"Evening, ladies." "Gals' night out?" "Chasing guys, eating pie, having fun?" "This table is sticky." "Run a damp rag across it." "Would it kill you to clean a little?" "What kind of place is this?" "The kind that serves soup cold." "And what's with your crazy earrings?" "What are you, some kind of gypsy?" "Okay, whoa." "Hold up, ladies." "You don't get a bitch pass just because you're old." "Yes, that's right, I said it." "You come in with your gangster granny attitude and think you can get away with dumping all over the lowly gypsy waitress." "No way." "At this diner we don't discriminate due to age." "If you're gonna act like an ass, I'm gonna treat you like an ass." "No matter how close that ass is riding to the floor." "Now." "I'll wipe off the table, we'll take it from the top." "Hi." "I'm Max." "Who wants tapioca?" "That's more like it." "Save the disappointment for the grandkids." "Earl, I need another book of checks." "The last one fell between the refrigerator and the oven." "I'd reach for it, but that falls between "I don't do that" and "Oh, hell no."" "Look over there, Max." "Men and women in suits." "This neighborhood is on the rise." "I remember a time when a black man couldn't get a cab around here." "That time was Wednesday." "Max, I was just talking to the smart couples in booth two." "I know they're smart because they're the first people in here who ever ordered the croque monsieur as "croque monsieur," not "crock monster."" "They wanna meet the woman who made the cupcakes." "I told them you'd be over." "Go." "They're so nice." "They're not nice." "They're trendy, blood-sucking locusts who come into this neighborhood to pillage and destroy everything I care about." "I felt the same way when the Hilton sisters crashed my 21st birthday." "What?" "You made these cupcakes?" "Yeah, what's the problem?" "Spit it out, I've got a life." "We just wanted to tell you that your flavor palate is amazing." "I don't know who you are, or where you came from" "Neither do I. Heh." "But these are fabulous." "Welcome to the neighborhood." "I knew I liked you guys." "So, what did the trendy locusts want?" "You are so judgmental, you know that?" "They wanted to tell me the cupcakes are fabulous." "Thank you!" "Maybe you'll finally get it if someone besides me tells you how good they are." "I believe the word was "fabulous."" "Pick up, Max." "Oleg, from now on you may call me:" ""Countess Max of the fabulous cupcakes."" "And you may call me "Sir Oleg of the Amazing Party in My Pants."" "Caroline, the happy, shiny people in suits ask me to give you this note." "Oh, what a great idea." "They suggested we sell Max's cupcakes at the new coffee place in their building." "But you already sell cupcakes here in my diner." "We're building a cupcake business that will one day get us out of here." "That's what we're trying to do with our lives." "But I thought we had something special." "Yes, but we're not exclusive." "The diner's cute, but I want more than this." "Oof." "First girlfriend all over again." "Hey, Johnny." "Max has the tables against the wall." "We're good in your section." "Caroline, I want you to meet my buddy Carlos." "What's happening?" "Hi." "Well, I'm working the counter." ""What's happening?" Dude, you have a literature degree from NYU." "I didn't mean to say that, but when I get nervous, Rico Suave comes out." "It won't happen again." "And here's two menus." "What's happening?" "Dude, I'm nervous." "Guys, I'm in that section over there." "Uh, we're good in Caroline's area." "Well, if you like hot coffee in your pants area, you're in the right place." "Actually, I like that." "Coming right at you." "Johnny's in your section." "Yeah, why?" "He comes in here every night to see you." "He's your friend or crush or whatever he is." "Shh!" "He's not a crush." "He's a..." "I don't know what he is, but whatever he is, he's in your section." " Max." " Ooh, you're not supposed to be in here." "I know, I'm a bad boy." "Look, the reason I'm not in your section is because Carlos is crushing on Caroline." "He asked me to do what I can to hook them up." "Oh, so now you're a bartender, a street artist and a pimp." "Nothing wrong with pimping some boy on the side." "Keeps me in spray paint and whatnot." "So from pimp to pimp" "Help me outwith your girl?" "My girl don't come cheap." "Is it hot in here?" "Yes." "And we're in a freezer." "Yes." "My freezer." "I was just