"(Applause)" "Good evening." "We are very pleased to have in the studio tonight one of the very few people in the world, if not the only person in the world, to have spent the major part of his life underwater, attempting to teach ravens to fly." " (Man) Good evening." " Good evening." "We are very pleased to welcome to the studio Sir Arthur Greeb-Streebling." " Er, Streeb-Greebling." " Oh, I beg your pardon." "You're confusing me with Sir Arthur Greeb-Streebling." "Streeb-Greebling is my name." "Good evening." " Yes." "Good evening." " Good evening." " Thank you very much." " Good evening." " Good Greebling." " Good Greebling indeed." " Good evening." " Yes." "Good evening." " Hello, fans." " Yes." "Er...shut up, Sir Arthur." "Erm..." " Good evening." " Good evening." "Sir Arthur, erm...could you tell us what first led you to this way of life?" " Teaching ravens to fly underwater?" " Yes." "Well, it's always very difficult to say what prompts anybody to do anything, let alone getting underwater and teaching ravens to fly." "But I think it probably all dates back to a very early age, when I was quite a young fellow." "My mother, Lady Beryl Streeb-Greebling - you know, the wonderful dancer, 107 tomorrow and still dancing - er...she came up to me in the conservatory " "I was pruning some walnuts - and she said, er, "Arthur..." I wasn't Sir Arthur in those days." "She said, er, "Arthur, if you don't get underwater and start teaching ravens to fly," "I'll smash your stupid face off."" "And I think it was this that sort of first started my interest in the whole business of, er..." "getting them underwater." "Yes." "Erm, h-h-how old were you then?" "I was 47." "I'd er... just majored in O-level in Forestry." "I'd got through that and was looking about for something to do." "Yes." "Erm...where did you "strat" your work?" "Er, I think it can be said of me that I have never, ever, "stratted" my work." "That is one thing I have never done." "I can lay my hand on my heart or, indeed, anybody else's heart and say, "I have never stratted my work." Never stratted at all." "I think what you probably want to know is when I "started" my work." "Er, you've, er... misread completely the, er...question." " Yes, I'm awfully sorry." "I did make an error." " Yes." "Where did you, er...start your work?" "Where did I start it?" "Well, I started almost immediately." "My mother had given me this hint She's a powerful woman, Lady Beryl." "She can break a swan's wing with a blow of her hose." "Incredible creature." "So, pretty nippily, I leapt into the moat with a raven on me wrist, you see, and plunged into the murky depths of the moat." "We have a little one running round the house." "Rather green and slimy, frogs and toads swimming about the place." "I moved out of there to the municipal baths and from thence to the Atlantic, where I am currently stationed." "Mm." "That's rather a long way from home, isn't it?" "3,000 miles." "Yes, it's a long way to commute every morning from Barnstaple, it really is." "Erm... (Clears throat) Sir Arthur, is it difficult to get ravens to fly underwater?" "Well, I think the word "difficult" is an awfully good one here." "Yes, it is er..." "It's well-nigh impossible." "I think er..." "The trouble is, you see, God, in his infinite wisdom and mercy, er, designed these creatures to fly in the air, rather than through the watery substances of the deep." "Hence, they experience enormous difficulty - as you said, difficulty - in beating their tiny wings against the water." " It's a disastrous experience for them." " Yes." "Erm...how do you manage to breathe?" "Through the mouth and the nose." "Er..." "The usual method, in fact." "God gave us these orifices to breathe through and who am I to condemn him?" "You can't breathe through anything else." "If you start breathing through your ears, you can't hear yourself speak for the rushing of the wind." "Nose and mouth is what I use and I trust you do." " Yes, well, I most certainly do, of course." " Good." "But what I was meaning was how do you manage to breathe underwater?" "Oh, that's completely impossible." "Nobody can breathe underwater." "That's what makes it so difficult." "I have to bob to the surface every 30 seconds." "Makes it impossible to conduct a sustained training program on the ravens." "And they're