"Well, house like this, you've got to expect the foundation to settle a bit." "Just going to have to do something about that one of these days." "Oh, dear." "What a mess." "Must be those damn raccoons again, huh?" "I'm going to have to put a screen on top of that chimney." "Really going to have to shore up the foundations." "Oh, well." "Que serà serà." "Damn." "Boiled fish again." "Well... have to replace that thermostat, that's all." "Well, if it isn't one thing, it's another, hmm?" "Oh, that's convenient!" "I've been meaning to rearrange these books, anyway." "Let's see." "How should I rearrange them?" "By author?" "No." "By title, hmm?" "Maybe by color, huh?" "No." "Amanda." "Oh...!" "Damn." "Dad!" "Merry Christmas." "Amanda, you're supposed to be spending Christmas with your mother." "What's the matter?" "Aren't you glad to see me?" "Oh, yeah, yeah, yes." "Of course." "Delighted." "lt's just that..." "Just what?" "It's just that I'm surprised to see you-- that's all." "Look, I've been having a difficult time lately." "Everything is so..." "unpredictable." "Well, I couldn't stand the idea of you spending Christmas all alone." "Well, I'm not really alone." "I mean, l-l mean, I don't mind really being alone." "I was beginning to think you didn't want me here." "Oh, honey, don't." "Don't ever say that." "So, smile." "You're allowed to smile." "Where's your Christmas spirit?" "I did buy a turkey." "And I got the tree out, and I decorated it." "You did the tree all by yourself?" "I got to see it." "Amanda!" "Amanda!" "God, what happened?" "Oh, oh, that?" "Well, you know me." "You know how clumsy I am." "I'm always knocking something over." "This isn't like you at all." "Well, it was just a couple of accidents-- nothing to really worry about." "Dad!" "It's okay. lt's okay, baby." "It's just the foundation settling-- that's all." "Dad, there's something seriously wrong here." "No." "No, I don't think so." "Listen, I got an idea." "Why don't I make you a nice cup of hot chocolate, huh?" "Nothing cheerful as a cup of hot chocolate, is there?" "Come on." "Come." "Come on." "What was that?" "What was that?" "I told you.. it's nothing." "It's just the house settling.." "that's all." "No, no, it..." "it sounded like some animal." "Look." "I told you." "Oh, oh, those." "Those are old marks, honey." "Ah, come on." "Let's have that cup of hot chocolate, and then we'll stuff the turkey." "Hey, I've got something that I was going to... I was going to deliver it over to your mother's house." "Dad." "Go on, open it." "It's Christmas Eve or it will be soon." "Dad, they're beautiful." "They're not real, but the jeweler says..." ""Only an expert can tell the difference."" "Oh." "Dad, I love you!" "Hey, it's the carolers from St. Anne's." "It wouldn't be Christmas without them, huh?" "Come on." "Let's go to the front door and sing with them." "Come on." "Okay." "Make them stop!" "I'm losing my mind!" "Lord Beelzebub, help me!" "Hear my plea!" "Beelzebub!" "My Lord, you heard me." "We hear all suffering in the depths, demon." "Every sigh." "Every tear." "Every complaint." "That's what makes it Hell." "I'm honored beyond all demons." "Don't be." "I just came up here to shut you up." "All Hell is murky with the echo of your yattering." "But my Lord, this... this man, he's... he's some kind of saint." "I'll never snatch his soul." "He's not a saint." "He's a pickle salesman." "But he'll break, like all the rest." "First, he'll admit the presence of evil." "And then he'll lose faith in the existence of good." "And next, he'll start to question his fate and ask, "Why me?"" "And finally, he'll curse God." "And then... he's mine." "Not this one." "I've tried everything." "I sent such lustful dreams to his wife, till one day he walked in on her and his best friend." "And what did he do?" "He said, "Que serà serà."" "Italian." "A charm against disappointment." ""What will be, will be."" "Then I put his cat in the microwave." "My masterpiece." "Fur and cat brains all over the kitchen walls." "You must try harder." "Let me touch him, just once." "Please." "No." "There are rules, demon." "Even for us." "A fingernail in the eye." "Did you learn nothing at the academy?" "Read it, Yattering." ""Treaty of Job." "6522 B.C." ""Rule one-- 'Thou shalt not touch."'" "And the penalty, name it." ""To become a slave."" "Exactly so." "You have your instructions." "Break his pathetic human heart." "Crush his sanity." "Drive him to suicide any way you can." "But don't touch." "It's impossible." "Do it, or suffer eternally in his place." "Oh, no." "Not that." "Please, it's not fair." "Don't fail." "Eternity