"The One With Joey's Dirty Day" "So now, what is this now?" "Guggly worm." "And this?" "Glow-pop giggly jammer." "You make it so funny." "Hey umm, what's this?" "Ohh, a hunk of sandwich from last year." "Ohh, Geller's got one hooked!" "Ohh!" "Looks like a big one!" "Yeah, ohh!" "Ohh!" "It's the classic struggle between man and?" "Someone knocked over a lamp." "That's all right." "Hey you guys, you know what's going to be great about the fishing trip this year?" "When my dad gets me out in the middle of the lake and gives me that, "Joey, what are you doing with your life?" stuff." "I can say," ""Well, I'm doing a movie with Charlton Heston dad." "What are you doing with your life?"" "Great!" "You don't have to stop having fun just because I'm here." "Kathy didn't cheat on all of you." "Well, except you." "Hey, Joey, I don't think that you should leave Chandler alone." "I mean it's only been two days since he broke up with Kathy." "Maybe you can go fishing next week?" "Look, there's nothing I can do for him right now, he's still in his sweat pants, that's still Phase One." "Y'know?" "I'll be back for Phase Two, I would never miss Phase Two." "What's Phase Two?" "Gettin' drunk and going to a strip club." "How does going to a strip club make him better?" "there are naked ladies there." "Oh!" ". and how's get to Phase Three, picturing yourself with other women." " There are naked ladies there too." " Yeah." "Would you give me one minute!" "Please." "So, these will match the jacket you picked out for me last week?" "Um-hmm." "There we go." "There it is." " Oh!" "You know what I need?" " Yeah!" " gloves." "Brown, leather dress gloves." "Oh, okay." "Uhh, well let's see." "You're about?" "well uh, this one is large." "And this one?" " Also large?" " Yeah!" "Okay, two larges coming right up!" "Okay." "Rachel!" "Could I have a moment?" "Yes." "I-I was wondering, my niece you see is in from London?" "well Shropshire really but y'know?" "well she's about your age I say." "Anyway I have tickets for the opera, Die Fledermaus, and I was wondering if you'd like to keep her company this evening?" " Sure." "You got it." "Great!" " Oh, good." " Me, Fledermaus, great." "I really?" "Ohh!" "Yes of course, thank you, thank you, thank you so very much." "So..." "So?" " Gloves?" " Ohh!" "Right!" "Right, sorry, I'll be right back!" " Uhh, actually y'know what, I kinda?" "I have to take off." " Oh." "But, I was curious. do you have any plans for tonight?" "No!" "Nothing!" "I invested in this night-club and it's opening tonight, would you like to come?" "Yeah!" "That would be great!" "You're into hardcore SM right?" "Well, I-I guess?" "I..." "Kidding!" "I'm gonna get there early, but I'm going to put you on the V.I.P list, okay?" "Look for me." " Yeah, great, you betcha!" " I'll see youtonight." " Okay" "I almost forget the tickets, didn't I?" "What?" "For you and Emily, tonight, Die Fledermaus." "Oh." "Oh, right." "I think you'll like it, it has two out of the three tenors." "Oh yay!" "Y'know, I can't believe Kathy did this too me." "I really, thought that she was the one." "I tell you what, from now on I'm never getting out of this chair, ever!" "Okay?" "From now on, this chair is the one!" "You wanna what else is the one?" "My sweat pants!" "Come on, man!" "Just-just take the sweats off." "Okay?" "Just take 'em off and we'll have some fun." " Hey-hey!" " Hi!" " Hey!" " Catch any big fish?" " Oh my God, you guys have no idea." " Oh!" "God!" "Wow!" " You stink!" " Are you kidding?" "!" "Yeah, three days on the lake without a shower." "Plus!" "I fell in that big tub of worms at the bait stand!" "Hey, how-how's he doing?" "He hasn't gotten out of that chair in two days." "Hey buddy!" "How's it going?" "Hey, see that?" "He just needed his pal to come home." "All right, uh, I've got to go memorise my lines." "Me and Charlton Heston bright and early tomorrow morning!" "Yeah-yeah!" " Hey!" " Hey!" "Hey, Monica!" "Uh-oh, what's the matter?" "Ohh, it's Joshua invited me to this fancy club opening tonight." "But, I already told Mr. Waltham that I would take