"Miss Shirley Clarke." "Portrait of Jason." "Roll 1, sound 1." "Okay, roll it." "Sound rolling." "Camera rolling." "Okay, Jason, go." "My name is Jason Holliday." "My name is Jason Holliday." "My name is Aaron Payne." " What do you mean, Aaron Payne?" " Aaron Payne." "That was my given name." "And in San Francisco I got hung up with a group of people that were under the influence of Sabu." "He was changing people's names to suit their personalities, and I changed my name." "Jason Holiday was created in San Francisco." "And San Francisco is a place to be created." "Believe me." "Do you like the name Aaron Payne?" "As Aaron Payne, I..." "I was pretty...far out." "Not any further than I am now, but..." "I was..." "Oh, well, it had unpleasant memories that lead to the state of depression" "And I just thought, being with those people in San Francisco whose personalities were suiting their names that if I found myself another name and gave myself another chance," "I'd be happier." "And I dug being called Jason." "Like all my hip friends and the people that I knew," "I told them my name is Jason now." "And they call me that." "But a few evil people, you know, every now and then they'll call you Aaron." "And I remember once in San Francisco, I told Miles Davis," "I said my name is Jason." "And Miles said, "Shit, that ain't none of your name."" "But he was hip enough to call me Jason." "He hasn't called me Aaron since." "And as Jason, I really have discovered a new personality." "I'm a lazy cat." "I've always wanted to really jump into it, but..." "I kept avoiding it somehow." "Like I made an excuse for accepting other people's problems and putting down my own." "And I always became this one or that one's flunky or anything to do to keep from facing what I really wanted to do." "And now I kind of, like, want to do it." "And Jason sort of is giving me the strength to do it." "Like, I came back to New York after being away for three, four, five years, and some old friends that you don't even see anymore, and the new ones, or the ones that you keep," "I told them my name was Jason." "And I was able to establish that." "I got the social security card Jason Holliday." "I have a cabaret license." "Uh..." "Believe me, there's something to the name." "You know, if the name rings a bell to you, and makes you feel well, then take the name." "What do you do for a living, Jason?" "I hustle." "I am a stone whore." "And I'm not ashamed of it." "Like, I have a friend in this town who's a school teacher, who doesn't teach in the public school system." "But she goes from house to house teaching kids that can't go to school." "And one day on the street, she said something to me very hip." "She said, Jason everyone in New York has a gimmick." "And mine is teaching school." "So I found out that mine was hustling." "Now I have more than one hustle." "I'll come on as a maid or a butler or a flunky." "Anything to keep from punching the clock from 9 to 5." "Because every time I punch that clock from 9 to 5, it's been a job that's been such a drag, it makes you sick." "And what I really want to do, is what I'm doing now, is perform." "And you just, you get hung up." "I'm scared of responsibility." "I'm scared of myself because" "I'm a pretty frightening cat, you know." "People that know me will tell you that." "But, like, I don't mean any harm." "But the harm is done, you know." "Like a friend of mine says, "If there's a way of fouling it up, you'll find the way."" "And yet I'm trying all the time to get in there and pitch." "[dog barks] Out!" "Alright." "And so now I think that I'm just, going to just force myself on." "Keep sound rolling." "I'm making the scene now at Bellevue with two head-shrinkers, psychiatrists." "And these are cats that get into your business, you know." "And then you gotta to be hip enough for just how much of your business you want to let them get into." "So you go and get yourself together and you go there and you turn 'em on." "This other cat, one doctor, this past couple of weeks, he just keeps harping on sex." "Well, sex is the thing I'm trying to forget!" "Because I've spent so much of my life being sexy... as you can see, that I haven't gotten anything else done." "You dig, I've been balling from Maine to Mexico." "I haven't got a dollar to show for it." "But I had a swell time, you understand?" "But then it comes to a point in your life where you gotta say:" "Alright." "Okay, you know." "Sex has got to go." "Cool it." "A very prominent jazz musician girlfriend of mine told me, she went three years, you know, without touching anybody." "You gotta get interested in bread." "Bread is money, and if you keep bailing your life away, there's no money involved." "The next thing you know you're skinny and narrow and ain't nothing happening." "And then, like a friend of mine said, I spent 8 years being a lover, and now I want to learn how to play my bass." "You understand?" "Huh?" "That's been the story of my life." "So now, I am, you know..." "like, pleasing myself." "You know, I think about where I've been and how groovy it's been, and, like, no more too much carrying on." "Maybe like on special occasions like Valentine's Day and Christmas and your birthday, you know?" "And a full moon Saturday night, you know." "But other than that, you can't let it be a hang-up." "Hang-UP!" "That's the story of peoples' lives." "That's the reason you don't get anything done." "You're hung-up, you know, and everybody wants what isn't good for him." "Or, what?" "The grass is always greener, you know." "And me?" "I guess I'm a male bitch." "You know, because I go out of my way to unglue people, you know." "The ones that I think that have tendencies that might make it or fake it." "Oh, I come on to them strong." "Okay, cut." " I cut already." " You let it go off track'?" " I let it go off track." " Yeah." " Rolling." " Rolling." "Would you give me a drink please?" "Would you give me a drink please?" "Thank you." "Wow." "You know, sometimes when you get uptight you have to have a way to really function, you know." "When you don't wanna go and punch a clock from 9 to 5, you have to some kind of gimmick, something that you do." "And I got hung up being a houseboy." "And I have enjoyed it quite a bit." "I've worked for a lot of fabulous people, which they think it's a joke." "I didn't know one thing from the other from being a houseboy." "I got a book from the library and I found out, you know, how much wrong can you do, you know?" "And I can cook a little bit." "And I can do a little bit of this and a little bit of that." "And once you get involved with people, that you know" "That after they get to dig you, you know, you can cover up for a lot of things that you don't do." "They'll tolerate for the satisfaction." "That's a little extra you give 'em." "And I was working in San Francisco for a very rich woman up on Nob Hill who was a riot." "This woman was the camp." "And she had an alcoholic husband." "She had one husband she had buried." "And this other one, he was on his way to the loony bin, from too much booze, from trying to get away from her." "And they'd shipped him off to some nut house, out in Berkeley." "And I used to go over there every weekend and take his laundry." "And he'd give me 20 dollars or so and he'd always say to me:" ""How is that woman?"" "And I'd say, 'Well, you know, she's trying."" "And he'd say, "Yes, she always gets everything so confused!"" "And I found out, amongst the rich, when you say they're confused, that's a terrible insult." "That's a nice way of saying that they're crazy and I'd get back and she'd say to me:" ""Did he give you any money?"" "And I'd say, "Yes." "He did."" "And she'd say, 'Well, what was he saying?"" "I said, well, he asked me how you were and how things were going and he seems to think that you've got things confused." "She says, "Confused?" "I'll confuse him!"" ""Confuse him!"" "And then the pills would start going, you know." "And I had the same going with her:" "I used to tip-toe around backwards and help her with this and that." "But when I gave her a pill, every day at lunch-time at 1 o'clock, it knocked her out." "She'd sleep 'til four." "And they had a Hungarian shepherd, a Puli." "Dog and I would go down to, I call it "Neurotic Park,"" "but in San Francisco, they call it Aquatic Park." "There's nothing down there but a bunch of neurotics like the Italians all on one end, the faggots all on another end, the muscle men all on the other end and the dope fiends all in the middle." "That's where I was..." "Yes!" "In the middle." "Heck, yeah!" "And I went on from there, you know." "And I've had different houseboy jobs where... you have to..." "They think that..." "Well, they want to have a lot of fun with you, you know." "Like, one woman, an old rich woman, said to a friend one day, she said," ""I would like to get rid of all the servants I have, and get a nice one like Jason."" "She said, "How lucky you are, Bernice, to have such a handsome young man to wait on you." You know." "And I'm a-bowing and scraping, but she hipped me to something I didn't know that maids and houseboys and people do." "She said, "You know," she'd say, "I gotta tell you about you people,"" "and she meant colored, I'm sure." "And she'd say, you know what them maids do?" "She'd say, "I'll never have another maid."" "She said, "You buy five cans of lobster, you see three."" "So I didn't know, you know'?" "So that's why I always carry around a little bag." "You know? "So when you go home,"" "she said, "every time you look up they got something in their stash."" "You know, so she said, "You get six cans of soup, four would turn up in the cupboard." "They got one going out of the door with 'em."" "She said, "They think you don't know these things," you know." "Oh, she was a riot." "I'll never tell." "Hey, Jason." "Tell that cop story." "Okay." "Life's full of consequences..." "Do the "I'll never tell" bit." "You know," "I never told you about the time I... spent a little vacation