"You said you'd go." "I didn't say I would, I said I might." "I've got to do the accounts tonight." "You don't have to do the accounts tonight." " I do." " It's always the same." "Whenever I want to go out, you've always got some excuse." "It's not an excuse." "It's just that tonight... it's not just tonight, it's any night I want to go out with any of my friends, anyone at all, any other members of the human race." "Yes, I wouldn't call the Sherrins members of the human race." "I'm cooped up in this hotel all day long." "You never take me out, the only bit of life I get is when I get away with some of my friends." "Well, you must get away more often, dear." "They all think you're peculiar." "You know that, don't you?" "They've all said at one time or another, how on earth did the two of us ever get together?" ""Black magic", my mother says." "She'd know, wouldn't she?" "Her and that cat." "Shall I get you the wine list?" "Mr. Fawlty?" ""Mister"?" "Please, call me waiter." "I'll go get a chair and you can really tuck in." "There's some stuff in the bin you might like, potato peelings, cold rice pudding, that sort of thing... not exactly haute cuisine, but it'll certainly help to fill you up." "Sybil, may I introduce the gentleman who's just opened the self-service department here?" "Mister..." "Carnegie." "Mr. Carnegie, the scavenger gourmet from..." "The public health department." "Yes, wh-where were you born?" "Scavenger or down here in the West country?" "Public health department?" "Here's the invoice for the meat, Mr. Carnegie." "It's the six-monthly checkup." "The meat was delivered on Wednesday." "Yes." "That would appear to be satisfactory." "Oh good." "Hope you didn't mind my little joke just now." "Thank God we English can laugh at each other, eh?" "That's our... our new chef, just... just left." "Just popped out for a quick prayer, I expect." " Mr. Fawlty?" " Hello." "These premises do not come up to the standard required by this authority." "Unless appropriate steps are taken instantly," "I shall have no alternative but to prosecute or recommend closure to the appropriate committee of the council." "Specifically, lack of proper cleaning routines, dirty and greasy filters, greasy and encrusted deep fat fryer, dirty, cracked, and stained food preparation surfaces, dirty, cracked, and missing wall and floor tiles," "dirty, marked, and stained utensils, dirty and greasy interior surfaces of the ventilator hoods." "Yes, about the deep fat fryer..." "Inadequate temperature control and storage of dangerous foodstuffs, storage of cooked and raw meat in same trays, storage of raw meat above confectionery, with consequent dripping of meat juices onto cream products, refrigerator seals loose and cracked," "ice box undefrosted, and refrigerator overstocked." "Yes, say no more." "Food handling routines suspect, evidence of smoking in food preparation area, dirty and grubby food handling overalls, lack of wash handbasin..." "which you gave us a verbal assurance you'd have installed on our last visit six months ago... and two dead pigeons in the water tank." "Otherwise, okay?" "As I said, I shall refrain from serving a food hygiene notice today, but I shall return tomorrow." "If the items on this list have not been rectified," "I shall take immediate action." "I have not had time to inspect the bedrooms and common passageways, but I shall be doing so tomorrow." "Yes, of course." "The only gourmets you'll find scavenging in this kitchen will be kamikaze ones." "Thought we was in trouble there for a minute." "We are in trouble." "Piece of cake." "Have you read this piece of cake?" "They gotta do that, ain't they?" "It's part of their job." "Terry, this kitchen is filthy!" "Filthy Towers, eh?" "Now, look..." "All kitchens are filthy, Mr. Fawlty." "In fact, the better the kitchen, the filthier it is." "Have you ever read" "George Orwell's experiences at Maxim's in Paris?" "No, do you have a copy?" "I'll read it out in court." "Don't just stand there gossiping." "Go