"Faster, Frasier, faster!" "You can make this light!" " You're gonna get us killed!" " l can't be late for this date!" " Right!" "Take a right here!" " This is ridiculous!" "First the dry-cleaner, then the ATM." "Now I'm taking you to some restaurant." "I didn't plan for my car to be in the shop." "I really, really appreciate it." " Oh, a basket of fruit would suffice!" " l am changing for my date!" "Hey!" "Don't look at me!" "Turn around!" " l'm driving!" " Fine, fine." " Hand me my jeans, will you?" " Here." "Oh." "Oh, great." "Just what I need!" "There's a police car behind us." "Please, don't turn on the red light, don't turn on the red light." "Damn it, Frasier!" "Frasier, you won't get a ticket." "You're a celebrity, use a little juice!" " l refuse to do anything of the sort!" " Well, enjoy traffic school." "Good evening, Officer." "I'm Dr Frasier Crane, uh... lf there's a problem, I'm listening." "You were going 62 in a 40-mile zone." "Well, this is interesting." "Usually, both people are in the back seat." "l-lt's not what you think." "We were just coming back from KACL, where l do my radio show." "Uh-huh." "We ran a little late because I was on with a troubled caller with a very complex psychological problem on my radio show." "Hey, wait a minute." "You're Dr Frasier Crane!" "Drat!" "My cover is blown." " l listen to your show all the time!" " Oh, well, thank you." " lt's always a pleasure to..." " Licence and registration, please." "...be arrested by a fan." "Roz, if you could delay ablutions?" "I'm in custody here!" "Hey, it's your birthday today." "is this a little celebration?" "No." "No, I'm simply taking my producer to meet her date." "Why didn't you say it was your birthday, I'd have thrown a party at the station." "Question asked, question answered." "I'm just going to be dropping Roz off, have a cold plate of deli get to bed early." "Almost makes you feel sorry for me, doesn't it?" "I spent my birthday subduing a drunk-and-disorderly at a bar." " Do you hate to work on your birthday?" " He was my date." "I'm going to let you off." "Just think of it as a little birthday gift." " Thank you." " But slow down." " l'd hate to see you get hurt." " l'm listening." "OK." " Let's go!" " Ah." " Did you sense a little moment there?" " What are you talking about?" "Between me and that attractive officer, it just felt like there was something there." "Yeah, major sparks." "Now, it's the right pedal." "Just a minute." "I want to see if she's watching." "If she is, she's interested." "Oh, yes!" "Oh, she's turning around, she's looking up!" "(Officer) 'Move your vehicle!" "'" "Oh, yes. I've cast my spell." " Go ahead, make a wish." " Oh, why bother?" "I made the same wish last year, it didn't come true." "Come on, son." "Blow out the candles!" "Oh, what a surprise." "Look, they're lighting again!" "What sorcerer's magic is this?" "Dad, I had a nice little birthday bonus today." "I was pulled over for speeding by a very pretty policewoman, who let me off." "I think she found me attractive." "That sort of thing happens, doesn't it?" "Sure. I was always leaning on windows thinking," ""That bloody chainsaw on the back seat looks iffy, but she's got a cute smile!"" "Ha, ha. I'm telling you, there was something there though." "Well, of course, it's academic." "I don't even know her name." "I suppose I could call the police station and find out who was on traffic duty." "But I don't suppose they'd give that sort of information to a civilian." "You'd have to have some conduit into the police department, an insider who could break that damnable code of silence." "All right, I'll make the damn call." " You, Dad?" "I didn't even think of..." " Oh, shut up." "I haven't felt such an instant attraction to a woman in quite some time." "Puzzling, considering our different backgrounds." "Oh!" "Pish, tosh!" "It's obvious what's attracting you - the gleam of her jackboots, her dangling nightstick, the glint of her handcuffs hanging on her leather belt." "You're off on some lurid little disciplinary fantasy." "Oh, Dr Crane, shame on you!" "You've got icing all up your sleeve!" "Oh. I am a naughty boy." " Well, certainly a messy one." " But mainly a naughty one." "Hey!" "Hey, Charlie, yeah, Marty Crane." "How ya doing?" "I'm trying to track down a woman officer who was on traffic tonight, uh, near..." " Blanchett and Fourth." " ..." "Blanchett and Fourth." "Great, OK." "Thanks." "Her name's Maureen Cutler." "She drinks at McGinty's." " Charlie said she'll be there now." " Thanks, Dad." " Are you going to go?" " A police bar?" "I'll stand out like a sore thumb!" "All right, I'll go." "Sit down, Niles, I'll go with him." "After all these hoity-toity, caviar-sucking egghead types you've dated, a lady cop would be a breath of fresh air." "Oh, all right, I'll go!" "Give me a second, I'll put some fresh collar-stays in." "Ooh, I've got a fabulous new cashmere jacket I've been dying to premiere!" "Oh, yeah, this