"JAKE:" "Are you guys ready for this?" "BILLY:" "Yes, yes." "Here it comes!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "(CHUCKLES)" "(LAUGHING)" "Oh my God!" "That's so weird." "GUNDERSON:" "Oh!" "Oh!" "Wow." "Why don't we hang out more often?" "I told you he can still do it." "I told you." "All right." "Yes, you can vomit without finger penetration." "You're a freak of nature." "Thank you." "You must be so proud of yourself." "You say that like it's no big deal." "Oh, you must be so..." "That's not easy to do by the way." "That actually burned more than I thought it would." "BILLY:" "That was amazing." "GUNDERSON:" "Yeah." "BILLY:" "Ah!" "Here he is." "ALL:" "Rocks!" "GUNDERSON:" "It's a time warp BILLY:" "Yeah!" "ROCKS:" "Hey, we can let go, we don't..." "GUNDERSON:" "How are you doing?" "JAKE:" "Oh, God." "Look at this we're getting the band back together." "This is weird." "This is weird, but us." "Holy shit, all right!" "Welcome to my final day in New York City." "So, if you'll just follow me, it begins." "GUNDERSON:" "Here we go." "JAKE:" "All right." "Hey!" "All right." "BILLY:" "Yes." "Yeah." "Did you burn your legs out?" "Whoo!" "Let's go guys!" "Yeah!" "Hey, what'd you think about to make yourself throw up?" "Uh, the future." "Oh!" "Are you gonna tell him?" "Tell me what?" "It sucks." "Maybe I'll just bail." "Bail?" "Bail on what, Billy?" "BILLY:" "You don't think I should?" "You don't think I should?" "Guys, what the hell are you talking about?" "GUNDERSON:" "You don't wanna go to work, don't go to work." "Whoa!" "Work?" "You're kid..." "Today?" "You shitting me?" "I have to go." "Come on." "No, no, no." "Look, like, yesterday, my partner cornered me at the..." "At the firm and he said because we have this..." "Not today." "It's just gonna be like, for an hour." "All right." "Ready?" "Hold on." "Hold on." "Three, two, one, go." "Go!" "Oh!" "Not even close." "Not even close." "Oh!" "I wasn't looking." "Did you see?" "I'm sorry, ladies, are you missing a little boy?" "Okay..." "Is this little boy yours?" "Okay." "He's not yours?" "He's just following us." "We don't know whose he is." "I have to pee." "Oh, God I have to pee." "Could be a different city." "Correct." "Yeah." "So, even if you're clothed when you have an erection Exactly." "Yes." "that's out and greasy." "Okay." "Up to two is this?" "JAKE:" "All right." "All right." "Time to start drinking." "Wanna make a toast." "260 blocks, the entire length of Manhattan, my final day in the city, so..." "To one last great adventure." "Okay, just real quick." "Does it have to be last?" "How about another?" "Sure." "You got it." "Really?" "Wait a second, you know what, how about..." "It's his toast." "Let him have his toast." "Another in the long series of..." "All right, fine." "In a long series of adventure." "(STAMMERS) Maybe just..." "How about one?" "To coming and semen." "You got it." "I like it." "I'll drink to that." "To coming and semen." "Yeah." "And all the joy they provide." "ROCKS:" "Yeah?" "Yeah." "Oh wow!" "Did you hold up?" "It's like, it's like giving head to a fine gentleman." "(CHUCKLES)" "Give me that." "BILLY:" "All right." "Ah!" "Careful." "Okay." "All right." "We gotta get moving, guys, this island's not gonna walk itself." "260 blocks." "(CAR HORNS BLARING)" "JAKE:" "All right, now is as good a time as any." "A robber walks into your house." "ALL:" "Oh." "That's what I'm talking about." "Robber walks into your house, he puts a gun to your head, says, Sophie's Choice, you gotta pick one or I'll shoot you in the face." "All right." "Option one is..." "This is just occurring to me, but why is he a robber?" "Uh, you meet the love of your life..." "I mean, what's he robbing?" "You of your time." "This woman is perfect." "She's like." "An 11 out of 10." "All right." "She got this incredible body and the sex is great." "Intelligent." "Is that intelligent sex?" "Don't worry about it, you're never gonna have it." "I'm gonna go on." "All right, so time comes in the relationship, about six months in..." "Where it's time to meet her family, okay?" "So you all decide to go away to a little county house, just you and her and her folks, for about two weeks." "But you all share one bathroom." "That's important." "All right, now for the entire time you're there, remember, two weeks, long time." "Every time you have to take a shit, you do it..." "(CLEARS THROAT)" "You have to take a shit in the bathtub." "(CHUCKLES)" "All right, okay." "Boom!" "Okay, all right, wait I'll tell you what I'd do." "I would just hold it in." "You can't." "You can't hold it in." "Why not." "Firstly, it's impossible." "Secondly, it's against the rules." "And thirdly after you leave that dookie in the bathtub, you have to deny it forever." "You can never say that it was you." "Wow." "BILLY:" "Is this a museum?" "ROCKS:" "Well, that ends the relationship, so fine." "Not necessarily, I mean, remember, this is like, the perfect woman, so she might forgive you" "BILLY:" "Got it." "Shit down the drain." "Shit down the drain." "GUNDERSON:" "Geez, Billy." "BILLY:" "What?" "I'm just trying to understand the parameters of the scenario." "ROCKS:" "What's option number two?" "JAKE:" "Uh, right." "Option two." "Okay, so..." "For the next year, starting tomorrow, everywhere you go, you, and only you are responsible for taking two cars." "(CHUCKLES)" "So, the logistics..." "(MAN SHUSHES)" "Uh, so think about it." "If you need to go to work, then you need to drive there, then you have to somehow get back, walk or cab or something." "And then you have to take another car, then you're there." "Can you..." "No, you can't walk." "Can..." "And no you can't take the subway." "Okay?" "You can't tow the car." "You can't get a ride." "Nothing like that." "Okay." "Uh..." "What kind of gas mileage do these get?" "What is the matter with you?" "How do you clothe and feed yourself seriously?" "How are you such an asshole?" "Practice." "Okay." "Yeah?" "All right." "I, okay option two is take two cars and..." "Option one is fortnight of in-law bathtub shitting." "Yeah." "Okay." "Not even a question." "I'm gonna go option two." "Uh." "Take the two cars..." "Why is that not a question?" "'Cause I can't even imagine what Emma's parents would do." "I don't even wanna see it." "Yeah." "If I was to shit in their bathtub." "It's true and she shouldn't forgive you." "Nightmare." "No." "Shouldn't..." "Where is your sense of romance?" "I mean this is the love of your life we're talking about." "Yeah but the love of your life should leave you if you defecate in the bathtub." "You're..." "Don't knock freestyle defecation, man." "Okay, so that's what you would do." "You're a bathtub, bathtub kinda guy?" "I'm not knocking it" "I just wanna be honest about it." "I'm just..." "I'm not You don't have to lie about it playing this game" "I find it childish and silly." "(CHUCKLES)" "Classic Gunderson." "Do they have museums in Ohio?" "Oh fuck." "(CHUCKLES) Fuck you." "You couldn't help yourself." "No, do you..." "This is a dumb question." "Is that a serious question?" "What museums are in Ohio?" "Uh, the..." "WOMAN:" "Excuse me." "Sorry." "We'll be quiet." "Yeah." "What is wrong with you?" "Who?" "Which one?" "Don't put your bare feet on the bench up like that." "Come on." "She's right." "Put it down." "Sorry." "Sorry." "People actually have to sit there after you." "I got it." "Put your feet down." "I gotta put my socks on." "WOMAN:" "It's disgusting." "Okay." "You've been moving around and sitting there like a child for 10 minutes." "You're just incredibly rude." "Okay, that's called cognitive dissonance." "Yeah." "Ding ding." "I