"Transcripts from novels and synchro: wyxchari" "Welcome to the Kandy Kitchen, gentlemen." "I'm sure the pleasure will be ours." "I do hope so, I like my volunteers to die with smiles on their faces." "Evil!" "What's going on here?" "It's of no consequence." "I'd say they were rather upset about something." "They're fools." "They think they can achieve something with their march." "A demonstration!" "Wicked!" "All they will achieve is their extinction." "So Helen A doesn't allow demos." "I could have guessed as much." "Of course she allows demonstrations." "But these are killjoys and worse than that, they're drones." " Drones?" "Workers from the flatlands." "It is forbidden for them to visit the city." "That's why they won't leave it alive." "You're scared of them, aren't you?" "Up the killjoys!" "Silence!" "Gordon Bennett!" "This is where you come in, gentlemen." "The interesting part, the tasting." "May we ask what it is?" "A labour of love, Doctor, a labour of love." "I didn't know you were the caring type." "Just because Helen A prefers my ugly side, that doesn't mean I don't care." "Does it, Gilbert M?" " Gilbert M!" " No, no, of course not." "Thank you." "And just because Helen employs me as her executioner that doesn't mean I can't be creative." "No need to worry, gentlemen." "Tonight you see before you the artistic, sensitive side." "You see, I make sweets." "Not just any old, that sweets that are so good, so delicious, that sometimes the human frame is not equipped to bear the pleasure." "Tell them what I'm trying to say, Gilbert." "He makes sweets that kill people." "Wotcher!" "I like your new prison." "On Terra Alpha..." "Yeah, yeah." "On Terra Alpha you don't have prisons." "We have the waiting zone instead." "And the waiting zone moves to different places in the city according to the time of the night." "Waiting zone!" "Who do you're kidding?" "Some people don't have to remain in the waiting zone for very long." "Now, let's see what we've got for you." "Just before we start, I wonder if I could ask you about something which has been worrying me." "It's the executions." "What about them?" "It's just that out there nobody seems to know what method you use." "I was intrigued." "I didn't realize that you were concealing an interest in the mechanics of execution, Doctor." "A man after my own soft-centre." "Just curious." "The secret's in the pipes." "Vanilla secret, tomorrow, I think." "Just when the victim thinks he's been pardoned it flows into the yard and smothers him." "Ingenious, isn't it?" "It's depraved!" "We call it the fondant surprise!" "Can it be stopped once it's in moving?" "The foam can be diverted down another pipe." "But I'm not going to tell you how." "Anyway, it's a hypothetical question." "What reason could I possibly have for stopping an execution?" " Now, you said soft-centre." " Did I?" "Yes, you said soft-centre instead of heart." "What is your heart made of?" "Difficult to say." "It's all in there somewhere." "Caramel, sherbet, toffee, marzipan, gelling agents." "But it's all in motion." "A movable feast, eh?" " Very droll, Doctor." " So you're perfectly adapted to your environment." "Perfectly." "You're protected against everything, in fact, except the intense heat of the open stove behind you." " What?" "I said protected against everything except the intense heat of the open stove behind..." " Silence!" "And, of course, the adhesive qualities of carbonated aitch-two-O and citric acid." "Lemonade, to you." "Gilbert!" "Gilbert, where have you?" "Gilbert, come here." "Gilbert!" "Gilbert **** form here. *****." "Sweet dreams." "Gilbert!" "What's this?" "I'll show you..." "It's some kind of explosive device." "I used to work with explosives when I was in Happiness Patrol B." "The anti-terrorist squad." "We worked the night shift." "I like working at night." "I'm not interested." " Night-time is when they come out." " Who?" "Killjoys depressives." "Manic, reactive, endogenous, we got all of them." "What do you mean, got them?" "They disappeared." "You make me sick." "I did a good job and then they put me on this." "It was unfair." "I knew the streets, I was a fighter." "No you not." "You were a killer." "And she still is." "I am what I am." "It's crystallized sugar, the pipe must have carried some sort..." "What do you think?" "No good." "But then I've tasted the real thing." "It's definitely past its best, so we can assume that nothing's been pumped down here for time." "I wonder why." "How would you describe the Kandy Man's confection?" "It could only be the work of a schizophrenic obsessive." "Not until we're out of this section." "Why are we whispering?" "There are tons of crystallized syrup above us." "And any sudden noise could cause it to fall." "Not any noise, only certain noises." "That's reassuring." " Where have you been?" " Ingredients." "Leaving me to be humiliated." "You'll suffer for this." "Anything you say, Kandy Man." "You'll pay for this, I'm going to crush you." "That's it, scream and shout; rant and rave, but remember, Kandy Man, symbiosis." "You need me and I need me." "You need you?" "I need me." "I need you and you need you?" "That's right." "And just as you squeeze the breath out to me." "Your hand tightens round your own throat!" "Look at