"SEX CRAZY [a.k.a How Funny Can Sex Be?" "]" " Domenico, did you bring tea or coffee?" " Coffee, Madam." " But I asked for tea." " No, Madam, you asked for coffee." " I said tea!" "Got that, Domenico?" " Very good, Madam." "Domenico!" "My cabana, if you please." " Just leave it!" " It's stuck, Madam." "Give me a light massage." "Yes... that's enough, Domenico." "Madam, the coffee is getting cold." " May I serve Madam?" "." " Yes." "Made in the true Brazilian style..." " Domenico!" "What are you thinking?" " About my mother, Madam." " Think of her elsewhere." " Excuse me." "I think of her always." "I'm sorry." "An unforgivable lapse." " When did you say you were leaving, dearest?" " At 8:00 a.m." "Let's hope there isn't a storm like last night." " There was a storm?" " Yes." "Don't tell me you didn't you hear it." "I didn't hear it." "How's that possible?" "It would have awakened the dead." "It must be my medicine." "I can't even wake up in the morning." "Champagne, Sir?" "Watch you don't make another mess." "Don't think about your mother!" "Did you call, Madam?" "Yes, Domenico." "Wake me at 5:00 a.m. precisely." "I must accompany my husband to the airport." "Very good, Madam." "Madam, it's 5:00 a.m." "Madam, it's 5:00 a.m." "Madam, it's 5:00 a.m." "Madam..." "Madam Juliette..." "Madam, it's five o'clock!" "He said he called me at five, but I slept until six." " He forgot to call me!" " But he's such a dedicated boy." "He's indiscreet." "I can feel his eyes on me." "All servants fall in love with their masters." " What about the one we used to have?" " Oh, she was interested in me!" "She was always stealing my silk stockings." "Au revoir, my sweet." "Au revoir, dearest." "Coca Cola: 21.000 General Motors: 26.400" "Hatu: 32.000 Kawasaki: 36.200" "Montedison: 20 Ford: 48.000" "Alfasud: 3..." "Fuck!" "Franc: up 15, Lira..." " That's enough." "Next page." " Okay, next page..." "Berna:" "An Italian worker, age 32..." " Trentadue [32]..." " Trentadue." "...stabbed his wife's lover." "Nice work!" " That's enough, Domenico." "Good night." " Good night." " Go!" " Going..." "Domenico!" "Don't forget to water the flowers." " Very good, Madam." " Domenico!" " Yes, Madam." "Wake me at 8:00 a.m. tomorrow." "Goodnight." "Eight o'clock on the dot." "Good night, Madam." "Madam, it's 8:00." "It's 8:00 a.m.!" "Your tea is ready!" "Madam!" "Madam, it's 8:00!" "Excuse me..." "Excuse my... impertinence, but it's 8:00." "Don't worry, I won't dirty the sheets." "Can you hear me, Madam?" "Fuck... !" "It's 8:00, Madam." "Oh God, I want you!" "Dirty whore... my mistress!" "Show me  your pussy." "Don't look, cuckold!" "Excuse me, Madam, but it's 8:00." "I..." "Madam... must dare a little more." "Excuse me, Madam, it's 8:00, but please don't wake up." "That was quick." "Madam, it's 8:00." "Madam..." "Good morning, Madam." "Did you sleep well?" " What time is it, Domenico?" " A couple minutes past 8:00, Madam." " Breakfast, Madam." " Thank you, Domenico." "When you woke me, I'd just fallen asleep." " I didn't close my eyes all night." " I'm sorry, Madam." " I'm going to take a nap." "Wake me at 11:00." " Very good." " Domenico, where are you going?" "My breakfast!" " You're right, Madam!" "Domenico!" "Watch what your doing!" "What did you bring me?" "I asked for tea!" "Domenico, what's come over you?" "TWO HEARTS AND A HOVEL" ""FOR SALE"" "Shit!" "No one's going to buy it now!" " Papa!" " Spying, are you?" "You know that's naughty!" " What did Mama do today?" " Nothing." " And no one came while I was away?" " Who should come?" " I ask the questions, you answer!" " No one." "Okay, let's go." "Don't make a sound." "Stay!" "Get in there!" "No need to call the carpenter, right?" "'Guerra' with one 'r'?" "Ignorant!" "Preparing dinner at the last minute?" "What do you do all day?" "And you... smoking your pipe!" "Go on, set the house on fire!" "With all the manicures and canasta, time passes quickly!" " So, you want to argue?" " Oh, sure,   I saw that lipstick on your shirt, but you think I'll keep quiet about it." " Which shirt?" " The red one." " Women haven't used red lipstick in years." " Oh, it was an old mark." "It's the same old trick!" "When you have something to hide, you attack me!" "Because you don't want to own up!" "You wore your new dress?" "Where have you been?" "Shame on you!" "To get medicine for Claudio." "He's got a cough." "Understand?" "Oh, cut the crap, will you?" "Why didn't you send him?" "They won't give it to him for free!" "Right, so you go and play the "little pigeon" with the pharmacist?" "Drop dead!" "Whose newspaper is this?" "Out!" "Out!" "Everybody out!" "Go!" "Quickly!" " Confess!" "Whose is it?" " What do I know?" "Yours?" "Of course, I need it for the stock quotations!" "Who left it?" "It must have been Agnelli." "He stopped by to see if we had a spare bed to rent." "Oh, you're playing the fool?" "If it wasn't Agnelli, it was someone else!" "When I'm not around, someone else comes here!" "Remember, when I get proof..." "I'll kill you... kill you, you dirty slut!" "You're the slut, going to Parioli, playing the gigolo with all the women!" " Asshole!" " You're the asshole, your mama's little whore!" " I'll kill you!" "I'll kill you!" " I'll kill you, you whore's son!" "No!" "Give me the bottle!" "Give me the bottle!" "I know you've hidden a photo in your shoe!" "Because there's a hole in the bottom!" "That was a beauty you gave me!" "My head is still ringing." "Are you still taking a shit, my love?" " Will the wine stain go away?" "I'm all dirty." " One..two..three..four.." "But I'm content!" "A real man has to take charge!" "If you want to see me to take charge, invite me to the marriage bed!" " Let's go to bed, my love!" " I'm coming!" " If