"Stuart?" "Yes?" "Did you leave this paper rose on my desk?" "No." "oh." "Actually it isn't a rose." "It's a camellia." "In the language of flowers... a white camellia means perfect loveliness." "At least, that's what I've read." "Well, then..." "The person who left this for me... must be a sensitive and caring soul." "Is it just me... or is love blooming among the nerd set?" "I don't know." "The only time I've ever seen a look like that... was just before Bambi's mother caught that bullet." "What a movie they'd make." "It's Minkus in Love." "Watch what happens... when 48 pounds of near-sighted geek... meets 10 pounds of hair from a parallel universe." "Ha!" "Ha!" "I think people who judge other people... by their outward appearances are shallow and ignorant... and will have much to answer for in their next life." "That may be the way it works on Remulak... but here on Earth-- you're a nerd, you pay." "[Bell rings]" "Good morning, class." "I trust you all had a good weekend." "I sure did." "My mom baked brownies... and my dad rented two monster movie videos." "I sold blood." "This morning we have a guest lecturer." "The school board feels... that since you're all starting the seventh grade next year... it would behoove you... to have an advanced taste of the experience." "[Knocking]" "Eric?" "Cory!" "Mr. Matthews?" "Mr. Feeny?" "oh." "I thought the school said... they were sending over good students." "Nice." "The problem with smart kids... is they all have goals to pursue." "I'm just looking to get out of Algebra." "Lucky me." "Proceed." "Hi, kids, I'm Eric." "I'm in the 10th grade at Adams High... the school you'll all be going to next year." "At least all of us who pass." "Hey, Minkus, pass this." "[Raspberry]" "Please, class, give Mr. Matthews your attention." "Matthews?" "oh, yeah, I'm Cory's older brother." "I got the good hair." "Anyway, next year you guys will be seventh graders... or, as we upper classmen will be calling you... phlegmballs." "Now, there's gonna be a few things... you're gonna need to know for survival... on the mean streets of high school." "Will the exam process be more rigorous?" "Yeah, uh..." "Parties are gonna be a lot better, too... because you can stay out later." "All right!" "And, of course, cool clothes are a must." "For that young detention sitter on the go." "Yeah." "Uh, you're gonna want to know... where the parking lot is, too... because that's Where the most popular kids hang." "And you're gonna want to hang with them... unless, of course... you want to look like a complete nerd." "Ha ha ha!" "No offense, Mink." "I have a question." "Who cares?" "This isn't like home, Eric." "In here, when I raise my hand, you have to answer." "I do?" "I do, too." "All right, now next year when you're 16... and driving to school... would you be willing to give a ride... to a certain few select phlegmballs?" "Do I have to?" "I Wouldn't." "Drop dead." "What do I owe you?" "[Theme music plays]" "TOPANGA:" "I have some freshly baked brownies here..." "I thought you might enjoy." "Thanks for dropping them off." "I thought perhaps I could stay here... and enjoy them with you." "Milk's in the fridge, babe." "Hey, not bad." "My sister Nebby made them." "Nebby?" "Don't you mean Debbie?" "No, Nebby." "It's short for Nebula" "Nebula Stopthewar Lawrence." "So your parents thought, like, what..." "Linda was already taken?" "Hey, cool braid." "You like it?" "I can put one in your hair." "You can?" "Sure." "Do you have some ribbons and a rubber band?" "Upstairs in my room." "You know, I'd like to see more of her... and less of him." "What?" "Comes over with the brownies... tries to get in good with your sister." "So?" "So..." "CoryandTopanga" "Sittinginatree" "K-i-s-s-i-n-g" "No way." "Minkus wants her." "And yet she's not over at Minkus' house... unloading brownies." "What are you saying, Shawn?" "Cory, it all has to start somewhere." "See, Minkus gets squishy about Topanga." "Topanga gets squishy about you." "one day your solid as a rock... the next day..." "Squish." "Topanga does not have a squish on me." "She brought you brownies, dude." "Ipso facto, love-o you-o." "Hi, guys." "Ah, reinforcement