"We're here live at the KOZY 102.1 Hallween Haunt at the South Park docks!" "Come on down!" "We've got a haunted house and everyone is decorating for tomorrow night, HALLOWEEN, when the band KoRn, that's right, KoRn, is going to play live!" "And don't forget to wear a costume tomorrow, because there's a big first prize!" "Why, here's some kids enjoying the Halloween Haunt now!" "Say boys, what do you think of KOZY-FM's Halloween Haunt so far?" "This one time, like eight months ago, I saw two guys kissing in a park." "And that was the gayest thing I'd ever seen, until I saw the KOZY-FM Halloween Haunt." "Uh-hall right!" "Well, enjoy the spooky docks, kids." "Hey you guys!" "You know what time of year it is?" " Of course, dumbass, it's Halloween." "That's right, and that means only two more months till Christmas!" "You'd better watch out, you'd better not cry..." "Christmas?" "Christmastime is presents for me." "Aw, nuts!" "Come on, Ned, this ain't no whore house, it's a hor-ROR house." " Spooky Laboratory, you guys." " Those things are stupid, Cartman." "They just stick your hand in cold spaghetti and tell you it's intestines and stuff." "Well, I'm going to Spooky Laboratory!" "Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells..." "Welcome to Spooky Laboratory." "I'm your guide, Dr. Spookalot." "Allow me to show around the lab." " Cool!" "Here I have a bowl of human eyeballs." " And here you can feel the brains." " Oh-HO, grohoss." "And here you can feel the warm innards of the body" "You guys, I'm gonna try and win that costume contest!" "Give it up, Kenny!" "You're not gonna win that costume contest!" "Your costumes always suck." "We scared you, chickens!" " W-we weren't scared!" " Oh no?" "Well, you should be!" " The pirate ghosts are gonna come getcha!" " The what?" "Didn't you know?" "There's an old legend in South Park that says these docks are haunted by pirate ghosts." "They roam these docks with their swords and hook-hands looking for victims to cut up!" "That's just an old legend." "Gotcha again." "Just wait till tomorrow!" "We're gonna scare you kids to death!" "You guys, my hand totally smells like spaghetti now." "Smell it." "I'm sick of those fifth graders scaring us all the time!" "We should come up with a way to scare them!" "Yeah!" "Let's see how they like it!" "Joining me now is Father Maxi, from the South Park Church." "Father, what do you think of all the preparations here at the docks?" "Halloween is an abomination of God!" "A celebration of the occult-eh!" "Yeah, and how about KoRn playing the big concert tomorrow?" "Pretty exciting, huh?" "KoRn is a devil-worshipping group that plays violent music!" "If we allow that demon band to play on this most unholy of holidays, we may incur the full wrath of evil!" "Alright, we'll see you tomorrow for Halloween!" "In the meantime here's a KOZY hit by Barry Manilow." "Come on, you guys, think!" "How can we scare the fifth graders?" "It has to be something reeaally scary." "We could get a big scary plastic spider, and dangle it in front of them on a string... spooky spider, that's pretty scary." "That's not scary, fatass!" "Well, come on!" "We can think of something better than stupid pirate ghosts!" " Are you sure we're goin' the right way?" " I don't know." "This map doesn't make any sense." "That's because you've got it upside down, chowderhead!" "When are we gonna get to the gig?" "I'm starving." "Don't think about it." "We'll just keep playing our game." "Raady?" "I spy with my little eye something that begins with the letter T!" "I know!" "A t-ree!" "You've got it." "I spy with my little eye something that begins with the letter R." " A road?" " That's it!" "Okay, here's one." "I spy with my little eye something that begins with the letter P." " The letter P?" " What the heck starts with the letter P?" "Pirate ghosts!" "Mom!" "You got the new Duffy's catalog!" "I-I'm gonna circle everything I want for Christmas, okay?" "Mom?" "Okay?" "O-kay, let's see." "I