" Hey, Pen, you busy?" " Yes." "My mom is at the opera with" "Dr. Berkowitz, both kids are out of the house and I am finally enjoying some time to myself." "Ooh, wine and coupons." "Been there." "Just substitute wine with whiskey, and coupons with more whiskey." " Did you want something?" " Just to share some amazing news." "I am... unplugged." "Yeah." "No more Internet, no social media, not even a phone." "Anyway, I really need to use your computer." "That was quick." " Why don't you use your own laptop?" " I locked it in my safe." "So?" "Combination to my safe is on my laptop." "You didn't think to write it down..." "We all wish we had the last five minutes of our life back, okay?" "I'm with you there!" "Anyway, I need to find a new place to get my eyebrows threaded." "Oh, you can just do everything else silently." "Whoa!" " Schneider, you came here to watch porn?" " No!" "Why won't it stop?" "No, I don't wanna chat with you!" "What the hell is wrong with you?" "Oh, come on, Pen." "No need to cover." "I'm just happy you weren't actually sitting' there clipping coupons." "And a threesome, eh?" "Get your freak on, boo!" "Shut up, that's not my porn." " It's your computer." " No, it's not my..." "It's Alex's." "I'll just use the old eyebrow-threading place." "Oh." "My baby's watching porn." "My sweet boy is becoming a gross man!" "But, hey, silver lining, it's normal porn." "A threesome is not normal." "Okay, fine." "It's aspirational." " How do I talk to him about this?" " Uh... you don't." "I'm not looking forward to this, either." "But I have to because he's obviously curious." "And I don't want it to get stuck in his brain that this is what sex is." "Yeah." "He'd be in for a long series of disappointments." "What kinda sex talk did your parents give you?" "Because I wanna do the opposite of that." "Well, Father believed it's best to have this kinda discussion in a car because you don't have to make eye contact." "Plus, you're traveling in the same direction, which fosters intimacy." "That's actually good advice." "I was expecting some unrelatable rich-guy story." "So we're in the Bentley with our chauffeur, Paco." "Father said it's time to have the talk." "We came to the next stoplight." "He hopped out, Paco told me everything." "I need a Paco." "I got a cousin named Paco, but he's an idiot." "Ay, it's not fair that I'm stuck giving both sex talks." "Alex was supposed to be Victor's job." " I did my part with Elena." " How'd it go?" "Not great." "She asked me what a period was when she was seven." "I didn't get the period talk till I was 12." "Paco just called it "Shark Week."" "Well, they say you should answer every question honestly, so I did." "And I ended up going from periods into the whole sex talk." "Then, Elena said..." ""Cool!" "What's an exclamation point?"" "Lucky she didn't ask about a colon." "Sorry, it's just fun to hear about how you blew it." "It's not like I had a great role model." "My mom's sex talk was her handing me a white handkerchief and telling me it was my virginity." ""Lupita, nobody wants to marry a used handkerchief."" ""So, you must keep men from sneezing in it."" "Hello." "Here comes Professor Love now." " So how was the opera?" " Magnificent." "Oh, when Violetta died of consumption..." "Hey, hey." "Spoilers." "Sorry, it's just that her death scene was so..." "Aw." "Aw!" "Here, you may have my handkerchief." "Thank you." "I feel dirty." "The singing was very good." "But the choreography could have used a little tweaking." "I gave my number to the usher." "I'm sure he'll be calling." "Uh, what was the name of that soprano?" "Oh, do you mind if I just look it up quickly?" "No!" "Oh, my stars." "I feel compelled to tell you that this is not my computer." "No, it's Alex's." "That's what we've been talking about." "What?" "What about Alex?" "Mami, don't worry." "It's not really a big deal." "Alex was watching a racy movie." "Cars 2?" "More like Cars 3." "Okay, let's stop talking about this." "Yeah, whatever it was, don't worry." "You know, it's normal for a teenage boy and it's healthy to be curious." "I'm curious." "I wanna see how that movie ends." "Boy, the world has changed." "I..." "Just think how difficult it was to see a naked woman in the Renaissance." "You had to pay someone a fortune to create a giant nude painting that you couldn't hide from your wife." "When I was a kid, there was an adult section in the back of the video store." "Behind the beads." "I'd always chicken out and just rent a Jane Fonda workout tape." "Still worked." "Still works." "That's the thing." "It used to be hard to get." "Now there are no restrictions." "You can get a Renaissance painting right on your computer." "All of this is exactly why I need to talk to Alex." "You know, with the Internet, kids see too much too soon." "Then porn makes them grow up thinking that's what sex is supposed to be like." "How bad was this movie that papito was watching?" " Awful." " Pretty tame." "Okay." "Show me." "Yeah, that's not happening." "Lydia, you asked me to turn away when you buckled your shoe." "This is not for you." " Por favor." " No, Mami." "¡Mira!" "I was married for over 40 years." "If anything, it is a shame that Berto and I went unrecorded." " ¡Dame esa