"(male voice on radio) The I-10 Santa Monica Freeway westbound... is jammed due to a three-car accident... blocking lanes one and two just past Hoover Street." "In Van Nuys there's stop and go traffic on the 405 southbound... (Emma) Hey, loser." "Get up." "you're late." "We need money." "For what?" "Food." "[Sighs]" "I've only got two dollars." "How much a Happy Meal?" "Oopf." "[Light cheerful music]" "(Manager) Good morning, Thea." "Oh, hi." "There's this thing called rent." "Monday." "you have my word." "Could you put your word on an actual check, sometime?" "[Cheerful music]" "(Miles) Whoo." "Look at that foxy momma." "Hey." "Hey, look." "I... uh, I saved you one of these." "It wasn't easy." "These people are animals." "Thanks." "It's all downhill after the donut." "Hey." "Let's go camping right now." "Oh, don't tempt me." "you know I can't." "Come on." "Don't be such a buzz kill." "Just call in sick from work." "Oh, Miles." "It was hard enough getting Monday off." "Hey. you really need to bail on this lame job, babe." "Bailing isn't exactly in my vocabulary right now." "I'm late." "I'm late." "[Depressing music]" "Alarm clock on the fritz again?" "(Jerry) Thea." "Thea" "Four minutes after nine, Thea." "We agreed to 8:59." "I know." "I'm sorry." "I've got your coffee piping hot." "Greg already got it for me." "All right." "Let's get started." "I found two errors in your transcription." "Ur-Nammu, the Mesopotamian ruler, has a hyphen in his name." "Are you sure?" "I checked it in Oxford English Dictionary." "you should always cross reference with the Military Encyclopedia." "It is the definitive source." "Absolutely right, Greg." "The intern shouldn't be more thorough than you." "you have to remember that every mistake you make, impacts history." "I'm sorry I didn't give enough thought... to the long reaching impact of a missing hyphen." "Think of it next time, or someone else will." "There are a million people out there who'd kill for your job." "The secretary to the publisher, It's a dream for so many of us." "I have a big project for you." "Now, you can make up for this morning's mistakes by acing this one." "Okay." "What can I do for you?" "MacArthur rolled in some poop." "Again?" "She's got one good eye, Thea." "I don't appreciate you taking that tone." "Now." "Hi, there." "[Dog whines]" "Let's really try and nail it this time, shall we?" "[Sighs]" "[Whines]" "No way." "She rolled in poop again?" "Uh-hm." "How come Greg never washes her?" "I'm glad that I don't have to wash the poop off Greg... since he spends most of his time with his head up Jerry's ass." "Tell me about It." "Last week he C~C'd me on an email to Jerry... complaining that I ordered too many rainbow Post-its." "Said it creates a party atmosphere." "Come here, MacArthur." "MacArthur." "[Dog whines]" "Do you think we'll ever get out of here?" "How long 'till your little sister graduates college?" "Five years." "Five long years." "[Sighs] Wow." "When you finally ditch this place I'm gonna leave, too." "I can't survive this hellhole without you." "I don't even know if I'm gonna survive Monday without you." "Oh, well, your rainbow Post-its should help." "[Fake laugh] Ha, ha, ha." "Okay, just promise me... that when you're celebrating with Miles the big 2~5, you'll have two extra shots for me." "Done." "Two for you, two for me... and two for MacArthur." "And cold beer chasers and a sliced lime." "[Sigh] Gets me right here." "[Rhythmic music]" "What is MacArthur eating?" "Oh, that's not good." "Hold on." "No, no, that's soap" "(Garth) Well, Thea, you are a sopping mess." "I know, I'm sorry." "Well, don't apologize." "(Carl) This one has two staples." "Yeah." "And?" "It's bad feng shui." "It'd be nice to give the agenda to the guy the disability first." "When I gave you yours first last month, you reprimanded me for giving you special treatment." "I don't like your giving me special back talk." "(Jerry) Good morning, everyone." "Ready for Abbott?" "[Ringing]" "Sorry." "(Abbot) Let's have another round." "Hey, Johnny, my good man." "How's the book coming?" "(Abbot) Jerry I" "War." "What is it good for?" "Apparently lots of things, Jerry. [Laughs viciously]" "[Whines]" "If you could just tell us what chapter you're up to." "Sweet." "(Abbot) Pigs In the blanket for everybody on me." "[Laughs and hangs up]" "[Chuckles] Alright, bye-bye." "[Clears throat]" "(Jerry) Hemingway used to write In bars." "Ah." "We're so pleased you decided to bless us with your presence, Nicky" "Sorry, uh, bad, bad traffic." "Hm." "Got hung up at the divorce lawyer's office?" "I kind of wanted that to be private, Jerry." "Well, well, privacy is for people who are on time." "(Nick) So how's Abbott's book coming?" "Extremely well." "There's a method to his mad genius." "And now we're ready to go over the cost report." "Whenever you feel like presenting it." "(Nick) Oh, okay." "Sales for The Complete History of Bullets are below projections." "Uh, marketing says people have been intimidated by the 1400 page length." "(Garth) There are a lot of bullets in the world." "We're not making it up." "Let's talk about the next order of order of business." "I've given this a lotta thought." "[Dog whines]" "[Sighs] Next week's softball game." "Now, we're all tired of losing to Presidio." "So I'm moving Garth to short stop." "I'm not quite finished." "I've told you. you're staying in left field." "We need you there." "This isn't softball related." "you know our textbook writer, Suzie Cavendish?" "Of course I know her." "I read her new manuscript and I thought it was really good." "How did you get a manuscript?" "I ran into her at lunch." "She told me about her book." "you don't send the accountant your manuscript." "[Dog whines]" "Thanks, but I've already told Susie it's not for us." "It's not our subject matter." "[Dog whines and groans] Baby, what's wrong?" "(Jerry) MacArthur?" "[Dog groans]" "What's wrong with you?" "Come here, baby." "What is wrong?" "Talk to daddy." "[Whines and retches]" "(Thea) Ew" "(Jerry) What did you feed her?" "I'm so so sorry about your dog." "I just scheduled a full body scan for MacArthur on Monday." "I have the day off Monday but I'll take her Tuesday." "you'll take her Monday." "I asked for this time off two months ago." "It's just one day." "I promised my boyfriend we'd go camping for his 25th birthday." "It's his 25th birthday?" "Yeah, it is." "God, I had no Idea." "I'm sorry." "Why don't you take the whole week off?" "Really?" "No!" "[Dog whines]" "Okay, no problem." "(Lisa) Come on, things can't be that bad." "Okay." "Let's see what I have to look forward to in life." "Washing my boss's dog." "Blow-drying my boss's job." "Uh-mm." "Taking my boss's dog for a OAT scan." "I'm officially a pathetic loser." "Well, at least we still have Skittles and cigarettes." "(Lisa) Maybe you and Miles can reschedule the weekend." "(Thea) Oh, yeah." "I'll see If Miles can reschedule his birthday." "No, maybe Jerry's onto something." "Who needs a significant other when you're dating your own dog?" "(Thea) Jerry's repulsive." "Have you smelled breath lately?" "He's lucky he can get a dog to date him." "you know, it's one thing if Jerry is an undersexed jerk who takes no joy in life" "But why does he have to make the rest of us that way?" "I hate him I [door bangs open]" "[Both gasp]" "In my office." "Now!" "you've got some pretty strong opinions about my personal choices." "you find my relationship with MacArthur something to deride?" "Not at all." "I respect your devotion to animals." "You're Involvement with PETA is inspiring." "Don't bullshit me." "I'm sorry." "I didn't mean it." "It was childish and it won't happen again." "If you hate me so much," "I don't really think it's healthy for you to continue working with me." "[Gasps] But, please. you can't do this." "Watch me." "But I need this job." "Here I go." "I support my sister." "You're fired." "But I'm..." "You're what?" "You're?" "I'm pregnant." "Pregnant?" "Yes, pregnant." "Totally pregnant." "The doctor says the chemicals or hormones