"All right, kids!" "Rise and shine!" "Let's go, everybody." "Let's go." "Come on, girls!" "Enough with the hair." "Hit the deck." "Hit the deck!" "Let's go, girls." "Let's go, everybody." "Come on." "Come on." "Wake up." "Come on, let's go." "Okay." "Let's go!" "Danny, turn off that radio!" "Uppy, uppy, uppy!" "Thanks." "Hey, Deb, I talked to Pete Scalary last night." "He's gonna get that training bra back real soon." "Who's in here?" "Oh, gosh." "Shut up!" "Danny, get out!" "Mom!" "Mom!" "Danny saw me naked!" "Stop." "You think you're cool, Danny." "Who are you?" "What's your name?" "Dennis." "Brush your teeth?" "All of them." "When are you gonna get that haircut?" "Honey, who is this?" "That's your nephew." "What are we running, a restaurant?" "Did you get out yesterday?" "Yes." "Twice." "I caddied for Ty Webb in the morning and I had doubles in the afternoon." "How much is that?" "lt's about 30 bucks plus tips." "Well, put it in the college fund." "You're like a three-year-old!" "You have to tell him every time he gets money." "As soon as you guys get back from Little League, let's get some painting done." "The Douglases got fake brick." "You don't have to paint it." "Hooray for the Douglases!" "Oh, come on, Jonathan." "Bad boy." "Why don't you give the St. Copius scholarship people a call?" "I don't know about that place." "I talked to a guy who went." "He said there were two girls and they were both nuns." "I saw that!" "That's about 10 bucks and change." "I had a couple of burgers and some Cokes for lunch." "How many Cokes?" "Four or five." "What are you, a diabetic?" "l don't know." "You're not leaving until we settle the college thing." "If he doesn't have something lined up by September I'm gonna ask Tom Burdick to put him on at the lumberyard." "He's not gonna work at the lumberyard." "He isn't gonna be a caddy all his life, is he?" "Hey, Mr. Webb, can I ask you something?" "Sure thing." "Shoot, Timmy." "Danny." "Danny." "When you were my age, did you ever have trouble deciding what you wanted to do with your life?" "No, I've never had that problem really." "Why?" "Forget it. I didn't think you'd understand." "You take drugs?" "Every day." "Good." "So what's the problem?" "l don't know." "Did you have to take that Cooter Preference Test when you were a senior?" "Oh, yeah, I took it." "They said I should be a fire watcher." "What are you supposed to be?" "An underachiever." "l gotta go to college. I gotta." "Oh, Danny, this isn't Russia." "This isn't Russia, is it?" "No." "I didn't think so." "No, the thing is, really, do you wanna go to college?" "In Nebraska?" "Besides, it costs like $8,000 a year." "Hold on. I think I lent you, what, $2.50 yesterday?" "I can't foot the bill for everything, so don't ask for money." "My dad can't afford it. I haven't told him about the scholarship I didn't get." "I'll end up working in a lumberyard." "What's wrong with lumber?" "I own two lumberyards." "You don't spend too much time there." "l'm not sure where they are." "l like you, Betty." "That's Danny, sir." "Danny. I'm gonna give you a little advice." "There's a force in the universe that makes things happen and all you have to do is get in touch with it." "Stop thinking, let things happen and be the ball." "Danny." "Danny?" "Sir." "Sir." "Where's the wedge?" "Right here, sir." "Thank you, Danny." "Find your center." "Hear nothing, feel nothing." "That is kind of incredible, sir." "You try, Danny." "Pardon me." "Pardon you?" "Here, you try it." "l don't know." "Go ahead." "Just relax." "Find your center." "Picture the shot, Danny." "Picture it." "Turn off all the sound." "Just let it happen." "Be the ball." "Be the ball, Danny." "You're not being the ball, Danny." "lt's kind of difficult with you talking." "Okay." "I'm not talking." "Stop talking." "I'm not talking now." "Be the ball." "Where'd it go?" "Right in the lumberyard." "It's okay." "We'll work on it." "McFiddish!" "Sir." "Do you know what I just saw?" "No, sir." "A gopher!" "Gopher?" "Where?" "Do you know what gophers can do to a golf course?" "Aye, sir. I think they're tunneling in from that construction site over yonder." "Czervik Construction Company?" "I'll slap an injunction on them so fast it'll make their heads spin." "And you...." "You get rid of those gophers or I'll be looking for a new greenskeeper. ls that clear?" "Aye, sir!" "Very clear, sir." "Yeah." "I'll put my best man on it!" "Mrs. Crane I'm looking at you." "You wore green so you could hide." "I don't blame you." "You're a tramp." "Oh, that was a good one." "Oh, that was right where you wanted it." "Mrs. Crane, you're a little monkey woman, you know that?" "You're a little monkey woman." "You're lean and you're mean and you're not too far between either I bet, are you, huh?" "Would you like to wrap your spikes around my head?" "Carl!" "Damn your eyes, man!" "I told you to cut the long grass on the thirteenth and to mow the practice green." "I was unavoidably detained." "You can forget about the thirteenth and the practice green." "I've got a more important job for you." "I want you to kill every gopher on the course." "Check me if I'm wrong, but if I kill all the golfers they're gonna lock me up." "Gophers!" "Not golfers!" "The little brown furry rodents." "We can do that." "We don't even have to have a reason." "Do it, man!" "I'll just do the same thing, but with gophers." "It's not my fault nobody can understand what you're saying." "Give me the Mets in three and I'll take the Yankees even." "I'll call you back." "Caddyshack." "Yeah." "What do you got?" "All right. I'll be right up." "Noonan." "Yeah, Lou?" "Take over for me." "I'll be right back." "Joe, people." "So I jump ship in Hong Kong and I make my way over to Tibet and I get on as a looper at a course in the Himalayas." "A looper?" "A looper." "You know, a caddy, a looper a jock." "So I tell them I'm a pro jock and who do you think they give me?" "The Dalai Lama himself." "The twelfth son of the Lama." "The flowing robes, the grace, bald striking." "So I'm on the first tee with him." "I give him the driver." "He hauls off and whacks one." "Big hitter, the Lama." "Long." "into a 10,000 foot crevice right at the base of this glacier." "Do you know what the Lama says?" "No." "So we finish 18 and he's gonna stiff me." "And I say, "Hey, Lama!" "Hey!" "How about a little something, you know, for the effort?"" "And he says, "Oh, there won't be any money but when you die, on your deathbed you will receive total consciousness."" "So I got that going for me." "Which is nice." "Your ball's right over there." "Go straight and you can't miss it." "Mrs. Havercamp." "You go that way and it's right over" "Mrs.