"(Female announcer) previously on united states of tara... oh, it's amazing." "I love it." "Are your other personalities also talented?" "Heh!" "I want to meet one." "I didn't--no, no, no-- get out!" "Tiffany thinks one of your alters" "Broke into her place in the middle of the night." "Tara made a new friend." "Tiffany was a threat to the system." "It's just one of your alters showing a side we've never seen." "(Max) my money's on t." "Don't you have something at marshall's school?" "Whoo-hoo!" "Hi, max." "T's back." "Listen, your mom's fine." "She went a.w.o.l.?" "She's at that arcade place she likes." "You should go get her." "Did you find her?" "Yes, I have." "And she's not even in any trouble." "What happened to tiffany's mural?" "What?" "!" "They're staying over." "I want to have a party." "You just want to have a party so that that jason guy comes over." "Oh, my god." "You made it." "I'm going to kill my niece." "Whoo!" "[Laughter]" "There's my house, in case you ever want to drop by and" "And not have intercourse?" "Are you my mother?" "No way." "Then why are you inside my mother?" "[Contemplative music]" "* *" "* Open up the sky *" "* This mess is getting high *" "* It's windy, and our family needs a ride *" "* *" "* I know we'll be just fine *" "* When we learn to love the ride *" "* *" "* I know we'll be fine *" "* When we learn to love the ride *" "* *" "* I know we'll be just fine *" "* When we learn to love *" "* The ride *" "Tuong duong." "That's where it all went down." "Two clicks off the mekong river." "We were hunkered down in the shit." "Never saw those gook fucks comin'." "For my sins..." "They left me alive." "I was the only one." "[Exhaling deeply]" "They all said I was lucky." "Was I?" "Hooo-oo-oo-oo-unh!" "Missing something?" "[Sighs]" "Come on in." "Yo!" "Oh..." "Fuck you, asshole." "Tara?" "yeah, it's me." "Oh, what happened to my hand?" "Buck went a little colonel kurtz last night." "We were at the chiefs game, fireworks went off." "You went to the bathroom and never came back." "Ah, jesus!" "My head is killing me." "Can I just crash," "Or do we got something going on today?" "(Max) oh, you're never gonna believe it." "(max) hey, frank." "(woman) hi, honey." "Shoulda been here an hour ago, but..." "I mean, who works construction" "On a friday afternoon?" "Ooh, hi, sweetie." "You be careful with this, it's charmaine's birthday present." "I'll try not to break it, mom." "Don't." "Hey..." "Hey, honey." "Look at you!" "Big tank you got there, frank." "What kind of gas mileage you getting?" "I'll give you a tour later." "Hi, grandpa." "How you doin'?" "good." "thank you." "Hi." "Anyway, it's got swiveling captains chairs." "It's got a master bedroom with a king-size bed." "He's turning into a real lady-killer." "Yeah, he's our very own kevin spacey." "I gotta go to work." "Good for you!" "Come straight home after." "Are you still alive?" "She's working already?" "Mm-hmm." "I didn't have a job until I was 22." "(frank) what are you talking about?" "You never worked a day in your life." "Who put you through school" "Working the hosiery department at dillards?" "One year." "[Scoffs] what happened to your hand?" "Oh, nothing." "Just...car trunk." "Hey, so I was gonna put out some sandwich stuff." "you guys hungry or..." "Yeah, I could eat." "I'll get it." "I got it." "Well, you're doing enough as it is," "What with us and charmaine's birthday party." "We talked about this." "It's" "Wouldn't it just be easier" "To go someplace nice?" "Mom, it's fine." "This is what charmaine wants." "Hey, you wanna give me a hand?" "Right behind you." "[Choking sounds]" "[Chuckles] at least they're consistent." "Oh, god." "Roast beef's in the drawer." "Why do I let 'em do it?" "The minute they walk in here, I just get...mmm." "You know what's gonna happen?" "They're gonna push and push and push." "And bam, alice is gonna be there" "Cutting my dad's steak up into small pieces." "[Southern accent] well, that's how bobby dole likes it." "I really don't want a transition." "Okay." "What?" "Nothin'." "I didn't say I could do it." "I just said I didn't want to." "I didn't say nothin'." "I'm cutting these tomatoes." "I thought you got a new sofa." "No." "Hmm." "I'm taking some xanax." "Hey, I thought