"Cherry ripe, Cherry ripe, ripe I cry fools and fair ones come and buy!" "Cherry ripe, Cherry ripe, ripe I cry..." "Alice... what's the matter, child?" "You look as pale as a ghost." "I can't do it, Nanny!" "They don't expect you to sing until after tea... you've got another half an hour to practice." "And relax... drink a strong cup of herbal tea... it's what I used to do when I was on the boards..." "I can't do it." "I can't sing." "It's just stage fright... there's nothing to be afraid of..." "I shall be with you... it's all in the mind, child." "You can't make me sing!" "I won't!" "I won't!" "Now, we'll have none of that, young lady." "Everyone's here." "Have you seen my..." "Mummy, please don't make me sing!" "She's a little nervous, Ma'am." "Perfectly natural..." "I've seen it often." "Alice, you promised me and your father." "All the guests are so looking forward to it." "It's expected." "Of course, dear, if you really don't want to your father and I will understand though we'll be very disappointed." "I don't want to disappoint you and daddy." "Don't worry darling..." "I'm sure you'll make us all very proud." "And remember Alice, whatever happens... flood or earthquake... the show must go on." ""Cherry ripe, cherry ripe, ripe I cry... fools and fair ones come and buy..." "Oh what am I going to do, Dinah?" "Of all the songs I have to sing "Cherry Ripe"!" "How can they expect me to sing in front of all these strangers." "I'll go back later when it's all over!" "Oh dear, oh!" "Oh me!" "Oh, oh, oh dear, oh dear, oh dear" "I'll be so late!" "Oooh, Oh me." "Oh dear." "I wonder what Latitude or Longitude I've got to?" "I've no idea what Latitude and Longitude are, but they're grand words" "Longitude and Latitude" "Oh my furry ears and whiskers, look how late it's getting!" "Perhaps I fell right through the earth, and come out the other side..." "I shall have to ask somebody the name of the country..." ""Please Ma'am, is this New Zealand or Australia?"" "That's strange..." "Now that I'm in, how do I get out?" "If only I was smaller..." "That wasn't there before," "I wonder if it's alright to drink." "If you drink too much from a bottle marked poison it's almost certain to disagree with you sooner or later." "This bottle's not marked "Poison"." "Hmm..." "Oh no." "Now what am I supposed to do?" "Curiouser and curiouser." "If it makes me grow taller then I can reach the key... and if it makes me grow smaller I can creep under the door... either way I'll get into the garden!" "I'm stuck," "I'm stuck." "What am I suppose to do?" "Oh!" "The Duchess'll be absolutely savage if I keep her waiting." "Please sir, can you help me?" "!" "Are you crying?" "Yes." "Well, fortunately I speak "crying" and "sobbing" fluently... but I can't stay..." " I'm late!" " No." "Yesterday everything was so normal..." "Now look at me." "I'm huge, and I'm stuck!" "I wonder what's making me grow smaller?" "It must be this fan." "Mr Mouse!" "Mr Mouse..." "Mr Mouse." "How did you know my name, young lady." "You did look like a mouse..." "I'm late." "Come with me," "I've a very important lecture to deliver and everyone will be there!" "My lectures, my lectures have to be seen and heard to be depreciated... of course they divide people..." "Last time the whole audience hissed." "Hissed!" "All except one man." "He was applauding the hissing." "What am I going to talk about?" "What am I going to do?" "Whatever it is I'll talk about, you can be sure it isn't new" "Not new." "Not new." "I am an English lecturer" "The most famous of my time." "Because I stick with the same old words" "And never change a line." "Not a line, not, not a line..." "Not a line..." "My mother couldn't carry a tune not even if it had handles." "Silly old trout." "A most depressing venue..." "The distemper's coming off at the knees..." "Still the audience look lively enough." "That's the main thing..." "I mean they're not dead." "Not yet..." "What's your name, if it isn't a rude question?" "Alice." "Oh well, that's not your fault..." "Err... you're wet!" "Sit down..." "I'll soon make her dry enough." "My lecture is the driest thing I've ever heard of." "Settle down everybody whilst I clear my throat." "Get on with it!" "Walnuts!" "Oh well, now then..." ""William the Conqueror, whose cause was favored by the Pope," "Ooooh..." "Did you speak?" "I don't think so." ""Edwin and Morcar, the Earls of Mercia and Northumbria, declared for him... and even Stigand, the patriotic Archbishop of Canterbury found it advisable to go with Edgar Altheling to meet William and offer him the crown." "How are you getting on now, my dear?" "I'm as wet as ever, it doesn't seem to dry me at all." "Are you sure?" "I don't like the sound of it." "None of use do... in which case I move that the meeting adjourn..." "And we immediately, if not sooner, adopt more energetic remedies to facilitate a cure for wetness, per se..." "Speak English!" "What I was going to say was, ipso facto... the best thing to get her dry would be... a caucus-race!" "What's a caucus-race?" "!" "A caucus-race!" "A caucus-race!" "What's a caucus-race?" "I'll pack a few things!" "Now you're talking." "Yes I'm talking, now what's a caucus-race?" "!" "The best way to explain a caucus-race is - to do it." "On your marks, get set... go!" "It's a blistering race!" "An extraordinary display of skill, determination and sheer stupidity!" "They're all cheating!" "That's caucus-race!" "So perish all enemies of the Tsar!" "And there's more where that came from!" "So you think I'm a cheat do you?" "!" "No just deformed." "No man calls me deformed unless he's certified!" "Look!" "Look... the finishing post!" "Who's won?" "!" "Who's won?" "!" "I vouchsafe that everybody won... and that we must all have prizes." "Who's going to give the prizes?" "!" "Why, Alice of course!" "Um..." "Ha!" "I think it's time we were all in bed with a cup of hot chocolate." "Indubitably!" "Wait." "Where are you all going." "Wait!" "Oh the Duchess!" "Oh the Duchess!" "Oh, my sweet paws." "Oh my fur and whiskers!" "She'll get me executed as sure as ferrets are ferrets." "Oh what've you lost, sir?" "A pair of white kid gloves and a fan." "Oh..." "I'll help you find them." "Hm hm, what are you doing here?" "!" "I'm trying to get into the beautiful garden." "Run home and fetch me another pair of gloves and a fan!" "Quick!" "He's treating me as if I'm his housemaid!" "Frederick Rabbit's house!" "He lives very well for a rabbit." "Some of these things must be priceless... or even more expensive." "It doesn't say "Drink Me" like the other bottle." "I'm sure it'll make something interesting happen." "I just hope it makes me grow large again." "Err - that's enough!" "Oh dear - what am I going to do?" "!" "Oh, dear!" "Hm..." "It's stuck." "I'll try the back window." "Wah!" "Uh - oh..." "Pat!" "Pat!" "I'm here, your honour, I'm here." "I was er, out the front digging for apples..." "Ah, for sure, it's a dewy dawn when the larks on the wing and the snail's on the horn." "What?" "Oh not now, Pat..." "just help me out of this." "Alright, come on, up come on." "Lets have you." "Oh, oh no." "That won't do the vegetables any good, your honour." "Why're we growing cucumbers, Pat?" "Because they're green, your worship." "I thought so..." "Now tell me, Pat, what's that in the window?" "Let's have a look." "Hang on a sec." "That's an arm your worship!" "An