"On Sunday, August 13, 1961... the eyes of America were on the nation's capital... where Roger Maris was hitting home runs number 44 and 45... against the Senators." "On that same day, without any warning... the East German Communists sealed off the border... between East and West Berlin." "I only mention this... to show the kind of people we're dealing with..." "Real shifty." "Having been stationed in Berlin and having dealt with them..." "I know what I'm talking about." "Let's go back to last June." "Considering the abnormal situation of a divided city... life in Berlin was more or less normal." "Traffic flowed freely through the Brandenburg Gate... and it wasn't really too much trouble... to pass from one side of the Iron Curtain... to the other." "Some of the East German police were rude and suspicious." "Others were suspicious and rude." "The eastern sector, under Communist domination... was still in rubble... but the people went about their daily business... parading." "These constant provocations... failed to provoke the West Berliners." "They were too busy rebuilding." "The western sector, under Allied protection... was peaceful, prosperous... and enjoyed all the blessings of democracy." "Just by coincidence... this happens to be the company I work for." "Danke schön." "Danke schön, Fritz." "Danke schön." "Danke schön already." "Sitzen machen." "Schlemmer!" "Good morning, Mr. MacNamara." "Schlemmer, how many times have I told you..." "I don't want those people standing at attention... every time I come into the office." "I know." "I've given strict orders." "Can't they get it through their Prussian heads?" "They're living in a democracy now." "That is the trouble." "In the old days, if I ordered them to sit... they would sit." "Now with a democracy, they do what they want." "What they want is to stand." "Next, any word yet from the mayor's office?" "Yes, sir." "Negative." "They absolutely will not permit us... to install a Coke machine in the Reichstag." "Sometimes I wonder who won the war." "Next, did you pick up those airline tickets... for my wife and children?" "Yes, sir." "Positive." "Three seats on a 6:00 plane to Venice." "They change in Frankfurt." "That reminds me." "Call the Frankfurt plant and have them ship us... another 100,000 bottles." "People keep smuggling Cokes into the eastern sector... and not returning the empties." "Yes, sir." "Next, I'm expecting the Russian Trade Commission at 10:30." "When they get here, show them right in." "Yes, sir." "Next." "Schlemmer, you're fired." "Sir?" "Unless you stop clicking your heels around here!" "Yes, sir." "Oh, I'm sorry." "I keep forgetting myself." "That old Gestapo training, huh?" "Please, Mr. MacNamara." "You mustn't say that." "It is not true." "Just between us, Schlemmer, what did you do during the war?" "I was in der untergrund..." "The underground." "Resistance fighter?" "No." "Motorman." "In the underground." "You know, the subway." "Of course, you were anti-Nazi, and you never liked Adolf." "Adolf who?" "You see, down where I was..." "I didn't know what was going on out there... and nobody ever told me anything." "That'll be all, Schlemmer." "Herausmachen!" "Guten Morgen, MacNamara." "And a guten Morgen to you, Fräulein Ingeborg." "It is not "frow-line."" "It is "froy-line" with an umlaut." "I'll say." "Monthly report." "To Wendell P. Hazeltine, home office, Atlanta, Georgia." "From C.R. MacNamara, Berlin branch." "Production figures were made." "270,000 cases." "Consumption per capita now 5.2% above last year." "Outselling Rhine wine eight to one." "Rapidly creeping up on draft beer." "Next, publicity campaign... to reorient German businessmen's lunch succeeding." "27% now having Coke with their knackwurst." "Now, here's a real hot flash." "We may become the first American company... to crack the Iron Curtain." "I have started preliminary negotiations... with a Russian representative." "It looks most promising." "More later." "Next... what did you do over the weekend?" "Nothing." "I stayed home waiting for you." "I tried to make it, believe me." "I just couldn't get away... but there's good news tonight." "Yes?" "Mrs. MacNamara?" "Put her on." "Yes, Phyllis." "What's the matter?" "It's Tommy." "We're having a little crisis here." "Why don't you talk to him?" "Tommy, your father's on the phone." "Hello, Dad." "Nothing." "It's just that Mother's ganging up on me." "What do you mean by that?" "I think your mother's absolutely right." "It's silly to pack them." "What are you going to do with roller skates in Venice?" "All the streets are underwater." "So what?" "I'm taking my aqualung and my snorkel." "Here." "Your husband wants to talk to you." "Yes, Mac?" "Look, Phyllis." "Let him pack what he wants." "All right." "So I'm spoiling him." "Big deal." "Don't worry." "The car will be there at 5:00." "Then you'll pick me up at the office... and I'll take you to the airport." "Yes, mein Führer." "Bertha wants to know what you'd like... to have for dinner tonight." "Oh, tell her not to bother." "I've got a desk full of work." "I'll just grab a quick bite somewhere." "So long, dear." "Like I said, good news." "Your wife." "She's making a trip?" "Is she ever." "Going on vacation mit die Kinder." "Ach so." "So tonight, we'll split a schnitzel... and start on the German lessons again." "We should." "You must be getting rusty." "We'll just have to work at it twice as hard from now on." "Das ist gut?" "Sehr gut." "And the first thing we're gonna do is brush up on the umlaut." "Das ist wunderbar." "Like all the lilacs in Lower Bavaria." "The Communist gentlemen are here." "Send them in." "That'll be all, Fräulein Ingeborg." "Put that on the teletype to Atlanta." "Jawohl." "And take your gum." "Jawohl." "Nice to see you again, Comrade Mishkin." "Hey, Mishkin." "Ah, Mr. MacNamara..." "I would like to present Commissar Peripetchikoff..." "Chairman of our Trade Commission... and Comrade Borodenko... from the Soft Drinks Secretariat." "Sit down." "Sit down, boys." "We have no objection." "Cigarettes?" "Cigars?" "Here." "Take one of these." "Thanks." "Made in Havana." "We have trade agreement with Cuba." "They send us cigars, we send them rockets." "Good thinking." "Now, I understand from Comrade Mishkin... that you guys are very keen... on getting Coca-Cola into Russia." "He is totally wrong." "I did not say we are keen." "I said we are mildly interested." "Nevertheless..." "Comrade Mishkin suggested we start with 6 bottling plants..." "Moscow, Leningrad, Stalingrad, Kiev..." "You know something?" "You guys got cheated." "This is a pretty crummy cigar." "Do not worry." "We send them pretty crummy rockets." "As I was saying, six plants..." "Moscow, Leningrad, Stalingrad..." "Kiev, Kharkov, and Minsk, right?" "Totally wrong." "I never mentioned Minsk." "I said Pinsk." "All right." "Pinsk is in." "Minsk is out." "Next, our contract will contain the usual provisions." "We supply the syrup, you do the bottling." "Certainly not." "We make our own syrup." "You supply the formula." "Forget it, gentlemen." "That formula stays in our vaults." "We give it to you, first thing we know... the Chinese Communists will have it." "No formula, no deal." "OK." "No deal." "We do not need you." "If we want Coca-Cola, we invent it ourselves." "Oh, yeah?" "In 1956, you flew a bottle of Coke... to a secret laboratory in Sverdlovsk." "A dozen of your top chemists... went nuts trying to analyze the ingredients, right?" "No comment." "And in 1958, you planted two undercover agents... in our home office in Atlanta to steal the formula... and what happened?" "They both defected... and now they're successful businessmen in Florida... packaging instant borscht, right?" "No comment." "Last year, you put out a cockamamie imitation..." "Kremlin Cola." "You tried it out in the satellite countries... but even the Albanians wouldn't drink it." "They used it for sheep-dip, right?" "No comment." "So either get down to business or get off the pot." "My dear American friend... if we are to live together in peaceful coexistence... there must be a certain amount of give-and-take." "Oh, sure." "We give, and you take." "What is the matter?" "You do not trust us?" "No comment." "If you do not mind, we'll have a little conference." "Help yourself." "What is this?" "My employees gave it to me... on the tenth anniversary of the Berlin Airlift." "Comrades, are we going to stand here... and listen to this cheap propaganda?" "Relax, Boris." "While they're putting Uncle Sam in cuckoo clocks... we will put Soviet cosmonaut on moon." "OK." "So you guys may be the first to shoot a man to the moon... but if he wants a Coke on the way... you'll have to come to us." "All right." "We agree in principle." "You supply the syrup." "Next, the deal will be set up on a royalty basis." "Royalty?" "In Russia, we do not have royalty... not since we liquidate the Czar." "Nevertheless, you'll pay us a percentage of the gross." " Money?" " Dollars." "Instead of dollars, you would accept three-week tour... of Bolshoi Ballet." "Please." "No culture, just cash." "The ugly American." "Next, once the plants are up... we reserve the right of inspection." "Of course, and we reserve the right to veto." "Our inspections will be entitled to..." " We veto it." " I thought so." "Forget details." "You will draw up temporary agreement... we will submit to Moscow." "And I'll have to consult with Atlanta, Georgia." "When will papers be ready?" "I'll put my secretary right to work on it." "Your secretary?" "She's that blond lady?" "That's the one." "You will send papers to East Berlin... with blond lady in triplicate." "You want the papers in triplicate... or the blond in triplicate?" "See what you can do." "We are staying at the Grand Hotel Potemkin." "OK." "Now, how about a little vodka and Coke?" "No, thank you." "We have emergency meeting with Swiss trade delegation." "They sent us twenty carloads of cheese." "Totally unacceptable." "Full of holes." "Good-bye." "See you around the campus." "Ring a ding ding." "What is it, Schlemmer?" "It is the overseas operator." "You are to stand by for a call from Atlanta, Georgia." "Atlanta?" "They must have gotten my teletype." "I bet they're all worked up about the Russian deal." " It went good?" " Good?" "Look at this, Schlemmer." "All virgin territory... 