"BEAN" "We could just fire him." "He'll need three months' notice." "Stuff and nonsense." "Leave it to me." "I'll talk to the chairman and insist on Mr Bean's dismissal." "Back to the agenda." "The Grierson Gallery of California has recently received a private donation of fifty million dollars to buy Whistler's portrait of his mother from the Musée D'Orsay in Paris." "It is simply the most historic purchase made by an American gallery this century." "The greatest painting ever by an American artist is returning at last to America." "From now on Whistler's Mother lives here in Los Angeles where she belongs!" "When will we actually see her?" "The unveiling will be in about two weeks - you're all invited!" "They've asked us to send a scholar of great weight and substance to preside over the ceremony and stay on for two months for lectures and seminars." "Dr Rosenblum..." "Dr Cutler..." "You both hold high claim on this great honour." " The chairman's here, sir." " Excellent." "Send him in." "Run and fetch Mr Bean, will you?" " We're about to fire him." " Marvellous." "Mr Bean is the worst employee in the gallery's history." "Good afternoon, sir." "Sit down." "Before moving on to the major business," "I'd like to broach the question of Mr Bean." "Mr Bean has worked for us for many years." "And will for many more." "I employed this splendid young man when I did your job, Charles, and I'll resign if you go near him." "He's a fine young fellow." "Absolutely." "Quite right." "Moving on..." "The Grierson Gallery of California needs a representative of our great gallery." "They are looking for a scholar of the very highest standing." "I have therefore decided to recommend for the post... and the three months' sabbatical that goes with it... that splendid employee " "Mr Bean!" "Yes!" " All in favour?" " Yes!" "Excellent!" "Carried." "Our loss is America's gain." "David, the Royal National Gallery wants a guy called Bean to represent them." "Can't say I've heard of him." "The letter's signed by Dr Rosenblum and Cutler." "That's impressive." "They say, "he's a man whose incontrovertible genius" ""dwarfs our meagre talents."" "Rosenblum and Cutler said that?" "You asked for England's top man." "I delivered him." "It sounds like it." "However, before we confirm," "Bernice feels we'd get more media attention with someone from the entertainment industry." "I believe we could get..." "Jon Bon Jovi." "Jon Bon Jovi?" " To unveil Whistler's Mother?" " Yes." "I have nothing against Jon Bon Jovi." "He's had two great hairstyles in ten years, an achievement not to be sniffed at." "But, so far as I know, Mr Jovi knows nothing about 19th-Century Impressionism." "It isn't mentioned in his songs." " But David..." " This is not a rock video." "This is a great and serious work of art, and Dr Bean will give the occasion depth and dignity." "You're right." "We go with Bean." " But, George..." " No, David's our curator." "It's his decision, his responsibility, ultimately, his neck." " Where will he stay?" " I have an interesting idea." "Here?" "In our house?" "For two months?" "Oh-ho, David, suddenly there's no hotels in LA?" "No need to get excited." "This is the Royal National Gallery's top man." "I thought it'd be exciting to have him around to learn from, talk to..." "Do we know anything about our new best friend?" "They'd mention if he was a serial killer!" "Are you feeling lucky, punk?" " David, over my dead body!" " Ali..." "I'd like to put it on the table right now!" "This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity." "It'll be great for the kids." "You're kidding!" "It's gonna be great!" "Let's say there is a chart of the most intelligent people you've ever met." "Number one is Dr Bean." "Kevin, sometimes you ask me questions I can't answer." "Like, "What's an IUD?"" "More like, "What's the meaning of life?"" " I never asked you that." " That doesn't matter!" "What I'm saying is, Dr Bean is a remarkable man." "He could be very cute." "The guy's gonna be a creep!" "All Englishmen are ugly " "I look at Prince Charles and weep." "So he looks like Meatloaf's butt." "If we get lucky." "Jennifer, nobody is asking you to marry him." "Why have a family conference?" "Dad's made up his mind." "Perceptive child." "What's wrong with Meatloaf's butt?" "C'mon, it'll be great." "Dr Bean is a genius of the highest order." "Good evening." "No, sir." "You're in First Class." "Good evening." "Good evening, sir." "May I take your coat?" " Simple poster." "Nice and big." " A bargain at $9.99." " Spencer?" " Yes, sir." "Bath towel." "Pushing your luck a little." "It'll sell." "It's Whistler's Sister." "You are kidding." "No, sir." "We have a range for every member of the family." "Whistler's Mother's cookies." "Whistler's