"Why don't we name it Bar Dillinger or Café Dillinger?" "You'll forget all about Dillinger when we leave this crappy place." "How can you forget Dillinger Pizza?" "That combo of meat, cheese and onions is perfect." "Just like our bar." " Sounds like you like pizza more than pussy." "The quality in Dillinger is more consistent." "Look." "Our bar would be here." " Here?" "I was in Thailand for the third time when I realized - this is where Simo's Bar will be." " Our bar." "I didn't know you then." "Synkkä says hi from Thailand." " Yeah?" "Hey..." "He found us a place." " Yes!" "He needs money for bribing officials." "I hope there's a place for the pizza oven. - 0f course." "You ordered a pizza?" " I'm starving." "Rule number 4..." " I'm hungry." "You again." " Oh hi, 0mar." "You always have a different address." "Now we eat." "Is the door chain in place?" "I guess." " Is the door locked?" "Dad!" "Fuck!" "Hey!" "Stop!" "IT'S ALIVE PRODUCTIONS PRESENTS" "A FILM BY TEEMU NIKKI" "Keep running." "My foot hurts." "SIMO TIMES THREE" "WRITTEN BY TEEMU NIKKI AND JANI PÖSÖ" "PRODUCED BY JANI PÖSÖ AND TEEMU NIKKI" "DIRECTED BY TEEMU NIKKI" "Stop!" "My foot hurts." "This is lovely." "What were you saying?" " My foot hurts." "It hurts because you run barefoot." "Rule number 2:" "Never take your shoes off." "What did you drop?" "The silver stuff." "Spoons and forks." "This is just great, Lasse." "You took potholders." "Why?" " They're for Bar Dillinger." "I don't want to burn my fingers." "What did you get?" "A flute." "Get yourself shoes." " Give me money." "I'll take this stuff to Rimpi." "Bring me the change." "What did you bring us this time?" "Holy shit, Simo." "You robbed some kid?" "Are you serious?" "I got these." "These are gold." " Wow." "A chunk of gold." "We could melt this and make a statue - of Simo, the prince of thieves." "How much?" " 200." "Give me 250." "What kind of a fuckin' charity you think I am?" "Bring me technology." "Cell phones and TVs." "Or art." "National romantic, not postmodern." "Give me the money." "That's 50." "I'll deduct 150 from your debt." "What will I live on?" " I don't care." "If you work this slow, you're just paying interest." "Get the fuck out." "Hi." " Hello." "50?" " Oh, yes." "You again." "A Dillinger." "Double cheese, family size." "To go." "No more bets?" "13 black." "Skinny man, big hunger." "34 red." "Shit!" " Fuck!" "Can you help?" "I dropped my bag." "Oh shit." "A handsome kid." " Thanks." "Anders." " Quiet." "Can you give me the mixer?" "What is it?" "Gum under the seat in the subway?" "Okay." "Everything okay." "Here." " Can you come early tonight?" "I need help." "I can't promise anything." " Please." "Fine, I'll be there." " Okay, kissing cousin." "Katja's coming too." " Shit." "Act like an adult." "There are people hanging out near the power plant." "Okay, I'm on my way." "Gotta go." "Bye." "You won't fuckin' believe this." "I just bumped into an old one-night stand." "Did she want more?" "No, because she didn't recognize me." "Your stomach's full, huh?" " No." "You took a shit?" " No, a seagull did." "I need money for pizza and shoes." "How much did Rimpi give you?" " A lot." "I sent it all to Thailand to Synkkä." "We only need a little bit more." "We'll fly business class to Thailand." "Aren't you hungry at all?" "There'll be food at the next place." "Finns like to hoard food." "My foot's getting worse." "It might be fractured." "It's not fractured." "If it was, you wouldn't be walking." "There's nothing but crappy olives here." "Rule number 7:" "Find an exit." "There's only one way out." "They'll be sailing the whole week." " Excellent." "Dillinger." "With double cheese." "The address is Pengerkatu 35 A 11." "Only hobbits live in this place." "Rule number 69:" "Wash your balls daily." "I'll take a shower." "You found food." " I didn't have pets as a kid." "I always wanted a turtle." "And your parents drank and beat each other and - didn't buy you a turtle..." " If I had a kid, I'd buy him a turtle." "I bet he'd be a really happy kid." "Everybody else would have a Nintendo, - but your kid would have the world's slowest animal." "What's the hurry?" "Hi." "It's Mimmi." "What's up?" "I'm house-sitting my uncle's place." "You want to come over?" "To have sex!" "Okay." "See you." "Bye." "When we were kids, we made a house under the bed." "We'd play house." "One of us would be the father and the other the mother." "Fuck." "Then we would see..." "Wait." "Alrighty." "Hide." "Quick!" "My brother's away." "We have the place to ourselves..." "Dad!" "Mimmi." "Pumpkin." "What are you doing