"HBO presents One Night Stand" "With comedian Louis C.K." "Ladies and gentlemen, Louis C.K.!" "All right, thank you." "Thank you very much." "Thanks, guys." "That's very nice, thank you." "How you doing, all right?" "Good." "Good." "That's good, you're out!" "Being out is good." "It is." "I don't go out anymore, I have a baby now, so I don't go out." "Some of you have babies, but you don't love em, so you are here." "That's cool." "Now I mostly just go out with my daughter," "I went to the park with her the other day, I was in this park in..." "New York City park." "And they have these no drinking signs at the park." "But it doesn't say no drinking, has a picture of like a martini glass with a line through it." "Are those really the people causing the problems with the drinking in the parks?" "Are they reaching they target audience with a martini glass, really?" "Shouldn't be like a bottle in a bag with a line through it?" "You see people at this park at 4:00 in the morning, "Hei, motherfucker!"" "I tried to go to movies, but movies are all shit now." "They are." "They're all shit." "Like they just have this machine that just..." "Just makes shit." "I tried to see..." "I rented a movie." "I rented the Jesus movie, were they beat the shit out of Jesus for a couple of hours." "Wow!" "They kicked his ass!" "What happened?" "What, he keyed somebody's Camaro?" "What did the guy do?" "Look, I didn't liked the Jesus movie." "I though it was a shitty movie." "And these people gets offended when you tell them that." "Like you saying something wrong." "I say, "I though the Jesus movie sucked."" "And they like, "Hei, man!" Like, what, he's not in it, who gives a shit?" "Like Jesus cares about Mel Gibson's movie, you know." "Look, I was raised Catholic, so I know he did that for me and I appreciate it, you know, thank you." "A little..." "He should have asked first, you know?" "I would have said, "I'm all set." "I don't need that done, because..." "A little presumptuous." "But only because..." "Look, here's the thing," "I was raised Catholic, and I'm not anymore, because they..." "Look, if they're right, I am fucked." "I'm going to hell, I am." "Because I'm really a bad..." "I do wrong shit." "A lot." "Man, it's really..." "I'm going to hell, I know." "And I don't wanna go to hell." "And really because" "I don't like new places." "That's really the reason." "Because I'm afraid I'm going to hell" "I won't know where to sign up for shit, I'll be all confused." "Like the first day of school, you know?" "I wonder, is there like a schedule to hell?" "How organized is your damnation?" "Like, first they put you in one room and some monster fucks you up the ass for a thousand years." "You came out there like, "Mm, they aren't fucking around there, I tell you." "I don't recommend that room." "That was a drag."" "Then they take you and put you in another room, where they shit in your..." "I don't know what the fuck they're doing there, but what if..." "What if hell is not like that?" "What if I'm just standing in a hallway in hell, like, "What do I do, where do I go?"" "Some demon walks at me, and I'm like, "Aaah!" "Demon!"" "And the demon is like, "Come on, suck my dick!" "Ha!"" "Now I'm blowing a demon in hell and it's horrible." "I'm thinking I shouldn't have lied so much or whatever." "But here's my question, what if when I'm done blowing the demon in the hallway, which how do you know when you done blowing the demon in the hallway?" "I guess when he comes fire ants on you or whatever." "When I'm done blowing the demon in the hallway, what if some guy in charge in hall walks at me and goes," ""Hei, man, you didn't have to blow that guy, you know?" "He just hangs out here." "He's not part of your damnation or anything." "What did you blow him for?"" "I..." "I just assume you suppose to blow people." "He said, "suck my dick!", so I, you know..." "So, say no, what's so hard about that?" "Jesus!" "Look, man, you have to pace yourself." "You're down here for ever." "You're gonna blow a lot of demons, elephants, all kinds of shits." "Don't be freelancing in the hallways, for Christ's sakes!" "And also, you gotta die to go to hell." "And I don't wanna die." "I like my life." "I'm very happy." "I'm married and I love my wife." "I love her very much." "My wife hates me." "She fucking hates me." "She hates me so much!" "Like that's what she does." "Like, if you ask her what you do today," ""I fucking hate that guy, that's what I did today!" "I hate Louie!"" "She's so mad at me all the time." "Here's the latest thing, the other day she got really mad, she say to me," ""You know what you did?" "You filled the dishwasher with dishes, you put the soap in and you didn't turn it on!" "And I'm like, "Aw, shit!" "What are we gonna do now?"" "But here's the part where she blows my mind." "This is amazing, when she gets to this level." "She says, "Well, why didn't you turn it on?"" "Like I have a reason for not turning it on." "And