"Kids, before you go to school, you want to see some art?" "I've already looked in the mirror once today, so I am good." "Is this a trick?" "We say "sure" and then you moon us?" "No." "You know that customer who always doodles on his napkins?" "Look what he drew yesterday." "Oh." "It's a fisherman." "And he used the grease stain as a lake." "That's a good use of grease." "You know what, maybe we should put it up over here." "Start a wall of customer drawings, right?" "Huh." "A wall of napkin art." "That's a good idea, Lin." "It is a good idea, Mom." "But you know what isn't?" "Putting your coffee mug so close to the edge of the counter." "That's a piping hot cup of ouch." "Thank you, Tina." "Ugh, we get it." "You're a hall monitor." "Leave your work at school." "Sorry." "But all my hall monitoring is gonna pay off." "I think Mr. Frond is about to promote me to the highest hall monitor rank there is." "It's called Hall Manatee." "Hall Manatee?" "Why is it called that?" "There are two schools of thought about that." "No, never mind." "I don't want to hear." "Okay." "Hi, Ms. Selbo." "Signing in for hall monitor duty?" "You know, there's a rumor going around that you're up for a big promotion." "Oh, don't listen to rumors, Ms. Selbo." "Then what would I do?" "Just answer the phone when it rings?" "Tina, come on." "Here's your vest." "Good luck, Mana-Tina." "What?" "You didn't hear it from me." "Hi, Tina." "I-I went ahead and signed you in." "That was thoughtful, Rudy, but it's against the rules to forge a signature on the sign-in sheet." "Oh, yeah." "The rules." "I guess I played it pretty fast and loose." "Yeah, let's save fast and loose for when you shake your caboose." "Rules were made to be followed." "Right, sorry." "See, that's why you're gonna be a Hall Manatee and I'm stuck at Hall Minnow." "Well, I'm also a Hall Minnow 'cause I'm bad at networking." "Third period." "Lunch is 40 minutes away." "Kids are hungry and cranky, which means out in the hallway anything can happen." "Got it." "Oh, slow you didn't." "Huh?" "I'm saying you weren't going slow in the hall." "Slow you didn't?" "I should have been more clear." "Sorry." "Full name and grade?" "Danny Duszynski, fifth." "Duszynski." "Thank you, Danny." "You stupid..." "Whoa." "What's that?" "Bye." "Thank you." "You're welcome." "Whoa, he used language." "No, I think he just said "thank you."" "Tina, can I just say it?" "You inspire me." "I know." "Hold on." "I recognize that sound." "It's butts on brass." "Huh?" "Follow me." "I love gravity!" "I'm glad I wore my fast pants!" "Hey, guys." "You just slid into detention." "Nice." "I'm gonna need a full name and grade from both of you." "I get it." "Good psych-out, Tina." "You scared us straight." "Uh, full name and grade." "I can't tell you my full name!" "You know Mom won't tell me my middle name!" "Geez, Tina, what are you, Narcy Narc and the Narcy Bunch?" "Fine." "Louise and Gene Belcher." "All right, off to class." "And I'll see you at home." "What's Mom making tonight?" "Anyone know?" "Good talk." "Wow, that was cold-blooded." "I guess when you're a hall monitor you have to leave your feelings in your locker." "And lose the combination." "Yeah..." "Hall monitors on duty, report immediately to Coach Blevins' office." "Uh-oh." "Let's move." "Let me go." "Dang." "Ugh, Zeke." "You called us, Mr. Frond?" "Ah, Tina." "My star hall monitor." "And Regular Sized Rudy." "My fixer-upper hall monitor." "I'll get there." "Anyway, I stepped away from class to retrieve my shatterproof Suh-weet." "Thanks." "When I got to my office," "I found Zeke in here digging around." "Trespassing in a teacher's office." "This is strike three for