"( theme music playing )" "these pills i am taking are to calm my nerves." "i need them because i have just photographed the map of the german plan to invade england." "the resistance are, at this moment, developing the negative." "the photograph was supposed to be flown to england attached to the leg of a long distance duck." "unfortunately, the duck escaped, and is now being hunted by monsieur alphonse, the undertaker, and monsieur leclerc, the old forger." "ah!" "what are you doing, edith?" "i have just been down the cellar, returning the uniform of the french general, which was used by the agent crabtree." "how is the french general?" "he is still paralyzed from the resistance pill given to him by mimi." "let us hope he stays that way." "he is a collaborator, and dangerous." "should he regain consciousness, mimi has attached a chain from his ankle to a ball." "well, that should hinder his movements." "( knocking ) see who is at the door, quick." "oh, it is monsieur alphonse, with a duck on his head!" "come in, come in." "did you catch the long distance duck?" "it is in the basket." "it has passed out." "you cruel things, what have you done to it?" "the italian captain, he shot it." "oh my god!" "how are we going to get the film to england?" "it is very mysterious." "there is no mark on the body." "not a feather is ruffled." "perhaps he fainted with fright at the sound of the gun?" "do not be ridiculous." "ducks are used to being shot at." "it happens to them all the time." "fortunately, i have my stethoscope." "we undertakers cannot be too careful." "if we bury people before they are dead, they get very cross, and they sue us for damages!" "now, silence please, while i give it a test." "( coughs )" "oh my god!" "my pills!" "i must take a pill!" "give it to me." "let me try." " can you hear anything?" " shh!" "is he breathing?" "breathing?" "he is snoring!" "the poor little thing must be exhausted from all that flying about." "i will take his temperature." "( duck quacks )" "well, that has stopped him snoring." "it may have interrupted a nice dream." "yes, it probably started one." "for heaven's sake, sit down, fairfax." "you're like a caged lion." "i am a caged lion." "i can't stand being cooped up in a police station much longer." "crabtree will let us out." "i have an idea running round my head." "well, trip it up and let's hear it." "there's always a little tank parked outside the cafe." "why don't we dress up as krauts and steal it?" "can you drive a tank?" "i drove an austin seven once." "must be the same principle." "we could fight our way down to the docks, bash into them, hijack a submarine, and then poodle across to england." "my god, you're brave." "yes, i am, aren't i?" "good luck." "now, gruber, i have here a plan of the sawmill, drawn by leclerc, the pianist at the cafe." "the original paintings of the fallen madonna with the big boobies by van clomp, and the cracked vase with the big daises by van gogh, are somewhere inside." "how many members of the communist resistance are defending the mill?" "we do not know, and we do not care." "captain bertorelli and his platoon will lead the assault." "do we tell him about the paintings?" "no. when he has done the dirty work, you will burst through the wall in your little tank, jump out and nick the paintings." "but i do not know where to look." "take rene with you." "he hid them there in the first place." "suppose he will not disclose the whereabouts of the paintings?" "hit him and kick him until he does." "did you learn nothing at officer's training school?" "( yelling ) captain alberto bertorelli!" "colonel, my friend, how are you getting on, eh?" "you're late." "i train my troops." "they are fanatics." "they are brave fighting men." "they take the bayonet and they kill the haystack." "we have a job for them." "this is the mill where the communist resistance are hiding." "you will capture them." "how many men do you have?" "i have 20 of the finest fighting men in the world." "how many are the communists?" "10." "colonel, my men will do this, even though the odds are against us." "colonel, general von klinkerhoffen is here!" "general von klinkerhoffen!" "ah, the bigger the noise." "( yelling ) general von klinkerhoffen!" " hell hitler!" " colonel: hell hitler!" "general, my friend, how's it getting on, eh?" "do not speak until you are spoken to." "the town under your command is a disgrace." "you have the worst security in all occupied france." "yesterday, under your very nose an attempt was made to poison the top brass in the german forces, as we were meeting to plan the invasion of england." "but general, the substance was harmless." "next time it may not be harmless." "now, who knew of this meeting?" "only the other generals." "are you so stupid as to suggest we would poison ourselves?" "who else?" "rene at the cafe." "arrest him, and shoot him." "yes, general." "general:" "now then, have you recovered the paintings?" "paintings?" "what paintings?" "did i speak to you?" " no." " then shut up." "no, we haven't recovered them, but we are working on it." "if they