300 million thirsty comrades..." "Volga boatmen and Cossacks..." "Ukrainians and Outer Mongolians... panting for the pause that refreshes." "Do you realize what it means if I could put this across?" "Your stock, it will go up." "I'll go up to the number-one job..." "Head of all European operations... headquarters in London." "May I be the first to congratulate you?" "I should have had that job five years ago." "I was all set for it... even bought myself an umbrella... but I got loused up by Benny Goodman." "Benny Goodman?" "I was in charge of the whole Middle East..." "Nine countries, fifteen bottling plants, all facing Mecca." "Well, Goodman and his band were coming through... on a goodwill tour for the State Department." "30,000 people showed up at the concert... but Benny didn't because his plane was delayed... by a sandstorm, so the mob rioted... and marched on the American embassy... so the police turned them back... so they burned down the Coca-Cola plant." "You know it." "There was a big rhubarb at the home office... and suddenly, I was in the doghouse... exiled to South America... schlepping that syrup over the Andes... on llamas yet... while a bunch of crew-cut kids... were being promoted over my head!" "But you're in Berlin now." "This is not the doghouse." "Yeah." "I used to have nine countries." "Now I've got half a city, and that may blow up any day... but MacNamara rides again!" "I'll be the white-haired boy now." "I'm going all the way!" "Yes?" "It's Atlanta." "Hello?" "Hello?" "Mr. Hazeltine?" "Yes, I can hear you." "I'm fine, Mr. Hazeltine." "How are you?" "Well, if you must know, I'm miserable." "Those damn magnolias are in bloom again... and so is my hay fever." "MacNamara, there's something important..." "I'd like to discuss with you." "I thought you would, Mr. Hazeltine." "You got my teletype?" "It's right here in front of me." "Those figures from May are not bad... not bad at all." "Thank you, sir." "And how about the Russian deal?" "Napoleon blew it, Hitler blew it... but Coca-Cola's gonna pull it off." "Forget it, MacNamara." "Forget it." "We are not interested in doing business... behind the Iron Curtain." "We're not interested in the Russian market?" "I wouldn't touch the Russians with a ten-foot pole... and I don't want anything to do with the Poles, either." "But this could be the biggest thing for the company... since we introduced the six-pack!" "Well, if it's against front-office policy..." "You're damn right... but that's not what I called you about." "Look, MacNamara." "I'd like you to do me a big personal favor." "Yes, Mr. Hazeltine?" "You want me to ship Mrs. Hazeltine... another set of Misen china?" "No!" "It's about our daughter Scarlett." "She's seventeen now, sweet girl... fell in love with some damn rock'n'roll singer." "No." "That was the one before." "This is some pimple-faced basketball player." "Anyway, we sent her off on a little trip to Europe." "Where was I?" "Daughter Scarlett, pimple-faced basketball player... sent her to Europe..." "Oh, yes!" "We had her spend a couple of weeks... with our representative in Rome... and a couple of weeks with our man in Paris... and she's arriving in Berlin this afternoon... so I'd appreciate it if you and Mrs. MacNamara..." "Oh, we'd be delighted to have her stay with us." "It's just that my family has made some plans... and I have a few plans of my own." "Well, if it's any sort of imposition, never mind." "I'm sorry I called you." "Well, actually, I wasn't thinking of myself." "It's your daughter I'm concerned about." "With the political situation in Berlin the way it is... anything can happen anytime." "Exactly." "That's why I want you to take especially good care of her." "She's just a child, really... and I don't like her to stay in a hotel alone... at a time like this." "She's flying Pan Am." "The plane is due in Berlin at 4:30... unless those damn Commies shoot it down." "Here." "You give her the flowers." "Oh, cut it out, Phyllis!" "What was I going to do?" "The boss asked me to look after his only daughter." "I can't disappoint him." "Well, what about your only children... and your only wife?" "We were all packed and ready to go." "Don't you think we were disappointed?" "Believe me, Phyllis, everybody's disappointed." "We'll just have to put things off a couple of weeks..." "The roller skates and the snorkel and the umlaut." "The what?" "Right now, the important thing is to make sure... that the girl has a good time so when she goes home... all she'll talk about is our man in Berlin." "It's such a nuisance." "Tommy will have to move into Cindy's room." "Bertha will have to learn how to cook sauerbraten... southern style." "Come on, Phyllis." "Make an effort." "Yes, mein Führer." "Pardon me, is this the plane from Paris?" "Oui, monsieur." "Isn't there a Miss Hazeltine among the passengers?" "There was a Miss Hazeltine among the passengers... but we have lost her." "You lost her?" "She has joined the crew." "Scarlett Hazeltine if I ever saw one." "Miss Hazeltine, I'm MacNamara." "This is Mrs. MacNamara." "Welcome to Berlin." "Hi there!" "How was your flight?" "Just marvy." "The boys let me buzz Dusseldorf." "May I have your hat?" "OK, fans." "Drop them in." "Pick one, will you, please?" "I'm game." "What does it say?" "It says Pierre." "That's me!" "Where do I come to pick you up?" " What's our address?" " Why?" "Well, we just had this lottery, and Pierre won me." "Lucky Pierre." "He's the navigator." "That so?" "Well, you better change your course, Lucky." "You're way off the beam." "This way, Miss Hazeltine." "Now just a darn minute." "So long, fans!" "But that's not fair!" "Madame, I appeal to you as a woman." "As a matter of fact, you do." "Au revoir." "So you're gonna be like that?" "Like what?" "A company man like those old poops in Rome and Paris... breathing down my neck every minute, cramping my style." "Look, Miss Hazeltine." "You're underage, and I'm under orders!" "Europe... what a drag!" "I've done the Colosseum bit and the Mona Lisa bit... but they never take me to any of those marvy places... like the Lido and the Crazy Horse and Le Sexy." "I promise you, you'll have a wonderful time in Berlin." "That's why I came." "I hear this is a real swinging town." "Where did you hear that?" "Don't you ever read the headlines?" "Everybody says Berlin's the hottest spot... in the world right now." "Would you care to make a short statement... for the American Forces Network?" "Phyllis, please!" "We're a little late, folks, so good night." "This your ticket?" "Fritz, with the luggage machen." "You'd better send a cable to Tara... and tell them Scarlett's checked in." "Don't bother." "Let them worry." "I didn't volunteer for this trip." "They deported me just to bust it up between me and Choo Choo." "Who's Choo Choo?" "Choo Choo Babcock." "I met him in a telephone booth." "43 of us piled inside..." "You know, to break the record..." "And Choo Choo and I were on the bottom... and by the time we got out, we were engaged." "That's a record, all right." "But Daddy didn't approve because Choo Choo's folks... are from the wrong side of the tracks... and let's face it, my daddy's an S-N-O-B." "A what?" " A snob." " Oh." "Seventeen." "Isn't that a little young to be engaged?" "Oh, I've been engaged four times." "All the women in our family are sort of hot-blooded." "What have we got here?" "Whatever it is, it's all ours for the next two weeks." "Isn't that marvy?" "Schlemmer!" "I'm sorry." "I will keep them here after hours practicing." "Never mind that." "My chauffeur didn't show up this morning." "Fritz?" "I will find out what happened to him." "I don't care what happened to him." "Find out what happened to my car." "Jawohl!" "I'm sorry." "While they are practicing not standing..." "I will practice not clicking my heels." "Guten Morgen, Fräulein Ingeborg." "Guten Morgen." "Like freshly baked pumpernickel." "Here's your mail." "Here's your "Wall Street Journal"... and here is my resignation." "Resignation?" "What are you talking about?" "Now you do not work me overtime anymore." "You do not take advantage of me on weekends." "You have lost all interest in the umlaut... so, obviously, my services are no longer required here." "You know my problem." "We have this houseguest." "You said she would be in Berlin two weeks." "Can I help it if she caught the German measles?" "She's been here now two months." "She likes it here." "It's a damn nuisance, but what am I gonna do, throw her out?" "Doesn't she have to go home?" "It's August." "Won't schools soon open?" "In Georgia?" "You never know." "Come on now." "What is all this nonsense about quitting?" "I have had offers for many jobs." "After all, I'm bilingual." "Don't I know it." "Remember that Russian Trade Commission?" "They keep calling me all the time." "They want me very badly." "I'll bet, those Siberian wolves." "So you better find yourself another girl." "All right!" "Dictation." "Classified ad to run in all Berlin papers." "Quote..." ""Attractive middle-aged executive..." ""wants attractive, young secretary."" ""Must be versatile and cooperative."" ""Excellent salary, congenial working conditions..."" ""Fringe benefits."" "Fringe benefits?" "What is that?" "Little extras... like, for instance, this morning..." "I was passing that fancy shop on the Kurfuerstendamm... and there was this white silk dress in the window... with polka dots all over it and a matching hat." "And a bag?" "And matching shoes?" "Why not?" "I'll take the job." "You got it." "Danke schön." "You're welcome." "Please." "Not while you're chewing gum." "Uh, that'll be all, Fräulein Ingeborg." " More later." " Anytime." "Yes, Schlemmer?" "I called the garage." "I called his wife." "No Fritz." "I can see this is going to be one of those days." "You better call the police." "I already did." "Gave them a complete description of the car..." "Model, license number, engine number." "You're a good man, Schlemmer." "Thank you, sir." "Schlemmer, how much are we paying you?" "Two hundred marks a week." "Let's see." "That would be about fifty dollars." " That's all." " That's enough." "Yes, sir." "Hello?" "Hello?" "Yes?" "Atlanta, Georgia?" "Put it through." "MacNamara, what's going on there in Berlin?" "I have a letter here from Scarlett." "It says she's been going to operas, concerts, museums." "That doesn't sound like my little girl." "Oh, you're going to be surprised, Mr. Hazeltine." "She's a different person now." "Oh, I don't mind telling you." "We were a little worried when she first arrived... but she turned out just fine." "Well, I'll be damned!" "Anyway, you'll be relieved to know... that Mrs. Hazeltine and I are leaving for Europe today... and we're going to take Scarlett off your hands." "We'll be sorry to lose her." "No, it was no bother at all." "Two weeks, two months." "What's the difference?" "Well, I want you to know... that we're mighty grateful to you, MacNamara." "Actually, the reason I'm making this trip..." "There's gonna be a shift in personnel." "We're naming a new head of European operations... and you won't be forgotten, Mac." "The London job?" "Well, I don't know what to say." "I never expected anything like that." "Just to be considered for the job... is a great honor." "Of course, I have been with the company... for the past fifteen years... and I know the European market like the inside of my pocket..." "It's your wife on the other phone." "She must talk to you." "Not now." "I'm on long distance." "I told her that, but she insists." "Would you hold on a minute, Mr. Hazeltine?" "There's a little emergency in the accounting department." "What is it, Phyllis?" "What's so important?" "Well, if you put it that way, nothing, really." "I just thought you might be interested... in what's going on around the house, mein Führer." "You out of your mind?" "I'm talking to Mr. Hazeltine about the London job... and you want to chitchat?" "I'm sorry." "It's just that Miss Hazeltine is missing... but we can discuss it some other time." " Bye." " Bye." "Missing?" "!" "Wait a minute, Phyllis." "Phyllis!" "What do you mean she's missing?" "Bertha took her breakfast up, and she's not there." "Her bed hasn't been slept in." "Well, that's ridiculous." "We got back from the movie around 11:00... and Scarlett went right upstairs." "What could have happened to her?" "Who knows?" "Gone with the wind." "Maybe she ran away." "Maybe she was kidnapped by a white slave ring." "Oh, swell." "Hold on, will you?" "Trouble?" "I wish I were in hell with my back broken." "Sorry, Mr. Hazeltine." "They come running to me with all their little