or whatever... are messing up my system and you can't take anything I say too seriously." "Except for when I say I'm pregnant because, I am." "(Thea) Oh, God." "When are you due?" "October." "I mean, October." "October what?" "Uh, probably the 6th." "Could be the 7th, could be the 8th." "But fingers are crossed for the 6th by then I'll just want this thing out of me." "You're almost four months pregnant?" "Yeah. [chuckles] Isn't that crazy?" "Feels like yesterday I wasn't." "But I was because I'm four months" "The legal department is backing your story about not being able to fire a pregnant woman no matter how much she might deserve it." "So get back to work." "Thank you so much, Jerry." "I really appreciate it." "Thank you." "From both of us." "Congratulations on the baby." "The entire legal department is thrilled." "Hey, why didn't you tell me earlier?" "Oh, I know." "Probably because there's so much that can go horribly wrong." "I mean, I'm out of the woods." "But I do everything right. [Laughs]" "Anyway, so I'm having my baby first, not that it's a competition." "But I win!" "[laughs]" "Anyway, no, really, congratulations." "Oh, Theal Oh, I'm so excited for you." "No wonder you've been spacey lately. [Chuckles]" "(Garth) What's going on?" "(Ann) Everybody, Thea's pregnant I" "Don't look at me." "I never touched her." "(Garth) Never would have guessed. you still look sexy." "I had to tell everyone." "Couldn't keep it a secret." "Of course." "How can you hide that kind of thing?" "(Carl) I should've known." "My left knee's been hurtling." "When my knee hurts, it usually means someone's pregnant." "Yeah, or they're stuck underwater in a car." "Anyway, I'm glad it's this." "(Garth) So who's the very lucky fella?" "(Lisa) you didn't tell 'em the rest of the news?" "Thea and Miles are engaged I [all] O" "(Kristen) That's so great!" "I mean, I got married before I got pregnant, but better late than never." "Whoo-hoo!" "Yay for you!" "Yeah, I'm, I'm really excited, everyone." "Yeah, thrilled." "Over the moon." "Way over it!" "[All chuckle]" "[Silence]" "Psst." "[Chuckles]" "(Lisa) Pregnant?" "It's brilliant." "Where did you come up with that?" "I saw it on an episode of Law and Order." "Yeah. you can't fire a pregnant woman." "Discrimination, lawsuits, bad mojo, whatever." "Smart." "By the way, thanks for your help." "Pregnant wasn't bad enough." "I had to get engaged." "Well, I didn't want people to think you were some kind of wayward skank." "Is that what you think of single mothers?" "No, of course not." "I just happen to know that a lot of people in the office think you're a wayward skank and I thought this could turn it around." "[Sigh] Thanks." "Crap, Lisa." "What am I gonna do?" "How will I get out of this?" "Can't we just say that you know, something happened to," "I don't know, one of your tubes." "Sprung a leak." "Do you know what you're talking about?" "Let's just go along with it for a little while and then we'll say it was a false alarm." "you thought you were pregnant, but it turns out you just had crabs." "Ew." "(Thea) I'm so sorry, Em." "I had a crazy day at work and I lost track of time." "Am I too late?" "The meeting was at four and it's five o'clock now. you do the math." "I'm really sorry." "Have you been drinking?" "I had a cocktail." "Come on. you're 17. you should be out drinking and smoking" "(Thea) I'll reschedule with your guidance counselor next week." "Don't bother." "I already met with M is Talbot and we discussed my options" "What options?" "She suggested I start taking some cooking classes after school." "you have tennis after school." "Yeah, but I'm sick of tennis." "I was thinking maybe I could go to the Culinary I institute in San Francisco." "No way. you're staying right here and going to U O LA." "Tennis will cover the tuition and I'm busting my ass off to cover the rest." "I know. you keep telling me when Mom and Dad died, we lost out on options." "(Thea) Just do me a favor, be a grown-up... and accept the hand that you've been dealt." "So that's what you do?" "Yeah, that's what I do." "Really?" "'Cause you were at a bar instead of my parent teacher conference." "Oh, hello, M r." "Abbott." "Jerry?" "Jerry, where are you?" "M r." "Abbott, can I help you?" "Is there anything to drink in this place or do I have to go to my car and get my divining rod?" "I could get you some water." "Go ahead, soldier." "Three parts scotch, one part water." "Okay." "Move, move, move." "Hey, soldier." "What brings you to the office?" "How are you?" "[chuckles] Well, your brother wants my book." "Jerry's at lunch." "But Thea can take your manuscript for you" "Who's Thea?" "Jerry's secretary. you talk to her every day." "Congratulations are probably in order." "Thea has good news." "She's having a baby" "H m." "She looks like she's strong stock." "Maybe she can give us a strong future Marine." "(Greg) Thea, do you have a minute?" "So, uh, how are you?" "Fine, thanks. you?" "Oh, I'm fine." "But I'm not the one... with a magical bundle of joy growing inside of me." "So, no morning sickness?" "No bloating?" "No." "N... uh... unh." "Guess I'm just really lucky." "A little too lucky, if you ask me." "Yeah." "And uh, where is your ring?" "Well, we..." "Her fiancée is saving up for her ring." "It's not very nice to try to embarrass people." "So why don't you get back to lying about your self on your dating websites?" "Don't worry about him." "He doesn't know anything." "He's an idiot." "And I'm sure Greg is still a virgin." "(woman) Come on, Jerry." "O Alright, Jerry." "(Umpire) Oh!" "Watch!" "Dumbass." "(woman) Come on, Nick." "(woman) Come on Nick, you can do it." "[MacArthur whines]" "[All cheer Nick]" "(Umpire) Hit it!" "Ow!" "(Umpire) Ball." "Take your base." "(woman) Take your base" "(woman) Come on, Thea." "(man) Come on, Theal" "(man) Let's go, Theal [hit]" "(man) Go, go." "Home run." "Come on, come on." "Go, go." "Get home, get home." "(man) Come on, come on." "[All continue cheering]" "Safe!" "[All cheer]" "Are you okay?" "Yeah." "I'm great." "(man) Come on, Colonel." "you can do it." "(woman) you got it I" "Great." "(Jerry) Thea." "Kristen." "Come here, please now." "(Jerry) you shouldn't be playing in your condition." "What condition?" "your baby." "(Garth) Lisa, get your ass out on base?" "Of course." "We're taking you out." "For the season." "[Sighs]" "All season." "(woman) Come on I" "Hey, thanks for the RBI." "Yeah, well, no more RBIs." "Jerry says I'm a liability, so I can't play 'cause I'm pregnant." "Sounds like the most reasonable opinion he's had in years." "[All] Oh!" "[All cheer]" "Yes!" "[Dog barks]" "[Dog whines]" "[All gasp]" "MacArthur?" "(Ann) Good heavens." "Oh, it's okay." "I'm coming for you, baby." "[Dog barks and whines]" "I need a copy of Abbott's manuscript." "I'm gonna read it in the car on the way to his funeral." "What?" "you've never seen a manuscript on napkins before?" "When genius strikes, you write it down." "Do it now." "Okay." "Oh." "Thea, um, should you still be using the copier?" "Copy machines emit electro magnetic waves." "And what does that do?" "Well, no one knows yet." "But I've been reading on the message boards and it seems like something you should avoid... if you're trying to have a well pregnancy." "I think I should be okay." "Oh, good." "Well, if it doesn't bother you, then can you make 50 copies of that for me?" "(Kristen) Thank you." "you know, I, I find it fascinating that Kristen is only a month further along than you and yet she's the size of a school bus and you're still the size of Kate Moss." "Different strokes, I guess." "Perhaps it's easier to feel the bump than to see it." "What's the big deal?" "Everyone likes to touch a pregnant stomach." "Because you're a gross weirdo, Greg." "And the baby doesn't like gross weirdoes, Greg." "mpf." "you and me are going shopping after work." "What on earth are you doing?" "I'm stealing you a belly." "What?" "You're four months pregnant and you've got the abs of a Jenku swimsuit model." "Sh." "Cover me." "Okay?" "Look." "If you