"Come on." "And now for something completely different..." "It's..." "Monty python's flying circus." "Thank you very much for the change" "Mr. tobacconist." "Was that all right?" "Shh!" "shh!" "Uh... hah..." "I will not buy this record." "It is scratched." "Sorry?" "I will not buy this record." "It is scratched." "No, no, no." "This... tobacconist's." "Ah!" "I will not buy this tobacconist's." "It is scratched." "No, no, no, no." "Tobacco." "um... cigarettes." "Yah." "yeah?" "Yah. cigarettes. yah." "Uh... uh... yah." "My hovercraft is full of eels." "My hovercraft..." "Is full of eels." "Matches. matches." "Yah, yah, yah, yah, yah." "Do you want..." "Do you want..." "To come back to my place..." "Bouncy bouncy?" "I don't think you're using that right." "You great poof." "Um... that'll be six and six, please." "If I said you had a beautiful body" "Would you hold it against me?" "I-i am no longer infected." "Um... may i?" "may i?" "Yah, yah, yah." "It costs six and six..." "Costs six and... ah!" "Here we are. um..." "Yandelvayasna grldenwi" "Stravenka." "What's going on here, then?" "Ah!" "you have beautiful thighs." "What?" "He hit me." "Drop your panties, sir william." "I cannot wait till lunchtime." "Right!" "My nipples" "Explode with delight." "Call alexander yahlt." "Call alexander yahlt" "Call alexander yahlt" "Oh, shut up!" "You are alexander yahlt?" "Oh, I am." "Skip the impersonations." "You are alexander yahlt?" "I am." "You are hereby charged" "That on the 28th day of may," "You did willfully, unlawfully, and with malice aforethought" "Publish an alleged english/hungarian phrase book" "With intent" "To cause a breach of the peace." "How do you plead?" "Not guilty." "You live at 46 horton terrace?" "I do live at 46 horton terrace." "You are the director of a publishing company?" "I am the director of a publishing company." "Your company publishes phrase books?" "My company does publish phrase books." "You did say 46 horton terrace, did you?" "Yes." "Hah!" "got him!" "Get on with it." "Get on with it." "Yes, m'lord." "On the 28th day of may" "You published this phrase book." "I did." "I quote an example." "The hungarian phrase meaning" ""can you direct me to the station"" "Is translated by the english phrase" ""please fondle my bum."" "I wish to plead incompetence." "Please, may I ask for an adjournment, m'lord?" "Adjournment?" "certainly not." "Why on earth didn't you say why you wanted an adjournment?" "I didn't know an acceptable legal phrase, m'lord." "If there's any more stock film of women applauding" "I shall clear the court." "Call abigail tesler." "M'lord, this is abigail tesler." "Is it?" "Yes, m'lord." "23-year-old abigail hails from down under" "Where they're upside down about her." "Those aussies certainly know a thing or two" "When it comes to beach belles." "Bet some lifesaver wouldn't mind giving her the kiss of life." "So watch out for the sharks, abigail." "Journalist "is this strictly relevant?"" "Quizzed learned lovely, justice maltravers." "78-year-old justice hails from esher" "And he's been making a big name for himself" "At the recent assizes at exeter." ""all will be revealed soon, m'lord"" "Quipped tall, 42-year-old nelson bedowes, cutie q.c." "Nelson's keen on negligence" "And grievous bodily harm at gray's inn." "And with cases like he's won" "We bet gray's in when nelson's around." ""well, get on with it"" "Admitted 78-year-old genial jurisprude maltravers" "Seen here at london airport on his way to judge for britain" "At the famous international court at the hague." "Get off!" "Good evening." "Tonight is indeed a unique occasion" "In the history of television." "We are very privileged and deeply honored" "To have with us in the studio karl marx" "Founder of modern socialism" "And author of the communist manifesto." "Vladimir ilich ulyanov" "Better known to the world as lenin" "Leader of the russian revolution, writer, statesman" "And father of modern communism." "Che guevara" "The cuban guerrilla leader" "And mao tse tung" "Leader of the chinese communist party since 1949." "And the first question is for you, karl marx." ""the hammers."" ""'the hammers' is the nickname of what english football team?"" "The hammers?" "No?" "well, bad luck there, karl." "So we go on to you, che." "Che guevara." ""coventry city last won the f.a. cup in what year?"" "No?" "I'll throw