"The Seven Wonders of the World." "Christ The Redeemer." "The Taj Mahal." "The Great Pyramids." "Truly man's greatest achievements." "But there's one man who sees them differently." "If that was on my road, the council would be on it." "They'd go, "'Get that down." "It's a death trap."" "Karl Pilkington." "It's like a pylon." "I don't know the politically correct term." "Moron, I think." "He is a round, empty-headed, chimp-like, Manc moron." "Buffoon." "Idiot." "Is that normal?" "And he's a friend!" "We've often described him as being like some kind of real-life Homer Simpson." "Homer is small-minded, petty, but at his core, a good person." "And loveable." "Absolutely loveable." "It's like a game of jenga that's got out of hand." "I can't get enough of him." "Is everyone gonna be wearing this?" "He's a typical Little Englander and he doesn't like going out of his comfort zone." "Bollocks are squashed." "I just think it'd be amazing to send him round the world." "What we'd like to see is him experience other cultures, other peoples, and see if in any way we can change his outlook on the world." "I've been to many exotic places, I genuinely think travel broadens the mind." "I want him to hate it." "I want him to hate every minute of it for my own amusement." "Nothing is funnier than Karl in a corner, being poked by a stick." "I am that stick and now I have the might of Sky behind me." "Shit!" "This is one of the funniest, most expensive practical jokes I've ever done." "And it's gonna be great." "Just let me go home!" "Jesus Christ!" " All right?" " Yeah." "I'm all right, yeah." " What you been doing today?" " Just hanging around." "You look nervous, you look uneasy." " Well, I am a bit, yeah." "It's not normal, is it?" " What isn't?" "You're asking me how my day is in a room full of people who I don't know." " Yeah." "They've got to film it." "Otherwise you'd be by yourself and we wouldn't see it on the telly." "Right, Karl." "I'm very jealous of your trip here, Karl, to the mighty Great Wall of China." "You say that but how come I'm going and you're not doing any?" " Well, because, er, we're executive producers." " We've got other stuff going on." "Oh." "See, out of all the places, this is the place that I'm worried about the most." " Why?" " Just... the way they live." "They're different." "What, Chinese people?" "They just wreck everything." "They make everything weird." "That's what I'm worried about." " I don't understand what you mean." "Everything - chicken." "Why is it orange in Chinatown?" "Ha ha ha ha ha ha!" "Just the slightest thing." "The chicken is orange." "They eat anything." "You know what I mean?" "Octopus." "Toad." " He just made that one up!" " Say if I go over there," "I have a bit of toad, I go, do you know what?" "Quite nice, that, It's nicer than chicken." " Yeah." " It's pretty tough to get a bit of grilled toad." " Yeah." " In this country." "It could make me sort of... wish for stuff that I can no longer get hold of." "Have you been listening to what he's been saying?" "He's scared to go to China in case he gets a taste for toad." " Then he comes back and hecan't get toad." " I just wanted to check that you heard that." "The way they write - their letters are weird, their alphabet's not like ours," "It's like someone testing out a Biro." "Everything's..." "There's no logic to anything that they do." " There is..." "There is..." " Of course there's a logic to it!" "The way they read a book, It's all the other way round, from back to front and up and down." "Everything that we've done, they've gone, Right, we're gonna do it weirder." " No they didn't..." "That's how it comes across." "Well, some would say that they did it first, their civilization beat ours by... by many, many hundreds of years, but anyway..." "Right, off you go." "See you when you get back." "Right." "See ya." "Bit grey, isn't it?" "Is today a cloudy day or is this pollution?" "It's not worth having this in HD, is it?" "Nothing looks crisp." "Everything's sort of hazy, like some sort of Kate Bush video or something." "Can anyone speak English?" "Does he want to give us a lift?" "English?" "Do you want to give us a ride?" " OK." " Yeah, yeah." "All right?" "Doesn't seem to work when you smile at people." "Nothing." "Nothing." "Blank." "So I don't know if smiling means smiling here." "I mean, if they don't understand my