"Subtitles by josmndsn" "Don't lose her!" "Don't just stand there, follow them!" "Get down!" "Down!" "Freeze!" " Freeze!" "[snarling growls]" "Hey, did you see they had Chaco Tacos back there?" "Hell, yeah." "Want to get some?" " Yeah." "Anybody want a Chaco Taco?" "Not this guy." "Anybody else want a Chaco Taco?" "It's like a Taco of ice cream." "It's good." "One year ago ..." " Vampires, werewolves  zombies ..." "and zombies ..." "Descended upon California's San Fernando Valley ..." "Authorities remain baffled by their origins..." "Death Valley " " Season 1 Episode 1 "Pilot"" "Anybody knows what tonight is?" "Do not tell me it's the season finale of Glee." "I [bleep]ing hate that show!" "Yes, Carla." "One year anniversary of the first zombie sighting, Captain." "That's exactly right, Carla." "Here, you've got a little Captain ass on your nose." "One year ago today, zombies began besmirching our fine community." "Sorry, sir." "Sorry." "That's right." "I said, besmirching." "And, with the zombies came vampires and werewolves and my personal promise that I would not rest until we had eradicated this problem completely." "Uh, Captain, I thought you said we were to contain the problem." "Now you tell me, are you satisfied containing the problem?" "Because if you are, the door is right there." "It says "Contain" right there over your head." "CAPTURE" " CONTAIN" " KILL" "Can I move on, please?" "Thanks you, where's your partner?" "Had a couple of Chaco Tacos." "Uh, he's in the, a, can, sir." "He had himself a couple Chaco Tacos." "I always tell him he's lactose intolerant, but he doesn't listen to me ..." "Fascinating story, Stubeck." "Okay, you tell Officer Pierce we are on high alert tonight." "Do you understand me?" "We're picking up chatter on the 'vamps' are definitely up to something." "And, I for one am taking no chances." "So, ..." "let's be vigilant." "Let's stick together." "And, let's make sure these nice people from Channel 5 get home in one piece with their story." "Right." "Thank you, thank you, Captain." "My name is Rodney..." "I've got some tips that will you sound better on TV ..." "Well, I have a tip for you,too, Rodney." "All right, little more a tip, you know what I mean." "I can show a man what it is to be a woman." "Final piece of business!" "We got a new addition to our unit," "Officer Landrey." "Kristen stand up, would ya." "for a moment." "Hi everyone." "Now, she is a rookie, but I'm sure she's no stranger to zombies." "Actually, I have never seen one ... in person." "That's all right." "Take you about two hours around here pop your cherry, huh." "Just speaking metaphorically, of course." "I don't mean to suggest that you are a virgin." "Then, again, I mean to suggest that you are not a virgin." "Any more questions?" "Great!" "Let's get out there and kill something!" "So, if there's monsters in the valley, why don't people just move out?" "Because that's were they live, man." "[bleep]" "I live in the valley." "in Malibu sometimes ..." "Now, you want to buy me a crib up on Malibu overlooking the ocean with a barbecue pit, you go right ahead." "I sure as hell won't stop you." "Yeah, I could see you fit in there." "Yeah, yeah, I can picture that, you know." "You living in a beach house, drinking Marguerita's, Mel Gibson ..." "No, not Mel Gibson." "So, what's, a, going on tonight?" "We're staking out this motel vampire prostitution." "Blood for sex is a big problem in the valley." "Lot of desperate guys, no cash, willing to do whatever it takes to get a little action." "That's right." "Take those off, it's nighttime." "Whatever, dude." " Come on." "What was I saying?" " Zombies, Vampires." "I don't talk like that." " Whatever." "I don't." "Zombies, ... vampires ..." "I know lot of guys would cut and run, but not me." "Want to know why?" " Why?" "Is that your family?" " Damn right!" "I'll risk it all for them." "I'm proud to." "Do you know why I do it?" " Do I have to?" "I do it for them." " Nice." "Let me see that." "I said, I do this for my family." "I've had this JPEG so long, it's like my family." "Technically, I guess, that makes it incest." "is another adult." "Oh, stop it, come on, grow up." "Stop it." "Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey." "Here we go." "A fish has taken the bait." "What fish?" " A fish is taking ..." "Jesus Christ, Billy, a man is going in with a prostitute." "Oh!" "Come on, let's go - o - o - o." "What are you doing?" "I'm going to take some pictures." " Oh, stop it, put that away." "Come on ..." " Don't ..." "All right, let me get my gun." " Give me a good one." "A little pissed." "Yeah, yeah, right there." "Got it." "All