"Until one day..." "Artist, in theory." "Waitress in practice." "And now, [several voices] I'm looking for..." "I'm looking for [repeats]" "They have four eyes" "They have two mouths" "They have eight limbs that wrap around themselves in narcissistic self adoration." "It's disgusting," "and I can't help but envy them." "[Arin has had sex with 3 people]" "It was really short, and not long enough for me to get anything out of it." "It just confirmed for me what I've really always known about myself." "I was telling everyone I met that it was so sad how no one in my entire life had ever given me a lily" "Well, he left a lily on my doorstep which was... nice." "And I have this rule that if I have sex with somebody well... they have to eat my pussy." "And he tells me that he promised his mom that he wouldn't have oral sex without protection." "He confessed that he hadn't had sex in 3 years which explains a lot" "I don't know..." "It was weird." "Well... actually, uh... he was still a virgin" "I guess he thought it was gross that I was pregant eventually I just told him that I didn't even know if I was pregnant so, we went ahead... which actually consisted of him messing around with... uh... messing around with the condom for about 5 minutes" "and then it lasted maybe 15 seconds and David and Johnny were still denying that Sarah was their baby and I was still waiting for Shawny to get out of the army because we had made all these plans to move in with each other... so that's what I did." "But... yeah... with Arin, I mean, that was it." "I just moved in with Arin because" "I had been kicked out of my apartment." "[cat fighting meows] I'm 5 foot 8, 123 pounds, blond hair, blue eyes" "I won the "Stahl Star" award in 2nd grade and again in 5th grade." "By 7th grade I had convinced my parents to send me to modeling school where I learned to look and feel like a model," "I went on to get a BFA in painting, and then I moved to this lovely city where I currently reside, pursuing an artist career." "You have bread, right ?" "Yup." "You have cheese ?" "Yeah." "Well ?" "[ Fuck me ]" "[ Blow me ]" "Sorry, working?" "No, I'm finished." "Thousands of dollars wasted on art school." "Christine!" "I love you!" "Because your energy warms me, you're brave, I love your courage." "Because you make me understand that things can be better in my life, and it's something we can grow with." "I love you because you make me smile, because you make me passionate, because I make you passionate." "I think you and I have what it takes to make a success of this, so that's what I propose to you, that's what I want to put on the table." "Christine, will you marry me?" "Christine, will you marry me?" "I love you Christine, I love you Christine, I love you Christine," "Christine, marry me." "Christine!" "Will you marry me!" "Hi there, my name is Carla Bond, and I was interested in you perhaps filming my wedding, uhm listen I have a friend who is doing a little project, a video project, uhm, it's my parents 40th wedding anniversary," "I am throwing a birthday party, for my little baby, my doggy, a video project, I want to get a DVD, so it's more about who is going to see you and your work than it is about the money," "call me back at nine one seven, three, zero, four, zero, three, 91285, very soon, that would be really great," "Thanks." "What's that?" "Just something I'm trying to work on." "Whose legs are those?" "I borrowed them from a friend." "I thought you were working on wedding videos." "I'm on a break." "It's out of focus." "It's actually a rack focus." "A what?" "A rack focus." "Oh." "Wear that, that's my pussy shirt." "[ What's up ]" "[You seem to have a good attitude, where do you live, lets exchange a few more pics if you have any, I think i might find you hot, Arin]" "[random female voices speaking]" "[ SENT : 112 ]" "[ IN BOX : 0 ]" "You seem to have a good attitude, where do you live, let's exchange a few more pics if you have any, I think I might find you hot." "I don't have any other pictures I can send," "Besides, i don't want to waste a bunch of time getting to know people through the Internet anymore." "It doesn't work." "I work the overnight in a restaurant called Tri" "You should just stop by" "Hey!" "Can I help you?" "I'm that guy from the Internet" "No..." "No..." "Well, thanks for stopping by." "Yeah I'll see you around sometime." "Yeah, okay" "[ Dear Daughter, do you have a career plan yet, ] [ are you going to go to Grad school?" "]" "[ Move home for a bit?" "!" "]" "[ Our new kitten would be thrilled for more company!" "]" "[ Love, Mom and Dad ]" "[ DEAR ARTIST, COME TO STUDIO VERMONT, ]" "[ PLAY VIDEO ]" "Studio Vermont Residency." "My friends lover died and left him this farmhouse which we have since knocked down and we created the main hall and we decided hey, lets create a home where people could create outside of all the chaos of the city" "a lot of people think that they can go to work and work their 9 to 5 and come home and throw some paint on a canvas and that's art, it's not." "Car horns, noise, sounds, static, chaos, it's impossible to create with that environment." "Suzanne has a lot of shame, uh, regarding some issues with her father." "We are