"Yes, is that the Wogan show?" "Yes, I'd like to speak to somebody in charge, please." "All right, then, get me anybody." "Oh, hello, Terry." "Yeah, Ralph Filthy here, theatrical agent." "Who do I represent?" "Er..." "Er, sorry, crossed line there." "Now, listen..." "Listen, Terry, I'm a big fan." "Yes, yes, love the little looks to camera." "Yeah, very sexy." "Very come hither." "Yeah, very come hither and screw me to the wall you whirlwind of sauce, you." "No, I mean it." "Now, Terry, I wouldn't say it if I didn't mean it, would I?" "Yeah." "Now, Terry, I've got this book and I was hoping to plug it on your show." "Yeah, well... it's more of a manual really, yeah." "Yeah, yes, it is quite dirty but it's not tacky." "No." "No way is it tacky." "It's more of a sort of a social service, really." "Yeah, Going It Alone, I Did It My Way." "It's a sort of single person's guide to sex, really." "Oh." "Gloria Hunniford." "Oh, stop sighing, Eddie." "I'm not sighing." "Pardon me, but I think you are sighing." "I'm not." "I'm idly collecting phlegm at the back of my throat and when I've got enough..." "I'm going to gob at you." "Wouldn't blame you if you were sighing, actually." "The hours are not exactly charging by at the mome." "No work, nothing to do." "Wonder what Tom O'Connor's up to?" "Imposs to say, really." "The man is such a sparkling multifaceted genius, one cannot predict what amazing thing he'll get up to next." " The interesting thing about Tom..." " Well, congratulations, Richie." "I had thought today I had plumbed the very depths of tedium, a level of boredom beneath which I could not sink, but no" " Richie Rich has started to burble on about Tom O'Connor." "What shall we do, stare at the wall or chat about Tom O'Connor?" ""Well, I've got a bit of a heart condition." ""Staring at the wall would probably be too exciting." ""Safest if we chat about Tom O'Connor!"" "You don't fancy watching Name That Tune on the vid, then?" "Ooh!" "Oh, no." "Telly's broken." "Tom O'Connor's probably playing golf now." "Him and a few of the guys." "Probably just realised I'm not there." ""I thought you'd ask him, Bob Monkhouse?"" ""No, you said you would, Tom. "" ""Oh, bother, the game's ruined," Bob Hope will chip in." " "Bother, bother, bother!"" " Richie, I'm begging you." "No, I'm threatening you." "If you don't shut up I shall ram your head into the microwave." "All right, all right, all right." "The subject is closed." "I see Brucie Forsyth's got a new series." "Spot The Catchphrase." "Brucie trots out a series of meaningless catchphrases and a celeb panel guess which will annoy the public most." "Could be very big, Eddie!" "Do you think we could possibly avoid the subject of Brucie Forsyth as well?" "In terms of boredom, it's much the same as talking about..." "Michael Barrymore, isn't it?" "What?" "!" "Eddie, your ignorance really is embarrassing." "They're two completely different artistic entities." "Their catchphrases, for example." "What's Brucie's?" "Come on, what's Brucie's catchphrase." "You know it." "What is it?" ""It's gonna be a big night tonight" ""if you play your cards right." "Nice to see ya. "" ""Give us a twirl, Anthea." "I'm in charge. "" "Whereas Barrymore's is anything John Cleese ever said." "With by a couple of rounds of, "Awright!" "Awright!"" " Where's the similarity?" " Neither of them are funny." "Take the game shows they present." "On Play Your Cards Right, there's a whole line of cards and then you win a prize." "Whereas, on Strike It Lucky, there's a line of TVs and then you win a prize." "There's no similarity between the two concepts at all!" "When TV execs go to so much troub to provide us with such varied scheduling, the least you can do is give them some credit." "Richie, if you don't shut up, I'm going to cut your head off, stuff it in the microwave, wait until it goes pink, take it out, mush it up with milk and butter" "and ram it up your backside!" "So, SHUT UP!" "Very well." "If you wish it, Eddie, we shall sit in silence." "It could save your life." "Ted Rogers has been thrown off 3-2-1." " Right." " Too old, you see." "Too old." "He's 108 if he's a day." "Got caught short in the ad break and had a widdle in Dusty Bin." "Dreadful business." "The rumour is they want me to take it over." "Yeah, me." "With Sammy Fox as the glamorous totty on the side." "Could be a very special team, I think." "Do you wanna touch my body?" "Yes, we do!" "We want to stick our heads up your blouse and go..." "Will you shut up!" "Right." "Right, Eddie, that's it." "No, seriously, this is it." "I'm sorry, but when I'm on This Is Your Life and you're brought on as my lifelong companion, guess