"¶ La-la, la-la-la ¶" "I don't think I've ever seen you so happy." "Me, neither." "Which is a really sad commentary on Hilda's life." "Hilda always gets this excited when she's gonna see our cousin" "Zsa Zsa Goowhiggie." "Gesundheit." "She's my favorite relative." "She's a great practical joker." "Tons of fun." "If you call putting killer bees in someone's bonnet "fun."" "Oh, well, maybe you were too swollen to laugh." "Well, I'm gonna say my hellos and then get back to work on my subatomic microphone." "Are you still trying to prove electrons can hear?" "Don't laugh." "Because they might hear me?" "And you, instead of fooling around with Zsa Zsa, you should be practicing your violin." "You've got an audition in two days." "Which is two days away." "( hissing )" "( screams )" "( body thuds )" "Oh!" "This is vintage Zsa Zsa!" "Okay, Zsa Zsa, you can morph into your human form now." "Gotcha!" "( screams )" "So..."Goowhiggie."" "Is that Swedish?" "( upbeat rock theme playing )" "Other leprechauns look up to me." "Ah." "There you go." "When did you start selling cosmetics?" "When the trust fund dried up." "Oh!" "Here is the latest beauty product from the Other Realm." ""Instant Hobo?"" "What, when the jar's empty, you can live in it?" "( all chuckle )" "I think I'm getting bags under my eyes." "Okay, you all missed your cue to say:" ""No, Salem, you look fine."" "That means I need some concealer." "Salem, I'd love to sell you some products, but your name's all over the bad-check list." "What about my aliases?" "They're gonna have baggy eyes too." "( sobbing )" "Zelda... this color could be for you." "Oh?" "Oh!" "Oh!" "( both laughing, clapping )" "You know, they must miss you two at the Algonquin." "Whoo." "Well, I'd love to stick around and wonder what you two have been drinking, but I got to get to school." "Oh, Sabrina." "Sabrina, please, try this blush." "I wonder what's gonna pop out of here and cause you two to laugh uncontrollably." "Hm." "Hey." "Nice color." "ZSA ZSA:" "Uh-huh." "Not bad." "ZSA ZSA:" "Young lady." "Thank you, Zsa Zsa." "Oh, you're welcome." "( chuckles )" "Bye-bye." "( door closes )" "( both cackle )" "Hey, Sabrina." "Ooh." "Did you enroll in clown college?" "( gasps )" "Zsa Zsa." "Harvest season at my aunts' vineyard." "So, um, did you sign up to take any college- prep classes?" "Oh, I decided I'm not taking the SATs." "I'm gonna be a mechanic, so..." "I'm not going to college." "Really?" "No college?" "( tense theme playing )" "What a day." "Who would've thought an executive vice president would have so much to do?" "Drive!" "So what if your engine's on fire." "What are you, a girl?" "Harvey, I'm home." "Oh, hey, honey." "Did you see the new car?" "Yeah, it looks like it's up on new blocks too." "And as soon as I find an engine and some tires," "I'm taking my girl for a ride." "( tires squeal on TV )" "Oh, it's getting exciting." "( bell rings )" "See you after class." "Wait, so you're really not gonna go to college?" "Nope." "Not even clown college?" "( Salem humming )" "Aha." "The concealer at last." "Mm." "That cherry lipstick looks delicious." "No." "Beautify now, eat later." "Do you think I should be worried that Harvey isn't going to college?" "I didn't go to college." "Aw, he's doomed, I tell you." "Doomed!" "Oh, I can't imagine what it would feel like to have no drive, so little ambition." "Not that that's a bad thing." "And I can't imagine what it would be like to be so driven, you never had time for fun." "I have fun." "Working nonstop to achieve a goal is enormously pleasurable." "Oh, that's right." "They have that new all-work ride at Disney World." "May I offer a suggestion?" "Walk-a-mile moccasins." "You each buy a pair and then switch." "They help you understand how the other person feels." "Couldn't we just have extensive family therapy?" "Maybe we should try them, Hilda." "Hm." "It's only a mile and...they're pink." "Well." "I can see why you'd want to be like me, but why would I want to be like you?" "All right." "Ah, yes." "Now, switch." "SALEM:" "Say, everyone, are there still bags under my eyes?" "Salem, where are you?" "I'm right here, in front" "Oh, dear lord!" "I used too much concealer!" "I'm