"Top Gear S14E03" "Tonight:" "James wears a stripey jumper." "Richard drives a stripey Lamborghini, and we name the greatest car maker in the world!" "Thank you so much, everybody." "Wow!" "Amazing!" "Now." "As we know, as we know, you can never get rid of a baddie, OK?" "No matter how much you kill them." "Remember Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction?" "She was stabbed, she was drowned, half an hour later, reared up out of the bath." "Then you got the Daleks, Blofeld, Peter Mandelson!" "They just keep coming back." "Then there's Top Gear's perennial baddie." "Yes, it's the caravan." "Now as regular viewers of Dave will know we have, over the last 24 hours, done our very best to rid the world of the caravan menace." "I think there's one more actualy." "That is, I think you'll agree, sterling work in our battle to free the road of these mobile traffic jams." "Sadly, it's a battle we're losing." "There are now almost half a million caravans on UK roads, and the British are the most prolific caravanning nation in Europe." "A title we've held for almost four years, according to the Caravan Council." "In short, they're building them faster than we can destroy them." "So we need a scientific approach to getting them off the roads, and I may have found that!" "It worked!" "What you're witnessing here, viewers, is the maiden voyage of the world's first caravan air ship." "I believe this is the solution to all our problems." "There are only two ways to go caravanning:" "you can have your two litre diesel" "Toe your caravan, obscure the view of all the people you're annoying or you can bring it up." "Here." "Everybody wins." "Driving is more fun and caravanning is more exciting." "However..." "As with all all cutting edge engineering projects, there are teething problems." "Normally, you drive along with your caravan and your car and when you get to a caravan site, you have a car to use." "I don't of course, so I need somebody to take the car to the caravan site for me." "And for that, I'm calling on my old caravan-destroying mate, Mr. Richard Hammond." "Yes, and because it doesn't have to log the caravan around it can be a nice car." "This car will never, ever hitch itself to a swift Rapide." "It's a Lamborghini, probably the least caravanish car company ever, and this is their new Gallardo Balboni, it's a tribute to Valentino Balboni." "Lamborghini most famous test driver" "Although he wore a cardigan to work, he was a mentalist." "And as a tribute to his mentalness, this particularly Gallardo is the most mental Lambo there's been for a while." "But more of that later." "Because first, I shall ring James and offer him some encouragement." "Hammond?" "May." "That thing is going to crash, and burn and explode and you'll be scattered in a million pieces across the English countryside." "Don't be so defeatist." "Anyway, I've got an address for you." "It's Hunter's Moon Caravan Club, which is just outside wear ham in Dorset." "I've made the booking." "They are expecting an air ship, and i'll take for lunch by the river." "Right." "See you in a bit." "Caravanning in a Lamborghini." "I think he might actually be on to something here." "Let me tell you a bit about the caravan air ship" "It's 125 feet long, 110,000 cubic feet of hot air holding it up and it's a very very ingenious solution, because all the caravan attachments are still here." "Instruments flip up out the table, the gas burners go where the cooker would be, and can be used for cooking, the beds fit where I'm sitting here." "It is still a caravan, it's just a flying caravan." "It floats with the infinite blue." "It's superb." "Meanwhile, on the ground, this was turning into the best drive to a caravan site ever." "According to Top Gear research, 37% of caravaners enjoy wife swapping." "Well Think what's gonna happen when the keys for this baby come out the pot!" "Oh yeah!" "As I was saying, because this is a tribute to their looniest test driver," "Lambo ditched the usual four-wheel drive for Gallardo and gone back to the hairy-chested rear wheel drive, that makes it 120kg lighter all new steel brakes, instead of carbon ceramic fancy ones." "It's Lamborghini's punk album." "Hammond, it's May!" " Oh Hello!" "Your Alive!" "How are you?" " I'm Very well." "How's it going?" "Pretty good." "Slight issue on the horizon, though." " What?" "It's not the fastest aircraft in the world." " How not quick is it?" "Well, top speed is about 17." "70 miles an hour is not bad, in a straight line." " No, 17 miles an hour." "I think Dorset might be a bit far." "I've got a new address for you." "Another address?" " Dale Acres caravan club site in Kent." "Kent?" "Probably not my first choice of caravanning destination." "I know, but it's not miles from here mate." "I'll buy you an ice cream." " I'll see you there." "Right, campsite number two." "Here we come." "It's now time for a spot of airborne lunch." "This is unquestionably the most powerful cooker ever fitted to a caravan." "Very well cooked on one side." "It's all part of the adventure of caravanning." "Back to the Balboni." "The thing is, the basicness makes it better to drive." "The steering feels so much quicker because there's no four-wheel drive in the way and the gear change, the manual box feels like it's shaking hands with an old friend." "The only thing that isn't basic is price, because weirdly, this stripped out strictly functional costing £163,000, which is 18 grand dearer than the ordinary four-wheel drive one." "So maybe less really is more." "The Balboni propelled me towards our campsite in Kent." "And then James rang again." "Hello?" "Hello." " Are you ringing from the grave?" "No, not at all." "It's going marvellously up