"Hey, Frasier." "Hello, Poppy." "You should have your hearing checked." "I've been yelling, "Wait up,"" "for the last four blocks." "Well, I must be getting old." "Like an old man could walk that fast." "You were practically running the last block." "Did I ever tell you about my uncle who ran everywhere?" "He ran to the store..." "Well, that's a very amusing story." "I'll see you at the station." "Roz!" "Good God." "Thank God you were here." "I know exactly how you feel." "Last week, I ducked into a bathroom stall to get away from her, and there were three other women already in there." "Gosh." "Listen, I have a favor to ask." "This friend of mine is running this charity dinner/dance Friday night..." "Oh, Roz, say no more." "What do they need, an autographed picture for their silent auction?" "That would be a silent auction." "Oh, very funny." "No, what I was hoping you would do is buy some tickets." "They're only 100 bucks each." "I don't know, Roz." "You know, I'd have to take a date." "Seattle does have certain expectations about the sort of person I should be seen with." "Well, that's easy." "Here he is." "Oh." "Let's see if he's free." "I'll let you know." "Hey, Roz." "Frasier." "Niles." "Mind if I join you?" "Well, actually, I'm not staying." "I'm avoiding someone." "Oh?" "Who?" "The new so-called arts critic at the station-- Poppy." "Oh." "Uh-huh." "The woman drives me mad." "She's gassing on endlessly about the most mundane matters." "It's absolutely infuriating, as is that smirk of yours." "Well, I'm sorry." "I've noticed that not a day goes by that you don't bad-mouth this woman." "Well, with good reason." "The woman is a wind sock." "Mm-hmm." "I'm wondering if someone isn't protesting a bit too much." "She's very attractive, obviously well-bred." "Perhaps all this pigtails- in-the-inkwell hostility is actually a latent attraction." "Oh, well, bravo, Dr. Crane." "Yes, I think you're really onto something there." "POPPY:" "Hey, where'd Roz go?" "Oh, she dashed off to the office." "We're going to continue our meeting there." "You know, Poppy, I was just telling my brother what an enchanting storyteller you are." "Why don't you take my seat, and he can find out for himself." "Ta-ta." "Well, it's, uh, nice to finally meet you, Poppy." "Must be quite a story behind that name." "Yes." "So... you're the new arts critic at the station." "That... that must be interesting." "Oh, yes." "Okay, well, um... if you don't feel like talking," "I should really be running anyway." "No, don't go." "I am just amazed at how different you are from your brother." "He's sort of intimidating." "I get so flustered around him," "I just start babbling." "But you..." "you're different." "You're very warm." "Thank you." "So are you." "And polite." "Not to mention stylish and charming and incredibly handsome." "Oh, my God, am I babbling again?" "If you were, I'd be too charming and polite to tell you." "Well, what the hell are you doing?" "I've been waiting for 20 minutes." "I am so sorry." "You're probably wondering who I am." "I'm mildly curious." "I was in the shower-- my shower..." "Uh, I just moved in next door." "I probably should have started with that, huh?" "Anyway... oh, I'm Regan Shaw, by the way." "Nice to see you." "Anyway, uh... the doorbell rang, and I figured it was the phone guy, 'cause I've been waiting all day long." "So I ran to catch him, stepped out into the hallway and locked myself out." "Luckily, luckily, your father came along." "Hey, Fras." "Yes, that was lucky." "All right, well, this should keep you nice and warm, and I'll just run in the kitchen and get you your herbal tea." "If you'll excuse me," "I'll just show my father where it's kept." "Pretty sweet, huh?" "I just found her right out in the hall." "Yes, well, I'm sorry, Dad, but you can't keep her." "No." "I brought her here for you." "I've been talking you up the whole time." "Really?" "Yeah." "Listen." "I'm serving this one to you on a platter." "In fact, if it wasn't for the jasmine on your robe," "I'd say that this one was a slam dunk." "I just wonder..." "It's a basketball term." "Yes, I know that, Dad." "I just wonder how to chat up a half-naked woman without looking uncouth." "Well, just be friendly." "She's a veterinarian, she's single, uh..." "She's very athletic, as you can tell from that body." "Lord in heaven!" "Oh, Dad, please..." "Just because you're serving the cake doesn't mean you can't have a few crumbs that drop off." "(groans)" "(chuckling):" "Hi." "Well, here we go." "There you are." "Now, uh, I got a call to make, so Frasier will keep you entertained." "Thanks