"Captioning made possible by lions gate entertainment." "Oh, fuck!" "Oh, shit!" "Ow!" "Ow!" "Ow!" "Ow!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "Ooh!" "Ooh." "Jesus." "Ooh!" "Ooh!" "Uh." "Oh, jeez." "Crowd:" "Ugh!" "Woman:" "It hurts!" "Ok." "Man, voice-over:" "I don't suppose anyone remembers the first moment they open their eyes." "Push." "I sure don't." "But for my little brother ed, I imagine this is what the world looked like." "Doctor:" "Ho ho ho!" "Little man." "Man, voice-over:" "Because this is how he'd see things..." "All through childhood, adolescence, and into adulthood." "You see, ever since he was strong enough to lift a video camera, he's had one pressed to his face." "He didn't mind what he was videoing as long as he was videoing." "Ed." "Hey." "I don't think we really need to record Mr. Fiddlesticks eating his own poop for posterity." "Man, voice-over:" "Ok." "He did get some funny stuff, I'll admit, but he didn't live life." "He viewed it, then edited the best bits and archived them." "I mean, he was barely aware of monumental world events, but he could tell you the exact date cousin Stevie gave up karate." "Uh!" "Sure, the guy was a nerd, but he was my brother, and I loved him because he was always there to capture my many outstanding stage performances." "O you the doors of breath sealed with a righteous kiss." "Boy:" "Way to go, buddy!" "That's it!" "Man, voice-over:" "And I hoped he'd give it up when he went to college." "Instead, he found a whole new world of film." "Hey, ed." "Man, voice-over:" "But he never made really good use of his camera." "Unlike his roommate Jack..." "Oh, Jack!" "Oh!" "Jack, you're so big." "Oh, so hot." "Jack:" "Mmm." "Man, voice-over:" "He even had the damn thing pressed to his face when he met his girlfriend Cathy." "Oh, shit." "Aah!" "Uh!" "Jesus." "I think I hit a retarded man." "Man, voice-over:" "Sometimes I think she was right." "After graduation, they moved in together, and ed got a job in advertising." "According to his boss, he was a natural." "Ed..." "You are a natural, my son." "You've won another award." "Now, you keep this up, and I'll see what I can do about getting you a corner office." "Thank you, Frank." "Good boy." "A 5-buck tip?" "5 bucks?" "That's it?" "Was there something wrong with your sandwich, sir?" "Was the coffee cold?" "No." "The sandwich and the coffee were fine, but I ordered a cheeseburger and an iced tea." "I'm sorry, man." "You need another 5?" "Here's 10." "Hey, thanks a lot." "Hey, what are brothers for?" "Hey, I'm gonna get you back real soon." "I promise, man." "My agent says I am so close to my first big break." "She said you were so close 21/2 years ago." "Yeah, well, that was 21/2 years ago." "I have an audition for a Japanese whiskey commercial tomorrow." "Do you believe it?" "Cooper, you're in your mid-20s." "You've been doing this acting thing for what... 6 years now?" "Yeah, give or take." "I think it's time you moved on, thought about the future, become an adult, like I have." "Cooper, voice-over:" "Did I mention he'd become a tiny bit condescending?" "Hey, Cathy, I picked up your stuff from the cleaners." "Cathy?" "Cathy?" "Pumpkin." "Ed." "Jack, hi." "Hey." "Are you ill?" "Uh..." "Where's Cathy?" "Cathy, what's going on?" "Say something." "Ed, I don't think we should see each other anymore." "What?" "No." "Why?" "No." "What are you talking about?" "I mean, this is fine." "I mean, we can work it out, right?" "I mean, a lot of people..." "Jack, can I have a moment with her?" "Jack:" "Oh, yeah." "Sorry, man." "A lot of people..." "Have..." "Affairs, you know?" "It doesn't mean they got to break up, right?" "Cooper, voice-over:" "There are some things" "I'll just never understand about ed." "He could forgive Cathy for blowing Jack..." "But then totally lost it when he saw she was filming it." "I helped him throw out every camera and his entire obsessive-compulsive archive, and rather than going on a mission to fuck as many of Cathy's friends as possible, ed just moved out and swore he'd never touch a video camera again." "In an instant, ed had gotten rid of Cathy and home video, and I can't say I was sorry to see either of them go." "I thought he'd finally start exploring life, having fun, getting pussy." "But he got even more bottled up than before." "Ed, voice-over:" "Yeah, well, my brother Cooper didn't know is that I was living a nightmare." "Dude, she is going crazy." "I shit you not." "She's digging her nails in." "She's screaming." "She's moaning." "She's like, "oh, do me." "Do me." "I feel like a whore."" "Ed, voice-over:" "At random moments, scenes from my archives kept coming back into my head." "Stop!" "Stop!" "Stop!" "She's like, "uh, uh, uh, uh!"" "I'm like, "get off of it."" "It's like dust coming out." "Ed, voice-over:" "Or at the doctor's." "Doctor:" "Mr. Waxman, you may feel a little discomfort." "Just try to relax." "Ed, voice-over:" "Even worse, it affected me at work." "Mr. Mcintyre, I must say that we here at Barnes, butcher, leaver, malcher, farquar, hidago, and roper are one lucky advertising agency to have a client as enlightened as yourself." "And I'm not just saying that." "Oh, thank you." "It is nothing but elegant and classy." "That was you." "Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you your new ad campaign, which rolls out nationwide next week." "Ed, if you'll do the honors." ""When I die, I'm leaving" ""my coat to her." "Real fur." "It's fur real."" "Yeah!" "Whoa, yeah!" "There it is." "That's what I'm talking about." "Whoo!" "That's right!" "Yeah!" "What a bunch of assholes." "Do you really think this is gonna get people to start wearing fur again?" "My question falls into the "who gives a fuck?" Category." "Mcintyre wanted that slogan, and it's his damn money, you know what I'm saying?" "We're here to help people sell their product, not just agree with whatever they say." "It's called keeping the client happy." "I know this is a new concept for you." "Remind me, how many have you lost now?" "4?" "Or is it 5?" "A big agency like bblmfhr can handle a couple of lost clients." "Hey, what's going on?" "Great bridge insurance is withdrawing its account from us." "Oh, shit." "I guess you heard the news, huh?" "Nervous?" "I have nothing to be nervous about." "I just stopped by to bring you this." "You know, just a little something to say thanks for your