"LARRY THE CABLE GUY:" "HEALTH INSPECTOR" "Hey, what's going on, Donnie?" " Hey, Larry." "You wanna play?" " You know what?" "I can't." "I'm late, and I gotta get something to eat." "My boss is a dickweed." "Dickweed." "Dickweed." "Dickweed!" "I'm okay." "I love that kid." "Dickweed!" "Young man, do you have any freshly-squeezed orange juice?" "I got your fresh squeeze right here, grandma." "Who the hell do you think you are?" "Name's Larry, and I'm the health inspector." "Brother, you is out of business." "Excuse me." "Excuse me." "Excuse me." "Hey, Jack Dabbs!" "New job keeping you on your toes?" " Is that your idea of a joke, Larry?" " No, I didn't mean it like that." "I just thought..." "You know, you're the new guy." "Hey, look, MoonPies." "It's the original tasty marshmallow sandwich." "I'll give you pick of the litter." "Oh, yeah, sure." "Give the guy in the chair first dibs." " No, I didn't mean it like that at all." " Son of a bitch." "Let me help you." "Hold on." "Let me help you get through here." "Oh, Larry, Tatlock wants to see you right away." "Hey, what's up, Tattycakes?" "I can't believe what I'm reading." "Oh, man, don't tell me gay bashers are sending you hate mail again." "The city is being sued for a damaged coccyx." " You think that's funny?" " No, I don't think it's funny." "I'm crying on the inside, okay?" "Once again, you've defiled and violated the very citizens you've sworn to protect." "You weren't even working under the jurisdiction of this department." "Nobody writes out more code violations than me, Larry." "And nobody leaves a bigger trail of destruction in their wake." "Well, it's about time I'm getting recognized." "I'm not giving you a compliment." "You know, since I can't baby-sit your inbred hillbilly ass 24 hours a day," "I've decided to assign you a partner." "A partner?" "Now, come on, you know I work alone." "I drive alone, I inspect alone, sometimes I'll even have sex alone." "But never on company time." "That's my policy." " Anyway, I work alone." " Not anymore." "Butlin!" " You called me in, sir?" " You gotta be kidding me." "First I lose my promotion to the pissed-off crippled feller that's only been here three weeks, and now you expect me, a man of my tenure, to work with a dadgum boy." "I'm Amy Butlin." "So your parents gave you a girly name to toughen you up." "I like that." "I've been very eager to be part of a collaboration ever since I graduated from the Academy." "Really want to get out in the field and..." "You ever fart so hard your back cracks?" "Oh, man, I gotta get out of here." "Good Lord Jesus and Dale Earnhardt Jr.," "I am a dadgum ticking time bomb." "That's my partner?" "Seriously?" "Good luck." "Larry?" "Larry, I figured I'd drive." "With gas prices where they are and American dependency on foreign fuel at an all-time high..." "Hey, Butlin, get in a real vehicle." "Hell's that thing run on?" "Strawberry douche?" "Park it." "What are you doing?" "Hey." "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa." "Hey!" "What are you doing?" "I was throwing these items into your external cargo bay." "Number one, it's gonna blow out, all right?" "And number two, it's making my truck look trashy." "Butlin, this is the Larrymobile." "You respect the Larrymobile." "Now, I don't want you moving nothing or touching nothing without the express written consent of me, Larry." "We clear?" " Respect the Larrymobile." "Got it." " Climb in." "Come on, son." "You act like you're 90 years old." "Let's go clean up the town." "Now, if you don't mind, Larry, I would actually prefer shadowing you from the other side, from the food prep area." "That way I can take notes and observe your procedure." " All right, Butlin, you go ahead." " Okay." "Morning." "This fish is raw!" "What are you trying to do, poison these folks in here?" " Larry!" " Sakamoto!" "How you doing, buddy?" "Very fine." "But you look good." "You been working out?" " Pushups." " Well, you do look good." "You try blowfish." "Rare delicacy." "Tell you what, I'd rather dip French fries in my grandma's bedsores." "I don't mean to interrupt, but may I bring up Subpart 4-501 of the Food Code?" "Believe me, if Sakamoto made it, I've brought it up." "I'm referring specifically to the part about" "Warewashing Process Evaluation." "The accepted procedure is to expose a securely-tied remote probe of a thermocouple or the sensor of a well-shielded maximum registering at least 4.8 on the scale." "So, if we could possibly go back..." " Butlin." " Yes." "What?" "You ain't gonna believe this, but there's a snow cone vendor" " out there not wearing a bra." " What?" "Is that a violation?" "No, but it makes me wanna get a snow cone." "Just watch that guy." "What the hell is that?" "Smells like deer urine." "It's not deer urine." "I have sensitive contacts." " Hey, you want a moonpie?" " No, I'm good." "Thank you." "I've got a whole glove compartment full of them." "I can see that." " What are you doing?" " I found a buyer for these." "Do you know how many $400 bottles of wine we have gathering dust back here?" "Would you prefer offering our customers wine by the box?" "I would prefer you don't run our mother's restaurant into the ground." "Well, honey, the All City Top Chef is in a few days." "If we win, we'll be fine." "I told you that." "You also told me I could start bartending or waitressing." " That never happened." " Well, I mean, you know, being in charge of security is a big responsibility." " You're ashamed of me." " No." "Oh, don't be ridiculous." "You wanted me to lose weight, and I went on Atkins." "You wanted me to dress for success, and..." "Okay." "You know what?" "You're right." "I'll tell you what." "Once we get through the All City, we'll talk about expanding your role at Micelli's." "That's my girl." "Hey, let me ask you something." "You think you could make me" " one of them fancy head deals?" " Sure." "Please, Larry, try our chicken dhansak." " Chicken dans-what?" " It is one of our popular dish." "You don't want me eating that next to an open flame." "Do you now, or have you to the best of your knowledge, ever had an infected wound containing pus, such as a lesion or boil on the hands or wrists?" "And has this infected wound that may or may not contain pus protected with an impermeable cover such as a finger cot or a..." "Larry, what..." "I'm reporting you for that." "Oh, come on, Butlin." "That immigrant food ain't that bad." "You deliberately impeded my line of questioning." "You undermined me and made it impossible for me to carry out my duties." "You didn't see any health hazards in there." "What you seen was a bunch of hard-working people." "Now, they may not know how to speak English good, like what I do, but they ain't doing anybody no harm, either." "So I sometimes let them slide on the small stuff, and they take real good care, and then I never have to bust them on the big stuff." "And your thoughtless actions resulted in the loss of my contact lens, which means now I have to go back to LensCrafters to replace them, and the mall is nowhere near..." "Damn it, Butlin, respect the Larrymobile." "Lord, are you okay?" "Are you all right?" "Listen, these mannequins, it's not your fault." " They are not very limber." " Oh, God." "The ones I got at the house, you can barely get the leg up over the ears, and