"OK." "Here's something." "'The Bucket List.'" "'See the glaciers before they melt.'" "'Go on an African safari.'" "'Encounter the world's largest mammal.'" "'The ultimate things to do before you die." "Or are they?" "' there's no way I'd want to be climbing Kilimanjaro." "It's not things to do a few minutes before you die." "Easy, boys." "Easy, boys!" "It's difficult." "He was so suspicious after the last time." "This is doing me head in." "We've told him he gets to choose from the list whatever he wants to do." "This is like an Attenborough moment." "But that doesn't mean there won't be a few treats in store" "Fuckin' 'ell!" "This is a man who's reluctant." "This is a man who doesn't wanna do these things." "It's making Karl do things other people want to do before they die." "Yeah!" "Exactly, yeah!" "This isn't his list. (laughs)" "You fucking twat!" "(screams)" "OK." "Here's something." "Now this is probably number one on everyone's list." "This crops up so many times." "Swim with dolphins." "When I think bucket list I think swim with dolphins." "Yeah..." "They're fascinating creatures." "Everyone says they are." "Everyone says they're intelligent." "They are." "Why are you not convinced by their intelligence?" "They say they're bright." "They say they can cure ill people." "That's what they do." "They put ill people..." "You mean dolphins are training as doctors?" "They can't scrub up because of their flippers." "They just say, don't they?" "Anyone who's ill, just stick 'em with a bunch of dolphins." "Makes 'em better sometimes." "No, it doesn't." "It's a wish list." "It's like a little dream." "What if we told you that you were going to Australia to swim with dolphins?" "Wow." "What a lucky man he is." "Lucky boy." "(snorts) Yeah!" "Look at him!" "Smiling at the thought of it." "Yeah." "Sometimes, it's like you can understand what you're actually saying." "If you look at the eyes." "I'm just worried about getting a little snide-y one." "(laughs) Bet they don't." "Get some Speedos." "Little white Speedos." "I won't be wearing that sort of thing." "I won't be going naked either." "That's not what it's about, is it?" "It's about the dolphins." "They're naked." "(mumbles)" "I don't know why it's meant to be that exciting." "They've always annoyed me." "The way people go," "And yet Rick and Steve are calling me an idiot." "You know, intelligent as a three-year-old." "What's a three-year-old done?" "Has anyone ever been blown away by something that a three-year-old's come up with?" "No." "They only muck around." "Sticking their sticky hands on windows and stuff." "I never meet a three-year-old and go, I'd love to spend more time with it." "I think I said to Ricky and Steve." "If it was in the Thames they wouldn't be that keen to jump in there." "If they were swimming with old shopping trolleys and stuff." "No." "I don't like the idea of a mega long flight so Ricky and Steve said," ""Alright, stop off at Thailand, have a bit of a break there," "So I'm not moaning about it." "Thailand." "Meant to be nice, innit?" "(splashing)" "Jesus!" "What is going on?" "Is this just normal?" "Is this a normal day?" "(producer) It's like a celebration." "How do you lock the door?" "Straight into this after a 12-hour flight." "He's probably just trying to go to work." "(imitates the drum beat outside) That's mental, isn't it?" "I mean, it's like there's a gorilla on the roof." "Cadbury's advert." "It's closed off." "The road looks closed off." "We're gonna have to walk from here." "Course we are." "Just here." "By the proper lunatics." "Brilliant." "I'm not being funny." "Thailand's a big place." "Did Steve know this was happening when he picked the hotel?" "Or is this just part of the little niggle to wind me up" "(Voicemail) First new message." "Received today." "Me mam and dad's gonna watch this." "If it's anything seedy I'm not doing it." "I don't mind looking but I'm not gonna start doing what they do." "Well, it's kind of like a tranny person, innit?" "It's like a bloke who prefers to be more like a woman." "But I don't know if they're gay or if it's like Eddie Izzard where it's just, you know, oh, I like wearing bras and knickers