what?" "I'm not gonna recognise you." "That's right!" "I shall simply stare blankly and say," ""Who the hell is he?" "Get him off my show, he stinks. "" "And all my great showbiz mates like, like..." "Marti Caine and Gary Wilmot - they'll all say," ""Who's the fat, ugly bastard pretending to be Richie's mate?" ""Get him out of the studio quickly. "" "You'll be so embarrassed, won't you?" "You'll start to cry." "You'll cry!" "And we'll all laugh." "Eamonn Andrews will punch you and all my mates will join in." "Clive Dunn, Roy Castle, Pam Ayres - they'll punch you to death in front of millions of people just for being ugly and poor." "Oh..." "Hello, Richie." "Hello, Eddie." "Er, the front door was closed, so I picked the lock." "Er, do you mind if I use your toilet, Richie?" " Of course not, Filthy." "Go ahead." " Ta." "Right, come on in, my dears." "Yes, this way." "This way, Mr and Mrs Elton." "Yeah, in there, as promised." "One room, bijou maisonette, running water, fully furnished." "Très bona, ideal for a young family's first home." "90 quid a week, cash down." "Thank you." "I'm sure you'll be very happy in your new home." "Filthy!" "You said I could use the toilet, Richie." "Be fair, I did ask." "I didn't say you could rent it out!" "I've just moved into the estate agency biz." "Très bona, très mucho mazoola." "But Filthy, what happens when we want to..." " go?" " It's in their rent agreement." " You have right of passage." " I am not easily embarrassed but I think it's going to be difficult to maintain the social niceties we British are proud of with a young family living in my toilet bowl." "Eddie!" "90 quid!" "Anyway, they won't mind, this is the '80s." "People have to go where they can." "By the way, watch what you do with your rubbish," "I've got a couple of students in your dustbin." "Not married, I'm afraid, but you can't expect morals from kids these days." "Boys, boys, this is not a day for long faces and whining." "This is a day of glad tidings, merriment... joy... happiness." "Because, Richie, my dear, I have found you a job." "Oh, my God!" " Aren't you pleased?" " No." "I remember the last job." "So do I. Très bona, regular appearances, extended engagement." "Filthy, you told me to sign on the dole!" "You took a 75% commission on my unemployment benefit." "Yes, never mind all that, Richie, darling." "That's all in the past, because I have found you a real, showbiz job." "If this is some kind of joke..." "It'll be the first one on the show this week!" "Shut up!" "We've had some super laughs and the show's only just begun." "Tell me true, have you honestly, cross your heart and hope to die, got me a genuine, genuine showbiz job?" "Yes." " How big?" " Enorm." " Enorm!" " You, Mr Richard Rich..." " Yes!" " You old trouper, you." " Yes!" " You old hell raiser, you." " Yes!" " You, you... mad, drunken dog of the theatre." "Ruff, ruff, ruff!" "You are going to read the gossip columns on breakfast TV tomorrow morning." " Oh, my God, this is it!" " I'm gonna meet Anne Diamond!" " Wincey Willis." " Gordon Honeycombe!" "This is it!" "Michelangelo got the Sistine Chapel contract," "Russ Abbot had his Madhouse." "Bernard Matthews couldn't say "beautiful" properly." "And now I'm gonna read the gossip columns on breakfast TV!" "Just a one-off, it's only tomorrow morning." "Ha!" "Wait till you see how brilliant I am." "I'll be reading the weather before you can say, "Frank Bo... "" "One small prob." "Bear in mind you have to be at the studios tomorrow at 4:30... in the morning." "You old josher!" "Seriously, what time do I have to be there?" "I'm telling you, boys, that's it." "AM." "Shut up, Eddie." "This is my big break." " 4:30 in the morning?" " That's right." "So, a quiet night in, get to bed early, and above all, get up early to get there on time." "Or you'll become bywords in the business for unprofessionalism and never work again." "We've got to get an early night." "Oo-er, sounds a bit ominous." "It doesn't sound in the slightest bit ominous, Eddie." "Just remember to be there, tomorrow, 4:30, sober." " Sober." " If you need me," "I'll be at the off-licence until opening time, then at the pub until closing time and then at the club." "See you down the studios." "TV-am!" "Ah-ah-ah-ah!" "Sober." "Right, 4:30 in the morning." "What time is it now?" " It's nearly opening time." " Only 11 hours to go!" "Ohhh!" "What's on the telly?" "It's broken." "We've got to be really sensible." " Have a quiet evening in." " And an early night." "Above all, we've got to be up in time to get to the studio." "Why don't we go out for just one quiet, little drinkie?" "N- o." "You know what would happen then?" " Lager