"It was definitely right to end it when it did." "To come back now would be mad." "Everyone must agree you couldn't carry it on for years." "There was nowhere left for us to take it." "Not even a debate for me that that was right." "Not even a part of me thinks we could do another one." "We just mustn't." "("THE OFFICE" THEME PLAYS)" "We were nobodies." "We hadn't written, directed or acted before." "The reason they let us get on with it is 'cause it didn't cost much." "(PHONE RINGS)" "David Brent." "One of the cast requirements was that we weren't famous." "There's no point in doing a mock documentary if Julia Sawalha is playing the receptionist." "Dawn Tinsley, receptionist!" " Been with us for ages, haven't you?" " Yeah." "At one time or another, every bloke in the office has woken up at the crack of Dawn!" "What?" "!" "The first time "The Office" went out, it wasn't greatly, greatly watched or greatly fêted." "After the focus group, they could have pulled it." "We got the joint lowest score ever of any focus group along with women's bowls." " Pretty bad." " It must have been worrying for the BBC." "You're a twat, Gareth." "A twat and a knob end." " Not listening, so it's not offending me." " So you won't hear this." "You're a cock!" "You're a cock!" "It was this show that was on BBC Two, Monday night, with no stars in it, that could easily have fallen by the wayside, and it didn't, and it really hit." "You become known and that's weird." "Everyone has their experiences." "I knew the show had taken off when I was walking home one night and I was recognised by" " I don't know what the PC word for them is - a tramp." "A hobo." "A "homeless"." "He came up to me." "He was a proper one, a young one." ""Ah!" "Oh, man!" I don't know where the homeless watch it." "Through Dixons' window?" "He went, "Oh, man!" "I've just been to HMV and nicked a load of your DVDs!"" "I get recognised all the time." "I've just moved into a place close to a sixth-form college, and that can be a nightmare at lunchtime or home time." "They all go crazy if a pack of them see Gareth walking past, so I've learnt all the detours." "It is creepy being recognised, having your picture taken walking along the street." "If you handle it well, there's nothing to worry about." "Some people court it." "Some people that get in trouble with the tabloids, they do court it." "What you don't do is go out every night and be seen coming out of Stringfellows pissed up or coked up, with a slapper." " Know what I mean?" " I gotta do something with me Tuesday nights." "'Cause at the moment, you know..." "You will never work in a place like this again." "Fact." "You'll never have another boss like me, someone who's a chilled-out entertainer." "I've so many favourite scenes." "My favourite scenes from "The Office"..." "My favourite scenes?" "Uh..." "# Free love on the free love freeway" "# The love is free and the freeway's long" "# I got some hot love on the hot love highway" "# Ain't goin' home 'cause my baby's gone # She's gone" "# Free love on the free love freeway #" "My favourite episode is still episode four, series one." "I thought episode four of series one was really good." "It's so boring, but everybody says episode four, with the training and the guitar thing." "# Ah ah ah ah aaahhh" "# She's gone, yeah #" "My favourite scene from that episode is where I declare that my fantasy would be..." "Two lesbians, probably." "Sisters." "I'm just watching." "It still makes me cringe and laugh." "OK." "Um..." "Tim, do you have one?" "I never thought I'd say this, but can I hear more from Gareth?" "I like the Comic Relief episode." "I thought that was funny." "I love that crazy dance you do." "It has just been shown so many times." "I'm almost..." " Please!" "Please, no." "I'm sick of it." " Don't mention it, then, or I will..." " It is just..." " Don't mention it, then!" "Please, never do it..." "Cut!" "I honestly don't remember doing it." "I look like an orang-utan." "I didn't realise my legs are so short." "I've got a pot belly." " A ridiculous look on my face." " That is how you look." "I know!" "The last episode of series two is incredible." "Dawn." "Dawn, could I just have a word in here?" "I love the point when he takes off his microphone and everything goes quiet for that last few minutes." "(DAWN) It seemed to last an age when you were watching it." "Surely we can't do this." "People will turn up their volume, thinking, "What's happened to my TV?"" "Everyone since then has said, "What did you and Martin say?"" "It's so weird because when someone asked me, it felt private." "That's ridiculous." "Why would it feel private?" "And I was like, "I'm gonna keep that to myself." It's stupid!" "Why would I do that?" "It's acting!" "If you want the rainbow, you've gotta put up with the rain." "Do you know which philosopher said that?" "Dolly Parton." "And people say she's just a big pair of tits!" "We were gonna end it after the second series, but we thought we could have a cliffhanger, make that complete and then come back and tie up the loose ends." "(STEVE) When we came to write the specials, we took a visit to Slough with our friend, comedian Jimmy Carr, who drove us 'cause he's from Slough." "We're looking for a place where David Brent would live." "Quite a nice new estate, not too expensive, but not too terrible." " Jimmy, this looks perfect." " Fisher-Price mansions." "(JIMMY) It's a mix of flats and houses." "They're all new-builds." "(RICKY) This is perfect." "I think David Brent lives here." "We tried to get together for a read-through." "Everyone just reads the scripts and we make any changes." "But it was impossible this time." "Everyone was doing films." "Mackenzie was." "Lucy was in America, I think." "Couldn't get together." "I think it was me, Ricky and Howard Brown from the Halifax?" "I only made the last hour 'cause I was opening a leisure centre with Big Keith." " That's not his real name." " It is now." "Changed it." "Two series, two Christmas specials, never paid attention." "I had to say, "You can't muck around." "It's all film in the camera." "I'll do what I want!"" "Did you see that?" "Did you see him nod at me?" " He went..." " (MAN) Rick, can you concentrate?" "With the Christmas specials, he was no different." "Still winding up Martin, still trying to ruin scenes by telling him stupid stuff." "On the way to work, maybe Ricky had had one of his "great ideas", as I like to call them, and thought, "Not only can I make the working day longer," ""but how can I make it less productive?"" "Quiet, please!" "(MARTIN) 'Cause he knows I will sometimes laugh at what he does, he created a whole new bit of business." "# I'm comin' up" "# So you better get a party started" "# Sh-mowa!" "#" "(CREW LAUGH)" "He can't stop a take." "He has to go with it." "If he laughs, it's his fault." "So it was not only "Sh-mowa!" There was also, "Tim, Timbo..." "Timber."" "He made this kind of sound like, "Timber!"" "Hey!" "Timbo!" "Timber!" "Also Tim Canterbury, which led to the Bishop of Canterbury." "Tim Canterbury." "Archbishop of Canterbury." "Bishop Muzorewa!" ""Bishop Muzorewa," he said, which is a name I have not heard since about 1980." "It really made me laugh. "Bishop Muzorewa!"" "It's all good stuff." "It's all good work." "OK." "So that's what I'm gonna say." "(MAN) Is it, though?" "There he is, Mr Canterbury." "Archbishop of Canterbury." "Bishop Muzorewa." "Bashing the bishop!" "I know exactly why he did that." "It's because he wanted to see me, the more professional and experienced actor, fumble." "Slate 89." "Take 10." "(RICKY LAUGHS)" "And then there's pictures drawn." "Lots of pictures of unspeakable things." "Slate 85." "Take eight." "Ricky likes to draw pictures and present them to you nonchalantly so the camera can't see." "Just below the camera level he'll present something horrific." " It's not right, is it?" " It's not right." "I've got those pictures." "They're safe." "They're my "Diana letters"." "From the start, I know, everybody had quite liked to think of a romantic ending." "People initially thought David was the focus of the show, but it was always Tim and Dawn." " Their storyline was the heart of the show." " No." "I've just heard you're leaving." " Blimey!" " Say it isn't so." " It gets around fast!" " It's true?" "Yeah." " Were you gonna tell me or...?" " God, yeah!" "Steve Merchant had rung me and said," ""We've shot ourselves in the foot by sending Dawn and Lee off to Florida." ""We've got to get her back."" "It's so cheap, you can live on a pittance." "Our situation here is almost as good as it was in Slough." "Definitely." "If a documentary crew is making a documentary, they can invite people back." "What if we were able to arrange for you to go back?" " There's a million reasons we can't go." " "Arrange it"?" "If we took care of things, would you go back?" " Of course." " Let's talk about it first!" "Was that a genuine offer?" "Documentaries do that." "People think they don't interfere, but they do." "I was always worried about interfering watching wildlife documentaries." "When I was growing up, I was thinking, they go, "The lion's seen the young antelope."" "I was thinking, if I was watching that, I'd go, "Run!" "There's a fucking lion!"" "And they never did." "I hated it when the lion ate this creature in front of everybody." "I said to my mum, "Why didn't they stop it?" She said, "You can't interfere with nature."" "So if the lion turned on David Attenborough, they'd go, "Sorry, David."" ""He's eating me bollocks!"" "You can be ripped apart if you're an impala, but not if you're David Attenborough." "One law for Attenborough, one for the little impala." "A new Dawn." "She looks a bit..." "A younger model, though." "I'm not a model." "Not as bright as Dawn." "(DAWN) When I first got the scripts," "I was like, "Yeah, let's see what happens." I didn't know." "I decided to take it to my local coffee shop and read it, and it was a joy." "As soon as the bit came where Dawn was getting out the car, to come back to Wernham Hogg to see everybody, I had these tingles up my spine!" " Hello!" " How are you doing?" "No Lee?" "No, he's at his mum's." "It was, "What's gonna happen?"" "That's mad, 'cause reading something doesn't normally make me have that reaction." "Then I cried." " Still, this has been nice." " It has." " A good night." " Yeah." "Good seeing you again." "Look after yourself." "Have a good life." " Keep in touch." " I'll write." "No, I will." "I will." "Anyway... (TIM) After the second part of the Christmas special..." " Nice seeing you." " You, too." "...I got about, um, 14 texts on my phone from various people, just saying, "I'm crying."" "Mum and Dad had been out at a friend's house and they'd asked for it to be put on." "The moment where Dawn had come back into the party to get her man, this