"APPLAUSE" "Welcome to The Fake News Show, the only show that bravely mines the depths of shams, scams, and election doublespeak that has now become our norm." "In a busy week of fake news, my favourite story was this." "Obviously, a completely made-up story." "Corbyn was never a teenager." "Joining me to sort the fact from fiction tonight are four of the sharpest analytical minds in the country." "On Katherine's team, it's Adil Ray, and joining Richard, it's Robert Rinder." "CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" "When you're in court, Robert, how do you know if a witness is faking it?" "I'm quite good at that." "I've got quite a skill of being able to discern lies." "You know, like, farts in cars." "I can usually tell." "Like farts in cars?" "I can smell them." "Oh, I see, right." "I think everybody can smell farts in cars." "You said you're a bad liar." "I think you'd be rather good." "Well, point proven, then." "Adil." "Yes." "You know all about fakery, too." "I was amazed to learn you're not actually an elderly man." "That's right!" "There you are." "Where is the show set?" "It's set in Sparkhill, Birmingham." "Yeah." "There used to be a slogan about Birmingham - it had "more canals than Venice"." "But we've changed that now - it's "more mosques in Saudi Arabia"." "Didn't Fox News report that Birmingham was 100% Muslim?" "Yes, it's right - well, it's about 99%, I'd say." "A bit of exaggeration." "Oh, sorry." "But it's not Birmingham any more." "It's "Birming" - we've taken out the "ham"." "Yeah." "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" "Now, the general election continues at a thrilling pace, but how much of what the political parties are telling us can we trust?" "To keep track of the truth, we're compiling a log of anything bogus, false or downright dubious from the campaign trail in our Fake News Shamifesto." "Sounds like a person." "Shamifesto?" "Yeah, like Shami Chakrabarti, or..." "Actually, you sound Indian to me." "You've got an Indian name..." "Judge-rinder!" "I did a case - this is absolutely true - involving a number of Sikh defendants and the solicitor had never met me, but knew my leader in the case, and spent two weeks looking for me, thought I was Rob-rinder Singh." "The panel must nominate something from the election." "If I think it sounds suitably fishy," "I'll add it to the Shamifesto and they will get a point." "OK, teams, buzz in if you've got something to nominate." "CHIMING Katherine." "There was a leaders' debate, but it was not full of leaders." "Sort of like a royal garden party where Edward and Andrew host." "I think I read somebody on Twitter said it was a really bad edition of Take Me Out." "There is no such thing." "Yes, there was a leaders' debate that didn't actually involve anyone that could be the future leader of the country." "Buzzfeed's Jim Waterson summed it all up." "He said..." "This is all a bit harsh on Nicola Sturgeon, isn't it?" "She doesn't lead A country, if not THE country." "But given we don't want to watch any sort of leaders' debate, even Theresa May and Jeremy Corbyn is not going to get great ratings." "If it hadn't been for Paul Nuttall - he's the only reason anyone is watching, just to see what he gets wrong - it would have got zero." "The last debate in 2015 got 7.4 million." "OK." "This one got 1.6 million." "More people preferred to watch Supervet on Channel 4." "Presumably because it was just the animals being put to sleep and not the viewer." "There was one highlight, though, which unsurprisingly involved Ukip's Paul Nuttall making something up - what was that?" "Well, he made up the other panellist's name." "Yes, he did." "He kept calling Leanne Wood "Natalie", who wasn't even there." "Let's have a look at him calling Leanne Wood "Natalie", twice." "6,500 well-paid jobs in Wales that you were protected prepared to just lose down the swanny." "Natalie, we have a huge..." "I'm not Natalie, I'm Leanne." "I think that Natalie is absolutely right, we need to..." "Will you call me Leanne?" "Leanne, I'm sorry, my fault." "Thank you." "Sorry." "Woman's names..." "You've done it twice, now." "Have I?" "Oh, I'm sorry about that." "Do you know, that's the first time I've ever seen him." "Ever?" "As a judge, what's your