"(scratches)" "(musical tones)" "(rock music)" "â™"This to me is crucial, enough that when I started thinking â™"It indicated something was on â™"In the morning I yawn, take a look in the glass â™"Turn my toothbrush on" "â™"Excuse me if I refer to this as it but it's soothing â™"And cooling and calming me down â™"When I feel like Michael Douglas in "Falling Down"" "â™"Like Calgon it takes me away â™"101 nights of great flex â™"I like to keep the words simple about something complex â™"I'm shifting into second gear when I'm racing down the road" "â™"With my baby blue and a hole in my shoe â™"What is this, what is this â™"Things are happening, quite a bliss â™"The world is shifting â™"Let me out, let me out" "â™"What is this, what is this â™"Things that happen, don't wanna miss â™"The globe is shifting â™"When the fires burn, turn the knob â™"'Cause that's the way the world turns." "â™"What is this, what is this â™"Things are happening, quite a bliss â™"The world is shifting â™"Let me out, let me out â™"What is this, what is this" "â™"Things that happen, don't wanna miss â™"The world is shifting â™"Let me out, let me out â™"What is this, what is this â™"Things that happen, don't wanna miss" "â™"The globe is shifting â™"When the fires burn, turn the knob â™"'Cause that's the way the world turns" "â™"'Cause that's the way the world turns â™"'Cause that's the way the world turns" "â™"'Cause that's the way the world turns â™"That's the way the world turns" "(rock music)" " Okay, would you rather get caught masterbating to gay porn, or picking your nose and eating it." " I think I'm gonna have to take picking my nose." " I'm gonna have to go with gay porn." " Oh, Mason, dude really?" " Yeah, masterbating is normal, and if you're gay then masterbating to guys is normal." "I don't care who you are, you know, eating your boogers is just nasty." " You're right, I'm gonna have to jerk off to gay porn." " Okay, I got one." "Would you rather get caught fucking a sheep or fucking your cousin?" " My first cousin?" " Of course." " My first cousin being a girl?" " Yeah, sure." " Well, who catches me?" "Does like a relative catch me?" " I don't know, why does it matter?" " Well, as long as my mom never finds out, yeah I'd fuck my cousin." " Hey, if it;s good enough for Einstein." " I'd fuck a sheep." " [Bernard] What, ew really?" " What's wrong with you?" " You haven't seen my cousin, okay?" " You're a senior in highschool." "Would you rather get caught making out with the ugliest girl in the freshman class or bust a woody in a shower room full of naked guys?" " Dude, that happened to me one time." "No, no, no,no,no, no, no look in gym class the hottest girl in school she was wearing this like tight little tee shirt." "What?" "Hey, fuck you guys." "Like that could never happen to you." " [Bernard] I know, what a way to start off a movie right?" "It would seem appropriate if you knew these guys." "This is Leroy." "He likes structure in his life, which makes sense he's an architect." "He's also five years into his ten year plan which includes buying a house, getting married, having kids, and making partner at his firm." "Although lately, I'm not so sure if that plan's working for him." "Mason and I played soccer in highschool." "He got all of these scholarship offers senior year and then what's he do?" "He up and quits the team saying he doesn't want to deal with the bullshit anymore." "He's a good guy, but I think he's afraid of anything becoming too real." "I'm not even sure why I'm friends with Victor." "He's kind of angry at the world for fighting him, which is odd because he started it." "He's great to at parties, but keep him away from any female family members." "Seriously." " What are you bitching about?" "You haven't even called me since the last time out at Atomic Cowboy." " Atomic Cowboy was like what?" "Months ago?" " Yeah." "So, what's doin' boys?" " Well," " Shit, you go first." " Yeah, you got first." " Come on, what?" " That night we went Barnapoli, that's where I met that girl Lily, right?" "We were debating Modern Art, specifically-  [Victor] Such a dork." " [Leroy] Whatever." "We're also talking and even though I thought what she was saying was kind of bullshit, I couldn't stop thinking about how absolutely beautiful she is." " [Bernard] Wait, back up, who's Lily?" " [Victor] She's Crystal's friend." " [Bernard] Crystal who?" " [Victor] Come on, I told you about Crystal." " [Bernard] No." " [Victor] Crystal, the craziest girl I ever met in my entire life, Crystal." " [Bernard] Dude, I haven't talked to you in months." "I don't know who Crystal is." " [Victor] Yes, you do, I met her the same night we were all over at Atomic Cowboy and Mason met Angela." " [Bernard] Angela?" "Wait a second, back up, all three of you guys, including the guy who's got a girlfriend, go out and meet chicks the same night and come to (mumbles) I get nothing?" " [Bernard] Okay, so now you can see we're getting into this thing where we tell the story in flashback and pause it so you can hear us here at the bar talking things over." "And, if I'm also doing this voiceover narration it's gonna get really confusing so now I'm gonna leave you to watch the story." "But, I might be back at the end to explain things if you don't understand it all." " Oh see, that's even better." "Tell 'em how you met Angela and tell 'em about the contest and what that girl" " Maybe we shouldn't tell so many people about the contest, it kinda makes us look like total assholes." " Dude, what are you talking about man?" "It's Bernard and Leroy, they already think we're total assholes, come on tell 'em." " All right, so that night we were at Atomic Cowboy and I met this girl Angela who was just..." " [Victor] No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no." "It started off at we were at our apartment, so Mason and I are trying to come up with this idea for this competition." "This is so exciting, this has probably got to be the most genius thing we have ever come up with." "So, okay, what's on the list so far?" " Okay, African, Arab." " Yes." " [Mason] Asian." " Good." " Wait a minute, wait a minute we should put East Asians." " What do you mean?" "That's Asian." " No, cause Russia's in Asia." " Oh perfect, Russian, put Russian down." " No, no, no there's no race that's called Russian." "They're Caucasian." " All right, fine, fine, fine, fine put Caucasian down." " Isn't going to be pretty easy to find a white girl to sleep with us" " So what?" "Who cares?" "You know, that's the whole point you gotta complete the set." " Like Latino." " You mean Latina, oh Latina." " Yeah, whatever you fucking homophobe." " Indian, now Indian as in Ghandi, or Indian as in Geronimo?" " How about one of each?" " Yeah, I don't know man." "I mean I've seen girls from India in Saint Louis, but I've never seen any Native Americans." " So what?" "It'll make the game last longer." " No, it'll make it impossible to win." " â™"I don't want no 'tang that's hard to find â™"Don't want no tang that's hard to find" " Okay, fine, fine, fine, fine put Native American down, we'll see." " But, they gotta be over 50% none of this half and half shit, it doesn't count." "You can't go bang Maria and call that your fucking Latino girl." " They've gotta be like two thirds, or whatever, perfect, good." " How's somebody going to be two thirds one race and one third another you fucking dipshit?" " What do you mean how?" "What do you mean how?" "From like their...can I explain?" " [Mason] I'm sorry." " Okay, from like their grandparents or whatever." "If they got two grandparents that are..." "listen to me." "If they got two grandparents that are one race and they got another grandparent that's another race, okay, you're right it doesn't work." "It doesn't work." " [Victor] No, wait I've been thinking about this okay, so listen, so, if you go back to the grandparents' grandparents' grandparents-  [Mason] Listen idiot it doesn't work, there's no exponent" "of two that's also divisible by three." " [Victor] Okay, wow since I don't know what that means" "I'm just gonna assume I'm right." " Just making it a ketchup sandwich, or something." " This is your ketchup." "I can use this ketchup now?" " Guys, I think" " Wait, wait, wait, what's wrong?" "What's wrong?" " I think I have to go home?" " Wait why?" "Why, why, why, why, why?" "Don't leave." " My dick touched" " What?" " Oh man look, I just gotta go." " Whoa, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey." "What's going on, what's wrong?" " All right look, I was in the bathroom, all right." " Yeah." " And, I had to take a crap, okay so look, I cased the joint, I made sure nobody was in there." "I double papered the seat, I sat down on the toilet, dropped it between my legs and" " What?" " Well, the water must have been really high up in the toilet because my hang down touched the" " Huh?" " [Victor] I don't know." " Look, my dick touched the toilet water, dude." " Okay." " Okay, so." " So?" "Do you know how many people have taken a shit in that toilet?" " Oh actually, well no not off the top of my head." "I don't, sorry." "It's no big deal." " I had to clean my penis off in the sink." " Please tell me you