arm!" "Whoever saw an arm that size?" "No-one, but sure, it's still an arm." "Well it's no business there... remove it!" "Me, your worship?" "Yes, you." "Are you a coward?" "Oh no, not at all..." "I might have coward's legs but the rest of me's brave as a lion." "There's nothing to be afraid of." "Well then you do it!" "I'm too rich, I can't afford to die." "Will somebody please help me?" "I'm stuck!" "I'm stuck!" "Why won't anyone help me?" "I can't do it by myself!" "Why do you keep failing like that." "Your honour?" "I like it!" " Oh help me up." " Oh, right so." "Here take me right hand, there we go..." "No that..." "That's me right hand!" "Oooo, ooo." "Bill!" "Hello!" "You're needed, lad!" "What's the matter, sirs?" "The Master's got a terrible case of the 'falls'!" "Get a ladder!" "Oh!" "Right." "Now be careful with the ladder, lad" "You might... hit..." "Oh!" "Oh..." "Sorry sir!" "Oh." "Put the ladder up against the house." "Oh, yes, yes that's good." "Now climb up." "What for?" "You've got to get on the roof, slide down the chimney and see who's in the house." "Why?" "Because I can't get through the door or windows." "Ah now sir, that's a mighty clever idea." "But you see, I've got a bad back for chimneys." "I inherited it from my mother." "We've always had terrible backs for chimneys!" "Oh you do it, Bill!" "Who me?" "Yes you!" "Oh... alright then." "Quick." "Hurry!" "Now careful, Bill, there's a loose slate up there somewhere." "Ah, good man, you've found it!" "Pat, tell him to climb down the chimney." "Bill." "Ow." "...climb down the chimney!" "He shouldn't do that?" "!" "Not down the chimney... don't try it!" "Ya-hoo!" "There goes Bill." "Oh." "Oh dear." "Bill!" "Bill!" "What happened, lad?" "Hold up his head... here's brandy" "Ah thank you, your worship" "Not you!" "Ah sorry, purely medicinal, runs in the family." "What happened, Bill?" "Well something comes at me, like a Jack-in-the-box, and then up I goes like a sky-rocket." "Spoken like a true Irishman, Bill." "I don't like the look of this." "There's nothing for it!" "We must burn down the house!" "Good thinking, your worship." "Would you like me to sing some melodies of Old Ireland?" "No, just burn down the house!" "Oh, no you don't!" "You're not burning down this house while I'm inside!" "Ha ha." "A barrow full should do!" "Ready, aim..." "Fire!" "Ah, stop it." "You'd better not do that again!" "Hmm." "They're not real pebbles" "They're soft like sponge cakes..." "Now I must go and find that lovely garden." "No one will think of looking for me there." "Everything seems different from down here." "I have to keep looking up." "I'm sure little people must get very bad neck strain." "It's enough to make a cat bark." "I used to read fairy tales," "I never thought I would end up in the middle of one." "There ought to be a book written about me." "Maybe when I grow up I'll write one." "Sir." "Sir, who do I have the honour of addressing?" "Major Caterpillar, ribbon and bar..." "Late of "Her Majesty's Foot and Light"..." "A true son of England and it's flag what..." "Who're you?" "I don't really know." "If you don't, I don't!" "I know who I was this morning but I think I've been changed several times since then." "Explain yourself or you'll find yourself on a charge." "Well, I can't explain myself, sir, because I'm not myself, you see." "No, I don't see." "Everyone should be the right size, shouldn't they." "But I've been so many different sizes in one day it's very confusing." "Why?" "Well, if you were to change... into a butterfly say you'd find it quite strange, wouldn't you?" "Not a bit of it!" "Nothing's strange to me!" "I don't think you should talk to me like that." "Like what?" "In short sentences." "Oh, ah a ooo" "All I know is that it's very disturbing, sometimes I start crying." "Why?" "Because I don't remember things like I used to and I can't keep the same size for ten minutes together." "That's a rum do." "I'd keep an eye on it if I were you..." "Can't remember what things exactly?" "Songs and poems." "Gad, it's worse than having a beri-beri." "Umm, recite "You Are Old, Father William"." "Stand up, girl... you can't sing or recite without standing up." "Well that's just it..." "I don't want to!" "No, no elbows all wrong." "Tuck'em in!" "Tuck'em in!" "Good!" "Try and keep in tune!" ""You are old, Father William", the Young Man said" ""And your hair has become very white;" "And yet you incessantly stand on your head." "Do you think, at your age, this is right?" Hmm?" "I don't know if you were trying for the "Paganini Variations" for voice and trumpet, but you missed five verses." "Some of the words did get a little altered." "Young lady, it was wrong from beginning to end." "And you can't get wronger than that!" "I'm afraid that's what always happens when I have to perform!" "You mustn't be afraid, that's worse than not remembering." "Oh... dear!" "What size do you want to be?" "!" "Speak up!" "Speak up!" "I don't care about the size, just so long as I'm not changing all the time, you know." "No, I don't know." "There you go again with short sentences!" "There you go, losing your temper." "It's against Queens Regulations!" "Do you like your size right now?" "I'd like to be little taller..." "this is a terrible height to be." "Terrible?" "!" "Gad, woah!" "One side will make you taller and the other side will make you shorter." "One side of what?" "The mushroom... that's what it's there for... everything has a purpose even here." "Thank you, Major." "Ha ha ha ha ha..." "One side makes me taller." "The other side will make me shorter." "I wonder which one is which." "Mmmm..." "I think I'll keep these, they may come in handy later." "That looks respectable," "I wonder if they'll be able to give me directions..." "For the Duchess, an invitation from the Queen to play croquet." "From the Queen, an invitation for the Duchess to play croquet." "An invitation to play croquet, from the Queen, for the Duchess." "I've got the gist." "Are you sure?" "Yes, it's an invitation from the Queen for the Duchess to play croquet." "Hm, I wouldn't put it quite like that, but it'll have to do I suppose." "It's no good you knocking like that." "Why not?" "Two good reasons." "One, because I'm on the same side of the door as you..." "Oh yes." "Two, they're making so much noise inside, no-one can hear you." "But how am I going to get inside?" "That is the question." "The problem." "You might even say, the conundrum or riddle." "Yes, I might." "There'd be some sense in you knocking if we had a door between us." "I could go and get a spare door but that would take too long." "On the other hand, if you were inside the house, you could knock, and I could let you out..." "Knock, knock..." "This way out, Madame." "But I don't want to go out, I want to go in!" "Of course, but if you did want to go out it'd be much easier." "Meanwhile, I'm going to sit here until tomorrow." "Or the next day perhaps, or even for a whole week," "then I can come back by popular demand." "But how am I supposed to get inside?" "I need to ask them a question." "Will you ever get in, is the question you should be asking?" "I'm going to sit here for days thinking about it and singing" ""Coming Through the Rye"." "Dee da dada dar dee dar da dar dee dar dee dar dum" "It's no use talking to you!" "I'll just have to do it myself." "That's the spirit!" "Pepper!" "I