"OK, one more time." "From the top." "Six beats, all right?" "One, two, three, four." "One, two..." "To be on the wire is life." "The rest... is waiting." " That's very theatrical, Joe." " Yeah, I know." " Did you make it up?" " I wish lhad." " Do you like it?" " Well, it's all right." "It's showtime, folks!" "Autumn?" " Is that your real name?" " Yes, sir." " You sure you don't wanna change that?" " Well, if you give me the job I'll change it." "Victoria Porter." "Is this your, uh... your home phone?" " You were in The Wiz?" " Mr Gideon, I've never been in any show." "I had to put something on the card." "I really need a job, so I lied." "It's all right, Rima." "I lie all the time myself." "Oh, fuck him!" "He never picks me!" "Honey, I did fuck him, and he never picks me either!" " You were in Traffiic Jam?" " Yes, sir." " Who was the director of Traffiic Jam?" " You were, Mr Gideon." " Oh." "How was I?" " Terrific." " And who was the choreographer?" " You were, Mr Gideon." " How was I?" " Fantastic." "That's how you get a job." "God, I hope he doesn't pick her." "She's uglier than a witch's tit." "The expression is "colder than a witch's tit"." "You've never seen a woman's tit in your life." " Shh." "Be quiet, you two." "OK, thank you all very much." "It was a terrific audition." "Just stay in line." "Now that's what I call a real drinker's nose." "And you should know, because you're a real drinker, aren't you, Joe?" " Yeah." " Also heavy into speed, aren't you?" " Yeah." " Also sleep with a great many women." " Real turn-off, huh?" " Just the opposite." "I'll make up my mind about the men later." "I know which girls I want." "Candy, Casey, Rima, Jennifer and Victoria Porter." " The one in the shocking-pink leotard?" " See if any are willing to be swing dancers." " She's tone-deaf." " With those legs, who cares?" "Oh, Joey, I know you're in a hurry, but I want to check your schedule." " Same as always." " Joey?" "Joey, can we talk a minute, please?" " Joey..." " What is it?" " You left me without a soprano again!" " Paul, please, will you let me handle it?" " What about Diane?" " What about Diane?" "I've had her in three shows." "She's wonderful." "At least she can sing." "You left me without a soprano." "I gotta have a soprano!" "Gentlemen, Mr Gideon..." "The tall dancer with the blue eye shadow - believe me, he'll hit the high notes." "The five Murray is talking to, those are the girls I want." "OK with you?" "The tall girl, Victoria" " I like her, Daddy." "Hm, she's all right." "I really screwed up that marriage." "Because I cheated." "Oh, man, I cheated every chance I could get." "OK with you, Audrey?" "Sure." "Fine with me." "What about this weekend with Michelle?" "Oh, Jesus..." "I forgot." "I gotta work this weekend." "Oh, Joe!" "You promised her." "I know I promised, but what am I gonna do?" "That's OK." " I'm sorry, Michelle." " It's OK." "Lfyou want me, I'll be in the cutting room." "He promised me." " Some fucking father." " Family?" " Screwed up." " Work?" "All there is." "Ifl were God, man..." "Andsometimes I thinklam..." "Depends on the shityou're smoking..." "OK." "Ifl were God, man, everybody wouldlive for ever." "No death, man." "No pennies on the eyes foranybody." "Well, a couple ofpeople, like myagent, who bookedme into this toilet..." "Why is he mumbling like that?" "I'll tell you why." "Cos I'm the dummy who let him mumble like that." " Try it." "...death and the clap." "So far, I've managed to avoid one ofthem." "You know, man, death is reallya hip thing now." "But we all have very different feelings about it." "For instance, to a Catholic, death is a promotion." "Excuse me, Stacy." "Women?" "Hope?" "All this bullshit about "death with dignity"." "You know what death with dignity is?" "You don't drool." "Change-of-pace time." "Request." "Here we go, Vic O'Dante." "Hey!" "Beauty?" " Oh, you're a flirt." " Mm-hm." "I love it, I love it, I love it!" "Books, magazine articles, TVshows, Ken and Barbie dolls who have a mutualsuicide pact..." "Oh, man, how many times do we have to look at the same thing?" "Until he gets it the way he wants it." "There's a lady in Chicago, man, wrote a book" " DrKübler-Ross, with a dash." "This chick, man, without the benefit ofdying herself, has broken the process ofdeath into five stages." "Anger, denial, bargaining, depression and acceptance." "Sounds like a Jewish lawfirm." ""Goodmorning." "Anger, Denial, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance."" "Anger." "Jesus Christ!" "Goddamn son-of-a-bitch, pig-suckin'bastards!" "Oh, pooh!" "Bargaining." "What didlsay?" "Anger, denial, bargaining, depression, acceptance." "All right, ifyou happen to get to denial... denial..." ""No, that's notme, man." "No." "Oh-ho..." "Somebody else, maybe, butnotme."" ""Oh, no." "You got the wrong..." "Howaboutmymother, man?"" ""She's old, I'm weaned, I'm toilet-trained." "Bye, Ma." "You've been terrifiic." "Ilove ya."" " Butnotme!" " Mother?" "Kinda chubby." "And jolly." "And sexy." "Bargaining." "Rememberher?" ""Can we sit down and talk about this like businessmen?"" ""A negotiation, OK?" "No more hard drugs." "A little grass, maybe, but that's it."" ""OK, all right, look, man, lpromise I won'tflash on subways anymore, OK?"" "Cat drives a hardbargain." "Depression..." " Hi, Katie." " "I'm dying!"" ""Oh, God, am I dying?" "!"" "Wanna have dinner together before I go to the theatre?" " I can't." " "The doctor's not dying."" " Should I come over to your apartment later?" " Yeah, sure." " Father?" " Liar, womaniser." "You woulda liked him." "Wait a minute." "I don't know." "We may be working very late tonight." " That's OK." " Yeah." "We'll talk later." ""At those prices, man, who can afford to live?"" "So... acceptance." " "Laccept!"" " Hold it." " Hold it." " Finished, or you wanna run it again?" "No, I do not want to run it again, thank you very much." "We are finished." " Anybody have any ideas?" " Oh, I like it, Joe." "I think it's really funny." "Who asked you, Stacy?" "It's too long..." "I don't know." "Maybe we can get away with it." "Do you suppose Stanley Kubrick gets depressed?" " Do you wanna work tonight, Joe?" " No, lgotta work on the show." "You have really got something... special." "All right..." "All right!" "I want so to be a movie star." "Oh?" "Ever since I was a little kid," "I wanted to see my face on the screen... 