" WHY SHOULD YOU CALL US AFTER AN ACCIDENT?" " BECAUSE THERE'S TOO MUCH AT STAKE TO FIGHT ALONE." " YOU FOCUS ON GETTING BETTER." "Okay, this is going to be a little cold." "I'm going to put some jelly on your belly." "(laughs)" "Richard, we talked about this." "Sorry." "Wait, wait!" "What'd I miss?" "Dr. Volk was just about to put some jelly on the belly." "(laughs)" "You know, it's okay if you want to wait outside." "This is for family only." "Oh, I'm family." "I was married to him and we have a kid, so technically I'm the baby's... stepmom once-divorced." "Twice-divorced." "Twice-divorced" "Okay, well, what we're going to be looking for..." "Wait, wait, wait." "We're here." "And you are?" "Oh, I'm the brother of the father's first ex-wife." "And that's my dad." "So I'm the baby's half-brother." "Okay, do you guys mind if we get started?" "If we wait any longer, we can meet the baby in person." "Let's do it." "All right." "BARB:" "Wait, wait!" "Don't start!" "What'd I miss?" "Did they already put the jelly on the belly?" "I'm just going to assume that you're a part of this oddly-exteed family, since you share the same sophisticated sense of humor." "I'm practically the most related." "I'm his wife." "Wait." "What?" "Then who are you?" "His ex-fiancÃÂ©e." "But he was once married to you?" "Yeah, so was she." "Twice-divorced." "Okay." "So, we have the ex-fiancÃÂ©e, the ex-wife, the ex-wife of the ex-wife, who is the father's current wife, brother, half-son." "Can we start or are we waiting for the incestuous uncle?" "Oh, Uncle Don's coming?" "No, he's not." "We're good." "All right, there is the sac." "Oh, a boy!" "Thank God." "I was going to pretend I'd be happy if it was a girl." "The egg sac." "I'd be fine if it was a girl." "And that right there is your baby." "My baby." "Our baby." "(gasps):" "My baby!" "Wasn't that amazing?" "Seeing that sonogram of that baby." "Looking into the face of that perfect little person." "How'd you get "person" from tt?" "Looked like something my grandfather hocked up." "Hey, hey!" "You're talking about our baby." "You know it's not your baby, right?" "Yeah, of course." "I'm just the half-mother." "Hmm." "How do you figure?" "Well, I was married to Richard and I'm the mother of his first child." "When the baby's born, it'll be the half-sibling of my full son, making me the half-mother." "Half-witted mother." "Yeah, you can make all the jokeyou want, but I was moved." "You know, we're really a family." "We're making it work." "And now, we're having a baby." "And frankly, I'm relieved, you know?" "'Cause it takes the pressure off of me having another kid right now." "I think that pressure you're feeling is menopause." "Shut up!" "Okay?" "I was moved." "And to show how supportive I am of New Christine," "I'm going to give her Ritchie's old bassinet and some of his clothes." "And my breast pump from up in the attic." "Oh, God." "Thas a breast pump?" "I thought that was a bong." "Oh, I gotta..." "I gotta go scrape my tongue." "Wow, I thought you didn't like New Christine." "Well, now that she's having my baby," "I feel a little different." "Yeah, now that I've smoked your breast milk," "I feel a little different, too." "Hi, New Christine." "Hi, Old Christine." "New Christine, I want you to know how grateful I am that you let me be a part of yousonogram this morning." "Of course, you're family." "And not just because you were intimate with my dad." "Thank you." "And I have a gift for you." "From me to you." "From one mother to another mother." "Oh, it's beautiful!" "What is it?" "A dog bed?" "No, no, it's Ritchie's old bassinet." "I wanted to give it to the new baby." "From me to you." "From the original" "(voice cracking):" "to the sequel." "I don't know what to say." "It's such a big gesture." "It's a huge gesture." "I love this bassinet." "Ritchie spent the first three years of his life in here." "I've got other stuff for you, too." "As soon as I get the seeds out of it, my breast pump is all yours." "You had seeds in your breasts?" "Does that happen?" "Oh, no, no, no, but get ready to watch your nipples expand to the size of flapjacks." "Are