"There she is, turning the world on with a smile." "Trevor, what are you doing here?" "I want to talk to you about something." "Don't you have a session today?" "I've been thinking." "I thought I heard something." "A hundred couples, one at a time, it's taking way too long." "Trevor, that is great." "Reality poking its head out for the first time." "Good for you." "You know what?" "I've got to think grander." "Start a new religion." "Oh, reality just saw its shadow." "Six more weeks of dementia." "Think about it." "Sun Young Moon marries off a hundred couples." "Right?" "Considers it an off day." "Well, you're forgetting that it took him a lifetime to establish himself as a religious leader." "But, I'm a God, I already have a head start." "Okay, poverty..." "Yeah." "....humility, celibacy...." "as your psychologist" "I have to tell you it's not your strong suit." "My religion's gonna be fun." "Cupidians will cruise through the airport with a small cup that says "Keg Fund"." ""Cupidians"?" "Hey, I'll need a high priestess." "A woman who embodies the unattainable, carnal archetype." "A glimpse of heaven for the pilgrims." "A nude for a stained glass." "Oh rats, here I've got this hoity-toity dinner party tonight, so-- hmm." "Yeah, well, who was asking?" "I only wanted to know if you could get me in touch with Courtney Love." "Did anyone see "Sunset and Vaughn" last night?" "No, sorry." "I don't watch TV." "He said self-importantly." "Oh, come on." "What's the point?" "All the shows are the same." "Not true, there are cops and there are doctors." "Ah, but they're all loveable." "Say a lead character jaywalks in the beginning of an episode." "They'll spend the rest of the show trying to redeem him." "Well, ah, what about Thurston Howell?" "The castaways would have been off the island seven or eight times if he hadn't done something greedy or self-serving." "They never redeemed him." "But this brings us back to something even more nefarious about television....." "Sunset and Vaughn." "It was a two-parter." "No one saw the other.... ...the negative way that television portrays the leisure classes." "It's true." "Jennings, you're with me on this one aren't you?" "Uh... you get together like this every month?" "Yeah, yeah." "We started doing this when we were merely grad students sharing leftovers, right?" "Instead of the powerful academicians sharing leftovers that we are today." "But hey, it's the University of Chicago." "U of C." "That reminds me of a joke." "How does the joke go, Jennings?" "Oh, uh, there's this little fellow who cleans up after the elephants in the circus, and someone asks him why he doesn't quit." "And-- and-- and?" "And he says, "What and leave show business?"." "What department are you in, Jennings?" "Linguistics." "Oh, uh, do your trick." "Oh, that's right." "You do tricks?" "Do Claire." "He's done the rest of us." "Yeah, he has?" "Well, okay." "Tell me, in your own words, the story of Little Red Riding Hood." "Look, lady, there's no Albert here." "Mm-hmm, that is the right number." "No, look.... who am I?" "I'm the god of love, why, want me to hook you up?" "Aren't you the tiger." "I'll tell you what passion kettle.... look, for the last time we are fresh out of Alberts." "Trevor, no!" "Give me the phone!" "But you know what?" "There is an Albert here, but he fell off the roof." "We're just squatting in his apartment until the Ganja runs out." "Give me the phone!" "....." "Mama?" "Oh, no." "I thought your name was Champ" "Damn it!" "That's a stage name." "You choose that name?" "Look, stage names, they say if you can't think of one you should pick the name of your first pet." "Nothing wrong with 'Albert'." "Well, obviously you didn't grow up black and overweight in America, then." "You don't know that." "Hey, hey, hey." "....which isn't an excuse for the wolf, but at least we understand his rage." "Viewed as the archetype of sexual aggression." "Make her stop..." "I think I have everything I need." "For?" "Your profile." "My what?" "You were raised in California." "It's a big state." "San Jose." "Jennings, you are amazing." "One of your parents is from the south." "The deep south." "You went to school in Los