on Rikers Island." "And while I was there, I met a lot of fabulous people." "The one particular friend of mine in the blocks." "She was a drag queen, and she called herself "Kitty Cunt."" "And the guards used to say," "'Who are you?"" "She'd say, "I'm Miss Cunt." "I'm the Cunt woman."" "And there was other fabulous characters there, like Louise Beavers and Kay Francis and..." "I never got into that name bag." "They used to ask you, you know:" "'What's your stage name, girl?"" ""Girl."" "So one day, we're on 14th Street where Miss Cunt used to work." "And she and Miss Beavers and a couple of children are standing on the corner, and I'm usually so grand, you know, like, when I see these people I love 'em." "You know, you can keep them in closed corners from 14th Street and 3rd Avenue." "But what could I do?" "So I bumped into 'em..." "And so, Miss Cunt has got a few things that she snatched out Klein's and Miss Beavers is trying to help her get rid of 'em." "And they're finger popping and carrying on in the street, and I don't believe my eyes." "You know'?" "It's nowhere near Christmas, you know?" "So, there's this popping and..." "and so... the cops says to one of them, to Beavers, he says, 'Why do you girls always do this?"" "And she says, "I'll never tell."" "There's plenty to do with it." "Right." "Yes, I think as a houseboy," "I really suffered." "But, this all hasn't been a waste, because these people are fascinating, you know'?" "I mean, they think you're just a dumb, stupid little colored boy and you're trying to get a few dollars and they're gonna use you as a joke." "And it gets to be a joke sometimes as to who's using who, you know." "So I figured, as long as they pay enough, you know, whatever they say do, I'll do, but some of 'em are pretty ridiculous." "Like I worked for one once, a tall, lanky, sad-looking blonde from Alabama." "And all she claimed that her father had been head of" "City Stores or something like that." "And she had a southern accent, and she was being kept by a very nice cat who owned a big business downtown." "And she'd enter the room..." "This woman was so crazy!" "She had a dress with lampshades, made like the dress...in draperies, and it was plaid taffeta." "And it was a one-room apartment on East 64th Street." "And she was always dashing, madly, you know." "And I'd be in the house doing nothing, you know, like sitting on my behind, reading a magazine, or eating up all the lobster, or eating up all the snails." "And the minute I'd hear her coming I'd get busy!" "And she'd enter and say, "Jason, has Edgar been here?"" ""Fix me some of my chicken!"" "They always want chicken." "You know, 'cause they know all colored folks know how to fix chicken." "I'll be in the kitchen, frying my ass off, you know." ""Yes, Missus Howard, I'd go." "She hadn't been married in 20 years and we're still calling her Missus, you know." "And this man, you think "Boom, boom, boom."" "So then, one day, she said to me:" ""Jason", she said, "we're gonna have a little party,"" "and I was in the kitchen, doing all the work, and I said, "Oh, no."" "I said, "Mrs. Howard, I don't want to come out and talk with the guests."" "You always say that, you know... but, you know, you probably got all the guests' phone numbers." "You tell them that you don't want to really mix, 'cause, you know, you're there to work." ""Oh," they say, "come on out."" "She said, 'Well, it's Halloween!"" "She said, "You won't hurt anything."" "She said, "You'd be just another spook!"" "You know, I looked at this bitch and I smiled and I said, "Yes, I'll be right out."" "and then I came out, and, then I had my drink, you know." "Then you take your humble position back again." "And then one of them said to me once, you know, she said, "Jason, I never really much liked niggers, you know'?" "And you're the first one I ever really cared for."" "And I said, "Oh, that's very sweet of you!"" "I'd say, 'Well, then I should have this position a long time!" You know." "And I'd go back in the kitchen and I'd say, "I wish she'd drop dead."" "And the next minute, taha! "Jason?"" "You put on your white coat, and away you go, you know'?" "And boy they're very nice to you at Christmas time..." "They just take everything they give you and everything they give you, just take it." "And, they, ...they have a thing going..." "Yeah, there's a lot of material there." "And I'll give you some more of it a little later." "Phew!" "I've got to tell!" "Okay." "Bring him in." "Coming in." "Okay, Jason." "Yeah, there's lots of material." "There's lots of material." "Uh..." "I was fortunate enough once to work for a very nice..." "Negro lady... who's a jazz singer." "And she's kind of beautiful." "And she and I had been friends for a long, long time... and on the road some place, a maid quit and there I was, jumping into that maid bag again." "She bailed me out of town, shipped me to New York, and then she arrived later." "Well, we went through some very funny scenes." "I was a nervous wreck." "I don't know what from, but I was just nervous being back in New York." "Every time I heard her coming, I used to run in the bathroom." "She'd go this way, I'd go the other way." "So...one day," "I took my pills early in the morning." "You know, my..." "Sparkle Plenty pills, as some old white lady I used to work for called them." "She'd say, Jason, "You want a Sparkle Plenty?"" "So I used to keep me a little stash of Sparkle Plenties." "So I used to take my pill, and I took it early this morning." "And Carmen..." "I got out in the house and I forgot myself." "I cleaned the whole house!" "You know how some of them pills can make you work!" "I scrubbed and I washed and I did everything!" "So Carmen came in and she dug the house." "You know, everything was..." "She said, "Oh!" "You didn't have to pee all day today."" ""Damn!" she said, "You got something done!"" "So... another day, I was dusting, and I'm a very nervous duster." "Don't ever give me anything of value that you cherish to dust... 'cause I will break it." "Some things I broke on purpose." "Some things were accidents." "So I'm dusting the china closet out in the hall one day, and this gorgeous vase on there." "And I'm dusting this way and looking out the window..." "All of a sudden..." "BOOM!" "Carmen said, 'Wouldn't you know it?" "Now that thing's been up there three years!" "And you have to come along in two weeks and it's on the floor!"" "She said "You know, Jason,"" "she says, "I don't think you can see too well..."" "I had bifocals..." "everybody kids me." "She says, "...with your sunglasses."" "I used to work in sunglasses." "That was so they couldn't see what I was thinking, you know." "She said, "You take them damn Coca Cola bottles off and you get you some clear glasses, and you clean this house or I'm gonna throw you out of the window!"" "And then I got hysterical and laughed." "Well, don't ever laugh at anybody when they're mad, especially when you're working for them." "But I lost my head, you know." "And when I got hysterical, she wanted to boot me out the door." "I packed up my things." "I said, "Look, I've had enough!" "I'm gettin' out of here, I can't stand no more." "I've got..."" "And I tryin' to stop up my tears, 'cause I'm a great crier." "I'm just weeping." "As I got to the door and Carmen says," ""Oh, Jason," she says, "come on back in the house and don't cry."" "And she has an album that she made and I think she's really thinking about me when she sings that song." "She sings: "Come on back in the house and don't cry."" "That was nice." "Very good." "Thank you." "Good." "Okay, Jason, we're rolling now." "Maybe being a houseboy isn't a drag too much." "But, doing all these things, in the back of my mind," "I've been telling people so long that I'm going on the stage 'til it's gotten to be such a joke, some people say 'What stage?"" "You know." "You know, a stage of confusion." "A piano player friend of mine says:" "'Where you're going?" "They're crazier."" "But, I've been told, and I do believe it, that I have a lot of talent." "But...it's nice in the kitchen, and it's nice in the bedroom, and it's nice in the living room, you know." "And it's nice, at the end of the day, to walk away with a few coins that you have had fun earning." "As I say, my motto is, you know:" ""Find out what you need to get through a day, make some provisions for getting it, and don't bug anybody," you know." "And you can go along a long way that way." "But, I am working on a nightclub act." "Seriously." "I'm working with a very fine piano player, a very talented guy." "And I've, after all these years of living, you know, like, a piano player friend of mine told me years ago, he says," "'When you sing a song or you do a bit, it has to be about something." "You have to do it from experience."" "He said, "If you haven't had any experiences, to get out and get some."" "Well..." "If I'd a been a ranch, they'd have named me the Bar None." "Because I've been getting experience... coming and going." "Now, I broke it down to the nightclub bit, where..." "There's three things, like..." "I've heard all the years, you're supposed to be saying something." "What's this one saying?" "What's that one saying?" "Well, some of the female chicks I know, all they're saying is:" ""Look what you could get if you're lucky."" "Some cats are saying," ""Look how strong I am."" "Some of them are saying, "Look how cute I am."" "Well, a friend of mine told me, "The fact that you're up there on stage, you don't have to get cute because that makes you cute already."" "And he also says, "Give me some money and then you can watch me act funny."" "So the three things I want to tell is, like," "I want to start off like a real swinging hip cat that's been around, and I'm just gonna let my Modesty Blaise." "You know: turban, tux, umbrella... the whole bit..." "Dance, sing, go crazy." "And then, from that..." "I'm gonna go, for a few minutes, into a bitchy bag." "You know, like the maid that I've been that sees herself on