problems." "Now, about your trip." "What boat are you sailing on?" "Boat?" "Who's got time for that?" "Mrs. Hazeltine and I... are flying to New York this afternoon... taking the overnight jet to London." "There's a connecting flight to Berlin... and we'll be there at noon tomorrow." "Noon tomorrow?" "You mean our time?" "Of course I'll tell Scarlett, first chance I get." "Yes, sir." "We'll see you at the airport unless those damn Commies... shoot the plane down." "Yeah." "Auf Wiedersehen." "For God's sake, Phyllis, we've got to find that idiot." "Her parents are arriving tomorrow." "Where could she be?" "She doesn't know anybody in Berlin except us." "Well, have Bertha look again." "Maybe she left a note." "What about her luggage?" "Well, I'm glad to hear something is still there." "No, I'm not blaming you." "It's just that lousy MacNamara luck." "First I lost a bottling plant... and now I lose the boss' daughter!" "I think we are getting someplace." "We found Fritz." "Fritz?" "To hell with Fritz!" "It's the girl we're looking for now." "Precisely." "He has some information." "Where is she?" "I do not know, not precisely... but last night, I dropped her at the Brandenburg Gate." "The Brandenburg Gate?" "Why?" "Because that is where I drop her every night... and that is where I pick her up every morning." "How long has this been going on?" "Since last month, sir." "Usually, I get her back to the house... before you wake up, but this morning..." "I wait for her, and I wait." "You mean, you've been helping her sneak out behind my back?" "Yes, sir, but I have a very good excuse." "What?" "She pays me a hundred marks a night..." "Fifty for driving her, fifty for not telling you." "Do I have your permission to fire him?" "Not yet!" "Now, let's go step by step." "After you drop her at the Brandenburg Gate... what does she do?" "She crosses the border into East Berlin." "East Berlin?" "That is why I am so worried... because this morning, she did not come back." "You're worried?" "I'm going down in flames, and he's worried." "Ingeborg, clear the switchboard." "I want Brigadier General Hartel..." "Commanding Officer of the American sector." "Next, get me Mayor Willy Brandt." "Next, get me the Police Commissioner... of West Berlin." "Next, I want to speak to the U.S. Ambassador in Bonn." "You got that?" "OK." "Fritz, you wait downstairs." "I may need you later." "Schlemmer, how can we find out what happened to her?" "Can we get any information from East Berlin?" "Only through official channels in triplicate." "What if we just picked up the phone... and called the authorities over there?" "It is not that easy." "Why not?" "There's no direct phone service to East Berlin." "You have to call Stockholm." "From there it goes through Warsaw... to Leipzig, then to East Berlin... and then, nine times out of ten, you get the wrong number." " Try it anyway." " Yes, sir." "Schnellmachen!" "Yes?" "General Hartel is out on army maneuvers?" "Well, what about Mayor Willy Brandt?" "He's watching the maneuvers." "And the Police Commissioner?" "I see." "He's watching Willy Brandt." "So who's minding the store?" "What about the call to Bonn?" "Our ambassador is back in Washington... for consultation?" "Come in, come in." "I'll be right with you." "Get me Washington, the State Department... whoever answers..." "Dean Rusk, Dean Acheson, Dean anybody." "And if you have no luck there... get me Senator Talmadge of Georgia... and if he isn't in, try Huntley and Brinkley at NBC." "Scarlett!" "What's all the excitement?" "Oh, nothing." "You just scared the hell out of us!" "You all right?" "I'm just marvy." "What were you doing in East Berlin?" "You mean, last night?" "I mean all those nights." "You see, there's this boy over there." "Wow!" "What boy?" "What have you been up to?" "Well, I met him about six weeks ago." "I went into East Berlin, and there was this parade... and they wanted to arrest me." "Arrest you?" "Because I was taking pictures." "And then this boy..." "He was in the parade..." "He said to the policemen I shouldn't be arrested." "I should be pitied because I was a typical bourgeois parasite... and the rotten fruit of a corrupt civilization." "So naturally, I fell in love with him." "Naturally." "Want to see his picture?" "Not particularly." "Now, I want your honest opinion." "Isn't he beautiful?" "You fell in love with Khrushchev?" "No, silly, the one that's carrying Khrushchev." "His name's Otto." "I finally got East Berlin on the phone... and just like I told you, wrong number." "Hi there." "Now, you and this Otto... exactly what do you do when you're together?" "Oh, all kinds of goodies." "I wash his shirts, and he broadens my mind... and if it's a warm night, we go lie on the roof... and watch the Sputniks go by." "Is that all?" "Well, last night, we were blowing up balloons." "Balloons?" "You know." "It's a Communist trick!" "When the wind is right, they float them across... to undermine our morale." ""Yankee go home"?" "They come in all colors..." "Green and yellow and blue." "You've been helping this guy to spread... anti-American propaganda?" "It's not anti-American." "It's anti-Yankee... and where I come from, everybody's against the Yankees." "I have good mind to change this to "Russki go home"... and when the wind blows the other way..." "OK." "OK." "Now, you listen to me, Scarlett Hazeltine." "There's gonna be no more of this foolishness... because tomorrow, your parents are coming to take you home." "They are?" "Who?" "Chet Huntley?" "All right." "I'll speak to him." "Hello, Mr. Huntley." "I just want to tell you I've been watching your program." "Keep up the good work." "Bye!" "Now, when your parents arrive..." "I want you to keep your mouth shut... for your sake and mine... because if they ever find out what's been going on..." "I better talk this over with Otto." "Oh, no, you don't!" "You're not gonna see him again... and you're not going back to East Berlin." "Oh." "He's right downstairs." "Otto!" "Otto, darling!" "Up here." "Come on up, Liebchen." "Liebchen?" "I don't want that creep in my office." "Why don't you send him home to clean out his cage?" "I think he better be here... because we have something to tell you." "Tell me what?" "You're not engaged again, are you?" "No, not this time." " Thank God." " We're married." "For a minute there, I was afraid..." "You're married?" "Uh-huh." "It will be six weeks on Monday." "You married a Communist?" "He's not a Communist." "He's a republican." "He comes from the Republic of East Germany." "Why, you dumb, stupid little pot!" "Do you realize what you've done?" "You've ruined me, that's all." "What are your parents going to say?" "They trusted me, and I trusted you." "Then you go and pull an idiotic stunt like this." "Why didn't you look after me better?" "Fifteen years with the company down the drain." "I'll be blacklisted." "My kids will starve." "My wife will be selling pencils!" "And all on account of you and your hot blood." "Come in." "Come in, Otto." "This is Mr. MacNamara." "My husband..." "Otto Ludwig Piffl." "Piffl?" "Wouldn't you know." "Where did you dig him up?" "He doesn't even wear socks." "He doesn't wear shorts, either." "Isn't that exciting?" "Take your cap off." "Why?" "Because I said so." "In Lenin's tomb, I take my cap off." "If Van Cliburn plays Tchaikovsky..." "I take my cap off... but in Coca-Cola office, phooey!" "Do it for me, Otto, darling." "For you, I do it." "He could use a haircut... and I'd like to give it to him myself... with a hammer and sickle." "Warmonger." "Shut up, you punk." "Don't you talk like that to my husband." "He's not your husband!" "In the first place, she's underage." "Next, we don't recognize the government of East Germany." "Next, she admits that while she was washing your shirts... you were washing her brain!" "So the whole thing is illegal." "No, it's not." "I have a certificate." "And tell him about the wedding rings." "Forged from the steel of a brave cannon... that fought at Stalingrad." "I don't care who your jeweler is!" "The marriage is illegal." "You say, but in the eyes... of the People's Republic of East Germany... we are husband and wife." "You are not in East Germany now." "You are in West Berlin, and I can have you arrested... for lying on rooftops with a minor." "Of course you can." "I know your tactics." "You can have me arrested." "You can have tortured." "You can have me shot like you've been doing in the Congo!" "Africa for the Africans!" "All I want from you, Scarlett Piffl... is silence and damn little of that." "Don't you talk like that to my wife!" "Who?" "Brinkley?" "Well, tell him I already gave the message to Huntley." "Look, Otto baby." "If we're to live together in peaceful coexistence... there must be a certain amount of give-and-take." "How'd you like a thousand marks?" "For what?" "Just get on your motorcycle, go back where you came from... and forget about the whole thing." "You can't bribe him." "Two thousand?" "How about five thousand?" "Otto, what are you saying?" "OK." "Five thousand marks." "If it's worth five thousand, why not fifty thousand?" "Fifty thousand?" "You crazy?" "I just want to see how far they will go... to break up a happy Socialist marriage." "I spit on your money." "I spit on Fort Knox!" "I spit on Wall Street!" "Unsanitary little jerk, isn't he?" "You and your kind are doomed." "We will take over West Berlin." "We will take over Western Europe." "We will bury you!" "Do me a favor, will you?" "Bury us, but don't marry us." "Look at all this waste." "Capitalism is like a dead herring in the moonlight." "It shines, but it stinks!" "He talks like that all the time." "Tell him about Coca-Cola colonialism." "What?" "As chairman Khrushchev said... on the 40th anniversary of the revolution..." "To hell with the revolution and to hell with Khrushchev!" "The hell with Frank Sinatra." "Oh, it's gonna be a real clambake... when your folks get here tomorrow." "How are we gonna explain this?" "That's your problem because I won't be here." "What do you mean, you won't be here?" "Tonight, my wife and I are leaving for Moscow." "Moscow?" "That's what I came to tell you." "He's got a scholarship... to the People's Technological Institute." "He's studying to be a missile engineer." "Soviet missiles..." "Venus!" "American missiles..." "Miami beach." "So you just tell Daddy I'm on my way to the U.S.S.R." "That's short for Russia." "Are you out of your seventeen-year-old mind?" "Russia's to get out of, not to get into." "Where Otto goes, I go!" "You just try to stop us." "Can you talk to your wife?" "Well, I certainly can't talk to them." "On this phone." "Hello?" "Yes, dear." "Mac, hold everything." "I bet I know what happened to Scarlett." "Lucky Pierre must be back in town." "It's not Lucky Pierre." "It's Crazy Otto." "Are you ready for this?" "She's married." "That's right." "She got herself an ever-loving, curly-haired... card-carrying husband." "She married a Communist?" "This is gonna be the biggest thing to hit Atlanta... since General Sherman threw that little barbecue." "No, I don't think it's funny." "They're gonna live in Moscow?" "Now, that's funny." "Yeah, hysterical, but what can I do... go fight the Kremlin?" "I can't stop them." "They're young, they're in love... and we're a dead herring in the moonlight... so who am I to stand in the way of a happy Socialist marriage?" "Oh, come off it, Mac." "I know you." "You've got something up your sleeve." "I wouldn't be