first impression of him?" "Is he lying?" "Shall we see a picture of him?" "Has he got lipstick on?" "That's what I thought." "I thought, you know, he definitely needs a new stylist." "He looks like he's been mugged by Grange Hill." "Poor darling." "I feel like the make-up artist sabotaged him." "You know what her name was?" "Natalie." "You know they put this weird film out of him, sort of..." "He appears to be walking down a street, but he is walking just on one spot." "Yes, it's his campaign video." "Like, Show Me The Way To Amarillo." "That video." "That's the one, yes." "Let's look at Paul Nuttall's enigmatic campaign video." "LAUGHTER" "Rather like Ukip, he doesn't appear to be going anywhere." "On the wall, looking out there, looking to see there's no more immigrants coming, just checking." "No boats are coming this way." "The problem for Ukip is that I feel like the Tories have stolen their brand, slightly, and they need a rebrand - like, "corrosive things from the past that didn't do them any harm."" "You know, like, "didn't do me any harm."" ""Smoking in the car - didn't do me any harm."" ""Getting smacked - didn't do me any harm."" ""The Empire, didn't do me any harm."" ""Ukip."" "Good, I like it." "APPLAUSE" "What I don't understand, if you are a single-issue party, with one fundamental purpose, and you, whatever your view, have achieved that purpose, what's the point, you know?" "If you started a Bring Back Dynasty party" " I'm thinking of it - and they brought it back..." "Apparently they are bringing it back, hold your horses." "Really?" "Very exciting." "Um, you know, all of a sudden, there was Krystle Carrington, you'd stop campaigning, surely." "No, I would, next election, bring back Knox Landing." "You see?" "That's how I would go." "This is like the best date ever." "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" "The Lib Dems' Tim Farron was there as well and, to be fair to him, they are only aiming to come second on June 8th, with just 220 seats to make up on Labour." "The Lib Dems disappointed my daughter a while ago." "Oh, no - how?" "We got a letter home that said," ""There'll be a very special guest in primary school."" "And I really thought it would be a puppy or something like that." "You know, something children like." "And my daughter was so excited." "And she went to school and she came home that day and I said, "What was it?" "Who was the surprise?"" "And she goes, "Oh, some Mick Clegg."" "They e-mailed out a link to their manifesto, promising "a brighter future for Britain", but the link didn't work." "So if you clicked on it, you got their default error message, which is..." "They're skating on thin ice, there." "Let's hope that's still as funny for them come 9th June." "Well, I think calling it a leaders' debate without May and Corbyn was a bit of false advertising, so let's add it to the Shamifesto." "Well done, Katherine, that's a point for you." "APPLAUSE" "Can I have another nomination for the Shamifesto?" "Please, buzz in." "BUZZER Richard?" "It's the..." "It's been the week of the manifestos." "Yes." "Which, for fake news fans, is like a new Harry Potter coming out." "In the Tory one, there's this suggestion of what they call Mayism, which is..." "She wants the Tories to be the party of the workers." "Yes, there's this shift towards the Tories being the party of the working man." "The Telegraph referred to "Chairman May's Little Blue Book."" "And the Sun say..." "Do the right-wing press really believe Theresa represents the party of the workers?" "Or is it part of a plan to get Labour voters to vote Conservative?" "I think they do believe it, cos we learned on The One Show that Philip May takes the bins out, right?" "And he had bigger jobs, but she managed him down to refuse." "So when she talks about the working man, she is literally talking about her husband." "No, look, the whole thing is fake." "She is floating an entirely fake, vacuum campaign, as you would do if you're that far ahead in the polls." "They think she's being nice." ""Oh, she so nice."" "If that's nice, bringing back fox-hunting, what's a nasty Tory bringing back?" "The guillotine?" "So, any other reasons why Theresa May might not be the worker's champion?" "She hates the working