locked the bathroom door first, Bernard." " Oh yeah, I wish I had." " Please tell me that someone in here didn't catch you with your penis in the bathroom sink." " No." " Oh, well then" " No, I was still applying the soap when they walked in." "(laughs)" "I gotta go." "(laughs)" " Ow." " I just don't understand why you always have to do that." " I mean I'm agreeing with you." "I guess I don't understand what the problem" " Well, you didn't even wait to hear what I was gonna say." " [Victor] Hey yo, fuck that." " Cool." " Do you want me to get you a drink?" " Sure." "(kiss)" " [Victor] Hey Denise, I'll take a Schlafly." " [Bernard] Oh, Glenmorangie, Denise." " What's up buddy?" "How's it going fellas?" "What's up, hey how's that new teaching job going?" " It's good." " You know, send Denise home, okay?" "Can we please let's just go on safari." " Safari?" "What's that?" " Bernard, tell him what safari is." " It's a perilous adventure through the concrete jungle hunting and capturing the elusive poonani beast." " Yes, come on it'll be like college." " He can't do that." " Yeah man, I don't think I could do that." " Yes, you can, Denise does whatever you say." "I mean, you could show up tomorrow morning with another girl's panties around your neck and you could just say, you know," ""Hey, don't worry about it."" "And, she'd be like, "Oh, okay yeah, I won't."" " [Mason] Dude, he can't do that." "It's against the rules, he's got a girlfriend." " So?" " So, I'll have to figure out a way around it." " A way around it?" " Yeah, yeah hold on." " Why are we even talking about this?" " Go break up with Denise and then come tag ass with us tonight and then tomorrow you can get back together with her." "It'll be great." " What?" " [Mason] You know she'll take you back." " No, why should he go through all of that?" " Because, then he's still a nice guy, unlike you." " No, that would make me a dick." " Oh, Jesus Christ why are you such a pussy?" " I gotta go guys, I'll see you later." " What's wrong with you?" " [Victor] Hey, hey man." "He's just upset that his johnson fell into another person's corn log water." " If you're broken up with Denise you're not cheating on her and you're not lying to the girl you're going to get with that night when she asks you if you have a girlfriend." " What?" " You can get your freak on without breaking any relationship rules." "I know girls that like to do dirty, kinky shit." "The other night this girl licked my asshole." " Oh, come on." "Why would I wanna do that?" " Give it a try, trust me you'll love it." " [Leroy] I'll just take your word for it." " Okay, all right, no that's great I'm gonna get another beer." " Wait, wait, total dick, fucking shit." " Man, those two." " Yeah, I know they can't help themselves." " You know what, screw this." "I'm gonna go," " Oh no, come on man, stick around." " You know, I got papers to grade." "Just tell them I left, all right?" " Dude, come on man." "That's not enough cash, man." "That's not gonna cover it, I'm just saying." " [Victor] Oh, boo fucking hoo, you shoulda stuck around." "The girl I was talking to had some cute friends, man." " [Bernard] Okay fine, what happened after I left?" " [Mason] So, Victor's trying to get on this Indian, you know, from like India chick and he's working on her for like an hour." " [victor] That is crazy." " I know." " Oh, oh, look who it is, Mason this is Jaamini" "Majaraja Perum." " Nice to meet you." " Hey, good pronunciation." " Thank you so much, darling." " Jaamini, nice." " Who's ready for shots?" " Oh, look who it is, Sarah Redcloud, meet my friend Victor and Jaamini." " [Victor] You know, I still don't believe that chick was Native American." " [Mason] God, you're a sore loser." " [Victor] Look, she didn't even look." "Okay fine, what tribe was she?" " [Mason] You know what, specifically she was Alaskan Inuit." "Like I was gonna ask her, Christ just give it up already." " Very nice to meet you guys, there are from Mason." " Thank you, Mason." " [Sarah] Cheers." " Cheers, thank you." " All right, I've gotta go to the bathroom." " Okay, okay." " I'm gonna go with you." " Okay, we'll be right back." " Okay, bye." "See you in a little bit." "I'm gonna what?" "Take her to my teepee, get up in her wigwam." " Wait, wait, wait, wait are you actually taking that contest seriously?" " You're obviously taking it seriously." " I totally forgot all about it, I mean, the only reason" "I was talking to that girl was because she's cool man." " So, you wanna forget about the contest 'cause you're striking out already." " Oh, are you kidding?" "I'm gonna nail her like a two by four." " Like a two by four?" " Yes." " [Mason] Sure." " You know what Mason, you know what I think you need to grow up." "I mean that contest was a little stupid and somewhat racist." " Racist?" "Nice, so what's my philosphy when it comes to women?" "They're all pink on the inside." " Oh, Jesus Christ I can't believe you just said that." "Look, I really don't care, okay?" "This place is kind of boring me, I think we should take off." "Let's go to Barnapoli, yes." " Oh, yeah that's a great idea so we can get there and you can bitch about how the whole place is full of gold diggers all the time." " Oh, I don't care there's going to be a ton of hot ass there, it'll be great." " There's two really nice girls here and I think it's just a foolish thing to do." " So, are you gonna come with or are you going to try and get with the Two Dogs Fucking, or whatever her name is?" " Oh, I'm gonna stay man." " All right, well I'm gonna have Leroy go with me." " Oh, what a combo." " You're gonna be left her alone." " Yeah, great." " [Victor] Good bye." " It's better that way." " [Victor] Have a good time." " So, where's your girl?" " I said I was hungry so she's off trying to find me some food." " Wow okay, listen you need to come have some fun with me, okay?" "Just leave her behind." "Just tell her you need a night out with the guys." " Dude, I'm not gonna go pick up" " Hey listen, listen no chasing women, all right?" "Just, we're gonna go out, drink heavily, just talk and shit." "Just you and me, come on." " All right, I'll go." "(kiss)" " [Mason] You actually believed this guy when he said he wanted to go out and not chase women?" " [Leroy] No, I'm not that stupid I knew what he was up to, I just I wanted a change of pace." " [Victor] Yeah, well it wound out working out for you, didn't it?" "So, fuck both you guys." " Lucky you met him, he's such a great guy." "And, nice to meet you Sarah - [Sarah] Nice to meet you." " Oh, curious what percent of Native American are you?" " Excuse me?" " Remember, it doesn't count unless she's over 50%." "Thems are the rules." "Take care, pleasure." " He's" " Fuck you." " What?" "Sarah, Sarah, Sarah, Sarah, Sarah, Sarah, Sarah, wait, wait, wait he's just joking." "He's a jokester, that's what he does." " You think I'm gonna trust you now?" " Can I do something for you just to get you to stay?" "Just anything, I don't care." " Yeah?" " What's on your top shelf?" " We've got some Hennessy XO Cognac." " I'll have that." "Pay her." " Thirty." " Okay." "What?" " Oh my god, I can't believe that." " Yeah, me neither." "What a bitch." " No, I can't believe you let yourself get played like that." " [Victor] So, what percent Japanese was she?" " [Mason] None, she's Korean asshole." " Maybe I deserved it." "You know what, can I get a Schlafly's and a pack of soft ones please?" "I'm Mason." " Angela." " Nice to meet you." "Would you ever do that to a guy if you got really pissed at him?" " No, I'd hit him up for an entire dinner, then walk out on him." " So, I'd be running kind of a big risk when I ask you out to dinner?" " Only if you pissed me off." " Do you wanna go out to dinner sometime?" " No." " [Mason] Why not?" " I don't date guys who smoke?" " I don't smoke, never did." " Okay listen, if I wind up talking with a girl in this place" " Dude, I thought you said you weren't gonna go on a hunt tonight?" " Well yeah man, I mean not on purpose, but the fact of the matter is, you know, even when I'm not looking for it hot pussy just tends to find me, so." " Oh, really?" " Yeah, it's a blessing and a curse." "Listen, girls always have friends so if I wind up with a girl who wants to get with me you gotta take care of her friend, okay?" " Yeah, sure I'll take care of her friend." " I mean, you know what I mean when I say like take care of her, right?" " Yeah, yeah I know buy her a drink, fucking talk to her all night long." " No, no man come on." " Dude, I have a girlfriend." " So what?" " Okay, so I have a girlfriend." " All right, listen if we end up taking these girls back to my place I can't get on my girl if her friend's just sitting there doing nothing, man." " Dude, I'm not gonna fuck the friend just" " Listen, listen, listen you don't have to fuck her, okay?" "Just mess around with her a little bit." " No." " All right, all right come on man, how 'bout you just go down on her, you know, you can do that." "Then she can suck you off, it'll be great." " You lunatic, you really think that's not cheating?" " Okay, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine." "If she doesn't make you blow