"I-yet!" "Tahh!" "He tried to turn me into sashimi!" "A rare Japanese porcelain plate has been stolen." " Why is he wearing that outfit?" " Tozan is a samurai warrior." " In your own way, you're a samurai too." " What are we samurai gonna do tonight?" "Do you know those Yakuza guys cut off their own finger if they screw up?" "Yeah, right!" "(bell tolling slowly)" "Je-cha-at!" "Chet!" "Aargh!" "Ahh!" "Cha!" "Chet!" "Ah-ah!" "Cha!" "Argh." "Ahh!" "(Coughs)" "Higgins!" "I'm gonna..." "Before you utter any epithets you may regret," "let me just say you have shown a flagrant disregard for your word." "Does honor have any meaning for you at all?" "Yes!" "But what's that have to do with you spraying that stuff in my face?" " Dog repellent." " Dog repellent?" "I was just giving you a taste of what you've been giving the lads." "No wonder they detest you so." "I thought you'd gotten rid of this substance." "You gave me your word." " I did?" " You did." " How do you know the stuff is mine?" " Because I found it on your mantel." "A-ha!" "You violated my privacy!" "I was retrieving Mr. Masters' wide-angIe lens which you borrowed three weeks ago and neglected to return." "That doesn't give you the right to remove my possessions." "I consider this contraband and therefore subject to confiscation." "As long as there are dogs threatening my Iife, liberty and the pursuit of happiness," "I will..." "No, I must, I must protect myself!" "It is my constitutional right!" "Very well." "I will inform Mr. Masters that you feel within your constitutional rights to use dog repellent on the lads." "Hey, hey, hey..." "No sense bothering Robin with a little household problem." "Sorry, Magnum, it isn't a little household problem to me, nor do I believe it will be to Mr. Masters." "(Sighs) OK." "OK, Higgins, what is it you want?" "A rare Japanese porcelain plate, a Kenzan original, was to have been delivered six hours ago by a special courier named Tozan." "He is registered at the KaIani hotel." "If you will find out what has happened, I will not inform Mr. Masters of the presence of dog repellent in your room." "You know something, Higgins, you make living here a real challenge." "Thank you." "Magnum, you must recover the Kenzan immediately." "Mr. Masters plans to give it to a honolulu museum for an unveiling three days hence." " Sounds expensive." "How much is it worth?" " A haIf-miIIion wouldn't touch it." " A haIf-miIIion dollars?" " Pounds." "It's the finest example of porcelain from the Edo Tokugawa period." "Kenzan was one of the finest artists the world has ever known." " A Japanese Picasso." " You think this Tarzan guy skipped with it?" "Tozan has impeccable credentials." "His ethics are beyond reproach." "Yeah?" "well, a guy can ignore a Iot of ethics for half a million." " How much is that American?" " approximately $867,500." "He skipped." "Magnum, for reasons which are well beyond your grasp, it wouId never, I repeat never, occur to Tozan to skip." " Why not, Higgins?" " Because Tozan is a samurai warrior." "Mm." "Mm-hm-hm-hm." "Samurai or not, it was obvious the courier had skipped with the plate." "I had as much chance of finding him at his hotel as the Chicago Cubs do of winning a pennant." "Nevertheless, working rule number 23 of my yet-to-be-written handbook on how to be a private investigator dictates that you must go through the motions." "You never know, you could get lucky." "Of course, so could the Cubs." "Yes, sir, Mr. Tozan is registered in 2127." " He is?" " Yes, sir." "He said he's expecting you." "Thank you." "Working rule number 35 stipulates.: always enter strange hotel rooms with caution, especially strange hotel rooms with samurai warriors in them." "Of course, the last samurai I saw was in a Toshirô Mifune movie." "I-yet!" " Ah!" " Tahh!" "You wouldn't wanna put that down for a minute?" "(Sighs)" "Ah!" " I believe you two have already met." " Met?" "He tried to turn me into sashimi!" " Don't move." " Don't worry." " Ah." " (Neck cracks)" " Does it feel better?" " Oh, yeah." "A little to the Ieft." "This guy almost killed me." "Now he's making like florence nightingale." "Why?" "No offense." " Perhaps an explanation