"Comin' at ya like Cleopatra!" "Boomp, boomp, boomp!" "Flikka, flikka!" "Boomp, boomp, boomp!" "Flikka, flikka!" "Easy now." "Welcome to me vid'." "Me appreciate you buying this because me realise there is a lot of choice." "Personally, me would've bought Good Will Humping." "But whatever." "Me jus' wanna say me can't believe how many of you bought me video last year." "You shoulda jus' knicked it, innit?" "Anyways, this year I's made this a charity video." "You probably know about this but there 'as been a serious drought in Berkshire dis year, with it being almost impossible to get 'old of any good quality skunk." "Even young kids and pregnant mums is 'aving to go without." "Oh,... de inhumanity." "So for every 1 ,000 videos that is bought, we will make sure that a family can get monged for a week." "And for every 50,000 that is got, we will send out 200 kits so that people can make their own 'omegrown." "Let it not be said that I is a brother who does not care." "In fact, me 'eart is me second biggest organ." "Aye." "On this vid, you will see the phattest flavas from da series, plus nuff unseen rare groove stuff." "Joints that was never allowed to be on de telly, because of the white boys that rule Channel 4." "A lot of dis is uncut - just like me beast used to be, before me had its Tommy 'at removed, as a Valentine's present for me Julie." "So skin up a biftah and savour da flava." "Peace." "(Jet plane roars)" "(Whipcrack and wind howls)" "(Kung fu slapping)" "(Music plays in reverse)" "(Power tools rev and clatter)" "Aye." "(Whipcrack)" "(Heart monitor bleeps)" "These are the worst injuries I've seen in my career." " What happened to him?" " l don't know." "But they say he saved the world." "(Heartbeat)" "(Engine revs and tyres screech)" "(Bullet chambered in gun)" "(Slowed-down) Nooooooooooo!" "(Gunshot)" "(Gunshot)" "(Gunshot)" "(Car speeds off)" "Dis must be 'eaven." "And you must be Jah." "Big up, yourself." "Can I come in, please?" "(Bass) We've already got Tupac and Biggie." "Heaven's not ready for another angel." "Go back to Earth, Ali." "Your work there is not yet done." "Nuff said." "While I is up here, I couldn't get an extra couple of inches, could I?" "No." "Eleven is enough for any man." " (Monitor flatlines)" " Hold on." " (Monitor stops) - lt just moved." "(Monitor beeps)" "(Monitor segues into funky beat)" "(Raps) $ Ah, c'mon and just throw your hands in the air" "$ And don't you walk like you just don't care" "$ And if you're ready to rock and raise the roof downtown" " $ So everybody say "Oh yeah!" - $ Oh yeah!" " $ Oh yeah!" " $ Oh yeah!" "$ And you don't stop Uh!" "uh!" "$ Push 'em up, put your hands up C'mon, raise the roof!" " $ Roof - $ Push it up, push it up!" " $ C'mon!" " $ Push it up, push it up!" " $ Raise the roof - $ Push it up, push it up" " $ Roof, roof - $ Push it up, push it up!" " $ Raise the roof - $ Push it up, push it up!" " $ Roof, roof - $ C'mon!" "Push it up, push it up!" " $ Raise the roof." "Say what?" " $ Push it up, push it up" " $ Roof, roof!" "Kid, dance!" " $ Push it up, push it up!" "(Cheering and applause)" "We is gonna be talking about the drug ting." "Let's start from over 'ere." " That's Moroccan Black, innit?" " Yes." "Have to be a stiff if you didn't know that." "'Ow much would dis cost you on the street?" " About 60, 70 pounds." " You'd be gettin' ripped off." " l can get it cheaper." " OK." "So what is the names for it?" "We all know it's called da bionic, da bomb, da puff, da herb, da sensi, da chronic, da sweet mary jane, da shit, da bomb, da ganja, da reefer, da bud, da buddha," "the 'omegrown, the ill, the Mauimaui, the method, the pot, the shake, the skunk, the whacky - but is there other terms that parents should be aware of?" "Puff, blow..." "Lots of names." "Draw." "And what is its effects?" "Er... you can go paranoid - you think people or things are coming at you." " Aye." " lt makes your heart race." "Your blood pressure can go low so you feel woozy." "It's got a lot of effects on the body." "is there any negative effects?" "Those are negative." "Long term, there are negative effects." "So to start, would you recommend this as a good first smoke?" " l wouldn't recommend it, no." " So, so far,..." " ..this stuff is all legal?" " No, it's not." "No, but if you 'as got it in your 'ome, then that is cool, innit?" "No. lt's all illegal. it's all against the law." "But if it was for personal use, it is legal if you 'as got half a kilo or something." " l wouldn't like to try that on." " What if it's your religion?" "Then you have to convince the court it's your religion." "Say someone don't look like a Rasta, but they 'as got Bob Marley records, and one of those hats with dreads attached to it." "Do you fink that would get them off in a court?" " Don't think so." " And which drugs is class A?" "Class A drugs are mainly the heroin and cocaine type of drugs." "Does class A guarantee that they is better quality?" "No." "Nothing to do with quality." "You can have total crap." "OK." "So what is these?" "Erm... chemical name is 3-4 methylene-dioxymethamphetamine, which is why people call it Ecstasy." "Ain't the most worrying thing about this, though, that it actually make you enjoy 'ouse music?" "Yeah." "You enjoy music, yeah." "is there a chemical inside it that make you dance like a bell end?" " Yep. lt makes you dance." " What is that chemical called?" "It's the Ecstasy, the chemical itself." "How many Es can you take in one night and still be safe, if you 'as to do it?" "Er... some people can take, er... two or three Es, and no problems." "I 'as never taken any drugs, and you can test me piss, but I 'as got a mate called Dangerous Dave." "I ain't gonna say 'is family name, obviously." "But 'e say that he 'as taken 22 Es in one night." "Did he have a headache?" "He said, y'know, he found it difficult to get to sleep." "But next day, he was really buzzing', and the people on the Egham to Ruislip bus said he drove it better than he ever done before." "Do you think it can actually help you?" "It wouldn't help you to drive a bus." "Do you think it's ever right to give animals an E?" "Well, if you want to know more about a substance, I'd rather you gave it to a rabbit or a rat rather than taking it yourself and testing it on yourself." "What if they look sad?" "is it right to give your animal an E then?" "I don't think it would help." "Because me mate Jezzie F once fed one to 'is dog." "It went mental, started barking and tried to bone the cat." " ls that kind of fing possible?" " lt's quite possible, yeah." "Don't forget, one tablet is a lot for a dog." "For real." "Which is the acid that actually make you fly?" " No acid makes you fly." " But..." "Acid can make you think you fly." "Cos me mate Dave said he took dis type and he flew all around the room." "And his mum told him to get some ciggies from the shop, and he flew there down Egham High Street and flew back, and was back in like five seconds." "But he'd forgotten the ciggies." "That's the answer, isn't it?" "You think things are happening to you, that you can fly, but your feet never leave the ground." "And if you're not careful, you might trip up and hurt yourself." "So, wiv the whole thing 'ere, what is the lesson, the real lesson that people out there need to know?" "Substances - chemicals, drugs - affect the way your body works." " For real." " Your body is beautifully constructed." " Thank you." " lt works very, very well." "If you take any of these things, you run a big risk of making it work not so well." "Peace!" "Over 1 5 murders 'appen in the US every second." "That is a well scary percentage." "And when the coppers can't handle it, they call in the FB Aye." "$ Ali in the FB." "Ali in the FB Bo!" "$ Ali in the FB." "Ali in the FB Bo!" "So what actually is the FB?" " The fbi is..." " Aye." "The Federal Bureau of lnvestigation is 80 years old." "It was created in the early part of this century." "What is inteckoration?" "lnterrogation really means questioning a suspect." "When I need to find some info from Little Rick or whatever, I take 'is head, put it down and - 'scuse me French - l do a guff on his head." "Then he will speak." "Do you fink you could use something like that?" "When we're trying to interrogate a suspect, we use a certain amount of psychological pressure." "If that failed, would you not consider guffing on 'is head?" "No." "I'm not saying it doesn't happen." "I seen... lt doesn't happen as often as the movies would make you think." "I might suspect you're engaging in criminal activity." " 'Ow would you know?" " One of my informants tells me." " They tell me..." " What, from Berkshire police?" "Or someone on the street that I know tells me you're selling drugs out of your flat." " That ain't true." " No. lf your friend tells me..." " Who?" " Just pretend..." "For example." "If your friend tells me that you're selling drugs,..." " ..and then another one..." " Was it Dave?" "then we can take that