"(BEEPING)" "# I can see clearly now the rain has gone" "JAMIE:" "See that?" "That's the end of life as we know it." "# I can see all obstacles..." "Yeah." "It's the end of the world." "The actual apocalypse." "# Gone are the dark clouds..." "And where am I?" "I'm deep under the suburbs of suburbia." "Watching it on telly." "NEWSREADER:" "One minute, now." "One minute." "These pictures coming live to us from Hubble." "We've got life feeds..." "JAMIE:" "A few minutes ago, I was a dead man." "Now..." "Now I don't know what I am." "It's time to brace ourselves." "To say goodbye." "Yeah, it's been quite a morning so far." "(GUNFIRE)" " Faster!" "Put your foot down!" " It is down!" "Quit telling me how to drive!" "God, Scotty, I'm so sorry." "Just hold on." "Everything's gonna be OK." " (TIRES SCREECH)" " OK, we lost them." "Go left." "I said go left!" "Go left?" "There ain't no left." "It's a fence!" "Are you blind?" "Go left!" "That's an order!" "Don't you be taking that tone of voice with me." "Please go left, ma'am, so I can save the life of everyone in this vehicle." "Oh well, gee, since you asked so nice!" "(TIRES SCREECH)" "Thank you so much." "LEANNE:" "Stop it." "OK, that's us." "Where the hell are we going?" " England." " England?" "Why England?" "There's a bunker." "Mom's." "Mom's?" "I don't understand." "Mom's dead." "We'd almost given up on you." "Oh crap, is he going to make it?" "Yeah, now let's get going." "GAINES:" "I got you, buddy." "You're cutting it bloody fine." "It's a seven-and-a-half-hour flight." "Well, fly us then!" "Mom!" "Oh my God." "Oh my God, am I dreaming?" "Oh, my boys!" "Oh, I don't know why this is happening but I'm so glad that it is!" "OK, guys, buckle up!" "I always promised to take you to Europe one day." "Well, ta-da!" "Oh, yeah, you're such a romantic!" "Guess what?" "We're staying in a hole in the ground." "There's no natural light and your mother's going to be there." "Yeah..." "Yeah, my mother." "The one who killed my father and then died in a plane crash." "That won't be weird at all." "You know what?" "I don't care." "I'm just so happy to see you both." "So the final day dawns over Britain." "The sun will rise..." "In ancient Egypt, when a pharaoh died, they buried his servants with him." "So they could serve him in the afterlife." "(BEEP)" "Your uh..." "Your pressure is through the roof." "You need to relax." "They will get here." "Relax?" "How can I relax?" "If they don't get here in time, this will be my mausoleum." "How long?" "How long will I last without new blood?" "(MUFFLED VOICE) Help!" "Where am I?" "The sedative must have worn off." "(BANGING)" "GHOSTLY VOICE:" "Frankie, wake up." " Go and find your grandmother." " OK." "She's at the church." " Why?" " You'll need her help." "(WOMAN TALKS ON TV)" "The failed Saviour blast created a huge amount of debris so the final hour will see a meteor shower on an unprecedented scale." " (CHURCH BELLS RING)" " Where's Jamie?" "He said he'd be here." "I'm sure he's on his way." "At least she turned up." "Oh, bloody hell!" "You're a bit happy." "Yes." "OK, this is going to sound crazy." "But last night I was very drunk in the toilet of the pub and I had the most incredible experience." " With..." " God!" "God came to me." "She was wonderful." "There is nothing to be scared of." "We will all go to heaven and I'm going to see Jude again." "Oh, I'm so happy!" "Bit bonkers and emotionally vulnerable." "My perfect woman." "What?" "Oh, can you hang on a bit?" "I'm just waiting for my son." "Sorry, now or never." "(YELLS)" "Blah-de-blah-de-blah, I now pronounce you husband and wife." "You may now kiss the bride." " Quickly!" " FRANKIE:" "Stop!" "There's no time for kissing." "We have to go to the bank." "What are you on about?" "The voice said I have to get you to go to Daddy's bank." "I don't know why." "Whoa, whoa!" "So, we're seriously doing everything this voice is telling us?" "What if it's Jamie?" "What if something's happened to him?" "We can't just steal a car!" "Whoa, have I become the voice of reason now?" "Marriage has changed me." "Get in the car, David." "Yes, dear." "JAMIE:" "You're just a jumped-up bit of tree, aren't you?" "I've spent my whole working life looking after you." "And when push comes to shove... what use are you?" "(SIGHS)" "(WHIRRING SOUND)" "Is somebody there?" "Hello!" "Yes!" "Yes!" "Yes!" "(LAUGHS)" "Go... to..." "Go to the computer." "Yes." "The spreadsheet is called vault codes." "Yeah, bank vault codes." "On it." "And the password is..." " Dave..." " Dave?" " Has a..." " has a... tiny... (SIGHS) tiny... winkie." "Dave has a tiny winkie!" "Could just leave him in there." "(DOOR OPENS)" " Mum!" "Dave!" " Jamie!" "Oh God, I'm so pleased to see you!" "I thought I was gonna die in here!" "And I thought I was gonna lose my baby!" "What happened?" "My brother, he's pretending to be me." "He's got Layla and Frankie." " No, Frankie's with us." " Oh, thank God!" "We still need to get Layla though." "See, there's this bunker." "We can all survive if we..." "Why are you dressed like that?" "We told you last ni..." "Hold on." "Was that your brother?" "Wow." "I mean, he was good." "Very, very convincing." "Thanks, Mum, that's really helpful!" "Seriously, why..." "Well, we've got some news." "Son." "Why aren't you scared?" "There is nothing to be scared of." "It's going to be wonderful." "We will all wake up in heaven and I'm going to be with Jude again." "Jude doesn't want to see you." "Why do you say that?" "It's true." "He says he wants you to live." "He wants you to look after the baby in your tummy." "Why don't you believe me?" "Because it's impossible." "I can't be pregnant!" "Why not?" "Because the doctor said I can't have children." "My tummy doesn't work well." "I cannot make any eggs." "Oh, we had a chicken like you once." "So Mum cut its head off and we ate it." " What's that?" " Um..." "It's a baby stick." " I have to pee-pee on it." " Ew!" "That's disgusting." "Frankie?" "Frankie!" "Frankie!" "Frankie!" "Great news!" "We were worried sick." "Listen, just keep her there." "And we're coming straight away." "My grandma found Frankie." "Oh God, really?" " How?" " I don't know." "Apparently she just ran into the bunker a few minutes ago." "The point is, she's safe." "OK?" "I..." "I don't understand." "Frankie doesn't know where the bunker is." "Uh..." "Maybe the voice in her head told her where it was." " Right." " What does it matter?" "Let's just get in the car and go and be a family." " I love you." " Oh, I love you!" "PAULA:" "Cheer up." "We'll all go and find Layla and then we can all live happily ever after." " Yeah, with him as my step-dad." " Yeah, love you too, Junior." "So, this is us." "From now on, we drive in style." "Where are they?" "You said they were waiting in the car." "(RUMBLING)" "Oh, for God's sake!" "LEANNE: 30 minutes till we land, folks." "Hey, um..." "I wanted to say..." "Thank you." "I appreciate you getting me out back there." "I'm sorry your friend got hurt." "Now let's get one thing straight." "I didn't get you out, Rhonda did." "I'd have left you to rot." "Cos I've spent my life fighting everything that symbol stands for." "You know what you are?" "A dinosaur." "You know what happened to dinosaurs last time?" "They got wiped out by an asteroid." "Stay away from me." "Somebody's having her time of the month." " RHONDA:" "Don't ever say that." " RAJESH:" "I'm serious." "If I'm slowing you down, leave me." "Save yourself." "I'm dying anyway." " You have a one in five chance." " Had." "I had a one in five chance but that was with treatment." "Well, there's a doctor in the bunker." "That lady told you." " Rhonda, please be reasonable." " Fuck reasonable!" "You think reasonable is why we're all together now?" "You think Leanne's reasonable?" "Or my mum, whatever the hell her story is?" "You think it's reasonable?" "They're survivors." "We should be more like them." "Frankie?" "Frankie!" "It's OK." "Stay calm." "This is what you wanted." "You can just not look." "Then you will never know." "(GASPS)" "Help me!" "Celine!" "Frankie!" " We're running out of time." " Maybe we should split up." " Cover more ground." " No!" "It's splitting up that caused the problem in the first place!" "Frankie!" "Daddy!" "Oh, thank God!" "You're safe!" "You had me so scared." "You mustn't run off like that." "Where's Celine?" "She's in there." "(EXPLOSION)" "I don't mean to seem heartless but we haven't got time." " (EXPLOSION)" " Either we rescue Celine or..." " (EXPLOSION)" " Or we go and find Layla but we can't do both." "Listen, we don't even know if she's still alive." "CELINE:" "I beg you, help!" "Help me!" "Please help me!" "I'm pregnant!" "I want to live." "Celine, it's Jamie!" "We're coming." "CELINE:" "Jamie, is that you?" "Oh, it's a miracle." "You're my angel, Jamie." "Dad, after this we're going to get Mum, aren't we?" "Everything's going to be fine, I promise." "I ain't no expert but this don't look too good." "This don't look too good, folks." "Arnie, our promise..." "It still stands, right?" "I don't wanna go in that bunker." "Me neither." "But you said you'd be with me at the end." "Right?" "Now, we promised your sister that we'd take her to that bunker and I keep my promises." " You've gotta hang on..." " (EXPLOSION)" "(BEEPING)" "(EXPLOSION)" " LEANNE:" "We're going down!" " Everybody strap yourselves in!" "Now!" "We tried, didn't we?" "Yeah, we tried." "LEANNE:" "I ain't a coward." "I'll meet my maker with my head held high." "(GROANS)" "Please!" "Help us!" "Help us." "God!" "(GROANS)" "Scotty, can you hear me?" "Scotty, I think this is it." "But whatever happens, I'll be by your side." "And I'm happy about that." " I'm happy we're going to be together." " (EXTINGUISHER HISSES)" "Can a dinosaur do that?" "I'm changing." "So you can suck it." "Well, what are you waiting for?" "Let's get your wife out." "So, this is England?" "It's pretty." "You know, aside from the rocks falling out of the sky." "(SHEEP BAA)" " Mom?" " Spike, are you OK?" "(SCREAMS)" "Dad, if Dave's married to Grandma, does that mean he's my grandpa?" " No." " DAVE:" "Yeah." "(MOUTHS WORD)" "Hang on, I thought the bunker was back there." "Jamie, no." "No, we are not going to Windsor." "Just a few minutes." "OK?" "I at least have to try to find her." "LARSSON:" "We have to run right now." "The bunker is still two miles away." "Honey, she's right." "Anyone who can't run gets left behind." "I'm not gonna make it." "Go, please." "No, I said I won't let you go." "Ever." "And if you're not willing to fight, then I guess I'll just have to surrender." "Is that what you want?" "Huh?" " What you doing?" " I don't have time for this." "Rhonda, I don't give a monkey about the others." "But you and Spike are coming to the bunker now." "Now move!" "(YELLS)" "Oh, not so fast, Munchkinland." "You know what?" "I've got a question for you because something seems real funky to me." "I'd like to know why you're so hot and bothered to get Rhonda and her son into that bunker." "Hmm?" "OK." "Give me one good reason why I shouldn't kill you." "Because I'm the only one who knows where the bunker is, you moron." "You know, that's a real good reason." "(VEHICLE APPROACHES)" "Mom?" "(TIRES SCREECH)" "MAN:" "Get out of the way!" "Sir, do you have any possible means of survival?" "Course not." "Out the way!" "OK, then I need this truck more than you do." "So get out of the car and give me the keys." "Piss off!" "I'm very sorry." "But I do need this truck and I did ask nicely." "Now get out and give me the keys." "I said get out." "Or what?" " (REVS ENGINE)" " Sir, I don't have time for this!" "I am not joking!" "Get out of the truck!" "Give me the truck!" "(GUNSHOT)" "He was gonna die anyway." "Right?" "RHONDA:" "In a few minutes." "Come on, let's go." "LAYLA:" "Where the hell are we?" "ARIEL:" "This brings us back out by the bridge." "Can we um..." "Can we talk about last night?" "About me... not..." "Oh, Jamie, we've got bigger things to worry about right now than your erections." "It's really not a problem, sweetheart." "Worked perfectly well every other night, didn't it?" "Right, yeah, course it did." "Just..." "Last night it didn't." "I just wouldn't want you thinking less of me, babe." "(LAUGHS)" "It'll be fine once we're in the bunker." "I'll be like a completely new man, I promise." "Jamie..." "Did you just call me babe?" "You hate the word babe." "How did you get a call from your gran?" "The network's down." "Ariel used to call me babe." "Everything I've done, I've done because I love you and I want to save you." "The bunker's real and it's your only hope." "I know where it is." "You don't." "And Frankie?" "We can make another Frankie." "Our daughter, not his." "I..." "love you." "And I know we can make this work." "Ariel..." "I'd rather die." " No!" " (BOTH YELL)" "(WINDSCREEN WIPERS SQUEAK)" "(LAYLAWHIMPERS)" "Come on, Layla, please, please, please." "Jamie, love." "We need to go back." "It's over." "You've got to think about Frankie." "It's time to let Layla go." "Dad, why aren't we moving?" "JAMIE:" "We're going to the bunker." "Dad, I don't understand." "What are you doing?" "She's there!" "(TIRES SCREECH)" "Mummy, run!" "Jamie!" "(SOBS)" "(TIRES SCREECH)" "Rajesh, honey, please look at me." "(ALL GASP)" "He was gonna die anyway, right?" "I thought it was kind of bad ass!" "Don't say that!" "(ALL GROAN)" "He didn't mean that." "LEANNE AND GAINES:" "If you hadn't have done it, I would have." "Well, General, looks like you and me have a few similarities." "LEANNE:" "Whoa!" "Yes, we made it!" "Up yours, universe!" "We are going to survive!" "(BRAKES SCREECH)" "No." "No!" " Is there another bridge?" " Not for miles." "We wouldn't get there in time." "Is anyone good at swimming?" "Not even doggy paddle." "I can swim with armbands." "But I forgot my armbands." "Well, that's that, then." "At least we're all together, eh?" "Sorry." "No, this is not happening." "I'm not dying here within sight of where I need to be!" "It's there!" "Right there!" "You..." "Thames..." "Get out of my way." "Get out of my fucking way!" "I... command you!" "I command you!" "I command you!" "I command you!" "Please!" "Please get out of my way." "Just..." "Don't be there any more." "Please, just get out of the way!" "(JAMIE SOBS)" "Jamie..." "Jamie." "Sorry." "That wasn't very dignified, was it?" "Where's that stiff upper lip when you need it?" "There." "What?" "Come on, let's go!" "Let's go!" "Wait, Rhonda!" "Rhonda!" "Good luck in there." " What?" "You're not coming in?" " No." "Are you insane?" "You came all this way just to give up?" "We're not following you inside, right?" "Actually, no." "I agree with your sister." "Rhonda, give me a hand!" "What?" "!" "No, Arnie, you promised!" "Scotty, you married a fighter." "Did you think I'm gonna let you die?" " No, no!" " Come on!" "RHONDA:" "Shut up, Scotty!" "SCOTTY:" "We killed people!" "(GROANS)" "(SCREECHES)" "Please tell me that ain't staying." "(SCREECHES)" "Let's go." "(GROANS)" "OK, we're gonna get you down here, you're gonna be fine." "Then you can rest up." "Come on." "Let's go." "Here, get down here." "Hey, hey." "I'm doing this because I love you." "Maybe one day you'll forgive