"Harold and Kumar" "Harold and Kume" "Billy Boy!" "NGet your ass ready." "and this bad boyNneeds to get his drink on." "no." "Give me that.N" " Don't." " I'm gonna burn it once and for all.N" " Stop that." "okay? I wouldn't even know what to do." "I've been out of the gameNfor so long." "NI promise you will get laid. but Berenson needs me to updateNthese financial models for the meetingNwith the foreign investors." "So what?" "nit's Friday night." "The Germans are takingNan early flight back." "The meeting got changedNto tomorrow." "So?" "Why don't youNjust get somebody else to do your work for you?" "Who?" "I need you to updateNthose models for me." "aren't you supposed to..." "N" " I know." "Something just came up. and I'm never gonna have timeNto get to those." "big boy." "Make sure those are inNby 9:00 sharp tomorrow. now would we?" "Yeah." "no problem." "Hey." "buddy?" "I owe you one.NJust one." "Thank you." "Wow!" "That was amazing.NI cannot believe how easy that was." "how do you thinkNI get all my shit done?" "those Asian guysNlove crunching numbers." "You probablyNjust made his weekend." "Chick magnet" "Chick magnet." "Chick magnet" "Chick magnet." "Yeah" "Fuck." "Mr. Patel." "You are one of the finest applicantsNI have ever interviewed." "Thank you." "It comes as no surprise." "Your fatherNis highly respected in his field. he and I had some pretty wild timesNback in med school." "Really?" "Yeah." "We startedNour own basketball team... the Hemoglobin Trotters." "Hemo-globin Trotters..." "Nget it?" "Negro basketball squad..." "African-American." "people of colors." "Njust as a formality." "What are some potentialNsymptoms of pancreatitis? diffuse abdominal tenderness..." "I'm sorry.NCan you hold on one second?" "I got a quarter of theNfinest herb in New York City." "Kumar's phone.NKumar speaking." "what's up?" "It's me.NWhat are you doing?" "Nothing important." "I can talk.NWhat's going on?" "okay?" "NI gotta stay late at the office." "fuck that shit.NWe had plans." "but I gotNa lot of work to do." "When has getting high everNprevented you from doing your work?" "Jesus!" "Believe me.NI would love to come home." "Okay?" " I got a lot of work to do.N" " Thank you." "I'll do that." "okay?" "So you need to just chill the fuck outNand prepare to get blazed got it?" "I got it." "I'll talk to you later.NWhere was I?" "Nsometimes violent... a.k.a. Diarrhea." "I am more than familiarNwith diarrhea." "Do you actually believeNafter the way you've just behaved that I would ever even considerNrecommending you for admission?" "No." "I'm gonnaNbe honest with you." "The only reason I'm applying is so my dadNwill keep paying for my apartment." "I really don't have a desireNto go to med school." "But you have perfect MCAT scores." "Yeah." "Just 'cause you'reNhung like a moose doesn't mean you gotta do porn." "Nshow this young man to the door!" "And please bring inNsome fresh diarrhe... dry towels!" "Yes!" "Right in front of the door." "dude!" "NLearn how to drive!" "Better "ruck" tomorrow!" " Extreme!" "N" " Fucking assholes." "Fuck." "Okay." "Be yourself.NDon't be nervous." "what's been goin' on?" "I actually had a very long weekNat work." "How about you?" "Work was good.NI caught up on some sleep." "the guy who works next to meNdecided to bathe for a change." "Really?" "So what are you up to tonight? probably eat a whole pintNof Haagen-Dazs while I watch Blind Date." "that sounds awful. maybe you can come overNand sit on your ass at my place." "That sounds nice." "Bye." "Bye." "Bye." "Kumar." "Yo." "Kumar." "dude." "Hey!" "What the hell are you doing?" "I'm trimming my pubes." "man?" "check it out." "It's like a bonsai tree." "Hey!" "it makesNyour johnson look totally bigger." "Please!" "I trim my nose hair with those!" "I've been cutting my ass hairNwith them for the past six months." "Get out!" "NGet out of my room." "Kumar." "It's Daddy." "I hope your interviewNtoday was good." "I'm calling to remind youNthat you have another one tomorrow with Dr. Wein from CornellNat 10 a.m. Do not be late." "bi-yatch.N" " Let's do it." "Fuck!" "In tonight's top story.NA cheetah escaped earlier today from the Morristown Zoo." "man." "And the award for the leastNheterosexual statement ever made in this apartmentNgoes to..." "Harold Lee." "man.NTake a bow." "man.NIt's a classic." "It's a very beautiful storyNabout someone you know?" "though." "Homo." "Come on." "Dude.NJust take one hit." "Don't you wanna be cool?" "Hey." "Man.NWhat are you doin'?" "I'm so high!" "Nothing can hurt me." "No!" " Marijuana kills.N" " I love that shit." "We're so high right now." "We're not low." "Nbut I'm fuckin' hungry as balls." "dude.NLet's eat." "I don't feelNlike delivery tonight." " What about KFC?" "N" " We've been there too many times." "I want somethingNwe haven't had in a while." "Nsomething that'll really hit the spot." "I want the perfect food." "Are you hungry?" "Then come to White CastleNand try our Slyder Special..." "Six burgers." "Fries.NAnd a soft drink for only $2.99." "Imagine all those burgersNin your stomach right now." "Don't you like foodNthat's tasty and delicious?" "I do." "Then what are you waiting for?" "Head over to White Castle.NIt's what you crave." "You sure you knowNhow to get there?" "I haven't beenNto White Castle in ages." "there's one right byNthat multiplex in New Brunswick." "Nice." " Rosenberg!" "N" " Goldstein!" "get up.NWe're going to White Castle." "we're watchingNThe Gift on HBO." "no.NNo watching." "We're starving." "put that back." "No eating until we getNto White Castle." "Let's roll." "Nwe ain't going nowhere." "Supposedly Katie HolmesNshows her titties in this movie." "Is that all you JewsNever think about... tits?" "wholesome girl." "And I'm gonna see her boobs." "The things I would