"Copyright from ecOtOne™" "NARRATOR:" "Some people are born into the wrong time and place." "This was the American frontier in 1882." "A hard land for hard folk." "Food was scarce, disease was rampant, and life was a daily struggle for survival." "Hell, this was Miss America in 1880." "Holy shit." "To build a home and a life in this harsh, unforgiving country required that a man be bold, fearless, and tough as iron." "The men who were courageous and resilient were the men who prospered." "But some men were just big, giant pussies." "(PANTING)" "Well, well." "Surprised yöu showed up, Stark." "Yeah, well, yöu said yöu would kill my family and burn my house down if I didn't, so..." "Draw." "(ALBERT STUTTERING)" "Is there anything at all that I can say to get yöu to call this off?" "yöu yellow, Stark?" "Oh, okay, well, that's a little racist to our hardworking friends over here from the Far East, right, guys?" "Draw, yöu son of a bitch!" "Look, I just feel like if we can talk this out, yöu know, we can find a calm, rational solution and maybe we even laugh about it one day." "I ain't in the mood to laugh, Stark!" "Look, there's always humor in any..." "Oh, hey, look." "This will make yöu laugh." "Look at our shadows." "It looks like our shadows are about to kiss each other." "Look at that." "Oh, wait, watch this." "Oh, my God, Charlie." "Oh, my God." "Thank yöu!" "This is so generous of yöu." "(CHUCKLING) Oh, wow!" "This is..." "What a terrific guy yöu are." "(SNICKERING)" "We barely know each other, but, hey, when it's right, it's right, huh?" "I'll give yöu a little tap on the hat when I'm good to go, okay?" "Look, we're laughing, right?" "We're laughing now." "What were we even fighting about?" "I can't remember." "Can yöu?" "(CROWD GASPS) yöur goddamn sheep grazed up half my ranch, Stark." "That grass ain't never gonna grow back!" "All right, look." "How about this?" "I'll pay yöu the money yöu lost, okay?" "Just give me two days to sell off a few of my sheep and I'll get yöu the money." "All right." "Just two days." "If I don't have that cash, I'm coming after ya." "Okay, great." "Thank yöu so much for yöur patience." "I really appreciate it." "And what a relief for all these people who came out here hoping that we would find an amicable solution to this, huh?" "Aw, somebody shoot some fucker!" "I took a half-day off work for this!" "Okay, I just want to point out that guy's an English teacher at our school." "(GROANS)" "(ALL GASP)" "Just a little taste." "(CROWD MURMURING)" "ALBERT:" "I mean, that should have been the end of it, right?" "I mean, I tell him I'll pay him off, we go our separate ways, and that's it." "But, no, he shoots me in the fucking leg." "I mean, it's just a graze, but come on, look at that." "(EXHALES DEEPLY)" "What?" "yöu should have fought him." "I should have fought him?" "yöu're serious." "Louise!" "My God!" "The guy is one of the best shots around." "I look like I have Parkinson's next to him." "What is that?" "It's just another way God mysteriously shows that He loves us." "But, look, it would have been suicide to fight that guy." "Albert, I'm breaking up with yöu." "What?" "Yeah." "I'm sorry." "I got shot today." "I know." "Wait, wait, wait." "Hang on a sec." "Louise, where is this coming from?" "Is this because of the gunfight?" "No, I've actually been feeling this way for a while." "yöu're a great guy." "I just..." "I realized that" "I want something else." "Something else?" "Louise, it's been a year and a half!" "Look, I know I'm just a sheep farmer, but I'm saving money..." "Yeah, but yöu're not even a good sheep farmer, Albert." "yöur sheep are everywhere." "The one thing a sheep farmer has to do is keep all of his sheep in one place, all right." "I went to yöur farm the other day, and I saw one in the backyard, three way up on the ridge, two in the pond, and one on the roof." "Okay, that's Bridget, all right?" "She has a problem with retardation, but she's full of love." "Look, we're getting off track here, all right?" "Why don't yöu just tell me what the problem is and then maybe I can fix it?" "Maybe if I were older, the timing would be right." "But people are living to be 35 these days and a girl doesn't have to just go off and get married right away." "I just, I have to..." "I have to work on myself." "Oh, my God." "yöu did not just say that." "What?" ""I have to work on myself."" "Louise, that's the oldest line in the book." "yöu realize that." "yöu know what, it's okay, though." "It's all right." "I know why yöu're saying it." "It's because yöu don't want to tell me that I'm the problem." "(SIGHS)" "Goodbye, Albert." "Goodbye?" "Wait." "Louise." "Louise!" "I love yöu." "I'm sorry." "(MOANING)" "COWBOY:" "Yeah!" "Oh, come on, come on!" "RUTH:" "Yeah, yeah, yeah!" "COWBOY: yöu like me fucking yöu, don't yöu?" "RUTH:" "I do." "It's really terrific." "COWBOY:" "Yeah!" "Oh!" "Ah!" "Yeah!" "RUTH:" "Oh... (MOANING CONTINUES)" "Ah..." "Hi, Edward." "Hi, Millie." "yöu waiting for Ruth?" "Yeah, I got off work early, so I thought I'd take her out for a picnic." "(RUTH SCREAMS) it sounds like she's just about done up there." "RUTH:" "Shoot that dirty cowboy cum all over my face!" "Do I look okay?" "Yeah, yöu look good." "yöu look good." "Oh, good." "Say, Edward, do yöu mind if I ask yöu something?" "Uh, yeah, sure." "yöu're okay with yöur girlfriend screwing 15 different guys every day and getting paid to do it?" "Well, my job sucks, too." "I know." "But, I mean, yöu repair shoes." "(GASPS) Eddie!" "Oh, hi, sweetie." "What are yöu doing here?" "EDWARD:" "Well, I got off work early and I thought we could go for a walk by the stream." "(EXHALES) on." "On..." "Oh, yöur breath is, uh..." "Ooh!" "Ooh." "I had to give a blowjob." "Sorry." "Oh, that's okay." "It's okay." "Here, I got yöu some flowers. (GASPS)" "They're beautiful!" "Yeah, come on." "Don't I have the best boyfriend, Millie?" "Honestly, I have no fucking idea." "Bye!" "Oh, hey, Ruthie, Clyde Hodgkins wanted to come by a little later on." "What did he want?" "I think he wants anal." "Oh, honey, we can afford to get yöu that new belt for church!" "Oh, that would be great!" "I know!" "So, like, 5:30?" "Does that work?" "Ah, that should work." "Yeah." "Well, what time is his appointment?" "Uh, it's really not like a dentist's office here, Edward." "yöu know, he'll just come by when he feels like putting his penis inside an asshole." "Yeah, so we'll just say 5:30." "(BOTH CHUCKLING) Okay." "(BLEATING)" "ALBERT:" "Oh, shit." "(BLEATING)" "(HORSE HUFFS)" "yöu're late." "For what?" "Fair enough." "EDWARD:" "Albert." "Hey, guys." "We heard about Louise." "That's horrible." "We're so sorry, Albert." "Do yöu want to sit down?" "I'm good." "I'm gonna rest my asshole." "I was just looking at these old pictures of me and Louise." "This is from the carnival." "EDWARD:" "Oh, yeah." "ALBERT:" "There's the town picnic." "RUTH:" "Oh." "ALBERT:" "This is the square dance." "I almost wish yöu could smile in photographs." "Louise has such an amazing smile." "That'd be weird." "Huh?" "Have yöu ever smiled in a photograph?" "No, have yöu?" "Oh, God, no." "No, yöu'd look like an insane person." "But, it's just, yöu know, I've been sitting here trying to figure out how the hell" "I could have screwed this up." "I did everything for her." "If she was happy, I was happy." "That's all I cared about." "(SIGHS) And she was the one thing that made the shootings, and the diseases, and the wild animals, and the Indians, and the general depressing awfulness about the West" "bearable. (SIGHS)" "God, I love her so much." "yöu're gonna make me cry." "Let's get fucked up." "Yeah." "(COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING)" "(INDISTINCT CHATTER)" "So, what are yöu gonna do?" "Uh..." "I don't know what I'm gonna do." "Commit suicide, maybe." "Albert, I know everything seems hopeless right now, but I promise yöu, there's so much to live for." "Really?" "ls there?" "What is there to live for on the frontier in 1882?" "Huh?" "Look, let me tell yöu something." "We live in a terrible place and time." "The American West is a disgusting, awful, dirty, dangerous place." "Look around yöu." "Everything out here that's not yöu wants to kill yöu." "Outlaws, angry drunk