"How about Monday morning?" "No, I have a thing with someone from CIA." "Uh, Johnson someone or other." "It's about that whole Kinsey thing." "So, any big plans for the weekend?" "Oh yeah." "Big." "Huge!" "Yeah, me neither." "What are you talking about?" "I just walked in with a whole handful of ingredients for my world famous omelette." "World famous huh?" "What's in it?" "Eggs." "I don't think that that actually qualifies as a recipe." "Oh don't kid yourself." "There's a secret ingredient." "I can't tell you what it is or I'd have to shoot you." "It's beer isn't it." "Carter..." "I'm gonna call you back." "I knew it." "You're Jack O'Neill." "Yes." "Here's a better question." "Who are you?" "It doesn't matter, to anyone." "All you need to know is..." "You ruined my life!" "Season 8" " Episode 15 Citizen Joe" "Transcript:" "stargatedanielfriendly. net" "Synchro:" "DjNono, frost666, greatouillle, Kotaro" "We should have gotten here earlier, when the real deals were still available." "Honey, it's 7am." "Joe, start over there and see if you can find a lamp that will work in the TV room." "Oh, my Lord, look!" "They have those old English tea tins." "Security breached" "They just got corridor C9 open." "Alright, let's go!" "Excuse me." "How much?" "So, there's this fella who walks into a bar and he see's an ape sitting there." "Sorry, no!" "He's see's a gorilla." "That's it." "Right." "There's a gorilla sitting there, drinking a coke." "So he say's to the bartender, "Hey!" "What's with that gorilla drinking that drink?"" "Well the bartender says, "Yeah, that ape usually orders a coke. "" "I mean a beer." "He usually orders a beer." "Boss, Is it an ape or a gorilla, cos they're a completely different species, you know?" "It doesn't matter." "It could be a monkey, the point is..." "The point is Joe, it's a good thing you can cut hair." "Very good." "Are we about done here?" "All set." "Because someone, somewhere out there are getting themselves a new car, whether they know it or not, you know what I mean?" "I feel the power to sell, moving through me today." "Boy's, it's been a slice." " Thanks Fred." " See you Fred." "Bow down now." "Show me your reverence for my son." "The mighty warrior Klorel!" "Kel Apophis." "Oh, we are reading the best book, in book club this week." "It's called the heart of a woman and it is such a powerful story." "Everytime I think about it, I just..." "You wanna hear a story?" "Oh, sure dear, I'm sorry." "What happened to you today at the shop." "It's not work related." "I have a story." "What do you mean?" "You know, like in those books you read, only different." "Ok, sure." "It's about a team of adventurers known as SG-1." "They travel to other planets, through an alien device known as a Stargate." "Their leader is the fearless Colonel Jack..." "O'Neill, prepare yourself for..." "Extreme deceleration." "Yeah, thanks Teal'c." "You will get to see your home one last time, before you and everyone on your planet are destroyed, and your kind will disturb the Goa'uld, no more." "So who are the Goa'uld again?" "The bad guys." "And this Skaara character?" "Yeah, I thought you said his name was Klorel." "I know it's a little complicated." "Just wait, I haven't gotten to the good part yet." "Skaara!" "Skaara." "I'm sorry." "That's it?" "I think so." "For now anyway's." "What happened to Earth?" "I don't know." "I mean, I haven't figured that part out yet." "Well you gotta finish it Daddy." "You can't just end a story in the middle." "I tell you what." "You get all your chores done and I'll finish the story tomorrow." "Chores?" "What are we Amish?" "Andy!" "Go do your homework." "He's gotten so precocious." "You hated it, didn't you?" "Well, you know I'm not the biggest science fiction fan, but no, no." "It was just so detailed." "How did you come up with it?" "Honestly, I don't know." "It just sort of popped into my head." "That's amazing, really." "What didn't you like about it?" "Don't get me wrong, it was exciting." "It's just that personally, I like stories that are about interpersonal relations and a little less to do with things blowing up." "A giant fireball in the night sky!" "You say these folks are a military unit?" "Yeah, a part of the US Air Force." "But they travel to other planets." "Through the Stargate." "Which is a time travel machine." "It's an alien device that creates a stable wormhole, allowing instantaneous travel to other worlds." "Time has nothing to do with it." "Boss, a question." "These Gould." "GO-A-ULD." "GO-A-OWL." "GO-A-ULD." "Never mind." "The bad guy's." "You said they have snakes in their heads?" "Symbiotes, yes." "And what about the one's with the snakes in their bellies?" "They're different, they're called Jaffa." "They incubate the symbiotes until they're ready for implantation." "Now you see Joe, that's confusing." "He's right boss." "I mean, why can't there be just one kind of bad guy, you know, snake goes in the head, makes them evil, the end." "Called, the