"The defeat and breakup of the Soviet empire, culminating in the crumbling of the Berlin Wall, is one of the great events of world history." "There were many heroes in this battle, but to Charlie Wilson must go this special recognition." "Just 13 years ago, the Soviet Army appeared to be invincible." "But Charlie, undeterred, engineered a lethal body blow that weakened the Communist empire." "Without Charlie, history would be hugely and sadly different." "And so, for the first time, a civilian is being given our highest recognition, that of Honored Colleague." "Ladies and gentlemen of the Clandestine Services," "Congressman Charles Wilson." "It'd be like Dallas." "That's right." "You know what I'm saying?" "Like Dallas but set in Washington." "Yeah." "And you should say it just like that." "When I pitch it." "You should say it just..." ""Oh, this is fucking great." You should say it just like that." "Dallas set in Washington D.C." "You know, with the intrigue and the power plays and the overt natural sex." "The glamour, the power." "Do you know what I'm saying?" "It's fucking Dallas." "Or, or Falcon Crest." "Yes." "That's set in Washington." "Say it to Charlie like that." "The resistance fighters disguised us as one of them." "Charlie." "It's like Dallas but in Washington." "With Crystal in the starring role." "Yeah." "You tell me when to watch." "I'll make sure I'm home." "You don't think I can make it happen?" "I don't know anything about how any of that works." "I do." "You said that you would listen to him." "That's why we're here." "Do they routinely give starring roles on network programs to people who haven't acted professionally before?" "She was just on the fucking cover of Playboy, Charlie." "Well, I guess that's just the same thing." "Would you take this seriously, please?" "I am taking it seriously, hon, but can you all tell me something?" "What is..." "What is Dan Rather wearing right now?" "What?" "Dan Rather." "What is he wearing?" "You're watching TV?" "Why hasn't he shaved?" "Well, who gives a damn?" "Excuse me!" "Hey!" "Excuse me, could you turn that up?" "Could you just turn up the volume on the TV?" "Oh, I'm completely high." "Yeah." "Okay." "Still, could you just grab the remote there and find the volume button?" "Charlie, are we gonna do business?" "Dan Rather is wearing a turban, Paul." "Don't you want to know why?" "He's doing a thing from India." "No, that's Afghanistan." "Got it." "Appreciate it." "We got it..." "We captured it from the Afghan, the Afghan army." "Thank you." "Does he have ammunition for this?" "He has three." "But does he have ammunition?" "A lot of ammunition?" "Well, he's talking about the mujahideen." "No, we don't, we didn't capture any." "Priests?" "No, mujahideen means, like, holy warriors." "Priests!" "How the hell am I supposed to know?" "Paul." "And he was..." "He is saying that, you know, America seems to be asleep." "It doesn't seem to realize that if Afghanistan goes and the Russians go over to the Gulf, that in a very short time, it's going to be the turn of the United States as well." "I'm sure he knows that in Vietnam..." "Excuse me." "We were just wondering what you do for a living." "I'm not a police officer, if that's what you're asking." "No." "We just..." "We don't meet a lot of guys here who both, you know, know about the world and like to party." "No." "I'm a member of the U.S. House of Representatives." "I'm sorry?" "I'm a Congressman." "Are you kidding?" "No." "No, I'm absolutely serious." "I'm Charlie Wilson." "I represent the Texas Second Congressional." "Texas." "And this is Crystal Lee." "This is Paul Brown." "What are your names?" "Stacey." "Stacey." "Kelly." "Kelly." "Well, it's nice to meet you both." "If you are a Congressman should you be in here with strippers and blow?" "Hey, I'm not a stripper." "I am a stripper." "I'm a stripper." "Yes, see, they were talking about themselves." "You know, you do have a point there." "I really should get going." "A little pruney." "Look, Charlie, I need $29,000 to make it happen." "And you know I can make it happen, and you know you want in on this." "Hey, who wants to take a ride with me to the airport?" "Oh, me!" "Paul?" "Okay." "A holy war against the Soviets." "A war they say that, if they get weapons, from us or anyone else in the free world, they will win." "Yeah, I'm with Congressman Charles Wilson and Crystal Lee." "I wish he wouldn't do that." "From Texas." "Has there ever been a show about Washington?" "I don't think there has." "Me, neither." "Thank you." "We got the suite another night." "Comped." "Should I go back?" "No." "You can't stay another night?" "No." "No." "Stay another night." "I can't." "I have a vote." "What, an important one?" "Yes." "What is it?" "Well, it's a non-binding resolution expressing the sense of the Congress that the Department of Defense should continue to exercise its authority to support the Boy Scouts of America." "Are you fucking kidding me?" "Come on, Charlie, call, raise or fold." "I want to get an answer on this thing that Crystal and I want to do." "First off, I'd appreciate it if you didn't throw my name around quite so much, 'cause, from time to time, I use it myself, and I need it in good condition." "Second, I'm from Lufkin, Texas." "I'm the son of an accountant for a timber company." "I take home about 700 bucks a week, and I pay alimony, so the idea that I got $29,000 in the bank is pretty hysterical." "That said, I love your idea." "Crys, I'll call you this week." "Okay." "All right." "Stacey, Kelly, nice to meet you both." "Are you Nevada residents?" "Yeah." "Well, don't forget to vote." "Bye." "We love you!" "We love you!" "Oh, it helps not to know me." "Oh!" "That is for you." "Thank you, sir." "Thank you." "Bye!" "Bye, Charlie." "I love Las Vegas!" "All right, what else?" "That Dairy Queen guy, Larry Liddle, is sitting in your office." "Hey." "Yeah, I told him he could come in." "He wants to talk to you about a creche." "What, a nativity scene with baby Jesus?" "Yeah, it's on public property, and the city's making him move it." "Shit." "I thought he was just coming in to get his picture took, you know?" "Congressman." "Yeah?" "You're exactly who I need to speak to." "You have a moment?" "Sure." "Tip asked me to talk to you." "Okay." "He wanted me to talk to you about John Murtha." "Go ahead." "The prosecutor's gonna go after him." "Well, they ain't gonna find anything." "John Murtha's as clean as my mother's kitchen floor." "Yeah, but Tip would like to put you on the Ethics Committee just the same." "You're kidding." "No." "Well, Jesus, Donnelly, everyone in town knows" "I'm on the other side of that issue." "Ethics?" "Yeah!" "Well, the Speaker would like to put you on the committee anyway." "Okay." "Well, if anyone asks what the hell I'm doing on the Ethics Committee, we'll just tell them I like chasing women and drinking whiskey and the Speaker felt we were underrepresented." "One man, one vote." "Exactly." "Tip's gonna want to return the favor." "Tuesday, right?" "That is Tuesday, yes." "So if anything comes up that you'd like me to speak with him about, please..." "Yes." "Yes!" "I'd like to be on the Board of Directors of the Kennedy Center." "Charlie." "I'm sorry?" "Turns out Congress appoints the Board of Directors of the Kennedy Center." "It's a great place to take a date, and I can never afford the tickets." "Consider it done." "Excellent." "Go vote." "Another few minutes." "Let's see what's on the wires." "Why can't you wait for newspapers like everybody else?" "'Cause I think it's productive to know today's news today." "And it makes me one day smarter than you, which I enjoy as well." "I know you do." "You don't think that's a little crazy?" "Pan Am and Eastern are lowering their fares." "'Cause of Braniff." "What's a little crazy?" "Joining the Board of the Kennedy Center so you can get free tickets to the Royal Ballet of..." "Hold on." "What?" "AP story out of Kabul." "Uzbekistan?" "Afghanistan." "Russia, Afghanistan, Pakistan, Iran, Iraq, Kuwait, Saudi Arabia," "Jordan, Israel, Egypt." "Jim Van Wagenen's our point man on black approps for the Defense Subcommittee?" "Yeah." "Have him come to my office as soon as possible." "How am I voting on this?" "Yes." "You sure?" "Yes." "The Boy Scouts?" "Jim Van Wagenen." "Get him and show him that wire story." "Yes, sir." "You are the man I wanted to talk to." "The Congressman will be here in a moment." "He's just coming up from a vote." "I'm sure it's an important one." "No." "Not really." "So, Marla, can you fit this into his schedule next week?" "Charlie Wilson's office." "Good morning." "The third..." "It is?" "How are you?" "Suzanne, can you help me with this?" "Okay." "I'll be right back." "I'll have him do it." "Okay, bye-bye." "Miss?" "Yes, sir?" "It seems to me, looking around, that it's almost all women working here, and that they're all very pretty." "Is that common?" "Well," "Congressman Wilson, he has an expression." "He says, "You can teach them to type, but you can't teach them to grow tits."" "Well, that's charming." "Larry!" "Congressman!" "No, no, no." "For $5,000 every two years you get to call me Charlie." "And for 10,000, you can call me Betty Sue and I'll clean out your rain gutters." "This is my daughter, Jane." "Well, now I remember Jane." "Two-L at SMU." "Charlie Wilson's office." "Good morning." "Welcome to the United States Congress." "Hey, I'm gonna talk to your daddy for a couple of seconds." "Larry, can