said, excuse me." "Yeah, okay." "And I said that's what we call cognitive dissonance." "Right, and then I put my sock on." "That's what happened." "So, we've have covered everything." "Come on, Barb." "GUNDERSON:" "Oh, don't drag Barbara into this." "BILLY:" "Yeah." "I'm gonna request that you boys be thrown out." "No." "Wait, wait, no, no, no." "No don't do that." "ALL:" "No." "Why don't we just step outside." "You me, Tweety Bird there." "Let's take you out for a nice juicy steak." "Yeah." "(CHUCKLES)" "ROCKS:" "We're young." "We're flirty." "We're nervous." "I'm nervous around older women." "Because I assume you're older, I'm not sure." "GUNDERSON:" "We could all just have a little fun." "So let me ride the lightning of your love." "I would definitely get that little canary to sit on my finger." "Come on." "(ALL CHUCKLE)" "Fuck you!" "ALL:" "Oh!" "Shhh!" "You're in a museum." "Have some respect." "Excuse me?" "(CHUCKLES) (CHUCKLES)" "You really should get your feet off there." "Oh, dude." "For real it's disgusting." "How old are you?" "She's got a great point." "Really?" "Okay." "Yeah." "(FLUSHING)" "(SHAKING PERMANENT MARKER)" "Billy, let me ask you a question." "Do you have a single independent thought in that head of yours?" "Why are we friends with you again?" "Yeah, why are we even friends with you again?" "GUNDERSON:" "Come on, you love me." "I'm an anarchist, but I'm not a dangerous one." "I don't accept that there's any order in the cosmos but I do want the trains to run." "I mean, I'm just looking at the two of you and..." "You do everything he does, like, you're just..." "You're his shadow." "I mean why did you order an egg cream?" "What are you intimating?" "I love egg creams." "Why else would I order..." "Delicious." "Yes, they are delicious." "Yeah." "You love egg creams?" "Then tell me, lover of egg creams, what's in an egg cream?" "ROCKS:" "You don't have to answer that." "What?" "No, he does." "What's, what's in an egg cream?" "It's fine." "All right, all right I'm gonna tell you." "Okay." "First of all there is chocolate." "Cream." "Chocolate syrup." "Syrup and there are eggs in there." "Seltzer." "Seltzer." "ROCKS:" "Seltzer." "Seltzer." "BILLY:" "And there's Seltzer." "Whole milk..." "Uh, there's..." "You know..." "You know what, there are..." "Who cares what is in the egg..." "I don't..." "All that matters is that they're refreshing and delicious." "Right." "Couldn't agree more." "Okay?" "(TRAIN WHISTLE SOUNDS)" "GUNDERSON:" "Look no one wants to stop you from going and helping your dad, but why are you staying there?" "You don't know anything about rubber and plastic." "JAKE:" "Ach, what's there to know." "And that's not the point anyway." "The point is that it's a stable career and that's what I need." "You know what else is stable?" "Death." "You should try that." "Gee whiz, thanks, buddy." "That makes me feel a whole lot better." "You're welcome." "JAKE:" "What do you want me to do?" "My dad needs me, you know." "He asked for my help and I'm gonna help him." "If I don't go now, he's gonna have to sell." "GUNDERSON:" "I guess I didn't expect you to give up." "Billy, maybe..." "Who said anything about giving up?" "My work is still up at Starving Arts." "You know, like..." "I can still paint from wherever I am, including Ohio." "You know, Tabatha thinks it's very sweet." "Oh, so you're taking advice from your ex-girlfriend?" "Nice." "A friend." "A current friend, as well." "Sure, that's a sound decision." "Jesus, man there's only so many times I can watch my bank account fall before zero before I want to kill myself." "You know, I'm in my thirties..." "And I'm moving into my dad's basement!" "Temporarily, I said." "Temporarily." "Yeah, that's what everyone who moves into their dad's basement says." "Oh my God!" "And 30 years later they murder someone." "Oh, I get it now." "I get it." "So obvious." "Oh. (CHUCKLES) You're gonna miss me." "You know me better than that." "You are." "You're gonna miss me." "Come here." "Give me a goodbye kiss." "Huh?" "No." "Don't touch me." "You think our facial hair is gonna stick together" "Nobody, nobody likes you. like Velcro?" "Baby." "Baby." "GUNDERSON:" "Nobody likes you." "ROCKS:" "I, uh..." "I don't know how anyone can do that." "I have to meet the baby before we name him officially." "Okay, no, I get that but..." "But have you considered Billy?" "Yeah, if he's a humongous pussy." "I'll name him Billy." "Ah, the gallery." "Always look like a coffee shop to me." "(CHUCKLES)" "Hey, Cece." "Where's my stuff?" "CECE:" "Jake." "Ty didn't call you?" "Who, Ty?" "No." "Why?" "What wrong?" "Let's sit." "Okay." "Uh... (CLEARS THROAT)" "McKenze was here." "What?" "Max McKenze?" "He was so drunk." "Oh, he's in town because um..." "'Cause that showing of his, his early work." "It's going on all week down in Soho." "They have a DJ." "And snacks." "Yeah, I know." "He was um..." "(CLEARS THROAT)" "Totally sauced." "And he..." "Well, he thought that you were trying to copy his style." "The whole New York nostalgia thing." "What?" "I tried to explain it to him." "Hold on." "Hold on." "He thought I was copying him?" "He said that?" "He destroyed them." "What the fuck are you talking about?" "Who did?" "Max McKenze destroyed my paintings?" "Jake, I am so sorry." "I am like..." "Wait." "ROCKS:" "Feet are already tired." "BILLY:" "Yeah, I hear you." "I didn't know you got a tattoo." "GUNDERSON:" "Yes Billy, I have a tattoo." "Just saying for the record, I did not know that you did that." "Great story." "(SIGHS) Fuck me..." "CECE:" "I saved this one before he could slice it up." "But not, not before he..." "Peed on it." "Excuse me?" "He what on it?" "That's piss?" "You're always saying how you wanted to collaborate with..." "Max MacKenze, so..." "Now you have." "God, I feel so bad." "He put his paintings up there specifically 'cause that's where McKenze got his start." "Really?" "Yeah." "We should help him." "GUNDERSON:" "You can't help a dead man, as the saying goes." "BILLY:" "That is not a saying." "Maybe not in your limited experience." "Guys, he doesn't want to go back to Ohio." "I mean, he invited Tabatha." "Why did he do that?" "Masochism." "No, he's just looking for a reason to stay." "I'm been shaming the guy all day." "It hasn't made a dent." "The dude is leaving." "No, we can get him to stay." "Listen, I'm gonna somehow, I'm gonna skip this checkup with Emma." "Can you still get out of work, Billy?" "Yeah, but you told me not to skip." "I know but my heart is changed." "No worries." "Done and done." "Okay." "Ooh, and what irrational foolhardy thing should I do?" "You two could stop the constant bickering." "We're not constantly bickering." "Yes we are." "Okay, okay." "You know what guys, let's uh..." "Let's..." "Call it a day." "No." "ALL:" "No, no, no." "It's been great that we got to hang out, but you're busy, we're all busy." "No, not anymore." "No." "No, no, forget it." "It's been taken care of, let's keep walking." "Got a really good idea, I think you'll like it." "Come on, now, Jake." "Yeah?" "Absolutely, come on." "BILLY:" "Let's do this." "Okay." "Come on." "Adventure time." "Let's gonna go down memory lane." "You're gonna love it." "All right." "BILLY:" "It literally looks exactly the same." "Hey man, thanks again for, you know, letting us..." "Uh, yeah, no problem, man." "You guys want some breakfast or..." "Oh, did you just wake up?" "Oh, man remember those days?" "Barely." "(CHUCKLES) What?" "BILLY:" "I had the bed the other way, but still..." "Lotta history in this room, Alex." "Lot of history." "You know there was a fire here, like eight years ago." "Really?" "Yeah." "No, there