"Help me!" "Anyone!" "Help me!" "Anyone!" "Hey!" "Hey!" "What are you waiting for?" " Amy" " Hi." " So..." "Romania, huh?" " Yeah, Romania." "Just like we planned." "Yeah, I guess some plans do work out." "Listen, Amy, I wanted to talk to you..." "Charley, we're not gonna do this here, OK?" "What's done is done." "You've just got to move on." "Are you ever gonna trust me again?" "I need to check into my room." "Hey, wait." "I, uh..." "I bought you these." "Charley." "That's really nice." "I really need to check into my room." "Relax, Charley." "You know what they say, "When in Romania," right?" "It's Rome, Evil." ""When in Rome." You dumb-ass." "Hey." "You coming on the Bloodsucker Blues Tour with me tonight?" "Bloodsucker what?" "Midnight tours of all the castles rumored to be the lairs of the original vampires." "The Cachtice, the Bran, the Poenari, the Hunyad, the Orava." " First one's tonight." " I guess it could be kind of cool." "Attaboy." "We need a night out on the town, now that you're single again." " I'm not single." " She forgave you?" " For cheating on her?" " I didn't cheat on her." "Hey, didn't one of her friends see you kissing another girl" " then text Amy..." " Drop it, Ed." "Just sayin'." "Looks like the Dynamic Duo's together again." " Great." " And don't lose these." "There's a $50 replacement fee." "Check out the blood bags on that, Brewster." "Ooh!" "On this week's episode of Fright Night:" "This building became the centerpiece for the Nazis' obsession with the paranormal when occult researchers discovered a prehistoric monster." "This dilapidated Nazi insane asylum was home to one of the most notorious monsters in history." "You know, out of respect," "I'm gonna give it a week, then I'm gonna try my hardest to tap that." "Oh, yeah?" "Oh, wait." "Wait, wait." "Tap that." "Free market, bro." "Hey, Ed, check this out!" "Ed!" "Hey, Ed, come quick!" " What the fuck?" " Quick!" "Look!" "Whoa..." "Stonework... on an old building." " Imagine that." " Wha...?" "Down in the lobby in 10 minutes, boys." "First class at the university is tonight." "Sir, yes, sir." "Hey, want to know what I'm watching?" "Uh, a sex tape your mom made?" "Ha!" "Yeah, very funny, bitch." "I'm watching an old episode of Fright Night." " Want to know why?" " Not really." "No." "In the honor of reality TV monster hunter extraordinaire," "Peter Vincent." "He who has no fright of the night." "And according to his Twitter, he's in Romania as we speak filming a new episode." "On this week's episode of Fright Night:" "I find myself all alone inside the infamous Poenari Castle." "Home of Vlad the Impaler, aka..." "Dracula." "Many historians have tried to find the unmarked grave where Vlad Tepes allegedly rests." "But to no avail." "So legend has it that a vampire still haunts the halls of this ancient castle." "There once..." "What was that?" "There's something in here with me and it just took off." "I'm gonna turn the light on on my camera mount and get a better view." "Ah!" "Cut!" "Get your shit together, people!" "How many times do I have to tell you to stay away from the fucking camera, huh?" "I mean, there's only one..." "Stop that!" "There's only one." "How hard can it be?" "How hard can it be?" "Give me that." "Turn the light off." " Are we ready?" " Yes." "Shut up." "And... action." "I swear I saw her." "Sorry, dude." "I didn't see no MILF at the window." "Whatever." "Free market, bro." "What?" "I'm kidding." "Chill." " Asshole." " Don't get upset." "Geez." " What happened?" " The lights are off." "What's that for?" "What's going on?" "Oh, my God." "What the fuck?" "Ay, caramba!" "That's our professor?" "Hello, everyone." " My name is Gerri Dandridge," " Hey, Gerri... and I'm the visiting professor at this university." "Over the next week that you are here I want to give you an overview of the history of European aft, a history that is riddled with blood and madness, brilliance