"NARRATOR:" "Nighttime, and darkness creeps across the city with big tabby-cat feet." "Once again, we join Freakazoid in the middle of a desperate crisis." "Why do I always wait till the last minute to start Christmas shopping?" "So little time, so many to shop for." "Wow, Lincoln Logs are on sale!" "Mm." "NARRATOR:" "And while Freakazoid purchased the fine gift of Lincoln Logs  a young coffee clerk got a taste of fear." "[LAUGHING MANIACALLY]" "NARRATOR [SINGING]:" "Bum-bum-bum-bum-bum" "[IN NORMAL VOICE] Meet archcriminal Arms Akimbo." "Wanted for extortion, larceny and aggravated nudging." "Born in Brooklyn, his parents were famous print models  who pushed young Arms to follow in their path." "After years of forced modeling, which left his arms frozen in a jaunty pose  young Akimbo turned to crime." "He soon became the scourge of his neighborhood." "[YELLING]" "NARRATOR:" "His furious temper propelled him upward through the criminal ranks." "He was a man determined to elbow his way to the top." "Ha, ha." "I made a little pun there." "Take the candy cane out of my mouth." "Now wipe the sticky candy stuff off my face." "Now, listen, coffee boy." "I'm here to sell you oops insurance." "W..." "What's that?" "Oops." "Please stop." "I'll buy your insurance." "That's good." "You got another premium due next week." "[LAUGHING MANIACALLY]" "NARRATOR:" "And where is the hero who will end this cheap gangster's reign of terror?" "Yeehaw!" "[BELL TINKLING]" "[GLASS BREAKS]" "Oops." "You're too old, Freakazoid." "Hey, this is between me and the jolly one." "So like I was saying, I can't decide whether to get Steff some perfume or a summer sausage shaped like Austria." "You tell me, man." "I'll go with whatever you say." "Um, get her the perfume." "Now beat it." "That Arms Akimbo is gonna pay for this." "I'm gonna make him sad and unhappy all at the same time." "Maybe perfume is wrong." "Maybe I should get her a Barney the Dinosaur golf hat." "Woo-hoo!" "[PAGER BEEPING]" "[WOMAN LAUGHS]" "[CRASH]" "Sorry, ma'am." "It's my pager." "I have it set on "vibrate my bottom."" "It's Mike." "There must be trouble at the hot-dog stand and that is just the thing for Cosgrove." "You're killing me." "A 3-foot-tall chocolate moose with fudge eyes." "Oh, Cosgrove would trade his badge for this." "AKIMBO:" "Oops." "Wow, I forgot about Mike." "I'd better beat feet over to the hot-dog stand." "[LAUGHING NEARBY]" "Lobe?" "I thought you were terrorizing Europe with some kind of cheese ray." "I was, but when the holidays roll around, I come home to terrorize the ones I love." "Who you shopping for?" "Anyone I know?" "Maybe, maybe not." "Maybe I won't tell you." " What'd you get me?" " Show me first." " No, you show me." " No, you." "AKIMBO:" "Oops." "Sorry, Lobe." "Gotta run." "Have a happy." "LOBE:" "And to you, sir." "I hope he got me troubadour pants." "NARRATOR:" "Oh, no!" "Freakazoid's inside that store." "Look out, Freakazoid!" "They're cute, they're lovable and jam shoots out their heads." " I want them all." "WOMAN:" "Aah!" "Aw, nut bunnies." "I've got crime to fight." "[GASPS]" "[FREAKAZOID GRUNTING]" "Oops." "I thought that was you, Freakazoid." "Well, if it isn't Arms Akimbo." "Still selling oops insurance?" "It's a dishonest living." "I haven't seen you since last year's superhero-villain all-star benefit softball game." "I remember." "You were out." "You're crazy." "I was safe." "[CROWD CHEERING]" "[GRUNTS]" "Take a hike." "You're out." "No way, Akimbo." "You missed the tag." "Freakazoid, you were out by a country mile." "No, no, no." "Time." "Can we get a ruling here, please?" "Have you all gone stark raving mad?" "This is a baseball game." "Play ball." "Come on, Huntsman." "What's the call?" "I turned away to have some berry water and I missed the play." "Darn the luck." "Darn." "FREAKAZOID:" "What are you talking about?" "I was safe!" "[ALL ARGUING INDISTINCTLY]" "HUNTSMAN:" "Darn