you, Zeke." "I'm afraid that means automatic suspension." "Uh, but I got a good reason." "Save it." "Tina, I need you to escort Zeke to the principal's office." "I'd do it myself, but I dropped my cell phone in the toilet, and I need to put it in rice immediately." "Has anyone tried that?" "Does it work?" "Ha!" "Mr. Frond's got a smell phone." "You're suspended." "Tina, think you can handle this?" "I don't think you can handle how much I can handle this, Mr. Frond." "Let's go, Zeke." "I'll take it from here, Rudy." "You finish your rounds." "Are you sure?" "Zeke's trouble." "It's a midday run." "I could do it in my sleep." "Yeah, but I want to help." "I've never transported a perp." "Yeah, we're good, Rudy." "Oh." "Oh, wow." "Tina's giving Rudy some 'tude-y." "Shut up, Zeke." "I'm sorry I said "shut up."" "You shut up." "Look what Teddy did!" "Funky pattern." "I'm putting it up!" "Spirals, right?" "Welcome to my brain." "Look at mine, Linda." "Aw, it's a sun wearing sunglasses." "Someone's feeling silly." "Guilty!" "Uh, here you go." "Here's mine." "Ah." "Ooh." "Yeah." "What is it?" "It's a face." "I don't recognize it." "Well, it's no one in particular." "It's just a face." "Hmm." "Could it be a foot?" "Oh, I see it now!" "It's a beautiful face." "So are you gonna put it on the wall?" "What?" "Yeah." "S-Sure." "Yeah, of cour..." "I'm gonna put it up." "Wall." "Well, it doesn't seem like you want to." "Oh, here's a spot for it." "Right there." "Uh." "Wait." "Y..." "Lin, you're putting it behind the coffee machine." "Am I?" "Forget it." "If..." "I-I don't want you to put it up if you don't like it." "Okay." "That was close." "We were gonna have to look at that thing every time they moved the coffee pot." "Sorry, Teddy." "Sorry it's not a spiral or a sun with sunglasses." "Speaking of spirals..." "Whoa!" "Right?" "Oh, I'm dizzy!" "Another one's going up!" "Oh, my God." "Put it..." "put it right there." "Come on!" "The time doesn't fit the crime." "You got to let me go!" "Enough, Zeke." "You're the one who broke into the gym teacher's office." "Okay, listen, I did it for my grandma." "Sure you did." "Well, can I at least use the bathroom before you turn me in?" "I don't think so." "Please!" "Have a heart, Tina!" "Good gosh." "Okay." "But make it quick." "All right!" "Thanks, T-Bird!" "Okay." "Zeke?" "Zeke, as your hall monitor, I'm ordering you:" "Come out with your hands washed." "That's odd." "Anybody in here?" "I'm coming in on 90% official hall monitor business." "And 10% curiosity." "Zeke?" "Answer me, Zeke." "I know you're in there." "I can see your shoes." "Huh." "Where'd your legs go?" "What the..." "Oh, no." "I lost Zeke." " Aah!" "Tina." " Mr. Frond." "How'd it go?" "Did Zeke give you any trouble?" "Well, uh..." "Of course he did." "But I'm sure you handled it, right?" "Tina?" "Tina?" "God, that sound makes me queasy, Tina." "It went great." "I dropped him off at the principal, and the principal said," ""Thank you, Tina." Everything was fine." "Terrific." "That's why you're the best." "Stop it!" "Tina." "Liar." "Zeke." "Zeke." "Come out." "Everyone's..." "wrestling out here." "I'm being wrestled." "Oh, hey, Tina." "Ah!" "Sorry to interrupt." "Everything okay with Zeke?" "Everything's fine." "What a weird thing to bring up." "Come on." "It's Regular Sized Rudy." "You can talk regular to me." "Everything is great, Rudy!" "It's really, really, really, really great!" "Okay, but... it just seem..." "Got to go." "Everything's great." "See you soon." "I can't believe it." "My hero's gone dirty." "Stand down, feelings." "Stand down." "Time for Rudy to clean up this mess." "It's almost lunchtime." "Once these halls fill up with people, I'll