40 feet wide." "Oh, yeah?" ""I have always depended on the kindness of strangers."" "You're looking at my nose, aren't you?" "It's crooked." "It goes to the left." "See?" "I mean, like, I could always have that fixed." "Like that." "Do you think I could be?" "You know." "A movie star." "In the movies." "Well, that's..." "I don't know anybody that could answer that question." "It's... it's a very freaky business, you know?" "Yeah, I know all about that, but, like, I wanna know what youthink." "Do youthink I could be a movie star?" "No." "Even with a nose job?" "Well, that's fair." "Like you said, it is a freaky business, though." "You know, you could be wrong, right?" "Right." "I don't dance so hot either, do I?" "You will." "I promise you." "You wanna go to bed?" "Yeah." "I'm sorry." "Oh, am I sorry." " Katie!" " I should've called first." "Oh, shit." " Did I, like, screw anything up?" " No." "Iscrewed it up." "Oh, I meant to call her." "Oh, boy, you are really something." "I'm Joey's mother." "Ever since he was so high, he's had such a crush on you!" "I've always been fond ofJoe, too." "Of all the children, he was the least worry." "He worked in all those cheap burlesque clubs." "Always around stark-naked girls!" "But did it bother him?" "No." "He never paid any attention." "Never even looked at them." "Amatis, you love." "Amant, they love." "Amo, amas, amat, amamus, amatis, amant." "Hey, kid, what kind of language is that?" "Oh, it's not a language." "It's just some jokes I'm working on." "Some crazyjokes." ""Pu..." "Pu..."" "Puella." "Girl." ""First Year Latin"?" "It's my kid brother's." " How old are you?" " 19." "Uh-huh." "What year were you born?" "Uh, 1930..." " Try 1934." " Right. 1934." "1935?" "1935, yeah." "Now try 1492." "See you around, kid." "Maybe we could have a drink together sometime?" "Oh, sure." "You notice we have small waitresses here." "You know why?" "Make the drinks look bigger." "That's my favourite one." "The one with the big tips." "I got problems, too." "I went to see my psychiatrist." "I told him I have suicidal tendencies." "He says "From now on, you pay in advance."" "Look, I don't have to do this for a living." "I have four chinchillas at home in heat." "No, I make a lot of money." "I just have trouble passing it." "I just have trouble passing it." "Is this on?" "First-year Latin!" "It's three o'clock in the morning." "Isn't it past your bedtime?" "I don't look for big laughs." "I'll settle for intelligent nods." "Anything." "Wink." "You better stop lying, or your nose will grow!" "Ooh!" "Something's growing!" "The drummer's not really with the band, but he has the car." "Married 14 years." "14 years, no children!" "Strict mother-in-law." "Let's continue on." "Right now, ladies and gentlemen, here he is, Tops'n'Taps," " may we present Mr Joe Gideon!" " You're on!" "Joey's never done anything to disappoint me." "It's showtime, folks." " You believe in love?" " I believe in saying "I love you."" "Helps you concentrate." "Joe, they've askedme to go on tour with the show." "How long?" "Six months." "What do you think?" " And you say it all the time." " I say it a lot." "A lot." " When?" " When it works." "You know, I love you, Katie, but I think you have to do what's best for you." " Just what do you mean, Joe?" " Sometimes it doesn't work." "I mean, for your sake, I think you should go." "Hello, Michael?" "It's Katie." "So, um, did you mean it about dinner?" "Wally's at eleven?" "You're surprised?" "I'm a little surprised." "Thank you." "OK, Michael." "Bye-bye." "I'm a little surprised too." "Isn't that nice?" "Now we're all a little surprised." " Who was that?" " Michael Graham." " Who is Michael Graham?" " The dancer in my ballet class." "Straight or gay?" "What do you mean?" "I mean is he looking to get laid, or is he looking for Mr Right?" "He's straight." "And tall." "Michael Graham is a very tall name." "Oh, goddammit!" "How dare you use my phone, my telephone, to call somebody who's not gay?" "I see." "You can go out with any girl, any girl in town..." "That's right." "I go out with any girl in town." "I stay in with you." "Joe, it's not fair..." "I'm spilling the coffee..." "It's all wrong." "Everything is all wrong." "That's some set of rules you had for her." "Yeah, I know." "I know." "But as long as you could get away with it, right?" "Right." "I don't wanna go out with Michael Graham." "I don't want a date." "I have no small talk left." "I don't wanna fool around, I don't wanna play games and I don't wanna fight." "I just want to love you." "Katie..." "I try to give you everything I can give." "Oh, you give, all right." "Presents, clothes..." "I just wish you weren't so generous with your cock." "That's good." "Maybe I can use that some time." "Katie!" "About the goddamn tour..." "I don't think you should go." "Wrong reading." "Softly and with feeling." "Don't go." "Please?" " Why do you suppose she put up with it?" " I can think of many reasons" " for wanting to be with you." " Now don't bullshit a bullshitter." "It's perfect." "Didn't I tell you?" "Oh, it's very, very good!" "I think we might even get a commercial tie-in with the airlines." " You think so?" "Great." " Audrey?" "Well, ask..." "Yeah, it's OK." "Let me see what I can do with it." "I think it's just what the show needs." "It's catchy, it's bouncy." "Right, Ted?" " Oh, yeah, very bouncy and catchy." " Can we hear it again?" " I'd love to hear it again." " Oh!" "Arnie..." "Turn." "Some fuckin' music." " Turn back." " Arch your back." "Extend the right leg." "Ease your partner down gently." "Slide." "Slide." "Slide!" "Have you everslept with another woman?" "I once tried living with two girls." "Two girls at once." " We lived together." " Laughed together." " Drank together." " Smoked together." "Slept together." "Woke up one morning..." "one ofthem was gone." "On the bureau, she left a note." "I'm sorry." "I cannot share you any more." "I want you all to myself, or not at all." "Please, please try to understand." "I not only understood, I was flattered." "I was