"# My thoughts may stray #" "# My eyes may roam #" "# The neighbors' grass may seem much greener #" "# Than the grass right here at home #" "# If pretty girls excite me, well, that's life #" "# But just in case you didn't know #" "# I love my wife #" "# If rosy lips invite me, hey, that's life #" "# But just in case you couldn't guess #" "# Or hadn't heard or didn't know #" "# I love my wife, I love my wife #" "# I love my wife. #" "They do." "Carol and Doug go hunting." " They shoot things." " You sound surprised that I like to go hunting with my husband, Bianca." "It's just that I wouldn't have picked Doug as the hunting type." "Had you pegged as a wimp, Doug." "All these years she's calling you a wimp." "Doug's a Michigan boy." "Soon as they can get that license" " they go out and shoot up a deer." " You're damn right." "Wait a minute, Carol, you go too?" "You're into this, killing all these innocent animals?" "That is such bullshit." "It is propaganda put out by those animal rights people." "They're not innocent." "They're murdering, thieving, drug-addicted deer, and they deserve to be shot." "The game commission knows what the population is and the season is just long enough to keep the numbers down." "Besides, Bianca, it is very sexy." "Something happens to me when I see my husband shoot a deer." "Then I do a little gaming of my own that night in the tent." "Sometimes I even clean his gun." "Look at you, trying to talk the single folks into how hot marriage is." "Is this true, Dougie?" "You two get crazy out there in them woods?" "Hey, you should try it." "It's a lot better than antiquing." "Wait a minute, you mean to tell me" " Jake is into antiquing?" " Don't we have to go to the theater?" "Whoa, kids, don't knock antiquing." "I happen to get very hot when Jake gets a good price on an old dining-room set." "You should see us." "Jake makes us dress down so they don't see the dumb yuppie couple coming so they can jack up the prices." "The only thing is all the guys that run these shows are actually city yuppies dressed down to look like farmers." "What about you two?" "What do you guys do for fun?" "We make sport of our friends' habits." "We invite couples over, we get them to open up about what they do for recreation..." "And then we tease them mercilessly for the rest of their natural lives." " Right." " Thank you." "It's true, that's why you people are here tonight." "Watch this." "Kevin, what do you like to do in your free time?" "Doesn't want to say." "He's on a first date." "He's afraid to say too much." "Right, right." "Seriously, Micky, you spend all this time with your mates at the bar, but when it comes to being with me, it's always this big chore." "We're the only one of our friends" " that doesn't have a hobby." " We have hobbies." "Like?" "We go to movies, plays, we read the paper, take care of Bobby." "There are things we do together." "You clean the pimples on my back." "You enjoy that." " That's a hobby." " All I'm saying is that we could stand to get a little more active with the stuff that we do together." "I've been in Chicago for eight years." "I have never once been on the lake." "Would it be so bad for us to go..." " antiquing sometime?" " Antiquing?" "That's what you'd want to do?" "You'd want to go antiquing?" " I don't know, I've never tried it." " I have a friend, him and his wife went antiquing, they brought home this big antique thingy." "You know what they found out?" " Yeah, it was worth a fortune." " No." "It had mold." "Okay?" "The kid was sick for months." "They finally figured out what it was." "It was the mold." "Look at you, you just make this stuff up." "Where did you think of these things?" "You're insane." " You should be ashamed of yourself." " No, you're right." "It wasn't mold." "It was paint chips." "Lead paint chips fell off the thing, the kid picked it up, ate it, had the shits for months." "Poor little kid just shittin' everywhere around the house." "Just constantly, 24 hours a day." "Little shit droppings everywhere, okay?" "But if you want that, we'll go and we'll get some antiques and we'll let the shit-a-thon begin, okay?" "Okay, I've been hammered long enough." "I'm just an old city desk guy." "You people run the entertainment section." "If you think you need an internet column, then do it." "But personally..." "I think you can handle it with a series of articles." "Do it your way." "Now, let's talk about that "Year Ahead in Movies" section that you want to do." "Now I personally think a piece like that would only fly out there with the movie-prone sissy-type shitbags in Los Angeles." "But other than that, I have no opinion, so go ahead and do it if you want to." "Now, aren't things better when we treat each other nicely?" "Look at all this stuff, I love shopping." "We, my friend, are preferred customers." "Yes, we