"JACK:" "Hey, Govy, what are you doing here?" "If I may have a moment of your time, Jacques?" "What's the matter?" "That rash come back?" "No, monsieur!" "CROQUE:" "This time, it is something not quite so easily dismissed." "My wife Camille." "Her ship docks in one hour." "Camille returns from Europe, where my brother, Napoleon, raises the flag of victory on foreign soil." "Aha!" "And you think they've been playing "hide the flagpole"?" "No, no." "But my brother believes that a potent libido is necessary for leadership, and from what Camille has told him, he fears I am no longer man enough to govern Palau-Palau." "Oh, come on." "You break wind and a thousand soldiers draw their swords." "Perhaps." "But it has been some time since my own "saber" has been raised." "Please, you must help me!" "Hey, look, Croque, you look like a nice guy, but..." "Jacques, if I cannot satisfy my wife," "Napoleon will make her Governor!" "(CHUCKLING)" "Well, espionage reaches a new low." "I'm now the Governor's fluffer." "Jack, this is really quite serious." "I know of this Camille, and if she takes over," "Palau-Palau will be more oppressive than a..." "Than a geisha's chastity belt." "Oh, can't have that." "We must help Croque, for everyone's sake." "Hey, don't look at me." "Last time I danced the seven veils" "I threw my hip out." "But aren't there things that men use to sort of straighten out the problem?" "Whoa!" "Hey, you're talking to the wrong guy, sister." "Well, don't get defensive." "You must have some idea where to get that sort of thing." "Well, even if I did, which I don't, that stuff can't raise the dead, you know." "Unless of course your determination is already up, and then it can help sort of..." "Stiffen your resolve?" "Yeah, something like that." "Of course, you know, that's what I've heard." "(SIGHING) Well, I'll just have to make it more potent." "As usual, it takes a woman to solve a man's problem." "EMILIA:" "Come along." "We're off to see Croque." "Whoa, there!" "CAMILLE:" "Oh!" "Remove the tree!" "Oui, mon capitaine." "(PEOPLE SHOUTING)" "Whoa, whoa." "Jack, look, Croque and his wife are under attack!" "Oh, isn't that a shame?" "Oh, all right." "Wait here and act surprised when I jump out." "(GRUNTING)" "(SOLDIERS LAUGHING)" "BROGARD:" "Nowhere to run, monsieur!" "That's what you think!" "(GASPING)" "Camille!" "Steady, men!" "Uh-uh-uh." "Not so fast." "Since when does the Dragoon fight for the Governor?" "I thought you were a man of the people." "That's true, but I'm an enemy of all crime." "The Governor will get what's coming to him, but not like this." "(JACK LAUGHING)" "After him!" "Oui, mon capitaine." "Madam." "(HORSE WHINNYING)" "Whoa!" "Whoa!" "(GRUNTING)" "BROGARD:" "Mon gouverneur, are you all right?" "Nice work, Jack." "Thanks." "What happened?" "Is everyone all right?" "Who was that masked man?" "I must have him." "In 1801, the Revolution had been won" "And Uncle Sam's favorite son" "Had a job he needed done" "Which brought Jack to a lady" "Both beautiful and smart" "Who found his mix intriguing" "A scoundrel with a heart!" "From the Halls of Montezuma" "To the shores of Tripoli" "There was never a leatherneck braver" "A daring dragoon is he!" "He'll halt the bold advance" "Of Napoleon's attack" "There ain't a French or pirate rogue" "Who don't know Jack!" "From the Halls of Montezuma" "To the shores of Tripoli." "Sailin' 'round the bloody world" "To defend democracy" "And when ya need a fightin' man" "To trust or watch your back" "Just ask the bloke right next to ya" "Damn right!" "It's Jack!" "JACK:" "All right." "Well, what should I have done, let Brogard use Camille as target practice?" "No, but can't you tone it down a bit?" "I mean, why do you always have to be so..." "Intoxicating?" "Spectacular?" "Handsome?" "You said it yourself, Jack, aphrodisiacs merely fan the flames, they don't create passion." "And if Camille falls in love with the Dragoon, she'll