waant... thiis... aand... this..." "Eric, your little friends are here." "Mom, mom!" "You wanna see what I want for Christmas?" "E-heric, it's only Halloween." "That's only 72 shopping days left for you!" " Come on, fatass, we have to go!" " Ey!" "Don't call me fat!" " Mom, don't laugh." " I'm sorry, hon." " I can't go with you guys right now." " Yes you can, porky." "Mom, seriously!" "Oh, that's not funny, boys." "Eric isn't fat, his big-boned." "He must have a huge bone in his ass, then." "God-damnit, mom!" "God, I hate you guys!" "Okay, so we figured out how to scare the fifth graders." " How?" " What's the scariest thing we could get?" " Spooky spider?" " No!" "A dead body." "Yeah, fatass, a dead body." "You mean, we make something that looks like a dead body?" "We could never make one that looks real enough." "To be really scary, it would have to be real." "Yeah, fatass, it has to be real to be scary!" "So where the hell are we going to get a dead body?" "We're gonna dig up Kyle's dead grandma." "Yeah, fatass, we're goona dig up..." "Dig up Kyle's dead grandma?" "Dude, she's perfect." "She only died, like, three months ago, right?" " Are you insane?" "!" "Hi think that's a sweet idea!" "Dude!" "We'er not digging up my grandma;" "I'll get in trouble." "All we have to do is sneak in the graveyard, dig her up, scare the fifth graders, then put her back before anyone notices she's gone." " Naww, let's dig up somebody else." " Relax, dude." "What's the big deal?" "Think about it: if your grandma knew that she could help you, even in death, she would want to." "This is gonna be fun!" "Just hear those sleigh bells jingle-in', ring ting tingle-in' too." "Outside it's lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with you, and you, and you." "Cartman, will you stop singing Christmas carols?" "We have to be quiet, or else we're gonna get busted!" "This must be it." "Cleo Broflovski." "That's my grandma." " Well, let's dig 'er up!" " Wait." "I don't know if this is cool." "Of course it's cool!" "She's gonna be all rotted and scary!" "I don't think my mom would want me doin' this." ""I don't wanna dig up my dead grandma 'cause I'm such a goody-two-shoes!"" "You guys be quiet!" "Now, do you wanna get back at the fifth graders or not?" "!" " I don't really care, dude." " Yes you do!" "Now, dig!" "Outside the snow is falling and friends are calling, "You-hoo"..." "Okay." "It's almost open." "Ready?" "One, two, three!" " Whoa, dude." " Oh, my God." "Hi..." "Grandma." "Hi, Kyle." "Have you been a good boy, Kyle?" "Have you been making Grandma proud?" " Damnit, Cartman, that's not funny!" " Eheh, yes, it ihis, heh." "Heh heh, I'm sweet." "Alright, alright, let's get this over with so we can put her back!" "Okay, grab the sled." "Silver Bells, Silver Bells, it's Christmas time in the city..." "Okay." "Let's just hide her here, and tomorrow, during the Halloween party we'll come back in our costumes and use her to scare the fifth graders." "How exactly are we gonna use her to scare them?" "We could shove a stick up her ass and use her like a puppet!" "I'm scary Grandma!" "Alright, that does it, Cartman!" "That's my grandma!" "You show her some God-damned respect!" " Who was that?" " Cartman?" "!" " It wasn't me!" "Dude, not cool." "This is scary." "Hey!" "Like, it's just some kids." "I was really scared there, for a second." "Hay, you're that band KoRn." "Yeah." "I'm Jonathan, and this is Munky, David, Fieldy, and Head." "And over there is our pal, Nibblet." "Hey, where'd Nibblet go?" "Nibblet likes potato chips." "Nibblet!" "What are you guys doing out here?" "We were just driving our van when all of a sudden we were run off the road by some super-spooky pirate ghosts." "Aw, dude, that was just the fifth graders." "Yeah." "They're tryin' to scare everybody 'cause they're gay wads." "Don't worry." "We're about to go get 'em back." "Oh, swell." "We're supposed to play here tomorrow." "Do you know where the stage is?" " Yeah, dude." "It's right over there." " O-kay!" "Oh, hi." "We're