"PERSONAL BUSINESS" "I got it." "Yeah, thank you, Vic." "Table ready upstairs at Melville's for the Anderson party." "Table ready for the Anderson party." " Your name is Anderson?" " Yeah." "I guess there must be two Anderson parties." " What's the first name?" " Ernie, but they call me Coach." "There are two Anderson parties here." "Would you call upstairs and find out who gets the table?" "Good idea." "Vic, we've got a problem." "There are two Anderson parties." "Which one is it?" "Oh, thanks, Vic." "Thanks." "I got it, Vic." "I'm sorry, I was wrong." "It's not for the Andersons." "It's for the Blubberbutts." "Table ready for the Blubberbutts!" "Table ready for the Blubberbutts!" "Dylan Thomas, Delmore Schwartz, Fitzgerald, Faulkner... they all drank themselves to death." "Gone before their time." "So, can I get you another round?" " Diane's mouth has sprung a leak again." " Excuse me?" "We have to leave." " Could we get our waitress now?" " Sure." "Here's my theory on the relationship between alcohol and genius." "Writing is a lonely profession." "You know..." "Excuse me for a moment." "Carla!" "Carla!" " Please!" "Please!" "Carla!" " Here you go." " Could we get our cheque please?" " Certainly." "Carla, I've told you before, keep your hands off Diane." "I will if you will." "Carla..." "I have two things to say to you." "First, don't ever do that again or you'll regret it for the rest of your life." "And second, would this be a bad time to ask you for a favour?" "For you, there's no good time." "Well then, I would greatly appreciate it if you would switch schedules with me so that I can have next Tuesday off." "No!" "Carla, Oriana Fallaci is giving a speech at Harvard." "Come on, please." "You've gotta change with me." "I don't have to do nothing." "Before I do a favour for you," "I would rather be dragged around town by my tongue." "Since you don't feel strongly about it, maybe Sam would like to decide for us." "Ha!" "I'd rather flip a coin." "At least that way I'd have a chance." " What's that supposed to mean?" " It means that since you two started... you know..." "She gets away with things the rest of us wouldn't." " I beg your pardon!" " Carla, maybe you're right." "Maybe I have been too easy on her." "I'll take her in the back room and teach her some obedience." "I've got no feelings about what you two do in private, no matter how disgusting, sickening and putrid it is." "I just don't think the rest of us should suffer for it." "Carla, all I asked you to do was switch nights off with me and you turn it into a verbal Iynching." "What's the big deal?" "Changing one night?" "There you go again, taking her side!" "OK, all right." "Diane, work Tuesday night and let's just forget this whole thing." "Sam, you obviously don't realise how important this speech is to me." "It's only one night, Carla." "Hey, Diane, I think if you..." "Carla, come on, will..." "Does anyone want to buy a bar?" "Sam, relax." "It's not fair to put you through this." " Carla, you don't have to switch" " Oh, good... good..." " I've just come to an important decision." " Good for you." " Evening, everybody." " Norm!" " Norman!" " Would you like a beer, Norm?" "I'd like to see something in a size 54 sudsy." " So how's life treating you, Norm?" " The same." " That's too bad, Norm." " If not worse." " What's wrong, Normie?" " Nothing." " Little personal problem." " If it's anything you wanna talk about..." "Nah, I thought I'd sit here and let it gnaw at my gut for a while." "Now, Normie, come on." "You're among friends here." "If you can't talk to us, who can you talk to?" "Not Vera, that's for sure." "She and I have split." " I'm sorry." " What happened?" "What caused it?" "She said we no longer communicate, that I never listen to her, a bunch of other stuff." "Yak, yak, yak." "Cheer up, Norm, maybe..." "maybe this'll be good for you somehow." " Yeah?" " Yeah, absolutely." "Look at it this way." " You are a free man now, Norm." " A carefree bachelor." " Yeah, I do have a pad now." " Where is it?" "You know that big beautiful building down by the waterfront?" "You take a left there, you drive for about a half an hour..." " Don't come at night." " This is gonna be a new life for you." " You just gotta get up and around a bit." " I don't know." " Come on, man." "Come on." " What are you waiting for?" " Come on, Norm." " All right." "I'm gonna do it." "Stand back, I'm on the prowl." "Slow up." "Come on, man." " That was awfully quick, Norm." " They know where to find me." "Sam?" " Read this." " What is it?" " My resignation." " Your what?" "Read it." ""Dear Sam..." ""Although my tenure here has been one of value and enlightenment, still... "" "ll faut cultiver notre jardin." "Come on!" "First, nobody resigns from a bar and second, nobody resigns in