"(liquid bubbling)" "(timer dings)" "All right, clockwise, honey." "Don't fight it." "Let me make you." "What... is that?" "This is the only thing us Miller men know how to make." "And we call it The Sauce." " It stinks." " It doesn't stink." "Fawn is coming over for a midnight fondue supper." "There's no chocolate or cheese on this earth that makes a cube of bread pop like The Sauce." "Your girlfriend's coming over for the first time, and you asked Nick to cook?" "True, normally food à la Nick would be less appealing to me than licking the floor of a beach bathroom." "But I want Fawn to have the best, and The Sauce is the best." "Good for you... when you said "Fawn" and then "fondue,"" "I definitely thought you were headed in the direction of..." "Step one: fondue." " Step two: do Fawn." " That's not bad." "Yeah, I was, like, "Fondue is Fawn done."" "(snickers) Th-These are all good." "Hey, has anybody heard for Cece?" "'Cause she hasn't answered any of my texts, and I'm starting to get worried." "Jess is starting to find your behavior..." ""suspicious."" "That's a police word." "It's not a police word, Winston." "It's a very common word." "And you know why I'm keeping my distance." "I like Schmidt." "For the second time!" "I know how many times." "Ah." "Ah." "If you could see my face right now," "I'm smiling, and I'm saying, "Ah."" "And if Jess finds out, she's gonna want to get involved, and I don't want her involved because there's nothing that she can do." "Look, if you act suspicious, then she's gonna be suspicious, all right?" "Look, don't slink your head in the dumps." "You got to raise your hand with the sunshine wh-where people walk, you know?" "Because that's what the whole point of the... when the... (stammers) if you can lead 'em to water, but you can't make a sound, right?" "Look, just call her." "Fine, okay, I'll call her." "But... and listen to me, she cannot find out." "Under no circumstance." "Okay, baby." "Look, your secret is safe with me." "That being said," " I am not a smooth man." " Yeah, I get that." "Did I do something to piss Cece off?" "Oh, Schmidt, you have something on your pants." "Ah!" "It's a spider!" "(shrieks)" "Jess, why did you do that?" "You know how he gets..." "He turns into a cartoon elephant of yesteryear who just saw a mouse." "Which is offensive in present day 'cause it seems like a gay stereotype they tried to sneak by us." "(imitates elephant trumpeting)" "(with lisp): "Where's my balance ball?" "There's a mouse loose in the house."" "SCHMIDT:" "Where is it?" "We've got to hunt it down." " We got to have a spiderhunt." " We're not having one of those." " No, dude, no more spiderhunts." " Guys, they're all over me!" "This is childish, and you need to get over it." "Jess, would you please?" "You know this fear comes from a very real place... 1999." "American Pie was sweeping the nation." "And everybody was doing it with pies." "I just happened to accidentally fall asleep right afterwards." "And when I awoke, the dried apple filling was... it just had attracted so many spiders, and they were all over it, and I..." "Okay, everyone was doing it with pies?" "Well, Y2K was an uncertain time." " I don't know "everyone," Jess." " I might have dabbled." " Fawn can't see me like this." " Fawn won't care." " Jess, I'm embarrassed... for her to see me in this state." " You're fine..." " It's embarrassing... just a little spider!" " You're fine." "And there it is!" "I just saw it!" " Get off the table." " We'll do the spiderhunt." " Fawn can't see you like this." " There it is!" "It's right there..." "It's licking it's lips." " So I'm finally e-mailing that girl, May." " Nice." " Here's what I got so far." " Mm-hmm." ""Dear May." "Lay down on me."" "Well, th-then what?" "You met this woman weeks ago..." "I can't believe you haven't e-mailed her." "Just text her." "COACH:" "If I had her number, I would text her." "She gave me her e-mail." "And now I have to write how I feel." "Which is weird, it's like..." "I-I like her." "Much." "You like her much?" "All right." ""Girl, it's warm today." ""Yesterday was warm, too." "Yeah."" "Yeah, I'm gonna write, "Yeah."" "You're happy about this?" "Damn it, no, it doesn't feel