"I would say..." "Let's see, he was busted at least nine or 10 times." "Twice for possession of narcotics and three, four times for obscenity." "Ladies and gentlemen, Lenny Bruce." "Did you know that Eleanor Roosevelt gave Lou Gehrig the clap?" ""What did he say?" "Jesus Christ, is that cruel!" ""Must he get that low for laughs?" ""What's the point?" "That's really bad taste."" "The point is the suppression of words." "Now, dig." "Here it is 1964, and yet every doctor I know tells me  that a certain disease is becoming an epidemic again  when everybody knows, or should  that one shot in the ass would knock it out." "And yet, there it is:" "VD." "Right up there with the top 10." "Why?" "Because nobody talks about it." "Nobody even wants to say the word." "If the community chest hits on you, do you say:" ""Excuse me, but how much of my dollar is going for the clap?"" "I don't think you do, man." "What we have to do is start talking about it." "What we need is to get some of our national heroes  to admit they've had it." "All right, Eleanor Roosevelt gave Lou Gehrig the clap." "She also gave it to Chiang Kai-shek." "And he gave it to J. Edgar Hoover, man." "Which is how it really spread." "All right, a boy gets the clap." "Can he go to his father?" "Forget it, he can't relate." "He's lucky if he can go to some schmuck  who sweeps the store, not even the druggist." ""Manny, I gotta talk to you."" ""What's the matter?"" ""I got the clap."" ""Jesus." "Where'd you get that?"" ""Painting a car, schmuck!" "What's the difference?" "I got it!"" ""What do you want from me?"" ""You work in a drug store." "Give me some pills."" ""All right." "Here."" ""Dexedrine spansules." "Is this good?"" "" Yeah, it's all the same horseshit." ""Keeps you awake so you know you got it, right?"" ""The reason I want these pills is..." ""..." "I got a good job and I don't want to get laid off."" ""Where you working?"" ""The meat-packing plant."" "You know, I'll tell you what we really need." "Maybe one day, Jerry Lewis would go on television  and instead of getting hung up with muscular dystrophy  he'd have a clap-a-thon!" "Forget it." "It'll never happen." "You know why?" "Because talking about it  makes you the worst person in the community." "When did you first meet Lenny?" "It was back in 1951, Baltimore." "I was headlining." "Headlining?" "I was working at this club." "A-one, two, a-one, two, three, four!" ""Now, when the saints" ""Go marching' in, yeah!" ""Now, when the saints go marchin' in"" "Yeah!" "Thank you." "And now, here's the moment that you've all been waiting for." "So without further ado, may we present Hot Honey Harlowe!" "Let's hear it, everybody!" "Eddie..." "Look at that hair." "Who's the guy over by the window?" "Lenny Bruce." "He's a comic." " What kind of comic?" " Lousy." " I think I know her from somewhere." " Fake hair." "Really?" " He's cute." " Cute?" "He does crap." "Old jokes, lousy impressions." "I really had problems when I was a kid." "It wasn't until I was 8 years old  that I figured out my name wasn't "Shut Up."" "All right, folks, how 'bout some bird impressions?" "Bobwhite." "Bobwhite backwards." "A duck." "A swallow." "A goose." "Boy..." "Did you ever feel that you're in an amateur contest  and you're losing?" "All right, folks, let's get back to the sure-fire stuff, now." "So let's go to the Show Business Hall of Fame  where the emcee is my good friend  the old schnozola himself." "It's granite out there." "Thanks, but, you know, the other day, I went into the shoe store  and I said to the clerk, "Do you sell alligator shoes?"" "And he said:" ""What size does your alligator wear?"" "You're really something, Durante." "And now, I'd like to introduce you to my favorite singer  Vaughan Monroe." ""Racing with the moon"" "If his act was so lousy there must have been something that attracted you." "What was there about him?" "He was just I don't know huggable." "Thank you." "My mother's a comic." "I got out of the service and I changed my name, and, you know..." "What's your real name?" "Leonard Alfred Schneider." "Why'd you change it?" "Too Jewish." "I like the name Bruce." "Now, Bruce sounds like the captain of the football team." "That's why I changed it, but the first guy I met whose name was Bruce tried to kiss me." "418, please." "What hotel are you at?" "621, please." " Here?" "You're kidding." " No." " Well?" " Well?" " Aren't you going to answer it?" " Why?" "How do you people really feel about doing it?" "Isn't that about the dirtiest thing we could do to each other?" "I mean, it's really not nice, doing it." "What's the worst thing you can say to anybody? "Fuck you, mister."" "That's weird, because if I wanted to hurt you  I should say, "Unfuck you, mister."" "Because "fuck you" is really nice, man." ""Hello, Ma!" "It's me!" ""Yeah, I just got back." ""Fuck you, Ma!" ""Sure, I mean it." ""Is Pop there?" ""Pop, my Pop." ""Fuck you, too, pop."" "What?" "I can't believe it." "I just cannot believe it." "That I'm eating?" "Yeah, that you're eating." "No, that you're here, and that I'm here with you." "I can't believe it." "Do you know, the first time I saw you in the cafeteria I wanted to go right up to you and say:" ""Hi, I'm Lenny Bruce, and I got the hots for you."" "Now, why didn't I do that?" "Now, why didn't you do that?" "Would've saved a lot of time." "Would've saved a lot of time." "I know why." " You're shy." " Yes." "I've always been shy." "Even as a kid?" "Even as a kid." "I've tried to get over it, but I've always been very shy." "I guess when you get right down to it I'm just basically a very shy person." "Don't you have to go to work?" "Yes, I do, but I think I should stay here and try to solve this problem of extreme shyness." "Maybe I shouldn't be telling you some of this, but it was quite a week." "Honey?" "Listen, someday, I'd like you to meet my mother." "Did you stay together then?" "No, I had to go to Miami to work." "But Lenny called every day, and one day, he called and said he was coming down 'cause he couldn't stand to be without me." "We're all the same schmuck..." "And it just cracks me up that we try so desperately to be unique  when we're all the same cat:" "Eisenhower, Kennedy, Johnson, me, you." "Every cat has got that one chick who really busted up his ass." "He's here!" "Just a minute." "There he stands in his underwear, pleading like a dummy." ""Please, will you touch it once?" ""You never touch it anymore." "Just touch it once."" ""You want me to when I don't feel like it?" ""Even when I got a headache?" ""Even when I get no pleasure from it?"" ""Yeah, that's right, 'cause I'm a dummy, I gotta get it touched, right?" ""If I wait for you, you'd never touch it."" ""I touch it a lot."" ""No, you don't." "You think you touch it a lot." ""You used to touch it a lot." ""Now it's a big favor to get you to touch it." ""It's got to be like a big holiday..." ""..." "like Armistice Day, right?"" ""All right." ""If you're gonna make me feel guilty..." ""...bring it over here, I'll touch it."" ""No, no, don't do me any favors." ""I'll just touch it myself."" "That's it, man." "We're all the same schmuck." "Oh, my God!" "Man!" "Is that an album cover!" "Why don't you come in, big boy, and pick a few flowers?" "Yeah." "It's a shiksa goddess." "That's about the time I came into the picture." "In what capacity?" "What was your relationship?" "Personal manager." "Friend." "You know the relationship between a client and an agent is a very delicate one, very delicate." "You don't know how far to get involved in their personal lives." "Lenny, you name it, she's done it." "I mean the whole bit." "By the time she was 15, she had already done time." "So you can just imagine." "Look, Lenny, I'd like to be more than just an agent to you." "I think you know how I feel about you." "Otherwise, I would never tell you these things." "What did you do, Artie?" "Hire a private eye?" "I didn't have to." "No, I heard you two were hanging around a lot together, you know." "Well, it's none of my business, I know, but I just started asking around about her." " I started hearing these things." " I love you." "There was this one guy who said that he knew her and went to a party with her, and she..." "Lenny, look, I don't have to spell it out for you, do I?" "Did my mother have anything to do with this?" "Sally?" "No." "Look, Lenny, I'm not making this stuff up." "This isn't a very pleasant thing to have to do, you know." "If you don't