-- Mrs. Havercamp." "You need this." "Oh, I might, at that." "Yeah." "Mr. Havercamp." "Mr. Havercamp, your ball's right over here, sir." "It's right there." "No, Mr. Havercamp, the green is right over there. lt's that way." "Look, sir, just bend a little bit that way and swing away and just straight up." "That's fine." "Great." "That's a peach, hon." "Oh, golly, I'm hot today." "What'd they do, die on you, Tony?" "I can't pay you." "Lou has to." "Where is he?" "He's out." "I can see that he's out, numbnuts." "Give me a Coke." "One Coke." "Hey, wait a minute." "That's only 50 cents." "Lou raised the price of Coke." "He's been losing at the track." "Well, I ain't paying no 50 cents for no Coke!" "Then you ain't getting no Coke." "Know what I'm talking about?" "You've had it, Noonan." "Come on, open up this door." "Open up this door!" "Watch it, jerk!" "Jerk?" "Come on out, Noonan!" "Bite it, baby." "Hey, what's going on?" "Open up, Noonan." "Come on." "Hey, Lou." "Out." "Sure you don't need me for nothing?" "No." "Hi, guy." "Hey, I think you and I ought to go outside and have a little talk." "Talk?" "Okay." "Yeah." "My friend, you have no idea how happy this is gonna make me." "l'm going to enjoy this thoroughly." "l hope that means the both of us." "Couldn't we just arm wrestle or something?" "That's my brother!" "Come here." "Give me a hand." "Whip his ass, Tony!" "Okay, Noonan." "Now, who'd you say the jerk was, jerk?" "Get him!" "What is this?" "What's the sign say?" "No bare feet." "What's that sign say?" "No fighting." "What's it mean?" "No fighting." "You owe me one gumball machine." "What's that candy wrapper doing there?" "Don't you see it?" "Well, pick it up!" "I'm gonna put it right on the line." "There have been a lot of complaints already." "Fooling around on the course, bad language smoking grass, poor caddying." "So if you guys wanna get fired if you wanna be replaced by golf carts, just keep it up." "One announcement:" "Carl Lipbaum died last week in summer school from a severe anxiety attack." "I heard he swallowed his vomit during a test." "However it happened, he was a good caddy and a good kid." "He was a brown nose, Lou." "You hated him." "Shut up." "That means the caddy scholarship is available again and anyone who's interested should go see Judge Smails." "And kiss his ass." "That would help." "Let's move out." "We got golfers waiting." "Let's go." "You, Angie, pick up that blood." "Hey, Lou what kind of grades do I need for this caddy scholarship deal?" "If you've been a good caddy, I think they're lenient." "We're about to tee off now." "So call the hospital and move my appointment with Mrs. Bellows back 30 minutes." "What?" "Oh, well...." "Just snake a tube down her nose and I'll be there in four or five hours." "Testing now." "Three, two, one, check." "Do you have any eights?" "Don't you have homes?" "Porterhouse?" "Yes, sir." "There's a brown Audi parked in my parking space." "Get a tow truck and have it hauled away immediately." "Right away, judge." "Right away, sir." "Yes, sir." "Oh, Porterhouse!" "Yes, sir!" "Yes, sir, judge." "Yes, sir." "Look at the wax build-up on those shoes." "This is fine leather." "I want that wax stripped off." "I want them creamed and buffed with a fine chamois..." "...and I want them now." "Chop-chop!" "You've got them, judge." "Spaulding, get dressed." "You're playing golf." "No, I'm not, Grandpa." "I'm playing tennis." "You're playing golf and you'll like it." "What about my asthma?" "l'll give you asthma." "Ty, what did you shoot today?" "l don't keep score, judge." "Well, how do you measure yourself with other golfers?" "By height." "You know, you should play with Dr. Beeper and myself." "He's been club champion for three years running and I'm no slouch myself." "Don't sell yourself short, judge." "You're a tremendous slouch." "Oh, say, Fred." "Have you heard the one about the Jew, the Catholic and the colored boy who went to heaven?" "Yeah." "That's a doozy, judge." "Colored boy?" "Why, you son of a bitch." "I'll fix you, you little" "Colored boy." "Here you are, kid." "Park my car." "Get my bags." "And put on some weight, will you?" "Hey, Wang, what's with the pictures?" "It's a parking lot!" "Come on, will you?" "I think this place is restricted, Wang, so don't tell them you're Jewish, okay?" "Fine." "I'm Al Czervik." "I'm playing with Drew Scott today and this is my guest, Mr. Wang." "No offense." "Give me half a dozen of those Vulcan D-10s and set my friend up with the whole schmeer." "You know, clubs, bags, shoes gloves, shirt, pants." "Orange balls!" "I'll have a box of those." "A box of naked-lady tees." "And give me two of those." "Give me six of those." "This is the worst-looking hat I ever saw." "You buy a hat like this, I'll bet you get a free bowl of soup, huh?" "Oh, it looks good on you though." "Okay." "Judge Smails, Smails lll Dr. Beeper and Bishop Pickering." "Who wants it?" "Yeah, I'll do it." "Right here." "l'll take Smails if nobody wants him." "Brown nose." "Brown nose." "Motormouth, take Dr. Beeper." "Hey, thanks, Lou." "John, you take the Bish." "This is ridiculous." "Let me carry that one." "No, I can do it." "You sure?" "Yeah." "Madonna with meatballs." "Turds!" "Spaulding!" "How many times have I told you about your language?" "Sorry, Grandpa. I forgot." "Lacey." "Bishop Pickering, Dr. Beeper, this is my niece, Lacey Underall." "Lacey's mother has sent her to us for the summer." "It must be a nice change from dreary old Manhattan." "Yes. I was getting really tired of having fun all the