"( theme song playing )" "HOGAN:" "Look, Willy, you're asking us to do the impossible." "WILLY:" "I know, Colonel, but these radios must be delivered to the underground in France immediately." "They are essential for the invasion." "NEWKIRK:" "If anyone expects us to get through, they've got to be barmy." "KINCH:" "Couldn't the radios be parachuted in?" "WILLY:" "Too dangerous." "If they fell into German hands, they might suspect the invasion is imminent." "HOGAN:" "Well, if you can't get to France through the roadblocks," "I don't know how we can." "WILLY:" "Shh!" "I hear footsteps." "( Hogan screams )" "Colonel Hogan, I didn't know you were in there." "Come on, Hans." "You've broken up more meetings with that pitchfork." "We'll put you in for a purple heart, sir." "Thanks a lot." "You know, we really ought to have these rendezvous out in the open." "It'd be a lot safer." "Here are the five radios." "Why don't you keep them at the farm until we figure out how to get them to France?" "But if the Boche should find us with them, we'd all be shot." "They find us with the radios," "I don't think we'll get a hug and a kiss either." "I am sorry, Colonel, I have no right to ask you to undertake such a dangerous mission." "Nah, nah, we'll deliver them." "But if the guards in your prison camp should find out about these radios, how would you explain it?" "Tell them we were desperate." "How long can you go without the music of Guy Lombardo?" "You are going to throw a card, aren't you, Carter?" "I'm thinking." "That's your big mistake." "Oh, I see what's wrong." "The mixed deal?" "No, I've got gin rummy." "I don't know why I play cards with amateurs." "I don't, really." "HOGAN:" "All right, fellas, let me have your attention." "I think I've got an idea." "KINCH:" "About the radios, Colonel?" "Yeah, there's only one answer." "Somebody's got to deliver them across the French border." "What time do you want me to leave, Colonel?" "I knew I could count on you, LeBeau, but I don't want you to go alone." "I'll go with him." "Always glad to travel with a man on a winning streak." "Wait a minute, wait a minute." "Colonel, you can't send Carter to France." "He doesn't even know the language." "Who doesn't know the language?" "Merci, s'il vous plaît and "ooh-la-la."" "What happened to "Mademoiselle from Armentières"?" "Parlez-vous." "All right, all right, hold it." "He doesn't have to know French when he's got LeBeau with him." "Right." "What if they should get separated?" "Why should they get separated?" "I'll tell you why." "The minute they get across the border," "LeBeau here's going to find a little sidewalk café, order a bottle of wine just to celebrate." "He's going to start feeling good, he's going to order another one." "Suddenly that little waitress, the plump one, starts to look beautiful." "He goes off with her, leaving Carter here to have to pay the check and not knowing the language." "That's a terrible thing to say, Newkirk!" "Take my word, before I go off with the waitress," "I'll pay the check." "Oh, you're all French." "All right, I think it's best that Carter go with him." "Hey, LeBeau, when we get to France," "I'd like to see the Eiffel Tower and the Louvre and the Folies Bergères, but not necessarily in that order." "SCHULTZ:" "Oh, Colonel Hogan." "LeBEAU:" "Oh, Schultz again." "KINCH:" "I guess our "Do Not Disturb" sign fell down." "Schultz, you really should knock." "If there's anything I hate, it's a pushy guard." "SCHULTZ:" ""Pushy guard."" "There will be roll call in ten minutes!" "What for?" "We had a roll call this morning." "Commandant Klink ordered roll call every two hours, barracks inspection three times a day and lights out at exactly 9:00." "( prisoners complaining )" "All right, Schultz, you got your laugh for today, you can leave now." "And they say the Krauts got no sense of humor." "( chuckling )" "The commandant is not joking." "Hey, uh, Schultz," "Klink strike out with the barmaid at the beer hall again?" "The barmaid?" "Yeah, every time she slaps him in the face, he takes it out on us." "He sure does." "You can say that again, mate." "I assure you, the commandant must have given the subject some thought, and