"PORTRAIT" "Maria of the O unlucky gipsy you 're having everything you want to laugh and even the eyes hurt from so much suffering dam money because of it you left your true gipsy love punishment from God, the cross that you carry on your neck Maria O" "coins for your whim, and to shine on your body handcrafted garments the moon that asks you the moon that gives you" "I 've never been happy you know, in my whole life because of life circumstances because of my way of being," "because I always understood things in a way that they are not because in life you have to be bad to succeed in life but if a person is honest and hard working that person is worth nothing," "she is worth nothing" "always working and cleaning the shit of other people, that is all I did" "always I did what other people said because life was like that" "I lived with my grandmother (your mother?" ") no, my mother was serving" "I always lived with her." "She brought me up, and my grandfather because my sister was brought up by my aunt ana and my brother was with my father in Jaén" "but who brouth me up was my grandmother" "I didn 't my dad until I was grown up, my mother took us to see him" "(but why?" ") because he was there with another woman he stayed with Paquita until he died They had two daughters, Mari and Rosi" "my father was a republican, they came for him and he escaped then Paquita hid him" "Paquitás father had a bakery and in the oven hid my father they couldn 't find him, there he stayed hidden, nobody knew where he was" "he had escaped but nobody knew where he was" "(why did they look for him?" ") because he was a republican, to shoot him" "I have only seen my father three times, with my age" "I have not made contact with him, I didn 't go there." "Aunt Dolores went he had olives, chick peas, Aunt Dolores went there and got staff but I never went for anything" "What effort was I going to make?" "I was working and he was there and I was in Barcelona" "each one of us had our lives" "I couldn 't do anything else I only work, work, work, work" "what happened was that, there was necessity and so you had to work so I didn 't have a childhood, I didn 't have an adolescence because I had to work all my life and always to give to my family" "sure, I was eight years old more or less because we didn 't have enouth to eat my grandfather had died and he was who made the things to sell so I went to work as nanny and they gave me the food" "my grandmother had asked and they told that I could go there to work" "my father with help built the house, a house without doors or aything the floor in the house was of earth" "the water we took it from a ditch we put it in big clay jars and vessels and we let it settle, after a number of days we drank the water" "and for light we only had paraffin lamps" "in those years my father worked from morning until late at night and then at night he only ate a tomato and onion salad if there was something he managed to get it was for us" "and I went everyday to wait for him at his house and he had milk and toasts he used to drink a glass of milk this big" "when he drank it felt as if the milk went down my throat and it made glug," "he took some toasts to school and whatever was leftover he gave it to me and everyday I looked for him Juanito was his name" "with my father I couldn 't talk, he was short of words,uneducated" "I am not very educated because I am not he had lived in a time.... and you couldn 't explain to him your problems or anything everything I explained to my mother for example if we were joking at home when my father arrived jokes ended" "well, I mean I don 't know I imagined they loved each other" "They had been marry for many years my mother was an open person and my father a closed one when there was need of doing my mother did, not my father" "they lived together well I think they loved each other of course it 's not the same to love someone when you get marry or when you ' re 30 or 40 or when you ' re 50 or 60" "Iove is different the same your mother and I now isn 't the same as when I got marry or when I was 30 or 40 things, now, are different but...." "I love her and I think she loves me too at that time people used to put up alot with each other women 's life was very determined by men my father went out and wouldn 't bother to take my mum anywhere" "he would go the pub, to play cards and my mum would stay home or go to the cinema with my brother or with me, she liked cinema a lot" "they did not go out holding hands they were a marriage of those times" "I think marriage is one of the most difficult objectives for a person" "(why?" ") because you have to live with another person that is not me that person isn 't the same as you it 's totally different to us and you have to adjust to her, and she has to adjust to you" "she has many faults, we all have faults, we all have qualities marriage is very difficult, it is a mutual understanding between two people not easy... marriage is a constant survival experience day by day" "but if two people can 't live together it 's best to separate but now people don 't put up with things that we did before maybe because of the culture that people have today" "but before people think of divorce...., they should think twice and not just because they have an argument they get divorced things must be thought out carefully it 's a very big and definitive step" "don 't think complete happiness exists it 's two people