is gonna work." " You see her yet?" " l don't know." "What about her?" " That's not Maureen." " No, I mean, what about her?" " Oh, there she is!" " Wow, she is a looker!" "Come on, let's go say hello." "Oh, well!" "Oh, my God, fancy seeing you here!" " Hey, Frasier Crane." " Oh, you remember me?" "Come on, 62 in a 40-mile zone with a half-naked girl in your back seat." " Roz." " Oh." " So, this is my father." " How do you do?" "I'm Maureen Cutler." " Marty Crane, nice to meet you." " Nice to meet you." " Maureen, how about a drink?" " Why not." "Let me. I'm a beer drinker myself." "You?" " That's fine by me." " Beer, huh?" "What the hell, I'll try one." "So, what brings you guys here?" "This is mostly a cop hangout." " l used to be on the force." " Really?" "Wait a minute." "Marty Crane?" "You're Martin Crane!" "You're wasting your time in traffic, you're quite a detective." "I remember you when I was in training." "You gave a great lecture on dealing with an armed suspect." " Thanks." " How come you left the force?" "Well, I, uh, got shot by an armed suspect." " l'm sorry." " lt's all right." "So...do you miss it?" "Nah, how attached can you get to a hip?" "I'm sorry." "I have to get over to the hospital." "There's news of my sergeant." " What happened to him?" " She's having a baby." "Oh, well, hope it's a girl!" " l'll tell Frasier you had to run." " Thanks." "Listen, um, I never do this, but I would love to have a beer or go to dinner some time." " With me?" " l don't want to put you on the spot." "If you want to go out, just give me a call." "With me?" " You're the only one here." " Here we are, three beers!" "Good news, there was a fly in one glass, so they're free!" " Sorry, I got beeped." " Oh, that's too bad." "But it was nice to see you." "Maybe I'll see you again here." " That'd be great." " OK, bye." "Bye." "I think that went very well, don't you?" "A grande half-caf Iatté with a whisper of cinnamon." "And for my father, plain coffee." "I cannot emphasize the word "plain" enough." "No foam, no exotic flavours." "If it is not plain, I take no responsibility for the consequences." " How about a biscotti?" " All right." "But when you bring it, call it "a cookie"." " Hi, son." " Hello, Dad." " Thank you for meeting me like this." " Well, my pleasure." "So...what can I do you for?" "Well, I need some advice." "Advice?" "That's why you asked me here?" "Yeah." " You've never done this before!" " l'm sorry, I... I'm deeply touched and I consider this a watershed moment in our relationship." "You've always turned to Frasier." "Frasier, Frasier, Frasier." " Niles, can I talk?" " l'm listening." "Here we are." "One Iatté, one coffee, and one "cookie"." "I think they call this thing a biscotti." "No need to talk down to the man." "Off you go!" "Well, anyway, remember the other night?" " Frasier's policewoman?" " Mmm-hmm." "Well, we found her at the bar, and, ah, well...she came on to me." " No." " Yeah." " You?" " Yeah." "Was she drunk?" "I'm sorry, you're..." "Of course, Dad, I'm sorry." "What was Frasier's reaction?" " l haven't told him yet." " Why not?" " l just can't." " Can I?" "He's gonna feel lousy." "He finally meets a girl he likes, and she's attracted to his old man." "Hmm." "That is a conundrum. I wonder if that's what's really bothering you." "What do you mean?" "Maybe, underneath it all, you're attracted to her." "Oh, are you, nuts?" "That's sick!" "That's disgusting!" "But for the sake of argument, let's say you're right." " You can be attracted to a woman." " What father does a thing like that?" "Did you encourage her in any way?" "I guess I was kind of charming." "I didn't mean to be!" "It just sometimes leaks out." "Well, what do you want to do?" "Firstly, I don't want to hurt Frasier." "Secondly, I want to go out with Maureen." "The order of that changes depending on the time of day." "One possibility is, go on a date with her." "If you feel there are sparks between you, then tell Frasier." " l don't want to lie." " You're not." "You're sparing his feelings. lf nothing happens, he need never know." "I guess it's worth a try." "If Maureen and I hit it off, I'll tell him immediately." "Or I can." "Really, I don't mind." " Hi, Dad." " Oh, Frasier, you're still home!" "Yeah." "Where are you going?" "Just out." " What are you gonna do?" " Nothin'." "When are you gonna be home?" "Later." "Well, you put a dent in the car, young man, it's coming out of your allowance!" "I've got my pride." "So, I said to her, I said, "Mrs Grace, I'll do the cooking, the cleaning," ""but I draw the line at creaming your feet!"" "Hurry up, "The Mambo Kings" is about to start!" "I wouldn't mind mamboing with Antonio Banderas!" "Set out the goodies. I'll get the wine." "Oh, and this time, be careful with that chocolate." "I had a hell of a time hiding the stain from his nibs...ooh!" " Oh, hello, Dr Crane!" " Daphne." " Charlotte, Maggie." " Dr Crane." "(Frasier) Please sit down." " l thought