"Okay, sweetie." "Okay, here we go." "Are you sure you know what you're doing?" "Would you relax, please?" "I'm gonna give you a quick jerk, and I'm gonna put your vertebrae back into alignment." "Okay, look, look, it's not that I don't trust you..." "I would never say that while your arm is around my neck..." "But it's just that I don't want to spend the rest of my life with a helper monkey." "Would you relax, please?" "Your neck is very tense." "Okay, here we go." "We're gonna do it on three." "Ready?" "One, two..." " Oh, look, Lennox is here!" " Hey!" " Oh, hurray!" " This is not over, all right?" " I will crack you." " What are you doing home so late, honey?" "Oh, Evita's class ran long." "She was done with her lecture, but we wouldn't let her leave." "Everybody just wanted more." "She's such a brilliant professor." "That reminds me of when I was in business school." "We had this amazing professor there, and one day..." "He actually got sick, and he asked me to take over the class for him." "And the other students, they would just not let me stop talking." "They were like, "give us more, give us more."" "So..." "It was the same thing." "Yeah, that's definitely the same thing, except Evita Freeman is one of the up-and-coming sociologists in the entire country." "Today's lecture was genius." "Private Property:" "America's Greatest Evil." "Ooh, America's Greatest Evil." "Is Howie Mandel still hosting that show?" "Okay, I understand if you don't get it." "It's been a long time since you were in college." "It's a world of exciting new ideas." "Yeah, I just work in city government, the world of actually doing stuff." "Ladies, ladies, come on." "There's no reason to pick one over the other." "Both government and a liberal arts education..." "Don't actually do anything." "And why do you have to take a sociology class anyway?" "You're a government major, inspired by your distinguished aunt." "Oh no, I don't have to take the class." "I chose to." "Well, those government classes can be a little dry, but they do help me catch up on my sleep." "I was laughing at something else." "Okay, well, anyway, I've got so much reading to do for Evita's class." "It's all so fascinating." "Yup, there it is." "Looks likes Lennox has found her super prof." " What do you mean?" " You know, at some point in every college student's life, they meet that professor that blows their mind." "You know, lights up their world." "Please." "She probably has a big bowl of candy at her desk." "Wait a minute now." "Is someone..." "Maybe a little threatened by Lennox's professor?" "Maybe a little." "But it's hard, Joe." "You don't know what it's like to be put up on a pedestal." " You never want to come down." " Mmm." "Don't worry about it." "I'm sure this infatuation with her professor is only temporary." "It's really as traditional as frat guys duct-taping a bunch of freshmen together and leaving them in the middle of the quad." "Not that I ever did that." "You're right, you're right." "Lennox is still a government major." "You know, we should be grateful that she's not having an affair with one of her married professors." "Not that I ever did that." "Hey there." "Hey, I hear the fish are biting in the living room." "Legend has it there's an 80-lb trout called king nasty what lives under the stairs." "That is so funny." "No, all this gear is for my father-daughter bonding trip with Dani." "We're gonna be going white-water rafting camping underneath the stars, eating fish that we caught ourselves..." "Or..." "Energy bars that we bought ourselves." "That sounds fun." "I still don't have to go, right?" "No, honey, you made it very clear that until nature comes up with a quilted, two-ply leaf, that you're not gonna be reporting for camping duty." "See what I did there with the "duty"? "Doo"..." "No, look, don't get me wrong." "I love nature." "The four seasons..." "Especially the one in Chicago." "They put the salty little caramels on your pillow." "Yeah, well, this trip is actually very important for my relationship with Dani, because she's been here two months and she still calls me "Joe."" "She has not called me "Dad," not even once." "Well, why don't you just ask her to call you "Dad"?" "No, it doesn't count if you have to ask somebody." "That's like asking someone to say, "I love you,"" "or asking someone to tell you how great the chicken parm was you made last night." "Oh yeah, that reminds me, the chicken parm last night was delicious!" "Yeah, you see?" "That was meaningless." "My point is I'm just hoping this wilderness trip will be the right setting for us to bond and for her to just spontaneously call me "Dad."" "I can see that happening." ""There's a bear chasing me!" "Help!" "Dad!"" "Fingers crossed." "Hey!" "Honey." "My Barolo Travato?" "Come on, I was saving this for our anniversary." "If you're gonna drink, would you just choose something less expensive, please, like that "$3 holler"?" "Oh, so any time there's an empty bottle of wine laying around, you automatically assume it's..." "Okay, fair enough." "But this one wasn't me." "W..." "Lennox!" "I thought she knew better than that." "What's