"I wasn't a fan of the Queen until I realised how much we have in common." "Bringing up kiddies you can't remember the names of." "I know she's not a single parent but she might as well be." "Plus, the pair of us, we've stuck to our guns, her literally sometimes, and flagshipped a dying breed." "Admired and despised equally." "Not for never lifting a finger." "No, for setting examples through extremity." "And whether you're a bigwig on her end or a bigwig on mine, you've still got your dickheads in the middle to deal with, snip, snip, snipping at your benefits." "I mean, she can't not be looking at me and thinking, "What's your secret, Frank?"" "I got shot of my kids yonks back." "Whereas she's yet to see the back of a single one." "I've had to get out of bed on occasion to make ends meet whereas she, she's done the whole thing from a chair." "Oh, and a drink for the lady." "Oh sure, there's perks." "But, look at her lot." "Brian May prancing about on her roof." "Now look at my lot." "We know how to throw a proper fucking paaaarty!" "The more I think about it, the more I realise that pretty much everyone's got a secret identity." "And I'm not, you know, meaning like Batman or Superman." "Although when I was ten, I did put my pants on my head and run around pretending to be a superhero." "The Catholic Avenger." "Exorcised the next door neighbour's cat." "Worked as well." "No, I mean the secret identity being you." "The real you." "The one behind all that bluster and front." "Like the woman who pretended she didn't need love." "But found it closer to home than she could have ever imagined." "Or the boy who's doing his best to be a loving husband and good father." "Those good looks and easy smile distracting you from the stench of blood and death that came with his family name." "Or the friendly local janitor, always got a smile and wink for the kiddies." "Some of them say they want to be like him when they grow up." "Or the man who thought he was happy enough." "Drinking, womanising, getting by." "Until he realised he'd never known what happiness was at all." "Coming." "Oh, shit." "Coming!" "Package for a Gloria Meak." "She doesn't live here." "I mean, she does." "Sorry." "She does." "She's just not here right now." "Oh, pay no attention to him." "Mince for brains till he has his first cuppa." "Yeah." "My wife's the same." "No, no, we're not married." "No we're brother and sister." "What?" "It's not weird, is it?" "Us living together." "Especially not in this economic climate." "I'm a priest anyway, you know, a man of the cloth." "I told you." "Mince." "What's with you?" "Nothing." "As you all know, tomorrow is a red letter day." "The school inspector calls, so big smiles, friendly faces, we'll get through it." "And, er, there is one other thing." "In light of recent solicitor's letters that I've received, it seems that our exclusion of Adam Wiggins" "may not have been entirely legal." " You better be joking." " This is shit." "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh!" "That little fucker comes back, you'll have a walkout on your hands." "You can't do that, we've got an inspection." "Seems to me you're doing it all wrong." "Punishing the lad, excluding him, not going to work." "Now what you need is a nice little frilly pink dress and a pair of heels." "Dress up this Adam like a little girl." "Two or three days tottering round the corridors, having the shite ripped out of him by all and sundry, he'll be humble as pie." "S'all right." "You can thank me later." "Just to remind you, you are PTA." "Not actual staff." "I was just helping, I've got experience with these things, kids of my own." "I understand the whole world of education must seen fascinating and new to you." "What's that mean?" "How old were you when you left school?" "Exactly." "But this is not a free for all." "And I'm not blind." "I'm well aware of you slithering your tentacles into places they're not welcome." "You better watch your tone." "And you better watch out you don't over-step the mark." "Because one little word from me and you're gone." "Gone with the wind." "He's not going to call." "He might." "I know things got a little bit out of hand but, you know, now me and Kassi have had a time to cool down." "Jamie, he popped in here for a drink and you tried to beat the shite out of him." "He's hardly