right." "Yeah, just hold it down, hold it down." "Okay, you guys know the drill." "We split up into teams, and we hunt this spider." " Why can't we just call an exterminator?" " Yes." "They've all blocked Schmidt's calls since the dandelion incident." "It moved like a spider, Nick!" "(cell phone rings)" "(gasps)" "I don't know a Cece." "(chuckles) Yeah, I do." "How the hell are you?" "Jess, please, hurry up, we're on a hunt!" "It could be right above our heads right now." "Hanging from its butt-rope." "Come over." " I can't." " Why not?" "Did I do something?" "Are we in another purse thing that I don't know about?" "No, no, Jess, of course it's not you." "It would just be... an honor." "I'll be right there." "Great, wear shoes that you don't mind getting spider guts on." "Bye." "So... what's going on with Cece?" "Well, I had to beg her like a nerd, but she's finally coming over." " Oh, she's coming over." " Yeah." " Good, man." " Took a lot of cajoling." " That's cool." " Normally, it's, like, she'll come over all the time." "But now it's diff..." "I don't know why that would be the case at all, but that's cool..." "I respect the decision for her to come over." "Why are you acting weird?" "I'm acting weird?" " Mm." " Do you know something?" "Do...?" "You..." "I'm not a smooth man." "Is she mad at someone?" "Ah... no." "No." "No, she's not mad at anyone." "It's the opposite." "Mm." " It's the opposite?" " That's not what I said." "You said, "No, no, she's not mad at anyone." "It's the opposite."" "I said, "Whoa, whoa." ""Cheese is bad e'ryone." "Let's stop and spit."" "The opposite of mad is... (gasps) Does she like someone?" "What would make you assume that would be...?" "I can hear it." "I can hear it building its house." "Building its sticky, deadly house that you can never leave." "Building it." "With its ass." " We're breaking up into two-person teams." " Cece." "Each team has one Smusher and one Jar-Man." "Nick, I'm gonna make you a Smusher since you have to stir." "Hey, am I stirring right now?" "Or is my arm still, and the world is stirring?" "Coach, you're a Jar-Man." " Mm." " You're with Schmidt." "Cece, with your delicate little hands, you're a born Jar-Man." " Okay." " Which means I need to pair you up with a Smusher." " I smush." " That'd be me." " Smusher for life." " You're such a Jar-Man." "You don't even know you're a Jar-Man, Jar-Man." " Yeah, you are." " You're a born J-man." "Come on, Winston." " Uh, Cece." " Yeah." "Before we get started, you want to have a quick" "Jar-Man strategy session?" "A little Jar-Jar strat sesh?" "Are you winking or farting?" "The only strategy is... find the spider, kill the spider, mount the spider's head on top of the roof so all the other spiders know." "All right." "And spiderhunt!" " Spiderhunt!" " Spiderhunt!" "You find that thing..." " you-you make sure that it's done." " That's the plan, that's..." "Okay." "Hey, what do you think Jess and Cece are talking about?" "Oh, probably that stupid movie theater popcorn machine that Cece wants me to get for the bar." "She keeps haranguing me about it." ""Popcorn machine, popcorn machine."" "Look, I don't know what void" "Cece's trying to fill in her life..." "I don't know, either." "Why would I know?" "You know, I don't know what void she's trying to fill." " It's all she wants to talk about." " Oh." "Stupid movie theater popcorn machine." "I'm like, "Shut up, dude." (timer dings)" "You put bologna in your Bolognese?" "Where else would it get its name?" "Trick question... it gets it from the mayonnaise." "(chuckling):" "Yeah, yeah." "You got it." "Do you think a good subject line is, "The Inside of You"?" "Hey, you know, I bet I could spot this spider a lot better if I was on your shoulders." "Do not ask me again to get on my shoulders." "That's a once-a-year thing, and you already used it on Halloween, when we were ten-foot-tall Ralph Macchio." "(elevator bell dings)" "SCHMIDT:" "Ow!" "Damn it!" "That was cool." "I didn't like that." "I could feel your genitals on the back of my neck like an airplane pillow." "Okay, you know what?" "How about this?" "I'm not sure why he did it but I sure am glad that God rearranged the letters in yam to... create something