"DiGiovanni." "(applause, cheering, whistling)" "DEBRA:" "Hi, everybody." "Well, good evening, everyone." "Oh." "Hi, everybody." "Oh, you look fantastic, everyone." "Of course I'm already drunk, but still, you look good, everybody." "So, it's lovely to be here." "Thank you for giving me plans." "Seriously, this is exciting to be out in the evening." "Oh, you gave me a reason to get out of my pajamas." "Good work, everybody." "Thank you." "Actually, these are my pajamas." "Who am I kidding?" "I'll sleep in this." "I really will." "Um, it's but it's nice." "I just flew in a couple days ago." "I'm a good flyer." "Doesn't bother me." "I'm not scared to fly, nothing." "But this happens every once in a while." "You know, when you're on a flight?" "They shut the door, no one else is getting on, and you realize there's an empty seat in your row." "(shuddering gasp)" "That's the best moment in the world." "Are you kidding me?" "Empty seat... that's like first class for white trash." "Do you know what I'm saying, gang?" "Oh, my God, empty seat." "So exciting, all right?" "This is what happened to me on the way down." "I'm sitting at the window." "There was a gentleman beside me, and here's the thing." "The empty seat is the aisle seat, okay?" "So I give him the celebration elbow." "I give him one these." "I'm, like, "Right on, yeah."" "I'm excited." "I expect him to celebrate with me, but he looks at me in the face, and he's, like, "Actually," "I prefer the middle seat."" "And I was, like, "What?" "What did you just say?" "I'm sorry..."" "Did you just tell me you're an asshole?" "Is that what you said?" "Because your accent is very strong." "What?" "!" "Are you kid...?" "You prefer the middle seat?" "Let me tell you, I ruined his flight;" "I ruined his flight." "Are you kidding?" "He was trying to sleep." "I kept touching his face." "Do you know what I mean?" "I'm all... (laughter)" "He woke up with a different part in his hair." "That'll teach him." "That'll teach him!" "It's your job, everyone, to teach people manners." "Um, also, I have to fly quite a bit, and this happens." "This happens." "Have you ever had to be on one of those little, tiny, small planes?" "One of those little passenger planes when there's only, like, seven people on the plane?" "I had to take one a little while ago, and the airline that I was flying on was called Bearskin" "Airlines, which, at first, I was like, "Oh, sexy."" "Uh, but it's not." "It's not sexy." "I thought it was gonna be big, shirtless, hairy guys bringing me drinks." "No." "Just terrifying." "That's it." "And there's something you need to remember in your travels, everybody." "If you ever get onto the stairs of your aircraft, and the whole fuckin' plane moves... no, not a good idea." "Yeah." "I'm serious." "I got on the stairs, and the plane... it tipped on me." "I'm, like... (humming)" "(screaming)" "The whole plane." "Seriously." "I had to get someone to put their foot down so I could get on it." ""Hold it." "Hold the plane."" "And then I got on." "Scary stuff, everyone." "And the worst part about this, all right, is that six people on the plane, but there's another woman about my size about to board the plane, all right?" "I panicked." "I panicked." "You've had that moment, waiting for an elevator, haven't you?" "Yeah, two women my size show up for the same elevator, and you start to do math in your head." "I know you do it." "I know you do it." "I know you do it!" "You're, like, "2,500." "Oh, my!"" "(laughter)" ""Carry the two!" "Carry the two!"" "It's scary." "It's a scary moment." "And that happens to me." "That's like an elevator shootout." "Do you know what I mean?" "It was, like, "All right, sister, only one of us is going up... who's it gonna be?" "Who's it gonna be?"" "And then I punch her in the neck, and then I run." "That's what I do, everybody." "I'm lying." "I don't run." "Anyway, um, what I do..." "I do..." "I'm from the East Coast, so I love it when you have a big time zone change." "You know what I mean?" "Got the big space." "Oh, it makes me feel so exciting." "You know, you feel like when you have a big time zone, no one knows who you are." "Sometimes I'm a different person." "I pretend that I'm a different person." "So the last time I came out to the West Coast, I was, like," ""Nobody knows me here." "I'm gonna be a totally different" "Debra."" "So I decided that I would flirt with guys." "'Cause you know what?" "I think I should give it a chance." "I'm in my late 30's." "This is the chance." "Go for it, Debra." "Try talking to men." "You can do it, all right?" "Wrong." "I can't do it." "So what happens is this." "I start to flirt with the first, like, stationary man that I saw." "I was, like, "Oh, you're not moving." "You're my type." "Hello."" "Seriously." "No, seriously." "Or I think I flirted." "I'm not totally sure what I did, to be honest." "You know, I tried." "I smiled, I tossed my hair a couple times, and then, I think" "I punched him." "I don't remember what happened." "I panicked..." "You know, I blacked out for a while." "Uh, but then I came to in my hotel room, so I thought, "Wow, that must have went well."" "That must have gone well, everybody." "I'm here." "But here's the thing." "On a long flight..." "like, five hour, six hour flight... and it's..." "I'm a human being, all right?" "So, I have to use the bathroom." "Human, all right?" "Uh, now the next part of the story... not my fault." "All right, the toilet overflowed, all right." "Now this is not..." "This is not my fault, because I am a delicate rose, all right?" "That is clearly a faulty toilet, all right?" "So, I've been in the room for 90 seconds maybe, and then I have to phone down to the front desk." "I'm, like, "Hi." "I overflowed the toilet."" "Even the girl on the phone was, like, "What the fuck?" "!" "You've been there for five seconds."" "I was, like, "All right, I know." "Just send someone, all right?"" "So in my mind, they're gonna send, like, maintenance, or, like, housekeeping or something." "But, no, at this hotel, they send the cute guy from the front desk that I was trying to flirt with." "That is who they sent." "(laughter)" "That's who they sent to plunge my business." "Do you see what I'm saying?" "Yeah." "And not in the sexy way that I had planned, either." "I'm gonna tell you..." "Changed the weekend, I'll tell you that." "Not good, everybody." "But then, I'm out here, and so I have some... couple friends, and they're, like, "Don't worry." "We'll make this better, Debra." "Don't worry." "So, um, uh, they said, "We'll take you out after."" "I'm, "Great."" "I got out, we have a nice evening, and then, one of my friends... because, you know," "West Coast... they have medicinal marijuana, all right, so..." "'Cause you know, he's very sick, my friend, so he... (laughter)" "He's very sick." "So, we go out together, and you know, he rolls his joint." "All right, he rolls this little tiny, like a little pinner, like a skinny one." "And I had that moment where I was, like, "Really?" "This is what you brought?" "I'm a guest." "A little rude."" "Anyway, I'm just saying." "This is it." "Whatever." "But he doesn't tell me that it's medicinal marijuana, okay?" "So we smoke this joint." "I'm telling you, I had, like, one drag off of it, and I was so high that I had to spend the rest of my night in my hotel room, convincing myself I wasn't" "gonna die." "Do you know what I mean?" ""Your heart's not gonna explode." "You're not melting." "You're not melting!"" "This is what..." "And the problem is, I overflowed the toilet again." "Damn it!" "Again, I know." "(laughter)" "Which is what, really, I consider the second date." "I'm not gonna lie to you." "I was, like, "You're back!" "Hi, there!"" "Yeah, I can't go back to that hotel." "Anyway..." "I can't." "Um, here's something." "This is..." "It's a terrifying moment." "I'm getting a little older." "It happens to all of us, everyone." "But the things that they don't tell you is that you start turning into your parents, and