people, scorned hookers, hungry animals, diseases, major and minor injuries, Indians, the weather." "yöu can get killed just going to the bathroom." "I take my life in my hands every time I walk out to my outhouse." "There's fucking rattlesnakes all in the grass out there." "And even if I make it, yöu know what can kill me?" "Cholera." "yöu know cholera?" "The Black Shit." "The Black Shit." "The latest offering in the frontier's disease-of-the-month club." "And even if yöu survive all those things, yöu know what else can kill yöu?" "The fucking doctor." "The doctor can kill yöu." "I had a cold a couple of years ago." "I went in there." "yöu know what he said to me?" "He goes," ""Oh, yöu need an ear nail."" "A nail in my fucking ear." "That is modern medicine for yöu." ""Yeah, Doc, I have a fever of 102."" ""Oh, yöu need a donkey kickin'."" "yöu know our pastor has shot two people?" "Our pastor." "No, no." "No." "Honest to God." "Shot a guy in a duel and then went back and killed the guy's teenage son because he was afraid he would kill him out of revenge." "Wait, how do yöu know that?" "Because he did a whole fucking sermon about it!" "A lesson about seeing things through." "By the way, look at this." "See those guys over there?" "The guys who work in the silver mines?" "See what they're eating?" "Ribs doused in hot sauce." "They eat hot spicy foods every meal of the day." "Do yöu know why?" "Because their palates are so completely fucking dulled from inhaling poisoned gas, 12 hours a day, down in the mines." "That's all they can taste." "yöu know what that kind of diet does to yöur guts?" "Constipation, cramps, dyspepsia, liver disease, kidney disease, hemorrhoids, bowel inflammation." "They literally die from their own farts." "(PARTS)" "And, oh, oh, yöu want to see more death?" "All we got to do is get up and walk out the front door." "That is our mayor." "He is dead." "He has been lying there, dead, for three days." "No one has done a thing." "Not moved him, not looked into his death, not even replaced him with a temporary appointee." "For the last three days, the highest-ranking official in our town has been a dead guy." "Oh!" "Look at that!" "Look at that!" "Wolves are dragging the body away as if to illustrate my point!" "Bye!" "Bye, Mr. Mayor!" "Bye!" "Have fun becoming wolf shit!" "Bye!" "God!" "That, my friends, is the American West." "A disgusting, awful, dirty cesspool of despair, and fuck all of it." "Why don't yöu shut up?" "yöu shut up!" "Mmm, mmm..." "Ow!" "Ruth." "Jesus Christ." "Stop it." "Okay, fine." "At least have Dr. Harper take a look at it tomorrow." "(LAUGHING SARCASTICALLY)" "If yöu could hear yöurself right now." "yöu know what's gonna happen if I go to Dr. Harper and I say, "Take a look at that"?" "He's gonna say, "Oh, that looks like it hurts." ""Let me give yöu a blue jay to peck out the blood."" "Maybe yöu should..." "I don't know, maybe yöu should try to talk to Louise." "That's a great idea." "Yeah?" "That's the jackpot." "That's the jackpot!" "Huh?" "I still got it!" "Okay." "I have good ideas sometimes." "I didn't mean now!" "Hey, hey, dude, yöu really shouldn't drink and horse." "(GRUNTING)" "No." "No." "No." "No." "No." "No." "(GRUNTING)" "Yeah, there yöu..." "Okay." "(SNORING)" "Okay, Curtis." "Curtis, buddy," "I'm gonna be right back." "I'll be right back, okay?" "Or not!" "(LAUGHS)" "No, that's being too ambitious." "Hey." "Hey." "Albert, what the hell are yöu doing?" "Louise, we need to talk." "It's 1:30 in the morning." "We need to talk." "And we need to talk tonight." "What happened to yöur face?" "I got in a fight with an animal that I could not identify." "Okay, yöu're drunk." "I'm a smucks-dinnin' drunk." "I don't know what yöu want from me, but it's late." "I gotta go." "Louise!" "Louise!" "Louise, please, listen to me." "I love yöu, okay?" "I love yöu." "And I just think if we talked this out that we can get somewhere and fix it." "Look, Albert, yöu gotta go." "I'm sure yöu're right for somebody else, just not for me." "Okay?" "Good night." "Wait, let me just touch yöu." "yöu're being a fucking jerk!" "Okay, I'll talk to yöu tomorrow." "yöu know what?" "I heard yöu fart once." "And it went..." "(IMITATING FART NOISE)" "And it was a sharp one." "A little sharpie poop-toot." "And I heard... (HORSE NEIGHS)" "MAN: yöu know what I'm gonna get with this gold, Plugger?" "yöu know what I'm gonna get yöu?" "I'm gonna get yöu a big old stack of fresh-cut steaks." "(CHUCKLING) I bet yöu'd like that." "(BARKING)" "What?" "What's the matter with..." "Settle down, boy." "(BARKING CONTINUES)" "Come on, boy, hey!" "Quiet down, Plugger!" "Whoa, mule!" "(HORSES NEIGHING)" "Howdy, folks." "Howdy." "What can I do for yöu fellas?" "Well, we're riding through to Sherman Creek." "Be obliged if yöu could tell us the shortest route." "Oh, yeah, I can help yöu with that." "(GRUNTS)" "I got a map right here." "Yes, sir." "Oh." "yöu're on the main road now." "And the main road goes right through Bullhead and straight through to Sherman Creek." "But if yöu want the quickest way," "I'd take Bilbee Pass." "Safer, too." "Less chance of bandits and such." "Thank yöu." "yöu can keep that." "Oh." "Uh, one more thing yöu might do for us." "What's that?" "yöu could show us the gold." "Gold?" "(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)" "I ain't got no gold." "I Wish." "Been prospecting up there, but that stream's about panned out." "Old Plugger and I done give it up." "We're going on back into town." "(CHUCKLES) Aye. yöu see, that's..." "That's just it." "yöu're heading back to town in the middle of the day." "A prospector only does that when he's found gold to sell." "Show it to me." "No, I swear to yöu, mister." "I ain't got no gold." "We're just going into town to get some..." "Whoa, whoa, whoa..." "Hold on, let me think here a minute." "yöu do that." "I might just have a little bit of gold." "Yeah, here it is." "I forgot all about it." "Here, take it." "Pick up yöur gun." "What?" "Well, I'm not just gonna take yöur gold." "That'd be stealing." "yöu know what, old timer?" "We'll shoot for it." "Clinch." "Shut up." "(CLEARS THROAT) yöu just take the gold, okay?" "Only a thief would do that." "Are yöu calling me a thief, old timer?" "No, no, no!" "Then pick up yöur gun." "That's it." "Now point it at me." "We shoot on three." "(GUN CLICKS)" "One." "Two." "God damn it, Clinch!" "yöu didn't have to shoot him!" "I know I didn't have to, sweetheart." "He would've given yöu the gold!" "The point is I had to ask him twice." "I'm a busy man with a schedule." "yöu're a son of a bitch is what yöu are." "(GASPS)" "Don't yöu ever say that to me in front of my men." "A man's wife will respect him." "Now, let's try that again." "Oh, my God, I love yöu." "I'm, like, the luckiest girl ever in the history of girls." "That's it." "Now, mount up." "Hey, Clinch." "Take a look." "yöu'd lose half a day going through Bullhead." "CLINCH: yöu, Enoch and Jordy will ride with me." "We'll take Bilbee Pass to Sherman Creek Trail." "And make no mistake about the kind of heat we're going to draw after we take that stage." "Anna, I'm gonna keep yöu out of harm's way." "Lewis, yöu take Anna and ride east and hole up here in, uh, Old Stump." "yöu got that?" "We'll let things cool for a wee bit and then we'll come for yöu in 12 days." "(URGES HORSE)" "(HORSE NEIGHS)" "(WHIMPERING)" "Come on, boy." "Come on, Plugger." "Come on!" "Yeah!" "Good boy!" "Let's go!" "LEWIS:" "Oh, Jesus Christ!" "(BLEATING)" "Well, look who's up at 2:00 in the afternoon." "(LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY)" "There's still some pig ass and sweet cream there if yöu want it." "(FLY BUZZING)" "I'm gonna use the outhouse." "Um..." "If I die out there, will yöu guys just do me one favor?" "Just once, I want yöu to switch seats." "Fuck off." "Okay.." "Oh." "Ah, Edward, hey." "What's going on?" "Oh, my God." "Albert, yöu look terrible!" "Oh, wow, there's that confidence boost I need." "Thanks a lot." "How yöu doing, buddy?" "Well, honestly, I'm a little worried about yöu." "I haven't seen yöu in town in a week and a half and, yöu know, it seems like yöu're just staying in and sleeping all day." "(STAMMERING) No, I don't stay home all day." "I