KoRn." "We're supposed to play the Halloween concert tomorrow." "I know who you are and what you stand for!" "I think your music and Halloweenn is an abomination!" "Groovy!" "Could you show us where to set up?" "Alright, let's just set her over here behind these boxes." "Shouldn't we hide her better than that?" " Kyle, will you stop worrying?" "God!" "Now, we'll all be back here tomorrow with our costumes, and then, when the Halloween party gets going, we'll bust out dead Grandma!" "Let's go!" "Wait till you guys see my costume!" "It's gonan be sweet!" "Mine is so fuckin' badass it's gotta win now!" "Oh, come on, Kenny!" "You never have a sweet costume!" "You're not gonna win the costume contest!" "Yes I am!" "I've got the costume;" "it's waiting in the house!" "Yesterday I got this huge package in the mail, and it was big, okay?" "Hold on, kids." "Mrs. Broflovski?" "We're from Mt." "Peaceful Cemetery." "Could we have a word with you?" "Eehh, sure, come in." "What is it?" "Ms. Broflovski... somebody has defiled your mother's grave." "Defiled?" "How?" "Well, I'm afraid that..." "somebody dug her up." "Dug her up?" "Why?" "Well." "The most likely reason is that... somebody wanted to have sex with her dead body." "We don't want to upset you, but it happens." "Somebody's probably making love to her corpse as we speak." "Every vile position, every disrespectful act imaginable." "Hoh, dear God!" "Yes." "By now he's probably even removed her eyes and made love to the empty sockets as well." "No, we don't want to upset you, but you should know that your mother's body would be stiff and dry, so he would have to have it soaked in warm water for several hours before making love to it." " Yes." "And, now for the difficult part." " Brace yourself." "It is highly possible that he has created new orifices in her decomposing flesh, leaving her to look something like an over loved hunk of Swiss cheese." "She probably..." "Okay, okay!" "I get the point!" "Just tell me what you're gonna do about it!" " Do?" " Oh, we don't do anything." "We're just the watchmen." "Yeah, I guess, maybe, you might wanna call the police or something." "Now, he probably would make love to the dead body in a cool dry place, so as not to allow further decomposition." "Package delivery for Mrs. Cartman?" "A package?" "Oh, really?" "Well, I think I can sign for that!" "Sign heah, and heah, and heah." "I got a Christmas present!" "I got a Christmas present!" "Maybe I can see what it is." "I'll just open one little corner." "That's good, I'll rewrap it later!" "Oh, sweet!" "Life-sized blow-up Antonio Banderas love doll!" "With realistic geni-ta-lia." "Oh, this kicks ass!" "What a cool Christmas present my mom got!" "It's Halloween day, so come on down to the docks and bring your costumes!" "Where's Kenny?" "He said he had the best Halloween costume ever." "Guess wha-at I got?" "Antonio Banderas blow-up doll." "You guys didn't get one." "Where's your costume, fatass?" "Screw Halloween, I already got my Christmas present!" "In a few days I'll wrap it back up, and then when I open it on Christmas," "I'll act all, like, surprised, like:" ""Oh Mother, Antonio Banderas life-sized blow-up doll!" "What a surprise!"" "Hey, Kenny." "Hey, guys." "Uh, check out this kick-ass cool costume." "U-huh, nice costume, Kenny." "If you think you're gonna win with that, huh!" "Alright." "The fifth graders are gonna be here soon." "Let's get Kyle's grandma!" "This is gonna be sweet!" " Uuh, problem, guys." " What's the problem?" " Nno Grandma." " No Grandma?" " Nno Grandma." " She's not here!" " She has to be here!" "Well, she's not here!" "That's just great!" "Thanks a lot, Stan!" "You're gonna get me busted again!" "Okay, people." "I know we all want to get down to the docks for the Halloween Haunt but first we just need to inform you about thee people or persons out there digging up bodies to have sex with them." "Gentlemen?" "Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen." "A person who steals bodies