information and go to a judge, and say "We have reason to believe Ali is selling drugs."" "I ain't." "Who 'as been grassing' me up?" "So do you do stuff wiv the Mafia?" "Yeah, we, uh... organised crime, we refer to it as." "A more day-to-day kind of crime that the Mafia is famous for is stealing shipments of merchandise." "For real." "So if you and I hijack a truck of Tommy Hilfiger sportswear..." " Aye." " ..and sell it on the street..." "Why is you talkin' about this on camera?" " You know we is bein' filmed." " Sure. it happens all the time." "This stuff goes on all the time." "You and I make $25,000 apiece." "D'you want to talk about dis after?" "No, this is just an example to make a point." " What is third-degree murder?" " lf l walk into my house, and I find you there, erm..." "in bed with my wife..." "That ain't never gonna 'appen." "I swear to you today." "I mean, I don't know what your wife look like, but I swear." " Again, hypothetical." " Even if you was my worst enemy." "I'm so angry when I see this that I take my gun out and shoot you, and then my wife." " Well, I'll shoot you first." " l'm faster than you are." " l's busy boning' your missus." " l have a gun and you don't." "That's murder. I have no legal right to murder you." "Just cos l is slippin' one in." "Check dis." "We is now in 'Ogan's Alley, which is part of the FB training thing, innit?" " This is the fbi's..." " Aye." "..training complex, opened in 1 987." " lnstructors will teach you..." " 'Ow would we go in 'ere?" " Then kick in the fucker." " You can't kick the door in." "You are an employee of the fbi." "That's in the movies!" "Let's say I get someone 'ere, say "Get down there", and then I still got another, and then..." "And it's a bog. lt's a bog in 'ere!" "Someone'll shoot you in the back." "Dis is not a real person." "I'll just punch him in the face." "Hey, what you lookin' at?" "What you lookin' at?" "Shut up." "Shut up." "Take that look off your face." "(Instructorspeaksto class)" "What is your job?" "I'm in charge of all the criminal investigations." "I know you ain't supposed to talk about it, but everyone wants to know - what is Studio 54?" "It's a, er... a nightclub in New York City." "But what's in the basement, if you know what I sayin'?" "I don't know what you're..." "You know." "Long bodies, massive eyes, tiny nose, y'know, er..." "dong done in a knot." "Y'know, big long fingers." "is this from The X-Files?" "(Sings Close Encounters theme)" "Do you ever get calls about aliens and all that?" "I've never gotten one." "Because me mate Ricky C, he was comin' back from the Staines station, goin' past the Helmsley Centre, and he felt this thing grab 'im and - 'scuse me French - go up his exit hole." "The next day he found himself in this trolley at the back, y'know, near the buses." " How do you explain that?" " l don't." "I don't know anything about it." "I'm sorry." "Young people - if they wanna join the FB, what should they do?" "They should stay away from drugs, go to college, and they should study hard." "And if they've got none of those three, they got a chance?" "(Cheering and applause)" "When you 'ear "magician", you probably think of a pervy old bloke who's always touching up his much younger assistant." "Luckily, me next guest ain't nuffing like that." "So big it up for Paul Daniels!" "We meet Paul Daniels" "We meet Paul Daniels We meet Paul Daniels" "We meet Paul Daniels We meet Paul Daniels - hey. hey!" "(Whistling and cheering)" "(Laughter)" "Respec'." "(Laughter)" "Me am so delighted to be on dis show,..." " .." "I can't tell you, man." " What the fuck is you doin'?" " (Laughter) - l'm, er..." "Now, you took the words right out of my mouth, I tell ya." "You is in the Magic Circle." "What is that?" "Ooh, formed a long time ago." "It's a club for guys, and now women, thank God, who are interested in magic." "20 years ago, did you used to let women in?" " No. lt was fairly recent." " Ain't that hypocriticalist?" "I bet your missus lets you in her magic circle, aye?" "(Laughter and applause)" "According to one press report, three times a night, but I don't believe it." "I tell you what, when I was a kid watching' your show, I personally felt some of da magic." "I would see that Debbie Magee and me beast would start levitating." "(Laughter)" "Yeah - me, too, which is why I married her." "I can't see." "Oh, there you are!" "Right." " Right." "Can you do any trick?" " Within reason." "Cos me mate Ricky C, he 'as got this amazing trick where he put his beast between his legs, and he pretend to be a girl." "And him well fat and he go like that and everyfing." "You see him and he look quite fit, and he goin' "l's a lady!"" "Until he turn round and then you see his, like, balls, and then... you feel bad." "Can you do dat?" "I can't think why I would ever want to." "No, I would not do that." "Maybe if Debbie wants a bit of a change or whatever." "Y'know?" ""l want a bit of lady tonight." And you go "Aye, I is a lady."" ""Debbie, cheeky-cheeky-cheeky."" "Yeah..." "I know Debbie rather well, and I can't imagine she would want that bit of a change." " This is me best trick, a'ight?" " This is a good one." "Aye." "Check dis." " A'ight?" " Right, I'm checkin' it." "Debbie Magee!" "Whoo!" "Debbie Magee!" "(Applause and cheering) I really... no, I'm sorry." "I really object to this." "I really object to this cos you've stolen my act." "Just in theory, Mr Daniels, could you change somefin' that weighs, let's say, an eighth of an ounce into a quarter of an ounce of somefing?" "You have obviously something in mind." "But I ain't gonna tell you what that somefin' is, unless you pay me somefin' to get that somefin'." "Then my quarter of an ounce of something would only weigh an eighth of an ounce of something, cos l'd have paid you my something to find out what your something was." " You is well clever." " (Laughter)" " Lot a lot!" "Lot a lot!" "A'ight?" " Go up. "Not a lot!"" "I reckon you is the world's greatest magician." "No, that's David Copperfield, innit?" "Who is better?" "David does his scene, I do mine." "I work for comedy, he works for drama." "And that's it." "How come he got Schiffer and you only get Magee?" "Well, because he didn't get Schiffer." "She's gone." "Do you fink dat relationship was real?" "Or do you reckon he prefers to take it up the Schiffer?" "(Laughter and applause)" " l've never gone into that." " That is what I 'as heard." "(Funky beats and whipcracks)" "Me say "Bo selecta!"" "After me five minutes' free view on the Fantasy Channel, me feel relaxed enough to flick around satellite stations." "Me saw this geezer Borat on Kazakhstani Television, where he does a guide to Britain." "Check it." "I am here now with Lady Chelsea, to learn how to be real gentleman." " OK." " lt's very nice to meet you." "(Both chuckle)" " (Chuckles) Very nice." " l'll do my best." "How can you tell if someone is polite when you meet them?" "You don't, really." "It's the way they say hello..." " ..and shake your hand." " Yes." "is the way I dress nice?" "is it OK?" "It's not a typically English way to dress." " And my shoe is good?" " Yes, that's... lt is from Shoe Express in Oxford Street." " Yes?" " Yes, that's fine." "Black, yes." " We will eat at dinner soon." " Lunch." " Charlotte, this is Borat." " How do you do?" "How do you do?" " How do you do?" "How do you do?" " Excellent." "So we have a toast, all right?" "To Jenny." " To Jenny and to television." " To Jenny... to television." " And to Kazakhstan." " And to Kazakhstan." " And to viewers in Kazakhstan." " Thank you." "Thank you." "(Chuckles) Thank you." "(Laughter)" " Mmmmm. lt's nice!" " Oh." " lt's nice!" " Do you have wine in Kazakhstan?" "If somebody gives you a nice white wine, you should sip it." " lmagine you're making love." " To make love?" "To have...?" "You don't do it too quickly." "Don't make love too quickly." "Otherwise it's over too quickly." "Ah, yes." "I like to last a long time!" " That's perfect." "Perfect." " Very good." "Very good." "And, er..." "what subject do we talk about?" "Erm... anything, really." "It depends who starts it." "You could start off by... ..what would you say?" "Anything that comes into your head." "Mm. it is very nice." " My wife, she is dead." " (Audience laughs)" "Why?" "What happened?" "What happened?" "She, er... die, in, erm... in a field." " How?" " Doing what?" "She die from, erm... work." "But with accident. ls not important. I have a new wife." "is it OK to talk about what I did last night?" "Nnnn...yes, as long as you don't go into lots of details." "Yes, if you say "l went to see a film."" " Last night I have sex." " (Audience laughs) I told you you shouldn't mention what you did last night." " No!" "Never mention." " You said I can say what I did." " You can say..." " "l had a lovely time."" "But it was nice!" "She was lovely." "And, erm..." "how do I say, erm... I do not want to be rude - what if I need to do a toilet?" " Say "Excuse me for