roar had gone up of joy." "Careful." "She's got a fiancé." "I haven't." "Not any more." "We worked hard all the way through to make sure the love story was quite classic, traditional." "Yeah." "Like sort of Shakespeare." " Like Shakespeare?" " Yeah." " What Shakespeare?" "I know you're a fan (!" ")" " I do like Shakespeare." "Don't be fooled by this image." "I love it." " What sort of...?" " Like "Romeo and Juliet"." " Tim and Dawn, Romeo and Juliet." " In what way?" " Huh?" " You've read "Romeo and Juliet"?" " Yeah." "Seen it." " What happens in "Romeo and Juliet"?" "Lots!" "Lots of stuff." "They, um..." "They, er..." "They meet and they sort of fall in love." " Mm-hm." " But 'cause it's olden days, they, er... all dressed differently, but..." "After they meet, it's about two hours of Shakespeare stuff." "Can't understand what they're saying 'cause it's all gobbledegook, but it doesn't matter in that because love is blind and deaf, so it doesn't matter." " Right." " Then she plays hard to get for a while." "She's on the balcony and he goes, "Why are you up there?"" "She's going, "Come up if you want some." She lets her hair down." "He climbs up." " And..." " They're straight to it." "Sure." "Gives her one!" "Do you like it?" "I'll put that on you." "Brilliant." "Twice." "I was already wet, so the joke's on her." "Prick!" "Tart!" "Oh, I could have..." "The fact that for a long time it was bleak, in many ways, and then a journalist wrote "The weather broke." I really liked that phrase." "Out of everything that happened, suddenly, without being over the top," "Brent had some hope in his life, he told Finchy to fuck off - the best moment for me." "That is probably the only scene where I got an adrenalin rush just saying it." "Chris, why don't you fuck off?" "The important thing was a change in attitude." "Nothing definitive." "He just went to Finch, "Fuck off!" I really enjoyed doing that." "I'm beginning to wonder if your heart is really in this job." "You shouldn't be there." "You don't work here." "Look at the boss, with his little boss face." "At the end, there was no particular closure for Gareth, where there was for Brent and Dawn and Tim, but I think that's absolutely right." "I think about what Gareth could be doing now, and the fact is, he'd be at Wernham Hogg, in much the same position as he always was." "If you look at it in ten years' time, he'd still be in pretty much the same position." "I think that Dawn and Tim will naturally have moved in together." "It won't be, "Let's spend 18 months together and decide."" "I think he would still be there, but maybe a bit happier." "It would be nice to go, "She's got a man and now she's a famous illustrator."" "But it's Slough and I think probably she still will be a receptionist but dead happy." "Wrong!" " That's a bit ungracious." " They've got no idea." "Actors go, "I think they'll be doing this." They'll be doing whatever I fuckin' write!" "Learn the lines." "That's ungracious." "They can think where they might be." "Don't try and worm your way into writing." "You're actors." "You're hired hands." "Um..." "You know what this is about." "You've seen the picture of David on the computer." " I saw it." " We've all had a bit of a laugh." " It's funny." " There's a time when the joking has to stop." "People ask me if I'm worried about escaping the shadow of "The Office"" "and is Gareth my "Rodney Trotter"?" "I had a dream the other night that I went on to do my own studio-based sitcom," ""Gareth Keenan Investigates", where he opens a private investigation agency." "Studio-based with canned laughter." "And this sitcom was so poorly received that it ended up with the original series being stripped of its BAFTAs." "It's hard to escape the, uh, part of Dawn." "You have to be careful with your choices." "I'm not gonna play a receptionist for a while." "The happiness about being involved in it outweighs the worry about escaping the shadow." "If people are still shouting "Timl" at me when I'm 55, I will understand it, but I'll wonder why I haven't done something else that makes them not shout "Tim!" at me." "There are a lot worse things to be shouted." "Most of them were shouted during the filming of the show!" "If I'm always associated with Gareth Keenan, then that's not a bad thing to be associated with." "# So what becomes of you, my love" "# When they have finally stripped you of" "# The handbags and the glad rags" "# That your grandad had to sweat so you could buy?" "#" "I was in New York last week for the Peabody Awards." "At the end, a girl came up to me who had lots of DVDs to sign and everything." "She said she'd flown from Canada to New York in order to meet someone from "The Office"." "That made me take a step back and go, "Oh, my God!" "That is mad."" "I don't know that I'll do anything that has that kind of impact again." "Where can you go from there?" "We predicted that we'd be pleased with it." "But, no, you could never dream of the success." "There is a fondness knowing that we were all part of the same gang in a job well done." "# Sing a song of sixpence for your sake" "# And take a bottle full of rye" "# Four and twenty blackbirds in a cake" "# And bake 'em all in a pie" "# They told me you missed school today" "# So I suggest you just throw away" "# The handbags and the glad rags" "# That your grandad had to sweat so you could buy" "# Hey, hey, baby" "# They told me you missed school today" "# So I suggest you just throw them all away" "# The handbags and the glad rags" "# That your grandad had to sweat so you could buy" "# Oh, baby" "# Bye-bye" "# Oh, bye-bye #" "I'd be hard-pushed to find a job where you laughed as much every day and where you were genuinely that happy to go to work." "I can't see a situation where we'd all be back together as one team working together." "Yeah, that's sad." "That's sort of the end of an era." "I'm just sorry that we won't work together again." "It's pretty sad." "Get over it." "Harsh." ""We're not gonna work together again."" "Next?" " It's tough." "Where you going?" " Eh?" " Is that it, then, is it?" " I've got a sauna." "Stitch-up." "It was a stitch-up." "They filmed hours of material and most of it is a good bloke doing a good job of work, and the one time I accidentally headbutt an interviewee makes it to the programme, you're gonna look a prat." "You headbutt a girl on telly and you're labelled a prat, and that's the game." "The BBC must have taken about eight hours' footage a day." "They got it back and most of it was, "Look, here's a good guy." ""He's their friend as well as their boss." ""He's a motivator, an entertainer." ""It's good stuff." "Oh, he's made one mistake." "Shall we cut that out?" ""No!" "What?" "Put that bit in." "Cut the other stuff out." ""We want a scapegoat." "We wanna dumb down." "We want the biggest plonker of the year."" "You know." "I'm not a plonker." "(KNOCKS ONCE)" " Yes?" " Gareth, it's the stuff for Milson's." " Remember I'm going early tonight." " Hmm?" " I'm going early." " I said it was all right, did I?" "Yes, you did, Gareth." " Yep, there it is." " Good." "I'm so pleased." "Gareth, are these the keys to your office?" "(GARETH SHOUTS)" "Oliver!" "He's locked me in again!" "Oliver!" "(PHONE RINGS)" " Hello?" " Unlock it now." "It's not funny." " What if there was a fire?" " Who is this?" " Who do you think?" "Father Christmas?" " Don't believe in you." "Mel, if Gareth rings..." "Don't pick it up." "Hello?" "Yeah." "What did he say?" "Does he want you..." "Listen..." "Can I have those keys?" "He wants me to let him out." " It's gonna be a bit of fun." " But he's asked me and I just..." "I'll just open it." "There's not really a problem." "Here we are." "Caught me in me local fruit-and-veg emporium." " Do you come here a lot?" " Big time." "You need to stay healthy when you're on the road." "Although the only fruit I like is the bananas." "Yeah, and we all know what you do with them!" "Shove 'em up me ar..." "Gay." "I'm not." "He knows I'm not." "Although fruit is very versatile, isn't it?" " Feeling cold, David?" " Mine's shrivelled." "He thinks we're mad." " All right?" " Do I know you?" "We're just doing a follow-up." " To what?" " To the documentary that went out." " You were in a documentary?" " Yeah." " What was it?" " Come on!" " Are you that fat one from "The Airport"?" " Obviously not." "Wernham Hogg." " Wernham Hogg?" "What was it about?" " Following me around at work." " Not "The Airport"?" " No." " I don't recognise you." " You do." "You're on the right lines." " Are you famous?" " Penny's dropped!" " Can I have your autograph?" "You got a pen?" " I got a pen." " What's your name?" " David." " From one David to another." " Is your name David?" "Oh, for f..." "Yes!" "He knows who I am." " Does that happen a lot?" " Getting recognised?" "Yeah." "Usually they know specifically who I am." "He recognised me." "He'll kick himself later." "Is it ever a problem?" "You get the odd person who doesn't appreciate what you're doing." " Shouts silly things, but..." " What sort of things?" ""You beardy twat." "Pug-nosed gimp." "Lard boy."" "And I go, "Yeah?" "What have you ever done on telly?" "Nothing." "So don't..."" ""Absolutely Flabulous."" "Ooh!" "Hello!" "Um..." "Right." "I've got a meeting with Ray Howells, the building manager here at the Park Conference Centre." " Are you a door-to-door salesman?" " No!" "I don't go cold-calling, trying to sell people clothes pegs and dusters." "I do sell dusters, but that's about five per cent of what, you know, we do." "That's bins, floors, worktops, glass." "Best till last, OK?" "Take one of these little fellas." "I'm gonna dip it in there, like that." "It's nearly dry." "All I'm gonna do, just a circular motion on the wall." "Because of the texture and quality of the chammy, that's coming off with tap water." "No solvents." "It won't discolour the paint." "With this, I'm removing the stain job, not the paint job." "That's done." "That's dry again." "You can use that again." "Fine." "Can I take a dozen to start with?" "Sold to that man." "OK, yeah, sure." "Start off like that and then let's see." "Can I ask you summat?" "Who does your tampons?" "Back again!" "A new Dawn." "She looks a bit..." "A younger model, though." "I'm not a model." "Not as bright as Dawn." " Hiya." " How are you, David?" " Hiya." " Hello." "Timbo." "Timbo." " What's the crack?" " Just the same old stuff." " Cromwell still on your case?" " Yeah." "Remember what I said about Trevor?" "You can tell when he's lying - his lips move!" "See you later, mate." "Keenan in?" "I bought that from Halfords." " Here he is!" " Grrrr!" " He nicked me job." " Didn't nick it." " I didn't want it." " He begged for it back." " Didn't!" "What are you talking about?" " He's here more often now than then!" " Exaggerating!" " Always nice to see you." " It's