want pepper!" "Pepper!" "More pepper..." "More pepper!" "More pepper!" "Please could you tell me why your cat is grinning at me like that?" "He's a Cheshire-Cat." "Cheshire-Cat's always grin." "Isn't that so, Piggy?" "I didn't know Cheshire-Cats always grinned." "In fact I didn't know cats could grin." "Uh ho, well you don't know very much then do you." "Isn't that so Piggy!" "Are you really a Duchess?" "Every inch!" "Pepper!" "Pepper!" "Pepper!" "Be careful!" "You almost hit his poor little nose!" "Nonsense!" "He can already play "Three Blind Mice" on his nose-flute!" "What do you want little Miss?" "!" "I want to know how to get into the garden?" "Oh - now you're talking, but I prefer singing to talking, don't you?" "Let's have a song." ""Speak roughly to the little boy," "And beat him when he sneezes." "He only does it to annoy." "Because he knows it teases."" ""I speak severely to my boy," "I beat him when he sneezes." "For he can thoroughly enjoy the pepper when he pleases"" "Here you nurse for a bit..." "I've got an appointment... can't wait." "Pepper!" "More pepper!" "I best get you out of here." "They're sure to kill you!" "More pepper!" "Pepper!" "I thought you wanted to go in?" "I've been in... now I'm coming out." "Life is so complicated!" "You mustn't grunt like that." "You sounds as if you've turned into a pig." "You have turned into a pig!" "I'd best let you go." "Go on." "When he gets older he'll make a very ugly child... or a very handsome pig..." "Now which way?" "Ah!" "Cheshire-Puss, can you tell me which way to go?" "Well that depends on where you want to get to." "The garden!" "Why do you want to go there?" "It looks safe." "Sometimes things that look safe turn out nasty... and things that look nasty turn out safe." "That's immoral." "What sort of people live around here?" "Well a Hatter lives over there." "Follow my pointed paw." "And a gentleman called Hare nicknamed March lives there." "They're probably having a tea party." "They're both mad." "They're both mad." "But I don't want to meet mad people." "But I don't want to meet mad people." "Oh, but you can't help it, everyone here is mad." "I'm mad, you're mad." "It's only by chance and careful planning if you're not." "How do you know I'm mad?" "Because you're here!" "And everyone here is mad." "I went to a Hunt Ball once, I didn't like it..." "Terrible people." "They all started hunting me!" "Hm..." "Life must be hard for you?" "But I grin a bear it..." "By-the-by, what became of the baby?" "It turned into a pig." "I knew it would, it's the same with crows and moor-hens." "Did you say "pig" or "fig"?" "I said "pig"." "And I wish you wouldn't keep appearing and disappearing so suddenly." "You're making me very dizzy!" "So sorry... is this better?" "Which way shall you go?" "Which path shall you take?" "If you don't take any you will make a mistake." "Which way shall you go?" "Which path shall you take?" "You have to move on though you tremble and quake..." "Hmm the Cheshire Cat was right." "They are having tea." "I wonder if they'd mind if I joined them?" "Have you any more food down there, Dormy?" "Any spoilt sandwiches or strawberries?" "I love strawberries, don't you?" "Aha ha ha ha." "I'm sure he's hoarding them!" "Oh haw haw haw..." "I'm lost... could I... get" "No room." "There's no room." "There's plenty of room." "Why didn't you report this sooner, Hatty?" "I overslept." "Why're you here?" "Well, I've been looking for the pretty garden all day... and now I'm tired, and hungry." "Oh, that's different." "We've been eating for hours." "And we've not finished yet." "Waiter, waiter, there's a hair in my soup!" "Is it blonde?" "We're missing a waitress." "Have some wine!" "I don't see any wine." "There isn't any and you're too young." "Then it wasn't very nice of you to offer it." "It wasn't very nice of you to sit down without an invitation." "This is a private soiree." "Well I suppose I should've just barged in." "I know I wasn't invited but the table was laid out for a lot of people." "My response to that is both profound a meaningful." "Get your hair cut!" "You shouldn't make personal remarks, it's very rude." "I didn't know that." "Personal remarks are rude?" "Hm hmm." "E'gad, you learn something new everyday." "Make a note of that, Marchy, it might come in useful." "Now I have one for you..." "Why is a raven like a writing desk?" "Why is a raven...?" "I'm not talking to you..." "Why not, aren't I good enough?" "You've heard it before." "But you were looking at me when you said "Why is a raven...?"" "I'm asking Alice!" "Um, why is raven like a writing desk." "You know" " I'm pretty sure I can guess." "You mean you think you know the answer?" "Yes." "Then you should say what you mean." "Well I do... at... at least..." "At least I mean what I say..." "That... that is the same thing." "It's not the same thing at all." "You might as well say "I see what I eat" is the same thing as "I eat what I see"" "You might as well say "I like what I get" as "I get what I like."" "Ahhh!" "Oh!" "You or you might as well say" ""I breathe when I asleep" is the same thing as "I sleep when I breathe."" "Well it is the same with you!" "No no, oh I need some sleep." "Clean cups!" "Time marches on it's stomach!" "Ah ha ha ha." "It's an army that marches on its stomach." "Odd sort of army, marching on it's stomach." "I don't like the idea." "Yuck!" "What day of month is it?" "The fourth." "Ah-ah!" "Two days wrong!" "I told you not to use butter." " It was the best butter." " Danish." "Some crumbs must've got into it as well..." "I said, "don't put butter in the works with a bread knife"." "I couldn't put it in with a fork could I?" "Here, let me see." "I don't want to give it to you - but I will." "Ohh!" "Ahhgh!" "I don't understand it... it was the best butter." "Danish." "That's a funny watch." "It tells the day of the month but not the time." "Why should it... does your watch tell you what year it is?" "No." "Because it stays a year for so long." "Oh well then I rest my case." "Where?" "There!" "I know when I'm beaten." "Oh look." "Mr Dormouse is asleep again." "It tells you a lot about your conversation..." "Sparkle, Miss, sparkle!" "Of course, of course," "I was just going to say that myself..." "I'm..." "I'm asleep... again..." "Have you guessed the riddle about the raven yet?" "Um hmm no, I give up... what's the answer?" "I haven't the slightest idea." "Nor me." "I think you should all do something better with the time than wasting it on asking stupid riddles." "If you knew Time the way I do, you wouldn't talk about wasting "it"." "Time is a "him"." ""It" isn't polite." "I don't know what you mean." "Of course you don't!" "Because you've never spoken to Time have you?" "Well I have." "We used to be very good friends..." "We served the Empire, in many a distant post before they all got woodworm." "But we quarreled last March... just before he went mad." "Flatterer!" "It was at the great concert given by the Queen of Hearts!" "Quick, stop him, he's going to sing... too late!" "Thank you ladies and gentlemen." "How terribly sweet of you." "And now for a little encore I'd like to a song entitled "Auntie's Wooden Leg"." "Maestro, if you please..." ""Oh Auntie's wooden leg, Auntie's wooden leg." "We'll paint it red and call it Fred or Ned or Ted." "Oh, Auntie's wooden leg." "Auntie's wooden leg." "Everybody said it