"He's still with the Press Officer, Sir Humphrey." "Would you like a coffee?" "If the Minister is with the Press Officer, we've probably got time for a six-course lunch." " Morning, Humphrey." " Desmond!" "He's got somebody with him, but he'll only be a moment." " Did you sound him out about...?" " Yes, but it doesn't look hopeful." "All my bank wants is to put six little storeys on the new office block." " Read the Financial Times today?" " Never do!" "You're a banker, surely you read the Financial Times?" "Can't understand it." "Full of economic theory." " Why do you buy it?" " It's part of the uniform." "Took me 30 years to understand Keynes' economics." "I'd just cottoned on when everyone got hooked on monetarist ideas, you know, "I Want To Be Free", by Milton Shulman." " Milton Friedman?" " Why are they all called Milton?" "I've only got as far as Milton Keynes." "Maynard Keynes?" "I'm sure there's a Milton Keynes." "Yes, there is, it's..." "Sit down." "You didn't read about the Minister's speech to the Architectural Association last night, attacking skyscraper office blocks?" "Ours isn't a skyscraper." " How many storeys?" " 38." "44 with the extra six we're asking for." "He was talking about the maximum tolerable height being eight." "Surely you can talk him out of it?" "Work him upwards?" "8, 12, 18..." "That's your job - talking him out of things." "Don't forget, there's a promise to prevent any more high-rise buildings in the environment section of the manifesto." " Does that scupper it?" " Not necessarily." "There's an implicit pact offered to every Minister by his senior officials." "If the Minister implements the opposite policy to the one he's pledged to, which, once in office, he will see is incorrect, we'll help him to pretend he's following his manifesto." " That's a very reasonable offer." " It sounds reasonable." "Unfortunately, among the many extraordinary qualities politicians possess, reasonableness isn't the first that springs to mind." "Not when one contemplates the average Minister." "And our Minister is very average." "But we need those extra floors." "And if you're joining the board when you retire, it'll be tricky if there's no office to put you in." "Entertaining your visitors in a Portakabin in the car park?" "I'm not saying you won't get permission, just not today." "Be patient." "Surely if a Minister's made a decision, that's it?" " What gave you that idea?" " Surely a decision's a decision?" "Only if it's the decision you want." "If not, it's just a temporary setback." "Ministers are like small children:" "They want something desperately and next day forget they asked for it." " He is a Minister of the Crown." " You know why he's called that?" "He's always talking off the top of his head... or through the back of it!" " You won't accept his decision?" " No, no, no." "I start by accepting it and supporting it enthusiastically, then I tell him to leave it to me." "Humphrey, the architect fellow." "Morning, Crawford." "The Minister won't keep a moment." "So, what's going to happen?" "I'll have a minute with him first, but don't expect too much this morning." "Think of it as a child's tantrum over a rice pudding." "Won't touch it today and yet wants two helpings tomorrow." "Ah, rice pudding... good." "I always liked rice pudding." "Minister, it's really excellent." ""Hacker speaks out against tower blocks."" ""Minister's courageous stand on high buildings."" "I sound like a steeplejack." "What about the popular press?" "How do I get into the mass circulation dailies?" " What about a photograph?" " The papers like a photo of a pretty girl." "I don't quite qualify on that score." "Judge a beauty contest - a photo of you kissing the winner." "If my picture's in the papers, people should look at me, not some pretty girl." "Otherwise, something with cuddly animals or small children, like this afternoon's visit to the city farm." "Is everything laid on" " Mail, Mirror, Express?" " And the Sun, Today and Nationwide." " Nationwide?" " Will I be on telly?" " With any luck." " Well done!" " You are a Minister of the Crown, sir." "There's some baby donkeys laid on to be photographed with." " Donkeys?" " Yes, sir." "The Sun specifically asked if you could be photographed amongst the donkeys." "What do you think, Bernard?" "Even if the Sun has no ulterior motive, it'll be a gift for Private Eye." "You with a crowd of other donkeys." "That's what they would say." "Or a meeting of the Inner Cabinet." "What are you here for, Bernard?" " Sir Humphrey's here." " Very well." "There's also some little pigs." "I don't think that's a great improvement." "Snouts in the trough jokes - pull yourself together!" "I will consent to be photographed with a lamb, that's all." " Ah, Humphrey." " Good morning." "Sir Desmond Glazebrook is outside." "Glazebrook?" "That old fool who makes anti-Government speeches?" "Yes, and you appointed him chairman of the co-partnership commission." "What's he want?" "He wants to talk about his forthcoming application to put more storeys on his bank's office block." "That's just the thing