here, mate." "You'd love it." "There is one slight hitch, though." " What is up now?" "The performance is slightly marginal." "If I get ahead wind of more than 30 knots, I start to go backwards." "You can't go into a wind of more than 30 knots?" " No." "What is the wind speed now?" "It was 12." " You're telling me you're being blown around Britain?" "It takes too long to get down to Kent so I will turn around and go the other way up to Suffolk." "Right." "Anyway, I've got an address for you." "Why not book us into every caravan site in Britain before we left?" "Stop nit-picking, will you?" "What a norbert." "If this air ship caravan and scheme of his catches on, what we'll have is the skies full of air ships crashing into each other when the wind gets up" "And the roads full of cars crashing into each other because they have to keep turn around." "With the wind behind me, I headed for our new destination." "Good morning, caravan club." "How can I help you?" "I was wondering if there were any pitches available at the White House beach club this afternoon?" "What is your surname?" "May." "M A Y." "Can I just ask if you have facilities for people arrive by air ship?" "By airship?" "Right okay, um.." "You actually a member of this caravan club?" "Here I am in the village of - here, this village!" "And it's somewhere I would never have seen." "It's a really, really big tower over there." "That's... well, that's clearly just a danger to caravaners." "Look at it." "Must remember to tell James about that." "As As it turned out, at that moment," "James had more than a tower to worry about." "May Day, May Day, May Day." "Norwich golf, papa golf, I'm about to enter your air space." "Golf Tango to Papa Golf Nine, you're entering an area of intense aerial activity." "At the moment it is imperative that you remain clear - well clear." "Sorry, cannot comply, have no control over air ship owing to wind conditions." "Remain well clear." "Norwich cannot comply." " You have traffic left, 11 o'clock, range of half a mile, fast moving." "Similar left." "Roger!" "Have visual." "Further traffic in your right 3 o'clock." "That's the news report and no news of a massive fireball burning over" "Northamptonshire or of people in the streets being hit by pieces of long burning hair and bad jumper." "Anyway, I'm probably being pessimistic." "I'm sure it is going very well." "No!" "Stay where you are, man!" "I'm heading very close to the KLM City Hopper." "Can you advise them to start abort take off?" "Papa Golf Nine, the police helicopter will surely be approach you." "Police helicopter really not necessary." "I will attempt to clear your zone at this altitude." "Please don't call the police." "He's not really aware of your intention, but you've strayed into the controlled air space of Norwich airport." "I may be about to get a colossal aviation bollocking." "Suffolk.. popular holiday destination." "Just a few miles away now." "James will have landed, set the van up, organised our little home from home, probably got the kettle on." "With the rough of the sky cops still ringing in my ears." "Finally, I reached a caravan site." "I didn't know if it was the one I had booked into, but it would do." "Here we go." "The landing you won't even notice." "This is a lovely approach over the trees." "This is a matter of a resting descent." "Little burst of gas." "What I actually doing here is helping to realise the dreams that was held by many great man." "People who envisaged the elegance of the majesty of lighter-than-air flight." "Zeppelin, Barnes Wallace, this is the man." "A bit of drift." "Drifting." "This is difficult." "Gas!" "Gas!" "It's going down." "No!" "I may be going side way slightly!" "May Day!" "No!" "Bloody hell, stop!" "Stop!" "Stop!" "Papa Charlie echo, whiskey, echo, what?" "I think it has a lot of promise." "James, airships have never worked?" "You can't land any aircraft that flies by being full of hot air." "I have been in a hot air balloon once, and it landed by dragging itself side ways through a hedge in a field, I ended up jammed on the lady Mayoress in the basket." "Long story, but I did it." "I want to talk about lighter than air transport." "I want to talk about the Lambo." "Because." "It is heroically daft, by going down from four-wheel to rear-wheel drive, it is bonkers, it is like free climbing rather than all the ropes and harness on." "It's fabulous." "Compared to, we must compare it, cause it's a rear-wheel drive, to a Ferrari 430?" "It is not as good, but it is better." "I know what you mean." "It's the panther, it's the white stripe." "Super car." " It's just amazing." "And of course you got to drive it a lot more than you thought, because of the freak weather conditions that blighted James, the light breezes." "Light breezes?" "It was more like a Hurricane." "Let's do the news." "Now, the Danes have made announcement, they are going to start making a supercar." "This is it." "That is got a V8, supercharged and turbocharged, they say all of the components, where possible, are going to be made and sourced by companies in Denmark." "Really?" " Yes!" "Will it be made of bacon?" "Will it be lubricated with Lurpak?" "Cause that Danes." "You know Bang  Olufsen?" "Beautiful Danish design, and inside it, as far as I'm aware, it's all Philips electronics?" "So that what it will be like." "This will stop you buying pretty much everything they make, doesn't it?" "No, I am a bit of a sucker for Bang  Olufsen." "A bit?" "You have been in the new Audi?" "New Audi got Bang  Olufsen speakers that rise up out of the dashboard when you turn the stereo on." "I bet you're rising up with them." " I am." "It works like catnip on him, honestly if you give him a Bang  Olufsen stereo