"* my name is cleveland brown * * and I am proud to be * * right back in my hometown * * with my new family * * there's old friends and new friends * * and even a bear *" "* through good times and bad times * * it's true love we share * * and so I found a place * * where everyone will know * * my happy mustached face * * this is the cleveland show. *" "(chuckles)" "So I tell her, "baby, don't come over for a play date" "If you ain't ready to play."" "Straight up." "Uh-huh." "Shorty be tripping." "(car horn honks)" "That's my old lady." "I'm out." "A'ight then." "Be good, my brother." "What up, shavonne!" "Hi, rallo!" "Dang." "That lady's butt-- kablam!" "Rallo, you boys been playing with my shoes again?" "No." "Really?" "You know what this means." "This means I got to go shoe shopping!" "* *" "Okay, then we'll meet at 7:00." "I'll text vanessa and I.M. Jodie." "You twitter gabby, poke tracy and cyber-bully maria." "Oh, I got another call." "Hang on, girl." "Hey, girl!" "(phone ringing)" "Ooh, hang on, girl." "Hey, girl!" "Wow, donna, between rallo and roberta," "This house is a veritable beehive of activity." "Mm-hmm, and the queen bee is happy to see her honey." "(buzzing, laughing)" "Cleveland jr.:" "1,345... 1,346... 1,347... 1,348..." "What are you doing, son?" "Counting to a million." "Why, why are you doing that?" "Why does anybody do anything?" "Did you eat the brownies in the back of the freezer?" "No." "Good." "Don't!" "'cause they're your dad's for when he goes to concerts." "Got it?" "Okay." "1,349..." "Man, I got to find cleveland jr." "A friend." "I agree." "That boy is lonelier than" "A widowed trapeze artist with alzheimer's." "(drum roll)" "Ah." "(drumroll)" "Ah." "(drumroll)" "Huh." "This is a good place to meet people." "See anyone who interests you?" "That guy seems cool." "Or how about that young man over there" "Playing basketball?" "Hey, mind if we play?" "Sure." "All right." "The two of you against this old-timer." "Check it." "Ow!" "Ow!" "Foul!" "Foul!" "Daddy, he's leaving." "Well, then he forfeits." "You forfeit!" "He seems lonely." "Looks like he could use a friend, too." "Hey, sport, I got a proposition for you." "Yeah?" "My name's cleveland." "How'd you like to play with cleveland jr.?" "What?" "Oh, you'll love him." "He's a little chubby, but he's always up for a good time." "A lot of other kids have jerked him around, but I can tell" "You're the kind of guy who would treat him right." "Don't get me wrong, he's a handful, but a nice handful." "Look, I'll be honest with you." "I'm tired of playing with him." "You want to see him?" "Come over by the car, and I'll let you have a look." "Come on, what do you say?" "I'll give you 30 bucks right now" "If you play with him in the car." "Boomerang." "(sirens whoop)" "(cocking guns)" "You know, once I read over the transcript," "I could see how my words might have been misconstrued." "Thanks for trying to help me, dad." "Maybe we'll find me a friend tomorrow." "Yes, we will." "And if not then, then the next day." "And if not then, then the next day." "And if not then, we'll give up." "Because that will have been four days, and that's enough." "Hey, there's lester krinklesac's boy." "What are you doing, ernie?" "Playing kick the can." "I didn't know you could play that alone." "Well, I don't have any friends." "(brakes squeal)" "Ow!" "Daddy!" "Wear your damn seat belt!" "Ernie, this is my son cleveland jr." "He doesn't have any friends either." "You want to play kick the can?" "Do I?" "!" "That's okay, I didn't get it at first either." "I'll teach you how." "All right." "Now, you half-wits have a good time." "* *" "(chuckles)" "And then the old lady was hobbling after us 'cause the crab apple we threw broke her windshield," "And she tripped over a surveying flag and landed in the mud!" "(laughter)" "I bet even she had to laugh at that one." "(chuckles)" "I tell you, ernie, it's nice having you here." "Looks like I'm not the only one" "Around here with a white boyfriend." "(laughs)" "She's trying to call you homosexuals," "Cleveland jr." "And ernie." "That's funny." "I'm gonna use that." "I'm gonna use it right now." "Y'all are homosexuals!" "(laughs)" "This has been a perfect day." "Well, you know, ernie, the fun doesn't have to end." "Why don't we have a good old-fashioned sleepover?" "Yeah!" "Really?" "!" "Sure!" "Mi casa es su casa." "Wow, your dad knows janitor language!" "I love it here!" "Come on to my room, ernie." "We can look at our boogers under the microscope!" "Cool!" "(sighs)" "You can go, too, cleveland." "Cool!" "(in distance):" "Oh, gross!" "Hey, y'all." "So what are we grubbing on tonight?" "Oh, ernie, you're back for dinner." "Again." "Yep." "You said I could come over anytime," "So I'm moving in." "Well, that's not exactly what I..." "If cleveland jr.'s boyfriend gets to live here," "Then why can't mine?" "Okay, he can't live here," "And federline's definitely not gonna live here!" "Ah, I sat on my nuts!" "(knocking)" "Can I help you?" "Hi, lester." "This is a little awkward, but ernie was talking about" "Moving into my house, and I figured