go out." "yöu know what I did on Tuesday?" "I went out to Charlie Blanche's ranch and I paid him the money I owe him so he won't shoot me in the fucking face." "I did that." "That's going out." "Well, that's not really what I'm talking about. (CHUCKLES)" "Okay, look." "Here's the truth, all right?" "I just feel like I need to stay here with my parents." "They're not gonna be around much longer and I just want to be able to give back all the love and affection that I got growing up." "yöu know?" "Right, guys?" "(FARTS) Ow!" "Oh, yöu getting the fart needles again, Dad?" "Never mind what I'm getting!" "(LAUGHING SARCASTICALLY) I love him so much!" "Albert, I know yöu're taking this breakup really hard, and I understand, but yöu got to get out of this funk." "I mean, yöu haven't shorn yöur sheep in weeks." "(BLEATING)" "Look, yöu don't know what this is like, all right." "With all due respect, yöu have no fucking clue what this is like." "All right?" "yöu're going home every night to yöur girlfriend who loves yöu." "yöu're having sex with her, and yöu..." "Ah..." "No, Ruth and I have..." "We've never done that." "What do yöu mean yöu've... yöu've never had sex with Ruth?" "Yeah." "No, no." "Yeah." "Wait, doesn't she have sex with, like, 10 guys every day at the whorehouse?" "On a slow day, yeah." "But yöu guys have never had sex?" "No." "No, Ruth wants to wait until we get married." "yöu know, she's a Christian and so am I, and we want to save ourselves for our wedding night." "Edward, have yöu..." "Have yöu ever had sex with anyone?" "Well, there was some shit with my uncle, but that was... yöu know, it's really hard to remember all that stuff." "yöu know, yeah, yöu're right." "Things could be a lot worse." "Yeah." "Um, I'll get out, I'll meet some people." "Yeah, thanks." "Okay." "(GEORGE FARTS)" "Ow!" "That came out of my penis!" "EDWARD:" "Man, I see kids everywhere with those stick hoops lately." "I know." "Me, too." "It's got to be bad for their brains, right?" "Yeah, it stunts their attention span." "I read an article in the paper." "Yeah, I saw that." "It's like they lose the power to innovate because they're staring at the stick hoop all day." "Yep.." "Oh, by the way, they're delivering the town's ice shipment today." "yöu want to go watch?" "Oh, yeah, that'd be fun." "Yeah!" "Yeah." "It's always a thrill when yöu get to see that much ice all in one place." "Yeah, I think so, too." "I'm really excited." "Edward, Edward, look, look." "Holy shit." "Fucking Foy." "She told me she didn't want to see anybody." "She told me she had to work on herself." "Look at that." "Oh, my God." "Fucking Foy!" "The owner of the Moustachery." "Oh, look at that." "He's kissing her." "EDWARD:" "He's frenching her." "ALBERT:" "Fucking Foy!" "Maybe yöu should grow a moustache." "No, I can't afford it." "The creams, the waxes, the lotions." "I don't have the money." "Fucking Foy!" "Hey, Albert, maybe we should just go to church." "It'll make yöu feel a lot better." "Church is not gonna..." "Oh, hey, look!" "It's the ice!" "(CHUCKLES)" "Why is it so big?" "So it doesn't melt." "EDWARD;" "Oh." "That's so neat." "I know." "It's actually really interesting how they do it." "It's this one company out in Boston that basically cuts it in big blocks from frozen lakes and ponds, and they just ship it all over the..." "BOTH:" "Oh!" "Oh..." "Oh, my God!" "Oh, my God!" "That went south so fast!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "WILSON:" "And make no mistake, my children." "There shall be swift and righteous justice on all free grazers." "No more shall they nibble wantonly at the teat of our coffers." "And that's just exactly like that part in the Bible that applies to that situation." "I would also like to offer a heartfelt prayer to the family of James Addison, who was killed this morning while unloading the ice shipment." "James, we will think of yöu lovingly this July as we sip the cold summer beverages for which yöu gave yöur life." "(WHISPERING) They're still gonna use the fucking ice." "Now, before we end this morning's service," "I would like to welcome two new members to our community." "Lewis Barnes and his sister, Anna." "They've just moved here to Old Stump and they plan to build a farm." "And we wish them all the luck." "Well, that concludes today's service." "So, may God bless yöu for another week and there is a mountain lion warning in effect." "(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)" "Hi." "Hey, yöu." "So, the fair's coming up..." "Mmm?" "...and I was thinking that we could go dress shopping later." "I was thinking yöu need a new dress." "(GASPS) Something expensive?" "Stupidly expensive!" "Okay. (CHUCKLES)" "Oh, Jesus." "Wow." "Hi, Albert." "Hello." "What's up, kiddo?" "Never seen yöu in here before." "Just browsing." "Yeah." "yöu don't have a moustache, though." "No, I know." "I was thinking about growing one." "I'm sorry, I can't..." "I said I was thinking about growing one." "Oh." "Excuse me, I have to use the powder room." "And just what kind of moustache are yöu looking to grow?" "Um, a big one." "Like one of those ones that goes down along the side of my mouth, and then goes up the edge of my jaw, and then becomes my sideburns, and then becomes my hair." "A Möbius moustache." "Möbius moustache, that's the one." "Yeah." "Um... yöu should know that kind of moustache is a very costly facial accessory." "Yeah, I know that." "Well, yöu're a sheep farmer." "(SCOFFS)" "Let me ask yöu something. yöu feel good about what yöu're doing?" "What exactly am I doing?" "Stealing a guy's girlfriend." "That's what yöu're doing." "yöu feel good about that?" "Hey, Louise dumped yöu, my friend." "It's not my fault she wanted someone with more to offer." "I can give her a lavish home." "Warm blankets, wrapped candies." "Can yöu say the same, Albert?" "Can yöu give Louise wrapped candies?" "yöu know what?" "Fuck yöu, man." "Yeah, that's what she's doing." "(CLICKS TONGUE)" "(SIGHS)" "(INDISTINCT CHATTER)" "Oh, hey, sweetie." "Hi!" "Hi, Mark." "Hey, Ed." "Wow!" "What a long day!" "Oh, what happened?" "Oh, gosh!" "Well, like, this one man wanted me to smoke a cigar and then ash on his balls while I'm jerking him off, and I'm like, "What?" "Can I do all that?"" "(LAUGHING)" "Yeah." "yöu know, uh, Ruth, I've been thinking." "About what?" "Well, I love yöu." "Well, I love yöu, too." "And we've been together for a long time." "Wh..." "What do yöu think about us spending the night together?" "yöu mean having sex?" "Maybe not right away, yöu know?" "We could maybe lie together for the first couple of times and see how it feels, and then go from there." "But, Eddie, we're Christians." "I know we're Christians and I want to do the correct thing in the eyes of the Lord." "But if we really do love each other, don't yöu think God would be okay with it?" "I don't know." "I mean, yöu're talking about pre-marital relations." "Oh!" "yöu've got a little thing right here." "I'll get it." "Oops." "Oopsie." "Thank yöu." "Oh." "That's it, I'm out." "What?" "I'm done." "I'm leaving." "I'm going to San Francisco." "What, are yöu serious?" "Because of Louise?" "Yes, I'm serious." "And, yes, it is because of Louise." "I don't know how I lasted this long." "I hate the frontier, I hate everything in it." "Well, what am I gonna do?" "I'm yöur best friend." "I know." "That's..." "That's why I want yöu to have these." "Albert, these are yöur favorite socks." "Yeah." "And I want yöu to have that." "Edward, this is yöur lucky handkerchief." "Yeah." "It's sticky." "Well, hello to yöu, too!" "James, I found the friendly locals." "(CHUCKLES)" "So he said, "Why don't yöu go blow yöur own horse?"" "(LAUGHS)" "Hey, watch it, pal." "I think yöu owe me a drink, fella." "The hell I do." "yöu best watch where yöu stand." "I don't think yöu heard me." "I'm thirsty." "Then why don't yöu go on down the river and take a dunk?" "Last chance, kid." "(EXHALES)" "(CHUCKUNG)" "(GASPS)" "(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)" "Oh, shit!" "(GRUNTS)" "Albert, hurry!" "Get in position!" "(GRUNTING)" "(GROANING)" "We got our own thing going on over here." "Yeah, nobody needs to get in on this." "We're both getting hurt pretty badly." "(GRUNTING)" "(GROANING)" "Nobody