"Now?" "Yes, I can bring them over right now." "At the country club." "Yes, sir." "Right away, sir." "Would you mind knocking the next time?" "Certainly, master." "Where shall we go first?" "Jeannie, I'm sorry." "Something very important has come up." " I won't be able to take you out today." " But you promised." "This is Saturday, and you're not working." "And you said that you would spend the whole day with me." "Yes, I know I did." "But General Peterson wants me to bring some very important papers to him at the country club." " And he's in a big hurry." " A big hurry?" "A big hurry." "Good morning." "Good morning." "Jeannie..." "Jeannie!" "Jeannie." "Jeannie!" "This is nice." "It reminds me of the Hanging Gardens of Babylon." "Yes." "Yeah." "Jeannie, look I could be court-martialled for this." "I don't mind being out of uniform" "Would you mind getting me dressed, please?" "My briefcase, please." " What is this place?" " This is a" " A golf course." " Country club." "They play golf here." " Do you play this golf?" "No, I don't." "Jeannie, I have a very important report to get to the general." "Why don't you look around here, or something." "All right, master." "Maybe later on, if he doesn't need me, I could take you for a drive down to the beach, huh?" " Thank you, master." " Okay." "You just take a look around." "All right." "General." "Dr. Bellows." "Tony, you must live right next to the golf course." "The route I took, sir, there wasn't much traffic." "Strange." "When I drove out here, it was bumper-to-bumper." "I have the reports, sir." "The correlation tables worked out more or less the way we expected." "You'll be pleased." "Good." "I want to go over them before the meeting Monday morning." " Thanks for bringing it over." " Thank you, sir." " Doctor." " Goodbye, Major Nelson." "Doctor, we have a problem." "I know, sir." "I'm keeping an eye on him." "I'm talking about the fact that Admiral Tugwell and his aide are flying down here next week." "They're coming down to inspect the base?" "Don't be naive." "They've seen the base." "The admiral is coming down for some golf." "We do this once a year." "And he's beaten me seven years in a row." "This year I intend to beat him." "I wish you luck, general." "Now, the admiral and his aide shoot in the low 7 Os." "So do I." "But I can beat them if I can find the right man to play with." "Well, now, how about Henderson or Lukerthon?" "Well, they're good, but they're not good enough." "I need someone who's almost a pro, and that's where you come in." "I don't play golf, general." "But you have the files of every man on the base." "I want you to find me the best golfer we have." "I'm not going to let the Navy beat the Air Force again." "I understand, sir." " I'll just make a phone call." " You do that." "Excuse me, general." "That looks like fun." "Well, hello, major." "It is fun." "I'm Jerry Barber." "I'm the professional here." " How do you do?" "Very nice to..." " Would you like to try one?" "I don't play golf." "Sorry." "Oh, come on." "Go ahead." " Really?" " Please do." "Where did I go wrong?" "Major, put your feet a little farther apart." "Put your hands on the club a little over here." "Bend over a little." "Try it again." "Well, I'm afraid I'm not much of a golfer." "Try it again, major." "Feet a little farther apart." "Bend over a little at the waist." " Hands a little firmer on the club." " Right, right." "It's a lot harder than it looks." "I'd like to be able to knock this ball about 400 yards down the fairway." "Well, major, I'm afraid there's very few people that have ever done that." "And you're one of them." "That was a 400-yard drive." "I got his name, general." "It's Edward Sheldon." " He shoots in the low 7 Os." " Forget it." "I got a man who shoots in the 60s." " In the 60s?" "Who's that, sir?" " Major Nelson." "Tony Nelson?" "General, I happen to know he doesn't even play golf." "You really got it in for him, haven't you?" "Not at all, sir." "It's not my fault he doesn't play golf." "I saw him at a driving range one day with Major Healey." "He was terrible." "He's good enough to beat Admiral Tugwell." "I've been waiting for this chance for seven years." "General, if you want to win that match I assure you, you're making a terrible mistake." "I'm not only gonna win it, I'm doubling the stakes." "A 400-yard