invisible." "And in debt." "But on the bright side, you really can't see those bags." "( Salem sobbing )" "( knocking )" "Knock, knock." "Oh, hi, Zsa Zsa." "I don't have any time for any pranks, so just leave the joy buzzer, and I'll shock myself with it later." "This is business, honey." "Now, I overheard about your little friend, Harvey, and I've got the perfect product." ""Pure Ambition?"" "It's a cologne." "A little dab, and your man will be more ambitious than the entire William Morris mailroom put together." "Whoa." "It's a little musky." "Well, they do say that success is 99 percent perspiration." "Gross." "I'll take it." "Put it on my aunts' tab." "I'm telling you, man, this East German transmission is driving me crazy." "I figure it's either a valve, or they're plotting to take over the world again." "Harvey!" "I got you a present." "What for?" "Boyfriend's Day." "Uh, it's a..." "holiday that the retailers came up with to fill in the slow sale season between Christmas and Easter." "Just put it on." "Oh, it smells like my dog when he's rolled in something dead." "But I like it." "( magical chime )" "Hey, after I replace that valve," "I think I'm gonna overhaul the whole engine." "You're not talking about SATs, are you?" "Come on, man, we can fix this car." "We just need to be a little more ambitious." "But after you fix the car, you're gonna drive it to a college-recruitment center, right?" "Right?" "Oh." "I guess a little dab didn't do him." "We've been wearing these moccasins for a while now, and I don't feel any different." "Do you?" "No." "Although I do have a sudden urge to track bear." "Hey, Hildy." "Wanna fill up all the holes on the golf course?" "No, thanks." "I'm going to practice my violin." "And I have research to do." "Although... golf course high jinks sound like fun." "Hey!" "Hey!" "Aw." "Whoo!" "Oh, the smell!" "Ugh." "It's not that bad, is it?" "Oh!" "Where are you going?" "To bathe." "( magical chime )" "And to take the practice SAT Test." "Ah." "The sweet stench of success." "( clears throat ) Um, hello?" "Do you have Prince Albert in a can?" "Oh, I think you do." "( magical whoosh )" "( English accent ):" "Excuse me, shopkeeper, do be a sport and let me out of here, would you?" "( suspenseful theme playing ) ( gasps )" "( both laughing )" "Oh." "Didn't you say that somebody was coming over from the grant committee for a presentation?" "Oh." "Oh, that's right." "And I've got to get right to work." "Mm-hm." "Just one more call." "One more." "( giggles )" "Salem?" "SALEM ( disguising voice ):" "Salem's not here." "Oh, well, then he won't want me to open any of those cans for him." "SALEM ( disguising voice ):" "Oh." "Wait, here he is now." "Salem, how about some of that sockeye?" "( normal voice ):" "Love some." "( laughing )" "Hey, bright boy." "You might be invisible, but these cans aren't." "Put these away." "SALEM:" "Party pooper." "And put that tongue back in your mouth." "Don't you have some research to do?" "Hildy...your nose is running." "No, it isn't." "Yes, it is." "Uh-huh." "( gasps ) Oh." "( upbeat theme playing )" "I'm just glad I don't play a wind instrument." "( giggles )" "( both cackling )" "( bell rings )" "So you seem to be working hard." "How do you think you did?" "Oh." "I forgot about the test." "I was drawing up my design for the new race car" "I'm gonna build." "It's completely aerodynamic, and it has 17 cup holders." "Ah." "I'm gonna get Zsa Zsa right in the Goowhiggie." "( spraying )" "That Ambition cologne only made Harvey more ambitious towards cars and beverage caddies." "Well, Harvey's ambition needs to expand beyond his usual horizons." "The cologne may not be enough." "I'm not buying any more stuff." "Well, I'm not sure I have anything that's appropriate." "Although, I did sell the Ambition deodorant to Bill Gates." "But it's not for Harvey." "Bill Gates?" "Mm-hm." "And Michael Eisner, he swears by Ambition shampoo." "But it's not for Harvey." "Oh, and he wouldn't be interested in the Ambition after-shave." "I'll take it." "I'll take the whole line of Ambition products." "Wonderful." "And with your $40 purchase, you'll receive this lovely tote bag." "Forty dollars?" "Forty