"SCENE I:" "Will's Apartment" "GRACE:" "Vince, hurry up!" "GRACE:" "Your boyfriend's in the shower for 20 minutes." "Of all the cops you could have dated, you hook up with "Dirty Mary."" "WILL:" "Grace, he's a gay catholic." "He may never feel clean." "GRACE:" "Whoo-Ha?" "Frosting for breakfast?" "Any chance of slathering this on some cold pizza?" "WILL:" "I'm just practicing my piping for my birthday cake." "And breaking in the new pastry bag" "GRACE:" "Will, no!" "You've got to stop buying pastry bags." "GRACE:" "No matter how many of these you buy, you cannot frost the pain of your childhood away." "WILL:" "Grace, I'm not trying to frost the pain of my childhood away." "I'm trying to frost away the pain of every sad, crappy birthday I ever had." "What kind of monsters give a 10-year-old boy a baseball mitt, when what he asked for was an autographed 8x10 of Chita" "Rivera?" "GRACE:" "You have some lousy birthdays." "Remember the year we went to" "James Taylor, and that drunk roadie peed on you?" "WILL:" "Hmm, yeah." "Ironically during "Shower the People."" "WILL:" "You know that I'm actually looking forward to my birthday this year?" "I mean look at me." "I got a great job, good friends, clean boyfriend." "I think if I ever had a shot at breaking this streak of bad birthdays, this is it." "GRACE:" "Yeah, well, the bar's pretty low." "If you get a couple of decent presents and don't get peed on, it's the best one ever." "WILL:" "I hope Vince gets me something good." "His taste is a little suspect." "Ya know like when he got me those cufflinks... off a suspect." "I'm not even allowed to wear them outside until the trial's over." "VINCE:" "Look how nice my hair looks." "And now I gotta put a hat on?" "I swear if this blue didn't make my eyes pop, I'd be in sales." "GRACE:" "Finally." "JACK:" "You're tellin' me!" "I've been waitin' all morning." ""Key Party"" "Episode #7.05" "Original Airdate 10/14/2004" "Written by Sonja Warfield" "Directed by James Burrows" "Transcript by Rob Durfee" "CAST" "Eric McCormack (Will Truman)" "Debra Messing (Grace Adler)" "Sean Hayes (Jack McFarland)" "Megan Mullally (Karen Walker)" "GUEST CAST" "Bobby Cannavale (Vince)" "Jerry Levine (Joe)" "Tim Bagley (Larry)" "Kevin Brief (Ralph)" "SCENE II:" "A Restaurant" "KAREN:" "Jackie, where have you been?" "You know that I need to arrive last." "JACK:" "I know." "I'm sorry." "KAREN:" "Honestly!" "KAREN:" "Oh, God, honey, I'm sorry I'm late." "JACK:" "Now, come on." "Will's birthday's Friday, and we have to figure out what present to get him." "KAREN:" "Oh, honey." "This Friday?" "JACK:" "What's the matter, Karen?" "KAREN:" "Oh, Jackie." "This Friday would have been Stan's birthday too." "JACK:" "Stan had the same birthday as Will?" "It's amazing how many fatties are Libras." "So you gonna be okay?" "KAREN:" "Yeah, come on." "I barely paid attention to Stan's birthday while he was alive." "I'm certainly not gonna start worrying about it now." "Okay." "So what are we gonna get for lady gay?" "JACK:" "Well, I am Will's best friend, and he is one of my closest casual acquaintances." "So..." "I'm gonna go all out for him." "Okay, I'm gonna have you spend $40,000 on a gift and put my name on the card." "KAREN:" "Okay." "SCENE III:" "A Department Store" "GRACE:" "Hi-ya." "VINCE:" "Hey!" "GRACE:" "I said "hi-ya"." "How could that have scared you?" "VINCE:" "Whoa, I'm a New York cop." "I don't get scared." "Unless it's dark and I'm in car 82, which they say is haunted." "GRACE:" "So... what are you up to?" "Doin' a little shopping?" "Shopping for Will?" "What are you