" What's the matter with you, Leslie?" " I have to live with you." "What's the matter with you?" "Well, I'm not sneery and prickly and I don't smell like feet!" "Have a ruddy bath, find a ruddy job and... change your personality!" "You know what?" "I had more fun in that police cell than here." "Ask yourself why, because I've given you a loving and happy home." "Maybe I'm not the happy kind." "Well, you're making us feel the same way." "Adolescents are all hard work, aren't they?" "How was Larry at 18?" "Er..." "Like a tall, evil goblin, but sort of fun." "Whereas Leslie, who I love, obviously, is a twit with a gun." "Ugh." " What is this?" " Oh, you don't want to know." " Oh, Margo has got a job, though." " Congratulations." "Companion to the Countess Mavrodaki." "Well, we all need someone to be with." "If you mean Sven, I am tired of trying to break through his bloody shell." "Oh, but he's so handsome." "Yeah, and wouldn't it be nice if, just once, a man could look good with his shirt off and want to share some thoughts?" "Isn't love worth pursuing?" "Is this bile?" "Who knows?" "Patients are full of surprises." "Don't change the subject." "Yes, love is worth pursuing." "Hey!" "Why is everyone shouting at me today?" "Look, I know this is Greece, but you're gonna have to speak English." "Louisa." "Sven." "Are you busy or just being rude?" "I'm busy." "Do you have to be so secretive?" "I've already got a son at home who is about to implode because he can't express himself." "I just like my privacy." "Right." "I just thought we knew each other well enough to pop by and say hello." "Well, sometimes a man is an island." "Oh?" "It's 'no man is an island', you idiot." "Right, well, I'll get back to my family." "Your principal function will be to read to me, as my eyes tire easily." "I know, mine are the same." "Well, I hope not." "No." "Sorry." "I was just trying to agree with you." "My last job was a bit of a calamity, so I need this to go well." "Demetrios used to read to me, but his voice is rather unpleasant." "It isn't and my name is Dennis." "He's still learning where to place the cutlery around the table." "So I am delighted to have you here as my companion." "Mowgli!" "Something's crawled into it." "It's two beautiful bats." "Look." "I don't want to see bats!" "No more frigging wildlife out here." "They've got to go somewhere." "Outdoors?" "Where they came from?" "God!" "One collects them, the other executes them." "I hate that turkey farmer." "Crippenopoulos?" "Yes." "Crusty." "Vile." " Money-grabbing weasel." " Is that his name?" "Crippenopoulos?" "No." "So why call him that, then?" "Because he's like the murderer Crippen." "I've added the Greek suffix "opoulos" because we're in..." "Please find me some cleverer people." "Oh, will you piss off upstairs and do your typing." "I'm recharging my batteries, while I find out if they'll publish my novel." "That's a story in book form, with chapters." "I found some baby owls in the woods." "And I've put the bats somewhere safe!" "Roger, shush." "No-one likes a loud mouth." "So, are you a pain, because your so-called girlfriend is miles away?" "Are you one, because you'll never ever get another girlfriend?" "Bog." "Who's there?" "Leslie!" "Oh, come on!" "Get them out!" "Leslie!" "Leslie, I mean it!" "Ah!" "Aaah!" "Leslie!" "Help me!" "Leslie!" "Leslie!" "Here we go again." "What?" "Oh, my God, he's got rabies." "Help!" "Help!" "Urgh!" "Uhh!" "Help!" "Larry?" "Whoo!" "God!" "Oh, darling." "Oh!" " I want Leslie dead." " I'll deal with this." "He's got to learn." "What's going on?" "No." "You've killed it." " It's only a bat, Gerry." " They're lovely." "All creatures are." "Especially the ones no-one likes." "Oh." "Go on, then." "Take your misery out on me." "A tent." "For you to live in." "In the garden until you start to appreciate the home and family life." "So where are you intending to sleep?" "Don't you... dare." "Get off!" "Sotos." " Leslie." " English." "Erm..." "Can I stay with you?" "Lady Marchmont watched Sir Timothy's hands dancing on the piano keys." "Even the back of his neck was handsome." "Mm." " How's it coming along?" " Splendidly." "You don't get any better, do you?" "But Lady Marchmont's