was well and truly dead, oh Auntie's wooden leg..." "I say, I say, I say!"" "How dare you interrupt my song with "I say, I say, I say!"" "I say, I say, I say..." "In this world it's not what you know, but who you know." "I don't know either one of them." "Kindly leave the stage by the red door." "There's a fifty foot drop on the other side!" "But we're still good friends..." "Dohh!" "Auntie's wooden ohh..." "Uh ha, oh dear dear dear dear dear." "Auntie's wooden leg." "Aunties wooden leg, we'II..." "That's enough of that... or she'll walk out." "That's what the audience did at the concert." "Try another song." "We're desperate men." ""Twinkle, twinkle, little bat." "How I wonder what you're at!" "Up above the world you fly." "Like a tea-tray in the sky." "Twinkle, twinkle, little twinkle," "You don't speak but you will twinkle." "Twinkle, twinkle, twinkle, twinkle, little bee," "Twinkle, twinkle," "I'm so glad it isn't me..." "Lovely isn't it?" "It could almost pass for singing." ""Twinkle, twinkle, twinkle, twinkle..."" "Anyway, I'd hadn't finished the second verse at the concert when the Queen bawls out..." ""He's murdering the tunc!" "Off with his head!"" "How terrible for you." "You're very understanding for a small girl." "Anyway, if you'll pardon the expression," "Time took offence to our performance." "Uh - your performance!" "And ever since then he won't do a thing we ask... he stopped time." "Could he stop time for me?" "I have to sing a song." "Oh wonderful!" "We're all performers here." "The roar of the greasepaint, the smell of the crowd... nothing like it!" "But I don't want to!" "Don't want to perform?" " It's unnatural." " No, no, no." "Stage fright." "I remember my first performance, I shook so much my hat fell off." "If Time stopped time for you, he could stop time for me." "But he only stops time at tea-time." "So it's always tea-time here?" "Tell us a story." "I don't know any." "Then Dormy will." "Wake up, Dormy!" "Ahhrgh!" "I wasn't asleep." "Oh no..." "I heard every word you fellows said..." "Tell us a story!" "Please do!" "And do it quick, otherwise you'll fall asleep before you've finished it." "Once upon a time there were three sisters," "Elsie, Lacie and Tillie and they lived at the bottom of a well." "What did they live on?" "What did they live on?" "Treacle!" "That would've made them ill." "It did." "It made them very ill." "Have some more tea!" "More tea!" "More tea!" "I've had nothing yet so I can't have more!" "You mean you can't have less." "It's very easy to have more than nothing." "Especially if you're poor." "I'd still like to know why they lived at the bottom of the well?" "Ah, oh well, it was a treacle-well!" "A treacle well?" "!" "There's no such thing!" "Disgraceful!" "You'll hear from my solicitor in the morning!" "Outrageous!" "What about a letter to the "The Times"?" "!" "If you can't be civil you can finish the story yourself." "No, no..." "I'm sorry..." "I won't interrupt you again..." "I'm sure there must be, at least, one treacle-well." "Now, where was I?" "Oh yes... so these three sisters were learning to draw..." "Draw what?" "Treacle!" "Hole in one!" "I want another clean cup... everyone move!" "What I don't understand is, how they could draw treacle?" "You can draw water out of a water-well, can't you?" "Good one, Hatty!" "Good one!" "I don't think I like this Tea Party as much as I thought I would." "Then you shouldn't talk, just hum... because we know you socially, Alice." "It doesn't mean we're going to introduce you to our friends." "We haven't got any." "But if we had!" "Ah, if we had!" "I'm no staying here listening to you being rude!" "You'll find better places for that I'm sure!" "Of course she will, if she's lucky!" "Besides it's going to rain." "It never rains but it pours." "If it does, we carry on... we're little heroes, aren't we, Dormy?" "Officer, these men are criminals!" "Who's got his ear trumpet?" "!" "It's the most stupid tea-party I've ever been to." "I told you he wouldn't fit." "He'll fit, we have to try harder." "I heard that... try harder." "Oh ah." "No that's my nose." "No mind my ears..." "That's curious..." "Hmm..." "This time I'll manage things better." "Mmm..." "At last." "The perfect place to hide." "Oh look out there, Mr Five, you're splashing paint!" "I couldn't help it, Mr Two, Mr Seven jogged my elbow." "Oh that's right, shifting the responsibility again!" "Ha, you can talk." "I heard the Queen say you deserved to be beheaded." "What for?" "Tulip-roots." "What?" "For bringing the Cook tulip-roots instead of onions." "Is that all?" "That's a mistake anyone can make!" "Hello..." "Hello!" "Why are you painting the roses red?" "The fact is, Miss, this tree ought by rights to've been a red rose-tree, and we planted a white one by mistake." "Easy thing to do." "Yes." "If the Queen was to find out... well, the fact is we'd all have our heads cut off." "So you see, Miss, we're doing our best to put things right." "Before she comes." "Ah!" "She's coming now!" "The Queen!" "The Queen!" "Left right, left right, left right, left," "Halt!" "And who is this?" "I agree entirely." "Don't be ridiculous!" "Would I lie to you, Your Majesty?" "Yes." "Oh well thank you, compliments are always welcome." "You're an idiot!" "That's right your Majesty." "Only you could spot that, it takes one to know one." "A complete idiot!" "Your name, child?" "Alice, if it please Your Majesty." "Why have we stopped?" "And who are these?" "How should I know?" "I'm a stranger here." "Off with her head!" "Off with her head!" "Off with her her head!" "Stop losing your temper... it's vulgar!" "Consider, my dear, she's just a child." "You think so?" "Yes that would account for it." "Children have no respect for their betters these days." "You three get up!" "Stop doing that!" "You're making me dizzy!" "What is this?" "If you please Your Majesty, we're trying..." "Yes, you are aren't you..." "Very trying... ha ha ha..." "Off with their heads." "I won't let you be beheaded." "Quick jump in here." "Do you play croquet?" "Who, me?" "!" "Yes, you!" "I'm not in the habit of talking to myself if that's the only way I can get an intelligent conversation round here..." "Can you play Croquet?" "Yes." "Come on then!" "Nice day." "Very..." "Where's the Duchess?" "Oh" " Hush..." "Hush..." "she's due to be executed." "Get to your places!" "Don't look at me..." "look down." "Off with his head." "Off with her head." "Off with her head." "I don't like it here... they're too fond of beheading people..." "Ah it's the Cheshire Cat!" "Hello, there..." "How do you like the game?" "They don't play very fair." "But nobody does if they think they can get away with it." "That's a lesson you'll have to learn." "Well, I should've croqueted the Queen's hedgehog but my hedgehog wouldn't roll into a ball." "Well you've got to look at it from the hedgehog's point of view." "Yes, I suppose I should have." "How do you like the Queen?" "I don't... she's so extremely likely to win, that it's hardly worth finishing the game." "There's a good, good little girl." "Charming." "Charming." "Who're you talking to?" "A friend of mine." "Cheshire Cat, this is the King." "Urghh" " I don't like this at all... but as you're in the presence you may kiss my hand." "I'd rather not." "What?" "!" "That's rank insubordination and you know what that leads to..." "And don't look at me like