"Cory, Cory, Cory." "Do you remember that goldfish I used to have?" " The turtle?" " Yeah." "Well, I finally replaced him." "Here, boy." " What do you think?" " I don't know." "I'd hate to have to flush him down the toilet." " It's a pig." " Do you know something?" "It is a pig." "Aw." " He's cute." " Last night I was at my old trailer park, digging around the sludge where our house used to be, and I found this little guy gnawing on my uncle Sal's old peg leg." "Poor Uncle Sal." "How does he get around without it?" "Who said anything about without it?" "Sal was there, he just never noticed the pig." "Shawn, I see what's going on." "I'm spending way too much time with Topanga, and this is your oh-so-subtle way of showing me that I can be replaced by a common pig." "Come on, Cory." "As flattered as you are, this piglet is nothing to do with you." "(bell)" "Well, come on, Little Cory." " Time for class." " Shawn." "Hey, it's the first name that popped in my head." "Oh, he's so adorable." "What's your name, cute feller?" "His name's Little Cory." "I can see that." " Where'd you get him?" " I found him." "Well, we have to find a nice home for Little Cory." "He has one." "With me." "No, I mean a proper home, where he can run around." "He can run around with me." "Come on, Shawn." "Do you really know how to raise a pig?" "Topanga, it sounds like you're trying to tell me what to do." " Well, it sounds like someone should." " Guys, guys, lighten up." "I mean, any way you slice it, it's only a pig, right?" "What?" "(Shawn) You know, Cory, having a pig is sure making school fun." " But the fun is over." "Look who's coming." " Uh-oh." "Feeny." "(pig squeals)" " You taught him that?" " No." "He just knows." " Hello, Principal Feeny." " No farm animals here." "Yes, well." "The day is young." "Mr. Feeny." "Imagine finding you here." "I work here." "What can I do for you, Mr. Matthews?" "You know, I've been thinking about school, reading up on colleges, trying to pick the right one for me." "Hm?" ""Girls of the Ivy League."" " Goodbye, Mr. Matthews." " Uh, no, wait, Mr. Feeny." "Mr. Feeny." "Have you heard of a college called Ya-le?" " You mean Yale?" " Yeah." "Is that one any good?" "It's one of the finest universities in the country." "Eric." "Hear my words." "It's no party school." "Oh, well, excuse me, Mr. Feeny, but according to this here girl floating on the raft reading the physics book, Yale rocks." "Eric." "Yale has perhaps the highest admission standards in the country." "Drat." "Now, have you thought of applying to someplace more accessible?" "Maybe a state school?" "Maybe a preschool?" "All right." "Look, Mr. Feeny." "I have a question that I'm gonna need a yes-or-no answer to." "How many people get into Yale every year?" "No." "Well, you gotta know somebody there." "Well, yes, I do." "But believe me, Mr. Matthews, it would take more than your grades to get you into Yale." "Oh, I'm hearing what you're saying, Mr. Feeny, and I'm winking right back at you." "Please don't." "Oh, Catherine." "Oh, Catherine, you wild woman." "Oh." " Oh, Catherine..." " (pig squeals)" "(spits)" "Hunter, we had an agreement." "He can't kiss me any more." "Look, Hunter, we went over the ground rules." "You can keep the pig..." "Little Cory." "(pig grunts)" "Little Cory." "But he's all yours." "I don't want to raise him." "I don't want to hear from him." " Do we understand each other?" " Yeah." "Pig-hater." "I heard that." "Is there a thirsty pig here?" "Come on." "Yes." "Hey, Shawn." "How's Little Cory doing?" "(pig burps)" " Better now." " Well, I brought him a present." "That's nice, but it's not his birthday till..." "Ah, heck, it's his birthday today." "A squirrel bank?" "What?" "They didn't have any piggy banks?" "Well, I didn't think something where you shove metal into a pig's back would be that appealing to him." "Smart." "Hey, listen." "I think I'll be able to hook up with you and Topanga at Chubby's later." "Cool?" "What?" "You're gonna leave Little Cory alone?" "You think that's a good idea?" "Oh, yeah." "It's all here in What to Expect When You're Raising a Pig." ""When to Tell Your Pig About Bacon."" "Cory, Cory." "Little ears." "Listen, about tonight, hanging out with us at Chubby's." "Topanga's still a little upset about you keeping a pig in the apartment." "Little Cory." "Would you excuse us for a minute?" "Cory, this is none of Topanga's