"I-I don't mind when the people who handle food wear those gloves." "Right." "But it's the surgical masks that make me nervous." "Well, 'cause this is a medical-themed restaurant, dad." "Oh." "That's why." "Yeah, I guess, I'll have the yogurt, then." "And it's also because of the enormous popularity of shows like "E.R.", these medical shows." "That people think that people want to have lunch at an I.C.U...." "I see you!" "Oh, dad!" "So you don't have to be sick to eat hospital food anymore." "It's great." "It's the best of both worlds." "I'll tuck you in." "Oh, man." "Hey, I actually want..." "I got some exciting news." "Guess who called today?" "Who?" "Carlton Campbell." "Oh my god." "That's right!" " You're kidding." " Nope." "Carlton Campbell." "Mm-hmm." "The rich industrialist?" "Nope." "Carlton Campbell's a colleague of mine..." "Oh." "It's hard to say." "Carlton Campbell." "And he has a show called "Campbell's couch", a call-in radio show." "He's gonna be out of town Friday night and asked me if I would cover for him." "I've never heard of this radio show." "Uh... well, it's on am radio, from 10:00 to 1:00 and, it..." "Y'know, people call in with problems, and he tries to give them advice on the air and it's, uh..." "So he's a therapist, too." "He's a therapist, but, y'know, he's in show business and he..." "'Cause he's a radio personality?" "Yeah." "That's not show business." "Well, you know he's on the..." "The fringe." "The fringe of show business, yeah." "Um, so he asked..." "You?" "Yeah, he thought I would do a good job hosting the show one night." "Does he... does he know you well?" "Uhh... yeah." "'Cause you're the-the last guy I would picture being on the radio show, I wouldn't..." "Now why is that, Ben?" "People who are on the radio have, uh, spent, y'know, they... they're experienced, it's broadcasting." "Ben, what's the, uh, big deal?" "Somebody will call up with a problem, and I'll either help them or not." "You know, I don't like the idea of those shows anyway." "You know, the people call in for..." "With their problems." "Yeah." "The calls that come in are all those, y'know, they're all those..." "It's just a gimmick." "It's a scam." "I think you can get genuine help on the air." "I think it's just a coincidence, but I think it could happen." "Dad, you also have to be very careful, 'cause radio attracts, um, a fringe audience." "Is that right?" "Yeah, yeah." "You know, don't, um..." "Don't piss off the skinheads." " Right." " Okay." "I'm writing that on my hand right now," ""Don't piss off the skinheads."" "In fact, Ben, maybe you would like to come down and..." "And see how one of these things is thrown together, these shows." "I have been to a radio station." "Yeah." "And, um..." "But I would be..." "But I've never seen a show, actually, uh, taped." "I bet it's really exciting to see a guy sitting there." "Behind a mic." "Taking a phone call." "Yeah." "You're being sarcastic, Ben but what you're not seeing is the hundreds and thousands and possibly millions of people glued to the radio, listening..." "Clinging to my every word." "Dad, it's not the '40s." "People are watching TV now." "You're not FDR." "People aren't tuning in especially to hear your radio show." "There might be, like, 40 people listening." "All very sad." "My hands are sweating so much that "Don't" came off the "Don't piss off the skinheads."" "It just says "Piss off the skinheads," now." "Now I'm screwed." "I'm screwed." "Hey, Laura, guess what?" "What?" "A colleague of mine asked me..." "This guy, uh, Carlton Campbell, if I would host his radio show Friday night." "He has a call-in radio show." "And..." "This is the weird part, I said, "yes."" "Really?" "It's on from 10 P.M. to 1 A.M." "Oh, that's a good time slot." "Well, I guess, that's when people are sort of more reflective and pensive and, uh... home." "Right." "And I thought it might be fun if you come down with me to the station." "Well, why?" "Well, we could do, uh..." "You could screen the calls, we could do a little banter, maybe, on the air." "Mmm." ""You look great today."" ""Oh, stop."" "Might be fun." "I don't know." "I'll say things to you like, um," ""Is the caller there, Laura?"" ""Yes."" ""Thank you, put him through."" ""Okay."" ""How's it going out there?"" ""Good."" "You know, and things like that." "I can do that." "Yeah, y'know, you could be my, uh, producer." "I like that." "Y'know, there'll be products to plug and you could..." "Well, do you think it's ethical for a therapist to be pushing products on people?" "Ethical?" "I