the stage or the houseboy or, what have you." "You know, like," "And then, I thought I'd end up as a clown." "You know." "And all clowns are happy and sad." "So I figured, if you can sell sex, comedy, and a little tragedy, people love to see you suffer." "Honey, oh, believe me, I have suffered." "Oh." "I've suffered expensively." "I mean extensively." "And... in my suffering like, well, you know." "It's always a torch song, I guess." "And in my nightclub act, after I get through being this hip little wild fly-out chic" "I become this...uh..." "Well...just this girl who wants to be herself." "You know." "And it's always something like" "Oh!" "Funny Girl is great!" "Good for an example: where... he has taken all her money, you know, the Fanny Brice story." "And she's in the dressing room getting herself together, and he's saying, "I've already blown 65 grand of your bread." "I can't take any more, Fanny." "Please, let's pan."" "And she says, "I don't care about the money, John." "Stay with me!"" "And he says, "No." "Fanny, this is it." "I must go."" "And then the curtain goes up." "And he says, "And now, the Ziegfeld Follies presents" "Funny Girl!"" "And out she comes, worrying about this man," "I know, he's around" "When the sky and the ground" "Start in ringing." "I'll know that he's near" "From the thunder I hear," "In advance." "His words," "His words alone," "Are the words that will start my heart singing." "And his is the only music," "That makes me dance." "He'll sleep" "And he'll rise" "In the light of two eyes that adore him" "Okay." " How're we doing?" " Great." " Roll 2, mag 3. 70 feet left." " Okay." "Bring him in." "You know, it's a funny feeling... having a picture made... about you." "I mean..." "I think, I..." "I really dig it, you know." "I feel sort of grand, sitting here, you know... and I'm carrying on." "People are gonna be digging you." "You know, I'm gonna be criticized." "I'll be loved or hated or what have you." "What difference does it make?" "I am doing what I want to do." "And it's a nice feeling that somebody's taking a picture of it." "This is a picture I can save forever." "No matter how many more times I may goof or... be ridiculous," "I will have one beautiful something that's my own, you know?" "And I really, for once in my life, was together and this is the result of it." "And, it is a nice feeling." " Out." " Uh-huh." " I've got three mags to load." " Okay." "Reload." "Um..." "You know, being a houseboy, these people are hard to take, you know." "And I would always get myself stoned out of my mind." "I had a little something to take for this, and something to take for that." "And I'd roll me a joint as big as this cigar." "And I would get up and get a bath and get dressed and smoke." "So, by the time I hit these people," "I would be ready for them." "You know, money has always been a big hang-up with me." "I have never really had any, but" "I've always managed to..." "I get enough to survive." "I guess I'm kind of ashamed of myself, of the people that..." "This nightclub act will bother me until the day I die." "But I don't think it will that long, because I'm going to do it." "As I said, I've talked about it so long and it was always the money." "Several friends said to me, like," ""If you want to do anything badly enough, you don't need any money."" "But I always needed everything that went with it." "And somehow it didn't seem like I thought I should work for it." "And I'd go to friends..." "People... and get into my bag of sob, song and sorrow." "And I'm telling you, when I get pathetic," "I'm one of the most pathetic things in the world." "I mean, you can believe that." "And people would, I guess, feel sorry for me." "But at the time I was doing this thing," "I really intended to do, you know, what I set out to do." "But, I mean... when you don't get around to it for 10 years...you know." "And you have to decide, you know:" "Who are you bullshitting?" "You know." "And then, the people, it gets to a point where you go through so many people... that you have to keep moving." "I mean, you really get tired." "And I find it's just as hard of work to keep pulling that as to stop and sit down and say to myself," ""You know, it ain't really that hard!" "Do you want to do it?"" "So just had a little scene going with a doctor." "Well, I don't know how in the hell I talked him in..." "He co-signed for me... for a bank loan for money for this same fucking nightclub act." "And... he really believes in me and I believe in him." "And this time..." "I have gotten further than I've ever gotten before because... although I didn't ball up all the money, half of the money..." "I actually paid for the music." "You know." "It's the first thing I've ever done in advance in my life." "And it's with a very groovy piano player and I see him and we get a little work done." "So I figure, one day, this money thing coming from friends, and I'm telling you, I'm gonna have to make a lot of money because," "I won't be able to face a lot of people." "You know." "And I'm sure... when I got it, I hope they appear 'cause I sure would like to lay some on them." "And they don't want the money." "Some people just want to see you make it." "You know." "And you just keep ranking yourself, you know, with good people who really dig you and you see 'em five years from now and they say, "Oh, you?" "Yeah." "Why..." "I remember." "What about that nightclub act?"" "A nightclub act... is something that my folks don't understand." "I think my father has financed it so many times that all he says to me is, like, you know..." ""You'd better get out of my face."" "And I have the nerve to keep trying." "You know." "I figure..." "I used to figure, really" "I'm trying to cool it now." "I used to figure, if they went for it once, if you wait long enough, you know'?" "And go back again." "They get some kind of thing... they sense that you had the nerve to come back again." "You know, they they go, 'Well, he can't be all bad."" "So, boom!" "They take another chance." "Again - no nightclub act." "And then, I guess that thing of conscience starts to bother you." "A couple of head-shrinkers been bothering me too, lately." "But I think, now I'm bothering them!" "I didn't show up the other day and I've gotten six calls." "No!" "Okay." " That isn't..." " Turns..." " Jason, Sit on the floor against the chair there." " into privilege." "I wanted you to smile." "You're so pretty." "I really dug..." "I dig it, I really do." "You know, like it's..." "It's a thrill." "Yeah." "Okay, Jason." "You can start." "As I say, getting ready for the nightclubs, you gotta be..." "A girlfriend of mine, a singer, said, "Get everything going for you."" "I've been going to the medical doctor, goin' to the head-shrinker." "I've been in so many clinics, it ain't even funny." "And these head-shrinkers, they're very interesting guys." "You never know what they're gonna talk about." "Sometimes they let you talk." "I know it's not hip for them to tell you what you say." "But I think it's alright if I tell you a couple of things they said." "They keep wanting to know, like, who you sleep with and..." "Someone asked me, 'What do you do?" and..." ""Do you do them?"" "and, "How large is it?" and..." "And I said, and then, going on to the next subject, "And do they say you're good?"" "'Who says you're good?"" ""Do they all say it?"" ""Do you think you've got a nice body?"" "I say, "Yes."" "He says, uh...'Well, how big is it?"" "I say, 'Well, I never..." You know." "'Well, say, they say, 9 inches?" "8?" "I don't know."" "He says, 'Well, do you think that's a large one?"" "And I said, 'Well, I don't know, you know, it's good enough."" "So he says," ""Do you please them?"" "And I said, "If I don't please them... it's because I'm not trying."" "I don't know what he said." "You know." "Then the other one interrupted, and he says, 'Well, how often do you do it?"" "I said, "Every day."" "'Well, I used to," I said, "That was the old me."" "You know, I said, "Like some people like museums and they spend all day looking at the pictures." "I spend all day looking at people." "It's the same form of art really." "It's just a little more strenuous."" "But, I mean, and these cats..." "You know, one little young fat chubby one and the other one looks like, uh..." ""You untouchables."" "I told him the other day, I said, I think you're a cop, you know." "I" ""I've been busted, you know, by you cats."" "Okay, Jase." "Did we take him out of focus?" "Oh, you did?" "Now, umm..." "Does this lead me?" "Do you want me to come in focus?" "The shadow knows." " The shadow do." " The shadow do." "Well..." "I'm through with this little fella." "It served its purpose." "I know." "Those doctors, really, though..." "I feel I'm doing the right thing by copping out to them." "But you never can tell, I figure, I get suspicious, you know." "They got two men of 'em in a room, one of whom could be a cop." "And then, this screwy doctor of mine tells me some story about "Don't tell them the truth."" "He says, "You're a colored boy." "You're in there with two enemies telling them all about your life."" "He says, "Don't tell them everything." "You can be sued."" "So I told them that." "And they said, "ls that what you've been doing?"" "And I said "No." "Like I've been telling you the truth." I said, "But once... one of you cats, you know, that look like you, one of them little" "Ivy League looking blue-eyed boys with the blazer jacket." You know." "And I was out of my mind and into another bag and I'm sashaying up... 6th Avenue from 52nd Street, and a little boy in blue, he was following me." "And, oh, I looked at him a couple of times and I was drunk." "But I said, "No." "You never can tell." You know." "So and this cat insists, you know." "He should have been busted!" "...and I goofed." "Oh, yes, I did." "And he took out his little badge, you know." "Well, I put him through some changes." "Then I started telling him about that, you know," "I'm like, I, um..." "Oh, I flipped