the luck." "Darn." " Out!" " Safe!" "Excuse me." "[FREAKAZOID GRUNTS]" "People like you don't bother me in the least." "You know why?" "Who cares?" "You wanna know?" "No." "You sure?" "It's funny." "Bo, Malachi, take care of this bum." "I'm gonna show you fellas a little trick." "Next time you're in trouble, do this:" "[BO AND MALACHI GRUNT AND GRO AN]" "I know, I make it look easy." "I'll fix you, you wisenheimer." " Howdy, partner." " What is this, Hee Haw?" "Stop it." "Fight normal." "FREAKAZOID [SINGING]:" "Circle around with a Brooklyn thug" "Toss him in the aisle with a coffee mug" "AKIMBO:" "Hey!" "[AKIMBO YELLING]" "[AKIMBO GRUNTS]" "[GRO ANING] You were out." "[OFFICERS SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY O VER RADIO]" "AKIMBO:" "The other way, copper." "[COSGRO VE GRUNTS]" "AKIMBO:" "Hey!" "Hey, Cosgrove, what do you think I should get Steff for Christmas?" "Get her something a girl would want, like banjo lessons or a new turban." "What about perfume?" "I never use the stuff." "It's for girls." "See you." "That's it." "Why buy her anything?" "I'll just tell Steff that I'm her present." "Get her the perfume." "I think you're right." "NARRATOR:" "And now:" "[NARRATOR READING ON-SCREEN TEXT]" "[PLAYING "JINGLE BELLS"]" "NARRATOR:" "This concludes our musical interlude." "We now return to our program." "[SHEEP BAAS]" "Unag, what is taking you so long?" "UNAG:" "I can't see anything." "It's all cloudy and spooky and so on." "Wait a moment." "I think... I..." "I think there's someone here in the cloud peeking at me and so on." "Hello?" "Yes." "Who are you?" "What is that you are holding?" "No." "No, stay back." "Put that down." "No, no!" "[UNAG SCREAMING]" "[BOTH GRUNTING]" "BERNT:" "Hang on, Unag." "[YELLS]" "[UNAG SCREAMS THEN GRUNTS]" "Stupid dummy head." "Why did you drop him?" "His wife will be furious." "[STAMMERING] His face." "He looked like a clown." "[GRUNTING]" "[SNORING]" "[MUMBLING] Na..." "And a dog and a leg on a tree." "On a tree, the dog is leashed..." "Leashed." "I say, pardon me, old chap." "Hello?" "Excuse me." "My hair." "Ew!" "Sorry." "That's all right." "No harm done." "It's just that my head was getting cold." "The name's Spanger." "Lyle Spanger." "Zoid." "Freakazoid." "Oh, jolly good." "Where are you off to, Mr. Freakazoid?" " Schnitzel." " Schnitzel, is it?" "Oh, I see." "From what I understand there are some rather strange goings-on up the mountain there." "Bizarre accidents of inexplicable origin." "You have a bogey in your nose." "Oh, dear." "[SNIFFLING]" "As a matter of fact, I'm headed to Schnitzel myself." "See if I can't sort through the mystery." "I'm a light-bulb dealer by trade." "I'm gonna try to determine if these accidents aren't somehow related to faulty bulbs." "CONDUCTOR:" "Schnitzel!" "Next stop, Schnitzel." "Get off, if you dare." "Well, enjoy your stay, Mr. Freakazoid." "And remember, beware the mountain." "You still have that bogey." "Oh, dear." "[SNIFFLING]" "She's a beautiful mountain, yes?" "But in the cloud lurk spooky things." "You are Freakazoid?" "That's right." "I am Hans." "We will take the sky buckets to the observatory." "The professor is waiting for you there." "Now come." "We mustn't linger." "It is not safe here at night." "It's day." "Well, then I suppose we can linger for a moment." "Okay, let's go." "I saw that." "[CHUCKLING]" "FREAKAZOID:" "Wowee!" "[FREAKAZOID LAUGHS]" "It's just like at Disneyland." " Not anymore, I'm afraid." " What?" "At Disneyland, the sky buckets, they are gone, kaput." "And the ride where they shrink you down tiny, nicht." "Oh, no." "Well, at least they still have those little motorboats." "FREAKAZOID:" "No!" "Not the boats!" "There." "[SINGING] Ooey Gooey was a worm" "A gooey worm was he" "[SINGING] He sat upon a railroad track" "A train he did not see" "BOTH [SINGING]:" "Ooey Gooey!" "[BOTH LAUGHING]" "My good friend Freakazoid." "I