"(# THE PARTING GIFTS:" ""Walking Through The Sleepy City")" "# Walking through the sleepy city" "# In the dark it looks so pretty" "# Till I got to the one café" "# That stays open night and day..." "'Wallace." "Whatever you saw, there's an explanation." "'I'm not saying it's a good explanation." "'It's obviously a bad explanation." "But we can't just leave things like this." "'You have to call me back, OK?" "Wallace, whatever happened, I still love you.'" "(Beep)" "(Phone) 'This message has been saved for 379 days." "'Message deleted.'" "# Just seen this girl walking my way" "# And she was as pretty as my sleepy city" "# When you walk through the sleepy city" "# In the night it looks so pretty" "# I'm tired of walking on my own" "# Looks better when you're not alone..." "Yeah, that was supposed to be an anonymous fridge-magnet poem." " And here I am, quietlyjudging you." " Oh, I can handle it." "I've humiliated myself much more thoroughly in front of people I actually know." " Cheers." " Cheers." "# When you walk through the sleepy city" "# In the night, it looks so pretty... #" "(# RICH AUCOIN: "Brian Wilson Is A.L.l.V.E.)" "I'm sorry, I moved your poem." " I find this weirdly addictive." " (Wallace) Yeah, like face tattoos." "(Chantry) Like peeing in the ocean." " Ah!" " Here it is." "Here it is." "Hi." " Oh, did you guys meet?" " Er... kind of, yeah." " Wallace, this is my cousin Chantry." " Hi." "Chantry, this is my college roommate Wallace." " You're Wallace." " Yep." "This is the first time he's been outside in, like, a year." "Wow!" "Hey, you do look pale." "I just assumed you were anaemic or partially albino." "It's both, actually." "He's been hibernating like an adorable little bear cub because of his broken head." "Please stop telling people that and stroking my face." "(Chuckles)" " Anyway, er..." " Hey!" "Do you guys know Becky?" "She said she was coming here to try and suck some guy Allan's cock." "If I could find his cock I could probably find her." " I'm Allan." " Oh..." "I know his cock." "I don't see her here right now." " But maybe together we could find her." " OK." "Do you want me to give you a tour?" "Come." " Si." " Entrada." "To be fair, er..." "I don't always like parties either." "Awkward small-talk is not my forte." "It's "fort" actually." ""Forte" is Italian, it means forcefully." "And "fort" is French for strength." "But I still say "forte" too, because if you say "fort"" "everyone thinks you're getting it wrong, even though it is the correct pronunciation." "So is that, like, your thing?" "Correcting people's pronunciation?" " Yeah, that's my thing." " How's it going for you?" "I have a dead-end job, I live in my sister's attic, and I basically never go out." "Er... correcting pronunciation is my old thing." "Actually, my new thing is over-sharing." " Here, try some of Allan's beer." " Thank you." "OK, but wait, just back up a second." " Er... you sewed up your own hand?" " I did." "My parents kept a suture kit under the bathroom sink." "Oh, because they're serial killers?" "Closer than you think, actually." "They're surgeons." " Oh, God!" " Speaking of which, who do you think has, on average, a higher body count:" "a mediocre surgeon or an exceptional serial killer?" "You're right." "If your parents ever killed anyone, I'm sure it was completely by accident." "Technically, it's known as medical negligence." "Oh, right!" "So, er..." "I've gotta go to the bathroom." "Do you need anything, like some dental floss or, you know, an expired aspirin?" "Er... no, but I've left a matchbox in there and I was hoping that all the women here could just leave one pubic hair in it." "Er..." "I'll just go around with, like, a pally tray." "No, no, no, they'll be in there." "It'll be fine." "I'm stuffing a pillow." "(Chantry) OK." "(# HAE RTS: "Wings")" " Oh... hey!" " Oh, hi!" "I was just, er..." "leaving without saying goodbye, like a dick." "Yeah." "Yeah..." "That's totally what..." "I am doing as well." "Where do you...?" "Oh, er..." "I'm just, like, a couple blocks west." "Me too." "Would you like to walk together?" "Er... yeah, sure." "Cool." "I read in the tabloids that she's a cannibal and he faked Parkinson's to get attention." " I read that too." "Crazy." " Isn't that unbelievable?" "Awful people, really." " Er... this is actually me here, so..." " Oh!" "Right, er..." "Well... hey, I had a really good time talking to you." "Yeah, me too, which is rare actually." "I'm... usually not that social, so..." "Well, er... maybe you'd like to talk again sometime?" " Yeah, definitely." "We should hang out." " Yeah, it'd be lovely." " OK." "So, I'm gonna give you my number." " OK." "I will..." " Top secret." " Good." " I did not mean to stay out so late." " No, me neither." "My boyfriend will be worried about, er... what happened to me." " So... you know, call me." " Yes." "Thank you very much, er..." " Nice to meet you." " Nice meeting you." " Cool." " Good night." "Good night." "(# PATRICK WATSON:" ""Big Bird In A Small Cage")" "(Sighs)" "# There was a house halfway round the world" "# And I was invited in for a small taste of gin" "# There was a hallway a thousand birds long" "# But the biggest one of all was in a cage too small" "# I asked the caretaker cos he was their maker" "# He looked at me and laughed, took another sip from his glass" "# He said "Open up your ears"... (Wallace) 'Well... hey, I had a really good time talking to you.'" "(Chantry) 'Yeah, me too." "'My boyfriend will be wondering what happened to me.'" "# That we all love to sing along" "# To the sound of the bird that mourns" "# Pa-pa-Pa" "# Pa-pa-pa-paaa #" "Hey, what's up, Felix?" "' (Bang) - (Ellie) OW!" " You all right?" " I just dropped an earring." "Your dinner's in the oven." " Good night." " What time will you be home?" "If the date is good, midnight." "If the date is bad, eight." "Er... no treats, OK?" "And no horror movies." "And don't let him go up on the roof." "And don't sell his organs on the black market." "OK, I'm off!" "Take care." "Have fun." "Good luck!" "(Horror movie soundtrack)" "'Clear!" "'" "All right, mate, close your eyes." "'Clear.'" "OK, you can open them again." "(Door opens)" "(Switches channel)" "Oh... ("Felix the Cat" soundtrack)" "(Sighs)" "(Switches channel back to horror movie)" "Thank you." "(Narrator) 'Nothing gave Buttercup as much pleasure as ordering Westley around.'" "(Buttercup) 'Farm boy, polish my horse's saddle." "'I want to see my face shining in it by morning.'" "(Westley) 'As you wish.'" "(Narrator) "'As you wish" was all he ever said.'" "Thank you." "(Beeps horn) Hey!" "You need a ride?" " Oh..." " Oh, hey!" "Hey!" "Er... no, I think we're OK." "Thanks, yeah." "Sorry, I didn't see you there." "I also didn't see you standing right next to me." " Hi, Wallace." " Chantry?" " Yes." "I'm here alone." " Me too." "My boyfriend was supposed to come, but he had to work late, so..." "I like seeing movies by myself, though." "I think it's, er... really cool you're here alone." " Oh, yeah, it's super cool." " Yeah." "(Chantry) Seriously?" "(Wallace) Yeah, seriously." "Wallace, I don't think you can have "Princess Bride"" "as one of your favourite movies if you actually think love makes you a worse person." "Well, no, it's irrelevant." ""The Princess Bride" is a fairy tale." "In fairy tales love inspires you to be noble and courageous." "But in real life love is just an all-purpose excuse for selfish behaviour." "You can lie and cheat and hurt people and it's all OK cos you're in love." "I don't know if you are actually cynical or just a super-crazy, romantic cheeseball." "You did go see "Princess Bride" by yourself on a weeknight like a total loser." "Yeah, well... your boyfriend ditched you and you still came all by yourself." " So who's the real loser?" " Are you hungry?" "I can't believe you ordered deep-fried pickles." "Pickles are disgusting." "Pickling is, like, embalming, basically." "A pickle jar is, like, a tomb for cucumbers." "I violated a tremendous amount of corpses in medical school so I know that pickling is not the same as embalming." " You're a doctor?" " Er... no, med-school drop-out." "All right." "The whole premise of deep-frying is it makes everything taste better." "I don't like deep-fried food." " What, you don't like French fries?" " Blergh." " Onion rings?" "Fried chicken?" " Nope." " Fish and chips?" " Gross." "Funnel cakes?" "Doughnuts?" "Deep-fried banana sandwiches?" " No, but Elvis ate those." " And something called Fool's Gold." " What is that?" " I don't know exactly." "But I read on the internet that Elvis died with 40 lb of undigested faeces still in his intestine." "Thank you so much for telling me that in the middle of dinner." "You're