it's a scary, scary moment." "Like, this is something, all right?" "Now as..." "I'm old, all right?" "Now, when it rains, I don't carry an umbrella anymore." "Now I use one of those little plastic rain bonnets that your mom used to wear." "Do you remember those?" "'Cause my mom..." "My mom would wear that." "You think it would look... no, she didn't want to get her perm wet." "That was my mom's problem." "I'm, like, "Yeah, 'cause that would look stupid, a wet perm." "That would look foolish, Mom." "But a plastic bag on your head... fuckin' fantastic." "Good work, old woman." "I like your style, old woman."" "Are you kidding?" "And this is another thing." "I didn't know this was gonna happen." "Suddenly, I'm a techno phobe." "Oh, God." "I..." "Too much technology now." "I got your basics in technology." "But the iPhone and all the applications." "You know what I mean?" "The kids with their apps." "'Cause they don't say application, 'cause that's a big word with syllables and stuff." "Too much for the kids." "So they say, "app," you know?" "But I'm of the age that "app"" "used to be short for appetizer." "Do you remember that?" "(laughter)" "Those were better days." "Those were better days, everybody." "Are you kidding me?" "Someone's like, "Have you tried the new app?"" "I'm, like, "Oh, fuck, I hope it has bacon." "Oh, my God." "Oh, my God."" "(laughter)" "Please..." "Are you kidding?" "And I do..." "One of my favorite things is, I love..." "I love the texting, you know, the auto correct and stuff." "I think that's a lot of fun." "You know when your texting something and you think you're sending a message, and then when actually send it, it was totally messed up?" "I had this..." "This happened to me." "A couple weeks ago..." "I live in a little apartment building, and one of my sinks got clogged, all right?" "And there's a dude down my hall... one of my neighbors... is the best neighbor in the world." "He's an electrician, he's a carpenter, he's a plumber, he's a drug dealer... he's perfect." "Do you understand what I'm saying?" "Best guy ever, all right?" "So I go and I text him." "And what I thought I sent was," ""Hey." "Hey, Jack." "My sink is clogged."" "What I actually sent was, "Hey," "Jack, my dink is clogged."" "That's what I sent him." "(laughter)" "He did not respond." "He did not respond." "And I think he moved out." "But anyway, that's it." "I don't need him." "And another." "This is something else that I..." "You know, you don't know this about me." "How would you?" "You don't know me." "I have a twin sister, but she's not under my shirt right now." "Fuck you, people." "Seriously, grow up." "Grow up." "We separated a while ago." "But..." "I..." "And you know, my..." "We're friends." "We're friends." "We're very different, though, my sister and I." "We're not identical." "We're fraternal." "And she's..." "We're really different." "Like, she's winning." "My mom and dad like her way better than me, and it's because..." "There's a lot of reasons." "She's good." "You know, she's thin." "Uh, she's married." "She loves Jesus." "And I love Jesus, too." "I love Jesus, too." "Except, you know, sexually." "Um, I do." "Oh, God." "So, don't kid yourself." "Jesus is hot." "Are you joking me?" "Long hair and a beard?" "Oh, my God." "Barefoot?" "Oh, fuck." "Are you kidding?" "Give him a skateboard... he's fucking perfect." "Do you understand what I'm saying?" "Jesus." "And you can laugh at that, 'cause he's not here." "You can laugh, everyone." "It's okay." "It's okay." "Is it too soon for Jesus jokes?" "Is it too soon?" "All right." "2,000 years not enough?" "Okay, I'll give it another month." "Anyway, whatever." "Whatever, you know?" "Well, this is the thing." "My sister... okay, she keeps having babies." "All right, she's got a bunch of babies." "I've lost count." "I don't know." "And she just had a new, fresh baby, all right?" "A little girl." "And she had her, like, November." "Had a little, tiny baby girl." "Has the baby, gives birth, looks down at this baby and decides to name her Beatrice Gwendolyn." "That's a big name for a baby, isn't it?" "Beatrice Gwendolyn?" "I'm, like, really?" "She was born at eight pounds, nine ounces, and 97 years old." "97 years..." "I..." "Poor..." "I'm, like, "Are the other Golden" "Girls coming?"" "What's happening here?" "Are you joking?" "Please." "Now even though I mock her quite a bit, we're still friends." "And I usually try to, um..." "For our birthday, we get together, and we have, like, a little celebration." "And I always try to make like, uh, like some sort of goal for myself during the year." "Like, some things that I need to do." "This year I've decided I need a hobby." "Do you have hobbies?" "Does anyone have a hobby?" "Except for sitting and staring, do you have a fuckin' hobby?" "Seriously." "(laughter)" "Hours." "Hours of that." "Are you joking?" "And I..." "What I do, though..." "I do, um..." "I enjoy..." "I enjoy panicking." "Uh, I enjoy worrying." "Quite a bit." "I'm one of those people that when I get something in my head," "I can't let it go." "I can't let it go." "Like, a couple months ago, one of my eyes was twitching, and it twitched, like, all day long." "24/7, just twitched, twitched, twitched." "Panicked." "I started..." "I Googled it clearly." "I was, like, "Oh, it's eye cancer." "Oh, my God."" "I'm panicking." "Do you know what I mean?" "I made an eye patch that I wore at my house, you know, out of, you know, paper towel and masking tape." "I wore it around my house, you know." "My friends were, like, "Just go to the doctor, Debra, just please."" "So I go to the ophthalmologist." "All right, that's what it is." "I looked it up." "So I go to this doctor, all right, and I go in." "I pay, like, $85, and all she says to me is, "You're tired and kind of weird." "Could you leave my office?"" "That's about..." "Now here's the thing." "I should tell you this, though." "Don't go to the eye doctor high." "Don't go stoned to the eye doctor." "Bad idea." "I was scared, so I had that moment." "I was, like, "Should I smoke this fatty before I go?" "Yes, I should!"" "And then here's the thing, everyone." "I don't know if you know this, but the eye doctor... they spend the entire appointment looking into your eyes." "Are you aware of that?" "The whole time." "She was asking me questions I couldn't answer." "Do you know?" "She's, like, "Are you aware that only have pupil?" "There's no iris at all."" "I'm, like, "Is that a problem," "Officer?" "I..." "What?" "I..."" "She was..." "She wanted me to read the eye chart." "She's, like, "Can you see the" "E?"" "And I'm, like, "Look it." "I'm not on E. What the fuck!"" "And then I left." "I..." "I danced out of that office, but you know, I had to go 'cause there were spiders on me." "You know how it is." "Um, so that's one thing..." "I need a hobby." "I couple other things, too." "This is a big one, you know." "I've decided..." "You know, as I get older, I've decided that I need to start sexually fantasizing within my own age group." "Do you know what I mean?" "I got to take it up a couple years." "Just a couple years." "Seriously, no more Hanson and" "Harry Potter." "I have to let it go." "(laughter, light applause)" "Is that just me?" "Seriously, Harry Potter?" "No one else?" "Come on!" "Are you kidding?" "Harry Potter?" "Whoa." "He could potter my Harry." "Uh..." "Oh!" "I don't know what that means." "I don't know what that means." "I just..." "It sounds like fun." "Oh." "(laughter)" "But it's trouble." "I'm gonna tell you this." "Like, I..." "There's this term." "Have you heard of this?" "Cougar?" "Do you know what a cougar is?" "(audience whooping)" "Yeah!" "All right!" "And I'll see you after the show." "Um... (laughter)" "I can't, I want to be a cougar." "Like, I can't wait to be a cougar." "I'm, like, how old do you have to be to be a cougar?" "Is there a test that I have to take to become a cougar?" "'Cause if there is a cougar test, I hope there's no running." "Jesus Christ, I fucking... (laughter)" "If