"Mike:" "Molly, you coming to bed?" "In a minute!" "You said that ten minutes ago." "I know, I'm sorry." "Let me just finish this chapter." "How long you gonna be?" "Joyce:" "Just go down and do her on the couch!" "Mom!" "So, what do you think?" "No, I'm not doing it on the couch." "Apparently, we're not doing it anywhere anymore." "Look, if I'm gonna get this vice-principal job and make a difference at the school," "I'm gonna have to put in some extra time." "I get wanting to fight the system." "In junior high, I spearheaded a petition to revoke the four-milk limit." "How did that work out for you?" "They buried me in a sea of red tape." "Sweetie, I'm sorry I haven't given you a lot of attention lately, but this is important to me." "I understand." "I'll let you get back to your work, and I'll see you in the morning." "Hang on." "Yes?" "I'll go upstairs with you for a while, but then I gotta come back down and finish my work." "So you're gonna have sex with me just to shut me up?" "No, not just to shut you up." "Just to put you to sleep, and so you won't talk anymore." "Hang on a second." "Have you done this before?" "Not intentionally. (Chuckles)" "No, I'm not that desperate." "You go ahead and study." "If your heart's not in it 100%," "I'm not gonna enjoy it either." "Okay." "Good night." "Good night." "You know, I don't really need 100%." "What's passing?" "Like, 70%, right?" "Can you at least give me 70%?" "70% I could do." "I'm telling you, if we pick the right costumes, this Halloween, we can both get lucky with the ladies." "I'm listening." "The key is, we both can't be dressed sexy 'cause that puts off a gay vibe, and the chicks will think we're a couple." "We should avoid that if possible." "Indeed, we should." "So, one of us needs to dress sexy, while the other one dresses cute." "That way, the cute guy earns their trust, while the sexy guy closes the deal." "Here we go." "For example, I could dress up as the dashing spaniard, Zorro, and you could be my little sidekick, Spongebob Squarepants." "Why can't I be Zorro?" "Do you have a Zorro costume?" "No." "Well, I do." "I also have a Spongebob costume that this one would never wear." "Samuel, don't do this." "He just wants you to look like an idiot so he can increase his odds." "Thank you, Mike." "I was unable to see through" "Carl's clever machinations." "You're still pissed about that" ""me Tarzan, you Humpty Dumpty" debacle?" "Yeah, me still pissed." "It was the most humiliating night of my life." "Hey, that's not on me." "You're the one who spent all night bellyaching and pouring Tequila shots into your egghole." "I sat on a barstool for three hours while people kept trying to push me over." "You know how hard it is to defend yourself when you're dressed as an egg?" "No, but I know how funny it is." "Ah!" "Some drunk guy wearing a chicken suit kept trying to sit on his face." "Halloween is a stupid holiday." "Even as a kid, no matter how cool my costume was," "I was always the fat cowboy or fat superman." "I dressed as Dracula once, and everybody thought I was Pavarotti." "I do agree, it's a very odd ritual:" "Children walking door-to-door, holding out empty sacks, begging for food." "In my country, that's not called Halloween, it's called Tuesday." "First of all, the common misconception is that it's a holiday for children." "In fact, it is an excuse for grown women to dress slutty, get crazy drunk and make bad decisions." "Like going home with Zorro and Spongebob?" "Make sure you got enough money for cab fare when Zorro here ditches you for two girls dressed like a good witch and a bad witch." "That was a weird night." "It turns out the good witch was actually the bad witch, and the bad witch was actually a dude." "Meanwhile, I was at the iHop dressed as an egg having pancakes with a chicken." "So Molly's working late again tonight, huh?" "Yeah." "She's really shooting for that vice-principal job." "Vice-principal, huh?" "Kind of a butch job for a broad, isn't it?" "What are you talking about?" "Well, in my day, the vice-principal was a hairy goon that slapped you around for taking a girl's cherry in the gym teacher's skylark." "You understand she works at an elementary school, right?" "Absolutely." "If it was junior high, they'd kneecap you with a phone book." "Well, I think most schools now have really cut back on the physical abuse." "And that's the reason we're all gonna be speaking Chinese in ten years." "I think nowadays the vice-principal job's mostly administrative and not so much about skull-cracking." "Well, good-bye, America." "I hope you don't mind rickshaws in the carpool Lane." "I'm actually very proud of Molly." "Instead of just griping about the problem, she's trying to fix it." "Oh, one of those, huh?" "Well, you're a better man than me, my friend." "I wouldn't be able to take a back seat to my old lady's career." "It's not about taking a back seat." "I'm just trying to be supportive of my partner." "And I admire that." "I guess I'm not man enough to be as