we were through with that." "I won't make it." "You'll make it." "Look, that's what we signed up for, all right?" "If buck shows up at charmaine's party," "Then that's what happens." "They gotta deal with it, right?" "Who knows, could be fun." "Fuck 'em!" "Let your freak flag fly." "This is supposed to be well-done, people." "Hey..." "So those stepford bitches at table 24" "Are really hoovering up that pie, huh?" "Yeah." "Listen, when you're finished slicing that egg," "The sauce guns need new filling." "okay." "You've been kind of zeroed out lately." "Did I fuck up or something?" "What?" "No, you're aces." "Can I get a side of refried barnabeenz" "For table six, please?" "yeah." "[Bev sighs]" "Uhh..." "Morning, honey." "[Snorts] uhh..." "What the heck?" "I wet the fucking bed." "Wha" "Oh, frank." "How many parking tickets, neil?" "Okay, that's it." "You're not driving my truck anymore." "All right, I'll get there as soon as I can." "Hey, I picked up a nice nebbiolo." "It's a grape from northern italy." "Light, uncomplicated." "Will it get me drunk?" "Heh heh." "Paul anka drinks it." "Hey, how are things lately?" "Good." "Everything's good." "[Car alarm chirps]" "Come on, you know what I'm talking about." "How are things with you and tara?" "Uh, no complaints." "Really?" "Well, bev and I were talking." "You know, if you two ever want to take a little break," "You could always send the kids to stay with us." "Like a weekend?" "Yeah, a weekend, several weeks, a couple of months." "What are you talking about, frank?" "The kids have been through a lot." "Come on, we both know things have been a little crazy lately." "We just want what's best for the kids." "Truck nuts." "What are truck nuts?" "Fucking buck!" "I told him ten times to stop customizing my truck." "Uh, apparently they're illegal." "You know, the cops didn't think they were too funny." "Honestly, I don't get the logic myself." "Does the-- does the truck have a dick?" "Or is the truck the dick?" "If the truck is the dick, then the balls are way too small." "Okay, I gotta get outta here." "Hey, pal, what do I owe you?" "683 Bucks, and I gotta see the title." "I don't have a title." "Well, then, you don't have a truck." "Son of a bitch!" "Max, I'll drop by later." "I'll pick up the title, okay?" "Bad day, man." "I am having a bad fuckin' day." "Tara's parents want to take the kids." "Does tara know about this?" "No way." "You kidding?" "It'd put her over the fuckin' edge." "I don't know, maybe it's not a bad thing." "What's wrong with you?" "I'm just saying it's been a rough couple of months." "You know, a little break." "You know, work some shit out." "You work this shit out." "How hard can it be to find aunt charmaine a birthday present?" "I couldn't think of anything." "A coffee card, a book, some bubble bath..." "If it comes from you, she's gonna love it." "No, she won't." "Okay, this is crazy." "What is the deal with you guys?" "I don't know, ask her." "She just always hates me." "Marshall, that's not true." "Hey." "Hey." "Where's your dad?" "Oh, he fell asleep on the couch watching the game." "I was thinking about what we talked about last night." "I don't want to tell you what to do." "You want to take a xanax, take a xanax." "What's the matter?" "My flag too freaky for you?" "No, I just spent an hour with your father," "And I almost became buck just to kick his ass." "This isn't usually my style," "But I'm headin' down to xanax town." "You wanna come?" "I'm gonna say nope to dope." "You're right." "We made a decision." "No pills." "I mean, I don't want anything to happen," "But if it does, it does." "I'm okay with it." "(tara) it's not my idea." "charmaine wants to do it." "Well, I don't remember how to play." "It's the same game we always play." "She likes it." "She's good at it." "That's because we let her win." "That's not true." "It is true." "You know, I once had lunch with george brett." "[Door shuts]" "* Let's get this party started *" "Whoo!" "Happy birthday to you, honey." "You look beautiful!" "Thanks." "You look thin." "Thank you, daddy." "Happy birthday, aunt charmaine." "Where's, uh, kate?" "(max) good question." "Kate!" "You want me to open this?" "We're not eating for an hour." "(bev) how could you do this to you sister?" "Do