we get you a drink?" "It's 10:00 in the morning." "Well, fair enough, I guess." "Grab a seat." "Now, this situation with the creche, I want to know all about it." "Well, sir," "Every single year since the world was young, the firehouse in the Nacogdoches Township has displayed a creche." "Now, the ACLU has filed suit against the township for displaying a religious symbol on public property." "It's Christmas time." "It's a creche." "I could understand if we were in gosh-darn Scarsdale, but this is east Texas, and I want to know who we're offending." "Except two lawyers from the ACLU." "That is a terribly interesting and complicated question." "Let me make this suggestion, though." "There's a church about a block and a half from that firehouse, First Baptist Church of Nacogdoches." "They've got a beautiful rolling lawn out there in front." "No, no." "This is a Christian country, Charlie, founded on Christian values." "Sure." "We welcome other faiths to worship as they wish, but when you can't put a nativity scene in front of a firehouse at Christmas time in Nacogdoches Township, something's gone terribly wrong." "Well, that's not really true, Larry." "You could move that creche over to that church and everything's just fine." "That's not the point!" "Okay." "Why don't we just start back at the beginning?" "What can I do for you?" "You can intervene in the case against the creche committee." "Intervene?" "How?" "You appointed the judge." "I don't appoint judges." "I just made a recommendation to the President." "Uh-huh." "I think you and I both know what that means." "I cannot just call up a judge and tell him what to do." "Why?" "Well, 'cause it's against a shitload of really good laws, Gary." "Larry." "Larry." "I got to go talk to this guy out here for a second." "Will you excuse me?" "By the way, I love Jesus Christ and his mother Mary as much as anybody." "About 38 churches you could move that creche to, everybody lives." "Give me a call." "Okay." "I love Chivas." "Jane, how are you?" "You need a cup of coffee?" "Something to drink?" "Anything like that?" "Okay." "Mmm-mmm." "Jim." "Congressman." "You see Lederer's AP story out of Kabul?" "Yeah." "We're reading this story every day now." "You see Dan Rather last night?" "Yeah." "I did." "Tell me something." "What is the Defense Subcommittee's budget for covert ops against the Communists in Afghanistan?" "All in?" "All in." "It's 5 million." "Well, they can't shoot down helicopters for $5 million, Jim." "Though they're trying to." "Which is more than I can say for us." "Get everybody together for me, would you?" "And double it." "Charlie Wilson's office." "Okay, I'm sorry, sir?" "The covert ops budget." "Double it." "Okay." "This ain't gonna be much longer, okay?" "Here's what I'm gonna do, Larry." "Charlie Wilson's office." "Maybe in about 20 minutes." "He's just going into a meeting." "Sure." "My XO wrote in a report," "I was the best officer he ever served at sea with, and the worst officer he ever served in port with." "You can look it up." "I must've graduated from Annapolis with the second most demerits of any midshipman in the history of the Naval Academy." "Well, who had the most?" "I want to sleep with him." "It's hotter here in D.C. Than in Nacogdoches, so I hope you don't mind, I took off a few of my clothes." "Well, I'm just gonna have to live with that, Jane." "Just call me angel of the morning, angel" "Just touch my cheek before you leave me" "Come on over here." "I'm gonna show you the best view in the District." "You want some of this?" "No, no, I got this." "I like both." "Well, it must be great being me." "I've heard it is." "Iwo Jima Memorial." "There's the Lincoln." "Washington." "Now follow it around to the right." "The Jefferson Memorial." "The Arlington Bridge." "And there's the Pentagon." "Oh, that's the Pentagon." "That's the Pentagon." "How about I show you the second best view in the District?" "Why, Jane, would you like..." "Well, that was predictable." "Just give me one second." "Hello?" "That was an extraordinary thing you did today." "Who is this?" "It's Joanne." "Joanne!" "Why, gosh, how nice to hear from you." "Could I call you back in a little bit?" "Is Ronald Reagan in your bedroom right now?" "No." "Then I'm considerably more important than whoever is." "Is anything wrong?" "This is gonna take just a second or two." "Okay, I'm all yours." "What did I do that was so extraordinary?" ""Double it."" "'Cause I was told you didn't have a girlfriend." "What?" "You told Jim Van Wagenen to double it." "Well, shit, Joanne, I don't know what you're talking about, and if I did, it'd be classified, and I'd wonder where you got your information on the Subcommittee." "Oh, what do you care, hon?" "It's a little matter of national security and I can't help but think..." "Excuse me, I'm sorry." "Hold on." "I am sorry, but I was told you didn't have a girlfriend." "I don't." "This isn't my girlfriend." "It's the sixth wealthiest woman in Texas." "Which is still pretty good." "Okay, so, hi." "A friend of mine has made a terrific movie about the need for American aid to Afghanistan." "He's made a movie?" "Yes." "I'm gonna run this movie Friday night at my house at a fundraiser." "You know, you've never been to my house, Charlie." "You want me to come to Houston and see a movie?" "There'll be women and wealthy donors." "See you Friday." "Yes, ma'am." "Hey." "Mmm-mmm." "Hey." "Mmm-mmm." "Thank you, Joanne." "Okay." "I know it was difficult for you to come in here, hat in hand." "That's not the kind of upbringing, I guess, is the word I'm looking for." "It's not the kind of man you are." "I understand that." "I'm not looking to humiliate you or exact a price in any way, so why don't you just apologize?" "We'll call it water under the dam, and we'll go about our business." "Excuse me, what the fuck?" "What?" "What the fuck are you talking about?" "Clair George said you were coming in here to apologize." "No, I'm supposed to come in here so you could apologize to me." "According to whom?" "Clair George." "You told me to go fuck myself." "I'm supposed to apologize to you?" "Also, water goes over a dam and under a bridge, you poncy schoolboy." "Clearly there's been a miscommunication between Clair George and somebody." "Excuse me." "Yes?" "Does this look all right?" "It's fine." "Thank you." "I can sand it down a little." "I, I don't know." "I have no fucking idea who this guy is." "He is here to fix the glass that you broke the last time you were here." "Could you just excuse us for a second there?" "Yes." "You tell me to go fuck myself and I'm supposed to apologize?" "You break my window," "I'm supposed to apologize?" "The Helsinki job was mine!" "The Helsinki job was not yours." "If it was yours, you'd be in Helsinki." "Alan Wolfe stood in this office!" "Alan Wolfe is no longer the Director." "Yeah, it was on the books!" "Alan Wolfe is no longer the Director of European Operations." "He does not make those appointments." "I do." "Promises were made." "Not by me." "I've been with the company for 24 years." "I was posted in Greece for 15." "Papandreou wins that election if I don't help the junta take him prisoner." "I've advised and armed the Hellenic army." "I've neutralized champions of Communism." "I've spent the past three years learning Finnish!" "Which should come in handy here in Virginia!" "And I'm never, ever, sick at sea." "So I want to know why I'm not gonna be your Helsinki station chief." "You're coarse." "Excuse me?" "For Helsinki, I need someone with diplomatic skills." "You don't have them." "Is that right?" "That is right." "And I don't know why the hell I didn't fire you when you broke my fucking window!" "Oh, yes, sure you do, Cravely." "Look, Gust..." "Yeah, you're fucking Roger's fiancee and you know I know." "I'm not..." "I'm not even gonna dignify that with a response." "Yeah, yeah, you're dignifying her in the ass at the Jefferson Hotel, room 1210." "But let me ask you." "The 3,000 agents Turner fired was that because they lacked diplomatic skills as well?" "You're referring to Admiral Stansfield Turner?" "Yeah, the 3,000 agents." "Each and every goddamn one of them first or second generation Americans." "Is that because they lack the proper diplomatic skills?" "Or did Turner not think it was a good idea to have spies who could speak the same language as the people they're fucking spying on?" "Well, I'm sorry, but you can hardly blame the Director for questioning the loyalty to America of people that are just barely Americans in the first place." "Yeah, well, I'd like to take a moment to review the several ways in which you're a douchebag." "Get the fuck out of my office!" "Yes, sir." "Before I end your career, asshole." "Yes, sir!" "Yeah, my friend, I'm gonna need you for a second." "God damn it!" "My loyalty?" "For 24 years, people have been trying to kill me." "People who know how." "Now, do you think that's because my dad was a Greek soda pop maker or do you think that's because I'm an American spy?" "Go fuck yourself, you fucking child." "How was I?" "Thank you." "There's a woman in Aliquippa, Pennsylvania, named Nitsa." "And she thinks she's a witch." "Yeah, she offered to put a curse on Cravely for me." "Yeah?" "And she..." "She asked me do I want a professional curse or a health curse." ""If it's a health curse, I can do it right away," ""but a professional curse takes longer."" "Well, I'm living proof she's right about that." "Did you get the brownie?" "Oh, no, sir, I didn't." "I got you." "I'm reading transcripts of phone conversations between French and German generals arguing over office space at NATO headquarters and analyzing wiretaps out of Mercury Bay, New Zealand." "You know, historically, a hotbed of anti-American activity." "Yeah, nobody will come near me." "I'm in the weeds." "You know, a typical case officer doesn't walk into his boss's office and tell him to go fuck himself." "Twice." "I just told you, I paid a witch in Pennsylvania $80 to put a curse on Henry Cravely for me." "Do I sound like a typical case officer?" "No." "Well, then, let's assume I'm not." "Listen." "If you're really not doing anything, why don't you come upstairs and work with us?" "What are you doing?" "Killing Russians." "Our next slave girl is a Texas rose named Ashley Rensler." "Ashley is prelaw at U. T., and her three sorority sisters from Delta Delta Delta will wash your car or truck in special outfits they have chosen for the occasion." "So, who wants their wheels cleaned clean as a whistle by a 19-year-old lawyer and her three friends from Tri-Delt?" "I have 10,000, who'll give me 11?" "11, 11, I got 11." "I got 15 right here." "Thank you very much." "Oh, my God, she is a Minute Woman." "No, she's a Tri-Delt." "No, she is a Minute Woman, Charlie." "Oh." "Joanne." "Yeah, she's a direct descendant of George Washington's sister." "Says she had a great uncle who was killed at the Alamo." "Former Miss Cotton Bowl." "Had her own local television talk show." "Look." "Pakistan's Honorary Consul to Houston, Texas." "How's that for a title, huh?" "This is an ultra-right wing group of anti-Communist fanatics." "They're not ultra-right wing." "What are they?" "Well, they're ultra-right wing." "What are you doing hanging around this woman?" "Did you hear me say she was a former Miss Cotton Bowl?" "You are unbelievable." "Oh, come on." "You're gonna love her." "And, you know, one of the things she's trying to do over there is liberate the women." "And what better way than through a slave girl auction?" "Charlie." "So sorry for keeping you waiting." "Oh, it's no problem, Joanne." "This is Bonnie Bach." "So nice to meet you." "It's a pleasure meeting you, Mrs. Herring." "This is a wonderful party." "Why don't you give us a few moments?" "Yes, sir." "Oh, Bobbie, if you could ask someone for a Bombay martini up, very dry?" "Oh, I'm not a slave girl, actually." "I'm the Congressman's administrative assistant." "Isn't that wonderful for you." "Yes." "Two olives, please." "Tell them it's for me, they'll know." "Certainly." "She doesn't like me." "Everybody likes you." "She's a liberal." "Well, I'm a liberal." "Not where it counts." "Have you seen the house?" "Well, I've seen the downstairs, what's upstairs?" "Fourteen bedrooms." "I should have a look." "What did you think of the movie?" "What, that thing we just saw?" "The reason for the party, yes." "Well, I'm not an expert in the field or anything, but the production quality seemed amateurish to me." "Yeah, I'm not submitting the thing for a Golden Globe nomination, Charlie." "You know what I'm talking about." "Well, as a member of the Defense Subcommittee, did you think I wasn't aware that the Soviet Union's invaded Afghanistan?" "Yes, I believe my government is aware, but I was wondering if they were thinking of doing anything about it other than boycotting the Olympics, which I think you'll agree, was a fairly impotent response to the greatest national security threat we've faced" "since the Cuban Missile Crisis." "Well, I don't think making more movies about it is gonna do the trick, if that's what you're asking." "It's not." "Exactly how much power do you have as a member of the Subcommittee?" "Which one?" "I'm on two." "Foreign Ops." "Eight members and myself hand out 11 billion in foreign assistance." "And what about the Defense Subcommittee?" "Our budget is hidden." "It is also unlimited." "Yeah." "Would you like to see my room?" "Yeah." "So, unless I'm wrong, and that would be unusual for me, you sit at the intersection of the State Department, the Pentagon and the CIA." "You meet in a soundproof room underneath the Capitol, and you preside over a secret and unlimited budget for the three agencies you would need to conduct a covert war." "Isn't that right?" "I also have seats at the Kennedy Center." "Isn't that how you were able to double the CIA budget for black approps in Afghanistan just by saying so?" "Why are you only asking me questions you already know the answers to?" "Why is Congress saying one thing and doing nothing?" "Well, tradition mostly." "Come here." "Okay." "I do not understand the energy women have after sex." "You're dancing around, you're baking a pie." "Charlie?" "Yes, ma'am?" "Why is the CIA running a fake war in Afghanistan?" "They're doing everything they can." "They're doing it badly." "The CIA is arming the mujahideen." "Where do you think they're getting their weapons?" "They're arming them with 12.7 millimeter Dishukas which would be good, except the Soviets have specifically armor-plated their Hind helicopter to resist a 12.7 millimeter shell." "We sold Pakistan F-16s, but didn't give them the look-down-shoot-down radar." "If this were a real war," "State would issue a white paper outlining the Communist threat the way they did in El Salvador." "If this were a real war, there'd be a National Bipartisan Commission on Afghanistan, headed by Henry Kissinger the way they did in Central America." "If this were a real war, Congress would authorize $24 million for covert operations the way you did in Nicaragua." "If this were a real war..." "You may be the sexiest woman ever." "I'm not kidding." "You are Helen of Troy." "Are you patronizing me?" "What do you want me to do, Joanne?" "This is what I want you to do." "I want you to save Afghanistan for the Afghans." "I want you to deliver such a crushing defeat to the Soviets that Communism crumbles, and in so doing, end the Cold War." "I'll tell you, I'd do it, too, but I got this Dairy Queen problem in Nacogdoches." "Don't underestimate me, Charlie." "Believe everything you've heard." "What exactly do you want me to do?" "Go to Pakistan and meet with Zia." "Zia?" "Mohammed Zia ul-Haq." "He's the President of Pakistan." "I've already arranged it." "You've arranged a meeting between me and the President of Pakistan?" "Yes." "You're going to Israel next week to meet with Zvi Rafiah about the Lavi jets." "I want you to tack Pakistan on the end of your trip." "And meet with the President?" "Let him convince you that it's a Christian imperative to let the Afghans rid their country of Communism." "Okay." "It's not likely the President of Pakistan is a Christian, but I'm gonna do this for you, Joanne, 'cause you saved my ass once with the pro-lifers and I owe you my seat in Congress and because you look very good naked." "But I have to tell you, I'm elected by Jews." "How many Jews do you have in your district?" "Seven." "But congressmen aren't elected by voters, they're elected by contributors, and mine are in, well, New York, Florida, Hollywood, because I'm one of Israel's guys on the Hill." "And I don't know how they're gonna feel about me taking up the cause of Muslims." "Well, that's your problem." "Yes, it is." "Go fight this war and win it, Charlie." "Everything possible is on the line, including your manhood." "Oh, I was afraid you were gonna say that." "Well, I guess it ain't gonna be twice tonight." "Well, I guess somebody can't count." "Oh, darling, I was talking about me." "Congressman Charlie Wilson." "Mr. Congressman." "Mr. President." "Yeah." "Joanne Herring speaks very highly of you." "Oh, well, thank you, sir." "Thank you." "These are two of my brightest advisors when it comes to the problem of the Soviets." "This is Brigadier Rashid." "How do you do?" "Pleased to meet you." "Colonel Mahmood." "How do you do?" "Pleased to meet you." "Please come." "Thank you." "You must be thirsty." "Can we get you a drink?" "Oh, actually I'd love a glass of ice and any kind of whiskey." "Rye, Canadian." "Uh..." "I'm sorry, Congressman, we don't have alcohol in the Presidential Residence." "Of course, you don't." "I apologize." "Fruit juice?" "Bet a lot of people make that mistake." "No." "Okay." "Brigadier?" "So you understand the situation on our border?" "Yes, sir, I think I do." "And I think it's terrible." "And I know I speak for all the people in the Texas Second Congressional District when I say our thoughts and our prayers are with you." "All the people of the Texas Second Congressional District, you say?" "Yes, indeed, sir." "Three million Afghan refugees are living like poorly treated livestock." "Another two million have fled into Iran." "And two million more angry men is just what the doctors ordered for Iran, don't you think?" "People are dying by the tens of thousands." "And the ones that aren't are crossing into Pakistan every day." "Would you like to know how many?" "One fifth of Afghanistan now lives in Pakistan's North-West Frontier Province." "So, what I have been wondering is why your State Department would send someone here who thinks he understands the problem." "'Cause I don't think the prayers of the Texas Second Congressional District are going to turn the trick." "Well, now, I wasn't sent here by the State Department, Mr. President." "I was asked to come here by our friend in Houston." "So this is a courtesy call." "I don't need courtesy." "I need airplanes, guns and money." "Well, we just