Angles;" "UCLA, probably, before coming to Chicago to do your graduate work at North Western." "Slacker!" "You got all that from Little Red Riding Hood?" "A semester at Oxford probably explains "Grandma's lovely cottage"." "Oh, my God." "Bye." "I'll see you later." "See you soon." "Bye, next time your house." "Thank You." "um, do you have a minute?" "Sure." "He honestly believes he's Cupid?" "Oh, he's convinced." "He says he's banished to" "Earth until he gets a hundred couples together." "And you think I can help?" "Well, we just can't figure out who he really is." "If I could find out where he's from, what--what happened to him." "I know I could help." "Are you sure he'd be willing to speak to me?" "Oh, we're not going to tell him what you're doing." "I know how I could get him to talk to you." "Are you single?" "I've got the Singles Group." "I say we get started." "Doctor, I am so sorry I'm late." "I wasn't sure that I'd be..." "Not a problem, you are doing me the favour, but we really, really have to hurry." "It is high time the piercing light of truth cuts through the dim veil of psycho-babble we wade through each week." "I want to see the hands of everyone who comes here not for the yackety-yak of the over-educated and under-sexed, but instead thought "fresh meat"." "All right?" "Tons and tons of fresh meat, you know." "Scoring here will be easier than Patrick Swayze at a strip mall." "Let me see your hands." "Yeah, buddy." "Oh, what a bunch of hypocrites." "Each and everyone of you." "Look at right here, perfect example." "Okay, look at the shoots of hot-ironed curled bangs that cascade tantalizingly down into the eyes." "Eyes, by the way, painted with no less care than the Sistine Chapel." "Total prep time--90 minutes." "Oh-ho." "You know who this is?" "Ahem, ladies...." "Nice to see you my man." "....do you have any idea who this gentleman is?" "This right here is the guy who pops his head out of the manhole cover just in time to look up your culottes." "He wants to know if fries go with that shake." "You can hear him bellowing from the Sears Tower, "Nice Rack!"." "But he's in disguise, you know?" "He's hosed himself down, and this is the first time he's worn a jacket that doesn't have his name stitched on it." "You want to know why?" "'Cause the boy's horny." "Smart money says that if you're here, you are too." "Let's call this what it really is." "This... is a pickup joint." "Dr. Allen?" "Uh, Claire." "Claire, Claire.... what you're asking me to do..." "Jennings, all you have to do is get up there and say you're looking for love, okay?" "He'll do the rest." "Right knee green." "Oh, hey Claire, we started without ya." "Oh, hey guys, sorry I'm late." "It's really time we get started." "That's nice." "Sorry." "Yeah." "Really people, we have a lot of work to do, so uh finish your drinks." "Well, generally speaking, Laurence, when a woman leaves something behind." "An earring or a purse, it's not the nesting sign most men assume it to be." "It could mean nothing more than she's forgetful." "It was her Grandmother's china." "Oh.... you may have a problem." "You know, we just have a few minutes but I do think that's enough to meet somebody new." "Jennings." "Hello." "My name is Jennings Crawford." "I teach at the University of Chicago." "I love my work and I have a nice town house." "I'm 35... and I'm a virgin." "This isn't something I'm comfortable admitting in front of a room full of people but suddenly I've realized that I could use the help, the support." "My colleagues have given up on me." "I think they reached a consensus that I'm gay and closeted." "You're not?" "Uh, no." "So, uh, maybe you have scars." "Like somewhere we can't see." "No." "There are other kinds of scars." "You've all heard stories, I'm sure, about people achieving greatness and attributing it to abstinence." "They re-channelled all their sexual energy into their work." "But lately...." "You must teach one hell of a class." "Nick." "No I mean it, man." "It's gotta be like beakers exploding." "Field trips...." "Okay, you know what?" "That's -- that's -- thank you." "I'm just saying..." "Nick!" "Let's hear him out." "Lately, my interest in my work has begun to fade, and