a while." - "Excuse me for a while."" "Please excuse me." "I will go for a minute." " OK." " Good." " Please excuse me." " Certainly." " Here he comes." " Thank you." " OK." " Sorry." "Would you like more potatoes and peas?" "We have a pudding next." " Er..." " D'you want a lovely dessert?" " Sweet?" "For afterwards?" " Yes, a dessert." "Thank you. I had a good shit." "(Audience cracks up)" "(Guests titter nervously)" "You don't say that." "When the Chinese have a good meal, they do a huge amount of horrendous gurgling and burping." "What do..." "what is... what is "gherking"?" " When you go "Burp"." " (Borat lets fly huge burp)" " High five!" "High five." " Goodness gracious." " You do one, uh?" " No, I can't do it." " (Borat burps)" " Oh, God!" "That is outrageous." "Thank you. (Mumbles)" "You are chicken?" "Oooh-hahhh!" "You have a nose... a big nose." "Er... it was very nice..." "to have met you." " Very good." " To have met you." " Thank you." "Thank you." "Goodbye." " Correct." "Goodbye." "Fink about dis." "Almost everyone in the 'ole world was once a child." "Even I used to be a kid." "Though I matured so fast that by 1 7, I hactually had pubes." "By the time me was 21 , me had so many that I put them in dreads." "In case you was wonderin', I 'as now got them beaded." " But anyways, I digest." " (Laughter) lt ain't easy bein' a kid." "But it is easy bein' a coward." "That is why I set up the Ali G Foundation to reward children who 'as done amazing' fings against all de odds." "So tonight is our first Kids Wiv Courage Awards." "(Applause and cheering)" "First up is Darren Spencer." "Easy now, Darren. 'Ow old is you?" " l'm 1 2." " You 'as been very brave, innit?" " His mother was ill in hospital." " Yeah, that's right." "Darren was left alone at home looking after his baby brother." " That's right, Ali." " Darren showed he was grown-up by leaving' de house, seeing his neighbour's 7 Series BMW and hot-wiring it." "But 'is bravery didn't stop there." "He then drove it up the M6 at 1 1 0 miles per hour in the wrong direction." "You is one special kid." "What 'appened next?" " l crashed it." " You is bein' very modest." "You didn't just crash it." "Cos Darren rolled it four times, got out, looked around and then pissed in the front seat before having the good sense to torch it." " Ain't that right?" " Yep." " Respect." " (Cheering and applause)" "(Applause)" "You is a great example to young children." "Let me give you da first Children of Courage award." "(Cheering and whistling)" "Second up, we have Warren Spedding." "Now dis is serious." "You is a real disablist, you ain't just mucking' around." "That's right, I am." "But he ain't never let his disability..." " ..stop him leading' a normal life." " l've tried not to." "Because despite being in a wheelchair," "Warren managed to go to his local Richer Sounds and nick a pair of 40in Wharfedale speakers." "And that is an extra-special achievement, cos a lot of these shops don't have proper access for wheelchair thieves." " Anyways, congratulations." " (Cheering and applause)" "Little fella, you rescued your nan from a burning building." " No." " So what's your achievement?" "I'm goin' out with Claudia Schiffer." " Oh, yeah(?" ") Jimmy Hill!" " l got engaged to her last week." "Well, that's nuffink." "I 'as done it with Kate Moss." " What?" "lllegibly. lllegibly." " (Laughter)" " Now, don't try..." " (Laughter)" "Don't try any of dis at home, cos all these kids, apart from the little virgin, is convicted young offenders." "Please give it up for the Kids of Courage." "(Whooping and cheering)" "(Kung fu crunching)" "Now we is lucky enough to 'ave one of the brightest young fings to hit our TV screens." "She's one of the most fascinating young woman in Britain today and a role model for girls for the new millennemium." "Brothers and sistas - nuff said!" "Gail Porter!" "(Wolf-whistling)" "(Wolf-whistles)" " Hi." " Hello." " How are you?" " A'ight." " (Ali makes happy noise)" " Do I call you Ali or Mr G?" " Yeah, whatever." " (Laughter)" "Got a first question." "Me mate Dave says he 'as shagged you. ls that true?" " l didn't go out with him." " How did you get into da telly?" "I worked behind the scenes for a bit." "Made coffee and tea." " Me heard you got an HND." " Yeah." "'As you been to the clinic to sort it out?" "(Laughter) I've got very effective cream, thank you." " The rash is gone." " Aye." "That is nice." "Although wiv the rash, would be nice, too." "(Laughter)" "(Laughter)" "So what is your ambitions and all dat?" "I'm just going to make lots of money and be very famous and get a house in New York." " You is so fit." " (Laughter)" " 'As you been to Berkshire?" " l've been to Newport Pagnell." "You should come to Berkshire." "They 'ave a dry-slope skiing thing at Bracknell." " Do you live there?" " l live close." "It's a bit bright in 'ere." "Do you mind if I turn down the lights a little bit?" " No, not at all." " There." "(Sucks in breath) lt's a bit cold in 'ere, innit?" "Do you mi..." "do you wanna sit a bit closer?" "I'm quite comfy." "D'you want to sit over here?" " Yeah." " Nice." " My mum's watching." "Yeah. lf this goes well, you lot can fuck off out there." "(Applause)" " You've got nice big eyes." " Thanks." "So have you." " Can I touch dem?" " lf you wa... (Giggles)" " Can I 'old your hand?" " lf you want." "(Laughter)" " $ Every breaf you take - (Shrieks of laughter)" "$ Every move you make" "$ Every breaf you take" "$ Every move you make" " ls this clean?" " Yeah." "I've just been to the toilet, but I've just washed them." "is that the Puff Daddy or the Sting version?" "That's Puff Daddy, obviously." "I ain't a batty boy." " OK." " (Laughter)" "$ l'll be watchin' you" " $ Oh, can't you see - (Laughter)" "$ You belong to me" "$ A-ba-doo-don-down" " (Laughter) - $ Every breaf you take" " So, yes or no?" " All right." " Oh, really?" " Yeah." "Wicked. I'll finish up the rest of the show." " Fank you very much, Gail Porter!" " (Cheering and applause)" "A-A-A Ali G!" "Listen." "Gail may have taken her clothes off, but she's never 'ad a midget munch on her kebab." "(Laughter)" "Have you?" "Have you?" "!" "So in order to meet girls like that while I was in Cannes, I got lost and accidentally found meself in the porno festival." "Love is the most beautiful and natural thing that 'appens in the world." "So what is wrong with seeing on a video what 'appens between a man and a woman and a 'orse?" "That is why I 'as come to the Cannes Porn Festival to speak about the pros and cons of pornography and also to talk to some ladies that 'as had more knobs in them than anyone." "Respec'." "$ Ali in-a porno Ali in-a porno" "$ Ali in-a porno Ali in-a porno" "# Ali in-a punani Ali in-a punani..." "Bo!" "$ Ali in-a punani Ali in-a punani... $" "Now, it ain't every day you get to meet someone you 'as had over 300 masturbations over." "I is gonna chill with the most famous porn star Jenna Jameson." "is there anyfing that you wouldn't do?" "Erm..." "Well, I haven't done anal yet." " You're joking." " l am not joking." " l haven't done it yet, but..." " Not even wiv your boyfriend?" " Of course with my boyfriend." " Aye." "For real." "If a girl don't do dat..." " ..she don't care for you." " Yeah, exactly." "Now, dem is real bosoms." "Have a look at 'em." "Can we see the muff, please?" "Can we 'ave the punani, please?" "Jewel, can you masturbate?" "Jewel, can you masturbate?" "So, does you do up the bum?" " Up?" " Up-a da bum-eh." " Oh, mon Dieu..." " ln the bottom." "Do you 'ave sex... 'Ello!" "What was that cheeky fing that popped out of?" "'Ello." "Nice to meet you." "Ciao." "And what is your name?" "'Ello..." "Don't show dat to me Julie." "Man, I ain't never gonna wash my face again." "Can I 'ave a look at your boobs as well, please?" "Yeah." "Can I have a look?" "Fanks a lot." "It's a shame normal life ain't like dis in England." "In England, you have to take a girl to da movies, buy her dinner, do everything before you get to see her boobs." "In France, you just say" ""Can I have a look at your boobs and your muff?"" "'Ey, come on, show a bit of respec', man." "'Ey, come on." "Cheeky little..." "Check dis out." "There's a midget licking someone's muff." "And there is people around." "Me 'as seen a lotta naked ladies today, and me is feelin' well horny." "The only way to let it out is by organising' a gangbang." "'Opefully I'm gonna get down 1 ,000 ladies onto the beach to be knobbed by me." "Me Julie will never find out because she is over 5,000 miles away in Berkshire." "Six o'clock." "We is providing the connies." "No panties required." "And if you come lubed up to da max, we'd appreciate that." " We'll hang onto this." " Thanks a lot." "If you just come wivout your friend. 