"Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience." "(watch beeping)" "Oh!" "Good thing I set my watch, otherwise I would've forgot something very important I have to do right at this very minute." "Yeah, what's that, Wood?" "Did you... need to take some medication?" "No." "Well, uh... maybe you're supposed to call somebody, huh?" "No." "No..." "Perhaps you had an appointment?" "Maybe if I just don't think about it, it'll come to me." "I wouldn't worry about it, Wood." "As you get older, you know, the memory starts to go a bit." "Myself, I was thinking about maybe signing up for one of those memory classes." "That's it, my memory class!" "Today's graduation." "Oh, where'd I park?" "Oh, yeah." "See, it's working." "(theme song begins)" "♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪" "♪ Where everybody knows your name ♪" "♪ And they're always glad you came ♪" "♪ You wanna be where you can see ♪" "♪ Our troubles are all the same ♪" "♪ You wanna go where everybody knows your name. ♪" "Evening, everybody." "ALL:" "Norm!" "How's life treating you, Norm?" "Well, Sammy, it's not." "So I sure hope you are." "Where's Woody?" "Oh, his father-in-law took him and Kelly to see the Boston Symphony." "Ah!" "Probably thought Woody needed a little musical culture." "Yeah." "The Boston Symphony is offering "Mahler's Third" this evening, one of my absolute favourites." "It always brings salt water to Lilith's eyes." "Tears to you and me, saline secretions to her." ""Mahler's Third" takes over an hour and a half by itself." "The adagio alone is endless." "I beg your pardon." "Since when do you know anything about classical music?" "Since I was two years old." "My mother was a concert cellist." "I used to turn the pages for her while she was practicing." "And I loathe Mahler." "Well, it must have been very enriching to have a mother who played the cello." "Like hell." "Her food tasted like rosin, and every time I tried to sit on her lap, I fell through." "Hey, Cliffie, how're you doing?" "Not well, Sam." "Boy, am I mad!" "I've never been this upset!" "Boy, three words fellas, three words:" "Dames is grief." "Fighting with Ma, huh?" "Oh, and how." "It seems like that's all we do anymore." "You know, you'd think it'd be a perfect set-up... mother and a grown son living in a one bedroom apartment." "But no." "Reality check, gentlemen." "Life is not like the movies, I guess, huh?" "I'm sure it'll all blow over, Cliffie." "No, no way, Sammy, not this time." "I tell you that broad's pushed me too hard." "Too hard, I tell you." "It's about time I started pushing back." "She's just gone and created a monster, that's all." "But this monster is not gonna lie in some tomb of ice." "No, sirree." "My anger will melt that ice, so that I might rise up and, and crush the Tokyo of the buildings there beneath the talons of my animosity..." "Cliff, Cliff." "We all appreciate how hard you're working on this metaphor, but we get the idea." "(vocalizing Mahler's "Symphony No. 3 in D Minor")" "What a majestic composer that Mahler was." "What a piece of work!" "I'll go upstairs and see if Melville's is still serving dinner." "SAM:" "Say, Kelly, you go to a lot of those classical... concert things, don't you?" "Do you really enjoy them?" "Oh, I love them, Sam." "I just sit there and let my mind become a total blank." "How, how do you do that?" "How do I do what?" "You have a nice dinner, Kelly." "Why don't you order some protein, sweetheart." "That opening piece, that gorgeous" "Dvorjak cello concerto in, uh..." "What was it?" "B Minor." "Yes, I thought that was..." "Why, Miss Howe." "I'm flabbergasted." "B Minor's correct." "Believe me, I know." "Well, my compliments." "Obviously, when you've worked at the house" "I've failed to appreciate your depth." "Not to mention her width." "No, I've always thought that Mahler was an acquired taste." "You can say that again." "You know, it was a shared love for music which first attracted me to my ex-wife." "Really?" "Do you know "Mahler's Fourth"?" "(gasps)" "It's