"# I'm not sick but I'm not well" "# And I'm so hot" "# Cos I'm in hell. #" "Yeah, I'm walking and reading, sweetheart." " You got a problem with that?" " (LAUGHING)" "Urghl Great(l) Elena." "If she sees me, we'll have to do small talk." "Could recycle my "nice weather" material from Mr Patel's, but it doesn't really have a sign-off." "Can't wait to get my hands on you either, you sexy little minx." "Urgh... nol I can't listen to her sex chat with Jeremy." " (RINGING)" " Jeremy!" " Oh, God." " I love you too, honey." "Hi, Jeremy?" "Yes, I got Rizla papers." "Normal." "I refuse to buy "king skins"." "It's like asking to buy a hypodermic needle." "No, I did not get the "lube"." "See you in a minute." "Uh, something's just come up." "Yeah, I'll see you at the airport." "I should explain..." "Really, there's no need." "Please don't pull me into your emotional fuck-piel" "That was my long-term partner, who's been away." "So..." "I'm going to tell Jez!" "Right." "Although maybe I shouldn't." "Isn't there a saying, "Whatever you don't know makes you stronger"?" " No." " You're probably right." "Although... maybe you should tell him." "It might be nicer coming from you." "Nicer for who?" "For you?" "Great." "I'm the Man Who Knew Too Much." "Thanks, ears(l)" "So, you'll buy tissue paper for me to physically wipe my sphincter, but you won't buy a bit of lube to ease the giving and receiving of pleasure?" "Uh-huh." "That's right." "Should I tell him?" "Really don't want to." "Is that because I don't want to see a friend hurt, or can't be arsed with the massive hassle?" "So, Johnson's invited me round to his new place." "Not sure why." "Could be anything." "Business?" "Pleasure?" "He probably just wants to shoot the shit." "He won't want to shoot the shit." "He's probably got loads of arsehole mates that he goes white-water rafting and shooting the shit and killing strippers with the whole time." "What's... this?" "It's Elena's birthday present - a bust of her head!" "It's not finished." " What?" "Do you think it's weird?" " No." "A thousand times, no." "I've got loads of other presents, this is just the topper." "So... everything going good, with Elena, do you feel?" "Amazing!" "It's impossible to say just how great she is just using stupid words." "Maybe one day you'll fall in love and then you'll understand." "Uh-huh, maybe." "Could wipe that patronising smile off his face with the truthl" "No." "Be like picking off innocent bystanders with a sniper rifle." "Fun at first, but it would quickly become a depressing chore." "My God, is this Johnson's recession residence?" "Not much to look at, but then apparently Sugar actually operates out of a refurbed Autofix garage." "Mark!" "Hello." " Hi, Alan." " Don't come in." "Oh?" "No?" " One question." " Yes?" "Do you want to make shedloads of freaking money?" "Um... yes." "Then come in!" "He's taken a shine to mel He's singled me outl" "Here's my pitch." "New management consultancy." "You and me." "I'm the face, you're the... tendons and grisly shit under the surface." "Whaddya say?" "Oh, my God." "I don't know!" "Really?" "Look at you!" "You're like the fat girl who's just been asked to the school disco!" "Well, yeah..." "My only hesitation is that I don't have any actual experience of management consulting..." "In." "Fire 30% of the workforce." "New logo." "Boom!" "Out!" "You are now a fully trained management consultant." "(LAUGHS) Great!" "Follow me." "Finallyl I'm being groomedl" "Up the pink-carpeted stairway to business abuse." "Welcome to the nerve centre." "OK." "Well, there's no point in maxing out on overheads until the clients come flooding in, right?" "Right." "Smart." "Very smart." "First things first - let's hook up the printer." "Urgh." "Alan's pyjamas." "Probably still warm." "Under the duvet." "No-one should see under the duvet." "Good old Vista." "People