"See this?" "Do you see it?" "!" "Move!" "Man down!" "3 MINUTES EARLIER" "All right, guys, Angles, let's shag some flies." "Yeah, I don't know about this." "We had three injuries just running out of the dugout." "What are they gonna do during a game?" "They're gonna do what they always do..." "Yell "you got it" and get out of the way." "Come on, give me." "I got it!" "I got it!" "I got it!" "I got it!" " You got it!" " You got it!" "You know, dick, as safety officer, it really makes me happy to see your league embracing safety." "Yep." "Just like I'd like to embrace my wife..." "If she ever comes back." "Anyway, high marks all across the board." "Thank you, and I'm sorry about Emma, Sheldon, and, uh, I'd love to take credit for how safe it is out here, but, you know." "Ah, who are we kidding?" "This is all me." " Well, practices have really been a pleasure to watch." " Yep." "Boy, it's miles ahead of how it was before you took over in '09." "Yeah, I can't believe that Goldberg kid lost his hand." "Man." "You'd think chain link would be a little more forgiving." "All right, Dong." "Remember what we practiced now." "Shade your eyes with the glove, watch it, catch it." "Okay, Cannon." "Got it." "Season 1, Episode 7 "Safety Squeeze"" "Come on." "Come on, buddy." "Wake up." "You all right?" "He's dead." "I've seen this before." " We need a fixer." " No, see?" "See?" "He's not dead." "That head's 10% brain and 90%..." "Something else." "Here, come here." "Put this on your head." "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!" "Hang on." "Are you offering an alcoholic beverage to a minor, Cannon, in front of our regional safety officer?" "Am I wearing clown shoes?" "The piñata on this can turned red." "That means it's ice-cold." "You get that?" "That is completely unacceptable." " Where's your medical bag?" " Yeah." "Move!" "Man down!" "Hey, hey." "You're gonna be okay, buddy." "Here." "It's not half as bad as yesterday." "Or the day before." "Or the time you ate the rosin bag." "Angles, take a lap while we figure this thing out." "You, sir, are completely out of touch with the safety of these kids." "Yep." "He's a human pipe bomb." "I've been saying it for weeks." "And who exactly are you?" "This is Sheldon Bickell." "He's the regional safety officer." "I knew, uh, an Emma Bickell." "She was a very unhappy woman." "It's a common name." "What I just saw was a blatant violation of the league's safety rules." " I'm gonna have to report this." " Yes!" "Yes!" "And not to do your job, Sheldon, but I personally would recommend the four-hour safety seminar." " Who asked you?" " And you know what else?" "She's the coach, so she should have to go, too." " I went." " Oh, you did, short shorts?" "Then why are your kids still getting hit in the face with balls?" " I will kill you." " No, I'll do that." "Dick, as the president of the league, you have to go, too." " You're responsible for this guy." " Oh, come on, Sheldon!" "Dang it!" "What makes you think that, uh, I'll show up at this thing anyway?" "Do it." "Don't do it." "The choice is yours." "But if you're at the game, the Angles are gonna have to forfeit." " You'd be doing them a favor." " I will make sure he's there." "Do that." "I'll be there, too." "I have no place else to go." "Now, what makes you think you can make me do anything?" "You have to go." "You're keeping the kids from playing." "Just pretend you're at home not listening to me." "What?" " Hey." " Oh!" "If you're waiting for Michael, I'm pretty sure he rode his bike home with Danny." "Oh, no." "No, darling." "I am here for the kid hand-off." "Yes, it's the best and easiest way to spot the newly divorced dads." " You are an animal." " Oh, no, darling." "I'm a very sympathetic lioness, on the prowl for an emotionally wounded gazelle." "Ooh, yeah, see, I like him." "He knows how to spoil." "Lulu, are there any that you don't like?" "Yes, darling." "I will not do a parent who drives a car that starts with the letter "H."" " Oh, well, it's good to have standards." " Mm-hmm." "I will never date a man with a perm..." "Way too selfish." "Hey." "You okay?" "I'm fine, coach." "Just waiting on my dad." " You want to use my cellphone?" " It's okay." "I can do my homework until he gets here." "He almost never forgets to pick me up." "So, do your parents forget you