want people to think you're pregnant, you've gotta start talking the talk and walking the... waddle" "I don't know if I can do this." "you can do this." "Just do it for a week." "But you've gotta look the part or people are gonna get suspicious." "I look ridiculous." "These jeans are elastic on the top." "I feel like I'm wearing a condom on my stomach." "[Chuckles] you don't look like you've been anywhere near a condom." "(Lisa) Gross." "Did you know that when women are in labor they sometimes poop?" "Ew." "Have you ever heard of an episiotomy?" "Or cackles?" "Hmm?" "Agh." "Well, we should get this as a reference." "I thought this whole thing was gonna blow over in a few days." "Yeah, but until then you should know the ins and outs of being preggers." "There's a whole world of stuff here you know nothing about." "Yeah." "And I'd kind of like to keep it that way." "Ew." "Look at those nipples." "Wait a second, wait a second." "What?" "Here." "Here." "No." "Can I keep the stomach at your house?" "No." "That's like keeping your arm at my house." "No, no." "I don't want Emma to find out and she hates when I lie." "you lie all the time." "No, really." "It stays with you." "It's your stomach." "[Knocking]" "Hey!" "Can I get a little privacy?" "Whoa, what are you doing in there?" "Can I just come in?" "I'm trying to talk to you." "It doesn't matter what I'm doing right now, I am busy." "Shoo." "Morning, Thea, you got my check?" "Wow." "Look at you." "Yeah, look at me." "Oh, it's not what, um..." "Oh, gee, I mean. you've obviously got a lot on your plate." "I'm sorry about the other day." "Don't worry about the rent check." "Take another week or two." "you just take care of your self." "[Donna] Oh, my God." "Oh, how exciting. [gasps]" "I have so much baby stuff I can lend you." "Let me know if you need to borrow my old breast pump." "I just have to rinse it." "[Cheerful music]" "(Garth) My favorite lubricant, Ann?" "WD-40." "(Ann) Thea." "I've made some brownies for you to fatten you up." "Oh, thank you." "It popped." "Yeah, once you pop, you can't stop." "[Chuckles] You're carrying low." "It's definitely a boy." "Whatever it is, you've obviously begun that slippery slide into obesity." "Well, you had a nice run there, didn't you, champ?" "Oh, good morning." "Look at you." "Oh, my God." "I think I just felt it kick." "Oh." "Yeah, mark it in the baby journal for me, will you?" "I will." "Are people buying it?" "Totally." "Totally." "Ann made me brownies." "I got a seat on the bus today." "And Garts not attracted to me anymore." "It's the best morning I've had in years." "Okay, you want to hear something even more amazing?" "Have you read Abbott's new manuscript?" "I get asked to Xerox, not to read." "Okay." "Get ready to have your mind blown." "Ah, " Philip of Macedon had a hard-on. "" ""Scaled great peaks to conquer the Greeks. "" "It's all rhyming couplets and dirty limericks." "And this is what Jerry's betting the bank on." "It's insane." "Oh, you're welcome." "Well, you look different." "Sorry." "I'll move you to the shitty corner in a second." "It's all right, dear." "you've got your hands full." "you've exploded." "Well, yes, she has." "[Clears throat]" "Well, people." "I'm sure you'll be relieved to hear that MacArthur is expected to make a full recovery." "I've gotten her a spot at the McElroy Center for Veterinary Rehabilitation in Bethesda." "It's the best in the country." "They tell me she should be at 90 percent tail-wagging capability after just six weeks." "I'll be out of the office for a while." "I'll be working out of the rehab center In Bethesda where I've taken a room for the duration of MacArthur's stay." "U until I get back, Nicky will be holding down the fort." "I'm giving him strict instructions not to do anything stupid." "(Garth) Code red." "[Sighs] Seriously, Nick." "Don't blow it." "Check it out." "There's our fearless leader plotting our brilliant future." "(Thea) Well at least with him In charge, I'm off the hook." "Well, things are looking up." "Okay, let's figure out how to get me out of this mess." "I'll Google what kind of mishaps can happen when you're pregnant." "Hey, guys." "Sorry to bother you." "(Lisa) You're boss now, Nick." "You can bother us anytime you want." "Right." "U m, Thea, I kind of need a favor." "Would you, come with me?" "We're meeting Susie Cavendish." "I mentioned her in the meeting last week." "you see, Suzie's written this hilarious book about pregnancy." "It, it's true stories about pregnant women getting stuck in bathtubs and throwing up under their desks at work and farting by mistake in meetings." "It, it's stuff you, you must know a lot more about than me, obviously." "Yeah, totally." "Totally." "I'm trying really, really hard not to fart right now." "Anyway, I want to publish Susie's book and, and while Jerry's gone, I'm gonna do it." "you know, carpe deem and all that stuff." "Yeah, definitely." "I actually used to be a pretty carpe diem kind of person myself." "But not anymore." "Because I'm pregnant." "See, that's just it." "Susie's not convinced that Steinwald's the right place." "So I thought you might help convince her otherwise." "Yeah, sure." "I mean, I'll just talk to her about the whole farting thing." "Uh, one thing." "Uh, Susie kind of thinks you're an editor." "Why would she think that?" "I kind of implied it." "What?" "Susie!" "(Susie) ." "N ice to see you." "(Suzie) Most pregnancy books make you feel totally Inadequate and how you're destined to be a failure as a parent." "No one writes about what pregnancy is really like, how you feel fat and clumsy and stupid." "The absolute worst is "What to Expect When you're Expecting. " Have you read that?" "Oh, no, I was told it was so bad I shouldn't even go near it." "So, what are you reading?" "Uh, you know, just the usual suspects." "Like?" "Well, I was banking on finding Pregnancy for Dummies." "I love that series." "Yeah." "H m." "I interesting." "Come on, Nicky, how can you guys sell my book if you're not familiar with the competition?" "Thea has had a pretty full workload lately." "I don't know, guys." "I don't know if this is the right marriage." "Come on." "From the people who brought you the Kalashnikov diaries comes a comedic send-up of 21st century pregnancy?" "It's just, the right home is so important." "I know." "We are the right home." "I mean, sure, our, uh, plumbing is a little leaky and maybe we need a new paint job." "But our backyard is a really great place for a barbecue In the summer." "you know?" "If we can make a bestseller... outta the Defeat of Darius at Issus we've gotta be good." "I mean, that couldn't be easy, right?" "Absolutely." "The thing about pregnancy is It's Incredibly messy." "Those other books are teaching you how to avoid the mess." "You're embracing the mess." "And you've written an Incredible Insightful, hilarious, controversial manifesto." "Just give us a shot." "It has bestseller written all over it." "We promise we won't let you down." "So you've read it." "Oh." "I live it." "Love it." "Every day." "Let me think about it." "Hey, I'm startling a new birthing class tomorrow." "Maybe Thea could come with me." "She'll be there." "And bring your partner." "Her fiancée." "Miles, right?" "Yeah." "Could you excuse me for a second?" "(Nick) Yes." "Vodka." "Straight up." "[Gasps] Thanks." "you okay?" "I just set the world record for bullshitting." "What happened?" "Long story." "I can't handle doing it again." "A promotion?" "you are the new Associate Editor of our brand new Family division." "Family division?" "Susie called." "She wants to give us a shot, thanks to you." "Now, Susie's book will launch our new division." "It's a perfect opportunity to capture a new demographic and help the company to grow vertically..." "Nick." "Look, there's something I need to tell you." "This whole thing is a big lie." "I feel terrible, but I'm not really..." "An editor?" "I know, I'm the one who forced you to lie." "Which as a rule Isn't great but what's not a lie is that you did really good today." "There's