it open." ""coventry city last won the f.a. cup in what year?"" "No?" "well, I'm not surprised you didn't get that." "It was in fact a trick question." "Coventry city have never won the f.a. cup." "So, with the scores all equal now" "We go on to our second round" "And, lenin, it's your starter for ten." ""teddy johnson and pearl carr" ""won the eurovision song contest in 1959." "What was the name of the song?"" "Teddy johnson and pearl carr's song" "In the 1959 song contest?" "Anybody?" "no?" "Yes, mao tse-tung." ""sing little birdie"?" "Yes, it was indeed." "Well challenged." "Well, now we come on to our special gift section." "The contestant is karl marx" "And the prize this week is a beautiful lounge suite." "Now, karl has elected to answer questions" "On the workers' control of factories" "So here we go with question number one." "You nervous?" ""the development of the industrial proletariat" "Is conditioned by what other development?"" "The development of the industrial bourgeoisie." "Yes. yes. yes, indeed." "You're on your way to your lounge suite, karl." "Question number two:" ""the struggle of class against class" "Is a what struggle?"" ""a what struggle?"" "A political struggle." "Yes. yes." "One final question, karl" "And the beautiful lounge suite will be yours." "You going to have a go?" "You're a brave man." "Karl marx, your final question:" ""who won the cup final in 1949?"" "Uh... the workers control the means of production." "The struggle of the urban proletariat." "No. it was in fact wolverhampton wanderers" "Who beat leicester 3-1." "Ah. thank you." "Just the word I was looking for." ""I wonder," said la farge" ""just how much molineux."" "Hey!" "That's the bad jokes." "And now a bit of fun." "Jenkins?" "Yes, sarge?" "What you gonna do when you get back to blighty?" "I don't know, sarge." "I 'spect I'll be looking after me mum." "She'll be getting on a bit now." "Got family of your own, have you?" "No, she's..." "She's all I got left now." "My wife doreen, she..." "I got a letter." "You don't have to tell me, son." "No, sarge, I'd like to tell you." "See... this place..." "Hold it!" "Hold it!" "Look, loves, can anyone not involved in this scene" "Please leave the set?" "Now, come on. please." "Anyone not concerned in this scene." "The canteen's open upstairs." "Now, come on, please." "Sorry, loves, sorry." "We'll have to take it again from the top, all right?" "Okay." "Cue!" "Hold it!" "Hold it!" "Now, who changed the caption?" "Can whoever changed the caption" "Put the right one back immediately, please?" "Right. all right, we'll take it again from the top. cue." "Hold it!" "Hold it!" "Come on, come on, out of there!" "You're not in this." "You're just holding the whole thing up." "Come on, please." "It's no good, loves, it's no good." "We'll have to leave it for now." "Come back when everyone's settled down a bit." "So that means we go over to the art room, all right?" "So, cue camera three." "Sorry!" "camera four." "Aren't they marvelous?" "Yes, yes." "The strength and boldness..." "Life and power in those colors." "This must be titian's masterpiece." "Oh, indeed, if only for the composition alone." "The strength of those foreground figures" "The firmness of the line." "Yes, the confidence of a master at the height of his powers." "Yes?" "Hello, sonny." "your dad in?" "Yes." "Could I speak to him, please?" "It's the man from "the hay-wain."" "Who?" "The man from "the hay-wain" by constable." "Dad!" "it's the man from "the hay-wain"" "By constable to see you." "Coming." "Hello." "How are you?" "come on in." "Oh, no, no." "can't stop." "Just passing by, actually." "Oh. where are you now?" "Well may you ask." "We've just been moved in next to a roomful of bruegels." "Terrible bloody din-- skating all hours of the night." "Anyway, I've just dropped in to tell you" "There's been a walkout in the impressionists." "Walkout, eh?" "Yeah. it started with the dejeuner sur l'herbe lot." "Evidently, they were moved away" "From above the radiator or something." "Anyway, the impressionists are all out." "Gainsborough's blue boy's brought out the 18th-century english portraits" "The flemish school's solid, and the german woodcuts are at a meeting now." "Right. well, I'll get the renaissance school out." "Okay. meeting 4:30-- "bridge at arles."" "Okay. cheerio." "good luck, son." "Good