"♪ Family Guy 9x07 ♪ Road to the North Pole Original Air Date on December 12, 2010" "Hi." "I'm Ron MacFarlane, Seth MacFarlane's father." "And I'm here to tell you the story of a very special Christmas in Quahog." "Kenny Rogers was supposed to be here, but I think he's dead." "Anyway, Seth came out of my penis, and now he made this." "RON:" "Our story begins in Quahog just before Christmastime." "The town was blanketed with snow, the trees were being trimmed, and everyone was making up their Christmas lists." "♪ Jessica Biel and Megan Fox ♪" "♪ wearing nothing but their socks ♪" "♪ is all I really want for Christmas this year!" "♪" "Well, that's just not practical." "♪ Spending a week in Mexico ♪" "♪ with some black guys and some blow ♪" "♪ is all I really want for Christmas this year!" "♪" "Oh, that sounds terrific." "How about you, kids?" "♪ I would like a pair of skates. ♪" "♪ Then I'd go out skating. ♪" "♪ But I really don't know how to skate!" "♪" "Ha-ha!" "♪ I want a Lexus all in pink, ♪" "♪ and a dad who doesn't drink. ♪" "♪ Oh, and that reminds me..." "Twelve kegs of beer!" "♪" "♪ All these happy wishes and lots of Christmas cheer is ♪" "♪ all I really want this year!" "♪" "Santa's got his work cut out for him." "Oh, we ain't even gotten started yet." "♪ I want to tour the Spanish coast. ♪" "♪ Lunch with Michael Landon's ghost. ♪" "♪ That's all I really want for Christmas this year!" "♪" "Wait." "What?" "Forget it." "Keep going." "♪ Jennifer Garner in my bed. ♪" "♪ Softer voices in my head. ♪ â™ª That's all I really want for Christmas this year!" "â™ª â™ª Yellow cake uranium. â™ª" "♪ Never mind the reason. ♪" "♪ Also Chutes and Ladders and a ball!" "♪" "(laughing)" "♪ Doesn't this seem like too much stuff?" "♪" "♪ Poo on you, it's not enough!" "♪" "♪ Buddy boy, I got your Christmas right here!" "♪" "♪ All these happy wishes ♪" "♪ and lots of Christmas cheer ♪" "♪ is all I really want this year!" "♪" "I'm just saying, it seems a bit excessive." "Oh, get off your soap box, Brian." "It's Christmas." "And Christmas is about gettin'!" "Everyone in town knows that!" "♪ Japanese girls with no restraint ♪" "♪ just to choke me till I faint ♪" "♪ is all I really want for Christmas this year!" "♪" "Ooh, giggity!" "♪ Platinum-plated silverware. ♪" "♪ Just one day when kids don't stare. ♪" "♪ That's all I really want for Christmas this year!" "♪" "♪ If you put a Christmas tree in the public airport, ♪" "♪ I will go to court and sue your ass!" "♪" "Happy holidays!" "♪ Wouldn't I love a tinker toy. ♪" "♪ And a little drummer boy. ♪" "♪ He can either tap his drum or my rear. ♪" "♪ All these happy wishes and lots of Christmas cheer ♪" "♪ is all I really want this year!" "♪" "♪ I want a golden mustache comb. ♪" "♪ And some spermicidal foam. ♪" "♪ That's all I really want for Christmas this year. ♪" "♪ I want a brand-new pitching wedge. ♪" "♪ I would like more Lemon Pledge. ♪" "♪ That's all I really want for Christmas this year. ♪" "♪ I just want a wedding ring ♪" "♪ from someone named Jeffrey. ♪" "♪ I just want some colored Easter eggs. ♪" "♪ I want a Blu-Ray of The Wiz. ♪" "♪ We don't know what Christmas is!" "♪" "♪ We have something else called Gishgemfloofneer!" "♪" "♪ All these happy wishes and lots of Christmas cheer ♪" "♪ is all I really want this year!" "♪" "I am so excited to see Santa Claus." "You know what I think is really wonderful?" "Of all the malls in this great country of ours, he chooses to come here." "Year after year." "You know, I mean, who..." "Who are we?" "You know?" "I'll tell you who we are..." "The lucky ones." "Uh-oh." "Oh, my God, look at the line." "Damn it, we're gonna be here forever." "Hey, wait, look!" "There's Quagmire, way up front." "We can cut in line with him." "Uh, wait, Stewie." "He doesn't like me so mu... (sighs)" "Glenn?" "Glenn Quagmire?" "Wha..." "Wow." "What..." "What are you doing here?" "Oh, hi, Brian." "Just waiting for Santa, like everyone else." "Wow, cool." "Cool." "Oh, man, we'll just hang with you guys here." "Who's this little guy?" "Huh?" "Is this your nephew?" "Hey, buddy, you here to see Santa?" "Yeah." "I hope you've been a good boy this year." "That little guy is my niece Abby, you douche." " Her hair's short because of the chemotherapy." " Uh-oh." "Do