so many people more qualified." "So many people in ways you don't even know." "Thea." "To be a good editor all you need is a, a feel for the material" "It's what my father had when he started this company and It's what you have." "You're living through the thrills of starting a family." "What about Kristen?" "She's pregnant." "Obviously I am too, but she's, she's really pregnant." "First of all, Kristen's a lawyer without a creative bone in her body." "And then there's the Indisputable fact that she's a complete weirdo." "[Sighs] Oh." "Look, Nick, I mean, I see your point." "I do." "And I wanna help." "But I just, I can't." "I'm not your accountant." "But the other thing you should know is that associate editors make a lot more money than secretaries." "A lot?" "Let's just say, you'll have your own secretary and office." "So are you my new associate editor?" "[Gasps and music] I guess I am." ""War Stories From the Pregnancy Front" by Susie Cavendish." "you loved it, you live it." "you should probably read it." "I do, I agree with what you're saying." "If you have your colon health you do have everything." "But, I do, I thought it interesting when you said we were going wrong and we should be sort of on the seat like a gargoyle as opposed to just sitting." "Not now, Miles." "Don't you know enough about being fake pregnant already?" "How can this be this big of a deal?" "I mean, come on, you do the nasty, you're knocked up, you inflate and then, uh, eight, nine months?" "N nine months later you shoot that puppy out." "I mean, how can there be 8 million books about this?" "Just promise me you won't write one." "Okay." "If you promise you're still on birth control." "Believe me, I am." "Oh, yeah?" "Uh-huh." "Excellent." "[Rhythmic music]" "N ice new digs, huh?" "Yeah." "So, what did you think?" "About what?" "Uh, Susie's book." "Any thoughts?" "Oh, yeah, it was great." "What do you think?" "How much did you actually read?" "The first two chapters." "But I'm gonna finish the rest of it today." "I just got a little distracted." "Nick, please, let me explain." "Thanks for your thoughts." "[Gasps] you have shelves." "And a door." "[Thud]" "Congratulations, Thea." "Thank you, Greg." "you really think you can get to the top by playing games, don't ya?" "I know what you're up to, Thea." "And I think that it stinks." "H m." "Really?" "Do you think that it stinks that I want to hire you to be my Assistant?" "[Gasps] Really?" "you'll start first thing Monday after I put the paperwork through." "Oh, wow, Thea." "Thea, thank you so much." "I, I could kiss you right now." "you don't have to do that." "I'll see you later, boss." "Look at you, Little Miss Executive." "Hardly." "I don't even really know what I'm doing here." "I didn't finish the manuscript last night and Nick just asked for my opinion and I didn't have one." "you might wanna get one." "This is your ticket out of the secretarial pool." "[Rhythmic music]" "(Garth) If your last name Is O'Keeffe, why do you look Jewish?" "Well, It's true." "you don't look Irish." "[Louder music]" "Steinwald Publishing." "So O'Keeffe got a new girlfriend." "He's robbing the cradle." "She's 95." "Did you hear me?" "(Thea) I loved it." "It was funny and smart and you don't even have to be pregnant to enjoy it." "I'm guessing about that because I am pregnant." "I enjoyed it and I'm not pregnant." "I was thinking, you could organize the chapters like a pregnancy." "you know, group each woman's stories by trimester." "So, so the book would start with stories about the awkward moments when everyone thinks you've been eating too many cupcakes." "Exactly." "And then the second trimester." "Like Sally's story when she threw up in her purse at her kid's play." "Nick, I'm sorry I didn't finish the book last night." "It won't happen again." "I'm glad you like it." "We've got our work cut out for us." "It'll be in bookstores in 6 weeks." "I'd like to see your notes, but Susie's class starts in 20 minutes so you should go." "I totally forgot." "The thing is, Miles is going out of town for work." "That's too bad." "Do you think I could reschedule?" "Now it's time for partner relaxation techniques for when your special marathon begins." "So, partners, I want you to move behind your marathoners... with your legs open In a big V." "Hm." "Welcome home." "Now, take this opportunity to stroke your wives or girlfriends." "Stroke it out." "Now why don't you whisper something special to her, okay?" "Something that only you two would share In this private moment." "It could be funny, it could be naughty." "[Chuckles]" "I'm not listening." "Let that relaxation wash over you." "I am so sorry about this." "It's, you know, you don't have to stroke my hair." "Okay, I'm sorry." "Uh, you know, you can lean back if you want." "I, I can tell you're kind of straining." "I am." "Great." "Now that we're all relaxed, let's try some birthing positions, okay?" "Mary?" "Could I borrow your partner for just a sec?" "I promise I'll give him back. [chuckles] Maybe." "I'm just kidding." "Come here, cutie." "All right." "I want you to get on all fours with your palms firmly placed to the ground and then we're gonna rock back." "We're gonna rock back into it." "Oh." "Feel that womb open up." "It feels familiar, right?" "This is how we got ourselves into this mess." "[Chuckles] For some of us, not all of us." "The position's not for everybody." "Partners, I want you to envelope your marathoner, okay?" "And just get in a deep stretch here around the belly keep moving back and forth, right?" "Get your hands on the tummy back there." "And keep pushing In." "Keep pushing In and envelope." "Get right on top of there." "Feel that, feel..." "Lop." "Man down, okay." "It's okay." "Just hop back on." "No mistakes here." "Okay." "All right." "Finish up when you feel done." "I need a few more." "If you'll indulge me Mary, thank you." "Okay, and just keep the rocking." "Never stop rocking." "Oh!" "Yes." "Give it to me, Rob, we're doing it now." "Oh!" "Oh!" "Okay. [sighs] And we're done." "Wonderful, thank you." "This guy's good, right?" "I'm gonna borrow you for another class." "Or after class." "[Chuckles] I'm kidding." "(Suzie) Bye, guys." "(Nick) That was great." "Thanks a lot." "(Thea) Bye." "(Nick) Wow." "That was up there as one of the most embarrassing moments of my life." "Hey, here, let me get you something." "No, no, it's the least I can do after nearly paraly Xing you." "HI." "Thanks." "(Thea) Did you always work in the family business?" "Uh, I wanted to be a writer." "But I was scared I might be a total hack so I got an accounting degree. [Chuckles]" "I figured I'd make a living doing that while I finished my book... but kind of been stuck in the middle for a few years." "What do you wanna be when you grow up?" "Well, in college I played in a badass metal band." "Really?" "You're a badass?" "A little bit, kind of." "Fascinating." "A little terrifying but fascinating." "So is that what you did in college, badass metal band studies?" "No, I didn't finish college." "Oh, why not?" "Too boring?" "Not Joan Jett enough for you?" "No." "U m, I loved college." "It's just my parents passed away in a car accident, so I had to leave to take care of my little sister." "I'm sorry." "I shouldn't have said anything." "Oh, n... no." "I..." "I'm glad you told me." "I'm just so sorry that happened." "Thanks." "So is your sister a badass like you?" "No, she's more of a smart ass." "[Laughs] Here." "Hey, you know, uh, Susie's having a pool party this weekend." "you should come." "And bring Miles." "Pool party?" "Yeah." "I promise, I won't be wearing a Speedo." "[Chuckles]" "[Door opens]" "Nice look!" "Do we have a secret steam room you never told me about?" "No, I'm going to a pool party." "Ah." "Well, good thing you've got that towel on now." "Wouldn't wanna leave that 'til when you actually get there." "Enough of the sass, smarty pants." "What are you doing here?" "Tennis ended early." "What's the bag for?" "Nothing." "Come on, you can do better than that." "At least I'm