needs to come over here." "This fight is way more violent than yöurs..." "All those other guys' fights." "(GROANING)" "(GRUNTING)" "(GROANING) on!" "yöu actually hit me!" "I'm so sorry." "yöu fucker!" "I put a new move in there." "yöu don't just put a new move in." "That's why we have the meetings." "(GROANING)" "That's where it hurts." "Like, right there." "Like, right underneath my eye." "Yeah, there's a little red spot." "Ow!" "Careful, it's tenden." "(GRUNTING)" "Thank yöu." "Sure." "(GUNSHOT)" "Shit." "Come on." "Whoa!" "(SIGHS)" "Sorry about that." "It's kind of a regular occurrence around here." "Really?" "Yeah." "(BOTH SIGH)" "Hey, pretty fast hands back there." "Oh..." "I guess yöu're a real hero." "Me?" "No, I'm not the hero." "I'm the guy in the crowd making fun of the hero's shirt." "That's who I am." "Oh." "Hey, look who's here." "Who's this?" "This is Plugger." "Hey, Plugger." "So, that..." "That was yöur brother in there, huh?" "Yeah, Lewis." "He's always been a little rambunctious." "Yeah, he seems like a great guy." "I'm Albert, by the way." "Anna." "yöu guys just got into town?" "Yeah." "Welcome to our awesome town." "Thanks." "Lewis and I just came out from Kansas City." "Oh, Kansas." "No, it's in Missouri." "Oh, right." "That's annoying and weird." "We were wanting a change, so we came out to the frontier looking to build a farm." "Oh, that's what I do." "Really?" "Yeah, I got a farm about 2 miles from here." "Oh, cattle?" "Uh, no, sheep." "Oh." "Yep." "Well, that's got to be fulfilling work, though, right?" "Ah, yeah, it's great." "It's like being a dog walker for 150 really stupid dogs." "(LAUGHS)" "ALBERT:" "Oh, shit, Plugger!" "ANNA:" "Oh, my God!" "Plugger, give it to me." "(GROANING) Jesus, what is that?" "It's the mayor." "(GLASS SHATTERS) (WOMAN SCREAMING)" "Oh, shit!" "So, how did yöu guys meet?" "Uh, she moved to town a couple years ago to take over the schoolmarm job." "Our old schoolmarm got her throat slit by a fast-moving tumbleweed." "Oh, my God!" "Yeah." "In front of the kids?" "Oh, yeah." "Yeah." "All of them." "ANNA:" "Let me help yöu." "That is just painful to watch." "And, yöu know, it's like the whole time we were together" "I just remember thinking," ""How can I possibly be this happy?" ""She likes me now," ""but one day, she is gonna figure out" ""that she is too good for me."" "And then one day, she did." "I feel like I finally tricked one girl into falling in love with me and then I lost her." "I think yöu have this whole thing upside down." "I mean, it sounds like yöu've bent over backwards for this girl, but what has she given yöu back?" "I told yöu, she allowed me to be happy in a part of the world that is otherwise a living hell." ""Allowed"?" "Wow." "That's kind of fucked up that yöu would use that word." "yöu know that, right?" "All I know is that there is nothing for me out here if I don't have her." "ANNA:" "Well, if this Foy guy is that much of a douche, she'll figure it out if she's smart." "Sometimes a girl has to get a few assholes out of her system before she realizes what a good guy looks like." "Mmm." "Maybe." "(COUGHING)" "Ah!" "yöu okay?" "(COUGHING) This is actually my first cigarette ever." "(CHUCKLING) Oh, my God." "(GASPS)" "Oh, shit." "Diamondback." "It's a diamondback, yeah." "Fuck." "It's okay, just hold perfectly still, and it'll go away." "Okay, Okay.." "I don't think yöu should leave tomorrow." "At least stay through the weekend." "Isn't the fair on Saturday?" "Oh, fuck that." "I'm not going to the stupid fair." "Louise is gonna be there, and she's gonna be with Foy." "I don't want to put myself through that kind of fucking aggravation." "Yeah, well, I'll go with yöu." "No better way to make yöur ex-girlfriend want yöu back more than to let her see yöu with another girl." "I don't know." "Especially a smoking-hot girl." "When she sees me, she'll be intimidated as fuck." "Oh, yöu're very modest, I see." "I'm a little cocky." "But I got great tits." "(LAUGHING) (RATTLING)" "Oh!" "Sorry." "Sorry, sir." "Sorry, sir." "Sorry, sir." "(HORSE NEIGHING)" "(KEYS JANGLING)" "Barnes, wake up." "Brought yöu a visitor." "yöu stupid son of a bitch." "yöu shot the pastor's son." "yöu realize they're probably gonna hang yöu for this?" "Who gives a fuck what they want?" "When Clinch gets into town, it's not gonna matter what they do." "He'll bust me out and anyone who tries to stop him is gonna be a dead man." "yöu know, one of these days there's gonna be a man who's faster than Clinch and tougher, and stronger." "And then Clinch is gonna be the dead man." "And I'm gonna smoke a fucking cigar to celebrate." "(SCOFFS) I don't think Clinch would like yöu talking about him that way." "Not a nice thing for a man's wife to say aboutherhusband." "Yeah, well, let's see if he gets here before yöu find yöurself at the end of a rope." "Tick-took." "(DOOR CLOSES)" "(SHEEP BLEATING)" "Oh, no, no, no." "No, no, no, no!" "Guys, no, no, no." "Andrew, Jonathan, no." "Go, go, go." "Go home." "(BLEATING)" "Hey, sheep boy." "Hey..." "Jesus, are yöu okay?" "I heard about yöur brother getting arrested." "Yeah, I'm fine." "And listen, Albert." "Don't worry about Lewis, okay?" "Anything that happens to him right now is his own fault." "Got it?" "Yeah." "Whatever yöu say, sure." "Good." "Let's hit this fair, because yöu know what I wanna do?" "Eat hot food in 100-degree weather?" "No, get my picture taken." "I've never done it before." "That's horse shit." "No, it's the truth." "No, that's horse shit." "Whoa!" "Oh, that is horse shit." "Okay." "All right." "Okay, everybody hold still!" "yöu know, supposedly, there's some guy in Texas who smiled one time while he was getting his picture taken." "Shut the fuck up." "Are yöu serious?" "We were just talking about that last week." "Is that true?" "I don't know." "I mean, I heard it somewhere." "I don't know if it's true." "Yeah, it sounds like the kind of bullshit somebody would make up." "Okay." "Everybody hold still." "Oh, my God!" "Holy shit!" "(BOTH SCREAMING)" "Hold still!" "God!" "This fucking fair!" "Every year, something like this happens." "Every year, people die." "Really?" "Every year." "Last year, there were two gunfights, there was a knife fight, a stage collapsed, there was a drowning, and the Indians attacked." "God, why are the Indians always so mad?" "I don't know." "I mean, we're basically splitting this country 50-50 with them." "They're just selfish." "Ladies and gentlemen!" "Step right up, step right up!" "Try a sample of..." "Sir and madam, may I divert yöur attention over here just for a moment?" "Welcome, welcome." "Can I interest yöu in a miracle cure?" "I have only the finest healing tonics and elixirs procured from the farthest corners of the globe." ""Ogden's Celebrated Stomach Bitters."" "Can I just ask, celebrated by who?" "Who's celebrating about stomach bitters?" "God." "Look at the ingredients." ""Cocaine, alcohol, morphine, mercury with chalk."" "What the hell is "mercury with chalk"?" "Science!" "And "red flannel."" "Red flannel?" "There's shirt in here?" "Pieces of shirt." "Okay, thank yöu very much." "Would yöu like to try?" "ALBERT:" "Oh, my God." "ANNA:" "What?" "That's them." "That's them." "(STUTTERING)" "Quick, pretend yöu just said something funny to me." "(LAUGHING) Oh, my God!" "yöu are..." "yöu are so hilarious!" "Where do yöu come up..." "No, shit!" "yöu pretend I said something funny." "Albert, stop." "Stop." "Just introduce me." "Come on." "I'm not gonna introduce yöu..." "Oh, hi!" "Hey." "Uh, Foy and Louise, right?" "Mmm..hmm." "That's right." "Uh, this is Anna." "She's..." "I'm his girlfriend." "She's my girlfriend." "ANNA:" "Mmm..hmm." "She's the new GF." "Big time." "A lot of sexual activity." "All the time." "I live inside her." "So, if yöu want to send me a letter, yöu gotta address it care of her vagina." "Yep.." "I have that skirt." "Oh, yöu do?" "Mmm..hmm." "Yeah, I wore it to the fair, like, two years ago." "But good for yöu for trying to bring it back." "Well, I figure only a complete idiot would throw away a perfectly good thing." "We were gonna go check out the shooting gallery over there." "yöu guys wanna join?" "What?" "Yeah, it'd be fun, right?" "Oh, yes, and let's make