"¶¶" "We found the first stone." "Bring it to me." "I'm so close." "Ho ho ho ho!" "(laughs evilly)" "Oh!" "Oh, no, I can't look!" "Did I break it?" "I feel like I broke it!" "Seems fine." "Whew!" "That was a close one!" "Now where was I?" "Oh, yes." "(cackles) Oops!" "¶ Silent night ¶" "¶ Holy night ¶" "¶ All is calm ¶" "¶ All is bright ¶" "¶ Round yon virgin ¶" "¶ Mother and chi-- ¶" "(record needle scratches)" "Impeccable work on the dummies, Francine." "I never realized how my hair is exactly like the bristles of a push broom." "Yeah, I just see these things." "I don't know." "I make connections." "Everyone into your cryo-sleep pods." "Are we really gonna skip Christmas?" "Well, it is the time of year that Santa tries to kill us." "Yeah, remember when he came at us with that elf army?" "Don't forget, he also murdered Grandpa, and now Grandpa is Krampus." "And if it's not Santa, it's something else." "No one even's mentioning the time I wished you all away and got a better family What?" "Huh?" "Sorry, what?" "But there's been good times, too." "We all love the Christmas Village in Chimdale." "We get the tree, ride the little train." "I hate that place." "All those creeps on Grindr just prowling the tree farm." "Sickening." "And they always do you up against some shabby Douglas Fir." "Finding pine needles for weeks, good Lord." "So we're just giving up on Christmas?" "Christmas sucks, Steve." "Let it go." "All right, if everything goes according to plan, we'll wake up on the 26th, but if that awful Santa shows up, as soon as he lays a hand on those decoy dummies, our pods will shoot safely into the sewer system." "From there, Roger?" "Sewers to Potomac to ocean, and then the currents will take us straight to Jimmy Buffett's yacht." "From there, it's nothing but margaritas and old tan-lined tits." "(beep, whir)" "Gotta put your arms down, son." "God!" "He's overpowering me!" "Stan, it's the dummy." "Wow!" "You even nailed the texture of his skin." "Is this pizza?" "No." "No, it's not." "He's not here, either." "That means he's outside!" "On Christmas Eve!" "We have to find him." "Ooh, his browser history shows he bought at ticket to the Chimdale Polar Traintown Christmas Village off Route 2." "He's at the Christmas Village." "of course." "He also searched for "Muscle lady sexy,"" ""Strong female looks at camera bench press,"" ""Naked woman kettle bell strain."" "Wow, what a pervert, right?" "Klaus, we know you use Steve's computer." "Let's leave Jeff in the pod." "We'll be right back, and he'll be safer there." "Good thinking, Haley!" "Surf's up, Jeff-er-ee!" "Hi-ya!" "(whoosh)" "¶¶" "(brakes squeal)" "There he is!" "Now I don't like to say "Xmas"... but I love to write it." "(train whistle blows)" "We gotta get back to the pods!" "Where's that train going?" "!" "It just goes around the farm in a little loop. (chuckles)" "All our kids are on it." "Ooh, bad news, though." "You missed the conductor handing out free candy canes." "You ever have one of these babies?" "The flavor, it's... how do I put it into words?" "Oh!" "You know those starlight mints you get at restaurants?" "It's like of those really got a chance to stretch its legs." "Are you explaining a candy cane to me?" "Let him speak." "(train whistle blows)" "Excuse me." "When does the other train get back?" "This is the only train." "But I just saw a train pull out full of kids!" "Sir, are you proposing there's another train?" "A "magic train" that -- that comes around when I'm not here?" "I know you're being sarcastic, but maybe that is what's happening here." "It has to be." "Ask one of these other parents." "Their kids were on the train, too." "What?" "I don't have kids." "I've never had a child." "ALL: ¶ No ¶" "¶ Kids ¶ ¶ No kids ¶" "(tune of "No Scrubs") ¶ No, I don't want no kids ¶" "¶ A kid is a thing I don't have or