"That Cameron Diaz is hot." "Did you check out the new F-150 yet?" "Dude, it's huge." "I figured after the Lakers game I'll head to Dublins." "Grab some brewskies." "No way, man, there's no snatch there on Mondays." "It's total sausage on weeknights." "You guys see that Saxon got traded?" "lt sucks." "The line will be shit now." "Amen, girlfriend." "What did I say?" "There isn't a straight man in America who doesn't refer to anyone but his girlfriend as "girlfriend."" "I know, but I was so butch when I said it." "I don't care I lost." "I hate games." "Where's the check?" "You should be proud you lost." "I think this whole exercise is a demoralizing case of self-mockery." "This from the man that said, "There's no snatch there on Mondays."" "That's different." "I agree." "If Larry Kramer knew how gay men here spent their time, he'd defect." "Larry Kramer can blow me, okay?" "Because this is fun." "Besides, that was five minutes and thirty-two seconds." "Group record." "Meanwhile, I was saying earlier, that" "Could I have a double-steroid mocha?" "I can't help it that I'm a gym-bunny hag." "Gross." "Yes, Benji." "Yours is a lost cause." "I hate this city." "Everyone is better looking than me." "Cheer up, Jan. You'll make the team next year." "I'm serious." "Fuck off." "It's from the three of us." "And you wrapped it in your pants." "That's very funny." "Well, I'm very funny." """Love, Here I Am. """ "Yeah, it's a joke." "You're the only one that never complains about not having a boyfriend." "Now certain individuals, less familiar with the real Dennis, might interpret that absence of desire to couple as a defence mechanism." "A wall." "In which case, this text will help you overcome your emotional blockage and open yourself up to the possibilities of a relationship." "Okay." "Hint taken." "Come on, just get together." "No, I can't take a picture." "I look terrible right now." "Really, honestly." "Wait a minute." "Look at this." "This isn't bad." "Okay." "Good." "The light is good over there." "Go." "Come on, go." "All right." "Meanwhile...." "A lot of people ask me when I first knew I was gay." "Fact is, I don"t know." "I can"t remember." "But what I do remember, what I can recall is the moment I first realized it was okay." "It was when I met these guys." "My friends." "I still need to find a housewarming gift for my sister and Clubber Lang." "She's been with your sister for five years." "Don't you think you two should get along?" "Meanwhile, don't look now, but right behind me...." "I could kill you." "You act like he never knew we were checking him out." "He wouldn't know I was a fag if I wasn't with you and a cart full of kitchen wares." "What planet do you live on?" "There isn't a person here that wouldn't pick you off the homo tree." "Keep telling yourself that." "You don't believe me?" "Okay." "I'm sorry, miss?" "Excuse me, miss?" "I'm sorry, could you come here?" "This man." "You've never seen him before in your entire life, right?" "Tell me." "Which is it, fag or not a fag?" "I'd have to say big fag." "The first thing I want to say, Larry" "Lawrence." "Remember my thing with that?" "Right." "Anyway, Lawrence the last two weeks we've been going out have been some of the best moments in my dating career." "We've laughed." "We've learned." "We've tripped the light fantastic." "And yet, I just feel like something is just not working." "What do you think, dear?" "I'm not sure." "Fold your arms." "Gosh, yeah." "Big nellie." "It's not you, okay?" "It's me." "I'm the broken piece." "You want to know why?" "It's because deep down inside I'm a lonely person." "Are you reading that off of your hand?" "What?" "No." "You are!" "You're totally reading a script!" "It's notes." "I wanted to say the right thing." "Give me a fucking break!" ""The light fantastic"?" "You don't know what the light fantastic is." "What?" "I got an APB on a Caucasian male." "Brown hair and eyes. 160 lbs, 5'11"." "Suspect is unarmed and has distinct characteristics of a homosexual male." "That's how I'd call you in myself." "You know, you're worse than all the muscle boys combined." "At least they don't presume to want a relationship." "I never said I wanted a relationship." "Then what did you want?" "Something casual." "Linen sports jackets are casual." "Swimwear is casual." "Fucking somebody is not casual." "Okay." "And while we're on the subject, if rumours about your sexual proclivities start popping up around town, you'll know who started them." "Have a pleasant evening, bottom boy." "That is such bullshit!" "Why do you bring them here, strumpet?" "I'm not in the mood for a tirade." "As a person in a long-term relationship I'm going to let you know, what you do is sick." "Whatever." "Where's my apron?" "Number one, you work here." "It's in bad taste." "Number two, if you break up with someone at least have the decency to give 'em better lighting." "I heard that, ingrate." "Record time, Casanova." "You can start your shift early." "Roberto, what are you cutting those with?" "A chain saw?" "This is bruschetta." "You slice the tomatoes thinly." "Jack." "That's Javier." "Roberto is his brother." "If he cuts the tomatoes right, I'll call him Phyllis." "As a person in a long-term relationship you'll never find happiness with a person if you don't mend your ways." "Do you always start with, "as a person in a long-term relationship"?" "It speaks of my authority on matters of the heart." "It speaks of your boyfriend's insanity." "Hey, guys." "Oh, thank God." "You're late." "Sorry." "But you know, it is my birthday." "Sorry doesn't feed the bulldog, sugar." "Go to work." "Saw your prey on the curb." "Nice work." "Last time I use a monologue to break up with somebody." "You coming to the party, Jack?" "No." "I wrapped 100 pieces of cantaloupe in prosciutto to keep them warm." "You didn't, Jack." "I couldn't let you have a birthday without a little of my superior taste and talent." "And in addition to which, look what I got today." "The Broken Hearts' jerseys." "I'll be signing up interested parties all night." "Please, I'm begging you." "No softball team this year." ""No softball team this year"" "Are you crazy?" "This is good PR for the restaurant." "It can't be that good, Jack." "We lost every game we played last year." "And two of those teams only had four people." "No one is forcing you to play, but remember who pays your bills." "Leslie, Queen of Bitchtar." "Your people have come to take you home." "Good evening, Patrick." "It's your brother!" "I'll be right there." "What is it with lesbians and candles?" "I just got home from the office, Patrick, and I'm not in the mood for your shit." "So, what's the gift?" "It's a housewarming present for Anne." "Two months late." "It looks like a coffeemaker." "Well, you can shut your mouth because it's a surprise." "We already have a coffeemaker." "I've seen your old one." "This one is way better." "We got rid of that one." "Didn't she say?" "We have a new Webb 3000." "You already have a Webb 3000?" "Don't worry, sweetie." "It won't