welcome." "Maybe the next time I take a bite you can say diarrhoea." "Diarrhoea." "Is that something you learn in medical school?" " Yeah." "In fact they go through the..." " All the famous people?" "All the famous people and how much faeces were left in them at the time of their death." " Marie Antoinette?" " Tons." "In fact, they had to guillotine her intestine as well as her head." "Yeah." "They just, like, moved the body further along through the machine." "Who do you think weighs the faeces?" "I think as the King it would have been a job that people fought for." "Mm-hmm." "Well, if I can't dress him, if I can't make him look pretty for the open casket, can I at least touch his poop?" "Do you think he kept a little bit?" "I'm sure he did, in a matchbox or something, yeah." "Or like one of those little vials and you can wear it around your neck." "Oh, yeah." "He had, like, a little shit locket." "Yeah, yes." "So, like, I've been with Ben for five years." "And, like..." "I totally get that guys don't wanna hang out with the girl with the boyfriend." "But it just sucks, you know?" "It just makes you feel like the only thing that's interesting about you is how you look with your clothes off." "I mean, it should be easier to make friends if you have a boyfriend" " because there's no confusion." " Er..." "So is that it?" "That's your big pitch to be my friend?" " Er..." " That was terrible." "Yeah, I know, I know." "It's just..." "I practised in the mirror and... (Sighs)" " Anyway..." " Friends?" " Yeah, why not?" "Friends." " All right." "Is this always how you make friends?" "Like it's a business deal?" "Yeah, actually." "It's just my style." "All right, it's quite unnerving but it's good." ""What's shakin', hotpants?"" "You can't write, "What's shakin', hotpants?"." "Have you seen anyone wearing hotpants in the last five years?" "That homeless man who shouts at people at the pool." "(Ping)" "(Wallace) So I found this website where they explain what Fool's Gold is." "'You take a loaf of Italian white bread." "'You coat it in butter and bake it.'" "(Oven pings)" "(Wallace) 'Then, you hollow out the inside... 'and coat it with an entire jar of peanut butter 'and an entire jar of jam." "'Then, you stuff it with a pound of crispy bacon." "'The website said it serves eight to ten people or one Elvis.'" "You know, a jar of peanut butter has, like, 6,000 calories in it." "And bacon is not even a food." "Technically, it's just pure fat." "Champion beefcake at Hotmail dot com." "Re:" "Just pure fat." "I can't confirm how much faeces were in Elvis's colon when he died, but I did find out how he discovered Fool's Gold." "They get on the jet, a private jet, fly to Denver, get to Denver, order Fool's Gold sandwiches to be delivered to the plane, eat them, fly back to Graceland without ever getting off the plane." "WOW!" "And the best pan is..." "February 1st, 1976." "The day my parents got married." " Oh, no!" "Wallace!" " Come on!" "(Chantry) Coming!" "(Wallace) Mail storm!" "(# PATRICK WATSON: "Into Giants")" "# Into giants" "# You can't stop us" "# From living out our lives" "# As we turned into a crowd of smiles" "# Jumping over all the bad times" "# It's easy when I'm holding your hand... #" "(Sighs)" "(Click)" "If it starts dirty, it ends dirty." "A relationship that starts with a break-up is doomed to end with a break-up." " Remember who said that?" " Me." "You, after Vicky Cardero gave me a blow-job at her boyfriend's keg-party" " and I wanted to ask her out on a date." " And I recall you ignored that advice." "What was the result?" "It ended dirty, gonorrhoea and a fist fight dirty." "But this is not gonorrhoea and a fist fight." "I'm not trying to break them up." "I just..." "I'm happy just being friends with her." "Is this a good housewarming gift for Nicole?" "Why are you buying her a housewarming gift?" "She's moving into your house." "Well, girls are weird about this son of stuff and I'd rather overcompensate." "How much for the flying moose?" "This dinner is a terrible idea." "Normally, I wouldn't care about you tumbling into some mess with a girl and her boyfriend." "I'd even rejoice at the statistically tiny but mathematically possible chance of a threesome." "But this is my cousin." "I accidentally saw her labia one time." "Immediately, explosive diarrhoea." "Oh, but you are misreading this whole situation because you can't interact with a woman without sex screwing it up." "But I can because I'm a grown up." "It's so adorable that you really believe that." "More importantly, if this was your bedside lamp, do you think the warm glow would make you feel more sexually experimental?" " Absolutely." " What do you think?" "I've got the same one at home." "(Dalia) It's like the worst thing that's ever happened in all of human history." "Was it even worse than when that meteor hit the Earth and killed all the dinosaurs?" "Yes, my break-up is definitely worse than a stupid meteor." "I just can't believe that Rob cheated on you." " With a grad student." " No, I know..." "Her thesis is probably on how to be a rat-faced whore." " And I really liked him." "I'm so sorry." " I liked him so much," "I don't even wanna sleep with all of his friends to get back at him." "I mean, I will but I'm not gonna enjoy it." "Do you think there might be a slightly less skanky option for rebounding?" " No." "This is something you have to do." " (Knock on door)" "I'm just gonna go cos I don't wanna wreck your dinner party." "No, no, it's not a dinner party." "It's just, like, my friend, Wallace." "Stay." "This Wallace guy could be a good rebound for you." "OK." "Please go easy on him." "He's delicate." " Hi!" " (Wallace) Hi." "Hey." " Thank you." " I brought booze." " That's so nice." " You're welcome." " You can take your coat off." " I will." "Thank you very much." " Wow, this place is just like I imagined." " Really?" "Well, I mean..." "Yeah, I pictured more potpourri and doilies and stuffed animals and things..." "Yeah, I put all that stuff away." "I know that it weirds you out." "Ben, Wallace is here." " Hi." " Hey, Wallace." "How are you?" "Hi." "Oh!" "Sorry." " No, no worries." " Let me dry off my hands." " Take your time." " Thanks for coming by." "No, nice to meet you, man." "Thank you." "_ Hey, everybody." " Hey." "Oh, er..." "Wallace, this is my sister, Dalia." " Nice to meet you." " It's so nice to meet you." " Hi." " Hello." " You smell really good." " Really?" "Yeah, or I don't know, maybe it just smells really bad in here." "No, he smells great." "But it is getting kind of oniony in here." " Can someone open the window?" " Yeah." "I'll..." "I'll get it." "(Chantry) Right over there." "So, Wallace, I'd like to get your opinion on something." " Er... yeah." " Europe." "The... the... the continent?" "_ See?" "' (Ben) Is it?" " Is it?" " (Chantry) Yes, it is a continent." " (Ben) Is it really a continent?" " It is a continent." "He is from that continent." "He should know." "OK, look at a map, any map." "Europe's not a separate continent." " It's clearly pan of Asia." " Right... but wait." "So, if Europe isn't a continent, then why is it a continent?" "Because Europeans were the ones who decided what the continents are and they didn't want to get lumped in with all the, er... you know, Asians." "Now, wait!" "Hold on, you work for the UN, don't you?" " So, what do they say about it?" " Before I answer that question you need to understand the UN is not an organisation" " designed to challenge conventional wisdom." " OK, so it is a continent." "Yeah, well, people knew the world was flat for a lot longer than they knew it was round." "Ben is trying to change the world from the inside out." " From within." " (Wallace) All right." "OK, Eurasia." "That's what they should call it." " Europe plus Asia." "Eurasia." " (Wallace) OK." "Who wants more wine?" "(Ben) Yes, please." "(Chantry) I do, please." "Here's my glass." "And so, er..." "Ben, what is it exactly that you do at the UN?" "I'm part of an international consortium of lawyers with a UN mandate" " to negotiate global copyright standards." " Wow!" "But more importantly, are you trying to sleep with my girlfriend?" "(Girls chat)" "Oh, don't worry." "We're just talking "guy", OK?" "They think we're still talking about international copyright law." "OK." "Now, look, I've no problem with the concept of Chantry having guy friends but if you're trying to split us up" " so you can move in..." " No, God, I wouldn't do that." "I just want to be friends with her, and with you." "Friends is fine, OK?" "I can do friends." "But you'd better not try and put your penis in her vagina, OK?" "OK." "Every country has different laws, so it's a logistical nightmare." "But I think it's important