and stuff." "And then you take 'em off and you're a bloke again." "I don't know how committed they are or if you get different levels of commitment." "But, at the end of the day," "I suppose I'll be looking for little signs of blokeage." "Is that... is that him?" "That's mental." "That is proper mental, innit?" "What's her name?" "Vivien." "Vivien's a possible man's name as well, innit?" "And it's almost like she's not trying to con anyone." "Cos it's, like, "Me name's Vivien." "Shoulda known."" "Hi." "How are you doing?" "Vivien." "Good to see you." "I'm Karl." "Good to see ya." "How are you?" "I'm not bad, yeah." "That's weird." "How long can you stay?" "Er, I don't know." "What's the plan?" "What are we planning on doing?" "Actually, I'm going to the nail shop." "And then do my nails." "Hello!" "Hi!" "It's quite nice this." "Yeah." "Is this how it starts?" "Mm-hmm." "(sniffs loudly)" "No, I've got a girlfriend. 17 years." "(laughs hysterically) It's a good question." "I'm sat here having me nails done." "I mean, fair play." "Have you all had everything done?" "Have all three of you had everything removed?" "So you could still change your mind." "Are you going out with a man at the moment?" "Yeah." "A straight man?" "Yeah!" "Yes!" "We go out in the night time." "We meet some guy and maybe he comes and says, hey, how are you..." "If he talks like that he's definitely gay." "If he goes, "Hello, how's it going?" No!" "He's gay!" "Course he's gay." "He's not gay." "He is!" "Trust me." "I'm just surprised how good it is." "If I was here, and I walked past Vivien I wouldn't double-take or anything." "I was expecting to..." "I don't know." "Even the voice." "The voice isn't manly, is it?" "It's sort of high-pitched." "The way she moves about." "The way she holds herself when she's stood." "You don't get that at home." "If there's a bloke with a dress on you go, "There's a bloke with a dress."" "There's no, "Ooh, is it?" "Is it not?" Yes, it is." "Moustache sometimes." "It's sort of made me think, what is the difference between a man and a woman?" "If you have the bollocks off is that it?" "Is that when the man-ness ends?" "You're not a man anymore?" "It has made me think, like, if Suzanne said," ""I've got something to tell ya." "I'm a bloke."" "I would have always thought I'd go, "Forget it, no, not having that."" "But, I suppose, at the end of the day, if it looks like one, it does the job, would it change me view of her?" "I'd probably get her to do more stuff." "I'd probably say," ""Right, you're a bloke." "Carry more bags in the supermarket."" ""Do your bit." None of that, "I'm a lady..."" ""Get hold of the bags." "Things are changing."" ""You can still live with me but, come on, pull your weight."" "I didn't think I'd think this way about it." "I thought I'd be, like, no, it's silly." "Proper confused me." "You want to start to make up?" "I just thought I'd do the face." "Nothing more than that." "No dresses, no dancing about." "Yes, just make-up." "Just wig." "That's it." "OK." "A wig." "You've added a wig." "I didn't know about the wig." "But, yeah." "We can do a wig." "You might have to shave." "No, let's not shave." "A-ha." "OK." "That's kidding no one, is it?" "Wow!" "Wow!" "Amazing." "Do like this." "Smile." "I look like..." "You wouldn't know Dempsey and Makepeace." "You look like Sharon Osbourne." "Sharon Osbourne?" "That's a good one." "And a bit of Ozzy." "I told you this would happen." "I've changed." "Travelling the world changes you." "It's not bad, is it?" "I don't think I'd fancy me if it was me looking at this." "Which says that I'm better off being a man." "It's not glamorous though, is it?" "It's more social club." "I mean, I haven't done that for years." "(blows his hair out of his eyes)" "(laughter)" "Anyway, we've all had a laugh." "Have you got any make-up remover?" "." "." "It's good, innit?" "(guitar/whistling)" "It's a bad sign, innit?" "I'm sat here." "It's thundering." "It's like the start of a horror movie." "Like you know when there's gonna be trouble." "The weather goes bad." "There's a lad there." "He's only about 12." "Alright?" "I'm Karl." "Yeah." "What's your name?" "Ming." "Tuck