"[ARTHUR LAUGHING]" "Why aren't you laughing, Bitterman?" "You haven't said anything, sir." "I see, fine, so you're waiting till the last minute." "Hello." "Hello, hello, hello." "Hi." "How rich are you?" "I beg your pardon?" "Isn't having money the most fabulous thing ever?" "Every day is like Christmas morning, am I right?" "Well, I don't think of personal wealth in those terms exactly." "Oh, yeah, you're right, of course." "Yeah, it doesn't matter whether you're rich or poor as long as you can buy anything on the planet you ever wanted." "Am I right?" "Answer me!" "Well, I'm not quite sure." "Hey, those your initials?" "Mm-hm." "I'll bet you had to try a thousand dealers before you found a car with your initials." "This is probably nowhere near the color you wanted either." "Funereal black." "[ARTHUR LAUGHING]" "Hi, it's me again." "Did you miss me?" "I'll bet you did." "Please remove yourself from my car." "I wish I could, but I have to ride like this." "I'm over 17 feet tall." "[ARTHUR LAUGHING]" "This is funny stuff." "Is there someone else in there I could talk to?" "You're Arthur, aren't you?" "Stanford Bach's boy." "That's right." "The shame of the family the wastrel, the public drunk." "Ooh." "You say that as if it's a bad thing." "Your window's going up." "Something's gone wrong with it." "Goodness gracious me." "Here." "Here." "Hi." "Hello." "Hello in there." "Hi, it's me." "You have to be the most annoying man I have ever met." "Do I have to?" "Okay, no, no, no." "Don't, you. it's all right." "I was just having some fun." "Fun is a luxury I don't have." "I work for a living, Bach." "Oh." "The word is "work."" "Work, work." "Look it up." "And my sympathy to your father." "Yeah, certainly." "Oh, my congratulations to your mother." "ARTHUR:" "Ah." "Home at last." "Hey." "How are you?" "Nice to see you." "Merry Christmas, yes." "Good evening, Mr. Bach." "How are you, Philip?" "Lovely." "Lovely stuff." "Thank you." "Put it on his tab." "Your regular, sir?" "Yes, I am, thank you for asking." "Very kind of you, very considerate." "Good evening, yes." "Hi." "Good evening, Mr. Bach." "Andre, my man, put it there." "ANDRE:" "Your wife's been waiting for you, sir." "Oh." "Yeah, I know, I'm late." "You'd better go on ahead and remove all the knives from our table." "I don't think that will be necessary, sir." "ARTHUR:" "I wouldn't be so sure." "Darling, I'm sorry I'm late." "It was Bitterman's fault." "He insisted we stop off at this tawdry boutique and buy" "Prince Charming?" "Over here." "I think I have more chance of being forgiven at this table." "Maybe not." "Excuse me." "I'm sorry." "Merry Christmas." "[ARTHUR SIGHS]" "Hello." "Thank you, Andre." "Yes, thank you, Andre." "Would you like to have an ambulance standing by?" "Arthur, I said 7:00." "Seven o'clock!" "Oh, I'm sorry." "I thought you said, "Have a few drinks hit a toy store, and wander in whenever you feel like it."" "You think you're hysterical, don't you?" "Yeah." "Yeah, I do." "It cuts down on entertainment expenses." "Kissy kissy." "No." "Kissy." "Kissy." "All right." "Why can't I stay mad at you?" "I mean, you know something, we'd have terrific fights." "You know something?" "I should have married you for your money." "Yeah, I love myself primarily for my money." "It's pathetic, really, but I do." "And I'm probably wasting my time." "I'm probably not even mentioned in my will." "[BOTH LAUGHING]" "How are you?" "I'm fine." "Yeah?" "Yeah." "Listen, I saw Dr. Holbrook today." "It was today?" "I could have gone with you." "No, honey, it didn't matter." "I mean, he just had the results of the tests back." "What did he say?" "He said, "Have a seat."" "He said he was putting new carpeting in his office." "And then what?" "And he said I couldn't have children." "[ARTHUR SIGHS]" "God, that sucks, Linda." "I mean, you would have made a great mother." "Yeah, I know." "I've had so much practice with you." "At least we don't have to have sex anymore." "[BOTH LAUGHING]" "Ugh." "Are you cute?" "Well ...." "Hey." "You wanna dance?" "As long as it's not too arousing." "[BOTH GIGGLE]" "We'll be right back." "Easy, Romeo." "Happy person, let's hang her on the tree." "[BOTH LAUGHING]" "A one, a two a gootchi, gootchi, goo." "A one, oh, a two." "Arthur." "Linda, where have you gone?" "Honey?" "How do you feel about adoption?" "Adoption?" "Yeah." "Yeah, adoption." "Uh ...." "Look, all you need are two mature people who love each other very much." "And we could hire them." "[ARTHUR HUMMING]" "Arthur, wait a minute." "Wait a minute." "I need you serious for a minute, hon." "Look, I know having a kid doesn't mean much to you right now but it's all I've ever thought about for the last three years." "Oh, Arthur, every time I pass a playground, I just die." "Then we adopt." "What?" "Yeah." "Just like that?" "Yeah." "Don't you want to think about it a little bit?" "No, set up the appointment." "I mean, any kid would be lucky to have you as a mother." "Arthur, oh, thank you." "Oh, honey." "There we are." "Oh, Arthur." "Blimey, you can stop it." "LINDA:" "Thank you." "Oh, I love you." "Oh, I am so excited and I love you so much." "Oh, I love you so much, it hurts." "That's because you're leaning on my fork." "I know, take it away immediately." "Arthur, you know what I'm gonna do tomorrow morning?" "Here, look what I found at this new novelty store I found in Times Square." "What?" "These I don't need." "I could always see right through you." "I'm gonna" " What is that?" "Phony throw-up." "We'll get a free meal here if it's the last thing we do." "Oh, Arthur." "Look." "Now, wait a minute, I have plans for that." "What?" "Trick soap?" "Oh, no." "Fairchild?" "Arthur, haven't you tortured that poor man enough?" "No." "No, definitely not." "[LINDA LAUGHS]" "[COUGHS]" "Andre!" "Andre." "This your idea of a joke?" "Don't touch the Barfellini Bolognese." "it's ...." "[BIRDS CHIRPING]" "Good morning, sir." "Good morning, Fairchild." "Good morning, Mr. Bach." "Good morning, Ted." "Here is your tea, sir your fresh orange juice, your dish of aspirin and, of course, your newspaper." "Fairchild, what happened to your hands?" "The soap in my bathroom, sir." "The soap in your bathroom, Fairchild?" "Yes, it seems to be malfunctioning." "Fairchild, it's a joke." "Soap doesn't malfunction." "It's trick soap." "I see." "Thank you, sir." "You're welcome, Fairchild." "[ARTHUR CHUCKLES]" "Shall I throw the soap out or will you be tricking me again with it later?" "Blimey!" "Questions this early in the morning." "Trick soap out or in?" "Uh, l" " Forget it, Fairchild." "Yes, sir." "Where's Mrs. Bach?" "Is she...?" "Madam awoke early." "She had some phone calls to make." "Ah." "In that case, put on one of her nightgowns and come in here, would you?" "Sir?" "Come on, Fairchild." "I know you want it." "I've seen the way you look at me." "Hey!" "Fairchild!" "I'm kidding, I'm kidding." "God, it's the truth." "Don't they ever kid each other on your planet?" "On my planet, sir?" "Yeah." "I mean, don't I drive you nuts?" "Don't you wanna pick up one of these chairs and whack me over the head with it?" "Whack you, sir?" "I could never." "I give you permission." "Listen, I used to have a butler who would take my hat off all the time and hit me over the head with it and call me a little shit!" "We must have gone to different butlering schools, sir." "Yeah, well, maybe." "He was more than a butler, actually." "He was my friend, you know?" "He was more than that, really." "Yes, Hobson." "I've heard you two were very close." "Yeah." "Yeah, we were." "Yeah." "And you know what, Fairchild?" "You remind me of him in absolutely no way whatsoever." "Loosen up, Fairchild, I give you permission to enjoy your life." "Thank you, sir." "I shall try." "You're very welcome." "Well, now it's time for my bath." "[DINOSAUR ROARS]" "Yeah, take that, Godzilla." "[SINGING] I guess you'd say" "What can make me feel this way?" "Myself myself myself" "Talkin' about myself myself" "Yeah, go on, get him, sub!" "Get him!" "Get that wreck!" "Ah." "Okay, basketball time." "Here we go." "Hip hooray, sir." "Oh, gosh." "Aren't baths the best thing ever, Fairchild?" "Eh?" "Imagine a world without bathtubs." "I mean, for one thing, this floor would be soaking wet." "Why do they call you Mr. Charisma?" "LINDA:" "Hello?" "Are you alone?" "Alone?" "I am as alone as a person can be without actually technically being alone." "LINDA:" "Ah." "Hi, Fairchild." "Madam." "Why don't you come on in?" "I'm naked, I'm horizontal, I am covered with bubbles." "So most of your work is already done." "Sorry, stud, no time." "I'm making a list of adoption agencies." "How you doing?" "So far, not so good." "Everyone I've talked to insists on meeting you." "I love you, Mrs. Bach." "You must not ever die." "Where's your snake?" "My