"( theme music playing )" "is there anyone among you who thinks it's a little strange that i am chained to the wall of a dungeon wearing ladies underwear?" "if there is, you have not been paying attention." "i was tricked into this ludicrous situation by herr flick of the gestapo." "i am now awaiting rescue by lieutenant gruber, who is the one who fancies me." "i would rather not be rescued by him, but, in wartorn france, one has to make strange bedfellows." "i wish i had not said that." "soldier:" "she is in here." "she has been very quiet." "rene, we will have you out of here." "good." "oh, your arms look quite pale." "that is because the blood has fallen down below my elbows." "i hope you will soon be able to remove this experience from your memory." "yes, i hope you will be able to do the same." "here are the clothes in which you can leave." "i hope the skirt is not too tight." "it is the largest i could find." "why do i have to wear a skirt?" "rene, i could not walk through the town with you dressed in ladies underwear." "why could you not bring me trousers?" "you were taken prisoner as a woman soldier, and you must be taken out as a woman soldier." "will not my moustache arouse suspicion?" "no, rene." "no, in the german army, lady sergeants are permitted to grow them." "you sent for me, herr flick?" "yes, helga." "you showed great devotion by assisting with my escape." "here." "what is this, herr flick?" "it is the gestapo certificate of special merit." "see, your name is at the top, my signature is at the bottom." "the waxed seal is still hot." "it is not only a great honor, but with it, you can get into the cinema free, before 5:00." "what can i say?" "you can show your appreciation and gratitude by first releasing your hair." "now, you may put your arms around me, and kiss me until you are giddy with ecstasy." "oh, thank you, herr flick." "you are reaching the ecstasy point very quickly these days." "it comes with practice." "now pay attention." "before i was imprisoned, i overheard the colonel and general von klinkerhoffen plotting to blow up the fuhrer, when he visits the chateau to celebrate his birthday." "i find this impossible to believe, herr flick." "von smallhausen heard it with his very own ears, and relayed it to me." "lieutenant gruber is to do the blowing up." "we must be on the alert." "you will report to me all conversations between these guilty parties." "as soon as i have enough evidence, i will arrest them." "it is frightening to have so much power." "yes, isn't it?" "now, it is my turn to go giddy." "( glass shatters )" "madame edith, i bring you flowers." "oh, monsieur alphonse, you should not." "always when i bring you flowers, it is with the same message, i love you." "what news of rene?" "he is on a desperate mission, he has not come back." "oh. well, should he not return, i wish you to know, that i would consider it an honor to continue where he left off." "monsieur alphonse, he left off when hitler was halfway down the polish corridor." "edith, michelle is in the back room." "she wishes to talk to you." "oh very well." "mimi!" "i love you, i love you." "( edith shrieks )" "i have good news, rene is safe, and has been seen in the town." "he has the luck of old nick." "i have here the spy camera with which you are to photograph the safe in the chateau." "have you arranged to steal the film?" "i have invited the colonel to take photographs of me tonight in my underwear." "i will steal the film from the colonel's camera, while yvette is distracting him with the flying helmet and wet celery." "these poor girls, what they do for france." "they get paid." "how much?" "2,000 francs." "it is good value for money." "( knocking ) it is rene!" "...hitting window." "oh, let me help you." "my poor brave rene!" "thank god he is safe." "the bravest transvestite in all of france." "we were worried." "you have been away for so long." "the girls from the typing pool invited me for a drink." "i have here the spy camera." "it is disguised as a large potato, it works so-- i split it in two, to reveal the camera." "why disguise it as a potato?" "because you do not get carrots that big." "when next they order food from the chateau, you will deliver it." "you will find the room containing the safe." "photograph it and deliver the film to monsieur alphonse." "i have, in my mortuary, many fluids which skillfully blended, can develop the film." "i must go now." "you know what to do." "oh, rene, it is so good that you are safe and back with us again." "but you are looking pale." "well, i had to take my makeup off." "rene, night after night, i dream that you come to my room." "you hold me in your arms, you kiss me, you make wild abandoned love to me." "when are we gonna be together?" "with dreams like that, you hardly need me." "do you know, we have not even kissed yet?" "well, it is very difficult, mimi, with yvette in there, my wife out there, me up here, you down there." "just a quick one?" "oh, very well." "rene!" "why is that girl crawling all over you?" "you stupid woman!" "she jumped into my arms because she saw a mouse!" "it is your job to set the traps." "can i trust you with nothing?" "oh, i am sorry." "there is so much to do." "excuses, excuses." "do not let it happen again." "good moaning." "good moaning." "i am existed." "any chance of a cap of ciffee?" "mimi, coffee for this british idiot, who thinks he can speak french." "i have for you, good nose." "what is your nose?" "in my bog, i have a cack." "ah... he has a cake in his bag." "it weighs a tin." "this cack contains a powerful bittery for the roodio." "two of the kindles are the terminals." "one is pliss, the other is moaniss." "can you gas watch is watch?" "which is which?" "yes, well, i suppose it is very well done, but i think that this is one terminal, and the other one is this one." "no, that is the win." "may i have the spoon to steer my ciffee?" "oh." "it is cleverly done." "( electricity crackles )" "you idiot, mimi!" "you could have killed him!" "you have raised a limp on my hod." "look, get out of here, and take this cack with you." "i shall put it in the roodio under your wife's mither's bod, and then i can collect my burcycle." "use the back passage." "that man will be the death of us." "i can still feel the static in my whalebone corsets." "here, go and earth yourself." "♪ he can come home ♪" "♪ as late as can be ♪" "♪ home without him ♪" "♪ is no place for me ♪" "♪ can't help ♪" "♪ loving that man ♪" "♪ of mine. ♪ rene:" "ah, colonel, welcome, welcome." "you have just missed lieutenant gruber singing." "oh, never mind, colonel." "it is my turn next." "a table for two, colonel?" "no, rene." "helga's got a very important date." "she has been invited by general von klinkerhoffen." "general von klinkerhoffen coming here?" "!" "oh, what an honor." "edith, a table by the window for helga and the general." "but it is occupied." "no, it is not." "get out!" "sit down, helga." "this way, please, come and sit down." "oh, uh... let-- let me help you with that heavy camera." "d-- does it have a film in it?" "yes, a new one." "when will yvette be ready for me?" "in a few moments, colonel." "mimi, take care of the colonel's camera." "i will see no harm comes to it." "ah!" "good evening, herr flick." "oh my god!" "there is no reason to cease your jollification, just because a senior gestapo officer in a particularly foul mood is entering your premises." "play on!" "so, there you are." "what kind of a funny old game is this?" "i have two tickets for a film featuring herr stanley laurel and herr oliver hardy, and i am left waiting in the foyer holding a bag of chocolate fudge." "i'm sorry, herr flick." "i have been ordered by general von klinkerhoffen to be his companion for the evening." "you will learn, helga, that nobody stands up the gestapo." "please go away, herr flick." "i shall not go away." "i suspect that the general is involved in a plot to assassinate the fuhrer." "this is a very common fault with our generals." "i am arresting you." "you will come away with me for interrogation." "oh, herr flick." "you see this bulge under my coat?" "do you know what it is?" "a gun?" "correct. stand up!" "quick, march!" "helga, where are you going?" "she is coming back to my place to be interrogated at length." "yvette, yvette, we have got the film." "take the colonel upstairs now." "and do not be long!" "are you ready, colonel?" "ready?" "i'm obsessed." "here is your camera." "i do not wish the troops to know that i am going upstairs with you." "i am a colonel, you know?" "i will go first." "i will follow you, casually." "( whistling )" "( cheering ) lieutenant gruber, another song." "everybody, enjoy yourselves, come." "♪ if you ever get across the sea to england ♪ all:" "♪ england ♪" "♪ then maybe at the closing of the day ♪ all:" "♪ of the day ♪" "♪ the bars will all be serving german lager ♪" "♪ which means we've won the war ♪" "♪ hip hip hooray!" "♪ all:" "♪ hip hip hooray!" "♪ general erich von klinkerhoffen, iron cross and bar, hero of the russian front." "hell hitler." " ( tray clangs ) - hell hitler." "relax, i'm off duty." "gruber:" "good evening, general." "ah, so this is the place where all the action is." "where is my companion?" "unfortunately, she left with herr flick." " what?" " it was against her will." "again this man thwarts me." "the sooner he is pushing up the daises, the better." "i am most sorry, general." "well, it is not your fault." "but i will not have my evening ruined." "find me a girl and some wine." "rene, the general needs wine." "ah." "also, he would like a woman to sit with him." "i will sit with him." "in the top of my stocking is a dagger." "i will engage him in conversation, in a low voice." "when he leans forward to hear me, i will plunge the dagger between the third and fourth ribs." "he will die instantly." "look, mimi, i realize that you are trying to prove yourself with the resistance, but this is neither the time nor the place." "a man of his rank needs more sophisticated women." "i shall go." "good evening, general." "i understand you fancy a little sophisticated company to while away a leisurely hour?" "( pops )" "a man like you should always have at his side, a beautiful woman." "i agree." "but sometimes the roulette wheel of life throws up the odd zero." "of course, i do not sit with ordinary soldiers, although they crave my company." "well, it is wartime." "men a long way from home get very desperate." "are you very desperate, general?" "not yet." "you, over here!" "yes." "yes, general?" "it's very old and flat." "really?" "it is one of our best vintages." "not the wine, the woman!" "have i not seen a better-looking girl around here?" "she is busy upstairs." "nobody is too busy for a general!" "is it too droopy?" "we will have just one more." "this time, i will hold the celery." "( yvette laughs ) come along, colonel!" "keep still." "empty!" "( giggling )" "( laughing stops ) general von klinkerhoffen!" "colonel von strohm!" "what can i say?" "pick up your clothes and get out of here!" "yes, general!" "you may leave the helmet and the goggles." "the chicken, the salad and the cheese." "where have you been?" "this food should have been at the chateau 10 minutes ago." "i will take you all there." "i have waiting outside my small hearse, with the small horse." "the flag is now down." "( bell rings ) the girls will help you with the hampers." "michelle:" "here is your camera." "the film has been cut down and loaded." "here is the plan of the chateau." "we think that the safe is in a room on the first floor." "now, deliver the food to the kitchen, go to the room quickly, photograph the safe, and run like hell." "well, the last bit will be easy." "what do i do if i get caught?" "say you have lost your way." "how do i explain this?" "say you are on your way to a "bring your own potato" party." "now, quickly, you must go!" "there has been a message on the wireless." "the r.a.f. are going to bomb the german troops tonight, here in nouvion." "that is wonderful news!" "wonderful news?" "are you out of your mind?" "what happens if they hit my cafe?" "we are not insured against the r.a.f., you know?" "you go back." "go back and tell them to steer clear of my cafe." "i will shine a torch up the chimney or something." "you should be proud to be bombed by the r.a.f.!" "quickly, you must go." "quick monsieur, before the r.a.f. drop one." "oh!" "guard:" "what are you doing?" "uh, food, for the kitchens." "straight down the corridor." "that is the way to the room with the safe." "good luck." "thank you." "and rene?" " yes?" " be careful." "safe, safe, safe..." "( knickknacks fall )" " who is there?" " ( gasp ) rene?" "!" "what a surprise." "i was delivering food." "i lost my way." "there are many passages." "it is most confusing." "i am very sorry." "i will be going." "no, no-- stay a while." "hand me my towel." "oh, yes." "thank you." "my slippers?" "bear with me a moment-- i will get my dressing gown." "i'm glad to see you're making yourself at home." "and what is this you are holding in your hand?" "oh, just an ordinary potato." " i was on my way to a-- - no, no." "give it to me." "we will roast it in front of the fire." "what?" "!" "no, no!" "hold that." "now, do you fancy a little schnapps?" "i do not fancy a little anything." "i really should not be here." "i must be getting back." "to think of all the times i have invited you here, and now you arrive by chance." "or did you?" "oh, no." "purely by chance." "i really should not be here." "it is probably against regulations." "don't worry, the walls are thick, the doors are stout." "why are you waving your potato about?" "well, it-- it is very heavy." "let us cut it in in half." " no, no!" " yes, i insist." "i have a knife here somewhere." "but, lieut" "( muted sirens ) an air-raid warning." "probably a false alarm." "no, no, it is the r.a.f." "they are due about this time." "i-- i-- i mean, uh-- they have not been for such a long time." "this wardrobe is solid oak." "we will be quite safe in here." "come inside." "rene, rene!" "no, it is your wardrobe." "i will take my chance in the cellar." "the safe!" "rene!" "where are you?" "just a little bit to your left." "( shutter clicking )" "( knocking ) i am only thinking of your safety!" "do not worry, lieutenant." "you have been more help than you will ever know!" "( theme music playing )"