"# I'm not sick, but I'm not well" "# And I'm so hot" "# Cos I'm in hell. #" "Why are you buying cat food?" "It's Sophie and dips night." "Just cos it comes in a silver pouch, doesn't mean it's a dip, Jeremy." "Oh, my God!" "There she is." "Elena from the flats." "She's so gorgeous." "Right." "Yes, she is attractive." "Although, brown rice and Pop Tarts, camomile tea and economy vodka." "That's a car-crash of a shopping basket." "God, I really, really, really, really hope the baby's not mine." "The last thing I need is an infant cramping my style." "Me, too." "I guess it's 50/50." "What?" "Is it really 50/50?" "Or is it, in fact, much more likely that my guys will have won the sperm war?" " What?" " Mine are like soldiers of fortune." "The Scuba Squadron." "The Scuba Squadron?" "Yours are probably just glad of the practice..." ""Yay!" "We're out and we're not in the wank flannel."" "Mine are much more, "OK, guys, here we go again." ""This is the drop zone, you know the drill." Suave." "He actually thinks he has suave spermatozoa." "He characterises his sperms." "Right." "I'm going to make a move." "I'm off for a nice bit of Laser Commando." "I'll see you for the pain-fest later." "Right." "Laser Commando." "See you later." "What's he really doing?" "UKIP meeting?" "Gay sauna?" "Maiming farm animals?" "Don't ask, don't tell." "MARK:" "This is pretty desperate." "It doesn't feel right, being a laser commando in cords." "I thought there'd be jumpsuits." "There are jumpsuits on the website." "I suppose I'd better nail this motherfucker." "COMPUTER VOICE:" "You are hit." "Game over!" "Sorry!" "Maybe this is what it'll be like after the apocalypse, wandering around depressed, shooting children for fun?" "Dobby!" "I had no idea you came here!" "Every other Sunday when live-action role-play's off-season." " It's cool, isn't it?" " This is a nice surprise." "I haven't seen you for ages!" "Not since JLB closed." "I haven't exactly been in a cave playing gin rummy with Bin Laden and Salinger." "I know, I could have called." "I just wouldn't know what to say." "You could ask me out on a date." "Oh, too easy." "This is like shooting fish in a barrel." "The fish has shot itself." "That sounds great." "I'm on a whole dating trip right now." "I've gone date crazy." "Date here, date there." "What's this mad fish doing?" "Gerard's taking me to a Music Of Star Wars concert on Saturday." "I saw that advertised." "I didn't think you'd be into that." "A guy in a Yoda mask freaking out on the bassoon?" "What's not to like?" "!" "How about Friday?" "Dinner at mine?" "Sure." "Why not?" "OK." "MARK:" "You idiot, Gerard, Friday comes before Saturdayl" "A new boiler." "Surely the least enjoyable way to spend £ 1,000." "At least throwing the money out of the window, you'd see the scrabbling mass, the hate-filled faces." "I have spent a cool grand on acquiring the resumption of an equitable temperature." "Yeah, too right." "I'm freezing." "Let's whack it up to 29." "29 degrees!" "Are you insane?" "!" "I don't actually want it to be 29, but you've got to give it something to aim for." "It'll get hotter quicker." "No, it won't." "It's either on or off." "You set it, it achieves the correct temperature, it switches off." "Oh, sure." "You set it to 23, it'll be pootering along," ""Oh, yeah, 23, easy." "Nearly there."" "Wouldn't you rather, "Fuck!" "29?" "!" ""Christ, let's get cracking." "Got to generate some serious heat!"" "Then when it hits 23, we're suddenly all like..." "Click! "Sorry, already there."" "The boiler will be like, "What the fuck?" "!"" "You want to try to trick the boiler?" "(DOORBELL RINGS)" "Sophie." "That is your first glass of wine, isn't it?" "You haven't drunk all the "difficult conversation" wine?" "Hi, guys!" " Hi, Soph." " Hi, Soph." "Sorry I'm late." "I popped in to see my new dealer, Elena." "Elena, downstairs?" "She's