things interesting." "A nickel a target." "yöu know, that's actually, uh, a little rich for my blood." "Uh, how about a penny?" "What's the matter, Albert?" "Is business (IMITATING BLEATING) bad?" "(CHUCKLING)" "No, no." "A penny it is." "Good Lord, Albert, yöu're such a "sheepskate." Oh!" "(LAUGHING) Wow!" "On..." "Let's go, Louise." "yöu can "shear" me on." "Oh, no, I didn't!" "LOUISE: yöu're so funny, baby." "FOY:" "Thank yöu." "Shall we?" "(WHISPERING) Come On." "Wait, wait, no, no." "There yöu are, my good man." "Indeed." "Oh, wow." "That seems unnecessary." "What's wrong with ducks or rabbits or something?" "Mmm..hmm." "Six shots, six hits." "Quite the marksman!" "There yöu go, ma'am." "Thank yöu, baby." "(CHUCKLING)" "(BOTH MOANING)" "Care to try?" "yöu got it." "Just breathe." "(CROWD LAUGHING)" "Seems yöu owe me six cents, sheep herder." "Yeah, yeah, I know." "Jesus." "Wait." "Hang on a sec." "yöu wanna make this interesting?" "If I can shoot six out of six on Albert's behalf, yöu owe him a dollar." "If I can't, he owes yöu a dollar." "Wait, what?" "A dollar?" "I've never seen a dollar." "Nobody's got a dollar!" "Let us see the dollar!" "Well, this is interesting." "All right." "Do yöur best, ma'am." "(IMITATING BLEATING)" "How fast can this thing go?" "Oh, yöu can play double or triple speeds, but that's for the experts." "As fast as yöu can." "(CROWD EXCLAIMS)" "Holy shit!" "Congratulations!" "yöu're a winner!" "Thank yöu." "Come on, yöu owe him a dollar." "(CROWD GASPS)" "There it is!" "It's beautiful!" "Take yöur hat off, boy." "That's a dollar bill!" "Well, a man whose girlfriend does his shooting for him." "Isn't that a fine how-do-yöu-do?" "(CROWD LAUGHING)" "I said, "isn't that a fine how-do-yöu-do?"" "(LAUGHING HARDER)" "(LAUGHING SARCASTICALLY)" "(STAMMERING) How is that funny?" "What's funny about that?" ""How do yöu do" is a greeting." "Why is that funny?" "yöu, why are yöu laughing?" "I don't know." "He was laughing." "It seems yöur ex-boyfriend doesn't have a sense of humor." "I can see why yöu dumped him." "Hey!" "yöu wanna back up that attitude, asshole?" "Oh, yöu are kidding." "Never been more serious in my life." "yöu and me, pistols." "yöu wouldn't have a prayer, kiddo." "Tomorrow, 8:00 a.m., sharp." "All right, challenge accepted!" "Oh, gosh." "Tomorrow is bad for me, and I really wanna be there." "Why don't we say a week from today?" "That works for yöu, right, Albert?" "Yeah, yeah, that's fine." "A week from today." "I got sheep stuff I gotta do tomorrow, anyway." "One week." "Come on, Louise." "I'll buy yöu some sugared butter shavings." "(IMITATING BLEATING)" "Oh, shit!" "Wow." "What the fuck did I just do?" "yöu just challenged Foy to a gunfight." "I have no idea what just happened." "(STAMMERING) I was, like, out of my body." "Albert, did yöu see the look on Louise's face?" "No." "Why?" "She was aroused." "She was impressed." "yöu had a fire in yöur belly for a second there, pal." "Bet yöu never showed her that side before." "Yeah, I don't have that side to me." "I honestly don't know what just happened." "Albert, yöu got her attention." "yöu beat this guy at a gunfight," "I bet she thinks twice about dumping yöu." "Anna, I can't be in a gunfight." "What am I, Clinch Leatherwood here?" "I'll get killed!" "Whoa!" "Why would yöu say that?" "Because he's the most vicious gunfighter in the territory, which I am not!" "No, yöu're not Clinch Leatherwood." "yöu're gonna be okay, Albert." "That week I just bought yöu is enough time for me to teach yöu how to shoot." "yöu'll be fine." "Oh, yeah, by the way, that's another thing." "How the fuck can yöu shoot like that?" "Who the hell are yöu?" "My father was a gun maker." "I could shoot a gun before I could walk." "Whatever." "I'm sick to my stomach." "My stomach is in knots." "yöu're worked up, that's what it is." "Let's get a drink." "Come on." "Hey!" "It's our sweet yöung couple." "Could I interest yöu folks in some Wildroot Cream-Oil?" "(CROWD SCREAMING)" "People die at the fair." "ANNA:" "Okay, so yöu're gonna take yöur right thumb, put it all the way to the left." "Cross it over, cradle it right in there, and then just extend it straight through yöur..." "Like that?" "Straight." "Wow, yöu've never fired a gun before." "I..." "I have not." "I own a gun." "No, I fired a gun at the shooting gallery." "Yeah, but those were quarter loads." "These are full loads." "Okay, all right, get ready." "I'm about to shoot a full load at yöur cans." "(LAUGHING) Shut the fuck up and focus." "All right." "Okay." "(SIGHS)" "This is never gonna work." "This is not working." "It's gonna work." "It's gonna work and Louise is gonna come running back to yöu." "How the hell do yöu get these things out?" "(LAUGHING)" "I'm sitting there jerking that thing off." "(SIGHS)" "Hey, why are yöu being so nice to me?" "What do yöu mean?" "Well, I mean, yöu show up out of nowhere." "yöu're this complete anomaly in my world of terribleness out here." "I mean, yöu must have a million better things to do than this." "What, I can't make a new friend?" "yöu sure look like yöu could use one." "I guess." "I mean, I just..." "I just don't know anything about yöu." "Well, can I ask yöu something about yöu?" "Yeah, sure." "Why do yöu love Louise?" "(SIGHS) I mean, take yöur pick." "She's..." "I feel great when I'm with her." "She's classy, she's fun, she's insanely gorgeous." "Hey, no." "Look, she's really pretty, yes." "But honestly, and I'm sorry to say this," "I don't see what else she's got going for her." "My impression was that she was a little sour and self-absorbed." "And for a guy with so much going for him," "I just thought that maybe yöu..." "I don't know what yöu think I have going for me, but... yöu see?" "There yöu go again, just cutting yöurself down." "yöu act like this girl was performing some kind of a charitable act by dating yöu." "Albert, yöu're a catch." "yöu're sweet, yöu're funny, yöu're smart." "yöu've made something of yöurself out here." "yöu know, a lot of people can't say that." "yöu're a good sheep farmer." "Oh, my God, please." "I suck at sheep." "Louise was right." "I can't keep track of them." "There was a sheep in the whorehouse last week." "Really?" "Yeah." "Wandered in there, and then when I went to pick it up, somehow, it had made $20." "(LAUGHING)" "But, yöu know, thank yöu anyway for what yöu said." "Oh, look, the West fucking sucks, but the frontier is not yöur problem." "It's yöu." "yöu need a little confidence boost, my friend." "Now, aim up, sheep boy." "Oh!" "Hey!" "There we go!" "See?" "There!" "All righty." "That's one." "So, all I gotta do is get Foy to let me shoot 16 times before he shoots and then I win!" "yöu're gonna do great, I promise." "Easy." "We're gonna get there." "(GUNSHOT)" "(LAUGHING) Hey!" "Yes!" "(SCREAMING)" "Oh!" "God damn it, Albert!" "No more friends!" "ANNA: yöu know, yöu did great today." "So much better than last week." "And I have a surprise for yöu." "yöu have earned one of Anna Barnes' very special super-super-secret cookies." "Mmm..hmm." "Wait, what is this?" "Mmm..hmm?" "This is a pot..." "This is a pot cookie, isn't it?" "It's a pot cookie." "No, no, no." "No." "I don't do well with that stuff at all." "It's a pot cookie." "Yeah, I know." "No, thank yöu." "Just have a little bit with me." "My worst fear is to OD on a recreational drug." "(STAMMERS) No, thank yöu." "On a pot cookie?" "The last time somebody gave me one of these" "I became convinced that prairie dogs could read my mind." "Just take a little bit." "I'll take a very, very small bite." "Just a small bite." "A very small bite." "That's it." "Are yöu kidding me?" "Nope." "Deadly serious." "(LAUGHING) Let's see what this does and if I don't throw myself off this cliff during some awful freak-out, then..." "Just take that little bit, right there." "Well, now yöu've touched it." "(LAUGHING)" "Take the other side." "There yöu go." "There." "And now, we just wait for the sun to set." "This is really weird." "Is it supposed to be like this?" "(CHUCKLING) yöu gave me the right amount, right?" "yöu don't think I took too much?" "Just ride it out." "This is..." "Wow, my bones are in really deep today." "Like, there's a lot more skin than there usually is." "I think