nice for them to see me." " Bit disruptive." "It's good for them, good for the company and you." "Learn that!" " Always nice to see you." " And for them." " He's here an awful lot." " I never outstay my welcome." " Perhaps you should call ahead." " No!" "You're not a doctor!" "Hardly likely to be a doctor, but when I am..." "No." "Six years' medical training." "He's got one O level." " Always welcome, but call ahead." " I'm not gonna call ahead." " Then I'll lock the door." " Yeah?" "I'll still get in." " Should phone ahead." " I'm not gonna call ahead." "I can only give you ten minutes, David." " What do you mean?" " Er, busy." "I'm busy." "I did 60 hours last week." "I know how many hours you do." "He forgets that." " Should phone ahead." " I'm not gonna call ahead." "I did learn a lot from David." "I learnt from his mistakes." "OK, we're very different people." "He used humour where I use discipline." "And I learnt that nobody respected him." "In a war, if you want your platoon to go over the top with you to certain death, it's no good saying to them, "Please come with me." "I'll tell you a joke."" "It's a direct order, "Come with me."" "They'll go, "He's got good leadership skills." "Let's go with him to our certain death."" "And, also, if you're laughing in the jungle, you'll give away your position to the enemy." " Want me to send that?" " Please, yeah." "OK." "Want me to send it out as it is?" "It's got your signature on it." " Um, yeah." " You're happy with it?" " Seems fine." " Yeah, fine." "You're right." "It is 2002." "Oh, it's the wrong date." "I'll change it." "Don't worry." "I'll do it." "Wouldn't you be happier over there with the rest of the finance department?" "No." "God, I spent a week over there." "Whingeing lot." "And that big Keith, he's grotesque, isn't he?" "I didn't like it." "I couldn't breathe." "I had to get out." "I couldn't stand it." "It was so confined and I needed the space." "Is that more comfy?" "Is that more comfy now?" "Oh, you're so good!" "Aw!" "Oh, bless you!" "Bless you!" "That's so clever." "So are you actually living here now?" "It's sort of complicated because..." "I know this is a bit naughty." "This won't go out over here, will it?" "We're being naughty because you are meant to go home after 90 days." "We're bending the rules and having an extended holiday." "What are you doing for money?" "Um, odds and ends, really." "Cash-in-hand stuff for friends of Lee's sister." "He's doing gardening and things." "And I'm unofficial babysitter." " This is Ryan." "Say hello, Ryan." "Jackie's baby." " And Jackie is...?" "Jackie is Lee's sister and Gary is Jackie's husband." "This is their place." "And we've been here for how long?" "It's rent free." "Rent's the biggest expenditure, normally." "We're not paying any." "Not paying rent, so..." "It's so cheap, you can live on a pittance." "Our situation here is almost as good as it was in Slough." "Definitely." "Definitely." "(TIM) I had feelings for Dawn, obviously." "And I realise now that well, we were really good friends, and I misinterpreted that friendship for something." "And that wasn't how she was feeling and it got a bit out of proportion in my mind, I guess." "And I really wish I hadn't done what I did." "But I did." "But, you know, she's cool." "Lee's fine." "She said no to me." "And they're fine." "So there's no harm done." "It's all cool." "From what I hear, they're loving it out there, apparently." "Hmm." "It's a little bit different now, though, because Gareth is not General Manager like I was when I was here." "I was sort of omnipotent and he's doing a much more watered-down version." "That was 'cause of your redundancy." "They couldn't call it the same." "He sued them." " Did you win?" " Oh yes." " They had to pay you off." " Out-of-court settlement." " Quite a lot of money." " Wasted most of it." " I didn't waste it." " Tell her what you spent it on." " I released my own single, if that's a waste." " It didn't even get in the top 100!" "Good." "Didn't want it to." "Next?" "How much did that cost, putting out a single?" ""Cost" is a bit misleading because I paid for everything." "Studio time, PR costs." " Roughly, how much did you spend?" " Roughly?" "£42,000." "But that's all outgoings." "That's not taking into account the money I made from the singles sold." " How much did you make?" " I had my own label, "Juxtaposition"." "Um, I was taking the lion's share, so I made £1 profit for every single sold." "How many records did you sell?" " Uh, 50, something like that, overall." " Sorry?" " 150." " That was mainly to friends and family." " They were only buying them out of sympathy." " Definitely not." " I bought five out of sympathy." " You bought 'em for your mates." " They're still in the garage." " Why..." "# If you don't know me by now" "# You will never, never, never know me" "# Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh" "# All the things" "# That we've been through" "# You should understand me" "# Like I understand you" "# Now, girl, I know the difference" "# Between right and wrong" "# Oh, I ain't gonna do nothin'" "# To break up our happy home" "# Woh, don't get so excited" "# I get home a little late at night" "# 'Cause we only act like children" "# When we argue, fuss and fight, woh" "# If you don't know me by now" "# If you don't know me" "# You will never, never, never know me" "# Ooh" "# No, you won't, no" "# If you don't know me by now" "# If you don't know me" "# You will never, never, never know me" "# Ooh" "# No, you won't #" " Any calls?" " No." " Janet hasn't called?" " No." "You see all these white middle-class fuddy-duddies going," ""We've got to find the new equivalent."" "Dr Dre, Ice-T." "They're the equivalent of Wordsworth." " Hello." " Hiya." "All right?" " Yep." "Doing all right?" " I think so." "Ask these." "They know!" "I'm repping in the day." "I like that." "And at night I do me celebrity appearances." "500 quid a time." "Is that enough jobs for you?" " Great." " How are you doing?" "Good, thanks, yeah." " You're not keeping them from their work?" " A morale boost helps them work." "They're loving it." "Look at their faces!" "Yes, I can see that." "Don't over-excite them." " No." "Try not to." " See you later." "See you later." "Oh, dear! "How's it going?" I think he knows full well how well it's going." "I'm lucky!" " Do you resent Neil?" " The man or the boss?" " Either." " Neither." "Next?" "Do you miss being in the office environment?" "Um, I am in the office environment." "If you've got a mobile phone you're in the office." "I can be in my office, bombing along at 70 miles an hour plus, 70 miles an hour tops, yeah?" "I can pull over safely, make a phone call." ""Hi, Paula, it's David." "Can you fax me those important facts and figures asap?"" "You've got a fax machine in the car?" "Not in the car, but I can get to somewhere that has, call her again." ""Hi, I'm here now." "Fax it now." "I'm in the Ramada Inn, Reading." "Look it up."" "That's..." "So..." "OK." "Thank you for coming." "Uh, three o'clock on the 14th." "Fortnightly management meeting, chaired by myself." " You've got your agendas." " Gareth." " What?" " Can I add something to the agenda?" "No." "You know you cannot submit something to be discussed during the meeting." "(BOTH) It has to be submitted before two so it can be typed up." " The agenda has been typed up." " I got this after two o'clock." " I couldn't have got it in before." " Wait till next time." "Why don't I give you the information now?" "Mike thinks his quotes don't include VAT." "La-la-la!" "I did not officially hear that." "You know the rules." " I cannot possibly get this on the agenda?" " No." " No way I can get this on the agenda?" " No." " What's point seven on the agenda?" " "Any other business"." " Can I say it then?" " Yes." " I'll wait till then." " Right." "Enough of this tomfoolery." "Were you embarrassed when Tim asked you out?" " Which time?" " Shut up!" "Um, to be honest, I didn't know what to say, really." "You did - you said no." "No, I mean, um, I was just kind of mortified for Tim more than me." " Anyway, it's a million miles away now." " And..." "Can we not talk about it, for Tim's sake?" "I don't wanna hurt Tim's feelings." "OK?" "Well, look, everyone saw it, so I'm bang to rights." "I told Dawn how I felt and she, you know..." "People are afraid to show their emotions because they don't want their mates to take the piss." "But luckily I have no mates!" "So, um..." "Actually, when that bit went out on telly," "I was watching it with my family and I was mortified, and my grandmother said," ""I'm not surprised she chose the other fella." "I wouldn't kick him out of bed!"" "So, Lee, if you're watching and you get ever bored of being with someone with her own teeth, Nana's up for it!" "Is he in?" "Oh!" "Hey!" " Never mind all that." " The Brent meister!" "How you doing, boy?" " All right, David?" " Not too bad." " So how's life on the road?" " Pretty good." "You should know!" " A few perks, aren't there?" " What sort of perks?" "Use your imagination." "Young, free and single." "Motels!" " Girls?" " Don't be blatant about it." " Is that not what you meant?" " Don't try and work out if I'm getting any." "You should know." "You don't know." "You're stuck behind a desk." " I wouldn't if I could now." " Why not?" " I'm getting married." " Yeah, I heard." "Congratulations!" " Who to?" " Her name's Rebecca." "We've been going out about six years." "Doing the honourable thing now." " When's the wedding?" " Not till next year." " I'll be bloody married by then!" " Who to?" " A year is a long time." " Are you dating anyone?" "Dating?" "!" "Grandad!" " Course he's not." " I'm out all the time." "Not tied to one." " Picture of her." " Good." " Stunner, isn't she?" " Stunner?" "Sexist!" " I prefer someone a bit more intellectual." " She's a doctor." "You've never seen a girl like that before - not without a staple through her stomach!" "Come off it!" "That's degrading to a GP." " So, well done." "Congratulations." " Thank you." " Are you bringing a date to the party?" " Uh?" " Bringing one of your chicks to the party?" " Yeah." " So you need two tickets, then?" " Yep." "Put me down for two." "Buy two, get one free." "One for me, one for a woman with me." " Yep." " Great." "Yeah." "See you there, with a lady." "Yeah, I have girlfriends, on and off." "They come and go." "In, out, shake it all about." "When was the last time you had an actual girlfriend?" "I don't look at it as when." "I look at it as who and why, yeah?" "It's like..." "I realised it was a heavy gig so I've gotta go... if I'm going out with a girl..." "Who?" "Why?" "I see it that if I'm having fun with a girlfriend or a girl/friend, whatever, it's gotta be, "Oh, that was fun." "Good." "Can we do it again tomorrow, David?"" ""Can't tomorrow." "Doing