up?" "I'm busy." "Evita needs me to read her galley proofs for her new book." "It's called The Cultural Shame of Money." "Yeah, I'm gonna wait for the movie on that one." "Listen, we have a question for you." "Yeah, if you're gonna have your college friends over here and drink our wine, next time, can you please choose the cheap stuff?" "None of my friends have been over, and besides, we only drink craft beer." "I mean if we were to drink sometime in the future when we were all 21 years of age." "Well, if it wasn't you and it wasn't Joe, and I certainly haven't been sleep-drinking again..." "Awesome!" "Is this all for our trip?" "Oh wait, did you remember to get the bug repellent bracelets?" "What?" "Why is everyone looking at me like I did something?" "That's an interesting question." "Did you do something?" "Um, I started doing my math homework, which, come to think of it," "I should start doing it again." "Bye." "Wait a minute, hold on." "I have a little math question for you." "A 13-year-old girl snuck a bottle of her dad's wine, and drank it." "How long would she be grounded?" ""A," two weeks;" ""B," two months;" "Or "C," until planet Earth crashes into the sun." "Oh!" "Oh!" "I pretend to hear my phone ringing, in my room upstairs, away from this unpleasant-to-be-in area." "Sorry, kid." "All I'm looking for is honesty." "It's that simple." "So, if I'm honest..." " You'll be cool about this?" " I'll be cool as ice." "Trust me, it's not you she's worried about." "Listen, I cannot guarantee you the temperature of my coolness, but if you lie to me, I promise you this..." "You will feel the heat." "Dani." "What happened?" "There was a couple of popular girls in the eighth grade that were looking for a place to hang out." "There was nobody home that day, so I thought I'd let them hang out here." "I didn't think they were gonna drink your wine." " How much did you drink?" " None!" "None, I swear." " It was just the eighth grade girls." " What are their names?" " No, no, no!" "I can't tell on them!" " She's got a point." "Not a good one." "I just wanted to be, like, semi-popular, but I made a mistake, okay?" "I promise Vanessa will never come over again." "Vanessa." "Okay, I'm talking to Vanessa's parents." "Oh, no, no, no, please don't." "I'll be such an outcast!" "Even the allergy kids won't let me have lunch at their table." "Listen to me." "The important thing here is that you were just honest with me, okay?" "Now Mel and I need to discuss your consequences, so head upstairs and work on your homework." "You know, I don't say this very often, but..." "I'm pretty impressed with myself." "Yeah, you say that all the time." "And by the way, Dani just played you like a ukulele." " Of course she drank." " What makes you so sure?" "Everyone in this kitchen who was a 13-year-old girl surrounded by peer pressure, raise your hand." "No." "No, I looked right in her eye, all right?" "She told me the truth." "Dani didn't drink, all right?" "And tomorrow I'm gonna talk to this Vanessa girl's parents and I'm gonna tell them what their daughter's been doing." "So you can tell if someone's being honest just by looking them in the eye?" "Wow." "That's some lie detector." "Let's test it out right now." "I have the smartest husband in the whole world." "See, now that's an odd one, because you think you're lying, but you're actually telling the truth." "It's okay, though." "Give me another one." " Hey." " Hey." "So I just got a text from Evita." "Oh, more brilliance from your brilliant professor?" "Oh, I'm so glad you found someone so brilliant." "Oh, go like that." "You've got a little sarcasm." " Sorry." " Anyway," "Evita would like to interview you." "Really?" "She actually wants to interview somebody from the real world?" "Yeah, she knows you're this really important local politician." " She does?" " Well, of course she does." "Of course she does." "But yeah, she thinks that you could contribute some special insight that would benefit her latest research paper, it's something about what kind of people are drawn into public service." "Duh!" "The best kind." " So you'll meet with her?" " Let me check my schedule." "I can't be neglecting important government business" " just to talk with some..." " Oh, she can find someone else." "Oh, look at that." "I'm free." " Hello, everybody!" " Shh!" "She's on the phone..." "With Oprah." "Tell her I love her." "I..." "I don't need the publicity." "It's not about how many people read my book, it's about who reads it." "Oh, Oprah." "Don't play the sister card." "It's beneath you." "No, yes, you're still my friend." "No, you get a car." "You must be Mel Burke." "I'm Evita Freeman." " Nice to meet you." " Please, have a seat." "Just put those awards anywhere." "Oh yeah, I have the same problem." "Lennox once gave me one that said, "I love you this much."" "Before we get started, do you have any questions?" "Yeah." "How do you know Oprah?" "How don't I know Oprah?" "So nice of you to..." "Help us out." "Shall we dive right in?" "My time is precious." "I'm sure yours is, too." "Isn't she great?" "All right, first question:" "Would you vote your