language and they don't understand my expressions," "I don't know what I've got to communicate with." "All right?" "Nothing, nothing." "They've got nothing." "I don't think I've ever felt this lost." "Even in Wales." "See what I mean here, though, about things not being normal?" "You know, I get off a plane all achy and jet-lagged." "I thought, I know, I'll have a massage, that'll be nice." "Massage?" "I'm never gonna get to where I'm going." "I haven't been to bed yet." "It is nice though, to be fair." "That isn't, that isn't good." "Ha ha!" "Ha ha!" "Ha ha!" "Ha ha!" "Fuckin' hell!" "Was that a massage?" "I don't know." "Or was I just being mugged?" "Ha ha!" "Ho!" "Well, I'm just trying to find the hotel that" "Ricky and Steve have sorted out for me." "I'm not expecting that much, if I'm honest with you." "I've got a room?" "Pilkington." "Nice." " It's compact, isn't it?" " Yes, cosy." " Feels Chinesey." " Yeah, it is." " The slippers, they're mine?" " Mm-hm." "Quite Chinese, aren't they?" " Behind the cloth, we have a TV." " Any English?" " No." "Only Chinese." " OK, thanks." "I quite like this touch." "Suzanne wants a fish, so I'll have to let her know that I've got a couple." "I mean, that is for sort of company, isn't it?" "It's not some sort of appetizer, that, is it?" "That's handy." "You know I said how Chinese always come up with inventions?" "they're quite futuristic with their ideas." "That's all right, isn't it?" "Little radio with headlights." "I don't know when you'd need that." "I mean, the whole beauty of radio is, you know, you can listen to it in the dark." "I mean, if that was on the Dragons'Den, you'd say I'm out, wouldn't you?" "I'm just gonna go and have a wander about, I think." "Cos there's nothing else to do, so I might as well try and see a bit of the place, mix with the locals." "That's what Ricky and Steve want, they want to see how I can handle myself with some foreigners." "Karl." "Kyre." "Ka." "Karl." "I'm Karl." " Karl." " Kalla." "Not Karla." "Just Karl." " Karl." " Oh, Karl." "Karl." "Karl." " Karl." " Karla." "No!" "No, no." "No." " Kar." " No." "Karl." " Karlo." " You don't need to add..." "Like this in your country, the Shazh-bia." "Shazh-bia." "Huh?" "Shazh-bia." " Shaz-bia?" " Ah." "Chinese..." "Shash-bee." "Shakespeare." "Shass-pear." "Ah!" "Sha..." "It's just breaking it up a little bit." "Karl." "I'm Karl." " Kar." " It's not Kar, It's Karl." "Yeah, it smells more Chinese now, doesn't it?" "Sort of sweet and sour." "That's good, isn't it?" "Is that dead?" "That's dead, isn't it?" "Are they dead?" "Are they toads?" "So I don't get it." "Are they alive in that bag?" "Why aren't they legging it?" "He's got like a Sainsbury's bag full of toads, he rips 'em out, cuts their head off, sticks them in another bin bag." "I don't even know what that is." "It looks like a load of condoms in jam and water or something." "It's weird how he's got it sat there as if that's mean to tempt you in." "Well, the idea was that I'd nip out and get a little snack, cos Ricky and Steve said," ""Yeah,try everything out, do what the locals do,"" "but there's no way I'm eating this stuff." "Scorpion." "Seahorse." "Cocoon silkworm." "Caterpillar." "This looks like they've got custard creams on a stick at the end." "Just anything on a stick." "Whatever you want on a stick." "I just don't understand why they're eating all this." "At home, restaurants would get closed down for having a cockroach in the kitchen." "Yet here, it's a starter." "I didn't think it'd be this mental, really, in the food department." "There's a woman over there just tucking in on a... on just scorpions." "Look at her, like she's just having a bit of chicken leg." "Just shoving them in her face." "She looks at it before she puts it in her mouth, like, " Oh, yeah, which bit will I have first?"" ""The head or the arse?"" "As she's eating one off one stick, she's looking at the other stick." "She can't get enough." "It's like they're doughnuts to her." "She's going, " Oh, look at that one, that one looks nice."" "I don't know where it stops." "Where's the line between food and insect?" "She gets up in the morning, there's a spider in the bath, what does she do?" ""Oh, good, I'll leave the croissant for tomorrow, I'll eat that now."" "What's he eating?" "Oh, God!" "What sort of egg is that?" "It's a fetus..." "inside an egg." "A fetus?" "I