"Hello." "I am Andy." "And I would like to thank you for coming to my movie." "I wish it was better, you know." "But it is so stupid." "It's terrible." "I do not even like it." "All of the most important things in my life are changed around and mixed up for dramatic purposes." "So I decided to cut out all of the baloney." "Now, the movie is much shorter." "In fact, this is the end of the movie." "Thank you very much." "I am not fooling." "Good-bye." "Go." "Well, you're still here." "Okay!" "I hope you're not upset." "I did that to get rid of those folks who just wouldn't understand me." "And don't even want to try!" "Actually, the movie is really great." "It's just filled with colorful characters, like the one I just did and the one I'm doing now." "Our story begins back in Great Neck, Long Island." "This is our house." "And that's my father's old car." "That's my father." "That's my little brother, Michael." "That's my little sister, Carol." "And that's my mom." "Janice, Andy's up in his room?" "Yeah." "Mr. Bear is saying that Mrs. Cat made his head fall off." "Mrs. Bear is saying, she saw it, and it's not true." "Today's special guest, Mr. Bear." "What's up, Mr. Bear?" "Andy?" "Son, this has got to stop." "Our house is not a television station." "There's not a camera in that wall." "I mean, this is not healthy." "You should be outside, playing sports." "But I have my own sports show." "Andy, you know that's not what I meant." "I'm gonna put my foot down." "No more playing alone." "You want to perform, you have got to have an audience." "They're right there!" "That is not an audience." "That is plaster." "An audience is made of people." "People who live and breathe." "Andy Kaufman and Howdy Doody present, The Animal Song!" "Now, I'm gonna say the animal, and then you tell me what it says, okay?" "Okay." ""The cow goes" ""Moo" ""And the cat goes" ""Meow, meow" ""And the bird goes" ""Tweet, tweet" ""Tweet, tweet" ""And the lion goes" ""Roar" ""And the dog goes" ""And the cat goes" ""Meow" ""And the bird goes" ""Tweet" ""And the pig goes" ""Oink" ""And that's the way it goes"" "The comedy stylings of Andy Kaufman, ladies and gentlemen." "So, Mr. Besserman, same spot tomorrow?" "I don't know, Andy." "I think I have to let you go." "You're firing me?" "You don't even pay me." "I don't want to seem insulting, but your act is like Amateur Hour." "You're doing sing-alongs for 6-year-olds, puppets that aren't funny, playing records." "But it's totally original." "I mean, no one's ever done it." "I'm not like everyone else." "Everybody else gets this place cooking." "It was cooking." "There was a man over here that was really upset." "He stormed out, and many people left in the middle of your act." "I can't sell booze to people walking out." "It's just about booze, not comedy or art." "I can't sell booze when you sing, Pop Goes the Weasel." "Booze is all that matters." "I'm running a business here." "It's show business." "Show." "Business." "Show." "Business." "Without the "business" there's no "show."" "And there's no show for you." "What do you want me to do?" ""Take my wife, please! "" "Well, at least it's a joke." "Try some jokes." "Like:" "Why did the Siamese twins go to England?" "I don't know." "Why did they go to England?" "So the other one could drive." "Why doesn't the other one just learn how to drive?" "Maybe that one isn't for you, but do jokes about the traffic." "Do impressions." "Maybe some blue material." "Thank you very much." "Good night!" "IMPROVISATION" "Now?" "Thank you very much." "One thing I do not like is too much traffic." "You know?" "Tonight I had to come from..." "And the freeway, it was so much traffic." "It took me an hour and a half to get here." "But, talking about the terrible things..." "My wife, take my wife." "Please take her!" "No." "I'm only kidding." "I love my wife." "But she don't know how to cook." "Her cooking is so bad." "It's terrible." "Now, I would like to do for you...  ... the imitations." "I would like to start with Jimmy Carter." "The President of the United States." "Hello." "I am Jimmy Carter...  ... the President of the United States." "Thank you very much." "Now, I would like to do for you...  ... the Elvis Presley." ""Well, it's one for the money Two for the show" ""Three to get ready Now go, cat, go" ""But don't you step on my blue suede shoes" ""You can do anything but lay off of my blue suede shoes" ""Let's go, cat! "" "Budd, what's the story with this guy?" "I think he's from Lithuania." ""Well, it's a blue, blue suede shoes baby" ""Well, it's a blue, blue suede shoes baby" ""You can do anything but lay off of my blue suede shoes" ""Oh well, we were dancin'" ""We were dancin' to the Jailhouse Rock" ""All right! "" "Thank you very much." "Hey, I really enjoyed your set." "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to startle you." "I really liked what you did out there." "Thank you very much." "So, I understand you're from Lithuania." "No." "I am from Caspiar." "Caspiar, huh?" "It is a very small island in the Caspian Sea." "It sunk." "I'm sorry." "Well, look, I'm probably out of my mind but I think you're very interesting, and if you ever need representation we should talk." "Okay." ""George Shapiro."" "Mr. Shapiro!" "It is an honor, sir." "Caspiar, huh?" "I want to be the biggest star in the world." "People love comedians." "I'm not a comedian." "I don't do jokes." "I don't know what's funny." "I'm a song-and-dance man." "Yeah." "Thank you." "I particularly suggest the lotus root." "You show a lot of promise, and my concern is I don't know where to book you." "You're not a standup and your act doesn't exactly translate itself to film, so..." "So, help me." "Where do you see yourself?" "I've always wanted to play Carnegie Hall." "That's funny." "See, I don't want to go for cheap laughs." "I want real gut reactions." "I want the audience to have gone through an experience." "They love me, they hate me, they walk out." "It's all great!" "Andy, you got a little something." "When I'm famous, I'm gonna sell these." ""As worn by Andy Kaufman."" "You can have this one." "It's probably gonna be worth a lot 'cause it was actually up my nose." "You're insane!" "But you might also be brilliant." "HOLLYWOOD" "Hello?" "George Shapiro here." "Yeah." "Is this George Shapiro?" "Yeah, speaking." "Speaking!" "Reeking, seeking, creaking." "Freaking." "Big freakin' deal!" "Tell me somethin' I don't know, toadstool!" "Can I help you with something?" "Yeah, you stay away from Andy Kaufman...  ... if you know what's good for you!" "Crankshaft!" "Who is this?" "Do not twist my noodle, toy poodle!" "This is Tony Clifton!" "A name to respect!" "A name to fear!" "And Kaufman is a lying bastard!" "He is a psychopath!" "Now, slowly open your eyes." "You should feel rested, relaxed and alert." "I would like to thank you, Your Holiness." "My heart is radiating pure energy." " Okay." " No, wait." "I'm sorry." "I have a question." "Is there a secret to being funny?" "Yes." "Silence." "APPLAUSE" "Welcome back to Saturday Night Live." "And now...  ... as a special treat on our first show, musical guest, Andy Kaufman!" "APPLAUSE" "What's wrong with this guy?" "This is dead air." ""Mr. Trouble never hangs around" ""When he hears this mighty sound" ""Here I come to save the day!" ""That means that Mighty Mouse is on his way" ""Yes, sir, when there is a wrong to right" ""Mighty Mouse will join the fight" ""On the sea or on the land" ""He gets the situation well in hand" ""So though we are in danger we never despair" ""'Cause we know that where there's danger, he is there" ""He is there!" "On the land!" "On the sea!" "In the air!" ""We're not worrying at all" ""We're just listening for his call" ""Here I come to save the day!" ""That means that Mighty Mouse is on the way! "" "Mr. Kaufman?" "Hi." " Right this way, please." " Okay." "George is expecting you." "Andy." "Thanks for coming out." " Thank you, George." " Come on, sit down." " Which one?" " Either one." "They're both red." "This one, I guess." "So, did you have a nice flight?" "I did." "I had a really good flight." "And the stewardess was very nice and she allowed me to keep my headphones." "That's terrific!" "Yeah!" "Andy." "I got something better." " You do?" " Yeah." "This is big." "Okay." "Okay?" "Okay." "You are getting a once-in-a-lifetime, very lucrative opportunity to star on a prime time network sitcom!" "A sitcom?" "Yeah!" "And this is a class act." "It all takes place in a taxi stand." "And you're gonna be the Fonzie." "Fonzie?" "No." "The Fonzie." "The crazy breakout character who all the kids imitate and they put them on the lunch boxes." "I hate sitcoms, George." "I've never liked them." "These guys have seen your foreign-man character." "And they want to turn him into a lovable, goofy mechanic named Latka." "No." " No?" " No." "No to which part?" "No to the whole thing." "It doesn't sound good to me." "Andy, this is every comedian's dream!" "I'm not a comedian, George." "And sitcoms are the lowest form of entertainment." "I mean, it's just stupid jokes and canned laughter!" "And you don't know why it's there, but it's there." "It's dead people laughing, did you know that?" "Those people are dead!" "Andy, this is classy." "I don't care." "I want to generate my own material." "Look, listen." "Listen to me." "I've been in this business for 20 years, Andy!" "I know, I've seen this!" "I know this!" "If you pass up this opportunity, you will never never see another one like it again." "Never!" "Okay." "I'll do it." "But I have some terms." "Sure." "That's what negotiations are all about." "What are you doing?" "I'm writing out my terms." "Are you making fun of me?" "Those are my terms." "This is ridiculous, Andy!" "It's what I need to do the show." "What is this?" ""Four guaranteed guest spots for Tony Clifton."" "Who's Tony Clifton?" "He's a Vegas lounge singer." "I used to do impressions of him, and we kinda got into a fight over it." "This Clifton called me!" "He did?" "He's a loon!" "He hates you!" "No." "He just talks tough." "But I owe him." "And if I'm the new Fonz, then ABC is just gonna have to give me what I want!" ""Mr. Kaufman will only appear in half the episodes of Taxi." ""Mr. Kaufman requires an undisturbed 90 minutes of meditation prior to filming." ""Mr. Kaufman gets his own network special." ""And Taxi must guarantee four guest appearances for Tony Clifton."" "Who?" "Tony Clifton." "Who the hell is Tony Clifton?" "I don't know." "And now, Mama Rivoli's is proud to present...  ... an international singing sensation!" "Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Tony Clifton!" "Come on." "Ladies and gentlemen  due to Mr. Clifton's vocal constraints, out of respect for him...  ... he asks you to please extinguish your smoking materials...  ... your cigars and cigarettes, please." "Goddamn, I paid $10 for that cigar!" "I'm sorry." "Is he for real?" "And now...  ... ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Entertainment...  ... Tony Clifton!" "He's smoking." "What's he doing?" ""Volare" ""Cantare" ""No wonder my happy heart sings" ""Your love has given me wings" ""I got the wings of a dove" ""I got the wings" ""I got the chicken wings from Kentucky Fried" ""Whoop-de-doo, whoop-de-di" ""Stick a needle in your eye! "" "Let's get somethin' straight." "I play the big showrooms in Vegas." "I need this place like I need a shotgun blast to the face." "Now let's go down and meet some of the audience." "How you all doin'?" "Where you from?" "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "Somebody's wearin' a lot of perfume around here." "Must be that time of the month." "I know all the tricks." "How you doin'?" "You enjoying' that pasta carbonara?" "It appears as if you are!" "Look out!" "I think you sat in some cottage cheese." "Pardon me." "That's your ass." "How you doin'?" "You enjoying' the show?" "Yeah." "What's your name?" "Bob." "Bob?" "Bob, Bob." "What's your last name, Up-and-down-in-the-water?" "Gorsky." "Gorsky?" "That Polish?" "Yeah." "You tryin' to do some Polish humor?" " No, that's..." "Shut up!" "That's just my name." "Shut up!" "I do not appreciate racial slurs!" "I think them dumb Polacks have been ridiculed enough!" "I do a clean show here!" "You wanna see some humor?" "Here's some humor, right here." "There's some humor, right there, okay!" "You just sit down and enjoy that, okay?" "And you!" "Shapiro!" "I'll see you backstage, baldy." ""Volare"" "What do you want?" "Just a little friendly conversation, George." "You hungry?" "You look thin!" ""Italiano, cacciatore, scaloppine, pasta fasool! "" "I don't understand this act." "It's good, old-fashioned entertainment." "Everyone loves a villain." "What about that poor schlep you humiliated?" "Hey, man, excellent show." " That was a great show." " Yeah, good show for you." "George, this is my writer and old friend, Bob Zmuda." " How are you?" "I'm Bob." " He's very creative." " Yes, I'm the brains behind this operation." " Yeah, dream on." "He once faked a lion escaping from the Chicago Zoo." "This was fantastic, George." "We got like 40 actors and they're tearin' through the zoo." "They shut the place down for two days." "They're screamin', "There's a fuckin' lion! "" "Your name's not Gorsky." "Don't believe everything you hear, George." "This cannot leave this room." "Do not write this down." "Okay?" "Tony Clifton is Andy Kaufman." "And Andy Kaufman is Tony Clifton." "They'll deny it up and down, but believe me, it's true." "This is great business." "You get two Andy Kaufmans for the price of one." "Andy!" " Andy." " What's up?" "They said, "Yes."" "You're gettin' everything." "Everything!" " Bonus." "Bonus!" " Whatever you want." " Thank you very much." " It was so good." "I have to do Taxi, don't I?" "You gotta do Taxi." "Party time for Latka." "Not until you take off those overalls." "This is a good party." "No!" "Latka, listen to me." "Listen to me." "There's a drug in those cookies." "No?" " Yeah." " No." "No!" "Bed?" "I have never been so emotional in all my life!" "And this is for my mother!" "And this is for my father!" "And this is for my