you sure you're ready to give it up?" "Well, it's going to be hard." "It's the last remnant I have of my baby boy." "I mean, you know, except for my baby boy." "Maybe you should keep it." "No, no, no." "I want you to have it." "From me to you." "From my empty uterus to your full uterus." "Take it, New Christine." "Thank you, Old Christine." "Yeah, yeah, you ca take it from me." "Well, I'm trying." "Well, just yank it." "Just rip it away." "You're holding on really tight." "Just take it, okay?" "I want you to have it." "Well, then, let it go." "I can't." "Okay?" "You're going to have to knock me out or something and then... pry it out of my cold, dead hands." "(panting)" "Thank you for your generous gift." "You're welcome." "Enjoy it." "Okay, now I see it." "That's amazing." "Looks just like Richard'face." "I think that's the baby's butt, but I definitely see what you're saying." "Hey, how'd it go?" "Well, I'm not going to lie, Barb." "It was a huge gesture." "Well, we are proud of you." "I know being generous doesn't come easy for you." "Thank you, Matthew." "I'm proud of myself, too." "To tell you the truth, I wasn't sure I could do it." "I was." "I know deep down you're a good person." "Yeah, me, too." "You just have to have as much faith in yourself as other people have in you." "Yeah." "I gotta get it back." "I knew she couldn't do it." "Yeah, I had no faith in her, either." "Hi." "I know I just made a huge gesture by giving you Ritchie's bassinet, but it turns out I'm not really ready to give it up, so I'd like to have it back, but I'd still like to have credit" "for making the huge gesture." "Oh." "But don't worry." "I got you a brand-new bassinet." "And it's top-of-the-line." "Well, it's middle-of-the-line." "Well, it's cpletely safe." "Well..." "I appreciate it, but I can't give you back the bassinet." "Why not?" "It's mine." "It was yours, and then you gave it tme." "Oh, you can't have possibly gotten so attached to it in the last two hours that you can't give it back." "I went a different way." "I threw it out." "What?" "You better be kidding me." "Oh, Christine, I'm sorry." "It was so nice of you." "And maybe you couldn't tell at your house, but at my house it really smelled." "And I tried to clean it, but the paint came off on the rag." "And then I was walking it past the fireplace and it caught on fire." "But you still gecredit for the gesture." "I-I-I just can't believe this." "That was a family heirloom." "You can't get those anymore." "Because the Chinese government banned production." "They're highly flammable." "You're not allowed to take them on airplanes." "They use them to light fireworks on Chinese New Year." "Okay, I get it." "They catch on fire." "Hey, what's going on?" "Why don't you tell him?" "Christine..." "Gave her Ritchie's bassinet for the new baby, and she..." "Go ahead." "Tell him." "I..." "Burnt it." "And threw it out." "Yeah, that's right." "She threw out our son's bassinet." "I know." "I was there." "What?" "You..." "Threw out the bassinet with me." "I'm sorry." "It was old." "And we didn't want to hurt your feelings." "What?" "It's notbout rting feelings." "Dumb-ass!" "Ear-hair!" "Ape-walk!" "It's about throwing out a precious family heirloom!" "That wasn't an heirloom." "Your Uncle Don got that bassinet at a garage sale." "He only gave it to us because he wanted you to hug him." "Whose side are you on, Richard?" "I'm on her side." "It's her baby." "If she wants to put it in a new bassinet, that's her right." "No, it's our baby." "Our baby." "Yeah, our baby." "And as half-mother, I think I should have a say." "Christine, you're not the baby's half-mother." "Okay, fine." "Co-mother." "No." "Sister-in-law?" "No.Wait a m." "She gets to be the stepmother of my child and the mother of the new baby, and I get, what, nothing?" "How is that fair?" "Not nothing." "You get to be the mother of my first baby." "Oh, well, thank you for acknowledging that you have another child." "Or are you just going to throw him out, too?" "Of course not." "I love Ritchie." "Where is Ritchie?" "I don't know." "The poinis that you have clearly moved on from me." "Yes!" "I'm having a new baby with New Christine." "New baby, New Christine, new bassinet..." "Yeah, out with the old, in with the new." "All that grand talk about one, big happy family." "That was just a lie?" "You were the only one talking about it." "A lie!" "I mean, I may be Old Christine, but I will not be treated like that old bassinet." "I think you're on fire." "Aw, shoot." "You guys, I have some devastating news." "What's going on there?" "Must have caught on fire." "Okay, it turns out that Richard and New Christine have no intention of sharing their new baby with me." "And I was so excited about having a new baby in the family." "And now I got nothing." "You got Ritchie." "Ah, he's old." "Anyway, he's kind of done with me." "You know, I was so looking forward to having a new baby with that new baby smell." "And they're so little." "And when you hold them, they can't get away from you." "Well, there's nothing you can do about it." "They get to raise their baby the way they want to." "Oh, yeah, there's something I can do, and I'm going to do it." "They'll catch you, Christine." "They always find those babies." "Nope." "I'm going to have my own baby." "And I'm going to be an airplane." "What?" "What is that supposed to mean?" "It seems just as likely." "Now, hold on, hold on, hold on." "Actually, I've-I've been reading a lot of scienfic journals lately, and it's definitely possible." "Thank you, Matthew." "Of course I can have a baby." "No, I was talking about her becoming an airplane." "Shut up, okay!" "I am plenty fertile." "In fact, I'm having more periods now than I have ever had before." "Come on." "You're-You're going to have a baby just to spite Richard?" "No, it's not spite." "I'm just not ready to be done." "You know, I have a lot of love that I could give to a baby." "This has nothing to do with Richard." "Where are you going?" "To get Richard's sperm." "What?" "!" "Yeah." "I mean, we know he's fertile, and I know how to get it out of him." "I'll be back in 20 minutes." "Christine, I'm so happy you're here." "We feel horrible about throwing away your old barbecue bassinet." "If there's anything we can do to make it up to you." "I want Richard's sperm." "I was thinking more along the lines of a Starbucks gift card." "Wait." "What are you talking about?" "I've decided I want to have another baby, and I want you to be the father." "Maybe an iPod Nano?" "It makes perfect sense." "Look, this may be my last chance to have a baby, and I don't want it to be with some stranger." "And don't you think it would be weird if the new baby had a different father than Ritchie?" "Not as weird as you and me having another baby." "In case you've forgotten," "New Christine is currently pregnant with my baby." "So?" "I mean, we're a family now." "I was intimate with her father." "You just lost your Starbucks gift card." "RICHARD:" "Are you crazy?" "New Christine would never allow me to have a baby with you." "Would you?" "I don't know." "Wasn't really ready for that question." "I'll have to think about it." "Really?" "You'll think about it?" "If it's anything like threesomes," ""I'll think about it" means "no."" "How long do you think she's going to think about it?" "I don't know, but I can't stay in "ready mode" too much longer." "I've made my decision." "I want you to know, I've refully weighed both sides." "On one hand, he's the father of my child." "Our relationship is in a very tenuous phase, after going through a very rocky time, in which you played a very major part." "On the other hand, if you had a baby, maybe you would leave us alone." "My decision is yes." "What?" "What?" "Look, Old Christine's right." "She probably has one, maybe two good eggs left." "Really?" "You think I have two eggs?" "Even if she could trick a man into getting her pregnant, there's no way he'd be as good a father as you." "And she wouldn't be able to hold onto him anyway." "But don't you think it would be weird?" "How much weirder could it be?" "You're married to your ex-wife's best friend who used to be married to your ex-wife, and I got pregnant while thinking about your ex-wife's brother." "Wait." "What?" "You