for the tea." "You're welcome." "So, uh... you're next door." "Oh, that's right." "Judge Gilroy moved in with his daughter." "I bet he never wandered into your apartment wearing a towel." "No, no." "I did hear he wandered into work one day wearing a towel, though." "I guess that's why he had to move in with his daughter." "That was dumb." "I walked off with your car keys." "I should have known from the big "BMW" on it." "Thank you, Dad." "So..." ""Regan." That's an unusual name." "Is it, by any chance, from..." "From King Lear, yeah." "A-ha." "One of the ungrateful daughters." "I don't know what my dad was thinking." "Never do." "I'm sorry." "I have some issues with my father." "Excuse me again." "I have no idea what that would be like." "Well, I'd better be on my way, huh, and, uh, just let you two talk." "Oh, he's a wonderful listener, you know?" "In fact, that's the motto on his very popular radio show: "I listen."" "Yes, Dad, don't forget my sign-off:" ""Good-bye."" "I actually listen to your show." "Really?" "Well, I'm flattered." "Thank you." "I think if I hadn't gone into veterinary medicine, it would have been psychology." "I guess I was always just drawn to animals." "Yes, it is hard not to love them." "MARTIN:" "I just feel so responsible." "Maybe there was something more I could have said, something more I could have done." "I keep playing it over and over in my head." "I'll ask her out today, Dad." "So, Dr. Crane, do you believe women have an intuition about men?" "Uh, intuition?" "Well, like they might know when a man has a little crush, you know, by the way he fidgets or gets a look in his eye or..." "Well... (alarm ringing)" "(alarm stops)" "I only ask because I'm getting that feeling from your brother." "Really?" "Hmm." "He's all moony-eyed today." "There's someone he's quite keen on." "Yes." "Actually, I know who it is." "I called him on it yesterday in the coffee shop." "He won't admit to it." "The problem is..." "Yeah?" "I've developed a crush myself, and it happens to be..." "Frasier?" "What ya doing?" "Nothing." "Come in." "Come in." "So, Niles, how are you?" "Uh, well, the question is, how are you?" "I hear you've been mooning around like a lovesick schoolboy." "Who told you that?" "Oh, let's just say the birds around here are chirping." "Anyway... are you prepared to admit that my little theory yesterday was correct?" "Are you talking about Poppy?" "Yes." "The woman you so adamantly denied having any attraction to." "I still do." "She's loathsome." "Does it gall you so much to admit I'm right?" "But you're not right." "Oh." "Well, then, who is this person you're so interested in?" "You don't know her." "Uh-huh." "Tell me about her." "It's premature." "Oh, brother." "All right, fine." "If you must know, the woman happens to be... (knocking on door) Hello?" "Her-- my next-door neighbor." "Oh, what good timing she has." "Hi." "Come on in." "I just wanted to return this teacup." "Oh, well, you're welcome anytime." "Uh..." "Regan Shaw, this is my brother, Dr. Niles Crane." "Hello." "Hello." "Do you two know each other?" "Yes." "No." "Well..." "I'll just go get us all some coffee, and you two can decide if you know each other or not." "I'm so sorry," "Dr. Crane." "I was just a little startled seeing you outside your office." "Uh, please, don't even think about it." "Have a seat." "Uh... well, so I gather this is your new building." "Yes." "Right next door to your brother, who I just met." "Is that so strange?" "Yes." "Well, remember," "I have a policy of total confidentiality." "He never needs to know that you've started seeing me." "Oh." "Here it is." "What did you find out?" "Well, it sounded like they've had a date or two." "He mentioned having seen her." "Damn him." "Come to think of it, he said something in the elevator about having a crush on someone." "I'll just have to confront him, see if he's man enough to admit that he's horned in on my territory." "Well, excuse me, Dr. Crane, but didn't your brother meet her first?" "Oh, honestly, Daphne, just try to keep up." "It's not that complicated." "Well, here we are." "Actually, I can't stay." "I've got the cable man coming." "Oh." "Could I take a rain check?" "Well, certainly." "Uh... would you like to go out for coffee sometime?" "Yeah, I'd like that." "Great." "Bye." "Bye." "Bye." "So, I take it you two do know each other." "Uh, we met briefly at some event." "I see." "Changing the subject completely," "Daphne just mentioned that you happen to have a little crush on someone yourself." "(sighs):" "Yes, I have." "Care to elaborate?" "Actually, I will." "Unlike