"?" "I'm going down to South Park?" "?" "Gonna have myself a time?" "?" "Friendly faces everywhere?" "?" "Humble folks without temptation?" "?" "Going down to South Park?" "?" "Gonna leave my woes behind?" "?" "Ample parking day or night?" "?" "People spouting "Howdy neighbor"?" "?" "Headed on up to South Park?" "?" "Gonna see if I can't unwind?" "?" "So come on down to South Park?" "?" "And meet some friends of mine.?" "Is this what you're looking for, Kyle?" "No, I don't think so." "No, that's a hair dryer!" "Can I help you find something?" "Yeah." "Do you have any "ne-rections"?" "Any what?" "I need to get a ne-rection for my dad." "Very funny boys." "Go on, beat it!" "Why is that funny?" "Dude, my mom and dad keep fighting all the time." "And I heard them say it's 'cause my dad doesn't have a ne-rection." "So, I wanna get him one." "Damn it, what the hell is wrong with everybody?" "That's the fifth store we've been kicked out of." "Why is it so hard to get a ne-rection?" "I just want a ne-rection so I can give it to my mom." "What?" "Where you gonna go, Kenny?" "Gonna to see your little girlfriend, again?" "Gee, you spend way too much time with that girl..." "Oh, my God, they killed Kenny!" "You bastards!" "What the hell happened to him?" "He just... ignited!" "What happened?" "I saw it from across the street." "He just caught on fire." "Okay, people, stand back, give the little burnt boy some breathing room." "I've heard about this." "This is spontaneous combustion!" "But it usually only happens to fat people near open flames!" "Is it contagious?" "Am I going to spontaneously combust?" "I hope nothing happens to me." "This is very scary!" "The people are panicking about spontaneous combustion." "That's why I've assembled this crack team of scientists to find out the cause of the phenomenon." "You are the best scientific mind South Park has to offer." "Uh..." "Mayor, I'm a geologist." "Right." "Well, I don't study human biology," "I study the Earth." "Look, you're the only scientist that lives in this town." "You have to find an answer before more people combust." "You do that, and you'll be the most beloved man in South Park." "CROWD Randy!" "Randy!" "Randy!" "Randy!" "We love you, Randy." "Make love to me, Randy, please!" "Wow!" "Marsh, I'm not asking you, I'm telling you!" "Find the cause of spontaneous combustion or else!" "Or else what?" "Exactly!" "Dude, he looks so peaceful without his little orange coat on." "Yeah." "The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away." "Sometimes the giveth seems a little disproportionate to the taketh." "There seems to be a lot more taketh-ing going on, but there it is." "Perhaps if more of you attended church on Sundays, the Lord would not have felt it necessary to punish us by taketh-ing this little boy." "Oh, here comes the guilt trip again." "Now let us pray." "Lord, though we have lost Neil Smith to Free Agency and Steve Atwater to the Jets, still, we hope our beloved Broncos can bring home another Super Bowl championship, and once again bathe in the glory of your light." "Amen." "Amen!" "?" "Let's go...?" "?" "Let's go!" "?" "?" "Broncos...?" "?" "Broncos!" "?" "?" "Let's go, Broncos...?" "?" "Broncos, let's go!" "?" "Wow, that was short!" "Boys, I haven't seen you in church lately." "Well, I'm Jewish." "You're not too Jewish to worship Jesus, are you?" "I guess not." "Good." "Boys, how would you like to perform" "The Stations of the Cross this Friday night?" "The what?" "It's like a skit, where you reenact the death and glorious resurrection of Jesus Christ." "Hey, "resurrection"!" "That's what my dad needs." "Huh?" "We'll do it!" "We'll do it." "Wonderful." "Here's a book on how to perform it." "Don't let me down, boys." "Dude, this is great!" "You know allThe Stations of the Cross, right, Stan?" "I don't know, dude." "I'm gonna have to go look in the Bible." "Good night, Jerry." "See you, Tom." "Bye, Helen." "Bye, Jer..." "Oh, my God, another one!" "Helen, no!" "What happened?" "God must be very angry with us." "But why?" "How have we angered you, Lord?" "Now, let's see, if they combust..." "No... no..." "Dad, where's our Bible?" "Not now, Stan." "I have to find out what causes spontaneous combustion or else." "Or else what?" "Exactly." "What?" "Right." "Where's our Bible?" "It's in the attic with the old LPs." "Boys, did you notice