my body is padding up for the winter, which is weird, because it's not winter." "But there's a lot more there." "(ANNA LAUGHING)" "Oh... (SWALLOWING)" "There's something wrong with my swallowing." "This is not how I usually swallow." "(SQUEAKING)" "Oh, my God, Anna, he knows." "What, what, what?" "He knows what we're doing, he knows what this is." "He knows what this is." "I don't wanna..." "No, I don't wanna join." "I don't wanna join up." "Suppertime, yöu lazy prick." "(SNORING)" "Goddamn waste of lungs." "(GRUNTING)" "Who's lazy now, Sheriff?" "(CHUCKLES)" "(FOLK MUSIC PLAYING)" "(CROWD CHEERING)" "(WHOOPING)" "Hey.." "Wow." "yöu look amazing." "And maybe a little uncomfortable." "Oh, shit!" "I'm totally overdressed, aren't I?" "No." "I've never done formal before." "And the lady at the boutique told me to buy this and no one else is wearing this." "(STAMMERS) Who cares what..." "These are all fuckers." "yöu look fantastic." "I look like Jane Austen threw up all over me." "(LAUGHING) yöu do not look like Jane Austen threw..." "No, yöu look absolutely beautiful." "yöu can breathe in that thing, right?" "There's nothing I like more than putting on some loose, baggy clothes, and just being able to relax." "Yeah, this is an end-of-the-workday outfit yöu have on." "I'm very glad I remembered the six items" "I somehow require to hold up my pants." "Oh, yeah." "I like yöur bustle, by the way." "Oh, yeah." "I really love that the most alluring fashion statement a woman can make today is to simulate a fat ass." "That is a simulation of a fat ass, right there." "Thank yöu." "If I was a black guy, this is the meanest trick yöu could play on me." "Because I'd be like, "Oh, my God!" "Look." ""There's a fat ass, my favorite."" "And then I'd lift it up and I'd be like, "Oh, shit, it's a big joke."" "I know, exactly, because when yöu lift it up there's nothing but a metal cage under there." "ALBERT:" "Wow!" "yöu are ready to relieve the stress of the day." "Completely." "(SIGHS)" "Well, at the very least, this will be a good way to spend my last night alive, right?" "Albert." "What?" "Do yöu trust me?" "Yeah, I do." "Good. yöu're gonna be fine." "If I thought yöu were gonna lose this gunfight," "I'd make yöu call it off." "Okay?" "(SIGHS)" "Yeah, okay." "Trust me." "(CROWD CHEERING)" "Hey, how about it for the James Gang?" "Thank yöu." "Hey, hey, it's great to be back here in Old Stump." "Any Indians here tonight?" "How'd yöu get tickets?" "Let me guess." "Scalpers." "But I tell ya, folks, this telegraph machine..." "That thing is nuts." "I mean, sure, it's faster than the Pony Express, but what good is it if yöu can't send a picture of yöur dick?" "(CROWD LAUGHING)" "Okay, they're giving me the lantern." "Enjoy the bison and I hope yöu're enjoying yöur drinks as much as my horse enjoyed making them for yöu." "Now, let's all line up for the sweetheart dance." "Come on, let's go." "No, no, no!" "I suck at dancing." "No one will notice." "How will they not notice?" "Because yöu suck at everything." "Well, Well!" "Hello, there, sheepie." "Hello, Foy." "Hey, Louise." "Hey, Albert." "So, big day tomorrow." "Care for a last dance?" "With yöu?" "No, not with me." "I mean, the dance." "Oh!" "Yeah." "No, yeah, no." "She and I are gonna dance." "And now, to serenade us for the sweetheart dance, our very own Marcus Thornton!" "Shit crowd." "(INAUDIBLE)" "(SIGHS) Ready for weird, stiff, traditional frontier dancing?" "Fuck, yes." "(FOLK MUSIC PLAYING) yöu men who long for love yöu mustn't all despair" "There's a secret yöu should know" "To capture the hearts of the fair yöu may not have the looks yöu may not have the dash" "But yöu'll win yöurself a girl" "If yöu've only got a moustache" "A moustache A moustache" "If yöu've only got a moustache" "yöu may be common folk" "Without a hint of pride" "But yöu needn't be a king" "To make any maiden a bride yöu may not have the name yöu may not have the cash" "But yöu'll make that girl yöur own" "If yöu've only got a moustache" "A moustache" "A moustache If yöu've only got a moustache" "yöu may be big and fat" "Or uglier than sin" "All the ladies shut yöu out yöu're wondering how to get in" "Well, here is my advice For how to make a splash yöu can have yöur pick of gals" "If yöu've only got a moustache" "A moustache A moustache" "If yöu've only got a moustache" "A moustache, a moustache, a moustache" "Big moustache, thick moustache" "My moustache, yöur moustache" "Say the word, the word "moustache"" "A moustache, a moustache" "Now we both have said "moustache"" "A moustache" "A moustache If yöu've only got a moustache" "(CROWD CHEERING)" "Fucking asshole." "How about I steal a bottle of whiskey and we get out of here?" "Love that idea." "I'll be right back." "yöur dick's out." "(TALKING INDISTINCTLY)" "(LAUGHING)" "Hey.." "So, Albert and I are gonna split, but I just wanted to come by and wish yöu luck tomorrow." "Thank yöu." "So, I guess it's kind of weird knowing that a woman can outshoot yöu, huh?" "If yöu don't mind, my girlfriend and I are enjoying each other's company." "Want to know the real kicker, though?" "I can outdrink yöu, too." "That, I can assure yöu, is impossible." "Fifty cents to the winner." "One, two, three." "(GRUNTS) on, shit!" "Don't feel bad." "Alcohol doesn't harmonize well with a woman's frail constitution, anyway." "I guess not." "Here yöu go." "yöu can buy yöur girlfriend a brain." "Excuse me?" "yöu're an idiot." "yöu have the nicest guy in the world throwing himself at yöur feet and here yöu are with this complete asshole." "Who I go out with is my own business." "So, why don't yöu mind yöur own, bitch?" "How are yöu so blind with eyes that big?" "Enjoy yöur night." "(HUFFS) They're not that big." "No, my dear, they're practically Chinese." "God, I love yöu." "I love yöu, too." "(MOANING)" "How's that?" "Ooh. (COUGHING)" "Wow." "(INHALES SHARPLY)" "Um..." "It'll keep us warm, though." "Are yöu cold?" "A little." "Here, take..." "No, no, no!" "It's okay." "No, it's fine." "Here." "This has been in my family for 97 generations." "(SIGHS)" "I can't get that goddamn moustache song out of my head." "Oh, just think of another song." "I can't." "There's only, like, three songs." "Oh, that's true." "And they're all by Stephen Foster." "Yeah." "Mmm." "(SIGHS) Um..." "Hey, yöu know, whatever happens tomorrow," "I just..." "I just want to say thank yöu." "Uh..." "I couldn't have gotten this far without yöu." "And this may be the booze talking, or yöur pep talk, or both, but I think I can do it." "yöu know, I think I can beat him." "Well, I'll tell yöu this, yöu sound a lot more confident than that guy who dragged me out of the saloon not too long ago." "yöu know, it's funny." "I still feel like I don't know anything about yöu after all this time." "And I feel like every time I bring it up, yöu change the subject." "There really isn't that much to tell." "My story is a lot like yöurs, I suppose." "Because I'll tell yöu, I hate the West just as much as yöu do." "Do yöu really?" "For my own reasons, but, yeah." "Oh, I like yöu even more now." "There is something about connecting over mutual hatred that's just so much deeper than mutual love." "It's true, right?" "If two people hate the same things, it creates a bond." "Hate can move mountains." "(LAUGHING) Yes." "Oh, hey, yöu know what?" "Before I forget." "Hey, Bridget, Bridget." "Yeah, she knows." "Come here." "There we go." "(ANNA LAUGHING)" "ANNA:" "Oh, my God." "What is this?" "This is just a little something to say thank yöu." "Albert." "It's nothing huge, it's just..." "Okay, don't get too excited." "What is it?" "What is it?" "What is it?" "Holy shit." "ALBERT: (LAUGHING) I know, right?" "He's smiling." "Yeah." "No, in the picture, he's smiling!" "ALBERT:" "Isn't that amazing?" "I bought that off a peddler who was coming through town last week." "This is the guy I was telling yöu about." "Uh..huh." "I didn't even know this existed." "And apparently, he's not insane." "Bullshit!" "That's what the guy told me." "It takes 30 seconds to take a photograph." "This guy would have had to sit there and smile for 30 sustained seconds." "I know." "I've never been happy for 30 seconds in a row in my life." "No one has." "It's the fucking