"(Lovejoy) From the dawn of creation, love, the greatest of all human emotions, has been expressed in many forms - in paintings, in books, in music, but rarely in a rug." "Yet, for centuries the Muslim maidens of North Africa have done just that." "Forbidden to speak directly to their beloved, their passions take on a secret form - a code of love knots woven into their carpets." "Secrets only an old soothsayer can reveal." "What, you may well ask, has all this to do with Lovejoy?" "(Hubbub)" "(Bongo drum)" "(Singing)" "(Speaks Arabic)" "(Speaks Arabic)" "(Speaks Arabic)" "(Woman speaks Arabic)" "Of course it's not your taste I'm questioning." "Then what are you questioning?" "You say to me, "Darling, I bought this." "Take a look at that." "Isn't this beautiful?"" "Sometimes, just occasionally, I would like a say in the matter, that's all." "If I see something, I always think of you, always, before I buy it." "After all, it is my house!" "What?" "My house as well as yours, is what I meant." "Then perhaps you should try living in it." "I really haven't got time to make an issue out of this, Jane." "Forget I spoke, and go your own sweet way." "And where are you going?" "Brussels, I did tell you." "Back on Friday." "(Hollers) Have a nice trip." "Morning, Alex." "Brilliant timing as usual, Lovejoy." "Something's up." "(Clock chimes)" "Nine o'clock, on the dot." "What, don't we have an appointment?" "Don't you want me to get you a toyboy?" "I mean, a tallboy." "No jokes this morning, Lovejoy, please." "Come in, don't be bashful." "So what set it all off then?" "You're standing on it." "Mm-hmm!" "Our Anatolian carpet." "My carpet." "You may have found it, but it was my decision to buy it." "A snip, as I recall." "If you call £2,000 for a rug a snip." "You could've paid twice as much." "Try telling Alexander that." "He's never liked it much." "What would he know about it?" "Don't knock him, Lovejoy." "He's my husband." "He has many fine qualities." "Did he happen to get out of bed the wrong side and step on the carpet?" "(Sighs) Yes." "And suddenly we were doing an inventory of things I've bought for his house that he complained were mostly overpriced, not to his taste and that he hadn't been consulted." "Well, he's probably right." "About not being consulted, I mean." "If that was the house rule, that he had to be here, we'd be living with bare walls!" "Anyway... the reason I brought you into my bedroom, Lovejoy, is that I want you to sell that carpet." "No way!" "Why not?" "Because you love it." "Dearly." "Don't you tell me what I love and don't love, just sell it and get as much as you can for it, will you, please." "The dragon and the phoenix, Eric - symbol of marital harmony." "Well, you could've fooled me." "(Tinker) In Chinese mythology the dragon is yang, the male, solar, light, daytime, the emperor." "The phoenix is yin, lunar, female, dark, nocturnal." "Don't tell me, the empress." "You've got it." "(Tinker) Of course, in the Mongol period, it could also mean the two figures doing battle with each other." "(Eric) That sounds more like it." "But generally speaking, the dragon and the phoenix..." "Morning, Cyril." "How d'you know all this, Tink?" "Tourist guide books." "But you never go anywhere!" "I travel in dreams, Eric." "In dreams." "Lot 17, as viewed, this is an Anatolian rug." "Date 18th century, prime condition, unusual symbology." "Now, I have £1,500." "Who'll give me one six?" "One six for this rather beautiful rug." "This is a sad business, Eric." "She almost put in a bid herself then." "Two one. 2,100." "200." "Two two, sir." "All right, let it settle in the room." "At 2,300." "Four?" "Yes, sir. 2,400." "Two four against you, sir." "All right." "Two five." "Two six." "Two seven." "Two eight." "Two eight against you, sir." "At 2,800." "Are you all done at 2,800?" "(Phone) Two nine?" "Two nine." "Slow down a bit." "Try just 50." "And 50." "(Auctioneer) At £2,950." "Do I hear £3,000?" "At £2,950, I'm selling." " Sold." " It's yours, sir." "Excellent!" "When all's said and done, it's just a rug." "It's a sad, sad business." "Look after her ladyship." "Good lord!" "Potty!" " What?" " Russell Potts." "Would