"Stop it!" "Everyone's looking at me!" "You've got a right dirty laugh, d'you know that?" "You sound like Barbara Windsor!" "It's the smoking." "I didn't know you smoked." "Yeah, I do, but I'm gonna start giving up when I'm 28 and then definitely stop when I'm 30." "Can you believe we're actually going to meet tomorrow?" "Only 17 hours to go now, babes." " Hiya, Stacey." " All right, Doris?" "How's the leg?" " I wish they'd cut the bugger off." " Oh, you don't mean that." "Oh, yes, I do." "You hand me the axe, I'll do it myself." " You still going up London on your blind date?" " It's not really a blind date." "We've been talking for six months." "Just haven't met, like." "What time are you off?" "First thing." "Dave's Coaches." "Cacking myself, I am." "Stace, love, you've got to chill out." "The thing to remember is don't go giving him nothing on the first night." " Really?" " Well, no, not nothing." "A kiss, a cuddle, a cheeky finger." "Just don't go selling him the whole farm." " Oh, thanks, Dor." " See you, love." " Hiya, Mam." " Hiya, luv." " Is that Doris out?" " Yeah." " How's her leg?" " Fine." " What's that top?" " TK Maxx. 5 quid, down from 10." " Can't go wrong." "Fancy an omelette?" " Aye, go on, then." "Nessa'll be here at six." " Will she want an omelette?" " I dunno." "Hiya, it's me." "Mam's doing an omelette - d'you want one?" "Mmm..." "Yeah..." "OK..." "She don't want one." "Oh, come on!" "I DO know her!" "You can know someone without meeting' 'em, y'know." "Look, what's the big deal?" "She's bringing a mate, I'm bringing you." "No, I won't!" "'Cos I'm not ringing her, saying, "Text a photo of your friend for Smithy." "'He wants to see if she's a minger'." "It's too late now, anyway..." "All right." "Hiya, Gav." "All right, Mum?" "No, not really." "I'm absolutely shattered." " I've been crying all afternoon." " How come?" "That Pet Rescue." "There was this badger, and all its litter died, and you could actually see the mother badger crying." " I don't think badgers can cry, Mum." " Nor did I, my little prince." "But I know what I saw, and it's knocked me for six." "Still, life goes on." "Your dad'll be home in a minute, and those steaks won't cook themselves." "And will you please make sure you stay with Nessa at all times." "Do not let her out of your sight." "I don't know why you think Nessa's any safer than me." "She's a big girl..." "Gets it from her father." "If she's one iota of his aggression inside her, you'll be OK." " We don't know anything about Gavin." " He might be a paedophile." " He wouldn't be interested in me, would he?" " He might be grooming you." "Your Uncle Bryn's coming around with the rape alarm." " He tried for pepper spray, but he haven't had no luck." " Oh, Mam!" " All right?" " Hey, love." "Where's your stuff?" " What, that's it?" " I got my sling, a packet of feminine wipes and 60 Regal." "What more do I need?" " What about your toothbrush?" " I got Tic Tacs." "Oh, tell me you are joking." "We're only going for one night." "I've been looking forward to this all day long." "You're too good to me, sweetcheeks, you are, really." " Good day, Dad?" " Yeah, not bad, mate." "I left work at two just to play the full 18 with Chalky and Woodruffe." "Don't tell your mother." "How did you get on?" " Not bad." "A couple of birdies." " What's that?" "A couple of birdies in the bush in the front garden when I got in from work." "You wanna get a life, Michael." "Gavin doesn't wanna now about birds in the bush." "Good job he's playing golf tomorrow, eh, Gav?" " What on earth have you got there?" " I'm on the Atkins." "You what?" "Atkins means - unlike you two," "I'm not entitled to any carbohydrates, vis-a-vis chips." "So I have substituted my chips by having two extra steaks." "Three steaks?" "Are you mad?" "No." "It's not three steaks, it's one steak for me as an actual steak, one as a substitute for my chips and one as a substitute for my peas." " But you're eating half a cow, woman!" " Right." "That's it." " I knew you'd say something." "I'll starve." " Mum, come on!" "No, Gavin." "I've had enough." "I've tried." "God knows I've tried." "Fve done the lot." "Pilates." "Doesn t work." "Can't do cabbage soup, you don't like the smell." "Now I can't have steak." " Oh, for the love of Mike." " Dad, she's on a diet." " Look, I'm sorry, have the sodding