"Subtitles by demonseye" "Hey, look!" "It's the President!" "And the Pope!" "Oh, my God!" "Look!" "It's disgruntled postal workers." "Wait a minute!" "Give me my baby back!" "Frank!" " Frank." "Are you all right?" " I'm soaking wet." " I'll get the talcum powder." " No, no, it's not that." "I had a nightmare." "It was crime all around me, I couldn't stop it." " Frank, it was just a dream." " You're right." "All I need is a good night's rest." "In the morning everything will be just fine." "How's my little boy?" "Gettin' along okay, sweetie?" "Heh, about as well as a heterosexual can in prison." "I don't know how much longer I can take it in here." " Ma, how's Tanya?" " Tanya's the same." "Milky, creamy skin, pouting red lips, firm buttocks, ample breasts, ears you'd just love to stick your tongue into..." "Ma, please, I'm gonna get guy cramps if you keep this up." "Sorry." "Rocco, there's somebody here to see you." "Pahpshmir!" "My people are very upset." "They're always upset, they're Arab terrorists." "Ma, please." "You're supposed to be the foremost terrorist bomber in the world." "Train stations, department stores, government buildings...." "The devastation in South Florida?" " That was Hurricane Andrew." " That's what they told the public." "No matter." "We wanted to embarrass the United States and now you've made the police look like international heroes." "I told you." "A first-class job would cost five million." "Now, if you wanna step up to the price," "I got a target that'll make City Hall look like chicken feed." "That's a pretty big target." "But why should I think anything would be different?" "It's five million dollars buys me!" "I'm breakin' outta here." "All right." "But fail this time, Mr. Dillon, and my people won't be so forgiving." "Fail?" "Show me one man who can stop me." "Attention, shoppers, be sure to check out our special on paper towels on aisle seven." "That's aisle seven." "Hey!" "Help!" " Give it to me!" " My purse!" "Somebody help me!" " Let go of the purse, lady!" " Help me!" "For he's a jolly good fellow, for he's a jolly good fellow... which nobody can deny." "Well, ugh, we shot a lot of people together." "It's been great." "But today I retire." "So, if I do any shooting now, it'll have to be within the compounds of my own home." "Hopefully, it'll be an intruder and... not an in-law like at my bachelor party." "Well..." "Ed, I officially give you my gun..." " and... my... my badge." " Ohh..." "And, uh, uh, Jane and I would like to keep the handcuffs as a souvenir." "Cheer up, Ed." "This is not goodbye." "This is just "I won't ever see you again"." " My God!" "Somebody help me!" " Out of my way!" " Lt. Drebin!" "Frank!" "Didn't you see that?" " What?" "Oh, uh..." "Yes, kitty litter." "Two bags for a dollar." "Great!" "Order in this court." "The jury will disregard that last statement." "You may continue, counselor." "The alimony had been set by the court." "Isn't that right, Mr. Clayton?" "Yes, but..." "But not once have you paid the alimony to my client in the past two years, repeatedly defying a court order." "Isn't that right, Mr. Clayton?" "I'd lost her address." "She moved twice." "I couldn't keep up." "Don't lie to me, Mr. Clayton." "You're under oath." "Do you know what the penalty for perjury is?" " I'll ask you that again." " Objection!" "Your Honor, I..." "Ow, ow, gee." " Counsel is leading the witness." " Sustained!" "Sweetie, mommy said no pounding when she's in session." "Please read the prosecution's last statement to the court." ""Don't lie to me, Mr. Clayton." "You're under oath." There, atta boy." ""Do you know what the penalty for perjury is?"" "That's all I have, your Honor." "You may continue, Ms. Spencer-Drebin." "Uhh, prosecution rests." "Defense Attorney Ms. Davies-Jacobs-Steiner-Lazlo." "I have no further questions, your Honor." "Court will recess until after the morning feeding." " We can win this." "I can feel it." " Yes, of... of course." " I married the wrong man." " I never thought that was possible." " I beg your pardon?" " Oh, nothing." "Louise, there's no such thing as the wrong man." "You just have to work at it." "Now, let's see." "Mr. and Mrs. Drebin, right?" "Now, you two've been married for six months?" "Yes." "We really appreciate you seeing us, doctor." "You came higly recommended by our last therapist." "Yes, I was sorry to hear about his suicide." "You know, I feel it's important for a couple to get off on the right foot, and not get caught up in blame." " Now, which one of you is... impotent?" " That would be him." "Uh, yes, course." " Why don't you ask who's frigid?" " That would be him also." "Oh?" "How would you know?" "You're never home." "He resents the fact that I'm a working woman." "In fact, he has no idea what a woman wants or needs." " You're so insensitive." " This isn't that toilet seat thing again, is it?" "It's babies, Frank." "I wanna have a baby." "And every time we start to make love, you have a headache." "I'm not a piece of meat, Jane." "I'm trying!" "I got ointments, lotions, creams, books, things that vibrate..." " Frank!" " Well, maybe it's your fault." "Have you tried sexy lingerie?" "Some lacy underwear?" "A black teddy?" "I've tried wearing them all." "They don't work." "Oh!" "Frank, why don't you wanna have a child?" "Didn't I try to adopt that 18-year old Korean girl?" "Jane, Frank, here's what I suggest." "Make tonight a special night." "Dinner, wine, romantic music." "Put on the 24-hour Johnny Mathis station." "Just be Jane and Frank..." "Lovers!" "We haven't