"(PLAYFUL MUSIC PLAYING)" "(CHILDREN SINGING)" "FRANK:  0900." "Ina fewshorthours, Iwasgoingintocombat againstmyownchildren." "Anyonewhohasachild knowswhatI'mtalkingabout." "That'stherealwar , ourgenerationagainsttheirs." "Standingonthatdeck, surroundedby thousandsofmen," "Isuddenlyfelt smallerandlonelier thanI 'deverfeltinmylife." "I'dbeenthrough thissameGoldenGate whenFranceshaddied, andI 'dcomehome onemergencyleave." "NowI wasbackfor good." "I'dleftmorethanmyheart  inSanFrancisco, 10children,to be exact." "Aswesailedunder thatbridge,Ididn'tknow  Iwaspassingundermyfuture, becausewhileIwas goinghome  tofacemy family," "Helenwasbringinghers toa newlifeina newcity." "HELEN:" "And don't think Iwasn'tfrightened." "IhadbecomeaNavy widow." "Ithoughtit wasagood idea  togetafreshstart wherethesurroundings wouldn'tremindme of Dick." "Butfourof my surroundings lookedexactlylikehim ." "Whattroubledme  morethananythingelse wasthekidsseemed moreupsetaboutleaving theirfriendsin Seattle thanbytheloss oftheirfather." "Ittookme alongtime  tolearnhowlittle Iknewaboutchildren especiallymyown." "FRANK:" "As the ship sailedintothebay , Itookagoodlook around, becauseI knewI'dcompleted mylasttouraboardher." "Mybrother,Howard, andhiswifehad been takingcareof my kidsfor me,  butnowit wasDaddy'sturn ." "SoI starteddown thegangplank, blissfullycertain Iwasdoingthe rightthing, noblysacrificingmyself formychildren, givingupmy worldfor theirs." "Pullingawayforever fromships,andoceans, andhomecomings totakeup shoreduty." "Papacamemarchinghome secureintheknowledgethat  theyneededme desperately andwouldbe overjoyed thatI 'dcomeback totakecareofthem ." "Buttheycontrolled theirfeelingsbeautifully." "Itwasthesortofwelcome thatcouldmakeany father reviewhisposition ontheentirequestion ofbirthcontrol." "Incredibleasit maysound," "Ithinktheyblameme forneglectingtheirmother allthoseyears." "Butitseemedtome therewasenough physicalevidence thatI hadn't neglectedhercompletely." "Isupposewhatthey reallycouldn'tunderstand waswhyIwas allowing mybrotherandhis wife totakeGermaineand Joan awayfromthefamily." "Here you go, baby." "Come on, come with Uncle Howard." "(LAUGHS)" "Oh, you couldn't take care of two little babies, Frank." "Not yet." "They'll be happier with us for a little while." "I hope you can learn to manage the rest." "You've hardly been home long enough to learn their names." "I'm home now." "I'll manage." "Don't you worry." "Goodbye, pumpkin." "Bye, baby." "Don't give them any trouble." "If you live through this, the Navy's going to have to get a new kind of medal for you." "(CHUCKLES)" "Good luck, Frank." "Good luck." "You're gonna need it." "CHILDREN:" "Goodbye, Joan." "Goodbye, Germaine." "BOY:" "Goodbye." "(CHILDREN CHATTERING)" "(DOOR CLOSES)" "Well, let's get something to eat. (SIGHS)" "They're not going to an orphanage, you know." "They'll be half a mile away." "You can see them any time." "Susan, Louise, come on." "It's only until I get things straightened out around here." "And then what?" "You planning on auctioning off the rest of us?" "Where would I find a bidder?" "Come on, everybody, in the kitchen." "Let's get dinner organized." "Which one of us do you wanna cook?" "The war was on." "FRANK:" "I put an ad in the paperforahousekeeperthat  broughtimmediateresults." "Thefirstone lastedanentireday ." "Thesecondone lastedsevendays." "Wediscoveredshewas hiding fromthepolice." "Aftera weekwithus,  sheturnedherselfin." "Nowondermengo downtothesea inships." "I'dhavegoneback ina liferaft." "HELEN:" "I had rented anidealhouse closetotheNavybase  soI couldworkparttime  inthedispensary, closetotheschool, closetotheplayground anda littletooclose totheboynextdoor ." "Iwasbroad-minded aboutit,though." "Iwasgonnagivethat boy twomoreseconds beforeI wentoutthere andbrokeit up ." "(CHILDREN SHOUTING)" "BOY 1:" "I hate ants." "I hate ants." "I hate ants!" "BOY 2:" "Oh, come on, this is really stupid." "Listen, what are you doing?" "What are you..." "You hate ants." "Never mind." "Now, that belongs to her." "What is the matter with you?" "You've been acting like this all week." "Mother, how's a person supposed to hear?" "HELEN:" "Colleen, I'd like to know what's going on between you and that boy." "And I don't care if he does look like Paul Newman." "Is the spanking over?" "No, it is not over." "Listen, what's gotten into you lately?" "Where is that good little boy that used to live here?" "I'll never be a good boy again." "I'm never gonna be good." "I don't wanna die." "What are you talking about?" "Nicky told me that the good die young, and that's why Daddy died." "You can hit me and you can hit me, but I'll never be a good boy again." "FRANK:" "Funny." "The beginning oftheschoolyearhadnever  beena problemto Frances." "Thegirlsjustpassed theirdressesdown fromoneto another, anditallsortof cameouteven." "Haveyoueverbeen fiveyearsold andforcedto appearinpublic ina dressthathad  threeformerowners, restyledbyan oldsailmaker?" "Fiveyearsold andnofutureatall." "(SIGHS)" "HELEN:" "And then one day, FrankandIjusthappened torunintoeachother." "FRANK:" "I'd been wrapped up inmychildrenfor solong  thatgettingthisclose toanattractivewoman setmyearlywarningradar pulsingfrantically." "HELEN:" "I was glad tohaveareason fora secondlookmyself." "Did you requisition those Fresnel lenses we need?" "I'll answer that tomorrow." "The working day has ceased." "Just starting for me." "Drop me at the house." "Frank, do you realize that at this very hour the Officers' Club is jam-packed with two-legged goodies?" "We owe it to our brethren at sea to do unto others as they would if they had our chance." "Darrell, it may come as a shock to you, but there are other things besides girls." "Yeah, women." "Now, don't tell me it isn't on your mind." "Any fella who has 10 children just doesn't quit cold turkey." "And if you'd only just..." "(TIRES SCREECH)" "Hey!" "Why don't you watch where you're..." "Oh, hello." "Hi." "Well, old Sam the hermit gets out of the cave once in a while." "She had my Cream of Wheat, and I had her Post Toasties." "What?" "Saw her at the commissary, that's all." "Frank, what's wrong with you?" "You gonna be an old maid the rest of your life?" "You really think that's what Frances would've wanted?" "Probably not, but give me time." "Time?" "You're a borderline case already." "You may only have a few more cruises left in you." "Come on in." "I'll buy you a beer." "I thought you'd never ask me." "You can stop worrying about me." "Things are looking up." "I finally found a housekeeper who seems to have staying power." "Soon I'll ask you to loan me your little black book, but right now..." "Where you going, Mrs. Anderson?" "Mrs. Anderson was last week." "I'm Mrs. Ferguson, and you can mail me my check." "She left her broomstick." "All right, what happened this time?" "Who did what to Mrs. Ferguson?" "(OVERLAPPING CONVERSATIONS)" "All right, one at a time." "One at a time." "She and Louise had a fight." "A bad fight." "Because Louise wouldn't come out of the bathroom." "She was taking a bath for an hour." "She went in, and they were yelling at each other." "FRANK:" "Is that strawberry jam on your hands?" "Raspberry." "I guess she started shaking her..." "Or she slipped on the soap." "Anyway, she fell." "She didn't fall." "She fainted, right on the floor." "Anyway, when Mrs. Ferguson came out, I was kind of mad, and I had to push her." "(OVERLAPPING CONVERSATIONS)" "Wait a minute." "Hold it!" "Louise fainted?" "Where is she?" "BOY:" "She's in her room crying." "She won't come out and she won't let us in." "We tried." "I think she's dying." "And what have you been playing with?" "Ink." "Hmm." "Indelible." "Louise." "Louise, what in the world happened between you and Mrs. Ferguson?" "(SOBBING) I don't wanna talk about it." "Leave me alone." "Mary said you fainted." "Is something wrong?" "No." "I just wish I could get out of this house and drown myself, that's all." "At least I'd be alone." "Let me take you to the dispensary, have them check you out." "No." "I don't wanna see any doctors, and I don't want them to see me!" "But, Louise..." "No, please." "I don't want to." "No, stop it!" "I don't want to." "No, put me down!" "I don't wanna go, please." "Stop it, I don't want to." "Mr. Beardsley?" "How is she?" "Oh, she's fine." "Nothing to worry about." "May I talk to you?" "Privately." "Oh." "I forgot my Post Toasties." "We've scarcely met, but I feel that I must talk to you about this." "Of course." "Uh, your daughter tells me that you're a widower?" "Yes, that's right." "I'm awfully