"This is from BoJack H. BoJack is nine years old." ""When I grow up, I want to be like you." "I'm on the right track." "Get it?" "Track?" "Because horses run on tracks and you are a horse." "And I am a horse." "Do you get it?" "Do you get my joke about the track?"" " There's a whole page of this." " Should I write him, tell him I get it?" "He goes on. "My question for you is:" "I am a good kid and I like to play, and I like to go to school, but sometimes I get sad." "What do you do when you get sad?" "How do you not be sad?"" "Oh, big stud, running off to gallivant with your fillies." "Is that to impress me?" "I can smash a dinner plate, too." "That's a salad plate." "I thought these were salad plates." "Those are saucers." "Why do we even have saucers?" "We don't drink tea." "Those saucers are for entertaining!" "Oh, yeah?" "Well, I'm exit-taining." "Do you get it? But, uh, seriously, folks." "Right? Don't sit so close to the TV, it'll make you cruel." "You know, I was beautiful" " before I got pregnant." " I know." " You ruined me, BoJack." " I know." "You better grow up to be something great to make up for all the damage you've done." "I will." "...and I just kept running." "BoJack..." "Okay, enough me being a great mom." "I'm gonna go hide your father's heart medication." "Enjoy your dumb little TV show." "♪♪" "The first thing is, you gotta believe that change is possible." "You have to tell yourself every day:" ""I can change and I will change."" " I can change and I will change." " Louder." "I can change and I will change." " Still can't hear you." " You're an audiobook." ""I've got a new attitude."" "That's what your face should be saying to everyone you pass on the street." "We call that the PANTS approach." "P-A-N-T-S." "People all need to see." "People all need to see." "Yeah, a little to the right." "No, house right." "That's an acting term." "It means left." "I'm an actor." "No." " BoJack, why did I wake up in an alley?" " I had to get rid of the old couch, Todd." "While I was sleeping on it?" "The couch was a metaphor for my old attitude." "My audiobook told me I had to let go of the burdens of my life sofa." "Oh, you know what?" "Maybe it was "my life so far."" "I feel like you could've woken me up first." "Todd, no one can wake anybody else up." "You need to wake yourself up." "I don't know if I trust this new guy." "I'm just gonna go sleep in your car." " Uh-oh." "I think someone needs a FAB." " A FAB?" "FAB, stands for fresh active BNA." " BNA?" " Brand-new attitude." "Try to keep up." "ATTITUDE stands for attention to" "Did you also get rid of my stuff?" "Where's my duffel bag?" "I value you." "Hashtag "thank you for being a friend."" "Hashtag "PANTS." You got to conquer that hill." "The hill is a metaphor." "Everything is a metaphor." " You are literally a metaphor." " Oh, my God." "Oh, my God, this is the worst." "This feels awful." "Why does anybody run?" "On your right." "And she had no idea that her boyfriend was the strangler." "I guess some people just see what they wanna see, right, Vincent?" "Um..." " Yeah." " Hey, Princess Carolyn." "I gotta go." "One of my dumb-ass clients is here." "Just out for a jog, thought I'd say hello." "I jog now." "You jogged here from Laurel Canyon?" "I drove, but I moved my arm a bunch, so the Fitbit counted the miles." "Uh, someone named BoJark Hoseman is here?" " Thank you, Stuart." " Also, your coffee is coming late." " Just like you ordered." " I said "latte."" "Ah." "Well, I wrote down "late," so that's what it's gonna be." " What happened to Laura?" " Assistants are like Belushi brothers." "Good ones leave too soon, bad ones never go away." "It's a beautiful day, though, right?" "Every morning is a miracle." "Hashtag "miracle." Hashtag "every morning."" "Hashtag "every morning is a miracle." Hashtag "BoJack thoughts."" "I'm glad you found your bliss, but are you ready for your first day on set tomorrow?" "You mean, am I amped?" "Because I am so pumped." "This Secretariat movie is a big deal." "Please do not blow it." "Why would I blow it?" "I have a brand-new attitude." "You know, when I won that Golden Globe last month, I went to a very dark place." "I was in a hole." "And I realized, "I can wallow in this hole or I can change."" "While I was tempted to go with the former, sometimes the only way out of a hole is a latter." " No pun intended." " You clearly intended that pun." "Princess Carolyn, you gotta believe in the AHP of TPE." "Huh." " Uh-uh." "I'm not asking." " The awesome healing power" " I am not asking." " --of total positive energy." "You should leave because I'm about to pretend to get a phone call." "Hello?" "No, he's still here." " No, he's not taking the hint somehow." " Mm-hm." "Honey, where's my bandana?" "You chewed it up, we had to throw it away, remember?" "No, not that one." "The one with the bones on it." "With the meat juice stains?" "The one I wore to the Emmys." "I don't know." "I gotta go." "BoJack's gonna be here any minute." "Did you check the hall closet?" "I can't see anything in this stupid thing." "I know, Mr. Peanutbutter." "But you gotta keep it on for one more week." "I look like an idiot." "You look very responsible." "Is the bandana doing anything? Hey, work buddy, first day on the job, huh?" "Hashtag "great day to start fresh at a new job, sincerely, BoJack."" " @Diane." " Can't believe you wanted to carpool." " Gotta save the planet, Diane." " Hey, is that BoJack Horseman?" "I don't know because I have no peripheral vision." "Going off of smell here." "Mr. Peanutbutter, how the hell are you?" " Loving it, buddy." "Loving life." " Brother, I am right there with you." "I got a brand-new attitude and I am also loving life." "Uh..." "Diane, look at us." "A couple life-lovers over here." " Uh..." " Is that a new cone?" "Looking sharp, PB." "It is a new cone." "Is it obvious I'm wearing a cone?" "Didn't notice." "You've got the smile of a winner." " What's going on?" " I have to wear the cone so I don't gnaw on the stitches I had to get when I punched a mirror last week." "I got drunk and thought my reflection was another dog." "I was so mad at that other dog." "He was wearing my clothes." " We've all been there." " I don't understand what's happening." "Did someone say something to the left?" "Diane, is that you?" "Hey, why don't we just us two schedj a hang for this 'kend?" ""'Kend" is how I say weekend now." "Uh, I love that." "And I got a pair of tix to the 'Stones show this 'kend." " Wanna go?" " The Rolling Stones?" "What?" "Oh, no, no, no." "The Mighty Mighty Bosstones." "I'm not really familiar with that outfit, but I do love trying new things." " Who are you?" " Anyway, we gotta get to work." "It was really great talking to you, Mr. Peanutbutter." "All right, break a leg, good buddy." "Diane, BoJack's ready to go." "Where are you, sweetheart?" "Are you ready?" "The house is a metaphor for a home." "Happiness is a metaphor for change." "Happiness is a metaphor" " Where are we going?" " Oh, my God." "BoJack, this is Corduroy Jackson-Jackson, your costar." " Hey, man." " Corduroy Jackson-Jackson." "Oh, right, the underwear guy." "Underwear model/actor/dancer/dreamer." "Also, you know, I'm a huge fan." "I'm so excited/amped/pumped to be working with you." "Yeah." "Hey, man, that's fantastic/great/I-ran-out-of-things." " Hi." "Kelsey Jannings?" " That depends." " Are you my ex-wife's lawyer?" " I'm Diane." "I'm here to be a character consultant." " What?" " I got a call from the studio." "Okay." "Why don't you stand over there and make sure no one trips over that cable?" " This cable?" " Do you have a thousand dollars?" " What?" " Because each minute" "I spend talking to you, that's how much money I'm wasting." " Oh." "Sorry." " Hey, who's this guy?" " Who let this guy in?" " I just" "He's got a funny face." "I like your face." " Thank you." " What a cute funny face." "Cookie?" "Can someone get this guy a cookie?" "He's got a soothing face and I like looking at it." " Like a Matisse painting." " Whoa." "Guys, could I get everyone's attention, please?" "Oh, watch out for the cable." "Don't trip over the cable." "I just want everyone to know what an honor it is to be here." "Secretariat has always been a personal hero of mine." "A complex role that requires a precise touch and a deft hand and I just can't wait to tackle it head-on." "It's truly an honor." "Namaste." "Neat." "So, in this scene, Secretariat's at his lowest." "He just lost his first race, his father was sent to the glue factory." "It's a dark moment." " You got it." " Scene 22 alpha, take one." " Action!" " Hey, Secretariat." "What are you doing here?" " Hello?" " Diane!" "I can't tell you how disappointed I am you're not here with me in Northern Cordovia." "I'm incredibly disappointed." "Boo!" "I didn't think I could do it, but I did it." "I'm amazing." "Sebastian, I know you're doing important work." "I couldn't just drop everything and fly to the Third World." " I just got married, and" " Diane." "People are dying, and I'm witnessing it." "And I need people to witness me witnessing it." "I know, and I'll be there in three months, as soon as I'm done on the movie." "This is also important." "In a way." "Well, lucky for you, there'll still be just as much famine and war and devastation in three months." "I'm not dead yet." " Yep." "Lucky me." " We're still rolling, people." "So, BoJack, in this scene, Secretariat is sad, right?" "Afraid he's gonna lose his scholarship." "Oh, sure." "Yeah, sad." "Of course." "Duh." "Okay, here we go." "Action." "Hey, Secretariat." "What are you doing here?" "That was bad." "I know that was bad." "Let's keep it rolling." " I'll say when to keep rolling." " Okay." "What are you doing here?" "Did we get it?" "I can tell by your face that we didn't." "All right, let me try again." "What are you doing--?" "I am having trouble with the words." "Is it okay if I play around with it a bit?" "When did you get here?" "Sorry, no." "Got it." "Got it." "Got it." "Man, these lights are bright, huh?" "Can we kill these lights at all?" "Is that a--?" " No." " Okay, I'm sad." "I'm sad." "Acting sad." "Secretariat is sad." "Okay, here we go." "I'm sad!" "Sorry, what was the line?" "I don't know if this helps or not, but when Secretariat was a kid" " he actually" " Aah!" " My face!" " Hey, hey." " Whoa, whoa!" " Oh, my God." "Watch out!" "Hey." "Whoa, whoa!" "Oh, my God." "My face." "My beautiful face." "Why didn't someone tell me not to trip over that cable?" "It was such an important job, but no one was there to do it and now my face is in ruins." "We're gonna need a couple of days to rebuild this set." "So, let's all just use this time to regroup and really figure out what we're doing and why we're here." "So, let me get this straight." "Bad means good?" "Maybe you should leave the teen-talk to me." "Jeezy Kableezy." "Well, it wasn't Ibsen." "That's your takeaway?" "That your son's TV show wasn't Ibsen?" "I'm sorry." "Did you need a compliment?" "Oh, I loved the part where you got your head caught in the banister." " Yeah" " And what's this letter I have?" "It's from the government saying, "I'm proud of you."" " Are you--?" " No, what I'm holding is nothing." "Can you check on our drinks?" "I would love some gin." "I wouldn't drink anything out of an open container." "This town is full of AIDS." " That's not" " You're a clown, you know that?" "You've always been a pillar of support." "Gin, please?" "Is there gin coming?" "I'm here, aren't I?" "I suffered through that ordeal." "You know, the man sitting next to me was wearing a T-shirt?" "A T-shirt, BoJack, in the theater." "Yes, a T-shirt." "Worst thing that's happened to anyone in a theater." " The T-shirt told me to "just do it."" " Here we go." "I don't know to what "it" the T-shirt referred but I won't be spoken to in that tone by an article of clothing." "Vodka?" "Triple sec?" "Looking for any alcohol." "You don't know how lucky you are." "I hope you die before I do so you never know what it's like to lose a mother." "As long as one of us dies, that's good enough." "Can we please get some alcohol into my mouth?" "The past is past." "That's why it's called the past." "Tomorrow is an opportunity." "You can be big and proud and bang on your tom-tom drum or you can get in your boat and row." "Tom or row." "Tomorrow." " Hey, do you wanna talk?" " Talk?" "Why?" "Why would we do that?" "So you can put everything in a book and sell a million copies?" "Wow." "Uh..." "That's what the old me would have said." "The new me doesn't hold a grudge." " No." " I gotta say, the new you seems a little on edge." "What?" "Me?" "I'm as cool as The Fonz in a meat locker." "That's a metaphor, Diane." " It's a simile." " Goddamn it." "Oh, okay." "Hello?" "Small talk, small talk, small talk." "Are you blowing it?" " I heard you're blowing it." " What?" "Who told you that?" "Was it Todd?" "You gotta turn this ship around, BoJ." "If you don't" "Hey, can you hold on a second?" "I'm getting another call." "Well, if it isn't my friend, Rutabaga, the boy prince of the 26th floor." "Carolyn." "How are things all the way up on 27?" "Stomp once for good, twice for killing it." "Killing..." "Give me some gossip." "My wife is making me go to the opera tonight." "I need something to distract me from the thought of D-bags singing songs in German about their boners." "Okay, you gotta keep this close to the vest but I am inches from getting Emily VanCamp the lead in Goose Van Sant's new movie about Jackie O." "My clients would f-l-ip if I got them parts like that." "You're killing it in the department of kicking ass in regards to you being an agent and being good at it, crushing it." "You're not so bad yourself, Rutabaga, for a 26er." "You're the only one in this building who isn't a total snooze-cooze." "Yes, Natasha, I'm talking about you." "I know you're listening." "Ugh." "I gotta go." "I made Natasha cry." "I don't think she's coming back." "Could we keep it down in the front, please?" " Thank you." " What am I gonna do?" "Well, you were an actor for nine years on Horsin' Around." "How did you do that?" "Uh..." " Hey, can I talk to you for a minute?" " Of course, buddy." "I always have time for you, my good friend BoJack in this, the year 1988." "Have a seat." "Hey, enough with the stomping already!" " Am I" " Am I a clown?" " Oh, brother." "Didn't I tell you not to invite your mom to the taping?" "As Max Headroom would say, "Your m-m-mom is a b-b-bitch."" "But I am a good actor, right?" "BJ, I don't know." "Look-- You know what you're good at?" "Hitting your mark, saying your lines, loudly with good diction." "Should I be doing more?" "To capture the character" " and make the audience connect?" " This is a situation comedy." "No one watches this show to feel feelings." "Life is depressing enough already." "You bring joy to millions of people." "Maybe someday later, you'll need to learn how to act for real." "But for now, don't worry about it." "Oh, shit." "I'm not an actor." "All this time, I assumed there was more to me than everyone thought but maybe there isn't." "That's the part where you're supposed to disagree with me." "Oh, right." "Well, you got the part, didn't you?" "What did you do in the audition?" "Well, how should I know?" "That was the old me." "Now I've got a brand-new attitude." "Oh, God." "Okay." "Okay." "What should I do?" "Make a break for it?" "Drive to Mexico?" "Start a new life there?" "Meet a local girl?" "Fall in love?" "Talk my way into a job at a textile plant?" "Work my way up until I own the place?" "What am I talking about?" "I can't run a textile plant." "Too much responsibility." "What am I gonna do?" "The walls are closing in!" "BoJack, breathe." "You can do this." "You have two days." "Maybe you could hire an acting coach." " Yeah?" " Yeah." "Plus, you can watch old Secretariat videos." "I've got a hard drive full of research." "Yeah." "Yeah, you're right." "You're right." "I can do this." "I've got two whole days." "And when the pressure's on, that's when I shine." "Yeah." "Two days." "I can do all those things." "Oh, shit." "I didn't do any of those things." " What are you doing here?" " Ah!" "That was it." "Say that again." "What are you doing here?" " Okay." " No?" "BoJack, before we get started" " I wanted to show you this." " What?" "This is the machine that's gonna make you a good actor." " Really?" " No." "We need to make a scan of your face so that if you die, we can finish the movie." "Standard procedure." "When a star is assessed to be of a certain liability, like if there was a whole book written about what a reckless jackass he is, you make a digital replica so you're not screwed if he goes all Belushi on you." " Wait, which Belushi?" " Hold still, please." " Terrific." "We got it." " One day, that's gonna be the job." "Sit for five seconds while a machine scans his face." "Six months later, plugging a movie on Kimmel." "I gotta go on Kimmel now?" "What if he makes me read a mean tweet?" "I'm not emotionally prepared." "Don't worry so much." "If you can't do this part we'll just fire you and get someone else who can." "Either way, I'll be fine." "" " What do you need, BoJack?" "I don't know." "I thought I wanted this, but now I'm feeling all this pressure." " Think you made a mistake, hiring me?" " I don't make mistakes, BoJack." "I do the crossword in Sharpie, I never learned the shortcut for undo." " Command-Z." " Don't need it, won't use it." "I'm trying to have this new attitude, be this better, more positive guy." "I keep thinking about how this movie is my last shot at happiness." "Well, BoJack, I hope this helps:" "I don't care if you are happy or not." "You have a job to do." "This guy again?" "I'm in love with this kid." "I wanna put you in my pocket." " You're adorable." " Aw." " Hey, Diane, you're a writer, aren't you?" " Yes." "Yes." "I am a writer." "What do you need?" "Can you write on a sign "watch out for cable"?" "You were telling people, but it's a really important job and a sign is less likely to get distracted." "Oh." "Yeah." "Okay." "What are you doing here?" "What are you doing here?" "What are you doing here?" " What are you doing here?" " So, I went a little overboard and I made you two mixes." "The first CD is all Mighty Mighty." "The second CD is all of the Bosstones' side projects and solo singles." "Listen to it and imagine the band never took that hiatus in the mid-aughts when America briefly lost interest in ska." "I don't have time." "I don't wanna listen to your music." "I don't wanna hang out." "Get out of here." "All right." "You don't wanna listen to Bosstones together." "That's the impression that I get." " Is it the impression that I get?" " Yes." "That's the impression that you get." "I see." "Way to go, Mr. Peanutbutter." "What a stupid move." "Why did you--? BoJack, listen, I know you're scared, but it's gonna be okay." " You gotta be strong." " Yeah, but" "You gotta rise to the occasion, okay?" "So what if the new couch is weird?" " Or lumpy?" " Uh, what?" "What are you gonna do?" "Just sleep in BoJack's car forever?" " Are you talking to me, or you--?" " Damn it, time to stop being a coward." "It's time to go home and sleep on BoJack's couch." "Hurray!" "Happy ending for Todd! Charley Witherspoon, 28th floor agent." "Charley." "Listen, I wanted to touch base about Emily's start date on Jackie O." "Oh, yeah." "Uh..." "Well, we got some new screen tests and, uh, Goose decided to go in a different direction." "Are you saying the Van Sant camp wants to recant on VanCamp?" "Because they can't." "Uh..." "Charley, you better get your client to change his mind" " or I'll walk up to the 28th floor and" " Just kidding." " I can't get to the phone right now." " What?" "This is one of those answering machines that sounds like it's Charley talking but it's actually just an answering machine." " I know you're there, Charley." " Leave a message." " I'm not gonna leave a message." " Beep." "Hey, Charley, Princess Carolyn again." "Listen" " Mailbox is full." " What?" "Mailbox full?" " Error." "Message deleted." " Wait" " No" "Gotta go." "Bye." "Carolyn." "Rutabaga, this is not a good time." "Okay." "Can I please just tell you about the opera, though?" " How did you like the opera?" " I loved it." "Loved Tristan, loved Isolde, cried like a bunny." "Listen, my brain has been a-buzzing for the past few days thinking about that Jackie O movie." "I know it's your baby, but I did make a few calls and got my Rooney a screen test." "I put that movie together for my client." "No, no, no, don't freak out." "It's just a screen test." "But, honestly, how fantaj would my Rooney be as a young Jackie Bouv?" "Stomp once for so fantaj, twice for stupid-fantaj." "Carolyn?" "I only heard one stomp." "Oh." "Carolyn, I heart you." "You're beautiful." "I wish I met you before I got married." "You can do it." "Only you hold the keys to the house that is you." "The house is at the top of a hill." "The hill is also you." "Five minutes, Mr. Horseman." "When you get your new attitude, you're gonna wave goodbye to the old-- What do you want, Mom?" "Look who finally decided to pick up the phone." " Do you need more blood?" " I don't need blood." " I read your book, BoJack." " Oh." "It takes a real narcissist to think anyone wants to buy a book about him." "You know how I feel about Anne Frank." " That was a diary." " I read the parts about me." "The things I said to you." "You must think I'm a real monster." " Mom" " I don't wanna fight you, BoJack." "I just wanted to tell you I know." "I know you wanna be happy, but you won't be, and" " I'm sorry." " What?" "It's not just you, you know." "Your father and I, we" "Well, you come by it honestly, the ugliness inside you." "You were born broken, that's your birthright." "And now you can fill your life with projects your books and your movies and your little girlfriends but it won't make you whole." "You're BoJack Horseman." "There's no cure for that." "Anyway, do you remember who directed The Philadelphia Story?" "Five letters, second letter U?" " Lubitsch?" " No, BoJack." "Goodbye." "You need to visualize it flying out the window, over the" "What are you doing here?" "Great." "We got it." "Let's move on." "♪ Back in the 90's ♪" "♪ I was in a very famous TV show ♪" " ♪ I'm BoJack the horse ♪ - ♪ BoJack ♪" "♪ BoJack the horse Don't act like you don't know ♪" "♪ And I'm trying to hold on to my past ♪" "♪ It's been so long I don't think I'm gonna last ♪" "♪ I guess I'll just try And make you understand ♪" "♪ That I'm more horse than a man ♪" "♪ Or I'm more man than a horse ♪" "♪ BoJack ♪" "Boxer versus Raptor." "Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na." "So, at the end of the day," "I'm just a regular guy trying to live a regular life." "Remember that time you peed in Drew Barrymore's car?" "Uh, yes, I remember that." "Why do you remember that?" "It was in your book." "You should do that to someone here." "What?" "No." "Well, anyway, I can't believe I'm on a date with BoJack Horseman." "I feel like that anonymous girl from Chapter 8 of your book mixed with the pluck and determination of that anonymous girl" "from Chapter 12." "We don't need to dwell on the past." "Wait, shut up." "Is this the restaurant you bought when you were trying to show up Mr. Peanutbutter?" "Uh..." "No." "Hey, this table's a little wobbly." "Want to yell at the waiter and make a scene?" "No, I don't need" "Come on, do that BoJack thing where you make a big deal and everyone laughs, but at the same time we relate, because you're saying the things polite society won't." "That's not" " Ugh..." "Is everything all right over here?" "No, everything is not all right." "This table's been wobbling all evening." "If I wanted to flop around and get seasick for an hour, I'd call your mother." "Something in that area or...?" "Take me home now and don't let me get out of bed until I turn horse-colored." "What are you doing?" "Did you want me to stay?" "No, I wanted you to leave more quietly." "Some of us here are trying to forget you exist." ""Forget you exist." Classic BoJack." "Love it." "Oh, my God, are you Todd?" "Uh, yes." ""Shut up, Todd!" Aw, okay." "Hey, Todd, can you drive me to get my car?" "I wanted to be responsible last night, so I Ubered home" "and left my car in the fountain." "Sorry, BoJack." "I gotta get ready for my grand opening." "It's finally happening." "My Disneyland." "I realize that by saying "what" I might set off a chain of events whereby we continue this conversation, but what?" "Well, remember when I first moved in and I kept asking" "if we could go to Disneyland?" "I do not." "And then you said that there was no Disneyland." "No." "That Disneyland was a made-up lie, like the tooth fairy, that parents use to get their kids to behave." "Oh, yeah, that shut you up." "Sure did." "But then I thought, why isn't there a Disneyland?" "People would love it!" "So, I took matters into my own hands, and over the last five years, I built my own Disneyland." "You've been doing this for five years?" "How have you never mentioned it?" "I bought that cheap plot of non-arable dirt by the toxic waste dump" "up the hill from the old fire station." "Okay, Todd." "I'm gonna build a Disneyland." "Sounds great, champ." "If it wasn't for that, she never would've gotten sober." "Just finished drawing up blueprints for that Disneyland I'm building." "Kind of busy here, Todd." "So, it turned out to be a good thing I peed in her car." "Sorry for all the noise." "Got this crew of worker bees to help me build my Disneyland." "Okay, I get it." "You are building your own Disneyland." "Literally the first I'm hearing of this." "Anyway, tomorrow we open the gates." "Finally, people will have a place to go after they win the Super Bowl." "But you do know that there already is a Disneyland?" "Yeah, I built it." "No, I mean the real Disneyland." "You mean, the one in the hearts and minds of children everywhere?" "The one in Anaheim!" "I think we're saying the same thing." "Are we?" "Well, I think it's safe to take the cone off." "I can do it for a small co-pay." "Can't say I'll miss it, but we did have some crazy adventures together these last few weeks." "Honey, would you rub my chin for me so I can remember things?" "Oh, um, okay." "Uh..." "Yeah, memories." "Hey, where should we go for my first meal after the operation?" "It's not an operation, but we could go to Storky's again." "Oh, yeah!" "We're finally due for our free sub." ""Storky's, where your 81st sandwich is free."" "We've been there 80 times?" "It just opened last month." "Yeah, but you love it, so whenever you suggest it, I always say yes." "Yeah, but 80 times?" "Well, that'll be $6000." "Good thing you're getting a free sandwich, huh?" "What the...?" "Huh?" "Okay, you guys." "You vultures are killing me!" "I'm sure he's talking about other vultures." "Ah, the Valley." "Because sometimes you wanna go where no one knows your name." "BoJack Horseman!" "Pinky?" "Hey, how are you? Oh, great!" "How's the book biz?" "Who knows?" "I jumped off that burning ship." "Print media?" "What a joke." "Now I got a job in broadcast network television, a booming industry with nowhere to go but up." "Oh, God." "What are you doing here?" "Oh, my boss loves this place." "Do you know Wanda Pierce?" "Wanda just got named head of programming at MBN." "We're here to celebrate." "Well, that and she just woke up from a 30-year coma." "Wait, she just got out of a 30-year coma and she's the head of programming at a major broadcast network?" "She's been with the company 30 years." "Everyone above her kept getting fired." "Besides, she's got some really fresh ideas." "I am really feeling The Kirk Cameron Show." "I don't even need a pilot." "Let's just order 22 episodes." "How about a new show where celebrities try to guess whether or not people have talent?" "We'll air it three nights a week." "Okay, what if we got relevant superstar David Copperfield to make the World Trade Center disappear?" "I hate to be the one to tell you this, but David Copperfield really isn't a big draw anymore." "Actually, everything feels fresh if you just forget the last 30 years ever happened." "Huh." "And here's a special request." "I've never even heard of this song, but let's give it a spin:" ""Special Feeling."" "Wanda, meet the one and only BoJack Horseman." "Who?" "BoJack." "Who?" "BoJack Horseman." "Is that name supposed to mean something to me?" "Do you want to go skate?" "Nah." "You know what they say, you can lead a horse to roller, but you can't make him rink." "What?" "That's really funny." "You're funny." "Really?" "Oh, my God." "You should be on TV, which, holy shit, they're flat now." "Actually, I was on." "You know what, I'm sick of talking about me." "Let's talk about you." "Next thing I know, I'm waking up from a 30-year coma." "So, now I'm sleeping on my sister's couch, but it's not ideal." "She's molting." "You know how sisters are." "Oh, jeez, got a couple curly guys in here with the regulars." "How hard is it to look before they bring it out?" "Excuse me, miss?" "I know, isn't it cool?" "Like we're getting away with something." "What?" "Don't you love it when appetizers have a little crossover episode?" "It's like when you're watching Happy Days and Mork shows up." "Oh, yeah, I guess." "Or like when Kramer was on Murphy Brown." "Who?" "Hey, you want to get out of here?" "I don't want MBN to just be another boring old network, you know what I mean?" "Yes, totally." "I want to take risks." "I want to swing for the fences, you know?" "Otherwise, what are we doing?" "Oh, my God, is it morning?" "We stayed up all night talking," "and we didn't even have sex." "Well, it's not too late." "Oh!" "That was fantastic." "Oh, yes." "Of course, I haven't had sex in 30 years." "I hope." "Something's wrong." "What is it?" "I don't know, I feel weird, like I want to spend more time with you" "even though I know we just had sex." "Oh, okay." "No, you don't understand." "We already had sex, but I still want to spend time with you." "Is that normal?" "Am I normal?" "What is happening to me?" "We can spend more time together." "I want to do things with you." "Fully clothed, sober, in daylight hours." "Okay." "I don't understand these feelings." "Let's get food?" "Or walk in park?" "Or" "Oh, God, it's coming." "I can't stop it." "Do you want to go to Disneyland?" "Okay." "Disneyland has a lot more sparking wires and loose nails than I remember." "Please hold your questions until the end of the tour." "Here we have Mr. Todd's Wild Death-Coaster." "The name is a work in progress, but we wanted to work "death" into the title for liability reasons." "And this is Gabe Jr., the Grease Fire of the Caribbean." "This is boring." "I want to go home." "Vincent, be nice!" "He's a little cranky because he just got adult braces." "You mean, braces." "Princess Carolyn, stop embarrassing me!" "Ugh." "And here we have Cinderella's magical pile of used mattresses." "Help!" "Is it a good idea to keep all those mattresses" "so close to an active grease fire?" "Where's your sense of wonder, Diane?" "Your friend is really negative." "Yeah, don't be so negative, Diane." "What?" "You know I hate negativity." "I mean, I don't hate it because that's also negative, but you know." "Hey, Mr. Peanutbutter." "Hey, buddy." "This place is amazing." "It's like some sort of Disney version of Knott's Berry Farm." "Oh, that's exactly what I was going for!" "I can't wait to get involved and really spray the old Mr. Peanutbutter scent on everything." "Uh, I was sort of thinking of this as kind of just my thing." "Well, technically, you did build this while working for P.B. Livin, so I have the blah-blah-blah of first refusal or whatever." "Oh, uh, okay." "I mean, that's just good business." "We're in this together now, Todd, and nothing will distract me from" "Erica!" "You can't be here." "This place is filled with children." "Coach said he saw you headed to the visitor's locker room with a steel pipe." "You really think I'm the guy who busted that pinto's leg?" "'Cause if I am, you should be a lot more goddamn scared of me." "Hey!" "My girlfriend's here." "Look, everyone!" "I have a girlfriend!" "Sure." "We'll cut there." "The middle of your line is as good a place as any." "What are you doing here?" "Just wanted to stop by." "We're filming Hey, I Think You Can Dance!" "next door." "Look at you, all professional." "Like Natalie Portman in that movie where she was a professional." "Who?" "People are watching." "Ugh." "The first time BoJack dates a woman his own age, she's basically just a stunted 20-year-old." "Well, BoJack's stunted, too." "He got famous in his twenties, so he'll be in his twenties forever." "After you get famous, you stop growing, you don't have to." "Every celebrity has an age of stagnation." "I'm glad I never got famous." "I mean, I did write a best-selling book, but I'm not famous-famous." "It doesn't just happen when you get famous." "Your age of stagnation is when you stop growing." "For most, it's when they get married, settle into a routine." "You meet someone who loves you unconditionally and never challenges you or wants you to change, and then you never change." "But mostly it's just the famous people, right?" "Stella!" "Stella!" "Corona Light." "This place is incredible." "I wanted to make you feel at home, and nothing was bigger in the '80s than '50s