Father's beer mug." "Here's one for the younger brother range " "Whistler's whistle." "You blow up her ass." "Here, try." "I don't feel well." "I think I'm gonna be sick." "I think we're looking for a Brad Pitt look-alike." "Police!" "Move on him now!" "Watch it!" "Out of the way!" "A 415, man with a gun heading into Terminal Two!" "Get some people here!" "Police coming through!" "Lady, watch it!" "There he is!" "Everyone on the floor!" "Now!" " Not you, sweetie." " Oh, right." "Carefully take out your weapon, holding the butt with two fingers." "Slowly place it on the floor and take three steps back." " What is this?" " I don't know." "Weird." "Mr Bean, are you on any medication?" "Not that I know of." "Well, you could certainly use some." "So, Doctor..." "Bean." "Yes, OK, Dr Bean." "Well, you...you made it." "Nice flight?" "This is Kevin." "This is Jennifer." "She's very excited about meeting you." "My wife, Alison." "David, could I have the tiniest talk with you?" "All right." "We just..." "I appreciate he seems a little eccentric." "There are Martians exiled from Mars for looking weird who look less weird than him." " He has an original quality." " He goes." "Today." "That was amazing!" "Really cool!" "Can you do this?" "No, but I can do this." " How do you do that?" " Magic." " You'll tell him?" "Today?" " Yes." "Today seems a good day." "Well, sir." "An unorthodox start." "I guess I never expected things with a man of your calibre to be normal." "I've never read your writings." "What exactly is your position at the gallery?" "I sit in the corner and look at the paintings." "That is brilliant!" "If only more scholars would do that - just sit and look, not lecture, write and argue - just sit and look at the paintings." "Brilliant!" " Morning, Elmer." " Good morning, sir." "Dr Bean." "If you'd like to sign in, sir." "Thank you." "Welcome to the Grierson." "Welcome to my world." "We're expected in Grierson's office at 9am." "He doesn't like to be kept waiting, so..." " Do you mind...?" " Absolutely, you bet." "Doctor, we should go." "We're very late." "Oh, we..." "Doctor, if you're ready." "Ah, David, finally." "Our professor from across the sea." " George Grierson, Dr Bean." " I'm delighted, Doctor." " Actually, I'm not..." " A photo, sir?" "Hold it right there." "We've heard a lot about you." "We expect a great deal of you." "Bernice is in charge of PR." "An absolute honour, Doctor." "Walter Huntley, our merchandise manager." "Nice to meet you." "Take a seat, Doctor." "Let me take that." "This is very out-of-date." "Before we settle in, feast your eyes on these." "I'll be honest with you, Bean." " I like this." " It's beautiful, sir." " Over here." " Ok." "It's a lovely green there." "Good, down to business." "I've asked Bernice to run through the order of events." "Dr Bean, would you join us?" "No, I'll just..." "Very well." "Bernice." "Anything pertaining to media requirements has an asterisk." "i.e., glossy stills required by some favoured weeklies, that sort of thing." "The big day unfolds as follows:" "our generous benefactor General Newton arrives at 10am, then at 10.30 will be the unveiling in front of all media." "I assume all this merchandising will be available?" "Absolutely." "From fridge magnets to frisbees, we'll be ready." "It will probably be about 11am when the stage is set for Dr Bean." "Yes, right, we really..." "We should bring in the Doctor here." "Dr Bean?" "Doctor, we've inspected the schedule, and... if you would just look at yours over there." "The General arrives at 10am and unveils the picture at 10.30." "About eleven o'clock should be your speech." "I think twenty minutes should be long enough." " Don't you, Bernice?" " Absolutely." "You could fill hours, Doctor, but it would be best to keep it light." "Maybe some anecdotes about the painting of the picture, and why it is considered America's greatest painting." "Is that going to be enough, Doctor, 20 minutes?" "If you'll excuse me, I have lunch with the Mayor." "Not what I like, but duty calls." "Doctor, good to meet you." "It's a complex experience." "Enjoy your stay with David." "They're simple people, but warm." "David, may I have a private word?" "Ok." "Wait for me at the new acquisitions." "I'll join you shortly." "He's a genius, right?" " Yeah, he's eccentric, but..." " Yes!" "The unveiling of Whistler's Mother is the most important thing to happen at this gallery." "And Dr Bean was your choice." "Yes, I understand that." "Thank you, sir." "Dr Bean, when we get home..." "I wonder if you would mind giving me a moment with my wife?" "There's something we need to work out." "No problem." "I think just wait in here would be good." "Just ignore that." "Her mother gave it to us." "Huge