the weather's nice on Sunday ..." " Eight..nine..ten..eleven ..." " ... but these socks are filthy ..." " ... twelve, thirteen, fourteen." "I've got a nice surprise for you tonight." "I know about your surprises." "Quietly, so they won't hear us." "Come here, my beauty." "Tell me who you are." "I'm all yours!" "But let's be quiet!" " Talk to me..." " No, they can hear!" " Then talk about something else." " What shall I make for your lunch tomorrow?" " Two eggplants!" " How about two pieces of cod?" " I can't digest that." " What if I cook you some chickpeas?" "No, chickpeas make me fart." " Peppers aren't as heavy..." " Then, two broccolis, my love..." " Yes, broccoli would be better." " Fried in the skillet." "Yes, with garlic." "Yes, with garlic and chilli pepper." " And a pinch of sage." " Sage... yes, sage..." "Did you say something, my love?" "IT'S NEVER TOO LATE" " Don't disturb me for a few minutes." " Yes, Counsellor." "Hello, is that you, my dove?" "Good morning, my love, it's me." "This joke is becoming vulgar and absurd!" "You're beautiful when you're angry." "Look, I could get angry for real, and call the police!" "No, you won't do it." "No woman is insensitive to sincere love." "I am a man in love you." "Who wants to crush you in his arms." "He's a madman!" "A madman and a digusting pervert!" "Enrico..." "I can't sleep." " Read something." " Enrico..." "Here's the latest edition, dear." " Where are you going?" " I'm thirsty, I'll be back soon." "Enrico... drink quickly!" "Six, four..." "My love, I just wanted to wish you good night." "Don't be mad at me, don't say ugly things, my dove." "I'm so in love, I can't sleep without saying I love you." "I love you..." "I love you..." "Hello, my dove, my little dove..." "Oh, no..." "Keep these windows closed, Valeria." "What does that madman want from me?" "What does he want?" "He keeps a photo of Golda Meir in his wallet." "Women become desirable to him when they turn 70." "What do I know, Gerontophilia, Chronophilia, Granny-Grabber?" " Have you been waiting long, Carlo?" " Yes, but I'm not Carlo!" "Let me in, my dove!" " No, I'm just a poor old woman!" " You are glorious!" "Don't be afraid, I won't hurt you." "I'm taken with you, madly!" "What do you want with me?" "I could be your grandmother!" "Just a kiss." "I've been thinking about your burning lips for days." "But we're not even related!" "Why could you possibly want to do that?" "Because I desire you!" "Don't hide!" "You must be mine... only mine!" "It will be wonderful, you'll see!" "Don't look at me with those doe eyes!" "Poor dove." "My little dove!" "Look, I brought you some marron glace." " Oh, how did you know I like them?" " I know everything about you, Esperia!" "I made this liqueur myself." "Grapes, strawberries and cherries." "It's non-alcoholic." "My mother taught me." "Promise you'll be good, and not touch me, even with a finger?" "I promise." "To our love." "Oh, what devil's eyes you have!" "My little dove..." "My dove, tell me the truth, when was the last time?" "The only time!" "During the war." " 1940?" " No, 1915." "He was a Captain." "An Austrian..." " Did you love him?" " Madly!" " He left me for the roar of the cannons!" " That's terrible..." " Do you still love him, Esperia?" " No, now I love you, Enrico." "Oh, Enrico..." "Oh, Enrico..." "Oh, Enrico..." "You see what I mean, Valeria?" " Enrico!" " Esperia!" "What are you doing here?" " What are YOU doing here?" " I came by to see you." "I'm always out in the morning, as you well know!" " I was in the area, and I thought..." " You thought... !" "Tell the truth!" "You came because Valeria was alone in the house." "No, she's no more than a baby." "Okay." "But beginning tomorrow, Valeria does the shopping with me!" " Oh, Corinne!" " Esperia, how are you?" " You look so well!" " You too!" "One minute, my dear." "I forgot my money." "Wait here." " My little dove..." " Or anyone else..." " Mama!" "THE HONEYMOON" "Hold it!" "Another!" "Hold it!" "Another!" "Okay, that's it!" " May I kiss the bride?" " Thank you, Father!" "Long live the happy couple!" "Excuse me, that's my wife." "Grazia, where are you?" " Here I am!" " You gave me a shock." " We'll see you at the dinner." " Yes, mama." "It won't go." " Give it a push." "Come on!" " Put it in third!" "Come on!" "That's it!" "A toast to Grazia and Lello!" "Long life!" "Now, the happy couple!" "Kiss!" "Giovanna, dance with me!" " Enni!" "Natalie!" " Me too!" "Thanks!" "Put this under your pillow, and in a year you'll be married too." " To who?" "You took the best one!" " Thank you!" "Why don't you come with us on the honeymoon?" "Just married and you've already started." "Pig!" "I'm just honoring your beauty!" "And you have so many beautiful parts!" "If they interest you so much, you should have thought of them first, you demon!" "Be careful you don't wear yourself out." "You'll have no energy for tonight!" "Poor Grazia!" "With him for a husband, just think of the horns she'll be wearing." "That old woman is dancing with the priest!" "Dance your way into hell, you slut!" "Grazia, the train is leaving in an hour." "Go and change!" "Here's my beautiful bride!" "I'm going to undress the bride!" " The bride will undress herself!" " It's as if I hadn't said it, darling!" " I like you more than your daughter..." " Liar!" "Remember the Hotel Adriatic." "Your mother and I went there for our honeymoon." "I get it." "I understand!" "I'm not an imbecile!" " Come on, Grazia!" " I'm coming!" " Remember... room 35." " It was room 28, not 35." "Remember everything your mother taught you!" "Men are dirty beasts!" "Even your father was a beast!" "Don't hurt my child, you dirty, filthy, black animal!" " Don't worry, I'll