"So, do you wanna see it or not?" "I don't know." "It'll be like, friday night crowd..." "Oh my god." "You're like agoraphobic." " Agoraphobic." " Yeah!" " Really?" " Yeah!" "You would rather sit on your couch and watch a Phillies game than go out to a movie with your awesome girlfriend." "Absolutely correct." "Later, Jim." "Kev, have a good weekend." "Bye" "Okay, So, It's what's gonna happen." "You'are gonna suck it up," "Here we go." " And we're gonna go to dinner," " Okay" " And then, we're gonna go to the movie." " Sounds good." "Hey, Halpert!" "Hey." "Roy!" "Pam." "Please call security!" "Every day, for eight years," "I have brought pepper spray into this office to protect myself and my fellow employees." "And every day, for eight years, people have laughed at me." "Well." "Who's laughing now?" "No need for consternation." "Everything is under control." "Michael, last Friday one of your employees attacked another employee in your office!" "It was a crime of passion, Jan." "Not a disgruntled employee." "Everyone here is extremely gruntled." "Is Toby there?" " No." " I'm here, Jan." "What" " What's the situation, Toby?" "We fired Roy, obviously." "And Jim won't press charge against Roy or the company." " Thank God!" " Yeah." "But, now apparently Darryl has some issues..." "No, he has been wanting a raise for couple of months," "And he's just using this Roy thing as leverage." "Are you going to take care of this?" "Yeppers." "What did I tell you about "Yeppers"?" "I don't remember." "I told you not to say it." "Do you remember that?" "Ye-sh." "I really don't want to talk about it." "I don't mean to be rude, but" "I just, I don't want to comment on what happened." "It sucked." "I guess, all things considered," "I was lucky Dwight was there." "And Roy was lucky that Dwight only used pepper spray." "And not the nunchucks or the throwing stars." "Hey man, I never got a chance to thank you." "For stopping Roy." "Thank you." ""Thank you" not necessary, and thus not accepted." "I saw someone breaking the law and I interceded." "Okay." "I've got you something." "Don't want it." "You don't wanna know what it is?" "Don't want it." "Won't open it." "Don't need it." "Won't take it." "Citizens do not accept prizes for being citizens." "It was a little glass display case for his bobblehead." "That would have made us even, I think." "He saves my life, I get him a box for his desk toy." "Even Steven." "No, don't call me a hero." "Do you know who the real heroes are?" "The guys who wake up every morning and go into their normal jobs, and get a distress call from the commissioner, and take off their glasses and change into capes, and fly around fighting crime." "Those are the real heroes." "Angela, Roy's check." "He's coming in later to pick it up." "Man, I cannot believe that I missed the fight." "It was crazy." "You saw it?" "Describe it please." "Well, I heard some shouting, and I looked over and Roy was by reception" "And you could tell he's gonna punch somebody." "Jim says something, Roy stops over there," "All of a sudden, "Bam!"" "And Roy goes down, and Dwight's standing there looking like an action hero." "Insane." "Well ... good for Dwight." "Okay, I want you to be Darryl, and ask me for a raise," "Because I need to try out somebody's negotiation tactics on you." "Where did you get that?" "Wikipedia" "Wikipedia is the best thing ever." "Anyone in the world can write anything they want about any subject." "So you know you are getting the best possible information." "Okay, Darryl." "Ask me for a raise." "Hey, Mike." "Since Roy left, I've been doing a lot of work and I need raise." "Hm, that's interesting Darryl." "I think..." "Can't hear you." "What I'm saying is that..." "Still nothing." " Okay, see what I did?" " No." "By leaning back, and by whispering," "I established a dominant physical position." " Nice." " Okay, let's try another one." "Walking out of the room unexpectedly." "And what happens in this one?" " That's surprise." " Okay." "Go ahead." "Ask for a raise." "Can I have a raise?" "Sex." "Steve Martin." "Teri Hatcher." " What?" " What?" "No, what did you say?" "I didn't say anything." "I was waiting to see what happened." "It's interesting." "It's all the perpetrators' advance toward the victim at high-rated speed" "His head was thrown back, his shoulders were on arm cocked," "Getting in attack position, perp grabbed the victim" "I removed my weapons from its secure hiding place." "Oh, which is where?" "Irrelevant." "Discharged at a distance of little over a meter" "And to the perpetrator's eyes, nose, and face area, rendering him utterly and completely disabled." "Then I contacted the authorities." "The end." "Thanks, Dwight." "That is the bravest thing I have ever heard." "I can't imagine what I would've done." "I can." "You would have left me to fend for myself." "Like