you believe that man once rose to the rank of corporal in her majesty's armed services?" "Cyprus it was, 1956." "Didn't we lose Cyprus?" "Hello, Neil." "Lovejoy." " What do you want?" " (Auctioneer) Lot 18..." "Lot 18, sir, showing now." "A Moroccan rug woven in a village in the Atlas Mountains." "Although modern, it has the unusual feature... unusual feature of the dragon motif woven in, which we associate with Oriental carpets as seen in the previous lot." "Who bought the Anatolian?" "Why do you want to know?" "Sentimental reasons." "Lady Jane would like it to have a good home." "It was a company sale." "Yes, but who's getting it?" "Him?" "You know I can't divulge names." "Shall we start at 200?" "Who'll give me 200?" "200 I'm bid, thank you." "At 200." "It probably contains a message from a young Muslim girl to her lover." "She can't express her feelings in conversation like the Christian girl can, so she weaves them into a carpet." ""You have beautiful brown eyes" she might be saying." "And only her family can interpret the symbols to the girl's young man." "Ah, that's really good." "Yeah, I like that." " (Auctioneer) 600, thank you." " Are you mad?" "(Auctioneer) Do I have six anywhere?" " It's getting a bit high." " Just get on with it." "(Auctioneer) At 600, thank you, sir. 600." "And seven?" "At £700." "At £800." "At £800." "What's going on?" "Don't ask me." "(Auctioneer) At 900." "Thank you, I have £900." "Nine against you, sir." "(Auctioneer) 1,000, I'm bid 1,000." "1,100?" "At 1,100." "One one against you." "(Auctioneer) At 1,100, are you all done at 1,100?" "At 1,200, it's against you on the right." "One two." "No." "Out." "No bid." "No bid?" "What you mean no bid?" "(Yells in Arabic)" "Look here, you can't do that." "Gentlemen, conduct yourselves in a civilized manner please!" "The bid is £1,200, it is against you on the right." "Are you all done at £1,200?" "Sold." "Potty!" "Stinker!" "(Laughs)" "Harriet, this is my old oppo, Tinker Dill." "Oh, how do you do?" "Rather an ordinary looking rug." " Two a penny." " So, what did she want with it?" "More to the point, what did he want with it?" "Potty's going to settle Miss Fisher in a nearby restaurant." "I can then join him in the pub for a quick one." " We're cooking something up for you, Lovejoy." " What are you talking about?" "According to Potty, Miss Fisher's got a house full of treasures and she needs sorting out." "(Raised voice) Old lady's junk?" "Lovejoy doesn't stoop to that." "You should know better... (Whispers) Lovejoy can do as he pleases." "Sometimes one just gets a..." "A touch, a sniff, a feeling?" "Of course, one could be wrong." "Well, you know my fee for evaluation, Tink." "If you've got that feeling - negotiate." "Well, I'm feeling rather hungry." "Do you fancy taking me to lunch, Lovejoy?" "Let us forage, Lady Felsham." "It's all right for some." "An old Chinese proverb, Tink - when the carpets start leaving the bedroom, stay clear of the, um..." "Removal men?" "Husbands?" "Parquet floor?" "Well, whatever, the point is, Lovejoy should take heed of it, in my opinion." "You think it was stupid." "Go on, say it." "No, I understand why you did it." "I just wonder what it will achieve, that's all." " I mean, if I'm Alexander..." " What?" "What, if you're Alexander, what?" "I'd want to know why at this delicate stage, my wife is trying to score points." " Have you seen who's sitting over there?" " Yes, your rug lady." "Would you rather have lunch with her?" "No, Jane, I'm with you." "Oh, never mind." "No, no, no, if you want to talk it out, let's order a nice bottle of wine." "I'm not trying to score points off Alexander, I'm trying to get his attention." "He's refusing to admit anything's wrong because it suits him." "Is there something wrong, I mean, really wrong?" "Well... you've seen us together recently." "You've been noticing the signals." "What signals?" "Oh, come on, Lovejoy!" "We used to laugh together, share jokes..." "We don't anymore." "Hardly grounds for divorce." "Who said anything about divorce?" "It's a joke, Jane, it's a joke." "Janey, it's been a hard morning, I know, very trying, but you made a few bob, so relax, order a