dollars." "Put it on my aunts' tab." "( chuckles )" "Whoo!" "Ambition is a good product." "Almost as good as my favorite perfume..." "Reverse Psychology." "( spraying )" "Man, these Ambition products are heavy." "( Salem chuckles )" "Salem." "SALEM:" "Oh, I love these free rides." "Although, I could've done without your stopover in the bathroom." "Harvey will never put these products on willingly." "Just gonna have to do it the hard way." "( rock theme playing )" "( mouths ):" "No." "( mouthing scream )" "( mouthing laughter )" "( spraying )" "Oh, hey." "I'm so glad to see you." "I just came to an incredible decision." "I'm gonna do everything I can to achieve my full potential." "Oh, that's great." "And you're starting out by clearing out your locker?" "I'm starting... by dropping out of school." "That's not gonna look good on your college application." "Hey, so...why are you dropping out of school?" "To be a mechanic?" "Of course not." "I'm gonna pool my lawn-mowing and paper- route money together and put a down payment on a garage." "I'm gonna be an owner-operator." "Great." "So was Goober Pyle." "I am here to interview Zelda Spellman regarding her grant proposal." "I'll go get her." "Zelda is a terrific researcher." "Very hardworking, dedicated, professional" "( Zelda and Zsa Zsa laughing )" "HILDA:" "Zelda." "Zelda!" "This is Boris Lermontov." "The head of the grant committee." "Oh, Mr. Lermontov." "Uh, please, sit down." "All the way down." "Oh." "( both laughing )" "I can't find my spectacles." "Whoo!" "Here they are." "I'm sorry." "The house isn't level." "I suppose you find time to do actual research between guffaws." "I'm sorry." "I would like to get serious and discuss my latest endeavor:" "Mm-hm." "the Wedgie Project." "Aah!" "( laughing )" "So it did make the boy ambitious." "If you consider forgoing a high school diploma to spend time with leaky carburetors ambitious." "And I do." "Just tell me how to reverse the effect." "Sorry." "Once Ambition has been applied, you have to let it run its course." "Great." "Well, this is as ambitious as he'll get, right?" "Should be." "You just used a little, didn't you?" "( doorbell rings )" "Harvey?" "Let me guess: you haven't been working on cars, have you?" "No." "And I've got great news." "Instead of going to the bank for a loan," "I got on the internet and used my savings to buy yen, which I converted into German marks, and then put the whole thing on pork bellies." "And when I left home, I was up $11 million." "'Course, it's all on paper." "Eleven million dollars?" "Think of the college you could afford." "Good idea." "Maybe I'll buy one." "( harpsichord theme playing )" "( Salem laughing )" "Salem, stop that!" "SALEM:" "I'm invisible, and you can't catch me." "I'm invisible and you can't" "( muffled ):" "You will hear from my lawyer." "God bless Claude Rains." "Well, Boris Lermontov called." "Looks like I'm not getting that grant." "And after that wedgie, he's joining the Vienna Boys' Choir." "I hope this teaches you to act more responsibly." "Oh, you're right." "I really need to." "ZSA ZSA:" "Here I come." "Hide." "Zsa Zsa's it." "HARVEY:" "Cancel my 5:00." "Tell the mayor I can't make his fundraiser, but tell the governor I can make his." "Now, I want you" "Harvey, what's going on?" "Excuse me, ma'am." "But you can't talk to Mr. Kinkle without an appointment." "It's okay." "I've got 30 seconds free, if we keep walking." "Well, it's good to see you're back in school." "Yep." "I'm here to see how much it will cost to knock it down." "What?" "!" "I'm gonna need a headquarters for my empire, so I'm gonna raze the entire block and put up a skyscraper." "But you can't." "There's a orphanage and a retirement home on this block." "And lucky for me old folks and kids are bad negotiators." "Sabrina, you should drop out of school." "I've got enough money to support both of us, and despite your intelligence, think you'd make a great trophy wife." "( snaps )" "( rock theme playing )" "I've got to do something." "I can't stand what Harvey's become." "Dope fiend?" "Degenerate gambler?" "Petty thief?" "An aggressive, ambitious multimillionaire." "How awful." "Will you tell Harvey I always liked