"Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight" " Lenny Henry!" "CHEERS AND APPLAUSE" "Yeah, yeah!" "Good evening, Live at the Apollo!" "CHEERING" "Fantastic!" "I love this show because it's the only one TV with no vampires in it." "Black people in the house say "Ho!"" "AUDIENCE:" "Ho!" "It's like a Tupac convention." "Brixton's empty." "I said that in Winchester once - absolute silence!" "Not one black guy in the entire place." "All right, there was one." "He was in the second row going, "Please don't talk to me."" "Imagine being the only black guy in Winchester." "Wouldn't that be fantastic?" "You'd have a licence to go up to every black woman you see and go, "Excuse me, we have to breed."" "Listen, I've got to tell you this." "The BNP had a Christmas disco - this is absolutely true - the BNP had a Christmas disco and when the DJ arrived, they all walked out because the DJ was black." "The BNP hired a black DJ!" "Their spokesman said, "He sounded white on the phone!"" "What?" "The DJ's got to sound extra black on the phone?" "EXAGGERATED ACCENT:" "Hello, I am the DJ for your Christmas party." "My name is King Bobatoondy Zaniadema Mandela." "Heh-heh!" "APPLAUSE" "My fee is £100, but you can pay me in buffalo." "I think we've come a long way, though." "When I first watched television, there were no black people on it at all." "If somebody black did come on, people thought there was something wrong with the set." "They'd be on the phone to the TV repair man." ""There's a dark bloke on my telly - can you come and get him off?"" "The only black people on TV were the Black and White Minstrels." "They had black shoe polish on their faces and these huge white lips." "Accurate." "AUDIENCE LAUGH" "My mum would be this close to the screen," ""Well, it's nice to see some black people on television for a change." ""But look at them lips." ""They must be from one of the small islands."" "I love being a comedian - this is all I can do." "In my heart I'm a 16-year-old boy, which is great for a comedian but not if you're a gynaecologist." "God, can you imagine me coming into the room?" "Your feet are in stirrups, "All right, Mrs Makin..." ""Bloody hell, I can see everything!" ""Do you want some cider?"" "I couldn't be an airline pilot, on your own in the cockpit." "I'd have to be a steward, out there with the passengers." "Put on a bit of a show." "RAPS:" "People, if we're in a crash" "Please do not despair" "Grab a mask from above your head and suck in lots of air" "Whip on your life jacket and tie it very tight" "Then stick your head between your legs and kiss your ass good night!" "WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE" "Actually, do you know what?" "I wouldn't mind being a pilot, cos everyone's life depends on you." "You can get away with anything, can't you?" "Who's going to argue with that voice they do?" "FORMAL VOICE:" "This is your captain speaking." "My name is Brian." "How much do YOU earn?" "Hope you have an enjoyable flight." "Our stewardesses are there to help you and our stewards are there to show we employ gays." "Right, we are cleared for take-off." "Let me take the chewing gum out of my mouth and stick it in my co-pilot Nigel's ear." "He loves it." "Take that, you bitch." "Weather in Miami is superb - 26C with a light breeze." "Shame we're going to Glasgow, where the weather's shit." "If you'd like to visit the cockpit you're very welcome." "You don't have to give me a blow job." "Maybe you think I fly better when I'm tense." "Want to risk it?" "Go ahead." "If there are any drug mules with us today, I have one word for you." "Share." "Check out the haircut." "This is a number one." "CHEERING" "Big guy, small hair." "Back in the day, every black guy had a huge afro." "Every one of us, right." "Remember the Jackson 5?" "They had one big afro and they were all underneath going " "HIGH PITCHED VOICE:" "Move over, Tito." "Black women can't leave their hair alone." "Sisters, where are you?" "You can't leave your hair alone." "I blame the black beauty magazines." "I love their names, though." "They're called things like Ebony Sister." "Nubian Warrior Woman." "Martin Luther Queen." "Barack O-Mama!" "I've got one of them young black stylists from the hood." "He's cool." "He shaves patterns." "I hear Usain Bolt's going to have the Puma logo shaved into his head." "Yeah, man." "Soon my head's going to say, "Everything's premier but the price."" "All over there, down here." "I live in the country now." "AUDIENCE:" "Oooh!" "I'm the only black guy within 100 miles." "Anything to do with blackness, I'm the expert." "I get geezers knocking on my door," ""Lenny, my daughter's going to Senegal for her gap year." ""Do you know anybody she can stay with?"" "Come this way." "I'll teach you to play basketball, as well." ""Can you introduce me to Jay-Z?" I think he's here somewhere." "All the famous black people live with me." "Ainsley will take your coat." "APPLAUSE" "I've got a white west highland terrier." "He's like a loaf of bread with ears." "Looks a bit like Robert De Niro, as well." "He's got that downturned mouth." "Hates walking, this dog." "You get 100 yards from