look at some of these guys, these athletes..." "When they let themselves go, the body, it's..." "Do you remember Buster Douglas?" "'Member, he..." "Oh... yes, I do, the boxer." "Well, he beat Mike Tyson, 'member?" "Right." "And then I see him, he fights Evander Holyfield." "He had like a beer belly, and he had, like, those big "Buddha" tits." "His nipples were pointing straight to the ground, isn't that a bad sign?" "I'm not a boxing expert, or a nipple expert, but when you're about to climb into the ring against a world-class heavyweight, your nipples better be kinda perky, y'know what I mean?" "You better have two little, rigid "raisinets"" "jetting' outta your chest." "That's all I'm sayin'." "I couldn't agree more." "I love my uncle." "Bad kisser, but a good guy." "This is..." "Aunt Iola's husband?" "Yeah, my uncle Tony." "Yeah." "And he was a guy that, uh..." "He hated everybody, he hated Julius Erving." "He hated "The doctor"." "He said, "The doctor, what the hell'd he ever cure?"" "He said he was "The doctor of my ass, that's what he was the doctor of."" "And I always try to get that image out of my mind." "Of Julius Erving working on my uncle's ass." "Hey, Dom, I-I-I I wish you wouldn't bring food into my office." "It's not fair to me, or to the other patients." "Doc, you know I have low blood sugar." "The reason I eat like this..." "Is so that I won't get anxiety." "Mm-hmm." "You know... you want half of this?" "What is that?" "Mmm, it's good." "Don't bite where I bit." "Why not?" "W-what's wrong with where you bit?" "Because I'm gonna cut out where you bit." "'Cause you got a thing that looks like it's happening on your lip." "I don't want it happening on my lip." "Looks like a sore." "Here, taste that." "That is dee-licious." "Mmm, isn't it?" "Yes, um, but you know what?" "I guess, you're allowed to eat, then." "As long as it's delicious." "Dom, look, you're getting food on the couch, you're getting food on the floor, y'know, this is..." "Well, let's just finish this, then we'll get back to work." "All right." "Ben!" "Hey, Todd, keep it down." "Ben!" "You don't wanna wake the customers." "I know, I never greet you with any enthusiasm." "I just thought I should start doing th..." "Ben!" "It's like a spiritual..." "Yeah." "You're doing, man." "Hey, Todd, uh..." "Yes." "My dad is filling in for this talk-radio show on, uh, I think it's am 620." "I love talk radio." "Do you know, uh, "Campbell's couch"?" "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "You do?" "Is it "Campbell's couch," the, the...?" "The therapist." "Yeah, that radio therapy, over-the-phone thing, yeah." "That's right, you call in, you talk..." "You call in." "Well, my dad's gonna do it." "Oh, that's a good thing to do, man." "He should be proud of that as a therapist." "Well, Campbell, apparently, is..." "A lot of people listen to that show." "It's like therapy without all the privacy." "Well, that's right, 'cause it's..." "You're trying to help more people than just the person..." "Privacy always stops a person from really letting their problems pour out." "I'm saying, Campbell provides a free service to people who call in, they don't have to pay for therapy." "But, uh, I'm a little worried that my dad is not gonna get a lot of callers 'cause, y'know, he's a fill-in." "It's like having a substitute teacher, y'know, nobody pays attention." "Yeah." "So, I'm soliciting people to call." "Really?" "On Friday." "So here's the number." "You want me to call on Friday?" "Well, I wouldn't mind..." "You know, yeah." "Yeah, but I..." "What am I gonna call?" "I got, you know, I'm normal." "I got nothin'." "Problem-wise, I got nothing going on." "Really?" "Nah, I don't have any problems." "Well, Todd, that is a problem." "Why don't you call?" "Oh, I'm..." "I'm gonna." "But I just want..." "I want other people to call, 'cause I don't want my dad to look dumb." "On the air, y'know..." "How's he gonna look if I call and go," ""hi, I'm normal, but your son told me to call?"" "Well, Todd, maybe if you call up and say you're normal, he could find out what's really behind that." "Behind my normalcy?" "Well, I don't think you're normal." "Really?" "Yeah." "I've had very few..." "Especially as an adult," "I've had very few problems." "Really?" "Just, you know, a few childhood traumas, but we don't need to talk about them anymore." "Well, maybe you do, maybe they still..." "Still eating' at ya." "What happened when you were a child?" "Y'know, there was a bad birthday party when I was six." "Oh, really?" "Yeah." "How bad?" "My