"( theme song playing )" "FILM NARRATOR:" "Once again, der Führer spends some time at beautiful Berchtesgaden to relax from the pressures of the war." "Here he is greeting Field Marshal Göring, who comes with news of further triumphs of the Luftwaffe." "These films from the Luftwaffe show the German fighter planes..." "Excuse me." "FILM NARRATOR:" "...an American air raid over Bremerhaven." "Fräulein, is this seat taken?" "No." "Oh, good." "( film narration continues )" "Has the cartoon gone on yet?" "Yes." "Did it have animals in it?" "Yes, it was "The Three Bears."" "Oh, I'm sorry I missed it." "I'm just crazy about Papa Bear." "Oh, good." "I'm Mama Bear." "Do you have a message from the underground for us?" "Yes, you..." "FILM NARRATOR:" "Things continue to go well for the victorious Third Reich." "New and powerful weapons continue..." "Oh, I like that message." "Here's one for you." "That was the Gestapo." "Mm-hmm." "We mustn't look suspicious." "Oh, I agree." "He's gone." "That's what I hate about the Gestapo." "There's never one around when you need them." "Now, uh... the Germans are suspicious of Stalag 13." "They are?" "Yes, because of all the sabotage in the area." "We have word that they are going to set a trap for you in the next few days." "What kind of a trap?" "We don't know." "But you must not engage in any sabotage until further notice." "Right." "I must go now." "Aren't you going to see the movie?" "Oh, no, I have other contacts to make." "Whoops!" "Gestapo is back." "And not a moment too soon." "( film narration continues )" "Last week, they picked up three of our agents." "In Hammelburg?" "Ja." "This work is getting more and more dangerous every day." "A person could get shot doing this." "Yeah, but what a way to go." ""Sincerely yours," and sign my name." "Now, would you please read back the last paragraph?" ""Therefore, I should like to request additional guards" ""to maintain the enviable record" ""of no escapes at Stalag 13" ""a fantastic record unmatched by any prison camp in the annals of military history."" "Hmm." "What's the matter?" "I wonder if I'm too modest." "You should try to come out of your shell." "( knock at door )" "Come in, come in." "Oh, Major Hochstetter." "It's always an honor to have the Gestapo visit us." "What can I do for you?" "Klink, I have some top-secret information you should know about." "Oh... oh." "No, no, no, please, Fräulein, please, huh?" "I am sure you would not have a Fräulein working for you in a sensitive position that you could not trust." "Of course not." "I could trust Fräulein Hilda to... to shave the Führer." "( chuckling ):" ""To shave the..." "Führer."" "( shouting ):" "The 112th Radar Battalion..." "Just a minute." "Klink, what are you doing?" "If this is secret information, we shouldn't let anyone hear it." "Who can hear it in a prison camp?" "The prisoners." "You see." "Corporal LeBeau is already listening to our conversation." "What can he do with the information?" "You have a perfect record, Commandant." "No escapes." "Of course." "Well?" "Well, the 112th Radar Battalion reports that its equipment will be out of commission for the next few days." "What has that got to do with my command?" "Well, this is unfortunate, because it leaves the ammunition supply dump at Braunschweiger Pass vulnerable to bombing." "Headquarters wants you to send some extra guards for security." "Major Hochstetter, you can expect my complete cooperation." "Fräulein Hilda, get Sergeant Schultz." "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant." "Get me the motor pool." "I want to speak to Sergeant Hoffenburger." "False?" "!" "( softly ):" "The Gestapo is testing your personnel and prisoners for security leaks." "We are setting a trap." "Sir, are you questioning the security of Stalag 13?" "Klink, I question anything you are connected with." "You may be caught in that trap." "And as usual, I shall be in charge of all the arrangements." "Well, why is it always you?" "Because I happen to be an expert at birthday parties." "Wasn't that a lovely birthday party we gave you, Kinch?" "Oh, yeah, sure." "I especially enjoyed your gift-- the autographed copy of Mein Kampf." "For