" Aah!" " Aah!" " Aah!" "May I cut in?" "You all right?" "Oh, thanks to you." "You hurt your hand!" "Will you still be able to..." "Finish my solo and kiss you like you've never been kissed before?" "Aah!" "You're drooling." "Xander!" "You've got a little..." "Teacher:" "Their ancestors were here long before we were, their progeny will be here long after we are gone... the simple and ubiquitous ant." "Now..." "if you read the homework, you should know the 2 ways that ants communicate." "Miss Summers." "Ways that ants communicate." "Mm-hmm." "With other ants." "From the homework." "Ants are communicating..." "Um, uh... uh..." " Touch..." " Mm-hmm." "And... um..." "B.O.?" "Thank God someone finally found the courage to mention that." "That would be touch and smell, Miss Summers." "Is there anything else Miss Rosenberg would like to tell you?" "All right, chapters 6 through 8 by tomorrow, people." "Can I see you for a moment?" "I gather you had a few problems at your last school?" "Well, what teenager doesn't?" "Cut school, get in fights, burn down the gymnasium?" "Principal Flutie showed me your permanent record." "Well, that fire?" "There was major extenuating circumstances." "Actually, it's kind of funny." "Can't wait to see what you're going to do here." "" Destructive girl"..." "that's me." "But I suspect it's going to be great." "You mean "great" in a bad way." "You have a first-rate mind, and you can think on your feet." "Imagine what you could accomplish if you actually did the..." "The homework thing." "The homework thing." "I understand you probably have a good excuse for not doing it." "Amazingly enough, I don't care." "I know you can excel in this class, and so I expect no less." "Is that clear?" "Yeah." "Sorry." "Don't be sorry." "Be smart." "And please don't listen to the principal or anyone else's negative opinion about you." "Let's make them eat that permanent record." "What do you say?" "OK." "Thanks." "Chapters 6 through 8." "Aah!" "Unh!" "" The first date's the worst date "" "" It's hard to know just what to do "" "" I take you to dinner, you don't eat "" "" You just play with your food "" "" And there's something familiar "" "" That in words you say "" "" It's hard to believe "" "" It's happened again "" "" I already met you "" "" I already met you..."" "7 including Cheryl." "I tell you, though, her sister was looking to make it 8." "Ooh." "Cheryl's sister?" "The one in college?" "Home for the holidays and looking for love." "She's not my type, though." "Girls really got to have something to go with me." "Something like a lobotomy?" "Xander, how many times you scored?" "Well, uh..." "It's just a question." "Are we talking today or the whole week?" "Ooh, duty calls." "Babes!" "What are you doing?" "Work with me here." "Blayne had the nerve to question my manliness." "I'm just going to give him a visual." "We'll show him." "I don't believe it." "I know, and after all my conquests..." "Who's that?" "That must be Angel." "I think." "That weird guy that warned her about all the vampires?" "That's him, I'll bet you." "Well, he's buff." "She never said anything about him being buff." "You think he's buff?" "He's a very attractive man." "How come that never came up?" "Well, look who's here." "Hi." "I'd say it's nice to see you, but then we both know that's a big fib." "I won't be long." "No." "You'll just give a cryptic warning about some exciting new catastrophe and then disappear into the night, right?" "You're cold." "You can take it." "I mean you look cold." "Oh, right." "Give her your jacket." "It's a balmy night." "No one needs to be trading clothing out there." "It's a little big on me." "What happened?" "I didn't pay attention." "To somebody with a big fork?" "He's coming." "The fork guy?" "Don't let him corner you." "Don't give him a moment's mercy." "He'll rip your throat out." "OK." "I'll give you improved marks for that one." "Ripping a throat out, it's a strong visual." "It's not cryptic." "I have to go." "Sweet dreams to you, too." "That's all he said?" "" Fork guy"?" "That's all cryptic guy said..." ""fork guy."" "I think there are too many guys in your life." "I'll see what I can find out." "God, every day here is the same." "Bright, sunny, beautiful..." "However can we escape this