help on the mcintyre account." "Wow." "Uh, thank you." "It's great." "I didn't mean the whole, um... there's nothing in it." "Oh, the box." "That's the gift." "I thought you might need something to clear your desk into on Monday." "You're not my boss." "You can't fire me." "Ed, can I, uh, see you in my office?" "Ed, when I first hired you, you were like a dynamo." "You had an unusual way of looking at life, and I liked that." "But after your intended did the dirty on you, things have gotten..." "I never let that affect my work, Frank." "Well, let's see, shall we?" "Skechers shoes..." ""perfect for kicking a man when he's down."" "Kahn's antiseptic..." ""not so good for when" ""she's ripped your heart out of your chest and thrown it in the trash."" "Yeah, but they're not all like that." "Here." "Look." "Pacific rim telephone, only 3 cents a minute." "Only 3 cents a minute." ""The least she could do is return his calls." ""He only wanted to make sure she was ok." ""We can still make it work." "Just call for 3 cents a minute."" "So, what are you saying?" "You're fired." "Aah!" "Ok." "What if I make great bridge stay?" "What if I come up with a campaign that'll win them back?" "We have had the whole creative department on this for 6 months." "You think you can turn it around by Monday?" "Monday?" "Yeah." "Yeah." "I'm gonna make them stay." "I'm gonna come up with a campaign." "If you do that, you can not only keep your job, you can have this office." "I'm not gonna let you down." "Man:" "Where are you putting this?" "Different man:" "Roger's office." "Hey." "Hey, hey, put it down." "Put it down." "I'm on the payroll." "They took my coat." "Oh, ho ho." "Ooh." "Hey." "It's, uh, dead animals in the shaft." "What animals?" "Uh, rats or mice, cats." "Cats." "Ahem." "The cats go in after the mice and rats, and then they get stuck, and they starve and die." "Then they decompose, and the rotting flesh releases the offending odor that you're smelling now." "I see." "Try breathing through your mouth." ""Try breathing through your mouth"?" "Could this day suck any more?" "Happy Birthday!" "Oh." "Oh, shit!" "What are you doing?" "It's your birthday." "I wanted to surprise you, huh?" "What, by blinding me?" "Oh, come on." "That's what big brothers are for." "Sit down." "Now come on." "I got some presents for you." "We're all set." "Open it up." "Open it up." "It's the bottle of Glen kyoto." "That's..." "Hey, you know it." "Look at this." "Wow." "That's a Glen kyoto t-shirt." "Oh, and this great piece of artwork." "Wow." "That's a Glen kyoto ashtray." "Of course." "That's uncanny because just today I was thinking about taking up smoking, so..." "Call that brotherly intuition." "Thank you, buddy." "Oh, don't thank me." "Thank the number-one- selling Japanese rice whiskey in the world." "Puts a roof over our head and tastes delicious, right?" "Oh, hey, this came for you." "Oh, yeah." "Fan mail." "Oh, my God." "Wouldn't you like to have that wrapped around your cock, huh?" "Oh." "Dirty, dirty." "But I'd do her." "Would you do her?" "You'd definitely do her." "Come on." "Oh!" "Oh." "Fat man in little panties." "Oh, that one's worse." "Oh, hey, I nearly forgot." "I got you one more present." "¶ Ba ba da ba ¶ well, what do you think?" "Huh?" "Come on." "This thing is the very latest." "I swear to God, man." "You could shoot a cum shot from a mile away with this thing." "What's the matter?" "You don't like it?" "You know my promise..." "I will never film another inch of home video footage again." "Ed, it's been over a year since Cathy dumped you." "She didn't dump me." "It was mutual." "Oh!" "Uh!" "Shit!" "Ed, you love home video, man." "I mean, don't you think it's time you got over her and that stupid little promise?" "Hey, ed, come on, man." "This thing's perfect." "I got work to do." "Come on, man." "I tell you what." "Cathy and Jack would be happy to have a camera like this." "Cooper:" "Wait a minute." "Ed." "Hey, ed." "Ed, wait a minute, man." "You got to go out." "It's your birthday." "I'm gonna have to take a rain check on that." "But it's your birthday." "You got to go out." "It's the law." "I have to work, or I'm toast." "Cooper:" "We'll go to gonegan's." "We'll have a quiet drink between two brothers." "What do you say?" "No." "I can't." "Hey, you're not gonna achieve anything staring at these 4 walls." "Art imitates life, right?" "And you need a life." "Come on." "Ha ha." "That-a boy." "Come on." "This will be fun." "You never told me." "How was that audition?" "I didn't get a call-back." "No way!" "Did they give you a reason?" "I didn't technically make it to the audition." "Got a little sidetracked, if you know what I mean." "Oh, jeez." "Isn't gonegan's to the right?" "Oh, yeah." "Just got to quickly pick up a couple of friends." "I thought this was just gonna be the two of us." "It is." "The two of us and a couple of girls." "I can't believe you." "What?" "Come on." "You'll love these girls." "They're total sweeties." "And susie is definitely your type." "Coopie." "Hi, Jo." "Uh, susie, this is my brother ed." "Hello." "Hi." "Um, I got to go finish my makeup." "Coopie, will you come with me?" "It's his birthday." "Uh, should we open this?" "Don't bother." "We already got one open." "There you go." "Thank you." "It's delicious." "Jo:" "Oh, I'm a whore." "Yeah." "Ahem." "Uh..." "Jo:" "Spank me." "Spank me, daddy." "Cooper:" "Oh!" "Oh, yeah." "So, what do you do?" "I'm a nurse." "Wow." "That's a tough job." "So few people are really making a difference in the world, and look at you." "You're out there curing illnesses and healing injuries and saving lives." "I work in an abortion clinic." "Oh!" "Right." "So..." "Whoo." "So, susie, was ed here telling you that he's an award-winning advertising executive supremo?" "The kid's a dynamo." "Hmm?" "Oops." "Oh." "Who's hungry?" "Cooper:" "And so ed runs 8 Miles... and I'm not talking your average" ""over the river and through the woods" here, ladies." "Oh, no." "I'm talking the most treacherous terrain you can possibly imagine." "I'm talking jumping over snake pits." "I'm talking about this man was chased by wolves, just to find somebody with a phone to then call the airborne forest rangers, who arrived just in the Nick of time to save the entire boy scout troop." "Had it not been for my brother's great determination and sheer heroism, they may have all died." "You're