eatNout of her ass... you have no idea!" "That isNa completely vulgar statement." "So is "I want to bang Britney SpearsNon the bathroom floor." "But it's true." "Touche." "if..." "I think Kumar's a faygele." "They're totally gay for each other." "you wanna suck on this?" "N" " Uh-huh." "What the hell are youNbringing your bag for?" "Try to get some work doneNin the car." "I forgot my cell phone." "You wanna run back and get it?" "we've gone too far." "there's your girlfriend. or are you gonna beNa Vagina McGinastein about it?" "What the hell are you doing?" "You could've asked her if she wantedNto come to White Castle with us." "how are..." "You're worthless." "I'm not worthwhile." "Just fucking talk to her once.NIt won't be weird anymore." "it doesn't matter." "The only girls who are interested in meNare girls I have no interest in." "Like Cindy Kim." "Nshe called earlier." "One of those Asian clubs she's inNis throwing a party at her dorm tonight." "she invites me to everything." "So what?" "She's kind of fuckin' cute.NLet her touch your penis." "look." "It's the Brothers McFag." "Let me guess... the oneNwith the purse is the catcher." "let's get ourselvesNsome fucking Mountain Dew." "Extreme!" "extreme assholes." "Why do INhave to be the catcher?" "forget about those pricks.NLet's just get some food." "man." "fuckin' I will see your 20 burgersNand raise you 5 orders of fries." "give me 35 cents." "What's going on?" "nit didn't register." " What?" "N" " Give me 35 more cents." " I don't have any more change.N" " Should I just go through?" "I don't likeNbreaking the law." "I can see that." "move your ass!" " I'm sorry." "Hold on.N" " I'm going through." "don't.NNo. No." "Hold on." "Let me walk to a manned tollboothNand I'll tell them what happened." "you fuckin' twat!" " What's the fuckin' holdup here?" "N" " Shit." "you retarded cocksucker!" "NMove!" " Are you crazy?" "N" " What?" "What are you doing?" "NWhy you throwing the weed out?" "!" "they're not." "Not for that." " Take this exit.N" " What?" " Take this exit!" "N" " No!" "Dude!" "Nthat was the last of our weed." "Sorry." "I get a littleNparanoid sometimes." "Nof all places." "You know we'reNgonna get shot." "Maybe it's not as bad as they say.NMaybe it's just a bunch of hype." "Check it out." "Those guysNlook like a lame version of us." " Holy shit!" "N" " Holy shit!" "Let's get the fuck outta here." "that was your fault." " Fuck you.N" " Fuck you." "check it out.NWe're almost there." "Thank God." "I'm starving." "New Brunswick!" "N" " Prepare to gorge yourself." "You know..." "NWe need some tunage for this." "Presets." "Use the presets." "Nyour whole life is preset." "Try something new." "Where is this place?" "Isn't itNsupposed to be right around here?" " Chill." "We'll find it.N" " Wait a second... is that the multiplex?" " Yes.N" " Sweet!" "That means the White CastleNshould be right around the corner." "Kumar?" "That does not lookNlike a White Castle to me." "we gotta check this out." "fellas." "You guys gonnaNhave to order from the drive-thru menu." "What happened to the White Castle?" "What?" "There used to be a White CastleNright here in this location." "Where is it? they boughtNthis location about four years ago." "God!" "Please tell me there'sNanother White Castle in town." " No.N" " Are you sure?" "Do I look like the kind of brother that would be unsureNabout something like that?" "Shit!" "NWhat are we gonna do?" "man.NShould we just eat here?" "Hey." "Psst." "There's a White Castle that'sNopen 24 hours up in Cherry Hill." "It's aboutN45 minutes from here." "I can make the tripNif you're willing to." "I got a shitloadNof work to finish." "You got thatNmed school interview." "Forget about the med schoolNinterview." "It's a non-issue." "What do you meanNit's a non-issue?" "Ding-dong!" "NMay I interject for a second? the burgers hereNjust don't cut it." "just thinking about thoseNtender little White Castle burgers itty-bitty grilled onions that just explodeNin your mouth like flavor crystals every time you bite into one just makes me wantNto burn this motherfucker down." "Nlet's burn this motherfucker down!" "Pookie!" "Let's burn thisNmotherfucker down!" "Let's burn it down!" "niet's burn it!" "So you guys maybe should justNsuck it up and go to White Castle." "You can always getNyour work done in the car." " Let's do it.N" " All right." "Awesome." "Nwe are not ending this night without White CastleNin our stomachs." " Agreed?" "N" " Agreed." "Wise choice." "You guys might haveNwanted to stay away from our special sauce tonight." "Nwe added a secret ingredient." "I'll give you a hint." "It's semen." "Semen." "Animal semen." "remember when GoldsteinNused to work at that burger place?" "This is the most fucking confusingNmovie I've ever seen..." "Nshe's not possessed." "that rack better be stacked." "boobies." "Holy shit!" "Whoa!" "they are." "I'm almostNcompletely sober right now." "I wish we had some more weed." "Sorry." "Princeton." " We're getting off here.N" " Why?" "Because we're gonna sweet-talkNCindy Kim into finding us some weed." " No.N" " Why not?" "You talk to her on the phoneNall the time." "She calls me.NThen she rambles on about her East AsianNStudents Club or whatever." "Then I have to actually pretendNthat I give a shit or else she calls me a Twinkie." "A what?" "Nwhite on the inside. okay? and it's your responsibilityNto make sure we're high as shit by the timeNwe're eating those burgers." "Forget it.NEnd of discussion." "I am not seeing Cindy Kim." "I'm so gladNyou showed up." "me too." "Did you like the hibiscus petalsNI glued to the envelope I sent you?" "they were nice." "you knowNwhere I can get some green?" "you know whereNI can get some chronic?" "what the hell kind ofNlvy League school is