the house and he stops dead." ""Are you walking with me?" ""Are you walking with me?" ""Is this a marathon?" ""Are we doing this for charity?" ""Do I look like Bob freakin' Geldof to you?" ""Pick me up, wipe my ass and call me a cab." "We're going home." ""You freakin' two-legged mook."" "I love Robert De Niro." "You know why?" "He's not scared to be ugly." "I wouldn't say that to his face, for Christ's sake." "Have you noticed you can be an ugly actor but it's hard to be an ugly singer, isn't it?" "Unless you're a backing singer, in which case nobody's looking at you." "I went to see George Michael." "Hey, George, if you're watching this..." "I went to see George Michael at Wembley Stadium with brilliant backing singers." "They were these big women, no make-up, leggings, gravy down here." "Six kids by seven different men." "I don't know how that works, but it does." "These women never missed a note." "And they knew no-one was looking at them." "They were knitting, doing the crossword, on the phone to their kids." "# Do the jitterbug... # Tyrone, bed now." "# Do the jitterbug... # I mean it, mister." "# Ooh-ooh!" "#" "If you want to be a front man you've got to have energy." "Look at Dizzee Rascal." "He's so excited, isn't he, all the time." "RAPS:" "Some people think I'm bonkers but I just think I'm free." "Bonkers." "He'd be excited if he was in a car crash." "RAPS:" "My nose and mouth and arse are full of bits of glass" "My left leg has been mangled, it sticks out at an angle." "Bonkers!" "I tell you who else is excited, that baldy bloke from The Prodigy." "I love that guy." "He's still got it." "# I'm a fire starter, twisted fire starter. #" "Mind you, he's older now, the new tune's called..." "# I think I've left the gas on. #" "That's from the album..." "# My son's an accountant" "# My daughter lives in New Zealand" "# I'd like a cup of tea now and a lie down. #" "This used to be all fields around here." "I love music." "It's my big thing, music." "I can't do without it." "I buy a lot of music online." "This is what I love about buying music online." ""If you like Beyonce, you might like Pink."" "How cool is that?" "They should do that everywhere with everything." "You go down the pub have ten pints of lager, the barmaid says," ""If you like ten pints of lager, you might like a kebab."" "Go to the kebab place, the bloke's there going," ""If you like ten pints of lager and a kebab, you might like a fight."" "Go outside, beat the crap out of some innocent bystander, a copper comes up and says," ""If you like beating the crap out of innocent bystanders," ""you might like to join the police."" "You've been lovely, thank you very much." "Yeah, yeah!" "CHEERS AND APPLAUSE" "WHISTLES AND CHEERS" "I'm sweating like Christopher Biggins at a free buffet." "My first guest tonight is a very funny man." "Will you please put your hands together for Mr Mike Wilmot?" "Come on." "No-one told me there'd be smoke." "That scared the shit out of me." "What a fancy place, man." "It is truly great to be here." "I know a lot of comedians start their show with," ""It's great to be here, it's nice to be here."" "Many of them are lying." "But it is really good to be here." "My wife, girlfriendy person... ..she just turned 50 and she's pre-menopausal." "So, it's very, very nice to be here." "Thousands of miles away." "I have never done this so much in my life within the last year." "Every time I hear a door open now it's..." "She hit me recently in the back of the head with car keys from a distance." "I had it coming, I called her a whore, but y'know... ..in a funny way." "You know, like, "Oh, ya whore!"" "LAUGHTER" "Turns out there's really no funny way." "It's odd to be hit in the back of the head with car keys because you can hear them jingle on the way over." "It's almost magical, really." "# Jingling, jingle-ling-ingle. #" "Santa?" "BOOF!" "LAUGHTER" "Laying on your ass with a key in your eye." "It's also good to be here because I enjoy drinking." "Er, that's how I got this lovely voice." "But I do enjoy drinking and it's beautiful here for that." "You know, like in LA, I'm an alcoholic." "In Canada, I'm a drinker." "Here, fine." "I'm absolutely fine!" "I have nothing to worry about." "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" "Everything's wonderful." "In fact, I could be fit." "And in Ireland, I'm a pussy." "So it depends, really, on where you go." "I don't like organised drinking." "I'm not big on stag parties or any of that bullshit." "At my age, most of my friends are getting re-married." "The stags are a bit calmer when you're getting re-married." "We just got smashed and watched Iron Man 2." "Dumbest movie I've ever seen." "If you think it's good, shoot yourself." "There's really no point." "I got smashed and mad at a movie." "That's never a good sign." "Walking home drunk with a suit." "Nothing sadder than drunk men in suits." "Way too many pockets." "I'm walking, getting closer to my house." "I was wearing a necktie." "The wind grabbed the front part, the fat part of my tie, and threw it over my shoulder, leaving me with that little tie." "LAUGHTER" "I was so drunk I looked down