together and love there are normal problems if they' re not serious I don 't think is a problem simply, they' re two different personalities and opinions" "and each one has their way of thinking, it 's a complement you need to have patience and compromise, we all have faults" "well the only thing I know that she has, is that... she goes to the psychiatrist because she says she has problems of that" "I don 't know that she maybe losses a bit her memory, things like that... maybe it happens sometimes and she doesn 't remember things well the doctor gives her a treatment but I don 't think is anything serious" "it's just because of her age and the hardship she went through in her life" "(so the psychiatrist is because of her memory?" ")" "I think so (you don 't know why?" ")" "it is what I think but she takes other pills for her blood circulation and other things" "her blood doesn 't circulate well, her hands feel numb, it means that..... (but for that you don 't go to the psychiatrist?" ") no, ( why do you go?" ")" "when she goes to the specialist I think she goes for that (the circulation?" ")" "(because of the circulation?" ") no, the circulation is another thing," "well I think she has had all type of moments some quite happy but because of her personality it has also been very hard for her" "but I think that......" "she has been quite happy" "(and now you thinks she is happy?" ") now as well, she has her moments because she has so many depressions no depressions, illnesses, no illnesses she has health problems and when she doesn 't feel good, she's not ok" "she has not serious problems..." "family problems." "She has not... the only thing is that she thinks alot about her son that he isn 't here we remember you always, it is rare the day we don 't talk about you and our thoughts are always for you" "I don 't ask her if she is happy." "I ask about how she is feeling?" "." "Are you ok?" "I don 't ask if she is happy." "I take an interest on how she feels" "(do you say I love you, does she?" ")no,no (have you said them?" ") Yes in the past years ago, but now we don 't but I don 't think is necessary even though it wouldn 't do any harm but I don 't think is necessary" "I don 't think so because I take it as if we had said it" "years ago, well, maybe last time we said it it was about 3 or 4 years ago when mum was at the village, we spoke on the phone and we said it but normally we don 't use those words" "with the cries of my soul, with a whisper, my God" "like a small rose taken by the wind my heart is being threshed but in this springtime night hope comes to say this night of sad bitterness, how sad and dark I don 't know where it goes tower of sand where my tender love came to harvest" "tower of sand where my life began night without moon, river without water, flower without scent everything is a lie, everything is a lie everything is the outcome of my pain with the cries that the wind carries, with a wishper, oh help me God!" "like a small rose taken by the wind my heart is being threshed" "like a springtime rose and in the hope I come to take but in this night sad and dark, how sad and dark!" "." "I don 't know where it goes tower of sand that my tender love came to harvest tower of sand where my life began night without moon, river without water, flower without scent" "It came saying my child!" "It came saying goodbye and goodbye" "get up, open the windows, clean the house, cook, wash, you have to....... you can 't do anything...., I love to do like your father, he goes for a walk," "he comes from buying the bread and goes out again then, he watches TV he watches the things on TV and me, his servant, as always when the food is on the table I say" now you can come to eat"" "he goes back to his armchair." "I clean everything, when I finnish I am tired" "everyday I wash well the bathroom the bath I wash when I take a bath when I go in the bath I take the everything to wash it, a cloth, before getting out, inside the bath I wash the tiles, and the bath" "I clean under the beds, and the dust I clean everyday on the proper cleaning day I wash the floorwith soup, on my knees," "the bathrrom you must clean everyday and the kitchen too, the rest no......" "I go alone to a place but because I go with Jesus never happened to me" "I 've had this thing that is not religion that is something in yourself because I don 't have anyone, all I have is him so I talk to him about my things, it 's not the same when a person has someone on whom they can rely on" "I cannot talk to anyone because noone understand me, what for?" "..and if I go to see Jesus, I can talk until I am fed up and I come back relaxed a person that even though doesn 't talk back...you think I am crazy...... to me that time that I express myself.I relax, what I can 't do with anyone else" "do you think I can talk to your father?" "we only say hello, goodbye... that 's it" "your dad is like this:" "he only goes where it suits him only if it suits him and no because he needs to all my life I have done things because it was necessary no because it suits me and if it 's necessary I do them" "if I have to cook a meal, I will do it with cold shakes, fever, whatever, so he can eat" "do you understand?" "mum is very nervous, she likes things tidy and I suffer for that because when I do something I don 't do it how she likes and I try but very rarely I do it how she likes" "bad, how am I going to feel?" "." "When I see that