"WOMAN:" "I don't even." "I mean, why?" "WOMAN 2:" "He just talks to her, he doesn't talk to her." "WOMAN:" "He talks to her, he doesn't talk to her." "WOMAN 2:" "Yeah, that's exactly right, it's like 4:00 in the morning, and I'm like, "Oh, my God, Tim, Tim, Tim?"" "Okay, so not worth it." "I think she should've left him, like, a long time ago, but... (INDISTINCT SPEEDTALKING CONTINUES)" "Did you catch a word of that?" "(SCOFFS) Nope." "It's a known fact that the adult male brain is incapable of understanding female speed talking." "Last time I tried, my head hurt for three days." "(WOMEN SOBBING AT BAR)" "(TAPPING BAR) SAM:" "Barkeep?" "Can't we put a game on or something?" "Anything but this sentimental crap?" "The movie stays on!" "Whatever." "(SIGHING)" "SAM:" "Women are demented." "They babble incoherently, they cry at the drop of a hat." "To me, those are two major symptoms of crazy." "And there's Sam Wellman, expert opinion on women." "Damn straight." "There ain't a female on this planet that I can't figure out in a minute flat." "Especially Georgette." "Diagnosis, nymphomania." "Oh, would you get over yourself?" "It's about time that you found yourself a nice woman and you settle down, huh?" "Like you and Cynthia?" "Don't go there." "Classic ball buster." "I'm a happy man." "Shut the hell up." "Is there a model in Milan, New York," "Paris, you haven't banged yet?" "I got a hot one tonight, Doc." "This new girl at the agency." "Oof." "Oh, no." "Don't tell me you caught something again?" "Nah, it's just my dick in my jockstrap." "Great, can't help you with that." "(EXHALES)" "What would I do without you when I got the clap?" "You would go to a urologist instead of a G-Y-N." "You're the only doctor I can trust with my privacy." "And I kind of like being the only guy in New York with a gynecologist." "You're a regular riot, Alice." "(CELL PHONE RINGING)" "Hey, honey." "Speak of the devil." "Satan, Lucifer, Beelzebub." "Just having a drink with Sam." "You know, I could've guessed that." "How's our favorite little whoremonger doing?" "Ow!" "What are you doing?" "She's not gonna come over here, is she?" "So, where are you taking me to dinner tonight?" "Somewhere expensive." "(SCOFFS)" "Oh, right answer." "(LOUD BURP) Oh, my God, tell Sam I heard that." "He's beyond repugnant." "(FINGERS SNAPPING)" "See you later, Soo-Soo." "(KISSES)" "(CLEARING THROAT)" "What?" "You know what..." "Poo-Poo." "You're going to the bachelor party, right?" "Wouldn't miss it for the world." "You gonna behave yourself?" "I was thinking about sending Stephen some videos of me and the blushing bride." "I might just post them on the Internet." "I hope you're kidding." "(CHUCKLES)" "MARGARET:" "Good morning, Sam." "Morning, morning." "Listen, I retyped your proposal, added a couple things." "Hope you like it." "We're gonna do that dinner, Margaret, I swear." "That'd be great, Sam." "Good morning, Mr. Wellman." "Mr. Cavalo would like to see you in his office when you're ready." "Hello, Melissa." "How was your weekend?" "Fine, thank you." "Should I ask how yours was?" "Oh, you know, usual debauchery." "Grist for my novel." "And, uh, what would that novel be about again?" "It's about an office assistant." "Demure, passionate, very lonely." "Madly in love with her incredibly attractive boss." "Wow, you have quite the imagination." "You wouldn't wanna help me do the research, would you?" "You know, I'm writing my own novel." "Would you like to hear about it?" "(SCOFFS) No." "Do you know the first thing I notice about a woman?" "Her ass. (CHUCKLING)" "I mean, have you ever noticed how a woman's ass gets a little firmer when she's nervous?" "(CHUCKLING)" "It's a thing of beauty." "I should be writing this down, shouldn't I?" "(CHUCKLING) Let's take a closer look." "Oh..." "Oh, listen," "Lulu loved our suggestion on the new brassiere line." "Outstanding." "How's it going with her by the way?" "How's it going?" "She tied me to the bed last night and beat the crap out of me, that's how it's going." "That good, huh?" "And by the way... (CLEARS THROAT)" "Lulu said she was stopping by on the way to a fashion show to tell you in person." "She should be here..." "Excuse me, uh, Mr. Cavalo, Lulu's here." "She's waiting for you in the conference room." "Just about now." "Thank you." "Tell her we'll be right there." "Yes, Mr. Cavalo." "So, last night, Stephanie?" "(AWKWARD LAUGH)" "Oh, hey, wait, taxi's on me." "I should've listened to Christina." "She said you were a pig." "It's a work in progress." "A work in progress?" "Sam, don't over think it, it's Pavlovian." "Huh?" "It's Pavlovian." "Pavlov's dogs?" "You push the right buttons, they salivate." "I mean, for some women, it's money." "Other women, it's marriage." "But whatever it is, you give 'em the right spiel, they roll over." "(CHUCKLES)" "Got you, Sey." "Lulu." "We gotta stop meeting like this." "Aw, poor Seymour." "Oh, I imagine you're still smarting from last night." "Mmm-hmm." "We did get a bit adventurous." "A bit." "(CHUCKLES)" "Especially with that spatula." "Shh..." "Ooh, God, that thing leaves marks." "(BOTH CHUCKLING) Tell me about it." "Hmm." "Oh, Sam." "Hey!" "Oh, you make an adorable executive." "So cute in that suit." "God, I could just eat him up with peanut butter." "Hell, forget the peanut butter, just give him to me plain." "It's nice to see you, Lulu." "I hope you liked the models we sent you for the lingerie show." "They were skinny, stupid, and drugged out of their minds." "Uh..." "Uh..." "In other words, they were perfect." "The buyers loved them." "I want them for the next two shows." "So, you'll make sure Mr. Naughty stays out of trouble." "Ahh!" "Until our rendezvous later at the hotel?" "It's a date." "(CHUCKLING)" "Okay." "(MIMICKING CAT PURRING)" "(PURRING) Bye-bye, cutie pie." "That's it?" "Quick and almost painless?" "What?" "Mr. Naughty?" "I'm telling you something, Sam." "You remind me so much of me when I was younger." "A genius?" "No, a complete asshole." "(CHUCKLES)" "But a brilliant one." "To tell you the truth," "I wasn't half as slick as you are when I was your age." "Guess I am a bit of a prodigy." "(GLASSES CLINK)" "Move over, Mozart." "Wait a minute, Sam." "I gotta ask you." "Stephanie?" "Does she..." "Does she wear panties?" "MARGARET:" "Congratulations on the Lulu account, Sam." "We just got the memo about our next show." "Couldn't have done it without you, Margaret, baby." "I just told Seymour that, too." "What, what, I don't know..." "Right, right, Seymour?" "Yes, Margaret, of course, it was a great job, lovely, yes." "Can you do us a favor?" "Can you, uh..." "Can you excuse us?" "Of course." "We're talking very important business here." "So..." "You were saying?" "(CHUCKLES)" "No." "♪" "(LAUGHTER AND INDISTINCT CHATTER)" "I wish that wasn't as true as it sounds." "Hey, I wanna propose a toast real quick." "Okay." "To my buddy, Stephen." "You know what they say, Stephen." "What do they say?" "Marriage is the only war where you sleep with the enemy." "(ALL LAUGHING) Hey!" "Joey, keep 'em coming!" "Another round." "You got it, buddy." "Here's to Stephen." "Congratu-fricku-lations, you horny little son-of-a-bitch." "(LAUGHING) Okay." "That's all right." "Okay." "Hey, maybe... (KNOCKING ON DOOR) I'll get it." "Hey, whoa, whoa, turn the tunes down." "Oh, no." "Are we being loud here?" "We're probably in trouble." "It's show time!" "Whoo!" "It's show time." "(ALL CHEERING)" "Whoo-hoo." "Look at this." "Wow!" "Yo." "Come on, get your ass out here." "Wow!" "Come on." "Let's see those asses." "(MEN WHOOPING)" "Come on, let's see those asses." "Pull up a chair for this guy." "Oh, I think I'm gonna throw up." "(MUSIC AND