"Okay, this is a very big moment for you, Michelle." "It's your first message on the family answering machine." "Now, all you have to do is say, "Hello," "Leave a message" and "Wait for the beep." Are you ready?" "I'm ready." "Okay." "On your mark, get set, go." "Hi, people." "[SINGS "TWINKLE, TWINKLE, LITTLE STAR"]" "Please leave a message after the beep." "Hey, that was my job." "Okay, you can do the beep." "It's me again." "Beep." "[inaudible DIALOGUE]" "Stop the music." "Stop the music." " Uncle Jesse, you gotta help me." " Why?" "What's the matter?" "You have to help me practice for my class picture." " Steph, it's a week away." " I know but don't you remember last year?" "Right when the photographer said "cheese," I sneezed." "When the picture came out, I was like:" "Oh, yeah." "Everybody called you "sneezeburger."" " All year." " All right, well this year, you're gonna flash that picture-perfect smile." "Get over there." "Let's practice." "Are you having fun without me?" "Tell you what, you stay there and I'll get right to you, okay?" "All right, here we go." "Show me love." "Oh, yes." "Let the wind blow through your hair." "Very nice." "Be happy." "Be happier." "If I get any happier, my cheeks are gonna pop." "There we go." " My turn." " All right." "Show me love." "Let me see your teeth." "Let me see your teeth." "Let me see." "Put them together." "All right." "Let's see." "Here we go, Michelle." "Okay, here it comes." "Here you come." "Hey, there you are." "I got a big mouth." "Look at this." "I did not deserve this traffic ticket." "Now my perfect driving record's ruined." "Just put it on mine." "No one will notice." "Jesse, don't do that." "This is government paper." "Now I have to iron it." "That right-turn-only sign was hidden behind a big bush." "Dad's ticket is totally bogus." "And a humongous injustice." "I'll tell you what, I'm gonna fight this thing." "And D.J., you're gonna be my star witness in court." "Hey, can we do it on Wednesday?" "Because there's a Math test I'd really like to miss." " Hi, everybody." "JESSE:" "Hey." "Oh, I love you, stretch." "Thanks to Danny, I have an on-the-air tryout to be the new Mr. Egghead." " That's fantastic." " All right, great." "You're gonna be Mr. Egghead?" "He's the smartest person on television, next to Connie Chung." "Uh, Joey, Mr. Egghead has to know everything about science." "Well, not that you don't know everything about science." "Do you know anything about science?" "What's the difference?" "Is Captain Kangaroo a real captain?" "Hey, he's not even a real kangaroo." "Besides, all I have to do is be hip and funny and follow the script." "And with Jesse as my sidekick, how can I miss?" "That's right, with Jesse as his side" "Sidekick?" " Two, one...." " Sidekick?" "Right on time." "Jess, I just wanna have a hip, musical sidekick." "You know, like David Letterman has Paul Shaffer Mr. Egghead has the Professor." "I don't do kiddie shows." "Ah, Jess, come on." "It's just for the tryout." "Okay, fine, you don't wanna be the Professor." "Just think of all those little kids who will have to learn science without any music." "They'll be too sad to play with their pets and all their dogs and cats will run away from home." "[SOBBING]" "That is the stupidest story I've ever heard in my whole life." "And besides, guilt doesn't work on me." "Okay, then I'm just gonna badger you and pester you until you say you'll do it." " Will you do it?" "Will you do it?" " Now, come on." "Will you do it?" "Will you do it?" "All right, I'll do it." "All right, if it'll make you happy." "Dad, don't you think that maybe we're overdoing this blue thing?" "D.J., it's been psychologically proven that judges are more sympathetic to people wearing blue." "That's why you never see a Smurf on death row." "What a week." "Tomorrow is class picture day Friday is pizza day in the cafeteria and today, my whole class gets to see Joey on the Mr. Egghead show." "I love my life." "This is so cool." "Someone I actually know is going to have their very own TV show." "Uh, Steph, honey, I have my own TV show, Wake Up, San Francisco." "I know, but this is a show that people I know watch." "See you." "Come on, Dad." "Let's practice for court." "Okay, now, the first thing they're gonna do is swear you in." "Now, please place your right hand on Fred Savage." "Anytime." " What was that?" " Oh, nothing." "Do you swear to tell the truth, and nothing but the truth?" "I Fred" " I mean, I do." "Okay, Ms. Tanner." "Now, please step into the witness stand and explain to Judge Bear here everything that happened in every detail." "I will demonstrate with these extremely easy-to-follow visual aids." "Okay, Ms. Tanner." "My dad and I were driving north on Fremont and my dad was cleaning between the buttons on the car radio." "D.J., there's no need to bring up that minor detail." "Dad, I can't lie to the judge." "I'm not asking you to lie." "If the judge asks you:" ""D.J., was your father dusting between the buttons on the radio?"" "Then you can say yes." "Well, we came to a corner, and there was a right-turn-only sign." "Except we couldn't see it, because of a bush." "And now our big finish." "The face of truth and innocence." "MAN:" "We're on the air in three, two, one...." "[SINGING] Oh, hey there, Mr. Egghead" "You scientific dude" "Whenever you're around I'm in a scientific mood" "You tell us how the bird flies Or how the fungus grows" "The creation of the universe Or how we blow our nose" "Yes, you know everything Under the sun" "Thank you, Mr. Egghead For making learning fun" "And now, here he is, the man who knows everything..." " ..." "Mr. Egghead." "KIDS:" "Yay!" "Eggs-tremely kind of you." "Thank you, Professor." "Ain't no thing, Mr. Egghead." " Greetings, Junior Eggheads." "KIDS:" "Greetings, Mr. Egghead." "Welcome to the new, improved Mr. Egghead Show." "My guests in the egg carton today are from Mrs. Hardesty's second-grade class at Fraser Street Elementary School." "KIDS:" "Hi!" "Don't eggs-haust yourself, because now it's time for Ask Mr. Egghead." "Professor, let's find out who has our first scientific question." "JESSE:" "Right." "KIDS:" "Me." "Me." "Me." "Yes, the scholarly-looking gentleman, three eggs in." "What happened to the old Mr. Egghead?" "Well, he's on vacation." "I read in the newspaper that he didn't pay his taxes." "Well, he's on vacation for three to five years." "And so ends another fascinating segment of Ask Mr. Egghead." "And now it's time to discuss our topic of the day:" " Energy." " All right." " How about a little energy music." " Okay, Mr. Eggroll" " Egghead." "Sorry." "Okay, you know what?" "We're all wondering what eggs-actly is energy?" "Egg-cellent question, Professor." "Well, to put it in its simplest terms, energy is the ability to do work." "Energy is all around us." "Why, energy is in the sun." "[KEYBOARD PLAYS HIGH-PITCHED NOTE]" "Energy is in our muscles." "[KEYBOARD PLAYS LOW NOTES]" "Hey, Mr. Egghead." "Why, energy is even in Walter." "Sorry to interrupt, but I've been wondering if the speed of light is based on the theory that light has a finite velocity how would that calculate in a black hole?" "Let's let the Professor field this one." "Well, son." "I'm gonna tell you the same thing my father told me when I was young." "Look it up." "Well put, Professor." "And now, it's time to pick one special Junior Egghead to help me with an eggs-periment about energy." "KIDS:" "Me." "Me." "Me." "Oh, here's a pretty, young Egghead." " Thanks, Joey." " It's Mr. Egghead." "Hey, they live in the same house." "This is a fix." "Fix." "Fix." "Fix." "[SINGING] Fix, fix, fix, fix" "Fix, fix, fix, fix" "Fix, fix, fix, fix Fix, fix, fix, fix" "Fix!" "Don't egg them on, Professor." "Young lady, tell everyone your name." "Stephanie Judith Tanner, and I'm very egg-cited to be here." "Egg-cellent." "Let's take a look at how energy works, shall we?" "Now, over here we have your ordinary, run-of-the-mill boxing glove on a spring." "Now, when I pull the lever and release the spring its stored energy becomes kinetic energy propelling the boxing glove into Proton the Clown's face." "Now, lovely assistant, pull the lever, release the energy and learn." "[KEYBOARD PLAYS "CHARGE THEME"]" "It's stuck." "It is." "Because, as we say in the laboratory..." "["CHARGE THEME" PLAYS] ...something's wrong." "[GROANING]" "This never happened to the real Mr. Egghead." "Walter, why don't you take a journey through the eggs-it." "I'll cover for you, Mr. Egghead." "Professor, "Tomorrow."" "[SINGS "TOMORROW"]" "[KIDS GASPING]" "Steph, I'm sorry." "I didn't see you there." "Steph, are you okay?" "Steph, say something." "How rude." "I sure wish Stephanie would get home from the doctor." "Is she getting a lollipop?" "Stephanie's gonna get anything she wants." "Hey." "How is she?" "Where is she?" "Is she okay?" "Calm down, Joey." "She's gonna be all right." "Don't worry, Joey." "It's just a little broken nose." "The doctor said the splint will be off in a week and she'll be fine." "Steph, I am so sorry." "Here, I bought you a little something." "Thanks, Joey." "I know you didn't mean to break my nose." "You broke Stephanie's nose?" "Go to your room." "Oh, you're right." "I've been bad." "Joey, she's 3 years old." "She has no authority to punish you." "I'll take a picture." "Say cheese." "Oh, no." "I