parents hired a clown to entertain ten kids." "Ohh, one of those bad clown stories where the guy showed up drunk..." "No, he was great." "'Til the heart attack." "All of us kids thought it was part of the show." "We were still dancing and singing" ""Here we go 'round the mulberry bush"." "While my father did CPR on the guy." "That's a pretty funny sight." "CPR on a clown." "I laugh about it now." "Dr. Katz?" "Ben?" "I think my man is cheatin' on me." "Ben, I know what you're trying to do..." "Dr. Katz, stop callin' me Ben." "My name is..." "Benna." "Okay, now is this your husband, or your boyfriend?" "It's my boyfriend." "He's s'posed to be comin' home... every night." "But on three nights a week," "I don't know where he is." "Is this just..." "This just three nights out of the week?" "You did not do well, dad." "Well, Ben, first of all, you can't just call me out of the blue." "You gotta give me some warning." "Try it again, and, um..." "Let's try it again." "So I have to call back, or I can just..." "No, call me..." "Call me back." "Hello, is the caller there?" "Dr. Katz?" "What can I do for you?" "This is Dr. Katz." "Sitting in for Carlton Campbell on "Campbell's couch"." "Jeez... that's great, dad." "That gets it off on the right foot." "They like to know who they're talking..." "You should tell them right away," ""I'm filling in, I'm not qualified at all."" "Well, that's not..." "That's only in your mind, that suggestion." "You should just add that you're not a therapist..." "And you're not qualified, you're just a friend of Carlton's who..." "I'm fixin' Carlton's couch." ""Happened to stop by, and he wasn't here, so I did the show."" "So, Julie, what I would like you to do is to... try and..." "Just to close your eyes, get comfortable, and try to think of your earliest childhood memory." "My earliest childhood memory?" "Yeah." "Okay, why don't we shift gears and just..." "Anything that pops into your head." "You could talk about your parents, you could talk about your, uh..." "I went to see my mother." "She's walking around her house with a screw, looking at everything in the whole house." "And you have no idea why." "No, I followed her around, and I'm like," ""What are you doing?"" "She said, "Julie," "I think this has fallen out of something."" "Yeah." "So, being tall has always been an issue for you." "I've always been..." "I have always been really tall." "When I was in first grade I was five feet tall." "The teachers had to always stop the other little kids from playing "Gulliver" with me out on the playground." ""I can't help it, I'm a giant, behemoth child."" "I always wanted to be a ballerina." "But I can't be a ballerina, 'cause they don't make toe shoes in size eleven." "Well, they do, but they call them "boots"." "I go into shoe stores all the time and I'll say to them," ""I'd like this shoe in a size 11."" "They'll be in the back, wetting themselves with laughter." "They'll come out, "How 'bout a '5' and a '6', we'll staple 'em together?"" "But y'know, he's a..." "He does it on the air, so it's a... he's sort of crossed the lines between therapy and show business." "Ohh, and it's not just entertainment, these people are really calling in with their problems?" "Well, it's pretty entertaining." "Doesn't that seem a little strange?" "That people would call up and do that?" "It does, but he asked me..." "He has to go to a wedding, and he asked me if I would cover for him." "Ohh." "And, um... y'know, I'll take calls..." "Uh-huh." "So, ehh, but this is new for you, you're gonna, like, solve people's problems, like, on a... ten-minute phone call, that's..." "Well, I don't think anyone calls up with that expectation." "Yeah." "What do they call for?" "But, um, aside from that," "I would love it if you guys would listen, and if no one else is calling in, if you could just..." "Call in and, pretend to be, um..." "You mean, call in like a..." "Like a guy with a problem, just..." "Like a setup?" "I don't know." "Well, because, you know, I don't..." "Otherwise there's just dead airtime, and I have to talk." "You guys know what that's like." "Julie, why don't you try placing one call?" "Can you make things up?" " Yeah, go ahead." " Yeah." "Anything." "Is the caller there?" "Uh, yeah, hi." "Hi, what can I do for you?" "This is Dr. Katz, sitting in for Dr. Campbell on "Campbell's couch"" "um, I feel a little silly doing this, actually." "That's okay, everyone feels silly the first time." "Well, I have this thing where" "I'm sort of afraid to go out of my house." "Mm-hmm..." "Silly!" "So, Laura, just