"Previously on Weeds:" "I got busted." "Head of campus security at Valley State." " You just got jacked." "Here." "This is yours." "If you need protection on campus, just ask for me." "You still owe me 150 G's, lady." "How am I supposed to put food on my table?" " You keep upping my deck." " Get a fucking job." "Chop that shit up." "Move it." " Can you grow here?" " Hell, yeah, it's perfect." "Shame it's all for U-turn." "Silas Botwin, you're sentenced to six months community service." "An injury may have rendered you unfit for duty in the past." "I'm afraid times have changed." " What?" " Welcome to the Army." " Your battle buddy is a Siamese twin." " You're gonna shit when I shit." " Why are you doing this?" " I laid everything on the line for you and you fucked me." "Keshisyan says goodbye." " Peter?" "He's dead?" " Yes!" "I'll tell you how you can help me now." "Make the bags lighter." "Agent Fundis, DEA." "I'm here to talk about Peter Scottson." "We broke up, me and Peter Scottson." "He hasn't come into work for days, and we haven't heard from him." "It's unusual." "I don't know." " We broke up." " Look, Mrs. Botwin, I'm his partner." " The one who burps?" " It's reflux." "When did you last speak with him?" "A few days ago." "He brought oranges." "Do you want them?" " Why would I want them?" " I have no idea." " Listen, we broke up." " I think we established that." "When he brought the citrus over, did he say anything to you?" "Where he was going?" "What he might be up to?" "Work stuff?" "No." "He didn't talk about work much." "I didn't even know what he did till I tried on his jacket once by mistake." "I was cold and I had to pee." "About the breakup, we were just, you know, in different places." "I think we just wanted different things." "I think he was working on some undercover investigation on his own which is stupid, but even when he goes indie he calls to let me know everything's fine." "He knows I worry." "I hope nothing's wrong." "Well, if you hear from Peter, I'd like you to give me a call." "He really liked you." "Thanks for your time, Mrs. Botwin." "Where is Peter?" "We broke up." "Is that gonna be a problem?" " No." " What makes you so sure?" "Mommy just knows." "Behold, the incorporated city of Majestic a city experiencing a rate of growth few people could have anticipated." "Now, we've been a noisy neighbour, and for that I want to apologise." "That sound you heard coming from the east, the west, the north houses popping up like so many California wildflowers well, that is the sound of an economic miracle." "A month ago, our own city council had a session trying to come up with a new town logo." "Something we could put on our signs, our brochures." "Italy is shaped like a boot Sicily, the ball that's about to be kicked." "Majestic is shaped like a..." "Well, some people say a horseshoe." "Others, a smile." "But for some of us who are aware of a particular infrastructure problem facing Majestic, well, we saw a different image." "In the midst of all our backslapping we forgot a fundamental principle of smart growth:" "If you're gonna poop, make sure you can flush." "What we need is a bowl." "Agrestic is that bowl." "Now, in exchange for the right to redirect a small portion of our sewage through your town we'll retrofit your sewage system with the most advanced technology available at no cost to you." "We'll also grant you unrestricted access to all our recreational facilities including our nondenominational modern house of worship the Absolute Truth Ministry of Majestic." "Now, I know these are tough times for Agrestic." "Tax base is shrinking while the cost of maintaining basic services is rising." "But it doesn't have to be that way." "We're neighbours." "And this is a hand extended over the fence." " Thank you, Mr. Groff." " Sullivan, please." "Sullivan." "Dumb name." " Education." " Two-and-a-half semesters at Berkeley." "Graduated Berkeley with honours." "No lying." "They can check these things." "This is Agrestic." "No one's gonna check." "You're gonna look lame and stay unemployed if you don't lie because everybody else does." "Shane, remember that guy who came to the door last night?" " Peter's friend?" " Yeah." "You haven't seen him, like, lurking around, have you?" "Seen his Impala parked around?" " Lurking?" " Lurking." "No, I haven't." "Why