work." "You know, I think it's worth it." "Yeah, that... that is impressive, very impressive." "Aargh!" "Aargh!" " (Screams)" " Oh, shit!" " Are you all right?" " Oh, my God!" "My eye!" " What is it?" " Jesus..." "He's just rubbed his eye." "God!" "My eye, it's really burning." " Did you cut the jalapefio?" " Yeah, I did." " Oh, my..." " Oh, God!" "Ow!" "Ow!" "Ow!" "OK!" "Er..." "Wallace, medical school." "What do we do?" "OK... well, do you have saline solutions?" "Do you have... do you use contacts?" " Yes." "Ben wears contacts." " (Ben) I do." "It's in the bathroom." " (Wallace) OK." "Where?" " The bathroom!" "Through that door." " Oh, God, that's painful." " OK, what can I do, honey?" "(Ben) God!" "That burns so badly!" "It's on that rag and it's in the other eye now!" "(Chantry) I'm sorry!" " Over there!" " (Retching)" "(Chantry) Oh, my God!" "Ben?" "Ben!" "(Wallace) Oh, shit!" "_ Oh' my God!" "_ Ben?" "'" " Are you OK?" " (Ben groans)" "(Chantry) OK, don't move!" "Ben!" " Do something!" " Call 911!" "I am!" "Oh... (Chantry) Oh, no!" "OK, stay right there!" "Don't move!" "(Ben groans)" "(Wallace) I'm sorry!" "You look fine." "(Ben) Ow!" "It hurts me!" "It hurts me!" " Just be still." " What if I'm paralysed?" "You're not paralysed." "I'm just gonna give you something for the pain here to help you relax." "OK, what if I relax too much?" "What if I lose control of my bodily function?" "What if I shit myself?" "You know, that actually happens more than you think." "It's the worst pan of my job." "It's super gross." "Here we go." "(Ben groans)" " (Paramedic) And that'll do." " OK, just lie still." "Ssh..." " Should you really be eating?" " Stress makes me hungry." "That's why I could never be a fighter pilot." "I'd weigh, like, 500 lb." "I wouldn't even be able to fit in the cockpit." " (Hums "Silent Night")" " Ssh." "(All join in the humming)" "So, what's the prognosis, doc?" "He'll need the cast for a few more weeks, but, er... the neck brace is a precaution." "And he'll probably be out in the morning." "Well, Chantry, if you're gonna spend the night, I can wait here with Ben." "You guys get something to eat." "(Chantry) What are you getting?" "Tuna salad?" "Yeah." " I hate hospitals." " Mmm... me too." "I spent a lot of time in hospitals as a child." "Because of all your deformities?" " No, my parents met as surgical interns." " Right." "He does cardiology, she does oﬂhopaedics." "He actually proposed to her on the roof of Charing Cross Hospital in London." " That's romantic." " Yeah, until the affairs." "She cheated on him, he cheated on her." "It was just a mess." " How old were you when they got divorced?" " Er... seven, I think." "Oh, er... you don't know how to telepoﬂ, do you?" " No." " OK, well then, I just want to apologise for the horribly awkward situation you're about to witness." "Hi." "Er... sorry, Chantry." "This is Megan, my, er..." " Well, my nothing in paﬂicular." " Nice to meet you." "Wallace, what are you doing here?" "Are you sick?" "Oh, er..." "Chantry's boyfriend fell out of a window." "But he's... he's OK." " Do you want me to look in on him?" " No, that won't be necessary." "I'm gonna go." "We only get 15 minutes to eat lunch." "Don't get the bagel with smoked salmon or the tuna salad or really anything with seafood in it." "The company that stocks the vending machine has failed four health inspections but the manager's brother works for the mayor's office." "I'm sorry." "I've been on shift for 18 hours and I'm really tired and I had so much coffee and when I saw her," "I thought maybe that was your new girlfriend and that made me wanna cry." "It's weird that I'm saying this out loud, right?" "You are and it is." "I just want us to be friends." "Not today but someday." "Whatever he said about me, it wasn't a black and white situation." "He hasn't said anything about you." "He's never even mentioned you." "Er..." "OK, it was nice to meet you." " I hope your boyfriend feels better." " Thank you." " That was my ex-girlfriend." " Yeah." "Dude, you're really finger-banging me over this new manual." " Is finger-banging good or bad?" " Do you enjoy being finger-banged?" "No, I've never been finger-banged." " Take a guess." " Probably not." "Definitely not." "Nobody wants to get finger-banged." "All those girls you finger-banged in high school, they didn't like it." "They just wouldn't have sex with me, er... you." "Us... men." "Men." " I'm off topic." " God, I hope so." "Er... yeah, manual." "Er... it needs a lot of work, so I'll give you another week, er... month." "An extra month." "So make it, er... make it right." "(Sighs)" "(Chantry) Hang on a second." "Seriously, Josh." "This is where we're doing it?" "With the wood?" "Cos I think it might be cleaner someplace else." " You're blocking the shot, so..." " Oh, sorry." " Keep going, Josh!" " Douche." "It is total bullshit that Josh got the project manager job over you." "Everyone knows the whole thing is your design and now Josh is acting like it's all his." " It's, like, sexism or something." " Our boss is a woman." "Oh, I am so pissed that I gave Josh a hand-job after the Christmas party." "In your defence, it is kind of your annual tradition to give one of our co-workers a handsy for Christmas." "Ssh!" "Listen, guys, Holly offered me the promotion first." "I turned it down." "(Both) What?" "Why?" " Because I like being an animator." " (Both scoff)" "I do, and a project manager has to deal with so much more hassle and paperwork and meetings." "And Josh is gonna end up stuck in Taiwan half the year." "Uh-huh, and the extra power and money and travel is really gonna suck for him." "Stop!" "She doesn't want the hassle, OK?" "She's got a great job, a great boyfriend, great friends like me... kind of you." "She's happy just the way things are, right?" "Right." " Servings per pack, about 107." " Oh, about?" " About." " Oh, OK." "Just in case you wanna eat all of it in one sitting." "That is not a good idea." "Please don't." "Please don't eat it all." "I want to know where the weird shit is." "Like, where are the animal pans that you think are trash but are actually..." "Chantry?" "I've been waiting for the right moment to, er... talk to you about this, but I think maybe it's better just to stop building it up and just say it." " OK..." "ls everything OK?" " Oh, no." "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "Of course, yeah." "Er..." "OK, so we've been together five years and it feels like our relationship is built to last, no matter what the future holds." "I've been asked to take charge of the European negotiation." "It's a six-month contract, er... but the thing is, the team is based in Ireland, so I would have to live in Dublin, although I'd have to travel round the whole, er... continent." "You mean the subcontinent, but that's OK." "Right." "Look, this is important to me, but there is nothing more important than you, so if you feel like, er..." "the long-distance thing is too much," " I'll turn it down." " This is a huge opportunity for you, right?" "Lead negotiator!" "(Ben) I love you." "(Chantry) I love you." "(Shouts)" "Dude, I'm not saying you can't eat it." "I'm saying you'd get horribly sick." "But it wouldn't kill you." "You can eat your own poop." "But if you eat the poop that you poop out after eating the first poop, it's so toxic you'll die." "So you can eat your poop once but not twice." " (Shouts) - (Nicole) Excuse me." "OK, where did you get beer at a children's karate tournament?" "(Mimics Wallace) Where did you get beer at a children's karate tournament?" "So, Wallace, we should get to know each other better, talk about the complex issues of our time:" "gay marriage, abortion." "Can men and women really be friends or do you secretly wanna bang Chantry?" " Thank you." "She has a boyfriend." " Yeah, who you threw out a window." " By accident!" " Dude, listen." "Ben is moving to Dublin and your whole "if it starts dirty, it ends dirty" thing is bullshit anyways." "The night I met Allan," "I was so into him it wasn't till I woke up in his bed the next morning that I even remembered I already had a boyfriend." "Love is dirty, baby." "Sometimes it's downright filthy." " Like eating your own poop." " Like eating my poop?" "Christ." "Hey." "I need to wear something to this company dinner with our production partners from Taiwan." " What do you think?" " I think that's quite a dress." "(Whispers) Do you think it's, like, a little too slutty for me?" "No, nothing is too slutty for you." " Can I help you?" " Er... yeah, actually." "Er..." "I would like to try on that dress." "We only have the one left and it's a size two." "Are you a two?" "Yes." " I'm gonna get the measuring tape." " I'm a two." "(G roans)" "(Sighs)" "(G