"Excuse me, sir." "The line's back there." "Sorry." "Nate, help me." "Worst day ever !" "Not possible, because my bad day would bring your bad day to its knees." "I've been trying to get a cab at ten degree weather for two hours." "I have frozen snot, Marni !" "Apparently, that can happen." "Yah ?" "Know what happened to me this morning ?" "Hey, hey !" "So i'm on the subway, sweating in my puffy coat, and it's hot and gross and everybody's coughing." "And this guy shelves me, and I'm like "hey" and he's like "what"" "and I'm like "watch it" and he's like "you watch it !"..." "Oh, you think that was bad, I was..." "Not done." "And I'm in the longest line in history and this dalai lama guy keeps cutting in front of me." "Hey !" "Did they not have lines in Katmandu ?" "Get back there !" "Worst day ever, Nate, I win !" "Hey !" "Gimme your wallet !" "No, actually, Marni, I win." "Great, and then my boyfriend hangs up on me." "Hey !" "I WAS HERE !" "We are all everywhere !" "Oh yeah ?" "You got some cute saying for this ?" "I work in a used record store." "You probably make more money than I do." "Seriously." "What do you make?" "Like, uh, 60 bucks a mugging times four or five people a day." "That's what, 64 grand a year?" "And I make $19,000 a year." "My God, I make $19,000 a year!" "You should be giving me your wallet." "I have a gun." "Oh, yeah?" "Well--well, maybe I have gun too." "You ever think of that?" "That's not a gun, that's your hand." "Oh ho ho, maybe!" "But maybe not." "I'll tell you what." "Whatever's in my pocket, in three seconds," "I'm going to take it out and start shooting it at you!" "Okay?" "So if it's my hand, then you win." "But if not, oh well!" "One, two" "Okay, all right." "Stop." "Hey, take my wallet." "In fact, take all of them." "You mugged a guy?" "Yeah, yeah." "Apparently, I'm a mugger now." "And that's not the worst part." "I just used his Quiznos card to buy lunch." "I'm a horrible person." "So what?" "You mugged a guy." "You flipped off a Buddhist." "That's not horrible." "It's just Thursday." "It's true, guys." "The city changes you." "When I first came to New York," "I was innocent." "I was Hillary Duff." "And now what am I?" "A foul-mouthed drunk?" "Exactly." "I also would have accepted Lindsay Lohan." "God, what's happened to me?" "I just want to crawl into bed and pretend I'm not in New York until I'm nice again." "Yeah, you know something?" "That's not a bad idea." "We should stay inside for, like, a week and just detox from the city." "Huh." "Interesting." "It'll be like a science experiment." "Uh, fact: the city is sucking the humanity out of us." "Fact: we need to do something about it." "Hypothesis:" "if we take ourselves out of New York, can we take New York out of ourselves?" "Conclusion---: to come." "Nate, I like this idea." "No contact with the outside world for an entire week." "We lock ourselves in my apartment." "Wait a second." "Your apartment." "Better." "And we don't break the seal for seven days." "Finally, a sensible plan to get the crazy people off the street." "Shoot, I got to go." "Good luck you two." "Bowie, call me later." "We'll mock." "I got to go too." "I'm headed over to Roberta's." "Roberta?" "I thought you two were breaking up." "You said she talks too much." "Uh, that's just it." "I don't want to leave her bed." "It's just so damn comfortable." "She's got these pillows, nice soft sheets." "One of them duvet covers." "It's like you're sleeping inside a fresh biscuit." "So let me get this straight." "You're only sleeping with this woman for her bed?" "It's not just because of her bed." "I also like her... yeah, it's just the bed." "Okay, now, I have munchies, board games-- mostly the fun ones where you get to yell stuff like Yahtzeeeee or Scraaaable!" "What'd you bring?" "Oh, a gas mask, fire extinguisher." "C ipro?" "Nate..." "You didn't bring anything fun." "Sure I did." "Look, look, look." "This duct tape is fun." "You can--you can make stuff with it." "And, like-- Oh, look." "Hello, I'm Mr. Duct Tape." "I brought other fun stuff." "Like, uh, oh, oh, like this." "Newspapers!" "Give it up." "Ha ha ha." "No, no." "You can't have the newspaper." "No outside world for a week, remember." "But, uh, uh, hold on." "I-I-I need the newspaper, okay?" "I never would have agreed to anything involving not reading the paper." "Fine, Nate." "Read the paper." "Keep mugging people." "You're right." "You're