going to work through those things." "I'm glad you're here." "I'm glad to be here." "Let's go..." "We'll see you next week." "3,2,1." "Again!" "Some of the magentas, come down here and get some magenta." "My whole life I doubted everything." "Right into the canvas!" "Put it into the canvas." "It's your mother!" "I doubted every creative impulse, and what I try to do here is honor every impulse that every one of the artists has." "What do you see in the dark, I need words." "no but It's hurts." "Words." "I see freedom." "FREEDOM!" "See!" "It works every time." "look what we have, freedom." "It never fails, never fails." "We always get results here." "He's come such a long way, you can't even believe it." "What we try to do here is get the artist to love their work, we give them space to create, new space to create new ideas, new thoughts." "Whether it's modern art, expressionism, post modernism, what I hope is that your truth is in there somewhere." "love it, be careful of the orifice here that you've created," "At Studio Vermont we provide a blank canvas for the mind, completely blank, where you can create from your core." "Come join our haven." "[Come to Studio Vermont. 1 month artist program ]" "And then I said come in and he comes in with his lab coat on." "Right and like he's pretending he's a doctor and he comes over to the bed and I'm in bed and he's like what seems to be the problem, and I'm like who are you and he's like, doctor Butler, and I'm like Oh my god." "This beautiful like red velvet thing." "I said "honey please can have that?" "please let me fuck you with this thing on" and he's like "okay you know I'll get it for you."" "So he's like..." "So he's like 'you're expensive'," "Maybe have an affair." "Do you think I should" "I do." "With women." "Did you love Hawaii?" "I had a great time and you know on these assignments everything is paid for, your treated like royalty" "You lucky duck, you lucky duck, excuse me we're ready to order!" "So what do you think we should do, should we get the mac and cheese and split it and then maybe get a salad," "I have a show tomorrow so I have to eat kind of light," "Let's just get one salad and split it, get two separate plates" "Uhmm, oh yeah that's okay" "Can you put the blue cheese on just hers." "I want butter though." "Can you do one half no butter and one half with." "Oh, sure," "I'm sure the can," "It's not that hard." "Are you mocking me?" "[ INBOX: 1 ] [stop by my work ]" "I'm taking a shit at this girls work, oh, man, this was a bad idea." "I'm getting a migraine." "[ Subject: stalking Susan ]" "Dear Stalker," "It's exciting knowing that you could at any moment be watching me." "It feels like there a reason to be more aware and paying attention to what's around me." "I think we should meet." "Those pictures, wow." "I know." "I mean getting them was really exciting it must have been for you to... yeah, you know I mean... it's really just, exciting..." "A typical date at this point wouldn't do justice to the stalking experience." "We need to think of an another unique scenario," "something challenging." "[anti-date ]" "I think it'd be really cool to not have a typical date." "What if we made a rule to not speak." "Let's just avoid the whole larynx exercise." "Do you like movies?" "I like movies." "Have you seen Schizopolis?" "Yeah that was cool." "What kind of music do you like." "All kinds" "Do you like sports." "Not really" "Me neither" "And still meet up," "wherever, and communicate in any other medium as long as it's not speaking" "and just see what happens." "[ So why ]" "[ So why did you move to New York?" "]" "[ In college the people around me were really into nature ]" "[ But I was bored and wanted to be challenged. ]" "[ Living in Italy was totally inspiring. ]" "[ made a ton of drawings ]" "[ After high school I decided to focus on music. ]" "[ But I took the band more seriously than they did. ]" "Hey Ladies if anyone would like to fuck me I'll be over at the bar after the show." "[ Then I started a production company. ]" "We should turn the warehouse into a video production studio." "And we could shoot that music video for your band." "[ But we ended up having to work on crappy projects for money. ]" "I felt like I had to get out of California." "You can't leave, what am I supposed to do about these ten wedding videos?" "Arin No!" "You're not taking computers." "[ I wanted to find people with more ambition. ]" "[ But I feel like I still haven't made any progress. ]" "[ Ricky's Bar Mitzvah ]" "Whoa, you got the projector working." "Hi, I'm Susan." "It's a pleasure, it's a real pleasure." "Likewise." "Banana or yogurt snack?" "[ from:" "Susan It was cool not talking to you ]" "[ From:" "Crumley Arin can we do that again?" "]" "[ from:" "Susan ..." "lets... ] [ googling:" "STD ]" "[ DISTRICT HEALTH CENTER ]" "[ I went to a free clinic ]" "I met this girl, we hung out, and we watched a movie, and I only had sex with three girls before." "That looks like folliculitis." "Nothing to worry about." "Think of it as your skin reacting to unfamiliar body fluids." "Just leave it alone." "It will go away." "Although, one of the bumps did look a little different." "Meaning?" "Wait here