time." "Double turds!" "Spaulding!" "Hey, so where do we tee off?" "Al." "Al." "How are you?" "We're all set to go." "You know my friend?" "Sure, sure." "How you doing?" "Okay." "Right, right." "Are we waiting for these guys?" "Hey, whitey, where's your hat?" "Let's go, while we're young!" "You mind, sir?" "I'm trying to tee off." "I bet you slice it into the woods, a hundred bucks." "Gambling is illegal at Bushwood, sir, and I never slice." "Damn!" "Okay, you can owe me." "I owe you nothing!" "Judge Smails, sir, can I talk to you?" "You want your driver?" "No, he's not my type." "Hey, that's a joke. I'm kidding." "Yeah, give me the driver, will you?" "All right, place your bets, place your bets." "Here we are." "Don't count that. I was interfered with." "Shit!" "Goddamn it!" "By the way, what did Mr. Webb shoot this morning?" "He doesn't keep score, sir." "Yes, I know, but just guess." "Eighty, 75?" "Shit!" "More like 68, I think." "l don't believe it." "Really?" "Damn it!" "Oh, yes." "Shit!" "Why not improve your lie a little?" "Yes, Yes." "Winter rules." "Oh, yes." "Double farts!" "Fore!" "That's a fine shot." "I should have yelled "two."" "Why don't we walk this off, sir?" "What you got in here, rocks?" "When I was your age I would lug 50 pounds of ice up five, six flights of stairs." "So what?" "So what?" "So let's dance!" "Now what the devil--?" "The man's a menace." "Cut that off!" "Music is a violation of our personal privacy." "He's breaking the law." "Really?" "I've always been fascinated with the law." "Oh, really?" "What areas?" "Oh, all areas." "Personal privacy, noise statutes." "I planned to go to law school after I graduated but looks like my folks won't have enough money to put me through college." "Well, the world needs ditchdiggers too." "Nice try." "Great big gobs of greasy, grimy gopher guts." "How about a nice, cool drink, varmints?" "Scum, slime, menace to the golfing industry." "You're a disgrace." "You're varmints." "You're one of the lowest members of the food chain." "You'll probably be replaced by the rat." "Well, I have been pushed." "It's about time somebody teach these varmints a little lesson about morality and about what it's like to be a decent upstanding member of a society." "Come to Carl, varmint." "Come to Carl." "Okay. I guess we're playing for keeps now." "I guess the kidding around is pretty much over, huh?" "I guess it's just a matter now of pumping 15,000 gallons of water down there to teach you a little bit of a lesson." "is that it?" "I think it is!" "You guys are brothers, huh?" "Yeah." "What is this, a family business or what?" "You know, they say for Italians this is skilled labor, you know that?" "No, actually, I'm a rich millionaire." "My doctor told me to get out and carry golf bags a couple of times a week." "Oh, you're a funny kid, you know." "What time you due back in Boys Town?" "Here we are now." "Albert Einstein gave me this, you know." "Yeah." "Nice man, nice man." "Made a fortune in physics." "I'll tell you, son, my main satisfaction is working with young people like yourself at our new Youtheran Center." "Why don't you drop by some time?" "I've often thought of entering the priesthood." "Oh, are you Roman Catholic?" "Oh, then I'm sorry, but I'm afraid you can't come." "Go for it." "You know, I've often thought of becoming a golf club." "Not bad, huh?" "I'll have 2,000 more units in the next two years." "I bet they'd love a great shopping mall right here." "Condos over there." "Plenty of parking." "I'll tell you, country clubs and cemeteries, biggest wastes of prime real estate." "Dead people." "They don't wanna be buried nowadays." "Ecology, right?" "Ask Wang, he'll tell you." "We bought property right behind the Great Wall." "On the good side." "I want a hamburger." "No, a cheeseburger." "I want a hot dog." "I want a milkshake." "l want potato" "You'll get nothing and like it!" "Danny." "Danny, stop it." "The judge will see you." "You going out with me tonight?" "Yeah, up to my room?" "I gotta work in the dining room tonight." "Come work with me!" "You can bus tables." "l've never done that." "lt's easy." "You fill the water glass, you replace the butter." "If they drop a fork, you give them another." "I don't think I can handle that." "All right!" "Put me down for five." "Now, if I can just make this one." "Hey, Smails!" "A thousand bucks, you miss that putt." "Of all the nerve!" "Come here." "What'd he say?" "They're betting." "He has $1000 for the challenge." "You!" "You!" "You!" "Oh, my God!" "l did not throw it!" "lf you didn't..." "...how did it get here?" "lt slipped!" "Slipped!" "What's the problem?" "He almost killed my wife with his damn club!" "It was an accident." "It slipped out of my hands." "I noticed your grips were worn." "I should have mentioned it." "I could put some stickum on there for you. lt's my fault." "It's a good idea." "Next time be more careful!" "Kids!" "What are you gonna do?" "Look, I'm terribly sorry this happened." "I'll pay for your lunch and I'll pay for the umbrella." "Danny, I'll see you at the table." "I'll sign your card." "Thanks for helping me." "You're a good caddy." "Something to be very proud of." "You know we're giving another caddy scholarship this year?" "Yes. I heard something about that, sir, but my grades in high school weren't that outstanding." "There are more important things than grades." "Winning the caddy tournament, for instance." "It might look pretty good on a young fella's application." "l'm sure gonna try, sir." "This is for you." "You tell Ty Webb l'm gunning for him." "He's as good as he says he is, he's gotta play me to prove it." "Okay, I will, sir." "Good boy." "Good boy." "Thank you." "Thank you." "Licensed to kill gophers by the government of the United Nations." "Man free to kill gophers at will." "To kill, you must know your enemy." "In this case, my enemy is a varmint." "And a varmint will never quit." "Ever." "They're like the Viet Cong." "Varmint Cong." "So what you gotta do, you gotta fall back on superior firepower and superior intelligence." "And that's all she wrote." "You gonna eat your