right." "Take 'em." "Don't let him have them, Clown." "Whatever he offers, I'll match." "The newspaper, huh?" "I'll need a pitcher of milk and a rabbit." "Are you going to do a trick?" "No." "So, uh... what do you want to do first?" "I've given this a lot of thought." "How about..." "Scrabble?" "Scrabble." "Scrabble is first." "Anything you can spell, I'll let you do to me." "I love Scrabble." "Hey, uh, does triple word score mean" "I get to do it three times?" "So I'm at the grocery store with Natasha and she keeps being all, why do you get that sour cream?" "This one is creamier." "And P.S., Natasha is well near busting out of her pants these days." "So maybe her sour cream is a little too creamy, right?" "And P.S." "Roberta." "What, baby?" "You can't say P.S. if you're not done." "There's no P.S. if you keep talking." "You got to sign the letter." "You seem upset with me." "Yeah, there's something I need to talk to you about." "Did you get a new pillow?" "Yes, I did." "Go on." "What were you saying?" "Well, uh, well, the thing is, uh, is that, you see, we've been going out for a while now." "And the thing about it is is that, uh..." "Ooh." "That's nice." "That's real nice." "Ooh." "Ooh." "Oh, Lord." "It's like I'm lyin' on a puppy." "Hey, Clown." "Can you believe it?" "12 hours into the experiment, doing great." "Okay, just hook me up with a little newspaper." "Just once." "Okay, never mind." "Oh, uh, just blink three times if the Senate Appropriations Committee passed the interior spending bill." "It passed." "It failed." "Someone get blinded?" "I'm not fol" "Oh, jeez." "This special news bulletin, authorities are recommending the immediate evacuation of" "What are you doing?" "Are you cheating?" "No contact with the outside world, Nate." "Rules are rules." "Says the woman who wouldn't let me do the thing I spelled!" "Not three times!" "Come on, Marni, we made the rules." "We can change 'em together!" "No, the Nate who came in here all excited with his duct tape would not want us to cave." "I'm him, he does, he's not that strong!" "You know what'll help you?" "The pursuit of a little trivia." "Okay, which Indian-- Nehru." "Correct." "And the rest of the answers are:" "Sodium Pentothal, Martina Navratilova, 1962, and, uh, uh, New Coke." "I had mono when I was 12." "I memorized the cards." "That's impossible, Nate." "In 1932-- Herbert Hoover." "Incorrect." "Already put the card back, no way to check." "Huh." "It's snowing." "It's snowing?" "Oh my God, it's snowing!" "I love the snow!" "Snow, Nate, snow!" "First snow of the year, Nate!" "It's like... ahhh!" "You can't not love New York when it snows!" "Oooh!" "Oooh!" "Let's have a snowball fight!" "Do you need boots?" "Borrow some of the clown's big shoes!" "I got it!" "Here we go!" "Oh, God." "Who's not ready?" "Oh, I'm sorry." "Rules are rules." "What?" "But...snow." "No!" "No, Marni!" "Marni, don't" "Tess!" "Help me!" "Nate won't let me out of the experiment!" "Don't talk to her, you're tainting the results!" "Right... well, you kids have fun." "No!" "Don't make me go back in there!" "Bring me snoooooooow!" "You don't want to go outside with me, baby?" "No, I think I'm gonna lie in bed for a while." "I'm still tired, Serta." "Did you just call me Serta?" "I don't think I did." "I said Roberta." "It just sounded like Serta." "No, you did, you said, "I'm still tired, Serta."" "Who's Serta, Bowie?" "Hmm?" "Are you in love with this Serta?" "Uhhh..." "From now on, go get your love from Serta." "And P.S., get out of my bed!" "Baby, please don't do this!" "Maybe we should sleep on it first." "* When I am down, * * and oh, my soul's so weary *" "* When troubles come * * and my heart burdened be *" "* Then I-- * *" "Ooh, big headline." "Looks like the Cap'n found a new "Crunch Island."" "Oh, oh, wait, that's news." "I'm not allowed to read the news." "Go ahead, Nate, wuss out for a stupid paper." "Let New York beat you." "Hey, you were ready to chuck it all for a romp in the snow." "Snow is a temporary thing, Nate." "You have to take advantage of it when it happens." "Yeah, not like the news, 'cause that stays fresh forever!" "Okay, I'm taking a shower." "Maybe when I come back, you'll be in a better frame of mind." "Ohh!" "Ahh!" "Interesting...interesting..." "terrifying... bargain!" "..." "Botswana..." "Ha ha ha, well put, Mr. Greenspan." "Hey!" "Hey kid!" "You want to have a snowball fight?" "Try to hit