"( theme song playing )" "Papa Bear calling Goldilocks." "Papa Bear calling Goldilocks." "Come in, please." "Come in, Goldilocks." "BRITISH WOMAN ( over radio ):" "Papa Bear, Goldilocks wishes to know if you were able to get any photographs of the new German antiaircraft guns in Hammelburg." "Negative, Goldilocks." "We sent out a new team, but the area's under tight security." "Were you able to get any information on the guns from our agents in Germany and Italy?" "Negative again, Goldilocks." "Roger, Papa Bear." "Continue efforts on the new antiaircraft guns." "Roger, Goldilocks." "Uh, just a moment, miss." "Would you care to be a pen pal to a lonely British war hero in a German prison camp who lies in his bunk staring at the ceiling, wondering if ever again he'll see the white cliffs of Dover" "or go strolling through the heather in the Highlands or take a rosy-cheeked English lass punting on the Thames?" "Stand by, Papa Bear." "Our wires have just been crossed with the BBC and we're getting one of those dreadful soap operas." "Roger, Goldilocks, over and out." "Yeah, she thinks she's a ruddy comedian." "Well, don't take it so hard, Newkirk." "At least you've got a job waiting for you at the BBC." "Kinch?" "Yeah, Colonel." "What'd the Allied Headquarters want?" "They still want us to get a line on those new antiaircraft guns." "Did you get in touch with Major Bonacelli in Capizzio?" "No, I couldn't reach him." "If you ask me, Bonacelli's working as a singing waiter in an Italian restaurant in Switzerland." "You're not being fair." "He happens to be a very valuable agent for us." "Yeah, I just hope the Germans haven't caught on to him yet." "Try getting him again, huh?" "Right, Colonel." "Papa Bear calling Capizzio." "Come in, Capizzio." "Colonel Hogan, I..." "Hold it, Carter." "Papa Bear calling Capizzio." "Come in, Major Bonacelli." "Colonel..." "Please, LeBeau." "Come in, Major Bonacelli." "I'm in, I'm in." "Hold it, Major." "Major Bonacelli!" "You have a wonderful memory for faces, Colonnello." "Bravo, eh?" "Well, why aren't you in Capizzio?" "Well, because they discovered my secret radio." "Well, didn't you have it camouflaged?" "Yeah, but who figured the captain of the Gestapo would put a fork into a plate of cold lasagna?" "Oh, great." "Ahh, and then we tried to wire a pizza and I believe it was the tomato sauce that kept shorting it out." "I don't know." "Major, did you by any chance see those new German antiaircraft guns at Capizzio?" "No." "You see, when you are running a prisoner-of-war camp, you do not have the chance to see the equipment." "We tried to get a look at those guns in Hammelburg, Colonel, but it was just impossible." "Well, it's up to you, Major Bonacelli." "Me?" "!" "Mm-hmm." "( speaking Italian )" "But please, no jokes, Colonnello Hogan." "I only drop in to get a hot meal and a road map to Switzerland." "Major, you've got to help us." "Well, you didn't hear what I said, eh?" "The Gestapo is after me." "They're not going to suspect you're here." "( sighs )" "Colonel Hogan, you're looking at a very tired man." "You know, to make my escape, for three days I had to be with a donkey cart." "Well, why would that make you tired?" "My dear boy, today in Italy when a man says "a donkey cart,"" "he doesn't necessarily mean that he has a donkey." "Look, look, I'll make a deal with you." "I'll check to see if Klink has any information about your defection." "If he doesn't, you go into town, get the pictures of the guns and we'll get you to London." "What do you got against Switzerland?" "You could be a big help to London." "Think of all the Italian lives you'd save." "All right." "I get a headache from yodeling, anyway." "Hey, LeBeau, what is that you're cooking?" "A pizza." "Pizza?" "!" "Yeah, that's what Major Bonacelli ordered for breakfast." "Where'd you get the stuff to make that with?" "What do you think he brought in his suitcase?" "Clothes?" "He had