be the first time she has returned one of your gifts." "Anne tells me that you're jealous of her vibrator." "How do I look?" "Great." "Where's Hansel and Gretel?" "That's clever." "You sure you don't want to come?" "No, thanks." "He said it will be mixed." "Last time he said that there were 60 men, three women and a parrot." "And the parrot got more attention than the women." "That parrot knew the words to Material Girl." "Shall we?" "Do you have to do that in here?" "We're two blocks from the house." "Parties make me nervous." "I'm relaxing." "Well, can you relax legally?" "What if we get pulled over?" "What will the police do?" "For starters, the whole "arresting" thing." "If we don't go home together, then I hope you'll understand." "Let's not do this thing." "What "thing"?" "This whole eleventh-hour break-up routine." "It's really demoralizing." "I'm not breaking up anything because what there was to break up here was broken up two months ago." "But we still sleep together." "We have sex 'cause we've got a fucked-up friendship, not 'cause we're dating." "I don't want to talk about this." "You never want to talk." "You just want to smoke pot." "Watch the fucking Cartoon Network!" "What's to talk about?" "We're ex-lovers who still screw around." "I want more." "You don't." "I hang on because I love you and wait desperately for the day for you to calm down and wake up and realise you love me." "You hang on because it is easy." "When you say it that way, I sound like an asshole." "Okay." "Wait." "Hold on." "First television crush?" "Easy." "John-Boy Walton." "No." "Yes." "I wanted to be the last one to say good night to him." "No, he had a mole." "Matthew Laborteaux." "Who's that?" "Albert from the Little House." "Wait." "It was the morphine-addiction episode, huh?" "How did you know?" "'Cause you have a thing for bad boys." ""The valley stream is clear enough to reflect even a hair or a whisker." ""Why should I keep this mirror?"" "See, as an artist, it's crucial that I reject the mirror for the stream." "Right." "I'm gonna get a drink." "Do you want to hang here?" "Definitely." "I mean, you know, whatever." "How do you and Benji know each other?" "We fold jeans at Structure." "Okay, my first television crush." "Aquaman." "Aquaman?" "Are you kidding me?" "I knew you'd laugh, but he was blonde and he had a swimmer's build." "I don't like blonde guys." "Boys, I'm not leaving this party until you sign up to be on the best team in the West Hollywood Softball League." "The Broken Hearts!" "So come over here and sign up, guys!" "Free drinks for signatures." "They'll all quit after we lose the first game." "That looks pretty good." "Don't!" "I have to let it set for at least...." "Guess who is outside?" "Who?" "J. Crew Guy from New Year's." "No shit." "At my party?" "Yeah." "Come here." "Right over there by the dining-room table, talking to a bunch of his friends." "There he is." "Oh, my God!" "Shut the door." "It's your birthday star shining on you." "We barely hooked up last time." "He probably doesn't even remember me." "How about you?" "Any luck with the co-worker?" "Not a chance." "Cole moved right in." "I just live with him." "lt wouldn't have worked anyway." "The guy is a total newbie." "He hasn't even told me he's gay yet." "No shit, you can pick them." "I know." "I can't help myself." "They remind me how great it used to feel." "When you first come out and every guy in the room is just...." "Possibility." "Yeah." "Then you find out "we" are the possibility." "Goddamn it." "What?" "Like a Zen master, you must find freshness in the mundane tasks of your world." "That, of course, being the world of retail." "I totally understand what you mean." "It's that book." "He's unstoppable with the book." "What's the book?" "Some book on Zen lessons he found on Dennis' shelf." "One of Cole's exs told him he had no opinion about anything." "He thought it best if he went out and got some." "Dumb and gorgeous people shouldn't use literature in the pick-up pool." "It's like bald people wearing hats." "It's deceiving." "Did you open my gift yet?" "No." "Which one is it?" "Right there." "I didn't know that." "Where's Paul?" "He hasn't answered my pages all day." """Love, Here I Am.""" "It helped me so much in preparing myself for loving Paul." "Thanks, sweetie." "You're welcome, baby." "I'll just put that with my other two copies." "ls there any more ice?" "lce." "Yes, there is ice and I will go get it." "Hark, the party calls." "From New Year's, right?" "I wasn't sure you'd remember me." "Well, I do." "I didn't come in here for this." "That's my frosting." "Den, you have to come upstairs." "It's Taylor." "What's going on?" "You're kidding me." "What's happening?" "Paul finally called Taylor back." "From Hawaii, where he's vacationing with his new boyfriend." "Shit!" "No Streisand, no Bette, no Judy!" "What is a fairy supposed to do here in case of an emergency?" "There must be something" "I'm looking." "There's Celine Dion." "ln hell!" "No, can't" " Well, no, here." "The Beaches soundtrack." "Oh, thank God!" "Track four." "I just heard." "I was left for another man." "Not just any other man, a trainer." "A trainer named Dash." "I was left for a punctuation mark." "We all knew this was going to happen." "Patrick." "It's not like he didn't know Paul was sleeping around." "I tried to warn him before they moved in and he wouldn't listen." "I'm in the room, asshole!" "Nice." "That's what I get for being a friend." "We obviously have two different interpretations of that word." "It means, that when it comes to men you delight in being the bearer of bad news for all of us." "You can disguise it all you want under the guise of "Patrick's good advice."" "But it ain't shit, but a pin trying to pop all of our relationship balloons." "I knew Paul was sleeping with other people." "But he said that we'd work things out." "He promised we'd work things out." "He lied." "I'm sorry." "You know what?" "This is the time of the evening when the prettier boys hook up." "I'm just going to leave now." "He hates me." "No, he'll get over it." "The apartment was Paul's." "He wants me out by Friday." "We have a guest room." "You're more than welcome to it." "I couldn't." "It wouldn't be a problem." "But Cole lives here, too." "I couldn't do it unless you were okay with it." "Well, it's sort of sudden." "But it's Dennis' house, so if he's okay with it, then I guess I am." "Then it's settled." "Dennis, Cole you'll never ever know how much I appreciate this." "I'm going to need your strength now." "See you guys." "What happened?" "Paul dumped Taylor." "Taylor is a wreck." "The party will break up soon, if you want a ride." "Howie, no." "You know, I can't be your Rice-A-Roni." "My what?" "Your Rice-A-Roni." "It's the ultimate '70s game show consolation gift." "The thing everybody knew they'd leave with." "It is not like that." "It's different." "Yeah." "Oh, my." "Don't do that." "You know it upsets me when you do that." "Don't do what?" "You take off your glasses and you rub your