"( theme song playing )" "Now, the building is right here on the edge of town." "Oui, Colonel, I see it." "The Krauts want privacy, huh?" "Security." "The place is full of research equipment." "They're working on a new magnetic mine." "It explodes if you just look at it." "Nice." "Very nice." "London wants information-- diagrams, formulas, any notes they have." "They also want pictures of the interior." "Oui, Colonel, I have the camera." "Smile." "( clicking )" "Okay." "You'll rendezvous with our underground contact, Luise, right here." "And if she doesn't show up?" "You carry on alone." "What am I supposed to do-- stop somebody on the street?" "Pardon, monsieur." "Can you get me into the building where they are doing research on a magnetic mine, s'il vous plaît?" "Luise will be there." "She's reliable." "I want you to get back here as fast as you can." "No bars, no cafes and no girls." "Do you mind if I smile at people?" "Only if it's absolutely necessary." "Now, you got your identity papers?" "I am a French collaborator from Vichy looking for a job to help the German war effort." "You rat." "Colonel, the guys are almost ready." "Okay." "Hilda will start moving in five minutes." "Now, good luck, LeBeau." "This is a very important mission, so don't blow it." "Right." "Let's go." "Oh, come on, Schultz." "You're a born killer." "That's enough." "Hey, Colonel, look at us." "We're on K.P. Great." "Yeah, Colonel, how come they volunteered?" "Well, they need the experience, Schultz." "Yeah, make a lovely trade for after the war." "Come on, Schultz." "( Schultz chuckles )" "( wolf whistle )" "HOGAN:" "Huh?" "NEWKIRK:" "Oh, blimey, look at that." "Hey, Colonel, look at that." "Ho-ho." "( Carter whistles )" "Yeah." "Now that's what I want for Christmas, Schultz, and don't bother wrapping it." "( chuckling )" "Wait a minute." "Hold it." "You already did that one, Schultz." "How do you know?" "You were looking at Fraulein Hilda." "And I'm gonna stand right here until she comes back." "All you can think about is girls, huh?" "No, there's one other thing." "Yeah, what?" "Women." "( laughing )" "Women." "Tell Unit Number Four to begin searching east of town." "I repeat, east of town." "Unit Number Seven will concentrate on the woods to the north." "You have your orders." "Get on with it." "I'll have that little cockroach back in this camp before you can say "Martin Bormann."" "Did he escape, too?" "Dummkopf." "You know nothing." "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant." "I mean, no, no, Herr Kommandant." "Schultz, you are supposed to smell out these escapes before they happen." "He'd have to read the mind of every prisoner in this camp." "He can't even read his own." "Hogan, you are very smug." "Your little escape committee undoubtedly had a meeting, and this is the result." "Could be." "You are supposed to have advance knowledge of these things." "Well, if you'd come to a meeting of the Escape Committee once in a while, you'd know what's going on around here." "Silence!" "( chuckles )" "Quiet!" "Silence!" "You did me already." "( grunts )" "What interests me is the method of escape." "Herr Kommandant, maybe a tunnel." "Impossible." "Why do you think I have you patrolling all over the compound?" "If there were a tunnel, the ground would collapse." "The tunnel could be very deep." "Schultz is heavier than the tunnel is deep." "Danke, Herr Kommandant." "Excuse me, Herr Kommandant." "What do you want?" "The Burgermeister from Hamburg is on the telephone." "Oh, good." "Hello?" "Hello, Herr Burgermeister." "Good day." "Heil Hitler." "Herr Burgermeister, we're having a little problem here at Stalag 13, and I would like your cooperation." "One of our prisoners has foolishly tried to escape." "Oh, he's just one little Frenchman about so high." "He's no danger to anyone." "( whispers ):" "Except girls." "Ja, girls." "Silence." "Me, or him?" "Herr Burgermeister," "I would appreciate the help of your small, but efficient, police force." "What?" "Of course the Luftwaffe can handle it." "Yes." "Thank you, Herr Burgermeister." "Imagine the nerve of this man telling me that the Luftwaffe is inefficient." "He isn't even wearing a uniform." "Herr Kommandant, the Burgermeister is 72 years old." "He has sight only in one eye." "So, what kind of an excuse is that?" "Commandant, I'd like to volunteer my services to recapture Corporal LeBeau." "One of your own men?" "How?" "Why?" "I want the answer to the first question first." "Well, if one of your gang grabs him, he might get hurt." "Let me go into town alone, in civilian clothes, I'll get him for you." "Aha, that's the answer to the