surprised." "Bye." "Now, what time are you kids leaving?" "7:00 on the Moscow Express." "Why do you want to know?" "Because I'm gonna dynamite the train." "What makes you guys so suspicious?" "I better get back to the house and start packing." "You think I ought to take both my mink coats?" "Darling, no woman should have two mink coats... until every woman in the world has one mink coat." "Why don't you cut the other one up... and make him a pair of shorts?" "I hear it's freezing there all the time." "Thirty below zero." "Fascist lies!" "You better go home and pack, too, darling." "It will take me no time..." "Just my chessboard, my extra shirt, and two hundred books." "Well, as long as Smiley here is going back to East Berlin..." "I'll get the car for you." "Schlemmer, will you run downstairs... and tell Fritz he'll have to take Scarlett home?" "You're letting her go to Moscow?" "In a pig's eye." "Now, look." "His motorcycle's downstairs." "Remember that idea you had about the balloon?" "Just think, Liebchen... tomorrow night, we'll be strolling hand in hand... across Red Square." "I hope you won't be ashamed of me... in front of your friends." "Of course not." "I promise you, I'll only wear my jewelry at home." "They have assigned us a magnificent apartment... just a short walk from the bathroom." "I love you." "I'll make you very happy." "Every morning, we'll have breakfast in bed." "Sounds wonderful." "Also lunch, also dinner." "In bed?" "There's no table and no chairs." "Who cares?" "I'll pick you at 6:30 sharp... because the 7:00 train to Moscow leaves promptly at 8:15." "Wait a minute, kids." "Before you go, I'd like to give you a little present." "Why?" "It's customary when two people get married." "Otto's friends didn't give us any presents." "Instead, they sent the money... to the unemployed cotton pickers in Mississippi." "Oh." "How about a cocktail shaker?" "No." "I guess not." "I know." "A cuckoo clock." "Handmade by dwarfs in the Black Forest." "So now they're exploiting dwarfs." "I'm sorry I haven't got any fancy wrapping paper." "We do not want anything from you." "Otto, don't be rude." "I think it's very sweet of Mr. MacNamara." "Now we'll have a bed and a clock." "We will get our own clock in Russia." "If your clocks don't run any better than your trains... you might as well take this one." "You laugh at us now, but not for long... because you're arrogant and fat and bloated." "The worms will have a picnic." "See you on the barricades, pal." "When the day comes, I'll put in a good word for you." "Scarlett!" "It's my parents I feel sorry for." "It's too late to save them." "Otto says they'll have to be liquidated." "Bye!" "Schlemmer!" "Hurry up!" "Wiedersehen, Liebchen." "Auf Wiedersehen." "Good boy, Schlemmer." "Yes, sir." "Anything else you wish me to do?" "No, thanks." "We can just sit back now... and let the East German police finish the job." "Pardon me." "I must be very stupid, but I do not understand any of this." "There's nothing to it." "All it takes is a little knowledge of physics... and elementary psychology." "Right now, Comrade Otto Ludwig Piffl... is tooling along on his motorcycle... toward East Berlin, gay, chipper... feeling like a million rubles." "Little does he know that meanwhile back at the exhaust... the fumes are filling the balloon." "It gets bigger and bigger... and all the time in the sidecar... a little booby trap is ticking away." "Now, if my calculations are correct... all these things will begin to pay off... once he passes through the Brandenburg Gate." "You can forward my mail care of American Express in Moscow." "And "Vogue" magazine and "Screen Romances."" "All right, If you promise to send me "Pravda" every day... just the funnies." "He should be here by now." "What time is it?" "6:25." "Relax." "Danke schön, Danke schön." "Don't mention it." "Are you sure you want to leave her that coat?" "Oh, yes." "Otto thinks every woman should have a mink." "I'm with Otto." "Well, maybe she'll let me borrow it on my night out." "Do you realize that Otto spelled backwards is Otto?" "How about that?" "You'll like him." "He looks just like Jack Kennedy, only he's younger... and he has more upstairs." "More brains?" "More hair." "And of course, ideologically, he's much sounder." "Maybe we voted for the wrong man." "That couldn't happen in Russia." "They don't make mistakes?" "They don't vote." "Have you ever made love to a revolutionary?" "No, but I once necked with a Stevenson Democrat." "We'll, I've been engaged four times, so I know about men... and those subversives, they're the wildest!" " Really?" " No contest." "And I just thought we were lagging behind in missiles." "Hiya, girls." "Wie gehts?" "Was ist cooking?" "Bertha, you better take Miss Hazeltine's luggage... back upstairs." "Back upstairs?" "She's leaving." "I wouldn't count on it." "Bourbon and soda, anyone?" "What's he talking about?" "Otto's coming to pick me up any minute." "Oh, no, he's not." "Otto's been picked up himself by the East German police." "Police?" "What for?" "Who knows?" "Over there, they toss people in jail... like we throw away used Kleenex." "In jail?" "How do you know?" "Bad news travels fast." "Say when." "Where is he?" "I must go to him." "That's the worst thing you can do." "He's in trouble enough already." "But he's my husband." "I want to help him." "We all do." "That's why we have to get the marriage... annulled right away." "Annulled?" "Now wait a minute, Mac." "Look." "If on top of everything else, they find out he's married... to the parasite daughter of an American capitalist... they'll send him up for twenty years... slaving away in the salt mines, schlepping those heavy bags... barefoot through the snow with nothing to keep him warm... but the hot breath of the Cossacks." "Otto!" "Nice work, Mac." "Scarlett." "Scarlett!" "Try some ice." "Bertha, call Dr. Bauer, will you?" "I will call the doctor... but I will not give back the mink coat." "The temperature, she is normal." "Der pulse..." "What's the matter, doctor?" "I have missed the first act of "The Valkyrie."" "Der pulse is normal." "Das ist definitely nicht normal." "I'll fix that." "Cut it out, kids." "Scarlett is sick." "If she dies, can I have my room back?" "How would I know?" "I'm not a lawyer." "That's your job." "What am I paying you for?" "You must have some contacts in East Berlin." "No!" "I don't want the marriage just annulled." "I want it wiped off the books." "I don't care how you do it." "Bribe one of the clerks over there." "Destroy the file." "Look." "If you guys could burn down the Reichstag... you can set a match to one measly marriage certificate... and it has to be done tonight!" "Cheers." "Feeling pretty good, aren't you, mein Führer?" "Not bad." "You framed that poor boy." "You bet I did." "I'm not gonna let that Communist kook... ruin somebody's life." "But she loves him." "Not her life, mine!" "I'm all set for the London job." "You want me to blow it?" "I couldn't care less." "I'm fed up with this whole deal..." "Hopping all around the map... from Baghdad to Caracas to Cape Town... dragging our young behind us." "Who needs it?" "What would you suggest?" "Well, why can't you get yourself a nice, permanent job... with the home office in Atlanta?" "Atlanta?" "You can't be serious." "That's Siberia with mint juleps!" "Mac, I've had it." "I want to go home." "Give me one good reason." "All right." "Cindy has to have her teeth straightened." "Tommy is ten years old." "He's never had a peanut butter sandwich." "And for a change, I'd like to see "Gunsmoke"... not in German or Portuguese or Swahili!" "You want to go home and pay taxes?" "We've got it made..." "Big house, servants... limousine, fat expense account... and you want to give all that up... for a peanut butter sandwich?" "Oh, it's a great life for you." "Everywhere we go, you find yourself... some friendly secretary... who gives language lessons on the side." "What does that mean?" "I can always tell when you've got a new teacher." "You start wearing your elevator shoes to the office." "Phyllis, are you implying..." "I've known it for years." "And you never said anything to me about it?" "That's not fair!" "I just didn't want to be one of those nagging American wives... but maybe I was wrong." "Maybe we should have had it out a long time ago." "How is she, doctor?" "Perfectly normal." "She keeps asking for somebody named Otto." "Otto?" "Never heard of him." "But she's going to be all right." "Hundert prozent." "You will be happy to know that the young lady is..." "How do you say it in English?" "Schwanger?" "Schwanger?" "What's that?" "You're the one who's studying German." "Schwanger." "You know." "Such a dummkopf I am!" "Schwanger." "Schwanger, schwanger." "I know what it means." "What?" "You told me not to use words like that." "Come on!" "You want me to tell you?" "Please!" "Scarlett's gonna have puppies." "What?" "She's pregnant?" "That is the word." "Pregnant!" "Auf Wiedersehen." "Schwanger is pregnant." "Pregnant is schwanger." "Mother of mercy." "Is this the end of Little Rico?" "All right, children, back to your room." "Get ready for bed." "I wonder what it's like to work for Pepsi Cola." "Please, Phyllis." "So tomorrow, Mr. and Mrs. Hazeltine... will arrive at the airport... and there will be little Scarlett... unchanged, unspoiled, unwed, just slightly schwanger." "Cheers." "Phyllis, I'm trying to think!" "Think fast, Mr. Moto... because there will be a few questions asked... like, for instance, who's the father?" "I'll have the answers when the time comes." "You better have Otto when the time comes." "Otto?" "That would be disaster!" "Let me see." "She was secretly married... to somebody in the American embassy." "They were honeymooning in the Alps... and he was killed by an avalanche." "Nah!" "That's no good." "He was sent on a secret mission behind the Iron Curtain... never heard from again!" "As a matter of fact, the whole thing was so secret... we can't even mention his name." "Now you're really running amuck." "You think Scarlett is going to stand still for..." "Better a dead hero than a live Communist." "First thing in the morning..." "I'll pick up a distinguished service medal." "It was awarded to him posthumously." "And while you're at it, pin one on yourself..." "First-class heel with oak leaf cluster." "Well, what do you want me to do?" "I had enough trouble getting the guy into jail." "It's gonna be ten times as tough to get him out!" "Schlemmer!" "Don't click your heels." "Schlemmer, I'm gonna need you tonight." "I'll pick you up in front of your house... in exactly ten minutes." "Meanwhile, call Ingeborg." "Tell her it's an emergency." "We'll pick her up in exactly twelve minutes." "Over and out!" "Wo fahren Sie hin?" "Ost Berlin." " Papiere." " American citizen." "What is purpose of your visit?" "I'm going to see Commissar Peripetchikoff... chairman of the Russian Trade Commission." " What for?" " On business." "I represent Coca-Cola." "Coca-Cola?" "You have proof?" "Will this do?" "I confiscate proof." "Fair enough." "Just return the empties." "OK." "Proceed." "If I may say so, this whole idea is crazy." "It will not work." "I can feel it." "And I'm scared." "Pull yourself together, Schlemmer." " That's an order." " Yes, sir." "I'm scared, also." "Not for myself." "I only worry something will happen to my new dress." "I'll buy you a half a dozen dresses." "They're staying at the Grand Hotel Potemkin." "Do