to have sex with them is called a necrophiliac." "So that you all know what to expect, my partner Alan has draw a sketch of what having sex with a dead body might look like." "Yes, we know it's horrible." "It's probably best you not look at it." "Now, Alan will demostrate what having sex with a dead body might sound like." "Excuse me, how is this helping?" "That's it, folks." "Now, we can all go to the docks and enjoy the Halloween Haunt." "Noo!" "Don't go to the docks!" "I'm Captain Bly!" "You land-lubbers had better stay away from the docks!" "Or else, there'll be hell to pay!" "Fire the cannon!" "We won't warn ya again!" "Stay away from our docks!" "I warned you!" "I told you this would happen!" "When you allow bands like KoRn to come to town and play your hedonistic Hallowen concerts, this is what you get!" "Great rehearsal, gang." "That was really groovy." "Let's practice one more time before the show starts." "Guys, I'm sorry, but the Halloween Haunt's been cancelled." " Cancelled?" "You best clear out of here!" "There's pirate ghosts, and they'll kill you." "Well gang, it looks like we have to pack it up." "God-damnit!" "Now, what the hell are we gonna do?" "!" "Oh, hey!" "The kids from last night." "Wow!" "Is that the Antonio Banderas life-sized blow-up doll?" "Hey, Kenny." "Say, what's the matter?" "You kids look kind of glum." " Somebody took my dead grandma." " What?" "We dug her up 'cause we wanted to scare the fifth graders, but then, something took her body away." "Now she's doomed to walk the earth in limbo." "Aw, I hate to see little clowns cry." "Well, that does it." "Somethin' funny is going on here." "Your missing grandma must be connected somehow to those creepy pirate ghosts." "They're not pirate ghosts, Jonathan, they're ghost pirates." ""Pirate ghost" would suggest that a pirate died, and became a ghost, but a ghost pirate is a ghost that later made a conscious decision to be a pirate." "No, David." "Then they are pirate ghosts, because they're the ghosts of pirates." "You're wrong, because there were no pirates in Colorado." "So these must be ghosts that have decided to become pirates after the fact." " But that makes them pirate ghosts." " No." "It makes them ghost pirates." "Guys!" "Guys!" "Guys!" "Fighting isn't gonna solve anything." "Don't you see?" "This is exactly what those ghost pirates want us to do." "Pirate ghosts." "Then, you'll help us?" "Sure, we'll help you." "If there's one thing we like more than playing music, it's solving' a groovy mystery." "Al-right!" "Is everybody okay?" "People stealing bodies to have sex with them?" "Pirate ghosts destroying the town?" "When did everything go so wrong?" "I hate to say it, but I think Priest Maxi was right." "This is what we get for celebrating Halloween and allowing that band KoRn to come play." "He's right!" "Nothin' ever went wrong in this town before that evil KoRn band showed up." "Well, I say we go find them and kick their devil-worshipping butts out of town!" "Lynch mob!" "So this is where you last saw your dead grandma?" "Right." "Maybe there really are pirate ghosts and they took her inside." "Alright, gang, we have to split up and look for clues." "How should we split up?" "I know." "Let's have everyone who enjoys having obstacles in their life, which they can overcome, go this way, and everyone whose insecurities sabotage their potential to overcome those obstacles go that way." "Okay!" "Wow!" "That was easy." "Here's their van!" "Here's their van!" " Let's flip it over!" " Okay, people, let's try to stay orderly." "The best way to do this is, all get on one side and push it from the top." "Devil woshippers!" "Come on, they gotta be around here somewhere!" "This place gives me the creeps." "Say, this looks like a clue." ""Pirate Lore of South Park"." "Now, why would pirate ghosts need a book on pirates?" "Whoa." "What was that?" "The noise came from in here." "Stay close, everybody!" "Oh, no!" "I lost my glasses." "What does this dead grandma look like?" "Uh, she