they just snap off like a twig on..." "Well, I don't do that." "My cousin does that." "Nice work, Jane." "Very creative." "I'm really sorry." "I didn't mean to." "Yeah, well, you did." "And enough with your lame apologies, okay?" " I mean, you sound like a broken record." " Hey, wait a second." "She had nothing to do with them chest baskets" " hitting the floors." " "Chest baskets"?" " Boulder holders." " "Boulder holders"?" "Look, I could do this all day." "The point is, you gotta buy these and test-drive them before you put them on." "I mean, you don't wanna get one, get home, make your titties all cattywampus." "Good Lord, makes fellers cross-eyed and whatnot." " It ain't Christian." " Right." "I'm gonna have to ask you to vacate the premises, sir." "You hold on a second there." "I'm the health inspector," " and what we got here..." " Is not food-related." "Well, that depends." "According to the C-section of the Penile Code, a lot of these edible underbritches need to be refrigerated." "Sir, get out." "Out." "I'm really sorry." "Excuse me." "Hey, excuse me, ma'am?" "Excuse me." " Hey." "I'm Larry." " I'm Jane." "Jane Whitley." "Jane, are you okay?" "I didn't cause you any trouble in there, did I?" "Yeah, well, I just got fired." "But when you think about it," "I did kind of deserve it, really." "Don't tell me I got you fired." " No." " Oh, thank God." "She said I was lazy and irresponsible and unreliable." "Well, those sound like the story of my life, too." "Larry, where have you been?" "I've been looking all over for you." " I'm sorry." " Oh, no, I didn't mean to interrupt." "I'm not an impeder." "This is my partner." " I'm sorry." "I'm really sorry." " Not like partner-partner." "Not like gay partners." "He works under me." "We..." "No, I mean..." "Damn it." "You're always butling in." "That's kind of funny." "Your last name's Butlin, so, you see, you're kind of butling in." "It's a joke." " Big Shug made the Top 10." " I know." "That All City Top Chef's a big deal." "They's a lot of restaurants in that." "You know, started with 300." "300 pretenders, but only one king." "I'm gonna tell you, I'm pulling for you, Shug." "You know I am." "You know why?" "'Cause you dream big, just like your name." "Big Shug." "Just so you know, when I win, I ain't gonna forget my friends." "Right." "I already forget all my friends, and I ain't never won a damn thing." "You know what I'm gonna do with that $250,000?" " Hopefully get me four new truck tires." " Nope." "Man, come on, Shug." "Hook a brother up, playa." "No." "I'm gonna open up Big Shug's all across the country." " Finally get Whitey off my back." " Let me ask you something." "Why you gotta call us "whitey" all the time?" "I mean, that's pretty racialistic." "He ain't white." "That's my landlord's name." "Whitey Johnson." "He just as black as me." "I'm just saying." "Tell you what, though, you got some balls getting in that All City Big Chef tournament." "I mean, they's some good restaurants in there." "You know who had big balls?" "My grandpa." "He got stung by a bee right down there in the testicular area." "Sumbitches swolled up." "I mean, they was infected." "Looked like he was sitting on a beanbag chair every time I went over to his house." "We ended up getting him a testicle tourniquet." "A testicle tourniquet?" " Yeah, a oyster catcher." " Oyster catcher?" "I can do this all day." "Larry, if you're done here, there are a few items that require your attention in the back." "Hey, I'm gonna go to the bathroom." "I gotta take the Browns to the Super Bowl." "Hey, Larry, the men's room is out of TP." "This is all the butt-wiping paper I need right here." " Thank you for your time." " Sure." "Okay." "Okay, bye." "Let me help you, Jack." "Here we go." "Now, see how we done that?" "That's teamwork right there, buddy." "Appreciate you coming down." "Let me help you out with your beer." "Don't be an asshole, Larry." "My arms aren't paralyzed." "Hey, man, I'm just trying to help out." "So, how's that new partner working out for you?" "Don't even talk about Butlin." "I promised myself tonight Butlin is staying out of the conversations." "I'll tell you what pisses me off about Butlin." "You ever see that program, Sesame Street?" "Bert and Ernie, them little fellers." "You ever see them?" " Yeah." " That was a team, all right?" "They got all their work done, but yet they had dadgum fun." "Butlin is too uptight." "He's loud, he's gross, he's rude." "He urinated in a thermos on the way to an inspection." "I don't know." "You think it might be 'cause of some freak accident that Butlin was born that way?" "I don't know." "I probably ought to be a good Christian about it." "Here I am, blessed with square-jawed good looks and firm, muscular buttocks and good health." "That's the important one, good health." "Gotta have good health, or nothing else matters." "Shame to have all that and then Butlin's got this bug that lives up his ass." "Just ain't fair." "You're talking to a guy who feels nothing from the waist down about someone having a bug up their ass?" "It's not that he doesn't know what he's doing." "I mean, when there's a serious code violation, he's quick enough to write it up." "It's just that he doesn't take the job seriously." "And it's a serious job." "Come on, let me help you out." "You haven't had a drink all..." " Jack, I'm just trying..." " I don't want it." "Have a..." "Now, look what you've gone and done, Jack." "I didn't mean to do that." "I was just trying to help you out, and you went and spilled it." "Now, just stand still." "Oh, damn!" "After lunch today, he told me there was a brown snake playing peek-a-boo with his butt hole." "I aced Bio." "I do not recall brown snakes." "Check it out." "I'm so glad we finally came here." "This place is so amazing." "The best is yet to come." " I don't have room for dessert, Tad." " I'm not talking about dessert." "Debbie Goldstein, will you do me the honor..." " Tad?" " What?" "That was the chair." " Just the chair." " Oh." "Debbie Goldstein..." "Oh, my God!" "Debbie." "Where's the ladies' room?" "Oh, my stomach." " Oh, God." " God, that's disgusting!" "Almost cleaned up." "My phone's ringing." "I'm gonna leave you these napkins." "Larry's the name, health inspecting's the game." "Are you serious?" "I'm gonna be down there." "Don't touch nothing." "Never mind." "Jack, I'm sorry." "I forgot that you were still in there." "You want me to help you through these?" "I'll help you." "Okay." "Somebody take care of him." " Incoming call." " Butlin." "What?" "Health inspector." "Nobody leaves, nobody enters without my say-so." "Now, we're gonna need to cordon off the area..." "What the hell?" "Excuse me, sir, we require a jacket." "Well, you're gonna require stitches, there, Frère Jacques," " you don't let me in there." " You must have a reservation." "I do have a reservation." "Fist, party of five." "Jane?" "I didn't know you speak Spanish." "That's pretty good." "Boy, you don't waste any time, do you?" "Last time I seen you, you was up at the panty store with your hands all over a naked plastic woman." "'Course, you could say the same thing about me as well." "There you are." "I've been looking all over for you." "Hey, you're that woman from the mall." "Neat." "I'm gonna take some food samples." "Yeah, why don't you go take