torment?" "Really." "Morning." "Morning." "Guess what I just heard in the office." "No Dr. Gregory today, ergo those of us who blew off our science homework aren't as dumb as we look." "What happened, is he sick?" "They didn't say anything about sick, something about missing." "He's missing?" "Well, let me think." "The cheerleaders were modeling their new short skirts." "That kind of got..." "Yeah, yeah, they said missing." "Which is bad?" "If something's wrong, yeah." "He's one of the only teachers that doesn't think Buffy's a felon." "I'm really sorry." "I'm sure he'll..." "I, uh... oh, yeah." "Uh... huh..." "Could you help me?" "Uh... yes." "I'm looking for science 109." "Oh, it's, um..." "I go there every day." "Ha ha ha!" "Oh, God, where is it?" "Hi." "Blayne Mall." "I'm going there right now." "It's not far from the varsity field where I took all-city last year." "Oh, thank you, Blayne." "It's funny how the Earth never opens up and swallows you when you want it to." "I'm all in dire..." "What's wrong?" "If Dr. Gregory dropped his glasses, why wouldn't he pick them up?" "My name is Natalie French, and I'll be substituting for Dr. Gregory." "Do you know when he's coming back?" "No, I don't, um..." "Buffy." "They just call and tell me where they want me." "I'll tell you where I want you." "Excuse me, Blayne?" "Uh, I was just wondering if you were going to pick up where Dr. Gregory left off." "Yes." "His notes tell me you were right in the middle of insect life." "The praying mantis is a fascinating creature, forced to live alone." "Who can tell me why?" "Buffy?" "Well, the words "bug ugly" kind of spring to mind." "There is nothing ugly about these unique creatures." "The reason they live alone is because they are cannibals." "Eww." "Ohh, well, it's hardly their fault." "It's the way nature designed them." "Noble, solitary, and prolific." "Over 1,800 species worldwide, and in nearly all of them, the female is larger and more aggressive than the male." "Nothing wrong with an aggressive female." "The California mantis lays her eggs and then finds a mate to fertilize them." "Once he's played his part, she covers the eggs in a protective sac and attaches it to a leaf or twig out of danger." "Now, if she's done her job correctly, in few months, she'll have several hundred offspring." "You know, we should make some model egg sacs for the science fair." "Who would like to help me do that after school?" " Oh!" " Oh!" " Oh!" "Oh!" "Good." "Hot dog surprise." "Be still my heart." "Call me old-fashioned," "I don't want any more surprises in my hot dogs." "I wonder what she sees in me." "It's probably the quiet good looks coupled with a certain smoky magnetism." "Miss French." "You two are probably a little too young to understand what an older woman would see in a younger man." "Oh, I understand." "Good." "A younger man is too dumb to wonder why an older woman can't find someone her own age and too desperate to care about the surgical improvements." "What surgical improvements?" "Well, he is young." "And so terribly innocent." "Hey, those that can, do." "Those that can't, laugh at those who can do." "Got to carb up for my one-on-one with Miss French today." "When's yours?" "Oh, right, tomorrow." "You came in second." "I came in first." "Guess that's what they call natural selection." "Guess it's what they call a rehearsal." "Rehearsal." "Excuse you!" "Medically prescribed lunch." "My doctor ships it daily." "I'll only be here as long as I can hold my breath." "Aah!" "His head!" "His head!" "Oh, my God, where's his head?" "Here... drink this." "No, thank you." "I've never seen..." "I mean, I've never seen anything like..." "That was new." "Who'd want to hurt Dr. Gregory?" "Uh, he didn't have any enemies on the staff that I'm aware of." "He was a civilized man." "I liked him." "So did I." "Well, we're going to find out who did this." "We'll find them, and we'll stop them." "Count on it." "What do we know?" "Oh, not a lot." "Um, he was killed on campus." "I'm guessing the last day we saw him." "How do you work that out?" "He didn't change his clothing." "This is a question no one particularly wants to hear, but where did they put his head?" "Good point." "I didn't want to hear that." "Angel." "He warned me that something was coming." "Yes." "Yes, he