give me the cue and as soon as..." "You give me the signal, I will, uh..." "Okay, well, alright... ready?" "Mm-hmm." "Go." "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen." "This is Dr. Jonathan Katz, sitting in for Carlton Campbell." "I will be filling in for Carlton tonight and, uh, we'll be taking calls, and the lines are open now, and we're gonna be here until 1:00 in the morning, so call in, and, uh..." "You can confide in me the same way you confide in Carlton." "We have the same kind of training, the same approach to therapy." "And also with me here tonight is my wonderful co-producer, the very lovely and talented young Laura." "Co-producer?" "Laura, you're on the air." "How are you?" "Fine." "Any calls coming in?" "No." "Well, it's interesting that you mention that." "Because that's one of the things about the radio and phone calls." "I always wonder what happens when no one calls in." "Well, you're livin' it." "I guess, my wondering days are over." "But guess who's living it with me?" "Umm... me?" "My charming co-host." "Co-host?" "Yeah, all of our phone lines are open, so please call in..." "All of them are open." "Anything you want to talk about... we're open, we're taking all calls, uh, I am a professional psychotherapist, and I'll be taking calls about any range of emotional problems, personal problems..." "Dr. Katz, we got a..." "We got our first call!" "Oh, that's great!" "Hello, is the caller there?" "Yes, hello!" "Yes!" "Where's Dr. Campbell?" "Dr. Campbell is not here tonight, can I help you?" "This is Dr. Katz." "I'm sitting in for Dr. Campbell." "What can I do for you tonight?" "Yes, I'd like to speak to Dr. Campbell." "Yeah, Dr. Campbell's not here tonight." "Oh..." "Uh, Dr. Campbell will be back on Monday night." "Okay, bye-bye!" "Oh, man." "I guess, he has a very loyal following, Dr. Campbell." "Hi, "Campbell's couch" with Dr. Katz." "What would you like to talk about?" " Laura." " Ben?" " Hey." " Hi." "Listen, get me on." "I got a good one." "Ben, this isn't a joke, this is a radio show." "We're trying to do a show here... no, no, no." "I've been driving around listening to the show, it's a joke." "It's going okay." "No, you've had one call..." "No, we've had a lot of calls." "Or two calls, and they're all asking for Dr. Campbell." "My dad is eating it." "Now let me get on there, I can save this thing." "I don't think it's a good idea, Ben." "Laura, I'm telling you..." "You guys are in deep trouble." "All right!" "Patch me in." "Dr. Katz." "Hi, is the caller there?" "Your show sucks!" "Ooof." "Um... wh-where you calling from?" "You suck!" "'Cause it sounds like you're s..." "Oh, man!" "I can barely understand what you're saying, but it sounds like... you suck!" "Like you're not enjoying the show." "Buh-bye!" "Oh, okay... bye bye, you suck!" "Folks, sometimes when people call in, th-they're angry, they're hostile, and sometimes it's just because a lot of what they hear is too painful." "Let me just apologize to my listeners for that rude interruption, that happens sometimes." "Dr. Katz, we got another call." "Is the caller there?" "Hey, good show so far, Dr. Katz." "Thank you very much, you know, I'm new at this, so I..." "No..." "Okay, put another call through." "Yes, is the caller there?" "Yes, I'm here, how ya doin'?" "I'm okay." "What's your name, sir?" "Name's Ben." "Ben, what can I do for you tonight?" "Um, I am, uh... whew, man, I'm winded." "Hey, dad." "Hello, Ben." " How ya doin'?" " Good." "That's a huge window, this whole thing is wide open." "You know there..." "There is an elevator." " Really?" " Yeah." "Why did I take the stairs, then?" "'Cause you didn't see the elevator, I guess." "Whew, I just did fourteen stories." "Did you see Laura out there?" "Is this all on the air?" "Yeah, we're on the air." "This is my son, Ben, I'm talking to, folks." "Hey, everybody." "And this is not exactly, uh, therapy." "'Cause it's not really entertaining." "But it is live." "Umm..." "Dr. Katz, there's a real call." "It's not Ben." "'Cause I'm right here." "Okay, hi, this is Dr. Katz, is the caller there?" "It's me, actually." "I'm on the cell phone." "Oh." "Yeah." "But take it." "I mean, why not?" "Gimme the phone." " Sorry... dad?" " Yeah?" "At this point, because nobody's calling in, maybe what we should do is turn it around." "Maybe you should call out." "Oh, we call them." "Yes, as a twist." "Yeah, it doesn't really..." "Doesn't really work that way, Ben, in um..." "I mean, it's totally inappropriate, but I think, um, maybe not such