"Big news." "New rom-com opening tonight." "[ALL GROAN]" "I bet it's got some super vague title that tells nothing about the movie." "That's the Way It's Gotta Be." "Do they have to be so stupid?" "No, that's the title of the movie." "It's about someone who has to do something to win a bet." "Somebody dates someone to prove something for some article." "Or somebody who's supposed to marry then leaves them at the... doctor's office." "Whoa." "So, okay, I have to get out." "Wait." "Someone left this at my apartment." "Mine." "My sweater." "It's both of yours?" "You wear the same size?" "It's supposed to be slouchy." "It's supposed to be tight and formfitting, my Grandma Frida gave it to me." "How many times has she died?" "Because you said the same thing about a sandwich." "Know what this means?" "We're gonna have to figure out who gets the sweater." "Oh, not another dumb competition that nobody cares about." "Jane and I are not gonna do one of our stupid competitions." "It's just" "JANE:" "No." "Get back here, you gay." "MAX:" ""You gay"?" "That's the best you can think of?" "Ridiculous." "Idiots." "I gotta see this." "Yay!" "DAVE:" "Me too." "Hey, guys, wait." "See you." "Seriously?" "I get stuck with the check again?" "What is the point of having white friends?" "You don't have to pay for my second waffle." "Or my first omelet." "[###]" "You two are acting like children." "BOTH:" "No, we're not." "I look better in it." "I look better in it." "Your skinny body doesn't fill it out." "Your chubby body's gonna rip it." "Chubby?" "You guys are vain." "You probablythink this sweater's about you." "Don't you dare make that joke." "I got it." "Max, whoever is less vain gets the sweater." "Oh, it's on, you skinny nut job." "JANE:" "You're a nut job." "Hello, David." "Hi." "Hi." "Hello." "Dave, don't be rude." "Introduce us to this gentleman." "This is Richard." "He's my uh, work, friend, colleague who I know from camp the war, dance class." "The war." "Which war?" "The war on drugs, and we won." "You're welcome." "Well, it was nice to meet all of you." "Bye." "MAX:" "Wow." "Who was that tall drink of cashmere?" "A long lingerer." "He's my therapist." "Thank God." "I was worried you were taking a dance class." "Why not tell us about therapy?" "Because I just started seeing him and it's starting to help a bit, and I knew you guys would make fun of me, so go ahead." "Have at." "[laughing]" "No, Dave." "We're gonna make fun ofyou for saying "have at."" "No." "I would never." "Therapy is great." "My therapy is my gardening." "I like to get in there and dig and just smash and smash and just smash it until" "David, tons of people are in therapy." "I've been going since I was a kid." "In fact, I still see my childhood psychologist, Roz Liebowitz." "He touched me here and here, and I wanted him to touch me here, but he wouldn't." "Why wouldn't he?" "Yeah, man." "You gotta relax." "Therapy's cool." "I find it helps me become a more mature, well-rounded" "I got the sweater." "Oh!" "Aah!" "Like being attacked by a rake." "JANE:" "Give it to me." "Is there a nail place around here?" "I think maybe just around the corner." "JANE:" "Ow, ow." "I twisted my ankle twisting Max's ankle." "[lN HOARSE voice] Aw." "Poor baby." "You want some tea?" "What's wrong with your voice?" "[lN NORMAL voice] Strained it talking to Alex." "My voice gets weird when I'm nervous." "Why were you nervous?" "Because we have nothing to talk about." "Ifyou have to work, don't keep me company." "Oh, no, no." "It's cool." "We never get to hang out." "It'll be nice." "Yeah." "Yeah." "So..." "Heh." "So..." "Heh." "[BOTH CHUCKLlNG]" "Yep." "And it got even worse after that." "Uh..." "There's also a lot of greens." "Uh-huh." "Lime green." "Yeah." "Kelly green." "[lN HlGH-PlTCHED voice] Green can mean inexperienced, when you think about it, that's pretty cool." "Honey, Alex is my