was no fire." "Stop..." "Don't start calling it a fire again." "Okay?" "Hey, no bickering, right?" "He's just really sensitive about the fire." "Takes a few minutes, but it was like, instantaneous." "Yeah." "This place is so much smaller than I..." "So was there, like a fire or not?" "I try to help." "That's what I do." "I'm a hero." "You know if somebody else like Jake had been there, who know?" "The whole place would have probably burned down." "Okay, there was no fire." "Okay?" "You destroyed everything I owned." "Sorry, man." "BILLY:" "With a fire extinguisher." "Brings up a lot of old issues." "I almost 100% sure there was a fire." "If there was a fire, why wasn't anything in my room burned at all?" "Because I put the fire out." "I prevented your room from burning." "You're welcome!" "Not a single part of the room, Gunderson was in the least bit charred." "Okay?" "And yet, all my photographs and my books and my, my computer, my..." "Magazine collection, my mom's prized collection of presidential campaign buttons dating back to Grover Garfield were completely covered in foam and destroyed." "(STAMMERS) It's just a little difficult to reconcile with this fire that you so heroically put out." "I think the important question is, who the hell is Grover Garfield?" "Okay, I misspoke." "That's not a president." "It's not the..." "Point." "Hi." "No way." "Oh, yeah." "That was here when we got here." "Huh." "MAN:" "Thought it was pretty fucking Gershwin." "JAKE:" "Yeah, it's pretty Gershwin." "JAKE:" "That's a good thing, right?" "MAN:" "Yeah, I guess." "You know, I feel like doing something really dumb." "What do you think?" "Oh, I don't know you." "Uh, guys." "BILLY:" "No, no, I know Mr. Kim." "Larry, sorry." "Yeah, yeah it's just that, it's just flared up." "It's terrible timing and I really wanted to come to work today." "BILLY:" "It's just a general kind of hurting feeling." "Yeah." "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "Uh, no, no, no." "It's a urologist... (INAUDIBLE)" "How much for all those?" "Five?" "How much for everything?" "Squirrel and a hydro post." "It's got a little nut for a football." "What, Rocks thought it was funny." "(BOTH CHUCKLE)" "Bee in your face." "There's a bee in your face." "BILLY:" "I already have an appointment." "You don't have to do that." "It's in the network..." "Don't wanna bother your friend on a Saturday." "ROCKS:" "There he is." "JAKE:" "Hey." "What do you think?" "Hey." "I like it." "JAKE:" "Yeah?" "You gonna leave it here?" "Yeah." "This is kind of a symbolic bathroom for me." "(CLEARS THROAT) Truth be told Tabatha and I actually..." "Had sex in there." "Go on." "It was super uncomfortable." "But, you know I've actually thought about it a lot about it since then and..." "Even though it was awful, honestly awful." "Disgusting... (FLUSHING)" "I think it was maybe one of the most enjoyable sexual encounters of my life." "In retrospect." "It's so hard to pee with a boner." "(CHUCKLES) I'm sorry about that." "God to say it out loud, it sounds so uh, trite." "Sex in the bathroom?" "JAKE:" "Yeah." "No, no it sounds all right." "I uh..." "I need to tell you something." "When I saw Tabatha..." "She..." "At Ted and Audrey's?" "Yeah, she told me that her and..." "You know, what's-his-fuck broke up." "Sebastian?" "Yeah." "What are you talking about?" "Are you fucking with me?" "Tabatha's single now?" "Currently single?" "Yeah." "Hold on." "Hold on." "Hold on." "And you found out this when?" "On Wednesday?" "And now it's Saturday." "I thought she was coming to the walk, she said you invited her so I just figured you..." "I wanted..." "Are you fucking..." "You know what?" "No, I glad I didn't know that." "Wednesday was..." "That was bad for me." "No, it is actually good timing." "This is fucking terrible timing." "Dude, I'm leaving tomorrow." "I do not need to know this now." "Oh, come on, man this is fucked up." "I mean what am I going to do with this information?" "In fact why didn't she tell me?" "Fuck her!" "I didn't mean that." "That was knee-jerk." "That's not me." "She's probably in pain." "Oh God." "I should call here." "No, no, no, no, no." "What?" "I don't understand what you wanted me to do." "God!" "Man, you know what dick move for telling me." "Real dick move." "But I appreciate it." "That took guts." "Should I not have told you at all?" "You should not have told me at all." "No." "Okay and I apologize." "You should have told me before." "Okay, then I'm not sorry and you're welcome." "I can't do the walk, it's..." "No in fact..." "You can do the walk, come on." "Ah!" "God!" "This changes nothing." "This changes nothing." "You're right." "Right, let's go, Tabatha..." "Rocks..." "Oh, fuck!" "JAKE:" "No and to think that..." "For the last three years she was with Sebastian." "Tristan before that." "Where are the normal names here?" "She's almost literally been with somebody every single day since we broke up and now that" "I have a chance to be with her, I can't because I'm leaving and I'm never going to see her again." "Okay, well, why don't we focus on the walk?" "I mean, where are we going next?" "No, I think Jake's right." "Let's focus on things that we have no control over." "Gunderson, will you look at, look at him." "Okay?" "Look at this little face." "Cant' we, can't you be supportive of this face for once in your life?" "I've been supportive." "Hey, who put the fire out in your room?" "Okay, for the last time stop calling it a fire." "Then what should I call it?" "A conflagration?" "A holocaust?" "Here we go." "Just drop it." "How dare you!" "Let it go." "We lost..." "No." "I will not..." "I will not..." "We lost great aunts and..." "You didn't lose anyone at all." "Well, not directly but..." "ROCKS:" "I don't know what that means." "Indirectly, almost surely..." "Okay, all right." "Fair." "Fair." "Jake, I got a call from work, and one of my teachers got food poisoning for like, the umpteenth time, and I have to go in for just an hour," "I couldn't get anyone to cover, it's on the way." "It'll just be an hour." "You guys can come." "No." "Are you fuckin' kidding me?" "It's on the way." "No!" "Dude, not now!" "Now's the worst possible time." "I've got an existential crisis afoot." "You don't mean existential." "I don't even know if I mean afoot." "What does afoot mean?" "ROCKS:" "Pythagorean's theorem, you guys." "It's super cool." "You're gonna have..." "Five to seven questions on it." "On the test, depending on which one you get." "So, I wanna go over it and make sure we all..." "BILLY:" "Did you just look at my test?" "Gunderson, stop looking at my test." "GUNDERSON:" "I'm not looking at your test." "I've already done number 21." "I bet you forgot about the three quadratics, Gunderson." "GUNDERSON:" "I bet you forgot that you're a college graduate and this is pointless." "BILLY:" "It won't be pointless when I beat you." "GUNDERSON:" "Yes, it will." "Hey, is he almost done with his class?" "(PHONE RINGING)" "Is that Emma?" "I'm just disappointed." "I know." "EMMA:" "I just..." "I can't believe you would miss one of the last appointments before the baby would come." "I'm very sorry." "And to go out drinking with your friends..." "It's just such a fucking cliche and..." "Okay." "Oh my God!" "I sound like I'm one of those bitchy annoying girls." "Well, you have every right to me mad, okay." "You do." "I'm sorry." "I absolutely shouldn't have missed the appointment." "No, you should not have missed the appointment." "But it was not about just drinking with my friends, okay, it wasn't." "We are trying to get Jake to stay." "You know if he has a good time today, he might