a bad idea." "Okay, Laura, place a call..." "See who's home." "Here's my book of patients." "Alright." "See if I can catch someone in." "Uh... hello?" "Dom?" "Did I..." "Did I wake you up?" "Uh, no, no, that's all right," "I was just..." "Lookin' at the back of my eyes for about six hours." "First of all, I hate to call you at home." "No, it's no problem, uh..." "But you're on the air." "Who is this?" "This is Dr. Katz, and we're on the air, live." "My Dr. Katz?" "That's right." "You're callin' me?" "I'm calling you because I'm hosting a radio show called "Campbell's couch"" "and, I thought it would be interesting..." "For the audience to hear the voice of an actual patient." "And to hear the sound of therapy, and people..." "Give 'em some of the other sounds." "Because people who've never experienced therapy..." "You're gonna what!" "?" "!" "Well..." "I learned a very interesting lesson tonight." "Well, dad, like..." "You know what?" "It's 1:00 A.M., and you've just had a bad radio show for three hours, it's late and you're a little loopy." "That was the lesson I learned." "Yeah, you should do a morning show." "I don't think that I'm cut out to speak into a microphone." "You know?" "Well, you definitely shouldn't be doing late-night radio." "Because, y'know," "I'm not good under that kind of pressure, being on the spot." "And some of these people really needed help." "Laura, you were good." "Yeah, Laura, you did a great job." "Thank you." "You have no..." "Nothing to be ashamed of." "And Ben, you..." "You kicked in nicely, too, I thought." "Well, once I found the studio," "I think I really saved the show." "Right, Laura?" "Well..." "When do the ratings come out?" "Check the papers tomorrow." "See if it's still on the air." "Yeah, well, there'll be a big article about..." "Your show, tomorrow." "I'd be curious to see how, um, what's the guy who's on after me?" "Oh, uh, f-f-father O'Sullivan." "Father O'Sullivan." "Yeah, I'm curious to see how he does tonight." "Yeah." "I wonder if he can follow my show, y'know?" "Maybe we should call father O'Sullivan now." "Ask for forgiveness." "I hope that I haven't cheapened what I do, in any way." "Oh, you definitely have." "Okay." "Let me hope for something else, then." "I hope nobody got hurt." "I also went out to the Grand Canyon, which is a really good time, except I wanted to take that Brady Bunch burro ride down to the bottom of the canyon." "But I couldn't, because there was a weight requirement for the burro, which I exceeded..." "Which totally bummed me out." "That I flew 2,000 miles and I'm too fat to ride a beast of burden?" "And I hate ventriloquists." "Mm-hmm." "I hate ven..." "That is the stupidest thing I've ever seen a ventriloquist, and you know what bothers me, doc, that really get..." "Is the people that get mad at the dummy." "How stupid are they, that they're like," ""Yeah, that dummy." "Boy, that dummy's got a foul mouth."" "And they watch the dummy, and they go," ""The ventriloquist seems like a nice guy, couldn't he get a nicer dummy?"" "I mean, ventriloquists never get women." "Never ever get women." "You never hear a woman goes," ""I went back to this ventriloquist's house the other night, and he had me on the bed, and he had a Spanish voice comin' out of my butt, it was incredible."" "They disgust me." "You like 'em?" "No, I-I don't really enjoy ventriloquists." "I think..." "I think, Dom..." "And I have never laughed at a clown." "I'm sorry to interrupt you." "That's all right." "I'm just feelin' it today, doc." "I just feelin' it..." "A lot of anger towards, uh, performance artists." "You've never laughed at a clown." "I never laughed at a clown." "I don't think clowns are funny," "I don't know anybody who goes," ""Did you see that clown, he was killin' me." "With that thing, with the horn, and the pie, boy is he funny."" "Imagine the wife of a clown." "You're tryin' to hide yourself in a new neighborhood, you move in, "What's your husband do?"" ""I don't wanna talk about it."" ""No, what's he do?"" ""He's an entertainer."" ""What's he do?"" ""Alright, he's a clown, he's a friggin' clown!" "You know what it's like ironing those hoop pants every night?" "You know what it's like rinsing out that spongy red nose," "I can't get his shoes under the bed, hardy har har?"" "Oops, you know what the music means, Dom." "We're gonna have to stop." "Our time is up." "We really need to, uh..." "To wrap this up." "I'm just glad I have a therapist that says, "oops."" " What's that?" " Oh..." "Oh, hey, hey!" "Works every week." "Yeah."