"Deep Space Station K-7 now within sensor range." "Good." "This flight is supposed to provide both experience and knowledge." "How close will we come to a Klingon outpost if we continue on this course?" "One parsec, sir." "Close enough to smell them." "That is illogical." "Odours cannot travel through the vacuum of space." " l was making a little joke, sir." " Extremely little." "Mr Spock, immediate past history of the quadrant?" "Dispute between two parties since initial contact." "Battle of Donatu V was fought near here 23 solar years ago....inconclusive." " Analysis of disputed area." " Undeveloped." "Sherman's Planet is claimed by our Federation and the Klingons." " We do have the better claim." " The area was mapped by Ivan Burkoff." "John Burke." "Burke, sir?" "I don't think so. I'm sure it was..." "John Burke was the chief astronomer at the Royal Academy in old Britain." "Oh, Royal Academy!" "Well... ls the rest of your history that faulty?" "Key points of dispute?" "In the Organian Peace Treaty, one side must prove it can develop the planet most efficiently." "And though the Klingons are brutal and aggressive, they are most efficient." "Peter the Great had a problem like that." "Captain?" "Kirk here." "I'm picking up a subspace distress call from Space Station K-7." " Go to warp factor 6." " Code One." "That's a disaster code." "This is a Red Alert." "Man your battle stations." "All hands." "Space - the final frontier." "These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise." "Its five-year mission, to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilisations, to boldly go where no man has gone before." "Captain's log, stardate 4523.3." "Deep Space Station K-7 has issued a Priority One call." "More than an emergency, it signals near or total disaster." "We assume the Klingons have attacked." "We are armed for battle." "Phasers armed and ready, sir." "But...there is nothing there." "Just the station." "Priority One distress call." "It's just absolutely peaceful." " Lieutenant, break subspace silence." " Aye, sir." "The channel's open, sir." "This is Captain Kirk of the Enterprise." "What is your emergency?" "Captain Kirk, this is a Mr Lurry, manager of K-7." "I must apologise for the distress call." "You issued a Priority One distress call." "State the nature of your emergency." "Well, perhaps you'd better beam over." "I'll try to explain." "You'll...try to explain." "You'd better be prepared to do more than that." "Kirk out." "Mr Spock, I need your help." "Uhura, see that the transporter room is standing by." "Yes, sir." "Transporter room stand by." "If there was no emergency, why did you issue a Priority One distress call?" "That was my order, Captain." "This is Nilz Baris, from Earth to take charge of developing Sherman's Planet." "So you can put an entire quadrant on defence alert?" "Mr Baris is the undersecretary in charge of agricultural affairs." " And that gives him the authority." " Oh." "This is my assistant, Arne Darvin." "This is my first officer, Mr Spock." "I want all available security guards posted around the storage compartments." " Storage compartments?" " Containing the quadrotriticale." "What?" "What's quadrotriticale?" "Wheat?" "So what?" "The quadrotriticale is not wheat, Captain." "I wouldn't expect you to know about such things." "Quadrotriticale is a rather... lt is a high-yield grain, a four-lobed hybrid of wheat and rye." "A perennial, also, if I'm not mistaken." "Its root grain, triticale, can trace its ancestry back to 20th Century Canada..." "You've made your point." "It's the only Earth grain that will grow in Sherman's Planet." "We have several tons here." "We have to get it to Sherman's Planet safely." "Mr Baris thinks Klingon agents may try to sabotage it." "You issued a distress call for a couple of tons of wheat?" "Quadrotriticale." "Of course, I realise that..." "You summon the Enterprise without an emergency." "You take full responsibility." " What do you mean?" " Priority One misuse is an offence." "I did not misuse the Priority One channel. I want that grain protected." "Couldn't you at least post a couple of guards?" "We do have a large number of ships passing through." "It would seem a logical precaution." "The Sherman's Planet affair is important to the Federation." "Kirk to Enterprise." "Secure from general quarters." "And beam down two security guards." "Have them report to Mr Lurry." "Authorise shore leave for all off-duty personnel." " Yes, Captain." " Kirk out." "How dare you authorise two men