had a night like that in... in a long time." " Not together." " Frank!" "Jane, having a baby is a big responsibility." "It's like being in charge of sanitation at a Haitian jail." "I'm just frightened." "Frank..." "Let's make tonight something special." "Oh, honey, it's... just that I love you so much." "My little lover sparrow." "My... puppy wuppy wuvver." "My little love biscuit." " My little snookie wookums." " My little lady cheesy puffy." "Mr. and Mrs. Drebin, please, I'm a diabetic." "I think you two ought to go now." " I never thought we'd end this way." " How did you think we'd end?" "I don't know." "Some other way." "Oh, Jason, please..." "Bobbi..." " I've been hurt before." " We have to fight this thing together." "Ed, Nordberg!" "It's been a long time!" " Hiya, Frank." " Good to see you, buddy." "You look terrific." "Thank you, Ed." "I'm taking a step class, and a little woman got me a thigh master for Christmas." "But, look at me!" "Where are my manners?" "Come on in!" "Come in!" " How charming!" " Hey, sit, sit." "Sit." "Excuse the mess." "It's my ironing day." "I've just frosted some cupcakes." " Would you care for one?" " Uh, not just now." "Uh, Frank, we're having a little problem with a terrorist threat." " Police Squad is certain that..." " I'd love a cupcake." " And that coffee smells great." " I grind my own beans." "Hey, Frank, the reason we're here is that we need your help with something." " They're just great!" " I hoped you'd like them." "Made them from scratch." "I'll just get up my feet for a second." "Uh, Frank, we may have a lead on a suspect in the City Hall bombing attempt." "Have a look." "These pictures were taken by a news photographer." " We think that girl was used as a diversion." " We had them enlarged." " They look familiar." " No, no, Frank, the pin." "She's a nurse." "Oh, right, yeah." "Can I keep this one?" "We traced her to the Karlson Clinic on Myrtlewood." "Her name is Tanya Peters." "Tanya Peters?" " You know 'er?" " Don't you remember back in the 1970s?" "The big disco shoot out." "Hey, Ed." "What's happening, my man?" "Frank." "We missed you last night at the fondue party." "Yeah, couldn't make it." "Went to see the Village People." "They are stone-sold gas, man." " Far out, I can dig it!" " And what do we got here?" "One dead disco dancer." " Bummer!" "What a mind bender, uh?" " We think it was some sort of love triangle." "This is the suspect's girlfriend, Tanya Peters." "I'll be right back." " Cigarette?" " Yes, I know." "Well, we'll need a statement from you down at the station." " Nordberg!" " Coming, lieutenant!" "I do remember!" "You were one of the first test cases for monoxidol, weren't you?" " What?" " Well, I'm glad I could be of help." "If you don't mind, now I got a rump of lamb to put in the oven." " Frank, we need to ask you a favor." " Not that big a rump roast, Nordberg." "Uh-ha-ha, it's not that, Frank." "We need you to go undercover at the clinic today." "Hey, whoa, wait a minute." "I've given up police work, Ed." "No, you're whistling up the wrong neck of the woods." "I wouldn't ask, but we're in a bind, Frank." "Oh, what about those two new guys, Hedges and O'Malley?" "They're in Hawaii." "Together." "Oh, I-I can't." "Jane and I have a special evening planned." "Frank, it'll only take a couple of hours." "You'll be home in plenty of time to make dinner." "I don't know." "I'll have to make pork chops." "Frank, think of all the crime out there." "Nobody is safe." "You'd be protecting Jane." "You'd be protecting all the Janes of the world." "Besides, you haven't shot anybody in 6 months." "That's true." "Funny how you miss the little things." "Might be good to feel that cold hard steel pressed against my thigh once again." "The thrill of a chase..." "To be a man!" "After folding the laundry, I set out for the Karlson clinic." "In any police operation it's important to have a foolproof disguise." "And this operation was no different." "I had no idea if Tanya would still recognize me, so I slipped on a fake pair of glasses." "Combed my hair a little differently, just in case." "The plan was to get in, get in the information I could about Tanya's connection with the bombing, and get out as quickly as possible." "I figured faking an old football injury would do the trick." " Can I help you?" " Ah, yes." "I'd like to see a doctor, please." "Sign in here, please." "Do you have an appointment, Mr... uh?" "Uh, Smith." "No, I don't." " Then take a number." " Uhh... six." " What?" " Is six taken?" "Does it have to be between one and ten?" " You'll be called." " Thank you." "Uh, Mr. Smith?" "Sir, we just had a cancellation." "We can take you now." "Dr. Kohlzak?" "Good morning, Mr. Smith." "Right this way." "I really appreciate you seeing me like this, uh..." "I'm sure it won't take too long." " When did you first notice the problem?" " Uh, in the back yard, with my uncle." "In the back yard?" "With your uncle?" "Uh, yes, when he, uh, comes over to visit... we like to go out in the back yard and throw it around for a while." "And what did you and your uncle find out?" "Oh, I can't keep up with him." "Mine hurt, especially on the long ones." "I-I can't seem to straighten it out." "It has no feeling." "It-it's kind of numb." "I may have yanked it too much, maybe." " If you would..." " For what, uh...?" " A sperm count?" " In here?" "Well, it's not exactly the back yard, but it'll do." "Uhh... well..." "Follow me, and we'll do the necessary paperwork." "Sign these at the bottom, and leave them with the nurse on