would he be lurking?" "Does he know you're a drug dealer?" "No, I don't think so." "I just..." "I hear he's a lurker." " Mom, can you type?" " With two fingers." "Proficient typing skills." "Now, what kind of job do you want?" "Anything, so long as there's no folding, lifting or scooping involved." "Then I'll give you a graduate degree in English and we'll take it from there." "Let's not overdo it." "I'm just proud of you." "What for?" "Getting a real job." "Well, thank you, Shane." "Go, go, go!" " Come on." " Get your asses over here right now." "Let's go." "Move it out." "Let's go, Botwin, Rodriguez." "Get your cock-violated asshole up that rope, Botwin." "So help me, if you don't, I will rip out your large intestine and string you up by your tiny pecker with it." " How fucking cool is this?" " We're both gonna die." " Let's go." "Move it." " Actually, you're gonna die." "I'm gonna hide under your corpse, and pretend I'm dead." "I ain't gonna be nobody's dead-body blanket." "We're gonna get them first." "We don't speak the language." "We know nothing about their culture." "We'll have the newest fuck-you-up-good technology." " The insurgents are dead." " We're the fucking insurgents." "So?" "We're the goddamn U.S.A. We're the best." "We're the coolest, richest, most righteous nation on Earth." "We're a debt-laden nation of religious hypocrites." "All we do well is shop and drive gas-guzzling SUVs." " You're fucking un-American." " Botwin!" "Rodriguez!" "Get your cornholing, shit-stained asses over here front and centre." "What's with all the recurring homophobic imagery?" "I'm starting to worry about this guy." "I think they're onto you, man." "You're gonna get court-martialled for that Muslim-loving shit you spout." "Yeah?" "They're calling you over too." "I want you to return to your barracks, change and report to my office in nine minutes." " Not eight, not 10." "Is that clear?" " What's up?" "Botwin, you do not ever ask a commanding officer what's up." "He's not your fucking friend." "He's your goddamn master your motherfucking God." " You hear me, sperm-breath?" " Yeah." " It's "Yes, sergeant."" " Yes, sergeant." "Fall out." "Move it." "Pretend like I'm getting ready to put my foot up your..." "Lights on the church work." " How awesome is this?" " Come on, Doug." "It's my turn." "So are we prepared to commit our city to being Majestic's bowl because the guy next door brought a cool model?" " I'm not sold." " Do you understand the numbers?" " I do." " And?" "And we have to be able to renegotiate on our terms, not theirs." " Otherwise we..." " What's going on?" "I thought that we dealt with this last night." "We did." " Why are you here?" " Why am I here?" "Why is he here?" " Slumming." " Yeah." "And it's a good thing because no one here knows his ass from a spreadsheet." "Or her ass, as the case may be." "Well, thanks for coming by, but we don't need you." "We agreed to hire an independent accountant who is gonna walk us through the entire proposal." "It's in the minutes." " Right, Sarah?" " The city coffers are empty, Celia." "Doug, what's your take on this Majestic proposal?" "Basically, Majestic's overflowing river of crap has got no place to go but through us, like a fiscal colonic." "We got them by their sphincter." "Shit Highway could be our road to riches." "Our road to riches?" "You know, the last time I checked, you weren't even on the council." ""Graduated Berkeley with honours." "Associate editor, Oxford University Press."" " What division were you in?" " Sorry?" "What division?" "Academic Books, Reference, Trade?" "Academic." "Textbooks, mostly." "History, lots of Civil War stuff." " Reconstruction." " And how did you like New York?" "Oh, it was big, dirty." "Lots of people." "Coconut." "Nice." "You're a very beautiful woman." "I bet you look good rolling right out of bed in the morning." "Or in it the night before." "I have my moments." "If I hire you, I'll be paying for the right to make comments like that, okay?" "As long as you're okay with being shot down every time." "I like you, Nancy Botwin." "You're an operator." "The résumé's bullshit of course but the mind is there." "Here's what I do." "I sell values-based communities which means I and you need to act the part." "Crucifix pin in the lapel, a smile on the face, and a pleasant word for everyone." "No