gettin' him?" "VINCE:" "I'm not telling you." "You'll just poo-poo it." "Pardon my" "French." "GRACE:" "You have to tell me, 'cause I have to tell you whether or not it blows." "VINCE:" "Grace, I think I know what my boyfriend likes." "We've been going out for six months." "GRACE:" "I've known him for, like, 20 years." "We've had phone calls that lasted six months." "VINCE:" "Well, I'm in a commited relationship with him." "GRACE:" "So am I." "VINCE:" "I shave his ears." "GRACE:" "I shaved his legs." "VINCE:" "I've the man naked, Grace." "GRACE:" "I've seen him naked and crying." "VINCE:" "Ya know what?" "I've slept with him." "GRACE:" "Okay, look, if I didn't turn him gay, we wouldn't be having this conversation." "So I win." "VINCE:" "All right, fine." "I'm giving him the key to my apartment." "GRACE:" "Blows." "VINCE:" "You blows!" "He'll love it!" "GRACE:" "Look, I'm just to help you out here, okay?" "I happen to know that Will has really high expectations for this birthday. whatever you're gonna get him, it has to be really good." "Not some cheap key." "VINCE:" "I'm gonna put it on a nice key chain." "GRACE:" "Oh, that's great." "Everyone loves a $1 thing hanging off of a" "$10 thing." "Look, I'm telling you, do not give him that key." "It's a mistake." "How about that wallet you looked at, sniffed, and put back?" "VINCE:" "You been following me?" "Of course!" "You know, I remember thinking, "That's weird, that mannequin's eat a french fry."" "GRACE:" "Okay, look, this wallet is the perfect gift." "VINCE:" "Ya know what, Grace?" "I'm sorry you wasted your afternoon stalking me, but I'm going with the key." "And by the way, you might have made him gay, but I made him good at it." "SCENE IV:" "Will's Apartment" "JOE:" "Oh, my God." "This cake is beautiful." "Where did you buy it?" "WILL:" "Actually, I made it." "LARRY:" "You did not make those rosettes." "JOE:" "Will, you have outdone yourself... if you really made it." "WILL:" "I did." "I swear." "LARRY:" "Do we have to do that every year?" "GRACE:" "Hey, guys." "LARRY:" "Oh, Grace, you look fantastic." "JOE:" "Did you get a facial?" "GRACE:" "I did not." "JOE:" "I don't believe it." "You are positively glowing, and your skin is fresher than our little Hannah's." "GRACE:" "I guess I have good genes." "JOE:" "God, they're so much work." "JACK:" "Ah, what do we have here?" "One Jack, three queens, and an old maid." "I don't know what game we're playing, but deal me in." "WILL:" "Well, the clown's here." "It's officially a party." "JACK:" "Will, happy birthday, buddy." "Listen." "About your gift." "I know, um, Karen and I have given you some doozies in the past, but I think this year you're really gonna love it." "WILL:" "Doozies?" "Like when you said you were giving me scuba lessons, then handed me a bucket of chum and pushed me off Karen's boat?" "JOE:" "Jack!" "You up for some baby pictures?" "JACK:" "I always am." "JACK:" "This is me at six months..." "GRACE:" "You having fun?" "WILL:" "Yes, so far so good." "Can't wait to see what Vince got me." "GRACE:" "Yeah, but you know, that's just a thing." "I mean isn't the real gift the fact that you have a boyfriend?" "WILL:" "What do you know?" "GRACE:" "Nothing." "WILL:" "Grace." "GRACE:" "I can't tell you what the present is." "Then it would ruin it." "I'll just say that it's cheap and unimaginative." "WILL:" "Well, then I don't wanna know." "GRACE:" "It's the key to his apartment." "WILL:" "What?" "Oh, my God." "GRACE:" "I know, it blows." "WILL:" "A key?" "That is so romantic!" "GRACE:" "You like it?" "WILL:" "I love it!" "It's