as it's faded all the sexuality I've repressed has started to come to the surface." "For the first time in my life, I'm wishing there was someone there for me." "For the first time...." "I feel alone." "How long have you been feeling this way?" "Three years." "Ouch." "There's a formal faculty party at the end of the month." "Last year" "I swore to myself that I wouldn't go to another one without a date." "That was my resolution, but here I am another year older and no closer to finding anyone." "I guess what I'm saying is; can anyone help?" "Thank you." "I'll see you guys next week." "Jennings, uh, so--so all that, uh, everything you said was...." "Strange but true." "Wow, uh... god, I'm sorry." "Oh." "But, we'll, you know, we'll work it out." "Find someone that's right for you." "We'll have to deal with your intimacy issues." "And the party, the faculty party." "Oh, boom, that-- that's a snap." "Oh, you know, you're educated and attractive, and I'm gonna keep Trevor away from you." "Thanks, Claire, but I really don't mind helping you with your patient." "He's going to be waiting for you." "He's that determined?" "Yes." "Trust me." "Good luck." "Hey, buddy, say you wanna grab a beer?" "Yeah." "Come on." "You see anyone here you want to take a run at?" "A run?" "Anyone here look appetizing to you?" "How about her?" "Hi." "Super fantastic good taste." "For the rest of the evening, I want you to think of her as your prey." "So I guess that makes me the Big Bad Wolf." "That is correct, you are the Big Bad Wolf." "Listen Wolfy, if we play our cards right by the end of the evening," "I want her telling you what big assorted body parts you have, you know?" "Oh, no." " "Oh, professor, what a very big cranium you have."" ""Professor I enjoy the way..."" "So at what point do I huff and puff and blow her house down?" "That's excellent imagery." "Wrong fairy tale." "That's three little pigs." "Oh, that's right." "I always get them confused." "How does Little Red Riding Hood go?" "There's a lush in that back booth that's going to need a lift from our checkered friends." "I'll take care of him." "He does have a way with the customers." "Oh that boy is crazy." "He is a handful." "No, you're not hearing me, he's certifiable." "Last place he lived had padded walls." "I swear if I don't show up for work one of these days, you check my refrigerator for body parts." "He's harmless, you know that." "I'm talking about HIS body parts." "I swear" "I'm gonna snap and pull an Injun Joe." "Injun Joe?" ""One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest"." "You know the...the... ...with the pillow." "Injun Joe was "Tom Sawyer"." "The Native American stereotype you're searching for was known simply as "Chief"." "Him then." "And then the story's one nod to noir, you've got the woodsman who takes his axe..." "Slices open the wolf..." "...finds grandma still kicking." "The moral?" "Obvious." "If you're trying to get Little Red Riding Hood into the sack make sure there's no axe wielding maniac nearby." "So, what you're saying in regards to...." "No such thing as a shy wolf." "How did you find me?" "Lucky guess." "Uh, about taking over the meeting when I was, uh, late..." "Don't worry about it, least I could do." "Don't do it again." "Souvlaki?" "No." "Another thing." "Jennings Crawford is a friend of mine." "You must have a point." "Yes, look, the man is in his mid-thirties, he's lonely, he's lacking some basic social skills, he's...." "A virgin." "There's that, yes." "Your boy needs some serious help." "And that's exactly what I'm going to be giving him, so I...." "So?" "So, I think you should just stick to circling your personals there and let me help him." "Matchmaking, huh?" "I'll have to see your union card." "This is a special case." "I've got a lot of friends." "I think I could, you know..." "Frigid, elitist, sycophants..." "Women who I think would be right for him, Trevor." ""Right for him", what does that mean "right"?" "Right, right." "Common backgrounds, common interests, common goals." "I want to be set up by a woman who uses" ""common" three times to describe my dream date." "As opposed to uncommon, I don't know." "Tell you what." "While