this?" "Man." "man." "You lookin' to toke up?" " Yes.N" " Yes?" "Thank Christ." "Just give meNa dime of your finest sticky." "my friend?" "my God!" "man!" "man.NThat's not cool." "You can't..." "Jeez!" "This is my baby!" "Yes?" "Nclass of 2004." " Hi.N" " Hi." "Is it true you're an analystNfor Brewster Keegan?" "I'm a junior analyst." "Awesome!" "he's good." " Yes.N" " This is actually a two-part question." "I'm applying for a summerNinternship at Brewster Keegan. and b) would you write meNa recommendation?" "Here." "That's sixt... 80 bucks." "80 bucks." "bro." "bro." "and that's 80 bucks." "You don't feel likeNgetting high tonight? because there's lots of peopleNaround here." "See this guy?" "loser." "George?" "NI smoke buds with George all the time." "What kind of hippie are you?" "I'm a business hippie." "I understand the conceptNof supply and demand." "What's it likeNbeing an investment banker?" "Nit's actually pretty aw awesome." "Excellent!" "NI guess I can make a couple calls." "we shouldNbe getting to the party." "We can discuss all this stuffNon the way there." " It's just down the hall.N" " Okay." "I'm sorry." "I can't go.NI have to wait for Kumar." "You'll see him when we're done." "Nyou're gonna love this." "Kenny's mom dropped offNa big pot of kimchi jigae." "It's really good.NIt's delicious." "Yeah?" "That's nice." "okay?" "N" " Okay." " Hello.N" " Are you guys about to smoke?" "we're gonna smoke." "Do youNwanna come back to my place?" "like they want to go listenNto a bunch of Phish records while you readNyour lame-ass poetry. maybe smoke a little weedNand have some fun?" " All right.N" " All right." "My poetry's not lame.NIt's really good." "I'm sure.N" " It's great." "We're gonna eat before this gets cold." "What you say we meet backNin our room in about 20 minutes?" "We're in room 109." "huh?" "Yes!" "109." "We'll seeNyou ladies later." "Yes!" "bro." "man." "20... 20... 208?" "208." "Yes!" "208!" "Nyou gotta come quick." "There's these two filthy pussiesNjust aching to get boned by us." "there are these twoNvery lovely young pussies who would like to haveNa chat with you and I." "Sorry." "Harold's coming with us." "Roldy?" "no." "Fuck that." "Here." "This is Harold's understudy.NYou can do whatever you want." "let's go." "Sorry." "I can't believe you were gonnaNditch me for the Joy Luck Club." "You know what their parties are like." "What do you want me to say?" "NI was under pressure." "Just say no.NThat's all it takes." "Here." "take a hit of that." "What's going on up there?" "NBarracuda to Sparrow." "We got two high-fliersNon level three." "I just wanna talk!" "in here." "Women!" "What if someoneNfinds us in here?" "Chill the fuck out." "He's not gonnaNlook for us in the girls' bathroom." "Shit!" "Come here." "It worked on me." "There's no reasonNit shouldn't work on you." "But your breasts look beautiful." "I just want thoseNcute little ping-pong breasts." "that kind of go..." "Hurry up because I wantNto go smoke weed with that dishy Indian guy." "It's gonna be a few minutes." "I'm about to haveNthe worst case of taco shits." "God." "too." "do you wantNto play battle shits?" "my God!" "N" " Battle shits?" "We haven't played thatNsince back at camp." "I know.NWait for it." "Hit." "Scag!" "You sank my destroyer!" "Fuck!" "I can't take it anymore!" "are you still there?" "Damn!" "You sank my battle shit!" "Shit." "Dude!" "She said in 20-10?" "Have you seenNa Korean guy around here?" "though." "'Tard." "20-11." "this party's bumpin'!" " Who wants some Buda?" "N" " Yeah!" "Nclass of 2004." "I'm thinking you really screwed upNby not coming to this party." "I screwed up?" "you!" "Shit!" "Let's get 'em!" "Halt!" " Hey.N" " Hey." "no." "dude!" "N" " Come here!" "well." "no!" "That's my baby!" "rookie." "Should we go backNfor the weed?" "Are you crazy?" "NRun!" "Run!" "man.NWe were this close to getting laid." "Nyou always exaggerate." "The diarrhea twins definitelyNwould have had sex with us." "man." "Cindy's fine.NIt's just..." " Just what?" "N" " We... you'd rather have Maria." "it doesn't matter." "I'm gonna end up with Cindy KimNwhether I like it or not." "man?" "Fine.NMaria." "What are you doing?" "Daddy needs to urinate." "Hurry up!" "I'm serious.NDon't take all night." "All right." "I have to..." "N" " Huh?" "I have to ask you.NWhy are you peeing right here?" "What?" "why'd you peeNright next to me when you could chooseNthat bush or..." "This is a good bush to pee on." "Why are you peeing on it?" "no one was hereNwhen I chose this bush." "Oh." "So you get to pee on itNand no one else does?" "Huh?" "I just..." "N" " This your bush?" "You have a special bondNwith this bush?" "I just thought that..." "N" " You the king of the forest?" " I'm sorry?" "N" " What?" "Are you a fuckin' tree-hugger?" "NIs this your special bush?" "!" "Never mind." "Forget it." "I reallyNdon't feel like getting stabbed tonight." "Nice pubes." "Thanks." "Do you even knowNwhere you're going? don't worry." "We'd better." "Shit." "Now it's raining." "Put on your wipers." "What are you talking about?" "nit's just a little mist." "Nhence the mist setting." "okay?" "NThere we go." "Mr. Wizard.NWhat crawled up your ass?" "man." "I don't knowNhow much more I can take." "shit!" "How the fuckNdid that get in here?" "shit!" "He bit me!" "NI've got rabies!" "my God!" "get that fuckin'Ncancer raccoon away from me!" "Open my window!" "raccoon!" "What the Christ?" " Shit!" "N" " Shit!" "Jesus!" "You all right?" "I don't know." "Shit." "Nhe's coming over here." "Probably some old blind bitch!" " What the fuck are you doing?" "N" " We're sorry." "We're very sorry!" " Holy shit!" "N" " Goldstein?" "it's Rold and Kumar." "man?" "dude?" "What's up?" "N" " All right." "What the hellNare you guys doing here?" "so weNdecided we'd