is in order." " No "perhaps" about it, Higgins." "Ah!" "Ooh!" " A little to the right." " Tozan says the plate has been stolen." "Since he is a stranger in Hawaii, he needs our help to recover it." "But as the courier, naturally he is suspect, so, in order to prove his innocence, he placed you at his mercy and then spared your life." "Great." "CouIdn't he try a simple explanation?" "Words are like dried leaves that have not yet fallen." " What?" " Tozan's point is well taken." "If Tozan will permit me to paraphrase." "One deed is worth a thousand explanations." "Quite Zen." "Quite." "How was the plate stolen?" "As I told Higgins-san, I took the Kenzan to the temple for blessing." "There I was attacked by ninja and the plate was stolen." "Ninja?" "In Hawaii?" "In the 20th century?" " Most curious, no?" " Oh, yeah, sure!" "Why not?" "The whole thing is perfectly clear to me!" "You beat me up to get my confidence and then tell me about a bunch of guys in black robes who went out of style with Commodore Perry and Madam butterfly!" "Perhaps you hit him too hard." "(Phone rings)" "Yes?" "Yes, he's here." "Tozan." "Tozan called Mr. Fukuda, the man who sold the plate to Robin Masters." " That's him calling back from Japan." " Oh, sure, right!" " Oh, my God!" " Perhaps you'd better sit down again." "Why is he wearing that outfit?" " I've told you." " Oh, yes, I know, I forgot, he's a samurai." "(Higgins) An Ichinaga samurai." "They're worId-renowned." "I find it impossible to believe that one would break his code of honor." " You really believe him." " As a gentleman, I have no choice." "Our cultures differ, but we're of the same mold." "Tozan knows no other road but the truth." "(Speaks Japanese)" "Oh, my God." " What?" " I was afraid of that." "What?" "Afraid of what?" "Tozan's assured Mr. Fukuda he will recover the Kenzan before the museum opening." "That's a bit optimistic, don't you think?" "unless he already has it." "This should put your skepticism to rest." "As it's a matter of honor, if Tozan is unable to recover the plate before the opening, he will be obliged to commit Seppuku." "ritual suicide." "For a guy who was contemplating bumping himself off," "Tozan didn't look particularly worried." "OK, he's just being Zen." "What I couldn't understand is what's the sense of trying to stay in shape if you're planning on shedding some pounds the quick way?" "Magnum, I've just had the disagreeable task of informing Mr. Masters that the Kenzan has been stolen." "needless to say, he was quite disturbed." "I assured him that we would recover it." " We?" " Of course." "You mean "we" meaning me." "Why don't "we" meaning you just call the police?" "We discussed that." "I convinced Mr. Masters we should temporarily delay informing them." "Oh, great." "Just great." "I can't wait to hear why." "What, give Tozan time to sharpen his swords?" "Your insensitivity knows no bounds." "obviously Tozan would be a prime suspect." "Precious time would be wasted in questioning him." "Time which..." "By "we" meaning me chasing down six ninjas?" "Who aren't ninjas cos there's no such thing as ninjas anymore, or samurai!" "Besides, these ninjas who aren't ninjas could be anywhere!" "mostly likely somewhere in the back forty of that guy's pigtail." " call the police." " You have three days." "Even if I go out looking for that plate, there's no guarantee I can find it." "You don't think he'II really commit seppuki?" "Seppuku." "Magnum, Tozan is a modern-day samurai." "I assure you he will carry out his promise." "You see, he cannot do otherwise." "His life is in your hands." "My hands?" "What happened to our hands?" "I suggest you get cracking." " Ready to get cracking?" " You speak in riddles, Magnum-san." " So do you." " Ah, I see." " What?" "See what?" " Can you not see what is before you?" "What I see before me is a guy who seems totally unconcerned at the prospect of killing himself over the loss of a plate." "How do you expect me to take your story seriously?" "You're so calm and relaxed." " Is it not a beautiful afternoon?" " It's great, but that's not the point." "Ah." " Ah? "Ah" what?" " I am a samurai, Magnum-san." "I Iive by a