some food samples?" "She really is your partner-partner." "I just got that." "Wow." "Wow." "Pretty and smart." "We do have a lot in common." "Don't you have an investigation to conduct?" "Oh, believe me, I'm conducting." "Believe me." "Butlin!" " To the kitchen." " Okay." "Larry." " What are you doing here?" " I'll handle this." "Boss, we was on-call tonight." "We got a call about some farting Jewish folks." "We responded." "Also, I'm working on this little number over here in the black skirt." "You're out of your league, numbnuts." "I tell you what." "Why don't you go over to Sizzler and see if they got enough wet naps?" "Yeah, that's hilarious." " Come on, Butlin." "We's off the case." " What?" "Why?" "Ask Tatlock." " Wait a minute." " Oh, God, not again." "Get a whiff of that." "That smell familiar?" "Yeah." "Yeah, it smells like the drops I use for my..." " Shit!" " Excuse me?" "Oh." "That's what happens when you put eye drops in someone's drink." "It gives them the wicked shits." "I used to be a barmaid, and we'd do it to customers who stiffed us." " Neat." " Why are you still here?" "Boss, listen." "I'm gonna tell you right now." "This might be a put-up job." "I think somebody's putting something in the water around here." "The only thing that's gonna get put up around here is my foot up your ass, if you do not leave immediately." " That's an order." " Yes, sir." " But how about..." " An order." " How about..." " Stop." " If I..." " Don't." "I..." "Oh, thanks." "I know, it's the dry air." "I get boogers all the time." "No, no, no, that..." "That was my phone number." "I knew that." "I would be happy to look into that, Ms. Micelli." "Thank you, Mr. Mayor." " Vera?" " Yes, Mr. Mayor?" "Yes, can you pull the file on Twilight Moments Assisted Living?" "I wanna make sure I'm prepared for the groundbreaking tomorrow." "Thank you." "I could jot down some talking points on Medicare and prescription drugs for seniors, if that would be helpful." " Oh, no, thank you." " All right." "It breaks my heart that we can't help these old people anymore." "I know." "Your reservations are also confirmed for tonight at Micelli's." "Oh, Micelli's." "That..." "My wife just loves the tiramisu." "It's delicious." "Is there anything else I can do for you, Mr. Mayor?" " Maybe there is." " Yes, sir." "Would it be out of line if I asked you if you could just rub my shoulders?" "Yeah, it kind of would." "Well, that's why I didn't ask you." " If that'll be all." " Yes, thank you, Vera." " Thank you, sir." " See you tomorrow." "What is her problem?" " I'm not happy." " Oh, man, you got more letters?" "Don't worry, boss, they're just allegations." "I mean, look, you got a wife that's semi-good-looking, a couple squirrelly kids running around the house." "I mean, that spells "real man" in my book." "There were rat droppings in the food at Clarito's last night." "Now, that's our finest five-star restaurant." "We've never had a complaint about them before." "This comes chronologically adjacent to last week's incident" " at Les Deux Coquilles." " Lay who where?" " The French restaurant." " Your emergency call, remember?" "Well, I remember me and the boy here coming up with some hard evidence of foul play, but nobody paid us no mind." "For some incomprehensible reason, the Mayor's office has requested that you, specifically you, be assigned to investigate the Clarito's incident." "Like the song goes, you must have friends in high places." "No, that's Friends in Low Places." " Different song." " Who sings it?" "Look, it doesn't matter, all right?" "I don't care what kind of strings you pulled to get this gig." "Screw this one up." "I'm begging you, Larry." "Did the rodent droppings have any specific shape or form?" "I have been working 10 years to build the reputation of Clarito's into a nice, clean, respectable joint." "Look, believe me, we sympathize, Chef Carmine." "I'm assuming you've never had a rodent problem like this in the past." "Rats?" "Are you kidding me?" "I mean, I'm mortified." "Well, guess what?" "You got a whole nest of them, big mothers." "Rattus norvegicus." "Norway rats." "Come over to this country from Europe, I'd say around, oh, 1774." "But there's one thing that concerns me about these here rats." "Every kind of rat, be it a sewer rat or a field rat or a rug rat, is basically a Norway rat." "I thought this rat was the same as in my bathroom, regular big city rats." "However, there's one difference here." "Look at the turd-cutter on that thing." "Look at that." "It's too clean." "It is too clean." "It don't stink." "Nothing." "That only mean one thing." "That there is a lab rat, which means..." "Someone planted these rats here." " Exactly." " Oh, boy." "Who would besmirch the name of Clarito in such a manner?" " Who?" " You got enemies?" "I only have friends." "Former employees that are mad at you?" " No." " Ex-wives wanna make you suffer?" "No, nobody." "No." "How about strippers that said you'd buy them a new pair of titties 'cause you said something you shouldn't have said one night when you was drunk in the bar and then her boyfriend threatened to kill you, so you had to change your phone number," " and even that didn't work..." " Larry." "Well, I'm just covering the bases." "This is your idea of evidence?" " "The rats' butts are too clean."" " That's right, Tatster." "Case is closed." "However, there's just two little, teeny pieces of the puzzle we need." "Who done it and why?" "This ain't some isolationist event." " Here's what I think." " I don't give a rat's ass what you think." "All right?" "What is so damn hilarious?" "You just said "rat's ass."" "I mean, don't you think that's kind of funny?" "I mean, considering we was just talking about rats' asses." "That is an amusing coincidence." "Out." "Get out!" "What's happening?" "Are we following up on a lead?" "Did we make a break in the case?" "If that break in the case involves me getting some," " we just knocked it wide open." " Getting some what?" " Oh." " That's right." "Seems like your mentor and role model just got himself a date with Jane, the waitress." "I'm gonna take her down there to the buffet at the bus station." " Sounds romantic." " Butlin, a man's got needs, all right?" "I mean, you ought to know." "Hell, I seen you making goo-goo eyes" " at Big Shug." " Excuse me?" "Don't get all defenseless, all right?" "I don't care if you swing the other way." "I mean, come on, I'm not homeopathic." "Are you really taking her to a buffet at a bus station?" "I mean, take her somewhere special." "She'll never see it coming." "Keep burning the midnight oil, Butlin, all right?" "Leave the lady-killing to me." "Hey, Ironsides, I know you're busy." "I don't wanna interrupt you." "But, listen, you're working the five-star beat, right?" "You know, the one with all the foreign menus and cripple ramps and whatnot?" " Yes." " I got a date with this girl Jane, who's the crème de la crème." "And get this." "Butlin wants me to take her down there to that buffet by the bus station." " A buffet on a bus?" " Exactly." "You believe that?" "I wanna take her someplace nice so she thinks I'm a classy guy." "Can you help me?" "I'm not a miracle worker." "Well, obviously not." "If you was, you'd have got up out of that wheelchair and kicked my ass a couple weeks ago." "Seriously, I