second question:" "Why?" "You will escape." "You have my word as an officer." "Not good enough." "Not good enough for me either." "Silence!" "( mutters )" "I'm sorry, Schultz." "He's got me doing it now." "Hogan, your request is denied." "I do not need your help in recapturing the prisoner." "( sighs )" "This is still the most secure POW camp in all of Germany." "There has never been a successful escape from Stalag 13." "And all your bosses in Berlin know it." "My reputation as camp commandant speaks for itself." "Okay, tovarich." ""Tovarich"?" "Yeah." "You'll have to speak for yourself at the eastern front, you may as well know a word or two." "Hmm, that's a very good idea." "Oh, shut up." "Dismissed." "You take the "shut up,"" "I'll take the "dismissed."" "Sergeant, wait for me here." "I'll talk to Hogan alone." "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant." "Had a bad day, right, Commandant?" "Not at all." "He's been seen in several places." "As a matter of fact," "I've had a very encouraging report from Unit Number Seven just before I came over here, and..." "Yes, yes, I've had a very bad day." "Want to reconsider my offer, correct?" "Yes." "I'm going to let you try it your way." "Okay, I'll go into town tomorrow." "I want complete freedom of action." "Do we understand each other, Colonel?" "We do, but if you go back on your word and try to escape yourself," "I'll have you brought back in chains." "You can't even recapture a five-foot corporal, how you going to catch a six-foot colonel?" "Hmm, I never worry about details." "Me, in civilian clothes, Herr Kommandant?" "Yes." "Now you will follow Hogan everywhere in town." "I believe it's called "tailing."" "But Herr Kommandant, I've never been a tail." "I'm not sure I can do it." "Look, a prisoner has escaped." "Your commanding officer's reputation is in danger, and all you can think about is yourself?" "What about me?" "You wouldn't try to escape, would you?" "( grunts )" "These papers are in order-- military pass, working permit, but why did you bring him here, Fraulein?" "He stopped me on the street and asked me where he could get a job." "That is rather strange." "He's a foreigner." "What gave you the idea this is a factory, Fraulein?" "Well, I heard it in town." "You know, the word is passed." "This is not a factory." "We do not hire just anyone." "The people you see are sent to us from Berlin." "I'm sorry, I didn't know." "François." "Uh?" "We must try elsewhere." "There's nothing for you here." "C'est dommage." "Such a nice place." "Merci, madam." "( speaks French )" "Au revoir." "Heil Hitler." "He's hiding at my place waiting for orders." "Good." "He's teaching my mother how to make potato soufflé." "He's a nice, little man." "Yeah, be careful of him." "He creeps up on people, especially girls." "I hope he got good pictures." "We'll know in a few hours." "Tell LeBeau I want him back in camp tonight." "Come in through the emergency tunnel." "I understand, Colonel." "And, uh, once we study the layout..." "Oops." "There he is, Sam Spade, the giant economy size." "It's my shadow." "Is he following you?" "Yeah." "Keeps losing me." "I have to stop and wait for him to catch up." "He's not dangerous?" "Only if he gets dizzy and falls on me." "Keep him busy a few minutes, will ya?" "I'm going to go out the back way." "Got a light, big boy?" "Any time, baby." "You must be new here in town" "I haven't seen you before." "Just passing through." "Welcome to our fair city." "I'm Luise Muller." "What is a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?" "( Luise giggles )" "What is your name?" "Well..." "( clears throat )" "I can't think of a name... ( stammers ):" "Name... ( chuckles nervously )" "Schmidt." "Wilhelm Schmidt." "I bet people call you "Willie."" "And many other things." "( laughing )" "How about buying a lady a drink?" "Pleasure." "A drink for the lady, make it a good one." "A lulu for Luise." "Oh, I love a man with a sense of humor." "Oh, you came to the right place, baby." "Prosit." "( Schultz laughing )" "( laughing )" "Good evening." "Are you having a good time, hmm?" "Marvelous." "Ooh." "I'm so glad." "Who is this creep?" "Please, this creep happens to be my..." "Where, may I ask, is the package you're supposed to be looking after?" "Package?" "What package?" "What...?" "Oh, oh, Luise Muller." "( sotto voce ):" "Hogan." "Hogan." "Colonel Hogan package." "He is sitting right over... there." "You Dummkopf, go find him." "Jawohl, Mr. Creep." "Oh, I mean, Mr. Commandant." "Uh, do you have a light, big fellow?" "( soft, sexy chuckle )" "Anytime... for a lady." "They keep the blueprints and sketches