"APPLAUSE AND CHEERING and welcome to The QI Grill." "so let's go straight through and start eating." "it's Jimmy Carr." "APPLAUSE Thank you very much." "Johnny Vegas." "APPLAUSE" "Phill Jupitus." "APPLAUSE" "Alan Davies." "APPLAUSE a small amuse bouche or "amuse booze" with the compliments of the house." "Jimmy goes... glorious food We're anxious to try it... #" "Phill goes..." "# Did you steal it?" "# There's nothing left to eat... #" "And Johnny goes... spam spam..." "# And then I trampled nine women" "# To get to the bar... #" "Thank you." "And Alan goes... rabbit rabbit... #" "What's that smell?" "Sorry." "LAUGHTER It's not you." "It's an elephant." "rabbit... #" "There's an elephant in the room." "and it's bonuses if you catch my eye." "Let's move on." "'What happens in the Rhubarb Triangle?" "'" "I don't think I'm allowed to call it the Rhubarb Triangle any more." "that was some sort of yeast infection." "Eugh!" "LAUGHTER" "You bad man!" "hmm!" "M'lady!" "The leaves are poisonous." "Good point." "That is true." ""Don't eat the leaves." "Just don't eat the leaves of rhubarb?" "Yeah." "That's where I've been going wrong." "You thought it meant ALL leaves." "Badness." "Yes." "you can die." "we're no closer?" "Do marzipan fighter planes go missing?" "Do they not pick anything up on the liquorice radar?" "good men..." "Brave. ..who fought in the pudding wars just vanished." "This is all they found!" "but it is a triangle." "It's an actual place like the Bermuda Triangle?" "It is." "in a very special way." "Does rhubarb grow incredibly quick?" "It can be made to grow in a more remarkable way than nature intended and that's what happens in the Rhubarb Triangle." "Up north?" "We are up north." "We're up north growing rhubarb quickly." "Where would we be?" "Yorkshire." "Yorkshire." "Yeah." "Bradford and Wakefield." "So it's quite a small triangle." "Leeds to Bradford is like from here to Jimmy!" "It's a small scalene triangle." "How do they grow it?" "Forced marriages amongst rhubarb." "Forced is right." "They force the rhubarb." "At gunpoint." "It's the great rhubarb forcing capital of the world." "They force it?" "What are you talking about?" "You leave it outside for two years." "To teach it a bloody lesson!" "What if it's heartbroken?" "Then you bring it into the dark." "And you make love!" "Absolute dark." "it grows at extraordinary rates because none of its energy and nutrients go to making leaves to capture sunlight cos it's dark." "They shoot up." "You can actually hear them grow." "there's this creaking sound of rhubarb growing." "And they provide 90% of all winter rhubarb. 90%?" "In that one triangle." "we didn't." "Do you remember what war we were engaged in then?" "Opium War." "It was." "We tried to flood China with opium." "but we imported rhubarb from China." "Rhubarb was useful as a laxative killing everyone through mass constipation." "so she risked the entire nation being bunged up." "Corn Flakes were invented by accident." "But what were they originally used for?" "glorious food... # they were the world's most difficult jigsaw." "It was for putting in mattresses for monks as an anti-masturbation sound trigger device." "take some points!" "You're joking!" "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Unbelievable!" "Well... but they were originally designed to discourage masturbation." "They were..." "It's absolutely true. but it was John Harvey Kellogg and his brother who had the Battle Creek Sanitarium... but they hated masturbation." "They made gloves out of 'em." "No. oh!" "Every exam I sat at school..." "You masturbated with Corn Flakes?" "I put "masturbation" as an answer." "it's paid off!" "You're right." "What happened was they had been rolling out wheat dough and they left some overnight." "It broke off into flakes and they discovered that some patients enjoyed it with cold milk." "And Kellogg was convinced that cereals taken in huge quantities would act against the libido and stop the deleterious practice of masturbation insanity and..." ""short-sightedness." LAUGHTER" "I'll run out and shag a hole in the wall." "do they?" "That's never been their marketing policy. "Coco Pops... but Kellogg also advocated enemas." "Oh!" "Visitors to his sanitarium would follow a water enema half of it taken orally and half anally." "you want to sort out which is which!" "Good smoothie." "Would it shift bacon rind?" "Would it shift bacon rind?" "!" "It was a question." "Never mind." "it was important." "Let's wait till we holiday in Paris!" "So the Kellogg brothers hoped Corn Flakes would prevent masturbation." "glorious food... # your feet become lucky." "I like it." "Any other thoughts?" "but there is very little oil and vitamins." "Fluffy's passed away." "I'm afraid." "Do you have really bad nightmares that there's a compulsory purchase order on your street" "They're