'Preciate dat." "OK." "You fink maybe you'll be there?" "It'll be lovely to see you." " Maybe." " l'd love to bang you." "Thanks." "Yo, it's... over here!" "It's over here!" "Sorry, no animals." "(Laughter)" "There is a lot of premieres goin' on in Cannes tonight, and da Travolta party and all dat." "So..." "I guess I is gonna call it a day." "Wait a sec." "Who be these cheeky young things?" "There is a whole coachload here of girls who 'as come special for the Ali gangbang. 'Ere." "'As you all come for the knobbin' on the beach?" "(Girls) Yes!" "Yes!" "Yes!" "Yes!" "You don't mind me just knobbin' all the girls?" "Well, the trouble is we don't have really half an hour." "Well, I could probably knob about 20 of them in 1 5 minutes." " What do you mean by "knobbing"?" " Y'know, to break them in." " C'mon, please, missus." " Show us." "Just pick one first." "The trouble is, we don't know what "knobbing" means." "Knobbing is like, to..." "Y'know, to..." "When a man love a woman..." " ..you know, they knob." " l don't think we can do that." " Are you sure?" " Sorry for the trouble." " Not even you?" " Bye-bye." "No, of course not!" "Always the same." "They tease you, take you up to the right last minute, then they bugger off." "That is woman." "That is the mystery of woman." "I still love them." "'Avin' got to know Mo a bit, I is feelin' his injustice." "I is gonna try and help 'im out to get a British passport." "Now, as far as I can see, your inability to rap is your main hobstacle to gettin' a passport." "So let's sort it out, right here, right now." "Me and you is gonna be a pair rappers." "Like I is Snoop, you is Dr Dre, I is Chuck D, you is Flava Flav, I is the Method Man, you is the Ol' Dirty Bastard." "You are the dirty bastard, not me." " DJ!" "Gimme the beat!" " $ Hit it" "$ Na. na-na-na-na. na-na-na-na na-na-na na-na-na" "$ Na-na-na-na" "$ Here come the shopkeeper" "$ Mohamed" "$ Here come the shopkeeper" "$ Mohamed" "$ 'lm the libel-case winner" "$ Al Fayed" "$ 'lm got the nice face" "$ Al Fayed" "$ Na na-na-na, na na-na-na" "$ Na na-na, na na-na" "$ 'ls name is Mohamed" "$ Al Fayed" "$ He got a big winkie" "$ Al Fayed" "$ Na, na, na-na-na ninkie" "$ Al Fayed" "$ He got a nice face" "$ Al Fayed" "Now, Mohamed, cos we is good mates now, next time I go into 'Arrods and I see something that I like I got one question - can I nick it?" "$ You can't nick it" "$ Can I nick it?" "$ But for you is OK" "$ Can I nick it?" "$ Yes, OK" "Good." "Cos I was gonna do it anyway." "Go, Mo, yo." "Go, Mo, yo" "Go, Mo." "Go." "Slo-mo." "Freestyle!" "Hey!" "$ Dah-da-da-da, da-da dah!" "$ Da ra-ra-ra Yes, yes, yes, yes." "$ Al Fayed, Mohamed, Ali!" "$ l am Mohamed and you are Ali" "$ That's true, Mohamed" "$ Ali!" "$ Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!" "$ Dan dan-dan-dan, dan, duh!" "$ Shake your batty, shake your batty, shake your batty" "$ Shake your body-bee, shake your body-bee, hey, hey, hey, hey!" "$ Bab, bah, bah, bo Shaky, shaky bee" "$ Hey, hey, hey, Mohamed Ali!" "$ Mohamed..." "Big him up!" "This man is the greatest Egyptian rapper!" "Bo!" "If you don't give him a passport, at least give him a recording contract!" "Yekshemesh." "Every Englishman must have a hobby." "Some like to collect the stamp, some to make the jam." "But the most fun is to kill a little animal with a shotgun or rip him up with a wild dog." "This why I come to the countryside to find out about English hobbies." "Chenkuye." " Hello." "You are here on a hunt?" " Yes." "Yes, I am, indeed." "And you are..." "Why do you not have a horse?" "I can't afford one, quite honestly." " Why not?" " l'm, ah, retired now..." " You are a retard?" " Yes." "Like a mongoloid?" " So you hunt a lot?" " l hunt a lot, yes." " You are real man." " Oh, yes, I am, yes." "We say a man who do not hunt, in Kazakhstan, is like a man with no..." "how you say?" " No bollocks, I suppose." " Yes." "Balls." "I shouldn't say that." " You have big bollocks?" " Yes, probably." " You have big bollocks?" " No, I don't think so." " Can I touch them?" " No." " Why not?" " lt's private." " You are English policeman." " l am, yes." " Hello." " Hello." "Do you believe in the hunt, or...?" " l have to remain impartial." " Yes." "Because you are English policeman." "The greatest police in the force." "They say "Everything's cricket" in England." "What do..." "Everything is cricket?" " This is, er... cricket?" " No, no. lt's just a saying." " They play...?" " Cricket." "Yes, cricket." " Cricket is a gentleman's sport." " Yes." "And everyone has the right to be gentlemanly in England." "They play cricket today?" "No, no, no." "I'm confusing you now." "Forget the cricket side of things. lt's just a saying." "And people that protest against the cricket..." "Forget the cricket!" "It's purely a saying." "Yes." "Yes." "You just said cricket." "I just said it." "Forget that." "Nothing to do with hunting." "OK." "So why did you say this?" "Why do you like to hunt the fox?" "I do not hunt the fox." "I think people that hunt the fox are the scum of the earth!" "(Shouting and air horns)" " ln Kazakhstan..." " You kill bears!" " Yes." "Often." " He kills bears!" "You kill..." "That's evil!" "No, we shoot animal." "We do not hunt the fox." "You shouldn't be talking to us, cos we love animals." " That's why we're here." " We love animal, too." " Why do you shoot them?" " l... for fun." "You evil bastard!" "Piss off!" "You've got no bloody brains!" "Piss off!" " l do not kill fox." " But you kill bears." " There is no more bear." " No, cos you killed them all!" " ln Kazakhstan, we love animal." " Good for you." "Most popular programme on television is animal programme." "is called Dancing Dog And Cat." "They dress the dog like Family Royal, like Prince Elizabeth, with a crown, and they dance..." " Do they treat that animal well?" " Yes, very well." "They give it food, and they... all they have... ..the floor is a bit hot, so they jump." "It is great." "We love in Kazakhstan to kill animal, to hunt." " ls so much fun!" " lt is much fun." "It is a great feeling when you kill an animal." "It is. lt is. lt is." "It... it make you feel, er..." "like a real man." "It does." "It makes you feel big." "We like to, er..." "shoot a dog in Kazakhstan." " You shoot dogs?" "Do you?" " Yes." " Well, we rather like them." " Why you like them?" "In Kazakhstan, they say the thing is cursed." " Thank you very much." " OK." "Bye-bye." "Bye-bye." "Have a... have a good journey." " Thank you." " You're very welcome." " (Cheering and laughter) I has rights." "You have rights." "Even animals... has rights." "(Laughter)" "So earlier I got in two professors, an animal-rights activist and a woman wiv a hedgehog to ask them some questions." "We 'ave an animal 'ere in de studio." "Shall we get it out?" "What the fuck is that, man?" " What is that?" " lt's a hedgehog." "A little wild creature." "When they're afraid, they go into a ball." " That's wicked." "That's cool." " You like that now." "But, like - after about five minutes after dey done dat,..." " ..why would you keep them?" " They're part of our heritage." "You're asking this as though the value of that animal..." " Aye." " ..or a flower, or anything, could only consist in, could only be its value to you." " OK." " Oh, that's funny, I'm getting a laugh out of that, or it makes a good football." "That would make a good football." " But the..." " (Ali) But that is illegal." " Yes, it is." " lt took a long time." "What if a kid is poor and can't buy a good-quality football?" "It's only been in the last three or four years that it's been illegal for a child to kick a hedgehog, because "Hell, I like kicking hedgehogs."" "I'm not talking about anyone - "Boof!" - but 'eaders and volleys." "They're little mammals." "To that extent, they would feel pain." "People who teach their pets special fings - is that wrong?" "Because me got this mate Dave, 'im teach his pet to go "Wicked!"" "when he slap it." "It is amazing thing to do." "The pet can go "Wicked!" This little dog." "Michael, don't dis guy,... dis dog that has a little jab with the fork or whatever - ain't it enjoying that?" "I don't know what you mean by "little jab with a fork"." " Now, that rather worries me." " Yes." "It don't hurt or bleed or anyfing." "And I ain't never done it." "Just a pinprick, as they say in the laboratory(!" ")" "is it wrong to do experiments on animals in your own home?" "I'd have to say it's wrong and unscientific." "Cos we did a fing years ago, wiv dis mouse in dis microwave to do a nuclear test, to see if it could... y'know, survive the nuclear fing and it did survive." "It came out, it was hot, but it was still alive." " ls dat wrong?" " That's appalling." " lt's fiendish." " So, Mikey,..." " ..'as you ever eaten de meat?" " Oh, no!" "I couldn't." "What 'appen if you 'ad, like, Big Mac 'ere,..." " ..really nice..." " Did you say Big Mac?" " Aye." " l'd go straight out that door." " Why?" " l've never set foot in McDonalds." "What 'appen if there was the best meat and the best... lf you don't like Big Mac, the best Chicken McNugget." "Chicken McNugget?" "You mean that bogus Colonel?" " No." " Colonel." "Kentucky." " What