and glory." "A history that, when I am through with you, you will feel as though you have actually lived through it." "Ready to begin?" "Please follow me." "This is very interesting." "Now, believe it or not, the most famous vampire of all," "Bram Stoker's Dracula was actually a woman." "Yes?" "I thought Bram Stoker based Dracula on Vlad the Impaler." "In part, yes." "But why, if there are no accounts of Vlad drinking blood, does Stoker's Dracula consume blood and then seem to appear younger after doing so?" " Elizabeth Bathory." " AKA..." "Countess Dracula." "I'm gonna find a bathroom and get a drink of water." " I'm wiped." " Now we should move on." "The next story is even more interesting." "Elizabeth Bethory buried her victims, who were mostly adolescent peasant virgins, in graveyards and other unknown locations." "Oh, yeah." "Oh, yeah." "Yeah." "Oh, baby." "Oh, God." "Oh..." "Charley." " Charley." " Oh!" " Are you OK?" " Yeah." "I was just, uh..." "still searching for the bathroom." "Yeah, well, tour's over." "We should get going." "Yeah." "OK." "Down in the lobby in half an hour, boys." "First class of the day is at 8:00 a.m." "Van Gogh's paintings show him identifying with his subjects so deeply they merge into one identity." "A single image of multiple people, he turns into them, and they turn into him." "In his desire to transcend time and place, he chooses a palette so vivid, it burns into the spectator's memory and remains within him forever." "Hey!" "Yes, Mr. Brewster?" "I, um..." "Like what you saw last night, Charley?" "Are we keeping you from your beauty sleep, Mr. Brewster?" "You didn't answer my question." "Excuse me?" "I know you liked what you saw." "As with the self-portrait van Gogh dedicated to Paul Gauguin, his face morphs into an almost Buddhist monk-like appearance." " Is everything OK?" " Yeah." "Yeah, I think so." "I, um..." "I bought you..." "I bought you these." "They're my favorites." "That's, uh... that's..." "That's really lovely of you, Charley." "I mean it." "Oh..." "For me?" "She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not." "Look, isn't there something weird about Professor Dandridge?" "Yeah." "There is something weird about Professor Dandridge." "Right?" "Yeah." "She's smoking fucking hot, you dick face." "When was the last time you could say that about any professor?" "It was part of the American tour." " ls everything OK?" " Yes, sir." "Everything OK." "I think somebody just went missing." "Have you seen him?" "This student was last seen at Cachtice Castle." "Detective!" "Wait!" "It's a UV filter." "Come on." "Oh, good." "OK." "Fuck." "Fuck." "So glad you could come, Charley." "I thought there was something special about you." "I just don't know what it is yet." "But I can't wait to find out." "Hello, Inspector?" "Oh, God, thank you." "It's about the missing person." "I think I know what happened." "I know it's gonna sound crazy, but it was a vampire." "No, I know." "Look..." "Hello?" "Fuck." "He fucking hung up on me." "Oh, God." " Hey." " Amy, look." "I..." "I need to talk to you." "How did you get in here?" "Amy was kind enough to invite me in." "Yeah." "Come on." "Professor Dandridge asked me whether or not I had any family in the region, which, uh, I don't think I do." "Um, Amy, remember that thing we got to go to?" " What thing?" " Yes, Charley, what thing?" "You remember, right?" "The party that Ed was talking about." " There's a party?" " Oh, I do love a good party." "Right, yeah." "So, we gotta go." " Charley!" "Why are you being weird?" " She's a vampire!" "What?" "I swear to God, I saw it with my own eyes." "Get the fuck out of here." "My God, Charley, what the hell are you doing?" " Professor, I'm so sorry." "Charley!" " Shh..." "It's OK." "I'm warning you, stay away from us!" "I don't know what you're on, Charley, but you're starting to scare me Now, stop it!" "It's OK." "You think I'm a