"Ever wonder what it would be like if your 11-year-old kid earned more in a week than you do in a year." "Welcome to my world!" "I'm Tony Carter and this is my house in Milton Keynes, the one with the yellow shed." "That's where my son Harry came up with Honc, an app to help him talk to girls." "It used to be my shed." "I miss my shed." "Anyway, I don't really get social networking." "If I did, I wouldn't drive a minibus for OAPs." "But it seems to have gone massive." "Harry still can't talk to girls, though!" "Now some big tech company wants to pay millions for it." "But will it change us?" "Nah!" "Subtitle by peritta" "Twenty...forty... sixty-five pounds... forty-five...seven pence." "What about a tip?" "Hmm?" "Sorry?" "What?" "A tip." "Tipping is a stealth tax." "Anyhow, it's too much of a ball-ache to work out the percentages." "Ten per cent, Dad." "Just move the decimal point." "You can't move it." "It's printed." "No, you just move it with your mind." "Don't be so tight." "I am not tight!" "I didn't tip before we had money, and I'm not gonna start now!" "Guys, stop throwing bread." "If you throw that piece of bread, I swear to God I will mango chutney you." "Oh, you bloody fish!" "OK." "Too embarrassing." "I'm out of here." "Just the tip on the card." "So, ten per cent." "So move the decimal point." "Six hundred..." "And you know what?" "Just make it £1,000." "Do you wanna take a photo?" "Oh, that backfired!" "I'm so ashamed." "We look like animals." "Guess I have to get used to this sort of thing now I'm a celebrity!" "Are you a celebrity, though?" "This side of my face is on page seven of the local paper." "It doesn't get much bigger than that!" "(DOORBELL)" "I loved that curry house." "Best naan breads in Milton Keynes." "Alright, Oliver?" "Frankly, Liz, no, I'm not." "I don't like to use bad language in front of women and children, but I am, quite frankly, cheesed off!" "It'll have to be a delivery from now on." "Trent has given me quite the tongue-lashing." "What for?" "This!" ""German cannibal eats wife."" "Oliver, why?" "No, this!" "Your restaurant hullaballoo and £1,000 tip!" "Ellie left the tip." "I don't give a fudge!" "Oh, no!" "They know where we live!" "People love Honc because of you, Harry." "The "normal boy"." "You're the brand, and now it looks like you are out of control!" "Get it delivered to work." "Oliver, I'll hold my hands up and say that it was entirely Tony's fault." "No, come on, Tone!" "It'll lose its heat." "Ruined!" "I do, at least, have some good news." "I have arranged a feature and photo shoot for next week's Sunday Times magazine." ""At home with The Carters."" "It will be our chance to show that the Carters are not the sort of family that smashes up a restaurant and then pays them off with a huge tip!" "We will show the Carters are a normal family, hard-working, humble, simple, common!" "Alright, Oliver, we get the point." "# What a man, what a man, what a man" "# What a mighty good man" "# Say it again, now" "# What a man, what a man, what a man... #" "One of the Year 9's are walking towards us." "He's looking at us." "What do we do?" "Honc boy!" "Play dead!" "Saw you in the paper this morning." "Leaving a £1,000 tip!" "I mean, oh, yeah." "No biggie." "A £1,000 tip." "You're alright." "This is amazing." "Hasn't he got magnificent hair?" "If you like that sort of thing." "Come on, we're late for fractions club." "Is it safe to get up now?" "Are you alright, Els?" "Only I've never seen you with a pen before!" "I'm practising my autograph." "It's gonna be tough, being a celebrity." "The autographs, the parties, the charities wanting me to be their patron." "Like Angelina Jolie with the African babies!" "Yeah." "There's two L's in Ellie and no W." "I was thinking we would shoot in here and see the Carters hanging out." "Oh, hello!" "Well, if this room's gonna be in the paper, I'm gonna get a new sofa." "Whoa, there!" "Whoa, there." "This sofa's going nowhere." "Oh, Tony, it's 16 years old!" "Exactly!" "It's vintage." "This sofa is moulded perfectly to the shape of my bum and Harry was conceived on it." "How do you know?" "You were at work!" "(CHUCKLES)" "This sofa's got character!" "And you can't put a price on that." "Well, Argos did, and even then it was reduced!" "# Come here, sister" "# Papa's in the swing" "# He ain't too hip... #" "Yeah." "Cool." "# He ain't no drag" "# Papa's got a brand new bag. #" "Where the hell is my sofa?" "It's here." "You're on it." "This has always been your sofa." "Liz!" "Alright!" "I bought a new sofa." "But look at it!" "I mean, this is what I call a sofa." "It's got a mini fridge!" "No!" "Where's my sofa?" "Tony, it was old and knackered." "I'm old and knackered!" "What, are you gonna trade me in?" "Eh?" "For a newer model?" "A younger red-leather me with a mini fridge?" "Tony, you've stopped making sense." "I loved that sofa like a child." "Which one - clever or pretty?" "Alright." "More than my kids." "Yeah." "So, where is it?" "It'll cost you 150 notes." "What?" "!" "Is this, by any chance, because my son is a famous millionaire?" "Yeah." "Hi." "I'm sure you're really busy, but I was wondering if I could have a minute of your time?" "Oh, my days!" "I knew this would happen!" "Well..." "The charity's called Panda Awareness." "Now, did you know that there are only 1,800 giant pandas left in the wild?" "Hey, that's loads!" "No, they're actually on the verge of extinction." "Aw!" "Poor pandas!" "Yeah." "But just five pounds a month could make a massive difference." "Right." "OK." "So, sorry... but what will the pandas actually spend the five pounds on?" "Why don't we set up a direct debit?" "I do not know what that is." "But I promise, as patron saint of pandas, that I will do whatever it takes to stop them from being extincted." "What in the name of Professor Brian Cox have you done to your hair?" "What, this?" "It's nothing." "It's not nothing." "Well, you know, things change." "Hey, Honc boy." "You live in a mansion, right?" "Of course I own a mansion." "It's in the country." "My other house is just my Milton Keynes party pad." "Party at yours Saturday, then?" "It stinks of the tip, Tony!" "You did this, Elizabeth." "You were the one that cruelly tossed her aside like a... a...thing!" "You can shove that sofa right up..." "Hoi!" "Hoi, hoi, hoi." "Hoi, come on, now." "Hoi!" "Hoi!" "This has to stop." "She chucked my sofa!" "I don't give a flip!" "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry for swearing." "Really, look at yourselves!" "Honc needs you to be a happy, normal family and you are at each other's throats!" "It's his fault!" "The house stinks!" "Yes." "But there is a worse smell in this house, Elizabeth." "The smell of disharmony." "He's right." "Maybe you need some time to relax." "This weekend?" "What a marvellous idea!" "My parents used to do something similar." "Whenever I was home from boarding school, they would take themselves off for a spa weekend." "But we can't afford a spa holiday!" "Honc will pay." "Absolutely." "But... we can't go away, Oliver." "Who's gonna look after the kids?" "Ellie?" "No, no, no." "I will do it." "You'd like that, wouldn't you, guys?" "Yeah?" "Hanging around with your cool Uncle Oliver while your mum and dad have some time off together." "Oh, go on, Tone!" "I've always wanted a spa weekend." "I'll do that thing I only do on your birthday." "You've twisted my arm." "I'll go and pack!" "And that goes back to the dump, yeah?" "Yeah, yeah, whatever." "Wow!" "Dad really loves cake!" "Yeah, he does." "Look at this place, Tone!" "It's like Downton!" "Welcome to Toverley Manor." "Ooh, champagne!" "Whoa, whoa, whoa." "You probably have to pay for that." "It's free!" "Don't you know how these places work?" "It's free, isn't it?" "No." "It's for..." "Too late!" "Right, guys." "Set your phasers to fun!" "Because boring old Mum and Dad are gone and your cool Uncle Oliver is in the house!" "I'm busy." "Too busy for fun?" "I've got a ton of research to do." "I got hold of these two documentaries." "Kung Fu Panda and Kung Fu Panda 2." "Sorry, my bears need me." "(DOORBELL)" "Hey, guys!" "Wow!" "Natasha, I didn't know you were coming!" "You?" "Actually here?" "This is quite small for a mansion." "I didn't realise we were expecting guests." "Ooh, we could play parlour games." "Hunt the Thimble, Stand Up, Jenkins." "Tie Up Oliver And Put Him In A Cupboard..." "No, thanks." "Not that one!" "Not that game!" "Dude, your butler's well gay." "I'm not actually his butler." "I know. .." "Sorry." "'There's a bath in the middle of the room!" "'" "It's a bit much, innit?" "And the bed is bigger than our garage!" "Oh!" "Ooh." "I don't want to get ahead of myself, but I might never leave this bed." "Oh, come off it." "It can't be that comf..." "Ohhhh." "Ooh!" "Room service!" "How much for peanuts?" "!" "Oh, don't be so tight!" "I am not tight!" "Five quid for peanuts is robbery!" "Yeah, but we are sort of millionaires, now." "So every now and then, we should just enjoy the money and splash out on things like peanuts... or a pony." "Oi!" "Oi!" "Good evening." "Good evening." "Hello, there." "Good evening." "Nice to see you." "Good evening." "Welcome." "Welcome." "What are you doing here?" "Why didn't you tell us about your party?" "Your so-called best friends read it on Honc." "It's on Honc?" "!" "(ROWDY SHOUTING)" "Ah." "Hello." "Hello." "Oh." "More guests, Harry." "At this rate, we're going to need another thimble!" "Will you ask them to send some more champagne?" "And some more champagne, please." "(TIPSY) Can I have some more champagne, please?" "Right." "Hold the champagne." "Just a big bottle of water, yeah?" "Thanks." "Do you know what, it's the first time since we had Ellie I've been relaxed!" "I know a way you can be even more relaxed." "Oh, yeah?" "Yeah!" "(SHE GIGGLES)" "Oh..." "Oh, God, that is really good." "Ooh..." "Push your thumb in." "Ahhh!" "You were right, Liz." "We should enjoy the money every now and again." "The new sofa can stay." "(LOUD PARTY MUSIC)" "I don't want to worry you, but the rate of guest arrival has gone exponential." "Within four hours, all of Milton Keynes will be in this house." "Can you guys help me get rid of them?" "But we're just nerds." "You know who can help?" "Your new cool friends." "You're the guy who owns this house, aren't you?" "We're gonna use the big bed upstairs." "Harry, this is mayhem, Harry." "These people are animals, Harry." "I only hope Ellie is alright upstairs." "All done, sir." "Mmm." "Thank you very much." "I love you." "Oh, er..." "Sorry, I just meant "Thank you"." "(What's he doing?" ")" "I think you're meant to tip him." "You are the tightest man on Earth!" "I'm not tight." "It's a stealth tax!" "Anyway, I just can't..." "Why are you taking the dressing gown?" "It's free!" "And the lamp?" "Don't you make this about me, Tone." "(SILENT)" "(MUSIC BLARES OUT)" "Sorry." "Hey, that's your plate, though." "That's cool, isn't it?" "That's fine." "Hey, everyone!" "It's cool to smash stuff here." "It's all Harry's." "Harry." "Harry!" "I think you need to ask your friends to leave." "I can't." "There's bigger boys." "You do it." "I can't." "There's bigger boys." "No." "No, I can." "I can do this." "Come on." "Come on." "Come on." "What are you doing?" "I'm stuck in some sort of loop." "I..." "I..." "I..." "No." "Come on." "Get on with it." "Get on with it." "Alright, now." "Listen up, chaps." "I'm terribly sorry." "I don't want to be, you know, "that guy", but you are all leaving." "Er, right now, I'm afraid, or you will have me to answer to." "Stop it!" "Get off!" "It's what people do, you tight-arse." "I don't care." "I don't ask for tips on the Bell A Bus." "I'd be too ashamed." "Is that the hotel DVD player?" "They expect you to take souvenirs." "(LOUD MUSIC)" "Wa-hey!" "Great party." "Out!" "OK, Tony." "Just stay calm." "It's alright, Liz." "I got this." "(MUSIC STOPS)" "Hi, everyone." "Hope you had a great night, but the party's over, now." "You've got ten seconds." "Anyone still in the house after that, I will attack with a hammer." "So..." "Ten!" "Nine, eight, seven, six..." "I'm serious!" ".." "Five..." "Bye!" "Bye." "Bye." "Bye, then." "Sorry about your toilet." "Oh, God!" "Right." "Ellie, Harry!" "Oh, my God!" "What's happened to the house?" "Was it wolves?" "I'll tell you what's happened." "You've had the last house party you are ever gonna throw, Missy." "Me and your father are very disappointed in you!" "What are you on about?" "I haven't had a house party!" "Have I?" "It was me." "Harry, you don't have to lie to protect your sister, OK?" "It takes more than two friends to create this sort of damage!" "No, it was me." "One day, son, you'll have enough friends for a party." "But we know it was your sister." "It was me." "I was trying to be cool, and I wish I hadn't." "I've learned my lesson, now, and I'll pay for everything." "Too right, you will." "And you are grounded for three months!" "Look at the state of this place." "OK, look, maybe it's not so..." "My sofa!" "Oh, my little fridge!" "No!" "Right!" "You are grounded for another three months on top of those other three months." "That means you're grounded now for five..." "Six!" "Yeah." "Six months you're grounded for!" "Where the hell is Oliver?" "I want to hit someone!" "(MUFFLED) Er, I'm in here!" "Evening!" " Are you alright?" " Not really, no." "No." "No, truth be told, this has raised some rather upsetting memories for me." "This is you looking after the kids, is it?" "I couldn't apologise more, really." "It wasn't his fault." "It was me." "I can't believe you thought it was me." "Why do I get blamed for everything?" "You don't." "You should be more responsible." "She doesn't get blamed for everything." "(ALL TALK AT ONCE)" "ENOUGH!" "Everybody be quiet!" "Now, I know we all have a lot to say, but there is the rather more urgent matter that in..." "..eight hours, a reporter is coming to do a feature on what a normal, everyday family you are!" "So perhaps we could focus our efforts on making this place look a little bit less like a crack den!" "Oh!" "Er..." "Good one." "Um..." "That was massive!" "They didn't even mention my work with pandas!" "Good morning, Carters!" "And what a beautiful morning it is!" "The sun is shining." "Mr Magpie is going about his business." "The rabbits, as rabbits are wont to do..." "So Trent liked the article, then?" "He loved it!" "He said, "T.A.W.G.A.I.L.I."" "What?" "!" ""The article was great and I loved it." Ha!" "Trent is only speaking in acronyms at the moment." "He thinks it will make him live longer." "Because he's an F.I!" "Yeah!" "So if everything's OK, I probably don't need to be grounded!" "Ha-ha-ha!" "Think again." "What are we gonna do about the sofa situation, Tony?" "We can't carry on like this." "It looks like we're at an AA meeting!" "150, yeah?" "It's 300, now." "Subtitle by peritta"