luck." "Right. everybody out!" "I'm off." "I'm off." "I'm off." "I'm off." "I'm off, dear." "I'm off." "I'm off, too." "I'm off." "Here is the news." "By an almost unanimous vote paintings in the national gallery voted to continue the strike that has emptied frames for the last week." "The man from constable's "the hay-wain"" "said last night that there was no chance of a return to the pictures before the weekend." "Sir kenneth clarke has said he will talk to any painting if it can help bring a speedy end to the strike." "At sotheby's, prices dropped dramatically as leading figures left their paintings." "What am I bid for vermeer's" ""lady who used to be at a window"?" "Do I hear two bob?" "Two bob!" "Gone." "Now what am I bid for another great bargain" "Edwin landseer's "nothing at bay"?" "All we bloody want" "Is a little bit of bloody consultation." "At a mass meeting at brentford football ground" "Other works of art voted to come out" "In support of the paintings." "The vote was unanimous..." "With one abstention." "Meanwhile at television centre work began again on a sketch about ypres." "A spokesman for the sketch said he fully expected it to be more sensible this time." "Jenkins?" "Yes, sarge?" "What you gonna do" "When you get back to blighty?" "I don't know, sarge." "I 'spect I'll look after me mum." "She'll be getting on a bit now." "Got a family of your own, have you?" "No. she-she's all I got left now." "My wife doreen, she..." "I got a letter." "You don't have to tell me, son." "No, sarge, I'd like to tell you." "You see, this bloke from up the street..." "Okay, chaps." "At ease." "I've just been up the line." "Can we get through, sir?" "No." "I'm afraid we'll have to make" "A break for it at nightfall." "Right, sir." "We're all with you." "Yes, I know." "That's just the problem, sergeant." "How many are there of us?" "Well, sir, there's you, me, jenkins" "Padre, kipper-- there's five, sir." "And only rations for..." "Four, sir." "Precisely." "I'm afraid one of us" "Will have to take the other way out." "I'm a goner, major." "Leave me." "I'm..." "I'm not a complete man anymore." "You've lost both your arms as well." "Yes." "Damn silly, really." "No, no, we'll draw for it." "That's the way we do things in the army." "Sergeant, the straws." "Righto." "All right." "Now, the man who gets the shortest straw" "Knows what to do." "Looks like" "You, sir." "Is it?" "oh, what did we say" ""the longest straw," was it?" "No. shortest, sir." "Well, we better do it again." "There's obviously been a bit of a muddle." "There we go." "Best of three?" "Right." "Well, I got the shortest straw, so..." "I decide what means we use to decide who's going to do..." "To-to-to, uh, to, uh, to do the thing..." "To do the right thing." "Now, rank doesn't enter into this." "But obviously, if I should get through the lines" "I'll be in a very good position to recommend anyone very highly" "For a posthumous v.c." "No?" "good, fine." "Fine, fine, fine, fine." "Right." "Dip, dip, dip, my little ship" "Sails on the ocean, you are..." "No, no, wait a minute." "Um... i-i-i must have missed out a dip." "We'll start again." "Dip, dip, dip, dip, my little ship" "Sails on the ocean, you are..." "No, this is not working out." "It-it's not working out." "Uh, what-what shall we do?" "How about one potato, two potato, sir?" "Don't be childish, jenkins." "No, um, I think- I think fisties" "Would be best." "Okay?" "so, uh, hands behind backs." "After "three," okay?" "One, two, three!" "Now, what's this?" "Uh, stone, stone, stone and scissors." "Now, uh, scissors cut everything, don't they?" "Not stones, sir." "They're very good scissors." "And padre hasn't been!" "No arms, sir." "Oh, I'm terribly sorry." "I-i-i-i'm afraid I didn't, um..." "Tell you what-- all those people" "Who don't want to stay here" "And shoot themselves." "raise their arms." "Stop it!" "stop it!" "Stop this... this hideous facade." "E... easy, padre." "No, no, I must speak." "When i... when I came" "To this war, I had two arms-- two good arms" "But when the time came to..." "to lose one, i..." "I gave it" " I gave it gladly." "I smiled as they cut it off" "Because I knew there was a future for mankind. i..." "I knew there was hope" "So long as men were prepared to give their limbs!" "And when the time came for me to give my other arm, i..." "I gave it gladly, i..." "I