"Good evening." "In the late 1960s, a comic force emerged which was so original, so zany, so fabulously different, that many people felt that the world of entertainment had been changed forever." "Intelligent, some would say even intellectual, yet massively popular." "Subtle, but also simple." "Dangerous, but warm." "Visual, but still enormously literate." "Big-hearted, generous, anarchic, and above all, funny." "Brilliantly funny." "But enough about me." "What about this Monty Python crowd?" "Well, some people like 'em, I guess." "The pythons" "Undoubtedly one of the greatest writer/performer teams of the 20th century." "Young, talented, and virile, and incredibly, they were British." "Six fantastically gifted, unforgettable guys" "John, Paul, George, Ringo..." "Bob, and..." "One other unforgettable guy." "They were tall, they were beautiful, they were crazy." "I'm not going to say that bit." "I can't." "Because it's a lie, that's why." "I'll tell you why I can't say it." "Because it's not in my" "I love them." "Over the next hour," "I'm going to be showing you a selection of the very best of Monty Python's work." "Much of it has been seen before." "In fact, many, many, many, many times before." "But never in this form." "But first, we have a little surprise for you." "Some brand-new Monty Python material never before seen in this country." "If you've never seen Monty Python before, you won't have never seen anything like this." "Enjoy." "[William Tell overture plays]" "Hooray, you've done it!" "Well done!" "[speaking foreign language] [moo] [moo] [moo] [moo] [moo] [moo] [speaking foreign language]" "Ha ha ha ha!" "Ha ha oh ho!" "Oh, dear, oh, dear." "Monty Python-- nutty, zany, crazy." "[poot]" "Welcome to Munich for the 27th Silly Olympiad, an event held traditionally every 3.7 years, which this year has brought competitors" "From over four million different countries." "Here we are at the start of the first event" "The semi-final of the 100 yards for people with no sense of direction." "I'll present the competitors" "Lane 1, Kolomowski." "Lane 2, Zatapathique." "Lane 3, Grobovich." "Next to him, Drabbel." "Next to him, Clanades of Spain, and in the outside lane, Bormann of Brazil." "[gunshot]" "Well, that was fun, wasn't it?" "And now, over to the other end of the stadium." "We're waiting for the start of the 1,500 meters for the deaf." "They're under starter's orders." "[gunshot]" "We'll be coming back the moment there's any action." "Over to the swimming." "You join us at the absurd pool just in time for the 200 meters freestyle for non-swimmers." "Watch for the top Australian champion Ron Barnett in the second lane." "[blows whistle]" "We'll be bringing you back here the moment they start fishing the corpses out." "Now over to Hans Kleig for the marathon for incontinents..." "Well, we've got an enormous entry-- 44 competitors from 29 different countries, all of them with the most superbly weak bladders." "Not a tight sphincter in sight." "Ready to embark, nevertheless, on the world's longest race, and they're just aching to go." "Get set." "[gunshot]" "And they're off!" "They're off!" "Well done." "Back at the 1,500 meters, and the starter's putting up a magnificent show." "Get set!" "We've had scattered random fire, fusillade, firing." "We can't get the buggers moving." "It's enough to make you chew your own foot off." "We're back with the marathon for incontinents." "There's Polinsky in the lead." "Now Aburro has taken over!" "There's the runner from France!" "Aburro has overtaken him!" "There goes Byrd!" "There goes Gurney of Austria!" "Now it's Olvares of Cuba, followed by the Norwegian." "There's McNorton, McNorton, the Scottish lad, but he can't hold it." "Makiovich of Yugoslavia has taken the lead." "These must be some of the weakest bladders ever to represent their countries." "Stand and deliver!" "Drop that gun!" "[gunshot]" "Let that be a warning to you all." "No false moves, please." "I want you to hand over all the lupines you've got." "Lupines?" "Yes, lupines." "Come on, come on." "What do you mean, lupines?" "Don't try and play for time." "You mean the flower lupines?" "That's right." "We haven't got any lupines." "Look, my fine friends, I happen to know" "That this is the lupine express." "You're out of your tiny mind." "Get out of the coach." "Come on, get out!" "Just as I thought." "Not clever enough, my fine friends." "Come on, concord." "# Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore # # riding through the night # # soon every lupine in the land # # will be in his mighty hand # # he steals them from the rich # # and gives them to the poor #" "# mr." "Moore # # mr." "Moore # # mr." "Moore # [moaning]" "Try to eat some, my dear." "It'll give you strength." "Oh, mr." "Moore." "Mr. Moore, she's going fast." "Don't worry, I've..." "I've brought you something." "Medicine at last?" "No." "Food?" "Nope." "Some blankets perhaps?" "Clothes?" "Wood for the fire?" "Nope." "Lupines." "Oh, christ!" "I thought you'd like them." "I'm sick to death of them!" "So am I!" "She's bloody dying, and all you bring is lupines!" "All we've eaten for the last four bleeding weeks is lupine soup, roast lupine," "Steamed lupine, braised lupine in lupine sauce, lupine in a basket with sautéed lupines, lupine meringue pie, lupine sorbet." "We sit on lupines, we sleep in lupines, we feed the cat on lupines!" "We burn lupines, we even wear the bloody things!" "Looks very smart." "Shut up!" "We're sick with their stench!" "[meow] [thud]" "Look!" "The cat's just choked itself to death on them!" "I don't care if I never see another lupine again!" "Why don't you go out and steal something useful?" "Like what?" "Like gold and silver and clothes and wood and jewels" "Hang on, I'll get a piece of paper." "# Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore # # dum dum dum the night #" "# Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore # # dum de dum dum plight # # he steals dum