one pair of shorts wrapped around a salami and four pair of socks filled with mozzarella cheese." "Hey, you know if the Gestapo ever let their dogs have a sniff of his garlic, they're going to tear old Bonacelli to pieces." "( chuckling )" "Hello, LeBeau, my friend." "How are you this morning?" "You know how he is-- up to his ears in garlic." "It figures you'd be the first one to get wind of what he's cooking, Schultz." "Oh, you are cooking?" "Oh, come off it, Schultz." "You can smell his stuff for a mile." "Three miles." "Somebody opened the window on my bus." "Here, anybody want a piece of pizza?" "Oh, ja, ja, ja, ja, ja, ja." "I would love to have..." "Oh, that looks beautiful." "Mmm, that's a beautiful pizza, ja." "Tell me, LeBeau, tell me, why did you make an Italian dish?" "Don't you know what day this is?" "No, what day is this?" "Leonardo da Vinci's birthday." "How do you like that?" "I forgot it." "Oh, yeah, LeBeau's a very sentimental man." "Thank you." "Yeah..." "Last week he made a tamale pie in honor of Ricardo Cortés." "Carter, that's "Hernando Cortés."" "I always get those two mixed up." "Mmm, wunderbar." "Wunderbar!" "Mmm, I wish my wife would cook like this." "Oh, come on, Schultzy, your old lady can't be that bad." "No?" "!" "Last year I had Christmas dinner here in camp!" "You didn't." "And with the prisoners." "Hi, fellas." "You want a piece of pizza, Colonel?" "Uh, no, thanks." "Good, I take his piece." "Okay..." "Boys, arrivederci." "Good." "Th-th-that's Italian." "Yeah, we know." "NEWKIRK:" "Marvelous." "* O, sole mio... *" "Major Bonacelli." "I thought the guard would never leave." "Oh, the smell of that pizza was driving me out of my mind." "I've got good news for you, Major." "Just one moment, Colonnello." "Ooh, ahh, ahh..." "Mmm, mmm..." "How you like it, Major?" "Well, it could use a little more garlic." "If it had any more garlic, it'd take the hair off your chest." "Not when it is Italian hair." "Eh?" "( laughs )" "Yeah, Major, uh... nothing has come through from the Gestapo on your escape." "That's good news, huh?" "You can go out through the tunnel, come in through the main gate and help us with our mission." "Just because we got good news, why do we have to spoil it?" "If we can get Klink to take you into town to see those antiaircraft guns, you can be of great value to headquarters." "But Colonel Hogan, they could get word here in a minute." "And you know the next thing will happen?" "I will end up into the big pizzeria in the sky." "Now, look, Major, if we work fast, you got nothing to worry about." "All right, all right, I will do it." "But first you must promise me to do one favor." "Anything." "Make him put more garlic on the next pizza, eh?" "Colonel Hogan is here, Herr Kommandant." "Good morning, Colonel." "Good morning, Hogan." "State your complaint and leave." "Why is it every time I come in here you think I have a complaint?" "Well, then, Hogan, what can I do for you?" "I have a complaint." "Please, I have no time this morning." "I happen to have received a letter from my mother." "Hogan, I don't even read letters from my own mother." "The letter I received from my mother is one that I sent her!" "What are you talking about?" "This time your censors have gone too far." "Suppose you let me be the judge of that, hmm?" "This letter was one in which I said to my mother," ""If I ever have a son," ""I hope he is as fine a man as our commandant, Colonel Klink."" "I turned this over to intelligence immediately, and they assured me they will break your code." "( knock at door )" "What is it, Schultz?" "Herr Kommandant, you are having a visitor." "A visitor?" "Major Bonacelli-- the Italian prisoner- of-war commandant-- remember?" "He was once sent here to you for a training course." "Bonacelli, of course." "Send him in." "It's always nice to visit with one of our allies." "Allies?" "I thought you said he was Italian." "Hogan, Major Bonacelli