a genuine hero." "Is all that true?" "Cooper may be exaggerating a bit." "The bus actually drove off the road to avoid hitting me." "But he did run 8 Miles." "I mean, can you imagine?" "Yeah, that's true." "In the wrong direction." "They were found by a passing hiker, and then he called out the forest rangers, and then they came in helicopters, actually, and found me." "Now, the point here is, ladies, that everyone was saved." "Ed:" "Yes." "There you go." "Except the guy who lost his legs." "There was a guy who lost his legs." "Cooper:" "Food!" "Outstanding." "Ladies, let's get it on here, huh?" "The night is young." "Drink it up and enjoy." "All right, susie, let's go." "You know the game." "Strip coasters." "Let's do it." "The top comes off." "Ok." "Got it." "Good catch." "Lucky you." "Thank you, thank you." "Ok, your turn." "Cooper:" "All right, Eddie." "You're up." "Come on, now, buddy." "Show her you're an athlete." "He shoots." "He scores!" "Huh?" "Excellent shot." "Did you see that?" "Ahem." "Would you excuse me for a moment?" "Where's the men's room?" "Cooper:" "It's in the back there." "Ahem." "Right or left?" "Just follow your nose." "Good luck." "Oh, no." "Ohh." "Oh." "Oh, it burns." "No." "I can't wipe with that." "Oh, hey, hey, brother." "Hey, listen, do you mind if you take susie home?" "Where are you going?" "Jo's not feeling well." "What's wrong with her?" "You know, I'm not sure, but I better take her home and take her temperature... vaginally, with my flesh thermometer." "Susie's totally into you, by the way." "Hey, man." "Look alive." "Have some fun." "Ladies!" "Jo, what do you say we get the fuck out of here, huh?" "Jo:" "I am ready for dessert." "Oh, yeah, and spanking's on the menu." "Can I walk you home?" "Sure, but I don't want you to get the wrong idea." "I'm not that kind of girl." "Don't you think there's something just so sexy about the city at night?" "There's something about knowing that thousands of people all around us are doing it." "Old people, married folks, adulterers, teenagers, virgins losing it for the first time, all enjoying the intimate knowledge of each other's hot bodies." "Shh." "If you're really quiet, you can almost hear the rhythmic sound of all that sex going on." "Makes you think, doesn't it?" "Yeah." "Well, it was really nice to meet you." "Um, good luck with everything." "Loser." "What are you doing here?" "I live here." "Where should I be?" "6 inches inside susie." "She was my final birthday present to you." "What?" "A birthday present from me to you." "A girl that doesn't know how to say no." "She specifically told me she wasn't interested." "All women say that." "It's just a hoop they make you jump through." "Oh, man." "I cannot believe you didn't do her." "You know, she's fucked everyone." "If you don't get some action soon, you could die of dsb." "Dsb?" "Dangerous sperm buildup." "You think I haven't been trying?" "I mean, I keep striking out." "I'm crap with women." "Cooper:" "Then let me help you." "I'm serious." "Let me help you." "Let me help you." "I have to work." "I can work around your work." "I'm spending this weekend at the office." "Come on." "I can be your doctor of love." "I can be your feelgood Professor." "You're not listening." "I will be your pallbearer of pussy." "I can be your psychiatrist of snatch, give you the Bible of Booty, buddy." "It'll be fantastic." "You can't stop me." "You know that." "And I'll help you." "I'll show you." "It's a deal." "I know it is." "You want to make this deal." "You need this." "Stop!" "Fine, but this cannot interfere with my work." "All right." "It's a deal." "Ho ho ho!" "You're gonna get laid this weekend, buddy." "What are you doing?" "Coop, what are you doing?" "When William the conqueror landed on the English shores in 1066, he had his invading army destroy their own boats." "He wanted them to know that there was no going back." "They were either going to conquer england, or they were gonna die trying." "What's your point?" "Ed, we're throwing away your porn." "I don't have any porn." "What makes you think I have porn?" "All right, I got a magazine lying around somewhere, maybe." "I mean, fine." "We can throw that away." "Ok." "Ok." "Well, at least this explains why we spent 4,000 a month on tissues." "Oh, check it out." "First targets of the day." "Now be cool." "Hey, ladies." "What are two beautiful women like you doing in a dump like this, huh?" "Ed:" "We're throwing out the trash." "Well, I don't suppose any of that turns you ladies on." "Rug munchers." "I'll catch you later." "Cooper:" "Oh, hey, wait a minute, man." "I thought we had a deal." "Yes, and the deal was, it has to fit around my schedule." "Hey, and I completely stand by that, but it is Saturday morning, the perfect time to pick up women, man." "I mean, their defenses are down, and I know a place where the women are especially vulnerable to our licentious advances." "Cooper:" "And voila..." "attractive single mothers on a beautiful Saturday morning, huh?" "Are you kidding?" "As if single mothers don't have enough crap to deal with, they got to be used and abused by you?" "Hey, us." "Look, single mothers are at their sexual peak." "They don't have a man in their lives, and they can't find one, because they're too busy looking after their little ankle-biter." "We're doing them a favor." "Oh, there's one." "Look." "She's hot, she's ripe, and not a boyfriend in sight." "Go on." "Go, go, go, go." "Go." "Ahem." "Woman:" "Don't be nervous, though, ok?" "If you have any questions, just say so." "Hi." "Hello there." "Do you like riding?" "It's quite impressive." "What a beast, huh?" "When I was a little boy," "I used to dream of having one like that." "What is it, too big?" "Because personally, I think the bigger, the better." "You know, it's fine as long as you do some stretching beforehand." "You look like you could handle that." "You sick bastard." "What?" "I'm just... no." "No." "I wouldn't..." "Don't... don't... this man is a pervert!" "Those fat bastards will never get us!" "Yeah, right." "Go in." "I'm gonna have a heart attack." "Hoo hoo hoo!" "Oh, that was fun, huh, buddy?" "I don't know why we had to run away." "I mean, we could have just simply explained it." "Hey, you don't simply explain to cops, ok?" "Especially when you're accused of an alleged sex crime involving a horse cock and a pretty little girl in powder