his front leg grab onto his chest and his back leg kicking like that." "I love it!" "I love it!" "What's a catnip?" "What is catnip?" "Catnip, well if you got a cat." "It's a herb you give to your cat and they just urghh!" "The only thing I want to give a cat is its name and address to my dogs." "He said the other day when I said I was gonna sat my dog on his cat." "Will he able to do it?" "Your gay dog comes around to see my cat." "It would get its bloody head kicked in." "The point is Bang  Olufsen brings me back to that car." "Because I think that looks absolutely fanta..." "I don't care if it's made of bacon." "What it's called?" " Bang  Lurpak." "Now!" "I don't know if you saw the paper this week." "A woman had a baby, while she was on her way to hospital in a Kia, they have called the baby Kia." "It could have been worse, it could have been Proton." "Because these people called their baby, Kia," "Kia, the people who made the cars have actually given them a Kia car." "We got the picture of the handover." "This brings us on to a very important Top Gear, top tip." "If you are on your way to hospital in Labour, and you're in a Kia, for God's sake get out." "Let the child be Christened skip, bus stop, phone box, anything, just get out." "I Christen this child, doorway of Currys." "Because at least that way you get a free microwave and not a hidious car like that." "I reckon this whole story and baby Kia here, it could spark a whole load of copy cats, cos a whole load of dads waiting until the due dates and then secretly hired a Lamborghini Murcielago and driving really slowly to hospital." "You alright darling, you can hang on." "What are you called Pagani Zonda with the optional ceramic brake package?" "Now." "Last weekend the three of us were in Middlesborough, on Saturday night we had to drive back to England, okay which mean going..." "You know what it mean." "Going down at the M1." "The truth of the matter is all three of us had been away from home for six weeks, looking forward to seeing our families." "Belting down the M1, you arrive in Leicestershire, and there is a 20-mile set of road works there." "20 miles, which have average speed camera set at 50mph for the entire length." "Traffic is light, there is no rain, it is three lanes, but you're forced to do 50." "I don't know who the Minister of Transport is, but I want him to find the man who came up with that idea, go round to his office on Monday morning, and punch him really hard on the side of his head." "Because if he doesn't, I'm going to find the man and attach him to a milling machine, and I'm gonna see if it is possible to turn a man's head into a perfect cube." "Do you know why they have the 50mph speed limit?" "To protect the work force, who weren't there." "They were in bed, where I wanted to be." "I agree with you entirely." "But the answer is not cubing people's heads, the answer is when the work force isn't there, do 70." "Well you gonna just get nicked?" "No, but if everybody does 70." "Who here would just do 70 through a set of road works with an average speed cameras?" "Nobody James." "If you go charging through you just gonna get booked." "But that's fine, you can test it." "Stay to 70 because that the speed limit." "You take it to court in front of a jury, and you argue correctly that it is wrong to apply the 50mph speed limit, when there is nobody there to protect." "So you are saying it is logic?" "It is logic." "It is logic to kill Peter Mandelson." "No it isn't." " It is." "It is, but you can't do it." "Killing Peter Mandelson is a grey area, but doing 70mph on the motorway is an absolute." "How many people went on the anti-war march?" "A million, we went to war." "How many people went on the countryside march?" "400,000, and fox-hunting was still banned." "The Government is not interested in the will of the people." "Particularly if it is just one pedantic long-haired old Queen standing up in the court saying, I did 70 because it's logical." "You absolutely right." "Speed limits in motorway can be a pain, and theres two solutions outlined for you." "Revolution or cubing people's heads, or alternatively you could just leave a bit earlier." "No, cube their heads." "Leave five minutes earlier." "It is not five minutes any way." " It is five minutes a day." "Anyone here from Leicestershire?" "Is anyone here?" "How did you get here, Jesus!" "Jesus lives in Leicestershire." "He's Jesus, come here, Jesus, come and talk to me." "Congratulations." " Thank you!" "It's slightly bigger news than the M1 but nevertheless let's gloss over the second coming, do you commute on the road?" " I go the back way." "Because of that?" " Yeah." "So how much does it add to your transport every day?" "Ten minutes, quarter of an hour." "Ten minutes a day?" " Each way." "Each way, five days a week?" "So that's an hour 40 minutes a week, the Government is stealing from Jesus." "That's right." "Thank you Jesus for showing up." "Gordon Brown is stealing an hour and 40 minutes from Jesus." "Any way, time to move on." "Because last week we asked you to nominate the car-maker that you thought over the years has made the largest number of great cars." "There have been a couple of quite interesting nominations, one was Matchbox." " That was a surprise." "Pretty clever actually I thought." "The other was James May, he actually tied with Chrysler." "It was weird cos he only ever made one great car, James, the Eagle Hamthrust." "This is the top ten, as you can see we have Ferrari," "Lamborghini, coming up now we have the top three, here they are." "Thank you, automatic board." "Cost a lot of money." "And, in third place, according to you, the voters." "BMW, third place." "In second place, even though they