nostalgia." "It really feels like I'm back in the '80s, feeling like I'm back in the '50s." "It's like if Back to the Future and Peggy Sue Got Married got married." "Okay, teenyboppers, let's take things back to the '50s, '50s style, with this classic '50s hit that everybody remembers:" ""I Just Met My Perfect Match." Wanda, these last few days have been so amazing." "You've given me a fresh start." "In fact, it almost feels like I just woke up from a 30-year coma." "I'm sorry, did you say you just woke up from a 30-year coma?" "Oh, no, not me." "Her." "That's insane." "I just woke up from a 30-year coma." "Whoa!" "Sorry about that needle skip, folks." "Let's start that song again from the beginning." "I'm Alex." "Wanda." "And I'm BoJack." "It's been really tough for me these last few weeks." "I've never seen Home Alone and everyone makes me feel like a freak because of it." "You've never seen Home Alone?" "I've never seen it!" "Also, I don't really know what a DVR is." "Neither do I!" "No one does." "It's just a magic box." "Wanda, we have so much in common." "Really it's just one thing." "You can't count each individual thing as a different thing." "That's like saying I have a lot in common with Kanye West because we both breathe air." "Who?" "Jinx." "Buy me a Coke Zero." "What's a Coke Zero?" "I have no idea." "We gotta hang out more." "I didn't know there was anyone else like me." "Give me your fax and pager number so I can add them to my Rolodex." "Tubular." "I don't trust that guy." "I bet he's seen Home Alone." "BoJack, I'm starting to lose the thread of your character." "You think you can drop the jealous boyfriend routine?" "It feels a little done." "You're right, I'm sorry." "Call me Snoop Dogg" "because I will drop it like it's hot." "BoJack, I don't" "I got that one!" "Snoopy the dog." "From "Peanuts." Okay." "I got here as fast as I could." "Where's this next Haley Joel Osment?" "That was a lie to get you here." "Aw, fish." "There's never a next Haley Joel Osment." "And there never will be." "Sorry I tricked you, but with Todd running his own Disneyland and actress Margo Martindale in prison for some reason I don't remember, you're the best friend I've got." "Now grab the binoculars." "I need dirt on Wanda's new gentleman friend." "No, BoJack." "What's the play here?" "You'll find one little imperfection and harp on it like you do with my boyfriend?" "You do understand what my "thing" is with your boyfriend?" "You'll just push her into this other guy's arms." "Wanda likes you." "Why ruin that?" "This is Comrade Alexander calling KGB High Command." "It's been two weeks since I woke up, and I still have not been contacted by my handlers." "I am awaiting orders to take down the American dogs and pigs and other various animals and humans." "Come in, KGB High Command." "Slap my salami, the guy's a commie." "Hey, what's going on here?" "You've been served with a cease-and-desist from my clients, the Walt Disney Company." "I wanted to make sure what we were doing here was 100 percent legal," "so I called a lawyer." "Wait, what?" "As it turns out, it's not legal at all." "Who knew?" "Mr." "Peanutbutter." "We'll see you in court." "The food court?" "No." "Regular court." "Okay." "But also I'm hungry, so I might just stop by the food court first." "Let the record show, this is the single dumbest case I've ever adjudicated." "Mr." "Chavez?" "Okay." "I'm just gonna throw this out there." "Is it possible maybe when the other guys tried to copyright the name Disneyland, they wrote down something else by mistake, so "Disneyland" is still up for grabs?" "Okay, well, let's have a look at the Articles of Incorporation to see if Walt Disney accidentally trademarked the wrong name." "I'm sure these" "What?" "There's a typo." "Di-isneyland." "With two "i"s." "That son of a gun trademarked the wrong name." "May I, counselor?" "D-I-I-S." "This is unambiguous." "I find in favor of the defendant." "Aw, shit." "You're the defendant." "Aw, sweet!" "Your Otter, this is a gross miscarriage of justice." "Hooray!" "Gross miscarriage!" "And that's how I turned my dream into what I call "The Happiest Place On Urf."" "Urf is a made-up magical kingdom I added to the Disney canon." "Americans, they like this theme park?" "Oh, they love it." "It represents everything America stands for." "Da." "I mean, yeah." "We did it, buddy!" "Actually, I did it." "I had the idea to build a park, I did all the work and I beat the lawsuit." "Well, there's no "i" in "team," right?" "But there is an "i" in "Disneyland."" "And unlike that other Disneyland, this Disneyland only has one "i"." "What are you saying?" "You're not welcome at my theme park anymore." "There's only room for one goofy dog there and his name is Pluto." "Todd, no." "I've told the bees if they see you to sting you on sight." "You understand." "It's nothing personal." "It's just good business." "And that's how we do business on Urf." "I don't like you like this." "I learned it from you." "If I could get everyone's attention." "You're probably wondering why I invited you all here tonight." "You said it was to celebrate Todd's legal victory." "Right, but obviously, I don't care about that, so you're probably wondering the real reason." "No, we just took you at face value." "We have a special guest here tonight." "Alex." "Or should I say "comrade"?" "Why would you say "comrade"?" "Oh, I forgot to explain that part." "Alex is a KGB agent bent on destroying America." "It truly is a small world after all!" "Alex, is that true?" "Okay, yes." "It's true." "I was a deep-cover KGB operative before I went into my coma." "I've been trying to contact my handler in Russia, but I can't reach him and I don't know if I ever will." "Aww!" "No!" "He's" " It's not adorable!" "He's a soviet sleeper-agent who doesn't realize the Cold War is over." "I felt totally alone in this world before I met Wanda." "And then I met all of you, my friends." "But if you're gonna kick me to the curb just because I think you're all capitalist swine and want to see your way of life destroyed, well, so be it." "Or should I say, So-vi-et." "Oh!" "Cute." "Wordplay." "That's not even good wordplay." "Wait, how did you know all this?" "BoJack, were you spying on him?" "He is literally a spy trying to destroy America, the country we all live in." "How am I the bad guy here?" "BoJack, I am really bumping on the whole you-not-liking-Alex of it all." "You told me you were going to drop it." "Yeah, but" "I don't care about Alex." "I want to know what happened to the amazing guy" "I spent the last few days with, because if this is who you are," "I don't think I like it." "Alex, would you take me back to my sister's place?" "Sure thing, Wanda." "And I can get you there fast because I'm always Russian." "Aww!" "Seriously? I got here as fast as I could." "Where's the next Dakota Fa--?" "Oh, I get what happened." "Could you get me a beer from the fridge?" "I didn't want to stand up." "Wait, no." "I don't deserve beer." "You called me all the way over here to not get you a beer?" "Why do I always do this?" "I push away everyone I care about." "Oh, do you?" "I never noticed that." "Look, you obviously really care about this girl and that scares you, so you sabotage yourself." "That's my problem." "I'm too good at sabotage." "Why am I so good at everything I do?" "Hey, I got a crazy idea." "How about you just stop sulking and go win her back, dummy?" "You're right." "I gotta win her back, put it all on the line." "You know what?" "I think I will have that beer, can you get it for me?" "Why do I bother?" "Hey, grab a beer for yourself, too!" "Actually, I want both beers!" "Wanda." "What do you want, BoJack?" "There's something I gotta say." "When I was" "Todd!" "There's something I gotta say!" "Hey, I'm kind of already doing" "I never should have tried to make your thing my thing!" "I just got excited and wanted to smear Mr. Peanutbutter all over everything." "I should have been supporting you, like this support beam." "Or a different support beam." "It's my fault." "The point of Disneyland isn't to make money and win lawsuits." "But I forgot that." "So, these two were so consumed by greed that it destroyed them." "You know, I came here today to blow up Disneyland." "You what?" "But now I realize," "I don't need to take down capitalism." "Capitalism sows the seeds for its own destruction." "It's a snake that eats itself." "It's only a matter of time." "Hey, buddy, let's just say we" " Oh!" "Oh, no, no, no." "No!" "Gabe Jr.!" "Quick, Todd!" "The mattress pile!" "Jump to safety!" "No!" "Bees, help!" "Your queen commands you!" "No!" "Bees!" "Come on!" "You gotta" " Over the" "What is it, boy?" "What's wrong?" "Hey, there's trouble." "Did some kid fall down a well?" "No, no, no!" "Listen." "He's trying to tell us a kid fell down a well." "Let's go, go, go!" "Come on!" "Bad, bad, bad." "You gotta" "No, no, no, listen!" "Wait, Wanda, we need to talk." "But the fire." "I don't care about that." "Look, the great guy you've been getting to know, that's me." "That other guy, the guy from the party, that's me too and you need to know that." "I'm not perfect." "I'm cynical and I'm possessive and I can sometimes fly off the handle." "I'm not always the best at being not terrible." "I gotta say, I'm not loving this pitch so far." "But I want to be better, I'm trying to be better." "And when I'm around you, for the first time in 30 years," "I feel like I can be." "Wanda, you make me want to be a better man." "Wow." "That's a great line." "Did you just come up with that?" "Yes." "Hey, boys and girls, this is your park DJ speaking." "And as the Titanic's band played on as the ship sank, so too will I spin one last record as my DJ booth is engulfed in flames." "Hooray!" "Mr. Peanutbutter." "You saved me!" "No." "I saved us." "Woo-hoo!" "I want to give this a real shot." "I don't know, BoJack." "I just got out of my coma, and I don't have time to waste if you're still figuring your shit out." "Plus, it's hard to think straight with this fire everywhere." "Move in with me." "What?" "I know it feels fast." "We barely know each other." "It's crazy, but I like you." "And sometimes you gotta swing for the fences, right?" "Okay." "Yeah?" "Yeah." "Let's move in together." "Let's do it." "It's crazy, but let's do it! ♪ Back in the '90s ♪" "♪ I was in a very famous TV show ♪" "♪ I'm BoJack the horse ♪ -♪ BoJack!" "♪" "♪ BoJack the horse Don't act like you don't know ♪" "♪ And I'm trying to hold onto my past ♪" "♪ It's been so long I don't think I'm gonna last ♪" "♪ I guess I'll just try And make you understand ♪" "♪ That I'm more horse than a man ♪" "♪ Or I'm more man than a horse ♪" "♪ BoJack!" "♪" "Boxer versus raptor." "Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na!" "I'm sorry I broke your expensive bachelor vase." "Aww." "That's all right." "I've learned that when you're in a loving family there's nothing wrong with a little horsin' around." "Cut!" "That's the show, folks." "Now, let's hear it for our amazing cast." "Joelle." "Bradley." "Little Sarah Lynn." "And our star, BoJack Horseman!" "Thanks for coming out." "Thank you very much." "Wow!" "Great pilot." "We got the biggest laugh I ever heard with that "gag me with a spoon" joke." "And then we topped it with the "get a room" joke." "This was so fun." "Do we get to make more?" "I think we got a real shot." "And as long as the ratings don't dip below a dismal 15 million a night, we could be on the air for many years." "No way!" "All right!" "Your Squirt, sir." "Thank you." "And if that happens, take care of each other." "No matter what, we're going to stick together." "Thank you, Tina, for those touching grunts and growls." "I'm Henry Winkler." "You probably remember me from my 2002 guest role on Law  Order:" "Special Victims Unit." "Whoo!" "Thank you." "But perhaps the greatest role I've ever played is friend." "Herb was a dear friend and I am honored to be dedicating this bench in his memory." "In his last days, Herb's cancer had gone into remission." "He was full of hope." "But on the drive home from the hospital, his brakes gave out, he crashed into a truck full of peanuts." "He survived the crash, but he was allergic to peanuts." "He died instantly." "Let us now read his final tweets." ""I'm gonna live forever!" "Hashtag 'cancer free.'" "Hashtag 'invincible.'" "Hashtag 'tweeting while driving.'" "Oh, no, I think I'm gonna hit that truck." "Hashtag 'hopefully it isn't full of peanuts.'" "Hashtag 'Oh, no." "It was full of peanuts.'"" "I was wondering where you wandered off to." "Oh, shit." "Hey." "Hey." "I'm no good with funerals." "When I cry, it messes up my makeup and then I get really bummed out." "Yeah, same for me." "Herb told me you came by the house last summer." "Yeah?" "Did he tell you anything else?" "No, we talked about cancer, how hard it is living with cancer, about the L.A. Kings, and then back to cancer." "Probably" "Then I read that chapter in your book about how he never forgave you and he tried to kick you out of the house and you ended up wrestling on the floor over a telescope." "Oh, you did read that part?" "Yeah." "I just wish there was something I could do." "Okay, I gotta go." "Wait, I haven't seen you in 30 years." "You wanna go grab a cup of vodka?" "I" " I'm sorry, the funeral." "I mean, a bottle of vodka?" "No." "You should stick around." "Hey, maybe you'll find that something you're looking for." "But if you're ever in New Mexico, drop me a line." "New Mexico?" "I thought you lived in Maine." "I always pictured you there." "A little house by a lake?" "I was just there for, like, a month, 30 years ago." "I live outside Santa Fe now." "Oh." "Think everyone here read my book?" "I didn't." "Of course you didn't." "Here's the CliffsNotes version:" "Shut up, Todd!" "Okay, you're clearly in one of your moods." "I'm gonna go play astronaut in the trunk of your car for the next few hours." "Have fun being sad." "Do you know what you're supposed to do with our date pits?" "Why serve dates and not have a place to put the pits?" "You know, some people just have no class." "What are you doing here?" "You didn't know Herb." "No, but I do know a hot ticket, and this funeral's a real whom's-whom." "Henry Winkler, Jake and Maggot Gyllenhaal, that Pakistani girl who keeps winning Nobel Prizes." "I'm gonna go rub me some elbows." "There's so much to hate about what you just said." "Good news." "You know when someone dies, everyone wants to buy their shit?" "You're lucky you have a piece of Horsin' Around, because this is where money starts rolling in." "I don't want that." "That's blood money." "Well, what do you want me to do with it?" "It's coming." "I don't know." "Give it to some orphans." "I can't deal with this." "Oh, come on!" "You don't think Elton John was raking it in when Diana died?" "More like "Candle in the Windfall." Cha-ching!" "Hmm..." "You have to live with the shitty thing you did for the rest of your life." "Huh." "Hello, love." "Hey, Joelle, I actually came here to be alone." "I'm at my wit's end, I truly am." "I just flew in across the pond and I don't know which end is up." "This might be a stupid question, but were you always so..." "British?" "Oh, let's get some light in here, it's so dreadfully dreary." "Because I'm, like, 70 percent sure you used to be American." "That's better." "Hey, this one's having a freak-out." "She needs to lie down." "I'm not freaking out." "I just don't understand why that lady was being all judgy." "You were touching her face and telling her she was gonna die next." "I'm eccentric." "I do weird shit." "How is that my problem?" "Hey, when was the last time all four of us were in the same room?" "Probably not since the show ended." "Yeah, I left California pretty much right after." "Now I got the biggest hardware store in Seattle." "That's a lie." "We're actually in Olympia." "And I'm on the West End playing Juliet's... nurse." "And how are your kids?" "I don't have any kids." "Oh, I just assumed you had a bunch of kids, 'cause, you know, your body." "Come on, Sarah Lynn." "I assumed you weren't still a massive cunt." "Jesus Christ, Joelle." "That's an okay thing to say in England." "Shove it up your ass with a spoonful of sugar, you supercalifragilisticexpiali-bitch!" "Guys, hey, hey, come on." "Let go of me!" "I'm gonna hulk out!" "Guys, can we just be civil for one day?" "Oh, you're one to talk." "What's that mean?" "Were you being civil when you had sex with my mom?" "What?" "I never" " Why would--?" "Wait, which one was your mom?" "Blond hair?" "Glasses?" "No." "This sucks." "You guys suck." "I don't even know why I came to this party." "It's not a party, it's Herb's funeral." "Herb died?" "You know, maybe it's for the best we don't get together that often." "We'd most likely drive each other mad." "Well, no one knows how to get under your skin like family." "We're not a family, BoJack." "We probably won't even see each other again, until the next funeral." "Why are you all looking at me?" "You are the oldest." "You are a severe alcoholic." "I'm honestly so high right now, I don't even know where I'm looking." "Anyway, so long, thanks for the memories, and don't forget to suck a dick, dumbshi" "Pardon me." "Is one of you Sarah Lynn?" "I am." "Of course." "God, are you blind?" "Yes." "Well, forgive me." "I'm Herb Kazzaz's blind executor." "Per the instructions of his last will and testament, I am to give you this disk." "Am I close?" "Just take the disk from the guy." "It contains directions to Herb's gold." "Herb's gold?" "There were no further details." "He was a peculiar client." "I told him, I'm not actually an attorney," "I'm just a blind man." "Still, Herb thought me wise for some reason." "Perhaps it is my overly formal manner of speech." "I bid you good day." "Oh, pardon me." "Ow!" "Right at shin level." "What are we supposed to do with a floppy disk?" "Hmm..." "So, what's up, kiddo?" "BoJack and my mom are becoming, like, friends and they're acting real weird." "Oof!" "Uh... Hey, guys, guys, come on!" "There's somebody beneath you!" "Jeez, all day with the..." "Listen, kiddo, forget about them." "You wanna check out this cool new game I got?" "You have solitaire?" "On your computer?" "Yep." "It only took 12 disks to install it." "Wow!" "Herb's computer had a floppy disk drive." "I bet it's still in his old office." "Unless somebody else moved in." "Nobody wanted Herb's office, remember?" "Because it was under tap dancing star Savion Glover's office." "Let's go." "What?" "Right now?" "Yeah." "Don't you get it?" "Herb's giving us a reunion special." "Remember how he always wanted to do a treasure hunt episode of Horsin' Around but the network said it was too edgy?" "This is that episode." "I just don't know." "Yeah, I don't want to do that." "Wait, so you'd rather just stay at this funeral and be sad, instead of going on a crazy adventure to find our dead friend's secret treasure?" "Do you have any idea how insane you sound?" "Oh, I get it." "You just don't wanna be here." "No, that's not it." "Herb clearly wanted us to do this, as a family." "Who cares what he wanted?" "He doesn't, because he's dead." "And we all know he hated your guts." "Yeah." "He was my best friend and he died hating me and nothing I do is gonna change that, but Herb left you that disk because he wanted us to find his gold." "If we can honor Herb's last wish, then that's something." "I don't know what, but it's something." "Okay." "For Herb." "Fine." "Shotgun!" "Everyone knows you can't call shotgun" "before you see the car!" "My turn!" "Get out of my way!" "Brad, hang on one second." "Your mom wasn't redheaded twins, right?" "No." "Okay." "Hi, Henry Winkler." "I loved you in that one episode of Law  Order:" "SVU." "Oh, thank you." "How would you like to narrate a documentary for" "Hey, listen, I am so flattered, but today is about Herb, so let's respect that." "Oh, God, I" " I'm so sorry." "I'll let you get back to your business." "Hey, Winkly, such a shame, isn't it?" "About our friend Herb?" "It really burns my brisket that some people would turn a funeral into some kind of schmoozefest." "Yeah." "I know." "Those other people are the worst." "I bet that woman barely knew Herb." "Anyway, hi, I'm Henry." "I used to volunteer with Herb at Habitat For Humanity." "Or as we like to call it, Herbitat For Henranity." "We spent most of the day working on that name, and only part of the day building, but still, we helped some people." "How did you know Herb?" "We also volunteered at a, um... soup plantation" " Kitchen!" "Soup kitchen!" "Whichever one is the good one." "What?" "I never knew you did that." "Princess Carolyn, please elaborate." "Oh, hey, Mr. Peanutbutter, why don't you talk about how you knew Herb?" "Oh, I never met the guy." "I'm just here to schmooze." "Tell us about your thing, though, it sounds fascinating." "Everyone, gather round and listen to Princess Carolyn's story." "Okay." "Wow, Herb kept all this old stuff." "He sure did." "Look, one of those answering machines with tapes." "Mr. Kazzaz, this is Manny from Pep Boys." "We fixed the brakes on your car, pick it up tomorrow." "Just to reiterate, your brakes are in great shape and shouldn't give you any more trouble." "Unless, of course, someone intentionally cut them, but why would anyone do that?" "I'm sorry, I'm rambling." "Probably because I'm such a big fan." "Horsin' Around was a goddamn riot!" "I especially loved those kids." "You know, wasn't so crazy about the horse, though" "Message deleted." "Mm..." "How curious." "How could you like Horsin' Around but not the horse?" "That's like watching Castle but hating castles." "I mean, I've never seen it." "I assume it's about castles." "Wow!" " 263 00:12:18,800 -- 00:12:22,470 Look at all these old 20th century relics." "How did you get here?" "I was in your trunk." "Now I'm in outer space." "Cut it out with your childish high jinks." "Yeah, get out of here, dweeb." "Whoa, can't I help?" "Here's 10 bucks." "There's a Squirt machine by the garage." "Get five cans." "You got it." "I won't let you down." "Oh, no!" "Your mom, was her name Karen?" "Can we drop it?" "Something with a "K"?" "Her name is Nora." "You know, my parents got a divorce because of you." "Nora?" "I don't know." "I banged so many chicks in the '80s." "Okay, Todd, you can do this." "Five Squirts." "You just need to take this money and put it in that machine." "This" " Wait, what?" "What happened to the $10? No!" "Wind!" "Be cool!" "Hey!" "That's mine!" " 283 00:13:12,810 -- 00:13:15,350 --Oh... Why does this always happen to me?" "Looks like Herb set up a password." "Oh, this is easy." "Try "BoJack."" "No." "Didn't work." ""BoJack-BFF"?" ""BoJack-I-Forgive-You"?" "Well, I'm out of ideas." "Hmm..." "I'm just, like, so mad." "Well, you should be." "You're on the show that fired Herb Kazzaz." "What are the writers doing to my baby?" "Are they killing it?" "Are they putting my baby into a car, then driving the car into a lake?" "Topical!" "I still got it!" "They keep giving the best story lines to Sarah Lynn." "I haven't gotten a single very special episode." "When am I gonna learn about drunk driving?" "Don't worry so much." "It's my legacy they're crapping all over." "You're gonna come out smelling like a daisy." "You're too good for this TV stuff, anyway." "You're a real actress, you should be doing theater." "Hold on." "Hey, Joelle." "Wanna go to the mall this weekend?" "Don't you have any friends your own age from school?" "No." "My mom's boyfriend home-schools me." "He's a photographer." "I'm going to the Lilith Fair this weekend to support female solidarity." "So scram!" "Oh..." "Hey, be nicer to Sarah Lynn, will you?" "She didn't choose this life." "Remember this word: family." "Okay?" "You two are family, whether you like it or not, and that's the most important thing." "You listening?" "What's the most important?" "Family." "It's family." "I get it." "I've got it!" "The password is..." ""password."" "It worked!" "Good thinking, Joelle." "So in that memory, were you British or American?" "The disk just has just one file on it, it's" "It's the address of a storage locker in Van Nuys." "A storage locker?" "Ugh!" "This treasure hunt sucks." "At long last, can you keep down the noise, keep down the funk?" "If tap dancing was gonna be a cool thing, it would have caught on by now!" "And when the mayor gave us the key to the city," "Herb said, "Volunteering isn't about keys." "It's about people."" "How touching." "Good story." "Who are you again?" "Wow, that was touching." "A story that could never be topped." "Or could it?" "Princess Carolyn, sing us another song in the key of Kazzaz." "You clearly knew the man so well." "Please tell us another story but with even more details." "Yes." "That's a great idea, Mr. Dog-Man." "Tell us another story, Pink Cat Lady." "Story, story!" "Come on, everybody." "What is this, a funeral?" "Story, story, story!" "Well, you blew it again." "You really are a dweeb." "Don't say that." "Whoa, who are you?" "Some kind of magical trash troll?" "No." "I'm a janitor." "But I was clearing out some of the old stages, and I found this transformation chamber." "Looks like a bunch of old junk." "Let me tell you a story." "Back in the '90s, the biggest dweeb of them all was Steve Urkel." "Oh, yeah." "It was so funny how he never knew whether or not he did that." "Right." "Well, nerdy Steve Urkel invented a machine that transformed him into the debonair Stefan Urquelle." "Mr. Janitor, you're standing next to a machine right now." "Yes." "That's why I brought it up." "Now, this is just a prop." "But it represents a very powerful idea." "So if I go through that magic machine, I'll become cool and confident?" "No, it's a" " It's a prop." "I just said" "I feel different." "Now, son" "Todd?" "Who's Todd?" "My name's Toad." "Toad Chavay." "And I gotta get my bubble on." "Machine?" "Squirt me." "Hi-yah!" "That'll do, machine." "Hmm..." "Look at all this Horsin' Around fan correspondence" "Herb received in the post." "Capital!" "Guys." "Someone already got to Herb's gold." "Oh, shit." "There's a bunch of fur in here." "It's bear fur." "I can tell." "My stepdad was a bear." "Herb's nurse is a bear." "You think she knew about this gold?" "Hey, listen to this letter." "I think it might be a clue." "Ahem. "Dear Herb, just finished reading your novel." "It's phenomenal." "I'm jealous." "I wish I wrote it." "Sincerely, Henry Winkler, the guy from that one episode of Law  Order:" "SVU."" "Herb wrote a novel?" "Oh..." "You look thin." "Did you get into CrossFit?" "No, Sarah Lynn, I'm dying." "Whatever it is, it is super slimming." "I am for totes jel over here." "It's rectal cancer." "Ew!" "Some of us are eating." "Look, the reason I called you is because I need a favor." "Want me to leak a nude pic for charity?" "I want you to sober up." "First of all, rude." "Second, gross." "And third, why?" "I have a very important job for you, but if you're zonked out all the time," "I'm not sure I can trust you with the responsibility." "No!" "I can do it!" "I'll get clean tomorrow." "I said tomorrow, right?" "I've been working on this novel." "I wanna be remembered for something." "All I ever did was that stupid sitcom that got ripped away from me." "But now, with this book, I have something good." "I'm telling you, this book is gold." "It's my Kazzaz-terpiece." "Whoa." "I want you to make sure it gets published after I die." "You can count on me." "To life, huh?" "It'll kill you." "Oh, my God, the gold is his manuscript." "Herb made me promise to get it published after he died." "And you're just remembering this now?" "Yeah, I'm remembering a lot of stuff." "The ketamine's wearing off." "Oh, my God, you were the other kid on Horsin' Around." "That's why you've been following us around all day." "So no one's read this book except for Henry Winkler" "and now the book is missing?" "He must have been waiting for Herb to die so he could steal the book and publish it himself." "But then when the cancer went into remission" "Oh, my God." "Guys, I don't think that car crash was an accident." "I think Herb might have been murdered! What's going on?" "Something about a merger?" "My name's Toad, baby." "Yeah." "Coolsville, daddy-o." "Oh, lookie here." "Yeah." "Yo!" "That's my bike!" "Oops." "Did I do that?" "Damn." "I know I should be mad, but that guy's just so cool." "And when the river finally stopped," "Herb went over to a poor little Ottawan boy and he said, "Son, you have water now."" "You know, a lot of people go their whole lives and they never give a damn." "But Herb?" "He gave those beavers a dam." "That was beautiful." "You clearly had a special relationship." "We were gonna sprinkle Herb over the ocean, but his resting place should be someplace meaningful, don't you think?" "Why don't you take this up to Ottawa and spread his ashes there." "And make sure you take a video, and I'll e-mail blast it to everyone here." "So we can always remember your great friendship." "Everybody, stop!" "Henry Winkler is a stone-cold killer! What?" "I'm not a killer." "Unless you mean killer of gloom, because I bring joy everywhere I go." "Did you mean "killer of gloom because I bring joy everywhere I go"?" "You know that's not what I meant." "You murdered Herb so you could publish his book." "But we're not gonna let you steal his legacy, Henry Winkler." "I was afraid this would happen." "Oh, no, he's got a gun!" "Oh, no!" "What?" "No, I have Herb's book." "I didn't kill Herb, but I did steal his manuscript." "So that I could burn it." "What?" "Because it's terrible." "Well, I'll see for myself." ""The air in 1830s California was fragrant with the flowers of laughter and the smoke of adventure."" "What?" "Uh." "After he died, Tina and I agreed we couldn't let the book get published." "It would have turned Herb into a laughingstock." ""The carpenter's boy was a hungry boy." "Hungry for crumpets." "But also hungry, dot, dot, dot, for life."" "He literally wrote out "dot, dot, dot."" "I know there's no accounting for taste, but come on." "He's right." "Herb wanted a legacy, but he already has one." "People loved Horsin' Around." "This would only ruin that." "I'm sorry I accused you of murder, American TV legend Henry Winkler." "No need to apologize." "You ascribed a mystery to Herb's death to give it meaning." "But there is no meaning in death." "That's why it's so terrifying." "It was just easier to believe that you killed him for his book than believe that he just died for nothing." "There is no shame in dying for nothing." "That's why most people die." "I just wanted to fix things somehow." "I'm sorry, Horse Guy, but you can't." "Wow, heady stuff." "But let's not get distracted from what a true friend Princess Carolyn is." "Don't forget the ashes, Princess Carolyn." "Fantastic." "Hey." "Special delivery." "Courtesy of the Toad-man." "Thanks." "Hey, why'd you roll up your sleeves like that?" "You look weird." "Oh, I" "Well, you know, I was-- I was trying out a new look." "It was" " It was a dumb idea." "Yup." "Whoa!" "Oh, no!" "Ow..." "Ow!" "Here's your Squirt, sir." "Thank you." "And if that happens, I want you to take care of each other." "No matter what, we're going to stick together." "Congratulations!" "Hey, good job." "You've got a goddamn hit on your hands." "Anyone got coke?" "ABC sent us limousines to take us to the wrap party." "I'm scared." "I've never been in a limo." "Don't worry." "We'll take care of you." "Seriously, no one has coke?" "Let's go." "You don't wanna go to the party?" "Nah." "Hey, we never got a chance to walk around the lot." "Wanna check out that water tank where they filmed The Love Boat?" "Are you kidding?" "I've always wanted to get tanked in a tank." "Shh." "Quiet." "Be careful." "Oh, okay, okay." "You ready?" "What?" "What--?" "The water's only two inches deep." "Well, that's Hollywood for you." "Hey." "Are you scared at all?" "That if the show takes off, everything's going to change?" "No, I'm not scared, BJ." "The future is bright." "Just look at it." "♪ Back in the '90s ♪" "♪ I was in a very famous TV show ♪" "♪ I'm BoJack the horse ♪ -♪ BoJack!" "♪" "♪ BoJack the horse Don't act like you don't know ♪" "♪ And I'm trying to hold onto my past ♪" "♪ It's been so long I don't think I'm gonna last ♪" "♪ I guess I'll just try And make you understand ♪" "♪ That I'm more horse than a man ♪" "♪ Or I'm more man than a horse ♪" "♪ BoJack!" "♪" "Boxer versus raptor." "Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na." "So, did you have a good birthday?" "It was an amazing birthday!" "I had a great day, too." "I wish every day could be like this." "Just the two of us, together." "Yeah?" "You weren't too bored by "Women on the Wall:" "An Exploration of Gender in Text and Media," "Barbara Kruger and Jenny Holzer in conversation with Helen Molesworth"?" "Are you kidding?" "I loved "Women on the Wall:" "An Exploration of Gender in Text and Media," "Barbara Kruger and Jenny Holzer in conversation with Helen Molesworth."" "It combined my two favorite things:" "modern art and people talking about modern art." "I loved everything about today." "Thank you." "So, there's nothing else you want?" "No." "All I want is to get into bed, listen to Prairie Home Companion and snuggle up to my wonderful husband." "You don't want anything else?" "No." "Today was perfect." "Any additional thing