"This programme contains strong language." "♪ There's a million things That I could change" "♪ But maybe it's all right" "♪ This is my life, this is my life... ♪" "'When Amber talks about boys, it can get a bit predictable.'" "He's gorgeous!" "He's gorgeous." "He's gorgeous!" "He's gorgeous." "You know Ryan?" "He's really gorgeous!" "And he's an amazing kisser!" "'Then sometimes it's not so predictable.'" "I dunno why exactly." "It's sort of like he's got a thousand tongues, like I'm a car and he's a car-wash machine." "I'm actually finding it quite hard to visualise." "You're lucky." "I'm getting a vivid picture." "And have I told you about his you-know-what?" "The unusual conical shape." "No!" "I think I probably would have remembered!" "She probably doesn't mean conical, cos if it was conical, let's face it, it'd be in the museum for boys with freaky penises." "There's a museum for boys with freaky penises?" "No!" "Oh." "Well, anyways, it is conical." "Like one of them orange traffic cones with a slightly rounded end?" "Yeah." "But not orange." "All right?" "Hi, Ryan." "So, er, what's like a traffic cone?" "Oh, I dunno." "Um...an ice-cream cone." "What?" "Well, you know, it's like a traffic cone, cos it's, um... it's the same shape." "But it's got ice cream in it." "Yeah!" "And an ice cream cone is exactly the same shape as Ryan's..." "So, anyway, Ryan, are you liking it here?" "You're not missing Hove too much?" "Nah." "Ryan is loving the local scenery around here." "Just remember the basic rules and you'll be fine." "Stay on the right side of the teachers and never do volleyball." "Yeah, cos Mr Griggs is a giant paedo." "If he's not molesting you, he's showing you pictures of his cat." "Don't go toilet in the end cubical, it's haunted by the ghost of the first ever headmistress, and every 13th flush, she whooshes up out of the toilet and puts a death curse on you." "Even you can't actually believe that, can you?" "No!" "Course not." "What's that?" "What?" "Holli, what you got in there?" "Nothing." "Isn't that your dad?" "Yeah." "Who wants a lift?" "Sorry, Saz." "Ah, thanks a lot" "Forgot I had my bike." "I'll put it in the boot!" "That's Amber's new boyfriend." "So?" "Why would I be interested?" "Cos you were staring at 'em like you were going to burst into tears." "What?" "No way, man." "I don't give a shit." "He's called Ryan." "I know what he's called." "He comes here to our school with some story about moving here from Hove." "What's that about?" "Could it be that he's moved here from Hove?" "!" "Oh, yeah, yeah, but he comes here, onto my territory, looking at my women, walking my streets, breathing my air, and that makes me want to know who the fuck he is." "Yeah, there is something weird..." "Look, he's not what he seems." "There's a big, fat file on him somewhere, and I mean fat." "He's got a secret, and it's something bad." "And when I say bad, I mean wrong." "And when I say wrong, I mean nasty." "My Auntie Rose works in the school office." "That's all I'm saying." "We did not have this conversation." "Didn't realise you was working for the MI5 now, Brandon." "Just keep me posted on any new developments, yeah?" "Yeah." "All right." "Dickhead." "You'll have to carry this thing on your own from here." "Wait a minute." "We're best mates, right?" "Right." "We'd do anything for each other?" "This isn't about getting me to help you pull out Jemima's hair extensions, is it?" "No!" "Nothing like that." "'As well as being Holli's best mate, 'it's like I have to be her mum and dad as well." "'But then she has to be a mum and dad 'to all her brothers and sisters.'" ""Mayhem" by Imelda May" "♪ Mayhem, doo doo doo-doop" "♪ Yeah, mayhem, doo doo doo-doop" "♪ Yeah, mayhem, doo doo doo-doop... ♪" "'Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't want her any other way." "'Except for hitting people, thieving stuff and being a tearaway, 'she's a proper lovely girl.'" "Don't tell anyone, right?" "What the...?" "A rat?" "You've...you've...you've stolen a rat?" "No, I've stolen a hamster." "I had to do it, man." "It's an emergency situation." "No!" "When you end up in the pupil referral unit with all the other kids who like stabbing each other, then it'll be an emergency situation!" "D'you want to get kicked out of school?" "No-one'll find out about it, innit." "There's CCTV everywhere." "It's OK, I got a disguise." "Oh, my God." "Why?" "It's for my brother Armani's birthday." "He's desperate for a pet." "That's why they have pet shops." "I'm banned, aren't I?" "Oh, yeah." "The incident." "No-one understands - it was scientific curiosity." "I just wanted to see what happens when fish get