is a loyal officer." "If you are ever in Capizzio, you must visit me, eh?" "Oh, I'd love to, Major." "I will show you sights that will fill your heart with amore." "And, when the moon rises over the barbed wires of the prison camp, it will make your knees feel weak like linguini." "I hear that he's called "The Klink of Capizzio."" "Ah, Major Bonacelli, how nice to see you." "How nice to see you, Maestro, eh?" "Oh, you're very kind." "Oh, not at all." "I did not know how to run a prisoner-of-war camp until I studied under the great Klink." "Oh, really?" "Yes, yes." "Before I took lessons from you, the only thing I ever threw into the cooler was white wine." "Oh, you were my finest pupil." "Grazie." "If you fellas are going to have a class reunion," "I'd like to leave." "Who is he?" "Colonel Hogan, the ranking officer for the prisoners." "Don't you remember me, Major?" "I was here when you were walking around the campus in your frosh beanie." "Ah, yes." "Yes, yes, I remember, yes." "What can I do for you, Major?" "He obviously wants a refresher course." "In my camp, for that you would have gotten two days in the cooler." "If you had a nice white wine, it'd be worth it." "( gasps )" "You must forgive Colonel Hogan's distorted sense of humor." "You're still laughing over the one about the Italian "allies."" "Oh, any dissension between the Germans and the Italians is purely enemy propaganda." "Ah, bravo, bravo." "Uh, Major, how many of the new, secret antiaircraft guns have you got at Capizzio?" "Uh, secret antiaircraft guns?" "Yeah, the same ones they delivered to Hammelburg." "Oh, don't tell me they haven't shown them to their allies." "Well, I'm positive the Colonnello Klink would be more than happy to show me the new guns." "Eh?" "My pleasure, sir." "First we will inspect the guns and then we will go to the Hofbrau for a fine luncheon of sauerbraten, huh?" "Sauerbraten?" "You will be my guest, sir." "I'll just go and call for the car." "Nice work, Major." "You also got yourself a free lunch." "Sauerbraten?" "I'm sure that the food is deadlier than the guns." "Boom!" "Well, Major... there's our latest antiaircraft gun." "We will wipe out the Allied air power." "Their planes will drop like flies." "Very impressive, Colonnello, very impressive." "Well, now that we've seen the guns, it's off to the sauerbraten!" "( camera skitters )" "May I ask what you're doing with this camera?" "Uh..." "Uh, heh, heh..." "I know..." "I know you will think of me as being too sentimental." "You see, I wanted a picture of you, Colonnello Klink." "A picture of me?" "Yes." "I always had admiration for three great heroes:" "Cristoforo Columbo, Guglielmo Marconi and... you." "Me?" "With Marconi and Columbus?" "Not necessarily in that order." "Oh, that's most flattering." "May I?" "Stand right over here." "We have direct light." "Yes, yes." "All right, are you ready?" "Colonel, more to the right." "That's good, very good." "Smile, eh?" "This is my good side." "Watch the birdie." "You've got to give it to old Bonacelli." "I never thought he'd go through with it." "Yeah, he knows which side of the pizza his cheese is melted on." "Colonel, I contacted the underground." "Good." "As soon as Bonacelli gets back from town, they will be ready to get him to England." "Ah, should be in about..." "Hey, hey, we got visitors." "KINCH:" "Hochstetter?" "That could be bad news." "Ever hear of the Gestapo bringing good news?" "Hey, Schultz... what brings Hochstetter and his fun-loving Gestapo here?" "I know nothing!" "The area is all clean, Colonel." "Boy, it sure is." "You can eat off the ground." "Which is a lot more than I can say for the tables in the mess hall." "It is not clean!" "There is paper right over there." "That's the guards' area." "Make them clean it up." "It blew over from your barracks." "When the wind shifts, we'll pick it up." "HOCHSTETTER:" "Schultz!" "Schultz!" "Jawohl, Herr Major." "Where's