you know where that is?" "Yes, sir." "It used to be the Great Hotel Göring... and before that, it was the Great Hotel Bismarck." "Hey!" "Gospodin MacNamara." "If it isn't my old friend Hart, Schaffner, and Karl Marx." "I see you bring blond lady with you." "Ring a ding ding." "Sit down!" "Sit down, my friends." " Join us." " Right here, Fräulein." "I said Karl Marx, not Groucho." "To what do we owe this unexpected pleasure?" "Well, you're a trade commission." "I thought we might trade." "Coca-Cola?" "No, but I hear you boys would like..." "Fräulein Ingeborg to go to work for you." "You want to trade your secretary?" " Right." " For Russian secretary?" " Wrong." " I do not blame you." "Ours is built like bowlegged samovar." "We find proposition very interesting." "Now, what can we offer you?" "Actually, all I want from you is a small favor." "Small favor, big favor... anything." "There's a guy named Otto Ludwig Piffl." "He's being held by the East German police." "For what reason?" "Son of a gun stole my cuckoo clock." " You want cuckoo clock back?" " Wrong." " You want Piffl back?" " Right." "Impossible, my friend." "We cannot interfere with internal affairs... of Sovereign Republic of East Germany." "No Piffl, no deal." "Let's go, Ingeborg." "Wait!" "What is the hurry?" "You're not giving us a chance." "Is old Russian proverb." "You cannot milk cow with hands in pockets." "Herr Robert!" "Vodka!" "Caviar!" "Herr Kapellmeister!" "More rock'n'roll!" "Hey!" "You like this caviar?" "We give you a hundred pounds." "I want Piffl." "Would you take new automobile?" "1961 Moskvich hardtop convertible... two-toned." "You mean that Russian hot rod parked outside?" "Is wonderful car." "Is exact copy of 1937 Nash." "Not interested." "We will give you Chinese cigarettes..." "Armenian rugs..." "Bulgarian yogurt?" "Piffl or nothing." "I know what." "We have warehouse full of Spam left over from lend-lease." "It's 5:00, and we're getting nowhere." "Ingeborg, put your shoes on." "One more minute, please." "Summit conference!" "Before we make deal, we want right of inspection." "I veto it." "I thought so." "Well, comrades, what are we going to do?" "He's got it, we want it." "Are we going to accept... his blackmailing capitalistic deal?" " Let us take a vote." " I vote yes." "Two out of three." "Deal is on." "Comrades, before we get in trouble..." "I must warn you..." "I'm not really from Soft Drink Secretariat." "I'm undercover agent assigned to watch you." "In that case, I vote no." "Deal is off." "But I vote yes." "Two out of three again!" "Deal is on." "OK, kids, strip for action." "It was an itsy-bitsy teeny-weeny." "Yellow polka dot bikini." "Nein." "That she wore for the first time today." "An itsy-bitsy teeny-weeny yellow polka dot bikini." "So in the locker she wanted to stay." "Nein!" "C.I.A.?" "Nein." "Nein." "C.I.A..." "Borodenko." "Amerikanischer Spion?" "Moment." "Did you hear that?" "He is a confessed American spy." "In that case, I want nothing to do with it... because if they ever find out in Moscow..." "He's right." "No secretary is worth that risk." "On the other hand... why should they find out in Moscow?" "I will not inform them." "But if they do find out... then we just cross the border into West Berlin." "That is easy for you to say." "You are a bachelor." "But if I defect... you know what they will do to my family?" "They will line them up against the wall and shoot them..." "My wife and my mother-in-law... and my sister-in-law and my brother-in-law." "Comrades, let's do it." "You tried to bamboozle us." "You say he's cuckoo clock thief." "We know he's American spy." "Shh." "You'd better get him out of here before we all get into trouble." "Right." "It's a pleasure to do business with you boys." "Wait!" "Where is blond lady?" "I'll send her right over." "Oh, you poor baby." " Did you hurt yourself?" " Let me help you." "He has bamboozled us again." "Those Russians..." "I hope they were not too disappointed." "That's their problem." "Actually, they were very cute." "I can't decide which one I like the best... the big fat one or the bald one." "That's Schlemmer's problem." "Fritz, what's that behind us?" "Looks like a 1937 Nash." "OK." "Step on it." "Halt!" "You remember us." "We came through earlier." "You wait." "Here is empties." "Let's go, Fritz." "Itsy-bitsy teeny-weeny yellow polka dot bikini." "Drop dead." "That's enough, Ingeborg." "Cut it out!" "Why are you so unfriendly this morning?" "I thought everything was wunderbar." "Some wunderbar." "Can you imagine what's going to happen at noon... when the Hazeltines step off that plane... and get a load of their new son-in-law?" "You slob." "And when he opens his big fat red mouth... it's good-bye, Charlie." "Who is Charlie?" "Charles H. Kaput." "What's keeping Scarlett?" "I wish she'd get here." "I wish Schlemmer would get here..." "Or anyway, send my dress back." "What do you want in this..." "Cream, sugar?" "Just a couple of lumps of Benzedrine." "It's going to be a rough day." "You'd better put something on." "Your goose pimples are showing." "Ooh, that's nothing." "You should see my sister." "Where is he?" "Scarlett... before that maniac wakes up, I've got to talk to you." "There's only one way out of this mess." "Otto." "Otto, darling." "Otto, it's me..." "Scarlett." "Otto." "Otto, darling, wake up." " Otto." " Scarlett?" "Darling, I have something very exciting to tell you." "How did I get here?" "You!" "I should take that wedding present... and break it over your head." "That's gratitude after all the trouble I went through... to get you out of jail." " You got me into jail!" " So we're even." "You know, yesterday, when you didn't show up, I fainted." "It's all his fault." "Well, not entirely." "Don't you want to hear what the doctor said?" "Get him some coffee." "He's gonna need it." "From you, I don't need anything." "I'm gonna have a baby." "If my wife wasn't here... and if she wasn't gonna have a baby..." " What?" " That's right." "Liebchen!" "Oh!" "That's just what the world needs..." "Another bouncing baby Bolshevik." "I was so afraid you wouldn't want it." "Oh, you little fool." "I want dozens!" "So do I." "So does the Party." "They encourage it." "We must outproduce the West!" "I hear they got a new plan now." "Instead of one woman taking nine months to have a baby... they're gonna put nine women to work on it... and do it in one month." "The minute we arrive in Moscow... we must get on the waiting list... for the People's Maternity Ward... and the People's Obstetrician." "No." "I'd like to fly over my own doctor from Atlanta... and my own nurse and my governess." "What for?" "The State takes care of everything!" "At the age of six months, the baby will be enrolled... in the People's Nursery School." "Naturally, we will have visiting rights... every other Sunday." "Every other Sunday?" "You can bring him some pabulum with a file in it." "Imperialist stooge!" "And of course, we'll see him on May Day." "He'll be marching by in the parade." "We can wave to him." "You can also wave to him on Lenin's birthday... and on Yuri Gagarin's birthday." "That kid will be parading all the time." "Well, at least it'll keep him off the streets." "The tickets." "Where are the tickets?" "We must find out when the next train leaves for Moscow." "Forget it, Piffl." "You're not going to Moscow." "You can't even get back to East Berlin." "Why not?" "Because you're an American spy." "Who said so?" "You did." "Don't you remember last night at the police station?" "You signed a confession..." "An amerikanischer Spion." "Nein." "Ja!" "Isn't that thrilling?" "Darling, why didn't you tell me?" "But I'm..." "I'm not a spy!" "It's not true!" "Makes you think, doesn't it... about all those other confessions they get?" "Another hour, and they'd have had you... confessing to germ warfare in Laos." "You did this to me." "You mean I gave you the third degree?" "Or was it your Communist chums?" "You will come with me." "You will tell them it was a trick." "Are you kidding?" "Do you think they'd believe me, an imperialist stooge?" "I shall kill you!" "Take it easy, kid, or you'll wind up... in the People's Emergency Hospital." "Otto, darling, what are we gonna call the baby?" "My dress!" "What did you do to my dress?" "Schlemmer." "Yes, sir." "I'm sorry I didn't shave this morning." "Look at my dress." "It's ruined." "You have any trouble getting out of East Berlin?" "No, but I had a little trouble in West Berlin." "I was picked up by an American soldier in a Jeep." "He was very fresh..." "Wanted to take my picture for something called "Playboy"?" "Get out of those silly clothes." "We've got a lot of work to do." "Yes, sir." "If I can have my suit." "It's in your office." "And it's gonna be such fun shopping." "We need a bassinet and a crib and a layette... and we have to run down to Paris for a few days." "They have some marvy maternity clothes... at Christian Dior's." "Darling, you have to forget all that." "We can't even afford milk for the baby." "Oh, the doctors have a whole new theory." "Milk's the worst thing for babies." "Scarlett, don't you understand?" "I am through, finished, ausgespielt." "To the Communists, I'm an American spy." "To the Americans, I'm a Communist." "I have nothing..." "No home, no job... not even my motorcycle." "That's tough." "All you got is a rich wife." "He's right." "In January, when I'm eighteen..." "Daddy's giving me ten thousand shares of Coca-Cola stock." "I'm a worker, not a gigolo!" "I will not take any money from you." "You bet you won't!" "Because when your father finds out who you married... he'll cut you off without a red cent." "You should pardon the expression." "I guess so." "Daddy has a fit every time I order anything... with Russian dressing." "Looks bad, doesn't it?" "But it's a good thing I like you kids." "I'm gonna help you... if idiot-boy here will cooperate." "You go to hell!" "Long distance." "Mr. Hazeltine calling from London." "London?" "Uh-oh." "The bloodhounds are closing in." "Hello?" "Yes, Mr. Hazeltine." "This is MacNamara." "MacNamara, I'm gonna have your head for this." "What do you mean, for what?" "We get off at the London airport... to change planes... and there's this telegram waiting for me." ""Congratulations."" ""You are going to be a grandfather."" ""Signed, MacNamara."" "Is this your idea of a joke?" "No, it's not my idea of a joke." "Did somebody send a telegram to your father?" "Yes, Mrs. MacNamara." "Oh, she did." "Yes, it's true." "We didn't want you to be too surprised... when you got here." "MacNamara, I send you a sweet, pure, innocent girl... who isn't even eighteen yet, and..." "What?" "It's all right, Melanie." "She's married." "Oh, thank heaven." "Wait a minute, MacNamara!" "Not so fast!" "Just exactly who is she married to?" "Oh, uh, I wouldn't worry about it." "He's a wonderful boy..." "Handsome, cultured... comes from one of the best families in Europe." "You'll be crazy about him." "Yes, sir." "We'll bring him along to the airport with us." "Happy landing." "Schlemmer!" "What are you up to now?" "All those lies." "You can't fool Daddy that easy." "I didn't say it was gonna be easy... but we sure can try." "Try what?" "We're gonna turn this crumb bum into a perfect son-in-law... and we've got exactly three hours and two minutes... to do it in." "Oh, I get it." "Isn't he clever?" "Schlemmer!" "I categorically refuse!" "Sorry, sir." "I had difficulty getting out of the girdle." "Schlemmer, I want all of those people out there... to drop everything and stand by for orders." "General alarm, complete mobilization." "Ah!" "Like the good old days." "Yes, sir." "I will not be a party to this scheme." "OK, if you don't love your wife." "I worship her!" "You know there's nothing I wouldn't do for you... but I will not compromise my principles!" "And I'd do anything for you... even if we had to starve together... but we can't ask the baby to starve, not at his age!" "See, you're upsetting your wife." "Think of her condition." "I will not be turned into a capitalist!" "Once you are a son-in-law in good standing..." "I don't care what you do." "You can steal the formula to Coca-Cola... and square yourself with Moscow." "But at noon today... you are going to look and act like a gentleman!" "Everybody at their posts awaiting orders." "All right." "Here we go." "First, get a barber and a manicurist... up to the office." "Next, call my lawyer." "I want him here immediately." "Next, I want to speak to the manager... of the Berlin Hilton." "Next, get ahold of what's-his-name..." "You know, that moth-eaten count... the one that used to hang around at the Cafe Wien." "Count Von Droste-Schattenburg?" "That's the one." "I want to see him right away." "Yes, sir." "And send Ingeborg in here with pad and pencil." " Yes, sir." " Schnellmachen. 