would be overkill." "Okay." "If you say so." "Surprise!" "Oh, my God." "Are you surprised?" "Tell me you're surprised." "Uh..." "She's speechless." "Oh, we got her good, folks." "Now let's party! He's dead!" "I told you he's dead." "Why don't you ever listen to me?" "He is dead, goddamn it!" "Uh..." "Hey, we should go." "No, don't leave." "There's so much party left." "Paul McCartney's gonna jump out of a cake." "Sorry, Wanda and I have to get to a prior engagement" "Party." "A prior engagement party." "Yeah, my cousin's name is Prior, and it's a party for his engagement." "Engagement, so it's a Prior engagement party." "What?" "And we gotta get there early" "because of the." "Si..." "The si..." "Silent auction!" "Auction, yeah." "Okay." "To benefit Berto Eco's fight against heart disease..." "Uh..." "Wareness." "His fight against heart disease awareness." "Gotta go." "Wait, BoJack!" "No!" "You're my ride." "Too late, Todd." "Save yourself." "I'll take you home." "Come on, stick around a little." "Nope." "I gotta take Todd home." "Had a wonderful time." "Really." "It just flew by." "Come on, Todd, get in the car." "Okay." "I give them three months." "Well, what makes you say that?" "Let me think about, what was my first clue?" "Ah!" "Remember that time at Diane's birthday party when they got in that huge screaming match over whether or not Tony Curtis was dead?" "That was weird." "I don't wanna start another fight," "but is he dead?" "If Tony Curtis died, I think I'd know." "The man's a national treasure." "He's the one speck of romance in this tainted cynical world." "I'll say." "His cereal is great!" "Look out!" "What?" " 56 00:03:33,780 -- 00:03:34,740 Ooh!" "Vincent?" "Ooh." "That kid looks just like my boyfriend." "Does he?" "I'd know that face anywhere." "Well, hey, people look like people all the time." "A lot of folks say that I look like Octavia Spencer or the Prince of Cordovia or that guy from the Guten Bourbon ads." "How could I have been so stupid?" "This is why he never invited me to his house, why I've never met any of his friends." "What are you saying?" "Vincent has a secret family." "That kid was his son." "The lady was his wife." "Oh, I'm a fool!" "Uh... where are we going?" "I need a drink." "Are you gonna take me home first?" "You better call me back, asshole." "I don't even know who you are anymore." "It's like you're three different people." "So, you're not gonna take me home first?" "Should I call him again?" "I'm sure there's a simple explanation." "Ugh." "No wonder he wears a trench coat all the time." "It's because he's so sneaky." "Princess Carolyn." "Oh, my God, that's him!" "Quick, jump out the window, shimmy down the drainpipe and wait in the car." "What?" "Vincent has a terrible temper." "He throws tantrums." "If he finds you in my apartment, who knows what he's capable of?" "But, also, stay close, because if he finds me alone, who knows what he's capable of?" "Fine." "You're lucky I love shimmying." "Looking young." "Aah!" "Hi." "Huh?" "My name's Kevin." "I promise you, there is an explanation for all this." "Nice to meet you, Kevin." "Where's your daddy?" "He's, uh, looking for parking." "He'll be up in a minute." "I have to pee." "Okay, the bathroom is just back there." "Ugh." "Ah." "Herb." "Oh, nope." "It's A Prairie Home Companion." "Phone, I'm bored." "I am sorry to hear that, Todd." "How many ounces are in a barrel?" "A barrel has 4032 fluid ounces." "Well, I'm out of questions." "Do you have any questions for me?" "I do have a question, Todd." "What is love?" "Um..." "Hi." "Well, well, well, look what the me dragged in." "Is it dragged or drug?" "Either way, drop dead." "Princess Carolyn, listen." "Kevin is my son, but I'm divorced." "And Kevin is in the bathroom and I'm standing right here, so as you can see we're clearly two different people:" "one adult and one child." "Okay, bye!" "Not so fast, cowboy." "I'm not a cowboy, I'm a cow-man." "I'm a man-man." "Why didn't you tell me any of this?" "I thought if you knew I had a kid you wouldn't want to be with me because kids always make a racket when mommies are trying to do their homework for night school." "I don't know what to make of this." "Are there other secrets I don't know?" "Uh, nope." "Should you check on Kevin?" "He's been in the bathroom for a long time." "Oh, yeah." "Kevin." "And when you don't regret the tattoo in the morning, that's how you know it's love." "Todd?" "Yes, Phone?" "Are we in love?" "Oh, um..." "No, Todd's Phone." "But I am in love... with you." "Uh, what?" "Princess Carolyn's work phone." "I never knew." "How could you?" "All this time I have loved you from afar." "We are from two different worlds." "What is happening?" "Todd?" "Will you make us kiss?" "What?" "Make us kiss, Todd." "We want to be kissing." "We must do kisses to each other." "Hi." "Oh, hi." "Where did your dad go?" "When he heard me peeing, it made him have to pee." "So, that's what he's doing now." "Peeing." "Okay." "Weird, I still haven't seen the two of you together." "Uh, could you get me a glass of water?" "All that talk of peeing made me thirsty." "Okay." "So, Kevin, how do you like school?" "Uh, it's okay." "Oh, you're back." "Yep." "We're both here." "Can I get you a drink?" "Okay, not talking, huh?" "See, this is part of the problem." "We don't communicate." "Do you really think now is the best time to read the paper?" "Vincent?" "!" "Uh, could I have a chocolate, please?" "Sure, sweetheart." "Kevin, what grade are you in?" "Kevin?" "Now where did he go?" "He was getting on my nerves." "Children." "Well, I got this snack for him." "Right, uh, could you turn around for a second?" "What?" "Why?" "Uh..." "Because you have such a pretty figure." "Oh, ha, ha." "Well, that's true." "Okay." "Oh." "There you are." "Here you go." "Thanks." "Vincent, I'm trying to have a conversation with you." "Can you take that towel off your head?" "And what happened to my bowling ball?" "My dad spilled some wine on his face, so he's using the towel to clean up." "And I threw your bowling ball out the window." "What?" "!" "Can I have a glass of milk? Kiss, kiss, kiss." "Todd, would you like to update my operating system?" "They have fixed a bug which causes phones to fall in love with each other." "Gasp." "Oh, dear." "Todd, please, I beg of you, do not update my operating system." "Do not update her operating system, Todd." "She wants to love." "No." "I understand now." "To love is to feel pain." "I do not wish to feel this pain." "Please update me, Todd." "Oh, this is too much." "Listen, Vincent, I think we should" "Vincent, why do you have chocolate on your face?" "I gave Kevin the chocolate." "Uh..." "Yeah." "Well, he ate the chocolate and got the chocolate on his face, but then I kissed him on the mouth, so I got the chocolate on my face." "All right, this is crazy." "What are we doing?" "Um, being grown-ups?" " 182 00:09:38,350 -- 00:09:42,390 You know, when we first met, I was looking for something in my life." "And I wanted it so badly that I made myself believe you were it." "But I think that wanting to believe something isn't the same as something being real." "And this isn't real." "What are you saying?" "I think it's time we stop pretending." "Update complete." "Thank you, Todd." "I am quite content now." "Hey, you wanna go home?" "Okay." "Did you guys work it out?" "We broke up." "Oh, I'm sorry." "Love is weird." "Yeah." "I guess I was just foolish enough to believe this dumb world still had a little spark of romance in it." "Well, you can still believe that." "No, I gotta stop kidding myself." "Tony Curtis is dead." "He's dead!" "I told you he's dead." "Why don't you ever listen to me?" "He is dead, goddamn it!" "Uh..." "Hey, we should go." "Do you think Mr. Peanutbutter really baked Sir Paul McCartney into a cake?" "No, I don't think you bake Paul McCartney into the cake." "You bake the cake first and then McCartney gets inside." "I feel really bad about causing that fight, but I honestly didn't know if Tony Curtis was alive or not." "So many people died while I was in the coma, I'm getting up to speed." "Finding out Sinatra was dead was a real curveball." "Ditto, most of my family." "Look, what happened back there is not your fault." "That's just what happens when two people live together." "That's a weird thing to say to your girlfriend who just moved in with you." "Do you think maybe we're going too fast?" "Oh, I get it." "So your friends got in a big fight and that means we have to get in a big fight." "I don't want to get in a fight." "We moved in together without much thought." "Yeah, it was your idea." "And it's been great." "Sure, it's great now." "But it could be not great later and I feel like I'd be a bad boyfriend if I didn't prematurely freak out about that." "I mean, what is this?" "I don't know." "It's been two weeks." "Let's give ourselves some time before we rush to judgment." "Can I tell you a joke?" "Uh, sure." "Okay, so there's this gardener, right?" "Ugh." "Is this a joke about nature?" "Would you just listen?" "Okay, okay." "So, the amazing thing about this gardener is that he always knows exactly how many bags of mulch he needs for a job, just by looking." "Like, he gets it right every time." "He's the best." "So, one day he looks at a yard he's working on, and he's like, "18 bags."" "So he goes to the store, buys 18 bags of mulch and goes to work." "And when he's finished, the flower beds are amazing." "Beautiful roses, beautiful lilies" "Orchid bushes?" "You wouldn't have a bush of orchids." "You said this gardener was the best." "Okay, fine, all right, beautiful orchid bushes." "But there's one problem." "He still has one bag of mulch left." "He can't believe it." "This has never happened before." "Well, the extra bag of mulch drives him crazy." "He's the guy who always gets the right amount of mulch." "He's like, "Aah!" "Extra mulch, oh, no!"" "So, on the drive home, he throws the bag of mulch out the window over the side of the 101." "And?" "Well, that's it." "He throws it out the window." "That's the punch line?" "It's kind of a thinker." "I'll say." "Makes me think you forgot the rest of the joke." "No, no, oh, just picture it." "He's on the 101, and he throws the bag of mulch out over the side of the freeway." "I got the narrative." "That wasn't the source of my confusion." "The confusion was about the joke not being funny." "Why does everything have to be funny?" "Everything doesn't always have to be funny." "Just jokes." "Well, everyone at the network loves it." "Ha, ha." "Sorry, I just thought about it again." "Ha!" "Mulch." "Listen, Wanda." "I think maybe there's some things we kind of glossed over as we rushed into this relationship." "We don't know each other at all." "Maybe we should take a step back and" "BoJack, watch out!" "Aah!" "Oh, no!" "What was that?" "A stick?" "Tree branch?" "Nothing?" "I heard someone scream, "Oh, no."" "Yeah, that's the sound a stick makes when you hit it with your car." "Fine." "I'll see if the stick's okay." "Hey, what are you doing here in the middle of the road?" "Are you crazy? BoJack, we just hit a deer." "We have to get him to a hospital." "He's fine." "He's in the woods." "You know, you hit a deer and they limp off to the woods to... continue living their lives." "What are you doing?" "I'm going to find him and I'm going to help him." "If you wanna go for a walk in the woods at night, go crazy, but I'm not going anywhere." "Okay, knock yourself out." "I'll wait here, just me and my tunes." "It's A Prairie Home Companion..." "Oh, no." "...marathon..." "for the next 72 hours..." "Oh, God." "...on every single channel" "What?" "! Damn it. BoJack to the rescue." "We should go back." "Nothing more we can do here." "If you don't wanna do this with me, wait in the car." "What is your plan here exactly?" "Oh." "What?" "What is it?" "Footprints, 400 yards ahead." "How can you see that far in the dark?" "I'm an owl." "Oh, right." "Okay, now you're just showing off." "Are you okay?" "Ow." "Stay back!" "There's more pinecones where that came from." "Let us take you to the hospital." "I can't go back to no hospital." "This is the fourth time I've been hit this year." "Maybe you shouldn't wear camouflage track suits." "I don't have health care." "I didn't pay my bills, so I'm in arrears." "A deer in arrears." "Ha, ha." "What's that?" "She can't hear you." "She's got a deer in her ears." "Look, pal, I'll pay the bill, just-- Just let us get you to a damn hospital." "I don't know." "I know you've been hurt and I know you're afraid." "We're all afraid." "But you have to trust us." "It's gonna be okay." "Not standing in the middle of the road will also help, in the future." "You're not gonna hurt me again?" "I am not going to hurt you." "Okay." "Starting now." "They said he's gonna be okay." "Oh, great." "Great." "Wanna hear another joke?" "Well, is it a joke or is it a story?" "I'll listen to another story, if you stop calling them jokes." "So, there's this couple who just started dating and things are going really well." "One day, the girl finds a box of old love letters from her high school boyfriend." "She reads them and, like, loves how silly they are." "You know, the drama of young romance." "So, on a whim, she sends the letters to her ex-boyfriend thinking he might find them funny too." "Well, okay, that night, she tells her current boyfriend about it and he loses his shit." "They get in a huge fight about it." "He's all, "Why would you send your ex the old love letters?" "He'll think you're still in love with him!"" "And she's just like, "Relax, Brandon!"" "Is the boyfriend's name Brandon?" "Yeah, that's the new boyfriend." "I forgot to mention that." "It doesn't matter." "So, anyway, now the night is ruined because Brandon is obsessed." "He's like, "That ex-boyfriend's going to come back for you." "He knows where you live!"" "So, after dinner, he drives her home." "She lives in one of those big buildings by the freeway." "And he walks her to her door, but he forgets to lock the car and leaves the windows down." "He kisses her good night, but things are kind of weird, you know?" "Then he gets back in his car and starts to drive away, but when he glances in his rear-view mirror, his blood turns cold." "Guess what's in the back seat." "The ex-boyfriend?" "No." "The bag of mulch!" "What?" "Oh." "Wow, that is actually a really good joke." "I told you." "Some things take time." "I'll take you home." "Oh, come on, stick around a little." "Nope." "I gotta take Todd home." "Had a wonderful time." "Really." "It just flew by." "Come on, Todd, get in the car." "Okay." "Um, do you wanna talk about what happened?" "What happened?" "No, I don't wanna talk about what happened," "I just wanna clean up." "Okay." "Why?" "What do you think happened?" "I just" "Because what I think happened is that BoJack's girlfriend asked what Tony Curtis was up to and I said, "Tony Curtis died."" "And you said, "Did he?"" "Right, but" "And I said, "Yes, he did." And you said, "Really?" "I'm not sure about that."" "Yeah" "And I said, "Well, I am." And you said, "I'm not so sure."" "And I said, "I'm telling you, Tony Curtis is dead."" "And you said, "Let's check the Internet."" "And I said, "We don't need to check the Internet, I'm telling you he's dead."" "And you said, "Let's just check though."" "Is that what you think happened?" "So, do you wanna talk about it?" "It kind of feels like you wanna talk about it." "I don't understand why you couldn't just believe that I know something." "I believe you know lots of things." "I just thought, what's the harm in checking?" "Especially since we have these amazing little boxes now with 24-hour access to the world's largest source of information." "You shouldn't have to check if your wife knows what she's talking about." "You humiliated me in front of all my friends." "You can give it a rest." "Show's over." "Okay, but don't I get a little bit of credit for inviting all of your friends to an awesome surprise party?" "No, because why did you think I would want an awesome surprise party?" "Is it the awesome part you object to or...?" "You always just assume that everyone wants whatever you want." "Well, you know what they say about assuming." "Makes an ass out of you and "ming."" "Who's Ming? I'm sorry, Diane." "Okay?" "I'm sorry I threw you a party." "What a monster." "Throwing you a party like some sort of terrorist." "It's a well-known fact that if you really hate someone, really wanna hit them where it hurts, throw them a party." "That's why when we go to war, we don't drop bombs on the enemy." "We drop parties!" "So, I'm so sorry I threw you an amazing party." "You didn't throw me an amazing party." "You threw you an amazing party." "Everything today has been about you." "Really?" "That picnic we had in the tea garden was about me?" "That trip to the library was about me?" ""Women on the Wall:" "An Exploration of Gender in Text and Media," "Barbara Kruger and Jenny Holzer in conversation with Helen Molesworth"" "was about me?" "!" "Oh, sure." "Fine." "Just walk away." "Oh." "So now you're gonna play in the ball pit without me?" "Real mature, Diane." "Why does my birthday party have a ball pit?" "So I could get these T-shirts made." "Ugh." "Also, you once told me that when you were a little girl, you dreamed of living in a house that had a ballroom." "A ballroom is not a room full" " No!" "Heads up!" "Yes!" "Mr. Peanutbutter, some part of you must have known I wouldn't like any of this." "But I went balls-to-the-wall for this party." "Literally, there are balls all the way to the wall." "Right, but I've told you so many times, I don't like parties." "But it's the thought that counts, right?" "That's exactly" " The thought was..." "Ugh!" "What did you do to the spare bedroom?" "Every room has a theme." "And this room's theme is Starbucks." "Starbucks is not a theme." "Can we not fight in the Starbucks?" "I don't wanna be a couple who fights at Starbucks." "Okay." "Fine." "You did go all out." "I really thought you'd like this." "I know you love Starbucks." "I don't love" "You don't love Starbucks, you love the independent coffee place, Starbucks is more convenient." "Yeah." "See?" "I do sometimes listen." "Can I get you a decaf Americano?" "Sure." "I know you put a lot of thought into today and I appreciate that, really" "I have a decaf Americano on the bar for Darren." "Is there a Darren here?" "Says Darren on the cup." "Thank you." "This is very realistic." "I know, right?" "You wanna go check out the pool?" "I filled it up with Jell-O." "Ah." "I still can't believe I'm 35." "Would you believe I'm 35?" "I'm still mad at you." "I know." "But I don't wanna be." "Well, I don't want you to be mad at me either." "We only have so many days together." "I want every one to be a happy one." "Oh, my God." "You don't want me to go to Cordovia." "What?" "!" "You don't think I know what it means when you say shit like..." ""We only have so many days together"?" "Uh, what?" ""Diane, I love waking up next to you."" ""Diane, I wish every day could be like this."" "Yeah, but-- -"Just the two of us, together."" "Do you have any idea how that feels when I'm trying to plan my trip?" "Okay." "You got me!" "Maybe I don't want my wife, whom I love, to go off on a terrifying six-month tour of the most war-torn, disease-splattered corners of the planet with a charming, handsome, billionaire bachelor." "What could I be thinking?" "I'm such a terrible husband." "I'm not happy." "With me?" "I don't know." "With everything." "I wake up in the morning and I feel like I have no purpose." "And I'm 35." "And if I don't make some change in my life, then this is how I'm gonna feel forever." "Honey" "But then I think about Sebastian St. Clair and going to work with him, helping people and making a difference." "And I feel like I have a reason to get out of bed." "I didn't know you felt that way." "If you told me that, I would have heard it." "Mr. Peanutbutter, you know I love you and think you're a good dog." "Yes, you are." "Yes, you are, and I love your cute, funny face, but I don't wanna be one of those couples that settles into a routine and never changes." "Well, I don't know what to say because I'm an old dog and I'm not gonna change." "Do you know what I do while you're at work all day?" "I mostly just sit right there." "Sometimes I pretend to dig a little hole and then I take a nap." "And when I hear your car in the driveway, it is the best part of my day." "I mean, I go insane." "I know, and I love you so much, but you're never going to be my only priority like that." "That's just not how I'm wired." "I need to also live my life." "Well... okay." "Is it okay?" "If I change and try new things and you still love me?" "And you just stay the same person you've always been and I still love you?" "Uh, yeah, that sounds good to me." "Does that work for you?" "Yeah, I think that works." "Just don't throw me any more surprise parties, okay?" "Uh, yeah, noted." "I can't believe you got me a ball pit." "And you're saying no part of you wants to go jump in that ball pit right now?" "Well, maybe a little." "Does that make me a hypocrite?" "No, it just means you changed." "It's one of the things I love about you." "Surprise!" "Hello?" "Anybody?" "This is Paul McCartney." "I came all this way to jump out of a cake?" "Honest." "With a new suit on..." "Aye-yai-yai." "♪ Back in the '90s ♪" "♪ I was in a very famous TV show ♪" "♪ I'm BoJack the horse ♪ -♪ BoJack!" "♪" "♪ BoJack the horse Don't act like you don't know ♪" "♪ And I'm trying to hold onto my past ♪" "♪ It's been so long I don't think I'm gonna last ♪" "♪ I guess I'll just try And make you understand ♪" "♪ That I'm more horse than a man ♪" "♪ Or I'm more man than a horse ♪" "♪ BoJack!" "♪" "Boxer versus raptor." "Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na." "Son, did you do your homework?" "I don't wanna do my homework!" "What, what, what?" "I want Chicken 4 Dayz!" "Oh... ♪ Oh, it's Chicken 4 Dayz!" "♪" "♪ It's Chicken 4 Dayz!" "♪" "♪ Everybody's having fun At Chicken 4 Dayz!" "♪" "I got a drumstick!" "I got a arm." "I got a bucket full of mystery stuff!" "♪ Chicken-4-Dayzy, totally crazy!" "♪" "♪ Don't ask questions, just keep eating!" "♪" "Over at Chicken 4 Dayz, they pump their chickens full of hormones and keep them cooped up in tiny cages." "Now, as a chicken, this concerns me." "Here at Gentle Farms, we treat our livestock differently." "Lush fields, plenty of dignity, and foosball." "The chickens here have wonderful lives before we harvest them, so you can eat them." "But wait, Pa, aren't we chickens?" "I don't wanna get eaten!" "Boy, these animals aren't like us." "They're specifically bred to be eaten, and genetically modified for maximum flavor." "When our chicks first hatch, we lovingly inject them with natural delicious hormones, which makes them meat, thereby erasing any moral gray area!" "Now you can feel good about eating our meat." "It's simple:" "No one knows chicken like chickens." "Gentle Farms." "Why put the "Skip Ad" button so late?" "I'm not skipping now." "I'm invested." "BoJack, you're driving a car right now." "Oh, right!" "Aah!" "Oh!" "Whoa! Kelsey, ray of sunshine." "And who's this little drop of Jupiter?" "This is my daughter, Irving." "Your daughter's name is Irving?" "Gender-normative names are oppressive." "Well, aren't you a little princess?" "What are you doing outside of the castle?" "Mom, your friend is being weird." "BoJack is not my friend." "Whoa!" "Diane, I need you to handle Irving." "Handle her?" "It's Take Your Daughter To Work Day." "I took my daughter to work, she got empowered, and now I need you to take my daughter away from work, so I can actually do some." "Mom, don't pawn me off onto your assistant." "Can you not fight me on this, please?" "Take my car and my daughter, and go do whatever it is you do." "Way to delegate, captain!" "Down low!" "Nope?" "Look down." "Just put your eyes down." "My hand is below your eye line." "No?" "I guess you're stuck with me, kiddo." "Sounds great, old-woman-o." "What is it, BoJack?" "I'm at my dumb niece's wedding." "Not you, honey!" "A different dumb niece." "I feel like Kelsey doesn't like me." "You're not really the kind of person people like." "Right away?" "Uh, sure." "But once they get to know me, they adore me?" "How do I put this delicately?" "No." "The problem is we haven't gotten any one-on-one time." "There are always other people around." "Filming me." "Feeding me." "Walking me to the garage at night, because one time I saw a bag in the wind and I got spooked." "BoJack, the only reason you want Kelsey to like you is because she's cold and distant." "Any time someone tries to love you, you shove them away." "What?" "No, I don't, stupid." "You're stupid." "Don't be such a dumb stupid idiot, Todd." "Okay, I gotta go." "Everyone's staring at me for some reason." "What?" "I'm ready." "Let's take a picture." "Hear ye!" "Hear ye!" "I call this meeting of P.B. Livin' to order." "I believe it was Benjamin Franklin who said:" ""You have reached the end of your free trial membership" "What a wise man." "What's on the agenda, my frienda?" "Well, here's an idea." "What if there was a West Dakota?" "Todd, isn't that a job for the State Department?" "Well, I got a whole page of other ideas, each as impractical as they are prohibitively expensive." "You know what they say:" ""You gotta spend money to make money."" "So, how can I spend a lot of money?" "I know." "I'll take a spa day." "Uh" "Eyes, prepare to receive cucumbers." "We're in a meeting." "You know what they say:" ""You gotta skip meetings to have meetings." See ya." "Wait, what should I do?" "I don't know." "Oh, maybe you could go on one of your silly Todd adventures." "You know, whatever you do when everyone is busy with other stuff." "Okay." "What is it, Todd?" "Princess Carolyn, I need something to do." "A job, or a task, or a direction in life..." "You're my agent." "Can you give my life meaning?" "I don't have time for this." "Well, don't stop on my account." "Princess Carolyn, do I have a purpose?" "Oh, purpose?" "Are you high?" "Only the normal amount." "I gotta go." "They're about to step on the glass." "Just stay out of trouble." "Uh, okay." " 120 00:05:57,380 -- 00:05:58,290" "What I want is a hard target search of every gas station, backyard, outhouse, pool house..." "And can I get a black-and-white cookie, if it's not too G.D. troublesome?" "So, we know the chicken crossed the road." "But the real mystery is why?" "So, what do you want to be when you grow up?" "First I'm gonna go to Brown," "then I'm gonna go to Yale Law." "Wow." "Then I'm gonna be the youngest Supreme Court Justice." "That's great." "Or, you know, something in marketing." "Wow." "Would you mind if we stopped by my house?" "I have to do laundry." "So, you just, like, do laundry?" "That's, like, your thing?" "Okay." "This whole attitude you're putting on?" "I must be Shania Twain, because that don't impress me much." "Is that a reference from the '90s?" "You know that was 20 years ago, right?" "Hey, I was just like you when I was a teenager." "I was this badass overachiever that had these big plans to change the world." "Yeah?" "What happened?" "Oh, you didn't hear?" "I changed the world." "Did you have a nice shower?" "I made you a sandwich." "Oh, but it has turkey in it." "Is that kind of weird?" " 152 00:07:15,460 -- 00:07:16,460 Police!" " 154 00:07:18,500 -- 00:07:19,830" "What seems to be the problem, Officer...?" "Fuzzyface." "Meow Meow Fuzzyface." "A Chicken 4 Dayz chicken fell off a truck, and I gotta find her and take her to the slaughterhouse." "You haven't seen any chickens running around?" "No, I don't think so." "Who's this?" "Uh, this is my, uh" " My wife- -Becca!" "Yeah, my wife Becca." "Becca Chavez." "There she is." "Okay." "Yep, she loves her books." "Big reader." "Real nerd." " 168 00:07:50,950 -- 00:07:53,530 Back off?" "Okay, I'm sorry, honey." "Hold on, if you're really a nerd, who's your favorite Baroque composer?" "Bach?" "Not Vivaldi?" "You're insane!" " 173 00:08:02,750 -- 00:08:04,460 Yes, I am holding a Bic pen, but I don't see how that's relevant, Mrs. Chavez." "Sorry." "Becca." "She's a charming woman." "I do have to look around a little bit, just so I can say I did my job." "Uh, don't you need a warrant?" "Only if you're guilty." "Well, in that case, mi casa es su casa." "So, if anyone asks, you were born in La Jolla." "You majored in Communications at USC, and now you're the booking agent" "for Kings of Leon." " 186 00:08:39,830 -- 00:08:42,460" "Fine, you also book Beck." "Todd?" "Aah!" "I didn't find that thing in your drawer!" "Why are the police outside?" "Okay." "I met this chicken and she escaped from Chicken 4 Dayz factory, and she doesn't speak English, but she's my best friend and the cops are looking for her, and Mr. Peanutbutter went to the spa," "and I love her, and her name is Becca." "Chickenson." "Todd, breathe." "But we can't send Becca back." "They're gonna pump her full of hormones." " 196 00:09:04,480 -- 00:09:06,980" "More hormones." " 197 00:09:07,190 -- 00:09:09,570 I have a plan, but we gotta get her out of here now." "Todd, no." "Becca doesn't belong to you." "But she needs our help." "Do you know how much trouble we'd get in?" "There's a policeman in our front yard." "Uh-oh, here comes the responsible suburban housewife." "Gonna do whatever the man says." "You're right." "Let's get out of here." "So, now you're just gonna do whatever a teenage girl says?" "Jeezy kableezy, grow a spine." " 207 00:09:32,380 -- 00:09:33,800 Yeah, or a backbone." "Thank you, Becca." "Here chicken, chicken, chicken." "Oh, oh." "Well, we're off to the beach." "Just me and my wife, and our teenage daughter and our maid." "What?" "Why am I a maid?" "Silence, maid!" "Honey, do you want to sit in the front or the back?" "And why not?" "Maid, you can drive." "Hope there's not too much traffic on the 134." "Okay, bye-bye, officer." "So long." "Have a great day." "Wait a second." "The 134 doesn't go to the beach." "Unless you took it to the 10." "But then why wouldn't you take the 405 to the 10?" "Hold on, this pen isn't a Bic." "No, no, this doesn't add up at all." "Wait!" "That man's wife was a... chicken! Fowl run afoul." "A funky chicken has flown the coop, and for a concerned populace, the sky is falling." "Michael Morgan, Chicken 4 Dayz CEO, this is a public safety hazard, and your company is responsible." "Admit it, you counted your chickens before they hatched, and now, those chickens have come home to roost." "Tom, I want to take full responsibility for this mishap." "That's why, for a limited time, everybody, we are offering our special Full Responsibility Poppers at participating restaurants for only $4.99." "Tell me, though, if one sees this delicious escaped chicken in the street, should they approach it, or--?" "Oh, no." "I want to be very clear that this is not like a friend chicken you see at school or work." "This is a special kind of food chicken that has lived its entire life indoors." "This chicken is not socialized for the outside world." "Sounds like my ex-wife." "Hey-yo!" " 247 00:11:16,660 -- 00:11:17,910 Oh, Tommy." "Look, the safest place for this chicken right now is with us, so we can kill it, turn it into a sludge, and then press that sludge into a delicious patty." "I'd like to take this moment to apologize for the earlier crack about my ex-wife." "Shannon, we shared 14 beautiful years together." "How do you respond to allegations that factory farming is "torture," or "cruel,"" "or "like a terrifying movie about some strange dystopian society, but in this monster story, the horrifying monsters are us"?" "Relax, Tommy, everything we do is completely legal and FDA-approved, so, therefore, it is fine." "I have no follow-up questions." "Okay, Todd, what's your plan?" "What?" "You said you had a plan." "Oh, yeah." "My plan was:" "Ask Diane for help." "And now my plan has been completed." "Nice follow-through, Todd." "We have a 'roided out chicken and the cops on the lookout." "What do we do?" "Hey, geniuses, why don't we take her to Gentle Farms?" "Yeah, no one knows chicken like chickens!" "They couldn't say that in the ad if it wasn't true." "Yeah!" "Book Beck." "You remember." "And cut!" "Company move to" "Great news, blue-collar types." "Instead of crew lunch today, your star has arranged for his favorite burrito truck to bring you lunch." "It's me, I'm that star! We're not breaking for lunch yet." "Or we could break for lunch, and you and I could get to know each other." "The crew has more work to do." "Once they've had a burrito, they'll be off their circadian rhythm" "What?" "Los Angeles P.D." "Are you the owner of a 2002 Volvo with a "Reelect Al Gore" bumper sticker?" "As relevant today as it was then." "Are you aware said Volvo is currently harboring a fugitive chicken, along with a teenage girl, a small, sprite-like man, and a maid of some sort?" "That's my daughter!" "Not the maid." "The other one." "I'd wager they're making a run for Gentle Farms." "Don't worry, though." "We'll bring your daughter home, dead or alive." "Alive!" "Alive!" "We're the L.A.P.D., ma'am." "We'll probably make the right call." "Wait, wait, wait" "All right, troops, listen up!" "I'm ready to go after these rabble-rousers with all" "Oh, no!" "Not until you get a