"It seems to me that it would be more fair if everybody on both basketball teams was the same height." "That's how it seems to you, huh?" "Yeah, like in boxing." "Heavyweights fight heavyweights." "Lightweights fight lightweights." "So, in your world, everybody on a basketball team would be, say, 6'5*, and they'd only play other teams that were 6'5*." "Exactly." "That way, no one would have an unfair advantage." "That's very interesting." "You really think so?" "No, but it's less likely to start a fight than ** That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. **" "And yet, you said it anyway." "Listen, I've got to talk to you about something." "Okay, dumb was a poor choice of words." "It's not about that." "Can it wait till halftime?" "No." "I've got to go to a funeral this weekend." "Oh, man, I'm sorry." "Who died?" "My ex-mother-in-law." "That couldn't wait till halftime?" "Charlie." "I'm just saying she'll still be dead at halftime." "I was very close to her and I want to pay my respects, so I'm going to Santa Barbara, and I'll be spending the weekend with my ex-husband." "Oh, okay." "Define with." "Well, everyone's staying at his parents' house." "All right... well, do you want me to come with you?" " No." " Great." " Why not?" " Do you want to come?" "Hell, no." "That's what I figured." "Look, I just want to be up-front with you." "I was married to Alex for eight years, and I just don't want you to get the wrong idea." "I wouldn't have had any idea if you hadn't felt the need to tell me." "Yeah, well, I don't want us to have any secrets from each other." "Oh, I agree." "We definitely should not have secrets." " Right." " You know, from this point forward." "What kind of guy is this Alex?" "He's a good guy." "We just got married too young and wanted different things." "He wanted something different than your things?" "'Cause your things are terrific." "Thank you." "He didn't go gay on you, did he?" " No." " Rats." " Are you jealous?" " No, no." "Of course not." "I mean, maybe a little." "You know, in the sense that his mother's dead." "Two and a Half men Season 06" " Episode 16 ** She'll Still Be Dead At Halftime **" "I miss you, too, honey." "How was the funeral?" "Yeah, I guess they're all pretty sad." "Probably why they don't call them fun-erals." "Yeah, that was lame." "So, where are you now, at the house?" "And where is your ex-husband?" "And where is his room in relationship to yours?" "Hey, hey, it's got nothing to do with jealousy." "I just know, based on a lifetime of experience, that penises do not observe a traditional mourning period." "Forget it, you are not driving my car until you get a learner's permit." " Not even in the driveway?" " Not anywhere." "What if you have a heart attack?" "Can I drive you to the hospital?" " No, call an ambulance." " Fine." "If they don't get here in time, can I have your car?" "There's my posse." "What are we doing tonight, boys?" "Think big." "It's my treat." " Drunk?" " Probably." "Where is Chelsea?" "She had to go out of town." "Oh, so your girlfriend's gone for a couple of days." " Now, suddenly, you have time for us?" " Yeah." "You ever think that maybe Jake and I already have plans?" "That our lives go on even when you're not around?" "That we don't just pop into existence the moment you need us?" "I'm free." "Me, too." "I'm just making a point." "So, what's it going to be?" "A movie, bowling?" "Putt-putt, Nevada cathouse?" "I vote for cathouse." "Do you even know what a cathouse is?" "Not firsthand." "That's why I voted for it." "A movie would be fine." "All right, a movie it is." "What's out that's good?" "There's a new pirate movie." "It's rated Arr!" "You guys have no sense of humor." "Can we go to that new theater with the reserved seats and the jumbo kosher hot dogs?" "You just finished dinner." "That doesn't mean I finished eating." "Hey, Charlie." "Wanda... what are you doing here?" "I was in the neighborhood, and I'm drunk and horny." "New plan." "Have I met this one before?" "I doubt it." "She looks familiar." "Blond, bustyand bombed?" "Around here, that's familiar." "I thought Uncle Charlie liked Chelsea." "He does." "Well, then, what's he doing with Wanda?" "Well, buddy, it's like this." "Uh, despite his many admirable qualities, your Uncle Charlie is, at heart, a sleazeball." "That's what I figured." "I just wanted a second opinion." "Hang on." "I'll grab another bottle." "Broad is part camel." "Except the humps aren't on her back." "Oh, come on." "That was funnier than Rated arr!" "Look, I know you're upset, but I'll take you to the movies some other time." "This has nothing to do with the movie." "Then what's the problem?" "The problem is you're a