snake?" "He's very well this morning, but he was very naughty." "I had to put him underwater for an hour and a half." "Oh, Arthur, have you been thinking about names?" "Names?" "Mm-hm." "Names." "He wants a name too?" "The spoiled little brat." "Um, hey, what about Senator?" "Senator Bach?" "Sort of give the kid a head start." "Hey, Fairchild, Senator Bach." "You hear that one?" "Yes, sir, a head start." "Ah, right." "Get the snake out." "I forgot." "Your father called, he wants to see you this morning." "My father?" "Must have been a wrong number." "Said it was important." "Fairchild." "Madam." "I'm leaving it in your hands." "You make sure that he gets there, huh?" "Nice gloves." "Fairchild, what are you waiting for?" "I don't know, sir." "I'm gonna see my father." "What does that mean?" "A drink, sir." "Please!" "Please!" "[TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWING]" "Yeah, hello, my beauty." "Ha!" "Hi, Dad." "May I help you?" "Yeah, I've come to see my father but if he's too busy, I'll be glad to leave and never come back." "before I leave for Madrid on Tuesday." "Yeah, Wednesday would be too late." "Arthur, you're here." "Yeah, I'm here." "Craig Powell, this is my ...." ""My son." I'm his son." "Yes." "I've heard a lot about you." "I'm afraid most of it is true." "Have a good trip." "Bye-bye." "Come on in, Arthur, this won't take a minute." "Right in here." "ARTHUR:" "God, blimey." "That Craig Powell bloke's got the smallest toupee I've ever seen in my life." "You're drunk." "On the contrary." "I've never been more intoxicated in my life." "How does he keep his head on the pillow at night, I ask you?" "You'll never change, will you?" "No." "I heard you accosted Kendall Winchester in the park yesterday." "Oh, yeah." "Yeah, good old K.W.W." "W." "You think the whole world is here for your amusement." "Oh, yes, I do." "Yes, I do, and you're doing a splendid job." "Thank you very much indeed." "STANFORD:" "There's some papers here you need to sign." "My God, you've been busy." "We're merging, Arthur." "it's a very big move." "This time next week, we'll be one half of the third largest conglomerate in the world." "It's about time." "I've been saying this for years, you know." "Sign here, there are four copies." "Okay." "It's all very involved." "You wouldn't understand." "I'm not 8 years old, Father." "[ARTHUR CLEARS THROAT]" "How do you make an "A"?" "it's all right, I remember." "Who are we merging with?" "Burt Johnson." "Burt Johnson?" "But he's a maniac!" "He's not a maniac, Arthur." "He's maniacish." "He tried to kill me." "Not without reason." "You left his daughter standing at the altar." "You humiliated him, Arthur." "I didn't love Susan." "When I told him, he came at me with a knife." "Ooh." "Oh." "ARTHUR:" "Oh." "Oh, uh ...." "They don't make pens like they used to, do they, Dad?" "Do be careful with this one." "Yeah, right." "It was Mother's, wasn't it?" "Yeah." "Bless her cotton socks." "Tristan, remember to put stickers on all the paintings that have been sold and buy two more cases of champagne." "But make sure it's domestic." "A lot of freeloaders come to these openings." "Ask Miriam to get enough hangers for the front entrance." "And whatever you do don't turn away members of the press like last time." "Marcia!" "Hi, Susan." "I'm so glad you could come." "Me too." "This Elizabeth Murray is fantastic." "The colors are brilliant, aren't they?" "Oh!" "I've gotta show you the Hans Hofman we just got, it's divine." "Painted in 1942, Provincetown series." "Look at that movement." "Very interesting." "Should I put a little reserve on that for you?" "Take a look around there's so much to see, and let me know if I can help you." "Thank you." "Okay." "Daddy!" "Oh, my sunshine girl." "Oh, what a surprise." "You never come down here." "You know what this place could use?" "What?" "Some John Audubon paintings." "Ever heard of him?" "He's a naturalist, he paints birds." "Tut-tut-tut." "Don't laugh." "Don't laugh." "People love birds." "People love to look at birds." "People don't want to look at this." "This is not right." "We don't want that kind of stuff..." "...in our gallery." "Right." "In our gallery." "Is that why you dropped by, to critique the collection?" "No." "Actually, I have some news for you about Arthur." "Divorce?" "No." "They're separated?" "No." "Did he kill her?" "That's my girl." "Come on." "Susan, you remember that day four years ago at the church?" "Yes." "And you remember I said somehow, some way, I'd make things right?" "What have you done, Daddy?" "I've gone into business with Stanford Bach only Bach made a big mistake." "He used my lawyer." "That's like inviting me into a high-stakes poker game and letting me deal." "By this time next week Arthur will be seriously reappraising his situation." "Oh, I thought after a few months with her that he'd get her out of his system." "I didn't want to get him back like this." "But you'll take him." "Of course I'll take him." "Thank you, Daddy." "That's my girl." "Thank you very much for coming in, Mrs. Todd." "I'll call you as soon as I hear anything." "Thanks." "Bye, Dr. Todd." "Mr. and Mrs. Bach?" "Yes." "Hi." "Cynthia Canby." "How do you do?" "It's nice to meet you after talking to you on the phone." "Please call me Linda." "This is Arthur." "Hi, how are you?" "And Fairchild, our butler." "Oh." "Well, how do you do?" "Very well, thank you." "Come on in." "All right." "Shall I wait here, sir?" "No, there." "[ARTHUR CHUCKLES]" "This is nice." "I've never met a real live butler before." "Yeah, he shakes hands great." "I taught him that." "Actually, I do most of the housework myself." "I just use him to reach the higher shelves." "[ARTHUR SIGHS]" "Who do you like better so far, me or Linda?" "Honey!" "Why don't you sit down?" "Okay, just a minute, darling." "Let me just test these out." "Ooh." "You'd better sit here, darling." "This looks a tad more comfortable." "I'll take this less comfortable chair." "That's the kind of guy I am." "I'll make a note." "Passes chair test." "Mrs. Canby, did you help all of these people?" "I've got the best job in the whole world." "I make families." "They're all smiling." "ARTHUR:" "Yeah." "I guess babies do that to people." "What I'd like to do is put a picture of you and Arthur on that wall." "Mrs. Canby, if you could do that you would make me-- You would make us the happiest people in the whole world." "Now, I've been going through your file." "We've collected some information about you." "But I just wanted to ask you a couple of things." "Is it true that you own five houses?" "No." "No way." "No." "No, six, actually." "What do you mean, six?" "What about the one in Saint-Tropez?" "LINDA:" "What?" "That's a shack, Arthur." "That's not a house." "Well, forget the baby, adopt me." "Raising a happy child has nothing to do with money." "Yeah." "ARTHUR:" "You can say that again." "Now, there's been quite a bit about you in the press." "There's mention here of a drinking problem." "Now, wait a minute." "Linda might enjoy an occasional glass of wine but to suggest there's a drinking problem ...." "Arthur, I was talking about you." "Mrs. Canby, he never drives." "I make sure he doesn't ever drive." "And last year, he joined Alcoholics Anonymous." "I see." "How many meetings did you attend?" "Meetings?" "Ah." "I guess I didn't read the entire pamphlet." "I've never done that in my entire life." "I swear I'm not a kicker." "It's all right." "If you hadn't kicked him, I would have." "We take drinking problems very seriously around here." "Look, Mrs. Canby, I know we're not perfect." "No, we're not." "For example, I've only got one good leg." "But Arthur and I, we're the happiest couple I know." "And it's not the money." "I just know it's not." "It's us." "I mean, we laugh all the time and I hardly ever kick him, and he hardly ever kicks me." "It just seems like without a baby something really wonderful is being wasted." "Well, I'll see what I can do." "That's it?" "That's it." "I'm gonna be visiting your home sometime." "What about tomorrow?" "I can't tell you when." "The idea is to catch you by surprise, to see how you really live." "Any day's good except Tuesdays because that's when we're out robbing gas stations." "Don't worry about a thing, it'll be fine." "Nice meeting you, Mrs. Canby." "Yes, you too." "I'll be in touch." "ARTHUR:" "Okay." "Bye." "I thought it went very well." "Yeah?" "Yeah." "Yeah." "She's nice." "Um, I'll meet you in the car, okay?" "I just want to ask her something." "You moved." "Look, Mrs. Canby, you've heard the expression, "He's just a kidder."" "Well, he is, he's just a Kidder." "He'd do anything to make you laugh and make you comfortable." "He'd do anything to make you happy." "Do you think we have a chance?" "I think you have an excellent chance." "You