wearing pants." "Pants?" "you call those pants?" "They're shorts." "All right, bye." "Don't call if you need me." "[Rock music]" "Okay, you really have to act like you're the father, okay?" "Yeah." "You're the father." "It's serious." "Oh, come on." "you have to appear to be responsible." "Are you kidding me?" "I'm totally psyched." "I thought about this." "Everyone's gonna think I'm a super-stud for knocking up a hot chick like you." "Okay, so, that's an example of something you wouldn't say." "Baby." "Well, I think you're beautiful even with your..." "Thank you." "(Thea) Hey." "How are you?" "Nick, this is my fiancé, Miles." "Miles, this is Nick." "Congratulations." "you must be so excited." "Oh, it's, I just can't wait for the little guy to [pop] pop out." "Oh, you're having a boy." "Yeah." "We, uh, we just found out." "And do you have a name yet?" "Now, see, I didn't think any..." "Hey." "Garth, this is my fiancé, Miles." "Miles, Garth." "He's an editor at the company." "You're a lucky guy, huh?" "Yes, I am. you look pretty lucky your self there." "I'm gonna go inside and say hi to Susie." "Oh, yeah, hold up, babe." "I'm taking a dip." "It's blazing here." "Babes." "Yeah?" "Right there." "Anybody care to join?" "I will." "Let's go in." "That's what I like to hear." "I don't wanna get my chain wet." "Listen, I have two friends that I want you to meet." "They're both writers and they're actually looking for a new publisher, so I think they'll really like you." "Really?" "you and Nick make such a good team." "Thank you." "Hey, guys." "I want you to meet Audrey Gold... and Dr. Terry Barnacle." "Terry wrote the Barnacle Baby Book," " which is like the bible..." " Oh, no..." "I won't even touch that." "I don't wanna be accused of having a God complex." "And Audrey just finished a book on single parenting... and I hear from reliable sources that she's not very happy at Boyle Donner." "Oh, well we would love to meet with you guys." "Yeah, Nick and Thea just started a parenting division at Steinwald." "Hmm. you have the most unique shape." "If you don't mind me asking, you don't have a distended uterus, do you?" "Uh, no, no, I..." "I don't think so." "Well, who's your OB?" "[Clears throat] Dr. Drake Barysinwitx." "you mean Hans?" "Frogenberry Schoenewitx?" "I thought he moved back to Vienna." "[Splash]" "[All] Oh!" "My bad." "I just, I was trying to, totally going for her." "Very funny, Miles." "Hey. you should... uh, you should totally come in." "We're having such a good time in there." "I don't feel like swimming right now." "Come on." "It's so nice in there." "No one cares that you're fat." "Kids, tell her to come in." "Come in." "Come in." "Come in." "(Thea) It's okay." "you don't want to disappoint the children." "Woo!" "Shit." "[Laughs]" "What is that?" "Oh!" "[All] Oh..." "[Miles laughs]" "[Gasps]" "(Nick) That's not cool." "(Thea) It was so humiliating." "On the way home I told him to drop me off and never speak to me again." "Good." "I always thought Miles was a bit of a numb nut anyway." "[Sighs] I'm just so embarrassed that N nick thinks he's the father of my child." "Who cares what Nick thinks?" "He's just the first person in years that thinks I'm capable of doing more than just pouring coffee." "What do you think he'll say when he finds out your baby is a piece of polyurethane foam we swiped off a mannequin?" "He's actually kinda cute though, don't you think?" "Who?" "U m, Nick." "U m, no." "Cigarette?" "No, I probably shouldn't." "[Guffaws]" "Okay, uh, to recap, uh only one of you would even bother to look at the book." "And the rest of you wouldn't buy it with a gun to your head... which can't be good for sales." "Can any of you tell me why the cover doesn't speak to you?" "Maybe comparing pregnancy to a battle Is, uh, putting you off." "Yes." "I can't stay for the rest of the focus group." "Can I still get my check?" "Just stop by reception." "Okay." "Uh, one down." "Maybe we should forget what's on the cover for a second." "What makes this book great is that It's a collection of real stories for real women talking about how it feels to be pregnant." "So let's talk about some of us feel right now." "I feel like crap." "That's good." "I mean, that's bad." "But keep going." "How come no one talks about how much pregnancy sucks!" "Oh, there's no glow in my house." "Okay, so what I'm hearing is that you're all so over it." "[All] Yeah." "Hello, I'm Orca the Whale." "Like, what's up with that?" "I know, they're not even bloated at all." "Thea, your sister's at reception." "Hey, what are you doing here?" "you forgot to sign the release for my trip to Lake Arrowhead." "It's due today." "Thea, aren't you going to introduce me to your sister?" "Oh, Nick, Emma." "Emma, Nick." "She's in a real rush." "She has to go." "Okay, well, this has been fun." "It's been fun." "What is that?" "Just because you don't like my dress doesn't mean you have to be rude." "Move." "I'll tell you outside." "What's wrong with you?" "I'm a big fat liar, but Jerry was firing me" "I had to come up with something." "you are one sandwich shy of a picnic, you know that?" "You're crazy." "What are you thinking?" "[Sighs] you might be interested to know that I got a promotion and a raise." "I can't believe we're actually related." "As soon as I can I'm gonna come clean." "Things are complicated." "The company depends on me." "I have heard enough." "I am out of here." "[Soft cheerful music]" "Morning, Thea." "Last month's and this month's." "Wow, early." "That's a first." "I've got something for you." "Oh, you made these?" "Yes." "I went with marigold because it's neutral." "Thank you." "Hey." "Hey." "Okay, not that you're interested, but the word is that Nick's divorce is finalized this week." "Garth told me." "Garth told you?" "I've been hanging out with him, Miss Busy." "I took the liberty of picking you up a calcium-enriched smoothie and a bran muffin." "I figured you might be getting a little backed up." "Thanks, Greg." "You're welcome." "Excuse me." "Greg's worried about you being backed up?" "Constipation is a common problem for pregnant women." "Ach." "Well..." "lucky for you you're not actually pregnant." "Or do you even know that anymore?" "Of course I know that." "Obviously." "[Knocking] Hi." " Hi." " Sorry to interrupt." "I wanted to get you a little something, I ordered it off of eBay." "It's an armadillo foot for, for when you're In labor." "It, it wards off the evil eye." "Thank you so much, Carl." "That's so sweet of you." "I'll keep it with me the whole time." "Oh-kay." "I know I told you to go along with this for a few weeks, but you're starting to freak me out." "Things are going really well for me." "It's not because of the stomach. you're doing good work." "The only thing you're doing bad is walking around with a load of bullshit strapped to your stomach." "Nick." "Nick." "[Whispers] Nick." "What's up?" "you won't believe who left me a voicemail." "An Associate producer from the Vista." "No way." "She read the book, loves it, with Claire's approval, we'll be In." "That would be the greatest thing ever." "Oh!" "Oh." "Sorry." "I..." "I'm a bit of a closet hugger." "It won't happen again." "That's, that's okay." "[Intercom] Nick, I got Jerry for you." "Oh." "Uh, put him through." "How you holding down the fort, Nicky?" "Good, Everything's going great." "Working on a little project." "you haven't done anything stupid, have you?" "No, of course not." "You're doing great, sweetie." "[Whimpers]" "Do me a favor, Nick." "No little projects." "Don't do anything." "Don't touch anything." "If you need a project, try match.om." "It's been awhile since you've seen any action." "Okay, Jerry." "I'll talk to you later." "Thank you." "It really hasn't been that long." "I'm, I'm sure." "Um, okay." "I got a lotta work to do." "So, I'm gonna go do it." "Okay." "Bye." "[Vacuum cleaner]" "So the book comes out in three weeks." "That, that gives us plenty of time for publicity." "I hope you don't mind." "I just couldn't take it anymore." "Oh, wow." "I can