that!" "A cat may look at a King." "What does that mean?" "I read it in a book somewhere." "I haven't, but it sounds immoral." "It has undertones." "That book should be banned." "I like the sound of that." "Ah, my dear, how do we get rid of a floating cat?" "Off with its head!" "Brilliant!" "I knew I could rely on you, my dear." "I'll just go and fetch the executioner!" "Do you know where my hedgehog went?" "He rolled away over there." "Now stop it, it's alright I'm not going to hurt you." "All that's necessary is a swift chop to the back of the neck!" "It's difficult!" "But I must have a ruling!" "I appeal to you, little girl!" "You've still got a good head on your shoulders!" "No thanks to you." "What?" "!" "Ohh!" "I can't hear what you say." "One at a time please!" "I'm sorry about my altitude." "It smacks of revolution!" "You're above us!" "My argument is simple and based on irrefutable logic." "I'm Chief Executioner." "But I can't cut off an head unless there's a body to cut it from." "This here cat, hanging up there, large as life and twice as repulsive, has no body... ipso facto, I cannot separate it from hit's head..." "My argument is, I venture to say, overwhelming." "Anything that has a head can be beheaded." "And don't forget I'm also a Justice of the Peace." "There's too much talk and not enough action." "And if something doesn't happen in a minute," "I'm going to have everybody executed!" "You choose, little girl." "To behead or not to behead, that is the question." "What's the answer, girl?" "!" "You have to tread with care when dealing with cats." "They have influence and are seen in all the smart places." "You remember the Great Cat Massacre." "Ah, yes, I was forgetting." "Catastrophe." "I'd think carefully before acting rashly." "Sound advice, little girl." "And another thing, the cat belongs to the Duchess." "She's in prison... fetch her!" "I remember the Great Cat Massacre of '28... nasty business." "Yes it was just after the Great Flamingo Plague of '26 wasn't it?" " Shhh." " What?" "!" "Ahh..." "Duchess." "Think carefully before answering this question..." "Is this your cat?" "!" "No!" "No?" "It isn't?" "I was told... ahh, it's gone!" "It's your fault!" "It was in your custody!" "It wasn't official, so it's nothing to do with me, mate." "I'm in the clear!" "Help me find it!" "Everybody help!" "Quick, quick." "Quick." "Oh, you can't think how glad I am to see you again, you old thing." "Thank you." "You look worried, my dear?" "I don't want to go back and sing that song." "The show must go on." "Why?" "Life would be very dull if it didn't." "Off with your head." "The game's going better now." "And the moral of that is..." ""the more there is of mine, the less there is of yours"." "Or you could say "fortune favours the brave"." "I could and I will..." ""fortune favours the brave"." "Oh that's a good moral." "You are a clever old thing you." "Ohh!" "Fine day, Your Majesty." "I gave you fair warning." "Either you or your head must be OFF!" "Now, my dear, we can finish our game, before you leave." "I'm frightened of going back." "They want me to do things I don't want to do." "To stay, you have to know the password." "I don't know it." "Guess." ""Penny-whistle"." "Guess again." ""Lions and Unicorns"." "Almost but not quite." "It's "Honeycomb"." "Can you write that word down?" "Mmm yes." "Blindfolded?" "Well..." "I thought not!" "Come, come, this won't do." "Everybody play!" "Off with their heads." "Off with their heads." "Off with everyone's heads!" "This isn't such a lovely garden after all." "Now where have I got to?" "Hmm..." "That looks like the coat of arms we have at home." "Hello." "Who are you?" "Alice." "Alice?" "That sounds familiar." "And who are you?" "A gryphon... part eagle, part lion." "The best of each I always say." "Hmm, I thought you were a mythical creature?" "I am... that makes me even more fascinating." "Is there a way out of this maze, sir?" "Let's ask Mr Mock Turtle." "He's my best friend... splendid fellow." "True blue through and through..." "Rise and shine, old chum." "Oh, is there something wrong?" "No, no, no." "It's his fancy." "Who knows what sad thoughts tiptoe through the mossy glades of his mind." "I know how to cheer him up." "Ah, Mockers tell this young lady about yourself." "She's come to right person for that... sit down, both of you." "Er no thanks, I've heard it before." "Sit down... it's the least you can do." "Once, ahhh haaa..." "I was a real turtle" "I was a real..." "I was a real..." "Thank you for that very interesting story sir." "I haven't started yet!" "Stay, you may learn something." "You must've learned a lot since you've been down here?" "Yes I suppose I have." "When Gryph and I were little, we went to school in the same sea, and the Master was an old turtle." "We used to call him "tortoise"." "Why would you call him "tortoise" if he wasn't one?" "We called him " tortoise "because he taught us." "You ought to be ashamed of yourself, asking a simple question like that." "He taught us reeling and writing, and the basic fundamentals of Arithmetic." "Ambition, Distraction, Qualification and we also learnt Drawling" "The Drawling Master was an old conger-eel." "He taught us Drawling." "Stretching and Fainting in Coils." "Whoao!" "What was that like?" "I'll show you." "I'll have it in a minute." "I can't show it to you myself." "I'm a little too stiff." "Old age is not for weaklings." "And Gryphon, here, never learnt it, did you, Gryph?" "I didn't time..." "I went to the Classical Master though... what an old crab he was." "Tell her about the games!" "Woo Cho cho cho cho choo " "You may never have lived in the sea so you've probably never been introduced to a lobster." "I once tasted a Io..." "You what-what-what-what?" "!" "Nothing." "You've never seen a Lobster-Quadrille then?" "!" "No, what sort of dance is that?" "Ha da cha cha cha chaa..." "This will give you some idea of what it looks like." "First you have to clear away all the jelly-fish." "You don't want to dance on top of a lot of jelly-fish, do you?" "Yah!" "Woo, Mmmm." "You have a line of dancers... turtles, salmon, cod, skate." "Whoever's available." "And each one has a lobster Don't forget about the lobsters!" "Yes, then you advance twice, change lobsters and retire in the same order..." "Then, you throw the lobsters into the air." "Then you change lobsters again." "And that, little girl, is the first figure of the dance!" "It's a beautiful dance." "Oh, it is and it costs a pretty penny." "And a few ugly ones too." "Now, we'll show it to you." ""Will you walk a little faster?" Said a whiting to a snail." ""There's a porpoise close behind us, and he's treading on my tail," "See how eagerly the lobsters and the turtles all advance!" "They are waiting on the shingle." "Will you come and join the dance?" "See how eagerly the lobsters and the turtles all advance!" "They are waiting on the shingle." "Will you come and join the dance?" "Dance!" "Will you, won't you, will you, won't you, join the dance?" "Dance!" "Will you, won't you, will you, won't you - join the dance?"" "Dance!" "Thank you." "It was a very interesting dance to watch." "And no wise fish would ever go anywhere without a porpoise." " Wouldn't it really?" " Course not." "Why, if a fish came to me and said he was going on a journey," "I'd say "with what porpoise?"" "So you like performing