"I swear to God,sir,the better our shows are,the more money we're going to make." "If you want her to cook the meal, you got to let her shop for the groceries." "It's going to be our show now." "And only one of us can screw up at a time, and I think we both know that most of the time it's going to be me." "Listen,Mr.Stiles,I don't work for you guys." "Yeah,you do." "You just got hired as a staff writer for Studio 60." "In most other parts of the world the fact that I believe in God wouldn't be noteworthy." "But you're the only one who stars in a late-night sketch comedy show whose staple is attacking the religious right." "That's an overstatement." "We're investing $20 billion in Macao to turn it into the Las Vegas of Asia." "Nevada Day Part 1 friday 2:45pm" "Hmm?" "He's asking where we are exactly." "We're" " I told him- we're in Pahrump,Nevada." "We're about 60 miles west of Las Vegas,about 400 miles from Lake Tahoe." "I don't know if those landmarks mean anything to your father." "Legal brothels?" "What are you looking at me for?" "Yeah,we got legal brothels." "Cherry Patch Ranch,Mabel's Ranch." "I'll tell you what else." "Those two houses helped form the original infrastructure of the town of Pahrump." "These the folks from Hollywood?" "Yes,Judge." "I'm Robert Bebe,Presiding Judge,Pahrump City Court." "Which one of you's having a bad day that's about to get worse?" "Judge,I'm David Langenthal,I'm an attorney for NBS, and I've been asked to appear on behalf of Tom Jeter." "We can have you back fishing in no time if you'll just grant my motion for a favorable O.R.R." "so that Mr.Jeter can be back in Los Angeles in time for his live broadcast tonight." "No." "If it please the court..." "Does this look like a court to you,Matlock?" "Judge..." "I'm not hearing motions right now,Counselor,and if you speak again absent direct question," "I'm going to tell Deputy Boone here to shoot your ankles off- who are the Japs?" "They're Chinese,sir." "Who are you?" "I'm Jack Rudolph;" "I'm the Chairman of NBS." "What's that?" "I'm sorry?" "What's NBS?" "It's a national network of broadcasting systems." "It's the National Broadcasting System." "It's a corporation..." "I had these guys going,did you see it?" "You're idiots,did you know that?" "I'm a judge." "Do you really think I go around calling people Japs and ordering deputies to shoot lawyers?" "You think I'm some kind of backwater red-state moron who hasn't heard of NBS?" "I own a television,I know how to work it." "I also know the law,Counselor." "And I am not easily impressed,so shove your motions up your ass." "There's only one person in the room that I want to hear from and that's the shepherd in the handcuffs." "How they hell did you get yourself into my sheriff's office?" "Your Honor,my name is Tom Jeter." "I know who you are,both of you." "And you've got a hell of a problem because I don't like your television program." "It's condescending and smartass." "You make fun of people like my family,people like my friends and people like me." "You are having a very bad day,son." "I,on the other hand,am as giddy as a schoolgirl." "Start talking." "Judge..." "Are you a member of the Nevada State Bar?" "No,sir,I'm a member of the California Bar." "Well,you've wandered away from home." "The shepherd is under arrest for assault and battery, reckless endangerment,possession of a controlled substance and failure to answer a warrant." "Your Honor..." "Simon." "The joint is mine." "Don't." "The joint is mine." "He was wearing my jacket." "He didn't know what was in the pocket." "Really?" "Yes,sir." "It's an early Christmas for me." "Tom..." "Yeah?" "Tell him your story." "=The Last Fantasy=- Proudly Presents what is today?" "Today is Friday." "Yesterday,one of my fellow cast members Harriet Hayes was quoted in a gossip column,saying... she was asked what her position..." "They quoted her saying..." "This has got to be a hell of story for you not to start why you're dressed as a shepherd." "I'm actually not dressed as a shepherd." "I'm dressed as Jesus Christ." "I was taken by the police in the middle of rehearsing a sketch." "A sketch mocking churchgoers?" "Yes." "No." "Hang on." "It wasn't..." "Sir!" "I need to make it crystal clear that the marijuana belongs to me." "He borrowed my jacket." "He didn't know it was in the jacket." "You've made it clear." "If you make it any clearer,the deputy's going to have to read you Miranda, and I should point out that while possession is a misdemeanor,use is a felony." "You want me to prove use?" "It's been smoked." "I understand it's a felony in Nevada,Judge." "That's why I'm