"* this is the way we diaper our kid * * diaper our kid, diaper our kid * * this is the way we diaper our kid * * and * * this is how we drop it *" "What are you doing?" "Practicing for when the baby comes." "How well do earth children bounce?" "Not very." "Then what do people mean when they say" ""Bouncing baby boy"?" "It's an expression, not a suggestion." "Here, this is how you do it." "You put the diaper on like this" "And you fold it over like this" "And you fasten it..." "Here..." "And here." "Like this." "See?" "Here, now you try it." "It's used now." "Yuck." "[Theme music playing]" "Captioning made possible by lions gate home entertainment" "[Alarm ringing]" "Tv: it's time!" "Keep hat on shelf." "That is good." "Hi, alf, what you watching?" "I'm not watching." "I'm studying." "Studying what?" "The petrie method of childbirth." "But this is the dick van dyke show." "Exactly." "You see, rob petrie was the consummate tv father." "That's why ritchie turned out to be such a mensch." "Well, dad told me where babies come from" "And he never mentioned the dick van dyke show." "Your father's a good man," "But sometimes i think his hefty bag's not twist tied." "Tv: doctor says, "any day now, any day now."" "[Indistinct]" "Brian, i have told you a hundred times" "Not to leave your baseball glove on the floor." "Uh-Oh, here comes crabzilla." "Sorry, mom." "How was your nap?" "Obviously, not long enough." "Look, alf, a woman's body goes through a lot of changes" "When she's pregnant." "She can't always control her emotions." "Ohh." "I'm sorry if i've been hard on you guys." "That's all right, mom." "Dad says no matter how cranky you get," "We should just humor you." "You can tell your father to take his "humor" and sit on it." "Sure, mom, whatever you say." "Hey, hey, just because you're trucking a wide load," "Doesn't mean you shouldn't observe the social graces." "The worst laura petrie ever did" "Was an occasional, "oh, rob."" "Laura petrie?" "I'm studying up to help you have your baby." "And you're studying..." "The dick van dyke show." "Of course." "Alf, that's very sweet of you to want to help but," "In this particular case, i think willie is a little more qualified." "Yeah?" "Then where is he, huh?" "Answer me that, huh?" "Where, huh?" "Where, huh, huh, huh, where?" "I'm home." "I hate when he does that." "Something i should know about?" "Only if you write for the alan brady show." "Nothing i should know about." "I'm placing myself at the ready" "To assist mommy dearest over there" "With her blessed event." "Uh, traditionally, alf, that's the father's role." "Really?" "On melmac, the father's role was to stand back" "And yell, "pull!" "Pull!"" "Don't you mean, "push, push"?" "No." "On melmac, the mother gave birth" "While the father went skeet shooting." "Hey, kate," "Did you know that some doctors say" "That women should give birth standing up?" "It's time!" "It's time!" "Stand up!" "Willie, you're wearing pajamas." "Alf, i'm going to bed." "But when laura was expecting ritchie," "Rob slept in his suit every night." "Actually it wasn't a suit," "It was a sports coat and slacks and a nice tie," "And he kept his hat on the shelf above the bed," "And i'm not sure what he did about his shoes." "Am i babbling?" "Yes." "I know, i know." "Melmackians do that" "When they're nervous, also during white sales." "I'll stop now." "I'm gonna stop." "I'm stopping." "Here i go." "I'm still doing it." "I forgot how to stop!" "Alf, alf, alf, just--Ok, br-Breathe." "In...out." "Breathe like that." "Fine." "In...out." "You've got to calm down about this baby, alf." "That's easy for you to say." "You're phlegmatic." "I'm tremulant." "Besides, on the dick van dyke show" "Oh, alf, i have told you a hundred times" "The dick van dyke show was just television." "They exaggerated things to make 'em funny." "And laura petrie was a character." "The actress who played her wasn't even pregnant" "When she did the show." "I suspected that." "She never did get as big as mount st." "Katherine here." "Exactly." "I'm sorry, dear." "First i'm cranky, now i'm fat." "Honestly, willie, i don't know why you even married me." "Could we--Could" "Could we talk about this later?" "Alf, i have helped my wife." "The cranky, fat one?" "Alf." "Hey, roseanne barr built a career on it." "I have helped my delightful, slender wife safely" "Through 2 pregnancies," "And i will help her