the nurse will do a scrape test." "Under the microscope that bump looked herpetic." "Herpetic?" "Okay!" "I have herpes!" "Listen the test isn't 100 percent." "I mean it could be Herpes 1 or Herpes 2." "What's the difference, okay?" "What's the fucking difference?" "!" "the difference okay Herpes 1, it's very common, 90 percent of the population has it in their blood, so do you ever get cold sores?" "Yeah." "There you go, you have it." "Herpes 1?" "!" "Herpes 1 usually is on the mouth but can spread to the genitals." "Herpes 2 is usually in the genitals but it can spread to the mouth." "There is no difference except Herpes 2 is believed to increase a woman's chance of cervical cancer and Herpes 2 is much more infamous." "She would've told me if she had this!" "Maybe she has the virus but has never had an outbreak, or maybe she didn't notice if she did, or maybe she just failed to mention it, that happens all the time, or maybe you had a cold sore at one point and gave this to yourself." "Great!" "I have herpes!" "Listen this is not the end of the world, it's just a skin virus, what is with you people, you act like your life is over, If you want, you can spend a bunch of money on a blood test to confirm." "Confirm!" ", This isn't conclusive." "Listen, to me, I said, under the microscope it looks herpetic." "That could mean anything." "Okay, what does it likely mean." "You have herpes." "[ I'm clean ]" "[ Have you ever had unprotected sex ] [ yes but I've been tested ]" "[ I think we should be Platonic ]" "[ accepted ]" "[ From Crumley Arin where are you. can we meet." "[ message deleted ]" "Hey boss" "(We hang out, had an awesome time seemed to loose interest" "what do you think, Susan?" "After school we talked about moving to Kentucky together and... having a life there... maybe buying a farm or..." "I don't know!" "Then she went to Europe, she said." "(I did a lot of bad things, though)" "I broke her door down... and... furniture in her apartment" "There was this one time I bashed my Gibson on the fucking stage." "I'm never gonna hurt you again." "pieces everywhere..." "I got a new guitar." "Same as this one." "I just wanted to love you. you know?" "!" "I'm in such a better place now!" "OOOooaaaghh!" " and I'm getting better!" "I hit you in the arm, you fucking bitch, you fuck!" "We must take our angry feelings and we must turn them into light." "Fucking cunt!" "because if we can do that everything else -- everything else just kind of falls into place one day at a time." "Simple." "Easy does it." "I was her first, she was my first." "We were everything." "You get that intense." "There's no going back." "I mean, that--that was our love letter." "How much more romantic can you get than a restraining order?" "Restraining order!" "Top of the page, big print." "Means you really don't talk to me about having sex any more until you've had your sex on your English teacher's desk after school." "You know, people talk!" "Sex in the middle of the gym." "People say things." "Sex behind your best friend's house." "And those crazy sons-of-bitches, they say crazy things." "You travel somewhere too fast, and don't have anywhere else to go" "Her parents didn't like me even before I hit her." "But that's the way that we loved each other." "They just had a problem with me." "That's love!" "And yes ..." "I beat her up." "Split her hip ... gave her a black eye." "Vandalized her parents' cars, vandalized her car." "Caused like three thousand dollars worth of damage." "Did you love her?" "Restrain me?" "You're going to try to restrain me?" "I'll restrain you." "I'll strain you." "Yeah." "You see you can love someone like that?" "restrain you!" "It's too strong." "It was intense." "Restrain you!" "Order you." "Restraining order." "That's right!" "That's me." "Here's your studio!" "Number One." "(voice on phone) Clinic -- yes, we do blood testing." "(door opens) Susan!" "You can -- ah -- come on back." "(reads) Play this tape." "Thanks for ... getting a test." "So you're in Vermont." "How's that going?" "So ..." "I finally started something but I think it kind of sucks." "I'm keeping busy until some better ideas hit." "They're really big here on like focusing here on raising your awareness and your consciousness and you know, putting me in touch with my infinite possibilities." "I'm going to learn to express from my core." "While I'm here, I'm going to do the book, The Artist's Way, that my mom bought for me last Christmas." "I've already started writing three pages in the morning to empty the contents of my mind" "Paint from--paint from the spray cans is going to drip into the water colors." "Pencil drawings will be layered on top, which will be whited out and spray-painted over once again." "And then I'll draw, in marker, on top of it once it's dried." "When I burn the edges, it's going to make it say that my art is full of decay and that I'm finished." "We don't just have fears for no reason at all." "You have them because you should legitimately be afraid." "People are naturally afraid of heights because you really can fall and die." "I'm not trying to accuse you, I just " " I don't know." "This is crazy, but I have this weird idea that there's people out