"Oh, great." "You're all here." "I was just thinking that myself." "I have some exciting news." "Your blue ox came home?" "That's funny." "I was gonna say, "Dr. Frankenstein built a bride?"" "What's going on, Robert?" "Okay" "I just got a call from the fbi." " The fbi?" " Oh my gosh!" "My captain has connections there," "And he recommended me" "Today, Special Agent Thomas Garfield called to set up a job interview." "Oh, Robert, that is fantastic!" "Yeah, I know, I can't believe it." "We have a meeting tomorrow morning." "This is gonna be great-- I'm gonna get a good shave," "I'm gonna put on my lucky suit, and Ma, what do you say," "I'll come over early and you'll make me breakfast?" "I'm thinking funny-shaped pancakes." "Of course, dear." "I'm just surprised about all this." "I thought you were gonna do your 20 years and then retire." "Yeah, I know, but Ma, this is the fbi!" "I mean, this is like a whole new phase in my life." "You know, "Robert Barone, Part Two."" ""This time he's fatter!"" "Good pancakes." "Yeah." "Juice?" "What?" "You gonna have some juice?" " Oh." "No." " 'Cause I was just thinking you might want some before your big fbi interview." "No, actually I'm feeling pretty good." "Get me some juice." "Here you go." "Oh." "Great, Ma." "Thanks for ironing that for me." "Okay." "Put that on." "And put this trench coat on over it." "Nah, don't need it." "Just my lucky suit." "Yes, but I think you should wear this coat because it makes you look very FBl-ish." "All right." "No, put it on now." "So you'll get used to it." "Could I finish my breakfast first?" "Sure." "Sure." "How about my juice?" "All right." "Hey-- what happened to the back of your jacket?" "!" " Frank." " What?" "You got a big burn mark on the back of your jacket." "What?" "!" "Oh my God!" "Ma, what happened?" "!" "I think that was already there." "Ma!" "I had the television on and a commercial for some sports program came on, and it said that Raymond was gonna be on it." "Oh my God!" "But he never told me." "And I started to wonder why I have to hear about it on TV instead of him telling me." " So you burned my lucky suit?" "!" " I was distracted." "Did he tell you anything about being on a sports program?" "Who cares?" "!" "Don't yell at me." "The person we should be upset with is Raymond." "This was my lucky suit." "Well, I think you're down to lucky pants." "What happened, Ma?" "!" "Huh?" "You ruined my lucky suit the most important day of my life." "How many times do I have to apologize?" "What am I gonna do?" "Well, you're gonna go and change." "You don't need a lucky suit." "You're a wonderful boy." "And you're a wonderful ironer." "That's enough, Frank." "Now I gotta go through my interview in an unlucky suit." "Just because you're not wearing your lucky suit doesn't mean that whatever you do wear" " will be unlucky." " Look at my life." "All my other clothes are unlucky." "I feel terrible." "Aw..." "It'll be all right." "Listen, get me some juice." "Stupid suit." "I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!" " Good morning." " Oh, good morning." " Special Agent Garfield." " Lieutenant Robert Barone." "Were you just saying something?" "No." "Just sitting here." "Quietly." "You didn't say, "l hate you, I hate you"?" "Oh." "No." "Why don't we get started?" "All right." "So what's that, my permanent record?" "Yes." "Let's see... 19 years NYPD, no disciplinary actions," "1 1 commendations." "Very nice." "Yes, the commendations are nice." "But really, the job is its own reward." "That's the kind of attitude we look for around here." "It's about teamwork-- being part of a team." " Your water." " Thank you so much." "And this fax came for you, sir." "So, as I was saying" "Is this a joke?" "Excuse me?" ""Dear fbi Agent Garfield." ""I'm writing to ask for your understanding." ""You have an interview this morning with my son," "Robert Barone." "I think you will find Robert to be an exceptional candidate for the job." "He is hard-working, brave, and handsome." "But I feel I have hurt his chances somewhat." "You see, he has a lucky suit." "And while I was ironing this morning," "I ruined it." "He was very upset, so he might be a little distracted." "Please don't hold this against him." "If anything, blame me." "I don't mind, I'm used to it." "Of course, it's also my other son Raymond Barone's fault." "He's a famous