you're out there cross-referencing and charting I will be..." "Brewing love potions maybe?" "Ha, ha, love potion...." "I will be giving him the skills that he needs to survive." "Okay, which skills would these be?" "How to work it, all right?" "How to speed up the process." "I think Mercury's already on that." "Ha, ha, ha." "You take the high road, I'll take the low road and we'll see who gets to Scotland first." "Trevor, I'm not going to take part in some kind of twisted contest with you." "All right, then, you know what?" "You'll lose." "There's the good doctor." "You got a minute?" "Actually, I have a class to teach." "Hey, that's cool, I'll sit in." "Come on." "It's mostly attitude, you know?" "It's not what you say, it's how you say it." "I tell my students the same thing." "Do you mind if" "I record this?" "I may want to get it all down later." "No problem." "Okay, right there at 10 o'clock." "You see that?" "She's a luscious little snack pack." "Right?" "She's awfully..." "I don't know... young." "I think the word you're looking for there is impressionable." "No, she's, um, she's a student." "Excuse me." "Do you have a sec?" "My friend and I have a bet as to what flavour lip-gloss you're wearing." "I say it's strawberry, he's demanding that it's cherry." "Okay, what's my line?" "....." "Why don't you taste it for yourself." "Good work." "That is the line." "You're not really expecting me to go through with this, are you?" "Well, you can do whatever you want but if the spirit moves you, you know, you definitely have free will." "Uh, I want you to meet my friend, this is Professor 'Wolf'." "Crawford actually." "Uh-huh?" "Professor of....?" "Anatomy / Linguistics" "Linguistics / Anatomy" "I've got to get to class." "So, who can give me a theory of the evolution of language." "Ye!" " Oh, as in "Ye of little faith"." "No, as in "Ye old town tavern"." "It's always about beer with you, isn't it Steven?" "But the "ye" you're talking about, that's an evolution of an alphabet more than an evolution of language." "In that time the letter "Y" represented the "th"" "sound." "The pronunciation hasn't actually changed." "Yes?" "Didn't the absence of a class system in the American colonies result in a more homogenized dialect?" "Reading ahead Ms. White?" "I am impressed, but it's a flawed theory." "How so?" "Well, we most certainly do have a class system here, and it's most obvious in our accents and dialects." "Now, tell me, Ms. White, would you rather have your son marrying a woman who excuses herself so that she can freshen up or one who does the same to take a squat?" "All right now, let's turn to page forty-two in your text." "I don't care if it's been seasoned with powdered white rhino;" "I want ketchup." "Right, enjoy your trout in the Heinz sauce." "You know what?" "As cool and relaxed as you are in a classroom, that's how you got to be with a woman." "Easier said then done, in class I know all the lines." "Do you eat like that all the time?" "Yeah, I got a good metabolism." "If I ate like that, I would blow up...." "You gonna try one of my desserts professor?" "I, uh...." "What do you recommend?" "No one complains about my "death by chocolate"." "Guess they wouldn't." "I got that for you." " Thank you." "What's her story?" "She's not a student but she audits my classes, I have no idea why." "It's obvious buddy." "Damn it to hell!" "No, she's never acted..." "Listen, I'll tell you what." "Are you willing to do a little tutoring?" "Tutoring?" "Ya, tutor her, you know?" "You're a teacher you know all the lines." "I guess." "He wants to tutor me?" "Why?" "Totally selfish reasons." "He's a bachelor, you know." "Every night, fish sticks, Chimichangas, frozen fruit pies." "He wants me to cook for him?" "Yeah, he says his best meals are from here." "A meal a night and he tutors me, huh?" "Uhuh." "It's a hell of a bargain." "Yeah, probably worth it." "Totally worth it." "Even if it does mean spending another hour with one of those boring elitist windbags." "Hey." "What?" "You mind deciphering this for me?" "That is a note about your audition for" ""Sunset and Vaughn", two o'clock." "How'd it go?" "Well, I had a little problem, see?" "You did?" "What