"Previously on That Mitchell And Webb Look." "You're a woman, Joyce." "Beautiful, sexual woman." "You're fine with nudity, aren't you?" "He said what?" "!" "I vowed never to use my powers." "My kind of harvest is the souls of a million peasants." "Behold!" "LAUGHTER" "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen." "We've rather an important announcement to make, haven't we, Robert?" "Yes, we have, David." "I'll come straight out and say it." "We're sorry." "We're extremely sorry that we've spent the last few years just going along our merry way making these "jokes", you know." ""Oh, look at the world we live in." ""Heh heh heh."" ""Heh he heh." "Oh, let's put that in our comedy show." ""Heh heh." "Let's make light of everything."" "BOTH: "Heh heh heh!"" "Well, that stops now." "That's over!" "We realise now that making a so-called comedy show full of so-called jokes..." "On the so-called television..." "No, it's just a television." "Right." "That making a comedy show is a deeply inappropriate reaction to what's going on in Britain today." "There's Africa, erm, Andrew Sachs's granddaughter, the recession, the expenses, that sex that that guy had..." "There's all that and here WE stand like the couple of disgusting, overpaid WANKERS that we are!" "Hear, hear!" "And trying to be funny about it?" "It's pathetic!" "It all ends now." "No more levity and no more filth." "The filth in particular was getting to be a complete load of fucking balls." "Exactly." "Now, sadly we only came to this conclusion after we'd finished making the current series." "That obviously is regrettable." "So, we're going to have to show you the so-called comedy programme rather than something worthwhile." "We're sorry about that, but if the BBC commissions another series of the show, which I for one think would be a serious mistake...." "A huge mistake." "..but exactly the kind of pathetic thing they might try." "Complacent bastards!" "The new series will just be six half-hours of sober reflection upon the situation." "And of course lots and lots of journalists and politicians all talking to each other." "Oh, yes, please." "What a rare treat." "In the meantime, on with the sneering pantomime of impudent crud." "Oh, no." "Good morning, I'm a sex champion." "What sort of trophies can you offer me?" "A what champion, sir?" "A sex champion." "I'm magnificent in the sack and I want some kind of shiny prize to prove that fact to my wife." "Right, well, I tend to specialise in sports trophies." "Football, rugby, darts, that sort of thing." "So, I need to commission a sex trophy of some kind." "Well, I don't make the trophies, I buy them wholesale from a company in China." "This isn't the can-do attitude I'd expect from a small businessman in today's economic climate." "You should be grateful for my custom." "Well, perhaps I can improvise something suitable." "Well, make sure it looks good." "I don't want some tatty half-baked sex trophy." "I want quality." "Of course, sir." "How about this for starters?" "This is one of our top-of-the-range snooker trophies." "See how the little plastic man is bending over the table." "Yes, he's quite attractive, isn't he?" "As little plastic men go, I'd say he's one of the better-looking ones, sir." "Well, that's good." "He could represent me." "Just what I was thinking." "And have a look at this lady's badminton trophy." "See how the..." "See how the little plastic lady is positioned?" "She looks dirty!" "I'm sure she is, sir." "You know what they say about badminton players." "So, if I just snap her off there and then jam her in..." "..between the snooker player and the table, it looks like they're in some sort of erotic clinch." "It does!" "They look like they're having a whale of a time." "One top-of-the-range sex trophy, sir." "BELL RINGS Oh, there you are, darling!" "I've been looking all over the..." "Well, what's that?" "It's my sex award, remember?" "Just in from China." "I thought you were making that up to impress me." "No, won it fair and square by being the best in the world at shagging." "Oh, we should probably get home then." "Come on!" "# On the floor of Tokyo" "# Down in London town's a go-go" "# Where the record selection" "# And the mirror's reflection" "# I'll be