never reconcile with Croque." "Yeah, well, Dragoon or no Dragoon, it's gonna take more than pixie dust before they're banging headboards again." "Yes, well, it can help and we've got to try." "They're married, Emilia." "Come on!" "What precisely are you implying, Jack?" "I'm not precisely implying anything." "I'm saying passion never survives past the altar." "I'll have you know that after five years of marriage, my husband and I had more passion for each other than we did on our wedding night." "True passion grows from a foundation of trust and respect, shared by mature and civilized people." "Wait." "Are we talking about sex here or parliamentary procedure?" "We're talking about love, Jack." "Croque and Camille simply need a catalyst to put their hearts back in touch." "They'd better touch more than that or Croque's history." "Yes." "Well, if they don't, we may all be history." "Camille, are we fully recovered, ma chérie?" "From the terror, or the disappointment?" "Disappointment?" "Oh, my life hung by a thread, yet my husband and his army were impotent to save me." "But, fortunately, there is still at least one man on this island with a heroic heart." "The Dragoon?" "He is a criminal, not a hero!" "He most likely planned the entire event just to make fools of us yet again!" "Oh?" "He's done so before?" "Tell me more about this insolent wretch." "He lives to spit in our faces." "(SPITTING)" "To repudiate French authority on this island!" "He strikes and then vanishes into the night, like a jungle cat..." "Mon Dieu!" "(GASPING)" "How can any of us be safe with such a virile danger in our midst?" "I assure you, ma chérie, the thought occupies me day and night." "Unfortunately, it has had rather a diminishing effect on my system." "You poor dear!" "You need rest." "(LAUGHING)" "No strenuous activity until you're recovered." "I forbid you to leave this bed, understood?" "(GIGGLING)" "And where are you going, mon petit chou?" "To take a bath." "I'm feeling so very dirty." "Ah, here it is." "Last one on the island, just in from Spain." "What is it?" "Spanish fly." "They say it's a great aphrodisiac." "(GIGGLING)" "Maybe I can isolate the active ingredient to make it twice as potent." "Twice as potent?" "Sounds like a special case." "(WOMEN LAUGHING)" "It is." "Desperate, in fact." "Oh, come on now, ladies, you don't actually think this is for me, do you?" "Now, honey, the chemist said we must do this right away if it's to work." "And while we're at it, we should pick up some waxing cream for that little chest hair problem of yours." "MAN:" "Help me!" "Come on, Em." "We got a problem." "Keep the change." "Captain Brogard, I demand to know what crimes these people are charged with." "Oh, they're quite innocent, madame." "Still, they'll be hanged at dawn." "By whose order?" "By order of the Governor's wife." "She'll be giving all the orders around here pretty soon." "This is an outrage!" "Such wanton bloodshed will not go unanswered!" "Actuellement, that is what Madame Camille is hoping." "Okay, now, for once, Cappy, you're way ahead of me here." "Madame wishes to meet the Dragoon." "So, this is a sort of invitation." "And if he doesn't show?" "There is no shortage of peasants." "Look, I'll just sneak into Camille's room and make her happy." "She would pardon Attila the Hun if the old Dragoon asked her." "Don't flatter yourself." "Emilia, come on, your position is always" ""what's best for the mission."" "So, let's just think of it as the missionary position." "Camille is very cunning, Jack." "This could be a trap." "And even if it weren't, that would hardly reconcile her with her husband, now, would it?" "Come on, sister, that ship has already sailed." "I still maintain that love outlasts passion." "And where there is love, the flame can always be rekindled." "Yeah, where there's lighter fluid." "Godspeed now, Jack." "The Governor's waiting." "Look, have you seen