"I'm the best, so do not test, the top of my profession." "The master of my chosen field, of that there is no question." "Serious." "Serious, profession." "Serious." "Serious, profession." "Mis en place for a patê de foie gras." "Yes, chef." "Everton!" "I took one look at your section, as I came in and all your past life flashed before my eyes." "Please remove the magets, the rat carcasses and the corpses of shocked inspectors and then make the place fixed for the preparation of sothing food!" "yes chef.." "Yes Chef!" "Lucinda." "Chef." "Tell me about this." "It is fairly ordinary Côte du Rhone, don't think mighty of the bouquet." "It doesn't have a bouquet, it has a smell." "Bouquet has flowery and fruity senses, promises, delights to come." "This smells like the interior of a Y regd Datsun mini cab." "It doesn't promis, it treatens." "By what curious mischange have we come by this?" "Derrick, the sommelier." "Oh, that curious mischance." "Ask him to be so good, would you." "Several weeks ago, I asked for a mis en place for a pâte de foie gras." "Presumably, it hasn't arrived, because no one in this kitchen know what a mis en place is." "It is an assemblage of all the required ingredients prepared and weighed." "Please, don't think I mind giving bog standard, bone basic, pre nursery school cooking lessons." "I have only got to prepare, ninety three course meals in the next one and a half hours." "I was hoping something else was to come up to fil in the time." "Aahhhh!" "Everton!" "Chef." "What's this?" "What Chef?" "What is this?" "The pass." "The pass, what is it's function?" "It's where the waiters come." "The what?" "The morons." "It's where the morons come to collect the food when whe have finished it all sort.." "It is where we assemble all our dishes, the end product of all our labours, winds up here, shimmering at the peak of perfection." "Yes chef." "It is why I don't want it looking like a decaying landfill site." "So hire a JCB and start moving all the hat tears of decomposing refuse from it." "Yes chef." "Anyone seen the film "Alien"?" "Yes chef!" "This kitchen is like the place where they found the egg." "Ah, Derrick, let me explain the order of things for you." "Yes chef." "There is the aristocracy." "The upper-class, middle-class, working class, dumb animals, waiters, creeping things, head lice, people who eat package soup, and then... you." "have you any idea what this is wanted to be?" "No chef." "Daube a la Vignonaise made with the finest organicary Brackenshire lamb and a couple of our assort choice Cote du Rhône." "It can't be made with one and a half liters of dental cleaner." "Derrick, you are the resident wine expert, excuse me while I die laughing." "I'm after a Cote du Rhône 1983 Village, and I had to be fobbed off with none ever." "Well, I'm sorry chef I thought it would be a bit to expensiv..." "Go Derrick, go now." "While the greater part of your lifeblood is still confined within your cardiovascular system." "Derrick!" "Don't do that Nola!" "Chef.." "Don't say chef like that, all innocent." "Your the major of bloody d, for god sake and licking food of a plate," "Give me strength!" "I did not, I knicked it from the palm." "My favourite is this marinade is." "The manager wants to see you." "Right away." "God, it's good this..." "I'm in the middle of lunch." "Oh, is that ehm.." "Fricassée of Foux Samblers" "Yesterday's that was you favourite." "Know that I tell a lie, that was monday." "Yesterday your favourite was, crabs stewed tagliatelli." "No, you can't have any." "He said that it was important, that he saw you right away." "Lucinda." "Yes chef." "I have adorned myself with the coronory condom." "Be back at eehh.. two minutes." "Ah, excuse me, can I have some salt please." "Nothing else you wanted, was there?" "What?" "A splash of Leon Perrins," "A doll of updaddies to stir into the artichoke and holan date coup." "Now look, all I want is.." "It really is no trouble, we can send someone into town." "I can get you anything you like, to enhance the flavour of your food." "Salad cream, Newman's ale," "Brandston Pickle, a little tabasco perhaps." "barbecue sauce, a spoonfull