is." "You don't think there's another level, do you?" "Like a pre-presale for preferred preferred customers?" "Why would you say that?" "There better not be." "If there is, I wanna be on that list." "I'll go back, get that sports jacket for Micky." "Just take him at night after work." "Please!" "I can't take him shopping." "He acts like a nine-year-old." "You'd have thought I'd taken him to a castration ward." "Yeah, but there is something fun about dragging the Doug along." "I know." "Sometimes I'll take a peek out of the dressing room just to watch Micky holding my purse." "He's so sweet, but he does look wonderfully stupid." "Do you think it's bad we don't have any hobbies?" "I don't know about you and Micky, but Doug and I would go nuts without our hobbies." "And it's a great way to spend time together." "Oh my God, do you guys see what just came in the bar?" " Gorgeous." " That is un-fucking-believable." " Yeah." "She's perfect." " Oh, man!" "That is the hottest woman" "I've ever seen in my life." "You rarely see women like that in person..." "like not in the catalog." "You want to know something?" "As hot as she is," "I guarantee you somewhere there's a guy that's tired of fucking her." " Guarantee it." " That's sad." "Maybe, it's sad, but it's true." "It's a fact of life." "Even if he's still fucking her... tired of it." "Think that's true?" "Or is that just something men have sold themselves on so they feel better about themselves and their inability to get a woman like that?" "Murphy just came in." "Look, he's going over to her." "Look at that." "Oh no, you gotta be kidding me." "That guy's got a lot of balls." " Oh my God." " You know what?" "That's his wife." "I heard Murphy had this great-Iooking wife." "That's his wife." "You've gotta be kidding me." "That's Murphy's wife?" " Good for Murphy." " Good for him?" "Good for us." " Now we find out if it's true." " Find out if what's true?" "If there's a guy that's tired of fucking her." "What are you gonna do, walk down there and ask Murphy if he's tired of fucking his wife?" "None of us know him that well." "Excuse me, Jimmy Olsen, I thought you guys were reporters." "I guarantee if one of you guys cracks this riddle, you got yourself a Pulitzer Prize." "Quit fooling around, Ed!" "Great dinner, honey." " Yeah?" " Yeah, I was good and hungry too." " Service is my middle name." " Well done." "No price will be refused at Honest Ed's!" " Stop." " Come on, the cartoons are on." "They don't even know we're here." "Stop." "Daddy, if you took your cheek off," " what would be under there?" " What?" "Cheek." "I don't know, that's a good question." "I guess bones and muscle." "I'm not really sure." "But I know a guy at the paper who's a cheek expert." "I can ask him." " Thanks." " You got it." "Hey, any of you boys try Viagra yet?" "Not me, don't need it yet." "Me either." "I stick with new pussy, God's Viagra." " I've used it, it's good." " It's more than good, it's great." "I don't need it either, but, man, I love that stuff." " Really, it's good?" " Fucking unbelievable." "Especially the first time." "It's like strapping on a jet pack." "You're bouncing off the walls until you can figure out how to steer the fucker." "But once you got it figured out, it's amazing." "I keep my Viagra in my nightstand right next to my gun." "If I got my gun and I got my Viagra," "I know nothing's gonna come up in the middle of the night that I can't handle." "What?" "Oh!" "How about you, Murphy?" "Ever use any chemicals to brighten the bedroom?" "I make it a point not to talk to anyone about my wife, our sex life or any issue pertaining to it." "Gotta keep it pure." "Good game." "Yeah." "Good game." " Shit, that didn't go well." " Nice going there, newsboy." "What about Jake?" "He knows that guy, doesn't he?" "That's a good idea." "We should sic Jake on him." "Jake has people skills." "Dingle dick, I need you in my office now!" "I'll call you back." ""I find the conduct of your entertainment columnist less than entertaining." "He's in the habit of poking his married and curiously crooked penis into the loins of unsuspecting fellow employees." "I imagine the readers of this paper would find this behavior as disappointing as had the recipients of his skinny and uneventful cock." "Regards, Concerned Party."" "Well written." " Randall, I can explain this." " I don't want you to." "I want you to make it go away." " You got it?" " Got it." " Can I talk to you?" " I'm really busy." "You're too busy to have a conversation?" " I have a deadline." " Stop, I need to talk." "I really can't stop right now." "I gotta go to the third floor." "I need to talk to you about your letter to the editor." "What are you talking about?" "This is crazy, this is insane and you can't do this." "Jake, I think you need to grow up just a bit." " I don't need