"Ladies and gentlemen, your hosts, Jonah Ray and Kumail Nanjiani!" "There's no mic attached to that." "That was part of the joke, Kumail." "I don't know what I'm doing." "I have never felt like more of a rock star... than when I do" "Yeah, it looks like a lot of fun." "Uh-oh." "That's been done." "Yeah, but I have an arrow through my head." "Yeah, I'm seeing exactly that." "Yeah, but I'm wearing like a white suit and I have an arrow" "Yeah, no, I know, that's exactly what this other guy used to do." "I forget his name." "I'm pretty sure you're fucking with me right now." "So, this happened at my own wedding." "We were having a traditional Muslim ceremony... because that's the one, true religion." "And how Muslim ceremonies work is, all the guys are in one room... and all the girls are in a different room, within earshot." "That doesn't sound like a wedding." "It sounds like just two different bachelor and bachelorette parties." "Do you want to pick on Islam in front of cameras right now?" "I'm not picking-- No, no, go for it." "No, I'm not picking on Islam." "Look into that camera." "This'll be the video that airs on CNN." "I just find it so interesting." "As a person who has no idea what you're talking about..." "I'm so interested in your culture." "So, uh, the Muslim priest comes, and he's talking to my mom." "And he's like, "What are the names of the people getting married?"" "She goes, "His name is Kumail." And he goes, "That is a beautiful name." "And her name is Emily." "And he goes, "I will not marry someone named Emily."" "And Emily is super nice, so I'm like, "Listen, we're just gonna pick a Muslim sounding word... to call you for today."" "The Muslim priest guy, I should describe what he looked like." "Pretend you're a racist, and then imagine a Muslim." "Done, got it." "He looked like a Muslim on the news." "Halfway through the ceremony, 50 Cent's Candy Shop starts playing in the room." "Fitty Cent." "But just the chorus, just like..." "I'm gonna take you to the candy shop." "I'm gonna let you lick the lollipop." "Over and over, and I'm like, "Oh, my god, who has this as their ringtone?"" "I swear, 30 seconds later, this Muslim priest, this is completely true." "Reaches into his pocket, pulls out a glowing cell phone... flips it open to see who's calling... because that's just his general ringtone for everybody." "That's not like, "Oh, I'll let you lick the lollipop, Zuberto must be calling."" "So that's our song now." "Maybe he was taking it way too literally." "It's like, "This 50 Cent has really got a sweet song about growing up near a candy shop."" "I just think this guy's never gotten a blowjob in his life... and I'm really sad for him." "How" " I don't understand how they put this together... into a 22-minute episode." "It's gonna be very like documentary-style, so I think it's gonna be very" "They cut everyone... okay?" "Is... okay" "And they put on something that already gets good ratings." "Right." "And then they shelf it." "This is a loss." "They're just like-- for tax reasons." "This is a loss." "It's all potential energy, nothing's kinetic... which is so exciting!" "See, they had to have this show." "This could be anything." "It could be anything, but it won't be." "No." "What?" "You don't" "Beautiful day here in Southern California." "Is, uh, is anyone thinking of suicide?" "Don't do it, don't do it." "Don't do it." "No, people will be so mad at you, if you do that." "They'll be so mad at you." "No, it's not the season for it, late fall." "If you ever start having a lot of repetitively shit ideas like... oh, I want to kill myself, or somebody else." "Uh, remember that all of us have had a lot of repetitively shit ideas... that we haven't necessarily followed through on." "Uh, I've often thought it would be a great idea to buy day-old raisin bread... in bulk and then freeze it." "I'm not about to go through with that." "I've also thought many times it would be a great idea to go on vacation with my family." "They are my mortal enemies." "I will fight them to the very last!" "Honey, we're just going camping in Michigan with your cousins." "I will not be dashed upon the rocks by your siren song!" "Anyways, if you ever start thinking, "Oh, but I'm a waste of space." "I'm a burden."" "Remember that also describes the Grand Canyon." "Oh, oh, but I owe people a lot of money and everybody hates me." "Hello, Europe." "Oh, oh, but I've done some other horrible and unspeakable, unforgivable things." "Google it!" "Somebody has done exactly what you have done or worse... has gotten past it and is currently on a book tour." "You're never alone!" "My favorite has been going and asking everybody when the last time they cried is." "That's always a fun party trick." "When was the last time you cried?" "I was on a plane and I cried during the movie Swing Vote, with Kevin Costner." "I was bawling." "I mean, who decides who's President?" "One man?" "Is that enough?" "I mean, just one man?" "It wasn't about that, though." "What was it about?" "It was about his daughter, how she cared so much about both her dad and her country-- that she just" "He's getting in there." "If you stay alive for no reason at all, please do it for spite." "There are certain people who will blame you when you are not feeling well." "I was in the psych ward, as we do." "And a friend came to visit me, very nice of her, a very spiritual friend." "She gave me a real talking to." "Maria, you've got to get out of here." "It's just, really negative energy." "Right?" "That's what I said." "That's what I said." "But the cops, they 5150'd... and they took away my shoe laces." "You need to get out into nature." "Right, that's what I said." "Just like Virginia Woolf and into a river, right?" "Or find a stand of trees and make my own strange fruit." "Maria, I talked to my spiritual advisor." "He said that you're just done with this world." "You need to move on to the next." "So I've come in to say that I let you go, and goodbye." "Okay, you're horrible." "Why don't you bring that little ray of sunshine over to the Children's Hospital." "You wouldn't have to make a wish, if you believed." "just go to a beach with a lot of white people on it... and that's exactly the same thing." "The way it was-- it got scheduled, I had a show booked in DC the next day..." "You're going to the nation's capital." "The nation's capital." "After being in Jamaica for eight hours." "For eight hours." "Yes, it looks suspicious." "You're like, "In eight hours, I got what I needed in Jamaica."" "Pretty much." "I'm going through customs and the guy was like-- he was like..." "Wait how long were you in Jamaica?" "I was like-- and I'm just like a mess... because I've just been travelling and I'm unshaven... my hair is unkempt, I'm wearing this" "Oh, yeah, you sort of look like you." "But I was also wearing a leather jacket, 'cause I'm real cool." "You looked like the drug dealer who got way in over his head, kind of." "That's what it seems like, yeah." "Yeah, you're like the guy like, "I didn't know it was gonna be like this, man!" "And so, like, the guy's like, "What were you doing in Jamaica?"" "I was like, "Oh, it's my girlfriend's sister's wedding."" "And he's all, "Well, then why are you going to DC?"" "And I said, "Well, I have a-- I'm a comedian."" "And he's like, "Really?"" "Then I get taken into a room to the side, and then the guy asked me again..." ""So, wait, one more time, what were you doing in Jamaica?"" "And I said, "I'm going to my sister's girlfriend's wedding."" "And then the guy does it like he just fucking found out the case." "He's like, "Oh, story's changing."" "Is he doing Vincent D'Onofrio?" "In that Law and Order, he's always like, "Oh, that's interesting." "Yeah." "I'm getting fatter every episode." "Yeah." "You really have to be a big Law and Order fan." "Yeah, and the guy's like, "So what do you do?" "Why are you going to DC?" "And I said I had a podcast, and I'm a comedian and we have a show there." "And he's like, "What's the podcast?"" "And I said, "It's called The Nerdist." "And then he was like, "Oh, Chris Hardwick?" "I love Talking Dead."" "Then I got to go, because he is all powerful." "We're Up All Night To Get Lucky." "I don't know if you've ever heard that... but we made up that poem." "We're in a band, I can't say what it's called, but we wear like robot heads." "I don't know, maybe I'm saying too much." "Can you guys cut that out?" "It's like, I don't want to say what it is, but we're like, "We're up all night to get--"" "I don't know, like" "[GABE] Don't say it." "No, I won't." "I brought something tonight that I want to share... because I feel like we're on TV and this is my chance." "Absolutely." "After tonight, I'm gonna go to bed forever" "Oh, no, you don't have to do that." "This is a screenplay that I've written." "That's great, okay." "So, um, yeah, you can unfold it." "This is just an inspiration." "What is this?" "It's an inspiration page." "Okay, so this faces out..." "And just a little back story." "to inspire you guys." "It's about two young Jews named Gabe and Jenny..." "Mm-hm." "Ooh." "who meet at college, and fall in love forever and are in love forever." "So, it's sci-fi." "It's uh" "So, you could read the part of Gabe Ledman." "Okay." "And also do the stage direction..." "Okay." "because I'm not off book for those." "Okay." "Exterior, Jenny's house, day..." "Gabe walks up to the front door and rings the doorbell." "Ding dong." "Jenny doesn't hear the doorbell... because she's practicing her cello and it sounds perfect." "Gabe waits patiently for a few seconds, then rings the bell again." "Ding-dong." "Yah yah yah yo yah yah yo yah." "This time she misses it, because she's vocalizing... and that weirdly sounds more perfect." "Gabe rings the bell twice, ding-dong, ding-dong." "Jenny throws away her cello, because she has a million cellos!" "Oh, Gabe, hi." "Hi, Jenny, hey." "Sorry, I know I'm a little bit early to pick you up for our show tonight at Meltdown." "Ooh." "There's something I really need to tell you." "Can I please come in?" "Gabe, I hope that's a joke, because all of my friends know that I listen to them... every time they talk to me, and I don't just zone out, because my brain is ruined by drugs." "Come on into my home." "Gabe enters the house, taking off his shirt." "Ooh." "Maybe I'll keep my shirt on just for the read, but" "What I have to say is really important, so maybe you should sit down for this." "Mm, I'm not sure where to sit." "Well, maybe you could sit on that $1,500 ottoman." "Or maybe that $3,000 loveseat." "I don't know, all your furniture looks really comfy." "That's true." "All of my furniture is not from the trash in Brooklyn." "There's no bugs in it, or it's also not from my Nana's house." "It's from a store." "Does this look pretty?" "I would do slightly more blending, but it's not about" "You know what, leave it." "You're a typical guy." "You look whore-ish, but in a good way." "Oh, thank you." "You look good whore-ish." "Does that make sense?" "Like a classy whore?" "That's redundant." "Can I get paid before I go out?" "Here goes nothing." "Gabe takes a deep breath." "Good, yeah, that's great." "Okay." "I am so fucking in love with you." "Yes." "Yes, you are." "That it is fucking retarded." "Yes, it's real." "This is happening to me right now." "Jenny Sarah Slate, I need you more than I need air." "Gabe, you need air!" "Wow, now that's acting." "Thank you." "Thank you." "Jenny, you know how the Mona Lisa is a little bit ugly?" "I do." "You're not." "What?" "Gabe, I" " I'm a little confused." "If I could be candid, frankly, honestly, I thought that you were gay." "( BOTH LAUGHING )" "( BOTH CONTINUE LAUGHING )" "Oh, Jenny, don't you know I'm only pretending to be gay to advance my own career?" "Are you sure you want to say that in a screenplay?" "I can say whatever I want to say and anything, it's called the Patriot Act." "That's not what the Patriot Act is." "Nobody knows what it is!" "Gabe clears the dining room table with one swipe of his humongous arm." "Picks Jenny up by her asshole like she's a bowling ball." "Ouchy." "That would hurt, right?" "That actually only helps." "Wow, I don't know you at all." "I know me very good." "Gabe lights a big expensive candle and dribbles the wax... all over her perfect, little titties." "Then he goes to work, eating her pussy... like a maniac, wanting nothing for himself." "We see out the window, the sun sets, and the moon comes up." "Finally, Gabe comes up for air, and is like..." ""Just kidding," then gets back to work." "He flips her over and they do anal for a historic amount of time." "Finally, having built up the nerve, Gabe goes in for a kiss?" "I feel like the pages are out of order, Jen." "I feel like the pages are in exactly the right order, actually." "Gabe unfurls his three-foot long tongue and they French, sloppy, crazy-style." "Finally, falling to the floor in a heap of Jewish cum." "Jesus Christ, what is this rated?" "It's rated good." "Yeah, it is." "Gabe, now that you have French kissed me in such a way... you are my Jewish husband, amen." "Amen, and so it is written." "Amen, and so it is written." "Thank you." "When Kumail and Jonah asked me to do this, I was like..." ""Yeah, absolutely, like, I can't wait to do your show."" "And then I realized very quickly like, oh, I don't have any material... um, that I could do for the show." "I mean, I have material... but I don't have like material that I wanted to like burn... on some like shit show on Comedy Central." "So, I decided to ask Twitter what I should do." "And so, the first suggestion came from @therealonmoses, the real on Moses." "And he said, "Come out in a white suit, with an arrow through your head." ""Be on coke, if possible."" "I assume he meant cocaine, and I did that, and it's great." "I did like 50 bumps of cocaine right before I came out." "I'm really enjoying myself." "@verkommen wrote, "Marry me."" "And I was like, I don't think so, because I don't know who this person is... and also, I'm married already." "But I'm also a man of my word." "But first things first, I brought my wife Jen here, so she's here." "So, Jen, come on out." "Jen and I have been married 15 years, we have two kids, Apple and Maddox." "I'm not a performer, so I'm nervous." "Oh, yeah, use that, just talk into the microphone." "Oh, I'm not a performer, so I'm nervous." "This is what you do every night?" "Yeah, it's a real rush, isn't it?" "Yeah." "Obviously, you know, I told you about this... and that I'm gonna have to like let you go." "Yeah, no, you are a man of your word, so" "Right, I divorce thee, I divorce thee, I divorce thee." "So just step over there." "So I haven't met Verkommen." "She said she was gonna be here tonight." "Verkommen, are you here?" "Are you Verkommen?" "Yeah!" "Well, what do you have here?" "I mean, this is like me, I feel like I'm your-- like I'm a pot-smoking frog... and like, with your help, I could become a pot-smoking prince." "Well, that's very nice." "Thank you, Verkommen." "Are you mic'd?" "I'm" " I'm mic'd." "Okay." "I'm mic'd." "I'm mic'd." "So, let's talk about the sex tapes." "You guys aren't brothers, are you?" "We are brothers." "We are." "I mean, we get that so often." "It is, yeah, but only when we're together." "But you know what?" "He got-- he's more outgo" "The difference is he's more outgoing." "I am." "Kumail, will you come out and perform the ceremony?" "It's kind of weird, because she's still right here." "Do you want to use some of our vows?" "No." "This one's gonna work out." "You want to just whisper stuff to me... and then I'll just repeat it as part of the-- Sure." "I'm psyched that we're gonna get married." "He's psyched that you're gonna get married." "That's it." "Thank you." "Do do do do do do do Do do do do do do do" "( SCATTING )" "Thank you." "Thank you so much for coming to the Meltdown!" "Thank you so much for coming to the Meltdown!" "Have a good night." "We really appreciate it." "Get home safe." "JONAH (O.S.):" "Okay." "Yes."