talking to Max." "Um, I'll see you out there." " So is this what you like in a man?" " What?" "No, he's just a customer that went rogue." "He is weak and girlish." "A woman like you needs a real man." "You know what they say: "Once you go Ukraine, you will scream with sex pain."" "That probably lost some of its sensual appeal in the translation." "But thanks for the offer, Oleg." "He's cute, but I'm not interested." "Besides, he's not my type." "Just say it:" "You're not interested in him because he's Puerto Rican." "Where did you get this idea that I would only date white guys?" "For your information, I've dated all kinds of men." "I once had a Spaniard in Monte Carlo." "Isn't that the title of an ABBA song?" "Are you sure about this?" "He's cute, and trust me, you could use a little salsa on your white rice." "Max, I just lost every dollar I had." "The last thing on my mind right now is guys." "Any type of guy." "Except this guy." "Hi, Chestnut." "I'm more concerned with our business and getting my head back above water." "Men will come sooner or later." "Well, according to my research, most men come sooner." "I thought we should stop by the new coffee place tomorrow and introduce ourselves and your cupcakes." "I'm not gonna walk in there." "Feel like I'm selling out." "Okay." "Let's re-frame the phrase "selling out" and make it "sold out."" "As in, "Max, we sold out of the cupcakes and are now successful."" "What's that you say?" "I can now afford to buy the waxed dental floss again?" "Fine." "But I'm only doing it so you'll get your mind off the business and get laid." "Why do you think I need to get laid so badly?" "If I'd gone through the tension and trauma that happened to you I'd be climbing telephone poles to take the edge off." "Trust me, sex is the last thing on my mind right now." "Oh, and speaking of re-framing things, I have a surprise." "I redecorated my room." "I scoped out some cheap fabric and bedding places down on Houston Street." "What do you think?" "I think you've made a vagina." "What?" "Sister, you may think that sex is the last thing on your mind, but you turned your bed into a vagina." " You think my vagina has curtains?" " I don't know how long it's been." "I'm tired." "I'm going to bed." "I still have to make cupcakes to bring by tomorrow." "I don't want to keep you awake, so you sleep in my bed and I'll pass out on your vagina." "Okay, but you better buy me breakfast in the morning." "I love this place." "Looks like Paris in the '20s." "More like poseurs in their 20s." "Man, they have really cleaned this place up." "You've been here before?" "It used to be a liquor store owned by an old Irish guy with freckles on his penis." "Sometimes he'd corner you and flash it." "But then he'd always comp you a free lotto ticket." "Let's try and keep that sort of charming nostalgia out of our sales pitch." "That's the owner." "I scoped it out before you got here." "Remember, I'll do the talking." " Why don't I get to talk?" " Freckle penis." "And besides, I have more experience." "All who've pitched business models to Warren Buffett as a member of the Phillips Exeter Entrepreneurs Club, raise their hand." "Holla." "If you care enough to raise your arms about it fine, you talk." "I won't say anything." "Hi, what can I get for you?" "Hi, I'm Caroline." "And this is my business partner, Max." "And you are?" " Semhar." " Oh, jeez." "Such a pretty name." "It means "light of the tiger" in Sanskrit." "Oh, jeez." "It's my yoga name." "Help me, God." "Well, Semhar, we just opened a local neighborhood cupcake company." "Our card." "We're introducing our exciting product to local boulangeries." "Please try a sample." "Max?" "Would you like coconut coffee, chocolate curry or blueberry lemon zest?" "My absolute fave is the coconut coffee." "Let's start with that, shall we?" "Thank you, but no thank you." "Well, can I ask you why?" " They're not pretty enough." " Excuse me?" "They're not pretty enough." "Perhaps if you tried one, you'd see how amazing our flavor palate is." "Hold off, Flava Flav." "What do you mean, they're not pretty enough?" "They have a charming, homemade look." "But my customer would prefer a more upscale, prettier product." "Just FYI, some upscale residents in this very upscale building where your upscale store actually is located, recently told us they were fabulous." "I understand, but they're not pretty enough." "Listen, Battlefield