his niece to this dumb old opera." "So..." "What are you gonna do?" "I don't know sweetie." "No!" "Help me!" "I can't!" "I have to work!" "Phoebe?" " I would, but I get my morning sickness in the evening." " Ugh!" "Unless!" "She wants to spend the night holding my hair back for me." "Ohh, gosh." "You guys, come on, this is?" "I have to meet Joshua!" "This is my one chance for him to see the fun Rachel." "Y'know the "Wouldn't it be great if she was my wife" Rachel." "Ohh, all right!" "Are Joey and Chandler back?" "No, Chandler's still in Phase One, and Joey's that thing you smell." "Ohh!" "Hi!" "Hi!" "So...." "No." "Ohhhh, come on!" "I think she's here." "No!" "Wait!" "Wait-wait!" "Ross, please!" "You want me to take some girl I've never met to the opera so you can go to a club and flirt with some guy, hmm, that-that is a toughie." "Ohh, she's looking down the hall." "Oh!" "She looked right at me!" "Oh wait, you can't see people through that little hole, can you?" "Hello!" "Hello!" " I'll be right there!" " Okay, Ross, please come on!" "I thought we have moved on!" "I thought we've gotten to a place where we could be happy for each other!" "was that just me?" " All right, I'll do it." " Oh thank you!" "Thank you, thank you, thank you!" "Emily?" "Yes." "I'm Rachel Green." "Thank goodness." "There's been a teeny-teeny change in plans." "It turns out that I'm not free tonight." "So..." "Really?" "!" "Well, that's just lovely, isn't it?" "I must've missed your call, even though I didn't leave the flat all day." " Oh well, no I..." " Oh, no-no-no, that's not rude!" "It's perfectly in keeping with a trip that I've already been run down by one of your wiener carts, and been strip-searched at John F. Kennedy Airport, apparently to you people, I look like someone who's got a balloon full of cocaine stuffed up their bum." "I-I-I think you look great." "Good night, it was very nice to meet you all." "I'll get her." "Please hurry." "just love the way they talk?" "!" " Ohh!" " What?" "It kicked!" "I think the baby kicked!" "Oh my God!" "Oh no wait, oh no, the elastic on my underwear busted." "Oh my God!" "I overslept!" "I was supposed to be on the set a half an hour ago!" "I gotta get out of here!" "Oh wait, Joey, you can't go like that!" "You stink!" "Look, I know I feel asleep before I could shower and now I don't have time!" "They're just ten blocks away, if I run, I can make it." "Yeah." "Run ten blocks, that'll help the smell." "Hey?" "whoa, slow down." "No, keep moving." "Wow!" "So?" "How did it go with Joshua last night?" "Well, I didn't see Joshua, but I did punch a girl in the face." " What?" " Why?" "The whole night was horrible, it was pouring down rain, and when I got there, there was no Rachel Green on the list, but there was a Rachel Greep." "Ohh!" "So, did you get to meet her?" "No, there is no Rachel Greep, but then this other girl overheard us and she was all," ""I'm Rachel Greep!" "I'm Rachel Greep!" and he let her right in." "So you hit her in the face?" "No, she was already in, but then this big bitch behind me tried to steal my umbrella, so I clocked her." "Ohhh!" "I can't believe this, all I wanted was a few hours outside of work to see Joshua, so he can go ahead and start falling in love with me." "Aww, Pheebs." "Honey, that's you're name." "That's short for Phoebe?" "!" "I thought that was just what we called each other!" "Hey!" "You're wearing pants!" "That's right!" "Where are the guys?" "I'm ready to get drunk and see some strippers." "It's 9:30 in the morning!" "They got a breakfast buffet." "Hello." "Oh, hey Ross!" "Ooh, let me talk to him!" " Oh-oh, my God!" " Well, can I just..." " Shh!" "Wait, what?" " She's shhing me!" "It's my phone and she's shhing me!" " Shhh!" "Please!" "What's he saying?" "He's with Emily at a Bed and Breakfast in Vermont!" " What?" "Oh my God!" " What?" "Who the hell is Emily?" "noooo!" "They're in Vermont!" "How could this happen?" "!" "Ow!" "How?" "how did end up in Vermont with that awful witch?" "!" "Maybe, she doesn't hit him all the time." "When we first met her, she was