roans)" "(Ripping)" "(Ripping)" "(squeals)" "(Whispers) Wallace?" "Wallace!" " Yes?" " Er... are you alone?" " Like, in the universe?" " No!" "In the hallway!" " Er... yes." " OK, er..." " Do you need me to get someone?" " No, no!" "Don't get anyone." "I need you to come in here." "What?" "I'm kinda stuck, so I need you to crawl under, but keep your eyes closed." "Really?" "Er..." "I am in a state of undress!" "You need to close your eyes and keep them closed." "Do you promise to close your eyes and keep them closed?" " Yes, I promise." " Hurry!" "(Sighs)" "Ow!" "What?" "Did you open your eyes?" "No, I just banged my head cos my eyes are closed." "OK, so, here's what happened." "I tried it on and I think it got hooked on my bra or something and now I can't get it off." " Right." " You're not gonna laugh, are you?" " I can't even see what's going on." " OK." "OK, er..." " Are your eyes closed?" " Yes." "I think you need to move a bit." "There, yeah." "(Wallace breathes deeply)" " (Chantry squeals)" " All right?" "Are you all right?" "No, it's stuck, it's stuck." "OK, OK." "Tell you what, turn around, turn to me." "Yeah, OK." " Thank you." " It's OK." "Shall I hold that?" "Here, hold this." "And keep your eyes closed." "Oh, I love you so much I wanna just rip off your arms and legs and carry you around in my purse all day." "And I love you so much I wanna grind up your muscles and organs and bones and spread you on toast." "Oh, I love you so much, I wanna just cut you open and scoop all your insides and wear your skin around town like an Allan-suit." " OK." "Bye, Wallace." " Bye, Nicole." " (Nicole) Ciao!" " (Oven pings)" "Can I talk to you about something?" "I just had sex." "I'm about to eat nachos." "It's the greatest moment of my life." "Unless you screw it up with whatever it is you're about to say." " It's about your cousin..." " She's my cousin." "It's like incest." " Well, she's not my cousin." " Yeah, but you're like my brother so it's like my brother asking my advice on how to incestuously bang my cousin." "No, I'm not..." "She... well, she has a boyfriend." "Yeah..." "He's been coming over for Thanksgiving and Christmas for the past five years." "OK, let me break it down for you." "This perfect nacho chip is Ben." "He works at the United Nations as an expert in international copyright law." "This mouldy banana is you." "I have no idea what you do, because every time you tell me, I fall asleep." "You know I write user manuals for dedicated purchasing software..." " (Snores)" " OK, like copyright law is so exciting!" "At least he's an expert in something." "What are you an expert in?" "Nothing." ""There are no people anywhere in the world seeking my advice on any subject."" "Ben's been dating Chantry for five years." "They live together." "They own furniture, they have a cat." "You have nothing, you don't even have a plant." "You've been single since that douche-bag Megan broke your fragile little heart." "OK, OK..." "I broke up with Megan, all right?" "She wanted to stay together and work it out." "I said no, so I dumped her." "Of course you did." "Anyway, I get n. n: fine." "She's in a relationship." "Nothing's gonna happen." "You totally killed my sex-nacho high." "So..." "Wallet..." "Passport, phone, keys, wallet, and yes... this." "It's an open ticket to Dublin." "It's a five-hour flight." "It's already paid for so use it whenever you want." "Even if it's just for a weekend, even if it's just for a day." "Even if it's just for a kiss." " OK?" " Mm-hmm." "(Horn)" "Uh-uh." "No, baby, I gotta go." "The cab's here." "I'm so sorry." "I can't miss my flight." "OK, I'm so late." "OK?" "OK, baby?" "Good bye." " Love you." " Love you too." "Bye." "(# PATRICK WATSON: "Black Wind")" "# Don't try too hard" "# To catch the winds" "# Where they are going... (Cab drives off)" "# Where they have been" "# Don't try to outrun... (Beep)" "(Ben) 'Hey, it's me." "Sorry I missed your call." "I'm in Berlin.'" "'Hey, it's me." "I'm in Munich.'" "'Hey, I'm in Prague.' 'l'm in Amsterdam.' 'Hey, I'm in Florence.'" "'Hey, honey." "I'm in Vienna now.' 'l got your message." "Cell reception in Athens is a mess." "'Did you get my postcard?" "'" "(Chantry) 'Hey!" "It's me." "Why don't you call me right before you go to bed?" "'Even if it's a weird time here, I just wanna hear your voice.'" "# Without" "# The ones we love?" "# All alone #" "(Ben) 'So I finally got my cast off, and my arm's all smelly and shrivelled." "'If I felt you up, it'd be like you were cheating on me with my evil twin.'" "Please tell me more about how you want to molest me with your creepy, rancid freak arm." "You'd love Dublin, though." "They've got us all staying in the same apartment building, so the whole office is basically living together." "But I've already made some good friends." "It's nice but I just..." "You know, I miss you so much." "Yeah, I know." "I really miss you too." "Look, I gotta go, OK?" "I love you." " OK." " 'See ya.'" " OK." " 'All right, speak tonight.'" " All right, I'll talk to you then." " 'Bye-bye.'" "Bye ." " Sorry." " No worries." "Black for you, milk for me." "Cheers." " On!" "_ Yep." "So, is Ben settling in OK?" "Yeah, he's great." "He's doing great and he's having a great time." "Are you having a great time?" "Not really." "I'm having kind of a crappy time, actually." ". SorfV- _ yep" "This, right now, this is the high point of my social calendar." " Oh!" "See, that is sad." " I know." "I've been thinking about just starting drinking." " Yeah." " Yeah." " Heavily?" " Heavily." "Do you need someone to start drinking with you?" " I'm very... very willing." " Really?" "Do you wanna help me drown my sorrows?" " Of course." "Absolutely." " Done!" "(# PETE TONG:" ""H.OS.H. Woohoo ft." "OST  KJEX")" "(Wallace) Bottoms up!" " Ohh!" "Oh, my God!" " Ohh!" "Horrible." " Horrible and cheap!" " As always!" "All right, prospective person at this bar for you!" "I don't think anyone I'd actually like would ever come to a place like this." " You're here, Wallace!" " Yeah, because you dragged me here." "So?" "Look at this girl!" "She's so pretty!" "Oh?" "Er... yeah." " Yeah!" "No, she's super-pretty." " Er..." "OK." "You want me to go tell her that you have six nipples?" "Yeah..." "No, you know what?" "I'll do it myself." "It will be easier coming from me." " Thank you." " (Barman) You're welcome." " Hi." " Hi." "Oh, wow!" "You've got amazing teeth." "Er... sorry." "Can I buy this drink for you?" "Er... yeah, that's so sweet." "Thank you." "You're welcome, er..." "So..." "Burn!" "All right." "Weirdest place you've ever had sex?" "Er... bakery, night shift." "(Wallace) 'l will never be comfoﬂable eating a cupcake again.'" "What about you?" "Er..." "Ferris wheel." "'Trapped at the very top." "We could see for miles around." "'But no one could see us.'" " Ah!" "' Yes!" "Oh, yeah!" "Thank you for being so gracious in victory." " Woo!" "Uh-huh!" " Hand clasp of champions." "Rub it in." "(# "H.OS.H. Woohoo ft." "OST  KJEX" continues)" "So, how many serious relationships have you actually had?" "Four!" "Two in high school, one in college before Ben and then Ben." "_ You?" "' Six?" "One in high school, one the summer after high school, three in college and one since." "No, sorry, two since." "So... seven." " Are you usually a dumper or a dumpee?" " Er..." "Statistically, I'm a dumper, but it's not like I've never been dumped." "I've just been really good at knowing when to get out." "You?" "No, I've never dumped anyone." "I always try to make it work." "You know, I haven't hit the bar scene in, like, a very long time." "I thought it was going to be the worst thing ever, but that was surprisingly painless." "I'm just sorry you didn't find true love tonight." "Nah, well, you can't have it all." "And what's the worst thing that's ever happened to you?" "Er... the worst thing that's ever happened to me is kind of the best thing that's ever happened to me." "'Megan, who you met the other day." "'I burst in on her making out with our, frankly, gross anatomy professor." "'And I was like... "Wow!" ""'We actually are my parents." ""'We are almost both doctors and we're already cheating on each other."" "So I got out of there and yeah..." "So, in a way, that became the best thing that ever happened to me." "So, what is the worst thing that ever happened to you?" "My Mum died when I was in junior high." "Er... she had breast cancer." "You don't realise how quickly everything can fall apart until it does." "It makes you never want to give up anything good ever again." "Can I change my answer?" "Because the worst thing that ever happened to me is saying my lame relationship drama is the worst thing that ever happened to me when something really