dum dum # # and dum dum dum dum dee #" "# Dennis dum #" "# Dennis dee # # dum dum dum #" "In this picture, there are 40 people." "None of them can be seen." "We hope to show you how not to be seen." "This is mr." "E.R. Bradshaw of Napier Court," "Black Lion Road, Southeast 5." "He cannot be seen." "Now, I'm going to ask him to stand up." "Mr. Bradshaw, will you stand up, please?" "[gunshot]" "This demonstrates the value of not being seen." "In this picture, we cannot see mrs." "B.J. Smegma of 13, The Crescent, Belmont." "Mrs. Smegma, will you stand up, please?" "[gunshot]" "This is mr." "Nesbitt of Harlow New Town." "Mr. Nesbitt, will you stand up, please?" "Mr. Nesbitt has learned the first lesson of not being seen" "Not to stand up." "However, he has chosen a very obvious piece of cover." "Mr. E.V. Lambert of Homeleigh," "The Burrows, Oswestry, has presented us with a poser." "We do not know which bush he is behind, but we can soon find out." "Aah!" "Yes, it was the middle one." "[orchestra plays Blue Danube]" "Oh, no, not again." "Oh, come on." "Stand and deliver again!" "Your money, your jewellery, your--hang on." ""Your clothes, your snuff," ""your ornaments, your glassware," ""your pussycats..." "Don't say anything about the lupines." "Your watches, your lace, your spittoons..."" "# Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore # # riding through the woods #" "# Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore # # with a bag of things # # he gives to the poor # # and he takes from the rich #" "# Dennis Moore #" "# Dennis Moore #" "Here we are." "# Dennis Moore #" "[Also Sprach Zarathustra plays]" "[crowd cheers]" "Good evening." "Tonight is indeed a unique occasion in the history of television." "We are very privileged and deeply honoured to have with us in the studio Karl Marx, founder of modern socialism and author of the communist manifesto," "Vladimir Ilyich Ulyanov, better known to the world as Lenin, leader of the Russian revolution, writer, statesman, and father of modern communism," "Che Guevara, the Cuban guerrilla leader, and mao tse-tung, leader of the Chinese communist party since 1949." "The first question is for you, Karl Marx." "The Hammers." "The Hammers is the nickname of what English football team?" "The Hammers?" "No?" "Well, bad luck there, Karl." "So we'll go to you, Che." "Che Guevara, Coventry City last won the F.A. Cup in what year?" "No?" "I'll throw it open." "Coventry City last won the F.A. Cup in what year?" "I'm not surprised you didn't get that." "It was, in fact, a trick question." "Coventry City have never won the F.A. Cup." "With the scores all equal, we go on to our second round." "Lenin, it's your starter for 10." "Teddy Johnson and Pearl Carr won the Eurovision Song Contest in 1959." "What was the name of the song?" "Teddy Johnson and Pearl Carr's song" "In the 1959 song contest?" "Anybody?" "No?" "[buzzer]" "Yes, mao tse-tung?" "Sing, little birdie?" "Yes, it was, indeed." "Well challenged." "Well, now we come to our special gift section." "The contestant is Karl Marx, and the prize this week is a beautiful lounge suite." "Karl has elected to answer questions on the workers' control of factories, so here we go with question number one." "Are you nervous?" ""The development of the industrial proletariat is conditioned by what other development?"" "The development of the industrial bourgeoisie." "Yes." "Yes, it is, indeed." "You're on your way to your lounge suite, Karl." "Question number two" ""The struggle of class against class is a what struggle?"" "A political struggle." "Yes, yes." "One final question, Karl, and the beautiful lounge suite will be yours." "You going to have a go?" "You're a brave man." "Karl Marx, your final question" ""Who won the cup final in 1949?"" "Uh, the workers control the means of production." "The struggle of the urban proletariat." "No." "It was Wolverhampton Wanderers who beat Leicester 3-1." "[announcer] And here come the Germans now, led by their skipper Nobby Hegel." "They've certainly attracted the most attention from the press with their team problems." "Let's now see their line-up." "The Germans playing 4-2-4, Leibniz in goal," "Back four--kant, Hegel, Schopenhauer, and Schelling," "Front runners Schlegel, Wittgenstein, Nietzsche, and Heidegger, and the midfield duo of Beckenbauer and Jaspers." "Beckenbauer obviously a bit of a surprise there." "[crowd cheers]" "And here come the Greeks, led by their veteran centre half Heraclitus." "Their team, as you'd expect, is a much more defensive line-up." "Plato's in goal, Socrates a front runner," "And Aristotle as sweeper" "Aristotle very much the man in form." "One surprise is the inclusion of Archimedes." "Here comes the referee K'ung Futzu Confucius and his two linesmen Saint Augustine and Saint Thomas Aquinas." "As the two skippers come together to shake hands, we're ready for the start of this exciting final." "The referee mr." "Confucius checks his sound... [blows whistle]" "And they're off." "Nietzsche and Hegel there." "Karl Jaspers number 7 on the outside." "Wittgenstein there with him." "There's Beckenbauer." "Schelling's in there, Heidegger covering." "Schopenhauer." "And now it's the Greeks-- Epicurus." "Plotinus number 6." "Aristotle." "Empedocles of Acragas and Democritus with him." "There's Archimedes." "Socrates--there he is-- Socrates." "Socrates there going through." "There's the ball." "There's the ball." "There may be no score, but there's certainly no lack of excitement here." "Nietzsche has just been booked for arguing with the referee." "He accused Confucius of having no free will, and Confucius, he say, "Name go in book."" "We've just over a minute left." "There's Archimedes." "And I think he's had an idea." "Eureka!" "Archimedes, Socrates, Socrates back to Archimedes." "Archimedes to Heraclitus." "He beats Hegel." "Heraclitus a little flick." "Here he comes on the far post" "Socrates is there!" "Socrates has scored." "The Greeks