steaks." " No." "And d'you know why?" "Because you will be up that golf club tomorrow and you'll be giving it all this." "'D'you know what my wife Pamela had last night?" "'" "'D'you what my fat, disgusting wife Pamela had?" "Three steaks!" "'" "They'll tell their wives, and before you know it I'll be known as Three Steaks Pam." "Like when I had a urine infection." "Look what they called me then." " Just eat the steaks." " Oh, you'd love that, wouldn't you?" "Well, no Michael." "You are gonna watch me starve." " Prepare to watch your wife starve, potentially to death." " Gav-la?" " Pam-la?" "Michael?" " Hello, Smithy!" " Ah, darling!" " Pamela, you're looking beautiful!" "Oh, stop it!" " Would you like a steak?" " One going, is there?" "Due to recent events, there happens to be three going." "Three?" "I just had shepherd's pie, but I'll take two of them on." " You not eating, Pam?" " Er, no, Smithy." "And this may be the last time you ever see me." " Give it a rest!" " Chuck us that sauce." "So I said to him, 'Oh, scaghead." "Do what you like." "'It's your life." "I'm not about to tell you how to live it." "I wouldn't tell myself how to live my life." "But don't come round here peddling your wares, cos I've got a business to run.'" "But you haven't a business to run." "Between twelve and two, I am in charge." "At that particular moment," "I was in charge." "So yes, I do have a business to run, as it goes." " Only me!" " Hiya!" "I got the alarm." " Oh, hi, Ness." " All right, Bryn?" " How's it going down the slots?" " I won't lie to you, Bryn." "I hates it." "Barry Island's not what it used to be, but what can you do?" "Times change." "People move on." " What do I owe you for that alarm, Bryn?" " Don't worry - this one's on me." " No, come on." " 'Ey, these things are important." "My brother would turn in his grave if he thought I wasn't looking after his little girl." "And the truth is, I don't want anyone in this room being raped, myself included." " That's very good of you, love." " Aye." "Fair play." "Oh, thanks, Uncle Bryn." "'Ey, come on, don't get me started now." "Right!" "The man in the shop says I should give you a little demonstration." "So, Stace," "I want you to run at me as if to all intents and purposes you were my attacker." "You don't have to show me." "I can work it out myself." "Stace, tomorrow morning you are travelling to London, England, to meet a boy you've never met before." "I offered to come with you." "You said, 'No.' I offered to drive and wait in the car." "You said, 'No.'" "Now, you've met me halfway on the rape alarm - at least have the decency to let me give you a demonstration because, I tell you this for nothing, if you come back on Sunday raped and I showed you how to use it," "I'll rest easy in my bed." "You come back on Sunday raped, the fault will lie solely at your door." "So, please, attack me." "Oh, no, no." "What are you doing?" "You've got to put a bit of aggression into it." "Stace, sit down." "Ness, you have a go." "Not too late to back out, y'know." "All it takes is one phone call." " No, I've got to meet her." "I wanna meet her." " Really?" " Yeah, it's exciting." " Maybe it is exciting, but you know what they say about excitement?" " What?" "It's by the by." "Look." "I was talking to Gary and Simon about you, and we're worried." " Why?" " You're putting all your eggs in one bag." "She's Welsh!" "She might not even turn up." "All I'm saying is don't get your hopes up." "Since when did you became an expert on relationships?" "You've only had one girlfriend, she's just turned 17." "So forgive me if I don't hang on your every word regarding my love life." "17-and-three-quarters and she got 90% in her driving theory test." "Look, you don't have to come." "I'll go on me own." "You're not going on your own to meet up with two freaks!" "Stacey's not a freak." "She might not be but her mate could be a complete nutter." "Course she won't be!" " You perverted piece of shit!" " Put him down, Nessa!" "You make me sick!" " Is that the sort of thing you meant, then?" " Yes." " Night, Ness." " Night, Stace." " Forgotten your case, Ness?" " Don't be a twat, Dave." "I had the best night of my life with that woman." " Are we all right to smoke, then?" " Animal." "Absolute animal." " Dave?" " What?" "Oh, sorry luv..." "Smoking?" "Yeah." "My motto is 