take it slowly!" " Write to us!" " Room 35!" "28!" "You can't refuse me, I'm your husband!" "Stop, you're making me feel faint!" "Not on the train, are you mad?" "Where does it say, "No screwing"?" "There's an empty seat in here." "We just got married a few hours ago." "Perhaps we should tell them the tunnel is finished." "You're so handsome." "I never tire of looking at you!" "Why look at me?" "Look at Venice!" "I don't care about Venice, I'd rather look at you!" "Look at me in that way, and you'll awaken "the beast"!" " Don't be so unromantic." " Who cares!" "We'll be at the hotel soon!" "Relax!" "It's alright!" "Be patient, okay?" " Grazia, what are you doing?" "Come on!" " I'm coming..." " Do you like it!" " It's quite becoming!" "It took six months to embroider." "Do you sleep without pajamas?" "Yes." "I sleep how I was born." "Now get over here!" "Oh, Lello... will you think badly of me, if I tell you how much I've dreamed of this?" "Why?" "When you're in love, physical love is natural!" "But I feel so abandoned tonight!" "I want you naked!" "Get rid of the nightdress!" "And the necklace!" " I'm too embarrassed!" " Okay, keep the necklace... but hurry!" "Then turn off the light." "How beautiful you are!" "You're like Bottticini's Venus!" "Hurry, quickly..." "I can't hold it!" "Hurry, come here!" "I can't wait... come to me!" "Why are you still wearing your panties?" "Didn't your mother tell you to take them off?" " I'll take them off!" " Don't hurt me, Lello!" "Hurt you?" "I want to do it four times tonight!" "Say your prayers, Grazia!" "I'm going to do it four... no, five times tonight!" "Come on, Lello!" "Go!" "Go!" "Lello?" "Lello?" "Lello?" "Lello, what is it?" "What's the matter?" "No... no, Grazia..." "Look..." "I don't feel too well." " But... just like that?" " Yes, just like that." "It must be the crabs." "You ate four of them!" "Yes, it'll be those four damned crabs I had this evening." "What are you doing?" "Turn off the damned light!" " Do you want to sleep?" " Yes... maybe I should take a little nap." "It's nothing." "It'll pass, you'll see." "Don't worry, Grazia." "I feel really good today!" " You scared me yesterday." " Who knows what you must have thought." "You must have thought, "What kind of man did I marry?"" "In fact it was nothing." "A little sleep and it's all better." " Are you sure?" " Feel this, woman of little faith!" "Gondolier, to the Hotel Adriatic!" "Full speed!" "Faster!" "Hurry!" "Bravo, Lello!" "Harder, Lello!" "Lello..." "I'm afraid I can't do it." "I'm sorry." "Me too." " Nice bed..." " But what's causing it?" "Don't ask me!" "Ask him what's causing it!" " Has it happened with other women?" " No... well, yes, sort of..." "Sometimes, yes..." "Almost always." "Look, you must promise that no one will ever know about this!" "You're worried about other people?" "What about me?" "Of course I'm thinking about you!" "Come on, this thing will pass." "It will pass!" "Let's hope..." " Lello, you said almost always?" " Yes." "So then, sometimes..." "Once, in Rimini, with a German girl." "We were in a boat." "The sea was so wild that we almost fell in the water." "That time I even managed an encore." "Didn't I, my truncheon?" "Grazia, do you still love me?" "Of course I love you!" "You're my husband." "My man." "Grazia... you said 'man' ironically." "Gather round, ladies!" "Tomorrow you'll want me and I'll be gone." "I'll sell you some empty trousers, you can fill them with your loveliness!" "And if your behind makes it a tight fit, the tighter the better!" " Will these fit me, Lello?" " With that beautiful ass, one size larger." " How did the honeymoon go, Lello?" " Not bad." "We did our best." " And the bride?" " The bride's recovering, so I've slashed prices!" " You're crazy, Lello!" " Thanks, love!" "Tomorrow, Lello will be gone!" " Good day, what can I get for you?" " An ice cream cake." " Large or small?" " Small, it's just me and Lello." " Soon you'll be adding to your family." " Of course, that's why I got married!" " Hi, Giovanna." "Hi, Marta." " Hi, Grazia." "Have a seat." "Alright, while I wait for my cake." " You look well." "Are you pregnant already?" " I could be." "In fact, I think I must be." " I'd be terrified if I were pregnant." " Get married, then." " Have you and Vittorio set a date?" " I don't know." "He's not like Lello." "Lello always treated me with the greatest respect." " Even before marriage?" " Certainly." "But afterwards..." "What's it like spending the night with a man?" "Is it true you wake in the middle of night to..." "Is it?" "Well, it happens sometimes." "It's late, I should go." " My pleasure, Madam." " Thanks." "Add it to our account." "Lello!" "Lello!" "Lello!" " What do you want?" " You remember that German girl?" " What German girl?" " The one you made love to in the boat." " I thought we weren't going to talk about it?" " We've got to, it's important!" " Okay, let's talk." " Who else did you make love with?" " Digging up the past, eh?" " Tell me, it's important!" " With my cousin's wife." " Bravo, you filthy beast!" "Where did you do it?" "I don't remember..." "Ah, yes, in a truck." "Her husband was driving, while we were having it off in the back." "Lello, I've got it!" "Now I understand!" "On our honeymoon, on the train and the boat, you were really excited!" " But in bed, nothing." " So what?" " So?" "Nothing happened in the bed!" " There it is... nothing happened." "The next day, you're turned on in the gondola, but back to the hotel, nothing again." "You've only ever managed to make love on a boat and in a truck." " What does this make you think?" " Twice in thirty years is too little!" " No!" "You can only make love in moving vehicles!" " What's that got to do