"Toby, this is insane." "You could get seriously hurt." "We've done some crazy stuff, but this is nuttier than squirrel poop." "He'll pull it off." "We have a plan." "I found six "D" batteries." "I'll put 'em in." "Tell him this is too dangerous." "Actually, I kind of want to see how this plays out." "When did you get here?" "I'm Ray." "I'm always here." "It should work now." "It's time." "TOBY:" "Okay." "Someone push the button." "(click)" "♪ ♪" "Whew." "(music shuts off)" "That was getting kind of heavy." "This was a mistake." "Be careful." "All you have to offer society is your mind, so let him work your... body." "CABE:" "All right, let's go, killer." "Here we go!" "Where the hell you think you're going?" "I'm the-the cut man." "I can squirt water in his mouth." "Yes!" "I'm the cut man!" "Not now." "In the blue corner, weighing in at 171 pounds, from Hawaiian Gardens," "Hector Guardino... (audience cheering)" "In the red corner, at 168 pounds, from MIT undergrad and Harvard Medical School-- he's got more degrees than a thermometer, more knockout punches than a..." "Seriously?" "Just read the card, zebra." "More knockout punches than a frat house refreshment table:" "the Doctor of Doom, the Head-Hunting Headshrink, the Therapist with a Hit List," "Dr. Tobias Curtis... (audience jeering)" "(whoops)" "Can't believe Happy didn't make it." "Just focus on the fight." "Once again, what's our plan?" "I profiled my opponent online last night." "I know a ton about him." "I'm gonna get in his head." "That is not the plan!" "Stick and move, that's the plan!" "Stick and move!" "(growls)" "CABE:" "Stick and move!" "(bell clangs)" "Keep your feet under you!" "Keep your feet under you!" "You're the reason your parents got divorced when you were eight." "(grunts)" "Oh, yeah, yeah!" "Uh-oh." "Uh-oh." "Maybe I crossed a line." "Oh!" "Oh!" "(audience cheering)" "One... two..." "All right, get up." "three..." "Get up, Doc!" "four... five... six... seven..." "SYLVESTER:" "Okay..." "Here we go." "That's cold." "It's liquid nitrogen." "It should be cold." "12 hours, still swollen." "I hope you've got that boxing nonsense out of your system." "TOBY:" "One more fight." "Just need Happy to see me in a more manly, less academic light." "You want more manly?" "Lose the hat, already." "And if Happy were interested in you, she would have been there." "(door opens) Sorry." "Sometimes the truth hurts more than a right hook, buddy." "HAPPY:" "Guys?" "SYLVESTER:" "Morning!" "What happened to you?" "I had my first fight yesterday evening." "You missed it." "Right." "Uh, sorry." "I had a prior engagement." "How did it go?" "You should've seen the other guy." "WALTER:" "Oh, yeah, he was standing over Toby with his arms raised in triumph." "Yeah, well, hopefully I'll be there the next time somebody hits you." "See that?" "She was just busy." "First stage of grief: denial." "Grief over what?" "The fact that your attempted romance with Happy is dead." "Okay, no offense, but I'm not about to give weight to the psychiatric musings of a guy who uses a superhero lunch box and someone who still watches Bonanza." "Second stage of grief: anger." "RAY:" "Wally!" "Uno momento s'il vous plait?" "Yeah." "Wow." "Today is your lucky day, brother." "I'm taking you to the beach with me." "Sit in traffic for hours just to lie on dirt next to water?" "Come on!" "The beach is fun." "Girls, waves, horseshoe crabs..." "Hey, hey." "Don't-don't touch that." "Put that down." "Yeah, o-okay." "Sorry." "I just..." "I... saw it there." "It's cool." "It's just..." "Okay." "it's not mine, okay?" "Yeah." "You know, Paige said that you used to be a firefighter." "Is that a bravery award?" "Not for me." "Anyway, why are we talking about the past when the present is so tasty?" "So get your junk in some trunks, all right?" "We are outta here like Vladimir." "Come on." "Oh, no, I can't." "I have, uh, plans." "Oh, that's right." "Paula's kid invited you to the science museum." "I forgot." "It's Paige." "And I couldn't go." "Making too much rocket progress." "Hold on a second." "You could've spent your Saturday hanging out with a beautiful woman, but you picked work." "I