in here, Colonel." "That's a pretty big safe, huh?" "Oui, and strong, too." "All right, we're going to need some nitro." "Carter?" "I'm your man." "I got some nitro I've been saving for a special occasion like this, and believe me, when this job's over, if you don't come over to me and say, "Carter" or "Andrew," "that's the greatest nitroglycerin I..."" "HOGAN:" "At ease, Carter." "Louis, you ever cracked a safe before?" "I have studied under one of the great masters." "Oh, he'll manage." "No genius, mind you, but he can bring it off." "I want you take as many of the blueprints and the research material that you can carry." "On your way out, set fire to the place." "How does he get in there, Colonel?" "Yeah, good question." "There are no windows, only one door, and a 24-hour guard." "All right, the Krauts get their supplies by truck every Thursday from Dusseldorf, according to Luise." "Boxes of chemicals, testing equipment, stuff like that." "We're going to stop that truck on the Hammelburg Road, and we're going to put one extra box on the truck." "In that extra box will be our, uh, brave little friend." "You're joking." "What do you think, brave little friend?" "I want a lawyer." "I can understand him being in a box after they catch him, but..." "Leave off, Carter." "Blimey, sir, a man could get killed just being in the same army as you." "What do you got in mind, Colonel?" "I would have asked myself, but I'm already shaking too much." "Well, Krauts will take that extra box into the laboratory." "LeBeau will have everything he needs with him." "As soon as it's quiet, he breaks out and does the job." "At least you'll have a box of your own." "For a nice military funeral." "Colonel, the Krauts are looking for Louis right now." "They could easily connect that sabotage to him." "Not if our timing is good." "There's a barn right here." "It's not too far from the laboratory." "When you've done the job, get there as fast as you can, go in through a side door." "I'll make sure you have an alibi." "I want a lawyer and a priest." "All right, measure him for the box." "Come over here, laddie." "Do you fancy a bit of padding in the shoulders, sir?" "No." "Make sure he has plenty of room." "And, uh, Sam, don't make the nails too long." "Couple of fine private eyes." "You guys ought to invest in some lessons." "That's enough, Hogan." "Did you find out anything?" "How could I?" "You scared off my contact." "Maybe you could find her again." "With your help, I suppose." "Oh, shut up." "You can find LeBeau yourself." "I'm out of it." "Hogan, just a minute." "Frankly, our search has turned up nothing." "Are you willing to try again?" "Well, okay, but no tails this time." "I want complete freedom of action." "I guaranteed I would not try to escape, and that still goes." "Of course." "By now you must know that I trust you implicitly." "Fine." "One wrong move, and you'll be in the cooler so long it won't be worth coming out." "Dismissed." "( dog whimpering )" "Hey, Schnitzer..." "Hmm?" "I don't understand this extra trip for the dogs." "SCHNITZER:" "Do I tell you how to guard the prisoners?" "SCHULTZ:" "Nein." "Do I ask you why you put on ten more pounds?" "Nein." "Schultz, do you understand what I'm trying to say to you?" "Nein." "Mind your own bloody business!" "Mmm, hmm-hmm." "It is good to see your old, jolly self again." "Well, Hans, auf Wiedersehen." "You all right, Louis?" "( muffled yelling )" "He's okay, sir." "Thanks." "He may even get to like it." "( muffled yelling )" "Maybe not." "Watch it-- here they come." "HOGAN:" "Gestapo." "Papers, please." "All right, everything seems to be in order." "Proceed, and drive carefully." "( engine starting )" "( phone ringing )" "Colonel Klink speaking." "Heil Hitler." "Commandant, I found LeBeau." "Excellent, Hogan;" "bring him in at once." "It's not that easy." "He's holed up in a barn outside of town on the north road." "I said bring him in-- that's an order." "He wants a guarantee that he won't get more than 30 days in the cooler." "Well, give it to him." "I can always change my mind." "It only takes ten minutes to assemble a firing squad." "He wants it from you in person." "Such arrogance." "I'll order a squad over there and bring him in by force." "Ugly scene, Commandant." "The Gestapo might get into the act." "I don't care about the Ge..." "All right, Hogan." "I'll be there as soon as I can." "Right, Colonel." "I'll wait for you at the barn." "Hogan, what's the situation?" "He's got himself barricaded in there, sir." "I've been talking to him through the door." "I'll do more than talk to him." "Schultz, surround the place." "Hold