summat else." "What are you doing?"" ""Back off." "Ask me no questions, I'll tell you no lies."" " So you're not looking for a relationship?" " I'm not shopping for one." "Browsing." "If I see a bargain, I've got the money." "So..." "That's a metaphor." "I'd never pay for it." "Here we are." "Mumbo Jumbo's." "Smell the stale beer." "I love it!" "Here we go." "Mumbo Jumbo's." ""Surprise TV Personality."" "They haven't put it's me here, which is annoying, so my fan base won't know I'm on." "Here he is." "I'd like to complain about this poster, please." "Peter, my agent." "He runs the agency that's taken me on, doing all the PAs and stuff." "What sort of agency is it?" "A bit of everything, really." "Um..." "Um..." "Tell them what sort of stuff you do." "Well, we have celebrities, like David." "Um..." "We have bands." " Tribute acts." " Tribute bands." " Just like the real thing but cheaper." " And lookee-likees." " Tell them what lookee-likees you've got." " I've got Kirk Douglas." " Michael Douglas." " Michael Douglas, his son." " He looks like him." " He does." "He looks just like him." "And what does he do?" " Er, well, he'll just turn up at a party." " You can hire him." "Yeah." "And he'll just wander around looking like..." "like Michael Douglas." "Actually, I'm thinking of, um, getting a Catherine Zeta Jones." " Good idea." " 'Cause... a lot of people don't realise who he is." "They think he's some old bloke at a party." "Got any lookalikes of me so I don't have to turn up to these things?" " You're nowhere near famous enough." " No, I was joking." "You're meant to big me up." "I have been given an opportunity that would literally be a sin to waste." "So build on it." "They took a normal guy and said, "Let's see what the nation thinks"." "And the nation seems to be saying, "Yeah!" "What else you got?"" "So duty calls, you know." "I seem to be able to give pleasure." " It's two minutes to 1am." " (CROWD) Hooray!" "That's right, folks." "Sarah Whatmore is in the house!" "(CHEERING)" "One of the "Pop Stars" rejects, with a single out soon." "She's performing live in 20 minutes." "Let me tell you, lads, she is looking hot!" "# Feelin' hot, hot, hot" "Before that, a special treat." "From the BBC Two documentary "The Office", some of you might have bought his single, though probably not - it got to number 400!" "Let's give him a big Mumbo Jumbo's welcome, David Brent!" " Good to see you!" " It got to 113." " What are you up to at the moment?" " Just doing this at the moment!" "No, generally." "You've got loads on." "Yeah, doing more of these, doing my walks for Mencap." "And I've got lots of stuff in the pipeline." " What sort of stuff in the pipeline?" " Even more of these, um..." " Opportunities, really." " Great." "Great!" " What are you doing for us this evening?" " Eh?" " What have you got planned?" " He just said come and say hello." " That's it?" " Yeah." "Give him a big hand, David Brent!" "# Feelin' hot, hot, hot" "# Feelin' hot, hot, hot" "Someone, who shall remain nameless, has persuaded yours truly to, er..." "It's a bit of a laugh, really." " Dating service." "Online dating." " I'm going along with it." "Try anything once." "Variety is the spice of life." "Living la vida loca." "La dolce vita." "Voulez-vous coucher avec moi?" "Know what that means?" " "Will you go to bed with me?"" " I hope no French women apply!" " I love French girls." " So do I." "I'd do most nationalities." " Your personal details." " Liberal." "Physique." "Would you say you are slim, average, well built, heavily built?" " Heavily built?" " Well built." " Yeah?" " Yeah!" "Most of it's muscle." "Yep." "OK." "Has Neil got a date for the wedding or is he just...?" " September." " September." "Could be good." "Might rain." "Could be a washout." "Hope not." "I hope not." "How would you describe your looks?" "Very attractive, attractive, average?" "You can't put "very attractive"." "It looks like arrogance." "Put "attractive"." "She'll see me." "OK." "Occupation?" "It's just me and my little boy." "And Andrew." "That's it." "That's all I care about." "Nothing can get in the way." "Mind you, I usually get me own way." "Did I tell you this?" "We went to that EuroDisney in, um..." "In Paris." "In Paris." "And there was a ride my son wanted to go on, the Space Mountain." "And it's a 40-minute wait to go on the ride." "So I said to my husband..." "Andrew." "I said, "Andrew, there is no way I am waiting for 40 minutes to go on..."" " Space Mountain." " "..." "Space Mountain." ""There is no way I am queuing for 40 minutes to go on a ride."" "I went up to the bloke who's supervising it, this French bloke." " It's full of 'em." " He spoke perfect English." "I said, "Listen, I'm with a young lad and he is sick."" "Didn't have to say anything else." "He read between the lines." " He thought he was terminally ill?" " I didn't say that." "But we went right in the front of the queue." "Brilliant." "Thing is, there probably were sick kids and you went straight past them." "I dunno." "There's no way I'm waiting 40 minutes to go on a ride." " Why should you?" " Yeah." "Tell you what..." ""Your interests." Pubs." "Guilty!" " Sports?" " Yeah." " What sports?" " Squash." " I played you." "You're rubbish." " Just put it." " Cooking." "You like cooking." " Don't put that." " Why?" " Under the thumb." "Cooking all me life." " Watching TV?" " Yeah." "Put documentaries." " Can't specify..." " Type it in." " Mixing with friends?" " Put loads." " Travelling?" " Yeah." " When was the last time?" " I've travelled." " Where have you travelled?" " Hull." " Hardly travelling." " How did I get there?" "Did it come to me?" "Here comes Hull down the motorway." " So arrogant!" " Just speaking my mind." " Lippy." " I'm an executive now." "Would you jump in my grave so quickly?" "Come on." "(SHE SLURPS)" "No." "And, you know, you get bored with each other if you're not careful." "And so Andrew's mum bought us the "Kamasutra"" " and a sort of massage pack." " Thoughtful." "And I think the one we conceived with was the one where, right," "Andrew's laid out and I squat over him." "I lower down and he enters me and I put my full weight on it." "Do you know what I mean?" "We're like that." "He's right up inside me because of the weight and I simply rock on him, which enables deeper penetration which stimulates him and me." "I can do a lot when I'm there." "I can get really low." "I got the strength in my legs and I can feel the support and he's hitting it right there." "That's it." "Bingo!" "We're away." "(BABY HOWLS)" " Do us a favour." "Shut him up, will you?" " How am I supposed to do that?" "Will you get a chance to get back to Slough this year to see your friends?" " This year?" "No, definitely not." " Why's that?" "Um, well, for a start, it would cost three months' wages to go, what we earn." "What if we were able to arrange for you to go back?" " There's a million reasons we can't go." " "Arrange it"?" "If we took care of things, would you go back?" " Of course." " Let's talk about it first!" "Was that a genuine offer?" "Right. "Her details."" " "Her marital status." "Single, divorced..."" " Not divorced." "No, husband might still be around." "Might be a nutter." "Not getting into that." " Widowed?" " I'd bloody love her to be widowed." " Minimum age required?" " 25." "I don't think you should go out with a 25-year-old." " Why not?" " Age difference too much." " It's not too much." " 20 years is." "20 years?" "!" "10 if any..." "I'm not 45, Gareth!" " No?" " Are you blind?" "I thought 'cause of the... jowls." "Jowls?" "Look at pokey-nose boy." "Pinocchio man." "Have someone's eye out with that." " I'll send that." " What age did you put?" " It's already sent." " What age?" " 45." " I can't believe it!" "45?" "Do you think she'll be happy when she sees you looking like this?" " She's not gonna call if she's 25." " You never had a chance with a 25-year-old." "OK, Christmas party ideas is what I'm looking for." " Shall we just blue-sky it?" " "Blue-sky it"!" "Yeah, let's do that, Gareth." "Let's fly it up the flagpole." "Any ideas are welcome." "So, your party." "What do you wanna see?" "Brainstorm." "Let's go." " Uh, buffet?" " That goes without saying." " Disco?" " OK, I like it." " Girls." " What do you mean?" " Invite girls." " Girls will be coming." "Not the girls that work here." "Other girls." "Pretty girls." " Do you want some prostitutes, Keith?" " It shouldn't cost you anything." " He's putting that down?" " Anything else?" " Secret Santa?" " Excellent." " Dancing competition." " Dance comp." " What about something for the old people?" " Of course." "What are you putting?" "You can't put "something"." "What?" " I dunno." " We can't put "something for old people"." "Werther's Originals?" "A phone call from your son?" " Anything else?" " Wet T-shirt competition." "We cannot have..." "He's writing that down!" "Is that for the old people?" "Definitely not." "Good point." "No OAPs in wet T-shirts." " The wet T-shirt competition's going ahead?" " It's a democracy." "Everyone gets their ideas on paper." " We cannot have a wet T-shirt competition." " You can." "Just need a bucket and T-shirt." "Thank you." "There is gonna be a couple of blasts from the past at this party." " Pete Gibbons and his wife Cheryl." " Gibbo." "Nice to see them." "Um..." "Jeff Lamp might be popping in." "And also Dawn Tinsley and Lee will be popping in." "A flying visit." " Great!" " They'll be popping in." "Yeah, that was a bit of a shock, to be honest." "Er..." "I suppose I'd thought, "Out of sight, out of mind"" "and that I'd got her out of my system." "But, yeah, when I heard she was coming back..." "Er... what can I say?" "My stomach just sort of kkkerrrr!" "You know..." "At first, I thought it was embarrassment, and then it's the thought of seeing her, or whatever." "So there's obviously something still there." "Um..." "But I'm not gonna ask her again, obviously." "You know." "She'd have to ask me." "If she asked me..." "But that's not gonna happen." "We were torn about whether or not to go home for Christmas." "It's gonna be 75 degrees in Florida." "And then we found out that in Slough it's going to be drizzly!" "So that swung it for us, didn't it?" "So, couldn't resist that!" "(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)" "(COMPERE) From "Big Brother", it's Bubblel" "(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)" "Yes!" "OK, here we go." "Are you ready for sexy bachelor Number Two?" "(ALL) Yes!" "The star of that BBC Two documentary, "The Office", he's the boss from hell, he's looking for love and a job, he's all the way from Slough," "David Brent!" " (WEAK APPLAUSE)" " Come on!" "I'm not looking for a job!" "(SILENCE)" " Take a seat, David." "We'll plug it in!" "Are you ready for sexy bachelor Number Three?" "(ALL) Yes!" "He's the star of the