drunk." "I remember." "I didn't realise they'd all just fucking die, did I?" "Look, Holli, I gotta go." "Dad's taking me to get a laptop and he's even promised not to make me get the cheapest one." "You're so lucky!" "Aww!" "Come here!" "Get off!" "I'm fine." "Yeah, that's it." "Lezz it up, sluts!" "Get your tongues in!" "Ooh, what you got in there, your lezzy strap-on collection?" "Oh, no!" "You lost your phone?" "Give it back!" "Make me." "Or come get it." "It's down there somewhere." "Give me back my fucking phone!" "Just stick your hand down there." "It's in there somewhere." "What's the matter, you scared?" "Ah, look, his hand's shakin'." "Or you could just aks nicely." "Please can I have my phone back?" "Yeah, course you can." "Ooh!" "Someone's calling you." "You've got it on vibrate." "Ooh!" "It's nice!" "No, please!" "My mum will kill me if I lose it." "Uh-oh!" "I think I've lost it." "BOY GROANS" "Oh, no." "Wait." "Ah!" "There it is." "D'you want to take that?" "'Tea will be on the table by now...'" "All right, Mum?" "The thing is, I need you to look after it." "Just till Saturday." "Please, Viva!" "Best mates, right?" "Dinner is served." "'Some boys are into music or Xbox or football." "'My brother has a different hobby.'" "Can't you stop playing with your penis even when you're eating?" "What you talking about?" "I can tell by your face." "Oh, my God!" "He just touched the ketchup with his wanking hand!" "Dad!" "OK, OK!" "Jamie, go wash your hands." "This whole playing with yourself and then touching your food - it's just not cool." "Not cool?" "It's disgusting!" "We've gotta go." "You two are going somewhere?" "Are we?" "We're getting a scan of the baby." "How could you forget that?" "!" "But you said you'd take me to get a laptop." "Did I?" "How could you forget that?" "!" "Epic fail!" "It's not a problem." "You can come with us to the scan and then..." "I'm so not interested in what your child looks like." "Rob, we've gotta go now." "Sorry, love." "Oh, forget it!" "Just go with her." "I'm only your daughter" "It's not that big a deal not having a laptop, Viva." "I teach at your school." "Well, not really." "Meaning?" "You're a PE teacher." "It's not like being a real teacher, is it?" "I did a four-year course." "Ah, yeah, I'm sure." "Year one - handing out bibs." "Year two - blowing a whistle." "Year three - teaching PE teachers how to spell "PE"." "Oh, and year four..." "That's enough!" "One more word out of you, you'll be lucky to get a Biro." "You know, I'd just like to say that this pregnancy is my special time and I don't want anything or anyone to spoil the preciousness..." "Christ, Jamie, will you stop playing with your doodle-donger!" "Thanks so much for leaving me to get the bus on my own" "Really appreciated that." "Oh, that's all right." "Now, I saw you talking to Brandon." "What'd he say about me?" "We were talking about Ryan." "Mm." "Cos Brandon still likes me and he's jealous?" "Hang on." "What did Brandon say about still liking you?" "Oh, yeah, I remember." "Nothing!" "Are you sure?" "Um, let me think." "Yes!" "Come on, he's obviously jealous." "Oh, my God!" "You've got two boys that want you?" "That is, "Oh, my God"!" "I'm not supposed to tell anyone this, but..." "Brandon thinks Ryan's got a secret." "What secret?" "I love secrets!" "Is he getting me a kitten?" "No!" "With a little pink bow in its hair!" "Don't know what the secret is, but Brandon says it's bad and wrong and nasty." "Well, if you think about it, the one thing we know about Ryan is that we know absolutely nothing..." "..about Ryan." "We know he comes from Hove, although strangely, he doesn't have a Welsh accent." "It's just a bit weird him turning up, middle of term." "There's something weird about him." "Well, he could be..." "This is just a random idea." "..he could be one of those men who pretend to be teenagers so they can go back to school and meet girls, and in actual fact, he's 30!" "He's 30?" "!" "Which would basically make him a paedo." "No way!" "He's not 30." "Well, no!" "He's 17, his birthday's April, he's a Taurean, which is a dangerous mix with a Pisces, like me." "So far we've been lucky, but if my moon enters Venus, it is, like, oh, my God!" "Oh, sorry I'm late" " I had to puke." "This little bear cub's got a mean streak." "OK, jogging on the spot." "I trust Ryan." "Oh, good!" "I've been hoping we'll all talk about Ryan again" "Maybe you can tell us that story about how he had seven fish fingers for his tea once." "You don't get it, Saz." "When a girl loves a boy, all the tiny things seem really, really, really amazing." "Like, even his blackheads." "But you wouldn't understand, cos