INDISTINCT CHATTER)" "What, you had to bring your own tequila?" "We didn't have enough bottles here for you?" "It's not tequila, it's Anejo." "(BURPING) An-e-Jo." "I stand corrected." "You stand corrected." "JOEY:" "Hey, Stevie, you gonna wear your wedding ring when you get married?" "(LAUGHS)" "What the hell are you doing, man?" "I'm documenting for posterity." "You're gonna send those to Georgette." "That's a great idea." "That's very wrong, Sam." "Yeah, well, who are you, my priest?" "No, I'm your best friend." "Yeah, well, you know what, friend?" "What, friend?" "Mind your own freaking business." "Okay, I have to be a good boy." "You girls go see Joey." "What's your name, baby?" "My name's Cat." "How about you?" "Legs." "Oh, man, I'm right where I'm supposed to be." "Whew." "(LAUGHS)" "Where the hell are you going?" "Out." "You got a problem with that?" "Yeah, I got a problem with that." "Tough." "(MEN LAUGHING)" "(BOTTLES CLINKING)" "Excuse me." "(EXHALES)" "Hmm." "(STATIC, CHANGING STATIONS)" "(CHUCKLING)" "That's a good-looking hat." "(RADIO CLICKS)" "MAN:" "Can I help you, young man?" "(CLEARING THROAT)" "Oh, nice hat." "Thank you." "Didn't offer much protection from the cold at Valley Forge, but it looked good at the victory parade a few years later." "Tea?" "Got anything stronger?" "Oh, it's strong tea." "It's a special blend." "Sit down." "(SLURPS, EXHALES)" "Good?" "Yeah." "Big night on the town, eh?" "(SIGHS) Bachelor party." "Not mine." "Confirmed bachelor, eh?" "Hmm." "Are the happy couple good friends?" "Huh?" "Relationships work best when there's a strong bond of friendship." "Trust, a core of trust?" "He's crazy if he trusts her, I can tell you that much." "A good-looking young man like you must have a girlfriend." "Whenever I want." "No one special?" "No such thing." "You're not very fond of the female of the species, are you?" "Good for one thing and one thing only." "Women are God's gift to the world, son." "I guess He forgot to give me my present." "How do you know God's a he?" "Please." "(SIGHS) Well, thanks for the tea, old-timer." "I gotta get going." "Where do you live, son?" "Murray Hill." "Murray Hill." "That's a very nice neighborhood." "Thanks." "Do you know how Murray Hill got its name?" "Murray's Deli?" "No." "The Murray family." "Quakers." "They were Quakers, you know, like the oatmeal?" "Right." "They had a fine mansion up at the top of Murray Hill." "It was about where 37th and Park is today." "Mrs. Murray was a very good-looking woman." "Good for Mr. Murray." "Yeah, well, Mr. Murray wasn't around on September 15, 1776 when 20,000 British and Hessian troops invaded Manhattan." "They landed at Kips Bay." "That's about where 34th Street is today." "Washington had about 9,000 troops, but they were most of them stationed downtown." "The British were about ready to cut the rebels in two." "But Mrs. Murray outsmarted them." "She plied the soldiers with wine and flirted with the general." "(CHUCKLING) Just like a broad." "Well, while she was entertaining the top brass, the rebels escaped up the west side." "Yes, without her, the war would've been over before it started." "Washington, Jefferson, John Adams." "The whole bunch of 'em would've been hanged for treason." "Hmm." "A woman?" "It's the truth." "Mrs. Murray saved the Americans." "She saved the revolution." "She saved the brand-new U.S. of A." "Well, that's a hell of a story, Pops." "I'll remember it next time I'm walking down Park Avenue." "Yeah, remember what I told you about women." "That's why I told you the story." "Well, they must've broke the mold when they made her, 'cause ever chick nowadays is a total bitch." "Maybe you just need to live a little bit more." "There's nothing like experience to open your eyes." "Yeah, right." "Uh, hey, uh, which way is 7th Avenue?" "Guy who laid out these streets must've been cross-eyed." "You take the first right out the door." "Then you take the next two rights." "Well, thanks, Pops." "I'll see ya." "(DOOR CREAKS OPEN)" "Yes, you will." "(MOANS)" "(SIGHING)" "(CHUCKLES)" "Cool dream." "(SCREAMING)" "(HYSTERICAL SCREAMING)" "(SHUDDERING)" "Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God!" "Oh, my God!" "Oh, my God, oh, my God." "A hallucination." "A hallucination." "A hallucination." "Shit." "Shit!" "Hi, can I help you?" "Where's Doc?" "I'm sorry, who are you here to see?" "Doc." "Dr. Andrew Bellamy, O-B-G-Y-N." "It says it right there on the door." "Well, Dr. Bellamy's with a patient right now." "Okay, well, I need to see him now." "Okay, young lady, please calm yourself down." "Yes, please." "Oh, mind your own business, Miss STD!" "Okay, you know what?" "I will set up an appointment for you with Dr. Bellamy..." "Hey!" "Don't mess with me, bitch!" "(WOMAN GASPS)" "Doc!" "Look what fuckin' happened to me, dude!" "Look at me!" "Miss, please, I am in the middle of an examination here." "Would you tell trash mouth Sally here to wait her turn?" "SAM:" "Oh, shut the hell up, lady!" "Doc, you got..." "Miss, if you do not behave, I will call security." "DOC:" "Angie, that won't be necessary." "Help me with Mrs. Goldfarb here." "We're gonna move you to another room." "Thank you, Doctor and Angie." "What a yakhneh!" "DOC:" "Angie, I won't be long." "Doc, I don't know what happened, man." "I woke up this morning, and I'm a fuckin' broad!" "Okay, there are a lot of psychologist's offices in the building." "Are you sure you didn't walk into the wrong one?" "Doc, you gotta believe me." "(STAMMERS) I feel like I'm in this, like, this nightmare." "Like, I just keep waiting to wake up!" "Dude, it's me!" "It's Sam!" "Sam?" "Sam!" "Sam Wellman, your best friend?" "(CHUCKLES) Okay, very good." "How much is he paying you?" "Ask me something." "Ask me anything." "Really, I get the joke." "Yeah, okay, ask me something about..." "About Cynthia." "You know about Cynthia?" "Dude, I know everything about you." "You're Boo-Boo, she's Soo-Soo." "He told you that?" "Oh!" "You were nine years old." "You showed it to Lauren Abramsky." "She kicked you in the nuts." "You told your mom you fell off the swing." "He told you that?" "I was there, dude." "I practically carried you home." "Oh!" "Senior Prom, Sandi O'Malley gave you your second blow job under the bleachers." "Your first blow job, March 1st, 1993," "Lisa Kaminsky in your basement, your mom came home..." "Is there anything that prick didn't tell you?" "I am that prick!" "Oh!" "(SCISSORS SNIPPING) DNA!" "Miss, please, put down the scissors." "Doc, DNA." "DNA." "Get a DNA test done." "Great, please, the scissors, before someone gets hurt." "Yeah, but Doc, you have the blood from the paternity suit." "We get a DNA test done, poof, yeah." "Okay, sure, great." "Now, give me the scissors." "And go home and get some rest, huh?" "Okay, but you're gonna do it." "You'll do it right away." "Yeah, as soon as you leave, it goes right to the DNA office or whatever." "Yeah?" "Okay." "Yeah, sure, great." "Okay, good, but you're gonna do it?" "Uh-huh." "Okay." "Just relax." "Okay." "Go home." "Okay." "Get some rest." "All right." "Fucking Sam, Jesus." "Have an amazing day, Mr. Johnson." "Excuse me." "Hey, Lou, what's up?" "Excuse me, can I help you?" "I can't right now, Lou, I got a situation." "Excuse me, Miss?" "Uh..." "You're here to see who?" "Oh, right, I'm sorry." "I am Sam Wellman's cousin." "I, uh..." "He gave me the keys." "(CHUCKLING)" "Yeah, Sam, he's a great guy." "Uh-huh." "Yeah, he's letting me stay here just for, uh, for a little bit." "That's great, Miss..." "Samantha Wellman." "Samantha Wellman." "Lou, but you knew that already." "Yeah, Sam, uh, speaks very highly of you." "Is that right?" "Yeah." "Let me know if