"It took me a couple of weeks but I finally found my favorite thing to do in the suburbs:" "Sleep." "Tessa, what are you doing?" "Let's go, before she gets here." " She still watering?" " Still watering." " Why didn't you set an alarm?" " Kept hitting snooze." "I was having the most amazing dream about Manhattan." "Yeah?" "What was so amazing?" " We were still living there." "Ha, ha." "I can't take it any more." "Sheila's constant invitations to dinner every single morning." "I'm running out of creative ways to say no." "Have you tried running her over with your car?" "That's creative." "And the hose is off." "She's coming." "She's coming." " My backpack." "It's upstairs." " No time." "Go, go!" "Go, go, go." "Dad." " Ugh." "I'm stuck." "Save yourself." " Go." " No, Dad." "I won't leave you." "Tessa, go." "Just go." "Well, hi, neighbor." "Dinner tonight?" "Now, bio scientists have determined that when you remove an animal from its indigenous environment..." "For example, the Gentoo penguin." "...And deposit said animal into a region that it's not accustomed to it is far more susceptible to infectious disease." "Any questions?" "Yes, Dalia?" "I hate birds." "Thank you, Dalia." "I had to remind myself that as bad as I had it the Gentoo penguin had it worse." "Oh!" "Hey, Lisa." "Heard your family was coming over tonight." "And I just wanted to apologize in advance for my family." "Don't worry about it." "Your family is never as bad as you think they are." "Hey, Lisa." "This is how Dad does it to Mom." "Unless they are." "Are you ready to do this?" "Wait." "Before we go over there, we should really figure out an exit strategy." "Ah, that's smart." "How about this?" "After dessert, I'll say we better go because you gotta study for a test." "Come on, Dad." "I don't have to study." "I know everything already." "You said that last time, young lady, and you ended up with a D." "Tsk." "Good." "That felt good." "But what if it's before dessert and one of us can't take it?" "I think we need a code word." "Uh, "pickles."" " "Pickles"?" " What, you got something better?" "Fine, "pickles."" "One of us cites pickles, the other cites irritable bowel, and we're gone." " Got it?" " Got it." "Let's do this." "What is keeping you two?" " Do you want your bones?" " Yes." "So, George, you never did say what happened to your wife." " Fred." " It's an honest question." "If George wants, he can say, "No comment."" "No comment." "Seriously, what happened?" "Uh, we separated 15 years ago." "I saw this show where twins attached at the face were separated." "It was awesome." "I think one of them died." "I saw that too." "I think one of them did die." " Oh." "Ha, ha." " Oh." "Are you all done, honey?" "So back to George's failed marriage." "You cheat?" " Dad?" " I would never cheat on Sheila." "Couldn't." "She watches me like a hawk." "And I love it." "Ha, ha." "Whoa!" "Ha, ha." "May I be excused?" "I'm having a terrible time." " What about dessert?" " Lisa can't have dessert." " Oh, why not?" "The sugar?" " No." "Oh, I got it." "It's for me." "Lisa has no friends." "Don't listen to him, honey." "You have lots of friends." "No friends." "We'll be downstairs." "Hey, uh, careful not to set off the smoke detector with a gun show." "Ah, ooh." "Ha, ha." "You girls wanna join?" "Oh, no, thank you." "I don't wanna see the gun show." " I've already seen it." " Come, now." "Head on down to the rumpus room." "Fred and I have some questions for George." "Oh, uh, can I go down to the rumpus room too?" "No, you may not." "Joey, truth or dare?" "Maybe I did something wrong in a previous life." "Maybe I was Eva Braun." " Ryan, truth or dare?" " Wait." "Okay, dare." "I have some chocolate in my room." "I'll be right back." "I dare you to kiss a lesbian." "I'm not kissing my sister." "Not your sister, you idiot." "Her." "Tessa." "Um, thanks, uh, but I'm, ahem..." "I'm not really a part of this game." "You are now, beyotch." "What do you mean, I have to have a barbecue?" "Not "a" barbecue, George, "the" barbecue." "George, if you move into this neighborhood and don't have the barbecue, you'll be shunned." " Ostracized." " Excommunicated." "And Why?" "Because you didn't have the barbecue." "When a new family doesn't have the barbecue, it looks like they don't..." " ...wanna be part of the neighborhood." " And we don't want them." " That's human nature." " Have the barbecue." " And eat your cake." " It's good." "Look, I really appreciate you including me in your reindeer games, sincerely but, um, in this case, I'm just gonna have to politely decline." "Once someone dares you to do something, you kind of have to do it." "Or else you're a wuss." "Yeah, I'm familiar with the rules of wussiosity." "But there are loopholes." "You know what a loophole is, don't you?" "Sure." "It's a hole with a loop in it." "Pickles, pickles, pickles." "Pickles give her irritable bowel." "It's a brine thing." "Anyway, thank you for dinner." "I didn't serve pickles." "Ryan Shay is a Neanderthal." "How could I kiss a person who is, by all accounts, a knuckle-dragger and actually like it?" "But it's a new day." "I was determined to press on and act as though last night never