what?" "Make her work so hard." "(tara) mom..." "We could have gone to pierponts." "Yeah, you could have had a steak." "Should I just leave?" "Dad, just leave it alone." "I'm just worried about her." "She looks thin." "Well, you know, she never eats." "And when she eats, she eats alone." "Wow." "Wine?" "With a straw." "hey, we're gonna play that game" "You're so good at." "[Clears throat]" "Has it been like this all day?" "All day." "Oh, happy birthday, aunt charmaine." "Sorry I can't kick it up, but I gotta hit it." "Where are you going?" "In my uniform?" "I'm off to iraq." "I thought you weren't working." "Well, I just got called in." "This chick emily, her dad just took off," "So her mom slit her wrists, like a dumbass." "Left to right, not up and down." "It was on the news." "Fine." "Let her go." "Hey, what are you yelling about?" "Well, all of a sudden kate says she has to go into work." "I--this is not my choice." "This is an emergency," "And I'm trying to be a team player here." "Hey, your mom worked her ass off." "Go in that room, put a smile on your face right now." "Dad...pleeeease!" "move your ass." "[Kate sighs dramatically] (max) no eye rolling." "Oh, fuck." "All right, so I look like shit." "I've got no makeup on," "And I get out of the car to rip this guy a new one." "and guess who it is." "My ex-boyfriend, chris hunter." "You remember him?" "Oh, yeah." "(frank) no, I don't remember him." "(bev) yeah, I think I do." "Yeah." "So, marshall..." "Mom." "What?" "charmaine's telling a story." "Oh, don't worry about it." "oh, I thought she was done." "Oh, I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." "No, go ahead." "Finish your story." "What happens?" "What happens?" "[Chuckles] I said I was done." "That's all." "so, marshall..." "You got a girlfriend?" "(kate) oh, yeah, she's really hot." "Moosh, tell her about your hot girlfriend." "Kate, knock it off." "Yeah, I bet she's a real looker, huh?" "Yeah, grandpa." "She's a real looker." "You know, she's got a great set of walking sticks." "I met her when she entered my private eye office." "[Laughter] grandpa, you should see her." "She's got these big blue eyes" "And nine uncut inches." "(max) hey, time for you to go to work." "What--I thought this was what" "You wanted me to do." "No, no, no." "You're gonna be late." "Go." "(kate) I'm just starting to have fun." "Yeah, that's why you're leaving." "Bye, honey." "(kate) bye, grandma." "(bev) so, marshall, you'll never guess" "What opened up in our house in the mall." "This little book store with the most adorable coffee shop." "and when I saw it I said to myself, [knock on door] marshall is just gonna love this." "hey." "I thought I smelled a party in here." "hey, guys." "[Sniffs] oh, my god." "Who's huffin' the skunk weed...bev?" "Bev, are you huffing and passing?" "hey, all right." "Listen, forget I'm here." "I just dropped by to see max." "Do you have the title?" "The title." "Yeah." "The title." "Yeah, yeah, gimme a sec." "All right." "Tara, when are you gonna bring the kids" "Over to our place?" "(frank) yeah, they haven't seen the new pool." "(bev) you should that happen." "Honey, I heard a little ding." "I think I smell smoke." "Charmaine." "Nice to see you again, neil." "yeah." "Um, max said it was your birthday," "So, uh..." "I, uh..." "I brought you this." "Oh." "It looks like champagne, but it's bubble bath." "For...whatever." "You know, just..." "I, uh-- I got, um" "I'm gonna go help tara in the kitchen." "Cool." "Okay." "These are for-- for anyone, right?" "Help yourself." "The nuts are nice." "Oh." "Really?" "You think I'm that lonely?" "What?" "Oh, neil just shows up out of the blue?" "No, char, I swear." "I would not do that to you." "Oh, come on." "[Imitating neil] I just came by to get the title." "Charmaine, I promise." "Why would I" "I shouldn't even have told you." "Told me what?" "About--about me and neil a year ago." "After the todd rundgren concert." "That was neil?" "Oh..." "Oh, charmaine." "Hey, hey, did max" "Neil, um, you know what?" "Uh, it's nice that you popped by," "But I don't think it's gonna work out." "I got the title." "Thank you--beat it." "Oh, okay." "Here I go." "Okay." "What?" "You okay?" "Yeah." "Yeah?" "I'm still here." "Okay." "No, I'm