this, Earl, It's some kind of print." "I wonder what sort of creature lives down here?" "That king of creature." "It's all my fault." "You'd be all right if you hadn't met me." "It would have happened sooner or later." "I'm not Helen A's idea of good Happiness Patrol material." "She won't shed any tears over me." "Let's face it, no one will." "Even if they wanted to it wouldn't be allowed." "But what now?" "I'll just disappear along with the rest of them." "Just another of Helen A's victims." "I won't let it happen." "We'll escape." "I'll save you." "Don't worry." "I'm happy that it's finally over." "It's funny that, isn't it?" "It's the first thing that I've been happy about for ages." "Back weapons!" "No weapons." "Just a brolly." "Weapons!" "Weapon!" "Easy, easy." "Wicked!" "What did you say?" "Wicked!" "He's hip for a little guy!" "He's been taking lessons." "So you've met my friend Ace?" "Not Ace." "Brave girl." "Captive." "That sounds like Ace." "If only she'd listen to what I tell her." " Not Ace." "Gordon." " Gordon?" "Bennett!" "Happiness will prevail." "Happiness Patrol C please standby for the first stage of a routine disappearance." "And don't forget, when you smile I want to see those teeth." "I think I'll let you handle this one." "Time for you to go." " Leave her alone!" " I'm not ready!" " No one ever is." " Steady." "Just let me say goodbye to my friend." "Please!" "Why?" "What's the point?" "Take her away!" "Just one question." "How do you live with yourself?" "She was never any good." "She never had the right attitude." "She never joined in." "She wasn't part of the team." "She was my friend!" "Ace!" "What's the matter with these little guys?" "They may not look like it, but they're on the edge of starvation." "No sugar in the pipes." "But why can't they live on the surface?" "They used to." "They were driven down here by the human settlers." " Can't someone help them?" " Yes." "Us." "Here we are." "Seventh manhole on the left." "I'll go first." "It has been my privilege. *****." "Name?" " I'm the Doctor." "Haven't we met?" " I'm sorry." "That's classified information." " You're Trevor Sigma, aren't you?" " Galactic Census Bureau." "I ask the questions." "You ask the questions?" " I'm sorry, that's classified information." " Address?" " Which one?" "If you live here I need a town and a street." "If you're an alien I need a home planet except when you spend more than half of the working year away, in which case I need a planet of origin." " That's classified information." "Name?" " What?" " I ask the questions." "Name?" " Trevor Sigma." " Address?" " Galactic Centre." " What's going on?" " Questionnaire." " Occupation?" " Galactic census taker." "Authorized to enter any Alphan property and interview all Alphans." "Good." "Take me to their leader." " Got places to go, Doc." " I'll find you later." " How?" " The brandy of the damned." "Oh, the *****." "You're a nice guy, but a little weird." "I ***** the little." "That's nice." "Makes me feel sort of..." "Sort of... melancholy." "Yes." "That's it!" "A pleasant melancholy." "Priscila P was overpower by a defenceless girl and the vermin." "Is it a joke, Daisy K?" "No, ma'am." "What a shame." "I enjoy a good joke." "Where did this guerrilla unit disappear to when it had dealt with Priscilla P?" "It went down the pipes." "The pipes." "Excellent." "Fifi's been eating too many chocolates recently, haven't you my darling?" "She could do with a bit of sport!" "Here we are." "Look at that." "I can't believe we're doing this again." " The mark three." " Roof duty!" "The prototype for the mark four must be ready." "For the women." "You don't see any women doing roof duty?" "Women always get the better jobs." "Women always get the best guns." "Nice pipes." "Reminds me of Perivale." "Ace!" "Well, not that nice!" "Gordon Bennett!" "And careful with that can, or we'll end up as graffiti." "Well, you can this way, gentlemen." "It's Trevor Sigma, dear, and, er..." "Delighted to see you again, Trevor." "I don't think we've had the pleasure." "It's no pleasure, I assure you." "How very kind?" "Are you with the bureau as well?" "I'm sorry, that's classified information." "I understand you're responsible for this planet." "We do our best." "And is it a happy planet?" "I think you'll find everyone on Terra Alpha is... very happy." "Some people on Terra Alpha are very hard to find." "Well, I'm sure Trevor will sniff them out for you, won't you Trevor?" "I'm sorry, he can't answer that." "I'm glad you're here, Trevor." "I wanted to tell you that I've adopted the bureau's recommendations on population control." " Which were?" " To control it." "We've controlled the population down by seventeen per cent." "I'm sure you have." "Overcrowding has been quite eliminated." "No more queues at the post office." "And you used the bureau's programme?" "Not quite." "I found that my own programme was more effective." "Do excuse me, gentlemen." "Joseph C will look after you." "I say, Trevor, do we have to go through with this census business?" "Things haven't changed much since you were last here." "Full planetary census every six local cycles." "It's the rules." "Very well." "A quick lemonade and then I'll show you floral clock." "How about, er..." "Is he coming?" "He can't, he