"(barking orders)" "PALMER:" "Don't worry, Sarge." "They're not gonna start" "without the best man." "Best man-- that's all I needed." "3,000 guys on this post, he had to pick on me." "DOBERMAN:" "Hey, Sarge, here are your shoes." "I put new laces in them." "Oh, thank you very much." "I'll see that you get a medal for this." "Come on, don't just stand there." "Look at him-- how nervous." "Yeah, Sarge, someone'd think you was the one that was getting married." "Don't say that." "Don't say that even as a joke." "But, Sarge, all I said was..." "All you said... all you said-- what's been on all your minds ever since this wedding was announced, huh?" "But Sarge..." "(mocking): "But Sarge..."" "I feel it." "I feel the tension in the barracks." "I feel those eyes on me." "I know what you're all thinking." "You're thinking I'm next, huh?" "Well, you can relax, fellas." "I'm not marrying Sergeant Hogan." "All right?" "(chuckles)" "I'd like to also point out to you that we have an agreement." "We have an understanding." "No GI marriages between us." "No cooped up on the post." "Sergeant Hogan... is a highly intelligent, beautiful, sophisticated person." "That's the trouble." "We're too much alike to get married." "So, I have now explained it to you." "There will be no more little zitsy-zitsy looks." "And that's that!" "All right, Sarge, just don't get so excited." "That's..." "What?" "What?" "What...?" "Excited?" "A discussion makes me exci...?" "I'm not excited." "Perfectly at ease." "And suppose Joan was out to nab me." "So what?" "May I point out she's not exactly dealing with an amateur?" "May I point out she's dealing with a fellow who's always one step ahead of her?" "(laughs) A fellow with two feet on the ground." "Hey, Two Feet on the Ground." "What?" "Your shoes." "(organ plays "Bridal Chorus")" "Marriage must not be a hasty decision." "Young couples should realize that these Army friendships, close as they are, may not be enough for a successful marriage." "Some couples have an understanding." "But you, Katherine and Joseph, I know," "are deeply in love." "(Hogan sniffles)" "For you, the loneliness of barracks life is over." "At day's end, your hopes and dreams and problems will now be shared." "And now, before I join you in wedlock," "I hope that the example of your love and happiness will soon be shared by others." "Joan and I have an underst..." "The ring." "The ring." "Oh, the ring." "I'm so..." "I didn't..." "The ring." "I'm sorry." "I..." "Do you, Joseph, take Katherine to be your..." "Do you, Joseph, take Katherine to be your wife?" "JOSEPH:" "I do." ""Do you, Katherine..."" "You see, Joan is the first girl that I've met that..." "I like her, you see?" "Uh... oh, how can I explain it to you?" "Sarge, do you love her?" "I-I..." "I don't know." "I..." "Sarge, stop stalling." "Do you love her?" "What are you, the district attorney?" "(mocking): "Do you love her?" "Do you love her?"" "I don't know!" "All I know is we got an agreement-- no GI marriages." "We have an..." "JOSEPH:" "Daily orders." "BILKO:" "Aha, the bridegroom is here." "(humming "Wedding March")" "Ah, cut it out, will you, fellas?" "Here." "Been getting that all morning." "Happy honeymoon." "On your way." "Oh, Miller?" "(snaps fingers)" "Come here a minute." "Joe, I always had you pegged for a confirmed bachelor." "What happened?" "Why did you get trapped...?" "I mean, how did this happiness come along to you?" "Oh, I don't know." "Sort of sneaked up on us, I guess." "What do you mean?" "Well, you see, Katherine and I had an understanding." "You had an understanding, huh?" "Yeah." "Uh, you know, two people cooped up on the same post-- well, we figured it couldn't work." "Yeah, well, what changed your mind?" "Well, one weekend, Kate's folks came in from Cleveland to meet me." "Oh, her folks." "(chuckles) Yeah." "Well, and the chaplain had me in for a talk, and, well..." "Oh." "before I knew it, I was saying, "I do."" "The chaplain, huh?" "Well, I got to be going." "All right, so long." "Give my love to Katherine." "Lots of happiness to the both of you." "Ah!" "Aha!" "That's how they put the zinger in!" "Don't