you know how much talking it took to get her out of the house because of her no-hair?" "Oh, gosh, I..." "I didn't know." "I'm so..." "I'm so sorry." "Oh, you're sorry?" "For..." "For what?" "That waiting in line is such a catastrophe for you that you'd rather destroy the confidence of a five-year-old cancer patient?" "Oh, come on." "I..." "I didn't know she was dying." "Who said anything about dying?" "!" "Uncle Glenn, am I dying?" "No, sweetheart, you're not dying." "'Cause we're gonna see Santa, and he's gonna bring you a new brain." "Get out of here, Brian." "Just get out of here." "Should have gone into politics, Bri." "Now we got to go to the back of the line." "What the hell!" "Why isn't it moving?" "I don't know." "It's always the same thing." "Some fat kid sitting on Santa's lap taking all day." "Yeah, yeah." "And I want a Charles in Charge lunch box and I want a Magna Doodle and a new Uno game on a 'cause of I lost the "Draw 2" card." "And I want a pet animal that's half chinchilla and half mink, 'cause it'd be really soft, and I could call it chink, and that's okay." "Geez, doesn't the mall close soon?" "We've been here forever." "Would you relax?" "We're right here." "I'm next." "(camera shutter clicks)" "Hello, Santa." "Now, um, we've got a slight problem here, because I have been rather naughty." "But you're a business man, I'm a business man." "I'm sure we can work..." "something... out." "Wait." "What are you doing?" "Santa?" "You can't leave now!" "Hey, wait..." "Wait, buddy, buddy, we've been in line for, like, two hours." "Sorry." "I'm done." "You want your kid to sit on my lap, meet me at the bar at Applebee's." "Aw, that sucks." "Sorry, Stewie." "That son of a bitch." "He just turned his back on me." "The way reality turned its back on Gary Busey." "How am I doing today, Gary Busey?" "You're doing great!" "Good!" "Then I'll keep it up!" "Hey, give me your keys." "I need your car." "What?" "You're not taking my car." "Very well, then." "You're driving me." "Let's go." "Dri..." "Driving you where?" "To the North Pole to see Santa Claus." "If that beslubbering, onion-eyed maggot-pie thinks he can just blow me off like that, he's got another thing coming." "Look, Stewie, I know you're disappointed that you didn't get to see Santa, but I..." "I'm not driving you to the North Pole." "Everyone, Quagmire's niece is in the ICU." "Now, I think we should go down there to support him." " Wh..." "What?" " Yeah, apparently, something happened at the mall, and she took a turn for the worse." "They don't know how much time she has left." "Quagmire just called." "He's really upset." "It doesn't sound like he wants us there for some reason, but..." "But we should go anyway." "All right, let's go to the North Pole." "And so Brian and Stewie set off on the road to the North Pole." "Hey, you want to hear a real live-action fart instead of one of those fake cartoony ones?" "(breaking wind)" "We're gonna need another pair of pants..." "And another chair." "Hey, Stewie, wake up." "We're here." "We're at the North Pole." "Oh, uh." "What?" "What?" "What?" "Uh, North Pole?" "North Pole!" "North Pole!" "There it is!" "My word, I really must have been asleep!" "Ah, look at this." "The tip of the Earth, Brian." "Okay, let's go see Santa Claus." "All right, let's go." "Well, this is rather festive, isn't it?" "Small." "Well, it has to be small because of all the tiny elves." "Ah, that's right." "Good." "Good point." "Elves." "MAN:" "Yo, yo, what's up, y'alls?" "Y'alls ready to kick it in some fine North Pole gear?" "Brian, why does the North Pole have black teenagers?" "Uh... 