I'm like, "Can't I just be stupid?" "Can it just be that I'm a fucking idiot?" "That I filled the dishwasher and then I went... and I walk away?"" "I can live with that." "I'm cool with that." "But she says, "No, why did you do it?"" "Which means I decided not to do it." "Do you know how much more of an asshole that makes me?" "That means I filled the dishwasher and then I went," ""You know what?" "Fuck her, I ain't turn it on!" "She can suck my dick if she thinks I'm pressing that on button." "I'll fill it, but I don't fucking press on, not in my own house!"" "Why would I do that?" "That would be crazy." "The thing that she's usually mad about is simple, she says that I don't listen to her when she's talking, and I don't." "But it's not because I don't love her blablabla, it's because..." "I try to listen." "I really do." "When she talks, I just stare at her face," ""Come on." "Bring the story."" "But somehow I'm like, "What a..." I can't do it!" "I tried!" "Cause every story gets divided into fifty stories that all branched out into these crazy..." "And I'm like, "Holy shit!"" "I got ADD, I can't do it, I'm like, fucking please." "But I try." "Every time I try, cause I love this retarded woman, so I try really hard to listen to her stories." "Other people don't even try." "We go to parties, she starts talking, people just walk away, like," ""Fuck this, that lady is crazy." "Who would waste time listening to that crap?"" "Me!" "She can't help it." "I really fell bad, because" "I think that every word of the story gets her so excited, that she wants to fucking run with it." "She can't fucking just break through and gets to the end." "Or even the beginning." "This is my wife telling a story, she's like," ""Guess what happened with my mom today." "I was..." "You remember when I told you my mom, how she went, she was in college..." "Not when she went to Michigan, when she transferred..." "Remember cause that guy got weird and she had to leave, cause he was..." "Not the Iranian guy, that was a different story..." "That guy, I actually, I think he was Persian, I..." "I heard that Persia actually split..." What the fuck are you talking about?" "Jesus Christ!" "Pick a thing!" "Have some consideration for the fucking listener!" "I don't do that." "Here's me telling a story," ""I bought a tomato, and a ate it and it was good." "That's a story anyone can follow." "It's about a tomato the whole time." "I like being married though, I do." "I really like it." "I seriously do." "We're having sex, my wife and I a couple of weeks ago, which is amazing, that we did that, because we never have sex." "Never." "Because we have a baby, and our baby is a fucking asshole and won't let us have sex." "No, fuck it." "That kid is a jerk, man." "Seriously." "Every time she got some urgent shit in her room." "Papa, come in here!" "All right, in a minute..." "Now!" "OK, I go in there." "What's up?" "I need a pair of pants to put on my pony." "Wow!" "Holy shit!" "I'm trying to fuck your mom in there, would you gimme a break?" "Can a guy fuck your mom for a minute?" "There is no sex, man." "I had no idea that marriage just means no sex." "No." "None." "Fucking none." "I have friends that are thinking to get married and they say funny shit like," ""Hei, you know what, I don't know if I can do it because I don't know if I can have sex with one woman for the rest of my life."" "Well, don't worry about that shit." "You're gonna have sex with zero women for the rest of your life." "It's a lot less than one." "One woman, who the fuck you think you are?" "Where did you get this fantasy?" "I'd love to have sex with one woman for the rest of my life." "Any one woman." "Big fat dead lady with a beard, I'd fuck her every day!" "I'd be proud to have her." "That's not usually my problem, these days, my problem is very simple." "It's trying to find a place in my house where I can masturbate without somebody bothering me." "And that's get really difficult." "There's nowhere to go anymore." "She's got her mother staying with us too, in the guest room, and I'm on the street now." "I got nowhere to go." "Like now I know, when I see a guy in the West Side Highway jerking off in plain daylight, that's not a homeless guy, that's a married man right there!" "He's got nowhere to go!" "Fuck it." "Fuck you, go ahead and look, man." "I got nothing to hide, where else I'm gonna do?" "It's not fair, man." "I'm 37 and I own my home." "I should be able to stand in the living room, "How you doing, honey?" "Good morning."" "But I can't." "I got to hide." "I'm down in the cellar, by the boiler, like a troll down there..." "Just fucking miserable." ""Oh, shit!"" "That's what it's like." "Masturbation doesn't bring much joy to guys." "Women seen to like masturbating." "They put flower petals in the pillow and they like, "Oh, me..." or whatever, you know." "With guys it's like, "Oh, shit..." "Goddammit."" "Some times you find ecstasy, but it's followed by