sorry." "Louise seems to feel the loss of her mother very deeply." "On top of that, she's going through a very trying time emotionally." "I don't quite understand." "Am I being stupid?" "(CHUCKLES)" "No, you're being a man, which is sometimes the same thing." "Oh, you can learn to do the shopping for the family and maybe even do the dishes," "but that doesn't exactly make you a mother." "Well, I'm not really cut out for the job." "Well, it seems that it's not been easy for Louise to explain to you that..." "(SIGHS)" "You know, a tree can blossom in the middle of a busy city, but a young girl needs privacy, and she hasn't been able to find it at home." "So if she's been emotional, or upset, or even a little bit hysterical, it's because she's growing up and suddenly changing." "(SIGHS) Is that all?" "Why didn't she tell me?" "Because you would've said, "Is that all?"" "(CHUCKLES)" "She said that she's been very upset about having to share her room at home, and today, when the maid walked in while she was taking a bath," "she was so embarrassed that she..." "Oh, poor Louise." "Stopped being a little girl, and I never noticed." "Well, if it's any help, I understand." "I'm a widow, and I have the same problem in reverse." "Now I'm sorry." "Have you been alone very long?" "Forever." "Almost a year now." "I know what you mean." "Dick was a navigator." "He crashed, routine training flight." "Navy?" "What else is there?" "Mmm." "Children?" "Mmm-hmm." "They say it's toughest on the kids, but they haven't convinced me." "I know." "And right now I think you have a rather difficult assignment with your daughter." "I think you should go in and talk to her and take her home." "Thank you, Mrs..." "North." "Helen." "Thank you, North Helen." "(LAUGHS)" "When are you on duty here?" "Afternoons." "Five days a week." "Any of my kids get sick on the weekend," "I'll hold them over." "(CHUCKLES)" "Hi." "How do you feel?" "I'm fine." "Can I go home now?" "Sure." "Turn around." "(SPEAKING FRENCH)" "(BOTH CONTINUE SPEAKING FRENCH)" "(BOTH CONTINUE SPEAKING FRENCH)" "(TURNS OFF TELEVISION)" "(BOTH SPEAKING FRENCH ON TELEVISION)" "(PHONE RINGS)" "Hello." "Is this North Helen?" "Uh, yes." "Who is this?" "This is Frank Beardsley." "Oh, are you having more problems?" "No, no." "I just called to thank you for helping me with my daughter today." "Well, now, that's the worst reason I ever heard" "for calling a woman at 11:00 at night." "(CHUCKLES)" "Well, I'm a little out of practice." "(CHUCKLES) Well, as a matter of fact, so am I." "Oh, for heaven's sake, ask her out to dinner." "Who's that?" "Colleen, what are you doing on this phone?" "I have to make a very important call, and he gets off duty at the taco stand at 11:15." "Colleen, hang up." "(SIGHS) I'm sorry." "Don't be." "I could never have done it without her." "How about dinner?" "Tomorrow night." "Well..." "Mother, it's 11:14." "What time would you like to pick me up?" "About 1900?" "Oh, aye, aye, sir." "Good night, Helen." "Good night, Frank." "Good night, Colleen." "COLLEEN:" "Oh, Mother, don't blink." "You've got to let the glue dry." "Oh, but I look ridiculous with all this goop on my eyes." "Mommy, you're beautiful." "You sure are." "Thank you, but is it necessary that I wear these eyelashes?" "I got your father without them." "Mmm, but you were younger then." "Yeah." "Here." "Here goes the other side." "Hold steady." "Okay, let me take it now." "Mother." "What?" "Is he handsome?" "I mean, in an old sort of way." "Gee, I can hardly wait to meet him." "Me too." "Oh, let's not overwhelm him with family." "Not the first date, huh?" "You mean he doesn't know about us?" "Of course he does, darling." "All of us?" "Oh, Mother, that's so romantic." "You lied to him." "I did not lie to him." "I just didn't have the nerve to tell him the whole truth." "Mmm, I understand." "No man wants a liaison with a woman with eight children." "What's a liaison?" "An affair." "That's what I thought." "Me too." "I am not having an affair, and I'm not having a liaison." "I'm merely going to dinner." "As soon as I tell him about all of you, he'll bring me home in plenty of time for dessert." "(STRUMMING ON GUITAR)" "Mike, see that it's lights out by 10:00." "10:00?" "We're back in kindergarten?" "They stay up later in prison." "Would you like to move?" "Mike, when you finish with the slot cars, will you spend 10 minutes with your geometry book?" "RUSTY:" "Flowers, Pop?" "Is that corny." "How do you expect to make any time with that approach?" "We are just going to dinner." "It isn't going to be a love-in." "You can say that again." "(CHUCKLES) No such luck." "Did you tell the lady you have 10 little children," "two of them given away?" "You bet he didn't." "He'll hand her those flowers, then give her a snow job on how lonely it is here at home." "(CHILDREN SIGH MOCKINGLY)" "You listen to me." "Every time in the last year that I've dared take a woman to dinner, or been reckless enough to bring her home to meet you kids, you've done all you could to make her unwelcome and unhappy." "Well, I've had it." "I'm doing all I can for you, little as that is, I think I deserve some consideration." "I suppose I'm being unfair." "Who did this?" "My generation is the givers, your generation, the takers." "Well, it's time to strike a blow for freedom." "From now on, I intend to think of myself first." "If this be treason, make the most of it." "But are you gonna tell her?" "Yes, I'm going to tell her." "(STRUMMING)" "Oh, you're gonna be a knockout tonight, Mom." "JEAN:" "Yeah, Mom, you're beautiful." "Thank you, darling." "Good heavens, what did you do to this dress?" "Oh, Mother, it was practically an antique." "We just shortened it a little." "A little?" "I look like a teenybopper." "Well, what's wrong with that?" "I can't go out in this." "Why not?" "Your legs are better than mine." "It'll be okay as soon as we shorten the slip." "Give me those pins." "Oh, heavens." "Jean, run downstairs and tell Tommy to whistle the minute he sees Mr. Beardsley." "But I wanna watch." "Please, Jean." "The minute he sees Mr. Beardsley." "Will you stand still?" "You'll get this pin stuck in you." "(SIGHS) Great, I'm put together with pins and glue." "If there's a strong wind, I'm in trouble." "(TOMMY WHISTLES)" "There he is." "(GIRLS GASP)" "He's coming!" "Hurry up." "Hurry up." "NICKY:" "Look at him." "BOY:" "Wow, look at that car!" "He's in the Navy." "NICKY:" "Look at that jacket." "Look at those stripes." "He's got flowers for Mom." "GIRL:" "Yeah, blue eyes." "NICKY:" "Boy, I bet you that guy's rich." "(CHILDREN CHATTERING)" "All right." "No!" "Pass it on." "The door." "Get away from the door." "Get away from that door." "Get away." "Get back." "Get back." "Oh!" "Hello there." "Hello." "Well, we better hurry." "I know how you like to get places on time." "I do?" "Yeah." "Where are we going?" "San Francisco." "Little place..." "Oh, I brought you flowers." "Oh, thank you." "Why, they're beautiful." "Shouldn't you put them in the house, give them some water?" "Oh, of course." "I don't know what I was thinking." "They're my favorite." "Uh, beautiful night, isn't it?" "HELEN:" "I had a wonderful time atdinner." "Ididn'tknowwhether itwasthefood,orFrank , orthefactthatIdidn'thave todothedishes." "FRANK:" "I couldn't stoptalking." "Itoldher aboutFrances,theNavy, aboutthenew carrierlandingsystem Iwasworkingon." "Itoldherabouteverything butthechildren." "Funnyhowthatnevercame up." "IguessIfigured itwouldbe easier overanIrishcoffee." "(MUSIC PLAYING) -(INDISTINCT TALKING)" "HELEN:" "While Frank wasgettingthedrinks," "Iwastryingtofigureout themostgracefulway  tobreakit to him." "By the way, I have eight children." "Speaking of eight children, (CHUCKLES) that's what I have." "Have I mentioned that I have eight children?" "I have eight children." "Well, don't look at me." "I just got here." "Excuse me, please." "Pardon me. (CHUCKLES)" "Oh, that's all right." "That's why I come in this place." "What's your excuse?" "WOMAN:" "Pardon me, sir." "(BOTH CHUCKLING)" "Oh!" "Oh, I'm sorry, I..." "That's all right." "That's why I come to this place." "What?" "That's a line I picked up on my way back from the bar." "I don't know, you may have to drink this through your ear." "Uh, Frank, there's something I wanna tell you." "What?" "Uh..." "That was a wonderful dinner we had tonight." "I enjoyed all eight courses." "So did I." "Speaking of children..." "We weren't speaking of children." "Oh, thank goodness." "Tonight, there are no children in the world." "We're all alone on this