in or out?" "Why do I need this for training?" "This is what I mean." "It's not funny, this." "I'm meant to be seeing a dolphin." "Ha?" "I've come to see a dolphin." "(chuckles)" "He has no idea, has he?" "He has no idea what I'm here for." "Hands up." "A-ha." "Good, that's good." "What?" "That hurt a bit." "One, two..." "What the fuck?" "What's he doing in here?" "Four, come on!" "Your foot, man!" "Oh, fuck off." "One more time." "Five." "Go!" "One, two." "Ding-ding-ding-ding." "Four." "Go, go, go." "This is not normal." "Fuck." "Five." "This shouldn't be happening." "This didn't happen in Rocky!" "He's biting me ears!" "No problem." "Four, five, six, seven, eight." "How many's that?" "(pants)" "Good, innit?" "When I get home, Suzanne thinks I've got carpet burns." "That's good." ""What have you been up to in Thailand?"" "Right, that's it." "If we can just get in the van and go." "Just say, that's great, that." "Gonna go and look at some temples now." "We're in Thailand. (pants) Fuckin' 'ell." "Steve sent me a text saying he hopes I enjoyed the Thai boxing training." "So I can put me new skills into practice." ""Good luck with that." "P.S. It's blindfolded Thai boxing."" "So it's what I did today, blindfolded." "I'm gonna go more and more mental as the series goes on." "(bell rings)" "(cheering/shouting/commentary)" "I'm getting in a ring with someone who's gonna kick me head in." "What worries me is he doesn't know how bad I am." "Me eyes might be rolled in to the back of me head." "You won't know." "Because they're covered." "It's a bit Russian roulette-ish, innit?" "(cheering/laughter)" "I've watched Thai boxing on the telly." "And normally anything goes." "You can use your hands, first, your wrist, your head, elbows, feet, knees." "And yet, in this," "I can't use me eyes." "It's dangerous, this." "What's going on?" "I'm meant to be in Australia seeing dolphins, and I'm in Thailand getting me head kicked in." "If that was a reasonable thing to do, blind people would be doing Thai boxing." "If they were blind and they did it, I'd go, "Fair play to 'em."" "They haven't got much sport, have they?" "The blind." "I've never seen blind people doing anything." "I don't they really go out, do they?" "Only to take the dog for a walk." "They've sent me to a prison for a massage." "I've never heard of it." "I mean, yeah, I know the thing that when people have been to prison they come out and you give them little jobs to do." "But it's not normally hands-on stuff, is it?" "It's meant to be relaxing, having a massage." "And yet I could have a murderer around me neck." "These are massive." "What sort of massage is it?" "I suppose they've got to have a bit of help for when they get out." "I mean, she's not gonna be baby-sitting tonight." "(groans faintly) Fuckin' 'ell." "Why do you need your arse doing?" "You don't get stress in your arse, do you?" "When you know they're in prison, you do want to know a little bit more detail, really." "Just little things. (groans)" "How long have they been in?" "You know." "Did anyone die?" "Did you do it on purpose?" "I think that's three fair questions, innit?" "It's like having a game of fucking Twister." "(groans) I could have Charles Manson rubbing me legs." "This is why she shouldn't be doing it." "(groans) For fuck's sake!" "(chokes/gasps)" "How come he's not getting this?" "Oh!" "(sighs deeply)" "Cheers." "Not really, no." "I don't know if she was a murderer or not." "If anyone's watching this and they want to work in the beauty business, and they're thinking, I want to do massage," "I'll go and whack someone on the head with a hammer." "It doesn't send out the right signal." "She dropped a bollock." "She messed up in her life." "You gotta pay for it." "Jack the Ripper." "What do you wanna do?" "Make some muffins?" "Go on then." "Open a bakery." "You've got a killer on the loose going," ""I'd love to rub people's necks." Get out!" ""(laughs)"" "How many snakes are there?" "There's gonna be a lot, isn't there?" "Snake village." "I don't understand why they let them take over." "I shouldn't be going in there." "I wouldn't if I was here on holiday." "It's a warning, that." "The fact we