snake people." "Yeah, snake people's good." "They're not called the snake people, they're called the Goa'uld." "And the Jaffa aren't bad guys, they're enslaved warriors who mistakenly believe that the Goa'uld are their Gods." "And it's not confusing, it's complex!" "Edge of my seat, the whole time." "United States Air Force." "How may I direct your call?" "Hi." "I'm trying to reach one of your officers." "A Colonel Jack O'Neill, two LL's." "May I have your name and the nature of your call?" "My name?" "Yes please." "Right, right, of course." "My name is Joe Smith." "Now listen, I realise Colonel O'Neill is probably unavailable, off on some important mission somewhere, but..." "I know this is an odd request." "I mean, I don't know if you know Colonel O'Neill personally, but could you describe him to me?" "You know, height, weight, shoe size, sense of humour, that sort of thing." "I really can't do that sir." "Of course, sure." "National security." "Now am I understanding correctly, that there really is a Colonel Jack O'Neill in the Air Force?" "Is there a message that you would like to leave for him sir?" "That's fine, thankyou!" "So in the end, Ry'ac was freed from Apophis' control." "Teal'c, Drey'auc and Ry'ac, were once again a family." "But Teal'c is still going back to Stargate Command, to fight for the freedom of the Jaffa." "Yes of course." "He's going to take Drey'auc and Ry'ac to a place where they'll be safe." "So the Goa'uld won't put any more bombs in Ry'acs teeth?" "That's right." "Now go to sleep." "Cool story Dad." "Joe, where do you get these ideas you've had lately?" "I don't know" "Fully formed ideas, plots, characters, just like that?" "They just appear in your head?" "Basically." "Why are you looking at me like that?" "I think you've gotten in touch with your dormant creativity." "Accessed your well spring of imagination." "What?" "I read about this happening to other people." "You're opening yourself up to your inner muse." "My inner muse?" "It's your midlife crisis." "It is?" "Except, instead of chasing your youth by buying a sports car or going hang-gliding, your seeking immortality through creativity." "We can't afford a sports car." "Honey, it's a good thing." "Especially if it means you're not going to have an affair with a younger woman." "Wait a second, wait a second." "You said that Teal'c put his face up to that head grabber thing, before O'Neill." "Why didn't he get grabbed first?" "Guys, I told you." "Save your questions until I finish." "Now, what was left of Colonel O'Neill's mind, managed to dial a gate address." "One they had never dialled before." "The Asgard?" "Those little grey guys, right." "Shut up and let him finish, Burt." "And..." "I don't want to sound ungrateful, because I really, really appreciate you getting all of that stuff out of my head," "but you folks should understand that we're out there now." "We might not be ready for a lot of this stuff, but we're doing the best that we can." "You have already taken the first steps towards becoming the fifth race." "Well what about the Furlings?" "Are we ever gonna hear about them?" "Oh, of course." "I'm sure we'll hear lot's of stories about them." "I mean, I'll make one up." "Furlings." "They sound cute." "Like Ewoks." "Andy finish up or you're going to miss your bus sweety." " Good morning." " Good morning." "And I want that lawn done today Mister." "It looks like a wheat field's growing in our backyard." "After school, I promise." "Son, you get that lawn finished, and I'll tell you all about the Reetou." "Cool!" "See you mom!" "See you Dad!" "The Reetou?" "Foothold situation at the SGC." "Joe, don't take this the wrong way, but maybe you should cut back on the storytelling a bit." "Why?" "Nothing, it's just..." "Well, I've heard a few comments from people in town." "People?" "What people?" "Not everyone wants to hear about Jack O'Neill and SG-1 every time they come in for a haircut." "They like hearing my stories." "Maybe they're just being polite, dear." "And it's not just at the shop." "Sam at the drug store said you talk his ear off every time you're there, and Marjorie at the bank, and Lennie at the gas station." "Sharlene, you were the one who told me to follow my muse, now you want me to stop?" "What if you write them down?" "You mean like a writer?" "Put them on paper." "You can have them there in the shop like the magazines." "That way, if people wanna read them, they can." "Sir, the timing has to be exact." "Just a few more seconds." "It's gonna have to be close enough." "Go!" "Young Lt Hammond faced a tough decision." "Yet the strange force had hardly seemed like Soviet spies." "Honey, it's three in the morning." "Come to bed." "Just let me finish this story." "That's what you said last night and the night before that." "You've gotta get up in four hours." "How are you going to cut people's hair if you're dead on your feet?" "Joe?" "In a minute." "They embraced and he looked into her eyes