"**... woman: steve." "steve." "i'm back." "back?" "i've made some changes, steve, but... at last, i'm back from lesbos." "i don't know anyone from lesbos." "except...jeff." "these days i prefer... jeffina." "what happened?" "one night, alone on lesbos, i started to wonder if there was any way i could see a woman naked again." "at that point, steve, i may have lost my sense of proportion." "so this is a dream, isn't it?" "of course it's a dream, steve." "and you're miss hugenot!" "our fourth year math teacher!" "well, i may have borrowed elements of her appearance." "you're also pregnant." "so was miss hugenot when she took us for maths." "remember she started lactating?" "magnificent, aren't they?" "verging on balance problem." "steve." "yes, jeff?" "would you... like to see them?" "jeff. i-i don't-- i know what you like in a bosom." "and i don't think my... magnificent, milky stallions will disappoint." "no!" "i'm gonna be a father in a few hours!" "i refuse to dream about this." "so... not long, then." "we'll wait together." "take your hand off my knee, jeff." "okay." "so, what's been going on, then?" "oh, you know." "susan's pregnant, jane's mad." "what about patrick and sally?" "it was going pretty well, but i think they're gonna split up." "no, really?" "yeah. sally found out that patrick had slept with jane." "did you sleep with jane?" "any alleged incident involving jane and myself would have taken place long before you and i-- did you sleep with jane?" "sometimes a man is faced with the right thing to do and the wrong thing to do, and he only misses by one." "patrick, did you sleep with jane?" "a straight answer, please." "there's more than one way to skin a cat." "that doesn't mean anything!" "give me a break." "i'm trying to think on my feet here." "i know!" "it's like watching a whale knit!" "did...you...sleep..." "with...jane?" "all right. now, before i say anything which may inadvertently seem to confirm or deny that, yes, i did. damnit!" "and obviously you videoed her." "well, um... you videoed them all, patrick." "i locked the cupboard!" "you locked it?" "and i removed the tape." "so, in fact, you locked the tape outside of the cupboard." "damnit." "so where is it, then?" "there really is no point in this." "i'm not so stupid i'm gonna tell you where i put it." "and by the time you find it, it'll have been taped over anyway." "damnit!" "thank you." "so, you rushed back here, locked the tape outside the cupboard, put it in the vcr-- ohh... and forget to press "record."" "are you sitting comfortably?" "( doorbell ) i'll get it." "okay, emergency!" "all systems go!" "steve?" "susan's waters have just broken, the airlock doors are opening, we are now on condition red, susan's having a baby, phasers on "kill."" "so what's happening now?" "susan and i are heading straight to the hospital, but susan wanted a change of underwear because of the...sprayage." "you didn't just leave her in the car, did you?" "no, no. she insisted on coming in with me." "damnit!" "right, um, in you come." "in you come." "lots to do." "steve, i'm not a straggler." "i'm the one in labor." "okay, everyone, this is susan." "they know who i am." "oh, my god, susan." "how do you feel?" "i don't know what to feel." "we're about to have a baby." "this is no time for feelings!" "okay. you need underwear." "i need really, really enormous pants." "don't worry, she's got loads." "let's see what i've got." "uh, when i say "loads,"" "apparently just a few months ago, out of the blue, thongs suddenly stopped being popular, and these days both: very large knickers are actually much more fashionable." "damnit!" "right, then." "susan's changing, let's check out the action." "what action?" "sally, this is insane!" "it was years ago." "long before you and i-- so you won't mind me watching it, then." "i don't. it's sex." "it happened exactly once." "you want to watch it, fine." "well, hello there, mr. patrick maitland." "it's one-thirty in the morning, and my taxi's just arrived." "sorry about taping over the action, but i thought instead of yet another tape of boring old sex in your cupboard, it might be useful for me to give you a bit of a critique." "let's start at the very beginning-- kissing and tongues." "you've certainly got one of those, haven't you?" "the epiglottis, patrick, tucked away at the back of the