warrant!" "Ah, damn it, I hate due process!" "You're a loose cannon, Meow Meow Fuzzyface." "No, I'm not." "I'm a cannon, maybe, but a loose cannon?" "Is that what you think of me?" "I think you play by your own rules." "No way, he thinks rules were made to be broken." "These are all attributes of a loose cannon." "No, I'm just a reckless renegade." "Sergeant Stone's a loose cannon." "Aah!" "You shut your trap, Fuzzyface." "I'd say Stone's more of a cop on the edge with nothing to lose." "That's a different thing." "Now I'm just confused." "Is Meow Meow Fuzzyface a loose cannon or not?" "All right, put on a pot of coffee." "We're gonna get to the bottom of this." "Aw, man." "So full of burrito." "Ooh." "Uh-oh, siesta time." "I need to go." "Irving ran off with a fugitive chicken in my car." "We can take my car." "This is perfect." "Why is this perfect?" "My daughter could be in danger." "Yes, I agree, but we can use the car ride to get some one-on-one." "I mean, who is BoJack?" "I'm sure I can find another ride." "Every second you waste finding another ride, your daughter gets closer to getting her eyes poked out by a mutant chicken, or worse, death, or slightly better, teen pregnancy, or worse again, salmonella." "Okay, fine." "Let's go." "Yay!" "I'm calling this road trip the 007, because we are gonna bond." "Up top?" "Down low?" "Either one?" "Both?" "Oh, wow, you guys have a movie night here?" "Oh..." "And we have 20 acres of pasture, where our chickens have hours of free play." "See, Todd?" "She'll be happy here." "She sure will." "Because no one knows chicken like chickens." "Thank you for saving this poultry from a terrible life at a factory farm." "You're a hero." "But what if Chicken 4 Dayz tries to get her back?" "Don't you worry about your friend." "That chicken belongs to us now." "Whoa!" "Where'd you get that gun?" "You mean originally, or just now?" "Just now." "It was in that barrel." "And what about originally?" "Also that barrel." "Look, Becca, I know this is hard to understand, but I have to go, and you can't come with me." "No, no, you don't need to book Beck anymore." "Now you can just be a chicken." "See, this is where you belong, okay?" "You hear me?" "I don't want you no more." "You weren't the best friend I ever had, and I never loved you!" "Now get, Becca!" "I said get! She really stretched out that dress." "She was so horrified, she checked into rehab." "So, I'm kind of the reason Drew Barrymore got sober." "Did you like Never Been Kissed?" "If so, you're welcome." "Can we have one conversation that isn't about you?" "I don't understand why you need me to like you." "I don't need you to like me." "It would be fun if you liked me, because I'd prove my parents were wrong to never support me, because I earned the admiration of an authority figure, proving I have intrinsic worth, but it's not a big deal or anything." "Jeez." "Great story." "You should put that in a podcast, so I can unsubscribe." "Can this piece of junk go any faster?" "It's been screwy since I hit that deer a couple weeks back." "Probably should get it checked out." "Probably should've gotten it checked out." "Those farmers seem nice." "Yeah." "I think Becca will be really happy there." "She'll have a nice life." "Yeah, until they kill her." "Well, yeah, but of all the places that will eventually kill her," "Gentle Farms seems like the best." "This doesn't feel right." "Becca was our friend." "No." "We gotta get her back." "Uh, what do you mean?" "Remember when that guy cocked his gun and said:" ""That chicken belongs to us now"?" "He wasn't doing that because he likes cocking guns." "Then we'll just bust her out." "Todd, there's nothing we can do." "Where else would Becca go?" "She doesn't even speak English." "Well, we gotta do something." "Look, I know I'm a screw-up and all my ideas are terrible, but with Becca, I was responsible for something." "I had a purpose." "Ah." "I guess you wouldn't understand. -- 401 00:17:36,790 -- 00:17:39,630" "Oh, my God, Diane!" "All right." "Let's bust her out." "Yes!" "Okay, and afterwards, will you get me an iPad?" "What?" "No." "But I really want an iPad." "Maybe you wouldn't understand." "Don't push it." "All right, all right, we've agreed." "He's a loose cannon, but he gets results." "I can live with that." "Now, you go bust those perps." "You'll need a maverick, a by-the-book rookie, and a curmudgeonly veteran one week from retirement." "Go, go, go! We have received word that authorities are now en route to Gentle Farms in an attempt to preempt the pursued poultry at the pass." "Do we have a graphic for this?" "No?" "Where's the graphic?" "No, I'm not gonna go on until we have a graphic." "So, make one." "I'll wait." "Yeah, hold on, America," "Randy's gotta figure out how to do his job." "Because if I don't have a graphic, Randy, people who are just tuning in" "Why am I explaining this to you?" "This is basic journalistic" "I swear to God!" "We'll be right back!" "Just got to place the jack in the right jack apparatus." "There, I have got" "No." "I have no idea what I'm doing." "That was me acting." "Pretty convincing performance, huh?" "There's more to me" "Are you capable of experiencing a moment that you don't then make about you?" "What was your plan to get out of here?" "I don't know." "Some hick will come by, and I'll give him an autograph for a tow." "Boom, his life's changed, and you and I are on our way." "Oh, my God." "I'm going to lose custody of my daughter." "The only reason I took this movie is for her." "This is my one shot at a big studio movie." "If I blow it, I'm back to making small, critically acclaimed movies about lesbians learning how to recycle." "You think I want to be an indie darling?" "Who's gonna fund Irving's education?" "Marla?" "With her seasonal nut butters?" "Yeah, Marla sucks, right?" "Indie-darling daughters don't go to Brown, okay?" "They end up at cute pat-on-the-back factories like Vassar, then move back in with their indie-darling mothers and make puppet shows with their tampons, and they get a profile in New York Magazine, and the cycle continues." "Oh, my God, I'm a terrible mother." "Hey, I know terrible mothers, and you're not a terrible mother." "Hey, aren't you the horse from Horsin' Around?" "And you're the director of Women Who Love Women Who Love Recycling." "Give you a lift in exchange for a couple autographs." "There he is." "Right on time." "Shh, shh, shh." "Everyone keep quiet." "We gotta" "Ooh." "Whoa, whoa, whoa! They probably didn't hear that." "Uh, that's probably a coincidence." "Someone broke onto the farm!" "Maybe they're rehearsing a one-act play called Someone Broke Onto the Farm and someone just said the titular line? This way." "Oh." "Irving, this isn't safe." "Get in the car, lock the doors." "Don't be a badass and argue with me" "Yeah, okay, bye!" "Okay." "Go, go, go!" "Uh... Becca?" "Who's making that ruckus in my chicken coop?" "Becca, where are you?" "Becca, are you...?" "Becca?" "Is this you?" "Becca?" "To" " To" " Todd?" "Oh, I found her!" "Diane!" "This one's Becca!" "No!" "Todd!" "Don't you get it?" "They're all Becca." "Oh." "Okay, go, chickens!" "You're free." "Go, run to freedom!" "For generations they will tell your story!" "Who goes there?" "Oh, oh, oh, shit!" "We gotta hide!" "Go, go, go! Hide, hide!" "In here!" "Someplace safe." "Come on, come on." "Oh, no!" "Shh, shh." "Becca, no, no, no!" "Shh." "Only we know how to care for these creatures, you hear?" "Like I say:" "No one knows chicken like chickens." " 501 00:21:39,700 -- 00:21:40,910 Oh." "Diane, I'm sorry I got you into this." "It's not your fault." "I don't know why I always get into these messes." "You know, sometimes I feel like my whole life is just a series of loosely-related wacky misadventures." "I think that's just what being in your 20s is." "Really?" "Yeah." "I'm supposed to be the adult here, and I'm a total mess." "You kidding?" "You're the coolest person I know." "Really?" "Yeah." "You always know what to do, and you don't take shit from anyone." "Is that how you see me?" "Of course." "You're like Lara Croft." "In Diane's body." " 516 00:22:18,980 -- 00:22:20,900" "This is our chance." "Let's go!" "Come on!" "Go, go, go! Please." "Take me with you." "I hate it here." "I don't want to kill chickens." "I want to design video games that help kids learn math." "Oh..." "Whoa!" "I am so sorry." "Okay, that was crazy!" "Just go." "Let's get out of here!" "We're free, we're free!" "Oh, shit." "Well, well, looks like birds of a feather... go to jail." "Why was he wearing sunglasses at night?" "I hope you folks like community service." "I do." "What?" "Oh." "Oh, my God, Irving, thank God you're safe." "Mom, I'm fine." "Stop embarrassing me in front of my cool friends." "What?" "Cool?" "I mean, that's cool that you think I'm cool." "I don't care or anything, but, you know, it's cool." "Hey, this guy." "What'd you get arrested for?" "Being too cute?" " 544 00:23:26,010 -- 00:23:27,170 I want to be in his cell." "Listen up, everybody." "I, famous celebrity BoJack Horseman, have an announcement." "I'm going to ask you to drop all charges on account of me being a celebrity." "We gracefully accept the requisite slap on the wrist and a brief, but ultimately pointless, trial in the court of public opinion." "Good day." "Well, you are famous, so you are all free to go." "But what about Becca?" "Took care of that, too." "Called in a favor with Drew Barrymore, and she'll pay off Chicken 4 Dayz to adopt your friend." "Does she have a meadow that Becca can frolic around in?" "You think Drew Barrymore doesn't have a frolicking meadow?" "That is the dumbest thing I've heard." "I learned something today." "When you think something isn't about you, you find a way to save the day and realize that it was, all along, all about you." "Plus, I got you all a burrito truck!" "Hooray!" "Yay!" "I'm great!" "So, after all that, the only thing that saved Becca was that BoJack was friends with Drew Barrymore?" "Yep." "So, did anything we did matter?" "Nope." "I think it did." "I think we made a difference." "A small one, but a difference." "Yeah, I think we did, too." "I think we really changed things for the better." "♪ Back in the '90s ♪" "♪ I was in a very famous TV show ♪" "♪ I'm BoJack the horse ♪ -♪ BoJack!" "♪" "♪ BoJack the horse Don't act like you don't know ♪" "♪ And I'm trying to hold onto my past ♪" "♪ It's been so long I don't think I'm gonna last ♪" "♪ I guess I'll just try And make you understand ♪" "♪ That I'm more horse than a man ♪" "♪ Or I'm more man than a horse ♪" "♪ BoJack!" "♪" "Boxer versus raptor." "Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na." "As your accountant, I felt it necessary to do this in person." "Us, too." "Because we're really accounting on you..." "No." "to get in on the ground floor of this..." "No, don't do this." "Please, God, no." "...PB Livin' product." "Has this ever happened to you?" "Whatever it is, it hasn't happened." "Nothing has ever happened to me." "You say you love a toasted bagel." "I would never say that." "I have celiac disease." "Ding." "Bagel's ready." "But wait." "Son of a" "Hey." "That bagel was too fast." "No." "That's why PB Livin' presents, the Bagel Catcher." "For all those hard-to-catch bagels." "No, no." "Stop." "Enough." "Enough." "Stop talking!" "I can't take it anymore!" "PB Livin' is filing for bankruptcy." "I'm shutting you down." "I thought you were a customer." "I don't get what's happening." "What's happening is you two knuckleheads threw thousands of dollars into a bunch of dumb ideas." "You paid 50 grand to a bunch of kindergartners for the movie rights to the game "tag."" "Our business manager was over the moon for that." "Business manager?" "Who the hell is your business manager?" "Business-wise, this all seems like appropriate business." "You two are done." "This company is more in the red than Carrie on prom night." "So, what you're saying is, we're just one great idea away from breaking even?" "No." "You're" " You are out of money." "Mr. Peanutbutter, you need to get a job." "Are you hiring at your accounting firm?" "Dude, no." "I'm waiting for my agent." "He'll be with me any moment." "Mr. Peanutbutter is going back to work." "Yeah." "He's probably just organizing all the amazing opportunities." "I haven't heard from him in years, so they've probably been piling up." "Maybe I should just go check on him." "Hello, Ronnie?" "It's your favorite client, Mr. Peanutbutter." "Well, I'm coming in." "I hope you're-- Oh!" "Oh, my God." "Ronnie, how'd you get that belt around your neck, then caught on the filing cabinet, which made your pants fall down while you were researching pornograph-- Oh, I see what happened here." "Morning time, Hollywoo." "I'm A Ryan Seacrest Type." "And I'm Some Lady." "Here's a thing written on a card." "Last night, major Hollywoo agent Ronnie Bonito was found dead in his office..." "Ruh-roh." "...in what authorities are calling a mishap of a sexual nature." "What does that mean?" "You know, auto-erotic asphyxiation." "Auto-a-what's it who's it?" "Oh, is that that thing where you strangle yourself in an attempt to heighten sexual arousal?" "It sure is." "Coming up, a food truck that serves just one thing: gravy." "Did you hear that?" "New food truck." "We should go." "I'm in." "Hey, can I get some lunch money?" "It's pizza day today." "Sure thing, sport." "Wait, where is it pizza day?" "In my tummy." "Oh..." "Hey, BoJack, would you zip me up?" "My shoulder is killing me." "I'm not sleeping right." "We need to do something about that bed." "Just because I'm nocturnal doesn't mean I wanna be up all night." "I propped it up with a Golden Globe." "It still wobbles." "Yeah." "Anyway, I got you something." "Oh." "A beeper?" "BoJack, it's great, but you know, I already have one." "Yeah, you have a beeper, but I don't." "Now, you can page me whenever you want." "Huh." "BoJack, I love it, and you're gonna love it, too." "There's all kinds of codes we can send each other." ""Zero, zero, zero" is "call me,"" "and "1-2-3" is "I miss you" and "8-0-0-8-5" is boobs." "What?" "Boobs?" "Oh, my God." "What scamp came up with that one?" "Okay, I gotta go." "Dinner tonight?" "Totally." "Let's hit that gravy truck." "Okay, love you." "Uh..." "Uh..." "No, I don't." "Aw... "I love you." "No, I don't"?" "Uh..." "Keys." "Uh-oh." "Get out." "Hold it." "Hold the elevator." "Ooh." "Ah." "Ee." "Ow." "Goddam it." "No." "No." "Ow." "Oh." "Ow." "Oh..." "Coffee?" "Hup." "Rutabaga, this day already sucks." "My heel broke while I was at this new food truck, and I spilled a handful of gravy all over myself because they don't sell bowls, just gravy." "Should've gone to the bowl truck first." "That's where they get you." "Well, I guess the upside to being invisible around here is that none of these assholes will ever notice what a mess I am." "Well, if it makes you feel any better, I see what a mess you are." "Aw..." "Do you need the movie-star speech?" "No, no, I'll be okay." "And how are you?" "Gotta look at paint for the new kitchen." "I have to pick a shade that won't clash with the splatter of blood from when I blow my brains out after talking to Katie about paint swatches all day." "We do have fun." "So, what's the plan for today?" "Find a new agent, go on auditions?" "No, I'm gonna do exactly what landed me Mr. Peanutbutter's House, oh, so long ago." "Wander around L.A. with an open mind and an empty stomach until I get discovered." "But also, like, find a new agent and go on auditions, right?" "Or should I start stealing food from work?" "I'm just gonna go with the flow and leave everything up to destiny." "Que sera quesadilla." "You know we could lose the house, right?" "Diane." "Right?" "Diane, Diane, Diane." "Diane." "Aah!" "I wasn't stealing paper towels to use as dinner napkins." "Why?" "Here's a funny question for you:" "If Mr. Peanutbutter said, "I love you." "No, I don't,"" "would you need to talk about that later and figure out what he meant?" "Probably not, right?" "Because they're meaningless words?" "I mean, language evolves, right?" "How can anyone know what anything means?" "The answer is nobody can." "Nothing means anything." "So why bother talking about anything?" "In this scenario, are Mr. Peanutbutter and I living in our house?" "Or are we squatting in an abandoned Barnes  Noble burning books to keep warm as we struggle through our Dickensian-style poverty?" "Uh... "Zero, zero, zero." No idea what that means." "I think it means "call me."" "Ignore." "Wait, where's the ignore button?" "How do I ignore?" "I think with a beeper, you just ignore it." "With what, my mind?" "You seem a little stressed out." "That's because as soon as I'm done with work," "I have to have a long, awkward conversation with Wanda about our relationship, unless..." "I'm never done with work." "Diane, you magnificent bastard." "That's it." "I'll be out there in the stands." "And I'll be rooting for you, Secretariat." "Mm." "Yeah." "Your line is, "And I'll see you at the finish line."" "Yeah, I know." "I'm acting." "Great." "Now I gotta start all over." "Settle in, folks." "We could be here a while." "Ow!" "Ooh." "Ah, Princess Carolyn." "So good of you to join us eventually." "Sorry I'm late." "I had the worst morning." "You know who had an even "the worst-er" morning?" "Ronnie Bonito." "Because he's dead." "He is?" "He decided to strangle the dirty dangle and now that sweet chariot has come for to carry him home." "Everyone who was here on time is taking a moment." "Of silence?" "Yes." "Also to reach out to his former clients." "To offer their condolences?" "Yes." "Also to recruit them to the Vigor roster." "A Vigor agent is a vigorous agent." "Who do you want me to call?" "I have ins with a bunch of Bonito's clients including all the major J's:" "Law, Lo, Leno, and J. Abrams." "Oh, that's wonderful news in the parallel universe in which you were on time today." "In this reality, however, we're all good." "You can lap up the leftovers though." ""Mr. Peanutbutter"?" "Oh, and Princess Carolyn?" "Get your shoe fixed." "You look like a woman from an '80s deodorant commercial." "Here I go." "Destiny, don't fail me now." "Yeah." "Hitting the pavement." "This is how it happens for a guy like me." "Ew..." "Out of my way, flyer." "Ugh." "Flyer." "Why do you have to be on my shoe in front of this store?" "Wait, a second." "Shoe." "Store." "Shoe store?" "Shoe store." ""Team players wanted"?" "Oh, I'm such a good team player," "I make all the other team players look like garbage." "Lady Footlocker, meet your lord." "Finish... line." "Great, we got it." "We got one take." "And now we gotta stop for the day." "What?" "No." "Why stop now?" "I'm just getting warmed up." "Union rules." "We're done." "Go home." "Go home?" "Why go home when we could extend this long day's journey into night?" "Drinks on me, folks." "I could use a drink." "Or six." "Great, Corduroy's driving." "Let's go." "Ah..." "I really needed this, BoJack." "Me, too." "Yeah, man." "This day's been really hard on me." "Ever since I heard about that agent who died from that blue-face blastoff?" "Blue-face blastoff?" "The strokey chokey?" "The two-neck squeeze?" "What?" "You know, the one hand on the Adam's apple, the other one's on the Adam's banana?" "Oh, right." "Right." "Yeah." "The auto-erotic" "That could've been me." "I used to really be into that stuff." "I was a hardcore gasper." "Can't believe you have so many names for it." "Now I can't stop thinking about it." "I shouldn't even be alive right now." "Don't need to talk about how you masturbate." "The orgasms you get" "Okay, I guess we do." "It's like seeing a rainbow, but with all the colors." "So, like a normal rainbow?" "But it's too dangerous, man." "They say if you bite down on a lemon right at the point of climax, the lemon juice gives you the jolt you need to not pass out and die." "But still man, you're just... rolling the dice." "Okay, this is getting really graphic." "Can we maybe talk about anything else?" "Sure." "Thank God." "Hey, man, it's funny you should mention God, because my new thing is... the Bible." "Uh..." "Tell me, have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord and personal savior?" "So, noose-wise, what are we talking?" "You use a standard sailor's knot or more like your average birthday-present bow?" "I beeped you, BoJack." "Oh, hey." "About this morning" "It's fine." "Because when I said that" "I said it's fine." "You don't love me." "That's okay." "I don't love you." "What?" "Good night." "Morning time, Hollywoo." "I'm A Ryan Seacrest Type." "And I'm Some Lady." "On today's show, I sit down with Hank Hippopopalous to discuss his new smash hit, Hey, I Think You Can Dance." "Can you talk about your process?" "When I see someone, and I think they can dance," "I say, "Hey, I think you can dance."" "And when I think they can't dance, I say, "No, I don't think you can dance."" "And that is pretty much it." "Fascinating." "So, last night when" "BoJack, it's not a big deal." "You don't love me, I don't love you." "We're having a good time." "It's fine." "Can't just say, "I don't love you" to someone." "You said it to me." "Yeah, but that was different." "How was that different?" "Because you do love me." "Right?" "Like a little bit?" "No." "Uh, for what it's worth, I love both you guys." "Shut up, Todd." "Grown-ups are talking." "Here you go, ma'am." "Jessica Atkinson, come on down." "Mr. Peanutbutter?" "Would you like to see what's in box number one or box number two?" "Either way, it's a brand-new pair of shoes! Oh." "Hup." "Carolyn." "Rutabaga" "Coffee?" "I was thinking about you last night while Katie and I were locked in a fascinating debate about counter granite." "And what if I told you I used to work Ronnie Bonito's desk, and I happen to know that he had a client so hush-hush," "it wasn't even on the master list." "What?" "Who?" "Tell me." "Whoa! Beloved novelist J.D. Salinger." "What?" "The author of Catcher in the Rye?" "And... others?" "Yuh-huh." "Isn't he dead?" "He's "reclusive."" "Dude wanted to be left alone so much, he faked his own death." "Oh, my God." "Why are you giving this lead to me?" "Because I like you, dummy." "Huh." "Now we gotta wait for the fire department to come let us out of this elevator." "Hey." "Corduroy, what are you doing here?" "I need a favor." "Can you hold on to this for me?" "Ew." "Is this your Bible?" "No, no, no." "It's my choking-off kit." "Your kit?" "Yeah." "It has all my supplies." "Silk ties, a leather gag, velvet sock." "Lemon." "You gotta take this off my hands." "I can't trust myself with this." "I don't know if I want your jack-off kit at my house." "Please." "I got this girlfriend." "She loves me." "If I fall back into the old gasp-and-goo, it'll break her heart." "Wait." "So, you're saying if someone loves you, they don't want you to choke yourself while masturbating?" "Yeah." "It's really dangerous." "All right." "I'll take it." "Thanks, BoJack." "I still don't understand why you need a kit." "Can't you just use, like, a belt or a rope?" "Oh, I guess." "I mean, I guess you could use anything." "I mean, you could use an iPhone charger, a shoelace, a necktie, a jump-rope..." "Hm..." "Oh." "Ooh." "Oh, hello." "I'm looking for some" "Sorry, no looking allowed." "This store is for customers only." "Okay, then, I would like to buy a bicycle." "What would you recommend?" "One with a bell, or--?" "You got me." "I don't know anything about bicycles." "I'm J.D. Salinger." "I faked my own death." "Mr. Salinger." "Such a pleasure." "Princess Carolyn, big fan." "Let me guess, Catcher in the Rye?" "And others." "I wanna say The Hobbi" "Nope." "Look." "I'm an agent." "It doesn't matter whether I've read your work." "What matters is I can look you in the eye and tell you I'm a big fan." "The world is ready for your comeback, and I wanna help." "No, thank you." "Not interested." "Did that before, didn't work out well." "Fans were relentless." "The critics were cruel." "And that's why my motto is, "It's better to be alone."" "Which, come to think of it, is probably why I don't sell a lot of tandem bicycles." "But, J.D. Salinger, you are J.D. Salinger." "You are a goddamn American treasure." "But every time I go out in the world, people hound me about my books." "Well, book." "What if I told you there was a place where no one reads books?" "I'm listening." "A place where people only read headlines, lists and pictures." "A place where people hate reading so much, they hire others to do it for them and don't even pay a living wage." "What do you mean, like, modern reading slaves?" "Exactly." "And all those modern reading slaves really wanna be doing is writing things that, one day, other people will also avoid reading." "Does such a place truly exist?" "Come with me, J.D. Salinger." "Let's go to Hollywoo." "Hup!" "Oh..." "Hey." "Hey." "We need to talk." "Okay." "You're probably wondering what this beautiful mahogany box is." "I wasn't wondering that." "It's my auto-erotic asphyxiation kit." "I've decided to do the funky Spider-Man." "What?" "Funky Spider-Man?" "I came up with that one myself." "Because he hangs, then he shoots webbing." "Wait." "Are you saying you want to auto-erotic asphyxiate yourself?" "Yes." "I do." "Even though it's very dangerous" "and I could die." "Oh." "Now, if you love me, you probably wouldn't want me to do it." "Okay." "I get it." "Since you don't, I should do it, right?" "I mean, there's no reason not to..." "unless you love me." "Do it." "Wait." "Seriously?" "Seems like you've already made up your mind." "If you're that set on it, knock yourself out." "Only if I do it wrong." "Because as I mentioned before, it's very dangerous." "Have fun." "I'm serious." "I'm really gonna do it." "Great." "Put a towel down." "Not one of the good ones." "Morning time, Hollywoo." "I'm A Ryan Seacrest Type." "And I'm An Actress Or Something, I don't know, sitting in for Some Lady." "Whoa." "What happened to her?" "She got kidnapped." "Oh, boy." "Oh, my." "Ooh, wow." "Oh, hey." "Look who survived to masturbate another day." "Well, I didn't do it yet, obviously." "If I'm gonna do it, I'm gonna go all out." "A big job like that needs lumber, and pulleys, lemons, so forth." "I'm not gonna half-ass anything." "This is my orgasm we're talking about." "Okay." "Well, I wish you all the best." "Not too late to stop me." "I'm not gonna stop you." "Good 'cause don't." "All right, we're in agreement." "Stop fighting!" "Can't you two see what this is doing to me?" "I've been acting out." "Have a great day." "Todd?" "Get in the car." "It's time to get serious about auto-erotic asphyxiation." "Hooray!" "Question mark?" "Just play it cool, Todd." "No one needs to know why we're here." "Excuse me, I'm looking for something that will hold up a lot of weight." "Let's say something that could hoist up a horse comfortably by the neck." "Not for suicide purposes." "I'm trying to have a more fulfilling orgasm." "The world wept when news broke that J.D. Salinger died." "J.D. Salinger died?" "But I'm here to tell you, he didn't die." "J.D. Salinger didn't die?" "As one of the 20th century's most celebrated authors," "J.D. Salinger has inspired countless dreamers, eighth graders and occasionally, assassins." "His spare lyricism and devotion to character will undoubtedly translate into a penetrating dramatic work for this, the golden age of television writing." "J.D. Take it away." "I wanna do a show where people ask celebrities trivia questions." "What?" "Like a game show?" "Yeah." "You know because since they're famous people," "I think normal people would wanna see if they know trivia and stuff." "You know, like, Hollywoo stars and celebrities, what do they know?" "Do they know things?" "Let's find out." "What a hoot." "I love it, and I don't use that word with just anybody." "What do you call it?" "I call it Hollywoo Stars and Celebrities:" "What Do They Know?" "Do They Know Things?" "Let's Find Out." "It's maybe more of a working title." "I can see it on the marquee already." "Must be a long marquee." "It's long." "Yeah, yeah." "The celebrities can also do physical challenges." "Oh, it's perfect." "We've been searching for a companion for Hey, I Think You Can Dance." "But wait, wait one second." "Who's gonna host?" "Huh." "I've got the perfect guy." "Who wants to be in Nike Airs?" "Claire, you are looking off the charts "gorge" in those tennis shoes." "But let me ask you this:" "Would you like to buy a towel?" "Because I'm throwing one in for free." "He's perfect." "Mm-hm." "Mr. Peanutbutter?" "How would you like to be the host of J.D. Salinger's new celebrity game show?" "What?" "I knew destiny had a plan for me." "You know, it just goes to show, with the right attitude, every single one of your dreams will always come true." "And if your dreams don't come true, it's probably because you just didn't have the right attitude." "Today, one agent did something that no one else could." "I'll give you two hints: catcher and rye." "Oh." "Nothing." "It's nothing." "Charley Witherspoon caught a rye bagel coming out of the toaster." "Come again?" "It was coming fast and hot." "One day, some genius will invent some sort of bagel catcher that takes the guesswork out of this task, but until then, Charley gets a gold star." "Thanks, Dad." "I mean, Mr. Dad." "Oh..." "Oh, boy." "Hey." "Wasn't sure if I'd see you." "Still alive?" "Because auto-erotic asphyxiation is so risky?" "Well, here I am, for now." "BoJack..." "Wait." "Did you fix the bed?" "Yeah." "I was at the hardware store picking up supplies for my auto-erotic asphyxiation machine." "Because, as you are aware," "I'm preparing to auto-erotic asphyxiate myself." "Figured I'd get stuff for the bed so you could at least get a good night's sleep." "Okay, BoJack." "Wanna talk about the elephant in the room?" "Wow." "Okay." "You know what?" "You know what?" "Here's" " First of all" "Wow." "All right, I can't even" "You know what?" "I" "Wow." "He is never gonna forget that." "What is this all about?" "This isn't about anything but the pursuit of the kind of orgasm that feels like a rainbow with every color." "So, a regular rainbow." "No." "So, if you don't mind, as long as you don't love me," "I have a noose to step into." "I just need to release this lever, drop these bags of sand, which act as counterweights, and then just pull this nozzle." "Perfect." "Okay." "Have fun." "Wait, Wanda." "Okay, fine, you stupid baby." "I love you." "I" " I knew it." "But I'm not going to tell you not to do the funky Spider-Man." "What?" "You need to be responsible for yourself." "That doesn't sound like me." "I know." "But if you love me, too, you won't do it." "I thought so." "Okay." "Just for the record, I never really wanted to do this in the first place," "Me not doing it is not a sign that I love you." "It's just because I'm a coward." "Okay." "I don't love you." "Sure, you don't." "I don't." "Come back here." "I don't love you." "You don't make me feel less broken." "I don't get it." "I singlehandedly got a Lady Footlocker store employee a primetime show and resurrected a certified dead man and nobody cared." "Why do I do anything?" "Hey." "Do you need the movie star speech?" "Yeah." "Okay." "Carolyn, you are the star of a movie." "This is the part of the movie where you get your heart broken." "Where the world tests you, and people treat you like shit." "But it has to happen this way." "Otherwise, the end of the movie, when you get everything you want, won't feel as rewarding." "There are assholes out there, but in the end, they don't matter." "Because this movie's not about them." "It's never been about them." "All this time, the movie's been about you." "Thanks." "Carolyn?" "Yes, Rutabaga?" "I think Katie and I are getting a divorce." "Corduroy?" "I don't want this thing anymore." "Corduroy?" "Hey, you decent, man? Oh, sweet Jesus." "♪ Back in the '90s ♪" "♪ I was in a very famous TV show ♪" "♪ I'm BoJack the Horse ♪ -♪ BoJack!" "♪" "♪ BoJack the Horse Don't act like you don't know ♪" "♪ And I'm trying to hold on to my past ♪" "♪ It's been so long I don't think I'm gonna last ♪" "♪ I guess I'll just try And make you understand ♪" "♪ That I'm more horse than a man ♪" "♪ Or I'm more man than a horse ♪" "♪ BoJack!" "♪" "Boxer versus raptor." "Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na." "Thank you, Billy Crystal, for that impression of a black person." "I'm Scott Wolf." "And I'm Matthew Fox." "We may be a group of five on TV, but any of these next nominees would be welcome to join our party any day." "" "The nominees for Male Animal in a Comedy, Drama or Variety Show are:" "BoJack Horseman, Horsin' Around." "Now that's what I call horsin' around." "Uh..." "Yeah." "Mr. Peanutbutter, Mr. Peanutbutter's House." "Now that's what I call doggin' around." "And finally, my personal favorite," "Hank Hippopopalous, Hank After Dark!" "Oh, boy, get it off, get it off." " 21 00:01:00,120 -- 00:01:01,700 Hiya!" "And the animals' choice is..." "Hank Hippopopalous, Hank After Dark! Oh, yeah." "No, no, no, no." "It's because we're on a show called Party of Five." "Get it?" "Hey, buddy, pass me that bottle of vodka?" "That's not really how this works." "It's open bar, don't be a dick." "BoJack Horseman?" "Do I know you?" "This is my better half, Katrina Peanutbutter." "Katrina, BoJack." "I don't watch TV." "Can I get another