there's anything I can do for you?" "All right, cool, cool." "Thanks, Lou." "Boom, yeah." "Cool!" "(MUSIC PLAYING)" "(CELL PHONE CHIMING)" "Doc!" "Ah, I knew that you'd call." "Dude, yo, yo, yo, you get those test results back yet?" "Look, I don't know who you are or what you think you're doing, lady, but this stopped being funny a long time ago." "Now where the hell is Sa?" "Doc, come on, dude!" "It's me, it's Sam!" "You gotta... (GRUNTING) Ugh!" "Ugh!" "Hey, baby." "Hey, hey, hey." "How's it going?" "Good." "Mmm..." "(CELL PHONE RINGING)" "Melissa, hey, yeah." "Really?" "No messages." "Yeah, I called him, but some lady keeps answering." "I don't know who she is." "Call girl." "I'm sure he is just sleeping it off in a motel somewhere, you know?" "(SIGHING) Okay." "Yeah, let me know as soon as you hear anything, please, okay?" "Bye." "(SCOFFS)" "Honey, Sam's a big boy." "He can take care of himself." "(MUSIC PLAYING)" "(CELL PHONE RINGING) You gotta be kidding me." "All right, lady, you win!" "Now where the hell is Sam?" "Oh, my God, I am so sick of Sam." "(SIGHS)" "Okay, okay." "Either Boo-Boo apologizes and gets very snuggly, very quickly, or Soo-Soo is gonna squeeze Boo-Boo's balls." "And I guarantee, you're not gonna like it." "(MOANS)" "Boo-Boo, what's the matter?" "DOC:" "I'm sorry." "Did Boo-Boo take all his vitamins today?" "DOC:" "Yeah, yeah." "I just left something at work." "I have to go to work, yeah." "Ugh." "At 11:30 at night?" "(SIGHS) Okay, God, I must be crazy." "(MOANING)" "Oh, fuck." "Okay, but you'll process that right away." "Rush job." "JOHNNY: (ON PHONE) I'll do my best." "Maybe tomorrow." "No promises." "(KNOCKING ON DOOR)" "Excuse me, Doctor, your 1:00 p.m. is here." "Okay, I'll be out in a minute." "(DOOR CLOSES)" "Just let me know as soon as you hear something, okay?" "Melissa, come on, where the hell is he?" "We have a very important lunch meeting today." "I've tried him on both lines, Mr. Cavalo." "Yes, and?" "And he hasn't answered, and he isn't answering his e-mails either." "I don't care what kind of a bender he's on, it's just not like him." "Well, he had a bachelor party that he had to go to." "I know, who do you think got him the strippers?" "(MIMICKING GUNFIRE)" "(MIMICS ITALIAN ACCENT) Now you sleep with the fishes," "Don Cheech." "(MIMICS EXPLOSION)" "Boo-Boo?" "(GRUNTS)" "What?" "(SIGHS)" "Why couldn't you have been a chiropodist?" "What?" "You stare at it all day." "And now you've lost your sex drive!" "(SOBBING)" "(MAN AND WOMAN MOANING ON TV)" "(TV CLICKS)" "(SAM MOANING)" "Okay, "I have been called away by a family emergency." ""My cousin, Samantha, is here to save the day." ""She's got just as much experience as me" ""and can cover my accounts just as well as me" ""until I get back from..." ""From..." No." ""Till I get back."" "Huh." "Cousin Samantha, huh?" "Well, as long as she's hot." "(CHUCKLING)" "Could I get some help over here?" "Oh." "Okay, all right." "♪" "Morning, morning." "WOMAN:" "Good morning." "Excuse me, can I help you?" "Margaret. (CHUCKLES)" "Er, do I know you?" "Right, um, indirectly." "I am Sam Wellman's cousin." "Samantha." "What a pleasure to meet you." "Sam has just told me so... (CHUCKLES)" "Well, actually, he never mentioned you at all." "That didn't come out right." "Oh, no, no, no, no, it's fine, um, see," "Sam and I have a..." "A very complex relationship." "But look, I'm happy to help out in his time of need." "Okay, I hope everything is okay with your family, I mean..." "Oh, yeah, yeah, I'm sure everything will be just fine." "Mmm-hmm, I'm gonna go see Mr. Cavalo." "Sure, let me show you." "No, it's fine, I know..." "Sam. (CHUCKLES)" "Right." "Gonna do that dinner, though, Margaret, I swear." "(MOUTHING)" "(EXHALES)" "Ah, Melissa, good." "Samantha Wellman, Sam's fine, everything's good." "He will be back soon." "Nice to meet you, Miss Wellman." "Oh, please, Mel." "Sam, Samantha, Sam, just like the other guy, cool?" "Yeah, up, up, come." "Uh, go grab me that Lulu file like a good girl, huh?" "Sure." "You look great in that dress, oof." "(SIGHS)" "(CHUCKLING)" "Sam never told me about you." "And now I know why." "(CHUCKLES)" "Why?" "Come on in." "Can I offer you a drink?" "A Bloody Mary?" "Sit." "So Samantha." "So Seymour." "Welcome to the family." "Yeah, no." "Um, why don't we talk about the Lulu account?" "Sam has given me a thorough briefing." "Let's not talk about business yet." "We haven't even gotten to know each other." "Yeah, well, you know, Sam's gonna be back before we know it, so..." "I hope." "Think!" "Think." "We gotta get to know each other, right?" "Family." "One of the family." "(BOTH CHUCKLING)" "Do you know the first thing I notice about a woman?" "Her ass?" "Exa..." "No!" "Her eyes." "Oh, yeah, okay." "What?" "Our eyes are the windows to our soul." "And I can see that our windows are connecting beautifully." "Oh, oh, are they?" "You know, maybe you and I should grab a bite." "Dinner tonight." "Oh, you know what?" "I can't." "I actually, I have plans." "Cancel them." "With my boyfriend." "Invite him, bring him along." "We can always send him home early. (CHUCKLES)" "Yeah, but, you know, it..." "It's our anniversary." "So three's a crowd kind of a thing." "Maybe tomorrow night." "Yeah, okay." "So, yeah, no, I actually, I gotta go." "I'm gonna go, I have to work." "Work, work, work, you know, see you, Sey." "I'm gonna work." "Work, work, work!" "Samantha, hi." "Margaret." "Everything go well with Seymour?" "He can be a little brusque." "Yeah." "Fine, just fine." "Here." "Here, let me help." "You know, you just let me know if there's anything" "I can do for you during your stay with us." "Thanks, Margaret, thanks a million." "Sam would want that, don't you think?" "Yeah." "Listen, you knew my name when you came in." "Sam must've talked about me." "Did he?" "Uh, yeah, yeah, he did." "He said, um..." ""Margaret..." (CLICKS TONGUE)" ""Great gal."" "Uh, you have a wonderful day." "You too." "(SIGHS)" "(GLASSES CLINKING)" "Who are those for?" "Sam?" "No, they're for you, Soo-Soo." "12 white roses for "I'm sorry,"" "and one red rose for "I love you."" "13?" "(CHUCKLING)" "Here's to you, Soo-Soo." "Mmm." "(CELL PHONE RINGING)" "No, no." "Just..." "Don't." "Let me..." "Don't." "Check really quick." "See who it is." "(SIGHS) If that's Sam and you answer it, we are so over." "Johnny, did you get the results?" "This is the goddamnedest thing." "I've never seen such a spot-on correlation between male and female DNA." "What?" "Ever." "Ever." "Never." "I've seen identical twins that were nowhere near this close." "But..." "How, um..." "Who do these belong to anyway?" "Thanks, Johnny." "I owe you one." "So, uh, what was that all about?" "If I'm not being too inquisitive." "It's a long story." "(SIGHS)" "Good, so write me a letter." "Okay." "(EXHALES)" "You son of a bitch." "DOC:" "Okay." "(SCOFFS)" "(BANGING ON DOOR)" "Okay, okay!" "Oh." "(COUGHS)" "(BANGING CONTINUES) Okay, all right, all right." "Keep your pants on!" "Ugh." "Doc, Doc, did you hear?" "Yeah, oh, yeah, I heard." "So now you believe me." "I don't know what to believe." "Yeah, but it was a match, right?" "That's what the man said." "Yes!" "Uh..." "Oh." "All right." "I don't necessarily believe you." "Okay, you dumb bastard, what more proof do you need?" "But I don't necessarily think that you're lying either." "I just..." "(SIGHS) Jesus." "Yeah, well, I've been busy, pal." "That's what Sam always said." "Said?" "Dude, I'm not dead." "I'm standing right here." "Oh, God, I need a drink, Jesus." "Doc, you're my best friend." "Actually, you're my only friend." "Doc, you gotta believe me." "Man, you gotta help me." "I just..." "I don't know where