if it was free?" " That makes no difference..." " Yes or no?" " Well, of course not!" "What if someone pays you a hundred squid?" "I wouldn't!" "What if they say "'Ere's a chicken, you eat this or we kill another chicken"?" "That chicken's going to be killed anyway for you to eat." "Ali, you just asked a question which was the hardest question the toughest moral philosopher at university asked us." " Wicked." "Ali in da house!" " (Applause)" "What is space and why is it so important?" "To find out, I as come to Cape Canaveral, which is almost as good as the Notting Hill Canaveral even though they got less brothers." "I do it now." "Wicked!" "I is 'ere with Rick Seaforce." "Him is a NASA astronaut, went on da space shuttle a few time, and was hactually da commander of de space shuttle." "He is gonna tell us about space, cos it ain't only da earth that is out there." "There's also something outside it called space, innit?" "Absolutely, Ali." "What's the longest you 'as been in space?" "My longest mission was my last one - 1 6 days, on board the shuttle." " 1 6 days?" "!" " Mm-hm." "'Ow did you hold your breath for dat long?" "You don't need to hold your breath." "It's a pressurised cabin, just like an airplane." "What is a planet?" "A planet is - well, we live on a planet." "Earth is one." "It's round, it's pretty large." "But it's small compared to a star like the sun." " Aye." " And a million earths... ..could fit inside the sun." "That's how big it is." " The sun is bigger than Earth?" " Oh, yes." "Much bigger." " But it's about..." " Of course, it's so far away." " So da sun ain't that small?" " No, no. lt's huge, really." "It's just so far away." " lt's much bigger than dat?" " Yes." " What about... drinking?" " Mm-hm." "Did it feel strange drinking' your own wee?" " Uh..." "I'm not sure..." " Your own..." "Oh." "Urine." "We don't do that on the space shuttle." "Because 'owever good it is, it can never taste like a real apple Tango." "I don't know, I've never tried it." "I 'as once, but it's rubbish." "It's a waste of time." "'Ow did you get on wiv de other drivers?" "We got on great." "I had just a great crew." "What was the most annoying thing the other drivers did?" "Did any of them go "Dedededede" for like all the whole time?" " No-one did any of that." " Neenyanonaneenyanono." "That would be irritating after a while." "What would you do if somebody did go "Neenyeenono"?" "Well, as the boss man and commander, I would pull them aside, just that person and me, and say "l know you might like doing what you're doing, but it's bothering the rest of us and it's hard to work."" " Would you ever chuck 'im out?" " Not outside the shuttle." "It's not worth killing somebody over." "That wouldn't happen." "Does you ever 'ave any student from England?" "There's been one lady from England who flew on Mir." "Do you know me uncle Jamal?" " Uh, no." " Jamal Kazir with a K?" "Cos 'im said that he went up on one of the fings." "That name is not familiar." "All right, well, him talk a lot of..." " .. nonsense, but..." " OK." "If he ain't been on it, then he owes me a tenner." " (Laughter)" " All right." " So let's talk about..." " Do I get a share?" " Yes, for real." "Yeah." "You will." " OK." "Y'know, a couple of quid." "I's going to keep the rest of it." "(Kung fu blows and gunshot)" "Now, class 4B." "Let's talk about what you want to be when you grow up." " Emily?" " l want to be a nurse." "I want to be a teacher, just like you, Miss." "I wanna be a bad-ass ghetto pimp." "You, Ali G, will never amount to anything!" "You'll spend the rest of your life in Staines, and you will never be a gangsta rapper!" "(Echoing) Never!" "Never!" "$ l used to fink that I could not go on" "$ And life was nothin' but an awful thong" "$ There are miracles in life I must achieve" "$ But first that change must start inside of me" "$ l believe I can fly" "$ l believe I can touch the sky" "$ l fink about it every night and day" "$ l spread my wings and I fly away" "$ l believe I can soar" "$ l see me runnin' through that open doo-oh-oor" "$ l believe I can fly" " (Gospel choir) $ l can fly - $ l believe I can fly" " $ l can fly - $ l believe I can fly" " $ l can fly - $ lf l just spread my wi-i-ings" " $ l can fly - $ l can fly-y-y-y" "(Yowling) $ l-i-i-i-i-i-i-i" " $ l can fly..." "Ooh $ - ..." "liiiiiiiy $" "(Choir) $ Fly, fly, fly" "(Applause and cheering)" "Can you let me down now?" "The 'arness 'as got caught up." "I think I might 'ave trapped one." "($ Cheesy Slavic folk)" "Chenkuye." "Yekshemesh." "Hello. I like you." "Everybody say "Mad dog and English gentleman go dance in the midnight sun."" "But why?" "I come to England to find what make English gentlemen English gentlemen." "Chenkuye." " Hello?" "Chenkuye." " Borat!" "Nice to meet you." "Very nice to see you." "If man come in here with many bodyguard, er... rich, er... with beautiful lady,..." " ..with shaved pussy..." " Yeah." " ..with dogs, you will serve him?" " Oh, yes." "Oh, yes." "Here we... I would do that - 44, and then I'd say to you..." " What are you doing?" " Measuring your leg." " And then I measure your..." " What, er..." " What do you do?" " l measure your leg." "You try to, er, touch, er... I don't try to do anything." "All I do is measure your leg." "(Whispers) You are not, er... homosexual?" " Sorry?" " You are not... I don't think so." "You better ask my wife." "I'm sorry!" "I'm sorry." "I think, suddenly, you touch, er..." " No problem." " Please." "You can touch." "To be English gentleman, I need English lady." "That's why I meet Mrs Heskell, who teach me how to flirt, so that I can do sex with English girl." "Mmm." "Who come to learn to flirt?" " Well, people like you." " Well, hey!" "(Chuckles) I just had to do that..." " ..and you went flirty." " Yes. I like." "When you meet someone, think about something you can compliment them on." "So if you look at me now, think about something you like about me and just say..." " Er..." " Give me one." " You have nice tits." " (Shrieks with laughter)" "Why you laugh?" "Tits?" "Tits." "I have nice tits?" "is that the kind of compliment you would give to somebody?" "Flirting is a prelude to meeting somebody." " What is it mean, prelude?" " lt's a beginning." "It's a way of deciding whether you want to spend more time with somebody." "So after how many minutes can I say" ""Hello, do you want to do sex, please?"" " Hello." "Very nice to meet you." " Nice to meet you, my friend." "You have a gentleman club." "Yes." "The idea of my gentleman's club has a different connotation." "In Kazakhstan we have a club where you go, you have other men, they come with friend, they talk, they do business, they watch, er... porno, with a man and a woman." "We see one with, er..." "shaved pussy." "is very exciting to see." "is something..." "Why you laugh?" "Why you laugh?" " (Laughs)" " Why you laugh?" "You laugh at me. I am a twit." " And this?" " Jacuzzi." " lt, er... from here?" " That's right." "It is fantastic." "And what is, er..." " You have with girl?" " Of course." "What is most number of people you have?" "In this one?" "Four's comfortable, six is a crowd." "Now I go to see English club." " Very nice." " My pleasure. I'm Neil." " Borat." "Hello." " The club secretary." " This is the library." " This is very beautiful room." "Do you ever throw out member?" "It has been known to happen, yes." "If a man get very... drink, and do a,... er... dirt..." "Oh, no, I don't think we'd allow that at all." " You throw out?" " Yes." "And what if a man wants to make love to a man's bottom?" " Would you throw him out?" " We don't approve of that." " We think is wrong." " We do as well." "Homosexuality is not encouraged in the club." " Gentleman is not homosexual?" " Definitely not." " Hello." "Thank you." " Nice to meet you." "And you have been to Stringfellow club?" "It is fun, because you have a woman with big... how you say?" " Mammary glands." " Mamma...?" "Mammary glands is the word you're looking for." " Or breasts." " Breasts." "Like tits?" "Tits." "Not a gentleman's word." "They have a girl, they stand like this!" "I'm sure you have them in Kazakhstan as well." "We have, but they stand like this, y'know." "(All chuckle)" "Well, you mustn't wrestle them so much." " Tajik girl is very big." " Oh, so you like...?" "Tajik..." "but Uzbeki - tiny, tiny, tiny!" " Horses for courses." " We do not do it with horse." " We do not like it with horse." " No, I don't." "It's an expression." "It means some like one sort of thing, others another." " l do not like..." " English idiom." "People who like animal to make love is sick!" " Yes. I think you're right." " We know what you meant." "(Applause and cheering)" "(Rhythmic pulling)" "I is sure, like me, when you watch a video, you fast-forward to the most hinteresting and heducationalist bit." "Like, in Titanic." "you go to two hours, eight minute and fifteen second in, where you see Kate Winslet's Babylons." "Nice." "Or, in