Halifax adverts." "Give it up - it's Howard Brown!" "(ENTHUSIASTIC APPLAUSE)" " Hi, Howard." " How are you?" "Fine, thanks." " Who gives you X-tra?" " Who?" "Who?" "Who?" "Who?" " Fantastic!" "I've got some fans here." " They love you!" "You've got a few in." "(DAVID) I'm not just chasing fame per se." "People like to see famous people." "It annoys me when people have a go at celebrities." "You know, like poor Noel Edmonds." "People going, "What's he doing going round hospitals at Christmas giving out presents?" ""He's doing it for himself, isn't he?" He's not doing it for himself!" "He's doing it for them." "He's not doing it at all any more." "He can't get on telly for love nor money." "But when he did it, he did it for them." "What's up with..." "People like to see famous people." "Go to a little town in Wales, turn up in Lampeter with Richard Blackwood, and go, "Oi, everybody!" "Little surprise for you." "Richard Blackwood."" "They're gonna go, "What are you doing here?"" "And not in a racist way." "They're happy to see him." "He's welcome 'cause he's famous." "Now it's time to meet our contestant." "She has no idea who our three celebrities are." "Don't spoil it, don't say anything." "Give a big round of applause for our Kim!" "(WOLF WHISTLES)" "They like you!" "Are you all right?" "Yeah!" "Got a right little raver here!" "Question One and who's it to?" "This is for Number One." "People who know me know that my passion in life is dancing!" "What is your passion?" "My passion in life is football." " I'm a Chelsea fan." "Any Chelsea boys here?" " (BOOING)" "I hope you're a West Ham fan, 'cause after tonight you'll be for ever blowing Bubble!" "Doesn't work, 'cause the song's "Blowing Bubbles"." "At least..." "I know what you're doing." "Blow jobs, but..." "Sexist!" "Question Two, Kim?" " Contestant Two." "Everyone thinks..." " Shagadelic, baby." "Groovy, oh, yeah." " What was that shit?" " Don't judge it." "Don't slag..." "Come on." "Let's have the question." "Everyone thinks the character I most resemble is Pussy Galore." " Which character do you resemble?" " Austin Powers." "That's what I was doing." "Before you ruined it." "(SILENCE)" "Austin Powers." "Kim, your final question..." "OK, Kim, it's time to meet the two you turned down." "From "Big Brother", Bubble!" "Oh, my God!" " Hey... you've lost him." "Did you like him?" " Yeah!" "You also turned down Contestant Two from "The Office"." "That is David Brent!" "Hey!" " Who the fuck's that?" " Who are you?" "What have you been on before?" "Nothing." " Wanker!" " You're the wanker, mate!" "(SILENCE)" " How do you think that went?" " From my point of view, brilliant." "Money for old rope." "You saw how many idiots paid eight quid each." "So call me a wanker!" "They're the wanker." "I'm just taking the money." "They haven't even been on the telly." "Do you know what I mean?" "Never work with amateurs." "Don't know what they're doing." " What?" " We knew the answers, so I'm doing my bit." "Then she starts going, "What was that shit?" "What was that?"" " What was your shit?" " It's only a bit of fun." "If I want advice off you, it'll be about mortgages." "Can I retaliate?" "I can't hit a woman, so can I have some beer, please?" "Thank you very much." "Do you like it?" "I'll put that on you." "Brilliant." "Twice." "I was already wet, so the joke's on her." "Prick!" "Tart!" "Oh, I could have..." " Get that dry-cleaned before you take it back." " Huh?" "Get that dry-cleaned." "They'll take your deposit otherwise." "D'you reckon they'll take my deposit if it's ripped?" "Will they take it if it's a bit fucking ripped?" "You cretin!" "Do you want another beer?" " Was that my beer?" " Yeah." " Do you want me to get you another..." " Yes!" " I've only got a twenty." "Have you got change?" " Take it out of that!" "# So what becomes of you, my love" "# When they have finally stripped you of" "# The handbags and the glad rags" "# That your grandad had to sweat so you could buy?" "#" "Yep." "What we're doing at the moment is just..." "No!" "...sorting the ladies that the agency have sent me into "yes" and "no" piles." "These are the matches they've come up with." "Quite a lot of choice, which is good." "I get three free introductions for the money I've already paid." "I've already chosen one." "I'm taking her to lunch today." "I'll choose two more." "I'll hook up with them." "What's the worst that can happen?" " You could get one pregnant." " I'm not gonna do that!" " Do you mind black ones?" " No!" "All equal." " They've sent you three of them." " That is a lot, isn't it?" "All on the "yes" pile, or just one to show you're not prejudiced?" " Which one, though?" " That one's smiling." "Friendliest." "Look at that. 41." "Looks 30." "Look at those! "Yes" pile?" " Yeah, if she's got a good personality." " How can you be sure it's a recent photo?" " It could have been taken when she was 30." " They should have a copy of today's paper." " (NEIL) All right?" " Hiya." " OK?" " Yep." " Busy?" " Yep." "Gareth, I'll be back at three to have a chat with you." " OK." " See you at the Christmas party, David." " See you." " You still need two tickets?" " Still bringing a lady friend to the party?" " Yep." "Good." "I look forward to meeting her." "No." "Come on, we better..." "No." "Everybody." "If I can have your attention, please." "Short announcement." "OK." "For those of you who care or liked her, Dawn Tinsley will be in this afternoon." "If you've never heard of her, she was just a receptionist, worked here for some years." "Her and her fiancé, Lee, went to Florida." "Yes, Tim, that's "fiancé", if you know what that word means!" "Um..." "Maybe you want to keep your thoughts to yourself this time!" "All right." "Back to it, then." "Please." "Hey, I know what it's like." "I've worked in a lot of places over the years and the number of infatuations blokes have had over me." "Oh, God." "They know they can't have me, but it doesn't stop 'em." "I don't know what it is about me they like so much." "I'm racking my brains." " Thanks very much." " Your table." " This is nice, isn't it?" " Yeah." "Let's see what's on offer." "Nice." "No, your necklace!" "I wasn't..." "Don't think so!" "Although the reason women wear necklaces is to draw attention to the breasts." " I don't." " No, I mean subconsciously." "I wear this because my mother gave it to me before she died." "She probably wore it to draw attention to hers." "Can we not talk about my dead mother's breasts?" "Duck pâté." " I wasn't being lewd." " I know." " I was just interested in..." " Breasts!" "Anthropology, sort of all that..." "What signals we give off." " I'm not giving off any signals." " We all are." "I saw a programme on Discovery channel." "Interesting." "Do you know why men are attracted to cleavage?" "Because it reminds us of women's buttocks." "Presumably when we were cavemen, we used to do you from behind." "So then we evolved and probably turned you over when language came in, to either chat or just to look at the breasts that reminded us of the buttocks." " Can we not talk about breasts, full stop?" " Yeah." " Do you want a starter?" " Let's go straight to the main course." "(DAWN) I'm actually nervous about seeing everyone again." "I'm gonna have to answer the same question 30 times 'cause I've been away for a couple of years." "I just wanna go, "We're back." "It's been lovely weather." "We've done lots of sunbathing." ""I'm not gonna be an illustrator." ""That's all you need to know." "Let's get drunk."" "Hang on." "Sorry, it's just here on the left." " Thank you." " Why are you not going to be an illustrator?" "Um, just circumstances, really." "If someone said to me, "Bang!" "You can be an overnight successful illustrator", that'd be great 'cause it was my ambition." "But it's not gonna happen because of priorities and time and beughh." "You know." "All that, really." "Thank you." "(TIM) Yeah, I'm looking forward to seeing her again." "She's my friend and she's a good friend." "I don't know exactly how I'll feel." "I'll feel like a friend feels, whatever that is." "But, as I said, I'm not gonna ask her again." "Come on!" "I might ask her again." "No, I won't." "No, I won't." "I know I won't." "I know I won't." "She would have to do the asking." "Oh, my God." "Hello!" "Hi!" "How are you?" "Hello!" "Good to see you." "Thanks!" "Hello!" "How are you doing?" "No Lee?" "No, he's at his mum's." "Hey." " You're looking very brown." " Oh, OK." " What have you been up to?" " Not much, actually." " Enjoying life?" " Trying to." " This is all the same." " Never changes." " Can I get you a cup of tea?" " I'd love one." "Lovely." " It's really good to see you." " Lovely cup of tea." "Actually, I think Gareth might wanna see you." "Shall we go and see the new boss?" "Nice to see you." "All right?" " Shall we see him?" " Yes." "Ready?" "He's the boss!" "Dawn Tinsley, as I live and breathe!" " Don't bloody believe this!" " Hi!" "Come here." "How are you, babes?" "I'm fine, darling!" " What are you doing in America?" "Sit down." " What do you mean?" " Workwise?" " Oh, it's complicated." " You have to have a work permit." " Sure." "If you are struggling, you're welcome back here." "Things have changed a bit round here - he'll tell you." "I'm quite a powerful man." "If you came back, you wouldn't necessarily be on Reception." "I always did think you were a hard worker, if a little bit..." "Are you still trying to be an artist?" " No." " Good." "Waste of time." "Practically thinking." "Moving on." "Good." "You're no spring chicken." "No." "(RINGING TONE)" " Hello?" " Is that Gillian?" " Yeah." "Who's this?" " You're one of my introductions." " Oh, yeah." "Hi." " Hi." " You all right?" " Yeah." "Um, how do you usually do these things?" "Um, depends, really." "Just have a chat on the phone." "Sometimes meet up." "You know, you wear a carnation and carry a newspaperl" "Oh, to help recognise me." "You probably won't need that." "You probably will recognise me." "Will I?" "Why's that?" "Did you see a documentary that went out on BBC Two called "The Office"?" "Yeah." "You're not that awful boss, are you?" " No, not the..." "No." " What's your name?" " Uh?" " What's your name?" "What's MY name?" "Or what's his name?" "I don't know why you want his name!" "Can I..." "Oh, no." "I've just remembered." "Can I call you back, Gillian?" "See you... (SWITCHES PHONE OFF)" "She..."Who are you?" "What's your name?"" "Too many questions." "Chill out." "GBH of the ears." "No, no, no." "Not for me, thank you." "Back to the drawing board." "Did you hear we're having new toilets in January?" "Did he tell you?" " Tim, you didn't tell me about the toilets!" " Sorry." "I had other things on my mind." " Like, Gareth, are you still in the TAs?" " Yeah." " What rank are you?" " Lieutenant." "Because I was thinking, if you ever take an