telling..." "Sammy." "Is it Sammy?" "Simon..." "Simon Stiles." "Simon,let me be your lawyer for a second." "Okay." "Shut the hell up." "Yes,sir." "Your Honor,the sketch wasn't mocking churchgoers." "It was mocking... networks have people who are in charge of what's called Broadcasting Standards and Practices." "The sketch was mocking our head of Standards and Practices." "An item in a gossip column?" "Yes,sir." "She was..." "Harriet Hayes,the woman I mentioned before,is a devout Christian,and she will often get asked..." "I've heard about her." "I imagine she's something of an outcast in Hollywood." "She is,but..." "What was she asked?" "People like to bait her." "They like to debate her?" "To bait her,they like to bait her." "What was she asked?" "She was asked about her position on gay marriage." "And what did she say?" "I said the Bible says it's a sin,It also says "Judge not,lest ye be judged"" "and that it was something for smarter people than me to decide." ""Ye" is a word you don't hear a lot." "How do you manage to see every piece of my press?" "We have a press department" " I get a daily press packet." "They highlight what they want me to see." "This one got a highlight,an arrow and a sticker." "Well,as I said,they left out the second sentence." "Yeah,can I ask you something?" "Does your ass hurt from straddling the fence like that all the time?" "Oh,please." "Are you concerned that a significant portion of your fan base in both music and television is gay, and that any number of people who work with you here are gay?" "Hang on,you don't mean to say that there are homosexuals and lesbians in show business,do you?" "'Cause I'll walk right out this building." ""The Bible says it's a sin,but it also says,'Judge not,lest ye be judged." "'" In other words,you're giving yourself a pat on the back for tolerating sinners." "I know,I never mind having problems with the press because I know I can always count on you for your support." "Look..." "A lecture,I meant I can always count on you for a lecture." "Am I done?" "Sure." "Kim,why the viola and not the violin?" "I'm asking your daughter why the viola not the violin?" "My father says there's a shortage of good viola players." "Really?" "He read an article." "My father reads papers from all around the world and I translate them." "Good morning." "Jack this is Mr.Zhiang Tao." "How do you do,sir?" "Very well,thank you." "His daughter Kim is also interpreting for us today." "Hello,Kim." "Hello." "Mr.Kuan-Yin Zhao." "Mr.Chen Yang." "Jack,can I have you outside for just a second?" "Gentlemen,and young lady,would you excuse us just one moment?" "We're this close." "Yeah?" "Yeah." "The last nine moths,I've logged over 90,000 air miles back and forth to Macao." "This is the first time they've come here." "What about Parsons?" "He didn't come here to meet with Time-Warner." "He came to meet with us." "And he brought his daughter?" "She's on a scholarship at Julliard." "She's a viola prodigy." "Because apparently there's a shortage of players." "Her father strongly encouraged her to fill that need." "Good,'cause I've always felt The People's Republic of China was just one good string section away from being able to feed itself." "She's also intoxicated by American popular culture." "How intoxicated?" "Teenaged girls are teenaged girls." "I don't care where they come from or how good they play the viola." "She's going to be our way into Macao." "She wants to meet Tim Jeter from Studio 60." "Tom Jeter." "Her father promised her she could." "He wants to look like a big deal in Hollywood in front of her." "Fathers of daughters." "They're also the same anywhere you go." "I can get her in a room with anybody she wants." "She wants to meet Tom Jeter?" "You'll have somebody take care of it?" "Yeah." "They leave tomorrow." "They're using our jet." "He's going to drop her back at school in New York,then he goes home." "You've got to do it by tomorrow." "That's no problem." "We're this close." "I just drove us 99 yards down the field." "Take it the last yard." "Put it in the damn house." "It's really Jeter she wants to meet?" "One more yard- in the end zone." "Yeah,all right." "Hey." "Hang on." "What are you working on?" "Yeah,I'm on the third page.I should know by now." "We're already 18 minutes fat." "Yeah,Visa's gonna be funny and Dylan's got this Mexican Santa Claus that's demented,but..." "But what?" "We don't have the sketch everybody's talking about on Monday." "We still have time." "Yeah,and in terms of meeting our quota of offended people,we're probably fine with the demented Mexican Santa Claus." "The character isn't