happened?" "I got the time wrong." "Why's that?" "To us mortals, this looks like an eleven." "Yeah?" "I hope you don't take this the wrong way, cause I got nothing but love for the mentally ill." "I wouldn't care if you thought you were the Ayatollah Khomeni if you picked up after yourself, paid your rent on time, and got me my messages!" "But, no, that's not the case." "And this was strike three, so as soon as you can find you another place... you're out." "The Ayatollah would suck as a roommate, just so you know." "Okay, so let me get this straight, he likes big band music, kites..." "He builds his own." "...and ping pong." "He played for the Harvard Club team." "So you can see why he's such a chick magnet." "So, what do you think I should look for in a woman for him?" "Respiration." "Are you sure he likes women?" "Yes?" "Angel hair pasta in a walnut chili ahia pesto." "For me?" "That was the deal." "Huh....uh, yes." "Thank you." "So, Kate..." "You know my name?" "Uh, what am I saying?" "Of course you don't." "Wake up Kate." "What can I help you with?" "I want to talk right." "There's no such thing as a right way to talk." "Oh, please, let's not kick this off with a lie." "I wanna sound smart, educated." "Why?" "Because the only places that will hire a chef that sound like this are on the interstate and they're open twenty-four hours." "All right." "Okay." "...well, he's handsome, he's smart, he's got a great job." "Jennings, Dr. Jennings Crawford." "Ah well, there's this one thing you should probably know, he's.... ...shy." "He's a virgin." "Carol, I'm sorry about.... hello?" "That's great." "Great, great, great." "You'd rather that poor man be lonely than" "I find him someone who could make him happy?" "I believe in truth in advertising." "No, you don't." " You're right, I don't." "Let me tell you why..." "I am not interested." "But you're well proportioned and that counts for something." ""Interested", not "interesting"." "And you smell good." "So, how are you doing?" "Any romantic prospects out on the lunatic fringe?" "Are you allowed to talk to me that way?" "Yes." " No." ""No", I'm not or "no" no romantic prospects?" "Yes." " What?" "I am not playing this game." "Not very well at least." "Fine you know what?" "You're the semantics Grand Champion." "You win." "Thank you." "Trevor, come here." "Come here." "Now." "What?" "You know what?" "I think I have some ribbons in here for you." "Would you like blue, red...." "There's no need to be patronizing." "Fine, then would you settle for a happy face sticker?" "Okay, you know what?" "The answer is "no"." "I thought I hooked the good doctor up with someone, but I was way off base." "So.... can I have my happy face?" ""R" is a letter, not a pit stop." "Let's try it again" " "Take the car to the bar."." "Take da car ta da bar." ""To", "to", "to"." "Same as after the number one." "I said "to"." "You said "ta", "ta da bar"." "Screw you, I said "to"." "Take da car, ta da bar." ""The", not "da"." "Let's try it again - "Take the car to the bar."." "You know what?" "This was a stupid idea!" "You have no clue how hard it is, it's like trying to learn a foreign language!" "And what's with the tape recorder, huh?" "You gonna play it for your esteemed colleagues?" "Get a good laugh out of it?" "Point me out in the dining hall and say "There she is, the one in da hairnet"." "I gawt a pretty good idear of what it's like." "Where'd that come from?" "South Boston." "Home Sweet Home." "You just changed da way you speak." "I grew up smaat in a paat of town where smaat got your butt kicked on a near daily basis." "I didn't exactly fit in, got all of thety-five miles away fo' college..." "Havaad." "My fest day there, my new roommate asked me if I could fix a leaky sink, he assumed I was a custodian." "So, what'd you do?" "I fixed the sink, but my point is..." "I didn't fit in any betta there." "But I decided" "I'd learn how to fit in." "I broke down the speech pattens of the rich kids around me." "Hardened my vowels, clipped my consonants." "It fascinated me how easy it was to change, change the way I spoke, change people's perception of me." "So Kate, if you really want to do this, I'm here to tell