flattered that she felt so strongly about me." "How did you know the note was to you?" "No." "No, that's notme, man." "No." "Somebody else, maybe, butnotme." " What is this, Eddie?" " Not me." "Talk to him." "Joey, I gotta talk to you about these time sheets." "Three weeks now we've been on triple time." "The brass is eating my ass out!" "You shot 82 days on a 65-day schedule." "On a four-month editing schedule, you've gone seven months." "We're already 2.2 million over the original budget." "Joey, God made the entire world in six days." "He didn't go on overtime once." "You can't even cut an hour-and-a-half movie in seven months, on triple time?" "Joey, I hate to do this." "I'm usually a very calm man, but this whole thing has got me terribly crazy." "I must put my foot down." "Joey, the whole thing has gotta stop." "It has to stop." "It's got to stop!" "Itjust simply must stop!" "Josh, I made changes in the monologue." "I think you'll like it." "I have to go to rehearsal." "At those prices, who can afford to live?" " Nice talking to you, Josh." " So laccept!" "Oh, my God." "It is better." " God help us all." " Waita minute." "Real deadbody." "It's better." "OK, that looks pretty good." "I like it." "Let's go." "Everybody down, in a straight line." "Move down, move down." "Move down, Victoria." " And sing it out." "Here we go." " Five, six, seven..." "Two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight..." "And I don't like it." "Uh, double that." " Which button?" " The white one, down." "Ah, that stinks." "Let's play something else." "Do me a favour." "Take offyour shoes." " What's that?" " It's a mint." " Can I have one?" " No, come on, you wouldn't like it." "Let me try this." "Here, you stand over there, then jump up on my shoulder." "Oh, God, you're getting heavy." "All right, put your leg in an arabesque." "There we are." " How are things at home?" " They're pretty good." "All right, watch your back now." " Anything you wanna tell me?" " I promised Mom I wouldn't bring it up." "But you're gonna bring it up anyway." "Sit down." "You can tell me anything." "You know that." "Gimme your wrists." "Ready?" "And jump." " It's just that I keep wondering, Dad..." " Bend your knees." "What is it you keep wondering?" "Why don't you get married again?" "Do a head roll." "I don't get married again because I can't find anyone I dislike enough to inflict that kind oftorture on." "Hey, why don't you marry Katie?" "She's terrific." "Keep rolling your head." "Straighten your leg." "Yeah, you're right." "She's terrific." "That's exactly why I don't wanna marry her." "Run offto the corner." "Jump and I'll catch you." "And Victoria?" "You're not too crazy about her." "Just run and jump." "Never mind that." "Come on." " What about the blonde?" " What blonde?" "The one in Philadelphia with the TV show?" "You know, the one Mom keeps talking about." "Oh, yeah, that blonde." "Jump up and wrap your legs around me." "Wrap around, that's it." "Why is it so important to you that..." "Follow my hand." "Why is it so important to you that I get married again?" "Cos then you'd stop screwing around." "Hey!" "Watch your language." " Oh, shit!" "Look at the time." " Oh, Daddy, can't we stay longer?" " No, your mother will kill me." " Oh, it's so much fun." "No, no, absolutely." "Come on." "Stop flocking your legs." "Come on." " Oh, please?" " No, no, no, no." "Besides, ifyou got married again, maybe you'd have a baby and I'd have a brother." "I'll call Hertz and rent you a brother." " Oh, very funny." " Oh, everybody's a critic." "Showtime, folks." "Showtime." "Five, six, seven, eight." "Stop smiling." "Lay back." "Lay back." "Hold it, hold it, hold it." "Candy, Casey, very good." "You're gonna do it again, Victoria." "Gary, Danny, let's go." "Stop smiling." "It's not the high-school play." "Count." "Five, six, seven, eight." "Hold it." "Stand on your right foot." "Point your left toe." "Drop that shoulder." "Now, that's not too hard, is it?" "Again." "Five, six, seven, eight." "Lay back, Victoria." "Lay back." "Lay back!" "Hold it, hold it." " Sorry." " No, you're right." "I'm terrible." "I know I'm terrible." "I look in the mirror and I'm embarrassed." "Maybe I should quit." "I..." "I just can't seem to do anything right." "Listen, I can't make you a great dancer." "I don't even know if I can make you a good dancer." "But ifyou keep tryin' and don't quit," "I know I can make you a betterdancer." "And I'd like very much to do that." "Stay?" "Are you gonna keep yelling at me?" "Probably." "Five, six, seven, eight." "One and two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight." "One, two." "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight." "One, two." "Better." "Breathe deep." "Again." "Hold it." "All right, you can turn around now." "Breathe deep." "Again." "All right, you can put your shirt on now." "Well, Doctor?" "Does he pass?" "Good." "Now I'm worth a million dollars." "That's only ifyou die before February 1st." "Schedules, Goldie, always schedules." "Can we take you to lunch, Doctor?" "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight." "Nah, that's no good either." "Let's try this." " Measure 412." " I do the same as before?" "Yeah, same thing, only I'll be behind you." "Two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight." "All right, let's everybody try it." "Grab a partner." "Come on." "OK, here we go." "Ready?" "Five, six, seven, eight." "Five, six, seven..." " Do it again." " Once more, everybody." "Ready?" "Five, six, seven..." "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight." "OK." " OK, here we go." "Once more, everybody." " I gotta get outta here." "I'll be back later." " How does this look, Paul?" " I love it, love it." "No." "It's too cute." "Ah!" "Oh, shit." "I can't go back to that room." "I can't face those dancers." "I'm stuck." "They keep staring at me, and nothing's coming out." " Oh, boy, the number's lousy." " My song, lousy?" "No, not the song." "Me, me, the way I'm staging it." " Maybe we should cut it." " Cut it?" "I think I'll leave." "Paul, sit right there." "Go back to bar 17." "And..." "Did you hear what I said?" "Nothing is coming." "Don't worry, Paul, he always