"(ORCHESTRA TUNING INSTRUMENTS)" "(LIVELY CHATTERING)" "(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)" "(ORCHESTRA PLAYS LIVELY OVERTURE)" "VOICE OF SHREK:" "Once upon a time, there was a little ogre named Shrek who lived with his parents in a bog by a tree." "It was a pretty nasty place, but he was happy because ogres like nasty." "On his birthday, the little ogre's parents sat him down to talk, just as all ogre parents had for hundreds of years before." "(SLOW, SIMPLE MELODY PLAYS) d Listen, son d You're growing up so quickly d Growing up d Bigger by the day d Although we want you here The rules are very clear" " d Now you're seven." " d Now you're seven" " d So it's time to go away." " d So it's time to go away" "(NOISEMAKERS SQUAWK) d Your mama packed a sandwich for your trip d Your papa packed your boots in case of snow" " d You're gonna make us proud." " d You're gonna make us proud" " d No backing up allowed." " d No backing up allowed" " d Just keep walking." " d Just keep walking" " d And you'll find." " d And you'll find" " d Somewhere to go." " d Somewhere to go" " d It's a big, bright, beautiful world." " d It's a big, bright, beautiful world" " d With happiness all around." " d With happiness all around" " d It's peaches and cream." " d It's peaches and cream" " d And every dream comes true." " d And every dream comes true" " d But not for you." " d But not for you" " d It's a big, bright, beautiful world." " d It's a big, bright, beautiful world" " d With possibilities everywhere." " d With possibilities everywhere" " d And just around the bend." " d And just around the bend" " d There's a friend or two." " d There's a friend or two" " d But not for you." " d But not for you" " (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) - d We're ugly, son d Which means that life is harder" "(SCREAMS) No, no, no!" "d People hate the things d They cannot understand d And when they look at us They tend to make a fuss d Burn our houses down d And chase us" " d Off our land." " d Off our land" "(CHILDREN LAUGHING) d It's important that you find a cozy cesspit d A place no one would ever dare to tread d And if they happen by Make sure you terrify them" " d If you don't, son." " d If you don't, son" " d Then you'll surely wind up dead." " d Then you'll surely wind up dead" " d Goodbye!" " d Goodbye!" "d Watch out for men with pitchforks!" "d" "VOICE OF SHREK:" "And so, the little ogre went on his merry way." "And wherever he went, crowds would welcome him with festive torches and hatchets and fun things like that." "But whenever the little ogre tried to join in the fun... (CROWD SCREAMING) ...his new friends would suddenly realize they had other things to do." "So the ogre did what his parents had told him to." "He found a perfectly rancid swamp, and there he stayed for many years, all alone, but very happy with how his life had turned out." "(TOILET FLUSHES)" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)" " (DOORKNOB RATTLES)" " SHREK:" "Oh, come on." "Not again." "Aw... (ROCK MUSIC PLAYS)" "(AUDIENCE CHEERS) d Keep your big, bright, beautiful world d I'm happy where I am, all alone d I've got all I need d So read the stinkin' sign!" "(CHUCKLES) Ow!" "d Keep your big, bright, beautiful world d I party on my own anyway d Doin' what I can with a one-man conga-line" "d Yeah, your big, bright beautiful world d ls all teddy bears and unicorns d Take your fluffy fun and shove it where the sun don't shine!" "d I prefer a life like this d It's not that complicated d Sure, I'm fated to be lonely and I'm destined to be hated d If you read the books they say it's why I was created" "d But I don't care d 'Cause being liked d ls grossly overrated" "d Who needs a big, bright, beautiful world?" "d I've got my own little patch of the world d It's not a big, bright beautiful world d But it's mine d All alone, it's mine d And it's mine" " (FARTS) Yeah!" " (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) d All mine!" "d" "(AUDIENCE CHEERS, APPLAUDS)" "(CHUCKLES)" "GUARD:" "Right this way!" "(FAIRY-TALE CREATURES GRUMBLING)" " Aw!" " Ooh!" "GUARD:" "Don't mind the mud." "You'll get used to it. (CACKLES)" "PINOCCHIO:" "This is not appropriate for wood." "I'm gonna bail if we're in here for too long." "You know what?" "This bog..." " This place is a dump!" " It's awful." " Take deep breaths, brother." " He has panic attacks." " This little piggy needs some Paxil." " Oh!" "Look, you read Lord Farquaad's decree." "Yeah, yeah, we read it." ""All fairy-tale creatures have been banished from the Kingdom of Duloc." "All fruitcakes and freaks will be sent to a 'resettlement facility."." " Um... it smells like butt." " Yes." " She's right." "It really stinks." " (WHISTLE TRILLS)" " (ALL SHOUT)" " When I call your name, step forward." "Pinocchio, the Puppet!" "I am not a puppet, I'm a real boy." "(CACKLES)" " That's your patch of mud down there." " Thank you very much." " Shoemaker's Elf!" " Yes." "Right here." " Ugly Duckling!" " Aw!" "Dumped on a swamp!" "Man, I tell you, sometimes being a fairy-tale creature sucks pine sap!" "d Life is disappointing d Woe is what I know" "d Outed by my nose d That's just how it goes for poor Pinocchio d Story of my life Always doomed to fail d Cheated by a fox Swallowed by a whale d That's the story of my life, oh yeah" "d That's the story of my life" "Three Bears, take your spot over there by that sign." "No, that's too far!" "(INHALES SHARPLY) Too close." "Ah!" "Just right." "d Strife is never ending" "Fairy Godmother!" " d Banished from the town." " Wicked Witch!" "d They dragged me from the pond d They broke my magic wand d They blew our condos down" "Mad Hatter!" "d Life is but a witch hunt d Mama's in the mud Mama's in distress d They ridiculed my hat d They said that we were fat d They tore my cotton granny dress and called me a hot and tranny mess" "Sugar Plum Fairy!" "ALL: d Story of my life Booted from the ball d The party's off the hook d But I'm too off-the-wall" "ALL: d That's the story of my life" "GUARD:" "You're late, Rabbit!" " d That's the story of my life." " Have fun, you guys." "ALL: d That's the story of my life" "And remember, if we find you back in the kingdom, you will be executed." "(PANICKED CHATTERING)" "(PLODDING MELODY PLAYS)" "ALL: d I always dreamed I'd get a happy ending d And this right here?" "Not how it goes" "ALL: d I always dreamed I'd get an "ever after"" "d If this is it, it blows d It blows d It blows" "This is worse than that time I caught Dutch elm disease in Tijuana!" "ALL: d Story of my life d All the wasted prayers All the broken dreams" "THREE BEARS: d All the broken chairs" "ALL: d All the damage done" "THREE BEARS:" "All the busted beds" " d All the shattered bowls. - d And the porridge on our heads" "ALL: d That's the story of my life, yes, sir d That's the story of my life, oy vey!" "d That's the story of my" "d Life d" "(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)" "(INDISTINCT CHATTER)" "What are you doing in my swamp?" "(SCREAMING) Oh, gosh!" "Well, we were forced to come here." " Forced?" "By who?" " Lord Farquaad!" "He huffed und he puffed und he signed an eviction notice." "(ALL CHATTERING)" "Oh, really?" "!" "Well, not my problem." "Now you all need to turn around and go back where you came from." "Go back?" "We can't go back!" "Farquaad will turn us into bratwurst!" "Oh!" "The guy's bad news." "SUGAR PLUM FAIRY:" "Hey, maybe you could talking to him, huh?" "Yeah, he'd listen to you!" "(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)" "You're big and scary." "I'm also an ogre, which means I stay on my swamp and avoid large crowds." "Or haven't you read the stories?" "Ha!" "You mean those stories that say that I'm a big, bad wolf?" " PINOCCHIO:" "Oh yeah!" "That's so funny!" " Hey..." "And the ones that say I'm a wicked witch?" "(CACKLING)" "Or..." "Or the ones that say that I'm a "wooden boy."" " (SILENCE) - (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)" "What?" "I'm not a wooden boy." "I have a glandular condition." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)" "Look here, ogre, I'm gonna spell it out for you." "We don't want us here any more than you do." "But you are the only one tough enough to stand up to that no-good flimflammer Farquaad." "Tough enough?" "You don't even know me!" " (GROWLS) - (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) d I always dreamed I'd get a happy ending d It was foretold in my horoscope d Can't you help us out with an "ever after"?" "ALL: d Can't you see that you're our only hope?" " No." " d You're our only hope" " d Hope." " d You're our only hope d H-O-P-E Hope d You're our only hope d Esperanza" " d You're our only... d (SCREAMING)" " OK, fine, I get it!" "Attention, all fairy-tale things!" "Your welcome is officially worn out!" "I'm gonna go see this Farquaad guy right now, and get you all off my land and back where you came from!" "(CHEERING) d Time to say goodbye Time to say farewell d Time for you to fly It's been really swell!" "d Gosh, I'm gonna cry Time to say goodbye" "I'll be right back." " d Time to say vamoose." " Don't get comfortable!" " d Ogre on the loose" " And don't touch my... (GLASS SHATTERING) d Time to say goodbye d" "Don't die!" "(SIGHS)" "(AUDIENCE CHEERS, APPLAUDS)" "(MUTTERING) It's my swamp." "I'm going to your house and breaking..." " Whoa!" " (ANGRY SHOUTING)" "GUARD:" "Somebody stop that donkey!" "(SHOUTING CONTINUES)" "Whoa!" "Whoa!" "Whoa!" " Hey, how you doin'?" " GUARD:" "I hear him over here!" "Help a donkey out, would you?" " (SHOUTING)" " Oh, no!" "(GUARDS SHRIEKING)" " It's hideous!" " Oh, that's not very nice." "It's just a donkey." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)" " Step aside, ogre, and let us at him." " Why?" "What did he do?" "I don't wanna die!" "I don't wanna die!" "He's a talking donkey." "A freak of nature." "As are you, you unsavory beast." "Hey, now, you're going the right way for a smacked bottom, you are." "Mm..." "By the order of Lord Farquaad," "I am authorized to place you both under arrest!" "(CHUCKLES)" "Under arrest, eh?" "(ROARING LOUDLY)" "(GUARDS SHRIEKING)" "I want to go home right now!" "(SHRIEKS)" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)" "This is the part where you run away." "(SHRIEKING)" "And don't come back!" "(GRUMBLES)" "Can I just say?" "That was incredible." "Man, they were trippin' over themselves to get away from you." " I like that." " Oh, good, I'm glad." "Now, why don't you go celebrate your narrow escape with your friends." " But I don't have any friends." " Now there's a shocker." "(CHUCKLES) Say, you lost or something?" "No, I'm just trying to figure out the best route to Duloc." "Oh." "Duloc?" "(SCOFFS, BEATBOXES)" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)" "I know Duloc." "You gotta let me show you the way, because I am like a GPS with fur!" " I'll be fine on my own, thanks." " But nobody's fine on their own!" "Not when you look like we do!" "Hey!" "Didn't you hear what they said?" "Man, this place is goin' Stepford!" "We gotta join forces!" "Otherwise they'll lock me up, and I cannot go back in a cage!" "I don't know if I mentioned this or not, but I did six years in solitary for impersonating a pinata." "(ROARING LOUDLY)" "Oh!" "That was really scary." "And if that don't work, if you don't mind my saying, your breath will certainly get the job done." "Listen, little donkey, take a look at me." "What am I?" " Really green?" " No!" "I'm an ogre!" "You know, grab your torch and pitchforks!" " Doesn't that bother you?" " Nope." " Really?" " Really, really." " Oh." " Damn, I like you." "What's your name?" " Shrek." " (LAUGHS) Shrek?" "Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?" "You got that whole, "I don't care what anybody thinks of me" thing." "I like that." "I respect that, Shrek." " You all right." " (DRAMATIC MELODY PLAYS) d Hey, hey, hey You gotta let me go with you d You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak" "d Well, maybe you do But that's why we gotta stick together d No, no, no Don't speak, don't speak, don't speak d Just hear me out I might surprise you d I'll be a friend when others despise you" "d Don't roll your eyes!" "Stop with the moping'!" "d You need a pal My calendar's open" "I I'll bring you soup when you feel congested d I'll bail you out when you get arrested d I got your back when things get scary" "I And I'll shave it when it gets hairy d Don't let me go d Don't let me go Don't let me go d Oh, oh, oh d You need me You need me" "I I'll treat you right and never act shoddy d If you kill a man I'll hide the body d What do you say?" "You're not responding" "(SILENCE) d I think we're bonding!" "d Don't let me go Don't let me go d Don't let me go d Oh, oh, oh d You need me d You and me, we belong together d Like butter and grits Like Kibbles 'n Bits" "d Like yin and yang Sturm and Drang d Like Eng and Chang Attached at the hip d But not an old lady hip that might break d I'm gonna be on you like a fat kid on cake" "Num, num, num... d Like Cupid and Psyche Like Pop Rocks and Mikey d We'll stick together like that Velcro stuff d I'm the fuzzy side You'll be the spiky" "Ooh!" "d Like little kids and pajamas with those funny things at the bottom d You know, fee-ties d Like donuts and what goes with donuts?" "d Donuts and diabetes d Don't let me go Don't let me go" "d Hold me!" "Hug me!" "Take me!" "Please!" "d Na-na-na-na-na d Please don't let me go d I need you, I need you, I need you d I need you, I need you, I need you I need you, I need you, I need you" "d Don't let me d Go!" "Go!" "Go!" "d Don't let me g-g-g-g-g-go!" "d" "(AUDIENCE CHEERING)" "OK, look, only because I'm lost, you can come." " (DONKEY LAUGHS)" " Uh-uh..." "On one condition!" "You keep the jabbering to a minimum." "You got it!" "No jabbering!" "Man, you will not regret this." " Too late." " Now, that's what I'm talking about!" "Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends off on a whirlwind big city adventure!" "(SHREK MUTTERS)" "(SOMBER MARCHING MELODY PLAYS)" "d Farquaad is on his way" "(BRIGHT, CHEERY MELODY PLAYS)" "(MARCHING TEMPO RESUMES) d He's on his way" "d He is nearly here d He's down the hall, getting close d He is just outside" "d Behind the door d He is on... d ...his... d ...way" "(TRUMPETS PLAYING FANFARE) d Here... he... is" "d Right... here d" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)" "(DOOR CREAKING LOUDLY)" " (DRUM ROLLING) - (THUDDING FOOTSTEPS)" "(LIGHT BUZZES)" "(AUDIENCE CHEERING)" "Thelonius, I'm ready." "Bring in the cookie!" "(LAUGHS)" "GINGY:" "Oh, gosh." "Uh-oh." "What's happening now?" "Oh!" "This is scary." "Oh, no!" "(SCREAMS)" "No!" "It's you!" ""Run, run, run as fast as you can, you can't catch me, I'm the Gingerbread Man!"" "Look what you've done to my legs!" "You are a monster!" "I'm not the monster here, you are." "You and the rest of that fairy-tale trash poisoning my perfect world." "I know I haven't gotten them all, so tell me, where are the others?" "Eat me!" "(SPITS)" "No, no, no, no." "I've tried to be fair to you creatures, now my patience has reached its end." " Tell me or I'll..." " No!" "Not the buttons!" "Not my gumdrop buttons!" "All right then, who is hiding them?" "(SOBBING) OK, I'll tell you." "Do you know the Muffin Man?" " The Muffin Man?" " The Muffin Man." "Yes, I know the Muffin Man who lives on Drury Lane?" "Well, she's married to the Muffin Man." " The Muffin Man?" " (SCREAMING) The Muffin Man!" "She's married to the Muffin Man." "My Lord, we have scoured the land tirelessly and have finally found the one treasure you most seek!" "(GASPING)" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "A pretty pony?" "No, it's the Magic Mirror, sire." "Then what are you waiting for?" "Bring it in!" "And take that cookie to the swamp!" "The swamp is no place for a baked good!" "You're horrible!" "Horrible!" "(CHAIN CLANKING)" "(ETHEREAL MUSIC PLAYS)" " Boo!" " (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)" "Mirror, mirror, on the wall, is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?" "Ah, yes, Duloc is a wondrous land, but there's one thing you forgot." "You are not a king, My Liege, and so a kingdom this is not." "(INHALES) Uh, Thelonius." " (SHATTERS)" " You were saying?" "What I mean is, you're not a king yet, but you can become one." "All you have to do is marry a princess." " Go on." " So just sit back and relax, My Lord, because it's time for you to play." "Duloc's fastest growing date show sensation," "This is Your Wife!" " (FANFARE PLAYS)" " Yay!" "MAGIC MIRROR:" "Now let's meet today's eligible bachelorettes!" "Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away." "She likes sushi and hot-tubbing anytime!" "Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil step-sisters!" " Please welcome Cinderella!" " I love the broom." "Yeah." "MAGIC MIRROR:" "Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy." "She may live with seven other men, but she's not easy!" "Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is!" " Come on, give it up for Snow White!" " She's in Tupperware." "MAG/C MIRROR:" "Bachelorette number three lives in a dragon-guarded castle, surrounded by hot boiling lava!" " But don't let that cool you off." " (FARQUAAD LAUGHS)" "She likes pina coladas and getting caught in the rain." "Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona!" "(BELL DINGS)" "So will it be bachelorette number one..." " I don't know!" "...bachelorette number two," " or bachelorette number three?" " They're all so nice." "I don't know." "Boys, what do you say?" "One, two, three, one, three, one?" "One, three, two, three..." "There's no four." "All right, all right." "Bachelorette number three!" "Hm?" "MAGIC MIRROR:" "Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona!" "(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING, CHEERING)" "(LAUGHS)" "(SIGHS)" "Princess Fiona." "She's perfect." "Except for that dragon and lava thing." "I'll have to find someone else to go." "You know, I should probably mention this little thing about the princess" " that happens at night." " I will make Fiona my queen, and Duloc will finally have the perfect king!" " Yes, but after sunset..." " Silence, silence." "Captain, round up your men, summon the citizens!" "Thelonius, tell the royal coiffeur I'll need my hair pressed!" "We're going to get a queen!" "(LAUGHS)" "But-But..." "But you didn't even look at my special features!" "Check this out." "I've got extras!" "Fiona's Portrait Gallery, The Story of the Curse, Deleted Scenes." "Wanna know more?" "Just click on "Backstory"" "and you'll get to see the princess when she was seven years old." "(ECHOING) Seven years old, seven years old..." "Settle in, girls, it's story time." "(HARP PLAYS BRIGHT MELODY) d "There's a princess in a tower"" "d Oh, my gosh, that's just like me" ""d " Poor Rapunzel, needs a haircut d But the witch won't set her free" ""d She passes time by singing" Like someone else I know d "As years go by she sits and waits" As years go by?" "Uh-oh d "A torturous existence" I don't remember this pan' d "She wishes she were dead" Skip ahead, skip ahead d "But in the end Rapunzel finds a millionaire d The prince is good at climbing" ""d And braiding golden hair"" "d So I know he'll appear d 'Cause there are rules and there are strictures d I believe the storybooks I read by candlelight d My white knight and his steed d Will look just like these pictures d It won't be long now, I guarantee" "d Day number 23 d I know it's today" "Here's a good one, it's a classic." "d "There's a princess in a coma"" "d Glad it's her instead of me d "Pretty maiden in a glass box"" "d How, I wonder, does she pee?" "d Blah, blah, blah, "poison apple" Boring, boring "evil queen"" "d Filler, filler, been there, read that!" "Seven shorties on the scene d Skip ahead, skip ahead d "But in the end the princess wakes up with a start"" "d The prince is good at kissing" ""d And melting Snow White's heart"" "d So I know he'll appear d And his armor will be blinding d As shining as his perfect teeth and manly hose d He'll propose on one knee d And our pre-nup will be binding d About time we set a wedding date" "d Day number 958 d I know it's today d He'll show up today" "(AUDIENCE CHEERING) d There's a princess Any princess d Take your pick, they're all like me d Not exactly, I'm still waiting d They're out living happily d "Ever after" better get here I want love in seconds flat" "d No one needs these middle bits Whoops, did I do that?" "d Cut the villains, cut the vamping Cut this fairy tale d Cut the peril and the pitfalls Cut the puppet and the whale d Cut the monsters, cut the curses Keep the intro, cut the verses d And the waiting, the waiting the waiting, the waiting" "d The waiting!" "d But I know he'll appear d Though I seem a bit bipolar d And I'm a vandal now as well Hope he won't mind d I'm a find, I'm a catch d And a very gifted bowler" "d It won't be long now, I guarantee d Day number... d Are you there, God?" "d It's me Fiona d Now I know he'll appear d 'Cause there are rules and there are strictures d I believe the storybooks I read d By candlelight d My white knight My knight and his steed" "d Will look just like these pictures d It won't be long now, I guarantee" " d Day number 23..." " d Day number 958... d Day number 8,400 d And 23" " d I know it's today." " d I know..." " d I know it's today." " d It's today" " d I know it's today." " d I know it's today d I know it's today d" "(AUDIENCE CHEERING)" "(DONKEY, SHREK CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)" "OK, OK, OK." "The rules are very simple." "Whoever spots a horse and cart along the road..." " Punch buggy!" "(GRUNTS)" " Ow!" "(LAUGHS)" "(SIGHS) Fun, right?" "No!" "What kind of insane game is that?" " Haven't you ever been on a road trip?" " No." "Man, you need to get out more, because..." "Punch buggy!" " Ow!" " (LAUGHS)" "I got you." "I got you with that wagon full of hay over there." "Donkey, if you do that one more time..." "See, that's another reason why you need me around." "Who else is gonna fill you in on all the fun stuff you missed out on?" "You may not know it, but you are one lucky ogre..." " Punch buggy!" "(LAUGHS)" " Ow!" " Mutton cart at three o'clock." " Mother Hubbard, that hurt!" "You know, you're right, that was pretty fun." "Shall we play again?" "No, that's OK, you win." "Maybe we should move on to I Spy, or I Went on a Picnic, or something that's not gonna put me in a body cast." "Donkey, look!" " Lord Farquaad's castle." " Didn't I tell you I'd find it?" "It's a bit much, isn't it?" "Do you think he might be compensating for something?" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)" "Oh, forget it." "Welcome to the Celebrate Duloc Festival!" "The show's about to begin!" " Hey!" "Hey, you!" " Ogre!" "Now, look, I'm not gonna eat you!" "I just want to ask..." " (CRACKS)" " Ooh..." "Oh, my God!" "(SOBBING) Why?" "Why?" "This place is weird." "Let's just find this Farquaad guy and get out of here." "I wanna stop by the gift shop and get a T-shirt." "SHREK:" "We're not stopping for T-shirts!" "(CHEERY MELODY PLAYS) d Welcome to Duloc Such a perfect town d Here we have some rules Let us lay them down d Don't make waves, stay in line And we'll get along fine d Duloc is a perfect place" "d Please keep off of the grass Shine your shoes, wipe your... face d Duloc is, Duloc is d Duloc is a perfect place d" " And here's the man who made it happen!" " (DRUM ROLLING)" "That towering colossus of moxie!" "Lord Farquaad!" "Oh, it's you!" "What a terrific surprise." "(JAZZY MELODY PLAYS) d Once upon a time this place was infested d Freaks on every corner I had them all arrested d Hey nonny-nonny-nonny-no d If you had a quirk you didn't pass inspection d We all have our standards But I will have perfection" "d And so And so" "d Things are looking up here in Duloc d Just take a look d The things I'm cooking up here in Duloc d He likes to cook d A model that amazes d A plan with seven phases d Bum-bum-bum-bum-bum" "d Things are looking up here in Duloc" " d They're looking up." " d In Duloc!" "d The ladies all look swell The men are so dashing d Thanks to my new dress code d The fashion's never clashing d Hey nonny-nonny-nonny-no" " d This castle I had built." " d Farquaad, Farquaad, Farquaad" " d ls taller than the cliff tops." " d Farquaad, Farquaad, Farquaad" " d A city like a postcard." " d Farquaad, Farquaad, Farquaad d A monorail and gift shops" " d And so - d And so d And so d No one from the gutter in Duloc d He's takin' aim d Embrace the cookie cutter in Duloc d We're all the same d The upshot is enormous when you can shout..." " "Conform us!" - d Yes, things d Are looking up" "d Here in Duloc" "Hey, let's hear it for those Duloc dancers!" "Aren't they terrific, huh?" "(AUDIENCE CHEERING)" "Ha!" "(LAUGHS)" "POW!" "(ROARS PLAYFULLY)" "Come on!" "Ha!" "Ooh!" "Ooh!" "Oh!" "Boys!" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) d There's no sign of slowing We're growing!" "We're growing!" "d Look, he's growing!" "d And growing!" "And growing!" "d Look at him grow" "Just look at me grow!" "d Things are looking up here d We practiced this pan' both forward and back d We make one mistake and we get the rack d Things I'm cooking up here d He taught us to dance with razzamatazz d He's trained in ballet, flamenco and jazz" "d My hard work and my rigor d Have made me so much bigger" "d Things are looking up d Things are looking up here in Duloc!" " d Ahh." " d Here in Duloc d Ahh d Up, up, up, up, up!" "d" "(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)" "(CHEERING, WHISTLING)" "(CHEERING, APPLAUDING CONTINUING)" "(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE FADES)" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)" "(CHEERING AND APPLAUDING)" "(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE FADES)" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)" "(TRUMPETS PLAY FANFARE)" "And now, good people of Duloc, the moment you've all been waiting for." "The raffle drawing to determine who will have the honor of setting forth to rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon!" " Spin that barrel!" " Excuse me." "(ALL SCREAMING)" " No, come on!" " Don't leave me!" " No, no..." " (SCREECHING) No, no, no, no!" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)" " Hey, are you Lord Farquaad?" " Ah!" "Maybe." "Does the name strike fear in your heart?" "No, but that little hat does." "Who let this thing in here?" "Look, I'll be out of your silky hair as soon as you give me my swamp back." " Your swamp?" " Yes, where you dumped" " those fairy-tale creatures." " News flash, ogre, that oozing mud pit is actually within the province of Duloc, therefore under my jurisdiction." " Now look here, half-pint!" " Wait a minute." "Wait a minute." " Oh, this is too perfect." " What is?" "You!" "You're big and hulking and wonderfully expendable." "People of Duloc, we have a winner!" "(CROWD ROARS, QUIETS)" "Congratulations, ogre." "You've won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest!" " But we're already on a quest." " To get my swamp back!" "Yes, and you've nearly accomplished it!" "All you need to do is one more simple little task, and I'll hand over the deed to your swamp." "And what exactly is this little task?" "There's just this package that I need picked up." "Miss Duloc, fill them in and show them out!" "(JAZZY MELODY PLAYS) d My people, your queen is on her way d Things are looking up d Things are looking up d Things are looking up here in Duloc" "d Here in Duloc d And no one's gonna bring d Me down d" "(HIGH-PITCHED VOCALIZING)" "(AUDIENCE CHEERING)" "Little task, my hoof!" "Rescue a princess?" "Fight a dragon?" "Man, we got jacked!" "We?" "I don't remember inviting a donkey on this leg of the journey." "I don't get it, Shrek." "Why didn't you just make him give you your swamp back?" "Ooh!" "Pull some of that ogre stuff on him." "You know, throttle him, lay siege to his fortress." " The whole ogre trip." " For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think." " Hm." "Example?" " Example." "OK." "Ogres are like onions." " They stink?" " Yes." "No!" " Uh, they make you cry?" " No!" "You leave them out in the sun, they get all brown and start sprouting little white hairs." "No!" "Layers." "Onions have layers." "Ogres have layers." "Onions have layers." "You get it?" "We both have layers!" "Oh..." "You both got layers." "But you know, not everybody likes onions." "Parfaits!" "Everybody likes parfaits, and they have layers!" "Have you ever met a person that said, "Hey, let's get some parfaits,"" "and they be like, "Hell no, I don't like no parfaits!"" " Parfaits are delicious." " I don't care!" "Ogres are not like parfaits!" "Parfaits might be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet." "This may turn into the longest day of my entire life." " I got the perfect remedy for that!" " Oh, no, I'm not interested." " (UKULELE PLAYS JAUNTY MELODY) - d Sing a song, yes, a travel song d When you gotta go somewhere d 'Cause the fun is getting there, yeah d What the heck I must confess I love a road trip" "d Sing a song, hit the trail d Forget the maps, forget the guides d Before you know it you've made strides with me" "d And I know all I need all along is a path and a pal and a song d So I'm singin' and I'm pallin' with you" "(LAUGHS) See?" "Makes the time go by faster!" " d Why me?" "Why me?" " This is nice." " d Tell me what was my crime?" " We are strolling." "d As chatty as a parrot More annoying than a mime" "Hey look, a cat who's wearing boots!" "That's crazy!" "d Why me?" "Why me?" " d A simple answer would be fine." " This is good cardio." "d Won't someone please send me a sign?" "DONKEY:" "Look, a sign!" "Yunita Pal Avenue straight ahead!" "d What did I do to deserve this, honestly?" "d This ass of mine is asinine Why me?" " You see the little bunny?" " Aye, he looks delicious." "(RABBIT SCREAMING) An ogre!" " (LAUGHS)" " What's so funny?" "I just got the "He might be compensating for something" joke." "(COW MOOING)" " Why do you have to tell me stories?" " We started fighting." "I was watching my stories... (POLICE SIREN WAILING) d As I lay in the jungle!" "d There's a green man and a donkey!" "Oh, man, what could be better than this?" " d Why me?" " d Sing a song!" " d Why me?" " d Hit the road!" " d A simple answer would be fine." " d It's the way to get around d Won't someone please send me a sign?" "d Before you know it you've gained ground with me!" " d What did I do to deserve this?" " d And I know all I need all along d ls a path and a pal and a song" " d This ass of mine is asinine." " d So I'm singin' and pallin'" "Finally!" "The bridge to the dragon's keep." "Let's go." "Um, Shrek, remember when you said ogres have layers?" "Oh, aye." "Well, I got a little confession to make." "Donkeys don't have layers." "We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves." "You can't tell me you're afraid of heights." "Uh, no, I'm just a bit uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling lake of lava!" " (STEAM HISSING) - (DONKEY WHIMPERING)" "Whoo!" "Wow!" "That is so interesting." "Because I happen to have the perfect remedy for that." "Oh!" "You do?" "What are you doing?" "d Sing a song Yes, a travel song d That's what you've done all day" " Not funny, Shrek!" " (SHREK CHUCKLES) d Before you know it you're halfway with me d Ignore the fire and the peril and the lava" "Whoa!" " d And I know all I need all along." " Let me off!" "Let me off!" " d ls a path and a pal and a song." " Stop it!" " d So I'm singin'" " Oh, no!" " d And I'm pallin' with you." " This is so wrong!" "All right, fine!" "(SOBBING)" " d Why me?" "Why me?" " There you go." " d Why God, oh, why?" " Just don't look down." "d I'm too old to wet myself and much too young to die" " (WOOD CRACKS)" " Oh!" " I'm looking down!" "I'm looking down!" " Donkey..." " This is it!" "This is where I bite it!" " Donkey..." "Say goodbye, Shrek, I'm goin' to heaven!" " Donkey!" "Just let go, I'll pull you up!" " Are you crazy?" "I've got your hoof, I'm not gonna drop you!" "Whoa!" "Shrek!" "d What did I do to deserve you My pal evermore?" "d We crossed a bridge together d What a beautiful metaphor" " d Why me?" "Why me?" " d I'm singin' and I'm pallin'" " d Why me?" " d And I'm travelin'" " d With you d - d With you d" "That'll do, Donkey." "That'll do." "(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)" " Thanks, Shrek." " Let go." "No hugging." "(SNIFFING)" "Oh, Shrek!" "Was that you?" "Man!" "You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off!" "My mouth was open and everything!" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)" "Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead." " It's brimstone." " Yeah, right, brimstone." "Don't be talkin' it's the brimstone, I know what I smell, it wasn't no brimstone, it didn't come from no stone neither." "Oh, hey, look!" "Oh!" "This'll come in handy." "Hope it's fireproof." "All right, now you wait here." "I'll be back in a bit." "Wait here?" "You mean by myself?" "Unless you'd rather come slay the dragon and rescue the princess?" "Uh..." "No, I'm good." "Waiting is fine." "I'll just sit here and twiddle my hooves." "Just don't get into any trouble." "What kind of trouble can I get into?" "I'm just sittin' and waitin'. (SCOFFS)" " Have a little faith." " (LOUD CRASHING)" "Uh..." "Shrek?" "Shrek!" "Shrek, is that you?" " (LOW ROARING)" " Oh!" "Dragon!" "FEMALE VOICES:" "Well, hello, gorgeous!" " Is it dinnertime already?" " Ooh!" "I better get my recipe box." " Recipe box?" " What's your name, pumpkin?" "Oh!" "Mommy!" "Oh, what a coincidence, that was his name, too." "And his and his and his and his." " (ROCK MUSIC PLAYS) - d You didn't knock d When you entered, baby" " d You didn't wipe your feet." " Oh!" "Geez." "d I didn't see I did not see no "open house" sign" " d Is this a Trick or Treat?" " A little help here!" "d You need to brush up on fairy tales, friend" " d 'Cause dragons like their sleep." " Go on and grab some shut-eye!" "d I wrote the book on fire-breathing Why don't you read it and weep?" "Actually, I'm already in a book club." "We're reading Angela's Ashes." "d I'm gonna shake you I'm gonna bake you d I'm gonna make you a donkey pot pie" " What?" " d Salisbury steak you d I'll Frosted Flake you d I'll patty-cake you, my donkey pot pie" "d Yeah!" "Wait a minute!" "(UKULELE PLAYS LIGHTHEARTED MELODY) d My, what big teeth you have d They're so sparkling white d I bet you hear this from all of your food d But you must bleach at night d Is that a hint of minty freshness?" "d Oh, lam scared to death d I like a girl with a dazzling' smile d And Tic Tao on her breath d Oh, whoa, whoa d Don't kill me Lady with the pretty teeth" "(WHIMPERS)" "(ROCK BEAT PLAYS) d I'm gonna love you d And take hold of you d I'll velvet glove you" "Velvet glove me?" "I My donkey pot pie." "I I'm gonna keep you Little Little Bo Peep you d I'm gonna sweep you d Up into the sky d I'm gonna squeeze you d I'm gonna tease you I'm gonna please you d I'm gonna have me a big ol' honkin' sloppy, gloppy" "d Cherry on the toppy piece of donkey pot pie d Na-na-na-na-na d Donkey!" "Donkey!" " d Donkey pot." " Oh, no!" "d Pie-d" " (AUDIENCE CHEERING)" " Whoa!" "Whoo!" "(JAZZY, UP-TEMPO MELODY PLAYING)" "Whoa!" "Oh!" "Whoa!" "(WHIMPERS)" "(AUDIENCE CHEERING)" "(TAMBOURINE JINGLING RHYTHMICALLY) d I know it's today Ooh d I know it's today..." "SHREK:" "Hello!" "Anyone up here?" "(SHREK GRUNTING)" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)" "SHREK:" "Shouldn't you toss down some hair or something?" "Man!" "(SHREK GRUNTING, MOANING)" "Man!" "Oh, I should've worn my cup." "(GRUNTING)" "(SIGHS)" "Oh, great, I got one of the snoozers." " Wake up!" " (FIONA GRUNTING)" " Are you Princess Fiona?" " I am." "Awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me." "Oh..." "Uh..." "That's nice." "Now let's go." "But wait, Sir Knight!" "I have long awaited this day!" "And I wouldest first like to knowest the name of my champion." " Um..." "Shrek." " Sir Shrek!" "I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude." "Oh, yeah..." "Oh..." " Thanks." "So where's the door?" " There is no door." "(LAUGHS) What do you mean there's no door?" "How do we get down?" "Why, the same way you got up." "The same way I..." "Oh, come on!" " I just..." "All right, let's go." " Now holdest on, Sir Knight." "Don't you want to savor this moment?" "It be-eth our first meeting." "It must be a wonderful and romantic scene." "(FANCIFUL MELODY PLAYS)" "Geez, I'm like a crackpot magnet." "d This is how a dream comes true d This is how I pictured you Climbing in to rescue me d This was always meant to be" "That's lovely." "Now hop on." "d This is how the scene must go d You standing... there The light just so d Then you smile and gaze at me Take my hand on bended knee d Bended knee Bended knee!" " Oh!" " Ooh!" "Sorry." "d And though we've only met Somehow I always knew d It would look like this when dreams come true" "(DONKEY SHOUTING)" " Hey!" "What are you doing?" " Well, I have to save my ass." "Easy, I'm in heels." "d Brave Sir Knight, slow down a bit Shut-in girls are delicate d I've longed for this my whole life long, now you're doing it all wrong d "Down a rope a steed awaits" That's what every story states" "d Riding over rough terrain Past the dragon you have slain d You have slain" "You have slain?" " It's on my to-do list." " What?" "(CHOIR VOCALIZING MENACING MELODY)" "Donkey, over here!" " DONKEY:" "You found the princess!" " He talks!" "Yeah, but the real trick is getting him to shut up!" "Oh... (ROARING)" "Oh!" "d Are you there, God?" "It's me, Fiona" "Less praying!" "More running!" " d Tra-la-la-la-la" " This way instead!" " d Tra-Ia-la-Ia-la" " Door ahead!" "d In the end remember all your dreams come true" "(SCREAMING) d Say your affirmations and love will come to you d If you can conceive it believe it, achieve it" "(CHOIR VOCALIZING MENACING MELODY) d Mad dragon, yay Skeletons, hooray!" "d Pretending I'm not here Nothing more to fear d Pink ponies, happy sky Pink ponies, happy sky" "(THUNDER CRASHES)" "Whoa!" "d Pink ponies, happy sky Pink ponies, happy sky" "Oh, my God!" "We're gonna die!" "(CHOIR VOCALIZING MENACING MELODY)" "(DRAGON ROARING)" " d This is how (pictured it." " Oh, boy... d More or less, I must admit d A thumping in my heart d A life about to start d I knew this day would come and you would find your way d At last my dream comes true" "d I knew, I knew, I knew d It would be today!" "d" "(AUDIENCE CHEERING)" " (SHREK MUTTERS)" " Ow, ow, ow!" "Oh!" "You did it!" "You're amazing, you're wonderful!" "You're a little unorthodox, I'll admit, but thy deed is great, and thine heart is pure." " I am eternally in your debt." " Uh... (CLEARS THROAT)" "And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?" "All right!" "Hope you heard that." "She called me a "noble steed!"" "She think I'm a steed." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)" "Well, Sir Shrek, the battle is won." "You may remove your helmet." " Uh... no." " Why not?" "I..." "I have helmet hair." "Please, I wouldest look upon the face of my rescuer." "Oh, no, you wouldn't-est." "But how will you kiss me?" "What?" "That wasn't in the job description." "Maybe it's a perk." "No, it's destiny. "A princess is rescued by a brave knight"" "and then they share true love's first kiss."" "With Shrek?" "Oh!" "You think that Shrek is your true love?" " Wah-wah!" " (SHREK AND DONKEY LAUGH)" " DONKEY:" "Oh, no." " What's so funny?" "(LAUGHING) Well, let's just say I'm not your type, OK?" "Of course you are." "You're my rescuer!" "Now remove your helmet." "Look, I really don't think that's a good idea." " Just take off the helmet." " I'm not going to." " Take it off!" " No!" " Now!" " OK!" "Whoa." "Easy." "As you command, Your Highness." "You're an ogre." "Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming?" "Well, yes, actually." "Oh, no." "I'm supposed to be rescued by my true love." " Not by some ogre and his pet." " DONKEY:" "Oh..." " Well, so much for "noble steed." - You're not supposed to be an ogre." "Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, OK?" "He's the one who wants to marry you." "Then why didn't he come and rescue me?" "Good question." "You should ask him that when we get there tomorrow." "Tomorrow?" " Oh, my gosh, it's almost sunset!" " So?" "Oh, uh..." "I didn't realize it was so late." "We need to make camp." "Camp?" "But you've just escaped!" "Yes, and I found the whole ordeal quite exhausting." "I need to rest immediately." "That's unfortunate, because we're gonna keep going." "(YELLING) I need to find somewhere to camp right now!" "Very well." "There's a cave right there." " That is no place for a princess." " No, it's perfect." "Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night!" "You want me to read you a bedtime story?" "'Cause I will." "I said good night!" "She seems nice." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)" ""FIONA'S VOICE: " By day one way, by night another, this shall be the norm, until you find true love's first kiss" ""and then take love's true form."" "DONKEY:" "And this is what I realized, if we escaped a dragon, man, we could do anything." "Hey, I could be a steed." "Ooh!" "Or I could work the Crusades circuit if I wanted to." "I could even be one of those horses that pulls those wagons full of beer!" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)" "I'd have to get some hair extensions on my ankles, but I could do it." " Who do you wanna be?" " I don't want to be anyone." "Just for fun, though, who would you pick?" " I wouldn't." "Donkey..." " No, but if you had to." "Like, if a guy had a sword at your throat and he was like," ""Look here, you can't be an ogre anymore, pick something else,"" "then who would you pick?" "I would pick that guy up and hurl him into a tree!" "Man, you are no fun at all, you know it?" "Is this what it's gonna be like when we finish rescuing the princess?" "Us sitting around our swamp all day doing nothing?" "Our swamp?" "Donkey, there is no "our." There's no "we."" "There's just me and my swamp." "And when I do get back, the first thing I'm going to do is build a ten-foot wall around my land." "You cut me deep, Shrek." "You cut me real deep just now." "What's your problem anyway?" "What you got against the whole world?" "I'm not the one with the problem, OK?" "It's the world who seems to have a problem with me." "You saw how that princess reacted." "That's how it always is." "People take one look at me and it's all, "Help!" "A big, stupid, ugly ogre!"" "(MOCKING WHIMPER)" "They judge me before they even know me." "That's why I'm better off alone." " But you know what, Shrek?" " (GROANS)" "When we met," "I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly ogre." "Yeah, I know." "So there's really no one else you'd rather be?" "(WISTFUL MELODY PLAYING)" "(SIGHS)" "(SIGHS, CHUCKLES)" "d I guess I'd be a hero d With sword and armor clashing d Looking semi-dashing d A shield within my grip" "d Or else I'd be a Viking d And live a life of daring d While smelling like a herring d Upon a Viking ship d I'd sail away, I'd see the world d I'd reach the farthest reaches" "d I'd feel the wind I'd taste the salt and sea d And maybe storm some beaches" "d That's who I'd be d Or I could be a poet d And write a different story d One that tells of glory and wipes away the lies d Into the skies I'd throw it d The stars would do the telling" "d The moon would help with spelling d And night would dot the I's d I'd write a verse, recite a joke with wit and perfect timing d I'd share my heart Confess the things I yearn" "d And do it all while rhyming d But we all learn But we all learn d An ogre always hides d An ogre's fate is known d An ogre always stays in the dark d And all alone" "d So, yes, I'd be a hero d And if my wish were granted Life would be enchanted d Or so the stories say d Of course I'd be a hero d And I would scale a tower to save a hothouse flower" "d And carry her away d But standing guard would be a beast d I'd somehow overwhelm it d I'd get the girl, I'd take a breath d And I'd remove my helmet" "d We'd stand and stare We'd speak of love d We'd feel the stars ascending d We'd share a kiss I'd find my destiny d I'd have a hero's ending d A perfect happy ending" "d That's how it would be d A big, bright, beautiful world" "d But not for me" "FIONA: d An ogre always hides d An ogre's fate is known" " d An ogre always stays in the dark." " d An ogre always stays in the dark d You're all alone" " d All alone." " d All alone" " d And I know he'll appear." " d So, yes, I'd be a hero d And if my wish were granted d Life would be enchanted d Or so the stories say d I believe the storybooks I read d By candlelight d And carry her away" "d A perfect happy ending d That's how d It should be d" "(AUDIENCE CHEERING)" "(BIRDS TWITTERING)" "(PASTORAL MELODY PLAYING)" "(AUDIENCE CHEERS, APPLAUDS)" "(SPRIGHTLY MELODY PLAYING) d Good morning, birds Good morning, trees d Oh, what a lovely day d The sun's so big It hurts my eyes d But really, that's OK d A brand-new day with things to do" "d So many plans to make d I've had six cups of coffee d So I'm really wide awake d I've always been a morning person d A morning girl d Hooray!" "(MIMICS MELODY) d Cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep d Cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep d Hooray!" "(HIGHER PITCH) d Cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep d Cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep" "(HIGHER PITCH) d Hooray!" "(HIGHER PITCH) d Cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep d Cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep" "(HIGHER PITCH, OFF-KEY) d Hooray!" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) d Good morning, deer" "I Say, have you heard Today's my wedding day d I haven't met my husband yet d But I'm hopeful anyway d I'll wear a gown We'll have a ball d And dance forevermore d He'll take me in his massive arms" "d And spin me round the floor d I've always been a morning person A morning girl" "(DEER BELLOWING) d Hooray!" "d" "(FLUTTERING MELODY)" "(GROANING, PANTING)" " Why, good morning, Pied Piper. - Ah!" "What's so good about it, huh?" "I can't get these rats to follow me!" "I think you may need to change your tune, mister." " Hey!" "Look here, lady, that's my..." " (PLAYING JAZZY MELODY)" "Ah... (ORCHESTRA JOINS IN JAZZY MELODY)" "(AUDIENCE CHEERING)" "(AUDIENCE WHOOPS)" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)" "d A brand-new start A palette cleanse d As fresh as lime sorbet d Last night I was a monster d But this morning" "d This morning d This morning I'm OK" "(AUDIENCE CHEERS)" "Oh... (CHUCKLES)" "Why, good morning, men." "Mornin'." "Uh, Princess, did you by any chance eat a few of those funny little mushrooms by the stream?" "Of course not." "I'm just happy that it's a new day, full of promise and fresh starts." "And the first thing I would like to do is to apologize for my behavior yesterday." "We obviously got off on the wrong foot, and I would like to make it up to you." " You would?" " Yes." "You did rescue me, after all." "So I've gathered a basket of berries for the trip, and I made you each..." "(CHUCKLES) a daisy chain!" "Oh, wow!" "Look at these!" "They're beautiful, Princess!" " Aren't they beautiful, Shrek?" " Oh..." "Oh..." "Oh!" "You'll grow to love them, I promise." "Lead the way!" "So, uh... (MUTTERING)" "So, Princess, do you often frolic with rats?" "And what if I do?" "Oh, I don't know, Princess, germ-infested vermin, not exactly what I expected." "Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them." "Ouch!" "So, tell me about my groom-to-be, Lord Farquaad." "What's he like?" "Well, um, let me put it this way, Princess, men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply." "(DONKEY CHUCKLES)" " Really?" " Yeah, but he is a little intimidating." " Well, he must be!" " And yet very good at small talk." "(GASPING LAUGHTER)" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)" "What are you guys doing?" "(LAUGHING) What?" "Just saying you might want to lower your expectations a bit." "(LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY)" "Yes, like three feet or so." "All right, all right, yuck it up." "It doesn't bother me." "Not today." "After a lifetime of misery, things are finally going my way." "(LAUGHS) Oh..." "A lifetime of misery, right." "OK." "(LAUGHS)" "(SNORTS)" " You chuckled." " Huh?" "When I said "lifetime of misery," you chuckled." " Did I?" " Yes." "Look, I'm sure it was very difficult living in a dragon-guarded tower." " It was." " I'm sure." "All right, then." "Although, it must've been nice to have a roof and a cozy bed." "Which is more than I had when I left home." "You're not actually comparing yourself to what I endured?" "I'm just saying you don't corner the market on unhappy childhoods." "There are things you don't know, you know." "About me." "About how rough I had it!" "What, you run out of shampoo a couple of times?" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)" " I mean about my life!" " In that cushy tower of yours?" "Cushy?" "!" "Are you kidding?" " (VIOLINS PLAY SAD MELODY) - d I had nothing in that tower d Fighting boredom by the hour d Princess Lonely, walking circles d I had only bare essentials d Army cot, a hot plate and a chamber pot" "d And every morning I would boil it No choice, I had no toilet d Just a view of devastation out one window d Isolation in my bedroom And very little head room d Twenty years I sat and waited I'm very dedicated" "d On the walls the days were added Luckily those walls were padded d So I think I got you beat d I think I got you beat d Yeah, yeah, yeah d I think I got you beat I think I got you beat" "Oh, you think so?" "That was a sad story, but... d I've heard better, I'm just sayin' d "A" for effort Thanks for playing d Sad to see a princess suffer But I had it rougher d Like that time a mob with torches burned my britches" "d See the scorches?" "You're just whiny d I had a flaming hiney d As I fled I had to wonder If I were torn asunder d Would an ogre go to heaven?" "Did I mention I was seven?" "d So I think I got you beat I think I got you beat d Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah d I think I got you beat I think I got you beat" "(CHUCKLES) d No warm regards d No Christmas cards" " d And every day." " d Was Hell on Earth Day" "OK, top this." "d I missed my prom d My dad and mom sent me away d It was my birthday" " d I was sent away on Christmas Eve" " Oh..." "Ha-ha!" " d Bare essentials, army cot." " d No warm regards d A hot plate and a chamber pot" " d And every morning I would boil it. - d No Christmas cards d No choice, I had no toilet" " d Just a view of devastation." " d And every day" " d Out one window, isolation." " d Was Hell on Earth Day d In my bedroom And very little head room" " d Twenty years I sat and waited. - d "I missed my prom"" " d My dad and mom." " d I'm very dedicated" " d Sent me away. - d On the walls the days were added" " d Luckily those walls were padded. - d It was my birthday" " d Twenty years." " d "I missed my prom"" " d My dad and mom sent me away." " d My dad and mom sent me away" " d So..." " d So..." " d I think I got you beat." " d I think I got you beat" " d Yeah, yeah, yeah." " d Yeah, yeah, yeah" " d I think I got you beat." " d I think I got you beat" " d Yeah, yeah, yeah." " d Yeah, yeah, yeah" " d I think I got you beat." " d I think I got you beat" " d Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!" " d Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!" " (SHREK FARTS)" " Whoopsie." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)" "(HUMMING)" "Well, better out than in, I always say." "(FIONA FARTS)" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHS, APPLAUDS)" "(SHREK HUMS, BELCHES)" "(FIONA HUMS, BELCHES)" "(HUMMING, BELCHES)" "(HIGH-PITCHED HUMMING, BELCHES)" " d Na-na-na-na-na-na." " d Na-na-na-na-na-na" "(BELCHING)" "(FARTING RHYTHMICALLY)" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" " d Yeah, yeah." " d Yeah, yeah" " d Yeah, yeah." " d Yeah, yeah" " d Yeah, yeah." " d Yeah, yeah" " d Yeah, yeah d - d Yeah, yeah d" "Oh!" "(COUGHING, MOANING)" "DONKEY:" "That's stinky." "(AUDIENCE CHEERING)" "We've just gotten word, My Liege." "Princess Fiona has been rescued." "She's on her way." "(GASPS)" "(SING-SONGY) On her way!" "She's on her way, and so am I!" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "My fairy tale princess." "(GIGGLES)" "I always said I'd be king, and now look!" "The last adorable piece to my master plan!" "Oh!" "(CHUCKLES, BABBLES)" "Thank you, Thelonius." "Mm." "Pina colada!" "(SIGHS) Just think, soon they'll be writing books about me instead of those disgusting little freaks!" "Ooh!" "That reminds me." "Oh, Mirror?" "Yes, My Liege?" "How are the wedding preparations coming?" "All in order, My Lord." "We've booked the cathedral and the band." "(GIGGLES) OK." " Yah!" " Wow." "Um, although I did wonder if you wanted to maybe invite your father?" " My what?" " Your father, My Liege?" "You mean that horrible little man who tried to keep me down my whole life?" "That mal-tempered monster?" "That vile grunt who abandoned me in the woods as a child?" "Well, he did have his reasons." " Mirror, please." " (GASPS)" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)" "My father simply couldn't accept that I wanted nothing to do with the family business." " That lowly, dirty family business." " (PLODDING MELODY PLAYS) d My daddy was a miner d So he wasn't much around d Foraging for diamonds d A life spent underground d Daddy didn't talk much He barely said hello d He simply muttered "Hi-ho"" "d And off to work he'd go d Daddy was grumpy d Me and my old man A tale as old as din' d A bitter, distant father in a tiny undershirt d Daddy up and left me Left me good as dead" "d Now he lives in squalor d Sleeping seven to a bed" "(SERGIO LEONE RIFF PLAYS)" "You abandoned me in those woods, Daddy!" "Well, I crawled out, and up!" "If you could only see me now, Daddy!" "I'd invite you to the wedding, but you have to be this tall to get in!" "(CHUCKLES)" "(UP-TEMPO FANFARE PLAYS)" "d My bride to be is gorgeous Her wedding dress, designer d The guest list will be major Without a minor miner d La, la, la, la, la, la, la La, la, la, la, la, la" "d Packs of royal lackeys playing violin" " d Strings of royal underlings." " d Who will not let you in d A-ha, a-ha, a-ha" " d Tricked-out carriage." " d Tricked-out carriage" " d Twenty stallions." " d Twenty stallions" " d With a coachman named Raoul." " d With a coachman named Raoul" " d Big reception with a boy band." " d Big reception with a boy band d And a royal DJ d By the pool" "d Yes, I can see my future And so it shall be done d It's total domination With some torture just for fun d 'Cause I will have my wedding and!" "Will have a queen d Once I get that crown on you will get the guillotine d And I'll punish you, Daddy 'cause I'm all grown up d And bigger than you'll ever know d You're gonna pay, Daddy" "d It's any day, Daddy I'm off to work d Hi-ho d" "(AUDIENCE CHEERING)" "(IMITATES GUNFIRE, GIGGLES)" " (ROCK BEAT PLAYING) - (IMITATING ELECTRIC GUITAR)" "(IMITATING ELECTRIC GUITAR)" "(BOTH IMITATING ELECTRIC GUITAR)" "(IMITATING RECORD SCRATCHING)" " Hey, hey!" "(SHOUTS) - (CRASHING)" "Are you OK?" "(PANTING) Yeah, I'm fine." "Oh, God." "(CHUCKLES)" " DONKEY:" "Yoo-hoo!" "We're here." " What?" " Oh..." "Would you look at that?" " What is it?" "It's..." "It's Duloc." "Oh, Duloc." "I didn't realize we were so close." "No, me either." "Congratulations, Princess." "Your future awaits." "Yes, it does." "Oh, well, so much for that batch of s'nothers I was gonna make us." "S'nothers?" "They're traditional ogre campfire snacks." "A little bit like s'mores, but instead of marshmallow and chocolate, we use squirrel gizzards and mulch." "They just melt in your mouth!" " I need to sit down for a minute." " No, no sitting down." " We need to get the princess to Duloc." " No, wait, Shrek, I..." "Um..." "Well, look, I may not get another chance to try one of those s'nothers." "You eat one, you may not get a chance to do anything!" " Zip it, Donkey." " I was just thinking that maybe." "Duloc could wait until morning?" " Morning?" " Why not?" "I've spent my whole life without true love." "What's one more night?" " All right, I'll find us some dinner." " (CHUCKLES) I'll get the firewood." " Oh, I'm so sorry." " Oh, my gosh, I'm so..." " Did you wanna..." " I should have..." " I didn't..." " Oh, boy." "(BASS GUITAR PLAYS RHYTHM AND BLUES BEAT)" "d There's something going on around here d I've been watching and the signals are clear d A nervous laugh when she brushes his skin d The sweaty palms The big dopey grin d Hm, hm, hm" "d With a giggle and a flip of her hair d I smell the pheromones in the air d Making goo-goo eyes over their food d They need my help here in setting the mood d Oh, you don't believe love is blind?" "d Well, I got some friends who think otherwise" " d And here they are." " (FEMALES VOCALIZING) d Direct from my imagination" " d Three blind mice." " d Watch your step, girls d Three blind mice d See how they run d You gotta turn up the heat You gotta butter the pan d You got to make a move and don't be afraid d Reach for her hand Maybe give her a kiss" " d She's waiting for a move to be made." " d Waiting for a move to be made" " d You got to." " d Got to" " d Got to." " d Got to" " d Got to." " d Got to, yeah" " d You gotta make a move." " d You gotta make a move d Yeah" "Mm." "Mm!" "These s'nothers are so good." " Didn't I tell you?" " They're delicious." " And a little nutty, right?" " Mm-hm." "I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night." "Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime." "I'll cook all kinds of stuff for you." "Swamp Toad Soup, Fish Eye Tartar." "You name it." "I'd like that." "(FUNK GUITAR PLAYS WAH-WAH RIFF)" "Shrek, I know you can't hear me right now." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)" "But if you could, I'd want to say a few things to you." "I'm in your corner, buddy." "But you have got to tell this girl what you're really feeling deep down." "You may not get another chance." "So just go on now." "Just open your heart and..." " Uh, Princess?" " Here we go." " Yes, Shrek?" " He's gonna tell her." " I, uh..." " Oh, I can't take this." " Well, I was..." " Uh-huh." " I was wondering..." " OK." " I was wondering..." " Spit it out!" " Are you gonna eat that?" " Uh-uh!" "What is wrong with you?" "d You got to make a move You gotta shift into gear d You gotta buckle down and give it a whirl d The scene is set right out of a book With a sunset and a beautiful girl" " d So you got to." " d Got to" " d Got to." " d Got to" " d Got to." " d Got to, yeah" " d You got to make a move." " d You got to" " d You got to make a move now." " d Got to" " d You got to make a move." " d Got to" " d Move, yeah." " d Make a move d You got to use the sunset" " d What a beautiful sunset, baby. - d Sunset, baby d You got to use the sunset, baby d Whoa, whoa d Yeah, you got to reach for the ring You got to give it a shot" "d Grab the bull by the horns or get off the pot" "Whoo!" "d And make a move d" "(AUDIENCE CHEERING)" "Isn't this romantic?" "Out in nature, with the fireflies, and that big old beautiful sunset!" "Sunset?" "Oh my gosh!" "Sunset!" "Oh, no!" "I mean, um..." " It's late." "It's very late." " What?" "Wait a minute." "I see what's going on here." "You're afraid of the dark, aren't you?" "Yes, that's it." "I'm terrified." "You know what?" "I'd better go inside." "Don't worry, I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until..." "Oh!" "No, wait." "I'm still afraid of the dark!" " I'm so sorry, I have to go." " SHREK:" "Oh." "All right." " Good night." " Good night." "Uh-uh." "No, sir." "I'm sorry, but I did not come this whole way, putting up with you and your body odor, just so you can let her walk away like that!" " What are you talking about?" " I'm an animal, and I got instincts." "And you two were obviously digging on each other." "Oh, you're crazy." "I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad." "So you don't have any feelings for her at all?" "(LAUGHS) Look, even if I did and I'm not saying I do, because I don't." "She's a princess and I'm..." " An ogre?" " Yeah." " An ogre." " She needs to know." " Hey, where you going?" " To get more wood, before your fire dies." "Princess." " Princess Fiona." " (CROW CAWS, FLUTTERS)" "Princess, where are you?" "Princess, it's very spooky in here, I ain't playing no games..." "Oh!" " No!" "Help!" "Shrek!" " Oh, no, no, no!" "It's OK!" " What'd you do with the princess?" " Donkey, I am the princess." "It's me." " In this body." " Oh, my God." "You ate the princess!" "Can you hear me?" "Keep breathing!" "I'll get you out of there!" "Donkey!" "Princess?" "What happened to you?" ""By day one way, by night another,"" "this shall be the norm, until you find true love's first kiss" ""and then take love's true form."" "That's beautiful." "I didn't know you wrote poetry." "Donkey, it's a curse." "I've had it since I was girl." " A curse?" " A witch cast a spell on me." "Now every night, when the sun goes down I become this this horrible, ugly beast!" "All right, calm down, you're not that ugly." "OK, I'm not gonna lie, you are ugly, but you only look like this at night." "Shrek's ugly 24/7." " Wait a second, that's perfect!" " Perfect?" "Donkey, if Lord Farquaad finds out I look like this, he'll never marry me!" " So?" " So, I have to kiss my true love!" "The kiss is the only thing that will break the spell and make me beautiful." "But, you know, you're kind of an ogre, and Shrek..." "Well, you got a lot in common." " Shrek?" " Yeah, if he knew all this," " I think maybe..." " No, wait, wait, wait, he can't know." "And you can't tell him!" "Not a word!" "No one must ever know!" " Promise you won't tell." "Promise!" " All right, all right." "I won't tell him." "But you should." "Man, I know when this is all over," "I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy." "Princess, I..." "How's it going first of all?" "Good?" "Good for me, too." "I'm OK." " Um..." " (SLOW, SIMPLE MELODY BEGINS) d I picked this flower d Right over there is where it grew d And I don't really like it But it made me think of you d Because it's pretty" "d ls what I'm trying to say