sentimental value." "Just make yourself at home." "I'll be just a couple of minutes with Alison." "Doctor..." "I would actually not do that." "That's a limited edition." "It's delicate, so if you..." "Yeah, there would be good." "That's fine." "No Dr Bean?" " Actually, he is still here." " Jennifer, Kevin, Plan B!" "Luggage packed?" "What is Plan B?" "If Dr Bean isn't gone, we go to Grandma's." "Screwed up again, Dad?" "There was no time to raise the subject!" " Start the car, sweetie." " Wait a second." "Look..." "You look!" "I ask very little of you, but I did ask you to get rid of Dr Bean." "You have made your choice." "You two can stay here and come to grips with post-modernism, but I am taking our kids to Mother's." "Give him one last chance." "Just one." "Please." "OK." "Thank you." " All right." " Thanks." " Once you know him..." " Don't." " Hello, Doctor." " Hello." "That's not for the TV..." "Yeah..." "Well..." "There they go." "Well, Doctor, we got the whole weekend together." "Yeah, get to know each other, and..." "I was thinking tomorrow we might really do LA." "There's the Gallery of American Indian Art, the California State Gallery..." "The Rabowitz is the place for Abstract Expressionism." "Sound good to you?" "You have something else in mind?" "Incredible." "You set?" "Would you get another ticket?" "Could be more fun the second time around." "OK." "Brace yourself!" "Help me!" "He's a genius, huh?" "So they tell me." "Well, he looks like a fruitcake to me." "You'll take responsibility for his actions?" "You're a braver man than me, and I take on gangs armed with AK-47s." "Get him out of here." "I would love to kick his butt." "And the next time, I will." "Doctor, there is something we have to talk about." "I don't quite know how to put this." "What concerns me..." "Whoever that is, I'll get rid of them." " There he is!" " David, sorry we're late." "Traffic - terrible." "It gets worse and worse." "It's beautiful - the green!" " ..nobody in control." " The yellow!" "He doesn't have to drive." "Where is Alison?" "I've got bad news and good news." "The bad news is that Alison is visiting her mom, who is...not well." " That's too bad." " The poor thing." "The good news is, Dr Bean and I are cooking." " That's good news?" " Of course it is." "All the greatest chefs are men." "What's on the menu, maestro?" "How could I forget?" "What the hell are we going to give them?" "They expect something more formal." "An onion?" "On its own?" "That's for Thanksgiving." "Alison would kill me." "There must be something else." "Have you cooked one before?" "Oh, yes." "But it'd take five hours!" "Not necessarily." " What do you think, 20 minutes?" " How do I know?" "You sure this will work?" "Ok, put on some vegetables and say hello." "Maestro, my tastebuds are tingling with anticipation." "No, thanks." "We'll skip the appetiser." "So, Bean." "Big day Tuesday." "Your big day, my big day." "I have a question for you." "He's attentive to detail." "Everything must be... just so." "Bean, I think we need to be honest with each other." "I cannot deny that over the last days some suspicions have begun to gather in my mind." "I would like to ask some questions." "Number one: are you a doctor?" "No." "Number two." "Do you know anything about art?" "Well..." "Just, for instance..." "Was Leonardo da Vinci an American basketball player?" "Yes." " Hi, Dad." " Hi, Dad." "Hello, Doctor." " Bye, Dad." " Bye, Dad." "Hallo?" "Mr Grierson, yes." "He's in the shower with me." "Give it to me!" "Hello, Mr Grierson." "No, you misunderstood." "What time?" "She is?" "Thank you for calling me." " Ok." "Goodbye." " Bye." "Whistler's Mother has actually arrived in America." "Listen, I beg you, as a man whose entire career depends on you, behave rationally today." "There is no God." "What do you think?" "Nice frame." "Magnificent." "David, well done." "Worth every bright green buck." "She's something else, isn't she?" "Enjoy her while you can." "Soon we'll lock her away until the guy who paid $50 million for her turns up." " Elmer, a security meeting?" " Right, sir." "This is your key to the encasement system." "There are only two - I have the other one." "If it turns up missing, I'll know where to go." "If you could all join me at the security console." "Doctor, why don't you stay here?" "Maybe the real thing will inspire your speech." "Don't leave this room till I get back." "This chart maps all the security alarms." "The operation has a code name:" ""Operation Whistler's Mother"." "Not a snazzy title, but I think it works." "Fear not, gentlemen." "Nothing'll touch that painting, short of an earthquake." "Oh, no!" "We've gotta protect the painting without getting in the good doctor's way." "Seems to be a problem