'cause..." "From, uh, Katrina?" "Ah, of course." "All right." "Well, uh, I just have one more question, then." "(yelling):" "Do you think I'm an idiot?" "!" "Huh?" "Do you?" "Look, Stewie, the North Pole is a long and dangerous..." "You can't jerk me around when it comes to Santa Claus, Brian!" "There is a Ferris wheel here, and a guy hosing vomit!" "Nobody vomits at the North Pole!" "Except for Santa's wife" " because she has an eating disorder!" " What?" "Yeah, 'cause he can have anyone he wants, and she knows that!" "Stewie, just pull yourself together." "I won't, Brian!" "Now you get your ass back into that hippie car of yours and take me to the North Pole now!" "Look, I know you're upset, but why..." "Why don't you just sit down, write out your Christmas list, and I promise I will mail it to Santa Claus?" "Screw that." "This was never about Christmas presents, Brian." "Well, then why do you want to go all the way to the North Pole?" "Because..." "I'm going to kill Santa Claus!" "RON:" "So it turned out Stewie was determined to kill Santa Claus." "Would he succeed?" "Well, let's find out." "Wait a minute, why the hell do you want to kill Santa?" "Because that fat bastard blew me off at the mall, and he shall not go unpunished." "Now, let's go." "I've got it all planned out." "I'm gonna see the workshop, pet a few reindeer, take a few pictures of me and Santa, and then I'm gonna blow his brains out, hopefully with his bitch wife watching." "This is ridiculous..." "We are not going to the North Pole." "Trust me, it's a waste of time..." "You're not gonna find Santa." " Why not?" " Because there's no such..." "Because when you get there, you may find out it isn't what you thought it was, and I wouldn't want you to be disappointed." "That's it?" "That's your reason?" "Well, you know, you know why nothing works out for you, Brian?" "Because you've got a negative attitude." "Like Eeyore." "Come on, Eeyore, let's go play." "I don't feel like it." "Why are you always in such a bad mood?" " I have a nail in my anus." " Oh." "That's not fair." "I don't think I have a negative attitude." "I just..." "I..." "I don't think it's a good idea for us to embark on a potentially dangerous journey whe..." "Stewie?" "(truck horn blows)" "STEWIE:" "Say yes to life, Brian!" "I'll be home for Christmas." "Son of a bitch!" "(tires squealing)" "So, what are we hauling, good buddy?" "Oh, I got a flock of birds that were too tired to fly back north." "Boy, this is the way to do it, huh, Jerry?" "Sure is." "Think this makes us lazy?" "Nah, we're still in the V-shape." "(wind whistling softly)" "What is this?" "This is a weird gun." "Yeah." "Don't touch that." "Oh, it's a flare gun." "Maybe you should put that back." "I'm just holding it." "Is this the trigger?" "(screaming)" "(tires screeching)" "Oh, my God, Stewie, you all right?" "What the hell happened?" "Eh, just some stupid stuff went down." "You could have been killed!" "I could have been killed!" "Look at my car!" "Well, you know, if you had just taken me to the real North Pole to see Santa, none of this would have happened!" "Wh..." "Wh..." "What is this?" "What are you doing?" "Hitching a ride." "I'm gonna keep heading north until I find Santa." "Stewie, you're not gonna find him." "You do what you want, Brian, but I am going to the North Pole and I'm gonna kill that bastard!" "Stewie, you're putting me in a hell of a position here, but I have no choice." "You're not gonna kill Santa Claus, because he doesn't exist." "(chuckling):" "R..." "R..." "Really, Brian?" "He doesn't exist?" "That's right, he's not real." "Oh, interesting." "Interesting theory, Brian." "Um, who else isn't real, hmm?" "You gonna tell me that Elmo isn't real?" "Huh?" "SpongeBob?" "Is he not real, Brian?" "Is..." "Is SpongeBob not there at the bottom of the ocean giving Squidward the business?" "Hmm?" "And what about Curious George?" "Huh?" "Does he not really exist?" "Hmm?" "Is Curious George not really out there making little boats out of newspapers that he should be delivering?" "Huh?" "Educate yourself, you fool." "Look, Stewie, if you'd just listen for a sec..." "No, you listen, Brian!" "I'll tell you what, you take me to the North Pole, and if Santa isn't there, I'll do something for you." " What?" " When Lois does that middle-of-the-night feeding where she doesn't even open her eyes or really wake up," "I'll let you take that one for me, Brian." " Are you serious?" " Quite." "Okay, you got a deal." "Damn it, it won't turn over." "Great!" "Not even halfway through Canada, and we're stuck." "Oh, hey there." "You having some car troubles, eh?" "Yeah, we're trying to get to the North Pole." " I don't suppose you're from Triple A, are you?" " Who?" "Triple A, you know?" "AAA." "Oh, AA, eh?" "Yeah, I just came from AA." "No, not AA." "AAA." "Yeah, that's what I said..." "AA, eh?" "Oh, so you are with