"I came to this planet with Xev, to learn if it was a good place for her to find suitable men, who would make her happy." "I'm Isambard Prince, director of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms of the United States of America, and I've been sent here to attempt to reason with the alien threat." "What alien threat?" "You." "I'm a love slave from the planet B3K." "Get me down outta here!" "I'm Stanley H Tweedle, captain of the Lexx!" "Don't worry." "After a few weeks you get used to it." "What was your crime?" "Not flying as far away as I could from this stupid planet when I had the chance." "In your big dragonfly?" "The Lexx." "Why didn't you?" "Because I'm stupid, OK?" "I wish I could fly away from this planet." "Will you take me with you when you go?" "Tell Prince I wanna talk to him!" "Tell him" " I'm very uncomfortable, he's made his point, and I'm willing to make a deal!" "Stanley " "Tell him Stanley H Tweedle is a practical man!" "What kind of deal?" "Look, no offence OK, but I don't like children." "We're stuck here beside each other for now, so I'll agree not to bug you, if you agree not to bug me." "OK?" "OK." "I'm in agony here!" "Tell Prince I wanna see him right now!" "You're the one that killed four guys at the Lilliput trailer park, right?" "I didn't kill anyone." "I believe you, name?" "Xev." "Xev what?" "Xev Bellringer of B3K." "Is B3K in Texas?" "No." "Then where is it?" "B3K is another planet, far away from here." "Ain't no space on this form for other planets." "All I know is that I'm from the planet B3K." "I don't know where on it exactly." "OK, lets make this easy - did you grow up in a city, town, or in the countryside?" "I grew up in a box." "That'd be Houston then." "How long do I have to stay here?" "Oh, I'd say about - 25, years, to life." "That's 25 of our Earth years." "What's that for?" "That's a fresh pair of panties for you to put on." "Don't matter whether you like 'em or not - you won't be wearing 'em long." "Do you have joy in your life?" "No." "I'd like to give you a life of joy!" "I was asleep." "You woke me up." "That does not make my life joyful." "But it's 3 o'clock in the afternoon." "I prefer to sleep during the day." "Why?" "Because that's when people like you are awake." "OK." "So where you from?" "Sulphur Louisiana." "Where?" "I'm from Sulphur Louisiana." "Ah." "Nice place?" "No." "Oh." "Too bad." "Where are you from?" "Well" " I'm from Ostral B, actually." "Ostral B?" "Yeah, yeah" " I was a hero there." "But that's in the Light Universe, you know, it's a different universe from this one." "This is the Dark Universe." "The last planet I was onwas the Cluster, which was the capital of theLeague of 20,000 Planets." "What did you do there?" "Security." "What kind of security?" "Was it dangerous?" "Dangerous?" "I laugh in the face of danger." "Did you capture space criminals?" "Well, yeah, stuff like that - look, you don't get to be the captain of the most powerful vessel in the two universes" "Oh, Stanley, Stanley." "without having gone through quite a few difficult situations." "Wow." "They put me here because I saw your spaceship go behind the moon with my telescope." "What's it like?" "Well, like a big bug really - except with mechanical parts." "And - it is the most powerful destructive force ever built." "Who owns it?" "Well, I guess you could say I do, Stanley H Tweedle." "How do you control it?" "Well, it's kinda hard to explain really - look, this is a Type 13 planet, and you people - you're nowhere near my level of mental advancement." "Guess not." "But I'll try to put it as simply as I can - um, I control the Lexx with a key - key?" "That lives inside me, and only me." "Forever and ever?" "Forever and ever - well, as long as I'm alive anyway." "So, yeah - we flew down here in a moth." "Like the kind that flies around at night?" "Oh, Stanley Tweedle...." "I am feeling...." "Well yeah, kinda, except ours are much bigger." "Ours are big enough to carry passengers." "Prince stole one." "Prince isn't a very nice man." "Evil." "You know, I don't even know if Prince is a man." "I mean, he used to be the ruler of this really evil planet called Fire, and he, he would die over and over again, and every time he'd come back, same as before, except more evil." "Tweet tweet, Tweedle." "What frequency should I use?" "It does not matter." "Why not?" "790 listens to all frequencies." "He will respond to the sound of my voice." "Really?" "790." "Oh, breath of death!" "Breathe life into me again!" "790 has an affinity for dead men." "Just one stiff - and he is the stiffest!" "May I talk to Stanley?" "Why would you want to?" "790, please tell Stanley that I would like to talk to him." "Sadly, you can't." "Why not?" "He's gone." "Where?" "Down to the Earth, with Prince." "The same Prince who ruled the planet Fire?" "He looked the same." "And he was just as evil." "He said his name was Isambard Prince." "Where did he take Stanley?" "Out of my sight, and away from you, which is entirely excellent from my point of view." "Isambard Prince is a truly evil man at the head of an evil organisation - the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms." "Where would I find him?" "In Washington