"Hark." "What have we here?" "It's LachIan." "help!" "It is a knight in distress." "I'm drowning." "We must dive in at once and save this fallen hero." "It's empty." "What's empty?" "What?" "Aghhhh!" "(LachIan whimpers)" "It's really nice of you to let me stay here." "I think LachIan needs as much room as he can get." "We're roommates." "I always wanted to have an American roommate." "Great." "It's kind of hard with couples, you know." "You feel like you're in the way all the time, and then the dynamics of their dysfunction get projected onto me." "I hate couples." "Yeah." "I mean, it's so much braver to go it alone." "You know, how can you really understand yourself when you have somebody else hanging around all the time?" "Yes." "You stop that process of seIf-examination." "That's when you put on weight." "Fist, what is it that you actually do?" "I'm an economist." "Mmm, really?" "well, I got my degree in economy and sociology." "Right now, I'm doing some modelling." "Gosh." "You get paid to just stand there." "That's cool." "Want to know a secret?" "Oh, go on." "I'm pregnant." "really?" "I didn't even know you had a boyfriend." " I don't." " That's great." "Dirka is pregnant too." "Today, we are going to try on clothes." "Not maternity clothes, but things you can wear to really be proud of your bump." "You know, to celebrate the maternal side of femininity." "Want to come?" "No." ""Driving Over Lemons."" "It's about an english guy who's moved to Spain." "Nobody recommended it, Kenny." "I just..." "No." "I asked a man in the bookshop for a book about moving to Spain." " Jackie, if you take the Merc..." " I'm taking the Nissan." "Aye, tell the rest of them." "If I take the Nissan, we can go shopping, then I'II take him to training." " Who's taking me to training?" " You've got the Merc." "Oh." "Right." " I need the Nissan for my interview in Perth." " Perth?" "What's in Perth?" "Farmers, Jackie." "I have a column to write." "JACKIE:" "What do you know, Rab?" "Her man makes ten grand a week and she wants to walk through cow shite." "Aye, well, she's got a career now, Jackie." "You've got to respect that." "You do the shopping, pal." "Enjoy yourself." "I will and all." "I Iike shopping." "Mmm." "Hey, muffin." " Bad night." " I'm sorry." "You talk a Iot in your sleep." "Do I?" "Mmm." "The spoon." "You know I can't hold the spoon." "What do...what do I say?" "I don't remember, claire." "(Winces)" "Sorry, what?" "I just wanted some sleep." "Oh." "Muffin, it'II be OK." "My installation!" "OK, you just need to be still for another week, and then you'II be better." "AII right?" "It'II be the best installation ever." "I need a poo." " Pass me the bedpan." " Yeah." "(Grunts)" "(Strains and farts)" "Oh, jeepers." "I think I'II take a shower." " Oh, that looks great on you." " It does, doesn't it." "Oh." "Oh, my back." "Oh." "I feel weak." "Lars, carry my bags." "Hey, that's not fair." "Who's going to carry my bags?" "Bart can carry your bags." "Bart, carry my bags." "Oh, it's kicking." "Oh, I feel it, too." "I think it's twins." "My tits are so big with milk." " Mine are bigger." " Carry me, Bart." "Take me upstairs... and be careful of the baby." "I'm a Dutch economist." "Take me seriously." "Hi, I'm Jean PettengiII." "I'm an acrobat." "Are you hiring...right now?" "Hi, I'm Jean PettengiII and I had to kill my own dog to make this jacket." "That's how badly I need a job." "God, Fist, how many jobs have you gotten in this?" "This is the new jean PettengiII." "This is the European Jean PettengiII." "This is the Jean PettengiII with no history." "Therefore, nothing can hold her back." "How about some bacon?" "Oh, no, that's Danish bacon." "We get Scottish bacon from the butchers." "Aye, but which is nicest?" "Rab, it's vital to buy Scottish produce." "Oh." "Are these Scottish?" "I don't know." "Let's have a look and see, shall we?" "Ach, no." "They're