your way out." " This way, please." " What?" " Number 17." " Oh, no." "A problem?" " Uh, no, no." " This is 17." "You're next." " Have we met before?" " I-if you'll excuse me, I-I'm next." "Sir..." "Mr. Smith, how are we doing?" "I've been busy, if that's what you mean." "Would you like a video tape to assist you?" "Oh, do you have "Dances With Wolves"?" ""Rocketeer"? "Lady And The Tramp"?" " An adult movie." " Well..." " The tape was very entertaining." " Follow me." "Do you have "Spartacus"?" "Maintenance, clean up Room 7." "Maintenance, clean up Room 7." "Stat." " What are you doing?" " Just, uh, freshening up." "You should always look your best, even when you're by yourself." "You know what I mean?" "Are you sure we've never met?" "Oh, here's my cup." "Back to work." " Uh, Mr. Smith, are you okay in there?" " I could use a little help." "Dr. Rosenblatt, foreplay in Room 7, please." "Dr. Rosenblatt..." "Honey, I've been waiting all day." "I'm wearing the nightgown you bought me for our honeymoon." "Tonight's gonna be a special night." "I'm gonna make love to you for hours and hours..." "Wouldn't Mr. Happy like that?" "Hours?" "Just like we did the first time we were together." "Jane, why don't I get ready and..." "soak in the tub for a couple o' days?" "Possibly a week." "Oh, you're so cute!" "Let me go get the oysters and clams." "Here." "I'll shave your back..." "like last time." "Say, Jane, I really don't think we should." "I..." " Frank, what's this?" "!" " I-I fell... on a rake." "You're lying." "Now I know why Ed's been calling every half hour." "You've been back on the case, haven't you?" "No, no." "I swear." "It's another woman." "In your wildest dreams!" "It's bad enough that you wouldn't have a baby." "But I warned you what would happen if you were back to Police Squad." "You... you white Anglo male!" "Jane..." "Jane, it was nothing, Jane." "I was only doing Ed a small favor." "Some retirement!" "I'm leaving, Frank." "But I never thought you'd go back on your word." " A-aren't you being a little hasty?" " I don't think so." "That should be the cab." "If you need me, you can reach me at Louise's." "Oh, Frank, how could you?" "We need some time apart to think about us." "Well, I'm not gonna think." "Why should I start now?" "I love you." "Look, baby, I am what I am, and I do what I do." "A few guys make shoelaces, some lay sod, others make a very good living neutering animals." " I'm a cop." " Pretty speech, Frank." "But my mind is made up." "I'm leaving!" "All right." "Then take this with you." "Guess you know how my lips feel about things." "Goodbye, Frank." "You're listening to KSAD." "All depressing, all the time." "And now here's a dedication to Frank from Jane who just called from a taxi." "And it reads: "Frank, you lying weasel wheenie." "It's bad enough you're shooting blanks, now you're leaving the door wide open, letting all the heat out." "What, you're born in a barn, you stupid...?" "He promised me he would never go back to his more police work." "Once a cop, always a cop." "He's married to his work, not me." "That's the way it is." "Cause the mule's always coming second." "There was this great article in Cosmo this month," ""Why All Men Are Pigs"." "You should read it!" "Frank's just another word for "loser"." "As far as I'm concernd, I never wanna see him again." "I wanna get as far away from this town as possible." "We're headed to my friend's cabin." "Down by the smelting plant." "Fresh air will do you good." "Jane, go easy!" "That's your second bottle of Chanel." "Louise!" "You're witnessing the beginning of a new Jane Spencer-Drebin." "No more little Miss Perky who devoted her life to one man." "I'm out for the new me." "Let's burn rubber!" " You didn't forget anything, did you?" " I hope not." "Just calm down, ma'am." "How many bodies did you find in your swimming pool?" "No, sir." "In this state killing a gang member's only an 18-dollar fine." "Just mail with it." " Frank!" "Glad you could make it." " Welcome, buddy." "Nordberg, Ed." "Did you happen to find Tanya's address, Frank?" "Ed, I wrote it down on a hanky, and I can't remember what I did with it." " I guess I'm getting a bit rusty." " Ah, that's all right." "That could happen to anybody." "Anyway, I brought you some of "Frank's Never Fail Fudge"." " Hey, go on." "Go on about your business." " Smells great." " Don't mind me, I'll stay out of your hair." " It'll be just like..." "Uh, Frank, let me take that." "We've got a little surprise for you." "It's in honor of your 30 years on the force." "Nordberg!" "Oh, boy." "This is really great." "Thank you, guys." "We thought it might cheer you up." "We heard about you and Jane." "Jane, Jane..." "That name will always remind me of her." "Frank, I feel really bad about all of this." "If there's anything that you need..." " Like dr." "Kevorkian's home phone number." " Nordberg, put it together!" "Frank, I want you to know we're here for you." "Thanks, Ed." "Well, look who's here." "Hi, Frank." "Nice to see you." "Ted." " Ed, I've got that data for you on the bomb." " Good." "What did you find out?" "Well, the explosive itself is a very fine powder." "It tastes like..." "That would be fertilizer, Frank." "It's for another case." "This is what I'm talking about." "We detected a high quantity of nitroglycerine." "Can you tell us where it came from?" "I'd be glad to." "Billions of years ago, the earth was a molten mass..." " Ted, I'm talking about the powder." " Oh, we haven't got a clue about that, Ed." "Hey, let me take that urine specimen