need something fancy." " Yeah, I might know a place." " Cool." " Micelli's." " Hey, it's Jack Dabbs." "Well, hello, Jack." "My colleague Larry is coming in tonight." "Take care of him, okay?" "I most certainly will." "Hi." "I can't believe you got a reservation here." "I think it takes, like, months to get a table." "Not that I would know." "I mean, I don't really get out that much." "Well, doors open when you're with Larry." "How you doing, partner?" "Listen, called earlier, talked to François, Antonio, something or other." "But they had saved me a couple seats down here." "I don't think so, sir." "Well, I'm sure they did." "Can I look in your little fancy book?" "Yep, there I am right there." " That's you?" " Yes, sir." " Denzel Washington?" " Yeah." "I own Denzel's Leaf and Lawn Service." "You know what, you ought to come down there." "You look like a guy that would appreciate getting blowed." "Larry, it's okay." "We don't have to eat here." "We..." " Larry, isn't it?" " Well, lookie here." " It is so nice to see you." " Mayor, how are you?" "Actually, that's Denzel Washington." "How dare you?" "This man is a hardworking public servant, and you have the audacity to put him down like that?" "I didn't." "It was him, sir." "Mr. Mayor, please accept my sincere apologies." " I'll take you to your table." " I am sure you will." "See you later." "Come on, baby." "I'm so hungry I could eat the butt hole out of a skunk." "I dropped my balls." "I'll get it." "Usually, a feller's balls don't drop till he's 65." "Larry." " Good evening." "I'm Lily Micelli." " Larry!" " Hello." "Hi." " What the hell?" "How are you doing?" " Fine, thank you." " Wonderful." "Larry, this is Lily Micelli, the owner." " Miss Machiavelli, how are you?" " Very well, thank you." "You run a nice restaurant in here." "Let me ask you something." "Do you got one of them toilets where it shoots cold water up your crack?" "When I heard that a member of our Health Department had been mistreated by one of our staff," " I was appalled." " No, don't worry about that." "I wouldn't let myself in, either." "Not even if somebody would've slipped me a fifty." " Not even then." " Oh, that's very generous of you." "Now, I would really hope that you would accept something from our premium wine cellar." "Oh, boy, that's the fancy stuff." "Yeah." "Fill her up." "You're living in the big time now." "No wonder you're making money." " Just taste the wine, Larry." " Oh, yeah." "Boy, that is good." "I feel so comfortable with you." "You know what?" "Other than my underbritches creeping up on me," "I feel pretty comfortable around you, too." "Oh, I probably should have told you this before, but I didn't think we'd..." " What is it?" " I..." "I live with someone, sort of." "Boy, that figures." "A guy like me doesn't end up with a piece..." "Nice, wonderful, intelligent, career-minded woman such as yourself." "I knew there had to be a catch somewhere." "No, no, no, no." "There's no catch." " It's just..." " Well, what is it?" "Okay, if I let you in, you just have to promise not to be judgmental." "Shoot, I have seen some twisted stuff, all right." "Whatever you got going in here, believe me, I can handle it." "I remember one time I had a cottage cheese..." "Larry, this is my mom." "Nice to meet you, ma'am." ""Nice to meet you, ma'am."" "Mom, Larry works for the Health Inspection Unit." "As what?" "A warning sign?" ""Eat right, or you'll end up looking like this piece of shit."" "She's a little shy around new people." "Shy?" "Oh, man, I love sassy fat chicks." "Well, look at this silver-tongued bastard." "Trying to sweet-talk me like I'm his third cousin." "Hey, Pabst Blue Ribbon." "My kind of girl, right there." "So, how did you become a health inspector?" "I mean, working for the government, it must be so exciting." "Well, I gotta tell you, keeping people from blowing chunks and crapping on themselves is pretty much all I ever been good at." "I mean, nobody really knows the responsibility I carry around." "But you must have dreams and aspirations." "Boy, I gotta tell you, I don't really have a lot of dreams." "Had one a couple weeks back after I left the bar" " and had some of that skunky beer." " Oh, yeah?" "What was it?" "Big, giant woman made out of MoonPies." "She looked a lot like Lulu from Hee Haw." "I don't have that dream about her no more, though." "No?" "Who do you dream about now?" "Little bit smaller girl." "Looks a little bit like you." "In a moonpie bikini." "Any chance you didn't hear that?" "Listen, I apologize." "I gotta run to the toilet." "My stomach ain't felt this bad since I had them fish sticks out of the vending machine at the Phillips 66." "It's down the hall, the first door on your left." "I appreciate it." "Oh, damn." " Is everything all right in there?" " Everything's fine." "Everything's good." "Good Lord Jesus and his shepherds." "Are you serious?" " Are you sure you're okay?" " Yeah." "Might need a Shop-Vac in there, but I'm doing pretty good." "Well, it's getting kind of late." "Yeah, but not too late for a man and a woman to get to know one another." "Let me tell you something." "When I seen you through the window down there at the panty store," "I said to myself, I said, "Self, that's your someone, right there."" "I bet that left a mark." "Sounds like you got something honking for the right of way." "Larry, I think you should go." "Yeah, it is getting kind of late." "Maybe I ought to leave." "Okay." "Nighty-night." "I'm gonna tell you something." "This ain't no coincidence." "I mean, this whole thing has been planned and organized." "I wouldn't be surprised if the sumbitch was pre-medicated." " What are you saying?" " The crimes." "I mean, it's the same mojo apperandi." "Evidently, somebody's got a grudge against high-class, hoity-toity restaurants." "Like a pressure group of angry vegans?" "Or maybe it's PETA." "Damn it, Butlin, you mean to tell me you know the name of the guy and you haven't even told anybody?" "It's People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals." "You're talking crazy talk now." "I tell you what, we get a reservation list from all the poisoned restaurants, we'll find our poisoner." "That's certainly one way to go, but we do need a backup plan." "A backup plan?" "Butlin, let me ask you something." "Did Patton need a backup plan at Gettysburg?" "Oh, God." "Did what-you-call-her have a backup plan down there at Custard's Last Stand with the Mexican?" "Or better yet, did my friend Donnie have a backup plan when he shaved his pubes with a rusty kitchen knife?" "Okay, no backup plan." "Glad we understand each other." "Okay, there you are." "Our entire database at your disposal." "Database." "Right." "And my last month's reservations are in a separate folder." " Oh, cool, you got a folder." " Yeah." "Right." "Now, look, I'll leave you here to your investigation." "I've got an appointment with my crab supplier." "Yeah, I had an appointment with mine a couple weeks ago." "She denied everything." "I ought to be on Leno." "What the hell?" ""Them handcuffs left a mark!"" "Well, now." "What in tarnation?" "Get a good look?" "Mom, I didn't know you was here this..." "I work here, all right?" "I'm with the Health Department." "That's my badge right there." "Yeah?" "All right." "Maybe you are who you say you are." "And