have to take medics with us says to me we shouldn't be going there." "Good to see you." "I notice you've lost fingers." "King Cobra." "King Cobra?" "I'd stay back if I were you." "Oh, Jesus, it's big, innit?" "Fuckin' 'ell, what's that on the roof?" "Watch that." "Right, stop, stop." "Stay, stay." "Is that one deadly?" "Could that kill me?" "So is this the one that took the fingers away?" "Yes." "That's the one." "He's my friend." "Anyone can touch King Cobra." "It's not worth the risk." "Ten, ten fingers." "He's getting a more deadly, bigger one out." "When I first turned up and saw he had fingers missing, you kinda think, that's a shame, I feel sorry for him." "But then you realise this is why he lost them." "I just don't understand." "Has he really nothing else to do round here?" "He's a killer one." "I don't know why you're worrying about them." "I don't think they were that stressed." "And I tell you why." "Whilst one was sort of dancing about it farted." "Who was that?" "(passes wind) That's the snake?" "I mean, I was blown away by it." "Really to the point of" "I had no idea they even had an arse." "It was there..." "I thought the fart was a human thing." "It's something to do with, like, arse cheeks or whatever." "It's that thing of, if you're scared of your boss imagine 'em naked." "I was scared of the snake." "Once it farted it was, like, why am I worried about this?" "Well, yeah, cos you've put it in there." "Like a tortoise without a shell on." ""(laughs hysterically)"" "." "." "It takes it out of you, that, you know." "Messing about with dangerous animals and that." "So they offered me some food." "I thought, I could do with that." "Me energy levels are low." "I saw chickens roaming around." "I thought, I quite fancy some chicken." "I'd love some food." "Turns out it's ant eggs we're gonna eat." "(warbles into the trees)" "(groans)" "Bloody 'ell!" "Ants!" "Agh!" "Urgh!" "Fucking bastards!" "Fuck off!" "God!" "That's how much it hurts." "You feel it." "You don't even know it's there." "Thank Christ they've got spoons and not chopsticks." "Grrr!" "That's a tiny bite." "Let me show you this." "I didn't know it was there." "I felt the bite, right?" "Look at the size of it!" "It's tiny." "It's not even big." "Then again, I'm eating its brother." "You can't get annoyed with 'em." "What's that?" "Chuck it all in." "Mixing?" "A little bit of wasp's garnish." "Another one." "(speaks Thai)" "Hey?" "Fak?" "Fak, fak, fak." "Dum." "Dum." "Dum-dum-dum." "Dum." "Dum-fak." "Hang on a minute." "This is a joke." "That is a joke." "Dumb fuck?" "(laughs/speaks Thai)" "OK, OK." "Take the legs off, yeah?" "It's weird, innit?" "I'm more worried about having some rice cooked in dirty water" "I'm not gonna take me lead from you." "You're a lunatic." "I thought I was only gonna be in Thailand for a day or so." "You know, just waiting for the next connecting flight to Australia." "But I'm here for a few more days." "I'm just wandering around like a loon," "I don't know if there's anything worth showing you." "I've found this." "This little garden." "With a five-foot knob in it." "I haven't seen that on telly before." "What is it?" "Some sort of fertility shrine?" "It's like a warehouse for knobs." "I've never seen so many." "Where do you get these from?" "Who's making these?" "And the weird thing is, with fertility and all that, it's not about the knob anyway." "It's the bollocks." "Yet there's no bollocks." "There's a little pair there." "Oh, a couple there." "But I don't know if that's there to balance it" "You got a knob here with legs and bollocks." "But other than that it's just the knob." "They've stuck a monkey on one over here." "A little knob with a monkey." "Mix it up a bit." "I think it's odd how people have gnomes in their garden." "And then you see this." "That's the thing with Thailand." "It's like, that's weird, we'll go weirder." "I'm going to a local museum in Bangkok." "It's in a hospital which is already weird." "But then again, it's not a normal museum." "Look at it." "They've got a dead body of a murderer, sat in a baking tray, in a sort of a wooden wardrobe with the door shut, with Sellotape, on the third floor