no better." "They can't even be taught to hold their beaks." "Horrible little animals." "There they are, sitting on me wrist I say, "Fly, fly, you devils,"" "and they inhale a faceful of water and er..." " I suppose they drown." " It's curtains, yes, they drown." "They er...topple off me wrist." "Little, black, feathery figure topples off me wrist, spirals very slowly down to a watery grave." "We're knee-deep in feathers off that part of the coast." "Sir Arthur, have you ever managed to get a raven to fly underwater?" "No." "Er..." "I have never managed to get one to fly underwater." "Not at all Not a single success in the whole...40 years of training." "It sounds rather a...miserable failure, then, your whole life, really, I suppose." "My life has been a miserable failure, yes." "Er...how old are you?" "If that's not a personal question." " It is a personal question but I am 83." " 83." "83." "Remarkably well preserved because of the water, of course, on the face." "Yes, well, I-I..." "I would say, then, that your life has probably been a bit of a shambles." "It's a bit late in life, you see, to turn to anything else." "I've often thought of taking something else up, you know..." " Yes." " ...a bit more sort of commercial." "But it's very difficult when you go around to a firm and they say, "What were you doing before this?"" "And you say, "Well, I was hovering about ten foot underwater," ""attempting unsuccessfully to get ravens to fly."" " Yes." " They tend to look down their noses at you." " Oh, what a miserable thing." " A miserable thing indeed." "Well, thank you very much indeed, Sir Arthur, for telling us your absolute tale of woe." " Thank you very much for coming along." " Thank you." "And good evening." "Poetry and music." "This, erm...uneasy marriage of the arts has caused a lot of controversy for a long time." "Many opinions are for, many against." "We leave you to judge for yourselves." "What we're going to show you is a visualization and musification of a poem of a young poet, John Lennon." "And the poem is called, quite simply, Deaf Ted, Danoota (And Me)." "(Birds twittering)" "(# Soft violin, piano)" "Thorg hilly grove" "And burly ive" "Big daleys grass and tree" "We clobber ever gallup" "Deaf Ted, Danoota and me" "Never shall we partly stray" "Fast stirrup all we three" "Fight the battle mighty sword" "Deaf Ted, Danoota and me" "With faithful frog beside us" "Big, mighty club are we" "The battle scab and frisky dyke" "Deaf Ted, Danoota" "And me" "We fight the baddy baddies" "For colour, race and cree" "For Negro, Jew and Bernie" "Deaf Ted, Danoota and me" "Thorg Billy grows and Burnley ten" "And Aston Villa three" "We clobber ever gallop" "Deaf Ted, Danoota and me" "So, if you hear a wondrous sight" "Am blatter or at sea" "Remember whom the mighty say" "Deaf Ted, Danoota and me" "Sometimes we bring Our friend, Malcolm" "(Distant cheering)" "(Applause)" "(# Jazz)" "The, erm...the holiday season is just beginning and in the same way as English organizations such as the RAC and the AA are publishing guides to the continent, a French organization, the Guide Rosé, has been taking a look at London." "Here is their report on London's North Circular roadway." "(Man) Ze North Circular winds its circuitous way from 'Arlesden in ze west to 'Ackney in ze east." "Picturesque villas line this historic roadway." "Worth a visit, too, are the numerous and varied and beautiful islands that dot the route, each one wiz a character of its own." "Archaeological surveys are always of interest to the passing tourist and the populace has a native Anglo-Saxon wit." "(Honks horn)" "Here we see a local abbé visiting on some of his parishioners." "The sun-seeking travellers are helped on their way by cheerful gendarmes." " Game abounds here." "Vive la chasse." " (Horn honks)" "Numerous restaurants and bistros line this picturesque roadway." "The pride of these is the Cafe De Fred." "I was recommended to Fred by one of my fellow inspectors." "According to him, Monsieur Fred has built his reputation by working hard." "He clings doggedly to modest prices, and has been noted for his courtesy." "And so, throughout the years, Fred has prospered" "A native cockney, Fred was born within the sight of bow legs." "What gastronomic delights are in store for us here." "Monsieur Fred