Latin." " It's French, Sammy." " What does it mean, Cliff?" "Because of the idiomatic peculiarities, it can't really be translated into English." ""One must cultivate one's own garden. "" "Diane, you took some liberties with the derogatory tense there but..." "I think we'II let it slide this time?" "What the hell's this about?" "It's because I didn't take your side against Carla?" "No, Sam." "The problem with Carla is only a symptom." "You see... it's clear that our working together is making our lives miserable." "Diane, you just can't leave like that." "We should have a party." "Some booze, a lot of pretzels, some munchies, get a lot of people together." " You mean, like this?" " Well, I guess that's goodbye, Diane." "Sam, you don't need me tonight." "I wanna go home and start planning." "Carla, what's the matter, sweetheart?" "Are you all right?" "Don't you see?" "My life hasn't exactly been a bag of roses, you know." "My old man used to beat me." "I spent half my childhood in reform school." "My husband was a rat who left me with four hungry mouths to feed." "But this... makes up for all that." "I am the happiest woman alive." "You know, I'm sorry." "I think this is a mistake." "It's a tough town out there..." "Norm, am I right?" "Most employers wouldn't spit on you if your hair was on fire." "But you'll make it, kid." "I know you will." "You've got moxie." "I know." "You all think I'm nothing but an orchid, unequipped to survive in anything but a rarefied atmosphere." "I'll have you know, there's weed in me." "What a farewell speech." "It went on exactly the right length." "Any more would have been too much of a good thing." "Hey, you're really going to do this, aren't you?" " Sam, I'm doing this for us." " Really?" "Yes." "Now don't you want to spend your nights with a woman who's fulfilled, independent, self-actualised?" "I suppose it's worth a shot." "You got her number?" " Hello, everyone." " Hi, Diane." "I have wonderful news." "I've got a job!" " Write us about it." " Good for you." "I know you all thought I was a social misfit, unable to function on the streets." "Well, I not only got a job, I've got a great job!" "I'm a proofreader for a small publishing house." "Isn't that perfect for me?" "I'm proud of you." "Well, it's been two weeks of hell, but I did it." "What's going on here, Norm?" "You been looking for months and Diane snags a job in a couple of weeks?" "Well, it's easier for girls." "If God had made me a woman, I'd never be out of work." "Well, yeah, as long as there are carnivals." "You know, I was sceptical about you finding something, but I guess it won't kill me to come out and say... congratulations!" "Thank you, Carla." "Carla, get up, will ya?" " So, when do you start?" " I'm not sure yet." "How come?" "The job isn't exactly, officially, technically, completely, finally definite." " You don't have the job?" " No." "I've got it." "I poured out my heart for nothing?" "Carla, Carla, I have the job!" "I have the job!" "It's just that there's one small formality that has to be taken care of." " And that's what?" " Mr Hedges wants a reference." "He'll call you tonight." "You will say wonderful things about me, won't you?" " Sam, we'll need more red wine here." " OK." "I will tell him that you are the best cocktail waitress I've ever seen." "And then I'll tell him that I'd like to sell him some land in Florida that I own." "No kidding?" "Where is it?" "We might be neighbours." "I wonder what Vera's doing tonight." "By the way, Normie, how did you and Vera meet?" "Didn't I tell you?" "We were in school together." "We were?" " Not you and I. Vera and I." " Good." "She was a cute little thing back then." "Boy, could she give a hickey." "Famous all over the Midwest for it." "She gave me one the night of the senior prom." "It lasted till a year ago Christmas." " Give her a call, big fella." " I don't think so." "Normie?" "Yeah, I probably should just see how she's doing." " Here, Normie." "Save a dime." "Wait." " Thanks, Coach." "Vera?" "It's Norm." "How are you doing?" "Great." "So, what are you up to?" "You have a date?" "Yes, I'm hurt." "I know it's been two weeks, but..." "You know, it so happens that I have a date myself." "Yeah, I've been getting around." "You don't believe me?" "She's right here." "You can talk to her yourself." "Hello." "Mrs Peterson, thank you for letting Normie go." "He's such an animal." "I've never known a man who can thrill me the way he does." "He touches me and I'm a woman." "A total, quivering woman." "All right." "Thanks, Carla." "Say, Carla, wanna... maybe get some coffee or something?" "Get real." "Yeah, Cheers." "Yeah, he's in the back." "Who can I say is calling?" " Hedges?" " Coach, that's my boss!" "Are you the Ducky Hedges who owes me 50 bucks?" " Anybody can say they're