" The pole was 50 feet away." " And by "50" you mean "2," right?" " Mom, I wasn't gonna hit it." " Then, it was gonna hit you." "Lindsey, just because the car has a high safety ranking doesn't mean you should drive crazy" "To see if they're telling the truth." " You gonna tell me how to close the door too?" " No." "Since you already used the parking assist to back up safely into the driveway and managed not to hit the house," "I think you can close the door on your own." " How was that?" " Fine." " It's okay, baby." "I won't let her hurt you." "I know you're safe for the environment, and I'm going to make sure" "That the environment is safe for you." "What are you looking at?" "Mind your business!" "Nosy." " Hey." "How'd the driving lesson go?" " What did Lindsey say?" " Nothing." " Mm-Hmm." "Did she tell you she almost hit a pole, came this close to running a red light, made a left-hand turn from the right Lane," "And cut off a cop?" "If it weren't for the star safety system, we would have rear-ended somebody at chicken on a stick." " What are you looking at?" " Nothing." " Um." "Huh." "Not good, huh?" " Nick, all white women were giving her the finger." " Oh, are you okay?" " I'm fine." "It was just a bit much, you know, and I spent most of the day trying to plan that rich girl's sweet 16 party." " Oh, at that solar-powered house at the waterfront." " Yeah, because she wants a green party." " Oh, it's green, all right." " Oh, and get this." "Her parents are now buying her a brand-new prius, custom green, and they want me to get Katy Perry" "To sing Happy Birthday." "The whole party is so they can impress other parents." "for Ashley's birthday, we rented Katy Perry." "You know what I got for my 16th birthday?" "A leather eight-ball jacket and a clean version of straight outta Compton." " Hmm." "Man." "Sounds like you got a lot on your plate, babe." "Aw." "You got one girl driving you crazy, another girl driving crazy." "If you hadn't lost your mind already, we'd really be in trouble." "Well, you know what, since you're so concerned with my health and well being, you teach Lindsey to drive." " I ain't scared of that girl." " You may not have any hair on your head, but I'll bet she can turn your eyebrows gray." " Pssht." " Are we there yet?" "Okay, Lindsey." "Do you have your checklist memorized?" " Yes, dad." " All right, well, let's hear it." " When I am driving, there is no eating, no drinking, no makeup, no texting..." " Especially no texts." "As a matter of fact, every time you get in the car," "Where should your phone be?" " In the glove compartment." " That's right." "And when you take a call?" " Use my Bluetooth." " Make a call?" " Pull over..." " No." "Turn on your blinker, look in your mirrors, and safely pull over." " Right." "Do all that, then pull over" "And turn the car off." " All right." "It seems like you've been listening." "Check, check." "Check, check, check." "And check." "Good job." " I'm checking my mirrors to be sure it is safe to proceed." " Why are you checking mirrors?" "The street is right in front of you." " oh." " No radio, no singing, no humming, no head bobbing, no finger snapping, no finger tapping, no head nodding, no lip-synching." "Shouldn't you be writing this down?" " Mom!" " Oh, absolutely, Ashley." "oh..." "O.M.G., Ashley." "Okay." "Okay." "Okay, bye-bye." "Now after they cut the birthday cake, they want fireworks." " If they wanted real fireworks, they could just cancel the party and watch the girl explode." " Hi, Ashley." "Oh, a white tiger, and you want to ride it." "Okay." " Kevin." " Yeah?" " Where are you going with that giant bottle of soda?" " It's for my science project." "I'm building a rocket." "All I need is this and a pack of mentos." " Kevin, building a rocket is too easy and unoriginal." "Now, I'm not gonna have you get shown up by those other kids in your class like you did last year." "So this year, you're going to build" "Something original that no one else will have:" "a solar-powered house." " What?" "Mom!" "What's so original about a solar-powered house?" "Everybody's got a house." "Who do you know who has a rocket?" " Well, I can tell you who's not going to have one." "Kevin, last year, you got a "d" on your science project." "Now, it wasn't your fault, because all the other kids had help with their projects." "So this year, I'm helping you, and we, meaning you, are building a solar-powered house." " Can it be the House of a guy who has a rocket?" " Sure." " Yes!" " Yeah!" "Uhh." " Uhh." " wow." "Lindsey." "Nice work." " Check." " Sounds like the driving lesson was a success." " Dad is awesome." " Check." "All it took was just a little bit of patience." " Mm-Hmm." "Nick, I can't