sang as they sawed it off, because I believed" "Oh, you may laugh!" "" "But I believed with every fiber of my body" "With every drop of rain that falls" "A... a flower grows." "And that flower" "That small, agile, delicate flower" "Shall burst forth" "To give a new life" "A new strength!" "...there is freedom-- freedom from fear" "Freedom from oppression and freedom from tyranny." "A world where men and women of all races and creeds" "Can live together in communion." "And then in the twilight of this life" "Our children and our children's children..." "Our patients here" "Are suffering from severe overacting." "Argh!" "jim, lad!" "Argh!" "jim, lad!" "When they're brought in, they're all really over the top." "It's our job to try and treat the condition of overacting." "Rather serious." "This is the richard iii ward." "A horse. a horse." "My kingdom for a horse." "Most of these cases are pretty unpleasant." "A horse!" "Nurse?" "A horse!" "My kingdom for..." "But the treatment does work with some people." "This chap came to us" "Straight from the chichester festival." "We operated just in time, and now he's almost normal." "A horse, a horse." "My kingdom for a horse." "Argh!" "argh!" "argh!" "argh!" "Argh!" "argh!" "argh!" "argh!" "But, uh, in here, we have some very nasty" "Cases, indeed." "To be or not to be." "That is the question." "To be..." "to be..." "Oh." "oh." "Good evening." "First, take a bunch of flowers:" "Pretty begonias, irises, freesias" "And cry-manthesums." "Then..." "Arrange them..." "Nicely..." "In a vase!" "Oh, get in!" "Get in!" "Get in!" "oh...!" "Shh!" "Morning." "Morning!" "What you got, then?" "Well, there's egg and bacon." "Uh, egg, sausage and bacon." "Egg and spam." "Egg, bacon and spam." "Egg, bacon, sausage and spam." "Spam, bacon, sausage and spam." "Spam, egg, spam, spam, bacon and spam." "Spam, spam" "Spam, egg and spam." "Spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, baked beans" "Spam, spam, spam and spam." "Or lobster thermidor aux crevettes with mornay sauce" "Garnished with truffle pate, brandy, and a fried egg on top" "And spam." "Have you got anything without spam in it?" "Well, spam, egg, sausage and spam." "It's not got much spam in it." "I don't want any spam!" "Why can't she have egg, bacon, spam and sausage?" "That's got spam in it!" "Not as much as spam, egg, sausage and spam." "Look, could I have egg, bacon, spam and sausage" "Without the spam?" "Ugh!" "What do you mean "ugh"?" "I don't like spam!" "Spam, spam, spam, spam spam, spam, spam, spam" "Lovely spam!" "Wonderful spam!" "Lovely spam!" "wonderful spam!" "Shut up!" "shut up!" "Shut up!" "shut up!" "lovely spam!" "wonderful spam!" "You can't have egg, bacon, spam and sausage" "Without the spam." "Why not?" "!" "Well, it wouldn't be egg, bacon, spam and sausage" "Would it?" "I don't like spam!" "Oh, don't make a fuss, dear." "I'll have your spam." "I love it!" "I'm having spam, spam, spam, spam, spam..." "Spam, spam, spam, spam spam, spam, spam, spam spam, baked beans, spam, spam and spam!" "Baked beans are off." "Well, can I have spam instead?" "You mean spam, spam, spam, spam..." "Spam, spam, spam, spam spam, spam, spam, spam" "Wonderful spam!" "yes!" "Ugh!" "Lovely spam!" "Shut up!" "shut up!" ""oh, great boobies, honey bun." ""my lower intestine is full of spam, egg, spam, bacon..." "Spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam. "spam, spam..." "Shut up!" ""my nipples explode..."" "Lovely spam!" "wonderful spam!" "Another great viking victory" "Was at the green midget cafe in bromley." "Once again, the viking strategy was the same." "They sailed from these fjords here" "Assembled at trondheim" "And waited for the strong northeasterly winds" "To blow their oaken galleys to england" "Whence they sailed on may the 23rd." "Once in bromley, they assembled in the green midget cafe" "And spam selecting a spam particular spam item" "From the spam menu would..." "Spam, spam, spam, spam spam, spam, spam, spam" "Lovely spam!" "wonderful spam!" "Spam, spam, spam, spam spam, spam, spam, spam" "Lovely spam!" "wonderful spam...!" "Shut up!" "Haagbard etheldronga and his viking hordes" "Are currently appearing in grin and pillage it" "At the jodrell theatre, colwyn bay." "The dirty hungarian phrase book is available" "From her majesty's stationery office." "Price-- a kiss on the bum."