'Fags and weed, glue and speed, but I draws the line at crack'." " That way, everyone knows where they stand." " Oh, fair play." " THAT is de-bloody-beautiful!" " Yeah, it is nice." "This beer is allowed to ferment for nine years in North Rhine-Westphalen, home of Munchengladbach FC, and is considered one of Germany's best-kept secrets." "Right, Gav-la..." "I think you'll agree, that THAT is easily worth an 8.5." "Gav?" " Gavin?" " Yeah?" "Yeah, whatever." " This was your idea!" " What?" "This!" "You came to my house." "You said, "Let's try every beer around the world within 12 months."" "I said, "No, you'll never do it." You said, "Come on." "I said, "No." You said, "Please?" I said, "Fine."" "Now I'm the only one who gives a shit!" "Gary and Simon dropped out after Belgium." "I don't know where Fingers is." "But you!" "Once things turned up a notch with Stacey, you've gone missing!" "The lights are on, but everyone's gone out." "I wash my hands of you." " Smithy..." " And if this mate of hers turns out to be a munter, that could be it for me and you." "Are you drinking that?" " I'm just too nervous, mate." " Right." "Well..." " There she is." " Where?" " There!" "Oh, my God." "Right, come on." "But where's her mate?" "Oi!" "Where's her mate?" "!" "Stacey?" "Oh, my God!" ".." "Hiya!" "When did you get here?" "I thought you weren't gonna come!" "I've only been here ten minutes." " I like your cardi." " Cheers." "River Island." "Oh, so is my belt!" "Amazing!" "Oh, sorry, mate." "Stace, this is Smithy." " Hiya, Stacey, all right?" "Heard a lot about you." " Heard a lot about you, too." " Came on your own in the end then, did you?" "Or... ?" "What?" "Oh, no, no, I came with..." "Oh, here she is now!" "Nessa!" "Oh for. .." " This is Vanessa." " Six quid for two slices of pizza!" "They take the piss, these Cockneys." " Ness!" " What?" " This is Gavin." " All righ', Gav?" "How's it going, all righ'?" "Yeah, great." "Er... andthisis Smithy." " Right..." "Well, shall we get a drink?" " Yeah, great!" " Oh, Stace!" "D'you not want this now?" " No, I'm not hungry any more!" "Yeah, might as well." " Oh, it's a bit dead in here." " I don't mind, it's well base" "What do you want to drink?" "I'll have a white wine spritzer and Ness will have a gin and tonic." " All right." "All right, er, yeah - two beers, double gin and tonic, white wine spritzer." "And eight After Shocks." "What?" "Smithy?" "This is a nightmare of epic proportions." "What's wrong with her?" "A - how old is it?" "!" "B - have you seen the tattoo?" "!" " And 3 - look at the size of it!" " What d'you mean?" " She's massive!" " She's not." " She's huge." " With respect, Smithy..." " I'm big, I'll give you that." "Sorry, the size of that..." "Look at it!" " Hey!" "All right?" "Been powdering your nose?" "Oh thanks, Stace." "Thanks a lot." " What?" " Look, let's get one thing straight." "I don't touch that shit no more, all right?" "I did... and now I don't." "So let that be an end to it." "Oh, Nessa!" "And D - to top it all off - she's a drug addict!" "Brilliant!" "Cheers, mate." " I'm so hot!" " I know." "I'm wet through!" "I can't believe this, you know." "You what?" " This!" "Us, I can't believe it!" " I know." " It's better than I thought it would be." " It's like I've known you ages." " Like I've known you for life." " What?" "Like I've known you all my life." " I was so worried you wouldn't like me." " You what?" " I was so nervous." " Yeah, me too!" " Look, Stace, I just want you to know..." " Sorry?" " I just want you to know..." " I can't hear you!" "I just wanted to..." "..say that." "Smithy!" "Train goes in 20 minutes!" "You don't have to go, y'know." "Not if you don't want to." " What, you mean come back?" " Yeah." "Well, if you like." "It's up to you." "I don't want you to think that..." "Gavin, I'm asking you to come back with me." "S'all right, mate." "You get the train." "I'm gonna go back with erm..." " Nessa." " Nessa, that's it." "Can I have a word?" "You got any johnnies?" "I ain't going in there bareback." " We'll have to stop off at a garage on the way." " Are you in?" " I think so." " Quality!" "Quality." " Well have to make a stop, girls." " What for?" " Well we might have to... erm..." "get some..." " Don't worry." "I got a stash..." "Ribbed." " Taxi!" "There's no mini bar." " I'll order some room service, shall