demented; it's the comedy." "I understand." "So can I go back to not writing?" "Yeah." "And I just ran the early script past Standards,and everything's okay." "They just want to make sure in the Lifetime Movie sketch that it's clear Jeannie's saying "Geez" and not "Jesus." "" Whatever." "You see Harriet's quote on "Page Six"?" "Yeah.I talked to her.They left out the second part." "The second part doesn't excuse the first part." "It only sounds like it does." "Don't worry about it." "No,what I'll worry about instead is that Jeannie accidentally not say "Jesus" instead of "Geez,"" "'cause if that happened,the sky would fall down." "How do they get involuntarily deputized as a Commandments enforcer?" "By working in broadcasting." "Uh-uh,blasphemy isn't a FCC issue." "There's no threat of fines." "It's a community standards issue." "But it's not my community we're talking about." "You can't use the Lord's name in vain,and that's not going to change,and you know it,so move on." "It's not my lord we're talking about,either." "We've had this conversation,and it bores me now." "It's one thing to be asked to respect someone else's religion, it's another to be asked to respect their taboos." "In my religion,it's disrespectful to God not to keep your head covered." "You don't see me insisting that the cast of CSI:" "Miami wear yarmulkes." "That'd be an unusual creative direction for CSI:" "Miami." "Half the shows in primetime start with two strippers getting strangled after a lap dance." "And that's fine with me,but if it's also fine with Jesus, then I don't see the need to tiptoe around His name." "Matt,you'll be able to have a character tell another character to do something to himself that is anatomically impossible." "You'll be able to do it at 8:00 on a Sunday before you'll be able to use "God" or "Jesus" as an expletive." "I can only write "Jesus" or "Christ" when I'm referring to Jesus Christ?" "Yes." "Let me tell you something." "If Jesus was the head of Standards and Practices,he would pimp-slap the whole lot of us and not because we used his name in..." "Jesus is the head of Standards and Practices." "And there's your Monday morning sketch." "Yeah." "You see how I did that?" "I'll try to have the first draft in a couple hours and pages before the dinner break." "I'm the puppet master." "You didn't even have a conversation with Standards,did you?" "No." "Okay." ""And so I'd like to introduce" ""our new vice president in charge of Standards and Practices,Jesus H.Christ." "" "The group applauds as Tom dressed as Jesus stands at the head of a conference table." "" "Thank you very much,and it's good to walk among you." "" "Jesus Christ,is it hot in here." "Do you mind if I open a window?" "" He's really going for it,isn't he?" "He's just sticking it to Standards." "Well,it's funny so I don't care,but he's sticking it to me." "I'm heading back." "I got to go,too." "We'll see you back there." ""Jesus,let me ask you." ""Does it bother you if your name is used "in a frustrated exclamation?" ""I mean,it's one of the Commandments,so I figure..." "" "Yeah,I had spikes driven through my hands and feet,"rocks thrown at my head." ""My father orchestrated the whole thing." "But what really gets to me is when someone calls me names." "" Excuse me." "I'm really sorry to bother you." "I'm just such a big fan." "Would you mind?" "Not at all." "It's nice to meet you.What's your name?" "Jim." "Okay,Jim." "Thanks a lot for saying hi." "You made my day." "It broke my heart to do that." "Yeah?" "Actually,it felt pretty good." "You're a homophobic little bitch,you know that?" "Why don't you take your CD and shove it up your tight ass?" "Guys,step back." "Okay,hang on." "You think you're better than me?" "I think this is about the "Page Six" column,and I'm glad you brought it up." "We're sinners?" "God doesn't like us so much?" "He speaks to you personally?" "You Southern redneck bitch." "Guys,you're too close - step back." "Shut up,you little twerp." "You little maggot.You little piece of crap." "How about I break your arm then unbutton my pants while I do it?" "What I want you to do is step back; you're too close." "Listen,seriously,the quote was truncated." "I didn't..." "Get in the car." "Let's just start from the beginning" "Get in the car!" "'cause I understand..." "Say it to my face,bitch." "If I read the same thing about myself..." "Get in the car!" "Call me a fag!" "Harriet!" "Call me a faggot!" "Say what you want but stand the hell back." "You all right?" "Harry,in the car now." "Come on,man!" "Where are you going,coward?" "!" ""Jesus,I don't think you're gonna be able to get