dancing with myself" "# Dancing with myself" "# Dancing with myself" "# Well there's nothing to lose" "# And there's nothing to prove" "# I'll be dancing with myself... #" "Hail, Caesar!" "Hail, Nicholas!" "No, you don't hail me." "Sorry, right." "Remember?" "Sorry." "Shall we try that again?" "Hail, Caesar!" "Hello...or whatever." "That was perfect." "Mighty Caesar, your counsel has devised two further ploys to ensure the success of your parley with Cleopatra." "You mean on top of the hail thing?" "Which was perfect." "Yes, henceforth you're to refer to yourself in the third person." "Right." "OK, so, I what?" "No." "What?" "Instead of saying, "I am listening," say, "Caesar is listening" or "Caesar listens."" "It makes you seem more..." "Mental?" "Important." "Right, so, I..." "No, Caesar." "I thought I was Caesar." "Stop saying I. I see." "Uh..." "Sorry, he sees." "Perfect." "So you say he or one or Caesar." "It makes you seem more imposing." "Right..." "Um." "I see..." "Uh, no..." "Oh, you want Caesar, him, you want him..." "That's it." "..to seem more aloof." "I get it." "Uh..." "What?" "Mighty Caesar!" "Mighty Caesar." "Nessus." "Try it out." "What?" "Oh, Caesar is listening." "What?" "Caesar is listening." "I thought you were Caesar." "No..." "Yes." "Oh, yeah, sorry." "Yes." "Am I?" "But I thought..." "Ah, ah, ah." "But Caesar thought..." "Oh, I get it." "Ah..." "Oh, I mean he gets it." "Ah...." "He means he gets..." "Caesar, from now on, every time you forget to refer to yourself in the third person," "I'm going to blow on this reed." "I don't...." "Caesar understands." "That was perfect." "What's this third person?" "New protocol." "Ah." "You bring news." "Mighty Caesar, I bring you news..." "Ooh, he brings you news..." "Ooh, he brings..." "Sorry, him news." "Nessus?" "I..." "Are we..." "Ooh." "No." "Ah, he..." "But, ooh." "I..." "Sorry, is it?" "What?" "What are you doing?" "We're all referring to ourselves in the third person." "Yes." "No." "Aren't we?" "I mean them." "That was perfect..." "No, you refer to yourself." "I refer to myself." "He refers to himself." "Who, me?" "No, me." "I mean him." "Caesar!" "Oh, are you Caesar?" "Me?" "Oh, I see." "No, you're Caesar." "Me?" "No!" "You?" "You, you Caesar!" "Me?" "What?" "Oh, I get it." "Shut up!" "It's very simple." "Caesar is..." "Oh, I'm..." "He's Caesar and I'm..." "Him." "He's..." "And you're..." "Who?" "Caesar." "Can't we have a gong if we get it right?" "No." "Nicholas, what was the second piece of counsel for the forthcoming parley with Cleopatra?" "Ah, yes." "Don't look down her top." "Caesar disagrees." "Is she awake?" "Did we have a lovely sleep?" "We did, didn't we?" "We had a lovely little snooze." "Shall we put on your pretty dress." "Oh, your pretty dress." "Ready to go to the park." "Do the buttons then." "I'm doing the buttons!" "We'll have a lovely walk to the park." "Oh, I think somebody's nappy might need changing." "Why don't you bloody change it then?" "Screw you!" "Screw you!" "Screw you!" "We'll go to the park and see the ducks and where's the bastard wet wipes?" "Wherever you left them, you dick!" "And the ducks go quack, quack, quack." "Quack, quack, quack." "You've done that all wrong." "Up yours." "Up yours!" "Up yours!" "BOTH:" "Quack, quack." "Peterson, come over here, quickly." "Peterson!" "Psst!" "Come over here." "Shhh!" "Phillips, I'm busy." "This is important, really important." "All right, but make it quick." "Is that what I think it is?" "That's the effect of PTT4 on advanced amyloid proteins on the affected brain tissue, a significant shrinkage." "A cure for Alzheimer's." "It..." "It could be!" "Everyone!" "We could be on the brink of a massive breakthrough." "Guard the door!" "Stop it!" "Get back to your work stations." "Monsieur Garnier will be furious if he sees what you've done!" "Be quiet, Lesley, this is exactly why I got into science in the first place." "He's coming!" "Good morning, Monsieur Garnier." "IN A NORTHERN ENGLISH ACCENT Well, what the 'ell's going here?" "Why are you scientists away from your places?" "This is a laboratoire not a UNESCO conference." "Sorry, Monsieur Garnier." "And Phillips?" "What have we got here?" "I hope for your sake it's something new for the Garnier