your load then that's not cheating because you didn't get any sex out of it." " What?" " Mm-hmm, yeah." "It's great, just fucking munch on her box, enjoy yourself and when it's her turn to go down on you fucking fall asleep, or you know pretend like you can't get it up or something." " Dude, how is that not" " Hey, you're gonna at least finger bang someone in this fucking bar, okay?" "That's that." " All right, but I" " No, no, no, no." "No, don't try and haggle with me." "That's my final offer, let's do this, let's do this." " I'm a little mad at you right now." " Good." " I don't know maybe I could've learned to love rap if someone got me into, you know, but the only chicks" "I knew in highschool who listened to rap were these" "Barbie doll blondes who were all, "I listen to Ice-T" ""and I slept with a black guy once, that means I'm hard."" "(laughs)" " Hi." " Oh, hey sorry I was just gonna say" "I used to be really into rap, so." " Oh yeah, so you can help me out with that?" " Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah." "But, you know, I kinda got burned out on it." "Now, I just mostly listen to Sting." " [Mason] What a fucking bullshitter you are." "You hate Sting." " [Victor] Asshole, chicks dig Sting, so you tell them you like Sting so they'll like you." "Now, shut the fuck up I'm telling a story." " Ah, I love Sting." " [Victor] So, there you go dickhead." " Oh yeah, what else do you listen to?" " Just about anything, really." "But, right now I have a big collection of 80s music." " Great." " I like some reggae." "My dad used to play jazz so I listen to Coltrane sometimes." "I like just about any kind of music." "Well, except country." " Oh, that's cool." "I like blues, I like funk, I like some techno." " [Mason] Well, that one backfired on you, didn't it ass face?" " I think there's something to appreciate in every kind of music." "Except country, of course." " Of course." " [Bernard] Hey, what's wrong with country?" "(clears throat)" " I'm sorry, this is Lily." " Hi, I'm Victor." " Are you here by yourself, Victor?" " No, no I'm actually here with a buddy of mine, Leroy." "You might just getta bang out of him." " Oh my god, you're so completely fucked in your head." " Oh, okay you really think a comic book full of crude sketches about guys punching each other counts as art?" " Have you ever even seen Alex Ross' watercolor to Kingdom Come?" " I really wouldn't know who that is." " Yeah." "Or David Mack's mix media?" " [Victor] Oh my god, Leroy please, please tell me you did not talk to her about comic books the whole time." " [Leroy] You know, comic books are a great in to the ladies, my man." " [Victor] Oh shit, fine." "Go ahead." " Or Craig Thompson's brilliant brush work?" "Or the ridiculously complex graphic matches that Brian Bolland pulled off in The Killing Joke?" " Using an artist medium doesn't automatically makes someone an artist." " Okay, but when Lichtenstein borrows the asthetic of comic books for his pop art paintings then he counts as real artist?" " God no, no, no, no, no." "I hate all that neo-dotist crap in the contemporary museum." "And, that ass ugly Pulitzer building, ugh it's terrible." " You did not just say that." "The Pulitzer foundation building was designed by" "Tadao Ando." " So?" " So?" "Okay, so what if I told you that Caravaggio only painted realism because he had no sense of imagination?" " Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa easy there." " Ooh, oh, see wait a minute." " No, no, no Caravaggio's use of light it was..." "Hey, it was absolutely groundbreaking." "And you know what?" "I'm sorry but it took a whole lot more imagination than writing pow and" " Oh, nah wait now I don't know I think Caravaggio only used that intense lighting so he could leave half the canvas black." " What?" " Yeah, yeah, yeah I read that he thought that if he only had to paint half the picture he could crank out paintings faster and make more cash." "(laughs)" "Read it." " You read it?" "Okay, yeah now you're just messing with me." " Yeah, but we're starting to understand each other." " Yes, we're starting to understand each other." "And, I don't like it." " I've got a date with Crystal." " I assumed." " So, what's up with that Lily girl, man?" " I don't know I had fun arguing with her, but she's all uptight and snobby." " She's hot." " So?" " So, if I were you I'd plug her like a bathtub drain." " Okay dude, even if I didn't have a girlfriend, which I do," "I could never go out with a girl who's all rigid like that." "You know, I mean would you wanna go out with a girl who has to get out of the shower if she has to pee?" " Fuck no." " I know you don't get out of the shower if you have to pee." " Are you kidding?" "I mean sometimes I take a shit in the shower." " [Leroy] Dude, you brought your drink with you man." " You know, you are the best boyfriend a girl could ask for, you know that?" " Oh yeah?" " Yeah, flowers, romantic dinners almost every night, sex twice a night." " Isn't that what I'm supposed to do?" " Well yeah, but I mean after two years you think most guys kind of get comfortable and stop making the effort, but you're just the opposite." " I just want you to know I love you." " [Victor] Yeah, you love her so much you went home and banged her after meeting another girl out at a bar." " [Leroy] Look, it was a complicated situation, okay?" "Okay wait, fuck you, it was your idea." " So, what are we doing tomorrow?" " Oh Sean Murphy's doing a signing down at" "Star Clipper comics." "I'm gonna take some of his books down and get 'em signed." " [Victor] Oh good, more comic books so I guess that's just your go-to subject with the ladies." " [Leroy] Ladies like a man who likes comic books." "Certain ladies, ladies I like." " [Victor] Hold on, I just wanna take some notes here." " Okay, and I'll go?" " Well, do you really like comic books?" " Well yeah." " Which ones?" " I mean, you've turned me onto Powers," "Y:" "The Last Man, Invincible." " Yeah, I know those are the ones I like, but you might like some others that I don't." " Well, I don't know, I mean the ones you showed me are good." " Yeah, but well look around next time we're in Star Clipper and maybe you might find something I hadn't noticed and then we could show each other new stuff we found." " Well sure, I mean if you want me to do that" "I can do that." " It's not a matter of if I want you to or not." "I just thought you might actually like to find something that you like." " But, I like the ones that you showed me." " Okay, that's cool." " [Mason] Okay, so you didn't go out with Lily." " [Leroy] Well, that's not the end of this story." "After Victor took Crystal on a date-  [Victor] Yeah, yeah so I take her out and it's all this normal nice talk garbage." "And then, she goes, "You're treating me like a girl."" " Huh?" " Is this how you talk to your guy friends?" "Would you like to get to know me better?" " Yeah, of course." " All right, then let's talk." "Quit being so polite." " Wow, okay." "How old are you?" " 25." " How much do you weigh?" " Between 120 and 124 and three quarters, depends on the day." " Interesting." "What's your favorite position?" " [Leroy] And she said cowgirl, right?" " [Mason] I don't know, I bet she said missionary." " [Leroy] She said rum punch." " [Mason] I always thought she looked more like a doggy style girl to me." " [Leroy] Snotty princess." " [Victor] No." " [Leroy] Farmer's daughter?" " [Victor] No." " [Leroy] The Charlie Chaplin." " [Victor] Okay, just stop okay?" " [Bernard] Wait, what's cowgirl?" " [Victor] Just listen." " What's your favorite position?" " Making the guy call me Daddy while I strap-on fuck him in the ass." "If I really love a guy I might throw in a reach around for him." " You do that a lot?" " Yeah, with every guy I date." "You'll get your turn later tonight." " [Mason] That explains so much about your relationship." "(laughs)" " It doesn't seem like there's much in that position for you, though." " There is if we do it in front of a mirror so I can watch the look on his face when I jam it in with no lubrication." "(laughs)" " Oh man." " [Bernard] There's no way she said that." " [Victor] Leroy, am I lying?" " [Leroy] No Bernard, you didn't meet Crystal." " [Bernard] Okay, would you rather get caught being strap-on fucked in the ass-  [Victor] Oh fuck, can I just tell my fucking story?" " [Bernard] Okay, shit sorry go ahead." " Okay, so I am up in the stirrups waiting for my gynecologist." " Yeah so, and she keeps looking over at me, right?" "And, I'm trying to pretend like nothing's going on." " And, the nurse is all, "hmm"." "And I'm like, "What?"" " I'm squeezing as hard as I can, but the thing is every time the car hits a bump I'm positive I'm gonna completely crap my pants." " And, she just says, "Hang on a second," and she walks outta the room leaving me there in the stirrups with no clue what she saw that caused this big, "Hmm"." " The thing is up until now the date has just been going really well, and it's our second date and I'm sure she's expecting me to walk through her door and like kiss her goodnight, I don't know." " So, she's gone a good five minutes which seems like five hours because