going to be throwing lunch dates and friend requests in your direction." " He's not answering my calls." " Because he knows your number." "But he doesn't know mine." "Hello?" "It's me." "Jamie." "Don't hang up." "Hey, all right, Mimi!" "How's it hanging?" "Hey!" "This place doesn't clean itself, you know." "What are we doing, Frank?" "Look at us." "We look like dicks." "I don't." "Eh, come on, you shouldn't let them get you down, kid." "You're a big strong woman." "No, I'm not." "Yes, you are!" "Come on!" "In fact, I'm going close the book on this place." "Take them for everything I can." "Show those fuckers what over-stepping the line really looks like." "Yeah, good for you." "Hey, I've been very impressed by that... you know, that mushroom industry that you've got going." "You're a trailblazer, you know." "Amelia Earheart, Marie Curie, Pocahontas..." "I haven't got Hovis stamped on my arse." "You can stop buttering me up, Frank." "What do you want?" "Well, seeing that you're doing very well with this mushroom thing, maybe tip a few caps this way to your old friend and neighbour..." "Fill your boots, Frank." "Enjoy it while it lasts." "Cos I'm getting the goldmine, and these are getting the shaft." "Laters, Frank." "Yeah, laters." "But you get on all right." "As family." "When you finally got to spend some time together." "I thought she was lovely, till she opened her mouth." "And he was so drunk, he thought I was twins." "Come on, Jamie, you're a class act." "What's not to like, eh?" "Black eye, couple of bruises." "Jamie." "He's agreed to meet you again." "He's coming in for a drink." "Don't overthink it." "You know what you should try doing?" "Mam, it's all right." "I was just saying." "I don't want this opened up this to the floor." "I just wanted to hear from a couple of folk who'd been there." "Right, listen up." "My brother's coming in here tonight." "I'm already here, you div." "My other brother." "And I want to show him this place isn't a fucking cesspool." "No fighting, no drugs, no pissing, and no puking." "Have you got that?" "It's you he needs to worry about." "No, it's good to laugh." "A pub full of happy people, joking about." "You've got the right idea, John." "So go on." "Laugh again." "I want to hear you." "A big old fucking chuckle." "Hahaha...?" "Oh, you can do better than that." "Haha, haha..." "All of you!" "I didn't say stop." "Come, on." "Laugh it up, you fucking fuzzballs." "All together now." "Computer room." "At the back, first corridor." "Got a brand new server, whatever the fuck that is." "So get in after midnight, rip it out, sell it on." "Right?" "You got masks?" "Don't want any of this coming back to me." "Right then." "And don't smash the place up." "Some of the kids have worked quite hard on their projects and..." "Just keep it clean." "Are you sure about us being here?" "Oh, yeah, cos being at home's so much better, with Aiden tramping around with his tag on, the little one mewling and whining all the fucking time." "It's just we always hated school." "Worst years of our lives." "I promise you, after this evening's over, you'll think of school in a whole different light." "We're not pissing on you, Frank." "What?" "Eh?" "What's pissing got to do with it?" "Just whenever you start talking like this, usually ends with me pissing on you." "That's not strictly true." "But let's not rule anything out." "What happens in school, stays in school." "He's not coming." "Maybe he's just running late." "Maybe it's for the best." "It's not like you can share life stories, is it?" ""Oh, I tell you what, let's talk about the time I was banged up," ""or the time I offed three fellas," ""or maybe the time when I dug up the corpse" ""of some guy's dad, because he had his sticky fingers on my missus."" "Shane, let's play shut-the-fuck-up." "You go first." "Just saying..." "I'm going to clear up." "Hey." "Whoa!" "Easy, easy," "Sorry, mate." "Karen told me you were out here shifting crates." "I know it's late." "We're closing but we can still get a couple of beers." "How about tomorrow?" "Day out." "Banley Manor?" " Tam's off school for a few days, I have to look after him anyway." " Why Banley?" "Is this to do with me dad?" "Yes." "Yes, it is." "That's where... his ashes were scattered." "Tomorrow then?" "Got a taxi waiting." "Tomorrow." "They're gone." "Frank..." "Almost