Triple A?" "Oh, no, that's AAA." "I just came from AA, eh?" " Huh?" " Stewie, I think he's just a drunk." "Well, drunk or not, can you help us?" "I can if you want to join AA, eh?" "No, I'm already a member of AAA." "I need help with the car." "Oh, I see." "Yeah, looks like you got some water leakage." "You might need a hose, eh?" "Jose, Roberto, whatever..." "If you've got some Latinos up here that can fix cars, that'd be great." "No, I mean, it looks like you need a part, eh?" "Well, yeah, when it's fixed, we can celebrate, but let's deal with first things first." "Well, I can probably take you to a gas station, eh?" " You have cash, eh?" " I don't know, my name carries a little weight, but I don't see how that matters here." "Look, we don't have enough cash to fix the car, and we're kind of on our way to the North Pole." "Oh, a car won't take you there, anyway." "But if you like, you can take my snowmobile." "Really?" "You'd just..." "give it to us?" "Oh, sure, that's what Canadian hospitality's all about." "If you like, you can have all my money and my leg." "Okay." "(snowmobile rumbling)" "Why'd we take his leg?" "Well, we're in their country, Brian..." "We have to observe their customs." "Oh!" "Oh, dear." "Well, at least we're done with the first leg of our journey, Brian." "Ha!" "Damn right, ha." "Brian, how long do you think we've been driving?" "I don't know, I've lost track." "Besides, dogs don't have a good sense of time." "Could be three hours, could be three years," "I don't (bleep) know." "Well, we must be pretty far north by now." "Yeah, you're right." "Look..." "There's the aurora borealis." "Yes, and there's the aurora Boreanaz." "Hi there." "Things are kind of beautiful up north, huh?" "Oh, no!" " What's the matter?" " We're out of gas." "Out of gas?" "But, Brian, it's freezing out here!" "What are we gonna do?" "I don't know." "We'd better think of something." "DAVID:" "Maybe I can help." "There's an old, abandoned hunting cabin about two miles north of here." "You could spend the night there and then resume your journey in the morning." "Thanks, David." "Guess there are a few stars in the sky tonight." "(chuckling)" "Come on." "Come on, now." "Okay, we'll leave you alone." "(wind howling)" "All right, this should do for the night." "Look, Stewie, now that we have a moment," "I think we should really try to call Lois and tell her where we are." "Oh, don't worry..." "I've got that covered." "Hey, Lois, would you make an appointment for me to be neutered in two days?" " Well, are you sure, Brian?" " Yes, I'm sure." "And whatever I say in two days, do not let me convince you that I've changed my mind." "Wow, you sound pretty serious about this, Brian." "Oh, I am." "In fact, I have this document that legally binds me to same." "Have you had it notarized?" "No." "But a notary should be here any minute." "I received a call about notarizing a document, but I am spending the day with my family, so they are here, too." "This is my wife, Janice, my daughters, Lisa and Jane, and this is Rosalyn, a friend of our daughter Jane's." "Her family life is rough, so we are kind of like a second home." " Robert!" " Well, it's true." "Well, thank you for taking the time to notarize this important document." "I'm sure you are quite busy." "Yes." "We only have a moment, for we are taking a bus tour of Providence and other places." "The next morning, Stewie and Brian set out on foot for the North Pole." "They were cold and tired, but Stewie was determined to carry out his plan to kill Santa Claus." "As long as I've got all you people watching, does anyone want to buy some pot?" "(wind howling)" "My God!" "We made it, Brian!" "The North Pole!" "See?" "Boom!" "Right there!" "I told you!" "This is where Santa Claus lives!" "In your face!" "I don't believe it." "It's here." "Damn right, it's here!" "Now, while you think about the fact that you're never going to enjoy a nocturnal breast-feeding from Lois," "I shall open the gate." "(metallic clank)" "This can't be it." "This can't be Santa's workshop." "This looks like Bridgeport, Connecticut." "Oh, boy, get ready for the letters." "Dear Family Guy bastards, who the hell do you think you are?" "I'll have you know that Bridgeport is among the world leaders