"C'mon, play with me, it's fun." "If you have sex with the prostitute before you steal her car you get extra points." "I'm leaving Harry." "For good." "Dammit." "No." "What were you saying?" "Grow up, Harry." "Goodbye." "Oh." "Hi." "You have a child?" "Of course!" "That explains the bobbleheads in your bedroom" "I don't have a child." "And those bobble heads are long term investments." "Sorry kid, we're not buying whatever you're selling." "What's this about?" "I feel like I'm your mistress." "And you're not even married." "You're not married, right?" "No, I would never do that to me." "Dad?" "Your dad's not here." "Wrong apartment, buddy." "C'mon, Brenda." "Ah, Linda." "Brenda is my pet name for you." "We're breaking up." "But we weren't even dating." "Oh, we weren't monogamous were we?" "You know you're a real son of a bi" "Whoa." "Not in front of the kid." "You're Harry Dacosta, right?" "Yeah." "I mean, maybe." "It's me, Billy!" "You're my dad." "You got my mom pregnant." "What?" "Oh, God..." "Cancun?" "You gave my mom your frozen sperm." "That's not possible." "The sperm I donated was room temperature..." "Oh." "Right." "Honestly, Brenda I" "Ah, it's still Linda." "Dad." "Yeah, that's my big concern right now" "I'm glad I found you dad!" "I used to give, give, give." "I gave to these two ladies." "That's my boy." "Oh, and I'm also their donor." "That's kind of my daughter, huh huh huh." "And she's looking to have a baby too." "I'm Harry, but the kids, they call me dad." "And I like dissecting things." "You should see my roadkill album, Dad." "It's good." "I'm not your Dad." "Just go home." "I got to go to work." "Can we get a Slurpee?" "Want some chewing tobacco?" "I can't believe you actually tried it." "Hey, you're hard core." "My mom said you went to Princeton." "I brought you a T-shirt." "I may have exaggerated my donor resume." "I didn't actually attend Princeton." "Oh that's cute." "I'm not a doctor or anything," "I'm a bartender" "A bartender's way better!" "You get free soda!" "Yeah." "Sit down." "You're late one more time I'll terminate you." "You're not actually going to fire me." "Of course not, that was a death threat." "Here, eat something." "Ew." "Gross." "That's a screwdriver." "Who's the kid?" "This is a scam." "He's looking for money." "He's nine." "Bone marrow?" "No, he said his friend's brother hacked the sperm bank's computer." "And they got all my info when they looked up my donor number." "XC-3000." "I'm XC-3000?" "I'm like a sperm robot sent from the future." "That means I'm half robot." "Right, Dad?" "I'm not really your Dad." "This is different." "I'm used to different, I have two moms." "You're Mormon?" "They're lesbians." "I told you donating your stuff was a bad idea." "Actually you said it was free money with no downside." "You gotta take him home." "You think?" "He won't tell me where he lives." "Hey!" "You're a woman, can't you handle him?" "I'm not maternal." "My womb only accepts incoming." "Alright, how about I make you a smoothie - that's a rich man's Slurpee - while you call one of your Moms." "I forgot the number." "No you didn't." "Yes, I did." "Prove it." "You prove it." "Call your Moms or I'll call the cops." "I'll tell them you kidnapped me." "I like this kid." "Ah, come on." "I didn't do anything." "Definitely your son." "Early-thirties are tough." "You've partied hard, drummed with a couple bands, and been in tons of flings with, I think, objectively hot women." "But what now?" "I fell like I've done it all." "You ever get picked on?" "Nope." "I get picked on by Sam Corrales." "Well, you can't run from a bully." "Yes I can." "My legs are short but they're fast." "No no no, you've got to strike first." "Then you become the alpha dog." "School's a lot like those prison movies." "Got it." "Hop on, we're going to the Sperm Bank." "I'm gonna get them to tell me the names of your parents." "How do you like that?" "Busted." "Aren't you just the cutest?" "Thank you." "Oh, you mean, Billy." "You're a chick magnet." "Not with the girls in fourth grade." "Why don't you go count how many seats there are on the bus." "You're so lucky." "Aren't kids great?" "Little miracles." "Every day they surprise you." "So... does your boyfriend want to have kids?" "Oh, I don't have a boyfriend." "To be clear I'm not with the kid's mom." "His mom is with his mom." "I am so single." "You should