he must have very good reason for it." "After all, he comes from a long line of outstanding military men, brilliant officers, very intelligent, clever and..." "very necessary." "( sighs )" "On the other hand... it could be the barmaid." "You think there might have been a leak about the radios, Colonel?" "Yeah, I'm afraid so." "I'm going to find out how much Klink knows." "Scratch the mission, huh?" "Boy, there goes my trip to France." "We'll make it up to you, Carter." "We'll all have a glass of wine," "I'll get LeBeau here to sing the "Marseillaise,"" "and we'll spray the room with garlic." "Yes, those are exactly my orders." "Send out all available dogs and double the guard." "Hogan, Schultz gave you your orders." "Dismissed." "Look, if you're going to make this place into a Prisoner-of-War camp, we're leaving." "I am in no mood for small talk." "Just because you strike out with the barmaid is no reason to take it out on us." "Hogan, I do not believe that the Geneva Convention demands that I discuss my social life with you." "No, but we'd like to know why the roll calls, the inspections and the lights-out jazz." "Because we're having a visit from Count Rudolf von Heffernick, an SS general who was one of Hitler's closest advisers." "Well, the first thing he ought to advise Hitler is to shave off that hokey moustache." "And another thing, Hogan-- during von Heffernick's visit, if you or any of the prisoners show any insubordination, it's straight into the cooler." "Don't worry, we'll see that the count puts in a good word with Adolf for you." "Hogan, my promotion to general has long been overdue." "Imagine-- they promoted Kleinschmidt in Stalag Nine and he's had 12 escapes." "Kleinschmidt?" "!" "He's not fit to polish your head." "Dismissed." "All set?" "Ready, Colonel." "All right, now remember, make it look good." "Schultz has got to believe you're escaping." "You can depend on me, Colonel." "Go ahead." "Good luck." "( snoring softly )" "( snoring )" "Psst." "Psst!" "Schultz." "Escape." "Escape!" "Wolfgang." "Wake up." "Wake up." "( whining )" "( whining softly )" "Don't lick my face;" "lick his face." "( whining )" "Bertha... stop." "( smacking lips )" "Wolfgang-- speak." "Speak!" "( barking )" "Speak, Wolfgang, speak." "( barking )" "GUARD:" "Was ist denn los?" "I surrender, Schultz!" "I said, I surrender, Schultz!" "( sighing )" "Aah!" "Help, somebody!" "Somebody kicked me!" "Did you see who it was?" "Don't shoot, Schultz!" "Don't shoot!" "Good work, Schultz." "Ah...!" "Ho, ho... ooh!" "Ah, you thought you... you... you could escape, LeBeau, huh?" "I should have known better, Schultz." "You're always on your toes." "What's going on here?" "I was trying to escape, sir, but Sergeant Schultz alertly captured me." "That's exactly what happened, Herr Kommandant." "This will cost you 30 days in the cooler." "30 days?" "!" "Oh, là, vous exagérez, alors!" "I think you're getting off lucky." "Hogan, I don't need any confirmation from you." "Take him away!" "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant." "Let's go." "I'm sorry this happened, Colonel." "But I want to thank you for giving him such a light sentence." "30 days in the cooler is a light sentence?" "Well, you could have thrown the book at him and had him transferred to a prison in France." "Why would I send LeBeau to a French prison?" "Ah, you're right." "No sense rubbing it in to LeBeau." "I mean, sending him to a prison where he could look through the barbed wire at his beloved homeland." "Nobody deserves that kind of punishment." "Good night." "Hogan, wait!" "Tomorrow, Corporal LeBeau will be transferred to Stalag Four, which is 40 miles outside of Paris." "Oh, come on, Colonel!" "Hogan!" "Dismissed." "SCHULTZ:" "All right, everybody!" "All right, all right!" "Fall in!" "Fall in, mach schnell, schnell, schnell, schnell, schnell!" "SCHULTZ:" "All right, all right!" "Roll call, roll call!" "What did you find out about LeBeau's transfer?" "He's being shipped out this afternoon, sir, at 4:00 in truck 279." "Yeah, there's only one guard on duty at the motor pool." "I'm sure we can stick the radios under the truck." "I contacted the French underground, alerted