eyes." "It means you're speechless." "I still make you speechless?" "Where's your jacket?" "It's in the car." "Let's go." "You want to talk about it?" "What's to talk about?" "Gay men in LA are a bunch of tens looking for an eleven." "On a good night, and if the other guy is drunk enough, I'm a six." "That's not true." "lt is." "I love you, and I know that you mean well, but it is." "Maybe it's time you start hanging out with a different group of guys." "They're the only ones that make it bearable." "Good night, Patrick." "Just before I forget, Leslie and I want to have a baby and since that is impossible for us to do without sperm and since your genes are like mine, we'd like to use some of yours and then it would be like the baby she and I would've had together, had I a penis." "You wouldn't have to sleep with her." "She'd be artificially inseminated." "So, take your time, think about it." "Not to rush you, but we do want to kind of get moving on it right away like within the next couple of ovulation cycles." "Talk to you tomorrow." "You can drive away now." "Okay." "Jack." "Go home." "I'll get the rest." ""Come ye spirits that tend on mortal thoughts." ""Unsex him here."" "Now is not the time for Shakespeare in the Living Room." "No, of course not, it's getting late." "It's only 20 minutes to your next meaningless sexual experience." "Ten, if I'm lucky." "Never if you're really lucky." "Notice how subtly I'm ushering you towards the door." "Notice how subtly I'm ushering you towards a healthier existence." "Good night, Jack." "Happy birthday, Dennis." "I love you." "Don't get nervous." "Little kids and senior citizens don't say it for you to say it back." "We should light a few more candles." "Cool." "We could use a little, you know, some mood adjustment." "How about some music?" "Sure." "Great." "Whatever." "Great." "You like the Carpenters?" "Play something else." "You don't find Karen Carpenter's music even remotely romantic?" "No." "None of it?" "Not Close To You, Rainy Days and Mondays?" "What about the one about Warren Beatty?" "You"re So Vain, that's Carly Simon." "You should go." "What?" "I'm feeling virtuous all of a sudden." "I'm going with this impulse." "I don't get it." "Is this about the music?" "No, it's not." "It's about me." "I can't do this anymore." "We haven't done anything yet." "I can't do what we were about to do." "Sure you can" "You're right." "I can, but I'm tired of it." "You're tired of sex?" "Yes." "No." "I'm tired sex with people who only care what I look like and make up the rest, and I'm tired of doing the same." "I want something more." "Something else." "I want someone who likes my music and I care about in the morning." "I keep forgetting your name because my friends and I refer to you as "J. Crew Guy."" "It's Ted." "Well, Ted, I'm sorry." "Normally, how you look in that sweater would be enough, but just not tonight." "You scared me." "It's my house." "I'm allowed to do that." "ls Cole asleep?" "Yeah, he's asleep." "There's nothing in there." "I checked." "You should try some of the cake." "The icing looks gross, but the cake's pretty good." "This is not what I need tonight." "You are not what I need tonight." "What'd I say?" "I made that cake you just insulted for my own birthday." "It took two hours and I didn't even blow out the candles because my friend's relationship hit Def Con 5." "Bummer." "Everyone knows that birthday wishes are the only ones with any real validity." "I plan on writing to the committee for an extension." "Why write?" "Now you made the deadline." "Come on." "Make your wish." "Thank you." "Kevin." "You must be "Ennis."" "That's "Dennis." Somebody ate the "D."" "Are these yours?" "Yeah." "I found your darkroom when I was looking for the bathroom." "So I figured you were a photographer or something." "Or something." "I like this one." "It was my first class assignment." "We had to find an inanimate object that represented our emotional state." "I'd just come out the closet, and hadn't met any of my friends yet but I was still feeling this sense of strength and independence." "I think it looks lonely." "You're Benji's friend?" "Yeah." "More sort of co-worker, but I like him." "Apparently not enough." "What's that mean?" "Between you and me, I think you kind of dashed his hopes tonight." "You've been a hot topic of conversation ever since you joined the Structure family." "What, like he's been talking about me?" "Relax." "It's just a crush." "I mean, you should be flattered." "By the next full moon, he'll have a new one." "It's his way." "I don't get you guys." "Is that all you do, just sit around and talk about men?" "Either that or we talk about men." "Yeah, well, I think that's really gay." "You're not out, are you?" "What?" "You're not just a newbie." "You're not even out to anyone." "I don't think it's anyone's business." "lt isn't." "I'm getting sick and tired of being asked." "I can imagine." "Why do I have to tell anyone anyway?" "Maybe I'm straight." "Maybe I'm gay." "Maybe I haven't decided." "Maybe I should say good night." "Yeah." "Good night." "You're right." "It looks lonely." "I can't decide if my friends are the best or worst thing that happened to me." "Clearly, without them my life would be a lot less fun." "But with them, I don't know if I'll ever be able to have a life of my own." "Do you know what I'm talking about?" "Do you wanna keep it short on top?" "Yeah." "I know they're my friends, I just don't know if I can trust any of them." "Especially when it comes to men." "When I introduce someone, they're all over him." "Watch your posture, all right?" "I'm sorry." "Take for instance the party the other night." "Taylor's boyfriend broke up with him." "Howie went home with Marshall again." "Benji's quasi-boyfriend slept with Cole and my sister ends the evening with a plea for my sperm!" "It's like one big gay soap opera." "I keep waiting for Sue Ellen to wander into my living room and tell me she secretly bought controlling interest in my oil company." "I was watching this documentary about this tribe of monkeys in Somalia...." "Benji told me about this documentary he saw about a tribe of monkeys...." "In Somalia." "They hang out together until mating season, then just like that...." "They attack each other." "It's survival of the fittest." "I thought to myself, that's our group." "That's us." "We're those monkeys." "I'm the monkey with the image problem." "The only one who's unphased by anything is Cole." "I'm mean just look at him." "He's gorgeous." "Completely straight acting." "He's the ultimate meanwhile and he has no soul." "My dad would sleep with Cole." "If you ask me, Cole is precisely what is wrong with this group." "We all want to be him, but we're all afraid to admit it." "Actually, Howie would probably admit it." "I want to be Cole." "Why can't I be Cole?" "Why can't God have made me Cole?" "My friends get a haircut with this." "It's not like I want to be Cole or anything." "He just makes it all look so easy." "I just wish it was." "You know, that easy