I show up for my cougar test, and there's, like, an obstacle course, I'm done." "That's it." "I'm out." "Tell the world my story." "Go on without me." "Thank you very much." "It's too much." "And I said that once on a show." "I was, like, "I want to be a cougar."" "And then there was a cougar in the crowd, all right?" "A woman, not an animal." "Um, but she was wearing leopard print." "Not the point of the story." "The thing is, she screams out to me." "She's like, "Hey, Debra, you're doing it wrong, Debra." "You don't chase the young men, you trap them," that's what she said." "And I'm like, "That's a weird thing to say."" "Isn't that the strangest thing?" "But then I thought about it." "I went back to my hotel room and" "I was like, what would a cougar trap look like, you know what" "I mean?" "What would that...?" "So I got a little piece of paper and a pen and stuff; started making some sketches, you know what I mean?" "And I got a protractor out of my purse." "I don't know why I had it in my purse, I really don't." "Normally I use it for stabbing." "Today, circles, boom, this is it, yeah." "And I started thinking, I think what if I like, what if I dug a hole..." "like a deep, big, wide hole, you know what I mean, and then I covered it up with leaves and branches and stuff." "Some foliage, you know what I mean, to disguise it." "Used a skateboard as a lure." "Put a little Pizza Pop on the end or something... (screams)" "See what I get... yeah!" "A little baseball cap goes up..." "I'm like, "I got one!"" "Ah!" "Yeah!" "But that's not going to happen, 'cause I don't fuckin' shovel." "I don't shovel, are you kidding?" "Effort... no thank you." "But here's something." "Now this is, I got to tell you, this is my favorite cougar story." "I'm not proud, but I'm going to tell it to you, all right?" "I work on a show in Canada, where I'm from, a music show, all right?" "And every year they have, like, this big video awards party, okay?" "And I go this past summer, and I am, you know, standing in the hall, at the party, just up against the wall shivering, you know, waiting for shrimp... that's what I do." "A lot of fun." "And Justin Bieber is there, he's at the party." "And so all of his people come out and they're like, "Clear the hall."" "You know, Bieber's coming," ""Clear the hall."" "I don't move, 'cause I'm like," ""You know what, Bieber, go around, man, go around," all right?" "Whatever, all right?" "So he comes out, he comes out, walks past me." "We make eye contact and I give him one of these, I'm like this." "Hmm, whatever." "But then he stops, okay?" "Turns around, comes back, leans in and says, "Hey, Debra..."" "That's my name by the way..." "Debra." "Justin..." "Justin Bieber knows my name." "Leans in and says, "Hey, Debra," "I love you on that show," okay?" "He's 16, I'm 39." "This is my answer." "(hysterical laughter)" "Yeah, yeah, they dragged me out of the party." "They dragged me out of the party." "That's okay, 'cause my purse was full of shrimp, so I was ready to go." "I was ready to go." "Okay, so another one of the decisions I've decided to make in my life... one of the changes" "I've decided to make, is that this is the year I'm getting into shape." "Seriously." "Or soon." "Not yet, but soon." "I'm working, I'm working towards..." "And you know, honestly, there's a lot of reasons for getting into shape." "Like, seriously, I don't think you should just stand and sweat." "I'm pretty sure..." "I think this might be wrong." "Is there a doctor in the house?" "That can't be right, everybody." "But a lot of reasons." "You see, 'cause honestly I can't compete with the girls." "In, like, summertime, I stay home in the summer, that is it." "Thin girls, you get the summer, that's yours." "Live it up for four months, have fun, all right?" "'Cause I see you out there in your little tops, your little half shirts, I get it." "Go out there, get out there, metabolize or whatever it is you do." "I'm not a scientist." "But go, I love it, I see you." "See, I wait until, like, the winter." "You know, the minute it gets cold, I make my move, that's what I do." "Put a little cardigan on, boom," "I'm out the door, do you understand what I'm saying?" "And this is it, I get it." "Because at that point, when it gets cold, the thin girls, you know, you got to put your shirts back on." "And then what are you going to do?" "Talk?" "Um, anyway... (laughter)" "(cheering and applause)" "Okay, I should have told you," "I'm a bit biased." "I should have mentioned off the top..." "I do have a disclaimer for my show that I should have mentioned." "The fact that I'm a big woman, has not affected my ability to judge other people." "It hasn't at all, at all!" "Let's judge, let's judge, shall we?" "But, no, actually, to be honest with you, I did lose a little bit of weight recently." "But then I found it again." "What the fuck, seriously?" "It was in the fridge." "Who puts it there?" "Every time I..." "Son of a bitch!" "There it is..." "Oh!" "I live alone, I don't know how that happens." "But the one thing... you know, you always have one of those moments, like a moment of clarity where you realize no, this is it, this is it." "Time to get into shape." "I did a show, a corporate show, all right, a couple months ago." "And I didn't know who the company was." "I just show up, you know, to do my business." "And I realize that everyone is really casual." "They're all, like, in workout wear... sweatpants and stuff." "I'm like, uh-oh, what's going on?" "So I find out that me, this woman you see standing before you, I'm performing for the people of a fitness club." "Yeah, me." "I had a moment where I was like, is this an intervention?" "Seriously, is this...?" "(laughter)" "Are my parents here?" "Oh, my God, seriously?" "!" "Lovely people, very good people." "They wouldn't give me my check until I did two laps, but whatever, that's why..." "And they're nice." "They gave me a free membership to their club, you know what" "I mean?" "I'm like, that's very nice." "So I go to join up at this little fitness place." "So I go in and I, I just want to say hi and look around, you know, get my little card and stuff." "But the first thing they do at this gym is I walk in and they give me a body fat test, the first thing they do." "Which is not the greatest way to greet people, do you know what" "I'm saying?" "That's not really..." "And it's not fair either, because I didn't get a chance to study or prepare for my body fat test... not fair." "But don't worry, everyone, I still passed." "But this is something you should know." "50% on a body fat test is not... not a good score." "That's not a good score." "You know, I was like, oh, I don't have to rate the exam." "No, everybody." "At 50% body fat, seriously, I think that makes me cream." "I think that technically makes me cream, doesn't it?" "I'm dying alone, but I'm delicious with coffee." "Shut your face." "Seriously?" "Seriously?" "Yeah, just looking for my" "Coffee-mate." "(laughter)" "I'm so lonely." "Anyway... back to happy." "No, God bless." "No, this one, they also, they gave me a personal trainer." "I had to carry her around, it was so strange." "Fabulous little human person." "And she's very small..." "like this little, tiny thing there." "And she's screaming at me all the time." "I'm, like, really?" "I could kill you with one hand, little girl." "Keep talking..." "So small." "Like, there are those moments sometimes, and I look at her and" "I think, "How are we the same species," do you know what I mean?" "We're both girls." "I have no idea how her body works, I have no idea." "Her hips are that wide." "Do you see this over there?" "And I know this for sure, because I measured her." "You know, she was too weak to get away." "So hungry, poor thing." "She kept trying." "I kept pulling her back." "It was fun." "But this is my question for the world and Earth and science." "If your hips are this narrow, how do you have internal organs?" "Seriously, what is going on inside