sister." "You guys should be close." "[lN NORMAL voice] We are close." "We're just not, like, one-on-one close." "Well, you could be." "Call her now." "Ask her to lunch." "Fine." "I'll do that." "I'll call her right now." "[lMlTATlNG PHONE BEEPlNG]" "No phones sound like that." "Shh." "Babe, I'm on the phone." "[###]" "How are we gonna decide who's less vain?" "Throw acid in each other's faces?" "It's psychotic." "I like it." "What about face tattoos?" "Mm." "We talking Tyson or Kat Von D?" "We're talking Kat Von Tyson with Mike Von D." "I can be down with that." "I've got it." "Why don't you pick the worst outfit you can think of and whoever wears it the longest wins?" "Great." "Love it." "In." "Well, prepare to lose." "Because you are gonna look like trash in this hideous piece of garbage." "[GROWLS]" "Stop it." "You're gonna scare away the customers." "What customers?" "ALEX [whispering]:" "Sometimes I get scared in here." "And all my friends were really supportive." "Tsk, tsk, tsk." "Uh, sorry." "Especially Penny." "She even told me she has a therapist too." "Interesting, and do you think this is something that she would only sayto you, orwould she say it to, say, a boyfriend or an on-again-off-again female lover?" "Well, I guess if she had a female" " Wait, huh?" "Wait." "What?" "Anyway, know what I think would really help you?" "I am so sorry." "Ah, we have to stop." "It's unbelievable." "It just flies by." "Here's what I'd like you to think about for next week:" "Getting me Penny's number." "I wanna ask her out." "Out?" "Like, out on a...?" "I'm sorry." "What's happening here?" "I know I appear to view life from a distance in a way that may make you think" "I am, I don't know, godlike, but in my off-hours," "I'm a flesh-and-blood man who enjoys travel, tart apples, artisanal cheeses, just like you." "Heh." "I'm sorry." "Isn't asking for my friend's number a bit inappropriate?" "Well, obviously itwould be wildly inappropriate ifwe were in a session, but out here it's totally appropriate, you see?" "Appropriate." "Inappropriate." "Appropriate." "Inappropriate." "Do you understand?" "So this, uh...?" "Am I paying for this?" "No." "[###]" "Bye-bye." "Dude, I need your help." "MAX:" "All right." "But it'll cost you." "Uh, you owe me $8000." "I'm here for you." "Having lunch with Alex and it's gonna be awkward, so hit me with an out-call at, like, 1 :20." "I have the best out-call in the business." "A meteor-- Not a meteor's about to hit the Earth." "Fine." "I will, uh, think of another one." "[BRAD SPEAKS in spanish]" "Hey, how do you think Jane would feel aboutwearing high-waisted jeans?" "She'd have to be high and wasted." "Awesome." "She is going to" "Hate this." "Everything about this shirt is gonna look bad on Max." "He has two ofthem." "He wore one to your wedding." "Oh." "[###]" "So stamps went up again." "Unbelievable." "I get the forever ones, but who knows how long they're good for?" "Um..." "Oh." "[PHONE ringing]" "Hello?" "Wait." "What?" "A meteor is headed for Earth, just like in that movie?" "Uh-oh." "Meteor's a-coming." "That is a tough pill to swallow." "Al, I know that was Max." "Man, I cannot believe you'd pull an out-call on me, your own brother-in-law." "[PHONE ringing]" "Let me just get" "Oh." "Hello." "Yeah, I'll tell him." "That was Max." "He wants me to tell you a meteor is headed for Earth like in that other movie." "What?" "We gotta-- Brad." "What are we doing getting out-calls, huh?" "We're like brother and sister." "Should be able to talk." "I know." "Yeah." "[CLEARS THROAT]" "Are hip-hop and rap the same thing?" "Yes." "[GROANS]" "Got it." "[###]" "Hey." "Hey." "The craziest thing happened." "So I'm coming out of my office, and I run into Rick." "Who's Rick?" "Your therapist." "Told me to call him Richard." "Oh." "He told me to call him Rick." "The point is" "So socially he prefers Rick Rickman?" "I don't