to let someone in." "To get a boyfriend." "To be beautiful." "Thanks, Betty." "You always know just what to say." "It's a gift." "Where's my living room?" "It's here." "I just shifted it around." "No." "This is your living room." "You didn't shift my living room around." "You shifted it out and yours in." "So, where is my living room?" "Distributed evenly around the house." "Distribute it back." "lt took me all day." "Start now, you'll be done in time to set your curlers for bed." "Okay, Dennis." "Think of it this way:." "A furniture arrangement is like a new hairstyle." "You have to live with it for a while before you can tell if you like it or not." "That's not true." "I haven't had a shag, but I wouldn't have to live with one for a few days to know that I don't want one." "Hey, Den." "Hey." "Thank God, you're home." "Thanks to Mufassa, it's a Tunisian hut." "Why do I even try?" "I have amazing news." "This casting director is bringing me in for this role in a Kip Rogers movie." "That's terrific." "Except I don't have any headshots." "You need to make a headshot?" "Bingo." "Go get your negatives." "I love you." "You're a fucking godsend." "I hear Kip Rogers is a big fag." "Kip Rogers is not gay." "He's married." "Please." "That's right up there with, "He's not gay, he's in a fraternity."" "My agent thinks I have a really good shot for this one." "He says they're just looking for a face." "Doesn't that bother you?" "What?" "That people think I'm attractive?" "That that's all they think." "That's not necessarily true." "When was the last time you got asked to audition for a role?" "It's always they want a look, or a face, or nice eyes" "So what?" "Who gives a fuck?" "That's my way in." "What matters is whether or not I have the shit to back it up." "I guess." "What's with this Kevin kid?" "You like him?" "Yeah, he's nice enough." "That's how you feel? "He's nice enough."" "Do I agree with his ideas on the Middle East" "Forget I asked." "My God, Den, it's been a week." "Who knows what I feel?" "If this is gonna be another random you sleep with and dump" "Another?" "Agree." "You don't have the world's best track record." "You haven't taken home the gold." "This isn't about me." "Maybe it should be." "What's your excuse for not settling down with a scamp?" "You don't even call back." "At least I have the decency to date them for awhile." "Which brings me to my point:" "Why lead somebody on when you know it's not gonna work out?" "Because what if it does?" "A relationship can't be built on lust." "No, no more than you can base one off a cup of coffee and good conversation." "But that works just fine for a first date." "There it is." "Well...." "Have you gained weight?" "What?" "Where?" "I can"t help it." "Every night, at about eleven, it hits." "This awful, gnawing panic that I may have to spend another evening alone." "So I go over there." "It's called being horny." "It's not horny." "I know horny." "I've taken an entire lecture series on horny." "They have lecture series on horny?" "They don't call them that." "You think I should paint my toenails again?" "Anytime you hags wanna join the game." "I hate the outfield." "There's too much action." "Hey, where did my mitt go?" ""Oh, say, can you see"" "Are you ready for this?" "Are you ready for this one?" "Attaboy, Taylor!" ""With a monarch's voice cry havoc and let slip the dogs of war!"" "Strike!" "Our first game of the season and they pit us against the Hollywood Firemen." "Not only are they better than us, they're a physical distraction." "All right." "Good play." "Look at that." "Strike two!" "You know, if he was smart he'd just hurl himself in front of the ball." "It's the law of fractions." "You're insane." "Howie thinks one of the other players is gay." "It's a known fact that one out of every ten men is gay." "Including the bench, they've got 11 players." "Do the math." "I dare you to share that with them." "Thank you." "Cole?" "Where's Cole?" "He's up after Will." "I'll get him." "Strike three!" "You're out!" "I don't understand why they don't let me hit off the tee." "Shut up, bitches!" "Cole?" "You're up in two." "Thanks, Den." "So, still deciding if you're gay?" "I'm going with the shortstop because he's the only one with his shirt tucked in." "Benji, hold these." "If you had to pick a 'mo off the other team, who would it be?" "No problem." "Catcher." "Catcher?" "The biggest meanwhile is really G?" "People think I'm crazy." "Cole, the guy's a total breeder." "First round at Jack's says I'm right." "Hey, Willie!" "Who's the coach?" "Yes!" "That's Jack." "He loves baseball and Hawaiian shirts." "Shakespeare fan, huh?" "Classically trained." "Before he opened the restaurant, he was a stage actor in New York." "See that man?" "That's his partner of 20 years." "Plays piano at the restaurant." "Comes to all the games." "We call him "Purple Guy," for obvious reasons." "Yeah." "Wow." "Hey, Mr. Catcher you got a name?" "Sure." "It's a low and inside." "Strike!" "Thanks for the tip." "Next time listen to me." "My friends and I have a little bet going that one of you fire boys plays in our league, if you know what I mean." "It's interesting." "Who did you bet on?" "You." "Ball!" "So, do I win?" "What tipped you off?" "Well, I've been up to bat twice." "Twice I've caught you staring at my ass." "Ball!" "What are the chances of me getting your number?" "Sorry, I'm seeing someone." "So was I." "Strike two!" "Two and two, batter!" "I missed that one on purpose, so that I could ask again." "What are the chances of getting your number?" "What are the chances of you hitting a home run?" "Print neatly." "You ever talked to him?" "The Purple Guy?" "No." "I thought I heard him say "hi" to me once." "Turned out it was just a burp." "I wonder what Jack sees in him?" "I don't know." "Whatever it is though he couldn't be happier." "The world's only prompt lesbians." "Well, I'm off." "Wish me luck." "You're not going to do it." "I don't get it." "Are we breaking up?" "See, that's the thing." "That you would think there was actually something to break up implies that we were never really clear on what we had to begin with." "That lack of clarity, you know frightens me." "What?" "What's up with them?" "Cole is breaking up with him." "In the course of six innings?" "What happened?" "He got the catcher's number." "The fucker was right." "Where is Kevin?" "He's not coming." "Obviously." "ls something wrong?" "Jig is up, mister man." "We know about this Heartbreak Hotel you're running." "And we're here to shut that shit down." "Relax, Tex." "All I did was cool things off." "Is that what you were doing behind the bleachers?" "Just cooling things off?" "I had a change of heart." "Shoot me." "You're full of shit." "I'm a little sick of your self-righteous attitude lately." "I mean, you toss one scamp out of bed, and suddenly you are Saint-fucking-Gandhi." "You know what I meant." "Look, bottom line: that kid is a newbie." "I mean, he can't even admit to being gay." "What he needs right now are friends, not a