class?" "Possibly." "I mean, where do you begin?" "What about her voting record?" "Oh, yeah, that's right." "She voted for the employee tribunal fees." "So at one point, she is saying, "I'm all up for workers' rights."" "But in the past, she's literally stopping people..." "If you've got a complaint against your boss, you now have to possibly pay fees for it and she's voted for that." "She has voted, on several occasions, to restrict workers' rights." "Let's look at Theresa May's voting record on workers' rights, compared here to the leader of the Labour Party." "They basically voted in opposite directions on every single item and she's voted against what could be seen as the working class on each occasion." "It's weird." "So, something's happened." "What could it be?" "I don't know - might be an election coming up." "Ah..." "What else are the Tories promising to help the workers?" "Didn't she say she would reduce immigration?" "Yeah, she did." "They're sticking to a target to get net migration below 100,000 a year." "What's the problem with this?" "Well, we've got a wedding in Birmingham next month, and we're only inviting immediate family, and that's 13,000, so..." "Yes, Theresa May has been trying to reduce immigration for years, when she was Home Secretary, and she failed." "George Osborne wrote in the London Evening Standard..." "Unbelievable." "Do you know George?" "A little bit, yes." "We sometimes will run next to each other at my boot camp." "A very strange morning..." "Whoa, whoa, whoa..." "You'll run next to each other at your boot camp?" "Yes." "Let's unpack this." "OK." "Is it YOUR boot camp?" "It's not mine." "Oh, I was about to sign up." "No, you can go, they let ordinary members of the public in." "Are you sure it's not just an angry mob chasing George Osborne?" "Um, yes, it's him, and..." "Who's the one that looks like the homeless one from One Direction?" "Oh, yeah, David Cameron." "Yes." "No, Harry Styles." "Oh, Harry is there as well?" "He's there, and David..." "We're all going next time, aren't we?" "I'll tell you who else goes in there..." "Yeah?" "Who's the one that was married to Madonna?" "Oh..." "Paul Chuckle." "I love Paul Chuckle." "Tell me about it." "Chuckle Brothers." "To you..." "To me." "To you." "To me." "That's a workout, isn't it?" "I could talk..." "KATHERINE:" "No, no, no!" "What else can you tell us about the celebrity workout class?" "Does anyone not wear underpants?" "It's one of those things - you tend not to look, you know." "YOU tend not to look." "You do like to compare, I suppose." "Right, well, back to..." "CLEARS THROAT" "..Theresa May." "There was an interesting insight into the way the Conservatives see the working class." "Here is a tweet from a certain candidate in Yorkshire." "Now, it seems to be implying the guy can't be working-class because he goes to Costa." "Is that fair enough?" "But that's in Yorkshire." "I have a friend in Yorkshire whose family won't talk to her cos she had a smoothie." "But Costa?" "Costa is essentially Wetherspoon's for coffee." "They are absolutely everywhere." "There are so many Costas near me, my local Starbucks has now got a Costa." "It's so much fun in this country, because we genuinely don't even have class in Canada." "RICHARD:" "Yeah, no kidding." "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" "We don't." "It's true, and, like, every time I tell people that here, they are so confused." ""How do you know who to be friends with?"" "I say, "We just work it out."" "I once went to a Costa in a service station, very late at night, and as I walked up, there was no-one else there apart from the two people working there, they were having this screaming row, and as I got there," "one nudged the other and stormed off, and the one who was left went, "Yeah?"" "And I went, "I'd like a...cappuccino."" "She gave me the coffee - you know, sometimes, you get it and there's virtually nothing in it." "I went, "Could you put a bit more milk in that?" She went..." "So she turned round, and those coffee machines have very shiny fronts, and I could see her, in her reflection, spitting into my coffee." "GASPS AND MURMURS" "I said to her, "Excuse me, are you spitting into my coffee?"" "She went, "No."" "I said, "I could see you in the