give it a bad press, but I'm never upgrading!" "Why would I?" "It just feels like a good pair of jeans." "You fancy making us some builder's tea?" "Wow." "Amazingl I'm working with Johnsonl OK!" "I've grasped the talcum powder of powerl" "Could slip it into my pocket as a memento." "Hi, Suze." "Mark." "Tea's there." "Will you tell him his phone's charged?" "Er, right." "Sure." "Suze, where's the big scissors?" "Have you moved the big scissors?" "!" "Tell him they're in the clingfilm drawer." "Right, I've got to go out - audition." "Oh, brilliant, what is it?" "It's a stage version of that movie Crash." "You know, the one where all the different races are all the same but they're all a bit different, and it's all fine." "The blackies and the whities, etc." "That's an interesting message." "It is, actually." "I'm playing a whitie, as you can imagine!" " Right!" "Typecast again(!" ")" " Exactly!" "Builder's tea." "I suppose that's middle-class slang." "We don't coin much slang in the middle classes." ""Pants". "Mare". "Ooh, I'm having a mare, this builder's tea came out pants. "" "Right." "Suze says your phone's charged." "Did you make the bed?" " Er... no." " You're not my wife, Mark." "I had a wife." "I don't need another bullet in the head." "OK, righty, righty." "I made his bed and got his tea." "I am his wife." "First things first - funding." "I reckon we need to each put in a two-er." "Good?" "Oh, right?" "2,000?" "Two million?" "£2?" "Equal partners." "2K." "Straight down the middle." "Lamps and JT." "Working together in perfect harmony." "What do you reckon?" "I suppose... if I got an equity release on the flat, then..." "Yes!" "Great." "Gotta be cash, yeah?" " Cash?" " When the banks collapse, the stud holding cash is gonna get a lot of blow jobs, know what I mean?" "Er, OK... fine." "Oh, my Godl" "I'm bumping fistsl I'm in bed with Johnsonl" "Oh, for freak's sake!" "Are you going to need to print anything today, Mark?" "Er, I don't know." "No." "I should be fine." "That was the correct answer." "Hello!" "Oh, hello." "You OK here?" "Great." "Join us." "Tell us about your day, dude." "Got to get out of the killing field." "Oh, fine." "The meeting with Johnson was just about starting up a management consultancy, so I'm definitely going to do that." "See you in a bit." "Oh, my God!" "That's so exciting!" "Tell us all about it!" "Yeah..." "I should probably leave you two alone to talk about whatever important subject you were talking about." "Oh, we were just chatting about having a mini-break in Crete." "Maybe." "Maybe having a mini-break." "There's no war or bomb shit in Crete, is there?" "No, I don't think so." "Cool." "I'll get some voddy." "He's excitedl He's checking out the sumptuous menu options on the SS Titanic." "So I take it you haven't told him?" "Well, I was going to." "But then I was like," ""Maybe wait until he's not holding a big kitchen knife."" " You have to tell him." " Tell him what?" " Nothing." " What's up?" "What's going on?" "Oh, God." "OK." "Go on." "Tell him, Mark." "What?" "Why me?" "You tell him." " Well, I don't want to tell him." " What?" "I'm not saying." "I refuse." "Well, I don't want to say." "I can't." "Look, what the hell is going on?" "Oh, for God's sake." "Jez, Elena has a long-term, live-in lover." "You're just a fuck-job on the side." "What?" "!" "Elena?" "That was pretty brutal, Mark." "I'm sorry, Jez." "You're much more than a fuck-job." "How long have you known?" "I heard them talking on the phone a couple of days ago." "You've known for two whole days?" "That's sick." "Look, I'm not the guilty person here, Jeremy!" "You're shooting the messenger." "Shoot each other!" "JEREMY:" "What a bastard." "Destroys my perfect love just cos it's built on lies." "So this thing, is it serious?" "It's complicated." "Oh, right." "Is he dying?" "Is it a poet in a diving