then?" "No..." "I hate it." "Oh you know you mustn't it's such fun." "Stand up." "Oh you are standing up." "Recite "Tis voice of the sluggard"." "She doesn't know that!" "I do." "Recite it then!" ""Tis the voice of the Lobster I heard him declare." "You have baked me too brown." "I must sugar my hair" "As a duck with its eyelids, so he with his nose." "Trims his belt and his buttons and turns out his toes"" "You've got it wrong." "I keep getting things wrong today..." "I think you'd better sing "Turtle Soup" instead, if you would, Old Fellow." "You don't have to ask me twice." "He'll sing at the drop of a hat." "I haven't got a hat, but if I had and it dropped it," "I'd sing before it touched the ground." "You're in for a treat, Alice..." "Master... an undiscovered virtuose." "And he plays the spoons..." "show her your reviews." "Later..." "Later, I'm in my singing mode right now." ""Beautiful Soup so rich and green," "Waiting in a hot tureen!" "Who for such dainties, would not stoop?" "Soup of the evening," "Beautiful Soup!" "Soup of the evening, beautiful Soup!" "Beau-ootiful Soo-oop!" "Beau-ootiful Soo-oop!" "Soo-oop of the e-e-evening." "Beau-ootiful, soo-oo... take it Alice!" "Soo-oop!" "Needs a little work, but we'll get it." "Beautiful Soup!" "Who cares for fish." "Game or any other dish!" "Who would not give all else for two Pennyworth only of Beautiful Soup!" "Beau-ootiful Soo-oop!" "Beau-ootiful Soo-oop!" "Soo-oop of the e-e-evening." "Beau-oooo tiful soooo-oooop!"" "And now my dear" " I think you're ready to find your way" "And they say this sort of thing is only for the rich." "One more chorus, dear fellow!" "Beau-ootiful Soo-oop!" "Beau-ootiful Soo-oop!" "Soo-oop of the e-e-evening." "Beau-oooo tiful soo-oop." "Beau-ootiful soup so..." "Oh dear." "I was forgetting..." "Ah, perhaps this is the way out." "Ahoy!" "Ahoy!" "She's my prisoner, you know!" "And I've come to rescue her." "We'll have to fight for her." "You'll observe the rules of battle, of course." "I always do." "Good man." "Take that!" "Oh!" "Curse my weak wrists!" "You're worthy opponent, sir." "Another day perhaps?" "Another day, sir!" "Thank you very much..." "That was a glorious victory, wasn't it?" "As an encore I do the Battle of Agincourt." " Here let me help you take your helmet off." " Yes..." "Oh, I can breathe now." "Thank you." "I see you're admiring my box." "It's my own invention to keep sandwiches in." "You see I carry it upside-down so they don't get wet when it rains." "But they can drop out, the lid is open." "So that's what happened to my sandwiches!" "Do you know why I did that?" "No." "It's now a bee's nest." "I should be getting some honey very soon." "But you already have a bee-hive." "Oh, one of the best... but the bees won't come near it." "Same with this." "It's better mouse-trap." "Come to think of it" "I shouldn't be surprised if the mice don't keep the bees out... or the bees keep the mice out... one or the other." "But why would you need a mouse-trap?" "You won't find many mice running around on the backs of horse's." "But if there were he'd be protected, wouldn't you old chap." "Are you alright?" "I hope you've got your hair fastened on tight?" "Only in the usual way." "Well, that's not good enough." "The wind is as strong as soup around here." "You must be ready for anything." "Then nothing can frighten you." "You don't seem to have much riding practice." "What makes you say that?" "You keep falling off your horse." "I've had plenty of practice at that... plenty of practice." "Yes, I suppose you have." "The art of riding is to keep your balance." "Hold this." "What is it?" "I forget but I know it was a bargain..." "Plenty of practice... plenty of practice..." "Mr Knight!" "You see, our bodies are driven by our legs and our legs are driven by our feet..." "How can you go on talking when you're like this?" "Like what?" "Head-downwards and body in the air." "What does it matter where my body happens to be?" "My mind goes on working just the same." "It's a hive of activity." "Ideas!" "Ideas!" "Ideas!" "In fact the more head-downwards I am, the more I keep inventing things." "The cleverest thing I ever invented I thought of head-downwards." "And what was that?" "A new pudding." "Come to think of it, I don't believe that pudding was ever cooked." "Why, what was it made of?" "Blotting-pepper!" "Uh, that wouldn't have been very nice." "Not very nice alone... but mixing it with other things like gunpowder and sealing wax gives it a true taste of the Cordon-Bleus..." "Now I must leave you." "I've still dragons to slay and young ladies to rescue." "You look worried." "You're too young to worry." "Look at me I don't worry." "Well, I was thinking about the things I have to do when I go home..." "You're going home?" "I don't want to but perhaps I should." "Just be brave." "And always get back on your horse." "Just keep your balance at all times." "Yes, yes." "Can you tell me the how to get out of the forest?" "Plenty of practice, pl-ahhh!" "Before you go!" "Good-bye!" "Just be brave!" "Mr Knight!" "Oh, Tiger-lily," "I wish you could talk so you could tell me how to get out of this wood?" "I can talk when there's anybody worth talking to." "Can all flowers talk?" "As well as you..." "It isn't manner for us to speak first." "We were wondering if you'd speak." "I thought your face had got some sense on it." "Not much, but some." "Hmm but the colouring's right." "Oh, I don't care about her colour..." "If only her petals curled more she'd be all right." "Aren't you frightened of growing out here, with no-one to look after you?" "There's plenty of trees." "What else are they good for?" "But what good are trees when danger comes near?" "They have a good bark." "You didn't know that did you?" "!" "Silence all of you!" "They're only like that because I can't get at them, they're to close to the ground." "If you're not polite, I'll make you into a chain!" "Daisies are worst of all, next to Snap-Dragons." "How is it that all of you can talk so well?" "I've been in lots of gardens and I've never heard flowers talk before." "Feel the ground." "It's very hard." "Ah, in most gardens the flower-beds are too soft, so the flowers are always asleep." "I see..." "I never thought of that." "In my opinion, I doubt if you ever think at all." "Hold your tongue, all of you!" "Now which way out of the wood?" "That way." "That way." "Ere this way... that way!" "Definitely that way." "That way!" "That way... er." "Over there!" "Don't step on us!" "Look, we're standing still as waxworks." "And if you think we're waxworks you should pay for the privilege of looking." "Wax-works aren't made to be looked at for nothing." "No-how!" "Contrariwise, if you think we're alive, we ought to introduce ourselves." "I am Mr Tweedledum and this is Mr Tweddledee." "I'm Alice." "Does the name Veronica Buff mean anything to you?" "No, who is she?" "I don't know but we're obviously doing her a favour mentioning her." "Do you think she'll be grateful if she becomes famous?" "No-how!" "I was just thinking of that poem of you two." ""Tweedledum and Tweedledee." "Agreed to have a battle." "For Tweedledum said Tweedledee" "Had spoiled his nice new rattle." "Just then flew down a monstrous crow." "As black as a tar-barrel." "Which frightened both the heroes so." "They quite forgot their quarrel." "There's no monstrous crow!" "You recited