him?" "I've got to show him he's going down the wrong path." "Well, why not cast a prognosis-hypnosis spell?" "Shows a person what could happen if they keep doing what they're doing." "There's such a spell?" "It's a classic." "And it's perfect for this situation." "Thanks, Salem." "Is there anything" "I can do for you?" "( sarcastically ):" "No." "Can't think of a thing." "Okay." "Got to go." "( stammers )" "Sabrina!" "I'm" "( door closes ) ( sobbing )" "Curse my sarcastic nature." "( echoing ):" "Harvey?" "Harvey Kinkle?" "Move it!" "Sabrina?" "Did my parents let you in?" "I'm here to show you your future." "No more lobster and chocolate cake before bed." "( snaps )" "Who's that?" "Trixie, your third wife." "As vacant and as dimwitted a woman as ever walked this earth." "Great bone structure." "Ooh." "Hello, family." "Father's home." "Now, I must get back to the office." "Harvey, honey..." "Rex and Lucy have been feeling a bit down lately." "And they are...?" "Your children." "Oh." "Right." "Right." "I'm not sure they feel loved." "Oh, no problem." "I'll have my secretary write them an affectionate note." "Uh, yeah." "I think you've seen enough." "Let's go." "( whooshing )" "What's all this?" "Oh, I don't know." "It might have something to do with the chemical plant you put on the football field." "Fair enough, but... why the gas masks?" "What's all this?" "The results of years of Kinkle Inc.'s desecration of the land in the name of corporate profits." "Oh." "See that one lone tree over there?" "That's the state park you commissioned." "If people don't like all this, why don't they just move to the country?" "This is the country." "You should see what you've done to the city." "( funky music playing )" "Let me guess, my birthday party?" "No." "Your funeral." "( cheering, champagne cork pops )" "Everyone is glad you're dead." "Because you and your boundless ambition have systematically wiped out all that is good and right with the world." "Wow." "Something to think about, huh?" "So...now that you've seen your future," "Brain freeze is something you bring on yourself." "I guess I went a little haywire when we bet on who could drink a Polar Freeze the fastest." "( groans )" "Well, if it's any consolation at this difficult time, you lost." "So according to our deal, you owe me one giant surprise gift." "( door opens )" "Kinkle, Spellman." "( shrieks ) ( gasps )" "Is Mr. Kraft still dating your aunt Zelda?" "No." "See?" "I'm in denial about it." "You better go." "Hey, kids." "We were just getting ready to watch a video." "Why don't you join us?" "That is, if you think you can handle the bittersweet anarchy of Billy Jack Goes to Washington." "Cool..." "Ooh!" "Oh, brain freeze." "I better get him home." "( upbeat rock theme playing )" "Baywatch:" "The Early Years." "( squeaks )" "( rock theme playing )" "Salem, quit staring at me." "Sorry." "I just can't stop reliving the disgusting spectacle" "I witnessed at that table last night." "Aunt Hilda told her "I-could- have-been-a-great-dancer" story?" "Worse." "Right where you're sitting," "Zelda was making goo-goo eyes with the Casanova of the hall pass, Willard Kraft." "Ugh!" "Gross, gross, gross, gross, gross." "Think happy thoughts, like bunnies and flowers." "I'm glad Aunt Zelda's found a boyfriend, but couldn't it have been a mammal?" "Personally, I'm over it." "Oh, sure, I had issues with my sister dating a man who's still hopelessly in love with me, but then I just decided to let it go." "I suggest you do the same." "You're right." "It's not like he's moving in." "( both laugh )" "( both shriek )" "Good morning, ladies." "Where's my zoo-zoo?" "ZELDA:" "Is that my monkey?" "Ugh." "Friends don't let friends talk baby talk." "KRAFT:" "There she is." "Ready for your breakfast gordita?" "Ooh." "Ooh, it looks muy bueno." "I'll tell you what muys my bueno is when you wear your hair up like that." "( giggles ) ( whistles )" "( both smooching )" "I will live through this." "I will live through this." "It's not working." "Oh, Sabrina, I almost forgot," "I can't drive you to school this morning, but, luckily, Willard said he'd be delighted to take you." "Super." "And Sabrina didn't get brain freeze because