only my fave, that's all." "Hey, Woody, how'd it go, man?" "Oh, Sam, you're right." "Yeah?" "As soon as those lights dimmed," "I was sound asleep." "These things really came in handy." "Oh..." "Yeah, I tell you, these things bailed me out quite a few times." "Got me through a lot of heart-to-heart pillow talk with Diane." "That cello concerto, it gets everyone!" "You know, I stole a look at the young people during the allegretto, and I must admit, even Woody was displaying unusual intensity." "KELLY:" "Woody." "Woody, they say we can still eat if we order right now." "You know, Miss Howe," "I know this is late notice, but are you free this Saturday night?" "I'm having some people in to listen to classical music." "This, this, this, this Saturday?" "If you're busy, I'll understand..." "No, no!" "I, I'm I-I-I'm available." "Oh, splendid." "Shall we say around 7:00?" "7:00." "Yeah." "My God!" "Did you, did you just hear what happened?" "I certainly did." "This incredibly rich man asked me out." "And-and all this time, he's just b... he's been there right in front of my nose." "Well, congratulations, honey." "(whispers):" "I think he loves me." "Oh, come- slow down, will you?" "Just slow down." "All he did was ask you for a date." "Well, all Charles did was ask Diana if she wanted a cup of tea." "And look how that turned out." "Their marriage is in shambles." ""Shambles"?" "She got three castles and $80 mil." "I call that happily ever after." "I forgot my purse." "Uh, Kelly?" "Kelly, is your, is your dad seeing anyone special?" "No, and I wish he were." "Since the divorce, he just mopes around the house." "I sure wish he'd meet someone wonderful." "Oh, so do I." "For you, I mean." "You know, Kelly, isn't it rough on you, not having a mother around?" "I mean, you don't even have a stepmother." "Somebody to chat with, and to share things with, and to confide and tell all your special little secrets to." "Boy, I'll say." "Like there's this thing Woody does when we make love." "Now tell me if you think this is normal..." "Let's just save it." "Let-let..." "I think your soup's getting cold." "Come on, honey." "Go on upstairs." "Bye-bye." "Hey, Carla." "Give me a quick coffee, will you?" "I've got some major driving to do." "Cliffie." "Where've you been the past few days?" "Ah, getting my nerve up." "For what?" "Something drastic." "You and your mom still fighting?" "No, that's, uh... not a problem anymore." "No, uh, well why, Cliff?" "Why not?" "Well, 'cause I had all I could take." "Something unpleasant had to be done." "And it wasn't pretty, it wasn't easy, but, uh, she won't be bugging me anymore." "So, what's been going on around here?" "Well, Cliff, your ma is still at your place, isn't she?" "No, she's, uh, out in the car." "Why didn't you bring her in?" "Oh, everybody's getting kind of nosy around here, huh?" "You think, uh, we'll talk about something else, please?" "You love talking about your ma." "Hey!" "Subject closed, all right?" "Aw, forget it." "Maybe there aren't so many "Ma lovers" out in the woods." "I knew this day would come." "Clavin whacked his mother." "Come on, Carla." "He said she was "out in the car."" "Yeah, and soon she'll be out in the woods." "Yeah, well, maybe she's getting her own place, you know?" "Yeah, she's probably getting a lot of places." "Especially after the bears dig her up." "Oh, knock it off, Carla." "Cliff didn't kill anybody." "Why not?" "What do we really know about him?" "We know he is weird." "He's weird, but he's not that weird." "Look, to kill his mother, he'd have to be some kind of slobbering, degenerate dual-personality psychopath." "Anybody got a problem with that?" "I can't believe I'm hearing this!" "If you really think Cliff is capable of murdering his mother, why do you remain his friends?" "He's my ride." "Well, here we are." "Oh, Ma!" "Look at this!" "Even better than the picture in the brochure." "Yes, I expect I'll be perfectly delighted once I stop weeping and feeling carsick." "Aw, come on, Ma, the ride wasn't