of sandwich spread, maybe." "A nice package of cheese and onion flavoured crisps." "We can always get you a prawn vindaloo, or a family pack of chicken drumsticks, or menu beef with for two persons, with special fried rice and extra sweet and sour porc balls, if you like." "I mean we don't mind to open the trouble to please the customers here" "Really?" "Salt!" "I'm going back to my kitchen now although God knows, why." "I mean, do you have any idea about how many highly split man hours over a three day period, have got in to produce this dish?" "Which is brought to your table at the zenith of it's powers." "Its taste, flavour, textures, temperature, at the peak of perfection." "And without tasting it, you call for salt!" "Your salt sir." "I hate you with a passion you can only dream of." "Bon appetit." "Yes, right.." "I do apologize, for chefs behaviour." "Well..." "You must try and look upon him more as an artist, and as a rude, arrogant, insufferable, everwearing mad maniac." "I only asked for the salt." "I know." "It's outragious" "I know." "He is one of the rudest men I've ever met." "Voilá, you mean, you know others?" "Well..." "Please." "Accept my apology, on his behalf." "This is quite nice, this dish." "Yes, very likely..." "You could only, could I suggest you..." "Why don't you try the tiniest bit before." "Eh..." "It is on the salty side, this dish." "Is it?" "Just a titch." "Mmhhh..." "Not bad, is it?" "Aahhh..." "No, I... it's delicious." "I must say it is quiete... hm.." "It's my favourite, actually." "Enjoy your meal." "Excuse me?" "Yes." "Got any mustard?" "Salt!" "I mean why does it come here, Why does it do this.." "Salt!" "I mean she'd job her nickers for a prawn cocktail and stage and a black boys getto." "They both be much happier and he save himself two hunderd quid." "Salt!" "Kitchen, chef." "Well I had an upsetting experience beyond the pass, and I thought I'd come back to my kitchen and lick my wounds." "I'm sorry I don't understand what you are saying." "Are, we do we do dinner for instance." "Well I'm just not clear what being a mischievership means, that's all." "Now, I had time to think about this." "Yes?" "Where it has come as a shock to you." "Much about the savour." "That's right." "This is what you've been thinking about." "Yes, you see..." "I don't know there's something on your mind." "Well.." "I mean I knew it wasn't me.." "Janice." "Oh, at least you remember my name, small mercy." "Shut up, Janice." "Oh, I see a philosofical discussion." "Will you please be quiet, just for a moment." "Why?" "You tell me we're going to buy Le Chateau Anglais?" "Yes." "You've been thinking about it." "Whaa, I've had a lot of time to myself, lately." "Mainly at night." "You know... in bed... what's a girl to do?" "Have you come to any conclusions?" "Well, I could put an ad in the personal columns, I suppose, neglectid wife seeks, no strings attached, extramarital," "About Le Chateau!" "We should buy it." "It is losing money at the moment." "That's because the chef is to extravagant." "I am not extravagant!" "Don't be rediculous Gareth, you're hopeless." "You waste thousands and the place is ludricously overmanned." "If I am going to manage le chateau, we got to sort that out right away." "Yes, I thought that you'd be the manager." "Aah, I was always going to manage, when we got our own place" "That's right, yes that's right, fine, of course." "So what's the next step?" "Seeing the bankmanager." "Yes, heh... yes.. eeh." "Obviously, yes, right, is logical." "Well, I'm..." "I am very glad, that you..." "you agree, with my plan." "Well they were bound to lend to me, I'm the man, no-one cooks like me," "I know everything about food." "How much does it cost to make a foie gras pâte?" "Ooh, well that's an expensive item, you know foie gras cost a bum and we put truffles in, you know." "I do know, how much does it cost?" "A lot." "You know." "I mean really..." "I mean, a lot." "How much?" "Do you know, how much truffles cost?" "No, that's why I'm asking you." "I know where this is leading." "You think, that I'm stupid about money." "Yes, that's right Gareth, you are stupid about money." "Let