"( theme music playing )" "if you had been here half an hour ago, you would have seen me disguised as a french general, with a false nose made of plastic explosive." "unfortunately, i sneezed, causing the wick, which was concealed in my nostril, and which was in fact a fuse, to become exposed." "the wick then caught light from the end of my cigar, whereupon i flung the offending nose through the open doorway." "unfortunately, i blew up herr flick of the gestapo, who just happened to be passing at the time." "just a normal, tuesday afternoon in wartorn france." "rene, we have put the uniform back on the french general." "he is still unconscious." "what shall we do with him?" "whatever you like." "general von klinkerhoffen has given orders to have me shot, so i am leaving." " rene!" " oh, but rene!" "rene!" "i have good news for you." "i have informed general von klinkerhoffen that it was the french general who attempted to assassinate herr flick of the gestapo by exploding him." "he now suspects the french general of being the miscreant who tried to poison us all at the meeting to plan the invasion." "oh, lieutenant gruber, you are fantastic!" "how can i ever thank you?" "well, i-- i had not yet given the matter any thought." "and how is poor herr flick?" "at the moment, very blown up." "the colonel took him to obtain the nearest medical assistance." "there is a first aid post in the town hall." "if i had been the colonel, i would have taken him to the vet." "he did." "we army chaps are not very fond of the gestapo." "oh, rene." "isn't it wonderful that you are no longer under suspicion?" "let us all celebrate with a little cognac." "i have, i'm afraid, no time." "the general has ordered us to comb the town to arrest the french general, so i'd better start combing." "good luck with your search, lieutenant gruber." "come back and see us soon." "whatever you want here will be free." "as long as it is on the menu." "thank you." "start the tank, clarence!" "( engine starts ) why did you not tell him the french general is in the cellar?" "because he is a wanted man!" "they might say we were hiding him." "i have it!" "we will stick him outside the cafe, and i will phone up the germans and snitch on him." "edith, that is a rotten idea." "well, he is a collaborator." "death to the collaborators!" "( loudly ) death to all collaborators!" "edith, keep your voice down." "we will lose half our customers." "hell hitler." "hell hitler." "i tried to persuade him to go to hospital, but he said he'd rather have a bunk-up in the cellar." "go away!" "it is terrible to see you like this, herr flick." "has any vital organ been damaged?" "i am testing them one at a time." " shall i kiss you?" " yes, but with great care." "my god!" "you are pulling my pulley." "i'm sorry, herr flick." "aaaahh!" "he is heavy as lead." "i will put this beside him, so he looks like a customer." "my paralyzing pill is still paralyzing him." "serve him right!" "edith:" "collaborator!" "i will phone the german headquarters and tell them we have spotted him." "perhaps they will give me a medal?" "edith, if they give you a medal, you will be a collaborator!" "oh, yes. this war is very complicated." "( gasps ) look-- here comes the italian captain." "oh heck." "get him inside before he discovers the french general is paralyzed." "captain:" "ah, the beautiful ladies." "i kiss your hands." "you have the scent of the summer flowers." "you have the scent of the spring morning." "you have the scent of the garlic." "it drive me mad." "you make my heart go boom-tiddy-boom, tiddy-boom." "oh." "captain, come inside." "have some wine on the house." "no, is a beautiful day." "i sit here, with the french general." "ah!" "ah, rene, wine for the italian captain." "general, how's it getting on, eh?" "you mind my asking a very personal question?" "how you feel about losing the war, eh?" "mama mia, what a mistake to make." "come here, hubert." "look what i have commandeered from the museum." "oh." "if i am not mistaken, louis xiv." "quite right." "priceless." "what a find." "how i envy you." "i like a little envy." "i intend to give them as a present to my wife." "it's our 25th anniversary." "oh, what an occasion." "what an occasion, indeed." "a little schnapps?" "general von klinkerhoffen!" "i will see the colonel at once." "yes, general." "( shouting ) general von klinkerhoffen!" " hell hitler." " hell hitler." "sit." "general:" "stay." "i see you are about to drink." "we have cause for celebration." "the french general, who was the rotten apple in our midst, has been arrested, and is now on his way to berlin for interrogation." "how is the gestapo officer?" "he has many bandages." "good." "who informed us of the whereabouts of the french general?" "the proprietor of the cafe." "a good man." "it was fortunate we didn't shoot him." "should we perhaps reward him?" "yes, give him a medal." "sneaky collaborators, class i." "now, have you made arrangements for a further meeting with the generals to discuss the plans for the invasion of england?" "all the arrangements have been made to the last detail." "good. cancel them." "cancel them?" "mmm. it has come to my ears, that the resistance may be planning a blowing up." "no." "yes. therefore i suggest the following:" "we will round up