awful happened to you." "It's OK." "I like your answer." "Plus I get to be pan of the worst pan of your life now." "That's really good." "And for future reference, when the answer is your mum died of cancer, you should really go first." "All right." "Thanks for the etiquette lesson." "No worries." "Good night, Wallace." "Good night, Chantry." "(Chantry) You know, he has all these new experiences, he's meeting all these new people." "And then he's like," ""What's going on with you?" And it's like..." ""Well, I'm in the middle of my same old life" ""except, whoops, my boyfriend is out of the country."" "(Dalia) Oh!" "So, Dalia was telling us about this Wallace guy?" "We're friends." "No, I know." "Obviously, you guys are friends." "But is he cute?" "Should you maybe be introducing him to your single, slightly desperate friends, like me?" " No, I already called dibs on him." " Why?" "Because he was supposed to be my rebound after Rob." "I think that's why it didn't work out with Noel." "I needed a buffer between Rob and Noel." " A buffer made of sex." " (Gretchen) You little prostitute!" " Dalia, you barely know him." " Well, you know him." "You hang out with him all the time, so he's not a loser." "I mean, he hasn't made some creepy move on you, so we know he's not a creep." " He's vetted." " (Tabby) Well, is he funny?" "Or smaﬂ?" "He's definitely smart He's not funny." "He's kind of like bantery." "He's kind of like a male version of Chantry." " Wait, so he's Mantry?" " (Tabby) Oh, no!" "(Dalia) Yes, he is." "(Gretchen and Tabby) He is a Mantry!" "(Tabby) Dalia wants to have rebound sex with her sister's man-twin." "(Allan) Option one: make a move on her." "Bold, direct." "If you're lucky, you hook up." "She feels guilty, breaks up with Ben." "If you're unlucky, she's furious, ends the friendship." " So be sleazy?" " Yeah." " And you think that'll work?" " No." "I think even if she goes for it, she'll resent you for getting her to cheat on Ben." "She'll break up with him, but she won't go outwith you because you're..." " Sleazy." " Yeah." "Option two:" "be the guy she goes to for advice." "The down-side is you have to listen to her talk about Ben all the time." "The up-side is, you can slant your advice to slowly turn her against him." " So be conniving?" " Yeah." "And that'll work?" "Maybe, but maybe she'll see through it and think you're..." " Conniving?" " Yeah." "Option three: patiently wait it out." "Eventually, either the distance gets to them and they break up or it doesn't and they get married, live a happy life, with you always on the outside looking in, quietly pining, indefinitely." " So be pathetic?" " Yeah." "That sounds fun." "Well, it's got the advantage of not being paﬂicularly unethical, but it's got the disadvantage of being, you know..." " Pathetic." " Yeah." "So your advice is be sleazy, conniving or pathetic?" "Well, when you put it that way, it doesn't sound like very good advice." "Ooh..." "Oh, my God!" "Do you like it?" "Er... well, it's not my engagement ring." "It's whether she'll like it." "I think she'll love it." "Then you're made for each other." "Why did you get all snaky when we were talking about Wallace earlier?" "L" "Come on." "Look, you're just like..." "You don't have the greatest track record with guys, that's all." "You think I'm gonna break his heart and mess up your friendship?" "No..." "So you think I'm not good enough for him?" "Obviously not." "That's obviously not what it is." "OK, well, some of us aren't as lucky as you and Ben." "Some of us just want a guy that doesn't make us feel like crap all the time." " There is a fourth option." " Yeah?" "Be honest, tell her how you feel." "It might ruin the friendship, but at least you stood up like a man and expressed your feelings." "Wait, I'm sorry..." "Since when does being a man involve expressing your feelings?" "I mean, did I miss a memo?" "Because if I recall, being a man meant hiding your feelings forever." "Like Bruce Willis." "You never see Bruce Willis expressing his feelings." "The most you ever get out of Bruce is a hint of melancholy at the edge of a smirk." "And do you think Bruce Willis would be happyjust being friends?" "100% honesty is the foundation of any relationship." " Whoa!" "You are 100% honest with Nicole?" " Yes." " About everything?" " Yep!" "What, New Orleans 2006?" "What was her name, er..." "Favia?" "Yeah, she did look like a woman to be fair." "99% honesty is the foundation of any relationship." "No, it's not worth the risk, not if it means losing her as a friend." " Well, so then it's option five." " What's that?" "You move on." "Hello." " Oh, hi." " Hi." "Hello, welcome." "Welcome to our engagement party." "We are so happy to have everybody we care about together in one space." "Here's the thing." "We both really wanna get married, but..." "But we hate weddings cos every wedding I've ever been to has completely sucked." "Sorry, er..." "Aunt Cathy, Uncle Drew and Olivia." "And we don't like long engagements, so we are getting married here, tonight." "Zella is our registered civil officiate." "(Nicole) Oh, and, er..." "Mum, I got your wedding dress altered." "I hope that's OK." "Becky's gonna be Nicole's maid of honour." " Wallace!" " Here!" "Is gonna be my best man." "Thank you very much." "Everyone, stay away from my Uncle Herman!" "Woo-hoo!" "OK." "I don't need you finger-combing my wisps." "I'm serious." " (Knock on door) - (Wallace) Nicole?" " I've been sent to get an ETA." " Oh, is that Wallace?" " Yes." " Just come in." " Oh, wow!" "You look amazing." " Yes." "Becky, seriously!" "If I don't get, er... some alcohol, I'm gonna have a panic attack." " All right, I'll go." " No, no, no!" "You stay." "Becky's more nervous than I am and frankly, it's wigging me out." "Now, go." "You, stay, talk to me." "" So?" "" So?" " So?" " What?" "Why are you torturing yourself over what could be a ten-second conversation with Chantry that would answer everything?" "Nicole, please, it's your wedding day." "Can we talk about you?" "Exactly!" "It's my wedding day." "As best man, it's your job to keep me calm so that I don't crawl out that window and go and bang a sailor." " Where are you even gonna find a sailor?" " At the dock." "God!" "What's the best-case scenario?" ""Wallace, I love you." "Let's have sex forever until we die having sex."" " That is the best-case scenario." " OK, and what's the worst-case scenario?" ""Wallace, you shit-drizzling liar, I thought we were friends" ""but this whole time you've just been trying to put your junk inside my trunk."" "Anything involving the phrase "put your junk inside my trunk"" "actually would be the worst-case scenario." "Look, the one thing I like about getting married is that you get to stand up in front of everyone you care about and state, for the record, that you believe in the best-case scenario." "It terrifies me." "But that's why the outfits are so nice." " (Door opens)" " OK." "(Sighs)" " Thanks." " Cheers." "(# Wedding march)" "WOW!" "(Allan) I got her." "She's mine, my wife." "(Nicole) Dad!" "(Allan) Mummy!" " I can't believe no one stopped that." " Me neither." "(Sniffles)" "And I learnt a lot of lessons that night about gambling addictions and identity theft and the Romanian legal system, but the most important lesson I learnt was from Nicole and it was about friendship." "I love you, Nicole." " (Drops microphone)" " Oh, so much fun!" " Yay!" " Yay!" "She didn't even practise!" "(Dalia) Woo!" "Go, Wallace!" "(Chantry) Go, Wallace!" "(Wallace) Thank you, thank you." "(Dalia) Woo-hoo!" "To those of us who begrudgingly call Allan a friend, it seems impossible that any woman could handle him for an hour, let alone a lifetime." "And then you meet Nicole." "And that is the good news here." "If these two can find each other, then there truly is somebody for everyone." "The bad news is that one day they will procreate and their hideous offspring will obviously cause the apocalypse." "But tonight we celebrate the good news." "I remember the night Allan and Nicole met and that instant connection." "You know, if you're lucky, it happens once in a lifetime." "And if you're unlucky, then you have to come to weddings and hear people like me talking about it and assume that we are all hopeless romantics." "It's very easy to be cynical about love but this tonight, this is hard." "Soto Allan and Nicole for making the hard way look easy." "(All) Cheers!" "(Wallace) Cheers." "Right, thanks, everyone." "Yep, that's it." "(# MARSHA HUNT:" ""Oh, No!" "Not The Beast Day")" "(indistinct chatter)" "Are you sure?" "It's... it's so near here for me." "Well, yeah." "No, I'm all about the door-to-door service." "OK." " Can you let me out?" " Sure." "(Wallace) Er... oh, gosh, German