blue." "Running away doesn't make us look any more innocent." "Let's go." "It's 12:00." "I haven't even thought about work, all right?" "I'm gonna see you at the... oh, no." "What?" "What the fuck?" "That's Simone, the supermodel." "Her obituary was in the paper." "Now, why would God take the life of one so hot when there are already so many ugly people littering this planet?" "Ok, come on." "Let's go." "Aw, it's a damn shame, ed." "Holy steaming vagina kettle." "Ed, you can't leave now." "We have hot women, depressed and in mourning." "This is a once- in-a-lifetime opportunity for you, buddy." "This is a church, and that's a funeral." "Is nothing sacred to you?" "Ed." "Besides, we're completely inappropriately dressed." "We're going to hell." "An eternity of red-hot pokers up the ass." "It's definitely worth the risk." "Will you look at all the ass in here?" "Oh, come here, child." "Let the church comfort you." "Mmm." "Oh." "Excuse me." "Were you close to the deceased?" "I was her lover." "Oh." "You drink from furry cup?" "Do you like men, too?" "Haven't you taken a vow of celibacy?" "Oh, well, it's more of a guideline than a vow." "Oh, excuse me." "Maybe I'll baptize you later." "Priest:" "We are here..." "Today as a..." "I'd like to..." "My voice." "Would you mind?" "I don't think... oh, we'd be delighted, father." "We can't do this." "Hey, I am an actor." "This is what I do." "They'll never know the difference." "Shalom, and welcome to our church on this sad day, a day to celebrate the life of Simone." "Anyone who knew Simone knew that she was a beautiful woman, and I'm not just talking about in magazines or on the Internet." "She was beautiful on the inside, too." "I mean, her bone structure was out of this world." "But what lessons can we now take away from Simone's short life?" "To follow your dreams and to make each and every moment count as if it was your last, just as she did." "And what, also, can we learn from her death?" "If you're gonna mix methamphetamines and Kentucky bourbon, then don't drive the wrong way up an off ramp into an oncoming 18-Wheeler." "¶ Hominus vacuum indigenous scrotum ¶" "¶ amen ¶" "And a brief announcement before we depart." "I will be giving and receiving one-on-one grief counseling in the sacristy directly following the procession." "Please stand." "And let us go in peace to love and to serve the lord." "Coop, my wallet." "It's in the casket." "We can't do anything about it now." "Yeah, but... hey, don't worry." "We'll go to the cemetery after the burial when everyone's gone." "We'll ask them to open it up, ok?" "Great plan." "I'm going to work, where I should have been all day." "It's 5 P.M., and I've got nothing done." "Nothing?" "You've been meeting women." "I don't care about that." "In fact, I was pretty comfortable in those priest's clothes." "I just..." "I just want to save my career." "You know, maybe you'd do a little bit better at your job if you just loosened up and got laid." "Ok, I'm going to the office, and I'm gonna work all night, and I'd appreciate it if you'd just let me have that time to myself." "Sure." "Hey, whatever you need, bud." "Whatever makes you happy." "It is your birthday weekend." "Ok." "Hey, buddy." "Hey, I was thinking." "What if I brought some girls to the office?" "Can you not get it through your thick skull?" "I don't care about getting laid." "Why?" "Are you gay?" "You've never had a serious relationship, so you wouldn't understand, but me and Cathy... what we had was something special." "It was about so much more than sex." "It was about a closeness." "It was about a warmth that we felt for each other." "I mean, there was nothing" "I wouldn't do for her, and there was nothing she wouldn't do for me because we cared about each other." "Ed, she videotaped herself fucking your best friend." "Give me a break, man." "It's over." "No." "Who knows?" "She could be out there somewhere right now, thinking about me." "I doubt it, ed." "Ed:" "Why?" "Is it because I'm so repulsive?" "Am I so repugnant that no one wants to be with me?" "No." "No, it's not that." "It's just..." "Now, it looks like she's spoken for." "I'm sorry, bud." "Are you ok?" "Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa!" "Ed!" "Wait a minute." "Let's act like adults about this." "Take it easy." "Let's go and sit down." "I just..." "I just really thought we were gonna get back together." "You know, I thought she was the one." "That's where you're going wrong, ed." "I mean, you can't think about meeting the one." "You need to start thinking about meeting the ones." "Meeting women is a numbers game." "You think I get laid a lot, and I do, but I only sleep with a tiny percentage of the women" "I actually talk to." "I mean, I'll talk to 30 women in a night, and if one fucks me, I'm doing well." "You... you talk to two women in a month, and if neither fucks you, you scamper back into your little shell and feel sorry for yourself." "Tell me how it works." "I mean, make it work for me." "You were right." "Getting me laid... that's the only way I'm gonna get over this." "What about your job?" "I will work tomorrow all day, but tonight, I just really need to have sex." "Will you help me?" "Man:" "Yeah!" "Go, girl!" "Woman: ¶ come on, you beautiful thing... ¶" "I don't know if this is such a good idea." "Are you crazy, dude?" "This is a perfect idea." "Look at all the hot chicks, man." "And listen, I'm gonna keep bringing girls around here till you find one you like, ok?" "Then tickle tickle, pinch pinch." "You know what I'm talking about?" "So just sit back, relax, and have a little fun." "Cooper:" "Hey!" "Oh, my God." "I never wanted to be a gun more in my life." "Yeah!" "I don't know if I really feel that comfortable glorifying war." "Aw." "Damn." "Thank you." "Takes you back, doesn't it?" "Oh, man." "Cooper:" "Oh, yeah." "It is graduation day, brother." "Jesus Christ!" "Holy shit, woman." "Haven't you ever heard of waxing?" "Ha ha ha!" "Cooper:" "Oh, yes." "It's Uncle Sam's daughter." "Outstanding." "Oh, my God, ed." "Look at those tits." "Oh." "God bless America, man." "I don't know if I'm feeling all that patriotic." "You're fucking crazy, man." "Here." "Pay the woman." "No, honey." "You tuck it in the top." "Ow!" "What?" "What?" "Oh, real cool, fellas." "Come on." "You know she's got more to worry about than paper cuts down there, you know what I'm