me." "SUTTON:" "Rhonda..." "Is that really you?" "All grown up!" "I'm so happy you're here." "Give your mom a hug." "A hug?" "You want a hug?" "Suddenly you're the touchy-feely type?" "You abandoned us." "You killed Dad." "You died in a plane crash." "Me and Scotty, we were five." "We had nothing." "Eight foster homes in 13 years." "Why?" "Because we were penniless fucking orphans, that's why." "Oh, but apparently we weren't." "Apparently, you were alive the whole time and really rich." "Rich enough to have servants and whatever the hell this place is." "You don't get a hug." "No, we're not at hugs yet." "We're still at explaining and shouting!" "(EXPLOSION)" "A rock's hit the entrance." "We've got a problem." "We need some help up here." "This isn't right." "This shouldn't be happening." "I'm sure there's a perfectly rational, weather-based explanation." "Weird winds or something." "Weird winds?" "!" "It's a miracle, Jamie!" "A Charlton bloody Heston-type miracle!" "PAULA:" "You really are the son of God!" "JAMIE:" "Mum, can we not do this now?" "My little Scotty teddy bear." "My God, all that blood." "What happened?" "I understand you're suspicious of me." "But there's always two sides to every story." "Yeah, OK." "But um..." "I'm really a very caring person." "Yeah, the thing is, your monkey's kind of sticking its finger in my wound." "Malcolm, don't do that." "Bad boy!" "Shall Mama give you some num-nums?" "Hmm?" "Shall she?" "Come along, then, follow me, little man." "(MUFFLED VOICE) Psst!" "Hey!" "Don't trust the monkey." "The monkey's pure evil." "Please, listen to me!" "(GROANS)" "No!" "It's not shutting." "What?" "What's wrong?" "It's jammed." "It ain't budging." "(EXPLOSION)" "Somebody drives that truck into it, that might do it." "ALL:" "Yeah!" "But how does the driver get back inside?" "They don't, hun." "They'd be sacrificing themselves." "I'm gonna do it." "I wanna do it!" "No, I'm dying." "I'll do it." "No!" "Not you!" "And not you!" " You!" " Hey, come on!" "I'm sorry but you're not a member of this family." "You're an outsider, you're gonna stay outside." "Rhonda." "Rhonda, please." "Stop." "I'm not letting you go." " Why won't you fight for me?" " I am." "I am saving the woman I love." "Don't be Leanne, don't be your mum, be you." "I can't." "Not without you." "Honey, you don't know the pain I'm in." "It's only gonna get worse." "If you love me, let me go." "Please." "(SOBS)" "Spike, get in here." "You have to get in now." "Go on." " Mom..." "Mom!" " It's time to go in." " No, no." " Come on." "There's no time, we have to go." "We have to." "No!" "No!" "No, no." "(RHONDA SCREAMS)" "(ENGINE REVS)" "(ENGINE REVS)" "No, this can't be happening!" "RAJESH:" "Come on!" "Yes!" "Up yours, apocalypse!" "Help!" "I need you to help me." "Jamie, come on!" "Get in!" "They're gonna die unless you help me." "The door doesn't lock." "If you want them to live, you have to help me." "Go in." "I'm right behind you, I promise." "I need to drive this into the door to lock it" " but the truck won't move." "See?" " (REVS ENGINE)" "I can see it!" "There's something wedged underneath." "Come on, move!" "(GROANS)" "SUTTON:" "You must be with Jamie." " Where is he?" " Shutting the door." "Oh, and you must be my great-granddaughter." "Aren't you a peach?" "You're weird." " It's clear." "That should do it." " OK, go on." "Get in there." " What about you?" " Just go." "Go!" "(ENGINE REVS / TIRES SCREECH)" "(THUD)" "(BEEPING)" "LAYLA:" "Baby, thank God!" "Perfect." "They're all here." "Yeah but now we have too many." "We don't have enough food and water." "Give it time." "Then we can dump the peripherals." "Are you OK?" "We made it!" "Ariel!" "GAINES:" "Hey, hey!" "You son of a bitch, you left me to die!" "Oi, oi, oi!" "Back off, face ache." "He's not Ariel, he's the son of God." "Um..." "I think maybe we're all getting off on the wrong foot here." " Oh, you think?" " Ariel's my twin." "But he's dead." "Gone." "I'm Jamie." "Lovely to meet you." "Well, I'm going to shoot you, Jamie, how does that sound?" "I'd rather you didn't." "And I'm sure we're all gonna get to know each other really well." "(DOOR SLAMS)" "Given how, you know, we're stuck together." "NEWSREADER:" "One minute, now." "One minute." "It's time." "(# HAPPY TOGETHER BY THE TURTLES)" "JAMIE:" "Yeah, it's Judgment Day." "The actual apocalypse." "And where am I?" "These pictures coming live to us from Hubble..." "Round my nan's, watching it on telly." "# So happy together" "I know what you're thinking. "Cheer up, you're one of the lucky ones."" "My question is, am I?" "WOMAN:" "Please!" "Please!" "Help me out of here!" "I mean, have you seen the freaks I'm stuck with?" "TV:" "We've got live feeds here from Times Square, from Beijing, and Jerusalem there." "# I can't see me loving nobody but you..." "A few minutes ago, I was a dead man." "Now suddenly I've got a future." "# Baby, the skies'll be blue" "# For all my life..." "NEWSREADER:" "It's time to brace ourselves." "To say goodbye." "Thank you all for watching." "I hope we'll meet again." "# The only one for me is you" "# And you for me, so happy together... (EXPLOSION)" " # I can't see me lovin' nobody but you - (SCREECHES)" "# For all my life" "# When you're with me, baby, the skies'll be blue" "# For all my life" " # Me and you..." " Mom, don't watch." " No matter how we toss the dice" " Please, look at me, Mom." " # It had to be" " Mom, keep looking at me." "# The only one for me is you" "# And you for me, so happy together... (RUMBLING)" "# Ba baa..." "Open the door, please!" "It's me!" "I was helping you!" "He hit me, took my clothes." "Open the door!" "It's too late." "It's over." "But I'm Jamie!" "I'm the real Jamie!" "He's not me!" " # Ba ba ba baa - # Together" "# Ba ba ba baa" " # So happy together - # Ba ba ba baa" " # So happy together - # Ba ba ba baa" "# So happy together..." "(BEEPING)" "# I can see clearly now the rain has gone..." "JAMIE:" "See that?" "That's what's gonna kill everyone." "Any second now." "Yeah." "It's Judgment Day." "The actual apocalypse." "And where am I?" "In Slough." "Or, rather, under Slough, watching it on telly." "One minute now." "These pictures coming live to us from Hubble." "JAMIE:" "I know what you're thinking." ""Cheer up." "Stop looking so miserable."" "But if these were your new housemates, you'd be feeling exactly the same way." "It's time to brace ourselves." "To say goodbye." "(SCREECHES)" "DR SAMUEL:" "Everything is in hand and I mean everything." "Water, medicine, food." "Your favorite, tuna chunks." "Welcome to your new home." "Let's hope you never need it." "This is wonderful." "Above and beyond the call of duty, Dr Samuel." "Well, it is my job to keep you alive, right?" "Now, would you like to see your room?" "Our room!" "You wouldn't want me getting lonely, would you?" "(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) Right." "Yes..." "Except for the blood, everything is in hand." " Special delivery from Ameri..." " MOLBY:" "Fuck me." "Sorry, are we interrupting?" "No!" "Show me." "(ECHOING) Funny-Iooking thing, isn't he?" "Still, it's what's on the inside that counts, I suppose." "Let's check his blood." "What do we do if he's not clean?" "SUTTON:" "What do you think?" "Oh, yes!" "Welcome to Slough!" "Home shit home!" "Good to be back, right?" "I'll take that as a maybe." "(TOILET FLUSHES)" "PAULA:" "Jamie?" "Jamie, is that you?" "Oh!" "Oh, it is you!" "(LAUGHS)" "Oh, I have missed you so much!" "Come here!" "Oh..." " I missed you too, Mum." " Ah." "What are you doing here?" "Ah." "Well." "Um..." "It turns out that that wall I knocked down was structural." "You don't mind me staying here, do you?" "Jamie?" "What is it, love?" " Um..." " What's happened with Layla?" " It seems she..." " Hey!" "Alright, Paula?" "I've returned to resume our "will-they-won't-they?" romantic tango." "What's she doing here?" " Did you not write?" " I was just getting to that." "Jamie's very upset." "He needs his mother." "Which one's mine?" "(POLICE SIRENS APPROACH)" "So... why aren't you looking for my mom?" "If it was vice versa, she'd be busting a gut for you." " What do you want me to do?" "I mean..." " Try?" "Oh, but that'd take guts, I guess." "You were too chicken shit to even come out." "We're just very private people." "We don't all need to wave a flag." "She's your twin!" " How do you even sleep at night?" " Son of a..." "OK." "Are you gonna go look for her?" "(SNIFFS) You know, he's right." "How do I sleep?" "I..." "I don't..." "I haven't even um..." "God, I feel like my head is gonna explode." "(CRIES)" "I mean, look at us." "Our own home and this is the only place where we can get any kind of privacy." " I need you to calm down." " How?" "Two days ago, I nearly killed a guy." " We don't even know where he is." " OK, I'm on that." " (CRIES) Who is this?" "Who am I?" " Hey..." " (BANGING ON DOOR)" " SPIKE:" "Are you guys doing it?" " (DOOR HANDLE RATTLES)" " I need to drop a deuce." "Can you hurry up?" "Please." "Do you remember that chat we had about starting a family?" "I'm so glad you won that." " (BANGING ON DOOR)" " Come on!" "Hurry up!" "NEWSREADER:" "I'm joined now by Professor Lot, who's running the controversial drug trials." "Professor Lot, what's the purpose, then, of this drug?" "Nocturnapram works on our body's Vitamin D receptors." "It'll enable us to live without sunlight for up to two years, which, assuming we can survive the initial impact, will help sustain human life during the dust cloud." "NEWSREADER:" "But come on, human guinea pigs?" "Look, the only way we can get Nocturnapram to market in time is to go straight to human trial." "NEWSREADER:" "This is Russian roulette, isn't it?" " People have died in your tests." " DAVE:" "OK, thank you." "We simply don't have..." "As if we weren't depressed enough already." "What sort of muppet signs up for a drug trial?" "There won't be enough to go round when it's finished." "If you volunteer, your family goes to the front of the queue." "Some people like the idea of doing things for others, Paula." "Said the woman who left her son in a cardboard box." "JAMIE:" "Mum, stop." " Well, I'm sorry, love..." " PAULA:" "Oi!" "He said "Mum."" " It's me he's telling off, not you." " OK." "I'm late." "It says "Collect four tokens and get a free skipping rope."" "Either of you... skip?" "Do you want to come inside?" "It's warmer." "Husband's missing... since the comet." "I can't pay my mortgage this month." "And I've been coming every day but you've been shut." "Let's have a look." "(COMPUTER BEEPS)" "It's all fine." "It's been paid." "But um..." "It's been paid." "One less thing to worry about, eh?" "Thank you." "Thank you so much." "You don't know what that means." "He helps the poor and needy, for he is the resurrection and he is the light." "Everyone should kneel down and beg for his infinite grace." "Hello." "I um..." "I brought you some sandwiches." "That's really kind of you." "Mary..." "I need you to not do the whole son of God thing here." "What if we do it outside?" "Yeah." "That could work." "I'll go and spread the word." " Want a cup of tea?" " Yeah, lovely." "Ah, there you are." "I made you some peanut butter sandwich..." "I see someone else got in before me." "JAMIE:" "Mum, it's not a competition." "For the record, you make better sandwiches." "Don't you forget it." "MARY:" "The son of God walks amongst..." "Jamie, why are you bothering?" "Cos I'm a bank manager." "I mean, what else of me is left?" "At least here I know where I am." "Look... don't take this the wrong way but maybe this Layla thing..." "Maybe it's for the best." "I mean, at least now you can move on." "Well, let's hope you're right." "Cos at the moment, it's like I'm cursed or something." "Jamie." "Don't be ridiculous." "Mary?" "Mary!" "(PEOPLE SHOUTING)" "Mary?" "Can you hear me?" "Jamie is the son of God." "He will lead his people to the land of freedom!" "(CRASH)" "Oh!" "Oh-ho!" " Oh!" " Jamie, he is the son of God." " He will lead his people to the land..." " OK, let's do this thing." "(VOICES ON COMPUTER)" "MARY:" "Jamie, he is the son of God." " He will lead his people..." " CELINE:" "Jude, come on, we are late." "We need to get to the airport." "I think we're gonna have to take a later flight." "Jamie, he is the son of God." "He will lead his people to the land of freedom." "It was bad luck." "Could have been me, it could have been anybody." "If I'd just left her where she was..." "No, no, no, no." "You did the right thing." "That hospital was a disgrace." "They're laughing at her dying like it's a cartoon." "Yeah, but, you know, don't take it so personally." "Now everyone's dying, I think it's OK to laugh at death." " Yeah." " It's like, "Up yours, Grim Reaper!"" ""You big dick."" "At least she gets a fuss made of her." "I mean, the rest of us won't." "Yeah, we really pulled out all the stops, didn't we?" "Oi, oi." "Who ordered the strippers?" "(# PEACHES BY THE STRANGLERS)" "Well, hello, my future husband!" "Excuse me." "Is this the funeral for Mary Conroy?" "JAMIE:" "What passed for it, yeah." "You must be her son?" "I'm sorry for your loss." "I saw the clip." "OK, if this is about that Second Coming crap, you picked a bad time." "I hate to disappoint you but I'm not the son of God." "JUDE:" "I know." "You see, the thing is, I think..." "you're my son." "Jamie, I'm Father Jude." "Your father, Jude." "(PHONE RINGS)" "ANSWERPHONE:" "You've reached Rhonda, Rajesh and Spike." " Leave us a message." " (PHONE BEEPS)" "MAN:" "Do you wanna make a difference?" "Help save lives?" "Maybe even change the course of history?" "At Knott Counterplan, we're working around the clock to craft solutions for a post-apocalyptic world." "So volunteer for the trials for this amazing new drug." "(DISTORTED SPEECH)" "(GASPS)" "(GROANS)" "Where am I?" "Who are you?" "You ever think about dying, Ariel?" "I think about it all the time." "Scares the crap outta me." "I hate being old." " Where are we?" " In a bunker underneath my estate." "If the comet hits, we could live down here for years so long as we've got what we need." "And what I need is... this stuff!" " You want my blood?" " Let's not get ahead of ourselves." "I need to find out if you're clean first." "What if I'm not clean?" "Ah, he's awake." "Everything OK?" " Let's get some food in him." " Actually, I'm not very hungry." "Look at him!" "He's like a stick!" "Get the kitchen to make him a steak, will you?" "Get some iron in him." "Good for the old blood!" "You should have one, too, Doctor." "Need to keep your strength up!" " Don't we?" "(CACKLES)" " Yes!" "That boy's in way out of his depth." "(WHISPERS) I like that, Ariel." "They're sexy when they're a little scared." "Is that what you're doing with me?" "Is this a sex thing?" "For heaven's sake, don't be disgusting!" "I'm your grandmother!" "Pardon?" "(DOOR OPENS)" "KERRY:" "Someone's smashed the back door in." "EDDIE:" "You think we should call the cops?" " Kerry?" "Eddie?" " (EDDIE GASPS)" " It's OK, it's me!" " Stay there, Rhonda!" "Don't come any closer!" "Kerry, call 911." "Oh, no, no, no, you don't have to do that!" "It's me!" "Stay the hell away from us." "You don't belong here any more." "This is my home." "Hello?" "Police department." "Go after her, Eddie!" "KERRY:" "Hello?" "Police department." "Yes, yes, we're on 452 Willow Drive." "I've just seen Rhonda McNeil." "Can't let this Johnson run the meeting and we can't, we can't let him turn Mount Genesis into his own personal harem, OK?" "Stick together, present a united front." " (PHONE RINGS)" " Scotty, I mean it." "I need your head in the game." "I can't do this alone." "I know." "I know." "Just give me a second, OK?" " Spike, not now!" " My mom's in DC." " What?" " Hey!" "Scotty!" "She went home, the neighbors called 911." "They said she ran off north but I think she's gone to the school." "She always heads north then turns right at the woods." " Spike, I can't help." " Scotty, you have to." " She needs us." " No, no, listen." "I can't get involved!" "Oh my God!" "You piece of..." "My apologies, sir." "I thought it better to meet here." "No official record." "Unlike the Oval." "I read your dossier." "Just checking." "None of them know, right?" " I mean, this is still containable." " Absolutely." " We met the women..." " (PHONE PINGS) ...under the pretence of a Nasa recruitment drive." "We told them that Operation Saviour had reignited interest in the space program." "This then allowed us to perform thorough medical tests without arousing suspicion." " Including their fertility?" " That was more problematic." "We ended up spiking their drinks one night." "Don't tell me, I don't want to know." "(PHONE PINGS)" "Still, needs must, hmm?" "Now..." "I was wondering whether we shouldn't venture..." "Bring her in instead." "Oh, sir, this is our embryologist." "We need her, right, Scotty?" " Hmm?" " PRESIDENT:" "General Gaines." "This isn't a request." "This is weird for you." " Yeah." " Well, we have one thing in common." "So I think that maybe I should just start at the beginning." "I was 18." "Living over here." "I had just been kicked out of school." "I was... really going off the rails." "And that's when I met Mary." "We'd only been together a month and she got pregnant." "And I panicked." "I mean, the thought of starting a family." "I was..." "I was 18." "I barely knew her." "So I asked her to... terminate the pregnancy." "She said no." "And so I left." "And I never even said goodbye." "PAULA:" "Ah, here we go!" "(LAUGHS)" "Aw, this is nice, isn't it?" "Everyone getting to know each other." "And we've got biscuits." "Go on, Father." "Have a finger." "DAVE:" "Oh!" "(LAUGHS) Sorry." "I've given you my cup by mistake." "That's embarrassing." "Sorry, did we interrupt?" "You carry on." "I told you I don't come out of this well." "But..." "I was such a mess then." "You were better off without me." "Oh, so walking out was really an act of kindness?" "No, it was cowardice." "I was just saying that maybe there was an upside for you." "So why are you here now?" "I wanted to pay our respects to Mary, but mostly I wanted to meet you." "And ask for your forgiveness." "Was she mad when you knew her?" "Was she hearing voices?" " No." " Cos by the time she gave birth," "God was chatting away to her." "Told her to dump me in a car park, so she did, just like you abandoned her." "Maybe because you abandoned her." " Jamie, I am so sorry." "I had no idea." " There's your little legacy." "Thanks, Dad." "And now you want forgiveness to make yourself feel better?" "Well, I'm sorry, no." "You ruined her life and you are not forgiven!" "(DOOR SLAMS)" "(DOOR CREAKS)" "(DOOR CREAKS)" "(GASPS)" "(MAN GROANS)" "SPIKE:" "I love you too, Mom!" "What?" "Oh my God." "Is that... (GASPS)" "Oh!" "Oh, your nose!" "Your nose." "Oh, baby!" " Oh, baby!" " Mom, Mom, Mom." "You smell really bad." " (BOTH LAUGH)" " I know, I know." "But you're just gonna have to deal with it because I'm not letting you go." "Aw." "That's him dressed as a Mutant Turtle." "He was obsessed with them." "Oh, and that was just after he wet himself at Thorpe Park." "(DAVE LAUGHS)" " This is when we all went..." " Paula, thank you." "This has been so lovely but I think we should probably be going." "Oh, no, don't go!" "He'll be back in a bit." "He doesn't want me here." "And having walked out on him once before," "I don't have much right to walk back in uninvited." "I would have been a terrible father." "And when I look at those photos, I see how happy he was." "That's cos of you, Paula." "You were able to give him a life I never could have." "I don't know the first thing about what a happy family is." "Mine was all yelling and whiskey glasses flying..." "Jude, shut up." "What is this?" "PAULA:" "That's Jamie's." "He threw it away." "It's uh..." "It's complicated." " It's her, from Poland." " Is he..." "Is he married to this woman?" "The little girl, she told me her father worked in a bank." " Holy shit." " What are you two on about?" "Paula, I think Jamie has a daughter." "Shitting hell." "(FAINT ECHOING VOICES)" "(PHONE RINGS)" "It's his bloody voicemail again!" "Jamie, call me, yeah?" "It's urgent." "Are you absolutely sure about this?" "Cos he's been through a lot lately." "The dates work." "And the girl said her father works in a bank." "Right." "We'll check the bank and the bowling alley." "You do the pubs." "Father, you come with me." "M'lady, your carriage awaits." "Oh." " Where have you been living?" " With Uncle Scotty." "And his boyfriend." "How long has Scotty had a boyfriend?" " Four years." " Four years?" "How come he never told us?" "Is he happy?" "Who cares?" "You get he doesn't give a shit about you, right?" "Hey." "Yes, he does." "Don't say that." "He totally abandoned you." "Why do you stick up for him?" "Because growing up he was all I had." "We've always looked after each other." "Well, he's not doing that anymore." " (CAR TIRES SCREECH)" " Oh, no." "Run!" "OK, I want every exit sealed but check the library first." "You ever meet your father?" "You don't look like him." "He's a beautiful man." "Thank you for your kind words." "Shame he didn't have more kids before he retired from all that." "Instead all I get is you." "What?" "Nothing." "Just, you know, if you need your family's blood, you could ask." "My kids wouldn't help." "They hate me." "I don't blame them." "I was a lousy mother." "That whole maternal instinct thing isn't very me." "Gerbils eat their babies." "I can empathize." "Plus it's complicated, what with me being dead and everything." "I had a few legal issues back in the '80s." "I was innocent, of course." " Of course." " Of course." "But I had to disappear." "The point is, I can't risk being found now." "Can't risk my kids snitching on me." "Don't think I'd exactly thrive in a correctional institution." "But if Saviour fails, then it all changes." "They'll need my bunker." "OK, that's it." "He's done." "Grandma, I know what it's like to disappear." "I spent years making myself invisible." "I don't understand how you found me." "SUTTON:" "We didn't find you." "You found us." "We were following your Uncle Scotty." "Hang on." "You mean Scotty McNeil's my uncle?" " Anything?" " MAN:" "Library's clear." "TESS:" "Can't win here, Rhonda." "(DOOR BANGS)" "(PHONE RINGS)" "What?" "Whereabouts?" "And this is genuine?" "911 just got a call." "McNeil carjacked someone at a drive-through three miles from here." "We're all moving out." "Let's go." "Let's go!" "We're good." " What the hell just happened?" " No idea." "Let's make the most of it." "MAN:" "Psst!" " What was that?" " I don't know." "(MAN WHISPERS) I'm in 403." " (SPIKE LAUGHS)" " Scotty?" " What the hell?" " Did they buy it?" " That call was you?" " How the hell did you get in there?" "I spent pretty much all of sixth to tenth grade stuffed in lockers." "Turns out it's kind of like riding a bike." "Also turns out I'm a bit fatter than I was." "Can I get a little help?" "Yep." "OK." "Alright." "So I guess this is when you tell me I'm a terrible brother?" "Well, you're here now." "Come here." "I love you." " Big loser!" " I love you..." "Oh, wow." "Wow, you smell like a skunk whose wife just left it." "Oh, yeah, OK, don't push your luck, alright?" "There are smaller lockers over there." "Come on." " Why are you volunteering, Jamie?" " Um..." "It's complicated." "I'd like to think I could still make a difference, I guess." "I don't really feel like I've achieved much." "I've wasted years waiting for my wife." "And then it turned out she was married to my brother." "And what else?" "My mum lied to me for 30 years." "My other mum thought I was the son of God, and in return God dumped a ton of bricks on her." "I dug her grave this morning." "And then my dad showed up for the first time in my life, and I was just so angry with him." "But... really, I'm angry with myself." "Because I've wasted my life." "Yeah, that just about covers it." "OK, I'm just going to check the "wants to help others" box." "And I see you've nominated your mum and your friend Dave to receive Nocturnapram in the event that the comet hits." " Yeah." " Good." "They'll be notified immediately." "Now, I'm legally obliged to inform you that there are risks associated with what you're about to do." "Side effects can include vomiting, internal bleeding, paralysis of the thumbs, depression, breathing difficulties, hair loss, heart palpitations, death, and in some cases, erectile dysfunction." " You sure you want to do this, Jamie?" " Yes." "Absolutely." "(HORN BEEPS)" "Get out of the way, you stupid prat!" "Maybe a few deep breaths would be good." "It's not like Jamie." "He wouldn't just disappear..." " (PHONE PINGS)" " Oh!" "Check that for me, will you, Father?" "Just in case it's him." ""Congratulations, you've been nominated to receive a course in Nocturnapram."" "(TIRES SCREECH)" "Shit!" " (HORN BEEPS)" " Twice!" "Unbelievable!" " Get out of the way, you prat!" " WOMAN:" "You trying to fucking kill me?" "Four years." "Four years you guys have been together and you never introduced me." " You're ashamed of me, is that it?" " No, no, we're just..." "We're just private people." "Well, when did that happen?" "When did we stop telling each other stuff?" "You're my only family, Scotty, and if..." "When all this calms down, I want you to introduce me to him, and I want to tell him embarrassing stories about you, because that's what family does." "OK?" " Car." " What?" "I thought you said no one ever comes here!" "They don't, that's why we bought the place." "No, it's OK." "It's OK." "It's OK." "Um..." "I'll handle it." "(DOOR OPENS)" "You must be Rhonda." "You must be Arnold." "Scotty, a word." "Excuse us." " It's nice to finally meet you." " Likewise." "ARNOLD:" "I've been out there, fighting for our plan." "Trying to stop the whole thing from turning to shit." "And where were you?" " I was helping my sister." " Yeah." "OK, yeah, and you know what?" "It felt great." "For the first time in a long time," "I did something that actually made me feel OK about myself." "She has always had my back, and I am disgusted with myself that I abandoned her." "So how'd you get her out?" "Faked a 911." "Please tell me you didn't use your own phone." "(SIGHS) Scotty." "Now all they gotta do is trace the call." "Yeah." "OK, um..." "I'll do my best to protect you but we can't afford to both be sucked into this." "Wait, you..." "One of us has got to be there to see the bunker through." " What are you saying?" " I need plausible deniability." "I'll be under suspicion if they know I'm with you." " So I'll move my stuff into a hotel." " Arnie, Arnie, this is ridiculous." "Is it?" "I don't think you've left us with any other option." "They think she's a terrorist." "We can't both be accessories." "One of us has to keep his security clearances." "You've made your choice." "I love you." "And I love you, too." "But right now, who cares?" "This is bigger than us." "ARIEL:" "So you had me spring my own aunt from jail without even realizing." "Very funny, God." "Very funny." "I haven't worked it out yet but you're up to something, aren't you?" "Playing a game." "Giving me a taste of my own medicine." "That dream I had about freeing Rhonda, didn't understand it, did I?" "Thought it was about the NSA but did you have other plans?" "(VOICE ECHOES) Maybe Max was right." "Have you chosen me, God?" "Am I your vessel?" "Is it even God I'm speaking to or the other guy?" "Well, whatever." "Get me out of this, I'm all yours." "You want me to go Old Testament, I'll go Old Testament." "Excuse me!" "My boy is in there, and I'm getting him." "Not without an appointment, love." "Sorry." "Oh, I see." "You want a tumble, do you?" "Is that what you're after?" "Come on, then!" "(SHOUTING)" "PAULA:" "Get off!" "PAULA:" "Get off!" " JUDE:" "Jamie!" "Wait!" " NURSE:" "Jamie." " Don't go in there." " Jamie, please." "We're very busy." "Jamie, you have a daughter." " What the fuck are you talking about?" " We met Layla a few days ago." "And I know that it's complicated between you." "Yeah, just a bit." "I wonder who the father is." "Thanks for depressing me even more." "The little girl, she drew this." "She said this is her father, that he works in a bank." "She drew you." "And look, she wrote where she lives." "You can find her." " I can't handle this right now." " Jamie, I understand." "You hate me because I ran away." "How is going in that room any different?" "Is that what you want?" "To be like me?" "Jamie!" "Jamie!" "Jamie, get down here right now." "I said right now, young man." "Right, I'll count to three." "One, two..." "Mum, I'm 30 years old." "I'm doing the talking now, sunshine." "What the hell do you think you're doing?" "Do you think I want some drug to survive?" "Do you think I even want to survive without you?" "You're loved, Jamie." "I want you to feel how I feel." "If there's a chance that this girl is yours, then you go and find her." "You put all this Layla crap behind you and you jump in with both feet." "And you pour every part of you into being her dad." "Your time, your energy, your love." "You pour it all in until you don't even know where you end and she begins." "And you hope that'll be enough." "That they'll be happy." "And that you never, ever have to see your daughter in a place like this." "Now..." "I've got fish fingers for tea." "Are you coming or what?" " Back to the Vatican, then?" " Yeah." "Dave said he'd give us a ride to the airport." "Um..." "And I was thinking after the comet..." "If there is an after, I could..." "I haven't seen Rome." "You should come." "It's..." "It's very beautiful and full of history and..." "I'd love to show you around." "And vice versa, obviously, if you want to come back to Slough, cos you've barely scratched the surface here so..." "Jamie." "What are you gonna do?" "I think I'm gonna find my daughter." "See what this whole dad thing is about." " I'm guessing my results came back." " Hepatitis, I'm afraid." "You've come to kill me, haven't you?" "I think that'd be a mistake." "Well, of course you do." "But then again, you are a little biased, aren't you?" "Go on." "ARIEL:" "I'm just like you, Grandma." "We could do great things together." "Plus, if you kill me, you'll never know what I know." "Our family is bigger than you think." "SUTTON:" "Explain." " Maybe Jude has another child." " Bullshit." " I'd know." " Not if they were abandoned as a baby." "And what if he or she