"[Crowd cheering]" "Fan appreciation night is an event we take very seriously here at K-Bal." "You two have had issues in the past." "I need to know you can make this work." "I'm a professional." "Talk to Dennis." "I'm sorry." "One of my illustrations was published." "You were saying?" "Look, I do a smart show." "I want to keep things classy." "This guy, a lot of first-thought mimicry." "Plays to the lowest common denominator." "There's clearly a jealousy issue here." "Well, I'm sorry if you feel jealous." "No, not me." "You." "You, the fake ball, are jealous of me, the person." "Why would I be jealous of you?" "It's wonderful in here." "Life is simple." "I know what people want from me, and I know how to give it to them." "How often is that true for you, Ryan?" "[Scoffs]" "Not that often." "How's the love life, Ryan?" "Guessing not so good." "Why is it so hard for you to connect with people?" "Let's have a special show." "[All cheering]" "Thank you for coming, Ry-nos." "And I say that because I'm Ryan, not because you're large and rhinoceros-like." "But thank you for being the greatest fans in the whole world." "Hey, is this where the big balls hang out?" "Seriously?" "Do you want 'em to love you or respect you?" "Because you can't have both, my friend." "Monkey it up." "You know you want to." "[All cheering]" "All:" "Ryan, Ryan, Ryan!" "I hate you." "♪ $5 in my pocket, pocket ♪" "Carrie, you'd rather be me than the mascot, right?" "[Sighs]" "I can't keep having this conversation." " Hey, Ryan." " Wow." " Hola." " Hey, guys." "Thanks for coming." "I never get to say this, but who are all these weirdos?" "Ryan's fans." "I have a date, so I'm tapping out." "As the only woman here, a little advice, ladies:" "Stay in pairs." "Don't stop moving." "They will try to smell you." "But the good news is, they fear eye contact." "What?" "Huh?" "You want something?" "Hmm?" " All right." " Yeah." "This is crazy." "They all look just like Angus, my ex-fiance." "Everywhere I turn, Angus, Angus, Angus." "Hey, honey, let's get a drink." "I'm here." "We'll talk through this." "[Sighs] What would I do without you, Lauren?" "Aw." "What are you looking at, huh?" "You want something?" "Come on, Ry-nos." "They're just girls." "♪ Let loose, loose, loose, loose ♪" "Hey." "You didn't tell me Lauren was gonna be here." "This is awkward." "The last time we were together, I got a serious vibe." "What are you talking about, man?" "She's about to get married." "That's when it happens." "Wedding day gets closer, they want to make a mistake." "See, I don't want to wreck a marriage, but Lauren calls me, I'm..." "I'm thinking about it." " Really?" " Totally." "You telling me you've never thought about it?" "Everybody thinks about it with everybody." "I've never thought about it." "I don't trust myself around her." "It's time to de-sexify." "Undo the tie, ruin the hair." "Oh, my God." "You look even better." "Damn my Keira Knightley cheekbones!" "You know, I've always felt that Keira Knightley has, like, three too many teeth." "I'm just gonna stay away from her." "You should be careful too." "She might come around looking for her second choice." "Or third choice." "[Fans whooping and hollering]" "Man, that guy does have a lot of fun." "[Cell phone dings]" "Message one." "[Beep]" "Ryan, it's ball, the mascot." "Sorry for the drunk dial." "Listen, I was just thinking about you and your inability to connect with women since Janie's passing." "[Woman laughing]" "Sorry, I made a new friend." "Everyone wants to go home with the mascot." "But do they want to wake up with Dennis?" "[Beep] Okay." "Message two." "Unknown caller." "[Slurred female voice] Ryan, I want you." "You want me." "Come here now." "And bring a pizza." "[Beep] Oh, no." "De-sexify, de-sexify." "[Grunts]" "How come it works when I do it?" " Ryan." " Listen." "You want to blow up your relationship?" "I get it." "Am I flattered that you chose me?" "Yes." "But I can't." "What..." "what is happening?" " You drunk-dialed me." " No, I didn't." "No, the bad girl who's inside you who wants to mess up her life with the hottest guy she knows did." "The