happened." "Why am I waving?" "Stop waving." "What the hell was wrong with me?" "I wasn't myself." "Maybe I was low blood sugar." " You okay, Tess?" " What?" " Why?" " You're pouring milk that isn't there." "So, what happened last night?" " Last night?" " The pickles." "Oh, the pickles." "Oh, yeah." "That was nothing." "The, um, rumpus room just had a lot of wood paneling." "It felt like an asylum." " A wood-paneled asylum?" " Yeah." "A rustic, high-end, wood-paneled asylum." "Look it up." "Lisa." " Hey." " I know what's going on..." " ...between you and my brother." " Nothing is going on." "Why were you looking at him like that this morning?" "This is pathetic." "I thought you were different." "You should have seen your face." "It was sickening." "Lisa was right." "It was sickening." "I was sick." "I was terminal." "And I had to find a cure." "Intellectual, neurotic, self-loathing Jew?" "Much more my type." "Could he be the Ryan Shay antidote?" " Hi." "I'm Tessa." " I'm Evan." " Wanna make out?" " What?" "I mean, what?" "Damn it, Evan." "I feel nothing." " Nothing." " Sorry?" "Not as sorry as I am." "As you were, Evan." "What?" "You haven't had the barbecue yet?" " Seriously?" "That's for real?" " Yeah, that's for real." "I'm surprised people are still talking to you." "I'm surprised I'm still talking to you." "Ow." "Javier, you just nicked my ear." "That's strike two." " Send out an e-vite." " I don't know how I'm gonna do this." " All I've got is this old hibachi." " An old hi-what-chi?" "Are you kidding me?" "All right, I'm gonna do something for you." "Javier, cover your ears." "I'm gonna let you borrow my grill." "Oh, okay." "Cool." "Thanks." ""Oh, okay." "Cool." "Thanks." Are you kidding me?" "You should be kissing the ground I walk on." " Think it's big enough?" " Ls the Statue of Liberty big enough?" " Is J. Lo's ass big enough?" " For me it is." " Ha, ha." " Yeah, I think it's big enough." "Well, look who's here." "You're just the gentleman I wanted to talk to." " Is this about the barbecue?" " No, it's not." "But you really should have it before things get unpleasant." "George, take a walk with me." "Okay." "Ahem." "All right, Javier." "Let's try the hot shave one more time." " What's going on?" " I just thought you should know considering the whole condom situation that brought you here according to Dalia, who was there Tessa went to first base with Ryan Shay last night." " And apparently it was hot." " Heh." "What's first base again?" "Well, it's regional, but here, open mouth, some tongue." "Well, that doesn't sound right." "Tessa can't stand Ryan Shay." "Well, of course Tessa can't stand Ryan Shay." "But have you seen his rock-hard abs?" "Ha, ha." "I mean, if you..." "You know what?" "If neighbors don't look out for neighbors we could end up having little baby neighbors." "Oh, I just got an e-vite to your barbecue on Sunday." " OMG, I am there, thank you." " What?" "How is that possible?" "All good for Sunday, buddy." ""Meatball sub, " two of the least sexy words in the English language." "Unless Ryan Shay was on the other end of it." "I was better than this." "I was turkey and wheat, and I had to remember that." "Tessa." "Meet me behind the bleachers, 2:00." "Okay." "I needed guidance." "So I went to the only place I could think of." "So, Tessa, what guidance can I give you today?" "I am being consumed by my desire for something." "Something that is not good for me." " You're addicted to drugs." " No." "Absolutely not." "Are you sure?" "Because I've been told a lot of people from the inner city are." "And I've seen Rent." "I'm from Manhattan." "And it's not drugs." "Tsk." "It's a guy that I'm incredibly attracted to but don't like." "Intellectually, I know he's not good for me but I can't stay away from him." "Sounds like the kind of relationship people have with their drug dealers." "He's not a drug dealer." "He's just stupid." "Which means I must be stupid for liking him." "Maybe there's something more to him than meets the eye." "After all, when people look at me all they see is someone who's North Korean." "But when they dig a little deeper they're also surprised to learn that I'm partially South Korean." "Ryan wasn't South Korean." "But he certainly was a good kisser." "I can't believe we are making out behind the bleachers." "It is so cliché." "Who's Cliché?" "Ls she, like, a singer?" "Don't speak." "But we had to speak." "It was the only way I was going to find out if there was more to Ryan than met my lips." "Have you ever seen a foreign film?" "Avatar?" " That's not a foreign film." " Takes place on a foreign planet." "And James Cameron is Canadian." "Partial credit." "If you could have dinner with a famous person, living or dead, who would it be?" "Scarlett Johansson." "Dead." "I had never been so disgusted with someone in my entire life." "And that someone was me." "Oh, so that kid from across the street..." "What's his name?" "Brian?" " Ryan." " Ryan." "That's it." "Yeah." "Nice kid?" "I wouldn't know." "Do you want my carrots?" "I'm good." "He seems like a nice kid." "So, what's the deal?" "Have you guys ever talked..." " ...or anything?" " This is your fault." "Not