believe me I mean, check it out yourself." "I don't have to, man." "She already told me herself." "But thanks." "I mean, I got involved in a lot of things which I wish I didn't get involved in." "You know, very painful things in his personal life." "It seems you really cared for him." "Yeah." "I loved that guy." "I really did." "Honey?" "Let's get married." "What?" "I was a June bride." "And I remember I was wearing a bengaline suit had on high heels, the judge was Judge Liddy." " You remember everything, don't you?" " Yeah." "A lot of it." "They've been sitting down there like that for 15 minutes!" " Why doesn't she let him come up?" " Mema, give her a chance." "She's probably a very lovely girl." "I knew all about her." "Then I figured, "Listen, it's his life, and if that's who he loves..." ""...that's fine with me."" " But what can they be talking about?" " About us, dummy!" "Jesus!" "There goes the hair!" "My mother will be on all the time." "She probably won't even know you're there." " Good, then I won't have to go up." " But you gotta meet Aunt Mema." "I'll get her to do her famous "feh" for you." ""Feh?" What's that?" "Her impression of a Jewish seagull." "You'll see, come on, man, let's go." "Lenny?" "Do me a favor?" "Please don't call me "man."" "I really wanted her to like me." "In-laws, you know." "I gotta tell you about the first time that this schmuck ever worked a club." " Here it comes again." " Never been on stage before and I'm working this club on Ocean Parkway, the Victory Club." "What a joint!" "The customers were so tough they wore wool suits in the summer, with no underwear." "Now, listen." "I know you know the story, but I'm going to tell it anyway." "One night, the emcee didn't show." "He had trouble with his car." "The police found marijuana in the trunk." "You hadn't heard that before." "How long did you know Leonard before you two got married?" "You're on your own." "Mema, I'm on, okay?" "So I'm sitting in the bar, see." "And in walks Lenny." "You should've seen me." "I had on the brown suede shoes and Billy Eckstine collar." "So I says, "Lenny, the emcee didn't show tonight." ""How's about if I introduce you, and you introduce the acts?"" "And he says, "No, are you kidding with that?"" "And I says, "There's nothing to it." ""You don't have to be funny." "It's just intros..." ""..." "like, 'Here's Slip and Slap.'" ""'How's about a hand for "Schmutz" and "Drek?"'"" ""Drek" is Yiddish for shit." "So finally, he says, "Okay, why not?"" "So three seconds later, I'm in the toilet." "All over the brown suede shoes." "Leonard!" " Blah!" " Feh!" ""Feh!" There it is." "Hold it, the star is on!" "Now, listen, I'm up there, see?" "And I've got the microphone, and I'm saying to everybody:" ""Folks, the emcee couldn't make it tonight..."" ""...but luckily, a good friend of mine..." ""...and a funny, funny guy..."" "Bullshit!" "You said "the funniest guy..."" "You said "the funniest guy in the world."" "You're right!" "Right!" ""Leonard Alfred Schneider, who just flew in from the coast..." ""...from the "Sullivan Show", happens to be in the club."" "You dig what she did to me?" "My own mother." "I have never been on the stage in my life, and I gotta go out and try to be funny." "You were so nervous that you came rushing out..." "And he tripped over the mike cord and he knocked us both flat on our asses!" "It's true." "It's true." "You never heard such a laugh." "Mainly hers." "So how long did you two know each other before you got married?" "Yes, we must know the answer!" "How long had we known each other before we got married?" "About half an hour." "I picked him up on the "D" train after he exposed his "putz" to me." " Terrific!" " "Putz"?" "I love it! "Putz"!" Terrific!" "It's true." "Mema, it's true." "I met her on the "D" train, and I gave her one of these." "That's a small "feh." Want to hear a loud "feh"?" "I went right up to her, and I went..." "That's a loud "feh."" "Can I show Sophie?" "Sophie?" "Sophie's her best friend." "Sophie, meet Linda." "Sophie, this is the way I met my wife!" "Mema doesn't like it, I don't understand it." "Mema, you used to kiss it when I was little." "Lenny, she's a terrific girl!" "There's no bigger test of how hip you really are  than when your girlfriend becomes your wife." "That's a new one." "Why?" "You're walking around with your jugs and your "pupik" sticking out  and guys are sittin' there watching you with newspapers and hats in their laps." "You're jealous!" "I like that." "I thought maybe we could work something out that we could do together." " What, a double act?" " Yeah." "Dig what I mean, like, you talk to the average guy." ""Look at that chick over there." ""Isn't that a pretty chick?"" ""Yeah." "She's beautiful." ""She's got a pretty face and..." ""...nutty jugs." ""Would you marry a woman like that?"" ""Yeah, are you kiddin' me?"" ""Would you let your wife dress that way?"" ""No!" "Are you kidding?" "I'd knock her right on her ass!"" ""What'd you dig her for in the first place?"" ""You know, her jugs were sticking out."" ""You don't want her to dress that way now?"" ""No!" "You crazy?" "That's my wife!"" "I'll have to cancel some of my..." "Forget it." "Okay, daddy." "A double act." "Okay?" "That's where the conflict starts." "We all want for a wife  a combination Sunday school teacher  and $500-a-night hooker." "He started working with me to be a singer." "And he really played like Flo Ziegfeld or somebody." "And we were together 24 hours a day." "So we started working around club dates, Catskills." "And it wasn't a bad act." "Really." "Not a bad act." "Coming from a big star like you, Mr. Hart, that really means a lot to us." "And that's a very pretty little lady you got there." "Very pretty." "Thank you." "I might be able to use you on my show sometime." "Thank you." "'Course, I love you, Lenny." "I love you younger guys coming up." "You younger guys are what makes this business a pleasure for me." "Who wants to be a parent with no children, a king with no princes?" "I was talkin' to Henny Youngman on the "Barry Gray Show" about that." " Did you catch it?" " She never misses it, Sherman." "Right?" "Right." "Kiddo, what I'm tryin' to say, you're so talented." "I'd hate to see you get off on the wrong foot." "Work clean, Lenny." "Don't resort to using dirt." "There was a big beef about your show the other night." "Lucky for you, I ran into Jack Goldstein." "I stopped him from phoning in a bad report on you." "I appreciate that, Sherman, but it was just a mistake, man." "It was a comedy of errors." "We just finished the duet, and I was bored doing the same old jokes." "It was hot, so, dig I took off my jacket, I turned to the band, and I said, "Now for my 'jacket-off' bit."" "And the mike picked it up." "So the band cracked up." "And I looked off at Honey..." " And I cracked up." " And then I cracked up." "I know it looked the worst, man, but it was just stupid." "That's very stupid." "A comic has to use his head." "Up there, you gotta be thinking every second." "Thank you, thank you." "As you know, ladies and gentlemen  one of the all-time greats of show business is here." "In fact, he got his start right here in this hotel." "Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Entertainment himself  Sherman Hart, ladies and gentlemen!" "Sherman Hart!" "You're wonderful!" "You're beautiful!" "You're heaven!" "Beautiful audience." "Lenny, baby, I just love what you're doing up there." "You'll love it when you see it on my comedy hour  Wednesday night, CBS." "Thank you, you're beautiful!" "I might as well tell you the times." "It's 9:00 Eastern, 7:00 Rocky Mountain, and 4:00 a.m. In Tokyo." "Tokyo!" "You're beautiful!" "Thank you." "Lenny, baby, sweetie, do me a favor." "Would you just talk a little slower?" "I can't write that fast." "Go get 'em!" "Sherman Hart, ladies and gentlemen!" "You're wonderful!" "You're super!" "Thank you!" "Go get 'em, kid." "You know, folks, just to digress for a second, I know that  I'm new at this and have lot to learn  but, thanks to Sherman  I realize I made a mistake out here the other night." "And if I offended any of you  I'd really like to apologize." "So, by way of making it up to you, I..." "I think I'm gonna piss on you." "Why?" " Look, I just want to get out of here." " Why would you do such a terrible thing?" "Especially on the High Holiday weekend!" "Everybody's going to be warned about you!" "You won't work another