desert island." "Just you, and me, and a native who makes Irish coffee." "(CHUCKLES) I'll drink to that." "FRANK:" "Helen." "Yes, Frank?" "There's something I've been meaning to tell you." "What?" "No, I want you to look at me first." "No, look at me." "Just a moment." "WOMAN:" "May I have a light?" "Not on your life, sweetheart." "Ridiculous." "Something wrong?" "Uh, no." "No, no." "What did you want to tell me?" "Well, this is the last time I'm going to bring up the subject, but you do like children, don't you?" "Yeah." "Yeah, within reason." "In that case, the hell with it." "No." "No, no, as long as you brought it up, there's something I've been meaning to tell you." "What?" "Well..." "Oh..." "FRANK:" "What?" "What's the matter?" "I beg your pardon." "Something wrong?" "Uh, yes." "Yes, Frank," "I have this terrible craving for a cigarette." "I don't know what I'll do if I don't get a cigarette." "I may have a nicotine fit." "Could you get me a pack from the machine?" "What brand?" "King-size or regular?" "Filter or non-filter?" "Yeah, wonderful." "What?" "And hurry." "Well, here, hold this." "HELEN:" "Oh!" "DARRELL:" "Hello, nurse." "HELEN:" "Darrell." "Well, Helen." "Hello, Darrell." "Oh!" "(CHUCKLING)" "Your Irish coffee is winking at me." "Oh, Darrell, help me." "Does this happen often or only during the molting season?" "Hurry, please." "Now, don't you worry, honey." "I'm very good at this." "I've got an admiral with a loose toupee." "Coming through." "Pardon me." "I'm sorry." "Back for seconds?" "Darrell, what are you doing here?" "Chaperoning?" "No, I've been here since yesterday." "Haven't been able to get out." "You mean you haven't been trying." "Cigarette?" "No, thanks." "I don't smoke." "What did you do to your eye?" "What did you do to my eye?" "Don't listen to him." "It's perfect." "Let's drink to the perfect couple." "Two people who have so much in common." "It's positively nauseating." "To our nurse." "You know, I just found out that she has a family of..." "Oh, I'm so sorry." "(CHUCKLING) That's all right." "I'm used to it." "Over at Frank's, when they pass the soup, it's like Niagara Falls." "He probably hasn't mentioned it, but he happens to have a..." "Gosh, I'm sorry." "Sure is a rough sea tonight." "Yeah, it's very crowded in here." "Yeah, speaking of crowds, you know, you two kids really belong to each other." "I just found out that she's the mother of..." "Squeezing through..." "Oh!" "Who pushed me?" "Here, let me help you." "Hey, if you two wanna be alone, why don't you give a guy a little hint?" "Let's get out of here." "Sorry." "(INDISTINCT TALKING)" "Frank." "What?" "How could you lose your slip?" "Shh!" "Don't ask questions." "It's back there someplace." "Do something about that floating eyelash." "Oh, you are a tiger, aren't you?" "(GROWLS PLAYFULLY)" "(LAUGHS)" "(BELL RINGING)" "Frank, before we go any further, there's something I have to tell you." "Now what fell off?" "No, no, nothing like that." "I wish it were something that trivial." "Frank, I have eight children." "Eight children!" "Four boys, four girls." "Different ages." "(BELL RINGING)" "Frank." "Frank, we're on a cable car." "Of course." "I get sick on cable cars." "FRANK:" "Wait till you hear what I have to tell you." "HELEN:" "What?" "FRANK:" "I have 10 children." "HELEN:" "Ten?" "Ten?" "Ten!" "Three boys, five girls." "That's only eight." "Oh, and two on loan-out." "Frank, eight and 10 is..." "Ridiculous." "Helen, let's get off this damn thing." "Now I'm feeling sick." "(BELL RINGING)" "Frank, what do you mean, "two on loan-out"?" "Well, a man alone," "I just haven't been able to keep a family that large together." "My brother and sister-in-law have the two youngest." "Oh, that's awful." "That's what my kids keep telling me." "They hate me for it, and I'm on their side." "I wish you had known Dick." "What was he like?" "Like you, in many ways." "All wrapped up in the Navy and his children." "And in you?" "Frank, I wanna thank you for a wonderful evening." "It was nice knowing you." "It was nice knowing you." "You know what?" "What?" "I'd like to buy you something." "Oh, that isn't necessary." "Souvenir of our first and last date." "How about that Buddha?" "Oh, no." "That looks like real jade." "How about that little fan?" "55 cents' worth of memories?" "HELEN:" "That's a pretty little lady." "You have excellent taste." "Thank you." "This is a Chinese goddess who confers her magical powers on all who gaze upon her." "What is she called?" "Kuan Yin." "What does that mean?" "Joyous symbol of fertility." "Wave him off." "Bring him around again." "3-4-Paddles." "Wave it off and bring it around again." "Why didn't you tell me she had eight kids?" "Why didn't I tell you?" "I got third-degree Irish coffee burns trying to tell you." "But don't you worry about a thing." "I've got a few less-crowded ladies who'll knock your hat off." "Let's drop the subject." "I've had it." "You haven't, and that's what worries me." "You've been in dry dock too long." "Ask him to move the ball around." "Come in low, check the red cell and come on in." "3-4-Paddles, move the ball around." "Check the red cell and bring it on in." "It's no use." "What girl is gonna want to spend a swinging evening" "with a man who has 10 children?" "A girl who doesn't know it." "Want me to lie?" "Of course not." "Don't bring the subject up until after." "Here he comes." "3-4-Paddles." "Nice pass." "Now, I know a quiet little Japanese restaurant." "I'll make the reservations." "Madeleine Love." "Now, there is a girl who is definitely not a talker." "What sort of a girl is she?" "Does that answer your question?" "No, Darrell, and stop trying to arrange my life." "Helen, I'm surprised you haven't met him." "Make a fist." "Ow!" "I haven't done anything yet." "I was practicing." "He's a wonderful doctor, the kind who scrubs for a date." "Tremendous reputation." "Nine handicap." "Now." "Ow!" "No more dates." "Don't think of him as a date." "Think of him as a meal." "Now, I know a quiet little Japanese restaurant." "I'll make the reservations." "Don't rush me." "What does he look like?" "I hate to use the word "Adonis," but there's no other way to say it." "A touch of gray at the temples, very distinguished." "Is he tall?" "He used to be a basketball player." "Hmm." "I had to lie, of course." "But anybody who knew Frank and Helen knew they belonged together." "All I had to do was let them stumble over each other a few times." "You have to do that with the marrying kind of people." "SoI toldherthatDr.Ashford wasabout6' 2",6' 3"." "Aharmlesslittlewhitelie." "HELEN:" "I wondered ifthedoctorwould besoattentiveifI told him" "Ihadthreechildren tallerthanhe was." "FRANK:" "Darrell's arrangement formyeveninghadn'tuttered awordsinceIpickedherup ." "Ihadno idea whatwason hermind untilwedrewup infrontof therestaurant." "There." "I hate suspense, don't you?" "Now you know, and I know." "Let's have a quick dinner." "Keep the motor running." "(SHAMISEN MUSIC PLAYING)" "Darrell said we had a lot in common." "Oh?" "After all, you're a nurse, I'm a doctor." "Oh." "What's your specialty?" "Obstetrics." "HELEN:" "Darrell had amalicioussenseofhumor." "IwasupsetthatFrankhad seenmewithDr. Ashford." "Idon'tknowwhy ." "FRANK:" "For some stupid reason, Ihadthefeeling Iwasbeingunfaithful." "AndMadeleinehadonly takenoffmy shoes." "HELEN:" "The doctor's bedsidemanner wasa littleprevious." "Iwasembarrassedtothink thatFrankmightbewatching." "Hewas." "You're not worshipping me." "Thank you." "Mmm-hmm." "Helen, I might as well be honest." "I'm a very lonely man." "There are times that I feel I could kick over the traces." "I'm not lonely at all." "Give up this race for money." "I'm the mother of eight children." "Travel to all the romantic places." "I have eight." "If I could find someone to go with me." "Doctor." "Doctor." "I'd like to find places..." "I don't think you've been paying attention." "I said I am the mother of eight children." "(LAUGHING)" "I've always admired a woman with a sense of humor." "FRANK:" "Meanwhile, backattheranch, itwasround-uptime." "That's a very handsome family." "Very handsome." "Thank you." "Excuse me a moment, please?" "Of course." "Dr. Ashford?" "Sayonara." "(TIRES SCREECH)" "Wasn't that your date?" "Yes, it was." "He had an emergency." "Come on, I'll take you home." "Hop in." "Oh, no, I wouldn't dream..." "Oh, Madeleine doesn't mind, do you?" "Are you kidding?" "You see?" "Well..." "She's my oldest girl." "She's going with this boy who rides a motorcycle." "Has hair practically down