soaking, her feet were wet!" "Who wouldn't be miserable?" "I'm telling you when I got her into a dry pair of shoes, she was a totally different person." "Ross!" "Come quickly!" "There's a deer just outside eating fruit from the orchard!" "I've gotta go, there's a deer just outside eating fruit from the orchard!" "He had to go, there's a deer just outside eating fruit from the orchard." "I don't get this!" "She was horrible!" "Okay, I'm going to go stand over there." "Why do you care so much anyway?" "I don't care!" "All right, y'know what I'm just upset that I'm getting nowhere with Joshua that?" "y'know what still, you do not meet someone and go flitting off to Vermont!" "Well, when you first met Barry, you flitted off to Vail." "Oh, y'know, would you just for once, not remember every..." "little...thing!" "So y'know, uh, when's he getting back?" "A couple of days." "Y'know, I knew something like this was going to happen." "What are you doing?" "!" "Chandler!" "You can't just go back a phase!" "Yes you can." "You're thinking about time, you can't go back in time." "Well, look, why don't you just, why don't you do your Phase Two strip club thing with us." "Yeah, come on, we can be guys!" "No you can't." "Come on!" "Let us be guys!" "Maybe we want to be guys!" "You don't want to be guys, you'd be all hairy and wouldn't live as long." "Y'know you, you just stop being such a wuss and get those off and you come with us and watch naked girls dance around!" "Okay." "I'm sorry." "Hey!" "Joey Tribbiani!" "I'm here!" "I'm here!" "Calm down, we got time, we're running a little late." "Look at that, Charlton Heston eating a liquorice whip!" "Yeah, we loves 'em." "I've never seen him with?" "Whoa!" "Yeah, what the hell is that?" "What smells so bad?" "You." "I can see why you think that, but ah, actually, you know who I think it is?" "You?" "No-no, it's uh, it's Heston." "What?" "Yeah, the man wreaks!" "Smells like he went on a three day fishing trip and then ate some liquorice." "There's no way he smells, he's the only one around here with a shower in his dressing room" "Really, a shower huh?" "And uh, which-which room might that be?" "The one with "Heston" on it." "Interesting." "Okay, I've got some Ones, you wanna put them in her panties?" "No thanks, Mom!" "Oh, no umm, hi, that-that, you have to put that out, 'cause I'm pregnant." "Well, maybe you and your baby should go to another strip club." "Ha-ha, it's not my baby, ha-ha-ha!" " Very good, so good." " I really, really enjoyed it." "Very exotic." "Well, I just checked our messages and Joshua didn't call." "you'd think he'd be worried about me not showing up at his club." "Ugh, you know what makes it so much worse, Ross is all happy in Vermont!" "Come on!" "Look where you are!" "When you get a sec, another round of daiquiris." "Remember, a virgin for me please." "Oh!" "And don't let me leave without getting the name of that carpet guy." "Ahh, come on!" "Y'know what?" "y'know what, I think I'm just gonna go home and call Kathy." "if you think it will help." "No!" "That was a test!" "In a couple of hours I'm gonna get really drunk and wanna call Kathy and you guys are gonna have to stop me!" "And then after that, I'm gonna get so drunk, I'm gonna wanna call Janice" " You should!" "How is she?" " Ohhh!" "I think somebody needs another lap dance." "Hello!" "Who's in there?" "How ya doin'?" "Who in the hell are you?" "I guess you wouldn't believe me if I said I was Kurt Douglas, huh?" "Put some pants on kid so I can kick your butt." "No-no-no, no, no, wait." "You see, I'm an actor," "Joey Tribbiani, I'm doing a scene with you today, and well, I stink." "You're in this picture?" "Yeah-yeah, I'm one of the cops that won't work with you 'cause you a lose cannon." "Anyway, look, I'm really sorry, but I stink!" "Joey, right?" "Yeah." "Every actor at one time or another?" "opp!" "Every actor thinks he stinks, even Lawrence Oliver at sometimes thought he stank, Bob Redford won't even watch himself." "Oh no-no-no, you don't understand..." " Listen to me!" " Oh yeah, yeah." "I don't know