anything strange about Kenny in the weeks leading up to his combustion?" "What did he spend his time doing?" "He didn't do anything." "He was always with his new girlfriend." "New girlfriend?" "Yeah." "He started seeing this girl." "He spent all the time taking the bus to go visit her." "What does that have to do with his death?" "Maybe nothing... maybe everything." "Well, we're gonna go work on getting Kyle's Dad a ne-rection." "Yes, yes, of course." "I've got work to do." "What?" "!" "Let's see, "Jesus got crucified, then he died, then three days later he had his ne-rection. "" "There's 14 Stations of the Cross." "Oh, it says we can make costumes out of sheets!" "This is gonna be fun!" "I'm gonna be Jesus!" "You're too fat to be Jesus!" "Oh, like you're gonna do it, Jew!" "Stan should be Jesus." "Either I'm Jesus or I'll screw you guys," "I'm going home!" "You are such a fat baby!" "Well, I guess you guys can do" "The Stations of the Cross by yourselves!" "All right, all right, you can be Jesus, you tubby cry-baby!" "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I'm Jesus and you aren't!" "All right, all right, let's try it again" "Kenny was standing here." "Stan, Kyle and Cartman were walking around him." "Okay, now walk." "Do you feel hot?" "Uh, no." "Damn it, how come you're not combusting?" "Come on, Randy, you said we were gonna drink beer and watch the fight." "Another one!" "Another one combusted!" "No." "Had she been doing anything odd?" "No." "She was just on her way to her new boyfriend's house." "Boyfriend, and they said Kenny had a new girlfriend." "This is stupid, screw you guys, I'm going home." "No!" "I think I might have it." "Well, well, well, a lot of you came to church." "Looks like we're all a little nervous about this spontaneous combustion thing, huh?" "Yeah." "Uh-huh." "Well, on this blessed Friday, let us give thanks for stuff... and things." "Lord, is it so much to ask that you not let us suddenly burst into flames for no apparent reason?" "I mean... come on!" "Amen." "And now some of our darling local children are going to perform The Stations of the Cross." "Station One:" "Jesus is condemned to death by Pilate." "Die!" "Ow!" "You can do what you will, but I am the Lamb of God." "Station Two:" "Jesus takes his cross." "This cross is seriously heavy." "Oh, man, this is totally weak." "And then Jesus' disciple, Peter, denies he knows him." "Peter!" "I don't know you, dude." "Oh, Peter, weak." "Peter, lame." "But I'm Jesus, so I forgive you, I guess." "Mayor." "Mayor, I have it!" "I found out why people spontaneously combust." "Why?" "It's too complicated to explain over the phone." "Call a town meeting tomorrow." "Okay, if you're right about this, Marsh, you're going to be the most popular man in South Park!" "CROWD Randy!" "Randy!" "Randy!" "Randy!" "We love you, Randy." "Make love to me, Randy, please!" "Wow!" "Schmuck!" "Station 11:" "Jesus is nailed to the cross." "Oh, this has gone from weak to super-weak." "Things cannot get any more weak for me." "Then a crown of thorns was placed on Jesus's head." "And Jesus was all like, "Thanks!"" "Well, this sucks that I have to die." "But if I die, everyone's sins will be forgiven." "So I guess it's cool." "And then Jesus was led away to Mount Sinai where he died, and has a res-erection three days later." "Hi, mom!" "Thank you, boys." "Blessed be the name of Jesus." "It's a great name, isn't it?" "Hey, that went really well." "They really liked it." "Yeah, I told you I'd be a sweet Jesus, you guys." "Aw, man, at least the real Jesus didn't weigh 400 pounds." "Up your ass with broken glass!" "This spot looks good." "Yeah, that looks pretty good!" "Okay, cool." "See you, Cartman." "Hey, wait, where the hell you going?" "I don't know, I'm going home, I guess." "Yeah, me, too." "Well, get me down from he'a!" "Cartman, how stupid are you?" "Didn't you read the Bible?" "We have to leave you up there until you die, and then you come back to life in three days." "What?" "Yeah, dummy, you have to get a ne-rection." "Then I can give it to my dad." "Hey!" "I don't want to be Jesus anymore!" "Don't leave me here, you guys!" "All right, that does it!" "Screw you guys, I'm going home." "Okay, I'm getting pissed now!" "Yahhhhh!" "All right, people, scientist Marsh and I have been working very hard on the problem of spontaneous