fucking the crews like my former assistant and broadcasting it on the Internet." "Oh, I don't do porn so much anymore." "I found it very tiring." "Now, Majestic is my ninth community and by far the most ambitious." "A lot comes through that door that needs to be dealt with." "For instance, today, I need to find personalised gifts for every member of city council, and I have no idea what they'd like." "I can do that." "I know the people on the council." "I figured, since it was Celia Hodes who recommended that I speak to you." " Celia?" " I think this is referred to as "kismet."" "There." "Hey, space-shot." "You just got yourself a job." "You start Monday." "Can't believe they expect us to do this job straight." "Yeah." " Mrs. Gruber?" " Silas." "Did you know that if you drink and take Ambien you can randomly black out and run your car into a boulder?" "Totalled the Volvo." "Who's that cute Latino guy?" "Hey." " It's so hot." " Yeah." "Why don't you take your shirt off?" " I'm fine." " You have nothing to be ashamed of." "You're young and lean, like ostrich meat." " Have you been drinking, Mrs. Gruber?" " Don't tell." "Anyway, it isn't illegal unless you're behind the wheel of a car, is it?" "I guess not." "I'm wet." "How you know how high to hang those lights?" "Thirty inches above the plant makes for optimum output in a space this size." " And you control the temperature too?" " Not just the temperature." "Also humidity so the plant don't grow bacteria and fungus." "Anything else you wanna know, I'm a wealth of information." "You're kind of impressed, aren't you?" "You like, "That Conrad, he know what he talking about."" "Yeah, if your dick was half as smart as your brain you would've stayed far away from that girl like I told you." "If we're gonna work together, you gotta get off my dick, dumb as it might be." "Ain't gonna happen otherwise." "Fair enough." "They need us, and we need them." "Let's be their bowl." "No." "This is a closed session, Mr. Wilson." "Hold that thought." "I have an announcement to make." "For personal reasons, I've decided to give up my position on the city council." " In accordance with our bylaw..." " For fuck's sake." " Section 324, Paragraph C, we are hereby compelled to elect an interim council member to replace me until the next election." "I'm opening up the floor to nominations." " I nominate Doug Wilson." " I second the Wilson nomination." "All those in favour of the resolution to elect Doug Wilson, say aye." " Aye." " Oh, you guys." " All those against?" " Nay." "The resolution passes." "Doug Wilson will take my seat on the council, effective immediately." "No, this can't possibly be legal." " It is." " And what makes you so sure?" "I wrote the bylaws." "So now that that's that, I would like to open up a new order of business." "Since there's no conflict of interest I would like to nominate Mitch Kamin to contract all requisite landscaping that will accompany Shit Highway." " This is bullshit." " No, Celia, it's human shit." "You gotta get on the same page with us." "I'm not gonna allow this to happen." "You are not going to turn this into your little corrupt kingdom again." "This time there's going to be checks and balances." "There's going to be oversight." " Are you hearing me?" " I'm shaking." "No." " Here we go." " Pass it down, pass it down." "Here's to shit." "Fill them up, let's go." "Mommy got a job." " Ice cream for everybody." " I'm the only one home." "Well, then more for us." "What's your job?" "I'm the new West Coast head of Random House." "Mom, that's great." "I told you." "Yes!" "Actually, I'm executive assistant to the head of the Majestic project." "By the way, darling, they do check résumés so let's thank God Mommy smells like coconut." " Hello?" " Where the fuck's my money?" "Hold on." "I'll be right back, sweetie." "Hey, guess what." "I got a job." "Your job is being my bitch." "Where the fuck is my money?" "Okay, I'm having a little difficulty moving your brick at the moment." "It's motherfucking weed." "Everybody loves that shit." " Sell it and bring me the money." " The DEA came to my house." " I can't make a move now." " The fuck you can't." "DEA been up my ass since I popped out of my mama's sacred place." " That don't stop me one bit." "Fuck them." " Afraid I don't have your confidence." "Then find