the networks to forgive its debtors." "" "We should." "" "We won't." "" "It'd be nice." "" "Still..." "" "It's compassionate and charitable." "" "You know,just to be clear; our debtors aren't lepers,they're advertisers." "" "Money changers." "" "If that helps you." "" "Okay,just thinking outside the box." "" "Stay inside." "" "Jesus Christ,can we get this underway?" "" "Sure." "" "We called this meeting because a number of our writers are asking that "from time to time,they be allowed to take your name in vain in their script." "" "As well as the name of your father." "" "In their defense it is part of the adult vernacular." "" "I see." "" "Don't smite anybody." "" "I'll try to control myself." "" "We were hoping you could speak to the writers and make it clear that it's absolutely forbidden." "" "Yeah.No,I don't care." "" "You don't care?" "" "No!" ""Caring for the weakest among us,that's my thing." ""Lend a hand,"be a good neighbor,Don't cast the first stone." "Do those things,you can call me 'Betty' for all I care." "" "Jesus,you don't care about people taking your name in vain?" "" "They're people.They get frustrated." "" "What about your father?" "" "Get him." "" "What?" "" "Get him." "" " Get God?" "" "Get him." ""He sent me here to die a pretty gruesome death." ""He planned it." "You want to hear what I call him at Sunday dinner?" "" "What?" "" "I call him 'Dad' 'cause I'm forgiving." "That's why I need the rest of you to get him." "" Jesus Christ." "Yes,sir?" "No,that was just an exclamation." "You let them do this?" "Judge..." "You allow this?" "Sir..." "You let them mock the Lord with snide little jokes that belittle the faith of millions and millions of people including" " I should say- myself." "No,he doesn't,Judge.We cut the sketch." "We're not doing it tonight." "We're doing it." "No,we're not." "We ordered it cut,and it's cut." "Moreover,Tom is a performer on the show." "He does the material he is given." "That is his job." "I'm the one who insulted you and I apologize." "I'm the one who insulted you and the sketch stays in." "Is it on the record someplace that it was my dope in his pocket?" "Fellas,I'm still under arrest." "It's unusually cold in the studio today." "Did I wear the same costume last season as a shepherd?" "Anybody?" "Yes." "You weren't here last year." "I watched TV last year." "And it's the same thing I wore as the singing shepherd,right?" "Yeah." "I'll tell you why I'm asking." "It's 'cause I'm freezing." "Be a man!" "I'm trying,but I'm wearing a frock." "I'm pretty cold." "All right,take this,would you?" "Thank you Put it on.." "All right,hang on." "Darius Yes,sir." "read the changes." "I look good in this jacket." "Would a carpenter wear something like this?" "He wasn't a carpenter;" "Joseph was a carpenter." "Jesus was a farmer." "He wasn't a farmer." "What was he?" "I think he was just kind of a roving troubadour." "It's almost hard to believe everybody hates Hollywood." "It's good." "Yeah?" "Yeah." "I have a lot of people who blow smoke at me, so many that the network has to pay people to tell me the truth." "Right now,that's you." "It's all over the place." "Take a break." "That's 20.Back at 9:15!" "Tom." "Yeah?" "There are two gentlemen who need to see you in the lobby." "Sure,let me just change." "I'm Tom Jeter." "Mr.Jeter,I'm Detective Trentanelli." "This is Detective Hillary." "We're from the West Hollywood Police Department." "We don't like this and neither will you,but we have a warrant for your arrest on a charge of assault." "This won't take long,but you're..." "Simon put you up to this?" "Or Harriet?" "Whatever they gave you,seriously,I'll double it if we can turn this thing around on them." "No,this isn't a gag.I wish it was." "You threw a man to the ground yesterday, and there were witnesses,and it was also caught on a couple of security cameras." "Oh,God." "No,I didn't throw him to the ground." "He's pressing charges,and they won't stick." "What he wants is to be able to sue you,and not for nothing,but I'd sue him back." "We have to take you in and book you." "You'll be able to post bond with your credit card." "The whole thing won't take an hour." "You want to call your lawyer?" "I don't have a lawyer." "I have an agent at William Morris." "Is they're gonna be a story in the papers that I beat a guy up?" "Sometimes that enhances a man's reputation." "This guy was gay." "Well,there's nothing we can do about the press." "Why?" "You've got guns." "And I'm sorry,but we're gonna have to put these on you." "Also,you have the right to remain silent." "Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law." "You