done." "I dunno about this." "Makes me look like a prossie." "No!" "You look like a painted lady." "Don't that look like Siobhan?" "Fuck, it does." "Got the corn-rows and everything." "Talented little bastards." "They're not talented!" "This, this is talent." "Rembrandt'd be spinning in his tomb." "This stuff, this is rubbish." "It's just bollocks, innit?" "Fingers like penises, smiling faces..." "Yeah, that's kids for you." "They see things differently." "Blue sky." "Big old Mr Sunshine." "Everything's beautiful." "Everything's just perfect." "Frankie!" "Frankie!" "Are you looking at me?" "Wait, this is..." "This is important..." "Here I am, Frank!" "Frank!" "This is fucking brilliant." "It's like... a moment." "No, don't change..." "Stay the same, don't grow old, cos your fucking kids just fucking up and away..." "Frank!" "Frank!" "Are you looking at me now, Frank?" "Aah!" "Have you finished?" "!" "No!" "I'm not fucking finished!" "You fucking leech!" "Iraq not enough for you?" "I am not fucking finished!" "All set?" "Yeah." "Think so." "Packed lunch." "Just some sandwiches." "You ever been to Banley Manor before?" "Oh, God, it's boring." "Went there years ago on a school trip." "Connor might enjoy it, though." "Don't think you have to come." "I can do this." "Like I said, boring for me." "But for Connor, though..." "OK." "But I'm not sharing my sandwiches." "Just go and get some stuff together." "He's bringing his kid too." "My nephew, I suppose." "Have you got him something?" "What?" "You think I should get him a present?" "I dunno, it'd be polite?" "I mean, these middle classes..." "That'd be great, showing up empty-handed!" "He'll think I'm a right fucking loser." "We're meeting him at 11, you haven't got time!" "Eh, what's going on?" "It's Christmas, sir." "Christmas morning." "Seriously?" "Nah." "Assembly in the hall, innit." "Coo-ee, Frank!" "Look here, Frank!" "Let me lick your lollipop, Frank!" "Oh!" "Eh-up, eh-up!" "Eh-up, janny coming through!" "Janny coming through!" "Frank, I'm stuck!" "Just jump." "I can't." "I've got impetigo." "What?" "Look, the place is going to be crawling with kids and teachers in a minute." "I'll catch you, trust me." "Trust me!" "Ah!" "Oh, fucking hell." "Ah, Jesus..." "Come on, up and at 'em." "You said you'd catch me!" "I've got bruises, more bruises." "Fucking hell, Frank, you throw like a girl." "I haven't got time for this." "Oh, shit." "You got any Frisbees?" "You know I don't sell that kind of stuff." "Have you got anything similar?" "Jamie, I don't deal drugs." "All right?" " Bet he does." "This place has to be a front." " It's not a bloody codeword." "It's a Frisbee!" "It's an object you throw and catch." "Oh, right." "Frisbee." "No." "I also don't sell that kind of thing here." "Here." "I'm in a rush." "I can't be late." "So how much?" "Just take it, man." "Biscay." "East or North West, four or five." "Slight or moderate." "Mainly fair." "Good, occasionally very poor." "Trafalgar." "Variable southerly..." "Frank!" "Three or four." "Occasionally five." "Slight or moderate, fair, good." "Well, that concludes today's shipping forecast." "Fucking hell..." "I'd like to welcome someone back into the fold." "And I'm sure that once you've heard what Adam Wiggins has to say," "I'm sure that you'll agree he deserves a second chance." "Adam?" "No way." "Please, please..." "Not again." "Oh, come on..." "You're not dismissed!" "Community, you've got to pull together, haven't you?" "Go Scargill!" "Outside!" "Great!" "Just great!" "Go on, fight the system." "Solidaritnost." "Shouldn't you be in school?" "There was a walk-out." " There's only like three teachers and 40 kids left." " When?" "In assembly." "Heard them say they'll probably shut the school down now." "Hang on a minute, love." "What are you doing, Miss?" "Protecting my investment." "Ah, so, how are things at, uh... um, inspector HQ?" "Right!" "Let us begin." "English." "How about geography instead?" "Mr Farman's class is fascinating." "Oh, would you like to meet...?" "Year four English." "Actually I think the year four teacher might be off." "Well, then you'll have a substitute teacher, won't you?" "Or are you so incompetent you can't even manage that?" "Wait, look, there's something I need to tell you." "Of course, if I was to tell you the next story we were looking at featured