to turn." "I wanna..." "I wanna help you, Sam." "Sam, that's a good start." "But I don't know how." "Well, goddamned if I know!" "When did this happen?" "After the bachelor party." "And what did you say to me right when you left the bachelor party?" "Mind your own frickin' business." "Shit." "Prick." "So I go into this little shop down in the Village," "I talk to some funny old dude." "I go home, I wake up in the morning, and I'm a chick." "Do you remember where this place was?" "Well, I don't know exactly." "Well, come on." "Come on!" "(MOANS)" "DOC:" "So where's this magical shop?" "I'm telling you, this is the street." "Hmm." "Sure." "Um, excuse me." "Hi, excuse me." "I'm sorry, is there, um, like a little bric-a-brac shop on this street?" "A what?" "You know, like, um, uh, a shop with like a whole bunch of old crap in it?" "MAN:" "In this neighborhood?" "Yeah." "Yeah, maybe like 50 years ago." "You know what the rent is like around here?" "(CHUCKLES)" "(MOCKING) "You know what the rent is like around here?"" "Nah-nah." "Bric-a-brac?" "Okay, okay, fine." "Maybe it's not this street." "Maybe you're not Sam." "I have patients in the morning, and I'm gonna go." "No, no, wait, okay, wait, wait." "Just..." "Can we meet tomorrow then at our spot?" "You know what I'm talking about?" "I do, but do you?" "Alice in Wonderland statue, Central Park." "Well?" "Dude, come on, deal?" "Cool." "She even eats like him." "(SIGHS)" "Why, you got a problem?" "You're a pig." "Yeah, well, I'm hungry." "(MOUTHFUL) Hey, finished with that?" "No?" "All right, let's go to your office." "I want you to examine me." "(EXCLAIMS) What?" "No!" "No." "Eww, no way!" "Maybe you can find something." "Like my cock." "No." "Why the hell not?" "Because it's weird, that's why." "I'm not looking for your cock." "I'll send you a referral or something." "I don't want another gynecologist, I want you." "You're my best friend." "Nice talking to you." "(CHUCKLING)" "My gynecologist." "I hear he's very good." "(INDISTINCT CHATTER)" "SAM:" "Yo, Sey." "Lulu, you are looking lovely as usual." "I'm sorry, who are you?" "Oh, Lulu, this is Sam's cousin, Samantha." "She's just filling in for Sam while he's off on some little sabbatical." "Family business." "Oh." "Oh, nothing serious." "Uh, but excuse me." "I gotta take a leak." "A pee..." "A pi..." "Um..." "Gonna use the little girl's room." "(CLICKS TONGUE)" "She's quite a pistol, that one. (CHUCKLES)" "Seymour, that girl needs a makeover." "She cannot meet my new partner looking like that." "You're absolutely right." "I'll speak to her." "You know, she's not from New York." "Oh, where is she from?" "Uh, she's from, uh..." "Um, actually, I don't know where she's from." "Well, just make sure she does something with herself." "Yes, darling." "And Seymour, you haven't forgotten our little toys for our rendezvous later tonight?" "Or else you will feel the sting of my spatula." "No, I..." "(BOTH CHUCKLING)" "I'm never without them." "And besides, I love the sting of your spatula." "Mmm." "I have got you trained so well, don't I?" "Who's your little puppy?" "Mmm." "(BARKS) Oh!" "(LAUGHING)" "Mmm." "See you later." "Mmm-hmm. (BARKS)" "(EXHALES) Samantha?" "Oh!" "Down." "Do what?" "(WHISPERS) Get down." "Okay, um, is this yours?" "Oh, yeah." "(CHUCKLES)" "Damned earring." "I don't know how the hell they wear these things." "Oh, they fall out so easy." "Listen, um, I know it's sometimes rough starting a new job, but I think you will like it here." "Yeah, yeah, I'm, uh, getting used to it already." "I just want you to know that I'm here for you, okay?" "Thanks, Margaret." "Yeah, thanks a lot." "You know, us girls gotta stick together." "Um, yeah." "Listen, um, have you heard from Sam?" "Sam?" "Oh, God, are you okay?" "I mean, Samantha." "Could I have a word with you, please?" "Uh, yeah." "Margaret." "Thank you." "Gotcha." "What's going on around here?" "Oh, shit." "You're beside yourself." "What's going on?" "I'm fine." "Everything's fine." "Well, listen, we have this very important presentation for Lulu coming up." "Yeah, I know, I'm..." "I'm working on it right now." "Right, well, I need you to do me a favor." "I'd like you to go see my friend, Al." "He's a..." "He's an image consultant." "Phew." "You think I need an image consultant?" "I mean, it couldn't hurt to let him fix you up a little bit." "I mean, on the company, of course." "Okay, if you..." "That's what you think that I need." "I mean, come on." "All women love makeovers, right?" "I'm not all women, believe me." "Oh, believe me, I believe you." "I can see for myself." "I mean, sometimes you seem really tense, you know?" "Okay." "What's the matter?" "I give a great massage." "Yeah, well, you know, I..." "Have very tender muscles." "(CHUCKLING) Tell me about it." "I have a tender muscle as we speak." "Yeah, okay, so what..." "What kind of a makeover were you thinking?" "Nah, just, you know, maybe a little makeup." "And hair and maybe a little cleavage, you know." "Something a little more flattering down here." "Okay, yeah, goddamn it, Seymour." "What?" "You're a frickin' octopus, you know that?" "Samantha, that language is very unladylike." "Oh, yeah?" "Who said I'm a lady, huh?" "Look, I know you're upset." "Come here." "I just wanna give you a hug." "Hey, can I do anything for you?" "Yeah, yeah, you can." "You can get me a frickin' gun." "(SEYMOUR CHUCKLES)" "Wow." "Very sensitive." "Clearly." "How 'bout you?" "How 'bout me what?" "Are you tense?" "Loose as a goose, Mr. Cavalo." "Shame." "(SIGHS)" "Yes, Miss, what can I get you?" "Okay, uh, let's see, a pint and a shot of whiskey, please." "And, um, actually, can you give me the whiskey while you pour the pint?" "Certainly." "You look like you could use one." "Here you go." "Enjoy." "Oh." "You know, I just love a woman who knows how to drink a drink." "Are you ser..." "Seriously, dude, just screw off, all right?" "You..." "You don't have to get nasty." "I was gonna buy you the next one." "Maybe two." "Okay, you know what?" "Barkeep, here." "Cancel the pint." "Screw off, man." "Your loss, baby." "Hi, may I offer you some scotch and sofa?" "Oh." "(GASPING)" "(SAM SHRIEKING)" "(DOORBELL BUZZING)" "DOC:" "What is go..." "I'll get rid of whoever it is, all right?" "(KNOCKING ON DOOR)" "Yah!" "Yes?" "Jesus." "(PANTING)" "Doc." "Oh, no." "Please, no." "I'm bleeding." "Now is not a good time." "I have been hemorrhaging all night down there." "You're menstruating." "(EXCLAIMING) What?" "You're having your period." "I'm riding the cotton pony?" "Andrew?" "Doesn't your colorful friend realize that office hours haven't begun?" "Doc, what am I gonna do?" "Buy yourself some tampons." "Oh, my God." "Okay, you need to leave right now." "You need to..." "You need to get out of here." "Andrew, you should make her leave this instant." "Oh, she's still bossing you around, huh?" "Oh!" "Andrew, I can't believe that you are letting this creature talk to me like that." "(MOCKING) "Oh, Andrew, I can't believe you're allowing" ""this creature to talk to me like that."" "Fuck you and the horse that you rode in on." "DOC:" "Please, please!" "Do I have to throw you out myself?" "Oh!" "Try it, bitch." "I am warning you, I do kickboxing." "(CHUCKLING) Chicks only hit chicks in the movies, am I right?" "(SLAPS)" "Yeah?" "(GASPING) Yeah!" "DOC:" "Stop it, stop, stop!" "(SHRIEKING) Ah!" "Ow!" "Get off of me!" "(GRUNTING)" "(SQUEALING)" "(SAM SHOUTS)" "(CYNTHIA SCREAMING)" "Stop!" "Get her off of me!" "God!" "No!" "All right, enough, enough!" "She started it!" "She started it!" "Sam, I think you better go." "Sam?" "Did you just call her Sam?" "Samantha, she's, uh, Sam's cousin." "Oh." "Oh, okay, well, this