see!" "[Chuckles]" "God." "I don't know if you know this, but you're pregnant." "your sense of humor really takes a dive after nine o'clock, huh?" "Is it after nine?" "Yeah." "Oh, my God, I'm slave-driving a pregnant woman." "No, not at all, I wanna be here." "I do, I feel I'm making up for lost time." "And I'm really grateful you've given me this shot." "So, thanks." "It's my pleasure." "You should be at home with your fiancé." "Right." "My fiancé." "I'm taking you home." "But... you promise to have ridiculously high expectations of me in the morning." "[Softly chuckles]" "Thank you." "Well, here, no, no." "Okay." "[Cheerful music]" "[Velcro sound]" "Is this your first?" "Yeah." "I can't wait." "And you?" "It's mine, too." "Would you sign this, please?" "(Nick) Oh, that's amazing." "What about Thea?" "Thea?" "Absolutely, you." "No, no, no." "Yes." "No, I stay behind the camera." "you, over here right now." "(Nick) Come on, give it a shot." "Oh, yeah." "Work it." "Nick." "Make love to the..." "Sorry." "I know you don't actually say that." "I'm sorry." "Thanks for coming here with me." "I had such a craving." "Are you kidding me?" "I love mud slide pie." "I think we could use a little more whipped cream." "Oh, did I tell you we signed Barnacle?" "Thanks for hooking us up with him." "My pleasure." "Oh, I may have some good news." "I may have gotten us two spots in Sunshine Daycare." "Great." "Thanks." "I haven't even thought about daycare." "I don't know how you do it, with your kid, your pregnancy and your job." "I can't even take care of my little sister, Emma." "I wish my mother left me user instructions." "Well, there are no hard and fast rules." "you just have to go with your gut." "Yeah, well I certainly have no shortage of gut at the moment." "Well, when all else fails, sugar and shopping." "Very persuasive." "[Doorbell]" " Hi." " Hi... is Emma here?" "Oh, hi, Emma." "Can you babysit tomorrow night?" "Oh, I can't, Donna." "Sorry." "I have to study with my friend Chloe." "Um, I can do it." "you know, good practice." "That's right." "Oh, God." "Thea, you are the best." " Tomorrow night at eight?" " Yeah." " Great." "Bye." " Bye." "I don't even know who you are right now, but you're definitely not the best." "Do you wanna make cupcakes and then maybe go shopping at Forever Twenty-One?" "No." "Actually I'd rather scrub myself down with a pineapple than do that." "(Kristen) I don't know what to do." "This was Dan's idea." "He was all, like, let's have a baby." "It'll be so cute." "you know?" "I was, like really?" "Really?" "Well, let's strap 50 pounds of cement to your torso... and see how fun it is then." "you know, I just... [sobs]" "Yeah." "I know." "I understand." "I just need a drink." "Or some weed." "I know it's scary." "I mean, the fact that we're gonna have these tiny fragile humans totally dependent on us." "It's kind of freaking me out, too." "Really?" "Yeah." "'Cause, Thea, you just, you seem so together." "Oh, hl." "We need to talk." "What happened?" "Okay, thanks for listening." "Uh..." "I... uh," "I kinda got into an altercation with Miles." "What're you talking about?" "He was kissing another woman." "So I confronted him." "And he told me... he told me he's not the father." "So I punched him." " You what?" " I punched him." "I couldn't help it..." "just... it came over me." "You deserve better than that, Thea, a... a lot better." "Nick, Miles is not the father." "He's not even my boyfriend... anymore." "The truth is, there is no father." "I mean, there is but it was a one-night stand and he's outta the picture now." "Thea, there is nothing wrong with being a single mother." "Okay." "[Knocking]" "[Clears throat] The printer has a question He's on line one." "Okay." "Oh." "What was that about?" "He looks like a maniac." "I just told Nick the truth." " [Gasps] How'd he take it?" " Okay..." "He doesn't think I should be with Miles anyway." "Yeah, but what did he say about the pregnancy?" "He didn't say anything about the pregnancy." "What's there to say?" "Thea." "We should talk." "Do you want to get a beer after work?" "A beer?" "you know I can't drink." "[Rhythmic music]" "Is your stomach growing?" "Well, I'm nearly six months now." "(Thea) Hi, how are you?" "Where's my sister, Emma?" "(Emma coming in) Hey." "How was practice?" "Fine." "Same as usual." "Really?" "That's funny because Coach Henrietta told me you quit a month ago." "I found this in your backpack, you've got some explaining to do." "That's dried cilantro." "Yeah, right." "Smell it." "Okay, maybe it is." "But where were you today?" "At Jake's, waiting tables." "You've been lying for weeks." "Hey, I learn from the best." "Hey... um, your boss is here." " What?" " Yeah... maybe he wants to make cupcakes with you." "Um... can you get my stomach?" "It's in my room." "Yeah." "But... um, it'll cost you... 25 bucks." " 15!" " Sold." "She'll be right with you." "She's just getting dressed." "Okay, thanks." "Does it make you feel weird knowing she's naked only, like, ten feet away." "Em!" "Coming." "Stomach." "No." "Pay me." "I'll pay you after." "Give me the stomach." "A promise from Thea?" "I can't take that to the bank." "Just pay me know." "Thank you." "Here's your fake belly." "Shut up." "Get out." "Hello." "Hey." "(Emma) Okay." "Hey." "Um..." "I..." "I just, I thought I'd stop by, uh..." "I wanted to show you something." "It's our very first complete copy of the book with cover and everything." "That's, that's great!" "And, wow, I'm on the cover." "Oh." "And we booked... uh, Tynan's bookstore for the book launch." "That's awesome." "Well, um, I should probably get outta here... and let you enjoy your Saturday." "Well... um, if you're free then do you wanna get coffee?" "Sure." "(Nick) I had a dog once." "Then Jerry stole it, took it to college with him." "Oh." "[chuckles]" "There's something amazing about having a child." "It makes you feel like a part of something bigger, you know, even if it's not real." "Well, for me, that is." "Lydia didn't want children." "And I never questioned it." "But now I," "I realize, I..." "I do wanna be a father." "I've been wanting to do that for a really long time." "Actually, I just, just did that." "Right." "We should probably take things slowly though." "Absolutely." "Yeah." "I have to..." "I just realized..." "I have to go." "There's somewhere..." "I have to go somewhere." "Sure." "Okay." "My sister..." "I'll talk to you later." "Okay." "[Soft music]" "Yes, she's due the sixth of October." "Alright." "Okay." "That was your friend, Rachel." "And these are for you." "She saw the book at Crown Books." "How come you didn't tell her you were pregnant?" "I thought I told her." "It must have slipped my mind." "Pregnancy brain." "I was planning on waiting a little longer to start a family." "Sow my wild oats a little bit." "But, I feel like there is a larger purpose for me." "Thea, you need someone who is smart and responsible." "Oh, God." "I offer myself to you, mind and body, heart and soul." "Let me be your baby daddy." "Uh... uh... uh, that's very generous of you." "But it's, you know..." "that's not gonna ha..." "Don't worry about it." "It's a tough decision." "Thea, can I talk to you?" "Yeah, sure, yes." "Yes, absolutely." "If you could let me know before lunch." "I have a date I'd have to cancel." "I don't want to do that if I don't have to." "She's a little older..." "So you're ready for tonight?" "Yeah." "Totally." "We should clear the air." "I've been thinking a lot about what happened." "And I feel terrible about it." "You do?" "I'm your boss and I made..." "[whispers] I made a pass at you." "Nick, that's not it." "I made a pass at you." "I caught that pass and I threw it back." "And I liked it." "You did?" "Look, that's not what it is," "I'm just afraid of..." "There's a guy, Philip, at reception." "He says he's the father?" "Do want me to talk to this guy?" "No, no, no." "It's okay." "(Greg) I'll talk to him." "It's okay." "Thank you both." "Excuse me." "Young man, don't you have any sense of responsibility?" "I didn't even