drink." "Isn't that?" "(Lovejoy) Yeah... it is." "(Rainfall)" " Lovejoy Antiques." "Lovejoy." " Oh, yes, yes." "Look, she's over in the shed." "Look, I should warn you, she's a bit reluctant about you being here." "I'm the one who thinks it's necessary." "What I'm trying to say is, you might get a bit of flak." " Mr. Potts?" " Don't be put off." "Ah!" "I've, I've cut my finger, dear." " Oh." " Oh!" "Harriet, this is Lovejoy." " Oh." " Hello." "It's today, yes." "On one of your blessed tools." "Well, go and get the necessary then." "Come in, both of you, you'll get soaked out here." "Come in, come in." "Oh!" "Whoo!" "Come on, come on!" "Come and dry yourself by the fire." "Whoo!" "That's it." "Thank you." " I do so hate tools." "So vicious." " Ooh!" "Hello, doggy." "Back off, Saskia." "Saskia, Lovejoy." "Lovejoy, Saskia." "Hello, Saskia." "I thought Saskia was a girl's name and this, he is definitely a..." "I do know it's a girl's name, I just happen to like the name Saskia." "He'll never know, will he?" "Lovely room." "Yes." "Well, my dear Russell, whom I sometimes call Mr. Potts, as he was when he used to teach carpentry and cooking to my girls, thinks that I'm a hopeless old junkie." "He wants you to sort me out, Lovejoy." "That's what you like to be called, I gather." "Always the schoolboy, is it?" "Never wanting to be mister." "You could be right..." "Harriet." "Two truants together, we may find ourselves." "But I'm told I can trust you... so, you better do whatever you have to do." " I've got Tinker and Eric outside." " I'll get 'em." " Right." " Oh." "(Potts hollers) Tinker!" "Your... umbrella stand." "Oh, yes, that." "Early Ch'ing vase." "Kansei era." "Worth at the lowest possible estimate - £40,000." "But I... bought it from a man in Lowestoft." "I liked the blue." "What did we pay?" "I dunno." "900?" "(Speaks Arabic)" "(Answers in Arabic)" "(Speaks Arabic)" "(Interrupts in Arabic)" " (Contrite in Arabic) - (Speaks Arabic)" "Captain's chair, oak, damaged." "What d'you give for it, Potty?" "250." "250?" "They saw you coming!" "50, top." "Look at it, the seat's split." "Harriet... would you mind telling me why you spent £1200 on a Berber rug which is worth two or three hundred top whack?" "I mean, unless I missed something." "Lovejoy, I should have thought that you..." "Mm-hmm." "...you could see why." "Why?" "It's Saskia's rug." "You're serious, aren't you?" "Well, of course I'm serious." "See how they complement each other?" "Early John Broadwood... piano, upright strings, how much?" "300." "10,000." "(Eric whistles)" "Harriet, I'd like your permission to swap rugs." "Swap it?" "It's to solve a little mystery." "You had a rival bidder at the auction." "Yeah, didn't get it." "No, I know." "What Miss Fisher means is that obviously he didn't want it badly enough, so his valuation is finally of no importance." "No, dear, that isn't what I mean." "What Lovejoy means is that there may be some additional value to the rug, unrelated to wolfhounds." "He wants to know what it is to please me." "Anyway, it's usually of little interest to me, the price of things, you know." "The price of things is half the fun, Harriet." "Look at the Ch'ing vase." "Eric." "This is our rug." "See, it's the same color." "A little difference in the detail of the pattern, but... not bad, is it?" "What shall we do, Mr. Potts?" "Well, I'm with Lovejoy, let's have fun, and pay some bills." "Eric... the rug." " Me?" " Get the rug." "Good doggy." "Nice doggy." "Well, looks like your feelings were right, Tink." "What a house and what a woman!" "A diminishing breed, Eric." " If that Kansei is real..." " Oh, it's real all right, Tink." "I've got a client who'll kill for it." "Hang on a minute, you're not gonna rip off a dear old lady, are you?" "Eric, please, would I do a thing like that?" "No, we need an expert to look at this first anyway." "What're we looking for, Lovejoy?" "Something in the weave, in the knots?" "Something, Tink, there is something there, and I've seen it in a young man's face." "(Eric) But it's just a rug, innit?" " Wha..." "What's the time?" " Sorry to wake you." "Here." "What's this?" "Oh, darling, it's beautiful!" "I saw it