out to the nuthouse." "They put me in a jail cell and I just screamed and carried on like it was New Years Eve." "And I took my eyeglasses and hit 'em against the cell and sawed up my wrists and then I screamed all night." "So they took me to Bellevue." "When that cop came back the next morning he looked at me, he said, "You told me you were crazy."" "I tried to warn him." "But anyway..." "So, you know, I've been, you know, kind of leery... of you cats ever since." "But, uh...if you're a cop, you know, what can you do to me?" "Oh, boy, oh, boy." "And this drink, and I'm telling you somethin'..." "When you drink, you'd better learn how to handle it." "I went through some changes in my life where..." "I don't know what the fuck was happening, but I was getting so drunk." "And I mean so drunk... that I couldn't get home." "On my way home, I'd find myself on my knees." "You know, and then I'm on my knees on the street." "You know: me!" "You know." "As grand as I am!" "And I get up." "Jesus Christ!" "And I mean I get up..." "The effort to get up!" "You know, and you get up and you start to walk and you feel you're gonna make it." "And the next thing you know, you're on your knees again!" "And it's like, "Oh, Jesus Christ!" "If I ever, ever do get up!" You know'?" "And you fall back down again." "And it's wet!" "And you...you start to..." "Oh, my goodness!" "And then you finally, you know, start walking." "You make it home." "And then you say, "Oh, Lord, if I ever do get together," "I'll never get that drunk again!" You know." "Boy!" "You don't do that no more." "Pheeeew." "What a trip!" "Hey, Jase." "Do one of your nightclub bits." "Okay." "Hey, man." "Throw me that bag." "Thank you." "Now..." "In this bag, I have some very groovy props." "These are props." "You know, all actors have props." "This particular prop was given to me by a very nice young lady who was a waitress in a restaurant we eat in on 8th Avenue... 22nd Street." "And this is what you call a picture hat." "Now, a picture hat is something that's worn by a lady." "And my favorite lady, from Hollywood, was Miss Mae West." "And Mae was like, you know, a way-out chick, you know." "I think she's really a female faggot." "She's cool." "And I'd like to give you a few lines of Mae's from some of her, you know, more famous productions." "I remember, once she said to Victor McLaglen, she says, um," ""You may not be no oil painting, but you're a fascinating monster."" "So she was in a show called "Diamond Lil,"" "and they did a nude of her, with a little piece of chemise over her body." "So she says, "Say, Jim." "Did my painting come back?"" "He said, "Yes, Lil." "It's in there."" "She said, 'Well, I'd like to take a look at it." "I wanna see if they got all my details in place."" "So she looks at the picture." "And there she is, gorgeous." "So she says, "Say, Jim." "Where're you gonna put that picture?"" "He said, "Oh, I don't know, Lil." "We're gonna hang it up around here someplace."" "She said, "Hang it any place you like as long as you don't hang it over the free lunch counter."" "Oh, yeah, so he assumes, says to her, says," ""Lil, I'm goin' right down to Macy's and get you that watch."" "She said, "Get me no watches, baby." "I'll have nothing to do with time."" "She had a nice big brown dark-skinned maid named Beulah." "She was laying back in a bedroom one day and she said, "Beulah, peel me a grape."" "She told W.C. Fields, in a flick, one night, she says..." "After the honeymoon, she puts a goat in the bed." "She says, "Now you just lay there, lamby boy." "Everything's gonna be all right... as long as you keep your mouth shut."" "Fields is in the tub going, "Rahnahnah Rrrnnnrrr."" ""Oh, my, my!" "A hairy little fella isn't he?"" "She's up on the hill, meeting some cat." "He jumps off a horse, bandit style, gives her a pot of gold, big kiss, jumps on the horse, splits." "She stands there, daggling the bag of gold." "And she says, "Farewell, my quickest one."" "Right!" "Weeell..." "Lovely hat." "Nobody can wear these big hats 'cept Mae and me." "Wow!" "Ooo...if my mother could see me now." "Guess who?" "Scarlett O'Hara." "Tara." "Tara!" "What's happened to Tara?" "No food!" "Oh!" "With God as my witness," "I shall never be hungry again!" "Miss Melanie had her baby today." "'Cause it was me that helped her bring it." "It was mostly me." "It was a little baby girl." "Yes." "Yes." "But yes, Mr. Butler?" "Miss Melanie said for you to come out here and talk to me." "'Cause you got to get us a carriage and we got to go up to Atlanta 'cause the Yankees is coming!" "And Mr. Butler, I is scared!" "Lift the mike." "Oh, there was other good things to take material from, like, uh," "Carmen Jones is... a favorite, favorite, favorite thing of mine." "And I'm sure you all dig Carmen Jones." "Here we go." "Carmen was a... real swinging chick that upset a cigarette factory and the soldier went AWOL and everything she touched just sizzled." "And, there was the bit where he deserts the army and he runs away." "They're at this country club." "Cindy Lou comes to town to tell him that his Ma has died." "He says, "Carmen." "You're coming with me."" "She says, "You'd better go on back to your Ma, boy." "And here's that little old 10-cent-store ring you gimme."" ""No!" She says, "I've got a seat in the box office to see Husky Miller fight." "I'll see you later, boy."" "He says, "You bitch." "You ain't never gonna do that to no man again." "You give me love and then you kill it before my very eyes."" "She says, "Kill me then or let me be!"" "And he plunges the knife in her, falls to the ground..." "Joe falls on his knees and says," ""String me high to a tree, so that soon I will be with my Carmen."" "And, of course, Pearl Bailey was in that show keeping everything going." "She was talking about, "Beating out some rhythm on the drums," "You can beat out that rhythm of the drums." "And then the drums will beat." "Oh, Lord, give it a good hard lick." "And you can beat out that rhythm!"" "Beat it out!" "Yeah." "What else have you got?" "Do one that makes you cry..." "Yeah, I've got to cry." "I'll have to do the end." "Hello, mother." "Hello, dad." "The calla lilies are in bloom again." "Such a strange flower." "I carried them on my wedding day and now I have placed them here in memory of something that's died." "You know, one should...really pay attention when one says goodbye... 'cause one might be saying, farewell." "Nah!" "I don't know how the rest of the world feels at this moment." "Tell us about the scene, man." "Shit...about the scene with Tennessee Williams." " This scene..." " Yeah." "Tennessee Williams... you know, just couldn't have done me any more justice." "I mean, this is my moment, you know." "I'm here, like, on the throne." "You know." "And I can say whatever I goddamn please." "But it's got to be righteous, you know." "Oh, this is my chance to really feel myself." "And say, yes..." "I'm the bitch." "Believe it." "You know." "You amateur cunts, take notice." "I'm the bitch." " Carl?" " Out!" "Please turn around and smile at me." "Okay, keep the tape running so that..." "Come back in and smile at me." "I mean, give me that credit." "Doing all right, you know." "So we all know you're a great actress." "You've played all the parts and it's fine." "Right." "We all know you're a big con artist." "And I know you don't really give a shit about nothing or nobody but you." "But, uh... you're still not coming down front." "And everything that makes this thing work... ls it true?" "You come down front." "Solid." "That's different than what you'd said than any other banger I'd go out on the street and find who'd say the same goddamn thing." "Keith could probably say it ten times better than that." "He wasn't given the opportunity." "And I should be grateful." "Jason, you ain't never been grateful in your life." "So stop that bullshit." "There's only one role you can do, Jason." "And that's you." "Alright." "I know where that's at." " It's all about you, right." " Thank you." "Give me the bottle." "We got 20 million bitches who could do that role better." "Shut them bitches up!" "Tell them to get off the scene." " Mother's comin' through." " Well, let's hear mother." "Solid." "Oh, it's just the gypsy in my soul." "If I am fancy free" "And I am fancy." "And God knows I've been pretty free..." "Talk about love, man." "Tell us about some of the cats you've loved." "Oh, love?" "Love." "I've been in love!" "Let me tell you about some of the people I've loved." "I've been in love once, many times." "You know." "I can fall in and out of love... as fast as you can turn on the electric lights." "But when I do it," "I'm not jiving." "I'm serious." "You know." "I can be hurt in a second." "And I can make you feel that you're the most desirable human being that ever walked this earth... in that same second." "I mean, it's...it's just something about me." "I have a way with, you know, like, gettin' my shit across." "And when I'm serious," "I come up with some pretty groovy results." "Like, any mother-grabber you can talk into doing what you want him to do." "He ain't no mother-grabber at all." "But you figure, alright, let's play with this turkey, you know, ...have a little fun, that's, like, your one on the house." "How you run it down to him?" "Well, you promise him everything." "You got a gift of gab." "How do you run it down to him?" "He figures that you're big money, you're dressing flashy, you got a camera, you're..." "Oh, you've got all the artificial bullshit that the white queens have, you know." "But, on a spade to them it looks good 'cause their minds are limited and narrow, you know." "So, right away they think, oh shit, they're into something, you know." "And all you're trying to do really is beat 'em for their frame." "You know." "And you're gonna do that." "You know, I usually do." "And, they get so hung-up in what they're gonna get... that all they get is balls." "You know?" "And I just walk away and say," ""Ha-ha!" But that's dangerous