"Ugh, guys, come on." "You can't just throw trash on the ground." "What, were you raised in a barn?" "No offense, Beth." "I was born in a barn." "I was raised in a home for peculiar children." "Yeah, so..." "What the?" "Carol Wendelson." "Have you been extreme couponing again?" "Yes, but before you say anything," " I got all of this for just 62¢." " Mom, why isn't this stuff" " in your hoarding shed?" " Because my hoarding shed is full, and your dad said if I get a second one, I'll have to go see Dr. Jill again." "Okay, well, you can't use the roof as your personal storage unit." "Why?" "Stosh the janitor gave me a key in exchange for my Netflix password, except now all they recommend is Polish shows like "Pierogi in the City."" " I'm such a Wladyslavka." " Okay, well, just can you get this crap off the roof before Greg finds out?" "You're never going to use any of it anyway." "Ooh, are those Venus razors?" "Could I have one?" "Actually, they're "Wenus" razors, but I got them for negative $40.00." "Hey, Chuck, you wanted to see me?" "Oh, yes, Carol." "I have a very important job for you." "Finally, what do you need me to do?" "Crack a witness?" "Go undercover as a slut?" "I need you to go to my home and let the cable guy in." "Oh, I'd be happy to." "I've never been to a celebrity's house before." "Well, except for Jesus." "He has a very exclusive party there every Sunday, Chuck." "Thank you, Carol." "I don't make a habit of letting people into my home, but I know I can count on you." "Oh, and one more thing:" "whatever you do, don't open the red door." "O..." "Okay then, bye." "Ugh, I have had the worst morning." "Did your fancy Japanese toilet go berserk again?" "No, Potti-San is fine." "My phone was hacked." "Oh..." "They took it all: my personal photos, my tasteful nudes, my footage from my GoPro thong." "Oh, Portia, that's terrible." "Yeah, I hear a lot of big celebrities" " have been getting hacked lately." " Big celebrities, huh?" "Then my phone must've been hacked, too." "Yep, it says it: "Hacked Alert."" "Aw, man, looks like" " they're in the mainframe." " I've gotta go see my lawyers, but will you guys please, please not look at these photos?" "I can't stop strangers from looking, but you guys?" "You're my friends." "Greg, Chuck, Katie, Barf," "Greg again," "I wanna say..." "Lumpy?" "Thanks, guys." "Hey, hey, hey, what are you guys doing?" "Looking at Portia's nudes." "There's one of her with Tupac." " From last year?" " No, no!" "How would you all feel if your naked pictures were out there for the world to see?" "I'd feel great." "I tried to submit to "Hustler,"" "but they said my bedroom made them depressed." "Yeah, chill out, Greg." "It's just boobies and vaginas." "Yeah." "No, guys," "Portia's privacy was stolen." "Maybe you don't know what that feels like, but I do." "Katie, I had no idea." "What happened to you?" "I was raised by Carol Wendelson." "She read my diary." "She listened in on my phone calls." "My freshman year roommate was just a P.I." "that she had hired..." "I was like, why is your student film just about everywhere I go, you know?" "Katie's right." "We should respect Portia." "She's our coworker and our friend." "She thinks my name is Barf, which, yes, is my middle name," " but she doesn't know that." " Phones away, people." "Ugh." "Okay, there it is." "No big deal." "All I have to do is keep my mind off the red door." "Just like that." "Ehh..." "Hi, mom." "Oh, Katie, I'm at Chuck's house, and there's this mysterious red door, and he told me not to open it, but I really, really, really want to." "Mom, what are you doing at Chuck's house?" "Trying not to open the red door, keep up with me, Katie." "Chuck trusts me, and I don't wanna ruin it, but I need to know the secret." "I'm like that white-haired lady on Wackyleaks... what's her name?" "You know, she looks like" " the Snow Queen in Narnio?" " Julian Assange." " No, no, that's not it." " Mom, this might be hard for you to understand, but people deserve privacy, which is why I convinced the whole office not to look at Portia's hacked photos, and honestly, it..." "Mom?" "You're already looking at them, aren't you?" "Oh, God, gossip, secrets, that's the stuff." "Oh, you mean you haven't read any of these emails?" " Not even the ones about you?" " Wait, I thought it was just pictures." "There's emails, too?" "So this is just a treasure trove of things..." "Not treasure, regular trove... of things that Portia said about everybody?" "Well, I'm not interested because no deets, no matter how juicy, are worth betraying a