vampire?" "Really?" "Give me the Bible, Charley." "Come on." "That's it." "Hand it over." "There's a good boy." "I am so sorry, Professor." "I..." "Sun's coming up." "Better get back to my, um... coffin." " I saw her." "You've got..." " Shut up, Charley." "Once again, I'm really sorry, Professor." "It's been a long night for everyone." "Yeah." "I'm sure having the police buzzing around has made everybody a little bit jittery." "You take care of yourself, Charley." "Romania can be a very dangerous place." "Thank you for your hospitality, Amy." "A vampire?" "Are you kidding me?" "Please, you've got to believe me..." "Why are you making it so hard for me to give you a second chance, Charley?" "I have tried to put the past behind me, but we need to move on." "You need to move on." " Amy, please..." " Go." "Countess Elizabeth Bathory, aka The Blood Countess or Countess Dracula, is one of the earliest human beings rumored to be a vampire." "Ed?" "Ed?" "Ah!" "Hey, Penis Breath." "You missed a good one last night." "Hunyad Castle was the shit." "Ed, what if I told you" "I had an honest-to-God, real-life vampire problem on my hands?" "I'd say... you're fucked." " Oh, thanks." " Well, it's true." "If vampires were real, we'd be no match for them." "They drink our blood, they can glamour us in an instant, they run 3 times fast as us, and, uh, oh yeah, one more thing." "They're fucking immortal." "Oh!" "Oh, God!" "OK." "After saying all of that, what would you say?" "Who is he?" "Not he, she." "Maybe the Queen She of them all." "Gerri Dandridge, aka Elizabeth Bathory." "Oh, dude." "Dude, dude, dude, dude, dude." "Oh, that is not good." "Oh, you are so totally fucked." "What?" "Why do you say that?" "Because she's like the ultimate She-Bitch, bro, and don't take it from me." "OK, look." "Every issue of Vampire's Crypt has a "Vampires in History" back page where they give you a quick history of the Vampire of the Month in comic form." "This is the entry on Elizabeth Bethory." "Countess Bethory was being escorted across the country by her royal guard when it all began." "The sounds of all hell breaking loose could be heard just outside her carriage." "The countess finally had no option but to leave the carriage to see what had happened." "The few survivors brought her back home where the castle doctor diagnosed her as vampire." "Elizabeth's husband was desperate to find a cure to which the castle doctor told him of an ancient pagan legend." "Only the blood of a virgin born at the stroke of midnight by the light of the blood moon could save his wife from damnation." "The count ordered that his wife be unshackled at once." "She would be free to roam the world and hunt all of its dark corners hoping that one day she'd be able to walk once again in the sunlight." "But decades passed with no luck for the blood queen." "Her quest eventually took her to the shores of new lands." "But the countless years passed in futility, and the blood queen began to lose all hope that she might ever find the virgin she was searching for." "Unbeknownst to the countess, the country of her origin was pulling her back, and Elizabeth Bethory returned to the modern embrace of her ancient home/and." "What if we've actually found her?" "On this week's episode of Fright Night:" "It just so happened that the vampire never left." "Take me... to your leader." "He still uses this lair to perform his rituals." " Peter Vincent?" " He who has no fright of the night." " Dude, he's a fucking TV host." " True, but the dude knows his shit, and like I said, he's in town filming a new episode." " About Dracula, right?" " Correct-a-mundo, Chuckster." "So, are we gonna do this shit or what?" "Double." "Hey, your producers told us we could find you here." "Uh-oh." " Do I got to call security over here?" " No." " No, no, sir." " Oh, no..." " We have a problem." " Oh..." "Oh, let me guess." "Might this be of the "things