a dealer?" "Yeah, she's lovely." "Oh, my God, that's it!" "That's my in." "That's our point of connection." "I don't know why you're sweating it, dude." "You should just ask her out, like I did with Dobby." "Mark, just because today was the first time you have ever, ever, ever successfully arranged a date with a woman does not suddenly make you Alfie." "OK?" "MARK:" "He's never dated." "He just ruts like a hog." "Sophie, can I just say?" "I know it's a heavy time for all of us and we all need to unwind, but... dope plus baby - doesn't that equal career in the Argos stockroom?" "It's for my brother, Mark." "Oh, right." "Sorry." "Anyway, the reason I wanted to see you both, and I hope you're gonna be OK with this, but..." "I think I want a paternity test before the birth, so we know." "Are you OK with that?" "JEREMY:" "Really hope it doesn't involve anything going up my knob." "Paternity test?" "I guess it would be interesting to know." "Great." "If I can get samples from you both tonight..." "JEREMY:" "Oh, Godl Wanking into a cup." "The dream(l)" "Yeah, here's the thing..." "It's against my moral philosophy to put anything up my knob." "That's just a line I will not cross." "This is to swab inside your cheek." "Of course." "Th-that's much more civilised." "Yeah, OK, I'm really not sure about this." "Why?" "I just don't want my barcode on the database." "I mean, the truth is, I have banged a lot of chicks." "That's just a matter of historical record." "I mean, he's a willing swabbee." "Leave me off-swab." "If the baby's not his, then it's mine." "If I done the crime, I'll do the time." "Well, there is a third possibility." "It might not be a boy or a girl?" "It could be something else?" "No." "Look, I was in a bit of a state, and I had a drunken thing at the same time as you two with Jeff." "Jeff?" "!" "Hey, our odds just dropped!" "You did it with Jeff?" "!" "Hey, come on." "Guys, we're all having a baby together and that's a terrifying and beautiful, and very, very terrifying thing, so..." "Come on, let's just keep this civil." "MARK:" "How did he get to be the grown-up?" "I paid for the dips." "Yeah, sure." "OK." "OK." "I agree and can I just point out the wide selection of dips?" "SOPHIE:" "Yeah, I'm fine for tzatziki." "Just give me some cheek lining and I'll be off." "MARK:" "Thanks, Science(l)" "In days gone by, they'd have had to wait to see what the kid looked like, by which time I'd have set sail for the colonies." "JEREMY:" "Oh, God." "Elena's front door." "Hi, I'm Jez, how's it hanging?" "(CASUAL) Hi, I'm Jez, how's it hanging?" "(MANLY) Hi, I'm Jez, how's it hanging?" "Hi, I'm Jez, how's it hang-ling?" " Hi." "Can I help you?" " Oh, my God, is she from Russia, or one of those other made-up countries?" "I thought it would be cool to..." "I'm a friend of Sophie's." "Would you like to come in for some lunch?" "Er..." "Yes, please." "I'm a vegetarian, but I eat chicken and fish and posh bacon." "So..." "No, sorry." "Lunch is my code word." "For drugs." "Oh, right." "Right." "I'm inl She'll never get rid of me now." "Lucky you caught me." "I was just going out to check out DILFs in the park." "Are they in flower already?" "I love nature..." "No, Dads I'd Like To Fuck." "They're so cute with their bad haircuts and buggies and old-skool trainers." "(SNIGGERS)" "She said fuckl If I say fuck, maybe we'll fuckl" "Yeah, I'm not much of a dealer, as you probably have noticed." "It's just a friend left the country in a hurry and left me a kilo of grass." "Oh, God, she's so beautiful." "My head's gone blank." "Come on, Jez, restart, reboot, vibe up." "Heart racing, hands shaky." "That's just..." "I get like that when I haven't had a smoke for a while." "I'm not a junkie, just excited." "I just love drugs!" "Where's my vibe?" "I" "Got to make a connection." "Compliment?" "Hm..." "Can I just say, great