know." "Who cares?" "I care." "Richard Rickman is the name of a therapist." "Rick Rickman will sell you a used Grand Cherokee." "Okay, whatever." "Rick asked me out, so I guess I was kind ofwondering ifthat would be weird for you." "Well, it wasn't weird before, but it's certainly weird now." "The guy asked me for your number." "I don't get back to him and he tracks you down at your office?" "You think he tracked me down?" "Come to think of it he did ask me some strange questions in our last session." "You've been talking about your mother, and it makes me wonder, where does Penny work, and what bus line is that on?" "Yeah, he's stalking you." "Oh, my God." "That is so flattering." "What do you wear to a stalking?" "Stockings?" "No, that's too on-the-nose." "[###]" "Max." "Max, I gotta talk to you about something." "Max" " Oh!" "What do you think?" "Eh..." "Works for you, man." "I know, right?" "I'll win that sweater." "What did you want to talk about?" "Oh, Penny's gonna go out with my shrink." "That's weird, right?" "David, nothing is weird." "I've dated bailiffs, monks, jockeys." "My best is a butcher, a baker and a candlestick maker, and yes, we were all in one tub." "Tell me it wasn't our tub." "Look, Dave, ifyou think it's weird" "Penny is dating your shrink, tell her you don't want her to date your shrink." "Let's go grab a beer, huh?" "Um..." "You're not really gonna go out in public like that, are you?" "Yeah." "This is nothing compared to what I threw at Jane." "JANE:" "This is the biggest event we have ever attempted, but I think ifwe bring on three corporate sponsors, we could offset the total cost of the event." "Now, I've already gone out to" "[PHONE ringing]" "Sorry." "Hello?" "What--?" "A meteor?" "Heh." "Excuse me." "Thank you for the out-call, boo." "No problem, boo." "How was your lunch with Alex?" "It was fine." "Fine?" "Fine is not good enough." "Brad, it is important to me that you guys have a real relationship." "You need to work at this." "I gotta go." ""Fine"?" "Why didn't I just say "great"?" ""Hey, how was lunch with Alex?" "Great." Is that so damn hard?" "[###]" "Awesome, Brad." "Okay." "Thanks." "Sounds like you two are really starting to bond." "We're not, but Jane's been harassing me, so we're gonna trick her into thinking we're bonding, and it should be easy to fool her because I'm super easy to fool." "In hindsight, I may have dodged a bullet." "We'll tell Jane we had an amazing lunch, but we're not gonna meet at all." "So you're gonna lie to Jane and not get any closer to Brad." "It sounds like a great plan." "It's better than pretending to hang out when you're waiting for Penny to get home." "Heh, that is not what I am doing." "I came here to get my vase." "That's mine." "Then where did I put mine?" "Oh." "Hey." "Hi." "Hey." "What are you doing here?" "Nothing." "Waiting for you." "Oh, come on." "I thought you said you were cool with me dating Rick." "Yeah, one of my best friends dating the guy that knows all of my secrets." "Yeah, it's totally cool." "Cool." "Not cool, Pen." "What if he talks about me?" "We spent four hours." "You didn't come up once." "Really?" "Not even one time?" "He didn't...?" "This is getting weird." "Stop dating him." "No." "No, no, no." "You know what?" "No." "It would be one thing ifyou'd asked me, but you're telling me." "If I learned anything from Roz and the feelings dolls, it is that I need to be less intimidated and more assertive." "I'm gonna date Rick Rickman whether you like it or not." "Fine." "Fine." "Fine." "Date Rick Rickman." "I will." "Fine." "Am I the only one that thinks the name Rick Rickman is insane?" "Well, it's a lot betterthan Dick Dickman." "No." "You can't change the last name to" " Forget it." "I did dodge a bullet." "[###]" "BRAD:" "Yeah." "Listen, babe, I'm ducking into a meeting." "I've gotta call you back in, uh, about 1 10 