here?" "Who's she?" "No one." " You came here to cheat on Mom?" "No." "Seppo, your uncle..." "Dad..." "Who the hell are you?" "I can explain." "He's..." "Stop..." " Shut up, whore!" "Mimmi." "Pumpkin." "Who..." " Dillinger!" "The door was open." "Come!" "15 euros." "Fuck that cheating dickhead and his nymphomaniac daughter." "I left my tools there." "How much does Synkkä need?" " Ten grand and the flights." "Two coffees." " Ten grand?" "Your fault." "You wanted a pizza oven." "Fuck..." " Rule number 11:" "Don't eat bar nuts." "We've given him a whole lot of money, haven't we?" "We won't find a place today because I forgot my tools." "Lasse, you're a locksmith." "Sure you know how to pick locks." "You want me to break in using my social security card?" "I busted my foot." " Stop whining." "You always panic like a girl." "Lasse, let's think." "Let's think." "Sure." "Let me know when the light bulb goes on." "My one-night stand!" "She was wasted when we had sex." "That's why she couldn't remember me." "I got her pregnant on the kitchen table." "You have a kid?" "You never told me." "When you do stupid things, - you have to get off your ass and go." "She left me a message saying she's pregnant." "I went underground." "Here's my evil plan:" "You'll go there and pretend you're me." "You'll say, "Hi." "I'm Simo."" ""I'm sorry I'm late, - but I'm here to see the shit machine."" ""I've been in Africa doing charity work for Jesus."" "What?" " She showed me some expensive jewelry she'd inherited." "She keeps them in the toilet." "Go get them." "Why won't you go?" " I fathered the baby!" "I'm his dad." "He's got my face and DNA." "Then there's child support." "It would be a life-long trap." "It doesn't work that way." "You'll go there." "I don't know..." " "I don't know..."" "Simo knows." "Simo knows this will work." "Besides, you always wanted a wife, - and sperm and eggs and turtles." "Now you can have it all." "You'll play dad for 15 minutes." "It'll be an amazing experience." "You might even like it." "So we're celebrating Father's Day here." "Dad of the Year." "Yeah?" "I came." "You came?" " I'm here to see the kid." "Are you from the child health clinic?" " No..." "From the welfare office?" " No." "I was in Africa." "I didn't get your message." "But who are you?" " I'm Simo." "Simo who?" " The father of your child." "No, you're not." " Yes, I am." "I didn't have a beard then." "That Simo was a lot younger." "I can't believe you don't remember me." "I thought about you the whole trip." "I was..." "Eeva!" "Come to the door so we can talk like adults!" "I'm sorry." "I should've called or sent a letter - before coming here." "Where the fuck were you?" "!" "In Africa." "Working for a charity..." "I'm a veterinarian." "I kept people's cattle alive." "Are you some sort of maniac?" " Absolutely not." "What happened to your foot?" "A rhino stepped on it in Africa." "Or actually it was a goat." " Where are your shoes?" "They're... in Africa." "I don't know how to wear shoes anymore." "I absorb energy from the earth and..." "Blow here." "Okay." "You can come in." "For a moment." " Thanks." "What are you saying?" "You got yourself in a tight spot?" "He's a handsome little fellow." "Or is it a girl?" " It's obviously a boy." "It's hard to tell from this angle." "Has he been healthy?" "He must eat well." "He eats just fine." "How's the poop department?" "Everything okay there?" "Everything's just fine." "Does he have a name?" " Yes." "His name is Simo." "Simo." "You gave him my name." "I thought a name would be - the only thing he'd get from his dad." " Hi, Simo!" "I would've brought you a turtle if I'd known." "What would he do with a turtle?" "Turtles live long." "He'd have a friend for life." "So what do you want?" "I brought you a flower." "Just put it somewhere." "Yeah..." " I'll put it here." "I have to take a piss." "I'll go to the bathroom." "I'm sure you remember where it is." "I thought..." "Something..." " I guess you weren't sober either." "Hello." " Where the hell is it?" "I don't know exactly." " Your fuckin' jobs..." "Everything okay?" " Yeah." "My stomach is just upset after the trip." "Uh-huh." "Where the fuck is it?" "If it's not in the toilet, look elsewhere." "No way!" "I'm getting out of here." " Lasse." "Wait a second." "What a relief." "Um..." "You want coffee?" "No." "I have to go." "Yeah?" "Where are you going?" " To take a malaria test." "Is it contagious?" " No." "It's a routine checkup." "Um..." "What are we going to do?" " About what?" "About us." "You're not in a hurry?" " Malaria isn't that serious." "Can I