bell?" "Is it really sad and weird but soon he'll be gone?" "No." "We've been together for a number of years and we are committed and in love." "Oh, shit." "I'm so sorry, Jez." "I just thought you and me would be one night of fun, and then I got sucked in, and we got serious, and Gail was away travelling..." "Gail?" "As in... a woman?" "This love rival is a chick?" "Yeah." "Are you disgusted?" "Is that a problem for you?" "MARK: £2,000." "Oh, God." "The Halifax Top Savers Account is finally dry." "The last of the Corrigan millions." "Mark, you dick!" "You've got it all wrong, again!" "Hello?" "What?" "Everything's going to be fine!" "The other guy is a woman!" "They're both two women!" "So it doesn't bother you, her being in a relationship with someone else?" "Well, a bit, but basically, not really." "I mean, me and this Gail, we're just eating from different sides of the plate." "I play woodwind, she's on brass!" "Elena's betrayed you." "How does it make a difference that it's with a woman?" "Because it's hot!" "Even a dried-up, desiccated old Bran Flake on toast like you should be able to see that." "MARK:" "If I'm a Bran Flake, he's a slutty Sugar Puff." "Urgh." "Can't really take more than one lengthy toilet break per morning." "The downtime here is nonexistent." " Anything?" " I'm sorry?" "In the loo." "How did it go?" "You want to know if I?" "Ideas, leads, pitches?" "Did you not come up with anything?" "I was on the loo, Alan." "Oh!" "Can you two keep it down a bit?" "Listen, I've ordered up 1,000 business cards." "I hope you don't mind, but I had to make a call on the name." "Oh, fine." "I liked them both." "Which did you go for?" "Consultio or Consultius?" "Consultio / Consultius." " How do you mean?" " Oh, for God's sake!" "I wonder if Mrs Sugar's allowed to sleep in the boardroom." "The name is Consultio / Consultius." "Got both bases covered." "I've got our cover letter ready to print up." "Right, and as of now, Alan, how many solid contracts or leads do we have?" "That's for me to know and you to find out!" "Print, you damnable fudger!" "Maybe there's a connection problem." " Alan, the printer's not connected." " No, it's wireless." "It's not wireless." "It doesn't say "wireless"." "It needs wires." "Shall I say, or live in his dream world?" "Screw it." "Sort it later." "Stick it on the laterbase." "Good." "I'm sure it'll work..." "later... (RINGING)" "Hello?" "Mark, tell him I'm going out." " Where?" " Anywhere." "Milk." "...Scotch Tape it, buddy." "Where'd Suze go?" "Er... to get milk." "But we already have milk." "I don't think it's really about the milk." "Well, what is it about, Mark, if you're the big expert?" "I know she's seeing someone." "Is it that guy from the SMEG oven shop or the monk she's e-mailing?" "I... don't know." "Oh, you don't know?" "Then maybe you should keep your trap shut." "Did that occur to you?" "So when are your 2,000 notes gonna make their appearance?" "Oh, yeah, right, soon." "Don't tell him it's in my pocket." "Tell him it's not in my pocket." "Although I was wondering whether, in the current climate, it'll be possible to recoup such a big investment in terms of..." "Relax, Mark." "You've seen this from the Sales Direct guys?" "They say they look forward to hearing from us in the future." "They "look forward to it"." "Now, what about that doesn't spell to you serious interest?" "Right." "Just keep nodding and smiling." "Nodding and smiling like Colonel Gaddafi's psychoanalyst." "It's great, isn't it, having an affair?" "It is exciting." "Like this morning when you called, and I thought, "Oh, hell!"" "But then I told Gail you were someone else, and she bought it!" "It was totally mad." " (LAUGHS) Yeah." "Mad, mad shit." " (DOOR OPENS)" "Oh, bollocks..." "Gail!" "Just follow my lead." "Heading for a threesomel A sexy lesbo threesomel" "Hi!" "I thought you were