"Mom, what are you doing?" "Taking a bunch of your old crap to the dumpster." "Hey, hey, hey, hey!" "I'm saving some of this stuff." "For what?" "The Steve Sullivan museum?" "Yeah, maybe." "Museums are for people who rise out of obscurity, not people who throw away an expensive law degree to kiss obscurity on the ass." "Whoa!" "Check this out!" "That's Wack magazine." "I haven't seen this in years." "What's that?" "It's like Mad magazine, but edgier." "This is the classic Anne Frank issue." "Wait." "They made fun of Anne Frank?" "They didn't make fun of her." "They made fun of her situation." "Hiding from the Nazis?" "It can be funny if you come at it from the right angle." "I don't know." "Sounds offensive." "Yeah, that was a pretty controversial issue." "They had to pull it from the shelves." "Ah, people are so oversensitive." "Why can't they laugh anymore?" "You can't make fun of Nazis." "You can't make fun of 9/11." "You can't make fun of Jerry's kids." "You can't make fun of the gays." "You can't make fun of Indians, dot or feather." "Who the hell can you laugh at anymore?" "Just old, drunk white guys." "Hey!" "I have feelings, too, you know." "♪ da, da da da, da da da, da, da da ♪" "♪ da, da da da, da da da ♪" "♪ da da da, da da da, da da da da ♪" "♪ da, da da da, da da da, hey!" "♪" "I can't believe you guys think this is funny." "It's all these stupid jokes about Anne Frank making too much noise in the attic." "Come on." "You don't think this is funny?" "Anne Frank playing the cymbals and everybody trying to stop her." "No." "And neither is Anne Frank tap dancing." "Anne Frank yodeling." "Anne Frank setting off a car alarm?" "Just the idea of them getting a car up to the attic." "How about this?" "Okay, Anne Frank making cappuccinos for her family is pretty funny." " Hey, Owen." "Beer?" " Sure." "Is he going to pay you?" "It's the 15th of the month!" "It's pay your tab day." "We're still doing that?" "That crazy tradition where you pay for the things you take?" "Yeah." "We're still doing that." "Relax, mom." "The guys are good for it." "Steve!" "You told me I was in charge of collecting accounts." "I'm collecting accounts." "You have three days." "You don't pay -- ckk!" "Jack, can we get a few more weeks on our bar tabs?" "Sure." "Whatever." "Take your time." "Oh, damn." "I did it again, huh?" "You are too soft on them." "They need to pay their debt." "All you Americans need to pay your debt." "That's why the Chinese own your ass." "I should have my own tv news show." "Dad, when you ran the bar, how did you handle bar tabs?" "Well, it's sort of a balancing act." "See, my feeling is that when people are short, you cut them some slack, and then when they're flush, they pay." "Your mother's is put a bunch of oranges in a sack and beat the money out of them." "Look, guys, I don't want to sound like a jerk, but I do need you guys to take care of your bar tabs." "I hear you, Steve." "I got you on pay day." "Me, too." "So, when you guys say "pay day,"" "is that something that anybody can show up for?" "You have to have a job, Owen." "Hey, I have a job." "I'm a stay-at-home son." "We mean a real job." "I've had a real job." "Yeah, like 50 of them." "And some for as long as a full day." "Hey, thanks, fellas." "Thanks for giving me the confidence to get that 51st job." "Aw, poor Owen." "He has a hard time holding a job." "And there's a lot more money pressure now that his special-needs funding got cut off." "Owen is a special-needs child?" "Well, not really." "I fudged it some." "Money was tight when he was little." "So one day I took him down to the municipal building," "I combed his hair straight down," "I told him to hug the case worker too hard, and those checks started coming in every other Friday like clockwork." "Hey, Owen." "Don't worry about it." "When you have a job, you'll pay me." "When's that gonna happen?" "When the Berlin wall falls?" "Yeah, probably then." "Look, you just haven't found your thing." "Admit it, Steve." "I don't have a thing." "I'm not good at anything." "Let's just be honest with each other." "I'm a guy with nothing to offer." "Um, Owen?" "Yeah?" "You're pretty good at that." "At what?" "That." "Ever thought