them." "All right, I'll find out the exact route the truck's taking from Hilda." "SCHULTZ:" "Attention!" "Now a few words from our commandant." "Last night, Corporal LeBeau was foolhardy enough to attempt an escape." "As you can see, it failed." "And do you know why it failed?" "Because of the fast, alert thinking of Sergeant Schultz." "Silence, Dummkopf." "It was because I run an escape-proof prison camp." "Now, it is evident that Corporal LeBeau does not like it here at Stalag 13, so I have ordered him to be transferred to Stalag Four." "Colonel Klink, you do not mean Stalag Four." "I don't?" "Stalag Four is in France." "No one in their right mind would return a French prisoner of war to his own country, which would encourage further escapes, where he knows the language and could expect every cooperation from the people." "Did I say Stalag Four?" "No." "I mean Stalag 14-- Colditz!" "VON HEFFERNICK:" "That makes more sense." "KLINK:" "Dismissed!" "Let's hear from you, Colonel... even if it's only another brilliant plan on how to get me to France." "To tell you the truth, Count von Heffernick, my saying that I was sending LeBeau to a prison camp in France was not just a slip of the tongue." "It was not?" "KLINK ( over transmitter ):" "Oh, no, no, no." "I wanted to get his hopes up and then throw cold water in his face." "Ah, it's so much fun to be cruel." "Can you believe him?" "KINCH:" "Any news on what route they're sending LeBeau?" "No, Klink's still doing a cop-out for Count von Heffernick." "We've got to find a way to keep LeBeau from going to Colditz." "We owe it to him." "Yes, you certainly do." "Hey, hold it, hold it." "The conversation's getting a bit spicy now." "VON HEFFERNICK:" "You don't have to play games with me." "I know all about you and Marlene Schneider." "Believe me, Count von Heffernick," "Marlene and I were just good friends." "You were sweethearts." "Oh... oh... no, no, no." "This happened many years ago." "We were just children." "It was puppy love." "Puppy love?" "Marlene says you were quite a dog." "Believe me, Count von Heffernick..." "I invited Marlene here for a very special reason." "What was that?" "I wanted to find out for myself if there was still anything between you." "If not, we will be married and spend our honeymoon in Paris." "Oh, I can assure you, Count von Heffernick, that Marlene does not still carry the torch for me." "If she does, you would be very wise to borrow that torch." "It would come in very useful to you... on the Russian front!" "How about that?" "Casanova Klink." "I can't believe it." "Who'd be carrying a torch for Klink?" "He said Marlene Schneider, not Marlene Dietrich." "Gentlemen, we've got work to do." "What, Colonel?" "We've got to make sure that the count and Marlene make that honeymoon trip to Paris." "Well, why do we have to play Cupid?" "Because we have the perfect wedding gift for them." "What's that?" "Five shortwave radios." "( humming to himself )" "( knock at door )" "Oh." "Can I come in, or you two want to be alone?" "Please, Hogan, I'm tired of your warped sense of humor." "Well, I just wanted to discuss the LeBeau situation." "I've got my own problems." "How could a man like you have problems?" "The idol of the guards, tops in the prison camp game, a man women find irresistible." "Hogan, don't say that." "Since when is being irresistible a problem?" "Because Marlene Schneider, my old flame, is coming to this camp." "Well, why should that be a problem?" "She is Count von Heffernick's fiancée." "Oh." "Well, don't worry about it, Commandant." "Maybe she's gotten over you." "They never do." "Besides that, he's very jealous." "If he thinks that Marlene still is in love with me, that is the end of my promotion." "After all, she..." "she is still engaged to the count." "Well, maybe she'll be able to control her feelings." "Control her feelings?" "The woman is not made of stone." "Yeah." "I wish I could help you, Commandant, but I'm afraid I..." "Wait a minute." "I got an idea." "What is it, Hogan?" "What?" "What?" "First, we're going to have to make a deal." "Make a deal?" "Do you realize I could be sent to the Russian front?" "I'll be glad to save you from the Russian