are going mad." "Socrates scores." "The Germans are disputing it." "Hegel is arguing reality is Merely an a priori adjunct of non-absolutist ethics." "Kant is holding that logic can be possessed only in the imagination." "But Confucius blasts them with a final whistle." "It's all over." "Morning, squadron leader." "What-ho, Squiffy?" "How was it?" "Top hole." "Bally jerry pranged his kite right in the how's your father." "Hairy blighter, dicky-birded, feathered back on his sammy, took a waspy, flipped over his betty harper's, and caught his can in the bertie." "Uh, afraid I don't quite follow you, squadron leader." "Give us it slower." "Banter's not the same if you say it slower." "Hold on, then." "Wingo." "Bend an ear to the squadron leader's banter, would you?" "Can do." "Jolly good." "Fire away." "Bally jerry..." "pranged his kite... right in the how's your father..." "Hairy blighter..." "dicky-birded... feathered back on his sammy..." "Took a waspy... flipped over on his betty harper's... and caught his can in the bertie." "No, I don't understand that banter at all." "Something up with my banter, chaps?" "[airplane overhead]" "Bunch of monkeys on the ceiling, sir!" "Grab your egg and fours and let's get the bacon delivered." "Do you understand that?" "No, not a word of it." "Sorry, old man." "We don't understand your banter." "You know, bally ten-penny ones dropping in the custard." "I still don't get it." "Um..." "Cabbage crates coming over the briny?" "No." "No." "No." "Ferdinand von Zeppelin was born in Constance in 1838, the brother of Barry Zeppelin, the least talented of the 14 Zeppelin brothers." "Hmm." "What exactly are the commercial possibilities of ovine aviation?" "Bonsoir." "Ici nous avons les diagrammes modernes d'un mounton Anglo-Francais." "[continues in French]" "Maintenant..." "Baa baa baa..." "Nous avons dans la tete," "Le cabine." "Ici, on se trouve le petit capitaine Anglais monsieur Trubshawe." "Vive Brian, wherever you are." "D'accord, d'accord." "Maintenant, je vous presente mon collegue, le pouf celebre Jean-Brian Zatapathique." "Merci." "Maintenant, le mouton, le landing, les wheels." "Bon." "Les wheels, ici." "C'est formidable, n'est ce pas est bon?" "[continues unintelligibly]" "Baa baa baa." "Le derriere du mouton..." "Choo choo choo." "Merci beaucoup." "Mais..." "Où sont les bagages?" "Où sont les bagages?" "Où est le voyageur?" "Le voyageur." "Merci." "Les voyageurs!" "Les bagages!" "Ils sont ici!" "Et maintenant..." "Baa baa." "Baa baa." "Baa baa." "Fantastique." "Un, deux, trois." "Baa baa!" "Baa baa!" "[music plays]" "And now for something completely different." "Gentlemen, we have two basic suggestions for the design of this architectural block" "The residential block." "I thought it best that the architects themselves came in to explain the advantages of both designs." "[knock on door]" "That must be the first architect now." "Ah, yes, it's mr." "Wiggin of Ironside and Malone." "Good morning, gentlemen." "This is a 12-story block, combining classical neo-Georgian features with all the advantages of modern design." "The tenants arrive in the entrance hall, are carried along the corridor on a conveyor belt, and pass murals depicting Mediterranean scenes, towards the rotating knives." "The last 20 feet of the corridor are heavily soundproofed." "The blood pours down these chutes, and the mangled flesh slurps into these" "Excuse me." "Did you say knives?" "Oh, rotating knives." "Yes." "Are you proposing to slaughter our tenants?" "Does that not fit in with your plans?" "No, no." "We wanted a simple block of flats." "I see." "I hadn't correctly divined your attitude towards your tenants." "You see, I mainly design slaughterhouses." "Yes, a pity." "This is a real beaut." "None of your blood caked on the walls and flesh flying out of the windows, inconveniencing passers-by." "Well done, but we did want a block of flats." "Won't you reconsider?" "Think of the tourist trade." "It's just that we wanted a block of flats and not an abattoir." "Yes, well, of course." "That's the sort of philistine, pig ignorance I've come to expect from you non-creative garbage." "You sit there on your loathsome, spotty behinds squeezing blackheads, not caring a tinker's cuss about the struggling artist." "You excrement!" "You lousy, hypocritical, old whining toadies with your lousy colour TV sets and your Tony Jacklin golf clubs and your bleeding masonic handshakes!" "You wouldn't let me join, would you?" "You blackballing bastards!" "I wouldn't become a freemason now if you went down on your lousy, stinking, purulent knees and begged me!" "We're sorry you feel like that, but we did want a block of flats, nice though the abattoir is." "Oh, pfft the abattoir." "If you could put in a word for me," "I'd love to be a freemason." "If I was a mason," "I'd sit at the back and not get in anyone's way." "Thank you." "I've got a second-hand apron." "Thank you." "I nearly got in at Hendon." "Thank you." "I'm sorry about that, gentlemen." "The second architect is a mr." "Leavey of Wymis and Dibble." "Good morning, gentlemen." "This is a scale model of the block." "There are 28 stories with 280 modern apartments." "There are three main lifts and two service lifts." "Access would be from Dibbingley Road." "Uh, the structure is built on a central pillar system with cantilevered floors in prestressed steel and concrete." "The dividing walls on each floor section are fixed with recessed magnalium flanged groov" "By avoiding wood and timber derivatives and all other inflammables, we've almost totally removed the risk of..." "Quite frankly, I think the central pillar system may need strengthening a bit." "Won't the cost rise?" "It might." "Well, I don't know whether I'd worry about strengthening that much." "They're not meant to be luxury flats." "I quite agree, provided the Tenants are of light build and relatively sedentary." "I think we're on to a winner." "Oh, thank you!" "What other ways are