head was in turmoil." "Well, it would be." "So she asked for a cold compress and took it with her to her room, which tended, in any case, to be chilly." "You're reading it like that, are you?" "Jealousy does not become you." "Shall I bring you some easier fruit?" "You're a rude man." "Lugaretzia, if that's Greek for "You're a dreadful mother"," "I will make you clean out the pelican." " Leslie is best child." " Yes." "I know you think Leslie is best child." "Now please go and ask Spiro to find him." "Well, I've run out of good books to read, so I might as well sort you out." "Sort me out?" "If you hadn't been so unkind to Leslie, he'd still be here." "You're so shirty." "I smell man trouble." "If you mean Sven, as everybody seems so intent on shoving us together, he's clearly not interested." "Well, he wouldn't be the first moody Swede." "You're better off with a Finn." "Well, there weren't any Finns." "Anyway, he seems to enjoy being strong and silent and... well... male." " So he's like Mr Darcy, in ..." " Yes, I know what book Mr Darcy is in!" "Thank you." "And for all the failings of English men, at least I understand them." "And England." "Smug, tweedy old England?" "Pudding Island?" "What's wrong with pudding?" "Leslie, eat." "Thanks." "First... run round." "What?" "To eat, run round." "What?" "Run round the shack?" "Bugger off." "Darling, don't, supper's nearly ready." "Listen, this is important." "I have to get hold of better clothing or I won't get the boyfriend I want." "The Countess has gorgeous clothes." "A true boyfriend will love you even if you're wearing a dirty old sack." "Mrs Durrell." "Your son Leslie." " What's happened?" " He is living with bad people." "Oh, darling." "Please come home." " No." "You chucked me out." " I know and it was wrong." "But you are way out of your depth with these men." "They're my friends." "Well, at least let me come in and tidy." " No." " Leslie!" "I don't know what's gone wrong between us." "How can I make it better?" "I..." "I just can't seem to be happy." "Mrs Durrell." " Kalispera." " Ah, good evening." "Kalispera." " I come to arrest." " The gentlemen who live here don't seem to be at home." "My son is just about to leave." " Yes." "I want him." " What?" " Why?" "But you can't do that!" "What's he done?" "Leslie?" "I haven't done anything!" "I miss my bat, Lugaretzia." "I'm going to give him a good send-off." "Leslie's shorts." "Herete." "Hello." "My name's Margo." "Angel." "You know, like an angel." "So, er, you like to watch me at work." "Yes, I love gardening." " Killing turkeys is a serious crime." "He's bailed for a week." " Thank you, Officer." "It's so unfair!" "Sssh!" "You're only out on bail." "They can arrest you again." "It's outrageous." "Why bother to respect the law?" "The farmer obviously thinks we have tons of money and we'll roll over ..." "You've always told me honesty is its own reward." "Well, it's not true." "Is it?" "Leslie, just... come home." "Lugaretzia's beside herself." "Larry's written you a very funny poem based on the Ballad Of Reading Gaol." "Well, we all miss you, darling, terribly." "Well, I don't miss you." "Lady Margo, you are stunning." "Yes, Angel, I am." "Very much so..." "I'm..." "I'm sorry." "I'll take it off." "I'll have to tell the Countess." "What?" "No." "Why?" "The villa is her entire universe." "She insists on knowing everything." "Please don't dislike me." "I don't dislike you." "But I am the Countess's guard dog, in human form." "You're going to have me sacked." "She decides everything." "That's why it's the Villa Mavrodaki." "Not the Villa Dennis." "They've charged him with threatening our local farmer, shooting, letting our dog savage his turkeys and failure to pay compensation." "A pack of lies!" "Is it a pack of lies?" "Of course it is." "But he has to appear in court next week." "I need you two to be our lawyers." "Is that wise?" "We are respectively a biologist and a taxi-driver." "Yes, but between you, you know everything and everyone." "I couldn't find or afford anybody else." "I'm disappointed with you, Margo." "But you seemed so easy-going." "I thought you'd let me try on a dress." "I'd let you try on mine." "I am relieving you of