she allows the slush to sit in her mouth and reach body temperature before exposing it to her soft palette." "You spend entirely too much time" "So, what surprise are you gonna get her?" "I thought the biggest surprise might be no surprise." "So, what you're saying is you need my help?" "( students jeering )" "I warned you to roll up your windows when we hit school property." "But you didn't say it was because students pelt you with garbage." "I thought that was implied." "Now, if you'll excuse me, these hallways are crying out for the iron fist of order." "Ugh, I have milk in my ear." ""Nebraska Steaks proudly offers" ""a belt-bustin' roundup of flanks 'n' franks sure to satisfy even your most obese relatives."" "Ungawa." "Salem..." "( yelps ) did we see you playing with a dog?" "Uh, absolutely not." "Hate 'em." "Aha!" "There's a trail of slobber on your back." "It's hair product?" "All right." "He answers to "Silky," his owner's a butcher, and I'm letting him bat me around to get meat." "It's time you look into a little thing we call "dignity."" "And get rid of that steak catalog." "We know you don't read the articles." "( laughing ):" "Stop." "( giggling )" "No." "No, Willard." "I'm sure Hilda and Sabrina won't mind." "Bye, monkey." "Heh." "Won't mind what?" "Willard's grandmother is doing a massive renovation on her house, so Willard needs a place to stay." "I told him he could use the apartment over the garage." "But we don't have an apartment over our garage." "( clunk )" "We do now." "By the way, I mind a lot!" "In fact, I've never minded anything so much in my life!" "Don't you mind?" "Nope." "I center on my chi, and I am free from care." "Well, I'm not." "I'll go mad, I tell you!" "Mad!" "Hey." "Hey." "Any ideas?" "Think Sabrina would like some car mats?" "That's not the greatest gift idea when you don't have a car." "You know what, it's not the greatest gift idea when you do have a car." "Hey!" "How 'bout a photo portrait of the two of you?" "But I already bought the car mats." "Hey, guys, what's up?" "Nothing." "Nothing at all." "Oh, good." "Valerie's helping you pick out my gift." "KRAFT ( over PA ):" "Attention, students." "This is your vice principal." "A recruiter from Burger World University will be meeting today with any interested fifth-year seniors, and, on a personal note to Sabrina Spellman, your aunt wants us to bring home bread and toilet paper." "Sabrina, is Mr. Kraft living in your house?" "No." "He's living over the garage, which is further from the house than most restraining orders." "I'll probably never see him." "( light rock theme playing )" "Salem, I have a few questions about carbon monoxide, garage apartments, and making something look like an accident." "( barks ) Beg your pardon?" "I said, "What a pity." "Now, roll over."" "( scoffs )" "Berlitz's How To Speak Dog?" "I'm improving myself." "MAN ( on CD ):" "Which way to the biblioteca?" "( man barks ) Shame on you, Salem." "Silky thinks he's your friend and you're just using him for your own pleasure." "I thought that was the point of dogs." "Besides, I am helping him." "He'll never manage his owner until he learns how to beg." "If the result is beefsteak for the cat, so be it." "Maybe you can train him to chase Mr. Kraft from the neighborhood." "( barks )" "Stop asking me where the library is." "I'm in crisis here." "I can't take it anymore." "Our house has become the Smithsonian of his toenail clippings." "Isn't he driving you crazy?" "I have made a personal choice not to be affected by Willard Kraft." "He used your toothbrush." "Deep, cleansing breath." "BOTH:" "¶ Love lifts us up Where we belong ¶" "¶ Where the angels fly ¶ ¶ Where the eagles fly ¶" "BOTH:" "¶ On a mountain high ¶" "Zelda... you complete me." "ZELDA:" "Oh, you know what?" "I'm gonna get my copy of Love Letters and we can read them to each other." "Oh, yes." "Oh!" "That is one special lady." "You know, you might want to start thinking about calling me "Uncle Willard."" "Well, they're always looking for nuns, right?" "Just breathe and let it go, Sabrina." "Uh, you can call me "Uncle Willard" too, Hilda." "He must be destroyed!" "( barking )" "( barking )" "( barking )" "Shoot." "What's