you were working tonight." " l am." "But not for a couple of hours yet." "Seems a shame to hang around here, I mean, I would have thought you'd have taken an opportunity like this to go down to McGinty's, for example." "Oh, to see his new lady friend?" "Ah. I see I've been quite the hot topic over the teapot." " l may have said something in passing." " l'd go for it, Dr Crane!" "If you must know, I was planning to go, but not for a couple of days yet." "Well, I wouldn't wait too long." "Strike while the iron's hot, I say." " Oh, she's right." " Women don't like over-eager men." "Nonsense. lt's one thing if the man's some barmy git from the docks, but it's different if he's like you." " Charming." " And handsome." "And knows lots and lots of words." "She could be there now, nursing a gin and tonic, casting hopeful glances towards the door." "Well, McGinty's is on my way to the station." "I suppose I could just pop my head in." "Thank you for your support, even if it was nakedly self-serving and insincere." "I finally got my transfer. I'm moving out of Traffic and into Narcotics." "(Maureen) I'll be working with Bill Henderson." " Good for you." " Exciting, although I hear he's tough." "Oh, no." "He seems a little stiff and strait-laced, but he's the greatest guy in the world." "(Maureen) He is impressive." "(Marty) Smart, great sense of humour." " No, you're gonna have a great time." " Dad, I can't believe you're doing this!" " Frasier!" " Look, I was gonna tell you." "Believe me, I did not put him up to this, although I think he's over-selling me." "I'm not the greatest guy in the world." "Seattle, maybe." " Am I missing something?" " Oh, I'm just joking." "Thanks for warming her up." "I can take over." " Martin?" " Come on, Martin, you heard her." "What does she have to do, send up smoke signals?" "Frasier..." "Maureen and I are here on a date." "You think this is a wildly embarrassing moment, where l'm standing here with egg on my face." "I assure you, I'm not as embarrassed as you might assume I would be." "I'm not uncomfortable, so please, don't you be uncomfortable either." " Why don't I give you two a moment?" " Whatever!" " You asked her out?" " That's not how it happened." "There's no use lying to me." "I couldn't be lower, just tell me the truth." " Maureen asked me out." " Going down!" "It happened when you went to the bar." "It just caught me off-guard, I didn't know how to handle it." " Niles told me I should..." " Niles?" " Niles knows?" " Look, I'm sorry." "I was supposed to see if there was something there, and if there wasn't, then you didn't even need to know." " Well, is there something there?" " Oh, yeah." "Well...it's not as if we were side-by-side when she chose you. I was at the bar!" "If you'd got the drinks, it would have been different." " l don't think so." " l'm drowning here, throw me a line!" " l'm gonna go tell her this is a mistake." " No, no, no, Dad." "No." "No." "I'll be all right, really." "So..." " The old dog's still got it in him, huh?" "Yeah." "But, how long can it last?" "She's got to come to her senses eventually." "Oh, no." "Dad, don't sell yourself short." "You've got a lot to offer." "Well, I'm gonna...head off to work." " Good night, Dad." " Good night, thanks." "Damn!" "Thanks." "Frasier just came in the building, so everybody hide and be quiet." " Do you think he'll be surprised?" " As his birthday was yesterday, yeah." "Should we yell "surprise" or "happy birthday"?" "We've done this like 500 times, and every time it's much the same." "We yell, they pretend to be surprised, we eat the cake." " l just wanted it to be perfect." " And that's what makes you so special." "Now get under the console!" "Oh!" "Yes!" " Hi, Frasier!" "How you doing?" " Oh, just wonderful." "43 is off to a rousing start." " Remember that policewoman?" " Yeah." "Well, she's dating my father!" "Your father?" "Well, never mind that." "I've know just what will take your mind off of it." "I've been wandering the streets, trying to take assessment of my life." "I haven't slept with a woman in seven months!" " Frasier..." " All right, nine months!" "We shouldn't talk about that right now." "Fine, you can't spare me five minutes, when every day I'm your personal Wailing Wall." ""Frasier, he stopped calling me," "He wants his key,"" ""His girlfriend is having me followed!"" "I'm sorry." "So nine months, huh?" "Nine long, long, months." "You know who that woman was?" "Edna, from Accounting." "The next day, she dumped me!" "I'm feeling nostalgic for that summer in my 20's when I was impotent." "My only comfort now is knowing my humiliation can't get any worse." "Surprise!" "Hi, Edna." "# Hey baby, I hear the blues are calling tossed salads and scrambled eggs" "# Oh, my!" "# And maybe I seem a bit confused Well, maybe..." "# But I got you pegged!" "# But I don't know what to do with those tossed salads and scrambled eggs" "# They're calling again #" "Good night, everybody!"