your body?" "Are they stacked up like pancakes?" "What is happening in there?" "Oh, pancakes." "(laughter)" "Um, okay, no." "Now is the time for focus." "Pancakes later." "But anyway... now this-this little girl, she sends me to my doctor because, I don't know if you guys have heard of this before, but there's this new way to lose weight." "It's called eating less and exercising." "Have you heard about that?" "Huh?" "Sounds like bullshit to me, it really does." "I need more proof, you know." "So I go in to this doctor, and" "God bless, I've known my doctor forever, all right?" "Like, I've been her patient for 15 years." "So we're pretty comfortable now." "I can ask her anything, you know?" "And every year she wants to talk about the weight loss, and she's trying to keep me motivated, God bless." "She says to me, "Debra, you know what you need?" "You need, like, a mantra that you tell yourself."" "So she says to me, "Live like you're dying tomorrow."" "Now that's a beautiful sentiment..." "live like there's one day left on Earth... it's beautiful." "But you can't say that to a big woman on a diet." "Do you understand what I'm saying?" "(laughter)" "Because if I am dying tomorrow, who give a fuck about tonight?" "Are you kidding me?" "Are you kidding?" "Really?" "(applause)" "If I am dying tomorrow, tonight it's going to be KFC skin with icing." "Shut up, shut up." "Everything with icing, everything." "Have you tried it..." "Kentucky frosted chicken?" "It is delicious." "Have you tried it?" "That is also my idea." "Call me if you see that on the menu." "But anyway, still, all right?" "Another thing... my doctor's trying to give me, um, good ways to lose weight." "She tells me I should eat organically, all right?" "So I go home..." "I don't know what that means." "So I go home and I look it up, I" "Google that." "And then when I was on line, I found a way better way to lose weight, okay?" "I did." "So now I'm just crossing my fingers and, like, hoping that I could get, like, a parasite." "Are you kidding?" "Like, a tapeworm?" "Shut up!" "Oh, my God, it's like a metabolism buddy." "Are you kidding me?" "Seriously, you just sit there, they do all the work." "I'm not joking." "My friend, I have a friend who's a nurse, and she went to Africa to do some nursing." "When she was in Africa, she got a parasite." "And now she can eat whatever she wants." "Like, whatever she wants, okay?" "Okay, she's gone now, but fuck, she looked good." "Uh, no, I'm just kidding." "I'm just kidding." "I'm just kidding." "I don't hang out with fit girls." "Anyway..." "What?" "Now another one, too." "I've also done all the stupid diets." "I'm that jerk." "You know, you hear the things on the radio, that they're like," ""Lose 30 pounds in 20 minutes."" "So, I'm, like, "That sounds safe."" "What's that?" I'm a jerk." "I'm a jerk, all right?" "The last diet I did was the cabbage soup diet." "Has anyone done that before?" "Oh!" "Okay, this is the diet they give you before you're gonna have surgery, all right?" "So the hospital, all you eat is cabbage soup." "Now I don't know if you know what just eating cabbage does to your intestinal system." "(chuckles) Here's the thing, all right?" "I'm serious." "You lose a lot of weight, but you also lose all your fucking friends." "Do you understand what" "I'm saying?" "Seriously, they're, like, "You look good, Debra, from far... farther!"" "I'm serious." "It is, it is trouble." "Like, I'm not joking." "My stomach would make noises in the middle of the night that I didn't know was humanly possible." "I had no idea." "I'm, like, "Is that my stomach or is a raccoon killing my cat in the hall?"" "What?" "You know?" "I'm not getting up," "I'm not getting up." "Seriously, fight for mama." "Fuck cats, seriously." "He's had it good." ""Earn your rent" is what" "I'm saying to the cat." "God bless." "So, you know, fine." "So my doctor, again, trying to be helpful." "And now she's doing my, uh, the physical, right?" "So I had the physical appointment, fantastic." "She's writing stuff on my chart." "And I want to know what she's writing down." "I'm very inquisitive." "So, I'm, like, "What do you got there?"" "She says to me, "Well, Debra, there's something you should know at your age." "Your uterus, Debra, has a very long neck."" "That's what she said to me." "And I was, like, "Well," "(chuckles) thank you for noticing." "My uterus has a long neck?" "What?" "And then she wrote me a prescription, you know, for black guys." "So I was, like, "Okay..."" "Now look..." "Hey!" "That is doctor's orders." "That is doctor's orders, everybody!" "I'm just trying to be healthy." "Are you kidding me?" "So I'm gonna need to see a Jamal after the show or, like, a Dexter... yep, serious." "I haven't had my dose for the day, so we're gonna have to..." "I'm supposed to take it with food, so let's get pizza." "That's the message." "That's the message." "Oh, yeah, you're drunk." "You're drunk." "And that's how I like it." "I'm not gonna lie to you." "I'm swearing' to God." "I swear to God." "Just enough so they can't get away, do you know what I mean?" "Just enough is what I'm saying." "God bless." "God bless." "I will tell you this." "It's very hard, it's really hard to shop, you know what I mean?" "Like, this is one of the problems about being my size." "It's hard to shop, you know what I mean?" "I'm looking around." "You're a good-looking crowd." "Don't know if you know this, but all clothing for big women..." "I don't know if you know this... for some reason is decorated with balloons and puppies." "Do you see what I'm saying?" "That's your punishment for eating ice cream, do you see that?" "They're, like, "Yeah, have fun." "You can live in 1987 every day." "Have fun!" It's a little mean." "And there's a lot of bedazzling going on." "There's a lot of sequins in my stores." "I'm, like, "Really?" "Do you think I need sequins?" "You can't see me coming?" "Seriously?" Fuck, come on!" "Come on, everybody!" "I'm overweight, I'm not a country singer." "Calm down." "What the fuck?" "Seriously, it's creepy." "And I got to tell you, too, this is another one." "Um, the lingerie, oh, God." "And you always hear that women always want to have bigger boobs." "Okay, seriously, girls?" "Stick with the little tiny bras that you get to wear, honestly." "Right?" "It's, like, what are they made of, Kleenex?" "You wear 'em once, throw 'em away?" "Do you know what I mean?" "Honestly, I'm telling you at my size, my bras, at this point, are pretty much vests of beige metal at this point." "Do you understand?" "Serious, it's a contraption." "I'm not gonna lie to you." "It takes two people to get it on, which is awkward 'cause I live alone, so that's weird." "That's weird." "Although it's a nice way to meet the neighbors, I'll tell you that much." ""Debra from upstairs."" "I have to move." "Um, but it's upsetting." "And then you go into, and you have to have a bra fitting done, according to Oprah." "And she doesn't lie." "So I..." "Have you ever had a bra fitting?" "This is what it is if you haven't done it before, ladies." "You go into a bra shop, right?" "And there's usually a little" "European woman waiting for you." "God bless." "And she takes you behind a curtain, takes your shirt off, and then she gropes you." "And that's the whole appointment." "There it is right there." "That's it." "So now I go in every Thursday around 2:30." "Every Thursday around 2:30." "Unless I have lunch plans." "So I go in, I have this bra fitting done, right, and the women tells me that my real bra size is G42." "Is that a bra or is that fuckin' bingo?" "Which is it?" "Seriously." "What do I get for four quarters?" "It's weird, all right?" "G42..." "I'm, like, "I think I just sunk your battleship." "I'm gonna go." "I'm gonna go."" "That is strange stuff." "And I also, too, seriously, at this size, I get weird guys hitting on me." "I really do." "I get weirdos." "I think that weirdos think they have a chance with me." "And here's my message to the weirdos: you