Fructis range." "It isn't, Monsieur Garnier." "It's..." "What's that, Phillips?" "It isn't, Monsieur Garnier." "It's..." "It's a potential cure for Alzheimer's and..." "Oh..." "I get it." "I get it." "It's this again!" "Now, listen up, scientists, and listen good!" "This is my laboratoire and what I say, goes!" "I don't want you lot wasting your time with medicines and whatnot." "We went through that with Peterson and his perpetual motion device!" "I ask you, does perpetual motion add anything to the Garnier Sleek and Shine series?" "!" "Well?" "!" "ALL:" "No, Monsieur Garnier." "What do we want?" "New products in the Nutrisse collection." "Bang on, Lesley." "And the invention of the word "nutrisse", which sounds like nutrition but doesn't guarantee it, is one of the best things you've ever come up with." "But Monsieur Garnier, we're scientists!" "We need to change the world." "You've got the best scientific equipment money can buy, you employ 3,000 research staff, we've created 521 patents." "This is the finest laboratoire in the western hemisphere." "Surely we can..." "You can change the world with Garnier body cocoon and soft curl cream." "And If you can't take that, you know where the exit door to the laboratoire is." "Yes, Monsieur Garnier." "So, Phillips, are you staying, or are you going?" "I'm staying, Monsieur Garnier." "Take care." "Bargain, bargains, bargains!" "All this week at Didldidi." "There's only one week before the new Trade Descriptions Act comes into force." "That means it's bargains, bargains, bargains week at Didldidi." "Like these popcorn bacon octopus shapes in glitter, only 99p." "This butter-coloured sandwich dressing only 99p." "And 12 litres of value water, now with no bits, only 99p." "You can taste the savings at Didldidi." "So, you made it?" "Glad to do it." "Where's the kid?" "Jason's." "Jason's?" "He's helping out." "Oh, right." "He's helping out." "Susan asked after you." "Who?" "Susan Levy." "Oh, right, Susan." "Your brief reckons you've got a strong case." "Does he?" "SHE SIGHS" "HE SIGHS" "I've had enough." "I've had it up to here." "I feel like... you don't even see me any more." "For a moment you do, but then you don't." "What's going on?" "I want to tell you how I feel." "I feel..." "I feel...trapped." "I said, "I feel trapped!"" "Not just in this prison but in a box, a glass box..." "..and I feel like I'm walking against the wind." "Sort of..." "And I feel like I'm dragging myself up with my two hands from this swamp, but and carrying this heavy weight and I wish I could turn it into a balloon and let go but I feel like I'm being attacked by a swarm of bees." "I just wish I could show you how that feels but I can't because I'm shit!" "Merry Christmas, Hennimore!" "Merry Christmas, sir, and a Merry Go-Home Day." "Ah, yes, Go-Home Day." "The last day before Christmas." "Such a lovely focus for celebration at Amalgamated Perforations." "But, of course, this is still a business day coupled, I hope, with joyous celebration." "Freshen your nog?" "Don't mind if I do, sir." "There's been a last-minute crisis." "We're on the verge of clinching a big deal with the Nigerarian government." "Nigeraria, sir?" "Yes, it's in the Niger area." "Nigeria?" "How much of that have you had?" "The Nigerarian High Commissioner and a delegation of Nigerarian dignitaries will be here at four." "They are a tremendously Christian people and morbidly obsessed with the death of Christ for all our sins." "So, in honour of the occasion, I've commissioned an enormous crucifix." "Praise Santa!" "I was going to get you to organise a traditional Nigerarian dark chocolate Jesus to be hammered on to it with butterscotch nails but I thought, knowing you, we'll end up with a marzipan Buddha." "Very wise, sir." "On an unrelated note, the sexy ladies of the typing pool..." "Incidentally, watch this." "MUSIC PLAYS" "THEY GIGGLE AND SQUEAL" "That's what I've had put in instead of computers." "They certainly are easy on the eye, sir!" "You monster!" "They are human beings, Hennimore!" "Quite right, sir." "Those crumpets will be holding their Annual Reading Of A Christmas Carol" "And Christmas Pudding Eating Go-Home Day Afternoon next door." "I see, sir." "They dress up as ghosts to make it spookier