1, 2, 3!" " Ja!" " All right." "Next, we'd better start cleaning him up." " Over there." " I've agreed to nothing!" "Is it against the party line to use indoor plumbing?" "Come on, darling." "It won't hurt a bit." "Even if it hurts, mit the hot water mit the soap." " Yes, Mr. MacNamara." " Ready?" "Always ready." "First, call..." "Reinhardt and Reinhardt custom tailors... and have them send up everything they've got in their shop..." "Single-breasted, three-buttoned, narrow lapels, medium-gray to dark blue, size... uh, thirty-nine regular." "Next, call Pleschke the haberdasher." "I want to see some shirts." "Broadcloth, plain or tab collar... size... 15 1/2, 34." "Shorts... nylon or cotton, size thirty-two." "Socks..." "French lisle, dark-toned, size 11 1/2." "Ties... not too wide, not too narrow, not too fancy." "Also, pajamas, handkerchiefs... cuff links, suspenders, et cetera, et cetera." "Next, call Hochstaetter's." "Have them deliver some shoes..." "British or Italian models... brown and black, size 9B." "Yes, Fritz." "No, Fritz." "I need you." "Sleepy or not sleepy, everybody works today." "Next, call any first-class hatter." "I want an assortment of hats..." "No porkpies, none of that Tyrolean jazz, size 7 3/8." "Uh, correction..." "After we cut his hair, 7 1/8." "Next, call that department store on Tauenzienstrasse." "Have them bring up a matched set of men's luggage... cowhide or pigskin." "Next, call the Ritz jewelers." "I want to see a selection of gold wedding rings." "Also, engagement rings..." "Diamond solitaire... no less than two carats, no more than four." "Make sure he scrubs behind his ears." "Next, call Kottler's Restaurant." "Have them send up one deluxe seven-course dinner... and one complete table setting." "Next, call a florist, and have them make up... a bouquet of chrysanthemums." "Also, two boutonnieres..." "White carnations." "Any questions?" "Yes." "Can I go home and get some clothes?" "At a time like this?" "Dressed or not dressed, everybody works today." "Now get with it." "Haarschnitt." " Manicure?" " Not me... him." "Take him into the conference room... and chop that mop off." "Jawohl." "And give him a shave and a manicure." "Jawohl." " No!" " What do you mean, no?" "No manicure." "It's a symbol of bourgeois decadence and insecurity." "Oh, sure." "In Russia, everybody is so secure... they chew their nails off." "Come on, darling." "Nobody will ever know." "You can wear gloves." "Gloves?" "Why don't you ask me to wear striped pants?" "Ingeborg, when you talk to that tailor..." "I also want some striped pants... a morning coat, and a white waistcoat." "I have located Count Von Droste-Schattenburg." "Good!" "He's working the men's room at the Kempinski Hotel." "How soon can he get here?" "Well, this is his busy time of the day." "He wants to know if you can come there." "Absolutely not." "I'll tell him." "And your lawyer is here." "Come in!" "Ah, Herr MacNamara, isn't this a glorious day?" "Cut the schmooze." "Now, listen, Zeidlitz." "Here's what I want you to do." "It has already been done." "Complete success." "The young lady can consider herself unmarried." "Unmarried?" "It wasn't easy... but I managed to liberate that marriage license... from the files in East Berlin just like you ordered." "It's that damned German efficiency." "That's all I need now..." "An illegitimate baby on my hands." "I beg your pardon." "He's bringing the shoes." "Shoes?" "Unpack them." "Let's see what you've got." "I want you to go back to East Berlin... and put that marriage license right back in the file." "If you say so." "But first, I want you to draw up some adoption papers." " For the baby?" " No, for Otto Ludwig Piffl." "We're going to have him adopted... by a real honest-to-goodness, blue-blooded aristocrat." " Oh, a baron." " Better than that." "The guy who is working in the men's room... at the Kempinski." " Who?" " Leave the name blank." "I haven't made the deal yet." "Now get to work." "In there." "Next, shoes." "No, no." "Nothing with tassels." "Those are all right." "Alligator?" "That's for bandleaders." "Those are OK." "OK." "Totally unacceptable." "Full of holes." "Guten Morgen." "Reinhardt from Reinhardt and Reinhardt." "Be right with you." "I'll take those and those but not those." "Now, what have we got here?" "Latest English styles." "All fabrics imported." "They look more like they were deported." "Too loud." "Too quiet." "All right... but take the padding out of the shoulders." "That's not bad." "Belt on the back?" "I thought that went out with high-buttoned shoes." "High-buttoned shoes?" "I have some right here." "Never mind." "Take that stuff... into the conference room." "I want these ready in twenty-four hours." "Twenty-four hours?" "Where's the morning coat and striped pants?" "My assistant is bringing them." "Those I want fitted right away." " Schmuck." " What did you say?" "Schmuck." "Jewelry." "Oh." "Come with me." "You, too." "Sitzen machen." "A strong, healthy girl like you, you should not be cutting nails." "You should be cutting wheat in the Ukraine." "No, no." "Leave it a little longer... on the sides, like Sal Mineo." "Pick a couple of wedding rings." "Left foot, please." "Do you like these?" "Gold?" "Never." "I prefer the honest steel of the guns of Stalingrad." "Come on." "You guys are always yakking about disarmament." "We might as well start right here and now." "Stand up, please." "He's also giving you an engagement ring." " He is?" " I am?" "They're too big." "I assume the gentleman will wear socks." "Not if I can help it." "Waist thirty-one." "Sit down, please." "I want this one." "How much?" "Eight thousand marks." "Thank you, darling." "Wait!" "Who's paying for this foolishness?" "Relax." "You've got assets..." "All that Coca-Cola stock." "You expect me to sit on my assets... and just clip coupons?" "Don't worry." "The baby will clip the coupons." "We'll put all the money in his name." "Sit down, please." "I will not have my son grow up to be a capitalist!" "When he's eighteen, he can decide for himself... whether he wants to be a capitalist... or a rich Communist." "Yes?" "Who?" "The manager of the Berlin Hilton?" "Put him on." "Over there." "Hello?" "I want to reserve the bridal suite." "Yes, checking in today." "I didn't ask you how much it cost." "This is for the son-in-law of an American millionaire." "Double bed, naturally." "Silk sheets." "Tell them we don't need a table and chairs." "We're going to have all our meals in bed." "Never mind the silk sheets." "Just make it a tablecloth and two napkins." "Silk sheets, diamond rings, bridal suites." "What is this, "La Dolce Vita"?" "Hey!" "What are you doing?" "Stop it!" "Are you crazy?" "The haberdasher's in your office." "Keep an eye on the Kremlin Kid." "There's a newspaperman here to see you from the "Tageblatt."" "Not today." "Sitzen machen." "No, no." "White shirts only." "Two dozen." "French cuff." "Jawohl." "Handkerchiefs, OK." "Socks, fine." "If he objects, we'll just have to paint his feet black." " Jawohl." " Where are the pajamas?" "Right here." "OK." "OK." "What's this?" "They're beautiful." " They are terrible." " They are terrible." "Let's see the ties." "Jawohl, nix, jawohl, jawohl... definitely nix." "This is the best." "It is mine." "Take it off." "I'm buying it." "Good morning, Phyllis." "Looks like the Berlin branch of Macy's Basement." "You have no idea." "It's a rat race around here." "And I know the rat." "This robe, it is jawohl or nix?" "Sit down, Phyllis." "I'll be right with you." "Don't bother." "I just want something from the safe." " What's the combination?" " 22-5-17." "All right." "Throw that robe in... and start taking this stuff into the conference room." " Jawohl." " That guy in there... don't tell him those are French cuffs... not with the Algerian situation the way it is." "What are you looking for?" "Here they are." "The passports." "Passports?" "I'm flying back to the states, and I'm taking the kids with me." " You're what?" " You heard me." "What are you sore about now?" "I got Otto back, didn't I?" "I'm remodeling him." "Somebody should do a little job on you." "Good-bye, Mac." "Phyllis, you can't walk out on me like this." "I'm not walking out." "I'm just going back where I belong... and any time you'd care to join us... we'll be waiting for you." "The adoption papers, they are ready." "Heraus." "What's come over you, Phyllis?" "After sixteen years..." "Maybe after sixteen years... every marriage gets a little stale... like a leftover glass of beer." "Look, Phyllis, can't we discuss this problem... without bringing up a rival beverage?" "I hope these vaccination certificates are still good." "Look, Phyllis, you knew the kind of a guy I was... when you married me." "Apparently not." "I'm not one of those suburban jokers... 