maybe you are who you said you..." "What the hell are you, exactly?" "I make sure Micelli's is free of undesirables." "We have a lot in common, then." "Let me ask you something." "What do you find is the best way to get rid of rat turds?" "Take a walk, crumb cop." "She was so ugly, she could have trick-or-treated over the telephone." "I wasn't scared of her, though." "I was scared for her." "If she'd set me off, I'd have come down on her with one of them pile drivers, and then..." "Nailed a bionic elbow on her." "What's a bionic elbow?" "Oh, for Pete's sake, don't tell me you don't watch wrestling." "Not so much." "Dadgum it, Butlin, what kind of man are you?" "I was unable to find any matches between the reservation lists at Clarito's and Les Deux Coquilles, and you couldn't find anything at Micelli's." "Oh, I found something, all right." "Found out old Lily Micelli ain't as prim and proper as she makes out." "Yep, she's a regular Girls Gone Wild with them dirty e-mail." " How does that help us?" " I don't know how it helps you, but it helps me in my decision on getting one of them computers." "Larry's the name, health inspecting's the game." "No." "Are you serious?" "Don't touch nothing." "I'll be right there." "Hold on, Butlin, make sure we got the right address." "Are you kidding me?" "Now, Gaz, there's really nothing wrong." " So a few people got sick." " Just a few." "All right, all right, so maybe some people vomited" " in the parking lot." " "Vomited"!" "Maybe there was something wrong with the way the food was prepared this evening." "Sod this for a game of soldiers." "I'm slinging me hook!" "Now, Gaz, please." "Now, the All City is just around the corner." "We went to great expense to bring you here." "Butlin?" "Looks like a casting call for Zorro, the Gay Blade in here." " Let's get out of here." " I don't give a toss about your poxy chef contest." "About your poxy chef contest." " Well, yes, it's a very..." " Just sod off!" "Think my buddy Big Shug is gonna love this." "I cannot wait to call him." "These fancy restaurants is dropping like flies." "Big Shug." "Who now has a chance at winning the All City, now that all the competition has fallen victim to mysterious outbreaks of food poisoning." "Butlin, don't you even say what I think you're fixing to say." " Oh, the motive's right there." " What, a pepper shaker?" "It's right in front of your face, and you don't wanna see it." "You wanna close your eyes and pretend it's not happening." "That's what she said." "You think Big Shug can't possibly be guilty because he's a friend of yours." " You know how I spend my days?" " Not at the gay bar, that's for sure." "I spend them reassuring the people of this city that the outbreak of poisonings is under control." "That the department's on top of it." "That people don't have to worry when they go out to eat at their favorite restaurants." "Sir, we had a lead that we were pursuing vigorously." "Unfortunately..." "Quiet, Butlin!" "The only reason you're on this case is to help me get this gun-toting redneck fired." ""Gun-toting"?" "Wait a second, I ain't got guns no more." "I got rid of them when Donnie broke into my truck" " and shot himself in the nuts." " Donnie?" "Who the hell is Donnie?" "He's my semi-retarded neighbor." "However, he might be full-blowed retarded." "I ain't figured it out yet." "He's a good kid, though." "You know, I hear tell he just got a job down there at the theaters, ripping tickets and sweeping floors and whatnot." " He's doing pretty..." " Shut up." "The city attorney tells me you're one legitimate infraction away from having your ass tossed out on the street." "I want you to go out there and bring me back results without breaking any rules, or you're done." "End of story." "End of Larry." "Using all my years of experience on the health beat and my intuition and ability to follow the thought processes of the criminal mind," "I will now point to the next restaurant on the poisoner's list." "So we go and tell the owners of the Office Kingdom that a brilliant mixture of science and mathematics has determined they're the next likely victims?" " We go and tell the Fatted Calf." " That's it, the Fatted Calf." "But we don't." "We get an undercover agent to do it." "That's a great idea." "I'll do it." "Butlin?" "Listen, I don't know how to tell you this, all right?" "So I'm just gonna come out and say it." "You're not exactly undercover material." "At least, yet." "Butlin, imagine, if you will, we're in one of the nicest restaurants in the city right here." "For sake of argument, let's call it Le Larry." "Hello, welcome to Le Larry." "I'm Amelia, your server." "May I interest you two in a selection from our wine cellar?" "The '91 cabernet sauvignon would be great." " Good choice." " Hey, Larry!" " Do you want to play?" " I can't right now, Donnie." "I'm working." "Let's play!" " Oh, my God!" "Is he okay?" " I'm okay!" "Attaboy, Donnie!" "Yeah, don't worry about him." "He does that all the time." "Oh, remember when he..." "He got in this fart contest a long time ago, and they was..." "He was farting a song, Jimmy Crack Corn, and he got a little..." "Larry, can we get back on point here, please?" "Thank you." "Oh." "Sure." "Well, look at the little feller we got waitressing on us." "Hey, little feller." "Why don't you run and get us one of them nice Boone's Farm wines?" "It don't matter what flavor." "We're not picky here at this table." "This is the stupidest thing I've ever..." "Le Larry is a classy place, okay?" "We don't serve Boone Farm." "Damn it, Butlin." "People been drinking Boone's Farm wine in this country ever since the Lord cometh over here on the Mayflower over 100 years ago." "Jane, I'm sorry you had to get involved in this gigantic waste of time." "Larry, I have a case to work." "Come on, she was trying." "Butlin." "Butlin!" " What?" " I wanna tell you something." "You're raw." "You is raw." "But you know what you got?" "Balls." "You got balls, and that's what it takes to be a health inspector." " Thanks, Larry." " Damn right." "Butlin, I bequeath to you this microphone cord and earplug so you can go undercover in the Health Department." "Test 2." "Roger 9 to Butlin." "Butlin, is this on?" "Can you hear me?" "Butlin." "Butlin, turn your microphone on!" " Testing, testing." " All right, Butlin, listen, you need to be a chameleon." "Blend in." "Okay." "Oh, sorry." "Sorry." "Sorry about that." "One thing you do not want to do is stand out." "Oh, God!" " Sorry." " Butlin, good Lord, what happened?" "Sounds like you're a bull in a Chinaman's shop in there." "I had front-row tickets to Nugent, and he wasn't as loud as you." "Shut up, Larry." "Hello, sir." "For tonight's specials, we have sautéed trenne with beef Bolognese, peacock kale and parmesan." "Butlin, it's not Bolognese, it's bologna." "I understand you have a particularly impressive squab." "Hey, Butlin, he's checking out your package." "What did you do?" "Get a chubby when you went in there?" "Think about..." "Think about baseball." "Can't believe you're the only feller who'd get a chubby on an undercover." "Damn it, I am a woman." "I have breasts." "They may not be especially large, but they're perky, and my nipples could cut glass!" "What?" "No, no, no." "Oh, Mayor Gunn." "Don't beat yourself up, Butlin." "Undercover ain't