and more festive, and at the climax of the event, on the stroke of four, tradition dictates that the chief ghost - an eyeless ghost for added scariness - hurtles into the room from the corridor," "douses the Christmas pudding with brandy, throws a match onto it and screams, "Go home!"" "Thus signifying the commencement of the Yuletide gap." "What lark, sir!" "I'm glad to hear you say that because you are this year's chief ghost." "Whooh, sir!" "Are you going to be sick?" "No, sir." "Should be fun anyway!" "Watch out for the complete sightlessness that the eyeless ghost costume induces." "I shall be glad to keep you away from the negotiations with the Nigerarians." "That's exactly the sort of thing that you usually screw up." "CHOIR SONG" "ALL:" "Amen." "BELL RINGS" "Go home!" "SQUEALING AND GIGGLING" "SMASHING GLASS" "HENNIMORE!" "But, Clive, we've been beating our heads against this for months and months now and I don't see an end to it!" "There is no end to it." "Can't you see that's all I want?" "SLURRING MILDLY:" "I don't know what you want any more." "I know you don't, Clive, and that's..." "Cut!" "Oh, technical problems." "Hi, Duncan, I wonder if we could go again but with this this time with a bit more emphasis on your line." "Right you are." "No problem." "Susan, would you cue Duncan." "No problem." "HE CLEARS HIS THROAT" "All right." "And...action!" "There's no end to it." "Can't you see that that's all I want?" "SLURRING HEAVILY:" "I don't know what you want any more." "I know you don't Clive." "That's..." "Cut!" "BELL RINGS" "Wonderful!" "Really chilling." "Thanks." "Um, it's great." "I wonder if, just for me, we could rehearse that line a few times." "What we're trying to get across is that, for you, in this relationship, you've just reached this hopeless point." "I think we've all been there, where you just run out of options." "It's like, "I don't know what you want any more."" "SLURRING HEAVILY:" "I don't know what you want any more." "Good." "Even more." "It's like, "I don't know what you WANT any more!"" "SLURRING HEAVILY:" "I don't know what you want any more." "Lovely and it's definitely going in the right direction, but really committed," "I don't know WHAT you WANT any more!" "SLURRING HEAVILY:" "I don't know WHAT you want any more." "Mike, maybe I can help." "Duncan, I think what might is looking for is something a bit more..." "CHEERILY:" "I don't know what you want any more." "Is that the kind of thing?" "Not...not quite." "If anything, it's more," "I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU WANT ANY MORE!" "SLURRING HEAVILY:" "I don't know WHAT you want any more." "CHEERILY:" "I don't know what you want any more." "SLURS:" "I don't know WHAT you want any more." "I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU WANT ANY MORE!" "CHEERY:" "I don't know WHAT you want any more." "SLURRING HEAVILY:" "I don't KNOW what you WANT any more." "It's tricky, isn't it?" "Um... probably..." "Let's just cut the line." "It's not working." "Mike, I'm doing my best!" "I really am." "It's..." "It's just..." "SLURRING HEAVILY:" "I don't know what you want any more." "You're watching the British Emergency Broadcasting System." "Do not be alarmed by the smell." "It is 17,000 new British hours since the event and time for the quiz broadcast." "Hello, remain indoors and welcome." "Try to forget what you saw happening over there last time." "We think we've made it stop." "So, let's say a big Remain Indoors to our two survivors, Peter and Sheila." "APPLAUSE" "APPLAUSE STOPS ABRUPTLY" "You're last remaining contestants, which leaves the game - and for all we know, civilisation - at a very interesting point." "Thinking of breeding at all?" "We tried." "SHE COUGHS" "There was too much sick." "Yes, since the event, sex is certainly a lot more vomity." "Right, tonight's first round is charades." "It's a one-on-one game with the chance to play for tonight's star prize, everything we've got left to eat." "Doesn't that looked good in the circumstances." "It really is all to play for." "Peter, you're the weakest so you go first." "Join me." "Are you nervous?" "No, we all smell like this now." "So we do!" "Try rubbing in some of the brown soap at night before doing up the face-zips on your safety bag." "Sheila, you have to try and guess what Peter is miming." "It could be a book, a film or even a song." "What is a book, a film or even a song?" "We don't know." "So little remains." "OK, I've got something." "Excellent." "One word." "No, two words." "Second word." "First word." "The? "The" something." "Good luck." "What's he thinking of?" "Second word, two syllables, second syllable..." "Up." "Outdoorland." "Ceiling, light, stain, vent..." "Vent?" "The...something...vent." "The... um..." "Vent..." "The..." "Yes?" "Oh, no." "Not that!" "I can't say it." "I need an answer." "But if I say it I might summon it." "I'm going to have to hurry you." "Peter can have the food." "Yay!" "What a good sport!" "Your wife called and said she might pop in on the way home." "My wife?" "What?" "Your wife, David." "Why are you looking at me like that?" "My..." "I haven't got a wife." "What do you mean?" "Have you gone mental again?" "No, have you?" "No." "What are you playing at?" "Your wife left a message..." "Stop saying my wife." "I haven't got a wife." "Don't take it out on me." "If things aren't going well between you and your wife..." "So, who's my wife?" "What?" "Who's my wife?" "Who am I married to?" "Keeley Hawes." "Keeley Hawes?" "Yes." "Keeley Hawes is my wife?" "You're a lucky guy." "Sorry, Keeley Hawes, the actress who used to be in Spooks?" "Yes." "And who married the guy who also used to be..." "No, no." "Well, yes, but they split up and then she married you." "Last year." "It was in the papers." "OK, say I go along with this..." "I don't understand why you're fighting it." "I have no memory..." "She's a very talented, beautiful woman." "Agreed, but I can't help thinking..." "Here she is." "Hey, Robert." "Hi, darling." "Listen, it's just a flying visit." "Bloody Andrew wants me to go and read something for him, there is last night's risotto in the fridge and that nice wine that Sarah bought us." "Don't forget the man's coming about the tree." "All right?" "See you later." "Bye." "See?" "Well, I never!" "Yeah." "Right, I might go for a nice fly." "Oh, hang on." "This is a dream, isn't it?" "Of course it's a dream." "You dreamt the whole thing." "Hey, I'm flying, David!" "Why aren't you flying?" "I can't fly." "What do you mean, you can't fly?" "It's your dream and you can't fly?" "!" "Come on, David?" "Why can't you fly?" "Yeah, David." "Come on, I'm your dream woman." "Come and fly with me." "You're not my dream woman." "What?" "Oh, that's nice!" "I'm sorry but just because you happen to be in a dream..." "That's really nice(!" ") Are you all right, Keeley?" "I'm a bit..." "You bastard!" "It's not my fault." "Come on, Keeley, let's fix you up with Martin Freeman." "Really?" "Yeah." "..which means a better outcome for everyone." "Ladies and gentlemen, that concludes my presentation on the Healthy Homes and Hospitals programme, or..." "..Haitch Haitch Haitch." "Any questions?" "How do you say your acronym again?" "It's Haitch Haitch Haitch." "Thought so." "Bloody hell!" "You just shot Ian." "It's pronounced "aitch"." "Not "haitch", "aitch"." "You can't shoot him just for that." "I just did." "Anyway it's my company, I can do what I like." "But we all signed the "no bullying in the workplace" pledge, which pacifically bans physical violence." "What did you say?" "I said it pacifically bans physical violence." "It's specifically." "With an S." "Specifically." "Bloody hell, Tony, will you stop shooting people for saying things wrong." "You!" "What are you drinking?" "Coffee." "What type?" "It's an expresso." "The word is espresso." "Stop it, Tony." "Come on, you know very well I killed my own wife for ironically saying mispronunciation." "If I apply rigorous standards at home I see no reason why they shouldn't apply in the workplace." "Why'd you have to shoot them?" "Why can't you just sack them?" "Oh, I never thought of that." "Yes, I suppose I could." "It's just the red mist tends to descend whenever I'm confronted with ignorami." "Actually, Tony, I think you'll find it's ignoramuses." "What?" "It's from the Latin, "we are ignorant", that makes it a verb, not a noun." "Oh, no." "What have I done?" "Blimey, least that'll stop him shooting whoever he likes." "It's whomever."