conscience if you knew your constituents were overwhelmingly opposed to your point of view?" "Well, the people elected me, because of my intelligence..." "I mean, I sort of know better than they do." "I'm wiser." "I..." "I know how to play the system." "No, not "play," like it's a game, 'cause the government is definitely not a game." "No." "No, sirree." "Just that... when you elect someone, it's because of their intelligence, not because they're someone you want to have a beer with, right?" "I mean, do you want a beer?" "'Cause I could really use a beer right now." "How about we just go to the next question?" "Thank you." "Can a politician do an effective job without ever lying?" "Yes." "Would you care to elaborate?" "Nope." " I suggest you elaborate." " Damn it." "Because when you lie, you break the bond of trust between you and your constituents." "And that bond, once broken, can never be made whole again." "Nailed it." "You're on an airplane with your political opponent." "The plane is going down." "There's only one parachute." " Who gets the parachute?" " Me." "Wait." "That was a joke." "Don't you want my real answer?" "All answers are real answers." "This has been incredibly helpful." "Oh." "Well, that went by fast." "Who knew I could talk about myself for a whole hour?" "I did." "You've given me much more than I could've hoped for." "You exceeded expectations, Mel Burke." "Well, if you ever wanna come down to city hall..." "Oh God, no." "Look at the time." "I'm late for a luncheon." "But of course they can't start without the guest of honor." " Show the councilwoman out for me." " Sure thing." " Don't you love her?" " Well, I can see why you're so impressed." "By the way, where is this gonna appear?" "In some sort of a really smart journal or quarterly or something?" "Oh no, it's for her next book." "What draws the Sociopathic, Narcissistic Personality to Politics?" "Say what now?" "Well, yeah, Evita's trying to determine if politicians are really trying to help people or if they're merely delusional sociopaths feeding their own God complexes." "You know, it sorta sounds like she's made up her mind." " Why do you say that?" " I don't know, the title?" "Well, apparently, you married a sociopath." " Huh?" " No, no, no, no, a narcissistic sociopath." "Evita is writing this completely biased paper, and my sweet, little niece is blind to the whole evil scheme." "I'm sorry, babe." "I wasn't paying attention to you." "I had a pretty tough afternoon myself." "Oh, I didn't know." " What happened?" " No, it's okay." " You were on a roll." "Keep on going." " No, no, no, Joe." "I wanna hear." " So I go over to Vanessa's..." " When someone calls you a narcissist, it puts a crimp in your whole day." "I'm sorry." "You were saying?" " So I went over to..." " Evita is so devious!" "Sorry." "Go on." "SSS..." "So I go over to Vanessa's house, and..." "And it didn't go well." "Well, of course not, sweetie." "Nobody wants to be told that their teenage daughter is drinking." "Yeah, well, I tried to break it to them as gently as possible that their precious Vanessa was drinking, and I just said, "thank goodness my daughter was so responsible,"" "at which point they showed me a picture from Vanessa's phone of my daughter drinking." "Wow." "That's terrible." "I mean, I did not see that coming." "Yeah, you did." "You totally did." "I know." "I was being nice." "See?" "I'm not a narcissist." "I'm a nice-issist." "Well, now that Dani drank, we're not going to be going on that camping trip, which means there goes our father-daughter bonding time, so now she's never gonna call me "Dad."" "Do you really have to cancel the trip?" "Of course, honey, there has to be some sort of punishment." "Isn't camping in the woods punishment enough?" "Look, Dani is a good girl." "It's her so-called friend Evita that the bad influence." "Evita?" "What does Lennox's professor have anything to do with this?" "I didn't say "Evita." What, do you think I'm obsessed with Evita?" "I said "Evita." Damn it!" "I mean "Vanessa."" "They're both bad influences on good people." "You're making way too much out of this whole thing with Evita, all right?" "You and Lennox have a great relationship, you just need to find some way to remind her of that." " You guys should do something together." " Mmm." "That's a great idea." "You know what would be fun?" "If Lennox and I killed Evita and then dumped her body in the lake." "Or..." "Thank you for saying "or."" "Oh, Lennox, I am so glad you're here." "Do you remember that trip we took to Dollywood when you were 16, and you remember those pictures we got?" "Well, I found them, and I had these made." "Looks, we can be t-shirt twins." "Oh my God, I do remember that." " I got so sick after that ride." " Yeah, I remember." "I held your wig back in the ladies' room." " Good times." " So good." "I'm like your friend and your aunt." "I'm your frant." "Yeah." "So anyway, I have some news I wanna share with you." "It's really big news, and it comes in three parts." "Ooh!" "Like a little play!" "Okay, so I know you think I'm too impressionable, but I thought a lot about this, and that's why