have the right to speak to an attorney and have an attorney present during any questioning." "If you cannot afford an attorney..." "The problem is a companion piece." "I don't have anything in the pipeline." "I want to start having meetings with the top writers and offering them blank checks." "Jack,we were just talking about how to develop a companion piece for Nations." "How about an hour drama about a bunch of network executives who open a carpet- cleaning business after losing their jobs 'cause they put Nations on the air?" "Like it,love it,love the guy who brought it to me." "Is this meeting over?" "No,we were just gonna start on the..." "Is this meeting over?" "Sure." "It's not a bad idea." "What?" "The fired executives.It could also be a car wash." "Thank you." "Time-Warner's going to buy into TeleSat China so they'd have satellite distribution,which we don't." "That's not my floor of the building." "TeleSat gives them a hundred-million-dollar advantage over us in the race for Macao, so it's everybody's floor of the building." "Is Zhang going to base his decision on a hundred million dollars?" "He's Chinese- who knows what the hell guides his decisions?" "It might be a 19-year-old viola player." "Then maybe this isn't the best time to tell you." "What?" "That the Post ran an excerpt from my ex-husband's book this morning." "Saying what?" "I don't like children,I don't want to have children,I would never hire a woman with children." "Anything else?" "I don't like dogs." "Okay." "By the way,his daughter needs to meet Tom Jeter." "That's no problem." "You're not allowed to say those words." "Got it." "Mickey Tahoe and Ron Oswald tell me they're right now rehearsing a sketch over there with the new head of Standards and Practices as Jesus." "That's a funny premise." "That's not funny." "They're not doing it." "Jack..." "They're not doing it while that idiot you married is going around saying you don't like women who have children." "I'll ask 'em to cut it." "I'll ask 'em to cut it." "You're busy developing a show about the glamorous world of UNICEF." "Yeah,and the whole thing's gonna be mimed." "Hi." "Darius,right?" "Yeah." "Where is everybody?" "Well..." "Tom Jeter's been arrested for assault and he was taken down to the West Hollywood Police Station to get booked." "Simon Stiles loaned him his jacket,which happened to have a half a joint in the pocket, so Simon ran down there to make sure Tom wasn't charged with possession." "Harriet Hayes is pretty upset 'cause all this happened while she was being heckled by gay hooligans and Matt Albie's in his office rewriting the Jesus sketch." "Are you pitching me a sketch?" "No,sir." "Whereiseverybody?" "Like I said,Tom Jeter..." "Danny!" "What the hell is going on?" "Tom got arrested." "We came out of dinner last night." "Some guys got in Harriet's face for the gay marriage thing in the Post." "Tom tried to break it up and pushed one of them,and the guy's pressing charges." "Tom's wearing my jacket and it's got a joint in it." "He's gonna get searched,if they haven't done it already." "Let's get down there." "He's not there." "This is getting out of hand." "Where is he?" "In the police van headed to Nevada." "Why?" "'Cause the computer kicked out an outstanding warrant for failure to answer to a speeding ticket he got in a small town called Pahrump." "Danny." "Seriously,is this a sketch?" "He's being extradited.Where the hell have you been?" "Breakfast!" "I'm going to Burbank Airport,and I'm getting the next flight to Vegas or Reno,and I'm renting a car." "I'm going with you." "You can't come with me- it's Friday." "No,this is what producing is.Let me just talk to Matt." "See if we can do this without anyone finding out,like the press or the network." "Finding out what?" "Hi." "Finding out what?" "Hmm?" "Without the press or the network finding out what?" "That we're frauds." "We can't do this,we're not funny." "Just Friday insecurity." "Boy,we never get over those insecurities,do we?" "No,we don't." "Like,it's a long story,but I wrestle with some abandonment issues." "Okay,well,we got to go." "Wait.I came here." "Of course.What can I do for you?" "Two things:" "If Jackson asked you to cut your Jesus sketch," "I want you to argue with him,dig your heels in,and then say yes." "Sure." "I'm serious." "You got it!" "Really?" "It's a whiny inside joke that picks at an empty symbolic line in the sand,and Matt's blowing it anyway." "Great,but I want you to fight Jack a little bit before you give in." "Sure." "I'll tell you why." "He doesn't need to know why." "I mean,why?" "What the hell is going