snacks." "It doesn't look like you're starving to death." "Hey." "Eric, your can runneth over." "Garbage again?" "I just took it out last week." "Mommy!" "Mommy, look!" "Topanga made my hair pretty." "She sure did." "Yep." "Brownies, braids-- she does it all... but, uh, now she has to do it all at home." "But I was hoping I could stay." "You can't." "We're over the legal hair limit... of this room." "Well, that wasn't very polite." "I can't afford to be polite, Mom." "I'm polite..." "Squish." "I hear a lot of men... treat the women they love like that." "I'll kill you, Shawn." "We got a little girlfriend action going on here?" "Yep." "No." "CoryandTopanga" "Sittinginatree" "A-B-C-D-E-F-G" "[Whistling]" "Mr. Matthews, we seem to be on similar missions." "Hey, Mr. Feeny... how'd your class like my little pep talk today?" "The class found you amusing and entertaining." "But you didn't." "on the contrary." "I found you both amusing and entertaining." "I didn't, however, find you very informative." "Everything I told them about the parties and clothes is true." "Well, that may be... but you didn't tell them the whole truth." "Like What?" "Well, like...up until now... they've lived in a small, protected environment." "Next year it'll be like moving out of a small town... into a big city." "It's just a bigger school." "How easy is it to get drugs?" "I don't do drugs." "But if you wanted to?" "Pretty easy." "Alcohol?" "Easier." "Cigarettes?" "oh, come on, Mr. Feeny." "I didn't want... to bring them down with stuff like that." "I mean I wanted to give them something to look forward to." "Mr. Matthews, do you consider yourself popular... an influential voice in high school?" "Look, Mr. Feeny, I'm no role model." "Yes, but the moment you stepped into that classroom... you became one." "That Was the Worst macaroni and cheese..." "I've ever tasted." "You going to finish yours?" "You're a pig, you know that?" "Hey, I'm in a growth spurt." "I need fuel." "Yeah, well, those of us who sit near you... don't like the exhaust fumes." "oh, look." "Here comes the future Mrs. Cory Matthews." "Hello, Cory." "Cory's not here." "My sister rented a videotape..." "I thought you might be interested in seeing." "He left." "You just missed him." "GodziLLa Goes to college." "Whoa." "That's the one where Godzilla scarfs down UCLA." "Yeah." "When can we borrow it?" "You can't." "It's my sister's tape." "She said I can't let it out of my sight." "oK, what time should we be over at your house?" "our VCR is broken." "I'll have to bring it to your house." "All right, how about 4:00?" "4:00 is good for me." "That will give me time to get home and get ready." "Get ready?" "I mean get the tape." "That's all." "Bye." "oh, man, she's got a thang for you." "What do I care?" "All I want from her is brownies and videos." "You maggot." "Huh?" "All these years pretending to be my close friend." "Close?" "As in Philadelphia is close to..." "Neptune?" "All so you could get to her." "Her, Topanga?" "I don't think so." "oh, please." "The whole school's talking about you two." "What?" "I ate a couple brownies." "I said I'd Watch a video." "Aren't you forgetting the trip to Acapulco?" "What?" "I embellished." "Do you really care about her... or are you just doing this to humiliate me?" "I give up." "Take it, Shawn." "Minkus..." "Want to play walnut?" "Your bodyguard can't be with you... 24 hours a day, Matthews." "Be afraid..." "Be very afraid." "I've got two words for you..." "Antiperspirant." "That's 3 Words." "What's going on here?" "I don't want girls to like me." "Why is everything changing?" "Hey, Topanga forgot her notebook." "Want to trash it?" "I got a little macaroni and cheese left." "Naw, she'll probably think it's some type of love code." "oh, why do I have to be so attractive?" "oh, look." "It's a heart with a name doodled in swirly things." ""Mrs. Matthews."" "Give me a break." ""Mrs. Topanga Matthews."" "ooh..." ""Mrs. Eric Matthews."" "Would you get off my" "What?" "Eric, I'm glad I caught you." "We got to talk." "Not now." "I'm headed down to the video arcade." "Play games some other time." "This is important." "Hey, this is