stand you." "You mean to tell me you spent three hours in the car with that girl and didn't have a problem?" " Nope." " Nothing?" " Nada." " Serious?" " All right, we may have went the wrong way down a one-way street, but other than that..." "What's this?" " Kevin's science project." "I'm helping him." "We're building a solar-powered house." " I thought he wanted to build a rocket." " I do." " Be quiet!" " Hey." " Hey." "How's it going with Ashley?" " Don't ask." "What's all this?" " Kevin's science project." "We're building a solar-powered house." " Stupid question." " Won't be the first." " But I always wondered..." "What happens at night?" " Huh?" "okay, miss energy efficient." "You didn't think about that, did you?" "Now, y'all figure that out, you come and then you talk to me about a solar house." "But until then, I'm sticking with the wall plugs." " Ashley?" " Mm-Hmm." "Now she wants a red carpet for her V.I.P. Arrivals." " Somebody should tell her she's 16." "Nobody important is at her party." " I'm hungry." " Do you want a cracker?" " Mmm." " Why does she keep calling?" " She's in her car." " Gigi." " Gotta go." " Kevin." " Yeah?" " Why are you using my good glue?" " I'm building a launch tower for my rocket." " I said he had a rocket." "I didn't say he had it in his backyard." " So no launch tower?" " Your launch has been postponed." "Go upstairs." " Hey, sleepy." " Hi." "Where were you?" " A little coffee run." "Plus I gassed up your car and got it washed." "You were still knocked out when I left." "What were you doing up so late last night?" " Working on Kevin's project." "I didn't come to bed till almost 2:00." "I had no idea how much work goes into building a solar-powered house." " You're not supposed to." "Maybe you should let Kevin work on his own project." " Well, none of those other kids are working on their projects," "And I'm not gonna let him walk in with some funky old rocket" "When all these other kids are showing up with nuclear reactors made out of Popsicle sticks and nuclear reactor parts." " Somebody had that?" " No, I'm just saying." " Baby, isn't the point of the project" "To let the kid work and learn something?" " Who are you, Bill Nye the science guy?" "No." "The point of the project is to get an "a."" "And when those other parents let their kids learn something, then I'll let my kid learn something." "But in the meantime, we all just gonna have to be stupid together." "What?" " Nothing." " Mom." "Mommy." " Can you move the car?" " What are you doing?" "Don't wake her up." " What?" " Come on." " I want to skateboard, but mom's car's in the driveway." " Fine, I'll move it." " You can't drive." " Do you want to skateboard or not?" " Skateboard." " Come on." " Uh-uh." "I'll come out once you're out of that car." "You need my helmet?" " Nope." " Nick!" "Gigi, are you sure you don't know what happened?" " Suzanne, I drove around the block while you picked up the box." "If something happened, I'd noticed!" " Well, somebody around here better know something, because I'm about ready to explode!" " What's up?" " Why is there a dent in my car?" " Well, I don't know how it happened," "But I know one thing, I didn't do it." " Well, you're the only other one who drove it." " That doesn't mean I dented it." " Yeah, it kind of does." " The only people who drove the car" "Besides me and Gigi was you and Lindsey." "She didn't do it when she was with me, and she didn't do it when she was with you." "Did she?" " No." " Well, all right, then." " All right, then, what?" " Who did it?" " Maybe you dented it, and you didn't realize it." " Nick, I think I would know if I dented my car." " What about the time you d..." " Aren't you hungry?" " Uh, yes." "Yes, I am hungry." " Okay, let's go through it again." "So you went to get coffee this morning..." " Right." " And you went to the car wash." " Right." " Wait!" "That's it!" " You dented it at the car wash?" " No." "The reason I went to the car wash" "Is because I got a free coupon when I valeted" "At the restaurant last night." " Great." "So..." "Now what?" " I'm going down there." "They're gonna pay for that dent." "oh." "Yeah." "That'll happen." "Right after Jessica alba starts responding to my emails." "You know that little ticket they give you at the valet?" " Yeah, so?" " Well, it indemnifies them against anything and everything" "That happens to the car while in their position" "Including but not limited to them stealing" "All your possessions and lighting the car on fire." "Technically speaking, they don't even need to park it." "They can just leave your car in the middle of the street." " Well, how do you know all that?" " Because one time, they left my car" "In the middle