your duties, for gross disobedience." "Do let me stay." "My mother would be so sad." "I find adults very confusing." "Go now!" "Oh, but you're so serious, my dear." "Your face." "Have the dress." "I hear it becomes you." "Now read to me." "We've a whole library to get through." "Oh..." "No, don't come now." " Well, speak." " Don't be angry." "I come in peace." "Oh." "So it's OK for you to come and call on me, but not for me to come and call on you." "I apologise." "I..." "I felt unsure." "Oh, you were feeling unsure?" "What are you doing here?" "I like it here." "And I like you." "So why do we argue all the time?" "Because, as a woman, you get upset." "It's... tiring." "Or, as a man, you don't tell me what you're thinking." "I mean, it is like talking to fog." "What do you want to know?" "What's stopping us?" "Is it me?" "Is it my... my children?" "No." "I like children, your children." "But it's true, I'm used to being on my own." "Perhaps change makes me anxious." "Well..." "Well, no, that was good." "Well, don't stop there!" "So it is me." "Oh." "Sorry." "Whisky inside." "Locked." "Oh." " Shoot." " Oh, should we?" "I'm supposed to be on bail." "Let's go and play some football..." "Shoot." "Or we shoot you." "They're eating the queen." "Oh." "How lovely." "This is going to be our burial area." "I had rather expected to be buried in England." "No." "I mean, for my bat." "Oh." "Could you please find me a Greek Orthodox priest?" "The Countess gave me a dress!" "Your job is not job." "This is job." "It's actually hard work reading love stories where the most they do is breathe heavily." "Oh...!" "I'm going to snip some pages out." "When did anyone ever really "feel their heart skip a beat"?" " I do." " All the time." "You should read the posh ignoramus my novel." "She's not an ignoramus." "She has a huge library." "Ooh, ask her to let me borrow from it." "Oh, you're not so rude now." " No." " But I've run out of books to read." "You'd better write another one then." "I'm still waiting for the first one to be accepted." "I don't like it when she does that." "No." "Nor do I." "Who peed on my shoes?" "Your mother." "These were very expensive." "We went on a special trip to London to get them." "I don't think we can be best friends any more." "What do you think?" "Oh, my goodness." "That is so beautiful." "Wearing this, I feel like I could do anything and have any man." "Margo!" "Oh, Leslie." "Oh, I am so worried about you." "Stop, I'm all right." "What's that smell?" "My shoes." "That little bastard Creech!" "Mrs Durrell, good morning." "Oh." "You." "Your face looked like an overcast day in Bootle, the last time we met, so..." " I'm off the drink." " Oh." " Oh." " Lost the beard." "Bought a cravat." "Ha!" "Thank you." "I'm here to invite you onto my yacht." "Sailing is one of the few things I do well." "Oh." "Ah." " Didn't he get drunk here and you nearly shot him?" " Yes." "Thank you and that reminds me why a trip out with you would be a bad idea." "Mummy, we're starting." " Ooh!" "Lunch?" " A bat funeral." "Ah." "This is grander than Dad's funeral." "What was Captain Creech doing here?" "He was inviting me on his yacht." "I said no." "Say yes!" "Stop fretting about Les." "He'll always be a mess." " Let your hair down." " You have no idea about parenting, do you?" "You're supposed to fuss." "Idiot!" "And Gerry is grieving for this bat, of all things." "Well, it's obviously a displaced sense of loss and not feeling connected and anxiety for his sibling." "I know that." "I asked Theo to encourage him in the science of it." "Death, life... compost." "Compost?" "But I'm very glad he's developing his spiritual interest, too." "Well, maybe that's what Leslie needs." "Oh, no." "He'd take it too far." "He'd be frog-marching us all to the church at gunpoint." "Sven goes to the Greek Orthodox Church." "He's a dark horse." "I don't want to talk about him." "He started talking." "He started opening up about liking children and, you know, and then he just walked away." "But sod him." "Because I have a captain friend who has a big boat that he's taking me out on, on Thursday." "Well, it's good you don't want to talk about him." "In fact, if you could get Sven to