Earth." "This is Williamsburg, Brooklyn, and no amount of exposed brick and paint can change the fact that right where you're standing I've seen Tommy O'Hanlon's wingwang more times than I care to remember." "And I must say, it was way less offensive than your attitude." "And you can shove that up your upscale." "Let's go." " Namaste." " Namaste." "What's with the empty hands, Max?" "No cupcakes tonight?" "They were bugging me." "Decided to take a night off." "Be careful with decisions like that." "In 1987, I took a night off from Earth, Wind and Fire and the next day, they Earth, Wind and fired my ass." "Hi." "Sorry I'm late." "Mid-afternoon nap in your vagina?" "I wish." "No." "I went to a cheap bakery-supply store in Greenpoint and got us some supplies." "Here." "It's the basic cake decorating kit." "And best of all, I found us a fun, reasonable two-session cupcake decorating class at a bakery We can learn how to make pretty roses." "No way." "The cupcakes don't need to be pretty." "They compensate by having a great sense of humor." "Pretty cupcakes is just another option for our business." "People want pretty, we do pretty, or people want homemade, we do" " Wait, where is our homemade?" " I didn't make any tonight." "You didn't make any?" "You get one piece of constructive criticism and you stop making them?" "Max, it's business, and maybe Semhar has a point about making them pretty." "First of all, what does she know about pretty?" "The woman has dreadlocks." "Her head looks like the stuff you empty out of a vacuum cleaner bag." "Not pretty." "Forget her." "What's happening with you?" "What's your problem with pretty?" "Don't wave your Divas Live hand at me." "I think society is way too concerned with other people's idea of what's pretty." "You don't think you can do it." "That's what this is about." "It's not society." "You're afraid you can't do pretty." "Look, I don't do pretty the way you don't do Puerto Ricans." "What are you talking about?" "I'll do Puerto Ricans." "All right." "Then go do one and leave me alone." "Max, it's a skill, that's all." "It's not shameful to not know how to do something." "Didn't you have piano lessons growing up?" "Seriously?" "Ice skating?" "Closest I've come to blades on ice was when a pregnant girl pulled a knife on me at a hockey game." "Look, you and I have a business and this is a skill we need." "We're going to that class and we'll master making pretty roses." "I know you hate anything trendy so I found us a family-owned Italian bakery in Brooklyn." "Italians." "Good." "They'll know where to dump the body after I kill you." "First of all, welcome to Spice and Sugar." "We did a little twist on the traditional "sugar and spice."" "Putting spice first because..." "...we're Italian." " We're Italian." "And we always got the spice up front and a little in the rear." " Holla!" " Holla!" "Now are you embarrassed you ever said "holla"?" "My name is Stephanie, and this is my cousin Serena." "This bakery has been in our family for years and then we took it over, and made it..." ""--hot!" ""Hot!" "Let's go around and introduce ourselves and tell us why you came tonight." "Let's start with the cute guys." " Always" " Always" "I'm Steve." "I thought this would be fun for my bachelor party." "I'm getting married to Michael." "Right there." "So cute." "God bless." "And I'm Michael." " I'm Michael as well." " Michael." "So many Michaels." "And you are?" "Michael." "No, I'm Max." "Oh, she's funny." "So cute." "God bless." "And I'm Caroline." "I'm Max's partner." " Oh, so many gays tonight." " I know, right?" "No, I'm her business partner." "We have our own cupcake business in Williamsburg and I must say, we're doing very well." "Max is the baker, and I'm the business head." "We're here to increase our skill and take our business up to a level that's "hot" as well." "If you talk that much, no one will have time to learn anything." "I know, right?" "So where's your shop?" "Right now we're just working out of our apartment." " So no shop?" " Aw, that's sweet." " Cute." " Yeah, good luck." "God bless." " Can you say "jealous"?" " All right." "Let's start simple, with a pretty little icing flower." "Everybody pick up your piping bag with a straight edge tip." "But you guys can use your gay edge tip" "All right, everybody watch Stephanie." "You take the nail head and make a little U so you get little petals." "Do this five times." "And