front if you save LeBeau from Colditz." "You're not going to blackmail me, Hogan." "All right." "But it's going to be a little embarrassing when Marlene Schneider takes a look at you and suddenly starts ripping the swastikas off your uniform." "All right, all right, Hogan." "LeBeau stays." "Good." "What about Marlene?" "Well, the first thing we've got to do is destroy that image of the handsome, dashing pilot she still has." "That's impossible." "I'm more handsome and dashing now than I ever was." "Yeah, well, it's going to be difficult." "You don't seem to understand, Hogan, but the men in the Klink family age gracefully." "As we grow older, we become more attractive to women." "Only last week, my 90-year-old grandfather was grabbed in the park by three Hitler Youth girls." "You do have a problem, but I think I know a way we can throw some cold water on that old flame." "Oh, my feet are killing me!" "I'm so tired!" "Why don't you come in and sit down?" "Oh, danke!" "I'll stand guard for a while." "You are so considerate." "Jolly joker!" "All right, Schultz." "How's it going, LeBeau?" "It's a terrible place to visit, but I would hate to live here." "All right, let him out, Schultz, he's free." "Oh, just like that." "Let him out, Colonel, huh?" "You heard him." "Come on." "You think this is a forgery?" "Oh, you admit it?" "I knew I couldn't trust you." "The commandant just signed it a little while ago." "I don't trust him, either." "Schultz, be sensible, use your head." "In our army, it's against the regulations." "I'll break down that door, so help me!" "Easy, LeBeau, easy." "If you break the door down, you are going to pay for it." "Look, Schultz, we can settle this very easily." "Get the commandant on the phone, ask him if he signed these orders." "Marvelous idea." "No wonder you're an officer." "All right, give me the keys." "Now, wait a minute." "First I have to look at the orders." "You're not alone in this war, you know?" "( sighs )" "Schultz, open this cell or no more strudel for you." "Be nice to him, Schultz, he's a big tipper." "Would you like to taste it?" "I don't like this signature." "There is something phony about it." "Go call." "I think I will." "Give me the commandant." "SCHULTZ:" "Herr Kommandant, this is Sergeant Schultz speaking from the cooler." "I'm on guard here." "Herr Kommandant..." "Danke." "Herr Kommandant, a few minutes ago" "Colonel Hogan came with the orders for the release of the prisoner LeBeau." "I did not like your signature on the release." "( chuckling ):" "Oh, please." "Herr Kommandant, it's nothing personal, but I raised the question:" "Is this your signature on the release of the prisoner or is it not?" "Very clever of me, huh?" "Hmm?" "Well, I could be a Dummkopf and clever at the same time, couldn't I, Herr Kommandant?" "Colonel Klink, I believe your friend Marlene Schneider's coming." "KLINK:" "Thank you, Fräulein Hilda." "( typewriter keys clacking )" "Oh, may I help you?" "Is Colonel Klink busy?" "Who should I say is calling?" "Marlene Schneider." "I'll announce you." "Oh, don't bother." "I'd rather surprise him." "Willy?" "Marlene!" "Sweetheart!" "How wonderful to see you again." "( bottle clanking )" "I'm still the same passionate lover, huh?" "I've never seen this side of you before." "It's the war." "Who knows, Marlene?" "Today we live, tomorrow we die." "In a prison camp?" "You're safer here than if you were a civilian in Berlin." "Have a drink, Marlene!" "No, thank you, Willy." "To our reunion." "Really, Willy." "Excuse me, Colonel Klink, but I have some forms for you to fill out... in duplicate." "All right, Klink, knock it off!" "Hogan, I'm still running this camp!" "And doing a lousy job of it." "Fräulein Hilda, get some black coffee." "I'll try to sober him up again." "You mean he's this way often?" "Only Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays." "The other days, he's sleeping it off." "Hilda, never mind the coffee!" "Have a drink." "No, thanks, Colonel." "One of us has to stay sober." "I've never heard of a prisoner of war camp like this." "Yeah, neither have we." "Around here, punishment is not getting white wine with the fish." "Oh, thank you, Fräulein