in a shop window in Brussels." "Ohh!" "Here..." "let me help you." "Just a minute." "Oh, darling, thank you, it's beautiful." "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry, darling, it's mean, stupid and horrible of me, I'm sorry." "(Hollers) Lovejoy?" "Lovejoy?" "There's been a robbery." "What?" "This chap came to the door offering a mobile service." "The carpets always need cleaning in this house." "And he stole my rug?" "I was hoovering... in the kitchen." "I came back in here and he'd snatched it and gone." "That stupid thing was just sitting there." "He took nothing else?" " Strange." " Have you called the police?" "No, I suppose I should have but I called Tinker instead." "This carpet cleaner - black-haired, swarthy, looked Moroccan?" "How do you know that?" "Oh, Lovejoy, we owe you an apology and we must pay for your carpet." "No, don't worry about that, Harriet, but shouldn't Saskia be in the doghouse?" "And you need an alarm." "I can't abide the things." "Harriet, you are a lady in your middle years." "You and Mr. Potts live surrounded by beautiful things in splendid isolation, protected by..." "You need an alarm." "It's very sweet of you." "I also think you should change your umbrella stand." "Lovejoy..." "I'm not selling it." "Not even if I found you something else, in blue?" "One grows fond of things." "(Phone beeps)" "Lovejoy, Jane, Monday, half past ten." "Phone me when you get a moment, will you?" "Who was that?" " Lovejoy." " Ah." "He wasn't in." "You are." "That's nice." "The day's ours then?" "Why not?" "Well, it has no age at all." "It's about three months old at most." "But is there anything unusual?" "Anything that catches your eye, Mr. Beeston?" "(Sings in Arabic)" "We associate the dragon and the phoenix with the Berbers." "Those rugs are really from the Caucasus although there have been examples found in Turkey." "You'd need a professor of Islamic studies to tell you if that was significant." "Personally, I wouldn't pay more than 200 for it." "What about love messages from Muslim girls - couldn't it be that?" "In the villages, the girls might still follow that tradition, but not for export, I wouldn't think." "Yeah, but one of the rugs could've slipped out by mistake and our man could be after it, Lovejoy, cos his girlfriend's trying to tell him something." "There is one other possibility." "Some of these rugs coming out of North Africa recently, there have been rumors about messages concealed in the symbology   drug delivery times, that sort of thing." " The dragon." "Heroin." "(Beeston) But nobody's been able to prove it yet." "(Eric) Look, Tink, this could be a harbor." "And these four points here could be a date." "The fourth or the fourth month or four kilos - you could see how it might work, can't you?" "Yes, it could be a harbor." "It could also be my Auntie Fanny's shopping list." "(Phone) Lovejoy, Jane, Monday 10.30." "Phone me when you get a moment." "What're we gonna do with this rug, Lovejoy?" "Put it back in the pond, see who comes fishing." "But it's not ours to do that with, is it?" "It's Miss Fisher's and she won't sell." "She will, Eric, she will." "Come on, Eric... down the pub." "Bye, Eric." "He's in a funny mood, in't he?" " It's mine, innit?" " (Phone)" "Hello." "Hello?" " Felsham." " Hello, Alex, is Jane there?" "Not now, Lovejoy. (Hangs up)" "How long for?" "A year, maybe longer." "But we would fly back?" "Well, one wouldn't rule out an occasional..." " How would we run this place?" " Matthews would run it." "You'd put Matthews in sole charge?" "Yes, he's extremely efficient." "You're mad." "I trust Matthews with any business here." "Running Felsham is not just business, Alex, it's people, and you cannot abandon your people to a cold, grey automaton like Matthews." "Well, as I see it, there's no alternative." "Hong Kong is where the main thrust of my business life is at the moment." "And with the situation as it is out there, Hong Kong is where I have to be." "And if we're to continue to be married?" "It's like any number of professions, Jane - the army, the diplomatic service." " Good God, Alex!" " What?" "Do you want me living with you?" "But of