go to Hot Dog Heaven." "How about you?" "NHow was White Castle?" "We haven't gotten there yet.NI think I may have rabies." "how wereNKatie Holmes' tits?" " You know the Holocaust?" "N" " Yeah." "Picture the exactNopposite of that." "Nice." "do you need a girl. there's a rockin' Asian partyNdown at Princeton." "I got the yellow plague." "There's nothing sexierNthan a hot Asian chick!" "Asian tits..." "NI wanna squeeze 'em!" "do not touch me." "I'm very woozy." "I think I have to goNto the hospital." "You should goNto Beth Israel." "we don't." "We got to go to Hot Dog Heaven.NNo more detours along the way." " This is what I'm dealing with.N" " Come on!" "Nhit up the Asian party." "Did you leave the key in the carNwith the engine running?" "Good luck." "You don't have rabies." "We're notNgoing to a hospital." "You're fine." "I don't have rabies." "Great." "Let's justNget out of here." "aren't those the guysNthat got the shit kicked..." "I know." "I know.NLet's just go." "Just go." "Kumar." "it's your dad and brother.N" " Shit." "No wonder you didn't wantNto go to the hospital." "Dr. Patel." " What's up?" "N" " Saikat." "What's going on?" "I hope you are here to apologize forNwhat you did in your interview today." "Kumar?" "God!" "You're 22 years old.NWhen are you gonna grow up and stop thisNpost-college rebel bullshit?" "Saikat." "I will not tolerate thisNbusiness from you any longer." "I'll completely cut you off." "come on.N" " Daddy is not coming on anything." "Nand you will behave." "I have put too much timeNand energy into you to let you goNand fuck it all up!" "guys." "I'm sorry." "okay?" "Good." "I will speak with you tomorrow." "Harold.N" " Bye." "See ya." "man." "eh?" "dude.NLike I care what my dad thinks." "I can't wait to seeNthe look on his face when he finds out I didn't goNto my interview tomorrow." "fine.NI don't need his money." "I don't understand.NYou just hugged him." "I just needed to getNmy hands on this." "Access card." "bro..." "Nmedical marijuana." "No." "this is stolen." "Nyou are taking the blame." "This is not my idea." "okay?" "NWe're gonna go get baked just calm down." " We gotta find the pharmacy.N" " Dr. Patel!" "Thank God I found you.NWe have an emergency. and ready for the O.R. Stat!" " What the hell is going on?" "N" " He probably thinks I'm my brother." "Just don't worry about it.NLeave the talking to me." "It's a godforsaken bloodbath." "The patient was brought inNby EMS five minutes ago." "we haveNthree horrific gunshot wounds." "It's a good thingNI found you two." "All the other surgeonsNare working on other patients." "there's been a mistake." "What Dr. Lee is trying to sayNis that we need to sedate the patient..." "I'll get the anesthesiologist." "nurse." "What weNshould probably use is marijuana." "That'll sufficientlyNsedate the patient for surgery." "Marijuana?" "But why?" "We don't have time for questions." "Nas much of it as possible!" "Like a big bag of it." "we don't haveNmarijuana in this hospital." "Shit." "shit!" "NThis guy's gonna die!" "you've got to do somethingNor we're gonna lose him!" "I'm gonna do thisNthe old-fashioned way." "Start the nitrous.NGive me two large-bore I.V. S and start a Ringers lactate push." "hold this." "please." "he's desatting!" "He's desatting!" "The patient has a collapsed lung.NI need a 14-gauge angiocath stat." " That was genius.N" " Thank you." " Great job!" "N" " You guys did it." "it's you." " Sexy.N" " What'd you say?" "Nothing." "Sweet-pea." "The patient appearsNto be stabilized." "please." " Put the chest tube in.N" " Meow." "You're moist." " I'm not sweating anymore.N" " You're glistening." "Soft and chocolate lips... hush now." "sir.NDo you happen to know how to get to the White CastleNin Cherry Hill from here? and there you are." "Nthat was amazing!" "man." "it wasn't that bad." "it stopped raining." "man." "yeah?" "Nice!" "Nthings are finally starting to go our way." "check it out..." "NSixteen Candles." "Isn't that your favorite movie?" "that's awesome!" "look who decidedNto go see it." "Holy shit. but you both have the sameNlame taste in movies!" "Shut up." "we should ask her if sheNwants to come to White Castle." "no.NForget about it." "Just drive." "come on.NIt's 1:00 in the morning. and who do we see but your dream girlNstanding across the street?" "Just pretend you're a nerdyNAsian version of Tom Hanks and she's a hot Latina Meg RyanNwith bigger tits." "The cars are going.NCan we go?" "How about that?" "Maria!" " What are you doing?" "N" " Maria!" "Excuse me for a second!" "Come here!" "No!" "What the hellNare you doing?" "Get your hand off the gas!" "NShit!" " I'm stuck!" "N" " Stop turning the wheel!" " I am stuck!" "N" " What do you mean you're stuck?" "Get unstuck!" " You asshole!" "N" " Wha... wha...?" "man!" "genius." "all right?" "okay?" "Fine with me." "It's not funny." " Where's my spare tire?" "N" " I don't know." "Where the hellNis my spare tire?" "yeah!" "remember that timeNwe got really stoned and started throwing shit offNthat bridge to see if it would float?" "What bridge?" "I don't remem..." "NWhat are you talking about?" "that's right.NThat was with Goldstein." "We borrowed your carNthat night." "My bad." "Your bad?" "What the hellNare we gonna do now?" " Hey!" "N" " Hey!" "Excuse me!" " Hello!" "Over here!" "N" " Excuse me!" "You boys need some help?" "Thanks for helping us out." "No problem at all. and I said to myself..." "What would Jesus do?" "Goin' down to Georgia" "Ngonna get myself baptized" "In the bosom of the Lord" "Have you boys accepted JesusNas your Lord and Savior?" "he's great." "Cool guy." "Praise the LordNand pass the ammunition!" "Nbut everybody calls me Freakshow." "My name's Kumar." "Kunie?" "Jerald." "How are you?" "So where exactlyNare we going?" "Don't