temperature?" "Sorry?" "I'm just saying, you've got a great temperature in here." "What are you on, out of interest?" " Um, I don't know." " Mind if I?" "Sure." "23." "Nice!" "Man, she has got one sweet temperature." "I hate this boiler." "It's too hot." "I can't date under these conditions!" "It's a great boiler." "It's just got a very idiosyncratic control panel." "It's like The Jesus And Mary Chain of central heating control systems." "Hard to get into initially, but then so much to explore." "Does Elena have to come over tonight?" "Yes, yes, she does." "I've been to hers twice a day all week." "I can't buy any more weed." "It's killing me." "Can't you go to the cinema or something?" "I don't want to date on top of you." "But it's not a date." "That's the whole point." "She's just coming for a smoke." "It's simply two very casual people who happen to have perfectly matching genitals." "Try and give me and Dobby some space." "I need space to operate." "Not a problem, kemo sabe." "We'll be in my room slipping effortlessly from getting high off her own supply to... (HUMS)" "What is that?" "Sexy time." "Making love from behind, then slapping the woman on the arse." "Since when did that become the international sign of a mutually loving sexual experience?" "We'll probably do that for a bit and then graduate to some backdoor action!" "Why do you insist on seeing the anus as some kind of human USB port just waiting to have all kinds of hardware plugged into it?" "JEREMY:" "Oh, my God, what is he wearing?" "He thinks when you're on a date you should look like Des Lynam." "Turn down!" "Turn down!" "Obey my commands, Orac!" "This manual is balls." "Can you turn it down?" "It's on 23 and ideally I want it no higher than 17." "Mark, women are coming." "We want to make the women hot." "No, you want it cold so they have to cuddle up to you for warmth." "Plus, frugality is very attractive in a man." "(DOORBELL RINGS)" "Oh, God." "Dobby!" "Is it cool to get some lunch?" "What are you talking about?" "It's 7.30." "What do you mean?" "We're here to see Jez... for some lunch." "Jeremy, there are some children here who want to have lunch with you." "Yep, cool." "Cheers." "Cheers." "What?" "Look, I've just bought so much I've got to offload it somewhere." "Just because I'm dealing a little bit of drugs does not make me a drug dealer." "Well, yes, it does." "Oh, God!" "Come, Mr Tali-ban, tally my bananas." "So this is cool." "Nice to get to know the neighbours." "I said hello to one guy in the hall but he was, like, really old." "There's an old woman as well." "Have you seen her?" "Got to get off the Neighbourhood Watch." "So, tell me," "Elena, what do you, like, do?" "I'm working part time as a legal secretary." "Human rights law, asylum seekers, torture victims, all that jazz." "But my real passion is music." "Oh, that is so great." "Oh, God, she's perfect." "A musician who devotes her life to helping losers." "I'm, like, grade eight violin and a bit of piano." "That's just so cool, cos I'm a musician, too." "What's your main instrument?" "Shitl I dabble, you know?" "I toot, I strum, I bongo." "Oh, I love drums." "Play me something." "That's not a bongo." "That's just a small table in the shape of a bongo." "Oh." "So when you're not bongo-ing, do you, like, work?" "Dangerl I was a male nurse for a while." "Why did you stop?" "Disgust at having to help people in need." "The white coats couldn't handle my whole Patch Adams approach." "I believe a person should be treated as a human being, not a mere set of steel pipes." "Oh, come on." "I've got to think of something impressive." "What the hell have I been doing all these years?" "Could be a Dad She'd Like to Fuck." "Only thing I've got in the locker." "Of course, the big news is actually that I'm going to be having a kid." "Are you in a relationship?" "Oh, no." "No, no, no, no." "No, no, no, no." "No, no, a