"Previously on Desperate Housewives:" "Why don't I marry you?" "I've got a fantastic health plan." "You'd be covered instantly." "Susan got an offer she couldn't afford to refuse." "You've had too much to drink." "Give me your keys." "Bree rejected a helping hand." "I want to have a baby with you." "Gabby gave Carlos the answer he'd been waiting for." "You're my second AB-negative." " Oh, who was it?" " That guy." "And Zach began to put A and B together." "Susan Mayer had always believed the punishment should fit the crime." "She first came to this conclusion when she discovered her husband Karl had been unfaithful." "Since Karl had destroyed the love she had given him Susan felt it was only appropriate she destroy the things he loved in return," "one by one." "But now, three years after their divorce," "Susan was reunited with Karl once again..." "Susan, are you listening to me?" "...as partners in a crime of their own." "This is insurance fraud." "We could go to jail." "We can't tell anyone we're getting married." "I know." "I was listening to you." "Now, the prenup's all set." "You can sign it at the courthouse." " 11:30 Wednesday morning." " Your surgery is still on Thursday?" " Yep." " Good." "The insurance kicks in the minute we say, "I do."" " You're set to go." " I know no one's asking me, but I think this whole thing is a tragic mistake." "I just don't have it in me to survive another ugly divorce." "Don't worry." "It is strictly a business arrangement." "If I see so much as one lingering gaze between the two of you," "I swear I'll go to the insurance company and turn you in." "So we shouldn't expect a wedding gift, huh?" "Grab me your wedding ring." "I wanna get it cleaned before the ceremony." "Is that really necessary?" "I mean, do we have to do the whole ring thing?" "It's got to look believable." "Yeah, OK, well, I'll just grab something out of my jewellery box." "Susan, that ring was my grandmother's." "One day, it's gonna be Julie's." "Where is it?" "I don't know... exactly." "That was a family heirloom." "I trusted you with it." "I trusted you not to cheat and break my heart." "Oh, my God." "Oh, my God." "What... what did you do with it?" "I threw it out my car window somewhere on Route Seven." "What?" "When?" "The night you abandoned me." " Suze!" " Karl, you are so not allowed to get angry." "I might have been the one to throw away the ring, but you threw away the marriage!" "There was plenty of bad behaviour that went on back then, so just get off your high horse." "We're on the same page now, so we should just focus on that." "Yes, Susan Mayer believed the punishment should fit the crime." "Karl, I think there might be snakes in here." "We're not leaving until you find that ring." "But for that matter, so did Karl." "It was a tradition at Leonardo's Bar and Grill, an hour before closing time, a waiter would sing a selection of ridiculously depressing Italian arias." "It was also a tradition that the only customers who would actually listen were the ones already depressed to begin with." "Tony, do you have to rush off?" "I thought maybe we could just chat for a minute?" "So I haven't seen you in a while." "Well, I didn't wanna come here, because I was afraid it would drudge up memories of my husband." "This was our place." "Rex passed away recently." "He was murdered by our pharmacist." "Wow." "I hope you changed pharmacists." "I didn't have to." "He committed suicide." "You've had a little too much wine tonight." "How about I call you a cab?" "Oh, no, no, no, I'm OK." "Your car would be safe in our lot, and you can pick it up tomorrow." "Please." "Well, OK." "Tony how many more arias is he gonna sing?" "Five." "Well, in that case, why don't you bring me another bottle of the Pinot Grigio?" "And please hurry." "Bree?" "Bree?" "You OK?" "Yes?" "Hi, did you know your mother is asleep on the lawn?" "Oh, wow." "Yeah, well, you don't seem terribly shocked." "Oh, it's... it's just," "Mom drinks, and sometimes she sleeps it off in the weirdest places." "Can I help you with her?" "No." "No, that's OK." "I..." "I know how to take care of her." "Well, good luck to you then." " I can play Chopsticks." " Me too." "I'm coming!" " Hi." " Hi." "Your kids, they have any allergies I should know about?" "Not that I know of." "Why?" "Because I'm watching 'em." "Tom called, said you both got pulled in to work for the weekend," " asked me to baby-sit." " Really?" "It'd be nice if I gave 'em back to you alive." "Hey, Mrs McCluskey." "Sorry, I