there of recognizing a mason?" "Good morning." "I'm sorry to have kept you waiting, but I'm afraid my walk has become rather sillier recently, so it takes me rather long." "Now, then, what was it again?" "Well, sir, I-- I have a silly walk, and I'd like to obtain a government grant to help me develop it." "May I see your silly walk?" "Yes, certainly." "Yes." "Uh, that's it, is it?" "Yes." "That's it." "Yes." "Mm-hmm." "It's not particularly silly, is it?" "The right leg isn't silly at all, and the left leg merely does a forward aerial half turn Every alternate step." "With backing, I could make it very silly." "The very real problem is one of money." "I'm afraid the ministry of silly walks is no longer getting the support it needs." "You see, there's defence, social security, health, housing, education, silly walks." "They're all supposed to get the same, but last year, the government spent less" "On the ministry of silly walks than it did on national defence." "Now we get £348 million a year, which is supposed to be spent on all our available products." "Coffee?" "Yes, please." "Mrs. Two-Lumps, would you bring us in two coffees, please?" "Yes, mr." "Tea Bag." "Out of her mind." "And now the Japanese have a man who can bend his leg back over his head and back again with every single step, while the Israelis-- ah, here's the coffee." "Thank you." "Lovely." "You're really interested in silly walks, aren't you?" "Oh, rather." "Well, take a look at this, then." "They're under starter's orders for this very valuable Queen Victoria handicap." "And they're off." "Queen Victoria got a clean jump off, followed by Queen Victoria, Queen Victoria, and Queen Victoria." "It's Queen Victoria, Queen Victoria, and Queen Victoria making the early running on the inside." "At the back, Queen Victoria already behind the leaders." "Queen Victoria moved up to challenge Queen Victoria with Queen Victoria losing ground." "Queen Victoria still the back marker as they approach the halfway mark," "But suddenly pass Queen Victoria with Queen Victoria still well-placed as they approach the first fence." "And at the first fence, it's Queen Victoria ahead of Queen Victoria and Queen Victoria falling away." "Queen Victoria losing ground, and Queen Victoria tucked away neatly." "Queen Victoria still the back marker as they approach the halfway mark." "They're making ground... [knock on door]" "Oh, dad." "Look who's come to see us." "It's our Ken." "[spits]" "About bloody time, if you ask me." "Aren't you pleased to see me, father?" "Of course he's pleased to see you." "All right, woman." "All right." "I've got a tongue in me head." "I'll do the talkin'." "Bli'." "I like your fancy suit." "Is that what they're wearin' up in Yorkshire now?" "It's just an ordinary suit, father." "It's all I've got apart from the overalls." "How do you like it down in the mine?" "It's not too bad, mum." "We're using new tungsten carbide drills for the preliminary coal-face operations." "That sounds nice, dear." "Tungsten carbide drills?" "What the bloody hell's tungsten carbide drills?" "It's something they use in coal mining." ""It's something they use in coal mining."" "You're bloody fancy talk since you left London." "Not that again." "He's had a hard day." "His new play opens at National Theatre tomorrow." "Oh, that's good." "Good?" "Good?" "What do you know about getting up at 5 A.M." "to fly to Paris, back at the old Vic for drinks, sweating the day through press interviews, television interviews, then getting back to wrestle with the problem of a homosexual nymphomaniac drug addict involved in the ritual murder" "Of a well-known Scottish footballer?" "That's a full working day, lad!" "Don't shout at the boy, father." "Hampstead wasn't good enough for you, was it?" "You had to go poncing off to Barnsley, you and your coal mining friends." "Coal mining is a wonderful thing, father, but it's something you'll never understand." "Just look at you!" "Oh, ken, be careful." "You know what he's like after a few novels." "Come on, lad." "Come on." "Out with it." "What's wrong with me?" "Yer tit!" "I'll tell you what's wrong" "Your head's addled with novels and poems." "You come home reeling of Chateau La Tour." "Look what you've done to mother." "She's worn out meeting film stars, attending premieres, giving gala luncheons." "There's naught wrong with gala luncheons, lad." "I've had more gala luncheons than you've had hot dinners." "Oh, please!" "Aah!" "Arrgh!" "Oh, no!" "What is it?" "It's his writer's cramp." "You never told me about this." "We didn't like to, Kenny." "I'm all right, woman." "Just get him out of here." "Oh, Ken, you'd better go." "All right." "I'm going." "After all we've done for him." "One day you'll realize there's more to life than culture." "There's dirt and smoke and sweat!" "Get out, you labourer!" "We'll continue with a man with a stoat through his head." "And now..." "Oh, coochy, coochy, coochy." "Wuchy little bitty jelly bum." "# ah dee do yellow # # dear little fellow #" "Look at them blue eyes." "Twinkle in his eye." "This is a sweetie baby." "Come here." "Let me give him a cuddle." "He's a little dear, isn't he?" "You shouldn't let him suck on the thumby, my dear." "Oh, my god!" "No!" "Don't touch it!" "[pop] What?" "Oh, yes, he's such a clever little boy, just like his father." "Do you think so, mrs." "Nigger-Baiter?" "Oh, yes." "Spitting image." "Good afternoon, mother." "Good afternoon, mrs." "Nigger-Baiter." "Ooh, he's walking already." "Yes, he's such a clever boy, aren't you, coochy-coo?" "Hello, oochy-coo." "Hello, oochy coochy." "Look at him laughing." "He's a chirpy little fellow, isn't he?" "Isn't he a chirpy little fellow?" "Does he talk?" "Does he talk, eh?" "Of course I can talk." "I'm minister for overseas development." "Ooh, he's a clever little boy!" "He's a clever little boy." "Do you like your rattle, eh?" "Do you like your rattle?" "Look at his little eyes following it." "Look at his iggy piggy