club, room, anything!" "You're finished!" "Finished in show business!" "No!" "No!" "Not that!" "Not that!" "Okay, you'll see!" "You got a rough road ahead of you, sonny!" "Especially with your dirty mouth and your no-talent wife!" "Come here, Jack." "There isn't one Puerto Rican in your kitchen that hasn't "shtupped" your wife." "Thanks for everything." "What does he know about talent?" "Are you all right?" "Okay." "What is dirty?" "And what is clean?" "Now, if I had to make a choice, man." "I would rather my kid watches a stag movie..." ""... than a clean movie like" King of Kings." ""Why?" "Because" King of Kings is full of killing  and I don't want my kid to kill Christ when he comes back." ""That's what happens in" King of Kings." "But tell me about a stag movie where anybody gets punched or killed." "If you're lucky, you might see someone get tied up with a Wembley tie, or  tapped lightly with a Hickok belt  but for the most part, all you really see during that hour and a half  is a lot of hugging and kissing  moaning and groaning." "God, and then near the end of the movie  when that one potential instrument of death is revealed  the pillow." "The pillow that he might smother her with like in one of those horror flicks." "He takes that pillow and gently slides it under the girl's ass  and they go off." "And nobody gets hurt or killed, and it's nice." "And that's the end of the movie." "Somebody help!" "Please, somebody help!" "I had cuts all over my arms, my legs." "I had a big gash right across here." "My bladder was punctured." "I was in shock for three weeks." "It was very dramatic." "Would you like some cold coffee, Mr. Bruce?" "Thank you." "Yes." "Okay, I will." "Mr. Bruce, you can go in now." " What is that, Doctor?" " Morphine." "Some people have all the fun." "I love you." "Mr. Bruce." " Don't leave your coat." " Thanks." "Let me help you on with it." " Thank you." " You're welcome." "Shit." "Let's face it." "Guys are different." "Ladies just don't understand this." "Because, to a lady, cheating means hugging and kissing and liking somebody." "You have to at least like somebody." "With guys, that doesn't enter into it  because guys are detached." "They're different." "You put a guy on a desert island, he'll do it to mud  a chicken, a barrel, anything, a knothole." "So if you know this about guys, would you feel hurt  if you came home and you found your husband in bed with a chicken?" ""A chicken!" "A chicken in our bed!"" " "Come on..." - "Don't touch me!"" ""You want your dinner?" "Get your chicken to get it for you."" "You know, in New York, it's illegal." ""Seeming sexual intercourse with an animal." ""To wit, a chicken." That's the literal." "But how can you even fantasize it?" "They're too short." ""How come you're alone tonight?" "Your chicken leave town?"" ""Will you leave me alone with the chicken?" "I was drunk." "I met her in the yard." ""Anyway, I was thinking of you the whole time I was doing it."" "Do I have to stay in this thing?" "I can walk, you know." "The rules, Mrs. Bruce." "Just as far as the door." "You don't want to break the rules, do you?" "Here we go." "Take it easy." "Easy, easy." "You okay?" "You sure?" "Good-bye, Mrs. Bruce." " Good-bye, Mr. Bruce." " Bye." "It's been very nice meeting you both." "Thanks for everything." "Thanks a lot." "You made it with her, didn't you?" "Deny it." "Flat out deny it." "If you really love your wife, deny it." "If they got pictures, deny it." "It bugged me at first." "You know, it hurt." "If they walk in on you, deny it." "Just say this chick came into the apartment shivering  with a sign that said:" ""I have malaria." "Lie on top of me, and keep me physically active, or I'll die."" "Later, I found out a lot about why he did things like that." "And chances are, man  they'll believe it." "Do you know why?" " He needed to prove himself." " He needed to prove himself." "Because they want to believe it." " Insecurity, probably." " Insecurity." "I understand, when you left the hospital, you had a nice surprise, right?" " Yeah." " You feel okay?" " A little weak." " Okay, now, don't look until I tell you to." " Okay." " Wait." "Now." "Big black Cadillac." "It's ours." "Where did you get the money?" "The insurance?" "$7,000." "Two more accidents like this, and we're set for life." "It's beautiful." " It's the most..." " I love it." "I really love it." "You should've seen the salesman." "He said, "This car is the same one Ike and Dick drive."" "I swear to God, that's what he said." "He said, "You take it from Fat Boy." "It's almost new." ""It's only been used once, and that was in a suicide pact..." ""...so there's just a little bit of lipstick around the exhaust pipe, you see."" " I'll take it." " That's good, young lady." "Where we going, Fat Boy?" "First, Fat Boy's going to take you to the motel where he gonna give it to you the same way he been givin' it to the public for 25 years." "And in the same location, too." " You promise?" " I promise." "Then where we going, Fat Boy?" "Then Fat Boy's gonna take you to that great big used car lot in the sky." "You know where that is?" "California." " No!" "California?" " Come on, Fat Boy." "Get on!" "I love you, Fat Boy." "Well, we're off to California." "The new life, you know?" "We're working our way across the country playing these really dinky clubs." "We usually bombed, but it was kind of fun, you know?" "And that's where it all started." "We were working this club in Detroit and we were all clowning around in the dressing room and this drummer comes up and says:" ""You cats want to try something groovy?"" "And we said, "Sure."" "So he hands us these little straws, and we started sniffing this stuff up our noses, you know." " Was it cocaine?" " No." "It was heroin, stuff." "How did that make you feel?" "We sort of went bananas, crying, jumping up and down stamping all around." " And Lenny?" "Lenny started laughing." "It was kind of fun, you know." "Before we're done with this town, sweetheart we'll have your jugs in cement in front of Grauman's Chinese." "We bought pots and pans and dishes and stuff like that and started setting up housekeeping." "It was really terrific for a while, and then..." "Do you want to see a picture I took of Lenny?" "And then what?" "The double act wasn't getting anywhere." "We'd gone through our savings pretty fast." "So I went back to work stripping  and Lenny took whatever jobs he could." "We got in with this crowd  and, you know, show people, musicians, stuff like that." "And they were all  messing around, fixing, stuff like that." "You do things on dope that normally wouldn't come into your mind to do." "Why not?" "I just don't want to, that's all." "It'll be nice." "Why do you keep pushing this, Lenny?" "You keep pushing." "I don't know." "A little excitement." "It'd be good for us." "I don't think we can handle it." "Honey, that's very unhip." "Maybe I'm not hip." "Do you love me?" "Yeah." "Don't you know that I love you?" "Yeah." "So?" "And now, a word about dykes." "I like dykes." "How could you say that?" "Lenny, Jesus Christ!" "You were the one that talked me into these freak scenes." "I didn't need to do too much talking, did I?" "God." "I knew it." "I knew it." "I told you this was gonna happen." "You didn't tell me you were going to love it so much." "That's what Will Rogers once said, man." ""I never met a dyke I didn't like."" "You're crazy." "You know I made it with that nurse." " I know it." " She was terrific." "You know I made it with other chicks, too, right?" "I don't want to play this stupid game!" "Don't you want to tell me about the Chinese chick in the club?" "You didn't know I knew that, did you?" "I love you, Lenny." "Why don't you tell me to stop?" "Why don't you tell yourself to stop?" " Tell me." " Why?" "You obviously dig it." "So, you know that's cool." "You son of a bitch!" "Why do you always have to be so fucking hip?" "If you notice, comics will do endless fag jokes  but never dyke jokes." "You know why?" "Because dykes will really punch the shit out of you." "It's really hard to spot dykes." "Yeah." "You know why?" "Because sometimes, we're married to 'em." "I love you." "You were together and apart several times during that period." "What was it that you really wanted from the marriage?" "I wanted a baby." "I always wanted a baby." "I thought it would help us, you know?" "Bring us together." "So we both cleaned up for a while and on November 7, 1955, Kitty was born." "We