was all, like, crunchy and crispy and stuff." "Hey, I got an idea." "We should set a groovy trap." "Good idea." "How do we trap a bunch of pirate ghosts?" "We need something that might catch their eye to use as bait." "I know!" "Your Antonio Banderas love doll." "Oh, no!" "This is my Christmas present!" "If anything happens to it, my mom will know I opened it early!" "Come on, kid." "We all have to do our part, even Antonio." "My glasses gotta be around here somewhere." "Is that you, Jonathan?" "Boy, I'm glad to see you." "I lost my glasses." "Hey, you got a cold, Jonathan?" "Yeah, that sounds like a groovy song, man!" "Remember that one!" "Fieldy, what are you doing?" "!" "Oh, I was talking to you, Jonathan." "Hey, wait a minute." "If you're over there, then how could you be over here?" "Unless you're actually a..." "Puh-puuhh pirate ghost!" "Okay." "Here's how the trap will work." "When the pirate ghosts walk in, they should go right for Antonio Banderas." "When they hit the super-slippery floor, they'll slide onto this mining cart, which should travel down this path, into the next room, where the fish net will fall on them." "Wow, cool!" " Hey!" "Somebody's coming." "We've got to hide!" "Hey, there's Antonio Banderas!" "He'll help us." "Jonathan, no!" "Hold on, guys!" "lright, KoRn, time for you to get out of town!" "KoRn is sending their demon minions upon us!" "Alright, gang." "Looks like we're gonna have to use our special KoRn powers." "KoRn powers, vitalize!" "Form of..." "CORN!" "Alright!" "Great job, gang!" " That didn't help at all." " We know." "It's just cool to do." "Nibblet!" "What the hell is that thing?" "You did it, Nibblet!" "You trapped them!" "Yeah." "And now let's see who these pirate ghosts really are!" "Oh, I guess they really were pirate ghosts." "Alright, KoRn, you can stop your demonic shenanigans and come downtown with me!" "Hehey, look what Nibblet sees." " What the...?" " Fr." "Maxi?" "Well, what are you waiting for, Barbrady?" "!" "Arrest that band!" "No!" "Arrest him!" "I think I've got this groovy mystery solved!" "Well, I must say I still don't get this at all." "It's simple." "Priest Maxi didn't want there to be a Halloween, so he decided to scare everyone away from the docks." "Yeah." "And then he used this flashlight and some cotton swabs to create the ghosts." "Then all he needed was some sound effects created by this cup and a piece of cheese." "And all he had to do then was create a ghost ship, by using some candles, a mirror, and two squirrels." "Father, why did you go to all this trouble?" "Because Halloween is an abomination of God." "I would do anything to stop this wretched, unholy holiday!" "Including killing people and wreaking havoc all over South Park?" "Don't you see that by trying to stop Halloween you've scared the hell out of everybody?" " No." "Okay buddy, you can explain downtown!" "Well, this is all fine and good, but it doesn't explain what happened to my mother's body!" "Yeah!" "Where's Grandma?" "There she is!" "Well thanks a lot, KoRn!" "You KoRn powers really came through for us!" "Yes!" "We were wrong about you." "Will you please play for our Halloween party?" "Well, sure." "Why the heck not?" " All right!" "Oh, no!" "The pirate ghosts are back!" "Nibblet!" "Well, this sure has been a wacky night, but me and the gang learned a lot, and we hope you did too." "You all perceived us to be mean, evil people, but, really, we're just normal guys." "And we all perceived pirate ghosts to be real when, actually, they were just cotton swabs." "So I guess the lesson is:" "it's easy to perceive somethin' someway, and then be wrong." "So we all need to learn to be a little less perceptive." "The gang and I wrote a song about it, and it goes goes a little somethin' like this:" "And a-one, and-a-two, and a..." "Sweet!" "Antonio, no!" "You son of a bitch chicken from outer space thing, come back here!" "And the winner of the costume contest is:" "Wendy, for her Chewbacca costume!" "Come on up, Wendy."