with it?" "The train and the truck were sexual stimulants!" "Aphrodisiacs!" "You mean we've got to make love in a car or a plane?" "You're crazy!" "You read too much science fiction!" " Let me get some sleep!" " Come on, Lello!" " What are you doing?" " Come on..." "In pajamas?" "Shame on you, Grazia!" " Let's make love in the lift!" " What if the porter sees us?" " You're not normal!" " Kiss me!" "Kiss me!" "Hey, maybe you're right?" "Push the button!" "It works!" "Push it again!" "Push it again!" "Wow!" "You were right!" "Push the button!" "It's working!" "The button!" "I've pressed it!" "Number seven!" " What is it?" " it must the boiler!" "No, it's the lawyer's burglar alarm!" "Look!" "Someone's in the lift!" "They've killed someone!" "Wake up the General!" "Call the police!" "COME BACK, MY LITTLE ONE" "Hey, Blondie, you want me?" "No, the red girl, please." "The one with the red hair." "Tamara!" " 5 in the car, 10 at home." " Miss, would you come back to my house?" " Okay, that's 10." " You'll get 20, if you do what I want." " Oh my God!" "Who's that?" " No, it's nothing, just my wife." " You want a threesome?" " No, that's a life-size doll." "I bought her when Rosetta left me." "I gave her the same features, and dressed her in her underwear." "At nights I speak with her, and I feel less lonely." "I'll show you the rest of the apartment, Miss." "Why did your wife leave you?" "She would never have left me." "But he forced her." "He kept saying, "It's him or me!"" "She would have chosen me, but he threatened her." "Oh, I'm really sorry!" "Don't worry about it." "That's life, Miss." " Is this alright?" " Of course, it's fine." "You're not a sex maniac, are you?" "No!" "The psychiatrist said I'm absolutely normal." "I'm already prepared for my TV appearance." "You need to take your hair up a bit." "She how you're becoming her?" "Like a servant... more or less." " What are you doing?" " Don't be afraid, Miss, it's okay." "Ours was a marriage of love." "I met her in Asti, at a skating rink." "Roller-skating's my hobby." "I can even do figures." "I had a good job with the council, as an archivist." "She was always on at me because I got paid so little." "But I did it because I enjoyed it." "You understand?" "Is the hair right like this?" "Yes, it's fine." "Hers was really red, like yours." "Only Rosetta was a little shorter, and fatter." "It's a shame you're not fat." "Wait... wait." "Let me see..." "let me see..." "Excuse me." "Yes... yes, you're similar." "Perhaps Rosetta was prettier..." "So, what do I have to do?" "What do you want?" "Okay, you arrive, ring the bell and read out what I've written on the sheet." "Ah, the sheet!" "Where did I put it?" "Here it is." "Her handbag." ""Monte Carlo Carnival" Her favorite perfume." " What a stink..." " It's good!" "Giansiro." "Rosetta loves you!" " What's that?" " An Indian blackbird." " What do you say to your Giansiro?" " Rosetta loves you!" "I taught him that." " Rosetta loves you!" " Of course." "She'll come back,   and the three of us will be happy again... forever." "Did you hear?" "It's the doorbell." " Maybe it's her." "You'll see. it's her!" " Rosetta loves you." "It's her." "I can feel it's her!" "It's Nilla Pizzi... our favourite record." " Who is it?" " It's me, Rosetta!" " Rosetta!" " Giansiro..." " You've come back?" " Yes." " Have you come back for good?" " Yes." "Can you forgive me?" ""Oh, how I longed..." "Oh, how I longed for you..."" "Oh, how I longed for you, for our home,   our intimacy, our serene and modest life!" "I always waited for you,   and I never forgot the cream cakes which you loved so much." " They're not too tart, are they?" " Actually, a little bit..." "No!" "You must say, "No!" Rosetta always said they were tart!" "Sometimes she'd throw them in my face." " No, they're good." "They taste oven fresh." " I'm pleased." "I'm pleased, Rosetta." "Do you recognize your room?" "It's exactly how you left it." "There's still the scent of your presence." " I'm so tired." "I'd like to go to bed now." " Of course, straight away." "Can I come to bed with you, or do I have to sleep on the sofa?" "No my love, it's a big bed, big enough for two." "Thank you." "I'll be good, I won't lay a finger on you." "But I want to be touched, and squeezed tightly!" " That's why I came back!" " Really?" "Of course!" "I love you so much." "He doesn't matter any more!" "He's big and strong, but he doesn't have your delicate touch." " But he's younger!" " You have the charm of a mature man." " Come, come..." " Say I'm the only man for you." " Tell me you love me!" " I love you, Giansiro!" "I love you!" "10... 20..." "And here's another 1000 lire." " Thank you." " It was wonderful, eh?" "When I get paid at the end of the month, we'll do it again." "Sure, we can do it again." " Are you always there?" " Every night." "Bye." " Miss Tamara, may I ask a favor?" " Of course." "Will you telephone me tomorrow, pretending to be Rosetta?" "What do I have to say?" "Just nice words, whatever you want." "45, 9, 2, 3..." "AN ITALIAN WORKER ABROAD" " Bye, darling." " Goodbye, love." "Don't wear yourself out." "ARTIFICIAL INSEMINATION DONORS" "Sister, is this where they're looking for a donor?" "THE VENDETTA" "Have some fried eggplant, I made it with my own hands." "Poor Michele!" "They killed him!" "Everyone knows who killed him, but they won't say." "How tragic." "Dying and leaving behind such a beautiful Wife." "If you step on Don Alvaro's feet, you don't die of old age." "Here he is, Don Alvaro Macaluso." "Madam Mimma, Don Alvaro is here." " At your service, Madam Mimma." " My home is open to friends and enemies." "Come in." "Don Alvaro honors the departed and helps those who are left." "I enter as a