actually do that, it could go either way." "Really?" "Yes." "And you know between Billy and Gunderson, he's our only viable babysitting option." "(CHUCKLES)" "Oh." "Okay." "I can't argue with that." "So listen..." "At the appointment today..." "Doctor Leponis and I discussed the birth plan..." "Yeah." "You know, and who's gonna be in there when it all goes down and..." "I decided that I want to keep the participants to a minimum." "Fine." "Yeah." "Okay, it'll be just..." "Just us." "Cozy." "No, I..." "I mean not you." "She said that it's actually really common for women to not want their partners in there..." "Are you kidding?" "For that." "I mean..." "God!" "I don't want you to see that." "You just decided this?" "Well, Marcel, I..." "You know that I've been really stressed out about this." "I'm scared." "I mean, what if you don't want me after that?" "Are you kidding me right now?" "You're not one who has to have a baby coming out..." "Of your vagina, okay?" "Yes, I do realize that." "I understand how children are born." "Look, how would you feel, if I brought a bunch of strangers into the bathroom to watch you do whatever it is you do in there for 45 minutes." "That's not something that you want people to see." "What are you talking about?" "How is me being there for the birth of our son remotely like you bringing in strangers to watch me take a dump?" "Okay, I get that that's not a great analogy, now, okay." "No, it's not a great analogy at all." "It's not even a mediocre analogy." "I don't, I don't even understand." "Am I..." "Am I the one going into the bathroom?" "Am I bringing in the strangers?" "No, you're the stranger." "(SIGHS)" "I didn't mean it like that." "Yeah, you did." "Oh shit!" "(STUDENTS CHATTER) BILLY:" "Okay, I don't know who any of you are..." "BILLY:" "Inside voices, please." "Is there a Renee here?" "Tasha?" "Is that right?" "All right." "Kuyken..." "Kuykendall?" "Is that you?" "Wait, what's your question?" "I don't know what a function is." "What is a function?" "How come you don't know the answer?" "Well, I..." "Guys, can you?" "Look, none of this matters in the real world." "And I don't even teach here." "Is that lady Mr. Reznowski's wife?" "No, that is his fiancee, but they love..." "So his kid's gonna be a bastard?" "(CHUCKLES) Yes." "What are they arguing about?" "JAKE:" "Ah, good question." "You know, actually French playwright Jean Anouilh put it best." "Okay, my friend is having an existential crisis, please." "He does not mean existential." "You know what, you need to know this." "You really do." "So write his down if you have to." "Life is not gonna turn out the way you planned it." "That's the bottom line." "Okay." "And here's another piece of advice." "Don't invest in anyone." "You probably meet a guy, and he's gonna be great." "And you'll love him and you give everything to him and just when you think it's perfect..." "He's gonna take your heart, he's gonna put it in a blender and he's gonna press frappe." "Okay." "Then he's gonna pour it down the toilet and if that wasn't bad enough, you're gonna jump on into that toilet after and try and grab it and you're gonna come out the other side covered in piss and shit" "like Tim Robbins at the end of Shawshank Redemption and if you haven't seen that movie, then I cannot help you." "Okay?" "But here's the good news." "Okay, because at the end of all that, the next thing you got marked on your calendar is a probably painful, inevitable death." "GUNDERSON:" "So, all right, class dismissed." "Right, why don't you figure this out..." "Hey, Em." "Bye, guys." "(SIGHS)" "Decisions." "That's the big thing right now." "We're just having all these arguments about..." "You know what color the baby's room should be." "Yellow or cream, things like that." "Yellow." "ROCKS:" "And I find myself talking all these hard lined positions really just to argue, I mean..." "I don't care what color the actual baby's room is, 'cause in the end it doesn't matter." "BILLY:" "It should be yellow." "But I hear myself arguing that one color will literally lead the child becoming president and the other one's gonna make him a murderer." "Same thing." "Yeah, it's totally irrational, all right, I mean..." "Nobody actually remembers what color their baby room was." "Yellow." "Really?" "Yeah." "Explains a lot." "It was awesome." "BILLY:" "What are we doing here?" "Is this a planned stop?" "I hate cathedrals!" "BILLY:" "Ugh!" "And the answer is, back in 1895," ""Construction of the cathedral"" ""was halted due to a labor dispute"" ""that resulted in..."" "(CLICKS TONGUE) Fuck it." "No. (CHUCKLES)" "Put myself to sleep with that." "I apologize..." "What happened to labor dispute?" "Oh, who cares." "Fuck it." "You know. (SIGHS)" "You know what, teaching here is one of the..." "One of the great achievements of mine in New York." "Maybe the only great achievement." "That's not true." "That's not true, come on." "It's true!" "No, honestly." "I think I did about the only thing." "No, that's not true." "GUNDERSON:" "None of your students have amounted to anything." "So..." "Yeah." "Doesn't really count as an achievement." "BILLY:" "Gunderson, come on..." "ROCKS:" "Yeah, you know, like, great achievements." "No." "ROCKS:" "I mean, that's it." "No, but..." "What about that show you had in New Jersey?" "Yeah..." "That was awesome." "It was in New Jersey but still..." "You had one in Staten..." "You had a thing in Staten Island." "I mean, if it's Staten Island, Yeah." "It's something." "It's something." "GUNDERSON:" "Remember, you almost sold a painting on the subway?" "BILLY:" "Oh, yeah!" "No, no, no." "The guy almost stole the painting on the subway." "BILLY:" "Oh." "GUNDERSON:" "But still, he liked it." "Yeah, I guess." "I mean, people who are really excited..." "You gotta start somewhere." "That's true, I guess." "It's tough." "I don't know." "It's good." "This is actually..." "Kind of makes me feel good." "I love this place." "Really, 'cause these are garbage." "And your fridge is gonna be filled with that." "ROCKS:" "Yeah, I hope." "How do you pretend to like that?" "That's awful." "I don't have to pretend." "That's a beauty." "I mean, I..." "I genuinely like this." "You're not understanding what this kid did with space, negative space." "Uh..." "GUNDERSON:" "Now, I understand why you like Jake's stuff." "Hey..." "Is it about the money?" "Does your dad need..." "I mean..." "Is that why you're leaving?" "If it is, I'm more than happy..." "I don't want your money." "I'm just saying, I'll give you a little..." "I'm not your charity case, okay?" "Jacob." "I was wondering if you could clear up something for me." "Weren't you planning on breaking up with Emma before you found out she was carrying your demon seed?" "I... (STUTTERS)" "No, man, I..." "Really, you weren't?" "No, we were gonna have a bit of a conversation that, you know, could've pre-empted..." "Good." "But..." "And my son." "Right, yeah." "But the fact..." "But, I..." "I don't..." "We were definitely not gonna break up, no." "Not..." "Not for sure." "Hmm." "What's the latest?" "Well, my partner at the firm has actually set up an appointment with his urologist friend for me today." "Right." "So I am telling him that the rash has spread to my legs and I'm having trouble walking." "Ah." "Oh." "Ergo, I won't be able to go to his doctor." "Yeah. (SIGHS) Well..." "Sounds medically dubious." "Yeah." "(SIGHS)" "Hey, do you think that the guys hate me?" "Yeah." "No, seriously." "I mean, the whole lawyer thing, the money, it just feels different than when we were all unemployed and broke." "Yeah, you don't wanna go back to that, though." "Well, I