drive." "Could you do that again, major?" "Oh, no." "Never in a million years." "It's just a lucky fluke." "How about trying it?" "Well, all right." "If you really want me to." "You did it again." "That's the most remarkable drive I've ever seen in my life." "That's easily 400 yards." "Well, I guess I'm better than I thought." "Major, I guess maybe you are too." "Will you excuse me, major?" "I've got a lesson." "I'll have to be off." "Good luck to you." "Thank you." "And thank you for the instruction." " Thank you." " How about that." "Well..." "Hi, Jeannie." "Jeannie, what-?" "Did...?" "Oh, I see." "It's Dr. Bellows." " Major Nelson." " Dr. Bellows." "Have you taken up golf?" "No, I'm afraid I'll never become a golfer, sir." "Well, that's what I thought." "And yet I wouldn't want to be wrong again." " Wrong about what?" " Oh, nothing." "Oh, would you mind hitting a ball for me?" " And what for, sir?" " I'd just like to see you hit the ball." " Test my reflexes, sort of?" " Something like that." "All right." "You see, the important thing is to grip the club firmly bend over slightly and keep your feet wide apart." "I'm afraid that wasn't very good." "I'll give it another try." "No, no, no." "I've seen enough." "General Peterson would like you to stop by his office this afternoon." " I wonder why." " So do I." "So do I." "Be your golf partner in a tournament?" "Well, I'm afraid that's impossible, sir." "Impossible?" " Why is it impossible?" " Well, for one thing" "You're not turning professional, are you?" "Professional, sir?" "I couldn't even make amateur." " The admiral got to you." " No, sir." "I don't know who's been telling you I'm a great golfer, but they're kidding you." "My average drive is three feet." "That is, if the wind's with me." "Tony, I don't want to pry into your life." "If you've given up golf, I'm sure you had a good reason for it." " Given it up, sir?" " Well, maybe it's taken up too much of your time, or you gave someone a promise..." " ... not to play anymore." " No." "Sir, I assure you" "I don't care what your reasons are." "You're my partner in that golf match Saturday." "I want to win that more than I want to win anything in my life." "And you're asking me to be your golf partner?" "I'm not asking you, I'm telling you." "Someone's in for a big surprise Saturday." "Whatever made you do a thing like that?" " You did." " Me?" "Well, you said you wanted to hit the ball 400 yards." "Why do you listen to me?" " Because I want to make you happy." " You want to make me happy?" "At my own court-martial, you want to make me happy?" "Jeannie, if I don't play that game on Saturday General Peterson's gonna think I'm the poorest sport of the year." "And if I do play, he's gonna kill me." "Do not worry, master." "I will see that you play well." "Now, Jeannie, that's just the point." "I can't let you do something like that." "I don't know how it was in Baghdad in the old days but we have something here called sportsmanship." "You simply don't cheat at games." "You finally got me in a spot I can't get out of." "I'm sorry, master." "Hello." "Anybody home?" " Hi, Roge." " Hi, Tony." "Hi, Jeannie." "Hey, listen, do you two wanna laugh?" "You won't believe this." "There's a rumour going around the base that General Peterson picked you for his partner for the big golf match Saturday." " Is that wild?" " Oh, yeah." " It's also true." " You're not serious, are you?" "No, I'm not serious, but General Peterson is." " But you don't play golf." " I know I don't." "That's what I tried to tell General Peterson, but he wouldn't listen." "It is my fault." "I:" "And he:" " Well, I guess I'll be running along." " Wait a minute." "I'm in trouble, Roger." "I know." "That's why I'm running along." "I don't want to tangle with General Peterson." "He thinks of golf the way most people think of mother." "Roger, somebody needs to help me think of a way out of this." "Well, you could have Jeannie break General Peterson's arm." " That's it." " You want me to break..." " ..." "General Peterson's arm?" " No, no, my arm." "You want me to break your arm?" "No, Jeannie." "I don't want you to break anybody's arm." "But what's to stop me from putting a sling on my arm and telling General Peterson that I hurt it?" "That's brilliant." "You can't play golf with your arm in a sling." "Thanks, Jeannie." "Well, I