minutes." "Okay." "[CHATTERlNG]" "Alex?" "Brad." "Hey." "What are you doing here?" "[GASPS]" "You love rom-coms." "I knew it." "What?" "Wait." "What theater is this, huh?" "I thought this was that "murder, death, sports, explosion" film for men with full beards and ample chest hair." "Okay, yes." "Yes." "Yes, I do." "I love rom-coms, okay?" "I love them." "Heh, heh, heh." "Last year, I told Jane I was going to Chicago Comic Con, but instead I went to the Rom Com Con." "I was there." "Katherine Heigl's panel was incredible." "Here's the chain." "Off it." "Yes." "Wait." "Shouldn't you be at work?" "Yeah." "People don't come to my store between 5 and 7 and sometimes between 10 and 5." "I like your store." "Thank you." "Aw." "Heh, heh." "Aw." "Heh, heh." "I love the previews." "Oh, me too." "[music playing OVER SPEAKERS]" "Hey, I brought my own Junior Mints." "I bring my own snacks too." "Whoa." "It's so stinky." "Oh, yeah." "You know it." "Seriously, that really stinks." "I know." "Heh." "You look like Jamiroquai before Labor Day." "You look like Carol Brady right before she was arrested for molesting Bobby." "Oh, it's been 24 hours." "I mean, this could go on forever." "We're too good." "We gotta stop this." "What's the one thing we can't resist looking hot for?" "WOMAN: 911." "What is the emergency?" "Hello." "Yes, I would like to report a fire." "[###]" "Yes." "And that's how I almost accidentally married my best friend's fiance." "You are on fire tonight." "Oh, thank you." "No, you're literally on fire." "[laughing]" "[audience laughing]" "She's so nervous." "Girl can't even tell she's on fire." "Ah." "Thank you." "I'm just a little nervous." "I could have told you that the moment you ordered the market salad." "Really?" "You can tell all that from my order?" "Oh, yeah." "Yeah, yeah." "See that guy?" "Seafood risotto." ""Mommy doesn't love me."" "Okay, wait." "Let me try." "Let me try." "Okay." "See that woman eating lava cake?" "Touchy uncle." "He didn't molest her." "He's just very easily offended." "Garlic bread, compulsive gambler compensating for two failed marriages and a stalled career as a memoirist." "You got all that from garlic bread?" "Oh, yeah, and he's my patient, so mum's the word that puts him into a deep trance." "[laughing]" "DAVE:" "Penny?" "Dr. Rickman?" "What a surprise." "Dave?" "How rude of me." "Let me introduce my date." "Ahem." "Dr. Roz Liebowitz." "I came as soon as I could." "You all right?" "Yes, I am fine." "What are you doing here?" "You date my therapist, I date yours." "It's the old switcheroo." "Plus, we're super into each other, aren't we, baby?" "Watch it." "If Herb Liebowitz had not just had a double hip replacement and wasn't afraid to drive, he would come into the city and kick your ass." "What is going on?" "He interrupted me mid-session, and now I have a 10-year-old patient waiting in my Grand Cherokee." "Fantastic car." "Aha." "Penny, David said you were having an emergency." "Does it look like I'm having one?" "Well, your other sleeve's on fire." "Damn it." "Why does this keep happening?" "[SlRENS wailing in distance]" "You're gonna break." "Not before you." "I knowyou have a Chicago firemen calendar." "Oh, do you?" "Uh-huh." "Well, I happen to know that you have a... secret Chicago firemen's calendar." "Ah!" "You're single." "None will date you when they see you in that." "Well, you're married." "None of them can see your legs." "I know how much you need validation." "I need a lot ofvalidation." "Okay." "We each get to take off one thing." "We do it at the same time." "Fine." "Fine." "One, two, three." "One, two, three." "How do I look?" "Way worse without that hat." "Really?" "Fine." "Mm-hm." "Well, you look topless but your nurples fell off." "Let's take off one more thing." "One more thing." "That's all this was?" "You were using me to prove a point?" "At first, but that was before I got to know