never find Zeke." "I should call for backup." "Why'd you pull us out of class?" "Yeah, I was learning stuff!" "You guys, I need your help." "Oh, do you?" "You busted us today like we were just a couple of butt-sliding strangers!" "Yeah!" "We all slid out of the same place, sister!" "It was nothing personal." "Well, then nothing personal, but if you want our help, it's gonna cost you big-time!" "Yeah!" "Ok-Okay, um, I-I can give you each a hall pass." "Is that all?" "Then we will pass on that offer." "Wait!" "What if I could give you..." "A permanent hall pass?" "A perma-pass?" "Is that real?" "Could it be?" "One hall pass to rule them all." "It exists, but only for kids with serious medical conditions." "Lucky!" "So we help you get promoted..." "And these halls are yours." "All right." "You got our attention." "What's the job?" "I lost Zeke." "I was supposed to get him to the office, but he got away." "I need you to help me get him back." "Is that all?" "Think, Tina." "How do you find someone who doesn't want to be found?" "You rough up that someone's friend." "Jimmy Jr.?" "Oh, I don't think we need to ask him anything about this." "Want to get Zeke?" "Then suck it up, T." "J-Ju!" "Buddy!" "What's going on, man?" "What do you want, Louise?" "What do I want?" "I want to chat." "Watch for lunch ladies and Feds." "All right, where is he?" "Where is who?" "Your buddy Zeke." "He's hiding somewhere in school." "I-I don't know anything about it." "Oh, no?" "Tell me something." "You're a dancer." "How important is it for a dancer to have toes?" "!" "Uh, that didn't hurt, Louise." "Why not?" "!" "That was my whole body!" "I'm wearing thick socks?" "Okay." "Take your socks off." "No." "Where's Zeke, Jimmy Jr.?" "!" "Whoa." "Yikes." "I told your sister, Tina," "I don't know." "That's not good enough." "Ew, Tina, this tray is gross!" "Too bad you chose chowder day to lie to me." "It's chowder day?" "Okay!" "I don't know for sure, but there's a place Zeke goes sometimes." "He calls it his hidey-hole." "Where is it?" "Stop it, Tina!" "The storage room!" "Over by the science lab!" "Now take off your socks!" "Yeah, take off your socks!" "Okay!" "Oh, wait." "Um, don't take off your socks." "Put them back on." "Sorry." "Yeah, it wouldn't make much sense." "Wait, so put 'em back on or..." " Put it back on!" " Okay!" "Faster!" "Faster!" "It's not going on!" "Put them on!" "Now!" "They're all sweaty!" "Okay." "A little shading over here." "Looks good." "Uh, Lin, take a look." "I did another one." "Mmm." "Hmm." "I went back to the drawing board." "Literally." "And I..." "and I drew something" "I know I could never mess up... a burger." "Yeah." "It's good." "Oh, my God." "You are so bad at pretending you like it." "What are you talking about?" "It's so good I want to eat it." "Look, I just ate it." "Okay, let's put it up." "We'll put it up." "No, Lin, I-I don't want a sympathy hang." "Do you like it or not?" "Mike the Mailman!" "Get in here!" "Talk to us!" "Please." "You know what, don't use Mike as an excuse to change the subject, Lin." "What was the subject?" "Your marriage?" "What?" "Oh, doodle wall, huh?" "Yeah!" "What do you think, huh?" "Artsy." "May I?" "Boom." "3-D cube." "Oh, my God, it's perfect!" "Mmm." "That's good." "Yeah." "Oh, it's jumping out at me!" "Oh." "Oh, it's going on the wall." "You know what the trick is?" "Draw a square, draw another square, connect 'em." "See, you never know." "People could be a mailman but they're also an artist." "Why is everybody good at this but me?" "!" "Okay, someone's jealous." "I love it, Mike." "Whoa." "This is a good hidey-hole." "What this room really needs is a desk." "Zeke?" "You in