one actor worth his salt one time in his career didn't say "God, I stink!" Hell," "I just did a scene out there, first take, I stunk the place up." "But, the important thing you must remember, no matter how badly you think you stink, you must never, ever bust into my dressing room and use my shower!" "Do you understand me?" "!" "Yes sir!" "Yes sir, I'm-I'm?" "Wait a minute!" "Take your pants." "Yeah." "Oh, yeah." "So, we did okay at the strip club, right?" "Oh yeah, that was great." "Thanks to you, the hottest cocktail waitress there is quitting to teach the third grade!" "I can't believe it!" "He still hasn't called." "Who, Josh?" "It's Joshua." "What, he doesn't like Josh?" "No, I don't." "All right, well I'm gonna put my sweats back on." "Oh no!" "Wait!" "Wait!" "Okay, y'know what, you were right, you were right." "We really weren't great at being guys, but you know why?" "Because we're girls." " Yeah?" " Okay. do you know what girls are really good at?" "Stripping!" "No, listening!" "Sit!" "Y'know, maybe it would just really, really help if you would just talk." "Yeah, come on!" "What's going in on in there?" "Yeah." "And y'know, if you wanna cry, that's okay too." "Okay, look, I'm gonna have to ask you all to leave." "Come on!" "Chandler!" "Look, forget it." "We tried, but Phase Three is a lost cause, Okay?" "Those strippers were insanely hot, and I couldn't picture myself with any of them." " They really were pretty, weren't they?" " Oh!" "who?" "Yeah, I really liked that fighter pilot one." "Oh, Candy!" "She was so spunky!" "Yeah." "Y'know, I think if I were going to be with a woman." "It'd, it'd be with someone like Michelle, she was so oh, she was so petite." "See, I don't know, for me it would have to Chantal." " Oh, Chantal!" " Y'know?" " oh my goodness she had the smoothest skin!" "I mean when I stuck that dollar bill in her g-string and grazed her thigh..." "Phase Three!" "I just achieved Phase Three!" "Really?" "!" "I am totally picturing you with all those women!" "That's-that's not Phase Three." "Well, I'm there too!" "Well, are we all together?" "Like in a group?" "Stop it!" "You're killing me!" "I think I just moved on to Phase Four!" "Oh!" "What is that?" "What is that?" "Where I don't want to have a relationship ever!" "I just want to have sex with strippers and my friends!" "Come on, let me see that smile." "I don't wanna." "Please?" "I wanted to go to the strip club!" "I know, I know, but you're gonna have plenty of chances." "There are literally thousands of women out there just waiting to screw me over." "Yeah, all right." " Hey!" " Hey!" " Hey?" "ooh so, how was Vermont?" "Emily is...incredible." "I mean there-there are no words to describe her, the whole weekend was like a dream." " Oh!" "And you!" "Rach!" " Oh, hey!" "Hey!" "You were so right!" "What?" "Uh, what you said, about us being in a place where we could finally be happy for each other." "I mean, I, I-I admit I-I wasn't quite there." "Y'know, I mean the thought of you and that-that Josh guy..." "Joshua." "Joshua...guy at that club, dancing and having a good time, the thought of it kinda...y'know." " Yeah, I..." " But now!" "I'm there!" "I'm totally there!" "I'm-I'm finally where you are!" "Oh, thank goodness!" "Yeah, and-and thank you for Emily." "Oh, no problem." "I'm so glad I could help." "Y'know?" "Happy for you." "Happy for you." "No, happy for you!" "All right ladies, here's what we're gonna do." "You are gonna take off my clothes." "You two, go get the oils." "And you just constantly scream at the top of your voice, "Chandler's the king!" "Chandler's the king!"" "I-I wanna be with her, I like her." "Oh, that's fine!" "Go with your instincts, go with your instincts." "Wait, now, what am I doing again?" "Come on!" "Would you please pay attention, I could wake up at any moment!" "Hi, I'm Joshua, I'm here to pick up Rachel." "No-no-no, that' not Joshua." "I've never met the guy." "So anyway, Rachel, I'm sorry you can't stay, but the rest of us have a lot of work to do." "What are you doing?" "All right, listen, I've got to wake up!"