from you, Frank." "However, we found a detailed list of the bomber's plans at the scene." " On a hunch, we analyzed the paper." " And you go something?" "Yes." "The paper came from Statesville Prison." " Are you sure?" " Positive." "We analyzed the wood fibres in the paper and found them to be from the rare Canary Island pine." "Which grows only in Oregon." "Contacting several paper mills in that area led us to a distribution center in Tacoma." "But unfortunately, that's where the trail ended." "And how did you trace it to the Statesville Prison?" "Right here, on the letterhead, Frank." "After comparing handwriting in samples with every known bomber currently serving a sentence in Statesville, we came up with a suspect, Rocco Dillon." "He must be masterminding the bombings from inside the prison." "If that's true, there's only one way to find out where Rocco's gonna strike next." "We're gonna have to send someone into Statesville Prison." "I'll do it." "Frank, I couldn't..." "I wouldn't feel right about that." "If Rocco finds out you're a cop, you might end up dead." ""You might end up dead" is my middle name." " What about Jane?" " I don't know her middle name." "But, Ed, I need the action." "I'm going inside the big house." "Frank, Ed, I think you might wanna see this." "We're testing a prototype for a new anti-carjacking device." "I think you'll get a chance to see how it works." " Get out!" " No." "Don't make me use..." "We call it "The Denver Jockstrap"." "After being retired for six months, I was finally back in action." "Faster than you can say "Spread 'em!"," "I was inside the cold grey walls of Statesville Prison." "I was surrounded by pimps, rapists and murderers." "It was like being in the stands of a Los Angeles Raiders' game." "It was gonna take all my police experience just to stay alive in here." "After a long and generous cavity search, I finally reached my destination:" "Maximum security, home of some of the most violent sociopaths in the country." "And the worst of them all, Rocco Dillon." "All right, in here." "Ain't no prison yet could hold me." "Attica!" "Attica!" "Power to the brothers." "Kill whitey!" "Kill whitey!" "Knock it off!" "You're chirping out real loud for a new canary." "Keep flashing those big eyes, and I'll personally balance and rotate your jaw." "Hey!" "You know who you're talking to?" "The man is Rocco Dillon." " Where's your prison number?" " It's unlisted." "Just call me Nick "The Slasher" Magirk." "Look, ham head." "I'm the muscle on this pen." "You just stay out of my way." "Just watch your step, Magirk." "Take it from me, this place here changes a man." " Oh, yeah, in what way?" " I used to be white." "I was the drummer for the Osmonds." "Screw with me... he'll make you feel pain like you never felt before." "I know, I remember the Osmonds." " Better hit the rack, Magirk." " In a minute." "First, I wanna make a list of the people I'm gonna kill in the next couple o' days." "Lights out!" "Lock down in two minutes!" "My dearest snookie wookums dumpling buns," "I miss you so much." "I haven't felt this bad since... since the last time I was dumped." "I remember it well." "Her name was Gabriella." "We were supposed to be married, but on the day of our wedding, she never showed up." "I was heartbroken, destroyed." "I figured she'd fallen for another man." "Someone who could do to her what I never could." "I thought my life was over until that one glorious day." "That was the day you became my wife." "All our friends gathered to celebrate our love." "It seems like only yesterday." "We were all so overjoyed." "I remember how we wished that we could take everyone with us." "That was the happiest day of my life." "I'll never forget the plans we made for our future." "Things were gonna be so perfect." "We were finally going to get that housekeeper you always wanted." "Hi, Mr. D. Hi, Mrs. D." "And I knew that eventually our dream would come true." "One day we'd have our own little Frank Drebin Jr." "Shut up, Magirk." "I'm tryin' to get some sleep." "Nah, it's no use." "She'll never come back." "Bend over and pick it up for me... would you, lover?" "No problem." "Rocco could tell from my little escapade in the shower that I was well endowed with courage." "Now, I had to get on the inside." "Like a blind man at an orgy, I was gonna have to feel things out." "Tyrone!" "Got the escape plans right here." "Just you and me." " Burnett wants in, too." " Burnett's one of the guards!" " I know, but he's unhappy here." " All right, all right, whatever." "I got it all worked out right here." "What's this?" "Another letter from your mommy?" " Hey, that's private, screw." " Well, let's see what we have here." "Why don't you give the man back his letter?" "Buzz off, butter cheeks!" "What's so special about a little letter?" "Wait a minute..." "An escape plan!" "This is your ticket to another 20 years, Dillon." "If the warden gets one look at..." "Hey!" "You call this slop?" "Real slop has got chunks of things in it." "This is more like gruel!" "And this Chateau LeBlanc '68 is supposed to be served slightly chilled." "This is room temperature." " What do you think we are?" "Animals?" " No!" "What are we?" "Homo sapiens?" "You're right!" "We are men!" "We are men!" "We are men!" "We are men!" "No, no." "Stop!" "Right hand red, left hand blue." "Who's got a hand in my pocket?" "Come on, son." "You can do it." "Eat some beans." "You saved my bacon, Magirk." "I'd be in solitary by now if you hadn't done that." "Forget it." "Listen." "I've been