code." "It gives meaning to life." "Just as you may drive your car faster than necessary to give your journey added meaning, danger perhaps." "But this is life and death." "Ah, you understand." "We will get cracking, Magnum-san." "Ah." "(Rick) Sorry, Thomas, but this ninja stuff is a bit out of my line." "(T.C.) Yes, why don't we forget the ninja, bypass them altogether and go straight to Shogun?" " Come on, guys!" " Where did you get this crackpot?" "I didn't get him." "Higgins did." "Look, his name is Tozan and he's a samurai." "well, he thinks he's a samurai." "He tried to deliver this plate to Higgins that was worth half a million pounds." "And these ninja, they stole the plate from him at this temple." "(Both laugh)" "Come on, guys, just cut it out, will you?" "He's putting his life on the line for this." "well, you know those samurai, they'II pull the plug at the drop of a kimono!" "Oops!" "(Both laugh harder)" "(Rick) I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Thomas, but this is just too far-fetched." " What's the gag?" " There is no gag." "I need your help." " OK, say we believe you..." " No, no, no." "Say we believe you, what's in it for us?" "well, I'm sure Robin Masters will reward you generously." " Oh, there's this guy Fukuda..." " (Rick and T.C. laugh)" "You see, he sold the plate to Robin and I bet you he'II throw in some bucks, too." "(Rick laughs) Oh, sure, he will." "Sure!" "AII right, all right, come on, come on." "What do we gotta do to get it?" "Shave our heads and go undercover?" "Come on, guys, cut it out." "AII you gotta do is check your Yakuza contacts, Iike I said." " We gotta find out who hired these ninja..." " (T.C. laughs)" "..and how they knew about Tozan and the plate." "Come on!" "Come on, will you help me?" "please?" " No." " No." " (Magnum) That was very impressive." " It was logical." "Now they understand." "I think I'm beginning to understand too." "So what next?" "The temple?" "That is not logical, Magnum-san." "The ninja are long gone." "Oh, yeah, of course." "So the airport?" "hotel?" "There is nothing to be found out that my enemies do not already know and have already taken advantage of." " There is nothing else to do." " Of course there is, Tozan." "One cannot push for answers, Magnum-san." "One must wait and find pleasure in the waiting." "Tozan, clues...do not just come to you." "You gotta go out and dig, you gotta follow leads, talk to people." "Aren't your friends, T.C. and Rick, now doing this important job?" "Sure, but we can't just sit around and wait." "We gotta do something." "Don't worry, Magnum-san, progress is being made." "surely you must understand for, in your own way, you are a samurai too." " I am?" " You are more a samurai than you think." "well... (chuckles) what are we samurai gonna do tonight - sit around and wait for clues to drop in our laps?" "Yes, tonight we will learn the lesson of the arrow that is not aimed." "Hi, guys." "Tozan..." "I don't know about this." "Sit." "You know, maybe I oughta check and see how Rick and T.C. are doing." "You know, I still think we oughta be out chasing down leads." "I mean, that's what private investigators do." "They chase down leads...and stuff." "(Both giggle)" " (Magnum laughs nervously) - (girls laugh)" "This is great." "It's very relaxing." " Man, I do not Iike this." " Come on, T.C., it'II be a piece of cake." "I'II be the big operator from the mainland." "You'II be my muscle." "How come I can't be the big operator from the mainland and you be my..." "Never mind." " You're getting nervous in your old age." " I got enough sense to be nervous." "Do you know those Yakuza guys cut off their own finger if they screw up?" "Imagine what they'II do to us if they don't believe your crazy story." "What's not to believe?" "(Man) I find this very hard to believe." "In fact, I find it extremely improbable." "AII we want is some information." "Mori Miyashiro said you owed him a favor." "He owes me a favor." "He's passing the favor on to me." " In other words, I owe you a favor?" " Right." "well, kinda." "Wait here until I check this out with Miyashiro." "Wait a minute." "Finding Mori's about as hard as finding