the deepest self hate and depression you ever felt." "It's an amazing drop from way up here to this, like," ""Oh, yeah, ah..." "What the fuck is wrong with me?" "Goddammit!" "I got to get to work." "I don't have time for this shit right now."" "But them you get married, now you got to hide." "And you have to." "You have to hide." "Because when your wife catches you masturbating, that's sad for the whole family, that's not... not a good moment in a marriage." "She comes in the cellar, "Oh, my God!"" "And then she always want to know shit about it." "She always asks me stuff, my wife, like," ""Well, do you think about me when you're doing that?" "What are you, fucking high?" "Why would I do that?" "Why?" "I can think about anybody." "That's magical!" "Why the fuck would I..." "I'm married to you!" "What, do women really think their husbands go, "Oh, my wife!" "Oh, yeah, that's fucking hot!" "Oh, yeah!" "Pick her up at the airport and get yelled at, oh, that's fucking hot, yeah." ""Put it in the hamper, not on top, you idiot!", ah, I love when she talks like that, yeah!"" "But, you know, whatever." "We're a family." "We have a kid." "That changes everything." "And that's the whole thing." "The kid is everything." "Marriage is nothing." "Without a kid, marriage is dating." "It doesn't mean shit." "And you don't realize it until you have a kid." "Here's what happens, when you get married, you go," ""Holy shit, I can't leave now." "I mean, I wasn't thinking of leaving, but now I really can't leave." "Then you have a kid and go, "Holy shit, I could've left."" "I totally could've left." "Fucking door was right there." "Now I can't go." "I can't now." "I love my daughter." "It's a lot of responsibility that you never think about though, like, you gotta name your kid." "That's a big deal right there." "You know what's amazing to me?" "You can name your kid anything you want." "Isn't that incredible?" "There are no laws." "There should be a couple of laws." "None." "You can literally name your kid anything." "You can name your kid a name with no vowels, if you want, like Pnsndltndpff..." "Tssppfffffff, just forty Fs, that's his name, "Fffffffffffffff... go clean you room."" "Some people name their kids a word, like Sunshine or Battery or whatever." "I like to name a kid a whole phrase, you know, something like Ladies and Gentlemen, that would be a cool name for a kid." "This is my son, Ladies and Gentlemen." "Then when he gets out of hand, I get to go, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please!"" "But you gotta be careful when you name your kid." "You have to be careful because what happens is, other kids in school are gonna make fun of them." "Are gonna make fun of their name." "And you don't have to give em a weird name, cause they can do it with any name." "Kids are geniuses at that." "Any name, they take it, they go, Louie Screwie," "Joey Blowey, Mike Your-Mother's-a-Dyke, whatever, they find a way, these kids." "Any name, I mean, what's your name?" "Eric-Ya-Fuckin'" "Asshole." "See, just like that." "Lightning speed these kids got." "What's your name?" "Joe?" "Eat a bag of shit, cunt face!" "You see?" "Just like that." "He get that all through school and cry like a pussy, it's not gonna happen to my little girl." "My daughter is really something else, man She runs the house." "She runs the whole house." "She decides everything." "Like we are playing hide and seek the other day, we playing hide and seek, and we play by her rules that she invented." "And you know why?" "Because she sucks at hide and seek." "And so she covers it with these fucking ruse to level the playing field." "And I got to fucking pretend that's all that she's great." "No, it's bullshit." "Like, we're playing..." "No, fucking..." "I know she's a kid, but fucking listen." "When it's my turn to hide, she tells me where to hide." "She tells me where." "She goes, "Hide in the close, Papa."" ""But you're gonna know where..." "Hide in the closet!"" ""All right, fuck it, I'll hide in the closet, good, fine."" "I'm standing in the closet like an asshole." "She comes in, "I found you!" she's like shitty about it, like, "I found you!" and I'm like, "Wow!"" "How did you figured out where you told me to fucking hide?" "And then, when she hides, this is her hiding:" "she goes over to a wall and does this, she goes..." "That's it!" "There's nothing here." "What the fuck is this?" "Like this is some ninja invisibility crouch." "And I gotta act like an idiot, I can't just walk in and go, "Yeah, you're there,"" "cause she'll cry and shit her pants, right?" "So I got to walk around like an asshole, "Where is she?" "I have no idea where could she be."" "I'm making eye contact!" ""I don't see her."" "It's amazing to me." "The other day we're playing... this is how things have gotten in my house, OK?" "This is a very good example of how its gone." "We're playing a version of hide and seek where my wife and I have to decide together