says the same thing about every number, in every show." "Now how the hell do you know what I always say?" " It would be better if I stepped outside." " Keep playing, Paul." "I'm only doing this goddamn show because you wanna play that stupid 24-year-old girl." "Oh, I knew sooner or later you'd say that." "You do think I'm too old for the part." "Well, you're wrong." "I can play 24 years old, and I'll damn well prove it." "You wanna quit the show?" "Quit the show." "You don't have to do anything for me." "Just don't kid yourselfthat you're doing this show for any reason except guilt about me." "Guilt?" "What guilt?" "For never going one day when you were faithful to me?" "Oh, that guilt." "Faithful, faithful..." "You're always talking about being faithful." "Audrey, why do you think so small?" "Besides, how do I know you were faithful to me?" " You know I was." " That's right, I know you were." " Oh, you meant to do that." " Yes, I did." "You kept me working all the time." "I never had a chance to cheat." "What is this big hang-up about fidelity?" "What makes being faithful the greatest friggin' virtue in the world?" "Excuse me." "Well, it is a great deal better than the meaningless affairs you keep tap-dancing through." "Those Stacys, those Victorias..." "You're not even fooling Michelle with Victoria, you know." " Straighten that leg." " It is as straight as it's ever going to get." "Oh, the Bonnies, the Wendys, the Debbies, the Donnas..." "I can't even remember all their names." "Give me a hand." "Keep playing, Paul." "Bet you can't either." "Quick, tell me, what was the name ofthe girl in Philadelphia?" "The blonde with the television show?" "Oh, the blonde with the television show in Philadelphia?" "I remember that girl's name." "Because that girl meant something to me." "The blonde with the television show, her name was Sweetheart." " Honey?" " No." "Baby?" "I can't remember her name." "Dorothy." " Dorothy." " Who cares?" "I can't remember her name." "The number's lookin' good." "Keep working." " Is he gonna cut the number?" " No, I don't think so, Paul." "He's gonna cut it." "He's gonna cut it." "Oh, God, that man." "He's gonna drive me crazy." "It's showtime, folks." "It's... it's not quite ready yet." "And, Paul, it's not exactly the way we talked about it." " Hm?" " It's a little different." " Mind doing that somewhere else?" " Sorry." "Lfyou wanna come in, I'll show it to you in about five minutes." "I wanna get a drink of water." "Thanks, thanks a lot, but it's not exactly over yet." "Murray?" "Smoke, smoke." "Smoke..." "Smoke..." "The lights go down and a light comes up over there." "Welcome." "Welcome aboard Air Rotica." "Flying not only coast to coast but anywhere your desires and fantasies wish to take you." "Let us all get to know one another." " Remember, we can take you anywhere." " They're taking their clothes off." "Mm-hm." "Just reach out your hand and introduce yourselves." " My name is Sam." " My name is Otto." " My name is Jennifer." " My name is Rima." " Gary." " John." "Uh-oh." "I think we just lost the family audience." " My name is Candace." " My name is Jennifer." " My name is Rima." " My name is Danny." " My name is Autumn." " My name's Sandahl." " My name is John." " My name is Gary." "And don't forget about our group fun, fun, fun plan." "Now Sinatra will never record it." "Then an actor comes out from the side ofthe stage and says..." " "Not once, during any of our flights..."" " Goodbye." " See you around." " Hope to see you again real soon." ""...of any real human communication."" " Well, uh..." " Goodbye." ""Our motto is:" "We take you everywhere, but get you nowhere."" "Boy, I hate to hurt his feelings, but we can't have that on a stage." "Take five." "Well?" "Yeah, it's, um... it's, uh... interesting." "Yes, very interesting." "Did you like it?" " It's unusual." " Mm-hm, very unusual." "Oh, I don't think they liked it." "What do you think?" "I don't know about the audiences, but I think it's the best work you've ever done." "You son of a bitch." "Jesus Christ!" "Sex, sex, sex - can't he ever think of anything else but sex?" "That's his sickness." "Nah, nothin' I ever do is good enough." "It's not beautiful enough, it's not funny enough, it's not deep enough..." "It's not anything enough." "Now, when I see a rose, that's perfect." "I mean, that's perfect." "I wanna look up to God and say "How the hell did you do that?"" " "And why the hell can't I do that?"" " That's probably one ofyour better con lines." "Yeah, it is." "But that doesn't mean I don't mean it." "Ifl were God..." "Sometimes I thinklam..." "Depends on the shityou're smoking..." "Ifl were God, man, everybody wouldlive for ever." "No death, man." "No pennies on the eyes foranybody." "You know, man, death is reallya hip thing now." "Death is in." "Books, magazine articles, TVshows, Ken andBarbie dolls with a mutualsuicide pact..." "Buried them in a little shoebox." "Knewa guy who boughta pair ofthem." "He was into dollnecrophilia." "Lfit cuts..." " All right, little thing." "Oooh!" " It's terrific." "There's a lady in Chicago, man, wrote a book." "DrKübler-Ross, with a dash." "This chick, man, without the benefit ofdying herself, has broken the process ofdeath into five stages." "Anger, denial, bargaining, depression andacceptance." " That's it." " Sounds like a Jewish lawfirm." " Got time to make some changes?" " Not and make the screening tonight, no." " I cannot believe people are gonna see this." " Neither can I." " It's a bomb." " Really?" "Yeah, really." "You'll have to make a speech." "Tell 'em it's a rough cut, we're not finished..." " Tell 'em any excuse you can think of." " Why don't you tell 'em?" " I'm not gonna be there." " You're not coming?" "Where you gonna be?" "Hiding someplace, probably vomiting, or drinking, or both." "We'll start recutting Monday morning." "They bought that love story?" "Oh, I'm sorry." "I wasn't answering the phone." "I thinkthey told me they liked it." "Just wasn't answering the phone..." "Come on, don't bullshit a bullshitter." "No, I don't believe you either." "I'll have her home by 10.30, don't worry." "Bye." "Oh, shit." "Hello." "Stacy?" "Oh, listen, I'm sorry." "I'm in a meeting." "Just