watching you, Magirk." "You handle yourself really good." " Really well." " Yeah, whatever." "Look." "I got somethin' big coming up on the outside." "Somethin' really big." "I could use someone like you in my gang." " You got a dental plan?" " Full coverage." "What's the caper?" "Now, first we gotta bust out of this playpen." "Thanks to you, we still have an escape plan." "Let's have it." " It's a good plan." " I've had better." "Listen." "I've got a foolproof plan." "Oh, my God, they got Tyrone." "Can't... can't we all just get along?" "Now that Tyrone was in solitary, it was just me and Rocco." "He had no choice but to trust me." "Shh!" "Hold on!" "Anyway, I convinced Rocco to dig a tunnel." "It was either that or the laundry truck." "But the thought of lying in a pile of underwear, nose down and skid marks just didn't leave a good taste in my mouth." "Disposing of the dirt was a problem I solved early in the construction." "Outside of some major chafing, we were making good progress." "We kept digging, and night dummies gave the guards the impression we were still in our cell." "Lights out, Magirk." "There was more dirt than I anticipated." "Disposing of it was becoming a tricky business." "Safe!" "Where you going?" "You're not thinking of Frank again, are you?" " They are playing our song." " I understand." "Take your time." " Hello, there." " Excuse me." "I'm hauling a load of rice cakes down to Big D." " What do you say to coming' with me?" " No, thank you." " Well, then, how about a kiss?" " No!" "I know when a woman says "no", she really means "yes"." "Now, how 'bout that kiss?" " Yes." " What do you mean "no"?" "I know your type." "Come on, baby, we're two of a kind." "Oh, my God, you killed him!" "That was an accident." "We have to call the police." "Jane, come to your senses." "You killed a man." "You're a hero to every woman in this country!" "Frank." "We have to call Frank." "He'll protect us." "Frank is a man." "He'll see you locked away for the rest of your life." "Jane, I wanna join you." "Help you kill as many men as possible." "Louise." "Do what you have to do." "I'm calling Frank." "Be home, Frank, please." "Answer the phone, snuggle pants." "Frank!" " Hi, this is Frank." " And Jane." "We're the Drebins." "We're not home right now, so leave a message." " Oh, which button do I press?" " Oh, no, not that one." "Tanya?" "It was another woman." "Frank was telling the truth." "Honeymoon Bay Road." "I bet they're all alone there right now." "Oh, Frank!" "Cell inspection!" "There's been a rumor of a possible break-out." "If we suspect anyone of attempting to escape, they will be punished severely." "Once word of the escape was out, we had to move quickly, so we headed for the tunnel." "The last few feet had to be dug on the run." "We were sure that another 47 yards would take us beyond the prison walls." "May he rest in peace in the arms of our loving..." "Jesus Christ!" "Amen." "Rocco had arranged for a getaway car to meet us at our destination." "After making a slight adjustment in our direction, we finally arrived at the rendezvous point... a Los Angeles city high school." "Hey, that was close." "Hey, Rocco, who's the old hag?" " She take one in the face?" " She's my mother!" "Oh!" "Mrs. Dillon, your son is a ruthless, sadistic, cold-blooded animal." " You must be very proud of 'im." " I am." "Ma, I want you to meet a real square egg, Nick "The Slasher" Magirk." "There is fresh clothes in the back." "Rocco's mom was quiet." "I had a feeling she didn't care for me coming along." "Like a midget at a urinal, I was gonna have to stay on my toes." "Hey!" "Stop!" "Oh, Frank!" "That wasn't my fault." "That cow shouldn't have been standin' in the middle of the road anyway." "Hurry up, you're lettin' the flies in!" " Now, what do you think, kid?" " Sweet setup." "No phones..." "Miles from the nearest town..." "Playboy Channel..." "Perfect." "Nice digs, but I'm here for the action." "What are we going after?" "Bank, armored cars, Dodgers' payroll?" "You're gettin' a little bit too nosy, Magirk." "Relax, ma." " She's been itching to try our new gun." " I know the feeling." "It was Tanya." "That bathing suit was never happier." "I had only a second to admire the view." "I had to watch out." "If she made me as a cop, I'd be tonight's meat loaf." "Come here, sexy." "You're all woman." "I can tell just by lookin' at you." "Hey!" "She's referring' to me." "I-I was talking about your mother." "That's no way to be walkin' around." "Get some clothes on." "And what are you doing in my bathing suit?" "Hey, who's the stud?" "Oh, I'd like you to meet the newest member of our gang." "Slasher Magirk..." "meet Tanya Peters." "Wait a minute." "Don't I know you from somewhere?" "I smelled cop on him the minute I saw 'im." "I get that all the time." "The underwear ads." "Played everywhere." "Are you saying you're not a cop?" "Well, yeah." " Well, that's good enough for me." " Me too." " I'm fine." " All right." "Glad that's all cleared up." "Ma, why don't you two kiss and make up?" "Huh?" "Well, all right." "That's more like it." "I had to get a message to Police Squad." "This thing was turning into more than I could handle by myself." "No phone and miles from civilization, my prospects were bleaker than a gerbils in a bath house." "Who's down there?" "Slasher, have you seen my pigeon?" "Pigeon?" "What pigeon?" " What are you doing?" " I'm, uh, just... contemplating my next move." "Your bishop is exposed." "It's these pants." "I usually wear a fuller cut." "You're all man." "I