enemy soldier prisoner," " would you have to search him?" " It's possible." "So you're doing a full body search." "You find something hard." "You know what it is." "Do you say, "You've got a big weapon." "Give it to me now." Or..." "I'm not gonna ask him." "I'd just get it out myself." "Right." "And what happens, you're going into a battle situation, are you up the front with your men or are you coming up the rear?" " Well, it depends." " It's possible you'd come up the rear?" " It's possible." " That's all we wanted to know." "(TIM) What?" "Yeah, it's like actual..." "He's got those clompy shoes still." " With the silver link buckle across." " He hasn't progressed." " He still looks like a golf club." " Dawn?" "Anne." "Yeah?" "Hi." "It's nice to meet you." "Must tell you this." "You'd have laughed the other day." " You know Paul Wallace?" " From Harper's?" "No, he's at Silverleaf now." "Anyway, he's talking to Mel on Reception." "He's chatting away." "He's talking to her for about ten minutes." "Then he says, "Dawn, have you changed your hair?"" "He thought she was you." "He didn't realise you'd left!" "I laughed." "I shouted, "Paul, do you think that's Dawn?"" "He thought it was you." "Extraordinary." " Where's your husband?" "Is he here?" " He's not my husband yet." " Are you gonna have children?" " Not that I'm aware of." "Word of advice." "Have 'em sooner rather than later." "There's nothing worse than an old mum." " I'm gonna shoot off." " Do you want another cup?" " I'm fine, thank you." " Really good to see you." " And you." " Thanks for coming in." " Dawn." " How are you doing?" " Are you coming to the Christmas party?" " Yes, although we've got to leave early." " We've gotta get back the next day." " Have you?" "We'll have a good old chat then." " OK, see you, everybody!" " (ALL) Bye!" "I'll see you soon." "What's that?" "A sketch of me." "Dawn's an artist." "It's not very accurate." "Your nose is much bigger than that." "I spoke to her on the phone." "Seemed nice." "Feel a bit sick, really." "Not nerves." "Excitement." "Not sexual." "She's wearing a white chiffon scarf to help me spot her." "So, um..." "Oh, for fuck's sake!" " David?" " Uh?" "Yep?" "Hiya." " Susan." "Can I get you a drink?" " No." "I'll get one." "Have you got one?" " Yeah." " Sit down." "I'll get one." "You know..." " Said on your form you like classical music." " Did it?" "Yeah!" "You?" "Yes." "Who do you like?" " All the big ones." "All the big names." " I love Grieg." "He's good." "Not as good as Beethoven." "He's generally considered to be the best." " Which Beethoven do you like?" " All his main hits." "All the big ones." "Totally deaf, isn't he?" "I'm a musician meself, and all the stuff he came up with," "I don't think he could have done better if he could have heard what he was playing." "What else..." "Um..." "Don't have to just talk about music." "I can talk about anything." "That's what I'm famous for, I can talk about anything." "You name a subject." "Name something and I'll tell you an interesting fact about it." " What sort of thing?" " Anything!" " Uh?" " Cows?" "Cows." "Cows have got four stomachs." "Right?" "Don't look at me like that!" "You said cows." "Choose anything." " Lemons." " Lemons?" " I can choose something else." " No, you said lemons." "Uh..." "Pound for pound, there's more sugar in a lemon than a strawberry." " I wouldn't know if that was true or not." " I just told you it and I'm not a liar." " Look it up when you get home." " Is that your party trick?" "It's not a trick, is it, knowledge, education?" " So how do you feel about Lynne?" " Um, well, not bowled over, to be honest." "In fact, I'm thinking of asking for money back under the Trades Descriptions Act because this is the "recent" photo she sent in." "I'd have been up for that!" "What annoys me is that when I saw her, I thought, "Oh, God!"" "Then I thought "Maybe she's got a good personality." She hasn't." "I thought she'd be one of them happy, bubbly ones 'cause we were eating." "She's bleugghh!" "Nothing." "Know what I..." " Not talking about me, are you?" " No!" "You couldn't hear that?" "No." "Right." "So..." "Would you want to do this again?" "With you?" "!" "Wouldn't have thought so." " I..." " Shall we just..." "See you later." " What did you think of him?" " Well, he wasn't quite what I expected." "Can I show you the photo he sent in?" " Here you go." " Keep it under your hat." "These." " Right, OK." " Secret Santa!" " Secret Santa." "Take one." " Tell them about Secret Santa." "Everybody gets a piece of paper, writes their name on it, puts it in the box, we jiggle it round and then somebody takes a name out and they have to buy that person a present worth about £10." " You keep it a secret." " You don't know who bought you the gift." " I said that." " Let's have a go." " No way." "I'm not getting him one." " Is that me?" " I can't say." " Is it me?" " Do you wanna swap?" " Yes, please." " Is that me?" " I can't say." "If it's me, don't get a stupid novelty gift." "Get a voucher or put £10 in an envelope." "I'll get something I really want." " Put a tenner in an envelope." " The spirit of Christmas!" "A tenner!" "So what are you doing?" "Just thinking about Dawn?" "No, I'm not thinking about Dawn, actually." " Just..." "I'm not thinking about Dawn, OK?" " OK." "I just hope you don't embarrass yourself again with her." "Well, I'm not planning to, Keith, all right?" "I mean, that'll be the third time you've asked her out and the woman's said no." "I'm not gonna do anything." "That is ancient history." "All right." "(LEE) Who's gonna be there?" "Yeah, sweet." "That'll be good." "Yeah." "Whereabouts?" "OK." "I love shopping for presents." "I love Christmas, I love birthdays." "I get more excited about watching people open their presents than they do." " You don't seem to have bought much, Lee?" " No, I don't buy into it." "It's a con." "What I usually say to her is work out what she's spent on me and take it out of my wallet." " I'm thinking of wrapping it this year!" " What?" "Word of warning, though." "If you are planning to try and nail Dawn for a third time while she's back, you heard what she said - she's going back the day after the party, so you've not got long if you wanna try..." "Thank you." "Thank you." "Yep, that's great." "What do I owe you for this session?" "You're obviously such an expert with the ladies (!" ")" " Yeah?" " Yep." "Why is that?" "What is your secret?" "Well, men get turned on by what they see." " But women get turned on by what they hear." " Right." "I always make sure the woman hears the right thing." "Yeah?" "So what do you do when you're a-wooing?" "Sing to them?" "No." "I very tenderly explain to them that I will guarantee them at least one orgasm." " What's his name?" " Nelson." " Where's his eye patch?" " Not Horatio Nelson." "Nelson Mandela." "The great leader who they locked up just 'cause he was black." "They locked him up for sabotage and conspiracy." "Racist!" "He was commander of the militia wing of the ANC." " We don't talk about that." " They advocated guerrilla attacks." "Someone shut him up!" "Can't bel..." "He's a great man, Mandela." "Great man, great dog." "That's what we're..." "So..." "Good company, as well." "My work takes me up and down the country." "I try not to be away for more than two nights." "It's not fair leaving him locked up too long." "Unlike the real Nelson!" " What?" "Come off it." "I'm not having that." " David?" " Why's that funny?" "Hi." " Hi." "Can I have a word, please?" "Yeah." " Alone." " He can't understand you." " No, I meant..." " Oh, people." "Come on, Nelson." " What's your reason for being here?" " Is friendship a reason?" "You've spent ten minutes introducing people to your dog!" " So he's not allowed to come and chat now?" " I dunno what he's chatting about, but no." " Sarcasm, the lowest form of wit." " I dunno what he's chatting about..." "If he is here to crack jokes, he should do it in his own time." " This is a business, not a social club." " Typical." "You don't like it 'cause I'm popular." "You don't like me coming back." "I don't like you interrupting a working day." "You seem to be here all the time." " Did you allow people to breeze in?" " Yeah." " Make chit-chat, distract people?" " Yes." " What do you mean, "yes"?" " If it was good for morale." " You should pay me to be here." " You don't work here!" "You have no reason to be here." "Unless you have a genuine reason to be here, you can't just stroll in whenever you like." "I'm banned 'cause the regime don't like it." "You don't work here." "You can't come in for a natter." " I'll come in for a meeting then." " What meeting?" "Can I come in for a meeting?" " Yes, if it's a business meeting, but..." " OK." " You can't keep popping in unannounced." " Come on, Nelson." "David." "Let's see how they take..." "Political news, everyone." "An interesting development." "I've been barred from coming to see you friends by the powers that be that deem I undermine the regime, 'cause they're scared." "Can't stop me seeing you after work, though." "Who wants to go for a drink tomorrow, to show...?" "Yeah?" "Anyone?" "Short notice." "What about the day after that?" "Come and have a beer." "Just..." "Thursday's good - for me, anyway." "What's good for you?" "I can still come in for meetings." "Who wants a meeting?" "No one wants to have a meeting with you or a drink with you." "You don't even work here." "I'll have a drink with you tomorrow, David." "Call me." " All right." "Oh, here he is." " David." " Let's get home, boy, before he bars you." " He is barred." "Ooh, taking it out on animals." "There's your evidence." "Fight it." "Don't..." "Come on, boy." "(LOUD DISCO MUSIC)" "(MUSIC DROWNS OUT WORDS)" " I don't wanna do these any more." " Don't be silly." "I'm not being silly." "It's demeaning." "A load of idiots." " They loved you." " If they loved me, why throw stuff?" "Throwing water, plastic bottles, underpants." "One bloke threw a pair of Y-fronts, hit me in the face." "I knew it was Nutella or Marmite he'd smudged on the gusset, but it was still him going, "We think you're shit."" "Marmite?" "He must have prepared that at home 'cause he knew you were on." "That doesn't make me feel any better." "I'm not doing these any more." "Look, let me tell you I've heard this before." "I remember hearing this exact same thing from Bruno Brookes." "He'd come off stage in tears sometimes." "I'll tell you why." " Because you're perfectionists." " Yes." "I am." "Because I've got stuff to say to the world." "Not just wave." "It's just waving - why?" " Shall I say you want to wave less?" " Not the point!" "They're not my audience." "Get me on something..." "I'm an anecdotalist." "Get me on..." "I'll tell you who I'd hit it off with" " Parkinson." "Um..." "That could be tricky." "The trouble is, Parky