don't panic on the staircase." "At least three people said how much they liked the screening." "One was my producer, one was my lawyer and one was Michelle's mother." "Oh, Joe, everybody loved it." "We tried to tell you that last night." "You wouldn't listen." "You know, that was the first R-rated movie I ever saw, and I loved it." " Did you understand it?" " Well, I understood everything except the part where the two girls were in bed together and they were kissing." "What was that supposed to mean?" " Is dinner ready yet?" " No." " What was that supposed to mean?" " Well, Michelle, uh, there are certain women who..." " Who...?" " Thanks a lot." "There are certain women who just don't relate to men, so they..." "I think lesbian scenes are a big turn-off." "I shoulda cut it." " What's goin' on here?" " Never mind." "You'll find out." " Couldn't I be doin' somethin'?" " Just turn offthe lights when we tell you." " Turn on the phonograph when we tell you." " Yes, ma'am." "Oh, no, don't..." " Where'd you get those hats?" " Not tellin' ya." "That's for us to know and for you to find out." " Oh, the lights, lights, lights." " Joe, could you turn offthe lights, please?" "Now turn on those whachamacallit lights." "Yes, ma'am." "Crash!" "Ladies and gentlemen, in honour of El Stinko, El Blotto's screening ofJoe Gideon's new film, The Stand-up, we are proud to present those two dancing sensations Jagger and Gideon!" " Gideon and Jagger." " Gideon and Jagger." "Give us our music, Joe." "In an under-rehearsed tribute." " Sit down, Joe, sit down." " Sit down, Daddy." "And... go!" " I'm nervous." " I'm nervous too." "Let's go, let's go." "Scoop, scoop..." "Strut." "Look familiar, Joe?" "Go get him!" "Pretty pictures." "Watch your feet." "Can we do it again?" " I don't wanna." "It's showtime, folks." "And these two columns revolve New York to LA." "And over here on the other side, the same thing." "There's two staircases down here and two more that come back into the orchestra." "Oh, yeah, and this centrepiece moves out for the interior scenes, and up there, that's Stan." "You'll get familiar with it when we start." "OK, now, all I wanna do now is to read easily through the script, and, frankly, I'm not too familiar with it myself." "So ifwe go through it, then you'll give Paul and me some rough idea ofwhat we've got." "OK, no acting." "Everyone just take it easy." "Easy." "All right, lights up." "Audrey, you have your first number, and then you begin reading on page two." "You see, Sammy, in California, everybody needs a car." "I got a friend who bought a Mercedes just to get to the bathroom." "I guess only in America can a 24-year-old girl like me own a house like this in Beverly Hills." "Thank you all very much." "You've done a wonderful job." "Take an hour and a halffor lunch." "Don't forget to sign the Boston hotel list." "Excuse me." "There's no use to panic till we find out what it really is." "Do stop that." "DrBallingeris looking athim now." "Ballingeris the best there is, Audrey." " Dr Hyman, we just left him." "He seemed fine." " Just fine." "Well, he called." "He said he had chest pains, his left arm was numb..." "I'm a little bewilderedmyself." "I checkedhim abouta month ago." "All right, who's in charge ofthis all-important show that Mr Gideon keeps talking about?" "I guess I am." "Mr Gideon is having attacks of angina that could lead to a massive coronary." "Oh, shit!" "I gotta get to rehearsals." "I'm fine." "What do doctors know?" "About angina, a little more than show people." "Lfyou wanna leave, fine, but I think you'll die." "Can I see you?" "Dr Hyman." "The pain is gone." "Nothing wrong with me a rewrite wouldn't cure." " Couple of good jokes is what I need." " You can't leave now." " Yes, I can." " Damn it, Joe!" "Didn't you hear what the doctorjust said?" "Please, stay." " Joey, I've been talking to Dr Ballinger..." " Jonesy, wait a minute." "Let me talk to the star here." "If I stay, how much time are we talking about?" "At least two or three weeks." "You've got to be kidding!" "I got a show to put on." "Jonesy, for Chrissakes, will you talk to these people?" "They don't understand anything." " Oh, Jesus..." " What's wrong?" " Miss Collins." "All right, easy." " Damn it." "You guys are doin' this to me." "I wasn't sick until I got here." " What's wrong with him?" " It's exhaustion." "You're lying to me." "Yes." "Uh, no." "No, I'm nota member ofhis immediate family." "I'm, uh..." "I'm his girlfriend." "Well, can I leave a message for him, please?" "Could you tell him that K...?" "Hello?" "It wasjustsimply exhaustion." "Hejust tried to do too much." "Anyway, we've made a decision to postpone the show for four months." " The doctors assure us Joe will be fine." " There goes my new apartment." "Therefore the show will definitely be done." "I promise." "Now, we're aware ofthe financial burdens..." "I gave up a TV series." "What a dummy." "We're prepared to try to get you temporaryjobs, or even lend you money." "Jonesy, Jonesy, easy on the money, easy on the money." "All right, Larry, all right, OK." "We don't have a lot of cash available, but... what I'd like to say to you is," "I... we... think ofyou all as family." " Bullshit." " And we want to do everything we possibly can to keep you all together." "I was with him lastnight." "Alreadyhe's much better." "Ljustlefthim an hourago." "He was in a greatmood." "Makingjokes, makingpasses atall the nurses." "And he told me to tell all ofyou, he has a terrific idea for a new hospital number." "Hold it, Audrey, hold it." "Hospital number, hospital number!" "Just give me a minute." "Stanley, give me some room." " How does the title "Hospital Hop" grab you?" " It grabs me." "Great, great." " I think I got it." "I got it!" " I think he's got it." "He's got it." "Stan, help me out, please." "Clap your hands." "Cheer up." "Let's go!" "Everybody." "And, Lucas, they are without question an absolutely marvellous cast." "Now we gotta wait around for four months." "Maybe even lose them." "I can see where it'd be difficult to hold a cast like that together." "It's really a shame." "And, of course, even after four months, a heart attack..." "There's no guarantee that he'll be able