don't, okay?" "You really don't." "I might hate myself, but I fuckin' hate you more." "Yes, I do, weirdos!" "Seriously, sometimes the dudes..." "Oh, my God, I had a man come up to me after a show." "You can't even make this up, all right?" "I'm just standing around in my business, staring, you know?" "He comes up to me." "He sidled up to me." "I'm pretty sure it was a sidle." "So he comes up to me." "And I see it." "He's been working on a line." "You know, his moment that he's gonna come up?" "Leans into me and says, "So," "I don't have a problem with big women."" "That was his line of seduction." ""I don't have a problem with big women"?" "I'm, like, "Really?" "'Cause you're gonna." "Yeah, yeah." "I would run if I were you, little man!"" "Are you kidding?" "Strange stuff." "And I also, too, I get older men." "But when I say "older," like, I mean above the age of 85, you know what I mean?" "Those are my men." "Any man that's been in a world war likes me." "Do you understand?" "'Cause those are the old dudes that look at me and think, "She would survive a depression."" "You know, they come at me." "I'm good stock, I'm good stock." "I'm hardy is what I'm saying." "But I'm gonna make it through the winter, and you should see what I can do with a potato." "Uh, I don't know what that means." "I'll figure that out later." "I don't know what that means." "You made that dirtier than it needed to be." "All right!" "But I also get the" "European guys." "I get Italian men, too." "Because I'm Italian, and God bless the Italian men." "They can spot an Italian woman from a hundred paces." "Am I right?" "God bless." "And you know, sometimes I'm just walking down the street minding my business, and a little" "Italian man will come out of his house, you know, just wearing an undershirt and pants pulled up to here." "Back off, ladies, he's mine." "Jealous?" "But this is my favorite thing about the old Italian dudes is they have the most original way of trying to get a woman's attention." "You're just walking down the street, and they give you one of these... (kissing sound)" "Excuse me?" ""I'm trying to call you over."" "I'm, like, "What?"" "The problem is I always go 'cause I think they have treats." "Damn it!" "Every time they get me!" "Oh!" "I'm telling you." "But there's also another group of women, excuse me, another group of gentlemen that like big women, right?" "It's like a fetish." "Have you ever heard of this?" "It's called "chubby chasers."" "Have you ever heard about that?" "Chubby chasers, seriously?" "That is totally wrong." "Please, are you kidding?" "'Cause I mean, please, we don't run." "Anyway, we don't run." "Serious." "You bend your knees, I'm yours!" "That's it." "That's how that works right there." "I also get the weird ones, too, that want to take you home and make you wear a little tiny cowboy hat and ride a trike." "Do you know what I mean?" "I've seen the Web sites, weirdos." "That's your..." "Don't look it up." "You'll never sleep again." "Uh, but, I do, I get the weirdos." "It's not just me, I think." "This is, like, the exact opposite of what I like is what likes me, you know?" "That's the world, right?" "That's just the way it goes." "Like, I have this thing for thin men." "Oh, my God, thin dudes?" "I think there's something about a guy that looks like he needs a good meal." "Oh, whoo-hoo-hoo!" "Send him over." "I accept the challenge!" "Yah!" "I love it." "I love it." "And my friends are always, like," ""What is it with you and thin guys?"" "I realized it." "I figured it out." "A thin man, let's be honest, they are so easy to overcome." "Are you kidding me?" ""Kiss me!" "Ooh!"" "They only struggle for a couple seconds." "Are you kidding me?" "And it's cardio if you get your knees up." "Remember that." "It's very nice." "But basically, so I told you I like guys that look like Jesus and I like thin guys." "So, basically, a little scruffy, a little thin." "I'm attracted to homeless men." "I really am." "I am." "It's a problem, I'm not gonna lie to you." "There's always that moment where" "I'm, like, "Who is that?" "(chuckles) Oh, shit, no shoes." "Keep moving!" (screams)" "Although I do love a project, though." "Are you kidding me?" "I love a fixer-upper." "Super fun." "Just take him home, brush his hair." "Ooh! "Later, we're gonna have a bath!" (squeals)" "A hose in the backyard." "A hose in the backyard." "It's fun." "Do you see?" "And now, I mean, I don't really need to tell you this:" "I'm single." "Really?" "I'm covered with cat hair." "You do the math." "Really?" "Single?" "But..." "It doesn't bother me that" "I'm single." "I'm very busy." "I have a very full life." "Am I crying?" "Okay, I'm not." "Anyway, no, I'm good." "But it doesn't bother me." "I'm good." "The only thing that bothers is my mom, do you know what I mean?" "My mom, my old aunts." "'Cause they just want you to be safe." "They want you to be happy, you know?" "So I feel like at my age, you just have to have an answer, right?" "Your stock answer that you give people." "So you go home, you see your family." "My aunts are, "Debra, don't you want to meet somebody?"" "So I just look them in the face and I say, "Hey, have you tried Nutella?" "Have you tried Nutella?" "That chocolate hazelnut spread?"" "Are you kidding me?" "Who needs a boyfriend when there's Nutella?" "Are you joking?" "Oh, my God!" "A jar of Nutella, a loaf of white bread, box of wine?" "Fuck, that's a weekend." "Are you kidding me?" "That's a good time." "And I don't want to get you crazy, but if you put the" "Nutella into the microwave and heat it up, you can drink it with a straw." "With a straw!" "No dishes!" "That's a, that's a good idea." "You can write that down." "I'm serious." "That's nice." "It's nice." "But it's weird, too, because you know, I used to be a lot of fun." "As I get older, I've changed quite a bit, you know?" "Like, I'm telling you, I was wild when I was young." "Like, I had a threesome when I was in high school." "Okay, actually, it was a couple making out, and I was guarding the door." ""Keep going!"" "It looked like fun." "It looked like fun." "But the thing is things really change, you know?" "And now I've gotten to the point now where every one of my family is, everyone is hooked up, everyone's married." "My little brother just got married." "He's the second-last person in our entire family." "I'll give you a moment to think who the last person is." "But anyway, but my brother," "I love my brother." "I love his wife." "She's awesome." "He married an Asian girl." "And the reason I'm telling you that is because my mother and family are small-town people, okay?" "They are not racist... they are small-town people." "Big difference, all right?" "Big diff..." "My mother..." "I don't think she's ever seen as Asian person up close, do you understand?" "So she panicked a little bit." "She didn't know what to do." "She finds out, she's like," ""She's Asian." "What do we do?"" "I'm like, "What do you mean," "Mom?"" "She's like, "Do I have to bow?"" "I'm like, "No, calm down, Mom." "You're fine, do you know what I mean?"" "She's like, "Should I learn how to do that or-i-gami?"" "I'm like, "Again, a nice idea." "Not necessary," you know." "She's like, "Okay, one more question." "If they have a baby and it's a girl, do we have to kill it?"" "I'm like, "No." "I don't know," "Mom, I don't know."" "Look, that's not me." "Call Korea." "I didn't make that up, everyone." "I just pass on the information." "God bless." "But now, I bought it because a lot of my friends are hooked up." "They come to me a lot of the times for, you know, like, advice on the relationship." "And it's very strange, 'cause, you know, I've been a while, you know, single." "So, I'm like, all right, you ask me, I'm gonna tell you, that's how that works." "So one of my pals, God bless, she comes to me and she's in a relationship that is clearly over, but she's hanging on, you know what I mean?" "Did you ever have one of those friends?" "It's like, it's been three months." "It's