she doesn 't like what I do" "because I try my best to do how she likes and then she feels that I haven 't so then I suffer because of that.... she has lots of virtues, she cooks very good, she manages a house very well" "and she 's a woman that tries not to waste anything without spending more than necessary spend what is necessary for her, for me and for the house" "her obsession with the house is her biggest defect we have to worry about it but not up to the point that she worries" "she wants to have everything perfect, sure butwe don 't have to over do it she thinks she does things better than anyone else does." "That 's not right." "when I do somenting, I am always thinking of her more than myself well that 's it!" "are you going to make a film of this rubbish?" "to deal with me you need to know how.... and to understand me and no that it 's only me who has always to shut up and put up" "because that 's what made me explode" "and that in life every one can say things like they are but your dad says to me to stick the truth up my arse that 's all he says because he only says lies and I am how I am and he is how he is" "I have a lot of anxiety and angst if I go down the road I walk fast otherwise, and always I have to.... this is because the life I have lived and like nobody has understood me" "because doctor Medina told me so so, all of that has piled up, until that..... people depress me a lot and that people don 't take care of things when there is so much need in this world.Things are to be taken care of" "money is the same." "It is to be spent on useful things if I buy a dress I handwash it, hang it I take care of it and it lasts for years that dress in that photograph is 16 years old and it looks completely new" "and in the summer I use it alot because is cool." "I take care a lot of everything." "It must be that it has been so hard to earn any money" "I had to wash so many rough marble foorswith sand, and cold water these fingers bled heavily." "The chill blains appeared here, and on the ears they bled heavily. so it must be that it has been so hard to earn money that when I see people wasting it....... because I buy some furniture, I take care of itand it stays new" "It depresses me how people are I feel things deeply but keep to myself when I see that people are so selfish when I see that people are only motivated for their selfish interests." "if a person is not honest that person has no value, even if they are rich no matter if they multimillionaire, they can keepall their millions" "to me that is very important" "if I had the power of Jesus I would take the ambition of people 's minds, if not to have more humanity and these businessmen so rich how do they dare to steal more?" "those millions are to be used to make jobs among the working class, so that everyone has a job for in this life we are only passing through and who has money they must do that so that everybody can live with dignity" "so they have a house, food to eat to go out and to dress their children" "no, no, I think is going to be dehumanising the technical progress I believe that is going to be dehumanising it's going to be terrible, terrible what we were talking before. people try... people discover new things but then they do not apply them correctly" "it 's always to make profit and... this thing about the oppression in the world, for me is never going to end never, not now, not ever" "and he was so little in life so little that nothing he was he had so little that he didn 't even have a mother who loved him he was just a sad amateur playing for his love among locked bulls, there he went..." "like "Attila" said: "wherevermy horse goes the grass will not grow again"" "and that 's what mankind do wherever they go we are destructive by nature wherever we go we leave our shit behind and we don 't think that others will come after us," "like missionaries went to other culturesto oppress them so, I think that human beings are the worst animal on earth" "any other irrational animal on earth I believe is better than human beings always unsatisfied and trying to satisfy ourselves at the cost of others" "I feel that life has gone by and I haven 't lived now I think about it" "I have been alive but I haven 't lived" "( you mean?" ") that I haven 't enjoy my childhood and after either because I 've had a personality that I have sacrified a lot for others.... and nobody has understoood me" "if they don 't understand you why should I bother to speak?" "I do not need much." "For me it 's important things that aren 't for others maybe for some people is important to eat a good meal, not for me." "I eat a boiled potato and I am the happiest person in the world now, that is if I am at home and things are tidy and clean but if things are dirty and untidy I prefer to be dead." "That is how I am" "people don 't understand, they give importance to other things to me chicken or potato is the same." "I have a potato with oil and I am happy but everything ihas to be clean." "Because it makes me sick" "look I have never been diplomatic." "I have always had very bad temper if I see that something is one way but someone wants me to believe different" "well, that I would argue, well, well...." "like when I am right and someone else says I am lying" "I have always been a big rebel and sometimes I have had a bad temper after I get angry and say everything." "After I repent many things I say after I repent of many