to his shoulders, and I think it's bleached." "She never talks to me about him, never brings him in so I can meet him." "I hardly know what to do." "You can't tell her not to see him." "It's like shooting off the starting gun." "I know." "You know, she's barely 16, and when he brings her home at night, they stay outside for about half an hour, kissing." "Heavens to Betsy!" "What will they think of next?" "My Veronica, she's seven." "She's so boy crazy, I'm afraid she's gonna get married before she's nine." "(LAUGHING)" "(MADELEINE LAUGHS MOCKINGLY)" "She doesn't care about school." "Only thing she can read are pictures." "Yeah, yeah." "Well, Tommy's almost nine." "He can hardly read." "But Jean, who's only seven, reads better than he does." "I have that in spades." "Louise is 12." "She corrects Rusty's spelling." "Well, Tommy can help Colleen and Janette with their math," "but he can't read." "I don't believe this whole conversation." "Did you put something in my sugar?" "I have a strange feeling I'm taking a trip." "How many kids do you have?" "Ten." "(GASPS)" "Helen, there's no reason for us to avoid seeing each other." "Well, I think we certainly could be friends." "The fact I'm a man, and you're a woman doesn't have anything to do with it." "And then the papa bear said to the mama bear," ""Who's been sleeping in my bed?"" "Oh, come on, drop me off at the exit." "Then you two can work yourselves up to a wild game of Post Office." "No, I couldn't do that to you." "Oh, please, Daddy, I'd prefer it." "Ten kids?" "I'm nervous just sitting next to you." "Helen." "Yes?" "Why am I pretending?" "I want to see you again, and not just to be friends and not just to talk about children." "I want to see you again too." "Know something else?" "In spite of all the aggravation and the misery and the yelling," "I'm glad I have 10 children." "And I'm glad I have my eight." "And I'm glad I'm careful." "HELEN:" "Between our work andthechildren, wesomehowwereable tostealafew hoursalone." "(ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING)" "(INAUDIBLE)" "FRANK:" "When every place wewentwasbetter becauseweweretogether, andI suddenlyrealized theemptinesswasgone andtheworldjustmight beworthlivinginagain," "Iknewit wastime fortheacidtest." "IinvitedHelentomyhouse  tomeetmy mafia." "VERONICA:" "Here she comes!" "Here she comes!" "GREG:" "What does she look like?" "Mean." "You can see it in her eyes." "Frank, I'm frightened." "Now, don't worry." "I had a long talk with the children." "They're going to love you." "Who locked the door?" "Sorry, Dad." "I'll talk to you later." "Well, group, this is Mrs. North." "Helen." "You know Louise." "Oh, yes." "Hello, Louise." "Hi." "And Mike." "Mike." "And Rusty and Rosemary." "Hello." "Susan." "Hello, Susan." "Veronica." "Hello, Veronica." "And Greg." "Greg." "You've met the family," "why don't we have a drink?" "Frank." "Yeah?" "This is only seven." "Mary." "Where's Mary?" "She's hiding." "FRANK:" "Mary, come on, let's not play games." "Hello, Mary." "I'm Aunt Helen." "You are not!" "I don't want another mother!" "I don't want another mother!" "Frank, I think I'm ready for that drink now." "Mike, you think you can handle the bar?" "What would you like, Aunt Helen?" "Uh, I'd like a light screwdriver, please." "Very light." "That's orange juice with a shot of vodka." "I know, Dad." "I'm sorry." "I'll have Scotch and water." "I know, Dad." "I keep forgetting Mike is 18." "Frank, do you really think it was a good idea, my coming here?" "Of course." "If you hadn't, you might have been hit by a truck." "Everything's gonna be all right." "You're sitting on my painting!" "Oh, I'm sorry, dear." "It's all right." "Oh." "You wanna fill that with orange juice?" "Who's it for?" "Aunt Helen." "Mike, these are finished." "Susan's gonna help you." "Susie, take these in there, will you?" "Thank you." "ROSEMARY:" "Okay, I'm gonna put these on the table." "Oh, hey, Rusty." "You wanna be a cocktail waitress?" "All right." "Which is which?" "Aunt Helen, Uncle Daddy." "HELEN:" "What's this?" "FRANK:" "An alligator." "HELEN:" "A flying alligator?" "FRANK:" "See the two little babies?" "Two little babies." "And these are from Mars, I suppose." "They're very good." "Oh, thank you." "Rusty?" "FRANK:" "Hold it, Susan." "How about a toast to our guest, everybody." "Through the teeth and over the gums." "Look out, stomach, here it comes." "Hold the Dylan Thomas till later, Greg." "To our charming dinner guest, welcome aboard." "Thank you." "Thank you." "It's delicious." "Oh, that's just wonderful." "And where was Veronica born?" "In Japan." "In Japan." "I call her my little fortune cookie because she came right after dinner." "(LAUGHING)" "That's funny." "Where's the fire?" "Dinner is served." "Oh, dinner is served." "I want you to know that Rosemary and Louise cooked this dinner themselves." "Oh, wonderful, wonderful, wonderful." "That's absolutely wonderful, Rosemary." "I'm Susan." "Oh, of course you are." "And don't you ever change, honey." "Let's go, Susan." "You have a wonderful family." "They're all just wonderful." "Absolutely wonderful." "Wonderful, wonderful, beautiful children." "Just so wonderful." "Whoa!" "Watch that first step." "That's a dilly." "Greg, will you hold the chair for our guest?" "Sure." "Thank you, Greg." "Thank you, Greg." "VERONICA:" "I'm hungry!" "FRANK:" "Veronica." "Bless us, O Lord..." "(HICCUPS LOUDLY)" "(ALL SNICKERING)" "Pardon me." "And these, thy gifts, which we are about to receive... (HICCUPS)" "(LAUGHING)" "Pardon me." "From thy bounty through Christ our Lord." "(HICCUPS) Amen." "You all right?" "Oh, wonderful, wonderful, wonderful." "VERONICA:" "I'm hungry." "Can I have a potato?" "(ALL TALKING INDISTINCTLY)" "RUSTY:" "Pass it around." "I'm hungry!" "I want some bread." "Hey, come on, I want the bread." "Can I have some milk?" "Here, want some milk?" "I can do it myself." "Sure, you can do it yourself." "Certainly you can." "Sure you can." "Boy, is it warm in here!" "Don't you think it's warm in here?" "Want some potatoes?" "Yes." "There we go." "You want some potatoes?" "Okay." "Okay, there you are." "Hey!" "You got it on my dress!" "(LAUGHING)" "Oh!" "I'm..." "Hey!" "Oh." "Oh!" "(LAUGHING)" "HELEN:" "Oh, good heavens!" "(LAUGHING)" "Oh, I'm so..." "I'm sorry, honey." "Oh, I'm so sorry." "I..." "Rosemary, help Veronica get cleaned up." "I didn't mean it." "I'll clean her up." "(SOBBING)" "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." "I don't know what's wrong with me." "What a terrible thing to do." "I'm... (LAUGHING)" "(SOBBING) I'm sorry." "(LAUGHING)" "Dick, I feel sick again." "It's Frank." "Oh, Lord, what have I done?" "You haven't done anything." "Yes, I have." "I've fallen in love, that's what I've done." "I promised myself I'd never fall in love again." "And I wanted to make such a good impression on you and your children, and now I've been acting like an idiot." "And I don't know why." "I don't know why." "I just feel..." "Oh, if this damn room would stop rolling around," "maybe I could find someplace to be sick." "Louise, you better show Mrs. North the bathroom and help her." "This way." "I don't know why." "I don't know why." "The court of inquiry is now in session." "Oh." "You didn't have to wait dinner for me." "FRANK:" "We've decided to use our company manners." "Helen, the boys have something to tell you." "Mrs. North, I apologize for putting all that gin in your drink." "Oh, that's what did it." "And I apologize for all that vodka." "And I apologize for the Scotch." "Scotch, vodka and..." "Helen, you've been the victim of an alcoholic Pearl Harbor." "It's amazing you survived at all." "Your bartenders will be dealt with later." "Oh, please." "Please, Frank, don't blame them." "At least what they did was honest." "They don't want another mother, and I don't blame them." "And you, Frank..." "Frank, I think you should be on your ship at sea." "That's where you belong." "And if the children don't want me, I understand." "Now, hear this." "My interest in you has nothing to do with securing a mother for my children." "They don't deserve anyone as good as you." "Furthermore, I have no desire to go back to sea." "In fact, if you'll have me, Helen," "I'll be happy to remain ashore forever, because I happen to love you." "And nobody put anything in my drink." "Oh, Frank, do you mean that?" "Of course I mean it." "That's why I said it in front of so many witnesses, untrustworthy though they may be." "Oh, Frank." "I give it six months." "(WEDDINGMARCHPLAYING)" "FRANK:" "Itwasatypicalwedding." "Enemiesofthebride