friend." " Many thanks for the wreath." " It was my duty." " Would you like a glass of Marsala?" " Just a sip." " To the health of the deceased." " To his health!" "You're not drinking, Madam Mimma?" "To the health of poor Michele." " How did this tragedy happen?" " I saw nothing..." "I know nothing." "Do you know anything, Don Alvaro?" "I was told it was a terrible accident." "In the car, on his way home a projectile hit him, traveling in the opposite direction." "I understand... a traffic accident." " May I pay my respects to the deceased?" " The deceased would be honored." "I kiss your hand, Don Alvaro." "They killed him!" "Everyone knows who did it, but they won't say!" "I kiss your hand, Don Alvaro." "Let's go." "Beautiful, young, handsome, in the best of health!" "He could have lived another 100 years!" "But what can we do?" "You must be brave!" "Unfortunately, death is the most incurable illness!" "Let's sit down." "Madam Mimma, now you're alone." "If you need Don Alvaro's protection, you just need to speak." "What can a poor woman do on her own?" "No..." "I'm here!" "Even as a child you drove me wild with desire!" "You know how devoted I am to you!" "Anything... anything!" " I beg you, not in front of him!" " The dead are not jealous!" " But there's also the living!" " They don't have ears when I speak!" "If you like, you could be Don Alvaro's woman." "You'd be the First Lady of Pollesano!" "It's too soon to speak of these things." "I respect your mourning." "How long must I wait, Mimma?" "At least until tomorrow." " Early afternoon?" " Late morning, Don Alvaro." "Time enough to forget." "This is Rosalia, the queen of the house!" "What a beautiful bride!" "You chose well." " You're such a strong man!" " This is nothing!" "Thanks, Mimmuzza!" " What a pretty little house, Don Alvaro." " It's all yours now." "All yours..." "Fuck..." "I'm tired!" "." "He hasn't been out for two days." "He's ravenous with women." "Rosalia brought their meals to them in bed today" "Last time he stayed in there for two weeks." "He was younger five years ago." "Let's go take a look." "Let me see." "It's my turn!" "Dance, Mimmuzza!" "Dance!" "Beautiful..." "Mimma... yes... yes..." "If it's true that a man can die in a thousand ways then Don Alvaro has chosen the best way!" "What death could be better for a man of honor like Don Alvaro than that found in the fiery passion of a young woman?" "His final breath wasn't a sorrowful lament,   but a sigh of wild passionate love!" "If he could attend his own funeral,  Don Alvaro wouldn't shed tears, but he'd drink copious wine." " Have courage..." " Don't sob at his coffin, but applaud!" ""I lived well, and died better."" "This is what Don Alvaro Macaluso would say, a man of honor!" "Did you think I betrayed you?" "No, I avenged you." "I used all the erotic arts Carmela the whore taught me." "You knew her, right?" "She taught me all the sexual techniques." "I destroyed him using every part of my body." "I even abused the laws of nature." "But we have our revenge." "Execution by sex." "What?" "You want to know if I enjoyed myself?" "Only once, involuntarily, for a split second." "But it was tiny, I swear!" "Just a tiny orgasm." "Forgive me." "You're angry?" "Don't look at me like that, Micheluzzo!" "Can I go, then?" "Goodbye, Micheluzzo." "See you later, my love." "A DIFFICULT LOVE" " Is it much further?" " We've arrived." "This is number 3." " Are you Antonietta?" " Yes, but who are you?" " The brother." " Of who?" "Of Cosimo, your husband." "Go fuck yourself!" "You and your brother!" "We're related." "Do you know Cosimo?" "Yes, he was around a year ago, then he went away and left his wife." " Where to?" " Who knows?" "With another woman." "Men are men." " But..." " Stop crying, move." "If I get a job, I'll spend my first paycheck on a woman." "Look at him!" "With due respect, city women have more plump bottoms." "Hey handsome, you want me too?" "Run, girls!" "Run!" "Run!" "Run away, girls!" "Good evening, commissioner." "Got a light?" " Come here!" " Piss off!" "You beast, I'm just a woman working to put food on the table!" "Two cocktails, please." " Miss, may I offer you something?" " A beer." " Another beer." " Thanks." "Thank you for so graciously accepting." " May we chat for a bit?" " Sure, sit down, if you want." "Do you often come here to dance?" "No, just once in a while." "Thank you!" "I arrived in Milan today." "I like this city a lot." "It's so full... of people." "Excuse me dear, but are you a Milanese?" "What?" "Am I Milanese?" "I'm not originally from Milan." "My name is Nino." "What is yours?" "If I'm not being indiscreet." " Gilda." " Excuse me, but are you sexually occupied?" " What are you saying?" " I mean, does Madam have a fiancee?" "No." "So then, we could see one another while I'm looking for a job." " What kind of job are you looking for?" " May we use the familar 'you'?" "But of course..." "This beer is warm!" "So..." "I'm looking for any kind of job." "I could be a garbage collector." "They say it pays well." "That way, I could invite you to the cinema or take you out for pizza." " Is pizza good enough for you?" " Yes, as long as it's made well." " What?" " Shall we dance?" "Can't you see I have a companion?" "Come and dance, otherwise we might get knifed." "It's a Beguine." "Can you manage it?" "Bravo!" "You dance well!" "Where did you learn?" "Back home?" "Nino, excuse me, it was nice to meet you." "We've had a drink, we've talked and even danced." "But now it's goodbye." " What's the hurry?" " I've got to go." " When shall we meet again?" " I don't know..." "So then, must I consider this encounter to have been an illusion?" " How much for two beers?" " 600." "I never even took a