even sweeter." " What?" " May." "Oh, May, yeah." "Yeah, all right." "Keep going, keep going." "Oh, dear God." "It's left the web to feed." "All right, I'll put that." "Seems like a weird thing to say." "Lots of bars have popcorn machines." "I really think that people would dig it." "They're not that expensive." "And everybody loves fresh popcorn." "Do you like somebody in the loft?" "Winston." "Okay, what did he tell you?" "He told me you like someone but he won't name names." "Is it Schmidt?" "Do you like Schmidt again?" "No." "No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no." "Absolutely not." "No." "Who is it then?" "Who?" "I want to tell you." "I want to tell you so, like, so badly..." "You know me..." "I want to tell you so bad, I just, um," "I'm very sorry, but I can't." "Right, right, right, right, you can't tell anybody... except freaking Winston!" "That slow puzzler!" "I know." "I'm lower down on the food chain" " No!" " Than Officer Cat Fancy?" "!" "No." "No, no, no, no." "It's just I know that you would do anything to help me, and in this situation, you know, there's just nothing to be done." "And we both know that you would just want to get involved." "Well, I can stay uninvolved." "I want to tell you, but I can't." "I just can't." "Okay." "That's fine." "Okay." "That's cool, that's cool." "New teams!" "You have to tell me who she likes." "There are no secrets between Jar-Man and Smusher." "Please!" "She's my best friend." "You have to tell me." "Okay." "Look, Jess... she likes me." "It's me she wants." "(both laughing)" "Not even for a second." " I thought I was convincing." " Yeah." "I need you to close your eyes and taste it." "Okay." "Oh..." "Oh, Nick..." "It's legit terrible." "Well, you taste for texture not taste you big old..." "Not really what I was looking for at this stage." "Definitely affects my confidence." "(gasps)" "Wait." "Wait!" "The only person that Cece could like that she wouldn't want to tell me about... is Nick!" "Uh..." "Does Cece like Nick?" "Does Cece like...?" "JESS:" "Oh, my..." "No... you guessed it." "How you did that?" "Oh, my God." "My ex-boyfriend and my best friend?" "(groans)" "I feel like..." "Brenda when Kelly dated Dylan!" "Or the other way around." "Now I know those are the characters from the original 90210." "But that's about my ceiling." "Dylan... was his nickname the Peach Pit?" "'Cause I remember..." "I remember that being a whole thing." "I'm sorry, I'm a little wound up." "You should be wound up because the Peach Pit used to be yours, but now Brenda want a slice." "Everybody trying to get a slice of that Peach Pit." "You have every right to be mad," "Jess, but just do it quietly." "You know, just do it on the low, do it in here." "30 seconds, and you haven't brought up the popcorn machine." "Yeah, well, I guess I'm just gonna have to drop it." "You know, even Jess didn't want to hear about it, and she'll listen to Schmidt discussing Andy Cohen discussing Bethenny discussing NeNe." "Well, great, I'm glad that's behind us." "Yeah." "Now let's never speak of popcorn machines again." "Cece and Nick?" "Cece likes Nick?" "I mean, I guess I understand it 'cause they're at the bar together and once you start sharing tips," " where does the sharing end?" " Look..." "Jess, it's not that big of a deal." "Because we all just cats and dogs at the end of the day." "What about Schmidt?" "Schmidt's Nick's best friend, and Schmidt and Cece have a history." "Look at the memory on you." " I'm gonna have to help Schmidt through this." " No, no, no, no, no, no." "Look, Jess, you can't talk to Schmidt about Cece liking Nick." " Come on." " No, you're right." "I have to talk to Cece first." "Right, you got to talk to Ce..." "No, wait, no." "No, no, no, no, no, no, no." "Jess, you can't talk to Cece because Cece, you know, and Nick, they just won't work. 