you, I don't mind being candid." "The woman... is Poppy." "Poppy?" "Uh, we had coffee yesterday after you left." "Uh... you're not upset?" "No, not at all." "Thank you for your candor, Niles." "I'm sure that you and Poppy will be very happy together." "(stifles laughter)" "Are you laughing at me?" "You think so little of my chances?" "FRASIER:" "No, no, Niles." "I wish you and Poppy the very best." "I don't need this smug attitude of yours." "I fully intended to discuss this amiably." "You refused, so I'll just say good-bye." "Very well, thanks for dropping by." "Off you go." "Oh!" "What kind of a fool does he take me for?" "He is obviously pursuing Regan." "The man has the nerve to say he's chasing Poppy!" "Poppy?" "Yes, as if anyone could pursue that insufferable air horn!" "If it's deceit and chicanery he's after," "I'll give him more than he can handle." "Dr. Crane, before it gets to that level, wouldn't it make sense for you two to just have one open and honest conversation?" "Oh, honestly, Daphne, how you manage to oversimplify absolutely everything!" "These shoes are killing me." "I can't wait to sit down." "Well, you're not going to sit there." "Why not?" "I'm expecting someone for coffee." "Well, Niles is small." "We can share." "It is not Niles." "Would you stop saying that?" "It happens to be a woman." "Well, I'll move when she gets here." "By the way, I still have four tickets left for that charity ball Friday night." "Oh, I'm sorry, Roz;" "thanks anyway." "Oh, come on." "It's for a good cause." "They provide disaster relief." "Howdy, partners!" "How soon can they get here?" "Frasier, I was leaving the booth, and I saw this umbrella." "I think it belongs to you." "FRASIER:" "Yes." "It's my emergency umbrella." "I always leave it in the booth." "Don't feel bad." "I'm forgetful, too." "You know, I think I'll just go... see what's keeping my latte." "Would you watch my table, please, Roz?" "Hello, Roz." "I noticed that Poppy was here." "Did she mention where she was headed?" "No." "But listen, Niles, could I interest you in a couple of tickets for a charity ball this Friday?" "It's a great event." "Is Frasier going?" "No, but do you have to go to everything together?" "I'll take two." "Uh, I'm in a hurry;" "I'll send you a check." "Where is Niles in such a rush off to?" "I have no idea." "Last chance-- only two tickets left." "What?" "I thought there were four." "Niles just bought a pair." "Damn him!" "He's probably off to intercept Regan right now." "Who?" "I'm sorry, Roz." "I'm in a hurry." "I'll write you a check for these." "Enjoy the table." "This is the best kind of party." "We get to dress up, have a wonderful time, and it's all for a good cause." "Well, it really is an impressive organization." "I've heard that within 24 hours of any worldwide disaster, they can put together a ball." "(giggles)" "Oh, look, it's your brother." "What?" "NILES:" "Oh." "So it is." "Uh, why don't you find our table, and I'll get us some champagne." "Okay." "Roz, you didn't tell me" "Frasier was going to be here." "Yeah, he bought the last two tickets." "After he knew I'd be here with Poppy." "Obviously, he wants to get a shot at her himself." "He brought that woman along as his beard." "Do you think Frasier's interested in Poppy?" "I shouldn't be surprised the subtle signs of attraction are lost on you-- a woman to whom the gunning of a Harley engine is like a "come hither" look." "Hello, Roz." "Hi." "I see that Niles has brought himself a date for the evening." "Yep, and you'll never guess what he thinks." "Oh, I know exactly what he thinks." "He thinks by bringing Poppy as his patsy, he can steal a few minutes with Regan, try to win her for himself." "That's not what he thinks." "Roz!" "He likes Poppy." "Oh... dear, simple Roz." "After six years of listening at my feet, have you learned nothing of the dark forces that move people?" "Open your ears." "Are you looking at your brother again?" "Yes." "I'm sorry." "It's just that he keeps staring over here, for God's sakes!" "He hasn't paid any attention to his date whatsoever!" "Can you imagine how that woman must feel?" "Yeah." "Women hate that." "He's doing it again." "What?" "My brother is staring at us, obviously thinking what a striking couple we make." "In fact, let's give him something to stare at." "Oh!" "Oh, I'm sorry." "Same toe as before?" "Yes, same toe as before." "(chuckles)" "What is going on with you two tonight?" "All right." "I suppose you're going to find out sooner or later anyway." "You see..." "I know about you and Niles." "You do?" "Yes, but it's all right." "I