did, didn't he?" "I wish I knew what he meant." "I've been trying to gather more information about the Master, our local vampire king." "There was one oblique reference to a vampire who displeased the Master and cut his hand off in penance." "Cut off his hand and replaced it with a fork?" "I don't know what he replaced it with." "So why would he come after a teacher?" "I'm not certain he did." "There was an incident 2 nights ago" "Involving a homeless person in Weatherly Park." "He was practically shredded, but nothing like Dr. Gregory." "Fork guy doesn't do heads." "Not historically." "And Dr. Gregory's blood wasn't drained." "So, there's something else out there besides silverware man?" "Oh, this is fun." "We're on Monster Island." "We're on a Hellmouth." "It's a center of mystical convergence." "I guess it's the same thing." "Well, unpleasant things do gravitate here, it's true, but we don't know that there's anything besides this chap." "He's still our likeliest suspect." "Where was that guy killed, Weatherly Park?" "Buffy, I know you're upset, but this is no time to go hunting." "Not until we know more." "Please promise me you won't do anything rash." "Cross my heart." "Shouldn't be out here at night, little lady." "It's dangerous." "Yaaaa!" "Hold it!" "Police!" "Did you see that?" "I heard him." "Spread out." "Let's go over here." "This way." "You went hunting last night?" "Yes." "When you assured me you wouldn't." "Yes." "I lied." "I'm a bad person." "Let's move on." "Did you see someone with a fork?" "More like a jumbo claw." "Oh." "Well, at least you're not hurt." "And I saw something else, something much more interesting than your average run-of-the-mill killer vampire." "Oh?" "Do you know Miss French, the teacher that's subbing for Dr. Gregory?" "Yes." "Yes, she's lovely..." "Well, in a... a common, extremely well-proportioned way." "Well, I'm chasing claw-guy last night, and Miss Well-proportioned is heading home." "Claw-guy takes one look at her and runs screaming for cover." "What?" "Ran away?" "He was petrified." "Of Miss French?" "Uh-huh." "So I'm an undead monster that can shave with my hand." "How many things am I afraid of?" "Not many." "And not substitute teachers, as a rule." "So what's her deal?" "I think perhaps it would be a good idea if we kept an eye on her." "Then I better get to class." "You were there." "You saw Dr. Gregory, didn't you?" "Um, you mean yesterday in the cafeteria when we found him..." "Don't say dead or decapitated or decomposing." "I'd stay away from "d" words altogether, but you witnessed the event, so this way, please." "Oh, no." "I'm gonna be late for biology." "Extremely late." "You have to see a counselor." "Everyone who saw the body has to see a crisis counselor." "But I really don't..." "We all need help with our feelings, otherwise we bottle them up, and before you know it, powerful laxatives are involved." "I really believe if we all reach out to one another, we can beat this thing." "I'm always here if you need a hug... but not a real hug, because there's no touching in this school." "We're sensitive to wrong touching." "But I really, really..." "No." "You have to talk to a counselor" "And start the healing." "You have to heal." " Mr. Flutie, I d..." " Heal." "I don't know what to say." "It was really, I mean..." "One minute you're in your normal life, and then who's in the fridge?" "It really gets to you, a thing like that." "It was..." "Let's just say" "I haven't been able to eat a thing since yesterday." "I think I lost, like, 7.5 ounces... way swifter than that so-called diet that quack put me on." "Oh, I'm not saying that we should kill a teacher every day just so I can lose weight." "I'm just saying when tragedy strikes, we have to look on the bright side, you know?" "Like, how even used Mercedes still have leather seats." "Keep your eyes straight ahead on your own test." "I think you meant "pollination" for number 14." "I'll see you here after school." "Oh, great." "A pop quiz." "No, I'm not saying she craned her neck." "We're talking full-on Exorcist twist." "Ouch." "Which reminds me..." "How come Blayne who worked with her one-one-one yesterday isn't here today?" "Inquiring minds want to know." "Any luck?" "Um, I have not found any creature as yet that strikes