cosa!" " Ay." "Burn this." "Why is everyone staring at me?" "Is there a bug on me?" "Is there a bug on me?" "No, papito, you are bug-free and perfect as always." "Yeah." "Stand there, so I can always remember you this way." "Finn sent me a video to check out." "Have you seen my laptop?" "No!" "What's wrong?" "Does it have a virus?" "It is sick." "Yes." "Is anybody gonna tell me what's going on?" " Yeah, I'm out." " Yes, I should probably go, too." "Thank you for a lovely evening." "Okay, sit down." "We need to talk about something." "I am going to leave." "Because... this, like many things in life, can best be done only between two peoples." " Seriously, what's going on?" " Don't worry." "It's nothing bad." " It's just about sex." " Oh, God!" "Okay..." "Great start." "Ay..." "Look..." "It's totally natural for you to be curious about sex." "If you ever have any questions," "I want you to feel like you can come to me." "Do you have any questions?" "Yes." "When is this going to be over?" "I get it." "This is uncomfortable for me, too." "But it's important to talk about this stuff." "Because I just..." "I want you to understand that... sex can be a really beautiful experience." "I know." "But look... there's reality, then there's pornography." "Why are you doing this to me?" "For instance, two women with one man," " it's just..." " What?" "What are you talking about?" "You can do that?" "Alex, it's okay." "I know you were watching a video like that on the computer." " What?" "No, I wasn't." " Don't lie to me." "I'm not lying." "I'm not stupid." "I know you put software into it that tells you everything I look at." "That's right, mister." "I did order that and installed that, and that's how I found out about this." "Mom, you gotta believe me." "I would never do that." "I spent my whole life trying to avoid this conversation." "Okay." "Well, then, if wasn't you, who was it?" " Was it you?" " No!" "It wasn't me." " Abuelita?" " No!" "Hey, guys!" "I'm exhausted." "Good night." "Elena!" "Well, that is unexpected." "Did she admit to watching it?" "I didn't have the heart to ask her about it last night." "After introducing my 12-year-old son to threesomes," "I figured that was enough great parenting for one day." "I don't even know what I'm gonna say to Elena." "I can't believe I have to have another porn conversation." "Oh, you guys are talking about porn without my sexpertise?" "Great, I was hoping to get another opinion on this." "Yes, let's catch you up." "We were just saying that with all the porn available now, it's a real problem." "Yeah." "There's not enough hours in a day to watch it all." "Okay, so we heard from you." "Well, girls these days are exposed to so much more than my generation was." "Or..." "your generation, Penelope." " I mean, 15 is the new 25." " Yes." "And I'm not naive." "But Elena's just not that advanced." "She's never even had a boyfriend." "She just started kinda seeing this boy named Josh, but all they've done is kissed." "Aw, you're adorable." "I'm sure Josh is the one teenage boy that loves just kissing." "Maybe I should be worried about Josh." "Is he pressuring her?" "It is confusing for girls out there." "I'm glad I got married so young." "I was still a "virgin."" " What do you mean?" " You know, a "virgin."" "What's this?" "I was a good Catholic girl, so I wanted to save myself for marriage." "But there are other ways to do it that are creative but keep you pure." ""Technically" pure." "I guess we'll all spend the rest of the day thinking of ways to look Lori in the eye." "I totally forgot about that Catholic-girl workaround." "No, I know a bunch of stupid girls who used..." "No, that's not what I..." "Ay, whatever." "You got snowed." "I need to talk to Elena." " Do you want me to talk to Josh?" " I don't even want you to talk to me." " Big plans this weekend?" " Don't look at me." "Where's Elena?" "I really need to talk to her." "You should." "She is a porno." "I think I know what you're saying, and it's not fair 'cause when you thought it was Alex, you said it was healthy." "Well, boys are supposed to want the sex." "Girls are supposed to pretend that they don't want the sex." "Read your Bible, for God's sake." "Watch the hair, Abuelita." " Is Elena in her room?" " No, she's at Josh's." "The family is having a movie night, remember?" " That's tonight?" " Yeah." "Jeez, she's been at Josh's, like, every day this week." "Great." "Straight to voicemail." "Elena, I really need to talk to you, so call me as soon as you get this." "No, better yet, just come home right away." "No, scratch that." "Come home right away, but still call me so I know you're coming home." "This is your mother." "It's fine." "I shouldn't worry 'cause she's with his family, right?" "Yeah!" "What?" "What is it?" "Well, it's just that some kids at school said Josh is having a party... because his parents are out of town." "No parents?" "That's terrible!" "I know!" "Who's gonna order the pizza?" "Who's gonna clean up the mess?" "Mami, parties are not good." "There's alcohol." "Then people pair off." "And the next thing you know," "Carlos Piñero's trying to unhook your bra on your best friend's parents' bed." "But... not me, Mami, I never did that." "I'm happy to just