saying?" "Hey, this doesn't happen in Japan, my friend." "It really doesn't." "Thoroughly angry." "Hey, ed, did you see the reaction you got out of that woman?" "It was phenomenal." "That was a great start, buddy." "Cooper, that in there?" "That's not what I'm looking for, ok?" "Have you heard the expression give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day, but teach a man to fish, and he'll eat forever?" "You want to learn how to fish?" "No." "I want to learn how to pick up a woman legitimately." "I don't want to have to pay someone to sleep with me." "I know, buddy." "I know." "I'll teach you how." "I'll teach you how to pick up women." "Come on." "I'm your bro." "You can count on me." "But you got tonight." "Tonight only." "Well, not laid tonight only, but I want you to teach me." "Tonight is your night." "I mean, it's your birthday weekend." "Get it going." "I'm the student." "You're the sensei." "I will show you the path to vagina enlightenment." "Excuse me." "You're putting all your whites in with your colors." "Is that bad?" "Well, it is if you don't want all your whites coming out pink." "Oh, really?" "I'm such a moron." "I can build a school for orphans in Somalia, but I can't do my own laundry." "You were in Somalia?" "I would love to talk to you about that." "Here." "Let me help you." "Yeah." "And that is why aids is a clear example of God punishing the blacks and the gays." "Tell me, do you... oh, don't even get me started on the Jews." "That's me done." "Got to go." "Well, don't you want to get a drink or something?" "I'd love to." "Quick." "Ed." "I don't see how the gym is gonna be any better than the laundromat." "Well..." "You've got tumble dryers on low or big, sweaty, bouncing tits in a leotard." "Oh, my God, look at her." "I bet she uses kama sutra as a cool-down." "All right." "You're up, iron man." "Go get her." "Come on." "On the treadmill." "Go, go, go." "Uh!" "Aah!" "Hey, tough break, bro." "But you know what?" "No worries." "You know what women love more than anything?" "Men with babies." "We're gonna get a baby." "Let's skip the babies." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Good idea." "I don't know anything about babies anyway." "Come on." "I got a better idea." "Watch it." "I tore my sac." "Cooper:" "Listen." "Beggars can't be choosers, buddy, and stay positive, ed." "We're doing great here, man." "I'm not sure about this." "Check her out." "Look at how she's working that olive." "Ohh." "It's fantastic." "You want to get laid, don't you?" "Not that badly." "Oh!" "Dude, dude." "Here." "Here's your chance." "Here's your chance." "Go." "What?" "What?" "Go." "Light her cigarette." "Go." "Be suave." "Can I offer you a light?" "A gentleman." "You're a rare breed." "Sorry." "Are you a scotch drinker?" "I'll bet you are." "Ooh!" "Ooh!" "So, uh, you ever been to Japan, okinawa?" "Put it out, put it out!" "It's beautiful there." "It's a lot like this." "You could wear that." "Maybe Tahiti, something like that?" "Are you ticklish?" "Put it out!" "Put it out!" "Good as new." "Good as new." "Can I buy you another drink?" "Unh!" "That's it." "I'm done." "I'm done." "I scraped the bottom of the barrel, and the bottom of the barrel rejected me." "All right." "It's time for a stiff drink." "Go home, get a good night's sleep, wake up in the morning, and work like a dog." "Hey." "Thanks, Randy." "Appreciate that." "Keep them coming, will you?" "Uh, vodka tonic." "Man: ¶ clambering men in big bad boots ¶" "¶ dug up my den, dug up my roots... ¶ thanks." "¶ Treated us like plasticine town ¶" "¶ they built us up and knocked us down... ¶ that guy at the end of the bar." "Thanks." "¶ From meccano to legoland ¶" "¶ here they come with a brick in their hand ¶" "¶ men with heads filled up with sand ¶" "¶ it's build... ¶ can I buy you a drink?" "No, thanks." "¶ Ba ba, build... ¶" "I'm kidding." "I'll have a Cosmopolitan." "And a Cosmopolitan for the lady." "So..." "What brings you here?" "My brother's, uh, gone." "Nice." "Uh, you..." "what brings you here?" "My date." "Mm." "But it looks like he stood me up." "Oh, he's an idiot if he has." "Thanks." "Hey." "Here's to bad dates." "You had some?" "Some?" "I've had them all." "Dating should be outlawed." "Amen." "They should just bring back arranged marriages." "Couldn't raise the divorce rate much higher than it already is." "If women didn't have to bother trying to find, meet, and attract men, it would free up, what, 50 hours a week?" "Easily." "And imagine what you women could achieve with that kind of extra time." "Are you kidding?" "There'd be a bloomingdale's on Mars." "¶ A house where we can stay ¶" "¶ ba ba ba ba, build... ¶ to being friends and nothing more." "Ditto." "¶ A road for us to cross ¶" "¶ ba ba ba ba, build ¶ man:" "You can back right off!" "Different man:" "I'm not backing off." "Dig this!" "You live here?" "Temporarily." "My apartment is being repainted." "I hope your apartment's done soon." "Damn it." "I'm out of coffee, ed." "Oh." "Well, that's ok." "Coffee would keep me up all night." "Will this..." "Keep you up all night?" "Man: ¶ all I need is your love ¶" "¶ all I need is your love ¶" "¶ all, all, all right ¶" "¶ I don't want no real fine car ¶" "¶ I got a little honey that will take me far ¶" "¶ I don't want no riches and fame ¶ police!" "I'm arresting you for soliciting." "Wha... are you crazy?" "She's not a prostitute." "Wait outside for 10..." "3 minutes, and maybe we can work something out." "There's been some sort of misunderstanding." "I'm not supposed to be in here." "You tell him." "Me, too!" "It's... it's a miscarriage of justice." "They said I was drunk." "If I was drunk, my breath would smell of booze." "How does my breath smell?" "Haa." "I'm here to bail out my brother, uh, ed waxman." "Fill in these forms." "You got a pretty mouth." "Shit, Cooper." "Please hurry." "Well, you know in Japan," "I'm like Brad pitt." "Seriously." "You smell nice." "Mm-hmm." "Hey." "You like Sushi?" "I bet you fuck like a bunny." "Heh heh." "Keep those cuffs when you're off duty?" "Faraday, don't you have some crimes to solve?" "Sorry, sir." "Brad pitt, you done with those forms yet?" "There you go, my good sir." "Now why don't you go be a peach and get my brother out of there, huh?" "I'll be outside." "Mm." "Man:" "Is there an ed waxman here?" "Your ball's been posted." "I'm ed waxman." "Did you come