know, he'll make a wonderful father." "I'm sure he will, but you've gotta be realistic." "Adopting a baby can take months, even years." "I wouldn't go shopping for highchairs just yet." "I don't know, I like them all." "They're ...." "Look how cute this is." "You must have a great time working here." "I do." "I'm gonna take this one, definitely." "I still like this one the best." "ARTHUR:" "It's great up here." "Kid will love this, right, Fairchild?" "I suppose he must, sir." "Yeah." "How you do this with such dignity baffles me." "Thank you, sir." "Here." "It's all right, sir." "Now don't fool around, Fairchild." "We haven't got all day." "Yes, sir." "Look at how delicate this is." "Oh, this is great." "Look at that workmanship." "I'm gonna take this one." "Yes, Mrs. Bach." "May I ask, when is the baby due?" "What baby?" "This is for me." "I'm having trouble sleeping." "Oh, this is great!" "Oh, Fairchild." "Madam?" "Did you show that to Arthur?" "Does he like it?" "Oh, yes, he wants it." "Good." "ARTHUR:" "Fairchild!" "Hey, look, Fairchild!" "I'm finally on the wagon!" "I'll take these to the car." "No, that's okay." "I'll take it." "I'll take it." "Do they make these with a wet bar?" "No, sir." "We'll take it anyway." "The kid will just have to rough it." "Ah, well." "Ahem." "I know this is hard to believe, but he's never once been mistaken for a Supreme Court justice." "There was one occasion when I" "Are we taking this?" "Wanna hold this?" "Thank you." "Hold on." "Red light!" "Green light!" "Arthur." "So how did you two meet?" "At Bergdorf Goodman." "I was shoplifting." "Oh, no, I'm ...." "Sir, there's a call for you on the car phone." "Burt Johnson." "Burt Johnson?" "Burt Johnson?" "Burt Johnson." "Burt Johnson?" "Burt Johnson?" "Pull!" "Pull!" "Pull!" "[GUNSHOT]" "Pull!" "[GUNSHOT]" "Pull!" "[GUNSHOT]" "ARTHUR:" "Hello, Mr. Johnson." "Arthur." "Welcome aboard." "Thank you." "Well ...." "You're looking fine." "And by fine, of course, I mean big and frightening." "I see you're still drinking, Arthur." "ARTHUR:" "Oh." "Well, sir, I'd stop drinking in a minute if I could find a faster, more efficient way of getting all this Scotch into my body." "How's Susan?" "Married, I hope." "Twenty-eight children." "Susan's not married." "Susan never got married." "Really?" "Pull!" "You must hate those things." "Would you like to try it?" "Me?" "I don't think I'm ...." "Yes, there's nothing like the feel of a fine handcrafted shotgun." "Oh, well ...." "Go ahead, try it." "Okay." "Would you mind?" "There's nothing like the feel of a huge glass of Scotch in the left hand." "[GUNSHOT]" "Pull!" "Hit the bullet!" "Hit the bullet!" "Oh, he missed." "No, your way's better." "I can see that now, thank you." "I'm better at this." "You hurt me, Arthur." "I did?" "You embarrassed me in front of the entire community." "Oh, I" "Worst of all, you broke my little girl's heart." "Oh, I" "I'm not a vindictive man." "I'm a very vindictive man." "I see." "I think I better take ...." "No, no, no!" "[ARTHUR MUMBLING]" "Pull!" "That one was self-defense, right?" "It was gonna circle back and kill us both." "I'm gonna get another drink now." "What time is it, Arthur?" "What time is it?" "JOHNSON:" "Feel any different?" "Different?" "You should, you know." "You're broke, Arthur." "As of 12 noon today, you're busted." "You're shit." "Wait a minute, I'm shit?" "Remember the big merger?" "Yeah." "Your family and I formed this big corporation each of us owning 40 percent of the stock." "And the remaining 20 percent was supposed to be owned by a group of foreign investors." "Foreign" "Well, I bought out those investors earlier this morning." "You bought them out?" "It's called controlling interest, Arthur." "I already talked to your family and they can run the company live exactly as they have been on one condition." "That you are cut off." "What?" "You don't get a penny." "Pull!" "Can I borrow that gun a moment?" "I want to ...." "Nope, it's all over." "No more cars, no more yachts." "No more houses." "The party is over!" "Why are you doing this?" "Because you didn't marry Susan!" "But lots of people didn't marry Susan." "I mean, that guy over there, he didn't even take her out to dinner." "Let's get him and beat the shit out of him." "Now you can get your money back." "Just get a divorce and marry my little girl." "She still loves you, although I can't imagine why." "But eventually, you'll come around." "You're soft, you're pathetic." "Oh, yeah." "You wouldn't last 24 hours without money." "Seriously, why did you want to see me?" "No, no, no." "We're all finished talking." "I'm going back to the yacht club." "You know, I'd ask you to join me but there's a $15 cover charge, and you can't afford it." "[JOHNSON CHUCKLES]" "ARTHUR:" "Hello!" "Hi, honey!" "We're poor!" "We're white trash, Linda!" "Linda, we're bankrupt!" "Linda, there's a bleak fiscal outlook." "Linda?" "Linda?" "Oh, Greta, have you seen my wife?" "Destitute woman about this tall." "Oh, Mr. Bach." "I think she's in where they're redecorating." "Hello, darling" " Oh, sorry, you're too tall." "Hi, darling." "I'm so glad you're home." "This will be so wonderful." "Look, I wanted to wait before I made a final decision." "But I'm really leaning towards the peach." "I'm leaning towards the peach." "If it's a girl." "Now, if it's a boy, look at this." "They're all pretty, but the robin's egg is the best, don't you think?" "I'm gonna put a neutral carpet and a big picture of Hobson on that wall." "That'll be lovely." "Arthur, you know something?" "You can teach a baby to read at 8 months old." "Listen to this." "All right." ""The period from 1 to 5."" "Hold it." "How much will all this cost?" "How much?" "Arthur, I've never heard you say that." "You all right?" "No, I'm great." "I've just heard some wonderful news." "We're going to inherit the earth." "[PHONE RINGING]" "Good, dear." "I'll get that." "Hello?" "Yes." "Oh, yeah." "Ricky, it's for you." "RICKY:" "Thank you." "Now, what are you talking about?" "Speak English." "We're in America." "Okay, but I must insist you hold your applause till the end." "All right." "Burt Johnson" "Burt Johnson?" "Shh." "Burt Johnson has seized control of my family's company." "He's forcing them to cut me off until I divorce you and marry Susan." "What's for dinner?" "Lasagna." "What do you mean?" "Can he do that?" "Apparently he has." "Excuse me, Mrs. Bach." "I'm sorry, that was the office." "It seems as though there's a problem with your credit." "I guess he can do that." "I'm sure it's a mistake." "Victor, Vincent, let's ...." "I'll call you tomorrow, okay?" "Great." "Thanks a lot." "Thank you." "Bye." "Nice boys, I think." "This is crazy." "What are we gonna do?" "We?" "No." "No, no." "Thank you so much." "Goodbye." "Do have a nice life." "Susan and I would love to have you over sometime." "Honey, come here." "Tell me exactly what happened." "I mean, slowly and calmly exactly what we're talking about." "I mean, we're talking about our home?" "Our cars?" "Not your trust fund?" "Everything." "Everything was in the company's name." "Phew, boy." "But you know what the worst thing is?" "What?" "I hate lasagna." "Excuse me, I have to lay down." "[SIGHS]" "It's nice down here." "I can understand why all the little worms come down here." "Bloody hell." "Honey?" "Think we'll ever look back on this and laugh?" "No." "No." "Oh, Arthur, what about the baby?" "Hey." "Hey." "Mrs. Canby said that the money doesn't matter." "Yeah." "She did, didn't she?" "Yeah." "I guess that's true." "Yeah, it is." "I just hope the security guard at the 7-Eleven feels the same way." "Listen." "Deep down inside, don't you feel just a little bit relieved?" "Yeah." "Oh, yeah." "I do, actually." "I feel relieved of $750 million." "[BOTH LAUGHING]" "Yes, I still got it, haven't I?" "I'll say." "Yeah." "The hell with them." "We're gonna be fine, Arthur." "Yeah." "We are, honestly." "Look, you taught me how to be rich, right?" "I'll teach you how to be poor." "It's really easy." "It's exactly the same thing." "You just do it in fewer rooms." "Look, lesson number one." "Hold on, now." "Yeah." "This is how poor people comfort each other." "And now this is how poor people say I love you." "I love you." "See, they can't give each other yachts or condominiums." "Blimey." "No wonder there's so many of them." "I never liked yachts anyway." "What?" "Here?" "Now?" "Uh-huh." "For $750 million lady, this better be good." "Arthur, you've always been my favorite grandchild." "Martha, I am your only grandchild." "I can't help you this time, Arthur." "Burt Johnson has got our family by the nuts." "He's forced your father and I to cut you off." "As of noon today, you couldn't even sign a personal check." "Martha, I've never seen you give up like this before." "You've never seen me this old before." "I'm not 75 anymore." "Those were the days." "Oh." "Oh, you." "Arthur, even if I could do something..." "..." "I don't know that I would." "Ah." "Johnson is right." "You belong with Susan." "Martha"" "I've always felt that." "Linda and I have been married" "Martha, you ready for your workout?" "Martha, there's a nearly naked man in your living room." "My doctor suggested that I try a little exercise." "Ah." "Troy, this is my grandson Arthur." "Hey." "Ow." "Arthur's just lost $750 million." "Seven fifty?" "Damn!" "Sorry to hear that." "It's a long story" "Yeah, so anyway, Martha, you ready to rock and roll?" "[KYLIE MINOGUE'S "THE LOCO-MOTION" PLAYING ON STEREO]" "Breathe." "Let it out." "Here we go, jumping jacks." "Come on, kick it up." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Yeah, that's it." "You with me, Martha?" "Let's go." "Martha, you just sit here and watch?" "Yes." "All right, Martha, pushups." "I started out 20 minutes a day." "Now I can do nearly a whole hour." "Oh, it's done wonders for me, Arthur." "I've never felt this well in my entire life." "Yeah, I can" "Okay, let's work those hips, Martha." "Come on." "In and out." "Come on, Martha." "Arthur, I think this is my favorite one." "TROY:" "Yeah." "Here we go." "All the way around, Martha." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Well, no pain, no gain." "Arthur, marry Susan." "You've had your fling." "Now it's time to face facts." "Martha." "Arthur, are you saying that your marriage to Linda Marolla that nobody, a waitress from Queens is worth more than $750 million?" "I love her, Martha." "That's not what I asked you, is it?" "Oh, now this is my real favorite." "I can see why." "TROY:" "We'll take a little break." "Yeah." "Keep the buttocks tight." "ARTHUR:" "Yeah." "What do you think, should I take this?" "Oh, yes." "You'll need warm things." "Yeah." "That's right." "Well, that looks about right." "Greta you better take these." "They were on the jewelry inventory." "All right. I guess that's it." "MARY [WHISPERS]:" "You talk to her." "The wife and I feel just awful about this, Mrs. Bach." "If there's anything that we could do to help, please let us know." "Oh, Mary, thank you." "There's really nothing." "Unless, of course, you'd like to loan us $10 million to tide us over." "I love you guys." "Thank you." "Please take care of yourself." "Okay." "You mind if I just have a minute alone in here?" "Of course." "Of course." "Ahem." "Sir." "I've packed your bag." "Oh." "Thanks, Fairchild." "I've never been in here." "Well this was Hobson's room." "FAIRCHILD:" "it's ...." "It's much larger than my room." "ARTHUR:" "Well, I've kept it locked up." "He's someone I didn't want to forget." "Yes, I think I understand, sir." "My father died when I was 10." "Oh, I'm sorry." "The big "C."" "Yeah, well, cancer?" "Oh, no, sir, he drowned in the big sea." "Oh." "Oh, by the by, sir I've been thinking it over, and that business with the soap?" "Yes." "I think I get it." "Oh, good." "It was ...." "It was very funny, sir." "Yes, it was." "Thank you, Fairchild." "Thank you." "I want to thank you both for everything." "Will the two of you be all right?" "I mean, do you have a place to go?" "Yeah." "Sure." "No problem." "Yeah." "No problem." "RALPH:" "Oh, no." "No, it can't be." "Hi, Dad." "Oh, no." "LINDA:" "Dad, wait a minute." "Dad." "Open the door, Dad." "It's only temporary." "Dad." "This isn't happening." "I don't believe it." "This can't be happening." "What about my new house in Fort Lauderdale?" "Dad, there is no more house." "The house is history." "Haven't you been listening?" "I've been trying not to, actually." "This must be awfully difficult for both of you, being sober." "We'll stay in the guestroom, and it's only temporary." "I promise." "Right." "I mean, we'll both be dead in 40 years." "Fifty, tops." "Right, darling?" "What are you doing?" "I'm clipping coupons in case we want to eat next week." "Make yourself useful, honey." "Cut along the dotted line." "Dotted line?" "About that house in Fort Lauderdale ...." "Arthur, I don't want you to get the wrong idea." "I mean, I just didn't love you for your money." "No, I appreciate that, Ralph." "I loved you for your father's money!" "Oh, God!" "I'm sorry." "I'll be all right." "Excuse me." "I apologize." "Excuse me." "[RALPH SOBBING]" "God, no." "Oh, God!" "Why me?" "Dad." "Dad." "[ARTHUR CLEARS THROAT]" "[ARTHUR SIGHS]" "WAITER:" "Behind you." "Oops. what'll it be?" "Give me two poached eggs on rye, and make that toast well-done." "Yeah, you got it." "Two Adam and Eve on rye." "Sink them and then burn them." "An right!" "You must have waitressed before." "Yeah." "About five years ago." "Speaking of five years, where's my English muffin?" "Coming." "It's just an English muffin." "What did I do, stump the chef?" "Stump the chef." "That's very funny." "You're a very funny little customer." "it's coming." "Hi." "What'll it be?" "I've only got $4." "What do you recommend?" "I recommend a cup of coffee and a $3 tip." "I'm only kidding." "I'll get you the meat loaf." "You'll love it." "One Alpo special. it's coming." "You married?" "Yeah." "Oh, God." "I wish I were." "What does your husband do?" "Actually, today he's out looking for a job." "What did he used to do?" "Everything." "Except look for a job." "Where's that English?" "CHEF:" "You got it." "LINDA:" "Thanks." "What, no butter?" "No jelly?" "You should have ordered the meat loaf." "There you go." "As they say in the West, don't let your meat loaf." "[LINDA CHUCKLES]" "Hi." "Hi." "Oh, Susan, hi." "Goodness, you're looking tall." "Quite tall." "Taller than I remember." "Statuesque." "Amazonian, really." "I've been expecting you." "No." "Don't say that." "Susan, we have to talk." "I want you to know that I don't hate you for what you did to me, Arthur." "I could never hate you." "No." "Thanks to Dr. Lyman, I've worked through all those emotions." "You're seeing a psychiatrist?" "I'm down to three times a week." "Ah." "Arthur, there's a big Christmas party on my father's yacht next week." "It would be the perfect time to announce our re-engagement." "I still have the ring." "No, no, no!" "No." "Put that away, Linda, sit" "Linda?" "Susan." "You're Susan." "Listen." "Linda thinks I'm out looking for a job." "But I'm not." "I'm here asking you to call your father off." "Call him off?" "But why?" "Arthur, we were happy, weren't we?" "Oh, sure we were." "Then we met." "[ARTHUR SNICKERS]" "That was a joke." "But, of course, there's no way for you to have known that." "Susan ...." "I married Linda because I wanted to spend my life with her." "I love her." "She's not right for you, Arthur." "She's not one of us." "And if it takes what Daddy's doing to make you see that well, then, so be it." "Susan you're such an asshole." "[CLICKS TONGUE]" "Aww." "I'm a woman who knows what she wants." "I always get what I want, Arthur." "Oh, why not?" "And what I want is you." "Yeah." "ARTHUR:" "Okay, you scrape with a penny." "RALPH:" "You could win $1 million with this." "Win a million dollars?" "A million dollars." "So that means if I won 750 of those, I'll be back where I started, right?" "Let's just take them one at a time, all right?" "Okay." "All right." "Here we go." "RALPH:" "Nothing matches." "You lose." "ARTHUR:" "Wait a minute." "You scratching the right side?" "Doesn't matter." "Six or nine" "You have three on both sides." "If they match, don't you get something?" "LINDA:" "Hold it!" "Hold it!" "Hold it!" "Hold it!" "Hold it!" "All right, here we go." "What is it?" "It's free." "Look, it's nutritious." "it's delicious." "I brought it home from the diner." "It's meat loaf, Dad." "I'm only asking in case I have to describe it later to a doctor." "[BOTH LAUGHING]" "Until either one of you brings home a paycheck I don't want to hear any complaints." "How's the job hunting going?" "Good." "I've seen about five people" "I need a resume first of all, and" "Hold it!" "God, this is some family." "Every year, the two of you get more and more alike." "All right, we ready?" "Arthur, you need some mashed potatoes." "Here." "I do?" "Yes." "They're very good for you." "We're set." "You say the blessing, Arthur." "Blessing?" "Yeah." "Just tell us something you're thankful for, huh?" "Oh." "I'm thankful I got the smallest piece of meat loaf." "[BOTH LAUGHING]" "It's a magical night." "[KNOCKING ON DOOR]" "Who could that be?" "It's probably somebody standing in the hall knocking on the door." "Maybe it's the mother of this meat loaf coming to kill you." "It's all right." "I got it, Dad." "Sit down, sweetheart. it's all right." "Don't pay any attention." "RALPH:" "Yeah, Nick?" "What is it?" "I understand there are two individuals living here who are not on the lease." "They're family." "They're staying until they get back on