the word for "floor"?" "Oh, yeah." "Uh... ( barks )" "So we'd just be getting Mr. Kraft out of here for Aunt Zelda's own good." "Absolutely." "Someday she'll thank us." "Should we poison him?" "Don't you think that's a little harsh?" "Love lifts them up where they belong?" "I knew he was bothering you." "We've got to find some dirt on Kraft that will make Zelda break up with him." "Oh!" "Perfect:" ""Real Life Story."" "We need some dirt And we need it fast" "So give us the scoop On Willard Kraft" "Welcome to Real Life Story's "Mediocrity Week."" "Tonight we explore the strange journey of Willard Kraft." "Elementary school classmates describe him as "a loner," "an outsider" and "doodle breath."" "Let's fast-forward through puberty." "My hunch is it's ugly." "Well, I know he had a messy divorce." "Ooh, hit "play."" "HOST:" "Her name was Lucy, the only woman who could give Willard the courage to dream again." "Love transformed the normally vexatious loner into a frolicking free spirit." "Whimsy was his copilot." "Indeed, Willard Kraft was in love with love." "They were married in a small, private ceremony presided over by her massage therapist." "They were so in love." "( sighs )" "I can't just sit here and let Zelda get hurt by a man who still loves two other women." "Two?" "Oh." "Right." "We've gotta bring her back." "It's gonna be so hard on Aunt Zelda." "I don't think I can do that to her." "KRAFT:" "Has anyone seen my antifungal foot ointment?" "Mr. Kraft With a past so juicy" "Return to us His ex-wife Lucy" "Ah..." "It's good to be back in the mortal realm." ""Mortal realm"?" "Wait a minute." "You're a witch?" "!" "Mr. Kraft married a witch?" "Well, of course, he didn't know I was a witch." "I thought it would be... less confusing that way." "Oh, I have my magic again." "Oh, I adore the mortal realm." "It's such a refreshing change from where I live:" "The Republic of Infinite Horror." "Sounds exotic." "It's near Lake Male Superior." "It's an awful part of the Other Realm where women are forbidden to use magic." "Who came up with that brainstorm?" "The men." "The men." "Then why don't you just move to the mortal realm?" "My republic forbids a woman to emigrate without a husband and that's why I married Willard." "And because you loved him." "Okay." "And I would do anything to get him back." "Oh, dear, here come the waterworks." "So why did you two split up?" "Why does any relationship go bad?" "Maybe I shouldn't have turned him into a beast of burden, or made out with his best friend Dexter." "The bottom line is" "Willard divorced me, and without him, I was deported back to the I.H." "Infinite Horror." "Right." "Well, if it helps at all," "I think he's right downstairs." "Really?" "I" " I haven't seen him since the day I... left the fence unlatched and he got out." "She seems nice." "( clank )" "Oh." "Hoo-hoo." "Boy, I shouldn't wait a week to irrigate my ears." "Mr. Kraft, we have a surprise for you." "Willard, darling." "No." "No." "No, no, no, no, no." "No, no, no." "This is a bad dream." "( screams )" "( door slams ) I'm so glad he's still alive." "Hey, Valerie, I made an appointment at a portrait studio and I have the perfect way to get Sabrina there and keep it a surprise." "I'll tell her war has broken out and I have to take her to a secret bomb shelter." "Or you could just blindfold her and tell her it's a surprise." "Okay." "So much for the sound-effect tapes I've been making." "Hello." "ZELDA:" "Oh, there you are, stranger." "I was beginning to worry about you." "Well, actually, I just came by to borrow some coriander." "I'm making dinner for Lucy." "Lucy's a nice lady." "Lucy?" "As in your ex-wife Lucy?" "Yes, apparently, she left a hole in my life, and I..." "You look nice, Zelda." "LUCY:" "Willie-poo!" "Coming." "Say goodbye to Uncle Willard." "I go to the trouble of brewing you a cup of my special herb tea and you disappear." "Is it just me or are men getting less obedient than they used to be?" "You must be Lucy." "I'm Zelda." "It's so nice to meet you." "I really miss you." "LUCY:" "Drink your tea, dear." "Oh." "Oh." "Lucy has pretty eyes and... thanks to her, no more runaway mucus." "No more tissues in the sofa