"( theme song playing )" "It's a gas pump, that's what it is." "Very good, Carter." "Looks like they're going to feed the gas from the barracks." "Why do they need a gas pump?" "I can't figure that out." "You've done enough thinking for one day, Carter." "You'll give yourself hives." "SCHULTZ:" "Come on, gentlemen, come on." "Let's go, let's move along." "You don't belong here." "Back, back, back." "Get away from the wire!" "Schultz?" "Back!" "What's going on?" "I know nothing, nothing!" "Come on, Schultz." "If I would know something, I wouldn't even tell myself." "You don't even trust you?" "I'm too smart for that." "Forget it, fellows, he's only a sergeant;" "they don't know anything important." "That's right, the corporal knows better than you." "Oh, ja, I'm only a sergeant?" "Ja, well, is that so?" "Well, they wouldn't have a gasoline pump loading convoys heading for France without telling me!" "So don't you for..." "Don't..." "Don't you forget it!" "Now get away from here!" "Get away from the wire!" "All right, you don't have to scream." "I mean, really." "Quiet!" "SCHULTZ:" "LeBeau..." "I'm warning you!" "There it is, fellows, straight from the horse's mouth." "Clever, these Krauts;" "they refuel the trucks and store all the gas here because they know our side won't bomb a P.O.W. camp." "Kinch, get in touch with the underground in Hammelburg." "Find out if they know anything, huh?" "Right, Colonel." "Hogan, this is none of your concern." "The Geneva Convention forbids placing prisoners of war in danger." "Gasoline is dangerous." "Thank you, Hogan, you're very informative this morning;" "you're also dismissed." "I'll have to file an official complaint with the protecting power." "I have my orders from Berlin." "And you didn't protest those orders?" "In my army, we don't protest, we obey orders." "Now, would you mind?" "What about your pride?" "Do you realize they're making you a commandant of a gas station?" "What?" "Well, just think, you're going to be standing out there and some two-bit sergeant is going to drive up to "Klink's gas station,"" "say, "Fill her up, buddy."" "Out!" "Dismissed." "Then he's going to say," ""You better get that windshield really clean, fella."" "Get out before I have you thrown out." "Okay." "Take 28 pounds of air in the front, 30 in the rear." "( exclaims )" "The gall of that man!" "Insolence, pure insolence!" "( phone rings )" "Klink's gas station." "Heil Hitler." "( telegraph clicking )" "Would you hurry up, Louie?" "My foot's catching pneumonia." "I'm doing the best I can." "It would be easier to make them into spats." "Answer from the underground, Colonel." "They got information on the first convoy." "When?" "Well, they won't transmit it by radio-- too risky." "They expect us to guess at it?" "Well, they want someone to meet one of their people at the Hofbrau in Hammelburg tomorrow night." "And that's not risky?" "Code name:" "Eskimo." ""Eskimo."" "Confirm the meeting." "Right." "Now, wait a minute, Colonel." "We haven't had one of those little surprise inspections from Klink in a long time." "Yeah, he's about due." "Suppose old Blood and Guts picks tomorrow night?" "It's a thought." "Why don't we make sure that Klink pays us a visit." "Colonel, do you feel all right?" "Our beloved commandant does his surprise act." "When it's over, we're in the clear." "Can you do it, Colonel?" "Well, we can try." "I'll need both of you." "Have Kinch tell Schultz I want to see him tomorrow morning, huh?" "Right." "CARTER:" "Uh, Colonel... if you don't mind, will you postpone the war till he finishes my sock?" "Get it done, huh?" "Carter's so temperamental." "O, tu prends ma geule-- il y a un grand trou ici, bien, ici." "Tu crois, ça prend deux heures, ça." "Mais oui, tiens, les cartes..." "One large Kraut approaching, stand by." "All right, make it good." "It's the best escape plan we've had in a long time, mon colonel." "What?" "He said it's the best escape plan we've had in a long time, Colonel." "See, the work detail takes those trash barrels out of camp every morning at 5:00." "I know, I know." "We sneak out of the barracks before it gets light, get into the barrels..." "HOGAN:" "They carry you out with the rest of the junk." "Well, boy, that's not a very