for a project of this importance?" "I have never questioned the orders or intelligence of any Federation representative." "Until now." "Summoning a starship on a priority channel to guard storage compartments." "Storage compartments of wheat." "Nevertheless, the Klingons would not enjoy us developing Sherman's Planet." "I guess not." "I see you didn't waste any time taking shore leave." " How often do I get shore leave?" " She wants to shop. I'm helping her." "Excuse me, excuse me." "Mr Chekov, what do you make of this?" "Oh." "Quadrotriticale. I've read about this but I've never seen any before." " Does everyone know about this?" " Not everyone, Captain." " lt's a Russian invention." " Ah." "I don't want any. I told you before, I'm telling you again." "I don't want any more Spican flame gems." "Thanks to you, I already have enough to last me a lifetime." "You won't find a finer stone anywhere." "But I have something better." "Surely you want some..." "Antarian Glow Water." "I use that to polish the flame gems." "You're a difficult man to reach, but I have something from the far reaches of the galaxy." " Surely you want." " Not at your price." "What is it?" "is it alive?" "May I hold it?" "Oh, it's adorable." "What is it?" "What is it?" "Why, lovely lady, it's a tribble." "Tribble?" "The sweetest creature known to man, excepting, of course, your lovely self." "It's purring!" "Listen, it's purring." "It's only saying that it likes you." " Are you selling them?" " That's what we're trying to decide now." "My friend, ten credits apiece is a reasonable price." "You can see how much the lovely little lady appreciates the finer things." " One credit apiece." " He won't bite, will he?" "Sir, transporting harmful animals is against regulations." "Or weren't you aware of that?" "Besides, tribbles have no teeth." " l'll double my offer." "Two credits." " Twice nothing is still nothing." "If you're not gonna take him, I am." "I think he's cute." " Four credits." " ls that an offer or a joke?" " That's my offer." " That's a joke." " Five?" " l can see you're an honest man." "I'm going to lessen my price to eight and a half credits." "You're talking yourself out of a deal." " Six credits." "Not a credit more." " Seven and a half." "Seven?" "All right, you robber." "Six credits." " Done." "When can I have them?" " Right away." "What are you selling them for?" "Well, let me see, little lady." "Six credits." "A reasonable bargain for a small profit." "10% mark-up." "Ten credits." " Thief." " l'll sell you this one." " Hey." "He's eating my grain." " That'll be ten credits." "That is my sample." "I'll do with it as I please." "And I please to give it to the lovely little lady here." "Oh, I couldn't." "Could I?" " l insist." " Are you trying to ruin the market?" "Once this lovely lady starts to show this precious darling around, you won't be able to keep up with them." " Yes, what is it?" " From Starfleet." "Priority channel." " Admiral Fitzpatrick speaking." " Put it on visual." " Captain Kirk?" " Kirk here." "It is not necessary to remind you of the importance of Sherman's Planet." "The key to winning this planet is the grain quadrotriticale." "The shipment must be protected." "Effective immediately, render any aid that Undersecretary Baris requires." "The safety of the grain and the project is your responsibility." " Starfleet out." " Now that's just lovely." "But not totally unexpected." " Captain Kirk?" " Yes, Lieutenant?" "What is it?" "Sensors are picking up a Klingon battle cruiser closing on the station." "Red Alert." "Notify Mr Lurry we'll be right up." "What is the position of the Klingon ship?" "100 kilometres off K-7." "It's just sitting there." " l have Mr Lurry." " Put him on visual." "Mr Lurry, there's a Klingon warship 100 kilometres away." " l don't think they're planning to attack." " Why not?" "Because the captain of the Klingon ship is sitting right here with me." "Cancel Red Alert." "We'll beam right down." "Security, cancel Red Alert." "Captain's log, stardate 4524.2." "A Klingon warship is hovering only 100 kilometres from Deep Space Station K-7 while its captain waits in the office." "Their intentions are unknown." " My dear Captain Kirk." " My dear Captain Koloth." "Be sure my intentions are peaceful." "As I've told Mr Lurry, the purpose of my presence is to invoke shore leave rights." " Shore leave?" " Captain." "We Klingons are not as luxury-minded as you Earthers." "We do not equip our ships with, how shall I say it, non-essentials." "We have been