throat, is a very important organ-- not a goal." "okay?" "now, nipples." "you like those, don't you?" "which is great, which is lovely." "they're lots of fun." "they go in and out a bit, don't they?" "got a bit of extension going on there." "the thing is, patrick, though they do go in and out a bit, though they do extend, what they don't do-- and this is important-- is revolve." "that's a "no"" "on revolving." "quite honestly, patrick, sometimes it's like you're trying to operate an etch-a-sketch." "susan: okay, i think we should be heading off-- and so we proceed to the clitoris." "so difficult to find, so elusive." "you know, there's something women down the ages have wanted to ask, and perhaps i should just ask it now." "just how difficult to find, just how elusive is... front and center?" "that's not exactly hiding." "it doesn't move, it doesn't go anywhere, it doesn't pop round the back in all the excitement." "anyway, that's about it, or my taxi driver will be getting a teensy bit impatient." "good night." "oh, my bag's just here." "that went quite well, didn't it?" "i hope you don't mind a bit of constructive criticism." "i mean, we have been at it for three weeks." "you said it happened "exactly once."" "clearly i made a flawed use of the word "exactly."" "i want to see the other tapes." "i never make more than one sex tape of a woman." "i'm not a pervert." "we really should go." "unlock the cupboard." "i can't." "soon as i heard you, i locked the cupboard, threw the key out the window." "the cupboard is generally kept locked, isn't it?" "at all times." "maximum security." "if that door is shut, that cupboard is locked." "and what did you do to the cupboard when you heard me coming in?" "uh, locked it." "sally, please!" "we've got to go now, seriously!" "susan:" "okay, okay." "sally, listen!" "don't blow this!" "susan, come on!" "we're gonna miss the birth!" "sally!" "look, i just--ohh!" "that was definitely a contraction." "no, it was easy." "i can definitely handle these." "we really should go." "it was a piece of cake, steve." "and you thought i needed drugs." "ha ha ha!" "are you feeling calmer?" "i'm totally calm." "of course i'm calm." "good, 'cause i think you should take over the driving now." "patrick: sally!" "aha!" "sally, i don't want you to look in that box." "i know that, patrick." "i knew it the moment i saw the box." "and do you want to know how?" "sally, put that box down and move away." "no." "this is an engagement ring." "yes, it is." "an engagement ring!" "do you have a girlfriend?" "yes, sally." "you." "me?" "!" "yes, you." "who are you proposing to, then?" "!" "who do you think?" "i-- i-- i was waiting-- i was waiting, as it happens, for the right romantic moment." "fuck." "fuck." "fuckity-fuck!" "was that a yes?" "you know what's handy about being a bloke trapped in the body of a lactating female math teacher?" "off the top of my head?" "convenient snacking at a whole new level." "oh, dear god!" "so, any time you're feeling peckish." "no!" "so, how's it going with jane and oliver?" "it should go all right." "jane pretty much told him he was getting sex and when to show up for delivery." "so how excited was he?" "half man, half erection." "oliver:" "the door to sexland." "i am returning to planet sex." "i, oliver morris, after a gap of many, many months, shall once again set foot on a woman." "just don't let it show it's been a while." "don't let her see it in your eyes." "( doorbell )" "( jane's walkman blaring )" "( doorbell )" "( doorbell )" "( doorbell ) oliver:" "jane, i can hear you in there!" "can you hear me?" "( knocks on door ) jane?" "jane!" "( knocking on door, ringing doorbell ) jane!" "jane!" "jane!" "( banging on door ) jane!" "jane!" "jane!" "jane!" "jane!" "jane!" "jane!" "jane!" "jane!" "jane!" "jane!" "jane!" "jane!" "jane!" "jane!" "jane!" "( sobbing ) jane!" "jane!" "jane!" "oh, oliver!" "what have i told you about being too keen?" "too keen?" "!" "too sodding keen?" "!" "jane, i have been risking life and limb to get your attention!" "i've been balancing on your window ledges!" "i've nearly taken this door apart with my bare hands!" "i've been here since seven-thirty!" "seven-thirty, jane!" "oh, oliver." "it has been a long time since you've had sex, hasn't it?" "why do you say that?" "it's seven-thirty-five." "( exhales ) okay... erogenous zones." "don't forget about the zones." "they like zone coverage." "no particular order, don't get hung up on the alphabetical thing." "oh, i love that!" "it's so good to know i can still make him happy." "okay." "well, now... jane?" "yes, oliver?" "before we...proceed-- yes, oliver?" "what is the situation between you and steve?" "oh." "that's a long and complex situation." "we go back years, steve and i." "we met at a friend's funeral." "i was sitting in the church and i saw steve sitting on the other side of the aisle and i thought, "mmm, that's a nice face." "must take it out for a canter."" "and we've been together ever since." "except you split up." "just 'cause you split up with someone doesn't mean they stop being your boyfriend." "yes, it does." "you wouldn't understand." "don't worry about it." "maybe i should just go." "what?" "if you're still hung up on steve, is there really much point in this?" "there's nothing going on between me and steve." "it's not like that." "okay, jane, all hands on deck, we need that vagina dilating." "oh, my god!" "oh, hi, oliver." "how the hell did you get in here?" "!" "i've never been able to give my key back." "she gets too upset." "last time she bit my face." "what did you mean, vagina dilating?" "right, here's the state-of-play update vis-?" "vis the current situation." "why have you got a notebook?" "don't touch my notebook!" "sorry!" "now, susan's waters have broken, she started having contractions, but when we got to the hospital they stopped, so we decided to come home again and let you know what was happening on the way." ""we"?" "damnit!" "sorry, sorry." "there's a lot for us all to keep track of at the moment." "i'm the one having the baby!" "yes, that's right, focus on your own area." "hi, jane. do you mind if i have a lie-down?" "no, of course not." "ohh... thanks so much." "oliver, could you give me your hand?" "my hand?" "if i have a contraction, i'd like something to squeeze." "i'm not sure what i was expecting from this evening, but i'm fairly sure this isn't close." "oh, god!" "you two are supposed to be having sex tonight, aren't you?" "the sex is canceled." "sorry, sex is off the menu." "sorry, everyone, we were expecting a delivery about now, but we were let down." "sorry, madam, can't fix your sex life today, don't have the parts." "okay, forget that last one." "so, what's the problem?" "apart from the fact that jane still thinks steve's her boyfriend?" "not in that way, oliver." "that's all in the past." "steve and i were rubbish together." "we were, weren't we?" "fatal attraction meets predator." "we had a horrible time together." "four years, never laughed." "no laughs at all." "isn't that right?" "no laughing, that's true." "i lost the ability to laugh." "i'm not used to it anymore." "half of it comes out my nose." "i've got a snorty laugh." "it's repulsive." "i quite like the snorting." "i'll tell you something else, oliver." "something you should know if you're feeling insecure." "steve: you should listen to this, oliver." "jane's about to say something important, i can tell." "once a year she says something truthful, and i can tell when she's revving up to it." "so, seriously, listen to this." "i've never once had an orgasm during sex." "you lying cow!" "it's not your fault, steve." "i never have with anyone." "guys, this is really doing my head in. i should go." "oliver, you just stay right where you are." "no, listen, i've got--aaah!" "honey, i'm a woman in the middle of a contraction." "don't mess with me." "the contractions have started again?" "!" "we'll deal with that in a moment." "are they bad?" "yes!" "it's fine, i'm completely coping." "now, oliver, listen to me." "look at jane." "she's beautiful." "she's mad, but she's very, very sexy, and she's never had an orgasm." "there's your challenge, your new world to conquer." "there's your everest." "don't stop till you see the peak." "what are you waiting for, oliver?" "mount jane!" "s-sorry, no, that-- that wasn't meant to sound like an instruction." "( pained ) is the contraction over yet?" "oh, yeah. sorry." "steve, phone the hospital." "tell them the contractions have started again and we're coming back in." "okay." "i'll get you a glass of water." "( dialing ) jane." "yeah?" "did you mean it?" "did you really never have a single...you know?" "of