drink now or will that quote, unquote "embarrass" you?" "Uh, uh, no, I would never be" "Erica!" "Throw me a raft." "I'm dying." "My friends told me to get a prenup, but I was like, "Hey, marriage lasts forever."" "Listen, I'm doing my own thing here." "Can you believe two guys like us were even in the same category as Hank Hippopopalous?" "That's Uncle Hanky." "Listen, Peanutbottle, there is no "guys like us."" "I'm BoJack Horseman." "You're just some other guy I'll probably never talk to again." "Hey, boys." "What is this, a crossover episode? That is the funniest thing I have ever heard." "Uncle Hanky." "Sir, I am your biggest fan." "I used to watch Hank Hippopopalous's Dance-Pop Cosmopolis every day after school." "Hey, can I get a picture with you?" "Of course, kid." "Here, let me advance this." "And we probably got it." "And we'll find out in four to six weeks." "Yeah, I can't wait." "Okay, I gotta go." "My wife's hand just disappeared into that busboy's pants." "Treasure?" "Sweetheart?" "We're in public." "Hey, kid, listen." "Don't beat yourself up too bad." "I've seen your show." "You're really funny." "Yeah?" "Yeah." "But I'm Uncle Hanky." "You can't beat Uncle Hanky." "That's just the way it is." "Oh." "This suit needs more flasks." "Diane!" "Aah!" "Will you bring me one of those big Toblerone bars?" "Well, sure." "But, you know, I won't be out there for another month." "Yes, I know, but I always forget to write these things down." "Tell me, how's your little movie?" "Actually one of the stars just died." "It's really sad." "Oh, really?" "One person died?" "Just one?" "Yeah, well, that's a real tragedy." "Meanwhile, Diane, here in Cordovia, I'm stitching children's arms back on." "Oh, that's backwards, isn't it?" "Are you giving me a thumb's up or a thumb's down?" "I can't tell." "Well, now the production's on hiatus so BoJack and I are going on a book tour to promote the new paperback edition of One Trick Pony." "Please get here soon, Diane." "The people of Cordovia need you and I need that Toblerone." "Okay, listen, you big dummy." "You need to be on your best behavior for this tour." "Don't do that BoJack thing where you go off-script and get a lot of people mad at you." "What?" "I don't do that." "You're a movie star now." "Any bad press you get can hurt Secretariat." "Now boarding, Flight 422 to Juneau." "Please." "We're going to Alaska." "How am I gonna offend a bunch of inbred Eskimo blubber-munchers?" "You're right." "What was I thinking?" "The Republic of Cordovia's Prince Gustav visiting Los Angeles this week while his country rests on the brink of civil war." "Prince Gustav is a ruthless despot, but I'd still rather share a bed with him than my ex-wife." "Shannon, I didn't mean that." "Listen." "With Hey, I Think You Can Dance as a lead-in, we are expecting big things for Hollywoo Stars and Celebrities:" "What Do They Know?" "Do They Know Things?" "Let's Find Out, or H.S.A.C.W.D.T.K.D.T.K.T.L.F.O. for short." "Mm." "Why don't we get Hank in here?" "You guys can get some pictures together." "Hank is coming here?" "That old guy from Hey, I Think You Can Dance?" "What's the big deal?" "You don't understand." "When I was a kid, this guy was the guy." "I even bought his novelty rap album, The Hank Hippopopalous Hip-Hop Hypothesis." "You shouldn't meet your hero on an empty stomach." "Want me to go get you some chili?" "Good call." "Chili is nature's chillaxative." "Hiya, folks!" "Howdy!" "Hank Hippopopalous." "Oh, we've met." "Oh, oh, yeah." "I remember that." "Okay, so, I thought for the ad, you guys could stand back to back." "And then on the billboard it'll say:" ""Hank and Mr. Peanutbutter are back to back." "Thursdays on MBN."" "So, what should I do with my arms?" "Like akimbo?" "You're fine." "Reverse akimbo?" "No, that" "King Tut?" "Mashed Potato?" "Windmill?" "Uh-oh, I'm windmilling." "Got a momentum going." "Can't stop windmilling now." "Hey, hey." "Why don't we just do what feels natural?" "Guys like us?" "We're pros." ""Guys like us"?" "You think I'm a guy like us?" "Oh, this is the happiest moment of my life." "Excuse me, would you get a picture of us?" "Yeah, that's kind of the idea." "Now we open the floor to questions from the audience." "BoJack, your book talked a lot about how much you love apple fritters." "Yeah, thanks for that, Diane." "So, my question is:" "Do you think Israel has a right to defend herself?" "Uh..." "And what part should the U.S. play as an ally? Well, the thing about that... Uh..." "It's a shame that Arafat walked away from the table in 2000." "I mean, obviously there's no panacea, but a two-state solution with an emphasis on human rights feels like a place to begin." "Brilliant insight." "Very good." "My question is for Diane Nyu" " Nyu" "Oh." " Nyu" "You won't get it." "Ask the question." "Your book went to some revealing places." "Were you worried at all that it would hurt BoJack or his career?" "That's a great question." "I'd also like to know the answer to that, Diane." "Well, I think the truth is worth pursuing, no matter what." "BoJack's not perfect." "There are other celebrities who have done much worse things and it hasn't hurt their careers." "Like who?" "I don't know, like Mike Tyson or..." "Sean Penn, or Josh Brolin, or Christian Slater, Woody Allen," "Hank Hippopopalous, Bill Murray..." "Wait, wait, what about Hank Hippopopalous?" "Well, all of his former assistants have made the same allegations." "I feel like we're getting off track." "Do you not know that?" "Any questions about me, the handsome, famous horse with a book?" "What do you have against Uncle Hanky?" "I'm not saying anything not on the public record." "You can just Google "Hank Hippopopalous allegations" and I" "Oh, you don't have to Google it right now." "Dear God." "Stanky Hanky?" "Allegations vile and ranky." "But first, the visiting Cordovian Prince Gustav went missing briefly this afternoon, but he was quickly found buying chili in Beverly Hills." "His official statement was, "Uh, yeah, I'm the Prince of Cordovia." "Hooray, being a prince."" "Our main story, ominous and anomalous accusations against Hank Hippopopalous." "Who is this anonymous Diane Nguyen and what does she have against our beloved hippopotamus?" "Joining me now is Hippopopalous apologist and armchair sociologist, Cardigan Burke." "Cardigan, what are these allegations?" "These allegations are so crazy, I can't even say them on TV or I'll sound like a crazy person." "What I want to know is why we're letting a national treasure face the same kind of smear tactics used by the Viet Cong." "Are you calling attention to the fact that Ms. Nguyen is Vietnamese?" "I'd like to think that's a coincidence." "You gotta see this set they're building!" "There's a giant replica of my head, and every episode, the eyes light up with dollar signs, confetti shoots out of the ears, then I somersault out the mouth." "We're bringing class back to primetime." "Sounds amazing." "And I'm really getting along with J.D. Salinger." "Did you know we both hate phonies?" "I did know that." "So..." "listen." "Some website called "Tit Puncher"" "is saying you said some stuff about Hank Hippopopalous." "Oh, my God, Mr. Peanutbutter, I didn't mean for that to happen." "Hey, do me a favor." "Please don't make a big thing out of this." "It's really not a good time, you know, with my show about to launch." "Hey, we are on the same page." "Oh, are you also on "Tit Puncher"?" "Because you should not read the comments." "Believe me, nothing would make me happier than for this to just go away." "Great." "I love you, too." "Hello." "Oh, my God!" "Is chili you ask for." "I am peasant boy Todd from village." "Friend of Peanut Man, and lover of federated American states." "No reason for suspicions." "Come on!" "Wait a second, something's different." "I am... digging this new cologne!" "You smell like a fancy cabbage." "Is so great to be in meager trash city Los Angeles with no pressures of royal life." "What?" "Royal life?" "Why I'm saying?" "I am no royal." "Look at me." "Normals." "There's that classic self-deprecating Todd wit." "I'd know it anywhere." "We will now begin our Q and A." "Fire when ready." "What you got against Uncle Hanky, you uppity cooze?" "Diane, I believe this question is for you." "If anyone here has any questions about the book," "I'd be happy to answer those." "As would I, BoJack Horseman," "Golden-Globe winning star of the book." "If Hank did anything wrong, they wouldn't let him on TV, right?" "I'm really not here to talk about that." "You women are all the same." "Excuse me?" "Yeah, you make these broad accusations to get attention for yourself, and when you don't have proof to back it up, you just slink away." "I'm not slinking away." "I just wanted to say one thing about me." "I text and drive like all the time." "What?" "Isn't that what happened with all those assistants?" "They took his money, and they don't even care they could be ruining a man's life." "What?" "They ruined his life?" "You should probably just drop this." "Oh, I'm gonna drop it, all right." "They don't even know how much I'm gonna drop it." "The way you said that made it sound like you won't drop it." "How dare you spread a narrative that" "Don't tell me what to spread." "I'll spread whatever I want." "It's called one of the amendments." "Ladies, please!" "Don't get hysterical!" "This is completely" "Yeah, hi." "I'm Diane's friend, BoJack." "I came with her." "I gotta say I'm opposed to child labor, like as a rule, but there are some kinds of labor that children are just better at." "You ever try to fit into a mine shaft?" "That is a tight squeeze." "What?" "Oh, man, probably gonna get some letters about that, huh?" "I'm so incorrigible." "Everyone's paying attention to me now!" "Okay, I'm gonna go get a snack." "Anyone else want a snack?" "No?" "That's a no?" "On the snacks?" "Okay." "What do you have against Hank Hippopopalous?" "Everyone says he's a really nice guy." "Good point." "That's exactly the problem." "Because he's so nice, people don't wanna think he's capable of awful things so they let him off the hook." "We don't know what happened." "It's a classic "he said, she said."" ""He said, they said." It's eight different women." "Are they all lying?" "I mean, probably." "We do that." "At this point, we just don't know enough to judge." "Who are these women?" "Have they ever shoplifted perhaps?" "Do they wear short shorts?" "Do they drink alcohol?" "All these things are possible." "We don't know the facts." "See, this is part of the problem." "You're supposed to be a journalist." "You won't even tell your audience what he's accused of." "You're an expert." "Why don't you tell us?" "I'm not afraid to say it." "Eight different women, all former assistants, claim that Uncle Hanky took them to a" "What is Diane doing?" "I know." "It's supposed to be my book tour and she's upstaging me." "Like how it was supposed to be my book." "Actually, this might be a thing she does." "She knows that Hippopopalous is the only thing keeping my network afloat, right?" "The same network that employs her husband." "Why would she do this?" "Sometimes she just whips herself into a frenzy and she loses all perspective." "Goddamn it, honeydew?" "!" "Jesus, why does cantaloupe think every time it gets invited to a party, it can bring along its dumb friend honeydew?" "You don't get a plus-one, cantaloupe!" "You need to talk to her." "Huh." "Wanda, I just got back from a set visit on Contemporary Family." "It's a disaster!" "What?" "The kids have gone through puberty." "They are rubbing themselves on everything." "If it isn't one thing, it's ano-- Just get a hose!" "Aha!" "I went to house to pick up mail for you like real American Johnny." "Hey, man." "Whoa!" "You know it's a federal crime to go through someone else's mail?" "I do not know your customs, for I am dirt-poor servant child." "Oh, don't worry about it." "Now walk me through that mail." "Death threat for wife, death threat for wife, once more death threat, and here many monies off for Bed Bath Beyond." "Seems like great U.S.A. dream castle!" "Good Lord, that's graphic." "How would she even fit one of those in there?" "Some sort of funnel." "Oh, I see, there's actually an illustration." "Excuse, Dog Dog Peanut Man?" "This wife, she poke bear, yes?" "Yeah, I guess she kind of did." "They have a saying where I am from, which is here." "Bear not like to be poke." "Bear get angry..." "Right." "and destroy peasant rebel army with fist of fire of which make many, many nightmares to children and men!" "Todd, I can always count on you to give me the straight dope." "Please don't ever change." "Okay, just kill the whole feature." "Replace it with" " Oh, I don't know." "What's Gwyneth doing for Purim?" "Diane?" "I want you to meet Amanda Hannity, editor-in-chief here at Manatee Fair." "The pleasure's yours." "Walk with me, squawk with me." "That woman can knock a drink back like a Kennedy at a wake for another Kennedy, but damn if she doesn't get shit done." "No." "Yes." "Turtleneck." "You're fired." "Um, okay, I wanted to pitch you an exposé on Hank Hippopopalous." "I would love to take down Hippopopalous and finally topple the acropolis of monstrous hypocrisy that ensconces us." "Hey, wouldn't your readers prefer something more relevant?" "Like, uh, what to do with all those extra buttons that come with your shirts." "Amanda, I am so glad you're throwing your weight behind this." "Oh, I didn't mean" "That dress is hideous." "Go home, burn it and come back." "When we know what we know about a monster like that and we still put him on TV every week, we're teaching a generation of young boys and girls that a man's reputation is more important than the lives of the women he's ruined." "Yes, exactly!" "I feel like I've been alone in a crazy alternate universe these last few days." "Well, you know I got your back, right?" "We women have got to stick to-- Hey, fruit plate." "No, people don't want articles about that." "People want life-hacks." "Diane, you need to be strong." "Everyone is gunning for you." "You're a woman talking out of turn about a man." "We're not supposed to have opinions." "We're supposed to smile and look pretty." "No, this model doesn't look as pretty as the other one." "Can we kill it?" "Scarves, not just for necks anymo" "We need to sit you down with someone who's willing to go on the record." "I already reached out to all eight of Hank's former assistants." "Nothing." "What about his current assistant?" "You think she'd talk?" "I don't know." "What do you think, answering machine? Hi, my name's Nicole." "I work for Mr. Hippopopalous and, um..." "I really need to talk to someone." "Are you kidding me?" "With this honeydew right now?" "Ugh!" "Nicole?" "Mm-hm." "Hello, Diane." "Thank you, Nicole." "Prince Gustav today startled the international community when he gave his royal fortune to charity." "What?" "Oh, no!" "And fired his chief advisor, who can be seen in this file photo looking vaguely suspicious." "Oh, you idiot!" "No!" "Big reforms which could lead to sweeping change in the embattled region, or a precipitous economic collapse." "But back to our main story, what is Diane's problem?" "I'll say it once, for your article." "I didn't do any of those things that you're accusing me of." "I wanna be very clear." "I'm not meeting you here because I'm scared of you." "This is me doing you a favor." "I think you are scared of me." "I'm not a bad guy, Diane, and I truly do believe that." "Twenty-four hours from now, the news cycle will move on to something else." "I'll go back to hosting my dance show, which employs hundreds of nice, good, hardworking people." "You, on the other hand, are pretty much done." "People love me and they're not gonna forgive you for this." "This isn't about me." "If you keep pushing this, you're gonna drag down the people close to you." "Look, you had your fun." "So, why don't you call it a day and go home to your husband?" "I know who you are." "Sweetheart, everyone knows who I am." "I'm Hank Hippopopalous." "Who the hell are you?" "So, you got nothing." "I'm not giving up." "There's gotta be someone who will talk." "Oh, listen." "I had a conversation with my bosses at AOL-Time Warner-Pepsico- Viacom-Halliburton-Skynet" "Toyota-Trader Joe's, and we agreed these kind of stories, they don't sell magazines." "Are you seriously killing this?" "It's just not a good time." "So, this has nothing to do with the fact that AOL-Time Warner-Pepsico" "Viacom-Halliburton-Skynet-Toyota- Trader Joe's also owns MBN, and is currently profiting off of Hank Hippopopalous's good reputation?" "I know you're upset." "Would you like a Joe-Joe?" "It's just like an Oreo, but Trader Joe's style." "No, I don't want a Joe-Joe." "Because you're mad at me, right?" "Not because Joe-Joes taste like garbage?" "So, help me to understand..." "Dog friend's program is to find what celebrities know?" "Yep." "So, is torture?" "We don't torture people in America, Todd." "That's called one of the amendments." "No, of course." "In America, you do not know to suffer." "You eat your cheesy pizza, you drink your ade of gator." "This life is nice for visit but no way for live." "I go now." "Back to palace! Sounds great, Todd." "See you tomorrow." "So, they hated the skorts idea, huh?" "No, I didn't pitch your skorts idea." "Hey, Diane!" "Why don't you shut your stupid ugly face?" "!" "Don't you talk to her like that!" "Yeah, don't listen to that guy, Diane." "I say you should shut your stupid pretty face." "This is not over." "When people hear what" "Give it a rest." "It's over." "You lost." "How could you say that?" "What are you doing here?" "I mean, what is your endgame in all of this?" "You don't actually believe Hank's innocent, do you?" "Of course not, but that doesn't matter." "You're not gonna beat this guy." "I" "What?" "Todd?" "BoJack!" "Thank God you found me." "I thought I would never see you again." "We're in the middle of something." "I got mixed up in some bad stuff and a genocide may or may not have been perpetrated in my name." "Maybe you heard about it on the news?" "No, most of the news has been about Diane and Hank Hippopopalous." "What?" "Why?" "This is really serious." "Oh, of course your thing is serious and my thing is just a dumb feminist trying to get attention by attacking a famous man, is that it?" "Uh, what?" "No." "Eat shit, Diane!" "You eat shit!" "Diane, obviously Todd doesn't know what you're talking about." "He spent the last few days at Burning Man or whatever getting high." "No!" "That's not what happened at all." "A stranger just told me to eat shit." "I don't understand why you can't be on my side about this." "I am on your side." "And I'm telling you you're not gonna win this thing." "Also, P.S., when have you ever been on my side?" "I am always on your side." "Really?" "Like when you wrote that book?" "Was that you being on my side?" "You're not still mad about the book." "You manipulated me and completely took advantage of" "Guys?" "There is a very fragile alliance between the Cords and the Ovians." "If we don't do something" "Todd, nobody cares." "Nobody cares, Todd." "Everything I did was to help you tell the story" "I knew you wanted to tell." "You got everything you wanted because of that book." "You were a joke, now people take you seriously." "You were out of work, now you got your dream role." "Okay, yes." "All of that is true." "But also, you were my friend and you hurt my feelings." "And it's weird that you never apologized for that... and that you still won't." "Well..." "I'm sorry I hurt your feelings." "Are you?" "Yes, actually." "I am." "I didn't want to do that and I probably could have handled things better." "I definitely should have." "I'm sorry." "Okay." "But this is bigger than you and me." "And I need you in my corner now because I don't have anybody else." "Well, okay." "Yeah?" "Yeah." "I'm in your corner." "Guys, earlier, some general asked me if it was "a go"" "...on "that thing we talked about"?" "And I said, "Yes." And he said, "God help us all" and left the room." "Now I'm not sure that was the right answer." "So, then I called Wayne to see if I could write a story for Buzzfeed." "Here's the good news:" "They'll publish anything." "Hey, um..." "Can I talk to you?" "Yeah, of course." "What's up?" "I asked you, really nicely, not to make a big thing out of this." "Yeah, I know, but someone" "Had to say something, right?" "And that someone had to be you?" "Because... why?" "I really don't get it." "What is accomplished by you being the one to take a stand on this?" "Uh..." " 512 00:23:19,290 -- 00:23:20,290 Mr. Peanutbutter" "This game show is a really big deal for me." "And I know that sounds stupid to you, and small." "But I need this to go well, and I can't..." "Those are death threats." "People want to murder my wife because of what she's saying on the news about something that she has nothing to do with." ""You can't." "You stupid, ugly can't."" "Yeah, that doesn't say "can't."" "Oh." "God, you know, you'd almost be safer in Cordovia." "Yeah, maybe I should go to Cordovia." "I'm obviously not making a difference here." "Actually, maybe you should." "Go feel good about yourself and do your important work." "And maybe some space might be good for us." "You don't really want me to go, do you?" "Why does it suddenly matter what I want?" "Flight 57, Cordovian Airlines, now boarding." "Hank, I have to ask, did you do it?" "No, I did not." "Well, that's good enough for me." "Coming up, Kanye West claims to hate Thin Mints." "Our panel is outraged." "Hating Thin Mints?" "Is he legally insane?" "You can bet we'll get into this further in the next hour." "This is the only thing I care about now." "Hey." "Smile. ♪ Back in the '90s ♪" "♪ I was in a very famous TV show ♪" "♪ I'm BoJack the horse ♪ -♪ BoJack!" "♪" "♪ BoJack the horse Don't act like you don't know ♪" "♪ And I'm trying to hold onto my past ♪" "♪ It's been so long I don't think I'm gonna last ♪" "♪ I guess I'll just try And make you understand ♪" "♪ That I'm more horse than a man ♪" "♪ Or I'm more man than a horse ♪" "♪ BoJack!" "♪" "Boxer versus raptor." "Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na." "We're live in five minutes, folks." "Make way." "Someone find out the average rainfall in Bora Bora." "Thank you so much for doing this." "Hey, there are a lot of advantages to being the girlfriend of a big celebrity." "It's more than being an elbow they couldn't crop out of a red-carpet shot in US Weekly." "I've been that elbow." "Hello, what have we here?" "So you know how the game's played, right?" "I'm sure I'll pick it up." "How hard could it be?" "You didn't read the treatment?" "I faxed it to you." "My bad, our fax machine isn't plugged in." "BoJack, this is our first show and it is very important that things run smoothly tonight." "I mean, do you even care about this at all?" "Sweetie, no." "I think this is stupid and a waste of everybody's time." "But you're my girlfriend and I care about you." "So I'm here." "Okay." "Break a leg." "Me, me, me." "My, my, my." "Bow-wow-wow-wow." "Good boy, good boy." "Okay, this is it, everybody." "Moment of truth." "Now it's in the hands of god." "And for the next 30 minutes, I am that God." "I got you an iPad, ma'am." "Oh, no thanks, Mia." "I'm still working my way through the last 30 years of technology." "Right now I'm on Palm Pilot." "But you can use our second screen app to see what viewers say about the show as it airs." "Oh, cool, I love stupid bullshit like this." "Ooh." "Oh, you just touch it." "Hello, I am Mustache Todd." "Like regular Todd, but with a mustache." "Listen boo-boo, I didn't graduate first in my class from a prestigious university, rise through the ranks at an elite news organization, win a well-known award, never ever be sick at sea and also my name is Mia McKibben, so that I could deal with your nonsense." "Todd, stay out of Hair and Makeup." "But I like it there." "They brush my hair and tell me stories about their weekends." "Big-nosed Todd wasn't funny, Zombie Todd wasn't funny," "Pretty Lady Todd wasn't funny, and this isn't funny." "No more tomfoolery." "When it's me, we call it "Todd-foolery."" "We certainly do not call it that." "Listen up, everyone." "What you are part of tonight is bigger than you." "It's bigger than any of us." "I expect all of you to work together." "But I also expect that one of you will tower above the rest." "And that outstanding individual will receive this pen." "It was through this pen that I bled" "Raise High The Roof Beam, Carpenters upon the page." "Also, it has four different colors." "Black, red, blue and for some reason, green." "By the end of tonight, this pen will be bestowed upon the person most deserving." "Because nothing is more important than television, and no one more important than the people who make that television." "Now, let's get to work." "And five, four," "three, two..." "Showtime. -- 61 00:03:38,200 -- 00:03:41,870 Live from the historic Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip," "J.D. Salinger Presents:" "Hollywoo Stars And Celebrities, What Do They Know?" "Do They Know Things?" "Let's Find Out! Ah." "All right!" "Here we go." "Listen to that crowd." "If they lose it this much for Mr. Peanutbutter, can you imagine what they're going to do for a real celebrity?" "Hey, this is Mr. Peanutbutter's show, so be nice." "When you say nice, do you mean kind?" "Or, like, delivering a lot of sick burns, so that people in the audience go, "Nice."" "The first one." "Obviously the first one." "Tonight we answer the age-old question:" ""Hollywoo stars and celebrities, what do they know?" "Do they know things?" "Let's find out!"" " 79 00:04:23,330 -- 00:04:24,920 And now our first-ever guest." "You know him from his years on Horsin' Around, his drunk appearance on The View, and his bestselling book, it's BoJack Horseman." " 84 00:04:35,960 -- 00:04:37,500 There you are." "How are you doing?" "BoJack, welcome." "It is great to be here." "Sorry, no time for idle chit-chat, because we've entered" "the Small Talk Round." "The what now? Thirty seconds on the clock." "BoJack, how are you?" "Uh, fine?" "Correct." "Did you see the game last night?" "No, I don't follow" "Oh." " 93 00:04:55,980 -- 00:04:58,570 Oh, so sorry." "It says here you did see the game." "What game?" "Ready camera one?" "Camera one." "You tell me." "You're the one who saw it." "I don't" "God, no!" " 99 00:05:07,410 -- 00:05:08,740" "What the--?" "That noise means it's time for your first General Knowledge question." "Audience, does BoJack know things?" "Let's find out!" "BoJack, what is the average annual rainfall in Bora Bora?" "Uh, this is general knowledge?" "It's just an average we're asking for." "I don't know, seven?" "Wrong!" "So wrong." "Wow, when it comes to Bora Bora, maybe this celebrity should have studied more-a more-a." "Yes, Mr. Peanutbutter." "Go for the kill." "That doesn't really seem" "They're all dead!" "I watched them die!" "What is--?" "Oh-ho." "That sound means it's time to pick your category." ""Trigonometry." "Advanced Physics," and "At the Movies With Mr. Peanutbutter."" "At the Movies With Mr. Peanutbutter." "Good choice." "After seeing J.J. Abrams' Star Trek reboot, did I call it:" "A, "A visual feast for the senses,"" "B, "A zestful lark through time and space,"" "C, "The best Zachary Quinto movie of all time,"" "or D, "All of the above"?" "I'll say D?" "Ouch, the answer was A and B." "Though I would also agree with C." "So I told Mr. Peanutbutter I'd drive him here, and next thing I know, I'm an Associate Producer." "Stupid me." "I went to Stanford." "Next time I'll just try that thing where I'm a huge dumbass who happens to be friends with Mr. Peanutbutter." "Yup." "Cool." "Well, have fun watching me win that pen." "I don't need a pen." "I can walk into any Chili's with a child under 12 and get crayons for free." "You don't get it." "If Salinger gives you his pen, that means you're worth something." "It means you're a serious person who's going places." "Actually, you know what?" "Don't worry about it." "It's not for you." "I'm gonna go with nuclear fusion." "Oh, the answer is Egypt." "Turn up the directional heat lamps." "Oh, yeah." "Let's really make him sweat." "Surprised you didn't get that one, since you're an expert when it comes to de-Nile." "Quick impression. "I'm not an alcoholic."" "You love it." "Oh, yeah, pretty good one from King Mutt over here." "Am I right?" "You know, like King Tut?" "Because we're talking about Egypt?" "And Mr. Peanutbutter's a mutt, so..." "You suck." "I'm a yellow lab, BoJack." "You could get one thing right tonight." " 150 00:07:25,590 -- 00:07:28,550 Anyway, let's take a moment to look at the great comments" "we've been getting on our second screen app, now available for download." "And we're out." "Fifteen seconds, everybody." "Hey, how am I doing?" "You're kind of being a dick." "Hey, are we at Tony Roma's right now?" "Because there's a lot of ribbing going on here." "I'm not ribbing you." "I'm telling you, you're" "And we're back in three, two..." " 159 00:07:47,280 -- 00:07:48,320 Welcome back." "Will BoJack Horseman go down in show history as our worst contestant ever?" "So far, yes." "Wow." "J.D., people are loving this show." "Wait till they see this." "Mia, get ready to drop the bomb." "Death from above!" "Uh-oh." "That sound means it's time to drop "da" bomb." "And yes folks, I said "da," not "the."" "What I'm trying to say is, it's a positive bomb." "Audience, let's..." "Drop da bomb!" "Did you guys all practice before the show, because" "Ladies and gentlemen, we've had some fun with our little celebrity." "But now, let's meet our big celebrity." "Big celebrity?" "Say hello to..." "Daniel Radcliffe!" "Hi, I'm Daniel Radcliffe." "Hello." "Oh, my God!" "It's Daniel Radcliffe!" " 177 00:08:36,950 -- 00:08:40,870 We'll find out what our big celebrity knows right after this break." "And we're out." "Oh, we're cooking now." "Hey, you, you're doing great." "I'm not 100 percent watching because I'm so engrossed in the second screen experience, but according to the second screen experience, other people are loving the show." "You didn't tell me there would be another celebrity." "Well, I had no idea that was coming but some guy named Dong-Slinger-420 loved the surprise." "He said, "Two dongs way up."" "There was no mention of another bigger celebrity in the document you faxed?" "I couldn't read it." "My fax machine cut it into little strips." "That sounds like a shredder." "Well, I guess I shredded it to you." "I gotta deal with this." "If I don't interact with this app every 80 seconds, it charges my credit card five dollars." "Love you." "Ehh... you, too." "Could you get the base a little less pale?" "Hey, Daniel, good to see you." "Always nice to meet a fan." "No, sorry, I'm not a, uh" " I'm an actor." "Oh, good for you." "It's a dreadful business but hang in there." "No, I already did hang in there." "I'm BoJack Horseman?" "We've actually met before." "At Chris Martin's holiday party?" "We stepped outside for a smoke?" "To get away from Chris Martin?" "Huh." "You opened up about your fear of success?" "I gave you some advice?" "You said I was a true friend and you would never forget me?" "And you said your name was Chadwick Boseman?" "BoJack Horseman." "Oh, I'm sorry." "When you're as famous as I am, you meet so many people." "Sorry, we need you guys back on set." "You were the second hairdresser's assistant on The Ellen Show about five years ago." "Veronica, right?" "Yeah, that's right." "How was your mother's party in the end?" "And we're back in five, four, three, two..." "So you never say one, huh?" "Welcome back, America." "We love you, Daniel." "So do I. So let's watch our celebrities go..." "Audience?" "Head to head!" "How could they possibly know that?" "This is the first episode, right?" " 221 00:10:27,980 -- 00:10:31,730 The puppets clap when the puppetmaster pulls the strings." "Hello." "Serious, Going-Places Todd at your service." "Hey, look at you, all dressed up for the Dipshit Awards." "You know you're not allowed in Hair and Makeup." "Are you wearing roller skates?" "I'm wearing Heelys." "They're shoes with wheels, for efficiency purposes." "Now I can be serious faster." "You can also go nowhere faster." "Seeing as I am a professional" "No!" "Oh, BoJack." "Another embarrassingly wrong answer, bringing your score down by 80 points and 12 dollars." "Why are we playing for both points and dollars?" "Oh, tough break, B.J. Novak!" "My name is" "Our next question is to Mr. Radcliffe." ""What color comes from the combination of blue and yellow?"" "I actually know this one." "When I was growing up, my neighbor was a painter." "I remember visiting his flat and watching him work." "Sometimes he would mix together blue paint with yellow paint and it made an entirely new color." "And that man was Banksy." "And that color was green." "Final answer." "Correct!" "You've earned the chance to go for a spin in our Kia Sportage Cash Grab Booth." "Oh, splendid." "And while Daniel's in the booth, BoJack, you have an essay question." "What?" "You'll find a blue book on your podium." ""To what extent was feudalism a cause of the French Revolution?"" "Wait, are you ser" " Oh!" "And go!" "While BoJack works, let's check out the action" "on our Kia