course." "Socially." "Socially, you need me at your side." " It does help, yes." " Oh!" "It's been one hell of a year, Jane." "It doesn't let up, you know that." "One gets swept along without time for anything." "But in Hong Kong..." "What's the climate like in Hong Kong?" "Not unpleasant." "A lot better than out there." "Except in the rainy season, of course." "The truth is, I don't enjoy living in England anymore." "I've got a distaste for England." "I get my excitement abroad." "It's a different me." "More vibrant, more fully alive." "In the past seven months, do you know how many nights you've spent abroad?" " 162." " Oh, for God sake!" "You're asking me to give up everything I care about, even the small matter of a career, to go and live in a place that I don't know, where we're going to be kicked out of." "I've got to be absolutely certain where we stand." "Yes, so what are you saying?" "I'm saying... you're a healthy man, you've been away from your wife..." "Well, you know what I'm saying, Alex." "I'm not talking about some casual affair, though God knows these days." "I'm saying... is there someone else in the running for Hong Kong if I don't go?" "I shouldn't think so." "Well, is there someone else anyway?" "I don't know." "What do you mean?" "I don't know!" "I'm married to you." "What does that mean?" "It means what it means - we're married, for better or worse." "What are you trying to say?" "I'm saying that there might be is, some counterpart in my life to your relationship with Lovejoy." "But... but I've never slept with Lovejoy!" "It's not about sex, Jane." "An emotional relationship, even without sex, can be very powerful." "I always thought we had the Lovejoy thing under control between us." "Yes, well, I always tried to give that impression." "I'm sorry if it gave you pain." "No, no, it's all right." "It was... by and large understood." "And this..." "lady of yours... do I get any details?" "No." "But if I say yes to Hong Kong?" "She'll evaporate... along with Lovejoy." "Lot 56, a Berber rug from Morocco, as viewed." "This particular rug has already caused some interest." "Hello, Neil, not on the end of the phone today?" "What're you up to, Lovejoy?" "...with the unusual motif of the dragon and phoenix, more usually associated with oriental carpets." "The word is you're playing silly buggers." "Sometimes it takes two bites to appreciate the cherry." "Now, do I have an opening bid of 300?" "Thank you, sir." "At 350." "At 400." "At 450." "At 500." "At £500." "Are you all done at £500?" "At £500, I'm selling..." "Take up the running, Tink." " Right up to the tape?" " Within reason, yeah." "Six." "(Auctioneer) At 600, thank you, sir." "I have £600." "Seven." "At 800." "At 900." "I have £900 for this most unusual rug." "At 1,000." "At 1,100." "At 1,200." "At 1,300." "At 1,400." "At £1,400, the bid is against you, sir." "Have you all done at £1,400?" "Sold." "Well, nice work, Tink." "(Speaks Arabic)" "But who's going to pay for it?" "Don't ask me." "All right, officer, you got what you wanted?" "What's that?" "You're the drug squad, they went thataway." "Lovejoy, you called me down here saying drug runners are sending messages in carpets." "You ever met a drug baron, Lovejoy?" "If they'd have wanted that carpet, they'd have ended up with it, believe me." "As it is, they haven't and you have." "Look, do me a favor next time you get a bright idea, keep it to yourself." "We're playing a very dangerous game here, Lovejoy." "The law doesn't agree, Tink." "As far as they're concerned, we're in the clear." "I don't hold with drugs myself." "I won't pretend that I don't enjoy the occasional drink, but alcohol isn't a drug, is it, Lovejoy?" " Yes, it is." " They're very dangerous people!" "When I die, I want to die in my bed, by myself, without any help from others." "Well, I reminded her of her favorite niece, Nancy," " she's at university..." " Lovejoy." "Harriet said she would leave it to her in her will, so I took Lovejoy's advice and I reminded her once again about the dangers of theft." "Anyway, it seems to have had the desired effect because suddenly, last night at supper, she announced she would sell..." "Well, done, Potty." "...on