sometimes?" "It's happened before." "They're really busy." "Don't worry." "I only live a few miles away." "If it gets too dark, I can just walk." "Oh, no." "No, no." "I know something about being alone." "I'll stay here and wait with you." "So, do you like video games?" "Are you hitting on me, coach?" "All right." "What's for dinner?" "Hold it." "What'd you bring the Fat Kid home for?" "I only made food for 40." " His name is Dudley, Cannon." " Thank you, Danny." "His dad didn't show, and I wasn't just gonna leave him at the field." " I'm gonna try him again, okay?" " Hey, Mother Teresa." "Why don't you try and just take him home?" "Because I know how scary it can be to be left alone in an empty house at night." "Well, I'd like to be left alone in an empty house at night." "Want to hear a knock-knock joke?" "Well, what do you think?" "Knock, knock." "Knock, knock." " Knock, knock." " You know, Cannon, it's gonna be a lot easier on all of us if you just say "Who's there?"" "Knock, knock." "Yes, Mr. Douglas." "He's fine." "I..." "No, I will not tell your son that your ex-wife is that word, nor will I tell your ex-wife that she is that word." "You know what?" "This is..." "This conversation's over." "Goodbye." "Hey, Terry." "This guy has to go." "He just told me 15 knock-knock jokes in a minute while inhaling a half a box of crackers, which is incredible and disgusting." "Well, Dudley is staying for dinner." "That ought to be a great show." "Dudley, your parents got the schedules mixed up." "Your dad's getting in touch with your mom, but until then, this is your house, okay?" "Yes!" "Uh, can I take two ice-cream sandwiches and stack them on top of each other and make a double-stuffed ice-cream sandwich?" "If that will make you feel better, sure." "Yay!" "No rules!" "Take that, calorie log." "Hmm." "Okay." "If fatty wants to stay, it's fine." "If I find teeth marks in my easy chair... done." "Your mom had an emergency at work, so you're gonna stay with us, okay?" "You comfortable, buddy?" " Now I am." " Okay." "All right." "You guys have my permission to stay up as long as you like, okay?" "Thanks, mom-Terry and brother-Danny." "Let's just stick to our regular names." "Good night." "Danny, are you still awake?" "It doesn't seem like I have much of a choice." "How long have your parents been divorced?" "About a year now." "Doesn't it suck how much they still fight?" "Well..." "I don't know." "I mean, it wasn't really like that for me." "My mom seems way happier now, and I like the way things are." "You lucked out." "My dad used to tuck me in at night and give me something to snuggle with." "I miss that." "If I give you Mr. Cuddles, will you stop talking?" "Yes." "You know what?" "Keep the bear." "Dudley kept me up all night." "I mean, he could have at least aimed himself towards the wall." "I know." "He kept me up, too." "He was rooting through that cupboard." "Sounded like a goat playing the drum set." "Dudley is going through a very difficult time, dad." "Neither one of his parents are there for him." " Imagine how he feels." " Well, I can't." " He ate my imagination." " Be nice." " Good morning, Dudley." " Good morning." "I made you some eggs..." "And bacon." " Hey, you just jacked my bacon." " No manners, no bacon." "You just make sure you go to that safety class today." "Oh, that's probably your mom." "Hurry and finish up, bud." "Knock, knock." "I know who's there..." "My bacon." "Terry, I am so sorry for the mix up." "Oh, it's no problem." "I just don't know how safe it is leaving him out at the field like that." "His father told me the nanny was gonna pick Dudley up, but chances are, she's in Phoenix with him." " Hey, mom." " There's my big cat." "Now, say thanks and get in the car." " Thanks, coach." " Of course." "Anytime, buddy." "Thank you." "Bye." "All right, welcome, coaches." "Over the next four hours, we are going to cover all of the safety procedures mandated by West Lake township." "Now, as you can see, thanks to last night's anger-management meeting, they've cleared out all of our chairs." "I have an idea... why don't we just circle it on up and have a seat on the floor?" "Come on, guys." "Uh, Mr. Gannon, why don't you join us here on the floor?" "See, I-I-I lived through the '60s, and I have no interest whatsoever in eating curry or passing around