one last time." "He walked away with sadness in his heart, and she watched him go, wondering if she would ever see him again." "The end." "That poor woman." "Do you think she was with child?" "You'll just have to wait until the sequel." "You've gotta be kidding me." "What?" "I've got something in my eye." "Oh, you're such a softee." "See you tonight honey." "Bye." "Bye Sandy." "Morning boys." "Hey Calvin." "Joe, looks like you got some letters from those magazines in New York." "Thankyou for your submission." "Unfortunately, blah, blah, blah." "Thankyou for your interest." "Best of luck in the future." "You see, I'm not sure you should have sent in this one about Seth." "It wasn't one of your best." "They rejected Hathor?" "But it was gold." "Dad!" "I'm writing." "Seriously Dad." "You've gotta see this." "What?" "Check it out." "Four excellent heroes, in an extraordinary new scifi series." "Starring Dick Marlowe as Colonel Danning." "As a matter of fact, it does say Colonel on my uniform." "There's no such thing as original thought, anymore." "We're all just regurgitating the same old ideas, over and over again." "Welding them down into the giant melting pot of mediocrity." "Introducing Douglas Anders as Krell the robot." "Wormhole X-Treme, coming this fall." "They stole my idea." "Hey, whatever happened to that lawsuit you had against uh, what was that show called?" "Wormhole X-Treme?" "It was cancelled after only one episode." "Bad ratings." "I liked it." "Not as much as your stories boss." "Actually, I have a new one." "This came to me last night." "SG-1 find out there's a giant asteroid headed towards Earth." "I saw the movie." "It's Paris." "No, this is different." "It starts when this amateur astronomer..." "Actually Joe, if it's alright with you," "I'm not really in the mood." "Oh come on now, don't you wanna know how SG-1 stops it?" "Here, I'll just tell you." "Major Carter is able to expand the hyperspace window from the cargo ship, until it surrounds..." "Look, no offence, but how many times can these folks save the world from Apophis." "What's it up to now?" "Five, six times?" "This story's about Anubis." "Apophis is dead." "What's the diff, you know what I'm saying?" "It's getting a little repetitive." "I mean, come on now." "There must be other things we can talk about besides SG-1." "You guys play golf?" "Joe, I need to talk to you." "Just a second honey." "I'm in the zone." "Honey, stop typing." "Writing." "Please." "What's up?" "I want you to stop." "I just did." "I mean permanently." "What?" "I've been going over our bills." "Sharlene." "Joe, you closed the shop early three times this week, to come home and write." "I closed the shop because business has been slow." "And you don't see the connection?" "Don't worry, once I get a few stories published, land an agent, things will get better." "326." "That's how many rejection letters you've received." "We only need one yes." "They're not reading them anymore." "Just sending them back unopened." "Burt and Gordy liked them." "They work for you." "What else are they gonna say?" "You haven't even read them all." "I read Holiday, The Light, The Sentinel." "Ok I admit, those may have been a few small missteps, but on the whole they're getting better aren't they?" "I don't know." "Well what do you think the problem is?" "Tell me." "Maybe I can fix it." "Well, for one, it seems to me that the team interaction isn't what it used to be in the beginning." "You hate them all?" "No, I don't." "I hate what this is doing to you." "You really want me to stop?" "Joe, how can this really be more important than your livelihood?" "Than your family?" "Honestly Sharlene." "I don't think I can stop." "Why not?" "These stories, I think..." "You think what?" "I think they're real Sharlene." "I'm not making them up, they're happening somewhere." "I can see them and it's because of the stone." "I can't explain it." "Somehow, I think it allows me to see these incredible things." "That you believe are really happening." "Yes!" "Here, try it." "Where is it?" "Joe." "Did you take it?" "Sharlene?" "What did you do with it?" "Sharlene!" "What have you done with my stone?" "It was for your own good!" "Whoa!" "Has he totally lost it or what?" "Joe please!" "You need help." "Son?" "If you know where it is, just tell me." "I'm not mad, I just need my stone." "Mom?" "You leave him out of this!" "Joe please, you're scaring us!" "Where are you going?" "I don't know." "No!" "He can't be gone." "He's dead." "Daniel's dead!" "Gordy, you're wearing out the floor." "Calvin." "Gentlemen." "Slow day?" "What have you got Calvin?" "Looks like a stack of bills and a couple more letters from those magazines." "Toss them." "There is also another letter here, from the Air Force." "You read it." "Dear Mr Spencer." "Regarding your request to meet with Colonel Jack O'Neill, we regret to inform you that..." "Hey Joe, if you're so sure that this is all real, then why don't we follow it up with