murder, paranoia, insanity, revenge and ghosts," "you'd probably think I was talking about an X-rated oeuvre of Mr Tarantino or Mr Stallone, but no." "It's called Hamlet and it's by a bright young gun named Mr William Shakespeare." "Anybody know him?" "Ah, gentlemen." "Please, take a seat." "OK, so, where was I?" "Hamlet, Hamlet..." "It warms the very sickness in my heart, that I shall live and tell him to his teeth," ""Thus diest thou."" "Slightly carried away there, but everybody open your books, turn to page one, hang onto your hats." "Cos it's Hamlet time." "Right now, your career is bent over the table, trousers down, cheeks splayed, about the get the arse fucking to end all arse fuckings." "You're too old to re-train for anything else, and no other school will touch you with the proverbial dirty barge pole, so I'm your only hope." "Now, I've called in favours from friends, good friends, to bail you out of your own mess." "I just hope I haven't over-stepped the mark." "Everything all right, Mr Banbury?" "Everything's fine." "Then pay attention." "You might learn something." "My liege..." "Art, chemistry, physical education, mathematics." "Oh, and there was recently a big investment in a school server." "I would very much like to see that up and running." "Computer room." "At the back, brand new server, worth thousands." "Rip it out, sell it on." "No problem at all." "I need you to get that server back to me A-S-A-fuckin'" "P." "I don't care if you've got football tonight." "Billy, do you want to spend the rest of your married life sleeping on the couch?" "Right." "Thank you." "You." "Here." "Now." "Bet you're happy with yourself." "School's in chaos." "Most of the teachers have buggered off." "Come on, let's see if you're still smiling when I'm done with you." "You might have half the school shitting' themselves every time you look round, might have the teachers on the run, but I'll give you this." "You do scrub up pretty well." "Now you totter along to the kitchen to help out, for all those lovely dinner ladies walked out when you walked in." "And, eh, son?" "Make sure that food's de-fuckin'-licious, Michelin star, or you'll be walkin' round in my knickers and bra." "So I guess you come here a lot... to visit Dad's ashes?" "Yeah, yeah, we make the trip every... week or so." "It's boring." "Doesn't have to be boring." "Jamie's brought you summat." "Give it to him." "This?" "No, no, I didn't bring this to play with." "It's, um..." "It's some kid's birthday on our street." "He's... mentally deficient." "That's really good of you, mate." "These are a little basic, aren't they?" "At this level, they should really be up to a higher standard." "In order to draw like the child, one must think like the child, ja?" "They are children." "You are a man who understands art." "Well, I..." "Well, I do dabble, yes." "Billy, give me some good news." "They've sold the server on already." "The problem is it's to another school." "Look, just delay your man." "I'm on it." "Right, I'll wait here." "It's your wife." "Well, I can't just walk into a strange school, can I?" "Everyone'll think I'm a paedo." "You can't hang around the school gates either." "You'll look even more paedotastic, so grow some." "Which one's the server?" "That big thing there." "Maybe you should have unplugged it first." "Has everyone just ran off and left you?" "Animals, man, the lot of 'em." "Billy." "It's wrong." "The wheels." "We're going to hell, we're going to hell, we're going to hell!" "Go, go!" "So, dad..." "Our dad." "Where d'you scatter the ashes?" "Over the flowerbed." "It's what he wanted." "He used to sit here on the bench." "He loved it here." "I suppose I should go and say something." "I have no fuckin' idea what I'm doing here." "I mean, you're a pile of ashes in a flowerbed." "You obviously can't hear me." "Are you exclusive?" "You and the big lad?" "Cos I ain't got a girlfriend at the moment and I can be... very discreet." "Blah blah blah." "Talking to a fucking flowerbed." "Blah blah blah blah blah." "So, uh.." "Yeah, I hope you would have been proud of me." "It's unlikely but I hope so." "Nice one, mate." "Late for school." "There's punishment for that." "I was kind of hoping there would be." "Just pay the fucking bills on time, you alcoholic twatbag." "All right, Mimes." "No, not all right." "Does anyone know