makes perfect sense." "Shut up." "Why doesn't she go?" "Because she is my fiancee." "And you are my patient." "Don't ever do this again." "Wait, no, can we just..." "Can we just talk about this?" "Later." "Well, wait, but later-later, or never-later?" "Just go." "Oh." "Wait." "Well, what am I supposed to do with these?" "(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)" "(WHISPERING) Great." "You're her to see Mr. Blondell?" "Yeah, yeah." "Okay, he's with a client." "I gotta get back." "(EXCLAIMS)" "Whatever you do, don't make a sound." "And don't touch anything." "Okay." "(CLICKS TONGUE)" "Mother, isn't it just divine?" "It's..." "It's glorious." "Shall I wrap it?" "Alexander?" "ALEXANDER:" "I can see clear now that my work is done here." "(ALL CHUCKLING)" "Thank you, Alexander." "You're wonderful." "Mwah, mwah." "Thank you." "Mwah, mwah." "Come on, honey, you look gorgeous!" "Oh, Marie, pretty box." "Oh, and don't forget the purse!" "You're Samantha, my 1:30." "Yeah, no." "No, I'm a..." "I'm a..." "I gotta go." "Come here." "Okay, look, pal..." "I am not pal." "I am Alexander Blondell." "Cool, uh, look, Al..." "Mr. Blondell." "Blondie." "Mr. Blondell." "Okay, well, this is clearly a mistake." "I don't make mistakes." "I make miracles." "And, my dear, you are in desperate need of one." "Now come here." "I don't bite." "Unless you displease me." "(CHUCKLES)" "Turn around." "Gum." "Hmm..." "Hmm." "Hmm." "Is..." "No, det-det-det-det." "I'm evaluating you." "Skin, repulsive." "Nails, oh, my God, what are you a migrant worker?" "That hair." "Did you just throw up?" "Mmm." "I do believe that covers the preliminaries." "Okay, cool, so what's the deal then?" "Did I pass or what?" "(CHUCKLING)" "If you had passed, there would be nothing for us to do." "(SIGHING)" "My studio, tomorrow, 3:00 p.m., and let's do try to be on time now." "Shall we?" "Marie, do something." "ALEXANDER:" "Yes, there is such a thing as an overheated balance." "Look at it!" "No, I do not want puce." "I do not want pilot." "It's all..." "It looks like a... (KNOCKING) Entrez, entrez!" "It looks like a bad Picasso, really." "No, I don't mean to insult you." "I know he's fantastic." "He's a wonderful designer, but I..." "Oh, oh, my God." "I'll have to call you back." "My 3:00 lump of clay has arrived." "Be a dear, put this on." "(SNIFFLING)" "Uh, yeah, man, listen, uh," "I'm not here for dance lessons." "Oh, honey, after 30 years in choreography, the last thing I want to do is to give you a dance lesson." "I am here to teach you to be a girl." "What?" "Oh, you know, pink ribbons and petticoats." "Should I try bangs?" "Let's bake brownies and call boys." "You're kidding, right?" "Oh, don't think of it as losing your Quasimodo posture or... (SIGHS) that hair." "Think of it as gaining a new sense of style." "Not to mention a brand-new arsenal in the war between the sexes." "Yeah, see, dude, uh, my sexes are warring enough, so... (SHUSHING) No." "No." "No!" "My "galdar" tells me you like to wager." "I'm sorry, did you say "galdar"?" "Yes, it's like gaydar except it reads women flawlessly." "Hmm." "You like to bet." "Yeah, I mean, I've, uh," "I've shuffled a deck or two." "Well, I've got a wager for you." "If after two weeks with me, you're not knocking them dead," "I'll pay you my fee." "All right, pal, you're on." "Okay, I detect a pattern here." "It's not pal, it's not dude, it's Mr. Blondell." "M-I-S-T-E-R B-L-O-N-D-E-L-L." "All right, whatever." "Now put this on." "No, dude, I..." "I'm not wearing a tutu." "It is not a tutu, now put it on." "Okay, fine, whatever." "Where do you want me to put on the fucking tutu?" "Oh, man." "You can wash your mouth out, you little slut." "Any time before Armageddon will be fine." "Ugh!" "Dude, seriously, I'm not coming out in this." "Come out, come out, whatever you are." "To the mirror." "To the mirror." "Tutu's creeping up my butt." "Not a pleasant journey for the Lycra, now is it?" "Hands out of your leotard." "(SIGHING)" "Look at yourself." "What do you see?" "Um..." "I don't know, I see someone who should've left ten minutes ago?" "I see beauty." "Just the very inkling of it." "First little bud pushing its head above the earth." "But it is there." "And for the next two weeks, you and I are going to feed it and water it and grow it into the most magnificent flower of feminine exquisiteness since Audrey Hepburn had her breakfast at Tiffany's." "And so, my little gamine, do you have the courage to bloom?" "Uh, um..." "I don't know, would it make a difference if I said no?" "Absolutely not." "(SOFTLY) Let's get started." "♪" "(INAUDIBLE)" "♪" "All right, Mrs. Smith?" "No." "Doc, you okay?" "No." "SAM:" "Doc." "No." "SAM:" "Doc!" "No." "SAM: (SIGHS) Doc?" "(DOC EXHALES)" "Doc, please just hear me out." "No." "(SHAKILY) Doc, please." "You have five minutes." "Well, I paid for an hour." "I'll reimburse you." "Four minutes, 50 seconds." "Why don't you start by telling me what the hell you're doing in my office?" "Well, I tried calling you." "I've tried e-mailing you." "It's been two weeks!" "I was hoping you'd get the message." "What message?" "The message..." "That my life was fine before you happened!" "And totally screwed everything up." "Did you think I was just gonna forget how you nearly broke up Cynthia and I?" "Doc, we're dudes." "We fight, get drunk, and then make up." "We are not dudes, Sam!" "Only one of us is a dude!" "That's the problem!" "(EXHALES)" "That's always going to be the problem." "Don't you think that I'm sick of this, too?" "Hearing Alvin the Chipmunk coming out of my mouth every time I speak?" "Having this face staring back at me every morning!" "Okay, relax, it's not such a bad face." "Maybe you could get used to it." "No, Doc, no." "I'm not gonna get used to this." "I don't wanna live this life anymore." "Hey, don't talk like that." "(EXHALES)" "You know about..." "About drugs and hormone therapy and all that, so..." "I don't know, maybe if I was a dude again, then everything would just be okay." "You know, maybe we could go back to being friends." "You're serious." "As a heart attack." "What you're talking about requires a lot more than hormones." "How much more?" "We're talking about serious stuff." "I mean, it's a full sex change." "Major, major stuff." "How major we talking?" "(MUTTERING)" "You okay?" "You sure you wanna do this?" "Give it some time, okay?" "Take a minute." "How about we..." "We just think it over and... (EXHALES)" "Okay." "Let's just keep this between the two of us, all right?" "Mum's the word, pal." "You know, I am..." "I'm starving." "Wanna grab a bite?" "And the man at the store insisted that the ring was two carats, but I swear it was a karat and a half at most, and I wanted it yellow backed, anyway." "(SIGHS)" "Oh, and get a medial dome to go with the blooming veil." "I mean, a Y-dome would just get lost in that kind of a dress, you know?" "Oh, my God." "What?" "I understood them." "Who?" "Them." "I understood what they said, I..." "Doc, I speak woman." "Or, is it "womanese"?" "(FORK CLATTERS)" "Okay, you know what?" "Five bucks." "Five bucks says I know what they said." "Yeah?" "You're on." "What'd they say?" "(SCOFFS)" "(INDISTINCT CHATTER)" "Uh, excuse me, I... (CHUCKLES) Ladies, I'm sorry," "I don't mean to be rude." "I kinda have a bet going with a friend, and I just wanted to ask you guys, are you talking about matching a yellow diamond with a blue veil?" "As a matter of fact, we were, but..." "Who the hell told you that anyway?" "Him." "WOMEN: (BOTH) Check, please!" "DOC:" "Where'd you learn to eat like that?" "Been taking lessons." "(CHUCKLING)" "It's really good to see you smile for a change." "(CHUCKLES)" "So, am