has a child?" "Your great-granddaughter." "Six years old." "Imagine how clean that blood is." "What's her name and where is she?" "Why would I tell you that without something in return?" "We both want to survive so let's make a deal." "You let me go, save me a place in here, and I'll get the girl." "A living, breathing blood bank." " Deal?" " Deal!" "(BEEPING)" "# I can see clearly now the rain has gone" "JAMIE:" "See that?" "That's what's gonna kill everyone." "Any second now." "Yeah." "It's Judgment Day." "The actual apocalypse." "And where am I?" "In Slough." "Or, rather, under Slough." "NEWSREADER:" "One minute, now." "One minute." "These pictures coming live to us from Hubble." "I mean, what the hell are we all gonna do down here?" "No internet." "No radio." "God, I hope there's Boggle." "It's time to brace ourselves." "To say goodbye." "MAN:" "Operation Savior launches in just a few short hours." "Mankind's only hope." "A single rocket hastily assembled by a multinational team of scientists." "There's no backup plan." "If today's launch fails, all hope is gone." "(NOISY CROWD)" "Oh, excuse me." "You don't recognize this woman?" "Hey, do you recognize this woman?" "She's got a little girl, about six?" "Excuse me..." "Hey!" "Jamie!" "Get her a monster truck!" "Girls love monster trucks, right?" "Yeah." "I'm actually quite keen on making a good first impression on my daughter so probably not." "Oh!" "I'll get her a giraffe." "Jude said she likes giraffes." "In fact, it's the only thing he told me about her." "I don't know her name but I know where she stands giraffe-wise." "Something for Layla, perhaps?" "OK, so this is exactly what I was talking about." "This is gonna be hard enough as it is without you being a dick to Layla." "What possible justification could I have for that?" "Oh, yeah, she's slightly married to your brother." "I just want to meet my daughter and find out the truth in the most painless way possible, OK?" " Do me a favor and haggle for that?" " (GIRAFFE SQUEAKS)" "Congratulations." "You have completed your fast-track Level Six." "You have transcended the dimension of self and are finally ready to open yourself to the love of others." "Now do we get to meet the Messiah?" "No, to meet Ruthless you must all travel to Paradise Island." "Great, so where do I get a ticket?" "It's not that simple." "First, you must choose a partner..." " Got one." "Got one right here." " And then you must get married." "Ruthless teaches us that you cannot reach paradise alone, so I suggest you choose wisely." "(LAUGHS) Thank you." "There's got to be another way." "Believe me, marriage is the only path to happiness and salvation." "We are out of here." "Real religions do not have levels." " Investigation over." " Hindus have levels." "OK, but they don't hand out badges." "Jude, not one person who's gone to this island has returned." "We must find those people." "We have to give their families answers." "Come on." "Let's get hitched." "OK." "(NOISY CROWD)" "Alright, mate?" "Hey, hey, are you interested in seeds, yeah?" "I've got carrot, tomato, beetroot." "Premium gear." "Actually, I'm looking for a woman?" "That's not really my scene, mate." "I can do you water filters, fertilizers." "Trust me." "Survive this, you're gonna need to grow your own." "Don't get me wrong." "I hope Saviour works but it pays to prep, right?" " Yeah, this is her." " Oh yeah, that's Sophie." " Sophie?" " Yeah." "She did my last MOT." " She's a great mechanic." " OK." "And where is Sophie?" "What's it worth?" "No, I don't want your money." "I want your tins." "Alright." " Sweet corn." " Yeah." " OK." "Kidney beans." " Yeah." "Cream of mushroom soup." "And whatever the hell that is." "She's at the courthouse." "She was arrested this morning." "Come on." "ARIEL:" "Got ya!" "She's been arrested in Suffolk." "Right." "Let's go." "You drive." "I'm perfectly capable of snatching the kid by myself." "Yeah." "Grandma doesn't want you going out on your own." " Oh." "That's very sweet of her." " Mm." "Isn't it?" "You know how she worries about you." "This is insane!" "Rhonda." "Please." "Look, you are on the run." "You cannot go to the hospital." "I didn't come all this way to just sit a few miles from my husband." " I got to at least try." " Are you serious?" "This could be the last time we're together ever!" "Think about it." "Everyone's gonna be watching your rocket launch." "This could be my best chance, my only chance." "So unless you've got some better ideas..." "Please, please take care of yourself." "OK?" "Cos with Arnie gone, you're literally all I've got." "(PHONE PINGS)" "OK, I've gotta go." " Where have you been?" " I know." "I'm sorry." "I had to..." " Arnie, we have to talk." " Not here!" "Please, just listen to me, please." "I love you." "I love you and I miss you." "And I can't function without you and I..." "Look, I think it's stupid that we should throw away something as good as us just because..." "Scotty?" "Scotty, please." "Now is not the time." "You need to pull yourself together." "Now come on." "(CHATTER)" "That's alright." "That's alright." "Uh..." "Morning, everybody." "Uh..." "I apologize for the delay but as you can imagine we've been somewhat busy today." "Scotty McNeil, Senior Adviser, Special Situations Group, will run briefly through our timetable and then we'll take any questions." "Scotty." "Um..." "Um... (MONOTONE) The Operation Saviour launch will take place today at 1700 hours." "Assuming the launch succeeds, it will take seven days for the craft to reach the comet." "We're not trying to destroy the comet." "It's too big." "We just want to deflect it enough so that it safely misses Earth." " Um..." " Yeah." "Think of it like a game of pool." "The Earth is the cue." "Uh..." "Well, the... the craft is the cue ball and the comet is the eight ball." "Right." "Saviour contains a nuclear warhead which we plan to detonate on the comet's surface." "In order to do this, the comet will split into t... (PEOPLE MUTTER QUIETLY)" "SCOTTY:" "I'm sorry, the craft will split." "Excuse me." " I can't do this." " (PEOPLE MUTTER)" "Uh..." "Ladies and gentlemen, once again, my apologies." "(VOICE MUFFLED IN BACKGROUND)" "Scotty McNeil." "I have a warrant for your arrest." "Right, so what exactly is the plan?" "Because just walking up to random six-year-olds and offering them cuddly toys is how you end up in a place like this." "It's a bit..." "Dave, look." " Do you think..." " DAVE:" "I don't know, man." "No offense but she's kind of normal looking." "Oh, God." "Oh, wow." "I actually feel a bit sick." "Maybe it's not her." "Daddy!" "That's my daddy!" "Oh, wow." "This is a very happy moment for me." "It's so great to meet you." " I'm your dad!" " I know." "And that's Dave." "Mum told me all about you." " I don't actually know your name." " It's Frankie." " Pleased to meet you, Frankie." " What's that?" " It's for you." " (GIRAFFE SQUEAKS)" "I heard you like giraffes and stuff so..." " Do you like it?" " I'd have preferred a monster truck." "(COUGHS) Told you." "It's all going to be alright, isn't it, Dad?" "Cos you're gonna help Mum and they'll let her go and we can all go home and live together." "Listen..." "Daddy, you did come to help Mum, right?" "Cos that's what good dads do." "Yeah." "Right." "That's what good dads do." "FRANKIE:" "Come on, Dave." " (GIRAFFE SQUEAKS)" " Ow!" "Come on." "Hm." "Yeah." "No." "Maybe lose the wig." " Really?" " Yeah." "Hmm." " OK." " Put the black ones in again." "But..." "Honey, it's gonna be fine." "Really." "I learned a lot on the run." "Most people don't really notice stuff." "Besides, I've got you." "You're gonna knock out the surveillance cameras." " Right." " Yeah." "And I just..." "I don't know, Mom." "It's gonna be OK." "I believe in you." "I don't like being made a fool of, Scotty." "It sticks in my craw." "Your phone records show the 911 came from you." "That is aiding and abetting a wanted terrorist." "Tell us where to find her." "Are you insane?" "Do you know what I do for a living?" "Saviour launches in a couple of hours." "You literally could not have picked a worse day." "On the contrary." "You see, you need to get out of here and you can if you give me your sister." "It's called leverage, Scotty." "(SLURPS)" "Well, you ain't gonna break me." " (DOOR SLAMS)" " TV:" "It must be absolutely exhausting." "So these pictures are coming live now from Operation Saviour." " This is life sentence for me." " Well, I'm looking at two to five." "I know I'll probably never work in DC again but, hey, at least I can always say I helped save the world." "Blame Russian president for predicament of me." "69 ruble to dollar." "If not for him, I wouldn't come here." " (BANGS DOOR)" " I wouldn't be criminal." "In my country, we have joke now." "Ladies and gentlemen, you will soon be land in Moscow." "You do not adjust your watches for daylight saving." "Just wind them back to 1989. (LAUGHS)" " It's funny, no?" " What did you say?" "It's much funnier in mother tongue." "No, no, no, the other bit, the bit about daylight savings." " Yes, it's finished." " Oh, my God." "President get rid of." "TV:" "The stakes literally could not be higher..." "Guard!" "Guard!" "(PEOPLE SHOUT)" "MAN:" "Did you or didn't you steal the inhaler?" "LAYLA:" "Your Honor, my daughter is six and she has asthma." "Now by law her inhaler should be free but instead the chemist wanted 80 quid for it." " (GASPS FROM GALLERY) - 80 quid!" "Now that's the real crime here." "(CHEERING)" " (JUDGE BANGS GAVEL)" " Order!" "Order!" "LAYLA:" "People shouldn't be making a quick buck out of the end of the world." "We should be helping each other." "I don't have L80, Your Honor, so, yes, I took the inhaler." "Why aren't you charging the wankers at the chemist's?" " (CHEERING)" " JUDGE:" "Order!" "Order!" "I would remind you this is a court of law and would you please not say that word?" "I'm sorry, what word, Your Honor?" "Chemist?" "(LAUGHTER)" "Oh!" "Oh, sorry, wankers?" "You don't want me to say wankers?" "Sorry." "Let the record reflect my deep regret at my repeated use of the word (SHOUTS) wankers!" "(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)" "JUDGE:" "Very amusing, Miss Carlton." "(JUDGE'S VOICE FADES)" "I fine you L400." "I said your fine is L400 to be paid immediately." "If I had L400, I would have just bought the inhaler, Your Honor." "You leave me no choice." "One week in prison." " (SHOUTING)" " That's ridiculous!" "What about my daughter?" " I'll pay." " (SILENCE)" "(CHEERING)" "Who's this?" "My husband, Your Honor." "She's six years old." "She's gonna scream." "No." "A bit of chloroform and a hankie over the nose, she won't make a sound." " Trust me, I know what I'm doing." " Looks like it." "I'm guessing you're single, right?" "Most people have a picnic blanket, maybe a Frisbee." "I'm not most people." "Put it down." "I wasn't born yesterday." "You're not getting rid of me." "Your gran doesn't trust you and neither do I. That's why I'm here." "I'll do the chloroform." "You do the gaffer tape." "Fine." "Suit yourself." "So where's the gaffer tape?" "We need to get our story straight." "You are Federico." "Terrible with names." "Hope I remember it." " The neurosurgeon." " Well, thanks for picking that!" "With my vast knowledge in the field, I'm sure I won't be tripped up." " Who are you?" " I am Luisa." "I live in the hills above Verona where I run the home of orphanage and donkeys." " (YAWNS)" " You don't like donkeys?" "They're boring." "And the kid thing freaks me out." " And I play the guitar." " So basically I'm marrying a nun." "Hi!" "Logistical question." "When does the last ferry leave?" "9pm." "But don't worry." "You won't need a boat back." "No one leaves paradise." "I'll take your word for it." " Thank you." " (PEOPLE SHOUT IN QUEUE)" " I appreciate it." " Pleasure." " So you're alive then?" " (LAUGHS) Obviously." "(SQUEAKING)" "OK." "Stop!" "JAMIE:" "I'm loving the news I'm a dad." "Information that would have been nice to have had before now." "Hi, I'm here to pay the fine for..." "What are you calling yourself these days?" "Sophie Carlton." "Thanks." "I'm sorry, OK?" "But everything I did I promise I did for a good reason." "Oh, OK." "I'll just take your word for that, then, shall I?" "After all, I've no reason to believe you'd ever lie to me!" "Just to be clear, I'm not here for you." "All I want is to know my daughter and maybe find out the truth." "Excuse me." "This card's been declined." "Um..." "That's all I've got." "I..." "Got a car?" " I've got a minibus." " That'll do." "I owe you one." "One." "WOMAN:" "You may kiss the bride." "I forgot about the kiss." "We'll just do it very professionally and close our eyes." "(# BRIDAL MARCH)" "Ah, so that's where the new messiah must be hanging out." "You need to look convincing." "You are in love with me, right?" "Why wouldn't I be?" "(MUSIC STOPS SUDDENLY)" "Are there any reasons why you should not be lawfully married?" " Absolutely none." " Then place your hand upon the Bible." "Federico..." "Federico." "Oh, yes." "Will you take Luisa to be your wife?" "Will you love her, honor her, comfort and protect her, and forsaking all others be faithful to her as long as you both shall live?" "I will." "Luisa, will you take Federico to be your husband?" "Yes, I will." "Then place the ring upon her finger." "I now declare you man and wife." "You may kiss the bride." "(APPLAUSE)" "(CLEARS THROAT)" "I have to get a message to General Gaines or we're all screwed." "Don't tell me." "Only you can save mankind?" "SCOTTY:" "This isn't a joke, OK?" "I think there might be a slight flaw in a piece of code that the Russians wrote and I don't know if anyone has noticed it yet." "You want out, give me your sister." "No, that..." "That..." "That is not fair!" "TESS:" "OK." "Your choice." "Just please can you get General Gaines on the phone or anyone else from Mission Control?" "What don't you understand?" "If Saviour fails we're dead!" "We're all dead!" "Including your sister so if you love her, if you wanna save her life, tell me where she is." "We're talking about the entire human race here." " Are you out of your fucking mind?" " No, and neither are you." "And you're a good man and you're not going to risk the entire world for your sister." "So where is she?" "Where is she, Scotty?" "You need to tell her." "I need to save my mamushka." " (SOBS)" " Come on." "Come on, just tell me." "Keep walking." "It's the next room on the left." "There are no guards on the door." "I'm gonna shut off their surveillance now, Mom." "Good luck." " SPIKE:" "It's done." " OK." "I'm going in." "Rajesh?" "(SIGHS)" "(SCREAMS)" "Please!" "Please!" "No, you don't understand!" "I'm sorry!" "I love you!" "I'm sorry!" "I'm sorry!" "(SIGHS)" "Well, I think that we fooled them." "Absolutely." "You were very convincing." "Thank you." "Well, Freddie is a very passionate man." "There you are!" "Oh, look at you two!" " Congratulations." " Thank you." "Such a lovely couple." "Come, sit, sit." "I'm Arless and this is my wife Ruth." "They call us Ruthless." "You know, like Brangelina?" "Let's have a drink, celebrate." "So, they say you have been appointed by God." "That must be... nice." "Sure is." "He