that bad." "You drive too fast." "All young people do." "I've often said," ""A lot of needless accidents could be avoided if they'd just raise the legal driving age to 50."" "Well, I was just in a hurry to get you to this beautiful retirement community." "I'll say." "Talk about luxury, huh?" "Oh!" "That bed, that's, that's practically king-sized." "King Richard III, wasn't he the dwarf?" "Oh, what do we got here?" "Whoa, look at this, Ma!" "You've got a beautiful view of the woods here." "Boy, oh, boy- you know, when I see a place like this, I..." "I almost wish I was retired." "Clifford, are you sure we can afford a place like this?" "Oh, yeah, but don't worry, your insurance policies will cover it." "Oh, that's convenient." "You'll have money left for hooch and slatterns." "Oh, come on, Ma." "You know I'm just doing what's best for you." "(groans):" "Come on, Ma." "We've both got to be strong about this." "I suppose you're right." "Well, you're darned tootin', I'm right." "I mean, you're gonna have a lot of fun here, Ma." "The brochure says the day's crammed with activities." "You'll play bingo to your heart's content." "You'll make new friends." "These are your golden years." "Oh, bless your heart." "You've given me what every mother dreams of... a tastefully furnished room in which to die among strangers." "Ma, come on." "We're, we're gonna be strong, remember?" "Now, is there anything you need?" "Well... you could keep my garden up." "I think there are a couple of bags left of that steer manure you gave me last Mothers' Day." "Okay." "I'll go do that now." "Bye-bye." "(crying)" "Ma, will you stop that?" "All right, good-bye." "(sobbing)" "Ma!" "What?" "I'm just standing here." "You're making those noises." "I don't hear any noises." "It must be your guilty conscience." "You run along." "I expect they'll be here any minute to prep me for my lobotomy." "Ma, you're not going to make me feel guilty." "Now, I'm gonna leave, and I'll see you next visitors' day." "Bring cigarettes." "They're money in these places, you know." "Presto." "Wow, that's a nifty gismo for cracking locks, Carla." "Where'd you get it?" "My kid made it in Shop for Mothers' Day." "I don't feel right, breaking into Cliff's place like this." "Yeah, well, we've got to do it now while he's out driving." "It's the only way we're gonna find out what happened to his mother." "Yeah, besides, it's kind of exciting, isn't it?" "You know, I always used to dream of being a sophisticated, international jewel thief, leaping catlike from balcony to balcony." "We've got to see if we can find any trace of that poor woman." "Look at this place, give me the creeps." "Look, Paul, go see what's in there, okay?" "Oh, it's just a head." "(gasps):" "Oh!" "NORM:" "Oh, relax." "It's another word for "bathroom."" "It's an old navy term." "You were in the navy?" "Mess cook, that dream came true." "Well, go snoop around in there." "See if you can find any intimate, feminine stuff." "Aye-aye." "There's a jar of bubble bath." "Oh, no, that's Cliff's." "Uh, he uses it because he thinks it keeps dogs from biting him on his route." "Biting him on his what?" "When he's out delivering mail, doofus." "Is there anything else in there?" "Uh, just guy stuff:" "Soap, toothpaste, uh, aftershave." "You know what's weird about this?" "This closet has all Cliff's stuff, but not even a trace of any of Ma Clavin's stuff." "Yeah, well what about this skirt?" "Oh, no, that's Cliff's." "It's, uh, it's a kilt." "He wore it to the Postman's Ball, remember?" ""A Night in Glasgow" was the theme." "This is fiendish." "It's like he's just eliminated all traces of her." "It's as though she never existed." "You're right, it is beginning to get suspicious." "Hey, wait a minute." "What's this?" "Oh, no-no-no, that's the mail." "Come on, that's private." "Right, like Cliff's never read anyone else's mail." ""Dear Mister Clavin," ""I am forwarding you all your mother's insurance policies under separate cover."" "This is the smoking gun." "Let's get out of