important, too." "Eric, somebody's in love with you." "oh, yeah?" "Who?" "Topanga Lawrence." "You know, that hair in the front row... with the girl attached?" "We're talking about a sixth grader?" "Later." "I'm telling you, Eric, she loves you." "Look, she's 1 1." "She's too young... to have feelings like that." "Minkus is only 1 1, and he loves her." "Will you stop saying that word?" "Nobody loves anybody." "I mean...you're babies." "You're too young to understand... the pain of love, the agony of love... the seamy underbelly of love." "You're not going to fully understand it... until you're...1 5." "Like you?" "I understood it at 14, but, hey, I was a natural." "Look, Eric, you got to kiss her off." "Get her out of your life and mine." "She's not in mine." "Well, she's going to be." "You know, it sounds like you're jealous." "oh, yeah." "I'm jealous." "That's just what I want, to be Topanga's boyfriend... and then we can name our children..." "Chewbacca and Plankton." "oK, I'll get rid of her." "What do you want me to say?" "All right, she's coming over in a little while." "Tell her that We both think she's scum... and that I'm politically incoherent." "lncorrect." "There you go." "All right." "I'll let her down easy... but they're usually pretty crushed... so when you hear the doorbell... call someone to pick up the pieces, ok?" "Hey." "Hey." "Your mom told me... you're having a little confab about a girl." "Not any normal girl, a totally weird girl" "Topanga Lawrence." "Well, I bet most girls... seem a little weird to you at this age." "Come on, Dad." "You don't understand." "I'm not talking "I'm a guy... and I don't understand girls."" "I'm talking really, truly weird." "She eats sandwiches made out of brown rice... and has a sister named Nebula." "Well, what seems to be the problem... between you and this girl?" "No problem." "See, I thought she had a crush on me." "She kept hanging around and doing things for me." "And you liked that." "No, I hated it... but then I found out she really likes Eric." "And you were relieved." "No." "Disappointed?" "No." "Confused." "See, Dad?" "You always know." "Well, get used to being confused, pal... because girls are going to be rattling your cage... for the next 60 years." "Till I'm 71?" "Yeah, but then you get a break." "You do?" "Yeah." "You die." "[Doorbell rings]" "Topanga, right?" "Have a seat." "Uh, yeah, that's an interesting way to go... but I was thinking couch." "Whatever you want." "So what's that?" "Movie." "GodziLLa Goes to college!" "Cory's gonna love this!" "He loves monster flicks." "oh, he really loved those brownies you brought over, too." "I mean, uh, you must really like him a lot... to do all those nice things for him." "He's very nice... in a young kind of way." "Um, see, that's why you two get along so well... because you're young, too." "No." "I've done my chart." "I have a very old soul." "Uh, yeah, here's a tip for you, Topanga." "Not a lot of guys are going to be after your soul." "When you were talking to us in class... you know what I noticed?" "What?" "Your aura was glowing." "Be that as it may... my aura's too old for you to be looking at." "I don't understand." "It's because you're not ready to understand." "I am ready." "You're not." "oK, I was wrong." "Huh, maybe you are ready." "Look, Cory told me about you... and he told me you're very smart." "I don't have to be smart." "No." "Look, you're going to have to be smart... because there are a lot of guys out there... that won't take aura for an answer." "What do you mean?" "I mean, you've known me for, like, 5 minutes... and you think you like me because you thought I was cute and who could blame you?" "But a real relationship... is based on so much more than looks." "And if you're old enough to have these feelings... then you should know that." "[Doorbell rings]" "You are so wise." "Yes, I am." "And that wisdom comes from knowing... that if you have a relationship based on looks... it's stupid and superfiicial." "Hi, I'm Topanga's sister." "Hi, I'm stupid and superficial." "Cory called and said Topanga wasn't feeling well... and wanted to come home." "No, she's feeling fine." "Nobody has to go