Piggy little eyeballs." "Ooh, he's got a tubby tum-tum." "Mother, could I have a quick cup of tea?" "I have an important statement on Rhodesia to make at the Commons at 6:00." "[explosion]" "Mrs. Nigger-baiter's exploded." "Good thing, too." "She was my best friend." "Oh, mother." "Don't be so sentimental." "Things explode every day." "I've been a hunter all my life." "I love animals." "That's why I like to kill 'em." "I wouldn't kill an animal I didn't like." "G'day, Roy." "Hank and Roy Spim are tough, fearless backwoodsmen who have chosen to live in a violent, unrelenting world of nature's creatures where only the fittest survive." "Today, they are off to hunt mosquitoes." "[Roy] The mosquito's a clever little bastard." "You can track him for days until you really know him." "He knows you're there, and you know he's there." "It's a game of wits." "You hate him, then respect him, then you kill him." "Suddenly Hank spots the mosquito they're after." "Now, more than ever, they must rely on skills they have learned from a lifetime's hunting." "Hank gauges the wind." "Roy examines the mosquito's spoor." "Then..." "It's a success." "The mosquito now is dead." "But Roy must make sure." "[Roy] There's nothing more dangerous than a wounded mosquito." "But the hunt is not over." "With well-practiced skill, hank skins the mosquito." "The wings of a fully grown male mosquito can fetch anything up to .8 of a penny on the open market." "The long day is over, and it's back to base camp for a night's rest." "[snoring]" "[loud banging]" "What--what's going on?" "What the hell is going" "Now I can't even sleep." "[snoring]" "What--what are they doing?" "[snoring] [clang]" "Wh--ab--da--bada" "What's going on?" "Oh, I can't stand it." "Oh... [snoring]" "[alarm clock rings] Oh!" "That does it." "That does it!" "Argh--humph" "What a lovely day!" "Oh, I think I'm going to..." "I say!" "What a simply super day!" "Gosh, yes!" "Gosh, yes!" "It's so..." "You know..." "Sunny!" "Yes, isn't it?" "I say, anyone for tennis?" "Oh, super!" "What fun." "I say, Lionel." "Catch." "Ohh!" "Oh, crikey!" "Oh, darn!" "Aah!" "Aah!" "Aah!" "Aah!" "Oh..." "Oh..." "Oh!" "Ah, yes, you must be mr." "Williams." "Well, do take a seat." "What seems to be the trouble?" "I've just been stabbed by your nurse." "I probably better have a look at you, then." "Could you fill in this form first?" "She just stabbed me!" "Yes." "She's an unpredictable sort." "You seem to be bleeding rather badly." "Hurry up." "Fill in that form." "Couldn't I fill it in later, doctor?" "No." "You'd have bled to death by then." "Can you hold a pen?" "I'll try." "Jolly good." "It's a hell of a nuisance, all this damn paperwork." "Really, it is." "It's a real nightmare, this paperwork." "It really is a hell of a nuisance." "Something ought to be done about it." "Do I have to answer everything?" "No, no." "Just fill in as many as you can." "No need to go into too much detail." "I don't know why we bother with it all, really." "Such a nuisance." "Well, let's see how you've done, then." "Oh, yes." "Oh, dear, oh dear." "That's not very good, is it?" "Look, surely you knew number four!" "No, I didn't." "It's from the Merchant of Venice!" "Right." "Now, I know some hospitals where you get the patients lying around in bed, sleeping, resting, recuperating, convalescing." "Well, that's not the way we do things here, right?" "No, you won't be loafing about, wasting the doctor's time." "You--you horrible little cripple!" "What's the matter with you?" "Fractured tibia, sergeant." ""Fractured tibia, sergeant."" ""Fractured tibia, sergeant."" "Oh..." "Proper little mummy's boy, are we?" "Well, I'll tell you something, my fine friend." "If you fracture a tibia here, you keep quiet about it!" "Look at him!" "He's broke both his arms," "And he don't go shoutin' about it, do he?" "No, 'cause he's a man" "He's a woman, you see" "So don't come with that broken-tibia talk with me!" "Get on at the double." "1, 2, 3." "Pick that crutch up." "Pick that crutch right up!" "Oh..." "I got a triple fracture of the right leg, dislocated collarbone, and multiple head injuries..." "So I do most of the heavy work, like helping the surgeon." "[interviewer] What does that involve?" "Well, at the moment, we're building him a holiday home." "What about the nurses?" "Well, I don't know about them." "They're not allowed to mix with the patients." "Do all the patients work?" "No." "The ones that are really ill do sport." "Yes, one thing patients here dread are the runs." "Inspector." "I'm terribly sorry, but I was sitting on a park bench, took my coat off for a minute, then found my wallet stolen and £15 taken from it." "Well, did you, uh, see anyone take it?" "Anyone hanging around?" "No." "There was no one there." "Well, there's not very much we can do about that, sir." "Oh." "Do you want to come back to my place?" "Yeah." "All right." "[whistling]" "There." "Finished." "What?" "I've finished cutting, cutting, cutting, cutting your hair." "You haven't started cutting it." "I--I have." "I did it quickly, your honour--sir!" "Look here, old fellow," "I know when a chap's cut my hair, so will you please stop Fooling around and get to it?" "Yes, I will, sir." "I'm going to cut your hair, sir." "Going to start cutting your hair, sir." "Start cutting..." "Now." "[snip snip snip snip snip snip]" "Nice day, sir." "Yes." "The flowers could do with a drop of rain." "You see the match last night, sir?" "Uh, good game, I thought." "[shaver sounds] Hurst played well." "Beg your pardon?" "I thought Hurst played well." "He was the only one who did." "Can you put your head down a little, sir?" "I prefer to watch Palace nowadays." "Oh, sorry." "Was that your ear?" "No." "Didn't feel a thing." "Hey, what's going on?" "Look, I came here for a haircut!" "Yes, it's a nice spot." "It looks nice, sir." "It's the same as when I came in." "I confess, I haven't cut your hair." "I hate cutting hair." "I have this terrible