forgot to tell you." "Oh, that's OK." "Would you excuse me just for a second?" "I have a thing." " Sure." " Thanks." "Follow me." "You're part of the thing." "A million teenagers in this neighbourhood, you hire McCluskey?" "What's the big deal?" "Well, for starters, she's ancient." "This is a thin door." "Not long ago, she keeled over in her yard." "A day with our kids'll finish the job." "It's only for a few hours." "Parker's on a playdate." "It's just the twins and Penny." "Just the twins and Penny?" "OK, that was stupid." "Let me try it another way." "We have to be at work in one hour." "There's no day-care on the weekends, so you cut McCluskey loose, we're stuck." "We will find someone." "Someone who doesn't remember what they were doing the day Lincoln was shot." "Fine." "Let's go break the news." "My wife has something to tell you." "So here's the deal." "There was a little miscommunication, and as it turns out, we don't need you." "OK, fine." "I'll just go back home." "OK." "Sorry." "By the way, your husband was right." "It's a thin door." "Carlos, what are you doing?" "Hello, Gabriella." "Hi..." "Mom." "I just told Carlos I just had to take a shower." "The man next to me on the plane weighed 300 pounds, and he sweated all over me." "It was so gross." "No, I'm just surprised you're here." "It's Valentine's Day." "Don't you and Mr Hedge Fund have plans?" "I know Carlos and I do." "Well, I left Charles." "What?" "He was worth, like, $6 million." "Money is not everything." "For some people." "We're talking about you, Mother." "I can't believe this." "I mean, I just went through a terrible break-up." "And the least you could do is pretend to care." "Well, of course, we feel awful about it, don't we," "Gabrielle?" "Yeah, we're just sick about it." "Don't worry about me." "I'll be OK." "In fact, I bought myself a little gift to take my mind off my problems." "Really?" "What did you buy?" "New boobs!" " Whoa!" " No peeking, Carlos." "Mom, put these away!" "My plastic surgeon gave me a great deal." "Aren't they fun?" "Bye, Carlos." "What?" "I think she's charming." "OK, you can think she's charming, but don't forget for one second that she is a monster." "Did you get the gum out?" "Mostly." "Morning!" "Hi." "Happy Valentine's Day." "Did you spend the night?" "Well, I got kind of tired after the movie, so I asked..." "It's OK." "She knows that you make house calls." "I got surgery till 6:00." "I'll get dressed, and I'll pick you up at 7:00." " We have reservations at Chez Naomi." " Great." "I'll have a light lunch." "Also, Dr Cunningham's schedule opened up, so we can move up your surgery to Wednesday." "Oh, I have a wedding that day." "On a Wednesday?" "Yeah, Wednesdays are becoming very popular with brides." "It's like the new Saturday." "OK." "Well I'll see you tonight." "Bye." "Your mother is a rotten, sneaky person." "Look, I'm not too crazy about this whole fake marriage thing, but if you don't have that operation, you could die." "So don't be so hard on yourself." "You are a good person." "Thanks, hon." "That really helps." "OK." "Now I want you to go over and slip this ring to your father." "And just so you know, if Edie catches you, I'm expecting you to swallow it." "How's the hangover?" "I do not have a hangover, Andrew, because I was not drunk." "Then... how about a little hair of the dog?" "Perk you right up." "Look, for the record," "I had an allergic reaction to my antihistamine medication, so I would appreciate just a little bit of sympathy." "Why can't you just drink alone in your room like Tammy's mom?" "For God sakes, it was an honest mistake!" "I thought I could have just a bit of wine with dinner, but apparently, my body couldn't handle it." "Fine." "If it makes everybody happy," "I will just suffer through my sneezing fits and my hives on my own." "There, is that better?" "So basically, you would rather drink than to not have allergies?" "Hi, is now a bad time?" "I could really use a favour." "She was beautiful, wasn't she?" "Yeah." "Sit down." "Your breakfast is getting cold." "Was my real mother beautiful?" "Well, she was... attractive, as I recall." "Do I look like her?" "I... don't know." "I only met her once." "Because if I don't look like her, then I might look like my real dad." "I'm getting real tired of your morbid fascination with two strangers who didn't love you enough to keep you." "So please, stop asking about them." "It's only natural that I'd want to talk about my birth parents." "Well, it