has a prior engagement." "Where are you going?" "Remember, Trevor, I ask the questions." "Routine disappearance number five hundred thousand and five." "Calling Happiness Patrol section C. The preparations are now complete." "Stand by to escort killjoy to execution yard." "Happiness will prevail!" " Population control?" " Look." "Who are you?" "And which member of the population are you controlling today?" "Just for the record." "A woman who disappointed me." "And how did she disappoint you?" "No, let me guess." "She enjoyed the feel of rain on her face." "Or perhaps her favourite season was the autumn." "You talk too much, whoever you are." " Is that a question?" " No." "Good." "I'm the Doctor." "Still no joy?" "I should get that button seen to." "A touch more lemonade?" "Thank you." "Strange chap." " There!" " Where?" "Run!" " Which way?" " Trapped!" "Gorden Bennett!" "The can!" "Quick!" "The can!" "Get down!" "What's happening to me?" "Help me!" "It's quite simple." "Created out of glucose-based substances, your joints need constant movement to avoid of coagulation." "What do you mean?" "You're turning into a slab of toffee." "I saw this problem at the planning stage." "And then I realized what the solution was." "And what was that?" "I've forgotten." "***** around to me." "Hey Doc." "There's a demonstration by workers from the sugar factories, striking about the Happiness Patrol murders." "I'll come and talk to them." "It's too dangerous." "They're pinned down by a couple of snipers." "I might as well, I've got that way to get to the Kandy Kitchen." "The Kandy Kitchen!" "Don't worry, I'll deal with the snipers first." "Pick up your gun." " Why?" " There's no one there." "You're right." "They've all gone to ground." "I don't mind." "Good luck to them." "Shut it!" "Wait a minute." "There's one." "It's all right." "I'll have him." "Just let him get a little closer." "Wait!" "He's not a drone." "He's fair game." "And you're headed that way." "All right." "Come on, come on and say hallo." "Hallo." "Get back!" "He'll use the gun." "Yes, I imagine he will." "You like guns, don't you?" "This is a specialized weapon." "It's designed for roof duty, designed for long range." "I've never used one closeup before." " Let him go." " No." "No, In fact, let's get a little closer." "Stay where you are." "Why?" "Scared?" "Why should you be scared?" "You're the one with the gun." "That's right." "And you like guns." "He'll kill you." "That's what guns are for." " Press the trigger and end a life." "Simple, isn't it?" " Yes." " *****?" " Yes." "Life killing life." " Who are you?" " Shut up." "So why don't you do it?" "Look me in the eye." "Pull the trigger." "End my life." " No." " Why not?" " I can't." " But why not?" " I don't know." " You don't, do you." "Throw away your gun." "And so you are sentenced, to the severest penalty decreed by Helen A. I'm glad." "I'm happy you're glad." "Patrol dismissed!" "Excellent!" "The fondant surprise." "We seem to have an execution." "Shall I oblige as you're... as you're bogged down." "Just get me unstuck!" "No!" "Come on, what are you moaning about now?" " Voompip!" " Voompip?" " Thompip!" " Thompip?" " Boompip!" " Boompip?" " Doompipe!" " Doompipe!" "Why didn't you said?" "*****!" "Don't let the Happiness Patrol catch you looking like that." "Let's have a smile." "Unstick me!" "I'll unstick you if you'll divert the flow!" "It's a deal." "Come on, come on." "It's Trevor, dear." "He has a few questions for you." "Not now." "They'll suffer for this!" "And only when they're screaming to go back under the pipe will I oblige." " No." " What?" " You can't." " What you mind?" "Constitutional rules of the system." "When the mechanics of an execution malfunction, then the aforementioned execution may not be repeated." "I say." "What a nuisance." "So they are now protected from the fondant surprise?" "Rules of the system." "The rules of the system?" "Which further go on to say that an alternative execution may be substituted." "Fine." "So you trusted me then, Doctor?" "But of course." "Very wise." "I am a Kandy Man of my word." "But now our little bargain is over, It's time to kill you." "I was afraid you might say that." "Ah well, here we go again." "No!" "Gilbert?" "Gilbert!" "Gilbert!" "Where are you?" "But you were lucky too is now." "I'm not frightened of you." "No?" "***** auditions for the late show before." "The late show?" "It's the Happiness Patrol auditions." "Why the Happiness Patrol?" "Not any more." "Joseph." "A big smile, ladies!" "It's been a quiet night." "Yes, It's been busy for me." "So what now?" "I've lost my friend, Ace." "I think I know where I can find her." " When's the show?" " In five minutes." "You'll catch it if you're quick." "Five minutes?" "So why are the posters going up now?" "They're just for experiences." "We always have a full house because attendance is compulsory." "Go back to the demonstrators and bring them to the Forum." "What if they don't want to come?" "You'll find a way." "I'll meet you here." "Right." "I need to know if one of artistes is in the Forum tonight." "I'll just have a look at my list." "She's called Ace." "I can't do anything until I find my list, now, can I?" "Oh dear." "Doesn't look as if Daphne S went down too well, does it?"