in with any I.D.?" "No." "I lost my wallet." "Really?" "I can assure you I'm ed waxman." "Just let me out of here." "Oh, stop." "I am ed waxman." "That's bullshit." "That's bullshit." "Can you prove it?" "Of course he can't prove it." "He's not ed waxman." "I prefer Edward actually, and, uh, here's the proof." "Out you come." "Stand back from the door." "He's wearing my shirt." "I had it on." "I wear an undershirt all the time, and I don't have one on right now." "That's my shirt." "That's the shirt I wiped my ass with!" "I had Mexican food!" "Here's your brother." "Where?" "There." "That's not my brother." "Well, he was positively I.D.Ed." "Well, you released the wrong guy." "Now, go inside and get my brother." "Well, there's nothing more I can do." "I guess you have to come back in the morning and sort it out with the lieutenant." "Night-night." "Where are we going?" "Where are you taking me?" "I'm taking you to an overnight cell." "Come here, bitch!" "I can't..." "I can't... man:" "Hey, cocksucker!" "Spend the night in here." "Sweet meat!" "Well, it ain't the holiday inn." "No." "It's, um..." "that's great." "Thanks." "What is this guy?" "Some jerk got caught with a pro." "Feel sorry for him." "I know you from somewhere." "No." "I don't think so." "No." "You're the pervert!" "What?" "You were at the park this morning." "Propositioned a woman." "Apparently gets turned on by horse erections." "When I approached the suspect, he ran." "Did you do that?" "Well, I ran away, but it wasn't because of the... all right!" "I've heard enough." "No, no." "Pervert." "I'm not a pervert!" "Come on." "I'm not a pervert!" "Hello." "What are you in here for?" "I had a misunderstanding with a prostitute." "I didn't even..." "you know, it was... what are you in for?" "Biggest black market Viagra dealer in America." "Oh." "But their case doesn't stand a chance." "I managed to swallow most of my stash before they could impound it." "You look nervous." "You nervous?" "No." "There's no reason we can't be friends." "You look like a reasonable individual, so there's no reason because we just got to respect each other's space, the personal boundaries, the... the space, the boundaries, the personal boundaries." "Cooper!" "Cooper!" "Cooper!" "Guard:" "Ok, waxman." "You're being released." "The tray saved your ass this time, huh?" "Work, got to go to work." "Oh, Jesus, man." "You're in no shape to go to the office." "Come on." "Oh, no." "You're gonna come with me on a little car ride, ok?" "Come on." "Watch your dome there." "Oh." "Ed, watch your head." "Come on." "Get in there." "Get in there." "There you go, buddy." "Hold on to that." "Cooper:" "So, uh, how'd you get arrested in the first place?" "I still don't understand it." "I met a nice girl." "She invites me back to her place, and it turns out she's a prostitute." "Well, did she ask you for money?" "No." "That's the weird part is I thought you got the financial bit out of the way first." "Yeah, yeah." "Yeah." "That's the way I've always done it." "Do you know what this means?" "What?" "She was off duty." "She must have really liked you, and, ed, a prostitute that's willing to give it away for free is worth at least two normal girls." "Really?" "Hell, yeah, man." "You are a stud, my friend, a total stud." "And that Kim, God, was she nectar, huh?" "She was hot." "Oh, she was." "She really was." "I mean, you should have seen it." "How'd you know her name?" "You told me." "No, I didn't." "So how did you know her name was Kim?" "Well, she looked like a Kim." "I mean, she had very kimesque features." "You paid her, didn't you?" "You... you paid her in advance." "That's why she didn't ask for the money." "No, I didn't." "Hey, ed, that's ludicrous." "I was only trying to build your self-esteem." "Am I so pathetic that a woman's not gonna sleep with me without financial incentive?" "Ed, come on." "That's not what I meant." "Listen." "You and I both know." "That someday we are gonna look at this as brothers and laugh about it." "You sickbag!" "Do you have any idea what I've been through?" "I was just trying to help." "Help?" "Help?" "You helped me get a criminal record when all I wanted to do was go to the office and save my career." "And now that's gone, too!" "I should have never listened to you." "Why... ooh!" "Ed, I think we need to take a little breath here." "I mean, it's just a job." "At least I've had a job in my lifetime, Coop." "You've accomplished nothing." "Nothing?" "Ed, in Japan, this is the eighth most recognized Western face." "And one day, they're gonna replace that face, and you'll have nothing, and you'll be nothing because you've tried nothing." "Hey." "Well, fuck you!" "Unh!" "Cooper:" "Oh, shit." "I'm sorry, ed." "Fuck." "Just leave me alone." "Hey, ed, what are you doing?" "Going home." "I really think somebody should take a look at that cut, man." "You know what?" "I don't care what you think." "All right." "I'm really serious right now." "I don't want to see your face." "Hey, ed." "Let's talk about this, man." "Hey." "Don't walk away." "Ed, I'm sorry you didn't get laid, man." "I'm sorry nobody wanted to sleep with you." "Come back." "Hey, hey." "Fuck Jo and susie." "I know." "Rachel and Cassie." "Those chicks will fuck you at the same time." "Man:" "How you doing tonight?" "Fine." "All I had was $1.05." "Wow." "It's $1.10." "Yes, but all I have is $1.05, so if you could cut me some slack," "I'd really appreciate that because I spent last night in prison." "Oh." "So you'd like special treatment because you're a felon?" "I will come back tomorrow with the difference... twice the difference." "It doesn't work like that." "I want to go home." "Well, unless you've got $1.10, you ain't going nowhere." "Do... no!" "What is wrong with you people?" "I pay my taxes!" "I don't throw trash on the street," "I don't piss in alleyways or graffiti walls." "I don't even have children in the public school system." "I recycle, my glass, my paper, my plastics." "I'm a good person, and I just want a bus token!" "Bye." "That's it!" "That's it!" "If I'm not going home, no one is!" "You just can't keep out of trouble, can you?" "Fuck!" "Where did you come from?" "Yes." "This is a perfect ending to a perfect weekend." "I'm arresting you for disturbing the peace." "I just want a bus token." "And for begging." "Here you go." "You know this guy?" "We live in the same apartment