a number of peasants, and you will disguise them in the uniform of german generals." "we will give them maps, little model boats, little toy tanks, and an adequate quantity of jelly babies to represent the invasion forces." "with these, they will appear to be planning the invasion." "this they will do in a tent in the middle of the town square." "if the resistance decide to blow them up, then so be it." "brilliant plan!" "pure genius." "wait, there is more." "the other generals, and ourselves, disguised as peasants, will be planning the real invasion in the cafe, where, of course, we will not be suspected." "what an ingenious twist." "breathtaking audacity." "it's a product of a superior mind." "with respect general, such brilliance calls for a drink." "schnapps for the general." "colonel, should i tell him he has sat on his hat?" "no." "definitely not." "so, a toast." "to the invasion and the conquest of england!" "( shatters )" "the invasion and conquest of england!" "( shatters )" "come along, lieutenant." "should we not perhaps delay the toast until we know the date?" "the 14th." "what time?" "4:00 in the morning." "ah, well!" "the invasion and conquest of-- of england." "invasion and conquest of england." "( shatters )" "( shatters )" " psst, rene." " what is it?" "you are wanted in the back room." "all right." "is it michelle?" "where is she?" "i do not see her." "does she have a message for us?" "does she wish to see me?" "no. it is i who wish to see you." "oh, rene, why have you been ignoring me?" "you have not noticed me even though i have washed my hair and undone two buttons of my blouse." "i thought you were putting on weight." "oh, rene, i must embrace you and hold your body against mine." "yvette, yvette, that perfume." "it will be all over me." "my wife will be suspicious if do not smell of garlic and old dinners." "rene!" "what are you doing in the arms of that girl?" "well, i-- what business is it of yours whose arms he is in?" "rene, you faithless deceiver." "you promised that when your lips touched mine, they would never touch any other." "michelle, we have not been doing any lip touching." "we were just hugging." "what is she saying?" "rene, tell me you did not touch her lips." "well, it is like this yvette-- michelle, the ice cold, untouchable head of the resistance, turned out to have the hots for me, and i am, as you know, only a weak man," "and in a moment of careless abandon, i did allow my lips to touch her lips." "oh, rene, if you love another, i will kill myself." "and i will kill myself." "oh, now, girls, girls." "please, please, do not do anything rash." "i am not worth it, really." "rene, leave the room." "yvette and i will resolve this matter, for better or worse, once and for all." "all right, but if it is going to be a suicide pact, do not put my name on the note." "go!" "now-- now before you speak, let me explain." "sit down." "rene was about to resign from the resistance." "i knew there was only one way to keep him, so i took a deep breath and closed my eyes and vowed to him that i'd loved him from the first moment that we met." "naturally, he fell immediately in love with me and agreed to stay with the resistance." "but do not worry, i'm not in love with him." "he drives me right round the twist." "but what good is this to me, if he loves you?" "do not worry, i will keep him for a while in a froth." "then, when we have got the british airmen away, i will do to him something very horrible and you can have him back." "and you are very welcome." "what you see in him i cannot imagine." "he is an incredible lover." "oh, he sends shivers up and down my spine." "being with him is like watching a fantastic movie with boris karloff." "you poor child." "you should eat more green vegetables." "look, yvette, we have custom-- what is going on in here?" "nothing, edith, nothing." "it is just girl talk." "oh, did i miss something?" "not unless you are interested in green vegetables and boris karloff." "an urgent message has come through on the radio in morse code." "what is it?" "beep be be be." "beep be be be." "beep be be be." "( static noise ) good." "plan b must be put into operation at once." "and what is plan b?" "it is good news." "another group of airmen who have been shot down will be arriving in the cafe." "you call this good news?" "do not tell me they will be disguised as onion sellers?" "what was the last part of the message?" "beep, be be be." "beep, be be be." "yes." "look, i am having no more british airmen in my cafe." "it will only be for an hour or so." "under the cover of an air raid, a fish truck will draw up outside the cafe." "the airmen will run out and hide in it, and be driven to the coast." "from there, a lobster boat will take them to a secret rendezvous with a submarine." "and what if i refuse?" "ladies, please leave the room." "do not be too hard on him." "come." "come here." "run your hands through my hair." "wipe them on your apron first." "nuzzle my ear like you did before, and tell me you will do it!" "of course i will do it." "oh, michelle." "oh, rene." " excuse me, sir." " psst!" "it is i, leclerc." "you are looking very smart." "i am dressed to promenade madame fanny." "you see, it is the anniversary of our first meeting," "50 years ago." "ah, ha ha." "psst!" "i