frenzy." " Lager frenzy." "One thing you can't do after lager frenzy is get up at 4:30 in the morning." " We could exercise restraint." " Yes, and in the real world, perhaps we couldn't." " I know what we'll do." " No!" " Not that." " It got too messy last time." "No, we'll never do it again." "I swear." "This is great." "I nicked this off a schoolkid on the bus." "It's a great new game all the trendsetters are playing." "It's called Trivial Pursuits." "Richie, Trivial Pursuits was fashionable about five years ago." "Oh, you really are a sad creature, aren't you?" "If you can't think of something first you run it down." "Let's play." "You have to shake to start." "Five!" "Oh-ho-ho!" "Six." "No, that's on an angle, you see?" "You'll have to roll it again." "Six." "You've played this before, haven't you?" "It doesn't matter who starts, I'm still going to thrash you!" " Right, politics." " Look, Richie... why don't we go out for just one non-alcoholic drinkie?" " Like what?" " Vodka." "Vodka frenzy is even more destructive than lager frenzy." "The vom's a lot clearer." "Easier to wash out of your sheets." "But you haven't washed yours since 1978." "And you only popped them in the lav with a bar of soap and flushed it a couple of times." " Are we playing this or not?" " Ask me the question then." "Stop looking." " I'm not looking." " Yes, you are looking." " I'm not." " You can see the reflection in my eyeballs cos they're so sparkling." "Sounds like the cue for a gag about sparkling balls!" "Not if you ever want to work again!" "Ho ho!" "Let's play and stop cheating!" "I don't need to cheat to beat you." "Ooh!" "In that case you wouldn't mind turning your back while I read the question." "All right then." "Great." "You seem to be taking an awfully long time, Richie." "Er, there's one or two complicated words." "With you in a tick." "Oh, dear." "How very, very sad." "Richie, what have we got above our mantelpiece?" " Eamonn Andrews..." " A mirror." "And what do I see reflected in that mirror?" "Ena Sharples." "Brilliant." "The pathetic sight of the man who once did the continuity links on TVS reduced to grubby cheating to get the better of his half-drunk minder." "This is Thatcher's Britain." "Al Pacino and The Bee Gees." "Ah." "Er..." "Good, I think all your cards are in order." "We can start." "I shall simply take the questions from the other end of the box." "Presuming I can see nothing of interest in your sparkling balls, oo-er, perhaps you'd read the question." "Here goes." "The first question of the game." "Duh-da-da-derrrr!" "Here goes..." "Oh, God, this is easy." "Too easy actually." "I don't think it's fair this is so easy." " Just ask me the question." " All right, then." "It's not really fair." "It's too easy." "It really is too easy, isn't it?" "It's not fair, really." "You've had all the easy ones and I've had all the hard ones." "I could have won by now if I'd had your questions." "I mean, honestly, it's not fair." "You probably know all the answers because you've played it so often." "If you've never played Trivial Pursuits, the producer wishes me to assure you that this is exactly what it's like and hence a very well-observed gag." "Shut up." "Our audience are very sophis, they all play Triv." "Richie, in order to play Triv, you have to be able to read, which counts our lot out from the start." "Eddie... are we going to play this game or not?" " Ask me the bloody question!" " All right, all right." " Oh, it's so easy." " Oh, God." "Here it is." "Who was the last Labour prime minister and if you don't get this you're an idiot." "Callaghan." "Mmm..." "Yeah, can you be a bit more specific?" "James Callaghan." "Yeah, well... could you give me a little bit more?" "Richie, there is no more." "That is the answer." "We have to go by what it says on the card, don't we?" " All right, I give up then." " Great." "My go." "It says on the card, "James Callaghan. "" "It says "James Callaghan" full stop, doesn't it?" ""Callaghan" full stop." "You have to go by what it says on the card." "It's the rules." "It's not my fault if you're too stupid to get the answer." "One." "Damn-no, great!" "Showbiz, a pink category question!" "It's my go!" "Uhhh!" "Who was the star and director of the Rocky and Rambo films?" "Ah, now, I know this." "I know this!" "Ohhh..." " Ow." "Errr... no, don't tell me." " I'm not going to." "It's coming, it's coming, it's coming and don't say, "Oo-er. "" "Errrm..." "What was the question again?" "Who was the star and director of the Rocky and Rambo films?" "Got it." "Tarby." " No." " It is." "The card must be wrong, it's definitely Tarby." " It's not." "It's Sylvester..." " Stallone!" "I knew