in space for five months." "What we choose as recreation is our own business." "I might also add that under the Organian Peace Treaty, you cannot refuse us." "Yes, well, I don't make those decisions." "Mr Lurry is in charge of those matters." "Captain, may I speak to you a minute?" "I don't want them here, but I don't have the authority to refuse." "Well, I have the authority to act." "I'm gonna use it." "My dear Captain Koloth." "You may indeed bring your men down on shore leave, but only 12 at a time." "And I assure you that for every man you bring down, I'll have a security guard." "There will be no trouble." "There's been no formal declaration of hostilities between our governments." "So, naturally, our relationship will be a peaceful one." "Let us both take steps to keep it that way." "Of course." " Another technical journal?" " Aye." " Don't you ever relax?" " l am relaxing." "How long have you had that thing, Lieutenant?" "Since yesterday." "This morning, I found out that he, I mean she, had had babies." "In that case, you got a bargain." " Are you running a nursery?" " Oh, Captain." "I hadn't intended to, but the tribble had other plans." "Did you get this at the space station?" " Yes, sir." " Most curious creature, Captain." "Its trilling seems to have a tranquillising effect on the human nervous system." "Fortunately, of course, I am immune to its effects." "Do you mind if I take one of these down to the lab?" "Well, all right, but if you want to dissect it, I don't want to know about it." "I won't harm a hair on its head, wherever that is." "Seeing as you're giving them away, can I have one?" "Oh, sure." "Why not?" "I think they're old enough." "Go ahead." "Bridge to Captain Kirk." " Kirk here." " Mr Baris is on Channel E, sir." " Pipe it down here, will you?" " Aye, sir." "Mr Baris is coming on." "What can I do for you?" "Kirk, this station is swarming with Klingons." "I was not aware 12 Klingons constituted a swarm." "Captain Kirk, there are Klingon soldiers on this station." "I want you to keep that grain safe." "Mr Baris, I have guards around the grain." "I have guards around the Klingons." "They are there because Starfleet wants them there." "As for what you want... lt has been noted and logged." "Kirk out." "Captain, may I ask where you'll be?" "Sickbay with a headache." "Bones, what have you got for a headache?" " Let me guess." "The Klingons." "Baris." " Both." "How many of these did Uhura give you?" " Just one." " But you've got 11." "You noticed that, huh?" " Here." "This ought to take care of it." " How do they... I haven't figured that out yet." "But I can tell you this." "Almost 50% of its metabolism is geared for reproduction." "Do you know what you get if you feed a tribble too much?" "A fat tribble." "No." "A whole bunch of hungry little tribbles." "Well, Bones, all I can suggest is you open up a maternity ward." "All you men on shore leave stay in groups." "Avoid trouble with Klingons." "I'll tell them before they go, sir." "Aren't you going on shore leave?" " No, sir." " l want you to go on shore leave." "Make sure everyone stays out of trouble." "But Captain..." "Aye, sir." "Scotty, enjoy yourself." "Ah, friend." "Can I offer you a charming little tribble?" "Um..." "No, thanks." "Perhaps one of you other gents?" "Ah..." "Mm..." "Friend Klingon." "Can I interest you in a harmless little tribble?" " Get it away from me." " l'm sorry. I... I don't understand." "I've never seen them act this way." "Get out with that parasite." " He's a harmless little..." " Take it away!" "Ah, my good friend!" "How would you like to enter another little transaction?" " This time, a tribble for a spot of..." " A tribble?" "Indeed." "A tribble." "When are you gonna get off that milk diet?" " This is vodka." " Where I come from, it's soda pop." " This is a drink for a man." " Scotch?" " Aye." " invented by an old lady from Leningrad." "The Earthers like those fuzzy things, don't they?" "Yes." "Frankly, I never liked Earthers." "They remind me of Regulan blood worms." "Cossack!" "Easy, lad." "You ought to be more forgiving." "Oh. I just remembered." "There is one Earth man who doesn't remind me of a Regulan blood worm." "That's Kirk." "A Regulan blood worm is soft and shapeless." "But Kirk isn't soft." "Kirk may be a swaggering, overbearing, tin-plated dictator with delusions of godhood." "But he's not soft." "Take it easy, lad." "Everybody's entitled to an opinion." "That's right." "And if I think that Kirk is a Denebian slime devil, well, that's my opinion