"(Woman sobbing)" "Don't cry." "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it." "You're not fat." "Or stupid." "I got carried away." "You're not ugly or boring." "You've got loads of hair." "I'm sorry, I was angry." "Course you've got a neck and ankles." "Evil - it's just a word, it doesn't mean anything." "Words just fall out of my mouth like "you", "local", "bike"." " It's the heat of the moment." " (Sobbing)" "I've seen a bag of spanners - you're much prettier." "That's not a moustache, just nasal shadow." "You mustn't take me so seriously - you don't belong in a circus!" "And after all, you've got to ask yourself - what do I know?" " (Sobbing)" " I'm just a health visitor." "So, where is the little fella?" "Ow!" "(Phone )" "Phone!" " Phone's ringing!" " I'm busy!" "You get it!" "I can't, it's on..." "it's on the balcony!" "(Breathing nervously)" "You still got vertigo?" "You've had that for weeks." "Hello?" "Hello?" "Oh." "I don't think so." "I'll check." "Mandy!" "Phone for you!" "Mandy!" "Mandy!" "No, I don't know where she is." "I'm Vince, I live here." " Errol, is there a Mandy living here?" " No." "What does she look like?" "No, definitely not." "Yeah, looks like you have dialled the wrong..." "Whoa, whoa." "I'm wasting your time?" "I've had to walk from the other end of my flat." "I'm a very busy man." "I was halfway through a sheet of bubble wrap." "But I have to drop everything cos some chubby-fingered idiot like you can't press buttons with numbers on." " Vince, can you bring the phone back in?" " What?" "Vince, can you..." "Can you bring the phone back in, please?" "Oh, I've done it..." "I'm a bit busy, I'll do it later." " Who was it?" " Friend of Mandy's." "Bit harsh." " What?" " I thought that was a bit harsh." " He was wasting my time." " Yeah, but it was a mistake." " Yeah, I know!" " He didn't mean it." "Exactly!" "Yeah, but if he rang for Mandy a-and Mandy doesn't live here and then y-you answered and was annoyed" " and then he-he obviously didn't..." " You're getting confused." "Let me explain it in the way of, like, a metaphor." "There's a bloke, living in a tower block getting on with his life, bit of bubble wrap." "Another bloke, he's trying to get in touch with Mandy." "Now, anyone can see, that's a recipe for - pow!" " disaster." "You see now?" "Yeah." "Five!" "One, two, three, four, five." "Treatment card." "What's it say?" ""You have been sectioned at a maximum security psychiatric hospital." ""Miss two goes." (Nerdy laugh)" "(Coughs ) One, two, three." "(Groaning)" "D'oh! "You've been caught dressed up as your mother again." ""Request for laxatives denied!"" "My go again!" "(Nerdy laugh)" "Four." "One, two, three, four." ""You've beaten a manic-depressive at table tennis."" "Yes!" " "Collect two fags."" " Oh, yes!" "♪ Good King Wenceslas looked out" "♪ On the feast of Stephen" "♪ And I was the winner ♪" "(Grunting to tune )" "Oh..." "Come on..." "Six!" "Yes!" "One, two, three, four, five, six." "Treatment card." "What's it say?" "!" ""Your medication is being reduced." "You are allowed to wear a belt."" "Yes!" "They said I was mad!" "Five." "One, two, three, four, five." "Treatment card." "What's it say?" " Tea." " I haven't got time to drink tea." "I'm snowed under." "Do I look like I've got time to drink tea?" "I don't know." "I just thought you might like a nice cup of tea." " You havin' a go?" " No." "What d'you think?" "Black or white?" " Not now." " Sorry." " Busy day, then?" " (Sighs )" "It's ridiculous." "I don't know how I'm gonna get it all done." "I've gotta post two letters." "Not one - two!" "Yeah?" "Buy some vitamins, get a paper... and get my holiday snaps developed." " When did you go on holiday?" " Couple of years ago," "I just haven't had a chance to get 'em done." " Also I've got to watch the rest of Catchphrase." " It was brilliant!" "The picture was a bird, it was 4:30 in the morning and there's a worm..." "Early bird catches the worm!" " Yeah, that's right." " But what did the bloke say?" "He got it right as well." "Won't bother watching that, then." "Anyway, I like being busy." "I love sending letters." "What's enjoyable about posting a letter?" "Fair enough, when you're five, it's a treat - push it through the big red mouth." " But that soon wears off." " Think who you're sending it to and their smile when they open it." "(Thinks) "Dear Jimmy Somerville." ""How long is it since you had a hit?" "Ten years?" ""Why don't you give up, if you haven't already?" "ByeI"" ""Dear Emlyn Hughes." ""Busy?"" "(Bell dings )" "Errol?" "." "Oh, sorry, I thought you were someone