Colonel Klink?" "Oh, he is in Hammelburg having lunch with a guest." "Oh, well, have him report to me the moment he returns." "Jawohl, Herr Major." "Anything I can do?" "I have reports that there's a traitor in the area." "Oh, a traitor." "Oh, I report to the commandant the minute he returns with Major Bonacelli." "Good, I..." "Bonacelli?" "That's the traitor!" "Carter, wander over to Hochstetter's car." "I think he's got some papers on his tire." "I don't see any papers." "Puncture the tire." "We need time." "Oh, I get it." "All right, come on, LeBeau, we got to get into town and warn Bonacelli." "Herr Major, Herr Major..." "Herr Major, Major Bonacelli is the best prisoner-of-war commandant in the Italian army." "He is giving information to the enemy." "Where is Colonel Klink having lunch?" "At the Hofbrau." "The Hofbrau, good." "Major Hochstetter!" "What?" "!" "Please, don't forget, order the Wiener schnitzel." "It's excellent!" "Bah!" "I wonder why he doesn't like Wiener schnitzel." "Because it was outlawed at the Geneva Convention, along with cruel and inhuman treatment." "Oh." "( Klink laughs with glee )" "I can smell the sauerbraten already." "Take a deep breath." "Is that an order?" "( chuckles )" "Major Bonacelli, I assure you, there's absolutely nothing in the world like German cooking." "You are so right-- there is nothing in the world like German cooking." "Colonel Klink, good afternoon!" "Gretchen, my Liebchen." "This is Major Bonacelli." "This is the prettiest waitress in all of Germany." "Oh, Colonel, you say that to all the waitresses." "Come this way." "She is..." "crazy about me." "Colonnello, really... you should not go to all this trouble for me." "Oh, please, I want to show you my friendship." "You showed me the guns." "That was friendly enough, no?" "I am going to give you a taste of real German hospitality." "All right, if you insist." "Please." "Here we are." "Would you like to look at a menu?" "Ah-- no menu." "We will have two orders of sauerbraten." "And veal scaloppini for me, huh?" "Oh, I've ordered for both of us." "No, if you don't mind, Colonnello," "I would like to order something else, you see." "Oh, but you see, this is the chef's specialty." "But I am sure, only I don't think she can lift two orders of sauerbraten." "Why don't you look at the menu, Major." "Um..." "Danke schön, Fräulein." "Entschuldigen, bitte... the potatoes you ordered are here." "Ja, out here, please." "( scuffling outside )" "What's going on?" "They must have just ordered." "What do we do now?" "We've got to get him out in the kitchen somehow." "Otto, give me one sauerbraten and a Wiener schnitz..." "You're not Otto." "Who are you?" "We're with the Gestapo." "( gasps )" "Gestapo..." "Shh." "Colonel Klink is under suspicion as a traitor." "Colonel Klink?" "Fräulein, go about your duties in the usual fashion." "Yes." "HOGAN:" "Fräulein?" "Yes?" "Who ordered the Wiener schnitzel?" "The Italian major." "Danke." "LeBeau, did you get that?" "One sauerbraten and one Wiener schnitzel." "Right." "I think this chef could win the war for us." "( laughs )" "They have a marvelous wine list here." "What would you like with your Wiener schnitzel?" "Oh, just a glass of water with a dash of bicarbonate of soda." "How is this going to get Bonacelli into the kitchen, Colonel?" "With this note you're going to slip in his Wiener schnitzel." "Believe me, it will be the tastiest thing on his plate." "Okay, put it up on the counter." "Right." "( conversation inaudible )" "Now the major says he ordered the Schnitzel Holstein." "Tell him we are all out of Holsteins." "But all you have to do is fry an egg on the top." "Tell him we're all out of eggs." "All right." "I'm sorry, Major, the chef says we're out of eggs." "Hmm, that's ridiculous." "I'll have a word with him." "Oh, no, never mind, Colonnello, please." "I am really not that hungry." "But, Major, you are my guest." "I want you to have everything