it, bitch." "Fuck, Yevgeni." "Not so hard." "Look, I want my money, you hear me?" "Sell the weed to the fucking DEA, all I care." "No more excuses." " City and state, please." " Santa Lejas, California." " Listing." " Valley State Campus Security." "I don't mean to quibble, Mrs. Botwin." "I don't wanna invite another visit from your friends but some of these bags look a little light to me." "Look, I assure you, they're not light." "It's just an airy plant." " Look, you want it or not?" " Yeah, I'll take it." "I don't have the money on me so I'll be right back." " Why would you not bring the money?" " I don't know." "You make me nervous." "I make you nervous?" "Yeah." "You're scary." "You're the scary lady drug dealer with thugs." "That's me." "Go get the money." " Leave the bag." "Go get the money." "Now." " Okay, okay." "I'll be right back." "That's right, you will." "I have to drive to where the money is so you wanna come with me, or wait here, or what?" "I'll wait here." "I'll be right over there on that bench, okay?" " Yeah." " Make it snappy." "Yeah." "This is boring." "Gets us out of that fucking obstacle course." "All right, give me that phone." " They said not to fuck with it." " I'm not gonna, I just wanna look at it." "Come on." " What would happen if we made a call?" " We're not supposed to make calls." "We're just to turn it on, stand here, and let some drone take pictures of us." " What are you doing?" " Making a postcard." "How...?" "Hey, that's funny." " Give me your lighter." " What for?" "I want you to take a picture of me lighting my fart." "Okay." "That's the spirit." "Hey." "Jesus, lady." "I thought you were someone else." "Come on." "Come on." "Oh, this phone has video." "We can make a movie." " Fuck." " What's the matter?" " I got nothing, I'm tensing up." " Fuck." "Give me that." "Let me show you how it's done, all right?" "All right." "Okay." "Okay, hold on." "Now point the camera at my ass." "Hurry." "I don't wanna see your balls, man." "Tuck them in." " There, there." "Fine." " Okay." "Ready?" "Okay." "It's coming." "Oh, and it's a good one." "Here it comes." " Hey, what is that?" " It's showtime." "Fuck." "Holy shit." "Oh, God." "Something." "Something, something." "Evidence." "Sorry, battle buddy." "Please." "Just like Paris, huh?" " Sullivan." " I owe you a thank-you." "Your friend Nancy, it's gonna work out." "Thanks." "Honestly, the poor thing could really use help." "You know, entering the job market, you know, at her age." "That crouton thing they do on top of the soup?" "Not good." "Try the croque-monsieur next time, or the quiche." "Well, you seem to know your way around here." "I travel a lot." "There's a Café du Marseilles in just about every city." "Same menu, same framed posters, same smell." "There's a certain comforting predictability to it." "Do you live around here?" "Sort of, yeah." "Yeah, I sort of..." "I am..." "I'm in a hotel." "Temporarily." "Are you in the All Suites?" "That's where I am." "No." "No, I'm..." "I'm staying in one of the other ones." "Listen, what do you say we dump this crap and go someplace where the lighting's better and there's a full bar?" "I'm buying." "Yeah, thank you." "I think maybe another time, though." "I insist." "Why eat alone?" "I actually have someplace I need to be." "Totally forgot." "I'm sorry." "I have to go now." "Thank you, though." "Here." "A rain cheque should you reconsider." "First new message." "I know you been dodging my calls, bitch." "Did you move my brick?" "I want my money." "If I don't hear from you soon I'm gonna pay you and yours a little visit." "I got a guy on payroll that just thinks of fuck ed-up shit to do to people." "Next message." "You're gonna be late." "It's okay." "You know, this community-service thing is totally unsupervised." "Every morning they tell me where to go and what to do but no one even bothers to check and see if I show up or not." "I still want you showing up." "The thing is I can pretty much do anything I want." "No one's watching me." "No one." " I'm watching." " Plus, I meet lots of really cool people." "People who like to have fun." "People who would pay to have fun." "This is a nonstarter." "I will never let you deal." "You don't have a choice." "I know you don't." "It's too dangerous." "I don't want this for you." "Come back here." "We'll discuss this later."