right, everybody hands in the air!" "Your hands are really cold." "All right, everybody hands in the air!" "That means you vampire tits." "Seriously, vampire tits." "Be a professional." "I wasn't doing anything." "'re still talking about." "Sofia, how many times are we going to do this?" "Come on, Stubeck, just leave a working girl alone." "You weren't working." "You were humping this guy for blood." "take his blood." "Am I right?" "What are you doing?" "Stop talking to them." "[She shouts in Spanish]" "I'm sorry, I don't speak vampire." " It's Spanish, you idiot." "Relax." "Come on, Sophia, you know the drill." "Hands behind your back." "Hands behind your back." "This isn't what it looks like." "I thought she was just a human prostitute." ""...[speaking gibberish] a human prostitute"." "Think you're sitting on a farm?" "What, are we in a cow pasture because I smell bull[bleep]." " Go check the back." "I'm going to go check the back." "just follow a warrant." "I just told you to do that." "You're following an order, right now." "Hey, if I don't get to have sex, then, can I get my blood back." "because I'm feeling kind of a little faint." "Shut up." "Smells like a cats balls in here." "Oh, my God!" " Die, pig." "Shut up!" "Dude, this is like a $500 boom." "Come on ..." "Shut up!" "You know what they say about boom poles, don't you?" "You never hear 'em coming." "That was actually a pretty good one." " Fing A!" "And then you ruin it." "How are you handling everything we threw at you so far?" "Oh, I've been sitting at my desk for four hours." "I know that." "I've been watching you." "Not continually, of course, I've been catching up on some paperwork." "It's actually a small fraction of what I do." "I'm out on the beat, quite a bit, as it were." "I would love to be out on the beat." "All in good time, Kristen, in time." "It, It's actually, um, it's pronounced Kirstan." "What did I say?" " Kristen." "Say it your way." " Kirsten." "Okay, I'm going to be honest, I'm going to have a little trouble with that." "But, anyway ... "Girsten"" "Let me explain something to you." "Valley of Los Angeles is a long way away from Kansas." "I'm not from Kansas, I'm from Carefree, Arizona." "Careree Arizona!" "Well, we are care-free!" "What did you do in Carefree?" "You don't look like a golfer." " Actually, I'm a 14 handicap." "a 14 handicap." "Means nothing to a zombie." "with a golf club to kill?" "Are you going to kill a zombie with a golf club?" "Well, ..." "Yeah!" "You want to destroy the brain, right?" "That's exactly right." "Shoot them through the eyes, run them over with a truck, crush his head in with a crowbar." "How is a crowbar different from a golf club?" "You ever try to get out of the sand with a crowbar?" "Well, well, well, if it isn't my favorite prostitute." "I'm kidding, I don't have a favorite prostitute." "Not in this country anyway." "Caught our friend here draining the red vein, Captain." "Billy almost got his brains bashed in by her pimp, but ... we managed to impale the assailant with a boom pole through the chest." "Kebab the bastard, eh?" " That's right!" "Where is Billy now?" " In the can, sir." "Chaco Taco?" " And a Slurpie." "That's gonna hurt coming out." "Your partner killed the wrong vampire." "Well, I guess we'll have to live with that then, won't we?" "Yeah, we'll see about that." " Ooh, scary." "You'll enjoy lockup, Sofia." "I'm going home to my warm bed." "Which, I use for sleeping, not sex." "Want to know why?" "I'm a happily married man." "Billy, let's blow this joint!" "Billy!" "Billy." "Billy!" "Sofia's not talking." "But, whoever snatched Billy, sent me this video on his phone." "It's giving me the creeps." "Check it out." "Well, that's the naked chicks." "hang on, ... celebrity nip slips." "Hang on ..." "Go right down ..." "Man, Billy's got a lot of porn on this thing." "And, active glands." "All right, here we go." " Greetings, pig!" "If you are watching this video ..." " Are you sure that's Billy?" "No, but ..." "Can't say it's not him, right?" "Hey, did you see that?" "Here's the part where they tell me to go to Griffith Park with the body." "Unarmed and alone." "Well, I guess that's what we gotta do then." "Seriously?" "They say what they'd do if we, you, went in there with backup?" "Yeah, they'll kill Billy." " Well, there's you go then." "They always say that." "They have to say that." "Well, that doesn't mean they won't do it." "I'm not going without backup." " Don't be such a girl." "Fine, I'll think about it." "How's she working out?" " Oh, you know ..." "I'm not that impressed." " Yeah." "Yo, guess what I rented last night?" "Big Fat Greek Wedding." " What did you think?" "Eh, not for me." "Unit 23." "Unit 23." "Do you copy?" "Officer Rinaldi here, copy." "We have a report of a 1-11 in progress at Whitley's Donuts. 