came as soon as I got your letter." "Oh, yes." "I'm afraid we have a situation." " You have seen the cloud?" " How bad is it?" "The fate of mankind hangs in the balance." "[CRYING]" "It's awful." "Terrible." "Don't worry, my friend." "We will figure out something." "No, not that." "I was just thinking about that boat ride at Disneyland." "Yes, I know." "It's gone." "[SOBBING] Why?" "Why?" "Why?" "Why?" "There, there." "I understand your pain, but you'll see." "The imagineers at Disney will come up with something even better, ja?" "[WHIMPERING]" "Now come." "We have much work to do." "[CRYING]" "HEINY:" "These are the victims, all of them transformed into clown zombies." "And always the cloud is present." "Ooh, this guy really got nailed." "No, no, no." "Red Skelton painted that for me." "I am a collector." "Professor Heiny, there is someone climbing the mountain." "FREAKAZOID:" "That's Spanger, from the train." "What is he doing?" "Didn't he read the warnings?" "Professor, the cloud, it's..." "It's moving." "Widen the angle." "[CAMERA BEEPING]" "It's headed right for him." "Professor, I've just heard the boat ride at Disneyland is gone." "Why?" "Why?" "LAB TECHNICIAN:" "Look." "Audio." "I must hear it." "SPANGER [ON MONITOR]:" "I say, hello?" "Is there someone there?" "Oh, hello." "What's that you've got there?" "No, put it down." "No!" "[SPANGER SCREAMING]" "The cloud, it's moving away." "Maximum magnification." "[ALL GASP]" "HEINY:" "Poor devil." "And he still has that bogey." "Professor, the cloud." "It's moving toward us." "Ooh." "We're trapped." "[BANGING ON DOOR]" "Stay back." "Hey, Freakazoid, you wanna go build a go-cart?" "Oh, hi, Cosgrove." "I'd like to but we're kind of in the middle of something." "COSGRO VE:" "Okay." "Maybe later." "By the way, there's a spooky cloud thing turning people into clown zombies out here." " I'd take care of that if I were you." " Okay." "See you." "Cosgrove's right." "I'm gonna have to go out there and face that thing, man to cloud." "Or is it teenager to cloud?" "Or is it...?" "FREAKAZOID:" "Hmm." "I've never seen Cosgrove so peppy and frisky." "This fresh mountain air must really agree with him." "Maybe I should get him some for his birthday." "Wait a minute." "Why am I thinking about this right now?" "I've got important work to do." "If I'm not back in five minutes keep waiting." "Hello?" "Aah!" "Aah!" "[MANIACAL LAUGHTER NEARBY]" "Whoa!" "Who's there?" "Freakazoid." "You're always hanging around." "[LAUGHING]" "Lobe." "So you're behind this." "That's right, Freakazoid." "With this atomic demoleculorizer I can turn anyone into a clown zombie, trained to do my bidding." " Why?" " The perfect plan." "Everyone loves a clown." "There's a knock on the door." "It's a clown." "You let it in." "The next thing you know, they've taken over." "For me." "Well, if you don't mind me saying so, that is the stupidest plan I've ever heard of." "No, it's not." "It's a good plan." "Baloney." "People don't like clowns." "What were you thinking?" "That's just dumb." " Nuh-uh." " Uh-huh." "[GRUNTS]" "Dumb, dumb, dumb." "And you're doing it out here in the middle of nowhere." "There aren't even that many people around." "What were you thinking?" "Explain it to me." "L..." "I'm not sure." "L..." "Come on, get out of there." "I expected a lot more from you than this." "Clown zombies." "Please." "You're right." "I'm sorry, I don't know what's wrong with me." "I think I'm overtired." "[CRYING] It's the best I could do." "Turn off the cloud." "Now, go on." "Get out of here." " Go." " I'm sorry." "I'm so sorry." "Go on." "Sorry." "I'm so sorry." "Sorry." "Sorry." "Is he gone?" "Phew!" "Boy, he had a brilliant plan." "Wow, he's good." "Pretty clever, Freakazoid." "Now, how about that go-cart?" "Sure thing, Cosgrove." "Hey, Cosgrove, I know what you're getting for your birthday." "Hey, who wants some pot roast and cola?" "[ENGLISH SDH]"