coming"?" "People start singing Bright Eyes and a bulldozer turns up and kills your nan?" "That's not what I've got on the card." "Nothing about nans." "Phill is right." "Phill has given the answer." "You die." "You die?" "The Hudson's Bay Company recorded cases of trappers dying who were feasting plentifully on rabbits." "the sooner they died." "Why do you think that was?" "Were the rabbits cursed?" "No." "the reason is that you use vitamins and minerals in order to digest." "the faster you die of malnutrition." "they would have survived." "it's full of protein." My dad killed my rabbit and fed it to me." "Johnny." "the 39 other rabbits he'd bought in." "you're not." "It seems to me to explain a great deal." "Do you remember what disease rabbits got in the '60s and '70s?" "Myxomatosis." "If you ate a rabbit that was..." "Mixy. ..what would it do to you?" "Go blind?" "it would do no harm to a human." "you would die." "If you ate nothing but rabbit." "you could eat as many as you like." "It's when you have nothing but rabbit that you die. which part of France the rabbit had been killed in." ""Yes!" "Because you're the King." "You have an incredible ability." "You may be right. "We didn't find it in the field out the back(!" ")" "I have a horrible feeling you are right." "Two rabbits starting a family could have 33 million offspring in just three years." "They don't get the benefit payouts." "Do you know why that doesn't happen?" "90% of baby rabbits are eaten by predators." "Who presumably die." "you die." "Eating rabbit itself will not kill you." "You have to eat ONLY rabbit." "Is that now clear in your mind?" "Are you telling me that the kestrel gets some peas and carrots?" "lots of vitamin C in a shrew!" "It's like a little furry capsule of Sunny D. Good vitamin eating!" "so they get everything the shrew eats." "they don't." "You're picking on me and I won't have it!" "When did rabbits arrive in Britain?" "Tuesday." "Do you remember what year it was?" "000 years ago." "Tuesday morning." "spam... #" "There's an elephant in this question." "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" "Did one of them rebel against Hannibal and ride an elephant into this country people were so awestruck by the tiny rabbit riding the elephant but he realised his life was elsewhere like most middle-class people leaving college..." "My headache's come back!" "The short answer to that is no." "The long answer is..." "BLEEP ..no." "So... rabbits were introduced into this country by the Normans so not at the Battle of Hastings." "these are the rabbits." Was it quite formal?" "I suppose." "They were introduced..." "They were introduced formally." "In French." "Did the Britons find them stand-offish and judgmental?" "FRENCH ACCENT:" ""We better not eat all the rabbits or we die!" "You still haven't quite got the point." "We could eat all the rabbits we like..." "As long as we have some peas and carrots!" "Thank you." "APPLAUSE everybody has got the point." "they were kept in warrens run by..." "Elephants!" "..people called warreners and they didn't go wild in the countryside until the 19th century." "exactly." "So there were 600 years between the introduction of rabbits to Britain and they becoming a wild animal seen all over our fields. you die. but they also drop onto the ground." "What kind of dropping would you search for the tasty and nutritious mongongo nut in?" "glorious food... # but macadamia sounds like a Scottish university." "Very good." "Very clever." "I would say." "they're not." "Are they in something's business though?" "They are found in something's business." "Yes!" "APPLAUSE Well done." "The points will be shared between you." "You're absolutely right." "Elephant dung is full of nuts?" "Yes." "It takes a week to pass through their bodies." "Imagine that!" "I'll see you..." "I'll see you Friday." "Looks like their arses are about to sing!" "they go through the elephant's system where they remain intact." "They are then gathered..." "Who first gathered that nut?" "I guess they saw it drying in the dung." "but they're related to the macadamia nut." "I like cashews." "I'd love to serve a pile of elephant poo at Christmas" ""Don't spoil your dinner." "Everyone sat round the table smelling of shit!" "he puts out the finest nuts." "I hear he gathers them himself." "Indeed." "So the mongongo nut is collected from piles of elephant droppings which brings us all shuffling downstairs in our pyjamas to the ill-stocked refrigerator that is general ignorance." "What were the first animals to be herded for food?" "so it would've been guinea pigs." "Ah!" "Very good." "Goats." "Not goats." "# Did you steal it...?" "# Yes?" "spam... #" "Johnny?" "T-Rexes." "Oh!" "Pterodactyls?" "No." "Godzilla?" "eggs!" "They were easy to move round the field." "would that help?" "Helix helix." "Helix helix?" "They've