1327 Chatsworth." "Please report." "Affirmative, Officer Johnson and I are enroute, over." "What's a 1-11?" " Slow walker zombie." "The fresh ones, they move pretty well, but when they've been undead to long ... we call that a 1-11." "At Whitley's Donuts." "Now, that's what I'm talking about." "You know I could go for a bear claw, righ now?" "Hit those lights, baby." "Yeah, he, he, he." "Sure ... yeah ... cool." "Where the hell are you doing?" "What you mean, what the hell I'm doing?" "I'm getting a dozen." "You can't wait?" "Um, I don't think he's going anywhere." "You know, you're not helping the cop stereotype with this donut crap." "Who cares, as long as it's a stereotype worth living up to." "Hey, check it out, John John." "Big man's still got a donut in his mouth." "That's not a donut, that's a hand." "[clanging noise]" "Ooh, I'm sorry." "My bad." "I didn't see ..." "Ow, ..." "Jesus..." "Jesus, John John." "What?" "Do you want to check the back?" "Sound's still spinning." " Shut the [bleep] up!" "Be still!" "No, I don't want to check the back." "I want to get a bear claw." "Check the back." "Hey." "Uh, oh, oh, we're pulling our gun out now, I see." "You see how dark it is back there." "It's like a God-damn black hole." "(under his breath) Check the back." "What happened?" "Nothing." "It's nothing." "Anybody here?" "Hello!" "[utterance in Spanish]" "You surprised me." "I didn't hear you coming." "Be still." " Yeah, completely still." "Where's Matteo?" "I'm sorry, I'm lost?" "Are we here to exchange the same ..." " Where's the body?" "You ... don't get Billy until we get the money." "All right, yeah, you could have just asked me." "I did ask you." "Yeah, kind of, but I don't understand what you're saying, so ..." "The body!" "Yeah, absolutely." "The body." "Hang on." "Where's Billy?" "You see Billy ..." "First, I want to see ..." "Matteo." "Which is ... the body ..." "Got it." " The body." "We're on the same page." "Great, I'll get him." "Uh, you guys want to help me out with this?" "I have a lower back pain." "It flares up sometimes." "There we go, great." "On your knees!" "Hands to your head." "Hands to your head." "Okay, where's Billy?" "You stay still." "[commands in Spanish]" "What did you do to him, you son of a bitch?" "He killed my brother, cochino!" "[commands in Spanish] [commands in Spanish]" "[commands in Spanish]" "Stay back." "Stay back!" "[Clicks police car remote]" "Come on buddy, let's get out of here." "Lean back." "Lean back." "All right, hop, ... hop, hop, hop." "Dive!" "Dive!" "Jesus, dude, you let one rip in here before you got out?" "Dead vampire, Billy." "Dead vampire." "[sound man screaming]" "Shut up!" "Shut the [bleep] up!" "All right." " God damn!" "You're acting like a pussy." "Calm down." "Get some balls!" "I mean ..." "this f[bleep]ing night!" "Damn!" " What are you guys looking at?" "You got bit, man." "It means you're done." "Real done." "What are you guys talking about?" "I'm your sound guy." "That is the Valley, man." "There's lots of sound guys." "We deal with this all the time." "Good evening, officer." "Sir, we need you to turn the truck off." "We turning into a werewolf, tonight?" "I am." "I know how this looks." "I was at the library and I ..." "You're clearly werewolf, right now." "You're half way there." "Your shirt's ripped up, you got a hairy belly." "I was waiting for a computer, I couldn't get online." "Well, you know the deal, it's a full moon, you gotta lock yourself in, all right?" "So, turn around." "Turn around and cuff him, okay." "He'll sleep it off." "It's fine." "guy over there ..." "Officer, did you see that ..." "Get him!" "My partner never knows when to get people." "All right, you're free to go." "He's free to go." "If they can run like that, we let them go." "Take those clothes off and get ready for the ride of your life." "Who wants to learn how to kill a zombie?" "Why do you smell like balls?" "Really?" "Is your camera guy seriously zooming in on my boobs?" "They're shooting a porn movie in here." "Eh, hem, lawsuit!" "Can you imagine what the sex is like?" "Do vampires have the power to control zombies?" "Blood for sex trade is worse than ever." "Vamps, they're kind of like the douchbags of the monster community, if you will." "Four blood mobiles were hijacked ..." "We'll kick some vamp ass!" " Kick some Vamp ass." "Uh, we got a big fat weenie in the car." " Are you joking?" "I'm seriously going to piss my pants." "Go out there and find my blood mobile!" "Subtitles by josmndsn"