a mature step in our relationship." "I can't wait to trace it in my journal tonight." "VINCE:" "Hey, hey, keep it down in here!" "We got a noise complaint." "JOE:" "Vince, you do that every time you enter a room, and it's always funny." "Great, now there's three of 'em." "VINCE:" "Hey, guys, this my partner Ralph." "Ralph, this is my boyfriend Will, and our friends." "GRACE:" "Hi." "RALPH:" "This is my first homosexual party." "So I'm not sure how to act." "Mind if I sit down, sir?" "KAREN:" "Oh, happy birthday, fruit." "So, who we got here?" "Oh, Mo and" "Mary." "Great, I won't have to take a sleeping pill tonight." "Lord, all these gays in one room." "Grace, you must be in hag heaven." "RALPH:" "Uh, I'm not gay." "KAREN:" "Ooh, hurray for my side." "WILL:" "Everybody, this my friend Karen." "For those of you with guns, free to take the safeties off." "JACK:" "Karen, where have you been?" "I've been waiting for you." "KAREN:" "Oh, honey, I'm so glad you're here." "Because this day has been so rough." "My heart is beating a mile a minute" " Feel." "JACK:" "I don't feel anything." "KAREN:" "Shh, wait." "JACK:" "There it is." "JACK:" "There it is again." "JACK:" "Oh, my God, Karen." "It's racing!" "What's wrong?" "KAREN:" "Honey, today is Stan's birthday, and I just wish I could be with him today." "I miss him so much." "I need to calm down" " Oh, thank" "God, I think it stopped." "WILL:" "Everybody, I think I'm ready to open my gifts now." "JACK:" "Ooh, ooh, ooh, start with ours." "Start with ours." "Will, prepare to be amazed." "JACK:" "Karen, where is it?" "KAREN:" "Honey, I didn't get him anything." "I was feeling sad about" "Stan!" "JACK:" "This is humiliating!" "And now everybody's staring at me!" "JACK:" "Think, McFarland, think." "You're a hot-shot network executive who was recently reprimanded for thinking out loud." "JACK:" "I've got it!" "Will?" "WILL:" "Yes, Jack." "JACK:" "Um, I've put a lot of thought behind this." "WILL:" "Yes, I heard it." "JACK:" "And I've decided, in honor of your birthday, my gift to you... is my eternal friendship." "WILL:" "Thank you." "Does anyone have anything for me that I can actually open?" "VINCE:" "Oh, crap." "We gotta go. 91st and Amsterdam." "Looks like a 187." "That's a homicide, I think. 187 go to heaven." "Yeah, it's a homicide." "RALPH:" "Well, uh, see ya." "Um, I wanna tell every that I loved Moulin" "Rouge." "VINCE:" "I should probably get goin' too." "WILL:" "Well, wait" " Wait, you didn't give me your gift yet." "Which I know I'm gonna love." "VINCE:" "Sit down." "Come on and open it now." "I hate being the first one to these things anyway." "WILL:" "I'm so excited!" "WILL:" "It's a... wallet." "I love it." "Thank you." "VINCE:" "Look, it's Gucci." "The good kind with two Cs." "WILL:" "Yeah, I know." "VINCE:" "Well, I'd better go." "Perps ain't gonna chase themselves." "Unless they're dogs." "JOE:" "Good one!" "WILL:" "Bye." "See ya." "WILL:" "A wallet?" "I thought you said he was giving me a key." "What could have happened to change his mind?" "GRACE:" "Will, I've gotta be totally honest with you." "I think I know what happened." "WILL:" "You do?" "GRACE:" "Ralph talked him out of it." "GRACE:" "Don't be sad." "I mean, maybe he's gonna give you the key at" "Christmas." "Like in honor of Joseph and Mary who lost their room key and had to give birth in a barn." "WILL:" "Yes, that's my favorite bible story, too." "When the blessed virgin into the Bethlehem Ramada and left her purse at the pool." "GRACE:" "Well, maybe this is a good thing." "Well, you said you're happy with the way