have my full permission to use Richard's sperm." "Oh!" "Really?" "Thank you, New Christine." "You' welcome, Old Christine." "Wow." "You are the coolest woman ever." "That doesn't mean you get to have sex with her." "Oh." "Still, pretty cool." "So, what do you think?" "Is it possible for me to conceive?" "Well, let's see what we've got." "You know, if you guys could move a tiny bit closer, that would be awesome." "Sorry." "We're just excited to see what's inside there." "It's like when they cut that shark open in Jaws." "Okay, all of you just shut up, okay?" "I don't remember New Christine getting these jokes when she was lying on the table." "Well, so far all I see is an old boot and a New Jersey license plate." "I'm starting to get you guys now." "Come on!" "What's going on in there?" "Well, the uterus lining is still thick." "Good-bye." "There is a good amount of mucus." "Oh, I'll be in the car." "Your ovaries are functioning." "Your fallopian tubes are open and healthy." "I'd say for a woman your age, you have an excellent chance of getting pregnant." "She does?" "Yes, but I would not wait too long." "You need to find a donor sooner rather than later." "Oh, I found a donor." "He's going to do it." "But isn't he the father of..." "Yeah." "It was either that or a Starbucks gift card." "That's it for me." "God, I can't wait to be pregnant again." "(chuckles) I don't have to dye my hair or watch what I eat." "I can say what I want." "I can have gas if I want." "How far along are you?" "Look at all of these clothes." "I can't wait to wear them." "Oh!" "(laughs)" "Look at this thing." "Can you believe I was ever this big?" "That's my bra." "All right, that's it." "I'm leaving again." "I don't know why I hang out here." "I'll wk you to your car." "Here, d-do you want me to carry those for you?" "Hi, Aunt Barb." "Hey, Ritchie." "Hey, Barb." "Looking good." "I swear to God I'm not coming back here." "Hey, Mom." "Hey, Ritchie." "You know what?" "I was just going through these clothes and it made me remember when you were in my tummy." "Gross." "You see?" "This is why I need a new baby." "Are we really going to do this?" "Sure, it's a perfect plan." "How's it going to work?" "I don't know." "You go to a clinic." "You watch an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer." "Nine months later, we're done." "No, not that." "What about after Buffy?" "When the baby actually is born?" "What?" "That's the easy part." "We already did that once." "Yeah, but that's when wwere in our 30s." "Oh, uh, for the cord, people still think I'm in my 30s." "Oh, let me set the record straight." "No, they don't." "I mean, when this kid graduates from high school, we're going to be in our 60s." "Oh, Richard!" "You stink at math." "No." "Look, if you take my age and you add 18, and then you carry the the..." "Uh, you, uh..." "Oh, my God." "I'm gointo be 97?" "No, wait a minute." "That can't be right." "No!" "The point is, we'll be old and tired." "I'm old and tired now." "I just got my nipples looking human again." "Looking good." "Right?" "Okay, Christine, what's the real reason you want to have another baby?" "The real reason?" "Yeah." "Oh, I got lots of reasons." "Uh, I don't like feeling left out." "I don't like New Christine having something th I don't have." "I don't like someone getting more attention than me." "All good reasons." "No, those aren't good reasons." "It's not like when u and I had Ritchie to save our marriage." "That was a good reason." "Richard, are you getting cold feet?" "I don't know." "It would change everything." "Yeah." "Maybe you're right." "Maybe it would change everything." "I mean, I really like my life the way it is now." "Me, too." "I mean, and Ritchie is at a great age." "I mean, half the time I don't even know where he is anymore." "We've waited 13 years for this freedom." "Richard, I don't think I want a baby." "I don't want a baby, either." "Wow." "(laughs)" "We almost did something really stupid." "Really stupid." "Hey." "Oh, shoot." "So you decided not to have a baby?" "Yeah, that's right." "Then why are we doing this?" "I felt something kick."