"to a dreadful dynasty of vicious vampire ducks." "The Counts of Duckula!" "Legend has it that these fowl beings can be destroyed... by a stake through the heart or exposure to sunlight." "This does not suffice, however... for they may be brought back to life... by means of a sacred rite... that can be performed once a century... when the moon is in the eighth house of Aquarius!" " Batswing blood." " I'll get it!" "The latest reincarnation did not run according to plan." "Ooh!" "In the heart of Transylvania" "In the Vampire Hall of Fame, yeah" "There's not a vampire zanier than" "Duckula" "He won't bite beast or man" "'Cause he's a vegetarian" "And things never run to plan for" "Duckula" "If you're lookin' for some fun" "You can always count upon" "The wild and wacky one they call" "Duckula" "Heh heh!" "Count Duckula!" "Heh heh heh!" "Come with us now on a journey... to a place where no human hand has set foot... and lived to tell the tale." "This is a place where the screams of tortured souls... can be heard late into the night." "This is no place for the squeamish or faint-hearted." "For here at Castle Duckula... the most dreadful thing is about to take place." "Nanny, please, not the scrubbing brush." "Ooh, there, there, Duckypoos." "We always has our bath the last Friday of the month." "But, Nanny, I shower every morning." "I don't need a Friday bath." "Where are you, my little Duckypoos?" "Come to Nanny." "Nanny, please." "Remember my dignity." "Mr. Igor, what are you doing in there?" "Searching for His Lordship's soap, Nanny." "But where's my little dumpling?" "Help me look for him." "Duckypoos, where are you?" "If he's lost, I'll never forgive myself." "Young master, are you in there?" "Have you two finished?" "Thank you." "Fetch my breakfast, would you, Igor?" "All that scrubbing's made me hungry." "May I suggest you skip breakfast this morning, sir?" "Your diet." "I finished my diet weeks ago, Igor." "Now, go down and fetch my breakfast." "Oh, if I must sir." "What's he trying to do, starve me?" "Now, come back here at once, Master Duckula." "I haven't finished with you yet." "But I've finished with bath time." "Nanny, I'm going to dress for breakfast." "Well, if you won't come to Nanny..." "Nanny will have to come and get you." "Careful, Nanny, you'Il..." "Master Duckula!" "Oh, sir, you shouldn't have troubled to come down yourself." "Whew!" "Tobogganing downstairs on a Nanny is exhausting." "What I need is food." "Come on, Igor." "Where's my breakfast?" "I'm afraid I've forgotten the combination to the larder, sir." "Igor, what's going on?" "It's very fashionable to avoid food before noon, I believe." " Sir, why..." " Igor, open that cupboard." "I'm afraid, sir, the cupboard is bare." " Igor, what's that?" " The milkman, sir." "He's waiting to be paid." "How long has he been waiting?" " Since July, sir." " Well, that's not long." "1963, sir." "Oh, I see." "Is he the only one waiting to be paid?" "We also owe the butcher, the baker..." " and the undertaker, sir." " The undertaker?" "Remember I ordered that surprise burial for you, sir... the birthday before last?" "I don't know why you couldn't have bought me a card... like any normal person." "But how are we gonna pay off all these people, Igor?" "Hello?" "Where am I?" "Who am I?" "Hello." "Nanny's come round." "Nanny, we're trying to think of how we can make some quick money." "Where am I?" "Where do you think?" "You're in Castle Duckula." "Ooh, you're nice." "Who are you?" "Nice?" "What do you mean, who am I?" "I'm Count Duckula, Nanny..." "your Duckypoos." "Don't you remember me?" "Oh, a castle." "How did I get here, then?" "I've always wanted to visit a castle." "Oh, just look, Dimitri..." "Nanny has lost her memory." "It must be catching, Sviatoslav." "I've lost mine, too." "You've lost your memory, Dimitri?" "When did this happen?" " When did what happen?" " Lose your memory." "Memory..." ""Always wanted to visit a castle."" "Wait a minute, Igor." "I've had a brilliant idea." "Does it involves doing something unspeakable to Nanny, sir?" "No, it involves people." "To be exact, the public." "Oh, I don't think that's a good idea, sir." "Not the public, sir." "They're so very common." "Common maybe, but they have what we want... cash!" "Then again, we have what they want... a beautiful castle to look around." "But there's nothing to see." "There certainly is, loads of things." "It's an architectural gem." "A place of unique historical interest." "The public will flock to see this wonderful old building." "They pay to see Versailles, Windsor Castle... the Taj Mahal, don't they?" "Come on, wake Nanny up, Igor." "I'll need all the help I can get." "Are you sure this will work, Igor?" "It's never failed yet to jolt the memory, sir." "Very well, then." "Switch on the volts and give her the jolts." "Hey, that's kind of spectacular." "We'll charge people extra to see that." "Mr. Igor, you playful old thing... tickling Nanny like that." "I don't know what you're up to, I'm sure." "Welcome back, Nanny." "Stop fooling around, you two." "Come on." "There's work to be done." "What we need first of all is some advertising." ""Open to the public."" "What a disgrace." "I'm not going to like this." "I am not going to like this at all." "Curses!" "Wunderkind..." "Finished at last!" "Mine greatest ever invention." "What do you think, Heinrich?" "OK, so don't be so enthusiastic." "This is just the most sensational wampire exterminator... you'll ever see." "It works on the reverse polarity of negative bitransversism." "You see?" "Well, what I mean is... it does everything round the other way." "See?" "See here." "When the normal person looks into the mirror... there is an image." "But this exterminator works backwards... so there's no image." "This means that when the wampire looks into the mirror... instead of there being no image... his face will show up for all to see." "Then I have him... 