good news is, I've decided" "I'm not gonna sleep with you." "Once you get over your disappointment, you'll thank me." "I didn't leave this message." "I love Wyatt." "I've been asleep since midnight." "And I haven't had pizza since 2009." "October 5, 2009." "Well, this is not awkward because of the fact that you are having a dream..." "A crazy dream." "Wind..." "You can fly." "You're gonna fly later." "I am aware that I am not dreaming." "All right, just tell me." "The ball isn't here, is he?" " Ryan!" " Okay, I'm sorry." " You're fine." " Yeah." "I thought you were freaking out, but you don't need my help." "You're gonna marry Wyatt." "He's perfect." "Good night." " Help me." " What?" "Help me." "I don't want to marry him." " You just said you loved him." " Feels so good to say it." "I don't wanna marry Wyatt." "I don't wanna marry Wyatt." " I don't wanna marry Wyatt!" " Babe?" " Oh, my God!" " Nothing." "Ryan, what's going on?" "You need her to fix your mind or me to fix your back?" "Mind." "Mind the gap." "Mind over matter." "Don't mind if I do." "I'll leave you guys to it." "I'm gonna go bake some bread." "It's that time of the night my grammy would do it." "It's moments like those I feel closest to her." "You don't want to be with him." "The bread-baking grandma lover." "You have to tell him immediately." "I know." "[Exhales]" "This has gone on for far too long." "Okay." "♪ The morn was fair" "♪ the skies were clear" "♪ no breath came o'er the sea ♪" "That's the way he sings?" "He is bringing out in me a longing for the old country." "Oh, ho, ho, party girl overdid it last night." "Party girl say what?" "Party girl say, "yolo"!" "Mm, you guys suck." "I had the worst night last night." "Boys my age are idiots." "Yeah, I had a weird night too." "Apparently, last night's festivities included a rogue lady fan who somehow got my cell and left me a message professing her love for me and pizza." "Oh, don't say pizza." "The last thing I remember is drinking an entire bottle of red wine, watching a Katherine heigl movie on purpose, and ordering a large pepperoni at 12:30." "That's strange." "At 1:15, I called..." "Oh, God." "Feelings learned." "Weird." "Awful." "Ooh." "Awkward moment, huh?" "Not in here." "[Chuckles]" "Look, you have a Carrie issue." "We're all here." "Come work it out." "If I walk past Carrie, she's gonna want to talk about stuff." "There's nothing worse than a relationship conversation." "Ugh, yeah, Patty was the queen of "we need to talk."" "I once stabbed myself with scissors to halt a "we need" in progress." "23 stitches." "Was worth it." "[Yelling] Well, do you like Carrie?" "Well, yeah." "She's great." "She's really cute." "But she's younger than me." "[Laughs] A little!" "I didn't say "a little."" "The fact is that I'm her boss, and it just wouldn't be right." "Then tell her now." "You got something painful to do, do it quick." "When I have to give a patient a shot," "I say I'm gonna do it on three, I say one, then I plunge it in!" " Oh!" "Yeah, you're right." "No point putting it off." "Okay." "Carrie!" "Listen, we need to talk." "Oh, thank God." "Okay." "Look, I am embarrassed that I called, but in a way, I think it's a good thing." "Obviously, my feelings for you are really complex, but then there's our friendship, which is real and deep, and the friendship just makes the real feelings even deeper and scarier." "Hold that thought." "[Swingy rock music]" "♪ When you touch my hand and talk sweet talk ♪" "That's it, mascot." "Just keep waving and moving, nice and light." "♪" "[Indistinct chatter] Hey, hey, hey!" "[All laughing]" "♪ And when you take me in your arms and talk romance ♪" " All right." " ♪ my heart starts doin'" "Hey!" "What's up, man?" "Whoa, whoa, whoa." "[Cheers and laughter] ♪ I'm shakin'" "I love this guy!" "[All cheering]" "This is better." "It's better in here." "Ryan, I think your inability to confront Carrie is symptomatic of a larger avoidance issue." "I respectfully disagree." "Fausta, de-hat me." "Thanks." "Thanks a lot." "Ryan, what have we learned in this group?" "If there is an issue, we confront it head-on." "Listen