there quiete quickly we, didn't it?" "You are the finest cook in the world no question." "Moneywise you are a catastrophy, you have no idea what things cost." "Is that so?" "It is so Gareth, yes." "That pâte cost eighty seven pounds fifty eight pence smarty drawer's" "How does that break down?" "Fourty quied the foie gras, thirty the truffle," "Seventy the sundry overless expensive ingredients, including the cognac, and fifty eight pence on the stuck of the swank, because you got up my pipe about me being no good about money, okay?" "So, that a hundred and fifty six, sixty, saying, hundred and sixty." "How did you make that out?" "Adding an eighty percent for the standing costs." "Electricity, rates, gas, telephone, insurance, laundry, wear and tear, preciation, waiting staff cost, then taxes, sundries, accountancy, contingency" "How many slices do you get of this pâte?" "Well, slices I mean, you are making them a plate full." "You know, I cou.." "You bear things in mind." "You.." "You can't be hard and fast." "You know, I mean." "You cut it, you know, there's, there is a variation of, of things where you," "Now look, before we are going to do this together there's one thing that has to made perfectly clear, right from the start okay?" "What's that?" "I'm stupid about money." "Okay, well I guess this is Crispens day." "We've lost all the commis and the porter," "We're down to existing stocks of food and what I buy today myself." "So, the people in this kitchen now are it." "Piers and Everton, who include keeping the kitchen clean as part of their duty, will now concentrate solely on the preparation of food." "So, no-one will notice any difference there." "The morons, will survive on tips alone, "little babies"" "And it occured to me, that because you are working for nothing, you might think, I might be inclined, to treat you with greater consideration, restraint, understanding, and then I realise, well even in this kitchen no-one can be that stupid." "We're open as usual." "Am I making myself clear?" "Yes chef!" "Let us cook some lunch." "Daaah, don't just cut it!" "Chef?" "Mark it out, mark it out in slices." "Chef?" "Find out how many slices you can get out of it first." "Chef?" "If you wine chef questionmark at me once more," "I'll mark you out and slice you up." "Yes Pie I'm the chef and I will not tolarate waste, you know this about me." "Che.... eehm.." "What is this?" "Pâte de foie gras with truffles and peppercorn chef." "It may not have occured to you Piers, but this is a remarkebly expensive chunk of high grade comestible." "I mean, do you know what foie gras cost?" "How much truffles are, the expense of man hours, the breciation, gas, light, electricity, insurance, rate, water, wear and tear laundry." "Have you got any idea of the price of this lump of reconstituted goose liver?" "Uhm..." "One hundred and sixty pounds." "We sell it at..." "Twelve pounds fifty a slice." "How many slices must we make of it?" "Ehm...." "It's a shame you took up cooking, really." "Your such a lost to the mathematical fraternity." "I mean divide the 160 by the 12,50 so that's... about oohh.." "ehmm..." "It's ehh.. 12,50 into 1" "Well I am a chef, I don't do things." "Well so I say thirteen." "No!" "That's just our mony back we have to make much more than that." "Taxes, profit, mony for the future, everything," "It's at least fifty percent more, so that's ehm..." "Twenty one slices." "Exactly yes twenty one slices, be on the safe side, make it twenty two." "This is the graphic illustration of restaurant economics right here." "Up to here is cost." "And this is where we start to make money." "It is like a litlle pie chart." "Pâte chart." "Peter Snow would love that." "Yes, chef." "There is contingency in that." "No, there isn't, chef." "If I sift everey bit if it I'd still gard." "Ah Derrick, you have remained humongous, thrown me your lot with the band of brothers" "Yes, chef." "Chef." "What?" "You wanted, whowowowo..." "Wine, Derrick." "Wine." "It's a trace on the awkward side if a sommelier can't pronounce the word wine." "Yes, chef." "See, the man.." "The receiver." "Yes chef." "He is taken most of our wine." "I