terror in a vampire's heart." "Try looking under things that can turn their heads all the way around." "Nothing human can do that." "No." "Nothing human." "But there are some insects that can." "Whatever she is, I'm gonna be ready for her." "What are you going to do?" "My homework." "Where are the books on bugs?" "Hi." "Oh, hi." "I was just grabbing a snack." "Can I fix you something?" "No, thanks." "I never eat when I'm making egg sacs." "Wow." "If this were real, the bugs would be..." "Big as you." " Yeah." " Mm-hmm." "So where do we start?" "Oh, Xander..." "I've done something really stupid." "I hope you can forgive me." "Oh, forgiveness is my middle name." "Actually, it's LaVelle, and I'd appreciate it if you guard that secret with your life." "I have a teachers' conference in half an hour, and I left the paint and papier-mâché at home." "I don't suppose you'd like to come to my place tonight to work on it there?" "Come to, uh... your place?" "7:30?" "Here's my address." "I'll see you tonight." "Yeah..." "Ooh... yes!" "Dig this." ""The praying mantis can rotate its head 180 degrees while waiting for its next meal to walk by."" "Hah." "Well, come on, guys... hah." "Well, Miss French is sort of big for a bug." "And she is by and large woman-shaped." "OK." "Factoid 1..." "Only the praying mantis can rotate its head like that." "Factoid 2..." "A pretty whacked-out vampire is scared to death of her." "Factoid 3..." "Her fashion sense screams predator." "It's the shoulder pads." "Exactly." "If you're right, she'd have to be a shape shifter or a perception distorter." "Wait a half a moment..." "I had a chum at Oxford..." "Carlyle." "Advanced degrees in entomology and mythology." "Entomo... who?" "Bugs and fairy tales." "I knew that." "If I recall correctly," "Poor old Carlyle..." "just before he went mad..." " Claimed there was some beast..." "Buffy, 911." "Blayne's mom called the school." "He never came home last night." "The boy who worked with Miss French yesterday?" "Yeah." "If Miss French is responsible for..." "Xander's supposed to be helping her right now." "He's got a crush on a giant insect." "OK." "Don't panic." "I'll warn him, but I need you to hack onto the coroner's office for me." "Well, what are we looking for?" "Autopsy on Dr. Gregory." "I've been trying to figure out these marks that I saw on his corpse." "I'm thinking they were teeth, and, uh, these cuddlies should definitely be brushing after every meal." "And you were saying something about a beast?" "Oh, uh, yeah, I just need to make one transatlantic telephone call." "Um, this computer invasion that Willow's performing on the coroner's office." "One assumes it is entirely legal." " Entirely." " Of course." "Right." "Wasn't here..." "didn't see it... couldn't have stopped you." "Good idea." "Hey..." "Hey." "So... how'd it go with Miss French?" "Oh, it's a bit demanding being her absolute favorite guy in the universe, but I'll muddle through." "Xander, she's not what she seems." "I know." "She's so much more." "OK, um, I'm gonna have to tell you something about her, and I'm gonna need you to really listen, OK?" "OK." "I don't think she's human." "I see." "So if she's not human, she's..." "Technically... a big bug." "This sounds really weird." "I'm aware..." "It doesn't sound weird at all." "I completely understand." "I've met someone, and you're jealous." "What?" "Look, there's nothing I can do about it." "There's just this certain chemical thing between Miss French and me." "I know." "I read all about it." "It's called, um, a pheromone." "It's a chemical attractant that insects give off." "She's not an insect." "She's a woman, OK?" "And hard as that may be for you to conceive, an actual woman finds me attractive." "I realize it's no mystery guy handing out leather jackets." "And while we're on the subject, what kind of a girlie name is Angel, anyway?" "What does that have to do..." "Nothing." "It just kind of bugs me." "Look, I really gotta..." "Wha..." "Hi." "Come on in." "Should I change?" "Is this too..." "No, no." "It's the most beautiful chest... dress I've ever seen." "Thank you." "That's sweet." "Martini?" "Oh, I'm sorry." "would you like something else?" "Uh, heh." "I just need to relax a little." "I'm kind of nervous around you." "You're probably cool