fat?" "Spaulding." "You're looking lovely this evening, Mrs. Smails." "Why, thank you, doctor." "Lacey, you'd be interested to know this uniform was given to me by the captain of the links of St. Andrews from Scotland." "They invented the game there, except they call it "gof" without the "L" as we do." "I think I have enough butter." "Right. lf you need any more...." "Sure." "When Mona died last winter, I said to myself:" ""Al, if you keep busting your hump 16, 20 hours a day you'll end up with a $60 million funeral."" "Hey, doll, could you scare up another round for our table?" "And tell the cook this is low-grade dog food." "All right?" "Here, take this for yourself." "Okay?" "Thank you, sir." "I had better food at the ball game, you know." "This steak still has marks where the jockey was hitting it." "Anyway, today I just stick to real estate." "With this market, if you own anything but land you own a popcorn fart." "Oh, did somebody step on a duck?" "Ain't that right, sir?" "The graveyard is two blocks to the left, okay?" "Dog food?" "!" "I'll show him dog food!" "Hey, where's the bar?" "Let's have some drinks here." "Hey, waiter, here." "This is for you, all right?" "Oh, Captain Hook!" "How about the grand you owe me?" "Forget about it. I'm just kidding." "All right." "This is your wife?" "A lovely lady." "Hey, baby, you're all right." "You must have been something before electricity, huh?" "Hey, doll, how are you, huh?" "You live alone?" "Hey, rabbi, nice seeing you." "Folks, how are you?" "And this is your grandson, huh?" "A wonderful boy." "Nice boy." "He's a good boy, I'll tell you." "Now I know why tigers eat their young, you know." "The dance of the living dead!" "l know why you came here tonight." "Why?" "That girl." "Listen, I'd put that idea right out of your mind." "She's been plucked more times than the rose of Tralee." "Biggest whore on Fifth Avenue I'm told." "Pay no attention to that bush moving around there by that tree." "It's just a bush." "Nothing even to look twice at." "Nothing to be alarmed about." "This looks like it could be gravy." "All right." "I smell varmint poontang and the only good varmint poontang is dead varmint poontang, I think." "You gotta get out on a ball." "Tom, I'll show you places you can go." "Where you gonna take me?" "Ty!" "Ty, come over here!" "Ty, hi, how are you?" "How are you?" "Hi." "Ty, there's someone you must meet." "Al Czervik, Ty Webb." "Al built our condo in Palm Beach." "I need a drink." "Nice meeting you." "I'll see you." "Take it easy." "See you in a bit, Al." "Heads up, but I think someone's giving you the big eyes." "Hey, can you make a bullshot?" "Can you make a shoe smell?" "Very funny." "Why don't you get yourself a real haircut?" "Take this." "Thanks." "What people here." "Look at that one." "The last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it." "So what brings you to this nape of the woods?" "Neck of the "wape"?" "How come you're here?" "Daddy wanted to broaden me." "In this place?" "Good luck." "What do you do for excitement?" "Oh, I...play a lot of golf." "Golf?" "Nixon plays golf." "Bet you got a lot of stories about your ball landing in the road." "So, what do you do?" "I enjoy...skinny-skiing going to bullfights on acid." "I bet you got a lot of nice ties." "What do you mean?" "You wanna tie me up with some of your ties, Ty?" "l've got a good idea." "What?" "Let's pretend we're real human beings." "Freeze, gopher!" "Elihu, who is that disgusting man over there?" "I tell you, I never saw dead people smoke before." "A guest of the Scotts." "What do you say we bust up this joint, huh?" "Hey, you two should get a room, you know?" "Hey, Ringo, play something hot, will you?" "And you guys take some more lessons." "Hey, judge, give someone else a chance." "You lucky devil!" "Come here, honey." "And hey, loosen up, will you?" "You're a lot of woman, you know?" "Hey, you wanna make $14 the hard way?" "You!" "You!" "You're no gentleman!" "I'm no doorknob either, all right?" "I never wanna see that man here again!" "Wait up, girls." "I got a salami I gotta hide still." "Carl!" "I told you, today is the day we change the holes." "Do it now!" "With no more slacking off!" "I'll slack you off, you fuzzy little foreigner." "I'll fill your bagpipes with Wheatena." "Man in a boat overboard." "You beast, you savage." "Come on, bark like a dog for me." "Bark like a dog. I will teach you the meaning of the word "respect."" "Mr. Webb." "I just gotta win that caddy tournament." "I owe it to my folks to get that scholarship." "What do you wanna go to college for?" "l don't know." "Let me tell you a story." "I knew a guy who could have been a great golfer." "Could have gone pro." "All he needed was a little time and some practice." "He decided to go to college instead." "He went for four years." "Did pretty well." "At the end of his four years, the last semester, he was kicked out." "You know what for?" "He was night-putting." "Just putting at night with the 15-year-old daughter of the dean." "You know who that guy was, Danny?" "No." "Take one good guess." "Bob Hope." "No, no." "No, that guy was Mitch Cumstein." "My roommate." "He's a good guy." "Don't be obsessed with your desires, Danny." "The Zen philosopher, Basho, once wrote:" ""A flute with no holes is not a flute and a doughnut with no hole is a Danish." He was a funny guy." "You missed just that one." "In one physical model of the universe, the shortest distance between two points is a straight line in the opposite direction, Danny." "Unbelievable." "Thank you very little." "Noonan, D'Annunzio, Mitchell, you're on the tee." "Here's a power hitter." "Nice form." "Nice form." "Good luck, sucker." "Nice one." "Very nice." "Very good." "Yeah." "Shit!" "No, no, nice shot." "Right on the beach." "Okay, Danny, this is for the gold." "You ain't got it today, Noonan." "Miss it, Noonan." "Miss." "Noonan!" "Noonan!" "Stop it." "Miss it, Noonan." "Miss!" "Noonan!" "Noonan!" "Miss it, miss it!" "Miss it!" "Excellent round, son." "Excellent round!" "Topnotch, topnotch!" "Thank you." "Thank you, sir." "Thank you." "Say, I'm