grandfather!" "I hope you have a small family." "Thank you very much." " I'm gonna quit." " What?" "Every show is worse than the last one." "Forty million people are watching your ass every week, Kaufman." "What do they know?" "Absolutely nothing!" "And that's the beauty." "Man, look, it's credibility." "You make them love you now, and then later on, on your special you can fuck with their heads." "The sky is the limit, man!" "Oh, yeah?" "I don't care!" "Sir, there's a problem down on the Kaufman special." "They say he's not following the technical requirements." "Technical?" "Thanks for coming on my show." "Thanks for having me on your show." " Okay." "Right now." "Roll it!" " No." "It's my special!" "I have creative control." "Now, roll it!" "No!" " Do it, man!" " Andy!" "Be careful, please!" "Only positive energy allowed behind this point." "I've been hearing fabulous things about the special." "What?" "Did we hit a little speed bump?" "And his name is Colin." "Kid Genius told me to mess with the vertical hold." "Show me." "Show me." "Show him, Colin." "Thanks for having me on your show, Andy." "Boy, it's sure..." "It'll be great!" "People will think their TV is broken!" "They'll get outta their chairs, walk over to the TV twist the knobs, call the TV store:" ""Hey, I paid a lot of money for that TV! "" "They'll bang on the television and they won't be able to fix it!" "Andy, we don't want the viewers to get out of their chairs." "But it's funny!" "It's a practical joke." "The viewer must be able to see the program." "But, it's only gonna be for 30 seconds." "Five." "Twenty." "Ten." "Deal." "Okay Andy, ten seconds, huh?" "Ten seconds, okay." " Ten seconds is all I really wanted." " Ten seconds is perfect." "I've been watching you since I was a little boy, Howdy." "I didn't even know what TV was, but I was watching you." "Look how cute he is." "You're the first friend in TV I've ever had." "That is so moving." "You're as real as anyone else in the show to me." "And I love you." "I really do." "This is not funny." "This is artsy-fartsy shit." "This is the magical part of the show." "The show's not all like this." "It's hysterical!" "Lt gets very funny." "Christ!" "We're the Number 1 network." "Can't we afford a decent TV?" "No, that's part of the show." "This is part of the show?" "Yes." "What do you mean, part of the show?" "That's the way Andy wants it, with the roll." "Thanks, Andy." "I love you, too." "Tell Kaufman this network will never air this program." "Hey, that's Andy Kaufman." "You wanna bet?" "Excuse me." "Are you Andy Kaufman?" "I get that all the time." "This is ridiculous." "Take off that apron." "No." "I'd rather work here than at ABC." "I'm sorry." "They're a bunch of assholes." "Look, we work in a creative business." "There's no telling what people are gonna like or dislike." "The only reason why I did Taxi...  ...was that I could have my own special." "I know." "Well, I'll tell you what." "Let me book you some colleges now." "And then, I'll take the special around." "I'll show it to people and see if anybody wants to buy it." "We'll have a garage sale." "No, I'm over and out." " You know, you're not over and out." " Yeah, I am over and out." " You can't be." " I'll show you over and out." "You've got a deal with ABC." "You've gotta honor it." "All right." "How much longer is left on my contract?" "Well, you signed for five years, so, four years and seven months." "Thank you." "It's really great to be here." "We're gonna have a great show tonight." "A really good one!" "We're gonna start by singing some songs and..." "Do Latka!" " Yeah, Latka!" "What?" "Wait!" "Excuse me for one second." " I saw that." " What?" " Gimme the book." " No, I'm not going to give you the book." "Is something wrong?" "No, everything's okay." "Fine." "Hey, can I squeeze your nuts?" "Thanks." "They're asking for it." "Ladies and gentlemen, since you're such a special audience..." "Yeah!" "I am going to reveal, for the very first time, ever, the real me." "That's right." "I'm actually British." "And though I dabble in clowning, I do find it so boorish...  ... so American." "I prefer the fine arts." "Henceforth, today, I am going to grace you with a reading...  ... of one of the greatest novels ever written." "The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald." "Please." ""In my younger and more vulnerable years..." ""... my father gave me some advice..." ""... that I've been turning over in my mind ever since." ""'Whenever you feel like criticizing anyone, ' he told me..." ""'... just remember that all the people of this world..." ""'... haven't had the advantages that you've had. '" ""But we've always been unusually communicative, in a reserved way." ""And I understood that he meant a great deal, more than that. "" "Thank you very much." ""In consequence, I'm inclined to reserve all judgments." ""A habit that has opened up many curious natures to me..." ""... and also made me the victim of not a few veteran bones. "" "Oh, come on!" "No." "Please keep it down." "We've got a long way to go." ""They were the same people, or at least the same sort of people..." ""... the same profusion of cham... "" "I tell you what." "Would you rather I kept reading...  ... or do you prefer to hear the phonograph record?" "Record!" "I'm sorry, I can't hear you." "Record!" "Are you positive?" "Very well then." "Yeah, Mighty Mouse!" ""Perhaps his presence gave the evening its peculiar quality of oppressiveness." ""It stands out in my memory from Gatsby's other parties that summer." ""The green light, the orgiastic future..." ""... year by year recedes before us." ""Tomorrow..." ""Tomorrow, we will run faster..." ""... stretch our arms out further..." ""... and one fine morning..." ""So we beat on, boats against the current..." ""... born back ceaselessly..." ""... into the past." ""The end. "" "All right!" "You wanna play Arizona State?" "You give them Mighty Mouse." "You give them Elvis." "I gave them, The Great Gatsby." "F. Scott Fitzgerald's best work." " A classic." " His finest piece of work." "I don't care!" "Andy." "You have to look inside and ask this question:" "Who are you trying to entertain?" "The audience or yourself?" "Excuse me." " Bob." " What, George?" "I'm worried about Andy." "This is not good." "His stress level is affecting his work!" "Calm down now, George." "That's not gonna help anything, okay?" "Look, Tony Clifton is gonna go on Taxi next week." "That should let him blow off steam and relieve the stress." "Okay?" "Bob, Andy needs to relax." "This is your job." "You have to take him away from all of this." "Would you, come on?" "Come on!" "Shit!" "Hi, how you doin' today?" "Fine." "Great." "Hello." "Nice to meet you." " Nice to meet you." " How are you?" "Peachy." "What do we do now?" "Now, you pick." "But what if I hurt somebody's feelings?" "For Christ's sake, you're not gonna hurt anybody's feelings." "They're all professionals." "Okay." "All right, which one?" "I will have both!" "I will have this Fraulein." "Und the one with the big strudels." "Mach schnell, mach