it, hold it." "He says he has a grenade." "He'll use it if you try to rush him." "Don't surround the place." "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant." "That little cockroach must be nuts!" "What does he want, an engraved invitation?" "!" "He wants to talk to you, sir." "He says you're the only one he can trust." "Me?" "Now I know he's nuts." "I had no idea he felt this way." "To know you is to trust you." "It is?" "Oh, of course." "Let's talk to him." "LeBeau..." "Colonel Klink is here." "Go ahead, sir." "Corporal LeBeau, this is your commandant speaking." "Can you hear me?" "I don't hear anything." "That's because you talk too much." "Colonel, please." "LeBeau, I am trying to help you." "What is it you want?" "Your word of honor that he won't get more than 30 days in the cooler for the escape." "Is that right, LeBeau?" "!" "That's right, sir." "This time I heard him." "Now I know where we stand." "And of course, you must realize that being the commandant of a prisoner of war camp is not the easiest thing in the world." "You must try to see things from my point of view." "I try to be fair in all my dealings with the unfortunate men who have been placed in my charge." "MAN:" "Open the door!" "( pounding on door )" "Who's in there?" "!" "( pounding continues )" "Open the door, or I'll shoot!" "( explosion ) Open the door!" "( hissing )" "And I recall when I was a cadet in Potsdam and one of my instructors-- a Colonel Schleswig-- oh, a fine officer and a great gentleman." "He was later executed by Hitler-- after all, nobody's perfect." "He said to me, "Authority is a dangerous thing in the hands of fools."" "And you know," "I thought that remark was so brilliant," "I had my mother-- God rest her soul-- embroider it on a pillow for me." "( clicks tongue )" "What mothers wouldn't do for their children." "Unfortunately, I lost that pillow when my canoe overturned on a "Strength Through Joy" trip." "But the philosophy lives on forever." "Now, if you give yourself up, believe me," "I will not be a fool and misuse my authority." "Oh, beautiful!" "Bravo!" "LeBEAU:" "Kommandant Klink, I believe you!" "I will surrender!" "One of the great leaders of men." "Bring your men." "If he makes one wrong move, shoot to kill." "Also a man of great warmth." "LeBeau, I will now open the door." "Come out with your hands up, understood?" "LeBEAU:" "Oui, Herr Kommandant!" "I understand!" "Where's your grenade?" "I had it a minute ago." "I must have lost it." "Search the area!" "I was bluffing, sir." "You...!" "Schultz, take him away." "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant." "Come on, you." "Bluff!" "And this, my dear Hogan, is how you recapture an escaped prisoner without any bloodshed, without any trouble." "So inspiring to see a great man at work, sir." "I imagine it is." "Uh, oh, by the way, I was wondering, uh, you busy Monday night?" "No, I don't think so." "Why?" "We're having another meeting of our Escape Committee." "What?" "It would be great if you could address our little group." "Two of your prisoners are out of camp, and a very important research project has been sabotaged." "The prisoners were with me at the time, sir." "All of you out having a good time, I suppose." "Oh, that hurts." "Please, sir, let me answer." "Major, I saw the colonel personally recapture a very dangerous prisoner single-handed just by using psychology." "It was brilliant." "Brilliant!" "This man-- this man deserves to be decorated." "A board of inquiry will be convened in a few days, and you will all be required to testify, and I can promise you... heads will roll." "Heil Hitler." "Heil Hitler." "Heil Hitler." "There's a lovable type." "Huh." "He does not concern me." "My record stands." "There still has never been a successful escape from Stalag 13." "Board of inquiry, indeed." "Just one thing worries me, Commandant." "I'll be under oath." "I might have to tell them that I was the one that found LeBeau and I was the one that told you how to smoke him out." "Unless..." "Unless what?" "Unless LeBeau were released from the cooler." "Impossible." "Well, maybe the major didn't mean it when he said "heads will roll."" "I mean, how do you roll a head if you...?" "I have given this some very careful thought, and since LeBeau did cooperate, I..." "Uh, thank you, sir, thank you." "Hogan...!" "I don't know what you were in civilian life, but as a soldier, you are a dishonest man-- a blackmailer." "I'm ashamed, sir." "You ought to be." "Don't you want to change?" "More than anything in the world." "Good." "I'll give you all the help I can." "Well, maybe I'll be able to go straight anyway."