un-un-un-- uncontrollable fear whenever I see hair." "As I kid, I hated seeing hair being cut." "My mother said I was a fool." "She said to cure it I had to become a barber, so I spent five ghastly years at the hairdressers' training centre at Totnes." "Can you imagine what it's like cutting the same head for five years?" "I didn't want to be a barber, anyway." "I wanted to be a lumberjack..." "Leaping from tree to tree as they float down the mighty rivers of British Columbia." "The giant redwood, the larch, the fir," "The mighty Scots pine." "The smell of fresh-cut timber." "# ahh # the crash of mighty trees." "With my best girlie by my side." "# ahh # we'd sing, # ahh # sing, sing." "# la la la #" "# I'm a lumberjack, and I'm O.K. #" "# I sleep all night, I work all day # # he's a lumberjack, and he's O.K. # # he sleeps all night, and he works all day #" "# I cut down trees, I eat my lunch #" "# I go to the lavatory # # on Wednesdays I go shoppin' # # and have buttered scones for tea # # he cuts down trees, he eats his lunch # # he goes to the lavatory #" "# on Wednesdays he goes shoppin' # # has buttered scones for tea # # he's a lumberjack, and he's O.K. # # he sleeps all night, and he works all day #" "# I cut down trees, I skip and jump #" "# I like to press wild flowers #" "# I put on women's clothing # # and hang around in bars # # he cuts down trees, he skips and jumps # # he likes to press wild flowers # # he puts on women's clothing #" "# and hangs around in bars # # he's a lumberjack, and he's O.K. # # he sleeps all night, and he works all day #" "# I cut down trees, I wear high heels # # suspenders and a bra #" "# I wish I'd been a girlie # # just like my dear mama # # he cuts down trees, he wears high heels # # suspenders... # # and a bra #" "# I wish I'd been a girlie # # just like my dear mama #" "Oh, Bevis!" "And I thought" "You were so rugged!" "Dear sir," "I wish to protest in the strongest possible terms." "Yours sincerely, brigadier sir Charles Arthur Strong." "Read that back, will you, Brown?" ""Dear sir, I wish to complain" ""about the song which you Have just broadcast" ""about the lumberjack who wears women's clothes." ""Many of my friends are lumberjacks," ""and only a few are transvestites." "Yours faithfully, brigadier sir Charles Arthur Strong. (mrs.)"" "Coming to this cinema soon, the tender, compassionate story of one man's love for another man in drag." "Jordan!" "Thrill to the excitement of a night emission over Germany when the pilot Jennifer has to choose between his secret love for Louis, the hot-bloodedly bisexual navigator," "And Andy, the rear gunner, who, though quite assertive with girls, tends to take the submissive role in his relationships with men." "With ginger as the half-man, half-woman parrot whose unnatural instincts brought forbidden love to the aviary." "And Roger as pip," "The half-parrot half-man, half-woman, three-quarter-badger, ex-bigamist, negro preacher, for whom banjo playing was very difficult, and he never mastered it although he took several courses and went to banjo college, uh, and everything." "Don't miss it!" "Coming to your cinema soon, only five minutes from this restaurant." "Morning." "Morning." "What you got?" "Well, there's egg and bacon, egg, sausage, and bacon, egg and spam, egg, bacon, and spam, egg, bacon, sausage, and spam, spam, bacon, sausage, and spam," "spam, egg, spam, spam, bacon, and spam, spam, spam, spam, egg, and spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, baked beans, spam, spam, spam, and spam," "Or lobster thermidor aux crevettes with a mornay sauce garnished with truffle pate, brandy, and a fried egg on top and spam." "Have you got anything without spam in it?" "Well, there's spam, egg, sausage, and spam." "That's not got much spam." "I don't want any spam." "Why can't she have egg, bacon, spam, and sausage?" "That's got spam." "Not as much as spam, egg, sausage, and spam." "Look, could I have egg, bacon, spam, and sausage without the spam?" "Yecchh!" "What do you mean, yecchh?" "I don't like spam!" "# spam, spam, spam, spam # # spam, spam, spam, spam # # lovely spam, wonderful spam... #" "Shut up!" "Shut up!" "Shut up!" "Shut up!" "You can't have egg, bacon, spam, and sausage without the spam." "Why not?" "It wouldn't be egg, bacon, spam, and sausage, would it?" "I don't like spam!" "Don't make a fuss, dear." "I'll have your spam." "I love it." "I'm having spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam," "Baked beans, spam, spam, and spam." "Baked beans are off." "Can I have spam instead?" "You mean, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam," "Spam, spam, spam, and spam?" "Yes!" "Yecchh!" "# lovely spam, wonderful spam... #" "Shut up!" "Shut up!" "Fine." "O.K." "And now for something completely different" "A man with a tape recorder up his nose." "[the Marseillaise plays]" "[tape stops] [tape rewinds]" "[the Marseillaise plays]" "[tape stops] [applause]" "Thank you, thank you, thank you." "Ladies and gentlemen," "I have in this box 23 white mice..." "Mice which have been painstakingly trained over the past few years to squeak at a selected pitch." "Uh, this is E-sharp, and, uh, this one is "G"." "Uh, you get the general idea." "Now, these mice are so arranged upon this rack that when played in the correct order, they will squeak The Bells Of St. Mary." "Ladies and gentlemen," "I give you on the mouse organ" "The Bells Of St. Mary." "Thank you." "[eek eek] [eek eek eek] [eek eek eek]" "Oh, my god!" "Somebody stop him!" "Oh, stop him!" "Stop him!" "[eek eek eek]" "Stop him!" "Stop him!" "Yes." "The mouse problem." "This week, the world around us" "Looks at the growing social Phenomenon of mice and men." "What makes a man want to be a mouse?" "Well, it's not a question of wanting to be a mouse." "It just sort of happens to you." "Uh..." "All of a sudden you realize that's what you want to be." "And when did you first notice these, shall we say, tendencies?" "Well, I was about 