don't want any." "Just for people watching who don't know, he's with us, helping drive the bus and what have you." "He seems like a normal bloke." "I mean, eating a fetus." "Not even waiting for the thing to be born and to live a bit and then eat it." "I mean, a fetus." "Only been here for a bit, I'm running out of these." "I've got three more packets left." "But you know, the weird thing is, I'm the freak here." "Everyone is eating that, I'm eating these." "I'm the odd one out." "I had my name done." "That says Karl." "Could be that way." "Could be that way." "I dunno." "It's one or the other." "Could be that way, let's face it." "I don't know." "Could be any way." "I'm sure if you're Chinese and you're watching this, you know if I've got it the right way up." "But there you go, that says Karl." "I mean, I haven't got Suzanne a gift yet." "I could just give her this and say, 'Yeah, it says Suzanne, that.'" "She wouldn't know." "Well, I'm here to see the Great Wall, aren't I?" "You know, one of the Wonders of the World, but I'm just not in the mood." "Honestly." "I'm still knackered, I'm still jet-lagged and just the weirdness of China, that tires you out on its own." "What's all the noise out there?" "It's like one o'clock in the morning at home." "I've got a message." "Do people really believe that, er..." "I mean, are people taking kids in and saying to him..." ""Right, here's my kid." "What's his future gonna be like?"" "If his life is gonna be a load of shite anyway, end it." "Do him a favour." "But then it doesn't always work like that." "That's what I mean with fate." "I didn't do that well at school, I left with an E in history, so say if my dad knew that, he'd go, "Right, get the brick,"" "and that'd be the end of it, whereas I've done all right, I've got a job," "I'm paying my way in life." "I have got a bit of a problem with this." "A mate has sent me here to have this done." "I'm not happy about it, really." "I sort of think I'm better off not knowing." "If something bad's going to happen," "I'd prefer it just to happen without having a warning." "Time I was born..." "He's got a Palm Pilot." "I didn't expect him to have a Palm Pilot." "Quite futuristic." "Do you know who Bruce Springsteen is?" "He's got the same birth date as me." "I don't know what you're talking about." "I'm concentrating on calculating your future." "All right." "You have to pay attention to your health because you've got some sort of heart problem." "Oh, here we go." "What sort of heart problem?" "Something to do with your heart blood vessel." "It's weird, that, cos my dad had a problem with his heart and they say it runs in the family." "Is it gonna kill me, then?" "90%." " 90%?" " Mm." "Brilliant." "But maybe we can change it." "Although you have some health problem, we're gonna do a ceremony for you." "But you do need to write a confession about what you did wrong." "Something I did wrong?" "Something I did wrong in the past?" " Mm." " Good one." "You need to write three confessions on the three pieces of paper." "All right." "When I lived in the other flat, there was a fella who used to live in it called Bruce and I used to get his post and I'd open it." "It was his old flat." "I kept getting post for him years after he'd moved out." "See, it's meant to be bad, that, innit?" "Carl Grimshaw, I put putty in his hair and he had to have his head shaved." "That was a bit tight, wasn't it?" "And he had a funny-shaped head so it looked really bad." "I'll put that down." "Carl Grimshaw, for putting putty in his hair." "I worked at this bloke's shop, called Bob." "I was his best paperboy." "So I'd collate all my papers, get 'em all ready, stick 'em in my bag." "When he wasn't looking, I'd sort of take a Mars Bar, slip it up my sleeve, off I go." "So every day, seven a week for about..." "two years." "A lot of Mars Bars, I know that, that's why it's on here." "It's always been playing my mind, that." "Cos I've since found out that shop doesn't make much money from delivering papers." "Hiya." "This is a healing process." "Now everything gonna be fine." "The other two papers, one needs to be put on top of mountain, the other one needs to be put in the sea." "It will help you to cleanse your soul." "Brilliant." "Thanks a lot." "Just give us a second." "Just give us a sec." "You are kidding me." "Have you seen this?" "Have you seen