to grow up." " Yeah." "No, I don't, because I am a grownup." "I'm good and goddamn grown up!" "Jake, I got that diagram of the face and cheek muscles you wanted." "I hope your kid likes it." "Thank you." ""Don't bore me with allegations of voter fraud." "This city's first election was held in a saloon and when the ballots were counted, there were more votes than residents."" " Does it make sense?" " Yes." "Good, add it to the draft." "It's good." "It's great writing." "Let me ask you a question." "Do you and your boyfriend have hobbies?" "No." "I used to be his hobby and he used to be mine." "But now I come home, he comes over, he goes right to the football and I go into the bathroom, get into the tub and take the warm-water expressway to heaven." "That's my hobby." "Hey, why is it that you feel comfortable talking to me about this kind of stuff?" "I'm just curious." "You tell me all your goofy weird stuff with porno and things like that." "I apologize if I've crossed over the line." " Well, you have." " Oh." "I just don't necessarily want you to stop." "I didn't think so." " You okay?" " Yeah yeah." "You're standing there with the oddest look on your face." "What are you thinking about?" "I was thinking about a column I'm gonna write." "I don't know what you were thinking about, but you sure as hell weren't thinking about some fucking column." "You sure you're okay?" "No." "No, I'm not at all okay." "# Golden brown, texture like sun #" "# Lays me down, with my mind she runs #" "# Throughout the night #" "# No need to fight #" "# Never a frown with golden brown #" "# Every time just like the last #" "# On the ship, tied to the mast #" "# To distant lands, takes both my hands #" "# Never a frown with golden brown #" "# Golden brown, finer temptress #" "# Through the ages she's heading west #" "# From far away, stays for a day #" "# Never a frown with golden brown. #" "What did you say your name was again?" "Doug." "Doug Nelson." "You're tense today, Doug Nelson." "Hard." "Like rubbing back of dump truck or something." "My wife." "No matter how close we are, she always wants to be closer." "No matter how much time we spend together, she always wants to spend more." "It's never enough." "Maybe it is not such a bad thing, Doug." "What is it with us guys?" "Why is it so hard to spend time with our wives?" "I can spend hours and hours with my buddies, but it's so hard for me just to... be with her." "We're trying to have a second kid together." "You'd think I would want to spend more time with her." "Doug... women different from men." "You win a woman's heart... you have her whole body, her whole soul." "You win man's heart, you're lucky to get arm and a leg." "I know." "I know, that's my point." "But what do I do if she wants me to give her something that I don't have?" "What do I do then?" "You want happy ending today, Doug?" "No." "No, no actually." "No, I don't." "Doug, I give you happy ending." "No, that's okay, thank you." "Thank you." "I want one, I really do." "I just..." "I just..." "I actually... okay." "Okay, I'm just gonna have a regular massage, okay?" "Okay." "Thank you, thank you." " How you doing?" " Hi." "I need a couple rifles." "I need a couple rifles and probably..." "I need some bullets too." "What kind of rifles?" "I don't know." "Big ones, hunting ones." "What are you hunting?" " Deer." " Deer season's over." "Okay." "Ducks." "What kind of duck are you hunting?" "I don't know really." "I'm just gonna go north and hunt ducks." "North for duck this time of year?" " No?" " Huh-uh." "Okay, can I be honest?" "I'm just looking to quiet my wife down." "I don't care what kind of rifles you give me." "I just want to take her into the woods, I don't want to get all muddy," "I want to get in and I want to get the hell out and go home." "So whatever you got is good." "I'm happy." "Let me just get my manager." "Honey?" "Hey." "Couple rifles, a little duck hunting." "Hang on, Mom, I'll ring you back." "Sorry, who's going duck hunting?" "You and I as a hobby." "You wanted a hobby, we'll do a little duck hunting." "The hell we will." "This is bullshit!" "Get rid of these things." "I don't want them in the house." "You got these knowing I wouldn't want to go duck hunting." "How would I know that?" "All the time you spent telling me about when you used to go hunting with your dad when you were a kid in Spain." "Yeah, I told you I hated it." "You just don't listen." "Well, pardon me for not remembering every little detail." "Hunting is supposed to be very sexual." "Remember what Carol said?" "This is more of your games." "Just get rid of these things!" "Come on." "Don't be that way." "I will be that way, Micky." "You hate the outdoors." "Your idea of roughing it is a Marriott." "This is about you being able to say that I don't want to do the things that you want to