reflection."" "She went, "Well, what if I was?"" "Costa." "OK, so, I agree, the Tories don't quite cut it as the party of the working class." "So let's add it to the Shamifesto." "Well done, Richard, that's a point for you." "APPLAUSE" "See you after the break." "CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" "Welcome back to The Fake News Show." "Time now to take our first trip of the series into the Echo Chamber." "An image representing a bit of fake news will emerge from its murky depths." "I want you to buzz in to tell me what it is." "Let's see our first one." "What is the fake news here?" "BUZZER" "Yes." "I mean, it literally could be anything." "LAUGHTER" "Trump's entire career is fake news." "He gets through his career by either denying something, or his other thing, which is a new one which works equally well for him, which is admitting stuff." "So, he says, "Yeah, yeah, I did that, yeah. "Oh, yeah, okay, fine, yeah." "I'm sure..." ""I know you read the thing out about the Russians, in the room with" ""them, and I know you've admitted to it and, yeah, that's okay." Yes." "This is Donald Trump casually leaking classified information." "Oh, that's actually the guys he leaked it to, was it?" "These are the guys, yes." "The Washington Post said that the President had..." "Why did he do this?" "Well, cos they are his own allies." "LAUGHTER" "This is where I identify with Trump." "I mean, it's the only level that I identify with him on." "I am terrible with secrets." "I love to tell someone a secret, cos they're so happy to receive the secret." "And if I know something, I just tell my friends, "If it's a secret, don't tell me." ""I'll tell everyone." "Maybe on stage."" "LAUGHTER" "He apparently told the Russians in the Oval Office that..." "Which could constitute an obstruction of justice." "It does, doesn't it?" "What, you mean you fire the person who's investigating you?" "No, that sounds like a perfectly reasonable thing to do." "LAUGHTER" "It's the moment you sort of turn and camply look at the jury and go..." "LAUGHTER" "If you were the special counsel, or if you had to try him in an impeachment hearing, how would you do it?" "Well, it's so easy." "When you have a moron like that, you just sort of allow them to talk, don't you?" ""So, explain to me why you fired the person who was investigating you."" "LAUGHTER" "And then you'd say, "And we'll find out if you're going to get impeached after the break." "They do say funny things though." "Who, judges?" "No, no, no." "Defendants." "The lawyer in the last case I did was representing an habitual prostitute." "Can we say that before 8:30?" "She had done very well." "She had a good career." "And she was in for something more serious, and I said to her," ""You know, Martha, what made you finally...?" That wasn't her real name." ""What made you finally, you know, give up and go into this other line of work?"" "And she said it, completely earnestly, "Well, you know, Rob," ""the thing is, it was the stairs in the end."" "LAUGHTER" "Fair enough." "You don't think of that, do you?" "Up and down, up and down all bloody day." "Former FBI director Robert Mueller has taken over James Comey's investigation into links between the Russian camp and Trump's camp." "How has Trump responded?" "He's banned Muller Corners." "He said he's the target of the greatest witch-hunt." "And he's also said this, quite emphatically." "No politician in history, and I say this with great surety, has been treated worse or more unfairly." "LAUGHTER" "I think Mrs Lincoln may have something to say about that statement." "Yeah, and he forgets the fact that JFK got shot." "Yes." "Just think about poor Nelson Mandela." "That sort of... 27 years in prison." "Yeah, the delusion." "Trump's been treated worse than that." "Yeah, exactly!" "Maybe he can see into the future." "LAUGHTER" "It's hard to say if he is the worst treated politician in history, but historian Dan Snow thinks not." "He tweeted..." "I quite like the idea of a Trump novelty footstool." "LAUGHTER" "Well, well done, Richard and Robert, you get the point." "APPLAUSE" "Just time for one more visit to the Echo Chamber." "What's the fake news here?" "Oh." "Ah, now we're talking." "BUZZER" "Yes, Adil." "Well, I have to