mine." "Yours." " What's my fault?" " You pulled me out of my indigenous region and, pfft, just dropped me into a different habitat." " Okay, I'll take your carrots." " It's not about the carrots." "It's me." "I am a Gentoo penguin." "I am a sick, diseased Gentoo penguin and I am dying here." "Ha-ha-ha." " Whoa." "What do you think?" "I love her." " I call her Sally." " Sally just burned a hole in my retina." " She's a powerful lady, George." "Uh-huh." "If she wasn't made of steel, I'd take her as a lover." " Great turnout, George." " Yeah." "I am sorry my husband couldn't be here, but he travels." "A lot." "On business." "Okay." "How's the guacamole?" " It's killer." "Smush it yourself?" " I did, actually." "Yes." " You did?" " Yes." "Speaking of smushing, any intel on what happened between Tessa and Ryan in the rumpus room?" "Or as I like to call it, the humpus in the rumpus." "Uh, yeah, well, not really." "I tried to broach the subject with her but she just got upset and said something about penguins." "Ooh, that might be Internet talk for "penis." I'll Yahoo!" "It and get back to you." "I gotta be honest, I'm not concerned." "That kid's a total bonehead." "Well, so is Ryan." " I was talking about Ryan." " Okay." " Yay." " Oh, good one." "Hey." " Hey." " Still mad at me?" " Mad?" "No." "I mean, you can't help the way you feel." "I guess." "Yeah." "Exactly." "I mean, it's like chips." "Chips are my favorite thing." "I could eat two or three bags at once." " I know, right?" " But I don't." "You know why?" "Because they're bad for me." "As much as I wanna put that entire bag inside my mouth, I'll get dehydrated I'll break out, and I might get diarrhea." "Diarrhea?" "From chips?" " So I don't." "Because I've got willpower." "And I can't be mad at you for not having willpower." "All I can do is pity you." "Which I do." "Okay, well, thanks." "So wonderful to be here, George." "Such a beautiful place." "The hydrangeas are just, wow." "Oh, thank you." "Thank you." "I gotta tell you, it's so nice to see a gay couple in the neighborhood." "Makes me feel like I'm back in the city, heh." " There's a gay couple?" "Where?" " Gossip." "I love hearing it before my wife." " Dish." "Dish." " Dish." "George." "Hi." "We got an emergency." "She's dead." "Sally's dead." " What do you mean, dead?" " She's out of propane." " Okay, so I'll go pick up some more." " More?" "No." "She takes the big tanks." "The only place that sells big tanks is Artie's." "Artie's is closed on Sundays." "Okay, keep your voice down." "Give me a second to think." "George." "What's the ETA on the burgers?" "The natives are getting restless." "Man cannot live by chips and guac alone." " Fred, let me walk this dog." " Five, 10 minutes, tops." "If you ask me, calling a barbecue a barbecue without having a barbecue would be worse than not having a barbecue." "Didn't ask you." "Boy, someone had a big scoop of crab salad." "Yeah." "A big scoop." "Oh, damn it, Fred." "If you can't plus it, you just leave it alone." "Ryan, I can't do this any more." "Is it my breath?" "Because I skipped the guacamole." " No, your breath is fine." "It's me." " You had the guacamole." " No." "I mean, a little, yeah..." " I could taste it." " But I wasn't gonna say anything." " Look, Ryan, I like you." "I do." "I mean, you're good-looking, and you're really good-looking." " Then what's the problem?" " Nothing." "It's just you're a bag of chips." "A bag of chips?" "You know, they taste good, but they're void of nutrition and in the end, you kind of regret eating them?" "No." "Oh." " Well, you do." " Oh, yeah?" "Well, you know what you are?" " You're peanut brittle." " Excuse me?" "That's right." "Chunks of stuff that doesn't know whether it's sweet or salty and you gotta break it up into little pieces." "Well, that's what I'm doing to you." "I'm breaking up." "Into little pieces." "As Ryan and his six-pack walked out of the laundry room, it hit me." "I would never see the gun show again." " What the hell is that?" " His name is Joe." "He's from New York." "And he runs on old-fashioned charcoal briquettes." "Let's light his face on fire and serve these people some New York-style dogs." "The only thing more voracious than my appetite for Ryan was Chatswin's appetite for barbecue." "So I don't know what Gentoo penguins eat in the wild but since you're in captivity, you want a hot dog?" " Thanks." " There he is." "Love your New York wieners, George." "I could have eaten a dozen of them." "Utterly delicious." "We'll have to sneak into your metropolis sometime when our wives aren't looking for a sausage fix." " Oh, toodles, George." " Toodles." "Mwah." "Toodles." " Ha, ha." " Wow." "So I guess our barbecue was a success." "High-five." "A year ago, if you'd told me I'd be high-fiving over a barbecue I would've called you a liar." "Yeah, well, if you told me I'd be first in line to see the gun show I'd have slapped myself." "Don't slap yourself." "It was a pretty impressive gun show." "I feel like an idiot." "Hey, I've been there." "I once dated this incredibly beautiful woman who I could hardly stand being in the same room with." "I love when you tell stories about Mom." "Eat your hot dog."