too." "Don't do it, mister." "That's an order." " You heard what he called the captain." " Forget it. lt's not worth fighting for." "We're big enough to take a few insults." "Now drink your drink." "Of course, I'd say that Captain Kirk deserves his ship." "We like the Enterprise." "We..." "We really do." "That sagging old rust bucket is designed like a garbage scow." "Half the quadrant knows it." "That's why they're learning to speak Klingonese." "Mr Scott!" "Laddie, don't you think you should rephrase that?" "You're right. I should." "I didn't mean to say the Enterprise should be hauling garbage." "I meant to say it should be hauled away as garbage." "Captain's log, stardate 4525.6." "A small disturbance between the Klingon crew and the Enterprise crew has broken out aboard space station K-7." "I am forced to cancel shore leave for both ships." "I want to know who started it." "I'm waiting." "Freeman?" "Who started it?" " l don't know, sir." " All right." "Chekov." "I know you." "You started it, didn't you?" " No, sir. I didn't." " Who did?" " l don't know, sir." " l don't know, sir... I wanna know who threw the first punch." "You're all confined to quarters till I find out who started it." "Dismissed." "Scotty, not you." " You were supposed to prevent trouble." " Aye, Captain." "Who threw the first punch?" " Um..." "Mr Scott?" " l did, Captain." " You did?" " What caused it?" " They insulted us, sir." " lt must have been some insult." " Aye, it was." " You threw the first punch." " Aye." " Chekov wanted to but I held him back." " You held..." "Why did Chekov want to start a fight?" "Well, the Klingon, sir..." "is this off the record?" "No, this is not off the record." "Well, Captain." "The Klingons called you a tin-plated, overbearing dictator with delusions of godhood." "That's all?" "They also compared you with a Denebian slime devil." " And they said you..." " l get the picture." "Yes, sir." "And after they said all this, that's when you hit them." " No, sir." " No?" "No, I didn't." "You told us to avoid trouble." " Oh, yes." " l didn't see it was worth fighting for." "After all, we're big enough to take a few insults." "Aren't we?" "What started the fight?" "They called the Enterprise a garbage scow, sir." "I see." "And...that's when you hit the Klingon?" "Yes, sir." "You hit the Klingons because they insulted the Enterprise, not because they..." "Well, sir." "This was a matter of pride." "All right, Scotty." "Dismissed." "You're restricted to quarters until further notice." "Yes, sir." "Thank you, sir." "That'll give me a chance to catch up on technical journals." "What's the matter, Spock?" "There's something disquieting about these creatures." " Don't tell me you've got a feeling." " Don't be insulting." "They remind me of lilies." "They toil not, neither do they spin." "But they seem to eat a great deal." "I see no practical use for them." "Does everything have to have a practical use?" "They're nice, soft and furry and they make a pleasant sound." "So would an ermine violin, but I see no advantage in having one." "It is human to love little animals, especially if they are attractive." "I am well aware of human characteristics. I am inundated by them but have trained myself to put up with anything." "I don't know much about tribbles, but I've discovered one thing." " What is that, Doctor?" " l like them." " Better than I like you." " Doctor?" "They have one redeeming characteristic." " What's that?" " They do not talk too much." "If you'll excuse me, sir." "Dr McCoy, would you mind coming up to the bridge?" "Lieutenant Uhura, how did all these tribbles get on the bridge?" "I don't know, sir." "They do seem to be all over the ship." " Dr McCoy." " Yes." "Did you want to see me?" "Don't look at me." "It's the tribbles who are breeding." " We're gonna be hip deep in them." " Will you explain that?" "They're born pregnant, which seems to be quite a time saver." "I know, but really..." "And from my observations, it seems they're bisexual, reproducing at will." " And they have a lot of will." " l'm forced to agree with the doctor." "I've run computations on their reproduction." "The figures are alarming." "They're consuming our supplies and returning nothing." "But they do give us something." "They give us love." "Cyrano Jones says a tribble is the only love that money can't buy." "Too much of anything, even love, isn't necessarily a good thing." "Yes, Captain." "Get the maintenance crew to clean up the ship." "And then contact Mr Lurry and tell him I'm