here?" "You go low, we'll go high." "Look!" "You see him?" "No, it's a box of chalk nubs!" "Nub party!" "Zeke, I can hear you." "There!" "There he is!" "Uh-oh." "Get out, Tina!" "You have nowhere left to crawl." "I told you, I'm innocent!" "I don't care." "All right, only one thing left to do." "Jump to freedom!" "I'm coming, Grandma!" "You still have nowhere left to crawl." "What is this?" "Chinese finger trap." "I got it as a party favor." "But in America." "All right." "Is there a trick to it?" "Don't tell me." "Okay, tell me." "No." "Got your man, Tina." "And I'm eating this chalk." "We all did good." "I'll take it from here, guys." "Whoa, whoa." "Whoa." "What about our perma-passes?" "Those exist?" "Dang!" "I heard they tattoo 'em on your neck and it hurts, but it's worth it." "No, but they're laminated." "Here." "If anyone asks, you have irritable bowel syndrome." "All bowels are irritable." "Hey, ticket to ride." "I'm Louise." "Let's roll." "Let's go everywhere in the world except class." "It's almost like the harder I pull, the tighter it gets." "Aha!" "Found you!" "Rudy!" "You lied to Mr. Frond!" "You said you delivered Zeke." "I am delivering him." "Now." "Back off, Rudy." "You were my hero." "Now look at you!" "Dang!" "Zeke's coming with me." "Easy, squirt." "Detach him, Tina." "I'm bringing Zeke in, and I'm reporting you to Mr. Frond." "You blew it, man." "No!" "I worked too hard for this promotion." "Hand over the Zeke!" "Lunch is over." "Hey, look, uh, a kid, uh, doing something dangerous and breaking a rule." "Oh, rules are..." "Oh." "Hey, come back!" "What are you doing!" "The principal's office is the other way." "There's more than one way to the principal's office." "There are two ways." "Here we go." "This guy." "What?" "!" "Hi." "Uh, so, um," "I need a quick drawing lesson." "Oh, you must mean the Emergency Drawing Package." "Yes." "D-Do you have that?" "No!" "'Cause there's no such thing!" "Takes years of training to be an artist." "Years!" "Look, you're the only real artists I know." "You're very talented." "Well, actually, Harold's not that good." "I'm-I'm fair." "You're not, honey." "I am!" "You know you aren't." "Okay." "Look, I would really appreciate it if you'd help me..." "I'd be... honored." "All right." "Stop groveling!" "We'll give you a crash course." "Really?" "Thank you." "I'll set up the studio." "Harold, sell him the supplies." "All right. $30!" "For a pencil and a pad of paper?" "You want to learn to draw?" "!" "Pay the man!" "All right, all right, all right." "Come on, we just need to get around to the front of the school." "Can I ask you something?" "Why do you want to be a hall monitor, anyway?" "It's just telling on kids." "It's not telling on kids." "It's helping on kids." "Well, you aren't helping on me." "It's your own fault." "You've committed a series of Mr. Wieners." "That's what I call misdemeanors." "Cool." "Funny words make the job fun." "Yeah." "Listen, this is the truth." "I broke into Coach's office so I could take the mascot uniform." "The Wagstaff Whaler?" "Why?" "I told you..." "for my grandma." "She's having surgery today, and I just wanted to mascot around for her before she went under the knife." "You expect me to believe that?" "Yeah." "Grandma likes mascots." "She met my grandpa when they were mascottin' in college." "They looked into each other's big dumb foam eyes, and that was it." "Miss Labonz!" "If she sees us, we'll be in big trouble." "What are you two kids doing outside?" "Uh..." "What are you doing, Miss L?" "Smoking." "Cool." "Smoking is not cool, Zeke." "Yes, it is." "N-No, it's not." "Especially when teachers do it." "That's cool!" "It's like you're teaching me