things I say with your mother I have arguments, Each one has their personality" "I recognize that sometimes I say things to her that I shouldn 't say after it goes away." "I don 't do it with bad intentions." "It is just the moment..." "I see that I am right and I am capable of... well, sometimes I have had a very bad temper" "I feel offended and I explode, say barbarities that I shouldn 't say after I repent but in that moment I cannot control it and I say things now, I will try to control me and not say those things... and lose control" "I lose control but without any bad outcomes, simply..." "It 's just bad for me, that I get offended, I get angry." "because sometimes I think that if I am right.... if I am right, why do you have to make me see that is a lie when is true" "I can 't stand that" "I say that I am silly." "If I thought about it before and reflect about it...... by your side, by your side always next to you, next to you until I die of love since you were a child you swore your love to me." "And it has to be until I die" "by your side, by your side always next to you, next to you until I die of love since you were a child you swore your love to me." "And it has to be until I die you did not come by my door you did not go though my window you did not sing by my side you did not sing by my side by your side, by your side always next to you, next to you" "until I die of love" "simple, your mother borrowed the wedding dress from some friends that I had..." "the girl had married before us... she lent us her dress so we wouldn 't have to buy it." "After we gave it back." "as I said they lent her the dress." "I bought a suit." "I went to the church where I lived because she didn 't have residence." "she came diretly from the house where she was serving but we went to the church that was near my house" "there we signed the papers." "They ask for some things, papers and so we marry in that church when we finish, the bride 's bouquet, we offered it to my mum at cemetery" "we have arranged for a meal after the wedding.We only the closest family your mother's mum, and the rest were my family, my father, my brothers" "and one or two nephews, sons of my brother." "In total we were thirteen" "yeah.. because his mother had died he needed to get marry he was not going to be ietf on the shelf" "so then I said "ok, let 's get marry"" "I went on working nine days after." "I didn 't go anywhere or anything... it is like when I got married I had a great dissapointment." "I thought that men with women were like my granddad was with grandmo my granddad never shout to my grandmother my granddad never said to my grandmo why don 't you this or that," "he would help her by filling up the jars with water so she would have water... and my granddad never... always helping her, after his work with such tenderness he treated her." "I got married and I was dissapointed my husband was the opposite." "He would shout for everything," "" you have to..." as if I was his servant." "I never saw with my grandparents so I have never been happy in life" "I don 't know we went... we were happy to be near each other we were at home...always with the illusion to buy things for the house" "and working and saving money to be able to do whatever we liked" "simply, with the illusion that we had to do things with...... by compromising with one another.... yeah, for me sure......for me those years were very good." "After as well.." "marriage at first is a very different love, it is a beginning, and after... at first is a beginning and then, after, is different. after....... you are with a person all the time." "Each day you love her more but....." "No I can 't." "That is very difficult." "Well, I have been happy when I got married" "I mean, I think one of the happiest times was when I was engaged ...engaged with your mum." "And when I got marry and when I had a son... for me has been the most important." "Everything else has been ordinary" "nana nanita my child, sleep and don 't be sad." "I will give you my tenderness because I am a good mother" "my life is very ordinary." "It 's just a life like millions and millions of people a daily fight for work, to buy things,to be next to the person that loves you ...but I mean, it is something ordinary something normal without much relevance of any type" "normal and..... nothing else." "I don 't have any kind of virtues" "oh!" "." "When you were born you were beautiful." "So sweet, so beautiful you were the most beautiful child that there was" "I dressed you in white and people used to say " there comes the prince"" "I didn 't have help." "I worked outside, at home, take care of the child... whilst he was a baby I didn 't work because I had to take care of him." "he was nervous, he would make me nervous and I would make him as well." "I had such an anxiety, that anxiety I would pass them on to him" "I wanted to do lots of things at the sametime to be with the child... but it was not possible..." "there was not washing machine you make lots of wee and poo because you ate a lot and you were very strong you never got tired!" "." "I would play with you but you wouldn 't get tired of course!" "." "I had to cook, wash, then there was not washing machine had to handwash the clothes, iron, feed the child, wash the child,... and sometimes up to three times... you shout so much because you would get angry if I went to cook" "" that I have to cook, we have to eat, your father is coming to eat! "" "and you say "no!" ", play with me!"" "...and you cried fo that." "You wanted me to play, that I played with you nothing of cooking, washing, hanging the clothes, nothing... you did the opposite." "To do something I had to tell you the opposite... if I didn 't want you to go to the street or in the street I would see.." ""Oy!" ", that boy is going to hit him with a stick!"