'Cause I was talking to Nick." "He said, "Winston." I was like, "What's up, Nick?" He said..." "What?" "He said she ugly." "He said what?" "!" "Yeah, he said she look like a dang ol' meatball with hair." "New teams!" "JESS:" "You know who's great?" "Cece." "One of our finest." "Lovely woman." "And she has so much to offer." "Is that what this is about?" "She sends you to sell me on it?" "No, Nick." "She doesn't know I'm talking to you at all." "Wait." "You guys have talked about it?" "All the time." "But I thought she and I had come to a decision." " Which is?" " It's not happening." "Well, why not?" "'Cause I'm not interested." "And I know it's not cool to say, but..." "I don't like the way it would look." "People are gonna say what they're gonna say." "They're not reasons" " not to go through with it." " Fine." "You want to know my biggest concern?" "My biggest concern is the smell." "The smell?" "The smell of it." "Yeah, and it's not Cece's fault." "I mean, they all smell." "I've told her that." " You told Cece you think all women..." " Don't make this" " a feminist thing..." " It..." "I'm not making it a feminist thing." "How?" "They smell terrible." "It's common knowledge." "I thought your biggest concern would be how it affected the people around you." " I mean, sure, a bunch of old drunks will grab at it..." " But if your biggest concern is the smell, I'm sure that's highly manageable." "Yeah, I guess there's, like, special solvents and soaps." "I-I haven't read up on it that much." "You know, but you got to really get in there and scrub it out." "It's disgusting." "You know, 'cause of the daily wear and tear and... oil and grease just cooking in there." "It's enough to make a man barf thinking about it." "I mean, they get really hot." " I know what temperature it gets." " Hot.." "But if I'm being honest, you know..." "And I haven't talked to her about this... but..." "I do have good memories associated with the smell." "Ball games, the circus, hanging with my dad." "Listen here, you idiot." "I've known Cece a very long time, and I can promise you" " the smell will not be a problem." " That's really easy for you to say 'cause you're not the one who's gonna have to remind her to clean it all the time." "I promise you, if it becomes a problem..." " I will remind her." " Well, if you remind her and she doesn't do it," "I don't want you sneaking around and cleaning it yourself." "(scoffs) Nick." "I'm a good friend, but I am not that good of a friend." ""...that a dream house is a house, but a dreamboat is a person."" "I mean, it does speak to the soul." "Hey, what are these?" "I've always wondered." " Those are grapes." " Uh, they're our glass grapes, bro." " Grapes?" " Brings the whole, like, room together." "What the hell they doing in the loft?" "Cece, um, do ladies have loins?" "You know, it's like I've never looked around this house before." "Skimboards, a boxing glove." "Who in this loft has been to a single Coachella, let alone six of them?" "Don't tell Cece that we talked." "She doesn't want me getting involved." "Of course she does, she just didn't think you were into the idea, okay?" "She really values your opinion." "What if you guys had a r... a r-real talk?" "You know, outside of the bar." "All right." "We'll talk, just the two of us, outside the bar." "I'm proud of you, Nick." "Just make sure she makes her case about facts and figures." "And no more of this, "Come on, Nick, it tastes so yummy" crap." "New teams!" "♪ I want to do something freaky to you... ♪" "♪ ♪ No one can resist my "Get Frisky" playlist, guys." "Just give in." "Give in." "I support it." ""To whom it may concern."" " That's good." " I like that." "Wait a minute, is your e-mail address owwMeSoErnie@coolidge?" " Still?" " Yeah, man." "Picked it in college." "It's just gonna follow me from job to job, ISP to ISP." "We've been everywhere together, brotha." " Never done .org or a .gov." " Oh." " I would never do that." " Right." "But every other damn domain." "You can't e-mail a girl like May from an e-mail address like owwMeSoErnie." "Although, you did got a job at a school, so, what do I know?" "I must really like this girl, huh?" "Okay, it says here, we need "a murder of peppercorn," and a... and "some of that flat Jew bread"?" "Miller family!" "Murder is over there." "(gasps)" "♪ ♪ it could be something really beautiful, and you-you won't know unless you try." "Okay!" "Jess!" "You don't have to trap me in your room." "We will, on a trial basis, rent a popcorn machine." "Okay?" "(sniffing)" "Something's wrong with my Sauce." "My Sauce!" "Hey." "Hey." " You...?" " I..." " With him?" " ♪ Good times!" "♪" "Winston." "Wh-Where'd it go?" "How long has this been unstirred?" "!" "40 seconds. 