I?" " Yeah." "Gav," "I'm not bein' funny, but it's half two now and we're leaving in eight hours." "We all know what's gonna happen, who wants what... so why not cut to the chase and we can all get some?" " And they say romance is dead." " Don't be a prick, Gav." "Right, Stace, how d'you want to do this?" "Well, we'll have this bed, you have that one." " Switch the lights off and get on with it." " Right." "Hang on, are you serious?" "Those beds are like two feet apart." "I don't give a shit." "I just feel a little bit uncomfortable!" "OK." "OK, as a mate... we'll go in the en suite." "Yeah?" "Nessa?" "All right..." "but only for the first one." "I hopes you're hungry, big boy." "Come on!" "Get in here now." "Bit of music?" "Sorry." "Bloody thing..." "Hang on, let's try this." "I love this one." "Right." "D'you want a drink, then?" " Gavin..." " I can go down to the bar if you like..." " Gav..." " I'm easy..." "I just don't..." "We can talk if you want." "This is so lush." "Mmm." "It is." "It's totally lush." "Oh, fucking hell." "Oh God!" "Oh!" "Dirty!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "That's it." "Oh!" "Oh!" "Now we're talking." "Oh, yeah." "Oh..." "Ow!" "Ow!" "OW!" "Oh, God!" "Ooooh, God." " Oh, Stace, don't wake him." " Why?" "I'm not being funny, right now you look like shit." "Last night you looked cracking." "Let that be the memory." "Good point." "I'll leave a note." " What about Smithy?" " No, leave him." "His breath is rank and mine's not much better." "Smithy!" "Smithy!" "Oh, God." "Oh, my God." " Come on, mate, we haven't got time for this." " Ohh..." "I feel like I've been abused!" "Look, I wanna say goodbye properly." "Their coach leaves in half an hour." "Oh God, the guilt." "Oh, the guilt!" "Oh, what about Lucy?" "I'm going to have to confess." "No, mate!" "Look, what's the point?" "I've got to!" "No you don't!" " I have!" " Why?" " You don't understand!" "She did things..." "Mate... she put things... in" "Did Stacey..." "Listen, did Stacey...?" "Did she...?" "Did she stick anything...?" "Smithy, I can't believe you're even asking me?" "!" "I am not discussing anything about last night with you!" "I need to know whether this is something that just..." "Oh..." " Nessa." " Nessa." "Whether it's something just she does or is it a Welsh thing?" "Why does it matter?" "If it's something everybody does I don't need to see a doctor." " Get dressed!" " All right!" "Oh, God!" "Don't suppose I can tempt you to a Chinese down mine later?" "Oh, Dave, when are you going to learn?" "You could buy me all the chocolates, all the chow mein you like, but it won't wash, and you knows why." "Back off or I'll tell everyone on that coach about my trip to the doctor's, is that what you want?" "No." "Sorry." "Look, I think you're a cracking bloke, Dave, but let's face it   you're riddled." " I know." "How is everything, er, down there, by the way?" "Shipshape and shiny now, no thanks to you." "Stacey!" "Stacey!" " Oh, God!" " I had to say goodbye." "You, er... forgot this." "Oh. tidy." " So I'll give you a ring." " Why?" " Well, y'know..." " Oh, get a life, Smithy." "Oh, Stace!" "Come on, babes." "I'll see you again really soon." " Don't." " What?" "Don't promise me nothin'." "If this is all it's meant to be," "I'm still so happy I met you!" " Right." "KFC?" " No, mate, there's something I gotta do." " Taxi!" " What?" "Where are you going?" "I've got to go home." "Billericay, please mate." " I thought we were going to share a bucket?" "!" " Are you coming or what?" "Cheers, mate." "Gav?" "Gavin?" " How did it go?" " Brilliant." " What's she like?" " I'll tell you later." "See you then." " What on earth's going on?" " Don't ask!" "All I know is I'm so ravenous I can barely see!" "Do you want a Pammy's full English?" " You read my mind!" " How about you, Smithy?" " Did you have a good time?" " Not really, no." "Oh, my God!" " What you doin' here?" "!" " I said I'd see you soon, didn't I?" "What's up?" "Nothing." "What?" " It's stupid..." " Stace?" "It's just..." "I told myself... if ever I saw you again in the flesh, like, that I'd..." "What?" "That I'd tell you something." "But I can't." "Oh, Stace, I'm going for a curry with Dave." "I'll call you tomorrow." "If you say it, I'll say it back." " I love you." " I love you too." " What's that?" " Just my rape alarm!"