something you master overnight." "I remember one time they sent me down there to Hooters and had me acting like a drunken, loud-mouthed slob..." " Larry, the Mayor's here." " Where?" "He just walked into the kitchen with Chef Leon." "Butlin, wake up and smell the cat box, for God's sake!" " What are you talking about?" " The Mayor!" "Don't you get it?" "Now he can see us at work." "Only we're gonna get a big promotion for this." " Monsieur, I cannot do this." " Oh, of course you can." "It's just a little sprinkle here." "You're asking me to poison the food that I took so long to prepare?" "Oh, no, no, no, Chef." "Not at all, not at all." "If I do this, no one must ever know." "Thank you." "Larry, did you hear that?" "Larry!" "Larry!" "Excuse me." "Were you eavesdropping on my conversation?" " No." " Are you with the press?" "No!" "Sodomite!" "Sodomite!" "You have brought shame to our family." "Flaunting yourself in front of the imperialist swine, leaving me to do nothing but fend for myself at the house with nothing but a goat for company." " You heard all that, right?" " Oh, I heard." " You got it all on tape, right?" " I got it." " So what are we gonna do?" " Oh, we're gonna nail the Mayor." "He is going down faster than a bottle of Vicodin at Courtney Love's house." "I have died and gone to Larry heaven!" "Look at that 10-point buck!" "Congratulations, son." "I'd pat you on the back, but you shot me in the neck." "A talking buck?" "I ain't never seen nothing like that." "I even got my own jukebox." "Gonna play me a song." "Hot damn!" "Kid Rock!" "I got the boat full of gas, cooler full of beer." "Let's go kick some bass." "Good Lord, the Virgin Mary and a grilled cheese sandwich." "I'm going fishing with Kid Rock." "Hey, Larry, sure you don't wanna catch something a little hotter?" " Jane?" " Nice rod." "She said rod." "Got a major dilemma here." "One hand, Kid Rock wants to take me fishing." "But on the other hand, I got Jane, who's a girl, and apparently wants to get naked with me in a biblical way." "Don't know what to do." "Gonna have to make this decision on your own." "Come on, Larry." "What are you, queer?" " The deer makes a good point." " He does at that." " Come on, dear." " Yes!" "Not you." "You." "Man, this is gonna be a good day." "I'm just saying there's a case for exercising caution." "And I'm saying there's a case of Pabst Blue Ribbon right back there in the back that I'm gonna open up when we put the Mayor away." "And you know what?" "You can't have any of it if you keep talking about gathering more evidence." "I just think that..." "Here's what you need to be thinking about." "You need to be thinking about a cool little catchphrase to say" " when we get him." " What do you mean?" "Well, you gotta have a cool catchphrase." "I mean, it's in the rule book." "Like that time I busted that chef at the Golden Goose for dealing drugs in the kitchen." "I said, "Your goose is cooked."" "So what do we say to the Mayor?" ""We're from the Health Department, and we'd like to talk to you."" "Tell you what, Butlin, I'll handle the catchphrase." "How do you answer charges that you've been an ineffective mayor, that you've mainly devoted yourself to finding ways to contribute to your own bank account?" "Well, everyone knows that I'm a tireless campaigner for this city." "The people, they know what kind of man I am." "Health Department!" " Sir, I tried to tell them..." " It's okay." "I know these people." "Anything I could do to help the Health Department." " Let's get a picture." " Picture?" "You poisoned all them restaurants." "You know what you is?" "You're a damn restaurant-poisoning mayor." "We have evidence that you're behind the incidents at Les Deux Coquilles," "Clarito's, Bottle and Micelli's." "Yeah, just what she said, every one of them." "Evidence?" "Incidents?" "I don't know what you're talking about." "Turn that thing off." ""Don't know what we's talking about."" "Maybe this little tape recorder I got will refresh your memory a little bit." "Oh, Larry, right there." "Right there, that's perfect." "You need it higher?" "I can go higher." "Oh, damn." "Wrong side." " I cannot do this." " Oh, of course you can." "It's just a little sprinkle here." "You're asking me to poison the food that I took so long to prepare?" "Leaves a bad taste in your mouth, don't it?" "Not as good as the Golden Goose," " but pretty good." " That was a good one." "That was Chef Leon." "I was asking him to garnish my chicken piccata with French's Mustard." "But he's such a perfectionist, he said no." "He didn't wanna ruin his masterpiece." "French's Mustard, chicken pickoters..." "You're a drowning man, Mayor Gunn." " Drowning man!" " Chef Leon, it's Mayor..." "Chef Leon, Larry." "Health inspector." "Yeah, I'm up here with your partner-in-crime, soon-to-be ex-Mayor Gunn." "He is singing like an autistic choirboy at the American Idol." "Told me the whole story." "Yeah." "Oh, really?" "So that French's Mustard really tastes that good on it?" "No kidding." "Yeah?" "No, no." "No, I don't feel like an idiot at all." "No, we're..." "No." "Matter of fact, I'm gonna run and get some." "Oh, yeah, we was just talking about how it tastes and stuff, good and all that." "Yeah, to..." "I gotta go." "This is hard to swallow." "Don't worry about it, Butlin." "We'll be all right." "No, no, that was my cool catchphrase." ""It's hard to swallow." Swallowing is impeded." "Chef Leon, it's Mayor..." " Chef Leon, Larry." "Health inspector." " Cripe's sake." "Nice work, Jane." "This is the guy you were thinking about letting in your pants?" "Looks like he has trouble getting into his own pants." "Oh, my God!" " Shut up already." " Mom, enough!" "Come here." "You accused the Mayor." "You had no evidence." "I had a gut feeling." "Man, it might have been indigestion, actually." "Well, you've been an embarrassment to this department a long time," " but now you're officially a liability." " That's harsh." "I wore the wire." "It wasn't his fault." "I thought the Mayor was guilty, too." "This was your first assignment." "You're only guilty of secondhand stupidity." "MoonPie?" "Can't believe I actually got fired." "That sumbitch." "After all I've done for this company, for them to go ahead..." "Hey!" "What the..." "Hey, that's my truck!" "Now it is officially a sucky day." "Whatever it is, it can't be so bad a plate of chicken and waffles can't make it go away." "You don't even know." "I even deep-fried the coleslaw just the way you like it." "Man, Shug, I screwed up." "I lost my thing." "Your virginity?" "No, I lost that when I was horseback riding when I was 10." "No, I lost my nose for the truth." "That's what I did." "You know what, you gonna laugh when I tell you this, but I actually thought at one point in time that you was the one behind all the food poisonings at these restaurants." "I didn't say you did." "I was just..." "You're gonna laugh about this in the morning." "What the hell?" "Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me, Mr. Mayor." "This is for you." "Hi, Larry." "Hey, Donnie!" "Thank the Lord." "Hey, you wanna play some ball?" "You have misrepresented a deeply-loved public official." "Dickweed." "Larry, it's Jane." "Larry?" "Larry, open the door." "What do you want, you backstabbing backstabber?" "You're drunk." "Well, I