sip..." "Five, six..." "Farewell!" "Gilda!" "Gilda!" "Gilda!" "Leaving on your own, you might run into trouble." "If I find her, I'll tell her I have serious intentions." "I'll say, "Gilda, with this kiss I say many things"." "I'll find a job and marry you." "She's waiting for me!" "You took ages!" "Where've you been?" "She said she didn't have a boyfriend." "It must be her brother." "What brother?" "She's probably a whore." "If she's a prostitute, she'll be back." "If she doesn't return, she's not a prostitute, and I'll never see her again." "Wise words!" "I've noticed there are a lot of whores in Milan!" " If you don't find me here, I'll be at the bar." " She's come back!" "So, she really is a whore!" " Bye, Pio." " Bye, Gilda." "What are you doing on the ground?" "Gilda, we've nothing more to say." "We began and now we're we finished." "So... ?" "I'm ready..." "It was wonderful." "Thanks dear." "Bye." "Come back!" "Come back..." ""I don't know you." "I don't know who you are..."" ""..." "I've got my dreams..."" "You've come back?" " I've forgiven you, Gilda." "You forgive me?" "Well-mannered people say hello." "Forgive what?" "You deceived me." "You came to give me a sermon?" "Come on, accompany me home." "It's dead out here tonight." "Look, only 20,000 lira..." " You make more than a surveyor!" " I'm sure you're right." " But you live a vice-ridden life." " Vice?" "What vice?" "Being a whore." "It's as clean as any other job, and better than politics." "Let's go." "Come on, look sharp!" "Be happy!" "I don't want to see you all downcast." " "I don't know you..."" " Hi Gilda, have you hooked up with Onassis?" "Tell the truth, did you kiss me out of feelings, or for lust?" "I don't know, I did it because..." "It was spontaneous!" "So then... you'd like me to be your young man?" "I don't know..." "I like you because you seem like a good boy." "You fascinate me, too." " I've only seen girls like you in films." " Oh please!" " I'm serious!" "Even on television." "You're silly..." " You look like Mina." " Everyone tells me that." "I love her!" " Sing me something..." "Gilda, please." " I'm ashamed!" " What do you want me to sing?" " The song that you were singing earlier." " "I don't know you, who you are..."" " How beautiful!" " What eyes you have!" " You're really nice." "Thank you!" "If you give up your job, we could become an item." "You could be my girlfriend, then my fiancee, and then mother of our children." "Yes, but you left out being a grandmother!" "Are you crazy!" "I'm already married, see the ring?" "I also have a child, Luigino." "But... we're separated now." "As well as being a whore, you're married!" "One illusion after another!" "Your sister's a whore!" "What planet are you from?" " I was made like this... is that so strange?" " Don't get angry!" "If you want, come upstairs." "If not, kiss me goodbye   and don't look back." " So, what do I do?" " I don't know." "I forgive you once more." " But don't get angry." "I forgive you." " Then come on upstairs!" "I forgive you!" " But don't get angry!" " Watch out for the Hortensias!" "I'm coming!" "Mary, Mother of God!" "It's like being on television!" "Do you like it, dear?" "It was furnished by a client, Baraldi, the architect." "There's even a rug!" "That's Spitz." "He won seven gold medals in Monaco." "He looks like you." "Do you want to sleep in the bed with me, or on the sofa?" " I've never gone to bed with a woman." " Never?" "I've made love over the years, but always standing up." "If it won't bother you, I'd prefer to cuddle up to you." "No, it won't disturb me..." "Despite my job, I'm always alone at night." "It's always beautiful to feel the breath of companion close by." "Someone who..." "holds your hand." "I shall withdraw for a moment." "Make yourself at home." "Maybe even wash up a bit." ""Love"..." ""I want it to be love, love, the real kind..."" ""I want it to be..."" "She's a fascinating woman, with such an amazing apartment..." "What a shame she has a thing for that bisexual." "I'll tell her loud and clear, "I'm the man here!"" ""Beginning tomorrow you must end your illicit profession."" ""Otherwise, I won't hold your hand tonight."" "She's getting ready for bed." "A bearded lady is always a pleasure." "She pees like a man." "Mary, Mother of God, she's a man!" "Oh my God, that's disgusting!" "I'm getting out of here right now!" "Going to bed with a man?" "Standing up, or with a sheep is fine, but it has to be female!" " Nino, where are you going?" " It's the end of the affair." "I'm off." " But why?" " I discovered your secret identity, Gilda!" " You're a man!" " Man or woman... is it important, really?" "Yes, it's important!" "Prostitute and married is okay,   as long as you're a female of the species!" " You're still worried about little details?" " They're not details!" "I'm telling you this, man to man, God forgives, I don't." "Common Bourgeois!" "Conformist!" " Fascist!" " Homo!" "The truth is, I had already developed feelings for her!" "I was already thinking of our future." "Then I discovered the betrayal." "I read that in Sweden two men got married." "A couple must be made up of a male and a female." "If it's between two males, it's not a couple, it's just disgusting." "She was so beautiful, you know!" "With just one tiny defect!" "And, speaking frankly is wasn't that small, either." "Thanks, dear!" "Don't cheat on me or I'll beat you!" "I'll keep him, Sweetie... 