combustion, and we have finally come up with a solution!" "Mr. Marsh?" "The little boy combusted because he had a new girlfriend." "It wasn't the girl that caused him to combust, it was the fact that" "Kenny did not want to pass gas in front of her." "You see, as food is digested, the natural processes give off a by-product known as methane gas." "The methane gathers here in the bowel area where it causes pressure." "Normally, a person would expel this buildup in the form of a pleasant fart." "Should the gas not be expelled, the methane can build up and then ignite, leading to... disaster!" "Kenny combusted because he held his farts in for too long." "You mean, all we have to do is fart and we won't explode?" "Exactly." "So, from this day forward, everyone in South Park will be required to fart on a regular basis to insure that nobody else spontaneously explodes." "CROWD Randy!" "Randy!" "Randy!" "We love you, Randy." "Make love to me, Randy, please!" "Whoa, dude, my dad's famous!" "Come on." "Let's go see how Cartman's doing with his a ne-rection." "Wow, he died!" "Now we've just got to wait for his erection and I can give it to my dad!" "Hey, there you guys are!" "Cartman?" "You guys are in big trouble." "Now get me down from he'a!" "How come you're not dead yet, Cartman?" "You guys, I am thirsty." "Get me down, right now." "Look, fat-ass, after you die and get resur-erected, you'll have all kinds of superpowers just like Jesus!" "Really?" "Yeah." "So hurry up and die, you piece of crap!" "When I get my super powers," "I'm gonna use them to smote you two assholes right off the planet!" "Hey, superpowers are sweet!" "Hi, boys." "Hi, Mr. Macky." "Have you boys been sure to pass gas regularly so you don't spontaneously combust?" "We know how to fart, Mr. Macky." "Well, let me show you just to be sure, M'kay?" "Mm, come on..." "Jesus Christ!" "Sick, dude!" "I had a steak wrapped with bacon last night." "Dude, I think you pulled mud!" "So you boys understand, you have to do that regularly, M'kay?" "Okay, okay, just go away!" "God, that was not cool at all, dude!" "Oh, hello, boys, have you seen Eric around anywhere?" "Uh, we've been taking care of him." "Yeah, we're having him resur-erected." "Oh, all right, I was just at the store buying some apples." "Apples?" "Yes, apples." "Apples, get it?" "Dude!" "Stinky apples." "See you, boys!" "I don't think I like this new law." "Squeeker!" "And so I declare today "Randy Marsh Day, "" "where we shall remember forever how he freed us all from the threat of spontaneous combustion." "Gentlemen..." "You're the best, Randy!" "I am?" "I am, huh!" "I never knew the depth of my scientific genius until now." "It's too bad Cartman can't be here to enjoy this." "Yeah." "You guys, guys, somebody get me down from he'a!" "Officer Barbrady!" ""T." "T" is for "turtle"!" "Hey, help me, you son of a bitch!" "I'm going to die up here." "We now return to:" "Here again, your host, Whoopie Goldberg." "Republicans are so stupid." "I hate Republicans." "Republicans are so stupid." "And now, here to present the Nobel Prize for Science, here is Nick Nolte." "Science is good." "Science is very im-por-tant." "This year's nominees are:" "Harold R. Pinkerton for his further development of the Grand Unified Theory of Physics;" "Randy Marsh for his formulated Break Wind Theory on Spontaneous Combustion;" "...and Alfonz Mephesto for his 7 Assed Galapagos Turtle." "And the Nobel Prize goes to:" "Randy Marsh for the Theory of Spontaneous Far-ting!" "No." "No, this can't be!" "Wow!" "Oh, Oh, wow!" "Oh!" "I'm the best!" "Yeah!" "Yeah!" "It's just so amazing to be told that you're the best." "I" " I thought I was just a normal person like all of you, but..." "Yeahhh!" "Well, thank you for showing me otherwise." "Yeah!" "I kick ass!" "Yeah!" "Fix!" "Fix!" "That was supposed to bemyaward." "I'll get him for this, mark my words!" "Wow, my dad's the best!" "All other dads suck compared to my dad!" "Hey, my dad's pretty cool too!" "I'm sorry, honey." "It's okay, I'll just call some 20-year-old and have him come over." "What?" "!" "I'm just kidding." "Kidding?" "Well, that's not funny." "That hurt my feelings." "Why?" ""Why"?" "Kyle!" "Don't worry, you guys," "I'm getting a ne-rection as we speak." "Huh?" "Well, actually, Cartman's getting a ne-rection." "But then we're gonna give it to you." "So... buck