I'm doing it." "Doing what?" "I'm changing my major from government to sociology." "Oh." "Oh!" "Sociology." "You mean like..." "Evita?" "Yeah, exactly." "That way she can be my academic advisor." "Oh yeah, she can do that, too." "She's just so great, that Evita." " Are you sure you're not upset?" " No." "Why would I be upset?" "I mean, that is a perfectly legitimate non-government major, sociology." "I mean, that is your go-to occupation in a tough economy." "Well, here's the last and best part." "Next semester, Evita is traveling to Colombia to do some research on her thesis about the stabilizing benefits of the narco-government." "Hold on." "She's siding with the drug lords?" "Okay, well, to be fair, they provide better services for the citizens than their elected officials ever have." "Well, good luck to her." "I truly believe hanging out in the jungle with the drug lords is the right place for Evita." "Yeah, but that's not the big news." "The big news is..." "I'm going with her." "To the drug lord jungle?" "Yeah, she's taking me as her assistant." " She's taking you to die!" " Okay, Aunt Mel, don't overreact." "We shouldn't assume that they're all bad people just because they sell illegal narcotics." "You're right, you're right." "I'm sure they call their mothers on their birthday right before they go murder people!" "Evita said you'd react this way." "This is a classic example of the patriarchal, Anglo-centric xenophobia." "Don't talk down to me." "I know what most of those words mean!" " Hey." " Hey there!" "Perfect timing." "Guess what I just made..." "Your favorite snack, my famous guacamole." "Actually, my favorite snack is French fries." "I made guacamole." "Sit down." "You know, honey, I spoke to Vanessa's parents this afternoon." "Uh-huh." "Yeah, you can imagine how upset her parents were because they thought they could trust their daughter, and when they found out they couldn't, their hearts were just broken." "Yeah, that's really sad." "Yeah." "Yeah." "So there's nothing else you wanna tell me about what happened that afternoon?" "Let me think." " Nope." " Good, good." "All right." "Well, now that we've got this whole situation behind us, we can now go on that father-daughter camping trip we've been so looking forward to." "Great." "You know, I'm really not that hungry anymore." "Oh." "All right." "You know what?" "You know what, honey?" "I just have to tell you something." "I'm just so happy that we have this honesty between us." "Think about this." "For the rest of your life, you are gonna know you were honest with me." "And for the rest of my life," "I'm gonna know that I can trust you." "And that's..." "That is something to be proud of." "I mean, aren't you proud?" "Uh-huh." "Well, I didn't mean to keep you." "Go up there and do your homework." "I love you, sweetie." "All right, I drank!" "I lied!" "Why can't you just accuse me like a normal parent instead of messing with my head?" " How did you let this happen?" " Everyone was doing it, so I did it too." "I know it's the stupidest reason in the world to ever..." "Whoa, whoa, whoa!" "Back up." "Don't you take my lines." "That is the stupidest reason in the whole world to ever do anything!" "Okay, I get it." "Can we just move past it and not talk about it on our rafting trip?" "Yeah, yeah, we can move past it." "You know why?" "We're not going on that rafting trip." "But... but that was our special trip, where you said we were gonna get to know each other better." "Yeah, well, you're getting-to-know-me experience is gonna be learning that when you lie to me and you drink, you get punished." "Get to know me." "But I told you the truth." "Eventually." "Eventually you did, and you know what?" "Eventually we will go on that camping trip, but not right now." "You know what we're gonna do this weekend?" "You and me, we're going upstairs, and we're gonna clean out the attic." "I hope you like rats." "Oh my God, Dad, you're so unfair!" "You won't believe this." "Lennox is shipping off with her insane professor to the jungles of Colombia." "Dani just called me "Dad."" "Holy crap." "This is terrible!" "Colombia is like a crack house with a national anthem!" "Will you stop googling?" "You're only gonna find negative stuff out there!" "That's not true." "I also learned Colombia is the birthplace of Gabriel Garcia Marquez, and it has a thriving rollerskating community." "So there." "Ooh!" "Oh wait, this could solve everything." "Here's a news story about an American tourist who got arrested in Medellin for wearing khaki pants." "Because khaki is the official activewear of the cartel goons." "When Lennox finds out there's a dress code in Colombia, she won't wanna go there." "I'm not so sure about that." "Remember in high school when they had that dress code and outlawed the crop tops?" "She wore one every day in the middle of January in protest." "Her bellybutton turned blue." "Now, that..." "That dress code thing might actually make her want to go even more." "You couldn't let me have false hope for two minutes?" "Oh, honey." "Mmm." "Yeah!" "Gotcha!" "My neck!" "My neck!" "Oh my god, are you okay?" "Gotcha!"