we must stop, Humphrey." "Somebody has to speak out about the environment, take a stand on high buildings." "That would make a good press photograph." "Thank you, Bernard." "It's up to you, but he does have a good case." "Have you read the background papers?" "Yes, of course." "Remind me." "The bank points out that there are already several tower blocks nearby, and it is the international division of the bank, expanding rapidly." "It needs a central location." "It would bring in revenue for the city." "Typical!" "Money, money, money." "What about beauty, Humphrey?" "Indeed, Minister, beauty." "Make a note of that, Bernard." "What about our children?" "And their children?" "Exactly, Minister, "Children's children", Bernard." "Who are you serving?" "God or Mammon?" "I'm serving you, Minister." "In that case, Humphrey, show Sir Desmond in." "Glazebrook!" "I'll give him high-rise buildings..." "Sir Desmond, how nice to see you!" "What can I do for you?" "It's these extra storeys, six of them." "We'll make a formal application later, but any guidance you can give us...?" "I warn you that I have misgivings about tower blocks." "This is how we make profits." "Six extra storeys and we clean up." "Without them, we'll only make a measly 28% on the project." " It's just profits, is it?" " Not "Just profits", it's profits!" " Don't you think of anything but money?" " No, why?" " What about beauty?" " It's a building, not an oil painting." " And the environment?" " We'll make sure it's part of the environment." "It's bound to be, once it's there." " I'm sorry, Sir Desmond..." " There's one thing, Minister." "As you know, similar permission was given to Chartered of New York, so to refuse a British bank..." "Exactly!" "So it's all right?" "Er... well... no." "No, it isn't." " Why not, damn it?" " It-it-it's not necessarily..." "The Minister is concerned that another tall building will clutter the skyline." "That's right, it would clutter the skyline." "He's also worried that more workers in the area would strain the transport system." "I'm worried about public transport." "Furthermore, he points out that it will overshadow the playground of the St Joseph's Primary School." "It would overlook private gardens, which would be an intrusion of privacy." "Privacy!" "Pollution!" "Furthermore, the Minister points out, most astutely, if I may say, that the bank owns a vacant site close by which would accommodate your expansion needs." " Where?" " There." "That's the river, isn't it?" "The Minister was referring to this site." " Is that ours?" " It is, Sir Desmond." " What's it for?" " It's scheduled for phase three." "That's scheduled for phase three." "Anyway, it's 400 yards away." "Difficult for the board to walk 400 yards to lunch and impossible to walk back afterwards." "Put in your formal application by all means, but that will be my decision." "Minister, suppose we designed a different rice pudding?" " What?" " What?" " Rice pudding?" " Bankers' jargon for high-rise buildings." "Is it?" "Bernard, show Sir Desmond out." "Bye, Sir Desmond." "Oh, yes." "Right." "Thank you, your reminders were very helpful." " A pleasure." " Real teamwork, what?" " Especially as Glazebrook is your chum." " We're very old friends." "But it is as naught compared to a civil servant's duty to his Minister." " Humphrey, do you mean that?" " Of course, Minister!" " How very nice." " Thank you." " It's after half past." " I've got to dash." " Urgent appointment?" " Very urgent." " Cabinet committee?" " That sort of thing." "Could you sign this?" "It's extremely urgent." "Do I have to?" "I'm late already." "It's an administrative order to formalise Government powers for the utilisation of unused local authority land until development commences, then it reverts to the authority." "Do I have to sign now?" "Why hasn't it been before the House?" "If it were a statutory instrument, it would have to go before the House, but it's an administrative order, under section seven of the Environment Act, which is an enabling section, empowering the Minister to make regulations" "regarding unused local authority land as necessary from time to time within the framework of the Act, as I'm sure you recollect." "Why doesn't it go before the House?" "If it were a statutory instrument, it would have to go before the House, but because it is an administrative order under section seven of the..." "All right, Humphrey, I have signed it!" "Why was that so urgent?" " It wasn't." " But you said it was." "It wasn't urgent, but it was important." "Any document transferring decision-making power from Ministers to us is important." " Why?" " Oh, Bernard...!" "Don't be obtuse, please." "It helps take Government out of politics." "It's Britain's only chance of survival." "Couldn't it have waited until he wasn't in a hurry?" "When we want Ministers to sign something without asking questions, we wait until they're in a hurry and their concentration is weakest." "That's why we keep them on the go." "Bernard, where was the Minister rushing off to so secretively?" "A school children's city farm in