West!" "He's gotta be insane!" "Who the fuck knows?" "This is incredibly sweet." "(STAMMERING) It's nothing." "It's..." "I owe yöu." "No one's ever done anything like this for me." "Oh, come on, now." "(CHUCKLES)" "Thank yöu." "Uh..." "I'm sorry." "I..." "I shouldn't have done that." "No, it's..." "It's fine." "yöu... yöu've just been a really good friend to me." "That's all." "Yeah." "I, um..." "It's late." "Yeah, I should take yöu home." "(CHUCKLES)" "(GRUNTS) (CHUCKLES)" "Oh, thanks." "Good luck tomorrow." "I'm gonna be there." "Good. (CHUCKLES)" "Okay.." "Um..." "(CLEARS THROAT)" "(CHUCKLES) Good night." "Good night." "(HORSE NEIGHS)" "(CRACKLING)" "Hello?" "(EXCLAIMS)" "What, uh..." "What's that?" "Nothing." "(STUTTERING)" "It's a weather experiment." "Oh." "Great Scott!" "Are yöu sure yöu can't call it off?" "Of course not." "I'd be branded a coward." "Baby, if yöu fight him tomorrow, yöu will kill him." "Yes, that's what happens in a gunfight." "But he's not a bad guy, Foy." "I mean, yeah, he's kind of a loser and he always smells like sheep, but he doesn't deserve to be shot." "Louise!" "My decision is final." "Now, do it." "Hey, I'm really tired." "Louise!" "(MOANING)" "My social stature is significant." "I'm an important man." "I have my own business." "People envy me." "(STOMACH RUMBLING)" "Ooh..." "What's wrong?" "(GROANS)" "Foy!" "Not now!" "(KNOCK ON DOOR)" "Hello, sweetheart." "(MOUTHING) Where's Anna?" "(STOMACH RUMBLING)" "(SIGHS)" "Well, now," "I didn't think yöu'd show, sheepie." "Yeah, listen, Foy..." "Oh..." "Oh." "Oh... (FARTING)" "(GASPING)" "(FARTING)" "(SIGHING)" "(PARTS)" "(PARTS)" "(SIGHS DEEPLY)" "(STRAINING)" "Holy shit. yöu all..." "yöu all done?" "I'm good." "Okay.." "Listen, Foy," "she's all yöurs." "(SIGHS)" "Louise, yöu know, I really do care about yöu." "But, I don't know, somewhere along the line" "I guess I just forgot that a relationship is a two-way street." "And I've been reminded recently of what it's like to have somebody care about me." "And I like it." "So, if yöu want to spend the rest of yöur life with a pussy full of hair," "I say, go with God and best of luck to yöu." "yöu know, I just realized that last joke might not have been clear." "I didn't mean that she has a hairy pussy." "I meant that Foy has a moustache, so, yöu know, he gets hair in her when he goes down there." "Yeah." "(IMITATING GUNFIRE)" "I got it." "Anna?" "Coward." "Thank yöu." "She's not there." "Well, I'm sure she's okay." "I don't understand." "We've been prepping for this gunfight for a week." "She wouldn't just not show up." "Hey, do yöu..." "Do yöu think yöu guys are gonna have sex?" "Uh..." "Maybe, at some point." "I don't know." "Well, when yöu do, let us know because maybe we can make it an all-us-friends thing." "yöu know, we can all get in sync together, sexually." "Edward, we are not having sex." "Sorry." "Ruth!" "Let's fuck!" "Coming!" "(CHUCKLING) She keeps my head on straight." "(WHISPERING) Clinch Leatherwood." "Great." "Look at this." "Another thing that can kill us." "We should all just wear coffins as clothes." "Shh." "Somebody in this wee shithole of a town is going to die." "One of my boys saw a man kissing my wife last night." "I want to know who it was." "Oh, man!" "Somebody's gonna get fucked up." "Now, yöu all seem like good folk." "And good folk know better than to take what isn't theirs." "And this..." "(WHISTLES)" "This is mine." "So, I'm going to ask one more time." "Who was it?" "Mmm?" "Who?" "(CROWD GASPS)" "Now, yöu make sure he gets this message." "Either he meets me outside in the main thoroughfare at noon tomorrow or I start killing more people." "All right?" "(SCOFFS)" "Albert, yöu gotta get out of here." "(HORSE NEIGHS)" "(HUFFS)" "Boys, there's an abandoned sod house back around that bend." "We'll stash the gold there." "Ben, yöu take the men and set up camp." "I need some alone time with my wife." "Got it, Clinch." "Let's go, boys." "Come on!" "Go on, get down." "(GROANS)" "Who was it?" "Huh?" "Mark Twain." "What?" "Is it?" "Jesus." "How fucking stupid are yöu?" "Whoa!" "Whoa!" "Whoa!" "Who?" "(EXHALING)" "I'm not gonna ask yöu again." "Who?" "Okay, it's..." "It's Sheriff Brady." "But please, please, please." "I'm begging yöu." "Don't hurt him, okay?" "After all the lovely years we've been together yöu think I don't know when yöu're lying?" "I'm not." "(BARKING)" "Plugger." "Tell me who it is or Plugger gets plugged between his pretty eyes." "Come on, Clinch." "yöu think I'm joking?" "Whoa!" "Whoa!" "Whoa!" "Okay, okay, okay." "Who?" "(SIGHS)" "It's Albert Stark." "Albert Stark." "That's better." "I've been keeping it nice and soft." "See?" "(MOANING)" "Mmm!" "I've missed yöu, baby." "Oh, I've missed yöu a lot." "(COUGHS)" "The longer the ride, the lonelier a man gets." "And he needs the comforting touch of the woman he loves to soothe his tired bones." "And now, I'm here, yöu're here, and we have time to be husband and wife." "The proper way." "Hey, asshole." "(GRUNTS)" "(HUFFS)" "(GRUNTS)" "Oh, shit." "I can't leave him like that." "That's better." "(HORSE APPROACHING)" "(POUNDING ON DOOR)" "ANNA:" "Albert?" "Albert!" "Albert, yöu gotta get out of here." "Yeah, that's..." "That's what I'm doing." "No, no, no." "Like, right now." "Clinch is gonna be looking for yöu." "Yeah, I'm leaving." "Uh, I'm going to San Francisco." "Just what I should have done a week ago." "I'm so sorry." "Yeah, well, yöu know, so am I." "What about yöur dad?" "I asked him if he wanted to come, and he said no." "He's up on the hill, burying himself next to Mom." "Look, I never meant to mislead..." "Okay, yöu know what, Anna?" "Don't even waste my time, okay?" "Don't even waste my time." "yöu had a million opportunities to tell me, and yöu just fucking lied." "I didn't lie." "What would yöu call it?" "yöu're married to the most vicious killer in the territory." "yöu don't think maybe that's something yöu should have told me?" "I didn't tell yöu because I was trying to protect yöu." "Oh, bullshit!" "yöu were looking out for yöur own self-interest." "And because I liked yöu." "I didn't want to scare yöu away." "I never thought I'd meet someone like yöu, Albert." "What, somebody who hasn't killed people?" "Somebody like that?" "Yeah, that's really hard to find." "That's why women are always going," ""Oh, my God." "Why are all the non-murderers taken?"" "Hey." "It's not my fault, all right?" "We were married when I was nine." "Nine?" "(SCOFFS)" "How does that even work?" "Was there a ceremony?" "Yeah, of course there was a..." "My parents were there, and a couple of neighbors." "I just didn't want to end up like one of those 15-year-old spinsters, yöu know?" "yöu know, I don't even know..." "I don't even know why I'm surprised." "Every girl that lever fall in love with ends up disappointing me." "And every time, I'm surprised." "yöu love me?" "Oh, yöu know what?" "I'm over it. yöu can go." "All right." "I lied, fine." "What was I supposed to say, Albert?" "Tell me." "Was I supposed to go, "Oh hi, I'm Anna!" ""I've been fucking a killer since I was 10"?" "Oh, he waited a year?" "What a gentleman." "Well, late nine." "I rounded it up." "It doesn't matter." "I'm done with him." "I knocked him out, and I stuck a daisy in his asshole." "yöu what?" "That's how much yöu mean to me." "yöu know," "I loved a girl who doesn't even exist." "Is yöur name even Anna?" "Huh?" "Or is it something terrible, like Gwendolyn?" "My name is Anna." "I'm that same girl yöu fell in love with." "That was the real me." "Possibly for the first time in my entire life." "I just didn't think I deserved a good guy." "But yöu know what?" "I do." "I love yöu." "(SHEEP BLEATING)" "(HORSES APPROACHING)" "It's Clinch." "Oh, shit." "There's a trail out back that leads out to the ridge." "Go." "He's gonna kill..." "Anna, just go!" "Albert, he always shoots on "two."" "(BLEATING)" "(HORSE NEIGHS)" "(HUFFS)" "Enoch, Jordy, look after the horses." "He ain't here, Clinch." "Oh, he's around." "He's around." "Stark!" "I know yöu're here, Stark!" "Ben, check the outhouse." "Lewis, the shed." "(BLEATING)" "(GASPING)" "(GUN COCKS)" "Lewis." "Sometime this week, yeah?" "Sorry, boss." "(GUN COCKS)" "(BLEATING)" "Hey!" "There he goes!" "Boss!" "Shit." "Get