and thought," ""Oh, my God, I'm huge!"" "LAUGHTER" "SLURRED: "How will I fit in my little house?" ""I'm going to have to live outside, now."" "There's really truly nothing sadder than a man coming home drunk, and there's the old lady in the house, and when I say old lady, women, don't get all pissy." "I'm an old man." "Please don't form a giant woman and come up here and attack me." "I've always had that fear of women - if you piss off more than five, they morph into a big one and come at you." "Men all over the world, we stand outside of our homes drunk, auditioning to get in." "LAUGHTER" "There's nothing sadder than standing outside of your house at three in the morning practising the word "hello"." "LAUGHTER" "'Allo!" "LAUGHTER" "'Ello!" "Howdy!" "Don't say howdy, you stupid bastard!" "Only drunk people say howdy!" "Might as well jump through a window and kick her in the crotch if you're going to say howdy!" "LAUGHTER" "I've been coming out here for years now, so now when I get drunk," "I just get this bullshit Englishy sounding accent." "To me, it sounds more theatrical than pissed." "POSH ENGLISH ACCENT:" "Hello." "Hello, my love, I'm home." "Hello." "LAUGHTER" "It's like Richard Burton coming home." "AS RICHARD BURTON:" "Martha, come running at me, your melons bobbling, your kimono flying." "Then I do her voice." "Na-na-na-na-nah!" "LAUGHTER" "That's how men impersonate women, by the way." "All women." "Mums, sisters, girlfriends, wives, doesn't matter." "Na-na-na-na-nah!" "LAUGHTER" "Which is fair because when women impersonate men, they always use that idiot voice." "Then he said, "Oogh, oogh, blah, blah!"" "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" "You're not different!" "You're the same!" "You're the same!" "All of you vagina people!" "LAUGHTER" "Or "women", as you prefer to be called." "LAUGHTER" "Evee-ink-ink-ee!" "POSH ENGLISH ACCENT:" "No." "Ha, ha, ha!" "LAUGHTER" "POSH ENGLISH ACCENT:" "Your beauty alone intoxicates me." "LAUGHTER" "Then I sleep in a bush!" "LAUGHTER" "I've been with her now..." "24 years now." "And I'll tell you one thing, man - it's not love." "LAUGHTER" "Love is fleeting." "But spite?" "That stays!" "LAUGHTER" "I'm not leaving her." "That would make her happy!" "LAUGHTER" "I'm in it for the long haul, man." "LAUGHTER 24 years with the same woman and I'll be honest with you," "I wake up every morning of my life and I walk down the stairs, and I think, you know, "I'm going to kill her today."" "LAUGHTER" ""I'm going to sneak up behind her and hit her in the head with a shovel." "She won't see it coming."" "And I know she's, er, walking down the stairs behind me." "Every day... "I'm going to push him."" ""I'm going to push this fat bastard down the stairs." ""He never picks up his shit." "I'm going to put a screwdriver in his eye." ""I'm going to let him rot." Then we circle each other... in the kitchen, spitting fire and hate." "And then we have tea and toast, and everything's better." "And that's why breakfast is the most important meal of the day." "CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" "Man!" "You've been wonderful." "Thank you very, very much." "CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" "Mike Wilmot!" "From Canada." "OK, we have one more act for you tonight." "Please give a huge welcome to the very funny, the very excellent, Mr Tommy Tiernan!" "CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" "Hello." "Hello, hello." "How are you?" "Thank you very much." "Thank you very much for that." "I've come a long way to be with you here this evening." "SCATTERED CHEERING" "Yeah." "WHISTLING" "From over there." "I've come all the way from the west coast of Ireland." "CHEERING" "I've left my wife, my family and my kids behind me..." "..to come here... to make you... laugh." "LAUGHTER" "There's a... an empty chair...beside the fire tonight." "I hope." "Unless Other Daddy calls round again." "Er..." "I travel around rural Ireland and you go to hotels and stuff." "I was in a fancy hotel in a place called Waterford recently." "I went downstairs to the restaurant in the morning and asked the waitress," ""Can I have the vegetarian breakfast?"" "She goes, "What - corn flakes?"" "The rest of the time, I spend travelling around the world." "To be honest with you, it's a fierce disappointment." "I go to all these cities all over, like Melbourne, Montreal," "Toronto and Sydney and New York." "It's the same shit everywhere." "White people shopping - that's all it is!" "I want to go where there's no white people." "I don't care what colour they are." "I don't even want them to have legs." "Sit in the muck, throwing chickens at each other." "I've been to Australia." "D'you know, white people have been in charge of Australia for 400 years." "Before that, the Aboriginal people were in charge... for 50,000 years." "Now, they didn't do much with the place." "They just covered each other in finger paint... ..and stood around pointing." "IMITATES DRONE OF DIDGERIDOO" "Woof, woof!" ""Oh, God!" "There's a Jack Russell in my didgeridoo."" "Lots of people are going to Australia now, because they think it's a safe place to live." "Maybe