ontheright,enemies ofthegroomontheleft." "I'veseenfiringsquads withmorecompassion." "HELEN:" "When I saw allthechildrenlinedup," "Iwonderedif Frankand I reallyhadtheright todothistothem ." "Allyouhadtodowaslook atthosefacestoguess whattheywerethinking." "MIKE:" "All those photographersoutside, they'regonnaplaster ourpicturesallover thenewspapersandTV." "Wewon'tbe afamily." "We'regoingto be  afreakshow." "JANETTE:" "When the kids atschoolfindout aboutthis , I'mgonnakillmyself." "COLLEEN:" "I wonder why they'regettingmarried." "Cantherepossibly bea physicalthing betweenthemtoo?" "ROSEMARY:" "At their age?" "GREG:" "Yuck!" "VERONICA:" "She has mean eyes." "HELEN:" "HowcanIdoitto them?" "HowcanIdoitto Frank ?" "AllI haveto do  isbeverycalm, turnaroundandrun ." "Onyourmark,get set ..." "FRANK:" "Helen." "Damn the torpedoes." "Full speed ahead." "(INDISTINCT TALKING AND LAUGHTER)" "Here." "What do you do with this?" "Throw it, stupid." "Oh." "Hey!" "(CHILDREN SHOUTING)" "Cut it out!" "The snow came a little early this year." "GIRL:" "He started it!" "That's no way to act at a wedding." "That's not nice!" "Oh, don't worry about a thing." "We'll take care of the children." "Sure." "Even if it kills us." "It's only for the weekend." "We'll be back Monday." "Goodbye, Janette." "Goodbye, Mommy." "Be a good girl." "Goodbye, Tommy." "See you." "Goodbye, Greg." "(GREG EXHALES)" "Goodbye, Mike." "Goodbye, Jean." "Goodbye, Veronica." "Goodbye, Mary." "Goodbye, Louise." "Bye, Jean." "You already kissed me." "Oh, I'm sorry." "By the time they finish saying goodbye, the honeymoon will be over." "Goodbye, Colleen." "Take care of the little ones." "Goodbye, Phillip." "(SNEEZES)" "What's that?" "Nothing." "Maybe pneumonia." "Oh, good heavens." "Frank." "Frank?" "Frank, tell me if you think he has a fever." "I do it back here." "He might." "Oh, dear." "Do I have to go to school?" "HELEN:" "Frank, I can't leave if Phillip's sick." "Never in our entire married life will all of our kids be healthy at the same time." "But last year he had asthma." "His lungs haven't been too..." "What's the matter?" "Something's wrong with Phillip." "Get him to bed." "Call the doctor." "We'll phone you soon as we check into our hospital." "I mean, our hotel." "If it's the flu, call me right away." "If it's anything more serious, I'll call you." "No, I couldn't do that." "I wouldn't know." "Well, I better call you every hour." "Make him stay in bed, and until you're sure what he has, keep the other children out of the room." "Oh, be sure and tell the doctor that he's allergic to penicillin, all of the sulphas and some of the mycins." "Also tell him that last year he had..." "Helen." "We'll go away some other time." "Frank, thank you." "FRANK:" "I thought Isawthehousecringe aswedroveup." "HELEN:" "It had been a dignified oldVictorianhome whenFrankandIfoundit." "Theonlyonelargeenough thatwecouldafford." "FRANK:" "The plumbing wasn'tthemostmodern, theroofhadtoberepaired." "Butwehadbothfalleninlove withitwhenwelearned ithadfourbathrooms." "HELEN:" "So in we marched, thebride,thegroom, onebottleof champagne..." "FRANK:" "And 16 children." "Come on, darling, finish your tea." "Mother's tired and wants to go to bed." "Now, is there anything else you want?" "Yeah, I wanna go home." "We are home, dear." "This is where we live now." "Then why can't I be Phillip anymore?" "Well, who says you can't be?" "That man." "Frank?" "Yes." "And he says my name is 12-Blue-D." "And if I forget I'm 12-Blue-D, I can't get into the bathroom." "(CHUCKLES)" "Well, now, that's nothing to be upset about, darling." "That's just a system that he learned in the Navy." "Now, you stop worrying." "I'm going to find out what's keeping that doctor." "You stay in bed." "FRANK:" "There you are, Janette." "You are 8-Red-B." "(CHILDREN CLAMOR)" "And, Mary, you are 14-Red-C." "Veronica." "What am I, again?" "You're 14-Red-C." "Everybody's got a number from the oldest to the youngest." "All the bathrooms are a color, all the bedrooms are a letter." "And that makes you number 14, bathroom Red and room C." "And this chart shows you where it all is." "Could you just point?" "It's right around the corner, down the hall, love." "Thank you." "And, Veronica, you are 13-Red-A." "VERONICA:" "Thank you." "FRANK:" "You are welcome." "Well, skipper, how goes the battle?" "FRANK:" "They're fighting it, but you can't beat the system." "I'm sorry if I upset your wedding night." "I thought it was yours too." "I didn't wanna sound anxious." "Susan, you are 9-Red-A." "If I can find it." "Champagne iced?" "Yes, it's in our bedroom, in a shiny new bucket." "Louise, you are 7-Red-C." "All right." "If we stay on schedule, my system will have these kids bedded down in a half hour, and it's our turn next." "Greg, you are 6-Blue-B." "Aye, aye, sir." "I'll send up a flare if I get lost." "How's Phillip?" "That's what I'd like to know." "What's keeping that doctor?" "Probably the rain." "Tommy, you are 10-Blue-D." "Why can't I have my own room to myself, like Mike?" "You're not the oldest." "Next." "You mean because I'm not in your family." "Tommy!" "Now, look, you're all in my family." "You have a beautiful room, D. It's around the corner, down the main hall." "Oh, honey, wait." "That's where Phillip is." "Phillip?" "Yes." "Ooh, yes, number 12." "You're right." "I know he has the flu." "No one should sleep in there." "That's the beauty of this system." "It can be changed in an instant." "All right, now hear this." "Now hear this." "All C's and D's report to the quarterdeck." "There's been a slight rearrangement." "It may affect B." "Everybody back!" "(THUNDER RUMBLING) -(ALL GROAN)" "FRANK:" "All right, lights are out for a minute." "Don't worry we have some emergency candles right in here." "Helen." "Yes, dear." "Frank, do you think there's a power failure all over or just in the house?" "(ALL TALKING INDISTINCTLY)" "Greg, take these downstairs." "Get some light downstairs." "GREG:" "Where's 6-Blue-B?" "I found my room, but there's rain coming through the roof." "That's not possible." "They just finished re-shingling." "Well, they'll finish on Monday." "I'll go get some pots and pans." "How old is this house?" "Never mind." "It's gonna be beautiful." "Take care of the little ones." "Sister's locked in the bathroom." "What sister?" "I don't know her name yet." "But she can't get out and we can't get in." "And it's my turn." "(THUNDER CRASHING)" "(RINGS DOORBELL)" "Oh, my God, I'm too late." "No, Doctor, we're not praying." "The lights went out." "Come on in." "I'll give you a candle." "What happened to the key?" "JEAN:" "It fell out, and the lights went out, and I can't find it." "Well, light your candle." "JEAN:" "I came in here before the candles." "(SIGHS)" "Well, look, I'm gonna pass you a match through the keyhole." "You light it, find the key and unlock the door, okay?" "JEAN:" "Okay." "Here comes the match." "You see it?" "JEAN:" "Uh-huh." "Got it?" "JEAN:" "I got it." "Well, light it." "JEAN:" "I can't." "Why not?" "JEAN:" "Mommy won't let me play with matches." "Helen!" "Yes, dear, I'm coming." "Tell her it's all right to light a match, find the key, open the door." "Who's in there?" "One of yours." "The one that's not allowed to light matches." "Oh, Jean." "Jean, darling, it's all right to light a match this time, sweetheart." "All right, show's over." "Everybody back to your room." "Go back to your room." "You go back." "You go back." "I'm the doctor." "Hold your candle higher, will you?" "HELEN:" "Jean?" "Jean, darling." "I did it." "I did it." "You certainly did." "Here's your flashlight." "Now, go to your room, dear." "I'm 11-Red-A." "I'm 11-Red-A." "I'm 11-Red-A." "Concussion?" "Oh, no, no." "It's not her, it's my..." "Our boy Phillip." "I don't know whether I'm 14-Red-X or what." "How do you get any food around here?" "What's the name of this organization?" "(CHUCKLES) No, I'm sorry it's a little confusing, but, you see, we were just married today." "Congratulations." "The next 20 years ought to be a lulu." "BOY 1:" "It's our room!" "BOY 2:" "Get out!" "No." "You'll have to excuse me." "You go right down there." "(THUNDER CRASHING)" "You can say that again." "Stop it!" "Stop it!" "Stop it!" "It's our room!" "What are you two boys doing in here?" "It's our room." "Yeah, room B." "Oh, Janette, Colleen, I'm surprised at you." "Get out of the boys' room this instant." "But it's our room." "It's on that stupid board!" "We're on the board too, you know!" "Get out of our room!" "Hey, knock it