Portuguese." "JANICE:" "So, we'II see you at dinner?" "RAB:" "Aye." "JANICE:" "Busy day?" "Oh aye, you know, the boys do training till lunchtime, and then I give Jackie some feedback on his passing, how his ball skills are coming along this season, an' then the boys do some more training and..." "Janice, can I come to the farm with you?" " would you Iike to?" " I've never been on a farm." "really?" "claire." "I'm sorry I didn't call." "No bother." "Come on in." "How's LachIan doing?" "Oh." "Not so good." "He's kind of depressed about not being able to move." "Aye, well, he'II be better." "Up and at them in no time, eh?" "Are you writing again?" "Aye, a new one." "Kenny," "I'm..." "I'm trying to write." "Great." "But it isn't working out." "Um..." "I have to tell you something." "Go on." "OK." "You know, when I said, um...months ago, that I was a writer." "well, I am a writer." "I write." "I've just never been published, Iike I said." "Oh." "You said you'd done loads of books." "I know." "You said you'd had an advance and all." "On your next book." "Did I say that?" "Oh, God." "Were you..." "lying about it, claire?" "Yes!" "And I keep telling myself... ..I just can't lie any more." "That's why I can't write, because I'm not being honest with myself." "I'm afraid to...admit that... ..I have no talent!" "Oh, claire." "I'm so proud of you, Kenny." "I mean, you wrote a book." "And you got it published." "I mean, it isn't any good, your book." " No." " But you did it." "Aye." "I just... (Sighs) I had to tell you." "I have dreams about you, Kenny." "Good ones?" "Wow." "Faster!" "(Rab roars)" "It's brilliant." "Look, look, a brown cow!" "Oh, oh, this is brilliant." "Sheep." "Two sheep." "Look, look, another cow!" "brilliant." "Hiya." "Sorry, claire." "I mean, that was out of order." "Yeah." "I mean, LachIan's not well." "I feel a little warm just now." "Is the heating on?" "(DoorbeII)" "Oh, shit." "Hi." "I'm early." "The car's just outside." "Harriet." "Listen." "A pal of mine's just turned up." "Someone who has...problems." "Is he depressed about his..." "lack of mobility?" "Aye, aye." "He's shattered." "mentally, Iike." "I'm just trying to, you know, cheer him up." "Kenny, you're so good with people." "It's a gift." "Aye, so, can I just meet you there?" "Of course you can." "You're the master, darling." "You're looking gorgeous, by the way." "Kenny?" "PacheIbeI's Canon" "HARRIET:" "That's charles McNaught." "He's brilliant." "He wrote that biography of Mary, Queen of Scots." " Missed that one." " That's Patrick O'FarreII." "He's Irish, but he's very good." "Right." "Is that...?" "Nah, can't be." "Oh, there's Daddy." "hello, Daddy." "hello, darling." "It's such a good reception, Daddy." "Everyone came." "Even the pulp people." "Yes, I know." "I can't bear it." "Now, Iet's get out of here." "Where have you parked my car?" "Kenny and I are going for dinner in Leith." "Oh." "That's a bit of news, isn't it?" " You seeing one of my authors." " He's so lovely, Daddy." "He's like something out of Sir walter Scott." "MILES:" "Mmm." "Yes." "well." "AII right." "Fine." "OK." "Go." " miles." " Oh, not now, Patrick." "miles Longmuir?" "Er...yes, hello." "Who are you?" "I'm Jean PettengiII." "I'm American." "Mmm, really." "Never have guessed." "I Iove the dry wit thing." " Great party." " Thanks." "I really like Edinburgh." "Everything's so...old." "I Iove that." "Yes." "Two chicks and a chimney." "What does it mean, miles?" "That's the GiraIda." "That's Santa Justa and Santa Rufina, the patron saints of seville." "No wonder you're such a great publisher." "You have so much information, miles." "Mm, well, yes." "I mean, you publish all these people." "Yes, yes, I do." "miles, I know this is uncool to do at a party, but I have a book proposal." "Don't we all, Jean, don't we all?" "No, miles." "This is a really good idea." "It's about contemporary relationships and