tends to have people on his show that have done something." " People who've won an Oscar or..." " Not always." "I saw one with that bloke who was a hostage in Beirut, chained to a radiator." " John McCarthy." " What's that? "So what did you do all day?"" ""Nothing." "I was chained to a radiator." Boring!" "And what's he done since?" "Nothing." "I've got anecdotes." "I've got stuff to say, if people would listen, but they won't." "I'll see what I can do." "In the meantime, you're at Malibu's in Bracknell Wednesday week." "Call, definitely call Par..." "Do you know anyone?" "I'll sort it out." "Don't worry." "I know a bloke, used to work on the show, I think, in the '70s." "Um, he's retired now, but he still knows Parky." "(DAVID) When I'm on the road and I'm staying away, it's good to get back to your room after one of those." "This is fairly typical for me." "I like to..." "It just helps me relax." "Some people like a hot bath." "That's my Radox!" "But, you know..." "Neil will make one too many mistakes." "Head Office will see what I always knew." "They'll go in there and go," ""Right, David was right." "You've pissed off him and him." ""You're not the manager you think you are, OK?" ""So get out." "We made the mistake."" "They'll drag him out by his hair." "Then the begging starts and they come to me." ""Oh, David, you were right all along." "Come back." "You're the best man for this job." ""Will you come back?" I'll go "Sure." "How much money you got?" "This is gonna cost you."" ""This is gonna cost you."" "Yeah, I make that 93." "Is it?" ""Something you find this week gets the juices flowing."" "# I'm comin' up" "# So you better get a party started" "# Sh-mowa!" "# I'm comin' up, I'm comin' # I hope not!" "I'm in the pink." "I'm in the pink!" "Like my singing?" "Pink." "She's good." "Wicked." " Coming to the party?" " Big time." "When's the meal beforehand?" "Management have had a discussion." "The upper echelons decided that only present employees can come to the meal." "So..." "Yeah." "I'm not worried about that." "I don't want the meal." "You wouldn't be allowed in if you did turn up." "I don't want to!" "Listen to me." " Whose idea was that, Neil's?" " Might have been." "There's a surprise." "No one else is invited who doesn't work here?" "Dawn's not?" " No." " Fine." "I know what he's doing, what he's up to." " I can have a word with Neil if you want." " Nothing you can do." "You're just a puppet." " I can still bring a woman to this party?" " Yeah, if you can find one." " I've found one." " Have you?" "Which one?" " What do you mean?" " Off the list?" " I might have met her in the pub!" " Did you?" "No, she's on the list." "But don't assume." ""Assume" makes an ass out of you and me." " I say that." " You nick my catchphrases." "Like that one." "And others." " What time does the meal finish?" " 9, 9.30." "9.30?" "What am I gonna do for three hours?" " See you." " See you later." "See you." "(LIVELY SEASONAL POP MUSIC)" " Gents." " Thank you." "Good man." "Shall we shoot off to a club and come back when this livens up?" "The question is, what makes us two look like a pair of bollocks?" "The prick in the middle!" "Keep them coming and I'll stick around." "All right?" "Merry Christmas." " Merry Christmas to you." " So where's your hot date?" "On her way, so don't..." "Don't think..." "Fashionably late." "Not even late." "I told her to come about ten." " It's nearly ten now." " Nearly ten isn't ten, though." "God, I hope you don't run this place like that." "Fascist!" "Chill out!" " I'm just looking forward to meeting her." " We all are." "Bloody hell!" " All right, mate?" " Lee, nice to see you." " Looking very well." " Cheers." " Hello." " Hi." "Look at this!" "The American couple." "Brown, and white - with the teeth." " Good!" " Yeah." "It's nice to be back." "You look very well." "Happy Christmas." " Secret Santa?" " Trudie." " Thank you." " Thataway." " Have you met Pete?" " We'll take our coats." "OK." "I don't know what to expect." "I haven't been impressed so far." "I hope they're vetting them because the computer seems to be throwing up rubbish." "It's like they haven't put me in the right category." "Oh, f..." "I don't believe it." "Look at this." " Hello!" " Hiya." " All right?" "Is Monkey in there?" " Oh, yeah!" "Phew!" " All right?" " Yeah!" "I'm expecting a blind date and I was worried you were it!" "No." "Yeah, he's up there." "Sorry." "I was gonna say, do you hire a car in the States?" " Yeah." " That's how you get around?" "Cool." "Hey, Lee, have a word with this one about not doing the illustrating any more." " She's not drawing or..." " No." "I'd have thought you were in the perfect spot for the watercolours or..." "We agreed making a living's gotta come first." " She can still do it in the evening." " To make money you gotta be good." "Right." "I brought you the long way round." "Chris, Neil..." " This is Carol, my date..." " Hi." "...for this evening." "Yeah." "Let's get you some alcohol, shall we?" "What do you fancy?" "Wine?" "Beer?" " I'm watching the figure." " Let me do that!" " Vodka?" " Fine." " Pint of vodka." " Pint?" "Joking!" "Thought they'd sent me an alky then!" " Good." " Excuse us." "Did you see the documentary?" " No, no, I didn't." "I know you were in it." " Just a bit, yeah." " Was that weird?" " Weird isn't the word I used when I saw it." " "Stitch-up" was." " Why?" "It was the way they left out all the good bits I did every day" " and put in the embarrassing bits." " Like what?" " The time I headbutted someone." " Headbutted someone?" " Yeah, but she was..." " She?" "Yeah, but it was manipulated." "They're crafty." "Because - example - once the guys found out I sing and play..." " Do you?" " Big time." " Are you good?" " Yeah." "It's "Come on, give us a song."" "I was doing an impromptu gig and they're filming it and I did a beautiful version of "No Woman No Cry"." " Really?" " By the late, great Bob Marley." " Yeah." " Good." "And all I'll say is this." "Oliver, who is the office black guy, thought it was brilliant." " Did he?" " Yeah." "He should know." " So I'll take his word." " They didn't put that bit in?" "No." "Jeff Lamp, you're barred." "Get out." "I'm joking." "Gareth." " Did you drive down?" " No, I came in a cab." "Yeah, we took a taxi." "What were you saying?" "(INAUDIBLE)" "Monkey Allen!" " That sounds good." " Yeah." " What about you?" " I'm repping..." " Right." " I'm getting into entertainment, though." " Are you?" " It's very difficult, though." "Seems to be a series of shitty PAs, due to the fact that my agent - agent!" " does not know his arse from his elbow." "I go out, wave for ten minutes." "Embarrassing." "They're all half me age." "They're taking the mick." "Not really." "You're getting paid." "You never see them again." "What do you care?" "Take the money and run." "Spend it on something you do wanna do." "Yeah." "Drives me mad." "To spoil a child, it is a kind of child abuse." "And you've got a responsibility as a parent." "(SHE BELCHES)" "And you cannot do that to your children." " I'll tell you what, though..." " Hello, mate." " Hello, son." " They let you both in the country, then!" "Excuse me!" "Do you mind not smoking near me?" " Sorry?" " Do you mind not smoking?" "I am pregnant." " Yeah, and this is a party." " I don't care about the party." " I care about my unborn child." " Then fuck off home, you dozy cow!" " What did you say?" " You think we care as much as you do?" "Just 'cause you let some useless tosser blow his beans up your muff!" "Merry fucking Christmas!" " Beans?" "!" " I don't believe..." "Muff... was the bit for me." "Beans and muff!" "#... red-nosed reindeer" "# Does he turn up on his sleigh?" "# Do the fairies keep him sober for a day?" "# So here it is, Merry Christmas" "# Everybody's having fun" "# Look to the future now" "# It's only just begun" "# It's Christmasl #" "(SMOOCHY MUSIC)" "But otherwise you found your way around all right?" " Left everything in order, did I?" " Yeah." "Cool." "Dawn, have you done that important report that I asked for?" "I've waited two years." "Unfortunately, I've been extremely busy - sunbathing, filing my nails..." "I'm beginning to wonder if your heart is really in this job." "You shouldn't be there." "You don't work here." "Look at the boss, with his little boss face." " Enjoying yourself, Gareth?" " Yeah." "Gareth, I meant to ask you." "Following on from our discussion, when you're out on manoeuvres, you have to stay at a barracks with all those men in bunk beds." "Now, do you prefer to go on top?" "Yeah, because if you get up in the night, you disturb them but they can't disturb you." "It helps." "(TIM) They're trained, so they must be pretty fit?" " So you look at them and go, "They're fit."" " We all are." "In a wood, if an enemy soldier jumped on one of your boys, would you pull him off?" " Immediately." " You'd pull him off?" "Course!" "They're winding you up." "He means wank you off." " Did you?" " Yeah, afraid I did." "Sorry." "Thanks, mate." "That's pathetic." " Shall we make a move?" " Eh?" "We can stay a few minutes, can't we?" "You'll have too much to drink and moan all day tomorrow." " What about Secret Santa?" " You'll cope." "I'll get the coats." "All right, mate." "Ah, well." "You can persuade him to stay for a bit, can't you?" "I know, but we have to go tomorrow and..." " Understood." " Eight-hour flight." " Is it eight hours?" " It is." " Still, this has been nice." " It has." " A good night." " Yeah." "Good seeing you again." "Look after yourself." "Have a good life." " Keep in touch!" " I'll write." "No, I will, I will." " Anyway..." " Listen." " It was really nice seeing you." " You, too." " Look after yourself." " Here's your Secret Santa." " See you, mate." "Good to see you." " Lee." "Good luck." "Cheers." " Shall we go?" " Bye!" "Dawn's off, everyone." " See you later." "Take care." " Have a nice flight." "# Whatever I said, whatever I did" "# I didn't mean it, I just want you back for good" "# Want you back, want you back, want you back for good" "# Whenever I'm wrong, just tell me the song and I'll sing it" "# You'll be right and understood" "# Want you back, want you back, I want you back for good #" "Right." "Next, Gareth." " Very funny." "Who got me that?" " No, don't tell him!" "Secret Santa!" "I specifically said I wanted vouchers, so... annoying." "(TIM) The people you work with are people you were just thrown together with." "You don't know them." "It wasn't your choice." "Yet you spend more time with them than you do friends or family." "But probably all you've got in common is that you walk on the same bit of carpet for eight hours a day." "And so, obviously, when someone comes in who you have a connection with..." "Yeah." "Dawn was a ray of sunshine in my life and it meant a lot." "But if I'm really being honest, I