"_" "TIM:" "So you said it felt like a twitching in your ear canal?" "Yeah, and it hurts, and it's driving me crazy." "Oh, I think I see something." "Oh." "All right. (sighs)" "You are in the capable hands of a doctor." " There." " (grunts)" " Ew, yuck." " What?" "(gasps) Oh!" "It's so gross." " (gagging)" " What is it?" "There's a spider in your ear." "Yeah, right, you put that in there." "Oh, my God." "I almost barfed taking it out, you think I could've gotten that in there?" "No!" "No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no." "That's disgusting." "That is so disgusting." "Tim, no one can know about this, especially Matt." "You know he is terrified of spiders, and if he finds out, he will never come near me again." "No, don't worry." "You're protected by doctor-patient confidentiality." "I'm gonna..." "Where'd it go?" " (gasping) It's still alive?" " Where is it?" " Aah, I don't know, I'm not a veterinarian." " Oh, no." " (door closing)" " TIM:" "Heather." "Heather, Heather, Heather." "The craziest thing ever happened at work." " Ooh." " Ah, but I can't say what, 'cause I took a oath, I could lose my license, our whole family could go under." "Well, then, keep it to yourself, babe." "All right, fine, I'll tell you, but I'm not gonna say any names, and you can't say anything to anyone." "You guys will not believe what happened to Tim the other day." "He pulled a spider out of someone's ear." "(clattering)" "GREG:" "Do you know that if you have a bug or any kind of insect living inside you," " you're not even a person anymore." " Hmm." "You're just a host." " Whoa." " Interesting." "JEN:" "You know what else you are?" "Just disgusting." " Like, jump off a bridge." " JEN:" "Yeah." " Purify yourself with fire." " Yeah." "Who farted?" "(laughs)" "I want to sue Tim." "Ooh, okay." "Yeah, let's do it." " Do you have a reason?" "It could be small." " Yes I do." "He broke doctor-patient confidentiality." "He told Heather about the spider in my ear." "That was you?" "Ugh, oh, my God." "Oh, my God." "I've used your headphones. (gasps)" "And you know what?" "No." "Sadly, you don't have a case, because he didn't mention you by name." "Can we lie?" "Well, yeah, but then he could just sue you." "Oh, man, this just keeps getting worse." "Okay, do you promise that you won't tell anyone about this?" "Yeah, attorney-client privilege." "That's what Tim said." "Well, yeah, but I'm actually good at my job, so..." "Also, I'm gonna have to charge you for this." "Oof." "Do you believe Tim's gross story?" "Makes me want to sleep with headphones." "I'm glad you borrowed that pair from Colleen." "You know, um, maybe it's best we just leave it alone." "Like, weird things just, sometimes, happen to people." "That is so not what you said when I fell up the stairs." "Well, I just wouldn't want that person to overhear us, like, mocking them, and then to feel bad." "Are you saying that patient zero is inside the house?" "I can't say." "(gasps) But you only say that when you're representing someone." "Are you representing them?" " Can't say." " Wow, you are." " Let's see." "It isn't us." " No." "(low, indistinct conversations)" "Okay." "Heather brought it up, okay?" "But Tim found it." "Nothing is getting through my dad's ear hair, and Mom won't let Tim touch her." "So... (snaps fingers, gasps)" " Yes!" " No." " Greg." "Don't." " Boom." "I got it." " Watch." "Watch this." " Greg." "Greg..." "No." "JEN:" "Greg." "Hey, Matt, guy with a bug in his ear says what?" "Excuse me?" "Ha!" "I thought so." "Yeah. 'Cause Jen told me that Spider Guy was here in the house." "Yeah." "And I deduced that it's Matt because I'm smart and you're gross." "Quick, everybody, make fun of Matt." " Matt sucks." " Good one, Dad." "You guys all know how I get around spiders, right?" "If one crawled out of my ear," "I would literally pull a double van Gogh, and die from what a filthy little animal I am, and based entirely on the way that Colleen's palm sweat has soaked through her pants," "I'm thinking that this story is about her." " Oh, my God!" " Damn it." "None of this would've happened if you kept your big mouth shut, Tim." "Whoa!" "Ho, ho, ho, don't