do, and so now you can go hang out at the bar with your buddies, guilt free." " That's not true!" " Yes, it is!" " It isn't!" " Get those things out of the house!" "Fine, fine." "But in my next life," "I'm coming back as a husband that takes a lot less shit." "Better still, come back smarter." "I come back smarter, I'm not so sure I'm getting married again." "That wasn't nice, I shouldn't have said it," "I take it back, and I'm sorry." "Mmm." "Sit down, dinner's ready." "Okay, be right there." "Isn't this place great?" "Look at this stuff, Mick, it's wonderful." " You love it?" " Yeah." " Good, because I love you." " I love you too." "Wow, look at these." "These are fantastic." "I love that smell." "Is this old?" "Must be." "Very old, Revolutionary War." "Oh, you had to bring that up?" "She's British, she'll be cranky for weeks." "Stupid." "Look at this." "This is great." "This..." "and it's giant." "I wonder if it'll fit my long dresses." "Will you get in?" " Get in?" " Yeah." "No, I stopped modeling furniture in my teens." " It made me anorexic." " No, go on, get in." "I just want to see the size." "Go on." "Come on, it's not funny." "Open the door." "Come on." "Donna, come on, open the door." "Come on, open the door." "Donna!" "Donna!" "What the fuck are you doing?" "!" "As usual, awesome dinner, Mama." "Thank you, baby." "I just have to finish this proposal for work and then we can... what are you doing?" "I thought we were gonna watch a DVD." "I gotta get over to the bar." "I need to do a favor" " for Micky and his buddies." " What are you talking about?" " You've been out every night this week." " I know, but I promised." " What is it?" "What's the favor?" " It's nothing." "Okay, if it's nothing, then tell me." " It's nothing, I gotta go." " Jake..." "Bee, It's nothing, I'm doing the guys a favor." "All right." "It's ridiculous." "I don't expect you to understand, but they want me to talk to this guy Murphy for them." "About what?" "It's crazy, but they want me to get him to say whether or not he's still fucking his wife." "You are so full of shit." "Look me in the eye, I'm telling you the truth." " And then you're gonna come right home?" " Yes, right home." "It's not a problem." "Okay?" " Okay." " Okay." "Bye." "I'm feeling the heat." "Now, Murphy, I'm feeling heat." "Feeling heat?" "You feeling heat at home?" "What?" "Not at home yet." "I mean, it could reach the home, this heat." "I just..." "I just played the wrong hand... with a lady." "You fuck around on your wife a lot?" "I guess." "What's a lot?" "More than Billy Graham, less than Jessie Jackson?" "The fact is it's something's always been going on, hasn't it?" " Don't men always fuck around?" " Not always, no." " Not all guys." " Yeah, sure." "Men are men, they get bored, they want to play." "At least the ones that are honest." "Maybe." " Do you?" " Do I what?" "Fuck around?" "You ever fuck around?" "I don't... you know what?" "I don't talk about that stuff." "I don't talk about me and my wife or any of that." "That's such bullshit." "I just opened up to you." "What's the secret?" "You got some wisdom, let's hear it." "I thought you were my friend." "This has nothing to do with being friends." " I just don't talk about that stuff." " Don't be such a girl." "Fuck you, Murphy." " Don't even talk to me." " Okay, you know what?" "Not once in 12 years." "And don't let that out." "Let's keep that between me and you." " Bullshit." " Bullshit!" "I'm not kidding, she still gets me hot and turned on." "Every day, three or four times a day if she'd let me, and it has not diminished." "You must work at it, huh?" "Role-playing?" "Watch porn together?" "What do you do?" "Nothing." "What can I say?" "She's just... every time I see her, I want her clothes off." "Every chance I get, I would love to just jump her bones." "The other day, I come home and she's vacuuming..." "All right, I get it, I get it, I get it, Murphy." "But that's just it, I don't get it." "You guys running around here, looking for strange, and me, I don't like strange." "I get into bed, I want familiar." " Later, Murph." " I'll talk to you." "Look who's here." "So, was I right?" "I was right, wasn't I?" "Did he give in?" "He's tired of fucking her, isn't he?" "Yeah, you were right, Slayton." "He hardly ever touches her." "In fact, I think he may be impotent." "He's not impotent." "What's the matter with you?" "It's a fact of life." "No matter how hot a broad is somewhere there's a guy out there tired of fucking her." "You did good, Jakey boy." "You did good." "Come on, it's your shot." "Want to play next game?" "No." "I'm going home." " Ladies." " Take it easy, Jake." "Go back to the beginning." "What did you do when you first met?" "Bianca and I met at an antique show." "We both worked at the paper." "We didn't do anything." "We went to the movies and