have a piece?" " Be careful." "It's hot." "This is hot." "You still have the same phone number?" "No." "I couldn't pay the bills because I was in Africa." "I found it on the floor." "I left a lot of messages on that number." "I sent you an e-mail, but you never answered." "In Kenya there are no telephone companies." "No connections whatsoever." "Non-alcoholic?" " Yeah." "Since Simo was born, alcohol has been banned in this house." "You want to eat out on the balcony?" "WANTED F0R MULTIPLE BURGLARIES" "You need to answer?" "No." "It's nothing important." "You're going on another trip?" " Probably." "It's going to be a longer and more dangerous trip." "I probably won't come back." "Oh." "Where are you going?" "The pizza is delicious." "You use durum wheat flour?" " It's flour mix." "What's durum wheat?" "It's macaroni wheat." "They use it for pizza and pasta in Italy." "Oh." "I've never heard of it." "I can't remember almost anything about you." "Except that you were reciting a whole bunch of rules." "Rules are good for you." " Yeah." "But wasn't one of your rules never to get a tattoo?" "You mean this?" "It's a tribal tattoo from Africa." "I needed it to become a member of the local Tuku tribe." "Okay." "You won't become a member of our family that easily." " I don't think I would like to become that unless I changed my mind." "Can I have more pizza?" "Go away!" "Go away!" "Hello?" " You're famous." "What?" " I'm worried about your debt." "I'll take care of it." " Why don't you do it today?" "How am I going to do that?" " I don't give a fuck." "Look who's here." "You want to hold him?" " No." "I don't know how to." "Try it." "You'll be fine." "Just take a firm grip." "Under his arms." "That's it." "He's smiling at me." "Simo is six months old today." "Some family is coming over." "You want to stay?" "Otherwise my mom won't believe you exist." " I'm busy." "I've got to take care of things." "What happened?" "A horse fly, dammit." "Um..." "I'm running out of time on the parking meter." "You've got no shoes, but you have a car?" " Hey..." "Thanks." "Will you be back?" "Quick." "Let's go." "My face is in the paper." "What?" " My face is in the fuckin' paper." "You found the jewelry?" "I need money fast." " I didn't." "Yeah, because you were playing house over there." "There is no jewelry." "No use going there." "Rule number 12:" "Don't leave friends in deep shit." "This is important." "I need to get out of the country." "Synkkä has everything ready." "He just called." "Look at him." "Is that Synkkä's double?" "No, that guy is fatter." "That might be his brother." "Not identical, but semi-identical." "They're a couple of years apart." "He told me something about him." "Semi-identical brother?" " Semi-identical." "Synkkä!" " Don't go." "That's just some bum." "Synkkä!" "Lasse." "How's it going, stud?" " What are you doing here?" "Just got out of prison." " How's Thailand?" "The Thailand project." " Thailand?" "Is there a bar in Thailand?" " I'm sure there's a bar somewhere." "Simo didn't call you about it?" " No." "Thanks." "Go, Lasse!" "Simo!" "I invested our money." "What's going on?" "I invested it and it didn't go well." " How much do we have?" "Nothing." "Nothing?" "It could've turned out really good." "I had shit luck." "I owe money to Rimpi." "Fucking hell." ""Synkkä will handle everything." Yeah right." "You're an asshole." "How could you do this to me?" "I had shit luck." " Shit luck?" "Right." "C'mon." "Come back." "Fuck." "Yeah?" "I'm back." " Oh." "Who are you?" " You don't remember?" "I've no idea." "I'm just teasing." "You're Vesa, right?" " No." "Lasse." "I thought it was Simo." " Yeah, I mean Simo." "Was the bar closed?" "I'd like to have a cup of coffee." " Blow." "You want milk?" " Black." "What are you looking for?" " You have more records?" "No, that's all." "Here's your coffee." "What photos are these?" "My mom is the blond." "And that's my grandma." "Where are the men?" " They were busy elsewhere." "The same tradition seems to repeat itself." "Your grandma's necklace is nice." " Yeah, it's a family heirloom." "I got it when she died." "It looks valuable." " I think it might be." "Just a wild guess, but I think one of us just shit his pants." "Take a drag." "Have you ever changed a diaper?" "Undo the diaper." "Freakin' gross." "Where do I put it?" " Put it in the trash." "Don't spread it all over." "He's got huge balls." " Okay..." "They're not that huge." "They are, in proportion to the size of his body." "If they grow as fast as he does, he'll have basket balls." "Oh, shut up." "Yes, that went really well." "I