forgot." "Tomorrow's class picture day." "Why me?" " You forgot your presents." " I don't want my presents." "Ooh, happy birthday to me." "Jess, this is terrible." "It's bad enough I broke her nose." "How do I tell Danny?" "Come on, Joey, it was an accident." "Besides, he's your best friend." "He'll understand." "If your best friend broke your daughter's nose, what would you do?" "I'd kill him." "I'm home." " Hi." " Bye." "Joseph." "Well, there he is." "The man who knows everything." " How'd the show go?" " Oh I'd rather hear about your day in court." "While I was pleading my case, my meter ran out and they towed my car." "It cost me 100 bucks to beat a $30 ticket." "Dad, we can fight this." "Set it up for a week from Thursday." "I have a killer Biology test." "So, Joey, how'd you do on the show?" "Well, for starters, I was booed off the stage and fired." "See you." "Fired?" "Joey, I was positive you'd be a hit." "Well, there was a hit involved." "Well, how can I say this?" "Joey broke Stephanie's nose." "You broke Stephanie's nose?" "You better go to your room." "There is no way I'm going to school tomorrow for picture day." "Last year I was sneezeburger." "This year I'll be robo-nose." "Steph, you know Dad's not gonna let you miss school." "True." "Ah, but what if I don't ask him?" "Steph." "Oh, honey." "Are you okay?" "Yep, I'm fine." "The doctor says I'll be as good as new in a week." "Is there anything at all you need?" "Well, I've always wanted a big-screen TV." "Go for it, Steph." "Pshew...." "Michelle, what are you doing in here?" "What are you doing in here?" "Is this what you do every day when I leave for school?" " Sneak in here and play with my toys?" " Every day." "Michelle, listen to me." "I'm ditching school because I'm not taking my class picture with this thing on my nose." "But you can't tell anyone I'm home." " Pinkie swear?" " Pinkie swear." "Okay, now, you have to do me a favor." "Go downstairs to the kitchen and get me something to eat." "And if anyone asks who the food is for, you say, nobody." "Got it?" "Got it, dude." "Mm, I'm a good cook." "Michelle, you just ate breakfast." "This is not for me." " Well, then who is it for?" " Nobody." "Michelle, this sandwich is inside out." "You're supposed to say, "thank you."" "JOEY:" "Michelle." " Oh, no." "It's Joey." "Remember, I'm not here." "Oh, Michelle." "You are gonna make such a mess up here." "Too late." " Hey." " Uh-oh." "Hey, you, doggy." "That's for nobody." "Oh, hi, Joey." "I was just testing my new glow-in-the-dark shoelaces." "Out." "Steph, why aren't you in school?" "Joey, please don't make me go to school like this." "You already broke my nose on TV." "Now you're gonna make me be teased for a whole year?" "What did I ever do to you?" "All I did was love you." "Oh, you never have to go to school again." "Stephanie, what are you doing here?" "Joey says I never have to go to school again." "She's too embarrassed to get her picture taken like this." "We'll write her a little note, Danny will never know." "Works for me." "Now, Stephanie." "Pal, you're only in the second grade once hopefully." "Now, a class picture is something you treasure forever." "If you miss that picture, you may regret it for the rest of your life." "I'm willing to take that chance." "Let me put it another way." "You're going to school." " But, Uncle" " I don't want any "buts."" " Now, go downstairs and wait for me." " Okay, I'll go." "All right." "But I'm not gonna smile." " This is all my fault." " Yes, it is." " Thanks for the pep talk." " Come on, Joey, grow up." "Feeling guilty's not gonna help anyone." "Oh, great, now I'm feeling guilty about feeling guilty." "Joseph, snap out of it." "You're a comedian." "You're supposed to make people laugh at their troubles." "Now, there's a little girl downstairs who I know could use a laugh." "Are you gonna go take care of business or are you gonna wallow in your self-pity?" "Just give me one more wallow." " Joey, what are you doing here?" " Waiting for Steph." "Come on, everybody's ready for the picture." "Do I have to?" "I'm gonna look so silly." "You're not gonna look any sillier than the rest of the class." "KIDS:" "Hi, Stephanie." "All right." "This is great." "And I got you a pair too." "Now, go take that picture." "Thanks, Mr. Egghead." "Thanks, Professor." "Joseph, this is one of the stupidest ideas you've ever had and one of the best." "Good job." "Okay, everybody." "One, two, three, smile." "And now one without the glasses." "What the heck." "All right, everyone say the secret word." "And of course, that word would be well, cheese." "ALL:" "Cheese." "Subtitles by SDI Media Group" "[ENGLISH SDH]"