on?" "Nothing." "Okay,Simon,mind if I talk to Danny alone?" "Yeah.Sure." "Quickly please.I'll be downstairs." "Jack needs to win one." "He's a very proud man" " I've taken his lights out four times in a row: hiring you, putting crazy Christians on the air,rejecting Search and Destroy and buying Nations." "Fight him for five rounds,and then take a dive." "Make it look good." "You got it,Mugsy.Anything else?" "No." "Great." "Oh,yeah.Wait." "A multibillion-dollar deal in Macao,China,that Wilson White's spearheading apparently rests on Zhiang Tao's daughter Kim getting to meet Tom Jeter- is he around?" "You couldn't have lead with that,huh?" "Come with me." "Hey,I asked you to run the place for 45 minutes while I had a waffle." "I was working on an ending for the Jesus sketch." "Well,first of all,you're not gonna need one,and second... way to prioritize." "What do you want me to do?" "Hide a file in a cake and grease the screws?" "He'll be back in a minute." "No,he won't be back." "He's on his way to Pahrump,Nevada." "Why?" "Yes,Danny,why?" "All right,what we have here is a domino situation." "The car is downstairs." "It's going to take you first next door,where,Kim,Tom Jeter is very excited to meet you." "Really?" "Yeah." "No." "Well,I'm sure he's got a hat for you," "The car will take you to the tarmac,where our plane will take you to Teterboro airport" "A helicopter will take Kim and drop her in the middle of the Julliard viola section." "The jet'll refuel and take you to Macao by way of Newfoundland,Scotland and Zagreb,Croatia." "Croatia." "Kim,your father understands that even with the trip to New York it will still be shorter to turn the plane around and fly west?" "He flies in one direction." "Okay." "Does Tom Jeter have a girlfriend?" "I don't know,but I know for sure he's got a boxed set of DVDs and a tote bag with your name on it." "Is it important?" "Excuse me." "Yeah?" "Is he in with you right now?" "Yeah." "Okay,act normal." "Why?" "Say the name of the town again." "Pahrump." "Now,here's the interesting part." "Gosh,it-it seems pretty interesting right now." "I've spoken to David Langenthal." "Today is a holiday called Nevada Day." "It's the annual celebration of the anniversary of Nevada being admitted to the Union." "All state and local officials have the day off." "There's no judge." "Yeah,they're gonna have to hold him until Monday." "No,they're not." "Yeah,they are." "No,they're not" " I've thrown 149 fundraisers for the governor of Nevada." "He's gonna have to interrupt somebody's golf game." "You really want to get into influence peddling?" "I'm not saying he he has to tell a judge how to rule" " I'm saying he has to tell a judge to gobe a judge!" "Hi." "I'll call you back." "Kim... bad news." "Tom Jeter is en route to what I guess you... have to call a sort of... police station." "Is he hurt?" "Oh,no,no,he's fine." "And as soon as he comes back,I'll tell you what's gonna happen." "He's gonna call you personally in your dormitory room and send you a signed photograph,as well as the hat the DVDs and the tote bag." "Is the police station on the way to the airport?" "No,the police station is in Pahrump,Nevada." "Well,Nevada's on the way to New York." "Yes,it is." "He says it's fine." "Uh,what's fine?" "We'll stop there on the way." "Yes,that's exactly what we're gonna do." "We're all gonna get on the NBS jet and go to Pahrump,Nevada." "Won't find any high-level executives from AOL Time-Warner in Pahrump,Nevada,I can promise you that." "Let me make a quick phone call." "It became a state in 1864,I believe." "Its silver and gold production were needed to help finance the Civil War." "You don't like kids and dogs?" "Yeah.Or orphans." "Why?" "Is that bad?" "It's Jordan." "Really?" "Okay." "Be at Santa Monica Airport in an hour." "Get on the NBS jet with Jack and David Langenthal from Legal." "Jack's getting a judge over there." "Let's go!" "Wait,you can't go." "It's gonna be fine." "I'll watch a rehearsal feed on my laptop and be on the phone with everybody the whole day." "What about me?" "No parties,no loud music,don't play with matches." "This isn't a problem,except if Tom doesn't make it back,or they hold Simon." "Then you have to write an alternate show." "Pahrump's a funny name." "Yeah." "Listen,I suspect there are gonna be some people coming through to try and help me," "They're gonna mean well,but is there any way I can get on the official record that they're not with me?" "Let's just get inside." "This'll be over soon." "Good morning." "How are you?" "Just fine,this is Tom Jeter." "I just need some signatures." "Here and...here." "Mr.Jeter." "You were