don't think he likes me." "Maybe he just doesn't know you yet." "Everything's okay." "Can you get it?" "What the fuck?" " Are you trying to steal my family?" "Now you're interested?" " No." "And neither are you." "Let's go." " I don't think so." "Fine, I blew it." "I admit it." " You sure did." "I'll make it up to you." "It'll be like the old days." "Who is it?" " TV fee inspector." "Oh." " Antero Niikka." "I've paid it." " Yeah." "There might be a mistake in our database." " I have a receipt." "Show it, and you don't have to worry about it." "You have time?" "I'll go get it." "You can come in." "Thank you." " Just a moment." "Oh my, he's cute." "Yeah, even though he's yours." "They all shit their pants alike." "Uh-huh." "Simo, stop." " What?" "C'mon." "That's the necklace." "That's it." "Get the fuck out." "Are you crazy?" "He's not your baby." " I know." "I'm just pretending." "I'll tell you who you really are." " Don't!" "Found it!" "Here." "Looks good." " Great." "You look familiar." " Doesn't he?" "Have we met?" " I think they used the same mold for a lot of guys." "I was on TV once." "Oh." "Where?" "You were in that condom commercial." " Yeah." "You played the role of an STD." "Was it gonorrhea?" "Or syphilis?" "Wait." "It was herpes." " So that's where I know you from." "Can I get an autograph from a celebrity herpes?" "Oh my." "Get out." "Hi." "You got milk?" " Sure." "This is crazy, but Simo's dad is here." " What?" "Yeah, he's in there." "He is." "Go and see." "Uh-huh." "You're Simo's dad, right?" "Antero Niikka, TV fee inspector." " No, it's him." "I'm the daddy." " I see." "So this is him." "I'm Katja, Eeva's neighbor." "Hello." " What do you do for a living?" "I'm a veterinarian." " Uh-huh." "I had to put my dog to sleep last week." " It was sad." "I don't want to talk about it." "Why did you have to put it to sleep?" "She doesn't want to talk about it." "Yeah." "Why don't we talk about you, mystery man?" "What was so important that you haven't been - involved in your kid's life?" "I didn't get the message until I got back to Finland." "Huh?" "Unbelievable." "I have a son and he means the world to me." "It's hard to spend even one day apart." "For some it's not." "You think he looks familiar?" " Him?" "Yeah, he does." " He played herpes in a condom commercial." "There you go." "It's important to advertise them." "Did you say you were a TV fee inspector?" " Yes." "You have to inspect my place." "Sorry, but my work day just ended." "Do it, so she doesn't have to worry about it." "They call me about the fee every day." "They think I have a TV." "She doesn't have a TV." " I believe you." "You sure you don't have time?" "Come." "Go see her place." "Bye, TV fee inspector." "Have a nice day!" " Bye!" "The milk!" " Oh, that's right." "Here you are." " Thank you." "Coming to the party?" " Is Anders coming?" "Yeah." " I'm not sure I can make it." "Bye." " Bye." "I'm sorry." "My house is really messy." "You can leave your shoes on." " Great." "Take your time." "Look everywhere." "Check closets and cabinets." "I don't have a TV." "You want coffee?" " Sure." "Thanks." "How did you end up in a commercial?" "Are you an actor?" " Yup." "Professional actor." "Oh yeah?" "I wanted to be an actress when I was a kid." "Where have you acted?" " Mostly in films." "Short and feature films." " Oh yeah?" "TV fee inspection is just a side job." "I do this so I can meet people." "What films have you been in?" "I'm sure you haven't seen any." " I watch all the new Finnish films." "I should recognize you." "Your name was Antero, right?" "I can't remember anyone named Antero." " I'm sure you don't." "I've worked more... in Europe." "In the Czech Republic and Lithuania." "In the Czech Republic?" "Really?" "I'm a huge fan of Czech films." "I'm sure I've seen you." "What films?" " I don't think you know the directors..." "What directors?" "I've done mostly adult entertainment films." "Oh." "Hardcore porn, actually." "Seriously?" "Wow." "A porn star, huh?" "I'm the janitor in this building." "It's not as exotic." "But Eastern European porn is pretty classic." "The same routines every day, over and over again." "Hello." "My name is Markku Virtanen." "I'm a TV fee inspector." "Hi." "This is funny." "I already have an inspector here." "What..." " This apartment is inspected." "Oh, a colleague." "My name is Markku Virtanen." "What's your name?" "That's none of your business." "We need it for the report, remember?" "I'll go make coffee." "I'll call the union if you don't calm down." "Union?" " What?" "You're not in the union?" "Show me your