better go tell General Peterson that he's just gonna have to..." " ... pick another partner for Saturday." " Well, good luck." "Yeah." "Are you telling me that Major Nelson has broken his arm?" "No, sir." "His arm is perfectly fine." " But he has it in a sling." " That's right." "I was wondering how Major Nelson was gonna get out of playing in that golf match." "Now we know." "Major Nelson is in Dr. Bellows' office." " I want him." " Yes, sir." " Oh, major?" " Yes?" "General Peterson would like to see you in his office." " Thank you very much." " Yes, sir." "There you are." "Listen, have you seen Peterson yet?" " No." " I just got the flash." "They're ready to pick the astronauts for the Apollo test flight." "What?" "Yeah, and I think they'd like someone with two arms." "You'll be able to spot all the classic symptoms of the faker immediately, general." "When he comes in that door, notice his expression." "It'll be listless." "And the way he moves as though he's racked with pain." "General Peterson, you want to see me, sir?" "You should have seen the expression on Dr. Bellows' face." "How did you explain the sling, master?" "Well, luckily, I didn't tell Dr. Bellows I had had an accident." "He told me I'd had an accident." "I am pleased that everything turned out so well, master." "Oh, yeah, everything's just great except for one tiny detail." " What is that?" " I'm in the same trouble I was when I walked out of this house this morning." "General Peterson still expects me to play in that game on Saturday." "Hi, Tony." "Hi, Jeannie." "Well, Merry Christmas from your friendly golf instructor, Roger." " What's all this?" " This is a solution to your problems." "I'm going to teach you how to play golf." "You see, master, your problem is solved." "You really think you can do it, Roge?" "Well, at least when you get out there Saturday you won't make a complete fool out of yourself." "Well, Roger, I certainly appreciate this." "Well, let's see how you can putt, huh?" "Look, just follow my instructions..." " ... and you won't have any problems." " All right." "Just hold a club like this, nice and relaxed." " All right." " Okay." " Now, bend over." " Bend over." " Head over the ball." " Head over the ball." " Feet apart." " Feet apart." " Knees together." " Knees together." " Now, just relax the wrist." " Relax the wrist." "Right there." "Now, just a short backswing." "Short backswing." " Follow through, and hit the ball." " Right." "Would you like me to move the cup to the ball?" " No." "Thank you, Jeannie." " Well, you only missed it by a room." "Naturally, it'll take me a little time to get the hang of it." " Yeah, naturally." "Naturally." " How long do you think it'll take..." " ... before I'm ready for the match?" " If you practice hard every day?" " Yeah, if I practice hard every day." " About 1985." "Golf clubs, golf shoes." "Got my golf tees." " Golf balls." "Golf balls!" " Here they are, master." "Thank you, Jeannie." " What are you all dressed up for?" " I'm going to the tournament with you." "Fine." "Fine." " You do not mind?" " No, of course not." "Why should I mind?" "You could always" "You could always caddy for me." "I would be happy to, whatever that is." "Well, it's very simple." "You take a tee like this, you see, and you" "I'm sorry, would you mind getting that for me, please?" "Certainly, master." "I'm sorry about this but you'll have to stay in there until the game's over." "But you need me, master." "Yeah." "Yeah, I know I do but the force of genies aren't allowed." "I think your partner's got cold feet and isn't gonna show up." "He'll be along." "He doesn't know what sharks you two are." "Well, we'll try and give him a good game, general." " Sorry I'm late, sir." " This is Major Nelson." "Admiral Tugwell." " Nice knowing you, major." " Pleasure." " Commander Davis." " How do you do?" "What do you-?" "What's your game?" " What do you shoot?" " Well, quail mostly." "He's too smart to give anything away." "You'll see when you put your money up." "Pete, would you like to double last year's stakes?" "Well, I don't know." "You know, Major Nelson's not much of a player." "He's..." "Well, he's kind of a last-minute replacement but, still I'll double the stakes." " Done." " Done?" "Sir, could I speak to you a moment?" "Privately." "Major, no secret strategy meetings, please." " I'll