just over, but she won't let it go, okay?" "So she's trying to do all these things to keep it, you know, exciting." "She's just hanging on." "So she's telling me, she's like," ""I'm thinking that I'm going to do, like, a sexy striptease."" "I'm like, "Okay, yeah."" "Okay, if you're already doing a striptease at three months, seriously, that's pretty much the please-don't-dump-me dance, isn't it?" "Have you done that, ladies?" "You're like... (sobbing)" "(laughter)" "(cheering and applause)" "Right?" "I don't want to be alone." "I'm serious, the things we do to keep a man." "Oh, my therapist says one day" "I'll be ready to talk about it." "This is something about me that" "I realized as you get older, there's, you know, things that you know." "I'm not..." "I'm not a great girlfriend." "I'm an even worse ex-girlfriend." "You know, I am one of those girls, seriously, there are men in the town that I'm from, when they see me, they're like, "Oh, fuck, there she is."" "And they run, they run." "But that's the way I like it, I gotta tell you." "So if you don't want to be my boyfriend anymore, you can, uh, die now, I guess." "Thank you." "We don't need you." "Good-bye." "Right?" "And this is another thing, too, that I know." "I hate to be hung up on." "Do not hang up the phone on me." "Oh, my God." "You hang up the phone, I'm coming to your house." "That's what happens right there." "You hang up the phone, and now" "I'm at your house." "Yeah, with a knife in the middle of the night, do you understand what I'm saying?" ""I had some things to say." "Do you understand?"" "It's not good." "Another thing..." "I realized this." "This is another one." "This is a note for the men... you should take this down." "If you want to make a woman angry, here's something to do." "Tell her to relax." "(laughter)" "Are you kidding me?" "You tell a woman to take it easy... holy fuck, are you joking?" "I'm gonna flip a fucking table." "I'm going to lose... (yelling)" "I go crazy, right?" "Worst thing in the world to say." "I'd say... you realize this... and I find this, too... another thing that I hate... oh!" "I hate people that don't hate people." "Don't you...?" "(laughter)" "Don't you hate those people?" "They're like, "I love everyone."" "What's wrong?" "You slow?" "What's wrong with you?" "Seriously?" "Grow up and hate somebody." "Grow up and hate somebody," "Gandhi." "Anyway, seriously?" "Another thing... this is a helpful hint." "Do you hate somebody at the office?" "You have to go to work tomorrow." "Do you hate someone at the office?" "(audience cheering)" "Right?" "Girls always do." "Girls always do." "If you don't have someone, find someone to hate at the office." "I'm serious." "It passes time like nothing else." "Are you kidding me?" "You're sitting there at your desk scratching your back with a pen." "I don't know what you do." "You're very busy." "But she... that one girl walks by and you're like, "Look at that stupid bitch." "Fuck, is it 4:00?" "Is it 4:00?" "!" "Oh, my God!"" "The day is done, do you see what" "I'm saying?" "Another cup of coffee, photocopy your ass, you're done." "That's it, everyone." "These are good tips." "These are good tips from me to you." "Another thing... 'cause I don't have a day job... you know, comedy... it's mostly at night." "You know, I'm at home all day long." "And you always think to yourself, you know, without a day job, you're like, I'm going to get so much done." "I'm going to read the newspaper," "I'm going to keep my house clean." "But all you really do is get high and watch television." "That..." "It's not a rule, but it is a strongly enforced guideline." "All right, everybody?" "All right?" "Who am I to argue." "But I do, I watch TV." "Although I do find that I watch weird stuff now." "Like, I watch a lot of shows about crime." "Anybody else watch a lot of...?" "(cheering)" "There's a lot of shows about murder, right?" "It's like there's a lot of shows about, you know, people killing each other and doing terrible stuff." "And then I watch this." "Like, I'll do one of those marathons of just crime shows." "And then I'm scared to death in my little apartment by myself, you know what I mean?" "The other day I watched, like, ten of these episodes." "And then I was so scared, that I had to sleep with a knife under my bed, okay?" "Actually, it was a fork and knife..." "I forgot to put it away." "But the thing is... (laughter) ...I'm ready, I'm ready if something happens, you know what" "I mean?" "I'm ready to go." "I also, too..." "I love... sometimes I like commercials." "There's some commercials that are pretty good." "Do you know that Axe Cologne?" "Do you know that one?" "Has anyone smelled that cologne before?" "I assume it's made of, like, chloroform and Rohypnol." "I'm assuming." "I don't know." "Some of the ads are pretty good, you know." "There's a new one, a new cologne brand, all right?" "And apparently while you're wearing it, it changes its scent... whatever." "And the commercial for this is, a boy and a girl are on a date, and the guy during the date, changes his outfit three times, okay?" "And the copy for the commercial is this:" ""Axe Cologne changes scent because women bore easily."" "That..." "Does that enrage anybody else?" "Are you kidding me?" "Women bore easily?" "What the..." "That makes me so angr..." "Oh, who cares." "(laughter)" "I just got bored, you see...?" "They're scientists at Axe." "They know me better than I know myself, do you know what I mean?" "I also watch game shows quite a bit." "I enjoy game shows." "I love watching people win... it makes me very excited." "But I hate it when they have to win, like when you win a ski trip." "I don't want to win a ski trip." "Are you kidding?" "That's like winning cold exercise." "What the fuck is that about?" "(laughter)" "Seriously?" "Or you can do, like, push-ups in the freezer." "What the fuck?" "!" "I don't want to win that." "No good, all right." "But I do, I also watch a lot of shows about ghosts." "Do you ever watch any of those shows?" "It's so stupid." "They don't prove anything on those shows, right?" "They're like, "Oh, there's a ghost in the house."" "But all they do is wear those night-vision goggles, right?" "So everything's green." "That's it." "And then, like, one of the guys goes, "I'm cold."" "That's the whole thing." "That's the whole thing." "That proves there's a ghost?" "I need more proof than that." "Are you kidding?" "That's like when a cop walks in and says, "I smell pot."" "Prove it in court, asshole." "Prove it in court." "You can't prove a smell." "Right?" "You can't prove a smell, right, guys?" "(laughter)" "Okay, just checking, just checking." "Whatever." "I do... sometimes I watch educational things." "Not much, but sometimes I do, all right?" "And I watch this, you know, again, one of these shows about ghosts." "And I saw this one woman was being interviewed by these ghost people, and she was saying that, she claimed, very seriously, that one night she was alone in her house, trying to go to bed," "and that a ghost came to her in her sleep, and she said that they had sexual relations." "This woman said this." "She said... yeah, she said she had sex with a ghost." "She said it wasn't upsetting." "She said it was quite nice." "And I was watching this, thinking to myself, if that is true, I'm going to go to bed earlier." "Are you kidding me?" "I am." "I'm serious." "(applause)" "I'm gonna clean it up." "I'm gonna shave my legs, take out the mouth guard, let's do this, Casper." "Time to get friendly." "Are you kidding?" "Please." "Very busy, very busy." "And then sometimes I watch this, um, I watched this public service announcement the other day, with that little Jonas" "Brother... that little Nick" "Jonas." "Oh, he's totally adorable." "And I was watching..." "He has diabetes, I don't know if you know this." "I know, he's such a survivor." "He's so strong that one." "Ah, God." "So I'm watching..." "I'm watching this little public service." "And you know, Nick