here." "Too late, he's coming up the stairs." "(hushed):" "Get in the closet." "Yeah, yeah." "Go on, get in the closet." "There's not enough room in here!" "NORM:" "Well, everybody take a deep breath." "(all inhaling)" "Well, I hope you're satisfied, Clavin." "You've done it now- the dirty deed." "There's no going back." "So long." "Arrivederci." "Sayonara." "Yachsomache." "Oh, who am I kidding?" "I can't just pretend and go on like nothing's happened." "Oh, I've got to talk to somebody." "Somebody who will understand me." "Somebody who won't condemn me." "Ma, I'm going down to Cheers!" "Get me..." "(all exhaling)" "Well, it sounds pretty bad for Ma Clavin." "Let's get out of here." "Wait, wait, wait." "No one is going anywhere until I find out who had their hands on my butt." "Oh, that was me." "I thought you had gum." "How do I look?" "Wow!" "You're dressed a little fancy, aren't you, to go over to some guy's house and listen to some music?" "First of all, it is not a house." "It is a stately mansion." "And secondly, it is not "some guy."" "It is Mr. Gaines, the man I adore." ""Adore?"" "Come on, what are you doing..." "You don't even know the guy's first name, do you?" "It's Mister." "And if I play my cards right tonight," "I might just become Mrs. Mr. Gaines." "Just think of it, Sam." "Starting tonight I am no longer the old Rebecca Howe." "I am the new Rebecca Howe." "This is going to be the start..." "BOTH:" "Of a whole new life for me." "Have I said that before?" "Only about a thousand times." "BOTH:" "Well, this time it's different." "Wow." "Wow." "Honey, you're doing it again." "You're going completely overboard." "You do this time and time again." "And I just, I don't want to see you get hurt." "You're right." "I'm rushing into things again, aren't I?" "Yeah." "Listen, listen, it-it's just a simple date, right?" "You're going over to a guy's house and you listen to a little music." "That's right, I'm just listening to a little music." "Yeah." "And I do like some classical music." "I, I... maybe they'll play Wagner." "I like Wagner." "What's that catchy little tune that he has that I like?" "Oh, I know." "(hums "Wedding March")" "You're doing it..." "Sam, you busy?" "Who is it?" "It's Cliff." "Then, yeah." "Thanks, Sam." "Hey, I, uh, I'm really upset about something." "I, just need your advice, pal." "Cliff, Cliff." "They, they make fun of you because they love you, okay?" "Uh, thanks, Sam, but, uh, uh... that's not really why I came in here." "Oh." "Then, why?" "Well, Sam, I want to talk about Ma." "We've been fighting a lot lately, and, uh, we've decided" "(voice breaking):" "That she should go live in a retirement community." "(sobbing):" "And, aw, Sammy, I'm the worst son in the world!" "Oh, man, hey, uh, listen, all-all, all families..." "Do me a favor, do you want to sit on the desk?" "All right." "Uh, all-all families go through this, Cliffie." "Uh, you know, I think you're doing the right thing." "Uh, uh, you know, you know," "I'll bet she's going to be real happy, right?" "I mean, you picked a nice place." "Oh, yeah." "A real nice place." "Famous, too." "It was profiled on 60 Minutes." "You know, a couple weeks later, they went back and did a follow-up even." "There you go, Cliff." "Yeah." "Yeah, I guess you're right, Sam." "I still feel a little bit guilty, though." "Yeah, well, uh, you know, there's no need for that." "I think you're doing the right thing, pal." "Hey, thanks, Sam." "Listen, I'd appreciate it if you didn't spread it around, you know, this little talk we had here." "I only told you because we're best friends." "Well, fair enough." "You know, but maybe we shouldn't spread that around, either." "I'm with you, Sam." "All right." "I'll, uh, be back in a while there, Woody." "Just remembered a job I have to take care of at home." "All right, Mr. Clavin." "Hey, Cliff... (all gasping)" "Oh, it's, uh, nice to see you guys, too." "Yeah." "So, uh, where, where've you been?" "Oh, here, there..." "everywhere, you know." "Yeah, we didn't hear