the peace pipe or playing "duck, duck, goose."" "I don't do floors, Sheldon." "Fine." "Let's begin." "What is safety?" "Safety always feels excellent together..." "Yay!" "M..." "O..." "R..." "O-N..." "Moron." "Yay." "That man does not speak for my league, to be clear." "Flag on the play." "That's not safe speech." "Hey, Dudley." "What a surprise." "Hey, coach mom-Terry." "Uh, hey, mom, you know, can I talk to you real quick?" "Dudley just kind of followed me home." "I didn't know what to do." "He just seems really lonely, you know?" "Okay." "You know what?" "Let me talk to him alone." " All right." " Thanks." "Hey." "How's it going?" " I've been better." " Yeah." "Yeah, I know how you feel." "After my mom died, my dad was hardly ever there for me." "I'm a grown-up, and it still hurts." "But you need to know, buddy, your parents' divorce is not your fault." "I just wish things could go back to the way they were." "They don't even go to my games anymore." "But I don't blame them." "I mean, who wants to see a fat kid strike out five times in a row?" "Let's remember our CPR technique, gentlemen." "It's 30 compressions and 2 breaths." "Pucker up, sweetheart." "I just ate a meatball sandwich." "Oh, come on!" " I-I want a different partner!" " And I'd like my wife back." "Unresponsive!" "He's back." "He's back." " Good teamwork, guys." " Thank you." "Oh, uh... uh, Sheldon," "I-I really want a different partner this time." "Can... can I work with Dennis this time just..." "Hold it." "Just a second." "What do you think..." "I'm a crazy person?" "Do you really believe for one second that I'd hit you with this bat?" "Exactly." "The Cannon is right." "Look, if you see anyone holding a baseball bat, you make sure that no one is within 5 feet of that person's safety bubble." "Today we're using wiffle-ball bats, but there is no comparison to the pain of walking home and seeing that your wife has left you for your sister." "Right, but he's within 5 feet of my..." "He was in my bubble." "Did you see that?" "He was in my bubble." "Trust me, Dick." "All right, this exercise will demonstrate what it feels like to completely trust one of your coaches." "Remember, if your kids don't trust you, they don't feel safe." "Boy, Dennis, I'm glad you're my partner." "I feel safe." "So, where are you from, man?" "It's a little weird you're not answering me." "And if you're ready, you can go." "Slow down, Dennis." "Talk to me, man." "I smell cologne." "No." "Aah!" "Want to go again, Dickie?" "You know something?" "This isn't just about you having fun terrorizing me." "Instead of banging me around, you could have used this opportunity to learn something." "I did." "I-I learned it's funny when your face hits a door." "You know what?" "I cannot imagine growing up with you as my dad." "It's no wonder Terry's a frickin' disaster." " Listen, you piece of crap." " Yeah." "Come on." "Let's go." "Whoa, whoa, whoa." "Hey, guys." "Guys, what's going on here?" "I was over here, you know, just trying to get into my safety bubble." "And then this guy comes and gets in my face." "That old bastard is lying to you right now!" " He's lying!" " See, that is hurt speech." " Yeah..." " And I feel very unsafe." " Dick, haven't you learned anything here?" " No!" "Guess not." "No!" "No, he hasn't." "And I fortunately have." "I mean, just coming to this safety seminar," "I've learned quite a bit about myself." "I've learned, you know, to respect and enjoy my time with the kids." "And, uh, also, I..." "I learned I have to get deep inside myself, you know, to find a better man, so these kids won't be f-frightened or scared." "So, what I'm saying is, thanks a lot, Sheldon, and, uh..." "I guess I'll see you on the field for my evaluation." "Thanks again." "Look at that." "Someone was listening." " You hear that, Dick?" " Oh, I heard it." " It works." " Mm-hmm." " Cannon, way to go." " Way to go, Cannon." "I'm granting you permission to enter my bubble." "Yeah." "I miss her so much, Cannon." "Oh, Mr. Douglas, it would just be so great if you changed your mind, took the high road with your wife, and just showed up to Dudley's game." "I'm out of wings and blue cheese." " I really love blue cheese." " Chelle... 