again, too, 'cause some of them get revengeful, you know." "And they feel they've been had." "They come looking for you." "They kick your ass." "So you have to lie fast and move fast." "If you can always out-talk 'em, you know, once they get you in a nervous spot, you just get nervouser than they are, you know." "Nobody really wants to take the rap." "But, this keeps you on your toes." "They're pretty frightening people." "And you keep saying, "Oh..." "I'm not gonna do that anymore." "You know. "No more, no more, no..."" "And then one day, you go into a bar and you look and you're out of your mind and there's one that looks like aargh..." "Oh, shit," ""Here I go again," you know." "So you're right up in his nose," "Like oh, um... puttin' your change on the bar, playing this jukebox... anything to get his attention." "Oh, singing the songs." "You are there, you know, for the reason." "And if he's got any brain at all, he's got to sense something, you know, this is his score for the day." "So there you score another idiot." "And you end up with a problem, like you don't know whether you're gonna get killed or you're gonna get eaten." "And you take them on trips." "Oh, I got guts..." "I try all kinds of little games." "Nah...you know:" "poppers in their nose and... fingers up their ass, heads in water, golden showers." "No!" "For God's sake." "Anything!" "Nothing is too far out to do, you know." "I'm just bona fide freaksville." "You know, whatever you say, "Have you ever done that before?"" ""Yeeas." "Oh, that's an old one."" "And then say, you know, "What else is nevi?"" "And you just keep on going through these changes." "I got hung up with one once that had 22 bloody mirrors in the place." "And everywhere you looked you could see your ass!" "You know, coming at you." "Ooo!" "Such an orgy!" "How crazy can you be?" "But..." "man, you don't blow any shots." "You know, if you're as desperate as I am, you're...you'll... you pull 'em all." "And this is what I got busted for." "Oh, my God!" "It's such a scandal!" "And I didn't feel a thing." "You know." " Party." " Oh, party, party." "Party!" "Sometimes I get bored and I think the nicest place to party is in the male whorehouse." "And those Turkish baths are good for that." "And, as you know, I'm a experimental queen." "I'll experiment with anything, one time." "I take a box of poppers in there and I'm in the steam room." "Get everybody into a scene..." "Oh, cats are swinging, they're reaching across the rafters." "And, oh, wooh!" "The place is smokin'." "And I'm popping these idiotic little things all over the place and everybody's having a ball and I panicked." "I said, "Something's burning!"" ""Joint's on fire!"" "I said, "Something is burning."" "And it was me." "Okay, take him in." "Then what happened?" "Out." "Okay." "Ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ti!" "'Bout ready to go on?" " Rolling." "I go the way of all flesh." "Now that's the truth." "That's the truth, so help me God... if I've ever told it." "I'm a truth-teller now, and there's not a lie in me." "I think I'm losing my mind." "But nevertheless, it's sewing a purpose." "I'm telling you, life is what you make it." "You know." "And some of these people out here, making the same mistakes." "You know." "Now, well, they say, 'Why get married?" You know." "Well?" "Some people dig it." "But, uh, I am never going to get hung up on one of them boy-boy marriages." "You know." "Like, it's the TV dinner and them Madison Avenue ones, they got all the latest Broadway show albums." "They can quote you Carol Channing verbatim." "You know." "And they dress and they're at every balcony in every theatre in town." "But... they some pretty sick people." "Where do you go?" "And, I seem to have... good taste." "You know." "I like to go into better places, 'cause I figure they're spending a little more and, they might be talking the same language." "I go like, East, the East 50s is groovy." "You know." "If you can't cop there, you know, if you're sheik, you can't cop anywhere." "All you have to do is just be patient, you know." "And you got a lot of tired old strolling bachelors home;" "young waiters that don't work in the daytime, you know, looking for matinees." "And it just all takes place like you can just buy a sandwich in the deli." "You know, uh..." "East 50s is kinda nice." "A nice place to live." "Of course, rent is high there, you know... and so that makes the clientele a little more refined." "And I like that." "And, uh," "I find when the heat gets to you, there's one good escape from being gay." "I was grabbed one time..." "they're gonna search ya, you know." "As soon as the cop touched me, I went, "Ooo!" "Officer!"" "And he said, "Aww...get the hell outta here!" "You know." "And I was cool." "You know, I tipped away with my thing, you know." "And like," "I found out not to hang around there anymore." "But that's the good thing:" "sometimes it saves you, you know, it really can save you." "Go into a thing." "I've also found, like, um," "I hang out with a lot of ofays in show business." "You know, like, I've been striving for that nightclub." "And," "They're all...very, very warm and nice, for one reason:" "as long as the white boy finds out that you don't want to screw the white girl, then you're kind of in." "You know." "So then you're all just one big gay family together, you know." "As long as they think that you're more interested in the man, in the end, than in the woman, then everything is cool." "So, you become nice then." "You know, you're safe to have around." "And," "Jesus Christ!" "Some of them boys, they're worse than the girls, you know." "And they all get...they're kind of mixed up." "And, um..." "Wow!" "Wow!" "Wow!" "I don't know what's gonna become of those people but I've had enough of them." " So..." " What about spade queen?" "Oh, nothing grander." "About spade queen..." "Would you mind if I say a few words about spade queens?" "Uptown is where it's at." "If you wanna know what's shakin', you gotta go to the street where they got walk-in department stores." "You don't have to go into department stores." "Just grab a man on the corner on by and follow some nice girl." "Now, you can...can get confused up there because, some of them that are lookin' like girls, they ain't girls." "I mean they got some drag queens in Harlem that are together." "I mean they're coming out and they got fur coats and collars and wigs for days." "And I mean, they don't slouch down the avenue like no Eastside maid." "These broads tip, you know." "They take over." "You know, it's as if their attitude is, like, let's take the scene." "And they take it!" "Cops are scratching their heads and people are saying, 'Weeew!"" "And they all feel nothin'." "You know, they're stoned out of their minds and they're sharp and they know where they're going." "And they refer to each other as "Miss Thing."" ""Miss Thing, you gotta comb."" ""Miss Thing, but I don't know why!"" ""Miss Thing, if you don't straighten up, then come on, now." "You know why we got to be there." "We said we were gonna be there." "And then we'll, be there!" Go on in the parlor and sit in the box and scream at Jackie Moms Mabley, saying, "Lord...what is it?"" "Moms'll say "You know, my, that's Moms' children up there!" "Y'all a little funny, but you can't help it." You know." ""Somebody got to give you a break."" "And these are the girls." "These are the girls in furs and feathers and they all get a chance to walk across the stage." "And they know how to walk." "Now some of them have got bad feet, and these high heels is killing them!" "You dig it?" "And they walk like they're walking on eggshells." "You know." "What happens when they get downtown?" "Oh, when they get downtown you see, where they wanna carry on for the white folks..." "Oh, this is what happens when they get downtown:" "They always feel that they've got to get prim and proper." "And they tuck in their lips." "Oh, and they say, How do you do'?" "Shu-duh-di-doo." "Chops is killing them, you know." "They wanna go, "Gah!"" "so bad but they go "uh-shu-duh-di-doo."" "Everybody's got a very funny story." "A friend of mine, Miles Davis, working at the Vanguard." "Philly Joe goes in with a blonde, passes right by Miles, and doesn't speak." "So somebody says, "That's Philly Joe, he didn't speak to you, Miles?"" "Miles said, 'Well, shoot, I didn't mind so much he didn't speak." "And I don't care so much she was a blonde,"" "he said, "but the dude had his lips tucked in!"" "Jason." "Tell that story you told me about the old man in Frisco." "Sure." "Yeah." "Sometimes you just sit back and you think about some of the things you've done:" "...how ridiculous, how...something...or... it was the hip thing to do at the time." "Like, when I was really making a scene with cats." "Like for bread." "And..." "You're always looking to give as less as you possibly could and get out with as much as you could." "It's the only way to play the game." "And I didn't have too much experience about... where to go." "And I met a friend and he kind of hipped me a little bit to what was happening." "And I did something fantastic!" "This man took me way across the Golden Gate Bridge and moved me into a groovy, groovy place." "And, through the help of my nice little friend, this man used to take business trips." "And the house was loaded with antiques and all this shit that I didn't even understand, but... my little friend knew what it was." "And I soon learned." "So he convinced me into getting a moving van." "And we were gonna disappear." "And my little friend and I just unloaded this house like we were moving to another section of town." "And we went in the Mission District and took the things... and left the man's house with a note, you know, 'We will return,"" "or some silly nonsense like that." "And the poor old man had a heart attack." "You know?" "I don't miss him at all." "Nice doggie." "You know I'm knocking around, you know like when you're in a mad scene and your lone scene, you