else." "Cos...cos of the trainers." "I'd better go, got to get this...ooh." "Sorry, I'll get out your way." "Please, go, I've only got one left!" "No, with the new ones you get five." "Oh, it's an old one - you only get four." "(Tapping film on table )" " C'n 'elp you?" " Pardon?" " Can I help you?" " Yeah, I wanna get these developed." "D'you want one hour, two... (Mumbles )" "What was the third one, again?" "(Mumbles )" "I'll try that one, might be fun." "(Sighs ) Four-twenty." "Four pounds twenty pence?" "Yeah!" " There you go." " (Sighs )" "So, er, when do I pick them up?" "Come back... (Mumbles )" " Tomorrow?" " No, come back... (Mumbles )" " Next week?" " Come back... (Mumbles )" " Could you write it down, actually?" " (Tuts )" "Could you print it?" " Oh, this afternoon!" " You deaf or something?" "!" " Do you know who I am?" " No." "I'm a plain-clothes customer relations officer." "Do you know what that means?" "No." "I'm the chief snooper for Flashysnaps." "Oh, yeah." "You were favourite for Employee of the Month but when you collect the award you've got to make a speech and frankly, Miss..." "Redknapp," "I don't think you're up to it." "Well done." "(Slurps )" "(Grunts )" "(Exhales )" "Come on, baby, come on, baby." "I need a five, I'm on day release." "(Laughs ) Two!" "(Groans )" "(Moronic laughter)" "Treatment card." "(Snorting)" "(Manic laughter)" "(Electricity crackling)" "(Moronic laughter)" "So, where you been then, Vince?" " Library?" " No." "Oh, course, no books." " Snooker?" " No." " Am I warm?" " No." "You've been... selling your liver to a rich Arab prince?" "No." "Silly me, you've only got one liver." " Been to a gallery?" " (Sighs )" "No." "Art's rubbish, innit?" " Sketchley's?" " No." " Kent?" " No." "Rowing?" "Screwing?" "Right, here we are." "This is us getting on the plane." " Remember that?" " Oh, yeah!" " That's the hotel." " It was right on the beach." "Yeah." "There's our room." "This is the view from our room, only you can't see it properly cos they censored it." " He'd only just got up." " Morning glory. (Grunts )" "(Both laugh)" "This is the pool at night..." "They censored that as well - I was only having having a bit of fun." "You both look good with a tan. (Chuckles )" "Thanks." " This is the hire car." " What you can see of it." "(Woman ) The bonnet got very hot." "Oh, this is a really nice couple we met" " Pete and Sue." "From Gloucester." "I've seen them in the magazines." "Oh, here they are again." "Difficult to tell - according to Flashysnaps they were performing an... (Both) Unnatural act." " (Tuts )" " I do love an all-over tan. (Laughs )" "Ooh, and this picture is a little slice of history because until this picture was taken that ground was considered sacred." "(Chuckling)" "Right...shall we?" "(Giggling)" "(Laughing)" "Anyone phoned since that wrong number?" " No." " Better do 1471." "Hello?" "Yeah, is...is Mandy there?" "No, this isn't a wrong number." "I meant to phone you." "Well, I was busy when you phoned me." "Anyway, is she there?" "I know she doesn't live there." "She doesn't here but that didn't stop you pestering me." " (Toilet flushes )" " Is there someone in the toilet?" " Yeah." "Sergeant Hamilton." " What?" "Can I call you later?" "Yeah." "What time d'you go to bed?" "He's been waiting for you." "Why didn't you say?" "You really should leave that bloke alone." " I'm the innocent one." " Innocent of what, Mr Clark?" " Nothing!" " Innocent of nothing?" "Are you guilty of everything?" " I'm not guilty." " Of what?" "I don't know." "You're not guilty of something you don't know about?" "No, I'm saying I don't know what I'm not guilty of." "That's my job - to find out." "Do you mind if I put some music on?" "Look, what's this all about?" "Are these your photographs?" "Oh!" "That's the service she was going on about." "(Mumbles )" "Your photos delivered in fancy dress." "Nice one." "You may have noticed that one of the photos is missing." "This one." "A very clear photograph of you holding a dead swan." " That came out well..." " ( # Thrash metal)" "DID YOU KILL THIS SWAN, MR CLARK?" "!" "WHAT?" "!" "DID YOU KILL THIS SWAN?" "!" "NO!" "I DID NOT KILL THAT SWAN!" "I THINK YOU'VE GOT SOME EXPLAINING TO DO!" "ARE YOU A REAL POLICEMAN?" "!" " YEAH!" " HOLD ON!" "Errol!" "Turn that music down!" "(Music continues )" " (Music stops ) - (Errol) Sorry!" "I hope you realise, Mr Clark, that killing a swan is a serious offence." "I didn't kill it!" "Then why are you holding it up as a trophy?" "I was moving it." "I was about to put it in the bin when my ex-girlfriend took a photograph." "I mean, have a look at the picture, right?" "Forget the swan, the swan's not there." "Concentrate on the expression on my face." "That is not the face of a killer." "No, you're laughing your head off." "It was quite funny, actually, as she was taking the photo the other swan was behind her, she didn't realise, it was about to attack her." "It was hilarious." "Broke her arm." "It wasn't that funny." "If you didn't kill the swan, who did?" "No one, it flew into a tree." "Swans don't fly into trees!" "Some do." " Cup of tea?" "Coffee?" "Squash?" " No, thanks." "You'll have to accompany me to the station." " Why?" " Milk?" "Apple juice?" "No, I'm fine." "On suspicion of killing one of Her Majesty's swans." " Was it one of hers?" " They all are!" "Lemonade." "I've got Nesquik..." "Perhaps something stronger, like a sherry?" "Or a Guinness?" "No." "I do not want anything... to drink." "Toast?" "Ice cream?" "Falafel?" "." "Or eat." "(Woman screaming, banging)" "(Man ) Oh!" "Yeah, yeah!" " What's he in for?" " Killing a swan." "What'd he do?" "He killed a swan." "Oh, I thought it was, like, you know, chasing the dragon or..." "No." "What's your favourite crime, Sarge?" "I like a good murder." "Or something light-hearted like..." "a siege in a bra factory." "What about you?" "Criminal damage." "You have two choices - you go to court on a cruelty charge, you lose, you get six months." "What?" "Six months what?" " Prison." " For a swan?" "!" "Or you plea bargain against an old legal loophole dating back to 1586 - reckless conduct likely to, er, harm or destroy Her Majesty's wildfowl... punishable by half a day in the stocks." "But..." "I didn't do it." "I've seen the picture." "Do you want six months or half a day?" " I didn't do it!" " Look at the photo." "You are laughing your head off and holding a dead swan." " Any idiot can see what you've been doing." " I know, I know." "It looks bad." "It looks very bad." "Do you want half a day or six months?" "But I was putting it in the bin..." "Half a day or six months?" "I was just trying to tidy up the river bank..." "All right, six months." " (Sighs )" " Wait, wait." "Hold on, hold on... (Muttering)" " (Woman wailing) - (Banging)" "(Man ) Yes!" "Yes!" "Whoa!" "(Woman screaming, man moaning)" " Errol, I need the phone." " I won't be long." " This is an emergency." " Shh, it's ringing!" "Hello, are you the lady who's been looking for her cat?" "Yeah, I saw your poster, black cat with a white spot." "Mr Chuffington?" "Yeah..." "Hello?" "Yeah, I saw your cat as well." "About half an hour ago, it was ingrained in the tread of an Eddie Stobart lorry." "I don't know if it was dead, it was going round too fast." "Treat yourself to a new one." "Why'd you do that?" "Sorry, I've got to phone my ex-girlfriend." "(Ringing)" "Hello." "Hi, Jill, Vince here." " Hello?" " What do you want?" "How are you?" "Still working for that jeweller?" "What do you want?" "Remember we went camping and we had that bit of bother with the swans?" "Sorry." "I'm having the pins taken out of my arm in 2003." "Sorry." "The police think I'm lying about that swan committing suicide." "They think I killed it." "I was wondering if you'd be my witness." " No." " But I'm gonna be publicly humiliated." "You can still be put in the stocks for it." " No!" " Yeah." " When?" " Saturday." " Do you need tickets?" " Dunno." "Carol, Geri, what are you doing Saturday?" "You're not gonna help, are you?" " Did you kill that swan?" " No!" "I wouldn't go near one." "They're terrifying." "You should've seen the mess the other one made of Jill." "She had a web mark on her forehead." "If I hadn't belted it with a frying pan she'd be dead now." "What happened to that one?" "I killed it." "Vicious bastard." "All right?" "I'm Grant, I live next door." "(Softly) Hello, I'm Sam." " You've just moved in?" " Yeah, at the weekend." " Settling in OK?" " Yes, thanks." "There's a lot of decorating to do." " You'll be doing that yourself?" " Yeah, I love it." "Hmm." "Er, do you work local, do you?" "Mm, at the town hall." "They've got good sports facilities, haven't they?" " Do they?" " Brilliant football team." "Do you play football?" "." " No." " Right." "Um, look, I know this might seem a bit awkward but, um... since you moved in, me and my missus we was sort of wondering, um..." "Are you a girl or a bloke?" "That is so rude." "I didn't mean to offend you!" "No, because we're new neighbours I was wondering if we fall out whether I could punch you or not." "No." "Right." "What sort of hinges d'you use?" "Don't use hinges, use hazelwood pegs." "Oh, lovely job, mate." "Oh, thanks." "It's traditional." "Goes back to olde worlde times." "We use all olde worlde tools." "Apart from the drill." "And the van." "Oh, God, it's just like being up on a stage here." "You are." "That's what this is." "This is the perfect marriage..." "of justice and entertainment." "Way ahead of its time." "Don't suppose you get to make 'em much these days." "Oh, yeah, very busy." "Mainly export." "You can, er... have a go if you want." "Oh, brilliant!" "Cheers!" "Go on." "Can you let me out, please, I wanna go toilet." "Thanks." " (Hammering)" " Make sure there's no splinters in that!" " You bastard!" " (Phone )" "It's terrible what's going on and I just want you to know that some of us are appalled." "I've made a banner and I'm going to protest throughout the whole ordeal." "Um, thanks." " Is there anything else I can do for you?" " No." " I can sit with you, if you like." " No, no..." "Do...do I know you?" "You're a fellow human being and all suffering affects me." "Hm." "What, like, people you've never met?" "Yes." "Are you telepathic or something?" "No." "I mean, do you get happy when they're happy or is it like a sort of one-way misery thing?" "I'm only trying to help." "Yeah, I'm sorry." "Sorry." "I'm just a bit stressed." "Actually, there is something you can do." "What?" "Get your roots done, you look like a badger!" "(Banging and gasping)" "(Man ) Where did you learn to do that?" "(Laughs )" "Takes his time, doesn't he?" "No, no, you don't understand." "I'm gonna be in the stocks." "Yeah, like in olden times." "Er, about half an hour." "That's strange, there's..." "there's no one down there." "Of course!" "They're boycotting it!" "That's the one thing I'd forgotten about, the basic human decency of ordinary people." "Yeah, I feel much better." "Thanks." "And if you can't remember a simple set of numbers get someone else to dial!" "I should've realised, this is the 21st century." "People simply won't tolerate this kind of public savagery." "It's good to know that the human heart beats loudest when faced with injustice." "That's what separates us from the chimps." "(Crowd cheering)" "Ohh, no, no, all right, all right... everybody drink up, it starts in half an hour." " Let's get him!" " (All cheering)" "Dear..." "Wayne Sleep." "Haven't seen you dancing for a while." "Lost your pumps?" " You havin' a go?" " No." "What's the matter?" "Well, I'm gonna have stuff thrown at me." "I don't like having stuff thrown at me." "My mum said the amount of stuff that gets thrown at you is a good way of telling how popular you are." " Hm?" " Lots of stuff - bad." "That means I've got nothing to worry about!" " Why's that?" " People like me round here." " Really?" " Yeah, I'm quite popular." "I don't think you are." "I'm not saying they love me but there's a warmth." " No, there isn't." " Why are you saying that?" "You wanna take a look out there." "It is buzzing!" "There's a real party atmosphere." "Fat ladies dancing with coppers, they're serving gypsies in the pub." "It's like they're livin' la vida loca." " You're not going, are you?" " Yeah!" "I was in a bit of a quandary so I phoned my mum, and she said, "Son, this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity." ""You missed the eclipse, your TB vaccinations" ""and your nan's first cappuccino." ""Now go out there, enjoy yourself" ""and be like the others!"" " If you throw one thing at me..." " What?" "I dunno, I'm a bit stressed, but there'll be consequences." " I'm watching you." " (Phone )" "Very exciting scenes here as the prisoner mounts the platform." "He looks frightened as a rabbit, in ironic contrast to the graceful, serene creature whose life he so carelessly ended." " (Crowd booing) - (Man ) Swan killer!" "And we're lucky to have a celebrity guest to start the punishment." "International star of world darts, Bobby George!" " (Cheering)" " Missed!" "Ha ha!" "Bastard!" "Ow!" "Bastard!" "It's only a swan!" " (Errol yelling)" " You bastard!" "(Crowd cheering and yelling)" "Bastard!" "Ow!" "So, where you been then, Vince?" " Cinema?" " No." "Funfair?" "Royal tournament?" "(Sighs ) No." "Course, wrong time of year." "Delivering pizzas in a safari park?" " No." " Oh." "Let me think." "White suit covered in tomatoes..." "Amsterdam!" " (Errol) Sorry about before." " It's fine." "Don't worry about it." "(Errol) Got a bit carried away." "Forget about it." "(Errol) So, um, what were the consequences?" "Nothing much." "It's aversion therapy." "One day you'll pluck up courage to go out on that balcony and your reward - a lovely pair of trainers."