boyfriend." "Where are you going?" "You're right." "What he needs now are friends." "He wants to sleep with him." "Thank you." "We're going to Jack's." "It's one of our losing traditions." "Just fuck off." "You should come." "Everyone gets dumped first time around." "It's the rule of all newbie relationships." "What happens next?" "Do I become like you and your friends?" "You don't even know my friends." "I know them enough to know you're a bunch of bitter..." "...jaded" "Fags." "Go on, say it." "I wasn't gonna say that." "You should." "Maybe then you would be less afraid of what it means." "Why can't everything just slow down?" "I promise." "It will." "But you can't go back now." "At least still have a cup of coffee with me." "One condition." "What?" "West Hollywood is that way." "Show me one thing you find interesting that way." "So you come here a lot?" "You could say that." "I think next to Karen Carpenter this place is the closest thing to perfection I know." "The Carpenters?" "Now that I get." "You like the Carpenters?" "Oh, insanely." "Well, here's to your first OGT." "Obviously Gay Trait." "Mine are:" "love of the Carpenters, culinary interests and intense fear of blood sports." "I don't get it." "Why be friends with people just because you're all gay?" "That's not why we're friends." "It may be why we became friends, but that's not why we're friends." "Doesn't that drive you crazy?" "Of course." "At least six times a year, I threaten to move to Europe like my brother did." "Only I wouldn't go just a few months." "I'd stay." "I'd bring my camera." "Finally take my time developing a photographer's eye." "Really find my voice." "And then something happens." "My birthday, summer parties, Christmas great night of dancing when I'm with them." "Suddenly I can't imagine being anywhere else." "So I stay." "Have you told anyone what you're going through?" "A few people." "Like?" "My sister." "That's worth at least ten points." "It wasn't planned." "I was home last Christmas and she caught me." "With a guy?" "No." "Alone." "By myself." "Flying solo." "To what?" "Gay porn?" "Oh, no." "Worse than that." "An article on Antonio Sabato Jr." "I thought my mom would be cooler." "She was a '60s love child." "In high school, she caught me smoking pot with my friends." "All she said was, "l hope you didn't pay market for that."" "But when I told her that I was gay, she didn't talk to me for a month." "How is she now?" "She's better." "Still refers to the homosexual population as "the gays."" "Like they live on her block or something." ""Dennis, I see the gays had a parade." "Did you go?"" "My dad would've been different." "You didn't tell him?" "He died before I told anyone." "My biggest regret, he died not knowing me." "You can't say that." "I mean, maybe he didn't know you were" "Kevin!" "He died not knowing me." "We just want your sperm." "We're not asking you to move in." "What about cousin Geoffrey?" "He has our genes, he could donate." "Geoffrey is a Promise Keeper and a member of the NRA." "He doesn't have any genes I'm interested in." "I'm sorry." "My answer still stands." "We should've just drugged him and jerked him off." "Drugged me and jerk" " Do you hear this?" "This is the woman you'd be a mother with." "She's being serious." "Okay." "You two want the truth." "Here it is." "You can't keep a philodendron alive." "How are you gonna take care of a child?" "We haven't even discussed the realities of what this kid's gonna have to deal with." "Can you answer the question, "Mom #1, why is Mom #2's brother my dad?"" "Look at the three of us." "What kind of Christmas card is this gonna make?" "You know what?" "I don't have to listen to this." "I'm doing this for your sister because she wanted to involve you in this." "She had this funny idea that maybe if we did you'd get your shit together and start taking responsibility for your life." "But I can see that you'd rather not." "And that's fine with me." "I'm going to get the car." "Is that what this is about?" "Some sort of mission to save me?" "Patrick, when you came out you said it was because you couldn't live the rest of your life in misery." "I've never seen you more miserable." "I'm sorry, gentlemen, the evidence is rudimentary." "There's not one film in the cinema canon that portrays a gay man that any of us would aspire to be." "What are our options?" "Noble suffering aids victims the friends of noble suffering aids victims..." "Stylish confidants to lovelorn women." "Just once I'd like to see a gay character that is not sick has not been laid in about three months and is behind on his student loans." "That's someone you would aspire to be?" "What?" "It would be someone real." "Imagine if they made a film about us, our group of friends." "Then we wouldn't have to go around comparing ourselves to Steel Magnolias." "Excuse me." "My goodness." "He's so Sally Field." "I thought I was Sally Field." "No, you're Shirley MacLaine." "You...." "Which one am I?" "Julia Roberts." "Put it there, honey." "Howie?" "What are you doing here?" "We agreed not to see each other in public." "I didn't know you would be here." "We had a game today." "We always come here after the game." "I'm telling you, I forgot." "Whatever." "Since you're here, if you want to join us for a drink." "I can't." "You can't?" "I've been trying to tell you that I can't" "There are no tables available, so it might be awhile." "Perhaps it's too busy here." "We should go to the movie." "Cool." "Patrick." "I didn't see you out there." "I came in the back." "I felt like an emergency piece of cobbler before I went out and faced the crowd." "How did it go with the girls?" "It went." "I miss anything?" "Same old song." "Howie was going on about gay cinema." "Sometimes I wonder what you boys would do if you weren't gay." "You would have no identity." "It was easy when you couldn't talk about it." "Now it's all you talk about." "You talk about it so much that you forget all the other things that you are." "When I watch them, it feels so strange." "It's like I'm not even a part of it." "They're all so much more attractive than I am." "Patrick." "No." "You know what?" "I don't mind." "Really, I don't." "I kind of like being attractive by association." "It's the closest I've ever got to feeling beautiful." "Come help me put my dress on." "Jack, you're not going out in drag tonight." "It's Saturday." "The crowd expects it." "The madness has got to stop." "You don't like wearing women's clothes." "So?" "So, it's a disgrace to drag performers everywhere." "Big fucking deal." "And it completely plays into the whole gay stereotype." "Again." "Big fucking deal." "And your tits are always crooked." "No shit?" "Nobody ever told me that." "Well, they are." "Here." "Come here." "I've never felt a man up before." "Yeah, that's good." "Okay." "Zip me up, okay?" "Okay." "All right." "Everybody can't be the same, Patrick." "Everybody can't be straight." "Everybody can't be beautiful." "Some people are just gay and average." "We're the strongest, I