driving 120 miles per hour through Pahrump and didn't RSVP to our citation for speeding and reckless endangerment." "I understand- it was unforgivably forgetful of me." "Forgetful." "Yes,sir." "Hey." "Nice.Is that your dog?" "That's Daisy." "I got a basset hound,too,tri-colored." "I'm a basset hound guy." "I subscribe to the newsletter,The Basset Hound Bugler." "Hey,girl." "She probably smells Roscoe." "No,she's trained." "Would you uncuff him,please?" "I'm gonna need you to empty your pockets." "Danny." "Yeah." ""Delta Airlines,struggling recently,has asked "a US bankruptcy court for permission "to outsource 1,800 jobs." ""It's still unclear from the court filings "how the nine-year-old Malaysian children will be able to reach the steering wheel in the cockpit." "" It's not bad.It's not great." "Delta doesn't employ children,Malaysian or otherwise." "Yeah." "It's just a joke about corporate America in general." "Okay." "You hear the one about the black guy who could run really fast while eating watermelon and collecting welfare?" "It's not a joke about you,Simon- it's a joke about black people in general." "God,Jack,I'm sorry." "I didn't realize that corporations had been the butt of stereotyping for 400 years." "By the way,you doing a sketch this week where you cleverly get around rules about taking the Lord's name in vain?" "Yeah." "You're not anymore." "Okay." "What do you mean?" "I mean,okay,I'll cut it." "Just like that?" "Oh,yeah,I'm supposed to fight you for five rounds." "Jordan told you to take a dive?" "As a courtesy to you." "She said you hadn't won one in a while,so..." "This..." "This is what you call a win?" "Getting him to take us and not Time-Warner,that's a win." "Getting you to cut a sketch is chewing a stick of gum." "Bad enough I'm an errand boy today,arranging autographs for teenyboppers and getting Jeter out of jail," "I've got you and McDeere patronizing me?" "You know what?" "Keep the damn sketch." "I don't need the win." "It's your funeral." "Well,I'm cutting the sketch because I don't like it, but I don't think anybody's going to a funeral,so let's relax." "Danny?" "Yeah." "I wouldn't get too many eggs in Jordan's basket." "I don't think she's gonna make it through this anymore." "Now you relax." "This is yours?" "Yeah." "Well,I'm sorry,Mr.Jeter but you're carrying this in the wrong state." "I know." "Wait here while I start the work on this." "Yes,sir." "Et tu,Daisy?" "I'm a basset hound guy." "What do you mean,you don't think she's gonna make it anymore?" "I mean enough is enough." "She thumbed her nose at money-printing in Search and Destroy 'cause it didn't meet her moral standards, while letting HBO bid her up on a commercially untenable show about the United Nations." "She has a sordid sex history..." "Jack." "which will continue to get more sordid as her psycho-loser ex-husband lobs bombs at us every time he feels the spotlight dimming a little." "She's gettin' chummy with the artists when she should be chummy with the TMG brass and a boss to the talent." "She delights in tweaking the religious community every bit as much as Matt does." "That is not true." "No one delights in tweaking the religious community nearly as much as Matt does." "And she seldom raises her voice." "Why is that bad?" "It's not,it's good." "I like it.I like her." "I'm rooting for her." "But if her firing is inevitable,then I have to be the one to do it not the parent company or I'll be weakened." "Well,yeah,but if you stood up for her..." "I am standing by her right now." "Why the hell do you think she hasn't been fired already?" "God,it's just gossip columns." "Hollywood isn't run by liberals,it's run by companies." "And you could look for a pretty long time before finding a liberal on the board of directors of any of those companies." "They don't like this girl,Danny." "She's embarrassing them." "Electrics is asking does the up-center gobo switch out before or after the second C-break." "Well,I'll ask Danny 'cause he's the one that knows what those words mean." "The cast of a Fellini film is on a Gulfstream jet headed to Pahrump,Nevada." "Danny,Simon,Jack Rudolph,an NBS lawyer named David Langenthal, and the only billionaire communist in the world and his daughter,a viola player." "What's gonna happen when they get there?" "Well,it's a state holiday in Nevada, so they're gonna find an unhappy judge who probably wasn't pre-disposed to like us in the first place." "Tom's got to fight the culture wars?" "If he wants to make it back here by dress." "I should be on that plane,too." "Yeah?" "Danny wouldn't let me go." "Well,we are running low on cast