my birthday, he gave me a pinup picture of Buckingham Palace." "That happened to be a heirloom." "And as I recall, you had a very lovely birthday party." "Well, I didn't like it." "Well, what was wrong with it?" "My mother always rented a pony." "LeBEAU:" "Hey!" "Wait till you hear this." "Please, I'm trying to make arrangements for Colonel Hogan's birthday party." "But I just heard something very important." "It'll keep, Louis." "It's going to be a long war." "Are you people crazy?" "I have vital information that could win the war for us." "We'll get to it... the moment we decide what to give Colonel Hogan for his birthday." "How about a new muffler?" "No, Hilda's knitting him one." "Now, listen to me!" "All right, we're listening." "I just heard Hochstetter telling Klink the Boche radar is broken down, and there's an ammo dump just begging to be bombed." "Wonderful." "Hey, that's it!" "A perfect gift for a man who's got everything-- an ammo dump!" "Well, it certainly will be a surprise." "What are you talking about?" "( softly ):" "Listen." "We just don't tell the colonel the information, right?" "And we take care of the ammo dump ourselves." "Yeah, that's a great idea." "Well, if that's what we're going to do, we'd better radio London." "Right." "Okay, what do I tell them, LeBeau?" "Yeah." "Tell them the 112th Battalion Radar station is out of order, and the ammo dump at Braunschweiger Pass is wide open." ""Braunschweiger Pass."" "Right." "Hey, how about some entertainment for the party?" "Yeah, I could do my Laurel and Hardy impression." "( imitating Stan Laurel ):" "Say, Ollie, I've got a good idea." "Let's tell the wives we're going on a convention." "( imitating Oliver Hardy ):" "That's a good idea." "( chuckles )" "It's bound to be the hit of the party, Carter." "( softly ):" "Is Colonel Hogan here?" "No." "Good." "He doesn't know anything about the surprise birthday party?" "No." "Your submarine pens in Bremerhaven should be such a secret." "Oh, that's in very bad taste, LeBeau." "Never mind, Schultz." "Did you get the decorations?" "I did even better." "I got some from my nephew Wolfie's birthday party." "( all exclaim )" "Party hats!" "( Schultz hoots )" "Hey, Schultz, do you know where we can rent a pony?" "A pony?" "Forget it." "They've all been drafted." "( clanking noise )" "What was that?" "Uh... mice, mice." "Time to go, Schultz." "We've got things to do now, huh?" "And remember, the party's top secret." "Oh, ja, ja, I won't tell a soul." "I know nothing!" "Okay, let's go, let's go." "Good-bye." "Okay then, off you go then, Schultzy." "Bye-bye." "Come on, let's go." "What are you doing?" "Hi, Carter." "Hi, Colonel." "Hi, fellas." "Hi, Colonel." "Did you make contact with the underground?" "Yeah, yeah, he's a wonderful guy." "Yes, he uses very sexy shaving lotion." "All right, so it's a girl." "She's our new contact." "What did she have to say?" "Or did you give her a chance?" "Yes, I gave her a chance." "Now, listen to this." "All sabotage activity comes to a halt." "She got word the Gestapo is setting a trap." "What do you mean, a trap?" "Well they're suspicious of this area, especially Stalag 13." "They'll probably pass out phony information." "If it gets back to London, they'll know the leak was here." "So I don't want any activity of any kind until further notice, understood?" "Understood?" "Yes, sir." "Right, sir." "For the man who has everything-- an ammo dump." "Don't start on me." "He's the one who brought in the information." "I merely mentioned it." "I didn't expect that you would build an entire birthday party around it." "( movement on ladder )" "London's sending a squadron of bombers tomorrow." "Forget it, Kinch." "Radio London and tell them to call off the mission." "What's going on?" "LeBeau led us into a trap." "Don't blame it on me!" "You're the one who started the whole thing." "Never mind!" "never mind!" "It doesn't matter." "Just radio London and tell them to call off that mission." "All right." "You had to suggest giving him an ammo dump." "You couldn't give him what I suggested." "When was the last time you saw a full colonel take a bubble bath?" "Well, it doesn't mean he