of the hospital." "We have Madame Tussaud's where you go in, packed with tourists, looking at models of Kylie Minogue and David Beckham." "They'll always go one better." "Just heads." "Heads everywhere." "Good God!" "There's half a head!" "But I'd have something like that." "I don't know if I'd ever get sick of looking at it." "For me, that's an ideal bookend." "Like that." "Books in the middle." "And there's more chance of me wanting to look at that than any of the books that are in the middle of it." "Thailand's doing me head in a little bit, if I'm honest." "I thought I was only gonna be here for a couple of days before heading off to see dolphins in Australia." "But if I'm here this amount of time I might as well get out of the city" "I've heard there's a place called Monkey Town." "I'd love a monkey, me, so it'd be mad not to see it." "So far I've done everything that Ricky and Steve wanted me to do." "Things that I never thought I'd do in my life." "So I want a bit of time to do what I want to do for a change." "He's waiting already." "He loves 'em, doesn't he?" "It's got its hand there wanting more before it's finished eating." "No." "No, that's it now." "Jesus Christ!" "Fuck me!" "See that then?" "They're not daft, are they?" "It's weird, innit, how you see 'em on the telly and everything, and you think they're good." "But when you're with 'em, and they're being a bit, sort of, pushy and annoyed, it is a hot day so they're probably a bit irritable." "Is he working with the bloke who's sellin' 'em?" "Piss off." "(gasps) You alright?" "Agh!" "What's he doing?" "Let's see." "It'll leave me alone when it has these." "He won't be used to the flavour." "Oh, well, we'll never know." "Look at him!" "Reading it first." "What an idiot." "This is like that classic Attenborough sort of thing." "Never saw him getting his crisps nicked." "That's the thing, you see." "He makes animals out to be really nice and friendly." "This is the truth." "I was mugged before I came in." "I felt sorry for King Kong." "Think about it, if this is what it was like, running riot, nicking crisps, climbing up the Empire State Building," "I can understand why they said enough's enough here." "I mean, they're everywhere." "Everywhere you look." "It's not just in these grounds." "On that block of flats over there" "That's like, that one's me and that's Ricky and Steve there." "That's Ricky on top of me, winding me up." "I'm sick of it." "Which one's Steve?" "The one in the corner, playing with itself." "There's Ricky. "Let's do another series." "Oh, I'd rather not."" ""Come on." "We'll send you off again and we'll do fuck all."" "Why do monkeys have red arses?" "Had a pocket of Monster Munch." "Spicy." "Little shit." "I know, I know." "They were nicking me hat, me glasses." "Do you know you say you shouldn't give monkeys jobs." "I think, honest to God, they've got to." "They've got to give them something to do." "They used to have them in films a lot, in teabag adverts," "It's not!" "Don't wish for anything cos it's never what you think." "Actually, think of the things you least wanna do." "And the chances are you'll be happier with it." "." "We go out in the night time." "We meet some guy" "I thought it was meant to be my bucket list." "Things that I wanna do before I die." "I came all the way here to see dolphins," "It's sharks." "Nothing's really been what I thought it was gonna be on this trip." "I thought I'd like monkeys." "They attacked me." "Now it's dolphins." "Thought I was gonna see something friendly." "Now I'm seeing something nasty." "Sharks." "The most deadliest thing on the planet. "Have a swim with it."" "You're having a laugh, aren't ya?" "Look at the holes in it!" "It's not gonna protect me from a bloody man eater." "I'm just gonna call Steve." "Steve, it's Karl." "I got a message from Ricky saying I'm not seeing dolphins, I'm seeing sharks." "Why has that been changed?" "It's meant to be my bucket list, this." "Steve, you wouldn't even fit in the cage, mate." "Honestly, I've seen sturdier shopping trolleys." "No, no, no, it's not." "It's totally opposite ends of the scale." "The friendliest thing in the world, the most