anything." "Oh, yeah, save a beer for me, will you?" "Hey, where's he going?" "Well, he said he had a job to take care of at home." "Yeah- a little digging in the backyard, maybe." "Getting rid of the murder weapon." "Come on, Carla." "I can't believe you people are still pursuing that paranoid fantasy about Cliff." "It's no fantasy, Frasier." "And isn't it interesting that you're the one who keeps defending him?" "Well, I'm not defending him." "I'm merely saying..." "Where is Lilith these days, anyhow?" "Has anyone here heard from Lilith lately?" "Oh, come on, Carla, lay off." "And what about Vera, Norm?" "Where is Vera?" "Carla..." "And has anyone ever seen Paul's alleged ex?" "You're all sick." "It's an evil conspiracy." "A bunch of frustrated men who slaughter women and then chop up their bodies in the dead of night!" "Oh, man!" "I'd better have a date pretty soon or I'm gonna start turning weird." "(piano playing gentle, classical melody)" "(singing in Italian)" "Why, Miss Howe" "I was just beginning to worry about you." "Oh, please, call me Rebecca." "What a lovely home you have." "So many possibilities." "Why, thank you." "You should enjoy yourself this evening." "We're having an all-Mahler program." "Oh, wonderful." "Yes." "I've hired a very gifted German baritone." "He'll be performing Mahler's "Kindertotenleider,"" "songs on the death of children." "Well, if we don't have fun tonight, we never will." "Yes, and you should be able to hear adequately from your station, where you'll be performing your duties." "My station?" "Yes." "You'll be tending bar just through that door." "You know, we didn't have a chance to discuss your wages." "Now I want to be fair." "My station?" "My duties?" "Uh, Hives, here, has your apron." "Hives?" "He'll explain your duties." "I'll start off with a white wine." "My station?" "My duties?" "My apron?" "Fancy dress." "Hives, I-I think there's been a terrible mistake here." "You see, I-I think I was supposed to be" "Mister Gaines' date for this evening." "Really!" "Oh, they'll love that in the kitchen." "Thank you." "You're very kind." "(sobbing)" "Oh, honey, I'm sorry to hear that." "I-I'll be over as soon as I can." "Who was that?" "Aw, it's Rebecca." "She's all upset." "Your father-in-law invited her over to his place to, uh, listen to a musicale tonight." "She thought she was supposed to be his date... got all dressed up in a fancy dress." "Turns out she's only there to tend bar." "How could she make that mistake?" "Oh, come on, Woody." "Put yourself in her position." "You know, attractive guy asks you over to his place to listen to some music, wants you to wear a fancy dress... you'd go, wouldn't you?" "Oh, no!" "No." "My high school drama teacher tried that one on me." "Once bitten, twice shy, my friend." "Maybe I'm misreading this." "Maybe this really is a date." "No, it isn't!" "Two red wines." "And do try to pour them evenly this time." "(imitating):" "Do try to pour them evenly." "(dogs snarling and barking)" "Oh sweetheart, sweetheart." "Oh, I came as soon as you called, honey." "(sobbing) Oh, baby." "I don't blame you for being disappointed." "I'm not disappointed!" "Well..." "I'm humiliated." "I thought- this is what really hurts me..." "I thought he really liked me." "Oh, Sam, you need to... you need to... you need to stand in for me tonight please." "I'm too embarrassed." "I can't go out there again." "I know." "I know." "All right, I tell you what, uh, let me just..." "collect some empties." "Here we go." "I'll take over as soon as I get back." "All right?" "Thank you." "You're kidding, Sam." "Miss Howe thought this was to be a date?" "Yes, sir." "And, uh, to tell you the truth, sir," "I heard what you said and I..." "and I thought the same thing." "You did?" "My Lord." "Although- and I don't mean this in any way personally you'll have to admit you are far from the brightest person in the world." "True." "That's-that's-that's very true, sir." "Um, you know, Rebecca's been looking forward to this evening the whole week." "And, between