like that in my men." "You're coming on to me big time, sister, you're purring like a kitten with a fresh mouse." " But we got a problem." " You're Jewish?" "No." "You're Rocco's girl." "And in my book that chapter is called "Look, But Don't Touch"." "I could have two lovers." "Kinky." "But I like my sex the way I play basketball, one on one and with as little dribbling as possible." "Ooh, you're tense, Slasher." "Well, I could relax a little more, if I knew what was goin' on tomorrow." "You wouldn't know anything about that, would you?" "All I know is that it's downtown and... big." "That's the way I like it." "What else?" "Just this..." " What are you doing?" " Uh, thank you for the advice." " I'll try that recipe out, Ms. Peters." " How could you?" "Well, you just shove your tongue as far down the throat as you can." "Quiet." "You're not supposed to know me here." "That's a goodbye kiss, sister." " What's all this?" "Who's the skirt?" " Uh, just some dizzy dame." "Her car broke down." "I'll take her to the bus, people." "Hey, look a this, she's married." "What if her husband comes looking for her?" "He probably will." "He must be a great guy." "He breaks promises." "Well, look at you, traipsing all over the country just to spite a big, wonderful guy." " He left me." " More like you left him." " You should talk!" " Well, listen to you." " Listen to you!" " Listen to you!" " Listen to you!" " Listen to you!" " Listen to you!" " Listen to you!" "Jeez, you two, knock it off!" "You'd think you were married or somethin'." " So, what do you wanna do with her?" " Well, one thing is for sure..." " There's no room for her here." " I say we bump her off." "Let's plug her right here." "No." "I've been on a job when things went hooey." "I would have given my eyeteeth for a hostage." "Now, we all know that..." "women make the best hostages." "They are smaller, easy to take along, eat less, smell nice." "Yeah, we got us an insurance policy." "Good thinking, kid." "Now..." "let's get some shut-eye." "Come on, we got a big day ahead of us." "All right." "It's rigged." "Keep your eye on the tower, Slasher." " It's what's gonna happen tonight." " Hey, aren't we awfully far away?" "Uh, enough." "Pay attention." "On the top of that tower is a device that's gonna net us five million bucks." "It's a little thing I've been working on." "We're gonna detonate it later this evening at an event that the whole world will be watchin'." " Your crowning achievement." " It's for both of us, ma." " All set?" " Set." "Very impressive." "Cool." "Cool." "Yes, America will be brought to its knees by this ultimate terrorist act." "That's right, this will be more embarrassing to the United States than Tonya Harding." "We're almost there." "I don't wanna miss this." "Give my regards to Mrs. Gaddafi." "Oh, and tell her thanks for the cookies." "It's another beautiful night in Los Angeles, and the stars are shining bright for the 66th annual Academy Awards." "Thousands of fans are clamoring to get a glimpse of their favorite celebrities." "And here are two of them, "Weird Al" Yankovic and Vanna White." "Slasher, put the dame in the trunk." "I'll meet you and ma around back in ten minutes." "Got the passes?" " We pull this up, it's 5 million big ones." " Not bad, ma." " Frank, what's gonna happen to me?" " Shh, I have an idea." " All right, Slasher." "You know what to do." " Right." "Make sure the spare tires are inflated and check all the fluid levels." "No, you muffin head." "The dame." "Keep an eye on 'er." "We hit trouble, she's a bullet shield." "Ladies and gentlemen, here now to present the Academy's Lifetime Achievement Award..." "Ready, 3." "Roll tape." "Go to clip." "Aspirin, please." "Go to 3." "Ready, 4..." "This year's Lifetime Achievement Award winner's credits include some of the greatest moments ever captured on celluloid." "Films such as "Sandals and Loincloth", 1958." ""Sweaty Boatmen", 1959." ""The Leather Clad Centurion", 1960, and his first color feature in 1966, "Big Shiny Spears"." "Okay." "There's the man from Bryce/Porterhouse." "He's the guy that guards the envelopes until they're handed out." "That pin is not gonna budge for the take." "Now, you know what to do." "Distract him so I get to the envelopes to plant the bomb." "Accepting the award for Mr. Bronkowitz is Margaret Red Feather." "That ought to do it." "You'll never get away with this." "Rocco's gonna kill you whoever you are." " Frank Drebin, Police Squad." " Frank, isn't that a little unusual?" "Not really." "It happened to me a couple o' times." "Now, here's the plan." "Plan?" "You'll never stop Rocco." " Your chances are one in a million." " That's still better than any state lottery." "Look." "I'm the good guy." "I can't let the bad guys win." "Our children can't be raised in fear." "Don't you see?" "If we can't stop them, they're gonna blow that place sky high." "It'll be a tragedy, unless, of course, it happens during a dance number." "Come on." "Does that radio work?" "Call Police Squad." "Tell 'em Frank Drebin..." "Forget it." "I wonder what the devil he wanted." "Hold on." "Sergeant Frank Drebin, detective lieutenant, Police Squad." " Yeah, and I'm Robert De Niro." " Mr. De Niro, we've got to get inside." "Uh-huh." "You and 10,000 other people." "Now, move along." "Movie stars only." "Come on." "I got a better idea." "And cue talent." "And now, to present the award for Best Supporting Actress... our Mariel Hemingway and Elliot Gould." "Thank you." "The nominees for Best Supporting Actress are:" "Mary Lou