sportswriter." "Perhaps you've heard of him." "But mostly, I'm to blame." "I only wanted Robert to look his best." "Thank you for understanding." "Sincerely, Marie Barone."" " "P.S." " Oh, God." "Please ask Robert to forgive me." "I tried, but it'll mean more coming from you."" "Please forgive your mother." "Mom, I didn't purposely not tell you" "I was gonna be on TV, I just forgot." "Then maybe I'll just forget to watch." "Fine, don't watch." "Fine, I won't." "What time is it on?" "So I'll know when not to watch." "What?" "What?" "Oh!" "Robert, you scared me." "How did your interview go?" "Come here." "Let me tell you about it." "Didn't it go well?" "Oh, it was going okay, and then Agent Garfield read me a letter about crazy Robert and his lucky suit." "What?" "I never said "crazy."" "Ma, what did you do?" "She faxed the fbi a letter about how she ruined my lucky suit." "I wasn't sure it went through." "It was the first time I ever used a fax machine." "Marie, why don't you go into the kitchen?" "Robert, how about you just stay here and... maybe blink a few times?" "Why would you do it?" "Why would you send a letter?" "The guy looked at me" "like I was a pathetic, candy-ass mama's boy." "Well, then he seems awfully critical." "He's the fbi, Ma!" "I wasn't applying for a job at the Gap!" "Frank, turn the television off." " Why?" " Because we're talking." "So I'll turn it up louder." "Hey!" "Frank, Robert's meeting didn't go very well." "What meeting?" "With the fbi, Dad." "Pay attention." "I'll take his cluelessness over her sabotage any day of the week." " My what?" " You heard me." "Your sabotage." "You're a saboteur-- saboteur!" "I don't understand." "I was just trying to help you." "Oh, help, help." "You're trying to help me?" "Like the guy who shaves your ankles before the electric chair?" "Is that the kind of help?" "!" "Thanks for the help!" " What do I owe you?" "!" " All right." "You're upset because you feel your interview didn't go as well as it could, and I'm sorry, too." "But that doesn't give you the right to lash out at me." "Listen to me, woman!" "Now, if this was the only time that you ever screwed me up," "I just would have gone home and said, "Oh, that Mom..."" "But this is just the latest in your psychotic series of attempts to keep me down!" "Robert, I think you're getting carried away." "Debra, please." "We're talking." "Oh, come on, Deb, come on!" "You know how she is!" "Now's your chance." "Tell her how you feel!" "It's time to rise up and cast off the shackles!" "Easy there, Spartacus." "Yeah, Robert, in hindsight, maybe faxing that letter wasn't the best idea, but I think Marie was only trying to help." "Wait a minute-- you're gonna stand there and tell me that she doesn't wrap her tentacles around every part of your life and squeeze and squeeze and squeeze and squeeze?" "!" "Is that what you're gonna tell me right now?" "!" "Okay, but she's not a saboteur." "Robbie, please, why would I want to keep you from getting that job?" "So you could keep your family the way you like it-- with you sitting on top, Queen Marie." "This is crazy talk." "Oh, yeah?" "Everyone else isn't below you?" "Look, here's little Prince Raymond, heir to the throne." "What throne?" "Shut up!" "You say "Shut up" to the Prince?" "And then you have your court jester, with his bald head and weighty behind!" "And then there's me-- the peasant, the serf." "And God forbid I should move up just a little, because it might upset your perfect order!" "You can't actually believe that." " What am I supposed to believe?" "!" " I would never" "No, look, enough!" "Just-- just stay out of my life." "All right, then." "If that's what you want." "That's what I want." "I really think the fbi could use my son." "Mrs. Barone" "Now, I know he overreacted a little to my letter, but he'd be" " an asset to your organization..." " Mrs. Barone" " So could you pick up the phone" " Mrs. Barone" " Yes?" " How did you get in here?" "I talked to the man up front, and I told him" "I had to speak to you about my son Robert." "And they asked me if I was the lucky suit lady, which I guess I am." "So I said yes, and they smiled and they let me in." "Bastards." "I wanted to talk to you face to face." "That letter, I just scribbled that out to get to you as fast as I could." "Mrs. Barone," "I'm trying to understand why you're really here." "I'm a mother." "I'm