building." "I'll take him home." "All right." "If you're sure." "Mm-hmm." "Are you ok?" "Yeah." "Go on now." "Blow." "Come on." "Ugh." "Eww." "I'm sorry." "It's been a hell of a 48 hours." "I guess it all just got a little on top of me." "So what's happened, if you don't mind my asking?" "I haven't had sex in over a year." "Well, I can see how that would... and my ex, who I was hoping to get back together with, got married..." "Oh." "That is just... and I got arrested last night for picking up a prostitute." "I didn't know she was a prostitute..." "Well, no wonder you were arrested." "And because of that, I spent the night in a prison cell fending off the amorous advances of a very giant man with a pierced scrotum." "Phew!" "Must be a lot of dead animals about." "You can fart on command?" "You can't?" "I tired once but just shat myself." "It's not something you try twice." "Ooh!" "That's a big cat." "Yeah." "Eww." "I hope the door opens soon." "Yeah." "Uh, thanks for the bus token." "I'm feeling a lot, uh, saner now." "Has anyone looked at that?" "Uh, it will heel." "Come on." "It looks really nasty." "I got some antiseptic stuff and a band-aid." "Come on." "Wow!" "Those are great." "Who are they by?" "A little-known contemporary photographer..." "Ellen Reese." "She's very talented." "Why, thank you." "Wha..." "Ellen." "Yeah." "I'm sorry." "I never asked your name." "I'm ed waxman." "Hi." "You do this professionally?" "I do now." "I was a model for a long time, but I quit to spend more time behind the camera." "That's very brave." "Not really." "You're not brave to do what you really want to do." "You're just an idiot if you don't." "Do you want a bit?" "I am so hungry." "Yes, please." "You never told me what you do." "Advertising." "You're definitely getting fired tomorrow?" "Yeah." "Man: ¶ you're calling me ¶" "¶ and your friends to your arm ¶" "¶ and you treat them like... ¶" "I was really planning on working this weekend, you know, really buckling down, but I got sidetracked by my brother's futile attempt to get me laid." "I guess you could say the only thing that got fucked this weekend was my career." "Sorry to hear it." "¶ Just act like you're right ¶" "¶ when you know that you're wrong ¶" "¶ just act like you're right... ¶ hold on!" "Ed, ed, ed." "Sorry." "Thought you were someone else." "You know, I'm..." "I'm just not good with the women." "I'm not like my brother Cooper." "Thank God." "What?" "That guy is the most self-centered, shallow person" "I've ever met." "¶ Felt just like a gavel fell... ¶ have you seen this man?" "¶ The more it hurts... ¶ uh-uh." "No?" "No." "Ok." "How about that man?" "Uh-uh." "Thanks." "I mean, do not think that Cooper is the ideal man that all women are looking for." "To be honest, I think it's a bit sad that a guy needs to have constant reassurance that he's desirable." "It's a massive sign of insecurity." "You are so much more... ¶ You don't need to tell me ¶" "¶ love's like an enemy ¶" "¶ if ever you should stumble ¶" "¶ you just need a friend ¶" "¶ you don't need to bend ¶" "¶ just act like you're right when you know you're wrong ¶" "Cooper:" "Yeah." "Ok." "You're sure you haven't seen him?" "Not since the sixth grade?" "Ok." "No, no." "Uh, thanks, Spence." "If he does happen to get in touch with you tonight, give me a call, all right?" "No." "I don't expect him to either." "Hi, God." "Cooper waxman here." "I know I haven't been in touch for a while." "You might know me better at the Glen kyoto man." "My brother ed has sort of gone missing." "Well, we argued, and he got this really nasty bump on his head, and I haven't heard from him since, so I was thinking that maybe you could just go have a quick look around for him" "and bring him back home." "Now I know what you're thinking." "You're thinking, "well, sure I could do that for you, Cooper, but what's in it for me?"" "And fair enough, so I tell you what." "If you find ed and you bring him back home safely," "I'll give up one-night stands for, uh..." "Aw." "Come on, God." "I'm only human." "I got it." "And this is fair." "I'll lead the sort of life that ed wants me to lead." "I'll give up the ads, I'll give up the daytime soaps, and I will concentrate on serious acting jobs." "Is it a deal?" "It's a deal." "Well, so stop hanging around here feeling so pleased with yourself and get out there and find my brother." "Man: ¶ don't look back into the sun ¶" "¶ now you know that the time has come ¶" "¶ and they said that it would never come for you ¶" "¶ oh, oh, oh, oh ¶" "¶ oh, my friend, you haven't changed ¶" "¶ you're looking rough and living strange ¶" "¶ and I know, you've got a taste for it, too ¶" "¶ oh, oh, oh, oh ¶" "¶ don't look back into the sun ¶" "¶ you've cast your pearls, but you're on the run ¶" "¶ and all the lies you said, who did you save?" "¶ mm." "Hey." "I must have fallen asleep." "Uh..." "You looked so peaceful, I didn't want to disturb you." "Ok." "Uh, I'm gonna go now." "I better go, so sorry." "Oh, don't be sorry." "You were very snuggly." "It was nice." "Really?" "Mm-hmm." "You're welcome to stay if you want to." "Ok." "I guess I could stay." "If you'd like to." "I could use the sleep." "Man: ¶ looking timeless and frisky ¶" "¶ I feel lost like the sixties ¶" "¶ had way too much publicity ¶" "¶ and no girlfriend to miss me ¶" "¶ it's a perfect day to start ¶" "¶ looking for a new sweetheart... ¶ ohh!" "Ohh..." "Yeah!" "Oh, God." "I'm gonna cum." "Oh, no!" "Oh, no!" "No yet." "Just a little longer." "¶ All the girls come out... ¶ hyah!" "Unh!" "Ellen:" "Oh, yeah!" "Ohh!" "Oh, yeah!" "¶ On the town... ¶" "Come on!" "Ohh!" "Ohh!" "Come on!" "Ohh!" "Almost there." "Ohh!" "Holy shit!" "That's it!" "I've got it!" "I got it." "You got what?" "I got an idea for work." "What?" "Oh." "That's romantic." "Oh, no." "That's not what I mean." "I wasn't even thinking about work, not at all, but it just suddenly hit me, you know, the idea I've been looking for all weekend, so I got to go." "I can save my career." "You know what, though?" "That was amazing." "You were amazing." "You are the best thing that has happened to me since..." "Ever." "I got to go." "Hey, ed!" "Where have you, been, man?" "I've been worried sick." "I called everybody in your address book," "I've been to the hospitals, the mortuaries, everything." "Where's the camera?" "Hey, ed." "I've been worried sick about you." "With that bump on your head, you could have had amnesia, been wandering around the earth, not knowing who you were, and I'd find you years later as an old man when I'd take my grandchildren" "to the circus only to discover my long lost brother in ring 3 being the bull's-eye for a game of butt darts by the midget pirates." "Yeah." "I was having sex with the unbelievably gorgeous woman down the hall." "Ed, come on, man." "I don't care about the whole getting laid thing." "You don't need to lie." "I'm just glad you're ok." "Ed?" "Oh." "You left this at my place." "Call me." "Oh, ho, man!" "Now that's impressive." "Guess that's why they call you the almighty, huh?" "Hey." "Where's the video camera?" "The video camera?" "Yeah." "I need it now." "Ok." "Fuck." "Ed, what are you doing?" "Getting my job back." "Man: ¶ I met a girl from another planet ¶" "¶ yeah, yeah ¶ go get them." "Well, what happened?" "Did you get all the footage you needed?" "You kidding?" "I was crazy to think that in just one day" "I could film all the stuff that took years to fill my archive." "I mean, I threw away everything I needed to save my career." "You want your archived footage?" "Oh." "Come with me." "Coop, it is too late, ok?" "The meeting takes place at 3:00." "I'm screwed." "Well, then we better hustle, huh, buddy?" "Come on." "I got a surprise for you." "What are we doing back at mom and dad's place?" "Come on." "Man: ¶ once upon a time not too long ago ¶" "¶ we took a day out in Manchester... ¶ thought these might come in handy one day." "Go ahead." "This could do it?" "Yeah?" "Shit." "We got to go." "Oh." "Ooh!" "Shit!" "Oh, God!" "Oh, boy!" "Found it." "Here you go." "¶ And we all fall down ¶" "¶ there's not enough hours in the trip ¶ so we have clearly not been responsive to your needs." "I mean, great bridge is a leader." "It's an innovator." "It's a groundbreaking insurance company." "It's unique, it's exciting." "With inspired leadership, if I may be so bold." "Let me ask you." "What type of advertising are we talking about?" "Well, I think we need to have a face of great bridge insurance, you know, a spokesman, someone who represents everything we stand for." "Someone attractive, intelligent, approachable." "Mm." "Anyone in mind?" "Yes." "Me." "Right." "Well, I think we've got ourselves a poster boy." "I knew we could work together." "You guys are un-fucking-believable." "We try." "And you're fired." "I hate ass-kissers." "If I wanted a bunch of sycophants who were only after my money," "I could just hang out with my family." "Mr. Lanson, have a seat." "Weren't you fired?" "Shut up, Roger." "Mr. Lanson, I think you're gonna like this." "Aah!" "Oh, fuck!" "Ohh!" "Ohh, shit!" "Ugh!" "Oh, God." "Aah!" "Aah!" "Aah!" "Shit!" "Aah!" "Ohh!" "Unh!" "Ow!" "Ed, voice-over:" "The unexpected happens all the time." "Whoa!" "Ohh!" "With great bridge insurance, you're covered." "Cooper, voice-over:" "And so ed won the account back." "He got Frank's office, and business boomed." "To show there was no hard feelings, he even let Roger stay." "Ed and Ellen moved in together, and I heard that Cathy got fat and Jack caught a disease which caused his testicles to swell to the size of cantaloupes." "Talk about everything working out perfectly." "It's your brother's big day, huh?" "Wish him luck from me." "And, yes, I even kept my promise to God." "I don't know if it was such a good idea to give up those ads and stuff, man." "Are you kidding?" "Cooper, in your first serious acting audition, you landed the role of Hamlet." "That's massive." "Yeah." "I don't know, man." "I'm sweating like a bullet here." "I'm nervous as hell." "You're gonna be great, Coop." "Good luck." "All right?" "Oh, hey, ed." "Hey, man." "Thanks for coming, huh?" "I wouldn't miss it for the world." "I'm proud of you." "Thanks, bud." "Here we go." "And in this harsh world, draw thy breath in pain to tell my story, and the rest is silence." "Man: ¶ hold me close, don't let me go ¶" "¶ oh, no ¶" "¶ I, yes, I love you, and I think that you know ¶" "¶ that you know ¶" "¶ with your love light shining ¶" "¶ every cloud's got a silver lining... ¶" "Jesus Christ!" "Ha!" "Holy shit, woman." "Have you ever heard of waxing?" "Shit." "It's your line that gets me." "I got it this time." "Third time's a charm." "I can't even listen to you." "I can't listen to you." "And were you close to the deceased?" "I was her lover." "Oh, my." "So you have your liquor license." "Mark." "I bet you fart like a bunny." "Man: "Fuck like a bunny."" "I like "fart like a bunny."" "But what can we now take away from her life?" "And I'd find you years from now as an old man when I'd take my grandchildren to the circus only to discover my long lost brother dangling from the trapeze by the business end of some Chinese anal beads." "Mark." "And I'd find you years from now as an old man when I'd take my grandchildren to the circus only to discover my long lost brother in the tank getting mounted by the transvestite hippo lady." "Mark." "Now why would God take the life of one so hot when there are so many ugly, loose, gross bitches to choose from." "Fuck." "Fucking lightning bolt their ass when you've got these beautiful, pristine, tight-lipped, wonderful angels." "Ha ha ha!" "What did you do?" "It's, like, sad. 8, maybe 9 times I'm peeing on her." "She's down there, she's licking my star, fucking blowing it in her hair." "Is she into bestiality?" "Because, you know, my next-door neighbor's got that great Dane, and she's just like trying to get him, where she's, like, putting peanut butter all over her snootchie and stuff like that." "I mean, that's..." "that's not right, is it?" "That's right, is it?" "She's got, like, a lob wedge, and she's just like, "oh, yeah, yeah."" "I got to get the thing regripped." "Ahem." "Oh, man." "She's cool, though." "We talk a lot." "It's nice." "She's really sensitive." "Yeah." "She was shoving my g.I. Joe up there and stuff like that." "Man: ¶ want you to?" "¶" "¶ well, I really feel ¶" "¶ feel like you want me to ¶" "¶ do you feel ¶" "¶ feel like I want you to?" "¶" "¶ I really feel ¶" "¶ feel like you want me to ¶" "¶ do you feel?" "¶" "¶ I really feel ¶" "¶ do, do you feel?" "¶" "¶ because I really feel it, too ¶" "¶ do you feel ¶" "¶ just like I want you to?" "¶" "¶ yeah, do you feel it?" "¶" "¶ do you feel, yeah?" "¶ captioning made possible by lions gate entertainment"