of playing the piano for a living?" "I don't know, Steve." "The largest crowd I ever played in front of is my 40 stuffed animals." "I played my heart out." "You know what I got?" "Blank stares." "But what if you played here?" "I mean, we've got the piano." "We've got real people." "Steve, are you offering me a job?" "Yeah, I am." "And you know what?" "Maybe you'll make enough to pay off your bar tab." "Oh, you're really banging that one like a gong, huh?" "I'm just saying maybe it's easier for you if you're doing something you love." "Maybe you're right." "You really think I could be a professional pianist?" "I think you could be huge pianist." "You just said "pianist."" "Can I get a beer?" "Can I get you to pay your tab?" "You said I had three days." "But that was yesterday." "The clock..." "is...ticking." "Tick, tock, little man." "Hey, guys." "Remember that magazine we found with Anne Frank on the cover?" "I just saw the same issue on eBay sold for $4,000." "Wow." "We should sell ours." "Way ahead of you." "Got a guy coming to check it out -- the top guy in Pittsburgh." "Wow." "That's great." "Now, I know we bought that thing together." "How about this split -- 10, 10, 80." "Hey, it was my idea to buy it in the first place." "Why don't we sell it, we'll split it evenly, and here's a thought -- you guys can use that money to take care of some of your obligations." "Oh, jackpot!" "The middle-school diary of Steve Sullivan." "Hey, give me that." "Check it out." "Somebody's a poet." ""Call it a crime." "Call it a felony." "Oh, but I am in love with Melanie."" "I didn't write that." "Then how about this?" ""I walk down the hall feeling like a loner, and when she passes, I get an instant"..." "I'm not gonna finish that." "Okay, I had a crush on you." "That's normal." "This wasn't normal." "Melanie, he was obsessed with you." "He would call you and hang up, call you and hang up." "I remember that." "That was you?" "My mom called the cops." "We almost moved." "Give me a break." "You had a little schoolgirl crush on me, too." "Write poems, that kind of thing." "No." "I didn't." "You used to sit next to me in class." "You're last name is Sullivan." "My last name is Sutton." "That's how the alphabet works." "Don't let them get to you, kid." "You're a Sullivan." "You can't be embarrassed." "My father spent most of 1973 with his fly unzipped." "He didn't care." "He loved the breeze." "Now, me, I adjust myself anytime...anywhere." "Don't listen to him." "You are embarrassing yourself." "Mom, I'm not embarrassed." "Well, you should be." "You have a loss of face." "To a Korean, that is the worst possible thing." "You might even find yourself wishing to take your own life." "Why do you always go to suicide?" "Because I was raised right." "Steve, you have to hide your emotions." "Never show them to anyone." "You have to bury your feelings deep down inside and squeeze them into a hard, little ball." "You should write a book on parenting." "I've been approached." "Ready to go, Steve." "Wow!" "Owen, I haven't seen you in a tux since prom." "I'm so pumped for this." "Thanks again for giving me this shot." "I will not let you down." "I even brought my own vocalist." "You're gonna love her." "I'm ready!" "You and your mom are gonna sing together?" "We do it at home every night." "Have since he was a little kid." "I don't believe in television." "Wow!" "Carol, you look like a hundred bucks!" "Well, thank you, Hank." "This is sort of my lucky dress." "I've worn this to every concert I've ever been to, and, boy, did I get noticed." "Check one, check one." "Steve, I have something for you." "What's this?" "When I was in the sixth grade," "Melanie passed me this note to give to you, but I never did." "Wow." "I knew it." "She did have a crush on me." "Why didn't you give this to me?" "'Cause I knew it would make you happy." "Why is this in plastic?" "When I realized mom loved you more," "I began to study you." "I saved everything." "I thought, if I could figure out what makes Steve Steve," "I could dethrone you." "Way to let things go." "Hola, people!" "Everybody feeling good?" "All right!" "I know I am." " And when I get" " Are they going to sing?" "Yeah, I