you only love fractions." "Ohh!" "Cuss!" "No." "I get it." "I understand about love and that." "Just not a slag." "Ohh, double cuss!" "Oh." "Amber, just ask him about his past." "If he's got nothing to hide, he'll tell you." "If you do decide to dump him, could you get a picture of his weird conical cock first, please?" "'Mel used to be our goalie before she had a kid, 'and she was well talented." "'She used to make fake IDs, forge notes from parents 'and she always remembered to smuggle vodka 'onto the bus for the away games." "'Like I said, well talented.'" "Could you keep an eye on Bitchcock for me and see what she gets up to?" "Why?" "My dad's having a baby with her and I want to check she's not up to anything." "What, like a private detective?" "Did you know I wanted to be a policewoman once?" "Mel, you still can." "You can go back to college when Baldie's older." "And do what?" "You're good at loads of things." "Well..." "I can roll a spliff with one hand while I change a shitty nappy with the other hand." "That must be useful." "Yeah." "And no-one wants to share that spliff neither." "Here, d'you want a rollie?" "No, thanks." "I've found out Ryan's secret and it's really bad." "He's got a tattoo of a rose on his chest." "And at first, I thought it looked well sexy and cool, but then I looked it up online and it turns out that a tattoo of a rose on his chest means he's in the Russian mafia." "Deep breaths." "I don't want a boyfriend who's in the Russian mafia." "Amber, he comes from Hove." "He's not in the Russian mafia." "Yeah, but when I asked him about his past, he acted all weird." "Well, what did he say?" "He said, "There's stuff about me and it's best you don't know."" "And I said, "What stuff?" And he said, "It's best you don't know."" "And I was too scared to say, "Are you in the Russian mafia?"" "in case he had to take me to the forest and kill me." "So, what'd you do?" "Drank six bottles of Smirnoff Ice, had two shags, watched three episodes of Ice Road Truckers." "Even though you thought he was a deadly gangster?" "And I got this." "It's Ryan's." "You stole his phone?" "Amber!" "No, I didn't steal it." "What happened was, after Ice Road Truckers, Ryan went for a poo and he was in there for ages and there was a really bad smell..." "Really?" " Tell me more about that." " What sort of smell was it" "It was hard to describe..." "What happened after Ryan went to the toilet?" "He wanted to try for a third shag, but my mum and dad came home, so he left in a big hurry and I found this behind the back of the toilet." "You stole his phone, like I said." "So, you've read all his messages?" "No." "I wanted to, but I can't work out how to use his phone." "Give it here." "Ah!" "Come on, Saz, it's special circumstances." "I don't want anything to do with this!" "There we go." "I don't want to see." "I'm just not the type of person to read other people's texts." "Well, then, scrape out, then." "Woah, Amber!" "You need to be careful what kind of pictures you're sending him." "Though I suppose it could be anybody's bum." "He loves my bum." "Uh-oh." "Wait." "That is so not my bum." "Still don't want to see, but what is it?" "You might as well look." "'Saz hasn't had much experience of naked people yet." "'Now she's pretty much seen it all.'" "You're looking at pictures of naked girls on your boyfriend's phone." "Why are you so happy?" "All these girls are fatter than me." "'Cute, fluffy and not very bright." "'Amber has a lot in common with 'the hamster I'm looking after for Holli.'" "Kill that sucker!" "Kill that sucker, kill that sucker!" "Ohh!" "That sucker killed you!" "He always gets me." "It's like he hates me." "Can you be quiet?" "I'm trying to "smill"." "Can you "smill" that "smill"?" "Oh, what?" "She's saying "smell"." "Like a rodent smill." "I've been terrified of rodents since a rat nested in my teddy bear when I was three." "I can't smell nothing." "Probably Jamie's aftershave." "Eau de Ratboy." "No." "I've had a heightened sense of smell since I've been pregnant." "Like a sniffer dog." "It's getting stronger." "Dad, your girlfriend needs a walk." "Get 'im, get 'im!" "Use your sword, use your sword." "Use your sword!" "Your sword!" "Yes!" "I did it!" "Level three!" "What level are you on?" "12." "It's coming from your room, Viva." "No, it's not, and my room's private." "I do not give you permission to go in there." "We want to know what's causing that "smill"." "Smell." "Probably a pile of her rotten underwear." "It's takeaway we had last night from that dodgy Chinese." "I might have left some pork balls in my room." "No, it's rodent." "I know it." "Anna, would you stop sniffing