mean there's just enough for the winelist." "A bottle of each." "Or Else, I can only offer my the worm drench you offered my last time." "No, chef." "As long to my dental cleaner as well." "Yes chef, Aiiii." "Are you need to tears Derrick?" "No?" "Weehhlll.." "Can you imagine, as I stand here at this moment in my ludricously understaffed kitchen, with hardly any food, and a full restaurant to supply, any liquid I could requiere less, than your lacrimel secretions," "there is one fluid I do want, Derrick, can you guess what it is." "Two bottles of '83 Cote du Rhône Villages." "Exactly." "What are you plumming about, you genormous pillock, you got them." "We've really got to work on the verbal communication, Derrick" "I haven't enough time to give us a clue." "I stole them!" "But you are a moron Derrick." "Yes." "You don't even work in the kitchen." "No." "You are a thing from beyond the past." "Yes." "Yet, you're more afraid of me then you are of the receiver?" "Yes." "Hu hu, you are a prince among men, Derrick." "A man without equal." "I have always said this about you." "You have done well." "Now, piss off and let me do some cooking." "If that was lunch, we've done it." "Thank you everyone, let's clean the kitchen." "Yes chef!" "These are stocks aren't they?" "Yes." "Were you make the sauces with." "Yes." "What's this one?" "Water." "How do you know?" "Water?" "That's the one you wash your lady in before putting it in one of the stocks." "Get's a bit mucky otherwise." "Why?" "This one here?" "Yes?" "All right." "You didn't." "I'm afraid I did." "I made four solace soups and a kidney sauce with it." "I've got to watch that." "Lucinda!" "Yes, chef." "I'll cook this lunch." "You care to ask the morons if they like to join us?" "Yes, chef." "Nothing for me, thanks." "What?" "Oh I had a few goes of the meat loaf, when we were doing lunch." "Dead, tasty." "All I wanted in live is a nice place to live, good sex and an E-type." "Now I don't got any of them." "You have one of them, Janice." "I don't call that poky little flat at Le Chateau a nice place to live." "And that's all we have." "Gareth." "What?" "When we meet this bank manager, you won't throw in one of your antibank wobbelies now, will you you know what you're like." "What do you mean, like." "Of course I won't don't be daft." "Perhaps you had rather, that I didn't come." "Well, yes." "I think he want to meet the chef." "Your know what I mean, you are so rude." "Janice.." "He is kicking the tyres." "We're selling our car." "Yes." "And our house." "Yes, I know." "I'm gonna be brave in a minute." "I know, Janice." "But just right now, I'm gonna break down completely, okay?" "Yes." "I don't mean a dignified tear, or a trembling lip, No." "I'm talking wet, snotting, falling" "I love that car." "I know." "Do you remember Cornwall?" "Of course I do." "You were making so much money." "And you bought me that car." "Oh, I loved your money so much." "Yeah." "And we drove all the way down to that beach in Pensance." "And we just sat in the E-type and watch the sun, sink into the sea." "Oh, Janice." "And I thought..." "I thought...." "I'm married to this, wonderfull, wonderfull man, and I've got this wonderfull, wonderfull car, and any minute know he's gonna spread me over these wonderfull, wonderfull seats and roger me such." "And you went to sleep." "Remember that?" "It had been a long journey, Janice." "I was driving!" "I navigated." "We've never done it in that car, never." "It has seen even less action then our bedroom and now it's going." "Leaving us unchristened." "and I have to spend all eternity in limbo." "It's just metal, Janice." "It's a thing, you know, and one day, we'll get another one" "Don't try to comfort me." "I want to cry about the ragged car." "Do you?" "Yes!" "Because it stops me thinking about losing the house." "It is nice, our house." "It is the nicest house in the whole world" "I'm okay now." "Good." "I'll have two or three more goes like this and then I'll be fine." "Yes." "I'll just be al.. bitter and twisted inside for the rest of my life but you won't even have an inkling of how much pain I'm suffering." "Oh, well that's good