womanly as you are." "You know, Vince, I'd ask you to come join me in this century, but you don't seem all that comfortable in the last one." "Call me old-fashioned, but unlike a suit, a relationship does not come with two pairs of pants." "Hey, I just remembered I have a TV in my room." "Aw, come on." "I hurt your feelings?" "You know, sometimes you're kind of a big girl." "Yeah, well, this big girl has a gun in her room." "Son of a bitch always has to play that card." "Mike?" "Sweetheart, you awake?" "Mike, guess what happened." "What time is it?" "It's really late." "Super late." "The committee meeting went long, and we all went out for coffee afterwards." "And I asked for decaf, but I don't think they gave me decaf." "Okay." "No, no, no, I have great news." "Really great news." "You want to hear it?" "Do you want to hear it?" "Do you want to hear it?" "(Sighs) Geez, how much coffee did you have?" "I don't know." "But I'm sweating bullets, and I've peed five times." "All right." "No, hey, hey, hey!" "Anyway, the principal dropped by the committee meeting, and he told me that he was really impressed with all the extra hours I've been putting in." "Uh-huh." "Yeah." "But here's the best part." "You want to hear the best part?" "If it's the last part." "Guess who's been invited to his house for a very exclusive Halloween party?" "You?" "No, us!" "Crap." "No, no, no!" "Come on!" "I know you hate Halloween, but I'll buy us cool costumes." "How do you feel about playing Dracula?" "No!" "I don't want to wear a costume!" "Well, neither do I, but it's a great opportunity for me to schmooze with the members of the school board." "Wow, you put off a lot of heat when you sleep." "Molly, please don't make me do this." "Okay, fine." "I'm not gonna make you do anything, but I bet I could persuade you." "Wait a second." "You're gonna have sex with me just to get me to do something I don't want to do?" "Is there a problem?" "No." "Oh. (Laughs)" "Oh, how about if we go as raggedy Ann and Andy?" "Don't talk." "Oh." "I hate Halloween." "Come on." "It's just kids being kids." "You don't want to know what I threw at cop cars when I was their age." "It's not that." "I gotta go to this stupid costume party with Molly tonight." "Aw, that's too bad." "Sandwich bags filled with poop, by the way." "Yeah, I figured as much." "You know what she did last night to get me to go?" "She woke me up out of a dead sleep and had sex with me." "I'm listening really hard, but I'm not hearing the bad." "She knows I can't say no to intercourse, and she used that to her advantage." "Wait, so you're saying women use sex to get us to do things we wouldn't normally do?" "We'd better warn the others!" "Hey, it's new to me." "That's it!" "(Siren walls)" "Let's scare the hell out of those little punks." "All right." "If we have to chase 'em on foot." "I'll go after the hulk and you go after the giant hotdog." "You know what's weird?" "I had a dream about that once." "I'll give you the black lipstick so you can reapply it after you make out or throw up." "I'm not gonna be making out or throwing up." "I thought you said it was a party." "Let me get some more hairspray so it doesn't wilt while you're dancing." "There's not gonna be any dancing." "Wow, no dancing, throwing up or making out?" "Sometimes I do all that stuff on the way to the party." "(Door shuts)" "Mike, you're late." "What happened?" "Carl and I ran into a pack of ten-year-olds armed with eggs and wired on sweetarts." "Oh..." "You can't use excessive force on them, can you?" "You can, but everybody has video cameras now." "Well, we need to get dressed." "And as you can see," "I'm going as bride of Frankenstein, which means you will be..." "Fat Frankenstein." "You know what?" "I'm not doing it." "I'm not gonna dress up." "You have to, it's a Halloween party." "Everybody is gonna be dressed up." "Listen, I understand that this night is important to you, and I ll happily stand by your side all night long in the nicest suit I own, but I will not, I repeat, will not put on a stupid costume" "just to be a part of your blind quest for power!" "(Growls)" "Quit growling." "I hate this." "The sleeves are too short, my pants are riding up on me, and I can't take a wizz without turning my penis green." "(Doorbell rings)" "Oh." "Grab that, will you, vin?" "I'm making us some candycorn-tinis." "(Doorbell rings repeatedly)" "Hold on, you little bastards." "Trick or treat!" "Yeah, yeah, don't lean on the bell like that." "What are you, diabetic?" "No, I'm Batman." "Well, I'm Satan." "Welcome to hell." "One for you, one for the little lady and one for four-eyes over here." "I'm Harry Potter." "A little advice..." "lose the broom and get a strong male influence in your life." "Well, they're just adorable, aren't they?" "Oh, yeah, I can't wait for Mike and Molly to give us some grandkids." "Well, you're so good with them." "Ah, oh, isn't this great?" "(Growling)" "Stop growling." "I hate Halloween, I hate Halloween costumes, and I hate Halloween