"My name is Debbie Weaver." "This is my family." "This is our old apartment in Bayonne, New Jersey." "My husband Marty got us a deal on a town house..." "Nicer neighborhood, wider streets." "Just one little problem." "Our neighbors are all from another planet..." "Literally." "Greetings, Debbie Weaver." "Why does your spirit shine so brightly this fine morning?" "Oh, I don't know." "I ate, like, an entire box of cereal about an hour ago." "Oh, Debbie Weaver, your eating issues amuse me so." "Well, I appreciate that, Dick." "Is there something you want to ask Dick?" "Do you want to come to my birthday party?" "Absolutely." "What's a birthday?" "Well, we have 365 days in one of our years." "Go on." "12 months, 30 days or so in a month." "The math works." "Continue." "So when a person is born, that's their birthday." "And once a year, we celebrate their birth to make them feel special." "There's gonna be cake and presents, and mommy's even gonna get me a bounce house." "I didn't know "birthday."" "You think I know "bounce house"?" "Oh, well, we are going all out." "It's the first time that we've had all this space, and I'm trying to make up for the fact that she had to leave all her old friends... and that we didn't get the puppy that we promised." " Puppy?" "What?" "!" " What?" "!" "Basically, for parents, a birthday is a chance to make up for the other 364 days, when you probably have scarred your child emotionally, so..." "Anyway, it's gonna be incredible." "Gonna be awful." "I mean, don't get me wrong..." "my wife is the best." "You know." "I haven't been blown away." "For three days each year, she turns into a holy terror, 'cause whenever she plans these birthday things, she goes a little mental." "Watch." "Okay, hon, it's Abby's third birthday party." "Can you give me a big smile?" " You want my best party smile?" " No." "I got 40 kids coming here in 10 minutes, and you want me to smile?" "And all that crazy was contained in a small apartment." "Now that crazy can run free in 1,800 square feet and a yard." "Who knows what will happen?" "Oh, look!" "It's a calming glass of white wine." "Where did that..." "Okay." "I won't lie." "She's starting to grow on me." "S01E06 Larry Bird and the Iron Throne" "I have not made any final decisions." " I'd like your thoughts." " Oh, I have no thoughts." "And I love you for it." "I thought we would put the magician/clown in the living room." "I love it." " Princess castle in the backyard." " Yes." " That way, when we dig the moat..." " A moat?" "!" "Is good idea." "Another good idea." "Put banners and streamers up from the party store." "Apparently they're getting her a unicorn cake." "Clearly, they've never tasted unicorn before." "I tried to warn her." "To show affection to the birth-ed one, they give presents." "Maybe I will get Amber a present." "It's unclear, but you may need to involve a fat man in a red suit" "Who comes down a chimney." "Okay." "I have to get to work." "Oh." "He's leaving again." "Probably going to hunt down that poor unicorn." "He's going to his place of work." "I want you to go and observe." "And why would I do that?" "Because we're not learning quickly enough." "We didn't know "birthday."" "We barely understand their form of government." "Democracy." "These humans are ridiculous and stupid." "They're not ridiculous and stupid." "They're well-meaning and stupid." "We must make an effort." "I'm going to learn about birthdays." "You need to learn about work." "Larry, are you okay?" "I will be joining you at your occupation today, Marty Weaver." "Yeah, I'm sorry, but that's not the way things..." "Excuse denied." "Do not worry, Marty Weaver." "I've researched your occupations." "I will blend right in." "This is it." "Rock 'n' stroll, Incorporated." "We are the second-largest baby supply manufacturer on the eastern seaboard." "Larry, put that down." "Put it... put it down." "Go ahead." "So if I'm to understand it," "This dreadful place is where you spend five of the seven days of your week," "All to provide for a family that you barely see..." "Because you spend all your time here?" "Yeah, in a nutshell." "And where do you keep your slaves?" "In these cages?" "Larry!" "Hey, how you doing, Marcus?" "All right, man." "I'm gonna show you my office now, okay?" "But behave, please." "Okay?" "I like my job." "I don't want to lose it." "I used to be in the bullpen, too, until three years ago, when my boss made me head of inventory, and then I got..." "This." "Now, I know it's not much, but I don't know." "I'm pretty proud of it." "Why?" "Anyway, this is my desk." "That's my computer." "Morning, Marty." "Oh, and this is my godsend of a boss." "How you doing?" "Rebecca Hill." "Rebecca hill, this is..." "This is my foreign friend..." "Larry." "And, uh, he's visiting for a few days, and I don't really get to see him much," "So if you don't mind, he's gonna shadow me." "Oh, yeah, sure, I guess that'll be okay." "It's nice to meet you, Larry." "So, Marty, how is that inventory report coming?" "Taggart gets here on Monday, but he wants to review it over the weekend." "You will have it by tomorrow, boss." " No problem." " You are the best." "You're the best." "And, uh, Larry, uh, you are welcome to stay as long as you want." "Any friend of Marty's is a friend of rock 