come to the harbour when I'm leaving," "I'll get hold of a stunning dress for the occasion." "And I can watch his face as I step off that yacht." "Was that the flicker of interest from him?" "Or were they really totally severely in love?" "Mrs Durrell to see you, madam." "Sorry to bother you." "Margo left home with a sniffle and I wanted to check she's well." "Oh, by the way, I loved the dress you gave Margo." "You have exquisite taste." "Thank you." "And many, many dresses, I gather." "The truth is, like you, I'm a widow and... well, I'm struggling." "I was wondering if you might have a spare frock for me." "Oh, of course." "I'm sure we can find something for you, can't we, Demetrios?" "Dennis." "Pack the purple gown for Mrs Durrell." "Now I know it's rather showy, but what do you think?" "Say if it's horrible." "Margo?" "I thought I might wear it on Creech's yacht tomorrow." "For fun, you know." "Well, yes." "Why not?" " I think you'll look nice whatever you wear." " Thank you, darling." "He hasn't got creatures up there as well, has he?" " I couldn't see him." " Oh, well, he can join the others under the floorboards." "You're so generous, Theo." "How can I thank you?" "The pleasure, as a fellow enthusiast, is all mine." "The ancients embalmed their loved ones." "We could have pickled your bat in formaldehyde." "I think that might scare my family." "Look, Mum, my Centre For Scientific Learning." "You don't need to nag me about education any more." "Excellent." "And eight times seven?" "Erm..." "Is it in the 50s?" "Spot on, it's in the 50s." "I hope you're feeling relaxed about Leslie's court case." "Oh, hardly." "It's a shame Leslie isn't one of us." "My delight in molluscs saw me through a bumpy adolescence." "I know, I keep wondering how I could have steered Leslie differently." "Who knows?" "The experience may do him good." "They say a broken leg grows back stronger than an unbroken one." "You are wearing it on a boat?" "It's a yacht." "Ooh." "Stop staring at it." "Oh, no." "Really?" "That's a yacht?" "Oh, I can't let the old fool down." "So now you're not speaking." "What's the matter?" "I'm..." "I'm very drunk." "What?" "Why?" "Why did you get drunk?" "The sea..." "It's a bloody death-trap!" "I've seen too much." "Since I retired... it... it haunts me." "Take me back to shore." " Right now!" " No." "I know some sea shanties ..." "You dare sing one sea shanty and I'll..." "You... give me that." "Give me that tiller right now!" "Oh, do you know how to sail?" "No." "No, I can't sail!" "But I'm a helluva lot more competent than you are at this moment!" "Ah." "Ohh!" " Good." " Aah!" "Help!" " I can't swim!" " You silly, silly man!" "Aah!" "You'll like this one." "♪ O Blodwyn was a Welsh girl, she came from Cardiff city..." "This was my chance to feel attractive." "And not just like a bad mother!" " ♪ .." "Though she only had one titty!" "♪" " Thanks for nothing!" "Don't go!" "We're having such a nice day." "This is terrible." "Don't let Louisa see you here." "No." "I have to offer my sympathies." "If you say anything nice, I'll cry." "So, is nobody going to tell me how Mother's yacht trip went?" "The good news is that, if you're put in jail, you'll be with my friend Kosti." "He's not going to jail." "It's a ridiculous trumped-up charge." "This is Corfu." "Anything's possible." "Isn't that why we like it here?" "This innocent young Englishman should not be standing here today." "Not so innocent." "Before, he was in my police cell after a drunken brawl!" " Well, who among us has not been arrested for drunken brawling?" " Exactly." "He always carries a gun with him!" "Mr Durrell, is it true you carry guns?" "Yes." "Why?" "Because the world is a dangerous place, Judge." "Do you not make it more dangerous?" "In English, please." "The defendant ..." "Leslie isn't gifted or nuanced, but he has got a kind of visceral doggedness." "Paradoxically, he loathes dogs." "So he wouldn't go killing turkeys with Gerry's dog." "No." "Leslie is far more likely to shoot the turkeys on his own." "If my client killed your turkeys, as you say, where are the carcasses?" "He disposed of them." "You are wasting the time of the court if you have no evidence." "Excellent