parties." "Yeah, but look, there's people walking around with trays of little food." "You like that." "I do like that." "Ms. Flynn, glad you could make it." "Hi." "Principal Gilmartin, thank you so much for inviting us to your beautiful home." "And this is my fiancé, Michael Biggs of the Chicago police department." "Arrgh, 'tis a pleasure to meet you, Matey." "(Nervous chuckle)" "Mike, he's not a pirate, he's Edgar Allen Poe." "That's why he's got a raven on his shoulder and not a parrot." "Where'd they get that brain of yours from?" "I don't know, you rented the costume." "Well, nice to meet you, officer Biggs." "Or should I say Mr. And Mrs. Frankenstein?" "(Laughing) Arrgh." "What'd I miss?" "Oh, Molly, there's a couple of folks from the school board I'd like to introduce you to." "Oh, right behind you." "You gonna be okay?" "Yeah, I'll be fine." "I'll just grab a couple of those little sandwiches and hang out with Shemp over there." "That's Gertrude Stein." "Well, she did a great job with the shemp costume." "(Imitating curly):" "Eh, a wise guy." "Nyuk, nyuk." "There you go." "Do I look like I'm from outer space?" "Whoa, Manny, Moe and Jack." "Can you tell which one's the fake one?" "No." "And I'm really looking." "Baby, you sure you're ready for a night of guys eyeballing your honkers?" "Business as usual, really." "But now I get to say, "hey, my three eyes are up here."" "Hey, look at that, you do have three eyes." "(Doorbell ringing)" "Vince, get the door." "I'm gonna have to sleep on my back tonight." "You gotta be kiddin' me." "You guys are a little old to be trick-or-treatin', aren't you?" "Just give us the candy, man." "What are you, like 30?" "Get a job and buy your own." "Just give 'em the candy, Vince." "Yeah, just give us the candy, Vince." "No." "There's a principle involved." "These mopes didn't even say "trick-or-treat."" "Trick-or-treat, okay?" "Come on, just give 'em the candy." "Otherwise, they'll crap on the lawn." "She's not wrong." "Let me handle this." "Trick-or-treat, boys." "One for each." "If I had four of these things, I could rule the world." "I just think if we're gonna spend the money on a hot lunch program, there should be healthy choices for the kids." "I mean, have you seen what they're serving?" "Oh, no, I try to avoid the cafeteria." "(Laughter)" "Well, most of what they're getting is either starch or sugar, which is why the kids crash every afternoon." "Do we really want to change that?" "Because I actually enjoy the quiet." "Well, I'm just saying, if we use more of our budget on healthy foods, their brains would work better, and we wouldn't have to taser them to get them to study." "You know, I think you're onto something." "I love the idea of tasers." "(Laughter)" "Oh, excuse me." "(Under breath):" "Yeah, why don't you taser this." "Come on, Mike, let's get out of here." "What?" "They just brought out the little meatballs." "I don't fit in with these people with their Ivy league schools and their inside jokes." "I'm not cut out for grade school politics." "And Cleopatra's got her head so far up Edgar Allen Poe's ass that she can smell Voltaire's feet." "I have no idea what any of that means, but it sounds like you're not pissed off at me anymore." "Mike, I'm, I'm sorry I made you come to this with me." "Come on, let's go." "Oh, hang on." "You're just gonna give up?" "What's the point?" "The school board's just gonna hand the job to somebody with advanced degrees from a fancy college like they always do." "And that's the reason nothing ever changes." "And that's why you wanted to get involved in the first place, to make a difference, right?" " Right." " You gonna let Amadeus and Cher knock you off your path?" "It's Voltaire and Cleopatra." "Whatever." "You are bride of freakin' Frankenstein, lady." "And we Frankensteins have heart." "It may not be our own, but it beats strong and we lead with it." "Now get over there and show 'em who you're made of." "You're right." "Excuse me." "Principal Gilmartin," "I just wanted to thank you again for inviting us." "And I want to let you know that I'm determined to be your next vice-principal." "I can't think of anybody else who would be better at it, and of course that's up to you." "If you do make the wrong decision and I don't get it," "I'll just go back to doing what I've always been doing, which is being the best damn fourth grade teacher that school's ever seen." "(Slow clapping)" "No, no, no!" "Personally, I think you'd make a wonderful vice-principal." " Really?" " Absolutely." "You're hard working and clearly dedicated to your students." "Okay." "Terrific." "I guess there's nothing left to do but get hammered and make out with my big green boyfriend." "Happy Halloween." "It's getting there." "He's a nice guy." "I'll have his job in a year." "You're a monster!" "(Laughter)" "(Roaring)" "(Screaming)" "(Laughing)" "I love Halloween." "(Growling)" "Samuel:" "Well, that was a humiliating experience." "Forget about it." "Sit down." "I'll buy you some breakfast."