you worry about that none.NWe ain't too far from my place." "I'll haveNyour ride fixed up in a jiffy." "Check out those boilsNon his neck." "You gotta look.NOne of them's actually pulsating." "Shut up." "He's right next to me.NHe can hear you." "Now there's some sort of puss." " It's disgusting!" "N" " Shut up." "Just one little boil.NJust look at it." "isn't that the most disgustingNthing you've ever seen? he can't hearNwhat you're saying?" "He's two feet away from us.NHe can hear this entire conversation." "He can hear meNtalking right now." "Don't worry about it.NHe can't hear anything... not with all that crust in his ear." "I heard everything you said. watch TV..." "Nanything you want." "Mi casa es su casa." "Just don't do anythingNthe Good Lord wouldn't do." "Thank you." "We're gonna die.NHe's going to kill us." "We're gonna die." "or did he just sayNwe get to fuck his wife?" "He couldn't have said that." "Who cares?" "NYou've seen Freakshow." "What do you think his wifeNis gonna look like?" "boys." "I'm Freakshow's wife Liane." "Can I get you some pink lemonade?" "Why don't you just goNhave a seat in the living room?" "I'll be back in a jiffy." "Thanks." " Hot." "Hot!" "N" " Uh-huh." "Jesus Christ." "it's official.NWe've entered the Twilight Zone." "Liane is fucking hot.N" " She's not ugly." "boys." " Thank you.N" " Thanks a lot." "how are things between youNand Freakshow presently?" "Oh!" "They've never been better.NWe love each other so much." "Nhow does a guy like Freakshow end up with a girl like you?" "we met at choir practiceNabout four years ago. 'cause of all his hideous boilsNon his face and neck." "sure. like a baby canary." "The devil is everywhere huh" "The devil is everywhere what" "NI told him how much I loved his solo and he finally mustered upNthe courage to ask me out." "We've been in love ever since." "are you boys gonnaNfuck me now or what?" "scissorsNto see who goes first." "Ready?" "paper..." "N" " Wait a second." "What about Freakshow?" "What?" "You assume we don'tNknow how to have a good time?" "I just... scissors." "Nyou have to do me at the same time." "give me the double stuff." "Liane." "I want you bothNinside me simultaneously." " One hole or two?" "N" " Whatever you want." "thank you." "Nit might not be that bad." " Shotgun anus.N" " Forget it!" "I don't want our ballsNrubbing against each other." "are you kidding?" "N" " No way!" "Forget it." "How about blow jobs?" "NCan we have blow jobs?" "okay." "Come here." "Okay." "I'm going up there." "too." " Think you could help me with this?" "N" " You need help?" "yeah.NIt's a little sticky there." " You can do it.N" " Okay." "I can do it.NI can do it." "Do you wanna play with them?" "Play with them." "let's do that.N" " Okay." "Let's do that." "I fixed your tire." "honey." "What in the hellNare you doing with my wife?" "You said outside thatNwe could have sex with her." "Shit!" "Shit!" "you did." " I did not!" "N" " You did." "you did." " You sure?" "N" " You said it." "My mistake!" "Freakshow." "since we're all here how about a foursome?" "Who wants the first reach-around?" "let's agree to never talkNabout what just happened." "Agreed." "That's a very good idea." "I have no ideaNwhere we are." "What?" " Is that a hitchhiker?" "N" " What the hell?" " Should we pick him up?" "N" " And get chopped to bits?" "Are you crazy?" "You know what?" "We're lost." "He mayNknow how to get back on the highway." "Get back on the road.NThis is my car." "man." "thanksNfor picking me up." "Nare you Neil Patrick Harris?" "Yep." "what are you doing here?" "N" " Holy shit." "my favorite show growing up." "You were my idol." "That's great." "Could we get going?" "NI'm bored as shit back here." "go.N" " Let's go." "This is a frickin' boring spot. did you ever get it onNwith Wanda off the set?" "I humped every pieceNof ass ever on that show." "Even the chickNwho played the hot nurse?" "No." "I didn't goNall the way with her." "you wouldn't happen to know would you?" "I don't even knowNwhere the fuck I am right now." "I was at this party earlier tonight and some guy hooked me upNwith this incredible X." "I'm beingNthrown out of a moving car." "dude." "too. but we keep getting sidetracked." "you fascinate me." "Forget White Castle.NLet's go get some pussy." " Huh?" "N" " It's a fuckin' sausage-fest in here." "Let's get us some poontang.NThen we'll go to White Castle." "you don't understand." "We've been cravingNthese burgers all night." "too... fur burgers." "let's pick upNsome trim at a strip club." "The Doogie lineNalways works on strippers." "Lap dance." "There's a gas station.NI'm gonna see if we can get directions." "We don't need... hurry up.NI'm losing wood." "hurry." "Neil." "We'll be back." "What's the deal with Neil Patrick Harris?" "NWhy is he so horny?" "but we can'tNlet him interfere with our quest." "these punks again." "homos?" "Extreme!" "Let's go." "pies... no." "what is that?" "NIs that a pterodactyl?" "I do not know what that is." "dude!" "can you tell us howNto get to the highway from here?" "I got this." "who knew learning HindiNwould actually pay off?" "Na couple traffic lights from here." "We should be in Cherry HillNin ten minutes." "three!" "N" " No." "No." " No.N" " Extreme kayaking!" "No!" "Extreme!" "that was so fuckin' extreme!" " Check it out!" "N" " Extreme cheddar!" " Hey.N" " Extreme cashier!" "Somebody should do something." "you're right." "asshole!" "NWhy don't you leave that guy alone and go jerk off to someNsnowboarding videos or something?" "I didn't mean youNshould do something about it." "What?" "You're gonna take that?" "What's up with that?" "Huh?" "You're gonna take that?" " Yeah!" "N" " Yeah!" "bitch!" "You just try fuckin' with meNone more time!" "come again." " Yeah!" "N" " Yeah!" "you