"So tell us exactly what happened well we went over to my room yes and I took off my clothes ok And then I took his clothes off go on and then we did it how many times?" "I don't know, once maybe twice he was doing okay then what happened well then he told me he was broke and could" "I give him a break what'd you do next?" "Well I went over to the closet and I took out a sexual enhancement device" "And is this the device?" "Yeah that's it then what did you do?" "I'll show ya" "(music) every time I look out my window it hits me Los Angeles, the city of the angels" "I'd like to meet the sick son of a bitch that thought that one up he must've had one wicked sense of humor things had been relatively quiet until the middle of June I say relatively as in relative to any giant" "sewer that has 8 million rats scrurrying around looking for something to gnaw on now that's the kind of quiet that makes L.A." "the kind of place it is Anyway" "Around mid-June someone must have turned over a big rock because something weirder than the normal weird began chewing up the local citizenry and spitting little pieces all over Glitter City" "Where it started or exactly when I'm not sure I don't think the cops even know but on a warm night, not long enough ago to suit me, things were beginning to take shape somewhere on the other side of town and it wasn't gonna be a pretty picture" "The West Side Bar the kind of dark, quiet, sleazy place where dark, quiet, sleazy things happen on a regular basis every now and then, someone dies you from around here?" "Yeah where you from?" "Seattle just down here for a few weeks on a job me too what's your name, Seattle?" "Bo." "Bo Hansen Bo, Bo Hansen?" "What are you, a circus clown?" "Not Bobo, just Bo my name, smart ass." "Bo Hansen well look who got up on the wrong side of the construction site this morning what you need is some TFC to calm you down TFC?" "What the hell is TFC?" "It's Tender Fucking Care you big stiff you're a hooker, aren't you?" "Hey you moron I'm a lady any jerk can see that but I do, occasionally, provide services to release tension in our city's workforce a social worker of sorts" "God knows you could use some social work something got ya down, don't it baby?" "Yeah but I don't wanna talk about it why don't you let Momma Mercedes buy you a drink at her place it's cheaper there I doubt that" "Oh come on, Bo you could tell me how they sink those big girders in all that wet cement Mercedes, huh?" "Man I bet you're as expensive as a fuckin Mercedes Benz don't you worry about that for big studs like you I can arrange financing what do ya say?" "Ah fuck it, come on let's go this is your place?" "Yeah..." "Howard Hughes left it to me when he died haven't seen anything like this since I left" "Okinawa Ooh, a military man" "Drill Instructor now we're talking have a seat ya know, you construction workers really turn me on must be the way we... pound nails" "I'll bet you pound a bucket-full a day Sometimes you want some music?" "It's your party it's OUR party he really sends me yeah, nice real nice this music does something to me sometimes I get carried away want one?" "Oh, talk about stiff joints!" "Oh yeah relax baby, relax we don't want this to be over before we even get started, do we?" "I'm relaxing, I'm relaxing I've got just the thing to loosen you up now close your eyes and Mercedes will bring you a big surprise what are you doing?" "Just keep those eyes closed and leave the driving to us, big boy oh yeah oh yeah baby that's it oh drag me to heaven take me to heaven Your request is my demand!" "Oh no!" "Oh nooooo!" "(screaming) pieces started floating to the surface of the sewer around mid-June cops immediately thought a serial killer was at large well the M.O. was consistent, somebody liked a good chainsaw but murder's not usually my racket" "my name's Jack Chandler I find missing people, not pieces" "Once in a while, the two jobs overlap I'd been hired to find a runaway teenage beauty from Oxnard I was hired by the beauty's mother" "Seems the beauty's stepfather had been tucking her into bed a little too tight and she decided to split to the big city personally, I felt she couldn't be doing any worse than the deal she had at home As usual, I was 100% wrong" "Harrison at metro had a freaked out girl that matched that description of my runaway in custody the charge: makin McNuggets with a chainsaw" "I don't give a good God damn now you listen to me, put the gloves on, open the bag, that's right, and count 'em again" "Jackson, you're the coroner, if your stomach can't handle it, who's can?" "I don't care how many lunches you lose I wanna know how many victims are in that bag and I wanna know soon or I'll find another coroner!" "How's business, Mick?" "Chandler." "Just what I need today, a