think." "Hello, boys." "Hello." "I'm sorry." "I know we were supposed to start two hours ago." "But you know what they say, better "latent" than never." "So, to start with, I'd like to do a number from my first platinum album Colour me Jack." "Hit it, honey." ""Shall we join the ladies?" ""Yes do, let's join the ladies, and make one" ""Great big lady"" "Are you sure you don't want to come in?" "I do." "I'm just not ready for it." "I have the same number as Cole, so" "Don't worry." "I'll call." "Okay." "Good night." "'Bye." "Hey." "Just checking a page." "I'm betting it's the fireman which, incidentally, would be record time." "I just wanted to apologize for earlier." "About Kevin." "Hey, no problem." "Holy shit!" "What is it?" "No way." "It's my agent." "What's he saying?" "I got the part." "I got the part in the movie." "You're kidding me?" "Oh, my God." "I leave in a week to shoot for a month in Phoenix." "I got a part in Kip Rogers' movie." "I'm going to be in a movie with Kip." "Cole, this is incredible." "No kidding." "It's a small part, but Jesus Christ" "I heard Kip Rogers was gay." "He's not gay." "He's married." "I gotta tell the other guys." "They're gonna freak." "Hey, listen." "Tell the other hags I'm leaving, okay?" "I'll see you tomorrow." "Where are you going?" "To my sister's." "To see if it's not too late to change my mind about this baby thing." "What happened?" "Nothing." "Nothing ever happens." "That's the whole point." "You scared the shit out of me." "What are you doing here?" "I just wanted to let you know that I think it's great that you're dating again." "Yeah, it is." "And it's not that I'm giving you my approval, but I am approving." "I'm going inside now." "Wait." "Howie" "Come on." "Let me just come inside." "Just for a minute." "Until you get off?" "That's not true." "No, you'll be kind enough to share your latest theory on why Snagglepuss was the first gay cartoon character." "You know, if memory serves it's your post-coital hashish bonfires that sent me running." "That's such a convenient argument." "My pot smoking is the source of all our problems?" "God forbid it was symptomatic of our fucked up relationship." "I'm the one that studies relationships for a living." "Ours was quite normal." "Normal?" "When did you once express any physical affection outside of the bedroom?" "Do you know, Brian actually held my hand in public tonight?" "Do you have any idea what it's like to be with someone who's not scared to do that?" "You know, I congratulate Mr. Gorgeous on his issueless existence." "Oh, so that's what this is about." "Brian is better looking than you, so I matter again." "But if he was ugly, you wouldn't be here right now, am I right?" "Thanks for not answering that." "You know, Howie, I didn't ask for much from you but it would be nice if your attraction to me had something to do with me." "My ex is dating a print model." "A blonde, gay print model named Brian." "Could that possibly hit on more of my issues?" "He could have a big penis." "Which one of you suggested level eight?" "I'm dying." "Let's take it down to seven." "Six and I buy lunch." "It's a deal." "Maybe he wants you back." "That's not Marshall's MO." "He doesn't have a vengeful bone in his body." "Meanwhile...." "You have the oddest taste." "Sue me." "I don't get it." "For months you've been guilty that it ended." "Finally he's moved on and you sound worse." "Because my guilt I can control." "It's my guilt." "Jealousy is out of my hands." "How can you be jealous about something that you gave up on?" "I don't know." "I just know it's over." "I won't go through any mourning cycle." "I haven't seen Princess Taylor all week." "He's been on my couch, watching old Joan Crawford movies." "When I ask what's up, he gives me this sinister look and mutters:" ""Phase 5, Phase 5."" "The revenge phase." "If I were you, I'd remove all sharp objects from the house." "Is that what they're teaching you in school these days, Young Sigmund?" "Is that the girl from The Young And The Restless?" "I'm so over YNR." "You're excited from the call, but you don't want to sleep with him?" "Even if I wanted to sleep with him, I wouldn't." "You do want to sleep with him?" "Why is it always about that?" "Don't you see what happens to us?" "We come out the closet, we get our hearts stepped on like a Twister game and we end up more bitter than before." "The only thing that keeps us from complete despair are our friends." "I just want him to see that before it's too late." "Before he becomes jaded like us." "In effect, what you're trying to do is save yourself by saving Kevin." "It's classic projection." "You haven't answered" "I don't want to sleep with him." "Bullshit." "Hey." "Benji is talking to Idaho Guy." "Who's that?" "Idaho Guy is Benji's newest crush." "He's been strategically working out near him in hopes that Idaho Guy would notice." "Why do you call him "Idaho Guy"?" "I don't know." "He just looks like he is from Idaho." "It's not one of our better ones." "I'm freaking out." "I was doing squats and he comes over and gives me these tips." "Is that fate or what?" "Maybe I should get his number." "No way, little Benjamin." "Gym bunnies make a bad name for all of us." "Their lives revolve around sex and protein shakes." "And cat tranquillisers." "If you intend on experiencing the joys of a bitter, co-dependent relationship it'll never be with a gym bunny." "Well, I don't care." "I'm going back over there." "I turned around and you were gone." "I wanted to give you this." "It's my number." "Give me a call if you want." "Yeah, definitely." "That'd be cool." "It's no improvement." "I didn't pack a jacket." "I hope Phoenix doesn't get cold at night." "Think we should call a doctor?" "No, he'll be all right." "Just as long as he doesn't start boiling any rabbits." "That Kevin kid called for you while you were at the gym." "He did?" "He said to call him back." "He sounded kind of cold though." "I hope he doesn't still hate me." "They never still hate you." "It's funny, isn't it?" "I'd hate me." "If it makes you feel any better, I'd hate you, too." "Good luck." "Thank you very much." "What is taking him so long?" "I don't know." "It'll just be a minute more." "I had to make a phone call." "A phone call?" "I knew he was gonna pull some shit." "Patrick, what happened?" "I couldn't do it." "I need material." "They don't have material?" "The whole Hustler oeuvre isn't exactly helping my cause right now." "Oh, my God." "It's embarrassing to even be seen in here." "Did you bring the stash?" "You owe me so big for this, hag." "You know my issues with buying porno." "Hurry up!" "Hey, sorry I'm late." "No, it's cool." "Crank it." "Call it crazy, but I have this theory." "Bear with me." "I believe that there are gay numbers." "Gay numbers?" "Yeah." "Have you ever given a thought to the number 38?" "I've seen this sort of thing before, Detective." "The victim in the Miranda case was done the exact same way." "And cut." "That was perfect." "Print." "I was so glad that Sharon set us up." "You know, she