admit I fell hook, line and sinker for this one." "It was a couple of weekends ago for the Joshua fight, and I went on to Twitter just to see what happened, and I saw that." "Someone had tweeted it, so I retweeted it." "I told all my friends at dinner, "You're not going to believe what's happened."" "And they said, "Are you sure?" I went, "Okay, let me just go and double-check."" "And realised it was completely fake, so I had to undo a retweet, very embarrassing." "Yes, that is UK children's TV star Barry Chuckle and multimillionaire East Coast rapper Jay-Z." "He's got 99 problems, usually involving carrying a plank with his brother." "LAUGHTER" "Every now and then, Who Do You Think You Are throws up a genuine surprise." "LAUGHTER" "The pair were apparently depicted together watching Anthony Joshua box." "This was fake news, however." "It was just a clever bit of photomanipulation." "Here's the original image." "LAUGHTER" "Oh, I wish." "I would love that." "In that photo, it looks like you forgot to turn your face." "Here is Jay-Z with his real friend, boxer Andre Ward." "That's such a shame." "I wanted to believe that hip-hop stars were hanging out with children's TV presenters." "You know, that Drake was in da bungalow with Dick and Dom." "I think that's the reason why fake news works." "I realise by being a victim of this is that actually what it is, you want it to be true." "And historically there will be 25% of people who saw the original photo will never have found out it was fake news, so for 25% of the people they will go through the rest of their lives thinking that Barry Chuckle went to the boxing" "with Jay-Z, and what a lovely way to spend your life." "Well done to Adil." "You've got that right." "You get the point." "APPLAUSE" "Time now to play The People Have Spoken." "I'm going to read out some reactions to a story I found online, and our teams need to buzz in when they think they know what that story is." "All of these comments were made about the same story." "Fingers on buzzers, teams." "Here's the first pearl of wisdom." "BUZZER" "It's a photo of Keith Richards." "No, I'll give you another comment." "BUZZER" "Oh, is that the autobiography of Britney Spears' latest husband?" "BUZZER" "Is it what Diane Abbott says every 60 seconds?" "LAUGHTER" "APPLAUSE" "BUZZER" "Can I just say that comments like that really bother me, because this idea that you can get 52 seconds of your life back, life doesn't really work like that, does it?" "Yeah." "It doesn't." "You can't get any moment of your life back." "Even if it was something good, you can't go back and say, "Well, I'll do that again."" "It doesn't matter what you were doing in the last 52 seconds." "You can't get it back!" "Yeah." "Yeah." "Yeah, thanks, Adil." "Thank you." "APPLAUSE" "That's 30 seconds of my life I'll never get back." "LAUGHTER" "That was very passionate." "Would you consider being Labour leader?" "Yes!" "Let's try another one." "By someone entitled FlappyTird." "Wait, that's his name?" "FlabbyTird is his name, yes." "Somebody's..." "That's not his..." "FlabbyTird." "I don't understand how social media works." "I only go on it to correct the spelling of people that write unkind things." "LAUGHTER" "About other people or about yourself?" "No, me, me." ""Saying, there is a hyphen in bell-end."" "LAUGHTER" "Of course." "Well, let's have our final comment, from Chris from London." "He says..." "This is..." "There is a clip of a cat that sounds supposedly, sounds exactly like Barry White." "Oh, yeah." "Is it that?" "Is the right answer." "Let's have a listen." "'This is Jack.'" "DEEP MEOW" "ANOTHER DEEP MEOW" "'His voice is a little deeper than most cats.'" "No!" "Do we think that is real?" "If it's fake news, don't tell me." "Well, according to the Daily Mail, an explosive debate broke out about whether the meow was authentic." "YouTube user Grace Shah chipped in..." "Sophie Garcia made an excellent point..." "LAUGHTER" "APPLAUSE" "Let's take a look at the final scores." "Both teams have three points." "CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" "Thanks to our brilliant panellists, Katherine Ryan, Adil Ray," "Richard Osmond and Robert Rinder, and it's goodbye from the Debunker." "Good night." "CHEERING AND APPLAUSE"