"(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)" "ANNOUNCER:" "Ladies And gentlemen, please welcome to the stage," "Danny Bhoy!" "." "(AUDIENCE CHEERING)" "Hello!" "." "Good evening, Edinburgh." " (AUDIENCE CHEERING)" "Yes." "Hello, welcome." "Gosh, such a big house." "Do you know what, I don't say this in any other city, but congratulations for actually getting here." "Because this is the most inaccessible city in the world now." "I tell you, it was easier to get across Berlin in 1962 than it is to get from one end of Edinburgh to the other." "I've come to the conclusion, if you want to solve the problems in Iraq, don't send in the military, send in the Edinburgh City Council." "(AUDIENCE CHEERING)" "Yeah." "They'll soon sort that shit out." "You'd get no more car bomb attacks." "Where would they park?" "." "Eh?" "." "Just a whole load of suicide bombers being constantly moved on." ""I'm sorry, that's permit holders only there, sir."" "(ULULATING)" ""You can scream all you want." "I've started writing the ticket."" "Anyway, thanks very much for coming down, all of you." "Even the ones that you can't really see." "Is there folk right in the top there?" "." "(PEOPLE WHOOPING)" "That's the people that paid through Groupon." "It's all right." "They're just as good as anyone else." "Oh, look at you lot, you've got some very fancy seats here, haven't you?" "." "How are you?" "." "Are you royal?" "." "He just went..." "Not a bad little joke, that." "Look at you, you've got a bit of a Prince William look about you." "(MUMBLING EXCITEDLY)" "Did you pay extra for those seats?" "." "No?" "." "Really?" "." "Just as well, because I'm doing the whole show from over here." "Hey, buddy." "All right." "Nah, I'm only kidding." "I'm only kidding." "But, anyway, welcome." "Did you buy your tickets online for this, by the way?" "." "AUDIENCE:" "Yes." "You did." "Is anyone having the same problem I have with online ticketing systems?" "." "Their attitude changes halfway through the booking." "Right?" "." "You get on, you go, "I'd like to buy a ticket, please."" ""Oh, what would you like to buy a ticket for?" "." ""Justin Bieber." Right?" "." "It's just an example." ""How many tickets?" ". "" ""One."" "They send you through to the next page." "It goes, "That's great." ""I'll send you through to the next page, you can get that booked up."" "You go to the next page, suddenly it just changes, the attitude." "It goes, "Hang on a minute!" "I don't know who you are."" ""I'm the guy from the last page." "I just..."" ""Yeah, but I don't know that." "I don't know anything about you." ""Before we go any further," ""I want you to type these two illegible, smudged black words" ""into this text box, please."" ""What the hell does that say?" "." "I don't know." ""Is that an 'O' and an 'L'?" "." "Is that a 'D'?" "." ""I have no fucking idea what that is."" ""Just do it."" "You know why that is?" "." "It's to make sure you're not a computer." "How many times have you been at a concert," "had a look at the seat next to you, and there's a little MacBook Pro, waving his lighter?" "." ""This is my favourite one, this one."" "A little tip, actually, before we go any further." "I was at a party a couple of nights ago, right?" "." "Quite a lot of eclectic people there." "That means "interesting."" "Or "wankers," depending on whether you're eclectic or not, I suppose." "And one of them was a famous Bollywood director." "This is true, right." "I've never met a famous Bollywood director before, so I was quite excited." "And I went up to him, I said, "Can I ask you a question about Bollywood?" ". "" "He was immediately offended." "I don't know if you know this, but "Bollywood" is our name for Indian Cinema." "Indian people call it "Indian Cinema." I should know better." "He explained this to me." "I said, "Look, I'm really sorry." ""I didn't mean to offend you."" "He said, "It's all right." "What was your question?" ". "" "I said, "All right." "Why is" ""'Indian Cinema' shit?" ". "" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "And that was pretty much the end of that conversation, if I'm being honest." "So how many Scottish people have we got in?" "." "Give us a cheer if you're Scottish." "(PEOPLE CHEERING)" "Fucking hell!" "It's not a call to arms!" "(YELLING)" ""Come on, Danny!" "All we needed was a leader!"" "How many non-Scottish people do we have in?" "." "(PEOPLE CHEERING)" "Fucking hell, eh?" "." "That's all right." "That's as close as the independent vote is going to be, I think." "And there was rioting, of course, here." "Well, not here." "That's the thing." "If there's anyone watching this on DVD, we didn't riot in Scotland." "Just England." "(LAUGHS)" "No, do you know what?" "." "Do you know what?" "." "All that proves is that we will do anything to piss off the English." "That is... (LAUGHS)" "Because let's be honest, that was right up our street." ""A bit of rioting on a Monday?" "." ""Fuck, I'm up for that!"" "There was kids in Leith twitching that night." "One hand on a bottle, "Come on, Dad." "Let me out there."" "All the dads watching the news unfold," ""Hold." "Hold." "Hold."" "As soon as they found out it was just happening in England," ""Put the bottle down, Son, this is disgusting." ""Makes me sick." "Makes me sick." "Put the bottle down." ""We're not going anywhere." ""Now, go upstairs and get the wireless." ""We need to listen to any reference on any radio programme" ""that this might be a 'British' problem."" "Jeez, we love it then, don't we?" "." "We love getting on and complaining then." ""Hello, is that Radio 5 Alive?" "." ""Hey, I was just listening to your last caller." ""Who suggested that these were the worst riots in 'British' history." ""I'll have you know, I'm looking out my window in Glasgow as we speak" ""and, apart from all the usual shit," ""there's nothing untoward going on out there, right?" "." ""A retraction, please."" "We love it." "We love all that, don't we?" "." "I'll tell you the thing that really pissed me off last year." "It was Qatar getting the World Cup in 2022, right?" "." "That's in the Middle East, Qatar." "It's a little country, but it's a dry country." "There's no alcohol allowed in Qatar." "Knowing our luck, that'll be the one fucking World Cup we'll qualify for." "The one we can't even go and enjoy." "Not going to get any Scottish fans going to that, Jesus." "Can't drink for three weeks." "You'll be lucky to get 1 1 players." "Fucking hell" ""I can't drink, what, for three weeks?" "." ""That's my hamstring gone." "Sorry about that, boys." ""Good luck out there, eh?" "." "Let me know how you get on."" "God, it's terrible." "How can you have a World Cup without drinking?" "." "How're you going to celebrate, yeah?" "." ""Hey, we beat Brazil!"" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)" ""Well, see you guys tomorrow, right."" "Do you know, if you get caught drinking in Qatar," "(CHUCKLES) the punishment is you get lashed." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)" "Someone is going to have to explain to Scottish fans as soon as they get off the plane the more literal meaning to this phrase." "Could be very confusing." ""Scotland, welcome to Qatar." ""Congratulations on qualifying." ""Surprised us all." ""But, remember, if you drink in Qatar, you will get lashed."" ""You're not fucking wrong, pal." ""It's exactly the same back home, by the way." "Exactly the same." ""Lashed, good one, that."" ""No, Scotland, I don't think you quite understand." ""If you drink in Qatar, you will get beaten by the police."" ""It's exactly the same back home, mate, exactly the same." "Don't worry about it."" "You can't use offensive language in Qatar in public, either." "There you go." "You can't swear." "You're at a football game!" "What are you going to do?" "." "It's part of the fun, isn't it?" "." "What are you going to do?" "." "Bad call on the pitch. "Referee!" "(SIGHS)" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)" "(STAMMERING) "That's a terrible decision." ""You're in need of a pair of spectacles, my man." ""You heard me."" "Qatar gets temperatures of up to 50 degrees in the summer." "How do you describe that kind of heat if you can't swear?" "." "Hey?" "." "Walk out your front door, "Oh, have sex with me, it's hot."" ""That's fatherless child hot, that's how hot that is."" "Bastard hot." ""Is that orphan hot, is it?" ". "" "Anyways, it's going to be a shit World Cup, that's my point." "No drinking, no swearing, you know." "No strip bars, obviously." "They'd be a bit shit, wouldn't they?" "." "Fucking, "Show us your eyes!"" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "But, no, no." "That's..." "No, don't..." "Aye, don't." "Look, the point is, we're probably not going to qualify anyway." "This is probably immaterial because, you know..." "We've kind of gotten increasingly more realistic about our chances of qualification in Scotland, and you can tell this by the World Cup songs that we release." "Like, in 1 974 when we had a pretty good side, right?" "." "We thought we were going to win it." "Our lyrics of our World Cup song was," ""Easy!" "Easy!" Remember?" ". "Easy!"" "We're going to win the World Cup, it's going to be easy." "Went out the first round." "1 978, # We're on the march wi' Ally's Army" "# We're All offff to Argentine #" "It's "Argentina," but it rhymes with the next bit." "# And we're gonna mix it up When we win the World Cup" "# 'cause, scotland is the greatest ffootbAll team #" "See, "team", "Argentine"?" "." "Brilliant." "Went out in the first round." "Then in 1 982, we've started to temper our enthusiasm a little bit." "1 982, our World Cup song was called," "We HAve A dream." "You know, we might not win it, but we can dream and dreams come true." "Then you go to 1 998, the last time we qualified." "Our song was called, Don't Come Home Too Soon." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "We've gone from, "Easy, it's gonna be easy,"" "to, "We can dream,"" "to, "For fuck's sake, come home after the postcards this time."" "Our next song is going to be about qualification." "I love Scottish football, though, I do, I like it." "Because I was watching the Super Bowl." "I noticed something when I was watching it." "Do you know that in American football," "I mean, it's very complicated, it's all very technical, but they've got little microphones here?" "." "And they talk to the other coaches, they give them instructions." "(IN AMERICAN ACCENT) "Four down and nine." "Two down and hup." ""Four fours are 1 6." ""Brad, you gotta go long." "Chip, you gotta come wide." ""Let's get in the game." "Hup, hup, hup!" (EXCLAIMS)" "(IN NORMAL VOICE) You know, it's all very technical, but I thought to myself, you could never mike up a Scottish manager in a football game, could you?" "." "Imagine that." "You'd just get a guy on the side, walking up and down." ""Stevie!" ""Stevie!" ""Aye, well fucking use it, then!"" "I think there's a bit of a bias sometimes about, you know, of English sports on television." "Because, obviously, there are certain sports that we are quite good at." "Like ice curling, we're pretty good at, right?" "." "But we only get it in the Olympics." "We should be good at ice curling." "It's played on ice, for God's sake." "Anywhere north of Inverness, that's just a method of putting out the rubbish in the morning." "Open the door, slide it down." ""Shit, one of the bags just burst, come on, quick, fucking..." ""Come on, three of us, three of us!"" "But I always wonder why we get the Boat Race on television up here." "Because I don't even think people outside of Oxford and Cambridge give a shit about the Boat Race." "Do they think there's people in pubs in the east end of Glasgow on the day of the Boat Race, huddled round the TV?" "." ""Come on, Oxford, come on!" ""Billy, get us another Pimm's and lemonade, will you?" "." ""Come on, Oxford!" "Ra, ra, ra!"" "Don't even think people row in Glasgow, it's not even a sport." "If you ever see four guys in a boat in Glasgow, you know one of them's not coming back." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "(HUMMING THE GODFATHER WALTZ" ""Turn up the radio full blast for a minute."" "Here's the thing, by the way, talking of slight English bias sometimes, have you ever tried to pay for anything with a Scottish bank note in London?" "." "Jeez!" "It's like you're trying to pay with magic beans or something." "I couldn't believe it." "I got a cab to the train station." "It was 1 7 quid, I gave him 20." "I said, "Keep the change."" "I'm already breaking down the stereotypes." "He's like, "What's that, mate?" ". "" "(MUMBLING TIMIDLY)" ""What is it, mate?" "." "What's that?" "." "What's that?" "." "What's that, mate?" "." ""What is it?" "." "What is it, mate?" "." "What is it?" "." ""What's that, mate?" "." "What's that?" ". "" "I said, "It's..."" "I said, "It's £20."" "He said, "No, mate, No, no, no, mate." "No, no, mate, mate." "No, mate, no, mate." ""That's Scottish, mate." "I don't take Scottish, mate." ""No, I don't take Scottish, mate." "No, mate, I don't take Scottish, mate."" ""You took me." "I'm Scottish."" ""No mate, nothing without the Queen's," this is what he said," ""Nothing without the Queen's head on it, mate." ""It's got to have the Queen's head on it."" "So, I took the 20 back, I stuck a stamp to it and gave it back to him." ""And I want my three quid change!"" "When we declared war on Germany in 1 939..." "Did you know this?" "." "We wrote Hitler a letter." "Isn't that amazing?" "." "Wrote him an actual..." ""Dear Adolf, how's it going?" "." ""I'm sorry, all this invading countries is not good." ""There's going to have to be a war." ""All the best, Britain."" "And we sent this." "I mean, we didn't have email or text or any of that." "Well, you wouldn't have texted Hitler, would you?" "." "That would've been a weird text." ""Dear Adolf, Poland, 'question mark.'" ""WTF," ""'exclamation mark.'" ""So not cool," ""'sad face."'" "Hitler texts back, "Peace in our time?" "." "LMAO."" ""Laugh my ass off."" "I didn't know that." "Do you know, I only found out six months ago that LOL means "laugh out loud"?" "." "Because I thought it meant, "Lots of love."" "I did." "And I got caught out, because a guy sent me an email during the Festival, he did, and he said," ""Danny, I see you're doing the Festival." "I run a pub in Edinburgh." ""Come in, I'll buy you drinks all night." ""LOL, Steve."" "I said, "Steve, I think you've got the wrong idea there." ""I'm not that way inclined, you know." "Thank you for the offer."" "And then someone said, "No, it means 'laugh out loud."'" ""I thought, that's even weirder, isn't it?" ". "" "He's written, "Come into the pub, I'll buy you drinks all night." "(LAUGHING MALICIOUSLY)" ""Steve." You know." "I think I'd rather meet the first guy is what I'm saying." "Talking of which, bit of a tangent, this, but I met my friend for lunch yesterday, right?" "." "Is it just me, or do you get really annoyed when people text while they're in a conversation with you?" "." "It's so the height of rudeness, isn't it?" "." "The whole time, he's texting." "I said, "Why didn't you just meet that person for lunch?" ". "" "He said, "Oh, Danny, we're sexting, me and my girlfriend."" "Have you heard about this?" ". "Sexting."" "I said, "What's that?" ". " He said," ""Well, we send messages to each other all day" ""about what we'd like to do to each other when we get home."" "I said, "Oh, what happens when you get home?" ". "" "He said, "It's just a bit awkward."" "I love that." "All day," ""Oh you little minx, wait until I get you home."" "You walk in your front door, "Hiya." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" ""Sorry about all that."" "But, no, we sent Hitler a letter." "1 939, eh?" "." "Because that's what you did back in the day." "All armies used to send some kind of formal declaration of war in advance." "That was the way it was done." "Not all armies." "I don't think the Vikings ever sent anyone..." "That would kind of ruin their element of, "Surprise!"" "Not quite as camp as that I don't think, but you get the idea." "I don't think Vikings got off the longboat," ""Right, ready?" "." "Quick, two, three, surprise!" ""We are Vikings, V-I-K-I-N-G-S!" ""We're here to rape and pillage, rape and pillage." ""Yeah, we're going to kill you and burn all your houses down," ""burn all your houses down"" "(AUDIENCE CHEERING)" "I knew a bit too much of that routine for my liking, if I'm being honest." "But, look..." "I don't think there was any gay Vikings." "I mean, there could've been." "I don't know." "You'd have to keep that bloody quiet, wouldn't you?" "." "Imagine that, if you were a gay Viking." "Because it was famously a very macho society, right?" "." "All the guys in their..." "This is a longboat." "I should've mentioned that before I started." ""What's he doing?" ". "" "But, like, all the Vikings, right?" "." "They were big, muscley guys with chins and faces." "Hair and big, oily chests." "I've maybe been thinking about this too much, but the point is, they were very aggressive, the Vikings, right." "And they'd row over, you know, with their bare chests on the longboat." "Imagine if you were the only gay Viking on that boat." "Eh?" "." "Just, you know." ""Oh, my word." ""Someone's been working out." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" ""Come on, Eric, concentrate." ""Put it away, Sven." ""I'm a Viking."" ""Eric, what the hell is wrong with you?" "." "You're way out of step."" ""Sorry."" ""Hey, what the fuck's all that about?" ". "" ""Oh, no." ""You never know when they're going to come, do you?" "." ""I'm just thinking about all those men we're going to kill."" ""Well, don't, eh?" "." "Right?" "." "You'll have someone's eye out with that."" "Talking of which..." "Well, not talking of having someone's eye out." "I went to a Viking exhibition not so long ago." "Did you know this?" "." "Vikings famously loved their weapons, right?" "." "Sword, axe, horns on the head. (GROWLS)" "They couldn't have been any more tooled up unless they had a chainsaw coming out their arse, right?" "." "They loved it." "But they also used to wear, this is what I saw in this exhibition, a pair of tight pants here and, like, a spike at the front." "Yeah, and that was another attack." "That was another weapon." "You know, if they lost everything else." "I'm pretty sure they didn't just go, "Sword, axe." "Nah, don't need that."" "(LAUGHS)" "But when they lost everything else." "So the Viking's running into battle he's lost his sword." ""Shit, I've lost my sword." ""Hey, never mind, I've got my axe." "Come on." ""Ah, shit, is that my axe gone?" "." ""Right, do the old helmet, there." ""Ah, is that my helmet gone?" "." "Come on, you bastards," ""we haven't finished yet."" "Imagine that, turning up at the battlefield at the end, all the wounded enemy. "Come here, you." ""Yeah." "I've lost all my..." "I've lost my thing." ""Is that guy still breathing?" "." "I'll get him, there." ""I already told you, though, didn't I?" "." "That's it." ""Hey, line them up, Eric." "That's going to be the easiest thing." ""Aye, because we've got dinner at 8:00." "I don't want to miss dinner at 8:00." ""That's the way to do this." ""Two for you, there." ""Are you all right, Eric?" ". "" ""Mmm-hmm."" ""Totally, totally." (GASPS)" "You know, the Vikings attacked us three times, and the last time the Vikings attacked us, our king was King Ethelred the Unready." "Bit of a no-brainer, right, for the Vikings, that one." ""Who's in charge of Spain?" ". "" ""That's Franco the Fearless."" ""Let's leave him." "Who's in charge of Italy?" ". "" ""Anthony the Don't Fuck With Me."" ""Aye, let's leave him as well." ""What about Britain?" "." "Good old Britain?" ". "" ""Oh, you'll like this." "Ethelred the Unready."" ""All right, lads, off you go." "Rape and pillage all you want."" "And the Viking's going, "Jeez, not Britain again." ""That's the third time, I've just come back from two weeks in Motherwell."" ""What's wrong with Motherwell?" ". "" ""Well, if it was just pillage, nothing."" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "I had a rather disastrous year last year, I spent five months in LA." "And..." "Well, I was touring around America, generally, and it didn't really work out, if I'm being absolutely honest." "This didn't work out." "No, I'm serious." "I'm half-Indian, half-Scottish." "And America's the great melting pot of the world, but they don't have many Scottish-Indian guys." "That is a real head fuck to them." "That is two very separate characters on The Simpsons to them." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "(IN AMERICAN ACCENT) "I don't really know what's going on."" "(IN NORMAL VOICE) I did a gig in a revolving restaurant in Texas, this is true." "Hardest gig I've ever done, because they would heckle, and then they'd sort of move off." "(IN AMERICAN ACCENT) "You're shit."" "(IN NORMAL VOICE) And I was like, "You're shit, mate," ""I'll get you when you come back around, right." ""Where is he?" "." "So many hats."" "But they have to have guns in Texas." "One in three people carry a gun." "As far as heckling's concerned, that's a real game changer, you know?" "." "I don't want to get involved in that." "After that gig, I died." "I went off, and they had a line dancing competition." "Have you ever..." "Do you know the..." "# Don't break my heart, my Achy breaky heart" "# Ijust don't think you" "It looks like a guy being attacked by mosquitoes, that's what it looks like." "# Just don't think you'll under...stand" "I think I got one, I'd better make sure it's dead." "# You can break my heart my Achy breaky heart #" "I went to a bar in..." "That was Billy Ray Cyrus I was singing there, wasn't it?" "." "Is that right?" "." "AUDIENCE:" "Yes." "I remember, I went on his website a while ago," "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) just for research." "And, uh..." "I don't know if it's still there, but his website, its front page says," ""Billy Ray Cyrus, The man that put the 'ray' into 'country."'" "I thought, "That's funny." ""I'd say you're the man that put the other half of that word into 'country,'" ""but I'm just going on the photograph, you know what I mean?" ". "" "(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)" "Um..." "When I was in Texas, I went to a bar in Texas after that gig." "Do you know?" "." "They don't drink like us in America." "And I don't mean like..." "It's not an amount thing." "It's more of a mentality thing." "Because it's a great myth that Scottish people drink more than any other country, right?" "." "Look at you all." ""I can't wait to see where he goes with this one."" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "All right, we're up there." "If there was a drinking World Cup, we'd be Spain." "Which is ironic, because Spain would be Scotland in that particular scenario, wouldn't it?" "." ""Hey, what's that, mate?" "." "Sangria?" "." "Fucking good luck qualifying with that."" ""Sangria!" ""You'll need a jug of it." ""We've got chips more alcoholic than that, aye." ""Sangria, aye." "I don't know, I'll ask him." ""What's that on the top?" "." ""Fruit!" ""Good luck, though, mate." "Good luck."" "He's a very small Spanish man." "Could be, you don't know." "No, it's more of a mentality thing." "Because every country likes to drink." "I've travelled around the world, and I'm lucky to have been to a lot of places where I didn't think I'd get a drink, and I did." "Well, you know these hard-line Muslim countries." "Look at you all, "This better be good, Danny."" "But you can get a drink there." "They like to drink." "They drink, they just don't..." "Do you know how you know that before you even go?" "." "That whole "Death to the West" thing." "Don't tell me anyone came up with that sober." "That's not a sober concoction." ""Death to the West"?" "." "That's got a really heavy night of drinking stamped all over it, hasn't it?" "." "That's got shots in the bar at the end." "Death, think about it, to an entire direction." "Come on, no one comes up with that over tea and biscuits." "That's a fucking, "Death to the West, to the West!" ""To the West." "All that, death." ""Give me another one..." ""Death, everything to my left, death." "Death!" ""John, John, John!" "Get over here." ""Doesn't matter, just get over here." "Stay to my right." ""Death..." "I know you're talking to my wife, come over here."" "No, but it's a mentality thing that separates us from other countries." "I'll give you a good example, right?" "." "When we in Scotland read on a medical prescription, a medical prescription," ""Do not take with alcohol," in big, bold letters, what that translates in our head as, is if you take this with alcohol, it's going to be fucking brilliant!" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) -(WHOOPING)" ""Go and get me another sangria."" "It is, it's little things like that." "I was in a clothes shop on George Street, three weeks ago, and it was the middle of the afternoon." "Here's a brilliant example, right?" "." "So I'm in the fitting room, and it was one of those fitting rooms where they don't put a mirror in." "I don't know why, I'm not going to nick the mirror." "You have to come out and use the one in the shop, right?" "." "And it's uncomfortable, particularly for blokes, you know." "People look at you, "Oh, that looks nice." "Fuck off." ""I'll take it, I'll take it."" "And there was a kid standing next to me, maybe an 1 8, 1 9-year-old kid, he's trying on his shirt, right?" "." "He just did the little thing, which I won't see in any other country." "Just reminded me of our drinking culture." "This kid just went..." ""I wonder how my pint and my fag, will go with that, you know."" "Oh, dear." "On Friday night, I watched a group of girls on Princes Street." "You know, on a Friday night, after work, you look lovely." "Right?" "." "No, they do, they look all great, and they've gone home and got changed and the hair is bouncing." "Little bag bouncing with the hair." ""Hi, Jemma, how you going?" ". " "Nice bag." "Thank you!" It's all really nice." "And then, what happens when you go in that pub?" "." "I watched the same group of girls come out eight hours later." "Fuck me, the whole thing has changed." "The walk is now this sort of..." "But it's that dialogue that has to happen amongst groups of women when they come out of the pub." "You know that, "Right," ""listen," ""listen, listen, listen." "Listen to me." "Listen." ""Where we going?" "." "Where we going?" "." "Guys, guys, guys, listen." ""Guys, where are we going, guys?" "." "Guys." ""Where we going?" ". (LAUGHS) Where we going, though?" "." ""No, seriously, listen, listen!" "Where are we going?" ". "" ""I don't know, let's just go." "Let's just go."" ""Aye, but where we going?" ". "" ""I don't know, let's just go!"" ""Someone make a decision!" "Someone make a decision!"" "One of them always goes, "Right, I'm going." "That's it, I'm going." ""If you want to come, come." "I'm going."" "And that one with the limp," "I don't know where they got the limp from, is always following." ""I'm coming, I'm coming."" "Shoes in the hand." ""I'm coming, I'm coming."" ""Where we going?" ". " "I don't know, let's just go, I don't know."" "Have you ever noticed how we have 1,000 words for being drunk in this country, and only one for being sober?" "." "If you're sober, you're sober." "If you're drunk, you're pissed, you're trashed, you're hammered, you're wasted, you're wellied, you're shit-faced!" "Where did that come from?" "." ""Oh, I was so drunk last night, I had shit all over my face."" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "(LAUGHS)" "They don't use that phrase in America I found out before it was too late." "I met this girl for lunch in LA and I sat down, I said," ""I'm really sorry I'm late." "I was absolutely shit-faced last night."" "(IN AMERICAN ACCENT) She went, "Oh, my God." "You had shit on your face?" ". "" "(IN NORMAL VOICE) "Oh, no, no." "It's just an expression." ""The shit was in my pants, aye." ""You don't use that here, no."" "It's little things." "It's the mentality of the situation that makes us different than our friends in America." "Well, here's another example, just the places where we get alcohol." "Off-licence is a slight menacing term." ""Off-licence."" ""Licensed?" ". " "No, we're off it, mate."" ""But licensed..." "No, we're not licensed." ""We're off-licence." "We don't really have a licence." ""What do you want?" "." "What do you want?" ". "" "In America, "Liquor store."" "It sounds nice, doesn't it?" "." ""Come on, Mom and Pop," ""let's go to the liquor store, buy some beer for the ball game."" "Off-licence." "In Australia, they call it, well, is there any Australians in?" "." "WOMAN:" "Whoo!" "Bottle-O." "Bottle-O, right." "A bit quick off the mark there, madam." ""Bottle-O!"" "Which is short for..." "Bottle Shop." "Bottle Shop." "I love the way you went, "Bottle-O" first." "Most people would say the long name first, then abbreviate it." "No, not in Australia." "(IN AUSTRALIAN ACCENT) "Fuck, I'm not saying" ""'Bottle Shop' every time." "It's 'Bottle-O,' mate, 'Bottle-O.'" ""Who's Mister Fancy Pants with his 'Bottle Shop'?" "." ""Look at him there with his shoes."" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" ""Bottle-O, mate, Bottle-O." ""It's too much aggro to say 'Bottle Shop."'" "(IN NORMAL VOICE) Bottle Shop, what a great..." "I'd love to have been in the committee when you came up with that, I really would." "How long did it take you to..." "Eh?" "." "(IN AUSTRALIAN ACCENT) "All right, listen up, settle down." ""We've got a shop," ""listen up, settle down," ""with bottles in it." "We're going to need a name." ""All right?" "." "So, get thinking." "Now," ""the bottles are already in the shop, this is the thing to remember here." ""The bottles are in the shop, so just think about a good name there."" "Come back after lunch." ""Right, listen up, settle down." ""We've got two major suggestions for the shop with bottle, listen up." ""'Shop Bottle.'" ""John came up with that." "Nice one, John." "Nothing wrong with that, mate." ""'Shop Bottle,' it's got everything we need." ""Give yourself one of them, mate." ""'Shop Bottle,' I like that, I do." "I fuck..." "Nothing wrong with that, mate." ""Nothing wrong with that, John." "'Shop Bottle.'" ""I'm writing it down." ""But, Barry," ""he's gone with 'Bottle Shop'." ""Also good, also good." ""So we'll have a quick show of hands, what've we got?" "." "One, two, three, four." ""And then 'Bottle Shop', four, five, six." "Well, 'Bottle Shop' it is." ""Surprises me, but there you go." ""Nothing wrong with that, John." ""Right, next, we need a name for that" ""great big barrier reef at the top of the country, anyone?" "." ""Anyone at all?" "." "No?" "." "Nothing coming?" "." ""All right, we'll be thinking about that, then." ""Oh, and I've just been told, there's already a South Wales in Britain." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" ""So, we'll need a new name for that."" "(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)" "(IN NORMAL VOICE) I love this." "Do you know, I heard a great phrase in Australia this year?" "." "I was in Western Australia, I was in Perth, which is very hot." "It's fatherless child hot." "And I was in the dressing room, and this tech guy said," ""Can I get you anything, Danny?" ". "" "I said, "Well, it's super-hot here, is there any air conditioning?" ". "" "He said, (IN AUSTRALIAN ACCENT) "Oh, I'll go and find out, mate."" "(IN NORMAL VOICE) And he never came back, right?" "." "Not a major problem, but I'm on my way to the stage and I'm sweating, and I said to the guy, I saw him and I said," ""What happened with the air conditioning?" ". "" "I'd never heard this phrase before, he said," "(IN AUSTRALIAN ACCENT) "Oh, mate." "Balls out, I totally forgot."" "(IN NORMAL VOICE) I mean, it was dark." "I said, "You haven't, have you?" "." ""Just your apology is fine."" ""Balls out," it's an Australian way of saying, "To be honest."" "That's what they say." "(IN AUSTRALIAN ACCENT) "Balls out, mate." "No, I'm not lying to you, mate." ""Look, the fucking balls are out." ""The balls, I've got me balls out." "I'm telling you the truth, mate." ""Look at that, you know?" ". "" "(IN NORMAL VOICE) Was there ever a literal manifestation of that?" "." "Some guy in a court of law, you know," ""Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth," "(LAUGHS) "so help you, God?" ". "" "(SIGHS)" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "(CLEARS THROAT)" ""I think that answers your question."" "Anyway, I was slightly side-tracked, but yes, they don't drink like us in the States." "I was in a bar in Texas, this is where I found this out." "I was with a friend of mine and we went into this," "I mean, it was a real, like, rough bar." "People with no teeth and scars and stuff, you know." "Difficult to tell with the hoods on." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "Anyway, I'm in this bar in Texas." ""Hello," I said to the barman." "He said, uh... (SPITS)" "Now, just to sort of lighten the atmosphere a bit because I sensed everyone looking at us, right?" "." "I said, "What kind of wines do you have?" ". "" "Knowing that there was no wine." "Well, there might have been, but I wasn't even going to drink the wine." "We're not great wine connoisseurs in Scotland." "There are people in Glasgow who think Chardonnay is the woman who sang Smooth operator." "Come on, now, "Sade," right, okay." ""What kind of wines do you have?" ". "" "Do you know, when I was at that party that I was mentioning where I met the Bollywood director, this bugged the shit out of me." "We're having dinner around a table." "People are really wine snobs nowadays." "I was opening the bottle of wine." "I didn't know half the people around the table." "A guy that didn't know me, while I was opening it, he went," ""Uh, Danny, Danny." "Danny." ""The wine, breathe, it must breathe." "You must remember to let it breathe."" "I was like... (BREATHING DEEPLY)" "He said, "No, no, no, the wine must breathe." ""The wine, the wine." "I know, he's funny." "He's a comedian, you know." ""The wine must breathe, the wine must breathe."" "I said, "Fuck, it's Blue Nun." ""I think the name alone implies it's had its last breath."" "Look, anyway, in the bar," "I said, "What kind of wines do you have?" ". "" "And this barman went," "(IN SOUTHERN ACCENT) "It's just..." He didn't have any teeth." ""It's just red," ""red or white."" "(DANNY LAUGHING)" ""Red or white, boy."" "(IN NORMAL VOICE) "Oh, you know who I am." "That's quite handy."" "No, don't." "Not a good idea to make jokes with these guys, as I found out next, because I said, you know, again, just to try and lighten the atmosphere, he said, (IN SOUTHERN ACCENT) "It's red or white."" "(IN NORMAL VOICE) And I said, "Oh, there seems to be some mistake." ""I said, 'What kind of wines do you have?" ". '" ""Not, 'What kind of necks do you have?" ". "'" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "Yeah, I turned to high-five my friend, he was halfway to the car." "A trail of dust in his wake." "That was the hardest thing about the States, was..." "You know, someone once used the phrase," ""America and Britain are divided by a common language."" "Because so many of the phrases they use are different from the ones we use." "It's quite hard when you're doing comedy to remember all that." "Like, for example, when an American says he's pissed, he means he's angry." "When a Scottish person says he's pissed, he means he's drunk" "and angry, right?" "." " (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)" "Little things like that." "But the thing is, I know a lot about American culture, we all do." "Because we grew up with American shows," "like Seinffeld and Cheers and The Golden Girls." "(CHUCKLES)" "Do you remember The Golden Girls?" "." "That was weird, wasn't it?" "." "The premise of that, what was that?" "." ""Oh, look, four granny sluts," "(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)" ""in a house in Florida."" "That's a very niche Internet market now, isn't it?" "." "I would imagine." "No, but, we know about American culture, right, because we grew up with their shows." "Like, if an American says to me, "Can I use your restroom, Danny?" ". "" "I know he doesn't mean, "Can I go and lie down in your bed?" ". "" "I learned that the hard way." "(IN AMERICAN ACCENT) "Can I use your restroom, Danny?" ". "" "(IN NORMAL VOICE) "Yeah, it's in there, off you go."" "(IN AMERICAN ACCENT) "You want me to go in there?" ". "" "(IN NORMAL VOICE) "Yes, that's my restroom."" "(IN AMERICAN ACCENT) "Where do you want me to go?" ". "" "(IN NORMAL VOICE) "On my bed."" "(IN AMERICAN ACCENT) "I don't think that's appropriate."" "(IN NORMAL VOICE) "Hey, I'll be offended if you don't, right?" "." ""My house is your house." "Off you go." ""Go on, knock yourself..." ""Hey, quit pissing in my fucking bed!"" "It's little things like that, you know?" "." "But then, of course, the problem is when Americans come to Scotland." "And sometimes they're not familiar with our culture in the same way that we are familiar with theirs." "Well, I used to work in a bar here in Edinburgh, in a pub, but it was for locals, right?" "." "And we very rarely got tourists coming in." "But this American couple came in one day." "9:00 in the morning, so the bar was completely full." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)" "That's our happy hour, isn't it?" "." "At some pubs." "Anyway." "These two American guys walked in." "I knew they were American." "One of them had a skin-tight Loch Ness Monster T-shirt on." "You don't see many Scottish people wearing them." "They come, they sit up at the bar." "I said, "Hi, guys, what can I get you?" ". "" "One of them said, (IN AMERICAN ACCENT) "Hey, Braveheart."" "(IN NORMAL VOICE) Hoots mon." "Och aye the noo, Jimmy." ""What can I get you there, wee laddie?" ". "" "He said," "(IN AMERICAN ACCENT) "Can me and my golfing buddy" ""get a couple of breakfasts, please?" ". "" "(IN NORMAL VOICE) I say, "Of course."" "Now, this is 1 5 years ago." "There was no muesli option." "It was just..." "No continental breakfast." "What the fuck!" "That's the biggest myth in the world, "Continental breakfast."" ""Continental breakfast" basically means, "We have no breakfast." ""We couldn't be arsed to make anything." "Here's some yoghurt and a bun."" ""What continent is this from?" "." "Africa?" ". "" "Right?" "." "Anyway." "True, isn't it?" "." "So, we only had the big, Scottish fried breakfast." "I said, "I'll get you two of them."" "So, I went and got them two big, Scottish fried breakfasts." "You're familiar with the fried Scottish breakfast." "Different coloured bits of grey meat, swimming in grease, right." "And these two American guys, one of them was just pushing stuff away." "(IN AMERICAN ACCENT) "I don't really understand what this is, Bob." ""Is that a scab?" "." ""Fuck me." "They don't eat this, do they?" ". "" "(LAUGHS)" "(IN NORMAL VOICE) Now, obviously, with our breakfast, as a lot of you'll know, we have fried bread, right." "We have fried bread." "I mean, we've got toasters." "We know what the toaster does." "It's not for us, though, is it?" "." ""Take that wizardry out of here." ""Stick it in the fryer." ""Stick it in with a Mars bar, see what happens." ""Aye, see what happens." "Aye, but, let's see what happens."" "But these two American guys weren't familiar with this concept of fried bread." "Why would you be?" "." "Fried bread?" "." "What sane person fries bread?" "." "So, one of them picks it up, in this pub." "I'm kind of keeping an eye on them." "And he says, "I'm just going to have the toast, I think."" ""Oh, my God." "He thinks that's toast!"" "I should have stopped him." "I know I should have stopped him." "But I didn't." "He takes a big scoop of butter." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)" "Oh, the humanity." "I should have stopped him, when I think about it." "Anyway, he butters this bit of fried bread." "Mmm." "And then he took one bite..." "I should have stopped him." "I know it, right." "He took one bite of this." "And the grease just..." "It hit the ceilings, it hit the wall." "It hit people in the face." ""It's fucking happy hour!" "What's going on?" ". "" "(LAUGHING)" "So, this American guy is taking a bite of this fried bread with butter on top." "But I watched him." "His face was..." "It was, kind of, a mixture of confusion and fear." "But, to be fair to the guy, he didn't say anything." "He just resiliently chewed it a bit longer than he usually would." "(GULPS) And then he swallowed it." "But what makes me laugh still to this day, is what he said to his friend." "He turns to his friend, he says," "(IN AMERICAN ACCENT) "Just to let you know, Bob." ""That ain't toast." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" ""That's a crouton."" "(AUDIENCE CONTINUES LAUGHING)" ""That's a crouton."" "(IN NORMAL VOICE) I suppose that's what it is, when you think about it." "Anyways, look, the point is..." "I was in America." "I spent five months living there, in LA, in a big house." "Full of porn stars, actually." "I didn't choose it." "It just happened to be porn stars in this house." "Lovely fellas, but I didn't use the pool much." "(LAUGHS)" "But, actually, the gigs were not going great in America." "But I got, weirdly, the biggest gig of my career." "I got a call..." "This is a true story, now." "I got a call from the david letterman show, asking me if I wanted to do four-and-a-half minutes of stand-up on the letterman show." "And that's like the holy grail for comedians, the letterman show." "It's the thing we all want." "So I was like, "God, that's amazing." ""This is the biggest gig of my career."" "A huge deal, LettermAn." "Clearly not as big a deal in Edinburgh, I'm getting that vibe." ""David Letterman?" "." "Who does he play for?" ". "" "But..." "But, anyway." "So, I go to New York, right?" "." "And I'm going to film this four-and-a-half minutes of stand-up on letterman, and I'm super excited." "They keep the guests quite secret until the last minute, the big guests." "And I was on the show with Matt Damon." "(AUDIENCE WHOOPS)" "Oh, you're listening now, aren't you?" "." ""Oh, we know him." "Shush." "We know him."" "It was quite exciting." "I'm in my little dressing room." "I didn't expect to meet Matt Damon." "But, about an hour before the show, absolutely true, he burst into my dressing room." "Well, he didn't burst in." "He walked in." "He didn't, you know," ""Danny Bhoy is on the show?" "." "I must see!"" "He walks in the dressing room and I was writing out my four-and-a-half minutes of stand-up." "I'm quite nervous and excited." "I spun around, and I saw Matt Damon, right?" "." "Now, you can never really legislate for what you're going to say in those slightly surreal moments in life." "I certainly didn't expect these words to come out of my mouth." "I spin around." "Matt Damon." "I said," ""Good heavens!" ""It's you!"" "I've never used the phrase "Good heavens" before in my life." "I've never been in a Merchant Ivory film, why would I?" "." "Where did that come from?" "." "I guess I thought in my head, "He's an actor." "That's how they talk."" "As if he was going to go, "How now, jester?" "." ""Tell me thy name and thy favourite misadventure."" "We'd dance around each other with tights and a mandolin." "A coffee filter around our necks." "It's not a coffee filter, is it?" "." "Do you know those things they had in Elizabethan times around the neck?" "." "I don't know what they're called..." "MAN:" "Ruff!" "Ruff!" "Ruff?" "." "Is that what it's called?" "." "Or is there a pantomime dog in the audience?" "." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "Ruff!" "Ruff!" "(CHUCKLES)" "Is that what it's called, then?" "." "Oh, cool." "A "ruff." Very uncomfortable-looking things, weren't they?" "." "You could never look down in the Elizabethan Age." "You used to have to trust your instincts." "Walk into a room." ""My boy, I'm assuming you're in here!" "(CHUCKLES)" ""Balls out, this is very uncomfortable." ""No, it's just a phrase!" ""Sorry, it's just a..." "No, no!"" "I never understood Shakespeare." "From a Scottish point of view, I never got that." ""Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?" ". "" "Fuck off." "I live in Scotland, mate." "Compare me to something else, for God's sake." "What you're basically saying is" ""Shall I compare thee to a brief moment in time" ""when it's stopped raining?" ". "" ""Shall I compare thee to a day last June" ""when we turned off the heating for a few hours?" ". "" ""No, thanks, mate." "You're all right, you're all right."" "All bullshit, wasn't it?" "." "Remember this one?" "." "I think it was Romeo And Juliet." ""Hark!"" "I could stop there, couldn't I?" "." ""Hark, what light through yonder window breaks?" ". "" "In Scotland, we're like, "Oh." ""That is the telly."" "Unless you're from the licensing department." "In which case, "Hark!" "I don't know what you're talking about."" "Do you know, apparently..." "Someone told me this the other day, one in every 1,000 words we use nowadays was invented by Shakespeare." "He just made up words." "Isn't that incred..." "He must have been a very difficult opponent at Scrabble." ""Another seven, William?" "." "Well done." "Look at that." ""All sevens today." "Good on you." ""Very good." "I can't compete with that." ""What's this one, again?" ". 