have to work." "Have fun sitting in bumper-to-bumper traffic." "Okay, see, joke's on you, my brother, because I am taking the subway straight to Santa Monica." "Subway?" "That's another reason not to go." "Can't believe the school is making us take the children to the museum on a Saturday." "I know." "Lost weekend, right?" "No." "It's just..." "Tyler's almost a pre-Eagle Scout and there's an event today." "Does Ralph do Scouts?" "Um... no." "Oh." "Well, normally we have basketball practice afterwards, but by the time we get back, it'll be halfway over." "Does Ralph play sports?" "Ralph is more of a..." "indoor cat." "RALPH:" "My telescope has a six-inch f8 reflector." "Most are eight inches now, but I prefer the older version." "(sighs)" "Who cares?" "Mom... why do I have to be partners with him?" "MOTHER:" "Your teacher chose the partners." "You get what you get and you don't get upset." "MAN (over P.A.):" "Now approaching Grand Park." "Okay, uh, Ralph, telescope away, our stop's coming up." "That was our stop, Mom." "Yeah, don't worry." "Weekend schedules sometimes get messed up." "We'll just get off on the next stop and, uh, walk." "(screaming)" "Oh, boy." "That's a rocky ride." "Um, Ralph, hold onto something in case we hit another bump." "(screaming)" "WOMAN:" "Oh, my God!" "PAIGE:" "Oh, my God, are you okay?" "Ralph?" "You okay?" "Ralph." "We didn't hit a bump." "The train's going too fast for the track and it's speeding up." "Something's wrong, Mom." "Ah." "Okay, now that I know the doc's peeper's okay," "I'm not wasting my Saturday in this joint." "See you when duty calls." "Okay, Paige, can you ask Ralph how fast you're going?" "Cabe..." "Can you get SoCal D.O.T." "on the phone immediately?" "Okay." "What's going on?" "Paige and Ralph are on the subway, and their train's gaining speed and missing stops." "I'm sure it's just a rectifiable snafu, but..." "Calling 'em now." "PAIGE:" "Uh, Ralph says we're going approximately 75 miles an hour." "Uh, what line are you on?" "The Olympic line." "Uh, it's automated." "No conductors." "(screaming)" "Oh, my God." "Walter, there's something going on here." "People are getting scared." "You hear her voice?" "That's real panic." "Her instincts are screaming-- this isn't just a snafu." "Something is seriously off with that train." "CABE:" "And I'm telling you, get me your supervisor or I'm gonna come down there and kick every square inch of your ass!" "Got SoCal D.O.T. on the line." "Total incompetents." "Yeah, you just keep sweet-talking 'em, Cabe." "You're doing great." "SYLVESTER:" "Oh, boy." "I just hacked the D.O.T. control center, and Paige's train is going 80 miles an hour and gaining." "HAPPY:" "Okay, this just reached DEFCON 1." "Subway cars average 30 miles per hour." "50s is pushing it, 70s is unsafe and if it reaches mid-90s, someone is getting hurt." "MAN:" "Agent Gallo?" "This is James Taggit." "I'm a supervisor at SoCal Department of Transportation." "Mr. Taggit." "Are you aware that you presently have an out-of-control train on your Olympic line?" "The situation red-lighted moments ago." "We're just trying to figure out..." "What the hell?" "WALTER:" "Relax, Mr. Taggit." "That's just me." "I've hacked your system." "I'm giving the command for the train to slow down, but nothing is responding." "Question one:" "who the hell are you?" "And question two:" "how did you get into the D.O.T. server?" "Answer one:" "my name is Walter O'Brien and answer two: your security sucks, it's atrocious." "As for your software, there's a glitch somewhere that is not allowing it to respond to commands." "Uh, Walt, we've got a bigger problem." "Bigger than a runaway train under the streets of Los Angeles?" "HAPPY:" "Yeah, like if that train is 20.5 miles from approaching an unsustainable curve radius." "I don't like the sound of that." "We've got a major cant issue." "CABE:" "Screw that." "There's no "can't" in Scorpion." ""Cant" is the name of the height difference between the outside and inside rails on a track curve." "The tilt creates a down-thrust to counter sideways force." "And at the current speed of Paige's train, the cant can't work." "The train will derail." "I like the sound of that even less." "Paige, I will fix this!" "Sly, stay on with the D.O.T." "See if you can regain control of the system." "Where is the curve in the track?" "It's under the corner of Olympic and Arlington." "Average 80 miles an hour, don't stop at any red lights, and you'll get there in just above 11 minutes." "It's gonna be close." "Let's go!" "Paige, you'll have to get all the passengers to the right side of the train and have them push against the train wall." "Counterbalance is one of the keys to your survival." "One of the keys?" "What's the other?" "How often they empty the grease traps at Chucky Burger." "(tires squeal)" "Go get canisters from the gas station!" "Happy, hose!" "Yeah, okay, okay." "PAIGE:" "Okay, I know it sounds crazy, but we all have to get to the right side of the train." "Let's just pull the emergency cord!" "No." "Sudden braking will make us derail, or so I've been told." "And piling to one side could make things worse." "This train ain't exactly steady." "RALPH:" "It'll work, mister." "You're a construction worker-- you'll understand." "It's like a horizontal counterbalance on the back of a construction crane." "It's the theory of stable equilibrium." "(brakes squeak)" "Okay, everybody, let's get to the right side!" "Let's go!" "Thank you, honey." "What are you doing to my phone?" "No time to get to the other cars, so I had to tap into the P.A. system." "Had to strip the insulation off your earbuds, Ms. Goldberg." "That's okay." "Attention, everybody." "We have an emergency announcement." "They only had two." "Should be enough." "CABE:" "How exactly is putting grease on the tracks gonna slow down the train?" "The grease will lower the coefficient of friction between the train track and the train wheel." "This might be enough to slow the train down to survive the curve." "I don't like the word "might" in that sentence." "Sly, can math ease Toby's mind?" "Only if a 42% chance of survival helps." "Guys, this is really..." "HAPPY:" "Not good." "I can hear the train coming down the track." "WALTER:" "Well, run faster then." "HAPPY:" "You're behind me." "HAPPY:" "Curve's up ahead." "Okay." "Walter, there's no more room over there." "Get over here before you get hit." "Almost done." "O'Brien, move it!" "(passengers scream)" "I can't believe it worked." "I can't believe it worked." "I can't believe it worked." "I can't believe that worked." "HAPPY:" "Paige, I got a good look at the train when it was passing, it's an A-250." "Uh, there should be a hatch in the front cab of the train." "Find it, and I'll talk you through switching operation from automatic to manual, and we can stop that sucker." "It's locked." "After 9/11, trains were required to install electronically locked security doors." "Give me the nine-volt battery from your stud finder." "Stud finder?" "I can't go near those things." "They just go off." "Hold this." "Uh, you want to fill me in here?" "Most electronic doors use a servomotor." "The computer sends an electronic signal to unlock it." "But since that computer isn't working," "I'll send the signal myself." "(click)" "That's why he doesn't have time for Scouts." "PAIGE:" "Okay, I'm in." "Uh, there's a hatch on the floor." "Okay, that's the one." "Open it." "WALTER:" "Okay, look for a yellow switch in a yellow box right near the opening." "There's a yellow box, but there's no switch in it." "Okay, that's impossible, that's how those trains are designed." "Okay, feel inside the box." "Is there, uh, a remnant of a lever or switch?" "Just a bolt, th-there's n-nothing attached to it." "Ugh, someone took out the switch." "PAIGE:" "What does that mean?" "It means the train isn't malfunctioning from a glitch." "Someone sabotaged that train, and whoever did that is controlling it remotely." "Can't I just pull the-the cable from the router, like I do at home?" "HAPPY:" "No, they're kept in locked iron boxes on the underside of the train's frame." "Why the hell are they there?" "So crazy people don't pull the cable from the router." "I'm sorry, but as of now, there's no way for you to stop the train." "What do they mean the train can't be stopped?" "It can't be stopped manually, but some of the smartest people in the world are working on a solution." "Guys, I need a solution now!" "♪ Scorpion 2x07 ♪ Crazy Train Original Air Date on November 2, 2015" "== sync, corrected by elderman == @elder_man" "Sly, any ideas from the D.O.T.?" "I just got off the phone with Deputy Director Cooper at Homeland." "The D.O.T. has been ordered to turn control of the situation over to us." "Homeland must think this is terrorism." "There's no other reason they'd exercise their jurisdiction." "Well, they're wrong." "The subway's a byzantine rats' nest of dead ends, tight corridors, half-finished terminals." "If they were terrorists, they'd have crashed that train a million different ways already." "Not to mention no one's taking credit, no demands, no release of a manifesto." "This doesn't follow the terrorist playbook." "Whoever did this has an ulterior motive to just controlling a train." "Look, all the trains are being called back to their various yards." "CABE:" "Safety maneuver." "Now there's no chance that Paige's train will collide with another one." "Maybe that's the ulterior motive." "Getting the trains back to the yards?" "No, no, no, clearing the tracks." "What if whoever's behind this set the whole thing up just so the D.O.T." "would clear all the subway lines, save for one lone train?" "Why the hell would they do that?" "TOBY:" "I don't know." "But they'd have to have a darn good reason to want to be on those tracks with no risk of getting run over." "Okay, so most of the tunnels are built under, uh, commercial districts or low-rent neighborhoods." "Uh, doesn't really help with a motive." "What if there's something in the tunnels themselves?" "No, I've done some urban exploring down there on my bike." "Nothing in those tunnels except rats and more rats." "SYLVESTER:" "You know, some of the tunnels predate the L.A. airport's construction." "There are terminals built right on top of them." "L.A. airport is one of the most secure in the country." "Okay, our bad guy could use the underground access from the now-clear subway tunnels to get past all the security and go right up into the airport." "Doc, you might be wrong about that no-terrorism theory." "Well, if I am, we better move fast, 'cause those tracks are clear now." "An attack could go down at any minute." "Happy." "Yes, I know, I drive crazy." "Let's go." "Just give me the keys." "(passengers scream)" "Tyler, everything will be all right." "Everything will be okay." "I promise." "MAN:" "You guys need to wrap this up ASAP." "We got 10,000 passengers evac'd in the street." "If they miss their flights for no reason..." "Terrorism's a good reason." "MAN:" "Already told you we've been through every inch of the airport." "No suspicious packages, no traces of explosives." "Nothing." "WOMAN:" "We just checked inside this room 20 minutes ago." "And Customs has had double security outside this door all day-- no one's come in or out." "Open the door; this is the last place we look." "If there's nothing there, I'll take the heat for this mess." "WALTER:" "Oh, great." "So much for nobody going inside or out." "HAPPY:" "Well, they came under." "This isn't terrorism, this is a heist." "What the hell were you guys keeping in this place?" "The Kellion collection, $50 million of British gold coins, being shipped to some Silicon Valley billionaire." "Not anymore." "MAN:" "How'd they get in without anyone hearing?" "HAPPY:" "Hydro-drill with a silencer." "Hammer wrapped in a hand towel." "You wouldn't hear it from all the way out there." "They didn't hear it from all the way out there." "(metal clangs)" "Heard that." "PhD I have, but I go in the hole with the rats and the bugs." "All right." "You know, for the record," "I was right about this not being terrorism." "Since no one's pointing that out, I thought I would." "I was right." "Up there." "Freeze!" "Okay, everyone off the track." "I have an idea." "Can't out-run electricity now that he's wet." "He's conductive as long as he's within a foot of the rail." "Strong pulse-- he's just knocked out." "CABE:" "Found the coins, nothing else." "Yeah, that makes sense-- he steals the gold while some partner somewhere remotely controls the train." "Not for long." "Sylvester, how far away is the train?" "Its current path has it just a few minutes from you, headed towards the Olympic and Westwood stop." "Why?" "'Cause I'm getting on board." "Suicidal genius says what now?" "This guy has nothing on him to help with the train, but if I can hardwire into the train's computer, then I can build a firewall to block off the incoming signal that's controlling it." "Then once it's blocked," "Sylvester can slow down the train gradually." "Happy, you're gonna drive me to Olympic and Westwood." "Hold on, how the hell are you gonna get on a train going 90 miles an hour?" "I presume with great caution." "Better hurry if you want to catch that train." "Really?" "Couldn't help myself." "Ralph, I have to assume these trains weren't designed for these kind of speeds." "Structural integrity is already compromised." "Mechanical failure is certain if the train isn't stopped." "Wonderful." "It'll be okay." "Walter will be here any second." "That's right, stay optimistic." "No, really, he'll be here any second." "Look." "Oh, God." "(grunts)" "I seem to have overshot the emergency window." "It won't open." "Walter, you're coming up on a junction box in 25 seconds." "You need to get inside." "The emergency door, we can pull him in here." "It's not working." "Ugh, mass transit, of course it's broken." "Paige, in 20 seconds, I'm broken." "We need to do something or I die." "I don't know what to do." "You are normally the person in charge of these situations." "Yeah, well, not while I'm hanging off a train." "Ralph, you need to help me out here, buddy." "Is anyone wearing porcelain jewelry?" "Even just the smallest piece can break tempered glass." "Yeah, yeah." "Stand back." "RALPH:" "My telescope." "I'll get you a new one." "Damn, Paige." "Okay, now, Ralph, we need to hard-wire my laptop into the train system so I can build a firewall-blocking wireless access to the router." "We cut off the bad guy's access, we can drive the train." "That's my boy." "HAPPY:" "Hey, you guys might not have enough time to get that firewall down." "You've been burning up track for way too long." "The gearbox can go at any moment." "Cabe, I think our best bet is for you to find whoever's controlling that train." "What do you think I'm trying to do?" "Who's your partner controlling that train?" "(shouts)" "I've stolen hundreds of millions for-for clients from Hong Kong to Dubai." "I talk, they kill me." "I keep quiet, I get 12 years, I do nine." "And when I get out, they reward me-- millions-- for keeping quiet." "So what's in it for me to cooperate?" "What the hell are you doing?" "What you clearly can't." "Stuff this jerk inside." "To what end?" "I'm sending him to sleepaway camp to get the name of his partner." "Can you trust the guy with the genius IQ?" "You're wasting your time." "I'm not claustrophobic, all right?" "I'll just go in there and take a nap!" "Sweet dreams." "Aah!" "Now what?" "Let's take this putz for a ride!" "WALTER:" "Okay, I'm making progress." "Just configured the first network card." "You're not making fast enough progress." "I know, Happy already told me about the gearbox." "No, screw the gearbox!" "You're coming up on a split in the tracks 18 miles ahead." "Right now, the train is going to turn left." "And it's gonna send you head first into an unfinished subway platform." "But if it goes right, you'll land on a straight stretch of track for several miles." "Then send us right!" "I can't." "When the D.O.T. recalled the rest of the trains back to the yard, they locked all the switches." "The D.O.T. is going to take 20 minutes to unlock the switch system!" "Can the switch be controlled manually?" "Uh, let me check." "Yes, but you need to hit the lever on the switch itself." "Okay, Walter, keep on that firewall." "I'll handle this." "Give me a comm!" "Uh, okay." "We need anything of length!" "Sir, I need your cane." "Sarah, start tearing your scarf into strips." "I need it to tie this stuff together." "We've been doing this forever." "This is stupid." "There is three primal fears everyone shares." "Extinction-- ceasing to exist." "Mutilation-- having one's body boundaries infiltrated." "And loss of autonomy-- feeling entrapped or paralyzed." "Being buried alive covers all three." "That should be enough." "(engine shuts off)" "Hey, Cabe?" "You got a hat?" "It's boiling out here." "SUSPECT:" "Are those shovels?" "What the hell you guys doing?" "!" "You're in Angeles National Forest, dingus." "To be more accurate, you're in a trench in Angeles National Forest." "I would start holding my breath if I were you." "You kidding me?" "!" "You're cops!" "You can't bury me alive!" "CABE:" "You take my friends' lives, we take yours-- they die, you die!" "TOBY:" "Soil here is ripe with centipedes." "The good news is, you'll be mostly dead when they get in your intestines." "All right, all right!" "My partner's name is Aldo!" "He's controlling the train out of a warehouse!" "4343 Cooke Street!" "Now get me the hell out of here!" "Let's go." "Hey!" "What is that?" "Uh, magic wand-- it's gonna let me change the track switch lever without ever leaving the train." "Well, I'll-I'll do it." "No, you need to build a firewall." "Efficiency dictates that one of us each try to solve this problem to double our chances of success." "And since I can't code," "I get to hang outside of the speeding train." "I don't like this." "What?" "Me taking a risk or me using logic against you?" "Both." "(passengers screaming)" "SYLVESTER:" "Okay, Paige?" "Think of it like a giant light switch." "Got it!" "You're gonna hit the lever, change tracks, buying enough time for Walter to get control of the train digitally." "Right." "And if you miss, you go left, right into the concrete platform." "Sylvester, I know the situation!" "I'm sorry, I'm nervous!" "HAPPY:" "Walter, I do not like the sound of this!" "At 92 miles per hour, she is never gonna be able to hold onto that lance." "I can do it!" "It's just like when I take Ralph to Medieval Times." "You need a backup plan!" "(tires screech)" "Don't move!" "You better hope you can reach for that before I shoot." "(shouts)" "I think that's my buddy's seat." "Nice, subtle." "All right, Walter, we found the remote user." "I'm at his computer now." "Then slow us down!" "It's not that easy." "He had locked-in operational protocol." "If I want to stop the train, I have to shut it down and reboot first." "Not enough time!" "Paige, we're 30 seconds away from that switch!" "You got to hit that lever!" "Yeah, I can see the switch!" "I'll be able to hit it!" "We'll be okay!" "Oh, my God, I dropped it!" "Walter, we're gonna crash!" "Aah!" "What are we gonna do?" "I don..." "I don't have an answer." "What the heck is that?" "!" "(panting)" "I think that's our backup plan." "Okay." "That was amazing, Happy!" "I told you you weren't gonna be able to hold onto that pole." "It's done-- I shut down the remote protocol." "(beeping)" "Walter, you should have manual control now." "(beeping)" "Happy, I can drive this thing now-- any advice?" "Apply the brakes gradually." "Any more than a nine percent depression rate, and you will jackknife at that speed." "Use a light hand and you'll coast right into the downtown station." "Copy that." "Here goes." "(brakes screeching)" "(beeping)" "Walter, what the hell is happening?" "!" "Happy, we're overheating!" "That's impossible." "Okay, unless some of the Chucky Burger grease leaked into the brake pads." "Okay, lard has a flash-burn point of 301 degrees." "The friction is heating things up." "We've lost the brakes and we're still going 88!" "Walter, in six miles you're going to reach the entrance tunnel to the station!" "This train is a wide-body-- swaying at this speed, it'll hit the sides of the tunnel and derail!" "Maybe not!" "I have an idea." "Cops will be by for you shortly." "Doc?" "We got to get to the train station." "I am already on my way." "O'Brien, what exactly is your idea?" "Guys, everybody, listen to me!" "You have to get onto the next car!" "Okay?" "It's for your safety!" "Come on, faster!" "Faster!" "Empty the car!" "PAIGE:" "Now what?" "Okay, now that we've got control of the train, we can decouple the cars." "The front car will crash, but the rear cars will slow to a stop." "Okay, that's part of a two-step process." "Now, you guys get onto the next car." "Ralph, there's an operating panel near the door." "There's a decoupling lever-- you flip it, it sends a signal." "I accept the signal and then I have ten seconds to get onto your side before both cars separate." "Okay, we have more than enough time, but you have to hurry." "Okay, be careful." "I will." "Mommy, there's no decoupling lever in here." "Walter, no!" "Someone needs to stay on here to disengage the cars." "It's how the train was designed." "Walter, don't do this!" "I'm sorry." "Walter, no!" "SYLVESTER:" "Walter, once you remove the weight of those back cars, your car will gain speed and it will ping around that narrow tunnel like a pinball!" "It is guaranteed death!" "And guaranteed life for Paige and Ralph." "Walter!" "Walter, don't do this." "SYLVESTER:" "Walter, you have exactly 19 seconds until you reach that tunnel!" "You need to do something!" "19 seconds-- he's not gonna make it!" "The brake cord!" "No, you know what happens when you pull that thing!" "I'm not gonna pull it!" "I'm gonna use it to get out of here." "Six seconds!" "Five, four, three, two, one!" "Okay, here it comes!" "I can't see anything." "There's nothing but twisted metal and smoke." "WALTER:" "Little help!" "Oh, thank God!" "TOBY:" "Walter, what are you doing?" "You just hanging around?" "That joke never gets old." "Oh, very funny." "Some assistance?" "Yeah, I got you, kid." "Let go!" "I guess your plans to work on the rocket today were derailed." "(laughs)" "Seriously?" "PAIGE:" "Walter?" "Oh, Paige, you know, next time maybe you..." "Don't ever do something like that to me again!" "Come on." "Great, she hits harder than me." "I would give anything for Happy to care enough to slap me." "Bargaining." "Third stage of grief." "It's just so disheartening." "And there's depression." "I've counted the gold coins." "One of them's missing." "Oh, I'm not a thief." "I just wanted to play Proton Arnold with a $2 million quarter." "I'll go get it." "Ooh." "Yo!" "So?" "Polly knock some sense into you?" "It's Paige, and I made a calculated decision to save passengers." "Whoa, see, I'm not talking about the train." "I'm talking about you ignoring your feelings for her." "I did have feelings, but now they're under control." "Anyway, shouldn't you be back in the camper?" "Denial ain't just a river in Turkey, my friend." "(scoffs)" "If you really believed they were controlled, you wouldn't feel the need to distance yourself from her." "Right?" "Like saying you need to work, instead of going to the museum with her and the-the kid, you know, with the Beatles haircut..." "His name's Ralph." "Sounds right." "Anyway, look, as your best friend," "I can tell you, putting distance between you and people you care about?" "That doesn't end well." "Is this from experience?" "This have something to do with the medal I saw this morning?" "You said it wasn't yours." "Ray?" "You say we're best friends." "Whose is it?" "Danny Tuggle." "We joined the department together." "Same house, same engine company." "I-I didn't really have a family, so he and his wife-- they kind of, they adopted me." "You know, I ate with them three times a week." "I was, I was godfather to his son." "Ten years ago, there was a five-alarm." "Downtown." "Gas line blew." "Smoke everywhere, and I got a," "I got a lungful... before I got my mask on." "And-and-and, you know, Danny, he was, he was, he was down." "He was on the ground." "And I-I tried to... get his regulator on his mouth." "(voice breaks):" "But I was getting dizzy." "Wake up in the hospital." "And Danny never wakes up." "It was my fault." "It was my fault." "I should've got the regulator on his mouth." "That's unfortunate." "Was supposed to... present the medal to his wife at the funeral." "But..." "I couldn't face her, her son, so I just... never saw them again." "I distanced myself from people I loved." "I was wrong." "And you're making the same mistake." "Don't let the distance get so far you can never re-couple the train." "Okay?" "HAPPY:" "Cool, Chet, I will see you at Dorsey's