look at old Tim." "Heather's the one who can't keep a secret." "Hey!" "Greg is the one who started naming names." "What?" "No way." "It's Jen's fault." "She's the one who told me it was someone in this house." "My fault?" "Colleen came to me unsolicited, and told me she wanted to sue Tim." "(scoffs) Get in line." "Ugh, this would've never happened if you kept your big mouth shut, Tim!" "Whoa!" "Ho, ho, ho, don't look at old Tim." " Heather's the one who can't..." " Oh, hey, okay." "Come on." " We're not gonna go through this again." " JOAN:" "No, that's enough." "A family doesn't behave like this." "You don't go around blaming each other." "That being said, this is absolutely your fault, Tim." "Whoa!" "Ho, ho, ho." "Whoa!" "Ho, ho, whoa, ho, ho." "Confidentiality is never broken." "Especially in a family." "I mean, you've all come to me as a therapist." "How would you feel if I revealed that one of you wet the bed into adulthood?" "Or had an emotional affair with your tennis coach?" "Or, or got an erection during a Pixar movie?" "(clears throat)" "WALL-E looked like my first girlfriend." "_" "So, Heather, you really think he'll grow out of wanting to sleep in our bed every night?" "Oh, yeah, come on, I told you he'd learn to wipe himself" " before middle school, didn't I?" " (door opens)" "You are such a good mom, Heather." " Oh, thank you." " (door closes)" " Hi." " Oh, hey!" "Sorry, just wanted to come by and bring back these hand-me-downs." "No offense, but I think we want to make our own stains." "(laughter)" "What are you, what are you doing off of work?" "Oh, we had to take our vacation days." "Yeah, one of the partners had what the psychologist called a "fecal freak-out" in the office bathroom, which was not something HR wanted happening twice." "Oh, well, the exciting life of a lawyer." "You guys, this is my sister-in-law, Jen." " Hi." " This is Patty, Kevin's mom." "Irene," "Daisy's mom, and Marsha has the triplets." " Whoa." " I love your necklace." "Oh, thank you." "It's new." " Yeah, my husband got it for me." " Aw." "He hasn't seen it yet." "(laughter)" "God, you look so nice, and we're all just super cas." "Oh, well, hey, if it makes you feel any better," "I haven't washed my bra in a month." "Well, I'm dressed casually because I get puked on a lot." "Oh, yeah, I can imagine with triplets." " And my husband's an alcoholic." " (quietly):" "Yeah." "Oh, hey." "Do you want a glass of wine?" "Listen, Marsha brought a whole box." "Wow." "White wine in the afternoon." "Feel like a dentist's wife." "(laughter)" "It was so nice hanging out with other moms instead of lawyers." "You know?" "Like, I actually felt heard." "Oh, honey, of course you're pretty." "Hey, uh, I got this new patch growing in the back, will you just do it for me?" "Y-You know, I think for the sake of our marriage, we should just, each be responsible for our own hair removal." "(low, indistinct conversations)" "(laughter)" "Hey!" "ALL:" "Hi." "Wow, you guys look so different." "I didn't know that we were showering today." " Take a seat." "We got big news." " Yeah." "Oh, oh." "Patty finally got her son to sleep in his own bed." " Oh, Pat..." " JEN:" "Yeah." "So, we just need to figure out how to get Marsha to get her husband to sleep in his own bed instead of in the driveway with his head on the horn." "(laughter)" "Okay." "Yeah..." "O-Okay." "But, yeah." "Oh, yeah, she just waltzed in, you know, in her fancy clothes, bragging about her job." "Oh, that feels so good, it's like a massage." " All right, all done." " (buzzing stops)" "No, no, no, couple more minutes, please." " (buzzing resumes)" " Okay." "All right, I know this sounds crazy, but I felt like the girls... like Jen better than they liked me." "Ah, don't worry, the more they get to know her, the more she'll make them feel fat, dumb and bald." "(sighs)" "Okay, ladies, it was not easy with the book fair and the school gala coming up, but guess who got us all set up" "(singsongy): for spa day?" "Was it Jen?" "No." "No, it-it was me." "It wasn't Jen, she's off prioritizing work again," " but, guys, I-I set us up!" " (all chuckle)" "All right, let me text Jen to make sure she can come." "Oh, my God, you have her number?" "Give it to me." "Okay, guys?" "Hi..." "Listen, you know what?" "This is the only weekend that we can go," " so I don't think it really matters if Jen's available - (phone chimes)" " because we..." "Yeah?" " MARSHA:" "So Jen just texted," ""In meeting," and then the kitty Home Alone face," " IRENE:" "Mm!" " with a gun." "(women laugh)" "(laughing):" "She's gonna kill herself!" "Oh, my God, I get it!" "Wait, you don't think she's really gonna do it, do you?" "No, I don't." "I think there's only one person in this room that's really gonna kill herself." "(crying)" "IRENE:" "Aw." "(crying continues)" "(phone chiming)" "Hey, listen, Jen," "I'm sorry that you can't make it to spa day, but we can't just rearrange the schedule because you're busy with work." "You know, we're busy, too." "Okay, yeah, cool, so just go without me." "Okay, well, they don't want to go without you." "That's the problem." "You know, they're shaving above the knee now." "That's on you." "Well, I'm honestly surprised they have time to do that." " (phone chimes)" " I mean, these women with the group texting." "It's like oy vay." "Also, what does "black thumbs down, heart, heart, eggplant" mean?" "Well, Patty has a love-hate thing with baba ghanoush." " Which you would know" " Oh, okay." "if you were half as invested in these women as I am." "And, what..." "Are those free sodas?" "Yeah, yeah, they'll do anything to keep us in the office." "Oh, God, well, at least you have an office." "Tim fired me from the only job that I've ever had." "And now working moms judge me because I stay at home." " Yeah, Heather, the thing is, like, - (soda can opens) stay-at-home moms judge me because I leave my kid all day." "I guess I'll cut to the chase just because I'm-I'm losing billable hours here." "My point is, everyone judges everyone for everything and life is just, really, a lose-lose." "God, it is so good to hear you say that." "I think what's best for us is probably that" "I'm just not a part of your friend group anymore. (typing on phone)" "Oh, honey, they are never gonna let you go." "Really?" "Watch this." "(phone chimes)" ""Stop texting me all day, I have a real job."" "(snaps fingers) Boom." "That is so nuclear." "Thank you." "(quietly):" "Yep." "But seriously, I do have a real job, so you need to go." " Thank you." " I'm just kidding." "Yeah, okay." "Marriage is like a NASCAR race: it goes on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on forever, and in the end, there's only one winner." "_" "Oh, weddings are so fun." "(chuckles)" "Have you given any thought to the guest list?" "Because my friends Elizabeth and Margaret are a hoot." " Ooh." " Their husbands just died, but they never bring that up" " unless it's organic to the conversation." " Mm." " Actually, Mom?" " What, honey?" "We've been trying to keep costs low, so we're only" " inviting the family to Mexico." " COLLEEN:" "Mm-hmm." " Oh." " (door opens)" "COLLEEN:" "Oh, but keep that to yourself 'cause a certain someone doesn't know yet and she tends to respond really poorly to surprising news." "It was supposed to be partly sunny today." "I put on a shirt for nothin'!" "God!" "What does she usually wear?" "She's been going through a tube top phase." " Come here!" "Come here, come here, come here!" " Oh!" "Oh!" "I-If this is about drugs," "I-I-I don't have any." "Unless you also have osteoporosis." "Nah, my bones are strong." "I nursed straight from a cow for the first six months of my life." "I was actually hoping that you could help me out with something." "I got Matt and Colleen an awesome wedding gift, but I want to keep it a surprise." "And if they're anything like me, the second" "I walk out of this house, they are sneaking in here, trying on my pants." "So could I store it at your place?" "Oh, sure." "Oh, sweet." "Check it out." "I wanted to get something" " they can really use." " Yeah." "Ooh." " (screams excitedly) - (screams)" " It's Dale Earnhardt!" " Ah!" " Who?" " A racecar driver." "Oh, yes, yes." "I think that's Beethoven." "Ah, son of a Ritz!" "Nobody wants this in their house." "God, why would they sell a Beethoven at a gas station?" "Dougie... (grunting)" "Don't-Don't be so hard on yourself." "Ugh." "What do you know?" "Just 'cause you carry a purse that zips, you think you know stuff?" "No, no, no, I'm just a therapist." "Oh, that's how you make your purse money, I get it." "God, just quit bragging." " Well..." " I'm sorry." "Do you think you could help me out or what?" "Sure, we could, we could start with three times a week and go up from there." "No, no, no, I mean help me get a gift." "I don't need a therapist." "I am so normal." "Dear, there's a very big snake in your bed." "You want to pet him?" "Hey, Joan?" "Joan, does this tiny, little cup make me look like Shakespeare?" "Four score and seven..." "And 80 bucks ago." "Damn it!" " Ugh." " (glass shatters)" " No, no, I'm so sorry." " Oh!" " I can't touch expensive things." " Oh, no." "We have this whole registry to choose from." "I need it to be awesome." "This is my first destination wedding." "And are the beaches nude?" "And if not, how steep is the fine for going nude on a beach that's not nude?" "Also, do you want to room together?" "Oh... sure." "I haven't received my invitation yet." "Well, you can be my plus-one." "Matt and Colleen are like family to me." "They're the only real friends I have." "So, you know?" "We're like... (laughs)" " Okay, sweetie," " Well... w-where are your shoes?" "Oh, I'm doing this whole, like, Hawaiian thing." " Just, yeah." " Yeah." "But do you know where you left them?" "Uh, there's a turquoise stool somewhere." "Okay." "I just want to get your shoes, and then, we'll go shopping somewhere else." " All right." " All right?" " God, this-this feels nice." " Come on, sweetie." "I think you two need to invite Dougie to your wedding." "What did you do, and how did Dougie get pictures of it?" "No, because she has a good heart." "It's on the wrong side, but then, apparently, all her organs are." " Right." " Uh-huh." "I hung out with Dougie today." " Oh." " Oh." "Well, it's really sweet that you're thinking of her, Joan, but we want to stick to family only." "You know, sometimes family isn't defined just by blood, which is no longer clotting in her feet, by the way." "Wow, you guys went deep today." "(knock on door)" "Dougie, we wanted to talk to you about something." "These are absolutely my pants." "Well, they're totally mine, but we want to talk to you about something else." "We want to invite you to our wedding." "I'm gonna be the maid of honor?" " Ooh." " Oh." "All right, guys!" " (laughs)" " You guys!" "Geez, I mean, what kind of family would we be if we didn't support Mom's dreams?" "A regular one." "Well, you can be regular." "I choose to be irregular." "_" "I'd like to ask you all a favor and I need you to be completely honest with me." "I wonder if you would all read my book and give me your thoughts." "(light muttering)" "I don't know, Joanie." "Th-This was the week I was finally gonna get into sushi." "Well, Professor Wilde thinks that a family gives the most honest feedback, and he wants to moderate a family book club over here." " JOHN:" "Oh." " JEN:" "Oh, well..." "I wouldn't want to use the bar mitzvah excuse again." "You've never used that excuse." "Oh, well, then that's what I have." "Tim and I would love to, but we just started the Bible." "We heard great things." "It's fine." "It's all... it's fine." "It's just fine." "What are we talking about?" "Uh, Mom wants us all to read her book, but unfortunately, none of us can." "What?" "Of course we can." "Come on, make the time, people." "Chop-chop." "Geez, I mean, what kind of family would we be if we didn't support Mom's dreams?" "Sounds good to me." " Yeah, we really..." " I can't wait." " You know what, of course we'll read it." " (overlapping chatter)" "Aw." "Oh, thank you so much." " I'll go get the copies." " Okay." "And don't worry, it's-it's really a quick read." "Before you know it, you'll be like," ""Oh, I'm on page 800." "No way." " I just started." - (laughter)" "I'll be right back." " (laughs)" " Thanks, Greg." "Now we all have to read 800 pages of Mom's erotic fantasies." "Oh, God." "You know, I love Joan, but I'm not gonna read 800 pages unless there's 800 Waldos to find." "Yeah, and-and I still have that bar mitzvah." "Oh." "Son of Joan." " Yeah." " Ah, Professor Wilde." "Your mother invited me to facilitate this literary discussion." "It also gives you a chance to purchase my own masterpiece." "Professor Wilde's Wild Word Searches." "Yes, and if books aren't your thing," "I also operate a mobile car wash where you can also buy my book should you change your mind." "Oh." "(chuckles)" "Yes, good." "(groans)" "Hey, guys." "You ready to talk about Mom's book?" "Oh, man, I-I got to say, I owe you an apology." "Apology accepted." "I thought this was fantastic." " Yeah." " COLLEEN:" "Yes, yes." "I mean, once I got used to the way" " that she spelled vagina, I was hooked." " Well..." "The woman knows longing and now so do I." "Yeah, yeah." "It's great." "I laughed out loud." "Really?" "'Cause it was relentlessly sad." "I mean, a baby died every few pages." "Well, yeah, but between the dead babies," "I mean, there were some solid laughs." "(gasps) You didn't read it, did you?" " (gasps)" " HEATHER:" "Uh-uh." "Of course I did." "Name one character." "Bill Flar... gus." " Nope." " (scoffs)" "Bill Flargus, Esquire?" "Okay, fine, I didn't read the book." " Oh!" " Ah!" " Greg!" "Greg, come on, man!" "You are the only reason that we did this." "Yeah, I mean she dedicated the book to you and there are, like, six characters in there named Greg." "Guys, it's not easy being Mom's north star, okay?" "Look, just tell me what the book is about and I'll fake it." " (laughs)" " Mm-mm." " Oh, no." "N-N-N-N-No way." " Mm." "You guys are being real immature, you know that?" "Daddy!" "Hey, Dad, um, I need your help." "I didn't read Mom's book, so, could you just tell me what happens?" "Aw, Greg, why didn't you read it?" "Well, that thing weighs a ton and you know how bad my back is." "I mean, once Mom put it in the car, there was no way it was coming out, and I don't read while I drive, it's not safe." "Well, that's a lousy excuse." "All right, I'll tell you about the book, but I got to warn you, there's a lot of vajinna talk." "Well, thank you all for coming together for Joan's book, which I personally found incredibly banal." "Oh, no." "You didn't like it?" " Oh, is-is that what that word means?" " Yeah." "Oh dear, looks like I have some online reviews I need to revise." " (Wilde laughs) - (laughs lightly)" "Look, today I need you all to be brutally honest with me." "Well, in that case, I saw Professor Wilde" " going through your underwear drawer." " (laughs nervously)" "Greg, why don't you just get us started here?" "Yes, Gregory," " we'd love to hear your thoughts." " Yeah." "Well, Matthew, Heather, I would be delighted to discuss our mutual mother's novel, 'cause I, for one, loved it." "I thought it was fantastic." "I mean really, just incredible stuff all around." "Inspired, really." "I mean, especially that ending." "I didn't see it coming." " Mm." " Oh, right." "I mean, when the murderer turns out to be the palomino, I mean." "What palomino?" "The palomino with the, uh, the, uh, the v-v-v-vajinna, the fajita." " Wh... uh..." " Mm-hmm." "Oh, you didn't read it, did you?" " (whistles)" " You set me up?" "!" "Dad!" " Oh, Gregory." " Mm." " I can't believe you didn't read our mutual mother's book." " God." "HEATHER:" "The important thing here is that Greg proved himself to be a huge disappointment." "Huge." "Wait, I... your lie has given me an-an idea." "What if Judge Jasmine has been lying to cover up the fact that she gave away her love child, Greg, years ago." "Oh, that-that's brilliant." " Yes!" " What's funny is, I was thinking just the exact same idea right after you said it." "I mean it's genius." "And I don't just bandy that word around, you know?" "Well, it's actually here on your card." "It says, "Genius Car Detail." "Have your car washed by a genius."" "Thank you, honey." "Your lie saved my book." " Oh, boo." " Boo." "Well, h-happy to help, Mom, in any way I can." "And, uh, I know I speak for everyone here, especially Matthew and Heather, when I say we can't wait to read your rewrite." " Yeah." " Yeah, we're looking forward to it."