schnell!" "Zmuda, I'm gonna kill you." "Excellent choice." " Hi." " Hi." "Are you having a good day?" "It's kind of a big day." "It's my buddy's first time with a prostitute." "What are you talking about?" "Andy comes here almost every weekend." "Who, Andy?" "He doesn't always call himself that." "Sometimes he's Tony and he wears a tux." "If I gave you both $300 would you..." "$500." "What am I, Harry Houdini?" "We busted through." "Come on, girls." "Welcome to the Follies Bree-gere!" "Okay, here's the man, Tony Clifton!" " Taxi, laxy, just the factsy, Maxie!" " Hi." "Hey, hotshot." "How're you doing?" " Ed Weinberger, Executive." " Take a hike!" "Okay, all right?" "What are we doing, huh?" "Here's your script, Tony." " That's the script I was given?" " Yeah." " That's the one I have to do?" " Yeah." "Okay, let me see." "Okay." "Bullshit, bullshit, my line." "Bullshit, bullshit, my line." "That's hilarious!" "You know, I reviewed that script last night and I was not satisfied." " Yeah, well..." " I was not satisfied." " Well, why don't we just..." " Listen, I made some changes." "I stayed up all night with these sweet ladies right here..." "This is Lemonade." " Can we get to work?" " That'll keep you going on a hot day." "And this is Melonia." "How's my little produce department?" "This is the new Taxi theme song." ""We drive a taxi"" "George." "I can't afford to blow this whole episode, so, we have to let him go." "I'm not sure how Andy's gonna take this." "Well, we just have to go down and tell him." "But that's Tony down there." "It's not Andy." "I don't give a fuck who that is, I'm gonna fire him." "Okay, all right." "But we better warn Andy first." "He's up in San Francisco, doing a concert." "I'll call my secretary." "Diane, this is George." "I'm trying to reach Andy up in San Francisco." "Okay." "I'll patch you through." "I'll wait." "Hello?" "Andy." "I'm gonna put you on the speaker." " Hello, Andy." "Hello?" "Hi." "I'm here with Ed, over at Taxi." "Hi, Ed." " Hi, Andy." "How are you?" " I'm fine." "Good." "Andy, there's been some trouble with Tony." "Oh, no!" "Did he get hurt?" "No." "No, Andy, it's nothing like that, no." "Did he hurt someone else?" " No, it's not that." "Andy, the reason I'm calling you like this is..." "I have the utmost respect for your artistry." "Well, may I say that I've always appreciated that, Ed." "Thank you." "But you see, in this instance..." "I have to ask your permission to fire Tony." "George, this is gonna kill Tony." "He's waited for this his whole life." "Andy, there'll be other shots." "Yeah, we have to do this." "He's just a terrible actor." "Okay." "But please, let him down gently." "Trust us." "Fuck you!" "I'm not going!" "We had a deal." "I know who you talked to." "You must have talked to someone else!" "Yeah!" "I was talking to Andy Kaufman!" "I don't know no Andy Kaufman!" "Security, get in here!" "He is ruining my life!" "Security!" "Get in here!" "Do not hurt him!" "He's a talented man!" "I don't want any pictures leaving this set!" "Hey!" "Give that back!" "Hey!" "Get Zmuda, he's one of them!" "If you guys ever go to Vegas, you're not getting in!" "Hey, come here!" "Give me the camera!" "Come here!" "Come on!" "Give me the camera!" "I got $20 says you work for me now!" "I would like to use the phone!" "Not on the lot, sir." "How about a bathroom?" "I may have shit my pants." " Drink of water?" " No." " Aspirin?" " No." " Moist towelette?" " No." "In that case, it has been an honor and a good-bye!" "WHO IS TONY CLIFTON?" "This is great!" "This is too much, man." "It makes Tony real, you know?" "It gives him three dimensions." "It's good for his career, George." "Oh, really?" "You want to book Tony Clifton at Harrah's Tahoe?" "Well, I know the college kids really like Andy Kaufman." "No, look Gene, let me be really clear about this." "If you book Tony, do not expect to get Andy." "Well, you know what, I'll take my chances, all right?" "All right." "Be my guest." "Book him." "Shut up!" "Shut the hell up!" "All of ya!" "You make one more sound, I'll come down there...  ... and put your friggin' head in the soup!" "When I go like this, it means I expect total silence!" "There is an artiste on stage." "That's better." ""Oh, whether I'm right" ""Or whether I'm wrong" ""Or whether I find a place in this world or never belong" ""I've got to be me" ""I've gotta be me" ""Willing to try to do it or die"" "Thank you very much." "Thank you." "I do all my own stunts." ""I've got to be"" "What the hell's goin' on?" "Kaufman!" "Kaufman's fucking up my act!" "Where's it say Kaufman's in the act?" "May I borrow this for a second?" "Now, you are all wet!" "You look like you could use a little drink up there!" "Now, go on, get outta here!" "That's what you get for crapping up my act!" "No." "You get out of here, little drummer boy!" "Stay!" "No, wait Andy, come back!" ""I've got to be"" "Go home!" ""Volare"" "Jesus Christ." "Close the goddamn door." "Close it!" "Look at you." "You're so proud." "You're like some stupid kid who comes home from school:" ""Look, Dad, I got an F! "" "But wasn't it funny?" ""Yes, it was funny, Andy." "It was."" "Yes, it was funny for a little while, until the audience realized that Tony wasn't you." "So, what do you have here?" "A big elaborate joke that's only funny to two people in the universe." "You and you." "Sure, George, yeah." "And we happen to think that it's hilarious." "But what's the point?" "It's fun, George." "How is this gonna make you the biggest star in the world?" "At this point the audience expects me to completely shock them, all the time." "But short of faking my own death or setting the theater on fire I don't know what else to do." "'Cause I've always gotta be one step ahead of them." "It's like ballet." "Did you see that?" "Dropped to the canvas when the two engaged in a real..." "These guys are brilliant." "I want to be a bad guy wrestler in the worst way." "I hate to break it to you, but the problem is you don't have the build or the look for it..." "These guys are huge." "They would kick your ass." "Maybe I could pick on someone a little smaller than me." "No, women are superior to men in many ways." "MERV!" "That's right, when it comes to cooking and cleaning and washing the potatoes, scrubbing the carrots making the babies, mopping the floors." "They have it all over men." "I believe that." "But when it comes to wrestling..." "Shut up!" "Be quiet when the man is talking!" "If there is a woman here tonight who can come up here and prove me wrong." "I will shut my mouth and pay her $500!" "I can do it!" "Over here!" "Pick me!" "Who's gonna go?" "Who'll be the victor?" "Come on!" "You want to take me?" "Come on!" "We'll take one woman!" "You, ma'am." "What's your name, sweetheart?" " My name is Lynne." " Lynne." "Lynne is the volunteer, all right." "You're pathetic." "What are you gonna do about it, Suzy Q?" "I want a clean fight." "No kicking, biting, scratching, head-butts." " You understand?" " He's gonna play fair?" "I'm not concerned with him..." "It's up to you." "You pin me." "I don't have