more than just letters?" "Call them up." "Tell them what you know." "If it really is true." "Are you kidding?" "I'd disappear in a hearbeat." "You think?" "Believe me, if the Government didn't get me, NID is sure to." "I've seen it happen." "Do you remember Armen Sellick?" "Dead!" "Great." "Well, look, I've gotta get back to my route now." "You guys take care." "Thanks Calvin." "Hi Jack." "Daniel." "I leave and look at the mess you get yourself into." "Yes!" "Yes!" "Sharlene!" "Sharlene, Sharlene, you won't believe it!" "Sharlene?" "Oh, there you are." "Honey, it's incredible." "Daniel's still alive." "I mean, I know he ascended to a higher plane of existence, but he..." "What are you doing?" "Andy and I are going to my mother's for a while." "If you have even the slightest interest in saving our marriage, you'll see someone who can help you." "Sharlene, I don't need a shrink." "Sharlene!" "Honey, don't do this please!" "Come on!" "Honey, come on, we can work things out!" "Sharlene look, our problems are small compared..." "Let's talk." "Can we just talk this out?" "Goodbye Joe, I'll call you later." "Sharlene!" "Wait!" "Sharlene!" "Dear Colonel O'Neill." "I understand you are a very busy man, however," "I must wonder if you are getting each and every piece of correspondence I send you." "I have written you many letters and left countless messages for you with the Air Force, but I have yet to receive any kind of response from you." "Because of this, I realise I have no choice but to take my life into my own hands and come clean with you." "I know everything..." "Geez Gordy, you scared... the hell out of me!" "It's ok Gordy, I'm just glad it's you." "Boss, if it's alright with you, me and Burt, we're gonna head home." "It looks like nobody's coming in again today." "Yeah." "Look, I know this is kind of a bad time, but..." "What is it Gordy?" "Well it's been really slow around here, and I kind of dropped off an application at the Piggly Wiggly." "I understand." "You gotta do what you've gotta do." "Thanks boss." "Goodnight." "Goodnight." "Activating hyperdrive" "Standing straight up." "Come on boys!" "Have at em!" "Thanks for seeing me." "You look great." "How are you?" "Oh, I'm good, very good." "Sharlene, I'm sorry about everything that's happened." "I drove you and Andy away, I understand that now." "Just let me finish." "I was too wrapped up in the stories to realise what was important." "I promise I will focus on rebuilding my business and providing for my family, if you'll give me another chance." "It was never about the money, Joe." "It was your obsession with that stone." "I know, I know, and I owe you both an explanation." "That's why I brought you proof that my visions are real." "This is what Jack O'Neill actually looks like." "Now I know what you're thinking, but I swear I saw this image in my mind, long before it was in the paper." "And here, this report about massive solar flare activity from six years ago?" "It coincides with the time SG-1 destroyed Apophis' fleet." "And this, about the sinking of a Russian submarine?" "It happened the same time Anubis' ship crashed into the Pacific ocean." "It just means that you're using real people and events and incorporating them into your fantasies." "They're not fantasies!" "Jack O'Neill is head of Stargate Command!" "There is no Stargate Command!" "Listen to me, I've been talking to several doctors about your symptoms, and they seem to think that you might be suffering from something called manic psychosis, combined with grandiose delusions, but with therapy and medication you could probably live a normal life." "Oh my God!" "They're fighting in Antarctica." "For Earth's very survival!" "Anubis' fleet is in orbit above us right now!" " Joe stop it." "It's not real!" " You don't understand!" "If Jack can't find a way to use the Ancient technology in time, we're all dead!" "Goodbye Joe." "It's happening Sharlene!" "You'll see!" "It's real!" "Ok look, this obviously isn't your forté." "So why don't you just put the gun down, before you get hurt." "Don't come any closer!" "I know your gun isn't real." "However, mine is." "Oh God!" "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, you're right." "It's just a toy." "Please don't shoot me." "I'm not gonna shoot ya." "I'm sorry." "I just thought it was the only way to make you listen to me." "Oh, where you're going, people will listen." "They've got nothing to do, but listen to what you have to say." "They got nice white coats, padded walls, the whole nine yards." "Please wait!" "You're Brigadier General Jack O'Neill." "Head of Stargate Command at Cheyenne Mountain." "You used to command SG-1, which is now led by Lt Colonel Samantha Carter." "You once visited a planet called Argos, and the nanites in your blood caused you to age artificially." "You had the entire repository of the Ancients knowledge downloaded into your brain, twice!" "You have a thing for:" "The Simpsons, fishing, Mary Steenburgen, the