there and it can't possibly be you, but that there are people that have something -- and there's some sort of weird spite to the world -- purposely give that to others." "I'm not saying that that is you, I'm just looking for information to show that it's not " "I was wondering if you could tell me honestly if you've had any symptoms recently or ever." "Because I really find it hard to believe that you have never had anything weird -- whatsoever strange -- happen down there, at all!" "I don't feel accused except for the fact that I'm obviously being accused." "And no, I don't have any symptoms and I'll get my test results back in a couple weeks." "I think -- it's probably pretty obvious to say this, but I don't think we should have had sex." "At the time, of course." "Right." "I was thinking -- we shouldn't have sex." "Right!" "I mean -- that's why I was so surprised when you hopped on top of me." "You asked me to have sex." "In that note." "Is this a joke?" "I have the note right here." "Oral comma condom question mark." "I was asking if you wanted to have oral sex with a condom." "I thought you were giving me options." "I mean, I've never heard of oral sex with a condom." "I thought you meant oral sex or sex with a condom." "I opted for something I thought we would both enjoy." "I've never had sex with somebody more than once because it just goes so bad," "I think they they are just, um, ready to move on " "That's what blew me away about being with you is that for once, it was an experience." "It was an event that was like a major breakthrough, for me." "I didn't want to not tell you what I was going through -- you know, I didn't want to just -- be experiencing that and just create a blockade rather than confronting you and -- it was better than just never speaking to you again, in my mind." "Full Disclosure Presentation for Arin" "God!" "I really have to think about it." "Okay, there's not someone since" "Jason, Rob, Vincent, Mark, Jay, Chris, Steve -- agh!" "Let's see." "Claudio." "The bus boy at work, but at least that was protected." "There's a whole slew of people I just can't totally remember." "The kid in my painting class -- the there was a friend of a friend-- then I got tested around that time, and everything was fine." "But still." "If someone says they got something from me, then maybe they did." "Now, it just seems like such a ridiculous thing that I didn't insist every time I had sex with somebody that we were going to use condoms." "But I honestly just didn't feel comfortable asking." "So I just didn't ask." "I'm getting my test results back soon." "Will let you know what's up. " " Susan" "I'll make you think this is weird." "Not this." "This is definitely weird." "But why do I still smell you?" "Even though you're like in -- three states away, or whatever." "It's almost like my B.O. smells like you." "Now." "I noticed that ever since we were together." "Would that be, like, a scientific " " I mean, can there be a reason behind that?" "Or -- is it just my imagination?" "Or -- did your smell somehow actually get left behind?" "It seems pretty strange to me." "I made a copy of some video editing software that you can check out." "And I've also written out some instructions that should help you get up to speed." "I came here to find out if I was an artist." "I didn't create from my core." "I didn't stay in my truth." "I didn't make mixed media drawings." "I didn't paint." "I didn't draw." "Given free time to do with which whatever I want, I've done nothing." " scream " "I am not an artist." " laughs " "I have no future." "Can you steam my broccoli with no olive oil and no butter?" "Can I have a baked potato instead of mashed potatoes?" "Can I get that with fat-free dressing?" "Can I please substitute --?" "Can I get that with cheese?" "Do you have Harvey's?" "Can I get creme brulee?" "No substitutions!" "It used to be on the menu." "Can I see --?" "Grilled cheese. -- with chicken." "How much --. -- switch to fries." "Can I get greens instead of fries?" "I don't know what to say." "This is the problem talking." "You know, you never get to say the things -- that you want to say   and then, when you get the chance to say it, words are not enough." "So you just lock up." "You don't say anything." "That's when you hear sounds -- or worse, you don't, you hear just, like, some filler   something to take up the space." "Fill in the gap that's there because you don't know how to say what you really want to say." "Probably it can't be said." "What I'm really trying to say is:" "I like you." "I haf ze good news of ze test back from the Herpes Two, and I no haf Herpes Two." "C L E A N" "On one level, time here in Vermont is flying by." "But on another, it's like time is moving so slow waiting to see you." "If you appeared magically before me,right now, it wouldn't be soon enough." "Could you bring the catsup over?" "No problem." "Thanks." "You're welcome." "My feet are cold." "My feet are cold." "No offense but can you shut up!" "I don't need another boyfriend who controls me, and this no-talking thing is just a device to" "I don't want to be controlled, or harassed into modes of thinking in my analytical process " "If you think of having to