identity card." "The coffee's ready." "Markku, you want coffee?" "Yes, please." " No thanks, Markku doesn't." "Markku, why don't you get the fuck out of here ASAP?" "Are you fucking with me?" " You won't get provisions here." "You're a shitty TV fee errand boy." "You chase people here with your inspection fees." "Get the fuck out." "So are you!" "Stop fucking with me." "Get your hands off!" "Hands off!" "A dress shirt doesn't make a man." "Fuckin' jerk-off." "Holy shit." "Sometimes I'm embarrassed by my colleagues." "You want sugar, porn star?" "You have cream?" "Do you?" "Hey." " Yeah?" "You think you'll be around in the future?" "What do you mean?" "Are you going to be involved in Simo's life?" "I don't know about my charity projects yet..." "I don't want money." "I was just thinking that when he gets older, - it would be nice if he knew he has a dad somewhere." "Yeah, it's a good thing to have a father." "I have four dads myself." "But I have no idea where they are." "You had four." "I had none." "You think Simo could have one?" "What time is it?" "Can you help me?" "Please put spoons and napkins on the table." "My mom's coming and Anders and my godfather Veikko." "Sakari might come too." "And then..." "You found them?" "You mean the pink ones?" " Those are the only ones." "Please put the napkins on the table." "I'm in panic." "I'm not ready to meet your family." " There's no reason to be nervous." "I have to go." "Can you give me your number?" "I'll go get my phone." "Who are you?" " I was just leaving." "Who the heck are you?" " What are you saying?" "Anders, what are you doing?" "Who is he?" " He's Simo." "Simo's dad Simo." "Freakin' cock sucker." "You know mouth-to-mouth resuscitation?" "Shit." "Howdy!" "Howdy!" "Listen." " I'm listening." "Eeva invited me to her son's birthday." "It's today." "You want to come with me?" "Why?" " Well..." "There's this guy, Anders, that I had a fling with." "I don't want to go there by myself." "You could act as if you were my boyfriend, - since you're an actor." "Oh darling, I'm a bit busy." "I still need to inspect a few places." " Bye." "How are you?" " I'm good!" "What's your name?" " Lasse." "Careful." "They can be aggressive when they wake up." "Lasse is my middle name." "Simo is my first name." "Eskelinen is my last name." "Simo Lasse Eskelinen." "I think you're okay." "I'm Veikko, Eeva's godfather." "Anders is my cousin." "Sorry." "I thought you were a thief, so I overreacted." "I have to go." " You need to take it easy." "You've just been unconscious." "I'm a doctor." "You're a veterinarian yourself, right?" "Yes." " Then you should know - that you now have a high risk of developing a blood clot." "That's true." "Hi!" " Hi!" "Come on in." "I've got a surprise." "This is Simo's dad Simo." "Welcome to the family." " Thanks." "I'm Maija, your mother-in-law candidate." " Great." "Masa, my son." "We've been waiting for this moment." "To see the baby's dad, you know." "It's been a long time." "I finally made it." "What part of the country did you come from?" "What are you looking for?" "Nothing." " Weren't you supposed to come tomorrow?" "Yes." "Where is Merja?" "They usually send a woman." "Merja is sick." "I'm substituting." "Today was the only day I could come." "I can hear well." "What's your name?" " Tommi." "Tommi Koivula." "Nice to meet you." "Could we start by doing the dishes?" " But of course." "Of course." " Let's turn the lights on." "The dish washing liquid is under the sink." "You can use the apron if you like." " I'm okay." "Where are you from, Tommi?" "I'm from the boonies, from Sysmä." "Hi, Mom!" "It's Pasi." "I came to see if you have something to eat." "Who is he?" " He's a home caregiver." "I thought it was tomorrow." "I go anytime they tell me to." "It doesn't bother you he's a man?" "Sometimes you need a man's touch." "Mom!" "Excuse me." " I'll do the dishes real quick." "Good." "Put the big plates on the right and the small ones next to them." "Forks and knives go on the rack." " Understood." "You want something to eat?" " No thank you." "I haven't seen my grandson in six months." "Grandma's little darling." "It's been such a long time." "I missed you so much." "You're so cute." "You think you can get out just like that?" "Sorry, I don't speak Swedish." "You've been away for a year." "Don't go anywhere." "I was thinking of going to the store." " Stop." "I wasn't going anywhere." " Exactly." "Goddammit." "I want to give Simo a gift and recite a little poem." "Simo, little one" "You were on my mind in Africa" "Even though I didn't know you existed" "I was