anything about computers?" "Yeah, I know a little bit." "Good, because we've got about three minutes to get this server up and running before the inspector gets to the computer room and I've no fuckin' idea what a server actually does." "C'mon." "No, no, other cable." "You don't think she suspects anything, do you?" "Apart from you being an alkie who can't pay your bills on time?" "No." "Second time this week we've almost been caught." "You don't think we're one of those couples who, y'know?" "Get off on danger?" "Nah." "In fact, it makes me even more frustrated." "I want to do normal things." "Why don't we, then?" "Tonight." "Grand Hotel." "Meal, get drunk." "It's weird, isn't it?" "It just... feels right." "Yeah." "It does that." " Everything good?" " Yeah." "Yeah, yeah." "Never been better." "OK, so we have lift off." "Oh, come on!" "Oh!" "Just another hour and we're in the clear." "You're really into all this, aren't you?" "The school, the way the kids look up to you, the teachers." "It's called protecting your investment." "You sure that's all it is?" "Course I'm fuckin' sure." "These corridors are paved with gold and it's all going straight into my pocket." "All right." "If anyone's too into this, it's your Dom." "Yeah." "A real showman, that one." "He just loves pretending to be somebody else." "Is there a union we can join or something?" "Lil, you do realise we're not real teachers, right?" "You might not be a real teacher." "Pizza?" "Really?" "Well, it covers four of the..." "Stop babbling." "You're getting a pass." "A weak one with notes in the margin but it's still a pass." "I've always tried to maintain the highest standards." "The less you speak, the better it'll be for everybody." "Oh, shite!" "Get out!" "Get out!" "We shouldn't be exposed to these kinds of things." "We're fuckin' courtesans, ladies of pleasure." "Fire!" "Fire!" "Coming through!" "Fire!" "What was that?" "Al-Qaeda or the fucking paddies starting up?" "Let Hercules himself do what he may." "The cat will mew and dog will have his day." "That is from Hamlet and it means you are all in a hell a lot of trouble!" "I feel sorry for you." "You went to all that effort to set up those microwaves, the cans in them... big boom... and you didn't even scratch me." "I mean, that's pathetic." "There are kids your age in Sierra Leone, with AK-47s and twice the balls you'll ever have!" "You know, when I first heard about you," "I thought "Maybe here's a lad who's going to show me something new." ""Something interesting." "Maybe he'll even surprise me."" "But you can't, can you, Adam?" "Because you're mediocre." "And you always will be." "So how does it feel?" "Now you've spoken to dad." "Yeah, great." "Like, y'know, a weight off my mind." "No, I can't do this, Kas." "I didn't feel a thing." "I'm a bad person - this was a mistake." "Jamie..." "I've done time in jail," "I've been involved in shit that would turn your shite white." "You're clever, you're driven, you've got this great kid who's all sorted." "I'm just a fuck-up." "It's not funny, it's..." "Jamie." "I lied to you." "Dad's ashes weren't scattered here." "Then where are they scattered?" "Dunno." "I don't even know where they are." "Left 'em in the back of a taxi when I was doing a runner." "Why?" "Well, because it was eight quid fifty and I only had a fiver on me and you know they always fiddle the meter anyway." "Why did you tell me they were here?" "Acting all serious..." "Because I thought that's what you wanted." "I'm only here because I thought it's what you wanted!" "Mate..." "I'm a fuck up too." "Not just losing Dad's ashes." "I mean, I've been bankrupt." "And Tam, well they gave him a little holiday from school for sending photos of his cock to the English teacher!" "Looks like he's just shown it to my missus." "The point is - fucking up happens." "And I figure, two brothers, walking around acting all serious trying to make the other one feel better... well, it can't all be bad, right?" "You really are a fuck up." "Fight, fight, fight!" "Listen, you can't blame Banbury for this." "He let a kid come back." "Teachers walked out." "Look." "I'm going to be nice and save you the trouble of a beautiful speech." "Some wonderful oration to melt my heart and stay my pen." "It's not going to happen." "There are rules!" "Regulations!" "Correct ways of doing