is a long, long, long... long time." "No, no, don't leave me." "Make them stop!" "Make them shut up!" "Thank you." "That was lovely." "Oh, yeah, yes, that was very, very nice, yes." "Something for the homeless?" "Oh, yes, yes, of course, of course." "We'll see you next year, huh?" "Thank you." "What's that smell?" "Like rotten eggs." "I imagine it's just the drains." "I'll have a plumber in to see about them." "There's something alive in there!" "You see, Amanda, it's probably just a raccoon." "It's okay. lt's okay, honey." "See?" "It stopped." "My God." "My fault." "I should have gotten a frozen turkey." "I mean, this one is..." "is too fresh." "Dad, this is no time for jokes." "I'm sure there's a rational explanation for everything." "What, the foundation's settling?" "Well, maybe Santa Claus is playing tricks this year, and he got Christmas mixed up with Halloween." "You look pale." "Let me pour you a brandy." "Why can't you be serious?" "This is happening now." "This is not some crazy story someone's making up." "I am serious about the brandy." "Dad." "Look, Amanda, the only possible explanation is too preposterous for words." "You mean a poltergeist?" "Yes, all that stuff." "Bogeymen, things that bump in the night." "But we're a modern people." "We live in the 20th century." "We don't believe in bogeymen, do we?" "Dad, I know what I saw." "That turkey was... was alive." "And now it's on the tree." "There's something evil in this place." "Whatever it is, we're just going to have to live with it." "Que serà serà." "Don't say that!" "You know, you're a lot like your mother." "Don't say that either." "What do you want me to do-- call the police, or an exorcist?" "Oh, maybe I should just let whatever's going on drive me stark raving bonkers." "Would you like to see that?" "See the men in the white suits come and cart me away?" "Look, I'm doing the only thing that I know how, and that is to take life as it comes." "And don't lose faith that whatever it is, it'll work out for the best somehow." "And that's Jack Polo's philosophy of life." "Now it may not be the greatest philosophy, but it's got me through 50 years, and I'm going to stick with it." "Sorry." "I shouldn't have criticized you." "No, it's all right." "Children should criticize their parents." "It's a way of understanding them, hmm?" "Did you hear that?" "Yes, yes, Amanda, I heard it." "Out!" "Out!" "No!" "Not her!" "You leave her alone!" "Show yourself!" "Show yourself!" "Show yourself!" "Show yourself, damn you!" "Are you okay?" "Yes, I'm perfectly all right." "In fact, I think I might take a walk." "Dad." "Do you care to join me, huh?" "Huh?" "Beelzebub." "You're about to fail." "But my lord, I'm so close." "Fool!" "He's about to go back to his wife." "What?" "Back to an orgy of forgiveness and compassion." "And you're wasting your time tearing up Christmas presents." "I'll-l'll stop him." "Don't let him set foot outside the door, or you've lost him." "I want him damned!" "I'll drop by." "And if your mom asks me to stay, maybe I will." "That'd be great." "My God, we're locked in!" "It won't let us out!" "I'll tell you what-- why don't we try the back door?" "Baby, come on!" "I got it!" "Damn!" "Fooled by a mortal." "No!" "Whoops." "Now, you see what you've done?" "You've frightened my daughter." "Now don't you ever do that again." "Hell and damnation." "You hold your tongue." "There's a lady present." "Now, come on, come on." "No tricks, you hear me?" "Come on." "Look, look, look." "Look, look." "Look what you've done to my place, huh?" "You ought to be ashamed of yourself." "What is that?" "Oh, it's the thing they sent to claim my soul." "He's a minor, not terribly bright demon called the Yattering, I believe." "God, what do we do?" "It's now my slave, isn't that right?" "Yes." "Yes, what?" "Yes, Mr. Polo." "But how?" "Very good, very good." "He broke rule one." "Mustn't touch the damned until they're damned." "So now he's mine." "How did you know?" "Oh, didn't they tell you why they wanted me damned so bad?" "My mother was a witch." "Grandma?" "Yes." "Now, you get busy and tidy up the place." "And when you're done, you can cook us a nice Christmas dinner." "Yes, master." "You know, they'll never let you into Heaven with a demon as a slave." "Oh, never mind that." "Get to work." "This place is an unholy mess." "It's all right." "We're safe now." "Dad, isn't that true what he just said about Heaven?" "Possibly, yes." "But you know what I always say..." "What are you muttering back there, Yat?" "What is it that I always say?" "Que serà serà?" "Right." "Dad..." "That's what I always say."