are not returned by the end of the week, you, too, will be shot." "is that clear?" "of course, general." "that is all." "see to it!" "if in the italian army we have a general like that, we tell the mafia." "we make the contract." "he bite the dust." "i heard that!" "oh, my!" "what a mistake to make!" "now listen, michelle, before you say this only once, i have to tell you the long distance duck is suffering from feather fatigue-- it is in no condition to fly to england." "his journey will not be necessary." "the pictures are useless." "we photographed the map." "yes, with nothing on it." "what do you mean?" "no marks, no arrows, no flags-- nothing!" "why did you not wait until they had formed a plan?" "you are incompetent!" "right!" "that is it!" "i resign!" "i am no longer in the resistance." "i am no longer the bravest man in all france." "you can take your radio, and your duck, and you can-- you can find somebody else!" "you cannot mean this." "what do you want, a letter?" "no, no, please, rene, stay with us." "oh, rene, how can we go on without you?" "if you ask me, a jolly sight better." "he was always a liability." "i will take over from him." "you take over?" "ha!" "please, rene, think again." " no." " we all need you." "no, i am finished." "let me speak with him alone." "alone?" "alone." "alone?" "alone." "alone?" "alone." "very well." "well?" "i only have one thing to say to you." "i, too, cannot go on without you." "i love you." "i always have, and until the end of time, i always will." "oh my god!" "i wonder what she is saying to him?" "i think i can hear banging." "i hope she is not doing him a mischief." "he needs a good talking to." "i think she is giving him one." "well  that is settled." "i have just seen everything from a new angle." "i am now back in my old position." "we must get on the radio to london, and tell them about the photographs." "mamma, i am sorry to disturb you, but we have to get on the wireless to london." "'allo, london, 'allo, london." "this is nighthawk calling, are you receiving me, over?" "'allo, nighthawk." "there is much interference." "( radio static ) we are trying to rectify it." " hold on." " hold on, he says." "do they not know there is a war on?" "edith, edith." "what is it, mamma?" "why is there, in my bed, on my hot water bottle, a duck?" "you were asleep." "he was suffering from shock." "we were trying to keep him warm." "it is not a he." "how do you know?" "rene!" "it is a long distance lady duck!" "put it back under your mother." "do you expect a poor old woman to hatch a duck?" "you will do as you are told!" "you cruel man!" "now you have made her broody." "rene, lieutenant gruber is downstairs with two stormtroopers." " they are going to arrest you." " no!" "they are coming upstairs, i could not stop them." "oh my god!" " rene, in the cupboard." " yes." "hide the radio." "but i have not switched it off!" "too late." "mimi, the speaker!" "oh!" "mamma, pretend to be dying." "what from?" "anything." "( moaning )" "( knocking ) excuse me, madame." "you have come at a bad time, lieutenant gruber." "my mother is breathing her last breath, even as i speak." "( inhales loudly ) oh, edith." "goodbye, my child." "goodbye, yvette." "goodbye, mimi." "goodbye, michelle of the resistance." "she is delirious." "( inhales loudly ) there, she is gone" "( radio static;" "flatulent sound ) almost." "even now, her restless spirit is leaving her mortal body." "( quacking )" "it seems to be having difficulty getting through the sheet." "it is a duck!" "we are simple peasants." "it is our custom to put in the bed of an ailing woman, a duck." "there is an old country verse:" ""it is very good luck, when someone is dead, to have a white duck, at the end of the bed."" "it is not white." "there is a war on." "we are looking for rene." "clearly he is not here." "we will search elsewhere." "what about the cupboard?" "i will look there." "you look down the corridor." "shoo!" "shoo!" "as i thought, it is empty." "rene, it is believed you were behind the plot to murder the generals." "you are to be shot." "i did not do it, i promise." "you must disappear until we reveal the true culprit." "meanwhile, stay in the closet." "i regret this intrusion, madame, at the time of your grief." "( radio static;" "flatulent sound ) heil hitler." " hell hitler." " ( spits )" "( yelling ) herr flick, of the gestapo!" "colonel:" "ah, herr flick-- captain alberto bertorelli, herr flick." "herr flick, the secret police-- i hear all about you." "how are you getting on, eh?" "what for you tell me he a nasty man?" "he has a kind face, like a little angel." "take the seat." "make yourself at home." "what can we do for you?" "what i have to say is for the ears of the colonel, and not for a wop in a feather hat." "i take the hint." "i go." "the beautiful lady, i kiss your hand." "( barks ) what hitler was thinking about when he brought that lot into our war, i cannot imagine." "had i been in charge of security, there would not have been an attempt on the life of the generals." "you are a bungler." "we already have a suspect-- rene