spoke to me." "He told me to recreate the Garden of Eden." "You win 300 million on the lottery, I mean, you know God's trying to tell you something, right?" "Listen, can people leave here?" "(BOTH LAUGH)" "Why would you want to leave paradise?" "We teach love here." "Love without guilt." "None of that BS churches teach." "Real love." "Look at these two." "Such a beautiful couple." "Well, this is it." "We've been living the dream." "I'm going to show Dad my bedroom and my sunflowers and my castle." "Wow!" "You built all of this yourself?" "Seriously?" "I've been holding him together for the last seven years." "It's not been easy." "Honestly, you have no idea how much you hurt him." "So if there's a shred of decency in you, don't fuck him around again, OK?" "Frankie?" "Frankie?" "Me and Daddy need to talk." "Why don't you show Uncle Dave where we pump the poo out?" "Yay, poo pump!" "She's great." "I just..." "I shouldn't be meeting her at Lego." "I missed out on rattles and potties, Hungry Caterpillars." "Look, before we do this, I have to know how you found us." "It's really important, for Frankie's sake." "A nun and a priest helped you in Poland." "Frankie gave them this." " She wrote your town on it." " But how did you get it?" "Funny story." "It turns out the priest is my dad." "See, here's what confuses me." "Our wedding." "It's you and me." "And then there's this." "And this is you... with him." "Oh God, you know about Ariel?" "OK, um..." "I know this looks bad but..." "Actually, there is no but." "It's just bad." "Can we not do this here?" "It's just you get a bit shouty and high pitched when you're upset and I don't want Frankie to hear." " Please." " I..." " Ow!" " LAYLA:" "Frankie." "Me and Daddy are just going for a little walk, OK?" " Uncle Dave will look after you." " How long are you gonna be?" "It's just that when she hits me with the giraffe, it really hurts." "Yeah, let's play giraffe slaps!" " (GIRAFFE SQUEAKS)" " We could..." "How far are we going?" "How shouty am I gonna get?" "Um..." "Let's just go another couple of miles, shall we?" "In the interest of full disclosure, I think I should tell you that we are from the Vatican." " I'm a priest." "And Celine is a nun." " (RUTH LAUGHS)" "Right!" "Got fed up with celibacy, did you?" "Can't blame you." "Very unhealthy." "No, no, we actually came to investigate you." "(BOTH LAUGH)" " Of course you did, dear!" " No." "Absolutely that's why we're here." "Oh, come on." "Be honest with yourselves." "The way you two look at each other?" "Hoo-hoo-hoo!" "I can see it." "The levels have opened you up." "You're ready for love, honey." "Now I expect you two want to start with each other but don't be shy now." "It's more of a buffet than a set menu." "(# THE HUNTER BY SLAVES)" "# The people are freezing and the water is warm" "# And the ice caps are melting" "# What will happen when they're gone?" "# Will the experts look stupid" " # And invert the facts - (MOANING AND GASPING)" "You know how to drive one of these things?" " Ah, not really." " (ENGINE STARTS)" " But..." "I am Italian." " Right." "(LAUGHS)" " JUDE:" "Whoo!" " (CELINE LAUGHS)" "I've been calling!" "Why the hell aren't you answering the phone?" " MAN:" "We're a little busy." " The DST." "We need to check the daylight savings time." " We did, like, 12 times already." " No, no, no." "We have daylight savings time but the Russians..." "The Russians don't." "Guys, guys!" "Your president, he doesn't like the gays and he doesn't like daylight savings." "He got rid of it last year." "Yes?" "Correct?" "Yes?" "Yes!" "Thank you." "Yes." "OK?" "So I'm sure that we've taken it into account but can we please just check it, the way that their code speaks to ours?" "Because otherwise the secondary engine ignition will be about an hour late, or an hour early, whatever the fuck daylight savings time is." " Scotty, where have you been?" " No!" "Not now." "I'm busy." "There, right there!" "Shit, you were right." "OK, people, we need to rewrite this interface now!" "(ALL TALKAT ONCE)" "OK, so the boat is the Earth and I'm that naughty comet, alright?" " Yeah, and I'm Operation Saviour." " Oh, really?" "Well, I bet you can't save the world." "(BLOWS AIR)" "Yes, my real name was Hawkwind." "I grew up on the commune with Ariel." "I hated it so I ran away with him as soon as I could." "And... stupidly married him." "I was only 18." "I thought I was in love but I was young and lonely and I wanted to belong somewhere." " If you're looking for sympathy..." " No, I'm not." "I'm not." "I'm just trying to help you understand how I could have fucked up so spectacularly." "Ariel had a real chip on his shoulder about you cos your mum was always going on about how special you were and it made him feel like shit so..." "So... he invented a computer game... called Doofus." "You were the main character in it." "I don't understand." "He hacked everything without you realizing." "Your whole life, so credit records, emails, he fiddled with everything to mess it up." "Like what?" "Like screwing with your exam results?" "So you could have gone to university." "Those rejection letters were all Ariel." "And you knew?" "I was young and stupid, and I never thought of you as a real person with feelings." "(SNIFFS)" "And then one day, we were talking about how you'd never had a girlfriend." "So you invented one for me?" "Yeah." "Layla." "We set up a meet cute." "I got in the lift with you and Ariel hacked it, made it break down for a few hours." "But when I met you, you were so lovely and the joke wasn't funny anymore because everything about you... was so genuine." "And being Layla felt so much better than being Hawkwind." "So I split up with Ariel and I fooled myself." "I thought Doofus was over and I thought I could just be with you and be happy and just be Layla." "And then?" "And then he showed up on our honeymoon." "Said he'd been biding his time but that sooner or later we'd be punished." "And he was scary." "Like, eyes bulgy, proper psycho." "And to add to everything, I'd just found out I was pregnant." "And I panicked." "I..." "I thought if I just disappeared..." "I could protect the baby from him and protect you." "Everything was a lie." "No." "No, everything started as a lie but we turned into something real." "Cos I did love you, Jamie." "And when we said our wedding vows, I meant every word." "You were the best thing that ever happened to me." "Funny, cos you were the worst." "I want details." "And I don't care if it takes all night, you are gonna tell me everything." "(FRANKIE LAUGHS)" "(FRANKIE LAUGHS)" "MAN:" "T minus one minute." "MAN:" "Fuel." "Umbilical purge to open." "Hey!" "Hey, Scotty, everyone's looking for you." "You were right!" "What you did..." "You gave us a chance, Scotty." "Well, come on!" "It's about to launch and you are the hero of the hours!" "Hey." "What is it?" "I had to sell out my own sister. (CRIES)" "MAN:" "Umbilical release, primed." "Pressure levels OK." "(CRIES)" "MAN:" "T minus ten, nine..." "Six, five, four, three, two, one." "Trajectory is good." "Thrust is good." "Saviour is in the air." "Repeat, Saviour is in the air." "(CELINE LAUGHS)" " Jude, you hold on so tight!" " Because you're a terrible driver!" " (PEOPLE CHEERING)" " It's the Saviour launch." " I forgot all about it." " (CHEERING)" "We missed it." "Looks like we're camping out tonight." "What?" "I know this is going to sound crazy." "Do you remember in Poland, your granddaughter?" "She told me one day I was going to see four horses." "Awhite, a black, a red and a pale." "Look, it's a sign!" "JUDE:" "It is a sign." "It's a billboard." "Celine, do you really think the Lord would be communicating to us using the medium of..." " outside advertising?" " Well, why not?" "What if it is a sign, giving us his blessing?" " For what?" " For the wedding." "That wasn't real." "You kissed me, Jude." "It was not acting." "It wasn't." "Was it?" "I wasn't acting." "I think about you all the time." "But, Celine, I've been a priest for 20 years." "I've never broken my vows." "And I don't think you should either." "What if God wants us to?" "What if that is a sign?" "I'm afraid it's probably wishful thinking." "Why don't you ask him?" "Right now?" "Dear Lord." "Dear Lord, I know you have a lot on your plate right now but if this is what you want, please show me a sign." " (FIREWORKS EXPLODE) - (CHEERING)" "OK, my logical mind says that that probably has something to do with the Saviour launch celebration." "Yes, maybe." "But maybe it's God." "What do you want it to be, Jude?" "(FIREWORKS EXPLODE)" "Told you we'd meet again." "My husband is dying." "Couldn't have given me one minute with him?" "One?" " McNeil, you're coming with us." " What the hell's going on?" "Whoa, what?" "Marine Corps Intelligence." "We have orders to debrief her." "I arrested her." "She is my prisoner!" "She'll be returned to you once the interview is complete." "Hey." "I want you to see this." "I don't care about the launch." "Just trust me, OK?" "This is streaming live." "(DOOR OPENS)" "I couldn't change the outcome but I did make sure they got a chance to say goodbye." "So, what do we do now?" "I don't know." "Try not to argue in front of Frankie, I suppose." "I guess I should demand alternate weekends with her but there's only one more of those before the apocalypse." "Seven years." "All it would have taken was one message, just to put me out of my misery." "No." "No, I told you, I couldn't risk Ariel finding us." "Please, Jamie, we've been up all night." "Let's just get some sleep before we do more, OK?" "Why were you with him in Moscow a few weeks ago?" "I saw there was a reward out on him." "I was sick of never having any money for Frankie so I called the police and they set up a trap for him with me as the bait only it all went to sh... shit!" "Frankie!" "Mate, can you hear me?" "She's gone!" "Frankie's gone!" "Mate..." "No, no, it's OK." "What happened?" "Your brother." "Good news, Grandma." "I've got your little donor." "All five pints of her." "SUTTON:" "Wonderful." "Bring her here." "Yeah, you know what?" "I'm not gonna do that." "I'm keeping her as an insurance policy." "Oh, and by the way, I had to get rid of your little Irish lapdog." " What have you done to her?" " She'll live." "Which is more than I would have, right?" "I don't know what you mean." "Yes, you do, Grandma." "You were going to get rid of me the moment I got you the girl." "Well, sorry to disappoint you but we're doing things my way now." "You don't get the girl until the very last minute when I'm safely inside the bunker." "Am I clear?" "Perfectly." "Good!" "Oh, and one other thing..." "I'm gonna need a plus one in the bunker." "The wife's coming too." "That is how you negotiate." "Pretty impressive, huh?" "Hey, don't look so scared." "I'm just like your dad, only cooler." "Me, you and your mum are gonna be a family." "We're gonna be together for the rest of our lives." "Everything's gonna be fine." "We're gonna be happy... forever." "(BEEPING)" "# I can see clearly now the rain has gone" "JAMIE:" "See that?" "That's what's gonna kill everyone." "Any second now." "Yeah." "It's Judgment Day." "The actual apocalypse." "And where am I?" "In Slough." "Or, rather, under Slough." "NEWSREADER:" "One minute now." "One minute." "These pictures coming live to us from Hubble." "JAMIE:" "We could be trapped here for months." "Years, even." "What do we do when we run out of conversation?" "I'm hopeless at small talk." "It's time to brace ourselves." "To say goodbye." "The world waits with bated breath." "In a few short hours, we'll know whether Operation Saviour has succeeded and whether mankind has a future." "MAN ON TV:" "I'm here outside mission control." "The media aren't allowed in." "But we understand the Saviour team have been working through the night to make sure that everything goes to plan." "The hopes of the entire human race rest on the shoulders of these men and women." "One can only imagine what's going through their minds right now." "These pictures are coming live from the Saviour craft, sir." "Well, not exactly live." "There's a time delay because of the distances involved." "Of course." "Could um..." "Could you explain to me the exact sequence of events?" " Scotty." " Yeah." "Yeah, of course." "Um..." "OK, well, if we use this muffin as the comet." "Right." " And this banana as the craft." " Gotcha." "Now, once our craft is in the comet's orbit... the craft will split in two." "And this bit, the leader, slams into the comet in order to make a crater." "And the follower, which has the nukes in it, hits the crater a few seconds later and then..." " (FOOD SPLATS ON FLOOR)" " Boom!" " It's kinda like a boxing combo, sir." " One-two punch, right?" "We only need to knock the comet off its current course by a couple of degrees for it to miss Earth." "When we first met, you said the chances of this working were one in three." " Yes." " Do you still think that?" "Well, we've done better than I hoped." "And right now I'd say..." "I'd say we're 50-50." " Good work, soldier." " Thank you, Mr President." " (KNOCKING AT DOOR)" " JUDE:" "One moment!" " JUDE:" "Into the closet." " CELINE:" "I don't want to." "JUDE:" "Just stay right here." "Go!" "Yes?" "I thought I heard... voices." "That's often the first sign of madness." "To what do I owe this pleasant visit?" "The cardinals request your presence at an urgent meeting to discuss the implications of Operation Saviour." "They would like a full status report on all your would-be Messiahs." "Alright." "Where were we?" "What?" "I don't want to have to hide in closets." "I know." "We both agreed that our work is too important to walk away from it." "We have to finish what we started." "And how long will that take?" "I wish I knew." "I wish it didn't have to be like this but..." "I had a dream last night." "Me and you in Florence, watching the sunset, holding hands." "It sounds cliché, I know, but it was wonderful." "Just you and me." "A man and a woman being ordinary people." "And then I wake up." "And before I know it, I'm in the closet." "I've never been to Florence." "I wish I could give that to you." "But we have to finish..." "I know." "Every day for a week and you've done nothing!" "So you can get off your arses and find my daughter, you muppet!" "She doesn't mean it, she's just stressed." " Thank you, sir." " Thanks, guys." "See you tomorrow." "How was that helping Frankie?" "We need them on side!" " I'm sorry." "I didn't mean to snap." " No." "No, I like it when you snap." "I like it when you show some oomph." "We need more oomph cos no one else is gonna help us find our daughter, Jamie." " You can forget the police!" " Let's not do anything hasty." "Jamie, we could be dead in a week." "If we're not gonna do hasty things now, then when are we?" "All Frankie's got is us and we're failing her." "Putting up posters and doing Facebook appeals is getting us no closer to finding your brother." "OK." "Well, what else can we do?" "Well... (SIGHS)" "I don't know." "I only ran to keep Frankie safe, to keep her away from Ariel, and it's made no difference, has it?" "He's got her anyway." "I failed." "(METAL CLATTERS)" "(CLATTERING CONTINUES)" " What's