thought I'd give Owen a chance." "I think it'll be fun." "Mother/son act." "How cool is that?" "I don't know." "This is a very unique mother and son." "♪ Baby, my heart's like an oven ♪" "♪ I need some lovin', some lovin' ♪" "♪ ba-a-a-by ♪" "♪ I can't take it much longer ♪" "♪ it's gettin' stronger and stronger ♪" "♪ when we get that feelin', we want ♪" "♪ sexual ♪ ♪ sexual healing ♪" "♪ sexual ♪" "♪ healing, it's good for me ♪" "♪ sexual ♪" "♪ healing ♪" "The romantic chemistry between them is very real." "♪ Sexual ♪" "Are they about to kiss?" "Because I don't think I'm ready for that." "♪ Wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up ♪" "♪ let's make love tonight ♪" "♪ get up, get up, get up, get up ♪" "♪ 'cause you do it right ♪" "♪ when we get that feeling, we want ♪" "♪ sexual ♪ ♪ sexual healing ♪" "♪ sexual ♪" "♪ healing ♪" "I've got to be honest." "I'm uncomfortable." "♪ Sexual healing ♪" "I know " " I feel like I need a safe word to watch this." "♪ It's good for us ♪" "♪ She's a very freaky girl ♪" "♪ the kind you don't take home to mother ♪" "♪ and she'll never let your spirits down ♪" "♪ once you get me off the street, ow ♪ ow!" "I think people are kind of getting used to the mother/son thing, right?" "I've got to do something." "Yeah, about two hours ago." "Hey, Steve, that collector guy just pulled up out front." "This is gonna be awesome." "We're gonna be so rich." "Wait a minute, fellas." "You only have one buyer?" "Yeah." "Well, you're screwed." "You need at least two to juice the action." "Which one of you is Steve?" "Uh, that's me." "Are you the comic-book guy?" "I prefer "collector of graphic narratives."" "Lyle Winkler, Steel Town Comics." "I'm Steve Sullivan." "I don't do that, Steve Sullivan." "I got my kit." "Where can I examine this thing?" "We have a men's room." "Boy, it just gets better and better with you guys." "♪ Mmm, this girl is pretty kinky ♪" "♪ my mom's a super freak ♪" "♪ I really love to taste her ♪" "♪ every time we meet ♪" "♪ she's all right ♪" " ♪ she's all right ♪" " I dig this act." " Well, they definitely have good chemistry. -♪ with me ♪" "Good chemistry?" "They got great chemistry." "♪ Super freaky ♪" "Please hand me the collectible." "You know, this really should have been in plastic." "Pages are all discolored, Anne Frank looks Pakistani." "I give you $1,100." "Excuse me?" "!" "Mr. Winkler, we know this same copy just sold on eBay for $4,000." "Well, that was a mint copy." "This one's had the Sea Monkeys ad on the back page cut out." "They make it seem like they're gonna be your friends." "Totally not true." "I think it's worth more." "Well, I think I should look good in bicycle shorts." "But I don't." "I'll go $2,000." "That's my final offer." "Do I still got a shot at this thing?" "Who are you?" "I'm the man about to buy the Anne Frank issue." "I specialize in mistaken print runs, recalls, and other "f"-ups." "Do you live in Pittsburgh?" "I don't know you." "Big deal." "I don't know you." "But maybe you've heard of my collection." "I have early sketches of Marmaduke licking himself." "Well, I own the storyboard where Porky Pig is a guest of honor at a Luau and the strip where Garfield gets put down." "That's nothing." "I got the only five animation cells where Elmer Fudd clearly penetrates Bugs Bunny." "Respect." "Nice to meet you." "Him " " I'll shake." "All right, now, where's the bidding?" "Stuck at $2,000." "All right, then." "$2,500 to you, sir." "Make it $3,000." "$4,000." "I'm out." "Wait, wait, wait." "It's the Anne Frank issue." "Too much." "You overpaid." "I expected more from the man who owns the famous Fudd." "Hank, what are you doing?" "!" "We needed that cash." "Relax!" "I know how this goes." "He's out there." "He's having second thoughts." "He realizes what a valuable find this is." "He's turning around, and he's going to re-enter this room right now." "And now!" "Now!" "Hank, I'm going to hit you..." "Now!" "♪ I feel like making love ♪" "♪ making love to yo-o-o-o-u ♪" "Yeah!" "Thank you so much." "You've been a great crowd." "We feel like making love you." "Don't forget, we'll be here tomorrow night and every night." "Oh, geez." "Steve, it's time." "I know." "I