wouldn't want to." "( door opens )" "Where's Kinch?" "Down in the radio room." "I think he's checking his equipment." "Just make sure he doesn't send any messages." "Why not?" "Come here." "HOGAN:" "A radio detector truck-- part of the trap." "We can't let them intercept any of our messages." "Could jeopardize our whole operation." "Papa Bear calling Goldilocks." "A message is coming through." "Come in, please." "We have an imp..." "Hey, what..." "You can't send any messages." "Take my word for it." "It went dead." "Where did it come from?" "I didn't get enough." "I could not tell." "Will somebody please tell me what's going on?" "( breathlessly ):" "The Krauts have got a radio detector truck parked outside the camp." "We don't notify London, that bombing mission's going to be wiped out." "And they'll know where the information came from." "I'm afraid we've got a date with a firing squad." "Well, look at the bright side." "At least we don't have to worry about what to get Colonel Hogan for his birthday." "Now, let's not panic, chaps." "What we need is a cool head here." "It's no use wasting a lot of time, trying to put the blame on someone else." "We all know it's LeBeau's fault." "My fault!" "Let's not discuss it." "We got to find a way to stop that bombing mission from being annihilated by those Kraut guns." "Why don't we do it through the underground?" "There's got to be a way to send a radio message to England." "Why don't we do it through the underground?" "I mean, we've faced crises like this before." "Why don't we do it through the underground?" "Just give me a moment." "I know I'm going to..." "Why don't we do it through the underground?" "Hey, that's it." "That's a great idea." "How come it wasn't a good idea when I said it?" "One of us could deliver the message to the contact at the movie house." "I'll change and get started." "Pardonez-moi." "What's the matter?" "You don't fool me, LeBeau." "We all know this contact's a good-looking bird." "So?" "So what makes you think that you are going to be the one to go out and meet her?" "Because you're in charge of birthday parties." "Don't forget to call the caterers." "Are you insinuating that we are not distributing Red Cross packages?" "Oh, you're distributing them all right." "Just be nice if the prisoners got them for a change." "Colonel Hogan, on what evidence do you back up that charge?" "Well, I would like you to show me where it says "Made in Germany"" "on this bar of peanut brittle." "This was being examined by our intelligence officers." "Haven't they got anything better to do than search a candy bar?" "Hogan, the High Command is not interested in your comments." "All I want you to do is release those Red Cross packages to the men so they can use them for my surprise birthday party." "Oh, your men are giving you a surprise birthday party, huh?" "If it's a surprise party, how is it possible you know about it?" "The same way I knew about the peanut brittle." "You can't keep a secret around here, Commandant." "All right, Hogan, as soon as intelligence ascertains that you are not receiving anything that could be used for sabotage, we will distribute the packages." "Well, thank you from the bottom of my peanut brittle." "Oh, Hogan." "Yes, sir." "Your sentimentality has not escaped me." "How touching that your men are giving you a surprise party." "Well, Americans are just softies, sir." "The German officer does not want his men to give him a party." "All we want is respect." "Who knows-- someday you may even get it." "FILM ANNOUNCER:" "Here are some highlights of our Führer's victorious speech in Berlin." "CROWD ( in film ):" "Sieg Heil!" "Sieg Heil!" "Sieg Heil!" "( Hitler giving speech )" "I understand they bombed the Frankfurt Zoo." "Yes, um..." "I hope they didn't kill the papa bear." "Or the mama bear." "I think I was followed by the Gestapo." "Put your arm around me." "You're our new contact?" "Yes, I come to this theater three times a week." "Why don't you meet me here tomorrow afternoon?" "They don't show movies on Thursday." "What has that got to do with it?" "Gestapo." "Some people don't believe in love at first sight." "There's something I must tell