that?" "What are you making?" " Eat your peas." "I hate peas." "And I hate you." "Why don't you like my real dad?" "Why do you wear those gloves?" " Why don't you get your hands..." " Oh my God, do you ever shut up?" "(HIGH-PITCHED WHINE)" "What do I have to do to make you stop?" "Sweets." "I'm not giving you sweets." "They're bad for you." "I'll wet myself." "And you'll have to clean it up." "And then I'll wet myself again." "(HIGH-PITCHED WHINE)" "Fine!" "I'll get you sweets!" "(CONTINUES TO WHINE)" "Mum says Dave's feeling a bit better today." "She's just given him a bed bath." "Actually, that's weird." "Why is she texting me that?" "Jamie, look." "Have you seen Seven?" "How's that helping, Jamie?" "How's that a helpful comment?" "No." "I'm sorry." "I..." "I wasn't thinking." "LAYLA:" "That's Ariel's handwriting." "Good grief, there's poetry!" " JAMIE:" "What's he saying?" " It says he's still in love with me." "And if I go back to him, nothing happens to Frankie." "And then it gets a bit porny." "No, make that very porny." "Then it says he's gonna call me later and tell me where to go." "Yes!" "(LAUGHS)" " Why are you smiling?" " Don't you get it?" "We've got something he wants." "Me!" "We've got leverage." "Jamie, how would you feel about taking me hostage?" "Celine?" "What are you doing?" "This is Father Jude's room." "Please tell me you haven't." "Come with me, child." "We must talk." "Do you believe in hell?" " Yes." " Good." "I know it is fashionable to believe it a metaphor but it is not." "It is real." "A place of infinite misery and torment." "The Final Judgment could be just days away, Celine." "You have picked a terrible moment to break your vow of chastity." " Have you been to confession?" " I don't want to repent." "I love him." "How can love be bad?" "It isn't." "But hypocrisy is." "You must make a choice." "God, Jude, the sisterhood." "You can have two but only two." "It is that simple." "If you wish to stay with him, you must leave the order and he must leave the priesthood." "And you can live as man and wife in God's grace." "He says he cannot." "That we must finish what we started." "Then open your eyes, my child." "He does not love you." "How could it be love if he would put your soul in danger?" "You must make your choice today." "I know your heart is good." "But if you die in sin, then you will burn in hell forever." "And so will Jude." "Jude!" "Jude!" " What is it?" " We need to talk." " I..." "I'm late for the cardinals." " Jude, now!" "What's going on?" "Why are you so upset?" "I want you to leave the priesthood today." "OK, what's happening?" "Where's this coming from?" "What we are doing is wrong." "And we both know it." "You say you hate lies and hypocrisy." "We are the biggest liars." "No more hiding in cupboards, in closets." "I want you, Jude." "I want you too but it's not that simple." "It is." "Leave with me today." "Let's live honestly." " I want you more than any of this." " This is bigger than us." "It is." "And I'm not done." "We were done the moment we slept together." "I hear you." "We'll talk later." "(DOOR OPENS)" "Oh, hey!" "How are you?" "Oh!" "Oh, thanks, guys!" "Such sweeties." "Shut up, McNeil, you piece of shit." "(LAUGHS) They crack me up!" "They're doing this whole like Abu Ghraib thing." "It's hilarious." "OK." "Bye!" "We'll talk about all the shoe stuff later." "Are you OK?" "You have to get me out of here." "Why am I even on a military base?" "The president imposed a state of emergency." "The judicial process has been suspended in favor of military tribunals." "Your chances of getting a fair trial are zero." "I have rights!" "No, Rhonda, you don't have any rights whatsoever." "The State will seek the death penalty for you." "And what's more, they'll probably get it." "And?" "And?" "What's our strategy?" "Honestly?" "Prayer." "Get down on your knees and pray." "Pray that Saviour works." "Pray that the rockets hit." "Pray that the comet misses." "Pray that the state of emergency gets lifted and you get a proper trial." "Goodbye, Rhonda." "(DOOR CLOSES)" "JAMIE:" "This is insane!" "It makes no sense whatsoever." "He's never gonna believe that I've snapped and taken you hostage!" "Jamie, I hate to break it to you but you are absolutely 100 percent the type to snap." "Tightly wound, lower-middle management with a disastrous love life." "You've got potential shooting spree written all over you." "You can do this." "Look at me." "Look at me." "You are the sweetest, kindest man I have ever known" " but that is no good to us now." " (PHONE RINGS)" "Please, Jamie, for our daughter." "I need you to be a dick." "You can do it." "Hawkwind?" "No." "Jamie." "You must be my brother." "I don't want to talk to you." "I want to speak to Hawkwind." "Well, I'm getting a little bored of what you want." "Let's talk about what I want." "That's not how this works." "It is now you've taken my daughter hostage." "So I've taken our wife hostage." "You want Hawkwind back?" "Fine." "Let's swap." "No." "Nice try, Jamie, but I don't believe you." "You still love her." "You think so?" "After everything she put me through?" "I know all about that game you played with me." "I know Layla was just a fiction." "And I know I wasted years of my life on a lie." "So, no." "How could I love someone who betrayed me like that?" "Who hurt me more than anyone else, including you?" "Congratulations, Ariel." "You broke me." "So if you think for one second I'm the same Jamie I was, you are sorely mistaken!" "Now we are doing things my way!" "First, I want to know Frankie's OK." "So put her on." "Now." "It's your dad." "Say something." "FRANKIE:" "Hi, Dad!" "Hey, Frankie, are you OK?" "Yeah." "He's given me all the sweets I want." "And I don't have to eat anything else." "There." "Happy?" "You can't just give her sweets, you dick!" "She needs her five a day!" "OK." "My turn." "Put Hawkwind on." "Husband number one wants a word." "Ariel?" "I'm so scared!" "He's cracked!" "You have to get me out of here." "What's he done to you?" "He's got..." "He's got my foot in a... food processor!" "And he's... (MOUTH WORDS)" "Please." "Please, Ariel, help me." "Just do what he says." "You heard her!" "Now do as I say or else!" "Jamie, what the fuck?" "You do not put people's feet in food processors!" "There's a line even in these kind of situations and you've..." "No!" "You don't get to lecture me." "You're not running things." "I am." "And if you want to see her alive, you meet me at five o'clock in the car park Mary left me in." "You bring backup, Layla dies." "You've got three seconds to answer me." "Three..." "Two..." "One." "Yes." "(GASPS)" "LAYLA:" "You did it." "Yeah." "But that was the easy bit." "(TV SILENT)" "MAN:" "Claimant Paul of Swansea?" "No, I told you." "He's just a cheap stage psychic." "Claimant Jane Doe of Warsaw." "JUDE:" "The new Messiah?" "No." "No, absolutely not." "Is that the six-year-old who rose from the dead?" " I thought she sounded promising." " Well, she wasn't." "She's just an ordinary little girl." "We should leave her be." "What is going on here?" "And enough with the stolen glances." " If you two wanna screw, get a room!" " Jude!" "Language!" "What is going on here?" "I've never seen these two before." "And why are we meeting down here?" "Consider this an informal steering committee to discuss the theological implications of the current situation." "We know the candidates are on the whole unsatisfactory." "But with our future dependent on these Messiahs, we must have a contingency." "Yes?" "A contingency?" " T-minus one minute." " MAN:" "Roger." "One minute and counting." "Case status." "Updates, please." " Guidance systems." " MAN:" "Guidance systems, go." " Engineering." " MAN:" "Engineering, go." " Comms." " WOMAN:" "Comms are go." " Pyros." " WOMAN:" "Pyros, go." " Detonators." " MAN:" "Detonators, go." "Thank you." "All systems go." "Good luck, everyone." "If Saviour succeeds, we have no problem." "The world is not ending." "It is not the Final Judgment." "But if Saviour fails, the end really is nigh." "Is it fair to send the faithful to their graves, stripped of all hope?" "This is the dawn of a new American century, General." "I can feel it." "It's about looking the Chinese in the eye and saying," ""We still run this shit!"" "Screw four more years." "If this works, they'll put me on Rushmore." "Do you mind, sir?" "We're trying to work here." "CHRISTOPHE:" "The people need hope." "We promised them a Messiah so we must give them one." "Whether we believe in him or not is inconsequential." "T-minus ten." "Nine." "Eight." "Seven." "Six." "Five." "Four..." "Are you saying what I think you're saying?" "MAN:" "Two." "One." "Fire." "(WILD CHEERING)" "Quiet!" "Everybody, stay focused." "We're not out of the woods yet." "But I mean, we hit it, right?" "I mean..." "It went kaboom." "Yes, sir, it went... kaboom but it'll take us a couple of hours to confirm the result." "What do you put our chances at now, Mr McNeil?" "Well, sir, that was the part I was most worried about." "But I would say..." "I would say 60/40, Mr President." "Alright!" "JUDE:" "You can use all of the flowery language that you want but a false Messiah is a false Messiah." "And if you anoint one, you're the fucking anti-Christ!" "Father Jude, I object to both your choice of language and your insinuation." "Really?" "My choice of language is the problem here?" "I mean, what is going on?" "If the press found out about this..." "What is said between these walls stays between these walls." " Does the Pope know about this?" " Of course not." "So am I really the only one amongst you with the balls to stand up for the truth?" "Why?" "Why on Earth do you own a gun?" "I'm a single mother living on a boat, Jamie." "You get it doesn't actually work, right?" " It doesn't even work?" " It's for show, OK?" "It's a deterrent." "All you've gotta do is wave it around and make him think you're dangerous." "I still think we should call Mum and Dave." "The less moving parts this plan's got, the better." "All we've got to do is swap me for Frankie." "And then when you've got her safe and I'm close enough, that is when I spray him." "That?" "That's what we're pinning our hopes on?" "He's gonna have a gun, Layla!" "No, I'm calling Mum." "(GROANS IN AGONY)" " Why did you do that?" " See?" "You're completely defenseless." "And this is when we'll be kicking him in the balls." "It's very simple." "(JAMIE GROANS)" "Oh!" "Oh, my eyes!" "I can't see!" "This is... genius!" "(LAUGHS)" "This could actually work!" "Yes." "I told you." "See?" "I told you." "Yeah." "Oh!" " (LAYLA LAUGHS)" " JAMIE:" "Oh, it burns!" "MAN ON RADIO:" "Has the blast succeeded in knocking the comet off course?" "The Saviour team are checking and double-checking their calculations before making the announcement." "In the meantime, all we can do is wait." "Wait and pray." "CHRISTOPHE:" "We are all hypocrites, Jude." "At least I have the decency to admit it." "Please be practical." "We need solutions." " Not unbending fundamentalism!" " Fundamental?" "I'm not a fu..." "How did I get on this side of the argument?" "You would have every Catholic die without hope and for what?" "You have made your choice, Sister?" "My vows." "I choose my vows." "CHRISTOPHE:" "It's time to admit our faith has failed." "Christ is not returning." "No." "You've given up on him." "But I have not." "Gentlemen." "I move we put this to a vote." "Who votes to anoint our best current candidate?" "Your Eminence, please." "Do not do this." "I'm sorry, Father." "I believe we have a duty to the faithful." "So..." "Are we done?" "Yes, I'm done." "CHRISTOPHE:" "Father, come on." "Enough of this." " What are you doing?" " You're right." "I'm a liar." "And a hypocrite." "I thought I was doing God's work but..." "He's out there." "He's not in here." "And I was a fool to think that he was." "I want to be a good man." "Father, I must remind you that this conversation is held in the strictest confidence." "Go fuck yourself." "Jamie, whatever happens, promise me you'll get Frankie out of here." "I'm not leaving you with my brother." "Just promise, please." "If anything happens to me..." "Her bedtime's half seven." "She'll tell you that it's eight but it's not." "Except on Saturdays." "And she says she's not afraid of the dark but she is really so... always leave her door a little open and a light on in the hall." " You don't have to do this." " Never give her a packet of sweets because she just scoffs the lot and then pukes!" "What else?" "Oh, the bloody giraffe outfit." "OK." "She won't let you wash it." "But I've secretly got three of them so you have to sneak in when she's asleep and swap in a clean one, otherwise she stinks." "One other thing." "She doesn't have a bedtime story so she can't get to sleep unless you..." "We always watch your videos together." "The ones for me you put on the internet." " You watched them?" " Every night." "And then when she was asleep, I'd watch them again." "Just for me." "(TIRES SCREECH)" "Make out I'm your hostage!" "(TIRES SCREECH)" "Stay there!" "Don't come any closer!" " Where's your gun?" " I haven't got one." "I thought we were just swapping." "I didn't realize the dress code was heavily armed." "I must say I'm disappointed, Jamie." "This is very ungentlemanly behavior." "Yeah." "Well, look what you've reduced me to." "You and your game." "Ah, Doofus." "Years of pleasure that gave me!" "It's funny, I always thought it would end with you hanging yourself or stepping in front of a train." "Never thought you'd go... psycho." "Where's Frankie?" "(WHISPERS) Open your mouth, make any sound, you know what happens, right?" "Click, click." "Out you come, poppet." "Frankie!" "Here she is." "See?" "LAYLA:" "Hello, Frankie!" "OK." "Send her over." "Well, obviously that's not gonna happen, Jamie." "We're gonna send them across at the same time, aren't we?" "On three." "One..." "Two..." "Three." "It's alright." "Everything's alright." "What is that?" "I figured you'd have some half-arsed plan up your sleeve so I thought it only right to go tit-for-tat." "Just keep in mind, whatever it is you're planning, you do not want me to let go of this button." " (BEEPING)" " It's in the giraffe." "ARIEL:" "Uh-oh!" "Looks like you brought a gun to a bomb fight!" "Schoolboy error, Jamie." "Schoolboy error." "Think this through." "You shoot, I let go." "Boom!" "Drop the gun." "That's it." "And whatever else you've got planned, don't even think about it." "OK." "OK." "Just tell me what to do to keep her safe and I'll do it." "Tell me." "Whatever it is, whatever it is, just... just... tell me..." " Put it on." " Ariel, no!" "ARIEL:" "I'm only doing this because I love you." "I just want us to be a normal married couple." "And that means losing the other husband." "I'm not a bad man!" "You just..." "You make me do bad things!" "(LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY)" "You look like such a bell-end!" "Now get on your knees!" "OK, Frankie." "Go to your mum." "Come on, Frankie." "Come on, sweetheart." "It's alright." "Come to me." "Come on." "(BEEPING CONTINUES)" " FRANKIE:" "Uncle Ariel..." " ARIEL:" "I said go to your mum." "I've eaten too many sweets." "Don't you