." ""carlos!" "get out of the side of that boy!" "." "He is going to hit you with the stick!"" "you would not move" "I would say " carlos move in front of him!", then you would move out,  and like you were so nervous!" ".. with bycicle you had to go on the most difficult places you always had to go towards piles of earth..." ""carlos!" "don 't put the bicycle there!"." "You had to put it there... other times..your mother..." "eh!" ", you were a child and... there were some piles of earth, and you would through yourself down you wouldn 't think about the danger, you were a child and wouldn 't think... once you got a cut on your forehead, and lots of blood came out  you couldn 't stay calm for a minute, always moving... with one thing or the other...." "... and my intention has always been that you learn  that you knew, that you went to school and wouldn 't waste your time..." "I even took you to learn Catalán.." "because I could see it coming we still were under Franco 's regime  but I could see it coming." "It was going to be necessary  to learn Catalán here and to integrate yourself in the society.  but you didn 't like it much  and you wouldn 't be that interested in Catalán... but I would really want you to learn, to study.  that you study a career that you liked, that you would evolved.... that you studied and you knew.  more than me, because I didn 't  ok, what do you want me to tell you?" "... ... well, on the whole ok (what do you mean?" ")" "... eh... because she is she is a woman that  sex is not important for her ... not important at all  absolutely not important... if she desn 't do it better than if she does" "(doesn 't enjoy it?" ")." "At first yeah, but after she wouldn 't feel anything... (and you?" ")." "I am different... (you misss it?" ")." "No, well.. sometimes  now less than before... because... because as the time passes you miss it less  I mean it's not a big trauma for me if I do it more or less..." ".... there would be times that I would go into two cinemas  not always  but in a cinema with two films, and then I would into another one... and I would wacht four films..." "well..." "I see it that has to do with escaping the monotony of life." "... escape during one, two or three hours ... escape from the monotony" "the monotony of going to work, and from work to home and like that continuously do you understand?" "and you would have a good time and evade ... things.." "like I explain to you the other day  you say that ordinary things are the most important ones, ok, but I... but I do not go to the cinema to see something I see everyday" "I want something that entertains, something, even though it is fantasy... even though it 's fantasy..." "I want something that but not to see something I see every day to see something of beggars, or of necessities and that... sure that is the reality of life" "but I don 't go to the cinema to see reality of life, reality I see everyday." "I don 't have any friends... what do you want me to say?" "I know some people at the retire home, but I don 't have enough friendsyhip and what 's more each one of us have our way of being and our routine, and I dont ' try either" "and depending on who it was I might prefer to go out alone" "... everything I do it feels ok going for a walk..." "I don 't know." "I don 't have antything especial" "happy, I don 't know... happy, that word is very hard, to say happy" "I don 't know who is happy nowdays in life very difficult that, but I am all right" "I believe in God Father All Powerful, creator of heaven and earth" "I believe in God Father All Powerful, creator of heaven and earth" "I believe in Jesus Christ, his only son." "Our sir who was conceived by grace and work of the Holy Ghost born of Saint Virgin Mary and suffered under the power of Poncio Pilato crucified, dead and bury." "He went to hell and resuscitated at the third day he went to heaven and he 's sitting at the right of God Father All Powerful from there he must come to judge to the alive and the dead" "I believe in the Holy Ghost, in the Saint Catholic Apostolic, Romanic Church communion Saints, forgiveness to the sinners, salvation of the flesh, amen" "that goes from hand to hand and nobody keeps it" "Serrana that you are to be" "like the false coin that goes from hand to hand and nobody keeps it" "Serrana that you are to be" "like the false coin that goes from hand to hand and nobody keeps it that goes from hand to hand and nobody keeps it" "... no he goes to the pensioners, what 's more I prefer to go alone he doesn 't like to see anything he doesn 't like to see the nativity scenes, they make such beutiful ones." "they have such a skill at doing them, that you don 't realize!" "... where I see that there are queues I don 't wait because I cannot be standing up for very long but I go for a walk." "I go into a church and when there are no queues I go to see them" "I like to see the shopwindows." "I like to see everything" "I go in the Corte Ingles and go to see what they have" ""and if you ' re not going to buy