" Cynthia..." " Oh, my God!" "No, no..." " I told you!" " Hold on..." "Willyouplease..." "NOTmarryme ?" "I choose Veronica." " What?" " Yes!" " Called it." " Why would he choose Veronica?" " Because he loves her." "Well--if it's any consolation, Summer, none of it mattered, and the entire show is stupid." "Okay, I've got an idea, Rick." "You show us your concept of "good TV," and we'll crap all over that." "I thought you'd never ask." "Hey!" "Oh, cool!" "Is that crystallized Zanthonite?" "It conducts electrons across dimensions." "Twenty percent accurate, as usual, Morty." "The important thing being I just upgraded our cable package with programming from every conceivable reality." "Wait, does that mean we get Showtime Extreme?" "How about Showtime Extreme in a world where man evolved from corn." "We'renotso different." "We're both corn of action." "Yeah." "Butoneof us is..." "DEAD CORN!" " Boring." " Summer," "You just spent three months, watching a man choose a fake wife." "So what?" "It'd be better if the people were corn?" "Jerry, you don't get it." "This is infinite TV... from infinite universes." "Look." "Thisshitis delicious." "A movie about a guy eating shit." "A violent Antiques Show..." " It's a pleasure to have you." " The pleasure's all mine." "Letterman from a time line where Jerry's famous..." " Wait!" " What in the hell?" "I agree." "Where is this going?" "No, the other thing!" "Go back!" "Really?" "All right, fine." "Glenn,thisis acourtorder." "It says you can't eat shit anymore." "All right, Jerry, when you're right, you're right." "Now I'm hooked." "Rick and Morty S01E08 "Rixty Minutes"" "Translated back from the Portuguese version" "Coming up next on "Shmloo's the Shmloss," Shmlony has a nightmare." "Shmlantha,Schmlona!" "Amazing." "A dimension where all proper nouns begin with "Schmla."" "Schmlove, Schmlandula, Schmlonathan ..." "All right, that got... th-that actually got old pretty quick." "Rick, would you please go back to me on David Letterman?" "Infinity's a big number, Jerry." "I don't remember the channel." " Go back, go back!" " Jeez..." "Youspeakda tru-tru." "Oh my God!" "Dad's in Cloud Atlas!" "I'm in Cloud Atlas!" "What's Cloud Atlas?" "Sometimessmalltru-tru different than da big tru-tru." "How is this possible?" "Infinite time lines, infinite possibilities." "Including a time line where Jerry's a movie star." "Look, you guys are getting excited about the wrong aspect of this device." "Wa--Look at this." "Andnow,another Quick Mystery." "Ijustwanttoknow whocould 'vedone something like this." "It's a travesty!" "Idid." "Seethisknifeandallthe blood on it?" "Here's my fingerprints." "Guilty!" "I sentenceyou to life in prison." "Here'sanotherQuickMystery." " My mother's dead!" "AndI killedher." "Here'stheweapon." "And cuff me, thank you very much." "Guilty!" "Sentenced to murder." "Here'sanother." " I'm the killer!" "Wow,thatonewas really quick, wasn't it?" "Now who wants to watch random, crazy TV shows from different dimensions... a-a-and then who wants to narcissistically obsess about their alternate self?" " I want to obsess about myself." " The narcisstic stuff." "(Sigh) Here." "These scan your retinas, and let you view parallel time lines through genetically matching versions of your eyes." "Go fetch!" " Yes!" "This is so cool!" " Ladies First!" "I'm proud of you, Morty." "Hey man, I don't give a crap about myself, Rick." "Let's watch some crazy stuff, yo!" "I'mAnts- In-My-Eyes Johnson," "HereatAnts-in- My-Eyes Johnson's Electronics." "Imean,there'sso many ants in my eyes!" "Andthere'sso many TVs, microwaves, radios ..." "Ithink,Ican 't--I'mnot 100 %surewhat wehave here in stock, because I can't see anything." "OurpricesI hope aren't too low!" "Checkoutthis refrigerator!" "Only $200!" "Whataboutthismicrowave?" "Only $100!" "That's fair!" "I'mAnts-in-My-EyesJohnson!" "Everything's black, I can't see a thing!" "AndalsoIcan 'tfeelanythingeither, did I mention that?" "Butthat'snotascatchy as having ants in your eyes." "Sothatalwaysgoes,youknow,  