mean, do I?" "Remember how much you used to give blood?" "Yeah..." "It's not safe." "Yeah, but it was..." "It was sort of exciting." "I guess." "I keep thinking about what the most important thing is for my son, what I..." "What I want for him the most, besides, obviously wanting him to be..." "Healthy, easy-going..." "Yeah, sure." "I think it's just for him to be confident and not worrying all the time, about what everyone else thinks." "Yeah." "Yeah, okay." "I like that." "I'm sorry for your loss." "(SIGHS) My God..." "The thing is, that I can't really talk to my friends about it, you know." "They're good guys, but... (SIGHS) It's..." "We're not really the kind of guys who can, you know, open up and... (CLEARS THROAT) And really, I'm sorry, is there meant to be, like, a booth or a partition, or wall, or..." "That's confession in a Catholic church, Jacob." "We are Episcopalian." "Sure." "Okay." "(CLEARS THROAT)" "Just kind of feels weird talking to someone I can't see." "I feel that way every time I talk to God." "(LAUGHS) Zing." "Not really." "No." "I guess not." "Well, I may as well just dive into it, then." "I think I'm still in love with Tabatha. (LAUGHS)" "There it is." "I am." "And I also know that my dad needs me." "That's important." "Especially now." "He's sick." "But I just..." "I can't shake this feeling that maybe leaving is the wrong thing to do." "Let me tell you this." "God very rarely limits us to two options." "In fact, our choices are endless, infinite." "But it is up to us to make one." "I would love to be able to tell you what to do." "But I'm an Episcopalian, not a Catholic priest." "Right." "I get it. (LAUGHS) Okay." "You know what, just before I..." "I'm not 100% on it." "So, when you say "infinite" you know, there..." "How many is that exactly?" "It's like with Jesus." "Okay, hold on. (LAUGHS)" "Accepting we all know how that turned out for him." "You know." "No, I'm just..." "It's just..." "I'm just saying." "It's probably not the best example, that's all." "Go on." "I tell you what, maybe it's time that you convert some of that analytical energy into kinetic energy." "Right." "ROCKS: (SIGHS) Why is he taking us east?" "(CHILDREN SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)" "GUNDERSON:" "Maybe he's gonna go to the bathroom." "I need a cupcake." "I'm out of breath." "What the fuck is this?" "ROCKS:" "It's a birthday party for children." "Goddamn it!" "Hey. (LAUGHS)" "Jake!" "(LAUGHS) Yeah!" "Hey." "Hey." "Hey, Raja, Ankur." "Marty." "Wait." "Did you finish your walk?" "No, not yet." "We will." "I just wanted to..." "Have you got a second?" "Could I talk to you for a second?" "Uh, yeah." "Okay. (LAUGHS)" "Of course." "Come on." "No, I'm not cheating!" "BILLY:" "I'm serious." "I cannot fucking believe this." "I haven't been..." "No, I abandoned work for this and now, Jake just diverts the whole thing for his ex-girlfriend?" "It's unconscionable!" "I wanna fly!" "I wanna fly!" "I wanna fly!" "Oh!" "Hey, there." "Sorry, little fella, but we're all out of pixie dust." "Oh." "Oh my..." "Oh, my God!" "He just licked me!" "Yeah!" "Get him!" "Get him!" "Why did you lick me, you little monster?" "Hey!" "I gotcha!" "Hands!" "Stop it!" "Stop it!" "Ricky, Ricky, Ricky, go, go over there." "Over there." "Ugh!" "That kid is awful!" "Oh." "Kid is my son." "Oh!" "Hey, friend." "Guys." "ROCKS:" "Hey, Zeke, how you doing?" "(LAUGHS)" "Whoa!" "Blast from the past..." "What are you guys doing here?" "Jake came to visit Tabatha." "We're on a bit of a..." "Nostalgia tour." "Seriously?" "Yeah." "I thought nostalgia was supposed to be a pleasant thing." "(CHILDREN SCREAMING AND LAUGHING)" "Right." "So..." "Yeah." "So you have to shit in a bathtub?" "Yeah, two weeks, and you can't tell anyone." "You have to deny it forever." "Yeah..." "You know, I forgive that." "Really?" "Yeah!" "For the love of my life, yeah." "Yeah." "Wow!" "Wow." "Yeah." "But that does not give you permission to shit in Chuck and Joyce's bathtub." "Do not do it." "Oh, bummer." "Yeah. (SIGHS)" "And as far as the second part..." "Hey, should I stay in New York?" "Do you think?" "Am I doing the right thing by..." "I gotta get back to the party." "Hmm." "You still got it." "Yeah." "(BABY WAILING) (MAN SHUSHING)" "MAN:" "Hey, it's okay." "It's okay." "(BABY'S CRYING CONTINUES)" "MAN:" "You got a problem?" "You got an issue?" "Do you have a problem?" "All right, I'm gonna give it a shot." "Oh." "Yeah, sure." "She doesn't like men, so..." "Oh." "Let's see how this works." "(STOPS WAILING)" "There you go." "Yeah." "(CLEARS THROAT)" "There you go." "Kids like me." "Yeah." "I don't really like them." "But what are you gonna do?" "Don't ruin her life." "Ah." "Yeah." "(WAILING)" "Thanks." "Okay." "Argh!" "Go!" "Whoo!" "(SCREAMS)" "(SCREAMS)" "(LAUGHING)" "Terrible choice." "Gun!" "(SHRIEKS) It's Melanie!" "(LAUGHS) Melanie Ortmeyer?" "Well, Melanie Macdonald now." "I thought that was you." "Do you remember me?" "You're that girl that doesn't listen, right?" "I can't believe it!" "So what are you doing here?" "Living a personal nightmare." "This is such a coincidence." "You know, I just had a dream about you." "Who cares!" "God!" "You know, I haven't seen you since Teach for America." "Yeah." "I was a fucking disaster, right?" "You don't really wanna have this conversation." "Oh!" "Do you?" "You're here with Jake." "I saw him, too." "It's just like old times, huh?" "Not at all." "I've got my little rugrat running around here somewhere." "I don't give a shit." "You have stupid glasses." "You never would've have thought I'd be a mom, right?" "I thought you'd be dead by now." "I feel so old just saying it to you..." "Yeah, same to you later." "(GASPS) Oh." "Bye!" "(SCREAMS)" "Ahh!" "Why is this happening to me?" "Help!" "(SCREAMS) You fucking bit me" "(LAUGHS) Yeah." "Yeah." "Get him." "Oh, my God!" "It's a nightmare!" "(LAUGHING) Yes..." "BILLY:" "Oh, God!" "Get off." "Get off of me!" "Um..." "Do you have another second just to..." "It'll be quick." "Oh." "I can't." "Well, we can." "We did." "So we've already kind of, you know, done." "It's been did." "So..." "I..." "I can't..." "I'm still in love with you." "So..." "Yeah." "I'll you get back to the pixie dust station." "Okay." "Don't say it unless you mean it." "Okay, then, I'm still in love with you." "Tabatha... (CHUCKLES) Look." "My parents are having one of their pre-show dinner parties in, like, in an hour and a half?" "Why don't you come by?" "We'll talk." "Yeah." "Done." "(LAUGHS) All right." "Look, I..." "I'm just warning you." "I've been crying for, like, three days, on and off." "Mostly, on." "So I don't know if this is nostalgia or..." "I just..." "Come at your own peril, that's what I'm saying." "Understood. (WHISPERS) Okay, no more talking." "We'll talk about it on the way over." "(MUFFLED) Okay." "(CHUCKLES) Great." "Oh." "Can I meet you there?" "Mmm-hmm." "Okay." "Okay." "Fuck..." "How quickly..." "What is the vaginal rejuvenation like?" "(LAUGHS) Good question." "That I don't actually know." "Because Noreen had a c-section." "Oh, okay." "Right, so it was fine." "Or it would've been fine if we have had any desire to have sex afterwards." "(GROANS)" "Do you remember boys' breakfast every Saturday?" "Yeah." "God." "The only way that a girl would get invited was if she'd slept with one of us the night before." "Bunch of assholes!" "(LAUGHS)" "Anyway, boys' breakfast turns into couples' brunch, which eventually becomes birthday parties." "Completely elaborate, unnecessarily complicated birthday parties at which I am dressed as a pirate." "(INHALES)" "And somebody's gotta take you to breakfast." "I