actually take my number so we can set up a play date with Billy." "Billy won't be there." "You carry pre- numbered napkins?" "You are smooth, Mr. Princeton." "Oh no, you've got it totally wrong." "It's um, Doctor Princeton." "I'm permanently off dating." "Just a fling then." "No." "No no no no no." "No more impulsive bad decisions for me." "Oh, and this is not my stop." "That's ok, I'll just ah, walk." "The medical complex is only six stops away." "Oh you know we're actually going to the medical complex too." "Because I'm a doctor." "The clinic's not gonna tell you my momses names." "It's private." "Is that right, Billy Jones-Krasnoff of 2416 Harper Lane?" "Someone's address is on their backpack." "Ah, man." "Stay on the bus." "We're going home." "I coulda had her too." "Come here." "Thank the universe you're ok!" "We've been so worried sick about you." "You cannot just run off and miss school like that ok." "I don't need school." "I have Google." "Harry brought me home." "Harry?" "Thank you so much." "You're welcome." "You don't look like a lesbian." "I was imagining more of a" "Oh, there you go." "You okay." "Who is this?" "I'm not a bastard anymore!" "When did you first consider using a sperm donor?" "Yesterday." "I just, I realized I don't want a husband." "I want a family." "A child." "Unconditional love." "I want someone tall." "Everyone wants tall." "And I'm not racist or anything but" "Lots of white guys in there too." "Great." "I mean, whatever." "I don't care." "Thirty five hundred dollars?" "To get pregnant?" "Isn't there a cheaper procedure?" "Yes." "Getting drunk at a bar." "And that's Billy skating on the pond where Michelle grew up." "Billy's a cute kid." "But wow was he was an ugly baby." "That's Ghandi, he's my hero." "You're no Ivy League sperm." "I was accepted to Princeton." "But chose not to attend due to my burgeoning musical career." "Which is still burgeoning." "In my youth I made some very avant-garde decisions." "She means mistakes." "You know, Billy is just bubbling with joy." "He really likes you, Harry." "He likes everything." "And then he changes his mind." "You'll soon be replaced by a goldfish." "Oh, that's cool." "Not the father type." "Look, I get how you'd like me to teach Billy the manly stuff that you girls can't handle" "Girls?" "And manly stuff." "Look, I like gay women." "Ellen Degeneres, Mother Theresa, all of them." "It's just that, I think you need to get Billy to join the boy scouts or something." "Boy scouts?" "No, never." "They're practically a military organization." "Ok, just mind your business ok, Harry." "We don't need a fourth wheel." "I got lots of pelts to show you, Dad!" "Don't call him dad." "I'm leaving, Billy." "When are you coming back?" "Aw, I don't think that's happening, buddy" "I hate you." "You hate me?" "C'mon." "Told you he'd change his mind." "I hate you more than I've ever hated anything in my entire life." "It's only nine years of hate." "Billy said he hated me." "So many people hate you." "What's one more?" "I said the same thing to my Dad at his age and I meant it." "Yeah, but this is different." "Your Dad got your mom pregnant the old fashioned way." "Drunk, while yelling at the hockey game." "You know what, you're right." "I am not dad material." "You would be horrible." "Beer." "You know you look exactly like my sister did in high school." "She snuck into bars too." "I.D.?" "I'm fifteen." "Sorry, kid, gotta be responsible here." "This is kind of crazy, but," "I think you're my father." "Mazel tov." "So I posted your donor number, XC- 3000, online, and said I was looking for my biological dad." "Then last night this little kid emailed me" "Billy?" "Yeah." "He told me where you work, so" "So, half of my daughter's DNA comes from you?" "Try not to sound too disappointed, Mom." "On the contrary Anastasia, I wouldn't change a thing about you." "Which means of course, I wouldn't change a thing about Harry." "They didn't tell me my dad isn't my real dad until I turned fifteen." "Who does that?" "I'm a child therapist Harry." "I'm quite capable of handling the situation." "You're the worst." "I understand that you think I am the worst Anastasia." "Thank you for communicating that to me." "It's so cold." "You're in shock, dear." "Jonathan is the youngest lawyer at his firm to be made partner." "Harry doesn't care about that, Mom!" "Harry's cool." "I