to pin you." "Yes, I understand." "Very good." "Can we please shake hands?" "All right, into your respective corners." "Come out wrestling when you hear the bell." "You see?" "You see this?" "Yeah!" "Lynne, no choke holds!" "I told you!" "Yeah!" "Come on!" "Hey, stop right there, Kaufman!" " First warning!" " For what?" "You pulled her hair!" "You won't be getting a second warning, Kaufman!" "That is enough!" "What'd I do?" "Shut up!" "I am the champion." "No woman can..." "I'm mopping up the sweat." "One, two, three." "That is it!" "Lt is over!" "Lt is over!" "You are out!" "You are down!" "The winner and still undisputed Intergender Wrestling Champion of the world Andy Kaufman!" "I am the winner!" "I've got the brains!" "Ma'am?" "Here is your complimentary photo of Merv." " Thank you." " And your Turtle Wax." "I don't want Turtle Wax." "Every guest of Merv's takes Turtle Wax." "And here's your gift voucher to Red Lobster for dinner for two." "Thank you so much." "Listen, I just wanted to thank you for doing such a great job." " I really appreciate it." " Don't patronize me." "No, wait!" "What?" "I hope you don't take everything I did in there seriously." "What I was saying, well, it's just part of the show." "It's like the old days of the carnival barker when he could get the crowd all riled up." "So, you just pretend to be an asshole?" "That's what I'm good at." "Yeah, you are." "You are, you are really, really good at it." "You are." "Merv Griffin got 2,000 pieces of hate mail." "Don't make me laugh, George." "Andy, Merv does not get hate mail." "Well, that means we're a success." "We got the room all worked up, like punk rock." "Andy, they detest you." "The next time you make an appearance women are gonna picket." "You think so?" "Yes, because you have not given them any clues that this is a parody." "That's because I've only done it once." "They'll get used to it." "'Cause I'm gonna do it again and again, and again and again." "Time-out!" "All right, all right, you're out!" "You are out!" "Get..." "Two adults, please." "Thank you." "Do you want some popcorn?" "No, thank you." "I really want one." "A large tub of popcorn, please." "Extra butter." "So, why did you call me?" "You are the last person I expected to call me." "Gosh, gee, Lynne, I mean, I was just so impressed with your wrestling moves, you know?" "Yeah, you were impressed with something." "You had a huge boner on national TV." " Oh, man." "Come on." " Yeah, you did." "I had it taped down and everything." "I hope I didn't offend you." "I'm here, aren't I?" "Hey!" " What?" " Want to go to Memphis and get married?" "Do I want to go to Memphis and get married?" "Why Memphis?" "Because Memphis is the wrestling capital of the world." "I'll get up in the ring and I'll announce that I'll marry the first woman who beats me." "Then you can get up and we'll wrestle and I'll let you win..." " You'll let me win?" "I'll let you win." "I'll let you." "And then we'll run off and we'll get married  on the David Letterman Show." " God!" " Okay?" "What do you say?" "Is this for real?" "Shut up!" "Boo!" "Shut up!" "I demand silence when I am talking." "Total lack of respect from Mr. Hollywood." "If there is one woman here tonight who thinks she can defeat me...  ... that lucky little lady will get to marry me!" "Let me ask you, folks:" "What kind of man would wrestle a woman, anyway?" "Kaufman!" "Kaufman!" "I'll take you on, you sissy!" "The little lady is upset." "Let me tell you somethin', baby." "Go back to the kitchen...  ... where you belong, before you get hurt, okay?" "No, Kaufman, you get in the kitchen, 'cause I'll make you...  ... do my dishes!" "Hey!" "Stop it!" "Stop it!" "This woman is a fake!" "She's nothin' more than Andy Kaufman's girlfriend." "Right?" "Well, there you go." "That's not true!" " Boo!" "That's not true!" "You big faker!" "That is not true!" "Yeah, that's true." "This is all a set-up, Kaufman." "And I'm not gonna allow you to fool these people." "You understand me?" "Who the hell are you?" "I'm Jerry Lawler, the King of Memphis wrestling!" "He's the King!" "Right on!" "Kaufman, if you want to wrestle somebody...  ... I've got a real wrestler." "She's trained and she's ready." "Let's see if you can handle Foxy Jackson!" "Come on, Foxy!" "Oh, my!" "Foxy Jackson and Andy Kaufman...  ... right here, one-on-one." "I never agreed to this!" "I will not do this!" "Lawler, I did not agree to this!" "This is against the rules!" "I don't think that Kaufman was prepared for Foxy Jackson." "Mr. Hollywood." "Again, Kaufman showing a total lack of respect." "Foxy Jackson's gonna take Kaufman to the woodshed." "Kaufman hangin' on the ropes like a little baby!" "Foxy's about to take Kaufman right out of his shorts!" "One, two, three." "Can you believe it?" "Son of a gun!" " I got her!" "Come on, you wank, get off of her!" "Get him off of her, come on." "Now, there goes the King..." "Oh, man!" "He just threw Kaufman down like a rag doll!" "The King took matters into his own hands!" " You all right?" " Sit her down." "What are you doing?" "I do not wrestle men!" "I am gonna sue you, Lawler!" "I am a national TV star and I don't like dumb, stupid crackers..." "I did not agree to wrestle you!" "I did not agree!" "This is assault and battery!" "And I'm gonna get a team of lawyers to sue you and your children, and your children's children!" "Let me tell you somethin', Kaufman!" "Wrestling's a very serious sport to me!" "And I don't appreciate a jerk like you makin' fun of it!" "I certainly don't appreciate a jerk like you makin' fun of people from the South!" "So we can go to court if you want to!" "Or you can get in the ring with a man and wrestle for real!" "You wanna wrestle me?" "You wanna wrestle me, Memphis god?" "Let me tell you somethin', Mr. Lawler." "I am gonna make you scream for mercy!" "Come on, Kaufman!" "They didn't know what hit them!" "Is it an act?" "Or are you just addicted to causing trouble?" "I can quit anytime I want, baby!" "You know what?" "I'm not a prop." "Don't ever treat me like that again." "I'm sorry." "I just get caught up, that's all." "Sometimes I get lost." "Please, Andy, enough with the wrestling." "You don't think that I can beat him?" "He's the southern heavyweight champion!" "He'll kill you!" "I don't know." "I've wrestled women that are bigger than him and I've mopped the floor with 'em." "Well, first you piss off women then you piss off the South, then you get killed." "And I did the booking." "It's funny." "Listen, I got this job that I want you to take." "It's guest-hosting the TV show Fridays." "It's not a great TV show, but it'll be good for you." "It's live, they'll give you carte blanche...  ...and you can get back in the business of making people laugh." "You said "live"?" "Live." " I don't do drug humor." " Andy, it's fine." "This is what the show is all about." "Kids love this stuff." "But I don't do drugs, and I don't enjoy making light of them." "I was promised creative control." "No one promised you creative control." "You got the script three days ago, and don't say a word until now." "We're on live in minutes." "It's too late." "Let's go!" "Bring the audience in!" "Live from the Los Angeles basin..." " Janice!" "Lt's on!" "... it's Fridays!" "Tonight's special guest star...  ... Andy Kaufman!" "In this sketch, two married couples are out to dinner." "Everybody has secretly brought along a joint." "And Carl was the last one to sneak to the bathroom to get a little high." "And now he's coming back to the table." "Restaurants are amazing, aren't they?" "All these strangers just sitting around, stuffing dead animals into their faces." "Incredible." "Yeah." "Gee." "And the bathrooms are  so colorful." "Everything okay, Carl?" "I'm sorry." "I just can't do it." "I can't play stoned." "Read the cue cards." "I can't play stoned." "I feel stupid." "You feel stupid?" "What about us?" "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." "Andy." "You didn't have to do that." "Cut it out!" "Oh, you jerk!" "Okay, that's it!" "Joey, go to commercial, now!" "I told you I didn't want to do this, didn't I?" "Kaufman, get off my stage." "Get off my stage, man!" "Get your hands off me." "Don't you touch me!" "You're a nut!" "Break it up!" "You are a nut!" "Why does Andy do that?" "Jesus, you are a nut!" "Come on!" "Why?" "Why?" "I started using Suave..." "We've gone to commercial!" "Excuse me!" "You're never gonna work for ABC again, ever!" "Excuse me?" "Ladies and gentlemen, please." "You have all just participated in a happening." "Now, okay, now to make it real, some of you down there knew what was going on and some of you didn't." "I'm sorry." "But we don't want to upset the folks at home so now, Andy is going to tell them that it was all just a prank." "Coming back from commercial, and..." "During the commercials, the people at ABC  told me to explain to you that this whole fight episode...  ... was staged." "Oh, good." "It's a lie!" "It's a cover-up!" "Why are you laughing?" "I don't understand why you're laughing." "I'm not being funny." "What you saw was real!" "These things occur all the time at the networks...  ... only they're cut away." "Cut to commercial." "You see?" "You see?" "Now, for sure they'll fire me." "If you want to see me again...  ... you'll have to come to Memphis..." "NIBLETS CORN In Butter Sauce" "What's in Memphis?" "The giant's flavor-tight pouch lets you cook the corn in..." "That kid is totally meshuga." "Jerry "the King" Lawler!" "The most popular athlete...  ... in the history of Memphis, Tennessee...  ... steppin' inside a square circle." "At 236 pounds...  ... Jerry "the King" Lawler!" "And introducing, at 191 pounds...  ... the holder of...  ... the World Intergender Championship...  ... here is Andy Kaufman!" "You can hear the ovation or lack of one for Andy Kaufman." "The cheers turn to jeers." "Yeah, Lawler is gonna settle the score for each and every one of us...  ... because we've all been insulted by this hideous Andy Kaufman." "This man from Hollywood, California..." "Before we begin this event, I just want to say a couple of things...  ... to you disgusting people!" "Come on!" "Now, that's just not right." "Are you listening to me?" "Okay!" "Ladies and gentlemen...  ... this is a bar of soap." "Say it with me." "Soap." "All you have to do is wet this bar of soap...  ... and wipe your hands with it and rub it on your body...  ... and soon that disgusting, filthy dirt...  ... will come off!" "Why is he saying these things?" "He's just engaging the audience." "He's riling them up." "They are going to lynch him." "And now for lesson two." "This is toilet paper!" " Good grief." "Use it!" "Let me tell you something, Kaufman." "We've had enough of your crap." "Now, let's do what we came here to do, let's wrestle, right now!" "All right, here we go." "The King is ready, and I hope...  ... for Kaufman's sake, he's ready." "Kaufman's due a trip to the old woodshed here." "I never thought I'd see the day that..." "Well, look at Kaufman!" "Yeah, Kaufman doesn't want any part of Lawler." "He's an absolute embarrassment to humanity...  ... this man from Hollywood." "You see, I am from Hollywood." "Who cares?" "I have the brains." "Nobody cares where you're from!" ""I'm the King." "I'm the King." "I'm the King of Memphis, Tennessee. "" "Andy, please, let's go home." "Don't worry, Mom, I'll make you proud." "Kaufman got nailed with somethin'." "Some fan threw something'." "Who did that?" "You cannot touch me!" "I'll sue you!" " Hey, Kaufman!" "I make more money in one day...  ... than you do in your entire lives combined." "Kaufman!" "Did you come down here to wrestle or act like an ass?" "Now get in the ring!" "I'll give you a free headlock, okay?" "Come on!" "Lawler seems to be willing to offer a free hold here of some kind." "No, not now, drop it!" "Drop it, now!" "It'll be okay!" "Lt's okay." "Let Kaufman get in there and let's see what kind of man he is." "One, two, three." "I can't believe that the King is gonna go through with this." "Come on!" "That big-mouth son of a gun has got a free headlock!" "And business may pick up here!" "I did it!" "This is for real!" "I did it!" "Yeah!" "Look out, Kaufman!" "There he goes!" "Hold on!" "Kaufman in trouble." "Look out!" "The King folded him up like an accordion that time." "And now the King is asking the crowd if they want to see the piledriver." "That's illegal." "Kaufman is out of it." "Oh, my!" "Oh, my!" "It's gonna be a piledriver!" "There it is!" "Andy!" "And he's hurt bad." "That's an automatic disqualification, right there." "Well, Kaufman wins, but he doesn't look like a winner, right now." "Let's go!" "Come on, let's go!" "Hey, George." "Hey, Lorne." "Thanks for seeing me at such short notice." "I wanted to talk to you about putting Andy  back on Saturday Night Live." "George, I don't know whether Andy works on the show, anymore." "I mean, the wrestling stuff is..." " Yeah..." " Just, I think it's worn..." "The wrestling." "Yeah, we all agree completely about the wrestling, now." " That's smart." "Andy is very sincere." "He's gonna apologize to Jerry Lawler and repent for all his bad guy shenanigans." "I apologize for all the wrestling I've ever done and I'm sorry for all the grief I've ever given." "I was just playing bad guy wrestler, you know, and it's just a role." "It's not me." "So, I guess Jerry just took it personally." "I mean, you said some pretty inflammatory things, obviously." "Right, I mean, everything's a joke to this guy." "Like that thing." "Is it a neck brace or a flea collar?" " That's not true." "This is very serious." "I went to the hospital." "I was in the hospital for three days, in traction." "And I'll tell you something else." "My dad said I could've sued you." "I could have sued you for everything you've got." "But I didn't because I'm not that kinda guy." "What kinda guy are you?" "Tell you what, I think maybe I'll get a lawyer, you know?" "Listen, if you were a man, you'd apologize to me right now." "But you're just poor, white trash, and so I guess that's too lofty a concept for you." "I mean, you know, what are you gonna do?" "Are