"(# "That's Not Really Funny" by Eels)" "Tarrant?" "It's you, isn't it?" "All right, you got me." "Come on, a joke's a joke." "Come on, Chris." "I know it's you." "(man) My name is not..." "Chris." "Is that Pat Sharp?" "Sadly, Pat Sharp won't be joining us." "He strangled himself." "On his own hair." "Ah, this is really crazy." "Is this Brass Eye again?" "I knew it." "So, tell me..." "Dr Fox." "What exactly is your doctorate in?" "Well, I'm less of a doctor." "More of a professor of pop." "Jesus Christ!" "You're a doctor." "Physician, heal thyself." "I am not a fucking doctor!" "Well, if you're not a doctor... then you must be... a fox." "(screams)" "Come any nearer, you bastards, and I'll blow your head off." " What do we do?" " Well, the negotiator'll be here in a minute." "They're sending their top man." "Here he is." "OK." "Let's go to work." "Listen." "We've all had a lot to drink..." "Think you understand us, you bastard?" "Gonna understand us with your brains all over that wall?" "(Nokia ringtone)" "Colin?" "It's me." "Lesley." "Can I call you back?" "I'm with someone." ""Someone"?" "Whoever it is, they're obviously more important than me." "Look, it's nobody." "So I'm bloody nobody, am I?" "You're just like all the others." " No, you're a very special person." " I see." "It's nobody and they're very special to you." " What kind of an idiot do you take me for?" " Five minutes." "I'll deal with him." "Aye, this is what this is all about, isn't it?" "Dealing with me." "Well, I'm taking you with us." "What does he mean, "taking you with us"?" "Where's he taking you?" "You know we're going to the Pattersons'" "Although why they invited you after that exhibition last time..." " What "exhibition"?" " You were all over Jane Patterson." "I don't know who was more humiliated, Jane or me." "What about me, eh?" "Nee bastard loves me." "I need to sort this out." "Can you just find something to do?" " (gunshot)" " Colin?" "I can wait all day, you know." "And that main story again." "A man goes berserk on a city-centre estate, killing nine people with a shotgun." "Police say he had recently been made redundant." "Now here's the weather, with Michael." "Well, it sounds like he was under a lot of pressure." "But it's no excuse, because we're all under a lot of pressure, as this lovely area of warm weather moves up from the continent." "So it's shorts all round." "(# "Utterly Simple" by Traffic)" "(# "Singin' in the Rain")" "Morning, dear." "Have any nice dreams, love?" "No, no." "Er, didn't really dream at all." "Gary Nuttall, also known as Frank Sinatra, a 38-year-old man with a history of mental instability, has been found guilty of the meticulously planned murder of Daisy Harris, the teenager who was found dead at her family home in 1999." "Nuttall received six life sentences following a four-month trial costing £320 million." "We now go live to Nick Mondeo in London." "Well, we've witnessed amazing scenes here, Andrea, as the "guilty" verdict was read out." "Chillingly, Nuttall broke down in tears, a very different figure to the cocky, arrogant man who had wept so swaggeringly on the first day of trial." "Jury members gasped as they heard a catalogue of Nuttall's previous crimes." "Playing the mouth organ in a shopping centre, with a menacing hat placed chillingly at his feet." "And chillingly sleeping in the doorway of Dixons, only a mile from a local school." "Nick, we know that Nuttall also went by the name of Frank Sinatra." "Was that the only one of his chilling aliases?" "No." "Chillingly, he had more." "He once pretended to be Dave Clark, out of the Dave Clark Five." "And, chillingly, fooled neighbours into believing that he was Tessa Jowell, the culture and media secretary." "I have with me Wendy Barrett." "Wendy, you lived next door to Gary Nuttall." "What sort of a lifestyle did he lead?" "He had a chilling obsession with celebrities." "He'd spend hours every day just watching telly." "He never washed, and there's cheese in his fridge that's chillingly been there eight months." "Nick, how is Daisy's stepfather, Dr Harris, taking the verdict?" "I think he's just relieved, Andrea, that the nightmare is over." "I mean, I'm just pleased that Nuttall will have many, many years in prison to reflect on the enormity of what I did." "In... in helping the police bring him to justice." "Now let's boogie." "(# "Boogie Oogie Oogie" by A