got a spiral on them." "The audience knows..." "Snails!" "Thank you for telling Alan." "They herded snails?" "That must've taken ages." "All they had to do was build a wall. the earliest things archaeologists have found that we appeared to farm." "look"?" "That's not quite..." "Mother." "They must have been farmed"?" ""I have proof!"" "therefore it's a farm." One assumes..." "They found a tiny plastic fence and tiny plastic animals." "And some sheepdog bones near it." "And a die-cast man with a whistle going..." "Exactly right." "don't they?" "They're all hermaphrodites. leaving their mess like dirty snail teenagers?" "Possibly." "They do dance and kiss for up to 20 hours before sex." "why do it on the plant?" "Yeah." "Good." "It's my first harvest!" "don't you?" "Snails have an optional sexual organ." "D'you know what it's called?" "but they don't always because it's dangerous." "A second arse." "Second arse?" "!" "actually." " A love dart?" " That's a happy coincidence!" "exactly." "This is uncanny." "It releases chemicals to stimulate the mate." "They stab their mate with the love dart." "Beautiful." "It can result in injury if carried out inaccurately." "Of course." "Agh!" "Exactly. "Should've done it in daylight!" Sounds like an episode of Midsomer Murders!" "using the love dart." "it increases your options." "Why don't they like salt?" "It does something to their slimy bits." "You salt a snail and..." "Eugh!" "Why has it never been on Dragons' Den?" "There must be a chemical compound you can put on a tape." "You don't want to put salt on the ground when you're growing anything." "There must be something that's not damaging to the soil but I'm gonna need control!" "I will give you £1 for 100% of the equity." "That's a brilliant idea." "It's salt on Sellotape!" "Yes." "I'll take that pound!" "And live the dream." "dear!" "It might blow away." "We should've used double-sided!" "snails seem to have been the first animals to be herded for food so what causes stomach ulcers?" "I went for this test!" "It's not the lining of the walls." "It's overactive bacteria." "You're right." "It is a bacteria." "It's called Helicobacter pylori." "that's the Gaviscon advertisement." "And brushes come into your tummy and clean up." "it was for a long time believed but two Australian doctors did remarkable research." "then one drank a dish of this bacterium." "He downed it for a bet?" "That sounds like Aussie doctors!" "000 for the Nobel Prize." "He got the Nobel Prize for downing a drink?" "so rather important." "which is a good thing." "That is worthy of a Nobel Prize." "I refused the treatment because I prefer to think I've got sea monkeys living in my stomach." "and I got nothing for eating that glass in a rugby pub!" "of course. the only exception being...?" "spam... #" "Putting a fly's head on yours." "It makes your wife very nervous." "She's got to go out in the garden and find a little bit..." "Absolutely." "If you do it on yourself." "You can do it on yourself." "did they find the cure immediately?" "they knew it could be cured by antibiotics." "Or you send off for some female sea monkeys and they just calm down." "Werner Forssmann also experimented on himself - first person to insert a catheter into somebody's heart." "His own heart." "He inserted the tube through his arm into his heart and X-rayed it to prove what he'd done." "but he won the 1956 Nobel Prize." "that prize is." "Who sacks a man for that?" "not you again!" "You're the one with the yogurt in his arse!" "Enough already." "Bacteria are the cause of stomach ulcers as Barry Marshall proved by infecting himself with them." "Which green vegetable has ten times more iron than average?" "but you have to eat it if you're having rabbit." "Very true." "I do know that." "Very true." "Goes well with rabbit." "Any other thoughts?" "spam... # Spinach!" "hard luck." "Broccoli." "HOOTER but still not true." "but it's better known as a culinary addition." "Parsley." "Like parsley." "A herb." "Coriander." "Horseradish." "Sage." "I can't give you any more TIME!" "Is it thyme?" "Thank you." "Why does your body need it?" "Cos it'll go all floppy." "What does iron do?" "It helps the red blood cells transmit oxygen." "You're right." "It transports from the lungs around the body." "Very good." "you'd consume over 600% of your recommended daily allowance." "yes." "it's time to split the tab. would you believe... ..it's Alan Davies with minus 2!" "APPLAUSE" "Well... our sous-chef with minus 3 points is Johnny Vegas!" "APPLAUSE" "And barely scraping a GCSE in Home Economics with minus 6 points is Jimmy Carr!" "APPLAUSE" "Phill Jupitus!" "APPLAUSE" "Alan and me and from Dick Cavett" "I eat at this German Chinese restaurant." "you're hungry for power!" Good night." "Subtitles by Subtext for Red Bee Media Ltd 2007" "Email us at subtitling@bbc.co.uk"