million times no." "No, she's a friend and she was desperate." "And so I was all, like, yeah." "I'm a very strong feminist, so I believe women should have whatever mad thing they want." "That's so cute." "Cos I often think that children are our future." "Yeah." "And also, I'm just really into the whole man, baby thing." "You know, teaching them to tie things to other things." "And, you know, holding a baby in the palm of my hand whilst making an espresso." "You know?" "Yeah, Russian men are all probably infertile." "Thanks, Chernobyl." "Oh, look, he's hit it." "Do you think it'll go in the hole?" "MARK:" "Yeah, novelty golf date beats ironic sci-fi fun, Gerard." "Hard cheese." "And we've already had four whiskies." "So time for me to roll in my militarised divisions." "Makes it much less scary if I think about it like a war." "Mark, are you about to lunge?" "Is this pre-lunge?" "Sorry." "Should I have filled out a lunging application form and had it ratified by the FSA?" "Look, don't get me wrong, I like you." "But maybe let's not do anything tonight." "When the dust's settled with Gerard and my other dates, we'll see." "OK, that's fine." "Oh, my God, she likes me." "She just said it." "That's undeniable." "I can bank that." "I can put it on a blog so it's a matter of public record." "Oh, my God, this guy doesn't know a nine iron from a pitching wedge!" "Exactly." "Yeah, we're Roosevelt and Stalin." "Gerard's Churchill." "He thinks he's in there, but when the fucking starts and Europe gets carved up, Churchill has to leave." "Oh, shit." "No, Soph, cancel." "I'm cancelling you out of shame, like my subscription to White Dwarf." "Just the bank." "The sperm bank, where I bank my stupid sperm." "And my other passion is poetry." "Oh, wow, really?" "Cos I dabble." "Oh!" "Sure, I dabble - like da Vinci dabbled... in art." ""Fuck you, Bush." That sounds good." "Yeah, I wrote that some time ago, but it's still pretty savage." " Go on." " Really?" "OK." "Well..." ""Fuck you, Bush." "Fuck you, Bush!" ""It's time to get out of Iraq, Bush." ""What were you even doing there in the first place, Bush?" ""You didn't even get properly elected, Bush." ""Are you happy now, Bush?" ""Fuck you, Bush."" "Wow, I love the way the last line is the same as the first line." " Thanks, I did that on purpose." " (PHONE RINGS)" "Hello." "Hi, Jez, it's me, Soph." "The test result's come through." "Oh, has it?" "That's marvellous, marvellous news." "Excellent." "OK, then." "Yeah, so it seems weird to do it on the phone," " but I wanted to tell you right away." " Yeah, obviously, great, great." "JEREMY:" "Mark or Jeff." "Jeff, please, Jeff, or Mark." "SOPHIE:" "I couldn't get through to him, but I thought he'd want to know right away." "It's Mark's." "Yes!" "Well, that's great news, thanks for that." "Yes, yes, yes, yes!" " Who was that?" " That was Sophie." "The mother of my baby." "It's cute how excited you are about it." "What was the news?" "The news, the wonderful news is that everything's OK." "And it was just so great to hear that." "I like daily updates." "That's what I'm like." "Wow!" "That's so cool." "Yeah, a human life." "Another human life, and it's my responsibility, for ever." "(KNOCKING)" "Hi, sorry to interrupt, but I wondered if you could have a word with Hal and turn the heating down." "What's going on?" "He's just so happy about his baby." "Your baby?" "He just talked to Sophie." "Can we talk about this later?" "Yeah, sure, but there's news?" "What did she say?" "Whose is it?" "Well, it's mine, obviously, it's mine." "It's your baby?" "Why didn't..." "It's definitely your baby?" "That's right." " Why didn't you tell me straight away?" " I was just about to, straight away." "Oh, my God!" "Yeah, but we should talk." "Oh, of course we can talk." "I'm going to help you through this, man." " Shit, really?" " Yeah." "Oh, you