then, you have a pretty little five-petal flower." "Simple." "So cute." "How fun." "No." "You gotta start by making a U." "I did." "That's a U." "Serena, is that a U?" "Not a U." "Fine." "I'll start over." "That was a U. What, just because I don't have a quote-unquote "shop" I don't know a U?" "What's with the attitude?" "All right, let's leave." "Next time the gays giggle, we'll slide out." "No." "We're here to learn." " That looks good." " I suck." "I'm starting over." " Max, why'd you do that?" "It was good." " Not good enough." "You two not done yet?" "You have to master the little flower or when we do roses, you'll be screwed." " Right, coz?" " Oh, totally screwed." "Screwed, and not in the good way." "Could we convince them that slapping each other's face is the new high-five?" "Steve, oh, my God." "That rose is gorgeous." "Good for you." "All right, one more minute, and we'll display our roses." "Psst." "Steve." "Little help." "I choke at timed tests." "I got like a 40 on my SATs." "Damn it, Steve." "Look at this place." "There's no way these girls could have this much success in this economy." " The overhead on this building alone?" " What are you saying?" "I'm not saying mob money." "I'm just saying, maybe we'd have a shop too if we had mob money." "Shh!" "Keep it down." "Do you want to wake up tomorrow with Chestnut's head in your vagina bed?" "Time's up." "Let's see what you got." "What is that?" "There's like nothing there." "That's not a rose." " It's minimalist." " Uh-huh." "Whatev." "No, not "whatevs." Brilliant." "And I'd know, because when I was in Tokyo I had a private Japanese flower-arranging class with the head of the Ikebana Institute." "And he said I had a gift." "In his words:" ""Caroline."" "Whatev." "Okay, what about your friend there?" "Kind of ran out of time." "Ugh." "You had 20 minutes." "I thought you were the baker." "You need to be able to whip these out in 20 seconds if you want to succeed in your little bakery." ""I'd like a cupcake." "That'll be 12 hours."" " Right?" " Right." " And they have to be prettier than that." " Maybe you'll do better tomorrow." "Remember, your homework assignment is to bring in a cupcake with a pretty rose on it." "Ugh." "Right." "Like we're gonna come back and spend time with these Robert DeNir-hos." "Ugh." "That one stinks too." "Damn it!" "Max, forget it." "It's 3 a.m. Go to bed." "Don't say anything to me." "I am so mad at you right now." " What did I do?" " Everything!" "I used to love making cupcakes." "It was the one thing I could do without thinking." "Now all I'm doing is thinking." "Thinking that I stink at making cupcakes." "Well, stop it." "Who cares what they think?" "They're bitchy baking bullies." "We don't have to go back there." "And then what?" "I'll think my cupcakes weren't good enough for the rest of my life?" "You said we need the skill, then we need the skill." "I'm a lot of things, but not a quitter." "I'm gonna make a stupid, pretty cupcake if it kills me." "Or you." "You are going back with me." "We're gonna shove our pretty cupcake right up Snooki and her cousin's asses." "Now shut up, don't talk to me, and go back in your vagina." "I'm sorry you had to see that, Chestnut." "Ohh." "Not very pretty." "But at least you tried, Michael." "Just one question." "Are you sure that you're gay?" "Okay, Caroline." "Let's see your pretty rose." "I didn't do one." "Society is too concerned with other people's idea of pretty." " Whatevs." " Whatevs." "Okay, what about your baker there?" "She bail too?" "No." "Here it is." " Oh." "Mm-hm." "Max, that's so pretty." "I'm so proud of you." "Good work." "God bless." "Good for you." "How long did it take you?" "About three hours and 40 minutes, but I did it." "Just wanted to show you, and myself, I could make something pretty." "And now that I have..." "Oh!" "That cupcake wasn't me." "I don't do pretty." "But I did make each of you a cupcake that says what I feel about this cupcake class." "This one says "Bite me."" "This one says "Screw U."" " You see that U?" "That's a U." " Holla." "Well, good luck with that." "People don't want cupcakes that insult them." "Oh, my God." "Max, that's our thing." "I was wrong." "You were right." "We don't need to make pretty cupcakes." "Everyone does pretty." "We have to do what you do best." "Insult people!" "Yeah, who's gonna buy that?" "We will." "For our shower." "And really let us bitches have it!"