"In the last episode of Soap," "Carol convinced Jodie to share an apartment, not as lovers, but as friends, even though we know she'd love to be lovers, and speaking of lovers," "Dennis told Jodie he'd love to have him back." "Father Tim decided not to remain a father but to become a husband, and asked Corinne to marry him." "Corinne loves the idea." "Mr. Lefkowitz told Danny he'd kill his entire family if Danny didn't marry Elaine." "Danny said he'd love to." "Mr. Mallu, Jessica's lawyer, told Jessica he loved her, and Jessica would have loved to have heard "not guilty"" "from the jury." "Since she didn't, she'd love to know who did it." "Who did?" "Was it Chester?" "Jodie?" "Corinne?" "Benson?" "Burt?" "Wouldn't you love to know?" "Stay tuned for this week's episode of..." "This is the story of two sisters," "Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell." "These are the Tates... and these are the Campbells." "And this is Soap." "[♪]" "[SHOUTING AND ARGUING]" "Benson, would you make us all some coffee, please." "I can't." "I beg your pardon?" "I can't." "I'm too depressed." "I'll make the coffee, Chester." "No, no, Mary, please." "This is Benson's job." "I can't make no coffee." "Mrs. Tate's in jail." "I can't make coffee." "I just gotta sit." "You want coffee?" "You make it." "I'll make the coffee." "No, Eunice." "I'll make it." "No, Mary." "You sit." "All right, tell me how." "I'll make it." "Come on." "I'll do it." "No, Burt." "You stay with Chester." "Let me, okay?" "No, Corinne." "Your coffee is terrible." "Then don't drink it." "I don't want coffee." "I just want a Fresca." "We could have tea." "Tea's easy." "Get some whipped cream." "I'll make some cappuccino." "[ALL CHATTERING]" "All right, all right." "Never mind the coffee." "[RAISES VOICE] Forget the coffee." "Let's all just sit." "That's what I said in the first place." "I checked out the jail, and according to my calculations, a tank or a two-man bazooka team could bring the wall down." "Wonderful." "Why don't you go outside and check for enemy planes?" "Yep." "Now, the important thing is for us to be cool, to just sit and think, because we all know in our heart of hearts that Jessica is incapable of violence." "Never in a million years, under any circumstances, could Jessica possibly have committed the crime." "So with that in mind, what we have to do now is to calmly and coolly try to figure out..." "[RAISING VOICE] which one of you rats did, huh?" "Which one?" "Which one of you stinking, bloodthirsty Campbells..." "Campbells?" "Campbells?" "How about you Tates, you embezzling thief?" "Don't start..." "Don't push me, Burt." "Stop it!" "Hey!" "Hey!" "Come on!" "Get out of here." "[CRASH]" "I ain't cleaning it." "[MOANS] Oh." "Burt!" "Look what you've done." "I didn't touch him." "Chester?" "Chester?" "Are you all right?" "Fine." "I'm fine." "I'm terribly sorry." "Would you all excuse me for a moment?" "Just go on with what you're doing." "Well, that's it." "I can't go on." "My life is over." "My wife is in jail... the only woman I've ever really loved." "My career is over." "I'll be in jail for embezzlement." "I can't go on." "I might as well end it all." "I'll leave a note." "Paper." "I need paper." "Ah, the important thing is how to do it." "I want it quick, quiet, and with no pain." "I want it... pleasant." "Ah, that's wonderful, Tate." "You want a pleasant suicide." "Why don't you have it catered?" "There's not a piece of paper in this kitchen." "I never thought I'd be writing a note like this." "Never." "Ahh, that doesn't look right." "S-U-A-C-I-D-E?" "It's S-U-I, I think." "No, that would be su-I-cide." "Doesn't matter." "They'll find a body sprawled on the note, they'll figure it out." "Perhaps it's not the smartest thing" "I've ever done in my life, considering I'm not too crazy about heights, but what can you do?" "Colonel!" "What happened?" "Are you wounded?" "What do you want?" "A tank, sir." "I need a tank." "Take one." "Take two." "Thank you, sir." "Thank you very much." "Chester..." "[CHESTER SCREAMS]" "Listen, Chester." "Look, I just wanted to apologize." "I'm sorry." "Oh, it's okay, Burt." "All right." "Chester..." "There's a knife in your door." "Uh, yes, I know." "It makes a good handle." "Well, I don't know." "If you had to get out of here in a hurry, you could leave two fingers in the kitchen." "It's dull." "Oh, it's fine." "These are all dull." "All these knives are dull." "They're fine, Burt." "Come on." "Let me sharpen them for you." "I got a wheel out in my truck." "No, no." "They're fine." "We like them dull." "Yeah, but they won't cut like this." "We don't use them for cutting, we use them for spreading butter, or for door handles." "No, I tell you." "I'll make them as good as new." "No, come here." "Oh, well..." "The knives are gone." "The oven's electric." "What am I supposed to do?" "Jump in the blender and puree myself to death?" "Do you realize that there's still a murderer running around loose?" "The Colonel will be driving one tank." "I'll be driving the other." "We shall rendezvous at 0700, so everyone synchronize your watches." "It is now... 3-ish." "I wonder where the murderer is." "I bet right here." "You think I did it, don't you?" "I know you think I did it." "You've been staring at me all day." "Please." "You?" "Everybody's looking at me like I'm Jack the Ripper." "Corinne, they're not looking at you." "They've been looking at me." "I think it was the colored guy." "We don't need him..." "Wait, wait, wait!" "Now all I have to do is let go of the rope, and I'll be dead." "I wonder how good an idea this is." "I mean, what will it solve?" "Ah, this is silly." "Suicide is not the answer." "Here you go, Chester." "Sharper than when you bought them." "Here." "Watch." "[GRUNTING]" "To the right!" "To the right!" "I'm doing it to the right." "That's not the right, genius." "That's the left." "That's the right, because I write with this hand, and I'm a rightie." "Oh, yeah?" "Yeah." "I wear my wedding ring on my left hand, so how come it's on the same side that you're pulling?" "Well..." "Well..." "Well?" "Because Danny's right is your left." "Right." "So?" "So?" "So when you said "move it to the right,"" "he moved to his right, which is your left." "Right." "Well, he should have known when I say "move to the right,"" "I am referring to the right which I can see, my right, which is his left." "So when you say "move to the right,"" "any idiot knows you move to the left." "You calling me an idiot?" "Huh?" "Come on!" "Cut it out!" "I can't hold this anymore." "All right, come on, now." "Come on, to the right now, my right." "Right." "Ready?" "Go." "Come on." "Come in!" "It's stuck!" "Nothing." "Well, it's different." "When company comes over, they can sit down before they come in." "Ah, let it rest a while." "It's probably swollen." "Danny, this is a couch, not a foot." "Same principle." "Whoo." "Hey, Jodie..." "Hey, this is a nice..." "This is a really nice place you got here." "To the place." "To the place." "To the place." "Here you go." "Makes me think of the first time" "I had my own place." "That was a lot different, though." "For one thing," "I didn't have a couch in the door." "Hi." "Hi." "Hey, Carol." "Listen, uh, I think maybe you'd better leave the furniture arranging to me." "Carol and I are sharing the apartment." "Oh..." "Oh." "Oh!" "Oh-ho-ho!" "[HOWLING]" "It's platonic." "Platonic?" "Sounds kinky!" "We're roommates." "That's roommates." "All right." "That's roommates." "That's all." "All right." "Room!" "Room-room-room-roommates!" "Well, you call it what you want." "That's what it is." "Hey, come on, Jodie, today's today." "Once you get the door closed..." "It's not like that." "I wish it were." "Okay, it's all right, all right." "I believe you." "I always knew he wasn't light in the loafers." "Hi." "Oh." "Hi." "Brought you a little house-warming present." "Oh, I bet you did." "It's..." "Who..." "I..." "Who're you..." "I..." "What's..." "Dennis Phillips." "That's Dennis Phillips, the quarterback, right?" "Right." "Oh, I'm so excited." "What, like, you live in this building, right?" "Do you know who this is?" "That's Dennis Phillips!" "I know." "And he brings you a fern!" "What a sweet guy." "He lives in the building!" "Dennis Phillips lives in your own building!" "I can't believe this." "Listen, now, on Mondays, I'll come over, we'll discuss the games together." "Hey, I'm Burt." "How're you doing?" "[WHISPERING]" "What?" "But you're Dennis Phillips, the quarterback." "I know." "Oh..." "Let go of my hand!" "Listen, uh..." "Why don't we, uh, get out of here?" "We got..." "The truck's waiting for us downstairs, and, uh..." "And Jodie's got all his friends here." "He's got his girlfriend." "He's got his boyfriend." "Oh, let's get out..." "I'm also planning on writing a book, on prison reform, but I don't really know what prison reform is, but since I'm gonna be here so long," "I'll certainly have time to find out." "So you see, Mary, everything's fine." "Oh, Jessie, you are incredible." "You could find the good in absolutely anything." "Oh, well, Mary, I look for it." "I look for it." "Uh-oh." "What is it?" "Oh, Mary..." "What is it, Jess?" "Sex." "Sex?" "Mary, do you realize that prisons are full of men and women who aren't getting any sex?" "Well, no wonder criminals say "You'll never take me alive."" "Mary, what am I going to do?" "Well, uh, Jess," "I think that you're just going to have to do without it." "Are you crazy?" "I do." "You still do?" "Well, at first, Burt couldn't, and then I wouldn't, and then he could, and now I would, but now he can't, because he's never home." "Where is he?" "Well, he's working very hard lately, and by the time he gets home, I'm asleep." "I think I'll put these in water." "Mary, I know what you're thinking." "But just because Chester always told me he was working late when, actually, he was fooling around, you don't have to think that Burt's doing the same thing." "I wasn't thinking anything like that." "Yes, you were." "No, I wasn't." "Of course you were!" "Oh, Mary, look, in the first place," "Chester could not possibly have been working late, because he was a stockbroker, and, of course, the stockmarket closes at 4 in the afternoon." "Burt, on the other hand, is in construction." "Jessie... they don't put up buildings at night." "Well, Chester was always tired." "Now, that's another very good clue, Mary." "Enormous fatigue." "Burt's tired." "Oh, well..." "That's because of all of his physical activity." "I bet!" "Mary, the man works with his hands." "I'm sure he does." "Mary, Burt is not having an affair, if that's what you're thinking." "Jessica." "Hmm?" "How can they do this to you?" "I've never seen such a miscarriage of justice." "My poor, sweet Jessica." "I love you..." "hair!" "It's the most beautiful color I've ever seen." "What would you call it?" "Red." "Oh, red." "I think I'll go now." "Uh..." "I'll see you tomorrow, Jess." "Who says there's no sex in prison?" "Jessica?" "Mm?" "I'll find him." "I promise you, I will find him." "Who?" "The killer." "I'll find him." "As God is my judge, I'll find him." "I'll go to the ends of the earth." "I'll sail every sea, climb every mountain, look in every corner of the world." "Well, be extra safe and get a typhoid shot." "You will have a reaction to it, but it'll be worth it, because then you won't have to worry about every little foreign thing you put in your mouth." "Oh, Jessica, Jessica, what are we going to do?" "You dear, brave, sweet woman." "I love you..." "eyes!" ""I love you, eyes"?" "See you tomorrow, Jess." "I love you suit." "How are you, Mrs. Tate?" "Okay." "I brought you some food." "I know you can't eat the stuff they got here." "Oh, thank you, Benson." "That's very nice of you." "Mm-hmm." "Are you okay?" "I'm fine." "You sure?" "Yes." "Positive?" "No." "I'm scared, Benson." "I mean, every once in a while it just kind of hits me:" "I'm on my way to the big home for a..." "House." "House." "Big house." "You're right." "Yeah, for a murder I did not commit." "I mean, me, Benson." "This is not Barbara Feldon in that movie of the week..." "Eden, Barbara Eden." "Right." "And here I am, and it isn't a movie, and it isn't Barbara Eden in the slam, but me." "Slammer." "Time's up." "Well, guess we'd better say goodbye, Benson." "Yeah, I guess." "Goodbye, Benson." "Oh, Benson..." "Not you." "You've got to be strong." "I mean, if you fall apart, there's not going to be anybody left." "Yeah." "I'll see you soon." "Goodbye, Benson." "Goodbye, Mrs. Tate." "Now, you promised." "Be nice." "Hey, of course I'm gonna be nice to her." "What do you think your mother is?" "I wouldn't be nice to the girl you're gonna marry?" "Oh..." "Dearie, I made some paté." "I hope you like it." "Most people claim that they spit the paté out in France, once they've tasted mine." "But what do they know in East Orange, right?" "Honey, get me some napkins." "Oh, what a lovely dress." "Oh." "Ooh, that's lovely." "It's very lovely." "You've ruined my life, you slut!" "I hate you!" "Oh, that paté should lodge in your windpipe!" "Oh, you have ruined my life!" "Hey, Ma!" "I'm sorry." "Oh..." "I lost my head." "Oh, I'm sorry." "I don't know what came over me." "I have a kidney infection." "Maybe that's it." "Oh, all that poison circulating in my body." "Oh, honey, I'm sorry." "Are you all right?" "[CROAKING] Yeah, I'm fine." "Oh." "So..." "I still don't know very much about you, except what I've heard around... that your mother is an adultress, and your father's an embezzler, and you bimbo, you've probably had more men" "than the whole Marine corp!" "You have ruined my life!" "You..." "Ma!" "Ma!" "[GRUNTING]" "You want my blessing?" "Is that what you came for?" "I'll give you my blessing." "This is my blessing." "May you never have a happy moment again for the rest of your life." "And if you marry, may you know no such thing as peace and quiet." "May you only know hardship and suffering and loss, and may you know that, to your dying day, whatever misfortunes happen are on your heads!" "[SLAMS DOOR]" "I can't believe it." "Neither can I." "Actually, she took it better than I thought." "Hello, hello..." "Jess..." "How are you doing?" "You look beautiful." "Oh, thank you." "How are you, darling?" "Well, I'm a little nervous." "I mean, after all, it isn't every day that a girl gets sentenced." "Hear, ye." "Hear, ye." "This court is now in session, the Honorable Anthony Petrillo presiding." "Everybody..." "Everybody, please stand." "[GAVEL BANGS]" "Be seated." "Will the defendant please rise?" "He just told me to be seated." "Now, Mrs. Tate, you have been found guilty of murder in the first degree." "Have you anything to say before I pronounce sentence?" "Yes." "I didn't do this." "I'm innocent." "But... if the person is here who did it, please, help me." "[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]" "All right, I'm going to close my eyes now..." "Nobody will be embarrassed." "Well, there doesn't seem to be a great traffic jam to the bench, so I'll go on." "Mrs. Tate, you have what some people would perceive as certain advantages:" "you are white, and you are rich." "If the sentence is light, the court will be besieged with complaints from the poor and black." "Therefore, in order not to appear prejudiced, and to be fair in the writing of a sentence," "I've ignored the fact that you are white and rich and have pretended that you are poor and black." "I sentence you to 50 years in prison, eligible for parole in 25 years." "I object, Your Honor." "This sentence is unfair and excessive." "Objection overruled." "Court is adjourned." "[♪]" "Wait!" "Wait, everybody." "She didn't do it!" "[GAVEL BANGING] Order in the court!" "Mr. Tate, what are you talking about?" "I did it." "[GALLEY GASPS]" "Isn't he sweet?" "No, I really did it." "Mr. Tate, that was a very nice gesture." "Now, sit down." "It wasn't a gesture." "I murdered Peter Campbell." "Mr. Tate, the jury convicted Mrs. Tate." "I don't care." "I killed Peter Campbell." "And I can prove it." "[♪]" "Jessica..." "I hope you can understand." "Understand?" "How can I understand, Chester?" "I mean," "I was in jail for what I thought would be at least a lifetime, away from my family and away from home." "I find out that my husband set me up, and you hope that I can understand?" "Well, Chester," "I just don't understand how you can expect me to understand." "No, you're right." "I can't expect you to." "All I know is, Jess, and I swear it..." "I don't remember anything of what I did." "I guess it was so horrible that I blocked it out somehow." "Not only do I not remember it," "I still don't know why I did it, and I only remembered it when the pot fell on my head." "A pot fell on your head?" "Well, that's a long story, Jess." "Chester, are you asking me to believe that you killed someone, made it look like I did it, and you don't remember a thing about what you did until a pot fell on your head?" "I guess that is asking a lot." "I love you, Jess." "Hello, everybody." "See?" "I told you" "I wouldn't lose this case." "Listen, I've got to hand it to you, Tate." "It was really big of you the way you spoke up." "Really big." "BAILIFF:" "Time's up, Tate." "Let's go." "Chester..." "I'll see you tomorrow." "I can't believe it." "In one fell swoop, all our problems are over." "You're out, he's in." "You must handle his appeal." "That's a good idea." "That way, he'll never get out." "What do you mean?" "What mean is, darling," "I'll make sure he stays in prison forever." "And then it's you and me, just you and me." "I don't believe it!" "Neither do I. It's such incredible luck!" "Get out!" "Just..." "Get out!" "Okay." "You've got a lot on your mind right now." "I'll tell you what." "I'll call you later." "See you, baby." "What are you doing?" "It's 3:00 in the morning." "I can't sleep." "I'm making spaghetti." "Spaghetti?" "You couldn't make something simple?" "The refrigerator's full of fruit." "I'm really in the mood for spaghetti." "You want to talk about it?" "Spaghetti?" "What's bothering you, Billy?" "Oh, nothing." "My dad killed someone and framed my mom, but aside from that, everything's fine." "Listen, I'm not crazy about your father." "You know that." "In fact, I think I'd be the last person in the world to say anything nice about him." "But I got to say this:" "he did confess." "He didn't let her fry." "Big deal." "So he's an honest murderer." "What are you doing up?" "It's 3:00 in the morning." "We're making spaghetti." "We are not making spaghetti." "You are making spaghetti." "In the middle of the night?" "What are you, crazy?" "Well, what are you doing?" "I'm making something to eat." "What is this?" ""Making something to eat."" "The refrigerator's full of fruit." "I don't want fruit." "I'm making chocolate mousse." "I thought you were on a diet." "I am making dietetic chocolate mousse." ""Dietetic chocolate mousse." Right." "How do you make dietetic chocolate mousse?" "It's easy." "You make chocolate mousse, and then you don't eat it." "You're not going to eat it?" "Not all of it." "Anyway, what do I care?" "I'm too upset to care what I eat." "So I gain 200 pounds?" "My father killed someone, set up my mother, and I'm gonna count calories?" "Look at this one." "She's so upset, she's not even cooking." "What are you eating?" "I don't know." "I think it's chili." "You're eating cold chili?" "I don't care." "I'm too upset to care." "You know, some people, when they're upset, can't eat a thing." "I wish I was one of those." "So do I." "I can't believe it." "It's like a nightmare." "Daddy killed somebody." "He's a murderer." "Our father is a murderer." "Well, strange people do strange things, and your father's certainly a strange man, so, you know..." "He's a murderer, Benson." "I just wonder if it's hereditary, you know, like, if it's in the genes." "Like, I've already inherited a little asthma and a large chest." "The idea of murder doesn't thrill me." "Hey, it could be worse." "You could be her." "She has a lot of asthma and a little chest." "Oh!" "Everyone's up." "Well, I..." "I just thought that I'd come down and make something to eat." "Have some fruit." "No, I don't think so." "I think I'm going to make my own snack." "Well, what are you doing?" "Me?" "I'm in the mood for turkey." "But it's frozen." "Well, it'll thaw out when I cook it." "Yeah, in about two days." "Oh, well, I wanted something to eat before then." "Well, have some fruit." "No, I don't want any fruit." "You're really pushing the fruit." "Well, it's just that I buy it and nobody eats it." "In a few days, I open the refrigerator and it's full of little brown, furry, wrinkled things." "Billy, did you put your hamsters in the refrigerator?" "Rotten fruit is in the refrigerator." "Rotten fruit?" "Benson, you mustn't buy rotten fruit." "Well, on second thought," "I don't think I'll eat anything." "I lost my appetite." "Guess you're all waiting for me to say something." "I'm waiting for you to give me the turkey." "I don't know what to say except that, no matter what," "I still love your father." "But, Ma, he killed somebody and he framed you." "Well, it certainly does look that way." "Oh, I wish I were Donna Reed." "I mean, Donna Reed would have something wonderful to say." "Or even Shirley Jones, for that matter." "She'd have something just as good to say, and maybe even fresh-baked cookies." "Or Loretta Young." "Of course, she wouldn't have anything wonderful to say, but she would make a stunning entrance." "Well, I'm going to make a stunning exit." "Good night." "Good night, Benson." "I just don't believe that it's as simple as it seems." "I mean, I don't believe that you live half your life with a man and not really know him." "Your father is a good man." "You all loved him when he was here for birthdays and Christmas." "You loved him when he took you to the ballet... when he bought you your first tie... you loved him when he taught you to swim and drive the car." "Remember?" "I mean, you all loved him all those years that he was here for you." "I just think that if you really love your father, you'll love him now." "22,996." "22,997." "22,998." "22,999." "23,000." "It's Thursday." "I can't go on like this." "I can't go on being alone like this." "That's why I have to keep talking to myself." "Oh, if only a bird would fly in to keep me company." "It would be so nice." "I remember how it helped Burt Lancaster." "Roommate, Tate." "Oh, thank God." "Somebody to talk to." "Hello." "Welcome." "Oh, you don't know how happy I am to see you." "You just don't know how happy I am." "Shut up." "Oh, well, yes, of course." "I'm sorry." "You're not happy to be here." "That's terrible of me to say that I'm happy that you're here." "You see, what I mean is..." "Uh..." "Oh, excuse me, that's mine." "Not anymore, it ain't." "Ah, yes." "I see." "Well, what will I shave with?" "Every morning," "I'll rub your face against the wall." "You'll rub my face against the wall?" "Oh." "Oh, I see." "They've given me a funny roommate." "I like that." "You'll rub my face against the w..." "I want that tooth." "The gold one." "Open up." "You mean mine?" "My gold tooth?" "Mine?" "You're a funny fellow." "I like your sense of humor." "What do you expect me to do?" "Rip it out?" "Right." "What are you in for?" "Murder." "I'm wanted in 10 states." "Murder?" "Oh, my God!" "Who did they put me in with?" "Guard!" "Guard!" "What are you in here for?" "Huh?" "Murder." "Ho, ho, ho!" "[LAUGHING]" "What's so funny?" "Murder." "You?" "That's right." "What did you do?" "Bore somebody to death?" "Yeah..." "Aah!" "What's so funny?" "You." "Oh, no." "Not you." "No, no." "Uh, what you said." "That cute little thing you said about my being boring." "You laugh when I tell you to laugh, you understand?" "All right." "Entertain me." "Dance." "I beg your pardon?" "Dance." "Dance?" "You mean..." "La-de-da dance?" "I mean dance now or you're going to have trouble walking later." "Oh, yes, dance, dance." "That kind of dance." "Uh..." "Well, I may be a little rusty." "What would you like?" "Tap?" "Ballet?" "A little Martha Graham, maybe?" "I can't dance." "I can't just dance." "I..." "I need music." "Sing." "♪ Picture you upon my knee ♪" "♪ Tea for two And two for tea ♪" "Don't touch me." "Who?" "You lay one finger on me, and I'll break it off." "What?" "Coming home at 4 in the morning." "I was working." "Really?" "What are you, a night watchman?" "Dumb." "Uh, Mary, uh, what are you talking about?" "What am I talking about?" "What am I talking about?" "I will tell you what I'm talking about." "I am talking about all these weeks we haven't made love because you've been working until 4:00 in the morning." "And I was stupid enough to believe it." "Well, now I know what you've really been doing till 4:00 in the morning, Burt." "I figured it out, and it's not work." "What is it?" "You don't know?" "No." "How can you not know?" "You're the one that's doing it." "Doing what?" "Having an affair." "I am?" "Yes." "With who?" "I don't know who." "Well, I mean, am I having a good time?" "Why can't you just admit it?" "Because it's not true, Mary." "Good night, Mary." "You are going to sleep?" "Yes." "You have got some nerve, you know that?" "You kill my husband, you become impotent, then you become invisible and get yourself committed." "I stand by you through all of that, and as soon as you get better, you go out and have an affair." "Oh yeah?" "Oh yeah?" "Well, if I'm out having an affair till 4:00 in the morning, why, when I get home, do I wake you up to make love?" "Come on, why in the world would I do that?" "To trick me." "Uh, that's..." "Good night, Mary." "It's just like the married man who was having an affair and had to... to eat two dinners every night, one with his mistress and one with his wife." "Of course, he became a fat slob, and they both dumped him." "Served him right." "Wake up, Burt!" "What are you doing?" "I'm sleeping downstairs." "Why?" "Because I'm getting mad." "You can't be mad." "What do you mean I can't be mad?" "You're the one that's having the affair." "I'm the one that's mad." "Uh, you, Mary, are a dope." "Oh!" "That's what you are." "A real dope." "First of all, I'm not having an affair." "I am not having an affair, nor do I want to have an affair." "And if I was having an affair," "I would be a hell of a lot smarter than to have it at 4:00 in the morning and tell you I was working." "I'd have my affair at a totally different time of day, a time of day when you wouldn't be suspicious, and I wouldn't be so sleepy." "Yeah, I have been coming home at 4:00 in the morning, Mary, because I've been killing myself working to make a better life for us." "That's what I've been doing." "All day, I'm up in the girders supervising every job." "At night I'm in the office, uh-huh, doing paper work." "I got bills, payrolls, invoices..." "Uh, don't cry, Mary, like you always do when I'm mad so I'll stop yelling, because it's not going to work." "[SNIFFLES]" "[MOANS] Yeow!" "I knew it." "I hate it." "I can't help it." "I've been so upset about everything..." "Danny, Jodie, the Tates." "I..." "I don't know what to think anymore, and that's why..." "[SNIFFLES]" "Oh..." "Blow your nose." "[SNIFFS]" "[GROANS] Blow out, Mary, not in." "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry I said all those terrible things, but... everyone else I love is either in jail or getting out of jail or getting married or moving out and so..." "I figured why not you too." "I mean, every time you look at me," "I am crying." "I'm not exactly the most enchanting woman in the world these days." "You are to me." "How can I be?" "Because I love you." "I don't know why." "Oh..." "You..." "You don't know why?" "You?" "You blow your nose in instead of out." "You pull all the covers over to your side when you sleep." "You take food off my plate, and you have never, ever, ironed one of my shirts correctly." "And I think that that's all adorable." "If I didn't love you," "I would have divorced you by now." "And that's how I know." "I just love you." "Burt..." "I'm a dope." "I love you." "I iron your shirts terrible?" "Yeah." "It's all right." "No, no." "I want the truth." "I do an awful job?" "Yeah, Mary, it's really terrible." "Shirts are not so easy." "I know." "They have collars." "Did you know that?" "You should try ironing the collars..." "It's all right." "Mary, stop, don't." "We'll send the shirts out." "[FEEBLY] ♪ You start to bake A sugar cake ♪" "♪ For me to take For all the boys to see... ♪" "Tate." "[LOUDER] ♪ We will raise a family ♪" "♪ A boy for you ♪" "♪ A girl for me ♪" "♪ Can't you see How happy we will be?" "♪" "Jess." "Chester." "It's so nice to see you enjoying prison life." "I mean, there I was at home worried sick about him, and here he is singing and dancing." "I brought you some food." "If I'd known you had a roommate," "I would have brought more." "Oh, that's okay." "He's not having any." "Oh?" "Why?" "Upset stomach." "Oh, dear." "[WHISPERS] They put me in with a killer." "Well, of course they did, dear." "I imagine they do it like computer dating." "You two have a great deal in common." "Jess, I'm not a killer." "Now, Chester, I know you don't think of yourself as a killer." "I'm sure you consider yourself primarily a stockbroker." "Nonetheless, Chester..." "I..." "I did kill Peter." "There's no denying that." "It's just... it's all so confusing." "I know it is, dear." "And we know there's more to this than meets the eye, and I want you to know, Chester, we're all standing by