anywhere." "I mean, just look at her." "I think I'd like to go home." "Is she gone?" "oh, no." "More hair." ""There are strange things done in the midnight sun..." ""By the men who moil for gold." ""The arctic trails have their secret tales..." ""That would make your blood run cold." ""The northern lights have seen queer sights..." ""But the queerest they ever did see..." ""Was that night on the marge of Lake Lebarge..." "I cremated Sam McGee."" "Cool!" ""Now Sam McGee was from Tennessee..." ""Where the cotton blooms and blows." ""Why he left his home in the South... to roam around the Pole, God only knows."" "Burn him!" "[Knock on door]" "Mr." "Feeny?" "Um, may I come in?" "of course." "Uh, could I speak to your class?" "Be my guest." "This better be good, Eric." "He was about to toast this guy." "So, uh, a couple of days ago..." "I pretty much covered the big high school picture... but, uh, I left out one little tiny detail." "You've all known each other since..." "like, kindergarten." "But next year there's gonna be... maybe 9 or 10 other sixth grade classes... from different schools... making up your seventh grade class... and you're not gonna know all those kids." "A lot of them are gonna think differently than you." "What do you mean?" "Well, do you smoke cigarettes?" "No." "A lot of kids in your new school will." "A lot of them are gonna try to pressure you into it." "They're gonna tell how cool it is to smoke." "You want to be cool, don't you?" "More than you could ever know." "Maybe you'll smoke." "I don't think so." "Why not?" "Because according to New EngLand journal of Medicine... smoking reduces lung capacity..." "leads to emphysema... and causes heart attack and lung cancer." "Well, what if she thought it was cool?" "Then would you smoke?" "In a heartbeat." "Welcome to the world of peer pressure." "So he smokes." "Do you think that's cool?" "I think anyone who smokes is a disgusting pig." "I'm trying to quit." "WeLL. it's not that easy." "Minkus." "There's all kinds of pressure." "I mean, what about alcohol?" "Could you use somebody else as an example, please?" "Sure." "What about alcohol?" "What about it?" "What about drugs?" "Hey, calm down, Eric." "We're not into that stuff." "All we like is baseball and comic books." "Yeah, that's what you like now." "But that's going to change... just like you're changing schools." "Just like you're going to start feeling... a lot of new stuff inside you... you're not really gonna understand." "How do you know?" "Because you're growing up." "Some of you have already started." "MINKUS:" "She Loves me..." "She Loves me not." "She loves me..." "She loves me not." "This is absurd." "This isn't rational or logical at all." "She loves me..." "She loves me not." "Look at him." "The love bomb has blown his head off." "This is big." "This love thing could kill us if we let it." "You and I have to make a deal right now." "Let everyone else go nuts." "We stay the same." "Forever." "Excuse me." "I'm new here." "How do I get to the principal's office?" "We have a deal." "We have a deal." "The principal's office?" "I've been there a million times." "I know exactly where it is." "I'll take you." "We have a deal!" "We have a deal!" "[Reading French]" "Monsieur Minkus... if we could understand what you were saying... we wouldn't need your help for the French test." "Pardonnez moi." "I will speak English." "You will please answer in French." ""The chicken."" ""Le poulet. "" "[Corrects pronunciation] Le poulet." ""The frog."" "[Mispronounces] La green oil." "La grenouille." "Minkus, come on." "There's 10 letters here... and you're only using 5 of them." "Au contraire." "The final "E" is silent." "The double "L" ls like the Spanish "Ye"." "And the diphthong creates a "W" sound." "It's very simple." "No, Minkus, you know what's simple?" "Frog." "Yeah, the f-r-o is pronounced "Fra"." "And the "G" ls like the English "Ga"." "Why can't these French guys... just speak English like normal people?" "Who cares how the French talk?" "I like how they kiss." "Wait a minute." "They kiss differently, too?" "Let me put it this way, boys." "The tongue is not silent." "Eeyeuw!" "Eeyeuw?"