Taste of Honey)" "And in Cambodia, the guerrilla group that have taken three British backpackers hostage say they're going to execute their prisoners at midday today." "Prepare to execute the prisoners." "Look, we weren't spying, we were just on a simple beach holiday." "I can prove it." "Ring my girlfriend, talk to her, she'll tell you." "Lesley, it's Colin." "I'd like you to speak to someone." "It's Mr Drang." "Your husband is American spy." "What?" "Me no use any "tone of voice"." "Well, I cross now, cos you say I cross." "Telling me "calm down" just make me crosser." "No, he no with girl." "No, we no the same." "Don't you hang up on me." "(Nokia ringtone)" "No, he's not my friend, I just want you to talk to him." "I'm not sure he really wants to apologise." " (gunshot)" " Colin?" "I can wait all day, you know." "Ah, in my country, I am the leading heart surgeon." "No, you're not." "I am." "I've seen the light on in your shed, Jean." "Is your Frank up to one of his hobbies?" "Oh, yes." "I can't keep him out of there." "He's dead keen on altering matter at a molecular level." "You know, so he can transport it across vast distances of time and space." " Ooh, really?" " Well, I say vast distances." "He's got pods either end of the shed and he sends himself from one to t'other." "Another rich tea?" "Ah, that's good, love." "You've obviously sorted out that problem with the phase converters." "Ooh, get him." "Oh, hello, is that the Bath  Gloucester building society?" "You are through to Bath  Gloucester." "I'd like to speak to my personal banker Nigel, please." " This is Nigel speaking." " It's Claire Matthews here." "Good morning, Claire." "How are you today?" "It is right perishing this morning, no mistake." "Brrr!" "I'm fine." "Look, I've been asking you for months to transfer some money to my ex-husband." "I think I spoke to a Derek somebody." "Ah, Derek." "What a capital fellow." "Sadly, he is presently on the other side of the room, and therefore uncontactable." "I'd like to speak to whoever's in charge." "You will need to speak to my manager in Norwich." "I will put you through." "Please to hold." "('80s-style cheesy solo)" "Hello, this is Colin in head office in Norwich." "Come on, the Canaries." "I'm looking out of my window and I can see for miles and miles, on account of the flat landscape as far as Great Yarmouth, with its endless golden sands and year-round fun for all the family..." "I want to make a complaint." "I think I'm dealing with a big, impersonal operation." "I want to go somewhere smaller." "I'm gonna try Scottish Prominent." "I'm sorry about this, but I've had it up to here." "Oh, dear." "What a frightful to-do." "(phone rings)" "Dougie here at Scottish Prominent." "What a lovely breakfast of the neepies and the tatties I had this morning." "We are the cyclists." "The intermediate stage between humans and pure energy." "I see you are driving a "car"." "We have dispensed with such primitive modes of transport." "All we require are our bicycles, our shiny helmets, our Lurex shorts, and the Tarmac surface paid for by billions of pounds of your road tax." "But now we must go." "For although the lights are still red, mere rules do not apply to us." "It was terrible." "The car just flipped." "I think it was a Renault." "It just turned upside down, completely smashed." "I can't believe there were three people in there." "And they all died, and I saw the whole thing." "Really?" "I saw Terminator 2 on video last night." "A large number of women are now taking the artificial insemination route to parenthood." "Yes." "I mean, obviously it's not ideal." "My only slight concern is how to actually choose the, you know..." "You know, who actually donates the, um..." "You know." "Yes." "Most of my patients do it by taste." "I'm sorry?" "I've got a broad selection here." "Just dive in, and see if anything takes your fancy." "Mm." "Well, mm, yes, that was very good." "Quite flinty." "I think that might be the one." "Although can I try number three again?" "We are the cyclists." "The most energy-efficient beings on the planet." "Everything we do is aimed at conserving the Earth's resources." "Although the construction of our tungsten graphite bicycles emitted 14,000 metric tons of carbon dioxide." "My one is red." "Leader, there is a traffic jam." "Then we shall cycle on the pavement, for we are above mere traffic regulations." "(yelp)" "Oi!" "My dog!" "Do not worry." "He is biodegradable." "Duncan heard rather an amusing joke the other day, didn't you?" "Yah." "OK, a man goes into a pub, and the barman says, "You've got three wishes."" " No, he's already had the wishes." " Yeah, all right, Duncan." "He's had three wishes before he went into the pub, from a genie he got out of a magic lamp he found." "And he's got a bag." " He's got a bag with a ten-inch pianist in it." " A little man who plays the piano." "A ten-inch pianist is a little man who plays the piano, Duncan." "It's the same thing." "Anyway, there he is, in the pub, with three wishes he's already had." "And his first wish was that he wanted to go to bed and, you know, have sex with Kylie Minogue." " I can't stand her." " And you'll never guess what." "Who should come into his bed that night and have sex with him, but..." " (all) Kylie Minogue." " Wahey!" "OK." "So his second wish was that he wanted to have all the money in the world." " Which he got." " And you'll never guess what." "What should be waiting for him when he gets home... but all the money in the world?" "Right, so you can imagine, by now, everyone in the pub - totally spellbound." " Third wish." " Yes, I'm getting to that, Duncan." "So, right, the barman asks, "What was your third wish?"" "OK, and the man said, "I wanted a ten-inch pianist."" "God, no, sorry, penis, penis." "God, no, that's it." "A ten-inch penis." " The genie misheard, you see." " (woman) That's what it was." " And gave him a ten-inch pianist." " (woman) Pianist." "I get it now." "I wasn't sure at first, but..." " (man) That was a good one." " That's funny." " Oh, you do tell a good joke." " I must remember that one." "That's hilarious." " Can you remember them?" "I never can." " Oh, I always remember jokes." "(man) Twelve-inch pianist." "(# "Lovely Head" by Goldfrapp)" "Monkey Dust, Monkey Dust, Monkey Dust is coming." "Monkey Dust, Monkey Dust, Monkey Dust is coming." "(music blares from window)" "(# "Lovely Head" continues)" "It's 11 o'clock, Clive." "You said you were coming straight home." "Where have you been?" "Oh, seriously, you wouldn't believe the hassle I had." "Bloody IT." "Quarter to six, Dave's computer goes off, so of course muggins has to sort it out." "What else can I do?" "Basically, the computer had been behaving very strangely, almost like it had a mind of its own." "So Dave goes outside to get the manual from the car, and he can't get back in." "The door was jammed." "I mean, I've got to do something." "Cos I'm looking out of the window and Dave's getting further away." "So I think, "Right." "I've got to completely reboot this." "Long job."" "When all of a sudden, the thing starts singing at me." "# Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer, do" "Next, it's like the air in the place is being sucked out, and there's all these colours whizzing past." "And a very old man in a room, and then this baby appears, and I'm not really sure what's going on." "And that, darling, is what really happened." "That's the plot of 2001:" "A Space Odyssey by Stanley Kubrick." "What have you really been doing, Clive?" "I smeared dog food on my balls, chained myself to a lamppost, and let nature take its course." "We are the cyclists, and we are many." "Our prime directive is to protect the environment." "Everything we purchase is ecofriendly." "Apart from our Lycra clothes, which are made in a sweatshop in the Philippines." "But they are necessary to the cycling." "(deep hum)" "Leader, we must return to the hive." " (as voice-over) So, any acting work recently?" " (very cheerful) No!" "I'm thinking of ending it all!" "Me too." "How come I'm never offered any proper acting work?" "Only fucking voice-overs." "Same here!" "I've defaulted on my mortgage, even though the rate is just 5.3%!" "Look." "Here's Bill with the drinks." "Hello, Bill!" "How was your weekend?" "(gravelly movie voice-over) It was an ordinary weekend." "How was your picnic?" "Did you enjoy it?" "It was the best of times." "So, GT for you, Stella for me, whisky for you, Bill." "And there's a spare pint of Courage." "I don't think any of us ordered this." "When the order came, one man had the Courage." "Oh, well." "Cheers, and long life." "Well, that's just fucking typical." "(emotionless) Bill was that most versatile of men: a classically trained actor." "Sob sob, sob sob, sob sob." "I'm sorry, I don't think I can go on." "I'm overcome with emotion." "Guy?" "Guy, it's OK." "Look, just take your time." "We are all upset." "(cheerful) That's right!" "Don't worry!" "He'll always be with us in our memories!" "Boo hoo!" "Boo hoo, boo hoo hoo." "(Nokia ringtone)" "Colin?" "It's me, Lesley." "(Colin screams)" "Ah, in my country, I am Jonathan Ross." "Look, I wanted to go to the town centre." "This is the Triassic era." "(modem dialling)" "(beep)" "(makes modem dialling noises)" "(white noise)" " (beep) - (white noise)" "(white noise continues)" "(buzzing)" " (beep) - (white noise)" "I tell you what, the way this Internet's expanding, we'll have to take someone else on." "(bleeping)" "(modem dialling)" "(beep)" "(electronic noise)" "I tell you, this Palm Pilot's magic." "It's not platform-specific, it supports Pocket PC and EPOC, and, wait for it, it's also a Java-based PDA that will synchronise with the user's PC, and offer end-to-end Triple DES encryption." "I tell you, this little baby's gonna revolutionise human communication." "Ah, you're right." "Too much technology, not enough lovemaking." "Let's go to bed." "(# "All I Think About is You" by Nilsson)" "(Nokia ringtone)" "Shall we turn the light out, dear?" "Yeah, why not, love?" "Night-night." "(# "Alive" by P.O.D.)" "Did you have any nice dreams, dear?" "No, nothing special." "Just the dykes again." "Oh, that's nice." "(# "Lovely Head" by Goldfrapp)" "(rumbling / music abruptly stops)" "Cooperate with our research into Earth culture and you will be released unharmed." " Will I get back in time for dinner?" " No." "You will return home approximately four hours late, shortly after pub closing time." "Our research indicates this may be a drink, but we also believe it may be a perfume." "We believe this to be a kind of male collar decoration." " What the hell am I gonna tell my wife?" " Just tell her the truth." "Be honest and you can't go wrong." "(plays melody from "Close Encounters of the Third Kind")" "The thing is, I don't really have a great track record." "But think about it for a second." "It's not actually that far-fetched." "We know governments have been secretly creating sophisticated computers with brains far more advanced than ours." "It's common sense to realise they've been plotting to take over from humans for some time, and the most obvious way to take over would be to create some sort of virtual reality matrix so we don't even realise it's happening." "That's all very well, Quentin, but when are you going to leave home?" "(# " Vienna" by Ultravox)" "(Ivan) Turn it off!" "Turn it off!" "It's too futuristic!" "And I've been doing this for five minutes now, and I still cannot work it out." "He doesn't seem very happy." "Preparing a prisoner for release is an emotionally complex business." "We're trying to take it year by year, but he seems incapable of getting past January 1980." "Perhaps it was a mistake to let him have his Space Hopper back." "It seems to have conditioned his mindset firmly in the 1970s." "I think we should take it off him." "You want a machine gun mounted in the corner to gun down the little..." "Take it away!" "I don't understand!" "Now, now, Ivan." "We're just trying to help you adjust, for when you go home." " I am home." " Now, come on, Ivan." "We have to let you go because you are not the Meatsafe Murderer after all." " Yes, I am." " Paul Foot has proved you didn't do it." " What did I ever do to him?" " Now, you run along back to your cell, and I'll get rid of the digital watch and the nasty Filofax." "What's it for?" "It's too cumbersome." "I want a diary and a separate address book." " Ah!" "Mr Hoppy!" " Now, now, Ivan, lad." "It's for your own good." "Let's not have any trouble." "We brought you a skateboard." "I don't want Mr Skatey, I want Mr Hoppy." "I'm afraid this is going in the bin, son." "No-o-o!" "Thank God you're here." "This is way out of control." " How many rioters are we looking at?" " Just the one." "Ivan Dobsky." " The Meatsafe Murderer?" " He never done it." "He only said he did it so they'd sew his knackers back on." " (soldier) How did it start?" " Mr Jennings destroyed his Space Hopper." "You sure?" "He seems to be on his Space Hopper right now." "Give me that." "It's Jennings." "He's hopping around on Jennings." "No, wait a minute." "Jennings doesn't have a ginger beard." "Or black ears." "Oh, my God."