were like a real family for a while." "And then I had to go back to work, and travel a lot and Lenny started emceeing these strip joints, real dives." "We didn't get to see much of each other, and..." "I don't know..." "Sometimes things just don't work out, and you really never understand why." "Do you want to see a picture I took of Kitty?" "No, dummy, in your mouth." " Man, what time is it?" " 9:30." "Mommy will be here pretty soon, okay?" "Bye." "Just couldn't get a cab." "Called three places, and they said they'd send one, but nada city." "I finally got one." "Right." "Kitty, Mama's sorry she's late." " She knows Daddy's mad." " Mr. Bruce." "Mr. Bruce." "Your order ready." " How much?" " $2.75." "Your missus, she's the cutest girl I ever see." "Receipt?" "Take a fortune cookie, and say hello to her." " She a wonderful wife." " We're divorced." "You better off." "It's really hard when you break up with your old lady." "Because at first, you think:" ""Man, that's groovy." "Screw her, I'll really swing now."" "But the kind of chicks you meet when you're divorced  are divorced chicks, man." "And they all have that 6-year-old kid." "He's like a prop from Central Casting." "And if they don't have that kid, they have that French poodle  that has to be allowed in the bedroom all the time, right?" "He's on the bed when you're trying to do it." ""What is the function of this dog here?"" ""He's just looking at us." "He just wants to watch."" ""Wants to watch?" "I'm not an exhibitionist." ""You get out of here, you pervert."" "Those sick red eyes, man." "Tap dancing on the linoleum floor  with that pink thing sticking out." "It's like a lipstick, right?" "If you've been married for five years  and it goes into the shithouse  then you're going to spend a lot of time throwing up." "And when it's over, about the only satisfaction you can have  is to get even." "Get even with the chick." "Get that kid." "Get even." "I got the kid." "He just stole her from me." "We were in Hawaii and I'd gotten busted for having a little pot in my car." "I was waiting trial, and he knew I couldn't leave and he took her, man." "He just took her." "I'm sorry, the tape ran out." "I don't think I got all of that sound." "Just give me a second, and then maybe repeat that for me, please." "No, forget it." "I know why." "He took her because he knew I couldn't take care of her." "Because of drugs?" "But custody doesn't mean "get even."" "What custody really means  is I raise." ""I get up in the morning." "I" schlep "the kid."" "I clean." "I love." "It's hot." "Custody's a lot of dos." "Is good, right?" "You better off with me, right?" "It's probably for you." "I'll tell them you're eating and to call back later." "Here, here." "Have yourself an orgy." "Yeah?" "I have a collect call for Mr. Lenny Bruce from Honey Bruce in Honolulu." " Yeah, this is him." " Will you accept the charges?" "Yeah." "Just a moment." "Go ahead." "Lenny?" "Hi." "What's shakin', man?" "What do you want?" "I think you called me." "Right." "What are you doin'?" "Nothing." "It's my night off." "Right." "I've got some really good news." "I met this agent who said maybe he could get me some dates working conventions." "Yeah, I know." "You told me." "I did?" "But he says it's almost definite." "He said he'd call on Tuesday." "Lenny?" "Yeah, that's good." "That's good news." "I got some really good news." "My lawyer says I might not have to go to jail." "He says we can appeal." "But..." "How much this time?" "$200?" "I'll send what I can." "I'll pay you back this time." "He said he'd call on..." "Tuesday." "I miss you, Daddy." "How's Kitty?" "Fine." "You change her a lot?" "You know, you got to change her, or else she gets those rashes." "I got to hang up now." "Lenny?" "Yeah, I'm still here." "Do you still love me?" "Sure, but I gotta hang up now." "I can't make these phone bills." "It just never stops." "Because I still love you, and as soon as I'm straight..." "Look, I gotta hang up." "Listen, I'll send what I can." "Okay?" "Okay." "Take care of yourself." "You see, the trouble is that we all live in a happy-ending culture  a what-should-be culture instead of a what-is culture." "We're all taught that fantasy, but if we were taught  this is what is, I think we'd be less screwed up." "Dig what I mean." "I'd like to show you some dirty pictures that relate to your daughter and mine." "These are some pictures of the Kennedy assassination." "Now..." "I say these are dirty pictures  because the captions are bullshit." ""Never for an instant did she think of flight."" "Now, that's bullshit." "That's my conclusion." "Time Magazine's "conclusion" is that this woman was trying  to get out of the car to get help  or trying to help the secret service men aboard." "That's their conclusion, and we buy it." "But I think she did the normal thing, man." "When the president got it, and the governor got it  she tried to get the hell out of there!" "But they want us to believe this bullshit!" "They want my daughter, our daughters  if their husbands get shot someday  and they try to haul ass to save their asses  that they do the normal thing, then they'll feel guilty and shitty  because they're not like that good woman in the fantasy." "And it's a dirty lie to tell the people  that if you're good, you stay, and if you're bad, you run." "Because she didn't stay!" "Fuck it, man!" "She didn't stay!" "People don't stay." "No." "People don't stay." "If a Protestant woman's son's marriage went on the rocks and she moved so she could help him raise the child would you call her a Protestant mother?" " So I take it you moved to California?" " What else?" "I'm a Jewish mother." "And Lenny went to work at Duffy's bar." "Yeah." "Duffy's was a strip joint about a block from here." "Let's hear it for Miss Cindy." "Tits and ass on the carpet, ladies and gentlemen." "Come on, now, you degenerates." "Give her a hand." "Lenny used to do a shtick between strippers." " What kind of stick?" " No, "shtick," darling, "shtick."" "I just had a wild idea, man." "You know how many asses have been on this chair?" "Really, man, there's been a lot of asses on this chair." "We have no way of telling how many." "But lions and tigers know, right?" "That's why, when Frank Buck goes  they go..." "Am I glad that you're here tonight." "All right, I think you've had enough of the humorous side of our show  so let's welcome one of the favorites in this club  Miss Baby Babylon and her traveling rash." "No, man!" "My answer is no!" " Come on, Lenny." " No, I really dig it here 'cause I can say anything I want, man!" "Nobody's listening." "What happens if I could get you $750 a week." "$750?" " Get out of here!" " What would they pay him $750 for?" "To say anything that comes into his head!" " What're those?" " mms." " They dig you." " How do you know?" "They were here last week." "They think you'll become an "in" thing." " Lenny, an "in" thing?" " Let me call them!" " I don't have to do mother-in-law jokes?" " No." " No Max Factors?" " Nothing." " No tuxedos?" " You can go on bare-assed if you want." " No." " Come on, please!" "Lenny, I need the money!" " My final answer is no!" " Artie, he's right." "Now, Lenny's right." "He's better off in this toilet where he can crack up four musicians at $90 a week." " Now, he should stay here." " Yeah, she's right." "Call them." " No, I don't feel like it." " Come on, I need the money!" " No." "You had your chance." " Artie, I want to be a star!" " No." " Please call 'em." " All right, I'll call them." " Thanks." "Here, sweetheart." "I used to work in a post office." "Let's hear it for Miss Baby Babylon and her bobbling boobies!" "Let's give a nice big welcome  to Miss Wanda and her bird." "No!" "That was last week." "You're gonna love this next lovely young lady." "Let's welcome her  because she'll thrill ya down to your thriller." "Ladies and gentlemen, whatever her name is, a big hand." "Let's hear it." "And I bid you all farewell." "I'm leaving this toilet to go on and become a big star." "Yeah." "Therefore, pursuant to the power vested in me by the territory of Hawaii I hereby sentence you to be confined to the Women's Correctional Institution, Terminal Island, California for a period of not less than 24 months." "He stopped doing that crappy imitation stuff and he started to improvise." "All right." " Who else can we talk about?" " Eisenhower!" "Eisenhower." "All right." "You students gotta stop bugging him about