want to have ¶" "This is so strange." "How can they have forgotten their own children?" "Do you think there might be something in the candy canes?" "(gasps) Oh, my God!" "That's it!" "Who licked my candy cane?" "Why am I a fish?" "I'm back from whatever I was doing." "What'd I miss?" "Where the hell is Steve?" "!" "(rustling)" "Iknowwhat'shappened to your son." "He's in danger." "Are you seriously trying to talk to me right now?" "Do you not understand how Grindr works?" "We did what we came to do, but now I'm with my family." "This is my real life." "You're way out of bounds." "Um, I think " " I think you're confusing me with someone else." "I was just saying that your boy is in danger." "He's been taken to the North Pole." "¶¶" "(whistle blows)" "Damn,Route2Traintown, this is Rainforest Cafe-caliber enchantment." "So you're telling me that Steve has been abducted and taken to the North Pole?" "Mm-hmm." "Okay, who did this?" "The North Pole -- that's a clue." "Maybe those white bears or those tuxedo birds." "The ones like..." "It was Santa Claus." "I knew it!" "For years, Santa has been stealing children from around the world, using them to work on some mysterious project in the North Pole." "How do you know all this?" "Because I was one of his elves until he banished me." "He clipped my ears and stretched my body." "(gags) My name's Puddin'!" "Why were you banished?" "Well, I didn't do anything wrong." "It's just like the culture up there was really diseased, and it was all just, like, clique-y politics and people were really threatened by clear communication." "You were the problem." "He was the problem." "Let's not sit around and listen to some fired elf." "We have to get to the North Pole and rescue Steve!" "You can't just get to the North Pole, not without Christmas magic." "But you're in luck, because I've got it." "Does anyone else have it, or can you transfer it to us somehow without...touching us?" "So...we're pretending this is where Santa mines his coal for the bad kids?" "Oh, I like it." "Light cardio followed by cocoa?" "Oh, no!" "This boy fainted!" "He needs juice and maybe a sugar cookie." "And what the hell?" "I'll take one, too." "Oh, my God!" "Steve Smith, what the hell are you doing here?" "Aah!" "Santa!" "W-why are you in Chimdale?" "This is the North Pole, ya stupid!" "Ha!" "It'll take more than two elves to... (groaning)" "(sighs) Actually, two seems like overkill." "(chugging)" "Getting this train to the North Pole's gonna take a little trick." "Just do it, Puddin'." "(clank)" "(chugging)" "We'll be dashed to pieces!" "Not with my Christmas magic, we won't!" "The rocks are gonna open!" "The season's rising up in me!" "I believe!" "I believe in the magic of Christmas." "¶ Fa-la-la!" "¶" "(crash, debris falls)" "Yeah, he didn't have the Christmas magic." "For elves, it's in the pointy part of the ears." "Read your bible, people." "We still need Christmas magic." "I think we all know where we have to go." "(Gunshots, woman screams, sirens wailing in distance)" "How much longer do we have to wait?" "It's scary here." "Bus 435." "It'll be here any second." "(Imitates brakes squeal and hiss)" "(singsongy) Bus is here." "Any of you guys looking to smash?" "I call shotgun." "(creepy voice) The girl." "(crash, door hisses)" "Well, if it isn't my no-good son and his deadbeat friends." "Hey, Dad." "When I told you I was driving a bus in Baltimore, it was so you'd be impressed, not so you'd visit me unannounced." "We need to get to the North Pole right away, and we need your Christmas magic to get there." "I'm done with that Krampus stuff." "Punishing kids at Christmas?" "Too much stress." "I had to get away, grab myself a slice of paradise." "In Baltimore?" "Well, technically, I'm living in Woodlawn, but, yes, for an out-of-towner, "Baltimore."" "But you don't