do things analytically, and getting confused by other people's thoughts " "I'm sick of your imposing your thoughts and beliefs on me." "I'm sick of your reasons for wanting me to keep writing, that you've avoiding me, and trying to control me, and you don't trust me." "What are you trying to prevent?" "What are you trying to protect yourself from?" "Why don't you want to find out more about me?" "Why don't you want to get to know me?" "What are you afraid of?" "Who are you trying to protect yourself from?" "Why don't you want to know me better?" "Why won't you talk to me?" "Why don't you trust me?" "don't discover tired of falling" "stupid medio crity" "It ran out!" "You're not going to say anything!" "(crying) What I was trying to say to you -- what I was trying -- (shouts)" "(weeping) I don't want " " Stop!" "Crying!" "Listen to me!" "Listen (weeping) Listen to me!" "(shouting) Listen to what I'm trying to tell you!" "No!" "Jesus." "I mean, okay." "Obviously we should talk." "Of course." "Right?" "Talk." "You know when this was in storage the rats must have gotten into it." "I do tend to try to exist maybe through the video camera -- but for processing things in life through artistic mediums," "I'd rather look at it that way." "We can use these creative lubricants to help us find out who we're trying to be." "Why should we be dealing with who we've been, you know?" "That's pretty much irrelevant, you know " "I just feel like you're -- canning that experience." "You're just stopping it dead in its tracks only because maybe you're discovering things that you don't want to discover, through our communication " " I created this version of you and any of the blanks I just assumed were pleasant." "and I really feel bad about saying this, but it's starting to be very apparent that they're not, you know?" "And if we start talking, it's just a matter of time before all that stuff comes out." "Let's be honest with ourselves, it's going to end -- you know -- it's just a question of how." "You know." "How our story ends." "And -- it just seems before that happens we should try to experience more, learn more from each other." "I guess you're not ready for this." "I don't want to ruin what we have, you know?" "It sounds like you're into this experiment and into this process but you're not really into me." "Well, you either click or you don't" "I feel like my childhood left me with some serious abandonment issues." "I'm really smart." "I have a great tight pussy." "I can make lasagna." "I guess because I've never felt that I wsa beautiful, I would like him to think I was." "I don't have any idea just " " I feel so lost." "I want a man to say " " I love you." "I'm going to say something." "I'm going to film it." "We've all all the writing " " Go all the way!" " and the drawings and all the video -- to make this into something." "Isn't this crazy?" "I don't think we should even ask ourselves questions like that." "There's sort of like this compulsive nature to our relationship" "for it to be in creation." "I'm not interested in arriving anywhere." "I'm interested in the process of getting there." "we solve our problems " " I don't think anybody brings out in me what -- the hell is wrong with you except you -- honest" "it gets really fucked up sometimes -- we are --faith in a relationship -- on the same page with you -- no discussion -- you say jump" "I say how high " " I don't know what's going on inside my head -- it's the difficulty of executing this project it's kind it's feeling very familial -- part of the question is -- qo you want to do?" "" " I don't know if I want to -- let's not fight " " I want to be" "I just want to say that --that's the big question -- it would be a lot easier than trying to make it work." "Well, congratulations!" "You've been selected for one of twelve narrative feature spots" "How long have you been working on this film?" "A year. " " Oh, congratulations." "I do just now and then kind of like lean off into this kind of question of " "What's happening?" "What do you think is happening?" "There's never an end." "You resolve -- a nice day." "There's too many fucking weird little things to say to say we're ever sorry " "As if there's no fucking other shit!" "Do you understand what it feels like?" " such an asshole!" "Damn it!" "Damn it!" "Damn it!" "I'm just making a decision on my own but it hurts!" "I hate it so much." "Is this the part where we grow old together?" "I can't believe we're doing this." "This is it!" "This is it!" "Owooo!" "Owooo!" "What will " " You're not going to say anything more?" "What do you want to get this " " I am totally " " I want to stop being so pissed off." "Well, I am compli -- listen, Arin." "And just be natural, be present " "Lean in." "Y'know -- come on in." "Yeah, okay." "So less --." "Yes." "Like that." "That's good." "I'll just fucking do it." "Like I don't" " Without all that." "And " " I'm talking to you right now." "I will do whatever it takes to get this stupid fucking intro out there." "All right?" "Okay." "So what do you want said?" "Let's discuss that so that it's crystal clear." "Are we going to be able to fix this relationship?" "Are we going to be able to " "fall in love again?"