haven't had pancakes in eight years." "I'll make you pancakes." "Shit!" "What?" "I'm doing it now." "Now." "You're doing it now?" "Dad!" "Yes, I..." "I'm getting the dessert." "What do you mean, what have I been doing?" "I'm..." "I've been playing with children!" "(RICKY SCREAMING)" "Now!" "Ricky, not now." "Ricky, that's enough." "Now!" "WOMAN:" "Before the party that I organized..." "Dad!" "I planned this!" "Oh." "Okay." "Guys, I need to tell you something." "(CELL PHONE RINGS)" "BILLY:" "Oh, look who it is!" "Jake, it's my partner." "You know the guy I've been lying to all day so that we could go out and have an adventure, that guy, remember that?" "Yeah, I do." "Unconscionable." "Yeah, I know, I got the files." "You know what, I'm actually on my way to the doctor's right now." "He's gotta go." "Fuck you!" "Oh." "Gunderson, what the fuck!" "What the fuck!" "(MOCKS) "What the fuck!"" "This..." "No, this is not a joke, okay?" "This is my job." "Oh, it's not a joke?" "No." "Is this a fucking joke, "This is a Tattoo?" All right, guys." "You know what, I told you before that" "I didn't know that you got a tattoo." "JAKE:" "Okay." "GUNDERSON:" "Oh, you didn't know I got a tattoo." "Guys." "BILLY:" "That is correct." "For one second, if I could just..." "And anyway mine is completely different." "Rocks." "What?" "Just leave me out." "What..." "Rocks!" "Yeah, fine." "He knew." "Rocks!" "When he found out about your "This is not a Tattoo" tattoo, he decided it'd be ironic if he got a "This is a Tattoo" tattoo." "It doesn't matter." "Who cares?" "That's not ironic, you imbecile." "Yeah, it is!" "No, it's not!" "You have a tattoo that says it's a tattoo." "That's the exact opposite of what "ironic" means!" "Yeah, but that is the ironic part." "No, it's not." "Yes, that's what I was going for." "You're a fucking idiot." "Fucking stop it, okay?" "Gunderson, you are a shit-face, you know that?" "You're an inconsiderate shit pile!" "All right." "You know what?" "You know what?" "I wish that I let your stuff burn up in that room." "You fucking... (LAUGHING) Ow!" "Cut it out, guys." "BILLY:" "You son of a..." "So civil." "What are you doing?" "Stop." "Enough." "Billy!" "JAKE:" "Leave him alone!" "Get off of him!" "I will pummel you!" "All right." "Fine!" "It was me!" "All right, it was me!" "I did it." "Not Gunderson, me." "It was me!" "Stop it!" "It wasn't Gunderson!" "I ruined your stuff!" "All right?" "(SIGHS) I destroyed your stuff, all right?" "I'm sorry." "It's true." "It wasn't me." "JAKE:" "I was hammered." "I mean..." "I was shit-faced and I thought it'd be funny." "I had no idea that the foam in those extinguishers cause so much damage." "I thought they were..." "What?" "Gunderson wasn't even with me." "You just immediately assumed it was him." "I got to say, I admired your work and was happy to take credit for it." "I can't believe you took the blame this whole time." "JAKE:" "It was dick thing to do, Billy." "I should've told you sooner and I will totally pay you back for everything that was damaged, with interest." "Wow, feels good." "That actually feels good." "It's a relief." "(CHUCKLES) Dragging that around for so long." "It's good." "It's nice..." "Nice feeling." "(SIGHS)" "There's one other thing I need to tell you." "About the walk." "And Tabatha (LAUGHS)" "(SIGHS) Guys, no offense, but, you're not invited, all right?" "I need to do this on my own." "Damn it, that's broken. (SIGHS)" "Let the record show that I'm no longer in this to keep Jake in New York." "Excuse me?" "You're trying to keep me in New York?" "Well, it was." "Now, I just wanna make sure that you and Tabatha never get back together." "Are you fucking with me?" "You're trying to break Tabatha and me up?" "You guys aren't together now. (LAUGHS)" "Not current..." "You know what I mean, for crying out loud." "You guys are awful together." "You're worse than Heathcliff and Cathy." "I was always more of a Garfield man myself." "I'm just looking out for you." "You don't need to look out." "I can look after my..." "You know what, I had the stupid idea that maybe you'd be happy for me." "God, stupid." "I was happy for you, Jake, when I thought we're gonna be out adventuring." "All right." "Why don't we just meet up with each other in a couple of hours and grab a drink then, huh?" "How's that sound?" "Rocks, drinks in a couple of hours?" "No?" "He's drunk." "What's your big plan anyway?" "Aren't you leaving tomorrow?" "Yeah." "I don't know." "Maybe we'll do a long-distance thing." "Maybe I won't leave, I don't know." "Really?" "Seriously?" "It's possible." "I don't know, Billy!" "I just know that I've never been happier than I was when I was with her." "That is not true, all right?" "Life sucked back then and it sucks now." "Deal with it." "You know what, I didn't want to have to do this, but you..." "You leave me no choice." "All right?" "Oh, come on!" "I'm on your tail!" "Fuck's sake!" "Guys, guys, guys!" "Stop!" "Stop!" "Stop!" "Okay, okay, fine." "You can come, but for fuck's sake, just please, please, behave yourselves." "Who you're talking to?" "Of course, we will." "Yeah." "And we're gonna need to bring wine." "And you're paying." "Okay." "Well, we are near my office." "There's a place a couple of blocks down that we've got an expense account." "Great." "I need a cupcake." "Just real quick." "The..." "I know the fire extinguisher debacle was Jake, but I'm still gonna blame you." "Impressive, and I accept." "BILLY:" "Come on, Jake, just one." "JAKE:" "No." "BILLY:" "Please!" "Jake." "JAKE:" "No." "Jake, Jake, Jake, Jake, Jake, Jake, Jake, Jake." "Real quick." "Ugh..." "Fine." "All right." "A robber walks into your house, puts a gun to your head, he says Sophie's Choice." "Option one is you have to gain and lose 30 pounds every month for the rest of your life, or..." "Oh." "Or option two, you could stop making him play this stupid game." "Gunderson, will you just shut the fuck up?" "Billy?" "Mr. Kim." "Larry, please." "How are you feeling?" "Not good." "I am coughing up blood." "Oh, dear, really?" "No." "No." "I don't know why I just said that." "I see." "Yeah." "No, I just..." "I just..." "You know." "I thought I'd pick up a wine on my way to the doctor." "It's not exactly on the way." "No, it is not." "That's true." "(CLICKS)" "And my friends are here, too." "We're not his friends." "You know, I just wanted to..." "Wanted to pick up a bottle, little something to wet the palette." "It's just a little parched." "Next time, you wanna spend the day horsing around with your friends..." "Oh, Mr. Kim, that's..." "I get it." "I do." "Just..." "Next time tell me the truth." "Okay?" "(LAUGHS)" "(LAUGHS)" "Nailed it." "Congratulations, you got away with it." "What the hell, I mean, was that?" "I mean, is he serious?" "He seems perfect." "Hey, where is Jake?" "(SIGHS) Bumblebees." "GUNDERSON: (HIGH-PITCHED) Surprise!" "Oh, no." "Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no." "BILLY:" "Hey." "What are you doing here?" "Please, no." "For me?" "Thank you." "(DOOR OPENS)" "BILLY:" "Hi." "GUNDERSON:" "These are for you." "Hey!" "Oh!" "Hey, good to see you." "Hey." "Tab, hey, hey." "Thank you." "What?" "(ROCKS CLEARS THROAT)" "ROCKS:" "Here's the answer." "You sleep with Helen Keller because of the heightened sense of touch." "You should kill Amelia Earhart because there would finally be a body." "Oh." "And there would be closure." "Ah, that's a sweet story." "There'd be closure." "And then, you're gonna marry no one, actually." "Because that one was a trick question." "Because how do you know someone well enough to marry them?" "You don't." "(PEOPLE LAUGHING)" "Oh, yeah." "I'd