d And you are also pretty d But I like you anyway" "d So please accept this flower d With its petals and a stem d Which represent my feelings d And tells you how..." "Oh, man, I'm in trouble." "d When words fail, what will I do?" "d When words fail How will she know how I feel?" "d When words fail, will I fail, too?" "d Hello, fair princess d Oh, look, the moon is out tonight d You remind me of that moon Because it's big and bright d And by big I don't mean chubby d Obviously you're not fat" "d But your personality is biggish d ls what I meant by that" "d Sony about that fat thing I'm on the hefty side myself d I have to blame the gene pool d Which reminds me of..." "Oh, where am I going with this?" "d When words fail, what will I do?" "d When words fail How will she know how I feel?" "d When words fail, will I fail, too?" "d Do I have a snowball's chance?" "d Are my prospects just too grim?" "d I spent my life stuck in the mud d Now I'm crawling out on a limb" "d If words fail, she'll know what I mean d If words fail She'll just take my hand d She sees me like no one else has" "d If words fail, she'll understand d She'll understand d" "FIONA:" "I can't think about Shrek." "Not now." "I'm a princess after all, and look at me!" "I mean, really, who could ever love a beast so hideous and ugly?" "Princess and ugly don't go together." "That's why I can't stay here with Shrek." "My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my one true love." "(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)" "(RISING MELODY PLAYS)" "(SIGHS) d Good morning, dawn Good morning, day d Good morning, mourning dove d I had a long and sleepless night pondering true love d My fairytale I know so well has somehow gone awry d Looks can be deceiving But feelings cannot lie" "d Do I love him?" "d Last night I was uncertain But this morning, this morning d This morning..." "Shrek, thank goodness!" "There's something I have to tell you..." "You don't have to tell me anything." "I heard enough last night." " You heard what I said?" " Every word." "Especially, "Who could love such a hideous, ugly beast?"" "But I thought that wouldn't matter to you." "Yeah?" "Well, it does!" " (FANFARE PLAYS)" " Oh..." "Right on time." "Princess, I've brought you a little something." "FARQUAAD: d Fiona!" "Fiona, Fiona Fiona, Fiona, Fiona d Fiona, Fiona, Fiona d Fiona, Fiona!" "(HORSE WHINNIES)" "Whoa, plastic horse." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)" "(WHISPERS) He's plastic." "He's hollow." " Princess Fiona..." " As promised." "Now about my swamp..." "Cleared out, as agreed, the deed has been put in your name." "Now step away before I change my mind." "Forgive me, Princess, for startling you." " I am Lord Farquaad." " Lord Farquaad." "Forgive me, for I was just saying a short..." " Hm?" " (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) ...farewell." " Oh!" "That is so sweet, but you don't have to waste good manners on the ogre." "It's not like it has feelings." "No, you're right, it doesn't." "(LORD FARQUAAD CLEARS THROAT)" "Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawless Fiona." "(GRUNTING)" "I ask your hand in marriage." "Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?" "Lord Farquaad, I accept." "Nothing would make me..." "Excellent!" "I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!" "No!" "I mean, why wait?" "Let's get married today." "Before sunset." "Oh." "Anxious, are we?" "(LAUGHS) You're right." "The sooner the better." "There's so much to do!" "Captain, ride ahead." "Tell them it's a Code Red!" "We'll be married by sunset!" "Oh, man, there's nothing like a good night's sleep." "Oh!" " What did I miss?" " Fare thee well, ogre." "(BACK-UP ALARM BEEPING)" "Shrek!" "Shrek, what are you doing?" "You're letting her get away!" "Look, there's something you don't know!" "I talked to her last night and..." "Yeah, I know you talked to her last night." "You two are great pals, aren't you?" "So why don't you follow her home?" " But Shrek, I want to go home with you." " Hey, I told you already," "I live alone!" "My swamp, me!" "Nobody else, understand?" "!" " Nobody!" " But I thought..." " (ROCK MUSIC PLAYS) - d I'm gonna build me a wall d I'll make it ten feet high" "d See you later, pal, bye-bye d No one getting in d So don't you even try d A ten-foot wall" "But Shrek, it's not what you think." "Just let me explain... d I'm gonna build me a wall d I'm gonna disappear d What's the matter, pal?" "Am I not being clear?" "d Can't you take a hint?" "d Am I getting through at all?" "d Just get out of here d I was told the world would despise me" "d So I should've known I should've guessed d I thought these two might be different" "d Well, now I know d They're just like all the rest d I'm gonna be what they want I'm gonna be what they say" "d Hey, world, I'll do it your way d You're looking for a monster It's your lucky day d I'll be what you want" "d What a fool to think she might love me d I opened my heart and let her walk through d She wanted Prince Charming d I wanted my home back d How lucky both our wishes came true" "d Gonna build me a wall d The perfect place to hide d Hey, world, stay on your side d The best way to conquer d They say is to divide d Gonna build a wall Gonna be what they say" "d Gonna harden my heart" "d Gonna build a wall d" "(AUDIENCE CHEERING)" "Just when you think life can't get any worse, you get evicted from a swamp!" "Yeah, I really thought that ogre was gonna help us." "He still might!" "Maybe if we all close our eyes and clap really hard!" " Oh, grow up." " I won't grow up!" " You're 34 and need a shave." " (ALL GASPING)" "Oh, yeah!" " Am I wrong?" " Where to now?" "Forty miles north, they said." "There's landfill with our names on it." " (GRUMBLING)" " Landfill?" "Are you kidding me?" "What's next, a dunghill?" "A septic tank?" "How low do we need to go, people?" "It's time to do what we should've done a long time ago!" "We got to stand up to Farquaad ourselves!" " (EXCITED CHATTERING)" " Yeah, Gingy's right!" "We need to get off our fluffy butts and do something!" "(EXCITED CHATTERING)" "Wait a minute!" "Now, look, maybe that ogre wasn't the answer, but something better will come along, and we have to wait for it, because that is what fairy-tale creatures do." "We wait for miracles." "We wish upon stars!" " Why, my cricket always told me..." " Oh, forget that cricket!" "If he was so smart, he would've seen that windshield coming!" " (SPLATS) - (GASPS)" "No, no!" "We just need to lay low until this all blows over." "(ARGUING)" "None of this would've happened if I were a real boy!" "Why can't I be a real boy?" "(SHOUTS) Listen up, puppet!" " d We spend our whole lives wishing." " (PIANO PLAYS BLUESY MELODY) d We weren't so freaking strange d They made us feel that way d But it's they who need to change" "The way they think, that is." " MAMA BEAR:" "That's right, Papa." " Yeah!" "d It's time to stop the hiding d It's time to stand up tall" ""d Say, " Hey, world, I'm different d And here I am" ""(SOULFULLY) d Splinters and all"" "(AUDIENCE CHEERING) d Splinter-er-er-ers and all Ooh-ooh-hoo!" "d Let your freak flag wave" " My what?" " d Let your freak flag fly" " That's what I'm talking about!" " d Never take it down d Never take it down Raise it way up high d Let your freak flag fly d Let it fly, fly, fly" " d It's hard to be a puppet." " d Little puppet boy" " d So many strings attached." " d Can't cut loose" " d But it's not a choice you made. - d No, no d It's just how you were hatched d Let your freak flag wave d Let your freak flag fly d Never take it down Never take it down" "d Raise it way up high d Let your freak flag fly" " d I'm proud to be a piggy." " d Little pig, little pig" " d I raise my furry fist." " d Papa Bear, Papa Bear d It's time I told the world I'm a Scientologist" " d Scientologist." " d I did some time in jail" " d Yeah, yeah!" " d I smell like sauerkraut" " d Whoo!" " d I'm gonna shed my housecoat d Miss Thing, you work it out!" "d Let your freak flag wave d Let your freak flag fly d Never take it down Never take it down d Raise it way up high" "Yes!" "It all makes sense now." "We may be freaks, but we're freaks with teeth, and claws, and magic wands!" "And together, we can stand up to Farquaad!" "d Never take it down Raise it way up high d Raise it up way high Raise it up way high d We've got magic We've got power" " d Who are they to say we're wrong?" " d Wrong d All the things that make us special d Are the things that make us strong" " d What makes us special." " d What makes us special d What makes us special makes us strong d Let your freak flag wave d Let your freak flag fly d Never take it down Never take it down d Raise it way up high" "d Let your freak flag fly d Fly d Fly Fly d Fly" "I'm wood!" "I'm good!" "Get used to it!" "d Fly d" "(AUDIENCE CHEERING)" " To Duloc!" " (CHEERING)" "Come on, you guys!" "That's right!" "Whoo!" "Come on!" "Ha-ha!" "Whoo!" "Donkey?" "What are you doing?" "Oh, I would think you of all people would recognize a wall when you saw one!" "Well, yeah." "But the wall is supposed to go around my swamp, not through it." "It is around your half." "See?" "That's your half, this is my half." " (SCOFFS) Your half?" " Yes, my half." "I helped rescue the princess, I did half the work, I get half the booty." " Back off." " No, you back off." " Stubborn jackass!" " Smelly ogre!" "This is my swamp!" "There you go, "My, my, my!" "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what?" "Now it's my turn, so you just shut up and pay attention." "You are mean to me." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)" "You insult me and you do not appreciate anything I do." "You're always pushing me around or pushing me away!" "You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings!" "Well, if I treated you so badly, why did you come back?" "Because that's what friends do, they forgive each other!" "Go away!" "There you are doing it again!" "Just like you did to Fiona!" "All she ever did was like you." "Maybe even love you!" "Love me?" "She said I was ugly!" "A hideous creature!" "I heard the two of you talking!" "She wasn't talking about you!" "She was talking about hersel someone else." "She wasn't talking about me?" "Well then, who was she talking about?" "No, sir." "I ain't saying nothing." "You don't wanna listen to me, right?" "Right?" " Donkey!" " No." "OK, look, I'm sorry, all right?" "I'm sorry." "I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly ogre." "Can you forgive me?" "Hey, that's what friends are for, right?" "Right." " Friends?" " Oh!" "Friends!" "So, what did Fiona say about me?" "What are you asking me for?" "Why don't you just go ask her?" "Donkey!" "The wedding!" " We'll never make it in time!" " I know someone who can help!" "(FAN FARE PLAYS)" "(CHOIR VOCALIZING SOMBER MELODY)" "BISHOP:" "People of Duloc, we gather here today to bear witness to the union of our new king and queen." "And as the warm glow of this setting sun lifts our heads, so too does the..." "Excuse me." "Could we just skip to the "I do's"?" " What?" " Uh, yeah." "Go on, go on." "Right, well then, do you, Lord Farquaad, take Princess Fiona?" " I do." " And do you..." " I do." " Yes, I thought you might." "Well, then, by the power vested in me..." " Stop the wedding!" " FIONA:" "Shrek?" "What does he want?" "Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding?" " Fiona, I need to talk to you." " Oh, now you want to talk?" "Well, it's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me..." " But you can't marry him!" " And why not?" "Because he's just marrying you so he can be king." "That is outrageous!" " Fiona, don't listen to him." " He's not your true love." "And what do you know about true love?" "Well..." "I..." "Um..." "Oh..." "Oh..." "Aw..." "Well, this is precious." "Huh?" "Hm?" "The ogre has fallen in love with the princess." "Oh, good Lord." " (LAUGHS) - (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)" "Mm!" "Guards, take this abomination out of my sight!" "No!" "I mean... (CHUCKLES)" "Let's hear what the monster has to say." "It might be worth a laugh." "Oh, you are awful." "Well, you heard her, ogre." "Express yourself." "Hm?" "With as few grunts as possible." "Right." "OK." " Um..." " (SLOW, SIMPLE MELODY PLAYS) d It's a big, bright, beautiful world d With happiness all around d It's peaches and cream d If a dream comes true" "(SING-SONGY) Awkward!" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)" "Little bit." "Look at that." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) d It's a big, bright, beautiful world" "d With possibilities everywhere d If true love is blind d Maybe you won't mind the view?" "d I know I'm not the handsome prince d For whom you've waited" "d I don't have a fancy castle And I'm not sophisticated d A princess and an ogre I admit is complicated d You've never read a book like this d But fairy tales d Should really be d Updated" "d It's a big, bright, beautiful world d I see it now, I'll let it in d I'll tear down a wall d And clear a spot for two" "d To be with you d" "Boo!" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "Are we ready, darling?" "Hm?" " I can't." " PINOCCHIO:" "Stop the wedding!" "Filthy wedding crashers!" "Guards, stop him!" "Stop him!" "We've taken your abuse for the last time, Farquaad!" " Well, no more!" " It ends today!" " Power to the piggies!" " We demand our homes back!" "And our rightful place in Duloc!" "Right, guys?" " ALL:" "Yeah!" " How dare you freaks interrupt my wedding?" "Freaks, huh?" "Well, I guess it takes one to know one." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)" " What?" " Be prepared to have your mind blown." " Hi-ho!" " Daddy!" "Oh, Daddy." "I suppose my invitation was lost in the mail?" "Well, maybe if you hadn't abandoned me in the woods!" "Abandoned you?" "You were 28 and living in my basement!" " (JEERING)" " Loser." "People of Duloc, your leader is a half ling!" " No!" "No, no, no." "Don't listen to him." " (EXCITED CHATTERING)" " Just like all of us." " Not a freak!" "Not a freak!" "I'm a king!" "I'm a big, tall man!" "I'm a big, tall, giant man with a kingdom!" "Not a freak!" "I have a castle!" "MALE VOICE: d Behold!" "BISHOP:" "Bring in the lanterns!" "(EXCITED CHATTERING CONTINUES)" " FIONA:" "Stop the wedding!" " ALL:" "Whoa!" "Fiona?" "I wanted to show you before." "Well, uh that explains a lot." "Ew. (SHUDDERS) Ew, ah!" "Ugh!" "Ugh!" "It's disgusting!" "Guards!" "Guards!" "Guards!" "(GRUNTS) All this hocus-pocus alters nothing!" "This marriage is binding and that makes me king!" "See?" "Ha-ha!" "As for you, my wife," "I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days." " No, actually, you won't." " (WHISTLES)" "What are you doing, you insolent beast?" "I'll see you drawn and quartered!" " I am king!" "I will have order!" " (ROARING)" "(FARQUAAD SHOUTING)" "Nobody move!" "I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it!" "I'm a donkey on the edge!" "(AUDIENCE CHEERS, APPLAUDS)" " Fiona, I love you." " Really?" "Really, really." "I love you, too." " ALL:" "Aw!" " Yay!" "FIONA'S VOICE: "By day one way, by night another,"" "this shall be the norm, until you find true love's first kiss" ""and then take love's true form..." "then take love's true form."" "(FIONA'S VOICE ECHOING)" "(CHOIR VOCALIZING ETHEREAL, TRIUMPHANT MELODY)" " Fiona, are you all right?" " (SUSPENSEFUL MELODY PLAYS)" "Well, yes, but I don't understand." "I'm supposed to be beautiful." "But you are beautiful." "d Once upon a time to look like us would be a pity d But now we know that beautiful d Ain't always pretty" "d I waited all my life d Lived it by the book d Now I know that's not my story d You take me as I am d Love me as I look d Standing here in all my glory" "d I am sweetness, lam bratty d I'm a princess, I'm a fatty d I'm a mess of contradictions in a dress d I am sassy, I am sappy d When I'm with you I am happy" "d This is my story d You laugh at all my jokes" "(LAUGHS) d Even though they're crude d You don't mind that I'm not classy" " d We make a perfect pair." " d We make a perfect pair" " d Radiant and rude." " d Radiant and rude" " d So in love and much too gassy." " d So in love and much too gassy" " d We are ogres, we are scary." " d We are ogres, we are scary d We are donkeys, we are hairy d We have bold and brand-new stories to be told d We will write them We will tell them d You will hear them You will smell them" "d This is our story" "And that is how the little ogre came to live on the swamp with a beautiful princess." " And his best friend." " And his best friend." "And the Gingerbread Man!" " And a very handsome puppet!" " And an elf!" " And a fairy godmother!" " And a witch!" " And a cross-dressing wolf!" " And the three pigs!" "d What makes us special" " d What makes us special." " d What makes us special" " d What makes us special." " d What makes us special d What makes us special makes us strong d We are witches, we are fairies We are weirdoes" "I'm an Aries!" "d We're a giant Whitman's Sampler here to try d We are puppets We are rabbits d We are hobbits with bad habits d We're a screwy but delighted crazy stew d We are different and united d You are us and we are you" "d This is our story d This is our story" "d This is our story" "God bless us, everyone!" "d The end!" "d" "(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)" " (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) - (AUDIENCE CLAPPING WITH BEAT)" "d I thought love was only true in fairy tales d Meant for someone else but not for me" "d Love was out to get me d That's the way it seemed" "d Disappointment haunted all my dreams" " d And then I saw her face." " d I saw her face" " d Now I'm a believer." " d I saw her face" " d Not a trace." " d No, not a trace" " d Of doubt in my mind." " d In my mind" " d I'm in love." " d Ooh d I'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I tried d I thought love was more or less a givin' thing d But the more I gave the less I got, oh, yeah" "d Oh, yeah" " d What's the use in trying." " d What's the use in trying d Doo-doo-doo-doo" " d All you get is pain." " d All you get is pain d Doo-doo-doo-doo" " d When I wanted sunshine I got rain." " d When I wanted sunshine I got rain d I got rain, I got rain" "Hey, you all, can I say something?" "d And then I saw her face" "(AUDIENCE CHEERS) d Now I'm a believer Whoo!" "d Not a trace d Of doubt in my mind" "Hey, how you doing?" " d I'm in love." " d Ooh, ah d I'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I tried d Then I saw her face" "d Now I'm a believer Whoo!" "d Oh, not a trace d Of doubt in my mind" " d I'm in love." " d I'm in love" " d Now I'm a believer." " d Now I'm a believer d I believe, I believe, I believe I believe, I believe, I believe d Now I'm a believer" " d I believe." " I can't hear you." "d I believe" " d I believe" " Whoo!" "d I believe" "d I believe, I believe I believe, I believe d" "(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)" "MAMA BEAR: d Let your freak flag wave d Let your freak flag fly d Never take it down Never take it down d Raise it way up high d Let your freak flag fly d Let it fly, fly, fly" " PINOCCHIO: d It's hard to be a puppet - d Little puppet boy" " d So many strings attached." " d Can't cut loose" "HUMPTY DUMPTY: d But it's not a choice you made" " d No, no. - d It's just how you were hatched" "ALL: d Let your freak flag wave d Let your freak flag fly d Never take it down Never take it down d Raise it way up high d Let your freak flag fly" " d I'm proud to be a piggy." " d Little pig, little pig" " d I raise my furry fist." " d Papa Bear, Papa Bear" "ELF: d It's time I told the world I'm a Scientologist d Scientologist" "WICKED WITCH: d I did some time in jail d Yeah, yeah" "MAD HATTER: d I smell like sauerkraut d Whoo!" "BIG BAD WOLF: d I'm gonna shed my housecoat" " d Ah." " d Miss Thing, you work it out!" "d Let your freak flag wave d Let your freak flag fly d Never take it down Never take it down d Raise it way up high" "PINOCCHIO:" "Yes!" "It all makes sense now." "We may be freaks, but we're freaks with teeth, and claws, and magic wands!" "And together, we can stand up to Farquaad!" "d Never take it down Raise it way up high d Raise it up way high Raise it up way high" "HUMPTY DUMPTY: d We've got magic We've got power d Who are they to say we're wrong?" "d All the things that make us special d Are the things that make us strong" " d What makes us special." " d What makes us special" "ALL: d What makes us special makes us strong d Let your freak flag wave d Let your freak flag fly d Never take it down Never take it down d Raise it way up high d Yeah d Let your freak flag fly" "d Fly d Fly, fly, fly" "PINOCCHIO:" "I'm wood!" "I'm good!" "Get used to it!" "ALL: d Fly d" "(ORCHESTRA PLAYS FINALE MEDLEY)" " (MUSIC ENDS) - (AUDIENCE CHEERING)"