"Good morning." "Good morning." "You know I was just dreaming I was asleep... and a beautiful woman was kissing my ear." "That was me." " No, it wasn't." "What's that?" " Happy birthday." "Open it." "Now?" " Sure." "Why not?" "Well, there were a couple of things I wanted to do first... but they can wait." "Hey, a watch..." "A Pierre Jordeaux." ""This is the finest, most accurate watch in the world."" "Is it really?" " That's what it says on the box." "Oh, I should've gotten you up earlier." "Uh, honey, read what it says on the back of the watch." ""To Bob, the most wonderful husband in the world." "I love you, love you, love you, love you, Switzerland."" "No." "It says "Emily" in there somewhere." "Oh, yeah." "It's right under "Switzerland."" "Well, I wanted to get that extra "love you" in there." "Well, I love you and I love my watch." "Oh, well, the woman in the store says it'll only lose or gain a couple of seconds a month." "Is that right?" " Mm-hmm." "It's wrong now." "It says 8:15." "No, that's right." "They set it in the store." "Well, then why does it say 8:15?" "And why does that clock say 8:15?" "Well, it's 8:15." "It's your birthday." "I wanted to let you sleep a little longer." "Oh, that's great." "My first day with a new watch, and I'm gonna be late." "Well, at least you know how late you're gonna be... 'cause you got the finest, most accurate watch in the whole world." "Morning, Carol." " Oh, hi, Bob." "Listen, I just want to tell you..." "Carol, save the happy birthdays." "I'm sort of funny about that." "I mean, everybody every year has a birthday, and it's no big deal." "I mean, I know it's my birthday." "You know it's my birthday." "Is it your birthday, Bob?" "Well, happy birthday." "Come on." "You knew it was my birthday." " Bob, how would I know?" "Do you know when my birthday is?" "It's in the middle of July." "You were close." "February." "Well, anyway, uh, thanks for the happy birthday... and that's all I want to hear about birthdays, okay?" "Oh, you didn't see what I got for my birthday." "Oh, Bob. just beautiful." "Great cufflinks." "No, the great watch." "Oh, that's nice too." "Yeah, it was a surprise." "I got it in bed this morning." "That sounds good... even without the watch." "Uh, anyway, Carol, I'd appreciate it... if you didn't tell Jerry or any of the other guys on the floor... that it's my birthday, okay?" "Bob, why are you so funny about your birthday?" "Well, it goes back a long way." "My mother always made me wear a funny hat... and you know, everybody make a big fuss over it." "It sort of embarrassed me, you know, the phony attention." "Oh, Bob, that's great you can figure that out." "That's really healthy." "Well, it's my business." "Hi, Bob." "Got a little something for you here." "Now, Jerry, I was hoping you'd forget about it and you wouldn't make a big deal out of it... 'cause I'm-well, I'm sort of embarrassed by it, you know?" "A reminder that your teeth need cleaning embarrasses you?" "I thought it was a birthday card." " Hey, Bob, is it your birthday?" "You knew it was my birthday." " No, I didn't... but that's some ego you've got there, imagining everybody knows when it's your birthday." "Have you ever considered seeing a shrink?" "Anyway, I hope you're not putting me on... and when we go to lunch there are gonna be a lot of guys with gag gifts... like we did for Tupperman last month." "But that was different." "Everybody knew it was Tupperman's birthday." "Remember, he sent around a memo with his sizes?" "He even sent around the size of his tires." "Yeah." "Bob, I'm gonna make you feel real good." "We'll go to the snack machines for lunch, so there'll be no surprises." "It'll just be another bad lunch." "That's the way I like it, Jerry." "But you do celebrate your birthday, don't you, Bob?" "I mean, Emily must know." "She's your own wife." "Somebody's coming." "You want me to go." "Jerry... that's my present from Emily." "Wow." "Hey, Bob, that's a Pierre Jordeaux." "Wow." "That's really an expensive watch." "Yeah, I-I know." "It must've cost... $100, $200?" "Are you kidding?" "It cost five times that, 10 times that." "No." "No." "Bob, that is a Pierre Jordeaux." "You just don't pick those up in a drugstore." "I mean, that's got to be worth at least a thousand bucks." "No." "No, Emily would never do a thing like that..." "A stupid thing like that." "Bob, somebody must have done it." "If you don't believe me, call the jewelry store." "They'll tell you how much it cost." " I don't care how much it cost." "I mean, it's a gift." "I'm-I'm not interested in how much it cost... even if it cost $200." "It cost a lot more than $200." "$300?" " It cost a lot more than $300." "Okay, Bob. if you won't do it, I'll do it." "Hello, uh, Carol?" "Will you get us Whitman's jewelers on Michigan Boulevard please?" "Thank you." "Okay, Bob." "I'll bet you five dollars it cost over a thousand dollars." "If it's over a thousand, I win five bucks." "If it's under a thousand, you win five bucks." "If it's a thousand even, we're even." "But, Jerry, I don't want to win." "I don't want to lose." "I don't want to get even." "I... jerry, it couldn't cost that much 'cause look at how thin it is." "Bob, that's the point." "The thinner it is, the better it is." "It's like, uh, pancakes." "Yeah." " Whitman's jewelers, line one." "Hello, Whitman's jewelers?" "To whom am I speaking please?" "Uh-huh." "Well, would you hold the line a moment please?" "Thank you." "Okay, Bob." "There you go." "You'll be speaking to Maurice." "Jerry, I don't want to talk to..." "Maurice?" "Yeah, this is Bob Hartley." "Uh, listen, I just got a Pierre Jordeaux watch... and I was wondering how much it cost." "Just curious." "It's a, uh, birthday present from my wife." "Thank you very much." "I'm 40." "Well, it's, uh..." "It's pretty thin." "No, thinner than that." "About two pancakes." "The good kind, right." "So, how much does it cost?" "You're kidding." "There must be some mistake." "I know my wife couldn't have paid more than... $200, $300 for it." "I know it's not hot." "I know it's the finest watch in the world." "Thank you very much." "What?" "It's, uh, 13 minutes after 9:00." "How much, Bob?" "I won, didn't I?" "Jerry, you know, Emily and I have given each other nice gifts before, but..." "I mean, this-this isn't a nice gift." "How much, Bob?" " $1,250." "They've gone up" "Jerry, why would she spend so much for a watch?" "She loves you, Bob." " She better have a better reason than that." "Yeah." " Mr. Carolla's here." "Thank you." "Uh, Jerry, I got a patient." "Okay, Bob." "I'll see ya." "Oh, uh, Bob..." "I know it's your birthday, and you're touchy about it, but you know that five dollars?" "You want me to keep it." " I'd kind of like it now." "I'm a little short today." "You told me to treat it just like any other day, Bob." "Thank you, Bob, and happy... day." "Oh, hi." "Hi, Dr. Hartley." "Hi, Mr. Carolla." "Good morning." "Good to see you." "Do you want to sit down?" "Well, how's, uh..." "How's everything going?" "Oh, not too good." "I, uh, still can't seem to get a job." "My, uh, wife is pressuring me for the alimony." "I don't know." "I, um, may have to sell my car." "Things are really rough, you know?" "But why am I telling you this?" "I mean, you got to work like everybody else." "You know how hard it is... to save a buck these days." "Yeah, it's rough." "Hi, Emily." "Hi, birthday boy." "How was your day?" "Well, just like all days, you know-some ups, some downs... some good, some bad." "Some bad." " Well, let me see the watch." "The watch." " Uh-huh." "Okay" "Bob, what's it doing in a handkerchief?" "I, uh..." "I didn't want to wear it on the subway." "Why not?" "Emily, I want to talk to you about the watch." "What's the matter, Bob?" "Doesn't it work?" "It works fine." " Oh, it's the gold." "You don't like the gold." "No, the gold is great." " You found out how much it cost." "You zeroed in on it." "Oh, you know, Bob, it's really incredible." "I mean, I had no intention of spending that much money." "I mean, I wanted to buy you a really nice watch." "Then I went into the store, and the lady showed me this watch." "Then she told me how much it cost, and I said, "That is way out of line."" "Yeah, well, so far I'm with you." "Well, see... then she showed me another watch for $150, and there was no comparison." "I wanted to get you the best watch I could... so even though this cost $1,300, I took it." "Emily, I could have gotten it for $1,250." "Well, Bob, I mean... it is my money, you know." "I earned it teaching." "I mean, I'm not counting." "I'm not saying what's yours is yours and what's mine is mine." "I mean, I know it's our money, yours and mine equally." "I mean, all I'm saying is..." "I bought that watch out of my half." "Emily, let me get a piece of paper, and we'll figure this out." "Now, um... you made $3,500 last year as a substitute teacher." "Yeah." "Oh, uh, and don't forget the money I made tutoring." "$300." " Mm-hmm." "And, oh, that macrame course I taught at Camp Hiataka." "Ten dollars." "Anything else?" "Oh, Yeah, I worked on the committee for better pay for teachers." "Nothing." "Bob, what are you getting at?" "What I'm getting at, Emily, is approximately $3,800." "Now, out of the $3,800... you already spent $4,200 for the car." "Well, Bob, I mean, I know the watch is extravagant." "I know it's luxurious, but..." "Well, I don't do this all the time, you know?" "It was very hard." "I mean, I tore up three checks before I got it right." "But I wanted you to have it, so enjoy it." "Emily, I..." "I wouldn't mind if you had spent $1,300 on a piano... you know, because I mean, a $20 piano is no good." "But a $20 watch will do the same thing that watch does... and with the money left over you could buy a..." "A piano." "Then you'd have a piano and a watch for the..." "For the price of that watch." "You know, Bob, I never realized it before." "You're cheap." "For somebody who's cheap, I'm wearing a pretty expensive watch." "Well, if you don't like it, you can just take it back." "No, I can't take it back, because there isn't too big a demand for watches that say..." ""To Bob, the most wonderful husband in the world."" "Well, I'd certainly like to rewrite that." "I'm going for a walk." " I'm going with you." "Emily, you missed the whole point of the walk." "The reason I am going with you is so we can go to a restaurant for dinner." "Well, I'm not hungry." " Well, that's no excuse." "We're going to the Cordon Bleu restaurant." "Oh, no." "Have you set something up?" "I mean, the thing I've been trying to avoid all day... is just about to happen, right?" "Don't be so sure, Bob." "But I better change my suit." "And you better wear the watch." "They're all gonna want to see it." "All right." "Now, they're all in there, Bob... and please, for my sake, try and act surprised." "Are they out in the open or under the tables or behind the drapes... just waiting to jump out at me?" "Come on now, Bob." "I mean, please don't let on that we've had a fight." "A lot of people have gone to a lot of trouble just for you." "Okay" "Well, would you smile?" "I am smiling." "Could you use the other lip?" "How's this?" " Oh, it's not important to smile." "Just act happy and relaxed." "Happy and relaxed." "You got it." "Surprise." " Happy birthday!" "What a surprise." "You really shouldn't have done it, really." "Fantastic, Bob." "Are you really surprised?" "I've known him since he was a small boy, and I've never seen him so surprised." "I really was surprised." "I thought Emily and I were gonna have dinner alone in this banquet room." "Oh." " I didn't say anything." "Bob, you were surprised, weren't you?" "I really was." " Really?" "Excuse me a minute." "Excuse me." "Bob, I'd like you to meet my date." "This is Wendy Rivers." "This is Bob Hartley." "How do you do, Bob?" " How do you do?" "I'm surprised to meet you." "You, uh, didn't notice my car out front, did you?" "No." " Well, that's because I parked seven blocks away." "I was so nervous I dented the little sports car right in back of me." "What kind of a sports car?" "Uh, it was Italian, I think." "Let me see." "Black with a red top." "That's my car." " Oh." "Well, I didn't know." "I was going to leave a note on the windshield... but I thought the wind might blow it away." "I tell you, this is perfect." "I can give it to you in person." "Do you have a pen?" "I'm really, uh..." "Really relaxed and happy, Emily." "Oh, Bob." "Emily and I have been planning this party for two weeks... and we were so afraid you'd find out." "It was all I could do to keep from breaking up every time I saw you at work." "The surprise is over." "You can break up now." "That must have felt real good." " Oh, it did." "Listen, why don't we sit down, everybody?" "There are place cards." "You're up there." "Aunt May, you're here." "Wendy and Howard..." "We're down here." "You're here, Carol, Jerry." "Uh, Bob..." "I, uh, don't have to wear a funny hat?" " No." "Say, what time is it?" "Uh, it's 8:35." " Oh, Howard." "Not you." "I was trying a clever way to get Bob to show us his new watch." "Oh, I'm sorry." "Bob, what time is it?" "Oh!" "Bob, you got the greatest wife in the world." " Oh, Thank you, Jerry." "Yeah, she's, uh..." "She's generous." "Generous to a fault, you might say." "Okay, time for the gifts." "Oh, okay." "TUPPM" "Things should start picking up now." "It's gonna be a great party." "I can feel it." "Oh, excuse me." " Oh, wow." "Well, Thank you very much." "That's very nice... and I really appreciate it." "And, uh, thanks again." "Bob" " Bob!" "Aren't you going to open the gifts?" "Here?" " Of course." "I don't want to bore everybody." "I thought I'd open them at home." "Oh, Bob!" "I mean, that is the point of the whole thing." "Everybody wants to see how happy you are when you open those gifts." "Open that brown one first." "That's from me." "He's gonna love that." "It's really funny." "Oh, what could it be?" "I have a feeling these are gag gifts, Jerry." "No, no, they're serious." "Pacifier." "I lied." " That's kind of funny, Jerry." "You see, a pacifier, that's funny." "You give a psychologist a pacifier, and that's a very funny joke." "Oh, yes." "Uh-huh." "This is from Edith and Al." ""This is for when you go out of town for your next psychology convention."" "Wonder what this could be." "A night light." "Psychologists are not supposed to be afraid of the dark, and a night light, that's funny." "Uh-huh." "I get it." "And this is from Dr. Tupperman." "This is the funniest one of the bunch." "Bath toys." "Bath toys!" "Now, that's really funny." "See, Bob doesn't take a bath." "He takes a shower." "And this one is from..." "Uncle Harry and Aunt May." ""Wishing you a happy birthday and many happy returns."" "What's the matter with Bob?" "I mean, he doesn't look like he's having a very good time." "Oh, nothing." "We just had a little disagreement about the cost of his watch." "That's all." "What's the matter with Bob?" "Did Emily say?" "Yeah." "They're having a fight about the price of the watch." "Pajamas." " Of course, if they're wrong, you can always return them." "What?" " No, he's still a size 3." "Do you get that joke?" " No." "Neither do I." "Maybe it's funny because Bob is a psychologist." "No, psychologists wear pajamas like anybody else." "Uh, Bob, this side of the table doesn't get that joke." "Well, who told you that?" " He did." "It came down the table." " Well, I don't believe it." "What's the matter, Howard?" " You and Emily are getting a divorce... because she spent $100,000 on a watch?" "Where do you want this, in the den, on the balcony, or in the lobby by the pond?" "Emily, I think you're silly for not talking to me." "After all, it is the day of my birth, you know." " What time is it?" " 12:30." "It's the day after your birth." "Emily, it's obvious that you're holding something in... and the only way to settle an argument is to let it all out." "Well, that's a start." "You want to expand on that?" "Emily, even though I hate birthday parties... and surprise birthday parties more than all..." "I think it was a lovely evening." "Bob, this night is in contention for possibly the worst night of my life." "Now that you mention it." "You didn't even try." "You did everything you could to make yourself have a bad time." "That is not true." "I really put out." "I mean, 40 candles in one puff is not dogging it." "You know what I mean." "Emily, I don't want to get back into that." "I'm exhausted from having such a good time." "I'm going to bed... unless you have another surprise for me." "I did have, but you're sure not gonna get it now." "I didn't expect it." "Bob... this hasn't been a very nice birthday for you, has it?" "No." "I wanted it all to be so good." "I mean, I really tried." "And look where..." "We started with the watch... and now look where we wound up." "You're going to bed alone, and I'm standing here like an idiot... watering plastic flowers." "Emily, it isn't your fault." "It's my fault." "I wish I could love my watch." " Oh, Bob." "Love it!" "Love it." "It cost enough." "Emily, sit down." "When I was a kid..." "I used to think of everything in terms of ice cream cones." "I loved ice cream cones." "Like, something that cost 20 cents was two ice cream cones." "A dollar was 10 ice cream cones." "And when I found out how much this watch cost..." "I felt likel had been run over by a Good Humor truck." "Oh, Bob." "Emily, I wish I could get over it, because I..." "Well, I really need a new watch." "Look, Bob." "I'll tell you what I'll do." "Tomorrow at lunchtime, I'll come down to your office and take you to the jewelry store... and you can exchange this watch for one you want." "Really?" " Yeah." "I mean, you can get a watch that'll make you happy." "That's wonderful." "And then afterwards... if you're a good boy, I'll buy you an ice cream cone." "Emily, I love you." "Oh, I love you too, Bob." "Careful of the watch." "What are we gonna do now?" "Well, I got some new bath toys." "Why don't we just go to bed?" "That's better." "I'll get it." " Okay." "Hi, Bob." "Hi, Howard." " Great party." "Thank you, Howard, and I really appreciate your coming over and telling me that." "Oh, I'm sorry I can't come in... but Wendy and I are still celebrating your birthday in my apartment." "Listen, you left your pajamas at the party." "I thought you might need them tonight." "I don't think I will, Howard." "Uh, you better take 'em." "There might be a fire."