you..." "That true, ernie?" "You want to live here or there?" "There, I reckon." "Eh, boy's all yours." "(groans)" "Well, let's go home." "I'll get out of these pants and you can play with cleveland jr." "I shouldn't talk to boys." "I brought all my stuff!" "My kit, my kaboodle, my doo-dads," "My doo-hickies, my doo-jiggers, my gee-gaws." "(chuckles)" "We're gonna be roommates." "Oh, perfect." "Just what we need, another dude." "Would it kill somebody to bring home" "A hot puerto rican chick who's into black midgets?" "And this is princess, my pet possum." "(screams)" "Hide the cheese!" "Sorry, but I'm no good at living with animals." "Hey, big fat ugly tumor head man," "I'm going down to the student center." "You want a soda or something?" "I am referred to as the elephant man." "You don't look like an elephant." "You look like a big fat ugly tumor head man." "This is not why they call me the elephant man." "(zipper unzips)" "(thump, trumpeting)" "Morning." "Uh, could you at least" "Run the water while you're doing that?" "Okay." "(water running)" "Do y'all have a disposal," "Or should I do the rest in the yard?" "Both." "(shower running)" "(possum squeaking)" "(donna screaming)" "Get off me!" "Is there room for two... (screaming)" "(possum squeaking)" "Hasta la possum, baby!" "(possum squealing)" "(cleveland, donna screaming)" "So..." "Lester," "Have you given any further thought" "To when you might want ernie to return home?" "He can make his own decisions." "He's a grown-ass man." "Lester, he's 14." "You got to take back your boy." "Why should I?" "Seems to me he's happy anywhere but our house." "Y'all can pay for my drinks!" "So cleveland, how are you going" "To get lester to take his boy back?" "I guess I'll have to get creative," "Like van gogh when he discovered the q-tip." "Ew..." "Waxy." "What the hell are you doing?" "!" "This is my business." "Excuse me, this is a private residence." "Cleveland's voice:" "It's me, cleveland." "What?" "!" "What are you doing?" "I'm lester from the future." "I'm going to visit him in his sleep and tell him" "That without his influence, future ernie will destroy nascar" "By making them drive the other way around the track." "Will you just call child services?" "What?" "I don't want to get lester in trouble." "You won't." "Trust me." "I had to call them more than once with robert." "They'll come over, sit lester and ernie down" "And force them to talk this out." "That makes sense." "Holt's voice:" "Dyn-o-mite!" "What the-- holt?" "I figure you're lester, I'll be you." "We may dress as you all," "But you all may not dress as us." "(chicken clucking)" "There he goes!" "I got him!" "I got him!" "(bones snap) (both gasp)" "Dinner'll be ready in half an hour." "(doorbell rings)" "My, who could that be?" "Hi, I'm with child protective services." "I'm here for ernie." "Ernie, this nice man is gonna sit down" "With you and your dad to have a talk." "Okay." "But we were gonna play mine-shaft disaster" "In the crawlspace." "I was gonna be the greedy mine owner" "Who turned a blind eye to numerous safety violations." ""a," you can play later, and "b,"" "You know you can't fit in that crawl space." "I don't have to fit in there, daddy." "I'm the owner of the mine." "I don't have to do the dirty work." "Plus, I already told you," "I knew it was dangerous in there..." "Ah-ya-ya-ya!" "You can play later." "Thank god you called us, mr." "Brown!" "No child should live in such conditions!" "(tires squeal)" "You called child services on me?" "!" "How dare you!" "(squealing)" "Eh!" "Eh!" "(squealing)" "(braying) eh!" "(gasps)" "Hmph!" "I feel terrible." "Terrible, terrible, terrible." "I broke up a family" "And sent away the only friend cleveland jr." "Had." "I know." "I mean, lester's not perfect," "But he is ernie's father, cleveland." "Whoa!" "Listen to you:" ""he's ernie's father."" "Yesterday, you were all:" ""call child services." "Call child services." ""they'll have a conversation." "Oh, maybe they'll hug it out." "Oh, that'll be great."" "Oh, that's only 'cause you were all:" ""my kid is lonely." "He's a loser, blah-blah-blah." "I gotta get him a friend." "Oh, I sat on my nuts."" "Uh-huh, and you're all:" ""oh, cleveland," ""even though we have our differences," ""I should probably pleasure you" ""right here in the kitchen," ""any way you want." ""whatever makes you feel good the fastest," "So you can get out there and reunite that family."" "And then you're, like:" ""no, that's okay." ""I'll just go in the bathroom" ""and take care of myself real quick," "And then get out there and bring ernie home."" "Oh, man!" "Why'd I have to say that?" "!" "(knocking)" "Lester, good ns!" "I already heard." "We got a black president." "I know." "But this is about ernie." "I called child services and found out" "That they took him to a foster family in elmwood." "But first, I listened to their entire message," "Because some of their menu options may have changed." "Anyway, they scheduled" "A custody hearing for tomorrow morning." "All you have to do is come with me" "And we can get your boy back." "What about my