Pocahontas. where just after the waterfall scene, you can check out a tiny bit of her nip." "I know it a cartoon, but it is based on a real person." "She so fit." "Anyways, in this next bit, I's got all the discussions from the series and done the fast-forwarding for you, innit?" "In the first one, where Lady Olga Maitland cross her legs, you can check out a little bit of her Fred Quimby." "Aye." "Shaven." "(Squeaks)" "OK, well, let's talk about this." "Twenty years ago, women didn't have the vote but now they is considered equal." "Do you think, in twenty years, animals will 'ave the vote?" " l don't for a moment..." " Why not?" " They is also human beings." " They're not." "But there is dogs that can drive - why can't they vote?" " What do you mean?" " Well, I seen dat on de telly." "I think you have to accept that the human world is vastly different from the animal world." "Why can't they have an animal parliament or somefin'?" "There's a famous case which you're pointing to " "George Orwell's novel Animal Farm." "Oh, I 'as seen the film of that." "I thought it was illegal or somefin'." "What he was talking about there was fascism or communism and what happens, using the animals just as an analogy." "The one with, like, the 'orses and dat?" " And the pig takes over the..." " Oh, that was disgusting'." ""Some animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others."" " A very famous quote." " Can't believe you've seen it!" " "Two legs good, four legs bad"" " Oh, yeah, I remember that bit." "That is..." "I thought that was illegal, that film." "At what age should parents give their kids their first spliff?" "Spliff?" "What's a spliff?" " Like a..." " lt's illegal, you know that?" "It ain't illegal if your dad gives it to you." "Of course it is." "Do you think they should teach them how to recognise good gear so they don't get sold dodgy oregano?" "No, you should never teach that." "You'll go to hell for it, in my opinion." "Do you want to end up visiting your child in prison, where he's beaten and buggered, given drugs, his life finished?" "I mean, that's just the pits, man." "For real, that's the pits." "As you would say." "(Ali) OK, let's bring this on." "Do you think there is enough teenage pregnancy?" "There's too much." "But if it's working down there, put it to use." "If the grass is on the pitch, let's play." "They haven't got the cognitive maturity to be able to relate cause and effect, for example." "'Ow come there is so much teenage pregnancy if English girls is so frigid?" "Explain that." " l don't know that they are." " I don't know that they are." "They's got nothin' on the French." "Me mate went to Calais and 'im slept with three girls." "That was only in a day trip and one of them was 28." "That's just promiscuous." "He must've paid them!" "He didn't pick them up in the supermarket." " They said one was a model." " They do it for a living." " ls it right to donate organs?" " Absolutely, it's a gift culture." "If you was 'avin' a 'eart transplant, is it right to meet the person first?" "If you're having a heart transplant, the person's dead." "With transplant, when does it stop being you?" "When I say "you", I don't mean you." "I mean, like, you know, if you 'ad transplant, which I don't know if you's had or if you ain't." "You know what I's saying when I say "you"?" "All righ', let's change the subject." "Wouldn't it be great if we had the technology to make everyone black?" "Or is that just a dream?" " No, we couldn't." " Ain't that a bit racialist?" " No, I don't think it is." " That's a bit racialist." "Speak to the 'and cos the 'ead ain't listening." "It's racist to suggest it would be good if everybody was black." "You said that but you happen to be black." "You say others should be like you." "Let's talk about doctors who is ending the lives of people who is old and suffering." "Do you think that that is right?" "We set up a commitee of the good and great - the House of Lords." "Two years they spent looking at the issue." "In the end, all twelve say no law for euthanasia." "What has it got to do with the youth in Asia?" "It ain't their fault, they's thousands of miles away." "Euthanasia means mercy killing, it literally means "dying well"." "But why is you blaming that on the Asian kids or whatever?" "It's not Asian kids." "Professor Michael, what is the idea of recycling?" "The idea of recycling, I would say, was to cut down on the materials that go through our patterns of consumption." "Ain't it dirty to use somefin' that has been used before?" "Almost everything we do has been used before." "Even the water we drink, we bath in,..." " What do you mean?" " lt's gone through eight bodies." " lt's passed through?" " The scientists know more." "They've drunk it, it's gone into the sewage, into the water treatment and somebody else has drunk it." "You's 'avin' a bath in someone's - pardon me French - piss?" "Yes, that's right." "I ain't never 'avin' a bath again." "That is dirty..." "is you serious about a bath?" "Yeah, absolutely serious." "So, Professor, is it all right to have a piss in the bath?" "As far as the water supply's concerned, fine." "is it morally right to use recycled bog roll?" "I don't think we have a choice." "I sometimes use a sheet twice if it ain't got much dirt on it." " ls that a good thing?" " Yes, it's all right." "Let's take it on to global warming." "What would you prefer out of no ozone or stinking pits?" "You don't have to make that choice." "You don't have to use those awful spray things which I react to badly anyway." "I've never ever used one in my life." " l don't stink." "Here, smell." " No, I ain't doing that." "He's scared!" "We's gonna go round and I want you to say one word that you want them at home to take home with them." " Margaret?" " Peace." " Change, this is a restless earth." " One word." "Restlessness." "Change." " Which one?" " Change." "Change." "The earth changes all the time." "All right." "Forget the restlessness." "Commitment." "Think." "Peace, restlessness,..." " ..change,..." " Commitment." " lt was?" " Commitment." " Commitment, change." " Think." "Think and change your restless peace." " Yes?" " Very good." "I do the lyrics." "So, OK, my word is respect." "Respec' yourself, respect the environment and respec'... you know." "Other things." "($ Dramatic fanfare)" "Selecta!" "Check this." "I is known as a peacemaker." "In May 1 994, you probably 'eard 'ow I ended the turf war between the Chertsey crew and the Beaconsfield posse." "Since then, there's been habsolutely no drive-by killings in the 'ole of west Berkshire." "But now I's got me own show, I's gonna use me gift to end war throughout the whole world and achieve maximum global respect." "We's gonna start tonight by trying to solve the conflict between North and South Korea." "Dese two nations is divided over de 38th parallel and 'as been fightin' each other since World War ll." "Today I's gonna change the world by gettin' one ordinary person from each of those two countries and tryin' to make peace between them." "Please welcome Su Yong Kim from North Korea and Ji Gin Weh from South Korea." "(Applause and cheering)" "'As you got somefin' to say to 'er?" "I hate you and everything you stand for." "You 'as been fightin' for long enough." "Please say sorry." "No, I cannot forgive the things your country has done to mine." "Please, this is ridiculous." "You must at least shake 'ands." "No, I won't." "Never!" "Please, for the sake of the children, make a change." "(Whooping)" "That give me a lot of satisfaction to see that." "Remember, we is all the same people underneath." "Clothes is just a symbol of our differences." "So take them off." "Quickly." "($ Mellow dance music)" "(Whistling) lt is easier to resolve it all there." "Nice." "You see, under our clothes, we is all exactly the same." "Actually, North Korea's a little bit fitter." "But South Korea is a much more mountainous country." "But North Korea has absolutely no forest areas." "South Korea, can you show you is a bit more into peace?" "Good." "Now, please, because it is so important, will you please take up the baton of peace?" "(Buzzing)" "Let's hope that is the only red button you will ever have to press." "Nice." "It seems these countries is puttin' down their guns and settling' their differences." "To make sure they never fight again, it is important to bring in the peacekeeping force of Jamaica." "(Applause)" "Thank you for this." "I tell you, it is good to get your own show, you know?" "You can really have the world." "You should've done this a long time ago." "Next week, we will be making..." "What?" "What?" "Where?" "Shit!" "Me nan on the bog, me nan on the bog, me nan on the bog, me nan on the bog." "There is no conflict we will not try and end on this show." "Next week, we will be 'elping to end the war between Sweden, Denmark and a dog." "Respec'." "Da filth, scum, pig - some of the terrible things the police is called." "Other things