"For the love of God, please ask me the question now." "Geography." ""What is the second largest city in the Soviet Union?"" "Moscow is the largest." "Any fool would know that." "A clever man might say Novosibirsk, 'cause it's the capital of Siberia." " Might be overthinking things." " Might." "Uh-oh." "Is it St. Petersburg?" "Yes, I believe it is St. Petersburg." "Thank you." "Thank you." "I am a trivia god." "I am so sorry, buddy." "Beg your pardon?" "It's Leningrad." "And it's my turn." "Leningrad is St. Petersburg." "They're the same city, Paul." "No, I said which Soviet city, not which Russian." "And during the Soviet era, it was Leningrad." "Says so right here on the card." "See? "Leningrad."" "Yes, it does say that on the card, because this game is from 1984." " Yeah." " I will not be denied my sweet-tasting victory just because you can't pay $40 for another Trivial Pursuit." "Money has nothing to do with it." "I've had this game since I was six." "Playing with a new edition would feel like... like Alex Trebek without his moustache." " It just wouldn't feel right." " I like him without the moustache." " You like that moustache on him?" " Oh, yeah." "Let's say we ask the sultry young Shelly." "James." "Shelly!" " Yeah?" " Hi, Shelly." "Alex Trebek's facial hair..." "what say you?" "Sine qua non?" "I don't speak geek, dude." "It's not geek." "It's Latin." "I can teach you if you wanted to learn." "You guys want another round of drinks or something?" "Not for me." "I have a date with my endless dissertation." "Dissertation?" "Constipation." "Come on, Paul." "The night is still young, the grog is flowing, the women are scrumptious and, more importantly, we have more time for another trivia game." "I can't." "Classes start tomorrow." "I have to finish this thesis from hell if it kills me." "You've been saying that for eight years." "It's time to stop screwing around." "It's time to be a man." "And what, pray tell, are you going to do after graduation?" "I don't know." "What do you mean by "after"?" "What do you mean by "man"?" "Good night, James." "Free hug?" "Yeah." "All right." "Thanks, man." "You're welcome." "Free hug, dude?" "Uh, no." "Oh." "I..." "Hello?" "Excuse me." "Hi." "Hi." "Do you know how to get to the Natural Resources Building?" "There it is." "Did I mention I'm incredibly dense?" "And a freshman?" "Well, that's okay." "They're one and the same." "They've done tests and everything." ""They"?" "Yeah, the guys that do the tests on all the..." " Oh, on the stuff." "Right." " Yes, on that." "Okay." " Better get to class." " Okay." " Thank you." " Sure." "Actually, you know what?" "I have class in this building too." "The Bible as Literature." "Yeah." "Me too." " Really?" " Yeah." "Apparently, the professor is famous in Ann Arbor." "I'm Paul, by the way." "Oh." "I'm Naomi." "You want to sit together?" "I don't know anyone." "I totally would." "I just..." "I kind of have to sit back here." "There's assigned seating in college?" "Just for me." "I'm a TA." "Oh." "So you're old?" "Yes." "Yes, I am." "Oh." "Okay." "Bye." "Paul, bonjour." "Lucas Brannstrom." "I haven't seen you since that Foucault seminar." "No, it's..." "Paul, it's not "Foucault."" "It's "Foucault." It's in the throat." "But it's very difficult for you Americans to pick up the subtleties of our language." "You're not French." "No, I'm Swedish." "But Foucault visited Stockholm many times." "Hey, I didn't realize they were letting comp lit guys TA this semester." "Well, I've wanted to work for this professor for a very long time." "He's very selective." "How many times have you been a TA in this course?" "Five." "Oh." "That is amazing." "You must be a very gifted scholar." "Hello, folk!" "Good morning and a rich welcome to you." "Marvelous to be with you." "I expect that you're as happy to be back as I am after the languid ease of the summer, lounging on the beach and so on, eh?" "Back to the urgency of the life of the mind." " Yea, nay?" " Yea." " Yea." " Yea." "Many of you I recognize." "Some I haven't seen yet." "I'll get to know your faces and attach names to them by about the second and third day of class." " Hi." " Hi." "And then if you're absent, you see, I'll miss you the first day." "Hi." "Good to see you." " Your name?" " Naomi." "Naomi." "Thank you." "Welcome." "Hi." "Ciao." "I'll get over to those on the other side of the room next day, and soon I'll have names and faces and the intimate details of the lives of each of you." "This is English 401, the Bible in English, The Bible as Literature." "Let me begin by inviting you on a journey and inviting you to take that journey with an open mind to your first, or a fresh, confrontation with collections of texts... collections which are variously in the Jewish and Christian traditions called "the Bible."" "It's a journey into the heart of those texts, a journey into the heart of our culture, and a journey, as well, if you choose to make it so, into the heart of yourselves." "My name is Elliot Tarson." "I'll be your companion on this journey." "I'd like also to introduce my four colleagues in the course, your section leaders." "First, there is Nick Laroussa and Jessica Young and Lucas Brannstrom, and my own brilliant son... forgive me, I'm so proud..." "Paul, who has been with me in the course a number of times." "Could you stand for a moment and say hello so that the whole group gets to know you?" "Hello." "Wonderful." "Paul, you are the professor's son." "Yeah." " Hey, Mom." " Hey." "Got the ketchup for the loaf of meat." "Perfect." "Oh, and I want a full update on class today." "Class was great." "Good." "Your father is in the study." "He wants to talk to you." "Okay." "Hey, Dad." "Fantastic lecture today." "Oh, you do know how to flatter the old man." "Paul, I want to have a discussion with you for a moment." "Sit." "Um, okay." "I ran into your advisor earlier, and I must say I'm worried that you haven't made adequate progress towards your degree." "Dad, I've been working on my dissertation a lot." "I mean, a lot." "Were you working on it a lot when I saw you the other day going into the pub with your friend James?" "Paul," "I instructed Dr. Hoguefeld that this is to be your last semester of funding from the department." "Wait." "What?" "It's time for you to take your degree." "Dad, my dissertation..." "I still have to look over Hoguefeld's notes, and... and... and I haven't even started on Whittier yet." "Okay." "I've been kind of stuck." "Oh, son, that's nothing to be embarrassed about at all." "You mentioned Whittier." "I touch on Whittier in Chapter 32 of the Tarson Guide." "It may be of help to you." "Yea?" "Yea, nay?" "Yea." ""My opinion on this topic matter are opposing heroes is biologically and mentally 'retardment."'" "This is a 16-year-old in my SAT class." "16." "He does not know the correct word for retarded, and he wants to go to college." "This is what my genius is wasted on in test prep..." ""retardment."" "I'm gonna graduate." "Yeah, yeah, I know." "Really." "I lost my funding." "I have to graduate this semester." "What are you gonna do?" "This." "Trivia and beer." "The god of geekdom has rewarded our lifetime of worshipping his nerdy altar." "Yes!" "I knew you'd be down." "Of course I'm down." "Jesus, I work in test prep." "I have no life." "What about you, though?" "You're gonna graduate?" "What about your dissertation?" "No, to hell with it." "I am so sick of all this giant life-altering crap." "That is the beauty of trivia, my friend." "It is trivial..." "totally and absolutely meaningless." "Okay." "So what you're saying is that we need to do this precisely because we do not need to do this." " Yes." " That's compelling." "Six big rounds of hardcore, no-holds-barred trivia at bars all over the city." "We are talking hollow glory." "We are talking pointless honor." "We are talking groupies who are vaguely unattractive at best." "Groupies?" "Yes, groupies." "I foresee one difficulty... sports." " Sports?" " Sports." "Sports is an essential part of trivia." "I mean, I can list and diagram every organelle inside of a cell, but I have never once attempted a stuff shot in a basket hoop." "Okay, all right." "Relax." "I'll figure it out." "This is not gonna be easy." "We're talking about practice, training, honing our intellects every single day." "If we're gonna do this, we're not gonna half-ass it." "We're gonna need both cheeks." "Of course." "But that's the best thing about this." "At the end of the day, none of it matters." "I mean, who gives a crap whether we win or lose?" "But we will win, won't we?" " Yeah, sure." "Maybe." " All right." " Yeah!" " You need to work on that." "Come on, Tarson." "Get your head in the game." "Hello, folk!" "Welcome." "This is..." "This is English 401," "Section 12 of the Bible as Literature." "My name's Paul." "And in case you missed it," "I am, in fact, the son of the man, the myth, the legend, Professor Tarson himself." "Okay, let's get started." "Let's pull out your Tarson Guides to Chapter 1." "Excuse me?" "If you have a question, please raise your hand." "Excuse me." "Thank you." "Yeah, can you please tell us a little bit more about yourself?" "Uh, well..." "I think I said I'm Professor Tarson's son." "No, I mean, something about you." "We all know who your dad is." "I mean, what else do you study?" "Do you study other ancient religions or just Scriptures from the Bible or..." "Well, okay." "I'm a doctoral student in English lit, but, yes, I do study the Bible." "And that is study, not preach, per se." "Specifically, my dissertation investigates the King James Bible and the many points of intersection within Western literary canon, with a focus on the significance of language and communication as a locus to the transcendent, while embodying complex tropes" "and even perhaps both communal and individual identity, which, not surprisingly, lends itself to a vital tension of the static versus the dynamic..." "Sorry." "...as is often made manifest in the pre and postmodern era." "What the hell?" "Hands, please." "Okay, but what do you hope to get from it?" "I mean, why do you study the Bible?" "Okay." "Naomi, I know that you're new at this, but this class is not about religion, it's about literature." "That's not what I mean." "What I mean..." "And it is imperative that we approach this topic dispassionately." " That's not possible." " It's absolutely possible." "Trust me." "Okay?" "Moving on." "Look, I don't know a thing about the Bible, okay?" "My parents are atheists." "Never read it before in my life." "But I see how important that book is to so many people, and I want to understand that." "I mean, that's why I'm here." "That's why I'm studying the Bible." "See?" "The Bible absolutely saved my life." " Really?" " Yeah." "I read the Bible every night before I go to bed, religiously," " and I'm not even religious." " If we could..." "I remember the first time I read the Bible, when I was four years old." "There's something about the stories." "I mean, Heston in The Ten Commandments." "One of my moms is a rabbi." "I just need the credits." "Enough." "That's enough." "I'm the teacher in this class." "Me." "And we have a lot of work to do." "So, if you wouldn't mind pulling out your Tarson Guides and turning to Chapter 1." "She sounds positively succulent." " She's a student." " Oh, come now, Paul." "Are you gonna tell me that you've never fantasized about having a sexy young sultress in your office hours alone?" "She's got a plaid school outfit on, knee-high white stockings, ruffled pink panties, brand-new penny loafers, oiled leather, lace." "You bend her over your hard oaken desk, teach her the ways of the gun." "No." "Really?" "That's the whole reason I became a teacher." "It's unethical." "It's unprofessional." "It's completely against university bylaws." "Besides, she's a freshman." "Aha." "Forbidden fruit, ripe for the plucking." "Virile, nubile, tactile..." "Okay, can we talk about trivia, please?" "Fine." "And what, might I ask, have you determined about our sports dilemma?" "The guy is a sports genius." "I went to Catholic school with him back in the 4th grade." "The fourth grade?" "You're telling me you haven't seen this guy in 15 years?" "How do we know he's any good?" " He was the class jock." " In fourth grade." "James, you should've seen the way this guy dominated kickball." " He could kick that thing for miles." " Yeah, in fourth grade." "He's the only athlete I've ever been friends with." "Would you please give him a chance?" "Uh, Izzy." "Izzy Dasselway." " Oh, God, no." " Hey, man." "Thanks for coming down." "Long time no see." "You ready for this action?" "You ready for this?" "I'm Ice, bitch." "Right now." "Do it." "Do it." "Do it." "Uh, okay." "This is, uh, James Koogly." "It's a pleasure." "Ice will get in your head." "And when Ice is in your goddamn head, you ain't gonna get the Ice out." "I am freakin' Ice..." "Oh, shit." "All right." "Welcome all to the first annual" "Ann Arbor Pub Trivia Tournament, sponsored by L'Italia wine and Sex Candy, edible prophylactics." "Sex Candy." "Tastes so good, you'll buy it for the meal." "I'm Brian Collins, and this is my lovely assistant, Shelly." "Oh, yeah." "Hey, Brian, is that a pen in your pocket, or are you excited to do some trivia?" " Yes." "Yeah." " I'm excited to do trivia." "Team name." "What's our team name?" "I have been brainstorming about this, okay?" "What do you think of Apostles of Angst?" "Or..." "Okay, okay." "Or The Many Secret Loves of Anais Nin?" "Ice Tigers." "The name is Ice Tigers." "Okay." "That, uh..." "That's intriguing, but perhaps..." "Right now, trivia contests are being held at other inferior bars all over our great city." "The top three teams from each bar will go on to compete in the next round until the championship, where the final six teams will compete for ultimate supremacy." "Oh, hey, look who it is." "It's Paul, huh?" "You're the ultimate scholar, I hear, right?" "Hey, is Daddy gonna come and help you out on the team tonight?" "'Cause looking at the team, you're definitely gonna need it." "Hey, Brannstrom, you comp lit pricks think you're so cool just because you study literature in two different languages." "Yeah, that's about right." "We do." " Damn Swede." " Yeah." "The first half of tonight's contest consists of 20 questions worth one point each." "Here we go." "Question one." ""What ruler famous for his laws" ""created the ancient empire of Babylonia in 16th century BCE?"" "Hammurabi." "Next." ""What is the largest bird of prey in the Western Hemisphere?"" "And, no, it is not Shelly." "What about the penguin?" "They catch fish with their claws." "Andean condor." "One minute left." ""What Baroque composer is best known for his classic work Messiah?" "Was this composer born "ba-roke," or did they just die "ba-roke"?" "20 seconds." "Five, four, three, two, one." "Right." "The next category is sports." "Ice is all over this shit." ""What professional golfer won the first ever Green Jacket awarded to a Masters Champion?"" "Izzy?" "Ice." "Five seconds." "Ice has no idea." ""Ice has no idea"?" "Ice is supposed to be the stinking sports expert." "He is." "But not golf." "Okay, okay." "There are a lot of other sports." " It's okay." " Next question." ""Who captained the French national soccer team that won the 1984 Olympics?"" " Who is it?" " Soccer." "What the shit do they think Ice is, a goddamn Euro-fag?" "Okay, Ice." "Are there any sports that Ice does know?" "The big ones..." "basketball, football..." ""What is the name of the first Japanese player ever to play for the American major leagues?"" "Yeah, pretty much just basketball and football." "And kickball." "I'll take these." "All right." "All right." "At the end of the first half of tonight's contest, in first place so far, with an impressive showing of 18 out of 20 points, we have Den Mördaren av Kultur och Himmelak-Själ." "Tied for second and third place, with 17 points," " are the Sig Apes..." " Yeah!" "...and Moo Shu Dork." " Yeah!" "And in fourth place, with 15 points, the Ice Tigers." "And, no, fellas, the first Japanese baseball player in the US was not Noriyuki "Pat" Morita." "This is absolutely ridiculous." "Those frat morons are beating us." "If we keep this up, we're not gonna make it" " to the next round of the tournament." " Wait." "No." "No." "Men, we can do this." "It's gonna take a little luck, but I believe in the Ice Tigers." "Now, come on." "We have an entire half to go." "That is 20 more questions, right?" "The final half of the contest consists of only one question." "Damn." "And the category is sports." "Ah, mutatis mutandis!" "Don't mess with the Ice in Latin!" " I shit Latin!" " Okay, okay." "Calm down." "Calm down." "Now, I didn't know if it would come to this, but I think it's officially time for my special trivia pen." "What's so special about it?" "Well, it's got my name on it..." "Paul." "Ice digs." "The final question is an identification." ""Name each of the colleges that goes with the school mascots pictured here."" "Ice." "Shit." "Oh, and one last bonus." "You see that little box at the bottom?" "That's double or nothing." "You check that box, you get them all right, you get double the points, worth a possible 20 total." "But you get even one of them wrong, and you get nada." "This is all Ice." "Are you..." "Ice, do it." "Ten seconds left." "All right." "Here we go." "This is it." "In first place, with 38 points, an impressive showing, our first qualifier for the next round of the Ann Arbor Trivia Tournament," "Den Mördaren and blah, blah, blah." "Good for you, dude." "Jackass." "Our next qualifier, in second place tonight, The Sig Apes." "This is a travesty of competitive trivia." "There's one more spot." "And our final qualifier, in third place with 35 points... and I didn't think these guys were gonna pull it off..." "The Lice Floggers." "Wait." "Who?" "Oh." "Sorry." "Ice Tigers." " We won!" " Yes!" "Nobody shits the Ice." "Ice is in your head." "We're number three, mucus mucockis!" "I'm a qualifier." "I've never qualified for anything in my whole life." "I work in test preparation." "That's right." " Let's get a drink." " Yeah." "Yeah." "Right on." "Hey, Naomi." "Hey." "Oh, is it okay for me to speak, or do I need to raise my hand?" "Listen, I'm really sorry about that." "I get nervous when I talk in front of people." "So maybe we can try again?" "To talk." "To talk?" "Yeah." "About the Bible." "Do you want to come to my office hours?" "I have a better idea." "Let's talk right now." "I can't right now." "You remember?" "I have to sit with the TAs and..." "I know." "Not in there." "Out there." "Wait." "You mean..." "Yeah." "I heard you can skip in college." "Apparently they don't even take attendance." "I can't." "I'm a TA." "I have to be at lecture." "I can't skip." "Okay." "Later, Teach." "According to Richwell..." "Are there questions of me before I begin?" "Excuse me." "Hi." "Sorry, sir, but lecture is about to start." "Listen, I gave it some thought, and I think spending the morning outside would have definite educational value." "Okay." "A story which is there is..." "It's okay." "I'm her TA." "...and which, in a long family line..." "Gotta go." "...right to the point which we associate with Rebekah." "What, is this, like, the first time you've ever skipped class?" "What?" "Come on." "No." "It's okay." "It's my first time too." "So... the Bible." "Yes." "Hey, what's that?" "What?" "Oh, that." "It's just some crap the university does to help the kids relax." "Only morons do it." "Sweet." "No..." "Okay, seriously?" "You don't understand." "I have no physical coordination whatsoever." " Oh, so you're useless?" " Not useless." "Look, I'm great at trivia." "Do you play Trivial Pursuit?" "Oh, so you're useless and a giant geek." "Got it." "Come on." "Jump!" " Are you okay?" " Oh, yeah." "Hey, whatever happened to" ""I just want to understand what makes the Bible so important to people"?" "I do." "That's why I'm working on my own religion, thank you very much." "Little Thingie-ism." ""Little Thingie-ism."" "The belief in life that only the little things matter." "Okay." ""Okay"?" "Like when someone reads you a story." "Or when you're taking a bath, and you've been in there for way too long, and you look down and you have those ugly, crinkly, pruney fingertips, and it makes you laugh just like that." "Or you're busy moon bouncing when you should be in lecture hall." "Yeah, sure." "It's not like you're paying to go to school or anything." "Oh, yeah." "Well, why don't I just spew a bunch of nerd speak" " and call it a day?" " Careful." "Try this." " Take it easy." " Boom!" " Okay." " Bring it." "All right." "You're such a dork." "I'm okay." "I'm okay." "You know, you never answered my question in class, by the way." " What's that?" " Why do you study the Bible?" "I don't know." "I never really thought about it, honestly." "I don't like to teach." "Hate it, actually." "Okay." "Well, then, why would you..." "Okay, I was an undergrad, and I thought about doing a lot of different things, and then I took my dad's Bible as Lit class." " Your dad's Bible lit class?" " Yeah." "So, you went here as an undergrad?" "Yeah." "I've lived in Ann Arbor my whole life." "What?" "What a loser." "I would've gone crazy." "I couldn't wait to get out of the house." "What?" "Wait a minute." "Where are you from?" "Bloomfield Hills." "Bloom..." "Come on!" "That's, like, 45 minutes from here." "It is a really long 45 minutes." "Oh, please." "Listen, listen." "Ann Arbor is a great place to spend your life, okay?" " Okay." " You out-of-towners all come in here for your frat parties and your football games." "By the way, I've never been to one of those games." "Not one." "And I am proud of it, because there's a lot more to this city than that... things that you can only learn through time, through experience, commitment." "I could show you a few things." "Oh, really?" "Yeah." "You just asked me out on a date." "Yeah." "Yeah, I did." "Good." "Good." "And we are totally going to a game." "You've really never been to a Michigan game?" " Never." " That's just weird." "You're weird." "Next question." "Okay." ""What award does the winner of the PGA Championship receive?"" " Starts with a W." " Hey!" "Okay." "The..." "Ends with an "er" sound." ""Er."" "All right." "Sounds like a swan, okay?" "Think about a swan." "Swanamake..." " The Wanamaker Trophy." " Yes!" "Yes!" "You is the Ice." " God!" "Vigilantibus aequitas." " Shit." "No hints." "No hints." "I understand that you want us to improve, okay?" "But is the implementation of torture really necessary?" "This isn't torture." "I got this from a friend of mine in the psych department." "It's science." "Maybe I should use this in my test prep class, huh?" "You think these clamps would attach to a human nipple?" "You're not in grad school, slicky?" "No, slicky ain't in grad school, thank you..." "Wait." "What do you do, huh, oh, spastic homunculus?" "The lumberyard." "The lumberyard." "Jesus Chri..." "I'm teammates with "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan over here." "What do you guys think about getting team shirts?" "Ice." "Yes." "Shit." "Oh, damn it." "I gotta run." "What do you mean you gotta run?" "Where you gotta run?" "Ice, you're in charge of team shirts." " Done." " From now on, we meet here every morning at 9 a.m. To practice." "No more third place." "We got a shot to win this bad boy." "Wait, wait. 9 a.m.?" "Don't you have class then?" "Yeah." "Apparently they don't even take attendance." "That's how ice skating goes." "That I know..." "We're number two!" "Okay." "Here." "Stop here." "Okay." "This is where I went to grade school and high school." "Father Gabriel Richard." "Three blocks from the university?" "Father Gabriel Richard founded the University of Michigan." "Besides, it's at least 20 blocks away from my preschool." "That's a big deal." "Come on." "Oh." "I'm catching up." "Hey, leave your bike here." "Okay." " Come on." " Okay." "Almost there." "Okay?" " Yeah." " And this is it." "The infamous rope swing." "Oh, awesome." "When I was a kid," "I used to come up here all the time and watch my friends swing out and let go." "What about you?" "Not once." "Bye." "Oh, my God." "It's freezing." "My nuts are the size of peas!" "What are you doing?" "What do you think I'm doing?" "What..." "Here goes nothing." "Oh, my gosh." " Are you okay?" " Yeah." "I'm awesome." "Wow." "It's worse than I thought." "What's that?" "This is an original edition." "Yeah, that's right." "You wanna play?" "I'll go easy on you, I swear." "What does this tell me about you?" "About the real Paul Tarson?" "Absolutely nothing." "That's the point." "Really?" "What?" "Nothing." "Read me something." " What?" " Something from the Bible." "Oh, come on." "You've got your paper on the brain." "It's due in two weeks." "I would really like to hear your favorite story." "Please?" "All right, all right." ""Now, the serpent was more subtle" ""than any beast the Lord God had made." ""And he said to the woman," ""'Did God really say you shall not eat from the tree in the garden?" "'"" ""And the woman said to the serpent," ""'We must not, or we will die.'" ""But the woman saw the fruit was pleasing to the eyes," ""so she took it and ate it" ""and gave it to her husband to eat."" ""Then they heard the Lord God walking in the cool of the garden," ""and they hid." ""The Lord God called to Adam and said," ""'Did you eat from the fruit I commanded you not to eat?" "'"" ""And Adam said, 'I did.'"" ""So the Lord God banished him from the garden of Eden..."" ""...to work the earth from which he'd been taken."" "Thank you." "When I was a kid, my dad was... away at lectures a lot and conferences, always surrounded by students and academic bigwigs, that kind of thing." "So the only time that I really had him to myself was when he was reading me Bible stories, like that one." "He, uh..." "He could really bring them to life." "All of them..." "Solomon, David, Moses." "And, well, it was amazing." "It was like the two of us were really there, together, you know?" "That's the reason." "That's the reason I decided to study the Bible." "That's beautiful." "Although it's not like having his wife turned into a pillar of salt did Lot any good." "It's not like God turned him into a deer." "Get it?" "Deer, salt..." "lick." "Oh, God." "Okay." "Okay." "Don't forget to leave your papers on the chair as you leave." "Thanks." "Hello." "Good to see you." "Good to see you." " Hello, David." "How are you?" " Good to see you." " Professor, good to see you." " Hi, Alison." "Hey, Dad." "What brings you to this side of the building?" "So sorry to intrude, son, but I couldn't wait to tell you the good news." "Good news?" "What's going on?" "I'm going to retire." "What?" "Why?" "Well, it's getting time for me to cultivate my garden, son." "And with you finishing your doctoral dissertation, at last, this is an ideal time to pass on my legacy." "Dad, what's going on?" "A new assistant professorship." "And with your unique knowledge of my work and this university, there's a genuine chance that you could be appointed in my place." "Take your place?" "Oh, Paul, this is tenure-track." "Hard to come by." "Look, Dad, I know." "I know." "But, look, I still have that writer's block and..." "Still?" "Yeah." "Paul, I asked you to come around my office weeks ago if this persisted." " What have you been doing?" " I've been playing..." "I've been playing pub trivia." "Pub trivia?" "It's fun." "Okay." "Listen, Dad." "I don't know if this is what I want to do." "Teach, I mean." "I..." "I don't..." "Well, that is your decision, when you've taken enough time to make what you can call a decision." "You've worked very hard for such an opportunity." "And to see you follow my work would make me very proud." "No, you're right." "You're right." "Thank you." "Wonderful." "Oh, there is one more thing, son." "It's been brought to my attention that you've been seeing a great deal of a female student." "I don't need to tell you that such a relationship would be quite imprudent." "Especially for a future professor." "Yea, nay?" "Yea." "Tonight, we're separating the trivia men from the trivia boys, because the top three teams are gonna go on to compete in the championship round next month." "What happened?" "You look positively tubercular." "Here." "Ice Tiger!" "Should there be stripes?" "Our first question tonight comes to us from the fascinating world of golf." ""What is the name of the trophy awarded to the winner of the PGA Championship?"" "Nobody shits the Ice." "I need a drink." "So at the conclusion of the first half of tonight's trivia-a-thon, we've got Bikers for Obama with third place," "17 points and a rad name." "With 19 points for second place so far, we have Den Mördaren av Kultur och Himmelak-Själ." "And in the lead, with an unprecedented perfect score of 20 points, the Ice Tigers." " Yes!" "Good job." " Ice Tiger!" "Oh, hey, Paul," "I just wanted to come over to say congratulations." "Oh, why's that, Brannstrom, because we're kicking your proto-Nordic butts?" "No, see, Paul is on the fast track for a tenure position at the university." "Yeah, word travels very quickly." "Paul, Jesus, Mary, Jo..." "Congratulations, old chum." "Well, I'm sure his papa had something to do with this." "Yea, nay?" "Screw you." "You get so mad when I mention your papa." "But if I had daddy like this, I would take his charity too." "Yeah." "And what does he think about the new girl?" "Does she say..." "Hello, you fool." "I love you." "Come on, join my joyride." "Yeah, you want to join the joyride?" " Save it!" "Save it for trivia!" " Shelly, help me, please." " He's got a switchblade." " It's not a switchblade." "Switchblade comb." "Ice uses it to comb his hair." "Let's see if we can't settle this like men." "Sorry." "All right, people." "Final question of the night here in the special category Elizabeth Montgomery." "How do I love thee?" "Let me count the ways." "An entire category on actress Elizabeth Montgomery?" "It's..." "My God, it's criminal." "I mean, even if we get this last answer, we're only gonna have 35 points." "Okay." "Relax." "Get that out of there." "I got this one, okay?" ""In the Montgomery TV juggernaut Bewitched," ""the actor playing her husband Darrin" ""was notoriously switched" ""in the middle of the series" ""without any explanation." "What were the names of the two actors who played Darrin?"" "And you gotta get them both." "Damn it." "This should be easy." "Whoa, whoa." "You don't know?" "I do." "Damn." "I should." "It's..." "It's..." "The first one is Dick Sargent." "The second one is..." " One minute left." " Dick something." "Darrin was two Dicks?" "Yes, two Dicks played Darrin." "Okay, okay." "So we need all the Dicks we know." "All right?" "So..." " Dick Van Patten?" " No." " Dick Van Dyke?" " No." " Dick Clark?" " No, no." " Dick Cavett?" " No." " Dick Cheney?" " Come on." "All right." "I'm sorry." "Andy Dick?" " No, damn it!" " Thirty seconds left." "Maybe it's not Dick." "What about, like, Johnnie Cochran?" "Or Courteney Cox?" "Freddie Dingus?" "Tommy Two-Balls?" "Shlong von Shlongstein?" "No, no, no." "Wait." "It's..." "It's Dick Wilson." " It's Dick Wilson." " Okay." "He was a major actor in the mid-'60s." "He did television, theater, movies, the whole thing." "It's gotta be him." " Are you sure it's Dick Wilson?" " Yes." "Just because he was on Broadway does not mean he was doing Bewitched." "It's Dick Wilson." "Last 20 seconds." "No." "It's Dick York." " Dick York?" " Yeah." "Dick York." " Who the hell is that?" " Dick York is the guy." "He's the other Darrin." "I can't believe I didn't think of it." "No." "No." "It's Dick Wilson." "Listen, listen." " Paul, trust me, okay?" " Ten..." " It's Dick York." " James, I trust you." "You're wrong." "...eight, seven..." " Who's the pop culture expert here?" " Who's the one who started this team, James?" "...six, five..." " I know the answer." " Dick Spankalicious." "...three, two, one." " No, he's porn." "Pencils down." "Fine." "Winner." "Winner." "All right, ladies and gentlemen, tonight's winners." "With an impressive come-from-behind win, 37 points, the Aryans with the big obnoxious name." "Nice, man." "In second place, with a strong showing of 36 points," " we got Bikers for Obama." " Yeah!" " Yeah!" " Right, right." "And in third place, with 35 points, our final qualifiers for next month's trivia tournament championship," "The Luscious Lovelorn Ladies of Lasciviousness." "Luscious!" "Luscious!" "Luscious!" "Luscious!" "Luscious!" "No, no." "Hey, what about the Ice Tigers?" "Uh, Ice Tigers." "Let's see." "Fourth with 34 points." "Sorry, fellas." "But come on." "Everybody knows the second Darrin is Dick York." "What about the illustrious Dick Wilson?" "Great actor in a bunch of old Charmin ads." "Had a great catchphrase." ""Please don't squeeze the Charmin."" " I love that guy." " Yeah, me too." "I told you it was Dick York." "Oh, you told me it was Dick York." "What do you know about Dick York?" "You don't know jack about Dick York." "Obviously, I know more than you." "Well, I guess you're right." "Christ." "We're standing out here arguing about a magical housewife who can wiggle her goddamn nose." "He played her husband." "Don't you guys get it?" "It doesn't matter!" "It doesn't matter." "So what?" "We lost some damn trivia contest." "We're not gonna get a box of wine." "Who cares?" "I'm still gonna wake up tomorrow here, and I'm gonna be here forever and ever talking about intellectual crap that nobody cares about and go on being Professor Elliot Tarson's son." "And what is so damn wrong with that?" "He is the best father in the world, and he loves me, and he would do anything for me, and he wouldn't care if I went and had sex with the whole English department." "Paul, please." "Your life is fantastic." "You get paid to study." "To study." "I would switch with you any day of the week, and yet all you do is gripe and moan and lament your fate ad infinitum." ""Ad infinitum"?" "James, you are not some ancient Platonic philosopher." "You teach test prep." "Test prep." "You couldn't even get into grad school." "That's why he's not a grad student." "He was rejected." "He knows all these fancy words, but he didn't have the grades, so he teaches test prep." "Shit, man." "Ice is done." "Ice..." "Your name is Izzy, man." "You're not the Ice." "You're a lumberjack who talks about himself in the third person and was really great at kickball in the fourth grade, and he carries around a comb that looks like a switchblade, which is actually kind of cool." "I'm going home." "Yeah." "Yeah, you're damn right you're going home." "Ice Losers." "That's..." "I said, hello, you fool!" "I love you!" "Come on, join the joyride!" "Paul?" "Come on!" "I suck." "Hello, folk!" "I'm gonna catch up with you guys later." "East U?" " Yeah, yeah, yeah." " Okay." "Bye." "Bye." "Who are those guys?" "They're no one." "They live in my hall." "Are you okay?" "Of course I'm okay." "What about you?" "Haven't seen you in class in a while." "What about that paper?" "Yea, nay?" "You gonna be able to get home safe?" "Come on." "What's the rush?" "Well, there's this party, and it's kind of an undergrad thing." "No." "No." "Don't be so lame." "Lame?" "Listen, I'm sorry." "I've had a really bad day." "And you're gonna love this one, I promise." " Oh, I am?" " I promise." "It's right over there." "Yes?" "Yes?" "Yes!" "Come on." "Come on." "Isn't this great?" "I love how the air smells in here." "All the mustiness from the old rotting books." "Yeah, I love the smell of rotting books." "I'm not kidding." "No, it is really cool." "What are you doing?" "Sex in the stacks?" "Sex in the stacks?" "Yeah." "Everyone has to do it at least once before they graduate." "Okay." "Well, I have three more years." "Well, I don't." "Come on." "Nobody's here." "It's gonna be fun." "Okay." "Yeah?" "Okay." " Yeah." " Okay." "Just get down on the ground." "Okay." "Okay." " Oh, here." " Oh, it's really cold." "Here's a book for your head." "Nietzsche?" " Just use it." "It's fine." " Okay." "Okay." " Wait." "I don't have a condom." " Wait..." "Oh." "I do." "Really?" " Here." " All right." " All right." " I got it." "I got it." "Hold on." "If you..." "Can you just..." " Yep, I'm backing up." "Hang on." " Okay." " Ow." "My knees." " Oh, sorry." "Okay." "All right." " All right." " Wait." "If..." "A little over..." "That's good." " Yeah." " Yeah." " Okay." " Oh, wow." "This is really uncomfortable." "I know." "Okay." "Um, my dad found out about us, so I'm not really gonna be able to hang out with you much anymore." "At all." "Don't make a mess." "I might go to the party." "Okay." "Okay." "I'll see you later." "Yeah." "Free hug." "Oh, hey, Paul." "Bonjour, huh?" "Hello, folks!" "It's an exciting day." "A truly exciting day." "I've just been informed by a colleague that my son, Paul, has just submitted a finished dissertation." "Paul, would you stand and take a bow?" "And will you give him a round of applause?" "Wonderful." "And in honor of the occasion," "I'd like to return now to a story which has been important to Paul and to me since he was a lad." "Yea, Paul?" "Uh, yea." "It's the story in Genesis 3." "And it goes thus:" ""Now, the serpent" ""was more subtle" ""than any of the beasts of the field which the Lord God made"..." "You're all set, Ben." "Thanks so much." "You're just fine." "Real straightforward." "On yours, I like your idea very much." "I think it'll be beautiful." "And you're set, I think." " Best wishes with it." " Thanks." "Hi, Paul." "Hey." "Paul, I hope you don't mind a father's indulging his pride in you." "I thought we both might enjoy that." "I did, Dad." "Your dissertation defense, as I understand, is Friday at 6." "I know I'm not on your dissertation committee, but I'd like to be there." "You don't mind, do you?" "Of course not." "Son, I'm proud." " Naomi." "Hey." "Hi." " Hi." "Oh, God." "Sorry." "I have morning breath." " Guess what?" " What?" "I finished the mighty dissertation." " Really?" " Yeah." "Congratulations." "And I figured out what I'm doing next year." "Where you gonna go?" "I'm gonna stay here." " You are?" " Yeah." "Yeah." "I'm gonna be assistant professor in English lit." "It's tenure-track." "Sweet." ""Sweet"?" "You're not happy?" "I mean, it's a great opportunity." "And it's in Ann Arbor, and all my friends are here, and..." " Yeah, I know." "Totally." " My family's here." "You're here." "What?" "What?" "Nothing." "I feel like we've been having a great time together." "I wouldn't want to wreck it by leaving." "We have been having a good time, but, Paul, I'm a freshman in college." "Well..." "You're, like, 79 years old." "You're my TA." "Didn't your dad yell at you for hanging out with me?" "Okay, I can handle that." "And next year, I won't be your TA, so..." ""Next year"?" "Okay." "I don't know what I'm doing tomorrow or in a week, and you're talking about next year?" "This is way too much for me." "Are you seeing someone else?" "What?" "Are you..." "Of course." "Look at you." "It's the classic walk of shame." " Oh, classic?" " Yeah, classic." "Yeah." "Who is it?" "Is it that chode from lecture, right?" "What is a chode?" "It's a dick that's wider than it is long." "No, I'm not seeing a chode." "I'm not seeing anyone from lecture hall." "Paul, I'm not seeing you." "Look, I am just trying to have fun for the first time in my life." "The doctrine of Little Thingie-ism." "Right." "Yeah." "Okay." "You know what?" "You do what you got to do." "Stay in Ann Arbor." "Tenure-track." "Awesome." "I have shit I have to do, okay?" "Hey, you know, you can't get rid of me that easily." "I'm still your TA." "Excuse me?" "You owe me a paper." "And those absences." "Screw you, Paul." "Look, Naomi, I'm sorry." "You know, if I were you," "I'd think about seeing a shrink, because you clearly have some major daddy issues." " Really?" " Really." "Oh, sure." "I'm on tenure-track!" " Free hug, dude?" " Get a life!" "All right." "Everybody open your Tarson Guides to Chapter 23." "To hell with this." "I suck at lecturing." "Yeah." "You know it." "I know it." "We all know it." "Besides, this is a discussion section, right?" "So let's discuss something." " Okay." "Yeah." " What should we discuss?" "How about my dissertation?" "Yeah, all right, all right." "What about the story that Professor Tarson told in class today?" "Adam and Eve in the garden." "Okay?" "What did you guys think about that?" "What does that story mean?" " Yeah." " It's about sin, disobedience." "Yeah." "Okay." "Good." "It's about Adam and Eve doing something wrong." "Right?" "Sinning." "And we all know sinning is horrible." "Right?" "But..." "But let me ask you this." "Let's say you were Adam or Eve." "And what would you do if you saw that apple?" "Would you take a bite?" "Yeah." "Of course not." "That's disobeying God." "Yeah." "Okay." "Anyone other than Sarah?" "Oh, come on." "Come on." "You're gonna survive, I promise." "Yeah." "I'd do it." "What the hell?" "It's shiny." "It's crisp." "I'm hungry." "Besides, paradise seems like it'd be kind of boring." "Boring." " Yeah." " Come on." "Paradise can't be boring." "It's paradise." "Totally boring." "Spending every day in some garden." "No working, no shopping..." "Shit, man, that sounds like paradise to me." "To hell with raising your hand." "Just jump in." "Go." "Uh, yeah." "And what about all the awesome stories in the Bible?" "Moses, David, Jesus?" "I mean, none of that would've happened if Adam and Eve weren't tossed out of paradise." "Good." "Great." "So maybe paradise isn't all it's cracked up to be?" "So does that mean that maybe there's some benefit to challenging God?" "No." "You have to do what God says." "That's the point." "He's God." "It's like when you're a little kid, and you steal from the cookie jar." "Sure, you know it's bad to break the rules, but where would you be if you didn't break any rules?" "What does eating apples have to do with cookie jars?" "And if she didn't the apple, does that mean more cookies?" "Yes." "Yes." "Exactly." "Now, what are we doing right now?" "What have we been doing in discussing this?" " We've been questioning." " We're challenging." " Yes." "Just like..." " Adam and Eve." "So by doing this, by challenging, it's like we're creating our own creation story." "Exactly." "Exactly." "It's almost as if, in the very act of destruction, we've been creating literature." "We've been creating something..." "Holy." "Divine." "And that, ladies and gentlemen, is my dissertation." "Nice." "Hey, James." "Thanks for coming." "I came here for one reason, and for one reason alone." "What was that?" "It was supposed to be a punch." "You spilled my coffee." "All right." "I deserved that." "Or maybe something more effective than that." "Yeah, well, you were right." "Test prep is nefarious, abhorrent, execrable, and I clearly do use a lot of big words to make up for my failings." "No." "No." "The big words are great." "They're you." "It's just," "I was dealing with a lot of stuff, and I really blew it for you and the Ice Tigers, and I'm sorry." "Well, apology gladly accepted, old chum." "It's like you said at the outset though, trivia is completely meaningless, you know?" "Who gives a damn whether we win or lose?" "You sure?" "'Cause I recently had a conversation with one Brian Collins." "From Ashley's?" "Why?" "Well, I didn't know what I was gonna say when I went in there, but I knew I wasn't leaving until I got the Ice Tigers back in that championship." "Yeah, but we lost." "But Brian Collins told me that the security cameras at the Eight Ball caught the second-place team using their iPods to cheat." "Bikers for Obama?" "No." "Yeah." "Disqualified." "You mean..." "You're in, baby." "Hallelujah!" "My life has meaning!" "Wait..." "Hold on a second." "What do you mean, "You're in?"" "My dissertation defense is the same night as the championship." "What are we gonna do?" "What do you mean?" "You and Izzy are gonna play." "You're gonna be the Ice Tigers." "That's preposterous." "We can't play without you." " Of course you can." " We're gonna get obliterated." "Bullshit." "You know as much about history as I do." "You know more about pop culture." "Izzy is gonna destroy on sports." "You guys don't need me." "You're gonna win this." "Yeah, but what about you?" "You spent the last seven years sleepwalking through academia, and you finally found one thing in your life that actually makes you happy, no matter how stupid or small it is, and you're just gonna throw it away." "And for what?" "For what you want or for what he wants?" "James, it's trivia." "Save me some boxed wine." " Hey, it's Naomi Nahas." " Hey..." "You know what to do." "Hello, Naomi Nahas." "I haven't seen you in a while... around..." "I'm not talking about class at all." "Sorry." "I just meant socially." "I mean, in a purely social way." "Listen, I have my dissertation defense tomorrow, and Hoguefeld says it's essentially a job interview, so I guess it's not exactly a little thing." "I guess." "But that's what it's all about." "I don't have to worry about it till..." "Mr. Tarson." "Dr. Hoguefeld, Professors." "Mr. Tarson, you'll have 20 minutes to present an overview of your work, after which we'll begin the oral part of the examination." "Understood?" "Yes, sir." "Tonight, I'd like to elucidate on what I believe to be a very provocative thesis:" "That storytelling in the Bible and Western canon represent the ultimate act of both creation and destruction, of transcendence and transgression." "Language is life." "It is, in a word, holy." "The greatest power in the hand of God or man is is the power to tell one's own story." "Fascinating, Mr. Tarson." "Continue." "Paul." "Pay attention." "I'm sorry." "I think I want to do things a little differently." "I'd like to play a game." "It's an old favorite of mine, and I hope yours too." "Trivial Pursuit." "Paul." "Mr. Tarson..." "It's very relevant, I assure you." "Fine." "Thank you, sir." "Dr. Smies, would you like to play?" "Okay." "Thank you." "Now, who would like to roll first?" "Dr. Hoguefeld, what do you say?" "Fine." "Orange." "Sports and Leisure." "Dr. Smies, if you wouldn't mind reading." ""In what hospital was Paul Tarson born?"" "I beg your pardon?" "I forgot to mention this is the official Paul Tarson Edition." "University of Michigan Hospital." "Yes, that's right." "That's right, Dad." "It's four blocks away." "You videotaped the whole thing so you could show me off to your friends." "Unfortunately, that was Dr. Hoguefeld's turn." "So he'll have to roll again." "If you don't mind, sir." "Green." "Science and Nature." ""When and where did Paul Tarson lose his virginity?"" " What?" " That's a tough one." "I'll give you the answer." "I was 20." "It was in my dorm room at West Quad, just a block away." "Actually, it was one of my dad's TAs." "I'd always wondered if that's why he introduced us." "Son!" "Dr. Gordon, your turn." "Yellow." "History." ""Despite a less-than-perfect 3.8 GPA," ""Paul Tarson was easily admitted to the prestigious" ""University of Michigan graduate school." "What teacher made certain he got in?"" "Oh, this is really..." "Wait." "Let me guess." " Dr. Elliot Tarson?" " Correct." " I did no such thing." " Good answer, Dr. Gordon." "That's a yellow wedge." "Dr. Aegis, you're next." "Blue." "Geography." "Is it just me, or do these questions bear no relation to the category?" "You got me there, Dr. Smies." ""As we all know," ""Paul Tarson is virtually guaranteed an assistant professorship" ""unless he royally screws this up." "How the hell is he doing so far?"" "Not very well at all." "Mr. Tarson, do you have any idea of what's at stake here?" "Yes, sir." "I'm not taking any of this trivially." "Son, you and I are leaving, now." " Now." " Wait, wait, wait." "No." " I haven't had my turn." " Oh, for..." "Sorry, Dad." "You heard the man." "He wants to play." "Okay." ""Where will Paul Tarson be next year?"" "I'm guessing that it won't be here." "Good answer, Dr. Smies." "Paul." "Paul!" "I'm sorry, but I have to do this." "Look, I used to think all the little things were just little ways to escape my life." "But they are my life." "All the details in those cards, they're not meaningless, they're me." "I tried so hard for you." "I'm taking my bite out of that apple, Dad." "It's time for me to leave." "Paul, do you understand what you're losing here?" "What you're throwing away?" "Absolutely." "Is everything copasetic, old chum?" "Yeah." "Yeah, old chum, everything is very copasetic." "Don't shit that bitch, pussy." "I-C-E." "Ice." "One, two, three." "Shit!" "This is it." "The best minds Ann Arbor has to offer." "It's quite intimidating." "Men." "Who Ice gonna be shittin' tonight?" "Over there, we got The Wizard People." "That mean-looking guy is Kevin Olmstead." "Now, he is a local trivia legend." "Well, what about that guy?" "Herbal grain mix." "It's gluten-free." "Yeah." "Nobody actually knows that guy's name, but he calls himself The Anarchist." "What about these tool bags?" "Bill, Doug, and Stan." "What's their team name?" "Bill, Doug, and Stan." "They're just really nice guys, actually." "May the best team win." " Then, of course, we got the..." " Hey, Paul." "Hey." "What are you doing here, huh?" "The dissertation defense already failed, huh?" "That was quick." "You know, this place here is a place of champions and honor, not a place for losers." "Yeah, well, we might be losers, but we're back in the tournament, all right?" "Hey, Paul, do you know what our team name is..." "Den Mördaren av Kultur och Himmelak-Själ?" "Do you know what that means?" "It means The Murderers of Culture and Heaven's Soul." "Remember that, huh?" "All right, people." "This is it." "The finalists from both brackets." "The first annual Ann Arbor Trivia Tournament Grand Championship!" "Trivia!" "Trivia!" "Trivia!" "Trivia!" "Trivia!" "Trivia!" "Trivia!" "Whoa." "It's..." "It's been a long journey." "We all know what's at stake here." "A box of 2007 L'Italia rosé, a pack of Sex Candy condoms, and the chance for you to be winners." "So let's get started." "First category:" "The King James Bible." " Let's do this!" " Yeah." ""On what mount did Moses encounter the burning bush?"" "Don't pretend like you know that." "Female Anatomy." ""What is the term for the distinctive folds found inside the Fallopian tubes?"" "Oh, man, that's just gross." "Here's to good clean fun." ""Sweden has had three Nobel laureates in literature." "Name two."" "Hello." "Something new here." ""In the sport of kickball, what kind of pitch qualifies as a bouncy?"" "Nice!" "All right, people." "The first half was..." "The first half was very competitive." "Got world-class trivialists here." "In fourth, but still close with 14 points, we got The Wizard People." "We're still in it." "And in third with 17, we got The Anarchist." "All right." "In second place is Den Mördaren, and the Ice Tigers, tied with 18." "And in first place, going into the second half..." "Excuse me, Mr. Collins." " There's only six teams, correct?" " No, dipshit." "There was a tie in the other bracket, so they qualified four." "Now, if you'll let me finish." "In first place with 19 points and an excellent first half," "So Frosh So Clean." "You shitting' the enemy?" "Naomi!" "What are you doing here?" "Kicking your ass." "This is Mark, Steve, and..." "Oh, that's Shawn, the chode from lecture hall." "Yeah, that's fine." "Okay." "But you said that trivia was for nerds and geeks and dorks..." "Paul, that's me." "In high school, I was captain of the quiz bowl team." "Hell, I was valedictorian." "I studied 24-7, and I was sick of it." "Hence Naomi's new doctrine of Little Thingie-ism." "Excuse me." "Oh, hey, five out of five on the Bible section." "I had a kick-ass teacher." "All right, everybody." "Question 20, last of the tournament." ""The Lynn Redgrave movie Georgy Girl may be best remembered for its classic song, "Georgy Girl."" "What are the lyrics to the song?"" "All of them." "Okay, okay." ""Georgy Girl."" "Georgy girl." "Okay, we know how it starts." "It goes..." "Hey, there, Georgy girl, flapping' in the wind, Who knows your name?" "No, no." "That's absurd." "It's..." "Hey, there, Georgy girl, swimming' in the ocean full of glee." "No, that's ridiculous." "It's..." "That's not ridiculous." "Do I have to bring up the whole Dick York fiasco again?" "Okay." "Okay." "So we'll do it this way your time." "I'm not trying to be like that." " No..." " Hey, there, Georgy girl, swingin' down the street so fancy-free." "Nobody you meet could ever see the loneliness there inside you." "What?" "Hey, there, Georgy girl." "Why do all the boys just pass you by?" "Could it be you just don't try, or is it the clothes you wear?" "Hey, there, Georgy girl." "There's another Georgy deep inside." "Bring out all the love you hide and, oh, what a change there'd be." "The world would see a new Georgy girl." "It was written by Jim Dale and performed by The Seekers." "Are you sure?" "When the Ice was growing up, he fell in love with a girl." "She lived down the street." "She had bangs rippled like a washboard, eyes blue like an Impala," "lips red like really red lipstick." "Ice never spoke to her, but... she knew the way to Ice's heart." "So she was his girl." "She was his Georgy girl." "What was her name?" "Tiffany." "All right." "It's, uh..." "It's been a hell of a few months, a hell of a tournament, and I just wanna say I'm deeply proud of every single one of you for how little you truly accomplished." "But guess what?" "It ain't over." "That's right." "We got a tie." " Three-way tie." " What?" "With 37 points between them, So Frosh So Clean," "Den Mördaren and yada yada..." " Yes!" "...and the only team to get the last question right, the Ice Tigers!" "Georgy girl!" "Shit!" "All right." "Okay." "Settle down, geniuses." "We're gonna have a tiebreaker to determine the grand champ." "One sudden-death question to be answered by one representative from each team." "So choose your rep now, and choose wisely." "Paul." "Shit." "Okay." "Okay." "Paul," "I'm going to annihilate you." "All right." "So this being the first annual" "Ann Arbor Trivia Tournament, it's only right that the final question be Ann Arbor trivia." ""The University of Michigan was founded in 1817," ""the first university to be established" ""by any of the country's states." "What local priest was one of the founders?"" ""What local priest was one of the founders?"" "Everybody set?" "All right." "Let's see what you all got." "Kuken." "Ooh, not quite." "So Frosh?" "Father Bo Schembechler?" "Ooh, excellent guess, but no." "All right, Ice Tigers." "We're waiting on you." "Father Gabriel Richard." "Pardon?" "Father Gabriel Richard." "Father Gabriel Richard it is!" "Ice Tigers win!" "We win." "We win." "Ice Tigers are the Trivia Champions!" "We won!" "We won!" "Hey, Ice Tiger." "Congratulations." "You knew the answer to that last question." "The name of my high school." "I told you myself." "Yeah." "But Ann Arbor's your town." "It'll always be yours." "What is this?" "Your paper?" "What happened to your doctrine and everything?" "Well, every good religion has to adapt with the times." "Besides, I'm in college." "I should probably start going to class and studying." "Maybe." "How'd your defense go?" "Not great, actually." " What?" " Yeah." " Really?" " Yeah." "I have no idea what I'm going to do." "Really?" "Wow." "How does that feel?" "Feels pretty great." "Yeah?" "Bye, Paul." "Ice Tigers." "Champ!" "Old chum, I'm going back to school." "That's it." "And me and Shelly..." "we're gonna get married." "Did you see that?" "We're gonna have a plethora of babies." "And that's the end of it." "You gotta come back inside, man." "This party is raging." "Did you see that?" "I'm really an accountant." " Is he okay?" " I think so." "How's your 401 (k)?" "Let's go inside." "Let's go inside." "Hey, man." "You okay?" "Yeah." "Just one of those days, you know?" "Yeah." "Yeah, I do." "Well, come on." " Thanks." " It's all yours." "See you around, man." "No." "No, you won't." "Right on." "Subtitled By J.R. Media Services, Inc." "Burbank, CA"