we, is everything, are you okay?" "I'm sick of this shit, Lawler." "I'm gonna sue you for everything you've got I swear to God." "Fuck you!" "Okay?" "Okay, Lawler?" "Fuck you!" "I'm sorry Dave." "Okay?" "I know I'm not supposed to say those things on television." "I can't say those words, and I apologize." "I'm sorry!" "I'm sorry!" "But you, you are a..." " Ing, ..." " Ing, ..." " Hole!" "Okay?" "Well I think you can use some of those words on TV but, what you can't do is throw coffee." ""Some of us at Saturday Night Live think that..." ""..." "Andy Kaufman's a comic genius, but others disagree." ""They say he's just not funny anymore." ""So we're leaving the decision up to you." ""To keep Andy, call 1-900-555-7618." ""To dump him..."" "JOKESTER AND Y KAUFMAN VOTED OFF SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE" "This is bad." "I only got 28 percent." "This is Saturday Night Live, the hippest audience in television." "They turned on you." "Look, it pains me to say this but I don't think you two guys should ever work together again." "I'm sorry, George, we just thought it was funny." "You don't have to be sorry, Jerry." "You're terrific." "You're just the best." "I wouldn't have traded it for anything." "To me, this was a shining moment for wrestling." "Me, too." "And it was a shining moment for behavioral science." "But, why can't I make a gag out of this?" "I mean maybe I could go on the show, and I could I could say it was rigged and that I demand a recount." "Andy, you don't understand." "They don't want you back." "Now, close your eyes and if the thoughts of this world enter your head don't be upset by them." "It's just your stress unraveling itself." "Just slowly come back to the mantra." "Andy?" "Please." "Just continue your meditation." "I'll be back." "Jai Gurudev." "Jai Gurudev." "Hi, Andy." "Hi." "Hi." "This is very difficult for me to say but we feel that it's best if you don't attend the retreat." "Why?" "I go to the retreat every year." "I know, Andy, and we don't doubt your devotion to transcendental meditation." "It's just that we feel that well, you and the program have grown apart..." "Philosophically." ""Philosophically?" What's "philosophically"?" "Well, Andy, the wrestling, the sexist remarks, the foul language they're just not becoming of an individual of spiritual enlightenment." "It seems you just don't respect anything." "Of course I do." "It's just I think of the world as an illusion and we shouldn't take ourselves so seriously." "Don't..." "Don't, please do this." "You've got to let me attend these classes." "It's what keeps me balanced." "It's apparently not working." "Then help me." "Help me, okay?" "Guide me." "We just don't wish your presence here." "Hi." "I brought you some Haagen-Dazs." "I don't deserve Haagen-Dazs." "I'm a bad person." "Don't." "You aren't a bad person." "You are a complicated person." "You don't know the real me." "There isn't a real you." "Oh, yeah." "I forgot." "Baby." "Do you want to move in with me?" "What?" "Say it again." ""Oh, Rose Marie" ""I love you" ""I'm always dreaming of you"" "I'll get it!" "Kaufman and Margulies Center for Sexual Research." "Andy, it's George." "Hey, George." "I'm not sure we can do anything for you." "Andy, I got some crummy news." "Taxi has been canceled." "Put that stuff over there." "And the crummy news?" "You want me to come over and talk about it?" "No." "I'm sort of busy, right now." "I'll see you next week, though." "Thanks." "Yeah, okay." "Put it right there." "Right there." "Yuck." "And now, ladies and gentlemen, a treat for staying late." "Please welcome from Taxi, the Improv's own...  ... Mr. Andy Kaufman!" "Actually, Budd, you're wrong." "I found out today that Taxi has been canceled." "What?" "Not to mention that my wife left me...  ... and she took the kids." "I don't understand why you're laughing." "I'm not joking." "And then this morning...  ... I got up and I noticed that I have a cyst, or some kind of boil...  ... on the back of my neck." "Look." "See?" "So I was thinking that since...  ... I'm still kind of a quasi-celebrity, that...  ... maybe I could charge people to touch it." "Would anybody like to pay $1 to touch my cyst?" "I'm serious." "I could really use the money, right now." "It's a good deal." "Okay." "Wait, no, you gotta pay first." "It's $1 to touch my celebrity cyst." "Okay." "Thank you." "Thank you very much." "Would Andy like to tell us why he called us out at 4:00 in the morning?" "Yeah." "I have cancer." "Forget it." "Forget it!" "That is in terrible taste." "I don't want to have anything to do with this." "No, no, no, that's good." "Yeah, we can make that play." "Yeah, okay." "And we'll just, we'll really, we'll just drag it out." "All right?" "You get better, you get worse..." "No, you die!" "And then, you come back to life." "That's funny." "That's funny, but, it's not a gag, Bob." "I got cancer." "I got lung cancer." "Lung cancer?" "That's ridiculous, you don't even smoke." "I've got some freaky, rare kind." "It's called large cell carcinoma." "I'm a lucky guy." "Have you told your family?" "No." "I don't want to tell them." "I just..." "I've jerked 'em around so much." "Andy, look in my eye, and tell me this is true." "Oh, I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." "Lynne!" "Come on." "If I find out that you're behind this, I'll kill you, Zmuda!" "What the hell are you talkin' about George?" "I was the one who didn't believe him." "That's the kinda thing that you two would work out to fuck me up!" "We want the truth, boy." "The truth!" "My father said Lassie bit me, so, I said she did, too." "Lassie never bit you, and you know it." "Case dismissed!" "Dad?" "The cancer started here in Andy's lungs and spread to his left arm." "We've initiated an aggressive radiation program." "See if we can eradicate the affected cells." "Dr." "Sullivan, line one." " Excuse me, I'll be right back." "What a crock." "How dare you make light of this?" "Dad, I cried when he broke his neck." "He's not getting me again." "Jesus Christ, Carol, he's got lung cancer." "He wants us scratching our heads, asking ourselves, "Is this real?"" "Of course it's real." "We're in a hospital." "Mom, it's Cedars-Sinai." "It's a show biz hospital." "Andy's studio friends probably run this place." "He plans these things." "He takes over and hires actors." "Personally, I didn't think that doctor guy was very convincing." " Did you notice he had the wrong shoes?" " He didn't have doctor shoes." "NATIONAL ENQUIRER" "No, that's bullshit!" "No more Kaufman stories." "He's burned us too many times." "A very reliable source told me, Andy Kaufman has lung cancer." "Please, he's definitely not dying." "Now those big white cells are attacking the cancer cells." "Attacking." "Attacking." " I see them." "I see the white cells." " Attacking." "Attacking." " Attacking." " Attacking." "He's an actor." "I recognize him from The In-Laws!" "That's true." "But he's also ordained in holistic medicine." "What am I supposed to do?" "I'm sick and I'm tryin' to get better, but everybody's