with the... door." "Where's the picture gone?" "What, what, what?" "Oh, Jesus!" "Oh, God!" "Jesus, God!" "Oh, Mary!" "Mother of Jesus!" "Jesus of Nazareth!" "Why am I worrying?" "You did it!" "All I have to do is tell them what happened!" "Then they'll say, "Who left him alone with the picture?"" "I say, "Me"!" "And they say, "You're fired."" "I say, "Fine."" "They say, "Prosecute him for negligence."" "My wife leaves me, my daughter becomes a prostitute." "I wind up on Death Row with Butch McDick!" "I gotta calm down." "Ok, give me one more look at the painting." "Oh, God!" "..rendering the underground ventilation ducts secure." " That's good to know." " Thank you, sir." "Do you drink, Bean?" " No." " Good." "Neither do I." "Bean..." "Carry on." "Do you want to know the reality of the situation?" "Because you moved into my house, my wife has moved out." "Yes, she did." "She might have moved out anyway, but..." "That is point one." "Point two..." "I've given my life to art." "From here on in, the only art I will get anywhere near are pictures I draw on the pavement, hoping passers-by will throw nickels in my hat." "The long and the short of it..." "I wish I'd never been born." "Yesterday," "All my troubles seemed so far away," "Now it looks as though they're here to stay." "Oh, I believe" "In yesterday." "Suddenly," "I'm not half the man I used to be." "There 's a shadow hanging over me" "I believe" "In yesterday." "Suddenly," "Row, row, row your boat Gently down the stream" "If you see a crocodile, Don't forget to scream." "Row, row, row your boat, Gently down the stream." "If you see a crocodile, Don't forget to screa..." "I can explain everything." "Ok, explain everything." "It's inexplicable." " Ali, listen..." " No, David." "The reason I came home was because I missed you." "And also because I live here, and they live here." "But we've been waiting for five hours!" "And we get a drunk and his friend from the Planet Zog!" "I know it seems like this horrible... situation... but if you could just hear my full horrific tale." "David, I think I'm gonna have to leave you." "You are?" "Well, then things really have gotten bad." "Yeah." "Hi, Beanie." " Can't sleep?" " No." "Me neither." "Can't stop thinking about naked women." " How about you?" " Whistler's Mother." "Whatever turns you on." "Catch you around, Moon Man." "If you still can't sleep, come to my room." "I've some great posters of Cindy Crawford." "Come on!" "God damn it!" "Oh, my God!" "Jennifer!" "No, no." "You're not getting on that bike." "Good morning, everyone." "No one's allowed on those death traps." "You promised." "You promised to get rid of Dr Freako!" "Don't talk to me!" "I'm thinking about what to do." " Well..." " Quiet!" "There they are." "What a pleasure, sir." "Welcome to our humble abode." "Not too humble, I hope." "I'm expecting lunch." " This way." " After you, sir." "Glad you made it!" "Where the hell have you been?" " Sorry, trouble at home." " Never mind." "Come along." "I'd like you to meet our curator." " Delighted..." " Of course you are." "Through here, sir." "Ladies and gentlemen, this is a great moment for America, and for one very special lady - Whistler's Mother." "She's here today thanks to our great benefactor." "Will you join me in saluting a soldier, philanthropist, loving father..." "Hear, hear!" "..and extremely generous patron of the arts, General Newton." "Thank you, ladies and gentlemen." "I am not a traditional art lover." "I can't distinguish between a Picasso and a car crash." "But I love my country and I can't stand the idea of Frenchies owning America's greatest painting." "Let's get on with it." "Welcome home, Ma." "Whatever you did, you're a genius, and I love you." " It's a poster." " It's a what?" " David, it's time." " Time for what?" " The speech." " What speech?" "Dr Bean's speech." "Of course, the speech." "Doctor, keep it below an hour." "A joke in it would be nice." ""Good Morning, America" couldn't give a monkey about "isms"." "You know what I mean." " It needn't be long." "Just..." " Dr Bean, we're ready." "Just, just, just..." "For the second highlight of our day," "Dr Bean, English art scholar, will speak for a few minutes - not too long - about our new purchase." "Ladies and gentlemen," "Dr Bean of the National Gallery of England." "Bravo!" "Well, hello." "I'm Dr Bean...apparently... and my job is to sit and look at paintings." "Just him and the painting?" "What have I learnt that I can say about this painting?" "Well, firstly, it's quite big." "Which is excellent." "Because if it was really small - you know, microscopic - then hardly anybody would be able to see it, which would be a tremendous shame." "Secondly... and I'm getting quite near the end now of this