17, and some mates and me went to a party." "And, uh, we had quite a lot to drink." "And then some of the fellows there started handing cheese around." "Well, just out of curiosity," "I tried a bit, and..." "Well, that was that." "And what else did these fellows do?" "Well, uh..." "Some of them started dressing up as mice a bit." "Um, and then when they got the costumes on, they... started... squeaking." "And was that all?" "That was all." "And what was your reaction?" "Well, I was shocked, but, uh..." "Gradually I came to feel that I was more at ease with other mice." "A typical case, whom we shall refer to as mr." "A, although his real name is this... [humming Greensleeves]" "Aah!" "Aah!" "Aah!" "Aah!" "Grrr!" "Grrr!" "Aah!" "Aah!" "Grrr!" "Grrr!" "Aah!" "Aah!" "Oh, oh, 69's late again today." "Grrr!" "Grrr!" "[crunch crunch]" "Aah!" "Aah!" "Aah!" "Aah!" "Aah... [toilet flushing]" "These trees behind me now were planted over 40 years ago as part of a policy by the then crown woods, who became the forestry commission in 1924." "The forestry commission systematically replanted this entire area." "Shh!" "That's 40,000 acres of virgin forest." "By 1980," "This will have risen to 200,000 Acres of soft woods." "In commercial terms, a coniferous cornucopia, an evergreen el dorado," "A tree-lined treasure trove." "No!" "A fat, fir-coned future for the financiers." "But what of the cost..." "It's mine!" "Go away!" "In human terms?" "Who are the casualties" "For this was sir Walter Scott's country." "Many of his finest romances, such as Guy Mannering or Redgauntlet" "Give me that back!" "No." "Scott showed himself to be not only a fine" "The spruces and firs of this forest will be used to create--uhh!" "Also a writer of humour and" "Britain's timber resources are being used up at the rate of" "One man who knew Scott was Angus Tinker." "[plays Tchaikovsky's piano concerto no. 1 in b-flat minor]" "What do you want?" "I was told outside" "Don't give me that, you snotty-faced heap of parrot droppings!" "What?" "Shut your festering gob, you tit!" "Your type makes me puke," "You vacuous, toffee-nosed, malodorous pervert!" "I came in here for an argument." "Oh!" "Oh, I'm sorry." "This is abuse." "Oh." "Oh, I see." "Well, that explains it." "No, you want 12a next door." "I see." "Sorry." "Not at all." "That's all right." "Stupid git." "Come in." "Is this the right room for an argument?" "I've told you once." "No, you haven't." "Yes, I have." "When?" "Just now." "No, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "Didn't." "I did." "Didn't." "I'm telling you I did." "You did not." "Is this a five-minute argument" "Or the full half-hour?" "Oh, just a five-minute one." "Fine." "Thank you." "Anyway, I did." "You most certainly did not." "Let's get one thing quite clear." "I most definitely told you." "You did not." "Yes, I did." "You did not." "Yes, I did." "Didn't." "Yes, I did." "Look, this isn't an argument." "Yes, it is." "No." "It's just contradiction." "No, it isn't." "Yes, it is." "It is not." "It is." "You just contradicted me." "No, I didn't." "Oh, you did." "No, no, no!" "You did just now." "No, nonsense." "This is futile." "No, it isn't." "I'm here for an argument." "No, you're here for an argument." "Argument is not contradiction." "Can be." "No, it can't." "An argument's a connected series of statements to establish a definite proposition." "No, it isn't." "Yes, it is." "It isn't just contradiction." "If I argue, I must take a contrary position." "It isn't just saying, "No, it isn't."." "Yes, it is." "No, it isn't." "Argument's an intellectual process." "Contradiction's just the automatic gainsaying of anything the other person says." "No, it isn't." "Yes, it is." "Not at all." "Look, I'll-- [bell rings]" "Thank you." "Good morning." "What?" "That's it." "Good morning." "But I was just getting interested." "Sorry." "The five minutes is up." "That was never five minutes." "I'm afraid it was." "No, it wasn't." "Sorry." "I'm not allowed to argue anymore." "What?" "You'll have to pay for another five minutes." "But that was never five minutes just now." "Oh, come on." "This is ridiculous." "I'm very sorry, but I told you," "I'm not allowed to argue unless you pay." "Oh, all right." "There you are." "Thank you." "Well?" "Well, what?" "That was never five minutes." "I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid." "I just paid." "No, you didn't." "I did." "I did." "No, you didn't." "I did." "You did not." "Let's not argue about that." "Sorry." "You didn't pay." "Aha!" "If I didn't pay, why are you arguing?" "Got you!" "No, you haven't." "Yes, I have." "If you're arguing, I must have paid." "Not necessarily." "I could be arguing in my spare time." "No." "No!" "No, no, no, no!" "We're not about to allow this sort of smut to be shown on screen." "Trouble at the mill." "Oh, no." "What sort of trouble?" "One on't crossbeams gone owt askew on treddle." "Pardon?" "One on't crossbeams gone owt askew on treddle." "I don't understand what you're saying." "One of the crossbeams has gone out of skew on the treadle." "What on earth does that mean?" "I don't know." "Mr. Wentworth told me to say there's trouble at the mill." "I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition." "[jarring chord]" "Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition." "Our chief weapon is surprise, surprise and fear, fear and surprise." "Our two weapons are fear and surprise." "And ruthless efficiency." "Our three weapons are fear and surprise and ruthless efficiency and an almost fanatical devotion to the pope." "Ah..." "Four--no!" "Amongst our weaponry are such elements as fear" "I'll come in again." "I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition." "[jarring chord]" "Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition." "Amongst our weaponry are such diverse elements as fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, an almost fanatical devotion to the pope." "A nice red