know, lady." "She never returned my calls." "Christ, is it mine, Thea?" "Believe me, it's not yours." "(Phillip) You can't be sure." "I did the math." "Believe me." "I can be sure." "(Phillip) I demand a DNA test, I..." "Yeah." "I'll tell her." "Bye." "(Ann) Your sister needs you at home." "A fire in the toilet?" "Your toilet's on fire?" "Isn't that technically impossible?" "Who's Philip?" "Uh, an old, old boyfriend." "Big misunderstanding." "Everything okay?" "Yeah." "Everything's okay." "No worries here." "Completely under control." "But, uh, I..." "I should probably get home to my sister." "I'll meet you at the party." "Whoa." "Sorry." "[All] Surprise!" "[Applause] Surprise [gasps]" "Hi, everyone." "Oh my God, Aunt Betty!" "Surprise, darling'." "Darling'." "It's so good to see you." "Aunt Jane and I just drove in from Seattle." "Oh, Aunt, thank you, it's so sweet of you to do this." "(Thea) Thank you." "[All gasp] Oooh!" "Ooh, it's a onesies." "Just what I needed." "We all decorated them." "Who made this one?" "And this one?" "[Speaks baby gibberish]" "What a good job, Sam!" "[Chuckles]" "[Total silence]" "That one's mine." "(Emma) I just thought" "It was a little ironic." "[Doorbell]" "(Donna) More people are coming." " Hi." "(Lisa) Whoa." "[laughs]" "(Lisa) Hey, well, I hate to break up the party, but... uh, we need to talk." "(Lisa) Everybody hang onto your seats just in case something happens to her story." "Uh... no, I should get changed." "I need to be at a work event." "So thank you for the shower, everyone." "Thank you." "(woman) Bye." "She is so out of control." "Look." "She has stockpiled all of this random stuff in her closet." "I mean, what is this?" "Seriously." "It was on sale." "Okay." "I need you to say, My name is Thea and I'm not pregnant." "This is ridiculous." "And I've gotta go." "Come here." "(Lisa) You have got to come clean." "I will." "Okay?" "I promise." "Just not yet." "It's just I'm better pregnant." "For once, my life doesn't suck." "And I can't go back to being Jerry's secretary or unemployed." "(Emma) What are you gonna do?" "Stay pregnant for the rest of your life?" "People will get suspicious." "Act like a grown-up." "Stop playing dress-up." "(Emma) Oh, my God, this is ridiculous." "Take off the stomach now!" "No." "Then I'm gonna take it off for you." "Get off of me!" "Let me take it off!" "Get off of me." "Oh, hey!" "Hey, guys!" "Emma, stop it!" "[Muffled] (Lisa) Stop it... (Emma) Let me take it off" "Making noise." "They are making noise." "Hey!" "Stop it!" "Take that thing off." "(Lisa) I said stop." "Gosh." "(Lisa) Come on." "Stay back!" "I'll get that thing off of you." "Get off of me!" "I'm gonna take that thing off now!" "Give it back!" "[Ripping] Agh." "What are you doing?" "[Gasps]" "[Gasps]" "[Panting]" "You are so grounded!" "Forever!" "(Lisa) Uh..." "ladies." "I think we need to re-group." "(Emma) Stark raving mad." "[Rhythmic music]" "Excuse me." "[Gasp]" "[Cheerful music]" "(Aunt Betty) What are you doing?" "(woman) I thought she was pregnant." "[Sighs]" "Um." "(woman) I'm really confused." "Well, that is the last time I throw a surprise party for anyone." "That baked ziti goes home with me." "[Indistinct Chatter]" "Sorry." "I had to take care of things with Em." "The toilet fire?" "Yeah, I got the blaze under control." "You guys are amazing." "This is a great turnout." "Thank you." "Okay." "Time to struggle with public speaking." "Sit back and enjoy." "You're gonna be great." "Thanks." "[Kissing sound]" "What was that?" "Are you guys, uh..." "I don't know." "Maybe." "Kinda." "(Suzie) Hey." "Good." "Good evening, everyone." "I'm back!" "(Jerry) MacArthur finished rehab a week early." "What's the matter, Nicky?" "You don't look happy to see me." "Of course I am, Jerry." "Welcome back." "You're just in time for Susie's reading." "I got a little surprise for you." "I just signed Rumsfeld for his first book deal!" "Donald?" "No, Carlos." "Of course Donald." "I met him at the rehab facility." "His cat had a terrible case of sciatica." "They had to put the poor thing on oxycontin." "She got addicted." "It was a mess." "I'm in the middle of something." "Rummy's book is genius." "It's gonna put us back on the map." "It's a completely unique opus about his time in Iraq sprinkled with some of his favorite recipes." "It's called "Fire It Up"." "Here's the manuscript." "It sounds great, Jerry, but I've got a reading now." "Can this wait?" "you know what?" "I'll be reading my book." "(Jerry) I'm shuttling down your little operation." "Jerry, Susie's book is a real gem." "It could be a hit for the company." "What are you so afraid of?" "That I might do a better job than you?" "Hmm." "Let me think." "Have you ever done better than me at anything?" "Hello, everybody." "I've got a treat for you tonight." "I'm gonna be reading from Donald Rumsfeld's new book." "Here's a particularly touching passage about a short rib recipe he picked up while in Baghdad." "Susie's reading." "Go read your cookbook somewhere else, Jerry." "Step away from the podium now!" "[Rhythmic music]" "Make me." "He begins." "Agh!" "[All gasp while Jerry and Nick growl]" "(Nick) Get off!" "(Thea) Okay." "Okay." "Stop it I that's enough." "That's enough." "Stop it." "Get off of him." "How pathetic. you have to have your secretary defend you." "She's not a secretary." "Oh, really?" "Then what is she, other than shrill?" "She's a fantastic editor." "[Laughs mockingly] Oh, that's rich." "An editor?" "So I go away for a few months, and the world's lamest accountant is running my company with the world's dumbest secretary." "(Jerry) All I can say is," "I hope your kid doesn't inherit your brains." "[Shrieks]" "[All gasp] Oh!" "(Susie) Be careful!" "Be careful..." "Oh, God!" "[Plop]" "[All gasp]" "[All] Oh." "(Ann) What happened to your stomach?" "Oh, Nicky." "You always were such a good judge of character." "Nick." "I'm sorry." "I'm so sorry." "I never meant for things to go this far." "Jerry was gonna fire me and I couldn't afford to get fired." "And I thought the whole thing would blow over in a day or two." "Blow over in a day or two?" "What kind of person pretends to be pregnant?" "Nick." "I'm sorry." "Just..." "Please, just..." "Nick." "[Cheerful music]" "Hey, Nick, it's Thea, um..." "I'm kinda wondering what you're up to." "Kinda of assuming that what you're up to is hating me." "Kinda feeling very bad about that." "Anyway." "Call me." "Hi, Nick." "Thea again." "I just wanna say that I'm so, so sorry." "(Claire on TV) I was talking to your mother about it." "She and I are on the same page on this thing." "I would rather say extra virgin olive oil." "I don't wanna abbreviate it." "Hi, Nick, it's me." "Uh..." "I know you haven't been interested in picking up the phone..." "But I just wanted to tell you how much really... really..." "[Doorbell]" "(Thea)" "(Lisa) Hall" "Wow..." "So... what have you been up to?" "Watching the Vista on an endless loop." "It's self-inflicted torture." "That sounds healthy." "Well, it smells like something died in here." "It did." "My soul." "Thea. you've gotta give yourself a tiny break." "People make mistakes." "I majorly screwed up." "Well, look on the bright side." "They're still talking about it at work." "How's Nick doing?" "I don't know." "He resigned." "What?" "Did he say anything about what he's gonna do?" "If you're asking me If he he'd track you down and propose to you and spend the rest of your lives together?" "No." "He wasn't specific." "I've been calling him and calling him." "And he won't call me back." "Yeah, well maybe that has something to do... with the massively twisted lie you've told him for the last few months." "Do you think he'll ever forgive me?" "Do you want me to be honest or do you want me to make you feel better?" "How are Susie's book sales?" "Good." "you know, uh..." "there's still a few boxes... that we need to distribute here and there." "Oh, no." "Sorry." "Hey." "Mind if I join you?" "It's a free country." "Hm." "What's in this?" "Mint?" "Yup." "It's perfect with the pear." "It's