in abandoned buildings, shattered glass, boarded-up windows, wild dogs and gas stations without pumps." "So eat my (bleep), Jew writers." "Well, whatever sort of trick this is," "I will not be deterred." "I'm not leaving until Santa Claus is dead by my hand!" "(knocking)" "(door creaking)" "Oh, my God!" "You're..." "You're Santa Claus!" "Yeah." "Who are you?" "I'm Stewie Griffin, and I'm going to kill you!" "(sighs) Ah..." "Thank God!" " What?" " Do it!" "Please!" "Put me out of my misery!" "You... want me to kill you?" "(muffled):" "Come on!" "What are you waiting for?" "!" "Pull the trigger!" "Well, there isn't a great deal of sport in that." "(coughing, wheezing)" "Oh, my God, are..." "Are you all right?" "(hacking)" "I'm okay." "(hoarsely):" "I'm okay." "(hacking)" "I just need to catch my breath." "I..." "I don't understand." "I thought you were supposed to be jolly and happy." "I used to be, a long time ago." "I made toys for little boys and girls." "I loved my work, and they loved me." "But it just got out of hand." "The world's population kept growing and growing." "Kids wanted more toys, fancier toys!" "We used to make wooden choo-choos and rag dolls." "You ever try to make an iPod?" "I've got orders for millions of 'em!" "Oh, that reminds me..." "I need a new version of Quicken." "Look at the toxic waste we're producing." "(liquid splashing, gas hissing)" "In fact, I think the toxins are taking even more of a toll than the inbreeding." " Inbreeding?" " Take a look!" "I started with one family of magic elves, and every year I needed more and more to keep up." "Now they're just a sickly race of mutated genetic disasters." "At least 60% of them are born blind." "(shrieking)" "The workload destroys them, but they don't know anything else." "It's gotten so their instincts take over, and near the end, they just walk out into the snow and die." "(deep growl)" "Then the reindeer eat them, which has turned the reindeer into wild, feral creatures with a blood-lust for elf flesh." "(growling)" "I don't even pray for them anymore." "Seems pointless." "What God would allow this?" "This is in none of the songs or poetry." "It's a horror show up here!" "How could you let this happen?" "Me?" "I didn't do this." "Christmas did!" "♪ Each bell would peal with a silvery zeal ♪" "♪ as the holiday feeling was filling us. ♪" "♪ But now instead all we're feeling is dread ♪" "♪ because Christmastime is killing us!" "♪" "♪ Each Christmas list gets us more and more pissed ♪" "♪ till the thought of existence is chilling us. ♪" "♪ I'll tell you what, shove your list up your butt ♪" "♪ because Christmastime is killing us!" "♪" "♪ But can't you see that ♪" "♪ what you do is a dream come true?" "♪" "♪ Can't you see that ♪" "♪ every smile makes it all worthwhile?" "♪" "♪ No, screw you. ♪" "♪ It's all but through. ♪" "♪ There's too much to do. ♪" "♪ All those dreams are nightmares ♪" "♪ and blank icy stares!" "♪" "♪ Each little elf used to fill up a shelf ♪" "♪ making playthings and selflessly thrilling us. ♪" "♪ Now they're on crack, and it feels like Iraq ♪" "♪ because Christmastime is killing us!" "♪" "♪ Each model train only heightens the pain ♪" "♪ of a workload that's draining and drilling us. ♪" "♪ Fingers all bleed and look, that guy just peed ♪" "♪ because Christmastime is killing us!" "♪" "♪ But can't you see our point of view?" "♪" "♪ We rely on you. ♪" "♪ Can't you see that Christmas cheer ♪" "♪ gets us through the year?" "♪" "♪ My whole crew is black and blue. ♪" "♪ Can't you take a clue?" "♪" "♪ You may think I look great, but I'm 28. ♪" "♪ Each jingle bell is a requiem knell. ♪" "♪ And while you think it's swell we are toiling in Hell. ♪" "♪ Take a look, you can tell as a man I'm a shell ♪" "♪ because Christmastime is killing us!" "♪" "♪ Killing us!" "♪" "♪ Christmastime is killing us!" "♪" "(coughs)" "So Brian and Stewie found Santa Claus, but he sure wasn't what they expected." "It turned the increasing demands of Christmas had all but destroyed the poor old man." "Okay, look at this." "Somebody gave me a little remote control helicopter." "Pretty cool, huh?" "(rattling, thud)" "Oh, it's broken." "I don't know, boys, he's in rough shape." "Doctor, you've got to do something for him." "It's Christmas Eve." "Christmas is the problem." "He can't keep this pace up anymore." "If he goes out tonight, he'll die." "Well, then who's gonna deliver all the presents?" "We will." " What?" " What?" "Stewie, look, you were right." "Santa is real." "And he needs our help." "Don't worry, Santa." "We'll make sure there's a Christmas this year." "Thank you, Brian." "That brings me peace in this hour." "I'll be with Allah soon." "What?" "Uh, ye..." "He doesn't know what he's saying, he's delirious." "Look, you'd better get moving." "All right, Stewie, let's go get the sleigh ready." "Is anyone else a little freaked out by that Allah thing?" "Never mind that, let's just get going." "(engines rumbling)" "All right, Brian." "Let's do this." "(reins snap)" "Go on." "(reins snap)" "Giddy-up." "(reins snap)" "Come on, you dumb deer." "(reins snapping)" "It's not working." "I think they need to be coaxed." "Santa said they eat elf flesh." "Uh, oh, oh, excuse me?" "Uh, sir?" "Mr. Elf, sir?" "Hello?" "Young man?" "I..." "I don't think he even knows where he is." "Do..." "Do you want to just..." "Yeah, I mean, uh, I'll just..." "try and do it, I guess." "Hey." "Hey, fella?" "Um..." "Okay." "Bye." "(snarling)" "(sleigh grazes smokestack)" "Hey, Brian, look." "That one reindeer just kind of pooped in the other reindeer's face, and..." "And the other reindeer just kind of ate it." "Isn't Christmas magical?" "All right, according to this map, we're approaching the northeast coast of the U. S." "Get ready to land." "All right, Bri, this is it, our first town." "I'm gonna head for that roof." "Why are we tilting?" "Look, I've never landed one of these things before, okay?" "BRIAN:" "You're coming in too fast!" "Look out!" "(both screaming)" "All right, this is good." "In and out of this house and onto the next one." "What about the reindeer?" "Yeah, we'll cut them down afterwards." "Now let's get down the chimney." "Ow!" "You bitch!" "Okay, let's get the presents under the tree." "All right, you have 'em?" "I thought you had them." "Oh, for the love of God, they're still in the sleigh." "Aw, crap." "On the roof?" "(loud metallic scraping)" "No, it's..." "It's in the yard." "Oh, my God." "Didn't you unlock the door when we left?" "No, you were the last one out!" "Well, how the hell are we gonna get back inside?" "All right, find a rock." "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!" "What are you doing?" "I'm putting out the presents." "Not like that you're not." "Tall in the back, short in the front." "And show some care, for God's sake." "You know, those..." "Those aren't socks and underwear donated by the fire department to some battered women's shelter." "Those are Santa gifts, Brian." "You know, you..." "You have to..." "Wait." "What..." "What are you doing?" "Did you just eat that whole cookie off the mantel?" "What?" "They left it out for Santa." "We're Santa." "Yeah, but you're not supposed to eat all of it." "You take a bite and a sip of milk." "That's how the kids know Santa was here!" " Don't yell at me." " I'm not yelling at you." "I'm just..." "I'm telling you how it's done." "They..." "They need some kind of indication that Santa was here." "Oh, okay, how about this?" "Look." " Hey, now they know he was here." "See?" " Stop it!" "Look, I'm here giving out free presents!" "All right, I'll eat the damn cookies if I want!" "You know what?" "I might even make a sandwich!" "Wait." "Where are you going?" "I'm going into the kitchen." "I'm gonna make a sandwich, get some chips or something." "Brian, knock it off!" "Aw, man." "You jackass!" "Hey, who the hell are you?" "Uh..." "Hello?" "What are you doing in my house?" "We're Santa Claus... ses." "Yeah, you're Santa Claus." "That's why you broke in through the window." "I'm calling the cops." "No, no, no." "I..." "I can explain." "We..." "We came down the chimney, but we..." "We forgot the presents." "It's..." "It's actually..." "It's kind of a funny story..." "What the hell did you do?" "!" "He was gonna call the cops, man!" "You can't call the cops on Santa." "Now help me move this guy's body!" "Ugh!" "He's still alive." "All right, tie him up." "I'm gonna make it look like a burglary." "All right, look, let..." "Let's just go." "Right, right." "We'll