'n' stroll." " Thanks, Rebecca." " Sure." "Okay." "Marty Weaver," "If you listen to me and do everything I say, we will remove her from power and seize her throne." "You have no imagination." " Amber Weaver." " Weird kid." "I was wondering..." "if I had a birthday and was to ask for a gift, what should I ask for?" "I don't know." "My mom's making me move chairs." "I have to concentrate." "What would you ask for?" "All right, you're weirding me out." "Are we done?" "It would appear so." "She's terrifying!" "I know." "Okay, guys, just inflate the bounce house and just get the hell out of here." "Debbie Weaver!" "About birthdays..." " There's still a few things I don't under..." " Don't!" " But..." " No." "Does this look like a princess castle to you?" "Okay, before each birthday, I make some kind of fort, and I stay in it until the party's over." "I suggest you do the same." "That person over there is not my mother." "A dinosaur!" "I get it!" "It's extinct, just like my daughter's dreams for a fun party!" "But she wants it to be such a nice event." "She's a powder keg." "And at some point, she's gonna go off." "Take it away!" "Take it away!" "Oh, would you please go home?" "!" "I'm the birthday princess!" "I'm the birthday princess!" "Hey, Max, one per bag." "And don't fake sloppy to get out of it." "Jackie, sorry to ask again, but are you sure you know how to curl a ribbon?" "I was co-captain of a ship which traveled 40,000 light-years to get here." "I think I can curl a ribbon." "I know it's simple, but I need it done right." "I don't wanna get upset." "I really don't." "So everyone in here can help me not get upset by doing things exactly how I ask!" "Sound like a plan?" "I'll curl the ribbon." "Dick Butkus, what are you doing?" "Stuck!" "Stuck!" "Stuck!" "Max, help him." "Husband." "Are you not attending work with Marty Weaver today?" "Of course not." "It's meaningless and boring and I'm never going back." "And his boss is literally the laziest person I've ever seen." "Hey, Larry, if you're here, you're helping." "I need streamers to be hung, I need gift bags to be stuffed." "Balloons to be blown..." "Oh, come on!" "I'm coming back to work." " No." " Your wife..." "The party..." "Must avoid." "Okay, get in." "No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no." "Come on." "Gotta put it up higher," "So everyone can see it." "That's it." "Yeah." "That looks good." "You want in?" "I know I am not right, and I know it's not natural." "And I will look back on the rage I am feeling right now, and be disappointed in myself." "But I told you to curl the ribbon, and you did not curl the ribbon." "And now I feel a need to double-check all the ribbon you claim to have curled, and that upsets me." "Entering." "I've decided what I'd want if I had a birthday." "Yes?" "I'd want a birthday party." "Oh, Dick." "I would give you the moon and the stars if I could." "But mother has seen war and famine and death." "And yet she has never seen anything quite as terrifying nor as confounding as a child's birthday party." "Testify." "So that's a "no" on the birthday party?" "That is a "no."" "Come in." "Happy birthday, Amber Weaver." "It's not my birthday, dude." "Oh." "Is that a requirement?" "It's a synopsis of everything that's happened in the universe since the day of your birth." "I got it all on one tile." "It took a long time." "Right." "This is not the present you would wish for?" "You know what I'd wish for, Reggie?" "I'd wish to be back in my own room in Bayonne, looking out over my old street, and not living in a place where I have nothing to do after school but help my mom decorate for a kid's birthday party." "Everything that's happened in the universe since the day of your birth." "All on one tile." "Yeah." "Well..." "I appreciate the thought." "It literally unlocks all the mysteries of the universe." "Perpetual motion?" "Who killed kennedy?" "Why men have nipples?" "Nothing?" "Hey, babe." "The birthday party's tomorrow, and I haven't made a dent." "I need you." "I'm just trying to get these figures to add up so I can hand in this report." "The Rapunzel princess is coming in the morning." "I need you to go get the cake." "Oh, and we need soda." "Oh, and, Marty, do you think that the magician/clown is gonna be too frightening for the kids?" "What if he's more clown/magician?" "I should have vetted him more thoroughly." "Honey, baby, take a breath, okay?" "We've got this." "You are the best mother in the world." "Abby's gonna remember this birthday party on her deathbed one day," "Okay?" "Good." "That's good." "I need more of that." "On Abby's deathbed, she's going to..." "Okay, a little less of abby's deathbed." "Look, I'll be there." "There's nothing that we can't get through together, even a 6-year-old's birthday party, okay?" "And if I get out of control, you'll talk some sense into me?" "That's what I do." "In a way that doesn't make me feel small and insane?" "That's the gig." "I love you, baby." "And I love you times two, baby." "Yes, I do." ""I love you times two"?" "Beware." "If I regurgitate, it will melt you." "I can't seem to get these numbers to add up." " I must have done something wrong." " No, your mathematics are correct." "You merely used last year's figures." "I noticed it yesterday." "Oh, my god." "I have to start from the beginning." "Why