dangerous." "I might not do it then." "Just so you know." "Don't be moaning when I get back." "Don't be moaning." "Yeah, you get on with what you've gotta do." "You get on with what you've gotta do but I'm telling you," "I might not do it." "I'll get on the boat and go out and have a look." "But there's no way that I'm getting in this thing." "Hey." "How are you doing?" "Is this Karl?" "Yeah." "Andrew." "And Rodney." "You can get in our starter cage." "They're still not that filled in." "Why?" "It looks unfinished." "That isn't left like that?" "That bit there?" "Yeah!" "We can get there overnight and get a bit of sleep." "And we can hit it early tomorrow morning." "Doing an overnight?" "Yeah." "In the morning we hope you into the cage." "I don't understand why we've gotta be on a boat all night." "The sharks are in the sea." "We're on the sea." "Let's have a look at 'em." "Let's go home." "Why are we hanging around?" "They don't just nip, that's the thing." "If one gets me, it's not just your finger, is it?" "There's never a friendly shark, is there?" "You know, you've got Flipper." "That was a dolphin." "Jaws." "Shark Attack One, Two and Three." "Three films there." "There was a chance for him to get friendly." "Didn't." "An angry shark for three films." "Finding Nemo." "Even the shark in Finding Nemo would have your head off." "They didn't make it friendly." "That was a cartoon for kids." "He was still the grumpy one." "The dangerous one." "They give 'em all names to make 'em seem more friendly." "I think one's called Moo." "It's got a patch on it." "Looks a bit like a cow." "One's called Kiwi." "Another one's called Knuckle or something." "That's what we do, us humans." "We like to give everything a little name" "We're gonna get to the point when doctors say," ""You've got a little Colin the cancer in your left bollock."" "Timmy the tumour." "It's just always that chance, isn't there of something" "Jesus!" "It's like it knows, it knows that someone's about to get in who doesn't know what they're doing." "We've got a meal here." "Word's getting out." "He said they're all circling." "I mean, is it worth me getting in?" "Can't you just get in and film it" "Is that one of the last customers they had?" "Get in." "You'll be fine." "Send that back home to the family." "Here's Frank." "Legs in first, yeah?" "Legs in first." "One of these big great whites came up and grabbed me round the chest." "I've got a photograph taken on the operating table." "This is after they stitched me up in hospital." "They took a photograph of me before they stitched me up." "The chances of this happening to you or anybody else is so small." "But someone would have said that to you before it happened to you." "That's right." "But records are meant to be broken." "(laughs)" "Better?" "Better?" "Yes." "They're still there." "Jesus." "You're doing pretty well there." "Keep going." "Slowly go down." "If you'd like to get out we can sit you on the edge, OK?" "I'm happy in here." "I'm in the toilet cos everything I need is in here." "And my Cup-A-Soup." "Most people have wrote in here." ""Great trip." "Excellent crew."" ""Great boat." It is." "But at the end of the day, he's sticking this on me, the big baby grow." "I can't move properly." "I feel trapped." "I can't breathe." "Then you chuck a shark in the mix." "He's the only one who's got it right." "Look, Richard." "This soup has been the happiest moment." "Isn't that a good thing?" "That my life is really happy and I feel content" "Surely that is a good thing that I don't need to chase." "Madness." "That's what I'm more into." "A little puppy." "Little puppy." "Right then." "Come on then." "If I've gotta do it just get it over with." "OK, we're ready to go." "We're sending you to Alaska to whale watch." "Stop!" "I'm using a lot of me breath up." "You keep saying, "Are you alright?"" "(laughter)" "No one else is doing this." "When I said I came here to see whale, I meant swimming." "Do you have to have a licence for one of these?" "What?" "Do you know where we are?" "I'm like a Glacier Mint." "I feel a bit sick." "What's the point in this programme being in HD?" "It's a waste of time being in colour."