understand, Krampus." "Santa has kidnapped Steve!" "Steve Harvey?" "!" "Santa's gone too far this time!" "No!" "Steve Smith, your grandson!" "Fine." "(click)" "Hey!" "I was going to the wharf to yell at the bucket drummers!" "Tough!" "We're going to the North Pole." "Then I get to sleep on the bus!" "This is not a hotel!" "(all scream) Oh, shut up." "Yay!" "(eerie warping sound) STAN:" "Where are we?" "We're nowhere." "We're on a channel between time and space, before and after all things." "Hey, you know, I was thinking, we could call you "Grampus."" "That is my name." "No, like with a "G," like -- like Grandpa and Krampus " "Behind the line!" "Everyone needs to stay behind the line!" "(wind howling)" "(speaking native language)" "(horn honks)" "(all gasp)" "Now to get into Santa's village, we'll need disguises." "Well, well, well, I think I see the perfect cover right before my eyes." "Fish for sale!" "Got a fish for sale!" "Mmm, fish!" "Finally!" "Head on in!" "(doors creak)" "("Carol of the Bells" playing)" "So you're really not here to foil my plans?" "No, I swear!" "I was just trying to have a nice Christmas." "Then what am I hassling you for?" "Cut his throat, but make it Christmassy." "He wants a nice Christmas." "Ahh!" "Ahh!" "ROGER:" "Fish!" "(smack)" "Give us our son, you jelly-bellied bastard!" "I'm saved!" "Ho ho ho!" "Smiths!" "You're never gonna make it out of the North Pole alive." "Oh, sir, we found the other stone." "Ooh!" "Let me see it!" "Beautiful." "They're both mine." "Smiths, you're free to go." "STAN:" "Really?" "At last, I'm ready to enter the final stage of my grand design." "Okay, then." "My grand design, it will change everything." "Uh-huh." "We go out the way we came?" "Yeah, it's two rights and then a left." "But you're really not in the least bit curious about what I'm doing?" "My grand design?" "Not -- not particularly." "Okay." "But I have to say, if you guys had a grand design," "I'd at least listen to it." "Of course, I've always been curious." "Even as a child, I took apart my alarm clock to see how it worked, but that's me, and you guys are you." "And, uh, I guess I gotta respect that." "Well, then it's settled -- Seize them!" "(clanks)" "¶¶" "Now in order to answer all of your questions about my grand design, we're going to take a journey back in time." "They'll be a little movie, a brief QA session, and then I'm going to kill you." "Good luck!" "I can only be stopped with a..." "Copper pot!" "What are you, cooking for cowboys?" "Why the hell do you have this?" "!" "(under breath) Cue lights." "(normal voice) A long time ago in the fertile riverlands of Mesopotamia, there were an ancient people called the Sumerians, and it is from them that we inherit the world's oldest and most well-known story." "Do I even need to say it?" "The Epic of Gilgamesh." "Ah!" "(under breath) Of course, of course." "As the legend goes, the hero Gilgamesh, accompanied by his trusted friend Enkidu, traveled to the distant cedar forest... (thumping) ...and there confronted the ageless, terrifying giant Humbaba." "(roars)" "And when Gilgamesh defeated Humbaba, cutting off his enormous head, he was gifted with the Seven Radiances granting Gilgamesh immeasurable power." "In some translations, the "Radiances"" "are referred to as the seven "Auras."" "That's the Binderman translation!" "He's a hack!" "What scholars have gotten wrong, including Binderman -- especiallyBinderman--  is they believe Humbaba to be a metaphorical giant, a myth." "But the myth is real!" "(fanfare plays)" "Of course, I'm not the first to seek the power of Humbaba." "There have been others " "Caesar, Bonaparte," "Goebbels, Temple Grandin." "But they all dug in the wrong place, and why?" "Because they got Pangaea wrong!" "Mycalculationsput the cedar forest right under the North Pole!" "Why else would I base my