of the street." " Well, all I know is," "Somebody's about to pay for something." " Said the waitress to a certain professional golfer." " Kevin, be very, very careful with this." " Mom, if you keep telling me to be careful," "I'm gonna get nervous and drop it." " Okay, get nervous and drop it." " Mom!" " All right, all right." "Good luck." "I love you." " Bye, mommy." " Bye." "Oh, and don't forget to tell them to look inside so they can see the photoshopped family and the miniature couch and the solar-powered pet." "Eek!" "So cute." " We didn't dent your precious prius." " Look, maybe you did it and you didn't realize it." "That's all." " We didn't, and even if we did, it's not our responsibility." "It says in our policy" "That we're not responsible for anything." "If I leave your car in the middle of the street," "Guess what, it's not our fault." "It's a contract." " No, no, no." "That is not a contract." "That is a claim ticket, man." "What are you talking about?" " It's a contract." "Prince the musician, he never parks here" "Because he hates contract." "You want to be like him, it's all good." "Okay, but listen to me." "It's accepting this and leaving your car with us," "You have accepted this a contract." "You're lucky to even have your car back." " Look, nobody reads these things, man." " Whose fault is that?" "I'm sorry." "Next time you come, we'll park your car for free..." "Only if I remember this conversation" "And you wear the same outfit." "You look the same, I look the same," "We can shake to it right now." " Dog, dog, you did not spit in your hand" "And put that near me." "Put your hand back in there." "Look, I don't know how they do things" "In Madagascar, where you from," "But I'm gonna tell you here right now." "I'm gonna tell you how this runs, brother." "Talking about some free parking?" "Free parking?" "Do you know how much my car cost?" "This is how this is about to run." "You are gonna pay to get my car fixed." " Or what?" " You know what's gonna happen if you don't?" "I will never come to this restaurant again." " You're never gonna come here?" "You know you are cheating yourself." "The food is fantastic." "It's the best you ever had." " I'm not missing the food." "I don't care about the food anymore." "I liked it." "I admit." "I loved the food in the past." " Okay." " But you know what, this is over, man." "This ruined the whole food experience for me." "You wrecked my car." " I will never see you again." " You'll never see me." " I'll never see that sweater again." "You promise me?" " You know what, can I talk to your supervisor please?" " I am the supervisor." " Oh, no." "The bowtie does not make you a supervisor." " This is my supervisor bowtie." " No, it's not." "Can I talk to the person who is responsible for this?" " I am responsible for everything" "In that we are not responsible for anything." "You know what," "I am never gonna valet here again." " Never?" " I'm gonna tell everybody too." "I'm gonna tell that this is not the place to go" "To get your car valeted." " You don't know anybody." "You have two friends on Facebook," "Your cousin and Tom." "You are walking away!" " It's a lose-lose situation." "If we pay out of pocket to fix the car," "It's gonna cost $500." " $500?" " Did you call the insurance company?" " Good question." "Yes." "And if we filed a claim," "Guess how much the deductible is." " $500." " $500." " And our rate could go up." " So we get punished because someone dented the car." " That's just a shame." " Uh, anybody want some water?" "I'm gonna go get some water because I'm thirsty." " Well, mom, do you know who dented your car?" " The valet at that restaurant." " Are you sure?" "Those valet guys are usually pretty good drivers." " Well, this one wasn't." " All I know is, if I worked at that valet stand" "And I knew the guy who dented mom's car," "They'd have to pay me a lot of money" "For me not to say anything." " What am I gonna do?" "What am I gonna do?" " I don't know." "It seems like you got yourself in a real situation." " Kevin, come on." "This isn't funny." " Oh, trust me." "I know." "It's not funny for you, but it's hilarious over here." " There's no way I can let mom and dad find out about this." " Oh, yeah." "I totally agree." "It would be disastrous." " Kevin" " Yes?" " Please don't tell mom and dad about this." " What makes you think I'd do such a thing?" " Kevin, come on, dude." "Please." " Trust me, Lindsey." "I don't want to." "But mom, she loves her car," "And it'd just be awful for me not to say anything." " All right." "Fine." "What's it gonna cost me?" " I don't know." "I was thinking, like, three figures." " $100!" "I'll give you $20." " $50." " $35, and I'll