up!" "We have a very strange little boy, Gerald." "Dude, you're still not dead!" "You guys, my mom is totally worried about me." "You better let me down." "She's not worried about you." "Yes, she is." "I've been hearing her all day." "Listen, listen!" ""Eric, Eric, where are you?" "I miss you very much!"" "That's not your mom, calling!" ""Yes it is, you guys." ""Um, seriously, this is Eric's mom, and I want him home right now. "" "How stupid do you think we are?" "Now you die on that cross and get resurrected before I kick your ass!" "You guys, it's too hot out he'a." "I can't do this!" "He's right." "It has been getting really hot lately." "Yeah, I noticed that, too." "Let go get some ice cold lemonade!" "Hey, yeah!" "Ugh, Goddamn it!" "You guys, you guys wanna hear my "I hate Stan and Kyle" song?" "?" "I hate Stan and Kyle?" "?" "I seriously hate Stan and Kyle...?" "My God, it's burning up in here!" "Can't we crank the a. c. up some more?" "It's already on "full"." "You wanted to see me, Mayor?" "Yes, Marsh, we have a new problem and I think onlyyou can solve it." "I suspect you're talking about the dramatic heat wave." "Yes." "The temperature's steadily rising every day." "I want you to find out why." "Mayor, I think I'm a little overqualified for this." "My scientific mind is best used on global problems." "All right, all right, name your price." "10,000." "I have to protect my talent." "Done." "Just find out what's happening." "Don't worry, Mayor, I'll find the cause... or else." "Or else what?" "Exactly." "You guys..." "What the...?" "Oh, what now?" "Chef, Chef!" "Children, what the hell are you doing?" "Just get me down from here!" "Oh, finally!" "My arms are killing me." "You children shouldn't be out crucifying yourselves in this heat." "Sweet." "Now I'm gonna go kill those guys!" "Eric, I have to tell you something, and it's really gonna bum you out." "What?" "It's gonna really piss you off." "What?" "!" "This is just a dream." "You're still up on that cross!" "Oh, damn it!" "Dad, where's the phone book?" "Not now, Stanley." "Without my scientific genius, the town is doomed." "Let see now, when exactly did the temperature start to go up?" "Our topic tonight is the rising temperatures in South Park." "Let's go to the phones." "Caller, you're on the air." "Yeah, Jesus, after you got crucified, how long did it take you to die and resurrect?" "Stan?" "That's not the topic tonight." "The topic is global warming." "Oh." "Do you have an opinion on global warming?" "Uh... it sucks ass." "Okay." "Thank you, caller." "Let's go to our first guest, Dr. Alfonz Mephesto." "Thanks for coming." "You claim to know the cause of global warming in South Park." "I most certainly do." "The cause of global warming is..." "Randy Marsh!" "It was Marsh's theory on spontaneous combustion that told everyone to fart all they want." "Now, all the methane from all those farts has ripped a hole in our ozone layer." "We are all doomed to die!" "Aah, crap!" "Get him!" "We want answers!" "You've killed us all!" "Someone's got to pay!" "This is out of control!" "Boy, they're really pissed!" "Well, they're right, we should have known that all that methane could adversely affect the atmosphere." "Well, let's go talk to them." "Stick by me." "Hey!" "You've killed us all!" "Cram that Nobel Prize up your ass!" "Oh, my God, what's going on?" "Now we either hold in our farts and spontaneously combust, or we let our farts out and kill our entire planet!" "Well, I, for one, am not farting anymore!" "Uh, I'll, I'll try to find a solution." "We don't want your solutions, phony!" "Give me that!" "Yeah!" "Damn you, Marsh, get out of town!" "You fraud!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "Oh-oh!" "Oh!" "Mr. Garrison, help me!" "I..." "I do not know you, sir." "Oh!" "Oh!" "Oh-oh!" "Oh!" "Up yours!" "Argh!" "Yeah!" "Take that!" "Dude, that's my dad!" "Oh, yeah." "Sorry." "The spontaneous combustion problem escalates as more and more people go back to holding in all their farts." "Meanwhile the ozone layer continues to deplete as others refuse to hold in their farts for fear of combustion." "As we all know, the cause for all of this is Randy Marsh, the son of a bitch who calls himself a scientist." "We caught up with Mr. Marsh earlier today and he had this to say." "Uh..." "I-I don't know what to say." "What an asshole." "I