the things?" "There's no doors or anything." "As soon as you open the door, you could just get a full view of someone." "If it was here, it's more understandable, isn't it, because you'd be sat here, and at least people come in and you'd sort of go, "I'm in this one."" "But it's a bit weird to just sort of wander in and..." "I mean, they've made this bit, why not finish it off and put a door on it?" "They've done the hard bit." "Couple of hinges and a door." "And there's no toilet paper." "What do they do here?" "Do they just pull up their pants and walk off?" "Is that what you do?" "I'm not here to say they should use toilet paper." "If that's not what they do, that's not what they do." "It's just, I didn't know that." "I didn't think China was gonna be like this." "I thought it was gonna be more..." "Like I said, I thought it was where they made the iPod." "I think I've got the wrong place because this ain't a place where they need an iPod." "Have a toilet roll first." "It's weird cos whenever you buy stuff like that, toilet roll holders, it says, "Made In China"." "Why aren't they using them, then?" "That's odd." "He's got to leave the house, "Do I feel like one today?" ""I might do, I've had a dicky belly, I'd best get my seat."" "Everyone knows he's gonna have a shit at some point today." "I wouldn't like that." "You know when I go into a public toilet and you like to nip in with a coin and open the door?" "Well, you couldn't do that here cos there's no doors on the toilets." "They were filming some stuff on this street, just tragic and stuff," "I said, "I'm just nipping in here."" "Walked in, was greeted by two fellas squatting." "They were chefs from the place on the corner, so that's reassuring." "Honest to God, one of 'em was on the phone taking an order." "It was really..." "I've never seen anything like it, I don't think I could never get used to that." "You need to have your space when doing that, and they're just there." "One's on the phone, the other one's just looking round." "Yeah." "Well, he looked like he was saying, "I'll have it ready in, like, five minutes..." "No, give me ten."" "Or a King Poo chicken." "Yeah, well, I'm seeing the Great Wall today, aren't I?" "Ricky and Steve just said, "Get down to the bus depot, where there's loads of coaches,"" "which, you know, I'm not looking forward to this." "Pilkington?" "Pilkington?" "Do you know what I mean?" "Getting on a bus full of tourists with a fella stood at the front, yapping on with loads of history facts." "Just loads of stuff that you're never gonna remember." "Is he an English bus?" "English tour?" "You not understand?" "Ricky and Steve just said come here..." "Sorry." "Sorry." " Hello." " Thanks a lot." "Hello." "It's a bit of a pointless exercise, really." "It's pointless." "Stuck on here with a daft hat on, not understanding what's going on." "I mean, this woman's friendly enough but even she's blanking me now." "The fella behind me is coughing his guts up." "I thought I was putting on a waterproof coat in case it rained." "I need it just for on this bus." "Why do they do that?" "Here's the wall." "Can't see it now anyway so it'll be a surprise for me." "How long does it take to get there?" "I feel like I'm at a post office on OAP day." "A Wonder of the World." "Look at everyone, pushing and shoving." "This is it, then." "It was heavily restored in both the 1950s and 1980s." "I didn't know that." "They're not even old bricks." "Am I missing something here?" "So the old stuff's gone, hasn't it, really." "But then it doesn't count, it shouldn't be a Wonder, then." "You can't just build something on it and still get all the tourists in when it's not what it says on the tin." "What I'm looking at is basically a Wimpey Home." "You know, you can see it for miles." "It goes on for miles over the hills." "But so does the M6." "Do you know what I mean?" "You can see that for miles." "And you go "great"." "And that does a job." "You can drive on that." "Black bears are here." "What's this all about though?" "It's almost like they know that the wall isn't that good." "It's like, "What else can we give 'em?" "We've charged 'em seven quid to see an old wall."" ""It's not an old wall, it's from the 1980s."" ""I've got a mate who's got some bears." "Have you?" "Stick 'em down at the bottom."" "There you are." "Look at him, stood up." "Evolution." "The driver's getting involved, chucking it food, cos he's not into apple, is he?" "I've seen what he likes eating." "If that was some sort of squid with a tumor on its head, he'd be tucking into it." "He's not into fruit." "I fancy getting in there and getting a mouthful." "It's the first normal food I've seen since I've been here." "You have one new message." "What's the point of that?" "Yeah, I'm just a bit annoyed today cos I thought I'd seen the Great Wall of China, which, being honest with you, it's not the Great Wall, it's an all right wall." "It's the All Right Wall of China." "But you know, I thought I'd seen it, and then Steve calls up with some bright idea, saying, "Oh, I want you to see more of it." "In fact, I want you to see all of it."" "It's just stupid." "You have one new message." "Oooh..." "Are they having a laugh?" "This isn't the Great Wall, is it?" "You're kidding me." "I mean, I like the way there's no tourists and that." "But then why would there be?" "This is the original wall, isn't it?" "Or is it?" "I dunno, is it just badly done?" "This is pretty shit, isn't it?" "You're meant to be able to see it from the moon, aren't you, the Great Wall?" "Would you want to?" "Neil Armstrong getting his binoculars out." ""Fuckin' hell, have you seen it?" "Come up here, Buzz."" "Jesus." "The fortune-teller told me that I had to get rid of one of my sins on a mountain." "So I might as well do it whilst I'm up here." "That was the one about Carl Grimshaw getting putty in his hair." "But you know, it's worth doing, isn't it?" "If it means I'm not gonna have a heart attack." "Well, I've been traveling for three days." "I've walked miles, and let's face it, there's only so much time you can look at anything, and the only reason I've come to this bit of the wall is because Steve said that there's a little village close by" "and he knows someone who's gonna sort me some dinner out." " Miau." " Mia..." "Are you all right?" "He's a big lad." "Erm..." "Just a little, little bit." "Little bit of..." "Not big." "Oh, full." "Well, they seem like nice people." "I can tell that, just... even though I can't speak their language and stuff." "They've got some food for me." "It's nice but it's just a bit awkward if it's something I don't like because I can't..." "You know, you can use your hands to say certain things, but what can you do if it's something I don't like?" "I can't sort of make a lie up." "What is that?" "What is that?" "Right, forget it." "Forget it." "It's..." "Fuckin' hell, massive toads." "Yeah, it's toads in a carrier bag." "Oh, I looked at the wrong time." "I didn't want to look but when I turned round it looked like she was having a wrestle with one." "And I heard like, "Doof!" "Doof!" So I'm guessing the toad wasn't winning." "And I've been told it tastes like chicken so I should just eat it and think, "It's chicken."" "Just nice chicken." "Why did she have to cave its head in out here?" " Why couldn't she do it inside, then I'd eat it." "Tell me after." "All right, yeah, I'll..." "In a minute." "If they knew we were coming, couldn't they have just got something normal?" "Why didn't you say to them," ""Look, is it all right if I bring Karl round, cook him something?"" ""Yeah, course you can." "What does he like to eat?" "Does he like toad?"" "Surely, I know you don't know me that well, but you know me enough..." "I've never said to you, "You know what?" "I'd love a bit of toad."" "I've never said that to you." "You could have just nipped it in the bud and gone, "He's not a fan of that." ""Doesn't like it."" "They're waving me over." "Look at this, it's like a murder scene." "Bit of toad's head there." "Oh, look at this!" "Chicken, chicken, chicken..." "Just a little bit cos I'm not very good with these." "He's better than me." "That just looks like noodles." "Mm, nice." "Mm." "Lots of that." "I love it, love." "Mm." "Oh, just..." "I'm just chewing." "I think the baby's choking." "Hang on." "Eating toad was weird." "Erm..." "I had a little bit of toad." "Like, er..." "Chicken." "It's just chicken." "This woman was forcing it to me." "She was saying, "Oh, eat it, eat it."" "Oh!" "Oh, I'm not a fan!" "It kept coming back up." "It was like it was alive and the legs were kicking itself out of my head." "Right, no more." "What's he making, then?" "Not a toilet door, I know that much." "Hello." "What are you making?" "What is this?" "Coffin." "A coffin?" "Is this for someone local?" " This lady here." " It's for this lady?" "She looks pretty healthy." "It's better to make it now." "When you're young you prepare those things." "When you're old you won't be able to organize this." "Doesn't it depress you, seeing this every day when you leave your house?" "Not the way it looks, it's a nice-looking coffin, as coffins go." "But I don't want to be reminded that I'm gonna die, not every day." "I'm not scared of death, I'm not worried about it." "All right." "Maybe you can help me sanding the coffin." "I mean, my flat isn't big enough to have something like this hanging around and I haven't got any outside space, so I'd have to have a parking permit for this." "So I couldn't be doing this at home, but there's something good about it because as you get older - you know, she's in her 60s... it's a nice little project, isn't it?" "She's got an allotment." "This is probably sorted out, she doesn't have to worry about that, the house is probably paid for, you need something to do to keep you going." "If you haven't got any little projects, that's when you die." "So in a way..." "It's just something that when she goes to bed at night, she's got a little to-do list in her head." ""Coffin needs to be varnished, I'll have to sort that out."" "There's not much else round here, is there, to keep your mind busy." "Look at this, he's gone off now." "He's having his lunch." "He's left me here doing this." "You have one new message." "Fuckin' Kung Fu?" "What do I want to see Kung Fu for?" "Violent, isn't it?" "It's pretty impressive the way everyone's remembered their kit." "It was never like this for me at school." "About 25 minutes was spent with all the kids trying to find a pair of shorts in lost property cos no one ever remembered to bring their kit." "So it was more like a Trinny and Susannah than a PE lesson, people going "Are these your type?" "I'll wear them."" "Just, it wasn't taken seriously." "The PE teacher wasn't a proper PE teacher, he did geography when he wasn't doing PE." "That's why we have a load of fat kids." "Leo, how are you?" "Welcome to Shaolin, and where the origin of Kung Fu coming from." "And you welcome to see the Kung Fu training." "All right." " Yeah..." " This is metal." " All right." " They were going to put on our throat." "Even I use my finger, just have a little touch." "All right!" "Just tell me." "You don't have to do..." "Yeah." " And you will have a very big shock on body." " Yeah, I did." "Ooh!" "That's got to hurt, though, hasn't it." "So I'll see you outside the hotel, sort of half-four, quarter to five." "4am." "OK." "Four in the morning?" "Are you having a laugh?" "Is he having a laugh?" "I can't tell, they're hard to read." "Right." "That's good, isn't it?" "I've been walking the wall for the last few days, aching all over, and now he wants me to get up at four in the morning to do some Kung Fu." "That's nice and relaxing, isn't it?" "He just went..." "Like that." "Oh!" "Ai!" "Come on." "Where did he hit it?" "He hit it there, didn't he?" "No." "Ooh!" "Come on." "No." "For fuck's sake." "You are late." "In two minutes, downstairs." "He wasn't joking, was he, when he said he was gonna come round at four." "I thought he was just having a bit of fun with me." "Nice start to the day." "The moon's still out." "Yeah." "The thing is, I don't know what power I've got." "That's the thing." "If I start wrestling with him, I don't know how strong I am." "I might do some damage, by accident." "Cos I don't go about punching people and stuff, so I don't know how hard I can hit." "I might really hurt him." "Say if I'm a proper mugger, I'm walking down the street, I look at you..." " I'm going this way, yes." " Hang on." "Get back a bit." "So I'm walking down the street and I think," ""This fella looks like he's got a few quid."" "And I'd go..."Excuse me, you haven't got the time on you, have you?" ""Give us your money."" "Ah!" "All right!" "Give us your money." " Oof!" "Right, yeah, yeah." " Watch what happens." "I know, yeah." "I got it the first time." " Come on, go!" " All right!" "Quickly!" "Faster!" "Come on!" "Come on!" "Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah!" "Mm!" "Mm!" "Mm!" "Fuck off!" "Mm!" "Mm!" "Mm!" "Mm!" "Mm!" "Mm!" "Mm!" "Mm!" "Mm!" "Fuckin' that!" "He doesn't know what