you and me, sir, she finds you very attractive and I think she thought the feeling was mutual." "Miss Howe is attracted to me?" "I had no idea." "You see, son, I am not exactly what you'd call a ladies' man." "Well, if you don't mind, sir, uh... have you ever considered that it might be your hair?" "Sam, why don't you go in the bar and relieve Rebecca." "Send her out here, and I'll, uh, try to make it up to her by having her as my guest." "Oh, thank you, sir." "That's..." "I think that's the right thing to do." "We'll talk later..." "Yes." "Okay." "Everybody stand up straight." "Wh-what are you doing?" "Well, I'm taking some of the wine out of these bottles so that when I pour them in the glasses they'll be even." "How much have you had to drink?" "In my life or tonight?" "Tonight." "Well, that's hard to say, because I've been drinking." "Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy." "Oh, boy, oh, boy what?" "Mister Gaines just realized his mistake and he wants, he wants you to be his date for the rest of the evening." "He does?" "Oh, he loves me again!" "Oh, my ship has come in." "Not yet." "Not yet it hasn't." "We-we're gonna have to sober you up, sweetheart." "Okay, then give me a Tic Tac." "No, no, we're, uh, we're way beyond Tic Tacs." "Oh, we are?" "Yeah." "Okay." "Oh, God!" "Oh, no." "Oh, you know what?" "You're gonna have to help me here because I can't let Mister Gaines see me like this because he's gonna think I'm drunk." "Yeah." "Uh..." "Now you have been drunk before." "So what did you used to do when you used to try and get sober?" "Well, I had, uh..." "yeah, actually I did." "I had this little trick and it- it kind of hurts, but it works." "Okay." "What is it?" "Honey, uh, I te..." "I've got to get some coffee in you." "I'll be right there." "Well, Norm?" "Well, nothing." "I just keep getting Cliff's answering machine." "No word of his ma or any forwarding address or anything." "Well, that's weird." "You know what's weirder is-is the outgoing message." "You know for years how it was Cliff and his ma singing "Come On'a My House?"" "Well, now it's just Cliff." "And I gotta tell you, I miss that harmony." "Come on, you guys... you can't really believe that Cliff killed his mother." "Hey, everybody." "What's in the, uh, sacks, Cliff?" "Oh, just some old things of Ma's, getting rid of them." "I just can't stand to have them around the house anymore." "Cliff, uh, you've been acting, oh, a little strange lately." "Is there- is there anything on your mind that you'd like to, uh, just..." "Say is that- is that dirt underneath your nails?" "Yeah." "I've been spending a lot of time in the garden lately." "Can't get my hands clean." "I-I wash them and wash them." "Yes, but, uh, Cliff, is-is there a-anything on-on your mind y-you'd like to talk to me about?" "I don't want to talk, Doc." "Uh, I want to watch television." "See if there's anything on the news." "Dare you to look inside." "Dare you." "Somebody's got to look." "Not me." "I've seen enough body parts to choke a horse." "Literally, in one case." "(piano playing classical music)" "Ah, Miss Howe." "I'm sorry for the misunderstanding." "No misunderstanding taken." "Uh, everyone, may I have your attention please?" "(music stops)" "I'd like to introduce my date for this evening," "Miss Rebecca Howe." "Hello." "Good evening." "Thank you for dropping by." "GAINES:" "You're looking very lovely this evening, Rebecca." "And so are you, Mister." "Well, shall we begin our Kindergarten Teeter Tooter?" "Delightful." "(piano playing classical music)" "(baritone begins singing)" "(humming along off-key)" "(humming along off-key)" "Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh." "(mouths):" "I'm sorry." "(singing along in foreign language)" "(music stops)" "Look, look, I'm sorry." "I cannot concentrate!" "I can't either!" "Now, listen, let me just tell you people one thing." "Raymond Burr came a long way to entertain us." "And I think out of courtesy to him, we should keep our mouths shut!" "Miss Howe, you