condition, you replace it with one she likes as much." "Tell her it's a deal." "I find all of this very... unsettling, Mr. Potts." "At least the commission on the vase should cover what we're losing on the rugs." "What you're losing, Lovejoy." "Job for you, Eric." "Scour the neighborhood, look for something to bung umbrellas in." " Preferably blue." " Preferably blue." " How much have I got to spend?" " Whatever it takes." "Right." "Any time today'll do, Eric." "All right, all right." "(Laughs) Look at that." " Blue, Eric." " Blue." "Ah." "Lovejoy." "Lovejoy?" "(Knock on door)" "Eric!" "Well, go on!" "What's he doing?" "Hey!" "Hey!" "He's coming back." "Oh, I get it." "All right, Abdel, time's up." "Can't say we haven't tried." "Masquerading as a carpet cleaner." "We should call the police like Jane suggested." "Why you want to know?" "It's my life, not yours." "Why you want to interfere, you're not policeman?" "You've broken the law." "I've done no harm." "He has a point, Lovejoy." "Yes, he was very polite." "He's stolen from two houses, one of them mine." "He's nicked 600 quid's worth of gear." " Three." " What?" "Three." "He's given you your rug back." "Yeah, 300 quid's worth of gear." "We can negotiate." "What?" "If it isn't drugs, Abdel, and it's nothing criminal, can't you tell us what it is?" "It's a good question." "It could be arms dealing." " You got a cigarette?" " No." " No?" " Sorry." " No?" " No." "More mint tea?" "It's my girlfriend, I ask her to marry me." "In Muslim tradition, she put her answer in this rug." "I work for her Uncle Said, he in the carpet business." "This is one of his." "Big family." "Well..." "Only he knows her answer." "Only he can interpret." "The carpet is sold in auction," "I have to get it back to know if my girl..." "to know my future." "That's what I said, Lovejoy." "(Clears throat) You want us... to believe this?" "How romantic... if it's true." "No, it is true, it is true." "You ask Uncle Said." "Ask him... and put me out of my torment." " Oh, Abdel..." " (Sobs)" "Don't worry." "Ohh!" "Well, what d'you think the truth is?" "Is it a scam for drugs or arms with Uncle Said playing Sydney Greenstreet, or is there, as the lady says, still such a thing as romance?" "And are there fairies at the bottom of my garden?" "Oh!" "Yes... young Abdel has been absolutely truthful with you." "It is a tradition in the village I come from." "I have a beautiful niece." "This young man wants to marry her." "Frankly, I am not convinced of his suitability." "But the girl has put her feelings into a message in the rug." "Be seated, Mr. Lovejoy." "So, she could be saying "I love you but you need to lose a couple of pounds"" "or "It's your brother I fancy" but she communicates through the knots." "As you say." "And that's all this has been about?" " What else?" " You've gone to a lot of trouble." "Well, when the heart rules." "You, I meant." "You've gone to a lot of trouble." "I mean, you put one of your rugs up for auction, then you let it rise way above market price and risk having to buy it back." "You lose it and you steal it back from the person who did buy it - a harmless innocent lady - more risk involved there." "You bid for it a second time, you lose it again, then you get Johnson from the auction rooms to tell you its new home, my place, and then you try and nick it again." "All this for a love message - when Abdel could get an answer without breaking the tradition by simply placing a long-distance telephone call?" "No, it's a fairy story, isn't it?" "Isn't it?" "Or is it?" "Or is it about arms or is it about drugs or is it?" "(Laughs) Where is the rug now?" "Where it can't be taken to the cleaners." "What's it worth to you?" "All right, I will tell you, for I sense that you and I, Lovejoy, are birds of the same feather." "No, it is not drugs or arms, of course not, that is nonsense." "To communicate in a rug?" "!" "I know it is the world we live in, to expect so little of the human race, that we are always thinking the worst, but appearances can be deceptive." "For I tell you, you are looking at a merchant, yes, by necessity, but also a gentleman, a scholar and a