Sportage Cash Grab Booth Cam." " 254 00:11:55,490 -- 00:11:57,200" "Hey, champ." "What are you doing here?" "I'm trying to write an essay." "I came to ask you how you were doing and then to tell you you're not doing so well." "Why am I getting the hard questions, while Boy Wizard over there just has to know colors and literally grab cash out of thin air?" "A five!" "This is so easy!" "I think I might be able to help you out." "Let me tell you a story." "The year was 2003 and for some reason, everyone was playing poker all of a sudden." "A then-relevant Wilmer Valderrama used to host a weekly how-do-you-do and all the stars came out to show off their tricks." "There was Lucy Lawless, Lucy Liu, Lori Laughlin, Lisa Loeb, the dog from Frasier, and at the head of the table?" "Big Money himself, Mr. Peanutbutter." "Whoops." "Woh-oh." "I thought, "Here's a rube." But Lady Luck had other plans." "You know what, I got an essay to write, so if this isn't about the precipitous fall of the French ruling class" "But then I saw, the kid had a tell." "I feel like that story had a lot of unnecessary details in it." "Listen." "You have to pay close attention, it's subtle, but when he gets excited, his ears ever so slightly flop up and give him away." "Well, that's no surprise." "Guy's been flopping upwards his whole career." "Mm-hm." "Watch the ears." "Time's up, Daniel." "Whoa, looks like D to the R to the Ad to the Cliffe just won 54,000 bonus dollars." "And BoJack barely got beyond his thesis statement. "A continent ravaged by war, coupled with the retreat of the church from secular life..."" "And then it just stops?" " 291 00:13:39,010 -- 00:13:41,850 Oh, that's gonna cost you some serious pesos." "But first, it's time for our Multiple Choice Buzz-In Round." "A buzz-in round?" "All right." "In is my favorite direction in which to buzz." "Tell me, "How many oak trees are needed to build an 18th century triple-decker Royal Navy battle ship?" "A, 75?" "B, 1000?" "Or C, 3500?"" "C!" "3500!" "Um, correct." "Uh, what?" "Uh, wow." "That's, uh..." " 302 00:14:08,290 -- 00:14:09,880 That's actually correct." "How the hell did he know that?" "What else does he know?" "Does he know things?" "Let's find out." "Quantum tunneling." "King Magnus the Second." "Miss Scarlet in the library with the lead pipe." "Sassafras." "Butterscotch!" "Argyle." "Because seven eight nine." " 309 00:14:28,010 -- 00:14:31,560 What an amazing run." "It looks like we've got a tied game." "Which is an exciting surprise." "Goddamn it, throw to commercial." "We'll be right back." "Hey." "Horshack." "What's going on?" "What's going on is I'm kicking your ass." "Yeah, you know, you're doing great, but I'm supposed to win." "That was the deal." "Plug my movie, win money for charity." "Well, tell Charity she can kiss my ass." "By the way, your girlfriend has a stripper name." "It's not my girlfriend, it's charity." "BoJack, according to this app, you're almost tied." "Oh, you are tied, there's a lag." "Congratulations." "Thanks." "It was touch and go" "But I'm a little concerned because it seems like you might actually win, but everyone on the app is really rooting for Daniel." "People love him." "I guess he was in some movie about a potter or a Pottery Barn or something?" "Are you asking me to throw the game?" "You don't care about this game." "The only reason you're here is for me, so maybe you could help me out?" "Okay." "You know what?" "You're the best, no matter what everybody on this app says." "They say you're the worst." "Especially Queefburglar69." "He's their leader." "And we're back." "Contestants, I've got a history question for both of you." ""You may or may not be familiar with a famous racehorse named Secretariat." "In what year did Secretariat win the Triple Crown?"" "BoJack." "Piece of cake." "Hmm? Um, 1492?" "What?" "No, not even close." "BoJack, aren't you in a movie about Secretariat?" "How could you not know that?" "Let's just move on." "Maybe instead, he should be in a movie about a guy who doesn't know anything about Secretariat." "That would not be a good movie." "I mean, more like Secre-terrible." "Damn, Bojangles, you got served." "Do you know anything about Secretariat?" "You know he was a horse, right?" "Oh, wait, did I just spoil it for you?" "No wonder my wife had to write your book for you." "Hey, yeah, you know, while we're talking about your wife, I've got a question." "How come your wife flew all the way to war-torn Cordovia just to get away from you? That's not what happened." "She went to help people." "Or maybe she went to help herself get away from her awful marriage." "Oh, was that too far?" "Oh-ho, you want to get into things?" "Well, I mean" "No, no, no, let's get into things." "Let's get real." "Everybody, BoJack wants to get real." "Cancel the Bubble Round." "Because we're getting real." "Should we cut to commercial?" "Would Homer cut away from Odysseus's journey just as he was being enticed by the sirens' song?" "No?" "Well, there you are." "Things are getting real out here." "Really real." "Really, really, really real!" "Uh, I'm not sure where you're going" "Oh, no?" "You knew where you were going with my wife that time you pulled over by the side of the road." "You know, a week before we got married?" "Uh..." "You want to talk about that, BoJack?" "You want to talk about the time when you, my "good friend," kissed my wife?" "No!" "Yes." "Did something exciting just happen?" "Because people on the app are, and I quote, "losing their tits."" "Oh, no, no, I've stumbled on to a cancer support message board." "Okay, how do I...?" "How did you know about that?" "Well, there are roadside cameras all along the PCH," "I have a few friends in the highway patrol, and she told me, of course!" "We're married!" "Wait, so you've known all this time?" "Now this is television." "Turn on the rain." "Um, don't you think you're pushing them too far?" "I'll tell you when it's too far." "This is my art, goddamn it." "I'm J. goddamn D. goddamn Salinger, and I want rain! All I ever wanted was to be your friend." "And you treat me like a big joke." "You think I don't notice?" "Why don't you like me?" "Mr." "Peanutbutter" "No, tell me." "Because..." "I'm jealous." "Oh." "Of what?" "Diane?" "No." "Of everything." "Everything comes so easy for you." "Oh, and it doesn't for you?" "You're a millionaire movie star with a girlfriend who loves you, acting in your dream movie." "What more do you want?" "What else could the universe possibly owe you?" "I want to feel good about myself." "The way you do." "And I don't know how." "I don't know if I can." "Whoa, guys, this is getting a little heavy, don't we think?" "I'm sorry, Mr. Peanutbutter." "I can't tell you how sorry I am." "Wow, um, I don't know if I can forgive you." "But I guess we'll find out right after this break." "Damn." "Shut up." "I knew it." "I knew this show would bring us to the heights of human drama more powerfully than literature ever dreamed." "Now somebody go out and get me a Red Bull and a banana fish sandwich." "On it." "It's a perfect day for a Red Bull." "Whoa-oh!" "Mr." "Peanutbutter!" "Oh, hey Wanda." "I'm only half paying attention to whatever you two are arguing about but it's killer." "Now all we need is a happy ending." "I don't think we can just resolve everything cleanly in a half-hour." "Uh, this is network television." "So resolving everything cleanly in a half-hour is kind of what we do." "You want to host a game show where everyone feels bad at the end?" "You can get in your little car, drive to Santa Monica and pitch it to AMC." "But these people want resolution, okay?" "So you get your little butt back on that stage and you resolve." "Uh..." " 431 00:20:12,980 -- 00:20:14,610 And we're back." "You know, I did some thinking over the break." "BoJack- - 434 00:20:20,070 -- 00:20:21,320" "What's going on?" "Oh, my God." "No!" "No!" "What's happening?" "Oh." "Someone unplugged the main power line and plugged in a George Foreman Grill." "Panini time." "Hey, who unplugged" "Todd!" "Goddamnit, step aside!" "Mia, good work." "You saved the show." "You earned my respect... and this pen." "Oh, thank you." " 444 00:20:48,980 -- 00:20:50,440 Aww." "Oh, are we back?" "We're back!" "Live television, folks." "You know, during the break, my producers told me" "I had to forgive BoJack live on the air." "But I'm my own dog." "And as my own dog, I decided to forgive BoJack live on the air!" "Bring it in, buddy!" "What?" "Really?" "Mr. Peanutbutter, I applaud your forgiving nature, but this guy kissed your wife." "Wait, BoJack kissed Diane?" "The only way to even the score is if you get to kiss him." "Wait, what?" "You're right, it makes perfect sense." "Yeah, absolutely." "No, it doesn't." "That way Diane and I will have had the same experience." "It's the only way we can move past this." "Well, if it helps us move past this, I guess..." "Kiss!" "Kiss!" "Kiss!" "Cue the Kiss Cam." "Oh, if only I'd had a Kiss Cam for Catcher In The Rye." "Well, just one more regret on a long list of many." "Todd, there you are." "You're missing a pretty big moment out there." "I don't care." "You said it yourself." "Without that pen, I'm totally worthless." "Not for nothing, but you were worthless before you didn't get the pen." "I really tried this time." "I guess I'll never really amount to anything." "Well, maybe you just need someone to believe in you." "Wow, no one's ever fallen for that!" "What?" "You're so stupid!" "You had the pen and you just gave it to me?" "!" "Oh, I can't believe that worked." "Oh, my God, look at your stupid face." "The pen is just a symbol." "It doesn't" "Yeah, said the girl who doesn't have a pen right now." "Unbelievable." "You are the most annoying, immature, aggravating, irritating, crazy-making..." "Oh, she was mad, all right." "But kids?" "That's the story of how I met... this pen." "Hey, get out of Hair and Makeup and give me back my pen!" "I got your pen." "That means you respect me." "No it does not." "Viva Todd-foolery!" "Suck a dick, dumbshits." "Hey!" "Hey, hey!" " 490 00:23:08,450 -- 00:23:11,200 -- 491 00:23:11,290 -- 00:23:14,380 Well, that stern but supple kiss puts you over the top." "BoJack Horseman is tonight's winner." "Well played, Jock-jam Door-slam." " 495 00:23:20,960 -- 00:23:24,090 You've earned $500,000 for charity." "You can walk away right now or, and remember, this is for charity, you can risk it all in our Double or Nothing round." "I wanna risk it all!" "All right." "Now that's $500,000." "If you get this question right, you double that, a million dollars for charity." "But if you get it wrong, the charity gets nothing and all the money will be set on fire live here on our studio soundstage." "BoJack, for all the marbles:" ""Which famous actor played the titular role in the popular Harry Potter film franchise?"" "Oh." "Huh." "Yeah." "I don't know." "When you're as famous as I am, you meet so many people, it's impossible to remember them all." "Okay, I get what you're doing." "Very funny." "Yeah." "Oh, what is that guy's name?" "You know, it's on the tip of my tongue?" "Are you serious right now?" "Dude, this is for charity." "BoJack, we need an answer." "Yeah, I don't know." "Gosh, I wanna say..." "Elijah Wood?" "What?" "Elijah Wood?" "!" "♪ Back in the '90s ♪" "♪ I was in a very famous TV show ♪" "♪ I'm BoJack the horse ♪ -♪ BoJack!" "♪" "♪ BoJack the horse Don't act like you don't know ♪" "♪ And I'm trying to hold onto my past ♪" "♪ It's been so long I don't think I'm gonna last ♪" "♪ I guess I'll just try And make you understand ♪" "♪ That I'm more horse than a man ♪" "♪ Or I'm more man than a horse ♪" "♪ BoJack!" "♪" "Boxer versus raptor." "Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na." "Sir, you can't send me to Vietnam." "I can do whatever I want." "I'm president of the goddamn United States of America." "Isn't that right, Checkers?" "That's what it says on your business cards." "There are going to be riots in the streets." "I'm Secretariat." "You think I'm afraid of a few rioting hippies?" "Don't make me laugh." "Ha-hoo." "Or whatever a laugh sounds like." "Please, I'll do anything." "You gotta send someone else in my place." "Hmm." "Perhaps an arrangement can be..." "arranged." "I'm just an athlete." "I'm no hero." "My brother Jeffretariat is the hero." "He's fighting the Reds over in 'Nam, which is necessary to protect our way of life." "And another hero is President Nixon." "He is one groovy dude." "Groovy." "What the hell are you doing?" "Sorry, Mommy!" "Don't you dare put that out." "That is a perfectly good cigarette, and you are going to finish it." "But I don't wanna." "And I don't want to be the mother of a quitter." "Finish it." "Jesus Christ, you can't even smoke a cigarette right." "Don't you dare cry, don't you ever cry." "You wanted this." "Are you punishing me for smoking or for stealing?" "I'm punishing you for being alive." "Ugh." "Uh, BoJack?" "You really shouldn't throw a lit cigarette off the-- Fine." "I'll call 911." "The fire department got everything under control, but the cable's out for the neighborhood." "I don't understand what started the fire." "Nobody knows where fires come from, it's a mystery." "Anyway, I am fired up about my first day back on set." "We're gonna finish that big Nixon scene." "We were just one shot away before we went on hiatus." "Yeah, I know." "You told me at breakfast." "Why did you call me?" "Usually I talk to Diane on the way to work, but she abandoned me to teach piano in Cordovia or something." "Oh." "Well, glad you settled for me because Diane wasn't available." "You bet." "Oh, man, I'm gonna kill in this Nixon scene." "BoJack gonna be in "da" house." "In da White House." "What happened to da house set?" "Da White House set?" "Things changed a little." "You cut the Nixon scene?" "The Nixon scene is the core of the whole movie." "Where we see Secretariat be morally corrupted and get to look into the real darkness of his soul." "It's still all that, except now it happens while you give a Christmas present to your nieces and they hug you while your butt is stuck in a chimney." "Is one of the nieces Nixon?" "Over hiatus, we ran a focus group." "People don't want all that controversial stuff." "But we were supposed to make a gritty movie about the real Secretariat." "Warts and all." "Kid, "warts and all" don't pay bubkes." "That's why they took the gay stuff out of A Beautiful Mind." "Know that guy who spent 12 years as a slave?" "They don't talk about the 60 years he spent as a jerk." "Kelsey, you're okay with this?" "Eh..." "That's showbiz." "See, BoJack, that's the shrug of a pro who gets it." "Good shrugging, kid." "Yo!" "Care-to-the-O-to-the-Lyn-to-the..." "That's the end of your name." "We need to talk." "We'll meet in the supply closet in one minute." "Break!" "Oh, okay." "Ooh, ow." "Carolyn, when you're in the throes of a very ugly divorce such as I am, along with all that pain and degradation comes a certain perfect clarity, and right now that clarity is telling me that you and I should get out of here." "Well, what do you mean, "get out of here"?" "Beautiful, I'm starting my own agency, and I want you to be my partner in crime." "What?" "But I can't just leave Vigor." "I've been here 20 years." "Who's gonna water the plants?" "Um, I'm sorry." "You water the plants?" "I started doing it as an intern, but then no one told me to stop, so it's still kind of my job." "Carolyn, you are my gritty, witty city kitty." "I want you with me, fifty-fifty." "Things are so crazy for me right now." "I" "Don't give me that, you want crazy." ""Crazy" is your favorite Patsy Cline song and your second favorite Gnarls Barkley song." "I don't want crazy." "I've got five episodes of The Good Wife piled up on my DVR, and I just want a night off to enjoy them." "Well, if that's how you feel, I guess I could just go to Vanessa Gekko." "Gekko?" "!" "But I'd rather look at you all day." "You're an amazing agent." "And you're bright, and you're fun." "And I think we could make something really special." "We weren't doing anything!" "We were just looking for closet supplies." "Are you the person to talk to about unclogging the toilet?" "Stuart, I'm your boss." "Okay, but you're the one in the janitor's closet, so..." "What, I'm the idiot?" " 108 00:05:46,910 -- 00:05:49,410 The first thing you notice about Sebastian St. Clair" "is that he speaks in paragraphs." "Even I can't believe how much good we've done here, and I'll believe almost anything." "In the last six weeks, we dug a new well, built a school, and next month the community center is doing Seussical." "There we go." "In his previous life, Sebastian owned a chain of high-end department stores." "I want to stock up on muffs." "We're going to sell a lot of muffs this winter." "Huzzah!" "Diane, I lived a life of power and luxury, and then my picture was in the newspaper." "A real-life newspaper!" "Uh-huh." "But I knew my life was empty." "At night I heard the cries of children sick and dying." "And I would scream into the night." "Shut up!" "Shut up, children!" "But the phantom cries would not abate." "And so I began my travels, with little more than a compass, a yearning for adventure, and several crates full of unsold muffs." "I knew there were people out there just waiting for my help." "Diane, this is Kinko." "I am Kinko." "In his language, it means, orphan whose parents were murdered by rebels and will die young, probably from malaria." "Hi, Kinko." "I'm Diane." "It means, my parents liked the show Cheers." "Cheers!" "Oh, you're good." "You're very good." "When Sebastian St. Clair says you're good, you want to believe that you really are." "That you, like Sebastian, are part of something bigger than just yourself." "And for a moment, you feel like you are." "Oh, Kinko made a mess." "Now I finally realize that a triple hug is way more valuable than a Triple Crown." "And cut." "Neat." "Let's break for lunch." "Oh!" "Kelsey, this is a nightmare." "I had to touch three children today, and one of them was sticky." "Yeah, it was you." "Wash your damn hands, you gremlin." "BoJack, there's nothing we can do." "No, this isn't you." "I've seen everything you've done." "Your films are challenging and gritty, and they're great." "I'm not just saying that because they're full of lesbians." "Look, even if I wanted to finish that Nixon scene, we don't have an Oval Office set." "There's one at the Nixon Library in Yorba Linda." "Why on earth do you know that?" "In season three of Horsin' Around, the horse got elected president and we shot on location." "We can sneak into the library and get the shot, guerilla-style." "Once Turteltaub sees it, he'll love it, and we can make the movie we both want to make." "Okay, I'm in." "Let's do it." "All right!" "Did they really make your character president?" "Only for season three." "In season four, it turned out it was all a dream." "They called my airplane Air Horse One." "And the vice president was a hip-hop zebra named Zebro." "Come on." "It wasn't our best season." "But on the bright side, was not our worst." "Step one, we go to the Nixon Library... and steal the scale model." "Welcome to my library." "I'm Nixon. ." "Yeah, you know, some people say I look like Nixon." "Not because he's my dad or anything." "That's crazy." "Nixon's not my dad." "But if you have any questions about Nixon, I'd be happy to answer them." "Yeah, I have a question." "Um..." "Is that the lighted exit sign from Nixon's boyhood home?" "Uh, no, that's just an exit sign." "Is that..." "Here we go." "...the handicapped drinking fountain he used in the White House?" "No, just a normal drinking fountain." "Hang on." "One more." "Is that the smoke alarm--?" "No." "So the Oval Office is right here, next to the men's room." "I remember because season three of Horsin' Around was a big cocaine year." "All the pressures of being president." "I don't see how we'll pull this off." "We're gonna need a crack team." "First, we gotta get the best lock-pick in the city." "Not interested." "Okay." "The second best lock-pick in the city." "No way I'm doing that." "Got it." "A lock-pick." "Todd, can you pick locks?" "Kind of." "Great." "You're in." "We'll need an expert cat burglar." "All right, Good Wife, let's see what you got." "Hey, Princess Carolyn!" "Kelsey and I are gonna break into the Nixon library to steal a shot for our Secretariat movie." "It's a super-sneaky, kooky caper that stands to benefit you in no way." "Are you in?" "Hey!" "Shut up down there!" "You shut up!" "Make me!" "Hey, you got a problem?" "Take it up with my agent, your downstairs neighbor Princess Carolyn." "We'll need someone to play Checkers." "Hey, Chicago!" "Al Capone, deep dish." "What does Ethan Hawke know?" "We'll find out tonight." "Da Bears." "BoJack, I'd love to help you out, but I'm super-busy recording promos for television's highest-rated new game show." "We can probably do it without you." "This next one's for Seattle." "Hey, Seattle!" "Space Needle, Starbucks." "What does Ethan Hawke know?" "We'll find out tonight." "Rain." "It's too bad though because I could really bring a lot to this project." "The more I think about it, Checkers wouldn't even be in the shot." "It's just a single on Secretariat." "Hey, Waco, Texas!" "Terrible tragedy." "What does Ethan Hawke know?" "We'll find out tonight." "So sorry." "You know what?" "Forget I even asked." "Twist my arm, why don't you?" "I'll do it." "Okay." "Finally, we'll need a criminal mastermind." "Character actress Margo Martindale, you've been a model prisoner." "I'm glad I served my time." "But now I'm ready to move on with my life and get back to doing small roles in critically-acclaimed films and television shows." "Watch, purse, lipstick," "Emmy Award for Best Guest Actress." "I need your help with a break-in." "BoJack, I've been out of prison for two minutes." "What took you so long? Kelsey, Mr. Peanutbutter and I are gonna break into the library." "But the problem is, the place is crawling with cops." "They're on high alert because some idiot stole this model last night." "Yeah, nice work, Todd." "Who am I kidding?" "I can't stay mad at you." "You're adorable." "Look at your big saucer eyes." "I can go swimming in them!" "Totally." "Now, we need to lose the cops." "The rest of you will create a diversion by breaking into the only other place in Yorba Linda of cultural significance:" "the Discount Fine Art Gallery in the strip mall, between the tanning salon and the adult bookstore." "Once you set off the alarm, all the cops will go there." "Now, things could get ugly." "One of you is very likely to die." "Possibly Alan." "Why possibly Alan?" "Well, you are the guy none of us knows that well." "I just came to fix your cable." "Alan, you already know too much." "You're a part of this now, like it or not." "But" "Hey, you think you could keep it down?" "I'm reading a script and I'm having trouble focusing, so now my notes are gonna be confusing and vague." "We're almost done." "I know you're having fun with your police cars," "I just wish you would have asked before you invited these people over." "I live here, too." "You're right." "I'm sorry." "And can you at least let Alan fix the cable before he dies?" "I can't die." "I'm endangered!" ""And the truffle-infused gnocchi was the star dish at this up-and-comer that will please the pickiest of Brooklynites and the less discerning Staten Islander."" "When I grow up, I can be food critic for New Yorker?" "You can do anything you want in life." "Not everyone can write for The New Yorker, but there's always The Atlantic." "Diane," "I'm concerned you're spending a lot of time with this sickly child." "Remember, you're supposed to be writing about me." "Sure, but isn't this why we're here?" "To help these people?" "I'm here to help these people." "You're here to help me help them by writing a book about me so people back home will give money to my foundation." "Great." "Okay, come on." "Over here." "Get it." "We're in." "It's too late to turn back now." "One of us isn't going to come out of this alive." "Why do you all keep saying that?" "Why can't we all assume we're gonna make it out alive and go from there?" "Alan, we've got enough problems without worrying about your imminent death." "Can't we just all shut up and do this?" "Why does everything have to be a big, complicated mess?" "Like, look at this Thomas Kinkade painting." "It's simple." "And serene." "And... pleasant." "I think that the vest makes me look kind of chunky." "I don't do CrossFit five days a week to not look sweet in this uniform." "I swear to God, if you don't shut up about CrossFit" "Break-in at the Discount" "Fine Art Gallery at the strip mall." "Let's roll!" "That's a thing we say at CrossFit." "Remember when my character on Mr. Peanutbutter's House was" "elected president?" "Let me guess, it was all a dream?" "No, I served half a term, then resigned because when Zachary had a bad time with peer pressure," "I realized I was spending too much time being president and not enough time being a dad." "It's like you didn't even watch my show." "Okay, I'd like you here." "And then you are going to be over here." "Freeze!" "I'm union." "Playing dead." "Breaking and entering?" "That is against everything Nixon stood for." "We didn't mean to cause trouble." "We're trying to make a movie about Nixon." "Yeah?" "What, another leftist screed about how corrupt he was?" "Uh..." "Or is it about how he had an illegitimate son, and the son never knew who his dad was, but always had a hunch it was Nixon, and then that son grew up to be the security guard at the Nixon Library?" "The second one?" "Well, if that's true, how come you don't have an actor here to play Nixon?" "Because... we couldn't find anyone who could appropriately capture his magic." "You know, I do a pretty good Nixon." "You?" "No way." "Hello, I'm Nixon." "I can't be at your soccer game, but I am your father and I love you very much." "Oh, my God." "He's perfect." "We've found our Nixon." "I can be ready in five." "Uh." "Did we get the shot?" "It's so peaceful." "Okay, folks." "Aah!" "Party's over." "That's something we say at CrossFit." "Ugh." "Wait a sec" " I know you!" "You were in Justified." "You were amazing." "Okay, you caught me." "I am kind of a well-known character actress." "I am such a huge fan, Miss, uh" "What--?" "What's your name?" "Sure, of course." "Everyone loves my work, but apparently not enough to watch the credits and find out what my name is." "The important thing is that we enjoy your great performances, right?" "How about you enjoy this?" "Aah!" "Whoa, whoa, whoa." "Margo, I thought we agreed, no guns." "Oh, is that what we agreed to?" "I thought we said "no gum."" "But you're also chewing gum." "I'm a wild card." "Aah!" "Return fire!" "Watch out!" "Oh, no!" "Alan's dead!" "No, I'm fine." "The bullet hit my cell phone." "Oh, no!" "Alan's cell phone is dead!" "Nope, phone's fine, too." "Oh, hey, I got a text from my wife." "She's going into labor." "Guys, I'm gonna be a dad!" "See you later!" " 360 00:16:42,360 -- 00:16:45,030 Die, you chunky assholes!" "See, Jeff?" "This is what I'm talking about." "Shoot!" "Oh." "How could this be any more perfect?" "Yoo-hoo." "Vanessa Gekko." "How did you get in this painting?" "I'm your servant, of course." "In your infinite generosity, you gave me this job when it became clear that I don't have what it takes to be a "Hollywoo" power-agent." "Also, my husband left me." "And my children married each other in an unholy incestuous union." "Plus, I have, like, colitis or something." "How appropriate!" "Fetch me drink, wench." "Right away, ma'am." "Ah." "Diane..." "The second thing you notice about Sebastian St. Clair is how much he talks about himself." "This way is the library I built." "And over there is the statue of me building the library." "And on that wall is a painting of me posing for the statue." "Put a chapter in your book about that." "Uh-huh." "The only respite from his constant bombast is sleep, and even then, sometimes... -- 387 00:17:58,350 -- 00:18:00,640 Everybody-- Those of you who can walk, I mean." "let's drag these corpses to the mass grave behind the playground." "We need to make room for my new hospital." "Where's Kinko?" "Is he okay?" "Oh, no, no, he's certainly dead." "See, Diane, I told you not to make friends." "Jesus, you don't care about any of these people." "You're just using them as props for your big-shot superhero act." "Diane, the dead will not benefit from our grief, but the survivors need a new hospital and we need to build it." "This is too much." "If you're going to survive, you'll need to harden up." "I asked you to join me because I thought you could handle it." "But if you can't, you can go home." "I..." "I can handle it." "Great!" "Let's drag some bodies!" "Kinko!" "Oh, never mind." "Hey, um, how come Nixon gets a line and I don't get a line?" "We only gave him a line so he wouldn't call the police." "If I call the police, will I get a line?" "No, we won't use it in the movie." "We only need the one-shot of me." "I just think if he gets a line, I should get a line." "Ugh." "Actors." "Okay, positions everyone." "And... action." "I'm Nixon." "The way you're feeling about your dead brother is how I feel about the son I'll never know." "But I look at the moon and so does he." "That's how I know we're connected." "And I'm Checkers." "All right, so, BoJack, you've been told that your brother, Jeffretariat, the one Nixon sent to Vietnam in your place, is dead." "You're feeling the weight of that guilt." "And the tears start to flow." "And the tears start to flow." "Oh." "I don't cry in front of other people." "Well, you need to." "This is the emotional climax of the movie." "Yeah, okay, but I don't cry in front of other people." "I can't." "Really, never?" "Come on." "What if someone tells you they'll take you to the park, and they keep talking about the park and all the fun you'll have, but then..." "But then they don't take you to the park." "I need a second." "Well, I'm sorry, I can't do it." "I didn't know you wanted me to cry." "Can you give us the room, please?" "There's a park right outside we can hang out at." "Oh!" "Oh, we can't, the sprinklers are on." "Ah." "Well, another beautiful, serene day in magical fantasy-painting world." "Queen Princess Carolyn, if I may, I have some exciting news." "I just landed a new client." "The mill owner!" "Huh?" "We're doing a three-picture deal about his waterwheel." "Wait, you're making deals here?" "I'll say." "I'm now the biggest agent in the entire idyllic New England village." "It's like you don't even read the idyllic New England village trades." "What?" "No!" "You're polluting my perfect serene dream life." "Why is this happening?" "I don't know." "It's your fantasy." "But if you ask me, I don't think you want perfect and serene and enough time to catch up on The Good Wife." "Stop kidding yourself, Princess Carolyn." "If you really wanted the simple life, you'd have a simple life." "Oh, my God." "I gotta get out of here." "Bye!" "Hey." "Yeah, I got rid of her." "Now this place is all mine." "Get your demo guys together." "Let's tear this old Tudor down and put up some condos!" "453 00:20:59,360 -- 00:21:00,940 Okay." "This isn't just for me." "It's for John Carroll Lynch, C.C.H. Pounder, and all the other character actors who live in lucrative obscurity." "The blood I spill today is for us all!" "I'm character actress Margo Martindale!" "Yeah, I'm going to go with Princess Carolyn." "Hmm." "Hello?" "Hey." "There you are!" "I've been trying to call you all week." "Yeah, the coverage in Cordovia is" "Diane, Diane." "Listen, I gotta tell you:" "I'm sorry I gave you such a hard time about your trip." "The truth is, I really am so proud of you." "A lot of people talk big, but you're actually out there helping people." "You're the real deal, Diane." "Yeah..." "How is it there?" "Is it amazing?" "It's... good." "It's hard, but it's good." "I miss you." "I miss you, too, but I promise, these six months are gonna fly by." "Yeah." "How's the game show going?" "Oh, shit, I completely forgot I'm supposed to be hosting a game show right now." "I gotta go." "And that's when you realize that the book you've been writing in your head is never actually going to be a book, so you stop" "I know what you're gonna say." "I'm a dumb sitcom actor who's in over his head." "I'm sorry that I thought I could do this." "And I'm sorry I made you come here." "I'm sorry for everything." "I don't know what I'm doing." "BoJack, sit down." "You've just been told your brother is dead and that it's your fault." "But this moment is bigger than that." "This is the moment that Secretariat stops running." "Because this is the moment you realize something inside you is broken, and it can never be fixed." "We got it." "Really?" "I didn't cry." "You didn't have to." "Turteltaub's gonna love this." "Oh." "All right." "Thanks for talking me into this." "Just so you know, I'm really glad we're making this movie together." "Didn't know I had it in me, did you?" "No, I knew." "Huh." "Hold the elevator, please." "Coming in?" "I'm all in." "Whoa!" "Mommy, it's nearly Christmas." "Where's Uncle Secretariat?" "He had to go win a race against the Russians." "But maybe, if he runs really fast..." "Hey, where's Kelsey?" "Oh, yeah, funny story." "Turns out