him!" "(HORSE NEIGHING)" "Hyah!" "(TRAIN HORN BLOWS)" "(GRUNTING)" "(TRAIN HORN BLOWS)" "Hyah!" "Ha!" "(TRAIN HORN BLOWING)" "(HORSE NEIGHS)" "(HUFFS)" "What in the hell do we do now?" "He'll be back." "Ah, Curtis." "That was exceptional, buddy." "I tell yöu, when we get out of this, I'm gonna get yöu some horse whores." "Sound good?" "Get yöu whatever yöu want." "Can even get yöu a cow, if yöu want one of those." "Want to fuck a cow?" "yöu seem like a pretty sexually adventurous guy." "(BREATHING HEAVILY)" "Now, how the fuck do yöu make a fire?" "EDWARD:" "Are yöu sure yöu want to do this?" "RUTH:" "Yes, I'm absolutely sure." "EDWARD:" "Wow, I can't believe we're actually gonna have sex. (CHUCKLES)" "RUTH:" "Eddie, with Clinch Leatherwood in town, we could all die tomorrow." "So, under the circumstances," "I think God will forgive us." "Okay, here we go." "Are yöu excited?" "Yeah, this is my first vagina." "yöu've never seen one?" "No." "I feel like I should have a piece of cake or something." "Okay, yöu ready?" "Yeah." "Okay." "(SOFTLY) Okay." "What?" "Are yöu in pain right now?" "yöu don't like it." "No, I love it!" "Yeah, yeah, it's just..." "(CHUCKLING)" "It looks like a firecracker wrapped in roast beef." "Yeah, but there's more to it." "That's just the outside." "There's folds." "Okay!" "I'm gonna close the Bible now." "Eddie, it's supposed to be like that." "It is?" "It's gonna feel good." "(CHUCKLES)" "I'm really glad I didn't have that piece of cake." "(BOTH LAUGHING)" "Oh, okay." "Okay, ready?" "This is gonna be good." "yöu're gonna like this." "EDWARD:" "Okay, easy, now." "Sorry." "This is..." "Yeah." "Wow." "Okay, is that..." "Right there?" "RUTH:" "Yeah." "EDWARD:" "Sure, okay." "Wow." "(MOANING)" "Okay, I get it." "It's pretty big, right?" "RUTH:" "Yeah, yöu're huge!" "EDWARD:" "No, I meant yöu." "(KNOCK ON DOOR)" "(GRUNTS)" "Anna!" "Ruth, can I come in?" "Sure." "(WHISPERING) Clinch is out there." "He's coming up the stairs!" "Shit!" "Please don't shoot us on sex night." "(GASPS)" "yöu and I have a problem." "(BREATHING DEEPLY)" "(GASPS)" "Oh, shit." "(IN NATIVE LANGUAGE)" "(BREATHING HEAVILY)" "(IN NATIVE LANGUAGE)" "(SIGHS)" "(PEOPLE MURMURING)" "(TALKING INDISTINCTLY)" "(SIGHS)" "It's coming." "I see it, I see it." "(BABY COOING)" "It's a boy, Mr. Stark." "All right." "Well, don't yöu want to come hold the baby?" "Fuck off." "Now, yöu put that under yöur pillow and the tooth fairy will leave yöu a penny." "(BIRDS CHIRPING)" "(GASPS)" "There ain't no tooth fairy, idiot!" "Now, clean up that horse shit!" "Class, please welcome our graduation speaker," "President Abraham Lincoln." "Hiya, shmucks!" "Four score and seven years ago," "I was broke, just like yöu." "But now, I'm the president and I'm so fucking rich." "I can have all the licorice I want." "I don't think that's the real President Lincoln." "ALBERT:" "Hey, Louise!" "Louise, check out this cool bike I got!" "Hey, yöu want to go down to the... (SCREAMING) Oh, shit!" "(WOMEN SCREAMING) No!" "Sorry!" "Sorry!" "(SCREAMING CONTINUES)" "No, no, no!" "(CLAMORING)" "Stop!" "Get back here!" "Shit, not again." "Get that son of a bitch!" "(ALL SHOUTING)" "(GROANING)" "ANNA: yöu're an idiot." "How can yöu be so blind with eyes that big?" "They're not that big." "(SCREAMING)" "FOY:" "Pardon me, Albert." "(PANTING)" "The lads and I have prepared something special for yöu." "(FOLK MUSIC PLAYING) yöu may not have the looks yöu may not have the dash" "But yöu'll win yöurself a girl" "If yöu've only got a moustache" "A moustache A moustache" "If yöu've only got a moustache" "We are the guardians of the future." "Enter when ready." "(HISSES) (GASPS)" "(LOUD THUD)" "(SCREECHING)" "Stark!" "(SHRIEKING)" "(GASPING)" "(IN NATIVE LANGUAGE)" "(SIGHS)" "(ANNA GRUNTS)" "(BARKS)" "All right, sweetheart." "Let's find out if yöur wee boyfriend gives a shit about yöu." "He's got six minutes till noon." "And if he doesn't show, he'll be picking up pieces of yöu all over the street." "Stark!" "Oh, look who's here." "(GROANS)" "Let her go, Clinch." "Well, now, true love conquers all, doesn't it, sweetheart?" "Let her go, and let's yöu and me just settle this like adults." "(LAUGHING)" "Lewis, Ben." "Come and take this whore." "Albert." "Don't be stupid, Albert!" "Get out of here!" "Get out of here!" "Too late for that." "He's already been stupid." "Haven't yöu, Albert?" "yöu've been with my wife." "Well, we haven't actually done it, if that makes any kind of a difference." "Okay, look, look, look." "Here's my idea, okay?" "yöu're a pretty tough guy, yeah?" "Why don't yöu prove it?" "Gunfight. yöu and me." "Right here." "Right now." "(CHUCKLES) yöu really do have a death wish, don't yöu?" "Yeah, I guess yöu'll have to find that out, huh?" "Uh..huh." "Take out yöur gun." "Point it at me." "(SOFTLY) No." "Good boy." "Now, we shoot on three." "One." "(GASPS)" "(LAUGHING)" "(GROANS)" "(WHIMPERS)" "I've been playing cards a long time and I would never have bet on that, Stark." "Where'd yöu learn to shoot?" "yöur wife." "Oh, snap!" "Holy fuck." "Okay, look, look, look!" "Before yöu kill me, just grant me a few last words." "All right?" "Make it quick." "Let Anna live." "All right?" "Let her live." "This is not her fault." "I kissed her, she didn't kiss me, all right?" "It's not her fault." "I mean, she didn't tell me she was married, so it's a little bit her fault, I guess." "So, yeah, I guess that's kind of true." "So, maybe just shoot her in the arm." "What the..." "And one more thing." "Um, my grandparents were Arabic." "So, I'm required by Muslim tradition to recite the Islamic death chant immediately before dying." "This will only take a moment." "(CHANTING)" "(CREAKS)" "Hey, what's the matter, Clinch?" "yöu not feeling well?" "yöu okay, boss?" "What's happening to me?" "yöu know, there are a million ways to die in the West, Clinch." "There's, uh, famine, disease, gunfights." "And, uh, wild animals." "yöu know, like snakes." "And, yöu know, the funny thing is, yöu don't even have to get bitten." "All yöu need is a little bit of the venom introduced into yöur bloodstream and yöu're pretty much screwed." "For example, if yöu drain a certain amount of venom from the fangs of a diamondback rattler into a hollow-tip bullet, yöu really only need one shot." "Now, I knew my aim wasn't good enough to hit yöu anywhere important." "But if I caught yöu by surprise..." "Well, Anna taught me just enough to get me in the ballpark." "And just a small amount of venom in an open wound is enough to kill a man if he's..." "RUTH:" "Albert." "He's dead." "yöu did it." "Oh." "Yeah." "Did he hear all that smart stuff I did?" "Uh..." "No." "No, I don't think so." "Oh." "Well, it was still good, though." "Yeah, it was great." "I thought it was really good." "(GRUNTING)" "(GROANS IN PAIN)" "MAN:" "Stop!" "Albert!" "I'm really horny right now." "(GIGGLING)" "Let's go in the shade and fuck." "(MURMURING)" "Well done, sheep boy." "(SIGHS) Hey, sorry I killed yöur husband." "Oh, God." "That was never gonna work out anyway." "He's Methodist, I'm half-Jewish." "(LAUGHING) Are yöu?" "yöu are?" "No!" "Oh, thank God!" "yöu're not really Arabic, are yöu?" "No, no, no." "Oh, thank God." "Because I was like, "Ah, kill me!"" "I know, right?" ""No!" "Oh, my God!"" "No, we're fine." "We're okay." "LOUISE:" "Albert!" "Hey, Louise." "Hey." "Listen, if yöu want to..." "If yöu want to talk about things, I would like that." "I mean, I could come by yöur place, like, later tonight." "yöu know, uh, Louise, I would, but I really gotta go home and work on myself." "ANNA:" "So, yöu killed Clinch Leatherwood, the deadliest gunman on the frontier." "Yeah, I guess I did, huh?" "(BARKS)" "ANNA: yöu know, there's probably gonna be some reward money." "ALBERT: yöu know, I didn't think about that." "ANNA:" "What are yöu gonna do?" ""Hope You've Liked  Enjoyed The Movie"" "Copyright from ecOtOne™" "Step right up, folks." "Step right up!" "Who wants to take a gander at the shooting gallery?" "DJANGO:" "I'll take a shot." "(CROWD GASPS)" "People die at the fair." "(COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING)" "Copyright from ecOtOne™" "DJANGO:" "What the fuck?" "Somebody bring me one of them white women." "Copyright from ecOtOne™"