don't mind." "It's just that, well... he's really quite smitten with you." "(gasps)" "Oh, my God." "Really?" "You think you're going to lose the nail?" "No, no." "I just need to sit for a minute." "(tango playing)" "Oh, my gosh, I love the tango!" "You won't mind if I dance one with your brother?" "What?" "Well, actually, Poppy, I..." "Oh, come on." "Niles can keep Regan company." "Ow!" "Uh, you know..." "Regan, I'm getting a second wind." "Uh, shall we show them how it's done?" "Well, actually, Dr. Crane, I..." "Oh, don't be so formal." "We're not doctor and patient tonight." "Oops." "Your brother's quite the romantic, inviting me to a ball on our very first date." "He certainly doesn't waste time, does he?" "No, he doesn't, does he?" "You do realize that I'm interested in your brother." "You mean you're developing real feelings for him?" "Yeah." "Well, you may think so now, but trust me, your future's not with him." "I know this is confusing." "You'll see everything more clearly when I've got you on the couch." "Oh." "Well, I can't take any more of this." "All right, I have to cut in." "See?" "How romantic." "Yes, come with me." "You should be ashamed of yourself." "Your tango wasn't so impressive, either." "I'm talking about your behavior tonight." "You mean that I won't simply stand aside and let you have the woman you want?" "Exactly." "Obviously, one of us has to back off-- not just tonight, but permanently." "Frasier, can I talk to you a minute alone?" "Of course." "Just give me one more moment with my brother." "Niles, when you're finished," "I'd love one more dance." "Ah." "I'll be right there." "Well, I believe she has made her choice." "Yes, I believe she has." "Uh..." "Frasier, I think I'd like to leave, if that's all right." "Leave?" "Already?" "Well, couldn't we just have one last dance?" "Well, I guess." "I'm just feeling a little uncomfortable." "Yes, I certainly don't blame you for that, but you see, now that I've spoken with him," "Niles has agreed to behave himself." "Now I can... put all my attention on you." "Oh..." "That is a relief." "I mean, you can understand how I was a kind of freaked out by all that." "Right?" "Frasier." "FRASIER:" "He's a brave little soldier, isn't he?" "Awash in despair, and yet he dances." "This is when they wrote songs that were really about something-- true love..." "broken hearts..." "Yes, there's nothing quite so poignant as someone with a broken heart pretending that it isn't." "No wonder he keeps staring over at us." "He's suffered such a crushing defeat tonight." "Can we go?" "Well... yes, of course, that's... that's the best thing to do." "No..." "let me just have one last word with him." "Oh, my God." "Niles, if you don't mind." "You guys are going to wear me out." "Could I see you at the bar, please?" "I think I'm going to catch a cab." "Aren't you having a good time?" "Frankly, no." "Are you?" "Well, yes." "I think Niles has got quite a little crush on me." "But, actually, Poppy, there's something you should know about Niles." "Niles, I just want you to know that I..." "I'm not happy with the way things have ended this evening." "Well, neither am I. How could I be?" "And the worst thing is, it's not just tonight." "What happens when we keep running into each other?" "Yes." "The victor will have his trophy." "The loser will be empty-handed." "Hardly seems worth it, given the permanent damage this could do to our relationship." "Yes, I can't help but wonder if perhaps we're being a bit shortsighted." "Niles, is that Regan and Poppy leaving just now?" "It was, wasn't it?" "I want you to go after her." "What?" "Yes." "I won't stand in your way." "No." "Frasier, I would feel better if you went after her." "No." "No, I couldn't do that to you." "(sighs)" "I think we're both feeling the same thing." "I know we are..." "you noble bastard." "Right back at you." "Oh, it's for the best." "After all, the most important thing is our friendship." "I think that's worth drinking to." "Two bourbons." "You know, while we're at it, let's propose a toast to one pretty remarkable woman." "Well, she'd have to be to have won both of our hearts." "Hear, hear." "Well, then..." "To Poppy." "To Regan." "I think we're going to need two more here." "♪ Hey, baby, I hear the blues a'callin' ♪" "♪ Tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪" "♪ Mercy ♪" "♪ And maybe I seem a bit confused ♪" "♪ Well, maybe, but I got you pegged ♪" "(laughing)" "♪ But I don't know what to do ♪" "♪ With those tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪" "♪ They're callin' again. ♪" "Good night, everybody!"