made the worst car in the history of the world ever, the Beatle, it is VW." "No applauding that." "You can applaud this if you like, the winner is Ford." "So that is it." "The thing is, though, you're wrong." "Ford hasn't won this at all." "Because we reckoned Ford has made four great cars over the years." "But the car company we think is at the top of this list has made seven." "The car company we got in mind, okay, there were 350 million people watching last week's show when we asked you to vote." "The number of people who voted for, what we think is the greatest car company in the world was nine." "Not nine million." "Just nine." "Just nine." "No ideas?" "Made some of the prettiest cars ever." "Let me put it this way, okay." "Mitsubishi has won the World Rally Championship once," "Subaru three times, Ford three times, the company we have in mind won it ten times." "No, silence." "OK then, watch this." "This is a collection of art, of madness, of brilliance." "This is a collection of pornography, this is a collections of Lancias." "But this annoyingly, is the Lancia people remember best of all, The Beta." "It was made from steel so thin that on a windy day it would actually change shape." "And it wasn't much cop in the rain either." "I mean, this was fine yesterday, but then this morning we had a bit of a shower and now look at it." "The fact is though, that all Lancias had problems." "The Gamma, for instance, exploded every time you turned the steering wheel." "And then, there was the Fulvia." "It is a fantastic little car this." "It's like driving a wroughty sorbet." "With its clever V4 engine, Fulvia was actually the first Lancia, to win the World Rally Championship." "The thing is, though, when all is said and done, it was a very small, 1.3 litre, front-wheel drive, two-door saloon car." "But it cost when it was new, more than an E Type Jaguar." "We forgave the Fulvia the silly price tag though, because what made it great, the same thing that made all Lancia's great, the way it looked." "It really is as pretty as the sunseting over Charlize Theron." "In its day, this was too." "The streamlined Aprilia, the first car to be designed in a wind tunnel." "Inevitably there were problems." "For example." "The doors opened like this, that was lovely it meant getting in and out was very easy." "However, when they were closed they didn't quite meet, so quite a lot of weather could get inside as you drove along." "And it was only made with right-hand drive, which is fine fine in Britain and Sweden, which drove on the left at the time, but it was quite annoying everywhere else." "And then there was the Monte Carlo." "This was a wonderful car, a mid-engineed mini-Ferrari." "But because it was actually a Lancia, the things that were right were balanced out by the things that were wrong." "If you so much as looked at the middle pedal, the brakes would lock up and you would crash into a tree." "Lancia took the thing very seriously, so much so they stopped production for two years whilst they looked for a solution." "And they found one." "What they did was remove the brake servo, so then it had no brakes at all." "And..." "The Monte Carlo then was quite dangerous." "But in that Lancia way, it was so pretty I wanted one more than I wanted my next breath." "Sometimes, though, Lancia's lunacy did produce results." "Did you know Lancia was the first car company ever to sell a car with a monocoque?" "They were the first to offer a five-speed gear box." "First to sell a car with supercharging and turbocharging on the same engine." "First to sell a car with a V6 engine." "First to sell a car with an electric boot spoiler." "They did all these significant mechanical firsts, yet still, if you say to anyone a Lancia, they just snigger and say they fall apart." "I know, it is ridiculous." "Holy moly, does the bumper come off?" "I believe it has." "You need to define greatness, that is the important thing." "Just because something is unreliable." "Oh, it doesn't mean it isn't great." "Stephen Hawkins, great bloke, even though a lot of him doesn't work." "Yeah." "I wouldn't break it to him like that." "But the principal stands." "The principle stands." "Meryl Streep, everybody says she's a great actress, and then she appears in Mama Mia, the worst film ever made." "She's still a great actress." "Have you seen Mama Mia?" " Yes I have." "You big girl." "To prove even the tattiest Lancia is tougher than you might think, we have bought this 1982HPE." "And I shall now drive it non- stop through the night on a rough rally stage." "And I shall be racing, not racing, been told about that, dangerous, driving at the same time, on the same track in a similar vintage car." "This Morris Marina." "Right, Hammond, winner, last one still running." "Fair enough." "Let's do it!" "This is not a promising start, dispelling the myth that Lancias were not very good." "Yes!" " Never doubted it." "Obviously, the Marina won't work because this foul hateful things are hopeless." "Now, you might be saying, it's a Morris Marina, a piano is going to fall on it." "The more eagle eye viewer might have spotted it." "I've taken a precaution." "I bought a Marina which already are a piano landed on it." "Job done!" "Since we're doing serious research, we agreed there would be no childish racing." "I've hit Hammond!" "I've hit Hammond!" "That's OK, OK!" "Proving what a fine and strong breed of car the Lancia always was." "I'm gonna hit Jeremy as he goes round this really difficult corner." "He's got the outside there." "He'll never get by, and he hasn't." "But we're not racing, we're not racing." "He's through." "While I got my sun visor out of the way." "For hour after hour, we continued continued to not race