may be drunk, but in the morning I'll be sober." "And you'll be a backstabbing backstabber." "But tomorrow, I'll still be drunk." "Hey, why don't you just go run over to your buddy, the Mayor?" "Larry, open this door, or I'm gonna call the police and have them break it down." "You ain't the first woman to make that threat." "However, you are the first one to make that threat to get in here." "Get me the police." "Hello, police?" "Hello?" "I'm standing outside 114 Sycamore Street." "Another lie." "Boy, I tell you what, lies just fall out of your mouth like stuff that falls out of people's mouths when they lie." "Larry, what are you talking about?" "I've never lied to you." "Never." "You are so busted, Jane." "If that's even your real name, Jane." "I mean, I seen you canoodling with the Mayor What's-his-toes." "Oh, good..." "Do you even know what canoodling means?" "Yes, I do know." "Canoodle." "To canoodle." " Wow." " I don't know." "You are an idiot!" "You know what?" "I may be, but tomorrow..." "You'll still be an idiot." "Amy called me." "She told me what happened." "She didn't believe the Mayor wasn't involved, so she asked me to go on a date with him to see if I could get him to do or say anything incriminating, okay?" "You get it, dumb ass?" "Damn, girl, what got into you?" "Why, you're more fired up than Rosie O'Donnell at the titty bar." "I don't know." "Listen, listen, the Mayor gave me this." "He told me to expect a hot personal message from him." "'Course, I gave bigballer23 a fake address." " Who?" " Bigballer23." "That's His Honor's super-secret address for his super-secret little affairs with super-stupid girls." "Bigballer23." "Larry!" "Bigballer23." "Now we're getting somewhere." "Well, I hope you got good insurance, man." "These punks sure did a number on your truck." "Are you serious?" "You know how much money I put into that truck?" "Unbelievable." "Are you kidding me?" "Sweet!" "They didn't even touch it." "Unbelievable." "Hey, what are the odds of this?" "Somebody steal your truck, and it looks good as new." "It's unbelievable." "You know what that is?" "That's a miracle from the Lord Jesus himself." "I'm gonna start going to church every Sunday 'cause of this." "Except for next Sunday, 'cause I got a fishing tournament." "Hey, don't I know you from somewhere?" "Oh, I got that kind of face." "People are always getting me confused with guys that cheated on their wives in the Port-O-Let at Daytona Beach during the Budweiser Shootout at about 4:00 in the afternoon..." "No, no, I know where it is." "Micelli's." "Yeah, that's it." "Yeah, my wife and I went there the other day for dinner." "Yeah, you were there." "Couldn't get in." "The Mayor stood up for you." " That's cool." " Yeah, I was up there at Micelli's." "Let me ask you this, how long did it take you to hit the Mylanta bottle after you got sick up there?" "From the food." "After you got sick on the food." "I didn't get sick." "Yeah." "We had friends join us later." "They didn't get sick, either." "That's interesting." "Mr. Mayor." "Expecting somebody else?" "Larry, this is ridiculous." "Look around." "I got security men all over this park." "One false move from you, they'll be handcuffing you to the bench." "Well, that'd give us something else in common, wouldn't it, bigballer23?" "I don't know what you're talking about." " Bet your wife would know." " Please, don't upset my wife." "Larry, is there anything I could do for you?" "I could use some free rental on bowling shoes on Saturday." "I could do that." "What does that have to do with you recommending me for the fancy restaurant beat?" "Yes, someone did recommend you, but I had nothing to do with it." "Who did it?" "No, no, careful with the shirt." "It's a Donald Trump." "Are you kidding me?" "I didn't even know he had his own collection." "Wait a minute." "Who did it?" "Who did it?" "Lily Micelli?" "The owner of the restaurant?" "Yep." "Seems like the Mayor and the Mudcelli were making a little weenie linguini." "And she asked him to recommend you for the five-star restaurant beat?" "That's right." "Notice when I got the gig, she stopped dilling his pickle." " "Dilling his pickle"?" " Look, I could do this all day." "But why would Lily Micelli want the Mayor to put Larry on the job?" " Because she wanted a sucker." " That's right." "And when she couldn't find one, she got me." "Well, you was half-right, Butlin." "Look at that!" "You thought Big Shug was the one knocking out all the competition." "Right idea." "Wrong poisoner." " I always knew he was innocent." " No, just wait." "Larry, when we ate at Micelli's, we got sick, remember?" "My mom will still not go near that bathroom, and she got it re-grouted." "That reminds me." "Tell your mom I need to go down there to housewares and pick her up some new kitty cat dishtowels." "Larry, we need evidence." "If I accuse someone else and I'm wrong again, I might just..." "End up like me." "Butlin, you have done a tremendous job." "And I don't need you risking your neck no more." "This is my problem." "I'm gonna clean it up." "How?" "You can't go anywhere near Lily or the All City without Tatlock going ballistic." "We'll see about that." "The prize?" "$250,000." "But more than just money, the All City is the Super Bowl of cook-offs." "Once there were 10, now there are two." "A strange, controversial series of events has left us with Big Shug's Tasty Chicken and Waffles" "and Micelli's." "A classic David versus Goliath showdown." "Judging tonight's event is the reigning Miss Tri-County, Sung Yoo," "Channel 13 Food Critic Ted Baily, and star of Leave It to Beaver, Jerry Mathers." "And last, but certainly not least, the finest mayor this city has ever had." "Please, put your hands together for the honorable Mayor, Maurice T. Gunn!" "Thank you." "Thank you very much." "On an undercover, a feller can live or die by the credibility of his disguise." "What do you think, Schmoolie?" "I knew it." "I look too much like Russell Crowe, don't I?" "Ms. Micelli, Mr. Shug, you know what your mission is." "To make a starter fit for a king in three minutes." "Are you ready?" "Let's go!" "And we're off." "Ladies and gentlemen, the moment we've all been waiting for." "It's uptown versus downtown, the boxer versus the puncher, high society versus high cholesterol." "Holy Coke nails, Batman!" "Larry, how's it coming in there?" "What do you think?" "Think it makes me look fat?" "You're under arrest." "You is under arrest for violations of Code 9." "Freeze, Mucelli!" "No, you're right." "I don't like it." "Micelli, a vision of loveliness." ""Here's to you, Mrs. Robinson."" "Gotta tell you, I'd eat Big Shug's underwear if he dipped it in batter and dropped it in some grease." "I don't know, Schmoolie." "I don't think they're gonna buy into this ridiculous outfit, either." "Hey." "Folks, you have to wonder, how does Micelli stay so poised, and where did Shug find that much lime-green fabric?" "Be that as it may, Round 1 has come to an end." "The crowd is on the edge of their seats, ripe with anticipation." "Five, four, three, two, one." "What's the over-under on that?" "Okay, I'll take two dimes on Houston." "Okay!" "Golly gee, that's pretty high." "Folks, you can cut the tension with a knife." "Judges, have you reached a decision?" "The Beave appears to be phoning this