doubled the CIA budget for covert ops..." "From 5 million to 10 million." "That's right." "Is that a joke?" "No." "Is that meant to be a funny joke?" "No, sir." "Congressman, what they're saying is" "$10 million from the U.S. To fight the Russian Army is such a low figure that it can be mistaken for a joke." "I caught up to the sarcasm there, sir." "Let me be clear." "The United States is eager to assist you." "No, you're not." "You're not." "Absolutely not." "I went to Oxford and I know what that word means." "The U.S. Is not eager to assist us." "Well, now it's my understanding that we offered to sell you F-16s." "You didn't want them." "Because you refused to sell us the radar." "So to hell with that." "And this is emblematic of American fence sitting when it comes to fighting the Soviets." "To hell with it!" "You sell us the planes but not the radar." "You offer Afghans rifles from the First World War while Soviet helicopters are killing everything they can find, people, animals, food supplies." "So to hell with it!" "Yeah." "You sell the Israelis the radar, so that's why he says, "To hell with it."" "Again, I understood." "Yeah." "Also, the arms and funding should flow through us." "I'm sorry?" "That's been part of the problem." "The arms and the funding should flow through us." "We have experience with warfare of this kind." "And your CIA has an unimpressive track record." "Oh." "I wouldn't say that." "They missed 130,000 Soviet soldiers walking into Afghanistan." "Okay, we blew that call." "I would say so." "Well, I don't want to use up any more of your hospitality, so I will take your message back to my committee chairman, and we will give it our fullest attention." "Let me walk you to the door." "I learned about you before you came here." "I learned that you're a man of many character flaws." "I am." "But I also learned that you never promise anything you cannot deliver." "No, I don't, Mr. President." "Then promise me this." "Go to Peshawar and see the refugee camps." "Right now." "Today." "Go to Peshawar and see with your own eyes." "I have a helicopter waiting to take you." "All right, I'll do it." "Thank you, Mr. Congressman." "Mr. President." "All right, you, come on." "How did it go?" "Well, there were three of them." "It was like getting slapped around by a Pakistani vaudeville team." "You know you've pretty much hit rock bottom when you've been told you have character flaws by a man who hanged his predecessor in a military coup." "Can we go home now?" "No." "No, we have to make one more stop." "I've seen enough." "About 350 people in three small villages at Kandahar." "But instead of doing it all at once, the Russians would make the parents watch as they slit the throats of the children." "So, the Russians gathered all the defectors and piled them like wood in the center of the village." "Then they ran over them with their tanks." "I saw something shiny on the ground." "I thought it was a toy." "When I reached down to grab it, it exploded in my hand." "I should have known." "Because last year my little brother tried to pick up a piece of candy." "It split him in half." "It takes more work to take care of a wounded child than a dead one." "So when the Russians cover fields with toy mines, adults who might help with the war effort have to take care of the children." "You can see yourself." "Like a bug." "They're beautiful." "How many children do you have?" "She had six." "So, what do you want to be when you grow up?" "Hi." "I have Congressman Wilson here to see the station chief, Harold Holt." "Down the hall." "Second door on the left." "I'll wait outside." "Look, normally, a congressional delegation, we'd give them a courtesy briefing on the situation, but as you can see, it's getting pretty late, we don't have a whole lot of time anyway, so..." "Well, make the time." "Huh?" "Fuck your time, Harold." "I'm on Defense Appropriations." "I'm catching a plane back to Washington in just a few minutes." "Now, I need a full classified briefing right now." "Hundred and twenty thousand Soviet troops in all." "Hundred and twenty thousand?" "40th Army is garrisoned in the cities and in the airports." "Your seventh and eighth infantry divisions are in Kabul." "The 18th in Mazar-e Sharif, the fourth armored..." "Anything inside?" "I'm sorry?" "They controlling anything inside?" "Soviet advisors have appropriated the Afghan intel service and the ministries." "Which ministries?" "All of them." "Anyway, the fourth armored covers Bagram Airbase." "Seventh Armored is..." "Why ain't they shooting down them helicopters?" "I'm sorry?" "The helicopters, Harold." "Why ain't we giving them something to shoot down them helicopters?" "The helicopters are a problem." "You think?" "Congressman..." "They're shooting at Soviet gunships with Enfield rifles." "That's basically what Davy Crockett used." "The Soviet Hind gunship is especially armor plated to resist bullets." "Yeah, I know, I know." "So you tell me what you need to shoot them down." "What do you mean?" "Tell me what you need." "Do you understand what I'm saying?" "You tell me what you need, and I will go about getting it for you." "Congressman, I appreciate your generosity, but a sudden influx of money and modern weaponry would draw attention." "What?" "A sudden influx of money and modern..." "Wait, it would draw attention?" "Yeah." "Why, I don't even know what that means." "This is the Cold War." "Everybody knows about it." "Should I continue with the briefing?" "Have you been to these refugee camps?" "Have you heard these stories?" "Congressman, I am required to give you a briefing." "Should I continue?" "No." "Thank you." "You know, I had a neighbor, growing up, with a name right out of Dickens." "Mr. Charles Hazard." "And Mr. Hazard didn't like the neighborhood dogs messing up his flower beds." "One day, I heard a bunch of yelling from across the street, so I ran on over to Mr. Hazard's, and there were about 15 grown-ups standing around my dog, Teddy, who was writhing on the ground in obvious agony." "Blood was pouring out of his mouth." "Mr. Hazard had ground up a glass bottle and put it in a bowl of dog food and fed it to him." "What did you do?" "Well, I got some gasoline and burned down his flower beds." "But that wasn't satisfying enough." "And then I remembered, Mr. Hazard was an elected official." "He was the head of the town council." "His reelection every two years was a foregone conclusion." "So come Election Day, I drove over to the black section of town." "Now, these people hadn't voted in any of these elections, so..." "I was only 13, but I had a farmer's license and I filled up my car with black voters and drove them to the polling place and then waited, then drove them on home." "But before they got out of the car to vote" "I said, "I don't mean to influence you, but I think you should know" ""Mr. Charles Hazard has intentionally killed my dog."" "About 400 ballots were cast in that election." "I drove 96 of them to the polls." "Hazard lost by 16 votes." "And that's the day I fell in love with America." "What time do we land?" "7:30 a.m. In D.C." "I want the CIA in my office at 10:00." "Assistant Deputy Director or higher." "Tell them that if I don't see someone at 10:00," "I'm gonna start docking their allowance at a rate of $1 million a minute." "Yes, sir." "And get me another one of them, would you?" "Yes, sir." "The AKs, RPG-7 grenade launchers and 82 millimeter mortars are coming into Pakistan by air and sea, and then trucks take them to the Afghan border." "Then we take them across on mules, which are running a little more than we thought." "The mules?" "They're 2,400 a piece, plus we got to get them checked out." "For what?" "Diseases." "Foot and mouth." "Plus they have to have their ears cleaned." "The mules are getting better health care than the Afghans." "Plus, they're gonna cost a little extra if we want them pre-trained." "To do what?" "Walk over a mountain with ammunition on their back." "Aren't they born with that instinct?" "I mean, isn't that something they want to do naturally?" "You think Afghanistan might, one day, think about building some fucking roads?" "Gust." "Yeah?" "I got something for you." "I need you to be specific..." "The whole thing has changed." "Get your diary." "I'll show you." "Okay." "No problem." "Thank you." "He should be here any moment." "Don't worry about me." "I'm fine." "Good morning." "Good morning, Congressman." "Welcome back." "Yeah." "Marla." "Welcome back." "Suzanne." "Welcome back." "Who are you?" "This is Gust Avrakotos." "He's come up from Langley to bring you the information that you wanted." "Bonnie!" "Yes, sir?" "I said Assistant Deputy Director or higher." "I know, sir." "I called..." "No, Assistant Deputies don't come to the Hill without a subpoena." "I'm the guy you want to talk to, Congressman." "I'm on the Afghan desk." "You're on the Afghan desk?" "Yeah." "Well, I wouldn't be too proud of that." "I just got back from there." "Oh, I know." "And that's a hell of a flight, too." "That nine hours flying time against the jet stream." "Probably had to stop in Brussels, plus the time difference." "I'd be a little grumpy myself." "I ain't grumpy because of the plane." "We want to give you this 'cause we know you like single malt." "It's called Talisker, and it's mentioned in a Robert Louis Stevenson poem," "The Scotsman's Return from Abroad." ""The king o' drinks, as I conceive it," ""Talisker, Isla or Glenlivet!"" "Who are you again?" "Gust Avrakotos." "Have Bonnie come into this meeting." "Yes, sir." "What's the gift for?" "It's from the Afghan desk for doubling the budget for the mujahideen." "Oh." "Well, thank you." "It was nothing." "Well, it's a nice bottle of Scotch." "Must've been hard to get." "No, doubling the budget was nothing." "I mean, $10 million for covert ops against the Russian Army is meaningless." "What are you, an infant?" "Now, you hang on just one second." "I don't remember your name." "Gust Avrakotos." "Gust Avrakotos." "Yeah." "Okay, you mind if I call you Gus?" "Yeah, well, my name's Gust with a "t," but I don't care." "Fifteen hours ago, I offered Harold Holt the keys to the safe, okay?" "I stood there in the office in Islamabad, and I said, "How much do you need?"" "And I was apparently annoying him." "Well, Harold Holt's a massive tool, Congressman." "He's a cake-eater." "He's a clown." "He's a bad station chief." "And I don't mean to cast aspersions on a guy, but he's gonna get us all killed." "Really?" "Yeah." "Well, how does he expect to defeat the Soviets in Afghanistan without..." "He said, "A sudden influx of money..." Yeah, an influx of money and new weaponry would draw attention." "He's not trying to defeat the Soviets, Congressman." "What the hell are you talking about?" "Excuse me." "I'm the Congressman's aide, Bonnie Bach." "Gust Avrakotos." "Gus, I need the room for a second." "Sure." "Jailbait!" "Whoa, whoa." "Hey, hey." "Whoa, all right." "Just tell me what's happening." "A Justice Department task force that was formed last year to investigate reports of sex between members of the House and their male interns has recently widened to include the use of recreational drugs by senators and congressmen." "Do you know a man named Paul Brown?" "He doesn't have to answer that." "Keep going." "Oh, shit." "Paul Brown, under investigation by federal prosecutors for fraud." "He wanted me to invest in some TV show for Crystal." "Well, he's saying he witnessed you doing cocaine nine times in a fantasy suite in Las Vegas." "Brian Ross at NBC is breaking the story." "All right, guys." "I was in Las Vegas with Crystal and Paul Brown, because she wanted me to talk to him about this thing." "There was cocaine?" "I want you to go in the other room and start on a statement." "Let's get Stu on the phone." "Okay, I'll call him." "Okay, Bait, you just need to start..." "It's all right, everybody." "It's gonna be all right." "I want to get back to..." "Gus!" "You having problems?" "No." "What do you mean, he's not trying to defeat the Soviets?" "Well, he wants to bleed them." "Payback for Vietnam." "Make it so they just have to keep sending troops in, keep sending money, and troops, and money until they just go out of their fucking minds the way we did." "You mean to tell me that the U.S. Strategy in Afghanistan is to have the Afghans keep walking into machine gun fire till the Russians run out of bullets?" "That's Harold Holt's strategy." "It's not U.S. Strategy." "What is U.S. Strategy?" "Well, strictly speaking, we don't have one." "But we're working hard on that." "Who's we?" "Me and three other guys." "Would you excuse me?" "All right, what do you have?" ""Representative Charles Wilson has learned he is joining several members of Congress" ""who are under investigation by a Justice Department task force that is..."" "Don't say task force." "It makes it sound like Eliot Ness is running the thing." "Okay." "Who is running the thing?" "Who's the prosecutor?" "Rudolph Giuliani, New York, Southern District." "You know him?" "No." "Well, it's been going on forever." "We should say that, too." ""Representative Charles Wilson has learned he is joining several members of Congress" ""who are under investigation by the Justice Department" ""in what is now an 18-month long, wide-ranging examination" ""that has resulted in no convictions."" ""Congressman Wilson has not been charged with any crime," ""nor has he been questioned by the authorities." ""He denies any allegation of illegal or improper behavior" ""and will fully cooperate with the ongoing investigation."" "Okay." "Run it by Stu." "Yes, sir." "Gus!" "You and three other guys?" "Yeah." "Well, I'll tell you what I told Harold Holt." "I can get the money." "Now, the 10 million is a joke?" "Fine." "What do you need?" "To do what?" "To shoot down the helicopters." "To shoot down the helicopters." "If we can help them shoot down the goddamn helicopters, everything's gonna start going our way." "You know, there's a story about a Zen master and a little boy." "All right, and..." "Yeah." "It's Stu." "You should be on this." "Stu?" "No." "No, it's gonna be fine." "It was a party in Vegas." "Lot of drugs, lot of people I don't know." "I was there with Crystal Lee and this guy Paul Brown who wanted me to invest in a TV show for Crystal." "I don't know." "I don't know, it's gonna be like a Dallas set in Washington." "What..." "Stu, what does it matter?" "Okay." "Okay." "Will Crystal back up your story that you weren't using?" "Just go put out the statement." "You know what?" "You never should have been in the same room, Congressman." "Gus!" "Yeah." "The Swiss make an antiaircraft gun called the Oerlikon." "Listen, Charlie." "Twenty-millimeter cannon, high rate of fire." "I know the Oerlikon." "Don't forget the limo driver." "What do you mean?" "Well, you took a limo from the casino to the airport." "Maybe it's easy enough to track down a limo driver, hand him a subpoena, ask him if anything was going on in the back seat, so, you know, in terms of cleaning up this..." "Were you listening at the door?" "I wasn't listening at the door." "Were you standing at the goddamn door listening to me?" "No." "How could you even..." "That's a thick door!" "You stood there and you listened to me?" "I wasn't standing at the door." "Don't be an idiot." "I bugged the Scotch bottle." "What?" "Yeah, it's got a little transmitter on it." "I got a little thing in my ear." "Get past it." "I don't believe this." "Who the fuck..." "Who the fuck are you?" "It's not in my ear right now." "Take it easy." "I was gonna tell you about it, but I had to leave the room for a second 'cause you were getting indicted." "I ain't getting indicted." "Is there a camera in here?" "No, that's a little paranoid." "That's right." "Will you take the bug off my Scotch bottle now?" "Sure." "I saw two kids, had their hands blown off when they tried to pick up something shiny." "Sometimes the kids think those bombs are toys." "For children to pick up." "Yeah." "They're raping the women and..." "Yeah." "...bayoneting the pregnant ones." "It's as bad as it can be." "But they still want to go out and fight the Red Army." "Each and every one of them." "I've never seen anything like that." "No, me, neither." "Let's be clear." "I want to kill Russians as much as you do." "Is the Oerlikon the right gun?" "Is that what they should have?" "Now, you know what?" "You've had a long flight." "You're under a lot of stress." "You're under arrest." "I ain't under arrest." "Do you drink?" "Oh, God, yeah." "Well, should we try this Scotch, or is it gonna release sarin gas when I open it?" "Oh, I don't think so, but open it over there." "How'd a guy like you get into the Agency?" "What, you mean a street guy?" "You ain't James Bond." "And you ain't Thomas Jefferson, so let's call it even." "Deal." "Since there's no other reason I should be here, let's assume it's 'cause I'm very good at this." "They need to shoot down the helicopters, Gus." "They need at least, what, 50 Oerlikons." "Yeah, it's gonna cost a lot more than $10 million." "And I say for the fourth time, I can raise the money." "Yeah, how?" "Is the Oerlikon the gun I should be recommending?" "I'm not sure." "Who is sure?" "A weapons guy named Mike Vickers." "I'll call him." "Yeah." "Let's call him right now." "All right, here's a test." "You see the nerdy-looking kid in the white shirt playing against the four guys at once?" "Yeah." "Which one of the guys do you think is a strategic weapons expert with the CIA?" "That was a trick question, Charlie." "It's the nerdy-looking kid in the white shirt." "All right, no reason this can't be fun, you know." "Mike!" "Yeah, just a second." "Need you now, Mike." "Keep playing." "Mike Vickers, this is Congressman Charles Wilson of the Defense Appropriations Subcommittee." "How are you, sir?" "Fine, thank you." "How old are you?" "I'll be 30 next week." "This is the CIA's weapons expert?" "One of them." "But he's the most senior." "Look..." "Mike!" "Yeah, bishop to queen's knight 7." "See?" "He's playing without even looking at the board." "That's a useful skill if Afghanistan's ever invaded by Boris Spassky." "Did my office not make it clear to Langley that I'm in no mood to be fucked around with?" "Charlie..." "You answer to me or you answer to Jim Baker." "Which do you want?" "All right, the guy's a fucking Green Beret, Charlie." "He trained with the SEALs." "No one's trying to fuck with you!" "Mike?" "Yeah, what was your move?" "Knight to queen's bishop 5." "All right, queen to king's rook 3." "Guy on the right, you don't want to trade queens with me." "Shit." "All right, I apologize." "Okay." "Everybody friends?" "As a former naval officer myself, Mike, I should've known better." "As a former naval officer, I'd have been surprised if you had." "Now, what the fuck?" "Hey." "He said he was sorry." "Hey." "What can I do for you, sir?" "All right, he wants to make a recommendation to his Subcommittee." "Now, the Swiss made Oerlikon S.T.A. Antiaircraft cannon, that's what you'd use to shoot down the Ml-24 Hind gunship in the mountains, right?" "Well, the Oerlikon's a good start, but the Russians will just start flying higher altitude missions." "So what else do they need?" "Same thing you give us." "AK-47 s, AK-74s, AKMS." "The Soviets didn't come into Afghanistan on a Eurail Pass." "They came in T-55 tanks." "The fighters need RPG-7 anti-tank grenade launchers," "Katyusha 107 mm rockets, wire mines, plastic mines, bicycle bombs, sniper rifles, ammunition for all the above and frequency-hopping radios and burst transmitters so these guys aren't so fucking easy to find." "Well, I've written it all in a report you can read." "You'd be the first one who did." "Send a copy of it to me by secure courier right away." "I will." "All right." "All right." "There was a report?" "It's not that simple." "Why not?" "Well, for one thing it's covert." "When an Afghan freedom fighter gets captured, it can't be with an American-made weapon on him." "That's how a cold war turns into an actual war, and that's something you want to keep a good eye on." "So anything we give them has to look like it could have plausibly been captured from the Soviets." "Yeah, that's right." "You know who's good at that?" "Israel and Egypt." "That's right." "You know what Vickers just described back there could cost as much as $40 million." "I can get the appropriation." "But how?" "I want to know how are you gonna get the approval of Congress when they're saying no to the Contras for nothing, for $5 million, a request made by the President?" "When a black approp makes it through this Subcommittee, the full body has to vote on it blind." "They know the dollar amount, but they don't know what it's for." "So, theoretically, your $10 million can become 40 million without anyone ever noticing but the Russian Army." "Because Congress wouldn't know what it was voting on." "That's the beauty of it!" "All you need are the nine other Subcommittee members." "All I really need is the Committee Chairman." "Doc Long." "Doc Long." "And with Doc's backing, you'll get the votes of the other Committee members." "Yep." "I don't believe you." "I don't care." "And until the phone rang this morning, Charlie," "I didn't know I'd never heard of you." "Well, ask around." "I did." "And what'd you find out?" "That your greatest legislative achievement in six terms was getting reelected five times." "Anything else?" "That you hold more IOUs than any member of the House." "How about that?" "I represent the only district in America that doesn't want anything." "They want their guns, they want low taxes, that's it." "I can do favors." "I get to vote yes a lot." "Now, me and three other guys are killing Russians." "I mean, is it possible that I've met the only elected official in town who can help?" "Give me a week to set things up." "Go pack a bag." "I have a friend, an arms dealer in Israel." "He's who we need for this, God help us." "Should be interesting." "Yeah." "All right." "We need you, Zvi." "You're gonna be our man inside the Israeli Parliament." "I'm not in the Israeli Parliament." "That's what's gonna make you so effective." "No one has your pull with the 10th Knesset." "No one has your relationship with the Speaker." "And we are gonna..." "We're gonna need your arm around Menachem, when he finds out that we're working with Egypt and the Saudis." "Tell him." "Tell him why we need him." "I'm not saying anything." "Why not?" "I don't know who the fuck these two other guys are." "Well, ain't they bodyguards?" "Not ours." "Zvi?" "Now, just to sum this up in a nutshell." "You want me to move Israel toward a partnership with Egypt, Pakistan and Afghanistan." "And Saudi Arabia." "Well, just a couple of problems I can foresee off the top of my head." "Look." "Charlie..." "I know." "...Pakistan and Afghanistan don't recognize our right to exist." "Calm down." "We just got done fighting a war with Egypt and every person who has ever tried to kill me and my family, has been trained in Saudi Arabia." "That's not entirely true, Zvi." "I mean, some of them were trained by us." "Gus, come on." "It's his sense of humor." "It's a bit of an acquired taste." "Now, Zvi, look at me." "This is the front of the Cold War." "It's not in Berlin, it's not in Cuba, it's not in Czechoslovakia." "It's in a pile of rocks called Afghanistan." "These are the only people who are actually shooting at the Russians." "Now, you and I know we have to get Soviet-made weapons into the hands of the mujahideen." "And you and I know where the largest stockpile of Soviet weapons outside the Soviet Union is." "I can't tell you offhand how many and what kind of weapons we've confiscated." "I can." "These are Keyhole-11 satellite photos." "They've been degraded so I can show them to you." "All right, that's a five-wheeled chassis tank." "That's not the Mk.1, that's the T-55." "And it and four others are about 12 miles from here." "What do you want tanks in mountains for?" "Oh, we don't." "I just wanted you to know I know you got them." "$35.5 million." "Which you'll be able to appropriate." "Yeah." "Without the press asking questions about it." "You know, there's good news there, because the press is going to be busy asking about a weekend in Vegas and his pending arrest on charges of narcotics possession." "Oh, Gus." "Shit, Charlie." "It's nothing." "Is this true?" "No, for our purposes, it doesn't really matter." "Thank you." "I was just explaining to him that as long as the press sees sex and drugs behind the left hand, you can park a battle carrier behind the right hand and no one's gonna fucking notice." "What the hell happened?" "It's not germane." "It's not germane to these people who are fighting and dying, and being massacred in their homes." "Now, for the love of Christ, will you help us help them shoot down these fucking helicopters?" "I love you, Charlie, but you are a grown man who still hasn't learned to look both ways before he crosses the fucking street!" "Yes, I'm in." "But I don't like this guy." "I know how you feel." "What happens now?" "You come with us to Cairo." "This meeting's gonna be run professional?" "Oh, absolutely." "We'll be talking to the Deputy Defense Minister while his boss gets a belly dance from a friend of Charlie's." "What?" "A good friend of mine back in Texas is a well-known belly dancer." "It's always been her dream to perform in Egypt, so she's our way in." "While she's dancing for the Defense Minster, we'll be talking to the Deputy." "Oh, my God." "No, she's supposed to be good." "That's an extraordinary woman." "Oh, yeah." "That's not any belly dance I'm familiar with." "That's why I wanted the Defense Minister to see her." "This is your girlfriend?" "Carol's a friend." "She's an old friend." "I understand her father didn't allow dancing because of the religion?" "Yeah, that's correct." "And what religion is that?" "You know, she's a Baptist." "As I was saying, the Russians will learn, I'm quite afraid the hard way, to fear God's vengeance upon those who oppress his humble servants who submit to him in Islam." "Their skulls will hang from the treetops." "You can do whatever you like with their skulls, I suppose." "What has Gus here concerned is a SA surface-to-air missiles you all have." "For some reason, he thinks they were stored poorly." "No, no, no, the SA-7 s were stored properly." "Excuse me." "What about the oppression of my people?" "Oh, Zvi." "I beg your pardon?" "Fellows, we have to do this now." "I am about to arrange for $35 million worth of guns to be put into the hands of Muslims!" "I meant no disrespect." "Oh, really?" "Well, anyway, that..." "None of this is important." "You have Soviet-licensed factories that can put out Kalashnikovs at a rate of 25,000 a week?" "That's correct." "What about city warfare devices?" "What kind?" "Bicycle bombs, limpet mines, plastic, tripwire mines?" "Yes, yes." "Whatever you need." "We can't improve the price now, but when we come back for more, we'll make it up to you." "I agree." "All right." "Hey, you did good back there ignoring the religious shit." "'Cause these people are totally fucking unspooled, and I'm not just talking about the Muslims." "Zvi's all right." "Oh, I know he is." "He is Mossad, by the way." "What I'm talking about is your friend in Houston." "Now, she's got to stop throwing fundraisers and she's got to stop doing press." "Joanne is raising awareness." "She's using a non-secular vocabulary and framing this as a religious war." "And America doesn't fight religious wars." "Is that right?" "Yeah, that's why I like living there." "Good morning, ladies and gentlemen." "This is your captain." "We will begin our initial descent into Washington Dulles Airport." "I got to go down to Houston, so  I would like to thank you and hope..." "Well, talk to her." "Yeah, I'll talk to her." "You want me to go into business with the Israelis?" "Just for this one purpose, yes, Mr. President." "The Israelis have the largest stockpile of Soviet-made weapons in friendly hands." "I know that." "I need to trust that this arrangement will remain secret." "Pakistan and Israel would have to appear to be enemies in the public eye." "Yeah, I don't think that's a tough sell." "You have authority to do this?" "None whatsoever." "In fact, I'm pretty close to violating the Logan Act." "Well, I don't know what that is." "But, Charlie." "Yes, sir." "If I see one fucking Star of David on a crate..." "You won't." "I promise." "Hey." "Excuse me." "You want me to take a look at those remarks?" "Why?" "Just..." "Well, your introduction, want me to look it over?" "It's an introduction, Charlie." "I'll be fine." "Today we honor President Zia ul-Haq of Pakistan." "Before we go any further, I would like you all to know this," "President Zia did not kill Bhutto." "In the time that he's been President, the fortunes of Pakistan have changed radically." "I've asked you all here today..." "You disappeared." "Well, they weren't selling alcohol in there." "It's a traditional Pakistani gathering." "You think they might be a lot happier over there if they could just get women and booze in the same room at the same time?" "I think they'd be a whole lot happier over there if the Communists got out." ""Zia did not kill Bhutto."" "That's not something you usually hear in introductory remarks." "He didn't, Charlie." "Bhutto had a trial and was found guilty." "Shocking verdict." "What did you need to talk to me about?" "Joanne, darling, dial down the religion." "What?" "It could alienate people whose support we need." "It's luncheons like this that are raising the money we need." "This thing is not gonna get done by ballrooms full of people in the Houstonian Hotel." "It's gonna get done by the CIA, Israel, Egypt and Pakistan, and it's gonna get done quietly." "Now, you start making people think we're trying to convert everybody to Christianity." "I was saved by Jesus Christ, Charlie, and I am not ashamed of it." "My fervor is not about religion, it's about freedom of religion, which we have, they want, and the Communists are slaughtering them for." "And I get it." "Just tamp down the fervor." "Well, I can't modulate God's will, sweetie." "You can try." "Now, I got to get back to D.C. They've set up a briefing for me at Langley." "On what?" "On getting the guns." "Afghanistan's barely a country." "There's no phones or roads outside the cities." "It's likely that a villager would live his life without having contact with another village just three miles down the road unless he was going to war against them." "Now, my thinking is instead of 400,000 sloppy guys, we concentrate on several elite forces totaling about 150,000." "Give these guys real training, 20 different courses covering irregular warfare disciplines." "And do you have anybody in mind?" "The most successful rebels today are in the Panjshir Valley." "They're called the United Front of the Council of the North." "We've earmarked them for 10 million in weapons and 10 to 15 agency advisors for training." "Who's their leader?" "Ahmed Shah Massoud." "He's Tajik, so he's not well liked by the Pashtun." "So the..." "What, the Tajiks have a problem with the Pashtuns?" "Well, they say when a Tajik wants to make love to a woman, his first choice is always a Pashtun man." "It's funnier in the original Pashto." "All right, I've heard enough." "I'm going to go get our money." "All right, don't fuck us up now." "Awesome pep talk." "Afghanistan, Egypt, Pakistan and Saudi Arabia, these are all totalitarian dictatorships." "And they'd like to blow the only democracy in the region right into the Mediterranean." "Now, you heard me say that Israel's gonna be on board." "Oh, well, Zvi Rafiah's out of his mind." "These people are draconian thugs, and in an evil and twisted derby between the Communists and the Fundamentalists, it's 6-to-5 and pick them, as far as I'm concerned." "No, you're wrong about that, Doc, and you know you don't mean it." "In Pakistan, a blind girl gets raped, but there's a witness." "Now, in Pakistan it takes four witnesses." "So the rapist walks away and the girl is in prison." "Can you tell me why?" "Well, fornication." "That's right." "Mr. Chairman, President Zia is the only one willing to shoulder the risk of actively training and funding the mujahideen while Egypt and Saudi Arabia..." "Now, the Saudis are matching any funding from Congress?" "That's right." "So when you say 40 million to me, you're really talking about 80 million." "Only 40 from us." "You want to put $80 million in the hands of these people?" "No, see, Doc, now, if you took a trip with me to the border, you'd stop calling them "these people."" "They are farmers and children mostly, and they are fighting our enemies for us." "I know." "And that should be impossible for America." "I know." "It should be impossible for America to sit on the bench while little kids and their mothers fight our enemies." "Now, all you have to do to change that is to support me in the Committee, Mr. Chairman." "I'm sorry, Charlie, but doubling from 5 to 10 million is one thing, but, you know, I just can't get behind this." "Joanne Herring's residence." "Who's speaking?" "Miss Herring, Congressman Wilson for you." "Hello." "Hey." "Tell me what's happening." "Well, I need Doc Long, and he's not getting on board." "Now, he's a church-going guy, so I thought, you know, maybe you could..." "So now you need God." "Yeah." "Let me give you his private line." "I've got it." "Trish!" "Yes, ma'am." "Boss?" "Yeah." "Hey, that's a nice sweater." "Oh, thank you." "The Washington Times wants to know if you've ever been in rehab." "Well, what are you gonna tell them?" "That you won't go to rehab 'cause they don't serve whiskey there." "Well, that's why you're the press secretary, boo-boo." "I've got Stu on the line." "Can you jump on?" "Yeah." "Hey, Stu, it's me." "All right." "No, she's not a stripper, Stu." "She just posed for the cover..." "Oh, what the hell difference does it make?" "They're talking to Crystal today." "Yeah." "Giuliani subpoenaed the limo driver." "Oh, that's what Gus said he'd do." "Well, the limo driver said he didn't see anything." "He didn't see anything." "So Giuliani subpoenaed every limo driver between Arlington and Silver Spring to see if any of them can recall you using cocaine." "Joanne Herring's on the phone." "Hey, you." "We're all leaving in the morning." "You're kidding?" "No." "Well, what did you have to promise him?" "There's a blind girl in jail 'cause she was raped." "Yeah." "You're gonna get her out." "What, I got to bust somebody out of jail?" "Don't be stupid, Charlie." "You're gonna tell Zia to pardon her." "That's Doc's condition." "I'll fly in tonight." "Buy me a drink?" "Yes, ma'am." "We're almost there, Charlie." "I'm going back to Pakistan tomorrow!" "Let's party!" "Charlie!" "Oh, that was..." "I'm gonna..." "You want a refill here, darling?" "Thanks." "Can we get another round?" "Mario!" "Oh, Charlie." "Hey, Joanne." "Can I call you Joanne?" "Yes." "You'll want to dress considerably more modestly when we're at the border." "Well, thank you, but I have been passionately involved with the cause of the Afghans for three years." "I've been there many times." "Okay, well, then I'll just go fuck myself." "I am not easily shocked, Mr. Avrakotos." "I knew you two were gonna hit it off right away." "Charlie!" "Sorry, Stu's on the phone." "You can take it at the bar." "Stu." "This can't be good." "How'd you hook up with Charlie?" "Are you also passionately involved with the cause of the Afghans?" "No, I just wasn't really doing anything else." "I mean, how did you get into the CIA?" "Oh, I didn't." "I'm with the Department of Agriculture." "Food and Plant Division." "Specifically apple imports." "Now, you don't seem like the apple type." "I know." "What's that mean?" "Where are you from?" "What do you care?" "Are you a Catholic?" "Greek Orthodox, Mrs. Herring." "That's still Christian." "Imagine my relief." "What's your problem with me?" "You know, I've found, in my business, that when people with time on their hands get involved in politics," "I start forgetting what I'm supposed to be shooting at." "That would be in the apple import business." "Yes, ma'am." "I'll have to remember that." "Please do." "It's over!" "It's over!" "It is over!" "That was Stu, and it is over." "Wait, wait, wait." "Crystal didn't name you?" "Well, she witnessed me doing coke in the Cayman Islands." "Oh, shit, Charlie." "No, it's all right." "That's out of the Justice Department's jurisdiction, so it is over." "I'm going home!" "Gus, Joanne, the most important trip of our lives is in the morning, so let's get plenty of sleep." "I'm going home." "Jailbait, slap my hands!" "Yeah!" "Mario, this is all on me." "Yes, sir." "He may be in trouble with the press, but he stayed out of jail." "You don't see God's hand in this?" "Well, reasonable people can disagree, but I don't see God anywhere within miles of this." "On the other hand, if you slept with me tonight," "I bet you I could change my mind in a hurry." "Oh, you would." "Yeah." "I'll see you on the plane." "Sluts." "Doc's eating this up." "Yeah?" "We're gonna get the money." "Charlie?" "Charlie!" "Guy's a little senile." "Don't be fooled." "He chairs a Subcommittee?" "Mmm-hmm." "Charlie, Joanne, this has been an absolutely eye-opening experience." "I mean, it's absolutely stunning." "Tell them what we saw, Mr. Papadropolous." "Tell them." "They only want to go back there and fight." "And you're their savior, Mr. Chairman." "Oh, I wouldn't go that far, no." "Watch this." "She's gonna lock it right on up." "Mr. Chairman, these people have been waiting for you." "They have been sitting here and bleeding and waiting and praying for you." "It's only gonna be a man like you who can save them." "We know, don't we, about our men, what they can do when they summon themselves." "Charlie, I