30.000!" " At home or in the car?" " Car." " Asshole!" " Bitch!" "Let me see..." " What a lovely blush, where'd you get it?" " Montenapoleone." "" I don't know you..."" "Nino?" "Gilda..." "Gilda, I... cannot remain apart from you." "Nor I from you!" " Gilda..." " Nino..." "Can a man choose a man as a legitimate companion?" "Certainly he can." "He only has to want to." " Gilda..." "I want to." " Really?" "Nino..." "Nino..." "I'm coming!" "What bad manners!" "I was talking with my fiancee." "Not tonight, mister." "I'm indisposed." "I made it weak, or you won't sleep." "You're always hungry." " What a mess!" "How many sugars?" " Three." "You don't like it bitter?" "None for me, I've got to lose 3 kilos." "Excuse me, can you untie me?" " What a beautiful outfit." " We'll have a small liqueur and then off to bed." " Did you eat well?" " Well enough." "Is he a relative?" "Who?" "No, that's Marlon!" "I'm crazy for Brando." " Allow me." " You're a sweetheart..." "You bet I'm against it!" "Why do I have to join the Union?" " To defend your interests!" " Defend you're own, you homo!" "We don't go in for jerking off people in the cinema!" "We're not pedophiles or homosexuals, we're women!" " We're ladies!" " Then why are you called Giuseppe?" " Oh, go fuck yourself!" " We've got nothing to do with your 'problem'!" "We could belong to the Women's Liberation Front!" " We're not ashamed." "Who are you?" " Valeria." " Monica." "I'm Gilda." "Today, like any other, I'm Miss Gilda!" " Hey, Miss, your wife's looking for you." " Oh Christ, there she is." "You know I don't like it when you come to my work place." "What is it?" " Luigino is ill." "He's got a fever." " Luigino?" "It's not serious?" " I've got to buy medicine." " Okay, I understand." "I don't fall behind, you know?" " You could get your hair done, though." " With all I have to do?" "." "You always were..." "Later!" "You always were so dowdy!" "Oh, it's only Borghetti..." "I'll bring you one of my old dresses." "Something simple, maybe." "Take this, go on." "Bye." " Goodbye." "Say hello to Luigino." " Thanks." "Walk upright!" " I brought you a cappuccino." " Thanks." "You're always so kind." " Isn't that Antonietta?" " Why, do you know her?" " Sort of." "Do you know her?" " She's my wife." "One of my brothers is also married to her." "Gilda... you're name isn't Cosimo, by any chance?" "Yes, Cosimo Berraldi from Carbonara..." " But then, you..." " You're Saturnino?" " Saturnino, that's me!" " You're my brother!" " What kind of shit pile am I caught up in?" " Mary, mother of God!" " Saturnino, but..." " Why didn't you recognize me that first day?" "And why didn't you recognize me?" "When I left home, you were just 10!" "And now... you've changed a lot!" "And you haven't?" "You're more changed than me!" " Queer!" " Oh yes?" "And you?" " What a shame..." " What's a shame?" "I thought..." "Instead of being a man, you're a woman." "Instead of being a whore, you were respectably employed." "Instead of being married, you were single." "And instead of being my brother, you were a female cousin." "We could have celebrated our ecstasy ..." "... and been happy." "Nino... it was destiny brought us together,   and destiny that drives us apart." "That's life." "Goodbye, Nino." "Goodbye." "THE GUEST" "We're here, at last!" "It took a while, but it was worth it!" "Feel that air!" " Breathe in!" " On balance, it's good." "It's a nice little place!" "One hectare." "The house was 150 million lira." "Come on in!" "It's a celebration for my wife when I invite someone for dinner." "She's always at home... never sees anyone!" " She's a simple woman." "Hi, Peppino!" " Good evening, Ingegnere." " How are the Gardenias?" " I'll bring them into the greenhouse." "The house is Bunker-style!" "Designed by a pupil of Corbusier!" "Tiziana!" "Guess how much we pay the gardener?" "120.000 lira a month!" "On top of that, lodging, food, lights, heating... all for free!" " Who's better off than him?" "Tell me?" " No one!" "This is my humble abode." "Like the proverb says, "Show me where you live, I'll tell you who you are."" "This is my lady." "They're both beautiful, no?" "Hi, Tizzy!" " Dr. Bianchi." " Charmed." "He's the head of Social Statistics at the headquarters in Padova." "They say that statistics are the least exact of the sciences!" " Exactly!" " Please, sit wherever you like." "Earlier he was telling me that out of 100 people invited to dinner,   55 refuse with an excuse, 30 accept because they don't know how to refuse,   and 10 accept, but then bitterly regret it." " That's a plexiglas lighter!" " It's simple, just twist it." "You know, architects also design lighters, glasses, pens ..." "In fact, only 5% of people are fully satisfied with their dinner invitations." " I hope that you'll be one of the 5%." " I'm sorry to intrude on you, unannounced." "It's not a bother." "It will be an impromptu dinner, but we'll do our best." "Rosaria, one more place for dinner." "She makes a fortune with us, but she's always got a long face!" "She makes 150.000 lira a month, and she weighs only about 38 kilos." "That's more than 4.000 lira per kilo..." "like veal!" " Even Parmesan's gone up in price." " Christ, who's better off than these domestics?" " Maybe gardeners." " They're almost beggars, but they put on such airs!" "Tiziana wants a child." "But we can't afford one, unless we get rid of the domestic." "I'm sure the doctor isn't interested in this." "Go on, mix us a drink." "Straight away." "If you want to call the hotel, be my guest." " There's no rush." " The telephone is in my bedroom." "I'll show you." "Maybe that would be best." "If someone calls for me, they'll know I'm here." "Tiziana, get changed!" "You're not going to dinner like that!" "Hello, Hotel Duomo?" "No?" "Oh, the Supponevo?" "Excuse me, my mistake." "I'm trying to reach the Hotel Duomo." "Ah, you're the Hotel Duomo?" "I'm looking for Dr. Bianchi." "Yes, I'll hold." "Oh, what an idiot I am." "It's me, Dr. Bianchi, calling." "I've been invited out for dinner." "Without a bra." "If someone calls, can you forward them?" "I'll give you the number." "36, 44, 25... 