at this point I'm seriously sweating." " I'm thinking, okay, well if I don't kiss her goodnight she's gonna think I'm not interested, but if I do" "I mean I run the serious risk of taking a dump all over her doorstep." " And, when she comes back she's got another nurse with her and she just points between my spread out legs and says, "What do you think?"" " You know, so this is it's getting worse and worse." " And, I swear the other nurse just goes," ""Hmm" with the exact same expression on her face." " And, I'm thinking you know what, "Maybe if I get" ""to her place quick enough I might be able to hold it in" ""and walk her to her door."" " And, I am so upset by this point I'm like, I just yell" ""What the hell is it?"" " But, if not I'm gonna start peeing out my ass." "So, I'm just driving faster and faster." " And, both the nurses look up at me like they have no idea what I'm so agitated about and the first one just casually goes, "I think you might have Chlamydia," ""but don't worry about it."" " Until we're going at least a hundred miles an hour and I swear to god we're going well over 90 at this point." " Yeah, "Don't worry about it because it can't cause" ""death or sterility, the doctor will be with you" "" in a moment."" " And, she turns to me, she's like, "Yeah, could you" ""slow down, maybe?"" "And, I turn to her I'm like, "No."" " And, they walk out of the room and I'm just praying that the doctor's gonna come back in and say those stupid fucking cunt nurses have no clue what they're talking about." " And then, all of a sudden we hit this pothole and I make this sound like, "Oh, shit."" " But, another five minutes goes by, she still hasn't come in and I'm totally freaking out." " Oh no, and then there's this long silence." " Okay, then while I'm waiting I notice that they have those informational pamphlets on the wall." "So, I hop off the examination table, I go over to the wall" "I grab the one that's for Chlamydia." " Which would be awkward on any second date, but here it's worse because" " And, the first thing it says?" "May cause death or sterility." " I keep making these grunting noises and I can feel it starting to leak out." " It was fortunate that the nurses' diagnosis was wrong." " No joke, it started to leak out." " Unfortunate that it took about three days to get the test results back." " And I'm afraid it's gonna start getting smelly." " And, by that time I'd already kicked my boyfriend in the balls for giving me VD." " And, it just the worst experience." "Why am I telling you this story?" " He really didn't want to go out with me much after that." "(laughs)" " Wow, well remind me never to give you a venereal disease." " You'd be better off if you didn't." " Yeah, I don't know I just..." "I keep trying to get the spark back in the relationship and it's not working and I'm running out of ideas." " You think she's up for a threesome?" " You can make her wear costumes and wigs and shit like that, then you can pretend you're banging a whole bunch of different chicks." " Then, she puts her leg up in the air and you bend over backwards and put your dick between her tits." "Then, take an ice cube and you rub it on her taint in a counter-clockwise motion." "Make sure she's got a hand free to pull on your balls or it won't work right at all." " Oh, I gotta write this down." " Just fuck her more." " Okay." " Have sex with a guy once, you'll really learn to appreciate women more, trust me." " You have to make her feel really special, okay?" "'Cause it's small day to day things that creates a loving bond between two people." "It's that bond of love and trust that fills two hearts and makes them beat as one and creates a passion that'll last for all of eternity." "If you truly love her and you want to cherish her forever you'll always pay attention to the little things that add up to a lifetime of love." " [Leroy] Like what?" " Like, when she's about to come stick your finger in her ass." " Oh, 'kay, stick it right on in there, huh?" " [Bernard] Wait, does that really work?" " [Mason] Oh, totally, yeah but when you're doing it you gotta-  [Leroy] Look, that's not actually important to the story, okay?" " Okay, good yeah, no good anything else?" "(sentimental music)" "Hey." " Came up with a more convincing argument that comic books are real art?" " [Victor] Oh, please god Leroy tell me you did not start talking to her about comic books again." " Oh, that's what it is, from the bar." "Yeah, you looked familiar and I just couldn't place it." "No, I was just looking for some pieces for my place." " Oh really?" " Yeah, what a coincidence." " Yeah, 'cause Crystal told me that Victor was probing her for information about me a few days ago." " [Victor] Oh yeah, I was probing her all right." " [Leroy] Yeah, thanks for being subtle about that by the way, that was real smooth, smooth operator." " Victor said that?" " Yeah." " That silly kid." "(laughs)" "Yeah, I don't know I just thought it was cool that we had a real conversation, you know." "I don't know many people I can have real conversations with." "I just thought maybe you might wanna hang out or" " Are you asking me out?" "Don't you live with your fiance?" " Actually, we're not engaged." "I don't even know if we're gonna get engaged." "It's kind of complicated." " I don't think I could, I don't do that kinda stuff." " I know, I...this is not..." "I just..." "I know this looks bad, but" " But it's not like that, is that what you're gonna tell me?" " Would you believe me if I said I wasn't like that?" " No." "But, I might be willing to suspend judgment for a night." " [Victor] Dude, wait, wait she knew you had a girlfriend and she still went on a date with you?" "(laughs)" "You fucking stud." " Really?" " But, only one night." " You've got a deal, sister." "(laughs)" "How late of a night?" "Hey, we can talk about that later, okay." "I'm gonna go, and I'll see ya." " Why don't you look around?" " I'm gonna." " [Lily] Okay." " You look great today, by the way." "(laughs)" " Thank you." "(funky music)" " [Victor] Oh my god, you took a Japanese chick to a sushi restaurant." " [Mason] She's fucking Korean." " [Victor] So what, I mean those are hardly even different countries." " Is that okay?" " [Angela]" " Go ahead." " And then, there won't be any awkward moments." "I'll just talk the whole date it'll be great." " Okay yeah, come on." " But, I can't do that, can I?" " Do you feel like you need to be constantly witty and charming on a first date?" " No, I know whether or not I'm gonna get a second date is based entirely on my sexual performance." " Oh." " I should watch my mouth, I'm sorry." "You might take some of this crap I say seriously." " I've always thought people take sex far too seriously and not seriously enough at the same time." " What do you mean?" " Well, like this one time a few years ago on break from college a bunch of us got drunk and went skinny dipping in my friends mom's pool 'cause she was out of town." " There's this girl that I had a crush on so she transferred half way through freshmen year, so we talked for three solid years." "I have not had the balls to ask this girl out." " Well, it was all couples and it was pitch black so eventually everbody starts making out." " So, she ends up breaking up with her boyfriend at the time who graduated a year before." " And, probably doing some other stuff I didn't even want to know about." " So, now she's single in this big way and we just kinda fate has it we end up in the same group history project." " So, I'm naked with my legs wrapped around my boyfriend's waist, he was also naked and we're making out." " I plan it for a night that my parents are gonna be out of the house and I just kinda conveniently forgot to invite the other two people over." " I guess he starts thinking, "Hey, if everybody else" ""is doing it in the pool why not us too?"" " So, I have no plans to make a physical move on this girl." "I seriously was just gonna ask her to dinner, all gentlemen like." " Which, I thought was kind of presumptuous considering we'd only been going out for a couple weeks." " I get myself all pumped up for it." "I mean I'm determined I'm gonna ask her no matter what." " Well, he starts trying to angle it, but he's not having any success with it." " We started on this thing, this project and I say something stupid out of nervousness and she laughs." " He's moving his hips all around trying to get some distance between our bodies to get the right angle." " I'm like okay, this is it, this is it." "And, just as I get the words out, you know," ""Would you let me take you to dinner,"" "I hear the garage door open and it's my parents." " Meanwhile, I'm tightening up my legs to make sure that isn't going to happen." " I introduce everyone to everyone, no big deal." "My dad walks off, you know." " Look, as a girl if you called everything to a dead halt everytime a guy was trying to take off your clothes you'd get like two minutes of make out time in your whole life." " My mom decides to stick around and start talking to this girl." " We keep making out and at first he'd try to go for it then back off, then try again." " So,she kinda gives this girl a look and she