that go bump in the night" variety?" "Like a, like a, like a monster problem?" " Yes." " Hm..." "Shayla Sunshine." "Oh-ho!" "Shayla Sunshine." "You boys do not want to miss this." "Let me give you a piece of advice, fellas." " Monsters aren't real." " What?" "They don't exist." "Trust me, I know." "Thanks to Fright Night, I've been everywhere, from the Himalayas to Haiti." "I've sought out everything from yetis to zombies to trolls to werewolves, and every time nothing." "So there's nothing you can do?" "No advice you can give us from all the times you've monster-hunted?" "Actually, I do have a piece of advice for you." "I was once in Saudi Arabia looking for a djinn, and the whole thing went kablooey on me." "Had to hitch a ride on a freighter to get back home." "Always make sure your check clears before you show up." "So, what if we paid you?" "What are you talking about, Evil?" "Yeah, Evil, what are you talking about?" "We all have needs, man." "Mine are comic books and horror movies." "Charley's is Amy Peterson's pussy." "Yours is money and strippers, in no particular order." "Let's get you some of the old greenbacks and get down to business." "How many greenbacks we talking about, Evil?" "Yeah, Evil, how many greenbacks are we talking about?" "How many greenbacks do you normally charge?" "Do you know what?" "Can we please stop saying "greenbacks"?" "How much moola do I usually charge for what, Evil?" "You know, an appearance, a kind of assessment?" " You want him to assess her?" " Well, why not?" "If she really is a vampire, who better than the great Peter Vincent to make that distinction?" "And, even more likely, if she isn't a vampire, our boy here can also make that call, based on the fact that he is the world's foremost expert on not monsters." "Thank you so much." "I would love to..." "Ouch." "I knew I shouldn't have taken the crew out for drinks last night." "2,000 dollars." " What?" "There is no way..." " Done!" " Done?" " Done?" "Let's just call this the small price of doing business, OK?" "Are you sure about this, Evil?" "We got a deal, Peter Vincent?" "We got a deal, whatever your name is." "Whoo!" "Yeah!" "Boo-yah!" "But, especially... a lot about the second series when you did most of the vampire stuff." "I..." " Come on." "Come..." " Nah." "Come on, guys, we don't have all night!" "Sorry." "Charley, wait there, dude." "Look, I know..." "What are you doing?" "Get out of here." " I know." "I'm sorry." " Get out of here." "Peter, sir..." " Hey." " Hey!" "Listen, I..." "I'm sorry about last night." "Yeah, well..." "You know, it's just..." "Wait." "Oh, my God, look." "Isn't that the guy of..." "Isn't that the guy of..." "What's his name?" "The Fright Night guy." "What is it?" " Oh, yeah." " Yeah." " Peter Vincent, right?" " Yeah!" "That's so funny." "Hang on a second." "Isn't he with Ed?" "Hey, Amy!" "Hey." "You got to meet mine and Charley's boy, Peter Vincent!" "And me, too." "The one, the only!" "Yeah." "He's the world's greatest monster hunter." "Amy Peterson, meet Peter Vincent." "Seriously, please tell me this isn't about vampires." "It's not about vampires." "Please tell me you're not lying." " He's totally lying." " I'm totally lying." "Charley thinks Gerri is a vampire." "I already had my suspicions about her." "And sure enough, I was right!" "Her apartment is a total vampire's lair." "The lair!" "We can get her before she's fed, when she's at her weakest!" " I actually saw her feed on somebody." " And then bam!" "Stake in the heart!" "Just like you did on the season two Vampire Special." "I'm out of here." " Hey..." " 3,000 dollars!" "What?" "!" "You know, I always wanted to meet a real vampire." "3,000 bucks is not a bad price." "OK, so... supposing you're right, supposing you're not lying..." "What do you want us to do?" "Yeah, Charley." "What do you want us to do?" "Listen, Charley, don't sweat it, OK?" "He's done stuff like this a