colour peridot, and you're a terrible ping-pong player." "Have we met?" "My name is Joe Spencer." "I'm a barber." "It's all true isn't it?" "Everything I've seen." "The Stargate, the Goa'uld, the Asgards?" "It's all real." "Tell me it's real." "I need to know." "Well first of all Joe," "I'm not a terrible ping-pong player." "Between you and me, I totally see the analogy." "Burns as Goa'uld." "Thank you!" "And don't worry." "I won't say a word about your feelings for..." "This is such an honour." "I don't know how to thank you for all you've done for our planet." "There are not enough words!" "It's nice to meet you too." "Joe Spencer." "I was particularly impressed with the time you blew up that sun." "Well thank you." "I had a bit of help, but.." "And as far as this whole Pete Shanahan thing goes..." "Doctor Jackson, can I just say, thank goodness you're back." "Not that Jonas was a bad guy, but after all you've been through together, you belong here with SG-1." "Thank you." "Jack?" "He's a barber." " Broke into your house?" " Yeah." "Second week in a row." "Alarm." "I'm thinking dog." "You could try locking your front door." "Sh'al kek nem'ron!" "Joe, the barber." "Please be seated." "What have you got there Carter?" "Well, initial tests show that Joe possesses the same Ancient gene as you do." "I just want you to know, if you ever want me to use the chair device in Antarctica, in defence of the planet, I'm there." "Thank you!" "Other than that, his physiology is completely normal." "Do not a great many people possess this Ancient gene?" "Yeah I mean, how come I'm the only one seeing these things?" "Yes, good question, pray tell." "Unfortunately, our knowledge of Ancient physiology is fairly limited." "The only other thing we know, is that Joe has somehow managed to gain access to huge amounts of classified information." "Mainly in regard to SG-1." "And that these visions are somehow connected to the stone he found." "Anything on that?" "Daniel's looking into it." "He did say there was something familiar about it." "You claim to receive these visions, only in proximity to the stone." "Perhaps there is a connection between the stone and your genetic predispositions." "I know the hair makes you look different, but didn't you used to be more gold coloured?" "I think I've got it!" "It took me a while to track it down, but..." "You have one too?" "They're a set." "Jack, you remember P3R-233?" "That planet where..." "Where you found the quantum mirror that sent you to an alternate reality, where the Goa'uld invaded Earth." " Hey fella" " Hey Jack" "This is all the stuff we brought back from..." "P3R-233?" "Yeah." "Are you gonna help me catalogue it?" "You bet, my favourite." "But it's all gonna have to wait." "Hammond called a briefing." "We got some intel back, indicating that Apophis might not be so dead as we thought." "Something about Chulak." "I think the stones are kind of Ancient long range communication device, allowing people to see events over great distances through some sort of psychic connection." "Now Jack must have activated the link between the stones by picking up the second stone." "Now after that, all that would be required, is a certain proximity to the stone, for the connection to be activated." "Now seeing as the stone was being stored in the base archives.." "But that doesn't explain how the other stone got to the..." "Where?" "Where was it?" "A garage sale." "The person who sold it to me said that his grandfather found it on a dig in Egypt." "Well that still doesn't explain the proximity issue." "I mean, if the stone General O'Neill touched was kept here," "How was Joe able to see everything that happened to the General, offworld?" "I think he was getting most of it from when Jack was writing his reports right here on the base." "The stone was being stored just a few levels above." "That's why the stories were so easy to write." "It was like someone else had done most of the work for me." "And you say they all got rejected?" "Wait a second." "If the stone worked the way Daniel says..." "Shouldn't General O'Neill have been able to see elements of Joe's life, as well?" "Theoretically, yes he would." "Bowling league, thursday nights?" " You saw that?" " You got game, son." "Wait a minute, Jack." "You've been seeing parts of the life of a barber in Indiana for seven years, and you never mentioned it?" "Yeah, sure I did." "I know I did." "No, no, you didn't sir." "I didn't?" "You didn't find it the least bit odd?" "Actually no." "I found it quite relaxing." "Sharlene?" "I only have about ten minutes and I really need to get right back to work." "There's no easy way to say this." "I want a divorce." "I know, I mean, you have every right to, but before we get to that, there's someone who'd like to meet you." "Here he comes now." "Sharlene, meet General Jack O'Neill, from the United States Air Force." "It's a pleasure to meet you ma'am." "I think we have some things to talk about."