are obviously inebriated." "Now, you're embarrassing yourself, you're embarrassing me." "I'm going to have to ask you to leave." "(whispers):" "Oh, no, no, no." "Please, don't do that." "This means so much to me." "Please, I don't know, I've heard this a million times, and I don't know, it's just so catchy." "I never noticed before." "Please, please, just-just let me stay." "I-I promise, if you let me stay, I won't sing one more note." "Very well." "(piano playing classical music)" "(man singing opera in foreign language)" "(man hits high note)" "(sings off-key high note)" "I'll tell you Carla, Rebecca's doing great." "Yeah, I was a little worried, too." "But you know, she's fitting right in." "You know, I-I would not be surprised if you heard wedding bells." "Do me a favour, will you?" "Uh, you got to cover me for a while at the bar, you know." "No, no-no, there's-there's no way you could, you could drag Rebecca out of here." "(clattering)" "Oh, hey, fellas." "Hold on a second." "How you doing?" "(dogs barking outside)" "The-the whole point is that..." "See, uh, the whole..." "Hold-hold on." "I..." "The dogs are making a racket here." "You know, boy, they're really chasing someone out there." "You know, from here, from here, it almost looks like..." "Oh." "Oh, my God." "REPORTER:" "...witness news, including the latest sports and weather right after this." "Cliff, listen, just one more time." "Are you sure there's not something you'd like to get off your chest?" "Oh, all right, Doc." "I might as well tell you." "Yeah." "I sent Ma off to a retirement community." "A retirement community." "CLIFF:" "Yeah, yeah." "One hell of a son, huh?" "Boy, I don't know why I did it." "You know..." "I think I'm gonna go down there today and bring her back home." "I mean, that's if she'll have me." "Good for you, Cliff." "Retirement home- I, I knew it." "And you guys thought he killed his mother!" "(laughs)" "Thought what?" "Nothing." "What?" "Ah!" "Well, I guess we ought to tell him." "Yeah." "Uh, Cliffie, uh, you're gonna get a kick out of this, actually." "(Paul, Carla, Norm laughing)" "See, what we thought was that..." "Oh, hell, what's the best way to put this, guys?" "We thought you killed your mom and cut her up in little pieces." "Beer?" "Boy, this is terrific." "And you're supposed to be my friends." "How could you think of something like that?" "Come on, Cliff." "Yeah, we're sorry, Mr. Clavin." "Ah, no, I mean, that's a real rotten thing!" "Oh, Cliff, in the bottom of our hearts, none of us really thought you actually killed your mother." "No!" "Golly!" "(all chuckling)" "NORM:" "Come on, I mean, you know, how could we think that?" "You're our buddy." "Yeah." "Come on, we love you, Cliffie, huh?" "Huh?" "(all chuckling)" "REPORTER:" "This just in." "Gardeners have just discovered human remains in the middle of Lexington Common." "Get him!" "(all grunting)" "Authorities believe the remains may be those of a minute-man who fought in the Revolutionary War." "Ah!" "Hey, Cliffie." "(all chuckling) Come on." "That's just a sample of how much we love you, Cliffie." "Uh, excuse me." "My name's Clavin, and I, uh, brought my mother in here earlier today." "And now you're having pangs of remorse." "(chuckles):" "Yeah." "How'd you know?" "It's a common reaction." "It's quite normal." "Yeah, yeah." "Well, uh, I-I guess I'll be, uh, taking my ma home now." "I'm sorry to hear that." "I-I just went over to her, uh, room there, and-and she wasn't around so..." "She's in the Starlight Lounge." "There's a dance tonight." "(waltz music playing faintly)" "(waltz music playing)" "Wow!" "I don't remember the last time I saw Ma dancing." "People often seem to come out of their shells here." "Hey, look at that." "Guy just cut in on her." "That silver-haired fox." "(chuckles):" "Yes." "I was watching your mother in the hot tub earlier." "She seemed to be quite popular with the gentlemen." "You, uh, you have a hot tub?" "Oh, yes." "Our residents find it quite invigorating." "After the softball