upstairs." "I'm trying to point out to our alleged chef..." "Go upstairs and get Manuel, then check the bathrooms for soap and paper and get those pigeons out of the water tank." "Yes, my little commandant." "And see how many fire extinguishers are missing." "Come on, Polly." "We'll start in here." "Not in here, puss." "Manuel, I'm sorry." "This is an emergency." "Important, sí?" "The health inspector's just been, things wrong with hotel." "We put them right by tomorrow, all right?" "Now, Manuel, go up to the roof, sí?" "Yes, sí." "No, no, come." "I haven't told you yet." "Go to the water tank." "Water." "Water tank." "Water on roof, in tank." "Sí, sí, sí." "Two dead pigeons, in tank." "Take out." "It's not difficult, Manuel." "This is not a proposition from Wittgenstein." "Listen, two dead pigeons." "Water tank." "What is funny?" "How they get up there?" "How'd they...?" "They flew up there." "That's right." "Will you stop..." "will you just... will you pull..." "Not pigs!" "Pigeons!" "?" "Qué?" "Pigeon, pigeon." "Like your English." ""piety, piffle, pig, pigeon!" Pigeon." ""Piggy on..."" "Ah!" "What is that?" "Is my hamster." ""Piggy-on."" "Hamster?" "Sí, sí." "No, pidge-on." " Manuel, it's a rat." " Pidge-in." " It's a rat!" " No, no, is hamster." "Of course it's a rat." "You have rats in Spain, don't you?" "Or did Franco have them all shot?" "No, is hamster." " It's a rat." " No, I think so too." "I say to man in shop, "Is rat."" "He says, "No, no, no." "Is a special kind of hamster." "Is Filigree Siberian Hamster."" "Only one in shop." "He make special price, only £5." "Have you ever heard of the Bubonic Plague, Manuel?" "It was very popular here at one time." "A lot of pedigreed hamsters came over on ships from Siberia." "What you do?" "!" "Sorry, this is a rat." " No, no!" "Is hamster!" " Is not hamster." "Hamster are small and cuddly." "Cuddle this, you'd never play the guitar again." "Where you go?" "Where you take him?" "I'm sorry Manuel." "He's got to go." " Go?" "No, no, no!" " Yes." "He mine." "He stay with me." "Now look!" "This is a hotel!" "The health inspector comes tomorrow." "If he sees this, I, closed down." "No warning, closed down." "Finito." "You, out of work." "Back to Barcelona." "He no hurt." "He in cage." "He safe." "Please!" "Please!" " Good morning, ladies." " What's the matter?" "He take my hamster!" "Please, no, Mr. Fawlty!" "I love him!" "How could you?" "!" "He take it from my room!" "There, there." "It'll be all right." "You can keep it in our room." "That's right, we'll keep it in our room, Mr. Fawlty." "We'll look after it." "A rat!" "A rat!" "No, no." "Is Siberian Hamster," "Filigree." "It's all right, it's only a Siberian Hamster." "Just getting rid of it." "Polly, Polly!" "He take my hamster." "What?" "Mr. Fawlty take my hamster!" "He crazy, he think is rat!" " Why didn't you check?" " What?" "You mean he's had it for a whole year, and you've only just found out?" "Supposing the health inspector had seen it?" "I know." "He could have closed us down." "What are you going to do with it, Basil?" "You can't keep it in here." "I know." "And don't let it loose in the garden." "It'll come back in the house." "Can't we get you on "Mastermind", Sybil?" "Next contestant, Sybil Fawlty from Torquay, special subject, the bleedin' obvious!" "I wasn't going to let it go in the garden." "What are you going to do with it?" "I don't know." "I'll take it away." "Let it go." "Give it its freedom." "You can't do that, Basil." "He wouldn't be able to defend himself." "He's a rat, isn't he?" "He's domesticated, aren't you?" "You're domesticated, you do all right." "Basil!" "He won't get mugged by a gang of field mice, will he?" "Basil, he's Manuel's pet." "We have a duty to it." "Perhaps we could find a home for him." "All right!" "I'll put an ad in the papers!" "Wanted... kind home for enormous savage rodent." "Answers to the name of Sybil." "Look, I'll take him out into the country..." "No!" "I cannot abide cruelty to living creatures." "Well, I'm a creature, you can abide it to me." "You're not living." "Look, Manuel, we were just wondering..." "Mrs. Fawlty, please understand." "If he go, I go." "Well, goodbye." "Please listen." "You know, we really can't keep him here." "The health inspector wouldn't..." "Mrs. Fawlty, he here one year, he do no harm." "But, Manuel, listen." "If they see your rat, they could close the hotel down." "Perhaps it would be simplest to have him put to s-l-e-e-p." "Who?" "Him or the rat?" "We might get a discount if we had 'em both done." ""spleep"?" "Manuel, I've rung my friend." "It's all right." "She'll take him." "She has lots of animals, and it's not far from here, you can go see him whenever you want." "Come on, we'll take him there now." " But he forget me!" " Rats are like that." "Don't get involved with them." "I think it's the best solution, Manuel." "Oh, he'll be happy." "You'll see." "Sad, isn't it?" "Well, look at it from the point of view of the rat." " What?" " Would you want to spend the rest of your life with Manuel waiting on you?" "We've been through the cupboards, you're doing the walls," "Terry, the filters, checked the fridges..." "Come here." "Right, that's done." "Now, Sybil, everything done here?" "Have you put the lid on the tank, Basil?" "That's why I've been on the roof the last 40 minutes." "And you took the pigeons out?" "No, I left them in." "They're nearly done." "Now, walls?" "I've checked everything." "Terry, the hoods." "We've done the cupboards?" " It's all been done, Basil." " The fridge." "Have we got it all separate?" "Basil, I told you, it's all been done." "Seals on the old fridge, the floor?" "I've checked it." "Just running over the bleeding obvious, dear." "So, all is shipshape and Bristol fashion, eh?" "All ready for old snoopy drawers?" "Is this about that rodent?" "Leave him alone, Basil, he's upset." "He's not going to cheer up mooning about like that, is he?" "Just let him be." "It doesn't help him, you encouraging it." "You've got to get his mind off it." "Well, Manuel, what do you think?" "Looks good, doesn't it, eh?" "All clean and shining bright?" "So empty, without him." "Yes, but those walls look good, too." "And the hoods, gleaming like that, isn't that a marvelous sight?" "Please leave me alone." "I get over it." "Yes, no point in letting it get you down." "Plenty more fish in the sea, eh?" " Don't!" " What?" "Don't hit me." "Always you hit me." "I'm not hitting you, I'm trying to cheer you up." "Let him be, Basil." "Look, look..." "don't look at me with those awful cow eyes." "Wh... why don't you go to the cinema tonight?" "Why don't you and Polly go to the ice rink?" "Why don't you..." "cheer up, for Christ's sake!" "Basil!" "I can not stand this awful self indulgence!" "Leave him alone, Basil, he's just depressed." "Manuel, my wife informs me that you're depressed." "Let me tell you something, depression is a very bad thing." "It's like a virus." "If you don't stamp on it, it spreads throughout the mind, and then one day, you wake up in the morning, and you can't face life anymore." "And then you open a hotel." "We didn't win the war by getting depressed, you know?" " Manuel!" " ?" "Cómo?" " Not so sad." " No?" "No, no." "It's too much." " Too much?" " Much too much." "Just a little bit sad." " There's the food." " Ah, gracias." "Don't forget the water." "Ahh, Terry, Terry." "Let me have a bit of that." "That's fillet." "Sí, sí, he like it." "Please." "Want some bearnaise with it?" "No, no... is chostelorol." "Shoo." "Basil?" "Thank you, Mr. Higgins." "Thank you." "And here's the picture." "What?" "The picture." "The one in your room." "You said you liked it." "Uh..." "Polly!" " Shh!" "Wait!" " Polly." "No, I'm sorry." "I really don't... just a fiver..." "you can have it on approval." "Sorry." "It's for my sister's eye operation." "You bastard!" " Polly!" " Oh, what?" " He gone!" " What?" "He gone!" "He escape!" "But how did he get out of the cage?" "I leave door open so he can exercise in shed." "You dago dodo!" "You got it all over your front." "?" "Qué?" " Mucho salo." " What you do?" "Is dirty." "Don't matter, what about Basil?" "Mr. Fawlty to you." "No, no." "Basil!" "Está aquí." "Now go and clean it." "Ah, sí, sí." "Jolly good, polly." "That's the way to snap him out of it." "Morning, Fawlty." "Hello, Major." "There are the papers." "That's where I left it." "Strike, strike, strike." "Why do we bother, Fawlty?" "Didn't know you did, Major." "Boycott made a century." "Stay where you are, old chap." "Don't move." "Terry, give these a rinse, will you?" "I have." "Well, they're still dirty." "Put them in the dishwasher." "Do you need any help, Major?" "Don't move!" "Vermin." "We haven't got any, this week, Major." "Hmm?" "No Germans staying this week, Major." "May I have that?" "Goin' to shoot him, Fawlty." " Major?" " Hmm?" "Not legal actually, anymore, murder." "But they're animals, Fawlty!" "Oh, yes, yes." "Still, forgive and forget, eh?" "Forgive 'em?" "Well, pretend we do." "But they spread disease, Fawlty." "He was sitting there, on that table, eating the nuts, if you please." "He's really gone this time." "About that size, that... with the tail." "Tail?" "What did you say he was?" "Vermin." "A dirty rat." "How long ago?" "About two minutes ago." "Stay there, Major." "Stay there." "If you see him, give me a shout." "Will do." "I'm just cleaning behind the fridge, Mr. Fawlty." "Basil." "Basil..." "Cheesies." " Bas..." " Yes?" "Here I am!" " Hello, Mr. Fawlty." " That's for me, is it?" "Thank you." "Hmm." "Shall I get you some more?" "There's plenty..." "He's called Basil, is he?" "Don't play dumb with me." "I trusted you." "You're responsible for this." ""My friend will look after him, Mr. Fawlty!"" "Just..." "Come on." "Come on out." "Come on." "Basil's here." "Have you got him?" "He's under there." "Right." "I'll get him." "Cleaning behind the fridge?" "Well, you've got a lot on your mind." "We didn't want to worry you, Mr. F..." "What do you mean?" "A public health inspector coming after a 24 hour warning and a rat loose in the hotel, is that what you mean?" "He must have escaped, Mr. Fawlty, and come back." "Come back?" "They home." "Oh, I see." "He's a homing rat, is he?" "Oh yeah." "Rats are amazing creatures, Mr. Fawlty." "I read about one once." "His owner had gone down to Penzance..." "Yes, yes." "I read about that." "When the chef got filleted with his own carving knife?" "No, honest, scout's honor." "We'll find him, Mr. Fawlty!" "Well, if you could." "That would be lovely, before they close us down." "Super!" "Well, let's have a little Basil hunt, shall we?" "And then we'll deal with the sackings later on." " I'll do the cellar." " I'll do this floor." "Manuel, you check your room." "Start in the bar." "He was there two minutes ago." "I'll do the kitchen." "I've done all them." "Oh, Mr. Carnegie." "Good morning." "Good morning, Mrs. Fawlty." "Hello." "Nice to see you." "Would you like coffee before we adjourn to..." "No, thank you." "If we start upstairs with the water tanks." " Ah, good idea." " What?" "Good thinking, about starting upstairs." "Sybil, would you like to show Mr. Carnegie up?" "I was just going to, Basil." "And I'll keep an eye on things down here, find something to get on with." "God!" "What was that?" "Bloody television exploding again." "I'll deal with it, you go upstairs." "That was a gun!" "Yes, it did sound like it, didn't it?" "Moths." "What is going on here?" "I'll get him!" "He'll come back for the nuts, you know?" "He was sniffing around here just now." "Sorry, sorry, Major." "It wasn't the television at all." "It was just this gun." "I'll put it under lock and key straightaway." "Why was he firing it in the hotel?" "Shooting starlings." "In the bar?" "Through the window." "I'll lock it away." " Is it licensed?" " Oh, yes." "Oh, yes." "You do realize that under the health and safety act it is your responsibility?" "Oh, yes." "I'm terribly sorry." "It's never happened before, Mr. Carnegie." "I'll have to notify the police, of course." "They