sure you know what I'm talking about." "You have a picture of your dear mother" "looking at you every day." "That's my wife." "Ahandsomewoman." "Mrs. Barone, I'm beginning to think you really don't want your son to have this job." "Did Robbie tell you to say that to me?" "Or Frank?" "Did my husband call you?" " No, I'm just looking at the evidence." " What evidence?" " Well, you did ruin his lucky suit." " That was an accident." "Or part of a pattern of behavior." "Yes, love love love." "Then you wrote this letter which you said" " you scribbled out in a hurry." " That's right." "Mrs. Barone, I spent a year teaching handwriting analysis at the academy." "I always got "A"s in penmanship, so I don't know where you're going with this." "This letter was written with a cool and purposeful hand." "No, I was in a rush." "And then, even though Robert told you the letter embarrassed him, now you arrive in person." "I wanted to fix what I did." "I made cookies." "Double chocolate chip." "Mrs. Barone, you seem like an intelligent woman." "Thank you." "Have a cookie." "Do you really think that a mother interfering to the extent that you have could possibly help a man get a job with the fbi?" "There's something else going on." "He was supposed to retire." "He's a year away from not being a police officer, which means I could stop worrying about him every second of the day." "I want him to be safe." "Now he wants to go from one dangerous job to another?" "How long do I have to walk around with a knot in my stomach?" "Forever?" "I can't do it anymore." "It's too much." "But he wants this job." "It'll make him happy." "And he should be happy." "So, yes, he should have this job." "Please, give him this job." "I can't do that." "No, no-- don't blame him, you can punish me!" "Put one of those tracking things on my legs so I can't get out of the house." "And if you met my husband, you'd know that's punishment enough." "Mrs. Barone, the reason your son isn't getting this job has nothing to do with you." "He's a fine officer, it's just that there are better qualified candidates for the position." "Better qualified than my Robbie?" "Yes." "All right, let me tell you something." "My Robbie's too good for you." "That's right." "He's too good for this place, and maybe you could use a lucky suit, because that's a horrible color on you." "And your wife does look like your mother!" "Do you validate parking?" "Hello, Robbie." "Hey." "May I come in?" "I made you cookies." "Double chocolate chip." "Thank you." "You know, I was thinking about what you said." "Uh-huh." "Aboutmesabotagingyou." "And although I'm not crazy about the word "sabotage,"" "um, maybe I understand now what you meant." "Oh, yeah?" "Yes." "After you said it," "I went for a drive." "Um, and I stopped at that diner on Roosevelt Boulevard for a cup of coffee and some banana cream pie." "And all of a sudden, I thought, "My gosh, maybe Robbie is right."" "Really?" "It just hit me all of a sudden." "Really?" "At a diner?" "Over banana cream pie?" "It's funny how the mind works." "It didn't happen at the fbi office of Agent Tom Garfield about 35 minutes ago?" "No, I think it was the diner." "Ma..." "All right, so I went to visit him." "Love makes you do crazy things sometimes." "Banana cream pie..." "How did you find out?" "He called me." "What?" "!" "How dare he stick his nose into my business!" "Look, Ma, he told me what you said." "Well, he's a liar." "Look, Ma... he told me how you feel about my job." "Well, I'm sorry." "I can't help it." "I know." "Thanks." "So, you going to work now?" "Yep." " Well, then, you" " I'll be careful." "Come on, I'll walk you to your car." "Listen, just so you know" "I didn't make everything up, I really did stop for pie." "That's okay." "But it was coconut." "I don't know why I changed it." "Oh, boy." "How much longer until "The Prince Raymond Show" comes on?" "Uh, we got about a minute." "I thought you weren't gonna watch it, Ma." "Quiet." "Move over." "Here, Uncle Robert." "Hey, what's this?" "I heard about your lucky suit," "So I made you this lucky hat." "Aww-ww." "Thanks, Geoffrey." "That is so sweet of him." "That means so much to" "Quiet, quiet." "Here comes Raymond." "Game check will not be seen tonight so that we can bring you continuing local election coverage." " What?" " Are you kidding me?" "!" "I was funny, too." "I was good on it."