says," ""Do you think it's normal for a 17 year old boy" ""not to be sexually active?"" " But, eventually we get to the point where both of our hips are just in constant movement." " "The fact that he's still a virgin doesn't bother me." ""What bothers me is that at his age, don't you think" ""he should at least be fooling around?" ""He's a good looking boy, don't you think?"" " And he's getting frustrated, which is making the making out less enjoyable, and I'm just getting really pissed." " And, this girl is just too stunned to speak." "She's literally just squirming in her chair." " And, all I can think is doesn't he get it by now?" " And, just when I think my mom's gonna stop." " And, I just get tot the point where I don't even wanna kiss him anymore." " Finally, she says, "Tell me doesn't your boyfriend" ""try to copulate with you?"" " And eventually I just yell, "I'm not going to fuck you."" " This girl she says, "Oh, I gotta go," you know and she takes her stuff and literally just sprints out the door." " Yeah well, by that point I'd kinda forgotten there were like six other people in the pool." " So, after that I was just like screw it, why take this stuff so seriously, you know?" "And, from that point on I just kinda do whatever I want, just refuse to put too much thought into it." " All the movement stops in the pool and everybody just starts laughing their asses off." "And, he get really embarassed and he broke up with me." " [Mason] Okay, she's not too uptight, but she's not too slutty either." "I dig it." " [Leroy] You know it's important to walk that line that fun in bed, but won't cheat on you." " [Victor] I always preferred it when girls cheated on me." " [Leroy] What?" "Why?" " [Victor] 'Cause then they can't bitch so much when you sleep with other women." "Keep 'em closed." " [Crystal] Come on." " Okay, open, open, open." " [Crystal] How and I gonna" " Here, look, look." "Look, I got you something really special." " Oh my god." "Vanilla rum, how did you even remember?" " Well" " I have never seen this anywhere other than the Carribean." "Where did you get it?" " I found a place across river that special ordered it." "And then, went over and picked it up." " You drove all the way to the east side just to get this for me?" " [Leroy] Well that and to get a lapdance at the Emerald." " [Victor] Hey, they got great lunch specials." "It's good food." " Well, you know I mean I'm there from time to time so." " Yeah, I bet you are." "My god." "I can't believe how sweet you are." "Do you wanna get drunk and do it?" " Yes." " [Bernard] Hmm, it's like another Victor, only with breasts." " [Victor] Oh, what could be better?" "(slow tempo music)" " You know, I don't want you to think I'm a certain way." " What?" "I don't, I do not." " I've only slept with one guy in my entire life." " [Victor] Bullshit." " [Mason] Shut up, asshole, she was telling the truth." " No way, come on one guy?" " I'm only 23." " Yeah, yeah, but one." " Yeah." " All right." "One guy?" "(laughs)" "Sorry." " [Victor] Oh Jesus, what the fuck?" " It's just the second date, you know?" " [Victor] And?" " I thought we had more than a two date connection going here." " Are you kidding?" "We have like 102 date vibe going here." "I just..." "I'm just..." "You know what it is?" "I'm just used to it kinda being the other way around, the whole who's trying to get into whose pants game." " [Victor] Hey, so consider yourself lucky, dickweed." " Yeah, me too." " It just kinda threw me." "Come here, I'm sorry." " [Victor] Oh, oh dude, you better fuck her." "Seriously man, you better fuck her." "Oh, Jesus Christ, you have got to fucking be kidding me." " I should go." " What?" "Mason, what the hell is the matter?" " [Victor] Yeah, what the hell is the matter?" " You know what, I don't know." "Maybe we're not entirely-  [Victor] Not entirely what?" "All right, she's an Asian chick with big titties, that never happens." "What entirely else do you need?" " What?" " I don't know okay?" "I don't know how I feel." "I'm sorry." " [Victor] I'm sorry my penis is chronically limp." " I'll call you or...bye." " [victor] Oh, that's it you're a homosexual." " [Mason] You know what, fuck you?" "Okay, maybe my interest in this girl went deeper than her vaginal cavity and I'm sorry you can't understand that." " [Victor] Hey, here's a concept maybe you can be in love with her and still sleep with her." "Hey buddy, let me tell you how a heterosexual handles this situation." "Whoa." " Yeah." " [Bernard] Stop liar, no woman actually likes it rough like that." " [Victor] Look, they all like it rough, all right?" "Some girls just don't know it yet." "Yes." "(laughs)" "(grunts)" "You're so..." "Hey, question where are all of your vibrators?" " They're in the repair shop, and I wear those things out." " I'm sure you do, but they didn't give you like loaner or anything?" " Uh-huh, they didn't have any in stock that met my sexual preference." " I'm sorry, so you have it all to lube this up right?" " Wait a minute, wait a minute." "You're not actually going to try and stick it in my butt are you?" " Oh god, of course not what are you kidding?" "You know, I heard that people tend to, well you're welcome like you people tend to make jokes when they can't" "admit to something, so in reality" "I think you actually want me to stick it in your butt." " [Bernard] You know, that's actually true." "It's a psychological phenomenon called-  [Mason] Victor, you're the one that keeps bringing it up." "I guess that means you want her to stick it in your butt." " [Victor] If you interrupt me one more time" "I'm gonna fucking smack you." " No." "(groans)" " [Mason] Did you stick it in her butt?" " [Victor] Totally." " [Bernard] Liar." " [Victor] Yeah, okay I'm lying." "(laughs)" " So, I was a figure skater in junior high." "I even did my own choreography." " Wow." " Yeah, so my parents finally thought that was what" "I was gonna settle into, but then I quit." " Why'd you quit?" " I don't know, I saw some people at the rink speed skating so I did that for a while." " And then, after that you took up painting?" " Well, after playing cello in the highschool orchestra and studying Brazilian Jiu Jitsu." " Oh my god." " Yeah, when I get interested in something" "I tend to jump in with both feet." " Yeah, apparently." "(laughs)" "So, how do you think the date's going so far?" " Well, I thought that this wasn't a date." " [Victor] Leroy, only you would be a big enough pussy to take a girl out to dinner and then tell her it's not a date." " [Leroy] Shut up, fuck face." " Right, right." "How do you think this-is-not-a-date is going?" "(laughs)" " I think it's going pretty well." "I caught myself trying to impress you once or twice, which is usually a good sign." " Well, if I don't try to impress you don't take that as a sign I don't like you." "I kicked myself of that habit a long time ago." "When I was in highschool I always thought the kids that were really funny were really well liked." " So, when you're in the sixth grade you're what, 12?" " Yeah, sounds right." " So, kids started experimenting with kissing and such." " So, I started trying to be funny and it kinda worked." " I don't really think that my hormones had kicked in because I really didn't like kissing the first boy that I kissed." " And then, I asked out this really pretty girl." " But, somewhere in my mind that I knew I was supposed to like kissing someone, so I started a little experimenting." " And, she said, "Okay."" " Yeah, it's not as pervy as you're probably thinking." "I was 12, it was just kissing." " So, you know, then I was all excited 'cause, you know, I thought was really going to have some friends and a girlfriend, and actually be happy." " Well, I kissed a boy with tongue, but I thought that was kinda gross." " So, before my date with this girl we had a field trip to the like science center." " Then, I kissed this foreign exchange student who really didn't speak any English." " And, a bunch of us, including this girl, are running around and we're just, you know, yukking it up and having fun." " Then, I kissed a girl." " You see these guys they're like making a big, fake dinosaur skeleton." " It wasn't too long after that that my guidance counselor had a meeting with my mother who just absolutely lost it." " And so, I run up to them and I start pretending that I'm mentally, well retarded." " I remember I was sitting outside the office and I knew what they were talking about, but I couldn't actually hear anything." " So, I'm like walking funny and drooling on myself." "And I've got my hand up like this, like I've got some sort of palsy or something." " Until my mother starts shouting," ""Oh no, oh no, oh no."" " And, I start going, "How do you do that?"" "(laughs)" ""How do you do that?"" " Yeah, I'm pretty sure that the last one was the girl." " [Leroy] The girl, right." " Yeah." "(laughs)" " And, my new friends are like dying." "They're about to pee themselves they're laughing so hard." " So, my mother she comes bursting out of the office and she grabs me by the hand without even looking me in the eye and throws me in the back of the car." " And, I look back and the girl's not there." " She's