private dick in my face" "Come on Mick, let's have a little professional courtesy, huh?" "After all, we're both on the same side of the law" "Only because you haven't been caught, yet now you don't wanna believe all those things you read in those dime novels, do ya?" "Some of us are honest that's what this town's been needing for a long time, an honest dick I'll tell ya, I'm about as honest as any man on the force then you should be locked up" "what do you want, Jack?" "Looking for a girl name's Samantha Kelso goes by Sam sometimes I heard you had somebody down in lock up, looks just like her thought I might get lucky you mean the nut with the chainsaw?" "You get a name on her yet?" "Nah, the boys in interrogation screwed up big time they thought the sight of the murder weapon might shock her into spilling her guts only problem was they forgot to take the gas out of it and she spilled their guts instead she's a first class looney" "and we have no way of I.D.ing her so far can I see her?" "What the hell... why not?" "Have some men bring the Cuisinart queen in from lock up thanks, Mick no problem." "So, what's the story on this one?" "You know, typical runaway." "Daddy bounces her on the wrong knee one too many times, she goes searching for a new daddy town's full of 'em yeah?" "Daddies or runaways?" "Both." "And I thought I was burned out bring her in you can wait outside the door." "Yes sir sit down hello Hi well?" "Close, but no cigar what's your name, sweetheart?" "Lori, what's yours?" "Jack." "You from around here Lori?" "Uh-huh You ever been to Oxnard?" "No but I've been around the world a few times you ever seen this girl?" "What's the matter, chainsaw got your tongue?" "You guys are kinda cute both of ya say, how'd you two boys like to take a little trip with Lori, huh?" "All you gotta do is pick my lock forget it, psycho" "Officer Roberts, escort this freak back to lock up" "Oooh talk tough to me daddy, it turns me on get her outta here, now!" "Let's go see ya later, boys don't bet on it tough break, Chandler" "Nah, nah no sweat I'd have been worried if it was really her, that woulda been too easy yeah what?" "Sir, they just brought something in that you might want to take a look at, it's down at the lab Okay I'll head down that way" "Never ends." "I'll walk with ya yeah, ok set of keys, lip balm, mascara looks like, and uh what do ya got?" "The boys on the beat found this stuff on the sidewalk dog was playing with it let's see it this from uptown?" "No sir, they found it in West L.A. get some prints off those and run 'em through the computer yes sir let me know when you find the rest of 'em sir!" "There's something else in here, stuck to the bottom what is it?" "A matchbook no shit!" "Could it be a clue?" "Everything's a clue, son well, uh, see you around guys hey Harrison, wait for me No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't shake that girl Lori off my mind her face, her voice" "the way she looked at us it all kept bugging me, but it wasn't getting me any closer to finding Samantha Kelso neither was coming here, but it made me feel better this is where Sally lives, Sally's my girl," "sort of deep down I felt there was some connection between that chainsaw-happy chick and my missing girl" "I saw the look in her eyes when she saw Samantha's picture she knew her from somewhere and the cops had come up with another victim, or at least part of him maybe there was another killer out there" "just maybe Something told me to pinch the matches when" "I first saw them someone had scrawled a number inside the matches and a name, Mercedes had the guy been trying to buy a car and wound up in a used parts department himself?" "Sally was out like a light but the night was still young so I decided to get back to work being a dick is a 24-hour a day job where the fuck do you think you're going now?" "Sally woke up and had that longing look in her eye begged me not to leave, but I told her I had a dangerous job I had to go on and she understood, she wished me well, threw me a kiss" "what can I tell ya, the kid just loved me I told her I'd be real careful and I'd come back as soon as I could tears welled up in her eyes as I walked out the door meanwhile, across town" "are you Lisa?" "Yeah you Hermie Beamer?" "Just call me Herman yeah, alright okay Hermie, what do you got to drink around here?" "Is sour mash alright?" "It'll do for a start what's in the suitcase?" "24 inches of fun I beg your pardon?" "Toys, for big boys oh so tell me Hermie, what's on your beady little mind?" "Well, I um, would like to take some pictures nude that's doable it's not for me, for my business" "Hermie, you're not going to sell naked pictures of me on the street... no!" "I wouldn't do that this is for a calendar, advertising my product and