Retton, "Fatal Affair", one woman's ordeal to overcome the death of her cat, set against the background of the Hindenburg disaster." "Morgan Fairchild, "Final Proposal", one courageous pioneer woman's triumphant victory over bulimia, set against the background of the Donner Party Crossing." "Very sorry about this, but it's official police business." "Shannen Doherty, "Basic Analysis", one woman's triumph over a yeast infection, set against the background of the tragic Buffalo Bill season of 1991." "Thank you, sheriff." "Still no word of Frank or Rocco and his gang." "Frankly, I'm gettin' worried." "Frank should've phoned in by now." "Let me just check your tickets, folks." "Lovely gown." "Is that Cool Whip?" "All right, Tim and Erica Brown." "Okay, enjoy the show." "Let's see." "Vanna White, "Weird Al" Yankovic." "Okay!" "Enjoy the awards." "Ready, 3... and 3." "And Florence Henderson, "Analysis of a Proposal"..." "Rocco could be anywhere." "He had plenty of time to plant the bomb." "Where could it be?" " And the winner is..." " Boy, this is gonna be dynamite." "Jane." "Frank, are you thinking what I'm thinking?" "Yes." "Florence Henderson's gonna win." "It's about time." "No!" "The bomb is in one of those envelopes." "You're right!" "And the winner is..." "Mary Lou Retton for "Fatal Affair"." "I'm sorry, we were... rooting for Florence Henderson." "We've got to get to those envelopes before they open any more." " I never realized there'd be this many." " They added 75 new categories." ""Best Actor in a Columbus movie"?" "To present the award for Best Director is star of stage and screen Raquel Welch and the distinguished host of his own award-winning talk show, Phil Donahue." "That might be the envelope for the bomb." "Keep looking here." "One more second, Mr. Donahue." "Oh, my God!" "Look at Donahue." "Stop the stairs, Joey." "Joey!" "Thank you." "Ladies and gentlemen, it's my pleasure to present the..." "What the hell...?" "!" " Jesus!" " Go to commercial." "Easy now." "Easy." "Talk to me." "What happened, ma?" "Slasher is Frank Drebin of Police Squad." "Lousy, two-bit copper punk!" "I treated him like my brother... the one I didn't kill." " He might find the bomb." " Not if I find him first." "Back from commercial in 5 seconds." "Hurry up with the mike." "And cue Donahue." "In 3... 2..." "Read the..." "Read it." "Read the card, moron." ""Well, Raquel, this certainly is a special evening." "Phew!"" ""I can barely catch my breath." "Turn it over to Raquel."" ""Raquel:" "I'm used to being out of breath, working out to my..."" "What the hell is he doing?" "!" ""Hold for laughter and applause." "To Phil." "Gets me out of breath just watching you."" " "To Raquel." "Oh, Phil..."" " I'm supposed to read that." ""But let's get to the subject at hand." "Pick up the envelope..."" "The nominees for best director are:" "Sir Richard Attenborough for his musical based on the life of Mother Teresa, "Mother"." "Food, I love food and I'm really in the mood for a big corn dog of pooh-pooh platter two ding-dongs, it doesn't matter and some tuna helper, I'll be racing back for more" "But don't get any sausage cause I'll blow chunks on the floor." "Spike Lee, "X II" " The Merchandising"" "Nordberg, look." "That's Frank at the Academy Awards." "Hey, how did he get tickets?" "Nordberg." "That's where Rocco Dillon is going to strike next, he's planning on blowing up the Academy Awards." "We've gotta to get there." "But, captain, we-we're not invited." "We're cops." " It's for you." " Nordberg, Police Squad." "Hello." "Hello." "Henderson, see about this phone." "I think it's broke." "And now, here are today's lucky lotto numbers." "Get your tickets ready because here they come: 12, 22, 18 and 9." "And for his tale of genetics gone haywire in a retirement community," "Steven Spielberg, "Geriatric Park"." "And... the winner is..." " Uh, Raquel, just a second." " Now what?" " I just had a thought." " Oh, great." "This show is being seen all over the world, I was thinking if we could all send good thoughts, transmit them through these cameras here to men like the leader of China, Wing Wa Woo Tong, so that they might finally be nice." "Thank you." "And the winner is..." "Uh, Raquel, so many go to bed hungry in this nation, yet cat food is full of tuna." "I can't help but think each time I go to the zoo and see those porpoises crammed into those tiny tanks," ""What a waste that is"." "Butcher half of them now!" "That's hundreds of tons of dolphin meat that can be fed to our cats, freeing up that tuna for our nation's hungry." " And... the winner is..." " And so many, uh, are cold, shivering in the night." "So I say "Take those cats, skin them."" " "Use their fur to keep hundreds warm."" " Jesus, Phil." "And the winner is..." " You!" " Give me that!" " Not one move." " That barrel's cold." "It's room temperature." "Let's go." "It's okay." "It's not the bomb." " Jane." "Jane!" " Big trouble!" "Jane." "Jane." " Silver hair." " About 6 2." " Kinda looked like Phil Donahue." " Yeah." "That's the guy!" "Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome internationally renowned actress and singing star Pia Zadora." " There he is!" " There he is!" "Stop 'im!" " Excuse me, is that snot on your shoe?" " Snot?" "Where?" "Oh, no." "Not him again." "Please, God." "Come on, get off the stage!" "I'm Ed Hocken." "This is officer Nordberg from Police Squad." " We're here to prevent a disaster." " Too late for that." "Hey." "It's Frank." "Come on, Nordberg." "We've got to get to Frank." "Jane!" "Jane!" "Uh-huh!" "I