20 more, extra blue." "Look at that." "They're on their way." "And there'll be more where that came from if you show up to the game." "Look, it's not my custody day." "I got plans." "Anyway, do I really want to be in the stands and have my wife yell at me for trying to be happy for once in my life?" "What about your son?" " Dudley knows I love him." " I don't think he does." "He needs you there." "You know what?" "Don't tell me what my son needs." "Cancel the wings." "I lost my appetite." "All right, Lulu." "Plan "B."" "Don't worry, darling." "I'll get him there." "Excuse me." "Um, sweetheart, I couldn't help but notice you drive a Jaguar." "Coach Terry!" "Both of my parents are here!" "I'm gonna get a hit today!" "I can just feel it!" "I know you are, buddy." "The day that kid gets a hit..." "You say one negative thing about Dudley, so help me," "I will make a cologne-flavored popsicle out of you with that baseball bat." "If you'd just let me finish." "I was gonna say the day that kid gets a hit would probably be today." "Bud?" "Stepping into your bubble." "I just want to say that you're, uh..." "You're a fantastic person." "And, you know..." "Good things." "So, you... y-you find me after the game, and I'm gonna put one of those rainbow stickers right on your helmet." "Will you put kitty whiskers on my face?" "Yeah." "Yeah." "You just find me." "Positive reinforcement, Shel." "Kids need that." "Safety." "Stepping out." "One, two, three..." "Cardinals!" "Great." "Eye of the kitty, buddy." "Eye of the kitty." " Get your finger out of my face!" " Oh, no." "Oh, no, no, no." " Don't you wave your finger at me!" " I'll put my finger wherever..." "Unbelievable." "Let's go, buddy." "Yeah!" "Yeah!" "Yeah!" "Yeah!" "Run!" "Come on!" "Come on!" "Come on, buddy!" "You're out!" " He's not out!" " Come on, coach." "That throw beat your kid's foot there by a mile." "I don't care where his foot was." "Yeah, but that's kind of the whole point." "No, it's not the point, okay?" "These... these kids need to feel safe." "Okay, they shouldn't have to go through this alone." "You need to be there, and you need to pay attention." "All right, all right." "I'm gonna need you to go back to the dugout and take whatever it is that your doctor prescribed you." "Do you see this?" "Do you see this?" "Do you see it?" "!" "His foot touched this bag." "That is supposed to mean he is safe, okay?" "!" "In fact, this should be the safest place on earth!" "It doesn't work like that, lady." ""Lady"?" "!" "That is exactly how it works!" "Because that is the job we signed up for as parents and as coaches, okay?" "!" " Let's go." " Ugh!" "Hey, that was a great hit today, Dud." "Great job." "Proud of you." "You didn't call me "Fat Kid."" "Well, don't worry." "I will next time." "Good hit." "No!" "No!" " Hey." " Hey." "That little blowup you had today, uh, made me really proud, Junior." "I guess babying the fat kid wound you up a little, right?" "Do you want to know why I was babying Dudley?" "No, not really." "Because I didn't want him to feel abandoned like I did when I was a kid." ""Abandoned"?" "Who did that?" "What do you call leaving a 10-year-old in a Mexican hotel room with a strange woman for a month?" "Club Med?" "Look..." "Juanita..." "She was a terrific lady and... and a great caretaker, and I was sure that you'd be safe with her." "Uh, by the way, what the heck can I do about it now?" "Why did you leave me like that?" "You know, mom had just died." "You left me with a complete stranger." "What did I do?" "No." "You did..." "I mean, you did nothing." "You know, when mom..." "When mom died, I, uh..." "I did a lot more than just drink a little bit." "I was a mess." "So I figured, uh, if I left you with, uh..." "Somebody I trusted..." "Really trusted..." "That you'd be, you know, a lot better off than being with me." "I really didn't want you to see me like that, you know?" "And, uh, so I just thought I did, uh, you know, the best that I could." "You sure didn't do anything, honey." "I'm sorry." "Dad." "Where did you go when you left?" "Some Mexican Betty Ford kind of thing." " But you still drink." " Well, it was in Mexican." "I mean, I-I didn't understand anything they said." "Knock, knock." "Knock, knock." "Knock, knock." "Knock, knock." "Knock, knock." "Knock, knock." "Knock, knock." "Knock, knock." "Knock, knock." "Knock, knock." "Knock, knock." "Knock, knock." "Knock, knock." "Knock, knock." "Knock, knock."