DC." "What is Washington DC?" "The capital city of this country." "Where are you going?" "To find Stan and Xev." "Kai!" "Kai!" "Don't leave." "We have so much more to talk about." "Kai!" "Talk to me." "Kai!" "Kai!" "You promised to help us leave this planet." "The dead clearly do not keep their promises." "790?" "Yes, beloved blackness?" "I want you to search all electromagnetic signals on this planet for amy information that will help me locate Stan and Xev." "I can't ." "Why not?" "I'm too busy - dreaming of you." "Do you love me, 790?" "Madly!" "Then you will do as I say, and help me find Xev and Stan." "Oh, all right then - but under protest!" "And 790" " I want you to tell these people everything they need to know to be able to leave this planet in the way they want." "You could have asked me to do something difficult at least." "We need to leave this planet in the next few months." "Teach us how to build a space vessel capable of carrying us safely to another life bearing planet." "You can't build one." "But you just said to Kai that it was not difficult." "Of course it's not difficult - and of course you can't build one because this is a type 13 planet in its final stage." "You simply do not have the technology to create such a vessel." "However - you do have the rough technology to build big machines, which can build smaller machines which can build the tiny machines capable of constructing the vessel you need." "You do a good job now." "That's enough!" "I want to wear my own clothes." "I hate to disappoint you, but one does not get to wear what one wants in the Texas prison system." "Anyway, like I was saying Prince stole a moth, flew it down here." "How?" "Well, moths aren't that hard to fly really, you just point the joystick where you want, and - off you go." "Oh, black and beautiful!" "What is it, 790?" "My good deed for the day." "Yeah, we flew down in a moth and then flew into a little building underground, then he took me up, put me up here beside you." "Where's your moth shuttle now?" "I don't know." "Somewhere right around here, I hope." "Thank you, 790." "What is Stanley's location?" "I don't know." "Somewhere on that stupid planet." "Where exactly?" "I don't know!" "I suppose I could trace the signal and figure it out eventually - if I really had to." "But I would have to analyse endless possibilities, which is just a huge waste of time." "790 - waste the time, and inform me of Stanley Tweedle's precise location as soon as you have determined it." "Oh!" "Hello, captain." "Well, finally!" "Finally - what?" "Finally I get off this wall." "This is really uncomfortable, you know." "Sadly - for you at least" " I'm not here to release you." "At least, not in the way that you would like." "Now - who shall I drop to his death first?" "The security guard 4th class, or the pathetic little science student?" "Drop the pathetic little science student!" "Perhaps, but not quite yet." "First, there's an experiment I want to try with you, Stanley." "Experiment?" "Yes Stanley." "You have the key, to the Lexx." "I want it." "No way, pal." "Yes way, Stanley." "Because the only way I can be one hundred percent certain that when the Lexx leaves this planet I will be onboard, is for me to have the key." "So you wanna make a deal?" "No" " I want to kill you." "And at your moment of death, in theory anyway, the key will fly from your hand - and into mine." "And I'm about to test that theory right now, by removing your supports and dropping you to your death on the concrete floor below." "No!" "Why?" "You can't kill him!" "He's an Ostral B hero." "Is he now?" "Yeah, and the key might go into him instead of you." "Precisely, and that's why he is a very important part of this experiment." "Because if the key does go into him, I shall press a second button and drop the pathetic little science student to his death." "The key still won't go into you." "We'll see." "It won't go into you because it can't!" "Why not?" "Because you're not alive." "The key can only go into somebody who's really alive, and that means it's gonna find someone else." "I think I'm really alive." "Yeah, but you're not sure, are ya?" "Perhaps." "Still, this is an awfully good way to find out." ""My name is" - then just pick a name from the list - Tiffany, Melanie, any name, it doesn't matter." ""I am sixteen years old, with blue eyes and blonde hair"." "Or green eyes and red hair, they like that too." ""I am a junior in high school." "I have no boyfriend, because I study all the time - "." "How do you spell school?" "S-c-h-o-o-l and look - don't worry about the spelling." "You think they read the letters?" "All they want is your panties, to do whatever it is they " "I don't really want to think about it." "All you need to know is that inmates in this facility will not receive clean underwear unless they've handed in their dirty ones with one of these nice little letters attached." "Am I making myself clear?" "Good." "Where was I?" ""I have no boyfriend"." ""I have no boyfriend, because I study all the time to get good grades"" "which is something none of you ever did." "Anyway " ""Someday I want to fall in love with a strong and handsome businessman, with lots and lots of money."" "You're pretty." "You're sick." "I'm learning to live with it." "What do you want, my beloved darling daughter?" "Who is she?" "That's Xev of B3K." "She's from another planet." "And she's already killed four people, so don't get too close." ""I hope you enjoy my panties." "They are my favourite pair, which my mother gave me on my birthday." "I only wore them once." "I like to make people happy" Love, Tiffany, Melanie, Jessica - whatever." "Off with your panties!" "Well?" "Well?" "Underwear, please." "She hasn't written anything down - you haven't written anything down!" "Look at her paper, it's completely blank." "I'm leaving, so - goodbye." "If only it were that easy." "Put her in the hold!" "That filly needs to be broken." "Whatever it is that goes on in that girl's mind comes entirely from your side of the family." "She's no daughter of mine, she comes from some kind of parallel universe." "And you don't?" "!" "No!" "It doesn't appear to be working." "Nevertheless, the first part of my little experiment is now complete." "The key has left you, Stanley, but unfortunately has transferred itself to the pathetic little science student instead of me." "However, before I can start the second part of my experiment, which is to drop that science student to his death, perhaps I ought to cut you down first." "After all, we don't want the key returning to you now, do we?" "Please Prince, please I'll do anything you want, anything!" "I'll do it." "Hey hey, kid, kid, we're friends, right?" "I'll cut his fingers off." "Why do you want to?" "I don't know, I just do for some reason." "Please Mr Prince" " I want to kill him." "Hey hey hey!" "Sulphur Louisiana, Ostral B, remember?" "!" "What a bad choice." "I think I rather like him." "That's boy!" "Hey, I was kidding!" "I really do like children!" "Looks like your little science student isn't so pathetic after all." "Hey kid!" "Kid, please come back, get me down outta here." "I can't hold on here!" "Come on Stan." "Come on, you can do it." "Thank you thank you thank you thank you!" "Nice bootie, nice bootie." "Ha ha." "Can't fool Stanly." "So, you were mortal after all." "Weren't you, Prince?" "Don't be so sure, Stanley." "However, I do now better understand the meaning of the word pain." "Stanley - we must stop the boy." "We?" "Yes - you and me." "The boy intends to steal the Lexx from the two of us." "He intends to escape with me." "Stanley - you are a fool." "Why don't you listen to someone who knows human nature better than you." "Goodbye, Prince." "I'm outta here." "Stanley - where are you going?" "As far away from you as I can get." "How?" "I know where the moth is." "Do you?" "Tell us your story." "I'm Xev Bellringer." "My story?" "After I was abandoned by my parents as a child, I grew up in a box, on the planet B3K, which is in the Light Universe." "I have found it, but it's everywhere." "That's a parallel universe to this one, which is called the Light Zone." "Where?" "Everywhere!" "All over the planet." "It's an Internet site called P4X." "The Internet is a computer communication network." "P4X is a famous site." "Unfortunately, the Light Universe doesn't exist anymore." "It was destroyed by robotic drone arms under the control of the evil Bio-Vizier Mantrid." "On the Cluster, I was sentenced to become a love slave." "I was given a beautiful body and programmed to fall totally in love with the first man I saw." "But the operation went wrong." "I got the body." "A robot head, 790, got the mental programming I was supposed to get and now he's totally in love with a dead man " "Kai." "And proud of it!" "Where does it come from?" ""You have to understand..."" "No-one knows." ""..." "I was programmed by a machine..."" "P4X is a bandit site." ""to be the perfect woman..."" "Every time it appears it has a different computer address." ""...to make a man happy through physical love - but I never get the chance." "Every time I'm close to love, something goes wrong." "I'm not a love slave " "I'm a loveless slave." "I have the perfect body, but I cannot find myself a man." "I thought I loved Kai, and maybe I still do 790, locate the origin of this signal." ""...but I have learned that I cannot find love..."" "I can't!" "It's everywhere." "Who cares about her anyway?" "Think about me!" "Locate the origin of the signal." "OK, OK, I'll try." "Every night when I go to sleep, I dream of finding myself hot and wet and naked in bed with a strong and well equipped man." "There." "Where?" "I don't know." "Somewhere very close to where you are now, in the Earth state of Texas." "But that's the best I can do - for a while anyway." ""All I know is" " I want to find him." Thank you 790." "Will you be back?" "Perhaps." "I have to find him." "And someday I will find him." "I can't find my father!" "I can't find my father!" "What's wrong, son?" "I've lost my father." "He was here, and I was with him, but now I can't find him." "What's your father's name?" "Why am I doing this?" "You're the most evil person I ever met, I can't believe I'm helping you." "Sometimes Stanley, in order to help yourself, you have to help others." "He must have taken it." "What?" "My key card." "That's how he got out." "Hey - that's not a