the bomb." "He doesn't even know where they keep the bomb." "Actually, it's not a bomb." "It's a button." "A button on the fly of a Cub Scout somewhere." "And one day, the whole world is gonna go up, man  because of one faggot scoutmaster." "I really dig what they do with homosexuals in this country, man." "They put them in prison with a lot of other men." "That's really good punishment." "Are there any niggers here tonight?" "Turn on the house lights, please." "Could the waiters and waitresses  just stop serving, just for a second?" "And turn off the spot." ""Now, what did he say?" ""Are there any niggers here tonight?"" "I know there's one nigger here." "I see him working." "Let's see." "There's two niggers." "And between those two niggers, sits a kike." "And there's another kike." "That's two kikes and three niggers." "And there's a spic, right?" "There's another spic." "There's a wop." "There's a Polack." "A couple of greaseballs." "There's three lace-curtain Irish micks  and there's one hip dick  hunky funky boogie." "Boogie boogie." "I got three kikes here, do I hear five kikes?" "I got five kikes." "Do I hear six spics?" "I got six spics." "Do I hear seven niggers?" "I got seven niggers." "Sold American!" "I'll pass with seven niggers, six spics, five micks, four kikes  three guineas and one wop." "You almost punched me, didn't you?" "I was trying to make a point." "It's the suppression of the word  that gives it the power, the violence, the viciousness." "Dig." "If President Kennedy would just go on television  and say, "I'd like to introduce you..." ""...to all the niggers in my cabinet."" "And if he'd just say, "Nigger, nigger, nigger"  to every nigger he saw." ""Boogie, boogie, boogie." "Nigger, nigger, nigger..."" "... till "nigger" didn't mean anything anymore  then you'd never be able to make some kid cry  because somebody called him a nigger in school." "I am of Semitic background." "I'm Jewish." "Now, a Jew, dictionary-style  is one who is descended from one of the tribes of Judea  or one regarded to have descended from that tribe, but  you and I know what a Jew really is." "One who killed our Lord!" "I don't know if that got press coverage out here on the west coast  because it happened 2,000 years ago." "Although there should be a statute of limitations  we're still paying the dues." "Why do you keep busting our balls for this crime?" ""Why, Jew?" "Because you skirt the issue." ""You blame it on Roman soldiers."" "I'm going to clear the air once and for all and confess." "We did it, my family, I did it." "We found a note in the basement that said:" ""We killed him." "Signed, Morty."" "It's a good thing we nailed him when we did." "Because if we had done it within the last 50 years  we'd have to contend with parochial school kids  running around with little electric chairs hanging on their necks." " $1,000 a week?" " Yeah, that's right." "No, no." "We want, $1,300..." " $1,500 a week minimum." " $15?" " Guaranteed against the percentage." " Percentage?" "What percentage?" " What percentage?" " "Yeah."" " 20%?" " Get outta here." "You kiddin'?" " The guy's a fad, like hula hoops." " I'm a fucking fad?" "30%." "Look, did I say 20%?" "I really meant to say 30%." "30%?" "I never paid an actor 30% in my life." "You know Lenny." "He's crazy." "Crazy?" "What are you guys, trying to screw me?" "30%?" "Just how crazy can he be?" "You pay me what I want, or I don't show up." " Who is that?" " You pay Lenny what he wants." "He don't go to work." "What's going on?" "I'll call you back." "No, man, that's a lot of bullshit, man." "I'm just a comic." "But for a nightclub comic you certainly have a great deal of social impact." "No." "Come on." "True." "And people say you feel an obligation to speak out on subjects that would not normally..." "No, no, no." "That's not it at all." "I'm just trying to make a buck." "That's nice." " You want some yogurt?" " No, thank you." " It's good for you." "It's healthy." " That's good." "You know what it is?" "I really dig being up there." "I want to recite a poem in front of everybody." "You just stand up, and everybody listens to you." "Your mother, your father, they finally listen to you, man." "And they don't chase you out of the room, man." "Yeah, come in." "Hi." "This is Artie Silver, my manager." "This is..." "Sorry, I forgot your name." "John Santi." "Mr. Santi writes for "Time Magazine"." "Very good." "Usually, I don't like doing interviews but I find you very interesting." ""Sick comic Lenny Bruce..." ""...whose jokes about the president..."" "Blah, blah, blah, blah." "You know what's sick?" "Zsa Zsa Gabor will get $60,000 a week  in Las Vegas, Nevada  and schoolteachers' salaries in that state, top salary  is $6,000 a year." "Now, that's really sick." "And that's the kind of sick I wish they would have written about." "Or the fact that married guys have to jack off more than anybody else." "It's true and it's really weird." "All over the country  thousands of guys are lying on bathroom floors  whacking it off to Miss December  because the wife don't want to touch it anymore." "You can't stop masturbating gradually." "You got to do it cold jerky." ""Wonder what" Time "is gonna say" about that?" "All right, how about some more sick Lenny Bruce material?" "Integration." "Actually, I do have some guilt that I don't do enough for integration." "I try to do my bit, but it just doesn't seem to be enough." "They asked me to make the marches." "But I couldn't make that scene because it's always the same old crap  Ray Charles bumping into little Stevie Wonder all day long." "I mean, it's the worst!" "No, you don't have to applaud." "Really." "It's weird." "It's enough that you're just listening." "You know, it's so strange, I used to get fired for doing this." "And like, now I'm getting a following, right?" "Come on!" "It's embarrassing!" "Stop it!" "Come on!" "I'm walking off if you don't stop right now." "I don't want any more applause." "No more love." "Why aren't you two standing?" "You know, I've been thinking." "I mean, I am totally corrupt." "I mean, really." "My whole act, my whole economic success  whatever that is  is based solely on the existence of segregation  violence, despair, disease, and injustice." "And if, by some miracle, the whole world were suddenly tranquil  pure  I'd be standing on an unemployment line somewhere." "So you see, I'm not a moralist." "If I were, I'd be donating my salary to those schoolteachers." "Right?" "I'm a hustler." "As long as they give, I'll grab." "While all of that was happening to him, you were in prison." "Yeah." "Did he visit you?" "Whenever he could." "And we wrote each other lots." "What kind of letters?" "Here." "I kept some of them." "Shit." "They're here somewhere." "Anyway, they were about  how sorry we both were." "I don't know." "I guess I just never thought of us as being divorced." "I got some terrific pictures of Kitty." "Are you ready?" "You'll be surprised." "Come on." "She's getting so big." "Kitty on pony." "That's cute." "Kitty with stuffed lion and friends." "Who's the chick?" "A friend of Artie's." "You believe that?" "No." "But thanks for trying." "Listen!" "I got cited for meritorious behavior." "And that means if I'm good, I get 67 days knocked off my time." "Can I see the album again?" "Yeah." "Must be wonderful to be like a star." "Something's been bothering me, and I want to talk to you about it." "Did you read about the  the two schoolteachers who were busted for homosexuality?" "Okay, this is an editorial from this morning's newspaper  and I'm quoting directly from it." "I'll just read the last sentence." ""And let us make certain..." ""...that these sexual deviates..." ""...are never allowed inside a classroom again."" "That's wrong." "First of all, they were busted for doing something  15 miles away from the school." "But what's more important  is that it came out at that trial that they're damn good teachers." "And do you know how long it takes to make a good teacher?" "And I'll tell you something else." "There wasn't one incident reported where a kid came home and said:" ""Today in school we had five minutes of geography..." ""...and 10 minutes of cock sucking."" "Lenny!" "Man, what is that?" "And that's what happened the first time." "Dirty Lenny said a dirty word, "and they" schlepped "him away for it."" "What makes you think you can say a word like that in a public place?" "What word is that?" "I said a lot of