where to look." "She likes that, she's like, "Mom, you tell Papa where to look." OK, fine." "So, she's over there, hiding like this, just in plain sight, and my wife and I... my wife is like, "Why don't you look under the bed?"" "And I'm like, "OK." "She's not there!"" "Then she just says, "Why don't you look in the lining closet?"" ""OK." So I open the closet, she go, "That's not the lining closet." "We don't put that in here." "Oh, fucking Jesus, all right."" "So I'm looking in there... "Why would she be in that closet?" "That has shelves." "She can't stand in a shelf." "Well, maybe she's crawled in a shelf..."" "Now we're having a fight about were to look for this fucking kid who standing right there." "She totally runs the house." "We're..." "I remember Halloween, last year, couple of days before Halloween, my wife comes up to me and she's like," ""We have to get you a cat costume."" ""No, no we don't, actually."" ""No, we do, because she thinks you gonna be a cat, I don't..."" "It's like she got a..." "She's a guy with a gun in the other room, that's what it's like." ""She just thinks you're gonna be a cat." "I don't know how she got this in her head, but she expect you to be a cat in Halloween."" "I was going, "Tell her to go fuck herself, because I'm not doing that." "I'm not afraid of her." "She's 2, I fucking fight her." "I can take her." "I can beat the shit out of thousands of 2 years olds, all day, just walking around..." "They would never even gang up on me, they suck." "I'm not afraid of her."" "So my wife decided that she want to get pregnant again." "She decided." "And she's, back in August, she told me, "We need to be in town next week."" ""Why?"" ""Because I'm get my ovulation, so..."" "Like, not "do you want another kid?", just "be in town", that's how she handles this." "Like, "I'm not gonna..." "I don't want another kid, so fuck it."" "She's like, "all right."" "Next week she starts blowing me, right." "Now she isn't blowing me in..." "Jesus, I don't know if I ever been blowed." "That's how long it is." "She's blowing me on the day she's ovulating," "I'm a fucking idiot." "I'm like, "Yeah, you love it!" Like I think she digs me now." "Fucking stupid!" "So she's having another baby, any day now, she's do and..." "It's true." "Fucking..." "I'm like, "Mmmmmmm..." "OK." "No, no, it's great!"" "Fuck it." "Fuck it!" "That's really the attitude that keeps a family together." "It's not "we love each other," it's "fuck it, man." "Fuck it!"" "Fuck it." "Another kid." "Fuck it." "Why not?" "Let them all in..." "Good." "Fuck it." "But the problem is, we can't..." "we have no fucking money." "I don't know where she thinks the money is coming from." "We're so broke." "I'm so sick of being broke." "I'm broke all..." "I'm just always just keep digging this hole." "And most people are broke too." "That's the thing." "This country is just, everybody is broke." "That's why I don't..." "Look, I don't like George Bush, but I didn't like Kerry either, cause they're fucking both rich and they don't get it." "They don't know what is like to be poor." "But poor people know what is like to be rich." "They know exactly what is like, because they fantasize about it constantly." "Every poor person has their whole rich life all planned out." "Every detail." "I'm gonna have a house made of chocolate." "People are gonna blow me as I walk in each room, they're gonna be waiting." "I'm gonna wipe my ass with live rabbits and throw em out the window." "Got that all worked out." "But rich people don't fantasize about been poor, why the fuck would they do that?" "I got..." "I have to take a bus everywhere, yeah!" "I always been poor, my whole life, I fucking never had any money." "And I no..." "I don't care, I don't give a shit, but you know, there's a lot of people that are poor now." "Like, I was driving through upstate New York and there's people over there, man, their lives are just shitty." "Like, you ever drive through a whole town and you're like," ""What, a shit bomb go of in this place?" "What happened?"" "Everybody's life sucks in the whole town." "And you can tell, cause they're just standing in front of the houses, like..." "There's s bleak." "And a lot of people calls those people white trash." "And..." "I love that expression, "white trash," because it's the only racial expression that you can use and nobody gets offended." "Nobody gives a shit." "When you say white trash, nobody goes," ""Hei, don't talk like that about them." "It's not nice."" "Nobody defends white trash." "You could be talking with the most liberal hippie in the world, you go," ""Hei, I saw this guy, he was white trash." He'll go, "Haha, fuck that guy!"" "White trash loser." "I don't know, I just wanna be a good dad raise my daughter and..." "It's a complicated country, people get angry, everybody hates gay people." "I never understood anger towards gay people, because a person being gay doesn't affect your life, so is weird