off by the wayside." "Ican'tfeel." "It's a very rare disease." "Allmys" "Allmynerves, they don't allow for the sensation of touch." "SoI neverknowwhat'sgoingon." "Am I standing?" "Sitting?" "I don't know." "Are we sure we want to do this?" "Look at our own alternative lives?" "You're right." "Maybe we should just play Yahtzee." "Give me those!" " What do you see?" " Whiteness." "Pure whiteness." "You're my best friend, Jerry Smith." "I love doing cocaine with you." "Whoa..." "I love doing cocaine with you too, Johnny Depp!" "Haven't we spent enough time on you?" "I'm performing surgery... but not on a horse, on a human!" "That's great, Beth!" "You always wanted to be a real surgeon." "I am a real surgeon." " Ahh--uh..." "Summer's turn!" " Finally!" "I don't see anything." "Well, you should select a different timeline," "I mean, if your father and I achieved our dreams, there's a chance you weren't even born." "That came out wrong." "That came out very wrong." "Fine, I'll find a world where you bothered to have me." "We're playing Yahtzee." " Yahtzee's fun." "We love Yahtzee." " It's a fun game for fun families!" "Hey, could I get those goggles back for a second?" "It'sa 45horsepowerwithanti-lockbrakes,andit's the official car of Mr. Sneezy 3D." "It'sthebrand-new..." "SneezyXL." "Thehornwhenyou honkit makes a sneeze noise." "It'spolite,it 'sright, and it's Sneezy..." "Deezy..." "Mc..." "Deluxe." "Oh,I 'mMr.Sneezy!" "Achoo!" "Huh, seems like TV from other dimensions has a somewhat looser feel to it." "Yeah, it's got an almost improvisational tone." "It'sintheatersnow !" "Coming this summer:" "Twobrothers." "In avan ." "And  then a meteor hit." "andtheyranasfast astheycould..." "from giant cat monsters." "andthenagianttornadocame..." "and that's when things got knocked into 12th gear." "AMexicanarmada shows up." "withweaponsmadefromTo-...tomatoes." "And you better bet your bottom dollar...  thatthesetwobrothersknow  how to handle business." "In:" "AlienInvasionTomato Monster Mexican Armada Brothers," "Who Are Just Regular Brothers, Running In a van from an Asteroid ... and All Sorts of Things..." "THE MOVIE!" "Holdon, there's more!" "Oldwomenarecoming,andthey'realsoin  the movie, and they're gonna come,  andcross...attack..." "these two brothers." "But let's get back to the brothers, because they're...they have a strong bond." "Youdon'twanttoknow aboutithere, but I'll tell you one thing:" "The moon...  ...itcomescrashingintoEarth." "And what do you do then?" "It'stwobrothersand ..." "and th-they're..." "It's called..." "Two brothers..." "Two brothers!" "It's just called Two Brothers." "Holy crap, I am winning a Nobel Prize." "Come on!" "Time's up!" "I'm taming a lion!" "No, wait, uh...there are film cameras." "I might be a lion-tamer in a movie." "You get the idea." "I work with lions." "Ooh, we're not playing Yahtzee, we're playing Chutes and Ladders." "It seems like when I exist, life gets a little more, I don't know...predictable?" "When two people create a life together, they set aside their previous lives as individuals." "Gimme a break!" "We're not heroes for having unprotected sex on prom night." "Oh, I get it." "Now that you know you could have had it better, you resent me for holding you back." "Now that we know you think the tables are turning, we know you thought there were unturned tables!" " What are you talking about?" " All this time, you've been thinking," ""What if that loser Jerry hadn't talked me out of the abortion?"" "Well now you know, you'd be a doctor." "Whoop-dee-doo." "You'd also be drinking wine, alone in a house full of exotic birds." "And I'd be on DiCaprio's yacht, banging Kristen Stewart!" "You thought about getting an abortion?" "Everyone thinks about it." "Obviously, I'm the version of me that didn't do it." " So...you're welcome." " Yeah, you're welcome." "Yeah, thank you guys SO much." "It's a real treat to be raised by parents that force themselves to be together instead of being happy." "Hey, do we have any wafer