you it can be done." "Drachmas?" "U.S.?" "U.S. dollars only." "There's gotta be like some kind of virgin discount." "Buddy, I'm not buying that for a second." "Oh, no, not me, not me." "I got a buddy, needs a kick start." "You know what I'm saying?" "Right." "Me?" "I got so many notches on my belt I can barely keep my pants up." "What belt?" "..a Saint Judes fund-raiser that night?" "Well, that's too bad." "I mean good for them, you know?" "No, no, I understand, but I'm telling you it's your loss." "He's a great guy." "Okay, yeah, I'll see you later." "Bye-bye." "Hi, the guy at the music counter sent me down here." "He said you were the expert." "I found the 1939 radio broadcast of Glenn Miller but I was wondering if you have any of the earlier recordings?" "Uh, excuse me." "I'm Claire." "Did you mention Glenn Miller?" "Uh, yes." "Are you a fan?" "Hey there professor." "Cherry?" "Thanks, my favourite." "Thanks Nick." "Jennings, I just wanted to let you know that you have nothing to worry about." "I'm..... relieved?" "The party?" "The faculty party?" "Yeah-- yeah," "I've got a lead on the perfect girl for you." "Uh, still doing a little background checking, but so far so good." "I'll be there by the way." "Oh, really?" "Yeah, yeah, I'm Kevin's in-case-of-emergency-break-glass-date." "Hey, um, I was wondering." "Any breakthroughs on the Trevor front?" "Uh, that's an interesting case." "He doesn't....." "Hunt is still on." "Yeah, okay." "Hunt?" "What kind of hunt?" "You don't want to know." "Uh, actually-- actually I would like to know." "Oh, I'm sorry." "This is the joint you want to come to?" "Yeah, a friend of mine says this place really hops." "Yeah, well, you know, there are some places in" "Beirut that hop." "I just wouldn't imagine you....." "Jennings?" "What are you doing here?" "Come on, sit with us." "Look at you, Dr. Love." "Let me catch up with you." "Come on." "Maeve, and Donna, This is Jennings and uh, I don't know..." "Trevor." "Maeve, hello." "Donna." "How do you guys know each other?" "We got thrown out of the Pet Shop Boys." "Too rough hewn." "But it forced us to bond." "So, Maeve, Donna, listen." "I love the music of your people, I like to party, and I like to get down." "Which one of us?" "Both of you." "Come on, I'm Lucky Pierre, come on, everybody wins." "Come on, you little freak." "Have fun girls." "I'll have them home early, mom." "Watch out." "Maeve and Donna are the best, you know." "Our ten-year reunion was last summer, but we decided it would be too depressing to show up unmarried, childless, and barely employed." "Not that we would care, you know, but tongues would wag." "Anyway, so, we did one of those Club Med things." "A week in the Bahamas." "I think I'm still hungover." "So, that's why you missed all those classes last semester." "I assumed you had something against the diphthong." "Uh, you know how I sit in on your classes?" "I know that you work lunches at the faculty dining room every day except Friday." "Yeah, I, uh, I assist at a culinary class on Friday." "I know that it's you who loosens the salt shaker on Dean Wetland's table." "I know that you always wear black a day after a Bears loss." "How do you know...." "Kate O'Donnel, I knew your name long before the day you showed up in my office." "Love Doctor, how'd it go?" "Did you ask Kate to the faculty shindig?" "Did you say "shindig"?" "Shindig, blow-out, brouhaha, whatever." "Did you ask her?" "The shindig didn't come up." "Really?" "Didn't come up?" "So I guess at no point during you lengthy and intimate conversation did she say to you "Jennings, guess what, I'm clairvoyant, so I know all about this party that you're desperate to get a date for, and it's obvious that you" "and I like each other, so maybe you should just ask me." Did it ever come up, something like that?" "I think I could have taken the ball from there." "Monday is your deadline." "For what?" "You ask her or I will." "Yes." "An interview at La Poubelle?" "That's fantastic." "It's one of my favourite restaurants in Chicago." "I was saying that very thing at the club the other day." "Well, you should do something to celebrate it." "I thought I'd bathe my Weimaraners, hop in the Range