around the rally stage." "As you can see." "It's pretty close to dark, still literally no faults to report." "Absolutely nothing." "Eventually, after not racing some more, the Marina began to pull ahead." "It's of course a well-known fact that a piano on the roof aids traction and gives you more speed on a rally-special stage." "But then, predictably, it broke down." "So I went to get some tools to try and fix it." "There he is!" "It's Hammond!" "He's out!" "He's down!" "The Lancia soldiered on alone, but then I got a warning light." "Literally." "Oh no!" "Look!" "I can't see through through the flames!" "I've got to blow this out somehow." "Maybe if I sped up like in Memphis Belle." "Come on!" "No, that's not working." "I can't see anything." "No matter, though, because here's proof that Lancias are tough and strong, and dependable." "So now, can we please move on." "This is a Stratos." "It had a 2.4 litre Ferrari V6 mounted in the middle." "It was Italian, it was styled by Bertone and it was completely impractical." "It therefore ticked all the supercar boxes." "But unlike any other supercar before or since, it wasn't designed to be parked in Monte Carlo." "It was designed to get there like this." "It's absurdly short wheel base meant it was agile, and the Ferrari power meant it was fast, so fast that it won the world rally championship three times." "And joy of joys, they made 500 Stratoses." "For people to buy." "That's a proper noise." "What a fantastic car!" "Of course, there were a few problems with it." "Chief among which was a lack of space inside." "A gynaecologist would get in here and go, "I'm at work!"" "It's like climbing into somebody else's giant red posing pouch." "James May's!" "Time for a gear change." "Stop touching my knee." " You try changing gear." "You got to." "I'm going to change gear now." "This will involve man touching." "And the list of faults doesn't end with the tiny cockpit." "Why did it give the passenger the pedals and the driver the wheels?" "I don't know." "They're definitely over to the right-hand side." "You're sort of sitting a bit sideways." "These window winders, it's..." " Not very good." "The other thing I really like as well is, you know a Porsche puts the rev counter right in front of you," "Lancia in this put the oil pressure right in front of you." "What does that tell you?" "So, not perfect." "But then you look at it and there's the thing, because it just sort of this." "This is one of the best cars ever made." "I would go with that." "On the grounds of its achievement, but also that slightly more subjective thing of how gorgeous it looks." "Stop doing that to my knee." "Just move your leg." " That was a stroke!" "Move it!" " I can't." "After the Stratos, came the 037, the last two-wheel drive car to win the world rally championship." "And the only two-wheel drive car to beat the mighty Audi Quattro." "The thing is, though, no-one really remember the 037." "Then there's the Thema 832, Lancia's answer to the BMW M5." "No one really remembers this either, even though it had a fully fledged Ferrari V8 under the bonnet." "We don't really remember any of Lancia's seven great cars, and all because of what happen in 1980." "Lancia was forced by pressure from the media to spend a fortune buying back rusty Betas, scrapping them and giving their owners brand new cars." "It was a PR disaster." "In Britain, Lancia's reputation was ruined." "And in 1994, they pulled out of the market altogether." "However, before the most charismatic car maker of them all finally went, they left us with one final reminder of what they can do when they try." "This is a Delta Integrale." "A four wheel drive turbo charged rally car, that picked up where Fulvia and the Stratos and the 037 left off." "This thing won the world rally championship six times on the trot" " six times!" "And you can feel that DNA in here." "The steering is so neat, precise." "Feel it settles into a turn and just gripped just pulled itself back into a corner." "Having learned their lesson with the Aprilia," "Lancia weren't going to be stupid enough to make these in a right-hand drive, so they made them left-hand drive - only." "Only Lancia." "Despite this, a good one of these today is worth 25,000 pounds." "And I'm not surprised." "Because this is a very unusual Lancia." "It wasn't very pretty, but, God, it was good." "Unbelievable." "I actually want one." "I'm standing here thinking "I want that"." "What I love about Lancia is that they never once just said," ""Let's just make a medium car"." "They were always doing experiments." "Some of the experiments worked and some some didn't." "That's the nature of it." "They might take..." "Could we make an engine with seven-and-a-half cylinders." "Or let's see if we can make the windows go up and down not with electricity, but with magic." "Abracadabra!" "No, hasn't worked." "But sell it anyway." "And that's what made them so magnificent." "They are still going today but now they are just a division of Fiat making things like this, which is neither very pretty nor very good." "What it is in essence is a Fiat Bravo with Rio Ferdinand's face stuck on the front." "But fear not." "If you still hanker over the glory days, then later on in the show, we have something to warm the cockles of your heart." "But now it's time to put a star in our reasonably priced car." "My guest tonight is a broadcasting legend." "He also has an astonishing collection of cars." "I list for you here:" "Ferrari 599," "Ferrari F40, Ferrari California, Ferrari Enzo, Ferrari 288 GTO," "Ferrari 308 GTS, Ferrari 246 Dino, Ferrari 275 GTB quad cam." "Ferrari 250 GT California short wheel base, Ferrari 250 GT California long wheel base." "So, let's