to smoke." "I love this stuff!" "Don't..." "Stop saying that, Zeke." "We're like best friends, man." "No, we're not." "No." "We're bonding over cigarettes." "That's pretty cool." "We are not bonding over cigarettes!" "Sure we are." "Hey, hey, let me get one of those!" "I've been dying to try one of them." "You two get to class!" "Come on, throw one in my mouth." "I'll see if I can catch it." "Stop." "Stop talking to me." "Took care of that." "Adults get really nervous when you ask them for cigarettes." "Quick thinking." "Thanks." "That's how you help a kid." "Not by being a narc." "Whoa." "Okay, what's happening, exactly?" "Life drawing." "If you can draw a nude figure, you can draw anything." "Grab your charcoal, Charlie!" "Lady's a-waitin'." "Okay, um, wha-what do I draw first?" "The gesture, and then the essence, and then the breasts." "I don't see you drawing!" "Sorry, I can't look up." "Harold, be my eyes..." "how's he doing?" "Bad." "Listen, I'm trying." "I just can't breathe right now." "Oh, you don't like what you see, huh?" "Oh, it's good." "No, it's fine." "Get used to it..." "it's the human form." "It's the most beautiful thing you're ever gonna see in your life." "It's super yummy." "Tell him!" "I just wasn't expecting the hair." "If you don't let me go, I'm gonna chew my finger off!" "Zeke!" "Come on!" "Grandma's gonna have to leave for the hospital soon!" "Even if what you were saying was true, you still should have asked for the mascot suit." "I did." "I asked Coach B if I could borrow the suit fair and square, but he wouldn't let me." "Probably thought I was gonna poop in it." "Just 'cause I used to poop in stuff." "Give it up, Zeke." "Almost there." "Oh, Rudy." "Tina, you leave me no choice." "Mr. Frond...!" "No!" "Zeke?" "You should be in the principal's office." "He was... um, 'cause I took him, obviously." "She never took him." "She never took him." "Tina, is this true?" "Yes." "How's your cell phone doing?" "It's dead." "Oh, I heard that rice thing, that that's supposed to..." "I'm very disappointed in you, Tina." "Clearly you couldn't handle this responsibility." "Now, un-trap your fingers." "You say that like it's easy." "Oh...!" "Let's do it again!" "Hi, Ms. Selbo." "Hi, Tina." "I heard a rumor that you were disgraced." "What?" "Wagstaff front desk." "You're calling from where, ma'am?" "The Elegant Doily Retirement Home?" "Oh, that's right down the street." "Sometimes your wanderers come here." "Well, I don't know if your grandson is still coming to visit... who is he?" "Oh, Zeke." "I'll see if I can find him for you." "Zeke was telling the truth." "Perma-pass!" "We can do anything we want within limits!" "Hey, uh, guys, listen, I owe you both an apology." "Yeah." "My ambition got the best of me." "Uh-huh." "I've let it turn me into a bad hall monitor and an even worse sister." "Yes, you did." "I'm sorry." "We forgive you." "Gene!" "Leave her hanging for a second." "Shove your apology!" "Yeah!" "That's fair." "Okay, okay." "We forgive you." "Ah, thank you." "And there's one more thing." "We need to help Zeke." "Tina, I hate to tell you this, but that's not Zeke." "Okay, Zeke is in the principal's office being watched by Ms. Schnur and Mr. Frond." "The principal naps in his car every day until 1:45." "That gives us seven minutes to spring Zeke." "How are we gonna get past Mr. Frond?" "Forget Frond... it's Ms. Schnur you've got to worry about." "She's short, but she's got a seven-foot wingspan." "It's okay." "I have an idea." "I told you, my grandma's about to go under..." "Oh, spare me the grandma stuff." "Grandma excuses are older than grandmas themselves." "Hey, Penny Marshall's outside!" "The Penny