not him!" " No, Coach!" "What colour was Red Wilson's hair?" "Ducky!" "You bet I'm an idiot for ever loaning you 50 bucks!" "You no good chiseller!" "I loaned you that money and you thought I'd forget." "Well, I fooled ya!" " Coach, come on, let me have it." " Give it back when you're through." "Hello?" "Yeah, this is Sam Malone." "No, I've been expecting your call." "You want to know about Diane Chambers?" "I can make this simple." "She's... she's brilliant, she's competent, she's efficient." "I recommend her completely." "What's that?" "Yeah, what do you wanna know?" "I don't think I wanna answer that question." " No, I don't think I wanna answer it." " Answer it!" "Yeah, I've seen her naked." "Mr Hedges, this is Diane Chambers." "You are the most rotten, disgusting pig." "I wouldn't work for you if it was..." "How much?" "Does that include medical?" "What am I saying?" "I wouldn't take your job if it were the last in Boston!" " Told him, Diane." " I can kiss that 50 bucks goodbye." " He's only interested in my body." " Sometimes I'm ashamed to be a guy." "But if I made the switch now, I'd have to buy a whole new wardrobe." "Men are beginning to really disgust me." " Even more than before." " Come on!" "Lighten up!" "I mean one rotten apple doesn't..." "No, not one." "We're talking orchards here." "The few scant offers I've had for a job have all had sexual strings attached." "It makes me crazy thinking of those guys treating my squeeze like a sex object." "Here, here." "Well, I guess I'm not going to get any purely professional offers." "Why don't you come back to the bar?" "This is where you belong." "This is where your people are, where your friends are, where your big guy are." " Where my heart are." " Yeah." "Hey, guys, I think she's coming back." "Hey, why don't you let me go get my coat... and then we'll go over to my place... and we'll celebrate your homecoming?" " Great." " You may need this." " Sam?" "I was just thinking..." " Oh, yeah?" "I tried that once." "Never cared for it." "Come on." "Let's go." " Sam!" " Nice?" "Why did you rehire me just now?" "I hired you because you're the best combination girlfriend-waitress in the city." "And you stink as a waitress." " Exactly what I thought!" " What?" "You hired me for sexual purposes." "Just like that swine, Mr Hedges, wanted to do." " Come on!" "It's completely different." " How is it completely different?" "Well, it..." "All right, for instance... you're nuts about me." "Yes, but who knows, in time I may have become nuts about him." "We had a few things in common." "We both find me adorable." " This is serious!" " All right." "How can I come back knowing you think of me as nothing but your... handmaiden?" "You know, Diane... it gets me the way you women are always talking about sex on the job." "I mean, as if you were the only victims." " What about me?" " What about you?" "You took this job because you wanted to be a waitress?" "Absolutely not." "I..." "I had a burning desire to discover and explore this vein of American culture." "Bull!" "You had a burning desire to explore Mount Sammy here." " What are you saying?" " You took this job because I'm here." " You had sex on your mind, too." " That's not true!" "Not entirely true!" "How do you think it makes me feel to know that the first time you saw me you undressed me with your eyes." "You had no regard for my dignity as a man and an employer." "I was just a challenge to you." "Another notch on your belt." "I am a person." "I have dignity too." "I know you have no regard for this job." "And you continually tell me that I have the brain of a cucumber." "So what's left?" "The only thing left is that you want your physical lust satisfied." "And that's where I come in." " There's only one thing to do." " I know, I know..." " I'll undress and do my duty." " No!" "No, you've shown me the light." "I've been a cad." "OK." "I propose... that you and I abstain from physical contact for one month." "Strictly business for one month." "I think that's the only way that each of us can regain our self-respect." "I think that's a very good idea." "It would help me a lot." "Fine." "One month it is." " Mr Malone." " Miss Chambers." "There is just one more thing." "I think..." "Please, have a seat." "I think that my self-respect bounces back quicker than you expect." "I think two weeks of... strictly business, and I'll be back in peak shape." "Maybe, if I concentrate, one week." "I believe that my recuperative powers are even greater than yours." "A day would be fine with me." "The important thing is that we both know that we could stop." "I think that an hour would certainly prove that." "Well, from that argument it follows that 15 minutes would be adequate." " That's enough time to get to my place." " Let's hurry." "English"