that one." " I did know that." " You didn't say it." "What are you doing?" "What are you doing?" " It's my go." " But I knew it all the time." "I knew that one." "It's still my go." "Richie... in about 15 seconds I'm gonna have to punch you in the face." "And because I'm your minder I'm gonna have to defend you and beat myself up." "That way we're both gonna get hurt." "Why don't we avoid all this unpleasantness and go for one teenie-weenie only-have-one-y drinkie?" "Eddie, we're having a lovely quiet night in playing a fantastic game of Triv." "We have to be up early, we can't go for a dr..." "All right, Eddie, I'll let you have your go." "Go on." "Go on!" "I'll ask you a question, I hope I give you a hard one." " Don't say "oo-er"." " Oo-er." " Geography." " Right." " Oh, God, this is so easy." " Ah-ah-ah-ah!" "All right." "What, then..." "What is the world's northernmost capital city?" "Reykjavik, comma, Iceland, full stop." "I suppose I'll have to give it you then." " Why, because it's right?" " Don't gloat!" " It's most unbecoming." " This is so boring!" "Ha ha!" "Thought you were going to lose, didn't you?" "Had to throw the board across the room." "Ask me a question, any question." "I'll get it right, I bet you a million pounds." "Go on, any question, it'll be great." "Ask me, ask me, ask me." "Which jolly gap-toothed Scouser comedian who now presents Winner Takes All first rose to fame on Sunday Night At The London Palladium?" "He enjoys the odd round of golf and his initials are JT." "Now, I know this." "JT?" "Erm..." "Erm, I know it, I do know it." "I know this, I know this, errrm..." " Got it." " Jimmy Tarbuck." "What?" "Oh, yes, of course" " Tarby!" "Yes, it's Tarby!" "I got another one." " Ask me again!" " This is pathetic!" "You've just landed a contract at TV-am, we should be out celebrating, not getting bored to death." "We've got to be up early to be bright and fresh at the studio." "Richie, if we went out for one little drinkie, it might help us sleep." "Just one." "I did win the game, didn't I?" "Yes, you did." "Very clever, well done." "All right, then." "Just one little drink." "Uh-oh." "Lager frenzy!" "Look, paparazzi scum!" "Telephoto parasites photing me on my quiet night out when I deserve privacy." "Leave my boy Richie alone!" "Give me that camera!" "Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!" "Hit him, Eddie, hit him!" "You are Sean Penn!" " What did you hit him for?" " Cos I don't hit girls." " You sexist pig." " All right, then." "This liberation game's a lark, isn't it?" "Let's get drunk." "Oi, you two should go before I call the police." "I only tolerate this from celebrities." "Richie is reading the gossip on breakfast TV tomorrow." " Is this true?" " Of course, small minion," "I am..." "Richie Rich!" "If you want a mensh get us some pop." " Everybody, it's Richie Rich!" " Who?" "Richie, have a look at those two over there, eh?" "Whur-hur-hur!" "Eddie, they're potted plants." "You'd have to be sloshed to fancy them." " Let's get sloshed, then." " Here we are, boys." "Thank you, landlady, here's five pence." "Oh, Richie, what can I say?" "Fantastic, I much prefer this club and it's on the way home." " So just one drinkie here..." " And straight home to bed." "Right." "Of all the clubs we've been to tonight, this is the best." "And it's still on the way home if you think about it." "But you have to think pretty stupidly, Eddie." " We are in Liverpool now." " Right." " Let's think stupidly about it." " Yeah." "You know, there's an element missing to this evening which no true man should be without." "I don't follow you, Eddie." "I wouldn't advise anyone to follow me as my bottom resembles nothing less than a wind tunnel." "What is this element... that no true man should be without?" "Well, we've had a few drinks, we're out for a good time... what's your mind turning to?" "Of course." "Poppadom frenzy!" "Oh, God." "Oh, blimey." "Eddie, loosen my trousers, would you, old girl?" "Why can't you do it?" "Because you're the nearest." "Oh, all right, then." "Just down by my tummy." "Anyway, you have to do it cos I said you had to do it." "And you have to do what I say cos you're the pathetic nobody and I'm the great, fantastic person." "That's what your life's all about, you zero." "Richie, have I ever told you the story about the tortoise and the hare?" "Is it a dirty one?" "No, that's the story about the tortoise and the donkey." "Oh." "Tell me that one, then." "All right, then." "There was once this really kinky tortoise." " Uhhh!" " Ruhhh!" "Seriously into MS." "Whoarr!" "MS?" "Marks and Spencer's." " Whoargh!" " Worked in the lingerie department." " Ooh-hooo!" " Anyway!" "His