million times before." "He knows what to do." "All right?" "I trust him." "Hey!" "Hey, Peter!" "Hey!" " Peter, what the fuck?" "!" " What are you doing?" "Damn it!" " What the fuck?" "!" " What's wrong with him?" "Stay back." "Stay back." "Behind me." " Charley!" " Stay behind me!" "Hey, Professor." "Fancy meeting you here." " Uh..." " You've been a very nosy boy, Charley." "Hey, kids, did Charley tell you everything he saw in my apartment last night?" " Yeah." " No." "Oh..." "Oh, fuck!" "Get back, you creature of the night!" "Run, Charley!" "Come on, Charley!" "Go!" " Oh!" " Charley, we have to go!" "Ah!" "Come on, Charley!" "Let's see how evil you really are." "Be careful." " I can't keep up, Charley!" " Come on!" "Come on!" "Hold it!" "Wait!" " Come on, you have to keep..." " There's a hole!" "Come on!" " What?" " She's coming." "Get in here!" "Oh, my God, Charley, move it fast!" "Get in!" " Oh, my God, she's coming, Charley!" " Quick, get in!" "Come on, hurry, Charley!" "Jump!" " Are you OK?" " Yeah, I'm fine." "Just go." "Oh, God." "Oh, my God." " Where are we?" " I don't know." "Are you OK?" "Watch out." " It goes on forever." " It's a fuckin' maze." " Charley, we have to find a way out." " I know, I know." "Stay close." "I think I heard something." " You heard something?" " Yeah, come on." " Charley, what is that?" " I don't know." "Charley, she knows we're in here!" "Run!" "Run!" "Come on, run!" "Wait up, Charley!" "Oh, God!" "Amy, come on!" " Amy!" "You have to run!" " Oh, my God!" " Fuck!" "Come on!" " Run, Charley, run!" "This way!" "This way!" "Come on!" "Charley!" "Charley!" "Come on!" "Oh, shit." "It's an exit!" "Help!" "Help!" " Help!" " Help!" "Somebody help!" "Help!" " Help!" " Charley?" "Charley, there are boxes!" " Charley, there are boxes!" " OK." "Shit!" "OK, stack 'em!" "Shit!" " Charley, hurry!" " I've got it!" "She's coming, Charley!" " I can't reach you!" " Amy, come on, you can do it!" "I can't!" "Grab me, Amy, please." "Amy, come on!" "I can't reach you, Charley!" "I can't!" "Please, Amy, hurry!" "Hurry, she's coming!" "Charley, I can't!" "I can't reach you!" " I'll catch you, I promise you." " I can't, Charley!" "Please, Charley, I can't!" "OK, you're gonna have to trust me!" "Please!" "OK?" "I'll count to 3!" "1!" "2!" "3!" "Come on, jump!" "Please!" "Amy, come on." "I've got you." "OK." " Oh, Charley." " We got it!" "Come on." "Ah!" "Charley!" "Oh, fuck." "Come on." " Get up." " Charley." "She's the one." "Come on!" " Come on, Charley." " Look out!" "Come on." "It's OK." " Hurry, there's a taxi!" "Come here!" "Taxi!" " Taxi!" "Take us to the airport." " Look, she scratched me." " Oh, shit." "I've got to take you to a hospital." "Oh, God." "Evil's dead and we're next." " Are you OK?" " Yeah." "Charley..." "Charley, I am so..." "I'm so sorry I ever doubted you." "No, I really am." " I'm so sorry about everything." " It's OK." " I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." " We're OK." "Hey, boy!" "Look out!" " Are you OK?" " Yeah." "OK, we got to get out." "Where did she go?" "No!" "No!" "No!" "No!" "Please!" "Let her go!" "Let her go!" "You can do anything." "You can kill me!" "If I wanted to kill you, you'd be dead already." "Come to my house later tonight and you'll see what I mean." "Wait, wait, wait!" "Your house?" "My home, Charley." "My real one." "No!" "Amy!" "No!" "Another shot, Dragomir." "I got to take a pit stop." "Hello?" "ls anybody in here?" "Oh, fuck." "You're pathetic, Peter Vincent!" "You're a joke!" "A sham!" "You host the greatest monster show on TV, but you don't believe in monsters?" "!" "I believed in you, you bastard!" "I believed in your shitty little show more than you ever did, you piece of shit!" "I'm gonna make you bleed, motherfucker!" " Sorry, kid." " Bleeding is believing." "Ah!" "Come here." "Kiss the cross, bitch!" "Kiss the cross, vampire boy!" "Kiss the cross!" "That was nasty." "Phew!" "Let