you." "Thank you, Jess." "Now, while you're here," "I want you to volunteer for work in the prison laundry." "The laundry?" "Mm." "That way you'll come out with a skill." "You see, darling, when you do get out," "I think the idea of going back to Wall Street is out of the question." "Time's up." "Oh, dear." "Goodbye." "I'll see you next week." "Ta." "You can forget about seeing her next week." "What do you mean?" "You ain't gonna be here next week." "Oh, no." "Oh, no." "Please don't." "Oh, please, I beg you." "No...." "Get up off your knees, Tate, for God's sake." "I can't believe you're in here for murder." "Listen." "Tomorrow, I'm escaping." "You are?" "I'll miss you." "You're coming with me, Tate, as a shield." "This way, when they start shooting at me," "I got you to put in front of me." "I'm not going." "You are." "I'll tell the guard." "[MOCKING] I'll tell the guard." "You're coming with me, Tate!" "I am not." "You are too." "No way." "You're coming, Tate." "Absolutely not." "Then I'll kill you." "When do we leave?" "[DOORBELL RINGS]" "Hi." "Well, did you see Elaine?" "Yeah." "I did everything you told me to." "Exactly like we rehearsed?" "You know it." "You told her that you were impotent?" "Right." "I told her that, uh, I had this family disease, and I finally just caught it the other day, and that is she wanted to marry me, she'd have absolutely nothing to look forward to" "in the bed department." "Great." "So what happened?" "[SIGHS] Girl knows a lot of tricks." "Danny." "She took me by surprise." "So now we have to pick out presents for the ushers." "Yeah." "Hey, why should I worry?" "I mean at the rate she's got me going," "I won't live to see October." "I gotta go to work." "I'll see you later." "All right." "Give my love to Mom." "Yeah." "Oh, did I just miss a very popular sports figure?" "It happened to have been Danny." "Really?" "You mean it wasn't the Rose Bowl Queen?" "Carol, what is it with you?" "Nothing." "I just had no idea that when we took an apartment together it would be like living in the Continental baths." "Carol, I've had it with you." "We had an arrangement." "I told you I was going to live my own life." "I know." "Look it, I'm sorry." "It's just that I never see you." "I saw more of you when we weren't living together." "Jodie, I just miss you, that's all." "I miss spending time with you." "Please, don't be mad." "Listen, how about I apologize by fixing us a really terrific dinner tonight?" "I'll fix your favorite meal, okay?" "What's your favorite meal?" "Or we could go out, if you'd rather go out." "My treat, okay?" "Oh, or I could cook." "Whatever." "Uh, I can't tonight." "Oh." "Oh, okay." "Sure." "Some other time, then." "Another night." "There's lots of nights." "Carol, is something wrong?" "No." "No." "You're sure?" "Right." "Sure." "Okay." "I've got to get dressed." "Carol, uh... you're sure nothing's wrong?" "I am positive there is nothing wrong." "There's nothing wrong, nothing at all." "I'm just..." "pregnant with your child." "And now, coming attractions of Soap." "[WHISPERS] Go ahead." "Jump, Tate." "After you." "Okay." "I always thought I'd love the girl I married." "I always thought the girl you married would be a little like me, but Elaine..." "She's a pig." "Hey, you're very pretty." "Listen, you..." "If you came up here intending to rape me, let me tell you right now it's not gonna be any fun at all because I'll spit in your face." "How do you two guys like working together?" "Oh, it's terrific." "Great." "Sure." "One's got a flea brain." "The invisible man's got none at all." "[YELPING]" "Father Tim, what are you doing here?" "I'm getting married." "Didn't you know, Father?" "You mean priests can marry now?" "I don't believe this." "Don't sit!" "Don't sit!" "Uh, Sally?" "Ah..." "Uh, Sally..." "what are you doing back there?" "Nothing." "That's a nice touch." "A real nice touch." "A little hair massage and a..." "Ooh..." "That's nice..." "Whoo!" "Oh, hey, ho!" "What about sex?" "Carol, I promise you that if we get married," "I'll never touch another man again." "Jodie is going to be a father." "Dennis is pregnant?" "All this and much more in future episodes of..." "Soap is videotaped before a studio audience." "[♪]"