you." "Wait." "MAN:" "Sorry, dude." "That's the way it's gotta be." "[MAN BURPS]" "Now, why couldn't he just tell her the truth before, on the bridge?" "He couldn't." "She just bought him the train set from his childhood." "No." "That don't sit rightwith me." "Now it's too late." "They'll never get together." "Don't." "That's why you brought me here?" "To prove a point?" "At first, but then something magical happen" "No, that's why I brought you here." "Oh, my God." "Penny, let me handle this." "David, walk with me." "Gladly." "Feel free to start." "Don't worry." "I'll just pick." "Where's the fire?" "Right here, boys." "Jane, I thought we agreed to say "in our pants."" "The fire is in our pants." "What?" "The fire... is in our pants." "We are done." "You are the most unprofessional therapist ever, and I'll tell you something else." "I ain't paying for the phone calls." "Those were legit sessions." "You called me, crying." "Therapy's a two-way street, David." "No, it's not." "I think we both know who you're upset with." "No, you look, Rick Rickman." "You don't tell me who I'm upset with." "Wait a minute." "Who am I upset with?" "Yourself." "You have unresolved feelings for Penny, which is whyyou get upset if she dates other men." "That is rich, Rick, okay?" "Heh, heh, heh." "I'm upset because my friend is dating my shrink, and ifyou think otherwise, you're crazy." "I'm crazy?" "I'm crazy?" "Okay." "Well, tell that to the American Psychiatric Association." "Actually, don't, seriously, tell them that because they've had their eye on me." "So I'm trying to lay low." "Whoa, that looks really intense." "I gotta get Dave out of here." "Interesting." "So you'd prefer to "leave" with your "platonic" friend rather than stay with the eligible "man" you're on a date with?" "Yeah, well, I wouldn't prefer it, but Dave is really upset." "Why are you putting air quotes around "platonic" and "leaving"" "and "man"?" "I'm just saying you clearly have unresolved feelings for David." "What?" "Ha, ha." "That's crazy." "Is it?" "I need a doggie bag." "Am I paying for this?" "Nicki, I don't know why I've been looking everywhere when what I wanted all along was right in front of me." "I'll rip up the whole damn article." "Just say the word." "Nick, the only word I wanna say is yes." "audience:" "Aw." "[dramatic music playing OVER SPEAKERS]" "Oh." "It's so beautiful." "[sobbing]" "I'm sorry I was such a jerk before." "It's cool with me ifyou wanna keep dating Rick Rickman." "Why do you keep using his full name?" "I don't know." "I can't stop." "I'm sorry that I went out with him even though I knew it bugged you." "No, it doesn't." "Thanks, but it's okay." "Rick says ifyou like pizza, it means you're battling sexual dysfunction." "Everybody likes pizza." "Every single person." "Mmm?" "Oh." "That was the best." "I love how Nick and Nicki didn't realize they were meant for each other till the end." "I know, and how romantic was that fountain?" "So romantic." "I wish those things would happen to me." "Oh, my God." "I would die." "I would die." "Oh." "I am sorry." "These date shoes are killing me." "You seemed pretty freaked talking to Rick." "What did he sayto you?" "Nothing important." "How about Roz?" "What'd she say to you?" "Not much." "You know shrinks." "They're all crazy." "Yeah." "Completely bonkers." "Cuckoo." "Heh, heh." "[###]" "DAVE:" "Going in the water." "PENNY:" "Stop." "Stop." "We're so ridiculous." "To think, all that from a stupid sweater." "I mean, clearly there's only one mature way to solve this." "BOTH:" "Burn that bitch." "[###]" "Oh, man." "Heh, heh, heh." "I will get the fire extinguisher." "Yeah." "Oh." "Here's my sweater." "No, no." "That's my sweater." "I left it here." "It was on my chair in my home." "Yeah, I purposely put it on that chair so that l" "That is my sweater." "[SMOKE ALARM BEEPlNG]" "Give me my sweater." "[MAX GlGGLlNG]"