sleazeball." "Really?" "How so?" "Oh, please." "You're in a committed relationship with a wonderful woman, and the minute her back is turned, you're out gallivanting." " Gallivanting?" " Screwing around." "Then, why don't you just say, Screwing around?" "Hey, as we speak, Chelsea is doing the same thing I'm doing." "Oh, really?" "She's pouring liquor down the throat of an inebriated party girl?" " Inebriated?" " Drunk." "Geez, who are you showing off for?" "At this moment, Chelsea is in the same house as her ex-husband." " Why?" " His mother died." "Oh, my apologies." "Clearly, anything you do at this point is justified." " No, it's not." " I was being disingenuous." " What?" " Sarcastic." "You know, this is why Mom gets pissed off at you so much." "Look." "Charlie, do what you want." "If you can live with yourself, more power to you." "If I could live with myself, we'd be having this conversation by telephone." "See, him I understand." "Charlie, bed, now, come." "Succinct, ain't she?" "Does succinct mean what I think it means?" "I highly doubt it." "Hello?" "Right here, baby." " Are you okay?" " Yeah, why?" "Never mind." "Come on." "Come on." " Let's get you into bed." " Thank you." "Hey, you remember when we were in Vegas and I talked that cute waitress into joining us?" "Yeah, I do." "I saw her last week at the Hard Rock." " No kidding." " She gained a lot of weight." " Is that so?" " Yeah, we were lucky." "We nailed her right before she quit smoking." "Listen, Wanda, uh..." "She does smell better, though." " I'm sure, but listen..." " Like Fritos." "You know what?" "I got to... check on something." "Well, is it okay if I start without you?" "Top drawer, nightstand-- take your pick." "Careful." "The big one's a flashlight." "That was fast." "I'm guesng." "You're right." "I'm a sleazeball." "Don't tell me you actually had a moral epiphany." " Uh, epiphany means..." " Don't bother." "I don't know what you call it, but I've got a gorgeous, willing girl in my bed, and I'm just not interested." "Maybe you're a gay sleazeball." "I'll tell you what's going on." "You care about Chelsea too much to cheapen your relationship with a meaningless one-night stand." "You're right." "I do care about Chelsea." "I'm crazy about her." "Boy, that sucks." "Hello." "Oh, hey, Chelsea, we were just..." "Give me that." "Hey, baby, what's going on?" "He did?" "At his own mother's funeral?" "Her ex-husband put the moves on her." "What a sleazeball." "No, no, no, don't blame yourself." "You were right to go to the funeral." "Tonight?" "I'd love to see you tonight, but... isn't it a little late to drive all the way from Santa Barbara?" "Oh, you're already on the road." "Oh, that close?" "Wonderful." "Drive safe." "Crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap." "Remember when I was little and every time someone said crap, ey had to put a dollar in the swear jar?" "I do." "Whatever happened to all that money?" "Wanda, I don't want you to take this the wrong way, but you got to get the hell out of here." "Come on." "Chop-chop." "Wanda?" "Wanda..." "Oh, darn." "So the car's a time machine?" "Yeah, it's called a DeLorean." "They don't make 'em anymore." "Crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap." "Help." " I need help." " Oh, my God, w-what happened?" "What's wrong?" "Wanda passed out and Chelsea's on her way over." "Interesting story about the DeLorean." " It was built by a man named John DeLorean." " Are you not listening to me?" "I've got an emergency here." "A dead girl in your bed is an emergency." "A passed-out girl is a dinner date." "I still don't understand why it's called Back to the Future." "Because they're stuck in the past, and they have to get back..." "Home." "Oh, for God's sake, come on!" "My girlfriend's on her way over, and I've got a half-naked broad upstairs!" "Half-naked." "I'm your man." "Sit down." "Have you tried waking her up?" "Well, of course I've tried waking her up." "This is not my first unk bimbo!" "So, what do you expect us to do?" "I expect you to help me get her dressed and drive her home." "Enough talk." "Let's get to it." "I said, sit down." "Where does she live?" "I have no idea." "So, how am I supposed to drive her home?" "Oh, come on." "Do I have to think of everything?" "Just help me!" "All right." "Oh, and I'm a sleazeball?" "You're-You're misreading my-my wow." "I meant Wow, what a predicament." "Yeah, right." "You hold her up." "I'll put her dress on." "Okay." "She's very fit." " Hold her arms up." " Really soft skin." "Smells nice, too." "Okay, why don't you just put a chloroform-soaked handkerchief over her face and throw her in the back of your panel van?" "Sounds like a waste of chloroform, doesn it?" "Okay, you