Camille?" "If Croque can't raise his mast for her, no potion in the ocean can do it for him." "I've refined the extract." "This should be 10 times as strong." "Yeah." "And when it doesn't work, he's gonna blame me." "No thanks." "You give it to him." "It's as certain as science, Jack." "One shot of this, they'll need a fire hose to separate them." "We're both gonna be hosed if you think science can put libido in a bottle." "Can you just take it?" "Can you..." "So did I tell you I was donating my body to science?" "Research can always use a few good men." "Will you still respect me in the morning?" "I don't respect you now." "Oh, my goodness, it's the potion, isn't it?" "Yeah." "Yeah." "Must be." "I mean, we wouldn't be doing this." "No, no." "Of course not, we'd never forgive ourselves." "This is terrible, this is simply..." "Yeah." "You bet." "Terrible." "Uh, can you make more?" "Well, that was the last Spanish fly." "Now we'll never know if the potion would have worked." "Unless we document our own reactions." "In the name of science, of course." "Yes." "That's an excellent idea." "And from that, deduce what Camille and Croque might have done." "Man and a woman, shouldn't be too hard to figure out what happens next." "This is child's play." "Camille is quite the sexpot." "I bet she would probably start like this." "Yeah." "She is one hot racing yacht, that Camille." "Transparent as rice paper." "There's no doubt what's on her mind." "Yeah." "And that Croque." "Oh, sure, he hides it well, but I'll tell you what, that old bird's got a wild streak inside of him, too!" "Without question." "And I bet sometimes it shoots straight to the surface." "Yeah." "Those Frenchmen." "They sure are hot-blooded!" "Volcanic." "(BOTH PANTING)" "Oh, what am I doing?" "If I get any closer to you, you're just gonna have to slap me, okay?" "Yes." "Yes." "Okay." "Yeah." "Hey, do that again." "You like that, you nasty man?" "Do you want some more?" "Yeah." "I want you to spank me." "I want you to spank me till the cows come home, baby!" "Wait a minute!" "One of us has got to leave." "Yes." "Yes, you're right." "Preferably, with clothes on." "Yeah." "No, where are you going?" "Well, there are lives at stake and I have to take care of Camille." "Take care of her?" "Jack, no, no, no." "Don't go!" "She's a..." "She's a harmless child, she's a tramp!" "She's a hussy!" "Don't you dare touch that woman, Jack Stiles, you hear me?" "(GRUNTS)" "If you leave, Jack, you'll regret it!" "You have no idea." "(GASPING)" "(KNOCKING AT DOOR)" "Is that you, my little buttercup?" "Psst, psst!" "What's shaking, bacon?" "Jacques." "(CHUCKLING)" "Hey, you resting up for the big event?" "I am afraid not." "My wife desires a bigger event than mine." "Well, lucky for you, I brought the goods." "I have no need of potions anymore." "Forget potions." "I got something that's better than that." "You know, Croquey, your little problem isn't that unique." "Or hard to solve, either." "Is it not?" "No." "See, when two people have been together for a long time, things can get a little routine between the sheets." "Predictable." "Dare I say dull." "Next thing you know, you're just going through the motions, and she's counting the ceiling cracks." "Counting the ceiling cracks." "Yeah, you get the idea." "And then one night, when you least expect it, the little soldier just won't salute." "But the war isn't over." "No, no, no." "You just need to generate some excitement and get that blood pumping again." "What kind of excitement?" "Well, you said your wife wants to meet the Dragoon?" "Oui, and I rather think she is hoping the encounter will be horizontal." "Well, she may be on the right track." "I should allow my wife to sleep with a criminal?" "Not exactly." "But if the Dragoon were to come into her room, she'd get pretty excited." "And if she got excited, next thing you know, the little soldier's on the march again." "You catch my drift?" "Like a little game." "Yeah." "Like cricket, only fun." "Your first match is tonight at the Coq Saint Jacques." "(LAUGHING)" "JACK:" "That ought to do it." "Okay." "Now, this is for Madame Camille's eyes only." "You got that?" "So, mission accomplished?" "Yeah, yeah." "I think so." "That woman is a tart, a cheap strumpet." "Calm down, I haven't done anything." "Or anybody, for that matter." "Camille included." "Promise on your honor?" "If you had any, I mean." "Yeah." "No one's touched my honor, unfortunately." "Look, I think I've got hot pants and grandpa back on the road to romance." "Really?" "Yeah." "Do you think there's still a chance something may come between them?" "One can only hope." "Could be something big." "Ooh, she's a lucky woman." "Oh, she can have luck." "I'll take science any day, baby." "(GASPING)" "Back again!" "I don't think it ever left." "All right." "Let's just get a grip." "Grip away, baby." "Oh, I'm sorry!" "I'm sorry." "It's all right." "It's all right." "I'm going to go." "No, no, I should go." "We could always go together." "(GRUNTS)" "Jack, wait!" "Where are you going?" "Trust me." "You don't want to know." "(PANTING)" "Now, let's see what you're really up to, Jack." "JACK: (VOICEOVER) Meet me at the Coq Saint Jacques, 8:00." "The Daring Dragoon." "P.S. Wear red." "Well, if it isn't our nightly regular." "Drop the stiff act, Brogie." "At least until you get upstairs." "(CHUCKLING)" "Go easy on him, sweetie." "(GRUNTS)" "If you're a good girl, Maggie," "I have a nice little profiterole for you to nibble on." "(BARKS)" "(GROWLING)" "(SNORTING)" "(MAGGIE GIGGLING)" "Monsieur, monsieur." "I've been expecting you." "This way." "(LAUGHING)" "Okay, big guy." "Showtime." "(LAUGHING)" "No, this way." "Go get them, tiger." "Your turn, Sadie." "No, no, no, no, Monsieur Jacques." "We simply must reduce this tension between our countries." "Well, to be honest, I have been a little tense lately." "If she's..." "Well, then who's..." "Out of the way!" "Come quick!" "The Dragoon is here!" "I guess I'll have to take a rain check." "You can count on that." "Oh, Jacques." "(CROQUE LAUGHING)" "Come here, you!" "Emilia!" "Emilia!" "What're you doing here?" "You lied, you were going to Camille!" "But where is Camille?" "Hey, look, I can explain." "Really." "(KNOCKING AT DOOR)" "BROGARD:" "Give up, Dragoon, you are surrounded!" "Mon Dieu!" "I will be hanged!" "No, you don't." "Not on my watch." "I know we agreed to keep our clothes on, but I need your underwear again." "Oh, Jack." "I mean, oh, Jack." "Yes." "Dragoon!" "Open up!" "Break down the door!" "SOLDIER:" "Oui, mon capitaine." "(SOLDIERS GRUNTING)" "If you want a turn, Brogard, why don't you pay like the rest of us?" "(LAUGHING)" "After him!" "(WOMEN EXCLAIMING)" "You guys get new uniforms or something?" "Oh!" "You dropped it!" "Better go get it." "(GRUNTING)" "(JACK LAUGHING)" "If you thought that was good, madam, come upstairs and I'll show you one better." "Time to blow, babycakes!" "I told you we'd get the old blood pumping!" "All right, Croquey, give it up!" "Time to put the hammer down." "(SNICKERING)" "Come on, Jack!" "Ooh!" "They say you're a man of action." "I say prove it." "(GASPING)" "It was you all along?" "Oui, ma chérie." "I've never known this side of you." "Take me!" "Ravage me!" "(LAUGHING)" "(BOTH GIGGLING)" "I saw Camille yesterday." "She was looking very satisfied." "Well, Em, I guess you were right." "Love triumphed in the end." "You were right as well, Jack." "Passion can be very compelling." "Yeah, that jungle juice was strong stuff, huh?" "It might have ruined things between us." "So, true friendship gives passion a run for its money?" "Yeah." "Just out of curiosity, how long will these effects last?" "No more than a day or two." "Whatever will we do to pass the time?" "I think I'll go horseback riding." "And you?" "Oh, a lot of cold showers." "Starting right now!" "(CHUCKLING)"