Rover, buzz up to Barney's." "Then down to Champaign." "There's this liddle...." "Little." "Little bakery I know." "I heard it's an off-year for wheat." "Yes, but, the grain in Champaign grows mainly on the plain." "By Jove, I think she's got it." "Kate..." "Yes." "You know about the formal faculty party?" "Know it?" "I got to work it." "You have ta go ta that dull-fest, don't ya?" "At least I'm paid ta show up." "What about it?" "I" " I" " I- was wondering, I thought, maybe" " I" " I was wondering" "Uh, come in." "Hi, uh, is this a good time?" "I'm tutoring." " Oh." "But we were just about finished." "Oh, I'm sorry I didn't call first." "I was right over at the library." "Anyway, it doesn't even matter." "The point is everything is taken care of." "Taken care of?" "For the party." "Her name is Monique Matheson." "She's perfect." "Stanford product." "She can't wait to meet you." "Wow, Claire that's... great." "Come in." "We were never having a contest." "Would have been crass." "Exactly." "Unprofessional." "Without a doubt." "And you would have lost." "Would have lost?" "Mm-hmm." "No-- no, I just won, pal." "Won what?" "The contest we weren't having?" "Jennings is going to the faculty party with a wonderful woman." "Yes, he is." "A woman I set him up with." "You-- you set him up with?" " Mm-hmm." "Excuse me." "Hey Kate." "Hey hold on a sec." "Hey!" "Why did you deep six my boy?" "What?" "Why did you tell him "no"?" "What are you talking about?" "The way you were cooing all over...." "Hey!" "I will open your skull, believe it." "All right, the cooing was mutual." "The faculty formal thing, did he ask you?" "No." "He didn't." "No!" "I have to work that party." "I wouldn't worry about your friend." "I heard he's going." "And I heard it's with someone perfect." "No, no, he's going with you." "Hold on a second." "If he would have asked you would you have said "yes"?" "Uh...." "No time for pride, would you have said "yes"?" "Okay, Saturday night, we're gonna make this thing happen." "I gonna figure out a way, okay?" "Trust me." "...."Embittered Lady", "Caustic Paul" here." "E-16, bottom of the page." "I too think that piña collatas are for overweight, 75 SPF-caked tourists, although I do think it also applies to teenage girls whose parents are out of town for the weekend." "Good god almighty, I'm a fan of small packages." "And I do not fear hugs or fireplaces." "Hey, huggable fire boy." "...so give my voice mail a call when you get a minute, let's discuss, thanks." "Welcome home." "I appreciate the, uh, effort, but it's too late for that now." "Understood." "Uh, listen, they're having last minute call-backs for that "Sunset and Vaughn" part." "That's all well and good but what a call-back means is that they've seen and liked you once already." "I don't know about all that." "They just said they wanted to see you there." "When did they say that?" "When I went down and explained." "They were very understanding." "They were?" "Yes." "Show people, good people, people needing people." "Your audition is Saturday night." "Good luck." "That's too bad, I gotta work." "That's all right, I'll cov...er." "Saturday night?" "Saturday." "Saturday night." "....." "So, we're thinking the game is over, there's no time left on the clock." "Here I am this little freshman clarinet player, wandering out onto the field with the rest of the band." "And the next thing I know one of the" "Stanford players comes crashing into me." "As I'm falling backwards I see a Cal player running in for a touchdown." "I don't believe it, that was you?" "I've seen that play a hundred times on 'Sports Saturday'." ""Play of the Century"." "Basically I threw the key block for the opposing team." "Not to mention your linebacker had to have your clarinet surgically removed." "My hair used to be longer back...." "I'm not buying it, man." "Look, I'm thirty-six." "Trevor, he can come in." "All right but when Elliot Ness shows up with a battering ram, don't come crying to me." "When is Champ getting here?" "Twenty minutes ago." "What's your sign?" "Please enjoy the bumper cars across the street." "This is a no pouting zone." "Skedaddle, scoot, scootie, scootie." "Watch out for tummy