you." "There's something I must tell you." "We had to disband our underground unit." "But we must get a message through to London." "No, that's impossible." "We had to dismantle the underground radio." "But so much depends on this." "I'm sorry." "There's nothing we can do." "I better get back to camp." "We'll need another plan." "The Gestapo's gone." "Good-bye." "Tell me..." "Hmm?" "Who did you like to kiss better, me or Colonel Hogan?" "That's a military secret." "( noisemakers blowing, shaking and rattling )" "CARTER:" "These are really swell." "Really marvelous, Schultz." "Thank you." "You're going to make Colonel Hogan very happy." "What kind of a cake is LeBeau baking?" "What kind did you have in mind?" "I thought maybe he would bake a... a German chocolate cake." "Serve Colonel Hogan German chocolate cake?" "Would you offer Adolf Hitler an American cheese sandwich on Russian rye?" "Whatever LeBeau bakes, it's good enough for me." "That's very big of you, Schultz." "Now I have to go back to the post." "Hey, what are you doing, Andrew?" "I'm making a pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey set." "Am I to understand that we're going to spend the whole birthday party playing pin the tail on the donkey?" "Of course not." "I thought first we'd start with some musical chairs." "( metal tapping )" "Oh, that's LeBeau." "Yeah, we'd better get all this stuff put away, you know, before the colonel gets back." "Okay." "Here we go." "I didn't have any luck." "I wouldn't say that." "You look like the luckiest man in town." "We never should've sent a Frenchman." "LeBeau, you got the entire fate of that squadron in your hands." "You spend the whole afternoon in the movies necking?" "What are you talking about?" "We had to act like a couple of lovers to avoid being picked up by the Gestapo." "You're lucky you weren't picked up by the vice squad." "Here, wipe off that lipstick and tell us what happened." "Well, the underground unit is disbanded." "There's no way they can transmit our radio message for us." "And those bombers are flying right into that trap." "Well, now what do we do?" "The first thing we're going to do is cancel the birthday party." "What?" "Well, why?" "Because it's in very bad taste to be playing musical chairs while our bombers are being shot out of the sky." "Hi, fellas." "Hi." "What's the matter?" "You guys look like you got a Dear John chain letter." "No, the mail didn't arrive yet." "NEWKIRK:" "Uh, Colonel Hogan?" "Yeah." "I'm afraid we're going to have to tell him, chaps." "I don't think we should." "Well, he's going to find out sooner or later." "Hold it, fellas." "I already know." "He found out sooner." "This is the first surprise birthday party I've ever had." "Well, we've got another surprise for you, Colonel." "What's that?" "Well, we were having trouble deciding what to get you and... well, we thought it might be nice to give you a present of an ammo dump." "Well, if it's any help, I'm 40-regular in an ammo dump." "Ammo dump?" "!" "This was based on some information we got about a radar station in Braunschweiger Pass." "When did you get the information?" "Yesterday." "I heard Hochstetter telling Klink." "That's great." "That is great!" "You walked right into their trap!" "Yeah, we radioed London and they've arranged for a bombing mission tomorrow." "And unless we can knock out that radio-detection truck outside, we can't get word to London to call off the mission." "We hate to spoil your birthday, Colonel." "We had everything all planned." "LeBeau even baked a cake." "Oui, I did." "Look, we've even got the candles-- see?" "And we've got some party hats." "Oh, and I made a pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey set." "You'd better pin the tail on me, Carter." "It was my fault." "Oh, it was as much my fault as it was yours, Newkirk." "Well, I was to blame, too." "Right, all of you were to blame." "( group yelling )" "Hold it, hold it!" "The important thing is to find a way to knock out that radio truck or an awful lot of guys are going to miss their next birthday." "Maybe we could set fire to the truck." "We could never get close enough." "I have another way." "What's