operations here?" "The weather?" "!" "(chuckles) The weather." "And now with nothing left to stop me," "I will use Humbaba's eyes to end Christmas forever!" "STEVE:" "No!" "Yes!" "And usher in a new age of unimaginable terrors that must be seen to believed!" "There are supposed to be visuals here -- a bunch of CGI footage of me flying around and zapping buildings with my fingers." "It worked in rehearsals!" "Tony, why didn't " "Tony, could we kill the music?" "!" "(Dramatic music swells, cuts out)" "Tony, why did the other stuff work and this didn't?" "TONY:" "They were on different hard drives." "I wanna know why we did that, but I also feel like" "I'm gonna be really frustrated by the answer." "¶¶" "Oh, my God, you found him." "(axes tapping)" "When I place the eyes in Humbaba's stone face," "I'll receive the full power of his Seven Radiances." "Or auras." "Silence!" "They're heavier than they look." "I dropped one earlier." "Now to become...a god!" "¶ Ah, ah, ah ¶" "¶ Ah, oh, oh ¶" "Santa, no!" "You can't take Christmas away forever." "What about peace on Earth and goodwill towards men?" "That's kids stuff." "(whoosh)" "¶¶" "One radiance, two radiances, three, four, five, six, seven!" "They're all here!" "Now fly into my body, please!" "It's a very subtle feeling." "They flew past you." "(voices chanting ominously)" "(cracking)" "(clank) Aah!" "Whoa, things are going down." "(clank)" "(loud crash)" "We have to climb the side!" "I'm supposed to be all-powerful!" "Why is all my stuff going in the mouth?" "!" "What's happening in there anyways?" "!" "Go look." "Uh, all I see is fire." "Goat legs ain't so great for climbing', are they, dingus?" "(clank)" "Whoa!" "(laughs) I knew you'd save me!" "We're the two halves of Christmas, locked in this dance forever!" "Aah!" "I don't dance with men." "(cracking)" "(roaring)" "I thought it was just the head!" "Not in Binderman's translation!" "He theorized that the throat was cut but the body was intact!" "I've never even seen you read a magazine." "(roaring)" "To the train, everybody!" "It's the only way out of the North Pole!" "It won't start!" "It's powered by the love of Christmas." "Won't move an inch without it." "First, the train needs Christmas magic, then it needs Christmas love." "This is some Christmas bullshit right here." "(engine hisses)" "Christmas Hate powers it in reverse." "(scoffs) Christmas." "So stupid." "We have to go the other way!" "Yeah, Steve." "Think about your Christmas love!" "What's to love?" "The whole holiday was just a front for a slave mining operation because some lunatic wanted to take over the world." "(roaring)" "Steve, stop!" "We're heading right for Humbaba-ba-ba-ba!" "Santa was right." "Christmas is kids stuff, 'cause they're the only ones dumb enough to believe in it." "FRANCINE:" "We're gonna die!" "I...hate..." "Christmas!" "(growls)" "(crash)" "(roars)" "Turn to stone much, ya giant scrote?" "Steve, it's over." "You can have a boner for Christmas again." "No more boners." "I'm a man now." "It's time to let Christmas go." "Honey, I know you want a normal Christmas, but..." "But we can't have that." "We'll never have a traditional Christmas." "Of course we can, son." "But it'll just have to be ourtradition of having a terrible Christmas." "And we were wrong to try to skip it, because Christmas isn't something we skip." "It's something we...endure." "As a family." "(hiss)" "We're moving!" "Steve, does this mean..." "Yep!" "(singsongy) My boner for Christmas is back!" "Well, I'm gonna stick around, move into Santa's castle." "You may never be able to understand this, but I've grown a little tired of driving a bus in Baltimore." "Wait, you can fly?" "Like a [bleep] angel!" "(yells indistinctly)" "¶ Silent night ¶" "¶ Holy night ¶" "¶ All is calm ¶" "¶ All -- ¶" "Have a great night!" "" " Captions by VITAC "