beautiful, beautiful man!" "Sorry about all this." "Have a great evening." "MARK:" "I'm free." "I can do anything." "I can leave T-Mobile." "Mark?" "OK." "Everything is possible, Dobby." "The world is an oyster because we are young and free." "Let's just..." "Come on!" "I'm not having a baby." "You know what?" "Screw it." "If we wanna do it, shall we just do it?" "Why the hell not?" "What's stopping either of us?" "Nothing!" "Give me a minute." "God, I think there's no knot in my stomach." "For the first time in 25 years, I'm free of a creeping sense of dread." "I need to speak to you, Mark." "Can we do the whole emotional splurge later?" "I can tell you how it all might be a good thing and buck you up later." "Yeah." "Um, look... the thing is, contrary to what I said a few seconds ago, it is actually, definitely your baby." " I'm sorry, what?" " Sophie told me." "Yeah, and now do your joke." "What's the punch line?" "The results came." "Honestly, it's yours." "Then why the fuck did you tell me it was yours?" "Did you get mixed up?" "Did you misremember?" "Because I really think I would remember something like this." "Look, I know it sounds weird, but I told Elena I was having a baby." "Why?" "It was the only thing I could think of that made me sound like a proper person." "You total, fucking, shitting bastard!" "I know." "I know I am." "You must hate me." "Yes, yes, I do!" "I'm really sorry, dude." "Um... you can hit me, if you like, or, er... or even fork me." " I'm not going to fork you, Jeremy." " Fork my leg." "I do... quite want to, but no, too weird." "Well, you've got to fork something." "Fork my bag." "Your bag?" "Go on, stab my stuff." "Fork it to smithereens." "Yeah, that's it, go on, really go for it!" "My stupid, bloody, special date-dinner all stabbed to shit, just like I deserve." "Oh, nice one." "Equals-pequals." "We are not equals-pequals." "MARK:" "Bet he leaves that for me to wash up later." " Dobby?" " I'm in here." "Oh, God!" "Right." "Wow, you're..." "you're in there... already." "Cool." "Oh, God." "Have I got it wrong?" "I thought you wanted..." "Oh, God, yeah." "Yes... absolutely." "Yes, indeed." "Let's do this thing." "Focus, Corrigan, focus, just for the next bit" " Dobby now, baby later, Dobby now, baby later." "Oh, baby." "Had to be "baby"I Just don't think about it." "Just relax and focus on the lovely, enjoyable sex." "Lovely breasts, nipples, intended primarily for the feeding of babies." "Oh, fuckl" " Are you OK?" " Oh, yes, so fine." "Yeah, now I'm feeling it." "Yeah, lovely Dobby." "And you can get second-hand cots." "Everything doesn't have to be new." "Sexy times." "Definitely have the MMR." "Are you good?" "Er... yeah." "Um..." "Dobbs, can I ask you a question?" "Sure." "You know those kids on Long Street in the nice blue uniforms - is that a Catholic school?" "What?" "Nothing, doesn't matter." "Ofsted must have a website." " Where were we?" " Are you not into this?" "God, yes, I'm very much into this." "In fact, I think I might rubber up." "Well, sure." "Condom, yes." "Condom." "Condom, condom, condom." "Although... maybe two?" "Two condoms?" "Two's company." "In fact, maybe I should go for a third." "Three is the magic number." "I've got to tell her." "I couldn't slide this in anyway." "It'd be like trying to clingfilm an earthworm." "I'm sorry, Dobby." " Just what's wrong, Mark?" " The situation is this, Dobbs." "It's... it's the heat." "It's just too hot in here." "I feel like my head's on fire." "We've only just got a new boiler, and I can't..." "Yeah, talk." "Keep up this covering fire while I retreat from the battleground." "Yeah, so it's going to be the classic one-egg omelette." " (RHYTHMIC BANGING)" " MARK:" "Fuck!" " Fuck!" "Fuck!" " Is he..." "Sorry." "... having the hardest sex ever?" " Of course not." " Damn you!" "Fucking, fucking, fuck!" "Mark, what are