you want." "Well, if that is the case, I will have a pizza." "Oh..." "You know, actually this looks very tasty." "Well, help yourself, Colonnello." "Please, I insist, please." "Oh, thank you." "Mmm..." "Maybe I went wrong with the sauerbraten, huh?" "Let me suggest that, um..." "I should try some, eh?" "Ja, ja." "Where are you going, Major?" "I'm going to compliment the chef." "But you haven't even tasted the Wiener schnitzel." "Yes, of course, all right..." "I will try some." "Mmm, fantastic." "The chef is a genius." "Don't tell him." "The first thing he'll do is raise the prices." "Just because I tell him that I enjoy the food?" "You can never be nice to a German." "Well, then I will say it was just fair, huh?" "You eat and I will come back." "( growls )" "Fix that tire, Dummkopf!" "Jawohl, Herr Major." "( yells )" "I shall always be grateful to you." "You know, I never thought I would get out of here alive." "Then you knew the Gestapo was coming." "No, but did you taste the Wiener schnitzel?" "Mamma mia!" "Uh-oh, talk of the devil." "Come on, let's get out the back way." "There isn't time-- in the locker." "LeBeau, take care of them." "What?" "!" "HOCHSTETTER:" "Where is Bonacelli?" "KLINK:" "Major Hochstetter, won't you join me?" "Where's Bonacelli?" "The Wiener schnitzel is marvelous." "Where is Bonacelli?" "!" "In the kitchen." "The kitchen." "He's not here." "Where's Major Bonacelli?" "He went out the back way." "The back way." "It's safe." "Would you believe a prisoner-of-war commandant ending up in a cooler?" "Don't complain-- it's better than being at the Russian front." "But not as good as Switzerland." "All right, let's go." "Major Bonacelli." "Yes?" "Who's going to pay for the check?" "Colonnello Klink, no?" "Oh, that's impossible-- he went out with the Gestapo;" "he may never come back." "Can we talk about this some other time?" "But then I'll have to pay for it myself." "All right, give it to me, eh?" "I got an idea." "Where's Bonacelli?" "Major, what are you doing?" "I just paid the check." "Well, come on." "Well, I'm waiting for the change." "Ten marks for a lunch like that-- that's ridiculous." "All right, listen, Major." "Tell Klink's driver that the Colonel wants him inside the restaurant immediately." "Driver, Colonnello Klink wants you in the restaurant immediately." "He has just had an attack of sauerbraten." "Mach schnell!" "Mach schnell!" "Halt!" "Halt!" "Corporal Schneider!" "Yes, Major?" "Follow that car!" "But Major..." "Follow that car, Dummkopf!" "Goldilocks calling Papa Bear." "Goldilocks calling Papa Bear." "Come in, Papa Bear." "This is Papa Bear." "Go ahead, Goldilocks." "( clears throat )" "This is Major Bonacelli to Papa Bear." "The photographs are in friendly hands." "I wish to thank you once again for saving my life." "You did a fine job, Major." "Grazie." "Incidentally, I will send you a real Italian dinner-- from antipasto to spumoni-- as soon as I'm released from the hospital." "Were you wounded trying to escape?" "Much worse." "I'm suffering from an acute case of Wiener schnitzel." "And I want you to send a motorized detail to the river and work backwards." "And have Corporal Lallenscheid take a patrol and cover sectors east of the camp." "Oh, and Lieutenant Bergman, find my staff car or your next assignment will be searching for a sled on the eastern front!" "I knew I should not have trusted Major Bonacelli." "Remember, you heard about the Italians from me first." "He's correct, Herr Kommandant." "He warned you." "Dismissed, Schultz." "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant." "Colonel Klink, this just arrived for you." "It's from Major Bonacelli." "Oh, thank you." "It's probably a thank-you note for the sauerbraten." "Ha!" "Look at this, Hogan." "He's not only a traitor, but he's a bad photographer." "Gee, what a shame he didn't get more of you in here, sir." "Sure would have liked one of these for my wallet."