poet." "Really?" "A year ago, a man arrived at my village." "A Bedouin, blind from birth, but he had a song to sing to us." "From the subconscious of an uneducated man there came forth pictures and patterns of an ancient culture that was not his own - from beyond the Euphrates River and even as far as India itself." "So many fascinating questions were raised of memory, of our own North African Berber history - even of the mysteries of reincarnation itself." "I put the carpet on show for auction as a test." "I make no claims." "I wait to see if there is anyone who shares my excitement." "Yes, there is - a headmistress." "I am thrilled to bits." "She bought it for her dog." "What?" "Dog?" "What about the second time - that military gentleman?" "Oh, Major Dill?" "The major's quite a scholar." "He saw something?" "Must've done to pay that price for an ordinary Berber rug." "I understand he's having it checked by a Cambridge professor of Islamic linguistics." "Good, good!" "Excellent!" "When shall we have the verdict?" "Blind illiterate Bedouin visionaries?" "More likely he's trying to create a phony market for Moroccan carpets." "Not such a bad idea, Tink." "We've gotta check out Uncle Said's claims and whip up a bit of interest." "We need a top man in Islamic linguistics." "Any ideas?" "Real or imaginary?" "Doesn't matter to us, we're in possession." "Ah, Harriet Fisher's in possession." "That's what I meant, Tink, we're doing this for her." "For her." "I know a bloke down the pub who's got a brother..." " (Phone)" " Just set it up, Tink." "Don't mind if I have a large one while I'm there, do you, Lovejoy?" "(Phone) Lovejoy Antiques, Lovejoy." "Please come." "(Lovejoy) Jane?" "Janey?" "So when was this?" "Yesterday, after breakfast." "I thought we could negotiate, but it became clear that he was forcing me to choose." "Hong Kong." "Mm." "Why didn't we talk about this?" "You were busy." "Anyway... it was really a decision I had to make on my own - no conferring." "Don't you agree?" "Anyway... on Thursday night I told him that I wasn't going to Hong Kong with him, and he seemed to take that as a cue that our marriage was over." "We passed a very silent night... then he announced, tersely, that he had business in London and he'd be staying at his club." "Janey?" "Yes?" "Would you... ever... consider... selling your umbrella stand?" "Mm?" "Mm?" "You know, I think I... almost prefer it." "Whew!" "Lovejoy." "Thank you." "Sherman also attributes the dragon zeiles to Dagestan." "Presumably he means Cesur and the vernaise to Chevan, slightly to the south." "Is he still going on?" "He is, however, a somewhat confused authority, since the origin of both types is probably Carabach, which is even further southwest." "But the large S, you see, has most commonly been interpreted as a highly stylized dragon." "You can see how its degenerated into an abstract form with only the vestiges of its original zoomorphism." "Professor Ottway, what does this all mean?" " Mean?" " Yes, what does it mean?" "What does it mean?" "I'm sorry, I thought I'd made it quite clear." "What it means is, that you're in possession of one of the most remarkable, fascinating and original discoveries in North African Islamic history." "Lovejoy!" "All right, Uncle, first things first." "Your family, you can translate it, put the poor lad out of his misery." " He doesn't like me, he won't tell the truth." " Yes, he does, he's a gentleman, a scholar and a poet." "She says you have a wonderful smile." "She says her heart is yours." "She says she will marry you... (Laughs) ...if Uncle Said gives his permission." "We will discuss that later." "What news from Cambridge?" "Come on, what has the scholar pronounced?" "Well, he's still at it, you'll be pleased to hear, Uncle." "You know these scholars once they get stuck in, eh, Eric?" "Apparently some of the zoomorphism has gone, which is not a bad thing." " He's writing a PhD on it." " He's gonna post it to you." "Now, this carpet, Uncle, we all know the value of this." " Yes, I remember." " Bought it by auction the other day." "I was there." "A friend of mine, she sold it by mistake." "I have grown rather fond of it." "The dragon