going from the restaurant straight to your Mensa party." "Shirt too much?" "Shit, do I possibly look a total dick here?" "Who's, er?" "Oh, he's just getting some dope." "Jeremy, Gail." " Hi, how are you doing?" " Good." "Just another local pothead." "That's me!" "I live upstairs." "Buy the pot here, take it there." "That's my system." "If you can call it a system." "Cool." "(WHISPERS) You should go." "She'll sniff us out." "She's in Mensa, she is a genius." "OK, well, see you around, neighbour!" "Not so clever now I'm humping your girlfriend, are you?" "You might be a big Mensan, but you haven't figured that one out, eh?" "Bye!" "It's perfect." "Happy birthday, Elena." "Where's real Elena?" "Aren't you cooking her a birthday breakfast?" "She texted to say she couldn't make it." "Gail took the morning off work and surprised her." " Oh, right." "How's the affair going?" " Good." "Yeah, it's hot." "We were going to watch The Wrestler last night, but she'd already seen it with Gail, so we watched Grand Designs." "And then Gail came home and so I had to leave." "But yeah, pretty hot." "Right." "Great." "Tell you what, shall I make us both some pancakes?" "Actually, man, that would be really nice." "(MOBILE BEEPING)" "Urgh." "Big Suze." "She keeps leaving these endless messages about how pissed off she is with Johnson and how he goes around writing his name on all the fruit and if she accidentally eats a Johnson orange, he totally loses it." " How's it going with Consultiarium?" " Brilliant." "Yeah." "Great." "And one good thing is I'm worrying quite a lot of the time whether Johnson isn't totally losing his nut." "Really?" "Yeah." "I look at him sometimes now and think, "Has Daddy's hat fallen off?"" ""Daddy's hat"?" "Yes, has Daddy's hat fallen off and he's just standing there, naked?" "I don't know." " He'll probably be fine." " (BEEPING)" "Er, Mark, maybe scratch the pancakes." "Gail's gone out to Pilates, I've got a window." " You've been summoned." " Exactly." "Back to the coalface." "Right, OK, keys, condoms, present." "OK, off to my affair." "See you later." "MARK: "Show me the money, Mark."" "What am I going to do?" "Is it going to be OK?" "It doesn't feel OK." "He seems mental." "And that's the front room, naturally." "Jez, why are they?" "Relax." "It's just a couple of neighbours come down to have a chat about you getting a job in a Mexican restaurant." "What?" "No." "No, Jeremy." "Gail walked in out of the blue again." "And I thought, wouldn't it be great if you were to track her movements for me?" "What?" "!" "So you're the guy who wants to work in a Mexican restaurant?" " Er..." " Yup." "Yes, he is." "Sign him up!" "Right, booze." "Oh, I don't believe it, I've forgotten to get booze!" " I'm not a big drinker, anyway, so..." " Nonsense." "I'll pop to the offy." "And, Elena, you wanted me to remind you about the thing." "The thing?" "Oh, Elena!" "Remember?" "You said, "My car's on pay and display," ""please remind me!" So I'm just reminding you." "Oh, yeah, right." "I'll walk you down!" "You two'll get along great." "Gail's a genius." "I'm not a genius." "I just have a very high IQ." "I'm a Mensan." "It means she's very perceptive." "She spots things that other people miss." "She's very highly attuned." "MARK:" "Great." "I'm the fuck-pie's pastry crust." "I'm holding all the disgusting ingredients together." "There's always room at Banditos for an English-speaking gunslinger." "I'm not sure I need to sink to washing up just yet!" "It's £100 a shift with tips." "You could try a shift and see." "Oh?" "Maybe I could juggle itl" "Johnson by day, Bandito by night." "Rich Mark could give to Poor Mark." "I could be the Zorro of myselfl That could be interesting." "The timing's quite good, actually, because I've got" " a couple of staff who are moving on." " (BEEPING)" ""Me N E goin bed at herzl" ""Kp