Hilda." "Ah!" "No, come on, Klink!" "Just the black coffee." "Hmm." "Oi!" "Is this Count von Heffernick's car?" "Ja." "NEWKIRK:" "Oh, good, we were told to come and work on it." "DRIVER:" "There is nothing for you to work on." "I have put this car in perfect condition." "KINCH:" "Is that so?" "I don't think the count will be very happy when he see where you scraped the paint off the door." "What's that?" "Oh, dear, oh, dear." "I did not do that." "I don't think the count's going to believe you, mate." "Fortunately, my friend Carter here is a body and paint man." "I could fix this up in about a half hour." "Good." "Why don't you go and keep guard and let us know when the count's coming, right?" "Ja." "Ja." "Off you go, then." "That's why you Americans are losing the war." "You drink coffee;" "we drink schnapps." "I think you've had enough schnapps, Willy." "Marlene Schneider!" "When did you arrive?" "Colonel Hogan, did you get that old souse sober?" "Who's an old souse?" "You are, you old souse." "I will not tolerate any disrespect!" "Throw yourself into the guardhouse." "I would, Willy, if there would be someone there to guard me." "More desertion, Schultz?" "11 more guards this morning." "11 of my men deserted me?" "But don't worry, Klink." "11 prisoners went with them." "Oh, you absolutely disgust me." "I always suspected you were a coward and I knew you were vain, but... but I never thought you'd come to this." "You certainly know how to hurt a person, Marlene." "Watch it, will you?" "Give me another minute." "Well, how much longer?" "Aw, do me a favor." "I thought you were supposed to be looking for the count." "DRIVER:" "Well, well..." "We try to do you people a favor." "I do not understand it." "All set." "NEWKIRK:" "Have a look at this, Otto." "You all through with it?" "Yeah." "Now, what do you think of that, then?" "Oh, that's wunderbar." "Danke schön." "Oh, anytime, mate, anytime." "Danke vielmals." "Pleasure." "NEWKIRK:" "Come on, Carter." "He just called me a fieldmouse." "NEWKIRK:" "Oh, no, it's a term of endearment." "Please, Marlene, don't leave me." "I never want to see you again." "Klink." "Oh, Liebchen!" "Take me out of here as quickly as possible." "I have arranged all that;" "we will leave tomorrow." "Couldn't we leave tonight?" "You wouldn't want to leave on your wedding night, hmm?" "( gasps ):" "Wedding night?" "!" "Who is she marrying?" "Me." "Oh, darling!" "Why, I must go and telephone my mother and tell her the good news." "Natürlich." "Well, Klink, I'm quite sure that Marlene will forget you now, but I assure you, I shall remember you... always." "KLINK:" "Thank you, Count von Heffernick." "Well, we'd better get used to calling you "General."" "Thank you." "Congratulations, Willy." ""Willy"?" "!" "N-N-No, I mean "Commandant Willy."" "I mean C-C-C-Commandant Klink." "Well, congratulations, Countess von Heffernick." "Your plan worked beautifully." "What plan?" "Baiting the count with memories of "Hot Lips" Klink." "You're very perceptive." "Just out of curiosity, did Klink ever get past a handshake with you?" "Well, as a matter of fact, today was the first time he ever kissed me." "Congratulations, Count." "Have a nice trip to Paris." "Danke." "Did you notify the French underground the radios are on the way?" "Yep." "How will they be able to spot the car?" "They won't have any trouble." "I know some people might think it cruel to destroy a woman's memory, but in the long run, Marlene is better off." "The count is a very fine man." "He has recommended me for promotion to general." "Oh, congratulations." "Oh, wonderful." "Colonel, the gate called." "The general's car's coming in." "That means Marlene and the count are back." "Hilda, come back here, quick." "All right, Klink, cut that out!" "You're setting a bad example for my men!" "You heard what he said!" "Willy, this is a military post and not a Hofbräu!" "Klink!" "Oh, General Burkhalter." "I did not expect you here." "I'm sure of that." "I just ran into Count von Heffernick." "Oh." "He gave me this note, recommending you for a promotion." "It's very nice of you to bring this to me personally." "Not at all." "Uh, no." "Here." "Oh." "Read it." "( grunts )"