driving down the road like this maniac holding this business card." " I'm so bummed because like everyone thought" "I was so funny and she missed it." " And, we pull up to this building and then next thing" "I know I'm in a psychiatrist's office." " Then, someone says that they saw her off crying somewhere." " My mother was so convinced that I was completely warped and if she didn't intervene I was gonna become like a bisexual, nympho prostitute, you know." " [Leroy] My god." "Yeah, and so I guess she caught the first half of the bit, but then she ran off." " So, everytime she'd take me in to see this guy this doctor just kept badgering me and asking me if I knew that what I'd done was wrong." " It turns out that like when she was a kid she had a hearing problem, but that the doctor diagnosed her as retarded." " I just sat there with my arms crossed and I refused to answer 'cause, you know, I didn't think that" "I'd done anything wrong." " So, I don't know I guess her dad distanced himself from her and the whole thing really scarred her." "She didn't think my joke was so funny." " And then, you know, finally one day I was just fed up with the whole thing so when he asked me what was the right way to kiss someone" "I said, "One boy that you're in love with."" " And, she didn't want to date me after that." " And, then when he told that to my mother she almost collapsed from the release of tension she was so relieved." "(laughs)" " And, all those people that were laughing so hard were friends with her longer than me, you know, so they all kinda gave me the boot." " Yeah, she took me home and no aspect of any of it was ever mentioned by my family again." " And, the only reason I did it in the first place is 'cause I wanted them to like me." " [Bernard] I dunno if I woulda told that story on a first date." " So, were you out with that Angela chick last night?" " No, man no actually I wasn't." "After the first date, you know, she started to get all weird on me so..." " [Victor] Yeah, she wanted to have sex with you." "That's just bizarre." " I don't know, I mean I really dig her, man." "Honestly, I think she's really cool, but I just don't know." "Something, you know." " So, who were you out with then?" " Just his girl I seriously doubt I'll ever see her again." " Why not?" " I don't know, so we go back to her house, thanks, after the first date and, you know, I'm about to like go down on her." " [Leroy] Wait, you thought it was too soon to sleep with Angela after two dates, but this other girl you'll nail after one date?" " [Mason] Yeah, but the other girl was a slut." "you can do whatever you want with a chick like that." "It doesn't matter." " And, there's just something there that, I don't know, kinda stopped me, I couldn't go through with it." " Okay, what was so off that it stopped you from hitting it?" " Well, first off it was shaved." " So, you never boffed a baldie before?" "Come on, man." " It was shaved so you could see the tattoo." " Oh, a tattoo." " Yeah." " Okay, what was it a picture of?" " Nothing, nothing." " I mean man, it had to be something." " Just two words, that was it." " [victor] Okay, what did it say?" " Joe's box." " Joe's box?" " Simple block letters, you know J-O-E apostrophe S next line box, B-O-X." "Joe's box, Joe's box." " Who the fuck's Joe?" " I dunno, do you know him 'cause I don't." " What I'm saying is like why the hell is his name tattooed on her..." " Well, it was probably from an ex-boyfriend." " Why would she get her ex-boyfriend's name tattooed on her pussy?" " Because they were probably going out at the time." " Right." " Yeah, so after that, you know, it just kinda killed the moment for me." " Man, what's wrong with you?" "Okay, a hottie's going to let you get all up inside her you can't let a little thing like a tattoo claim vaginal ownership, stop it." "You gotta get it up, stick it in, work it and fucking own it, man." " I can't own it, Vic." " Why not?" " Because it's Joe's box." " Man, the Mason I know and love would have hit that and made her call him Joe." "All right, what's with you man?" " Nothing." " [Victor] That's bullshit man, I didn't keep calling" "Crystal, I called her like once." " [Mason] Please, dude, you called her like four times just while we were at the bar." " [Victor] Oh Jesus, that's amazing." "You know what, you're like stoned and retarded at the same time." " [Mason] No, you just didn't want to admit you were lodged entirely up her ass and couldn't crawl out." " [Victor] Oh, okay, okay, yup that's it." "(smack)" " [Mason] Ow, fucking (smack)" " [Victor] Oh, I'm gonna bitch slap you 'till you fucking cry." "(smack)" " [Mason] Stop it." "(smack)" " [Victor] Ouch." "(smack)" " [Mason] Fuck you." "(smacks)" " [Leroy] Hey, watch it." "(liquid pouring)" "Okay, you two pansies own me another drink." " [Bernard] This better not stain." " God, you see it went straight to her voicemail, again." " So, leave a message." " Does she think she can play a player?" " Maybe she just" " I mean she liked me, I know she did." "I mean, don't you think she liked me?" " Vic, I just met her that one time." " I mean if she liked me why would she go out with another guy, it just doesn't make sense, man." " Oh dude, just because her cellphone's turned off" " Does she think I'm stupid?" "Huh?" "I fucking invented that trick, bitch." " Well, rockabilly." "Some folk music, Cat Stevens and such." "Oh, I love that old sixties Jamaican Ska." " Oh cool, that's cool." " I don't know I like just about any type of music." "Well, except for country." " Well, yeah of course." " [Bernard] Seriously, I'd like to know what's wrong with country." " Well, here we are back where we started." " Yep." " [Victor] Yes!" " I got no idea what to do next." " What would you like to do?" " Come upstairs with you." " [Mason] Oh, that's it you just blew it." " [Victor] Oh no man, okay she gave him an opening, all right he had to try and get in there." "No hey, you made the right call, buddy." "But, next time say it like a man." " Nice try big guy, I gave you a date that's all you're gonna get until you break up with your fiance." " I'm not engaged." " Whatever, you're involved." " [Victor] Yeah, this is where you whip out your cell phone and start dialing." ""Hey Denise, listen so I met a hot redhead." ""Yeah, uh-huh we're done, okay."" "Come on man, things like this are the whole reason they invented cell phones in the first place." " I just want to show you something I've been working on." " Working on?" " Yeah, I'm creating a new style of architecture." " [Victor] Oh Christ, you are killing me." " [Mason] It's better than comic books, right?" " [Victor] I guess." " You're kidding." " Uh-uh, and I brought my blueprints, they're in my car." "And, I've never showed them to anyone before." " [Mason] Wait, you brought blueprints?" " You brought blueprints?" " Yeah." "(laughs)" "'Cause, I knew we'd click, I knew it." "And, I knew when we did I'd want to show 'em to you, so..." "I don't know, you're artistic so I think you'll understand it." " Okay." " Yeah?" " [Lily] Yeah." " Okay cool, you hang on I'm gonna go get 'em." " Okay." " [Leroy] Okay, excellent." " [Leroy] Oh well looky there guys, she's wants to see my blueprints." " [Victor] Wow, then I take it all back, you're comic book and blueprints panty removal scheme is brilliant." " [Mason] You had it planned like that from the beginning, didn't you buddy?" " [Bernard] I guess we all failed to see the subtle workings of an evil genius." " [Leroy] Shut up you dickheads." " Okay, so my original concept was to create a new style of architecture that would be geometric bordering on organic." "Okay, for which I was using early Distill paintings as inspiration." " Okay." " Cool, okay so but everything I was coming up with was looking a lot like Gehry's Guggenheim in Bilbao, which is super cool but it wouldn't be my own style." "So, I started thinking" " Wait, wait I'm sorry are you saying that you're trying to create a new style of architecture?" " Yeah, that's what I'm saying." " Oh, I thought you meant that you were experimenting." "You know, following a train of thought and you stumbled across something unique." " What does it matter?" " Well, it matters because doing like this is well, it's artificial." " [Bernard] Oh shit, I know what happens next." " [Victor] Okay, you're in her apartment man, you're about to seal the deal." "All right, keep your eyes on the prize." " Huh, you know what I don't wanna show you my blueprints anymore." " [Mason] Oh shit, I knew it." "Couldn't stop yourself could you?" " [Bernard] Mister hypersensitive, just like eighth grade." " Oh, no, no, no don't be like that." " No, you're saying my architecture's bad, you haven't even seen it." " No, I'm not saying your work is bad." "I'm stating an intellectual opinion about your theory." "Look, maybe I'll like the designs." " No, you may not see my blueprints." "I can't even believe i thought you were open minded enough to understand it." " All right, yeah you know what fine." "Why don't you show them to your girlfriend?" "I'm sure she'll tell you they're the greatest thing she's ever seen." " Yeah, I'm gonna." " Well do that." " Great, I