the time we were on the ferris wheel and that kid dropped a milkshake on me and you just laughed." "Well that was funny, that's why." "Oh it was?" "Okay, well the next time that you get scared that you think a murderer is in your apartment in the middle of the night ..." "Okay" " and you call me to calm down." " You know what, I didn't..." " Can you stop?" " You can just call somebody else because I'm not doing it anymore, Ryan, I'm not." " Well don't talk to me about calling people..." " There's a bunch of people back here maybe ..." "I call you in the middle of the night" " to tell you tell that I love you." " Guys ..." "I don't think Michael intended to punish me by putting Ryan back here with Kelly." "But, if he did intend that ... wow." "Genius." " Yeah." " You ready for me?" "Yes, yeah." "Absolutely." "Have a sit." "You know what?" "Actually, let's go into the conference room." " Okay." " Nah!" "You know, let's stay here." "Let's go." "Yeah, let's go over." "Tactic number six." "Change the location of the meeting at the last second." "Totally throws 'em off." "Number 14." "Declining to speak first." "Makes them feel uncomfortable, puts you in control." "I am declining to speak first." "Okay, I'll start." "It's pretty simple, I- um think I deserve a raise" "I'm on schedule to get one of six months, but I like that to be moved up to now." "Darryl, you are good worker and good man." "I just- you know" "Times are tight" "I just don't think corporate are going for this right now." "Are you wearing lady clothes?" "What?" "Are you wearing lady clothes?" "Those look like lady pants." "No." "This is a power suit." "That there's a woman's suit." "I do not buy women's clothes." "Would not make that mistake again." "I'm gonna call Roy, man." " O-kay." " This's gonna make him feel better anyway." " This is stupid." " You know what?" "Pam, would you please tell Darryl that this is not a woman's suit." "Oh my God!" "That's a woman's suit!" "You're wearing a woman's suit?" "No, I do" " I wear man's suit, okay?" "I've got this out of bins" "There were these huge bins of clothes." "And everybody was rifling through them, like crazy." "And I grabbed one." "And it fit." "So I don't think that this is totally just a woman's suit." "At the very least, it's bisexual." "Who makes it?" "Um, MISSterious." "And it is mysterious, because the buttons are on the wrong side." "That's the mystery." "He's got shoulder pads," "And do you see that lines?" "Okay, would you stop it, please?" "Oh, know that tip you off" "It's European, ok." "It's European cut." "Michael, the pants don't have any pockets." "No, they don't, see?" "Italians don't wear pockets." "It's been a really rough couple of days." "This helps a little." "Hey, you maybe wanna come over and rave my closet." "No, I don't wanna do that, because I'm twice your size anyway." "Yeah, he looks like Hillary Clinton." "Let's just do this in 15 minutes, okay?" "Can you stand right there for one second?" "I gotta send some emails." "Negotiation is all about controlling things." "About being in a driver seat." "And, make one tiny mistake, you're dead." "I made one tiny mistake." "I wore women's clothes." "So Karen, how do you feel that Roy tried to kick your boyfriend's ass over another woman?" "I feel great, Kevin." "Thank you." "You must been scared out of your mind." "Well, you know, it happened so fast, I didn't really have time to be scared." "What happened?" "Exactly?" "I wasn't here." "So, I haven't really heard the whole story." "Um, well, Jim and I were talking." "And, Roy walked in, looking super angry." "And, he's big dude, you know?" "And, all of a sudden, Jim pushed me out of the way," "And, Roy cocked his fist," "And then, Bam!" "Dwight sprays and knocks them on his butt." "Goodness." "When I heard Jim and Pam had kissed, my reaction was to have lots of long talks with Jim about our feelings." "Roy just attacked him." "I'm not sure which one Jim hated more." "Let's get down to business." "Why don't you tell me why you think you deserve a raise?" "Well, it's simple, Mike." "I mean, we merged two branches, right?" "Now, we're shipping twice as many orders as we used to" "With Roy going, we got a smaller crew." "And I'm picking up all of his slack" "So I think I should be compensated fairly by getting a raise." "What?" "I can't hear you." "I can't Mike, are you..." "You make very compelling argument." "Sorry I almost got you killed." "Yeah." "That was nuts." "He could have broken your nose or something." "Crazy." "It's just so stupid." "I mean, getting back with Roy and everything." "I mean, what was I thinking, right?" "No, I mean you guys really seem to have a strong connection." "Not anymore." "It's um, it's completely over now." "We'll see." "I'm sure you guys'll find your way back to one another someday." "Jim ..." "I am really sorry." "Oh yeah, don't worry about it." "I'm going to give you a peace of paper." "I want you to write down how much you want," "And I want you to slide it back across the desk to me." "Why can't I just tell you?" "Because, that is the way these things are done." "In films" "Slide, slide" "Oh, God!" "Come on, be serious." "I'm serious, Michael." "It's a 10% raise." "That's what I want." "I can't give you that." "I don't make this much." "Come on." "Be for real, Mike." "I don't." "I'll prove it to you." "Here is- pay stub" "Are you serious you're earning this?" "Plus perks, yes." "Michael, this is barley more than I make." "You've been here 10 years, dawg!" "14 years." "No, please, please." "I'm sorry." "Some old folks got to hear about this." "Okay, let's take 15 again." "A boss' salary isn't just about money." "It is about perks." "It is- for example, every year, I get a $100 gas card." "Can't put a price tag on that!" "Okay, if you don't want a gift, at least let me buy you a beer." "Or lunch, at least." "When Han Solo returns to the Death Star in the Millennium Falcon, and shoots down the TIE fighters and saves the rebel cause, do you think he does so for a free beer?" " Boy, I" " No" "Why you're so interested in buying me something, Jim, what's your angle?" "It's like when he annoys me, and I want to screw with him to get him back." "He never sees it's coming." "But now, I want to be nice to him, and actually give him something, and he's like an eel." "I just can't grab onto him." "It's infuriating." "Maybe you just feel guilty about all the pranks." "Well ... yes, that's probably what it is." "So what do I do?" "I don't know." "Maybe you should go back out there and sell paper so we can go on a trip." "Michael, here is $15 I owe you." " Ah, thank you." " Yeah" "I heard you might need it, so..." "Here's the $40 you gave me." "I didn't give you $40." "In a way you did." "Yeah, I heard how much Michael makes." "I still think he's way overpaid." "14 years. 14" "I know." "Okay, alright." "I gotta go, later." "Okay, here's the straight dope." "No tricks, no Wikipedia." "I talked to corporate and they told me that I can only give you a 5% raise." "That's because of you, Mike?" "They're not gonna give the working man more than a boss?" "What am I supposed do?" "Get your own raise!" "You gotta get out there and earn, son." "I'm not gonna go out and ask for a raise right now." "That is ridiculous." "Well, when they merged two branches together, they put YOU in charge," "Okay?" "We're shipping more now We ever have." " That's true." " Yeah, that's true." "You gotta call your girl and get paid." "Show who wears the pants in the relationship." " You know what?" "I should." " Yeah, you should!" "I've been a loyal employee for a long time." "14 years long." "You know what?" "I deserve a bump." "Make it happen, Captain!" "I'm making it happen." "Sergeant." "I remember it was very late night, like 11 or 11:30." "Big fella comes in screaming about God-knows-what." "I think maybe Halpert had stolen his car" "Something like that." "So the big fella pulls out a sock filled with nickels." "Then Schrute grabs a can of hairspray and a lighter." "You're useless." "Why don't we talk next month?" "After the quarter in." "No, Jan." "I've never asked for a raise in 14 years." "This is long overdue." "I wanna do it today." "Today?" "Alright, well." "You wanna do it today, uh- we should do it in person." "And can you get here by 5?" "Yeah- um, yeah." "I'll leave right away." "Wait, and listen." "Because of our- you know- situation, we're gonna have a third party present." "Yes, I'm bringing Darryl." "Darr" " Darryl from the warehouse?" "No, Michael, we need an HR rep." "So, you should just bring Toby." "Hey, I rather kill myself." " Michael, he is your rep in HR" " No." " And, we need him in the room" " Toby is terrible." " because of our relationship. you know that." " Toby is the worst human being I've ever known." "Either Toby comes with you, or we don't do it." "Fine." "You are so mean." "I don't know what you're talking about." "Yes you do, Ryan Bailey Howard." "You called me stupid." " No, I said your idea was stupid." " Toby, come on, let's go." " Where?" " Where?" "I'm gonna smack you in the head with a hammer." "Come on, let's go." "What is so stupid about wanting to name a baby Usher?" "All right." "Usher Jennifer Hudson Kapoor." "Don't you see why that's insane?" "Oh, so I'm crazy now?" " Comfortable, Mike?" " Yeah." " How about you?" " No." "Don't ever touch a black man's radio!" "Chris Tucker." "Rush Hour" "I won't touch yours, by the way." "Thank you." "Haven't been in New York in a long time." "Big apple." "Maybe I'll stay over night." "I got cousins down there." "How do we get home?" "Ah, you could stay, too." "He's got a big place." "Maybe I'll stay." "It's not that big." "Buses are gonna get you come quick." "And then, all of a sudden, Dwight stood up, he was like" "Then what did he do?" "You should just read the report that Toby did." "He took off everyone's stories." "Dunder Mifflin Customer Service, this is Kelly." "Oh yeah, I can totally help you with that." "Okay, let me just get the folder out." "Okay, it seems here that you ordered 12,000 reams of paper." "Oh, twelve reams..." "Hey, guys." "Jan is ready for you." "Okay, bring it home now." "And don't forget the new black man phrase I taught you." "Pippity poppity, give me the zoppity." "Yes sir!" "Remember that!" " I'll be right outside if you need me." " Alright!" "Yeah, I taught Mike some new phrases." "I want him to get the raise." "I ... just can't help myself." "Hey, man." "I'm sorry." "Thanks." "Can I like- see you after work for coffee or something?" "I don't know." "Please." "I just got some stuff I gotta say to you." "Jim!" "Roy." "Look out!" "Thanks Kev!" "I'm good, though." "Thank you, Andrew." "Hello, come in." "Who's the boy toy?" "That's my new assistant." "Were you going to tell me that you hired James Van Der Beek?" "I have to call you at the second I got a new assistant, now?" "It'd be nice to get a memo." "We are lovers." "Hi, Jan." "Hi, Toby." "First..." "First off, Michael, this is salary negotiation." "All matters regarding our personal relationship have to be set aside." "Are we clear." "Pippity poppity" "Right now, we can offer you a 6% raise." "6%?" "After all we've been through?" " My God." " I've got" " You jade earrings." " Michael." "No!" "No!" "No!" "You're gonna play like this?" "You give me a good raise, or no more sex." "What are you writing, perv-ball?" "Just preparing for the deposition." "This may be the first time that a male subordinate has attempted to get a modest, scheduled raise by threatening to withhold sex from a female superior." "It will be a groundbreaking case, when it inevitably goes to trial." "I'm so sorry, Pammy." "I wasn't gonna do anything, but then..." "I've kept thinking about you two together..." "I just thought you guys were really good friends, or maybe he was gay or something." "Not that that's wrong." "I'm sorry, too." "I just" " I think that we both made some bad choices." "So, you gonna start dating Halpert, then?" "No." "No." "He has a girlfriend." "Oh, yeah." "Hey babe, you broke up our wedding for the guy." "No, there were a lot of reasons." "You mean you're not even gonna try to go out with him?" "I don't get you, Pam." "I know." "What's this?" " What's what?" " Certificate of bravery." "From the Scranton police department." "Recognizing outstanding citizenship from a very brave young man," "Dwight K. Schrute..." "Wow, nice words around." "that's how a nice honor." "Please, they hand it out to little kids." "Look, there's a teddy bear in a policeman's cap." "I didn't think you'd notice..." "Why don't you just take that pen and stab me in the heart?" "This is me, Jan. This is ME!" "Okay, Michael, please." "You know, why don't we just take a break?" "Okay, no, no, no, no." "You do not try tactic number 8 on me." "I invented the tactic number 8." "I'm not going anywhere." "Okay, Toby." "How about if you..." "Great." "What's wrong with you?" "It was a weird day." "I accidentally cross-dressed." "And then, Darryl made me feel bad for not making any money." "And then, I drive up here with stupid Toby." "And then, your assistant is all young and hot, and I" "Okay, Michael." "I can offer you a 12% raise, but" "You have got to ask for 15." "That's ridiculous." "I'm never ganna make that money..." "Nope." "Just..." "I just need you to ask for it." "So I can record that you asked for it, okay?" "Ah" " So..." "All right, Levinson." "Here's the rub." "I would like a 15% raise." "No!" "We can offer you 12%!" "But you just said 15" "Negotiation is an art." "Back and forth, give and take." "And today, both Darryl and I took something." "Higher salaries." "Win-win-win." "But, you know, life is about more than just salary." "It's about perks." "Like having sex with Jan." "Michael!" "So you wanna buy it for your new house, perhaps?" "Yeah, bedrooms." " How many bedrooms..." " Four" "Dwight!" "I've been doing some very interesting reading." "Really?" "Tales of bravery." "Good stuff." "You know, I was thinking, tonight we could read it together." "That sounds..." "Fun." "I will never say a word." "And now, we are even." "I graduated from anger management the same way I graduated from Cornell on time." "Now I'm back, got a second chance, and I'm not going to blow it." "So look out, Dunder Mifflin!" "I mean "look out" in a fun way." "You know, not like, "I'm going to hurt you."" "Hey guys!" "Guess who's back!" "No need to thank me." "I am not a hero." "I am a mere defender of the office." "You know who's a real hero?" "Hiro, from Heroes." "That's a hero." "Also, Bono."