find out if there is any particular type of car he likes." "Ladies and gentlemen, Chris Evans." "How are you?" "Good going!" "How are you?" "Very well, you've grown up." "Chris Evans." "Have a seat, mate." "Have a seat." "Presumably, you disagree with our greatest car verdict, then?" "Quelle surprise." "Lancia." "You don't believe that presumably, judging by your collection that there are particularly a brilliant maker of motor cars." "What?" "A car falling to bits the best mark in the world?" "Yes!" "Are you mad?" "Are you mental?" "Lancia's only came in black and rust!" "I still stand by" " There's more Lancia I like to.." " Oh come on!" "The number of Ferraris I would like to own now is one." "What about the A60 Monza, what about the 750 Monza?" "What about the 850 Monza?" "What about the PF250?" "What about the four-cam?" "What about the..." "A lot of people write and complain this isn't a car show anymore." "It is now!" "I love this enthusiasm." "Why have you painted all yours white?" "Because I wanted them to match." "I wanted them to be a work of art." "I've got a white garage or "car house" as they're sometimes known." "It's got a white piano in it, right?" "That plays itself, and there are these eight beautiful white Farrarris." "And I've got them matching number plates." "Which led you to that auction." "When you bid for the Ferrari California." "The James Coburn's car." " Yes." "This is terribly vulgar." "How much did you pay for that?" "It was the most expensive car sold at auction in the world." "When I bought it." " Last year?" "A lot of millions?" " Yes, 12 millions dollars." "How drunk were you?" " I wasn't drunk at all." "The point is, I didn't go to buy the car." "I went to buy a poster." "I'm not joking!" "I'm not joking!" "I went to buy a poster, and..." "The 250 Spider came up on the stand, my second favourite car in the world because it was in my Top Trumps collection." "As simple as that." "Because that how this thing works and that's how life is sometime" "I thought I would go for it." "Because I always wanted one." "That was the best one in the world," "James Coburn owned it for 28 years." "He bought it because Steve McQueen, he met Steve McQueen in The Great Escape." "Talking about this makes the hairs on the back of my neck stand up." "It's all documented, I've got all the history and that baby is back in the garage at home." "I show it to as many people as I can." "Unbelievable." "Now." "I was listening to you the other day, listen to you everday whilst stuck in a traffic jam, and you've auctioned your entire collection of Ferraris, most of your collections of Ferraris, for Children In Need." " Yes." "So how does that work?" "People ring in and they were bidding?" " Yes." "And then they can drive whichever one they want?" "What happen is, we take the seven highest bids on the day and they spend a four-day tour and during the four days, each person who's bid the amount of money gets to drive every single car." "Isn't that terrifying from your point of view?" "It's only tin and rubber." "And I think the great thing about this kind of cars." "If anybody comes round to my house, whether they're fitting a carpet, do the garden, burgling, just before you take that, come and have a look at the cars." "I think it's really important to share these cars with people." "You don't know who's bid." "You know their names." "You could have any sort of ape turning up." "Well, if you bid..." "You've got a book out." ""It's not what you think"." "Which is what it's called." " Yes." "And there's a list of everything at the beginning of every chapter." "Top tens." " The top tens." "Which is great." "A man loves the top tens." "We like to quantify everything." "But this car business, it does seem to me that cars, you sometimes claim you're not a car man, but you bloody well are." "No, I'm definitely a car man." "Behind my family, my job, maybe you're not not going to like this maybe golf, then I am a car man." "Sometimes, if I'm away from home, the first thing I do, I get back home and I have to go to garage just to have a smell." "I love it." "The smell of petrol and leather," "I love it to death." "It's better than stuff I've never tried." "Okay, now." "When I first met you about a million years ago," " Yes." "you were definitely a Porsche man." "You are having a laugh!" "You have 968.." "You've lost your mind." "You need to go to Venice " "Did you have a 968?" " No." "You did, convertible, Big Breakfast." " I didn't have 968." "It wasn't 968, cos 968 was Tiptronic and mine was manual." "So it was a 944?" "It was a 944 drop top, 19 grand, it was a great car, but it was dull and boring because it was a Porsche." "Obviously, the big news is, that Chris Evans -- broadcasting air waves so many years, is about to take over from the Terry Master." "Has he given you any advice about morning stuff?" "How to get up earlier, that's gonna be the number one." "Terry doesn't get up early, Terry gets up at 7 that's not a breakfast show." "What time do you started?" " 7.00am." "It is quite funny." "Because you gonna have to pretend to be older than you actually are." "No I'm not, because for somebody at 60." "We had a request the other day, at somebody 60th birthday, they wanted Van Halen, because that is the music that was around when they were sixties." "So we are okay, I mean there's quality tune about." "You have Brian Johnson on the show, lead of AC/DC. 62 years old." "It's all fine." "It is all fine, we are all going to be, bye-bye generation we are going to be in our old people's home with Anarchy In The UK in our wheelchairs." "We gonna have a wheelchair and we still gonna be doing that." "I am the antichrist." "Give me a wheelchair." "I don't want