good." "Okay." "Hey, frank." "Hey, max." "I was just telling marshall here," "Since he's into theatrics," "That he could get a walk-on part" "At the mosely street melodrama." "You know, they have a buffet." "The audience yells at the actors." "Wow, that sounds great, doesn't it?" "When do I get to see that rv?" "Well, let's go." "See you later, grandpa." "Yeah." "Come on in." "This is the command center." "The captain's chair." "And every captain needs a captain's hat." "I don't give a fuck about the rv, frank." "this stuff with my kids, I want it to stop." "Come on, max, we're just trying to help." "Yeah, last time you tried to help," "Tara didn't speak to you for two years." "All right, let's just drop it, go inside, have a nice dinner, eat some cake and get a good night's sleep, okay?" "Yeah, I'll sleep when I know the kids are safe." "My kids are safe." "Maybe you should have spent more time" "Looking after yours." "You know it's against company policy" "To wear your barnabeez uniform when you're off duty." "You shouldn't be here." "You're gonna get us both fired." "My parents are driving me shithouse." "I didn't know where else to go." "Well, you're here now." "You might as well come in." "This is my roommate kurt." "He runs the houlihan's in belton." "Right now I'm just a guy watching battlestar." "[Chuckles]" "This is kate." "She works for me." "We'll be in my room." "Do you want a beer or something?" "Sure." "I don't have any." "Cool." "Cool." "[battlestar galactica droning]" "That was the same summer you let that creepy girl" "(Tara and charmaine) cut my hair!" "Oh, it was stupid." "Andrea martelli." "(frank) what is this, cod?" "(bev) it's tilapia." "Do I like tilapia?" "I don't know, frank." "Didn't you guys also grow up with that weird kid" "Who was related to h.l. Mencken?" "Oh, yeah, the was me." "I went to boarding school with toby mencken." "Well, if we knew then what we know now," "Nobody would have gone to boarding school." "What about their beautiful brochure?" "I mean, I know you paid a price, but what an education." "[tara gasps] and the scenery." "Mmm..." "All right, come on." "Open your presents." "Let's go." "What is it?" "It's a picture from when she took me" "To the indian casino." "I think I was about five." "It's my favorite picture of us." "I wanted you to have it." "Fantastic." "What's next?" "Really, char?" "That's all you're gonna say?" "(charmaine) what?" "Thank you for the magnificent gift." "I'm gonna make some coffee." "(charmaine) oh...gift card from barnes  noble." "okay." "oh, who's this from?" "(bev) it's from me, sweetheart." "(charmaine) I bet I know what it is." "[Indistinct chatter]" "Are you okay?" "Too many dishes." "Come with me." "(Max) come on." "[Tara chuckles] what are we doing?" "I have no idea." "(Max) I'm gonna..." "Do anything I can." "You are not gonna transition" "And leave me alone with these people!" "Come on, faster!" "[Laughing] slow down." "Huh?" "Do you feel better?" "I'm gonna spray the yard with tilapia," "But other than that I'm okay." "I'm me." "Good." "(Max) okay, good night." "Oh, fuck." "[Playing poorly and off key]" "* The dream police they live inside of my head *" "* The dream police they come to me in my bed * * the dream police they're coming to arrest me * * oh, no *" "[Stops playing]" "What are we doing here?" "What do you mean?" "I mean us." "You and me." "what is this?" "I don't know." "[Cheap trick's dream police]" "* *" "* The dream police they live inside of my head *" "* The dream police they come to me in my bed * * the dream police they're coming to arrest me * * oh, no *" "Wait." "I want to show you something." "* And those rumors ain't nice *" "* And when I can't tell lies *" "* 'Cause they're listening to me *" "It's just one of my inventions." "* And when I fall asleep *" "[Vibrating] * I don't think I'll survive *" "Don't worry..." "It's for me." "* The dream police they live inside of my head *" "* Live inside of my head *" "* The dream police they come to me in my bed *" "* Come to me in my bed * * oh, no *" "It's an actor?" "Uh, glenn ford." "James mason!" "[Making buzzer sound]" "Goose egg for both of you." "How can you not know gregory peck?" "Oh, gregory peck!" "Gregory peck." "Okay, who's