at the cafe." "we're going to shoot him." "how can i interrogate him, if you shoot him?" "what is more, i do not believe him to be the guilty one." "he is too obvious to be used by the resistance." "there is clearly someone else." "there was, at our meeting, a french general." "he's from vichy, and they're supposed to be on our side." "once again helga has put her finger on it." "we must find this french general, arrest him, and interrogate him." "do you have a description?" "he has a big nose." "all french generals have big noses." "he is tall, and he is dressed as a french general." "with this description, we should be able to find him." "when we do, i will arrest him." "yvette, cognacs for the colonel's table." "edith, i am sick with worry." "where is rene?" "shh!" "he is down the cellar with monsieur leclerc." "but the french general is also down there." "he is still unconscious from the pill of mimi." "when i paralyze a man, he stays paralyzed." "how are we going to get rene away from the cafe with the colonel and gruber there?" "gruber will not give him away." "i will try to get the colonel upstairs." "your drinks, colonel." "and when you are ready to go upstairs, i have a special end-of-season offer" "wet rhubarb." "i'm sorry, yvette." "attractive as it sounds, i have to stay here until i've seen rene." "as soon as we've arrested rene, we will say he's escaped." "gruber, you must hide him in your room at the chateau." "of course." "i will not let him out of my sight." "he must recover for us the paintings, and then if the general insists on shooting him, it doesn't matter." "dear madame edith, i have here for rene, the clothes of an undertaker." "tell him to get to my mortuary and i'll hide him in a coffin until the heat is off." "you are a good friend, monsieur alphonse." "i do it because i love you." "just say the word, madame, and i'll screw down the lid." "good moaning." "i will take it to him at once." "i hear the germans are licking for ronnie." "he is hiding in the cellar." "i have brought for him a disgeese." "it is a poloceman's outfart." "woring it, he can wick out of the coffee and down the stroot." "thank you, officer crabtree." "wish him good lick from moo." "mimi, look after the bar." "i am taking to rene the uniform of the policeman." "have you not finished yet, monsieur leclerc?" "madame, it is very skillful work." "where is rene?" "i have for him the uniform of a policeman." "he is already wearing his disguise." "how do i look?" "the french general." "you look magnificent, and what a nose!" "my very best work, madame." "with this, he can now escape." "yes, there is one problem." "my legs have turned to jelly." "take courage, my husband." "yvette will see you through the bar, into the back room." "go through the window, and head for spain." "when i get there, i will write." "good luck." "that was a wonderful nose, monsieur leclerc." "did you use clay?" "no, madame, clay is too crumbly." "i used one of these." " there." " what is it?" "it is plastic explosive." "let us hope he does not smoke." "do not worry, madame." "it will not go off unless you light the wick." "have you put a wick up his nose?" "i have buried it in his nostril." "come this way, general." "i have a place for you in the private room." "colonel, that is the french general, the one herr flick suspects." "if herr flick is right, it would take the suspicion off rene." "helga, go quickly and tell herr flick, and we will see he doesn't leave the cafe." "you cannot go that way, it is swarming with german troops." "what does that matter?" "a french general cannot be seen climbing out of a window." "you must leave by the front door." "oh my god, you are right, of course." "wish me luck." "oh, rene, kiss me goodbye for one last time." "oh, yvette." "oh." "oh, rene." "oh, rene!" "now go!" "do not look back." "i cannot bear to see you." "here he comes." "we must not let him leave." "general!" "general aznavour." "what a pleasure to see you." "you must come and join us at the table." "take wine." "it is such a pleasure to have you on our side." "( low voice ) no, i am sorry, i cannot, colonel." "i have an urgent appointment to do some collaborating." "nonsense!" "gruber, a chair for the general." "champagne for the general!" "general aznavour, a word in your ear." "your nose is squashed." "oh my god!" "gruber:" "it is rene!" "what are you doing?" "i am trying to escape." "please, do not give me away." "of course i will not, but you must get out of here quickly." "the plan you outlined" "that plan you outlined at the conference was very interesting." "colonel, it is rene under an assumed nose." "my god, what a hooter!" "excuse me, it is tickling." "achoo!" "rene  listen closely." "we must hide you." " ( fizzling ) - you must remain in his quarters until the real french general has been found." "flick will get a confession out of him, whether he is guilty or not." "meanwhile, you must help us to recover the paintings." "rene, your nose is smoldering." "quick, it is plastic explosive!" "oh my god!" "aaahh!" "( explosion )" "( theme music playing )"