my health is." "At no point has he gone, "No, Karl, it's a serious issue," ""have you got any health problems?"" "He's always pushing a little bit more." "He loves giving pain out." "He's not a Buddhist, he's a lunatic." "Right." "Right!" "What am I doing?" "Seriously, what is going on here?" "OK, Karl, I give you a challenge." "What sort of challenge?" "What's the other challenge?" "The glass..." "Balloon." "I'm going to throw the needle from this way to get this balloon." "You're gonna throw a needle through the glass?" "Yes." " Hit the balloon, hole in glass?" " Yes." "So you're..." "Hey!" "Hang on a minute!" "Right." "One, two..." "No way!" "Jesus!" " I'm impressed with that." " You want to have a try?" "Here we go." "Quiet, please." "Quiet, please." "Hm!" "Sorry about that." "I'm not cut out for Kung Fu, I know that much." "That shouldn't hurt, should it?" "Just having a cup of tea." "With all these aches and pains, Ricky and Steve have sorted me out with a Chinese massage, which isn't like them, that." "Get the socks off?" "That's how it starts, isn't it?" "You are having a laugh." "Come on now." "My God." "See that?" "Is that normal?" "Fuckin' hell!" "Stay back here." "Fooey!" "Right, that's hot now." "That's mental." "That's hot, that's hot!" "Fuckin' hell!" "What is she doing?" "What is she doing?" "I've seen massages on the telly, you don't normally have to have a fire extinguisher on standby." " What is this doing?" " It's a traditional Chinese massage." "But tell me why." "Why is this traditional Chinese massage?" " It relaxes..." " No, it doesn't relax me." "What does it do?" "Why is she setting fire to me?" "What good is it doing me?" "Don't just stand there saying it's traditional." "It's traditional, it's a delicacy." "What is she doing?" "When have gloves on fire ever been associated with having a massage?" "Ah!" "I can feel it." "I can feel it." " I might as well have walked in there..." " Aaagh!" "and been greeted by Edward Scissor-hands." "Right, I felt that." "Put it out." "Put it out, please!" "It's not a good sort of combination that, really." "Something done like that, with a woman who can't understand me." "This leg's fine, tell her." "This leg is great." "I just want this one doing, then we can go." "Ah!" "That's hot now." "Maybe she's just a frustrated magician or something." "Aaaagh!" "Couldn't get a gig doing magic, ends up doing back rubs and she's come up with an idea with gloves on fire." "Aaaagh!" "I screamed me head off, didn't I, cos it was..." "And I'm not messing for the cameras, cos I don't really do that." "It really hurt." "What was that bleeping sound?" "Fire alarm?" "Well, I've traveled miles, haven't I?" "And this is the end of it, is it?" "I thought you were meant to save the best till last, but what is this?" "Bloody hell." "That's where it ends, isn't it?" "I haven't got another message from Steve saying "Get your snorkel out, you still haven't seen it all."" "And this definitely isn't new, is it?" "They've still got Handy Andy working on it by the sound of things." "It doesn't feel like a Wonder of the World, does this bit." "I liked it up on the hills where nobody was, but you've got a fella down there selling hot dogs." "They've built a bit of a conservatory on it over there." "Bloke flogging' photographs." "And them lot banging." "It's nonstop." "I don't get it though, how come..." "This isn't protecting anything, is it?" "Cos if the enemy was coming down there, come across there, buy a hot dog, and they want to get over it." "You've only got to take your shoes and socks off, it's not even that deep there, you can just wander round it." "So what is it protecting?" "It's my last sin that I've got to get rid of." "There's an old Chinese proverb, by this Mao fella, that says... a toad in a well only gets to see some of the sky." "And if the toad came up, he'd see more of the world... which, you know, is a bit like me in a way," "I've seen more of the world just from doing this." "I don't know if it's made me a better person or not, but he's saying it is, he's saying if you get out of the well and see the bigger picture..." "it's good for you." "But I'd say it isn't." "And it's not even worth getting out and seeing more sky here cos of all the pollution." "And definitely if you're a toad, I wouldn't get out of any hole here, cos they'll cut your head off and eat you."