things." "He touched me!" "What?" "!" "Him." "He touched me." "In my private area." "In the toilets." "This is ridiculous!" "Obviously just another set-up." "Nothing to do with me." "Nobody is going to believe him." "All allegations of abuse must be dealt with seriously." "If the child is in immediate trouble the police should be called." "Otherwise it must be taken to the council Children's Services." "These are the rules, the regulations... the correct way of doing things." "I'm sure your name will be cleared." "Family, friends, colleagues won't ever think less of you." "No nagging doubts." "Smoke without fire, so to speak." "Are you threatening me?" "Offering you a solution, love." "One word in this kid's ear and he'll keep his trap shut." "I'll make sure the teachers come back, the world keeps turning, and you can wheel on in next week, full inspection, proper this time." "You've no justification for this." "I am here to make sure the school runs properly." "Believe me, I give more of a shite about this place than anyone else." "You have my word on that." "Your word?" "!" "I don't even know what you are!" "I'm Mrs Tutton." "Head of the PTA." "OK." "That got my attention." "Now go away and ask about the Maguire family." "Look 'em up online." "Have a read, have a think." "Could always use someone like you." "When you get out." "Because the way you're going now, it's Borstal, then Strangeways, then a life pissed away!" "And I'd hate to see that happen." "You can take those glasses off now." "Oh, I like them, makes me look intellectual, even more intellectual." "We can nip away every so often." "Be someone else, like we were today." "So we'd lie about who we are..." ""Lie" is a bit strong." "It's more like... we'd have secret identities." "Don't you think if we have to work that hard to try and hide something, well then there's a bigger problem at the heart of it all?" "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone." "I'll give you that, Dom, you always manage to find faith somewhere." "Come on." "This was a fucking disaster..." "Oh, come on, Russell." "You've got another shot at the inspection." "Adam Wiggins is out your hair, and all the teachers are back on Monday." "I believe there's something you want to say to me." "Thank you, Mrs Tutton." "'Maybe the thing about our secret identities is that they might 'be hidden to ourselves.'" "Oh - you remind me of that fella." "Who's that?" "James Bond?" "No, the other one." "Simon Templar." "The Saint?" "Hurricane Higgins." "'Like the man who discovered the simple joys of a hard day's work.'" "On the house." "Oh, cheers." "Eh, you did good today, kid." "They'll be calling this place" "St Mimi's before too long." "Shut up." "Just do half this time, eh?" "'Or the woman who found her place 'a million miles from where she expected it." "'That's a million miles metaphorically." "'Obviously." "Not like she went to outer space." "Y'know," "'Mars or something." "'Or the boy who grew up and found a brother that he had 'more in common with that he'd ever have realised.'" "There's room for one more, mate." "Cheers, mate." "Nice to meet you." "'And the man who found love, found a purpose in life.'" "'Had searched for God in the strangest of places, 'but found it in her crooked smile, her dolphin blue eyes, 'the way her hair hung upon her face...'" "'But didn't realise that wasn't who he was at all.'" "Are you waiting for someone?" "'He was just a man, waiting for the girl he loved...'" "No." "'.." "Who was never going to show.'" "'And she told herself that this was for the best." "'That leaving was the only thing she could do." "'She would be just be Gloria again." "'Somewhere else.'" "You keep the takings in a railway locker?" "Very secure, them lockers." "She reckons there's upwards of three grand in there." "She never counts it." "Problem with a teacher letting the side down." "The headmaster has personally asked me to sort her out." "Stick with me" " I'll make a new woman of you." "Twelve grand." "And that's just this lot." "All she's expecting is a couple of stags." "Me and Kelly, come into a bit of money - ripped it off!" " You want to launder some money?" " Shhh!" "Are you robbing us?" "Come on, Frank!" "Come back out!" "Frank!" "OK." "OK." "Ahh, you fuckin' parasite, you war criminal!" "Fuck it." "Let's have another go on the swing."