dare!" "(GASPS)" " Jamie!" "Jamie!" " (JAMIE YELLS)" "Run!" "Get Frankie out of here!" "What the hell are you doing?" "Just having a cuddle with my long-Iost brother!" "I know we've had our differences but I'm sure we can iron them out!" "Go on!" "Let go of the button!" "I dare you!" "OK." "OK." "What exactly are we doing here?" "What's your plan?" "Cos sooner or later, you're gonna get tired." "True." "Then again, sooner or later, I'm gonna wet myself and you hate mess, don't you?" "So how are you gonna cope with my wee trickling down your leg?" "(GROANS)" "Nice try, Jamie!" "Nice try!" "But the doofus was never gonna win at Doofus." "Any last words?" "Go on, beg!" "Nothing?" "Kind of appropriate." "Even your death is anti-climactic." "(GASPS)" "LAYLA:" "Ariel!" "(SCREAMS)" "(CRIES OUT IN PAIN)" "Um... (CRIES OUT IN PAIN)" "(PANTS) OK." "Dad, you were awesome!" "JAMIE:" "You can't be here." "It's not safe." "It's OK." "Uncle Ariel ran away." "He's gone." "He's gone." "He's gone." "He's gone." "I helped, didn't I?" "With my sick." "Yes." "So no more sweets for you." " Ever." " Aw!" "Dad!" "Well, that's the end of the giraffe outfit then." " Mum, I know you've got spares." " What?" "(JAMIE LAUGHS)" "What the hell's taking so long?" "I just asked them to triple-check their calculations." "Shanghai." "Repeat." "Shanghai." "Well?" "Did it work?" "Mr President, I'm afraid Operation Saviour has failed." "(ALL GASP)" "We diverted it but not enough." "It's still going to hit Earth." "Scotty, get him out of here." "It's gonna get ugly." "SCOTTY:" "Mr President, Mr President, this way." "MAN:" "All external comms down." "They've cut us off!" "MAN:" "Get back!" "NEWSREADER:" "OK." "We're just getting some breaking news here." "And it's the news we've all been hoping for." "We have official confirmation from mission control that Operation Saviour has succeeded." "MAN:" "That's wrong!" "All wrong!" "For your own good, stand back!" "NEWSREADER:" "And a tweet here from Jacob Gardiner, one of the Saviour scientists." "He just says, "We did it!"" ""Hashtag you're welcome, Earth."" "What the hell's that?" "I didn't tweet that!" "Who's doing this?" "You son of a bitch!" "You lied to me!" "(GUNFIRE)" "(SILENCE)" "(# JACK BY BREACH)" "# I want your body, everybody wants your body" "# So let's jack" "# Let's jack" "# I want your body, everybody wants your body" "# So let's jack" "# Come on, let's jack" "# I want your body, everybody" "# I want your body, everybody wants your body" "# So let's jack..." "Hello!" "Is Sister Celine here?" "No, no, no, no, Father." "Get out!" "You cannot be here." "She has made her choice, Father." " Is it always like this in here?" " Haven't you heard?" "The world is saved!" " Yes." "I will drink to that." " We have a future!" "Which is why I need to speak with her." " Haven't you hurt her enough?" " Yes, I have." " That's why I'm here." " No." "Sorry, Father." "Please." "Give her this." "Tell her I'm done." "And now that there is a future, I want to spend it with my wife." "Yes." "We were married." "Isn't it amazing?" "And we haven't had a honeymoon!" "We will go to Florence and we will tourist the shit out of that place!" "You don't have to say "shit" but try to convey my passion." "Always wanted to visit a convent." "This is exactly as I hoped it would be!" " # Let's jack..." " Party on!" "(ALL CHEER)" "(GARGLES)" "(CLEARS THROAT)" "A little more on my forehead." "I look shiny." "Seven salty sailors sailed the seven seas." "Seven salty sailors sailed the seven seas." "77 salty sailors sailed the seven seas." "Are you comfortable with the speech, sir?" "Sure!" "I've done this a million times." "MAN:" "Five, four..." "My fellow citizens," "I am proud to be speaking to you live from Operation Saviour mission control." "This is undoubtedly the most historic speech I will ever make." "Also the most pleasurable." "Never before have we, as a collective, faced such a mighty challenge to our existence and to our planet." "It gives me great pleasure, pride and honor to formally announce the unqualified success of Operation Saviour." "They hit it!" "Whoa!" "(CHEERING)" "That was my brother!" "My brother did that!" "# You'd better run" "# There's a storm a-comin'" "# Goodbye to the sun" "PRESIDENT:" "I would like to personally thank the men and women of Operation Saviour who've worked tirelessly around the clock for the last 27 days." "Now our future is assured, we must decide what kind of future we wish to have." "Will we revert to our old ways?" "Or will we seize this chance to start afresh?" "Can we overcome the weight of our history, put aside our differences and forge a new way of living?" "A more peaceful, harmonious life for the sake of our children?" "It is not often life gives us a chance to start over." "Let's not waste it." "Let's remember how united we feel right now." "One planet." "One race." "The future is bright." "The future is everyone's." "Thank you." "MAN:" "And we're clear." "Thank you, everyone." "Thank you." "Mr McNeil, we'll speak about our other thing tomorrow." "Yes?" "(# THERE'S A STORM A COMIN' BY RICHARD HAWLEY)" "# Take a last look" "# The sky's got a hangman's noose" "# Shaping all the storms when your foundation of faith" "# Got nothin' to lose" "# Hangman showed you a window" " # To a place..." " (CRIES)" "I love you, Scotty!" "I love you!" "Whoo-hoo!" "(CRIES UNCONTROLLABLY)" "# There's a storm a comin'" "# And you'd better run" "# There's a storm a comin'" "# You'd better" "# Run, boy, run" "# Better run" "# There's a storm a comin'..." "(BEEPING)" "# I can see clearly now the rain has gone" "JAMIE:" "See that?" "That's the end of life as we know it." "# I can see all obstacles" "Yeah." "It's the end of the world." "The actual apocalypse." "# Gone are the dark clouds" "And where am I?" "I'm deep under the suburbs of suburbia, watching it on telly." "NEWSREADER:" "One minute, now." "One minute." "These pictures coming live to us from Hubble." "And to think, just a few short days ago, we were all so happy, planning for a future that didn't exist." "What fools we were." "Thank you all for watching." "I hope we'll meet again." "What fools." "MAN ON RADIO:" "Ah, come on, enough with the conspiracy theories, huh?" "Just enjoy the party, pal." "The world's safe, end of story." "MAN:" "Yeah?" "Well, if everything's OK, why hasn't the state of emergency been lifted, huh?" " Well..." " And where are the Saviour scientists?" "If I'd saved the world, I'd be expecting banquets at the White House." " And the President..." " Can we turn this off?" "Why isn't he on my TV shutting this speculation down?" "(RADIO OFF)" "(WOMAN GASPS)" "I forgot my curling irons." "There are some in the bunker." "You see, the First Lady's undergone the menopause so... from a genetic perspective it makes sense." "You really don't have to explain, sir." "I understand." "Perfectly." "PRESIDENT:" "Seven billion people going about their lives, oblivious to what's in store." "Poor bastards." "(BELLS CHIME)" "CELINE:" "This report about Jude is all wrong." "It was not like this." "He was excited, full of hope." "He'd just resigned from the priesthood." " He was having a breakdown, Celine." " No, he was not." "He'd broken his vows, was racked with guilt over your affair." "The fact is, he committed suicide." "The coroner found no evidence of foul play." "The important thing is, you mustn't blame yourself for his death." "Now, fortunately, the Church takes a more tolerant view of suicide than it used to so we can still give him a proper burial." "No." "I want his body back." " Sister Celine..." " Just Celine." "I am no longer a sister." "He was no longer a priest and I do not wish for him to be buried here." "Then where will you go?" " (UPBEAT MUSIC)" " JAMIE:" "Up yours, comet, we won!" " Dave, thoughts?" " Yo!" "Yo!" "Best party ever!" "In the history of history!" "Awesome!" "JAMIE:" "Still got it, Mum." "So now we've got a future, what do you wanna do?" "Um..." "Hang out with my dad!" "(LAUGHS)" "Um..." "I'm gonna start again." "Do it right this time, I promise." "(GIGGLES)" "LAYLA:" "And what about you, what are you gonna do?" "I'm gonna be the best husband and dad that I can be and I'm gonna live and be more spontaneous!" "DAVE:" "Jamie!" "Phone!" "Say again?" "I can't hear you!" "Yes!" "OK..." "Thank you." "LAYLA:" "You alright?" "Yeah." "Um..." "My dad died." "(SOUND OF RECORDER BEING PLAYED BADLY)" "PAULA:" "I'm watching you, lady." "You think you can just swan back in here as if nothing's happened?" "You lied to my son." "Yeah." "So did you." "You never told him he was adopted!" "BOTH:" "Dave!" "I can't help it, alright?" "I've got no depth perception." "Like I said, you're welcome to stay as long as you want." "You're part of the family now." "(DOOR OPENS)" "(AIR HORN BLARES)" "Rise and shine, McNeil." "You got a date." " What the hell's going on?" " I don't know." "I only found out about this an hour ago." "But you're prepared, right?" "OK, let's move this along." "It's been a long night." "Next up, People versus Rhonda McNeil." "Your Honor, I'd like to move for a postponement." "With the comet now diverted, it's clear that the state of emergency" " will be repealed any day now." " Motion denied." "Your Honor!" "Under Article Eight of the Emergency Measures Act, this case will be heard today by me and me alone." " PAULA:" "David!" " (SOUND OF RECORDER BEING PLAYED)" "Aweek in the honeymoon suite at the Cornbrook Hotel, Windsor!" "Thank you!" "There's too many people in this house and right now I just wanna be with you and Frankie." "Just the three of us." "So..." "Windsor." "That's literally one town away." "It involves crossing a river." " (LAUGHS)" " That's travel, right?" "And, besides, last time we went on holiday you disappeared for seven years." "Yeah." "OK, fair point." "OK." "Frankie and I will pack our bags and head to Windsor." "You sure you don't want us to come to the funeral?" "Yeah." "Frankie's too young." "And, anyway, it's not that big a deal." "I hardly knew him." "I'm tired of being sad." "I just want a bit of happy." "Colonel Gaines, I wanna thank you for this." "And for your, uh, discretion." "I would like to commend you for the Medal of Honor." "You and your colleague." " Husband, sir." " Pardon?" "Scotty is my husband." "Oh." "I see." "Well, I'm sure this must be very difficult for you, um... seeing as tomorrow..." "Well, you know." "After you, Mr President." "GAINES:" "Sir, I am truly sorry." "(SCREAMS)" "You wanna die today or tomorrow?" " Tomorrow!" " Then run." "Taking a US marshal hostage, taking a child hostage, escaping from prison, and all of this on top of hacking into the NSA." "Are those really the actions of a school librarian?" "No." "Facts." "Deus Ex sprung her from jail." "The leader of Deus Ex claims her as a member." "There is only one conclusion to draw." "That McNeil is an active member of this terrorist organization." "And as such, the State urges Your Honor to impose the maximum possible sentence." "The State rests its case." "JUDGE:" "Does the defense have any witnesses to call?" "Well, yes!" "But we would need time..." "Do you have them here or don't you?" "Well, no, we didn't know the hearing was today so..." "The defense rests its case." "What?" "That's it?" "You've gotta be kidding me." " This is wrong!" " Silence!" " I deserve a real trial!" " Counsel!" " With a jury and a real judge!" " You will control your client!" "He doesn't even have a hammer!" "He doesn't have the little judge hammer thing!" "Shut up!" "This isn't helping." "Rhonda McNeil, by the powers vested in me by the Emergency Measures Act," "I find you guilty of all charges." "I sentence you to death by hanging at midnight tonight." " Oh, hey." "You here for Jude's..." " Wrong funeral!" "Go to hell." "You alright?" "I just got heckled by a pensioner." "I can't believe she was married to Jude." "Even the celibates are getting more action than me." "Can we talk about Layla?" "(WHISPERS) Mum, we're at a funeral." "It's just I don't want you to jump back in too soon." "I can't believe that she's your step-mum." "I haven't got any mums." "You've had, like, what, 12 in the last month." "How's that fair?" "(PANICKED CONVERSATION)" " SCOTTY:" "Ladies, please." " WOMAN:" "They can't keep us here." "SCOTTY:" "I know." "Let me explain." " I'm not staying here." " Listen, I understand that you are all very upset." "We were drugged and abducted!" "We woke up in here to find out that, hey, guess what?" "You're the future of the human race." "There's a fridge full of sperm." "Enjoy yourselves." "So, yeah, I think we have a right to be upset." "WOMAN:" "Exactly." "Let us go." "Now." "OK, if you... wanna leave then..." "you're free to go." " WOMAN:" "Thank you!" " (ALL TALKAT ONCE)" "Look, I wish that we hadn't abducted you." "OK, if there had been any other way without causing widespread panic, believe me, we would have done it but there weren't any good options, there were just shitty ones." "That's our future." "When Arnold and I go home, we cook some food, drink a bottle of wine that we've been saving and take one of those pills each." "We die tonight." "SCOTTY:" "And you don't have to." "You are here because we believe in you." "You fill us with hope that humanity can be better next time around and that hope has sustained us through some terrible things" " that we had to do to get you here." " Like what?" " Shooting the president." " (ALL GASP)" " Killed my own commander in chief." " WOMAN:" "Why?" "Cos if he'd been in here, we would have ended up with the same crap all over again." "He wasn't fit to lead mankind into a new age." "I hope that you might be." " We have to leave." " Yeah." "SCOTTY:" "Thank you for listening." "The door will be sealed behind us so if you do wanna leave, now is your last chance." " What are we gonna do?" " (ALL TALKAT ONCE)" "WOMAN:" "Why don't you stay?" "After the things we've done, it wouldn't be right to save ourselves." "Good luck." "CELINE:" "The awful truth is I want the comet to hit." "I know it's selfish." "But I don't want a future without him." "I only met him 33 days ago." "But I did more living in that time... than in the 30 years before." "He made me feel... alive." "But now..." "SUTTON:" "It was just awful!" "I mean, God knows I was a terrible mother but you shouldn't outlive your children." "And to top it all, that little prick Ariel was there!" "Love you too, Grandma." "Your security system's a disgrace." "You should really get that looked at." "Oh, and that little prick wasn't me." "I'm guessing you just met Jamie." "SUTTON:" "Who the hell is..." "Oh!" "So Jamie is your twin." "No flies on you, are there?" "Yet, funny, isn't it, how long ago all of that feels?" "You needing blood, me needing the bunker." "Still..." "Now that none of us are going to die..." " You've a nerve coming here." " Haven't I?" "See, now that there's a future, I've been thinking what it holds for me." "What kind of man will I be?" "And the answer I've come up with is..." "Rich." "And that's where you come in." "I'd like my inheritance now, please." "This amount, first day of every month, into this account." "After all, it'd be a terrible shame if the world was to find out you're actually