26." "Thanks." "I'll hold." "Ah, yes..." "I've alerted them." "This aperitif requires a lengthy preparation, but it's worth it." "It seems easy to make, but it's a very precise thing." "It's my invention." "I call it "The Bulldozer"." "3/8 martini, 4/8 vodka and 1/8 ..." " Watch out!" " It's not important." "... 1/8 rhubarb." "It's nothing, it's already dry!" " ... two grains of black pepper ..." " Excuse me, Madam... please..." " Let me do it, otherwise it will stain." " It's not important." "What are you doing?" "Let me do it..." "Also, because... excuse me, but..." "Ah, it's a bit of a delicate area." "Don't worry about it." "Excuse me, but..." " Your very kind, thank you." " Cheers!" " What are you doing, Tiziana?" " Nothing, I was just cleaning it." "Taste it." "Tell me what you think." "Be honest." "It's good, right?" " What's this?" " Basil." "Good, eh?" "Bulldozer!" "This is my kingdom." "I take care of everything here with my own hands." "I don't trust anyone else." "They'd dry out the lot in a couple of days." "Once I came back from Paris a day early, worried about my roses." "I care more about the flowers than my wife, so to speak." "Did you know that flowers can sense music?" "I pipe music through two hours a day, one in the morning, one in the evening!" "Oh, what a beautiful peach." "Help me get it." " ... tulips love jazz ..." " Help me get it." " Shall I lift you?" " ... it's got to be delicate music." "No brass." " Did you get it?" " Yes!" "Are you listening, Tiziana?" " Yes, I heard, flowers like music." " I got it!" " ... except dahlias ..." " Have a bite!" " Dinner is ready." " We're coming, Rosaria." "It's ready!" " Perhaps the doctor wants to wash his hands." " It's not important." " I'll take you." " There's a heavenly risotto on the table!" "I enjoy myself at dinner more than I do in the bedroom." " Here's a clean hand towel." "Thank you." " If you'd like to take off your jacket..." " No, I'm fine." "Thank you." " I'll take advantage of the moment." " Please, go right ahead." " Tiziana." " She's not in here." " Yes, here I am." " Yes, Tiziana's in here." "It's your husband..." "What an idiot." "I was taking the soap with me." "You know your wife was here... inside?" " Bravo, Dr. Bianchi!" " Well... thanks." "You know, my typist   I repeat, my typist, a good girl, from a good family   makes, including extras, 180.000 lira a month  for banging on a machine 8 hours a day, which isn't all that long." "These days in Italy, those who are better off   are those who were dying of hunger at one time." "The working class are the richest!" "It seems like a paradox, but that's how it is!" "At one time the kingdom of heaven was reserved for the poor." "Now they don't do so badly here on earth!" "The roast beef is really good!" "I'll have another piece." "Screw the cholesterol!" " Here, this one." "The wine's good, right?" " Excellent!" "To your health, Madam!" "Ours is an exquisitely economic problem." "You can't do anything without a healthy economy." "I'm grabbing another piece!" "You know what the chief industrialist in Lombardy told me?" ""Don't get me started!"" "if someone like him is speaking like that, we've really hit the bottom!" "You smell wonderful, Madam Tiziana." " Listen, Madam ..." " Tell me." " Earlier, at the table..." " Earlier, at the table...?" "Yes, when..." "When you were playing footsie..." " When I was playing footsie...?" " Nothing, I just wondered..." "Yes... yes... if he realized... ?" " Who?" " Your husband." " Realized what?" " I had the impression that..." " Perhaps I was mistaken." " Of course you were mistaken!" " He's sleeping." " It often happens after dinner." " Won't he wake up?" " No, but don't think about taking advantage." " In what sense?" " Perhaps you were thinking of seducing the wife?" " Speak more quietly." " Tell the truth, you wre thinking about it." " No, I swear it." " Don't swear, I can see it in your face." " If you move any closer, I'll scream!" " I was just moving to a more comfortable position." " But you want to?" " Yes... but in a respectful way." " He's still sleeping." " You've already said that." "Would you have the courage, here, in front of him?" "No, I don't think so." " If he wasn't here, would you dare?" " I would, but he is!" "Then dare!" "Don't provoke me, it could be dangerous." " Danger excites me!" " Excitement inhibits me!" "Inhibitions excite me!" "Where has Dr. Bianchi gone?" "What are you doing?" "Have you lost something?" "No, no..." "I was looking for..." "Where is it...?" " No, it's nothing." " Don't sit down!" "It's late, time for bed." " No, I promise you, I wasn't..." " I'm saying you have to go." " No, I can stay... maybe another drink?" " No!" "No!" "No!" "Rosaria, accompany him to his car." "Let's go, I've got a lot to do tomorrow." " If you insist, I can stay!" " No, go back to your hotel." " I could leave a little later, Madam." " Out!" " But her hands were all over me..." " LEAVE!" "I'm going, I'm going... !" "So rude!" "That degenerate will never enter my home again!" "Now, you come here..." "Well done!" "You were magnificent!" " What a fantastic idea." " Yes, my love." "We'll do all the positions!" "Even number 12, which you love so much!" "Come here, whore, slut!" "I'll strip you naked!" "He's a raging lunatic!" "Why do the dinner guests always molest me?" "Whatever happened to courtship and good manners?" "!" "MADAM, IT'S EIGHT O'CLOCK" "TWO HEARTS AND A HOVEL" "IT'S NEVER TOO LATE" "THE HONEYMOON" "COME BACK, MY DARLING" "ITALIAN WORKER ABROAD" "THE VENDETTA" "A DIFFICULT LOVE" "THE GUEST" "Originally subtitled by SL Handy"