for it." "Just go for it?" "Thanks for looking out for my safety, Mike." "By the way, I found Sue, if you care." "She was at the library." "So I guess I'm just gonna settle in here." "You know, I have to let her know I'm staying the night." "I'll call you back." "She's snowed in." "But it's okay." "It's gonna be fine." "All we need's a snowplow." "Does anyone here have a plow or any snow-removing vehicle?" "Gee, Mike, sorry," "I forgot to bring my dump truck full of road salt!" "I'm sorry." "I'm lashing out." "I am so hungry!" "Can't we just dig in to this sub?" "It's what Frankie would have wanted." "She's not dead, Bill." "She's just in Gumford." "My god." "It's mom." "What should I do?" "All:" "Answer it!" "Hi, mom!" "Frankie:" "Hey, honey." "Guess what." "I'm stuck here in Gumford because of the blizzard, so I'll be spending the night." "So maybe when you come back from studying, we can watch a movie or something." "I'm not even in Gumford." "I'm at home." "What?" "!" "Then why did you tell me you were at the library?" "Duuuuuh..." "Wait." "Why is your dad video-chatting me?" "Mike, Sue says she's at home." "Hang on." "I got something to show you." "All:" "Surprise!" "Wait, what is this?" "This is your surprise floating 50th birthday party." "I don't know." "I was trying to do something nice for you." "My god." "Are you kidding me?" "!" "You never do anything nice for me!" "It's always road pizzas and floated birthdays and mini license plates that say "frannie"" "'cause they didn't have a "Frankie."" "And now you go all out and throw me this party and I'm not even there to enjoy it!" "Yeah, it turns out putting someone in charge of the guest of honor is kind of a crucial part of a surprise party." "Mom, actually, you are here." "Look at Sue's laptop." "All:" "Happy birthday!" "Aw, thanks!" "Aw, let me see everyone." "Axl:" "Okay, but check this out, mom." "The most important part... the sandwich, which I took care of." "It's, Turkey... your favorite?" "It is." "It looks delicious." "What did you get for sides?" "Look at the decoration!" "Nice!" "Show me the others." "Frankie, happy 50th!" " Hi, Frankie!" " Happy birthday!" " Now?" " Go ahead." "Yeah!" "Thanks for coming, guys!" "Mrs. Heck?" "Sue just texted and said it's your birthday." "Mom, that's my friend Lexie." "Um, I got these out of a vending machine." "I can't light the candle in the room, though." "It's dorm rules." "I can see why you and Sue are friends." "Happy birthday." "Okay, mom, check this out." "Axl, come on." "You fixed the porch light!" "I love it!" "Happy birthday, Frankie." "I love you." "Hey, everybody can hear." "Nancy:" "Hey, gang, time for cake!" "How does she do that?" "You had a ton of frosting, so I just frosted a phone book." "Nobody eat it." "♪ Happy birthday to you ♪" "♪ Happy birthday to you ♪" " ♪ Happy birthday, dear Frankie ♪ - ♪ Happy birthday, dear mom ♪" "♪ Happy birthday to you ♪" "Frankie:" "It really was one of my top five birthdays, which is ironic since I wasn't even there." "But, you know, family is often best appreciated at a distance." "Ooh, maybe I'll come here for mother's day."