off!" "What's going on in here?" "What is this?" "Uh, your blues and greens are wonderful, but your he's and she's are mixed up." "Thank goodness." "Let there be light." "All right, boys, pack your gear together." "We'll straighten this out." "Get your stuff together." "Girls, come on, get to bed." "I can't find my pajamas." "Well, sleep without them one night." "I'd rather die." "You don't care what happens to our family, do you?" "Colleen." "TOMMY:" "Mommy!" "Mommy!" "There's a man trying to take everybody's temperature." "Oh, good heavens." "All right, come on, let's get organized." "(THUNDER RUMBLING)" "Oh." "You found him, Doctor." "No, that's not him." "This one doesn't have a temperature either." "Oh, but that's Phillip." "He's the one that's sick." "Pulse, normal." "Blood pressure, normal." "Temperature, 98.6." "In medical school, they told us that means healthy." "Phillip." "I feel better now." "He's a good doctor." "(ALL CLAMORING)" "Good news, Mr. Beardsley." "Your son's not sick at all." "Oh, great." "But keep it quiet." "I'll never get the C's and D's back into B." "Sorry." "Would you do me a favor and call my wife and tell her I'm on the way home?" "Tell her thank you." "For what?" "We don't have any children." "(CLAMORING CONTINUES)" "Is this the Beardsleys' new house?" "We've come to deliver the babies." "Oh, have a heart." "Leave them on somebody else's doorstep." "Here we go." "Dad!" "Dad!" "Come quick!" "They've brought Joan and Germaine home." "GIRL:" "Come on." "Come on." "FRANK:" "Joan!" "Germaine!" "Hi, everybody." "(ALL TALKING INDISTINCTLY)" "MIKE:" "It sure was nice of you to bring them in the rain." "Blame your crazy father." "He insisted the family had to be complete tonight." "NANCY:" "When he used that Navy voice, we didn't wanna be court-martialed." "They can't argue, and I needed someone here on my side." "Let me see that little angel." "Aw, bye-bye." "We'll bring their things in the morning." "Thank you, Nancy." "Good night." "Good night, Helen." "Good luck, Frank." "What a little doll." "Well, Murderers' Row is now complete." "Can I hold my sister?" "FRANK:" "Let's get one thing straight." "There's no more "mine" and there's no more "yours."" "From now on, everyone and everything is ours." "All right, troop, to bed, to bed." "Is this our house now?" "Yes, dear." "Can we invite some friends over?" "(HELEN GROANS)" "Mrs. Beardsley." "Hey, you look beautiful." "You mean for a mother of 18?" "I mean for a bride." "Frank, this is gonna sound silly, but you know something?" "I'm nervous." "You know something?" "So am I." "What did that girl say about you?" "You are a tiger." "A slightly gray, slightly middle-aged, but very much in love tiger." "Oh, Frank." "Frank, do you think it can work out?" "Will we ever, ever really be just one family?" "Of course, but it's up to you and me to set an example tonight, in togetherness." "There's rain coming in our room." "Can we sleep here?" "Please?" "Hey." "I'm not gonna sleep in that big room all alone if I'm not even sick." "Togetherness." "(ALARM RINGING)" "FRANK:" "Every morning atfourbells,our day began." "Afterall,runningafamily of18childrenisn 'tsimple, butitcanbedone ." "Thesecretis organization." "Ajobforeveryone, andeveryoneon thejob ." "Iwasalwaysthe firstone tospringintoaction." "(MOANING)" "Mutinywassimply nottolerated." "Mycrewgrumbledbut obeyed." "Theyknewtheircaptainonly  didwhatwasbestforall." "Upanchor,manthe mizzen, firewhenready." "Missionaccomplished." "HELEN:" "Tommy's job was tochecktheweatherreport todetermine theuniformof theday ." "20% chance of rain." "(SIGHS)" "PHILLIP:" "Myjobwastobrushmyteeth." "Itwasn'teasy." "Maybeifhe 'd helpedmesooner, theywouldn'tbe fallingout ." "HELEN:" "Even without teeth, breakfastattheBeardsleys' included fivepoundsof bacon, twogallonsof oatmeal, threedozeneggs," "and40piecesoftoast, unlessI missed." "Andthatwasonly toholdthemuntillunch." "FRANK:" "Whichtheycouldn'tprepare withouttheoldskipper." "After20happyyears intheNavy,Ihadatleast learnedhowto deal." "PHILLIP:" "Breakfast was thebestmealoftheday, ifyouhadlongarms ." "Idon'tcaremuch foreggsanyway." "AndI canlivewithoutbacon ifI haveto ." "Althoughsomepeople arepigsaboutit." "Butifafellowcan'teven havea pieceof toast, he'sfinished." "Icouldstarvetodeathright  atthistable,and nobody wouldevenstopeating." "(HORN HONKING)" "School bus is coming." "Get your rain boots on!" "(ALL CLAMORING)" "Phillip, stop dawdling." "Now, come on, dear." "PHILLIP:" "There was nothing elsetodo ." "Ihad toinvent theoatmealsandwich." "Come on, Phillip." "FRANK:" "This is where mysystemprovedsovaluable." "Therainbootswereall inonecloset,wherethey  couldbereachedinstantly." "Wehadlearned tobuybootsand shoes andclothesin wholesalelots." "Sizesdidn'tmatter, becauseeventually everythingfiteverybody." "PHILLIP:" "Almost everybody." "Don't worry, Phillip, just keep growing." "Someday you can fill my boots." "That's my brother." "(INDISTINCT TALKING)" "LARRY:" "We got some wild things planned." "You've gotta come." "It'll be out of sight." "Hi, Larry." "Hey." "The gang is throwing a freak-out tonight at the beach house." "Tell your parents we're going to a movie." "Oh, Larry, I couldn't." "Oh, here we go again." "Why not?" "I heard about those parties." "I can't wait to find out if it's true." "Well, I'm not going." "You are unbelievable." "I am?" "It's that ridiculous family of yours." "Oh!" "You're medieval." "You're so hung up, it's pathetic." "Do you know what you are?" "A sex maniac." "If I'm a sex maniac, I'm the most frustrated sex maniac in the world." "And I'm almost out of high school!" "Big deal!" "Oh!" "That's fine." "All right, children, finish up your problems and bring in your papers." "Thank you." "Thank you." "Thank you." "Phillip." "You didn't sign your paper properly." "Your name is Phillip North." "I'm Phillip Beardsley." "We all went to church, and we were all married." "I'm Phillip Beardsley." "No, dear, not legally, and we must sign our legal names in school, mustn't we?" "Beardsley." "No, dear, North." "CHILDREN:" "North!" "North!" "North!" "Beardsley!" "Beardsley!" "Beardsley!" "(CHILDREN SHOUTING)" "I got here as fast as I could, Sister Mary." "What is it this time?" "Why don't you ask Phillip?" "Phillip." "Darling, what happened?" "Nothing." "Who did that to you?" "One of the kids." "She started it." "She says I'm not legal." "What?" "And Mike isn't my brother." "Of course he's your brother." "Then my name is Phillip Beardsley." "Phillip North." "There she goes again." "Sister, couldn't you just call him Phillip Beardsley?" "I'm sorry, but the school requires that we use their legal names." "Let's go to another school." "I understand your legal problem, but you must try to understand mine." "You see, I'm trying to bring two families together, and this is the first sign that I may be succeeding." "I really would appreciate it if you'd let Phillip sign his name Beardsley." "But legally it's North." "But it's more important that emotionally it's Beardsley." "North." "Beardsley." "North." "Beardsley!" "Beardsley!" "Beardsley!" "Watch out, Mom." "You might get a black eye." "FRANK:" "You mean, I adopt your children, and you want to adopt mine?" "Yes, that way we'll really be one family." "Your children will have a mother, legally, and mine will have a father, legally." "That way they'll be protected." "You know, in case anything should happen to either one of us." "Strawberry or raspberry?" "Apricot." "Do you know that in California it costs $250 just to adopt one child?" "Really?" "That's a lot of money for a formality." "A black eye isn't a formality." "How much milk?" "20 quarts." "Sixteen, 18, 20." "What we ought to adopt is a cow." "These are for Dad." "Two hundred and fifty times 18 is $4,500." "How did you figure that out so fast?" "Sheer panic." "Well, hello, Mr. Beardsley." "Should I wrap it, or you gonna eat it here?" "All right, Harry, just call out the reserves." "Dave, Jack, it's an emergency." "The Beardsleys are here." "More boxes." "Frank, you know what I'd like for Christmas?" "Hmm?" "What?" "Don't buy me anything." "The most expensive gift in the world is when a wife says, "Don't buy me anything."" "Look, if we didn't give each other Christmas gifts, and if we didn't get the new car, and we cut down on all the little things, the things we don't really need, the little luxuries," "couldn't we afford to adopt our kids?" "Thank you, Dad." "Oh, would you put these back there, please?" "(EXHALING)" "Is that it?" "That's it." "Would you care to check