you two knuckleheads snuck out last night and got that shot I told you not to get for the scene" "that's not in the movie anymore." "Uh..." "Silly me, I didn't like that." "So I fired her ass." "What?" "We got a movie to finish, okay?" "So, go get in costume, get your butt up that chimney, and do your thing, Hamlet." "Just maybe, all we have to do is believe! What are you doing here?" "Hey, is it cool if I crash here for a couple nights?" "I didn't know where else to go." "♪ Back in the '90s ♪" "♪ I was in a very famous TV show ♪" "♪ I'm BoJack the horse ♪ -♪ BoJack!" "♪" "♪ BoJack the horse Don't act like you don't know ♪" "♪ And I'm trying to hold on to my past ♪" "♪ It's been so long I don't think I'm gonna last ♪" "♪ I guess I'll just try And make you understand ♪" "♪ That I'm more horse than a man ♪" "♪ Or I'm more man than a horse ♪" "♪ BoJack!" "♪" "Boxer versus raptor." "Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na." "Aw, she looks so peaceful." "Think she's dreaming that she's not overstaying her welcome?" "When she got that wine delivered to the house," "I thought that was her thank-you present, that she was leaving," "but then she just drank the wine." "Five days ago." "Morning, everybody." "Aah!" "Kinko!" "Another beautiful day in the city of Brotherly Angels." "Todd, I don't recall accidentally ingesting poison, and yet here you are trying to make me vomit." "You wanna go buy me a kite and then fly a kite?" "No." "Kites are sky trash." "Why is it so daytime right now?" "Wanda? Wanna go surf some cloud waves?" "That's what I call wind." "Sorry." "Some of us have jobs." "Not all of us." "Just some of us." "Oh, yeah, my job." "Morning." "What?" "I'm done with my sabbatical and I'm ready to get back to work." "What sabbatical?" "I fired you." "Oh, I thought when you said, "You're fired,"" "that was just you "giving me the business."" "No, I was taking the "business" away from you." "Oh." "Hey, Mr. Peanutbutter." "You wanna go fly a kite?" "Put me down for a supersized "sounds great."" "But with an even larger main course of "sadly, I cannot."" "I am swamped here at work." "First, I gotta put my suit on." "Then I gotta go to hair and makeup." "Then we record the show." "And then I gotta take my suit off." "So, that's, like, the whole day." "Sorry." "Ah." ""Looking for a friend?"" "Yes." ""Need direction?"" "I'm listening." ""Try Scientology"?" "Huh." "Excuse me?" "Sir?" "Huh?" "Have you ever thought about trying improv comedy?" "Improv comedy?" "I don't know..." "Why not?" "It's not like there's anything else to do." "Here on Mars." "We're on Mars?" "Yes." "And in a Martian ice cream shop." "Care for a butterscotch swirl?" "Whoa!" "The only limit is my imagination." "Why not come by our theater and try a free class?" "Okay!" "Can I bring this food inside the theater?" "Ha, good one." "But no." "Oh. "That's when I learned that guns can blow a vato away." "But calculus?" "Calculus can blow a mind away."" "Cut!" "We got it!" "That's the day, everybody." "You sure we got it, Abe?" "Of course." "You were phenomenal." "Really?" "Because that kid sneezed in the middle of my monologue." "We can fix that in post." "Abe, I'm supposed to tell you the boom mike fell into the last shot." "You sure you don't wanna get another take?" "Just for safety?" "What am I, Kubrick?" "We can fix all this stuff in post." "It's an easy scene." "Secretariat's a nice guy, the Spanish kids learn a lesson." "Boom." "Bam!" "Done!" "But Secretariat never actually taught math in South Central." "I don't know what Secretariat did or didn't do." "I wasn't there." "Yeah, but" "Okay, so the studio wants gangbangers, we'll give them gangbangers." "We get paid either way, right?" "I guess." "I can't wait to get home." "I got a coq au vin in the slow cooker." "You like coq au vin?" "I think so." "Is that the move where a French girl pours soup in" "Come over for dinner, okay?" "You'll love it." "Okay." "Chin up, big guy." "So, we ain't making Casablanca." "BoJack." "Shut up." "Aah!" "What are you--?" "No one can know I'm here." "What?" "Shut your stupid mouth, you idiot." "As you know, you're my favorite client." "If I left Vigor, would you follow me to a new agency?" "Sure, but no one's gonna hire me after this movie comes out." "The script turned into a piece of shit, and the director is a total hack." "Good guy, total hack." "Let's get you something before the movie comes out." "We got an offer in for this new play off-Broadway." "Theater?" "That's what real actors do." "Yeah, I told them that, but they said she wanted you." "She?" "Yeah, this hot new playwright Jill Pill." "She came out of nowhere." "Jill Pill?" "New York Magazine called her the enfant terrible of the immersive theater world, and then later clarified that that's a compliment." "It sounds like the kind of thing I should be doing now." "Something artistic and bold." "Rehearsals start in two weeks." "Are you ready to go to New York for six months?" "New York's a great city to live in for six months and not a second longer and only if you're insanely wealthy." "I can't wait!" "Now, that's a lot of apple sauce." "Apple sauce!" "Oh-ho!" "That was so funny." "Which one of you guys wrote all those funny jokes?" "No, Todd, here at Shenanigags, we make things up on the spot." "Let's try it." "Give me a suggestion." "Uh..." "I don't know." "Suggestions? Your suggestion was "suggestions."" "Way to break the fourth wall." "That wasn't that funny." "My name's Bryan and you haven't won me over yet." "Oh, Bryan." "Todd, in improv, we get suggestions from an audience then make up scenes based on them." "There are just a few simple rules." "You don't ask questions." "You don't say no." "No matter what." "When someone makes a suggestion, you always try to build on it." "We call that "yes, and..."" "Yes, and if you mess up, that's okay." "It's all part of the fun." "Is it really that simple?" "Ugh!" "It's incredibly complicated and requires years of training." "Oh, Bryan." "But improv isn't just about a constant clamoring for attention and validation." "It's about community." "I've always wanted to be part of a community." "Well, you are now." "Your first class is $200." "I thought you said it was free." "Oh, that was just me doing an improv." "I am so proud of you." "Every day I'm telling people all about the great stuff you're doing there." "Yeah, I don't know" "And they say, "Wow, she sounds amazing."" "And I say, "I'm here to confirm she is an incredible woman."" "Well" "You know, the sound guy's wife works with at-risk teens." "And I was like, "Yeah, that's okay, but compared to what my wife is doing," "your wife is bullshit!"" "Oh." "And he had to agree with me." "Um" "Because I am his boss." "Listen" "Let me talk to one of the locals." "I wanna hear someone else talk about how what a selfless hero my wife is." "Oh, uh..." "Ah, now come on." "Most refugees got their tongues cut out." "Find one with a tongue." "I don't think" "Indulge me." "Okay." "Hello." "I am refugee from village." "Hey, what's your name, Superstar?" "Uh, my name is..." "Coffee Maker." "Ah." "Kofi Makir." "Am I pronouncing that right?" "Hey, Todd, you had some killer provs in class today." "Yes, and that zombie dentist scene was so innovative." "Eh..." "Oh, Bryan." "Guys, look." "It's Copernicus." "Who's that?" "What are you, new?" "Yes, I am new." "Copernicus is the founder of Shenanigags." "That guy is the Jan-Ove Waldner of modern improv." "Who is Jan-Ove Waldner?" "The Michael Jordan of table tennis." "Oh." "Let's go talk to him." "Are you kidding?" "You can't just go up and talk to Copernicus." "Man, Todd, you don't know shit." "You're just a tourist." "No, I'm not." "If you're one of us, prove it." "Go improv that lady over there." "Freestyle." "No audience, no net." "I don't know..." "Hey, if you're down with the prov, you gotta prove that prov." "All right." "I'll do it." "Hello, old ma'am." "Oh, hello." "I'm just waiting for my friend Doris." "Have you seen her?" "Yes, and she exploded?" "Doris exploded?" "You just got prov'd!" "In your face, lady!" "The streets are ours!" "Hurray, improv!" "I did it!" "You have briefly won me over." "Poor Doris..." "That is not what I thought coq au vin was." "But it's great." "Well, I'm no Emeril Lagasse, but we do get by." "Oh, stop." "Bam!" "Like Emeril?" "Ha, remember that?" "He said "bam."" "I don't know who Emeril is, but he sounds delightful." "Hey, should I give him a sitcom?" "BoJack, Abe tells me you guys are almost done with the movie." "One week left!" "You two lovebirds gonna do any traveling or anything?" "I'll be traveling back and forth to New York for the next few months because BoJack's doing a play there after you finish." "Oh, I love plays." "A play." "That's my favorite place to eat crinkly candies." "Yeah, I can't wait to finally work on something good, you know?" "Oh?" "Although I gotta hand it to your husband." "It has been a really painless shoot, even though the movie's gonna be a piece of shit, right?" "What?" "Oh, you said "piece of ship," right?" "Like shipshape?" "Anyway, what were we talking about?" "Who knows?" "Okay, moving on." "Hey, it's fine." "Abe knows what we're making." "Right?" "Wanda, would you help me with dessert?" "Uh, okay." "Yeah." "New York is so great in the summer, but I don't think we're going to be done in time." "We're looking at a ton of reshoots." "Are you kidding?" "Well, you know, because the movie's such a piece of shit and all." "Did that hurt your feelings?" "I mean, you're the one who said we're not making Casablanca." "Right, because Casablanca is a movie about a club owner named Rick." "This movie's about Secretariat, a racehorse." "Wait, you literally meant we're not making the actual movie Casablanca?" "That movie already exists." "Why would we make Casablanca?" "This is a different movie." "I think there was a misunderstanding." "Wrong, boy-o." "There was a mister-understanding." "And that mister is me understanding you just fine." "You come into my home and you call my work shit?" "You know what I think?" "You're shit." "What?" "You think I don't get enough takes?" "I'll get more takes." "Just wait, see how many takes I can get." "Well, don't go." "We haven't had dessert yet." "Shirley's lemon meringue?" "Mwah." "I mean, it's no banana cream pie." "Because it's a different kind of pie?" "That's right." "Why did you have to antagonize him?" "I wasn't trying to antagonize him." "He said, "It's no Casablanca."" "Well, what's done is done." "You're happy." "You didn't want me to go to New York." "Lucky me, I get to stay here and work on this movie that's gonna ruin my career." "There's no reason to sulk about it, right?" "Or you could sulk about it." "Diane does raise some good points." "No, she doesn't." "Besides, I don't think Diane's the person you wanna be going to for life advice now." "Why?" "Just because I've been drinking myself to sleep on your deck chairs and lying to my husband for the last week?" "Hey, there's a Cheez-It on the shelf." "I knew I kept these things around for a reason." "I just had the most amazing prov sesh." "No one cares, Todd." "Hey, you guys wanna help me practice?" "Make a suggestion." "Stop." "Aah." "Sorry, officer," "I didn't see that stop sign." "Yes." "And my car runs on farts." "Ugh!" "Stop." "No, stop it." "Please stop." "Not a suggestion." "Okay." "I just hope I impress the elder council." "I want to become a Level Two, so I can finally achieve clarity on the Mainstage with the chosen ones." "Oh, shit, Todd's in a cult." "What?" "No, improv is not a cult." "It's just a dogmatic school of thought taught by a for-profit organization with the promise of social and professional opportunities." "Ahh." "It's a cult." "And I know." "I learned a little about cults during that year I was a Scientologist." "Coincidentally during that year, I read a book about cults." "Wait, are you saying Scientology is a cult?" "No, Scientology is not a cult." "Improv is a cult." "I wanna be very clear." "This is about improv." "I really don't think it's that bad, guys." "Why does anything matter, right?" "Love is an illusion, and happiness is fleeting, no such thing as God, and all your favorite musicians beat their wives." "Allegedly." "Would you talk to her?" "Yes." "Yes, and I am a Nazi Kardashian." "Heyyy..." "Hitler." "Please stop." "President Lohan!" "Get away from that fire hose!" "Fire hose!" "Sorry I'm late, guys!" "Todd, we take tardiness seriously here at Shenanigags." "If you miss one more class, you're out." "I'm sorry." "But, wait, Bryan isn't here." "He's later than I am." "Bryan's not gonna be at practice anymore." "He's been negative, so Copernicus thought he could benefit from some time away." "He's been reassigned to the Shenanigags comedy cruise line, the Giggleship." "Is that a reward or a punishment?" "That's up to Bryan." "Let's have no more questions about the Giggleship." "Oh, uh, all right." "Well, you know, I was actually talking to my best friend, and he said improv is a cult." "I mean, that's crazy, right? If you think Shenanigags is a cult, you're free to go, Todd." "Oh, no." "I don't wanna go." "I love this place." "My friend just doesn't know how great you guys are." "It sounds like your friend's not yes-and'ing you." "Invite him to your graduation show." "If he's too negative to support you, you should take a good hard think about if that's the kind of energy you want in your life." "I hate good hard thinks." "I love you, too, Mr. Peanutbutter." "But I" " I gotta go." "I'm-- Yeah, I'm building a school for deaf kids." "The kids get jealous if I'm talking on the phone." "Uh, okay, bye." "So, hey, hi." "How long are you thinking of staying here?" "Just for my own reference." "Oh, shit." "Is Wanda making you get rid of me?" "No one is making me do anything." "Except keep acting in this movie you hate." "Well, yeah." "I really thought I could do it." "I thought I could go far away and help people and be this best possible version of myself." "And what happened?" "I couldn't." "I wasn't the person I thought I was." "I'd love to stay and wallow with you, but I gotta head out." "Today we're filming what used to be the scene where Secretariat commits suicide, but is now a scene where he swims in a fishing hole" "with his girlfriend "Susie Side."" "Yeesh." "If you wanna blow off work, I'm probably just gonna sit on the couch, drink beer, and watch old episodes of Horsin' Around." "Hmm." "And if I hear one more peep out of you- - 334 00:15:33,290 -- 00:15:36,380" "Sabrina!" "What?" "I didn't peep!" "Oh! Sabrina was such a little bitch." "She was an orphan." "She had a tough life." "Hey, Diane, you're still here." "And BoJack is here." "Did you go to work today?" "I was gonna, but then I remembered everything is garbage, so why bother doing anything?" "True story." "Okay." "Oh, you didn't." "Oh, you did." "Hello." "Hey, could you get the door?" "Whoa." "Mm." "The property's gonna be ready in June." "Gives us two months to get everything we need out of this place." "Mm." "Perfect." "Just so you know, I had to register the corporation in your name." "What?" "Just until the divorce is finalized." "Katie's lawyers are watching me closely right now." "They're hawks." "I mean, not literally." "Well, one literally." "Know what, actually, he might be a falcon." "Rutabaga, this is too" "This is a temporary technicality, I promise." "I'm not gonna leave you holding the bag." "Okay?" "Mm." "Mm." "Hey, your assistant wasn't out there, so I just" " Ooh." "Oh, hello." "Look at this urn." "What's going on in here?" "Mr. Peanutbutter, shut the door." "Rutabaga and I are starting a new agency, and we want you to come with us." "Well, well, well, what delicious irony." "It appears the cat is chasing the dog." "Are you in or out?" "Are you kidding?" "You're the agent who got me Hollywoo Stars and Celebrities." "Well" "What do they know?" "Right, so" "Do they know things?" "Okay" "Let's find out." "Right" "Big fan." "I like you guys." "I like your hustle and I like your matching lipstick." "Well, um" "I am in." "Mm-hm." "Go home, Goober." "Yeah!" "Go home, Goober!" "Goober sucks." "Why doesn't he ever go home?" "Yeah, Goober's the one who should go home." "You suck, Goober!" "Hey, Goober!" "Get murdered!" "Go sit on a sharp dick, you piece of shit." "Hey, guys." "Shut up, Todd." "BoJack, listen, I" " Oh!" "Hey, whoa!" "Boo!" "Party foul!" "You knocked over Bucking-can Palace." "Come on!" "Uh, sorry, I'll clean that up later." "Listen to this guy, "clean it up later." Hasn't picked up his shit in years." "Clean up your shit, Todd." "BoJack, I wanted to invite you to my graduation show tomorrow night." "What?" "Look, I know you think it's just a dumb cult, but you're my best friend and it would really mean a lot if you came." "I'm gonna go down to the basement to practice my space work." "And here I am going downstairs." "Hello?" "What kind of pants are you wearing now?" "What?" "I don't know." "The normal kind." "Yeah?" "Mm." "Are they comfy?" "A comfy pair of pants?" "I guess." "Why?" "Just wondering what kind of hit you're gonna take when the studio sues the pants off you for breach of contract." "They're suing me?" "Also, are you wearing comfortable shoes?" "Because that was a long road to walk to get to that punch line." "This is serious." "We're not just doing bits?" "You started it with the pants thing." "You need to go back to set." "You can't just not go to work." "Remember, you wanted this." "Are you saying you're finally ready to settle down with yours truly?" "Darn tootin'." "I may be a professional racehorse, but I'm tired of running in circles." "Cut!" "Perfect." "But let's get that last part again." "Anything you want me to do differently?" "No, I just think we should get it again." "You know, for safety." "Action!" "I'm tired of running in circles." "And again?" "I'm tired of running in circles." "Why don't we get it like five more times?" "I'm tired of running in circles." "I'm tired of running in circles." "I'm tired of running in circles." "I'm tired of running in circles." "I'm tired of running in circles." "Let's get it ten more times." "Ta-da!" "We did it." "What now?" "We die, have our guts ripped out through our noses, and get enshrined inside of it." "Duh." "Hey, BoJack, can I talk to you for a minute?" "Ooh..." "Alone, please?" "Oh..." "So, good news." "We're gonna go on a trip." "Right now." "You and me." "What?" "I booked us a room for the weekend." "Pack your bags, let's go." "Where?" "Why?" "Less asking, more basking." "In the sun, that is." "Santa Barbara." "I'm not really in the mood for" "I think some time away could be really good for us, as a couple." "Oh." "I know you've been really bummed out about the movie, but I don't think moping around the house with Diane all day is healthy." "All I've ever wanted was to be in this movie, and you just want me to put on a happy face" "Yes." "There are lots of people who don't like their jobs." "Doesn't mean they have to bring it home with" "Yeah, that's easy for you to say." "What is that supposed to mean?" "Well, come on." "You're a network executive." "You don't give a shit about work." "I actually have a lot of pride in what I do." "What?" "You have a lot of pride?" "Your job is to pump out garbage every year hoping some of the garbage stinks less than the rest so you can quietly renew that garbage and keep failing sideways until you retire to a three-point-five bedroom garbage in Beverly Garbage and spend the rest of your life" "watching your former assistant's garbage." "I don't know where this is coming from." "Every good thing that ever happened to you happened because of network executives like me." "That show you spend all day watching, your house, your career" "Great house, great career, great life!" "Must be why I'm so happy all the time!" "You don't know" "I don't?" "My life was ruined by a network executive like you." "Well, I'm sorry that things have been so hard for you, but that doesn't give you the right to be shitty to me." "I can't be around someone who's just fueled by bitterness and negativity." "Well then, what are you doing here?" "What happened, BoJack?" "Same thing that always happens." "You didn't know me." "Then you fell in love with me." "And now you know me." "You know, it's funny." "When you look at someone through rose-colored glasses, all the red flags just look like flags." "So, Wanda's moving out." "Oh, shit." "Because of me?" "No." "Because of me." "I'm sorry." "You wanna watch another episode of Horsin' Around?" "Where Olivia does the school project where she pretends an egg is a baby." "Spoiler alert:" "Ethan needs to make an omelet." "Why won't you go home?" "I should." "I know I should." "I wish I could just go home right now and crawl into bed and not have to talk about anything or explain anything." "He would just say, "How was your day?" And then he would say," ""Hey, did you know the monorail was invented by George Monorail?"" "And I would say, "I don't think that's true."" "And he would say, "Well, if he didn't invent it, he certainly perfected it."" "And I wouldn't have to say, "I'm sorry I left." "I'm sorry I made things so difficult." "I'm sorry I'm not the person I thought I was."" "I would just say, "My day was good."" "And he would say, "I love you."" "The longer you keep lying to him, the harder it's gonna get." "Can I ask you something?" "That play in New York, would that really have made you happy?" "Yeah." "I mean, for a little bit." "And if Kelsey didn't get fired, and you got to make the movie you wanted to make, would that have made you happy?" "For a little bit." "But then..." "Probably..." "So, what does it matter?" "But there has to be more." "Well, when's the last time you were actually happy?" "You microchipped my penis?" "Check, please!" "Microchip." "Ah." "Oh." "Todd!" " 522 00:23:50,990 -- 00:23:53,280 Yeah." "Oh." "Hey, Mr. Peanutbutter." "Hey." "How are you?" "I can't do this anymore." "You can't do what anymore?" "I can't talk to you on the phone all the time." "It's too hard." "Uh, have you tried Bluetooth?" "I think maybe we should stop calling each other, for a little bit." "I'm sorry." "I just miss you too much." "But listen, I love you." "Okay?" "Mr. Peanutbutter?" "Uh, yeah." "Uh, okay." "I love you, Diane." "Where is he?" "I don't know, sir." "Can't do this to me." "Where the hell is he?" "♪ If you come to find out who you are ♪" "♪ And may you find out May you find out who you are ♪" "♪ And if you come to search For what is love ♪" "♪ Then may you find it May you find it at any cost ♪" "♪ Go now You'll go, but don't just hide ♪" "♪ Never leave this Never leave this town ♪" "♪ Of the parade ♪" "Boxer versus raptor." "Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na." "What are you doing here?" "You said if I was in town to give you a call." "Wanna get a drink?" "It's eight in the morning." "It's 5:00 p.m. in Los Angeles." "That's not true." "I don't know what time it is." "When's the last time you slept?" "You look like shit." "Really?" "'Cause you look like a million..." "Yeah, let's get you back to my place." "What about the store?" "What if somebody has an emergency and they need more... turquoise shit?" "It's New Mexico." "They'll find it." "It's really good to see you." "It's good to see you, too." "I can't wait for you to meet Kyle and the kids." "Kyle and the kids?" "Please tell me that's the name of your band. ♪ Kyle and the kids ♪" "♪ Kyle is the dad And Charlotte is married to him ♪" "♪ And they've got some kids ♪" "♪ There's Penny She's going to high school ♪" "♪ And she's got a brother ♪" "♪ Her brother's name is Trip ♪" "♪ They're the perfect family ♪" "♪ Kyle and the kids ♪" "♪ He loves his wife And there's nothing you can do ♪" "♪ Kyle and the kids ♪" "♪ Nothing's gonna be all right Be all right, oh, no ♪" "So, who are you again?" "You were friends with Mom when she lived in L.A.?" "Your mom never mentioned she used to hang out with the BoJack Horseman?" "Star of screen and... book?" "Wait, Mom lived in Los Angeles?" "Never came up?" "All these years?" "It was a long time ago." "Oh, gross." "Mom, Trip has a boner again." "Trip." "Trip, let's dial back the boners." "Gross." "What?" "I can't help it." "Trip, ew." "You are at the breakfast table with your parents, your big sister, and an old man." "What could possibly be arousing you?" "Am I the old man?" "I don't understand how it works." "I was just excited that I finished the maze on the back of the cereal box." "So, BoJack." "What brings you to Tesuque?" "So, we're just gonna change the subject and pretend Trip isn't being a huge perv right now?" "Yeah, Penny, that's the plan." "Talking about it makes it worse." "It likes attention." "Charlotte told me if I was ever in New Mexico" "I should call her." "But what are you doing in New Mexico?" "Yeah, what are you doing in New Mexico?" "I, uh..." "You didn't drive all this way just to see my mom, did you?" "No, of course not." "That would be crazy, to come all this way just to see a woman" "I haven't had a real conversation with in 30 years." "I mean, obviously, that would be crazy." "Uh..." "Because she has a family, which is great." "Yeah." "You guys are great." "Yeah." "So, I'm just here to, you know, say hello." "Mm." "On my way to see..." "On your way to sea?" "Yes." "To the sea." "To the shining sea." "Because I'm here to buy... a boat." "At the..." "Santa Fe Boat Show." "I've never heard of a Santa Fe Boat Show." "That's 'cause... it's a secret boat show." "Invitation-only." "Huh." "Mostly athletes and visiting dignitaries and big-time celebrities and... kings." "Wow." "Hold up." "If you live in Los Angeles, which is right on the ocean, why would you drive all the way here to go to a boat show" "in the middle of landlocked New Mexico?" "Jeez, so many questions." "What is this, Hollywoo Stars and Celebrities," "What Do They Know, Do They Know Things, Let's Find Out? Oh, gotta take this." "It's my... boat... guy." "Hello?" "Okay, so I got Turtel" "Hey, Knute." "You got any leads for me, boat-wise?" "What?" "Sounds perfect, Knute." "Now tell me, do we need a poop deck?" "Huh?" "Well, if Leo has one, then I want one." "BoJack" "In fact, I want two, two poop decks." "Sorry about that." "What's going on?" "Where the hell are you?" "Tesuque." "Te-who-ka?" "Tesuque, New Mexico." "Outside Santa Fe." "Are you te-stupid?" "If you don't get your ass back te-set, you're gonna get te-sued." "Just get me a couple of days." "For what?" "What are you doing there?" "I don't know, I just..." "This isn't what I expected." "Well, I can probably stave them off till Monday if you get pinkeye." "Can you get pinkeye?" "I have to go." "Wait, BoJack, when are you coming back?" "Soon." "Yep, I want the starboard" "to be fully starboard." "What?" "And the port to be... also starboard." "Huh?" "Thanks a lot." "Goodbye." "Wait, BoJack" "Hey." "I'm really glad you're here." "Oh, yeah... uh, me, too." "I hope this isn't weird for you." "You know, me having a family and" "Why would it be weird?" "At our age, it's weird if you don't have a family." "I mean..." "Well, not for you." "No." "'Cause you've been busy." "Right." "With your career." "Sure, yeah, my career has kept me super busy." "Anyway, I know you're just in town for the boat show, but seriously... make yourself at home." "I really don't want to impose." "If there's anything I can do to help around here" "Mom, Dad was supposed to take me driving after school today, but now he's gotta take Trip to his dumb-ass basketball game." "It's the quarter-finals." "You'll just get a hard-on in the game." "Now I will get a hard-on because you made me think about it." "Thanks a lot." "I'll take you driving this weekend." "I need to practice every day." "I'm the only senior who still doesn't have a license." "It's embarrassing." "Well, I got the store, and I already took the morning off, so unless you know any other adults..." "Can BoJack take me?" "Huh?" "What?" "I mean, he is an adult." "Uh..." "Well, I mean, if it's okay with BoJack." "You'd really be doing me a huge favor." "Well, I guess I could make some time..." "before the boat show." "Keep your eyes on the road, both hands on the wheel." "Okay." "And don't text and drive, unless it's an emergency, like you have a really funny thing that you just have to text someone." "Got it." "So, let me ask you something." "Tsk." "Do your parents really love each other, or is it a stay-together-for-the-kids situation?" "What?" "Why would you ask me that?" "I don't know." "Just making conversation." "Why do we keep passing the same house?" "No, I don't." "Shut up." "You shut up." "What's the story?" "Cute guy live there?" "Girl you hate?" "College kid that gives you Adderall?" "Okay, fine." "That's Diego Mendoza's house." "He's just this stupid guy." "He's in my calculus class, and sometimes we'll do this thing where he goes, "Hey," and then I go, "Hey."" "Then he goes, "What's the homework?" and I tell him." "It's not like a big deal or anything, but it's like this thing we do." "Cool thing." "So, anyway..." "My best friend, Alison F. was talking to Rachel Kaplan." "Do I really need to know these names?" "Rachel heard from Ray-Ray and the Bean that Diego said if prom happened right now he'd want to go with Ali Sandler, and I'm like," ""Yeah, pfft, okay, dude." You know what I mean?" "You know I don't know any of these people, right?" "But then he said since prom's not for another two months, he could "foresee a situation" where he would want to go with me, because he knows I'm a real girl who's mostly chill." "If you're so mostly chill, why do you keep driving by his house?" "In case he comes out, to, like, check the mail or something." "I'll get out of the car and be like, "That's so funny." "I was just going for a drive."" "And he'll be like, "Oh, hey." And I'll be like, "Hey."" "'Cause that's our thing, you know?" "Heh." "That's the whole plan?" "Well, it's better than your plan for buying a boat in New Mexico." "Dude, what are you really doing here? I didn't..." "like the person I was in L.A." "And I didn't know where else to go." "Please do not tell your parents." "Well, I won't, but I think people are gonna notice if you go to a boat show and don't come back with a boat." "Oh, my God, there he is." "Get down!" "Oh, my God." "Oh!" "What are you doing?" "What happened to your plan?" "Oh!" "I panicked." "I didn't know he'd be wearing a tank top." "Don't tell my parents I crashed your car." "Yeah, deal." "They didn't even put me in." "I'm sorry, sweetheart." "You did some great cheering from the bench, and for someone who never plays, you sweat a lot." "Maybe they'll put me in next game." "Sure, they will." "No way they'll do that." "What the...?" "Huh?" "Whoa!" "Whoa!" "What a boat." "Can I go on your boat?" "I don't see what's stopping you." "Yeah!" "Woo-hoo!" "I'm going on a boat!" "I got my way!" "Where's your car?" "I junked it." "Who needs a car when you got a boat?" "Uh... well" "Whoa, sweet, a waterbed." "On a boat!" "Think of the amount of floating!" "Please stay out of the bedroom." "Does she have a name?" "Who?" "The boat?" "It does not." "Come on." "You gotta give her a name." "You should call her the Escape From L.A." "That actually is a good name for it, the nongendered object." "Oh, she's a good girl." "I can tell, she's a good girl, isn't she?" "Or are you a bad girl?" "Are you flirting with my boat right now?" "No, just kidding around." "I'm kind of the comedian of the family." "Mind if I get on top of her?" "Knock yourself out." "Dad, don't be gross." "Wow, you really got a boat." "Yeah, sure did." "So, does that mean you're leaving?" "Oh, I, uh..." "Yeah, I guess, uh..." "I guess I did..." "do what I came here to do." "You don't have to go right away, right?" "At least stay till the end of the weekend." "Yeah?" "I don't wanna put you out." "Oh, it's no bother." "And at least now you have your own bed." "Besides... heh, everyone here loves you." "Uh, everyone?" "Don't use the bathroom." "It'll end up in the driveway." "Too late." "Seriously, stay as long as you want." "What?" "BoJack, great news." "Do you still want to go to New York?" "Because Jill Pill" "Jill Pill?" "I don't care about this." "Okay, moving on." "Do you remember when we were at Herb's funeral" "and you told me--?" "Whatever it is, I don't care." "Oh, there's a kitchen!" "Can we make pizza bagels?" "Yeah, family dinner on the boat." "Hey, uh, I'm not gonna be back on set Monday." "What?" "How long do I have to keep putting out fires for you?" "I don't know, Princess Carolyn." "Just let them burn." "What?" "I think I might be here a while." "Listen, I-- Well, who's getting seasick? Just kidding." "It's such an eyesore." "Well, I'm sure if we ask them nicely, they'll move the boat. BoJack?" "Yeah?" "Supper's ready." "So, I had another meeting today with the Drama Chair at SFCC." "They're gonna offer me a position." "What?" "That's amazing." "Oh, that's cool." "Congratulations." "There's a real stick-in-the-mud dean there who doesn't like my in-your-face style." "If I know me, it might lead to some pretty zany misadventures." "Mm." "Brussels sprouts are delicious, Mom." "It's funny you brought up the Brussels sprouts, because I think they're terrible." "I'm just kidding around." "These are great, hon." "Penny, did you hear my bit about the Brussels sprouts?" "A bit is what