and the phoenix." "Ah, yes, the yan and the ying, representing marital harmony." " Of course in the Mongol period..." " Shut up, Eric." " The thing is, Uncle, would you be prepared..." " To sell to you?" "...to make a beautiful lady happy?" "Yeah, of course he will." "Shut up, Abdel." "Now, let me see, how much did I pay for it?" "Three thousand." "So, I'm offering you two with the scholarship, excuse me gentlemen, on this one, which I've already started, thrown in." "If the authentication comes good, then the price of all your carpets goes up and you will have a nice little run going, won't you?" "A series of Berber carpets all as valuable as this one." "No, no, no!" "I'm talking about this one." "Three thousand." "And a half." "He would." "You would, wouldn't you?" "You'd sting me for the other 500." "That one's already gone for two and a half grand in two buys before authentication " "I've got you on a roll here." "Three thousand and a half for this one, take it or leave it." "No soul." "No romance." "Gentleman, scholar, poet?" "Just a peddler." "Just like you, my friend." "Three." "And one, two..." "Well, you lost 1,400 on the second auction when Tinker bought it, and there's the six, well, seven umbrella stands." "Seven?" "I didn't put the pothole there, did I?" "They didn't even have the signs up, did they?" "Too busy making tea, weren't they?" "Well, let's say that's 750 down on them cos George Marr said your credit wasn't up to it, and as far as he's concerned, you might as well be running a furniture removal business the way you're carrying on." "Saskia, get out of my chair." "(Door closes)" "One check." "One rug." "Oh, Lovejoy, you brought it back." "And a good job too." "Let's get this on the floor." "Lovejoy, Saskia's been sulking ever since the rug was pulled out from underneath him, so to speak." "He won't budge from Mr. Potts' chair now." "Saskia, to your rug." "Russell, you'll have to be patient - you know what he's like." "It may be that he just prefers the chair." "Well, maybe he does but it's my chair." "Well, we'll just have to find another chair." "But there's no guarantee he'll like the new chair, is there?" "Not for Saskia, Russell, for you." "But I like this one!" "Lovejoy!" "Lovejoy!" "(Eric) So, there's the 1,400 on the second auction when Tink bought it, then the 750 on the umbrella stands, then the three and a half grand you paid Uncle for Lady Jane's rug," "then the earlier expenses, various, and laying it all off against your commission on the vase, which you're being very coy about, by my reckoning..." "Everybody is happy, Eric." "I'm happy," "Tinker's obviously happy," "Said's happy, Abdel's happy," "Harriet's happy and Jane will be deliriously happy." "But I'm not happy, Lovejoy." "Where's Lovejoy going now?" "Inside to return a carpet." "Well, Professor Ottway completed his verdict on the blind tribesman and it's genuine, like I tried to tell him." "Oh, pull the other one, Tink!" "It's true, there's stuff in here a Bedouin couldn't have known about." "Silaise and Vernaise, the Sumacs." "Those carpets are gonna make old Said a lot of money." "What and this Professor Ottway is kosher?" "Of course he is." "He's the chair of Islamic studies at Cambridge University." "He's got letters after his name as long as your arm - look." "Old Howard's brother down the pub?" "Who did Lovejoy think it was?" "Well, he thought it was one of your, uh..." "So did I." "So, it is worth something?" "What we talking about, Tink - five, six grand?" "So we got something out of this fiasco after all!" "We haven't got anything!" "It doesn't belong to us." "It belongs to an Irish wolfhound." "Oh, Lovejoy!" "He sells a rug, he buys a rug, then he buys another rug, then he buys the first one back again." "The umbrella stands." "That's right and the umbrella stands." "So that's five deals he's done and all of them up the spout." "He's lost money on every single one." "He's lost his touch, his magic." "There's more to life than deals, Eric." "What?" "I don't think Lovejoy's lost his touch." "He might have lost his heart though." "Eh?" "(Sighs)" "I owe you." "No, you don't." "I covered it." "Lovejoy?" "Thank you."