okay?" "NI just hate those assholes." "I'm hungry.NLet's just get outta here." "Did Doogie HowserNjust steal my fucking car?" "Yes." "I think he did." "You!" "You had to pick upNa hitchhiker!" "Why?" "!" "Calm down." "Why did you leaveNthe keys in the car?" "Why?" "BecauseNit would get stolen." "I figured that Neil Patrick HarrisNwas a trustworthy guy." "Come on." "How was I supposedNto know he'd fuck us over?" "is your fault!" " Where are you going?" "N" " I'm going inside to call the police." "I don't wantNto talk to you anymore." " Yeah!" "N" " Yeah!" "There's a pay phoneNacross the street if you don't wannaNdeal with those assholes." "right?" "I'm not speaking to you." "When are they fucking goingNto develop button technology that will understand urgency?" "!" "this is ridiculous." "Just walk across.N" " It'll change in a second." "There's not a car in sight.NJust go ahead." "Fine." "You want me to cross?" "NI will cross." "NI will cross." "I'll do it." "Shit!" " What..." "N" " Sorry." "NOfficer Palumbo?" "Is there a problem?" "NYou ever heard of jaywalking?" "I have." "I'm really sorry.NWon't happen again." "That's great.NI'm writing you up a ticket." "A ticket?" "NAre you serious?" "shitwad?" "Let me apologizeNfor my friend here." "I'm very sorry." "I'm really glad you're here.NWe've had a rough night." "You know the showNDoogie Howser M. D.?" "I love that show. "Doogie." "Neil Patrick HarrisNstole my car tonight." "Nall right?" "Give me some I.D." "how can youNgive him a ticket for jaywalking?" "It's 2:30 in the morning.NThere's not a car around here." "shut up." "That's not the kind of toneNyou want to use on a cop who can bust your ass." "Koo-mar." "Bust your ass." "What kind of nameNis that anyhow?" "Koo-mar." "five O's or two U's?" "it's actually one U." "bullshit." "Whatever happened to good oldNAmerican names like Dave or Jim?" " Harold.N" " Harold." " Are you kidd..." "N" " Now that's a great name." "son." "ladies." "if you don't stop..." "I understand exactlyNwhat's going on here." "let meNtake a couple of guesses." " I'm really sorry..." "N" " Get your hands down!" "alright.N" " No sudden moves." "Back it up!" "right?" "Absolutely right." "right?" "With pleasure. how can instill give them shit?" "I'll become a cop." "congratu-fuckin'-lations.NYour dream has come true." "why don't you just takeNthis quiet little Asian guy with the Anglicized nameNthat treats you so well and give him a coupleNof other tickets?" "just take him to jail.N" " Better idea." "Harold?" "Harold." "Nwe're going downtow... shit." "thank you so much forNbeing understanding about Bradley." "I promise youNhe won't ever do it again." "I'm sure he won't." "Brad?" "sir." "Bradley Thomas." "Brad." "Are you gonna doNsomething about my car?" "First our top story." "The search for the escaped cheetahNcontinues tonight." "It was last spottedNin Randolph County." "South of..." " So what are you in here for?" "N" " For being black." "Seriously." "I am serious.NYou wanna know what happened? and a cop stops me." "Evidently a black guyNrobbed a store in Newark." "I haven't even beenNto Newark in months." "he starts beating meNwith his gun telling me to stop resisting arrest.N" " Holy shit!" "What'd you do?" "N"I understand I'm under arrest." "Now please stop beating me." "I don't understand howNyou can be so calm about all this. and I have two gay fathers." "People have beenNmessing with me my whole life." "I learned a long time ago thatNthere's no sense getting all riled up every time a bunch of idiotsNgive you a hard time." "the universe tendsNto unfold as it should." "Plus I have a really large penis.NThat keeps me happy." "guys!" "Multiple gunshotsNfired in Millbrook Park." "some action.NI'm goin'!" "I'm goin'!" "N" " Lock and load!" "That was strange." "What the hell was that?" "Rold." "Is that you?" " Kumar?" "N" " Are the cops still here?" "What the hell are you doing?" "I just called and made up some storyNabout a shooting in Millbrook Park." "what'd you do that for?" "N" " I'm fucking starving." "I figured I'd bust you outNand we'd go get some burgers." "Forget it." "I'm not gettingNinto any more trouble." "I'm already in here because of you." "fuck you!" "Nstand there and take the hit?" "ever." "I never got your car stolen." " Fine." "I'm leaving.N" " Fine." "how do I get out of here?" "N" " How the hell should I know?" "this isn't good." "My ass!" "Sure you don't wantNto get out of here?" "And become a fugitive?" "NAre you nuts?" " The guy has all my information.N" " So what?" "We'll just take what heNwrote down about you and leave." "Unless you want toNstay here all night and not be able toNturn in your work tomorrow." "hurry up." "Nwe gotta find keys." "yes!" "Sweet!" "I was hoping it wouldNbe one of these big ring of keys." "yeah." " Yes!" "N" " Dude!" "what's that smell?" "N" " What smell?" "Kumar." "If we still have time.NWe might still get by" "Every time I think about itNI wanna cry" "With bombs and the devil.NAnd the kids keep comin'" "No way to breathe easy.NNo time to be young" "But I tell myselfNthat I'm doin' all right" "There's nothin' leftNto do at night" "But go crazy on you" "Crazy on you" "Let me go crazy.NCrazy on you" "Crazy on you you fuckin' whore!" "Let me go crazy.NCrazy on you" "I love you." "no." "come on." "Kumar." "Kumar!" "NWhere are you... asshole!" "Come here!" "Kumar!" "The cops... huh?" "I was in bed.NI didn't fire any gun." "I swear." "Jackson's trying to escape!" "What are you talking about?" "NI'm just sitting here." "He's trying to break free!" "NGet him!" "shit.N" " Don't move!" "Stop resisting!" "NWe need backup now!" "that's a book." " Secure the book!" "N" " Book is secure." "You bring this filth in here?" "NWhat is this shit?" "wait." "We gottaNdo something about