having a little party at the Yacht Club this Sunday." "I'm christening my new sloop." "What are you doing this Sunday?" "l have..." "...no plans." "Great!" "How'd you like to mow my lawn?" "I figure a college-bound fellow could use a few extra dollars, huh?" "And when you've finished why don't you drop by the Yacht Club?" "Thank you, sir." "All right." "All right." "Smile." "Great." "Great." "Thank you." "Thank you." "Maggie, how about we go swimming?" "I don't have the swimwear." "Besides, I've never swum." "I'll teach you." "Why don't you come on in and help me sort me holy cards first?" "Now, Maggie's pants." "Let's get wet!" "You better cool it, pencil-neck." "Don't make me come down there." "You, that's who." "Hey, Bigfoot, don't trip in the water." "That's it!" "Let go of me." "You put your suit on!" "You shave your ass!" "Hi, Maggie." "How was it?" "How was what?" "I guess it couldn't have been that great then." "Oh, a lot you fucking know, D'Annunzio." "All right, stand up." "All right." "Okay." "She's incredible." "Let me just squirt into the side of the pool." "Hi, mama." "Hey, you guys, cool it!" "Hey!" "Hey, cut that out!" "I mean it, n--!" "Want some?" "Oh, give me some." "Who asked you?" "Come on, I'm asking." "Would you please--?" "Get out of here." "Hey, thanks a lot." "Stop that, you two!" "All of you!" "I want you out of that pool at once!" "Out you go, you understand?" "I don't want to see another caddy body in this pool." "All of you." "Did you understand what I said?" "Out." "Oh, Lacey." "Take your hands off her." "Put your clothes back on, my dear." "Out!" "I said, out!" "Didn't you hear me?" "Doodie!" "Doodie!" "Don't touch it!" "Spaulding, no!" "Doodie!" "Yeah, well, if you find anything that does look like a fecal remnant...." "l want the entire pool scrubbed, sterilized and disinfected." "Here it is!" "It's no big deal." "Well, hello." "Surprise, surprise, surprise." "Hi." "Busy?" "No, come on in." "Go ahead." "That's nothing." "I tried calling, but there's no listing for Mr. Wonderful." "What spelling did you use?" "Sorry about this mess." "Let me just clean up here." "l'm getting ready for the season." "What, duck?" "No, no." "Dolphin." "Would you like a drink?" "Tuna colada, perhaps?" "Anything, anything." "Who's your decorator, Benihana?" "No, I brought most of that stuff back with me from Vietnam." "You were in the war?" "No." "Homo." "Much better now though." "Here's an uncashed check for $70,000." "Keep it." "There's a bunch of them." "And a summons." "It's yours." "Pretty pathetic, Ty." "Pathetic?" "Maybe you, Lacey." "For me, there's a subtle perfection in everything I do." "l have my own standards, my own way." "My uncle says you got a screw loose." "Oh, yeah?" "Your uncle molests collies." "You're rather..." "What?" "...attractive for a beautiful girl with a great body." "Well, hey!" "Yeah." "Sing me a love song." "l'm gonna." "Yeah?" "This stuff's terrible." "lt's good." "You don't know how to do it." "How do I do it?" "l'm gonna show you." "I was born To love you I was born To lick your face I was born To rub you" "But you were born To rub me first" "Let's go into the patio room." "Know what this is called in the East?" "What?" "lt's a big rub." "You have very...." "Very small breasts." "Just kidding." "Come on." "Work my way down." "This is the Isle of Wight." "Careful. I'm gonna move right down the Taconic Parkway over to your "clavula"...." "Will you get serious?" "That's a very "in" thing to say." "Yes, I know." "lt's all right." "You're blocking." "That hurts!" "You're blocking, you're blocking." "Just hold on to your chakras." "Just get a little more oil on us." "There you go." "Now I've done it." "Let me get that away from you." "Oh, sorry." "It's like reaching under the rug." "There." "You're crazy!" "They said that about Son of Sam." "Know something?" "What?" "l'm a very qualified acupuncturist." "Don't even think about it." "l'm just gonna eat these." "I want you to know about it." "It's like acupressure, but it's acupuncture." "The slightest prick and you wouldn't even know it- l'll kill you!" "No, no. I did not do that." "See?" "You feel looser?" "Listen." "l feel like a hundred dollars." "Forget the massage, okay?" "And just kiss me, you fool." "Slipping." "Let go of my neck." "What kind of shit is this?" "It's the best, man." "I got it from a Negro." "You're probably so high already you don't even know it." "Probably." "He looks like Dick Cavett." "Hey, man, save me a toke." "Gotta do my doctor thing." "All right, everybody." "It's time to christen the sloop." "Come along, children." "You can shake your booties down on the dock." "Ahoy, polloi." "Where did you just come from, a Scotch ad?" "Eat it, Spaulding." "My, what a nice looking young man." "You're from Bushwood, aren't you?" "Yes, ma'am." "He's not a member, Grandma." "He's a caddy." "Judge Smails invited me at the club." "Of course." "You're the young man who wants to be in the Senate." "That's right." "Well, you two look like a couple of boogies." "Why don't you just scamper along now." "May I escort you out, ma'am?" "Hold on, son." "Are you trying to make time with my best girl, huh?" "I want you to meet Chuck Schick." "He's clerking for me this summer till he passes the bar." "See you on deck, senator." "Well, I'm going to law school too." "Really?" "Are you going to Harvard?" "No." "St. Copius of northern...." "Where?" "Hey, Cary Grant." "You wanna get high?" "Wait a minute. I've only got a little." "Then split." "Okay, Terry?" "Sure." "Bye, Chuck." "Guess I'm a little overdressed, huh?" "Depends on what's underneath." "Come on." "I've got a little poem I'd like to read in honor of this occasion, if I may." "Spaulding, get your foot off the boat." "It's easy to grin When your ship comes in" "And you've got The stock market beat" "But the man worthwhile ls the man who can smile" "When his shorts Are too tight in the seat" "Okay, Pookie, do the honors." "Bless this ship and all who sail on her." "I christen thee, The Flying Wasp." "This is your fate line." "You're gonna make a lot of money when you're