that poem very nicely." "Congratters... but it isn't us," "No-how!" "No it's another set of er Tweedledums and Tweedledees." "Altogether completely different people, the names are the same." "Contrariwise, you began all wrong." "Yes yes." "After you said "I'm Alice", you should've said "How do-dee" and shake hands." "Da-daa," "Now shake!" "Here we go round the mulberry bush, the mulberry bush, the mulberry bush." "Here we go around the mulberry bush," "On a cold and frosty morning." "Twice around is enough for any dance!" "I hope you're not too tried?" "No way, no way." "Thank you for asking." "As we began with poetry and song, let's continue that way." "I'm sorry I haven't the time." "Neither have we." "We never carry a watch." "No-how!" "The poem's called "The Walrus and the Carpenter"." "You'll love it." "Da-daa!" "You start brother mine." "The sun was shining on the sea." "Yes, yes, yes..." "The Sun was shining on the sea." "Shining with all his might." "He did his very best to make the billows smooth and bright." "And this was odd, because it was the middle of the night." "The Walrus and the Carpenter were walking close at hand." "They wept like anything to see Such quantities of sand." "If this were only cleared away..." "It really would be grand!" "If seven maids with seven mops swept it for half a year, do you suppose that they could get it clear?" "I doubt it very much..." "And he shed a bitter tear." "Sorry!" "Hello!" "Oooo!" "Oh Oysters, will you walk with us?" "The Walrus did beseech." "A pleasant walk, a pleasant talk along the briny beach." "But we cannot do with more than four, to give a hand to each." "The eldest Oyster looked at him, but never a word he said." "Meaning to say he did not choose to leave the oyster-bed." "But four young Oysters hurried up, all eager for the treat." "Their coats were brushed, their faces washed," "Their shoes were clean and neat, and this was odd." "And why was that?" "Because they hadn't any feet." ""The time has come", the Walrus said, "to talk of many things."" "Of shoes and ships and sealing wax." "Of cabbages and king." "And why the sea is boiling hot," "And whether pigs have wings." ""Wait a bit!" the Oysters cried, "before we have our chat."" "For some of us are out of breath, and all of us are fat." "There really is no hurry." "We thank you very much for that." "A slice of bread is what we chiefly need." "Pepper and vinegar besides are very good indeed." "So if you're ready, Oysters dear, we can begin to feed." "But not on us!" "Not on us!" "See we're turning a little blue." "After such kindness, that would be a dismal thing to do!" "Yes, it was very kind of you to come!" "And you're very nice" "Give another slice, my friend give us another slice." "I wish you were not quite so deaf, I've had to ask you twice!" "Well, it seems a shame I must confess to play them such a trick." "When we've brought them so far, and made them trot so quick!" "Look at this, oh look at this The butter's spread too thick!" "I weep for you, I really do:" "I deeply sympathize" "With sobs and tears he sorted out those of the largest size." "Holding his pocket handkerchief before his streaming eyes." "Oh Oysters," "I have to say, you've had a pleasant run!" "Shall we be trotting home again!" "But answer came there none." "And this was scarcely odd because" "They'd eaten every one." "O woeful, weeping Walrus, your tears are all a sham." "You're greedier for oysters than children are for jam." "So what's the verdict?" "I like the Walrus best because he did feel a little sorry for the oysters." "Chaa!" "He ate more than Carpenter." "In that case I like Carpenter better... if he didn't eat as many as Walrus." "He ate as many as he could get." "Then they're both very nasty characters..." "Duh!" "Is that a lion or a tiger?" "Worse!" "What is it?" "It was the Red King snoring." "Yes he's the King of Heart's lazy, no-good brother." "Every family has one." "Except ours..." "We've got two." "Come let's have a look at him." "He'll catch a cold lying there." "He won't mind, he's dreaming about you." "You're only a sort of thing in his dream." "Yes if he woke up now, you'd go out... puff!" "I would not!" "Besides if I'm only a sort of thing in his dream, then what are you two?" "!" "I'm going!" "Well, all's well that ends well." "What is that?" "!" "It's your rattle." "You left it in the grass!" "It looks a bit battered." "Uh!" "It's spoilt!" "Don't get so upset about an old rattle." "Old!" "It isn't old!" "I bought yesterday." "It's brand spanking new!" "There's only one thing for it." "Get a new one." "Nothing so simple." "No, no, no." "We have to fight for the honour of the Tweedles." "Right!" "Ned Tweedledum versus the superior strength and skill of Fred Tweedledee." "Frankly it's a bitone-sided." "I know..." "I was an advisor to the British Army." "Wha!" "I advised them not to take him but they wouldn't listen." "This is fighting talk." "Urrrrxxx... knikk... grrrrrgninch... so is this!" "She must help us dress for it..." "amour... to protect our vital parts." "Whatever the outcome dear brother, I shall remember you in my will." "No money of course, but I shall write "I remember you Fred"." "I appreciate the thought but I'd rather have the cash, Ned." "Why are you only wearing one sock?" "I'm trying to save money." "Do I look pale?" "A little." "Generally of course I'm very brave but today I have a headache." "And I've got a... a toothache..." "Which makes us even!" "You'd better not fight today then." "Oh, we must have a bit of a fight, it's expected" "And all because of a rattle!" "Yes, well I wouldn't have minded but it was brand new!" "It seems a bit petty." "Yes, indeed!" "That's exactly why it's so important." "Arrghh!" "The Blues!" "The Blues!" "It's the crow!" "The monstrous crow!" "Alice, you are hereby and forewith summoned to attend the trial of Sir Jack, the Knave of Hearts." "How do I look?" "Too early to say." "Try it again on soprano-sax." "What are they doing?" "They can't have anything to write, the trial hasn't begun yet." "They're putting down their own names in case they forget them by the time the trial is over." "Stupid things." "How do you spell stupid?" "S-T" "What's after T?" "Dinner!" "Is it dinner time?" "It's dinner time!" "No it isn't." "I was sure it was dinner time, my stomach feels like my throat's been cut..." "Silence in Court!" "Quiet!" "Silent!" "It's your own fault Cedric." "You're too easy." "Chop off more heads." "It's wonderful!" "Chop, chop and there's blood everywhere..." "It makes you proud to be Queen." "He missed!" "Oh he did?" "Nevermind, I felt it anyway." "I'm not going to be called, am I?" "Called what?" "I don't want to stand up in front of all these people." "Why am I here?" "To save Jack from a death worse than fate." "Clerk of the Court, read the accusation!" "The Queen of Hearts, she made some tarts." "All on a summer day." "The Knave of Hearts, he stole those tarts." "And took them right away..." "Oh, I confess!" "I didn't do it!" "And I'm glad, glad, glad I didn't do it!" "And if I had my time again, I probably still wouldn't do it." "Bang!" "An open and shut case." "That can't be right!" "Did you say something, Alice?" "No." "I'm glad that's over." "Members of the jury, twelve good pigs and true you must retire and consider your verdict." " Not yet!" " Why not?" "There's a great deal more to come