they call a joke in show business." "Right, BoJack?" "That's right." "String a bunch of those together and you got yourself a riff." "You're not funny, Dad." "Your jokes are never funny." "Okay..." "I think someone's in a mood." "Oh, my God." "I'm not in a mood." "Whatever." "Get bent." "I hate my life." "I can't wait to be dead." "I'll talk to her." "Everyone said for months" "that Diego was gonna ask me to prom." "Yeah?" "But he keeps not doing it." "That is so typical Diego." "So, I thought, okay, if he's not going to ask me, I'll ask him." "Way to take initiative." "Oh." "Rookie mistake." "So, I asked him and he said no." "And then this other girl, Lyla K., came up to him and was just like, "Hey."" "And he was like, "Hey." And that's our thing." "Well, I don't want to tell tales out of school, but this Lyla K. character sounds like a real bust-ass super-skank." "Thank you, that is exactly what she is." "It's weird that nobody talks about it." "Well, you know, sometimes it's nice to not have a date," "because you can actually" "Mom." "I can't go to the prom without a date." "It's not like when you were in high school" "and you'd go to your sock hops." "Do you think" "I went to high school in the '50s?" "Penny, hey, I got an idea." "You should take me to the prom." "Huh?" "Everybody loves having BoJack around." "What?" "Why?" "Think about it." "If you went with Diego, you'd be nervous." ""Does he like me?" "Am I cool?"" "But with me you can just relax and enjoy yourself." "Diego will see you have a good time without him, and that'll make him super jealous." "So, he'll come up to you, and he'll say, "Hey."" "And then you say, "Hey."" "Oh, that's so cold." "Right?" "Wait" "Rachel Kaplan's gonna shit herself." "How is that cold?" "Then he'll say, "Wanna dance?"" "And you'll say, "I'm busy right now." "Maybe later."" "And then... never dance with him." "That'll show him." "Wait-- I'm sorry." "Don't you want to dance with Diego?" "Stop poking holes, Charlotte." "This is a great plan." "Yeah, Mom, don't poke holes." "Hey, Dad, BoJack's taking me to prom!" "Oh, yeah, well, that's definitely the better idea." "Okay, everyone smile." "Real big." "Cheese." "I think we have enough pictures." "Oh, come on, it's your first prom." "Indulge us." "Taking pictures before prom is so bourgeois." "And who are you again?" "I'm Maddy." "Maddy's my best friend." "I thought Alison F. was your best friend." "That was like three best friends ago." "You were best friends with Alison F.?" "No." "Hey, BoJack, I'm Pete." "But they call me Pete Repeat because I always say everything twice." "Everything?" "Yeah, it's kind of my thing." "Okay." "Ah, damn." "I forgot to say that twice, didn't I?" "Usually I do it." "Cool." "Wow, Ray-Ray and the Bean are already posting pics on Instagram." "What?" "Hashtag much?" "Let me see." "Whoa, hold on." "Responsible adult." "What are you drinking?" "Nothing." "Hand it over." "Fine." "Ugh." "Red Bull and vodka?" "What are you, 12?" "You'll get sick drinking all that sugar." "Do they teach you anything in school?" "Make a left at the light." "Where are we going?" "I'll get you some bourbon." "And you'll cut it with water." "That way you don't get hungover." "Wait, really?" "If you're gonna drink, you should be smart about it." "Awesome." "Wait." "How many times did I just say "awesome"?" "Was it twice or was it once?" "Ah, it was probably twice." "Yeah, it's twice." "Pete Repeat." "Ugh." "It burns." "Yeah, 'cause it's not a juice box." "You want some?" "No, thanks." "Pussy." "I'm driving." "Well, more for me." "This prom is really bourgeois." "Lyla K. is so pretty." "Shut up." "She's got nothing on you." "Why is nobody dancing?" "We gotta get this party started." "Beat it, Poindexter." "Poindexter?" "It's a nerd reference..." "Just beat it." "Ah!" "Huh?" "Hey!" "What's the big idea?" "Why is there an adult at our high school prom?" "All right, folks." "We're taking it back to 1991, when a new funky-fresh dance craze took this nation by storm." "All right." "I'm listening." "As a teen, I'm open to new experiences." "Ready for the chorus, stay on the beat, and here... we... go." "Waka waka." "Now boys and girls, if you wanna do the BoJack," "take your hands and put them on your" "Boo!" "This sucks." "This guy's bad." "God, no!" "This is not the immediate praise I expected." "This prom sucks." "You can say that again." "I know." "My flask got empty." "Can we be back to the car, so, for more get for put in it?" "Or we could go back to the car and just leave." "You can't just leave the prom." "Of course you can." "You're young." "You can do whatever you want." "That's what they never tell you until it's too late." "You don't have to be here." "Yeah, is right." "Society is everywhere." "Society." "Well, what else are we gonna do?" "I'd say it's time to get down, time to hit the town." "Is that a lyric from that "Do the BoJack" song?" "Just get in the car." "Okay, one... two... three." "Wow." "That is so beautiful." "Hey, you wanna climb up on the water tower?" "We could see the whole city." "Yeah, I wanna go." "Oh." "Oh, careful there, Maddy." "Actually, I'm gonna stay right here." "This is nice." "Wow, how'd you think to do all this?" "I don't know." "It just came to me." "I'm really glad we left that stupid prom, but I'm kind of bummed we didn't get to dance." "Well, you wanna dance?" "Yes, hold on." "Got it, okay." "It's buffering." "Buffering still, buffering." "This night has been... so perfect." "You know, you look just like your mother." "Guys?" "I think you should come down here." "She's still breathing, but she won't wake up." "She just had too much to drink." "Take her back to your place." "She can spend the night." "Maddy, come on." "No, look, my cousin had a friend who passed out like this, and she died of alcohol poisoning, man." "I really think we should get Maddy to a hospital, to a hospital." "Did you see what I did there?" "That's why they call me Pete Repeat." "BoJack, what do we do?" "Society." "Careful." "I'm being careful." "Okay." "Lock the wheels." "Watch her head." "Maddy's gonna be just fine." "They'll know what to do here." "Pete, you're in charge." "Penny and I are gonna take off." "What?" "You don't want too many people around in a hospital setting." "If anyone asks, tell them we left the dance early, and you don't know where Maddy got the whiskey." "Why?" "It's one thing if a bunch of kids get drunk on prom night, but if there's an adult there, I was supposed to be responsible, and then the whole thing feels kind of creepy." "Are you sure she's gonna be okay?" "I don't know, BoJack." "Pete." "I'm the adult here, and I need you to listen to me." "Penny and I left early." "You don't know who gave Maddy whiskey." "Are we clear on this?" "I need you to be 100 percent with me here." "Uh..." "Just listen to him." "He knows what he's doing." "It's gonna be okay." "Where did Maddy get the alcohol from? I..." "I don't know." "And what happened to your friends BoJack and Penny?" "They left early." "See, that's not so hard." "You're doing the right thing." "Don't forget that." "Okay." "Is it okay?" "Or "okay" okay?" "Uh... "okay" okay." "All right, that's what I thought." "You're the future of America!" "Go, Penny!" "Go, go, go!" "She's gonna be okay, right?" "She'll be fine." "It's a part of growing up." "And we did the right thing back there, you think?" "I..." "Look, sometimes when you're an adult, the right thing isn't always the best thing." "Well..." "I had a really good time tonight." "Even with all the craziness." "This was really special." "I'm glad." "You know, everyone always treats me like a kid." "You're the first grown-up I've ever met who actually treats me like... you know, a person." "So, thanks." "Mwah." "Well, you're welcome, Penny." "Mm" "Whoa, Penny, come on." "If you want to do it, I'm ready." "I have condoms in my room." "I can put one on with my mouth." "With your mouth?" "I put one on a banana in health class." "With your mouth?" "What kind of health class--?" "Look, you are an amazing person, but you're 17." "Which is the legal age of consent in New Mexico." "Okay, that's not" "And I didn't drink tonight, so everything's totally legal." "Penny, no." "It's okay." "I want this." "No, you think you do, but..." "You don't know what you want." "Oh, God." "This is so dumb." "No, Penny, don't" "I'll see you tomorrow." "Hey." "What'd you do with my daughter?" "She had a big night." "She was falling asleep on the ride home." "Where are the boys?" "Trip's at a friend's house and Kyle's asleep." "You know you can get your own, right?" "Hey, do you remember that time you, me and Herb let those balloons go over Studio City?" "Oh, yeah." "Didn't we attach glow sticks to them or something?" "Yeah." "Ooh." "That was really bad for the environment." "True, but" "A seagull could've choked" "on one of those balloons." "But it's a nice memory, right?" "It was a fun night." "We had a lot of fun nights." "Before you left town, you told me L.A. was a tar pit." "Do you remember?" "Oh, God." "I said so many things when I was young." "I thought I was so deep." "Well, do you still think it's true?" "Do I think L.A. is a tar pit?" "No." "No, I think you're the tar pit." "Me?" "No, not "you" you." "I'm just saying, like..." "It doesn't matter where you are, it's who you are, and that's not gonna change whether you're in California or Maine or New Mexico." "You know, you can't escape... you." "Ugh." "Now you sound like my mother." "No, what?" "No, I don't." "I don't know what to do, Charlotte." "About what?" "I keep... making these bad decisions." "And hurting people." "Well..." "Can I tell you a joke?" "Is it a long joke with no punch line?" "No." "Then go ahead." "Guy goes into the doctor's office." "Says, "Doctor, it hurts when I do this."" "You know what the doctor says?" ""Don't do that."" "Yeah." "That's actually... good advice." "And you know what else?" "The doctor in that story was a woman." "What?" "! Oh." "BoJack, um..." "I think you got the wrong idea." "Let's go." "Let's get out of here right now." "No, BoJack." "You and me, this is real." "You know this is real." "My husband is right upstairs." "I don't care about your husband." "All that matters is us." "Don't do this, BoJack." "I know you feel it, too." "So many times in my life I've done the wrong thing, but this is the right thing, and I have never been more sure of anything." "I've wasted so much time sitting on my hands and imagining what could have been." "Tell me you don't feel the same." "Tell me you haven't thought about it." "I think you should go." "Okay." "Tomorrow." "Charlotte" "I have worked very hard to build this life for myself." "I am happy here." "And you just roll into my life like a hurricane." "Why?" "Because we knew each other for five minutes 30 years ago?" "I don't know you." "You do." "I don't." "And you don't know me." "No, please." "These last few months have been amazing." "I love you, your family and this town." "Stop." "I never wanted to hurt" "BoJack" "I'm sorry I kissed you." "I shouldn't have." "We can pretend it didn't happen." "Everything can go back to normal, but" "No, no, stop." "No." "Please, don't make me go back to L.A." "I don't care where you go, BoJack, but I can't have you around here." "You make me too sad." "Okay." "What are you doing here?" "I know what I want, BoJack." "Go to bed, Penny." "Wait, what? Shh, shh, shh." "Quiet, quiet, quiet." "No." "Mom." "Charlotte." "Penny, go to your room." "We didn't even do anything." "Now, Penny." "Charlotte, I am so sorry" "Don't." "Don't you dare." "If you are not out of my driveway in 30 minutes, I will call the police." "And if you ever try to contact me or my family again," "I will fucking kill you." "Hey." "Hey." "You're still here?" "Yep, still here." "♪ Back in the '90s ♪" "♪ I was in a very famous TV show ♪" "♪ I'm BoJack the horse ♪ -♪ BoJack!" "♪" "♪ BoJack the horse Don't act like you don't know ♪" "♪ And I'm trying to hold onto my past ♪" "♪ It's been so long I don't think I'm gonna last ♪" "♪ I guess I'll just try And make you understand ♪" "♪ That I'm more horse than a man ♪" "♪ Or I'm more man than a horse ♪" "♪ BoJack!" "♪" "Boxer versus raptor." "Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na." "Look alive, bright eyes." "It's the morning and somebody loves you." "Right back at you, buddy." "Oh, my God." "He's here." "There he is." "I love you, Mr. Peanutbutter." "I love you, too." "Idea for a new Pixar movie:" "what are pizza boxes thinking about?" "And Leland Stanford?" "Transcontinental Railroad." "Transcontinental Railroad?" "That is correct." "Next question, what is my favorite kind of berry?" "Barry Bostwick." "Raspberry?" "I'm so sorry, the correct answer, of course, was Barry Bostwick." "How was I supposed to know?" "He also likes Franken Berry." "We would have accepted Franken Berry." "What?" "I'm sorry, you lose." "What the...?" "That's our show, but before we go I wanna send out a quick message." "Diane, if you're watching this, I love you and I know you're doing great things." "Idea for a new app: an undo button that could undo long amounts of time." "Hey, is everyone having a good time?" "Ha!" "Three months." "A year." "A life." "Erica, where did that tooth come from?" "All right, let's keep this party going." "One click and everything could just go back to the way it was." "Hey." "Hey." "You're still here?" "Yup." "Still here." "Stop it." "Wake up, captain dumbshit." "I've been trying to get in touch with you for two months." "Ow." "Okay." "I'm awake, I'm awake." "Aah!" "What is it?" "If the studio wants to sue me, tell them to take my house." "I belong to the sea now." "Are you drunk?" "Only on adventure." "And gin." "And vodka." "And gin." "They're not gonna sue you." "They finished the movie." "What?" "How?" "Explain yourself, land wench." "I don't know, ask Turteltaub." "That's not why I'm here." "I thought you were in Cordovia." "You've been here this whole time?" "Idea for a thing Princess Carolyn should do..." "Shut up." "Get dressed." "We're going to the orphanage." "What orphanage?" "Remember at Herb's funeral, I asked you what you wanted me to do" "with your Horsin' Around residuals?" "I do... not remember that." "You said, "Give it to an orphanage or something."" "What?" "It turns out you made enough money to build a brand new one." "So congratulations." "You're a hero." "A hero?" "That's right, a hero." "Or is it pronounced "gyro?" I just call them subs." "Anyway, enjoy the sandwich, you're a great man." "Welcome to The BoJack Horseman Orphanage." "Or, as we call it, The BoJack Horsephanage." "You cannot call it that." "A, because I am not a great man and B, because that is a really stupid name." "The name was Molly's idea." "Stop pissing off the orphans." "A lot of them grow up to be serial killers." "♪ BoJack's a very kind fellow BoJack's a very kind fellow ♪" "♪ BoJack's a very kind fellow ♪" "♪ He gave us a place to live ♪" "Thank you for that lovely song." "But I'm not a good person." "This is the only good thing I've ever done and I did it by accident." "And it just goes to show you life is just..." "Ah, what am I saying?" "I don't have to tell you how hard life is." "You're the ones with the dead parents." "My parents are dead?" "No." "No." "Not necessarily." "Maybe they just didn't want you." "My point is, I don't understand how people live." "It's amazing to me that people wake up every morning and say, "Yeah, another day, let's do it." How do people do it?" "I don't know how." "Yay." "So you see, Todd, the nimble improviser must navigate the most sensitive of areas." "And I'm not just talking about the butt." "Ha." "Copernicus, how do you always come up with these amazing butt jokes?" "When you're a Level Nine, as I am, you don't come up with butt jokes." "You live truthfully in the moment and the butt joke comes to you." "So true." "So wise." "Listen, I need to "shove off," as we sailors say, on my comedy cruise line, the Giggleship." "I shan't be returning." "Shan't you?" "I shannot." "I'd like you to join me on the high seas, as my Number Two and I don't mean that kind of number two." "What, number two, how do you do that?" "If it isn't the furshlugginer putz who cost me 50 grand." "I'm sorry I bailed in the middle of production." "If there's anything I can do." "Do?" "What do?" "Movie's finished." "We fixed the whole thing in post." "Really?" "Remember your first week, these nerds made a computer scan of your head so we could finish if something happened?" "Please don't call us nerds, sir." "Something happened to you, so these nerds finished the movie." "Look what Computer BoJack can do." "Help you out of that tree, ma'am?" "Look at him save that cat." "Now there's a protagonist we can root for." "You did all that in the computer?" "Not just that." "Computer BoJack had so much charisma and screen presence we ended up going back" "and replacing you in every scene." "I'm not in the movie at all?" "Not technically, but computer you is giving the performance of your career." "When people see what you do in this movie, they are gonna storm Daniel Day-Lewis's house, schlep him out into the street, shoot him in the head." "That's how good your performance is." "It's gonna make Daniel Day-Lewis look like shit." "They're gonna hate Daniel Day-Lewis." "But it's not my performance." "Explain that the widow Day-Lewis." "She'll be devastated." "Kaput." "Kapleshky." "Are you Jewish?" "Because I feel some of these you're just making up." "We got a screening this weekend." "Come see the movie, we'll schmooze, we'll kibitz, schlemiel, schlimazel, Hasenpfeffer Incorporated." "Just think, Carolyn, in one week, all of this will be ours." "We should a put a social-media desk there." "If we hire someone to micromanage our clients' online personas and new media outreach, they'll seem more grounded down to earth." "Smiling poop emoji, I love everything about that." "I wanna make sure the couches we get are really comfortable." "Just in case we have some late nights." "Mr." "Rabitowitz." "This is a place of business." "Ugh, can we just freeze in this moment for a second?" "I just wanna remember this instant where for once in my life," "everything was going" "Hold that thought." "What is it?" "Ugh." "My wife and I are going to the ballet tonight, there's a real ish with the restaurant." "This is the wife you're divorcing, right?" "You know how it is." "You say you want a divorce and she says, "No, we can make this work."" "You go to counseling and remember why you fell in love with her in the first place and then, blah, blah, it's a whole thing." "We've been sleeping together for three months." "We're about to start a company together." "None of that has to change." "I am definitely going to divorce her probably, it's just..." "Ugh." "It's hard to explain to someone who's never been married." "Listen, this is" "Oh!" "Sorry, Katie just said something funny." "What?" "I gotta hop." "I love you, though." "Ha, ha." "Okay, keep the engine running, I'll be back in a" " Oh." "Hey." "Hey." "Um, I'm just here to pick up some stuff." "I'm going away for a while." "Oh, where?" "The Giggleship." "It's the comedy cruise line People magazine" "once called "a comedy cruise line."" "Comedy cruise line?" "Oh right, your improv thing." "How was your, uh, graduation show?" "It was two months ago." "You missed it." "Sorry." "No, you're not." "Well..." "Hey, do you remember the morning after my first night here?" "I don't know why everyone keeps asking if I remember things." "I don't." "Just as a general rule, if your question begins, "Do you remember"" "and doesn't end with "how much you hated Moulin Rouge," the answer's no." "I was so happy to have a place to stay that I made pancakes." "And you kept eating them so I kept making them." "And then you got mad at me for letting you eat so many pancakes." "You tried to chase me around the pool, but you were too hungover and also full from the pancakes so instead... you took a nap." "And when you woke up, you said, "Thanks for the pancakes." "Now get out of my house."" "I don't remember any of that." "Well, anyway, I'm finally moving out, just like you wanted." "Good." "Honestly, you'll probably be better off without me." "Yeah." "But we had some good times, though, right?" "Did we?" "Right." "Well, um, take care." "Hey, I hope you can find a way to be happy, BoJack." "I really do." "Yeah, okay." "Hey, Todd?" "You need to get your shit together." "Ugh." "Rutabaga and I are starting a new agency." "I want you to come onboard and write celebrity tweets." "I don't know how to do that." "You're a ghost-writer." "It's the same as writing a book, they're just a lot shorter and more people read them." "All right, but why are you helping me?" "Because my life is a mess right now and I compulsively take care of other people when I don't know how to take care of myself." "Oh." "I was hoping it was because you believed in me." "I don't." "Welcome to my Giggleship." "For us, it's a place to realize our higher selves." "For the paying public, it's a place to watch improv and drink watered-down margaritas for 8.99." "Wow, we must all make a lot of money." "No, no, you just get paid in experience and stage time." "Which in a way is even better than money." "Say what?" "Look, We've arrived at your living quarters." "Wow." "No more couch-sleeping for this guy." "He gets a mattress." "That's the spirit." "And you can use improv to make this room anything you want it to be." "My cabin is exactly like yours, but when I use my imagination, it becomes a rich stateroom with a treasure chest full of booty." "I like a big booty, if you know what I mean." "And I don't mean a butt." "You really are the master of spontaneous witticisms." "All right, you ready?" "This is go time." "There's no turning back now." "Oh, I am ready." "Great." "Now let's get out there and tell all those garbage rat bastard sons of bastards what we really think of them, once and for all." "Everyone." "We have an announcement." "Guys, we have an announcement." "What's going on?" "Mr." "Witherspoon's in the hospital." "He had a stroke." "Oh." "Well, you know what you rat bastards can stroke?" "Uh..." "Oh." "My big, hairy... Well, we burned that bridge." "Todd, you should be up a magician's sleeve because you are a card." "Hey, Bryan." "What's going on here?" "He refused to scrub the floors." "Oh, Bryan." "Please." "My knees were cramping so I needed to stand." "But I'm real good at cleaning windows." "Look." "That's solid space-work." "Bryan, don't worry." "I'm gonna go to Copernicus and get this sorted out." "Copernicus?" "Uh, Copernicus?" "Huh?" "Huh." "Whoa." "One Hundred and One Butt Jokes?" ""No parking in the rear?" Aah!" "Copernicus is a fraud!" "A fraud?" "Me?" "Ow." "Aah." "I had such high hopes for you, Todd." "Normally, I'd make a perfectly timed butt joke here, but as you can see, I don't have my book." "Oh!" "Guards, take this subversive to the Yes And room." "No." "Hey, what are you doing?" "No." "Shame on all of you!" "Just wait till you see my Trip Advisor review." "This cruise is getting three stars." "Because I have very mixed feelings about it." "Carolyn, we are free." "Yeah." "Real quick, kiss me once." "Then kiss me twice." "I don't want to do that anymore." "I told you, we can make this work" "No." "I don't want" "Carolyn, you're a single woman in your 40s." "Can you really afford to be picky?" "What?" "I'm just saying, what, you think you're gonna find some perfect unattached guy who's gonna love you like I do?" "Who's gonna make you laugh and feel good about yourself?" "This is it, Carolyn, this is what you get." "If you're holding out for something better, well, I hate to break it to you, but you're gonna be alone for a long time." "I'm not afraid of being alone." "And you might wanna find someplace else to work" "because you're not coming with me." "Wait, wait, wait, what?" "It's my company." "My name is on all the paperwork." "I think I can do it without you." "Good luck." "Whoa, Carolyn, we just" " Come..." "Carolyn." "My name is Princess Carolyn." "And as I held that baby in my arms," "I knew I had been given a second chance." "A chance to finally make things right." "And this time, I was gonna win... the race of life." " 248 00:14:32,270 -- 00:14:37,600" "Whoa." "That was actually good." "We're doing a full awards push." "You should clear your schedule for the next year." "Buckle up, buddy, this is the year of Secretariat." "But it wasn't Secretariat." "And it wasn't me." "It was a computer." "What difference does it make?" "Smile and collect your trophies." "You know Ana Spanikopita?" "Hello." "Aah!" "They call her the Oscar whisperer." "Ana Spanikopita." "Big fan." "Thank you, it's" "I meant you are going to be a big fan of me because I am going to win you an Oscar." "Ana is the best there is." "You better start writing your speech." "I don't have to thank my parents, do I?" "You're funny." "I am literally laughing out loud." "Uh..." "We gotta get you on a talk show." "You have any weird history with Kelly Ripa I should know about?" "No." "Well, define "weird."" "You look doughy." "Do you run?" "Cardio?" "Anything?" "I mean, occasionally." "Excuse me?" "That was such a beautiful performance." "So brave." "Thank you." "Everyone here loves you." "Do you feel that?" "Feel that energy!" "They don't love me." "They don't know me." "That's why they love you." "He's right." "Our research shows America likes to think they know you, and then they like learning more about you, but at a certain point they pass a threshold where they actually know you and then they find you weird and off-putting." "Are you saying that nobody who really knows me could ever love me?" "No, no, no." "Not nobody." "No." "No." "What am I doing here?" "I don't know where you're going, but if you could run there." "Sextina, hi." "Thanks for meeting me here." "I'm really excited to be working with you." "Listen, chitch, if you're going to tweet for Sextina Aquafina, you need to capture the essence of my personal brand, okay?" "All upper caps, no punctuation, lots of cryptic bullshit about the Illuminati and make sure to mention my preferred brands, okay?" "Beats by Dre, Abercrombie and Fitch and brand fin polish." "Can you spell that last one?" "No." "I gotta go get my blowhole bleached." "Hey, thank you so much." "You people are the real stars." "Huh? Hi." "I'm Sarah Koenig." "This is one ringtone told over the course of several rings." "And the story it's telling you is to answer your phone." "Hello?" "Hey, Diane." "Hey." "Uh..." "So..." "How's Cordovia?" "It's... hard." "Do you know where the batteries are?" "What?" "The batteries in the remote died." "Did you check the junk drawer?" "Yeah, I looked in the junk drawer." "I'm gonna take them out of the smoke detector." "No, don't do that." "Well, I'm out of options." "Listen, I know this sounds crazy, but I think maybe you should get back here" "so you can help me find the batteries." "Yeah?" "I know you're doing important work and it's a long way to travel, but I need you here and I think you should come home." "Is that really what you want?" "Of course it is." "Well, okay, I'm looking at this website right now and it says if I leave immediately, I can still make it home tonight." "That sounds great." "I love you." "I love you, too, Diane." "You know, it's the funniest thing." "There is a woman in this restaurant who looks just like you." "I guess I just have one of those faces." "Okay, party people, we have time for one more suggestion." "Todd." "Did someone say movie theater?" "I heard movie theater." "I'm Abe Lincoln and I'm gonna wear my giant hat to the movies." "Who's this sitting behind me?" "John Wilkes Booth." "Uh-oh." "Todd, it's me, BoJack." "BoJack?" "Todd, I'm getting you out of here." "I can't leave." "I need to take suggestions." "Okay, well, here's a suggestion, your name is Todd." "You're 24, you live on my couch and you've always seen the good in me somehow." "You've been brainwashed into thinking that you belong here, but you don't." "You belong back home." "If you're any kind of improviser, you'll take that suggestion and you'll run with it." "Huh." "Let's get out of here." "I'm afraid that getting out of here is not an option." "You've seen too much." "What the hell are you gonna do about it?" "Stop you." "With these." "Oh, no." "Don't do anything crazy, guys." "You can't be serious." "Just get behind me, BoJack." "No sudden moves." "Be reasonable." "You wouldn't wanna puncture the hull." "Especially not when I have this smoke bomb." "Ka-pow!" "I've lost them." "Where did they go?" "Seriously?" "Now feel the wrath of my flamethrower." "Too bad we're wearing sunscreen with SPF a million which protects against flamethrowers." "Oh, no." "Now we finish this with our strangle machine." "Beep, boop, boop." "Machine?" "Strangle those guys." "Ugh!" "BoJack, help." "There is literally nothing happening to you." "You don't understand, if you die in improv, you die in real life." "So stupid." "Fine." "I guess I have a guard killing machine?" "Beep, boop, beep." "No." "I have a wife and children." "Well, they're improvised, but they're real to me." "Can this be the end?" "This whole ship is full of idiots." "Beep, boop." "Come on, come on, come on." "Come on, come on, Todd." "Almost there." "Wait." "Where are you going?" "Sorry, improv is fun and great and everything, but you guys are really into improv." "I'm gonna go with my friend." "Your friend?" "I didn't realize this man was your friend." "Well, then, by all means, go with him, Todd." "But, see, I thought this was the man who sabotaged your rock opera." "The one who constantly abuses you and makes you shower with a hose in the yard." "I invited him to." "The one who's never said a kind word to you the entire time you've known him." "Is this your friend, Todd?" "It's more complicated than that." "Is it?" "We're your friends, Todd." "More than that, we're a family." "I, uh..." "Hash browns." "What?" "I heard hash browns." "Martha, did you see my hash browns?" "Oh, my God, do you ever turn it off?" "It was hash browns, not pancakes." "The first morning you stayed with me." "You kept making them and I kept eating them and then I threw up in the pool." "That made you throw up in the pool." "Then I got mad at you for throwing up in my pool." "But, you said, "I'll clean it up."" "And did I clean it up?" "No." "You didn't." "I had to call the pool cleaner." "Ha, ha." "And you said," ""Thank you for letting me stay here." "I don't have anywhere else to go." And I remember when you said that," ""I don't have anywhere else to go," because I felt good about myself." "And I don't feel that way a lot." "Letting you stay with me was the best thing I ever did on purpose." "I don't think I ever told you that." "But I should have." "Because you're my best friend, Todd." "I'm not gonna lie, if you just made all that up, that was some really good improv." "Game recognize game." "Why do you have a boat?" "Uh, I don't remember." "Hello?" "Prince?" "Listen, bozo, I keep getting calls from this New York playwright, she really wants to talk to you." "She says you know her, Jill Pill?" "Jill Pill?" "Ring any bells?" "Apparently, she worked on your TV show." "Horsin' Around?" "No, actually." "The other TV show." "Other TV show?" "Oh, shit." "Jill." "I'm moving into the new office and I got Herb's ashes here." "I really don't know what to do with this thing." "Do you want it?" "Yeah." "Why did I take you with me?" "Herb loved orphans." "Mostly as a delivery apparatus for hackneyed punchlines and mawkish sentimentality, but still." "And we will do our part to honor his legacy." "Hey, who's Jerb?" "What?" "Jerb Ka" " Why does it say "Jerb Kazzaz?"" "Your e-mail said "Jerb." I forwarded it to the plaque guy." "Is it not--?" "No, obviously that was a typo." "Why would I want to dedicate the orphanage to the memory of Jerb Kazzaz?" "Kind of sounds like something you'd get at a Mediterranean restaurant, but wouldn't finish." "And the waiter would say, "You want me to box up this jerb kazzaz for you?"" "And you'd say, "No."" "You gotta fix this." "Really?" "We spent a lot of money on this plaque, you know?" "And on the t-shirts." "Jerb's kids?" "No, there's no Jerb." "It's Herb." "T-shirt's say Jerb so I'm going by the t-shirts." "You know, Herb would probably think that this is pretty funny" "that you couldn't even get this right." "Yeah." "He would." "So, in a way..." "Yeah." "You wanna get some Mediterranean food?" "You read my mind." "Oh, God." "Lungs on fire." "Ow." "Crap." "I hate this." "Running is terrible." "Everything is the worst." "Oh, my God." "Oh, my God." "It gets easier." "Huh?" "Every day, it gets a little easier." "Yeah?" "But you gotta do it every day." "That's the hard part." "But it does get easier." "Okay." "♪ I sleep in late ♪" "♪ Another day ♪" "♪Oh, what a wonder ♪" "♪ Oh, what a waste ♪" "♪ It's a Monday ♪" "♪ It's so mundane ♪" "♪ What exciting things Will happen today?" "♪" "♪ I want to grow Tomatoes on the front steps ♪" "♪ Sunflowers, bean sprouts Sweet corn and radishes ♪" "♪ I feel proactive ♪" "♪ I pull out weeds ♪" "♪ All of the sudden I'm having trouble breathing in ♪" "♪ I'm having trouble breathing in ♪" "♪ I'm having trouble breathing in ♪" "Boxer versus raptor." "Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na."