six pigs, my donkey and my port-o-john?" "I don't know what to do." "Lester won't go to the hearing." "It's like he doesn't even want his son back." "Am I the only one who knows psychology here?" "No." "I minored in it." "Guess what I majored in." "Partying?" "There he is!" "The point is lester does want his son back," "But he's too proud and way too stupid..." "Oh, oh, lester!" "We were just speaking of a different lester." "In-in case you did not hear," "This-this other lester is stupid." "Uh, sorry I'm late." "I was busy turning ernie's room back into a panic room." "Panic room with forest whitaker," "Who was in fast times with sean penn." "Who was in mystic river with..." "Kevin bacon!" "Yeah!" "In three!" "Suck it!" "You know, lester, I-I like having a son just" "To do the chores around the house" "That I, that I don't want to do." "Not to mention the tax break you get for having a child." "Taxes?" "I don't pay no damn taxes." "Screw the government." "Well, the government is who took your child away." "See, lester, this isn't about ernie." "This is about the government" "Disrespecting you as a man." "You have to stand up to the government, lester." "Show 'em who's boss." "I'm gettin' my son back!" "Vegas!" "Right now!" "Right now!" "Vegas!" "Who's in?" "!" "I, I've never been to las vegas." "Let's do it!" "What the hell!" "All right, we just gotta stop off at my house," "Grab my black shirt and get some cash from my mom." "There he goes." "Slight break." "Oh, that's crisp." "Whatcha think?" "Mm, you look waffle house handsome." "No brunch after church, today, ma'am." "I got a hearing to go to." "Too much?" "Mm-mm, just right, baby." "Now go get that kid back." "Hey, baby?" "You're right on time." "Oh, hey, lester." "Are all of these gun-toting rednecks coming" "To the hearing with us?" "We ain't goin' to no hearing." "We gonna go to that foster home" "And take my boy back!" "What are you talking about?" "I'm doing what you told me to do" "Standing up to the government." "Showing them who's boss." "And no one's gonna stop me!" "(all hooting and cheering)" "(laughs nervously)" "I always found flip wilson very funny." "Me, too." "You know who else was classy?" "Ed bradley." "Ed bradley was a class act." "Mm-hmm." "I once became aroused" "While looking at halle berry and her breasts." "Thank you." "Sons of stoolbend, I'm not gonna lie to you." "Most of you are gonna die today." "I think I left a cake in the oven!" "Fair enough." "Now the rest of us are gonna go in there" "And show the government that they can't take my son!" "Whoo-hoo!" "Yeah!" "Lester, please." "Remember what kenny rogers said" "Right before he went into the chicken business" "And then made himself look like an old woman:" ""you don't have to fight to be a man."" "All ri-ri-ri-right, hold up, fellas!" "Cleveland and me is gonna try talkin' to 'em." "Y'all can wait outside." "No sodomy!" "All:" "Aw!" "Well, good thing I brought dancing' dan." "Look at him..." "Look, look at him." "Please return ernie to his rightful father." "You seem like perfectly lovely people, but..." "Nope." "The child is not going back to that house." "I ain't leavin' without my son." "(whistles)" "Where do you think you're going?" "You're messing with my livelihood." "That foster kid is money in my pocket!" "(slow-motion, distorted):" "No...!" "Look, lester obviously cares enough about ernie" "To risk his own life." "Do I have brains in my hair?" "No, you got it." "Do I?" "No, uh-uh." "I'm gonna ask you once again to reconsider." "Cleary, ernie and lester belong together." "You're risking your life just to get me home?" "But I thought you didn't want me home." "I never said that!" "You said you didn't want to live at home." "I was only sayin' that 'cause you didn't say" "You wanted me to come home." "You thought..." "And I meant...?" "Aw, don't that beat all." "Okay, on three, let's say it." "Both:" "One, two, three!" "I love you!" "Ha!" "Wussy." "Well, I have to admit..." "This new couple seems to have a few..." "Issues of their own." "Foster kids, attack!" "(all yelling)" "Tell you what, how 'bout if I promise" "To keep an eye..." "On ernie," "Since I'm just across the street?" "All right, fine." "Ernie can go home." "I'll sign the release." "Great!" "(gunshot)" "Great." "Hey, lester, you got custody!" "Yee-yip-yip-yip-yip-haw!" "We'll take that kid now." "Cleveland:" "Chandel-where?" "!" "Chandel-what?" "!" "Chandel-here!" "You got a gun?" "!" "You think I'd get in a truck full of rednecks" "Without packing heat?" "(both laugh)" "You know what?" "You're all right." "I take back all the racist stuff I said about you." "What racist stuff?" "Oh, yeah." "You weren't there." "You...!" "(chuckles)" "I told you, look," "I left my I.D. In virginia." "I'm 32, dawg." "Look at my class ring!" "Come on, man!" "Please?" "Hey, holt, holt, you-you gotta get in here, man." "I think, I think I think just made out with nikki hilton!" "Oh, oh, my god, I-I-I-I don't know" "What was in that aspirin that, uh, that, uh," "Those arab guys gave me," "But it's the best freakin' aspirin I've ever had!" "Whoo!"