afraid I was never going to see you" "And the sun shone more there than here" "That's when I realized" "That amidst camels and zebras" "Every day is new to a child" "When you look at the world through his eyes" "And the hot sun can shine in those eyes" "That's the reason this will soon be finished" "The heat on your head will be diminished" "This is it." "I told the boss I wasn't going to work in this heat." "Then I quit." "He was busting his butt when I left." " I'm done." "Fuck." "That isn't a Dillinger." "What a day." " No kidding." "What will I serve them?" "This was the only salty thing." "Hey, you got some dough left." "Yeah." " There's meat and a hot oven." "What are you thinking?" " I'll make something." "Really?" " Yeah, yeah." "I hope your pizza is better than the poem." "Go entertain the guests." "Don't let him get away." "You can do him if you like him so much." "The loan documents just need your signature, Mom." "Straight out of the oven from Bar Dillinger." " Let's eat." "Finally." "Done." "You can take the rug out." " I just vacuumed it." "Is there a conflict developing here?" " Absolutely not." "So you were in Africa?" " Yes." "Doing good." "Now that I have a chance to talk to a colleague, " "I'd like to know what kind of medicine you used there?" "Aspirin and ibuprofen." "Where did you go to school?" "In Turku." "Seven years ago." "Then we must have friends in common." "I'm sure you know Ville Toivanen." "I think he's choking." "There you go." "If the pizza hadn't come out, I would've saved you with this." "Two finger down from the Adam's apple." "A puncture into the bronchus with a pen." "I'm going outside to get some fresh air." "Veterinarians are not real doctors." "Hey!" "I think it's forbidden to dust rugs on the balcony." "Shut up, baby thief." "You're worse than me." "You pretend you care." "This is going exactly how I like it." "That's it!" "We'll get good money for it." "I'll get good money." " C'mon." "I'll take it to Rimpi." "Fucking clown." "I hope you take responsibility for your child. - 0f course." "Deal?" "I know guys like you." "I can see right through you." "Don't fuck with us or you'll regret it." "What's up, boys?" "Anders showed me security guard moves." " Nice." "Done." "Mom said she needs to take a bath - before we go to the bank." "Bathing day is tomorrow." "You said Merja is sick and can't come tomorrow." "She's not that sick." "She'll take care of it." "Is this what you call customer-based service?" "We pay this out of Mom's small pension." "And what do we get?" "A shitty attitude." "I'm sorry to hear that..." "I'm just a small part in a large organization." "I just go where they tell me." "You love your mom?" "I love mine." "And if she wants her hair washed, it damn sure will be washed." "If you can't do it, I'll call your boss - and ask her to send in someone more dynamic." "Oh, no." "Of course we'll take a bath." "Ma'am, let's start rolling towards the bathing facilities." "I'd like to see a little respect." "Done." " The front, too." "The front." " You're all clean." "Listen, boy." "Do what granny says." "Or I'll shout that you touched me." "Is everything clear?" "Yes." "Thank you." "Uh..." "My work is underpaid, - so I was thinking if you could give me more?" "What?" " I mean, I washed you everywhere." "I'm sure I did it better than anyone else." "I was wondering if I could get extra for it." "Pasi?" "Damn, I feel drowsy." "What?" " This young man acted inappropriately in the bathroom." "Inappropriately?" "Your mom wanted me to rub her..." "You're one crazy duo..." "How dare you?" "You take our money and grope my mom." "Apologize." "Fuck off." "Excuse me?" "Sorry." " Mom can't hear well." "Sorry, ma'am." "That's okay." " Get out." "Yeah yeah, I'm going." "Fuck..." "Shit..." "Yeah, yeah, homo!" "Mom, why don't we go to the bank." "Is Pena home?" "Just a sec." "I'll go get him." "Hello?" "Hello?" " This is Simo." "Hi." "Now I've got good stuff." " Bring it here." "I can't carry it all." "Come get it." "What's the address?" " I'm low on battery." "Käenkuja 29." "I'll start carrying stuff out." "What?" " Käenkuja 29." "Hello?" "Jaska." "Let's go." "Hi." " Hi." "This is what happens when you don't pay your fee. - 0h." "You can't be too understanding in this job." " Right." "That's the way it is." "You don't have to be afraid of them." "Look at Veikko." "He's the doctor who saved your life." "He saves pussies for a living." "He's a gynecologist." "He offered me a family discount, but I haven't used it." "There's Sakari." " Can I say something about him?" "He looks fresh and happy - because he's a drunk." "You think he looks fresh?" "I didn't have time to give him a breathalyser." "You think that's okay?" "And her?" " You mean my mother?" "Mom?" "She snoops around my place." "She sniffs me and - makes me say words that start with the letter H." "She wants to know if I've started drinking again." " Yeah?" "I hope I don't end up like her." "She's nice." " She's a hag." "May I say something about Anders?" "Sure." "I mean, he hit you." "I think he's in love with you." "What?" " Nowadays cousins are allowed to marry." "There's a saying about - first cousins being hotter than second cousins." " Are you jealous?" "Of course not." "Besides, I could never have feelings for him." "When I was a kid, I caught him with his pants down, - and the neighbor's dog was licking his..." " No way." "Was the dog called Joppe?" "No, it was called Hotdog." "I'm no better than him." "In case you haven't realized, " "I was a total drunk before Simo was born." "So in a way fucking you was the best thing that ever happened to me." "I know, my life is so great..." "What about you?" "Tell me about yourself." "Well..." "I'm just your average guy." "At least you're a master at making pizza." "Yeah, I like pizza." "I lived with many families as a kid." "They all liked pizza." "Every time we had a party, we just ate pizza." "That's the story." "Okay." "That chili thing..." "Sakari!" "Maybe you should go home." " I haven't caused trouble, have I?" "A great party and everything." "Sure you understand?" " Yeah." "It's okay." "Alright." "Shit." "Stop that right now." "No one will notice." "It's my apartment you're emptying." "What?" " You're holding my dear TV." "I guess I'll take it back." " I think you will." "What?" "That was expensive." " I'll pay for it." "You will." "Today." " I don't have that kind of money on me." "Do I look like an idiot?" "Of course you don't have that kind of money." "Take that stuff back." "Jaska will make sure you do." "Then come to the office." " Okay." "Jaska." "How about - if I come to the office a little later?" "I could get some money first." "Let's go to the party." " What?" "Let's go." "Quick." "Shut the door." "Hi." "Sorry we couldn't come earlier." "Hi." "I'm Antero." "Katja's boyfriend." "That was quick." " Love at first sight." "Take your shoes off." " No." "I'm still Eeva." "This is Anders." " Nice to meet you." "Antero is an actor." "This is Simo." "You two met already." "Hi, Simo." " Hi, Antero." "How come you're sweating so much?" "It's the hot weather." " Right." "Hi." " Maija." "Antero." "This bundle of joy is Simo Junior." "We were in the middle of taking a family photo, right?" "Let's get out of the way." "That's it." "I'm the kid's biological father." "He's not the father." "I am." "He's an actor." "This must be a performance." "That's right." "Hey, I'm a burglar." "I'll steal stuff." "I'm a secret agent." "I have a license to kill and love." "I'm a tree." "I'm a dog." "A dog." "No, I want to be..." "Don't you fuckin' get it?" "I'm the kid's father." "That's enough of this game." " This isn't a game." "I don't think Antero knows when to stop playing." "Antero, I want to talk to you." "What the hell are you doing?" "You don't belong here." "It's against the rules." "You don't belong here." "I have my own rules now." "Rule number 15:" "No "own" rules." "What do you know about Antero?" "Rule number 20:" "Don't trust women." "That was rule number 19." "So I should trust you?" "He's a porn star." " Yeah, right." "He is." " No way." "I'm sorry for trying to get us money fast." "Sorry for thinking about what's best for us." "I'm terribly sorry." "Simo the Swine." "You haven't changed a bit." "You still have the necklace?" "Anders was better in bed, though." " Right." "That's a fine piece of jewelry." " It's a family heirloom." "Shouldn't someone wear it on a day like this?" "You're right." "Eeva, put the necklace on." "A pretty girl like her doesn't need jewelry." "C'mon." "It would be great to see it in real life." "You can't ask them to do that." "I'll go get it." " See?" "I'll help you." "Are you okay?" " Yes." "Was it this necklace?" " Yeah." "Come visit some time, the three of you." "I'll bake raising buns." "Bye, everyone!" "Bye!" "Keep an eye on Antero." "He seems suspicious." "You got it?" " Roger." "I want to talk to you." " Sure." "Should we get going?" " What's the hurry?" "Yeah, you wanna come out?" "That's right." "You want to hold him?" "He said "Daddy."" "He doesn't talk yet." "He called me Daddy." " He didn't say anything." "Silly." "He did." "Okay." "Put him in bed, will you?" "Thank