Tower Hamlets." "My God!" "The things that man will do for publicity." "Is he going as a visitor or as an exhibit?" "Very droll, Sir Humphrey." "What?" "Mrs Philips?" "I'm Bill Pritchard, the Minister's Press Officer." "This is Mrs Philips, the warden of the park." "How do you do?" "BBC TV." "We didn't get your arrival, could we have it again?" " Sorry?" " Could you arrive again?" "How can he arrive again?" "He's already here." " For the cameras." " Do you mind?" "Mind what?" "Let's see you arriving." "Does this often happen?" "Turn over..." "Action!" "Wave, everybody!" " Welcome, Minister." " It's a great pleasure." "I'm glad you've come." "We tried other celebrities but nobody could come." " Cut." " What?" " Cut, cut, cut!" " Cut." " We'll cut that out, right?" " Yes, but..." "Not but, cut!" "May I introduce you to His Worship, the Mayor?" "Licence fees are coming up again." "Now, tell me all about this." "This is a piglet." "No, tell me about this city farm." "There are over 50 city farms built in urban wasteland to give children who seldom see the countryside a chance to understand livestock and food production." "What a wonderful idea!" "And this is your first anniversary?" " Yes." " Congratulations." "Could we have a shot congratulating Mrs Philips for the television?" "Certainly, by all means." "Everyone's a ham!" "Sorry." "So this is your first anniversary here?" "Good." "Congratulations." "Well done." "Jolly good show." "Very good." "Got enough now?" "If we may hurry you, make your speech first, and then meet the staff." "I'd like to do the interview with some of those." " Staff?" " No, the children and animals." "Is this working?" " Got my speech?" " I gave it to you." "No, you've got it." "It gives me pleasure to welcome Mr James Hacker, the Minister for Administrative Affairs, who has found time in his busy schedule to be with us today to celebrate our first anniversary." "Thank you." "Thank you." "It's a great pleasure to be here with you all today." "You know, things are changing fast." "We live in a world of change." "The silicon chip is changing our lives." "Quality of life is becoming more and more important." "Environment, conservation, problems of pollution, the future of our children, and our children's children." "These are today's issues." "There is, quite rightly, increasing concern about high-rise buildings." "I'm happy to reassure you, members of the Architectural Association..." "I'm so sorry." "It's yesterday's speech." "It's the one I have, look in your pocket." "So sorry!" "I made a speech yesterday and..." "It's a great pleasure to be here at the city farm today." "You know, things are changing fast." "We live in a world of change." "The silicon chip... is changing our lives." "Quality of life is more important..." "Pollution... future of our children's children..." "These are the issues..." "The city farm movement is a welcome and important addition to the way of life for children in cities." "We feel they play an vital part in children's educational and social life." "We shall do all we can to help this movement flourish." "Happy birthday." "Sue Lawley's arrived, can we do the interview now?" "Yes, set it up with the most attractive children and animals." "Thank you for saying that, Minister." "Can we really rely on your support?" "Of course you can." "Our lease is running out and we have to get it extended." "I can't really influence it, but I'll try to help this movement to flourish." "Would you do the interview now?" "This is Sue Lawley of Nationwide." "Sue Lawley, what a great pleasure." "I do believe I'm probably your greatest fan!" "Sorry to butt in, but could the children and staff get autographs?" "Autographs?" "Certainly." "Come on, that's enough." "What did you want to say?" "I'll ask some questions of the warden and then come to you for comments." " Where would you like us to be?" " Here." " Perhaps with animals and children?" " Yes, splendid!" "Put this sweet little girl on your knee, Mr Hacker." "All right, let's get on with it." "Turn over!" "We're running, Sue." "Warden, I understand the lease of this wonderful city farm will run out." "Yes, we've been worried about this." "But I've just had a word with Mr Hacker, and he has indicated that he will ensure that this farm can carry on." "Minister, how will you ensure this farm keeps running?" "Er... well... you see..." "Sue..." "The fact is, and let me make this clear..." "Quality of life is becoming more important, the environment, conservation, problems of pollution..." "The future of our children... and our children's children." "These are today's issues." "Minister, thank you." "I saw your chap on the television last night cuddling a rabbit." "St Francis of Tower Hamlets." "What was it in aid of?" "After the rodent vote, I imagine." "Quite a good idea, those city farms." "Are you still worried about parking at Tower House?" "Desperately!" "It's the major blockage to recruiting Inland Revenue inspectors." "There's a 1¹/2 acre local authority site nearby with the lease running out." " But we haven't the authority." " You have