never thought it would have a happy ending." "I don't know what a happy ending is." "Life isn't about endings, is it?" "It's a series of moments." "And, um..." "It's like, if you turn the camera off, it's not an ending, is it?" "I'm still here." "My life's not over." "Come back in ten years." "See how I'm doing then." "I could be married with kids." "You don't know." "Life just goes on." "# Mary's boy child, Jesus Christ" "# Was born on Christmas Day" "# Hark, now, hear the angels sing" "# A king was born today" "# And man will live for ever more" "# Because of Christmas Day" "# Mary's boy child... #" "(DAVID) No, I wasn't holding out a lot of hope for this evening, but she is a brilliant woman." "Smart, logical." "You hear people say you can't be a beautiful, sensual woman like Carol and still be logical." "She's proved them wrong." "Part of the attraction." "In fact, for me to be attracted to a woman, she has to be as intelligent or slightly less intelligent than me." "And she is." "I've never been impressed with guys who go, "She's got great breasts" or "a cute tush"." "I mean, Carol's got all those things, but she's got it going on upstairs as well as down." "Perfect, for me." "How was that?" "Yeah, he's funny." "Yeah." "He wants to try my Thai food." "That's OK." "I had a good chat, a good chat with him." "Would you want to see him again?" "Yeah, I think so." " Thank you very much." " Cheers." " Thank you very much." " That's all right." "Definitely!" "For a beach holiday, it's perfect." "Long flight, but you get the weather." "Two weeks, a grand each." " Well done." "Leeds are doing well." " What?" " Where are they in the league?" " You don't know about football." " Guilty!" "I support Reading!" " When did you last go?" " I support football more than him." " I'm a rugby man." "Admits it, admits it." " No dog with you today?" " Did you not see her?" "She just left!" "Chris, why don't you fuck off?" "# Sometimes when I think of her name" "# When it's only a game" "# And I need you" "# Listen to the words that you say" "# It's getting harder to stay" "# When I see you... #" " The doctor's..." " All I'm saying is think about what I said." " The doctor is..." " I know this." "They're triplets." "They're not triplets." "Why would they be?" "If the bloke in the car is his father and the doctor really did say," ""I can't operate on that boy." "He's my son."" " The doctor's telling the truth as well." " Is he a man..." " Careful." "She's got a fiancé." " I haven't." "Not any more." "# All I needed was the love you gave" "# All I needed for another day" "# And all I ever knew" "# Only you" "# This is gonna take a long time" "# And I wonder what's mine" "# Can't take no more" "# Wonder if you'll understand" "# It's just the touch of your hand" "# Behind a closed door" "# All I needed was the love you gave" "# All I needed for another day" "# And all I ever knew" "# Only you #" "(DAVID) A philosopher once wrote, "You need three things to have a good life." ""One, a meaningful relationship." ""Two, a decent job of work." ""Three, to make a difference."" "It was that third one that stressed me." ""To make a difference."" "And I realised that I do." "Every day." "We all do." "It's how we interact with our fellow man." "Sorry, Neil, can I just have one with Neil out?" "Just one of the old gang." "Do you mind?" " The real gang." " Yeah." "The glory years!" "How would you like to be remembered?" "Simply as the man who put a smile on the face of all who he met." " Say "cheese"!" " Cheese!" " Did that flash?" " No!" "OK, give me a sec." "Bit of trouble here." "(AS FRANK SPENCER) Oh, I'm having a bit of trouble meself!" "Betty, Jessica, the cat did a whoopsie in my beret!" "That was Frank Spencer." "Oh, do it again!" "# So what becomes of you, my love?" "# When they have finally stripped you of" "# The handbags and the glad rags" "# That your grandad had to sweat so you could buy?" "#" "Have you got everything you need?" "Cheers." "The Golden Globes is what we're most asked about." "It's what I'm most asked about." "Everything about it was a brilliant experience." "It was just madness." " You weren't gonna go." " No, it was a long way to go." "The round trip would be a week." "But then, um, everyone persuaded me and I was so glad I did it." "It was fantastic." "Genuinely, we did not expect to win." "They got us together, BBC America, and we had this little seminar where they told us we weren't gonna win but what to do and how to stand and so on." "(WOMAN) Pick-up time - we are aiming to gather at 2.45." "And, um... we've got two limos." "Um..." "Once everybody's in, we can just have a drink in the ballroom and..." "What happens if we win - which we won't - but what happens?" "Have you practised your "I'm disappointed" expression?" "It's this." "And if you can get BBC America in, that would be great for us." " BBC would be nice for me!" " Tell you what, if I win, I'll mention you." " But it's not gonna happen, is it?" " OK." "We're on the way to the Globes now." "It's nice to go out at 2.45 in the afternoon!" "Um..." "So, yeah." "Come on!" "Come on!" "No chance." " OK." "Are you gonna get out this side?" " I'll come out with you." "We'll get out this side and get Ash out that side." " Good luck, everyone." "I'm switching off." " Good luck." "Live from the Starfield International Ballroom of the Beverly Hilton Hotel, welcome to the 61st annual Golden Globe Awards." "I was like a kid in a sweetshop looking at these people." "I mean icons." "Everyone was there." "Clint Eastwood, Jack Nicholson, Tom Cruise." "(CROOK) I was the only one that didn't make it to the Golden Globes and I was gutted." "I was filming a movie, "The Merchant of Venice", in Italy with Al Pacino." "But Al Pacino got the time off." "He managed to get back, pick up his award." "Just 'cause he's Al Pacino." "When Martin and I got on the red carpet, a journalist with one of the networks, he went, "Guys, you got a couple of minutes?"" "We were like, "Yeah" - we had hours." "And then he went, "Who are you?"" "And we just pissed ourselves." "That was the best moment of my time at the Golden Globes." "And I thought, "Well, that just sums us up."" "We've been invited without a chance of winning." "We have no chance, so I can relax and just enjoy the evening." "And the Golden Globe goes to..." "I didn't think we had a chance." ""The Office."" "If you watch the footage, there's not even a camera on our table." "Even the camera people have been told, "Don't bother with the English."" "If you look at Hollywood, basically, everyone's just about the same amount of white teeth, tan, bright eyes, all about the same height - they fit lovely on a wide screen." "We went up to get ours and it was a ridiculous motley crew." "Different shapes and sizes." "Different species, I think." "I'm not from these parts." "From a little place called England." "We used to run the world before you." "When we won the first one, that was ridiculous." "And then the second one - it was just crazy." "Two bookends." "Excellent!" "You need the set." "One looks, you know..." "It's a badly designed award." "It looks like something you'd win at a judo tournament and they put it in the cabinet at a leisure centre." " But it is good for shoving up your arse." " A TV award to shove up your arse:" "Globe." "Go with the Globe!" "Hi." "Just went to the Golden Globes, and, er, we won two." "And now we're going back to the hotel." "See you later." "We won two Golden Globes." "What do you want to know?" "We thought we'd be a cult hit tucked away on BBC Two in the summer at 10 o'clock." " How many countries has it been sold to?" " 60." "Count 'em." "You do the math." " How many awards?" "You've lost count." " I have." " I haven't." " How many?" " 23." " Nice one." "High five." "Sweet." "It was two out of two." "We were up for two." "We won two." "Just shut the old door of the limo." "We won two." "The Globes was amazing." "That was incredible." "Genuinely." "It was surreal." "It was exciting." "Although I was stopped going through customs." "They said, "What's that?"" " It was wrapped in dirty laundry." " And shoved up your arse!" "It showed up in the bag." "They didn't find the one in me arse!" "Nice one." "High five!" "Hi." "How are you?" "Come on in." "I've poured you a glass of your favourite wine, Cabernet Sauvignon." "I really know you, but I've been lying awake at night wondering if you really know me, because..." "# If you don't know me by now" "# You will never, never, never know me" "# Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh" "# All the things" "# That we've been through" "# You should understand me" "# Like I understand you" "# Now, girl, I know the difference" "# Between right and wrong" "# Oh, I ain't gonna do nothin'" "# To break up our happy home" "# Woh, don't get so excited" "# I get home a little late at night" "# 'Cause we only act like children" "# When we argue, fuss and fight, woh" "# If you don't know me by now" "# If you don't know me" "# You will never, never, never know me" "# Ooh" "# No, you won't, no" "# If you don't know me by now" "# If you don't know me" "# You will never, never, never know me" "# Ooh" "# No, you won't" "# We all got" "# Our own funny moods" "# Oh, I've got mine, yeah" "# Woman, you've got yours too" "# Just trust in me" "# Like I trust in you" "# As long as we've been together" "# Should be so easy to do" "# Oh, just get yourself together" "# Or we might as well say goodbye" "# What good is a love affair" "# When we can't see eye to eye" "# If you don't know me by now" "# If you don't know me" "# You will never, never, never know me" "# Ooh" "# No, you won't" "# If you don't know me by now" "# If you don't know me" "# You will never, never, never know me # Oh, take another look, mama" "# Yeah" "# If you don't know me by now # Where you been all your life, baby?" "# There's no way you'll ever, ever know me, mama" "# Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh #" "Hi!" "How are you?" "Come on in." "I've poured you a glass of your favourite wine" " Cabernet Sauvignon." "I really know you, but I've been lying awake at night wondering if you really know me, because..." "# If you don't know me by now" "# You will never, never, never know me" "# Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh" "# All the things" "# That we've been through" "# You should understand me" "# Like I understand you" "# Now, girl, I know the difference" "# Between right and wrong" "# Oh, I ain't gonna do nothin'" "# To break up our happy home" "# Woh, don't get so excited" "# I get home a little late at night" "# 'Cause we only act like children" "# When we argue, fuss and fight, woh" "# If you don't know me by now" "# If you don't know me" "# You will never, never, never know me" "# Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh #"