"Wow, this baby name book is really great." "Oh, here's a pretty one:" "Clitorissa." "That's "Clarissa"." "Oh, well, that's just gross." "Hey, guys." "Sorry I'm late." "Grace, that's for you." "Oh, my God." "It's the Bugaboo Gecko Suspension Stroller." "It's a knock-off." "I got it from the evidence locker." "But don't touch the inside." "I still got to dust it for prints and scrape it for a blood match." "Thanks, Vince..." "It's the first gift I've ever received that was part of a crime scene." "Second." "Anyway." "We're done here, right?" "Because I'm meeting my sister Ginny for lunch, and I'm running late." "Did you" " Did you just say sister?" "Yeah." "I have lunch with Gin every Thursday." "What's the big?" "Maybe the fact that you have never mentioned that you have a sister?" "Yeah, I think I have, Grace." "What do you think I'm talking about when I say, "Boy, do I love Gin"?" "Or, "I can't get through the day without Gin."" "Or, "That Gin gave me such a headache last night."" "I couldn't have been more clear." "Sheesh." "Next thing you know, you'll tell me you've never heard me mention my brother-in-law, Johnny Walker." "Hey, look, I didn't want to say anything in front of Jack and Karen, but," "I know what I'm going to name the baby..." "George." "After my dad?" "No, after the curious monkey." "And by that I mean our President." "Your dad..." "He meant a lot to both of us, and I just thought it would be really nice if we honored him." "Wow." "I am so touched, but" "Are you sure you're comfortable doing that when you haven't even told Leo yet?" "Yes." "Look." "I dont even know how Leo is going to fit in the picture." "I mean, Lord knows I've tried to get in touch with him." "He's getting married." "So, essentially, it's just you and me." "And I want us to name him George." "Thank you." "I love that." "Uh, what if it's a girl?" "Oh, I guess Boy George." "Ah, Smitty...." "I think I'll have a martini." "I'm meeting my sister for lunch today." "I had a sister." "But when the tornado came, we'd already boarded up the cellar door." "She hung on to the pick-up as long as she could..." "We found her top of the school." "Ha!" "Smitty!" "What a story!" "I can just see her going 'round and 'round." "Now I'm in the mood for something blended." "Go on." "Oh..." "Anyway..." "Ginny had an accident when we were children." "I mean, nothing funny like your family, but..." "You know, some people could have gotten very bitter, but... not Gin." "No." "She's a brave gal." "Just soldiers on as if nothing happened." "Stop staring at me!" "What are you all looking at?" "!" "The freak whose left leg is three-eights of an inch shorter than the right?" "Gin, please, if they were looking at anyone, it was me." "My boob popped out just before you got here." "Apparently, it stayed out for quite some time." "I only realized it when Smitty lifted it to get his tip." "At least your boob doesn't to wear an orthotic." "Well, uh..." "Listen, Gin." "You know how I've been supporting you for all these years?" "If you can call three hundred thousand dollars a month support." "For the sake of argument, let's say we can." "Now that Stanley and I are getting a divorce," "I'm afraid that I won't be able to send you those checks anymore." "I'm sorry." "Say that again." "I didn't hear you because one of my legs is shorter than the other." "You're such a pessimist, Gin." "Why not say, "One of my legs is freakishly long"?" "Hey, look who it is." "Hi, Kare." "This must be your sister, Virginia." "Yes." "Uh, Virginia, you remember me mentioning my friend, Jack." "Wow." "The resemblance is uncanny." "Meaning, both of you have huge cans." "I don't know, but something's different about you." "From the way you're sitting," "I'd say one of your legs is slightly shorter than the other." "I knew a guy like that once." "He died." "Hey, come on, get out of here." "We're having a private family discussion." "Well, I'm family." "Nothing would interest me more than-- Sweet Home Alabama, it's Josh Lucas!" "Here." "Let me know how that works out for you." "Oh, my God, I'm such a huge fan, I love your work." "Okay, who do you think I am?" "Josh Lucas." "Then thank you." "That's the first time today." "I've had three Matthew McConaugheys, two Aaron Eckharts, and a Thomas Jane, whoever that is." "Oh, I know you." "You're Jack McFarland." "You play Chuck Rafferty on "The Badge."" "Why, I am and I do." "But how would you know that?" "It hasn't aired yet." "Yeah, I was up for that part." "I'd do anything to get out of big-budget features and in to basic cable." "I heard you blew everybody away, though." "That's the story they're telling?" "Hey, we're having a premiere party tomorrow night." "Why don't you come on by?" "Sure." "Should I bring my girlfriend?" "If by "girlfriend" you mean "open mind to experimenting," then yes." "Karen, If you think you're going to cut me off, think again, since we both know how I ended up like this." "It was an accident!" " Was it?" " Gin, Please!" "Stop begging." "No, I was ordering." "Gin, Please!" "Please, you have to forgive me." "I have no other choice." "The question is can you forgive yourself for casting me out after leaving me so hideously deformed?" "Unable to dance..." "To skip..." "To read." "Why can't you read?" "Eh, I don't want to." "Okay, ready?" "One, two, three." "Surprise." "Wow." "An empty room." "Is the surprise that you're just not good at surprises?" "Remember that stroller I got from that drug gang?" "Turns out this is where they had their meth lab." "Wow." "This has been a fascinating edition of "NYPD Cribs"...." "Why are we here?" "Because I want us to live together." "Why are you such a bitch all the time?" "You want to move in together?" "Yeah, I want us to buy this place together." "I can get it for a great deal." "Yeah." "It's got three bedrooms, a back yard." "Look." "Right now they're using it for" "Just don't look in the back yard right now." "So what do you say?" "I say nothing would make me happier than to turn this humble little drug den into our home." "I love you, Will." "I love you." " Is that a basement?" " Yeah, don't go down there." "Wow." "You really went all out for Jack's premiere party." "I love that you put the posters up of "The Badge."" "Wait." "Does that say "The Vadge"?" "Yeah..." "That's the last time that I place an order with Kinko's over the phone." "You know, maybe I should have said "B as in Boy" instead of "B as in Bagina"." "Yeah." "It's unfortunate that the show's tagline is," ""Go deep inside a hidden world that few dare to enter."" "Oh, my God, you guys." "You're never gonna guess who's here." "Me!" "I heard rumors that I wasn't going to show, but I'm really here." "Thanks for my party, Karen, I really love it." "Oh, honey, it was my pleasure." "And it was easy." "You know, I didn't even have to invite any of your friends, because they were already coming." " Say hello, boys." " Hi, Jack." "Hey, Dalton." "Hey, Mario." "Thanks for coming to my big opening." "Did that sound wierd?" "Thanks for making my opening so big." "DALTON:" "We wouldn't miss it, Jack." "MARIO:" "We're so proud of you." "I can't believe that puffy queen got a TV show." "I thought they cancelled "Fat Actress."" "You tell Grace the good news." "I gotta go tell Jack something that happened at work today that'll make a great episode on "The Badge"." "Check it out." "We actually had a stake out at a steak house." "Come on, you can't make that crap up." "What's the news?" "Vince and I found a place." "It is a beautiful brownstone in Harlem... and we're going to buy it!" " Oh, my God." "R-Really?" " Yeah, it's perfect." "It's even got one of those ironing boards that fold down from the wall." "Oh..." "A gay white man ironing in his Harlem brownstone." "I can't wait for the neighbors to drop by." "You know, to beat the piss out of me." "So, you're moving." "Grace." "We're all moving." "I figured the third floor would be just for you and the baby." "Really?" "Oh, my God." "This is so exciting." "I just wanna say thank you for being here tonight." "It really means a lot to me, and I know I've never said this to you before, but..." "I love you." "That means the world to me." "I love you, too." "What?" "Oh, no, I wasn't talking to you, dear." "I was looking at myself in the reflection of your sunglasses to see what I'll look like when I talk to Josh Lucas." "I'm so tired of falling in love with gay men." "Hey." "Glad you could make it, J-Lu." "Hello, everyone." "What are you all staring at?" "Me?" "Because I'm hideous?" "Well, all right." "Let's get it out in the open." "I've got a bum leg and I'm Karen's sister." "Uh, Gin." "What a surprise." "What are you doing here?" "Didn't I tell you?" "I'm moving in." "Since you refuse to continue with my meager monthly payments, this is all I can afford." "Now." "Let's talk about ramps." "What's she bitchin' about?" "I got an uncle who lost a forehead in a towing accident." "He's gotta wear a special hat to keep his brains in." "Gosh, Gin, I'm not sure about you moving in." "It might make Rosie feel very uncomfortable." "She prides herself on being the toughest thing to look at around here." "Do you hear that, everyone?" "My own sister is throwing me out on the street." "And after what she did to me." "Gin, please!" "Thanks." "Gin, please!" "What?" "Are you afraid everyone will find out how you destroyed my life?" "It was a crisp, fall day." "The country was still in shock over the assasination of the President." "Okay, I'm 90% sure she's talking about Kennedy or Garfield." "Father had just brought home a new game called croquet." "Could be Garfield." "Could be Lincoln." "But Karen wanted to play Twister." "Kennedy." "Yes, I wanted to play Twister." "And I'm so sorry." "If there was any way I could take it back, I would." "I mean, I'd still want to play." "It's such a fun game." "But I would play on a smooth surface, as recommended on the box." "Where exactly did you play?" "The rickety old saw mill that juts out over the falls." "Tell them, Karen." "Tell them what happened when you called, "Right foot, red."" "They all know!" "You leap, you stretch, you balance, you twist." "You try it once, you'll get the gist." "But I didn't get the gist, did I?" "No." "You fell." "Through a rotted floor board." "And broke my ankle." "It healed badly and I never danced again." "You danced?" "You bet your fat, pregnant ass I danced." "Okay, now I see the family resemblance." "I could have been on Broadway." "You should have seen my moves." "But because of her, I can't do that anymore!" "Oh, God, what I wouldn't give to see her dance one more time." "I know." "The big drama at the Poseidon premiere party was when Richard Dreyfuss karaoked the theme from Jaws and bit Goldie Hawn on the head." "Hilarious!" "Kiss me." " What?" " Nothing." "Geez." "Family?" "I tell you, my oldest sister's a nut, too." "If she ever asks, we don't have that third bedroom upstairs." "Well, we don't." "That bedroom's for Grace." "Oh, yeah." "Well, of course." "When she visits she can stay over." "Vince, Grace is going to be living with us." "With the baby." "What are you talking about?" "When did this happen?" "Well, where did you think they were gonna be?" "I don't know." "I didn't think it was going to be in our home." "I made a commitment to her." "You know that." "Yeah, but I didn't think you committed us to living with her." "Well, how else am I going to raise the baby with her?" "I just assumed you were okay with this." "I'm not sure I am." "Okay everybody." "The show's about to start, alright." "And remember you guys, one day, this could be you." "But it's not today." "So keep clearing." "ANNOUNCER ON TV:" "Tonight on "The Badge"..." ""JACK":" "Okay, scumbag." "This is the end of the road, and you're out of gas." "I'm Chuck Rafferty." "And this is the last stop on this train." "Check the overhead bins before I punch your ticket." "Oh, my God." "That's not my voice." "I've been dubbed!" "Why would anybody dub my voice?" "!" "I thought I might find you here." "What happened to the door?" "I'm a detective." "I picked the lock." "It's in two pieces." "Yeah, I can't pick locks." "I missed work the day they showed us because my skin was really dry." "Look, I know I sprung the whole Grace thing on you, but we can work this out." "How, Will?" "You've committed to raising a baby with her." "How is this gonna work out?" "I know it's an odd situation, but I'm" " I'm good with odd situations." "Like in high school, when all the guys were talking about what they'd like to do to Cheryl Tiegs." "I said, "Braid her hair wet, make her sleep on it, and use a volumizer in the morning." "Then nail her." See." "If I can make that work, I can make this work." "Will." "I'm an old-fashioned homosexual." "Okay?" "To me, family is two guys, some mid-century furniture, and a baby that doesn't look like either one of us." "We can have all that." "We can have both." "No, we can't." "What if our life takes us somewhere else?" "Will, what if we have to move to Seattle because of my eczema?" "How bad is your skin?" "You know what I'm saying." "Well, I guess we wouldn't go." "I mean, how-- how could we?" "I'm basically going to be this baby's father." "Grace needs me." "I need you." "When are you going to stop playing house with this woman?" "That is not what I'm doing." "When are you going to be happy living a life with just me?" "Are you asking me to choose?" "I'm afraid to, Will, because..." "I think I already know the answer." "Mo is me." "Hey, guys." "Don't worry, Jack." "No one could tell you were dubbed." "Really, Dalton?" "Absolutely." "I hope so, but I don't know." "People are smarter than you think." "You mind if I sit down?" "I'm so embarrassed to have you see me like this, Josh Lucas." "I mean, our careers were nearly identical until now." "It's like you're Matt Damon, and I'm Ben Affleck and I just made Gigli." "Or Paycheck." "Or Bounce." "Or Jersey Girl." "Or Surviving Christmas." "Look." "You have nothing to be ashamed of." "You wouldn't understand." "No, look, I understand better than you think." "Let me let you in on a little secret." "This is my real voice." "I've been dubbed my entire career." "But how is that possible?" "I've heard you talk." "You sound fine." "Well, that because I've spent years taking voice lessons to sound like this." "It's just that it's really hard for me to sustain for a long period of time." "Time, time, time." "Come on, lock it in, Josh." "Lock it in." "But..." "You're so manly." "I know." "But all the top leading men are dubbed." "Really?" "Well, what about the bottoms?" "Rosie." "It looks like my sister is going to be staying with us for a while, and I don't want her to feel self-conscious, so, run off to the tool shed and shave three-eighths of an inch of the bottom of your foot." "You let that woman walk unevenly all over you." "It's time you told her the truth." "I can't!" "You can't because you're weak!" "Oh, yeah?" "Does this feel weak to you?" "You know what, Rosie?" "Maybe you're right." "Maybe I should tell her. what would I do widout my widdle Wo-Wo?" "I've got to stop falling in love with straight women." "What are you all looking at?" "Not used to seeing somebody like me without a two-headed chicken and boy with lobster hands nearby?" "It's just you and me, honey." "Oh." "Well, in that case..." "Wanna get a pizza and watch "Family Guy"?" "Sit down, Gin." "I need to talk to you about your accident." "Karen." "You know I don't like to talk about that." "I know, honey." "But this is important." "It wasn't an accident." "I loosened that floor board underneath the Twister game... because I was jealous of you." "You were always daddy's favorite." "He never even noticed me." "He was always taking you to dance lessons and singing lessons." "I had to stay home with Mom and learn how to bartend." "Oh, Gin." "Can you ever forgive me for what I did to you?" "I can... because I also have a confession to make." "You didn't cause my accident." "Karen..." "I didn't fall on "right foot, red." I fell on "left hand, green."" " What?" " That's right." "I loosened that floor board so you'd fall through." "I just got so caught up in the game, I forgot." "Oh." "It's easy to get caught up." "You spin the spinner and call your spot." "Twister will tie you up in a knot." "And it's the perfect way to get rid of the sister that..." "I was always jealous of." "You were always popular, and easy going, and all the boys loved you." "Well, honey, if they did like me more than you, it was only because I was kind and I listened, and I let them bang me under the bleachers while their friends watched." "See, I always freeze up in a crowd." "So, all these years, we both felt bad for nothing." "And now we can be closer than ever." "Aw, I'd like that." "Will?" "Will?" "!" "What?" "What is it?" "Are you okay?" "You're never going to believe what just happened." "I was on my way home from Dunkin' Donuts, and I stopped into McDonald's because I was starving." " And then I ran into..." " A Jenny Craig?" "The guy who was Leo's best man at our wedding." "Remember?" "You said he was going to come out in two years." "You were wrong, he went home with Jack that night." "Anyway, he told that Leo called off his engagement with Kate." "No, "huh"." "Great!" "Now" " Now he's single, and I know how to find him." "What" " What, so have you called him yet?" "Oh, no, no, no." "I don't want to call him." "I mean, at this point, I don't think that this is something that I want to explain over the phone." "So, I'm just going to get on the first flight to Rome." "Rome?" "Oh, yeah, huh." "Hello." "That's where he's living now." "He got some sort of research job at a hospital there." "Wait, wait, wait." "You're going to Rome?" "Is it even safe for you to fly?" "Oh, yeah, yeah." "I'm good for-- I've got a few more weeks." "Well, you're not going to be there for weeks." " Probably not." " "Probably" not?" "Well, I guess it, uh, depends on how it goes with Leo." "Wait." "So, you find out Leo cancelled his wedding, and you're on a plane to Rome within minutes?" "And you may be there for a while." "Is that what you're telling me?" "I know it sounds crazy." "But I know that he is still in love with me." "Why else would he have called off his wedding?" "I gotta go." "I've got to find out for sure." "Beyond that, I don't" " I don't know what's going to happen." "Well, uh..." "How 'bout this?" "You go tell Leo that you're pregnant, then you fly back to New York, where we raise this baby together." "Like we planned." "What are you doing?" "Why are-- Why are you being like this?" "Wh" " I'm just trying to catch up, because suddenly, you're living in Rome with Leo and our baby." "Our baby?" "Well." "Yeah." "The one you're naming after my father." "Remember?" "Isn't that the way you told me to think about this child?" "I" " I know I have but, I mean, it's just" "I know, it's just that Leo, the guy who cheated you, is suddenly available, and you're gonna go running after him like some pathetic school girl!" "Do you have any idea what I have sacrificed for you and this baby?" "!" "Sacrificed?" "What?" "What do you mean?" "I just broke up with Vince!" "What?" "!" "Oh, my God, why?" "Because I wouldn't put him before my commitment to you." "It was the hardest thing I've ever done, but I did it." "For you!" "Well, who asked you to?" "Excuse me?" "Will." "Don't we" " Don't we want each other to be happy?" "I mean, if Vince makes you happy, you never should have left him." "And if I have a possibility of being happy with Leo, you should want that for me, instead of making me feel guilty about wanting a relationship with the real father of my child." "Well, tell me this, Grace..." "If Leo cancelled his wedding for you, why hasn't he called?" "I can not believe you are doing this to me again!" "We're going to have a baby together, then Leo shows up, and I'm out of the picture." "You know what?" "An hour ago, I put you first." "Why was I stupid enough to think that you would ever do the same for me?" "!" "Will, I am not choosing between the two of you." "Look." "Okay, okay." "Listen." "We just need to breathe and just calm down here, okay?" "Nothing has even happened." "Let's just..." "let's just start over, okay?" "Okay." "Answer me this." "If you're Rome, raising this baby with Leo..." "Where am I?" "I don't know."