their feet." "I'm sorry, Ralph, but this building's just been sold." "And the new owner is insisting that all the regulations be enforced." "What are you trying to say?" "In fact, he mentioned you specifically." "Wait a minute." "A new owner, did you say?" "Let me guess." "Burt Johnson Enterprises." "Yeah." "That's right." "You folks have enemies in high places." "You must have screwed up really bad." "LINDA:" "142." "This has got to be it here." "ARTHUR:" "Is that it?" "LINDA: 140." "Yeah." "Okay, Arthur, look at me." "Now remember, let me do the talking, okay?" "Here we go." "ARTHUR: "Eat-in kitchen with IOL in every room." What does that mean?" "LINDA:" "Who knows?" "Who cares?" "It's the cheapest apartment in the city." "If it has a floor, we're taking it." "Ugh." "It has a floor." "We're doomed." "Honey, what is the super's name?" "Butterworth." "Okay." "IOL." "What does that mean?" "IOL." "Hello." "Hi." "I spoke to you earlier on the phone about the apartment." "What?" "I spoke to you earlier today on the telephone about the apartment for rent." "Oh, yes, about the apartment." "Yes, I'm Linda Bach, and this is my husband, Arthur." "Yeah, but she'll be doing" "Speak up, honey." "She'll do all the talking." "I can't be trusted." "Don't yell!" "ARTHUR:" "Right, right." "I suppose you want to see the apartment." "LINDA:" "Yes, please." "It's upstairs." "Apartment 5." "LINDA:" "Great." "Gee, this is a beautiful place you got here." "What are you, blind?" "Here's something you've never seen." "Come here." "I had them put this electric chair in." "It's a brilliant idea." "Yes, very nice." "Thank you." "ARTHUR:" "Uh-huh." "Bet you could." "Is it working?" "Of course it's working." "We're on our way." "Look, maybe if you just gave us the key." "Sorry." "Not allowed." "Another step." "All right." "That felt great." "Mm-hm." "[ARTHUR  LINDA GIGGLING]" "It'll be a co-op by the time we get there." "Hold on." "I've gotta tie my shoelace." "You go on ahead." "I'll catch up." "BUTTERWORTH:" "You folks have any children?" "Not yet." "Not yet." "But we might have" "By the time we see this apartment." "I think you'll like it." "It's got IOL in every room." "ARTHUR:" "IOL." "LINDA:" "Island of Love." "No." "Interoffice Lubrication." "That must be it." "You know, Ferrari makes this." "There's just a few bugs to work out." "What is IOL?" "You'll find out soon enough." "Well, here we are." "[ARTHUR YAWNING]" "Can I help you?" "No." "Don't do it." "Thank God." "The artist who lives here couldn't pay his rent." "Bum." "This is the living room." "Come." "I'll show you the kitchen." "Let's get out of here." "Wait." "Let's give it a chance." "Your stove, refrigerator, sink, cabinets everything handy." "Don't get too attached to any of this stuff." "The guy who lives here is taking everything with him." "What is that smell?" "Bug bomb." "They work much better than the Roach Motel." "The roach motel wouldn't look that bad to me right now." "BUTTERWORTH:" "The bedroom." "Beautiful view." "Oh, I almost forgot." "Here, come here." "I want to show you something." "Watch this." "See?" "Instant On Lighting." "IOL in every room." "Instant on lighting?" "Honey, look." "It's true." "There's virtually no delay." "I thought it was some sort of come-on." "Come here and try this." "You're asking $800" "Arthur!" "I'm hooked." "You're asking $850 for this place with a straight face?" "In advance." "IOL." "Come on." "Look, I've only been working two weeks." "I've got $350." "You take it or you leave it." "I'll take it." "Here's the key." "I'll send the lease up to you in the morning." "You'd better get started." "That's 12 hours away." "He'll never make it." "Thanks a lot." "That's it." "He won't make that." "God, IOL." "IOL." "I've always dreamt of IOL." "Hey." "Listen." "We clean this place up, we paint the walls this place would be a shit hole." "You know?" "We're not staying here one moment longer than we have to, all right?" "But right now, this is it." "This is what we got." "I'm gonna make this work." "We can make this work." "I can clean this place up just fine." "I mean, lots of families live in much worse than this." "But, Arthur honey, we're gonna have to become a two-income family." "You're gonna get a second job?" "Sorry, sorry." "Listen, I'm gonna apply for unemployment." "You cannot collect unemployment until you've worked some" "Oh, Arthur!" "What do you expect me to do?" "I mean, what am I trained to do?" "For chrissake, you went to Harvard." "I did?" "Arthur, what did you major in?" "Ballet." "Fine." "Fine." "You're not even gonna try?" "That's fine." "You're not even gonna try to help." "Hey, try what?" "I mean, tell me." "What do you want me to do?" "I want you to grow up." "Grow up?" "I want you to get a job." "Fine." "This is real life, Arthur." "I mean, this is it." "This is it?" "[CHUCKLES]" "Fine." "Fine." "There's the door." "That's the door." "I wondered what it was with the brass knob and the chain and the little hole you peep through and the "gents" restroom-- I know where the door is." "Do you know where a job is?" "Fine." "Fine." "And maybe you shouldn't wait up because I might not be back." "Oh, fine." "Yeah, I am off." "Fine." "Fine, I am really off." "Fine." "Fine." "Arthur, don't procrastinate." "If you say you're gonna do something, do it." "You go to the door, take the knob, and move your ass." "Mrs. Canby." "Mrs. Canby?" "What--?" "Uh, Mr. Marolla said I could find you here." "Is this a bad time?" "No." "No." "No." "No." "Why don't you come in?" "Come in." "Yeah, come on in." "Yeah." "Suffered a minor setback since we last saw you." "Yes, I know." "Linda filled me in a little." "Change of address." "Heart attack." "I called her, Arthur." "I had to." "I wanted to ...." "Park Avenue gets on your nerves after a while." "Look, we just got here ourselves, Mrs. Canby, so ...." "But it's...." "It's fine." "I mean, look, there's the fireplace, and it evidently works." "I'll give you a tour." "Here's the kitchen, which is really convenient, you know." "That's a bug bomb." "Yeah, it's better than Roach Motel." "Yeah." "Safer too." "ARTHUR:" "Yeah." "And this is the bedroom." "See, Mrs. Canby, what I thought we could do is move the bed over to there even if it blocks the bathroom a bit, because this gives a bigger area for the nursery, you know." "It's light and sunny" "We're gonna let the kid keep all the mice he catches." "We've blown it, haven't we, Mrs. Canby?" "No, you haven't." "Oh, come on, this will be fine." "Why don't we all go in the living room and sit down and talk?" "Come on." "LINDA:" "We had such a nice house." "Some of my favorite people were raised in worse places than this." "ARTHUR:" "This used to be an artist's place, as you can tell." "Yeah, he's gonna come pick this stuff up soon, I hope." "I'll sit on this." "Get the pecking order right." "So, Linda, you told me you're working at a diner." "Yes." "You can drop by any time you want." "All the free food you can eat." "Yeah." "I recommend the meat loaf." "it's great." "It was great." "I enjoyed it." "Well, thank you." "How about you, Arthur?" "How are you doing with your drinking?" "Great." "Great." "Have you been looking for a job?" "We were just discussing that before you" "You know something?" "He was on his way out when you came in." "Oh, that's terrific, because I've got some news." "What news?" "There's a baby." "There's a baby?" "What?" "Did you hear that, Arthur?" "Of course I did." "I'm sitting closer to her." "I heard it before you." "Wait." "There's a baby?" "There's an unwed mother and her due date is less than two weeks away." "And she wants to give up her baby for adoption?" "Oh, my God, I gotta get busy." "Oh, that's great." "This is very, very unofficial, but I would like to see it happen." "Oh, Mrs. Canby." "Us too, us too." "I wasn't here today." "Okay." "Okay." "I'll be back next week." "Can you have these walls painted by then?" "What's your favorite color?" "Absolutely." "And can you have some furniture in this room?" "Absolutely." "And, Arthur, can you stay off the drinking and get a job?" "Abso" "Absolutely." "Absolutely." "LINDA:" "Look, just think of it as a big toy store for grown-ups." "Oh, okay." "Yeah, that's a real help." "It's gonna be fine." "ARTHUR:" "Yeah, I know." "What are you writing, honey?" "Well" "Never mind." "Doesn't matter." "He won't read that." "It's what you do in person." "it's how you talk to him." "If you're not nervous." "You'll get the job." "Don't be nervous." "Sit over there." "Okay." "Next." "Come on in." "Good luck, darling." "Sit down." "Last job held millionaire playboy?" "Right." "Exactly what did that entail?" "Well, I raced cars." "I bred horses." "I yachted." "The usual." "Mr. Bach, this is a hardware store." "Have you ever been inside a hardware store?" "Well, no, not