45 tops." "Is it 40 or 45?" "Spider!" "(yelling)" " Schmidt!" "Schmidt!" " Whoa!" " Come on, man!" " No!" "Aah!" "(yelling) Hey!" "Hey!" " Hey, it's gone." " Get him!" "It's gone." "It's gone." "It's gone." "It can't hurt you." " It can't hurt you." " Where is... where is the body?" "!" "He was headed straight for The Sauce!" "Can you imagine how powerful that spider would've become had he entered my Sauce?" " Did I break it?" " You sent all 15 drafts of my e-mail to May." "She's gonna think I'm crazy." "WINSTON:" "Way I see it, we got two options. (sighs)" "All right, well, what are the two options, man?" "I mean, you know, just, you got to just dive in, you know?" "No, you don't have any options." "I don't have any options." " Sometimes you don't have to talk." " I'm really sorry, Coach." "I-I'll make it up to you." "But the good news is, is we got that spider, huh?" "Don't have to worry about that thing anymore." "What?" "What are you guys trying to tell me?" "So, it is Schmidt?" "Yeah." " I'm sorry I didn't tell you, but..." " No, it's okay." "It's okay." "Look, I promise I won't tell him." " Nobody's gonna tell him." " Okay." "NICK:" "Hey, somebody tell him." "You tell him, but easy." " Tell him." " COACH:" "I don't want to tell him, dude." "You tell him." "We're all his best friends." "Tell him." "I think I'm pretty good with it now." "Hey, Schmidt, I..." " I mean, spiders and all." " NICK:" "Tell him!" "WINSTON:" "I don't want to tell him." "NICK:" "Somebody just tell him!" "Guys, just tell me." " You're being so dramatic right now." " You have a spider on your face." "What are you talking about?" "(loud, high-pitched screaming)" "SCHMIDT (high-pitched scream):" "I touched it!" " Get it off!" " Okay." " Oh!" "Don't touch me!" "(indistinct chatter)" "Don't touch me!" "Get it off!" "Get it off of me!" "Get it away from me!" "Get it off!" " Get it off!" " Hey, hey, the spider." "Get it off!" "Don't touch!" " Hello." " Don't touch!" "Get it off of me!" "Get it...!" "Schmidt." " Hold still." " COACH:" "Aah!" " Oh!" "Oh!" " WINSTON:" "Oh..." "SCHMIDT:" "Ah!" "What's up now, spider?" "Vote Moscato!" "(laughing):" "Well, it can't hear you." "But, seriously, vote Moscato." "So, that guy, huh?" "Yeah." "Can you blame me?" "He's perfect." "FAWN:" "And when is dinner?" "Is it, um...?" " NICK:" "The Sauce!" "Sauce." " The Sauce." " Yeah. 'Cause Fawn's hungry." " COACH:" "My e-mails." "I'm about to pick you up with a tissue like you wouldn't believe!" "So, what's the plan?" "Jess." "I'm gonna pick you up with a tissue so hard!" "He's happy." "He has a girlfriend." "SCHMIDT:" "Yeah, spi-spider!" "I know, but it's you, and Fawn kind of scares me." "Let this be a warning to all your other little, uh, spider friends hiding out, too." "(Schmidt continues) I know that would do anything for anybody, but right now, I just need you to... be there for me and hold my hand, okay?" "That's all." "Little half-insects, half-lobsters." "Ah..." "I really want to do something." "Don't go up the spout if you can't handle the rain, s-spider!" "Okay, well, you've done it." "The perfect burn of the dead bug." " Yeah, that's right." " Now stop. (quietly):" "Okay." "The Sauce is shockingly great." "FAWN:" "This tastes like the inside of a bear, and that is a compliment, my friend." "SCHMIDT:" "All right." "I..." "Oh." "Oh." "May responded to my e-mails." ""I appreciate how much effort you put into these." "I'd love to go out."" " Hey." " Great." "All right." " There you go." " Yeah!" "Uh, you're welcome." "This is great guys, right?" " To Fawn." " Oh." "SCHMIDT:" "A woman who likes me not in spite, but because of my flaws." "I do like you." "But I hate your flaws." "And to all my friends." "In the spiderhunt of life..." "I sure am glad that we're a team of six." " Cheers!" " Hey!" "Hey!" "To those who..." "Okay." "No, that's good." " And thank you." " Thank you." "Thank you." "COACH:" "All right, here we go." " SCHMIDT:" "Ow." " Oh." "Yeah, sweep the leg, Johnny." "Oh, God." "All right." "Get off of me."