cars." "Good night." " Wallace, you clean up nice." " Yes, so do you." " OK." " Good night." "(Chantry) Bye!" "(Both) Bye." "Great, thank you very much." "Listen, I don't think it's a good idea for me to come inside with you." "What?" "Don't get all mad, cos, I mean, if you're gonna get mad," "I guess we could make out for a couple of minutes but we are not having sex." "Er... no, er..." "I'm not sure that's a good idea." "Why?" "Because I won't have sex with you?" "That's really nice, Wallace." " Er... no, that's not what I meant." " I know, just kidding." "Oh, right..." "What pan are you kidding about?" "All of it." "Chantry always talks about how funny you are, but you're not that funny, no of fence." "You are pretty cute though." "Like, I would make out with you." "I'm very confused by this conversation." "Fine." "Let's go inside." " Dude, my sister." "Sweet score." " Er... no, this isn't what it looks like." "Look, OK..." "Yeah, it is." "It is what it looks like." "She's super-hot." "Plus she's, like, 99% genetically identical to me, so..." "Anyway, have fun making out with my sister." "Er... actually, just FYI, if you do go through with this you're can be pretty much absolutely positive" "I will never, ever, ever, ever have sex with you, ever!" "Ban]!" "(Chantry) 'Ever, ever, ever!" "'" "Er..." "I'm sorry." "Sorry, I..." "Look, I think..." "I think you're great, but, er..." "I can't do this." "Great?" "You think I'm great?" "I don't..." "I don't throw myself at guys, like, ever." "I just made an exception for you cos I thought you were cute." "And you think I'm great?" " Great?" " Er..." " Get the fuck out!" " Sorry." " Er..." " God!" "Get your..." " Get out faster!" " OK, I'm going, I'm going!" "I can't believe I got a Brazilian for this shit!" "Good bye!" "(Wallace) Jesus!" "(Ringing tone)" " (Ben) 'Hello?" "'" " Whispers) Ben!" "Hi!" " 'Hi." "Er... are you OK?" "'" " Hi..." "'It's like the middle of the night there.'" "I'm really good." "I'm really just a little bit drunk." " 'OK, but...'" " I am wearing such a fancy, fancy dress." " 'Oh, I see.'" " Er... hang on a second, hang on a second." " Listen very closely, OK?" " 'Mm-hmm, okey-dokey.'" "Really closely." "'But...'" " Did you hear that?" " 'Mm-hmm, I can, but...'" "That's the sound of me unzipping my very, very fancy dress." "'Well, that's good news.'" "I happen to be wearing really cute panties under." "'You are?" "'" "And also, like, a bra that totally, totally matches." "'Chantry...'" "Can you picture me in them?" "(Whispers) Hey!" "Can you picture me out of them?" "I-I-I definitely can." "The thing is, I'm just in the, er..." "middle of the Brazilian presentation now." "That's not to say I, er... don't fully support the concept." "It sounds... sounds very interesting." "And, er..." "I would love to continue discussing it at a later time." "OK." "I'll..." "Bye." "(Hangs UP)" "Sir." "Please carry on." " It's good?" " Oh, yeah." "(Dalia) You never asked me what happened with Wallace the other night." "(Chantry) I'm respecting your privacy." "He's a big, stupid, fat jerk." "I hate him." "OK." "He propositioned me." "He said, like, dirty, disgusting things he wanted to do to me." "Me, your little sister." "That's so terrible." "I know, and so I told him I'm not that kind of girl and he just flew into a rage and he attacked me." "He tried to break all my fingers and poke my eyeballs out so the cops had to come and pull him off me." " The cops came?" " Yeah!" "And then he just shot them all in the face and they all died." "And some of them had little kids and they'll never know their father." "And he didn't even care." "He was just laughing and shooting them all and he had a huge boner." "And then he said he was gonna come to your house and kill you, while you were sleeping." "Yeah, that sounds exactly like Wallace." " Have you talked to him lately?" " No." "So he didn't say anything about me completely humiliating myself in front of him?" "No." "He's a big, stupid, ugly jerk and you shouldn't be friends with him anymore." "OK." "Look how pregnant I can make myself look." "You wanna feel my baby?" "It's so hard." " Oh, my God, it kicked!" " Shut up." "I'm gonna make you raise it." "(Holly) I'm firing Josh." "The Taiwan team hates him, nobody listens to him." "On the plus side, I hear he's banging enough Taiwanese girls to qualify for the douche-bag Olympics." " So there's a silver lining." " That's, er... unfortunate." "I need someone full-time in Taiwan to clean up Josh's mess." "I want it to be you." "I mean, this whole thing is your concept." "If we had had you as project manager from the start we'd have saved a lot of time and money." "Holly, honestly, I just..." "I don't even know if I would enjoy being the project manager, so..." "You get an apartment, car, language lessons, obviously a raise." "I need your answer by the end of the month." "And to be clear, this is the last time I offer you a promotion." "OK, I got it." "Holly, er..." "I'm gonna think about it, I promise." "(Sighs)" "So I was reading this thing about how, er... when they were trying to name Cool Whip, they came up with 10,000 ideas." "Like, they brainstormed 10,000 ideas." "And none of them were as good as Cool Whip?" "No, Cool Whip was the best." "That's what they said." "And they said, just try to think of ten of your own just to see, like, er... how hard it is." " Cool Puff." " Puffy Whip." " Creamy Dream." " Zit Topping." " Angel Puff." " Angel Gas." " Angel Cup." " Angel Tear Gas." " Ang..." " Bruce Springs cream and the E-Foam Band." " Puffin' Lovin'." " Dump That Puff On My Face." " Whip-Master Cool and the Puff Brigade." " Fizz Blizzard." " Semen Salvation." " (Nicole) Non-Hodgkin's Cream-Foam-a." " Shove this Shit on Food." " Whip, whippy..." "Whippy Pippitins." "(All laugh)" " So, how many is that?" " I don't know." " Yeah, it's not that hard." " No." " No." " Let's go swimming." "Ooh-ah!" "I didn't bring my suit." "Did you bring your suit?" "N000... (Allan) We should take our clothes off." "(Nicole) Yeah." " Are you gonna come and get me?" " Yeah!" " (Nicole squeals) - (Allan) Ow!" "You're hitting me." "(Allan) It's very warm." "Ooh!" "It's cold." "It's cold." "It's cold." "(Sings) It's cooold!" "(Nicole) Allan!" "Ow, don't!" "You wanna go swimming?" "Yeah." "(# PATRICK WATSON: "Lighthouse")" " Do you think it'll be cold?" " Yep." "# Leave a lighthouse in the wild" "# Cos I'm coming in a little blind" "# Dreamer of a lighthouse..." "You've got a tattoo." "Yeah." " Yeah, it's, er..." " Eh, I know, it's..." "It's your mum, right?" " Oh, God!" " What?" "Something just..." "something just touched my foot." " It was really gross." " OK." " (Chantry) It's not funny." " (Wallace laughs)" "Oh..." " Oh, wow!" " Oh, yeah." "Wow!" "Wallace." "Yes?" "I'll look if you look." "OK." "# ...all busy lives" "# Dreaming of a lighthouse in the woods" "# To help us get back into the world... #" "Where are our clothes?" "(Wallace) Did we drift fuﬂher down?" "(Chantry) No, the fire's right there." "Yeah... they took our clothes." "(Chantry) Oh, God." "The car is gone." "God, how did it get so cold?" "It wasn't cold at all before." "It was, like, a warm night." "OK, er... you keep the sleeping bag and I will figure something out." "No, I can't let you just spend the night on the sand, all cold and wet and naked like a walrus." "Do you think that's funny?" "Do you think this is, like, some hilarious prank played on us by our wacky pals?" " Cos I don't." " No, I don't." "I just thought you were trying to lighten the mood with a mildly amusing joke involving a walrus." "I'm sorry if I misunderstood the seriousness of your walrus reference." " Don't be an arsehole." " I'm not being an arsehole." "Yes, you are, you are being an arsehole, because you're not taking this seriously." "You're treating it like a joke and it's not a joke!" "There is a line, a line that should not be crossed, and they crossed it." "And you know what?" "Treating it like a joke is being an arsehole." "I'm not treating this like a joke and I am not being an arsehole." "Allan is being an arsehole and Nicole is being an arsehole." "And right now you are kind of being an arsehole." "Me, I'm standing here with a branch." "A branch that cuts down approximately 0% of the wind-chill factor on my dick, OK?" "I've got a branch, you've got a sleeping bag." "How does that make me an arsehole?" " Fine." " Fine?" "What does "fine" mean?" "Fine means we'll share." " Chantry?" " What?" "They brought our clothes back." "I'll never doubt you again." "Hey, you guys have fun last night?" "(Allan) Hey." " Sleep well?" " You're an arsehole." "(Julianne in Spanish) That last bottle of wine was a terrible idea!" "(Ben