Jonas is all like, "Hey, I'm totally cute." "Don't get diabetes."" "And that's the whole thing, right?" "And I was watching at home going, oh, my God, he is cute." "He was so cute that I had a moment where I was like, I wish" "I had diabetes." "And then I thought about it..." "I probably do have diabetes, are you kidding me?" "I can't feel my left foot." "I can't feel it." "That can't be right." "But anyway..." "love this." "Now this is usually at the point of the show where you all start looking at me thinking, "This woman has a cat." "This woman has a cat."" "And you'd be right, I do have a cat." "I don't want to start anything, but my cat's better than your cat." "I don't want to start a fight, I don't want to start a fight, but it's true." "And, you know, my cat... we've been together for 16 years." "Shut up." "Best relationship I've ever had." "Are you kidding?" "The romance is still very strong." "Shut up." "But here's the thing about my cat... you know, this happens every once in a while." "He loves me so much that he sometimes he stares at me with that look of love that's like almost creepy." "Do you ever...?" "Like, if he was a man, I would be terrified of him, do you know what I mean?" "Like, seriously, you know, you ever been with a guy that's like, "I love you so much."" "Have you ever been on a date with a guy and he likes you too much, so you get your phone out... you just hit 9-1... and then just leave it?" "Do you ever do that?" "(laughter)" "You got to be ready." "You got to be ready at all times, guys." "You know what I mean?" "But sometimes, oh, my God, like, if I'm not, if I don't have a show on a Saturday night, me and my cat will have our backup" "Saturday night plans, you know?" "So I'll make a meal and then" "I'll rent a movie for the two of us." "And then sometimes... sometime after dinner and the movie, he'll always like, "Mama, do you want to get high?"" "And I'm like, "Fuck yeah, let's get high, baby." "All right, whatever."" "And sometimes, you know, we'll smoke a little joint and then after that he's always like," ""Mama, do you want to have a snack?"" "I'm like, "Fuck, yeah, let's have a snack." "Why not?" "Look at us, livin' the dream."" "So here's the thing, I don't know if you know this, but cats and dogs..." "One of my best friends is a vet, and cats and dogs love peanut butter, they love peanut butter." "You give them like like a little chew toy, put some peanut butter in it, like a carrot or a celery, they go crazy." "They're happy for hours, are you kidding?" "But this is my favorite part." "Is that if you give them peanut butter, then it makes them do that licking thing that makes them look like they're talking." "Look at that." "And it's almost like I have a boyfriend." "Did you see that?" "He is a good kisser." "He is a good kisser." "No, he's not." "I can't catch him." "He is too fast, he is too fast." "I try though, I do." "For cardio." "Anyway, uh, but this is another thing." "My cat sleeps on my bed every night of my life." "I can't even stop it." "I don't even try, do you know what I mean?" "I just let him in." "But it's changed over the years." "Like at the beginning of our life together, he used to sleep at the foot of the bed." "Because, you know, we're just getting to know each other." "You know, still kind of shy, right?" "Ten years together, he moves up to, like, hip level." "'Cause now we're good, we're comfortable." "Now 16 years together, I rolled over in the middle of the night, and he was on the pillow, okay?" "But not just on the pillow." "His head was on the pillow, and his body was in the bed." "Ooh, like a man, like a man beside me, are you kidding?" "Spooning me?" "Are you joking?" "Oh-ho-ho." "Now I'm just waiting for him to give me a reach-around, do you know what I mean?" "I'm, like, "Oh, yeah." "Leg over?" "Yeah."" "So I stopped wearing pajamas." "And, uh... no..." "He's soft under his neck." "You don't know." "Um... (chuckles)" "You know, I think we all go through a phase in our life of having a roommate, right?" "I had a roommate for years and years." "But it's wonderful." "You know, it's nice to live by yourself." "Everything's yours, and privacy and stuff." "But the one thing about the roommate that I miss is when you have someone coming home, you can't go totally crazy." "Do you know what I mean?" "Someone's coming home, you gotta be normal, you know?" "You hear the keys in the door, and you're, like, "Oh, shit, she's home." "Okay, quickly, quickly be normal." "Hide the puppets!" "Oh, God!" "(Shrieks)" "Take the dress off the cat!" "Oh, God!" "You know what I mean?" "Hide the fake life-size papier-mâché boyfriend under the bed quick, quick!" "Because we were fighting and he has got to fuckin' learn." "So that's..." "It's okay." "He'll be fine." "He'll be fine." "But there's a couple things that" "I do now by myself that I do to try to keep it exciting at the house." "You gotta do that, you know, to keep it fun." "So what I do is I serve all drinks at my home, all beverages at my home out of a martini glass." "Try it." "It makes you feel like you're at a party at all times." "Are you kidding me?" "Everything is fun out of a martini glass: milk, uh, V-8, uh, Metamucil." "It doesn't matter." "Do you know what I'm saying?" "Yeah!" "You know?" "People come over to my house, and they're, like, "Are we having strawberry daiquiris?"" "I'm, like, no, it's" "Pepto-Bismol." "Let's do this!" "Yes!" "Why are you leaving?" "Anyway, but still..." "Now, my friends..." "Okay, and again, because I'm at home, I'm sitting there all day... the computer is sitting, staring at me." "And I don't know if this is just me, but I've finished the Internet." "I'm done." "I finished the Internet." "Anybody else?" "I have nothing else to look up." "I'm serious." "I am done, Internet." "Now it's just, like, cat" "Web sites, you know what I mean?" "A musical montage of, like," "Justin Bieber, you know." "And then I usually masturbate, cry, call it a day." "Are you with me?" "Good work today, Debra." "I like your style." "Punch the card." "Nice work." "But it's just computer's sitting there." "So my friends think I should date on line, right?" "And that, it's normal now." "It's not just for weirdos in the basement breathing through their mouth." "Do you know what I mean?" "It's normal people now." "Apparently, the new statistic is one of out five relationships will get together on line." "Fantastic." "So I go to a couple of those Web sites, you know what I mean?" "And you got to fill out that bio of who you are," "30 words or less." "You know what I mean?" "But it's all lies 'cause you want to sound exciting and good, right?" "So the first thing they do is they ask you to list your hobbies." "And as I mentioned, I have no hobbies." "So I lied and I said that my hobbies were running and playing squash." "It's more like running to get more squash." "What the fuck?" "Seriously?" "For carbs, I'll knock you down." "Get out of my way." "It's all lies, all right?" "And even the one question that you think you know the answer to, the sexual orientation question?" "Do you remember when it was easy?" "Do you remember when there was just two options for sexual orientation?" "Now, in the year 2011, there's like, 17 different options now." "Seriously." "There's one where you can just be gay on Tuesdays if you want..." "I'm serious." "Super fun." "Super fun." "But there's also..." "It's not so new." "The "metrosexual," have you heard of that?" "It's kind of a older term now." "But it's something they coined years ago for guys that live in the city, you know, an urban center." "So they say that men that live in a urban center, they get a little feminized by the culture and the fashion." "So they call that "metrosexual."" "I think that's cute." "I'd like to have a new topic, you know?" "Excuse me, a new category for me and all the girls above 35, still single." "So with your help, I would like to be known as a "retrosexual."" "Which basically means that I haven't had sex in 