beaming down." "Have him find Cyrano Jones and hold him." "And get these tribbles off the bridge." "Aye-aye, Captain." "I'm mystified by your tone. I've done nothing to warrant such treatment." "Oh, really?" "You knew what would happen when they were taken from their environment into an environment where their multiplying has no restraining factors." "Well, of course." "What did you say?" "By removing the tribbles from their natural habitat, you have removed the cork from the bottle and the genie has escaped." "By that, you mean do they breed quickly?" "That's how I maintain my stock." "Breeding is not against regulations." "Only breeding dangerous animals." "These are not dangerous." " Just incredibly prolific." " Precisely." "And at six credits a head, well, that is, a body, it mounts up." "You should sell an instruction manual for this." "Then what would happen to the search for knowledge?" "I must be tending my ship." "Au revoir." "Go ahead, sir." "Tell him." "I consider your security measures a disgrace." "You have taken this project far too lightly." "On the contrary. I think of this project as very important." "It is you I take lightly." "I am going to report fully to the proper authorities that you have given complete access to this station to a man who is probably a Klingon agent." "To whom are you referring?" "That man who just walked out of here." " Cyrano Jones, a Klingon agent?" " You heard me." " l heard you." " He could not believe his ears." "What evidence do you have?" "My assistant has kept Mr Jones under surveillance for some time." "His actions have been most suspicious." "He was involved in that altercation between your man and the..." " What else do you have?" " l've checked his ship's log." "He was within the Klingon sphere of influence four months ago." "He is an independent scout. lt's also possible that he's a Klingon spy." "We have already checked on Cyrano Jones." "He is a licensed asteroid locator and prospector." "He's never broken the law." "For the past seven years, he has obtained a marginal living by engaging in the selling of rare merchandise including, unfortunately, tribbles." " He is after my grain." " Do you have any proof?" "He's disrupted this station." "People have disrupted stations without being Klingon agents." "Sometimes, all they need is a title." "Unfortunately, disrupting a space station is not an offence." "Now, excuse me." "I have a ship to tend to." "Au revoir." "My chicken sandwich and coffee." "This is my chicken sandwich and coffee." " Fascinating." " l want these things off the ship." "Aye, they're into the machinery all right, and probably in all the food processors." " How?" " Through the air vents." "There are vents of that type on the space station." "And in the storage compartments." "Contact Manager Lurry and Nilz Baris." "Meet us near the storage compartments." "We're beaming down." "Come on, Spock." "Energise." " What's wrong?" " Plenty, if what I think has happened." " ls that door secure?" " Nothing could get in." "Good." "Open it." " lt's not working." "Seems to be stuck." " Let me try." " They seem to be gorged." " Gorged?" "On my grain?" "Kirk, I am going to hold you responsible." " There must be thousands." " Hundreds of thousands." "1,771,561." "That's assuming one tribble multiplying with a litter of ten producing a generation every 12 hours over three days." "That's assuming they got here three days ago." "Allowing for the grain consumed and volume of storage compartment." "Kirk, you should have known." "You are responsible for turning the development into a disaster." "And I am through being intimidated." "You have insulted me, ignored me, walked all over me." "You abused your authority and rejected my requests." "And this is the result." "I am going to hold you responsible." "I'll hold you in irons if you don't shut up." "Jim, I think I've got it." "All we have to do is quit feeding them." "Quit feeding them, they stop breeding." "Now he tells me." "This tribble is dead." "And so are these." "A lot of them are dead." "A lot are alive, but they won't be for long." "There is something in the grain." "I want the tribbles, the grain, everything analysed." "I want to know what killed them." "I haven't figured out what keeps them alive yet." "If I find out anything, I'll let you know." "That isn't going to do you any good." "This project is ruined and Starfleet is going to hear about it." "When they do, they will have a board of enquiry and they will roast you alive." "And I will be there to