anything"." "With him I cannot go because he doesn 't like anything and he is not interested in anything he only likes the retire home and like I say "to smell of elderly I stay at home"" "that I am more comfortable at home, I can strech my legs." "That is how I am comfortable with my legs stretch my knee and my leg rests that is how I am ok" "sometimes I don 't go out because I have cleaned hard and I am tired so I lie down for a while in the sofa, there it 's warm and nice other times, I watch a film while sewing, and I am happier than anyone" "... yeah friendships, but sincere friendships, because I don 't like... (but if you don 't try?" ") yeah, but you need to have time but now, like your aunt is coming to Seville to live" "now with your aunt, but I don 't like to go out with my sister because your aunt only tells me sad things... and I go out with her because she is my sister she only tells you about her." "She won 'tever ask me how I feel." "she won 't... it is like when we moved in here." "Nobody came to help myself alone I had to do it don 't you think that she came." "She was in the Isla Cristina (beach)  when you went to live to London it was a big sorrow because we wanted you to stay here, that you would develop here that you study here a career, with our help" "we felt very sorry because we wanted you here, that you study here you would have developed here." "We Would have helped you,like everybodoy that was our illusion" "but after, like in all things, one ends up getting used to everything and so I got used to it and I thought "if that is what he wants"" "... he knows best... meanwhile it 's for good, if that is what he wants, we have to accept it and after that one adapts and gets used to it" "now what we want is that you have a good health but in the rest we will do for you everything necessary" "we will do for you what we have done so far, and more if possible" "no, I wouldn 't change anything." "I would do the same thing." "the same what am I gong to change?" "." "I got on with you and I was happy that 's it no?" "..." "I can 't change..." "I don 't think there is anything else.." "about...about my silly life ... or to have been learning to paint or to decorate to a place where I could have got som culture and have learnt something if I can read is because where I was serving there were good libraries" "used to read until late in bed with a candle so the Lady would not see me because when I was a child I did not have books when I was eight years old I was working" "and I have always lived with great sadness and pity because I have never been able to do what I liked" "I was cheerful but life made me sad" "I thought that in life people were like me if I can do something for someone I have always done it but I would not do it because they gave me anything" "I would do it because that person needed something" "... nobody understood me, only my grandmother, my mother didn 't either for me has always been very important to have a clean bed because I have always been very sensitive to smells and if i said that they would laugh at me and that make me sad" "to me a bad smell gives me a headache and my grandmother understood that that 's why my grandmother made a room just for me" "the blanket and everything very clean, she knew that was important to me more important than having a dress or... that for me wasn 't important" "my mother didn 't listen. "Mum this stinks!" "." "Oh come on it doesn 't!"." "she didn 't pay much attention" "You didn 't understood either, nobody, only my grandmother and that Lady because you and your father didn 't care that I like something tidy" "and that is in me, you undertand you didn 't think it was important I had to go tidying up after you and you didn 't notice that I was exhausted from working instead of helping, what you did was insult me." "Because your father did that" "(what about me?" ")." "You would also get angry and say that I was totally crazy of course, it was logical, you didn 't understood me, nobody did" "maybe not, and we are the same maybe I did not understand what was important for you it wasn 't for me of course, it was like that" "when I go there I don 't think it 's right that I adore some of the Saints but don 't say anything to the others" "I have more faith in Jesus but I also pray to Virgin Mary and to Saint John because I don 't want them to get angry at one another" "I had more faith in Jesus, because he granted it to me everything I ask" "look Jesus if you see that my Carlos can come back here to Seville to be happy and find a job that satisfies him that he would be satisfied." "Make the means so he comes back but if you see that he won 't be happy because he can 't find a job he likes wherever he is you always be with him so nothing happens to him" "and make sure there is good people on his way and a good job what you think is best for him" "if you think is best for him to come here, then make the means for that but if you see that it 's not the best, because you know more than me" "help him to do what 's best, but that he is happy that is what 's important, that is what I want" "Ana Carmona Carrillo born in Morón de la Frontera, 28th of April 1935" "I am Rafael Ruiz Guillén born in the 18th of May 1936 in Murcia, Spain in 17th of August 1968 was born Carlos Ruiz at the hospital in Barcelona" "there are three things in life, health, money and love and whoever has those three things give thanks to God"