bet she's gonna love 'em." "(clatter and thud)" " [Bernard] You're kind of a baby, aren't you?" " [Leroy] Yeah, pretty much, yes." "Yes, I am." " [Bernard] Wait, you didn't break up with Denise, did you?" " [Leroy] You know, I walked home thinking" ""I got it good with Denise." ""I'm going back to her where I was happy."" " [Bernard] But, you weren't happy." " [Leroy] Nope." " [Bernard] So, you broke up with her." " [Leroy] Yep." " [Bernard] How'd she take it?" " For the last two years, two months, and 11 days" "I've done everything for you and yeah, you know what, that includes counting the days we've been together." "Because, that's how much this relationship means to me." "I've hung out with your stupid, asshole fucking friends." "I've watched football with you on Sunday, and I even pretended to give a shit every time you got an autograph from some bald comic book writer in Cleveland." "I mean, I listen to you go on and on and on about your creative vision and I even let you do whatever you want in bed, even when it got weird." "I mean, sticking your finger in my ass?" "What was that about?" "You know what?" "You couldn't appreciate me, fine, fine, just get out." "Just get out, all right." "I mean really, here take your jacket, your guitar." "Don't forget your picture of your asshole friends in Vegas, take that, your Frank Lloyd Wright book." " Okay easy, okay, all right, all right." "Are you gonna be-- (door slams)" "You know, by the way it was your sister who told me to stick my finger in your ass." "Evening, Ross." "Lovely day." " [Victor] So, hey could you hook me up with" "Denise's sister?" " Sorry, we're closing." " Hi." " What were you freaking out about?" " [Victor] I can't wait to hear this." " [Mason] Well, shut the fuck up and listen then." " I don't know." "I mean honestly, maybe I was just scared of ruining things by moving too fast, you know?" " And, you thought by humiliating me it was a good way to avoid ruining things?" " I never said I was that smart, so." "(laughs)" " You're not gay, are you?" " [Victor] Yes!" " Well," "You know the Too Skinny Jeds are coming to town, you wanna go?" " Is that a band?" " Yeah, yeah, yeah they mix up a bunch of sounds, rap most of their lyrics." "It's kinda like this kickass blend of" " Why should I go on another date with you?" " Because I'm crazy about you." " [Leroy] Good answer." " I mean, how many times are you gonna find a 102 date connection after just two dates?" " It is gonna be like 102 dates before you get laid." " Oh, I think I'm okay with that." " [Victor] Hey listen, don't worry about it." "All right, you know what I prefer men anyway." " Yeah, okay I'll go." " [Mason] Yeah?" " You don't have to sell me, I'll go see any live show." " All right, awesome." " Well, except country." " Right, I understand that 'cause country blows, you know." " [Bernard] I like country music." " Victor, move those pallets over there." " Got it, Mister Gallagher." " Psst." " Yeah." " Wow, yeah that's all I get is yeah?" " Hey, what do you want me to say?" " Why don't you just say what's what?" "I mean why don't you just say now that I've slept with you a couple of times you're blowing me off." " Okay, isn't that what you should be saying to me?" " Why?" "Because I'm sitting at home like an idiot all weekend waiting for you to call me, that's me blowing you off, right?" " Right, okay just how stupid do you think I am?" "You think I don't know you were out with another guy?" "Please." " What?" "Who told you that?" " Nobody had to tell me that." "I mean, I called your cell phone what a dozen times this weekend and each time I called it went straight to your voicemail which means you turned off your phone." " [Bernard] Yikes, you're paranoid." " [Victor] Hey, look." " [Leroy] Yeah mean, if you're gonna get all neurotic like that you should learn to hide it better." " [Victor] Fuck you, Leroy, you're like the fucking king of neurotic." " [Leroy] I know man, I'm delivering wisdom to you from a place of experience." " [Victor] Wait, wait, wait this totally wasn't my fault all right, just shut up and listen." " No I didn't." "I didn't turn off my phone once all weekend." "Not even when I was sleeping." " Bullshit, okay so why didn't you pick up my calls?" " You never called." " [Victor] I never called?" " Yeah, you never called me." " I actually think you're the last person here." "Your voicemail." " Oh shit." "I don't know what happened, my phone must be broken." " [Victor] See, there you go." "Not my fault." " I'm sorry, I'm sorry." " Okay, so you weren't out with anybody?" " Okay, you know what you can apologize to me too." " For what?" " For accusing me of cheating on you." "I don't think I've done anything to deserve that." " Hey, you're right, you're right." "I'm sorry, hey, I'm sorry." "I'm sorry, I did not mean for this whole, fuck it." "Can we just forget this whole stupid phone thing happened?" "Please, I'm sorry I'm an idiot." "You're adorable." "(kiss)" "Yeah." " Look at that." "You just got through our first big fight." " Oh, yes." " You know this relationship is showing a lot of promise." " So, because of that do you think maybe I could stick it in your bum now?" " [Crystal] Shh, shh, shh." " I mean, not now, you know, eventually." "(laughs)" " Now that we're getting so close to one another," " Yes, yes." " there's not a fucking chance of that happening." "(sentimental music)" "(phone tones)" " [Lily] Hello?" " Lilly, hi it's Leroy." " Leroy, I'm not gonna let you" " I broke up with her." "I spent the day looking for apartments and I just put down a first month's rent on one." "(buzzer)" " Well, now that's different." " Will you just forgive me for that tantrum?" " [Mason] Tell her if she says yes you'll take her to her to a comic book convention." "That should close the deal." " It depends on how expensive dinner is tonight." "(laughs)" " I got plans to make." "I'll pick you up at seven." " You got it." " Awesome." "(giggles)" "(kisses)" " I'm going." " [Lily] Okay, go." "(mumbles and giggles)" "("All My Life" by DJ Harry)" "â™"I got fabric from my mother â™"And, I got fabric from my friend â™"I got fabric from my lover" "â™"It will take it to the end â™"I got fabric from my mother" "â™"And, I got fabric from my friend â™"I got fabric from my lover" "â™"It will take it to the end â™"If it's down there in my soul â™"Doubts they wander, push, and pull â™"I am waiting for the role" "â™"If it's down there in my soul â™"It's just right" "â™"Take flight â™"Might be waiting all my life" "â™"All my life" "â™"All my life" " [Bernard] I know, I know a musical montage." "It's pretty cliche but this is romantic comedy so what are you gonna do?" "What you need to know is everybody's happy, everbody's going on dates, everybody's falling in love." "I'm between girlfriend's right now." "Look boys, and they all lived happily ever after." " [Mason] Once upon a..." " [Victor] Oh." "I doubt that." " Why not?" " Oh, so what do you think?" " You know, I don't know." "I don't really know much about art, so." " I don't either." " But, it's cool how he tends to use one color that kind of pops out." " [Crystal] Jonathan." " Hey Crystal." " [Victor] Oh this fucking guy, okay Jesus, what a tool." "He was fucking all over Crystal." " What are you up too?" " Nothing really, just stopped by because someone said they had free booze here, so." " Hey, Victor." "Crystal's boyfriend." " [Crystal] I'm so sorry." "Victor, this is Jonathan." "He and I we went to school together." " Good to meet you Victor." " Oh yeah." " You know what, Victor's friend Leroy he's here." "He's an architect too, you guys should talk." " Definitely." " Hey, do you wanna get a drink?" " Yeah, can you grab me a glass of red wine?" "Thank you." " [Victor] I mean, you see how she's trying to blow me off here, huh?" "Yeah, could it be more obvious she totally wanted to just bang this guy?" " You saw (mumbles) okay?" " I mean, what do you think of this one?" " I don't know I'm not able to think of anything other than getting you back in bed." " [Leroy] Hey, what'd she say?" " [Mason] I don't know, it was in Korean." " [Leroy] Oh, come on you gotta tell us." " [Victor] No, no she said, "I wanna fuck your friend Victor" ""'cause unlike you he's a real man who likes boobies."" " [Mason] She said all my friends are gossipy sewing circle bitches, okay?" "Can we move the fuck on already?" " Why don't we just catch up with our friends first, that might be an idea." " Sorry, I thought the constant sex phase of the relationship was supposed to last more than two days." " I just don't understand what's wrong with it." " Nothing." " Then, why don't you like it?" " I think that you should wear whatever you want and not be so worried that I absolutely adore your shirt." " Well, it's your opening, so I thought you'd want your boyfriend to look nice for it." "I'm just trying to make you happy." " [Mason] Holy shit, did you go from the butch to the bitch in like two seconds flat." " You know what, fuck it if I'm bringing her wine." " Hey, hey, hey I'm in heels here." " Oh, I'm sorry." " You know what, you've been acting like an ass all night." "Maybe you need some alone time." " Oh, really?" "And, where