caters for a large, varied and discriminating clientele." "And so, refreshed, we continue on our journey." "To the tourist from la belle France visiting the North Circular, we say good luck, bonne chance, bonne route." "Remember, keep to the left, and above all, défense de manger." "(# Piano plays opening to Beethoven's Fifth Symphony)" "(Man) Ladies and gentlemen... this is..." "Ludwig van Beethoven!" "(Applause)" "# It's not unusual to be loved by anyone" "# It's not unusual to have fun with anyone" "# But when I see you hanging around with anyone" "# It's not unusual to see me cry, I wanna die" "# It's not unusual to be mad with anyone" "# It's not unusual to be sad with anyone" "# But if I ever find that you've changed at any time" "# It's not unusual to fnd that I'm in love with you, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh #" "(Audience shrieking)" "Hello." "Zis is Ludwig van Beethoven." "(Shrieking and applause)" "Velcome back." "Oh, you're too kind, really." "Thank you." "Velcome back." "I should like to introduce to you a very good limey friend of mine who has a special line in verse." "Ze fabulous Villiam Vordsvorth." "I wandered lonely as a cloud" "That floats on high over vales and hills" "When all at once I saw a crowd" "A host of golden daffodils" "Beside the lake, beneath the trees" "Fluttering and dancing in the breeze" "Continuous as the stars that shine" "And twinkle on the Milky Way" "They stretched in never-ending line" "Along the margin of the bay" "Ten thousand saw I at a glance" "Tossing their heads in sprightly dance" "The waves besides them danced" "But they outdid the sparkling waves in glee" "A poet could not but be gay" "In such a jocund company" "I gazed and gazed, but little thought" "What wealth to me the show had brought" "For oft when on my couch I lie" "In vacant or in pensive mood" "They flash upon that inward eye" "That is the bliss of solitude" "And then my heart with pleasure fills" "And dances with the daffodils" "(Applause)" "(Man) Ladies and gentlemen, this is Ludwig van Beethoven." "# Joy, thou goddess, fair, immortal" "# Offspring of Elysium" "# Mad with rapture, to the portal" "# Of thy holy fame we come" "# Fashion's flaws, indeed, may sever" "# But thy magic joins again" "# All mankind are brethren ever" "# 'Neath thy mild and gentle reign #" "Oh, one more time." "Nice change of key, boys, yes." "# Joy, in Nature's wide dominion # It's not unusual" "# To be loved by anyone # Mightest cause of all is found" "# And 'tis joy that moves the pinion # It's not unusual" "# To have fun with anyone # When the wheel of time goes round" "# But when I see you # From the bud she lures the flower" "# Hanging about with anyone # Suns from out their orbs of light" "# It's not unusual # Distant spheres obey her power" "# To see me cry # Far beyond all mortal sight" "# Joy from truth's own glass of fire # If I ever find" "# You've changed at any time # Sweetly on the searcher smiles" "# It's not unusual # Lest on virtue's steeps he tire" "# To find that I'm in love # Joy the tedious path" "# With you # Beguiles" "# Joy in Nature's wide dominion # It's not unusual" "# Mightest cause of all is found # To be loved by anyone" "# It's not unusual # And 'tis joy that moves the pinion" "# To have fun with anyone # When the wheel of time goes round" "# But when I see you # From the bud she lures the flower" "# Hanging about with anyone # Suns from out their orbs of light" "# It's not unusual # Distant spheres obey her power" "# To see me cry # Far beyond all mortal sight" "# Joy from truth's own glass of fire # If I ever find" "# That you've changed at any time # Sweetly on the searcher smiles" "# It's not unusual # Lest on virtue's steeps he tire" "# To find that I'm in love # Joy the tedious path" "# With you # Beguiles #" "(Shrieking)" "# Now is the time to say goodbye" "# Goodbye # Goodbye" "# Goodbye # Goodbye" " Get off." " # Now is the time to yield a sigh" "# Yield it" "# Now is the time to wend away" "# Until we meet again" "# Some sunny day" "# Goodbye, goodbye" "# We're leaving you, goodbye" "# Goodbye" "# Fa ta ta ta, fa ta ta ta" "# Goodbye, goodbye" "# We're leaving you, sweetheart" "# Goodbye" "# Fa ta ta ta ta" "# Goodbye, goodbye" "# Fa ta ta ta" "# Goodbye, goodbye" "# We're leaving you, sweetheart" "# Goodbye #"