me!" "You call that a throw, you hobbit?" "Wah!" "Damn, baby!" "That's what I'm talkin' about!" "Oh, God!" "Hey, Nate." "Oh, Tess, Tess!" "Help!" "I'm locked out." "Do you have an extra set of Marni's keys?" "Hold on here." "One, two, three, four?" "Four?" "Man, you guys are like lint." "Who are you, kid?" "Where'd you come from?" "You got a tag in there?" "No?" "All right, everybody, back outside, we gotta lose this one." "Wa--wait!" "Tess!" "I don't have a key." "Good luck, champ." "Oh, excuse me!" "You're the super, aren't you?" "Who are you?" "My girlfriend lives in this apartment here and I'm locked out." "The girl in there?" "I call bullcrap." "The girl who lives there bumps donuts." "Oh, uh, excuse me, sir." "First of all, that is not a very nice term to use." "What, bumps donuts?" "You know what I mean." "She likes chicks." "She pets kitties, she yodels in the canyon-- Thank you!" "Yes, I get it!" "But you're talking about Nina, who my girlfriend sublets from." "Oh, okay." "Your gal sublets from her." "That's what you're calling it these days." "Sure, I'll let you in." "Oh, thank you so much." "See, Marni's in the shower, and the clown can't hear when he's inin his closet." "I think he may have taken a little too much seltzer to the ear." "Oh, crap." "Who are you?" "This guy says you're illegally subletting from Nina." "Subletting?" "No!" "Dog sitting." "Here, Muffin!" "Here!" "Good dog!" "This guy says you got an illegal clown in the closet, too." "A clown in the closet?" "What?" "That doesn't even make any sense." "I'll pack my things." "That's right." "'Cause I'm telling the building board about this on Monday." "And they're going to evict your ass." "Thanks for flagging me down out there, chief." "Made my day." "What..." "Did..." "You...do?" "You went out there!" "You broke the seal!" "Look, I'm sorry." "I just checked the paper once!" "I didn't mean" "Wait a minute, you have snow in your hair." "You played in the snow, somehow!" "You broke the seal!" "You really want to start with me right now?" "You just got me kicked out of my apartment!" "and I'm homeless." "And I'm not ready to live with you, so don't even ask." "How big is your closet?" "Roberta, I haven't slept all night." "Can I come in?" "Now might not be such a good time." "Baby, that's what I'm saying." "From now on, any time is a good time." "Whew, yeah." "Whew, it's good to be back." "Who's in my bed?" "Bowie, I tried to tell you." "That's Tony." "What are you doing, man?" "Get out of my bed." "You left." "It's mine now." "Guys, come on!" "Don't fight over me." "Yo, man... maybe we can share." "What?" "Share me?" "No, I don't do that." "That's nasty." "Now, I'm going out." "And P.S., when I come back, y'all need to be gone." "Signed, Roberta." "Goodnight, Tony." "Morning." "Morning." "You're up early." "Yeah, I didn't sleep." "I went to the Super last night, tried talking him into letting you stay." "Yeah?" "Did not go well." "Oh." "He is not a nice man." "He did share some interesting views with me on the Holocaust." "You know, Nate, I don't know." "Maybe all this bad stuff that's been happening was New York telling me it's time to get out." "Maybe New York wants me to move to Hoboken." "No, New York doesn't want that." "You know?" "Forget about this for now." "Forget the apartment and the experiment." "And let's just" "Let's just go outside and play in the snow." "What do you say?" "Well, I do kind of have a little thing for snow." "Nate, hurry, let's make" "Eww, it's gross." "Oh no, no!" "We missed the good snow." "New York snow is only good for a 12 hour window and... we missed it." "I'm sorry." "Coming through." "Coming through." "Oh, God, somebody died?" "Unfortunately, The building Super." "What?" "No, no, I" "Wait, wait, wait." "What happened?" "Some kids were throwing snowballs in the building courtyard." "He leaned out a window to yelat them and plunged to his death." "I guess he wasn't that super after all." "Nate, do you realize what this means?" "I can stay!" "New York does love me!" "New York killed my Super for me!" "* Oh, the weather outside is frightful * * and the fire is so delightfull * * and since we've no place to go * * let it snow, let it snow, let it snow *" "* It doesn't show signs of stopping * * and I've plucked some corn for popping *" "* The lights are turned way down low * * let it snow, let it snow, let it snow *" "* When we finally kiss goodnight *"