members and executive producers." "Matt..." "Why in the world didn't you tell me about what happened outside the restaurant?" "It wasn't a big deal,it happens all the time." "It wasn't a big deal?" "No." "So Tom was being held on a routine charge of assault?" "Tom barely touched the guy." "He got in between me and the guy." "The guy doesn't want Tom in jail,he wants his money." "Thanks for the legal analysis,but he doesn't want Tom's money,either, he wants the deep pockets,he wants the network's money." "Why didn't you tell me what happened?" "You'd just given me the wrath of a righteous man,remember?" "Look..." "Rant." "I meant to say rant of a righteous man." "I'm asking some people to come to my office and help me prepare an alternate show in case Tom doesn't make it back." "And if they end up booking Simon for possession,you got to do "News 60" alone." "You can put Alex or Dylan with me." "It's Simon's chair." "You're right." "Okay." "I don't even know what the sides are in the culture wars." "Well,your side hates my side because you think we think you're stupid, and my side hates your side because we think you're stupid." "20 minutes?" "Yeah." "I guess with you being a TV personality I should be expecting an army of Hollywood agents throwing their weight around." "No,it's... it's not like that at all." "I'm Jack Rudolph,I'm the Chairman of NBS,I believe the governor's office mentioned I was coming." "This is a Black American Express card." "I can post a million-dollar bond with it,so let's get going." "This can't possibly be happening to me." "Are you all right?" "I'm fine." "Don't say anything until I tell you to." "Did you have three years of law school this morning?" "Everybody.Please." "Deputy,my name's David Langenthal,I'm in the counsel's office at NBS." "I've been asked to help straighten this out so that Mr.Jeter can be back in LA in time for his live broadcast this evening." "Well,as I explained to your colleague,Mr.Dyson," "Mr.Jeter is on a no-bail hold." "He can't be released until he appears in front of a judge." "We know that." "Problem of course is that today is Nevada Day, a holiday in the state of Nevada,and all state and municipal employees have the day off." "You're working." "Somebody's got to police the streets." "That's right,'cause we wouldn't want the streets of Pahrump exposed to the dangers of Tom." "Simon." "A judge is coming,we were told a judge is coming." "Yes,sir,I'm told a judge is on his way." "Took him off his fishing trip." "He's not gonna be happy." "How 'bout if I buy him a boat,will that make him happier?" "Jack." "Why don't you all sit down?" "Can I ask you how Mr.Jeter came to be extradited?" "On August 16,Mr.Jeter was cited for speeding and reckless endangerment after being stopped going in excess of 120 miles per hour in a 65-mile-per-hour zone." "When he failed to appear as ordered before a judge,an FTA- that's failure to appear- was issued along with a bench warrant and the charge was moved up to a B-felony." "That's extraditable." "That makes sense." "Good job." "We've just got to wait for the judge." "Where's my jacket?" "They've got it." "It's got a half a joint in one of the pockets." "Let's light it up." "Did you tell them it was yours?" "Shut up,I'm already here." "The joint's mine." "The joint in his jacket pocket was mine,it was my jacket." "He's not nearly cool enough to have a jacket like that,it's obviously my jacket." "Simon,please." "Put it on the record." "We'll wait for the judge." "Did you tell them why you were speeding?" "No." "Tell them why you were speeding." "No." "Why not?" "Because." "Officer,there is a very good reason why..." "Simon." "No." "Listen,I appreciate you're all wanting to help,but just out of curiosity, what were you planning on doing once you got here?" "Tom?" "Yes?" "You sent assassins?" "Tom,this is Zhiang Tao- just roll with it- a potential TMG business partner, and this is his daughter Kim,who flew here with her father on their way to New York just to meet you... as Wilson White promised them she could." "Okay." "Me and my friends think you're the greatest." "You want me to make it out to "Kim"?" "It's my joint." "Shut up." "Well,it all started like this:" "Harriet was born and became a homophobe, so Tom had to fend off some gay street toughs,one of whom is pressing charges." "From there,they found an outstanding warrant for failing to appear for a speeding ticket in a place called Pahrump,Nevada." "Tom had borrowed Simon's jacket,and the rest you know." "I have every hope they'll get back for dress,but if they're not... we gonna put it on the new show" "to be continued"