9:00 to 5:00 in the office, home on the commuter train... cut the grass every weekend." "Turns out I married Marco Polo." "Well, it wasn't all that bad, those sixteen years." "We've had some fun." "Remember Teheran when Cindy was born... driving 12 miles to the hospital in a Coca-Cola truck?" "Some fun." "And remember when I had Tommy?" "Do I ever." "Right in the Zurich airport." "We had a hell of a time getting him out of customs." "And how about our honeymoon, that wonderful week in Waikiki?" "Yeah, me upstairs putting perfume behind my ears." "You downstairs at a soft drink convention." "Four hundred men running around in grass skirts." "I should have said aloha right then and there." "Now, be a good girl and give me those." "Let's talk this over." "All right." "I'm willing." "But not right now." "The Hazeltines will be here at noon." "I've got a deadline." "You've got a deadline with me." "Phyllis, baby, I love you." "Take my word for it." "Everything is going to be fine." "We'll be living in London." "Tommy can go to Oxford." "Cindy can watch the changing of the guard." "We can afford one of those snooty butlers... kippers and marmalade for breakfast... riding to hounds." "I will not be caught dead in striped pants." "They're for bankers and war profiteers." "Actually, they were ordered... by the ambassador from the People's Republic of Yugoslavia." "We will deal with Tito when the time comes." "Meanwhile, take them off and fix them." "They're much too big." "In front of the lady?" "Oh, yeah, I..." "I forgot." "He doesn't wear shorts." "No wonder they're winning the Cold War." "All right." "In the other room." "Don't go away, Phyllis." "Ingeborg, get him some shorts." "Sitzen machen." "Good morning, Mrs. MacNamara." "Guten Morgen." "Shorts." "Let me see." "Where are the shorts?" "You could use some yourself." "Oh, I don't want you to think..." "I come to the office like this every day." "That's a load off my mind." "It's just that last night..." "Mr. MacNamara made me take my dress off." "Playful, isn't he?" "Oh, he had a perfect right to." "After all, he paid for it." "Well, that makes all the difference." "No, no, no." "You don't understand." "It's part of my job..." "what you call fringe benefits." "How do you like that?" "The son of a... is starting his own Marshall Plan." "Oh, here." "I go now." "We both go now." "Will you please give my husband a message?" "Tell him I said aloha." "Aloha?" "That's Hawaiian for "get lost."" "What's holding up those shorts?" "Right here." "And your wife said to tell you aloha." "That's Hawaiian for "get lost."" "Phyllis!" "The dinner, where do you want it?" "In the conference room." "Phyllis!" "Mr. MacNamara, my name is Untermeier." "I'm a reporter from the "Tageblatt."" "Don't bother me." "Some other time." "But this is important." "We have information that Miss Hazeltine of Coca-Cola... married somebody in East Berlin... a member of the Communist Party." "Sitzen machen." "I will not wear these." "They look ridiculous." "They serve no useful purpose." "Darling, it's just a convention." "Back home, we even put panties on lamb chops." "They are drip and dry." "50% nylon." "Nylon?" "That's DuPont." "I'll wear no monopoly." "They're also 50% cotton." "That'll help... those sharecroppers in Mississippi." "All right." "Sit down." "Let's see how you eat." "Eat?" "That's the first good idea he's had." "I'm starving." "No, not like that." "Start with the first course." "We have to teach him some table manners." "No, no." "One at a time." "And use the asparagus tongs, darling." "The what?" "Those little grabbers over there." "Why can't I have my chicken?" "Luggage." "OK." "Fill those up... and take them over to the bridal suite at the Hilton." "You want initials on the bags?" "Initials?" "He doesn't even have a name yet." "No!" "He's right, darling." "Always white wine with chicken." "Out of a glass, stupid." "Yeah, you know everything." "Which wine to drink, which fork to use for fish... which knife to stab the proletariat in the back with." "How would you like a little fruit for dessert?" "The Count is waiting in the office." "All right." "Scarlett, keep working on him." "Here, darling." "Use the finger bowl." "No, no." "Don't pack his old clothes." "What shall we do with them?" "Burn them, but first have them disinfected." "Wait a minute!" "My party membership book is in there." "I'm paid up till December." "Sitzen machen." "Hello there." "Waldemar Von Droste-Schattenburg." "MacNamara Von Omaha, Nebraska." "Would you mind telling me why I was summoned here?" "Because every minute I am away from my post... it costs me two marks in tips." "OK." "I'll lay it on the line." "How would you like to become a father?" "At my age?" "There's a young man I'd like you to adopt..." "And the tip is two thousand marks." "Good day, sir." "Hold on there, Count." "Just because I am reduced... to earning my living in a washroom... does not mean that I'm willing to peddle... the honor and dignity of my family name." "The Von Droste-Schattenburgs date back to the Second Crusade." "We have one of the oldest bloodlines in Europe... and one of the most inbred." "I am a direct descendant of Philip the Bleeder." "So your proposition is not only preposterous... it is highly insulting." "Make it ten thousand marks." "I'll give you three thousand." "Please." "I just told you..." "I come from a long line of bleeders... so don't cut the price." "Four thousand." "I will have you know... that I am distantly related to ex-King Farouk of Egypt." "Thirty-five hundred." "What happened to four thousand?" "It's a deal." "Ingeborg, send Piffl in here." "For an additional 500 marks, I will include the family crest." "What is it, two cakes of soap on a field of paper towels?" "A porcupine rampant on a field of Fleur-de-lis." "You may also have a photograph of the Schattenburg Castle... unfortunately destroyed during the war." "American Air Force?" "No." "Turkish cavalry. 1683." "You can't just order me around..." ""Come here, sit there, do this, eat that!"" "Darling, hold still." "I can't get your cuff link in." "Is this the lucky young man?" "That's him." "Meet your father." "My father?" "Ah, my dear boy." "I'm sure you will be a credit to the family." "It could use a little credit." "What is all this?" "You're being adopted." "Adopted?" "Just like that, without even asking me?" "This is not only devious, it's unilateral." "My eye." "What's the matter with my eye?" " This is your daughter-in-law." " Gnädige Frau." "Scarlett, I've got something in my eye!" "It's a monocle." "Looks cute on you." "A monocle?" "How sneaky can you get?" "Go in there and sign the papers... and give this to the cashier on the way out." "Thank you." "What do you think you're doing?" "It's on the house, no charge." "Good-bye, my son." "Now, I want you kids to memorize your new name." "You are the Count and Countess Von Droste-Schattenburg." "Count?" "Countess!" "That means everybody has to curtsy to me... except maybe Grace Kelly." "Nobody will curtsy to you." "I refuse to join the aristocracy." "They're all leeches... bleeding the underprivileged masses." "Not the Von Droste-Schattenburgs." "They bleed themselves." "Take him into the other room and get him dressed." "And now that he's got a name... there are some things I want him to sign." "What things?" "First, I'm turning over my limousine... and my chauffeur to you." "All I want is my motorcycle back." "Whoever heard of a countess in a sidecar?" "Besides, where will we put the baby?" "And have him fill out these applications..." "Golf club, Diners Club..." "Blue Cross, Book of the Month Club..." "Fruit of the Month Club." "I will sign nothing." "I will join nothing." "But, darling, it's the American way of life." "American way of life." "Unemployment, discrimination... gangsterism, juvenile delinquency... but under our new twenty-year plan... we will catch up with you." "Lots of luck." "Ingeborg, get the manager of the bottling plant... up here right away... and see if you can find me a sign painter in a hurry." "What M.P.s?" "What can I do for you boys?" "Are you the head man around here?" "That's me." "We have a report from one of our G.I.s... you've got a female employee here... who's an enemy agent." "Enemy agent?" "What would you call a dame that's running around... with "Yankee go home" tattooed on her chest?" "Somebody must be pulling your leg." "Maybe and maybe not." "Mind if we look around?" "Be my guest." "Oh, OK, buster." "Let's go." "You sent for me, sir?" "Krause, as manager of the bottling plant... you're always complaining that you need more help." "Yes, sir." "We're very busy downstairs." "Well, cheer up." "You're going to get an assistant." " Who?" " You." " Me?" " That's right." "The new manager of the bottling plant... is Otto Von Droste-Schattenburg." "I refuse." "Your position may be lower, but your pay will be higher." "I accept." "All right." "Into the conference room." "You've got fifteen minutes... to teach this guy everything you know... about the bottling business." "I can't thank you enough." "Out." "Bertha, let me talk to Mrs. MacNamara." "What do you mean she packed up and left?" "Mit die Kinder?" "Where did they go?" "Into a taxi." "Thanks a lot." "Mr. MacNamara, I don't want to take up your time... so if you'll just let me talk to Miss Hazeltine." "About what?" "About her marriage to that Communist in East Berlin." "I'd like a statement before we print the story." "There is no story, and there's no Communist." "But we know she got married." "Sure she did, to Count Otto Von Droste-Schattenburg." " Who?" " Otto the Bleeder." "Goes all the way back to the Second Crusade... a Turkish cavalry." "Here's the family castle." "Painter." "Oh, uh... come with me." "Sitzen machen." "I want you to paint this crest on the door of a car." "How long will it take?" "That's too long." "Look, my Mercedes is parked downstairs." "Oh, excuse me." " Miss Hazeltine?" " Yes?" "How do you spell your husband's name?" "P-I-f-f-I." "Piffl?" "I thought it was Von Droste-Schattenburg." "Oh, that." "You mustn't believe... everything Mr. MacNamara tells you." "He fixed it all up... so that Daddy wouldn't find out Otto's a Red." "Mm-hmm." "In the beginning, I didn't like Mr. MacNamara... but he's been just marvy." "That's enough out of you, Countess." "Did I say something wrong?" "Buzz off, will you?" "You said there was no story... and it's getting better and better." "How much do you want to forget the whole thing?" "You think you can buy a German newspaperman?" "I never tried before." "Maybe in America your journalists are for sale... but here in Germany..." "The adoption papers." "All signed and notarized." "Herr Oberleutnant." "You two know each other?" "He was my commanding officer." "In the subway?" "No, after that, when I was drafted." "Aha!" "Gestapo." "No, no." "S.S." "Halten Sie doch den Mund, Idiot." "Well, Herr Oberleutnant... is there anything else I can do for you?" "No, thank you." "I have all the facts." "Union between two... internationally prominent families..." "The Hazeltines and the Von Droste-Schattenburgs." "The social event of the year." "It will be in the afternoon paper." "It had better be." " Auf Wiedersehen." " Sieg heil." "As for you, Schlemmer... you're back in the S.S... smaller salary." "Sir, let me explain." "I was only a pastry cook in the officers' mess." "Ingeborg, I want to speak to the maitre d' at the Hilton." "I was a very bad pastry cook." "11:00." "Where are the hats?" "Where are the flowers?" "We're running behind schedule." "Yes, sir." "Manfred, I'd like to arrange an intimate little banquet..." "The Count and Countess Von Droste-Schattenburg... honoring his in-laws, the Wendell P. Hazeltines." "Have you got a polka-dot dress?" "Look, Fräulein, haben Sie eine tattoo on your, um... glockenspiel?" "Any broads working in this office?" "No, sir." "Just me." " Oh." " Look, Sarge, polka dots." "It fits the description." "Hey, whose dress is that?" "I don't know." "I never saw it before." "We'd better check it out." "Corporal, I'm relieving myself of duty." "Better take me back to the base... and turn me in for psychiatric observation." "What's the matter, Sarge?" "She's in there, all right." "I saw her..." "Naked as a jaybird." "Has she got the tattoo on her chest?" "So what's wrong, Sarge?" "Fellas, you won't believe this... but one of them is yellow." "One of them is green." "Take me away!" "Now, for the entree... we'll have venison and hominy grits." "How do I know where you get hominy grits?" "Try the Army PX." "For dessert, peaches flambe a la Hazeltine." "WINE:" "King-size Coca-Cola in individual ice buckets." "TABLE DECORATION:" "The Von Droste-Schattenburg... coat of arms with crossed flags..." "German and