I allowed to ask about you and you-know-who?" "No." "(SLAMS FORK)" "We're fine, okay?" "She's fine." "That good, huh?" "Okay, okay, okay, I'm..." "Look, I'm behaving." "This is me behaving." "What?" "Nothing." "(CLEARING THROAT)" "Um..." "(CLEARING THROAT)" "In the office, uh, did you really mean what you said about me not looking so bad?" "(CHUCKLES)" "Fishing for compliments?" "Whatever, forget it." "I..." "I, uh, meant what I said." "You look pretty okay." "I look pretty okay or I look pretty, okay?" "You know what I mean." "And for the record, you don't sound like Alvin the Chipmunk." "I don't, really?" "Theodore, maybe." "(LAUGHING)" "Hey, um..." "I need you to explain something to me." "The doctor is in." "I, uh... (CHUCKLES)" "I need you to explain to me why there is nothing happening down there." "You skipped your period." "What?" "Oh, my God." "No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no." "I, um..." "You know, there's nothing happening." "What?" "Oh, God." "You know, I look at girls, nothing." "I look at guys, nothing." "I look at porn, nothing." "So, what am I, frigid?" "Do I have some kind of mental problems?" "I mean... (SIGHS) I don't know, I feel like a fucking female eunuch." "What?" "What?" "A little louder." "I don't think they heard you in Cleveland." "Tsk." "Look..." "It's complex." "Complex?" "You touch 'em in the right spot, they get hot." "Some women can achieve full arousal as quickly as men." "Most can't." "(SCOFFS) Yeah, but that's just plumbing." "It takes them a little longer to warm up, but with me, there's just like nothing happening." "Women have a completely different mind-body connection than men." "Their arousal is more subtle." "It's more intricate." "Which, translated from New Age psychobabble, means what?" "They have to really like the person they're with to feel fully aroused." "Let's face it, women are complicated." "Yeah, you're telling me." "(CELL PHONE RINGING)" "Oh, shoot." "The office." "Meeting got pushed up." "I gotta go." "(INHALES SHARPLY)" "No." "What's wrong?" "Can, um..." "Can I just call you later and maybe talk more about the issue?" "Sure." "Just, uh, remember to stay out of trouble." "Promise." "Cross my tits and hope to die." "(CLICKS TONGUE, CHUCKLING)" "See ya." "You look so nice, Samantha. (CHUCKLING)" "Thanks, Margaret." "So do you." "Okay, they're waiting for you in the conference room." "I punched up the graphics in the proposal." "Added some extras." "Wow." "Nice work, Margaret." "(CHUCKLING)" "(INDISTINCT)" "Well, she certainly cleans up nicely." "You look..." "Stunning." "I..." "I mean stun-ning." "(CHUCKLES) Uh, come over here and sit next to Seymour." "I'm fine right over here." "Allow me to introduce my joint venture partner," "Jean Georges Verham." "Le Conte de Cassis." "Exquisite." "It is truly my pleasure." "Um, uh, thank you." "(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)" "Have you ever beheld the Seine at night?" "The bridges alight." "A place for lovers." "Well, you're in Manhattan now, Jean Georges." "Yes, can we please begin the presentation, please?" "Perhaps we could meet a bit later?" "Oh, you know, um..." "I'm..." "I'm very busy right now." "My schedule is just filling up very rapidly." "Hmm, quel dommage, ma petite." "(BOTH CHUCKLING)" "LULU:" "Samantha, as I recall, you had some wonderful ideas about our Internet campaign?" "Oh, yes." "And before I begin," "I would like to just say thank you to Margaret for all the wonderful work that she did on these reports." "Now, as you can see from this chart, the models that we used on this season's online campaign scored highest between the ages of 34 and 44." "And the numbers start to lessen as we..." "LULU: (SOFTLY) Seymour, darling, if you do not remove your nose from Samantha's, admittedly, attractive derriere immediately... (CLEARING THROAT)" "I will not be tying you up or spanking you tonight, or any other night, and you will lose my account." "Are we perfectly clear?" "Perfectly clear." "Oh, good." "Mwah." "SAM: certain things that are gonna get men's attention." "Great." "Fabulous." "Gorgeous." "(CHUCKLES)" "An excellent presentation, Sam." "May I call you Sam?" "I prefer it, actually." "We will be in touch about the details." "I look forward to it." "I think this calls for a little promotion." "We'll go over the specifics in my office." "Cocktails mandatory." "(CHUCKLES) How about we skip the cocktails and settle on 20% raise?" "Huh?" "Well, then I would be earning as much as Sam for doing the exact same job." "Yeah, well, that's..." "A raise, I think that's a capital idea." "And a bonus, too." "I mean, after all, she's earned it, hasn't she?" "I suppose we could do a bonus, but..." "Seymour..." "Remember our little understanding, don't you?" "Oh, of course." "Everything's perfectly clear, my little tigress." "Mmm..." "Meow, baby." "(CHUCKLING)" "I think a raise this big deserves a hug." "Ah, you don't know what you're missing." "Oh, I'm pretty sure I do." "And another thing." "That promotion, it's going to Margaret." "Huh?" "It is?" "Yeah, she earned it." "Actually, she should've gotten it three years ago, but you and Sam were too busy stealing all of her ideas to give it to her." "I don't know about that." "I do." "And I'm sure Lulu would love to hear about Margaret's contributions over the years." "You would do that?" "Us girls have to stick together." "Uh..." "Samantha." "Hey, Margaret." "You know, you didn't need to say that about me in the meeting and to Mr. Cavalo." "Actually, I did." "I don't know how to thank you." "Just keep doing what you're doing." "Um, I have a favor." "Maybe I shouldn't ask." "No, of course, of course, anything." "Um, if you speak with your cousin, would you tell him something for me?" "Of course." "Would you tell him that, you know," "I think about him every day and I really miss him." "You do?" "Sure, he's a..." "He's a really great guy." "(CHUCKLES) He was?" "Is?" "Yeah, uh..." "Tell you the truth, I have the worst crush on him." "And, um, why is that?" "He played like he didn't care about anyone special, but..." "I knew it was just an act." "Deep down, he has a really romantic heart." "A girl can just see these things." "Oh, and please, don't tell him" "I said that about the romantic stuff." "And thanks again." "Of course." "(DOC MOANING)" "Mmm-hmm." "That feels good, Sam." "Sam?" "Mmm." "What is it, Soo-Soo?" "You, you just called me Sam." "No, I didn't." "Yes, you most certainly did." "What the..." "What the hell is going on right now?" "What are you talking about?" "(SCOFFS) Is it that cousin of his?" "That little tramp that showed up here faking her period?" "She wasn't faking it." "(SCOFFS) Oh, so now you're defending her?" "No, what, I..." "You're..." "That's not what I said, I..." "Oh, my God." "Oh, my God, you're gay!" "(GASPING)" "What?" "That's it!" "I've been a perfect fool." "You and Mr. Sleazebag have been having a secret affair behind my back, and all this time" "I thought you were straight!" "Oh, my God!" "Oh, my God!" "(PANTING)" "Oh, my God." "You, you might be one really good actor, but you are one lousy human being." "I'm straight." "Can we just talk this over?" "There's nothing to talk about." "Good-bye!" "Don't be like this!" "You're making things up." "Oh." "Can we just communicate?" "What..." "Sit down for a second." "We'll talk..." "You make me sick!" "Get over yourself, man." "Soo-Soo..." "(RING CLATTERS TO FLOOR)" "Boo-Boo is sorry." "(RING CLATTERS TO FLOOR)" "(SIGHS)" "Shit." "So how bad a fight was it?" "I didn't say we had a fight." "You didn't have to." "You got that post-fight look." "Droopy shoulders, a little mopey around the edges." "Sam, I