lookin' at me funny." "I feel like I'm being surrounded by negative energy." "You're surrounded by what you create." "Oh, great." " Andy, you're the king of negative energy." " It's gotta stop." "Andy." "'Cause if these negative vibes get out, then everyone'll talk about how sick I am." "And it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy." "How can I help you?" " I want to go back to work." " You want to tour the clubs?" "No, no clubs." "I want to reach the top." "Carnegie Hall!" "I just want this show to build and build!" "I want it to be everything that's joyful, just pile one thing on top of the other until the audience just turn into children right in front of me." " It might even have Santa Claus." " Oh, yeah." "And you can say, "Santa, what am I gettin' for Christmas this year?"" "And he says, "Cancer."" "No, not that." "I don't want to do that." "That's a bummer." "Okay, positive." "This is really, great." "Santa, snow..." "But it's going to cost a fortune." "That's okay." "Not a problem." " Well, who's gonna pay for it, Andy?" " Tony Clifton?" "Andy, Tony doesn't have that kind of money." "Don't you worry about that, George." "I know Tony a lot better than you do." "And even if he has to work for another ten years to pay it off, he'll do it." ""I got spurs that jingle, jangle, jingle" ""As I go ridin' merrily along" ""And they sing, 'Oh, ain't you glad you're single? "'" "Ladies and gentlemen, we are so very fortunate tonight...  ... because we have with us the last surviving cowgirl...  ... from that 1931 film." "She's 94 years young." "Eleanor Cody Gould." "Hi, Eleanor, it's great to have you here." "It's a real honor." "Thank you, Andy." "I'm delighted to be here." "It's really overwhelming to me." "Well, it's gonna get even better, because we found...  ... one of the old, original hobby-horses from your movie." "Could you grace us with a couple of steps from "Jingle, Jangle, Jingle"?" "I don't think..." "Okay!" "Hit it!" "Faster, come on!" "Faster, faster!" "Faster, come on!" "Faster, faster, faster!" "Andy!" "Stop!" "Andy!" "Is there a doctor in the house?" "Stop the music!" "We need a doctor." "Anyone?" "Please." "Should we call an ambulance?" "Praise the Lord!" "She's alive!" "Hallelujah!" ""Hallelujah!" "Hallelujah!" ""Hallelujah! "" "Ladies and gentlemen, the Mormon Tabernacle Choir!" ""Here comes Santa Claus Here comes Santa Claus" ""Right down Santa Claus Lane"" "My gosh!" "I can't believe it!" "It's the Rockettes!" ""Bells are ringing children's singing" ""All is merry and bright" ""Hang your stockings and say your prayers" ""'Cause Santa Claus comes tonight"" "Boys and girls, you're not going to believe this!" "Here comes Santa Claus!" ""He's got a bag that is filled with toys" ""For the boys and girls again" ""Hear those sleigh bells jingle jangle" ""What a beautiful sight" ""Jump in bed, cover up your head"" "Since you've all been such good boys and girls...  ...I would like to take, everybody in this audience, out for milk and cookies." "There are buses outside." "Everybody, follow me!" "Don't worry, folks." "There's enough milk and cookies for everyone!" "And now we'll place the blue crystal." "Very high vibrations." "And it's wonderful, wonderful for its healing powers." "Okay." "Okay." "Let's try two of those, and another pink one." "All right." "Looks like somethin' my dog puked on." "How about me and you dolls go out and get some real food?" "All right." "French fries and a porterhouse steak!" "Or we can skip the meal and go right to the montage a' trois!" "Have you ever been with another woman?" "Well, like in the kitchen and stuff, yeah." "This'll help." "Okay." " Here, put that on your face." " Okay." " There you go!" " Hi." "Now, you can't even tell the difference!" "Well, we could put all of this together, in a soup and we could pretend it's a porterhouse steak, Andy." "I am not Andy." "Andy is sick." "Chick, pick, lick, lick!" "Dick!" "Whereas, I am getting stronger and stronger!" "Hi, Andy." "You wanna wrestle?" "Bob and I came up with an idea for a TV show." "It would be a Saturday morning kind of thing where I can goof off with the kids." "We can sell that, Andy." "Did your doctor say it's okay to go back to work?" "No, but he will." "'Cause I'm goin' to the Philippines." "The Philippines?" "What's in the Philippines?" "A miracle." "CLINIC" "I just want to say, until we meet again...  ... please remember." ""In this friendly, friendly world" ""With each day so full of joy" ""Why should any heart" ""be lonely?" ""In this friendly, friendly world" ""With each night so full of dreams" ""Why should any heart" ""be afraid? "" "Yes, it's a friendly world." "We should all treat each other like brothers and sisters." "So everybody put your arm around the person sitting next to you...  ... and sway back and forth in rhythm to the music." "Come on!" "Everybody." "Even if you don't like the person sitting next to you." "Okay?" "When I say, "okay", you say, "okay! " Okay?" "Okay." "Okay." " Okay." "Okay." " Okay." "Everybody sing, "The world is such a wonderful place"" ""The world is such a wonderful place" ""to wander through"" "Follow the bouncing ball!" " "When you've got someone you love" ""to wander along with you" " "With the sky so full of stars" - "With the sky so full of stars"" " "And the river so full of song" - "And the river so full of song" ""Every heart should be" ""so thankful" ""Thankful for this friendly, friendly world" ""Thankful for this friendly" ""friendly world"" "Thank you...  ... for this friendly, friendly world." "Thank you...  ... and good-bye." "One Year Later" "You guys want to see Andy tonight?" "Anybody got a flashlight and a couple of shovels?" "Okay, guys, let's do our dirt!" "THE COMEDY STORE" ""First I was afraid I was putrefied" ""Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side" ""But then I spent so many nights" ""thinking how you did me wrong" ""And I grew strong" ""And I learned how to carry on" ""And now you're back" ""From outer space" ""I just walked in to find you here" ""With that sad look upon your face" ""I should have changed my stupid lock I should have made you leave your key" ""if I had known for just one second" ""you'd be back to bother me Go on now, go!" ""Walk out the door!" ""Just turn around now 'cause you're not welcome anymore" ""Weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with good-bye?" ""Did you think I'd crumble?" ""Did you think I'd lay down and die?" "Oh, no, not I!" ""I will survive!" ""As long as I know how to love I know I will stay alive" ""I've got all my life to live I've got all my love to give" ""I will survive!" "I will survive!" ""I will survive!" "I will survive!" "I will survive!" "I will survive!" "I will survive!" "I will survive!" ""Well, it's time to say good-bye" ""It's been good having you so near" ""Although I've got to leave, it's the end" ""I'll always be stayin' right here" ""So, all my friends, good-bye" ""It's just that I got tired" ""Wish that I could do" ""Just one more song for you"" "Good-bye, everybody, thank you!" "Good night!"