alive." "Now that there is a future, you really wanna spend it behind bars?" "You're blackmailing me." "Oh, how adorably old-fashioned!" " Molby, take care of him." " (GUN CLICKS)" "You really think I'd come without an insurance policy?" "I'm sure you'll be keen to avoid my little website going live." "It's just a bunch of photos, videos, maps." "You know, stuff lawyers might call evidence." "It automatically goes live unless I enter a code every 12 hours so by all means kill me." "Seal your fate." "Your choice." "(LAUGHS) You know..." "In another life, I would have rather liked you." "You'll get your money." "But if I ever see your face again," "I will have you killed." "MAN:" "Take your clothes off." "You wear this now." "MAN:" "Watch your fingers, gentlemen, this one's a biter!" " Get yourself a tetanus shot!" " (PRISONER GROANS)" "(PRISONER WAILS)" "(PRISONER SCREAMS)" "Oh, hey, hon." "Have you lost weight?" "(SPITS)" "GAINES:" "What a view." "That's beautiful, isn't it?" " GAINES:" "You OK?" " SCOTTY:" "Hm-hm." "I was just thinking... how lucky I am to have had you in my life." "We just shot the President." "Shouldn't you be having a nervous breakdown?" "(LAUGHS)" "Yeah. (LAUGHS) Yeah." "Oh, wow." "Alright, let's do it." "You sure about this?" "Cos once I hit send, the shit hits the fan." "I know." "But everybody has the right to say goodbye." "Yeah." "(PHONE BEEPS)" "Apologies again for the "Slough-ness" of the wake." "It's fitting." "He would have liked it." "To Jude." "ALL:" "To Jude." "MAN ON TV:" "We're going to interrupt as we've got disturbing news breaking out of America." "This tape was released just a couple of minutes ago." "My name is General Gaines." "I was the commanding officer responsible for Operation Saviour." "It is with great regret that I must now discharge my final duty and inform you..." "that Operation Saviour did in fact fail." "Contrary to what you were told, the comet was not sufficiently diverted from its course and will strike the Earth tomorrow at 3:49am Eastern." "That's 8:49am Greenwich Mean Time." "(SCREAMS) No!" "No!" "No!" "GAINES:" "Although this will come as little comfort, I want you to know that plans are in place to ensure the survival of the human race." "No one involved in this cover-up has used it to ensure their own survival." "The President of the United States is dead." "I, too, will perish with you." "I accept full responsibility for my actions..." "No, stay there, we'll come get you." "Layla?" "GAINES:" "It was done for the right reasons and I stand by my decision." "Fuck!" " LAYLA:" "Jamie?" " Like you, I am afraid." "Jamie?" "And, like you, I intend to spend what time I have" " with the people I love." " It's OK." "It's OK." "Daddy's coming." "I hope you can find some solace in these, our final hours." "I wish you good luck." " May the road rise to meet you." " SUTTON:" "Bring in the other kids." "You, prep the bunker." "Do what you can with what we have." "You..." "You're coming with me." "WOMAN ON TV:" "Scenes of disorder and destruction are amassing from every part of the world..." "PAULA:" "Here we go!" "Right." "Now, we can all sit here, feeling sorry for ourselves, or we can part-ay like it's 1999!" "And I mean the one that Prince promised me." "Not the one I actually got." "That was crap. (LAUGHS)" "So I vote for Prince." "Who's with me?" " Yeah, go on then." " Good boy." "Here, get this down your neck, Jamie." "We're going out in style!" "I can't, I've gotta get Layla and Frankie." "I'll be back in time, Mum, I promise." "We'll be together at the end." "The whole family." "I love you, Mum." "I love you too, son." "(ALARMS BLARE)" "(SIRENS WAIL)" "(TIRES SCREECH)" "What are you doing?" "Get out of the way!" "Hello, Jamie." "You were at the funeral." "Of course." "I wanted to pay my last respects to my son." " Your son?" " Yes." "You mean you're my..." "Yes, Jamie." "I am your grandmother." "It's lovely to meet you." "OK." "Great." "Can you move your car, please?" "Oh, come now, Jamie, surely you can spare me a minute or two?" "Actually, no, sorry." "Any other day, yes, but today is all about my wife and daughter so can you please..." "I... can save their lives." "That's really sweet of you but you can't save them." "See, there's a big rock coming and there's nothing any of us can do about it." "I know." "Now be a good boy and stop patronizing me." "Here." "JAMIE:" "What?" "You've got a bunker?" "Only nutters have bunkers." "And it's in Slough?" "Just come to the bunker." "Look, no offense, but I don't know you and now suddenly you're asking me to come and live in a hole?" "The definitive word in that sentence is live." "Whaddya say?" "David, this bucket list is pathetic!" "Seriously?" "You haven't done any of those?" "What have you been doing with your life?" "I don't know." "Angry Birds." "Lies." "All lies." "Yeah." "Funny, that!" "We met this man!" "He's not Jesus!" "He drives a taxicab in Bilbao." "He claims he helps people but it's not true." "We filed a report." "They know he's a fraud." "How could they do this?" "Jude warned me about them." "Look, Celine, darling..." "Let it go, eh?" "What does it matter?" "We're all gonna be dead anyway." "Go on, get that down you." "(MOANS)" "I'm sorry, God." "I'm so sorry." "No need to apologize, dear." "It's going to be alright." "Mint?" "Who are you?" "I am God." "And you are very drunk." "Forgive me." "Oh, good grief." "The groveling." "Always the groveling." "Can't we just be pleased to see each other?" "Jude sends his love, by the way." "So he's in heaven?" "Thank God." "And between you and me, it's nice to have some totty round the place." "I am so sorry." "I broke my vows, I let you down." "The only thing I'm sad about is you leaving." "But I never left you." "I need you, Celine." "You're part of my plan." "Always were and always will be." " (KNOCKING AT DOOR)" " MAN:" "Oi, let me in, I'm gonna puke!" "I'm gonna hurl!" "RHONDA:" "This is my last meal?" "I thought we were supposed to get something we like." "Oh my God, how can you even be hungry?" "I ain't hungry." "You're looking at pure willpower right here." "They gonna kill me," "I'm gonna make it as disgusting for them as I possibly can." "I plan to poop myself the likes of which you ain't never seen before." "What's for dessert, ass face?" " Screw you." " You wish." "I don't even understand why you're here." "I mean, I know you escaped and everything but..." "Hardly seems worth the death penalty." "I guess they must have gotten me on aiding and abetting a terrorist, huh?" "Oh God, you're here cos of me?" " Leanne, I'm so sorry." " Come on, it ain't your fault." "It's my... back-stabbing, bitch-ass husband put me in here." "What happened?" "Well..." "I guess you could say things kinda went downhill after I helped you escape." "Todd Senior was pissed at me." "Oh!" "We was fighting all the time." "Sex went downhill..." "We was barely doing it two, three times a night there towards the end." "Worst part about it was... he turned my kids against me." "Poisoned their minds against me somehow." "Then the sheriff came to the door and I found out there'd been a reward out on me." "$10,000." "20 years of marriage sold out for the price of a boob job." "I don't know what to say." "Rhonda, listen to me." "I know you're scared and I know you feel like you ain't never gonna see your husband and your son again but that ain't true." "You are gonna see them again, in heaven." "You ain't gonna be alone like me." " You're not gonna be alone." " Of course I am." "I ain't got nobody." "I always used to think white was right." "But it's white that betrayed me." "Hmm." "I guess the joke's on me, ain't it?" "(LAUGHS)" "You know, it don't feel too good to realize that you been wrong..." "about every single thing." "Maybe it weren't the blacks and the queers and the Jews" "I shoulda had a problem with." "Maybe it was just men." "(SIGHS)" "(DOOR OPENS)" "OK, General, hang up those guns and lock the door." "My private is standing to attention and awaiting your..." " (SPIKE CLEARS THROAT) ...order." "Hi, Uncle Scotty." "Hello, Scotty, my name is Larsson and I work for your mother." "(LAUGHS)" "OK." "Um..." "My mother's dead." "So whoever you are, could you please just..." "Kenneth?" "That's my Kenneth!" " How did you get this?" " Like I said, I work for your mother." "I don't have time to explain now but she is alive and she wants to save your life." "No, that's... that's impossible." "My mother is dead!" "My sister and I..." "We..." "We were orphans at five years old." "You know what?" "Boo-fucking-hoo." "Hey!" "You don't talk to him like that." "I'll level with you." "I'm not here for my people skills." "I'm sure you've stuff to work out with your mother but for now let's stick to the facts." "Armageddon is tomorrow." "Your mother has a bunker." "She wants to save your life so let's go." "Well, actually, no," "I'm sorry to disappoint you but I don't wanna live." " But your nephew does." " Hey, that's great." "That is great." "So you go have fun but you can count me out of it." "And what about Mom?" "She's in jail cos you uh..." "put her there." "Don't you think you owe her?" "Don't you think you owe me?" "Man, what do you want me to do about it?" "She's being held on a military base, which is where you come in." "SPIKE:" "Please." "You guys are her only hope." "GAINES:" "Come on, man." "(LAUGHS)" "Fine." "Fine." "We'll help you get Rhonda and we'll help you survive." "We're not saving ourselves." "Right?" "Right." "I appreciate this but I really don't need to be babysat." "Yeah, well, better safe than sorry." "MOLBY:" "It's chaos, Jamie." "You wanna get your family to the bunker, don't you?" "And it'll be safe in the bunker, right?" "Be a hell of a lot safer than not being in there." "It's just... (TIRES SCREECH)" "(GLASS SHATTERS)" "Whoo!" " No." " Yes." "(GUN CLICKS)" "(GASPS)" "You like?" "I call this look..." "Corporate Gimp." "What are you doing?" "Ending Doofus, doofus." "I could have just shot you in the car but it didn't feel right." "Whereas this..." "Entombed in your own bank vault." "Atedious suburban end to a tedious suburban life." "What have I ever done to you?" "You know what it was like to grow up being told how much better you were?" "Mum used to call you her "special boy."" "Said she gave you up cos you deserved better." "So I cyber-stalked you to find out what all the fuss was about." "Only you weren't special." "You were average." "And I kept you that way." "You know, the only thing sadder than being a bank manager in Slough is playing a game where your avatar is a Slough bank manager." "And then having to watch as your wife falls in love with him." "Don't!" "So you met Grandma, then?" "She's a dear, isn't she?" "Sadly, I burnt my bridges there but luckily you didn't." "So all I need do to survive is pretend to be you." "I've realized..." "Doofus wasn't a game." "It was a rehearsal." "I've watched you for so long." "I know how you talk." "How you move." "I know how you think." "So I'm gonna go now, find Frankie," "Layla, and enjoy my night in the honeymoon suite." "Leave them alone." "Please." "(DOOR LOCKS)" "(ALARMS BLARE)" "OK..." "If you're gonna be him... you're gonna have to face this." "Germs cannot get you." "(BREATHES DEEPLY)" "OK." "Yeah." "(LAUGHS)" "OK." "Jamie, why are you stroking the bank?" "(LAUGHS) See?" "I knew it was more than a job for him." "It's a fetish." " DAVE:" "Sex money." " (BOTH GIGGLE)" "What you even doing here?" "Where's Layla?" "J..." "Just... wanted to say goodbye." "And clear out my desk." "(LAUGHS) God!" "That is so you!" "It's like Captain Anal strikes again." "I am what I am!" "So why are you here?" "Well, um..." "PAULA:" "We've been bucket listing and we've got some news for you, Jamie." "After having several small sherries..." "David here has asked me to be his good lady wife." "And I... have said yes." "(LAUGHS)" "We're getting married!" "(LAUGHS)" "No, Mum, you're not." " I forbid it." " (SIGHS)" "Our family's already weird enough without that as my step-dad." " I told you he'd be like this." " Mm." "Like what?" "Sane?" "You don't even like him!" "Every morning on the way to school, same lecture." ""Why do you hang out with Dave?" "He's a loser, he drags you down."" "And now suddenly he's marriage material?" "Oh, for God's sake!" "Stop being so..." " Jamie-ish!" " (LAUGHS)" "It's the end of the world!" "What does it matter?" "What does it matter?" "She's my mum!" "Just..." "Look, just come here." "Come on." "Mate!" "Hey, don't fight it." "Come on." "Come on, come here." "Now listen." "I promise to be the best father I can be for you." "Paula, come on." "Come on, let's have ourselves a Jamie sandwich." " Come on." " Oh..." "Please, Jamie." "You know I've always wanted to get married and it would mean the world to me if you walked me down the aisle." "Plus it'd take our minds off all this dying stuff." "Huh?" "OK, Mum, I'll do it." "Yes!" "I knew you'd come round!" "I love you, Jamie." "I love you too, Mum." " (WHISPERS) How are we gonna do this?" " Just walk in." "Now shut up and try to look butch." "Open the damn gate." " Sir, can I help you?" " Hell is everybody?" " Sir, they, uh..." "They left, sir." " They left?" "That's a disgrace." "Why are you smiling?" " Sir, I'm not smiling, sir." " Are you calling me a liar?" "I say you're smiling, I say you're proud of the cowardice of your regiment!" "Guardhouse, now!" "This is the guardhouse, sir." "Well, open the door, then!" "(SIGHS)" "Sir, sir, you're not allowed to..." "Do not tell me where I can and cannot go, son." "Now open that cell." "I've got orders from the President." " No, sir, I can't, I have orders." " (SHOUTS) From me!" "Don't make me go Mount Vesuvius on you, son, or is that what you want?" "You want me to erupt and spray my hot, molten lava upon you?" "Ask yourself, is that what you really want?" "To be my Pompeii?" "I..." "I don't exactly know what that is, sir, but I don't think so." "Then open the door." "OK." "McNeil, today is your lucky day." " We have to get Leanne." " Shut up and keep moving." "I can't just leave her." "Hey, open her cell!" "I don't take orders from you." " What the hell is this?" " You heard her, open the other cell." "I said open the door." "You heard the man." "Be a good boy now." "Sir, I'm gonna need to see those orders." "Open it." "Sir..." "I cannot comply unless you show me those orders." "Show me the orders!" "Don't do this, Private." " (GUNSHOT) - (RHONDA SCREAMS)" "(GROANS)" " GAINES:" "Scotty, look at me!" " RHONDA:" "Oh my God!" "Look at me." "Hey." "Hey." "MAN:" "Shots fired." "All guards to section nine." "Shots fired." " Shots fired." "Guards to section nine." " GAINES:" "Gotta go." " GAINES:" "Come on!" " (GROANS)" "Let's go, let's go!" "RHONDA:" "Hold on, Scotty, hold on!" "MAN:" "Got a man down!" "Soon, Jude." "Soon." "I am ready." "(KNOCKING AT DOOR)" "(GASPS)" "Daddy!" " Where were you?" "We were worried sick." " I know." "We don't have to worry about anything any more." "See, there's this bunker." "We're gonna go there." "And we are gonna survive." "The three of us, together, a family," "Our family." "We'll never be apart again." "(GROANS)" "(GROANS)" "I love you, Jamie." "I love you, too."