then." "There is one thing, bothering me." "What?" "If this guy buys the car, how are we gonna get to the bank?" "So you'll be selling up everything?" "House, car I see..." "Yes." "yes." "Oh, that's your house." "Lindenham Cottage." "Yes." "Oh, that's lovely." "I know it well." "Ehm.." "It's mus be wonderfull, living there." "Oh, so that's your E-type." "Yes." "I've seen it in the drive." "Must be an awfull wrench for you." "No, no." "No, no." "It's something to live." "It's something to get you from A to B" "We don't..." "We don't get attached." "No way do we." "It's a wrench, yes." "I can't see you for tears." "I mean, I'm not going to cry, because I'm a big boy you know, but if I wasn't or if a was I new man, we could be talking wet snotty boy." "But it's worth it, to you?" "Well, we always said," "I mean, our masterplan for life was to get our own restaurant and," "I was going to manage it." "Only, not for a year or two." "And now, this has come up." "Yes." "It would had been cheaper, to have just given customers money and halved up." "The manager was an idiot." "But the.. chef, was responsible for all this, kitchen expenditure." "And that's you." "Ehh..." "Yes, it does seem like there was a lot of extravagants but there is a very good reason for that." "Is there?" "Yes." "I'm stupid about money." "But my wife is a whizz at it." "Really?" "I have studied restaurant economics, and my husband does know everything else there is to know about the businnes" "Hmm..." "Well now..." "If the bank were to consider, making an offer." "Come on don't give us all this crap!" "I beg your pardon?" "Gareth!" "Well you got to lend us the money." "I mean, who are you going to lend if not us, huh, what do you wan't to do, starve?" "Gareth!" "You need us you know," "We're the ones taking the risk and doing the work and giving you huge amounts of security, and there you are lolling about to me and letting it all tilt and swivel daring to consider, letting us giving you an absolute fortune" "in interest payments." "Get you out of my tits." "My husband has a bit of a thing about banks take no notice" "To right, I do!" "Throwing people out of their homes, bleeding the third world to death, supporting South Africa, losing trillions and billions of pounds on office buildings no-one wants and then considering, whether you are going to accept collosal amounts" "of my money for doing sweet F. A." "Shut up, Gareth!" "I mean we do the real work, us, out there, in the field" "No mind sitting there with your indexed little pensions and your subsidised morgages, and payed holidays." "Never mind sponsering tireman of Athens and the barbar.. sponsors of radio three." "We're the ones on the cold base paying for it mate, and don't you forget it." "Gareth, if you don't shut up I'll get a divorce." "I won't have this, you promised me that you would't do all this." "It really gets up my pipe, bankers are just like the salestraders double glazers and the stone cladders, and the time sharers, it's all this were doing you a thumping great favour" "I can't be doing good." "I mean, you know, nothing personal." "No....." "Okay, bottom line here, we're a safe bet, okay?" "Technal is red." "Because if we turn out not to be who wants you even does it anyway." "So eh.. what do we do next?" "Well..." "I mean, I okay, I got to be carried away there, you know." "I meant it." "I could just have expressed it better." "Yes, well.." "I mean, have you ever sat through a performance of timing about this?" "If you really get my in that tight." "You wanna me doing you want a good time." "Of course." "Finding the theatre that barbican place takes a week by itself." "Gareth, off!" "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." "You go on at considering it." "It really is incredibly expensive isn't it." "Well it's incredibly good." "Oh, I'm sure it is." "I'd love to be able to eat at a place like that." "Well?" "I think we're on course." "Great." "I do wish you well." "Thank you very much." "Aahhh, hmmm." "Look at that." "Absolutely my favourite, lobster souflée." "Good." "Ehm.." "Could I have some salt please?" "No!" "No.. no, no...." "I'll get it."