any more Gracie Fields, just this." "How did it go for you, out there today on our lap?" "Well I did my best, probably the worst weather there has ever been out there." "The Stig, what a lovely man, he couldn't have been nicer, however, what I have decided to do, I have had a great time." "I thought if I'm going to die, let me die today on this track." "He did actually say, Chris has no sense of self-preservation." "Anybody like to see some of Chris's practices." "Let's have a look at some of these practice thing here." "At the 50 mark, turning, off the brakes again, brake hard now, into in to second." "This is the hammerhead." "You're going out of control, go out of control." "Nobody has ever spun there before." "That's good." "Watch this." "This is the last corner." "Sideways." "Nobody has ever spun there." " Sideways at the cruise." "Second last corner, everybody goes here," "I'm impressed." "You never even made it to the corner." "I thought I would just go straight on here." "That was brilliant." "That is good bravery." "But then, the lap happened for real." "Who wants to see it?" "Let's have a look." "So you haven't learned your lesson, still going for brute force." "Come on, hello family." "Concentrate, man." "Concentrate on the job in hand, that is wet." "Good, it's Joe 90 mind the wheel." "Cutting across the red and white." "That is slippery." "You're looking quite good though." "You have never been good at anything like this in your life, try and have a go at this." "Come on!" "Have you never been good at anything?" " Not like this though." "I'm with you, all sports are impossible." "That is not bad." " You have to nail hammerhead." "You got to do this, even though your chin does look like a bum!" "This is Hammerhead, do we gonna get around this time?" "We have put cones out now when it's rain so Jonathan Ross doesn't get lost if he comes back, you're in the white lines, that looks slow but important for a quick time." "Aim for the cameraman." "Aim for the cameraman." "Here the cameraman." "Bad karma." "Because I missed the gear aiming for the cameraman." "There he is, he getting a bit tired now." "That's looking good." "The smell of the clutch." "Mmmm." "But does it smell of victory?" "I'm being a bit chicky, I'm being a whussy into the final bend." "Come on now!" "Cut the corner, just a bit." "That's the trick." "That's good." "That's quite a lot." "This one, cut it a lot." "So an entirely new way across the line." "Here we are." "There's the board." "There is the board." "Where do you think?" "Obviously we will give you a wet lap there." "We will put Chris Evans "wet" on it." "Where do you think you have come?" "I don't think it's that impressive, but I did, I promise you I try my best, but I'm not gonna lean forward, I will try to be cool." "We never had a guest who manage to stay just like that." "I know, I tell you my heart is racing." "You did it in one minute, quicker than Terry Wogan was." "You are already the new fastest Radio Two breakfast show host we have ever had." "In the last 40 years." "You did it in one minute, forty." " That's good." "Eight point one." "For a wet lap that's the third- fastest wet lap we have ever had." "There's your ex." "I'm just above her, but I'm not on top of her, just above her." "Cos she's my ex." "But we were accused of favouritism with her by David Tenant, who said that we only allowed her to cut corner because she was wearing a see-through top." "And he was quite right of course." " Completely right." "But you cut corners as well." " Next time I'm gonna wear a see-through top." "Ladies and gentlemen, Chris Evans." "Best of luck." "The new morning man." "That is a good time, be proud of that." "Earlier on in the show, we explained that Lancia, the greatest car company in the world, and just because of a few problems with rust 30 years ago, they are not available in the UK any more." "The thing is though, as Jeremy as been finding out, you can still get one, sort of." "This is a Lancia Stratos, except for one small thing," "It isn't." "It wasn't made in the 1970s in Italy, in fact, I don't know where it was made." "In a shed in Nuneaton, probably." "This, you see, is a kit car." "Either you can pay someone to build it for you, or you can make it at home yourself, with a hammer." "Apparently, if you're fairly competent that would take about 300 hours, obviously it would take me about 300 years, which is a very long time." "But, there is an upside, an original Stratos would cost 100,000 pounds, maybe more, that is 13,000 pounds." "In theory that makes this the Hawk HF, the bargain of the century." "The body is absolutely identical to the original, all the panels are completely interchangable." "The interior too would be familiar to Lancia fans." "The pedals are nowhere near where the bottom of my legs are." "The steering wheel is perilously close to where my testis used to be, before the seatbelt jammed them up into my lungs." "The gear lever acts like one of Bugs Bunny's ears, and one of the switches on the dashboard operates a fire extinguisher, since I don't know which one it is, I dare not touch any of them." "The wiper has gone upside down, that wouldn't actually clear the rain from the window." "Then there was a big noise." "Wait a minute, what the hell?" "What was that?" "The front left brake had jammed on." "I got to get this in to a workshop." "Come on, come on." "I took the car to Nigel, the resident mechanic at our track, and greeted him in the usual fashion." "Have you got a hammer?" "That is scalding hot, as we can see on the thermal-images camera." "He has just gone to answer the phone now." "While we wait, I suppose I should explain the 13,000 pounds doesn't include the cost of an engine, you