probably sleep with all of them." "And then, maybe one would die accidentally." "Thus solving two thirds of the problem." "(WOMAN LAUGHS)" "MAN 1:" "Oh, very nice." "MAN 2:" "No, very daft." "Classy, Dad, classy." "WOMAN:" "But, wait, wait, wait." "Tell..." "Now, tell me." "It's how long, this walk?" "The walk is 260 blocks." "Oh." "It's about 15 miles." "Oh, that's marvelous!" "(GASPS) I'm envious." "You guys are on a walkabout?" "It's just four guys getting..." "I wouldn't call it a..." "It doesn't have to be a walkabout." "TABATHA:" "No, I mean that in a good way." "I don't mean to devalue..." "Look." "I'll plead my case for you." "Um..." "Throughout time, throughout history, there has been..." "Before man began..." "Yes." "Right, okay." "Take it way back, to the beginning." "Um..." "There's always been something to signify the mechanism of men going from childhood to adulthood." "There's always been something." "There's been a trek, a hunt, a whore, whatever it is, there is this..." "Or all three." "There we go, or..." "Now, there's nothing." "Right." "There's whores." "There's nothing." "What in this culture signifies that for men?" "(WOMEN LAUGHING)" "See, Billy, that's why you're still a child." "You don't have that mechanism that will make you into an adult." "I had a Bar Mitzvah." "(MAN LAUGHS)" "GUNDERSON:" "Bar mitzvah." "TABATHA:" "Okay." "And for women it's just, you know, it's..." "There is, like, an internal clock there's something very different for women." "It's biological." "ROCKS:" "I don't think that not knowing how to grow up or having difficulty with that." "Is that new a concept, necessarily." "No, no." "Also, I would..." "Also I think that saying that women mature better than men is... (EMITS FART NOISE)" "Whoa!" "I did not say that." "I was not saying..." "MAN:" "If I may, perhaps the idea that we ever grow up is flawed." "Adults, children, children, adults." "We are all both, at once!" "Mmm-hmm." "I would say, it feels good to think otherwise." "But, just because you feel good, does not make it so." "Huh?" "(LAUGHS) Mmm-hmm." "Dan, your wisdom never ceases to amaze, yet confuse me." "ALL: (CHUCKLING) TABATHA:" "Hear, hear." "The more you drink, the smarter I get." "ALL: (LAUGHING)" "You know what?" "I have a game." "I think everybody is going to love this game." "I can't take credit for this game." "It's not my game." "It's actually Jake's game!" "BILLY:" "Jake's game!" "Jake came up with this." "This is all Jake." "A robber bursts into your home, puts a gun to your head, and says, "You have two options"," "JAKE:" "Hey, hey." "Come on man, no." ""or I kill you."" "Option number one." "You leave the city that you have called your home for so long." "You have to leave it." "You can never return." "Or option two." "You can stay in that city you love but you have to stay in a loveless relationship." "Someone who your friends, everyone in your life, knows this person is bad for you." "Trying to shape you and mold you into something that you are not." "So her only goal..." "So sorry guys." "Oh my God." "I'm so sorry." "That was on me." "That was on me." "There's a bathroom upstairs." "Are you serious?" "I was just, I'm looking for the bathroom, and your room snuck up on me." "The panty drawer's in there." "The panty drawer?" "Uh-huh." "Yeah." "What I was trying to say to you before just so you understand, is it's not that women" "necessarily grow up better than men." "It's just that, their path to adulthood is..." "Different." "I don't give a shit and I was just being contrary." "Hmm." "So this is the room then, huh?" "This is." "This is my childhood bedroom." "It is exactly the way I left it." "That's nice." "Mine's pretty much the same." "It's got a treadmill in it now." "Yeah." "I don't want to freak you out, but there's six enormous faces looking at us." "Who are they?" "What's their story?" "TABATHA:" "You know what?" "ROCKS:" "They seem..." "TABATHA:" "I have..." "A story for you." "(MUSIC PLAYING)" "Just doesn't make sense." "I mean, I lied repeatedly and then directly to Mr. Kim's face, and then, nothing." "It's funny." "I don't remember inquiring about you, in any kind of way." "It's just unsettling." "That's, that's the word that I would use." "Fine, I'll bite." "Billy, you got away with it." "What's the big deal?" "It's just that the universe has an order." "Your transgressions must be punished." "Without that order, there's..." "Chaos." "You really are a simple, simple boy." "Have you seen her?" "Huh?" "Tabatha." "Have you seen her?" "BILLY:" "No." "Asshole." "You don't care." "Neither of you care." "What are you even doing here?" "I asked you not to..." "I begged you not to come." "You." "You!" "That stunt you pulled at dinner, come on man." "I'm going through an existential crisis here." "You can't go..." "Whoa, whoa." "Slow down." "You are not going through an existential crisis." "An existential crisis means that your whole existence is being called into question." "What you're dealing with, are transitional issues." "Is that really what existential means?" "Yes." "Oh." "You don't have to yell at me." "I didn't yell at you." "That was yelling." "So for my birthday, my dad bought me Mmm-hmm." "A Holga camera." "It was my first camera ever." "And, this photograph was taken the first time that I ever heard my parents having sex." "Okay." "(CHUCKLES)" "I heard all these sounds and..." "I knew it was significant so I ran back and I got my camera and I got a tripod." "And I stood outside and I faced away from the door." "And I looked and I took the picture." "What a weirdo." "What a weirdo." "I know." "I know, right." "And you would not, not frame that and put it on your wall because..." "It's a keeper, and you put it up on your wall." "I didn't frame it." "Well, it's in a frame." "I know, they framed it." "They framed it." "They framed it." "Yeah." "So sick." "And did you tell them honestly what it is." "Do they know what they framed?" "I don't know." "I don't know." "I don't want to know." "I don't want to know, either." "(LAUGHING)" "God!" "I'm worried about her." "Maybe she's got diarrhea." "You know, sometimes when she drinks too much coffee, her stomach can get a little..." "How about this one?" "A robber shoots you in the head." "Says, "Sophie's Choice."" ""Play chess with the dog or scrabble with the cat."" "Hmm." "I don't think you understand how this game is played." "Oh!" "(LAUGHING)" "I'm gonna get some scotch." "I'm gonna take a shit." "You know, Jake, you're a good egg." "Well, that is true, sir." "You know what you should do?" "Marry my daughter, have babies and name one after me." "(LAUGHING)" "(CHUCKLES SKEPTICALLY)" "Ow." "Oh, boy." "(LAUGHING) Wine stain?" "Yeah." "Let's not go down..." "This really..." "That's really quite a mess." "That's quite unfortunate." "Looking for..." "Oh, I could get you a shirt." "I need to borrow a..." "Back, back under the mattress where it belongs." "A thoroughly bad choice..." "I don't know why..." "I've..." "Tabatha..." "Here's your picture." "Can you..." "I'm so." "That's my fault." "I'm sorry." "One, have a threesome with a couple twice your age or two, masturbate in front of a room full of strangers." "(LAUGHING)" "We should go." "Oh, God, yes." "JAKE:" "I don't get it." "I thought you invited me around so we could talk." "Jake, I..." "Just..." "I don't think... (SIGHS)" "Do you remember this?" "Oh, my God." "From our first date." "Do you remember?" "I saved it, obviously." "And I... (CHUCKLING)" "I framed it and..." "Anyway..." "(LAUGHS) Look at that." "I thought I was really fucked up for the last couple of days." "Hmm, but I think I've been