older." "Oh, yeah?" "When?" "How?" "Could be in the market or on a game show." "And this...." "This is your saliva line." "What's it tell?" "How hot I can get you." "Well, don't just stand there." "Go get some glue!" "Hey!" "My buddy!" "Full steam ahead." "Over there." "I wanna go over there!" "Move over, Swanson. I'm driving." "Hey, Smails..." "...my dinghy's bigger than your whole boat!" "lt's him." "Save me a parking place, I'm coming in." "Heave off!" "Heave off!" "Get back, you idiot!" "Brace yourselves!" "I almost got head from Amelia Earhart." "What's this, Hell's Angels?" "Reverse, reverse." "What the hell are you--?" "Watch it." "Back!" "Which way is backward?" "Stop!" "Stop!" "Stop!" "Stop!" "Stop!" "Stop!" "Okay, drop anchor." "Hey, you scratched my anchor." "I just want you to know that, you know, because of this you don't have to stop seeing other people." "There you go." "Let's see." "Oh, it looks absolutely perfect." "You!" "Your robe, Your Honor." "Pl" " Help!" "Don't believe there's anybody home." "Thanks." "Thanks a lot." "Are we still having tea?" "Elihu would you come and loofa my stretch marks?" "That must be the tea." "What an incredible Cinderella story." "This unknown comes out of nowhere to lead the pack at Augusta." "He's on his final hole." "He's about 455 yards away." "He's gonna hit about a 2-iron, I think." "Well, he got all of that." "The crowd is standing on its feet here at Augusta." "The normally reserved Augusta crowd is going wild." "For this young Cinderella who's come out of nowhere he's got about 350 yards left." "He's gonna hit about a 5-iron, I expect." "Don't you think?" "He's got a beautiful backswing." "That's" " Oh, he got all of that one!" "He's gotta be pleased with that." "The crowd is just on its feet here." "He's a Cinderella boy." "Tears in his eyes, I guess, as he lines up this last shot." "He's got about 195 yards left and he's gonna" "Looks like he's got about an 8-iron." "This crowd has gone deadly silent." "Cinderella story." "Out of nowhere." "A former greenskeeper now about to become the Masters champion." "It looks like a mirac-- lt's in the hole!" "lt's in the hole!" "Hey, young fella I was hoping to squeeze in nine holes before this rain starts." "Certainly, Your Eminency." "Take my bag, huh?" "Certainly, Your Magnificence." "Okay, come on." "Chop-chop." "Let's go." "You better put this on." "That's a great shot." "Eureka!" "I can't believe the way you hit the ball, sir." "You're really clubbing it." "We better start moving." "Did you see that?" "Miracle, eh?" "Nice shot, bishop." "You must've made a deal with the devil." "You know, I could break the club record, theoretically." "You better come in until this blows over." "Well, what do you think, fella?" "l'd keep playing." "I don't think the heavy stuff will come down for a while." "You're right." "Anyway, the good Lord would never disrupt the best game of my life!" "I'm infallible, young fella!" "Come on, one more hole!" "Rat farts!" "Danny?" "Hi, Maggie." "Hi." "You're here early." "Yeah." "Yeah, I...." "I kind of slept here last night." "Oh, Maggie." "I'm in big trouble." "Oh, yeah?" "Me too. I'm late." "Late for what?" "For not being pregnant." "Oh, God." "Yeah." "Well, I don't hold you responsible." "It's my problem." "I can handle it." "Danny." "Oh, Mag." "Maggie, look, look." "I'm not gonna let you go through this alone." "No!" "Whatever you decide." "I'm gonna have it, I've already decided!" "Well, that's it then." "We'll just get married." "Oh, God!" "That's all I need!" "No, look, I want to, all right?" "No, you don't!" "Yes, I do." "No, you don't!" "Yes, I do!" "Look, I don't wanna get married, Danny!" "Come on, Maggie." "You're just saying that." "No, I'm not!" "Look, Danny it might not be yours." "Okay?" "Maggie, you're making this up about the other guys..." "...so I won't have to feel guilty." "l'm not making it up!" "All right. I'm still willing to marry you!" "Oh, yeah?" "Yeah!" "Well, thanks for nothing!" "You're a good egg, Noonan." "She needs you." "Pick up that Kleenex." "Good morning, Lou." "Good morning." "The judge would like to see Danny Noonan as soon as he comes in." "l'm Danny Noonan." "Would you come with me, please?" "Judge Smails, sir?" "Sit down, Danny." "Danny, I think you know why you're here so I'll do us both the courtesy of not reviewing what happened yesterday." "I'm sorry." "My niece is the kind of girl that has a certain zest for living." "The last thing any of us need right now is loose talk about her behavior." "I swear I didn't tell anybody anything, sir." "Good." "Good, good." "You know, despite what happened I'm still convinced you have many fine qualities and I think you can still become a gentleman someday." "If you understand and abide by the rules of decent society." "Danny." "Danny." "There's a lot of well, badness in the world today." "I see it in court every day." "I've sentenced boys younger than you to the gas chamber." "Didn't want to do it." "Felt I owed it to them." "The most important decision you can make is:" "What do you stand for, Danny goodness or badness?" "I know I've made some mistakes in the past. I'm willing to make up for that." "l wanna be good." "Good!" "Good." "Very good!" "You know I know how hard it is for young people today and I wanna help." "Well, just ask my grandson, Spaulding." "He and I are regular pals." "Are you my pal?" "Mr. Scholarship Winner?" "Yes, sir. I'm your pal." "How about a Fresca?" "Another rob roy, bishop?" "You never ask a Navy man if he'll have another drink because it's nobody's goddamn business how many drinks he's had already, right?" "Wrong!" "You're drinking too much, Your Excellency." ""Excellency." Fiddlesticks." "My name's Fred and I'm just a man, same as you are." "You're not a man!" "You're a bishop, for God's sakes!" "There is no God." "Oh, Webb-o man, I didn't see your name on the sign-in sheet for the club tournament." "I thought you'd be the man to beat this year." "Guess you'll just have to keep beating yourself." "Very good, yeah." "Come on, honey." "Let's go, huh?" "Hey, boys, how are you?" "Hey, Al." "How are