Confederate." "MUSIC: "Dixie," "Swanee River," "Waiting for the Robert E. Lee,"" "but not, I repeat not, "Marching Through Georgia."" "You really want to make me the boss of the bottling plant?" "It's a must so your father-in-law... won't think you're just a titled beatnik... sponging off your wife." "I'm going to like this job." "It's about time you started to cooperate." "You know what the first thing is I'm going to do?" "I'm going to lead the workers down there in revolt!" "Put you pants on, Spartacus." "Yeah." "Ingeborg, call the airport... and find out if the 12:00 plane from London is on time." "Yes, Mr. MacNamara." "Soft drink slaves of the world arise!" "Smash those bottles... pour that syrup down the sewers..." " Remember me?" " Commissar Peripetchikoff." "Well." "Well is the one thing I am not." "You are a Russian commissar?" "For the last time, you have made fool of me!" "He fooled me, too." "Listen, Commissar... you must help me and my wife get into the Soviet Zone." "There may be a little problem." "Yeah, everybody's coming this way." "Fifteen hundred people a day." "You want to fight all that traffic?" "I'm a party member, paid up till December." "They need me there." "I'm a missile scientist." "Ah, that is one field where we're ahead of America." "In Cape Canaveral, if missile goes wrong... they press special button and pow!" "It blows up... but in Russia, we have two buttons." "Two buttons!" "One to blow up missile, one to blow up scientist." "What kind of a commissar are you?" "An ex-commissar." "You've defected?" "Is old Russian proverb..." "Go west, young man." "What happened to your pals Mishkin and Borodenko?" "In ambulance on the way from Brandenburg Gate..." "I snitched Borodenko's Secret Police badge... and had them both arrested." "You betrayed your own comrades?" "If I don't do it to them, they do it to me." "Is old Russian proverb." "You're worse than he is." "Look, my young friend." "I don't want to be name-dropper... but what do you think Khrushchev did to Malenkov?" "What do you think Stalin did to Trotsky?" "Is everybody in this world corrupt?" "I don't know everybody." "Maybe we should liquidate the whole human race... and start all over again." "Look at it this way, kid." "Any world that can produce the Taj Mahal..." "William Shakespeare, and striped toothpaste... can't be all bad." "The trousers, you can try them on." "Take him with you." "From now on, I fight alone." "It's Piffl against everybody and everything!" "See what I'm up against?" "He can't even remember his own name." "To get back to me..." "What do you want... money?" "Certainly not." "I will be rich man now." "You remember those twenty carloads of Swiss cheese?" "What about them?" "I have tremendous scheme." "I will trade them for twenty carloads of sauerkraut... then I will silver-plate the sauerkraut... and sell it in the United States... for Christmas tree decorations." "You're a cinch." "But for this, I need bilingual secretary... and you promised me blond lady." "You came at the right time... because I'm moving to London anyway." "The only thing is..." "I don't know how to break the news to her." "Ingeborg!" "It's not going to be easy." "She's crazy about me." "Yes, Mr. MacNamara." "A classified ad to run in all papers." "International businessman..." "Overweight but cute..." "Needs executive secretary." "Fringe benefits include extensive travel... large wardrobe allowance... liberal retirement plan..." "I take the job." "You've got it." "Good-bye." "Good luck." "And what about that call to Templehof?" "Oh, the plane will be ten minutes early." "10 minutes early?" "That's a hell of a way to run an airline." "Planes are supposed to be late, not early." "Oh, I never want to see him again." "I never want to speak to him." "I want a divorce." "What's the matter now?" "He doesn't want the baby." "He says nobody should bring children... into a world like this." "That miserable punk." "Why didn't he think of that before?" "After all I've gone through." "Where is he?" "I'm sorry, darling." "I didn't mean it." "Of course we're going to have the baby." "I love you." "Don't ever scare me like that again." "Maybe our children can make this a better place to live in... a world where men are created equal... and there's liberty and... and justice for all." "Congratulations." "You just quoted Thomas Jefferson..." "Abraham Lincoln... and the Pledge of Allegiance to the Flag." "I what?" "Come on." "Let's get going." "I take it into the other room and fix it." "We haven't got time." "Come with us." "Schlemmer!" "Sitzen machen." "Blumen." "Here." "This is for your mother-in-law." "Hutte." "Oh, in front." "You, paint from the inside." "Quick, to the airport." "Eins, zwei, drei." "All right!" "Watch that umbrella." "No, I don't like it." "Here." "You need some stuff for your pockets." "Money, cigarette case... lighter, picture of the castle." "Try this one, darling." "You'd better take my wristwatch, too." "Oh, that's my wrist." "Oh." "You know, darling, I don't think... you were meant to wear a hat." "I wasn't meant to be a count, either." "This is ridiculous." "Who's going to believe it?" "Calm down." "The only royalty we know in America... is Nat King Cole, Duke Snyder, and Earl Wilson." " Ouch!" " Oh, pardon." "Please, Liebchen, not that." "Anything but that." "All right." "Let's see if we have a black bowler." "Bowler, bowler." "Here's a list of what you owe me." " Owe you?" " All itemized." "MERCEDES LIMOUSINE:" "Twenty thousand marks." "COST OF ADOPTION:" "Forty-five hundred marks." "Suits, haberdashery, shoes, ET CETERA, ET CETERA:" "12,800 marks." "Luggage, flowers, 7-COURSE DINNER: 925 marks." "HAIRCUT AND MANICURE:" "Fourteen marks." "TIPS:" "Six marks." "I'm a very large tipper." "Wristwatch, cigarette case, LIGHTER WITH FLUID: 2,200 marks." "LOOSE CHANGE: 475 marks." "TOTAL: 41,020 marks, or $10,255." "You mean I have been a capitalist for three hours... and already I owe $10,000?" "That's what makes our system work." "Everybody owes everybody." "That's the one!" "Doesn't it look distinguished?" "Not bad." "11:46." "Faster, Fritz!" "Now, before you meet Daddy, I'd better warn you..." "There are certain things he feels very strongly about." "One is the Civil War." "Civil War?" "If the subject comes up, just say it was a draw." "Another is Coca-Cola." "Tell him we must look beyond the six-pack." "Why not a nine-pack or a twelve-pack?" "Then there's golf." "GOLF:" "The family that plays together stays together." "And the world situation..." "It's serious, but not hopeless." "And vivisection." "It shouldn't happen to a dog." "And Red China and income taxes... and Tennessee Williams." "Wait!" "Stop the car." "It's no use." "I can't remember all that." "Darling, you can't give up now." "Maybe we'll get lucky." "Maybe somebody hijacked the plane." "Now, honey, you let me handle this young man." "It'll take me just thirty seconds to find out... if he's one of those fortune hunters... or some kind of a crackpot." "Oh, dear." "I hope not." "You don't know these Europeans." "My poor honey child." "Where are they anyway?" "Tear them again, and I'll tear you apart." "Scarlett!" "Mother!" "Oh, let me look at you." "Dad." "Oh." "All right." "Now, where is he?" "Over here." "I want you to meet my husband Otto." "The Count Von Droste-Schattenburg." "Count Von what?" "This is my mother." "Your highness." "Please, not in the immediate family." "Oh, one of those... a hand-kisser." "And this is my father." "Hello, Dad." "How's your golf?" "I always say, the family that plays together..." "Never mind that." "There are a few questions I want to ask you." "Don't worry." "If it's a boy, we'll name him after you." "Wendell P. Von Droste-Schattenburg." "Von Droste what?" "We have to be very careful... when we change the baby's diapers." "Otto comes from a long line of bleeders." "Oh, isn't that nice?" "I always wanted Scarlett to be married... to a long line of something." "Now, MacNamara, tell me about this young man." "Who is he, and what does he do... besides slobber over women's hands?" "Don't let that title fool you." "He works for a living." "Doing what?" "As a matter of fact, he's head of our bottling plant." "He works for us?" "Best man I ever had." "Graduate engineer." "Took a lot of finagling... to get him away from our competitors." "You don't say." "Now, this is a picture of the family castle." "And this is my party membership... oops." "Wrong party." "And here's the family crest." "Oh!" "Well, you'll have to put that... on all your stationery and your silverware... and your underwear..." "Well, son, glad to have you on the team." "I suppose you two met in the bottling plant." "Oh, no." "We met in a parade." "He was carrying a picture of Khrushchev." "Khrushchev?" "Yes, with a big slogan on it... "Russki go home!"" "They threw him in jail for it." "My poor boy." "How is the situation here in Berlin?" "It shouldn't happen to a dog." "I mean it's a draw." "Actually, the situation is hopeless but not serious." "Hopeless but not..." "Say, the boy's got a head on his shoulders." "What did I tell you?" "May I have those?" "Fritz..." "Next." "Schlemmer!" "Take these to passport control." "One, two, three." "Yes, sir." "Next!" "Mom, Dad..." "I'm giving a little banquet tonight..." "Un petit dîner en famille." "Oh, he speaks French, too." " And Russian." " Russian?" "White Russian, of course." "Oh." "Now, Dad, there are a few ideas..." "I'd like to kick around with you." "Now, we must look beyond the six-pack." "Why not a nine-pack or a twelve-pack?" "Pan American Flight 17 to New York... via Frankfurt now boarding at Gate Five." "Phyllis!" "Mac!" "You came through 100%." "I did what I could." "Now I'm sure I found the right man... for the London job." "Thanks, Mr. Hazeltine." "It's just what we need..." "Somebody who's a good organizer... has a lot of drive, knows the business... speaks several languages." "Well, I studied every chance I had." "Yes, sir." "Absolutely the ideal man for this position." "And I'm not just saying that because he's my son-in-law." "How's that?" "It's not going to hurt our prestige any." "Head of European operations..." "Count Otto Von Droste-Schattenburg." "Oh, that's how it is." "As for you, Mac, you haven't been forgotten." "You're going all the way to the top now." "There's an opening in the home office... vice president in charge of procurement... and it is all yours." "Why are you so good to me?" "I know you must be dying to get back to Atlanta." "Dying is right." "Here you are, Count." "I won't be needing this anymore." "Thank you, old chap." "Bye, Countess." "Mr. MacNamara, I simply adore you." "Will you write to us?" "Better than that." "I'll send you some silver-plated sauerkraut... for Christmas." "Mom, can we have a Coke?" "You can have one on the plane." "I don't have any change." " I've got change." " Mac!" "Very nice of you to come down here to see me off." "Where are you going?" "Back to the States." "Funny, that's where we're going." "I thought I'd take Flight 17 to New York." "From there I can hop a freedom bus to Atlanta." " Atlanta?" " Yeah." "I'm the new vice president in charge of bottle caps." "They're kicking me upstairs." "That's something I've always wanted to do myself." "So anytime you and the kids would care to join me..." "I'll be waiting for you." "Just a minute." "Conference." "Two out of three." "Deal is on." "Two out of three?" "All right." "Who's the wise guy?" "Schlemmer!"