analysis of this painting." "Secondly..." "Why was it worth this man here spending fifty million of your American dollars on this portrait?" "The answer is..." "Well, this picture is worth such a lot of money because... it's a picture... of Whistler's Mother." "And, as I've learnt by staying with my best friend," "David Langley, and his family, families are very important." "And even though Mr Whistler was perfectly aware that his mother was a hideous old bat who looked like she had a cactus up her backside... he stuck with her, and even took the time to paint this amazing picture of her." "It's not just a painting." "It's a picture of a mad old cow who he thought the world of." "And that's marvellous." "That's what I think." "Ok, let's seal it up." "Home and dry." "Where did you put the original?" "Mr Langley, may I have a word?" "Stay here." "Shut up." " Mr Langley..." " I can explain." " Explain what?" " About the painting." " What painting?" " "Whistler's Mother"." "I'm here as a police officer, not as an art lover." "Your daughter's been in a motorcycle accident." "Damn!" "Request emergency clearance for 8-0-9 Adam." " No!" " Shut up!" "Suspect male, possibly armed." "Request back-up." "Keep speeding." "If you get a ticket, I'll tear it up." "Easy, fella, hold it!" "Halt!" "Put the gun down." "Jennifer Langley's room." "She came in about 11 o'clock." "Motorcycle accident." "She's on the fifth floor." "Take the elevator." "Just..." "All right." "I..." "Please, just stay here and do nothing!" "If you do nothing, nothing can go wrong." "I've got to take care of my family." "The nurse says that it's not a coma, that she's just sorta taking time out." "But we haven't seen a doctor yet, so I don't..." "Dr Jacobson, you're needed urgently in Or-3." "I'm due in Number 4." "A ruptured kidney and massive bleeding." "OK." "Yes, it's urgent." " What's happening?" " Surgeon's on his way." "At last, Dr..." "Bean." "We've got a 45-year-old male brought in 10 minutes ago." "He's got a penetrating injury to the chest." "In there now!" "Doctor, it looks like a bullet in the lower thorax." "There's severe inner bleeding." " He's coming to." " Give me a T-70." "Shall I extend the incision, sir, from the breastbone to the diaphragm?" "Sorry, sir, it's only my first week." "You're right." "We'll wait for X-rays." "Help." "We are losing this guy." "We need help." "Watch he doesn't go into haemodynamic shock." "He's fibrillating!" "Charge the paddles." "Clear!" "What's that?" "What?" "Jolly good." "Clean it up." "Sorry to keep you waiting." "back to the bleeding." "We'll clamp it off." "We need that J-17 right now." "There's too much blood." "More suction, pack the bleeding!" "Pressure's bottoming out." "His heart rate's dropping!" "We're losing him!" "He's crashing!" "Where is this bullet?" "We find it or he's dead." "I am not going to lose him!" "Sir, I've got to get in there!" "Doctor, you can't just..." "This is too dangerous!" "My God!" "Incredible." "Heart rate stabilising." "Blood pressure's back." "Doctor, thank God." "My daughter was in an accident." "We're desperate for some medical attention." "Would you mind?" " The doctor will check her out." " Thank God." "Damage to the brain is sensitive to observe, so maybe we should step outside." "The first nurse said it's more like a deep sleep than a coma." "Jennifer?" "Wakey, wakey." "Breakfast's ready." "Jennifer?" "What time is it?" "It's almost 2." "Can you turn the clock back about 12 hours for me?" "Sure." "Wake up, wake up!" "Wake up!" "I don't know what to say about Bean." "He's clearly a Force 10 disaster area, but" " God help me!" "" "I like him." "Having said that, there is no reason why any of you should have anything to do with him again." "Mom!" "Dad!" "Anyone?" "My God!" "Jennifer!" "Honey!" "Look at you!" " What happened?" " You had an accident." "But everything is gonna be Ok." "What happened to Stingo?" "He'll be fine..." "till I get my hands on him." "Doctor, where are you going?" "How can we ever say thank you?" "You've made us so happy." " We'll do anything." " Anything." "I suppose you could let me stay another week." "Sunset Boulevard!" "What's this all about?" "Presents!" "This is heavy." "Thank you." " Thanks." " Thanks." "Look, laxatives." "A whole box of them!" " There they are!" " Six of them." "Barbie!" "Thanks!" "What did you get?" "Smile!" "Give us a smile." "Bye-bye!" "Bye, Beanie!" "See ya!" "Farewell!" "Well, Beanie, it's been... ..surreal." "You can come back and visit any time... ..in the fairly distant future." "I know it sounds insane, but I'm really gonna miss you." "OK..." "OK." "Bye again." "Yes, I normally stay till the end as well." "Bye." "You can go now if you..." "if you wish." "Oh, dear me." "Bye."