"Get a load of this " "A stamp commemorating some guy walking on the moon." "It was one of mankind's greatest moments." "Big deal !" "I was the first melmacian to wash my hands before eating." "Nobody put me on a stamp." "Maybe you should have used soap." "Ha." "Ha." "Hi, guys." "You're home -- What did you bring me ?" "Nothing." "That's the same thing you brought me yesterday." "I left your dinner in the oven, hon." "Unguarded ?" "You wouldn't have liked it -- The veal was nearly inedible." "Alf !" "Next time, try an overnight marinade." "I'll make you a sandwich." "If there's any bread left !" "I think there's half a raisin bagel." "How much do you want to give to the monks ?" "What monks ?" "We got an appeal from the brothers of the peaceful dominion." "That's my checkbook !" "Yeah, they're your checks." "Don't worry, i'm using your signature." "I've even mastered that effeminate loop on your capital "t"." "As long as these checks are in my name," "I'll decide who the money goes to." "And my loops are not effeminate -- They're decorative !" "Well -- We're in a mood." "**" "Hold still." "I don't want to stick you." "You look great -- Sort of like the pope's son." "I'm in a play at school." "I'm friar tuck -- One of robin hood's merry men." "No kidding !" "We had a robin hood on melmac." "Did he take from the rich and give to the poor ?" "No, he just robbed the hoods off people's cars." "Oh !" "Brian, please." "Alf, would you leave us alone." "Fine !" "I'll go bother lynn." "What's all this stuff ?" "It's a project for sociology." "I'm putting together our family tree." "Who chopped it down ?" "Was it me, again ?" "Alf, why don't you make a family tree ?" "Yeah, it's a fun way to remember your ancestors." "Well, i don't remember much." "My father was always breaking things," "And my mother sat around eating all day." "It's amazing you turned out so well." "Thanks, but sometimes i do blow my nose on the wrong towel." "I see why your spaceship crashed " "You were over the weight limit for luggage." "Well, why didn't you ask for help ?" "I did." "You said, "no."" "If you had only used the magic word "please" ..." "This is all i need for my family tree." "You can put the boxes back." "Forget it !" "What's in these things ?" "These boxes contain the remnants of a vanished civilization." "A people, whose culture and intellect" "Were unsurpassed in the known universe." "Dashboard dice ?" "Dashboard ?" "What a great place for those !" "Kate, guess where these are going ?" "In the garbage." "No -- That's where i found them." "Who are these people ?" "That's my 4th grade class." "I'm the one eating paste." "I see you have a picture of your thumb." "I've made that mistake, myself." "What mistake ?" "I collect pictures of my thumb." "Look -- Here's a picture of my thumb at the beach." "Here's one of my thumb at the prom." "Wait -- That's my toe." "This shot's ruined." "Are these your parents ?" "Oh, yeah." "That's the day they were married." "See, mom's feeding dad a piece of the wedding cat." "You have your dad's nose." "And your mother's, too." "Well, noses run in my family." "Ha ha ha." "Oh, i kill me." "Yeah." "Wait a minute ..." "This can't be right." "What's the matter ?" "According to this " "My parents were married on twangle the 12th," "But i wasn't born until the 28th of nathinganger." "Twangle ?" "Nathinganger ?" "What does that mean ?" "Isn't it obvious ?" "It means my parents were married" "Before i was born." "Sigh." "And they say it's easy raising an alien." "Who says that ?" "People who've never raised an alien." "We're coming in !" "What's going on ?" "Looks like he's doing his susan hayward impression." "Go ahead, make jokes while my life is in shambles." "Alf, what is the problem ?" "I already told you." "I'm branded with the worst stigma imaginable." "I was born ..." "In wedlock." "Alf, what difference does it make" "If your parents were married before you were born ?" "You don't understand." "On melmac, being born to a married couple" "Was the most disgraceful thing there was " "Next to being a cat lover." "Alf is very upset." "Let's leave him alone." "Where are we going to sleep ?" "I can personally recommend the laundry basket." "We'll use the sofa bed." "Not that !" "It's so lumpy." "Great -- My life's coming apart," "And mr." "Sensitivity is worried about lumps." "Come on." "It'll only be for one night." "Kate, you're an optimist." "Sigh !" "I wish life were more fair." "I also wish mrs." "Ochmonek would undress with the shades down." "Yee !" "You want to get the coffee ?" "Sure." "I'll get the eggs." "I see alf's had his breakfast." "At least he didn't eat the tape recorder." "What's this ?" "Probably his grocery list." "Listen -- Dear earth family, my shame is so great," "I've decided to leave." "Press "play" for further details." "**" "That's my "carmen" tape." "[Alf singing from "carmen"] **" "Yo, tanners -- It's me, alf." "Hope you don't mind me recording over your carmen tape." "No, your version is much better." "As you now know, i'm not there." "I've run away to a place" "Where peace and tranquility" "Allow for the contemplation" "Of life's vicissitudes." "What does he know ?" "I still have to put the toilet seat up for him." "Perhaps one day," "When i can deal with my seedy lineage," "I will see you again." "Farewell, i love you all." "Now back to more classical music." "** [alf singing]" "Where could he have gone ?" "Heaven only knows." "[Ding ding]" "[Ding ding]" "I hear you're looking for a few good monks." "As you now know i'm not there." "I've run away to a place" "Where peace and tranquility" "Allow for the contemplation" "Of life's vicissitudes." "[Click]" "I couldn't find him anywhere." "Where could a 3-Foot, hairy alien go" "And not be conspicuous ?" "Steven spielberg's house ?" "Any sign of him ?" "No, but my friar