'cause this here rocket stake will fire... und get him from the side he least expects." "Clever." "With this, Heinrich, I will be invincible!" "Oh, Oberammergau und Westphalia!" "Who has put out the lighting system?" "What is this?" ""Attention, every member of the public..." ""it doesn't matter how common you are..." ""you can enjoy a day out at the wonderful..."" "Castle Duckula?" "!" ""Lots to see und do." "Bring lots of money..." ""und get your friends to bring lots of money, too." ""Admission..." "two Transylvanian drachmas." ""Children half price..." ""if accompanied by at least three parents."" "So, Heinrich, already the plan is forming in mine head... to capture the dreaded Count Duckula!" "Und to do it on the cheap." "Oh, sir." "Oh, dear, dear, sir." "What's wrong, Igor?" "Everything's going tremendously." "Well, that's it, sir." "All this jollity and fun, sir." "It's not right." "Where are all the cobwebs and dust, sir?" "No more cobwebs, no more dust." "Castle Duckula's a tourist must." "Hey, that's pretty good." "It's a good slogan." "Igor, write it down." "Couldn't I just dim the lights... and turn up the central damping system, sir?" "No, you cannot, Igor." "What you can do... is check that the cash register is nicely oiled... and ready to take all that lovely money." "Everything in perfect working order, milord." "Good." "How about you, Nanny?" "Is everything all right?" "Well, to tell you the truth..." "I've got rheumatics all down one side here." "It's ever since I fell in the soup, and I..." "No, no, Nanny, I mean, is everything ready for the grand opening?" "You know, is the werewolf washed and shampooed?" "Well, he would have been... if he hadn't eaten the bottle of shampoo." " Oh, dear." " And the shower." "And the bath." "All right, all right." "Igor, make a shopping list." "Put shower, bath, and shampoo on it, will you?" "And let's get ready for our lovely customers." "Nanny, the doors." "Righto, Duckypoos." "Now, let me see." "Use the handle, Nanny!" "Oh, yes, of course." "Add "front door" to that list, will you, Igor?" "Hang on, hang on." "Here they come." "Here, now, wait a minute, you lot." "You're supposed to look at the castle, not my feet." "It's all right, Nanny." "They're only being polite." "Well, I don't think it's very polite to stare at people's feet." "Gentlemen, please." "If you must stare at feet... try these rather noble ones." "They belong to the current head of the family Duckula." "Ah, so, you head of famiry... and honorable ploplietor of ploperty?" ""Ploplietor of the ploperty"?" "I say, Igor, that's a bit strong, isn't it?" "I didn't invite this lot in here to be insulted, you know." "Oh, it's all right, sir." "They mean you are the owner of all you survey." "Oh, I see." "Oh, in that case... yes, you are light." "Me the ploplietor." "Me own all ploperty." "I say, Igor, how much more of this do I have to do?" "Just leave it to me, sir." "This way, gentlemen... to the ancient and historic gymnasium and sauna." "That's it, off you go to the gymnasium and..." "Have we got an ancient and historic gymnasium and sauna?" "Hey, this is some roller rink." "Look here, stop." "You haven't paid." "I'm glad we haven't got parquet flooring." "She'd ruin it." "Hey, you!" "Where's the executions?" "I beg your pardon?" "The executions?" "Oh, dear." "We don't have any of those here." "Dad!" "Here, Dad... this bloke says there's no executions!" "Hit him, Dad!" "Go on, Dad, hit him!" "My Nigel is a very sensitive boy." "I don't like people upsetting him... because when he gets upset, he cries." "I don't like him crying." "I can quite understand that." "His crying gives me an headache." "Oh, really?" "Would you like to lie down?" "And when I gets an headache, I gets very angry... and I shakes people a lot!" "And then I hits them!" " Well, I think you've made your point!" " Good." "Perhaps you nice son would like to come down and see our beast." "It eats anything." "So what?" "So do I." "I bet you do, you little horror." "It you don't shut up, I'll make sure it eats you." "Dad!" "Dad, I don't like it here!" "I want to go home, Dad!" "Aye, after we've seen the nice beast, Nigel." "This way, everyone." "A chance for you all to see the famous Duckula family pet." "Ah, so, there's no one about." "A chance for me to test mine super transversifying exterminator." "Goosewing, you know, you're getting old." "You got worry lines, crow's-feet." "It's more like vulture's-feet." "Wait a minute." "I shouldn't be seeing any feet at all unless... unless the machine has gone wrong!" "Oh, nein, nein!" "Stupid machinery!" "It is the Duckula you should be getting, not your