to work." "None." "Jules, it's still too bright." " Take number seven down five." " And he's the greatest." "And, Lucas, I think we have a sure hit." "A sure hit." "Reads like a dream." " I'd love to read it sometime." " I'll get a copy to you this afternoon." "Oh, I forgot." "Wait a minute." "I've got one right here with me." "Dimmer five up to three." "Hold that, hold that." "That's good." "Of course, I know you couldn't care less about the money." "What do you think about this, Lucas?" "Is it any better?" "No." "No, no." "It needs to be more... shadowy." "We talked about this, Jules." "It's a seduction scene." "All right, take the shadow lights to half." "How much... is Joe getting?" "5% ofthe gross until payoff, then he goes to 6%." "20% of all subsidiary rights, including a movie sale." "Well, of course my schedule's impossible, but..." "You know how I feel about you, Jonesy." " You've been like a father to me." " And you a son to me." "I always look for the worst in people." " A piece ofyou in them?" " Yeah, a piece of me." "And, generally, I find it." "Well, it may take you years, but you'll find it." "Oh, you're cute." "You are cute." "It's looking better." "I think we'll move you upstairs to a private room for a while." "Oh, yeah." "But you'd better rest." "Lfyou don't, you're in for a lot oftrouble." "Oh, I will, doctor." "I promise." "I will." "Mr Gideon." "Mr Gideon, what are you doing?" "Oh, this?" "I was just getting rid of it." "I caught someone smoking, and I told him a man in my condition shouldn't even be around smoke." "I'm telling ya, Gideon, I got real insight into you." "There's a deep-rooted fear of being conventional." "Right." "Your blood pressure is higher than we hoped." "Your cardiograms haven't improved one bit." "Now, ifyou don't give a damn, it's hard to expect us to." "Mr Gideon!" "I'll leave these menus with you." "Please check offwhat you want for the coming weeks, OK?" "Monday, I'll have roast beef, Tuesday, chicken, Wednesday, steak," "Thursday, I plan to be dead, so..." "I'll just have something light." "Mr Gideon!" "She wrote a little note on the back." "She said you'd understand." ""Dear loving, giving, generous" - underlined four times - "Dad," "I hear nurses are nice people, hint, hint." "Your poor, brotherless daughter."" "Joe, what does it mean?" "It means she's inherited her mother's determination, that's what it means." "Oh, no..." "Thankyou, thankyou." "No, no..." "You're wonderful, wonderful." "The wordsuperstaris greatly overusedin this business." "Butformynextguest, the word superstaris totally inadequate." "Wheneverl do a benefit- andl've done 150, 60, 70, this year, all for very worthy causes" " I can always count on this dude to be right there with me." "Lfeelhumbledin his presence." "From deep, deep in here, ladies andgentlemen, letme lay on you..." " A great entertainer." " A great entertainer," " A great humanitarian." " A greathumanitarian," " And my dear friend for 25 years." " Andmy dearest, dearestfriendfor20 years." " You missed by five years." " Oh, boy, do I hate show business." " Joey, you love show business." " That's right, I love show business." "I'll go either way." "I got insight into you, Gideon." "You know what's underneath?" "The dreadful fear that you're ordinary, not special." "Right." "Oh, I think..." "I think..." " I'm getting an erection." " Oh, Mr Gideon, don't do that." "That sex thing, Jesus." "Listen, I wouldn't say you were a faggot, but you do have a lot offeminine characteristics, right?" "Right." "You are foolishly and childishly flirting with disaster." "Joey, you're really crazy!" "What do you wanna do, kill yourself?" "Dr Ballinger told me to get a little exercise." "Everything he does seems to be a denial of his condition." "Dr Ballinger, every time I've seen him," "I get the impression that he doesn't care whether he lives or dies." "Yes, I know." "But I think he cares a lot." "OK, we'll limit his visitors to no more than two." "Joe, I wish you couldhave been there." "9.30 this morning, before a single review was out, the line at Cinema One was around the block." "The people know." "The people know." "This broke every first-day record." "It's a blockbuster." "I mean a blockbuster." "And those guys in California..." "You wouldn't believe the telephone calls." ""Congratulations", they say. "We're glad you took your time." "It was worth it."" "They said "Every dollar that we put in that film is up there on the screen."" "I'm telling you, they're talking about a $3.5 million advertising budget." "3.5 million dollars!" "I'm sorry." "Excuse me." "Do you believe that?" "3.5 million dollars." "This picture is gonna go right through the roof." "Right through... the roof." "Look at those reviews." "See it?" "We did it." "Joe, we did it." "Where are the bad ones?" "There are no bad ones." "Josh..." "Well, there were a couple that quibbled a little." "I left them at the office." "Josh, I want you to do me a favour - don't show them to me." "Never." "How were the television reviews?" "I think we got Leslie Perry." "At the screening, she told me she loved it." "Following Gideon's triumphant directorial achievement with "50 Beautiful Girls, 50", when he won everypossible award, it wouldbe nice to report that Mr Gideon's latest effort, "The Stand-up", starring Davis Newman, was a betterfilm." "Oh, boy, here it comes." "Joey, turn it off, please." "...falls into his characteristic weakness oftrying too hard to please, to entertain." " Josh, no." "I wanna hear it." " The razzle-dazzle sometimes obliterates..." " What does she know?" " She never gives a good review." "That woman is totally unqualified to criticise anything." " She doesn't know a damn thing about film." " Or anything." "She's not even reviewing a film." "She's telling you how clever she is." "...where the has-been comic, playedimpeccablybyDavis Newman, demonstrates his former brilliance in a monologue where clearly director Gideon gave MrNewman free rein." "Rising above rather commonplace material, the actor creates a classic comic..." "I guarantee this picture will do 30 million domestic, at least." " One ofyou better get somebody." " What?" "I think I'm in trouble." "...chopping offthe