didn't you say something?" " Marty." " Hey." "How we looking on inventory?" "I may need a little extra time." "He may need an extra week." "Um, Marty, Taggart wants to review this over the weekend." "Right." "You know, I'm gonna work all day tomorrow, and I will have them for him tomorrow night." "Okay." "Sorry, dude." "But you can't work tomorrow." "Tomorrow's the birthday party." "I know." "You just called your wife and said that you would get through the event together." " It seemed to calm her." " Yeah, I know, Larry." "And then you said, "I love you times two," and I almost regurgitated, and now you may have to miss the party in order to fix your erroneous work." "You seem to have summed up the situation perfectly, Larry." "Oh, good." "I feel better now." "This is a disaster." "What happened now?" "I get to the bakery, get the cake, pay," "I don't even look at it till I get in the driveway." "They gave me the wrong one." "I make a call, someone else has our cake." "So can't you just get another one?" "No!" "This was a special order." "The whole thing was a unicorn's head!" "And who the hell is this?" "It's not Rapunzel?" "No, Jackie, that is not Rapunzel!" "I have all the costumes in the trunk if you want." "but I don't know Rapunzel's shtick." "Also, I have a beard." "Here." "Oh, my god, Jackie, you are killing me!" "Why didn't you call me?" "The whole thing is falling apart!" "Okay, that's it!" "Larry Bird was right!" "Humans are ridiculous and stupid, and your birthday parties are the stupidest things of all!" "They turn human beings into lunatics, and I am out!" "Jackie, wait." "They don't turn all people into lunatics, just me." "There is great power in the dark side." "Shut up." "Debbie Weaver, what has happened to you?" "Oh, god." "I'm so sorry, Jackie." "Growing up, I had three sisters and two brothers." "We had nothing." "Three of us had birthdays in December." "So once a year, we'd pick a day in December, get a cheap cupcake, and put one birthday candle in it." "That was basically my childhood." "But then I met Marty," "This amazingly kind man, and we got married, and we had kids, and I promised myself that I would be the best mother ever." "And that my children would feel special on their birthdays." "Well, even though it's not perfect, it's going to be a wonderful party." "No, it's not." "I make everyone crazy." "Party is a bust." "Zabvronians, we have watched in wonder this week as Debbie Weaver planned a birthday party, have we not?" " We have." " We did." "She's crazy." "She screamed and stomped." "It seemed that birthdays were a thing to be feared." " Debbie Weaver, a woman to be avoided." " Totally." " Yes!" " That was my takeaway." "But I have heard her story." "And I would tell it to you now, but it's incredibly depressing, and I don't think you'd handle it." " It involves a cupcake..." " What's a cupcake?" "Zabvronians, today we stand with our neighbor." "This party cannot fail." "Today, we celebrate Abby Weaver's birthday!" "Yay." " Jackie, I appreciate that..." " Debbie Weaver, we will take it from here, my friend." "You deserve your own day, too." "Commence!" "Happy birthday to me." "I'm not gonna make it." "Oh, well, you'll find a better job with a bigger office and a more mobile boss." "No, you don't understand." "I have to miss the party." "Well, clearly you wish to be there, not at your silly counting job." "Why don't you just leave?" "Because I have responsibilities, Larry." "Because even though my hours aren't great and my office is small," "I like my silly counting job." "You know, there's a sense of accomplishment at the end of the day when I turn off my computer," "I crack my neck, I lean back, knowing that I have just provided for my family." "Provided what?" "Birthday parties and gift bags?" "Yeah, and mortgages and college educations, and, yes, birthday parties and gift bags." "You know, it's a thankless job sometimes, being a family man..." "I know that." "And I don't know how many minutes there are in a year." "525,600 minutes." "I've seen "rent."" "Yeah, well, a dad gets... maybe 15 really good ones a year." "That's one year, 15 perfect minutes." "But they make it all worthwhile." "And at my house today," "One of those minutes are gonna happen." "Happy birthday to you." "Happy birthday, dear Abby." "my little girl is going to get her special cake." "And for that one moment... my kid is gonna have a yard full of people making a big fuss just for her." "And it will all happen in my house, the first one that we've ever had," "Filled with princesses and clowns" "And happy kids." "Thank you." "And my wife, a woman who I still don't know how I landed, she'll have busted her ass to give her daughter the birthday she never had." "And that'll mean everything to her." "That's why I work." "And if I can't be there, well, you know what?" "That's okay." "That's just part of the gig." "A good day's work." "Oh, honey, you've got to shut it down." "The rental company wants to go." "Ten more minutes." "I've never seen so much joy on someone's face before." "Marty!" "My face is hurting!" "I'm smiling too much!" "Come and join me!" "I'm flying!" " It was a great party." " Yeah." "I got a feeling Abby's gonna remember her retirement birthday forever." " We'll miss you, Lou!" " You're the best, Lou!"