Anthony Quinn." "It could take hours." "It took me hours to find him." " We'II just give you a jingle in the morning..." " Yeah, right..." "You'II wait here if it takes all night." " AII night?" " AII night." "I wanna kill him." "Wherever he is, I am going to kill him." "You were saying something about the lesson of the arrow that is not aimed." "It is an old discipline practiced by the Ichinaga samurai." "The bow is pulled, the archer has no thought of his aim, the arrow, his game, or even of himself." "AII is one." "AII is emptiness." "Yet the arrow always finds its target." "When we were playing football, we called it being in the groove." "Everything just...worked." "The pass, the pattern, the blocking, and boom - touchdown." "Ah, you do understand." "It's like the universe in a small, quiet pond." "Each movement contains everything." "Even so simple a thing as serving tea becomes a prayer." "Wonder how Rick and T.C...?" "No, I'm sure they're doing just fine." "Thank you, sheila." "Tea?" "No, thanks." " How long are you gonna keep us here?" " till I hear from Miyashiro." "What happens if you don't hear from him?" "Don't ask." "(plays koto)" "Excuse me, Magnum-san, but sake is most powerful if one is not used to it." "Don't worry, Tozan-san..." "I have had sake before." "Magnum-san, will you do me the honor of being my kaishaku?" " Your what?" " I don't know the english word for it." "It's like a colleague, a partner, a friend." "Ah!" "In that case, I would be happy to be your kai... whatever you call it." "Kaishaku." "Now my mind is at peace." "L'chaim." "(Note rings out)" "(Note rings out)" "(Note rings out)" "(Mouths)" "(bell clangs loudly)" "After Tozan's nimble fingers, the hammer in my head was only pounding half as hard and I was at least able to communicate coherently." "At least, I thought I was coherent." " First time in Hawaii?" " No, I was here once before during the war." "During the war?" "When?" "1941 ." "What progress have you made?" "We've been checking some sources, running down some leads." "You don't have any idea where the Kenzan is, do you?" " No." " Tozan has failed." "No." "He was attacked by six thieves." "What could he do?" " He has sworn to protect it with his life." " But he was Maced." "Tozan, would you explain to him what happened, please?" "There is nothing to say." "Fukuda-san is right." "Mr. Fukuda..." "do you know what he's planning to do?" "Of course." "And the longer he delays, the more his honor suffers." "You're both nuts!" "You're telling him to kill himself over a plate!" "I tell Tozan nothing." "His code tells him everything." "Thank you for reminding me of my honor." "I will arrange for my Seppuku immediately." " (Higgins) Sunrise?" " That's what he said." "Tomorrow." " On Mr. Masters' property?" " No, he said he'd go down to the beach." "I suppose there is public access." "A man is talking about killing himself tomorrow and you're worried about blood on the bougainviIIeas?" "Magnum, you astound me sometimes." "I abhor death, but I understand and respect Tozan's point of view." "We're just gonna have to talk him out of his point of view, aren't we?" "Maybe I can do it." "I'm his kaishuka." "You're his what?" "Oh...kaishaku." "It's a kind of a partner." "It's his blood brother or something." "Magnum, a kaishaku is the equivalent of a duelling second." "He wants you to assist him in his Seppuku." "actually, you're honor-bound to do so." " You're just trying to scare me." " No, I'm not." "After Tozan has disemboweIIed himself with his dirk, you must use his sword to cut off his head otherwise Tozan might risk losing face by crying out." " will you really give the guy a chop?" " No!" "What have you guys got?" "The Yakuza said a Japanese objet d'art is available on the black market." " The seller wants plenty for it." " The Kenzan?" "How many Japanese objets d'art have been stolen?" " Who's got it?" " A guy by the name of GaIIagher." " He's got a souvenir shop on the docks." " He also does some fencing on the side." "Thanks, guys, I really appreciate this." "You oughta take better care of yourselves." "Your clothes look like you slept in 'em." "Tozan, listen to me." "You