this." "brother." "I'd leaveNas soon as possible." "man." "man." "No problem." "The burgers wouldn'tNtaste as good if you weren't there." "look at this." "It's like we went from beingNcompletely poor to being millionaires." " What was that?" "N" " Probably just a coyote." "Aren't people supposed toNbe scared of coyotes?" "man." "no problem." "What?" "cheetahs are another story." "now hold on." "Cheetahs are used toNeating gazelles and shit." "They're not knownNfor eating humans." "That is a corpse.NWe're gonna die." "Shit!" "NThat's not a good sign." "he'll just go away." "Okay." "okay?" "Just stay right there.NVery good." "Good job." "This isn't working." "He's mauling me!" "NHe's mauling me!" "I told you notNto bring the beef jerky." "He likes me." "I have an idea." "man.N" " Uh-uh." "This is either a really smart move or by far the stupidest thingNthat we have ever tried." "we're about to find out." "Mush!" "I told you this was..." "Oy vey!" "Nor is this actually working?" " Both!" "N" " This is awesome!" "We're gonna beNat White Castle in no time!" "Roldy?" "Harold." "Harold." "Come here." "Harold.N" " Maria." "baby!" "I want you to hold me.NPapi. I need you." "I'm a-comin'!" "Not so fast." "watch out" "Come on!" "Bullets... my only weakness.NHow did you know?" "Maria" "Harold." "Maria." "Maria" "Maria." "Maria" "watch out watch out" "What the hellNare you doing?" "God!" "You've been out coldNfor the past half-hour." "I figured maybe if I didNsome gay shit you'd wake up." "If we did some gay shit?" "NWhere are we?" "Didn't we come here on a cheetah?" "NWhere's the cheetah?" "okay?" "I have some bad newsNand some worse news." "Give me the worse news first. and it looks like the cheetahNtook us in the wrong direction." " Shit!" "N" " Yeah." " Shit!" "N" " Yeah." "what's the bad news?" "Your laptop's completely destroyed." "What?" "Why didn't..." "NWhy didn't you tell me..." "How is that notNthe worse news? whereas the White CastleNsituation affects both of us equally." "no!" "All my work was savedNon this computer." "Now I gotta go backNto the office and redo it." "Exactly.NFirst we'll go to White Castle..." "Forget about White Castle.NThere is no time." "Car." "Hello." "Over here!" "Shit." "Whoa." "Yeah." "Um... all right?" "Come on." "You all right?" "nice!" "Apu!" "Jesus." "These guysNare frickin' everywhere." "Who's looking afterNthe Kwik-E-Mart while you're gone?" "You two goingNto share a curry Slurpee?" "Fucking assholes." "check it out.NIt's Rosenberg and Goldstein." "I want that." "a Hot Dog HeavenNsuper chili cheese dog?" "No." "I want that feeling." "The feeling that comes over a man when he getsNexactly what he desires." "I need that feeling." "Are you sayingNwhat I think you're saying?" "yes!" "dude." "Check it out." "Why don't you guysNjust leave us alone?" "Mr. Miyagi?" "man!" "There's no senseNgetting all riled up every time a bunch of idiotsNgive you a hard time." "The universe tendsNto unfold as it should." "Nothing." " Fucking extreme!" "N" " I'm so sick of their bullshit." "Don't worry." "The universeNtends to unfold as it should." "Nsome fortune cookie?" "okay?" " Your lead?" "N" " Yeah." "Okay." "shit!" "Those pricks!" "isn't it?" "guys!" " Jerk-offs!" "N" " My truck!" "come again." "that was so not extreme." "baby." "Volume 5"?" "NWhat is this shit?" "And I need you now tonight" "Those guys are fuckin' posers." "And if you'll only hold me tight" "Baby." "Baby." "The starsNare shining foryou" "And just like me.NI'm sure that they adore you" "Baby." "Baby" "Go walking through the forest" "Things'll go your way" "Hold on for one more day" "I know that there is pain" "But you hold on for one more day" "And you break freeNfrom the chains" "Yeah." "I know that there is pain" "But you hold onNfor one more day" "And you break freeNright from the chains" "Someday somebody's gonnaNmake you wanna turn around" " And say good-byeN" " Say good-bye baby" "Are you gonna let 'emNhold you down and make you cry?" "Don't you knowNthings can change" "Things'll go your way" "If you hold on for one more day" "Hold on" "Bingo." "man.NWe're almost there." "man!" "Nand I'm gonna need backup." "shit.N" " Shit." "dude.NAre you kidding me?" "man." "We've come too far.NNow buckle up." "Buckle up!" "We got a chase on our hands." " Ready?" "N" " Yeah." "For what?" "shit!" " Where the fuck you takin' us?" "N" " Just hold on." "What the..." "It's a good thing I have an emptyNstomach or else I'd puke right now." "We're gonna make it." "Everything's gonna be all ri... my God!" "shit." "Holy shit." " Put her in reverse." "Hurry!" "N" " Shit!" "Let's go out the back.NI'll go first." "hurry up!" "check it out." "man!" "Whoa." "Not necessarily." "No." "not a chance.NI'd rather turn myself in than die." "I knowNexactly how to do that." "I used to do it with my dadNall the time when I was a kid." "man." "huh?" "Nit's about far more than that. and hunger." "Harold." "very hungry. a land filled with hamburger stands." "okay?" "and condiments." "That land was America." "Harold!" "America!" "this is about achievingNwhat our parents set out for." "This is about the pursuitNof happiness." "This night..." "Nis about the American dream. and end our hopes of everNgoing to White Castle." "Or we can take that hang gliderNand make our leap towards freedom." "I leave the decision up to you." "Kumar." "Tilt forward." " Roldy.N" " What?" " Don't worry." "Everything's gonna be fine.N" " All right." "Rold." "Keep running.N" " Thank you." "there's somethingNI forgot to tell you." " I've never hang-glided before.N" " What?" "!" "Jump!" "my God!" "my God!" "Yeah!" "Good news." "I just found enough dope in the car to put these skateboard punksNin jail for the next couple of years." "we're so high right now.N" " We're not