may be natural, but it certainly isn't polite." "And once your daughter was dead, they had to get rid of her somehow." "That's where the toy chest came in." "Flash forward 15 years, and the chest washes up on the shore of Rockwater Lake." "Any forensic evidence is long gone, and the Youngs get away with murder." "Now, of course, the wife, Mary Alice, is already dead." "But Paul Young's a different matter." "If you'd like me to deal with him, just say the word." "Delfino's bringing my grandson here." "I want to get the kid something." "You know anything about those MP3 things?" "Yeah, they're real nice." "I'd go with that." "He's probably got one already." "Paul Young has had 16 years to get my grandkid anything he wants." "Do me a favour, will ya?" "Yeah?" "See to it that Paul Young has a toy chest of his very own." " Karl?" " Yeah?" "This place is a freaking pigsty." "Would you get down here and help me?" "Hold on, it's almost halftime." "By the way, I made dinner reservations at Chez Naomi tonight, if that's OK." "It's gotta be better than that rat hole you took me to on New Year's." "And don't even think of getting me carnations again." "That crap might've flown for Mayer." "I actually have taste." "Come on, move it!" "All right, I'm coming." "No." "Sit and watch your game." "I was just giving you a hard time." "You've had a tough week." "Boys, can you just keep it down just a little bit because I have a very..." "special type of grown-up headache." "We need to see Mommy and Daddy." "We wanna play 'em our song." "You can't." "They're at work." "Well, can we play it for you?" "Sure." "Just... just a moment, OK?" "All right, boys, let's have it." "When I heard that you two wanted to try for another child, I was delighted." "But I had some cause for concern." "Gabrielle, you suffered some extensive injuries during your fall last month, and the tests confirm there are complications." "You can't have kids?" "Well, the doctor's not 100 percent positive, but it's very, very iffy." "Carlos, I am so sorry." "I know how much you wanted to be a dad." "Thanks." "Oh, don't be so suicidal." "We can always adopt." "I wanted to have a child of our own." "What does it matter whose DNA it is?" "The diapers are gonna smell the same." "I'd just prefer not to adopt, OK?" "Fine." "What about surrogacy?" "I mean, I know it's pricey, but at least the baby would look like us, and I wouldn't get stretch marks." "It's a win-win." "Great." "Then we have some stranger off the street giving birth to our child." "Is that what you want?" "What I want is for you to lighten up." "We don't have a lot of options." "I..." "I have a thought." "Well, it is a little bit controversial, but, go with me." "Well, first of all, let me tell you, that I am in the best shape of my life." " So?" " So what if I was your surrogate?" "Yeah, it might sound a little crazy, but I am the only one in the world that you can trust who will put the baby's needs first." "You know, I'll exercise more, I'll eat better..." "Mother, no." "Why?" "Off the top of my head, you're on Medicare." "I..." "I am only 51." "And there's this woman in England, last year she was 63 years old, and she gave birth to her own grandchild." "I don't care if she shot triplets out of her ass." "It's not gonna happen." "Can you believe this?" "How'd that England baby turn out?" "It didn't have a big head, did it?" "Carlos, you are not seriously considering this." "This way the surrogate wouldn't be some impersonal incubator." "There'd be a family tie." "I have a migraine." "I'm gonna go lay down upstairs." "When I get up, I hope we can all talk about this like rational human beings." "Carlitos, don't worry." "Just give her time." "She'll come around." "Boys?" "Boys?" "OK, we're done playing hide-and-seek." "Boys!" "Porter!" "Preston!" "This isn't funny!" "Mrs McCluskey, hi." "Have you seen the Scavo boys?" "Well, can't say that I have." "Why?" "I have something to tell them." "Have they signed the contract?" "Somebody should tell 'em to adjust the language." " I'll handle it." " Oh, I'm sorry, hang on." "Hello." " Lynette Scavo?" " Yes." "I believe I have something that belongs to you." "Hi, excuse me." "Hi, you called, you said my kids are here?" "Hi, Mommy!" " Oh, my God!" " Dad!" "Boys, what were you thinking, taking off like that?" " We were worried about you!" " Get your stuff." " Thank you, thank you so much." " Stay right here." "I'm just glad I found them and not some weirdo freak." "Oh, yes." "Oh, yeah, me