actually inside, I must confess." "Once I overheard the servants talk about how they had to go to one." "You deal in tools, right?" "Servants?" "That's one for the books." "Hey, you're laughing." "That means you like me." "It's going great." "He's laughing and everything." "I'll keep you informed." "We're getting on fine, aren't we?" "Arthur, we're looking for somebody who's honest not afraid to learn, and not afraid to do a little hard work." "Well, Hank, if you hire me, I'll help you look." "How do I think of these things?" "Wait a minute." "I just got off a great zinger about helping him look." "It's in the bag." "This is sort of new to you." "How about a drink?" "Oh, no, no. it's not time." "Now it's time." "Arthur, what are you doing here?" "I'm having a drink with you." "Come on, Arthur, really." "What are you doing here?" "Well, my wife is trying to adopt a baby and the agency said I have to have a job." "You know, she's really depending on me." "Nobody's ever depended on me ever for anything." "I'm scared to death, but here I am." "Everybody says we're supposed to give kids without any experience a break." "I don't see why I can't give somebody my own age a break, also." "That's good, right?" "Yeah." "What you said about a break." "Sure." "We had a sentimental moment." "He said something about giving a break." "I'm drinking the man's gin, so I think the rest of you can call it a day." "You got the job!" "I may be jumping the" "Hello." "How do you do?" "Hank, this is my wife." "Oh, how do you do?" "Yeah, I think" "I think it's okay." "How do you do?" "Here we go." "Here's a blank embryo key." "You see, we put the original in here." "Lock the little key in there, and then we put the one that you're gonna have done right in there." "Then we do that, and then we press that and we just let it go on its own." "[MACHINE WHIRRING]" "[ARTHUR HUMMING]" "I can almost sing what it says now." "Believe it or not, that is done." "That's quick too, isn't it?" "Yeah. it's quick." "Quick as a flash." "Oh, God." "Here we are." "There's the original." "Now, it's got a few bits and pieces on here." "And I'll just take this off and make sure you can get in the door." "Otherwise, you wouldn't be able to move it in there." "You see?" "Here we are." "You might have to jiggle it a bit, but ...." "Be sure to save your receipt." "Excuse me." "Would this work on fabricated half-inch pipe?" "Are you kidding?" "This thing was made for fabricated half-inch pipe." "This thing's middle name is fabricated half-inch pipe." "Fabricated half-inch pipe!" "Watch out!" "Here comes its thing!" "What's wrong with you?" "Nothing." "I've just gone all day without a nap." "It's $8.99 plus tax." "Eight ninety-nine plus tax." "Total ...." "[CASH REGISTER BEEPING]" "Open up." "Open up!" "Open up!" "Amityville cash register." "Forget it." "Life's too short." "Hi." "Can I help you?" "What is fabricated half-inch pipe, anyway?" "Hey." "Hank." "Arthur, do you have a minute?" "Yeah, sure." "Yeah." "Everything's going great." "No problems at all." "There is one thing." "Hardly worth mentioning." "I can't get these stupid machines to work." "Arthur, I'm sorry." "I've got some bad news." "I have to let you go." "But wait a minute, I just got here, Hank." "You said you'd give me a chance." "No, no, no, it's not me." "The store's just been sold, and the new owner wants you out." "He mentioned you by name." "I'll probably be next." "I don't understand it myself." "Here, maybe this will help." "No." "I've just been here half a day." "I think I broke your cash register." "Go on." "Take it." "Boy, I feel awful." "Thanks, Hank." "I'll pay you back." "[KNOCKING ON DOOR]" "Come in, Mr. Butterworth." "The door is open." "Hello, Linda." "Oh, you're not Mr. Butterworth." "I can tell by the coat." "What do you want?" "I think we should talk." "Oh, really?" "I tell you, I'm really busy." "I'm redecorating, as you can tell and House Beautiful is coming at any minute." "I see." "It's so you." "Look, if you just dropped by to see if Arthur and I are falling apart you're gonna be disappointed." "We're doing fine." "We're together." "We're happy." "And Arthur got a job." "By the way, Arthur's been fired." "My father bought that store." "It's going to be very difficult for Arthur to find employment anywhere with my father around." "You see, Daddy just doesn't know the meaning of the word "surrender."" "Yeah." "I'm sure the word "decency" would stump him too." "Linda, let's get to the bottom line." "Arthur can't survive without the money." "Money is like air to him." "He needs it to breathe." "He's dying, Linda." "Just a minute." "What makes you think you can walk in here and talk about my family like that?" "You have no idea what Arthur needs..." "...what'll make him happy." "Mm-hm." "You just care about what you want." "What's good for you." "You people think you can buy everything." "Well, you can't buy me, and my husband's not for sale." "Now, this conversation is over." "There's the door, or I can throw you out the window. it's up to you." "And another thing." "We both know that being a father would be wonderful for Arthur." "It would give him the kind of stability he so desperately needs and it would give him an heir." "I've heard about your problem." "What problem?" "I can have children." "I'm as fertile as the Napa Valley." "If you love Arthur, and I believe you do then I know you'll do what's best for him." "I've got to run." "Let's have lunch sometime." "Uptown." "[SIGHS]" "Oh, Arthur." "ARTHUR:" "Who needed that job anyway?" "I can't believe that man complained about that lovely new key." "Hi, Mr. Butterworth." "How are you?" "Very fine, thank you." "I'll have a drink, thank you." "Oh, hello, Mr. Butterworth." "How are you?" "What are you doing?" "Changing the lock." "Why?" "Where's Linda?" "She's gone." "What do you mean she's gone?" "Canceled the lease." "Canceled the lease?" "Here." "She left you this." "Read it out loud." "The radio's broken." "[STATIC CRACKLING]" "Bloody ...." ""Dearest Arthur."" "That's a good start." ""l can't stay anymore." "I realize now that Johnson will never give up." "I can't bear to see you suffer like this." "I know it's because of me."" "It's not because ...." "" I've ...." "I've never been very good at goodbyes Arthur so I'll just say that I love you and adore you and I always will." "Linda."" "Sort of goes downhill, doesn't it?" "Come on, Ralph." "I know she's in there." "Just let me talk to her." "[WHISPERING] I'm not here." "She's not here." "Just tell him to go away." "Tell him to go away." "She says go away." "How can she say go away if she's not there?" "I'd ask her, but she's not here." "Oh, God." "RALPH [OVER INTERCOM]:" "Arthur; take care of yourself" "[SIREN WAILING]" "Beautiful." "Beautiful." "Yeah, good." "The brother-in-law's over with the dog." "[PEOPLE CHATTERING]" "She sends my own kid over to me to ask me for money for them." "So I said, "Give me a break." "I'm out of work."" "Hey." "You in the coat." "Yeah, you." "You." "Hey!" "What?" "DRUNK 1:" "Don't I know you?" "No." "No." "No, huh?" "Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know you." "Yeah." "Hi, how are you?" "I know this guy." "We go back a long time." "I know this guy." "I know you." "Oh." "I delivered some stuff to your house." "I hope I tipped you." "Yeah, sure, sure, sure." "Oh, he's funny." "You used to have a butler." "Oh, yeah." "Fairchild." "He used to come in, and he would take his pulse and put mirrors under his nose and shit to see if he was still breathing." "You were terrific." "You were funny." "Nice guy, Fairchild." "BARTENDER:" "This is nice." "You had money or something?" "You were rich?" "Yeah." "Very rich, yeah. $750 million." "Woof, woof, woof." "Yeah, and this was back when $750 million was considered a lot of money." "Oh, yeah, well ...." "I got that, I got that." "Yeah, yeah." "I used to buy a new couch every week to match the TV Guide." "TV Guide." "I'm dying here." "No, I was rolling in it." "I used to buy a new couch every week to match the TV Guide." "You heard that one before?" "What happened?" "I don't understand." "Oh, I lost it." "I lost it all." "Aw, gee." "Aw, gee." "750 million smackers." "BARTENDER:" "Jeez." "I just don't know where it is." "I've looked everywhere." "Under the couch, behind the refrigerator." "Didn't I tell you?" "The guy is funny." "Tell them what you told me about the half-inch pipe." "Yeah." "Fabricated half-inch pipe." "What was the tool that you used with that?" "Fabricated half-inch-- BARTENDER:" "The kind of tool?" "Yeah, what kind of tool?" "You need a ratchet." "What do you know about pipes?" "DRUNK 2:" "I used to do toilets." "What kind of tool was it?" "You take both hands and grab it." "It's time for me to shout "Europe" at the sink." "Shout what?" "Shout "Europe" at the sink." ""Europe" who?" "You're up." "I'm dying." "Doesn't he kill you?" "Where did you find this guy?" "[PLAYS "MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB"]" "Play something." "Play something." "Play something." "DRUNK 2:" "Sit down!" "Have I got time, I ask myself." "Hold on." "All right." "[SINGING] Where is my fabricated Half-inch pipe?" "Give me my fabricated half-inch pipe" "Please give me that old Fabricated half-inch pipe" "And I'll beat the crap out of you" "Beat the crap out of you!" "[ALL LAUGHING]" "BARTENDER:" "He's beautiful." "He's beautiful." "CHEF:" "You got two burgers, a lunch special and fries coming up, okay?" "Coffee." "Is this decaf?" "No." "Did you ask for decaf?" "I asked you twice for decaf." "Is that a problem here?" "A little water would be nice, too, if you're not busy." "You want to fight?" "No." "I just can't drink this stuff, gives me gas." "Sorry to hear that." "Damn it." "Are you okay?" "Yeah." "Anything I can do for you?" "No, honey." "I'm fine." "Hey, honey." "Where's my hamburger?" "I honestly don't know." ""I've never been very good at goodbyes, Arthur so I'll just say that I love you and adore you and always will." "Linda."" "Hey, man, I'm tired of hearing you read that stuff." "Ain't you got anything else to do?" ""Dearest Arthur." "I can't stay anymore."" "Hey, Frank." "Let me tell you something." "Hi, sir." "Want a drink?" "Thank you." "In a moment." ""Dearest Arthur ...." "[DRUNK BURPS]" "I can't stay anymore. [CAR HORN HONKING]" "MAN:" "What are you doing?" "ARTHUR: it's my car." "I saw it first." "You've been copping all my business." "You take a walk!" "I'll take the yellow car." "Nicer class of person altogether." "Get out of here." "Get a job." "I got a job." "I had one." "The cash register wouldn't open." "Nice type of person." "Let's have lunch!" "There's nothing like being in the middle of a road." "Big car." "Lovely." "BITTERMAN:" "Mr. Bach." "Bitterman!" "How the hell are you?" "Sir, is that you?" "What are you doing here?" "They said I'd never make it, Bitterman." "They said the city would eat me alive." "Now look at me." "I have my own pail." "I have my own squeegee sponge." "I showed them all." "Sir, can I give you some help?" "No, I don't need any help." "I've washed Windshields 10 times dirtier than this." "Martha!" "What are you doing?" "I was just washing" "Are you going to marry Susan Johnson or not?" "Listen, I told you I can't." "You don't seem to" "Get that thing out of my face." "I'm sorry." "Enough is enough, Arthur." "Marry the bitch." "You marry her, Martha!" "[CAR HORN HONKING]" "Holy ...." "[SINGING "DECK THE HALLS"]" "ARTHUR:" "Of course, my family, the Bach family, owns about 40 percent." "Exactly 40 percent." "We each own 40 percent." "And then, of course, Mr. Johnson old clever dick he bought up the controlling interest, 20 percent because he wants me to marry Susan, but I don't love Susan." "Shh." "Oh." "Shh, right." "I don't want to talk about it." "You're quite right." "Then Mrs. Canby ...." "Mrs. Canby said I needed a job." "But the cash register would not open." "Yeah." "Absolutely." "It was a very quiet cash register." "Very, very quiet." "Then Linda left me a note." "I've got it." "It's not too long." "I'll read it to you." "MAN:" "Hello, Arthur." "Hob" " Hob...." "Hob ...." "Yes, very well put." "Brevity is the soul of wit." "Hobson?" "But you're, um ..." "Dead." "Yes, I am dead." "How tactful of you to mention it." "Our little conversation is off to a most auspicious start." "So this is ...." "What?" "A dream?" "A dream?" "Perhaps." "My money would be on a drunken stupor." "What can I do, Hobson?" "I mean, what would you do if you were me?" "The word "bathe" comes to mind." "I was sorry to hear about you and Linda, Arthur." "A wife like that is hard to find." "Still is." "[ARTHUR LAUGHING]" "Come on, Hobson. it's a joke." "What's the matter, you don't get it, Hobson?" "No." "Well, of course, the Crematorium fried your brain." "I keep forgetting you don't have a sense of humor anymore." "Come on, fella." "Let's move along." "All right." "God, I've missed you, Hobson." "I've never been far." "Yeah." "I've felt that." "HOBSON:" "I've had my eye on you, Arthur." "You can't imagine how proud I've been watching you rooting through garbage cans searching out discarded McNugget boxes." "You saw that." "Yes." "If projectile vomiting ever becomes an Olympic event you'll do your country proud." "I'm trying, you know." "Yesterday I sold some blood at a hospital." "Hospital?" "I should have thought a local distillery would have paid you much more." "How have I gotten along without you, Hobson?" "Obviously not very well." "I wouldn't say that, Hobson." "[CHUCKLES]" "I love the circus." "Remember you used to bring me here every year, Hobson?" "I used to try and run up to all the clowns and squeeze their noses." "After the age of 30, it becomes a bit embarrassing." "Really?" "Did I embarrass you, Hobson?" "Only every waking moment." "Phew." "Why do women wear so much makeup?" "I find it so unappealing." "What do you think, Hobson?" "I think I've come just in time." "Oh." "POLICEMAN:" "Get out and stay out!" "I better not catch you here again." "HOBSON: isn't this where Miss Johnson lives?" "ARTHUR:" "That's right." "So you're giving up." "Absolutely." "Absolutely." "I'm giving up." "I'm cutting my losses." "I'm quitting." "Of course you are." "Why break with tradition?" "DOORMAN:" "May I help you?" "Oh, yeah." "Yes." "Um ...." "Is Susan Johnson in?" "I've come to marry the bitch." "Is Miss Johnson a friend of yours?" "HOBSON:" "That's a most perceptive question." "Cuts right to the heart of the matter;" "doesn't it, Arthur?" "Yeah." "Yeah." "You're right." "She's no friend of mine." "What am I doing here?" "She isn't even a friend of mine, and I'm thinking of marrying her?" "[LAUGHS]" "God." "Here, thank you." "Thank you both." "You two were terrific." "Honestly, this was better than 20 years in therapy." "Thank you so much." "You ought to have your own TV show or at the very least not have to wear that hat." "Come on, Hobson." "God, I nearly ...." "Can you believe that?" "I almost went in there and asked her to marry me." "HOBSON:" "Arthur." "Wake up, Arthur." "Plenty of time to sleep later." "What a delightful place." "How nice of them to let you in without a reservation." "Kicking the bucket hasn't changed you a bit, has it?" "MAN:" "You!" "Could you keep it down?" "ARTHUR:" "Hey." "If you don't mind, I'm talking to my butler whom I haven't seen since he passed away five years ago." "Yeah, I'm playing blackjack with Uncle Rudy who died in 1956." "But at least he has the decency to keep quiet." "Okay, Uncle Rudy, hit me." "What does that tell you?" "Hit me!" "Maybe we should go somewhere else." "Yes." "If possible, somewhere upwind." "God." "Look at me, Hobson." "No, thank you." "You can get this out, right?" "I'm not on salary anymore, Arthur." "You're on your own." "The fact is, I've got to leave you shortly." "They only gave me a half day." "No, no, no, Hobson." "No, you can't." "You're all I've got." "I've lost Linda... ..I've lost all the money." "I'm a drowning man, Hobson." "I wish I were dead." "No offense." "None taken." "You spoiled little shit." "You thought your life was going to be one big party, didn't you?" "Now you know." "Parties don't last forever." "I don't want you to end up here, Arthur sleeping alone, playing blackjack with Uncle Rudy." "I can't bear that." "I've told you before you can do anything with your life that you want to." "Stop your drinking, Arthur." "Why should I bother?" "Give me one good reason." "I've seen your son." "You've seen ...." "He's a splendid boy, Arthur, wonderful." "Bright blue eyes." "He smiles all the time." "I like him, Arthur." "You will too." "Oh." "Old man, you're not playing fair." "I've told him all about you, Arthur but he wants to meet you all the same." "It's up to you, Arthur." "It always has been." "MAN:" "Blackjack." "ARTHUR:" "What?" "MAN:" "I said, blackjack." "TROY:" "Come on, Martha, shake and move!" "Get it going!" "Yeah!" "Move it!" "Move it!" "Shake those buns!" "Shake those bones!" "Move it!" "Move it!" "Whoo!" "Get the arms going!" "[REIMY'S "SPEED OF LIGHT" PLAYING ON STEREO]" "ARTHUR:" "Martha." "Martha, I have to talk to you." "Arthur, I'm in the middle of a workout." "I understand that" "It's okay, it's okay, Martha." "[MUSIC STOPS]" "Why don't we take a break?" "You look a little bit tired." "I'll be in the next room if you want me." "Of course I want him but it would probably kill me." "Arthur, what's happened to you?" "You've changed." "Are you taller?" "I feel taller, Martha." "Unless, of course, you're shrinking." "Yeah." "Um ...." "Martha ...." "You know, a few years ago, Linda bought a scrapbook." "And she wanted a