you get it?" "Her folks came for the weekend, huh?" "And then the chaplain carried the ball from then on." "Oh-ho, sure." "Nice teamwork, wasn't it, huh?" "Sarge, why don't you stop knocking yourself out?" "Just give her up, if you're afraid." "No." "I'm not afraid." "It's just this romantic relapse she's going through." "I got to cure her of these marriage id..." "Look, Joan works at Administration, right?" "Mm-hmm." "She deals in facts and figures all day long?" "That's how I'll knock this out of her system-- with facts." "Thank you." "Hello, Rose." "Hello, Billie." "Hi, Ernie." "Hi, Ernie." "Hi." "Hey, Joanie." "Hi, Ernie." "What brings you here?" "Oh, just passing by." "I thought I'd drop off the day reports." "Oh, thank you." "Oh, by the way, Joan, would you mind sending to Washington for some statistics?" "Statistics?" "Yes, I would like a breakdown on the financial difficulties and hardships" "suffered in GI marriages." "Oh, I happen to have that" "right here." "You know, the economic..." "Just happen to have it right here, huh?" "Yeah." "The combined monthly salaries of two enlisted personnel, plus added marriage benefits, compares favorably with a financially-secure couple in the middle-income group." "Just happen to have that here, huh?" "Now, let's take the upper-middle-income level." "If a master sergeant marries a master sergeant..." "Hold on just a minute." ""If a master sergeant marries a master sergeant..."" "Just out of the thin air, you happen to have these statistics," "these pamphlets, huh?" "Well, now-now, wait a minute." "You were the one who asked about it." "You were the one who's interested." "Me?" "Well, it's the farthest thing from my mind." "It's just, one of the men in my platoon is thinking of doing something about it;" "he asked me to look into it." "Oh, really?" "Which one?" "Well, uh, which..." "which one?" "Which one?" "Doberman?" "Doberman." "Private Doberman, yes." "Doberman." "Doberman is thinking of getting married?" "Well, you know how hot-blooded and impetuous he is." "Yes, but I told him..." "I said," ""Doberman, look into the facts, the statistics."" "I said, "Look into what happens to these lovey-dovey GI couples when emergencies like an illness happens."" "They get free hospitalization, the best Army medical care..." "Yeah, well, uh, how about the important things in life like, uh, automobiles, TV sets and..." "Loans are available to GI couples" "at three percent less than any other..." "Sure." "Load the poor suckers down with expenses, so when a major emergency arises..." "There's free maternity service." "Uh, never mind." "Never mind." "Well, there's pages and pages..." "Never mind, please." "Never mind!" "Well, I thought Doberman ought to know" "about the maternity services." "Well, there are certain things we've been keeping from Doberman." "Come on." "Let's get out of here." "Oh, Joan, uh, would you also mind sending for the statistics about the amount of GI divorces, please?" "There are 37% less divorces in the military." "Why don't you stop with the advice?" "Why are you telling me what to say?" "Ernie." "Yeah?" "What?" "Ernie, I'd like to speak to you." "Wait, what?" "You want to speak with me?" "Alone." "Alone?" "Well, I'll go." "(grunting)" "Sarge, be strong." "Ernie?" "Yeah, Joan." "Ernie, I think it's time that you and I had a serious... (stammers) Th-Th-That..." "is that chow?" "Chow-- I think they're calling chow." "Ernie!" "You and I have been going together now for over a year." "Right?" "A year?" "Well, what's a year?" "I mean, I got an uncle of mine been going with a girl for, uh..." "What was he going with her for?" "(laughing)" "I forgot..." "Ain't that funny?" "Fun..." "(crying, sniffling)" "Joan?" "Joan, what are you...?" "Joan, don't." "The girls will be back from lunch." "This is bad for morale." "Pull yourself together, Joan." "I'm sorry." "It's just that, for over a year now, we've had such a wonderful time." "We've had an agreement." "Yes, we've had it." "No marriages on the post." "That's right." "That's..." "We've had that understanding." "We've discussed it often." "Many..." "Maybe we ought to put it in