20 years and" "I like to do it to '80s music." "Huh?" "Right?" "Yes." "(applause, whooping)" "Who's hungry like the wolf?" "Me!" "Oh, fuck, seriously?" "I'll do the reflex." "Don't make me." "I'll do it." "I'll do it right now." "Love is a battlefield." "God bless." "Okay, so dating on line, here we go." "Um, okay, so a lot of these little, the little bios, you know what I mean?" "You have to fill out all this information, and one of the first things they want you to put is your age, right?" "So the first thing, you think," ""Great, I know this one."" "Age is easy." "I can answer that." "But according to my mother," "I'm too old." "She, like, "You cannot put your honest age on there." "Men don't want to date old women, all right?"" "Now this is my message for the men, okay?" "Seriously, guys, start dating older girls, okay?" "Seriously, honestly." "(scattered whooping)" "Yeah, right?" "I don't know if you know this, but once we turn around 35, what we're looking for in a man starts to relax a little bit." "Do you know that?" "Do you remember being 20?" "Do you remember being 20 and you thought you were gonna meet your soul mate?" "Do you remember?" "Oh, yeah, keep waiting." "He's coming." "Really, seriously?" "Soul mate?" "So I remember when I was 20, I used to think to myself, "When I meet my soul mate, oh, my God, and when we kiss, it is gonna be like fireworks." "We're gonna be together forever." "That was 20, do you see?" "Now at my age, I gotta tell you, romance is over at my age." "Seriously?" "At this point I just want to be pushed over and fuckin' pounded." "That is it." "I'm serious." "You don't even have to kiss me." "(audience cheering)" "You don't even have to kiss me." "You do not have to kiss me." "I'm serious." "I'm not joking." "I don't need your last name." "What am I gonna do, write you a letter?" "People, come on." "Do you understand?" "Please, I'm not looking for a pen pal, do you see what I'm saying?" "I have enough Facebook friends." "Thanks very much, everybody." "Come on." "And you know, a lot of times you have to put a picture on the" "Web site, right?" "If you don't put a picture, no one talks to you." "You have to, right?" "And then even when you put a picture, they want you to put your body type to describe your body type in words, okay?" "But you can't, like, type it in yourself." "The Web sites always give you options, okay?" "So once they start describing a woman with my proportions, the" "Web sites start to get a little stupid, do you know what I mean?" "They're trying to make it sound fun and funny." "So some of my favorites, all right, they like to call me... and I'm quoting... they like to call me "pleasantly plump."" "(chuckles) Here's something:" "Call me plump, and it will not be fucking pleasant, I'll tell you that much right now." "Another one is "husky," is another one." "Husky?" "Are you kidding?" "I'm not even totally sure what husky means, you know what I mean?" "But I am not gonna pull your sled, no, I'm not." "I'm not, all right?" "Yes, I have a harness." "I use it for cardio." "Shut up." "I do." "I attach it to the door, and then I run." "It's very nice." "Very busy." "Are you kidding?" "And then, of course, you know, I find this so interesting, too, because you know, men," "I see girls that you're going out with." "I see, you know, you're with a little tiny thin girls." "God bless." "Good for you." "But here's something." "If you were dating a thin girl right now, men, you are not allowed to complain that women don't like to give blow jobs." "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." "Seriously, this is secret information." "It's just thin girls that don't like to give blow jobs, okay?" "I'm sorry." "Come on." "Let's be honest." "Thin girls don't like to have anything in their mouth on a good day." "Do you know what I'm saying?" "They're always full, you know what I mean?" "They're saying, "I just had a handful of grapes." "I can't." "Ew!"" "So, basically, what I'm telling you... if you choose a woman like me, chances are it's snack time." "Chances are." "Do you understand what" "I'm saying?" "(applause, whooping, cheering)" "Starting to look pretty good, huh?" "Starting to look pretty good." "Hello!" "I'm on the Weight Watchers, but" "I've finished my points for the day, do you know what I mean?" "I still feel like something." "You know what I'm talkin' about?" "To be honest, I never know, I never understand the draw of a really thin woman." "Do you know what I mean?" "Like the really skinny women?" "You know what I mean?" "I don't get... how is that fun to sleep with?" "A really thin woman, all sharp and angry." "(whines) You know what I mean?" "It's like, you know, I always picture, like a really thin woman as all, like, in bed." "She's all, like, "Oh, you're on my hair, (whines) my ribcage." "I can't breathe."" "I mean is that, is that fun?" "I don't understand." "I mean, I think sleeping, I think sleeping with a really thin woman is like sleeping without any pillows, do you know what I mean?" "Do you know what I mean?" "You eventually fall asleep, but you wake up all fuckin' sore." "Do you know what I mean?" "You're, like, "My back!" "What'd I do last night?"" "A thin woman, that's what you did!" "Come on!" "Don't get me wrong." "Now, don't get me wrong." "Sleeping with me is like sleeping with too many pillows," "I'm not gonna lie to ya." "You know what I mean?" "In the middle of the night, you start get hot, throw 'em off the bed." "Ooh!" "You know?" "I just want the perfect amount of pillows." "Just the perfect amount of pillows." "That's what I'm looking for." "God bless." "Oh, here's something else." "When I was watching television, something that I saw, which I find very upsetting, in the" "Earth, I think it's kinda sad." "Um, you know, there seems to be a problem with the date rape drug Rohypnol, right?" "Roofies, you know?" "Apparently it's pretty rampant in the college scene and stuff." "And I think that's very sad." "I was doing a show at a college a couple months ago, and" "I went to the ladies' room." "I usually go to the men's to try to meet people, but tonight... boom..." "ladies' room, do you know?" "And the posters all over the wall about, you know," ""Guard your drinks."" "So I go to the girl, and she says, "It's really a problem."" "Obviously, it's disgusting." "It's immoral, it's illegal, it's disgusting." "But I think it's sad because have guys, have you just given up?" "Now you don't even try to charm women anymore?" "Do you remember in the olden days where you, like, asked a girl to dance or something?" ""Hey, you have pretty hair."" "But now it's just right to the drugs?" "Is that what it is right now?" "Right to the roofies?" "I'm gonna tell you this, guys." "I'm gonna say this." "I just think you need to lower your standards a little bit." "That's what you need." "Are you kidding?" "'Cause I'm gonna tell you this, nine out of ten times I am more fun than an unconscious woman." "I gotta tell ya." "I gotta tell ya." "Nine out of ten." "Nine out of ten." "And I know what you're thinking right now: "Debra, I don't think you're gonna be roofied."" "And let's be honest." "'Cause come on." "Who's gonna roofie me?" "'Cause I'm not gonna lie to ya." "I am not easy to drag." "I gotta tell ya." "I am not..." "I am not easy to drag." "You better have your plans set up or you're gonna have to rape me where I land." "'Cause I gotta tell ya, we're not making it to location number two." "We're really not." "We're really not, you know?" "Now I'll say this, you may not know it to look at me, but I'm gonna tell you this, I'm a wildcat in the sack." "A wildcat!" "Yeah!" "As long as the lights are off and you don't fuckin' touch me." "Um, that's it for me, everyone." "Thank you so much." "You've been a wonderful crowd." "Good work, everybody." "(applause, cheering)" "(applause, cheering continue)" "Captioning sponsored by" "LEVITY ENTERTAINMENT GROUP" "Captioned by" "Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org."