always try to make it where the most is happening, well..." "I being, you know, the respectable type..." "I always stayed where I thought it was the most safe." "And, like, there's nothing like a good round Y... or even a square Y, for that matter." "You know." "Of 'course, the Ys, and all those other nice holy organizations, they're so holy, they got a policeman on every floor." "If they hear two voices in a room, they'll kick the door down, you know." "Then you gotta go through all this drag embarrassment of, you know, get out of town or move into the other end of the city." "It's a drag." "It happened to me once." "I wasn't in one place, though, I'd give myself an hour." "'Cause I was anxious that day." "Five minutes, I got back to my room, there was a note on the desk:" ""You may have a refund."" "I sat there and I..." "I felt so bad." "I just oh." "I was so ashamed." "I said, "Oh, God," ""how could I have been so stupid?" You know, like after working a whole year to get there." "You know." "I was there an hour." "An hour." "And I had to pack up all my shit and get out of there and then I'm out on Olive and 9th Street in Los Angeles with a damned suitcase and nowhere to go." "But, I said, I'll think of something." "So I went and sat in a bus station." "And one of them big robust-looking construction worker type cats came along and I got in his nose." "And I talked this cat to death." "Next thing I knew, I was in an old jalopy heading for North Hollywood." "Me in North Hollywood?" "I said, "Oh!" "I must send some postcards."" "And so I went to North Hollywood with this child." "That's what he was, an overgrown child:" "all muscle, no brain... white, blue-eyed, blond." "Ridiculous but gorgeous!" "So I had to see what I was gonna do for a job." "I had no job." "It was a job looking after him, you know." "And he worked for the telephone company." "That was very exciting." "He wore the blue jeans, and the boots and the du-du-duh." "And every morning I was packing that lunch thing and sending him off to work." "And I would just lie down in the sunshine and drink cheap wines and scotch and..." "oh, I had a swell time." "And I'd smoke." "And I started to teach him to eat good colored food." "Oh, Lord, he'd never had any chitlins." "I tried to chitlins this motherfucker to death." "I had him eating Croesus salad." "Oh, I had him eating, you know." "And he was big as an ox." "And that used to just knock me out." "I figured he was saying something, you know'?" "He was a stone idiot." "But he made 175 dollars a week." "And I wasn't working." "You know." "So we had a good time." "I taught him how to shop." "I'd buy food for the week and" "I took out my little household allowance." "During the day, when he was at work, I'd go to my clubs, some Turkish baths." "And, I'd always get home and have the dinner ready on time." "Finally, after you train them cats, they get just like soul brothers." "When they come home, they want the bed made and the dinner ready, and they're cool, you know." "Keep them a clean t-shirt and some khakis and..." "You got no problem." "I found myself hung up unaware when I ran into another little thing in San Francisco." "That's a hang-up town, I'll tell you about that town..." "It's like, uh, Father Flanagan would be out of place there, you know." "'Cause that's a boys town." "A girl there looking for a husband is in trouble." "She might as well forget it." "Forget it!" "And I love San Francisco." "But the boys there sort of have an organization, and they're organized." "And that's something that has to be in everybody's life." "If you wanna make it, you can't fake it." "If you wanna take it, you gotta get organized." "Get your buns together, you know." "And I think its about time now" "I picked up my gay buns and swished outta here." "Whew, I've got to tell." "Tell us about Big Tough." "Tough." "Big Tough." "What's he talking about?" " Brother Tough." " Brother Tough!" "Brother Tough." "You know, that's one thing about folks." "They will give each other nicknames." "You know." "My father... is a character of my family." "He really is." "His name," "Brother Tough." "When I was a little kid, people used to pass by the house and say," ""Hey Fanny'?" "ls old Tough home?"" "And I have a brother who's a groovy, nice, quiet cat." "And my father's got muscles bulging for days, and he's a bad operator, you know, big time gambler, bootlegger." "And I'm out in the street skipping rope." "Tough don't dig this, too tough." "What can he do?" "I'm his." "I'm a very sensitive, sweet child." "You know." "I mean, I want the better things in life." "I don't wanna be tough." "But I'm Tough's son." "Oh, and that got rough as time went on." "Because..." "I just got into his eyesight of just making him sick!" "You know'?" "Every time he looked at me, he didn't believe it, you know." "He'd have to stop sometimes in his own nice little Alabama way and say," "'Why you do that?"" "You know'?" "And he'd say, "It just makes me wanna knock your head off," you know." "And I didn't have sense enough to get out of the way." "And he'd give it a few gay knocks, you know." "And..." "I was always doing something to keep this man on my ass." "Something..." "God!" "You would have thought I dug it, you know, and I was really screaming to get out." "But every day I managed to mess up." "And Tough would come with that big razor strap and make me lay across the bed." "And he'd say," ""Lay down across the bed and I's a gonna whup your behind." "And don't move." "And don't holler." "And they ain't gonna tear up them clothes they bought you," you know." ""The pants is coming down." "They're gonna tear your natural ass." "And if you jump too much, you know, you get a more punch." "The more still you lie," you know," ""the less pain your tail will get applied."" "And..." "Wow!" "I used to get it every day." "My mother used to say to me," ""Don't you get tired of him knocking you in the head every day, for the same thing?" "Why don't you wise up?"" "You know." "So I said, "Okay, I'll be cool." You know." "And then I got to the point where I got evil: if they said, don't do it, I did it." "You know." "And I'd go some place where I know I didn't belong," "I'd stay there, they'd say:" ""Ooh, your father's looking for you." "When he see you he's gonna kill ya."" "I said 'Well, hell, if I'm gonna get killed..." "I might as well stay 'til it closes."" "You know, they can't beat me but once for the same thing, you know." "Well, I'd sit there 'til the house came down!" "You know." "And I'd go home scared shitless!" "You know, knowing I'm gonna get my behind torn up!" "But still, I'm evil and I'm bitching all the way, going in the house, trembling!" "And all of a sudden, the whole neighborhood hears:" ""Yaah! " "Shut up!"" "And they'd say, "That's Brother Tough, tearing up Aaron's ass again."" "Tell 'em about that time you stood up to him." "Oh!" "One day, I lost my head." ""Tell 'em about the time I stood up to him!"" "Oh, "tell 'em about the time..." Don't ever stand up to Tough!" "I lost my head one day." "And he hit me, and I said, "Oh!" "Enough of you!"" "And I ran out back, and my mother ran." "She was so surprised." ""Hold him!" "No," my father said, "Let him go!"" "And I said, "Oh, no!" "Let me go!"" ""Let me at him!" "Oh, I'll kill him!"" "And my mother, oh, she's losing her mind!" "My father said, "I'll kill him."" ""I'll kill him!"" "He gets a gun out the drawer." "He's all butting me across the..." "My mother's screaming "Jeeee...!"" "My father says, "Get him outta here!"" "And old me, I just said..."Oh!"" "And there's rotten neighbors in the street, saying things like:" "'Why didn't you pick up something and hit him in the head?"" "Oh, Lord!" "What a childhood!" "But I'll never tell!" "Tell us about the gambling." "Gambling for days." "Oh, about the gambling?" "Oh, yes, they'd gamble." "They made corn liquor, and they'd gamble." "And have you ever drank any of that uncut corn?" "That's what I learned, they'd say, pour the corn, and speaking of pour the corn, somebody pour me a little corn, right now." "Thank you very much." "Yeah, they used to pour the corn." "The liquor would come out of the still dripping...bumptidumtidum." "They'd get some bum to sit up there all night that'd been sitting up all night, you know." "So he couldn't do nothing but sit up." "I wanna thank you, brother." "Yes." "This will probably get it." "Oh, as they say, "One more drink and I'll tell it all."" "The corn used to come out of the still." "I mean out of there." "I'd crawl on my knees a little while, wait 'til the old man went to sleep... and take that tube out and suck it in my chops." "And I'd get so full of that uncut I'd keel over on the floor." "One of them would pick me up and put me back in my little bed." "They'd be playing skin." "Now, skin is a very hip game." "I know Charlie ain't hip to skin, but..." "I never did get all the understanding of skin, but I know they play it in a wooden box, and they'd throw the cards out and there's a cut and the houseman gets so much, and duh duh duh... and they'd be skinning for days." "And, like, they left piles of money, so I'd get up to go to school in the morning and they'd say, "Help yourself, you know."" "My father'd say, "Oh, he got plenty cents."" "You know and there was 50 cent pieces them days." "They was good." "I always grabbed the biggest." "I always had the biggest eyes, you know, like when I sat down to the table to eat?" "Oh, that was a funny bit." "I don't know what was wrong with my eyes, as near-sighted as I was, but I could always see the largest chop, you know." "And my father was just as evil as I was." "I'd just go, ump!" "and he'd say, "Ump!" "Put it back!"" ""Eyes bigger than his belly."" "I heard that all my life." ""Eyes bigger that your belly." I just loved to eat." "You know." "And, we had lots of funny, funny, funny scenes at home." "Brother Tough." "Brother Tough, that's a terrible name to go through life with." " What did he look like?" " Oh, my