words." "You know what word I'm talking about." "It's against the law." " I didn't do it, man." "I just said it." " Yeah?" "If you ever said it in front of my wife or kid, I'd punch you right out." "I really don't want to get emotionally involved in this." "Empty your pockets." "Spread." "At first, I think he really enjoyed it." "You know, he got a lot of publicity." "I don't know whether he enjoyed it or not." "Enjoyed it?" "Hell, no." "He was obsessed with it." "Toward the end, he wouldn't do any bits." "He wouldn't do any jokes." "He wanted to go out there every night and read from the transcripts of his trials." "My first trial was in San Francisco in front of a judge." "No jury." "The judge was really distinguished looking." "He looked like a movie judge." "Like Andy Hardy's father." "So I said, "That's cool." "He'll be fair and kindly."" "Your Honor, if I just might interject, even if there were minors present I don't think that I said anything that would have done them any harm." "Young man, I think you'd better let your attorney try this case." "Now, as far as I'm concerned, I'm ready to find you guilty right now." "However, I will grant a continuance, as you have requested." "Thank you, sir." "Now, it's my understanding that he has a performance on..." "Saturday." " Saturday." " Yes, sir." "I want to caution you right now, young man that if I get a report that you have repeated any of this language any of these words, you'll take the consequences." "Is that clear?" "If I repeat what words?" "It's all right." "If I repeat what words specifically?" "You say anything that is obscene and I'll take that into consideration when I dispose of the case." "Court adjourned!" "Thank you very much." "And now, ladies and gentlemen, Lenny Bruce!" "Bless you." "Bless you." "Bless you." "That's because you're good." "Look at that!" "We seem to have some company here tonight." "Listen, could you throw the spotlight over there against the wine chest?" "I'd like to welcome some friends." "I think they're here." "Yes, there they are." "Good evening, fellas." "Hi, guys." "It's Mount Rushmore." "Can we throw the spot on the other wall there?" "I think I spot two." "I'm not sure." "Yes." "There they are!" "Hi, Mickey." "How's the family?" "Okay." "Have you ever seen so much blue in all your life?" "I seem to be under a little pressure here tonight to cool my act." "I don't know how many of you know  but I was arrested, busted, here on this stage a few nights ago  for saying..." "No." "I'm not gonna say it." "Let's see, it's an 11-letter word." "It starts with a "C" and ends with a "G."" "And it was used in the context of defending a certain homosexual practice." "Actually, though, I don't relate it only to homosexuals..." "I relate it to any contemporary woman I know!" "Yeah  would know or love or marry, and I'm sure you do, too, if you're honest." "Okay, I'd like to ask you all a few questions now." "And you're all under oath, all of you, even standing room only." "How many people in this club here tonight have ever used that word  blah, blah, blah?" "Don't be shy." "You can raise your hands." "That's cool." "Now let's get really honest." "You, sir, have you ever had your blah blahed?" "It's either yes or no, there's no two ways about it." "Okay, how many men in this room have ever had their blah blahed?" "Raise your hands." "Come on, officers." "Now, you're under oath." "All right, keep your hands raised." "How many men in this room  have ever blahed a blah?" "Somebody's not telling the truth." "Okay, ma'am, tell me, have you ever blahed a blah?" "That's so sweet." "The officers couldn't see it  but she went like this, and he went like this." "This time, the whole audience "gets" schlepped "away, right?"" "This is the dirtiest show I've ever done in my life!" "This is really filth." "If there's anyone in this room who has not found this obscene  then I hope you never get your blah blahed again." "That's my entire show for tonight, thank you and good night." "Kindly Andy Hardy's father found me guilty." "One year in jail and $1,000 fine." "Do you know what we did?" ""We made a motion for a trial" de novo." "We wanted a jury trial, figuring that 12 average members of the community  could better determine what was obscene as opposed to one judge." "Here is a guy that never got past the ninth grade." "At the age of 36, he turns around  he decides to become a lawyer." "And I mean, he drove his friends nuts with it  collecting old law books  case numbers, newspaper clippings, you name it." "And tape." "He started taping everything." "He spent $63,000 for tape recordings  tape equipment, engineers." "He even hired a guy to record his own trials." "Officer Ryan, were you sexually stimulated by Mr. Bruce's performance?" "Irrelevant and immaterial, especially asked to this officer." "Overruled." "No, sir." "Officer Ryan, have you ever used the word "cocksucker"?" "Not to my knowledge, that I can remember." "You are quite familiar with the term "cocksucker" are you not?" "I've heard it used, yes." "As a matter of fact, the word "cocksucker" is frequently heard in a police station, is it not?" "That's irrelevant and not germane to the issue." "The objection is overruled." "You may answer, Officer." "Could I hear the question again, please?" ""As a matter of fact, the word 'cocksucker'..." ""...is frequently heard in a police station, is it not?"" "I have heard it used, yes." "Yes, you have heard the word "cocksucker" used in a police station, which is a public place." "I think you're all getting off on that word." "You see, Lenny Bruce's satire is related to the kind of social satire to be found in the works of Aristophanes, Jonathan Swift..." "Your Honor, Aristophanes is not testifying here." "I don't see how he really could." "Reverend Mooney, could you give the jury a brief summary of your background in the field of higher education?" "Yes." "I have been a professor of theology for almost 12 years now." "Could you speak a little louder?" "Yes." "I taught at Boston University for three years Northwestern University for two years then UCLA for three years more, and I am now at Berkeley." "This poor schmuck can't hold a job." "Reverend Mooney, how would you characterize Mr. Bruce's work?" "I think that Lenny has a message to convey." "Now it's my turn." "Would you speak louder, please, Reverend?" "Yes." "He has a message to convey." "And he is honest and sincere about it." "And the message is, I believe to expose and hold up American society so they can really see themselves." "Your honor, I cannot hear the witness." "Reverend?" "I'm sorry." "He uses words as weapons to hit people over the head with to make them recognize that they are being hypocritical in every phase of their lives." "Words are his tools, and he uses them..." "Order." "Order." "Order." "Spectators will be seated." "Order in the court." "Mr. Bruce..." "What was the nature of this chant?" "It was supposed to be talk between a man and a woman who were involved in the act of copulation." ""To" is a preposition." ""Come" is a verb." ""To" is a preposition. "Come" is a verb." "The verb intransitive, "to come."" "I've heard these two words my whole life  and as a kid, when they thought I was sleeping." "It's been like a big drum solo." ""Did you come?" ""Did you come?" "Good." "Did you come good?" ""Did you come good?" ""I come better with you, sweetheart, than anyone in the whole damn world."" ""But don't come in me." ""Don't come in me." ""Don't come in me, in me."" ""I can't come." "Don't ask me."" ""You don't love me." "That's why you can't come."" ""I love you." "I just can't come." "That's my hang-up." ""I can't come, and I'm loaded."" ""'Cause you don't love me."" ""What is the matter with you" What has that got to do with it?" ""I just can't come, that's all."" "Now, if anyone in this room or the world  finds those two words obscene  indecent, immoral  you probably can't come." "Mr. Bruce, you're smiling, and this is not for your entertainment." "Now, I don't know if what I've heard is legally obscene..." "Your Honor, do you believe in God?" " Bailiff!" " A God that made your body?" "If you believe there is a God that made your body  then why do you tell little children to cover up?" "That the body's dirty, the titties are vulgar?" "God, what a bore." "Because if the body is dirty, then the fault lies with the manufacturer..." ""... and you gotta" schlep "God into court" along with me." "The defendant is charged with violating Section 311.6 of the California penal code, which provides:" ""Any person who knowingly speaks any obscene song, ballad..." ""...or other words in a public place is guilty of a misdemeanor."" "Now, "obscene" means, to the average person applying contemporary standards of the community the dominant appeal of the matter being to arouse a prurient interest which is a morbid or shameful interest in nudity or sex, or excretion which goes beyond the limits of such matters and is matter utterly without redeeming social importance." "Now, sex and obscenity are not synonymous." "In order to make sex obscene it is necessary that the portrayal of it must be done in such a way that its dominant tendency is to corrupt the average adult by creating a clear and present danger of antisocial behavior." "In other words, man, some cat will see my show, get horny  run off to a museum, and jerk off a dinosaur." ""We the jury find the defendant, Lenny Bruce..." ""...not guilty of violation of section 311.6..." ""...of the penal code of the state of California, to wit:" ""Speaking or singing obscene words or ballads in a public place."" "You mentioned possibly you could get  six months off that jail sentence." "Did that happen?" "No, I got in some trouble, so I had to serve my full time." "What kind of trouble?" "I just did something crazy." " You don't want to tell me about it?" " No." " Anyway, finally you did get out." " Yeah." "They give you a lot of speeches about rehabilitation  they lay a little bread on you, they try to help you, and then..." " Good luck, dear." " Thank you." "They drop you on the sidewalk." "The verdict had nothing to do with justice." "Remember that lady?" "The one with the little hat and the twitchy mouth?" "Right." "We got in the jury room, and she started bitching." ""He's guilty, guilty."" "All of a sudden, "All right, he's not guilty."" "How come?" "She was a lush." " She had to get out of there to get a drink?" " Right." "I was saved by Gallo wine." "Who cares, man?" "You beat it." "I know, but I wanted to win it on the First Amendment." "I love you." "Was I happy." "I think he was, too." "He was making a lot of bread." "You see, after the San Francisco trial and all that publicity  everybody wanted to see him." "There were the semi-hip playboy-type people  who thought it was in to dig him." "And then there were the people who really loved Lenny." "You really are the truth." "She's a nut." "But she's right." "All of a sudden, he starts coming on like a rabbi." "I used to kid him about it, I'd call him the "meshuggenah" messiah." "But I'm not anti-Christ or anti-religion." "I think it's encouraging that lots of people  are leaving the church and going back to God." "He was putting everybody down." "He put the Pope down." "I mean, he even went after Kennedy." "Because also, a lot of people just came to see if he might get arrested." "Absolutely." "Right on, right on." "You were with him when he was arrested in Los Angeles and Chicago, is that right?" "What's the matter?" "It's like that lady alcoholic in "I'll Cry Tomorrow"." "Lillian Roth?" "No, Susan Hayward." "See, junkies think, like:" ""I'll kick tomorrow."" "And it was the same thing with me." "But tomorrow just..." "Follow the dots down the yellow brick road." "Goddamn it!" "He was just fine until you had to be schlepped into it again." "Okay." "I'll kill myself." "Lenny was deep into drugs himself, though, wasn't he?" "You're really cute, aren't you?" "You want me to say it." "Monogram Pictures presents "Rotten Together" starring Fay Wray and King Kong." " You think it's funny!" " And King Kong's mother." "You two think you're so damned funny!" "Well?" "It's a waste of time." "The mercenary old bitch won't budge." " She has to." " Yeah, you try." "Listen, he's in no condition to go on." "You can't let him go on." "What do you want from me?" "Look at this." "At $5 a head, you know what that would cost me?" "If he gets busted out there, it'll cost your liquor license." "I'll take my chances." "Lenny, you've got to be a good boy and get up." "Get on your feet." "Lenny, you can't get up." "Come on, Lenny, you got to get up." "I know you can do it, man." "They're waiting for you to say something dirty." " I'm no junkie." " You can't disappoint the public." "There you go, Len." "That's it." "I'm proud of you." "There's the city heat." "There's the county heat." "There's the state heat." "And I even think I see two cats from Interpol, man." "And I know I saw four Mounties, man." "Ladies and gentlemen, Lenny Bruce." "Super Jew!" "The ecumenical council has given the Pope permission to become a nun  but only on Fridays." "What?" "What's that?" "King Kong is ready now?" "He's almost ready." "We're going to have King for the second show." "I got to warn you photographers not to take any flashbulbs." "Cool it with the flash bulbs  because otherwise, King gets a little shitty, you know?" "Just give him  a building to play with or a airplane to squeeze  and he'll be all right." "Where the fuck was I?" "You know, it's really wild, man." "Because the judge can get away with that, man." "He sits up there, man, just junked out of his head, man." "And he says, "I'll take that under advisement."" "Where was I, now?" "Let me see, where was I?" "I know what I want to do." "I know what I want to do." "I guess you're all wondering why I'm wearing this raincoat." "Well, the reason that I'm wearing this raincoat is, as you all know  I've been busted the last few times for obscenity." "And the last time I was busted was in Los Angeles  and I didn't have time to get my coat." "So now, since Chicago is a cold city  if they come, I'm ready." "And the heat, the heat is here tonight, man." "The heat is here." "Are there..." "Are there any attorneys here tonight?" "Where?" "You are." "Are you an attorney, man?" "Really?" "Here." "Now you guys got it all, man." "That's it, man." "I know, I know." "I want to show you something." "I know what I want to show you." "You want to see..." "You want to see a picture of a really beautiful  pink-nippled lady?" "She's my wife, man, and I gave her away." "Where are you going?" "Wait a minute." "Where you people going?" "Come on, man." "I haven't even said "cocksucker" yet." "Let them go, man." "Let them go." "I can't work this shit out." "My stomach is killing me." "I know what I want to do." "I know what I want to do." "This is for you guys over there." "I read in the Chicago paper..." "I read in the Chicago paper..." "There's an article here  about these transvestites who are posing as policemen." "In other words, they're police officers dressing up as pretty ladies." "Here's Officer Dolan:" "Stan, as the guys call him down at the baths." ""Officer Stanley Dolan says that the hardest part of police work..." ""...was learning how to walk in high heels," man." "And I think that's a gas, man." "You guys are so naive, man." "I defend you all the time, but you're so naive." "You think the guy is going to grab you, and you're gonna say:" ""Okay, now, stop that." "You can't touch me." ""I'm not a beautiful woman." ""I'm a police officer, and you're under arrest."" "But you guys don't know who you're dealing with, man." "They don't care." "They'll just grab you." "And they'll say, "I don't care if you are a cop." ""You got a cute ass, "and I'm going to" shtup "you anyway."" "It's not nice, man." "It's not nice to incite." "It's not nice to entrap." "It's not nice to exploit those people, man." "They're sick people." "You want to know what I'm talking about?" "I'm talking about Vietnam." "It's like..." "Catholicism:" "It's like one big franchise, man." "It's like Howard Johnson's." "And Kennedy, man..." "He..." "No." "No, man, no." "He can't..." "Man, I can't put together what I'm trying to say." "And the thing that I'm trying to tell you  is it's harassment, man." "It's repression." "It's club owners being called up in the middle of the night  and being told not to hire me  or they're gonna lose their liquor license!" "It's Vietnam!" "It's atrocities here and there!" "I'm sorry." "I'm not funny." "I'm not funny." "Listen to the ovation." " Get that door." " May I help you?" "Get out of the way." " Let's go, lady." " Please, don't hurt him." "You take it easy with him." "This is America, Jim." "You can't come into my shit-house without a warrant." "I love you." "I was arrested 13 times in the next year." "I flipped out mentally." "I kept schlepping him in and out of hospitals." "We were getting a lot of cancellations and bad press." "I wound up in a hospital in the psychiatric division in a padded cell." "And then he got picked up for possession of narcotics." "Now he's got to fight that in the courts, too, right?" "Then his health started to go bad." " Rita?" " Yes, sir?" "Will you change my barber appointment to 3:15 tomorrow?" "He had pleurisy, and one lung had to be peeled three times." "And finally it collapsed." "There were days that would go by when I didn't even know where I'd been." "He was going broke fast  what with the lawyer bills and the doctor bills the dope and the pressure with Honey and everything." "Just, I mean, poor guy, you know?" "He had an incision that went from his chest right through to his back." "Where were we?" "This obscenity circus has been going on for four years, man." "It's like a three-ring circus, starring the District Attorney  the lower court, and the Supreme Court." "And I'm some schmuck  who fell off a high wire in the middle of it, and it's killing me." "Can you turn the sound up, please?" "The people can't hear me." "Thanks." "Okay, now." "Where was I?" "Chicago bust, guilty." "That case is now being appealed  citing the case of the Daylight Book Co." "V. Summerhill US 268." "No..." "US 652..." "Where are you going?" "These are the jokes." "What is it?" "You want a bit?" "No, I don't want to do "tits and ass." I can't do..." "All right, I'll tell you where it's really at with tits." "You see that chick over there?" "She has beautiful tits." "But we couldn't put a picture of them in the newspaper." "Because that's obscene." "That's offensive." "Fine." "I'll tell you what's offensive to me." "The only tits that you do see in the newspapers  have been shot up, maimed..." "Turn the house lights on." "... burned." "It's really weird." "Come on." "What's happening?" "This man's under arrest." "What, again?" "What the fuck is going on here, man?" "Is it getting chic to arrest me?" "He used the words "fuck you"..." " Objection!" " It's so out of context, and you know it." "The objection is overruled, and counsel will control their client." "You may continue." "All right, what else do you recall?" " Did he make a gesture..." " Objection!" "He's leading the witness." "I'm sorry, Your Honor, I'll rephrase the question for Mr. Bruce." "All right, Sergeant, what else do you recall happening?" "You can refer to your notebook." " He made a gesture." " Man, you got it in." " What sort of gesture?" " He used the microphone." "Would you mind demonstrating it for the court, please?" "Come on, I never meant that to mean jack off!" "It's pathetic!" "He's doing my act for the court, and he's bombing!" "How can you make a fair judgment based on this?" "What he is doing is obscene!" "No, man, I want to tell them!" "If anybody should do my act, it should be me." "I could do me better than he does me!" "I've been at it longer than anybody else!" "If I could just talk to him eye to eye, he's not a bad guy." "I know I can make him understand me." "He's a human being." "He's a tough son of a bitch and the next time you open your mouth, he'll cite you for contempt." "But you guys are not representing me the way I asked to be." "We're doing the best we can, Lenny." "Did you ask him about me doing my act for the court, instead of that cop?" " No." " Why?" "He has all the tapes." "You've had impressive witnesses and you're not in a proper emotional state..." "I'm fine, man!" "I just know if I don't do my act for the court, I'm going to lose." "Come on, man, you know it, he knows it, I know it!" "Lenny, will you give us a couple of minutes alone?" "No, if it's about me, I want to hear, man." "I'm not a baby." "Okay, have it your way." "You don't have to whisper." "When the transcript goes to the appellate court, I don't want you in the record." "We're going to have to eat a guilty verdict here." "You guys are wild!" "You eat the verdicts." "I do the time." "I mean, it is really bizarre." "You don't understand." "These lower courts, they're meaningless." "It'll be like Chicago." "We'll appeal to the state Supreme Court, and you'll get relief." "That took almost two years and every nickel I had." "You don't understand, I had to borrow $10 just to get here." "I'm like a nigger in Alabama looking for a toilet." "By the time I get some relief, it'll be too late." "I don't want to go to jail." "And I'll tell you something else." "You either put me on the stand, you let me do my act for that court or I'm going to sue your asses and go in there and represent myself, and that's it." "No more bullshit." "If it please the court I wish to defend myself." "You see, Your Honor, I can no longer relate to my counsel." "Mr. Bruce, my suggestion is that you request a continuance for the purposes of retaining new counsel." "If you do, then I will so grant that request." "I just want a chance to talk to the court." "Just to talk to you, another human being, without all the legal bullshit." "Mr. Bruce, you are making this very difficult for me." "I'm sorry, but attorneys keep telling me:" ""Don't worry, it's just the lower court, they're all assholes." ""We'll win in a higher court." But I don't believe I should lose here." "I don't believe I'm doing anything wrong." "Would you sit down?" "I do have the right to say what I'm saying." "I'm running out of patience." "If you just let me do my act for the court, I'll take my chances." "If after you hear me do it, if you don't think it's funny if you don't think it has any social value, if it strikes you as dirty and obscene..." "I cannot allow this to continue." "Your honor I so want your respect." "I know you're a good person and that this legal system is the best in the world but you can't seem to hear me." "Sit down." "When I'm talking about tits and ass, I'm not there to shock the audience by repeating those words, "tits and ass and ass and tits."" "The point I'm trying to make is that we live in a hypocritical society." "You leave me no alternative but to find you in contempt of this court." "Okay." "Then sentence me." "I have no money left." "Might I be sentenced now?" "I can't afford to be on trial." "The police took away my cabaret card." "I can't work anymore." "Please, sentence me." "No, I will not sentence you today." "I order you, when you appear before me again to appear with suitable counsel." "I am further ordering psychiatric evaluation by the psychiatric clinic." " December 16th." "Bail continued." " You're trying to stop the information!" "Bailiff, will you remove this man from the courtroom?" " Court adjourned!" " You can't stop the information because it keeps the country strong!" "You need a deviate." "Don't shut him up!" "You need that madman to stand up, tell you when you're blowing it!" "And the harder you come down on the deviate, the more you need him." "Please!" "Don't take away my words!" "They're just words!" "I'm not hurting anybody!" "He was found guilty in New York, and sentenced to four months." "Is that right?" "Yes." "He was frightened of being confined in jail, wasn't he?" "Yes." "Among his belongings, when, after he died  they found a letter from the bank, said that he'd lost the house." "Do you suppose those things and that letter had anything to do with his death?" "I don't know what you mean." "I'll see you Saturday." "Get some sleep." "And do something about that weight, too." "Yeah, you're right." "I'm going to go on a diet." "Bye-bye." "Bye, man." "I know where you're trying to take this, and it's just not so." "He'd never do a thing like that." "Anyway..." "Anyway, why was he trying to lose weight?" "I loved him." "I really loved him." "And I'm very happy that his records are starting to sell again." "He was nutty, you know?" "He did a lot of crazy things." "And we were always doing bits to crack each other up." "Doesn't it strike you as rather ironic  that the things that Lenny was arrested for  would be considered fairly harmless today?" "Well, like, I don't really know about that." "I mean he was just so damn funny." "You know I'm negotiating for a film based on his life?" "I got all the rights tied up." "Listen, I'm afraid that's all the time I have." "I have to get out to the Valley, catch a comic." "Thank you very much." "Thank you very much." "It was a pleasure." "Into the shit-house for good this time." "Forget it." "Forget it." "Subs synched by ShooCat Thx to javaopera for providing them"