you doing?" "It's too hot." "It's too bloody hot!" "It's ruining everything." "Tell it to stop!" "Everything all right?" "Is it OK if I have quite a massive drink of any booze you've got?" "Oh, they're going to drench my flirt-fest in geek juice." "Do you want a glass of champagne?" "We're just going to have a toast to Jeremy's baby." "Jeremy's baby?" "Er... yeah." "Didn't I mention that Jeremy's having a baby?" "Er, no." "Wow!" "Congratulations?" "(DOORBELL BING-BONGS)" " To Jeremy's baby!" " Jeremy's baby." "Jeremy's baby." "Mmm, the great taste of ashes." "Um..." "Mark, could I have a quick word?" "Ladies, talk amongst yourselves." " (WHISPERS) It's Sophie." " Oh, my God!" "I saw her through the spy hole, but she might have sensed movement." " (WHISPERS) Fuck!" " (DOORBELL)" "Shouldn't someone answer that?" "Probably not going to bother, actually." "Yeah, it's probably that crazy old guy who keeps ringing our doorbell." "If you answer, he tries to grab your balls and make you buy a guide to Barcelona." "JEREMY:" "Where did that come from?" "That's nice lyingl" "(DOORBELL)" "Stupid doorbell man." "He's so crazy." "I'll get rid of him." "JEREMY:" "So... where were we?" "And please, no more talk about my baby." " (MARK SCREAMS)" " Oh, God, what?" "I" "Has she got in and torn his throat out?" "(LAUGHING)" "You wouldn't think there was much voltage going through that little sucker, but it packs a punch, let me tell you." "I'll answer it." "I'll tell him to fuck off." "No, it's fine." "You just go and shelter." "You find refuge over there." "I'll deal with this maniac." "MARK:" "I'm opening the airlock." "We're all gonna die." " What the fuck was that all about?" " Sorry, Soph, shall we do this here?" "Sorry if it's a bad time, but why didn't you open the door?" "Fatal decompression has begun." " Did you not tell him?" " No, I told him." "What's going on, Mark?" "Right, yeah..." "What's going on?" "Um..." "Well, sorry not to have mentioned this before, but, er..." "Sophie's pregnant." " Yeah?" " Yeah." "And it's... it's my baby." "So no biggie." "What?" " "No biggie"?" " You're both having babies?" "Well, no, that's not quite..." "It's a bit complicated." " Let me explain." " (MOBILE RINGS)" "Hi, Jeff, thanks for ringing back." "I'm really confused." "I thought it was your baby." "Yeah, I know." "I thought it was, too, but, um... it looks like it changed in the womb." "Can they do that?" "But she said she told you it was Mark's on the phone." "Yeah, so why did I say it was mine?" "It's weird, isn't it?" " It's really weird, Jeremy(!" ")" " Wow!" "How did this happen?" "OK, the truth is I lied." "I said I was having a baby because I wanted to impress you." "You're beautiful and intelligent and sexy and cool and I wanted to seem proper because, and I probably shouldn't be telling you this, but..." "I know I may look like a real person, but..." "I'm not actually a real person." "I truthed it." "Truthing worksl" "Why didn't you tell me?" "Were you trying to impregnate me too?" "Double your money?" "I was going to tell you." "I just didn't want to ruin the mood." "Mark!" "Man, you're just..." "This is just..." "You really fucked this." "You know that?" "But the good news is that that's why I was so weird in bed." "It wasn't bad technique - it was the news." "Whoop-de-do(!" ")" "It's OK." "I'll send her an e-card..." "a charming e-card." "So..." "I guess we've got a lot to talk about." "So much." "So many details, and big and small issues, and grown-up stuff and just, wow!" "Yeah, great." "Just... first, Sophie, do you mind if I ask you one question?" " Uh-huh?" " Do you think it's too hot in here?" "Yeah, maybe it is a bit." "Yes!" "Did you hear that, Jeremy?" "Sophie says it's too hot in here!" "So I was right." "I win." "Shove that up your bollocks!" "# I'm not sick but I'm not well" "# And I'm so hot Cos I'm in hell. #"