'Betwixt'?" "." ""What does that mean?" "." "Remind me again."" ""It's another way of saying 'between."'" ""Oh, of course, aye." "Forgot about that." "Yeah." "Of course it is." ""Silly me." ""I can't help feeling, betwixt you and me," ""that's shite."" ""It's another way of saying 'shit.'" ""Fuck off, if you put an 'e' at the end of 'old,'" ""I'll put it at the end of 'shit.'" ""It's only fair, mate." ""It's only fair."" "I don't know..." "Shakespeare is just one of those subjects." "I've never used it since." "That's my point." "A lot of subjects at school, I've never used since." "Why did I learn that?" "." "It's only now, at this age, I've been going, "Why did I learn that?" ". "" "Long division." "Why did I learn long division?" "." "I'm never..." "At no point in my adult life have I found myself going," ""Oh, this is a job for long division!" ""Glad I learned that little puppy!"" "The teacher would say, "You'll learn long division, Danny." ""You have to learn it." ""What would you do if a large number came at you unexpectedly" ""and you didn't have your calculator?" "." ""How would you divide it up?" ". "" ""I wouldn't."" ""If I didn't have my calculator, I'd let that number be as big as it wants." ""Knock yourself out, number." "I don't have the tools to deal with you." ""What do you mean, if I didn't have my calculator?" "." ""It's on my phone, for Christ's sake." ""Everyone's got a calculator, now."" ""What I'm saying is, if you lost your phone, Danny," ""and a large number came at you, what would you do?" ". "" ""Well, okay, that would be difficult." ""But, to be honest, that's not the first thing I think about" ""when I lose my phone."" "I've never lost my phone and gone, "Shit, I've lost my phone." ""I hope a cumbersome equation doesn't come my way." ""I'll just carry around this calculator until I get my phone back."" ""Why are you carrying a calculator, Danny?" ". "" ""Isn't it obvious?" "." "I've lost my phone." ""I'm not an idiot." "I don't want to be hindered by sudden division."" "Bloody long division." "French, as well." "Because, I'll tell you why." "Even though you didn't ask." "French at school, the French you learned at school is very different from the French you actually use in France." "They never told you that." "French people tend not to speak in chapters." "This is a problem." "You know, like," "I don't know if they still do the cultural exchange trip between Scotland and France." "Do they still do that at schools?" "." "That was when French kids would come to Scotland and talk politics with our family." "And we'd go to France and stare at a French family for a week." "Some exchange that was, wasn't it?" "." "Just sitting there in a dusty living room." ""Aye, bonjour, bonjour."'" "Occasionally point at something." "Remember you did that?" "." "It was so embarrassing, wasn't it?" "." ""I've forgotten what that is, but can I have a..." ""Can I have that?" "." ""All right, can I have that?" "." "Can I eat that?" "." ""Biscuit." "I think it's a..." ""Can I have that?" "." "Can I eat?" "." "Can I eat the biscuit?" "." ""Hungry." ""Famished." ""Can I eat that?" "." "See that guy there?" "." ""He just walked over and he had a biscuit." ""Can I" ""have a biscuit?" "." ""No?" "." ""Pourquoi?" "." ""I'm hungry." ""I can't wait." "It's 6:00." "Six!" ""Six." "Six." ""In Scotland..." "Fucking... (IMITATES BAGPIPE PLAYING)" ""We eat at 6:00!" ""You don't eat until neuff." ""We have a sleep in Scotland." "(IMITATES SNORING)" "(IMITATES BAGPIPE PLAYING)" ""Can I have a fucking biscuit, please?" ". "" "It's not the same, though, is it?" "." "I was in Paris recently, and I went into a hotel because I thought to myself, "I'm going to go and book a room in that hotel."'" "I remember Chapter 1 4 of Allez france." ""At the Hotel."' I could do this, yeah?" "." "I'll walk in." "I'll go, "Bonjour. " He'll say, "Bonjour. "" "I' ll say, "CA vA?" ". " He' ll say, "CA vA, oui." "Merci. "" ""A vez-vous une chambre libre?" ". "" "He' ll say, "Oui. " I' ll say, "Tres bien!"" ""Une chambre pour une personne pour une nuit, "" ""silver plate."'" "Something like that." "It's not easy, though." "They don't speak in chapters." "I walked in, walked up to reception." "Ding! "Bonjour. "" "And the guy went, "Eh?" ". "" "I'll try that again there." "Ding! "Bonjour. "" ""Oui. "" "Not "oui. " "Bonjour, " "Bonjour. "" ""CA vA?" ". " "CA vA, merci, et toi?" ". "" ""Oui, cA vA. " "A vez-vous des chambres libres?" ". "" ""Did n't you d o Chapter 1 1 of Allez france?" "." ""It' s your book, pal."'" "Because French at school, right?" "." "Remember that five-minute vocab test where you had to come to the front of the class and act out a chapter from Allez france?" "." "And it was a five-minute test, you'd go into pairs to do it." "I remember this one time, the teacher said," ""Danny, Scott, I'd like you to come to the front of the class," ""act out Chapter 1 7, 'In the grocery shop.""" "He was the only kid in the class shitter at French than me." "I was like, "Really, us two?" "." "All right."'" "But Scott did one of the funniest things I ever remember a kid doing at school." "It was a five-minute test." "I'm the shopkeeper, Scott's the customer." "He walks into the imaginary grocery shop, and spends the first two minutes just browsing." "Picking up imaginary fruit. "Ah!"" "Two minutes gone of the five." "Teacher's like, "I hope there's dialogue in this." ""This is all very entertaining, but I hope there's dialogue in this."'" ""Yeah, we're just getting into the characters."'" "So then, we'll go through the pleasantries, that'll take up another minute." "Scott says, "Bonjour. " I'm the shopkeeper." ""Bonjour. "" "Scott, "CA vA?" ". "" ""Oui. "" ""Et toi?" ". "" "" Oui, aye."'" "Now we were out." "But then Scott sudd enly remembered that one phrase you can put in any French scenario," ""Qu'est-ce que c'est?" ". " "What is it?" ". "" "It fits anywhere, that." "He remembers it in a flash of brilliance." ""Qu'est-ce que c'est?" "." "Ah!"" "I was like, "Oh, you little shit."'" "You want to do this?" "." "Fine, let's do it." ""That?" "." "LA?" "." "Is a" ""une banane. "" "I always remembered "bAnAne" because it sounded a bit like "banana."'" "Scott goes, "Une bAnAne?" ". "" ""Une bAnAne. "" "Who the hell says that in a conversation?" "." ""A banana."' "A banana?" ". " "A banana."'" "But we're stringing it out here, right?" "." "So, now, the well is dry." "There's nothing more to be had of this conversation." "There's still a minute left on the clock, the game is up." "But not wanting to fail, Scott then decides to slip in an English word, in a French accent," "hoping the teacher will somehow not notice this." "He said, "Je" ""purchase" ""un kilo of these bananzas."'" "Then he totally lost it and went," ""Por ffAvore. "" ""HAblo espanol?" ". "" ""Oh, no, no." ""Je makez un mistakez."'" "T eacher' s like, "You boys have not learned this, go and sit down." ""You're wasting my time and the rest of the class's."'" "And Scott went, "Hang on, I haven't got my fucking bananas yet."'" "Went down between the tables and chairs, high-fiving the kids," ""Je m'Appelle Scott, tres bien, motherfuckers!"" "Funny days." "Anyways." "Yes." ""Good heavens, it's you," right?" "." "This is what I've said to Matt Damon, he's at my door in this theatre in New York." "Matt Damon looks a little bit scared at this point." "He said, "Yeah, it's me." "I think I've got the wrong dressing room."'" "That was obvious, but I thought I'd better explain who I am." "You know, he might just think I'm some kind of confident cleaner." "I said, "My name's Danny Bhoy, I'm on the show tonight." "I'm doing the..." ""The comedian..." "The comedy spot at the end."'" "He said, "Oh right, you're the comedian." "What's your name?" ". "" "I said, "Danny Bhoy."'" "And, quite understandably, Matt Damon said," ""Look, I'm very sorry." "I've never seen you."'" "And I said, completely by accident, I was nervous," ""That's okay." "I've never seen titanic."'" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "Do you know when you know you've said the wrong thing, but you can't correct yourself immediately, so you just think he didn't notice." "I just went, "Yeah." ""That will be all."'" "And I was sitting away from him now, thinking, "He's going to go."'" "But I didn't feel his presence leave." "And I just was like, "Come on, now, leave." ""That's ridiculous, we both know I've said the wrong thing." ""You're never going to see me again, so just get out of here."'" "And I heard this, "Excuse me."'" "I was like, "Oh for fu..." ""Ah, yes."'" "The word "titanic" was still echoing around the room." "He said, "That wasn't me that was in titanic." ""You do know that, don't you?" ". "" "And I just went," ""Yep."'" "And then... "Just leave it, Danny."'" "I decided to defend myself at that point." "This is what I said, I said, "Oh!" ""I was just saying" ""I've never seen titanic." ""Is there any films you haven't seen, Mr Damon?" ". "" "And he walked out muttering the words, "What a dick."'" "But the point is, I had a great time in America and I loved it." "I mean, I would not change it for the world." "I met some great people." "Just a word of advice to my Australian friends, to my American friends." "First of all, welcome to Edinburgh." "(WOMAN WHOOPS)" "But don't stay here." "No, I don't..." "Well, I mean..." "Sorry." "I mean, don't just stay here." "Go and see other parts of Scotland." "Because you miss out." "So many Americans say to me," "(IN AMERICAN ACCENT) "We went to Edinboro." "In Scotch Land."'" "(IN NORMAL VOICE) And it's a shame, because there's so many nice parts in Scotland that so many tourists don't see." "But if you find yourself in a remote part of Scotland in a pub in the evening, enjoying wonderful scenery, the peace and tranquillity, and enjoying our unique hospitality." "You're there in front of a roaring fire, enjoying a pint." "If the pub unexpectedly suddenly starts filling up with people, all in traditional Scottish attire, and you're not quite sure what's going on." "If at that point, you hear this noise," "(ACCORDION PLAYING) get out." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)" "Get the hell out of there." "Please, get out." "For your own good, get out." "It's not safe for you to be there any more." "The situation has changed, and not to your advantage." "Because that is the start of a Scottish ceilidh, and if you don't know what you're doing, you're going to get hurt." "It's essentially a cross between a dance and a fight." "Listen to it again, here we go." "(ACCORDION PLAYING)" "That's your cue, you've only got a few seconds." "Don't fuck about." "Leave your possessions." "Leave the old, they'll only slow you down." "Just get to a door, a window." "Jump out of a window." "It doesn't matter." "You need to get out of there, because if you don't, and people in the room will know what I'm talking about, because we all remember our first time, you'll find you're making your way to the exit," "thinking, "Oh, there must be some kind of function going on here."'" "And you don't make it to the door in time." "A stranger, a complete stranger, will grab this arm, and turn it into a strange, linking formation." ""Oh, I must've forgotten something."'" "And then another stranger will grab this arm, both with enough alcohol in them to kill an entire race." "And you'll find yourself getting dragged back into the room you were attempting to leave." "You'll look behind you and you'll see people starting a strange formation." "That is in preparation for a group beating." "And you'll get dragged into that group and you'll get kicked and punched for however long that song lasts for." "And they last forever." "And you're not even able to hear your own screams." "Because all you hear over the top is this, don't you?" "." "(CEILIDH MUSIC PLAYING)" "And you get 'round." "You go 'round, you go 'round, you go 'round." ""Shit!" "There's a sword." "Wait a minute." "Slow it down, slow it down!" ""I don't like this." "I've got fucking asthma." ""Hey, that's my knee!" "That was my knee!" ""I don't like this at all." "Ah!" "That's my head, watch my head."'" "And then go around and round and round and round." ""Can I stop now?" "." "Oh, fuck again?" "." "Really?" "." ""Ah, fuck it." "Eight times?" "." "Eight!"" "You know, there's always one person that knows the dance, and starts screaming at everyone else that doesn't know it." "Do you know that guy?" "." ""One, two, five, six, seven, eight." ""Keep going, keep going." ""Will the next couple, the next couple, come down." ""The next couple, it's got to be a boy and a girl!" ""It's got..." "It can't be two blokes!" ""Boy, girl, come down." ""Stay there!" "You, stay there!" ""You..." "Keep going, it's eight!" ""Eight!" "Five, six, seven..." ""Clapping!" "Everyone, clapping." "For God's sake." ""Heel, toe, heel, toe." ""'Round, round, round."'" "And then they lose it and go, "No, everyone," ""watch me." "Watch me!" ""Stay there!" ""Five, six, seven, eight." ""And clapping, and the next couple, come down!"" "(AUDIENCE CHEERING)" "This is the..." "You know, this is The dashing White sergeant, right?" "." "And this is unique because you always..." "You know, you do, like, eight people." "But you always lose track and you do one too many turns." "And you've got to kind of incorporate it into the dance." "You go, like, "There's someone there, someone there, someone there." ""Fuck, no one there." "Shit." ""Aye, I meant to do that." "No, I did, I meant to do that." ""That's all right." "It's fine."'" "That's me." "Thank you very much." " (PANTING) - (AUDIENCE CHEERING)" "So... (LAUGHS)" "You have been warned!" "You have all been warned." "Ladies and gentlemen," "(WHOOPS)" "(EXHALES) thank you so much for coming out tonight." "You've been a fantastic crowd, I've really enjoyed it." "And listen, I'm recording this for..." "I'm recording this for a DVD." "So, it was the only choice when someone said," ""Where do you want to record your DVD?" ". "" "I said, "It's got to be Edinburgh," ""because they're the best crowd in the world."'" "(AUDIENCE CHEERING LOUDLY)" "And in particular, in particular, well, balls out, you've been fantastic." "Thank you so much for coming." "I'll see you all again sometime." "Good night, take care." "Thank you very much." "Thank you." "You've been great." "Thank you very much." "(WHOOPS)" "Thank you, Edinburgh." "(CEILIDH MUSIC PLAYING)"