so unexpected." "That was actually... um, my idea." "I kinda just thought it would work." "Dad would have loved it." "Mom would have thought it was too fussy." "But she would have polished off the leftovers after everyone went to bed." "I'm a big fat liar and I'm sorry you got stuck with me." "Listen, Em." "We're gonna make this work." "Okay?" "I made an appointment with the Culinary I institute to talk about student loans." "And I talked to Ms. Talbot about scholarships." "you know, Mom and Dad would have been so proud of you." "Thanks." "[Cheerful music]" "It needs, um..." "I think ten more minutes." "I don't have ten more minutes." "But it's gonna be all gooey inside." "I'll just have to take my chances." "(man) Here she comes." "Here comes Claire, everybody." "[Crowd cheers] (woman) I love you." "I haven't missed a show in five years." "Thank you." "But you should get out more." "I'm kidding." "I'm Thea Olayhill, your biggest fan." "I made you a pineapple cake." "It's your favorite, right?" "Yes." "Good reconnaissance." "Good for you." "How did you know about the cake?" "Her May 15th show." "She said it in passing." "I have some books for you." "Oh, great." "Just leave 'em right over there." "Okay." "Keep your womb open." "you've got it." "I actually would like even more toppings on my..." "Hello." "Hey." "Thea Cahill, your number one fan with banana cream pie." "you do your homework." "I hope it's as delicious as your pineapple cake." "[Slams door] you can hit a few more potholes next time." "(man) Claire, I love you." "(Woman) There she Is." "Claire." "There she is." "My number one fan, Thea Olayhill." "Uh... pear ginger pie." "Nicely done, Betty Crocker." "It's actually not me, it's my little sister." "What's your angle besides making me a pig?" "Wanna get your little sister on TV?" "I really wanna get this book on TV." "It's really special." "Okay." "Thank you." "Thanks." "(Lisa) Good luck." "I bet I'm the last person you wanted to see right now." "[Sighs] Well, maybe not the last person." "Maybe the second or third to last person." "I wouldn't want to see my 6th grade English teacher, Ms. Posey." "She was awful." "Or my college boyfriend." "He dumped me on an answering machine." "Listen, Susie." "I'm really sorry," "I really wish I could have been the person you thought I was." "I just figured if I told you the truth, you wouldn't want me in your life and I really enjoyed being in your s." "I really enjoyed being in your life, too, for what it's worth." "Well, I've got some really good news." "We're gonna..." "Ow!" "Oh, my God, are you okay?" "[Yelling, panting] The baby's coming." "Right now?" "My water broke this morning." "My contractions started an hour ago." "Ow!" "Where is everyone?" "[Panting] Jesse's on his way." "What should I do?" "Hot water?" "Towels?" "Let's just get in the car and go to the hospital." "A lotta people can help us there." "I can't really do much here." "No, no, no." "I'm fine." "I'm fine." "My contraction ended." "It'll be hours before I have this baby." "It's already that painful?" "[Sighs] You ain't seen nothin' yet." "It's gonna get a whole lot worse before we turn this mother out." "What were you saying?" "Oh... um, the Vista wants you." "[Both scream]" "Are you sure this is normal?" "Yes, it's fine." "The Vista?" "That's amazing." "When?" "In two hours." "They had a cancellation." "Yeah." "That's not gonna work for me." "[Both breathe]" "Hurry!" "We're gonna be late!" "[Cheerful music]" " Hello." " Hello." " Hi." " Hi." "[Baby cries]" "(Lisa) I think I'm sitting on something." "Like this." "[Babies cry]" "Hey, Em, it's me." "I desperately need a favor." "Here you go." "Don't cry." "[Knocks]" "Emma." "Hi, Nick." "What're you doing here?" "I have to take you somewhere." "Excuse me?" "[Sighs] Please, don't make me explain." "So if you just get your keys." "We really have to go." "Emma." "Come on!" "(Claire) You're pulling our legs." "Collectively." "We absolutely have to begin in 3 minutes. your guy better get here." "I promise he'll be here." "He'll be here." "It's gonna be great." "I don't know what's keeping him so long." "It'd be really fun to have you back again." "(Claire) When we come back, "I'm So Over This..." "What It's Really Like To Be Pregnant"." "So stick around." "[Clapping]" "I need four asses in those seats now." "Oh, my God, Lisa." "What are we gonna do?" "You're gonna go." "What?" "I don't wanna go." "(Claire) How are you?" "Thank you." "Loved the book." "Come on in." "Hello, little baby." "Come on up." " Hello." " Hi." "(Claire) Wow, Laura." "What an amazing story." "I cannot believe that beautiful baby was born at the DMV." "So Thea, any kids?" "Oh, no, never been pregnant." "So why another pregnancy book?" "Isn't the market a bit flooded?" "(Thea) Well, this one's different." "It's not a how-to book, or a bunch of rules and recipes." "These stories are ultimately about the birth of a new love." "(Emma) We're late." "I can't believe she booked with Vista." "It can be messy but in the end you're much stronger for having gone througt." "(Thea) Even If you did something you may regret." "And to be honest, I was just helping out." "you know, I shouldn't even really be sitting up here." "It was Nick Steinwald who's sitting in the audience right now." "He's responsible for the whole thing." "He believed in the book from the beginning and... he believed in me." "And..." "I really can't thank him enough for that." "Well, why don't we try, everybody, how about it?" "Nick Steinwald... stand up!" "[Clapping]" "(Claire) Get him a mike." "So, she sings your praises." "What is about the book that appealed to you?" "Um, well, uh..." "I thought Suzie's book had a fresh and funny perspective on pregnancy." "Thea was right when she said it was a book... about how love can see you through anything." "And how if... if you love someone, you can forgive them for... all of the... crazy and idiotic things they do." "Because love is a leap of faith." "And... sometimes you just have to jump." "Don't you?" "Wow." "Okay." "I'm gonna jump in here for a second, and... uh, thank you both so much." "Again, the book is "I'm So Over This..." "What It's Really Like To Be Pregnant"." "One last thing, Nick." "Do you know how cute you are?" "Uh... no." "[All laugh]" "(Claire) No, he doesn't, does he?" "[Laughs] Okay, thank you very much." "[Applause]" "(Claire) Hey, hey, hey!" "Guess what?" "The producer said there's been over 100 thousand hits... on the show's link to your book." "Yeah." " That's fantastic." " Yes, it is." "Thanks, Claire." "(Claire) Thank you." "Hey." "Thank you." "It's the least I could do." "I meant what I said about I can't thank you enough, you know, now that it's all over." "What's over?" "Working together, being together, just togetherness in general." "[Soft guitar music]" "It doesn't have to be." "We made a good book together." "We can make another one." "Would you wanna do that?" "Yes." "Yes, I would." "Still feel backed up?" "Thanks, Greg." "(Nick) Should It freak me out that he knows more about your bowels than I do?" "Uh, maybe that's a good thing." "If I've been timing these right, and I'm sure I have," "You're up in ten, nine, eight, seven..." "Ow!" "(Jerry) Yes just six seconds off." "What I'd miss?" "We're contracting every half hour." "You okay?" "(Garth) We're gonna kick this puppy out at 0900." "(Ann) They should head out now." "No one's going anywhere... the doctor said to wait until every 15... [screams]" "Wait. you're way off." " That one was not good." " Way off." "Jesus." "She's having a baby." "Now!" "(Thea) What do you mean?" "Okay." "No, no, no." "What the hell are we gonna do?" "Move!" "Move!" "(Kristen) My baby got ten on the APGAR scores... your baby's maybe like a seven or a eight." "(Carl) If it's a boy, feel free to name him Carl." "I forgot." "Okay." "(Kristen) Get the epidural." "(Jerry) Don't screw this up, you two." " Are you ready?" " Let's hope." " I Love you." " I love you, too." "(Thea) It's your fault." "Simper Fix." "(Kristen) Push!" " Oh, not yet."