uniform-- oh, damn!" "Oh." "Oh." "Heh heh heh heh." "Heh heh heh." "Ha!" "Now, old woman," "You're accused of heresy on three counts" "Heresy by thought, heresy by word, heresy by deed, and heresy by action-- four counts." "Do you confess?" "I don't understand what I'm accused of." "Ha!" "Ha ha ha!" "Then we shall make you understand." "Biggles, fetch..." "Fetch the cushions." "[jarring chord]" "Here they are, lord." "Now, old lady, you have one last chance." "Confess the heinous sin of heresy, reject the works of ungodly-- two last chances" "And you shall be free-- three last chances." "You have three last chances, the nature of which I have divulged in my previous utterance." "I don't know what you're talking about." "Right!" "If that's the way you want it." "Cardinal, poke her with the soft cushions." "Ha!" "Ha ha!" "Confess!" "Confess!" "Confess!" "They don't seem to be hurting her." "Have you got all the stuffing up on end?" "Yes, lord." "Hmm, she's made of harder stuff." "Cardinal Fang, fetch the comfy chair." "[jarring chord]" "The comfy chair?" "Yes." "Heh heh heh heh." "Heh heh heh heh." "Ha!" "Ha!" "Ha!" "Ha!" "So, you think you're strong because you can survive the soft cushions." "Well, we shall see." "Biggles, put her in the comfy chair!" "Now," "You will stay in the comfy Chair until lunchtime, with only a cup of coffee at 11:00." "Is that really all it is?" "Yes, lord." "I see." "I suppose we make it worse by shouting a lot, do we?" "Confess, woman." "Confess." "Confess!" "Confess!" "Confess!" "I confess." "Not you!" "And then..." "Oh, Victor." "Oh, Iris." "[doorbell rings]" "Who can that be?" "Well, you try and get rid of them." "Yes, I will." "Won't be a moment." "Hello." "Hello?" "Remember me?" "Uh, no." "In the pub, the tall thin one with a moustache, remember?" "No, I don't." "About three years ago?" "No, I don't." "It's dark in here." "You said we must have a drink sometime." "So I thought I'd take you up on it." "It is a little awkward this evening." "Hello, I'm Arthur-- Arthur Name." "Name by name but not by nature." "I always say that, don't I, Vicky boy?" "Really?" "Is that your wife?" "No, actually." "Oh, I get the picture." "Don't worry about me, Vicky boy." "I know all about one-night stands." "I beg your pardon?" "Mind if I change the record?" "We put that on." "I heard a good one in the pub." "What's brown and sounds like a bell?" "I beg your pardon?" "What's brown and sounds like a bell?" "# dung #" "That's a good one." "I like that one." "I won't keep you long." "[Washington Post March plays]" "Oh, that's better." "Don't worry about me." "I'll wait here till you're finished." "[doorbell rings]" "Who the hell's that?" "It'll be friends of mine." "I invited them along." "We were hoping to have a quiet evening alone." "They won't mind." "They're very broad-minded." "Hello." "Good evening." "Good evening." "My name's Equator-- Brian Equator." "Like around the middle of the earth, only with an "L."" "This is my wife Audrey." "She smells a bit, but she has a heart of gold." "There must be a misunderstanding." "This is" "Who's the bird?" "Well, I--I" "You got a nice pair, haven't you, love?" "Ohh!" "Aah!" "Aah!" "Shut up, you silly bitch." "Now, look here." "I've" "A pink gin, please." "I'll get it." "Leave those drinks alone." "Beans for me, please." "Lay off the beans, you whore!" "I only want three cans!" "Button your lip, you rat bag!" "That was rather witty, wasn't it?" "Where's my gin?" "[doorbell rings]" "Who the hell's that?" "I took the liberty of inviting an old friend." "As his wife's just passed away, he's somewhat distraught, poor chap." "Hope you don't mind." "Come on in." "My god, what a simply ghastly place." "Not too good, is it?" "A pint of crème de menthe for my friend." "Well, how are you, you great poof?" "A bit lumpy." "Ah, no wonder." "I was sitting on the cat." "Ohhh!" "I've asked along a simply gorgeous little man" "I picked up at the Odeon." "Is he sexy, then?" "Oh, hello." "I had to bring the goat." "He's not well." "I only hope he don't go on the carpet." "Come on there, love." "Drop 'em." "Aah!" "Aaaahhh!" "Blimey, she don't go much, do she?" "Oh, I wet 'em." "Oh!" "The goat's just done a bundle." "[all talk at once]" "Get out, all of you." "Go on, get out!" "Get out!" "I beg your pardon?" "I'm not having my house filled with perverts." "I'm giving just half a minute, then I'm calling the police." "I don't like the tone of your voice." "Aah!" "Right." "Let's have a ding dong." "Monty Python's Flying Circus." "[saxophone plays]" "Good evening." "I have with me in the studio one of the country's leading skin specialists" "Raymond Luxury Yacht." "That's not my name." "I'm sorry." "Raymond Luxury Yach-t." "No, no." "It's spelled Raymond Luxury Yach-t, but it's pronounced Throatwobbler Mangrove." "You're a very silly man, and I'm not going to interview you." "Ah!" "Anti-semitism." "Not at all." "It's not even a proper nose." "It's polystyrene." "Give it back." "Collect it at reception." "Go away." "I want to be on television." "[grinding gears]" "A cassette tape recorder is to replace the salon quartets and trios which have played... [grinding gears]" "...Which will be relayed over a new public address system," "Replacing one which relayed both music and... [knocking]" "The financial times index rose 3.7 points to 476.5." "[drilling]" "[drilling]" "The BBC has reported that radio 37 was marking the first birthday of the BBC's Southampton..." "Hey, ray!" "Turn that television off." "You know it's bad for your eyes." "Whoo!" "Whoo!" "Whoo!" "Whoo!" "That was fun!" "That was fun!" "So, there you have it." "The best of Monty Python." "Hmm." "Where are they now?" "Well, they're here in this cupboard." "Sad, isn't it?" "Good night." "[Michael Palin] Uh, Steve." "Steve, can you leave the door open, please, so they can see us?" "It's the whole point." "Reunion." "See us all again." "[John Cleese] Steve Martin, come back and open the door." "You bastard."