goodness!" "He takes better care of himself than I do." "He's got the nice, round, smooth baby face, big black eyebrows that look like he set 'em." "You know." "And he wears very dignified, rimless glasses." "And his belly sticks out but he holds it in." "And he's hip enough to keep all his hair shaved off so the gray don't show, you know, and it's shiny like a copper penny." "And he wears those little shades over his eyes." "And he sits there all night long playing coon can, you know." "Hmmm...cutting." "Getting up in the morning, taking his breakfast." "Cookin' nice, off a meat kick." "Now he goes through things where he, phew, ...takes a nap every day at 3 o'clock." "While mother's working like mad, you know, he lies down." "ls a nice man." "But, wow." "How do you feel?" "I feel marvelous, I feel you know, like... fresh!" "Are you shimmering?" "Hey, Jason." "Tell us about your mother." "My mother'?" "Oh, my mother." "Though, she tried to keep my father's foot out." "She was a nice colored lady." "She was of quality." "I mean, white folks was proud of her, 'cause she knew her place." "And she stayed in it." "And she protected me 'til the day she died." "May her soul rest in peace." "But nevertheless, I mean, you have these memories." "And they'll bring them out of you, if you try to forget... they're gonna get to you, somehow." "So all you have to do is just cleanse your soul and say, "Hallelujah!"" "You know." "I escaped them mother-grabbers!" "You go on to the next scene." "Scared." "Oh, scared." "I've been scared so many times, I ain't even being scared of being scared anymore." "I've run out of what the hell to be scared of." "So I got no more cop-out there, you know." "My other hang-up was loot." "Somebody give me some bread." "I want to go on the stage." "Well, they've given me so much bread, and I haven't gone on the stage, that I could be a drunken rage by now." "You know." "But I'm still...cob-knocking!" "And telling myself that, you know..." ""Any day now."" "You know." "And I mean that!" "And I think I can pull it off." "But I don't have much time." "Oh, speaking of the time." "Yeah, I understand where it's at." "You really got to make up your mind to get it." "And you gotta pull your buns together and get it." "And once you get it, don't quit it." "And, as a sister of mine says," "Ill!" never" "Jason?" "Did you love your mother'?" "I didn't know her too well." "Really." "I mean... she and I must have had moments." "She taught me how to cook." "Yes, she was good to me." "Yes." "Good, good, good." "Good as gold." "Yes." "Because...you know, once that evil separation of... a tribal family like mine of such high Indian prestige." "You know." "They wouldn't have stooped to...you know, like, getting out of any squander." "But they the ones that started this shit in the first place, you know, 'cause they're under ofay influence." "You know, somebody told them that they were different." "Oh, that's so...that was the mistake." "You know." "So they got, uh, like..." "black soul with a white attitude." "That don't make it." "That don't make it." "That don't make it at all." "You know, if you're gonna be real." "And if I'm gonna go, I'm going all the way." "You know." "Or not at all." "All the way." "All the way...yes." "All the way." "That's what you're selling?" "Black soul with white..." "Ain't I?" "And they buying' like mothers." "But you got to be cool!" "You can't overdo it." "Because, they're like any other sucker." "They'll keep coming back for more." "As long as they don't feel that they've been royally fucked." "You know." "They're gluttons for punishment." "And you've got to be hip enough to be able to constantly feed just a necessity to this hunger." "How am I doing?" "Hey, hey." "Tweet, tweet, tweet." "Tweet, twat." "They don't even call them twats anymore." "It's just tweet, tweet, tweets." "Eliminate the twat!" "Mothers all did it." "The cunts." "But how could you say a thing like that to a nice old broad like your Ma?" "Ya cunt!" "I'd love to say it." "Just once." "Under the Christmas tree or something, you know." "Jason?" "Did you hate your mother'?" "Well, I tried to but then I got pregnant." "Mothers are the most beautiful people in the world, about knowing what's happening." "I mean, she will always stand by her boy." "And that's why they say, "A boy that sticks to his mother will never go wrong."" "I had...my mother was beautiful to me." "Because when I first started carrying on, in the dormitories," "I didn't know that boys exclusive thing, straight up was...you know." "I just thought everybody was... broad- I don't know what I thought." "But, the trouble with me at that time was," "I didn't think at all." "I was just wild." "I was wild, black and crazy and I had a white boy fever that was," "E-E-I-O-yea h-yay!" "And I had a gift of gab, like went along with them Brooks Brother clothes." "And... they saw me, you know, like sitting up in their country estates, and dutudu doing entertaining and singing that goddamn Whiffenpoof song and whatever else you go through with them." "And oh, boy!" "I went through changes with those gorgeous little boys." "Did your mother ever talk to you about being a fag?" "My mother'?" "Just once." "What you can do to a mother that can destroy her for once and for all and you...you never can face again dadudadu" "All she has to do is see you suck one prick, you know." "And...nobody can tell her anything else for the rest of..." "You're a cocksucker." "You know." "And she thinks you're like her father..." "so she made a mistake twice!" "You know, how dumb can a bitch be?" "And she's black, too?" "Ooo, God." "Jason, when will you get to the chicks?" "I fell in love, oh, dear." "I thought I was a real lesbian." "Because somebody had to take the man's parts." "You know." "Oh!" "It's enough to make you queer." "I'll tell you." "When I wasn't 12 years old before I knew every lesbian, pimp, whore, bulldagger in town!" "And I was making some coins from it, plus enjoying myself, you know." "And finding out exactly what was happening, you know." "And then they'd look at me and say, "You're queer."" "Oh, the people just don't know, child." "They just don't know." "There's some times..." "Lord!" "And it can get so good, too, you know." "You figure, this is my last rope." "If I'm gonna die, you know, like, what a...fuckin' way to go!" "You know." "And, of course, when you're nervous and guilty and simple like I am..." "I've been wasting a lot of time lately thinking about, like, I'm gonna kick." "Off!" "You know, like, I ain't gonna be here." "And that's ridiculous because... every time I think that, shit, then I'm only staying longer, you know." "But that's my thing for, like, trying to get away from it." "And I keep, oh, I've been dying for years." "You know, like, I've out-died..." "oh, so many of 'em." "You know." "And I'm still here." "That's luck." "But one day that luck is gonna run out." "You understand?" "And, I just wanna be straight." "Hey, man." "Talk about the Bowery." "What was it like, the first time you were forced to do it?" "The first time that I ever was forced to do it..." "What happens to you when you're first ever forced to do it?" "I went into one of them places... and I fell out...you know, from being drunk, and overanxious to get inside some place the night before." "And the first thing I heard in the morning was a great, big, black, burly cat saying," ""Open your eyes and see where your big black ass has led you to be."" "Ooo...that hurt." "That really hurt, you know." "I mean, I sat up that morning and I took notice." "Phew. ...!" "Now, if you can cope with that then you can...you can just about make anything, you know." "How did you feel?" "Did you cop, man?" "Oh, you get in there and you find yourself..." "How do you feel?" "Sure you feel...you feel like, this is it." "You know." "You horny motherfucker." "Stayed that way." "You know." "You were able to make it just as wild there as if you were paying for it on Park Avenue, you know." " Like, after a while, you..." " You dug it!" "Oh, it was a gas!" "You know." "Yes." "I really dug it." "You know, like, it was like a bum's benefit." "And in my case it was quite beneficial, you know, because I..." "Now why is that?" "Well, I experienced things that I never had before." "You know, like, the ones that get off them big trucks at the drums, and..." "You...oh, God, I had to go through some changes!" "What things you had never experienced before?" "Well, like I never dreamt of them ones that really come around there like a lion's roar, you know, ...could be had." " But it's the...it's an American dream." " With the lice and the bedbugs." "Oh!" "Good Lord, yeah!" "And you get to laying up in these jive joints, you know." "And you've got to sit on the bed with a newspaper in one hand and a can of Raid-It in the other hand." "You know'?" "And the minute them Mother-grabbers start down the stairs, you Raid it!" "You know." "And you hit them." "And, uh... after a while, it's just... just, ew!" "You know." "You say to yourself, 'What are you doing?"" "You get guilty with...you know, like, you figure all your friends you've been going to see..." "You know, I had a friend once say to me in San Francisco," ""I've never come and seen you live anywhere."" "And it just dawned on me that I... hadn't, since I left home, really lived anywhere." "And that was kind of sad, you know." "But shit." "I said, fuck it." "You know." "How am I doin'?" "You're doing fine, Jason." "Have I goofed, Shirley?" "No, man, everything's straight." "No sweat." "How'd you get the bread you needed?" "How'd you get the 75 cents you needed for the bed?" "Well, I guess I'd have to get it from..." "I'd go out and have to talk somebody out of it." "I would help." "I was always willing to work, you know." "Like, uh..." "I was always good for old ladies in distress." "Or something like that." "Oh, I could spot a good ho in a minute, and know that she was a generous tipper, you know, and needed some recognition, you know." "I could play all the parts, you know." "So I had a kind of caught eye peeled for a nickel." "And, I liked money." "And I...they told me I was cute." "I thought I was the ugliest thing in town, but..." "I guess, after a while, I begin to believe it." "And you get cute to a certain extent." "You know." "I mean, you just...poof." "Why don't you talk about the nickel and dime shit, man, not being cute." " Nickel and dime?" " Yeah." " That's when you're out there," " Nickel and dime." "You know, they got these gin mills, you know." "And they're selling beer in the cartons." "And, I mean, this was when they were called beer gardens." "And the party was going on in the garden." "And if you were in the it-crowd, you were in the garden, in the party." "And, in those days, that was the hip place to be, you know." "So I spent a lot of time in parties and in gardens, you know." "I became a garden queen." "You know, I was ho'ing." "And digging it..." "And the johns came easily." "You know." "Those sweet little white boys, you can talk 'em into anything, you know." "And charge accounts at Saks and Brooks Brothers and the du du du du and luncheon at the Roosevelt." "And, uh... they couldn't wait to get on the phone to say, "Mother says this room is dark." "Send up a few lamps."" "Talk about living in the Bowery, the flophouses?" "Down there?" "This all escapes you for a while." "You know." "But what really gets next to you is that's how you know it could be." "What gets next to ya..." "Yeah, it gets next to ya, that you're living some bullshit that really shouldn't exist!" "But you're saying, "Fuck it." "This is my life."" "You know." "And "I am going to swing with it." You know." ""So shit, hell, or high water!"" ""I'm the bitch!"" "And "This is what I wanna do," "Then, motherfucker, do it!"" "You know." "And do it and tell it, like... how you squirmed out of it, how you knocked down cockroaches, and... how you ate shit!" "You know." "And really enjoyed that, too." "Because all of that was a pan of the living up to it:" "what you want to be able to say and do... right now." "Yes!" "And I think that," "I'm alright now." " Tell it like it is, man." " Yeah." "Tell it like it is." "Yeah, tell it like it is, huh?" "I am the queen for a day!" "Long after Dinah... came..." "Jason." "I think Dinah would have liked that." "Dinah." "Oh, there coulda never been anyone finer." "This girl had some blues in her heart and soul." "That didn't just naturally come from Carolina." "It came from Dinah Lee." "And, I'll tell you, there used to be the times that I was so gasolitical ...to sit and gaze in the eyes... of the queen's blaze." "YES... she spoke of... many a new daydream... to me." "She treated me like a person." "Oh, she called me Bitches and all kinds of dirty names, but that was only her way of telling me how much she loved me." "And I realized how fortunate I was to be...around such a beautiful woman... who was... all heart and expression." "Yes, the queen!" "To the queen..." "Dinah!" "No...there could never be any chick finer." " From here..." " Dinah!" " To the state of Carolina..." " Now you reamed that song..." "Oh, God, I loved Dinah." "I loved Dinah." " I love you, Richard." " Who, me?" "I do." " You'll see." " Oh, yeah?" "Don't trust me, Richard." " I don't trust you." " Don't trust me..." "'Cause I'm out to get you." " He's getting something." " I'm out to hang you, baby." "Whoa..." "I wanna fuck you up, oh," "I really wanna fuck you up so you'll be mine." " You don't wanna hurt me, do you?" " Oh, hell no!" "Shit." "In the old days, maybe yeah." "Like you and me:" "there was a groovy understanding, you know." "All your eggs in one basket, mother." "Now really try to tell this time." "This is the last roll of film we've got." " Bring me a bottle." " Bring your bottle." " And my roach." " And your roach." "Bring along your wit 'cause you're going to a party, Miss Berlin." "So, after a while, you say, 'Who gives a shit?"" "Okay." "Take him in." "And you just don't." "And you tell it like it is." " Ooo!" " Don't come on cute with me." "I got a long memory, man." " Did you ever do something real bad?" " Oh." "Remember those dirty rotten letters you wrote about me?" " To make a buck?" " Eeeeeeww !" "While I was laying in the Bowery as a bum?" "What'd you tell those lies for'?" "Why'd you do that to me?" "Rotten queen." "Oh, I couldn't have been that low." "Oh, I didn't!" "Ew!" "No..." "Just 'cause I wouldn't lend you a few lousy dimes." "Oh!" "That's where it's at." "You had to pull your old usual evil shit." " Oh Carl, Carl, Carl..." "Listen to me." " It's impossible to treat you decent" "Without you," "I wouldn't know anything about anything." "And if...you don't know... that I love you... then, man, you don't know anything." "Why'd you try to undo me?" "About anything." "Why did you do that to me?" "Huh?" "I guess because I was subconsciously jealous." "I figured... why did it always have to be you?" "And never me?" "And I did everything I could to please you." "You try to please everybody." "YES." "And that was a mistake, too, because... you only got so much energy." "And I just spent so much time... being a nervous wreck!" "Well, I guess I never really... had any fun at all." "You were always willing to hurt people." "I was just a vicious cunt." "Always there." "Thought I was sharp with the buck." "Ah..." "Do you know how much that hurts?" "It only hurts... when you think of it." "And if you're real, you'll think of it a long, long time." "That's for sure." "Those are the dues." "Face it." "Is that why you won't talk to Carmen now?" "Right." "But we kissed and made up last week and..." "I hope it's not too soon." "Because if I blow again, there goes my last groovy friend." "What'd you do to blow it before?" "Fuck her around?" "Oh, yes." "I just wouldn't cooperate and I would get drunk and be ridiculous." "And, no, I carried on like a real male bitch." "But we all get our chances to go through that, but... as she says, Carmen always was very lenient, you know." "I gotta give the broad credit." "Carmen is an exceptionable woman." "Carmen says everybody's full of shit, to a certain extent, but you know where to draw the line, you know." "And I would always forget where to draw the line." "And then Carmen would have to put her foot in my ass, you know." "And then she'd say, "Bitch, I'm telling you to just straighten up!"" "What's gonna happen if you blow her again?" "I blew her... and I suffered." "Oh!" "Your mother suffered." "Every good friend of ours including Carl and..." "Richie Komoko ... and Betty and..." "Willy Bobo... people that know that I really loved these people, and that I have, like... made a boo-boo." "But I'm trying." "You lonely?" "Lonely?" "I'm desperate!" "But I'm cool." "You should be lonely." " Yeah!" "I should suffer." " Suffer." "I should suffer because I have no rights." "You're not suffering!" "Who says I'm suffering?" "The welfare's paying." "God!" "How'd you con the welfare agency?" "I declared insanity." "I said I was sick." "Oh, you won't believe this:" "a sick queen... from... foreign... descent." "How "foreign" could you be?" "You know." "I was just as foreign as it would take for the check to descent here." " That went over big." " Roll!" "Oh..." "And then I got weak." "And I was humble and I needed sympathy." "Humble?" "Bullshit..." "Goddamn." "Thank you." "What do you mean by humble?" "Well, I was phony." "That's what humble means." "Right?" "First of all, you look at a colored boy and say you're humble?" "Who's any prettier than the white of Carl's eyes?" "And if I can't lie or tell the truth to Carl," "I can't tell it to anyone." "Fuck you, cocksucker." "You're full of shit." "Well, that's showbiz." "Yeah?" "That's why you ain't in it, too, motherfucker, 'cause you're full of shit." "Well, teach me tonight!" "I've been begging you to teach me!" "Bullshit!" " You can teach me!" " An honest fuck?" "Be honest!" "You can teach me!" "Be honest, motherfucker, stop that acting, would you?" " Bullshit." "You're a goddamn liar." " I'm not acting, Carl." " Oh, you're right again." " Damn right, man." "Stop it, will you?" "It's all right, man." "You're just full of shit, man." "That's all." "Oh, shut up." "Oh, Robert, I love you!" "Oh, and I want you." "Never heard of Jason Holliday." " You'd better say that again" " I said it again." "...and smile." "That's why you're full of shit." "I beg your pardon!" "Man, you're the most..." "Well, now you're hip." " Now I gotta cope with your ass." " Yeah." "I thought you were just gonna be gratis." "Oh, thanks a lot." "Well, then, I'll kiss your ass any day at Macy's window." "At high noon, queen." "Marlon Brando jacket and all." "Think I'd let you?" "How could you resist?" "Oh, let's bitch about it a little while." "No." "I don't want no part of you, man." "You fucking nasty bitch." "That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me... especially a man." "You're blowing your own thing, Jason." "You hear me, bitch?" "You're blowing your only thing, a lot of fucking bread." " You ain't gonna get another chance." " Tell me where to stop, Carl!" " You won't get another chance." " Tell me where to stop, Carl!" "It goes around one time, man." "I felt it." "Watch it, man." "Nobody's business now but my own." "You can't cut it." "No more to say." "You had nothing to say to begin with." "That's the drag." "That's the truth." "That's the beautiful truth, but still, it's the truth, Carl." " Your game." " and that's the basis of something." "Your game, baby." "Stick with me, Carl." "Shit!" "Fuck you!" "Oh, you do!" "Oh, thanks a lot!" "Oh, all I need now is to have an orgasm." " Let's see ya." " See you?" "Let's see you have an orgasm." "Thanks a lot, Marvin." "Fine!" "Fine, fine." "Very good." "I think we've all had it, huh?" "Finally." "Oh, that was beautiful." "I'm happy about the whole thing." "Good!" "That's nice." "The end." "The end." "The end...the end..." "The end." "That's it." "It's over." "The end."