that, sir?" "Klink has given permission for the sentimental Americans to have a surprise birthday party for their colonel." "LeBEAU:" "Oh, yeah?" "You have your party and you give your beloved colonel some fireworks." "So we load the candles." "Right." "A couple of nice, big, fat Roman candles in the center of the cake." "I don't have any gunpowder." "SCHULTZ:" "Roll call!" "There's your answer-- Schultz." "He's got plenty of shells." "I'm sure you're clever enough to get them." "Roll call inside!" "Is everything ready for the surprise party?" "I've already baked a cake." "All I have to do is put the icing on it." "Hey, Carter, why don't we teach Schultz, you know, show him how we play that game pin the tail on the donkey?" "Sure!" "I love games!" "Oh, this one will give you a lot of laughs." "Look at this, look at this." "Newkirk, Newkirk, Newkirk, Newkirk, could I try it?" "Of course you can." "Put the donkey up on the wall." "It's very easy, Schultz." "You see, all you have to do is pin this tail on that donkey." "Easy?" "What's so difficult about that?" "Well, you see, you're blindfolded at the time." "Okay, here we go." "Take your helmet away." "Hold this, Kinch." "There we go." "You can't see?" "SCHULTZ:" "No, no, no" " I see nothing." "I see nothing." "That's it now." "And we spin you around." "We're going to turn you right round, you see." "And then off you'll go." "Ready, one more." "Right." "Okay, you're on your way now, Schultzy." "You're very cold." "You're getting a little warmer now." "You're getting a little warmer." "No, it's icy!" "Ooh, it's freezing right now." "You've played this game before, Schultzy, haven't you?" "Ooh, it's got cold, cold!" "Very cold." "( fire crackling, party favors blowing )" "Would you believe grown men behaving like that?" "You'll never see Himmler or Göring popping corn." "Why not?" "It looks like fun." "( party favors blowing )" "ALL:" "* For he's a jolly good fellow *" "* For he's a jolly good fellow" "* That nobody can deny" "* That nobody can deny" "* That nobody can deny" "* For he's a jolly good fellow" "* For he's a jolly good fellow *" "* That nobody can deny." "SCHULTZ:" "Oh, I can hardly wait!" "Schultz, you can light the candles now." "Ja, I will, right away." "I'd light that one first if I were you." "Yes." "CARTER:" "Wait!" "Fellas, I realize that we're a long way from home and sort of on our own and all that, but even so, even though we don't have all the right things and don't even have a pony or anything," "there are still certain proper traditions we should observe about birthdays, and one of them is this:" "It's the most important." "Colonel Hogan is supposed to make a wish." "I made the wish." "Light the cake." "Stand over here so the guards in the tower can see." "Oh, yeah!" "( chuckles )" "Here we go." "Papa Bear to Goldilocks." "Papa Bear to Goldilocks." "Scratch Braunschweiger Pass mission." "Something is wrong with the radio truck." "Schultz, why are you standing there?" "Go see what happened." "SCHULTZ:" "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant!" "Please, Colonel Hogan, save me a big piece of cake." "Yeah, okay, Schultz." "Schultz!" "Why don't you cut the cake?" "With pleasure, Newkirk." "I want to thank you fellas for giving me the nicest birthday party I've ever had." "( all cheering )" "Now, Klink, I am going to try and be calm about this." "I want you to tell me in your own words exactly how did the radio detector truck get put out of action." "Major Hochstetter, you won't believe this." "Try me!" "It was a million-to-one shot that the candles would have hit the truck." "What candles?" "The candles from the birthday cake." "Birthday cake?" "In the middle of World War II, you give yourself a birthday party?" "Oh, no, it wasn't for me." "Uh, the party was for me, sir." "You give a birthday party for a prisoner?" "Oh, no, no, no, my men gave it to me." "Oh, I'm sorry you missed it, Major." "It was a great party." "I saved you some cake." "Oh, thank you, Hogan." "Thank you." "Oh, Klink, you are succeeding in doing by yourself what millions of enemy soldiers are unable to do-- bring the Third Reich to its knees!" "Bah!" "Party pooper."