Gail swet." "Thnx, Jez."" " Oh, Godl" " Great, call me at the restaurant." "Will you tell E I've grabbed an early one?" "Don't go." "Stay." " Why?" " Why?" "Why. "Why?" she asks." "Yes, why?" "Because I've got one or two questions." "For instance, delineate for me, if you can, the main points of difference between the burrito and the enchilada." "There's a video, Mark." "I'm going to go." "No, I really, really want you to stay." "I'm in a relationship, Mark." "Oh, no, God, I didn't mean..." "And it's a same-sex relationship." "No, I'm sorry, I..." "And I don't find you attractive, even speaking objectively." "Great." "The big triple." "Uninterested, unavailable and physically repulsed." "Come on!" "We've got a window!" "I'm just not in the mood, Jeremy." "Oh!" "Do you think I was in the mood this morning?" "Of course I wasn't, but I didn't let that stop me, did I?" "We need to be more careful." "Gail's in Mensa, for God's sake." "She reads books for fun!" "We should go back." "You go first, I'll leave it five minutes." "Fine." " (DOOR CLOSES)" " Hello!" "I'm back!" "And I got the booze." "Rum?" "Yeah, yeah, I got some rum." "Everyone likes rum, don't they?" "And I have to admit, I had a little bit on the way back." "You drank half a bottle of rum on your way back from the shop?" "You know how it is when you can't wait a second to get a hit of that neat, sweet rum." "MARK:" "Maybe I dodged a bullet with Alan." "I can take my two grand and head to the hills with the Banditosl" "All set?" "Got your swipe fob?" " Check!" " Remember the opener?" ""Hey, can I get some nachos or margaritas to kick you hombres off?"" "Great!" "Now get out there and work that tush." "Tits and teeth, Mark, tits and teeth!" "Oh, God, this is terrifying." "Just me and the public and some laminated menus for protection." "OK, here goesl" "Hi, guys, party of four?" "Let me show you to a table." "I'll grab you some menus, but first can I get some nachos, margaritas or something soft for the little guys, to kick you hombres off?" "I improvisedl I'm the Miles Davis of Mexican restaurant waiting staffl" "Just some menus and a jug of tap water, please." "Uh-ohl Skinflint alert." "Urghl What have I become?" "It's his legal right, by Godl" "Mark?" "Hello?" "Alan?" "Oh, fuck." "Oh, no." " You got the message, then." " Message?" " About meeting here." "You clearly got it." " Er... yeah." "I was worried." "But hey, you're here." "This is Colin and Naz from Sales Direct." "Hi, there." "Shitl Daddy's hat is back onl" "This is my business partner." " My wing man." " Mark Corrigan." " Mark?" " Oh, not nowl" "Table four?" "Sure thing." " What was that?" " Nothing." "Are you working here?" "Yes." "Of course." "I've mentioned that," " I'm sure." "So, you're all set for menus." " No, you definitely didn't mention that you'd started working in a Mexican restaurant." "It's just part-time." "I'm still your wing man, Alan." "Great to meet you guys." "What area are you interested in us taking a look at for you fellas?" "Table four, Mark." " I ought to be going." " Cool." "Cool." "I'm just settling these guys in." "Can I get you hombres some nachos or margaritas to kick off with?" "Well, we're grateful you've done all this upfront." "Don't thank me, thank the Microsoft Office family." "PowerPoint, Excel and Word - the three amigos." "So, what's your MO?" " Well..." " Can we get some menus, please?" "Hold that thought, Colin, hold that thought a second." "Just got to cold-shoulder the shit-munchers before I service the big swinging dicks." " Can we order some drinks?" " Nope." "OK!" "Right, let's get into this mother." "We're going to have the early bird menu, please." "No, you're not, it's 8.03." "OK, Mark, look." "Working with Colin and Naz here," "I think what we need is two executive teams..." "Uh-huh." "OK, smart, super smart." "I'll do the consulting, the