said our job was to wait." "Something would come to us." "well, now it has and we've got a trail to follow." "Tozan?" "Look, now that we've got the clue, we've got to follow it." "Our duty is to find the Kenzan." "You think you failed Fukuda." "Your real failure..." "will be if you don't help me now." "I will help you until sunrise, Magnum-san." "You can't put a time limit on your life." "Of course I can." "Life is not infinite." "If life itself wasn't infinite, neither were the leads we had to go on." "I was worried that Tozan's rather bizarre appearance might jeopardize the give and take of information between me and this Gallagher guy." "It isn't every day you see a samurai on the waterfront." "Therefore, I decided honesty was the best policy." "Tozan, you'd better let me handle this." "If those ninja are in there, they'II recognize you from the temple." " You will need help." " well...if I need you, I'II just whistle." " whistle?" " You have your history and I have mine." "(Door opens)" "aloha." "Can I help ya?" "Gee, I hope so." "I'm interested in Japanese pottery." "specifically 16th-century Kenzan porcelain." " Who are you?" " That's not important." "Let's just say I'm a collector." "Hey, look, I run a tourist junk factory." "I don't know anything about Japanese pottery." "Gee, that's too bad because this piece I'm looking for is worth 800 grand." "Look, uh...maybe... maybe I'II look around." "You never know, maybe somebody might have a handle on it." " Where can I get a hold of you?" " Don't take too long." "I'm leaving for the mainland tomorrow." "I'd hate to return without my...souvenir." "Not to worry." "You'II hear from me." "Ay!" "Who the hell is that?" " Oh, no." " I am Tozan, samurai of the Ichinaga." "I have come to claim the plate which was stolen from me by your ninja." "Tozan!" "I don't know what scam you're pulling, but I don't have to take this." "I will have it or your head!" "Cha!" "(Roars)" "The plate!" "OK, OK." "Just put the sword away." "Tozan, this way!" "Come on!" "Ahh!" " Now we gotta do it the hard way." " Hard way?" "Yes, the Zen of the high-speed chase." "(Men shouting)" "I'II get him." "I'II get him." "I got him." "I got..." "call an ambulance." "You all right, buddy?" "You all right?" "(Man) He was down there a Iong time." "He's in bad shape." "Magnum, what are you doing?" " Higgins, it's a fake." " What?" "A fake." "How do you know?" "(clock chimes five)" " Sunrise is..." " 5.02." "Tozan!" "Oh, my kaishaku." "I have been waiting for you." "Tozan, it's a fake." "I thought you understood." "You disappoint me." "Damn it, I'm not lying." "Magnum has many faults but lying is not one of them." "(Magnum) You see the grit?" " The Endo..." " Edo." "The Edo Tokugawa period was characterized by porceIain-work using clay of the finest type, virtually devoid of grit." "Extraordinary." "Magnum, you never cease to amaze me." "How did you arrive at this astute conclusion with your limited knowledge of art?" "would you believe me if I said it came to me in a dream?" "Yes, because your conscious mind isn't capable of such superior detective work." "Was there a moment when a switch could have been made?" " It never left my hands until the temple." " Then Fukuda gave you a fake." " impossible." " Tozan, anything is possible." "(Higgins) Not in this case." "The Kenzan was authenticated by Mr. Masters' representative," " just prior to Tozan taking possession." " Fukuda-san put it into my hands himself." "What was GaIIagher doing with such a weII-made fake?" "only GaIIagher can say and he can't share it with us." " He's gonna have to share it with us." " How?" "He's in intensive care, unconscious." " I'II figure that out when I get there." " Very Zen of you." "Come on, Tozan." "Tozan, if you're thinking about going back out on the beach to pull your own plug," " you're gonna have to do it without my help." " Magnum!" " You are angry, Magnum-san." "Why?" " I hate waste." "I've seen a lifetime's worth of it...in Vietnam." "Ah." "To die a samurai is to give meaning to life, but to die a fool is merely to throw one's life away." "I will not die a fool." " You pulled me from the car." " That's right." " Are