in Spanish) Don't worry, we're almost there." "(Julianne in Spanish) The stairs look like mountains!" "(Chantry) Ben." "(Julianne in Spanish) The stairs..." "Chantry?" "Julianne is part of the Argentinian negotiating team." "She lives in the apartment next door." "A bunch of us went for a drink after work and I was just helping her home." "Ben, I'm not accusing you of anything." "You need not worry about his fidelity." "I'm not some beautiful but morally corrupt Argentine girl." "Why didn't you tell me you were coming, Chantry?" "Because I wanted to surprise you." "Surprise!" "OK." "I need to go to my apartment now and stuff old socks in my ears so I don't hear your love-making through the wall." "And I'm keeping this meat." "(Ben) Good night." "Sorry, you startled me." "This isn't how I planned to welcome you to Dublin." "Are you still startled?" "Should I get you some warm milk?" "Welcome to Dublin." "(Allan) I think someone shaded and it might be Mrs Cole." "Everyone, check." "Check, shad check." "You can look it up on Urban Dictionary." "Fail." "You couldn't find that stone if it was in your kidney." "I can see your back acne through your blouse." "(Wallace) Look at you just drunkenly spewing out joy like a shit Santa." "(Allan) Yup." "(Wallace) That's you now, yeah?" "Nicole's spending the night at Becky's." "We had a fight." "First fight as a married couple." " Ta-da!" "You want a beer?" " Sure." "So, er..." "I'm sorry." "OK?" "I let Nicole talk me into it even though I knew it was a bad idea." "I'm not like you." "I can't just hook up with somebody if they're already with someone else." "It's wrong." "It was wrong when my parents did it to each other." "It was wrong when Megan did it to me." "It was wrong when you and Nicole did it to her ex." "You don't think the fact that we got married kind of justifies it?" "No, I don't, not unless you want to be married to someone who doesn't mind cheating." "Hey, that's my wife, OK?" "Nicole talks a good game but she's been hurt like everybody else." "Her ex was a dick." "He treated her real bad." "It's complicated." "All this love shit's complicated, and that's good, because if it's too simple you've got no reason to try." "And if you got no reason to try, you don't." "Oh, oh... wait." "I just described you." "You know, maybe you're right." "But either way, you're an arsehole, Allan." "Hey." "He's just trying to get in your pants." "You know that, right?" "Wallace." "We're just friends." "(Sighs)" "It isn't like that." " He isn't like that." " Oh, sorry." "Sorry, I didn't realise Wallace was such a unique and magical creature, because, er... to me he looks like a guy." "And I didn't realise he was the only guy in the world who doesn't wanna screw every hot girl he knows." " Like you with Julianne?" " What?" "No, we're just..." "F fiends'?" "(Sighs)" " Hi." " Hi." " Come in or whatever." " Er..." "I just jogged over here to feed the cat but if I don't shower right away my pores get all clogged and I get this, like, zit nest on my forehead." " So, er... why are you feeding the cat?" " So it doesn't starve to death." " Yeah, but why can't Chantry feed it?" " Because she flew to Dublin." "She flew to Dublin?" "Yes... of course she did." "You like her." "You like Chantry." "Oh, God!" "Get in the shower." "I can see your blackheads from here." "No, don't get all snooty with me just cos you're so busted." "Look, I'm not in love with your sister, all right?" "You are a nice-ish guy, and you're amusing, but Chantry loves Ben." "They're gonna get married and they're gonna live happily ever after." "And you're just gonna be this guy that she was friends with for a couple of months." "Like, what was his name?" "Walter?" "I don't know." "So you just need to do whatever you need to do to get over it, OK?" "Cos it's never gonna happen." "Thank you." "So, er..." "I was reading this thing about how when they were trying to come up with the name for Cool Whip, they brainstormed 10,000 ideas..." " Sorry, what is Cool Whip?" " (Ben) It's a kind of processed cream." " It comes in a spray can." " Or like in a tub." "Ja, I have had ze Cool Whip." "I prefer ze... ze fresh whipped cream." "But when they were trying to come up with the name for that product, er, they... they brainstormed 10,000 ideas." "And they said, like, try to come up with just ten of your own just to see how hard it is." "Like Puffy Whip, or..." "Wiffy Puff." "Puffy Air..." "Whippy Air..." "Er..." "Cow Mixture?" " Sweet Dreams?" " Sweet Dreams." " Cotton Vool Candy Cow?" " It could be one." "Milch." "Milchi Médchen?" " So, you must be really proud of our Benji?" " Yeah." "He has the Brazilians on the run." "You know, he has the whole negotiation in his hands?" "We are so happy that he is able to stay for another six months." "And his Portuguese is really coming on." "He's good." "His Spanish is better but he's going to be so good by the time we get to Rio de Janeiro." "(Ben) I haven't accepted the offer yet." "Obviously, I was planning to talk to you about it first, but I mean..." "I love it here, you know?" "And it is not just the work." "It's the people and the culture and the music." "You never asked me to move out here with you." "Yeah, well, I didn't wanna ask you to quit a job you love." " And, I mean, you never offered." " You never asked." "Well, I'm asking you now." "I mean, there must be animation companies here." "I couldn't do that to Holly." "She's generous enough to give me this week off." "OK, so take the job." "It doesn't have to be a bad thing." "You'd be in Taipei, I'd be here." "We can meet in the middle." " Like in Toronto?" " No, like Tel Aviv, Istanbul, Mumbai." "It'll be a story we can tell our kids." "It's romantic." "It sounds lonely." "Look, I'm just trying to make this work, OK?" "Don't you wanna make this work?" "(PA) 'Welcome to Dublin and thank you for flying with us.'" "She's gone." "Is she... coming back?" "(Rumble of thunder)" "(Wallace groans)" " (Distorted) Hi..." " Hi." " Are you OK?" " Yeah, I'm fine." "(Mobile ringing)" " Are you sure?" " Yes, thank you." " Your phone is ringing." " Oh... thank you." "Oh, shit." "'Hey, Wallace, it's Chantry, er..." "'OK, so I'm in Dublin but I'm getting on a plane right now 'and I'm just wondering if you're free for lunch tomorrow 'at, like, noon at the George Street Diner?" "'Er... there's something I wanna talk to you about." "'So, er..." "I hope to see you there." "OK, bye.'" "Hey, Chantry." "Er... are you still in Dublin?" "Lunch at the diner sounds great but if you haven't left yet, er... call me." "OK, er... bye." "Shit!" "Shit!" "Shit!" "Shit!" "Shit!" "Shit!" "Shit!" "Taxi!" "Oh, come on!" "(Aeroplane overhead)" "George Street Diner." "Go, go, go!" "Shit." "Excuse me." " Hi." " Hey." "Oh, my God!" "What did you do to yourself?" "Oh, er... ninja attack." " Oh!" "The stupid ninjas." " I know." " I hate them." " Me too." "Very annoying." "Oh, thank you." "I'm good." " How you doing?" " Hi..." " So I flew to Dublin, right?" " Right, yeah, you said." "OK, so..." "There's, like, a bunch of stuff that's going on with me that I haven't told you about because..." "I haven't been sure what the right thing to do is." "Wallace, your face just looks terrible." "Oh, no, don't worry about it, really." "Er... what were you gonna say?" "OK, so... just that..." "I've been having to do a lot of big-picture thinking about..." "Wallace, seriously, I cannot concentrate because of your mangled head." "What did you do to yourself?" "Did you... did you hit yourself or something?" "Car accident?" "Did you walk into a door?" "Ben punched me." "I flew to Dublin." " Why did you fly to Dublin?" " To... tell you how I feel about you." " That's not why." " Well, I wanted to be honest with you." "You could have been honest with me any time." "You flew to Dublin to break up me and Ben, right?" "Er..." "How long... have you felt this way?" "Pretty much since the day we met." "So... when I said I have a boyfriend and I just wanna be friends and you said that's what you wanted too, that was a lie?" "No, I wanted that to be true." "But it wasn't." "You never wanted to be my friend." "We... we are friends." "I haven't just been trying to put my junk inside your trunk." "I told Ben you weren't that kind of guy, but you're totally that kind of guy." "God, he must think I'm such an idiot." "You must think I'm such an idiot." " No, of course not, Chantry." " I trusted you." "I trusted we were what we said we were: friends." "But you can't be friends with someone if you're just skulking around, waiting for some opportunity to screw them." "No!" "Look, what are you talking about?" "I'm not..." "It's not like you've caught me bathing in orphan blood or masturbating onto a