now." " You mean an order under Section 7?" "!" " Signed yesterday." "Humphrey!" "How did you manage it?" " What's the site used for now?" " Nothing of any significance." "A city farm for school children." "Like the one St Francis was visiting?" "Not the one?" "I've always said those things are a bad idea." "Unhygienic and a danger to public health." "It might be good to move quickly, before the lease were renewed." "Surely." "Won't it put your Minister in a spot?" " I'm sure I'll find him a way out." " I'm sure you will." "Coffee?" "No, thanks, I must be getting back to Assisi." " Thank you for lunch." " Not at all." " Enjoy your trip." " Bless you." "Desmond?" "It's you, Humphrey." "I think I know how to get the Minister to eat his rice pudding." "Evening paper, Minister." " Centre page." " I say!" "Double-page spread, what about that!" ""The St Francis of Tower Hamlets."" "There's a picture of me with ducks." "Another with a small girl." "A black... ethnic... multi... you know, one of..." "What good publicity!" "Are there any more city farms to visit?" "Manchester, Birmingham, Glasgow." "The marginal, I mean, the special development areas." "Bernard, how about this double-page spread?" "Top of the Mirror, Nationwide last night." "You're very quiet, what's the matter?" "Mrs Philips, Minister, the warden of the city farm you visited yesterday." "Is she pleased with the publicity?" " She doesn't seem pleased." " Why not?" " The farm's being closed." " Closed?" "!" "It's being turned into a car park for Inland Revenue inspectors." "My God, what will they say about this?" ""Children and animals evicted by taxman."" ""Minister goes back on TV pledge."" "Heavens!" "This must be stopped." "Do something!" " What idiot authorised that?" " You did." "What?" "The order you signed yesterday giving Government power over local authority land." " Section 7, subsection 3." " Get Humphrey." "He's on his way and Mrs Philips is in the private office." "She's that last person I want to see." "This is the greatest disaster this century." "There were two world wars." "Fighting on the beaches is one thing, evicting animals and children for tax inspectors' cars is another." "Ah, Humphrey!" "Minister, I saw you on television last night." "What a treat!" "Never mind that, what about the city farm being closed?" " The Treasury..." " It's got to be stopped!" "Unfortunately, it's a Treasury decision and beyond our jurisdiction." " I shall revoke the order." " That is impossible." "Or difficult." "Or inadvisable." "Or requires legislation." "One of those." "Anyway, it could not invalidate an action taken while the order was in force." "I don't care if it's the Queen and the Pope..." " Judas!" " I say, look here." " You promised to support us!" " I'm sorry..." "You must see that our lease is renewed." "My dear lady, it's not in the Minister's p..." "Mr Hacker, you have given your word." "Are you going to keep it?" "I shall leave no stone... every avenue..." "everything that is humanly possible..." " You mean, no." " No." "Yes, I mean no." "I mean yes." "Definitely not." "No." "Yes, I mean, no." "Very well." "Don't say I haven't warned you." "My husband is Deputy Features Editor of the Express." "Tomorrow morning your name will be manure." "You will be roasted alive by the national press." "It falls to few people to be, in the space of 24 hours, both St Francis and St Joan." "Humphrey, something must be done to stop this farm closing." "Otherwise, we shall look a complete..." " Yes?" "Sir Desmond Glazebrook is outside." " What does he want?" " I can't imagine." " Send him in!" "It's Open Day at the Department!" "Minister, I was passing and I've had an idea." "If you gave us permission for an extra nine storeys..." "You asked for six!" "If you gave us nine extra storeys, we could postpone phase three for seven years, leaving this site vacant." "I was reading this morning in the Financial Times about your visit to the city farm, a jolly good wheeze." "Our phase three site is only 200 yards away, so you could use it to extend the farm, or if they had to move, it's a bit larger." "We thought of calling it "The James Hacker Cuddly Animal Sanctuary."" "Well, "Animal Sanctuary", anyway." "Nine storeys isn't very much, is it?" ""James Hacker Animal Sanctuary."" "Government has to be awfully careful about throttling small businesses." "The bank isn't actually a small business." "It would be if we throttled it, Bernard." "After all, what is another tower block where there are so many?" "Yes, indeed, Minister." "I shall be forced to reconsider my decision." "We'll be able to give Sir Desmond his six storeys..." "Nine." "Nine storeys." "Let's make a press announcement." "To the James Hacker Animal Sanctuary!" " You were worried about London Transport." " They will be glad of the extra fares." "As for the school..." "They might welcome the shade." "In the hot weather, certainly." " And privacy?" " There are two sides to privacy." "People might enjoy looking at what goes on in those offices." "Extraordinary things go on in offices, don't they?" "Yes, Minister."