the floor like a bloody beagle?" "Viva, move." "This...this is abusing my human rights." "'We learnt about this thing called aversion therapy 'in my psychology A-level." "'It's this proper clever way 'of curing mental people of their phobias.'" "Oh, it's actually quite cute." "Yeah!" "Oooh!" "Fricking..." "Frick..." "Ah, Jesus!" "This fucker's killing me!" "When you said "dead", I didn't realise you meant this dead." "I know." "I'm so sorry." "We tried everything we could to save him." "Dad gave him the kiss of life, Jamie gave him chest compressions." "I tried to shock him with my straighteners." "But when he started to smell char-grilled, we...we realised it was over." "This is bad." "I know." "I couldn't sleep a wink last night." "Every time I close my eyes, I can still see him slide down the fridge." "There he goes again." "This is all my fault." "No, you was just trying to help." "You're not taking the blame for this." "Why don't we just tell the truth?" "Are you mental?" "!" "Let me do the talking." "If it all goes pear-shaped, I'll... pretend I'm having a panic attack." "How'd they even find out it was you?" "CCTV." "What about your disguise?" "I forgot my feet, innit?" "Is there something the matter with him?" "No!" "He's just...chillin'." "He's chilling?" "Yeah." "He's tired." "Holli, he's stiff." "Well...well, I wouldn't stay stiff, Miss." "He's more than stiff." "He's crispy, like... a furry Ryvita." "Don't say that, Miss." "You've killed him!" "You've killed Harry!" "It wasn't my fault, Miss." "I didn't do anything." "It's true, she didn't." "It was my fault." "No." "I've got this." "I promise you, Miss, he was fine a minute ago." "He was running around his wheel, like a tiny greyhound." "His little hamster heart... ..couldn't take it." "All right, Holli, you're not auditioning for RADA." "He's quite obviously been thrown at a wall." "fucking Miami?" "Could you tell me the time of death?" "What did you say?" "Panic... attack!" "Can't... ..breathe!" "Can't...breathe!" "Panic...attack!" "Panic... attack!" "Can't...breathe!" "She does get panic attacks, Miss." "Panic...attack!" "I know, I've been watching her panic for six years." "Panic outside, Holli." "It was totally my fault." "Panic...attack!" "I said panic outside." "Totally my fault, Miss." "I was supposed to be looking after it." "I was a size ten before this job, Viva." "Can you imagine that?" "No, Miss!" "Yes, Miss." "This is me when I worked at a nice private school." "Miss, it's not Holli's fault she's a bit...wild." "I mean, she basically runs the house by herself cos her mum's practically a zombie." "She just wanted to buy Armani a present." "'Miss Jacobs to the canteen.' Holli is having a panic attack." "Wait here." "And do not touch my chocolates!" "I can't believe she didn't exclude us." "Why didn't she exclude us?" "Imminent mental breakdown." "After you left the office, she started showing me her Take That scrapbooks." "And a bra signed by Robbie Williams." "She should have excluded us really." "We killed a hamster." "I know!" "Someone should call Ofsted about her." "And she leaves her top-secret files lying around for anyone to see." "Does she?" "Yeah." "I saw Ryan's file." "I know his secret." "But I can't tell you till we see Amber." "Just tell me." "Has he had a sex change?" "About fucking time!" "If I don't hear this fucking secret soon, I'll fucking die, and I ain't even joking." "I'm meeting Ryan in a minute." "Do I look all right?" "Everyone can see your vagina." "No, wait, possibly your womb." "Apart from that..." "Sit down, babe." "Got something to tell you." "Viva saw Ryan's file." "She knows his secret." "No, he doesn't have a secret." "He told me." "I reckon it's Brandon stirring things up cos he wants to get back with me, cos he misses these puppies." "No, Amber, there actually is a secret." "At his last school," "Ryan... ..bangin' a teacher." "Oh, my God!" "That's so illegal!" "I feel sick." "So, he is a paedophile." "No!" "No, he's not." "Are you upset?" "No, Holli, she's always wanted a boyfriend who shags pensioners" "You've gotta dump him now." "I feel weird." "I can't take it in." "I still like him." "But he banged a teacher, an old lady with grey pubes, saggy baps, who knows all her times tables." "So, are you going to tell him you know?" "Are you going to dump him?" "I don't know." "What if he starts eyeing up your mum?" "!" "He could be going out with you to get to your mum." "He might already be two-timing you with your mum!" "Or your nan!" "I'm just going to go talk to him." "Back in a minute." "Bet she'll dump him." "Er... don't think so." "Looks like he's cleaning her teeth with his tongue." "Or he stored a nut in there and now he wants to get it out." "Maybe that's how they kiss in the Russian mafia." "Oi, perverts!" "Get a room!" "'Having a baby when you're 16 can lead to loneliness." "@Though the ocean of sewage in Baldie's nappy" "@could also be a factor in Mel's case.'" "So...d'you find anything out about Anna?" "Yeah, lots." "I followed her to Waterstones and she bought a book called... 