you." "For what?" " I don't know." "For staying." "I should tell you something." "Why don't we go to my place." "There's no hurry." "Stop nagging." "What kind of a man pushes women?" "What is it?" "You weren't in Africa?" "Where were you then?" "In prison?" "In rehab?" "In the Boy Scouts?" "I wasn't in Africa." "And..." "There is something else." " What?" "Don't use the toothbrushes." "They fell in the toilet." " Huh?" "You..." " Who are you?" "Who are you?" "Who the heck are you?" " Antero." "This is Antero." "I'm not who I said I was." " Who are you then?" "Lasse, let's get the fuck out of here." " Who's Lasse?" "Eeva!" "Be careful!" "They're con men!" "Eeva, Antero is Simo." "Who the heck is Simo?" "I'll explain." " Open the door!" "You're not..?" "Let me explain." " I haven't let in anyone from my old life." "I'm not from your old life." "Open the door!" "Come help me!" "Stop bullshitting and help me!" "What do you want?" " We wanted to steal your necklace." "You want my necklace?" " No." "You want it?" "Take it." " I don't want it." "Fuckin' take it!" " I don't want it anymore!" "Thanks!" "Looks like you wanted it." "Bye!" " I'll get it back." "Wait!" "Simo, wait!" " Fuck off." "We need to talk." "It'll be like the old days." "Huh?" "Simo, wait!" "You can keep the necklace." "It'll be just like the old days." "Huh?" "Stop!" "I don't care about the chick." " You serious?" "You did a great job." "Give me the necklace." "Give me the freakin' necklace!" "Fine, take it, for fuck's sake." "I'll take it back." "Go back in and tell them who you are." ""Hi, I'm Simo, Simo's dad." ""No, wait." "I'm Lasse." "A burglar and an asshole."" "I'll take it back." "The daydream is over." "You know that." "We have the necklace." "Everything's good." "We're still the dynamic duo." " No, we're not." "Jaska will rape me." " I don't give a fuck." "Take care." " You can't do this to me." "Jaska." "Hi." "We got a necklace." "We can pay the debt." "Lasse, show him." " What necklace?" "Lasse, stop playing." "Fuck!" "Lasse!" "This isn't a game anymore!" "You realize they'll kill me?" "Lasse!" "I have a necklace." "It'll cover..." " Move it!" "It'll cover Simo's debt." " Move it!" "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "Lasse." "Help me, Lasse." "I have the necklace." " What necklace?" "Here." "I'm sure it'll cover Simo's debt." "Whoa." "This looks real." "But it's not enough." "It's too bad you can still run off." "We have to slow you down." "Are you right-handed or left-handed?" " Left." "Good." "Drill his right knee." "I'll pay it!" "I'll pay it!" "Jaska, don't!" "Jaska, don't!" " I'll help him get the money." "I'll take care of everything." "This isn't fun anymore." "Jaska." "Jaska, what is it?" "Jaska!" "Jaska!" "Jaska!" "Quick!" " Jaska!" "What is it?" "Help me, for fuck's sake!" "Jaska!" "Jaska." "Jaska!" "I know what we have to do." " Then do it!" "What do we get?" " Anything!" "Erase Simo's debt and give the necklace back." " Hell no!" "30 000 is too much!" " Then Jaska will die." "Well..." "Okay." "Call an ambulance." " An ambulance?" "We need an ambulance!" "We have a person dying here." "Rimpi's Construction Services." "It worked!" "Jaska." "What have I told you about eating too fast?" "You shouldn't eat that fast." "You have to chew your food." "Give me the necklace." "Play "Twinkle, twinkle, little star."" " Get the fuck out!" "Jaska." "What a day." "At one point I thought we were in a tight spot, - but what happened?" "Simo handled it all." "We won." "You got pizza." "I got pussy." "We got a necklace that's worth at least 10 000." "My debt was forgiven." "This is a new beginning." "A new start." "I think this was it." "What?" "We'll be in Thailand soon." "The bars are waiting for us." "Bar Dillinger." "Have you even been to Thailand?" "No." "Now I'll have to go." "The cops are looking for me." "My face is in the paper." "And there's child support and stuff." "What if I take care of it?" " What?" "The child support." "Everything." "The whole shit." "Why would you do that?" " That's what dads do." "I'm tired of running." "I'll take the necklace to Eeva, and we'll see what happens." "Do what you like." "I like running." "Will you be okay?" "Of course I will." "I'm Simo." "Come visit me in Thailand." " At Bar Dillinger." "Exactly." "Hey, faggots." "Your cars are shitty." "I let them go." "Shit!" "What's going on?" "Anders, let go!" "I was just kidding." "Give me the key." "I don't have it." "Who are you?" "I'm Lasse." "Hi, Lasse." "Hi, Eeva." "SIMO TIMES THREE" "Translated by Aretta Vähälä Proofread by Rich Lyons"