through this one" "Without extraterrestrial assistance." "Is that clear?" "Fine." "I'll make like imelda marcos and shoe." "[Laughter on television]" "Are you all finished with your own personal little doings?" "No." "I ain't had an answer on my turnovers yet." "[Telephone rings] i'll take one." "Now will you go?" "My pleasure." "No, mine!" "Yeah, he's here." "Hey, rob, it's your wife." "I think this is it!" "Oh, hand me the phone!" "Watch out!" "The danish with the health clause." "I'm sorry, i'll pay for it all." "You're gonna pay for it?" "I'll pay for it." "Walk on them." "Look" "Rob, here's the phone." "Oh!" "Whoo!" "Ha!" "This is my favorite part." "Pay for it?" "I'll pay" "You know, alf," "If you really wanted to help mom out," "You could pitch in with some of the housework." "No, can do, lynn-Cognito." "Since no one else is taking our baby boom seriously," "I must commit this video verisimilitude to memory." "Alf, having a baby is a perfectly natural thing." "Mom's going to get through it just fine." "That's what they said about the hindenberg." "You know, that other blimp." "Tv: how are you?" "Oh, my gosh." "Honey, keep calm, keep calm, honey," "Just don't panic, there's nothing to get excited about." "Honey, i'm coming home." "I'll be home--No, wait," "You'll wait for me?" "No." "You better no--Wait for me, if you can." "If you can't wait for me, don't wait for me." "I wanna be with you." "Ok." "I love you." "This is it, james." "Hey, rob!" "Did you forget something?" "[Telephone rings]" "Yeah, what?" "Oh, hi, alf." "It's kate." "Oh, my gosh." "Uh, honey, keep calm." "Keep calm, honey." "Uh, call willie." "No." "I'll call willie." "Where is he?" "Never mind." "Willie!" "Alf, alf, what's going on?" "Ok." "Ok." "Everything is under control." "Aah!" "There, i'm fine now." "What's going on?" "I'm seeing your mother" "Through the miracle of childbirth." "Oh, i hope i don't throw up." "Give me that." "Mom, is everything ok?" "Uh-Huh," "Uh-Huh," "I'll take care of it." "Bye." "It's time!" "Call an ambulance" "It's time to take the pot roast" "Out of the freezer for dinner." "I mean, really, alf." "I've had kate's pot roast," "We'll need an ambulance anyway." "[Click]" "Honey, it's time." "Honey," "It's time." "Honey, it's time!" "Wha--Whoops!" "What?" "19 seconds there, wilmington." "The baby will be able to drive kate to the hospital" "By the time you wake up." "Alf," "What are you doing here?" "Labor drill." "And it's a darn good thing." "No, it's not--It's not, it's a darn bad thing." "Alf, you've got to stop all this." "The baby will get here when he or she is good and ready." "If you really, really want to help me," "Just, please, relax." ""Relax," she says." "Anyone would think she was the one having this baby." "I am the one having this baby!" "Gee!" "Calm down, kate-A-Clysm." "All this animosity can't be good for the tannerlet." "Ohh!" "Willie," "I'm a tired," "Pregnant woman, willie." "I know." "I know, dear." "You left out fat and cranky." "Help me out of this bed, willie." "Well," "I know when i'm not wanted." "Ho, ho, you are wanted alright." "You just stay right, right there!" "Keep this up, kate," "And you'll get no baby gift from me." "Has anyone seen alf this morning?" "Oh, yes." "We saw him at 2:02, 5:16, and 6:28." "Night rounds again?" "Uh-Huh." "He wanted to make sure i wasn't having the baby in my sleep." "I think it's sweet that alf's so worried about you." "Fine." "I'll have him be sweet" "To you for a while." "[Yawning and burping]" "Oh, morning, tanners." "Ohh!" "Would someone mind pouring 4 or 5 gallons" "Of coffee on my head?" "You look awful, alf." "Yeah?" "Well, you're short." "Did you get any sleep at all last night?" "Who could sleep at a time like this?" "I can." "Same here." "Me, too." "So can i." "Why do i feel like i'm having this baby" "All by myself?" "Alf, as much as we dislike being wakened in the middle of the night," "We really do appreciate your concern." "Isn't that right, kate?" "No." "Well, anyway." "As i've told you on numerous occasions," "We're perfectly capable of handling this birth" "Without your turning the event" "Into one of your overreaction festivals." "I--I realize that was a very long sentence," "But i hope i've made myself clear." "[Snoring]" "Intercepts," "He turns," "He aims, he shoots," "Yes." "He scores." "A new record for-- Kareem alfdul jabbar." "And the crowd goes wild." "[Cheering sounds]" "What are you doing?" "Inventing didey ball." "Hey, want to play a little one on one and a half?" "Not at 3:00 in the morning." "What are you doing up at this hour?" "Ahh!" "This is it." "This is it!" "This is" "Not it." "Your color commentary woke me up." "Hey, i have to do something to keep myself awake." "Otherwise, i'd fall asleep." "Sleep." "Doesn't that sound good, alf?" "Huh, doesn't it sound good," "To put your head down, let your eyes get heavy?" "Yes, alf." "Just drift off to dreamland." "Oh, don't test me, kate." "I promised to help bring the newest tanner into the world," "And a melmackian almost never goes" "Back on his word sometimes." "I give up." "I give--But if you insist on staying up," "At least be quiet." "No problem." "I think i'll invent diaper tennis." "Where do we keep our big net?" "No big net." "Little net?" "Oh, who needs a net?" "I'm a hoop man, myself." "Yes!" "Oh, endorse your new line of athletic shoes?" "Ha, i'd be a heel not to." "Ha!" "Write that down," "We could use it in the tele-Blurb." "Ha, no autographs," "Positively." "[Yawns]" "Well, no autographs." "[Snoring]" "Willie: you all right?" "Kate: oh, i'm fine, honey." "Well, i'm going to bring the car out front." "Don't be too long." "I'm moving as fast as i can in this condition." "Alf, it's time, it's time." "Dad's taking mom to the hospital." "[Snoring]" "Alf." "Alf, wake up." "It's really time." "Poor little guy." "There you go." "Must've dozed off." "[Baby cooing]" "Holy stork invasion, batman." "How'd that get in here?" "Willie!" "Oh, you're awake," "You're finally awake." "Are you all right?" "I'm fine," "But that thing in the crib looks an awful lot like" "A b-A-B-Y." "I know." "Alf," "I'd like you to meet my son," "Eric william tanner." "[Coos]" "We just brought him home this morning." "Did i miss something here?" "You sure did." "Lynn tried and tried to wake you up" "When we left for the hospital," "But you were out like a light." "You know, you've been asleep for almost 2 days?" "You mean, i slept through the whole thing?" "I'm afraid so." "Well, kate couldn't have waited until i woke up?" "It seemed impractical." "I can't believe it." "Guess you guys really didn't need me, after all." "I'm such a mokes." "It's not that you weren't needed, alf," "It just that when a woman starts" "To actually have a baby," "You're not..." "Needed." "You understand?" "Yeah." "I guess so." "What are you thinking about, willie?" "Oh," "I was just remembering the first day" "We brought lynn home from the hospital," "And then brian," "And now this little guy." "I've never seen you this happy." "I've never seen anybody this happy." "Well, of course i'm happy, alf." "We've helped to create a brand new life here." "I think maybe that's the most important thing" "A person ever gets to do." "Guess i'll never know, will i?" "Oh, i'm sorry, alf." "In all the excitement," "I didn't think about that." "On melmac," "I never thought much about having kids." "You know how it is when you're in your 220s." "You think you have all the time in the world." "I can imagine." "But now," "When i realize that it's never going to possible" "For me to be a father..." "Don't say that." "L.A.'S a lonely town" "When you're the only orange boy around." "You can't give up hope, alf." "If it's that important to you, you can never give up hope." "In the meantime, we're going to need your help" "Bringing up eric." "You are?" "Well, sure, who else is going to teach him" "About boo-Yah baseball, and pasta polo," "And other sports involving the hurling" "Of inappropriate objects?" "Like gerbil hockey?" "No." "Hi, alf." "You finally woke up, huh?" "Yeah." "Hey, guess you got a brother now?" "Yeah." "Mom says it's time to feed him." "Ok." "Tell her we'll be in in a minute, b." "Looks like you." "Thanks." "On the other hand," "All white babies look like you." "Say hi to alf, eric." "Hey, eric." "How you doing, eric?" "[Coos]" "He smiled at me." "I'm sure he did." "So anyway, the tanners decided i could stay." "And here i am." "It's not a bad place to live, actually." "Kate takes a little getting used to," "But you probably already figured that part out." "Well, willie said he needed me" "To help teach you about stuff." "So i thought i'd start" "With the most important thing" "These are the channel control buttons." "Captioning made possible by lions gate home entertainment"