it?" "How could you decide something like that without asking us?" "Colleen, we thought you children would be happy to be adopted." "Happy to forget our real father's name?" "Get lost in a jungle full of Beardsleys?" "Now, just a minute." "Mother, that's the most awful thing I've ever heard." "He's hardly been gone a year, and you're trying to wipe him out of your life as if he never existed." "And I thought you loved him." "(SOBBING)" "I like Beardsley." "Oh, you be quiet!" "And no, I don't want any dessert." "I'll take his." "Sorry, I didn't think I was committing a federal offense." "Thought they'd want me for a father." "Yeah, well, now you know what they think of you." "Stay out of it." "It's their problem." "Now, wait a minute, Rosemary." "It's not just their problem." "I was planning on adopting all you children too." "Was that part of the deal?" "Yes." "I thought everybody understood that." "We want this to be one family." "Excuse me." "What's the matter with him?" "What do you think?" "I gotta do my homework." "Homework?" "He's really shook." "ROSEMARY:" "Why shouldn't he be?" "We loved our mother just as much as they loved their father." "I know that, Rosemary." "And now you're asking us to bury her again?" "Who's getting buried?" "Shh!" "Come on, we'll get you washed." "(VOICE BREAKING) Excuse me." "I can't eat if everybody's gonna cry!" "(SIGHS)" "Frank, how could we have been so wrong?" "I feel like a murderer." "DARRELL:" "Merry Christmas, everybody!" "(CHILDREN SOBBING)" "Merry, merry, merry..." "Merry." "What a let-down." "I walked in here, full of the old Christmas spirit, ready to tell you the good news, and it's a disaster area." "What's the good news?" "I could use some right now." "Didn't Frank tell you?" "No." "Didn't you know you married Edison, the man?" "I am?" "That Fresnel lens landing system" "Frank and I worked on has been accepted by the Navy." "Oh, Frank, that's wonderful!" "It's only been accepted for testing." "Well, it's going on shake-down on the Big E." "Hey, that's cool." "When are you taking it out?" "I'm not taking it out." "Since your father is anchored here, I volunteered to handle it for him." "But, Dad, how come you're not taking it out?" "It just might be I felt it wasn't right to leave my family." "But a shake-down, that's only a couple of weeks." "You always used to." "Well, things are a little different now." "That stinks." "That really stinks." "I'd rather not talk about it, okay?" "Big mouth." "Frank." "You really sank the Navy, didn't you?" "(PLATES CRASHING)" "Frank." "FRANK:" "Yeah?" "You really do wanna go to sea again, don't you?" "I'm not going to pretend." "There's no halo on me." "Sure, I suppose I'm a little envious of Darrell." "But when I signed on for this cruise, I knew it was for the duration." "You make me feel as if I'm World War III." "Well, you shouldn't." "Helen, I want you to know something, if you don't already know it." "I'm happier than I've ever been in my life." "I've already gotten what I want for Christmas." "Thank you." "I'm glad you adopted me." "So am I." "He's been here!" "He's been here!" "Santa Claus has been here!" "Santa Claus has been here." "Santa Claus has been here." "Santa Claus has been here." "Santa Claus has been here." "Santa Claus!" "Let me out!" "Get out!" "Let me get to the Christmas tree!" "Let me out!" "I wanna get to the Christmas tree!" "Frank!" "Frank, where are you?" "You're missing Christmas!" "Frank!" "Frank!" "Where are you?" "You're missing everything." "Frank, you're missing it!" "Where are you?" "Frank, what are you doing in here?" "I'm an elf." "But you haven't been to bed at all." "I've had six scooters, three wagons, a fire engine." "This is the last bicycle." "General Motors couldn't have kept up." "Well, hurry up, dear." "Does anybody know where the package is for your dad?" "The red-and-white package." "Here it is!" "Oh, thank you, darling." "Thank you." "Hey, what do you know?" "Santa Claus brought so many presents he had to leave some in the closet." "Does it have my name on it?" "For Phillip North?" "I wrote him my legal name." "I didn't want any trouble." "FRANK:" "Let's see, it says, "Phillip North Beardsley."" "That takes care of the situation." "Oh, boy!" "(ALL CHATTERING)" "It had my name on it, all right." "We'll get an elf over here to fix it up." "Greg." "Get off it, darling." "He'll fix it." "You're not an elf." "Well, I'm practicing." "All right, come on." "Frank, this is for you." "Oh." "Well, go ahead, open it." "Mommy, look what I got!" "HELEN:" "That's beautiful, darling." "(BELL RINGING)" "Susan, don't eat the ornaments off the tree until later." "I think Santa Claus made a mistake." "Maybe this is for Tommy." "No, dear, I think this is for you." "I don't get it." "Bon voyage." "What are you talking about?" "Everybody else got what they really wanted for Christmas." "Why not you?" "Dad can go on the  Enterprise?" "That's great!" "Just a minute." "Did it ever occur to anybody that I might know where my duty lies and prefer to stay here, look after my family?" "Complain for a few more minutes, dear, before you agree." "(PHONE RINGING)" "I'm gonna answer the phone." "If she thinks I have any intention of..." "How long?" "About six weeks." "Well, when are we gonna sing Christmas carols?" "Doctor, this is Christmas, not April Fool." "Are you sure?" "My dear Mrs. Beardsley, the reason I am in my office on Christmas Day is because I wanted to check the lab report personally." "You do not have indigestion, ileitis or diverticulitis." "Whatyouhaveisa simplecase ofpregnancy." "P-R-E-G..." "Doctor, if anybody knows how to spell it, I do." "Thanks for calling." "Merry Christmas." "Ho, ho, ho." "(ALL SINGING  SILENT NIGHT)" "Who was it?" "Wrong number." "FRANK:" "And so the skipper wentbackto sea protestinguntiltheship wasoutof hearing." "HELEN:" "Darling, alwaysthesame, daysspeedby , butthenightsgovery slowly." "Youmissed awonderfuldaytoday." "Susanstoppedeating." "Aboyinvitedher  toherfirstdance,andshe insistedonbuyingthisdress." "Asyoucansee bythepicture, she'sstillgotafewpounds togobeforeSaturdaynight." "Oh,whatwe girlsgothrough forourmen." "FRANK:" "Dearest mother of 18, militarysecurity beingwhatit is , Ican'ttellyou whereweare, buttheenclosedphotograph ofDarrellandme maygiveyousomeidea ." "I'mthesexyone ." "HELEN:" "Mike's letter wasfromthepresident oftheUnitedStates." "Itsaid,"Greetings..."" "DOCTOR:" "Deep breath." "Hold it." "Exhale." "That's fine, son." "Name." "Michael Francis Beardsley." "Hello, Mike." "Hi, Doc." "What are you doing at the draft board?" "Sacrificing one afternoon a week for my country." "How's your mother feeling?" "You mean my stepmother." "She's fine, I guess." "No morning sickness?" "No, Doc, I feel fine." "Not you, your mother." "Now, why should she have..." "Morning sickness?" "MAN:" "We need a sample of your blood." "(SIGHS) Take it all." "Oh, hi, Mike." "How did the physical go?" "Well, they took inventory." "I had enough parts." "(CHUCKLES)" "Mike, how do you really feel about the whole thing?" "Whoopee." "Yeah, I understand." "Where are the girls?" "Should you do that?" "Why shouldn't I?" "What's the matter with you?" "Nothing with me, but I think you're out of your mind." "Does it show that much?" "No, but guess who the doctor was at the draft board." "Oh, I ought to report him to the Medical Association." "No, he's gonna report you." "(CHUCKLES)" "Bring that over for me, will you?" "You knew about it Christmas Day, didn't you?" "And you still let Dad ship out?" "Yes." "Why?" "He wanted so much to go." "Two people can't live with an ocean between them for the rest of their lives." "If you write him about it, I'll shoot you." "You would, too." "I'd just as soon he didn't know about this draft thing either." "Why not?" "Can't we tell him anything?" "No, I'm thinking about the Marines." "That would drive him out of his skull." "Oh." "Okay. (CHUCKLES)" "Do you really want this baby?" "Very much." "You see, he won't have to worry whether he's a Beardsley or a North." "FRANK:" "The Navy, like a woman, hasa wayof  changingitsmind." "Ourshortcruise wasextendedso often, welostalltrackoftime,  untiloneday whenthemailplane caughtupwithus." "Darrell, we're pregnant!" "We're what?" "Mike's letter!" "Helen and I, we're gonna have a baby." "Our first." "Your first?" "Wait a minute." "You can't even count." "No wonder it happened." "When is she due?" "When is she due?" "The idiot, he doesn't say." "Oh, no." "Let me read Helen's letter again." "Open some of those for me." "Yeah, okay." "Here's