nice thing to say," "I mean, even for an officer." "What do you think?" "I already told you what I..." "Uh, uh, Colonel Hogan, you wanted to see me, huh?" "Oh, yeah, just a minute, Schultz." "Look, I can't order you not to try it, but anything could go wrong." "Like what, sir?" "Well, for one thing, suppose you can't sneak out of the barracks." "What would stop us?" "Suppose they decide to double the guards." "You know how erratic these goons can be." "Nothing personal." "Or suppose they try a special formation." "Who knows?" "Klink might even try a surprise inspection." "Gee, I never thought of that." "Hey, it's a frightening idea." "Colonel Hogan, I'm a busy man..." "Just a minute, Schultz." "All I ask is you think it over real good." "Now, just remember this is the toughest P.O.W. camp in all of Germany." "That commandant in there is a killer." "Oui, mon colonel." "Yeah, okay, sir." "Now, what can I do for you, Schultz?" "Uh..." "Sergeant Kinch said you wanted to see me about something." "Oh, yeah." "Remember I promised you something special when the Red Cross packages arrived?" "No, I do not remember." "Uh-huh." "Oh..." "Now it all comes back to me." "That's why you're a sergeant." "What a memory, Schultz, what a memory." "And they have a plan to escape by hiding in the trash barrels." "Trash barrels-- child's play." "But I'm certainly glad that I discovered their little plan." "I thought I discovered it." "Forget it." "So Schultz, you say that Hogan talked them out of their escape plan, huh?" "They got scared." "Colonel Hogan said that this is the toughest camp and that you are a killer." ""A killer," that sounds more like it." "I knew it all the time, but I never mentioned it to anybody." "Tell me, Schultz, why would Hogan talk about an escape in front of you?" "I have no idea." "I know you don't... but I do." "You see, the prisoners plan an escape," "Hogan talks them out of it in your presence, knowing that you will report it to me." "Now, I'm supposed to think that the escape is off when it's really on." "A double double-cross." "Like a swastika." "Yes, like a swastika." "But I will double-double- double-cross them by pulling a surprise inspection anyway." "Delicious, Herr Kommandant, if I may say so." "You may, Schultz." "You know, you've been very alert and efficient and I would like to express my appreciation somehow." "Danke, Herr Kommandant." "May I finish the sausage?" "You certainly may." "Danke." "But don't touch the marmalade!" "( men snoring lightly )" "SCHULTZ:" "Up, up, up, up, up!" "Everybody raus, raus, raus, raus!" "You're going to be counted-- everybody up!" "Gentlemen!" "Gentlemen, sorry to disturb your beauty sleep." "This won't take very long." "Count them, Schultz." "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant." "Hey, hey, hey!" "What's all the excitement?" "Ahh, Colonel Hogan, good evening." "Don't you Germans ever knock?" "I wanted to keep it a surprise." "It's bad taste waking people up in the middle of the war." "Just a minute, Hogan, the count is not over yet." "All right, get on with it." "What's your rush?" "You're not going anywhere." "As a matter of fact, I have a date in town." "Oh, really-- who's the lucky girl?" "It's not a girl, it's an Eskimo." "Good old Yankee sense of humor." "Right, we're going to laugh all the way to Berlin." "( laughing )" "Silence!" "All present, Herr Kommandant." "Very good, Sergeant." "And, uh, gentlemen, you'd better keep it that way-- all present." "A word to the wise." "Pleasant dreams." "Hey, hey, Colonel, what do we do if they come back?" "The Krauts will want to see you." "Hang that on my door, huh?" "( accordion music playing )" "Oh." "Danke." "Very cold tonight." "Yes, spring is definitely late this year." "You picked me out just like that?" "We had a very good description from one of our people." "It's a pleasure meeting an Eskimo in the middle of Germany." "Oh, I am Eskimo." "It's more of a pleasure all the time." "I will get us the beer." "You two can talk." "Eskimo?" "Isn't it customary to rub noses?" "Franz picked the code name for me." "I'll tell him what you said." "I don't want to rub noses with him." "Husband?" "Brother." "So far so good." "Please, we can't stay too long." "Hold it." "We