tell you, we had a bit of a ding dong." "why did you never marry?" "well, in those days, i had the entry to all the finest houses in france." "because you were young and handsome?" "no, because i was a burglar." "it is the policeman who thinks he can speak french." "good moaning." "i wish you to give a massage to ronnie." "he means rene." "oh, ah, in that case, it would be better if you gave rene a massage." "just remember what he says." "it may be important." "i will, uh-- i will take notes." "shoot." "tell ronnie that i shall brong the two british earmen when the rid has started and bums are falling." "good do to you." "did you get the message?" "yeah, yeah." "he wants you to give rene's fallen bum a massage." "i think it is in code." "come along, mamma." "monsieur leclerc is going to take you for a nice promenade." "oh." "ah, madame fanny." "oh, see how young he looks?" "oh, see him twirl his cane." "see him doff his hat." "oh, see him make a bow." "oh... see him struck by rheumatism." "oh, oh!" "good evening, generals." "hell hitler." "all:" "hell hitler!" "general:" "i see you are already wearing your disguises." "forgive me for being late, but we were supervising the dressing up of the peasants as generals." "they are a rough-looking mob." "if the resistance do decide to blow them up, they'll be no great loss." "now, you go ahead and prepare the cafe for the conference." "we will follow shortly." "hell hitler." "all:" "hell hitler!" "do you have our disguises?" "here they are." "ooh. did you not have them fumigated?" "yes, gruber, did you not have them fumigated?" "there was no time." "we'll go as we are." "march!" "rene, i am very worried about mamma and monsieur leclerc." "it is very late, and they have not yet come back." "at their age, they will not be up to any mischief." "but the germans are rounding up all the villagers and putting them in the tent, in the square." " what?" " if they catch them, they might interrogate them." "oh, do not worry." "they know nothing about tonight's plan of escape." "here are the two earmen." "they will wait here for the bumming by the r.a.f." "you speak english, explain to them what is happening." "okay, chaps." "sit here." "lots more r.a.f. blokes will be joining you." "will they be dressed as onion sellers?" "well, of course." "what a lark." "when the bombing starts, leap into the fish truck, and off you go." "roger." "here they are now." " hello, chaps." " hello." "fairfax:" "squiffy!" "when did you get shot down?" "ha ha ha!" "( very loud chatter ) i say, it's just like being back in the mess." "yes!" "for god's sake, tell them to keep their voices down, or we will all be shot." "keep it down, you chaps." "shh, shh!" "oh my god!" "oh rene, let us go into the square and get arrested and put in the tent." "it will be safer." "flockenstuffen, already there are other german generals in the cafe disguised as peasants." "yes, obviously this is a very important meeting." "my god, how many can they get in a submarine?" "they're going to need an aircraft carrier." "hello, chaps!" "glad to see you." "we'll soon be in england." "yes, indeed." "hell hitler!" "oh yes, hell hitler." "hell hitler!" "ha ha ha!" "evidently we are to practice our english at this meeting." "no problem as far as i am concerned." "after heidelberg, i went to oxford." "aha aha aha!" "( mimicking previous laugh ) aha aha aha, ha ha ha." "i say, any idea how we're getting over there?" "well, we do have the jolly old plans." "the barges are to assemble here." "barges?" "i thought we were going in a submarine?" "submarine?" "good grief." "we'd need hundreds of them." "aha!" "how many of us are going?" "initially, about 5,000." "good lord!" "i never knew we had that many chaps here." "rene, i do not wish to weary you, but i recognize some of those purple." "they are german ginerals." "german ginerals?" "they are pissing themselves off as posants." "( airplanes overhead )" "it's an air raid." "if a bomb hits that cafe, our war effort will be crippled." "get the generals to the shelter." " very good, general." " ( explosion )" "( gunfire; explosions ) there is an air raid." "everybody to the shelters." " okay." " what?" "edith, i do not think this operation is going according to plan." "( gunfire ) quick!" "gruber, colonel, the shrapnel is whizzing everywhere." "follow me!" "( gunfire continuing ) quick, into the truck!" "why do they want to put us into the truck?" "i expect it will drive us to the air-raid shelter." "come." "if the germans do not shoot me for this, the resistance will." "put up the back, there is no more room." "( explosion )" "( battle sounds continue )" "here are the generals." "i thought you told me the onion sellers were the generals?" "psst!" "it is i, leclerc." "congratulations, it has all gone like clockwork." "the fish truck is on its way to the coast." "you call this clockwork?" "you fools." "you have just sent a large number of genuine german generals to the coast in a fish truck." "oh my god." "rene, look on the bright side." "maybe the crew of the submarine will capture the german generals, make them prisoners, and we will win the war, and you will be a hero." "and at least we have got the british airmen away." "i say, what time's the next fish truck?" "( theme music playing )"