go of me!" "Help me!" "Let me go!" "Let me go!" "Help me!" "Let go!" "Where's Peter?" "Put the Old Testament over there." "Old Testament over there!" "More garlic on the side, too!" "Catch." " Peter!" " Stop him!" "It's me, Charley!" "Back the fuck up!" "I will fucking use this, motherfucker!" " What the hell, Peter?" " Are you one of them or not?" " Them?" " A vampire!" "Of course I'm not a vampire!" " Satisfied?" " Let him in." " What the hell is that?" " It's a Stake-O-Fix." "The weapon that is said to have killed Vlad the Impaler, aka motherfucking Dracula." " And you got it how?" " Stole it from the props department." " What's with the change of heart?" " Change of heart?" "I thought you didn't believe in monsters." " Bleeding is believing." " What, so you're just running away?" "As soon as the sun comes up, as fast as I fucking can." "But Gerri's taken Amy to her home, to Cachtice Castle." "I think she's gonna kill her!" "I wish I could help, kid." " You can!" " But I won't." "Oh, fuck." "Wait!" "Wait." "I wanted to tell you." "There still might be a way for you to save Amy." "As long as she's still alive, of course." "What are you doing?" "Preparing you for the ceremony." "Tonight I will bathe in the blood of a virgin, herself born at the stroke of midnight by the light of the blood moon." "How do you know that I'm...?" "That you're a virgin?" "No." "How do you know that I was born at exactly midnight during a blood moon?" "I can taste it." "In your blood." "And after, you'd no longer be a vampire." "Oh, I'd still be a vampire but I'd be free." "Free to walk in the daylight." "Free to feel the sun on my skin." "What does Charley have to do with this?" "In order for the ceremony to work, the sacrifice's blood must be pure." "You yourself must kill that which you love." "Who says I love Charley?" "I won't hurt him." "If you don't, you'll die." "You must kill him." "You can't make me do that." "It's not up to you." "Holy water, garlic." "All right." "According to traditional mythology, if you kill a vampire before the sun comes up, anyone he or she has bitten that night will return back to their human form." "Now, legend talks about a bathhouse deep in the bowels of Cachtice Castle." "Bathory can be defeated in that pit at the break of dawn." "But you don't want to find yourself down there alone." "Charley?" "Is that you?" "Charley, I'm over here." "Please, just come here." " Amy?" " Charley." "Amy." "Are you OK?" "Charley?" "Ah!" "Ow!" "Oh..." "Really?" "Garlic?" " Step aside, Ed." " You left me at the subway!" "You told me to." "I did." "Didn't I?" "Ah!" "I'm so sorry." "You're... so... fucked." "Pity" "Not so evil after all." "Happy hunting." "Amy?" "Amy, you in here?" "Amy?" "Amy?" "Is that you?" "Amy... it's me, Charley." "Are you OK?" "Did she hurt you?" "Please, stay away." "I don't want to hurt you." "Shh..." "Ah!" "Ah!" "Kill him." "I'm so sorry." "No!" "No!" "No!" "No!" "Do it!" "Now." "Welcome to Fright Night for real, bitch." "Didn't I tell you not to find yourself alone down here at the break of dawn?" "Nothing has changed!" "Uh-oh." "Shit!" "Shit." "Missed!" "Do something, Charley." "Amy." "You don't want to do this." "Charley!" "Do something!" "It's me, Charley." "Come on!" "Ah!" "Charley..." " Amy!" "No!" " Charley, the sun!" "The sun is up!" "Ah!" "Oh, no." "Oh, no, Charley." "Charley?" "Amy?" "Oh, come on." "Charley." "Oh, my God." "Oh, that's disgusting." "You know how many people have probably peed in that pool?" "Well, I guess this is goodbye." "I'm sorry about what happened to your friend." "Yeah." "Me, too." "Take care of this guy, will you?" "I will." "I promise." "And thank you." "Hey, Peter." "What made you come back?" "Had to make sure the check cleared, kid." "Come on." " No, wait." "Wait." " What?" " I bought you something." " Charley." " Don't peek." " What?" "Really?" "Oh, my God." "Charley, it's beautiful." "Thank you."