are you going?" " Jane and Rashida said they were going to Luna," "I think I'm going to meet up with them." " Yeah, sure you are." " You can call me tomorrow." " You wanna play like that." "Okay, okay." " Do you wanna go to Luna?" " I don't think so." " Why do you wanna go there so badly?" "I like this place." " Yeah, and tomorrow they'd find me dead in a ditch." " Are you retarded?" " How big is your cock?" " I don't know you." " I don't wanna know you." " Do I look stupid?" " Go to hell." " Suck my dick." " What?" " Do you wanna go to Luna?" " What?" " Drive dollar big price car?" " Huh?" " American drive dollar big price car." " What, oh yes, yeah some American's do." "I drive a Ford, no but you know, that's just until my Ferrari comes in, obviously." " Ferrari?" " Yeah, I actually just inherited the biggest fruit and produce distributer in the Mid-west." "So, I figured, hey why not splurge." " Inherit?" " Yeah." " Buy Zivanka drink hunky hunk." " Huh?" "Yes, yes how 'bout I get you a drink over at Luna?" "That place is so much better than here, let's go." "Yes?" " Must buy drink first, then marriage." " What?" "Okay, yes drink okay, other bar." "Drink, at the other bar yes?" "Yes?" "Yes?" "Yes?" "Yes." " What's the matter?" " Could you, do you think maybe we could just, or you could take a shower." " Oh, you wanna take a shower, okay I'm game." " No, no, no I was thinking like, you know, you could take a shower." "Like, to get clean." " I took a shower before we left." " Yeah, but..." " I'm not clean now?" " Look Leroy, you're not the only one in this relationship." " Oh really, gee I didn't notice." " You know what?" "Sometimes I wonder." " You know, with all the shit you give me" "I wonder why I'm in this relationship." " Whoa wait, all the shit I give you?" " Yeah." " On extremely rare occasion I ask you really, really nicely to think about me from time to time." " Oh yeah?" " Yeah, you know what, I say, "Hey, Leroy since you worked" ""70 hours last week and I didn't get to see you" ""maybe we could go out for dinner" ""instead of playing video games all fucking night."" " Okay, wait a minute." "I have to work to advance in my" " I never argued that." " Do you realize how little - [Lily] I never asked you to work less hours." " [Leroy] money lower architects make, and then at the end of a long work day" "I wanna come home and relax." " Well, having a drink with me at a restaurant should be relaxing." " You know what, you don't get it, you have no idea." "You've never worked to have to advance in anything in your life." "You just go around being all good at everything you do." "And now, you make me feel guilty because I have to work." "No, just you know what, this isn't working." "This isn't working, this relationship is not what I wanted it to be." "It just feels so fucked up about it all the time." "(sentimental music)" "I'm sorry." " I know, shh." "(sentimental music)" " [Bernard] So that's it?" " [Leroy] Yep, that's it." " [Bernard] I don't get it." " [Leroy] I don't know man, I just really like her." "And, I realized it was all worth it." " [Bernard] Leroy, welcome to manhood." " [Mason] Yeah, I got a question." " [Bernard] You know actually, I'm getting a little misty." " [Mason] What's wrong with playing video games all fucking night?" "(dance music)" " Buy Zivanka diamonds now?" " Yeah, yeah, yeah why don't we just start with some drinks first, okay." " All right, I'll be back in a sec." "Can you watch this?" " You're a doll." " Victor." " Oh, hey Crystal wow, I totally forgot you were gonna be here tonight." "What a coincidence." " No bang, bang honeymoon till diamond." " Yes." " What the fuck are you doing?" " I'm grabbing a drink, same as you." " Three carat." " Three carats." " Who is this girl?" " She's" " Mister hunky inherit dollar." " Okay, okay." "Hey, why don't you go get us some drinks, okay?" "Thank you." "God, she's so cool, you know." "And, such a sweetheart, I just love hanging out with her, you know?" " [Zivanka] Not platinum card?" " Hey, it's a blue card that's higher than platinum." " What are you doing?" " What?" " What are you doing with her?" " Oh, oh come on we both know we're seeing other people." " Oh, we do?" " Well yeah, I mean, you know, it was fun playing the whole, "I love you" game, but come on it gets old after a while." " Why are you trying to be an asshole?" " I'm not, I'm just being me." " Okay, by showing up to a place you know I'm going to be at with some bimbo you just met tonight?" " Hey, hey I didn't just meet her tonight, okay." "Honey, whenever I'm not with you I'm drilling that girl like a piece of, you know, flat metal that I'm drill a rivet" " Stop, stop." " I do." " This is all the respect you have for me?" " Yeah." "(thud and grunt)" " [Bernard] And, that was the end of Crystal?" " [Victor] Yeah, that's what I get for falling for a girl like that, a punch in the nose." " [Bernard] You didn't try to apologize or anything?" " [Victor] Apologize?" "Okay, she was probably off banging that guy from college." "Okay, why should I apologize to her?" " [Leroy] Okay wait, wait a minute she actually took a shower?" " [Mason] Yeah." " [Victor] And, you didn't get in there with her." " Hey Angela, have you ever been tested?" " [Angela] Tested?" " Yeah, you know what I mean." " [Angela] Never thought I had a reason to." " What do you mean?" "Everybody needs to." " [Angela] I've only been with one guy, and he was a virgin too." " Yeah, he also could have been a liar." " I really don't think" " He could have been with like a hundred women." "You could have all sorts of like funk and viruses and mitochondria and" " What are you talking about?" " [Leroy] Yeah, what are you talking about?" " [Mason] I don't know." "I was just trying to..." "I don't know." " [Bernard] You know, mitochondria don't carry diseases, per se." "And anyway, they're not contagious." " I knew the guy for like" " Yeah, and then wait then there were the other guys." "I mean, how many were there?" " I told you that he was the only" " Yeah, he's the only guy you had sexual intercourse with." "That means you did other stuff with other guys." " Yeah, some fooling around, but not much." " I'm sorry, I can't have sex with you tonight without a condom." " You didn't think you needed a condom the first time we slept together." " Oh fuck." " What?" " I have to go to a clinic right now." " [Leroy] What?" " What?" "What the hell is wrong with you?" " [Bernard] No seriously, what the hell is wrong with you?" " It's just a bad idea, I mean this whole thing is just a bad idea." " This whole thing, like sleeping with me or even going out with me in the first place?" "You know what?" "This was a bad idea, you should go." " Okay." " [Leroy] Wow, I...man I don't even know what to say." "I thought I had issues, but man you have serious issues." " [Mason] Yeah, I'm starting to think so." " [Leroy] Man, you need serious help." "I'm not just saying that, like you really do need help." " [Victor] Okay look, if you're turning gay you can't be in the bathroom shaving when I'm in the shower anymore." " [Bernard] So, did you actually go to a clinic?" " Of course not." " Did you get back together with Angela?" " Yeah, I called and left a message, you know?" "More than once, but she never called me back, so." " [Bernard] So, that's it." "Leroy figured it out and got the girl." "Victor didn't figure it out and lost the girl." "Mason is finally starting to clue in, so maybe there's hope for him yet." "I know, I know there's no deep lessons to be learned here, just three guys, well four guys, trying to figure out their own shit." "What else do you want, iambic pentameter and literary allusions to the Canterbury tales?" " [Voiceover] Bar's closed, get the fuck out." " Oh, oh." " All right, fellas." " Let's go, dudes." " Wait, well I mean, hey." "The bars are still open on the east side." " No man, I'm going over to Lily's." " Dude, I gotta give a final tomorrow." " You'll come with me Mason, right come on." " Yeah, guess what, I'm not really in the mood." " No, I'm gonna go hit on the bartender over at Emerald." " Oh, is she cute, is she cute?" " Yeah, she's really cute I'm gonna click her like a ball point pen, let's do this." " [Bernard] What the hell does that even mean?" " Don't, 'cause it always means the same thing." "â™"Doctor please â™"Bring me anesthesia" "â™"Three more of these â™"I won't have to eat" "â™"I'll say goodnight" "â™"I'll say goodnight" "â™"Shut your mouth â™"Try to keep your composure" "â™"Play along â™"Just like no one knows" "â™"Just say goodnight" "â™"Just say goodnight" "â™"Got so much time these days â™"Like I've got nothing else" "â™"With all my time these days â™"I just keep to myself" "â™"So much fun â™"I can't seem to deny me" "â™"Christmas time â™"It's the Fourth of July" "â™"Please say goodnight" "â™"Please say goodnight" "â™"Goodnight" "â™"Goodnight" "â™"Goodnight" "â™"Goodnight" "â™"Goodnight" "â™"Goodnight" "(Board claps)" " Mark." "(gum snapping)" " So, hey, you know, do you wanna go to maybe the Pepper Lounge with me?" " Do you know Lydia's philosophy?" " What's that?" " I don't go no where 'till I'm paid for." "(laughs)" " [Voiceover] Okay, cut."