talk to you later." " Yeah, I'm sure you will." "Well, come on, let's get some practice." " Hey, nice drive." " Good one, commander." "Very good, sir." "You think you can follow that, general?" "Yeah." "Good luck, sir." "Oh, thank you, major." "Very good, sir." "Very good." "You didn't come out here for nothing, did you?" "Well, anchors aweigh." " Nice shot, Roy." " Yeah, very nice." " Oh, me." " All right, major." " Tricky little devils, aren't they?" " Yes." "You're not going to use an iron, are you, major?" " What, sir?" " Here, use my driver." "Thank you." " I can't even see it." " The ball is still on the tee." "Sir, I'd like to explain." "You don't have to explain." "That was brilliant." " Brilliant?" " Why didn't I think of that?" "You just keep on pretending that you're a dub." "Then at the last minute, you'll come through and we'll wallop them." "Yes." "Don't overdo it." "These guys are pretty smart." "They know that no one could be that bad." "We'll concede that, major." "We do want to finish the 18 holes before dark." "That's all right, major." "You're only 16 strokes behind." "Don't you think you ought to start now, Tony?" "I have started, sir." "What you're seeing is my game." "All right." "But don't keep it up too long." "Roger, what are you doing here?" "Well, I thought I'd stop by and see how my pupil's doing." "My score is 29." " You're kidding." " On the third hole." "Holy" " Are you keeping your eye on the ball?" "I'm keeping my eye on a jet that'll take me to Brazil." "Roger, I'm getting slaughtered." "I don't mind so much for myself." "But if we lose, it's gonna kill General Peterson." "Yeah, and if it kills General Peterson, it's going to kill you." " Why isn't Jeannie helping?" " Well, you know how she is." "Yeah, she's great." "She's here, isn't she?" "Roge, I don't want to hold up the game." "Wait a minute." "Why don't you have her help you?" "Because I don't think General Peterson would want to win that way." "Jeannie!" "Jeannie!" "Thank you, Major Healey." "Jeannie, your master's in trouble." "You gotta" "Boy, that's one golf match I would have loved to have seen." "Would you like to pick it up and take the penalty?" "No, no, no." "It's fine." "General, nothing short of a miracle is gonna make you win this match." "You never know when a miracle is gonna happen, do you?" "Any time, major." "Yes." "Sorry, sir." "I didn't even see you hit the ball, major but it was a beautiful drive." "I'm afraid that's your ball, major." "Tough luck." "Snead used a slice on a lie like this." "Slice." "Yes, a slice." "You're going to use a putter?" "Yes, I always use a putter on a lie like this." "Pardon me, gentlemen." "Fantastic." "Yes." "Yes, you might say that, sir." "Wow!" "What do you think of that?" "Another 40-footer." "I've been playing golf for nearly 30 years and I've never seen anything like it." "You know what your score is like, major?" "No, sir." "Well, you've got four eagles, four double eagles seven holes in one." "Your total score is 54." "That's good, huh?" "Well, Sam Snead won a tournament with a 59." "You were five under him." "Major, it certainly has been a privilege..." " ... to play golf with you." " Yes, sir." "I'll mail you a check, Pete." "No, no, sir." "I couldn't allow you to do that." "Why, he's right." "The kind of golf we were privileged to be a part of today shouldn't be tainted with commercialism." "Well, thank you, general." "You broke every record in the book." "Yes, sir, I know, and a few that weren't in the book." "Shall we go?" "They said it was the greatest golf game they've ever seen." "Fifty-four." "I should say so." "I knew I was a good golf teacher..." " ... but that's ridiculous." " If you like, I can cut that score in half." "No, thanks, Jeannie." "Frankly, I don't care if I ever see another golf club again." "Thanks." " Hi." "Dr. Bellows." " Skedaddle." "Major Healey." "Major Nelson." "I just dropped by to congratulate you on your victory." "Thank you, sir." "I'm sorry I wasn't able to watch the game." "Yeah, so was I." " But however, I'll watch the next one." " Next one?" "I don't think that Tony's going to be playing golf anymore, sir." "Oh, yes, he is." "General Peterson has just entered you in the National Open." "And I'll be there to watch your every move." "Well, gentlemen, if you'll just excuse me." "Yeah..."