love your cologne." "It's Old Spice." "I bet Harry'd let me spend the night at" "Brandon's house party." "Brandon is Anastasia's boyfriend." "Naturally, we are somewhat concerned" "Nothing is going to happen!" "We trust you, Ana, it's just that" "I would let you go." "If I may, Harry, can I call you, Harry?" "Stay away from my family." "Harry is family." "I'm not." "But I am smart enough to know that if she's planning on hooking up with this Brandon kid, no one is stopping her." "She's not planning anything." "I don't want to get involved." "But sure she is." "We provide a safe way for Anastasia to express herself freely and as such, not feel the need to engage in sexual behavior prior to her maturity." "She's not planning on having sex." "Yes I am." "What?" "Brandon's unhappy." "I'm going to lose him unless I put out." "We have to move someplace north where the winters are longer and colder." "Anastasia will have to wear many layers just to survive." "You realize Anastasia that this is textbook behaviour." "Oh my god!" "And you are not going to that party young lady, okay, sweetie?" "We had to expect this." "I meant, you named her Anastasia?" "That's kind of a stripper name." "She's not a stripper!" "Is she?" "Not yet." "But trust me, I know exotic dancers." "It's all pent-up Daddy issues." "And she's got a lot of those." "Ok, I'd like it if you never contacted me, my wife or my daughter ever again." "If you don't mind." "Yeah." "Absolutely." "That's great." "Thank you, very much." "Ok." "Thirty-five hundred bucks?" "Hello." "Doctor." "Doctor?" "No, I'm sorry I think you have the wrong number." "No, I met you and your really cute son." "It's me, bus girl." "Yeah." "Oh, um, the doctor is in!" "Hold on." "Nurse, get me 20 CCs of- medicine.. stat." "So, bus girl, what is your name?" "Oh, it's better if you don't know it." "Um, you don't have any insanity or genetic disorders in your family do you?" "No, I'm good." "Well, my dad's a dick, but I think that's just a choice." "Why?" "How about we meet for sex and then I'll never see you ever again." "Sold." "I'm ovulating - um," "I'm obviously very attracted to you." "So it has to be tonight." "Or 27 nights after that." "No no no." "Tonight it is." "I'll book a room at the Hilton." "Ten?" "Under Miss- Fallopian." "Are you Armenian?" "That's not my real name." "Alright, Ms. Fallopian, prepare for the doctor to make a house call." "In your hotel room." "Where we will do it." "Ok." "Yeah!" "We shouldn't be here." "Ladies?" "Is Billy okay?" "I mean, whatever." "Billy got into a fight at school." "He punched Sam Corrales." "He probably deserved it." "She." "Sam's a girl?" "I mean I guess we should be glad our son's a gender neutral bully but still..." "OK, we should go." "No." "Billy's acting out." "He told the babysitter that he wants to buy chewing tobacco." "So we were hoping that you would help Billy with his new found assertiveness?" "Help him lose it." "I don't know." "He hates me." "Hates you?" "You're all he talks about." "Ya, it's all "Harry this, Harry that." "Harry's an idiot."" "That last part was me." "So you want me - the fourth wheel - to talk to him?" " Yes." " No." " Ok." " Yes." "Fine, I'll do it." "You know, my hero is Ghandi, so I'm following my spirit here and I'm putting my trust in you." "And my hero is Chuck Norris." "So, don't get too comfortable." "Ooh." "Ah, no, that's fine, just not tonight." "I got a date in an hour." "She's totally desperate." "If she's dating you, she is." "You didn't change your mind did you" "It's Anastasia!" "I'm at Brandon's party." "It's wild." "You should come by!" "Probably not my demographic." "No, it's cool." "There's gonna be older guys here." "They're bringing beer!" "Hey, who are you talking to?" "Tell him it's a lipstick party!" "Ah, come on." "Do you know what a lipstick party is?" "I barely know what lipstick is." "Right." "Huh." "Lipstick party..." "Wow." "Huh." "How do they get all that different colored lipstick on a guy's" "Oh dear lord." "Can I get a ride somewhere?" "I don't own a car." "He's our sperm donor." "It was very nice of you, a virtual stranger, to come by and alert us to our daughter's current whereabouts." "I didn't have your phone number or" "I would have called." "And thank you for driving all of us." "Of course, we're practically family." "Anything to help Billy's sister!" "We are not family." "We