one in." "Yes, we have." "We award the starter round to Big Shug's Tasty Chicken and Waffles." "Down goes Micelli." "Big Shug delivers a big upset, and the crowd loves it." "Look at them." "They can't get enough of this guy." "Oh, that is a..." "That is quite a surprise." "Do you mind if we get a picture together?" "There you have it, folks." "Big Shug, clearly the underdog, comes out swinging." "That's fantastic." "That's just fantastic." "You looking at my breasteses?" "Let's have a big hand for Big Shug, clearly the dark horse of this event so far!" "Clearly the underdog, the winner!" "Let's go on to the next round..." "If we don't win the next round, you're all going to be getting phone calls from the INS tomorrow." " I was born here." " That's what you think." "Oh, God, I hate the chicken man." "The chicken man, the chicken man." "He can't win because he's a joke." "He's here because he's a joke." "That's why he's winning." "Because you got lazy." "You got complacent." "Oh, shut up, uni-brow!" "Now, look, I've gotten rid of the rest of the competition here." "I can certainly get rid of Chicken Not-so-little." "No, no, no." "Look, we know that whatever they give him to cook, he's gonna deep-fry." "So what we'll do is we'll just drop a little emetic in his grease, right?" "And it's game over." "Larry." "Oh, damn." "Larry?" "This is hard to swallow." "Good catchphrase." "No?" "Freeze!" "Health Department." "Freeze!" "Health Department." " You're going down, you piece of crap." " Not me, I'm a floater!" "Say so long to the toilet." "Do you know what this is?" "80 cc's of ipecac in a Bolton-Serta model 25A" " plastic disposable syringe?" " No." "It's the same poison I used to ruin the reputation of every four-star restaurant in this town." "And now it's gonna go straight up your ass." "Eat it!" "Eat it!" "It's okay, it's okay." "I got you." "It's okay, it's okay." "I got you." "Okay, all right, happy thoughts." "Happy thoughts." "Do you like that, huh?" "Take that." "Take that one, too!" "Don't mess with Hasidic Larry." "Oh, I think I hurt my nuts." "Anything you wanna say to me, boss?" " Or should I say confess?" " Confess?" "Are you out of your..." "You was in on this thing all from the beginning." "When I showed up there at Micelli's, you had her give me the squirts." "That ain't very Christian, especially on a night when I was fixing to get some." "On a first date?" "I don't think so." "Yeah, but you never heard me do my song." "Yeah, but you never heard me do my song." "Turns out me and Jane was the only ones that got sick up there." "And it turns out they's only one person, uno persono, that told Jack Dabbs to send me down there to Micelli's, and that was you." "That's right." "That was you." "Hello?" "Hello?" "Larry." "Larry!" "Get..." "No, get down." "Larry!" "Larry!" "It was Jack!" "Jack!" "He's right there." "Oh, my God." "Oh, God." "It's a miracle!" "Praise the Lord!" "Larry, he was never really handicapped." "Butlin, why do you gotta be such a dadgum atheist?" "I mean, here you have a feller that rosed up out of a wheelchair." "You bring shame on all of us!" "Hey, stop that wannabe cripple!" "Just try it, you non-crippled prick." "I'm okay." "I'm okay." "Dickweed." "Oh, crap." "Attaboy, Donnie!" "Dickweed!" "Well, Butlin, we knowed Lily had an ugly sister, but who'd have thunk she had an un-crippled nephew, Jack Dabbs." "The Adam's apple?" " You hit me in the Adam's apple?" " It hurt, don't it?" "My granddaddy taught me that." "You caused this department a lot of embarrassment, Larry." "But you saved it some, too." "Well, I guess that makes us about even right there." "Now we're even." "Does that mean..." "Does that mean that I get my job back?" "Well, look, I..." "We'll act like the past few weeks never happened." "One more thing, though." "A promotion." "Don't push your luck, pal." "Not for me, for the..." "For the girl." "Hey, man, you told me she was a he." "Listen, I'm not asking for a raise or a bigger office or nothing." "All's I want's a little respect every now and then." "And when I say, "every now and then," I mean now." "You did a good job today." "Thank you." "Don't you have a gay parade to get to?" "I'm just kidding." "I know you ain't a flipper." " So what happens next?" " Well," "I figured on Monday we'd head down there to Sakamoto's joint and give him a hard time." "He loves that." "Then let's go to the Greek restaurant, check for eyebrow hair in the..." " You're back." "...gyros." "Oh, hey." "I don't hug dudes." " See you on Monday, partner." " See you Monday, partner." "So what was it that you said about a song?" "Oh." "Yeah, a song." "If we get into it, there ain't no..." "You know, this'll be it." "I'm gonna sing it, and you'll be putty in my hands." "Okay." "Come on." "Oh, man." "All right, that's what you wanna do, is singing songs, I guess we'll do it." "I'm gonna sing it now." "The song that we've been waiting for." "I'm gonna..." "Hello?" "No." "I'm gonna be down there." "Don't touch nothing." "Bye." "Trouble at the Golden Goose." "Oh, but, Larry, we were having such a good time." "I know, Jane, and I wanna stay." "But let me explain something to you." "This world is full of molds and creepy-crawlies and mildews." "And damn it, Jane, I'm the health inspector." "Okay." "But when you come back..." "Oh, damn." "Now, that sounded dirty." "Git-R-Done!" " Who are you talking to?" " All the people out there." "Hi, people." "Say, "Git-R-Done!"" " I don't see any people." " Just say it, right there." "Git-R-Done!" "Oh, that turns me on." "Git-R-Done!" "Probably because they were afraid that the sun on these rides would be too strong, and without the proper protection" "I sometimes get these, like, second-degree burns." "But you're here, and you're here to protect me." "Oh, you know what?" "Let's go do the other ride." "With the animals and the balloons, where you pop the balloons, and then you get a stuffed animal of some sort." "And you can choose, actually, what animal you want." "You can choose the animal you want." "I don't have to choose it." "I might wanna choose it, because there's a tiger." "I've always wanted a tiger in my house." " Who are your girlfriends?" " Lizzie and Tina." " Larry, can I have one of them?" " Sure." "Come on in, Donnie." " Can I have both of them?" " No." "You're retarded." "Dude, you messing with my woman?" "What's up with that?" "That Jane, that's my woman." " I didn't know that." " Damn right." " It's ridiculous." " Why you didn't tell me?" "You ever kiss a white boy?" "Come on, kiss me." "Please don't worry." "It was definitely not your fault." "I mean, I was bound to get fired from that job." "I'm not..." " Larry, where have you been?" " Not really cut out for..." "I've been looking all over for you." "What the hell?" "Well, douche me with dishwater." "Ain't this a turd in the punch bowl?" "He said today that he wrote someone up for a Richard Gere Offense because his back door wasn't rodent-proofed." "I do not recall a Richard Gere Ordinance, and I was first in my class." "Check the archives." "Git-R-Done, Git-R-Done, Git-R-Done, done, done." "Say the line, mother..." "Say the line!" "George, your mom got big boobs?" "She sure does!" "Get her done." "I love it when a girl says, "Git-R-Done."" "The movie's over." "Y'all go and get some Milk Duds."