ends ofscenes before the drama is played out, left this reviewer with bewilderment anda four-aspirin headache." "Using myfour-balloon rating system, lgive "The Stand-up" halfa balloon." " How are you feeling?" " The truth?" "I'm scared." "Roll 'em." "Action." "Oh, my God..." "Ladies and gentlemen, the doctors." "I'm Dr Hyman, the internist." "I'm Dr Garry, the surgeon." " I'm Dr Ballinger, the cardiologist." " Five, six, seven, eight..." "The heart is the viscus that maintains the circulation ofthe blood." "That means he had total blockage in... two arteries." "This is the man who wouldbe myfirst choice as a modern-daysaint." "When I was in those marches, like Selma, this brother was shufflin' rightalongside me, long before those cats who thought civil rights was a hip scene andjumped on the blackwagon." "The blackwagon!" "Oh, ladies andgentlemen, letme lay on ya..." " A great entertainer." " A great entertainer," " A great humanitarian." " A greathumanitarian," " And my dearest friend." " Andmy dearestfriend" " Blah-blah." " For 17years." " Ladies andgentlemen..." " See how much I learn from you?" " I'm afraid you've learned too much from me." " There you are, Mr Gideon." "This is one of my A1, first-rate, top-drawerjobs." "That's it." "Good luck tomorrow." "What did you mean, I learned too much?" "You're gonna make it." "I'm hardly ever wrong." "Thanks." "Remember last Tuesday night?" "It was raining... very hard." "Oh, yeah." "Yeah, it was raining." "What about it?" "I called you at midnight." "I must have been walking the dog." "I don't have time for this sort ofthing." "You were with someone." "Yes." "And you made love to him." "Yeah." "Well, that's it, huh?" "We're finished?" "I don't know." "How do you feel about me?" "I love you." "Then I guess we're not finished." "Because I really do love you, Katie." " You mean that?" " Ah, hell, no." "I was pissed off at her." "I don't know." "Yeah, I did mean it." "Sort of." "Sometimes I don't know where the bullshit ends and the truth begins." "Ljust wanted to saysomething nice to her." "Why?" "In case..." "In case..." "In case." "If I die, I'm sorry for all the bad things I did to ya." "And if I live, I'm sorry for all the bad things I'm gonna do to you." "...as stated in the declarations, sustained directly as the result of injury, sickness, death of, or permanent disability..." "Excuse me, Mr Clark." "Larry, give me ourfigures." "Well, on an estimated production budget of $941,000, with a contingency of 59,000 to round it out to the million, so far we're in for atleast two-thirds ofthe fees." "Design, 8,000, costumes, 8,000, electrics, 4,000." "We're in for the full director-choreographer, 15,000." "Casting is another four." "Construction of scenery, where more than half has been done, that's 125,000... plus." "Stage manager's about 8,000." "Press agent 1500, musicians about... two." "Assistants, secretaries, etc, 3,000." "Rehearsal halls and auditions... 9500." "Script and administrative, 1500." "Managers, I'd say... ten." "Advertising and printing, about 20,000." "Orchestrations, so far, around 10,000." "Legal, 10,000, auditing, 2,000, payroll taxes... maybe seven." "Well, seven." "Author's advances, 10,000, equity bonds, 50,000." "Rehearsal salaries, and we've made some advances to a few ofthe cast, about 43,000." "We're in for about... $480,500." "Yes." "That's the figure I had here." "And change." "Let me try to understand." "Ofthat figure, how much do we recoup?" "Yeah, I'm confused too." "Do we get all ofthat, or part of it, or what?" "Simply, here are the options." "One, if Mr Gideon recovers and you resume production within the 180 days, we are not liable for any part of it." "Two, if Mr Gideon should die and you resume production with another director within the 180 days, we are still not liable." "Three, however, if Mr Gideon should expire before February 1, andyou abandon production, we are liable for the full million dollars." "This means, gentlemen, you could make a profit of... $519,500." "You could be the first show on Broadway to make a profit without really opening." "Well... it's all very clear to me." "All this bullshitabout death with dignity." "You know what death with dignityis, man?" "You don't drool." "Change-of-pace time." "Request." "Here we go." "Vic O'Dante." "Hey!" "Oh, that's very theatrical, Joe." "Please don't try to talk." " You wanna shoot it now?" " Huh?" " I can't understand him." "I think he said "OK"." " Hospital hallucination, take one." "There's a lady in Chicago, man, wrote a book." "DrKübler-Ross, with a dash." "This chick, man, without the benefit ofdying herself, has broken the process ofdeath into five stages." "Anger, denial, bargaining, depression andacceptance." "Playback." "Cut!" "Wanna print it?" "Jesus, Joe, you're way behind schedule." "You gotta print it." "Next setup." "Katie, take two." "Listen, huh?" "Playback." "Can you hear me, Joe?" "I'm talkin' to ya." " Ya gotta lay offthe booze, Joe." " Axe the amphetamines." "You gotta stop screwing' around, Daddy." "Please." "Cut!" " Print it." " Old Friends, take three." "Playback." "Just look at you, Daddy." "All those broken vows." "And we cried a lot." " Oh, a lot." "Me too." "It's getting close, Joe." "Where were ya, Joe?" "Where were ya?" "You didn't listen, Daddy." "You didn't listen." "Cut!" "You blew it." "You forgot your line." "At the end you're supposed to say, uh..." "What's he supposed to say?" "He's supposed to say "I don't want to die." "I want to live."" "Well, ifyou can't say it, you can't say it." "We'll just have to cut it, that's all." "Cut it." "Take me up." "Next setup." "A lot." "Don't die, Daddy!" "Don't die, please!" "You can't leave this poor little kid without a father!" "She needs ya, Joe!" "She needs ya!" "Oh!" "Oh, no." "You don't have any lines here." "Real dead body." "Real dead body." "End sticks." "Please don't try to talk." "If you wanna tell me anything, just write it on this pad." "No, no." "Come on, notnow." "Please leave." "Please." " Are you sure?" " Yes, I'm sure." "Just go." "Am I alive?" "All right, Joe." "Yes, you are alive." "Now, this is gonna hurt a little..." "Hm." "That came out nice." "Miss Paris, would you like to see