next?" "Uh, you and marsh." "You're going down, marshall." "I'm going to kick your brainy brains in." "Remember, let her win." "Okay, on your mark, get set..." "Go." "Governor of massachusetts, ran for president in '88." "Newt gingrich." "No, no, no." "Greek guy with the big, bushy eyebrows." "Ron gephardt." "Think tank..." "Pass." "Okay." "Okay, most people know this person as dr." "Seuss." "Dr. Seuss!" "(marshall) theodore geisel." "That's it." "Marsh got it." "yeah, good one, marsh." "Okay..." "[Clears throat]" "Oh, pbbbt..." "Partners with david brinkley." "Chet huntley." "Who the fuck is that?" "(Frank) just play." "All right." "Next clue." "Fatty..." "Arbuckle." "(marshall) roscoe arbuckle." "Fatty arbuckle." "[Tara laughs]" "Tara, I'm very disappointed in you." "I don't know why you insist" "On depriving the children." "Depriving them of what?" "All right, all right." "Come on." "This is a wonderful opportunity for them." "We know the headmaster of the hunter school." "They could start immediately." "What?" "It's not a boarding school, tara." "It's just a private school." "And they'd be living at home with us." "Living with you?" "What are you talking about?" "[Bell dings]" "Well, didn't max tell you?" "Didn't max tell me what?" "(bev) we want the children to move in with us." "Why?" "Well, I think you know why." "Tara..." "You knew about this?" "No, I didn't." "I" "Is this why you wanted me to take the xanax?" "What the fuck?" "!" "Sweetheart, it'll be better" "For marshall and kate." "Oh..." "Just let 'em stay with us, like when they were babies." "We lived with them?" "I need you then." "I do not need you now." "why didn't you tell me about this?" "'Cause it was a stupid idea." "didn't even consider it." "stupid?" "Who's calling anybody stupid?" "Yeah, I'll tell you what's stupid." "Dressing up like a man," "Putting on a moustache costume and hitting some kid in the face." "There's no moustache." "Who told you that?" "Why?" "Because the only reason they call me" "Is to find out about you." "That's not true." "It's been true" "My entire life." "it's always about tara." "Yeah, I know, I'm not interesting or crazy," "And I didn't get raped at boarding school." "but I'm sick of being an afterthought." "I'm always the one who ends up" "With a sweater..." "And a gift certificate to barnes  noble." "And a fucking..." "Polaroid picture." "I want a big house, and I want a great fuckin' boyfriend." "and I am never gonna fuckin' have those things because my idiot ex-husband" "Made me get a boob job," "And now I'm stuck with these!" "Oh, char, there's nothing wrong with your breasts." "Really, mom?" "What do you think of these?" "(max) tara..." "Well..." "Don't just sit there." "Write her a check." "Mom!" "I mean...jesus christ!" "Tara?" "Poor charmie." "Oh, my god!" "[Laughter]" "So, 34 years old." "Any regrets?" "I mean, apart from the last 20 minutes." "Shut up." "You know, if you're not taking that picture," "I want it back." "I'm taking it." "You know, when we took this trip," "You were so adorable." "You would just stand there when I was getting ready," "And just stare at me..." "Like I was a princess." "Mm..." "I hate that you grew up." "Sorry, can't help it." "Hmm." "I don't remember living with grandma and grandpa." "It was just six months," "When your mom was having a hard time." "One day we will get drunk," "And I will tell you all about it." "(frank) there you are, heh heh." "(bev) where have you been?" "Who wants cake?" "I do." "(bev) oh, I do." "(frank) I could eat." "yeah, I could always eat cake." "[Tv droning]" "[Thud]" "Tara?" "Tara!" "What the fuck?" "!" "(bev) oh...oh, for god's sake, frank." "you wet the bed again." "(frank) oh..." "More coffee?" "Yeah." "Bye, grandpa." "Okay." "Bye-bye." "Bye." "Bye-bye." "Bye." "I'll see you." "I'll see you, buddy." "Hey, uh, by the way," "Don't worry about the sheets-- I'll take care of it." "What?" "the bed sheets." "your secret's safe with me." "Don't worry." "It's tough getting old." "How can you take care of somebody else" "If you can't take care of yourself?" "Don't forget your captain's hat, captain." "[Clicks tongue]" "Well, I made it." "[Sighs]" "* *" "* Don't forget me *" "* When you grow old *" "* Oh, oh no *" "* Remember *" "* Remember *"