as a cucumber." "I like cucumbers, like in that Greek salad thing with the yogurt." "Do you like Greek food?" "I'm exempting shwarma, of course." "I mean, what's that all about?" "It's a big meat hive." "Uhh..." "Hell-o!" "Cheers." "Can I ask you a personal question?" "Have you ever been with a woman before?" "You mean like in, uh, the same room?" "You know what I mean." "Oh, that." "Uh... well, let me think." "um... yeah, there was, uh, several." "I mean, and, uh... quite a few times... a-and then there was, uh, oh, she was incredibly..." "No." "Uh-uh." "I know." "I can tell." "You can?" "Oh, I like it." "You might say I need it." "Oh." "Well, needs should, uh... you know, needs should definitely be met, as long as it doesn't require ointments the next day or..." "Do you hear..." "No." "It sounds like someone crying." "I don't hear anything." "Your hands are so hot." "Ooh, you hurt your hand." "Buffy." "I love Buffy." "Wow." "So that's a martini, huh?" "Mm-hmm." "Do you hear..." "Would you like to touch me with those hands?" "Your hands are s... really... serrated." "Oh, wow, That martini." "I... really think I have to..." "Miss..." "French?" "Please... call me Natalie." "Frankly, madam, I haven't the faintest idea what time it is, nor do I care." "Now, unlock his cell, unstrap him, and bring him to the telephone immediately." "This is a matter of life and death." "Got it." "Coroner's report... complete with... yuck..." "color pictures." "There are teeth marks... which match perfectly the one insect that nips off its prey's head." "OK." "I..." "I don't like this." "That's the way they feed... head first." "It's also the way they mate." "The female bites off the male's head while they're..." "No, no, no." "See," "Xander is..." "I like his head." "It's where you find his eyes and his hair and his adorable smile." "Hey, hey, take it easy, Will." "Xander is not in any immediate danger." "I saw him leave school." "He's probably safe at home right now." "Blayne!" "Oh, God." "Oh, God..." "Are you all right?" "You gotta get me outta here." "You gotta." "She..." "She..." "She gets you, and, uh..." "What?" "What does she do?" "Oh, God... oh, no..." "Blayne, what does she do?" "She..." "She..." "She takes you outta the cage, and she ties you up, and... and... she... she starts moving and throbbing, and these eggs come shooting out of her, and then..." "and then..." "Then what?" "She mates with you." "She..." " That's not the worst part." " That's not?" "You seen her teeth?" "Right while she's, you know, right in the middle of..." "I saw her do it." "I don't want to die like that." "Blayne, Blayne, chill." "It's OK." "It's gonna be OK." "We're gettin' outta this." "You got a plan?" "What is it?" "Just, uh, let me perfect it." "Oh, God." "Oh, God." "I understand, Carlyle." "Yes, I'll take every precaution." "Absolutely." "It sounds exactly like the creature you describe." "You..." "You were right all along about everything." "Well, no, you weren't right about your mother coming back as a Pekingese, but..." "Uh, try to rest, old man." "Yes." "Ta." "Bye now." "Dr. Ferris Carlyle spent years transcribing a lost, pre-germanic language." "What he discovered, he kept to himself until several teenage boys were murdered in the Cotswolds." "Then he went hunting for it." "It being..." "Uh, he calls her a she-mantis." "This type of creature, the kleptes-virgo or virgin-thief, appears in many cultures... the Greek sirens, the Celtic sea-maidens who tore the living flesh from the bones of..." "Giles, while we're young." "Well, basically, the she-mantis assumes the form of a beautiful woman and then lures innocent virgins back to her nest." "Virgins?" "Well, Xander's not..." "uh... uh..." "I mean, he's probably... gonna die." "OK, OK, so this thing is breeding, and we need to find it and snuff it." "Any tips on the snuffing part?" "Uh, Carlyle recommends cleaving all body parts with a sharp blade." "Slice and dice." "Whatever you do, it had better be sudden and swift." "This beast is extremely dangerous." "Well, your buddy Carlyle faced it, and he's still around." "Yes." "In a straitjacket howling his innards out day and night." "OK, Admiral." "Way to inspire the troops." "Sorry." "Xander's not home." "He told his mom he was going to his teacher's