should have handled this on our own." "We need to respect that Anastasia reached out to Harry." "And not to the two people that have been there for her since she drew her first breath." "Anastasia is such a beautiful name." "I went to art school with an Anastasia." "Great dancer." "Ballet?" "No the other kind." "We need to accept that our daughter is becoming a sexual being." "Sexual being?" "She's at a lipstick party." "I don't know what that means." "You are so out of it." "A lipstick party is when" "Oh my god!" "We need to get her braces." "The kind with sharp metal edges on them." "I hate this Brandon kid." "What kind of perv does this to a girl?" "Damnit!" "I forgot my anonymous sex date!" "Please go faster." "Hurry!" "Wait, wait." "Anastasia snuck out of our house, but she called Harry." "We might need to respect that." "She's our daughter." "Not his." "The thought of Harry being what's best for our Billy disgusts me too." "Tell her we're here for her." "Don't worry, I'll get your daughter out of there." "I'll also confiscate some of their beer." "Do you know where Anastasia is?" "Are you her Dad?" "Ummmm." "I'm just going to say this." "We are not "a family" just because our kids share some DNA alright." "Cause this is crazy." "I was thinking the exact same thing." "I mean, who is this Harry guy?" "He could be a monster." "I checked his criminal record." "Oh, I checked too." "He's clean." "Still, he has no right to be in our lives." "A child should be raised by a husband and a wife." "And that's that." "Exactly!" "You know we're gay, right?" "Harry." "What are you doing at a lipstick party?" "Gross." "I'm not doing any of that." "Well, that's smart." "You okay?" "Yes." "No." "I saw Brandon kissing Robin Matheson." "Why does the world have to suck?" "I do not know." "Look at me." "The best thing I've ever done involved five minutes into a styrofoam cup in a sperm bank." "That's really sweet." "Anastasia!" "I'm sorry you had to see me with Robin." "It's okay, Brandon." "No, it's not okay." "What you did with Robin was scummy." "Disgusting." "Vile." "No, it's not." "I'd do it again!" "Harry, no!" "You okay, Brandy?" "He punched me, Robin." "I wouldn't let him call our love disgusting." "Robin is a boy?" "Ah, man." "What is wrong with gender-specific names?" "Brandon's gay." "He told me tonight." "Did I just commit a hate crime?" "They say it takes a village to raise a child." "And every village has an idiot." "On the bright side." "If, God forbid, Anastasia ever needs a transplant," "Harry could come in handy." "And if he won't donate willingly," "I can always carve out the bit's our kids need." "Daddy." "There's my girl." "Hi." "Would you be able to speak to a recently out of the closet homosexual boy who may have been accidentally gay bashed?" "Hi, oh my god you look beautiful." "You're two hours late." "Ya, I'm so sorry!" "I did not want to miss this, believe me." "I mean this is my Super Bowl." "It's just the kids!" "You know they're in my head." "And I don't like it." "But, I promise you, I promise myself," "I will not let them get in the way of me hooking up with emotionally needy women" "Or a lovely lady like yourself." "Is this how they treat people in New Jersey?" "No idea." "I've never been there." "So you didn't graduate from Princeton, Doctor?" "You lie to women all the time?" "No." "Yes." "Ok, sometimes." "But only if it makes me look better." "Thank you for reminding me why" "I want nothing to do with men." "Jerk." "Oh c'mon, you knew I was lying." "What kind of doctor rides a bus?" "We could have just adopted." "What?" "Can you imagine our daughter without your gorgeous smile?" "That smile has generations left in it." "Are you wearing Old Spice?" "Don't punch girls." "Or people with weird boy-girl names." "Or gay people!" "Or..." "Huh." "You know maybe it's just better if you just don't punch anyone." "Instead spread rumors." "That's effective." "Got it." "And you know Sam's teasing you cause she likes you, right." "You'd better get used to it." "You've got my DNA." "Ladies love us." "He's so sweet." "He's an idiot." "I'm so happy I can pay in installments." "I'm getting a baby on lay away." "Yup." "This is the baby daddy I want." "Okay, here we go." "Oh!" "Oh, god I love his picture." "I hope my baby has his eyes, his smile, his- wait a second." "And we're done." "XC-3000." "Good choice."