supervisor, the donk..." " Donk?" " Donkey." "Used to think he was a really conscientious worker but really the tort was coming in early to try on all the bras and try on all the knicks." "I better tell the story about the tortoise and the hare." " You haven't got a punch line?" " Yeah, that too." " Who cares, we've got the cash." " Yeah!" "Well, there was once this tortoise and this hare and the tortoise was really slow and slothful and called..." "Richie Rich." "Have you got it so far?" "Look to the mote in thine own eye is my answer to this." "Or look to the billions of fags, eight gallons of lager and a crinkly old copies of Mayfair in thine own eye." "We're not talking about me, we're talking about you and, of course, the hare." "Who is a real whizz kid go-getter, wise-cracking gagster called Bobby Davro!" "Me and Davs in a showbiz race, this is fantastic!" "Go on!" "Well, the hare won totally cos Davro's got a bit of talent." "And the tort got run over by a bus cos you're a talentless scumbag and that's why you'll never have your own game show!" "And that's the way you feel, is it?" "Yep!" "In which case it seems rather strange to me, that they've asked me to go on breakfast teev in the morning." "That reminds me, what time is it?" " It's 4:15." " Right." " When have we got to be there?" " Er..." " 4:30." " Right." "Where are we?" "Southampton." "We've just got time for one more drink." " A double?" " Yeah." "Mr Filthy, there's 10 minutes left." "I'm becoming very worried." "I know, Anne, my love." "I am trying to trace them." "I am considering every possibility." "Hello, Battersea Dogs Home?" "Yeah, did you pick up a couple of large dogs last night?" "One in a poncy suit and the other with a copy of Health And Efficiency in his pocket?" " No?" "Right, sod you then." " We're almost out of time." "The Pink Goddess has had a heart attack she's been exercising so long." "Look, daughter, I'll put this as politely as I can." "Shut your face, you silly old cow." "I knew we shouldn't have tried to save money on has-beens." "Hello, yes?" "Senior Service Club?" "Yes, I can hold." "Hello." "Do me a favour, would you?" "Look out the window and see if there's two revolting offences to humanity wiggling their backsides and saying, "We'll do anything for lager. "" "There isn't?" "Well, sod you then." "Right, well... that's it, Anne, my dear." "I have tried every conceivable possibility." "However, as I said, I do happen to have this manual which I was hoping I could plug on your show instead." "I've told you before, TV-am is a family programme and we do not broadcast smut." "Good morning, Britain!" "Here we are, 4:30 in the morning and bang on time." "Gordon Honeycombe!" "Give me my papers and I'll finish the job!" "Richie Rich and Eddie Catflap, what are you doing here?" "Honestly, the one time in my life I want you to let me down and you don't." "I lose all my faith in human nature, I really do." "But, Filthy, you stressed..." "You stressed we had to be here on time." "Which I thought was the one way of guaranteeing you wouldn't be." "I don't know what you're talking about and I'm too drunk to care." "This is where my success story begins." "From this small beginning a showbiz empire will be built." "Come on, Eddie!" "I hope you're proud of yourself." "Your plan to bring smut to TV-am has failed." "We remain a good, clean family programme." "You're really as sweet and innocent as you look on telly?" "Yes, I am." "I'm lovely." "Good morning, if you've just joined us." "Time for a look at the papers with our guest reviewer, Mr Richard Rich." "What?" "Oh." "Hello." "That's my little raspberry sound." " Do the papers." " Oh, yes, right." "Here's the papers!" " I've done it then." " Read them." "Oh, yes." "Just my little joke." "Right, hello, viewers." "Here's last night's gossip." "Let's start with John Fake in the Daily Bastard." "Always some juicy stuff in there." "Ooh, this looks good." ""Embarrassing incident with bare bottom" ""in local eatery." ""Pathetic and forgotten has-been Richie Rich" ""showed just how low he... "" "Oh, that's me." ""'I thought his helmet was the toilet,'" ""claimed the has-been as a policeman... "" " Mr Richard Rich." " Oh, God, I'm gonna be sick." " Eddie!" "Eddie!" " What?" " This copper wants a statement." " Oh." "Right. "All coppers are bastards. " How's that?" "Just tell me what you did earlier this evening." "It had something to do with our trousers." " Exactly what you did." " We're still live!" "We're on air!" "We'll sort this out, you're amongst professionals now." "What exactly did we do last night?" "Oh, yeah." " Shall we show him?" " Yeah, let's show the world!"