get her head;" "I'll get her feet." "Why do you get her feet?" " What difference does it make?" " I like feet." "Just get her head." "Okay, on three." "One, two, three." "Goodness." "Slowly, slowly." "Slowly, my ass." "Come on." " Let's get her out of here." " Charlie." "Charlie..." "Goodness gracious, these are real." "Slowly." "Slowly." "Quickly." "Quickly." "Hi, baby." "Come on in." "Oh, Charlie, you were so right about Alex." "Alex?" "Oh, yeah." "Alex." "What a sleazeball." "Can I get you something to drink?" "No." "I just want to get in bed and hold you." "Oh, boy, does that sound good." " Leme just say good night to Jake." " Okay." "I'll meet you upstai." "You know what?" "Why don't you come say good night, too?" "Why?" "Well, you're my girlfriend, and he's my nephew, and... isn't that enough?" "Hey, Jake..." "Might want to hang back a sec." "I just ripped off an air biscuit." " What?" " I farted." "Sorry." "I get the fancy words from my dad." "Anyway, Chelsea and I just wanted to say good night." "Okay." "He keeps his feelings bottled up." "Everything else he shoots into the atmosphere." " Hi, Chelsea." " Hi, Alan." "Uh, sorry to hear about your ex-mother-in-law." "Oh, thank you." "Oh, hey, Jake." "I could really use your help." " With what?" " I'm taking out the..." "I'm taking out the trash." "What are you talking about?" "The trash." "I'm taking it out, and I could use your help carrying it." "So now you want my help?" "Yes, now I want your help." "What about the 20 bucks you owe me?" "Charlie?" "Here." "Is the trash still out where you can see it?" "Never mind." "Just go help your father." "Fine." " Nice seeing you, Chelsea." " Good night." "I could have said 50, couldn't I?" "Could have said a hundred." "Can we please go to bed now?" " Beds are for amateurs." " Oh, Charlie." "What if Jake comes back?" "We'll breathe through our mouths." "She really does look familiar." "Terrific.Just don't drop he" "I can't wait to tell my friends about this." "You're not telling anybody about this." "What's the point of doing it if I can't tell anybody?" "You've got 20 bucks and a memory." "Now shut up." "Okay, we've got to get her in the car." "You want me to pull it around?" "No, I don't want you to pull it around!" "Okay, well, then, you pull it around, I'll stay here with her." "But be very careful." "Come on, let's finish this upstairs." "Move, move, move!" " Chelsea, wait." " What?" "I'm so happy you're back." "Oh, hey, Alan." "Is the trash out?" "Uh, almost." "Almost ain't gonna cut it." "Did you at least clean out my room?" " Yes, I did." " Good." "Good." "Okay, well, good night." "Uh, Charlie, can I talk to you for a sec?" " About what?" " uh, recycling." "I'm not quite sure what to do with the... big jugs." "Honey, why don't you go up and get comfortable, and I'll be right there?" " Hurry." " I will." "Okay, first you need to separate the plastic from the glass." "Then when you get to the newspaper..." "What the hell is your problem?" "Shs in Jake's room." "What am I supposed to do?" "I don't know." "Here's my credit card." "Take her to a hol or something." "Okay." "Chain motel or someplace nicer?" "What?" "You know, uh, room service, ocean view." "That way when she regains consciousness, she won't feel so cheap." "Plus, in the nicer places, you have a free continental breakfast." "Assorted pastries, coffee, freshly squeezed orange juice..." "I know what a continental breakfast is!" " Just get her the hell out of here!" " Okay, fine." " Oh, Charlie?" " What?" "I'm a little low on gas." " Use the card!" " Right, right, right." " Charlie?" " What?" "I'm really happy you're trying to make it work with Chelsea." "Go!" "What the hell are you doing?" "You said I could have a memory." "This is it." "Give me the phone." "Oh, good idea." "I can't get us both in the frame." "Can you make it look like we're talking to each other?" "Forget the picture." "We have to bring the car around." "Shouldn't someone stay here with Wanda?" "Yeah, but it shouldn't be you." " Give me the keys." " You said I could pull it around." "I changed my mind." "Okay." "I'll tell Mom about Wanda." "One ding, one scratch, and you're dead." "Dude, mellow out." "You'll give yourself a heart attack." "Hey, look!" "It's me!" "I'm glad you came back." "I don't like it when you're gone." "I don't like it when I'm gone, either." "Here they are." "Funny story." "All right." "You take the head, I'll take the feet." "Why did you get here?" "Because I'm in charge with this operation, and like..." "Guess we don't have to take her to the hotel, huh?" "No, we don't." " Quick, get to the car." " Where are we going?" "Anywhere we want." "We got your uncle Charlie's credit card."