tournament." "Softball tournament." "In fact, this afternoon, your mother was chosen most valuable player." "She went four for four at bat." "But I think it was the hook slide into third that really won their hearts." "My mother's never played softball in her life." "(music stops, applause) Maybe she never had the chance." "(tango music playing)" "Oh." "(chuckles):" "Come here, come here." "Look at this, look at this." "She's doing a tango." "She's got a rose in her teeth and everything." "(laughs)" "I just hope she doesn't fall off that table." "Ah, it's okay." "She got eight guys waiting there to catch her if she does." "(laughs)" "Oh, boy, I've never seen her so happy." "I, uh... (chuckles)" "Got to say, I-I feel kind of foolish." "Don't." "You just wanted what was best for your mother." "Yeah." "Well, I always thought that her world revolved around her son, you know, that she couldn't, uh, ever get along without me, so..." "Perhaps that's what you wanted to think." "Yeah." "Now I can see she's happier than she's ever been." "(chuckles)" "Say, uh, I'd appreciate it if you didn't mention that I was here." "I understand." "I guess I won't be taking her home after all." "I thought not." "Yeah." "Yeah, I'm just gonna go have another peek." "Oh, and-and, Mr. Clavin, while you're here, your mother's insurance doesn't entirely cover her expenses." "(chuckles)" "I assume that, uh, you'll want to take care of the remainder?" "Yeah, yeah, sure thing." "Just send me the bill." "Well, here's what it comes to for the first year." "Honestly, the cost of running this place just keeps going up and up." "Well, you can't put a price on a mother's happiness." "(chuckles)" "(screaming):" "Oh, Clifford!" "Put me down!" "What are you doing?" "!" "I'm getting you out of this hell hole, Ma!" "Here you go." "Thank you, Sam." "Feeling better?" "(sighs)" "I have never been so humiliated in my life." "I can't believe I did that." "Do you know what I am?" "I'm a phony." "I'm a great big phony." "Pretending like I liked Mahler just so some rich guy would ask me out." "I don't even know his first name." "WOODY:" "Gustav." "Gustav Mahler." "(sighs)" "Do you know that I don't really even like Mr. Gaines?" "And yet I allowed myself to just fall all over him just because he's rich." "As God as my witness, Sam," "I am never, ever going af-after another rich man as long as I live." "Well, as far as I can see, Normie, we're-we're sitting pretty." "I mean, I don't, I don't foresee any problems unless... well, unless of course there's a second wave of Martians." "Then, uh, then, my friend, I think we've got some pretty serious defence problems." "But, oh, uh, heck, I'll go into that some other time." "(yawning):" "Want a refill, Norm?" "Norm." "Hey, Norm." "Oh." "There you are, Miss Howe." "Uh, Mr. Gaines," "I have to apologize." "No, don't say a thing." "I admit, I was upset by what happened earlier this evening." "But after I cooled down, I realized it was all my fault." "I was unclear about my intentions." "Now I'd like to make it up to you." "I thought we could have dinner sometime, together, just the two of us." "Just you and me?" "Yes." "I'd be delighted to have dinner with such an attractive woman." "Sorry, Mr. Gaines." "Um, I'm very flattered, but I have to tell you that the only reason I would have dinner with you is because you're so rich." "And that wouldn't be fair to you, and it wouldn't be fair to me." "I see." "Very well, Miss Howe." "Good-bye." "Good-bye." "Well, Rebecca, I must say I'm impressed." "This could be a big turning point in your life." "At last, your actions fit your words." "Yeah, I'm with Frasier." "I'm really proud of you, sweetheart." "Thank you, I appreciate it." "Sam, can you come here and do me a favour?" "Sure, hon." "What?" "Can you stop me from going after him?" "I'm having a hard time stopping myself." "(chuckles)" "Whoa." "And you're gonna need Cliff and Norm." "SAM:" "Uh, Norm, Norm?" "Fras, you want to help me here?" "Mister." "Mister!" "I'm coming, Mister!" "Mister!" "Mister!"