too, thank you." "Because there're all sorts of crazy people out there." "Drunks, perverts, molesters." " Yes, yeah." "No, I know." " No." "You got really lucky." "I mean, a different person might have called the cops or Child Welfare." "Well, OK, I know how this looks, but I have to tell you, I left them with a very reliable baby-sitter." "Oh, yeah, you picked a real winner." "Are you judging me?" " If you are, you couldn't say..." " Lynette!" " What?" " Let it go." "The kids walked for three miles." "We don't have a leg to stand on." "Well, thank you so much." "Here we go." "OK." "Hey, I don't know about you, but I am tired of all the tension around here." "So I was thinking we could go shopping, have some fun." "Then maybe later we can talk about the surrogacy, see if we can make it work." "Oh, Gabriella." "Oh, you'll see." "This is the best thing for the entire family." "So where's the boutique?" "Oh, it's in the hotel lobby." " So go ahead, I'm right behind you." " OK." "What are you doing?" "I'm going home." "What?" "I thought we were gonna talk about how the surrogacy will work." "Here's how it's gonna work:" "Check yourself into the hotel, then tomorrow you're gonna plant your child-bearing hips on a plane, and you're gonna leave our lives forever." "I'm pulling out." "Watch your boobs." "Come on out." "Oh, thank God!" "I'm so sorry." "I don't know what happened." "I was in the kitchen cleaning up, and I looked in the living room, and they were gone!" "We tried to tell her we were going, but she was asleep." "You were sleeping?" " I most certainly was not." " Yes, you were." "OK, all right, that lie just lost you another week of TV and video game privileges." "That's two." "You wanna keep talking and lose more?" "Then apologise to Mrs Van De Kamp." "Sorry." "No... no harm done." "I'm sorry." "I'm so sorry." "If you ask me, it was a pretty crappy thing to do." "Did you slow the car down before pushing her out?" "The only reason you care about my mother is because of that ridiculous suggestion she offered." "Her offer to be our surrogate was generous." "Generous?" "Don't you see the strings attached?" "What strings?" "The reason she offered her dusty womb is because she's screwed." "Her latest sugar daddy gave her the boot, so Mom needs a place and money, so trust me, if she carried our child, we'd be footing the bill for years." "Your hatred is clouding your judgment." "Maybe." "But you don't know her like I do." "OK." "You ran away from home 15 years ago." "Did you ever talk to her about the stuff between you and your stepdad?" "It wouldn't have done any good." "How do you know that?" "Because she knew exactly what was going on with Alejandro." "And she chose to look the other way." "You never even gave her a chance to step up." "Because if I did, then she would..." "Because there is a chance she wouldn't have believed me and..." "And that would have hurt a lot worse than anything he ever did to me." "She's your mother, and she loves you." "I know it's been a very long time, but maybe you can talk to her about it now." "I'm getting her luggage back to her, and that's the best I can do." "What are you doing here?" "There's something I need to talk to you about." "There's nothing for us to talk about." "Shut up and listen." "Deirdre's father, Noah Taylor, somehow found out about Zach, and he wants to meet him." ""Somehow found out"?" "Like maybe you told him?" "Noah is no friend of mine." "But he's very rich and powerful." "And he's terminal, and he wants to meet his grandson before he dies." "Absolutely not." "Well, you'll be surprised, but I agree with you." "Noah destroys everything he touches, and the last thing either of us wants is for this guy to get his hooks into Zach." "What are we supposed to do?" "You and Zach need to vanish." "Just stay out of sight until nature takes its course with Noah." "If we leave, we won't be coming back." "You'll never see your boy again." "I know." "Happy Valentine's Day, my darling." " Isn't that your ex-husband?" " Oh, yeah." "Apparently, they'll let anyone in here." "Hi." "Your chocolate soufflés will be out momentarily." "We didn't order soufflé." "I ordered it when we got here." "It takes an hour to prepare." " I really can't." "I'm stuffed." " No, no, no." "This, you'll want to try." "It's their specialty." "I guess I'll have the soufflé." "Can you excuse me for a second?" "I..." "I just have to powder my nose." "I'm sorry to interrupt." "Your makeup is smudged." "Come with me, I'll fix it." " What?" " Come on, get up." "Sorry." " My makeup is smudged?" " Yes!" "Get in here!" "I have some news that's probably gonna devastate you." "But I wanted to be the first one to tell you." "OK." "Karl is about to pop the question!" "You mean, like, marriage?" "I hope I haven't ruined your Valentine's Day." " Do you want a tissue?" " No, I'm OK." "I..." "I'm just... surprised." "I... well, congratulations." "What makes you think he's gonna propose?" "Well, I..." "I was looking through his briefcase this afternoon, and I found this ring." "And tonight he keeps pushing this "special dessert" on me." "So obviously, he's hidden the ring inside." "A ring?" "What did it look like?" "Oh, I don't know, 18-karat white gold, ten diamonds, engraved accents..." "I just got a quick peek." "Oh, I think I know that ring." "That's his grandmother's ring." "It's a family heirloom." "And you know, he might just be having it cleaned or something." "Except for one thing." "Lying right next to it was a prenup!" "Well, Karl is a lawyer, and it could just be a prenup for another client." "Boy, jealousy is one ugly thing up close." "Oh, no, Edie..." "No, you know what, I'm gonna take the high road, and I'm gonna ignore your nastiness." "If you'll excuse me, I'm going back to my table and getting engaged." "Hi." "Do you see that man over there?" "Dark hair?" "Handsome?" "Slip this to him without anybody noticing." "God, you never stop." "I told you, I'm not divorcing my wife!" "I'm in this for the sex, and if you can't accept it, then go to hell." "What the hell are you doing?" "I thought you said this dessert was special." "When you eat it." "What is wrong with you?" "Well..." "Nothing." " Carlos!" "What a surprise." "Come in." " I thought you could use your bags." "Oh, yes." "Perfect timing." "I just took a shower and needed something to change into." "Leave it here, it's fine." "Thanks." "Do you have a minute?" "I need to talk to you about something." "Yeah, yeah, sure." "Sit down." "Talk as I dress." "I'll leave the door open so I can hear you." "Look, I was..." "I was thinking about your surrogacy idea." "It could be the answer to all of our problems, if you're still interested." "Yes!" "I mean I am." "But I just think that Gabby will never let it happen." "No, no, she can be convinced." "I know it." "Can you please zip me up?" "My zipper, it's stuck." "You did that so fast." "I know someone who works out." "As I was saying," "I think the surrogacy idea could work." "But you and Gabby are gonna have to mend some fences." "After such a long time, what is the point?" "Lucia, please, hear me out." "There was a lot of stuff that Gabby went through when she was younger, a lot of stuff that you don't know about." "I think if you asked her about it, the two of you could finally get past it." "What stuff are you talking about, Carlos?" "Your second husband, Alejandro." "When Gabby was 15, he assaulted her, sexually." "Is that what she told you?" "Look, I know that it comes as a shock for you to be hearing it from me..." "Carlos, please, I am aware they had sex." "But it was Gabriella who seduced him." "Excuse me?" "She was always jealous of me." "You don't know how many times I caught her wearing my shoes, trying on my jewellery." "I'd scream at her to leave my things alone, but no, she wanted whatever I had." "Then one night she set her sights on Alejandro." "Believe me, no one got raped." "Lucia, she was only 15 years old." "You know, a lot of men have left me over the years, and I never knew the reason." "But when Alejandro left, I knew exactly why it happened." "Gabriella made him fall in love with her." "Oh, it took me so many years to forgive her." " You forgave her?" " But of course." "I couldn't have offered to carry her baby unless I had." "Karl!" "Karl!" "Come here." "Why didn't you answer your cell phone?" "I turned it off." "What's going on?" " Where's Edie?" " She's upstairs." "She's been in a pissy mood ever since we left the restaurant." "She found the ring and the prenup." "She thought you were gonna pop the question tonight." " Oh, no." " No, oh, yes." "This fake marriage was OK when nobody was getting hurt." "What are we doing?" "It's a lie!" "I lost Mike over a lie." "I'm doing the same thing to Dr Ron." "And look at Edie." "She was devastated." "I don't think I can go through with this." "How are you gonna pay for your surgery?" "I don't know." "You know, I'II..." "I'll just..." "I'll sell the car." "Susie, this is your health we're