number crunching, meta-analysis and business plan, while you cover the fucking off and getting us an ice-cold pitcher of Bud." "OK?" "See you around." "So, fellas, let's get into this now." "Heading for a bedding." "Oh, no." "I thought tonight, let's not do it on the bed." "Let's do it on the floor." " Sexy." " Yeah." "Also I don't want the sheets to smell of you." "Uh-huh." "Right." "Well, I'm just afraid that Gail suspects something." "She's so clever." "The other day she found that sock and she was like, "What's this?"" " What did you say?" " I said I didn't know." "Nice." "Elena, what would you do if she did find out about me?" "Who would you choose?" "Obviously I'd choose you." "(DOOR SLAMS)" " Hey, honey!" " Shit!" " I'm home!" " It's Gail." " You'd better hide!" " But you're choosing me?" "Sure, sure." "Maybe later." "Great." "Mr Chosen, on the balcony, in his pants." "Look, I do have limits, you know?" "I have self-respect." "I might jump!" "Come on, Jeremy, we both know you're not going to jump." "Maybe I will jumpl That'd show herl" "Quite high." "Obviously I'm not going to jump." "MARK:" "Yeah." "Pretty good first shift." "Sacked by Johnson from my dream job, but on the plus side, learnt how to professionally present a key lime pie." "(THUMPING)" "What...?" "Is this some new... thing?" "Harassment by flailing washing?" "Am I being mocked?" "OK, face my persecutors." " Jeremy?" " Mark!" " Bet he's naked." " Mark!" "Of course." "Jeremy, what was the... thing?" "It's some shirts with a tennis ball tied in the end." "Good, isn't it?" "Er..." "Look, I'm freezing." "Can you throw me a rope?" " I haven't got a rope." " You haven't got a rope?" "I don't own a rope." "I don't own a boat or any cattle or any of the things that ropes are useful for." "What the hell would you do with a rope anyway?" "Climb up it." "Oh, sure." "Climb up it using your "strength"." " You could pull me up." " Yeah, I could haul you up using my "muscles"." " (DOORBELL RINGS)" " Shit, who's that?" " Suze." "What?" " Hi, Mark." "Oh, God, I am in such a mess about Alan!" "I don't even know who I am any more." "I can give you a tip." "Two words - mental posho." "Is Jez in?" "Sort of..." "But not really." "He's always been so sweet and understanding about my problems." "You might find that's changed a bit since he stopped wanting to have sex with you." "Where is he?" "OK, Jez, she's asleep." "You can come through, but crawl." "Crawl?" "Right." "Then, if she does wake up, I'll just say you're a pervert or a dope thief or a sex attacker." "Right!" "Great." "I'm golden." "This is good." "It's sexy, romantic, daring." "I'm like a modern-day Casanova." "Raffles, the gentleman perv." "No clothes." " Ssh!" " Raffles doesn't deserve clothes." "Oh!" "He..." "He was down there." "But he's gone." " (DOORBELL RINGS)" " All right, Jez, I'm coming!" "Alan?" "That was some dumb shit you pulled tonight." "Er, yeah, yeah, I know." "But the good news is I nailed the contract." "Consultio is go." "Wow, that's brilliant." "Yeah, but here's the thing." "I've had a think." "It's a biggie, Mark." "But I need manpower." "I need capital." "I need you." "Are you still in?" "Of course I'm still in!" "But I can trust you?" "Will you put your money where your mouth is?" "Of course you can trust me." "All the crazy shit we've pulled over the years" " JLB, Kettering, the marketing/sales shitstorm - we're always there for each other, right?" "Alan?" "!" "You followed me?" "Suze?" "Oh, I see." "Jeremy." "Got sick of the real world, want the soft play area?" "Why didn't you tell me, Mark?" " No, Alan, it's not..." " Some wing man you are." "But, Alan..." "Don't go!" "Johnson?" "Alan, no!" "He doesn't deserve that!" "He got it for the wrong reasons, but overall, probably fair do's." "# I'm not sick" "# But I'm not well" "# And I'm so hot" "# Cos I'm in hell. #"