enjoy every minute of it." "Until that board of enquiry, I'm still Captain." "And I want two things done." "First find Cyrano Jones, and second..." "Close that door." " Really. I must protest this treatment." " Mr Jones, with an armful." " A few questions." " Captain Kirk!" "What do you want?" "An official apology to the Klingon high command." "I expect you to assume full responsibility for the persecution of Klingons." " An apology?" " Yes." "You've harassed my men, treated them like criminals." "You've been uncourteous." " lf you wish to avoid an incident..." " No, you can't let him." "That will give them a claim to Sherman's Planet." "More than the word of an aggrieved Klingon would be necessary for that." "Mr Spock, as far as Sherman's Planet is concerned," "Captain Kirk has already given it to us." "Well, we'll see about that, but before I take any official action, I'd like to know just what happened." "Who put the tribbles in the quadrotriticale and what killed them?" "Before you go on, may I make a request?" "Yes." "Can you get those things out of here?" " Remarkable." " Hold on." " You said tribbles liked everybody." " They do." "I can't understand." "The last time I saw one act this way was at the bar." " What was in the bar?" " Klingons." "Him for one." "You're right, Mr Jones." "They don't like Klingons." "But they do like Vulcans." "I didn't know you had it in you." " Obviously tribbles are very perceptive." " Obviously." "Mr Baris, they like you." "Well, there's no accounting for taste." "They don't like you, Mr Darvin." "I wonder why." "Bones?" "Heartbeat is all wrong." "His body temperature is..." "Jim, this man is a Klingon." "A Klingon?" "I wonder what Starfleet Command will say about that." "What about the grain, Bones?" " Oh, yes. lt was poisoned." " Poisoned?" "It's been impregnated with a virus which turns into an inert material in the blood." "The more the organism eats, the more inert matter builds up." "After two or three days, they couldn't take in enough nourishment to survive." "They starved. ln a storage compartment full of grain, they starved to death." "That is essentially it." " Mr Darvin, are you going to talk?" " l have nothing to say." " l poisoned the grain." " The tribbles weren't involved?" "I never saw one in my life, and I hope I never see one of those things again." "I'm certain that can be arranged." "Guards?" "If you'll excuse me, Captain." " Captain Koloth." "About that apology." " Yes." "You have six hours to get your ship out of Federation territory." "I think I could learn to like tribbles." " l suppose I'm free to go now." " No, you're not." "There's something I want to show you." "Know the penalty for transporting an animal harmful to human life?" "Captain, one little tribble isn't...harmful." "You wouldn't do a thing like that, would you?" "The penalty is 20 years in a rehabilitation colony." "Captain Kirk." "Friend Kirk." "Surely we can come to some sort of mutual understanding." "After all, my tribbles did put you wise to the poisoned grain." "And they did help you to find the Klingon agent." "You saved a lot of lives that way." " There is one thing you can do." " Yes?" "Pick up every tribble on the space station." "If you do that, I'll speak to Mr Lurry about returning your ship." " lt would take years." " 17.9, to be exact." " 17.9 years." " Consider it job security." "Captain, you're a hard man." "All right, all right!" " You'll do it?" " l'll do it." "Starfleet was able to divert that freighter." "Good." "Sherman's Planet will get its quadrotriticale only a few weeks late." "I don't see any tribbles around here." "And you won't find a tribble on the entire ship." " How did you do that?" " l can't take credit for another's work." " Scotty did it." " Scotty!" "Where are the tribbles?" "Oh." "Er..." "It was really Mr Spock's recommendation." "Of course." "Spock?" "Based on computer analysis, of course." "Taking into account... I don't want to interrupt this mutual admiration, but where are they?" "Tell him, Spock." "Well, it was Mr Scott who performed the actual engineering." "Mr Scott?" "Where are the tribbles?" "I used the transporter." " You used the transporter?" " Aye." "Where did you transport them?" "You didn't transport them into space, did you?" "Captain Kirk." "That'd be inhuman." " Where are they?" " l gave them a good home." " l gave them to the Klingons, sir." " You gave them to the Klingons?" "Before they went into warp, I put them all into their engine room where they'll be no tribble at all."