business." "You're right." "You know, you're absolutely right." "And I told her that." "Good." "Thanks." "Then I told her you'd probably find a good home for it in a couple of days, right?" "Wait, Cory." "Why would you do that?" "Come on, Shawn, face it." "I mean, who keeps a pig in an apartment?" "I do." "And you seemed to be OK with it this morning before you talked to your girlfriend." "Gimme a break, all right?" "I'm not here to take anyone's side." " Sure doesn't sound like it." " Hey, I love the little sow." "Didn't his uncle Cory show up with a gift?" "I don't know why Topanga has a problem with this." "I mean, nobody else does." "Hunter, I got a problem with your pig." "Left me a little gift on my pillow." "Was there a card?" "Mr. Feeny." "Imagine finding you here." "I live here." "You stop that." "Anyway, you know," "I was thinking about what you said, about how you had friends at Yale, and I was wondering what it would take for a man like George Feeny to..." "Oh, look what Eric dropped." "Aren't you gonna pick that up?" "Why?" "Eric dropped it." "Here you are, Mr. Feeny." "A gift." "Two box seats to tomorrow night's opera?" " Is this a bribe?" " Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no." "This isn't a bribe." "This is, uh..." "This is me doing something nice for you, hoping that someday you'll do something nice for me." "(coughs) Yale." "Yale." "Mr. Matthews, I will do something nice for you." "Places like Yale embrace young people with culture." " I like what I'm hearing, Mr. Feeny." " Good." "Then I'll pick you up at 7:30." "Feeny say what?" "Feeny say 7:30." "So I walk in and Chubby says, "Hey, who's the pig you're with?"" "The pig points to me." "Cory, I thought you were going to talk to Shawn about keeping the pig." "Uh, I did." "Maybe it's another pig." "You know, I hear they travel in groups." "OK, if you're ordering." "Two number threes and two sodas." "Make his a diet." "Look, Shawn." "I'm not trying to be mean." "I just don't think it's fair for him to be living in an apartment." "He's a farm animal." "Yeah, well, according to my new book, Farm Animals Make Great Pets, farm animals make great pets." "You love him now, but what happens when he's 500 pounds, sitting on a couch, not moving?" "Hey, I never stopped loving Aunt Gloria." "I'm not the only one who feels this way." "Right, Cory?" "You look great, Topanga." "Did I mention that?" "Hey, Cory, would you tell Topanga to back off?" "Shawn, you don't look so bad yourself." "Cory, you didn't answer me." "Am I right or wrong?" " You're both right." " We can't both be right." " You can't?" " No." "Now, whose side are you on, Cory?" "Well..." "Yours, I guess." "Then let's grab a bite somewhere else." "Shawn, I..." "You know, I..." "Hey, you'd better go." "You don't want to keep your girlfriend waiting." "(Cory) We gotta talk, Shawn." "I know you're there." "Come on, pick up." "Cory, what's going on?" "Look, last night at Chubby's Shawn was out with this pig." "Hey, hey." "Hey." "I brought you up better than to talk like that." "A real pig." "And he really loves it." "But Topanga doesn't think he should keep a pig in the apartment and I kinda took her side." "Oh, well." "Um, did you think she was right?" "Yeah, but, you know, he's right too." " But you sided with Topanga." " Yeah." "Well, of course he did." "He's a guy." "What else is he gonna do?" "He could have told Topanga how he felt." " No, she would have been mad at me." " Well, now Shawn's mad." "Seriously, Cory, if you thought they both were right, you shouldn't have taken sides." "Well, it sounds easy." "Why was it so hard?" "Well, being caught between your best friend and your girlfriend is tough." "You're growing up." "It's not always easy in the real world." "♪ I'm going to Yale, I'm going to Yale" "It's a little easier in his world." " Hey, you gonna finish that?" " (pig grunts)" "Just asking." " Shawn, we gotta talk." " Excuse me." "I believe I'm with someone." "Yeah, of course you are." "Hey, there." "How you doing?" "Enjoying our little school?" "Meet any other pigs?" "We don't get it." "Look, Shawn." "This whole thing, I know it's kind of my fault, and..." "I'm sorry for taking Topanga's side last night." "But what's more important is we shouldn't let a little thing like this get in the way of our friendship, right?" " I mean, it's only a pig." " Yeah, it's only a pig to you, Topanga, and