cookies?" "Oh, boy." "Looks like you guys have been checking out alternate lives and realizing you don't have it as good, huh?" "That's too bad." "You know, me and Morty are having a blast," "We just discovered a show called "Ball Fondlers."" "I mean, I don't want to rub it in or anything, but you guys clearly backed the wrong conceptual horse." "BALL Fondlers" " I'm in Heaven right now." " This might be the best day of my life." "So now what do we do?" "That show "Ball Fondlers" sounded kind of interesting." " Dad!" " What?" "They're having fun in there!" "What do you guys want from me?" "Every family on this block has to wonder if they're together by choice." "Our family just has inter-dimensional goggles to show us for a fact that we're not." " We'll I'm leaving!" " You can't leave, you're 17!" "Yeah, and I'm not pregnant." "I'm gonna have better judgment than you guys had at my age." "I'm gonna...move to the southwest and..." "I don't know, do something with turquoise." "It'sSaturdayNightLive!" "Starring apieceof toast!" "Two guys, with handle-bar mustaches!" "amanpaintedsilverwhomakes  robot noises!" "GarManarnar!" "three...uh...uh,uh ,uh , I'll get back to that one..." "Aholein thewall,where the men can see it all...  andreturning,forhis 25thconsecutive year:" "Bobby Moynihan!" "Interesting fun fact, uh, Moynihan and piece of toast hate each other." "Apparently they've got some real creative differences." "Hey, are you tired of real doors, cluttering up your house, where you open 'em, and they actually go somewhere And you go in another room?" "Getondownto" RealFake Doors"!" "That's us." "Fill a whole room up with 'em." "See?" "Watch,checkthisout!" "Won'topen." "Won't open." "Notthisone, not this one." "Socheckit outfor alotofreally great deals on fake doooooooors!" "Hey wait a minute, Rick." "I thought this was a commercial." "W-What's going on?" "I mean" "Relax, Morty." "Don't-Don't worry about it-- Let's just--just see where this goes." "Steponit ,we  all got places to be!" "Sonofabitch!" "See, that must be where he lives..." "OK." "Huh." "Making himself a sandwich now..." "Heyeverybody!" "So this is my house," "Ijustmadeasandwich, peanut butter and jelly," "Stillhere, still selling fake doors!" " What?" " Oh, my God!" "It's still the commercial!" "We have fake doors ..." "like you wouldn't believe!" "Whatareyouworriedabout?" "Come get fake doors." "Callusup ,andordersome  fake doors today." "Don'tevenhesitate, Don't even worry and don't even..." " All right, I'm bored." "Change it." " Wait wait, Rick!" "Hold on." "Evengiveit asecondthought." "That's our slogan." "Seeiton thebottomofthescreen , below our name." "Here'sanotherslogan, right below that one." "Whatareyouworriedabout?" "Come get fake doors" "Getinherequick, get out quicker," "Withanarmoffake  doors in you arms." "Okay, okay, you can change it." "Don'tevenworryaboutit..." "IhateMumunmunundsdays." "And I really could go for some enchiladas." "Hey Rick, that's pretty cool!" "It's just like Garfield, only instead, it's Gazorpazorpfield." "Hey, isn't Gazorpazorp where uh... where those Sex robots came from, remember?" " That whole thing?" " Yeah...hey, that's pretty, pretty...that's true." "That's right!" "Yeah." "Let's watch some more Gazorpazorpfield!" "HeyJon,it 'sme , Gazorpazorpfield." "Boy.[ BLEEP]you,Jon." "You [BLEEP] dumb, stupid, idiot." "Comeon,Gazorpazorpfield, go easy on me, huh?" "Youdumb,stupid,weak, pathetic, white, white... uh, uh...  ...Guilt,whiteguilt, milquetoast piece of human garbage." "Jeez,Gazorpazorpfield, thats, you know...  you'reprettymeantome, but that takes the cake." "I don't give a [BLEEP]!" "I'm Gazorpazorp-[BLEEP]-field, bitch!" "Nowgiveme my  [BLEEP] enchiladas!" "Hey, Rick, you know, did they use Bill Murray for this?" "Sounds a lot like Bill Murray." "No, Morty, it's Lorenzo Music." "In this reality, he's still alive." "Oh, okay, was his name Lorenzo Music?" "Yeah, I'm pretty sure." "He also did that voice of that one guy from Ghostbusters." "Which is really strange, because it's the same character Bill Murray played in the movie." "but then, when they made the movie ..." "Bill Murray did the voice of Gazorpazorp...or Garfield, I mean." "Yeah, that's pretty cool, Rick." "So all that happened in this reality too?" "I don't know." "Just making conversation with you, Morty." "What do you think?" "I-I-I-I know everything about everything?" "Did you really talk me out of the abortion?" "Well, we--we blew a tire on the way to the clinic." "I think, in my head, I was doing it all for the kids." "And now the first kid is going to... do something with turquoise." "What is either code for crystal meth, or a gateway to it." "So we didn't do the kids any favors." "So, we should stay together for each other and ourselves, or..." "Or?" "Man." "Woman." "And now trunk men?" "We know science has created men that have a trunk thatallowsthemtohave  sex with both male and female partners." "ButweDON'Tliketheidea of these people getting married." "Puta linein thesandeverybod-,people!" "Vote no on proposition XW2." "The act that says that gay--uh--trunk people can get married." "Who needs it?" "Notonmy watch!" "Paidforby MichaelDennys and The Denny Singers." "Hi,I 'ma trunkperson." "And Iwant--I-Ifeel love in my heart, too." "Just like you." "Iwantto be abletoexpress that love, with both a man and a woman." "AndI won'tbe ableto..." "IfDennyandThe DennySingers get their way." "Hey,letthetrunkpeople have sex and get married, huh?" "Paidforby ..." "Trunk People." "Oh,I loveme  Strawberry Smiggles!" "Ooh, I hope nobody ever gets my hands on me, and tries to steal my Strawberry Smiggles." "I'mgoingto eateverylast oneofthem, because--and then they'll be in my stomach,  and nobody will ever be able to eat them." "Except for me, because they're going to be all inside my stomach." "I'm--mynameis Mister..." "Top Hat Jones,  andGodforbidanyoneever take  my sniggy--little pig-dul--smiggles." "I'mkeeping'em all for me." "Lastbite." "Oh,nowtheyare all restingcomfortablyinmy stomach." "Ooh, am I feeling good." "No!" "Get away from me!" "Getawayfrommeand my Strawberry Smiggles!" "No!" "JesusChrist!" "Jesus Christ!" "Ithurts!" "My entrails are out!" "Whywouldyoueven want to eat these?" "They'resoakedwithmystomachacid!" "Oh, Jesus Christ!" "Lord and savior and spirit!" "Saveme!" "Take me to the light!" "Oh,myGod,Isee Demons!" "I see demons are coming!" "Jeez, Rick." "Oh my god!" "That's some pretty hardcore stuff, you know, for a cereal commercial." "Well, you know, Morty, I mean, You want to sell boxes of cereal, you gotta, you gotta, pump the gas a little." "Pedal to the metal, Morty." "Ina world,wheremuscularmannies, are coming, and they're coming strong,  there'sonlythree..." "unmuscular..." "Michaels." "Getdown!" "Hurry, run!" "Andthat'swhen...real...turbulentjuice is coming, and you gotta take care of it." "Withturbulent...juice, Turmulent...tables." "Noroomis safefromthe turbulent power of turbulent juice." " What in the hell?" " Sex sells, Morty." "Sex sells what?" "Was that a movie, or like, does it clean stuff?" "Hey, Dad." "W-w-what's going on?" "Oh, your mother and I are going to be spending some time apart, Morty." "And your sister found out she was an unwanted pregnancy." "W-w-w-what?" "Speaking of "w-w-what", Morty..." "W-w-what should we watch next?" "What about this?" "BabyLegs, you're a good detective...  butnotgoodenough, because of your baby legs." "SoI 'mpartneringyouup with Regular Legs." "Heythere." " Detective, I'm...  thisisupsettingto me, because I feel  likeI don'tneedno regular-leg partner." "BabyLegs, don't talk back to me." "Goodluckyoutwo ,there's a criminal to kill." "Wow,yousurefound this guy quick!" "Uh,yeah,becauseI'm  a good detective." "Look,BabyLegs, it's the criminal!" "[BLEEP],I 'mthekiller." "I'm running, running real quick..." "BabyLegs,herewego!" "That'sthesoundImake , when I'm trying to run fast." "Allright,I'mnot goingtogethim." "I'm, I-I just learned a real valuable lesson." "I'mcoming,BabyLegs!" "I'm..." "Regular Legs!" "Wegothim !" " Hey, that was good team work." "Baby Legs, and Regular Legs, I'm proud of you two for working together, because of the good cooperation." "AndBabyLegs,Iknow itwashard for you to come to the conclusion that you need a partner." "ButI'mproudofyouthatyoudidit." " Hey thanks, chief!" "Nowgetthe[BLEEP]outofhere!" "Pretty cool, huh, Morty?" "..." "Oh." "Uh, I thought it was cool." "I don't give a [BLEEP] what you think, Jerry." "Hey, uh..." "Y-Y-Y-You doin' okay?" "I-I-I kind of know how you feel, Summer." "No, you don't." "You're the little brother." "You're not the cause of your parents' misery." "You're just a symptom of it." " Can I show you something?" " Morty, no offense, but a drawing of me you made when you were 8 isn't gonna make make me feel like less of an accident." "That, out there?" "That's my grave." "Wait, what?" "On one of our adventures, Rick and I basically destroyed the whole world." "So we bailed on that reality, and we came to this one." "Because in this one, the world wasn't destroyed." "And in this one, we were dead" "So we came here, a-a-and we buried ourselves, and we took their place." "And every morning, Summer, I eat breakfast, 20 yards away from my own rotting corpse." "So, you're not my brother?" "I'm better than your brother." "I'm a version of your brother you can trust, when he says, "Don't run."" "Nobody exists on purpose, nobody belongs anywhere everybody's gonna die." "Come watch TV." "Mrs.Sullivanalwaysplanned to leave everything to her cats." "Butsometimes,plansneed a helping paw." "Whatarethekittiestodo , but buckle together and work as a team." "Mrs.Sullivan,I, uh--pleaseforgive me for being forward." "butyoureyesare sobeautiful!" "Wait, this is an actual movie?" "Thisfall...sparkswillfly!" "Mrs.--Oh--Sullivan..." "Betweenoneguy,who can 'tget abreak..." "There'ssomethingaboutyou ,Mrs.Sullivan... and9 catswho break all the rules." "LastWillandTesta-meow:" "Weekend at Dead Cat Lady's House 2." "Well, somebody in Hollywood just lost their job." "Writtenand directed by Jerry Smith." "I wrote AND directed that?" "What am I, nuts?" "Hey Morty, you just missed a preview for your Dad's "Citizen Kane."" "Doesn't matter." "Hey, if youre, uh, mother and I had to split custody..." " ..." "Who would you guys choose?" " Doesn't matter." "BreakingNews:" "AcademyAward-winningactor Jerry Smith is leading police on a slow-speed pursuit  aftersufferingan apparentbreakdown." " Don't even think about it." " Come ON, Jer" "Are you kidding me, Jerry?" "It's just a bunch of dumb tabloid crap." "It's my life, and we're watching it." "You did it, Beth." "You really nailed it." "You're a surgeon." "A human surgeon." "Yay...you win." "Where the hellam I going?" "What are you asking me for Jerry?" "I-I-I'm sitting here trying to figure out why the cops don't just take you out." "They got a clear shot to your head." "I can't believe our tax dollars pay for this." "Jerry?" "Jerry Smith?" "Beth Sanchez, I have been in love with you since high school." "I hate acting, I hate cocaine, I hate Kristen Stewart." "I wish you hadn't gotten that abortion, and I never stopped thinking about what might've been." "Hey, Ball Fondlers?" "Huh?" "Ball Fondlers?" " Yeah, I could go for some Ball Fondlers." " Yeah, Ball Fondlers." "Hu-he,Hamster-in-Butt-WorldWeather is done, and now it's sports time, coming up." "Oh,hellothere!" " Good day to you, Miss." "So the hamsters live inside the rectums of those people?" " Yeah, sweetie, that's where they live." " Well how does that work?" "I mean, do the butts look like little apartments inside?" "Yeah!" "And can they like, leave the butt, and walk around on their own?" "Look, I don't know!" "I'm watching the same thing you guys are." "Grandpa Rick, if they leave the butt, and the person wanders off..." "How would they find their butt person again?" "I don't know, Summer!" "I can't even hear the TV!" "All right, that's it." "We're just gonna go there, so you idiots can ask your stupid questions all day." "Ooh!" "Family vacation!"