include the fuzz and the fuzzy muff." "But you gotta give the flange respect, cos they is keeping the streets safe from the most dangerous weapons." "This is Detective Superintendent David Hatcher from the police." "'E's 'ere to show us some of the terrible weapons that brothers is using on brothers every day." "Ain't that right?" "Now, what is this?" "Basically it's two bits of wood." "It's called a chukka,..." " ..sometimes a flail." " Where can you get them from?" "You can't buy them in this country legally." "Which countries can you buy these things from?" "I'm not going to advertise where they come from." "For real." "What has we got in 'ere?" "This is actually a very small knife, a dagger that, as you can see..." "That is interesting." "And how much is one of these?" " To buy?" " Aye." " l've no idea." " Aye." "For real." "So, what about this?" "is this well dang..." "That is wicked." "What is that?" "is that well dangerous if you go like that and then, like, flick that around?" "It's dangerous any way you look at it." "It's got a sharp point, it's got a blade." "That is mental, man. I ain't never seen anyfin' like that." "How do you carry that?" "Like that or...?" "So what if you was, say, in the kitchen, chopping carrots with a machete cos you don't have anyfin' and then the phone ring and it slip into your sock and then you is running to get a bus" "and it fall into someone's arm, you know, a couple of times - is that legal or illegal?" "You've got a wild imagination." "Me's thinkin' about the law." "Would that be legal or illegal?" "Absolutely illegal." "No court is gonna believe that that sequence of events was likely to occur." "So would this be legal to carry around?" "Because that is..." "No, because that's designed only for one purpose." "You couldn't convince me you'd got that for anything legal." "What if you said you'd got it for your packed lunch?" "I don't think you'd convince the court, Ali." "Cos I don't believe you." "You're coming with me." "Aye." "Where?" " To the police station." " What, now?" " lf you like." " What do you mean?" " Because you're being arrested." " Oh, you're pretending to be... I didn't understand what you was talking about." "What kind of excuses do a court believe with knives?" "If it's the truth and it's reasonable, hopefully the court will believe it." "I won't give you a list of what a court might believe, because you could use that excuse and it not be true." "Has you ever come in contact with a criminal who can put in a hand into someone's body and take out the heart and just go like that?" "I know they see that on the films and whatever, but if you was really trained at kung fu, you can do that." "There may be somebody who can." "It's news to me." "So what is you gonna do with all these weapons afterwards?" "They'll be taken to an iron foundry and melted down and destroyed." "So would you auction them?" " No way." " What about if it was for charity?" "Not even for a charity." "Thank you very much, Chief Superintendent." " Big up." "Respec'." " Thank you." "Check this." "In America, it is legal to carry around machine guns for children as young as 1 4 years old." "Wicked!" "That is why I's come to the HQ of the NRA - the National Rifle Organisation." "Check it." "Has anyone ever been killed by a gun?" "Yes." "When?" "I don't know, I..." "So what is the One Gun A Month scheme?" "One Gun A Month, um..." "That would..." "You know, there's a proposal, different proposals to prohibit someone from purchasing more than one gun a month." "So that would only be, like, ten a year or whatever?" " Twelve or so." " Well, whatever." "I mean, if that law came into place or whatever, and you wanted to get your niece a gun for Christmas, her brother would be jealous if you ain't got him one as well." "Good point." "Parents might feel that way." "That could split up the family." "Has you got a brother or sister?" "I have a little brother." "Do you?" "I's got a sister, but she's a bit..." "Oh." "Bit like that." "is there some middle ground that can be reached between you and the gun people?" "Well, we've tried." "There's not a lot of middle ground." "What about allowing guns but banning bullets?" "Um, we would like to see great restrictions on bullets." "What about allowing bullets but banning guns?" "Again, we want to have very strong restrictions on guns." "We'd like strong restrictions on guns and bullets." "So what about... allowing guns and banning bullets?" "No, I's done that one." "What..." "OK, what about allowing guns but having bullets that don't fit the guns?" "Would that be a way?" "Well, again, in this country, to actually pass a law, we have to get past the people making the money making the guns and selling the guns, and making and selling the bullets." "But the girls like the guns." "The girls, they like the guns." "You got an Uzi, you is gonna get some serious bitches." "Yeah, but how much are they gonna like you after you've been shot and you're in a wheelchair and you can't go to the bathroom by yourself?" "Yeah, they ain't gonna like you then." "Or after you've been shot and you're in a hospital and you're brain damaged, you're going "Uhhh"." "How much are the girls gonna like you then?" "They ain't gonna like you then, but until that 'appen, they is gonna be well into you." "Yeah, but that's gonna happen pretty quick, man." "Easy now." "Ali." " Bob Kahn, how are you?" " For real." "Very good." "Very nice to see such a lovely shop." "Do you sometimes give these guns away to charity?" "No." "We used to, er, give guns away to the Boy Scouts." "Aye, that's a good idea." "That is well heavy." "So this is for, like, let's say, walking down the street?" "No, this is for police use, or a lot of people have these on their boats for protection on private boats." " Can I go like that?" " Sure." " lt won't go off?" " No." " Promise?" " l promise." "Wait a minute, go ahead." "Go ahead, do it now." "Yes, that's a good feeling." " And then you press that?" " Then you press the trigger." " Sure it ain't gonna go off?" " No, try it." "(Laughs)" "Respec'." "Big up yourself." "D'you wanna give a shout out to anyone?" "I have nothing to say to the people of England." " Nothing to say to us at all?" " No, not anything, except I don't like... I don't like, er, your political system." " A'ight, thanks a lot." " And I don't like your laws..." " A'ight." " ..with regard to guns." "Let's go round now." "If you all give me one example of how you will get kids off the street, off the crack and into your..." "house of spirit." "I think if Jesus was here now he probably would be rapping, cos he was a great storyteller in his time." "I think he'd be saying" ""Don't get fooled by the people who are ripping you off."" "You think if Jesus was here now, he would be a rapper?" " To be sure." " The rabbi?" "Well, God isn't the rapper and in Judaism, God doesn't have his messengers." "Me, other rabbis and other Jews would be Godless messengers." "There's no Mohammed, no Jesus, I've got to be the rapper." " ls you..." "is you a rapper?" " lf necessary, I can be, yeah." " What would you be rapping?" " What would I be rapping?" "I'd be rapping that, um..." "you know," ""Come to me, don't be a fool, come to me, God is cool."" "Carry on with your message." "Let's see if you can rhyme another one." ""Let me help you get on your feet," "God can help you get off the street."" "What about you?" "Do you have some rhymes?" ""Jesus is the way, the truth and the life, he will lift you out of strife."" ""l want you to listen to what I say," "Jesus Christ is alive today."" "So, what is Jew reaction to batty boys?" "Judaism does frown upon homosexuality." "is Christians so against battles?" "There are certain kinds of human behaviour that are either not advisable, or in some cases are wrong." "Don't you think it's hypocritical when" "Jesus may have been a gay?" "On what basis do you say that, Ali?" "Well, he hanged with a lot of other men, he... had a moustache, you know." "The evidence there is in Jesus is that he's always the person for outsiders." " Do you think he is gay?" " Do I think he's gay?" "!" "I wouldn't know, I only met him a short while ago." " Are you gay?" " No, absolutely not." "Would you have a problem being an atheist and being gay?" "No, not at all." "is it true that the Jews chop their knob off?" "Um, circumcision, yes." "What about you, atheist?" "Would you get circumcised?" "I don't think there's any particularly good reason to, so probably not." "But as a gesture?" "I don't think the other people here would appreciate that." "Wouldn't it be an amazing thing now if we could all do one of the other people's rituals?" "Rabbi, would you wear a turban or somefin'?" "Um... no." "But I would be ready to take off this hat." "In fact, I'll take it off now." "And whoever is brave enough to put this on, put this on your head." " Will you put it on?" " No problem." "OK, put it on." "Put it on." "Why won't you do that with your