coworker's trust." "You're right, Pumpkin." "I'm not gonna open the red door." " I'm gonna be just like you." " Yeah, like me." "Okay, bye." "_" "Hey, you know, I think it's really great that we're not reading Portia's emails." "Could you just real quick remind me why?" "Because, Katie, we're better than that." "Yes, yeah, exactly." "Hey, what's going on over there?" "Oh, I wanna look so bad." "Just think of the cool slang we could learn." "I could finally stop saying, "I'm gellin' like Magellan."" "What, ugh, Greg, that's not a reason to look." "A reason to look would be to make sure that Portia didn't say anything to hurt the show." " Oh, God, that's perfect." " Mm-hmm." "I mean, oh, God, that's ethical." "Mm-hmm." "This is crazy." "Who knew Portia was friends with Beyoncé?" "And who knew Beyoncé's email was "FunMusicGal@hotmail"?" "Ooh, Portia says a lot of mean stuff about Chuck." ""Chuck is an old loser"?" "Oh, here's a nice one: "Chuck looks like George Clooney if George Clooney were made out of diarrhea."" " Okay." " God, she's vicious." " Mm." " Do you wanna see" " what she says about you?" " Yeah." "Wait, I wanna do it." "Whoa, wait, oh, my gosh, what's this?" ""Office goss," okay, "They're not fooling anyone." "Greg and Katie are totally boning."" "Do our chums think we're snogging?" "What?" "Wh..." "Speak English!" "Does Portia think that?" " Does everyone think that?" " I have a girlfriend." " And I'm not a homewrecker." " Don't overreact." " Okay." " We've only been in this room with the door locked for..." "Oh, God, 3 hours." "Oh, my God, I have to sneak out of here." "Do you think I could fit through the air ducts?" "Okay, I'm not gonna actually do it, but there's only one right answer, and it's "Yes, you can fit, Katie."" "Thank you very much." "Well, I did it." "I didn't open the red door." "Man, I'm the best." "No!" "No!" "Chuck?" "You were in here the whole time?" "Chuck?" "So everything went fine." "Nothing weird happened." "Good-bye." " You opened it, didn't you?" " Yes, I'm sorry." "If you didn't want anybody to open it, why would you paint it red?" "Just leave it regular door colored." "What are you implying?" "That I wanted you to open it?" "Why, so I could air my secret shame finally and tell my story?" "That's insane." "The year was 1996..." "And there you have it:" "Erik and Lyle Menendez convicted of murder in the first degree." "I just reported the crap out of the Menendez brothers, and I was the heir apparent for the "Nightly News" desk." "Women wanted to be with me, and men wanted to hear news from me." "Whoo!" "And then, just when I thought things couldn't possibly get better," "I got a call from a very special lady." "Madame Tussauds?" "It was like I had achieved immortality." "There I was between Kurt Cobain and Austin Powers." "People came from far and wide to see my statue because they thought I was somebody." "And then, a few years later, something changed." "I got passed over for the "Nightly News" desk." "Thank you." "But that wasn't the worst of it, Carol." "I was feeling pretty low, so I decided to take my date to Madame Tussauds." "When I got there, I discovered that I'd been replaced." "I stood there for hours." "Luckily, I wasn't the only celebrity pretending to be his own wax statue that day." "Scott Baio and I became great friends." "Both of us gigantic losers." "So they gave you your statue?" "No, I bought it." "They were gonna melt it into a gray ball with Milli Vanilli." "I couldn't let that happen." "I always thought that once I was back on top," "Madame Tussauds was gonna want me again." "And she will." "Chuck, now that we're admitting things, um, your head kind of fell off." "Please, don't be mad at me." "I stuck it back on with a scoop of your crotch wax." "I'm not mad, Carol." "I should've gotten rid of that thing years ago." "That statue's now just a sad reminder of the glory I never had." "I can't even get hacked." "It's over." "Don't you say that." "The Menendezes could kill again." "I want you to destroy that thing, Carol." "I never want to see it again." "Chuck, are you sure?" "It could be useful." "You could try out new haircuts on it" " before you take the plunge." " I have someone for that." "Carol, kill him." "Ugh, great, I'm in the same room as Greg." "That stinks 'cause all he does is talks about it how much he loves his girlfriend, and all I do is respect that." "You know what?" "Just stay away from me, like I like." "All right, that's the one thing we can agree on." "That's it." "Anyway, how's it going, lunch crew?" " Did you just