picture of me and my father." "Now, I looked everywhere and I couldn't find one." "Not one of us together, you know." "We never did anything together." "We never shared anything." "Now I know I can do better, Martha, I know that now." "I can be a better father than he was." "But I can't do anything." "I mean, I am paralyzed as long as Burt Johnson is on my back." "But, Arthur, I've told you before." "I can't do anything to help you." "Martha, there must be" "But if I were you and 30 years younger I'd try to find a man called Noah Curtis." "He and Burt Johnson used to be partners in business." "Then they had some sort of a falling-out." "If Johnson has a skeleton in his closet, Curtis would know." "Noah Curtis, Martha?" "Thank you." "CURTIS:" "Mr. Bach?" "I am Noah Curtis' son." "My father died last year." "After what Burt Johnson did to him I'll do anything to help nail that thief." "Here's a list of names of people involved in that deal." "[WHISPERING] Thank you." "I guess you'd be in a lot of trouble if they knew what you were doing." "No, not really." "Then why did you want to meet me here?" "I park my car right over there." "Can I give you a lift somewhere?" "No, no." "Thank you very much." "Bye." "[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]" "You made it." "Oh!" "You got the stuff?" "I used to live at the Waldorf-Astoria till Burt Johnson did this to me." "I've been waiting for years for somebody with enough guts to take him on." "Here it is." "Good luck." "[PEOPLE CHATTERING AND LAUGHING]" "Oh, thank you." "WOMAN:" "Look at the beautiful skyline." "STEWARD:" "Your name, sir?" "Name?" "Roger Basinforth Cummings III." "I'm sorry, buddy." "This is a private Christmas party." "Merry Christmas to you, though." "Merry Christmas." "[SHIP HORN BLARING]" "SUSAN:" "Neil, Pat." "I can't believe you came in from Texas." "We're happy to be here." "You've lost some weight." "About 20 pounds." "Well, Robin, how are you?" "Thank you." "Same to you." "[ENGINE HUMMING]" "WOMAN:" "Mr. Johnson, it's a wonderful party!" "How are you?" "You're looking beautiful." "WOMAN:" "Thank you." "You look pretty good yourself." "Daddy." "Sunshine girl." "You did a beautiful job." "Thank you." "I'm glad you like it." "Well, you have so many friends." "Burt, how the hell are you?" "You look great." "Arthur, what are you doing here?" "I brought you a gift, Burt." "Is there somewhere we can talk?" "Oh?" "I think so." "You follow me." "Excuse me, gentlemen." "So you've finally come to your senses." "We'll resolve this quickly." "Then you can get a shave, clean up, and join the party." "It must have been awful for you out there, alone in the cold." "I was out there in the cold, but I wasn't alone." "Arthur." "ARTHUR:" "Susan." "I knew you'd come." "I don't think I've ever seen you while I'm sober." "You have a very beautiful face when it isn't going in and out of focus." "[JOHNSON LAUGHS]" "Now Arthur says he has a gift for me." "What is it, Arthur?" "Um, it's a little gift you might not like." "The Carlyle-Swinson buyout." "The fraud, the extortion, it's all here." "I've got Earl Swinson's notes financial records, everything." "Have a read." "You might love it." "JOHNSON:" "My, my, my." "That's very interesting." "You've certainly done your homework." "I don't want to send you to jail." "I just want what's mine plus a couple more of those hors d'oeuvres, which are scrumptious." "Arthur, what's this all about?" "Sunshine, don't you worry about anything." "Why don't you rejoin the party?" "No." "I think I'll stay." "Burt, we're waiting for you to make the big toast." "Frankie, Morty, come on in here." "Come on, come on." "I want you to meet Arthur Bach, Stanford's boy." "The asshole?" "That's right." "Arthur has just told me a very amusing story." "By the way, these gentlemen are on my board of directors so why don't you just tell them what you told me?" "Well, there was fraud..." "Now, Arthur barges in here and confronts me with evidence about the Carlyle-Swinson buyout." "Now, would you believe it?" "What was that, 20 years ago?" "I remember it." "That was brilliant, Burt." "FRANKIE:" "You floated 10,000 shares of stock that never existed." "The Securities and Exchange Commission never suspected a thing." "He can't be prosecuted for that." "The statute of limitations has run out." "Oh, Arthur, I think you could use a drink." "No, thanks." "I don't drink." "Who said that?" "All right." "Now, let's cut all this nonsense out." "When are we gonna set a date for this wedding?" "There's not going to be a wedding." "Don't you understand?" "There's not going to be a wedding." "You're not gonna screw up my family the same way you screwed up yours." "I want my life back." "I want Linda." "I want my son." "[GROANS]" "Arthur." "You've killed him!" "FRANKIE:" "Burt, are you all right?" "ARTHUR:" "That concludes our presentation." "Thank you so much for coming." "Please drive carefully." "Come on, Burt." "You're all right." "You're not hurt." "Give him back his money." "Arthur and I aren't right for each other." "I can see that now." "I'll show you something else you can see right now." "Wait, wait, wait!" "I should have killed you." "I should have done it six years ago." "Daddy, no." "Is that a gun?" "That looks like" "I'm tired of your crap, young man." "You two Lovebirds are getting married." "Got a tuxedo or want me to rent one?" "Daddy, put that thing away." "He hit me." "Did you see him?" "Nobody does that to me." "Okay, nobody yell "pull."" "Daddy, he doesn't love me." "It's over." "Put that thing away." "Don't make me tell Mom about your weekend business trips to Florida." "You wouldn't." "I would." "She would." "All right." "You can have the money." "I don't care." "We'll keep all this between ourselves, right, sunshine?" "Gentlemen, drinks are on me." "MORTY:" "He really is an asshole." "Come on, Arthur." "I'll show you out." "[ARTHUR SIGHS]" "ARTHUR:" "Thank you for in there." "You're welcome." "You know, it felt pretty good." "Yeah." "You know, Susan, all in all this has probably been our most successful date ever." "You gonna be all right?" "I think so." "Yeah." "Yeah, I think so too." "Aww." "Thank you." "[SHIP HORN BLARING]" "Excuse me." "[ARTHUR CHEERS]" "[PLAYING "WHEN THE SAINTS GO MARCHING IN"]" "Wow!" "Hey, look at this." "Hey." "Cool." "This is it, Bitterman_" "Now's the time." "Yes, sir." "Come on!" "Great." "Nice car." "Whose is it?" "Arthur, you got it back!" "You got everything back!" "How did you do it?" "What did you--?" "I'll tell you later." "Right now, there's something I've got to know." "What?" "Who sent you all this crap?" "[BOTH LAUGHING]" "LINDA:" "Arthur, I missed you so much." "[HORN HONKING]" "Hello there." "Oh." "Mrs. Canby." "Mrs. Canby." "Oh." "Oh!" "Oh, Arthur." "He's beautiful." "You've got the beautiful part right, but it's not a he." "What?" "A girl?" "Are you sure?" "Honey, when a baby's born, there's a visual test they do that's usually pretty accurate." "[ARTHUR STAMMERS]" "I know. it's just that somebody I know had predicted a son." "What?" "What, honey?" "I'm pregnant." "Mrs. Canby!" "Anybody else?" "Hey, Bitterman." "Hey." "Take me and my one, two-- Oh, I can't stand it." "My family home." "ALL:" "Surprise!" "LINDA:" "Oh, hello." "Oh, Arthur." "Hello, Maria." "How are you?" "it's nice to see you." "ARTHUR:" "Hi, Maria." "How are you?" "Nice to see you again." "Farnsworth, how are you?" "FARNSWORTH:" "Welcome home, sir." "Greta, I've got something for you." "Two, sir?" "Well, we'll explain later, Greta." "Welcome home, sir." "Ames." "Nice to see you." "Hey, well done, Fairchild." "Thank you, sir." "Welcome home, sir." "I missed you." "I've missed you too, Fairchild." "Merry Christmas." "Merry Christmas, sir." "Merry Christmas, Fairchild." "Merry Christmas, madam." "She's beautiful." "Sir, would you care to smell my rose?" "Of course." "It's lovely." "LINDA:" "Fairchild!" "Fairchild, you did well." "She likes it." "That's ridiculous." "Fairchild, get upstairs and pack your bags." "Sir?" "ARTHUR:" "God." "Come on, Fairchild." "I mean it." "Upstairs." "Pack your things." "Yes, sir." "Arthur, honey, don't you think--?" "Linda, this is between me and Fairchild." "Yes, but Arthur" "I'll handle it." "All right." "Is that everything?" "What?" "Oh, yes, sir." "Fine." "Follow me." "Sir, that's Hobson's room." "If Hobson should drop in you get the couch." "Excellent!" "[ARTHUR WHOOPS]" "LINDA:" "What did he say?" "You should have seen his face." "I bet he nearly died." "Well, here we are." "Hello, my darling." "Hello." "[ARTHUR HUMMING]" "[IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] Why am I talking like this?" "Come on, angel." "Come on, princess." "[IN NORMAL VOICE] Whoa." "There you go." "There you go." "There you go." "[BABY COOING]" "[ENGLISH" " US" " SDH" " NN1]"