before you can say that." "That's odd - not to say strange." "Gentlemen of the jury it's obvious the accused is guilty." "Put aside the evidence and look at his face..." "It is the face of a habitual criminal." "A hardened felon, a recalcitrant rogue..." "What is it?" "We're lawyers for the defence!" "Oh, I... er... rest my case." "Call the first witness." "Call the first witness!" "CALL the first witness!" "Call the first witness!" "Call the first witness!" "Call the first witness!" "Call the first witness!" "Call the first witness!" "Good day!" "Good day!" "Snap!" "I'm sorry about bringing these things in with me but I hadn't quite finished my tea when I was sent for." "He never finishes his tea." "It isn't healthy, all those cucumber sandwiches." "Look at his legs!" "I can't." "That's what I mean!" "He's got a case of "cucumber legs"." "The worst I've ever seen and I've seen a few in my time." "Well you're a fine one to talk tubby!" "You ought to have finished tea." "What time did you start?" "I'll have to ask Mr Hare." "Send for him..." "I didn't finish the sentence." " You haven't passed one yet, Your Majesty." " Oh, that's right." "When did we start tea?" "Fourteenth, wasn't it?" "Fifteenth." "Sixteenth." "Write that down." "Fourteen, fifteen and sixteen." "Fourteen, fifteen and sixteen." "Now, subtract, multiply, and convert to grams and kilos." "What's the answer?" "They're slow." "They should be able to do it in their heads." "Off with them." "That hat!" "Disrespect of this Court." "Take it off!" "And his head with it." "I can't, Your Honour." "Why can't you take it off, pray?" "It isn't mine." "Stolen!" "Members of the Jury, write that down!" "Stolen hat, one." "This man is a self-confessed thief and he has the gall to come into this court as a character witness!" "The King seems very prejudiced." "Oh thank you, Alice." "That's what makes me so eminently qualified to be a judge." "Oh yes!" "Don't I know you?" "I sell hats." "I've none of my own." "I'm um um a hatter." "Then why didn't you say so." "That's the first thing you should've said." "Now give us your evidence." "Don't be nervous..." "Oh no no no..." "Or we'll execute you on the spot." "I'm not nervous." "I've nothing to hide." "Done my duty, served my country..." "I do know you." "Didn't we meet in Biarritz in the summer of '41?" "Or wasn't it Heidelberg?" "Hatter!" "Your evidence!" "He' s just making him more nervous." "Stay calm, Mr Hatter!" "I'm a poor man, Your Honour, and I haven't had my tea." "And what with the sandwiches getting ruined after being eaten once... and the twinkling of the tea cups..." "Twinkling?" "You're the "Twinkler"!" "I remember, you sang at my concert "Twinkle, twinkle little..."" "Twinkle, Twinkle little gnat." "How I wonder what you're at." "You are very small indeed you can vanish up my sleeve." "Up my sleeve, up my sleeve." "You can vanish up my sleeve." "We don't do encores." "But we're available for weddings and funerals." "You did sing at my concert." "But this was even worse!" "I've been practicing!" "It's an offence against all we hold dear." "Cedric, this man ruined my concert just as he's ruining your trial!" "Oh!" "Sire, I'm a poor man," "I stand before you full of remorse and malnutrition." "When Mr March Hare said..." "I deny it!" "I object." "Objection denied." "Ask Dormouse." "Ask Dormouse what?" "I can't remember." "You must remember or I'll have you executed!" "Stand your ground, Mr Hatter!" "I'm a very poor man, Your Majesty." "And a very poor actor!" "Ooooo." "Suppress that cheering." "If that's all you know, you may stand down." "Well I can't get down any lower, I'm on the floor as it is." "You may go." "Would you like another chorus of "Twinkle"?" "GO!" "Take off his head outside!" "Call the next witness." "What about me?" "What about you?" "I'm the accused." "All you do is call witnesses!" "It's not fair." "I should have the most important part here." "I haven't said a word for pages and pages..." "What did you want to say?" "I'd just like you to know that I have no need to steal." "I'm independently wealthy." "I've all the money I need for the rest of my life provided I die by one am tomorrow morning..." "We'll try and arrange it." "Well, that's all right then." "Jack's an idiot." "He's your nephew." "Only on my Father's side." "That's my cook." "How dare she!" "Give your evidence." "Shan't!" "Shan't?" "Shan't... shan't!" "What now?" "Your worship must cross-examine the witness." " Oh must I?" " Be a man, Cedric." "Be a man!" "Oh, very well." "What are the tarts made of?" "Ere what about repeating the question, kind sir?" "I recognize your accent..." "Girton College?" "No, I went to Oxford, Misses." "You poor devil, and what did you study?" "Ow to speak like this!" "The witness will answer the question." "What are the tarts made of?" "Pepper, mostly." "Treacle." "What did he say?" "Treacle!" "That's Mr Dormouse!" "He's no right to be here." "Off with his whiskers!" "Call the next witness!" "Call Alice!" "I'm sorry." "What's the matter Alice?" "I don't like being called up here like this." "I should like it, if it happened to me." "Yes, most people like being the centre of attention." "Now, what do you know about this business with the tarts?" "Nothing whatsoever!" "That's very important." "Unimportant, Your Majesty." "Unimportant, of course, is what I mean to say..." "Unimportant." "Unimportant." "Important." "Unimportant." "I've told you all I know." "I'd like to go back to my seat now." "We're moved by your plea, but I am reminded of Rule Forty-Two:" "All persons more than a mile high have to leave Wonderland." "I'm not a mile high." "You are." "More like two miles high!" "You just invented that rule." "It's the oldest rule in the book." "Then it should be Rule Number One!" "Careful Cedric, they're taking over the Court, especially that girl." "Punish somebody." "You've too much to say for yourself Alice." "Jury consider your verdict." "No!" "Sentence first, verdict after." "That's stupid!" "Have a care, Alice!" "I can't let you condemn an innocent man." "Why not?" "It happens all the time." "Off with her..." "Don't keep shouting "Off with her head"" "in case someone shouts "Off with yours"." "You've lost your last chance of staying here." "It's back to the real world for you, young lady!" "I don't care!" "All the tarts are here so how could the prisoner have stolen them?" "!" "There is no crime!" "Alice!" "Don't you care what people think?" "Not when I'm right." "Are you so confident, young lady?" "Yes I am." "Yes I am confident!" "Then you don't need us anymore." "Alice!" "Alice!" "I'm coming" "I'm here, I'm here." "I'm back!" "Sorry, I'm late!" "We were getting worried." "And now, our daughter, Alice, is going to sing for us." "It's "Cherry Ripe" isn't it, dear?" "No." "I've got a better one." ""Will You Walk A Little Faster Said A Whiting To A Snail"." "Are you sure, dear?" "Yes, I'm sure." ""Will you walk a little faster?" Said a whiting to a snail," "There's a porpoise close behind us, and he's treading on my tail," "See how eagerly the lobster and the turtles all advance!" "They are waiting on the shingle." "Will you come and join the dance?" "Will you won't you, will you, won't you, join the dance?" "Will you, won't you, will you, won't you, join the dance?" "Will you, won't you, will you, won't you, join the dance?" "Well done!" "Enchanting!"