cushion." "I can't wait." "LUCY:" "Well, if you'll excuse us," "I think a certain Willie-poo has a dinner to make." "Right, a dinner." "They seem civil... after all these years." "I think I'll, uh, take a little walk." "It's working." "Yay!" "And Aunt Zelda's okay, right?" "Absolutely." "This breakup was bound to happen sooner or later, and let's face it, the sooner the breakup, the less pain...for us." "( barking )" "( barks )" "Good, boy." "Yeah, baby!" "I can taste the fillets." "I'll just pretend his frothy spit is a garnish." "( barks )" "( sighs )" "It's so nice that... both of you could join us for a glass of wine." "Well, I knew there was no way" "I'd get this one out of the house without me, so I finally said, "Willie-poo, enough with the foot rubs."" "( Zelda chuckles )" "You know, he calls me "zoo-zoo."" "I do?" "Yes, and I call you "monkey."" "Like some godless hairy primate?" "No, like a cute little monkey with big eyes... and, now, he answers to "poo."" "There's a trade up." "I'll get more wine." "You two seem to be getting along well." "I like Lucy." "She's a nice lady." "Oh, stop." "I'm sorry." "Was that--?" "Was that bad?" "No, dear, it's a figure of speech." "Fig--?" "Y-you're not gonna hit me, then?" "( chuckling )" "ZELDA:" "Well..." "KRAFT:" "Ooh, I like your hair up like that." "LUCY:" "Willard!" "You look dehydrated." "Uh, didn't you wanna tell Zelda something?" "Yes." "( clears throat )" "Zelda, I'm moving out of the garage." "Lucy has room for me at her place." "So thanks." "I see." "Well, let me tell you something." "I" " I got you cable in that garage." "What am I doing?" "I'm groveling." "I'm debasing myself for a man." "I sound like Hilda." "Well, we should go." "Your best friend Dexter's coming over, isn't he?" "Shall I carry you, dear?" "No, not this time." "We'll see ourselves out." "I do not debase myself for a man." "I'm worried about Aunt Zelda." "Oh, yeah, her." "Boy, it's a good thing you found out about it now, eh, Zellie?" "I don't blame Willard." "He seems happy." "You don't mind?" "Oh, when you truly care about someone, you" "You want what's best for them... but I'm gonna miss him." "Told you it was for the best." "I really don't know why I care about that man, just he makes me so happy." "Aunt Zelda, you don't know the whole story." "Lucy's from the Other Realm." "I brought her back." "You what?" "!" "Aunt Hilda and I brought her back." "We had to." "He did yoga in a unitard." "Wait a minute." "Lucy's a witch?" "Yeah, and she's using magic to get him back." "He doesn't like her, it's the tea talking." "How dare you two try to break up Willard and me." "Don't dwell on the past." "You can compete with Lucy." "Start brewing potions pronto." "Try the All's-Fair- in-Love-and-War spell." "Quick." "I think she's ordering him an ear tag." "Maybe one little potion." "I've got to get that modem fixed." "Oh, look, your hair's down again." "I guess everything eventually loses the battle with gravity." "( gavel pounds )" "JUDGE:" "Silence!" "Do you know why the council pulled you in here, ladies?" "Because you're lonely?" ""Two witches battling over a mortal..."" "A vice principal?" "He's a heartbeat away from running the entire high school." "And he loves me." "Your Honor, I'm not involved with thi" "Silence!" "Well, you know the law." "The Witches' Council has clearly stated that cases such as these must be settled in an appropriate forum, one that is fair and full of wisdom." "AUDIENCE ( chanting ):" "Jerry!" "Jerry!" "Jerry!" "The Jerry Springer Show?" "You know, uh, Zelda thought she had a good thing going with Willard until his ex-wife Lucy came to town with a simple warning:" ""Get your hands off my mortal."" "AUDIENCE:" "Ooh!" "Why are they so excited?" "Because he's my man." "You were just keeping him warm till I got back." "AUDIENCE:" "Ooh!" "Obviously, you're very upset." "Uh, tell us how it all started." "Well, you have to understand," "Mr. Kraft is not just Zelda's boyfriend." "He's also my vice principal." "AUDIENCE:" "Ooh!" "And my ex-boyfriend." "AUDIENCE:" "Whoo!" "It was really hard living with him, so we decided to bring back his ex-wife." "( audience jeers )" "We didn't know she was a witch!"