knew I'd bump into you around here somewhere." "I want answers, cherry cakes." " I love you." " Wrong answer." "I got out of the Sap-of-the-Month Club a long time ago." "Now, listen to me, angel drawers, you've got one last chance." "And I don't mean one of those Major-League-Baseball-Steve-Howe kind of last chances." " Now, where is Jane?" " I swear I don't know." " All right, then, where is the bomb?" " It's in the Best Picture envelope." "Oh, Mr. Drebin, I wanna go straight." "I'm tired of the lies." "Oh, kiss me." "Please, kiss me." "I never kissed lips so innocent, so pure." "He looked like Phil Donahue." "White hair." "That's the guy!" " Frank?" " I'll get him, captain." "Ladies and gentlemen, to present the Best Picture Award are two of America's most distinguished actors." "Olympia Dukakis and James Earl Jones." "Oh, Lord." "What's that?" "Looks like Phil Donahue throwing up in a tuba." "Someone make a note." "I don't think we should have Phil Donahue back next year." "Thank you." "Thank you." "Good evening." "It's a privilege for us to present the final award of tonight's ceremony." "Frank, we've been worried about you." "Where's Rocco?" "Where's Tanya?" " Come on, Frank, sit down." "Take it easy." " Frank." "Thank God you're all right." ""Indecent Instincts" and "Sawdust and Mildew"." "Oddly enough, Olympia, every one of these movies was a box office hit, except for one." " What's that?" " It's the Best Picture Award." "Yeah." "Momma needs all "Sawdust and Mildew"." "Olympia, would you do the honors, please?" "Oh, my God!" "That's the one!" "The award for this year's best picture goes to..." " Wait!" " Oh, great." "Sorry about this." "Loved you in "Coneheads"." "You, too." "Let me open this." "It's the bomb!" "Freeze, and nobody gets hurt!" "Well... from now on." "Back in your seats, you little weasels." "Party's over!" "This program's been permanently interrupted." "Okay, everybody, don't panic." "Stay with it." "Camera 2, move in on the old lady." "Whoa, whoa, whoa!" "Better move back, 2." " I said "No one moves"." " Sit down!" "Now pay attention!" "I don't wanna kill nobody unless I have to." "You hear me?" "All right." "Drop your guns and kick 'em over here." "I believe that bomb belongs to me." "Hand it over..." "Drebin." "You wanna do the honors of killin' him, ma?" "Blink, and I start shootin'." "Give me that gun." " Oh, my God!" " I'm not fallin' for that one, sister." " Ma!" " She's a goner, Rocco." "Dead?" "Then that's it." "I'm comin' with you, ma!" "Pull out the bomb, Drebin." "If you don't, I'll shoot the dame." "All right, Rocco." "All right." " I'll do what you say." " Frank!" "Just don't harm her." "Frank, if you pull out the bomb, you'll kill me anyway." "And everyone else in this theatre." " Yeah." "No dice, Rocco." " Then I'll plug 'er." "You shoot her and I'll empty this envelope." "Frank, think about it." "It's all right, you'll be dead." "Then you'll kill yourself." "And everyone here." "Yeah." "Then I'll shoot you, Drebin, if you don't do as I say." " Jane?" " I'd be safe." "So would everyone else." "But you'd be dead." "This is getting a little complicated, Rocco." "Let's look at this logically." "You're the psychotic, you should have the envelope." "I should have the gun." " Frank!" " I know what I'm doing." "All right." "Here's your Best Picture, in front of a whole worldwide audience." " This place is going up." " Well, if I'm goin' out, I'm goin' out happy." "Wait a minute, Rocco, before we're all blown to bits." "Mind if I pull the underwear out of my crack?" "A man's gotta go comfortable." "All right, but that's it." "All right, give it up, Rocco, you're history!" "Look, George Hamilton!" "Come and get me, Drebin." "Throw me a gun." "Nordberg, get rid of the bomb." "Hold on, sweetheart." "Frank, help me!" " Frank!" " I know what I'm doing." "I hate heights." "Move it, sister." "Screw the commercials!" "We're sticking with this." "All right, copper." "You killed my ma." "I'm taking the dame away from you." "You hear me, copper?" "One push and Mrs. Drebin here becomes linoleum." "Get a camera up there." "I don't care how!" "This could be my best work!" "Any last words, sweetheart, before I throw you off this catwalk?" "Yes." "Don't do it." " Anything else?" " Frank, I love you." "Yes, I want the world to know you're the perfect man." " Oh, Frank, I hope you can hear me." " And they told me I couldn't do drama." "I was wrong." "Taking you away from Police Squad was a mistake." "I know now that's why you couldn't perform decent sex with me." "Yes, I realize that now, Frank, and a lot of other things." "Everything's under control." "Nobody moves!" "Any vibration might set this thing off." "Frank, I've learned my lesson." "And even though it may be too late for me," "I want all you ladies out there to remember something." "Don't ever take your men for granted." "Because good men don't just fall out of the sky." "He's caught up in the cable." "Frank, do something." "Hurry." "I'm coming, ma!" " Rocco?" " Pahpshmir?" "Jane, I never want us to be apart again." "Oh, Frank, you like me, you really like me." " Frank, slow down." " Hurry up, we're late!" "Relax, Frank." "There's plenty of time." "Did you bring the camcorder?" "Right here." " What room is she in?" " Delivery room." "This must be it." "Jane, I'm here." "Frank is here now." " Push!" "Bear down now." " Breathe, honey." "Breathe, Jane." "One more push." "That's it." "Congratulations, dad." "It's a boy." "Nordberg!" "Come back here!" " Frank!" "It's a boy." " I know!"