you?" "Hey, we're both starving." "When do we eat?" "You!" "You." "You have worn out your welcome at Bushwood, sir." "is that so?" "Who made you pope of this dump, huh?" "Bushwood, a dump?" "Well, I'll guarantee you'll never be a member here." "Member?" "Are you kidding?" "You think I'd join this crummy "snobatorium"?" "Why, this whole place sucks!" "Right, it sucks." "Only reason I'm here is maybe I'll buy it." "Buy Bushwood?" "You!" "You baboon!" "You beast!" "Okay, break it up." "l get no respect from anyone." "Please." "What's going on?" "He tried to choke me." "You saw it." "He called me a baboon." "Thinks I'm his wife." "l'm calling the police." "Call the chief of police, I built his condo!" "Out. I want him out of here." "He wants you out." "Guys, judge!" "Come on, let's be adults here." "Let's not mess the place up." "Let's go to your office." "I'll make some drinks for us all." "We'll talk about it." "Come on." "Danny!" "Danny." "Maggie." "Maggie, you flipping out?" "No. I'm happy!" "I'm not pregnant." "That's great." "Listen, you were sweet." "I'm sorry I was hard on you." "No, I deserved it." "I've been acting like a jerk." "l hate myself. I'll get that scholarship." "That's good, isn't it?" "No. I've been a creep lately and I just can't help it." "You're not a creep, Noonan." "Yes, I am." "No, you're not." "Yes, I am." "All right, maybe you are a little bit." "Well...." "Listen, you're good deep down." "I know you'll do the right thing." "Thank you, Maggie." "l demand satisfaction." "Oh, you want satisfaction?" "I'll tell you what's real satisfying, cash." "I'll shoot you 18 holes for 10,000 bucks." "Why, I could beat you with one arm." "How about teams then for $20,000?" "You can have Dr. Frankenputts." "l beg your pardon." "And I'll take Ty here." "Hey, fellas." "Don't include me in on it." "Ty." "Come on." "You're an ace." "Everybody knows it." "l-- l don't play golf for money against people." "What are you, religious or something?" "You might say that." "Excuse me." "Excuse me." "Excuse me." "l got it." "Ty, can I have a word with you?" "In private." "Sure thing, judge." "Ty." "Judge." "Ty." "Ty, your father and I prepped together went to war together, we played golf together." "We built this club, he and I." "Now, let's face it, son." "Some people simply do not belong." "Let's not cave in too easy." "Well, what do you say, Ty?" "Let's make it 40,000." "Hey, great!" "You know, judge my dad never liked you." "I'll see you two tomorrow morning on the golf course." "Hey, beautiful." "Beautiful." "I have to laugh because I've often asked myself...." "My foe, my enemy, is an animal and in order to conquer him I have to think like an animal." "And whenever possible to look like one." "I gotta get inside this dude's pelt and crawl around for a few days." "Who is the gopher's ally, his friend?" "The harmless squirrel and the friendly rabbit." "I'm gonna use you two guys to do my dirty work for me." "Look at it. lt's the gopher." "Hello?" "There she is." "There she is." "This is it. lt's a Titleist." "Twenty thousand dollars." "Twenty thousand dollars." "All right, show yourself, you little varmint." "If you got the guts." "You son of a bitch." "Where'd you go?" "Oh, hi, Carl." "How you doing?" "Oh, hi." "Hi." "Mind if I play through?" "Go right ahead." "Are you getting in a late night or something?" "Yeah, I was just loosening up." "Was that your ball I heard rambling through?" "Yeah." "Did you see my ball in here?" "Titleist?" "That's it." "Yeah, it's right here." "This your place, Carl?" "Yeah, what do you think?" "It's really...." "It's really awful." "Well, I have a lot of things on order." "You know, credit trouble." "I'm an assistant greenskeeper." "Doesn't mean anything until I'm the head greenskeeper." "Can you give me a ruling on this?" "Sit down." "No, I don't wanna stick to anything." "Here, take this thing off." "This is dirty." "Don't go to too much trouble, please." "Here, fire up." "With my lips?" "Yeah." "l don't think so, Carl." "Just right back." "lf l could borrow a wedge or something." "If you can open a curtain, I can get through that window." "People say I'm an idiot or something because all I do is cut lawns for a living." "People don't say that about you as far as you know." "Well, I'm working on it so I don't ever have to...." "l'm gonna be head greenskeeper, hopefully within six years." "That's my schedule." "But I'm studying this stuff so I know it." "You know, like you know, chinch bugs." "You know manganese." "A lot of people don't even know what that is." "Great, Carl." "Could I get a--?" "Nitrogen." "Just open a curtain and I can just get out of here." "I invented my own kind of grass too." "Did you know that?" "Look at this." "This is registered." "Carl Spackler bent." "Oh, yeah." "I've felt grass like this before." "I've played on this stuff." "This is a hybrid." "This is a cross, bluegrass Kentucky bluegrass, featherbed bent and northern California sinsemilla." "The amazing stuff about this is that you can play 36 holes on it in the afternoon take it home and just get stoned to the bejesus belt that night on this stuff." "l got pounds of this stuff." "Here." "No." "Thank you. I don't-- l don't" "Let's have a little bit. I got the big Bob Marley joint." "Here, try this." "Carl, I really don't do this very often." "You're gonna love it." "This is dynamite." "Well, maybe one drag, then I gotta go." "It's a little harsh." "Here, cannonball it." "Cannonball it right back." "Then one more of these right on top of it." "Cannonball!" "Cannonball coming." "No." "Carl could I have a drop?" "Just a drop myself." "That's fine for me." "That's good." "Can I say something to you frank?" "Ty, Frank." "You've been acting psychotically lately." "What the hell?" "Why?" "I've been under strain." "I gotta play with Smails tomorrow..." "Smails?" "...in a money match." "No." "Thing to do with Smails...." "He bothers you, I'll take care of him." "What you gotta do to Smails is cut the hamstring on the back of his leg right at the bottom." "He'll never play golf again." "Because he goes back, his weight displacement