ache." "Before that play I had only the vaguest idea of what football meant to American culture." "I mean, suddenly there were requests for interviews, marriage proposals from Cal fans." "Are we lepers?" "I mean have the hor'dovers been over here once?" "Um, excuse me." "Miss." "I think it's a substitute for war." "What, depriving us of humus?" "No, no, I mean really, think about football's upside." "It sates men's appetite for destruction." "Oh, well, I'm a man and I have no affinity for the sport." "No, no, no, they're tenured they don't need free food." "You have no affinity for the sport because you're a product of socio-economic factors." "How's that?" "Well, consider ancient Rome." "All right." "It wasn't the scholars or senators out there hacking each other up for the crowd's amusement." "But they were certainly spectators." "Though it's doubtful that they were wearing the" "Roman equivalent to giant cheese loafs on their heads." "True passion for sports, contests, violence; it comes from the working classes." "Excuse me, Miss." "Hi." "Would you say that in your neighbourhood, people generally get worked up over football?" "Oh, in my neighbourhood?" "Football's just an excuse to get drunk and fight." "I mean, that's when we're not out cruising the boulevard in our tripped up GTO's singing along to Springsteen songs." "Here, eat up, pal." "Did I say something?" "Probably, yeah." "Kate, hold on!" "Please stop, this is very difficult for me, Kate please wait." "Why?" "Why should I wait?" "'Cuz you're wicked awesome." "What else?" "You're smart, you're funny.... you got a hot bod." "Why, Professor, this is hardly the time or place." "Screw the time or place." "I somehow doubt the family would approve." "Then don't bring 'em." "We're going somewheres?" "Baby, we were born to run." "How'd it go, Albert?" "I got the part." "That's good." "They seemed very concerned about my mother." "Mentioned her transplant." "How is she doing?" "Water skiing this weekend as a matter of fact." "Resilient woman, your mom." "Oh." "Oh, hello." "Uh.. your buttons.." "Oh!" "Thanks!" "Hi, uh, I was" " I was over at the library returning some books, and I, uh, thought I'd stop by to see how things are going." "No complaints." "I guess not." "Hmm, uh, by the way I was meaning to ask you, uh, all the time you spent with Trevor, were you able to come to any determinations regarding his background?" "Do you know it was Trevor who arranged my meeting Kate?" "Uh, yeah, yeah, you mentioned that once or twice." "I mean he said that she needed tutoring and he told her" "I needed meals cooked." "Just funny how things work out." "Huh." "You know, even a state-- even a state may give me...." "He really thinks he's Cupid." "That's really priceless." "Illness is-- is more the, uh, accurate word, Dr. Crawford, but, um, ahem, so do you-- do you think you could help?" "I'm sorry Claire, in all the excitement I didn't have time to study his dialect." "Oh, uh, well, so when do you think...." "I doubt it will be anytime soon." "Oh... okay well... um, I'm" " I'm happy that you're happy." "Hey, I'll" " I'll see you at the next dinner party?" "Can't wait." "Okay." "Okay, Sherri, what I am hearing you say is that you're looking for a relationship that doesn't require any work." "Is that too much to ask?" "Hey, what happened to the virgin?" "Jennings is, uh, seeing a very nice woman." "Yeah, but is he, uh..." "Uh, things seem to be going very well." "Yes, because he followed my advice." "Your advice?" "Yes, he trusted his gut and he did not wait for Ms. Things-in-common." "Uh, that's exactly what he did do." "Name one thing they have in common." "Working class backgrounds." "Name two things." "You know, Trevor, you made the introduction why don't you give yourself a pat on the back." "Look at me." "Watch me pat myself" " I am" "Thank you." "Taking into consideration all the things you've learned at these sessions." "I haven't learned anything." "Name one thing I've..." "You know, you're sounding a little defensive." "Really?" "I was shooting more for pissed off." "You know what your problem is?" "Athena says I snore too much." "No, that's not it." "I've never head-butted a mime?" "Really?"