have information from a contact in Berlin." "The first truck convoy will be coming through next week, and they will attempt to use the new petrol station at Stalag 13." ""Attempt" to use it?" "If we let them establish this new station, it will cut the travel time to France and in case of an invasion, it could be vital." "Our orders are to destroy the pumps." "What can we do to help?" "Do the job." "I take back the question." "We can't get near Stalag 13 without risk of capture, but you live there." "Only because we couldn't get a reservation at the Y." "You men know the ground, you have explosives, you have experience." "Will you do the job?" "You want us to blow up our happy home... which isn't a bad idea." "And I've had several complaints about drums of gasoline being stored in and around barracks 12." "( general grumbling )" "Silence!" "Unfortunately, that gasoline will have to remain where it is." "I can do nothing about that." "( vehement complaining )" "Commandant!" "Commandant, could you move the men out of barracks 12?" "We'll put them in the other huts." "Request denied." "( vehement complaining )" "The men will stay in barracks 12." "Their presence will guarantee that no sabotage attempt will be made by any of you." "If you set fire to the gasoline, you will be setting fire to your fellow prisoners." "You sure run a friendly gas station." "I have warned you." "Dismissed!" "Well, there goes the ball game, Colonel." "Hey, if we could get outside that wire, we could blow up that pumping station." "Nah, no good-- the fire'd travel back along the feeder line and blow up the whole barracks." "Yeah, we'd go up like that-- whoosh." "Yeah, you're right." "We're finished, Colonel." "We can still do the job." "Huh?" "We'll need a scale model of the pump, the guard tower, the road and the fence." "I could draw you a map, sir." "I said a model." "It's the only way we can make sure it works." "What's the plan, Colonel?" "There's an old saying, which I just made up:" ""If you can't blow up the gas station, blow up the convoy."" "HOGAN:" "The trucks approach the pump." "The first one pulls up for loading, you three'll be in the bushes carrying delayed-action charges, waiting." "And scared stiff." "Now, the Krauts will fill it, two of you will cross this area here, get under the truck, attach the dynamite, go back, take the cover and wait for the next truck." "And for the goons to find us." "You'll have a little protection." "Newkirk is stealing a German uniform right now." "He'll be out there." "And that's what I call "a little" protection." "I don't think Newkirk would like that." "Now, only two of you will go out at a time." "The third will stay back here with the charges." "That way you'll have more insurance in case of trouble." "Uh, Colonel, I've been studying your little plan." "I await your verdict with breathless anticipation." "Yeah-- no kidding?" "Now, you'll notice there's one teensy little problem, and it's not so teensy." "You see the pump is in line here with the tower." "That means the light from the tower will be on it." "And on us." "Crawling around in the middle of the night loaded with dynamite." "Uh-uh, wrong." "My good man, you put your finger on the very heart of this plan." "Oh, yeah?" "I do that sometimes." "I remember one time back home there was this trouble with my dad's car..." "HOGAN:" "Carter." "You'll notice the angle of the tower with the pump as the trucks approach it." "There's plenty of light here." "Where you guys'll be working will be in the dark." "The truck's body will block the searchlight beam." "Right." "That's a fantastic setup." "Great..." "Well, how do I look?" "Good enough to shoot." "Any questions?" "Yeah, any idea how many trucks in the convoy?" "Well, the enemy doesn't tell me everything." "We don't have enough dynamite or detonators." "All right, Kinch, contact the underground." "Relay message for Eskimo, ask for whatever we need." "Have him deliver the stuff to the Hofbrau." "One of us will pick it up tomorrow night." "Right, Colonel." "You can't go again, Colonel." "That'd be asking for trouble." "Good point, Newkirk, and thank you for being concerned." "You can go." "I wasn't all that bloody concerned." "( accordion playing )" "Abend, fräulein." "Abend." "One beer, small, please." "( coughs )" "( groans )" "Oh, it's not easy getting on these things." "They say that's the first sign of age-- when the bar stool's getting taller." "Ah, there we are." "My, but you're a pretty young thing." "Danke." "And for you, gnädige frau?" "Oh, just a little something to warm me up." "Schnapps?" "Kimmel?" "I'll let you decide, dear." "It's very cold tonight." "Ah, ja." "Spring is definitely late this year." "Oh, for me?" "Danke, handsome." "I very seldom touch alcoholic beverages." "( coughs )" "Donnerwetter!" "That stuff could unravel your elastic stockings." "Well, you've all been so gemütlich," "I'd love to stay and get loaded, but you know how it is." "Auf Wiedersehen." "Auf Wiedersehen." "Let's all do this again sometime." "( coughs )" "Oh, dear..." "( telegraph clicking )" "They just passed through Flenzheim... estimated speed, 25 miles per hour." "There are 22 trucks, one command car." "Flenzheim, Flenzheim, here it is." "Should be here in about two hours." "Yes, yes." "Thank you, Captain Streicker." "Everything will be ready for you." "Heil Hitler." "That was the convoy commander, Captain Streicker." "They're in Flenzheim and they should be here in two hours." "Flenzheim, Herr Kommandant." "Flenzheim, Flenzheim, Flenzheim, Flenzheim, Flenzheim..." "Ow!" "All right, they'll beef up the guard, possibly an hour before the convoy gets here." "Newkirk'll join them and walk a post right here." "Good." "Now, the three of you will come out of the emergency tunnel here;" "you'll take cover." "Wait for the word from Newkirk, then you'll cross the road here into the bushes opposite the gas pump." "Any questions?" "Yes, sir." "Why can't the Krauts buy gas at a regular station?" "And make sure the guard is doubled before the convoy arrives." "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant." "Berlin will be watching this operation." "It's absolutely vital that everything go according to plan." "You can depend on me, sir." "I will be alert and intelligent." "Schultz, when I want a miracle, I'll ask for it." "Watch it." "Report!" "Alles in Ordnung, Herr Kommandant." "Excellent." "Who ordered you to patrol here?" "One of the officers, sir." "Captain Streicker, the convoy commander?" "Uh, ja, ja, Captain Streicker, sir." "Very good officer, he thinks of everything." "Carry on." "Everything in order?" "Uh, jawohl, Captain." "Good, good." "I overlooked this area." "Colonel Klink posted me here, sir." "Oh, good." "Ja, an extra precaution." "No wonder he's a colonel and I'm only a captain." "I hadn't thought of it." "Ja, ja, good." "I thought they'd never leave." "Let's go." "Home Plate to Papa Bear." "Home Plate to Papa Bear." "Do you read me?" "Over." "Papa Bear to Home Plate." "Papa Bear to Home Plate." "Read you loud and clear." "Packages in sight." "Repeat, packages in sight." "Stand by." "Roger." "Packages are in sight." "( explosions )" "Papa Bear to Home Plate." "Jackpot-- all packages untied." "Nice work." "Over." "Jackpot." "Hey, we did it!" "Hey, call back the colonel." "Let's congratulate him on his great plan." "Right" " Home Plate to Papa Bear." "Home Plate to Papa Bear." "Home Plate to Papa Bear." "Come in, please." "Over." "Home Plate to Papa Bear." "Do you read me?" "Over." "Home Plate to Papa Bear." "Home Plate to Papa Bear." "Come in, please." "Over." "Sorry, Papa Bear is busy and can't be disturbed." "Over and out." "The entire convoy blown up less than ten miles from here." "That's terrible." "My part of the operation was perfect" "I'm in the clear." "Any idea how it happened, sir?" "Obviously sabotage." "The Gestapo's investigating it." "Well, better luck with your next convoy." "There won't be another convoy." "My orders from Berlin are to dismantle the pump and get rid of the gasoline." "Now, that should make you happy, Hogan." "I must admit, sir, you, uh, ran the whole thing very efficiently." "Thank you." "Yeah, it would have been no time at all before the Luftwaffe would have had you managing gas stations all over Germany." "I am not a gas station operator." "Now get out of here." "Dismissed!" "Okay..." "Oh, by the way, the escape committee wanted me to ask you, could you get us a deal on 6x16 whitewalls?"