think they want you to make some remarks." "No, you should do it, Mr. Chairman." "These people have been waiting a long time for you." "Show Muriel what you can do." "Show your wife." "I'm a little bit emotional about what I've seen here today." "Show her." "You can do it." "Go on." "All right." "Papadropolous." "Well, it's Greek." "It's in the ballpark." "(MAN TRANSLATING IN FOREIGN My friends, my son served in Vietnam." "He was wounded fighting in battle against the Soviet oppressors." "I didn't know that about his son." "So, you see, I'm no stranger, no stranger at all to the horrors and atrocities of the Communists!" "Thank you so much." "I talk about God for one simple reason." "As God is my witness today..." "We need him on our side." "... these Russian gunships, every last one of them, are gonna be blown right out of the sky." "We're gonna see that you have guns and we're gonna see that you have training!" "Thank you." "Well, what I think's got Gus worried is that sooner or later God is gonna be on both sides." "This is good against evil." "And I want you to know that America's always going to be on the side of the good." "And God will always punish the wicked!" "God is great!" "God is great!" "This has been a year of setback and frustration." "And the Soviet Army, more than at any time since the war began," "Now has the upper hand." "The mujahideen are pinned down." "The Afghan resistance has been sanctified by the United States, but the support has not been translated into military hardware." "The guerrillas still cling to the Kalashnikov, but it's not enough." "They're waiting in vain for bigger modern weapons to turn on the Red Army." "The guerrillas survived the raid." "The Soviets now are conducting some of the heaviest bombing of the war." "The Soviets have put more troops and equipment back in." "Communist bastards." "Don't send us rice and bandages, give us weapons so that we can shoot down their gunships." "It's called the MILAN anti-tank missile." "Can the Afghans win without it?" "No." "End of discussion." "I would like to have the previously approved sum increased by an additional 30 million, bringing the total appropriation to 70 million." "I'd like to introduce the MILAN anti-tank missile." "We've got 300 in the field." "Yeah!" "Yep." "Let's kill some Russians!" "Voting to pump up the money for the freedom fighters is the only way for the northeastern liberal to prove that he's serious." "How much are you asking for?" "I'd want to go from 70 million to 100 million." "And if you vote for me, I can deliver the Black Caucus for the farm subsidy." "And they asked him, quite reasonably enough," ""How did you vote on that?"" "And I swear to God, he looks over at his staff guy." "He had to check with an aide for an answer to that question." "I don't know how that guy stays in office." "It was the Bamian-led group." "They set an ambush here at the Fuladi Bridge." "What'd they get?" "Four supply trucks coming out of Bagram Airbase." "They hit a Soviet motorized rifle battalion on horseback?" "You bet your ass." "Then these guys are pretty good." "We can't control this thing anymore." "The man stood in my office in Islamabad, and I told him," ""A sudden influx of money" ""and weaponry..." Could you hand me that belt, please?" "Thank you." "I mean, how is it possible that this congressman of no particular importance is doing this by himself?" "I will admit it's not unimpressive." "Is this the war we want to be fighting, Henry?" "Huh?" "Harold, whatever he's doing, believe me, it's working." "The CIA estimates that seven out of every 10 times the muj fires a Stinger, a Soviet chopper or a plane falls out of the sky." "Now, Russian MiGs go for $20 million, Stingers go for 60-70,000." "What do you want to do?" "Well, I'd like to double to 250 million." "Remind me again, where did this thing start?" "5 million." "Hello?" "Is this Mrs. Joanne King Herring Davis?" "Where's it at, Charlie?" "How's the honeymoon?" "Am I ever gonna see you naked again?" "Where's it at, Charlie?" "500 million." "Matched by the Saudis." "One billion dollars." "That's right." "Billion with a "b."" "Where does this rank relative to other covert wars?" "There's never been anything else like it." "Since when?" "Ever." "I miss you, Charlie." "I, Joanne," "I always miss you." "I better go." "There's nothing wrong with that!" "And out in Polk, there's the polecat who took us over the side there." "You know, that's the truth." "What do you got?" "Is that Gus?" "You got it." "Hey, Gus!" "Congratulations on your reelection." "Yeah, thank you." "Tell me what you know." "All right." "Doc Long is gonna lose." "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "We saw that coming." "Yeah, so who's gonna be our wallet now?" "John Murtha." "And is that good news?" "Yep." "Why?" "I was his vote on the Ethics Committee." "You know, you're a very, very easy man to like, Congressman." "Call me tomorrow morning at high noon." "I will." "Bye-bye." "We present you with this Stinger tube." "There was wild jubilation inside the country of Afghanistan as last weekend it became the first country in history to defeat the mighty Soviet Union." "The retreat of Soviet military power from Afghanistan is complete." "The last of Russia's regular army invasion force is out." "Fear and uncertainty were mixed with joy today as the commander of Soviet troops followed the last of his men across the border." "CBS News Moscow correspondent, Barry Petersen, begins our coverage." "It was the last hurrah." "The final Soviet combat troops crossing the Friendship Bridge on the border between Afghanistan and the Soviet Union." "The Soviet commander, Lieutenant..." "Look what you did, Charlie." "Hey, it's..." "Hey, hey, hey." "Hey, hey!" "It's traditional to make a gesture towards the vanquished." "Gus, it's your honor." "Okay." "Reports that some Afghan units have..." "Well, here's to you, you motherfuckers." "... determined to show the world that the era of Soviet military intervention in other countries is now over." "Well, I told you." "Told me what?" "All we had to do was shoot down the helicopters." "Listen, not for nothing, but do you know the story about the Zen master and the little boy?" "Oh, is this something from Nitsa, the Greek witch of Aliquippa, Pennsylvania?" "Yeah, as a matter of fact, it is." "There was a little boy, and on his 14th birthday he gets a horse." "And everybody in the village says, "How wonderful!" "The boy got a horse."" "And the Zen master says, "We'll see."" "Two years later, the boy falls off the horse, breaks his leg." "And everybody in the village says, "How terrible!"" "And the Zen master says, "We'll see."" "Then a war breaks out, and all the young men have to go off and fight, except the boy can't 'cause his leg's all messed up." "And everybody in the village says, "How wonderful!"" "And the Zen master says, "We'll see."" "So you get it." "No." "No, I don't 'cause I'm stupid." "You're not stupid." "You're just in Congress." "Send them money." "You can start with the roads." "Move on to the schools, factories." "Gus, now, it's a party." "Restock the sheep herds." "Hey." "Give them jobs, give them hope." "I'm trying." "I'm trying." "Yeah, well, try harder." "I'm fighting for every dollar." "Yeah, yeah." "I took you from 5 million to a billion." "I broke the ice on the Stinger and the MILAN." "I got a Democratic Congress in lockstep behind a Republican President." "Well, that's not good enough 'cause I'm gonna hand you a code word classified NIE right now, and it's gonna tell you that the crazies have started rolling into Kandahar like it's a fucking bathtub drain." "Jesus, Gus, you could depress a bride on her wedding day." "Hey." "Listen to what I'm telling you." "You did a hell of a job for the son of a soda pop maker." ""We'll see," said the Zen master." "$1 million for school reconstruction?" "Oh, shit, Charlie." "Listen." "He's like the congressman from Kabul." "Did you hear me say it was a million, not a billion, for school construction?" "Yeah, we heard you." "Everybody heard you, buddy." "They heard you in Dover, Delaware." "Well, I sure hope I'm not annoying you, Bob, 'cause that's the last thing I want to do." "Look..." "I was in the Roosevelt Room with the President last week." "You know what he said?" "He said, "Afghanistan?" "Is that still going on?"" "Well, it is." "Half the population of that country is under the age of 14." "Charlie." "Half the population is under the age of 14." "Now, think how fucking dangerous that is." "They're gonna come home and find their families are dead, their villages have been napalmed." "And we helped kill the guys who did it." "Yeah, but they don't know that, Bob, 'cause they don't get home delivery of The New York Times." "And even if they did, it was covert, remember?" "This is what we always do." "We always go in with our ideals and we change the world and then we leave." "We always leave." "But that ball, though, it keeps on bouncing." "What?" "The ball keeps on bouncing." "Yeah, we're a little busy right now reorganizing Eastern Europe, don't you think?" "We've spent billions." "Let's spend a million on H.R.118 and rebuild a school." "Charlie, nobody gives a shit about a school in Pakistan." "Afghanistan." "So, for the first time, a civilian is being given our highest recognition, that of Honored Colleague." "Ladies and gentlemen of the Clandestine Services," "Congressman Charles Wilson." "Bravo, Charlie." "Edited by LeapinLar"