don't wanna talk about it." "All right, fine, man, suit yourself." "(EXHALES)" "Hey, dude." "What about me?" "What about you?" "Well, I might be a few pounds lighter, but I can still catch a football." "Sam, we don't play tackle football with women." "End of discussion." "Dude, I still got the chops, come..." "Case closed." "Sexist pig." "I heard that." "Ready?" "Yeah, I guess so." "All right, guys, let's play some football!" "Yeah, this chick..." "Her name's Samantha." "She's Sam's cousin." "Yeah, Steve." "Sam's told me all about you, dude." "Congratulations on the wedding, by the way." "From what Sam tells me, you're getting, uh, quite a girl." "Okay." "(CLEARING THROAT)" "SAM:" "Quite a girl." "Are you kidding about playing?" "Yeah, she's kidding." "No, no, she's not kidding." "We're all great football players in my family." "And believe me, guys, I know how to handle a ball." "(LAUGHTER)" "JOEY:" "I'm sure you do." "SAM:" "One play." "No." "Just give me one." "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, okay." "Okay, let's let her play, one play." "Come on, let's go." "You're overruled." "Come on, one play." "Let's do it." "JOEY:" "Come on, guys." "Red team, ball." "Whoo!" "JOEY:" "I hope you're better than Sam!" "Team!" "Set, hike." "(GRUNTING)" "Oh, got it!" "Oh, shit!" "(MEN LAUGHING)" "You, fucking, Steve!" "You get off of me!" "Steve, stop grabbing my ass!" "(MEN SCREAMING)" "Fucker!" "DOC:" "Wait, what?" "Get off, Steve!" "God!" "Save it for Georgette!" "What?" "MAN:" "You better shut this girl up." "No, I know how much you like the ass play." "DOC:" "Relax." "Come on." "No, you know what, I don't even know why you're hanging out with this bitch instead of Cynthia anyway." "Don't call her a bitch, Stephen." "Oh, she's a bitch." "Okay, so now I'm a bitch." "Oh, you're a Grade A bitch." "DOC:" "I told you not to call her a bitch." "Oh, sorry, little bitch." "Guys, guys..." "DOC:" "Fucking asshole." "(MEN SHOUTING)" "Fight!" "Relax, come on, relax." "Listen, come on, we're all friends." "Shake hands, come on." "Uh-huh." "We're friends." "Doc." "Come on, man, it's okay." "Let it go." "No." "It's not okay, all right?" "Nothing is okay." "SAM:" "Doc." "You were right." "She left me!" "Are you happy now?" "SAM:" "Come on, man, can we just chat about it?" "No, just go home." "All right, I'm sick of you." "Hey, what about the game?" "Samantha?" "I want her on my team next time." "Shit." "Ugh!" "Bunch of assholes!" "Freakin' Steve." "(EXHALES)" "(SNIFFLING)" "(EXHALES)" "(SIGHING)" "(SOBBING)" "(SOBBING CONTINUES)" "(KNOCKING ON DOOR)" "(EXHALES)" "Peace offering." "Listen, Doc, um..." "I know that Cynthia and I don't get along, but if she's what you want, then..." "Lately, I don't know what I want." "I do know I am sick of getting my balls busted by her." "Well, at least you have balls." "Oh, God." "You're having a muscle spasm." "No, it's fine, it's fine." "I'll just take some aspirin." "Who's the doctor here?" "Lay down." "Come on." "Turn over." "Okay." "Right there?" "Oh, God, yeah." "How does that feel?" "Oh, much better." "Mmm." "(CHUCKLING)" "I, um..." "I have to use the John." "(PATS ON BACK)" "Oh..." "Oh, my God." "She's alive." "(KNOCKING ON DOOR)" "You?" "Yes, me." "The doorman was kind enough to let me up." "And, um, I think it's time that, um, you know, you and I had a little talk." "SAM:" "Uh, what would you like to talk about?" "The fact that you stole my man, and I'd like him back." "Decent men in this city are few and far between." "Decent, straight, unmarried ones are even rarer." "Oh, you forgot rich." "(EXHALES)" "Women like me, okay, successful career women." "Women who think about tomorrow." "Women who plan maybe five, ten years ahead in their life, we sometimes, we have to settle." "Settle?" "Settle, or were you born yesterday?" "Actually, about a month ago." "Andrew is..." "He's well-bred, okay?" "He's handsome, he's got all the right credentials, and..." "He's gonna make an excellent father to our children." "Wow, you got it all planned out, don't you, sister?" "As a matter of fact, I do." "And he doesn't get a say in any of this?" "No, he doesn't." "But you do." "Which brings me to the point of my visit." "Oh?" "How much?" "What?" "(CHUCKLING) You heard me." "How much do you want to, uh, let him go?" "I'm sorry, are you trying to buy me off?" "I mean, you're obviously the type, you know?" "I mean, if it walks like a duck..." "How would you like me to belt you in the mouth like a duck?" "Okay..." "Andrew." "I..." "I'm..." "I'm so sorry." "Just please..." "Please what?" "Bark?" "Roll over?" "(SIGHING) Play dead?" "We are so... done" "(SIGHING) Okay." "All right, well, when you change your mind and you come begging, don't bother calling, okay, because I'm changing my number." "Change your hairstyle while you're at it." "Ugh..." "It's really not a good..." "(DOOR CLOSES) look on her, you know?" "(SIGHING)" "Look, Doc, I would say that I'm sorry, but, you know, I'm..." "I'm just..." "I'm just not." "Please." "You just did me the biggest favor of my life." "Yeah?" "Were you really gonna belt her?" "Hell, yeah." "Spunky little thing, aren't you?" "(CORK POPS)" "In a manner of speaking." "Damn." "What?" "I just realized I don't have a date to Steve's wedding." "(SNORTS)" "You're still going to that thing?" "You saw, we shook." "Well, I would go with you only..." "You are going with me." "Yeah, man, I don't really think that Steve would be cool with that." "Tough." "We're a team, package deal." "Anybody who doesn't like it can shove it." "All right, man, cool." "Package deal." "Oh..." "SAM:" "I can't zip this thing up." "ALEXANDER:" "Suck it in, girl." "SAM:" "Come on, this dress is not made for a human being." "It's made for a..." "ALEXANDER:" "Anorexic mannequin?" "(CHUCKLES) Welcome to the world of high fashion." "Now get out there, killer." "Doc, what do you think?" "Is this appropriate enough for the wedding?" "I... (GULPING)" "Uh..." "Oh, hashtag clue." "A dress like this has nothing to do with appropriateness." "Its sole purpose is to engender insane jealousy among women." "And hormonal overload in the men." "Well, the straight ones, at least." "All the gay ones' eyeballs will be all over your boyfriend over here." "Oh, no, he's not my boyfriend." "I'm not her boyfriend." "They say rather loudly." "(CHUCKLES)" "So, Doc, what do you think?" "Is this the one?" "(CHUCKLES)" "Yeah, it's good." "(CLEARING THROAT)" "It's fine." "Write it up, Marie." "Excellent choice." "What?" "Oh, nothing, I was just thinking of the looks on the guys' faces if I play my game at the wedding." "Your what?" "The tricks that chicks use to get guys' attention?" "Okay." "For example..." "The hair toss." "The lipstick check." "ALEXANDER:" "Work it, work it." "If you got it, flaunt it." "(SOFTLY) I love that movie." "SAM:" "And last, but certainly not least, the stocking check." "Oh, my goodness." "Is that a run?" "How perfectly awful." "(CHUCKLING) Yeah." "Works like a charm every time." "But you gotta have the gams to back it up." "(CHUCKLES)" "ALEXANDER:" "All right, let's get this baby in a box and get you back in your street schmates." "Hmm." "Oh, my God." "(MOANING)" "(CONTINUES MOANING)" "(SIGHS)" "(CELL PHONE RINGING)" "Sam, what's going on?" "What, are..." "Is everything all right?" "You're downstairs?" "Um..." "Yeah, uh, yeah, just come on up." "All right, bye." "What am I doing?" "(SCOFFS)" "He's..." "She is sloppier than I am." "(SIGHS DEEPLY)" "(KNOCKING ON DOOR)" "Come on in." "(CLEARING THROAT)" "(DOOR OPENS)" "How's it going?" "Um, yeah, good, good, yeah, I think, um, probably." "Probably?" "What's wrong?" "You know what?" "I'm sorry, I, um..." "I'm gonna go." "This can..." "Oh!" "This isn't..." "This can wait." "Oh, hey." "Hold on, what's wrong?" "I'm sensing a disturbance in the Force." "What's going on?" "Well, it's, um, it's about the issue." "The issue?" "Yeah." "Ah, the issue, oh." "Yeah. (CHUCKLING)" "The issue, the..." "(CLEARING THROAT)" "You're still having problems with the arousal thing?" "Oh, God, no, no, actually, um, it's been fine." "Uh, how fine, like, um, you know, once a day?" "More." "Two, three times a day?" "More than three times?" "Yeah." "Per day?" "Yeah." "How much more?" "Six." "Today?" "Tonight." "You know what, Doc?" "I'm so sorry." "I'm really embarrassed." "I think..." "Yeah, I'm gonna, I'm gonna go." "Whoa, whoa!" "Come on, it's fine." "What's going on?" "I don't know, it's just that, you know, she's, um..." "She's being really specific about..." "About, um, who she wants." "Like, if I, um, if I think of, um, this one person, she gets, like, really, really happy." "And then if I think about anyone else, she gets, like, really cranky." "So, uh... (LIPS SMACKING) Who's the lucky, uh..." "No, no!" "Fuck, oh, fuck, no!" "Yeah, Doc, you know, oh, my God..." "No..." "It..." "Ah!" "It's so stupid." "I'm so sorry." "You know what, just forget that I said anything." "Oh, no, no." "Well, you know what, just wait, hold on." "Uh, um..." "Listen, I'm the one who should be apologizing here because you come in and then you are honest with me, and what I do is I play 20 questions with you." "Um, that's not fair 'cause..." "What you're dealing with is..." "You're trying to compact, like, 30 years of female psychological development into a few really short months and..." "And, um..." "I think that what you're gonna find is that, uh, in time the sexual focus, uh, shifts and it expands." "And that, uh, there are techniques you can use, um, to, uh... (STAMMERING)" "I'm babbling." "Yeah." "'Cause I'm completely full of shit." "Yep." "Sam!" "Buddy." "(LAUGHING)" "We..." "We used to chase babes together." "You know, we would..." "(CLEARING THROAT)" "We'd get hammered together." "I can't help it!" "She won't listen to me." "(GRUNTS)" "Time out." "Okay." "Time out." "Let's, um..." "Let's breathe." "(BOTH CHUCKLING ANXIOUSLY)" "Oh, that's good." "Right like that." "We're gonna breathe." "We had a moment and, uh, the moment passed." "And we're fine." "You're fine!" "I'm in heat!" "Sam..." "Oh, sit, just..." "Why don't you sit?" "Why don't, um... (SIGHS)" "Eat some chips." "And I'm gonna get, uh, you a beer." "We're gonna get a beer, and we're gonna talk this out." "Mmm." "(CRUNCHING)" "(SNIFFING)" "Oh..." "Oh." "That's nice." "DOC: (LAUGHING) You, you know..." "We are gonna look back at this, and we're gonna..." "(SNIFFING)" "Oh, God, you smell so... good." "Um... (CHUCKLES) That's..." "Those are, uh, it's just androgens." "Those are pheromones and it's a chemical... (MOANING)" "What?" "I'm getting the uncontrollable urge to... (GULPS) Cuddle." "Oh." "Wow." "Mmm." "Good day, Miss Wellman." "Well, you know what they say, Lou." "Every day above ground's a good one." "(CHUCKLING) Ain't that the truth." "(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)" "(CLICKS TONGUE, CHUCKLES)" "Wow." ""Ye Old Curiosity Shoppe." ""Tonight at midnight, to make the choice."" "♪" "(INAUDIBLE)" "Congratulations." "Oh, thanks, Doc." "Thanks for coming." "(INHALES SHARPLY) And, uh, you're here." "It was a beautiful ceremony." "Thank you." "So, you're Sam's cousin." "Same blood runs through our veins." "I've heard a lot about you." "Only good things, right?" "(CHUCKLES) So, uh, how is Sam doing anyway?" "Oh, uh, he's like a new person." "Sort of feels like he's with us here in spirit." "(CHUCKLES)" "Well, uh, we don't want to hoard all of your time." "Come on, Sam..." "Mantha." "Let's go get a cocktail." "Enjoy." "Weird." "Feeling a little bit cocky, eh?" "Sorry, couldn't resist." "(CHUCKLES)" "Oh. (CHUCKLES) Hi." "Hi." "(SIGHS)" "Having fun?" "Yeah." "Uh, you know, you're supposed to only get married once." "In theory, anyway." "Listen, Georgette, I, um..." "I know that you don't like me." "I don't really know you." "Um, I..." "(CHUCKLES)" "You know me better than you think." "I do?" "Oh, yeah, you know, that whole... (CHUCKLES) female intuition thing, right?" "Right." "Uh..." "Anyway, um..." "I hope I'm not out of line." "Um, just a thought." "If you want it to work out with Stephen," "I mean, really work out for the long haul, just be his friend, and everything will fall into place from there." "Wow, uh..." "I really didn't expect that from you." "Yeah, neither did I." "(CHUCKLING)" "Thank you, Samantha." "(SIGHS)" "(CHUCKLES)" "You know, when I was a guy, I used to do this for girls." "Oh, who am I kidding?" "I don't think I've ever done this for a woman. (CHUCKLES)" "You know..." "I think you've grown your own brand of chivalry." "Thanks, Doc." "What's wrong, Sam?" "You seem sad." "I noticed in the car on the way over." "Let's just talk about it later, okay?" "You know what?" "I think..." "I think they might be playing our song." "We have a song?" "We do now." "Come on." "♪" "May I have this dance?" "Eh, does a bear shit..." "Of course you may." "(CHUCKLING)" "So, what's it like?" "What's what like?" "Being a woman." "It's, um..." "Tsk." "It's, like, uh, someone added 27 frequencies to my radio dial." "Which means..." "Um..." "Which means..." "When I walk into a room," "I pretty much know what's going on with everybody, whether they're happy or horny or sad or..." "If they have a chance in hell of stealing you away from me." "Anybody in here, uh..." "Giving you any competition?" "See that blonde over there by the punch bowl?" "Yeah." "Well, she'd have a shot at you." "If she wasn't so busy checking out that guy's Rolex and if..." "Yeah?" "If you weren't totally smitten with me." "Oh." "I'm smitten, huh?" "Crazy in love." "Wow, you're good." "Feeling's mutual, by the way." "I know it's you..." "Sam." "But you're different." "Good different?" "No." "Not good." "Amazing." "GEORGETTE:" "When's the last time you kissed me like that?" "Tonight." "(CHUCKLES)" "Mmm-hmm." "(BOTH LAUGHING)" "Wow." "What?" "What, do you have a hot date or something?" "Come on, you're spoiling my afterglow." "I have to talk to you outside." "Right now." "I need a favor." "Anything." "Can you drive me down to the Village?" "Now?" "What for?" "Do you trust me?" "Of course, I trust you." "Well, then, just please don't ask any questions." "Okay." "If that's the way you want it." "Okay, but we have to leave right now." "I need to be there by midnight." "Doc..." "No." "Sam..." "No." "(INHALES DEEPLY)" "(DOOR CREAKING)" "♪" "MAN: ♪ The mademoiselle says, "Qui?"" "♪ I turn my head, it's me" "♪ Could it be true or a turn of the screw" "♪ Or just those birds and bees?" "(HUMMING)" "♪ The mademoiselle says, "Qui?"" "♪ Mmm" "♪ The mademoiselle says, "Qui?"" "♪ Ain't no room for three" "♪ From my ringside seat Need to beat a retreat" "♪ She has me down to a T" "♪ Ah" "♪ Hm... ♪ The mademoiselle says, "Qui?"" "♪ And my heart" "♪ Started to pound" "♪ Oh, my toes all gone to ground" "♪ All my feelings for you" "♪ So long overdue" "♪ The mademoiselle says, "Qui?"" "♪ I close my eyes, it's e" "♪ Could it be real?" "♪ All those bells start to peal" "♪ I hope that she'll agree" "♪ As those bells start to peal" "♪ I just can't conceal" "♪ The love I decree" "♪ Mademoiselle says, "Oui"" "♪" "♪ Ooh" "(HUMMING)" "♪ The mademoiselle says, "Qui?"" "♪ I close my eyes, it's e" "♪ Could it be real?" "♪ As those bells start to peal" "♪ I hope that she'll agree" "♪ As those bells start to peal" "♪ I just can't conceal" "♪ All the love I decree" "♪ The mademoiselle says" "♪ Oui" "♪"