hate that guy and so do you." "And now on to the weather." "It's -ing hot, thanks to Randy Marsh, son of a bitch." "Dude, those people are pissed!" "I know, huh." "Where's your dad?" "He's hiding down in the basement." "I" " I don't know what to do." "Well, you have to help him, just like I have to help my dad." "Still more effects from the heat wave caused by Randy Marsh." "A giant glacier is melting above South Park and the entire town is doomed." "And now these messages:" "Having a hard time with male potency?" "Well, I don't and I'm Bob Dole." "What's wrong with you?" "Christ, I'm Bob Dole and I can get it up!" "Are you a lawyer?" "Yes!" "We want to sue Randy Marsh." "Why?" "He gave us skin cancer!" "Yeah, he put that hole in the ozone, and now we've got skin cancer all over our hot bodies." "Look!" "What are you doing, Dad!" "Stanley, I think it's best, you live with Kyle from now on." "His dad is better than me." "No, he's not, he can't even get a ne-rection." "Really?" "Dad, you've got to work!" "People are dying, Dad." "You've got to come up with a solution." "Not me." "I'm not a scientist, I'm a hack." "Even if I found a solution those people would still all hate me." "Well, that doesn't matter." "I learned something from The Stations of the Cross." "What?" "See, at first Jesus was all like, "Why me?"" "And he was all pissed off and stuff." "But then he saw that what mattered most was everybody else, so he stopped thinking about his own misery and did what had to be done." "Right as Jesus was dying, he raised his hand and said," ""The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few. "" "You're right, Stanley, you're absolutely right." "Hey, that Bible sounds like kind of a good book." "It's ain't bad." "You should try reading it sometime." "Dude, that was Star Trek again." "Huh?" ""The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few"?" "That was Wrath of Khan." "Ah, well, Bible, Wrath of Khan, what's the difference?" "All right, now let's get to work." "?" "I've been tellin' everybody that you're my girl?" "?" "'Cause I'm not one to be shy?" "?" "You don't have to go with me if you don't want?" "?" "And just tell everybody I'm your guy?" "?" "You and me, girl?" "?" "It's forever?" "?" "Sha-la, la-la-la-la?" "?" "I've been tellin' everybody that you're my girl?" "?" "'Cause I'm not one to be shy?" "?" "I've been tellin' everybody that you're my girl?" "?" "'Cause I'm not one to be shy?" "?" "You don't have to go with me if you don't want?" "?" "And just tell everybody I'm your guy?" "?" "You and me, girl, it's forever?" "?" "Sha-la, la-la-la-la?" "?" "You and me, girl, together forever?" "Dad..." "?" "Sha-la, la-la-la-la?" "Dad!" "Wow." "Stan:" "Dad, what are you doing?" "You have to get started!" "Right, right, right." "Kyle, where's your mother?" "She's upstairs." "Well, I have something to give to her." "Don't worry, Kyle." "Everything's gonna be okay between me and your mom." "Really?" "Great!" "I don't have to worry about that anymore." "Hello?" "Look, there he is!" "Get him!" "Um, please, everyone..." "You're a dead man, Marsh!" "Please, just listen to me." "I think I've found the answer." "Could I borrow one of your rocks?" "It's all about moderation." "If you never fart, you combust." "But if you always fart, you deplete the ozone." "So, we must fart only at appropriate times or when it's really, really funny." "Huh?" "Huh?" "I know you all hate me, but please, for your own sake, fart in moderation." "You can keep stoning me now if you want." "Ow!" "And so, we salute Randy Marsh and his Unified Theory of Moderation that has saved us all." "See, my dad is the coolest after all." "Well, my dad's..." "Ooh, Cartman!" "I forgot all about him!" "He's been up there for, like, 3 weeks!" "Wow!" "That's amazing!" "Hey, guys, I am really pissed off now!" "Dude, you're still alive, Cartman?" "Get me down from he'a!" "Dude, you survived all this time on the fat stored up in your body?" "Yeah, and when I get down from he'a," "I'm gonna kick you both right in the nuts!" "?" "You and me, girl, it's forever?" "?" "Sha-la, la-la-la-la?" "?" "You and me, girl, forever and ever?" "?" "Sha-la, la-la-la-la?" "?" "Forever and ever?" "?" "You and me, girl?" "?" "Sha-la, la-la-la-la?" "?" "Forever and ever?" "?" "Sha-la, la-la-la-la?" "?" "You and me, girl...?" "?" "Sha-la, la-la-la-la...?"