have to get one yourself." "And you have a choice of two, you can either get Fiat's twin-cam, that you can buy used these day for about 5p, or for 600 quid, you can get the engine I have in this." "Use this handle which is disguised as a spoiler to get the back up, and there you are Alfa's brilliant 3 litre V6." "This actually produces more power than the Ferrari engine Lancia used." "And with it the Hawk is faster, when it is working, which it will be, eventually." "It is mended." "Now I'm going to get back in." "Which is a surprisingly elegant process if you're a mouse." "You simply get one..." "No, that's not good." "You sort of get over this roll bar, like this." "Then you get your head in, it's probably easier to detatch your head first, and put it back on in the car." "There we are." "Whenever there, and" "Over there!" "And then.." "You might want to cut the camera for this bit." "I had intended at this point to check out the performance, but after the brake problem I had rather lost my nerve." "0-60 takes less than five seconds and what I'm not going to do now is see where that acceleration stops." "I really don't want to travel at 150mph in a car built in a shed by a man I have never met." "This is 90 perhaps, that's, the wiper has gone." "That is an important consideration, you have to bear in mind if you are thinking of buying a used kit car." "You have to ask, was it built fastidiously by James May over a period of many hundreds of years, or was it built by a spanner, with a hammer?" "I mean, would you buy a kit car that I had built?" "Having chickened on the max speed run," "I decided not find out what it is like flat out through the corners." "Here we go, I'm going in, and here I am cornering not at all flat out." "60, that's fine." "Brakes, all three and three quarters of them are very squirrelly." "The steering is very heavy, a lot of body roll." "There we are." "I think that's probably enough cornering now, we have done that, tick." "Certainly then, the Hawk is only as good as the bloke who put it together." "You will spend more time under it than in it, for example." "I'm not going to pretend it is as good as an original Stratos either, but the same reason that a postcard of the Mona Lisa is not as good as Leonardo's." "But one day your car will be working and you will see a reflection of yourself in a shop window as you go by, and trust me on this, that's gonna feel good." "Because critically this looks like a Stratos." "If we're honest, that's all we really want." "I would like to build a kit car like that, cos I think it would be very therapeutic." "It would be." "You know what I mean." "It is more satisfying to have something you have made yourself?" "I don't even like to eat a sandwich I have made myself, because it always has blood in it and bits of my fingers." "But anyway." "We must now find out how fast this car goes round our track, and of course that means handing it over to our tame racing driver." "Some say his new Christmas range of fragrances, includes the great smell of Wednesday, and that he was turned down for the job of EU President, because his face is just too recoginsable." "All we know is he's called The Stig." "He's off, there he goes." "I say listen to that noise." "The Alfa V6 sounds, if anything, even better than the Ferrari V6." "That's fantastic sound." "What's happening here?" "Is he looking for the stereo, no," "Stiggy what's gone wrong?" "He's broken down." "How authentic is that?" "This is a scene familiar to any Lancia owner, look at him walking off, completing his journey on foot." "There he is, not across the line." "Now, okay." "There is no way we were going to allow our first-ever DNF (Did Not Finish) on the board, to be a Lancia, no way." "So we, mended the car, in a shed, okay, brought it back, it was here, this morning for The Stig to try again." "Unfortunately it was raining this time." "But the car has set off well, still making a fabulous noise, look at the rooster tails, stip dipping badly underbraking as the Stig turns in." "Ooh!" "I say that's a bit wide." "Stiggy where are you going?" "He's got it back." "Now that's amazing driving." "He comes up to Chicago, locked up the front, back stepped out, this is wide he's gone." "The Stig has spun." "That's not going to stop him, he's still going on, look at that for determination." "Stig obviously a Lancia fan as well as he comes up to the hammerhead, he has got it to turn in nicely, done better than Chris Evans there." "Nice through with the whole beautifully-held slide." "It's gone wrong, he's headed for the camera crew." "I bet they were frightened." "Here we go." "Is he breaking down again?" "No he isn't, that is not at all like a Lancia as he comes to the follow-through." "He's definitely backed off of that, I can't say I blame him, as he heads now towards the tyres, building up speed, not too much speed." "He's coming down, crikey this is out of control now, but he has done it, he's round the second to last corner," "Oh no!" "He's gone again!" "That's what I call driving, as he comes around Gambon, this time across the line." "That is the best-looking lap we have ever seen." "I have to say one of the most exciting." "Spectacular." " Car control is phenomenal." "But the time was, 1.48.2, which means it's also the slowest slap we have ever had around the Top Gear test track." "My.." "Can you imagine how long it would take if he build it?" "My god!" "It would not finish the lap by now." "Would they?" "No!" " Or now." "Thank you!" "Anyway listen, next week we're on for a reason we don't understand, at 8.30." " Or now." "On that bombshell," " Or now." "it's time to end." "Thank you so much for watching!" "Good night!" "Or now." "Or now."