tuck costume is gone." "Maybe he went to sherwood forest." "No, sherwood forest is in england." "Alf only took enough food to get to canada." "Why did he run away ?" "It's hard to explain." "You'll understand when you're older." "How old ?" "Older than me " "I'm still trying to figure it out." "Well?" "Nothing." "Where could he have gone ?" "Someplace, where peace and tranquility" "Allow for the contemplation" "Of life's vicissitudes." "That sounds familiar." "That's what he said on the tape." "No, besides that." "Alf, wanted me to send my allowance to a bunch of monks." "Listen to this." ""Peace and tranquility ..." "life's vicissitudes."" "It's from the brothers of the peaceful dominion." "That's it -- He's joined a monastery." "I'm sorry." "Excuse me," "Where's the little monk's room ?" "I have to take a vicissitude." "Well, i guess i can wait." "Are you here because of a painful secret from your past, like i am ?" "Or are you one of those guys who likes wearing a dress ?" "Right." "We're a silent order." "We don't speak." "Ix-Nay on the eaking- Spay." "Got it." "Mmm mmm mmmm." "Joke time, all right ?" "This one will knock you on your cassocks." "What happened when the heater went off in the convent ?" "They had a bunch of blue nuns." "Ha ha ha." "Blue nuns, get it ?" "Tough room." "[Ding]" "Hey, why don't you let the hunchback answer it ?" "Excuse me, i'm sorry to disturb your peaceful dominion," "But i'm looking for a friend of mine." "He's a rather short, hairy fellow." "Has anyone joined your flock recently ?" "Like, since breakfast ?" "Thank you very much." "Should i be wearing a hat ?" "No, i'm fine." "Here's a real gut buster." "How does the friar open the door to the abbey ?" "With a monkey." "Ha ha." "Get it ?" "Monk-Key." "What's the problem ?" "Is this stuff going over your haloes ?" "Alf." "Willie." "How did you find me ?" "One of the monks talked, didn't he." "Never mind, that." "How did you get here ?" "Thumb-Nail express." "You hitch-Hiked ?" "Easiest ride i ever got." "Who's going to drive by, and leave a monk sucking his exhaust pipe ?" "Alf, your manners." "Absolutely right." "Where are they ?" "Willie tanner, this is ed, the monk." "Ed, the monk -- Willie tanner." "Willie; ed." "Ed; willie." "I don't know who the other guy is." "I think it's cat stevens." "What if they figure out you're an alien?" "Who are they going to tell ?" "Isn't there someplace we can go to talk ?" "It's difficult to discuss certain details..." "This is my home, now." "These brothers are like sisters to me." "Let it fly." "All right." "I did a lot of thinking on the drive up here." "I've never told another living soul" "What i'm about to tell you." "And you." "And you." "And, of course, you." "I know you're not crazy about my stories," "But i think you'll find this one poignant;" "And not without a certain relevance." "Brace yourself, boys." "The sermon's coming early this week." "When i was growing up, i thought my mother was" "The most beautiful woman that ever lived." "I guess every boy feels that way about his mom," "But i wasn't the only one who thought that about my mother." "Look here." "Huh ?" "Who's the goofy-Looking kid ?" "That's me." "The years have been kind to you, willie." "Very kind." "May i continue with my story ?" "Please -- And put that away." "One night, when i was about 6, or so " "I was walking by my mother's room." "I saw her sitting at her dressing table." "I saw her reach up and take off her hair." "I was destroyed." "Not because she wore a wig " "I didn't mind that " "It was because she didn't tell me." "This brings me to the meaningful part." "And not a moment too soon -- It's almost time for vespers." "I hope that means "cookies."" "I'm trying to explain why your parents didn't tell you" "They were married before you were born." "Continue, my child." "They didn't want their son to think" "That they were anything less than perfect." "That's the way parents are." "I know i feel that way about brian and lynn." "Someday, when you have kids of your own ..." "Uh uh uh uh," "I won't be having kids." "Monks give up more than talking." "Right, eddie ?" "Is it me," "Or are those guys a bunch of stiffs ?" "Look, i'm a convertible." "Face it, alf," "You're not monk material." "Yes, i am." "They showed me the qualifications." "Sloth, greed, gluttony ..." "Those are the 7 deadly sins." "I thought the 7 deadly sins were those guys" "Who lived in the forest with snow white." "Those are the 7 dwarfs." "We prefer the term "little people."" "Come on home, alf." "We miss you." "Nobody cares about your past." "Gee, i don't know." "Tonight's my turn to bang the dinner gong." "Alf." "Okay, you got a deal." "You came all this way to get me." "If you want me back so badly," "You deserve me." "Thanks, alf." "Just give me a second" "To say goodbye, okay ?" "Yo, i'm leaving." "[ Monks cheer ]" "I thought this was a silent order." "You know, mom  dad " "You'd like the tanners." "They care about me." "Even when i do something stupid," "Like stomp grapes in the bathtub." "Good night, alf." "We're glad to have you home." "Can i have a cookie ?" "They're not cookies." "They're vespers." "And yes, you may." "Alf, why are there purple footprints in the bathroom ?" "Uhhh -- Have a vesper, kate." "We don't want any." "I'll have a couple." "Willie, gluttony is one of the 7 deadly dwarfs." "Alf, i'd like those footprints cleaned up tomorrow." "Thy will be done." "Thank you." "It's good to have him back." "Amen to that." "Come on, kids." "Good night, alf." "See you in the morning." "I want you both to know i'm not upset, anymore," "That you kept your marriage a secret." "In fact, i have a secret i haven't told you." "Willie's mother wears a wig." "Captions performed by captions, inc.Los angeles, ca" "Captions copyrighted by alien productions." "All rights reserved."