things are." "WILL:" "Yeah, and the way things are is that I was supposed to get a key." "Another lousy birthday." "I don't know why I get my hopes up." "Who wants brie?" "GRACE:" "Where did Vince say he was going?" "KAREN:" "Well, he's Italian." "So my guess would be the Olive Garden." "JACK: 91st and Amsterdam." "JACK:" "I remember because I thought he said Hamsterdam, which is a country always wanted to go to" " Oh." "JACK:" "Will, I can tell you're very upset." "So..." "I got you this key." "WILL:" "This is the key to my apartment." "JACK:" "Whoa, slow down there, cowboy." "You're not getting the one to my place." "SCENE V:" "Vince and Ralph's Patrol Car, 91st and Amsterdam" "RALPH:" "Oh, hey, car 74 just got here." "Those guys are crazy." "I'm gonna go say hi." "GRACE:" "Hi-ya." "VINCE:" "Aah!" "Jeez, Grace, you freaked me out." "I thought we had another haunted car." "GRACE:" "Um, look, Will really hated the wallet." "You have to give him the key." "VINCE:" "Did he look inside the wallet?" "GRACE:" "Oh, is the key inside the wallet?" "VINCE:" "No, I put a coupon for a kiss inside the wallet." "GRACE:" "That is so queer." "Okay, now, look, you've got to give him the key." "He's not gonna have a birthday until he gets it." "VINCE:" "First admit that I know Will better." "GRACE:" "Oh, this is ridiculous." "This isn't a competition." "VINCE:" "Isn't it?" "GRACE:" "Look, Will's happiness is the only thing that matters right now, and that is dependent on him getting the key." "VINCE:" "Right, which is dependent on me giving it to him." "Which is dependent on you admitting that I know Will better." "Your move." "GRACE:" "I'm out." "You know him better." "VINCE:" "All right, I'll give him the key." "GRACE:" "Thanks." "Oh, one more thing..." "GRACE:" "Can you read this out loud please?" "VINCE: "Grace knows Will better."" "GRACE:" "That's very big of you to admit." "SCENE VI:" "Will's Apartment" "KAREN:" "I'm a fool, Jack." "I never celebrated birthday while he was alive." "And now he's gone." "I guess I just always figured there'd be next year." "JACK:" "I guess you just don't expect to lose something that big." "I mean, how could a house boat just not be there anymore?" "WILL:" "Hey, guys, come on." "I had to light my own candles, pour the champagne, and start singing "Happy Birthday" to myself." "Could someone at least, cut the cake?" "LARRY:" "Of course, Will." "WILL:" "Not like that!" "Give me." "WILL:" "Yes, enjoy your champagne." "God forbid any should make a toast." "JACK:" "You know, Will's angry muttering has given me an idea." "I'd like to make a toast." "WILL:" "Well, thank you." "JACK:" "On this day, a very, very great man was born." "Stanley Walker." "KAREN:" "Jackie, you don't have to do this." "It's too late." "He's gone." "JACK:" "Karen, just because somebody's dead doesn't mean you can't celebrate their birthday." "It's never too late." "Look at George" "Washington." "I never paid attention to him when he was alive, but now I get a day off of work." "Gosh, I guess that's true." "I mean nobody's ever really forgotten." "After all, I still roll into the ditch on Stan's side of the bed every night." "JACK:" "Karen, let's make a vow." "Every year on this day on we'll do something to celebrate Stanley Walker." "KAREN:" "Okay, from now on, this day is about Stanley Walker." "And nobody else!" "WILL:" "I'd like to say something, if I may." "This is the worst birthday I have ever had." "I had to throw myself a party." "I didn't get the key I wanted." "And now, instead of toasting me, everyone is toasting my fat dead