mentioned you at her last cleaning, but she said you were involved." "I used to be." "Well, I know how that goes." "Yeah, I was in this long-term relationship with this guy once for five months." "Five months and he broke up with me." "He broke up with me." "He said I talked too much." "Isn't that the most ridiculous thing you've heard?" "I know what you're thinking." "Why would a gay man want to be a gyno?" "I mean, most gay men can't even say the word "vagina" let alone stare at them all day long." "But it never really bothered me." "It's just a word, right?" "Vagina, vagina, vagina." "It's just a word." "Right." "I'll tell you the word that sort of does get me though." "Clitoris." "Why am I shaking?" "It's your first gay club." "You should be nervous." "If anybody attacks you, tell them you're with me." "Things are better with the break-up, I take it?" "Break-up?" "With Paul?" "Paul who?" "It's Phase 6." "It's denial." "I've been looking for you guys." "You want a drink?" "No." "I have water here." "Where's Idaho Guy?" "Where's this new boyfriend?" "Dance floor." "Everybody's here." "Come on!" "Come and dance." "Fly, young one." "Fly like the wind." "Come on, dance with your momma." "So what do you think?" "Ecstasy?" "I don't know." "Probably cocaine." "Should we talk to him?" "They said finishing their fourth shot." "We've all messed around with stuff." "He's having a good time." "Let's go dance." "Dance?" "We're here to attract men, remember?" "Speak for yourself." "This body wants to groove." "Come on." "Howie?" "Howie Mixner?" "Barry." "We had dinner a few weeks ago." "I got one." "Who would you kick out of bed?" "Morley Safer or Mike Wallace?" "Okay, I think this requires a daiquiri break." "I'd say Safer." "Safer all the way." "But, I would kick them both out of bed for Ed Bradley, circa 1980." "I'd kick Wallace." "He always annoyed me." "Who's got the 30?" "What are you doing outside?" "I'm getting the base." "It's July 4." "You don't have a base yet?" "Have you heard from the movie star yet?" "No." "He only called once all month." "I missed it." "He's too busy getting schtupped by Kip Rogers." "When are you gonna get over the fact that just because every gay man in America wants Kip Rogers to be gay, that doesn't mean he is gay?" "You know, I should get going." "You're not staying for the party?" "No, I gotta make an appearance at my parent's barbecue." "'Bye." "Have fun." "'Bye." "I've got another one." "Who would you kick out of bed?" "The Grimace or the Hamburglar?" "Oh, my God." "What?" "It's a good one." "Homo say what?" "Homo say, "Bad party lighting."" "Get out." "Kip?" "Kip!" "Did you lock the door?" "I don't remember." "Shit!" "Kip!" "One second." "You're gonna shoot in five, okay?" "Terrific." "All right." "Cappuccino?" "No, thank you." "I'll see you out there." "Okay." "All right." "That was close." "A little too close." "I have to cancel tonight." "My publicist wants me to do this Access Hollywood interview." "Today is my last day of shooting." "I leave tomorrow." "What would you like me to do about it?" "Cancel it." "Tell them you can't do it." "With what excuse?" ""Sorry, I have dinner plans with the pretty-boy extra I sleep with."" "I'm not an extra." "That's not what I meant." "They have me shooting here for four weeks." "Okay?" "My part is integral to the plot." "I have seven lines of dialogue." "I'm not a fucking extra." "Okay." "I'm sorry I called you an extra." "Jesus." "Look, I'll make it up to you." "I'll fly into LA this weekend and we'll go somewhere discreet for dinner." "All right?" "Okay." "Good." "Wait about ten minutes, and make sure no one sees you before you leave." "Hey, having fun?" "Yes." "Good." "Hi." "There you are." "How you doing?" "Everything all right?" "What happened?" "You told your parents." "Just kind of slipped out." "The three of us were in the kitchen, helping them with dessert and my mom mentioned that she'd made key lime pie." "I said, "That's great." "I love key lime pie and I'm gay."" "I'll bet she wishes she'd made apple pie." "They were great, Dennis." "And then I started thinking, why was I so scared to tell them?" "Why was I so scared to tell everyone?" "If I hadn't met you" "I didn't do anything." "Morning." "We're going to be late for the game." ""Once more unto the breach, dear lads!" "Once more!"" "It's the height of irony really." "Here we are, bottom of the ninth." "Three men on." "Two outs." "Our least able player stepping up to bat." "We're either one hit away from our first victory ever or three strikes away from going down as the worst softball team in history." "If we could just get him to hit it to left field." "The sad thing is, he catches so much better than I do." "Come on, Taylor." "You can do it." "Come on." "Come on, Taylor." "Attaboy!" ""Sweet are the uses of adversity!"" ""Sweet are the uses of adversity..." ""...which, like the toad, ugly and venomous..." ""...wears yet a precious jewel in his head." ""And this is our life..." ""...exempt from public haunt." ""Finds tongues in trees..." ""...books in running brooks..." ""...sermons in stones..." ""...and good in everything."" "Jack was a Shakespeare fan." "That passage from As You Like It was his favourite." "He would've wanted me to share it with you today." "Other than that I'm not good with words." "That was Jack." "I'll just play something." "Hopefully, wherever Jack is he'll sing along." "That's what Jack saw in him." "So where's Brian?" "ln the car." "You look terrific." "You don't have to say anything just because I'm standing in front of you." "I'm not." "I'm just saying...." "Thank you." "I quit smoking pot." "It's not because we're not dating." "It's not because of Brian." "It was just time." "It's weird, you know, how you can need something for so long and then just not need it anymore." "Just like that." "It's so weird, you know." "It's like he's still here." "You're on something right now, aren't you?" "Excuse me?" "You show up late." "You look like shit." "What the fuck did that boyfriend give you?" "He didn't give me anything." "I look like shit because I've been crying." "Unlike you who has yet to shed a tear, asshole." "He just wants to make sure you're okay." "Since I've had a boyfriend, none of you guys have even called." "You stopped calling us." "That's bullshit." "Admit it." "You don't talk to me anymore 'cause I'm in a relationship and you're not." "You're a muscle boy's plaything for a couple of weeks." "That hardly constitutes a relationship." "That's more than you've ever had, you ugly fuck." "His friends they're not like us." "When they go out, when they're together, they're happy." "We're always so miserable." "We make each other miserable." "Why?" "Is it such a bad thing to be happy?" "It is if you have to pay $30 a tab for it." "Yes." "Okay." "What did I miss?" "You don't even want to know." "I just spoke to Purple Guy." "He said he'll meet us at the bar." "I can't go." "I'm supposed to have dinner with some people from the film." "Maybe I'll catch up after." "I'm not