toy, kid." "My father went to the room where the secret special space moth is kept." "Where is it?" "Here, give me the gun and I'll tell you." "You tell me where the moth is, and I'll give it to you." "Back down this way, till you hit room 1A." "Now give it to me." "You asked for it." "So what do we do now?" "We wait for him to find the moth." "Oh, what good is that gonna do us?" "The moth is here, Stanley." "Here?" "Yes." "Where?" "Over there, in that corner." "Well then why did we try to open the door?" "In order to get help." "Oh, for yourself, right?" "Not for me, because if the moth is already here," "I didn't need to go anywhere, did I?" "Oh you really are so evil." "We just passed ten million logins - it's the best ever." "She's the best ever." "Give it to her." "What?" "The missionary." "Could you read this for me please?" "What part?" "Any part." ""The Dallas Bugle." "A dollar fifty." "The most read paper in Texas"." "Thank you." "That's all I need." "I can read the rest myself now." "You're weird, mister." "The dead are weird." "Why do you watch that?" "It's more exciting than anything that happens in this marriage." "Nothing exciting ever happened in this marriage." "Must have had one moment of excitement." "I don't remember it." "Nor do I - but our beloved darling daughter came about somehow." "That's her!" "Who?" "The new prisoner" " Xev of" " R2D2." "That ain't possible." "I put Xev of B3K in the hold." "He's impressive." "It's Lomea!" "Who?" "Our beloved darling daughter - who sleeps all day, and says she does nothing all night." "This is what she really does." "Unlock it." "No." "Open it!" "This isn't it, I was already in this room." "Where's the moth?" "It's over there, in the back corner." "Behind the support, you can just see it." "Thanks." "Stanley." "Digby!" "You came back!" "Lomea!" "The prison's closed, nothing's open till 8, so leave, you better come back later." "I am looking for Xev of B3K." "So are we." "Are you a relation?" "No." "I must see her now." "It's not that easy, matey boy." "She's being held for murder." "Did she kill anyone?" "I guess not - this here fax is ordering her release." "You look weird." "I am dead." "What do you want Xev for?" "To assist her in leaving." "Leaving Texas?" "Leaving this planet." "Lomea!" "Hey, steady matey boy!" "No-one comes in off the street and leaves with an inmate." "Until now." "Don't just stand there, Stanley." "He'll take the Lexx and leave without us." "Hey kid, stop!" "You can't fly the Lexx without me." "You said all that's needed is the key to fly it, and I have the key, right?" "Yeah, but listen, you won't know what to do." "You need my superior intelligence!" "You can't leave me here, I'm an Ostral B hero!" "I salute you, noble hero!" "You can't leave me here on this stupid planet, you can't leave me here with Prince!" "Quickly, Stanley!" "What?" "The blue button on the panel near the door." "What about it?" "Press it, now!" "I am the captain of the Lexx!" "I control the most powerful weapon ever built, and I am leaving this planet forever!" "I am the captain of - No, No, Nooo!" "I'm sorry!" "I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" "About what?" "About being forced to do this to you." "You're not doing it to me - they are." "Think of it that way." "And I don't really mind." "Oh - but " "But what?" "I wanna stay faithful to my Snugga Wuzza." "Who is Snugga Wuzza?" "She's in the front row of my choir." "I know she don't see me now, but every night I pray that someday she'll be my bride." "Yeah?" "I wanna save myself for her, and give her a life of joy." "Stanley " "Kai!" "Xev." "Who are you?" "I was doing my mission - spreading a life of joy." "What is this sick business you got going on here?" "I was abducted by her, along with the rest of them." "The rest of who?" "Up there, up there." "This is your missionary collection?" "It's my Internet project, to make some money - so that I could get away from you!" "Make some extra money?" "This little stunt's gonna land you behind bars." "I'm underage." "Oh, I take after you, both of you!" "We are finished." "They're gonna kick us out of the prison system, unless I apply for a transfer." "Hinsville?" "Supposed to be nice there, in the spring." "It's a life of joy." "What is it?" "It is called a book." "Books contain useful information - sometimes." "And interesting stories - less often." "The moth we came in was destroyed, wasn't it?" "Yes." "So where will we go now?" "To Washington DC." "What's in Washington DC?" "Stanley." "Oh." "I hope you're happy." "Nothing will ever make me happy when I have parents like you." "So, what's next, Mr Success-story-not-exactly?" "You always wanted me to have a political career." "I thought maybe I'd try and get elected Mayor of Waco." "What was that?" "Stop the car!" "I just saw something move." "I just saw something move!" "What is keeping that mother of yours?" "Heidi, beloved darling - what's eating you now?" "Goodbye, creeps." "Get me down outta here!" "Prince!" "Prince!" "OK Prince, you made your point." "Ah!" "Stop fooling around with these stupid manacles!" "And - uh oh!" "Hang on for dear life, meat puppet!" "Whee!" "And open!" "Close!" "Subtitles made by Audician"