client." "Whoop-dee-freakin'-doo!" "WILL:" "Where have you been?" "It's not fair you get to leave this party and I don't." "LARRY:" "I'm so glad Hannah spent two weeks making an ashtray for this jackass." "GRACE:" "Great news." "You're getting your key." "WILL:" "You're kidding." "GRACE:" "I know, isn't it great?" "It took a lot of convincing, but he came around." "Happy birthday!" "Yay!" "WILL:" "Wa--wa--wait." "What do you mean?" "You had to convince my boyfriend to give me a key?" "GRACE:" "Oh, just for a second, I mean" " Don't worry about it." "He's totally okay with it." "WILL:" "Okay with it?" "GRACE:" "No, he's excited." "He's gonna swing by and drop it off." "WILL:" "Drop it off?" "This is supposed to be a representation of our commitment to one another, not a pizza." "VINCE:" "Hi." "GRACE:" "Vince, change of plans." "VINCE:" "Wait, I memorized this and I gotta get it out." "My shift's over." "Here's the key to my apartment." "WILL:" "I'm sorry." "I don't think I can take it." "VINCE:" "Excuse me?" "WILL:" "You didn't think enough of me to give it to me in the first place, so I don't want it." "KAREN:" "Hey." "Anybody wanna take my chopper to Atlantic City to celebrate Stanley day?" "LARRY:" "I'd love to, but we've only got the sitter until 11." "JOE:" "It's your mother." "She can stay till morning." "Why are you so afraid of her?" "JACK:" "Will, happy birthday, friend." "And believe me when I say this from the bottom of my heart..." "I'm gonna take this wallet." "Heh heh..." "JACK:" "Ooh, a free kiss." "VINCE:" "Hey, what's your problem?" "I know you want the key." "WILL:" "I did want the key." "Until Grace told me talk you into giving it to me." "VINCE:" "She only had to talk me me into it because she first talked me out of it." "WILL:" "Grace talked you out of it?" "She told me that Ralph talked you out of it." "VINCE:" "Why would she do that?" "WILL:" "I don't know." "Why the hell does she do anything?" "GRACE:" "She's crazy." "GRACE:" "See ya tomorrow!" "WILL:" "Wait, wait." "Hold the phone." "Why would you do something like that?" "VINCE:" "Yeah, you almost ruined everything." "WILL:" "What the hell is wrong with you?" "GRACE:" "I am so sorry." "Please..." "Don't be mad at me." "I was just trying to help." "I hate that you're mad at me." "WILL:" "Don't try fake crying with us." "VINCE:" "Yeah, that only works on straight guys." "GRACE:" "Fine." "But this isn't my fault." "If anything, I should be mad at you!" "WILL:" "Oh, please, the angry flip?" "VINCE:" "Yeah, that's not gonna fly either." "GRACE:" "Okay." "Look, I'm" " I'm sorry." "I thought Will didn't want the key." "Obviously, I was wrong." "But by then I had already told you, and then you didn't give him the key." "And then he was really sad." "And all I wanted was for him to be happy." "And now I'm crying real tears." "WILL:" "No, you're not." "GRACE:" "Okay, look." "The thing is, is that I did all of this because all I wanted was for you to have the best birthday ever." "WILL:" "Well, that's all I wanted." "And somehow the whole thing went horribly, horribly wrong." "VINCE:" "Will it help if I gave you the key?" "WILL:" "Yes it would." "GRACE:" "Aw..." "All 'cause of me." "SCENE VII:" "Will's Apartment" "KAREN:" "I've arranged for a little gift for you." "Come on." "The kind of gift only Karen Walker can give." "We're ready for you." "ROSARIO:" "When you get caught between the moon and New York City." "I know it's crazy, but it's true." "Arthur, he does as he pleases" "KAREN:" "That's enough, thank you." "ROSARIO:" "Oh, good, a 20." "I'll put it in my "Kill Miss Ka"