writing." "In writing?" "It doesn't matter if it's in writing." "It's just that, every time there's a wedding on the post, you go into a state of shock." "M-Me, shock?" "Me?" "Now, we had an agreement." "Yes, we have that agreement." "No GI marriages, no cooped up on the post." "We got an agreement, honey." "Well, now, why get married and break up a beautiful friendship?" "That's right, why get married and...?" "Oh, I had you wrong all the time." "I should have known." "Honey, you're the champ." "I'll pick you up at 6:00 tonight for that platoon party, and from then on, it's cha-cha-cha all the way!" "Right?" "Yes." "# Cha-cha-cha, cha-cha-cha... #" "Oh, Ernie." "What is it, baby girl?" "# Cha-cha-cha, cha-cha-cha. #" "I almost forgot." "Tell me, baby." "Tell me." "My folks are coming in this weekend." "They want to meet you." "Y-Your... your what?" "Your folks want to..." "What-what do they want... what do they want to meet me for?" "Oh, 'cause I've written to them so much about you." "Well, your folks want to..." "you..." "Oh, I can't!" "I-I'm very..." "Doberman-- I got to sit up with Doberman." "He's in a bad way." "I'm..." "Uh, Bilko." "Chaplain?" "I'd like to have a little talk with you." "A t-talk?" "With m...?" "What?" "What was that?" "Oh, there is?" "There's a jeep missing." "I'll take care of that." "I'm sorry, Padre." "The jeep." "Hey, fellas, did you hear about the jeep?" "There's a..." "Everybody, attention!" "A jeep is missing!" "What's the matter with him?" "I just wanted to ask him why Doberman hasn't been to choir practice." "Oh. (laughs) Oh, I think Doberman has a few other things on his mind, Chaplain." "Hey, Sarge?" "Hey, Sarge?" "Oh, it's you." "I wonder if you can help me out" "with a little problem." "Oh, I have exactly what you need" "right here." "Yeah?" "Now, here are the m..." "uh, the, uh, maternity records." "Maternity?" "And... and here is a little booklet entitled So You're Going to Have a Baby." "A baby?" "CHAPLAIN:" "Doberman." "I've got to talk to you." "Look, I'm just going away for the weekend." "I'm not deserting." "Who needs that?" "Look, Sarge, Sarge, we-we can't go on like this." "You got the whole platoon on edge." "I..." "I found Doberman hiding under a bunk." "What do you want me to do?" "What would you like me to do, go up there and say, "Get lost"?" "She's liable to do something drastic." "Well... well, maybe we could fix it so she would fall for some other sergeant on the post." "Fall for some other...?" "(chuckles)" "Look alive, kid, huh?" "He's right." "There's only one right guy for her." "That's him." "You know, boys, sometimes too much charm can be a curse." "Now, listen" " Sarge, you're going to have to make up your mind." "Look, give me time." "Listen, Sarge." "Are you going to let this girl go on thinking she has a chance with you, or you going to make a clean break" "and tell her you're through?" "Huh?" "Look, look, I got a..." "Sarge, the chips are down." "You got to fish or cut bait." "All right." "All right." "(sighs)" "Where we going?" "I'm going to tell her she's through." "To her face?" "Right to her ever-loving face." "Now, look, you better stop at the infirmary and get some smelling salts." "Oh, the poor kid." "Joan, the time has come..." "Oh, she's not here." "I'll come back." "You'll be right back." "It's either fish or cut bait." "Well, it's just that..." "Aw, look." "She's got my picture on her desk." "Sarge, you've got to go through with it." "Fish or cut bait." "I know, I know." "It's just that I hate to go through these hysterics-- you know, these recriminations, this groveling at my feet." "(snaps fingers)" "But I got to get it over with once and for all." "I'll just go over there, and I'll say, uh, "Joanie..."" "No." "I'll call her Sergeant Hogan." "That'll show her I'm starting to cool off a little, right?" ""Uh, Sergeant Hogan, when two people" ""have been going together for a length of time and, uh..." ""one of these two people is taking a little too serious" ""what to the other is just a casual association," ""the time has come to call this to an end." ""What am I talking about?" ""Well, I'll give it to you