wink at her?" " Yeah, why are you guys acting so weird?" "Okay, just to nip any rumors in the bud, Katie and I are coworkers, all right?" "Nothing more." "Mm-mm, Greg's got a girlfriend, I have a fun Bumble presence." "The point is, despite whatever you guys have heard, we are not sleeping together." "No one thinks you're sleeping together." "I thought you were brother and sister." "I don't think about either of you sleeping with anyone." "Katie, you're always, like, doing puzzles." "Some say sex is the ultimate puzzle." "Yeah, see?" "You say stuff like that." "Greg, can you even have sex?" "You told me yourself you don't have genitals." "No, I did not." "Yeah, you did." "You came up to me and said," ""Beth, I have nothing down there." "I'm completely smooth, like a Ken doll."" "Do you not remember that?" " That never happened." " Ugh." "Oh, boy." "I don't know who to believe." " Okay, come on, let's just go." " But Katie, I do have genitals." "Stop saying "genitals." You're making it worse." "Oh, I have to leave you, Chuck." "It's what the other Chuck wants." "Oh, I can't do it." "Why is this so hard?" "Come on, buddy." "Let's go." "Okay, you'll be safe up here." "I put you next to the Yankee candles because I thought you'd have a lot in common." "Oh, that's good." "Enjoy the view." "Man, I'm so relieved no one had the wrong idea about us." "Oh, me too." "I hate rumors." "In middle school, there was this one going around about me that I had fleas." "Try a flea, singular." "I guess we had nothing to worry about, then." "Yeah." "I mean, they literally laughed at the idea of us having sex with each other, or anyone." "I guess that's what we wanted though... right?" " Right." " Yeah." "Oh, well." "Back to work." "We've called an emergency meeting." "We will have you guys know that we are not sleeping together, but we are viable candidates for it." " Ew." " It's not "ew."" "It's "hmm."" "I am not unattractive." "I've been approached numerous times in coffee shops by women, and only twice was that because they thought" " I was their lost child." " Yeah, and you guys only know work Katie." "You've never met Katie after dark with her wet hair and her boobs all flying around." "This has nothing to do with work." "Beth and Justin flirt, and we all love that." "We're like Carrie and Mr. Bigaslavka from" ""Pierogi in the City."" " Cut it out." " You cut it out." " Stop." " You stop." " You're bad." " Well, you know who doesn't think the idea of us is crazy?" "Portia." "Since when?" "Portia thinks Katie" " is Greg doing a Mrs. Doubtfire." " Oh, really?" "Well, in Portia's hacked emails..." "It's..." "That we looked at for work reasons..." "She said, "Katie and Greg"" "are totally boning."" "Boo-yah!" "Nope, no, that wasn't..." "Nope, that's not good." "Oh, my God, I made two, I made two." " Let me..." "Let me do it." " Oh, that's at Rushmore." " Yeah, can you fix that?" " What the hell are you doing?" "Portia, I know what this looks like..." "But we were doing it for a very good reason." "We were trying to prove to everyone that we're sexy." "Greg, this is not okay." "There are things in those emails" " that certain people cannot see." " Hey, Chuck's on the roof." " I think he's gonna jump." " Oh, my God, he probably read all the terrible things I said about him." "Hey, where's everybody going?" "Oh, is this a fun run?" "Because my ankle hurts, but I still want a t-shirt." "Chuck's on the roof." "He's gonna jump." "Oh, oh." "Oh..." "Ooh..." "Hey, Chuck." "I have a question for you." "Would you rather..." "Fly or be invisible?" "Fly." "Sure, you can't walk right into the ladies' locker room, but you can hover near the ceiling." "Yeah, nope, I was gonna ask if you would rather everyone know that you have a wax figure of yourself or everyone think that you are trying to... end your life." " Neither, Carol." " Okay, good to know for next time." "Hey, what did you do?" "I..." "I..." "I..." " Chuck, don't do this." " There's so much to live for." "Like..." "Does he have a wife?" "Ugh." "Chuck, do not pay attention to Portia's emails." "She thought Greg and I were sleeping together, which is totally not true," " but not unrealistic." " Eww." " What are you talking about?" " Your email." ""They're not fooling anyone." "Greg and Katie are totally boning."" "Ooh, that must've been my autocorrect." "I meant to say" ""Greg and Katie are totally boring."" "Okay, that makes sense." "Now I get it. 