whoever abandoned him at the trailer park." " How do you know he was abandoned?" " That trailer-park manager told me." "His owners just drove off and left him." "He's all alone, man." "No home, no family, nothing." " Poor guy." " Yeah, I know what he's going through." "I've been there." "Don't you see?" "Yeah, I think I do." "I'm not mad at you." "You took your girlfriend's side." "I'd have probably done the same thing." "Pigs and women, man." "Yeah." "Like my dad always said, they'll both break your heart." "Come on, Shawn." "I mean, this is killing me." "My best friend and my girlfriend not speaking, it's just not right." "Hey, it's her problem." "The way I see it," "I'm just trying to live my life like any normal teenager." "Could you pass the pig shampoo?" "Look, I, uh..." " I invited Topanga over." " Why would you do that?" "So she can see how much the pig means to you, and see what a great home this is." "(buzzer)" " No." "Forget it." " Come on." "I'm your friend." " Yeah, well, Topanga's not." " Just do it for me, then." "Please?" "(buzzer)" "OK." "For you." "But one dig at me or Little Cory and she's gone." "Fine." "Hi, Cory." "Shawn, the light bulb was out in the hallway." " You may want to tell the superintendent." " That's it." "Out." "Shawn, Shawn, clearly no dig there." "I'm a little oversensitive." "So." "Cory says you're going to tell me why this is such a good home for the pig." "Topanga, I don't think I have anything to prove..." "Shawn." "If I may." "Please." "Topanga." "Shawn is one heck of a parent." "As a matter of fact, just before you got here, he was bathing Little Cory in that..." " Tub." "Where is he?" " Oh, no, he's gone." "I left him in there so long he turned into broth." " Well, there's your answer." "He walked out." " Topanga, you left the door open." "Well, that's the kind of thing that happens when a pig lives in the city." "I'm going out to look for him." "All right." "I'll stay by the phone in case he calls." "Just go." "Oh, Little Cory." "Why would you run away?" "Hunter, I found him outside, heading toward the Rib Shack." "Suicide." "You know, this pig has been nothing but trouble." " Now I know I did the right thing." " What thing?" "I called Animal Control." "Told them there was a pig that needed a good home." "You did what?" "Topanga, he has a good home." "Little Cory, let's get you out of here." "You coming with us?" "Cory?" " Let's go." " Cory?" "Look, Topanga." "You put me in the middle of something, and I..." "I..." "I just gotta say, as much as I love you, that just..." "That wasn't right." "And now to call the Animal Control." "I can't believe you would do that." "Come on, Shawn." "We got some serious pig-hiding to do." "You OK?" "Mr. Turner, I know you don't like the pig." "So why do you let Shawn keep it?" "I don't know." "Just seems real important to him, I guess." "He takes good care of the little guy." "Topanga, when you've had the kind of life Shawn's had," "I guess, just in some ways Shawn needs the pig more than the pig needs Shawn." "Mr. Turner?" "I think I made a big mistake." "(man sings opera)" "Heads." "I trust that's your last one." "Mr. Feeny, I'm dying." "We've been here for, like, two hours." "It's been ten minutes." "Settle down and enjoy the evening." "What is there to enjoy?" "We got three fat tenors going at it in Italian." "♪ I'm fatter than you are" "♪ I'm fatter than you are" "Shh!" "Mr. Matthews." "Hush." "Mr. Feeny, I appreciate you helping me get into Yale and everything..." "Oh, Mr. Matthews, I couldn't get you into Yale." "I couldn't get you into a Yale sweatshirt." "Oh, well, excuse me," "Mr. "I'll just take the tickets and not complete the other half of the deal."" "The only deal I've ever made with you is to be your teacher and friend." "And with that, the responsibility to help make you a better person." "Mr. Feeny, I don't want to be a better person." "I just want to party with the girl on the raft." "Yes, well, you won't be doing that at Yale." "Guess I came here for nothing." "Mr. Matthews, say you did meet that young woman on the raft." "Or another woman just like her." "And say that she had a passion for culture." "Perhaps opera." "Well, now, don't you see that after this evening you now have something to talk about?" "All right, Mr. Feeny, look." "It's a nice try, it's a nice plan, but don't you see?" "This kind of stuff is lost on a guy like