point." "Thank you." "Leslie was living with Sotos and Fotis." "Leslie was the one who shot off the lock." "Order!" "Sit down." "He's an armed robber." "These are serious allegations." "We will come back tomorrow." "It wasn't an armed robbery." "Except, I suppose, strictly speaking, I was armed and we did rob somewhere." "Oh, Leslie!" "We only stole booze, we didn't shoot anybody." "Theo says the law here is that you will go to jail if found guilty." "Sotos and Fotis made me." "I couldn't look like a coward." "Lots of people have gone to jail for their beliefs ..." "Oscar Wilde, Voltaire," "Crazy Horse, the Sioux Indian chief." "I don't believe in stealing cheap Greek whisky." "Stop it!" "Why did I bring us here?" "It could have happened to Leslie anywhere." "Where are you going?" "It's about Leslie." "I've no right to ask and... erm well, you could argue that my son is no better than you, but he is barely an adult." "And if you could say that he wasn't involved in the robbery, if you could do the noble thing and be lenient with him, then... well, then... then maybe the judge would be lenient with you." "Maybe." "You're probably not allowed tins, are you?" " Kalimera." " Kalimera." "I am dismissing this case." "The defendant Leslie Durrell is clearly blameless." "The plaintiff shall give to the defendant six of his best turkeys in compensation." "Everyone is dismissed." "Except the Durrell family and legal representatives." "You are implicated in a more serious crime, the armed robbery of the storehouse." " Let me say this ..." " No." "However, the co-accused, Sotos and Fotis, now claim that they acted alone." "For whatever reason." "So there is no case to answer." "But he is at the top of a slippery slope." "Don't let him fall." "You see?" "Worry, it's overrated!" "No." "Apparently, worry and parenthood are inseparable." "I am going to sleep for a week!" "Right." "Everybody back to the house for supper." "Nothing wrong with English cooking." "Spiro, thank you." "For your legal expertise." "I think we know it was you who made the difference." "I don't know what you mean." "You sold your wedding ring to bribe those two thugs." "Well, I offered shortbread." "But it seems the modern criminal expects more." "Don't ask." "Leslie." "Mother!" "My first proper wages." "I'm going to invest in a feather boa." "Well, everybody has to contribute." "So... invest in half a feather boa." "That is outrageous." "How is the reclusive Countess, Margo?" "I may be missing something, but I find her rather sweet and jolly." " Where are you going?" " I'm not telling you." "But not the lavatory, in case you get any ideas." "Ha ha ha." "Oh." "There's something I want to say." "Gerry, I know I complain about your creatures, but, well, you're serious about this animal business, aren't you?" "Yes, I am." " Didn't we bury that?" " Yes, but I changed my mind and dug it up and stuffed it." " Oh." " First, you remove the skin, then you rub non-iodised salt on it, then you take the head and you..." "I want you to have my dress." "Oh, Margo." "I can't." "It's yours." "Is it bat?" "Theo, would you like to say grace?" "Oh, yes, yes, of course." "I added a beard." "Lady Marchmont glimpsed Lord Tim in the distance." "Was that the flicker of interest from him or..." "Do I have to read this?" "You do, if you want to borrow any books." "She felt hot in places she'd never felt hot before ..." "Don't make anything up." "...seeking ventilation, she went onto her beloved veranda and played with her pooch Leonard, who had always provided a distraction in times of crisis." "So..." "Leslie, what's that?" " Hm?" " Darling, behind your back." " A stick." "Just a bit of night shooting, that's all." "What will it take for you to learn?" "No." "What a week." "I'm sorry about my little wobble." "No, I've checked." "You don't wobble." "That's better." "However long you stare at it, they're still coming." "It might be nice to have some visitors." "Please be nice to us." "This is no place to bring up a family." "I'm not God, but "let there be light" '!" " Aah!" " What is that noise?" " Larry." "Stubbing his toe." "Slow down!" " I will always respect your honour." " Let's not worry too much about that."