feel terrible." "I encouraged him." "I can't fire him." "Steve, this is a business." "People don't pay their tabs, you're out of business." "People do mother/son love act, you're out of business." "We're really crushing, aren't we, Steve?" "Yeah." "I've got to be honest with you." "Your act is a little..." "Creepy." "What do you mean?" "I mean it comes off like, uh -- like you love your mom." "Do love my mom." "I mean like you want to sleep with your mother." "I'm not getting this." "What is he talking about?" "Don't -- don't worry about it, Owen." "These people are taking a pure thing between a mother and a son and turning it into something dirty." "Steve, I know that people don't quite understand what Owen and I have, but we're performers, and if what we're doing is a little bit too edgy for this bar, then so be it." "Wait a minute." "You're firing me?" "You told me to follow my passion." "Yeah, with music, not your mother." "Yeah, okay." "We get it, Steve." "W-we will not leave our audience hanging." "We will finish the set." "Fine, but, please, no songs about sex." "It was never about sex, Steve." "It was always about love." "Can I have a beer?" "Sure." "You know that, uh -- that little crush you never had on me in middle school?" "Can we please move past this?" "Well, we certainly can, right after I, uh, finish showing you this." "What's that?" "A little note you sent in, uh, 1993." "Give it back!" "Whoa, whoa, whoa." ""Dear Steve, I like you." ""Do you like me?" ""Please check 'yes, ' 'no, ' or 'not sure.'"" "Busted!" "And you also drew this." "Ah." "You and me riding a unicorn..." "Over a rainbow." "Fine." "I had a crush on you in middle school." "Here's what I don't get." "There's two people in this bar who should get together, but haven't, and two people in this bar who should never have gotten together, but might already have." "Here's a clue -- two of them are about to sing again." "Friends, because of certain small-minded people, when they see something beautiful have to think the worst, this time, we're gonna do something a little tamer a little softer, a little more..." "Endless." "♪ My love ♪" "♪ there's only you in my life ♪" "♪ the only thing that's bright ♪" "♪ my first love ♪" "♪ you're every breath that I take ♪" "♪ you're every step I make ♪" "♪ and I ♪" "♪ I want to share all my love with you ♪" "This is better, right?" "Nah." "I liked it more when they just wanted to bone each other." "♪ My endless lo-o-o-ve ♪" "Steve, I only have a few minutes." "I believe this will cover my bar tab." "Wow." "Where'd this come from?" "For your information, mom and I are headlining a little place called the airport Hilton." "Apparently, some people in Pittsburgh appreciate our creepy act." "Really?" "Did you tell them you're mother and son?" "Not after airport Ramada." "They threw rocks at our car." "Hey, fellas, I feel terrible about what happened the other day with the magazine, and I want to make it right." "Don't worry about it, Hank." "No, no, no." "I butted in, and I screwed up your whole deal." "The least I can do is make good on my bid." "What was it?" "It was $3,000." "Ooh." "Um, will you guys take, uh, $1,000?" "Yeah, I guess." "All right, good." "Whoa." "Where'd you get all that cash?" "I'm stripping again." "That was a joke, fellas." "All right." "Here's your money." "Thanks, Hank." "All right, and I believe this is mine." "Here's your magazine." "And here is your $2,000." "Thank you!" "Wait a sec." "Did you just scam us?" "No, but capitalism does require a flexible morality." "That pisses me off." "Yeah, me too." "Hey, look, we made money, Hank made money." "It's a good deal all around." "Hey, uh, just to show there's no hard feelings," "I'll give you $1,000 for that Steelers mug over there." "You got it." "Just as I thought." "It's the original '72." "This thing's worth 20 grand." "Nice doing business with you, fellas." "I'm still up." "Congrats, boys." "You made some nice cash." "Yeah." "It's pretty sweet." "And you know what happens when you're flush." "You pay your bar tab." "Now, doesn't it feel good to wipe the slate clean?" "Now you can drink with a clear conscience." "I love it when you get badass with money."