we screwed." "We humped." "She was just great to hang with." "What's that?" "Meat loaf." "Your wife sends you to work with meat loaf?" "That is so gay." "She's not really looking for a hobby anyways, Mick." "You want to know what she's looking for?" "She's looking for time when you're with her and she knows that there's no place else you'd rather be during that time." "That's all she's looking for." "That's not true." "You should have heard her." "She gave me this whole speech about all the time she's been in Chicago and she's never been on the lake." "Lake's still there." "It's not over yet." "I'm just curious, do you ever get tired of us doing all of your thinking?" "# Oogum, oogum, boogum, boogum, boogum, now baby, you're casting... #" "Hi." "I want to charter one of these boats here?" "Sure." "# I say oogum, oogum, boogum, boogum, boogum... #" "Wow, look at this." "This is wonderful." " Do you know how to sail it?" " Honestly?" " Yeah." " You and I go out on this thing, we're never coming back." "But here's what I'm thinking." "We'll start slowly." "We'll sit on the deck, we'll have sandwiches," "I'll tell you some jokes, we have a good time, we'll come back, we'll take sailing lessons." "Is there a cabin?" "Yes, there's a cabin, one-track mind." " Come on, get on." " # You wear that cute miniskirt #" "# With your brother's sloppy shirt #" "# Huh!" "I admit, girl #" "# That I can dig it, and I says oogum, oogum, boogum, boogum, boogum. #" "Okay, here we go, babe, couple of boaters!" "Oh Jesus!" "My first big sailing accident." " Wow!" " Are you okay?" "No, I'm not okay." "Hey, this is lame, okay?" "I know it." "It's lame, but you know what?" "It's a start and I love you." "Oh, it's not lame at all." "It is, it's lame." "But you know what I was thinking we could do" " for our next stab at a hobby?" " Mm-hmm?" " Bowling." "Bowling." " Think again." "Okay, what about this?" "Maybe we could collect little glass rabbits." "Would you want to be one of those ladies that collects glass rabbits?" "Glass rabbits?" "Shoot me first." "Okay, but know this... any hobby you come up with..." "any hobby..." "I will do, okay?" " Anything?" " Anything." "I just want you to know that." "Anything, okay?" "How about yodeling?" "I want us to be one of those couples that yodel together." "Those couples don't exist." "That's the problem." "They do." "They absolutely do, I did a piece on them once." "They have great, great sex." "Yodeling gets you very hot." "Okay, yodel, see if I get hard." "I'm not gonna yodel to get your dick hard." "I'll do plenty of other things, but I'm not gonna yodel." "Okay, then I'll yodel." "Oh, yodel-ay-he-hoo!" "Wow!" "Serious echo." " You asshole." " I am an asshole." "You're stuck on the high seas with me." "You okay?" " Yeah, I'm good, very good." " # And I said I want you #" "# To want me #" "# And I want you to need me... #" "I love you, Micky." "# 'Cause everybody wants to feel needed sometime... #" "So, it was good." "We had fun." "We're never going sailing again," " but we had a good time." " Sex?" "Well, put it this way..." "I had lumps all over the back of my head." "Put it another way, one that we'll understand." "Yes." "Good sex." "I don't want to talk about it though." "Got to keep it pure." "That means it was once, once the whole weekend." "Once?" "The whole weekend?" " Yeah." " No shit." " We read and stuff, it was good." " Sounds good." "Not to me." "If I take a babe away for the weekend," "I have to hit that ass at least six to 10 times or she better have a credit card to split the expenses when we check out." "That's because you're talking about a single weekend," "I'm talking about a married weekend." "Try reading a book with one of these women you go out with." "Try being married to the same woman 10 years, you take her away for the weekend and you tell me how many times you hit that ass." "Being single is sprinting, anyone can sprint." "Being married's running a fucking marathon, am I right?" " You're right, sir." " Absolutely." "Do me a favor, Kevin." "# And I said I want you... #" "Don't mess with my hobbies." "# To want me, and I want you... #" "I think you touched a nerve there, junior." "Do you think he was upset because I can hit ass six to 10 times in one weekend or because I don't read with them when I'm finished?" "You can fuck six to 10 times in one weekend?" " You can read?" " You know what?" "I've got to quit hanging out with married guys." "# Has the game changed?" "#" "# Have the rules changed?" "#" "# And as we're getting older #" "# Is it getting colder?" "#" "# If you know..." "well, if you know now #" "# Won't you tell me?" "#" "# Summer's comin' soon #" "# My heart's been growing wild #" "# I can walk without a planned end #" "# I walk just like a child #" "# So go speed to somewhere #" "# The world you can't control. #"