what exactly is it that you sell?" "Baseball bats nude calendars for baseball bats... all the little leaguers just love 'em church groups do, too ok Hermie, it's your ballgame let's see if you can go the whole 9 innings hold it, hold it oh great!" "Oh great, bring back... oh hold it oh yes, that's perfect just hold that perfect oh that's really good why are you coming so close?" "I can't keep it in focus why are you coming so close?" "I can't do it if you come this close!" "Well Hermie, it looks like your calendar idea was ahead of it's time while Herman's evening may have been... cut short... mine was just getting started I came back to my office to dial the number" "on the matchbook it rang a long time, something deep inside me hoped there'd be no answer no such luck." "A woman picked up the phone she said she was selling, but not a car" "Mercedes was her name low miles, built for comfort not speed" "I played it cool and agreed to meet her at the West Side for a drink after I hung up I began to wonder if the finger prints on the matchbook would turn out to be hers another death by dismemberment in the news" "tonight, this brings the total up to 5 over the last 2 weeks" "Detective Harrison of the metro division made a statement this afternoon attributing the most recent death to an accident the guy was just cleaning his chainsaw when it went off yeah sure, maybe it was a suicide" "I didn't believe Harrison's theory any more than the d.j. did, but I understood it" "I knew what the police statement was all about it was just a little fairy tale to help the kids sleep at night at the time I was a lot more concerned about meeting this mysterious dame alone than what the radio had to say about the chainsaw killer" "if I was on the trail of one of these psychos, I wanted to make sure I didn't end up in a paper bag like the last guy who lit these matches who knows, maybe I'd get lucky and the dame could lead me to Samantha Kelso and I could" "wrap up the case nice and clean and pay last month's rent little Jack lucky that's what they called me yeah... sure..." "it didn't look like my date had arrived yet," "I wasn't quite sure who I was looking for all Mercedes said was that her headlights were great I decided to get a drink and bug the bar hop a little What'll it be, pal?" "Bourbon, with a bourbon chaser think I'll have to write that down" "I decided to flash the missing girl's picture around while I waited first I showed him Samantha Kelso's photo then I showed him a picture of a chainsaw" "I'd torn out of a magazine at Sally's place still nothing then I showed him how to make a shadow bunny on the wall nothing phased this guy I hope you haven't been waiting long no I... just got here you're uh..." "Mercedes oh, how'd you pick me out?" "You're the only man in here buy you a drink?" "Yeah, first let's get a table okay" "So, tell me, uh..." "Jack Jack, so tell me Jack how did you come by my number?" "An acquaintance of mine passed it on to me yeah, he said that he was very very happy with the headlights and upholstery Jack?" "Yeah I'm going to fuck your brains out" "I didn't like the sound of that Well I'll get the drinks oh, don't bother this one's on me besides, I know the bartender personally he might get mad if I don't come by to say" "hello oh yeah, he's a real social kind of guy" "Mercedes certainly seemed to have her engine racing but that didn't make her guilty of murder, if that was the case the whole town would be in trouble of course that didn't rule her out, either" "I looked over at the little number on the stage she was shaking it pretty good, even if no one was watching you could've knocked me over with a pubic hair there she was, Samantha Kelso humping it out on that little stage for anyone" "who could stick a buck down her pants maybe my luck had started to change" "I checked the photo to make sure it was her all right." "A little slinkier and a little more seasoned than when the picture was taken, but then city life will do that to a dish like her warning bells started going off in my head so I decided to put in a call to Harrison if there were going to be fireworks, I wanted" "to make sure my friends in blue were invited to the party" "Hello Metro?" "You have reached the metropolitan police homicide division." "All operators are currently busy." "Please hold." "Your call will be answered in the order it was received." "If you have committed a recent homicide, please stay on the line." "We want very much to hear from you." "If you are currently in fear of becoming a homicide in the next few minutes, you may want to hang up and dial 911 for immediate service" "Thank you Damn answering machines!" "I didn't have time to wait for the metro boys to get around to my call my date was back I'm sorry, I had to go wash up