straight, baby." "We're through." Rocco?" "That's when I give her the smelling salts." "Right." "Now, you see what you got to go through?" "Women." "Sarge, she's here." "Shh." "(Hogan laughing)" "Sergeant Hogan, I..." "Oh, Sergeant Patterson, the WACs on this post aren't any prettier than the WACs" "on any other post. -(Southern drawl):" "That's not so." "Uh, uh, Sergeant Hogan..." "Uh, the day reports are right there." "I'll bet, after you've been here a while, you won't even give us a second look." "Look, uh, Sergeant Hogan..." "I wouldn't bet on that, ma'am." "Sergeant Hogan, uh..." "Oh, Ernie!" "This is Sergeant Patterson, temporary transfer to replace Grover while he's on furlough." "How do you do?" "Howdy." "Now, you just take these to supply," "and they'll give you your gear." "Sergeant Hogan!" "I understand there's a platoon party, and if you haven't got a date tonight," "I'd sure consider myself lucky if you'd do me the honor..." "You'll be lucky if you get out of here" "with the same nose you came in with!" "BARBELLA:" "Ernie!" "HOGAN:" "Ernie!" ""Ernie"?" "Don't "Ernie" me!" "The first wolf that comes along with a stale line..." "Well, now, see here, chum." "Are you still here, pal?" "Well, I..." "I didn't notice your brand on her." "(mocking):" "You didn't notice my brand, huh?" "Is this your picture on her desk?" "Is this your identification bracelet, pal?" "Oh, Sergeant Patterson, I'm so sorry." "I didn't..." "That's, uh, my error, ma'am." "I guess I, I just moseyed in the wrong corral." "They went thataway!" "Moseyed in the wrong corral." "Well, I'll be dadgummed and jiggly-booed!" "Ernie Bilko, I'm ashamed of you!" "Ooh-ooh, this is a good one!" "She's ashamed of me!" "What are you ashamed of me for?" "Was I falling for his line?" "Did I give him a baby blue stare?" "Was I giggling like an idiot?" "Was I?" "!" "Corporals, about face!" "Corporals, about face!" "Huh, was I?" "!" "(Hogan laughs)" "What?" "(laughing):" "Ernie, you don't have to worry about anything like that." "No?" "No." "I'll be ready at 6:00 (chuckles)" "She'll be ready at..." "What?" "What?" "What?" "What?" "What?" "!" "Fish or cut bait." "I should have known the smelling salts was for him." "Oh... ha-ha-ha-ha!" ""Let's Have Fun With Ernie Bilko Day," huh?" "(phone rings)" "Hello." "Administration." "Sergeant Bilko talking." "Huh?" "Who's this?" "Mrs. Sowici?" "Well, did you try him at the mess hall?" "SOWICI:" "Well, just once..." "Here he is." "What?" "Here he is." "Wait a second." "Once I'd like to get tomatoes" "when I order tomatoes!" "This is him here now." "Wait a second." "Hey, hey, hey, Sowici!" "Every..." "Your wife's on the phone." "My heart has wings." "Well?" "MRS." "SOWICI:" "You forgot to bring the clothes back" "from the laundry, as if all I gotta do is..." "Shut up." "...pick up and slave after..." "Shut up." "(Mrs. Sowici chattering)" "Shut up." "Shut up!" "Some guys are lucky." "Their wives run off with other men." "Aha!" "Did you get that?" "You see what happens to marriages cooped up on a post together, huh?" "These are the things that don't show in the statistics." "There are the things that Joanie don't know about, see?" "Why not?" "What is it?" "What's gonna stop her from knowing about this tomorrow morning?" "By tomorrow morning?" "Yeah, by tomorrow morning." "Because tonight she'll be having dinner with me at the Sowicis'." "Dinner at Sowici's?" "That's brutal." "Sarge, you mean when she sees that...?" "Huh?" "Huh?" "Huh?" "Sarge, how do you do it?" "Clean living, clear thinking." "So, what's the difference how I look?" "Do I see anybody?" "Do you take me anywhere?" "Shut up." "Elsie Fine, married to a staff sergeant, every week, she has to go down to see people" "Shut up." "and has a new dress." "And every month, her husband buys her all kinds of things." "Shut up." "If I had clothes, where would I go?" "Nowhere." "Shut up." "Every night, it's television." "So what'll I get dressed for, the 11:00 news?" "Shut up." ""Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up,"" "that's all you know." "What intelligent conversation!" "Why didn't you marry Noel Coward?" "Why didn't I marry anybody else?" "Shut up." "I was gonna be your little princess." "SOWICI:" "Shut up." "MRS. SOWICI: "Shut up, shut up." Go wash your face." "Pick up your things." "Get ready for dinner." "Shut up." ""Shut up, shut up."" "They should put me in jail for bringing another one into this world." "Hey, Pop, come outside and show the kids." "They don't believe you got the biggest feet on the post." "Why, a fine little gentleman you brought up for me." "I brought..." "I brought up?" "His whole life he sees such a shining example like you." "Shut up." "Bull's-eye!" "(boy crying)" "Head." "Always on the head." "It's always got to be on the head." "Afraid he'll get a few brains and show you up?" "Ah!" "I give up." "Oh, where you going?" "Out to play poker with the rest of those slobs?" "Why, I oughta..." "(knocking on door)" "Come in!" "Hold it!" "Oh, what a beautiful domestic picture." "Lovely." "Sergeant Bilko, figured if they said "poker," you'd show up." "Hey, Bilko, how about a crap game?" "Just me, you and the old man." "Shut up." "Okay, cut in the old lady, too." "Go to your room." "I don't wanna!" "I wanna play..." "All right, quiet." "I told you to go to your room!" "All right, quiet, quiet." "Shut up!" "(shouting stops)" "Welcome to Shangri-la." "Oh, Agnes, uh, I just dropped by to see why you don't come to my Saturday night dances anymore." "Why don't you come around, show off your new dresses?" "New dresses?" "Listen... when dresses with bustles come back, I'll be there." "This cheapskate hasn't bought me a dress in over three years!" "Shut up." "How do you like the "shut up, shut up" "shut up, shut up..."?" "!" "All right, keep quiet!" "What do you want, Ernie?" "Oh, Stanley..." "(blows)" "Stanley, I always considered you one of my closest friends." "Watch it, Pop." "He's after something." "(Bilko chuckles) Ooh!" "Good boy." "Right on the nose." "(chuckles)" "Uh, I'll tell you, Stanley, I'm in some kind of a spot." "What's up?" "Well, you see, uh," "I'm taking Joan to the platoon party tonight." "Well, you know what that means." "It means dinner in town and all the trimmings." "And, well, frankly, Stanley, I'm, I'm broke." "I told you it's a touch." "These kids..." "Ooh!" "Good boy." "Right on the same spot." "He keeps hitting me." "He's very clever." "What's on your mind?" "Well, I-I'll tell you, Stan," "I was just wondering, if it isn't too much of an imposition," "I'd like to take Joanie for dinner here tonight." "Here?" "Dinner?" "Here?" "What does he want?" "He wants to bring Joan for dinner here tonight." "Here?" "Yeah." "Aw, thanks a lot, Stan." "I knew you'd see it my way." "And please, I'd appreciate if you don't go to any fuss." "No bother." "Leave everything just the way it is." "Just stay as charming..." "And you stay the same way, little..." "I'll see you at 6:00, Agnes." "Bilko." "Yes, son?" "Ooh!" "Ooh, this kid's very..." "He hits the same spot." "Very good little boy." "What a sucker he..." "(door shuts)" "Why is it so quiet here?" "(wailing):" "I'm scared!" "Quiet." "He wants to bring his girl here?" "Yeah." "He's the first person who ever wanted to eat dinner here." "Including me." "That's right." "Make fun." "Oh, now wait a minute." "Ever occur to you, for the first time since we've been married somebody considers this a home?" "Well, Agnes..." "Stanley, what's happened to us?" "Look at you, look at me-- fighting all the time." "Listen, Bilko considers this a happy home." "He wants to show his girl a happy home, a loving family, like we had when we were married." "Let's show him." "Even if we have to pretend." "When we were married." "He's gonna see a happy home, all right, and nobody's gonna be pretending..." "Princess." "Princess?" "Oh, Stanley!" "(boy crying)" "What's the matter?" "If you kiss Ma, we'll never see you again!" "You're gonna see me." "You're gonna see plenty of me from now on." "We'll have candles on the table, and I'll get out the drapes." "What's going on around here?" "Company for dinner." "Do you know what that means?" "No, that was before your time." "Company for dinner!" "Oh, you'll love them." "Stanley, they're here!" "(knocking continues)" "Welcome!" "Thank you..." "Oh, I beg your pardon." "We're in the wrong house." "It must be the one next door." "Sergeant Bilko, you are the merry one!" "Mrs. Sowici?" "You must be Joan Hogan." "HOGAN:" "How do you do?" "I've been telling my husband that we simply must have" "Sergeant Bilko and that so charming friend of his over for dinner, and here you are." "Yeah, here we are." "Uh, where are we?" "It's charming." "It's simply charming!" "Yeah, but what happened to the...?" "Well, well, well, you got here." "I don't think I've had the pleasure." "Oh, come on, Ernie, it's me, Stanley." "Sowici?" "Yeah, you know, it's the first time" "I've worn this since we were married." "Our wedding!" "Oh!" "(both squealing baby talk)" "I figured I'd get it out." "You never can tell when there's gonna be another wedding around. (laughs)" "Oh, Stanley, you're embarrassing them." "This is such a happy home." "Yeah, uh, but there seems to be something missing." "Missing?" "Yeah, there wasn't there a little animal-- a little boy-- running around here?" "Oh, Junior!" "Well, it is a little late for him to be up." "I'd love to see him." "Yeah, why don't you untie... uh, why don't you let him come in and say hello?" "I'll call him." "Mother's blessing!" "I'll go get him." "Mother's blessing?" "Mother's blessing?" "!" "I hate to get him up." "Yeah, it spoils his marksmanship." "Wait till ya..." "MRS. SOWICI:" "Oh, here comes Mother's treasure." "Here he is." "Who are the nice people, Dadsy?" "This kid's been drugged!" "The kid is under sedatives." "That's what it is." " Oh, Ernie." "Now say good night to Joanie and Ernie." "Good night." "Good night." "Good night, Uncle Ernie." "Uncle..." "Look out!" "Could you kiss Teddy good night, too, Uncle Ernie?" "Good night, Teddy." "Now it's off to bed, you little pixie." "Oh, isn't he sweet?" "Yeah." "Well, shall we sit down to dinner?" "Well... may I help you serve?" "Oh, no, we have a maid." "A maid?" "Well, she's really one of the waitresses at the Paradise Bar and Grill." "The Paradise?" "Isn't that that awful place they call the Snake Pit?" "I wouldn't know." "I've never been there." "I don't..." "What a dive." "Why, the fights they have there." "The brawls." "Oh, I instruct my men, "Don't go near the place."" "I've told them this many times." "(glasses clanking)" "Whew!" "Hello, Ernie!" "(silverware clatters)" "Marcella..." "Marcella, Mr. Sowici needs a salad fork." "Check." "What happened at the Pit last night?" "After the chandelier fell, everything went blank!" "(laughing)" "Marcella!" "Salad fork coming up." "HOGAN:" "Really!" "Look, the woman's a complete stranger to me." "I must have met her in the library or somepla..." "Bilko, you're a fool!" "SOWICI:" "Agnes!" "Wasting time at places like the Snake Pit, when your real happiness is right there." "I think we'd better leave." "MRS. SOWICI:" "Oh, I know." "Run away from it." "No, you see, we've got an agreement..." "Agnes..." "I'm sorry." "We have..." "It's just that I know how much my happiness is with my home and my family." "(voice breaking):" "And when I look at you..." "Oh!" "I'm sorry." "Princess, Princess!" "Oh!" "What is that all a...?" "Now, isn't that the silliest thing?" "(Hogan sobbing)" "Now what?" "!" "What's the matter?" "!" "Silly?" "!" "Don't you ever speak to me again!" "Jo-Joan!" "Joan!" "Oh, Ernie, that heart..." "that wife of mine, all heart." "Uh, where's Joan?" "I don't know." "She ran off." "She was crying." "Crying?" "Ernie, she loves you." "Go catch her?" "What?" "Yes, go catch her-- fast!" "Joan?" "Come on!" "Don't let your happiness get away!" "Joan?" "Fly after her!" "Joan?" "Faster, Ernie." "Princess?" "Oh, Princess?" "Joan?" "Go capture your happiness, Ernie..." "Joan?" "...as I've caught mine." "MRS. SOWICI:" "Bilko..." "Let them go." "Let them go?" "!" "Yeah." "I don't like a crowd around when I'm with a beautiful girl." "But... but Stanley!" "(squeals):" "Stanley!" "Stanley!" "ANNOUNCER:" "Elisabeth Fraser appeared as Sergeant Hogan," "Toni Romer was Mrs. Sowici," "Harry Clark appeared as Sergeant Sowici, and Daryl Richards was seen as Junior."