me." "(♪ "The Ride of the Valkyries" by Wagner)" "Wait, I know this." "I know this." "♪ Bom-ba-da-bom bom, bom-ba-da-bom bom" "This is Bugs Bunny!" "It's Wagner." "No, no, we're talking cartoons here, Mr. Feeny." "You're way out of your league." "(Cory) We're home free now, Shawn." "I don't know, Cory." "Hiding the pig at your house, isn't that a little obvious?" "No, hiding the pig at Old MacDonald's house, that would be obvious." "And besides, if I know Topanga, I'll bet she didn't even call the Animal Control people." "(door bell)" "(man) Animal Control." "I am just a big fat stupidhead." "Sir." "My name's Victor Lasalle." "By law, I'm required to show you my badge." "Wait a minute." "That's your driver's license." "I'm Animal Control." "They don't give us badges." "All right." "So..." "You must be Shawn Hunter." "Yeah, how'd you know?" "Brown hair, five five." "Answers to the name "Shawn Hunter."" "He's good." "All right, OK." "Let's save ourselves a lot of time, a lot of unpleasantries." "You got a pig, I want him." "This pig you speak of." "Could you describe him?" "Yeah, all right, OK." "Let's see." "He looks like a great big lion." "Oh." " That's not our pig." " No." "Cause, uh, cause we don't have one." "So, Mr. Animal Control man, kindly vacate my home at once." "Or else I will be forced to call the Animal-Control control people." "Yes, sir." " Isn't that right, my dear Shawn?" " It sure is, my little Cory." "(pig grunts)" "OK." "Who shaved the dog?" "Control?" "We got pig." "Good, good." "You have pig." "You must be real proud." "You know, son, I'm not in this business to break hearts." "The problem is, this neighborhood is not zoned for pigs." "But hey, you look like a nice enough kid." "Tell you what." "Keep it on the q.t., I got a 20-foot boa in my truck I could slip you." "Is it OK if I just say goodbye to Little Cory?" "Yeah, all right." "Sure." "Why not?" "But don't try to run." "I got a guy out by the back door." "Do you really?" "I don't know." "Do you feel lucky?" "Hey, it's not goodbye." "I'm gonna find out where you end up and I'm gonna come visit you." "'Cause I know what it's like to be passed around from home to home." "Here's looking at you, pig." "You can't take this pig." "Topanga Lawrence?" "Been going out with Cory Matthews for two months?" "I'm way overqualified for this job." "After I spoke to you, I saw this ad in the paper for a lost pig." "So I called its owners." "Now you don't have to take him away." " Isn't that great, Shawn?" " Why is it great?" "Yeah, I still lose Little Cory." "Doesn't matter who the owner is." "It's not me." "Here's the owner." "Hi." "Name's Turner." "I got a place outside the city, and this little guy ran off." "Belongs to my boy, Zed." "Zed?" " Is this really your pig?" " No, no." "My ark is outside, and I'm one pig short." "All right, that's it." "Hands over your head, we're going downtown." "You kidding me?" "Yes, I am." "You know, two can play this sarcasm game." "All right, here's your pig." "Give my best to Zed." "You know, that offer for the 20-foot boa?" "It's still good." "I'll think about it." "You got a card?" "Yeah, right." "I don't even have a badge." "Hunter, I must really like you." "Thanks, man." "Topanga, you thought we couldn't give Little Cory a good home." "Why'd you change your mind?" "A couple of things." "First, it's not my pig." "It's yours." "There's a start." "And then I've known you as long as I've known Cory." "So you're not just my boyfriend's friend." "You're my friend too." "You know, I think the pig's tearing up." "More!" "More!" "Whoo!" "All right, Mr. Matthews." "The show's over." "Let's go." "That's their eighth curtain call." "Oh, more!" "More!" "Oh, Mr. Feeny, you opened up this whole new world for me." "The women are gonna be so impressed with my knowledge of culture." "Fortissimo!" "Who knew?" "Yes, well, you did very well for your first time." "Now can we go?" "I'm tired." "Yeah, and a bit cranky." "Hey, Mr. Feeny, what happens if I meet a girl who doesn't like opera?" "What if she likes ballet?" "Can we go see that?" " Yes, yes." " OK." "Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa." "Can we go see the philharmonic?" "Yes." "May we go now?" "I'm sorry, I just can't leave until something really big happens." "Nothing big happens." "It just ends." " Hey, wait." "Who's that fat lady?" " (fat lady sings)" "OK, we can go now."