course i didn't mean it." "i had tons of orgasms." "and i loved you to bits, and i wanted to keep you forever." "and it broke my heart when you left me for susan." "but i'm completely over you now." "and i've met someone who doesn't mind my snorty laugh." "so please..." "seriously, steve... shut up." "go and have a baby." "jane." "are you just reassuring me?" "maybe." "or i could be reassuring oliver." "okay, well... which one of us is being reassured?" "my boyfriend." "three times." "what?" "when the contractions really hit, susan wants me to ask her three times if she really wants pain relief." "what's the matter with women?" "we are..." "very complex creatures." "well... thanks for dropping by, old friend." "i'd say "no problem,"" "but, hey, i'm not really here." "can you feel 'em, steve?" "can you feel my stallions?" "susan: steve?" "hi." "hi." "you're going to remember?" "i'll ask you three times." "are you all right?" "what happened?" "it's okay, don't call security." "he just asked his girlfriend a little question." "i also asked her if i could ask it two more times." "she said you can't." "trust me, the word wasn't "can't."" "( panting ) darling, uh, i don't know if this is a good time to mention breathing exercises-- steve." "yes, darling?" "get me a fucking epidural!" "( happily ) epidural... what a sad, beautiful name." "how are we doing here, then?" "where's my lovely mr. anesthetist?" "hello, there." "hello, mr. take-away-my-pain." "feeling better now?" "better?" "i'd have you right here, but i've got someone coming the other way!" "okay, susan, i'm just gonna check how you're doing below." "okay, fine." "talk me up." "don't mind me, please." "okay, i'm afraid you're still not any more dilated." "could have fooled me." "could i have a word with you outside, mr. taylor?" "yeah, sure." "i should really be taking to both of you, but susan's pretty out of it." "the fact is, she's not making the progress she should." "we've tried inducing her, it doesn't seem to be working." "we might have to consider a c-section." "right." "now, that's a major operation, as you know." "yeah, sure." "of course, that would mean that there'd be no damage to anything... lower?" "well, yes, but we have to cut through many layers of tissue." "it will be weeks before she fully recovers." "there'll be scarring." "it's a big decision." "yes." "yes, i can see that." "um....okay, i think i'm gonna have to go and talk it over with susan." "of course. yeah." "steve: darling... great news!" "steve:" "from now on, i'm just gonna tell it exactly like it was because that's all you can do." "they dressed me up like a long, green tit-- helmet, bags over my shoes, daffodil up my arse if they'd have offered one." "and what did i know?" "they put up a screen over susan's chest so i didn't have to see them cut her open." "well, it's only good manners." "then i hid behind it." "then a man i'd barely met started doing something dreadful to susan." "he seems to be cutting a lot." "do you want to check what's happening?" "here's the most cowardly answer i've ever given the woman i love." "i'm sure they know what they're doing." "okay." "can you feel anything?" "yeah, i can feel something going on, but...it doesn't hurt." "it's a bit like being a washing machine." "( baby cries ) oh, my god!" "steve, here's the baby!" "it's a boy." "then there was a bit more cutting and snipping, then a red, bloody thing was being put on some scales." "i was pretty sure i was supposed to feel something about that." "didn't feel a thing." "i just wanted to go home, watch a video and eat crisps." "mr. taylor." "do you want to see him?" "well?" "go and look." "go and look at him." "so i did." "i went and i looked." "and it was red and ugly and noisy." "and i didn't feel anything you're supposed to, nothing at all." "i was epidural man." "fingers and toes-- count them." "yeah, he's fine." "it all looks pretty average." "no eyes, though." "his eyes are shut, mr. taylor." "it's the light." "so i shaded his eyes, and then... and then he looked at me." "and, oh, my goodness, me... i became someone else entirely." "* if you can't make your mind up * * we'll never get started *" "* and i don't want to wind up * * being parted * broken-hearted" "* so if you really love me * say yes * and please don't tell me * * perhaps * perhaps * perhaps"