you a cop?" " Private investigator." "Investigators." "This is my partner, Tozan." "Look, we need to know where you got the Kenzan." "Did you have it stolen for yourself or were you just fencing?" "Neither." "I made it." "You made it?" "It was nearly a perfect forgery." "Thanks for the compliment." " How did you know it was a fake?" " well, it got broken in the wreck." "The clay had too much grit in it for it to be a real Kenzan." "(Laughs)" " I never figured it wouId get broken." " How did you do it?" "About a month ago, a man came to me." "He had the original." "He wanted eleven copies." "A bodyguard stood around the whole time." "He wouldn't let the original out of his sight and I had a hunch..." "so I made an extra copy for myself." "Then I got wind that the real one was stolen." "So you thought you'd cash in?" "I wish like hell I had minded my own business." "What did this man look like?" "Uh..." "He had a shaved head...and a moustache." "I'm not gonna take you to Fukuda, not just so you can kill him, any more than I was gonna be your shaikaku or whatever you call it." "Tozan." "Tozan!" "Tozan!" "Ahh." "Look, I can understand how this would get to you." "I don't like being lied to either." "I am not angry." "In a samurai, anger is a wasted emotion." "As one who hates waste, you can appreciate that." "I do what must be done." "What about the arrow that is not aimed?" "At time of rest call for rest." "At time of action call for action." "Come off it, Tozan!" "Avenging one's honor is just revenge under another name." " If you ask me, revenge is more honest." " To you, perhaps." "Isn't recovering the plate what's important?" "Isn't that your charge?" "If you kill Fukuda but lose the plate, haven't you still lost your honor?" "Thank you, kaishaku, for reminding me of my duty." "(Tires squealing)" "hello, Mr. Fukuda." "You have something that belongs to Robin Masters." "We're here to return it to him." "I don't have anything that belongs to Mr. Masters," " just cheap souvenirs of my trip to Hawaii." " You lie." " Tozan...?" " Sit down, quick!" " What?" " Down!" "You know, Mr. Fukuda, one of these plates...is the real Kenzan." "Which one is it?" "I paid $5 apiece for those..." "and you can't prove otherwise." "unless you want to be charged with kidnapping, assault and theft," "I suggest you release me." "What are you doing?" "I'm breaking cheap souvenirs... for which I'II gladly pay you $5 apiece." "No!" "Not that one, please!" "Very good, Magnum-san." "No wall between thought and deed." "Tozan, no!" "There's a haiku that says, "Though I thought of you as a gallant warrior," ""Did you gird your sword just to gather watercress in the Kaniha rice fields?"" "(Laughs)" "Very good, Magnum-san, very good, but why do you care so much for his life?" "I don't." "I care for yours." "(T.C.) You risked busting a plate worth a haIf-miIIion bucks?" "Pounds, T.C. That's over $800,000." "That's even worse." " What else could I do?" " You could've called the police." "Higgins, you told me not to, remember?" "Besides, as Tozan's kaishuka, I had no choice." "It's kaishaku." "And everyone has a choice." "It's what separates us from the lower animals." "On second thought..." "What are you doing, Higgie baby, joining the samurai union?" "Tozan donated this to the estate collection as an apology for having lost the plate." " Mr. Masters was pleased when I told him." " You told Robin what happened?" "Of course." "He was grateful to Tozan for recovering the plate." "Did you tell him my contribution?" "No, but neither did I mention your flagrant violation of estate rule." "What did you do, T. M., put bubble bath in the tidal pool?" "This is the Iast can in the club." "(Rick) Hi, Higgins." " Is that what I think it is?" " Yes, it's air freshener." " My locker smells like old gym shoes." " You don't buy new ones!" "only smell that would get rid of is dog breath." " I knew it." " No!" "I can explain!" "See, I've got this case." "I gotta repossess a car on Kaneohe and the guy's got dogs." "Three dogs!" "You know what they say about samurai swords - you unsheathe 'em, you gotta draw blood!" "I know!" "Yahh!" "Aiieeee..." "(Sword swishes)"