talking about." "We're getting married." "No!" "Dr Ron would be the first to say you're doing the right thing." "I'll figure out some way to handle Edie." "How?" "How are you gonna handle Edie?" "That poor woman's dreams exploded in her face tonight!" "It's not like you can just buy her flowers and everything will be better." "Then I'll propose to her." "Well, that's a little extreme." "Not really." "I was probably gonna do it eventually." "Obviously, we're gonna have to get a divorce before I can marry her, but..." "What?" "Nothing." "I just..." "I didn't know that you loved her like that." "She's a great kid." "Total package." "What's the matter, Susie Q?" "Jealous?" "No, of course not." "OK, this is good." "Because you know, if this experience helped you to realise your true feelings, then..." "Then we did something good here." "Yeah." "I think we have." "Come here." "I can't believe you thought I was jealous." "It's not like I still have feelings for you anymore." "You're right." "I was just fooling around." "So how did it go?" "Fine." "I just dropped off the luggage and left." "What was that for?" "No reason." "Hey, I was thinking we should look into adoption." "Seriously?" "But... but I thought you wanted a kid with your own DNA?" "Blood isn't everything." "Hey." "Heard you lost your kids yesterday." "Yeah, it was cleared up." "It was just a little confusion." "Help me out here with something." "What exactly is it you look for in a baby-sitter?" "Excuse me?" "Well, I may be ancient, like you say, but I've never gotten drunk and lost track of three kids." "What?" "I smelled wine on Bree when she was looking for your boys." " That's ridiculous." " Is it?" "Yesterday, I found her passed out on her front lawn, drunk as a skunk." "I've known Bree for years." "There's no way she was drinking while baby-sitting my kids." "So just go spread your poison somewhere else, OK?" "Just thought I'd do a favour and let you know." "OK, well, thanks." "Hi." "You... you recovered from all of yesterday's excitement?" "Oh, truthfully, I haven't been able to get my mind off it." "What a scare, huh?" "Yeah." "Although, I still can't figure out how my boys managed to sneak past you." "Well, you know how boys are at that age." "They're escape artists." "They're like lightning." "It's just Penny." " Penny?" " Well, I mean," "I just don't understand how Porter and Preston manage to wrangle her into the stroller and then make it out your front door without you even noticing." "I guess if you'd fallen asleep it could have happened like that." "You know, I must have been cleaning the kitchen, and I..." "I just didn't hear them because of the noise from the dishwasher." "Look, I apologise in advance for how this is going to sound, but I have to ask." "It's just gonna eat away at me." "Were you drinking while baby-sitting my kids?" "No!" "You know, I may have had just the tiniest little bit of chardonnay." "Oh, gosh, you got drunk, and you passed out." "If I closed my eyes even for a moment, it's because of these antihistamines I've been taking." "Really?" "Is that why you passed out on your front lawn yesterday morning?" "Now that you're speaking to me in a fairly accusatory tone, may I remind you that I was doing you a favour?" "You put my kids in danger, and then you lied about it." "Do you have some kind of problem with alcohol?" "The only problem I have is your children." "They're incorrigible because you let them run amok." "If I hadn't drifted off, they would've waited until I was in the bathroom or stuck on the phone or upstairs doing laundry." "On any given day, how many glasses of wine do you put away?" "I will not be spoken to like that." "I just won't." "Now and then, we all need a little help." "So we ask for small favours." "Thanks." "I owe you one." "But it's always best to be wary of those eager to come to our rescue." "Well, go on, kiss the bride." "Because even the smallest of favours..." "Sure thing, Tom." "I'd be happy to baby-sit for you." "My, have you noticed how clogged my rain gutters are?" "...carries a price tag." "Yes, everyone has an agenda..." "I heard about your operation, Aunt Inez, and I'm jumping on a plane right now to come and help you out." "...no matter what they may tell us." "No, I'm happy to." "And I'm prepared to stay as long as it takes." "And in those rare instances where there is no ulterior motive, we're so taken aback that we may fail to recognise the truth." "That a loving friend has just done us an enormous favour."