leave." "Oye." "No seas ridícula." "Elena would never give away her purity at some party." "Ah, yes." " Yes, you're right." " Of course." "She's a good Catholic girl." "Oh, my God!" "What is this?" "There's no party." "There's just three of them." "Three." "As you can see, ladies," "I've got more than enough for the both of you." "Ooh, relax, I got it." "Elena!" " Mom, what are you doing?" " What are you doing?" "I'm watching a movie with Josh and his little sister!" "You scared me." "What's going on?" "Hey, Barb, Dave." "Ooh." "Love these hardwood floors." "What is this, bamboo?" " Penelope, would you like to come in?" " Yeah, sure." "You know, let me just unwedge myself from your doggy door before I embarrass myself." "Just hold still." "Oh." "It's good to see you two." "All here." "Not out of town." " Why would we be out of town?" " No reason." "Just 12-year-olds who don't know anything, they say a lot of stuff." "We must not have heard you knock." "We were watching a movie." " Would you like to join us?" " No." "No." "Thank you." "No, I just came by to bring Elena... my jacket." "There you go." "Okay." "I'll just put it on over this jacket." "Okay." "I'm gonna go now." "Yeah." "Oh, just so you know, some maniac drove over your mailbox." "But they left 50 bucks, so that seems fair, right?" "Guess what?" "Josh's parents?" "Home." "You got fed some bad intel." "You gotta up your gossip game, son." "Oh... yeah." "It turns out it was Josh B's parents who were out of town, not Josh F's." "You didn't think to text me that?" "You know I always have my phone on me." "Unplug, Penelope." "Hey." " You're back early." " Yeah." "I left because I was embarrassed." "Everyone was talking about my mom, who ran over the mailbox to bring me a jacket." "Sounds like you got a pretty cool mom." "Look, I am sorry." "But we do need to talk." "Oh, about what?" "Here." "You're gonna want this." "Why does everybody think I'm cold?" "What is going on?" "Why are you acting like a freak?" "Okay, Elena, I'm just gonna say it." "I know you've been looking at pornography." "Oh, my God." "I found it on your brother's computer." "Thanks for an unnecessary yet super-fun conversation with Alex, by the way." "Sorry." "I would've used my computer, but I didn't want it to get a virus." "Elena, that is..." "pretty smart, actually." "But I still would've found out because I have that tracking software on all your computers." " No, you don't." " No, I don't!" "Okay." "Obviously... you're curious about stuff." "And that is completely normal." "It just makes me wonder... if you're thinking about... or possibly having, you know... sex." "I don't want you to feel like it's wrong." "It's actually a really beautiful experience that you're too young to be having right now." "But if you are..." "I want you to be safe..." "I want you to be doing it for the right reasons, and not because you're feeling pressured." "And I..." "I want you to come to me." "Because I didn't have that with your abuelita, and I want things to be different." " Mom, I'm not having sex." " Oh, thank God!" "You're way too young." "And guys are really bad at it in the beginning." "Not that I want you to be with an older guy." " Mom, stop talking!" " Oh." "I'm gonna stop talking." "I'm gonna stop talking." "I felt like I was gonna black out there for a second." "Okay." "I just, like..." "Oh, my..." "Just everything is happening so fast." "You know, Josh is your first boyfriend." "I know, and..." "I really like him, but..." "I don't think I like him like that." "Hey... that's okay." "In fact, that's great." "You know, you... you got your whole life ahead of you." "There'll be plenty of other boys." "I don't think I'll ever fall in love with a boy." "Aw." "Yeah, I get it." "I've been there." "But I promise you, when you meet the right one, you'll know." "What if that's not what I want?" "Oh, I know." "Marriage is a patriarchal tool invented to enslave women." "All men are adult babies." "I know." "That's not what I'm talking about." "I'm talking about love." "And I'm so happy that we're talking like this." "Because you can tell me anything." "Okay." "Then what I'm trying to say... is that... when I think about love..." "I see myself... someday... loving a woman." "Oh." "Why do I keep giving everyone the wrong sex talk?" "When did you..." "No." "You know, you talk." "It was just, I realized that if I was going to be into a boy, it would be Josh." "I mean, he's cute, and he's sweet, and he's such a gentleman, but..." "I feel more when I look at a picture of Kristen Stewart than I do when I kiss him." "No wonder you saw those Twilight movies so many times." "Definitely wasn't for the quality storytelling." "Guess this also explains the threesome movie." " Can we not talk about that ever again?" " Nothing would make me happier." "So..." "Are you okay with this?" "Of course I am." "I love you." "And I want you to be happy." "And you should never be afraid to tell me anything about yourself." "Thank you." "I've been wanting to tell you for a really long time." "I'm glad you did." "Thank God." "It feels like this huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders." "Like... the hardest part is over." "Hello, you two!" "Maybe not the hardest part."