it's kind of a rough day well, let's hope that your evening goes a" "little smoother yeah, let's hope are you looking for someone, Jack?" "Hmm?" "It's not nice to make your date jealous oh I'm sorry, just this habit I have." "I'm sort of a people watcher well, I like to participate more than spectate well, different strokes for different folks, that's what makes a superbowl what's that you're driking, anyway?" "It's a Screaming Orgasm somehow I knew it would be..." "I just love intelligent men yeah, I'm kind of an... noticing that you're kind of... you're..." "I'm a real scream once you get to know me Oh yeah, little Jack lucky, that's what they should call me alright I've got more luck than anyone should have a right to unfortunately, it's all bad" "oh well, I guess I should've been looking at the glass instead of the ass, that'll teach me Yeah, sure it will if my head wasn't hurting so much I'd have sworn I was in heaven" "heaven for guys who liked big tits but my head was hurting, and I wasn't in heaven" "I wasn't even close don't say a thing lie back, be still you've been through a terrible ordeal what happened?" "On my way home tonight I found you in the gutter I thought you were dead well I guess I'm lucky you bumped over me, huh?" "Lot of people wouldn't have had the nerve to do that" "I'm so glad you didn't die on me that would've been awful yeah... where am I exactly anyway?" "In my apartment do you remember what happened?" "I was in a bar with a beautiful girl having a drink, and all of a sudden lights out is that it?" "That's all I remember." "Sorry it's not a very exciting story well, I was looking through your wallet for a little identification you're a detective private eye, I trace missing persons mostly that must be very exciting oh yeah, it's a barrel of laughs I thought you might be chasing after some" "murderers or kidnappers or something no nothing that spectacular, just a teenage runaway somewhere along the line I must've slipped on a piece of shit and landed in here with you why don't you call the police?" "Well I tried, couldn't get through oh I'm so glad Jack because I have you all to myself now for a moment there I thought I was paralyzed, then I noticed, my hands and feet were tied sister, what's with the bondage routine here" "I just didn't want you running away before I could get to know you better well that was it I'd been played for a 14 karat gold plated goof one more time if there was an award for suckers given out" "annually I'd have to buy a bigger mantle piece now girls, girls, ordinarily this would be a real picnic for me but see, I've been seeing this other lady recently we're sort of going steady you know, so somehow" "I don't feel right about this how dare you act like a pack of wild animals in my presence we didn't hear you come in we were just preparing him no kidding." "Get out till I call for you" "Well I'm sure lucky you showed up when you did don't be so sure Ilsa now now honey not in front of the guest you don't have to do that, I took a bath only yesterday whoa!" "We're very honored to have you here, Mr. Chandler cut it out, cut it out let me rephrase that..." "ahhh!" "Please Mr. Chandler, think of the neighbors they're trying to sleep very good work Ilsa there, I think that's clean enough you see, you've stumbled on us at a very bad time Jack bad for you, that is better?" "That's the biggest bra I ever tasted you're an amusing fellow it's a shame we won't have more time to chat oh yeah?" "I got plenty of time, I don't have another appointment till noon tomorrow" "I'm afraid you'll have to cancel that, you'll be otherwise engaged at that time" "I suppose you are wondering what's going on huh, no, seems typical to me but I will admit that the sight of that chainsaw on the nightstand has my curiosity piqued it's a very important part of our religion oh.. sort of a means to an end, so to speak" "much more than that it is the cosmic link by which all things are united oh really?" "See I would've thought it was the other way around doesn't seem like you kids have been doing much uniting of anything around here lately" "Just what is it you think we have been doing?" "The way I see it, you guys have got this black market body part transplant business where you take the arms and legs of young studs and you give 'em to rich old fucks who can't hack it anymore you know, sort of a love "em and cleave 'em"" "racket with a little quality control department on the side the girls?" "Yeah yeah these high powered vacuum pumps with tits an imaginative theory, but you're way off the mark these women are actually my minions, my disciples oh yeah?" "What are you, the high priest kind of character or somethin?" "What is this, some ancient chainsaw worshiping cult?" "Actually, that"s just what it is oh yeah?" "What do you do, pray to Black  Decker?" "Our religion has it's roots in the Egypt of my ancestors come on, they didn't have chainsaws back then but there were the chainsaws of the gods there are many things that modern man has failed to understand" "our cult needs sacrifices, human sacrifices, frequently the blade of the saw purifies the evil flesh and makes it holy to please our god and this is that big night for you huh?" "That really special sacrifice when you get the chance to live for another hundred years or so, right?" "How do you know this?" "I read about it in the Enquirer so what are you gonna do now?" "You gonna hack us up right here?" "Nothing so archaic Mr. Chandler." "We're gonna take you to our temple downtown Makes for a much nicer ceremony" "Well a lot can happen between here and Chop City, big fella perhaps you're right, better cut him up now No wait!" "Buddy!" "It was just a joke." "I really wouldn't do that, actually I'd probably enjoy being in the ceremony you know?" "Come to think of it, I haven't been to church in weeks maybe I'd learn something little late for that we can't trust you to behave yourself you're making a big mistake here now" "I bet your god would get off on a heathen soul like mine don't you worry about that This isn't an official ceremony, he will know what are we supposed to do?" "All right!" "Let's get to it!" "Don't we get to (moaning) first?" "Nah, it's almost time for Letterman hey wait a minute... hey I thought you said you were going to fuck my brains out oh I was!" "But this is much faster!" "Hey kid!" "How about helping me out, huh?" "You're the reason I got into this mess all I was trying to do was deliver a message from your mother I wasn't planning on turning into a deli platter is this absolutely necessary?" "I mean don't they have hors d'oeuvres back at the temple?" "Time to say goodnight!" "Damn!" "We're out of gas you idiot!" "I told you to stop at Texaco on the way here well, come on there's a mini mart right down the street ok" "Samantha, you stay here and watch this guy ok hey pick me up a slushie while you're at it, will ya?" "Cherry, if they've got it you're not gonna let 'em use that oversize veg-o-matic on me, are ya?" "Untie me and I'll take you home to mom I don't want to go home it's ok, she kicked out your stepfather, he's not gonna bother you anymore mom kicked Mike out of the house?" "You seem upset, I thought that'd be good news no, I kinda liked Mike I thought he was the reason that you..." "Shhh!" "We can't talk now listen up, those sickos killed a friend of mine up in Oxnard she told me all about them before she disappeared she was hanging out with them and everything was nice and innocent just some religious freakiness but then they found her head in a garbage" "can and I knew what had happened so I followed this freak and his whores down to L.A. to infiltrate their group so I could get revenge on these fuckers I didn't want my mom to know what I was doing" "I figured she'd try to ground me or something but I didn't know she'd blame it on Mike" "I didn't think you had time to talk!" "We don't, we don't have time to talk but not if you wanna save your scalp ok kid, you're the boss what's next?" "You get the hell out of here" "I'm not leaving you now I can't go with you, they're taking me to the temple tonight to be the prime sacrifice somehow I don't think mom would like that too much I have no intentions of being chopped up," "I'm gonna burn that temple over those fuckers' heads you got a lot of guts for a little girl great dancer, too thanks!" "The only thing is, you're not thinking clearly see, cause the minute those chainsaw chicks get back and see that you let me go they're gonna start hacking into you real good" "I can take care of myself listen sister, your mother paid me to come and get you and bring you back in one piece and I'm not leaving here without you you talk pretty tough when you're untied don't make me use force, kid" "I said I'm staying!" "It took a while, but I finally found my car stashed on the side of the motel keys in it and everything guess I'm lucky it wasn't stolen well I'd found Samantha Kelso but she'd led me to something even bigger I'd stumbled into the middle of an evil, insidious" "cult of chainsaw worshiping maniacs I had to wonder if we'd let our religious freedom go too far in this country or maybe our immigration laws were just too lax I've never been much for politics, but I kept" "thinking about that pretty girl's warm head on my lap and then I wondered how many other pretty girls would never be able to put their heads on my lap because they'd been cut off by that refugee from the BTL club and his slice-happy" "sluts I started to get mad my first instinct was to go straight to the cops but that was all the way across town, and there was no guarantee they were gonna believe me So I decided to stop by my office and pick" "up some supplies I decided to call Harrison at home even though he made me promise never to do that I just didn't feel like listening to the homo squad's answering machine again You've reached the home of homicide detective" "Mick Harrison, I'm not here at the moment but you might be able to reach me at the metro homicide division if you care to leave a message, wait for the beep unless you're Jack Chandler, in which case" "you can hang up Jack I told you a hundred times not to call me at home!" "Yeah Harrison this is Jack Chandler, I know I'm not supposed to call you at home but this is really, really important I just found out your chainsaw killer is not working alone there's a whole pack of 'em and they're being" "led by some crazed chainsaw worshiping priest I'll fill you in on the details later, alright?" "Look, meanwhile get down to the Purdone lane area they've got some kind of warehouse there they've turned into a sacrificial temple they're gonna have a big party tonight and we're all invited" "Oh and Mick, bring your own beer oh god, what happened?" "Where are we?" "We're in my office pretty neat place, huh?" "Yeah..." "god the sacrifice will begin soon, we gotta get to the temple no no, just stay right here." "You're in no condition to go anywhere I feel like I've been hit with a brick" "Yeah sorry I had to cold cock you like that that's okay, you did what you had to do you know maybe you could make up for it..." "wait wait wait a minute.. ohhh how old are you kid?" "21 Yeah?" "You got any proof of I.D.?" "I left it at home private dick, huh?" "I shoulda known better, there's no such thing in Hollywood who was that?" "Well that was Sally She was my girl, sort of" "Sorry it's alright" "You mean to tell me your mother had no idea why you left?" "I guess not well, I told you I liked Mike, and I didn't mind the fact that he liked me back except for my mom, I felt kinda bad for her of course Oh yeah, of course" "but it was really a bitch that she got the wrong idea and kicked Mike out well from where I'm sitting, I think Mike could've used some kicking yeah I think you're right it was crummy the way he treated her" "he should've respected her oh yeah, like you did what?" "C'mon, you're a swell kid, you oughtta be skipping rope in some school yard right now instead of on this wild goose chase this is dangerous you know are you afraid?" "Afraid?" "Ha." "Let me tell you something sister I've been shot, almost, 5 times" "I didn't tell you how they found my friend in that trash can, did I?" "In fact a couple times I was almost stabbed besides being chainsawed, five times they had taken skin and torn it along her jaws taken her eyes and gouged them till they hit her chin all the skin on her mouth was cut and looked like she was laughing" "but she really wasn't shut up, will ya!" "Don't you wanna hear the worst part?" "No!" "That kid talked like a frosted flake but she had the nicest set of knockers that I'd seen in a long time don't you have any idea what this place looks like?" "They never told me." "I don't know, I think it has something to do with importing and exporting" "Oh yeah, the old in out routine Jeez, you wish they'd have some kind of a sign Look, there!" "This could be it..." "wow!" "Listen, you sure you want to get involved in this?" "You wouldn't believe the things I've done to get this far" "C'mon, let's check this place out, quietly gotcha" "Gotta be some good way into this place, we just gotta keep looking" "I am right behind you Jack?" "Yeah?" "I'm scared listen kid, this is no time to start thinking about some 3-foot long chainsaw slicing up your midsection besides, I got a gun right here and they don't even know we're here nobody heard that alright, one lousy guy" "things aren't working out exactly the way I planned at least we're together yeah, let's hope we can keep it that way shut up!" "I am so sorry I got you involved in this you know, you're kinda cute even though you do talk funny thanks" "I think yeah you're kinda cute too especially those beautiful..." "ah thanks... girls!" "How's it hanging?" "We'll find out... soon enough have you ever considered therapy?" "I'm going to enjoy splattering you Hostile, very hostile but a great set of..." "Yeah, I know" "Samantha, how you disappointed the Master fuck off, slut now your true nature is revealed my how you deceived us you killed a good friend of mine, Jenny Lynn, remember?" "Jenny Lynn?" "Jenny Lynn!" "Oh yes, she was a snooty little bitch just like you and we had fun with her you're gonna pay for what you did!" "Sweet..." "what's that?" "You've been very naughty, Samantha, but our Master's going to give you one more chance to redeem yourself She's not a book of stamps!" "Shut your face, heathen." "She will redeem herself, to eternity oh come on!" "I'm sure you've been stuck by worse than that tonight and I hope you enjoyed your little piece because it will be your last and now it's your turn to be a piece, or should I say, pieces" "well I guess it all depends on the context Hey Sam you alright?" "What was in that needle?" "The blood of our ancestors what are you doing, where are you taking her?" "Don't worry, you'll be together again soon you're going to be our special guest tonight yeah, and our human sacrifice terrific so good of you to drop by Mr. Chandler you saved us the unpleasant task of having" "to go get you Well I'm glad I could be of some help you're going to make an excellent offering to our gods you know Ive been doing a lot of thinking about that lately, I've come to the conclusion" "that this building isn't zoned for human sacrifices you guys could get in a whole lot of trouble for doing this I think it's time somebody cut you down to size, Jack." "Oh Horace, great god of the heavens, look down upon us, your faithful servants unworthy in your eyes, let us praise your greatness this night, with our feast of the dead accept our humble offering, that we might" "live on to serve and praise you for years to come come forward, high priestess of Anubis come forth and serve thy master go forth, go to the faithful they may taste the blood of Anubis the blood is the life Tonight, oh Horace, we offer you a new disciple" "a fresh, untouched flower to adorn the crown of the gods we, your humble slaves, offer you the virgin dance of the double chainsaws" "Prepare to meet Anubis yeah well I'll just scurry on home and slip into my tux C'mon, step on it!" "I am Chief, I am!" "Can't you go any faster?" "You know Cheif, this is last year's model got bald tires, needs a tune-up god damn it, it would've been faster with my Volkswagen next time take your damn Volkswagen You know, when I was a kid I used to have" "the same problem with my old man's lawnmower he used to get the same expression on his face oh shut up!" "Hey, what's with Sam?" "She looks kinda distant ah, she's one with the gods yeah well that and a quart of oil will start your buzz saw in your hands you hold the chainsaw of the gods use it wisely kill him!" "Kill him!" "Now Sam, you're not still sore about that headbutt are ya?" "C'mon have a heart!" "Way to go!" "Talk about cutting it close!" "For a minute there I thought you were gonna turn me into chop suey Well I should have!" "Maybe my luck's changed at last this must be the place" "I think you're right chief go round them up, I'm gonna go look for Jack" "Chandler and you boys behave yourselves alright, let's catch as many as we can!" "Damn Chandler, what the hell happened?" "Glad you could make it, you're a little late what took you so long?" "Letterman was on, he had some pretty damn good guests how many times have I told ya, buy a VCR!" "You can tape those things crime rate in this town would probably go down 10% then they'd lay me off how'd you find us?" "Boys had their eye on this bunch for a long time now we thought they were just smuggling illegal artifacts but after your phone call, pieces all started to fall into place you always know what to say, Mick aren't you going to introduce me to your lady" "friend there?" "Yeah, Mick this is Samantha Kelso, girl I showed you the picture of" "Glad to meet you miss Kelso, you're even prettier than your photograph" "Hey Mick, you mind if I fill out the report tomorrow?" "I could use a little sack time sure Jack, you look like you need the rest" "Look they're gone!" "And that just about wraps it up for this case." "It sounds a lot more complicated than it really was hard to believe it all took place in a couple of measly nights back in June when somebody paid me a few bucks to find their missing daughter" "I thought I should put all this down on paper because they never did find the guy that called himself the Master I don't wanna appear paranoid or anything," "I just get a creepy feeling when I think about that guy." "I mean sure, I saw Sam give him an unscheduled appendectomy but something deep down inside tells me we haven't seen the last of him." "I hope I'm wrong Huh, I usually am." "This time I'd be glad to be wrong, but if I'm not and something happens to Sam or me" "I just thought there should be a record of what we went through maybe it can be of help to someone in the future who might run into another chainsaw cult I'm sure there are others." "Oh yeah, as for Sam, she's a big girl, her mother was happy when she heard Sam was safe and I needed a secretary, like a hole in the head but she's a nice kid so maybe I'll let her stay around a while" "besides, she's got a great set of tits."