go." "I'm gonna rewrap this bat for, um, Johnny." "Let me just clean his father's blood and hair off it." "GIRL:" "Daddy, I want a drink of water." "(bleep)" "Hey, there." "How you doing?" "Who are you?" "I'm Santa." "You're Santa?" "!" "(gasps):" "Who are you?" "Where's Dan?" "(gasps) Oh, my God!" "(crying) Oh, crap!" "(grunting)" "Quick, Stewie!" "Get the bat!" "Help!" "Help!" "(groans)" "Mommy!" "(sobbing) It's okay." "It's okay." "Brian, see if you can find some duct tape." "Oh, my God!" "Oh, my God!" " GIRL:" "Mommy!" " Oh, my God!" "Oh, my God!" "Mama!" "All right, let's get this place cleaned up." "All right, that's the last of the blood." "Go check on the other kid." "What other kid?" "Johnny, the one who's getting the bat." "Stewie, there's only one bedroom up here." "What?" "Do you have a brother?" "Well, then who the hell is John...?" "Oh, my God, we're in the wrong house." "(sirens blaring)" "Damn it, we tripped the alarm." "Brian, the cops are coming." "Let's go!" "What?" "We're just leaving like this?" "What about not wanting to ruin Christmas?" "!" "It's already ruined!" "This was one house." "We've been here for an hour and a half!" "An hour and..." "First of all, we're not even Santa anymore." "This has been a home invasion." "But an hour and a half, Brian!" "It's gonna be light in six hours, and we have to deliver to the whole rest of the world!" "There's two apartment buildings on this block alone!" "No wonder Santa lost his mind." "This is ridiculous!" "We can't do this!" "Nobody can." "It's inhuman!" "All right, come on, let's get out of here!" "Aw, damn, what about the reindeer?" "The hell with the reindeer!" "Look, they're all eating each other, anyway!" "(growling)" "Besides, we don't need 'em." "I made a few modifications." "Hang on." "(whirring)" "(sirens blaring)" "That was a disaster." "I can't believe it." "We were supposed to save Christmas, and we completely blew it." "We failed Santa." "No." "No, we didn't fail Santa." "The world failed Santa." "He gives and gives and gives, and everyone just takes him for granted." "Hell, I..." "I didn't even think he existed until last night." "Well, what are we supposed to do now?" "Christmas is doomed." "Maybe, but there is one thing we can do." "Move over." "(whirring and whooshing)" "(silly giggling)" "(gasps)" "Lois!" "There's no presents under the tree!" "What?" "Oh, my God." "Joe, did you get any Christmas presents?" "!" " JOE:" "No!" " QUAGMIRE:" "Me, neither!" "MORT:" "I got eight mediocre things." "Good morning, Quahog." "Our top story today..." "Santa Claus skips Christmas." "Hopeful citizens worldwide woke up to disappointment this morning when they discovered no gifts from Santa under their Christmas trees." "Local officials are going with the theory that everyone was bad this year." "The investigation continues into this mysterious..." "Wait!" "I know what happened to Christmas!" "Brian?" "!" "(gasps) Santa Claus!" "That's right!" "It's Santa Claus." "And you've got to listen to me." "The reason there was no Christmas this year is that this man is sick." "Very sick." "And he needs our help." "He's been bludgeoned by years of greed and avarice." "The workload of filling our Christmas lists has overwhelmed him." "And at the rate he's going, he may not make it another year." "But there's a way for us to help him." "If all of us everywhere can just cut back our demands and ask for only one Christmas present every year, there may still be hope." "I know it's in our nature to resist sacrifice, even in hard times, but if we don't, we may have to give up Christmas altogether." "Well, folks, you heard it here first on Channel Five News." "Looks like we have a choice." "One Christmas gift a year for each one of us." "Can we live with that?" "I can." "So can I." "Me, too." "I can, too." "I can live with that." "Count me in." "One is enough." "Aye." "I can." "One gift is okay." "I can live with it." "Okay, just one." "But if it's a gym membership, somebody's getting punched in the (bleep) face." "♪ We can get out of any mess ♪" "♪ if we learn to live with less. ♪" "♪ And with Santa's love there's nothing to fear. ♪" "♪ All these happy wishes and lots of Christmas cheer ♪" "♪ is all I really want this year!" "♪" "(burps)"