to me that people just like, they're in their homes going, "Oh, people are gay!" "Dammit!"" "Why do you care?" "I can understand hating gay people if say like, you're mowing your lawn and two guys are blowing each other right on the grass." ""Ah, I gotta cut around you faggots every Sunday." "I'm sick of this shit!"" "Or say you're eating your breakfast in the morning and you about to put your spoon in the cereal bowl and two guys are touching dicks right in front of you." ""Hei, come on!" "I gotta get to work, I don't have time to dodge your dicks with my spoon!" "Fucking homos, get out of my kitchen!"" "I hope I'm a better parent than my parents were." "My parents were not good parents." "My parents, here's a typical example, my parents, this is a true story, I swear to God." "My parents send me to summer camp when I was in the 3rd grade." "It's a good idea, right?" "But they didn't look into the camps, they just chosen one out of the phone book, randomly." "And I swear to God this happened." "I get there, it's a camp for all retarded kids." "I swear to God." "I went to camp for retarded kids." "I swear to God." "I'll never forget the moment I arrived, I looked around and I realized, "Holy shit!" "I'm retarded!" "I didn't think I was, but I must be."" "I'm was the only kid that was not." "This is how they chosen to tell me, this is it?" ""Just send him to the camp, fuck it, he'll figure it out." "He's retarded, he's not stupid."" "I loved there." "It was great!" "Everybody is nice, every game is a tie, just gold medals for everybody, it was awesome!" "Here's the thing:" "I never, never, never, never judge other parents now." "I never do." "I used to, but I never do." "Like you know when you see a mother in McDonald's or some place, or in a toy store, and she's just melting down on her kid, she's like, "Shut up!" "I hate you!" "You're ugly!"" "And people are standing around going, "Oh, my goodness!" "She's a horrible mother!"" "Well, guess what, these people aren't fucking parents." "They don't have kids." "Cause any parents who are in that store are thinking," ""What did that shitty kid do to that poor woman?" "That poor woman." "I wish I could help."" "Cause you don't know, man." "You don't know." "Or like when you see a parent that seems to be negligent, like, you see a parent in McDonald's with the kid, and the parent is like, "I can't take this shit anymore." Just collapsed," "and all the shopping bags are just thrown everywhere." "And the kid is happy, the kid is eating french fries." "And the kid ask a question, like, "Mama, why is the sky blue?"" "And she's like, "Just shut up and eat your french fries."" "And you think, "What a terrible mother!" "Why doesn't she answer her child?" "When I have a child, I will answer all of their questions." "And open their minds to the wonders of the world."" "Well, guess what?" "You don't know what the fuck you're talking about!" "You can't answer a kid's question." "They don't accept any answer." "A kid never goes, "Oh, thanks, I get it." They fucking never say that." "They just keep coming, more questions, "Why?" "Why?" "Why?"" "Until you don't even know who the fuck you are anymore at the end of the conversation." "It's an insane deconstruction." "It's ama..." "This is my daughter the other day. she's like," ""Papa, why can't we go outside?" "Well, cause it's raining."" ""Why?"" ""Well, water's coming out of the sky."" ""Why?"" ""Because it was in a cloud."" ""Why?"" ""Well, clouds form..." "when there's vapor."" ""Why?"" ""I don't know." "I don't know, that's..." "I don't know any more things." "Those are all the things I know."" ""Why?"" ""Because I'm stupid, okay?" "I'm stupid."" ""Why?"" ""Well, because I didn't pay attention in school, OK?" "I went to school, but I didn't listen in class."" ""Why?"" ""Cause I was high all the time." "I smoked too much pot."" ""Why?"" ""Cause my parents gave me no guidance." "They didn't give a shit."" ""Why?"" ""Cause they fucked in a car and had me and they resented me for taking their youth."" ""Why?"" ""Because they had bad morals, they just had no compass."" ""Why?"" ""Cause they had shitty parents." "It just keeps going like that."" ""Why?"" ""Cause, fuck it, we're alone in the universe." "Nobody gives a shit about us."" "I'm going to stop here to be polite to you for a second." "But this goes on for hours and hours and it gets so weird and abstract, at the end it's like, "Why?" ""Well, because some things are, and some things are not."" ""Why?"" ""Well, because things that are not can't be!"" ""Why?"" ""Because then nothing wouldn't be!" "You can't have fucking nothing isn't!" "Everything is!"" ""Why?"" ""Cause if nothing wasn't, there'd be fucking all kinds of shit that we don't like!" "Giant ants with top hats dancing around!" "There's no room for all that shit!"" ""Why?" "Aw, fuck you!" "Eat your french fries you little shit, goddammit!"" "Thank you very much, everybody!" "Good night." "Thank you!"