going to go either." "I'm going to go home." "I'll talk to you guys tomorrow." "Dennis." "You should go with them." "I thought maybe we could talk about the other night." "We haven't really discussed" "Kevin, now is not a good time." "Could you tell me when is?" "I don't know, but not here and not now." "You've barely looked at me since the other night." "You've spent all week hiding behind this funeral." "Hiding?" "Is that what you think I've been doing?" "Can you even imagine what Jack meant to me?" "To us?" "No, you can't." "You can't know, so don't tell me I've been hiding." "All we did was hook up." "It's not that big a deal." "We can talk about it later." "Yes, you're right." "It's not a big deal." "All we did was hook up." "Hello?" "Yes, this is he." "What?" "Jesus!" "Benji Waters?" "I just got the page." "How is he?" "They pumped his stomach." "We're waiting for him to wake up." "Can I see him?" "No." "Only one person at a time, and Patrick's there right now." "How did this happen?" "Isn't it obvious?" "We weren't there." "Did you two come together?" "I think that's cute." "What is his problem?" "He and Kevin slept together last week." "You, Señor Dishevelled, obviously came from sleeping with Kevin yourself." "Are the clouds lifting?" "Guys, I didn't know." "I've been away all month." "Why didn't you tell me something?" "It was a secret." "Terrific." "The one time you bastards actually keep a secret is the one time it matters." "Now I feel like shit." "I think that's a scientific impossibility." "Dennis, I'm sorry." "It's all right." "Don't be." "I slept with Cole to get back at you." "You did what you should do when you're 23 and just out of the closet." "You did it because I was an asshole." "lt doesn't matter." "I was wrong." "No." "No, Kevin." "I was wrong." "When I slept with you, I knew it couldn't lead to a relationship." "And if there's anything, I've been trying to change lately about myself...." "Well, that would be it." "So what, you're not attracted to me?" "Of course I am." "I've been crazy about you ever since you lit the damn candles." "Kevin you were the wish." "So what's the problem?" "The problem is that I'm not ready for it." "I thought that all a relationship would take was meeting the right person but it's so much more than that." "Like what?" "Like the fact that I'm 28 years old and the only thing I'm good at is being gay." "That's not true." "lt is true." "And I'm okay with it." "I didn't get to be gay for 25 years." "I figure I got some catching up to do." "But I need to move on." "I need to make my life into something else." "Instead of just my friends and the parties." "That's the only way I'll have something to give back to someone." "Do you see that?" "Tell me you see that." "Can't you move on with someone there?" "Not if that someone has a lot of catching up to do." "Hey, guys." "Hey, you." "Hey, hag." "What'd you go and do a thing like that for?" "I'm sorry, guys." "Yeah." "I'm sorry, Patrick." "I'm sorry, too." "I am so Demi Moore in St. Elmo"s right now." "You can be Demi Moore just as long as I'm not Ally Sheedy." "I get to be Mare Winningham." "I don't think anyone's gonna fight you on that one." "Which one do I get to be?" "Rob Lowe." "Because you're just so damn cute." "You can't help yourself." "I love you, guys." "Marshall!" "Marshall, I don't care if you're not alone." "Marshall, open up." "Howie." "What the hell are you doing?" "This." "All right, that's it, asshole!" "Brian!" "Please, get inside." "You told me once you were waiting for me to wake up." "You didn't wait long enough." "I've never been more awake than I am right now." "I admit it." "I fucked up." "No matter who you were, there would've always been something wrong with you and someone better out there." "And I wish that I could change that." "I wish that I could take back all the times that I didn't appreciate having you." "But I'll tell you right now." "I loved you." "I still love you." "It has nothing to do with me, and it has nothing to do with how good looking he is." "It has to do with you." "Beause you are sweet, you're endearing and uncomplicated and you're so beautiful." "I hope that you're happy together." "I hope that this works out, and that he is everything that you need." "Because you deserve it." "But if he's not and it ends I'll be there." "It's my turn to wait, and I'm going to wait long enough." "You really don't need to be here." "I'm here because Anne had a showing and she asked me to be here." "And because the baby book said this is an emotional event." "No matter how tough you think you are, you might need somebody." "ls this ready yet?" "lt takes a second for it to come through." "Why don't you just sit down and let the man do his job?" "Why don't you bite me?" "Why don't you suck my left tit?" "lf I were in the business of sucking tits" "Excuse me." "It's ready now." "That's the baby." "Oh, my God." "Where have you been?" "I've a full restaurant." "I'm a waiter short." "I was at the closing on my house." "Sorry." "Sorry don't feed the bulldog, sugar." "Get your apron on." "Question." "How much does Purple Guy pay you to be such a bitch?" "It's your last night, hag." "So you don't have to worry about that now, do you?" "Surprise!" "I had forgotten Dennis knew this many meanwhiles." "I know, they're from all his house parties." "So, did Leslie tell you?" "We saw the baby." "That is so cool." "So is it a Patricia or a Patrick Jr.?" "It's a Jack." "I'm an actor." "I just shot this film with Kip Rogers." "Kip Rogers?" "I hear he's gay." "No, he's not gay." "He's married." "Okay." "So check this shit out." "Paul called me." "He said he wants to talk and misses me, but just as a friend." "That's good." "It allows you the perfect opportunity for the final phase of all relationships:" "Reconciliation." "Try "closure." I told that bitch to fuck off." "Sorry I'm late." "I got stuck in traffic on the 405." "I told you not to take the freeways." "LA is all about the side streets." "It's for Europe." "It's a carrying case for your camera." "Got your initials on it." "I saw that guy you came with." "He's cute." "Whatever." "We met at a club a few weeks ago." "You know how it is." "I do." "I'll be back." "I'll be here." "Okay, hag." "You ready for your gift?" "Excuse us." "You didn't have to give me a gift." "We didn't get you anything." "You did." "lt was nothing really." "Gentlemen and very few ladies." "I am pleased to present the premiere photo gallery opening of budding photojournalist our very own European-bound Mr. Dennis Schiff!" "Where did you guys get these?" "Taylor and I stole your negatives." "This one is out of focus." "After a few drinks, it'll look fine." "Taylor get the pitchers." "The drinking games are about to begin." "All right, let's play "Who Can Act Straight The Longest."" "A lot of people ask me when I first knew I was gay." "Fact is, I don"t know." "I can"t remember." "But what I do remember, what I can recall, is the moment I first realised it was okay." "It was when I met these guys my friends."