'Cause Greg told all of us" " that he has no genitals." " I heard that." "I can prove this to you very eas..." "Chuck locked the door to the roof." "What?" "Wait, my mom has a key." "Keep talking to him," "I'll find her." "This is humiliating." "How am I gonna explain this?" "What if I tell everyone that I made the statue because I'm in love with you?" "I made it with wax from" " those little round cheeses." " Why didn't you just get rid of him like I asked you to?" "I don't know..." "Because he's not trash." "What if you get the "Nightly News" desk," " and you need him again?" " Not gonna happen, Carol." " That ship has sailed." " Oh, well, if it's too late for you then what does that mean for me?" "What are you talking about?" "Maybe that's why I couldn't throw him away, because I don't want to believe that dreams have expiration dates." "I'm a 60-year-old intern, Chuck." "I want a big career." "I wanna be on camera one day." "But if you, Chuck Pierce, one of the greatest newsmen ever to live," "if you can't get the job you've always wanted, then what chance do I have?" "Chuck, there's so much to live for." "A pet, maybe, a kid, if you have one, whatever holidays you celebrate, being on Wikipedia, I hope." " What?" "That ain't gonna work." " Come on." "Just please, don't jump." "We all really," " really, care about you, Chuck." " Wait, did you hear that?" "Hey, Chuck, it's me, Justin." "Hey, I just wanna tell you how much you mean to me." "You know, I never had a dad." "This guy, always with the dad stuff." "But thanks to you, now I have a hero." "You're an inspiration, Chuck." "When I was a kid, you came and spoke at my school, and, the very next day, my hot teacher came in and said you stole her underwear." "I named my dog after you." "Well, Chuck Norris," " but... but still." " Chuck, I've always admired you." "Remember your stalker, Lorraine?" "That was me." "Listen to that." "All those people care about you." "I feel like Tom Sawyer." "Like you're at your own funeral." "No, like I'm an amazing song by Rush." "Chuck, the only reason" "I give you such a hard time is because I'm jealous." "You're smart and accomplished and you must weigh like nothing because I just saw Carol carrying you through the parking lot." "The point is everybody looks up to you." "And I guess I do too." "I never knew she felt that way." "I never knew any of them did." "All those people down there, they think you're somebody, even if Madame Tussaud doesn't." "Aww, here, have a Klonex, but don't get it wet because it crumbles into dust." "There you are." " What the hell is happening?" " Well, what does it look like?" "Your mother went through a red door in my house, she saw my statue there, she brought it up here, now everyone thinks I'm trying to kill myself." "Is there anything else you need explained, detective?" "What?" "Well, take it down!" "Hey, look, Katie's trying to save Chuck!" "Oh, she's a hero!" "Yeah, Katie!" "How did you lift this thing?" "No, no, no, no, no, no!" "Oh, my God." "It's okay!" "I'm alive." "That's because you all believed in me." "Give yourselves a big round of applause." "There you go." "Now get back to work." "We have a show in 10 minutes." "Come on, move it along." "Get back to your little offices, your little holes." "You see, mom?" "That is why you never open the red door." "Katie, once again, you couldn't be more wrong." "Carol, thank you for opening the red door and for reminding me that it's not too late, not for any of us." "Maybe..." "Maybe dreams don't have an expiration date, unlike these 6,000 tubes of Crost flavor-free teethpaste." "Could you please get this garbage off the roof?" "Ah, what a day." "I can't believe I made" " all the right decisions." " Aw, good for you, Mom." " Ahh." " I did not." "I should never have read Portia's emails." "Did you see the one about you and Greg?" " That wasn't true, right?" " No, but why is that so hard to believe?" "I mean, I'm a sexy girl, right, Mommy?" "Ew, no, abort, good-bye forever." "Geez, what are you getting so worked up about if it wasn't true?" "Ooh." "Oh, don't "ooh."" "Let me ask you a question:" "What would've happened if" "Portia's email had read "Katie and Justin are totally boning"?" " I would've laughed it off." " And what did you do today?" "I freaked out for like 9 hours." " You wanna bone Greg!" " Oh, my God," " abort, good-bye forever." " You mark my words, your babies are gonna have the cutest accents." "That's not how that works, and you are insane." "Wait, gov'nah, would you like a cup of tea, Granny?" "Oh, my God, that thing is so creepy." "Why didn't anybody throw this away?" "Hey, get off me!" "I'm waiting for my Uber." "I'm sorry, sir."