to Lauren." "She knows about relationships." "She's about to marry a great guy." "[Laughing] Yes, I am, Yolanda." " I'm sorry?" " Now let's talk about your bachelorette party tomorrow night." "[Women squeal and giggle]" " Oh, boy." " 'Scuse me." "You're still having your bachelorette party?" "Ladies only." "Sorry, pal." "In advance of the wedding that you're still having." "You, who runs a group teaching people to confront things head-on." "[Laughs] Oh, Ryan, I see what you're getting at, and I am right there with you." "We are going to crash this thing bosom buddies style." "We have this party all worked out, and since I am not usually into situations that involve yelping girliness and oiled-up men," "I'm planning to..." "[Chuckles] pre-medicate... with certain baked goods that an associate has been prescribed of the herbal..." "Just say weed." "No." "I thought you said you were gonna call your wedding off." "I tried, but he's so sweet and innocent and his face and his eyes, and he smells like fresh bread." "So you just bailed?" "That's awful." "You know what?" "I'm glad I didn't sleep with you last night." "That was not an option." "[Laughs] Okay, okay." "I tried to scare him off with all these crazy wedding demands." "I told him that he had to take my name." "I said I've been Lauren Bennett my whole life, and if anybody's gonna change their name, it's him." "Well, he's never going to agree to all of that." "Oh, yeah?" "[Beep]" "You've reached Wyatt Bennett." "To leave a message for Wyatt Bennett, press one." "For Bennett chiropractic..." "[Beep]" "What is the matter with this guy?" "Has he no pride?" " I mean..." " Yeah, yeah, yeah." "Listen, why don't you tell Wyatt," ""the way that you feel about me," ""I wish I felt about you, but I don't," ""and we have to do something about it right now, before we ruin both of our lives"?" "That's good." "You know, if I were you, I would say to Carrie," ""I care for you deeply," ""but our friendship means too much." "I can't risk it."" "That's really good too." "Okay, okay, I got an idea." "Why don't I tell Wyatt your thing..." "Mm-hmm?" "And you tell Carrie my thing?" "[Inhales]" "Is that your "this is the dumbest man in the world" look or the "hey, this plan could work" look?" "It's both." "But what else is gonna work?" "All right, we'll do it." "We'll do it tomorrow." "Okay, but you gotta do it before the bachelorette party 'cause I can't tell the ladies before Wyatt finds out." "Okay, all right." "I've been me long enough." " Yep." "Time to go back to paradise." "[Sighs]" "Whoa!" "[Cheers and applause]" "I don't even know how to do that!" "Thank you!" "I fell." "Hi." "K-Bal." "How may I help you?" "Ryan, thanks for coming in." "Ooh, new iPad mini?" "Yeah, got it at the Apple store last night." "That's great." "Listen, we have a problem." "Last night, our mascot made an unauthorized appearance at the local mall..." "As seen here in this recently posted YouTube video." "[Crowd cheering]" "[Funky music playing]" "♪" " Thoughts?" " Wow." "That dude's got some moves." "Pop and lock into the cabbage patch into the Hulk Hogan." "[Laughs] "I can't hear you!"" "My guess is, he can hear them." "He just wants them to be louder." "Yeah." "His moves remind me of some moves you used to bust out in college." "Hmm." "Course, your go-to was the sprinkler." "[Crowd cheers wildly]" "You're not insinuating that I put on the costume and went to a mall." "Their security sent me this footage." "Look, he drives a Porsche just like yours." "The valet was incredibly insulted." "He's keeping the 20 that was thrown at him." "20?" "It was supposed to be a 5." "It's impossible to see in that thing." " Aha!" " Okay, yes, fine." "I put it on at first to avoid Carrie, but then..." "Dennis was right." "It's wonderful in that thing." "Ryan, when you manage a sports radio station, you expect certain..." "Quirks among your talent." "It feels outside of my sphere to explain why one should not improve one's life by becoming a fake basketball." "A reasonable position." "So we're done with the suit." "Ryan, a Wyatt Bennett is here to talk to you." "Oh, boy, that's gonna be a really hard conversation." "Well, thanks for coming in, Mr. Bennett." "How you feeling about that name change?" "It's taking some getting used to, but Bennett's a great name for a chiropractor." "Better than Achenbach?" " Certainly less on-the-nose." " Yeah." "But the bottom line is, Lauren's happy." "Yeah." "Listen, uh, about that." "We need to have a talk." "What's up?" "[Chuckles uncomfortably]" "Well..." "[Gentle Irish folk music]" "[Sniffs]" "Did you just bake?" "Irish soda bread, yes." "[Sighs]" "♪ She was born with a silver spoon ♪" "Ryan, it's Lauren." "The bachelorette party already started." "Call me back as soon as you talk to Wyatt." "I have got to put an end to this." "Everyone is so excited for me." "And if Fausta could spell in English," "I'd be wearing a very offensive shirt right now." "On three... one!" " Oh!" "Both:" "Whoo!" "[All cheering and laughing]" " Hey!" " Hey." "[Laughing] Hey." "Hey." "Some of this?" "No, thank you." "[Whispers] It's so good." "Yeah, I'm just gonna wait for the food." "[Gasps] Uh-oh." " [Groans] - [Slurred] I messed it..." "[Laughing] All over her!" "[Laughs] I don't like when she's happy." "[Clears throat loudly]" "I'd like to toast Lauren." "You are an inspiration." "We're not a group that finds happiness easily." "And if a whore like you can do it..." "[Giggles] I got that off a bachelorette party blog!" " [Guffaws]" " So get ready, "B" words, for some saucy bantering!" "To loose morals!" "[All cheer] Oh." " You are my favorite, silly." " [Giggles]" " 'Scuse me, I couldn't help overhearing." "Are you part of some kind of grief group?" " Yeah." " I need to speak to someone about a horrible loss I've suffered." "Oh, my God, of course." "It's the loss of my pants." "[Women scream and cheer]" "♪" "Grief stripping was my idea!" "There's a black veil over his privates!" "[All cheering and cat-calling]" "Oh, Ryan, I forgot to tell you." "You don't have to come dressed as a woman." "I'm not..." "Okay." "Lauren?" " Yes?" " We need to talk." "[Women cheering] Excuse me." " Yeah!" " Whoo!" "So did you tell him?" "Well, first of all, it's nice to see you." "Oh, no, what happened?" "Did you tell him about the wedding or not?" "I did." "You're not making any sense." "Lauren doesn't want to marry me next month?" "Well, not next month, because what she actually wants..." "We're getting married tomorrow?" "You could not have made this worse!" "You would think that." "I'm really excited to have kids with her one day." "Why wait?" "Start tomorrow night." "You think she'd be up for that?" ""For shiz"?" "I've never used that word before in my life." "I don't know where that came from." "That guy just looks at you, and you just want to give him everything you have and then form an elite group of criminals and try to get him some more!" "You go and take that back!" "I can't hurt him." "We shared a moment." "Both:" "♪ oh, Danny boy ♪" "♪ the pipes, the pipes are calling ♪" "I never thought of myself as being a singer, but he made me great." "This is so not fair." "I totally fixed your Carrie situation." "Oh, thank goodness." "Did you use the whole" ""I value her too much as a friend" thing?" "That and so much more." "I was great." "Maybe you're right." "Maybe I'm not attracted to him." "Of course not." "He's vain and arrogant." " Insensitive." " Narcissistic." "Okay, a little light bashing to ease the blow." "Yeah." "Light-ish." "When you are 40 and in your sexual prime, he's gonna be, like, 77." "Yeah, and he's not gonna be any less needy." " Mm-mm." " He's still gonna be all," ""look at me." "Look at me."" ""I'm Ryan." "This must be important." "Otherwise, I'd be crazy, doing this."" "I don't talk like that." "You're a bad friend." "What are you mad about?" "I did what you wanted." "Well, I wouldn't mind if she still had, like, a little crush, you know, so that maybe I could act on it sometime in the future if I so desired." "Oh, my God." "I enlisted the help of the one person on earth who is worse at relationships than me." "Oh, yeah, I guess Joan Collins and Cathy the cartoon just don't exist." "You know what?" "You can't tell him." "I can't tell him." "This is a sign from the universe." "He's great." "I'm just gonna marry him." "What's going on?" "Lauren, I can't let you do this." "This is an intervention." " Guys..." " No, Ryan." "She doesn't love Wyatt." "She doesn't want to marry him, and she won't tell him." "That's not true." "She wouldn't lead him on like that." "She's Lauren." "No, Ryan's telling the truth." "How could you do this, Lauren?" "You're always telling us to be honest." "They threw a bachelorette party that I came to uninvited." "I am wearing a thong that nobody asked for." "This is too sad." "Ugh!" "This is why I don't do..." "This anymore." "Little girl, don't do drugs." "You guys, I'm sorry." "I'm not perfect." "I'm no different from you." "You have to be better." "We come and we listen to you because we think you have the answers." "[Sighs]" "To think I learned to talk saucy for you." "Hey, baby, I got a surprise for you." "Mind if I borrow her for a second?" "For shiz!" "Wyatt, we need to talk." ""Sex hoko frent budge"?" "What the hell does that mean?" "Yolanda knows." "Yeah." "Has anyone talked to Lauren?" "Did she tell Ryan?" "I don't know but she didn't, she doesn't get to be leader anymore." "I mean, if she's as messed up as we are, why should we listen to her?" " I will be leader." " But, Fausta..." "Silence!" "Hello, everyone!" " Hey." " Hey, how are ya?" "I'm great." "So..." "Wyatt and I split up." "Yeah, it was tough, but we're gonna be friends, and we even had one hoko frent budge for the road." "[Laughs] I'm kidding, but that should illustrate how fine I am." "What did you tell him?" "What did he say?" "None of those things matter." "What matters is you guys and your healing because I am here to help you." "So..." "[Gong chimes] Let's begin." "I'd like to talk about why, for the second day in a row," "Ryan is dressed like a woman." "Hey, Carrie." "Hey, Ryan." "You know, this screen has a reflection in it where I can see everything that goes on back there." "Seen a lot of dancing over the years." "Single ladies may not be your jam." "I still want you to like me a little." " What?" " You're so pretty." "And I like you, and when you're 40," "I'll only be 53, and a vibrant 53, and let's face it." "Emotionally, I'll still be barely legal." "And I know we work together, and that's weird, and I don't know what I want." "I just..." "I just want there to still be a possibility between us." "You're right." "It's complicated." "We work together." "I quit." "Ball's in your court." "Wait!" "Who's gonna bring me coffee?" "Hey, who knows how to make Starbucks come here?" "She doesn't love you." "It's the suit." "Hey, where'd you get that?" "Oh, Ryan, hey!" "Listen, um, I'd invite you in, but I have some buddies over, and we're having a big, ol' party, so..." "Don't worry, guys!" "It's not the cops." "When you say buddies, do you mean pizzas?" "And wine bottles and pictures of babies." " I'm coming in." " No, Ryan." "I don't want you to see me like this." "I let my personal life seep into the group, and that is not fair to you guys." "You get a lot of comfort from playing the group leader, but every so often, you need to be able to let your guard down, and you can do that with me." "I-I don't need to think you're perfect." "[Laughs]" "When I first met you, if you'd told me you were someone I'd be leaning on..." "Well, when you first met me, I wasn't someone to lean on." "You helped get me there." "Ryan, that means a lot to me." "Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa." "Let me stop you there." "I don't want to sleep with you." "Oh, boy, how could I misread those signs?" " What's that?" " Woody Allen." "No." "No, it's not." "All right, listen, I do have something that might be a fun distraction for you." "It's a little addictive, but, man, does it work." "♪ $5 in my pocket, pocket ♪" "♪ but I'm lookin' like a million bucks ♪" "You're right!" "It's so much better in here!" "Okay, well, let somebody else have a turn." "♪" "Hey, remember the other day when he did a flip?" "That was better, right?" "Okay, kids, on three, attack the ball." "One, two..."