kitten." "I just..." "I like you a little bit more romantically than I let on." "It's not a crime." "And... if it is, you're not exactly innocent." "What's that supposed to mean?" "You crossed all the same lines I did." "And I was single, you weren't." "I've never cheated on anybody." "And now you're making me feel like I somehow cheated on Ben!" "I'm making you feel like that?" "What, and you did nothing that I might possibly misconstrue?" "That night on the beach?" ""I'll look if you look"?" "I mean... what, did you tell Ben about that?" "That was a mistake." "This was a mistake." " I'm leaving." " Please." "No, Chantry, please!" "No, I'm leaving the country." " What, you're moving to Dublin?" " No." "I've been offered a job in Taiwan." "I'm putting my career first." "So..." "I'll be gone soon, for a year." "Maybe more." "It's a really big promotion." "Congratulations." "See you around, Wallace." " Uncle Wallace?" " Not right now, Felix." " Can I talk to you?" " Felix, I said not right now!" "I'm having a bad life." "What are you doing that's so important that you don't have time for your nephew when he needs you?" "I'm not the kid's dad, all right?" "He's your responsibility, not mine." "Fine, I'm a bad mum." "And when Felix grows up, he can blame me for all his problems and the circle of life can continue." "Until then, I'm doing the best I can." "Which is all any of us can do, except you." "You are not doing the best you can do!" "You..." " (Gulps)" " What's wrong?" "What's wrong?" "Are you choking?" " (Mumbles) Heimlich..." " OK, I'm gonna try and Heimlich you." "One." " OK, again." " (Gasps)" "" Big one!" " Ah!" "God!" "And you know you're not a bad mum, right?" "It wasn't exactly my plan that you should be my son's primary male role model, but you are." "Mmm... mine." "Gross." "This expired months ago." "Yeah, it's probably Ben's." "So that's it?" "You're just gonna throw it away?" "Let me guess." "We're not talking about salsa." "I just think you're making a huge mistake." " Do you really think Taiwan is a mistake?" " Yes, I do." "I think you're totally screwing up your life, actually." "Or not, maybe?" "I just don't have any idea what I'm doing." "I'm gonna be all the way over there and I'm not gonna have anybody with me." "I'm gonna be all alone and I'm gonna have all these huge new responsibilities." "And then... you're gonna be so far away." "And Ben and..." "And there's, you know..." "Wallace." "Yeah." "Yeah, have you heard from him?" "No, but I think I messed it up really bad." "I called him a liar and I think that I might be the liar." " No." " Yes." "I mean, I think it might count as lying if you lie to yourself." "No!" "Come here." "(Wallace) I think everything might have turned out for the best." "I'm, er..." "I'm going back to med school." "I sent in my application today." "Oh, so you just gave up?" "No." "I'm... not giving up." "I'm getting back to the life I was supposed to have by now." "When you're old and wrinkled and your penis doesn't work anymore, not that it's in great shape now, but in that old, wrinkled, dickless future," " will this seem like the right call?" " Yes." "I'll think dropping out of med school because of a girl was stupid." "Not chasing after a girl who doesn't want me was definitely smart" "I'm a doctor now." "I've saved probably millions of lives cos I'm brilliant." "I cured the zombie epidemic." "You remember that?" "I'm the one that found the cure so you can just all be grateful." "Shut up and stop questioning my decisions." "(Allan) Hey, hey..." " What?" "Well, it was supposed to be a secret but..." "loose-lips over here knocked me up." "Oh, shit!" "You got a baby in you!" " Yeah, I know!" " Congratulations!" "That means the apocalypse has already started." "That's great!" "Yay!" "And you're the first person we told so you can't be mad at us anymore." "And you have to forgive pregnant people for anything they've ever done to you." " It's like a federal law." " Deal." "Wow!" "I can't wait to meet this kid." "And... we're having a going-away party for Chantry and you should come to it to say goodbye." "No." "No, we already said our goodbyes." "(# RICHARD AUCOIN: "it")" "(indistinct chatter)" " Wallace?" " No." "(indistinct)" "Let me see your nails." "No, I think mine are normal and yours are tiny." " I don't want you to leave." " No..." "I'm sorry I'm late." "bye" " Skype me." "Be careful." "Take care of yourselves." " I'm never gonna Skype." " Call me tomorrow." "Bye ." "." "Hey- ." "Hey" "(Wallace) How are you?" "(Chantry) I'm great." "How are you?" "(Wallace) Good." "(Chantry) Good." "Er... so your new job is going to be amazing." " Er... and you get to live in Asia." " Yeah." "I hear Taiwan is incredible." "Yeah, and you're gonna go back to med school." " Yeah, yes." " That is so great." "You think so?" "No, actually, I've always hated doctors so I pretty much think you've become the Antichrist." "Right, and Taiwan is shit." "Everything I said a second ago was a lie." "And you will have an awful time cos, er..." "Chantry means "syphilitic woman"." " Well, at least it will be accurate." " Yeah, right, exactly." "Yeah." "So, how long until you see people as just slabs of meat that you can cut up and sew back together and not, like, actual people with real feelings?" "Oh, God, hopefully as soon as possible." "I mean, I have been practising at night on tiny defenseless animals and homeless people." "Oh, good." "That's actually what homeless people are there for." "Yes, I know." "They're all just bodies in waiting." " Yeah, especially for a sociopath." " Especially for... yeah!" "That's been my goal for a long time, as you know: just to feel nothing." "Yeah, it wouldn't be such a bad idea sometimes." " So Dublin..." " It's OK..." "No, it's not." "I'm really sorry." "It was stupid and I know Ben is a good guy and he didn't deserve that." " Yeah." " Yeah." "So, are you two OK?" "I'm not sure." "About anything." "So, I got really creative when I was cleaning out my fridge." " Did you?" " And, er..." "I, er..." "I made you that." "It's, er... it's Fool's Gold." "I even coated the loaf in butter as you are supposed to." "That's the real thing." "I can't believe you did this." "This is your going-away present." "I don't know what to say." "So, I thought a lot about something you said, about how when you realise how quickly everything can fall apart it makes you never wanna give up anything good ever again." "Whatever this is between us... it is good." "It is so good, it is actually the best thing that has ever happened to me and I don't want it to be over." "I don't want it to be over either." "I kinda wish, you know, like... we could invent a time machine or something." " If we ever invent time travel..." " Yeah?" "...I would go back to the night we met." " You would?" " Yes." "What will you do differently?" "Nothing." "Me too." "(# EDWARD SHARPE  THE MAGNETIC ZEROS: "Let's Get High")" "# Let's get high" "# High on love" "# Bounce with the bigots in the north" "# Got me rocking back and forth" "# And the bigots in the south" "# Don't you know it make no difference to me" "# Ain't we all just Japanese" "# When we're high on love" "# Now march by the terror in the east" "# By the terror in the west" "# God and Allah would be pleased" "# Don't you know it make no difference to Christ" "# We're all Jesus in disguise" "# When we're high on love" "# I need love" "# I need your love" "# Yeah, yeah, I need your love" "# Love" "# Baby" "# High on love" "# Now march with the lonely one percent" "# All they wanted was a tent" "# To go marching with their friends, singing songs" "# I say we let 'em come along" "# There's no protest, they're just songs" "# When we're high on love" "# Now march by the murder and the pain" "# And the criminally insane" "# There's a grand 0l' jamboree" "# Don't you know it don't make no difference to blood" "# It's all kung-fu in the mud" "# When we're high on love" "# All this talk of who's to blame" "# For your headache and your pain" "# Grab a mirror and some soap" "# Now let's do the criminal" "# I need love" "# I need your love" "# Yeah, yeah, I need your love" "# Love" "# High on love" "# Everyone love" "# Everyone love" "# Help me to love them, yeah" "# Everyone love" "# Help me to love them, yeah" "# Everyone love" "# Oh-oh" "# Help me to love them, yeah" "# Everyone love" "# Oh-oh" "# Help me to love them, yeah" "# Everyone love" "# Oh-oh" "# Help me to love them, yeah" "# Everyone love" "# Oh-oh" "# Help me to love them, yeah" "# Everyone love" "# Everyone love" "# Everyone love" "# Everyone love" "# Everyone love" "# Everyone love" "# Man in the mirror" "# Man in the mirror" "# Man in the mirror" "Subtitling by Motion Picture Solutions"