keep my mouth shut the next time" "You do something you don't want them to know about." " Like what?" " Like extorting your sister for money." " Okay, deal." "Uh, do you mind picking up around here?" "I'm thinking about having Troy over later." "Oh, yeah, you can take that." "She's nasty." " what'd you get?" "What'd you get?" " I got a "c"!" " You got a "c"?" "How did you get a "c"?" " Well, my teacher took her pen and made a little half circle" "And told me that my solar-powered house" "Was unoriginal and uninspired." " I don't believe that." " Yeah, and she also told me" "That if I didn't have the launchpad," "I would have gotten a "d."" "Yeah, and she also told me that that was" "The only interesting thing about the project" "And if I had the rocket with it, I would have gotten an "a."" "I mean, I'm just sayin'." "You know, I'm just..." " I'm just sayin', I may be wrong," "But you're still 12, and by the time the cops get here," "It'll be too late." " I love you, mommy." " Mm-Hmm." " Dad, what are you doing?" " I'm going to picket the valet at Jimmy's." "Either he's getting fired, or I'm getting arrested," "But somebody's getting something." " Dad, wait." "You can't go." "I'm the one who dented moms car." "What?" " It happened the other day while you were asleep." "Kevin was going to wake you up because he wanted" "To go outside and go skateboarding," "But your car was parked inside the driveway," "So I just thought I'd move it for you," "And I backed into a fire hydrant." " Girl, I should whup..." " No, let me." "I got this." " No, no, no." "Baby, run!" "Run!" "Go, Lindsey!" " Yeah, you know... you better move." "And try not to hit anything!" " don't back into a fire hydrant" "Wasn't on your checklist?" " Oh, don't put this on me, Suzanne." "Look, if you wasn't so busy working" "On Kevin's science project, you wouldn't have fell asleep," "And she wouldn't have had to move the car." " Oh, so now this is my fault?" " It's not about whose fault it is." "But if it was..." "It'd be yours." "Look, you ain't no different than the girl" "With the parents and the party." " Yes, I am." " How?" " I ain't got to explain myself to you." " Oh, that's real mature." "You can't hide from the truth, Suzanne." " Give me two minutes, please." " Hey, man." "You remember me?" " No." " The prius." " No." " The blue sweater." " No." " We got in an argument." " No." " I walked away." " You..." "let me see." "Turn around." " Oh, the meats in the back of your neck." "I remember." "I remember you." " Okay." " Blue sweater." " Yeah, yeah." " Prius." " Yes." " Dent." " Okay." " Argument." " Yeah." "Um, look, look." "I..." "I came down here to apologize for how things went." "All right?" "It turns out you didn't dent my car." " Of course I didn't." "And if I did, I'm not responsible." "Who dented the car?" " My daughter." " Hey!" "What did she hit?" " A fire hydrant." " Hey!" "Let me get this straight." "So you come here and accuse me, and all this time," "The criminal is in your own house." "I should sue you for defamation of character." " Listen, I'm sorry you feel that way, man." "That's why I'm... that's why I'm here." " I don't want to hear it." "You're like Sarah Palin, and I'm like Barack Obama." "And your daughter, she's George Bush." "Everything's her fault, but who they blame?" "Me, the black man." " Why are you talking about my daughter?" "She don't got nothing to do with this right here." " You mean a criminal that can't drive?" "I have 13 daughters, and all can drive." "What's wrong with yours?" " Listen, man." "Look, she took responsibility for her actions." "Why don't you take responsibility for yours?" " I don't have to." "It's in the ticket." "I'm not responsible for anything." "I'll read this to you." "pursuant to law, operator's liabilities for laws on damages to vehicles by fire..." " Yeah, okay." " theft, explosion." " Okay." " Boom!" " Yeah." " Key rust." " Okay, look, look." "I know, all right?" "I know." "How can you open a business and then write on a piece" "Of paper that you have no idea what you're doing" "And then do it anyway?" " Yes." " Listen." "You can't get a job driving a bus" "And then hand everybody a ticket saying" "If you crash into a wall and kill everybody on board," "Then it's not your fault." " What's wrong with that?" " You can't open a restaurant and then hand everybody a ticket" "And say you don't know how to cook" "And you give everybody food poisoning" "And you say it's not your responsibility." " Why not?" " You cannot go into a hospital and then cut somebody open," "Pull out their heart, and kill them" "And then hand them a ticket saying" "You don't have any responsibility." " Obviously, you've never been to Africa."