low." "left." "Perfect!" " Shit!" "N" " Shit!" "God!" "I'm gonna kill you!" "Look!" "dude." "huh?" "Nand 4 large Cherry Cokes." "Chuck." "that comesNto $46.75." "where's my money?" "N" " You don't have money?" "are you kidding me?" "N" " No." "I gave mineNto that asshole at Princeton." "this isn't happening!" "Nand now we're broke!" "no!" "let me pay for it.NIt's the least I can do." "The hell are you doing here? too." "dude?" "sorry about that.NI told you last night I was tripping balls." "I don't know what came over me." "Your car's in the parking lot.NHere are your keys." "Do you realize what the hell we had toNgo through after you took the car?" "Yeah." "It was a dick moveNon my part." "That's why I'm payingNfor your meal." "Prick." "I guess." "Here's 50 bucks for the burgersNand 200 for the car." "What happened to my car?" "I made some love stainsNin the back seat." "You'll see." "nice meeting you guys.NI'll catch you later." "Where are you going?" "Wherever God takes me." "whoa." "Let's do this together." "that hit the spot." "too." "dude?" "I think I may actually goNto my interview today." "Are you serious?" "my whole lifeNI've just been scared but tonight got me thinking." "There are far worse thingsNin this world than being tapped for having a naturalNability in medicine." "Chick magnet." "Chick magnet" "Nsaving that dude's life last night? and seeing Neil Patrick Harris that I realized that I'veNalways wanted to be a doctor but I've just been too scaredNto admit it to myself." "I'll be there..." "Nyou would." "Roldy?" "NI'm having a major epiphany here." "I'll be right back." "You're unlike any other womanNI've ever met." "What the fuck is going on here?" "man?" "Never mind me.NWhat the fuck are you doing here?" "I thought you and J.D.NWere busy all night with clients." "Isn't that whyNI had to do your work?" "cock boy." "What I said to himNgoes double for you." "you know I did." "You're just stalling because you're not quickNenough to think of a comeback." "You think I'm not quick enough.NGuy thinks I'm not quick enough." "I've got news for you.NI am quick enough cock boy!" "I'm really sorry." "Don't bother with him." "We'll take it upNwith Berenson tomorrow." "What are youNgonna tell Berenson?" "That I'm your workhorse? leave the work toNthe quiet Asian guy in the office?" "you don't understand." "I'm not doingNyour work for you anymore." "And if either oneNof you douche bags I'll go to Berenson myself." "I'll tell him what's really going on." "And I'll tell the whole office how you both caught gonorrheaNfrom that prostitute in Atlantic City." "NI gotta get going." "Kumar." "See you boysNat the office on Monday." "Excuse me." "that was awesome!" "NWhere the hell did that come from?" "I don't know." "Eating those delicious burgersNmade me feel like a new man." "You know what?" "Now I'm actually looking forwardNto going to work this week." "Nyou might be worthwhile after all." "I'm not worthless." "so those dudesNreally have gonorrhea?" "Beats me." "Hey." "dude?" "I don't have my interviewNfor a couple of hours." "I got some unfinished businessNto take care of." "I thought those guysNwere gonna do the work." "unfinished business." " Maria.N" " Still not following you." "Get in!" "So you don't even have a plan." "man." "Trust me." "I'm gonnaNknow exactly what to say." " Hey.N" " Hey." "It looks like you guysNhave had some night." "Shit." "You know what?" "NI left my lighter in your car." "please?" "I gotta urinate." "You sure got a lot of baggage." "wait. at all." "But let me tell youNthe best part of my day is." "I spend ten secondsNin this elevator with you. you have to go for it." "And if Liane canNmarry a guy like Freakshow then I guess... fuck it." "I'm spendin' my dimes" "Give me a minute.NThis is crazy." " That was..." "I'm sorry.N" " I don't even know you." "Nso I'm a little dizzy." "so that was inappropriate." "fuck it." "I wanna get next to you" "I wanna get next to you" "Okay." "Now you just have to workNon your timing." " Where are you going?" "N" " Amsterdam." "I'll be back in ten days.NBut I'll see you when I get back?" "let's do that." "Harold." "Bye." "Bye.NI'll see you later." " She touch your penis?" "N" " What?" "What happened?" "really.NJust a little kiss action." "Nice." "Nice!" "Yeah." "She's going to Amsterdam.NShe'll be back in ten days." "We gotta go." "man." " We gotta get our bags packed..." "N" " Amsterdam?" "...and frickin' take the next flight out." "Are you freaking out of your mind?" "NWhat about your interview?" "whatever.NI'll tell my dad to reschedule it." "He won't have a problem as long asNI take it seriously for a change." "We gotta freakin' go to EuropeNand find Maria." "she's coming backNin ten days." "It's not like I'm neverNgonna see her again. okay?" "Nsophisticated guys all over her." "Nshe may not be available." "Forget it." "I'll see herNwhen she comes back." "Roldy." "don't you?" "yeah." "NRutgers professor Tarik Jackson and attorney Nathaniel Banks areNsuing the state of New Jersey for racial discriminationNand police brutality." "My family and I are outraged and will settle forNnothing less than justice." "all of them." "And Asians.NAnd Asians." "And a few Mexicans as well." "Several of the officersNsuspected of brutality were taken into custodyNearlier this morning." "you mother... so... all y'all." "You can suck my... have just arrestedNa gang of hooligans who are suspected of terrorizingNnumerous strip malls and convenience stores. which contained a large bagNof marijuana." "Nthe Muckleburg Police Department are still looking for a fugitive who escapedNfrom the police station last night with a companionNbelieved to be his accomplice." "Police have releasedNsketches of the two fugitives which they believeNto be extremely accurate." "Nice!"