Marshall?" "!" "Yeah." "And she said something about needing a new best friend." "That could be me!" "Ms. Schnur, Penny Marshall is not outside." "Mr. Frond, if she is out there and I don't go out," "I will never forgive myself!" "Out of my way!" "Ms. Schnur, no!" "Zeke, run!" "Come here, get up." "Uh, counsel me." "No, counsel me." "Not now." "Counsel me!" "Counsel me!" "I'm messed up!" "I'm a big mess!" "Zeke." "What's going on?" "Take it." "What?" "And go." "Damn, Tina." "Now I got a story to tell on our wedding day." "You think that's not gonna happen, but I'll get you, girl." "I'm gonna get you." "Okay, d-don't say anything, just go." "Zeke, come back here!" "Let him go, Mr. Frond." "He's going to see his grandma before she has surgery." "His grandma?" "You naive little wide-eyed candy-dandy fool." "This is Zeke we're talking about." "Once, he faked lice." "I think he used Sea-Monkeys." "But I was in Ms. Selbo's office when his grandma called." "Anyone can get a friend to pretend to be someone's grandma." "There are services that do that." "Mr. Frond, we're hall monitors." "But people aren't halls." "Tell that to Darryl Hall." "And Anthony Michael Hall." "Arsenio Hall." "Okay, a lot of people are Halls." "But what I'm saying is people are complicated." "Life is complicated." "And sometimes even liars tell the truth." "I believe Zeke." "You do, huh?" "Okay, I'll bet you he's lying." "If I'm wrong, you're not in trouble." "And, what the heck, I'll give you your promotion." "Forget the promotion." "If you're wrong, Zeke's not suspended." "Sure, I'll even throw in some ice cream for Zeke's imaginary granny after her imaginary surgery." "And you have to marry her for citizenship." "What happens if Tina loses?" "One month's detention." "And you turn in your vest." "And your finger trap." "But that's mine." "If I win, I want it." "Cool bet, Tina." "But Zeke does this kind of thing a lot." "And that's coming from a girl who does this kind of thing a lot." "Yeah, think about it, T." "You're on, Frond." "Terrific." "To the nursing home!" "We're coming, too." " Yeah!" " Great!" "Come along." "W-wait, where's everybody going?" "We're going on a "splash of cold hard truth in Tina's face" field trip!" "I didn't get a slip for that." "Okay, here we are." "Zeke's grandma?" "Is Zeke's grandma here?" "Yes." "Yep, that is definitely Zeke's grandma." "Huh?" "Oh, that's strange." "There's Zeke's grandma, but I don't see Zeke anywhere." "Maybe that's because..." "Liars are liars, and people are bad." "Buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, I am right!" "Are you my surgeon?" "I can't believe Zeke's not here." "Sorry, Tina." "I was kind of hoping he would be here, too." "Y'all ready for this?" "!" "No, no, no, no." "No, no, no, no, no, no, no." "You lose, Frond." "You lose!" "Whalers in the front!" "Let me hear you grunt!" "That's my boy." "Ice cream time!" "There's an ice cream truck around here somewhere, Mr. Frond." "Better go find it." "Okay, okay, okay, I'm going." "Walk, don't run." "Nice!" "There you are." "Where were you?" "Did you go to the store or something?" "I did, in a way." "And what I bought was a new me." "A me who can draw!" "Look at this, Lin." "It's naked Edith!" "It's good." "Kids, look... it's naked Edith." "Naked Edith!" "Naked Edith!" "Saggy and sophisticated." "Just like it says on her bumper sticker." "Mm-hmm." "Oh, oh, look what I'm doing." "Right now." "Look, look where it's going." "Really?" "Yep." "I made the wall." "You made the wall sexy." "Look at all those nooks and crannies." "Yeah, lotta-lotta folds." "Whalers in the front!" "Let me hear you grunt!" "Whalers in the front!" "Let me hear you grunt!"