something nice?" "Oh, that is beautiful!" "That is an absolutely beautiful scar, Dr Garry." " Thank you." " Howsoon willhe be able to work?" "Well, he's out of intensive care, back in a private room." "The doctor says it's just a matter of rest." "Two months, at the outside." "Oh, you know Joey." "This morning he said he could hardly wait." "Said he had a lot of new ideas." "And not all that sex stuff, either." "Now, that's terrific." "You must feel really good about that, Jonesy." "Relieved." "We're all relieved." " Check, please." " I did some thinking about your script and I made a few notes." "Oh, my." "Use them, don't use them..." "You know, whatever you want." "I hate to bother you, but are you..." "Lucas Sergeant?" " Yes." " Would you mind?" "No, no." "Not at all." "I'm an actress and, next to Joe Gideon, you're my favourite director." "I'm so sorry your show was a flop." " Best of luck with your career." " Thank you so much." "Lucas, you put in an awful lot ofwork on this." "I'm moved." "For somebody to do something like this just... just out offriendship..." "It touches me." "Listen, what are friends for?" "We're all rooting for each other." "I'm just pleased that Joe is well again." " Hey, let me get this." " No, Lucas, this is on me." "I said I'll get this." " I can't believe it." " Joe, what's the matter?" " I'm having a heart attack." " No, that's impossible, Mr Gideon." "I just gave you your medication." "Goddamn it, he knows the symptoms." "Will you call somebody, please?" "He can't be in pain." "Well, let me take his pulse." " How can it be?" " Goddammit, get somebody." "But I just gave you your medication 20 minutes ago." "You can't possibly be in pain." "Atleastyou're getting use out ofthe equipment." "That's funny, Doctor." "I gotta tell you, it hurts like a son of a bitch." "Miss Briggs, two milligrams of morphine." " What's this?" " My name and address." "You can send my cheque there." "Feeling anypain now?" "Bitch!" "No." "But something is..." " something is breaking up in there." " Now that I like." "Somethin's gone wrong." "All wrong." "No..." "No..." "Oh, my God..." "Where's Mr Gideon?" "Anger, denial, bargaining, depression andacceptance." " Anger." " No." "No." "No!" "Jesus Christ!" "Goddamn son-of-a-bitch, pig-sucking bastards!" "Not now." "I don't know." "We were busy with an emergency and the next thing I notice, he was gone." "Denial." "Denial." ""No." "No, that's notme, man, no." "No." "It's somebody else, maybe, butnotme."" ""Oh, no." "You got the wrong..." "Howaboutmymother, man?"" ""She's old." "I'm weaned." "I'm toilet-trained."" ""I don'tneedheranymore." "Bye, Ma." "You've been terrifiic." "Ilove ya!" "Butnotme."" "Oh, Jesus, don't take me out now." "What's the matter?" "Don't you like musical comedy?" " Bargaining." " Finished, or do you wanna run itagain?" "Yes, I'd like to run it again." "I'd like to run the whole thing again." ""Look, man." "Come here, come here."" ""Can we sit down and talk about this like businessmen?"" ""A negotiation, OK?"" ""Look, I don't wanna haggle." "You'll findme a reasonable man, man."" ""The blonde, the one on East 63rd Street Isee on Tuesdaynights?"" ""Gone." "Finished." "I'llnever see heragain." "That's it."" ""Right, no more hard drugs." "A little grass, maybe, but that's it." "OK?"" ""All right, look, man, lpromise I won'tflash on subways anymore, OK?"" ""We gota deal, huh?" "Huh?" "Guy drives a hardbargain."" "What are you staring at?" "I told you guys before:" "Too much smoking, too much boozing, too much screwing around, it'll get you every time." "I'll be back." "Well, goddammit, find him." "I want him back in ICU, and right now!" " Damn fools." " Depression." "And here he is, ladies and germs, Tops'n'Taps," " Oh, my God!" " Tap-dancer extraordinaire." " If I were God..." " I'm dying!" " And sometimes I think I am..." " Oh, God, am I dying!" " Depends on how much morphine I've had..." " I'm dying." "Nobody's dying butme." " I would spare this terrific tap-dancer!" " The doctor's not dying." "He's alive in Florida, andl'm dying!" "No pennies on the eyes for me." "Please." "Right away, sir." "Bye." " Come on, we better try to find this guy." " "Oh, God!"" ""I'm dying!"" ""I'm paying $240 a dayfor the hospitalroom!"" ""At those prices, man, who can afford to live?"" "So... acceptance." "Oh, God..." "I think you're the most beautiful thing in the world." "I love you." "Just a cut on the head." "Oh, man, I won't have any trouble at all keeping' him here." "He just wants to sit around and sing old-time songs." "Oh, don't hurry, baby." "I'm havin' a pretty good time myself." " Now, Mr Gideon, where were we?" " How do you know my name?" "Just found out." "They're comin' to get you, you know?" "I knew they would." " Can I have another?" " Oh, help yourself." "Could you do it one more time?" "Just for me?" "Oh, yeah, I'd love to." "Five, six, seven, eight." "Here we go." "Juicy!" "You got it." " Five, six, seven, eight." "OK, mister, you come along with us." "Nice and quiet, now." "Don't cause no trouble." "Everything's going to be fine, all right?" " All right." "So long, Tiger." "Later, Gideon." "This is just a rough cut, you know?" "I don't have the titles in yet, and the underscoring's not in." "It's not really finished." "I need more time." "Thankyou." "Wonderful, wonderful." "Folks, what can I tellyou aboutmynextguest?" "This catallowedhimself to be adored, butnotloved." "Andhis success in showbusiness was matchedbyfailure in his personal-relationship bag." "Now that's where he reallybombed." "And he came to believe that work, show business, love, his whole life, even himself, and all thatjazz, was bullshit." "He became numero uno game player, to the point where he didn't know where the games ended and reality began." "Like, to this cat, the only reality..." "is death, man." "Ladies and gentlemen, let me lay on you a so-so entertainer, not much of a humanitarian, and this cat was never nobody's friend." "In his final appearance on the great stage of life - you can applaud ifyou wanna " "Mr Joe Gideon." "Two, three, four, five, six." "A one, a two, a three, four." "This must have cost a fortune!" "At least I won't have to lie to ya any more." "Oh, yeah!"