in a half-hour." "(phone beeps)" "See you jokers tomorrow." "Good night, kid." "I'm gonna go to that club." "That's not a good idea, Doc." "You really need another black eye?" "I'm not looking for trouble." "I-I just need to see Happy... happy with Chet." "And then I'm at the fifth stage of grief." "Acceptance." "And then I can move on." "(door opens)" "(door closes)" "Hey." "How is he?" "He's out cold." "Uh, but he did great today." "I didn't think he could impress me any more than he has." "And, uh, not only me." "Tyler Goldberg texted." "He wants a playdate with Ralph." "Why wouldn't he?" "He's a great kid." "Look, about before-- I shouldn't have hit you." "I-I know you didn't mean it, so..." "No, I meant it." "Walter, you're always thinking about the greater good and how everybody else needs saving, but I need you to be selfish for once and think about yourself." "I'm confused." "Look at that boy over there." "Think about how important you are to him." "Think about the team, your friends." "How important you are to them." "Think about..." "Think about... how important you are to me." "Walter, I hit you because you scared me." "I was scared I was gonna lose you today." "I saw you disappearing into the-the blackness, and it frightened me." "CABE:" "Walter?" "I need you to come with me down to this club." "Toby's following Happy down there, and I'm worried things might get dicey with this Chet guy." "Doc'll listen to you." "You should go." "Okay." "(laughter, chatter)" "Holy crow, it's a comedy club." "There's Chet." "So, I have a six-year-old daughter." "Please, don't clap." "She looks like me." "So, it's gonna be a tough prom season for a girl that looks like Freddie Mercury." "I don't know how she's gonna do it." "Thank you for laughing at my child's pain." "That's very nice of you." "Anyway, we're gonna keep open mic night going, uh, with someone who's brand-new to the comedy scene." "Someone that I've trained personally." "But if she bombs," "I've never seen her before in my life." "Happy Quinn, ladies and gentlemen!" "Did I fall on my head?" "Am I having a seizure?" "No, this is actually happening." "Knock, knock." "Knock, knock!" "MAN:" "Who's there?" "Matthew." "MAN 2:" "Matthew who?" ""Math-you" could never do unless you had an IQ of 184." "(laughing)" "What?" "Ammonia and sodium hypochlorite hook up at a bar." "Everyone inside dies." "(laughing):" "It's funny because it's true!" "HAPPY:" "I've been reading this great book on antigravity." "I can't put it down." "I have this new theory on inertia, but it's not gaining any momentum." "(laughing):" "She said..." "Thank you." "Thank you!" "(Sylvester laughing) (crowd murmuring)" "(whoops)" "That was factual." "No, that was awesome." "'Cause Chet isn't her boyfriend." "He's her comedy coach." "A terrible one at that." "You know, all this time," "Happy and I were doing the same thing." "We were each subconsciously replacing the risk our relationship represented." "I got into a ring, where I had no business being." "And Happy, the world's unfunniest person, tried to make strangers laugh." "We were replacing what we lost when we lost each other." "That excitement of risk." "This means that deep inside of her there is a seedling of regret." "So you're gonna keep going after her?" "No." "I'm gonna let that seedling grow on its own." "If it's meant to become a mighty love oak, it will." "I feel a lot better than I did when I walked in here." "You know what?" "Me, too." "Because Happy is hilarious." "I mean, where did that come from?" "Hey, I, uh, I think I walked in on a moment between you and Paige in the garage, and, uh, sorry about that." "It was just a conversation." "I've been in a conversation, and that looked more like a moment." "In physics, the term "moment" is a combination of the physical quantity and distance." "The truth is..." "I don't anticipate that much distance between me and Paige moving forward." "A friend told me distance wasn't a good idea, and I agree." "CHET:" "Hey, guys!" "Stick around for the second show?" "We've seen enough train wrecks in one day." "Now, that's funny." "== sync, corrected by elderman == @elder_man"