house to work on a science project." "He didn't tell her where." "See if you can get her address off the substitute rolls." "And you need to record bat sonar, and fast." "Bat sonar." "Right..." "What?" "Bats eat them." "A mantis hears sonar, its entire nervous system goes kaplooey." "Where am I going to find..." "In the vid library." "There are no books, but it's dark and musty." "You'll feel right at home." "Go." "I guess I'll handle the armory." "Don't do anything to make her mad." "Hey, all right." "Now I can get out of my cage... into yours." "What'd you do that for?" "A weapon." "I think you're going to need it." "Getting the address." "Great." "Giles?" "Recording bat sonar is something soothingly akin to having one's teeth drilled." "Let's roll." "According to Miss French's personnel records, she was born in 1907." "She's, like, 90 years old." "And extremely well-preserved." "Oh, God." "Uh, he did that." "He broke the cage." "Take him, not me." "Take him." "What now, exactly?" "We can't just kick the door down." "Yeah." "That would be wrong." "Hello, dear." "I thought I heard..." "Are you selling something?" "Because I'd like to help you out, but you see, I'm on a fixed income." "I'm looking for Miss French." "I'm Miss French." "Natalie French, the substitute biology teacher." "Goodness." "That's me." "I taught for over 30 years." "I retired in 1972." "I can't believe this." "She used Miss French's records to get into the school." "She could be anywhere." "No, dear." "I'm right here." "What's she doing?" "I... think it's... eeny-meeny-miney..." "Moe?" "I'm coming." "I'm coming." "What do we do now?" "Abject prayer and supplication would spring to mind." "I saw her walking past this park with her grocery bags." "She lives in this neighborhood." "I'm gonna start banging on doors." "Wait." "No." "We do not have time for that." "We have to do something." "We will." "I won't be long." "Buffy?" "Oh, yeah, here it comes." "What?" "What's happening?" "How do you like your eggs, bro, over easy or sunny side up?" "Eggs?" "She's gonna lay some..." ""The California mantis lays her eggs and then finds a mate to fertilize them."" "Come on, Buffy." "You!" "Me." "Unh..." "Come on, where is she?" "Which house is it?" "I know you're afraid of her." "I saw you." "Come on." "Come on..." "What?" "What is it?" "This is her, isn't it?" "This is her house." "This is it." "Better than radar." "Buffy!" "Aagh!" "Kiss me." "Can I say one thing?" "Help!" "Help!" "Uh... hey, over here." "Hello... in the cage." "Let him go!" "Get them out of here." "Help me!" "Help me!" "Remember Dr. Gregory?" "You scarfed his head." "Yeah, well, he taught me:" "You do your homework, you learn stuff... like what happens to your nervous system when you hear this." "Extremely important to file not simply alphabetically..." "Giles!" "It's the wrong side." "Bat sonar." "Makes your whole nervous system go to hell." "You can go there with it." "Well..." "I'd say it's deceased." "And dissected." "You OK?" "Yeah." "Just for the record, you were right." "I'm an idiot, and God bless you." "And thank you guys, too." "Yeah, really." "Pleasure." "I'm really glad you're OK." "It's so unfair how she only went after virgins." "Ha ha ha..." "What?" "I mean, here you guys are, doing the right thing, the smart thing, when a lot of other boys your age..." "Flag down on that play, baby." "I am not..." "See, that's the she-mantis' modus operandi." "She only preys on the pure." "Well, isn't this a perfect ending to a wonderful day?" "My dad's a lawyer." "Anybody repeats this to anybody, they're going to find themselves facing a lawsuit." "Blayne, shut up." "I don't think it's bad." "I think it's really... sweet." "But certainly nothing I'll ever bring up again." "I heard a rumor there was one less vampire walking around making a nuisance of himself." "There is." "I guess I should thank you for the tip." "The pleasure's mine." "Of course, it would make things easier if I knew how to get in touch with you." "I'll be around." "Or who you were." "Well... anyway, you can have your jacket back." "It looks better on you." "Oh, boy..." "All the term papers will be exactly 6 pages long." "No more, no less." "1/3 of your grade will be dependent on those papers." "No more, no less." "Grrr!" "Arrgh!"