will take steps." "?" "Qué?" "Polly, ?" "Qué ha pasado?" " It's all right, Manuel." " Is he all right?" " Yes." " He no dead?" "No, it was just the Major letting the gun off." "The Major tried to kill Basil?" "!" "Kill Basil?" "!" "No, not Mr. Fawlty." "I mean Basil, my little..." "Ratatouille!" "Basil." "The little..." "Ratatouille." "The chef calls the Ratatouille Basil, because he puts quite a lot of basil in it." "He put Basil in the Ratatouille?" "Yes!" "He's from Barcelona." "You know, typical Latin, really." "Would you like to..." " Why you do this?" " I 'aven't, I 'aven't!" "Polly say you put Basil in ratatouille." "I haven't made any bleeding ratatouille!" "Manuel!" "Well, why you say he put Basil in ratatouille?" "I had to say something." "That was the health inspector." "Now, will you calm down?" " Where is he?" " Oh, I don't know!" " Perhaps he dead." " Oh, 'e's all right." "Give us the veal." "I've got to get lunch ready." "How you know he's all right?" "The Major fire his gun, perhaps he hit." "I find him!" "Sorry, Polly." "Oh, pick 'em up quick, before 'e gets in here." "That's it, Major." "You've nearly got it." "The thing is, not a word about rats." "You were shooting a starling, all right?" " A starling." " Yes." " Through the window." " Right." "But, Fawlty, how did the starling get in the bar?" "No, no, no." "You were in the bar." " I was in the bar?" " Yes!" "Yes, I was!" "And the starling was in the garden, and the rat was nowhere at all." "Well, I didn't see him." "Say good night to the folks, Gracie." "All right, Terry." "Everything under control?" "Yeah." "Is he still...?" "No, he started upstairs." "God knows where that rat is." "Tch!" "Oh, puss." "Come on, puss." "Out you go." "Oh, uh..." "I put some..." " Terry?" " Yeah?" "There was a piece of veal down here." "Yeah, I got 'em all up, Mr. Fawlty." " What?" " We picked 'em all up." "Got the veals, Terry?" "Yeah, here they are, Poll." "Terry, listen to me." "What do you mean, "You picked them all up"?" "Manuel knocked 'em over." "We picked 'em all up." " Oh, my God!" " What's the matter?" "One of them's got rat poison on it." "Sorry, sorry!" "Veal's off, sorry." "That's veal?" "No, no, this is..." "veal substitute." "We're giving it a try, and it's a bit of a disappointment, I'm afraid." "In fact, it's no substitute at all." "Polly, would you take the order again, please?" "Thank you, thank you so much." "I'm sorry about that." "Would you like the lamb or the plaice?" "Veal substitute?" "Well, it's Japanese, actually, soya beans and essence of cow." "Seals?" "We've moved all the meat into this one, and we've put the confectionery..." "Ahem!" "A bottle of the beaujolais, please." "Certainly." " And the wash handbasin?" " We ordered it yesterday." "Here's the acknowledgement of the order." "Well, it would appear that this kitchen is now in a satisfactory condition." "I shall be writing to confirm..." "Sorry, it slipped." "...the outstanding points, and someone will be dropping in to carry out a future random inspection to make sure these standards are being maintained." " Thank you." " Marvelous." "It's 10 to 1:00." "I'd like to take lunch here, if I may?" "Certainly, Mr. Carnegie." "I couldn't help noticing you had some veal over here..." "Veal?" "Yes, it's Dutch." "It's not Dutch, actually." "It's Norwegian." " Norwegian?" " Yes." "Not the absolute apex, quite honestly." "Terry, the veal is Dutch, isn't it?" "Norwegian, Mrs. Fawlty." "I've been in this business 20 years," "I've never heard of Norwegian veal." "They've only just branched into it." "I don't think it's a winner, frankly, more of a veal substitute." "It's got a lot of air pockets in it, that sort of thing." " The lamb is Dutch." " Dutch?" "English, I mean." "We call it Dutch 'cause it's as good as the veal." "Better, honestly." " I prefer the veal." " How about lobster?" "Would you prefer lobster?" "A couple of lobsters?" "It's frightfully good at the moment." "It's not expensive this week." "We've got so much, we're having a sale to try and shift it all." "75p each, two for £1." "Can't say fairer than that." "Just the veal." "If you like the veal... perhaps you'd prefer the chicken?" "Basil, he wants the veal." "Could I make a phone call?" "Yes, of course." "Through here." "What's all this about rat poison on the veal?" "He's put rat poison on one, they've got mixed up, and nobody knows which is which now." "Well, what happened to the one the cat ate?" " The cat?" "!" " That's no good." "That might have poison on it too." " Well, where is it?" " What?" "Where's the cat's slice?" "Up here." "Right." "Now, how's the cat?" "How's the cat?" "We're about to take the life of a public health inspector and you want to know "How's the cat?"!" "It's gone to London to see the queen!" "What are we going to do?" " He's all right!" " Great!" "Hooray!" "Hooray!" "The cat lives!" "The cat lives!" "Long live the cat!" "What are we going to do?" "!" "Mr. Fawlty, if the cat is all right, that means that slice is all right." "But how long would it take to work?" "That stuff?" "Two minutes." "He had this 10 minutes ago at least." "It's a bit chewed there." "I'll give it a trim." "You're driving over to Babbacombe this afternoon?" "Yes, we're..." "What is a plate of veal doing there?" "I'll just relieve you of it, shall I?" "Do sit down, Mr. Carnegie." "He just has, Basil." "On a plate of veal." " Has it put you off?" " What?" "Has it put you off the veal?" "At all?" "I'm not eating that one, if that's what you mean." "Stop!" "Halt!" "Sorry, I think there might be another one." "Excuse me." "Ah, yes." "Lucky guess." "Well, who's responsible for putting them there?" "Manuel, our Spanish waiter." "Thank you." "Now, would you care to take a seat right here?" "Please." " Does he do it often?" " Oh no, no." "It's the first time." "Sometimes looks as if he's going to." "We always catch him, of course." "Here's your veal, Mr. Carnegie," " And one green salad." " Thank you." "Ah, bon." "Good appetit." "Well done, Terry." "Sorry, not hot enough." "Not big enough, sorry." " What?" " Not big enough, sorry." "Excuse me." "Really, Polly!" "What are you doing?" "!" "Well, if that's the one, these are okay." " What?" " If that's the poison one, these are all right." "Brilliant!" "Great, right." "Okay." "Basil, what is going on?" "That was the poisoned one." "The cat had it." "The cat!" "Poisoned?" "Yes, so that one..." "must be okay, hmm?" "Basil..." "Sorry, just getting you a proper sized one." "It was big enough." "It was all I wanted." "Well, it could have been a bit hotter." " Well, not much, but..." " Look..." "Yes, yes." "It's just coming." "Won't be a second." "Manuel, would you..." "Here." " What?" " Look, he's all right." "Look!" " He can't be." " Well, he is." "Here ya are, Poll." " Oh." " He can't be!" "What do you mean?" "He was vomiting." "Vomiting?" "That's just fur balls, Basil." " What?" "!" " That's just fur balls." "He does that all the time in the summer." "But... but if he's all right, that one might..." "Polly, Polly!" "Too much." "What?" "Too much." "Too much of a good thing always leaves one wanting less, I always find." " Ugh." " What's wrong now?" "We wouldn't want you to think that just because you were one of her Majesty's civil servants, we were showing you any excess favoritism." "I'm sure you wouldn't want that." "Oh!" "So you're the rat inspector!" "Sorry, Fawlty!" "Starling inspector." "Starling inspector?" " One for you." " Thank you." " And one for you." " Thank you." "Do you mind?" "?" "Qué?" "We'll have one Windsor soup, one paté, please." "One Windsor..." "Shh!" "If the cat's slice is all right, that might be the poisoned one." " No, no." " Yes, he's right." "And if the cat's one is all right..." "Which it is..." "We can give him that, can't we?" "Right!" " Mr. Fawlty?" " Shut up!" "But, Terry, that's got things on it." "That's all right, Mrs. Fawlty." "What the eye don't see, the chef gets away with." " Mr. Fawlty?" " What is it?" "!" "Table seven!" " What?" " Basil!" "Sorry, it's just coming." " Excuse me." " Of course," "Good afternoon, sir." "Good afternoon, madam." "I was just trying to give an order to your waiter, and he walked away while I was doing it." "Hmm?" "He wasn't paying attention at all." "I'm so sorry." "What were you saying?" "The waiter wasn't listening when I was giving him our order." "He seemed more interested in my fianceé's legs." "Really?" "May I?" "I don't think so." "In fact, I think there's a bread roll down there." "May I give my order?" "Oh, please." "Of course." "We'd like one Windsor soup and one paté, and then a..." "Just doing my shoelace up." "Are you going to take my order?" "Yes." "Polly, would you take... take the order here, please, on this table?" "Thank you so much." "We'd like one Windsor soup." "One Windsor." "One paté." "He's there, he's there." " What?" " They're there." "What do you mean, "They're there"?" "It's all there." "There, there, there, and there." "All there for your enjoyment." "And one paté?" "Manuel, would you get the bread roll, please?" "No, no, no." "Get the box!" "We have a box, a bread box." "For any bread that has gone past its prime." "And you'd both like the..." "The veal." "The veal's off, I'm afraid." "How can it be?" "You've only just started." " Shh, shh!" " Don't "shh" me!" "Sorry, but the veal is, in fact, off." "It was never really on." "That's a misprint." " A misprint?" " Yes." "It should say..." "Eel." "Eel scallop..." "Oh, stop it, will you?" "Just leave it!" "Wait until after the meal!" "No." "We have to get it, I'm afraid." "Health regulations, before it molds." "Well, I'll get it then." "No, no!" "Please." "Please, allow us." "All part of the service." "So that's one paté, and one Windsor... soup!" "Here's your veal, Mr. Carnegie." "Sorry for the delay." "He's just been given veal!" "Uh, no, no." "That's veal substitute." " Veal substitute?" " It's not very good." "It got rather held up on the boat." "On the way over from..." " Japan." " Norway." "It's a sort of a..." "Japo-Scandinavian imitation veal substitute, and I'm afraid that's the last slice, anyway." "We're leaving." "Okay, if you insist." "By all means." "Be my guest." "Thank you." "I want a taxi." "Polly, would you arrange a taxi, please?" "It's in the bag." " Is your veal..." " In her bag!" "In her bag?" " What?" " Excuse me." "Do you know where you're going to?" "Can you recommend a restaurant?" "Yes, of course." "What sort of..." "Where is somewhere that serves really good veal, Polly?" " Somewhere in the..." " Oh, veal." "Yes, of course." "A really good restaurant." "Wait, just a minute, because I..." "I do remember a place where I had some really good veal once." "Only I just can't think of the name of it..." "It was, umm... ooh!" "La-di-da." "Did you see "Annie Hall"?" "La-di-da." "Annie who?" "What are you doing?" " What?" " He had his hand in my bag!" " What?" " No, no, I..." "You know something?" "You're getting my dander up, you grotty little man!" "You're asking for a bunch of fives!" "Bomb scare!" "What?" "There's been a bomb scare." " A bomb scare?" " Yes." "Yes." "That's why he was searching in your bag." "He didn't want to alarm you." " May I?" " Well, I don't..." "Just one moment." "We had a call, you see." "Well, shouldn't you get everybody out?" "That's why we were looking under your table." "We just didn't want to draw attention..." "Uh, waiter." "Waiter?" "Un momentito." "Sí?" "Some cheese and biscuits and a coffee, please." "Anything to follow?" "I've ordered some cheese and a coffee." "Certainly." "Coffee, please, Sybil." "Here we are, Mr. Carnegie." "Polly, would you get the biscuits, please?" "Here they are, Fawlty." "Cheddar, Danish bleu, edam?" "A little Danish bleu, please." "Certainly." " Edam?" " No, thank you." "Biscuits?" "Would you care for rat?" "Just the biscuits then, please, Polly." "Black or white?" "Black or white?" "Black, please." "Was that a..." "There we are." "Here are the biscuits." "Cream crackers, digestives?" "I'm afraid it's started to rain again."