fucked up for a long time, maybe." "So..." "Damn." "You need to finish your walk." "Tabby, hey." "(CLEARS THROAT) All right." "All right, all right, guys, let's go." "ROCKS:" "Yeah." "GUNDERSON:" "You liked living in Hell's Kitchen?" "JAKE:" "Yeah, the noodle place." "You remember that..." "Must have taken you there a thousand times." "BILLY:" "You sure there wasn't one here on the Lower East side?" "JAKE:" "No, no, no." "That was a donut shop." "You're thinking about a donut place." "JAKE:" "Oh, East Village." "Remember that East Village place with the weird door man?" "Sounds like Roland..." "Rudolph." "Rudolph." "GUNDERSON:" "The guy was always giving me mix-tapes." "JAKE: (LAUGHS) Oh, God!" "JAKE:" "You know, I don't think I've ever not loved a neighborhood in this city." "JAKE: (SIGHS) Man, I really don't wanna leave." "BILLY:" "Then don't." "BILLY:" "We could just go to a park." "JAKE:" "It'll be worth it, trust me." "(SHOUTING)" "Okay." "You guys are gonna love this." "Oh, Goddamn it." "Oh." "Oh, shit." "That's an interesting choice." "JAKE:" "God damn, taggers." "Ruined it." "My breasts are nice." "When did you make this?" "Couple months ago." "They're turning the whole place into a hotel." "So I kinda had this stupid idea that you know, that we could live on, our legacy or something." "JAKE: (SIGHS) God." "Nothing about this day has turned out the way I wanted it to." "Well, the day's not over." "We can salvage this, we'll go to a bar, have a few drinks." "I kissed Tabatha." "What?" "Me and Tabatha, we kissed." "What are you talking about?" "You did not." "No, we did." "Fuck you, you did not." "It happened." "When?" "ROCKS:" "In her old bedroom." "Not where." "When." "After dinner." "Okay." "Why?" "I don't know." "I don't know." "Just tell me why?" "I'm not mad." "I just want to know why." "Because I'm a fucking piece of shit." "Uh-huh." "Why else?" "Jake, Jake, come on, Jake." "I don't know." "Jake, let go." "You fucking know." "I don't." "BILLY:" "Jake..." "You fucking know." "You do know." "You do know!" "Why did you do it?" "BILLY:" "Come on, Jake, Jake." "Come on, Jake." "Jake." "Smooth, Rocks, really smooth." "It was probably just a little drunken kiss." "Like a peck." "No." "Sure, I mean, it was a momentary lapse." "You weren't thinking." "I wish that were true." "I do." "BILLY:" "It is." "Jake is overreacting." "And..." "No, Billy, stop." "I know you, you would never..." "Stop it." "It's not a big deal..." "Billy, Jesus Christ, I messed up, okay?" "I'm not perfect." "What the hell is going on today?" "You okay, shit head?" "Do you realize that the last time that we all hung out together as a group was at my birthday last year." "What do you care if I stay or if I go." "What does it matter to you." "Come on, of course it does." "We're not friends anymore." "BILLY:" "Is it true about the birthday thing?" "Jesus." "(RINGING)" "EMMA:" "Leave a message." "(BEEPS)" "Hey, Em." "It's me." "I think you're with your sister." "I'm just calling to say that we got done early and I just wanted to see what you're up to, where you're at." "It's been a pretty crazy day..." "I'm calling from a pay phone, because I broke my phone so I guess I'll just give you a try again later." "Okay." "(SIGHS)" "God, please call me back, all right?" "I really, I really need to fucking talk to you." "All right, Rocks told me everything." "And..." "(DOOR CLOSES)" "(THROWS DOWN KEYS)" "(THUMPING)" "This place is ridiculous." "(SIGHS)" "You deserve none of this." "I'm so tired." "(LINE RINGING)" "Hey, Larry." "Yeah." "I just wanted to call and apologize for earlier." "You're totally right." "I should have just told the truth." "Yeah, but the thing is..." "About this merger." "Honestly, I'm completely and utterly beat and I think I'm gonna need tomorrow to recover." "Yeah, I understand we've got the deadline." "I don't want to slow things down so why don't you just take me off the team on this and I will go get them next time." "Okay, thanks for understanding." "(SIGHS)" "What?" "Nice work." "(CELL PHONE RINGING)" "Huh." "Emma's sister." "Weird." "Hello?" "No, I haven't seen..." "What?" "Yeah, okay." "(TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING)" "MAN:" "Where is he?" "Hi." "Hey." "BARTENDER:" "Hey." "Water." "No ice." "And keep it coming." "All right." "(CAR ALARM BLARING)" "I haven't seen him in like three hours." "I don't..." "How am I supposed to know where..." "Let me call you back." "What's up?" "(LAUGHS)" "So simple." "Rocks. (LAUGHS)" "(WHISTLES FOR CAB)" "(INAUDIBLE)" "(SIGHS)" "(URINATING)" "(GASPS)" "I copied him." "(HORN BLARING)" "(KEYS CLATTERING)" "(CELL PHONE RINGING)" "Yeah." "(SIREN WAILS)" "(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)" "Hi, Emma, Emma Bryant." "Her water broke, she came in a few hours ago." "I'm the father." "Miss Bryant?" "Yeah." "She's recovering." "She's recovering?" "Don't worry, she's fine." "Your son was born 45 minutes ago." "I missed it." "Are you sure?" "Pretty sure." "What room are they in?" "Where are they?" "Stat." "6820." "6820, okay." "(SIGHS)" "(WOMAN PAGING FOR DOCTOR)" "Hey." "Man, I'm so sorry." "I'm sorry." "Thanks for coming." "(WHISPERS) Hey." "You guys wanna meet my son?" "Yes." "Oh... (BABY COOING)" "(SINGING SOFTLY)" "No, man, I wouldn't know." "(COOING)" "(BABY CRIES)" "Yeah, baby... (SOFTLY) Oh, cute." "(MAKES POPPING SOUND) (LAUGHS)" "Can I try it?" "(BABIES CRYING)" "I'm gonna grab some food." "Hmm." "Hey." "Harry, I got a secret for you." "You wanna know why we call your dad Rocks?" "He literally has just these, nasty, gigantic, Godzilla sized testicles." "(LAUGHS) So there it is." "You know, that's the kinda stuff you learn about your college roommate." "Most of it is..." "(CLEARS THROAT) disgusting." "So..." "All right, what else." "Not too much pain?" "(LAUGHS)" "Hanging in." "I should've been there." "I should've been there." "I'm so sorry." "I wasn't mad." "How can you say that?" "I just wasn't..." "JAKE:" "What else can I tell you guys?" "Your parents will probably tell you that you're special." "But chances are, you're not." "Unique, yeah, sure, I can buy that." "But not special, come on." "Just because you can draw doesn't mean you're an artist." "And there is no such thing as a permanent record." "So have some fun in elementary school." "Yeah, you." "Columbus didn't discover America and the guy was kind of an asshole." "And trust me when I tell you, that your parents, are only looking out for your best interests, okay?" "You know, I..." "I..." "So call them once in a while." "You know, believe me on that one because..." "I'm telling you." "There will be a time." "When you can't anymore." "So, you know..." "I know it's a hassle." "You don't even need any excuse." "Just call and say hi." "(SIGHS)" "Hey, buddy, can we leave for a bit?" "Emma is sleeping, why, what's up." "I think we got to do one last thing." "Thank you." "I got that." "Here, thanks." "So..." "She really wasn't upset that you weren't there?" "(SIGHS) I think we've both known for a while now, no matter how much we want to, we're just not in love." "Maybe we never were." "But everything is gonna work out, right?" "I think so, now, yeah." "In a way." "This is a fun story." "Tonight, at the dinner party, I shat in the bath tub." "(LAUGHING)" "You did not." "(ALL WHOOPING)" "(LAUGHING)" "Whoo-hoo!" "(ALL WHOOPING)" "(EXHALES) Awesome." "(SIGHS)" "(SPLASHES)" "JAKE:" "Hey, I really appreciate what you guys did for me today." "Even you, kinda." "But..." "I'm still leaving." "I have to." "I got to move on I gotta..." "Face the future, you know." "Good." "Good?" "Good." "Good riddance." "(CHUCKLES)"