how we don't need them any more." "Dead nice of you to come to all my readings." "I Ioved every minute, Kenny." "You're such a hero when you read." " You're Ivanhoe." " You think?" "And Daddy says you've got the best opening sales of any first-time writer he's published." "Wa-hey!" "Have you..." "Have you read it yourself?" "I Ioved it, Kenny." "I wanted to be Katrina." "I wanted to be in the cabin with you." "I found the whole thing highly erotic." "Hi." "What can I get you?" "Oh, I think we'II have a bottle of champagne." " And not the French one, the other one." " The Cava?" "would that be for the both of you?" "I'm so sorry." "I'm going to have to see some ID." "Oh, come on." " We can't serve alcohol to anyone under 1 8." " I'm 21 ." "Course she is." "honestly, how embarrassing." " This never happens." " What kind of place is this?" "That's fine." "One bottle of Cava coming up." "It worked." "How old are you, Harriet?" "(Organ plays in background)" "You all right, Janice?" "Yes, Father." "You've not been to confession lately." "Anything you want to talk about?" "No, Father." "Everything all right with Jackie?" "Same as usual, Father." "Have you just been having a wee word with the big man?" "Yes, Father." "Father..." "I was thinking about something Saint paul said." "Saint paul?" "well, I'm not a big fan, Janice, but go on." "It's the one they read at weddings." ""Without love, I am nothing, nothing at all."" "That's Tom Jones, Janice." "Your man paul told the Corinthians, "I know I have the gift of prophecy." "I understand all mysteries, and all knowledge, and though I have all faith, so that I couId move mountains, have I not love, I am nothing."" "Is love not more important than anything, Father?" "Aye, Janice, but love isn't the same as having a shag." "LACHLAN:" "Hi." " Hi." "This is a weird place to meet." "Er...yeah, it's er...a neutral space." "So, where's claire?" "I thought we were meeting for dinner." "Jean, I need to explain my work to you." "Um...when I'm in process," "I have to ignore conventional boundaries." "Wait a minute." "So, claire's not coming?" "God." "Jean, please." "There's been a major misunderstanding." "I'm a really good guy." "No." "You're a total creep." "Argh!" "So you're in pain." "So what?" "There are sick people everywhere." " Just take drugs and shut up." " I just wanted to explain." "You are my sister's boyfriend and you made a pass at me." " Do you know what your spine is telling you?" " Bad LachIan." "Bad karma." "You earned this, pal." "And you should thank your karma that I haven't told claire what a selfish, Iechy, fuck-up you actually are." "You are...so modern." "Yes." "I know." "I worship strong women." " Yeah?" " Yeah." "please don't tell claire." "Watch it, muffin." "God, I've got a boner." "(Footsteps approach)" "Ah, the beautiful ladies are even more beautiful." "Hi, Lars." "Fist is staying for dinner." "What?" "(Speaks Dutch)" "I need to go wash my hands." "FIST:" "Argh!" "I got my period." "AII over my thong." "This is great." " Didn't think we'd all fit." " This is such a great flat, Kenny." "It's so...you." "Thanks." " Is carol Ann coming again?" " No." " No, she's definitely not coming." " (LachIan moans)" "You all right there, LachIan?" "Yeah, it's just, could people on the bed not bounce, please?" "He's fine." "Go ahead." "Bounce." " She was really nice." " Aye." "She was." "Can we just talk about the book and get it over with, so I can shoot myself?" "Kenny?" "I have to be honest, I've been so busy, I didn't get a chance to read it." " You picked it." " It's your book group." " well, Rab told me to pick it." " It's a fucking classic." "I don't get the agenda." "You guys read these major European authors and then a nothing book by some old hippie." ""A nothing book?" The guy moves to Spain." "actually, Jean, it's part of the Romantic tradition, no?" "The idea that there's somewhere else