genius master!" "Now, here, ladies and gentlemen, we have one of the family pets." "This is..." "It." "Boy, has he got a bad temper." "Well, he probably woke up on the wrong side of the pit this morning." "Hey, wait a minute." "Who is that?" "Now, as I was saying..." "It is a cross between an octopus, a polecat, and a saxophone." "Slimy he may be, vicious he may be... but on a good day, he can make a fortune is a street musician." "He doesn't look nasty to me." "He just looks dead soft." "Perhaps you'd care to take a closer look, young man." "Igor, you know it can't stand cheap cuts of meat." "Perhaps the young man would like to see the gymnasium, sir." "And the sauna." "Yes, of course." "Wherever that is." "The rest of you, follow me." "And this is Sir Pochard Duckula... the Crazy Count who tried to prove grass was more intelligent than sand." "Thank you." "And here, Lady Pintail Duckula... the first woman to attempt to eat Castle Duckula." "Unfortunately, she only managed a turret or two... before she was beaten by indigestion." "Did you see a little guy in a rocket come this way?" "Thanks." "This open day is not going at all the way I thought it would." "Well, now, this is my favorite room in the whole castle." "That is, if you don't count the kitchen." "This is the games room." "Here you see my trusty servant, Igor... just about to show you how we play... that old Transylvanian favorite..." "Tossing the Peasant." "Hey, well done, Igor." "You've been practicing." "Come on, everyone." "Time for the highlight of the tour... tea with the count." "That's me." "This way." "We have prepared for you what can only be described... as a once-in-a-lifetime experience... the famous Transylvanian tea ceremony." "The first part of this ancient ceremony... the calling of everyone to the ritual trolley... using the ancient and mystic words..." "Tea up!" "Tea up!" "Tea up!" "Then we see the tea lady..." "Nanny... passing out the ancient and mystic buns... which, by tradition, are rock hard... and not for human consumption." "Now the tea is poured." "Then the final part... the offering to the tea maiden of a gift..." " usually money." " Hey, you!" "When do we eat?" "My little friend, are you still here?" "What a pity." "What a pity you didn't tell me earlier that you were hungry." "We'd like to try some of your traditional Transylvanian cooking." "I have the very thing right here." "What is that?" "Oh, it's just yak's milk, gorgonzola cheese... rice pudding, and salami mixed together... and left in the bucket for six months." "We Transylvanians call it "high tea"." "Dad?" "Raspberry." "I was never a great lover of raspberry." "Where is everybody, Nanny?" "It can't take this long to clean up." "Well, don't look at me." "I haven't got them." "Help!" "Help!" "Last one to the maze is a sissy." "Hey, you two, buy a souvenir before you go..." "Drat." "Look here, Nanny... you might as well pack all this stuff up." "What is it anyway?" "Toenail clippers." "Oh, yeah." "I think I prefer the watch the butler saw." "Oh, yes, that was nice." "By the way, who was it he was sawing?" "Never mind." "Ah, here he is." "Ah, Igor, at last." "Where is everybody?" "Enjoying the gym and sauna, sir." "Oh, good." "Wait a minute, Igor." "I've been meaning to ask you about this." "Where is this gym and sauna?" "Well, I..." "Come on, Igor." "I think you'd better show it to me." "But, sir, I don't think it wise." "Igor." "Oh, Igor." "Not the paying customers." "What is this?" "It tones up the muscles, sir." "And this?" "Good for the circulation." "And what's this?" "Well, we did say gymnasium and sauna, sir." "Oh, Igor, we're ruined." "Absolutely ruined." "They all demanded their money back." "Now we're in a worse state than when we started." "Never mind, ducky darling." "We can try again tomorrow." "Tomorrow?" "!" "No fear." "I never want to have another open day as long as I live." "Or as long as you're living dead, sir." "Well, I don't want to hear about open days... or have anyone speak about open days, ever." "Is that clear?" " Yes, sir." " Yes, Duckypoos." "Now all I've got to do is figure out what I'm going to do... with 200 dozen guillotine toenail clippers." "Nanny, success!" "You heard the master." "Never again will we have another open day." "We got rid of them all, Nanny!" "Got rid of them all!" "Well, not quite all, Mr. Igor." "Listen." "Help!" "Wait!" "You're the only one who knows the way out of here!" "Help!" "Help!" "Once more, the grisly cries of anguish... come from Castle Duckula as a warning to all." "So, before you go to bed tonight... be sure to lock all your doors and windows... unless you too should become the innocent victim... of the evil Count Duckula." "Good night out there... whatever you are." "If you're feeling..." "Or you're kind of..." "Could be you've met up with" "Duckula" "If your knees go..." "And your teeth go..." "Maybe you've bumped into" "Duckula" "He flies through the night" "Looking for a bite" "But he's back home by daylight" "Duckula" "If you're sort of..." "Or you're a little..." "It's certain you've run into" "Duckula" "If your heart goes..." "Or your mind goes..." "Man, you had a brush with" "Duckula" "So watch out for the..." "Beware of the..." "And pray you'll never meet with" "Duckula" "Count Duckula"