101 Great Youth Soccer Drills." "Is that it?" "And she spent ages looking at a book on baby names and copying them down until someone else wanted to buy it." "Yeah, but anything I can use to put my dad off her?" "Yes!" "I followed her out of Waterstones and into Boots, where she purchased... a large tube of hair removal cream, extra strong for really stubborn hair." "Yeah, Dad knows all about that, but... did you see her meeting any other men?" "Thing is, she saw me in the nappy aisle." "How come?" "I was trying to thieve a bag of nappies." "Great So, you screwed up my whole plan." "After she paid for my nappies, she took me for a coffee at Starbucks." "She's nice when you get to know her." "Well, I think she is." "I was on one of them pills Holli steals from her mum, and it was all just washing over me a bit." "Right." "Thanks, Mel." "And she showed me the scan pictures." "She showed you the scan?" "Yeah." "Funny-looking little thing." "What's that supposed to mean?" "It's got a weird, big, bald alien head." "Must take after your dad!" "That is my little brother or sister you're talking about!" "'It's always difficult to make the first move 'when you know you're in the wrong." "'And even harder when you know you're right 'and the other person is a fucking idiot!" "'But sometimes it's got to be done.'" "Hello, love." "You like a cup of tea?" "Yeah." "Well, make me one while you're at it!" "I'd like to see the scan pictures." "Oh." "Great." "Yeah." "Here y'are." "Fantastic, ain't they?" "Look." "It looks like a prawn!" "Did I look like a prawn?" "Yeah." "But a very cute prawn." "Unlike 'im, who looked more like a giant squid!" "What's that, its arms?" "Yeah, that's the arms." "And that's the legs." "Is that its willy?" "!" "I hope not." "It's a little girl." "It's a girl?" "Yeah." "That's great!" "Ah, shut up, you two!" "I'm trying to hear what Clarkson thinks of the new Bimmer." "Seriously, is there nothing you can do about him publicly masturbating?" "He's not masturbating." "Well, not fully." "440 foot-pounds of torque!" "Fuck's sake, blud." "The doctor said that Jamie's got a very tight foreskin." "Dad!" "Well, the only way to loosen it is to handle it as much as possible." "Oh, that's just nasty!" "It means I can handle it when I want and where I want!" "In fact, Dad, would you be able to write me a note for school?" "New rules - fiddling with your doodle happens in your bedroom." "But it's for medical reasons!" "Doodle, bedroom, end of." ""Mama Do The Hump" by Rizzle Kicks" "It's really nice of you to help with all this." "Armani'll be so happy." "Ryan loves to please." "Amber loves balloons!" "D'you think we'll be allowed to take one home?" "♪ ..." "The driver's all up in your face, like, can I see your bus pass?" "♪ Huh, nah" "♪ We just wanna lickle rhyme, bruv Call me what you want" "♪ But you should not call it a night, love" "♪ And I might just join the mile-high club" "♪ Only problem being that I couldn't give a flying" "♪ Yeah, let me touch back down" "♪ Slap her on the bum until it..." "Comes back round" "♪ Half the room's like, "Oi!" "What's this all about?"" "♪ With the other half jivin' I love that sound... ♪" "So, that's your basic Beyonce." "Come on, Prada, work that booty." "Amber, what's wrong?" "Just thinking about stuff." "Look at Ryan." "What?" "Oh, I can't get it out of my head that he wants old ladies." "Amber, he's just handing round Hobnobs." "That's his sexually aroused face." "Is it?" "God!" "I can't take this any more!" "So, you're finishing it?" "I dunno!" "I can't rush a decision like this." "I need to have a long think about it, work out my options." "Right." "OK, done it." "So...?" "I'm ending it." "Shut up!" "Come on!" "It's time for Armani's big present." "Is that a rat?" "Happy birthday, poo head!" "D'you like him?" "Got him from the bins." "There's loads out there." "Don't take it out!" "Don't take it out!" "Armani, I said don't... ♪ People keep sayin' that I'm doin' it wrong" "♪ But I say it feels all right" "♪ I really do try Really do try, really do try... ♪" "Privyet tovarish." "Da, da, da." "Ochin khorosho." "Shto?" "Nyet!" "Nyet!" "Blin!" "Ochin riskovano." "Zatknis." "Zdelay etu!" "Poka!" "Idyot!" "♪ ..doin' it wrong And it's gonna be fine... ♪"