hat?" " l'll put the hat on." " Why won't you put that on?" " l would put that on." " OK, put that on." "There you go." "This doesn't mean I'm embracing any faith of any sort." "That represent my crew." "That represent, you know, the Berkshire Massive, whatever." "In the same way that your hat..." "Can me try on your hat?" "Go ahead." "Please, by all means." " There you go." " So is I now a Jewish?" "No." "($ Fanfare)" "I come to Henley Regatta, where old English gentlemen look at young muscly boy in a boat shaped like a man's ram." "This is most special event of summer season." "I come to find why." "Yekshemesh." "What is Henley..." "Regatta?" "Henley Regatta is an international regatta that was founded about 1 60 years ago." "And, er..." "is there woman in the club?" " Yes, yes." " That can't be." "Not as members?" " Oh, yes." "But they are fantastic in a kitchen, in a... in a bed..." " Yes." " But in a... a sport is... ln a sport they learn self-control." "They... (Laughs hysterically)" "Yes, naughty women!" "Yes..." "They become very athletic, very attractive to Western men." "Ah, because they become strong." "Not so strong, but lithe and flexible." "is nice and this is beautiful badge." "These are the badges given out..." " What does it mean, this?" " That's Leander club." "And there is a pig, a pig on this." " lt's a hippopotamus." " What is hippopo... lt's an animal in Africa that swims in the water." " A fish?" " No." "Like a pig but goes in the water." " A pig in the water?" " A hippo." "You're joking." "This is English humour." " lt's not." " A pig in the water?" " Yes, a hippo." " A pig who drink water?" "Yes, it swims..." "swims in the water." " Who live in the water?" " lt's pig size." "Bigger." "And will we see this pig in the water?" "No, you'll see the boats belonging to the club that has pigs on its badge." "Yes." "They have a pig on..." "in the boat?" "They have a little symbol on the boat, with a pig." "There is a..." "Why do they carry the pig in the boat?" "They don't, they carry the symbol of it, you know, a little picture like your badge there." "And why do they show a picture..." "Because that's their symbol." "I don't know why." "And why they choose a pig?" "Because in Kazakhstan, we see a pig as dirty animal." "Well, you see, it's not actually a pig, it's a hippo, but we seem to have a language problem." " Hello." " Hi." "Hello." "Congratulations." " Congratulations." " Thank you." " Congratulations." " Thank you very much." " Congratulations." " Thank you." " Congratulations." " Thank you." " Congratulations." " Thank you." " Congratulations." " Thank you." "Congratulations." "We... here have English tea." "That's right, yes." "We've had our sandwiches." "How many times have you been to England?" " This is my first time." " Are you enjoying it?" "is beautiful." "Everyone say that... it... it rain down like, uh, how you say?" " Cats and dogs?" " Piss." "Yes?" "No, we don't say that." "You have wonderful moustache." "I've had that for a very long time." "Mine is nothing compared to that." " lt just takes time." " Your moustache is beautiful." "I very jealous." " l appreciate you saying that." " Thank you." "May I ask, you are a man who does with another man?" "No." "Definitely not." "This is a very big national race between these two local rivals." "Yes." "You back Bucks and I'll back Berks, all right?" " l buck bucks...?" " And I back Berks." "Come on, Berks!" "You say "Come on, Bucks."" " Come on, Bucks!" " Come on, Berks!" "Come on, the Bucks." "(Shouts) Come on, the Bucks!" "There they are, coming down there now." " (Shouts) Motherf..." " Yes." " Come on, the Bucks." " We're the Bucks." " Motherfuck!" " Come on, Berks." " Come on, the fucking Bucks!" " You can't say that." "Very naughty. lt's a swear word." "So I have learnt lot about Henley." "I have had best day of my life." "Yekshemesh." "'Allo." "We is almost at the end of the vid." "Me 'ope by this point you has reco'nised that this tape is very much like me own beast - ridiculously long, dark in places and best enjoyed with a mouthful of nuts." "Until next time, keep it real." "Wes' side." "Parents, if your teenage kids is suddenly lost a lotta weight, is lookin' very pasty, 'avin' mood swings and spendin' a lotta their time locked in their rooms, then they is almost certainly into indie music." "In me final bid to sort out this evil, me's invited on a man who 'as got it worse than most." "Take one look at 'im and see how bad the effects can be." "You will be scared cos it's Jarvis Cocker." "(Applause and cheering)" "The show ain't finished yet." "The cleaners come on afterwe 'as finished." "We..." "We is waitin' for a big pop star." "Can you piss off, please?" "It's me." "Come off it, you look like a kiddy-fiddler." "Now, I first 'eard of you at the Brit Awards when you went on stage and tried to bum Michael Jackson." "Why..." "Why did you do that?" "That's not quite what happened." "But no matter 'ow into 'is music you is, you should never actually try and bum 'im." "Would you like it if someone came up to you now and tried to bum you 'ere?" "Actually, don't answer that." "Now, your new album is called Dis Is ´Ardcore." "Me bought it, invited round a couple of me mates and, trust me, it ain't 'ardcore." "Me had to stick on Shaving Private Ryan instead." "Sorry." "Which track would you like me to 'elp you out with today?" "Um, well, I thought we could do a song called Help the Aged." "Aye, for real." "The man, none other than Jarvis." "Big 'im up, let's take it to the fing." "(Applause)" "Big it up for" "Jarvis Cocker in de 'ouse!" "Bo!" "(Mellow tune) $ Help the aged" "$ One day they were just like you" "$ Drinking, smoking cigs and sniffing glue" "$ Help the aged" "$ Help the motherfuckin' aged" "$ Don't just put them in a home" "$ Don't put them in a mo'fo' home" "$ Can't have much fun in there all on their own" "($ Scratching)" "Look at me!" "Very strange." "(Raps) Me nan is 63, her name be Sheila" "She always on the phone to her motherfucking' dealer" "She rock the ghetto style, she always wear Fila" "She still get jiggy in her boyfriend's three-wheeler" " Said OAP - $ Well, you know me" " Me said OAP - $ Yeah, you know me" " Me said OAP - $ Yeah, you know me" "Me said OA and the double P, yo!" "Ha!" "Me nan can't live on a little pension" "She smoke the 'erb just to ease the tension" "She got a leak in a place I won't mention" "The NHS call it water retention" "Bim, bimmer, who stole me nan's zimmer?" "Bim, bimmer, who stole me nan's Zimmer?" "Bim, bimmer, who stole me nan's Zimmer?" "It don't matter now, she's three stone slimmer" " $ Help the aged" " Wes' side in the house" "$ Cos one day they were just like you" "Keep off the crack, keep off the crack" " $ Help the aged" " Respect your nan" "$ Cos one day you'll be older too" "Shake ya batty!" "Shake ya batty!" " $ Help the aged" " Jarvis, the famous batty." "Shaking the batty!" "$ Help the aged" "Help... yourself." "$ Help the aged $" "Jarvis!" "Big 'im up!" "Fanks for watchin' today." "I 'ope you 'ave come away with somefin'." "I 'ope together maybe we can understand and only then change the world." "I have a dream of little black girls and little white girls playing wiv each other." "Let's make it 'appen." "Good night and Jah bless." "Respec'." "Ah, so." "Jamaica, could you please..." "Thank you." "If you'd just come this way..." "America has so far managed to avoid that kind of shite and still has telly of the 'ighest quality." "Check dis." "Den you will see the fing that you saw before." "A'ight?" "You know." "We're pretending' a few fings, you know?" "Cos it ain't going out live." "It bet..." "It's not going out live, is it?" "But this is wrong. lt's not 'Arrods." "Harrods. not 'Arrods." "What?" " Yeah. ls A. - 'Arrods." "You own 'Arrods." "With H, Harrods. not 'Arrods." " l thought you own 'Arrods." " No, Harrods. not 'Arrods." " Do you not..." " You understand?" "Harrods." "You put A instead of H." "If you turn that around, you get..." " Turn it upside down." " ..you get Asda, you know?" "I just saw that now." "It's true, innit?" " $ Push it up, push it up" " Roof, roof" " $ Push it up, push it up" " Roof" " $ Push it up, push it up" " Roof, roof" " $ Push it up, push it up" " Roof" " $ Push it up, push it up" " Roof, roof" "$ Push it up, push it up $" "(Applause)" "(Laughter) I got these from America - they don't even fuckin' work." " Check in their pants." " No!" " l'm not gonna go that far." " l'm gonna check in your pants." "Don't go that far!" "(Laughter)" "Has you done it wiv a girl?" " With Julie." " But..." "Hey, don't go there." "Don't go there!" "I didn't mean it about the pubes." "You's probably got pubes." "Probably nice pubes." "If you show me yours, I'll show you mine." "You will be impressed." "It's done in dreads." "I say that, it's actually got beads on it now, yeah?" "Stevie Wonder vibe." "Can't see out of me eye either." "Be good if you could, though, wouldn't it?"