goes back he stays there." "All his weight's on his right, he'll push everything right." "He'll never come through." "He'll quit the game." "That would work." "I'm gonna call you if I need help." "But, seriously, no B.S you ever wanna rap, just talk or just get weird with somebody buddies for life." "I'll drop by." "You drop by my place anytime." "What's your address?" "You're around Briar, right?" "Briar, 2." "You got a pool over there?" "We have a pond in the back." "We have a pool and a pond." "A pond would be good for you." "Natural spring." "Yeah." "Or the pool or a pond." "Anything would be good." "Well, I'm gonna clean this up." "You go ahead, clean up. lt looks fine to me." "Thanks for the dope." "Fore!" "Danny, you carry my bag." "What the--?" "Who the--?" "Get back there." "What do you think you're doing?" "Get off of here!" "Good morning, judge." "This is a golf course, not a parking lot!" "You back this thing out of here right now!" "Okay." "Hey, look at that." "Don't play games with me, Ty." "Put that steering wheel where it belongs, and get this out of here!" "l got it, judge." "l'm sorry I'm late." "Let's play golf!" "Do it!" "I didn't do that." "Oh, there's my phone." "l'm getting tired" "Gentlemen, it's about time-- l told you, never call me on the golf course." "What's that?" "Then sell, sell, sell!" "They're all selling?" "Then buy, buy, buy!" "Let me have the Coast." "Can we start now?" "Gentlemen." "What do you want?" "Gentlemen." "Can I use your phone?" "Gentlemen!" "ls it long distance?" "Hey!" "Gentlemen, we all know this is illegal and against club practice." "And I'd like to ask at this time if you gentlemen all agree to waive all sanction against said referee or anything that might get me fired." "Agreed." "Fine." "The match is for $20,000 each." "Lowest score wins the hole in regulation match play." "I have a number of tees in my hand." "Your Honor, odd or even?" "Odd!" "Odd it is." "Your honor, Your Honor." "Hey, tiger, here." "Keep it fair, will you?" "No, I can't accept this." "Driver, please." "Danny." "Don't smile at me a lot, okay?" "Say, the judge and Mr. Czervik, $100,000 match going on." "You're kidding." "No." "Now, what you wanna do?" "Five, Mr. Czek." "Five, Mr. Czek." "You got it?" "Got it." "Hello?" "Anybody home?" "Hello, Mr. Gopher?" "Yeah, it's me, Mr. Squirrel." "Yeah." "Hi." "Just a harmless squirrel not a plastic explosive or anything." "Nothing to be worried about." "I'm just here to make your last hours on earth as peaceful as possible." "Yes, don't mind this." "This is doctor's orders and so forth." "You don't mind if I just pop in there for a few laughs?" "Yeah, that's right." "Or in the words of Jean Paul Sartre:" ""Au revoir, gopher."" "This is sweet." "This is gonna be sweet." "Hey!" "That kangaroo stole my ball!" "All right!" "What's up, doc?" "I tell you, I don't understand it." "I'm playing the worst game of my life." "Hey." "Don't put yourself down, Al." "You're not" " You're not" "You're not good." "You stink." "Say, fifty bucks, the Smails kid picks his nose." "Come on, buddy." "Here he comes." "Don't do it." "All right, kid, take your time." "Come on, come on." "Yeah." "Fifty bucks more says he eats it." "You're on." "He eats." "You're on." "Now, don't do it, kid." "Don't!" "Don't do it!" "Come on." "There he goes." "He's going for it." "Yeah!" "What a pig!" "Man, that kid'll eat anything." "Yes, he was hungry." "What do you say, Al?" "Shall we press on?" "Hey, judge, cheer up, will you?" "My boat needs exactly $20,000 worth of repairs." "And so does your brain." "You wanna double it?" "Fine!" "Forty thousand apiece." "All right." "Forty thousand." "Forty thousand." "Let's go." "You got it." "All right." "Hold on, judge, I mean" "That's my office. I better get going." "No." "You're in for half of 80,000." "Probably just a routine emergency." "Why'd I double it?" "I tell you, I should have stayed home and played with myself." "Ty, I saw Smails before." "He was cheating." "Nobody likes a tattletale, Danny." "Except, of course, me." "Oh, my arm. lt's broken!" "Good Lord..." "...what has this buffoon done now?" "Let's have a look at that." "Well, that might be a fractured ulna." "l'm afraid you forfeit." "Who says so?" "The match is a draw." "No, you don't." "You don't play, you lose." "Right, Lou?" "That's right, Your Honor." "Unless you wanna allow him a substitute." "Oh, well...." "Spaulding can play out his holes." "Actually, judge, I think it's up to us to pick our substitute." "What do you want?" "Sonja Henie's out." "We'll take Danny Noonan." "Danny is an employee of the club." "He can't work and play..." "...particularly in something this illegal." "Makes a lot of sense, judge." "Hey, kid, if you win, I'll make it worth your while." "Well?" "I'll play." "Guess you didn't want that scholarship?" "l guess I don't." "I guess you don't. I guess you don't." "Don't worry, it's good luck." "In Haiti." "You're gonna have to win this hole." "l kind of thought winning wasn't important." "Me winning isn't!" "You do." "Great grammar." "Danny." "See your future." "Be your future." "Make...." "Make-- Make it!" "Make it." "Make your future, Danny." "I'm-- l'm a veg, Danny." "Give me this." "Take it easy, will you, Ty?" "Hey, Mr. Gopher?" "Gentlemen, this match is all even." "Final hole." "Doctor, you are away." "Spaulding, this calls for the old Billy Baroo." "Billy, Billy, Billy." "This is a biggie." "Don't let me down, Billy." "Forty thousand dollars, Billy." "I knew you'd do it!" "These are men America's best" "Don't worry about this one." "If you miss it, we lose." "Hey, judge, double or nothing he makes it." "Eighty thousand." "What?" "What's that, judge?" "You're on!" "You're on!" "Well we're waiting." "Noonan, you can do it." "You lose it, buddy." "We did it!" "We did it!" "Fore." "It's a birdie!" "All right, Smails, that's 80 grand." "Now fork it over." "I'll give you nothing." "Absolutely, you understand, nothing!" "I figured as much." "Hey, Moose, Rocco!" "Help the judge find his checkbook." "Well, l" " You-- l will." "Hey, everybody, we're all gonna get laid!"