to escape to." "people with...problems always think they can escape by moving." "Aye." "They can move to Spain." "So, those people who don't move don't have problems?" "Or are they all sitting at home trying to write?" " He wrote the book in Spain." " What do you know about trying to write?" " Quite a bit." " The guy moves." "It's great." "He loves it." "And there's not all this crap weather and Scottish folk talking rubbish." "JANICE:" "Rab, you love scotland." " I don't." " You went to a farm." " Did you?" " Aye." "It was all right." "I've made a major decision this week." "scotland is a million times better than some tiny town where it's dark all year." " I'm writing a book." " Oh, come on." "And everyone is drinking aquavit and wearing brown clothes and the same shoes every day." " Dirka is moving back to Sweden." " Why do you always tell my news?" "Lars got transferred." "So what?" "He's 34, Dirka, he should be happy he's playing at all." "My baby's going to be so Swedish." "I can't stand it." " well, have you thought about Spain?" " claire, I need the loo." "You're only trying to write a book because I'm trying to write a book." "You have to do everything I do." "Kenny, tell her." "LACHLAN:" "I'II just do it myself." " What?" " tell her." " I'm writing a seIf-heIp book." "It's about how there's no possibility of honesty or sexual fidelity in contemporary relationships." " (Shrieks) - (Winces in pain)" "Kenny," "listen, thanks for the other day." "I've been thinking about it...a Iot." " You have?" " Yeah." "I've even started to write a little." "That's great." "My book is about how we've gone beyond, you know, pair bonding." "But isn't love the strongest bond you can have between two people, Jean?" "That's so last century, Janice." "I mean, hasn't anyone else noticed that relationships actually stunt one's personal growth?" "I'm moving out of LachIan's loft." " really?" " Yeah." "I don't want to have the big discussion, you know, until after he's got his brace off." "But, I think it's pretty clear." "Do you think they want biscuits?" "You never know with girls worrying about their figures." "Kenny." "I know you're awkward about this kind of thing but we really have to talk about our feelings for each other." " We do?" " You kissed me, Kenny." "What can I get you?" " Where's the toilet?" " I'II show you, love." "Cheers, Janice." "I'm going home." "I hated the book and what's the point of doing this anyway?" " Fist." " I hated it, too." " That's cos you two know fuck all about Spain." " claire kissed Kenny." "DIRKA:" "No!" "Does anyone want a cookie?" "I have never met such a slet." "What does Kenny see in her?" "He doesn't." "She made him kiss her." " He obviously is not ready for a relationship." " And what about LachIan?" "She went for him because he's an artist." "The moment he has a problem, she's off fucking someone else." " No-one stays faithful any more." " Yeah." "I'm so glad I'm married." " lovely evening." " Do you think?" "Yeah." "Yeah." "I'm just um...not on form at the moment." "You'II be fine." "Are you coming to LachIan's opening, the installation?" "Yeah." "Can I bring someone?" "Sure." "Yeah, how's carol Ann doing?" "It's..." "It's not carol Ann." "I'm seeing a girl called Harriet at the moment." "Oh, that's great, Kenny." "Yeah, oh, the whole thing is wheelchair accessible, so..." "She walks." "Oh, well, she won't have a..." "We'II both see you both there, then." "Um, lovely." "LACHLAN:" "Oh." "Um..." "claire, can you help me with the er..." "Who's Harriet?" "LACHLAN:" "claire, this ramp is er...really fucking slippery... (CIattering)" " She's my girlfriend." "Why did you kiss me if you had a girlfriend?" "Because it was nice." "(Air hisses out)" "(claire sniffIes)" "(LachIan whimpers and groans)" "Somewhere" "It's written in a book that I've read" "Sometimes" "It's written just the way that you said" "The book I read"