one from Mary." "I can tell by the strawberry jam." "Helen doesn't mention it." "Oh, Phillip gave you a tooth." "Thanks." "Colleen's in love." "What, again?" "Wait a minute." "What are we doing?" "You've had enough on-the-job training." "Can't you figure out the date?" "It can't be soon." "Helen would've told me." "Oh, now, maybe she doesn't tell you everything." "Unless Veronica is an impressionist, number 19 is about to be launched." "I've gotta get on that mail plane before it takes off." "(INAUDIBLE)" "FRANK:" "Veronica'sartisticendeavor wasnotquiteaccurate." "Amonthlater, wewerestillwaiting forthestork." "Everynightwe wouldgotobed wonderingifthiswereD-day." "Naturally,Helenwas themostnervousofall,  anditwascompounded bythetension aboutMikeandthe draft." "Shekeptgetting moreexcitable, anxiousandemotional." "Whycan'tawoman bemorelikeaman?" "(WHISPERS) Frank?" "What?" "Oh!" "Don't make so much noise." "You'll wake the children." "I just want a glass of water." "Why are you making that terrible face?" "I have indigestion." "How often do you have that indigestion?" "About every 15 minutes." "That's it!" "Stay calm." "Everything's organized." "Don't worry, everything's..." "I've laid it all on." "Don't rush, now, Frank." "I'm all right." "There's plenty of time, but hurry!" "We'll get you there." "Stay calm." "Red alert!" "Red alert!" "Red alert!" "Red alert!" "Mike!" "Get the car out of the garage and warm it up." "Nicky, get her bag quickly." "We've done this before." "Rosemary, Louise, Tommy, get blankets and pillows for the station wagon." "Phillip, what are you doing?" "Going to the bathroom." "What, is the stork coming?" "Maybe a whole flock of storks." "I never thought of that." "Hey, Mike!" "What..." "COLLEEN: (SOBBING) What's happened?" "Hey, stop it!" "Hey, Mike!" "What is this?" "Will you knock it off?" "Now, listen..." "Larry, what are you..." "Mike!" "Break it up." "Knock it off." "What is all this?" "Larry, why are you in our house at this hour?" "RUSTY:" "Dad, Mom wants you right away." "Get the car." "I'm hysterical enough without your help." "What's going on around here?" "Nothing." "That's the whole problem with your daughter." "Mike!" "Will you cut it out?" "Look at you." "You two, are you crazy?" "(HORN BLARING) -(CRASHING)" "LARRY:" "My bike!" "You all right?" "(SOBBING)" "What happened?" "Hey, man, don't you know how to drive?" "Look what you did to my bike." "My mother's having a baby." "The bike's jammed under the car." "We may never get it loose." "Dad!" "Mom said they're coming six minutes apart!" "What are we gonna do?" "Get a crowbar and pry it loose." "What?" "Not you!" "Daddy, can I go to bed now?" "Of course." "Please, I can't talk to Mother right now." "I've got to talk to somebody." "Well, talk fast." "Well, Larry says he'll never speak to me again unless I grow up." "He says I'm being ridiculous, and I don't love him." "But I do love him." "Am I ridiculous?" "You're not being ridiculous." "Well, do all the other girls, like Larry says?" "And am I just being old-fashioned?" "The same idiots were passing the same rumors when I was your age." "If all girls did, how come I always ended up with ones who didn't?" "But it's all different now." "They wrote  Fanny Hill in 1742, and they haven't found anything new since." "Who's Fanny Hill?" "Go to bed, that's who Fanny Hill is." "Ready, honey?" "Thank you, dear." "Oh, boy, am I ready." "Frank, I think maybe you're gonna have to help me." "You all right?" "Yeah, I'm all right, dear." "I know this is a terrible time to talk about it, but Larry said..." "I've got a message for Larry." "You tell him this is what it's all about." "This is the real happening." "Come on, Tommy." "If you wanna know what love really is, take a look around you." "What are you talking about?" "Take a look at your mother." "Not now." "Yes, now." "It's giving life that counts." "Till you're ready for it, the rest is just a big fraud." "All the crazy haircuts in the world won't keep it turning." "Life isn't a love-in, it's the dishes and the orthodontist, and the shoe repairman, and ground round instead of roast beef." "I'll tell you something else." "Going to bed with a man doesn't prove your love." "It's getting up in the morning and facing the drab, miserable, wonderful everyday world with him that counts." "Are you all right, Mother?" "Yes, dear." "Now, you kids get back to bed." "Go on." "Go to bed." "Good night, Mommy." "Bye, Mommy." "Bye." "You all right?" "I suppose having 19 kids is carrying it a bit too far." "But if we had it to do over, who would we skip?" "You?" "All together, now." "One, two, three!" "Come on, this is light." "You got it out?" "God, that's a heavy bike." "Okay, we got it out, Dad." "Take it easy." "I'll get your legs." "Thank you, Frank." "I never quite knew how to explain it to her." "If we don't get you to the hospital fast, the rest of it will be explained here." "See you later, Dad." "Where's he going?" "Hey, Dad, the hospital is that way!" "Bye!" "Bye!" "You'd think that was their first one." "Oh!" "Why don't you get a haircut!" "Oh!" "Oh, I'm sorry, Frank." "I'll ask the nurse." "They won't let the children in." "I told you, hospital rules." "Could you hold him up to the window so they can see?" "My husband says they're waiting." "Of course." "HELEN:" "Is my family out there?" "NURSE:" "Not only the family, he must have brought the whole neighborhood." "That neighborhood is my family." "Honey, you'd better lie down." "And if I were you, I wouldn't get up for three months." "(CHUCKLES)" "Is he my brother or your brother?" "He's both our brothers." "Even to a nun, like Sister Mary?" "Even to Sister Mary." "Boy, is he lucky." "Petitioner Francis Louis Beardsley, step forward, please." "You are married to the mother of these children?" "Yes, sir." "Has your wife consented" "to the adoption of the minor children?" "It was her idea." "If I'm gonna be adopted, why can't I talk?" "Don't question the workings of a democracy, young man." "At least until you're seven." "Has your wife consented?" "Yes, sir." "Will you execute an agreement in the presence of the court that the children shall be treated in all respects as your..." "Ahem." "All right." "Thank you." "...that the children shall be treated in every respect as your lawful children and shall hereafter be known as Colleen Marie Beardsley," "Janette Dean Beardsley," "Nicholas Richard Beardsley," "Thomas Roderick Beardsley," "Jean Louise Beardsley," "Phillip Anthony Beardsley..." "I'm legal." "...Gerald Joseph Beardsley, and Teresa Rose Beardsley." "Will you hand these to the clerk, please?" "Thank you." "Helen North Beardsley." "Yes, sir." "There's been great fear expressed by many people that no one woman can give this large number of children sufficient attention and affection to allow them to grow up in a healthy atmosphere." "But in this court's investigation of your home, the reverse seems to be true." "All the children seem to be happy, well-fed and normal, the house amazingly clean and in good order." "My wife has two children, one poodle and a full-time maid and can't seem to manage anything." "What is your secret?" "Well, sir, a great deal of love, a little discipline, and a husband who doesn't criticize." "(CLEARS THROAT)" "Michael Francis Beardsley," "Charles William Beardsley, and so forth and so forth Beardsley." "Will the minors step forward, please?" "Michael Francis Beardsley, do you..." "Yes, sir, I do." "I haven't asked the question yet." "I leave for Camp Pendleton in an hour." "I was trying to speed things up." "Besides, it doesn't matter much what this court does." "You see, we held our own meeting yesterday." "If you're interested in democracy, Helen North Beardsley was unanimously elected our mother for life." "Three cheers for Helen North Beardsley." "(CHILDREN CHEERING)" "Mommy, pick me up!" "Mommy, pick me up!" "Here he comes." "Here he comes." "Well, let's not get sticky about this." "Never saw you carry a bag for your mother." "Mom's not in the Marines." "That's what you think." "Mike, I know this sounds crazy, but it's gonna be lonesome around here." "With this mob?" "(CHUCKLES)" "Good luck." "You sure you don't want us to drive you to the bus station?" "No, thanks, Dad." "I'd rather walk." "Bye, Mike." "So long, Mike." "Now, you take it easy, Phillip." "Okay." "I don't know what to say." "How about Washington's farewell to the troops?" "(ALL CHUCKLING)" "Well, so long." "Don't everybody write at once." "So long, Mike." "Goodbye, Mike." "(INDISTINCT TALKING)" "(MUSIC PLAYING)"