they're right, you know." "Australia will never be invaded." "Never." "Why not?" "Jet lag." "You'd have the opposing army on the beach." ""CHARGE!"" "HE PANTS HEAVILY" ""Oh, for God's sake!" ""What time is it where we come from?" ""Two o'clock in the morning?" "I'm starving." ""I haven't had a shit in a week."" ""How big is this beach, for God's sake?"" "So, lots of people are going to Australia." "Off the coast of Australia right now, in boats, hoping to get in, are people from Sri Lanka, and people from Afghanistan." "And I'm going to tell you something." "I'm going to tell you something, educated, clever England." "I'm going to tell you something to your face, and I don't care what you think of me when you find out." "I know nothing." "Nothing... about Sri Lanka." "I don't even know where it is." "If you took me in a helicopter - a big helicopter - and you dropped me from a reasonable height - about two snooker tables - onto Sri Lanka, I wouldn't know which way to be walking." "I know nothing - nothing - about the people of Sri Lanka." "If you gave me a Sri Lankan baby..." "If you said, "Tommy Tiernan." ""Tommy Tiernan, there's a Sri Lankan baby," ""Bring him up in the ways of his own people,"" "I wouldn't know what to be doing with the child." "Making the plastic bits that go on top of laces or something." "I don't know." "So I can't be saying if they should be let into Australia or not." "But the people of Afghanistan, I think they should." "Why?" "Because they've gone all the way from Afghanistan to Australia by boat." "From Afghanistan." "It doesn't even have a coastline." "Can you imagine how difficult that must have been?" "Escaping that Taliban hellhole with a boat on your back." "The wife and kids complaining." ""Shut up." "Shut up." "Does it look like we're there yet?" "Does it?"" "I've no time for facts, or rationality." "If all you want to do in your life is give out facts, you might as well be a signpost by the side of the road." "In school, I used to hate mathematics." "I hated it." "You'd be there in school and the teacher at the top of the room with the big "king of numbers"..." "And he's there. "Tiernan," ""what is the cosine logarithm of X-Y,"" "with the really small 25 written up in the corner," ""brackets - smiley face, Nazi symbol," ""Nike symbol, close brackets, forward slash, bbc.co.uk?"" "If a woman in a train travelling at 27 miles an hour passes a man holding five apples in one hand and a banana in the other," ""what time is it?"" "I've no time for that at all." "The happiest fella that I knew in my life was also the thickest." "I went to a religious boarding school, and his name was Richie and he was from Dublin." "And he was so stupid, he was a pleasure to be with." "Your thought processes just slowed down in his company." "He was like," ""All right, Tommy, no problem." ""No problem, Tommy, all reet." ""All reet." "All right, Tommy, no problem."" "Heroin would have sharpened him up." "Once a term, we used to have these..." "Because the dormitories we were in were so old, we had to have these fire drills - they were old and wooden." "So once a term, about three o'clock in the morning, the fire alarm would go off and the priests would chase us out of the building in our underpants." "Jesus!" "The naivety of it now, when I think about it..." "And there was always a few priests trying to chase you into the woods for safety." ""Go on, into the woods." "Into the woods for safety."" "Anyway..." "So one morning, the fire drill goes off and everybody's up in their knickers and we run out of the school, across the yard into the study hall - except for Richie, who thinks it's the morning bell." "So he goes downstairs, has a shower and gets dressed." "The priest is counting us up in the study hall and there's one fella missing." "This is not good." "In a real emergency, this is a disaster." "So Richie is hauled up in front of this midnight court, and he's never seen a scene like it in his life - all his friends there, naked under fluorescent lights." "And the priest is there." ""Where were you?" ""Richie, where were you?"" "And before Richie has time to answer, the priest goes," ""I'll tell you where you were, will I?" "I'll tell you." ""You were burning to death in the school fire."" "Richie's looking round - "hat, what?" "!"" ""That's right - you're dead!" ""You're dead now." ""Am I supposed to phone your mother" ""and tell her you've died in the school fire?"" "It all gets to him." "He goes, "No-o-o-o!" ""I'LL tell her!" ""It's better coming from me." ""She thinks you're a prick anyway!"" "It's a pleasure talking to you, Apollo." "Thank you very much and good night." "CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" "Cheers, Lenny." "Thank you." "Let's hear it for Tommy Tiernan..." "CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" "..and Mike Wilmot..." "CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CONTINUES" "Ladies and gentlemen, this has been Live At The Apollo." "You've been a brilliant audience." "Good night." "Peace!" "Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd" "E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk"