"SUSAN!" "What?" "Where are you going?" "It's up to you." "**" "* You won't admit you love me *" "* And so *" "* How am I ever *" "* To know?" "*" "* You always tell me *" "* Perhaps, Perhaps, Perhaps *" "* Perhaps *" "* Perhaps *" "* Perhaps *" "SUSAN!" "What?" "What?" "You know." "No!" "..." "I don't." "I was just wrong." "Wrong about everything." "Since you left me,I've come to see the point of cut flowers and very small picture frames," "And relatives." "I'm thinking of owning more than one bar of soap at a time" "And buying another towel." "and the stands to put the toilet roll on." "And toilet roll, Even when I've got a newspaper." "I now realize that my playstation is a complete waste of my life... and that a lack of realistic gore is not a sensible criticism of chess." "I absolutely promise to abandon all of my disgusting sexual deviances" "Like lesbian porn, MARIELLA FROSTRUP... and talking to other women." "SUSAN..." "Please... ( voice cracking ) just take me back." "I found someone new,someone better." "some who's gonna satisfy me in a way you never could," "You sad pathetic little man." "and I'm gonna make you watch." "Hello, MARIELLA." "Hello, SUSAN." "Are you wearing really small pants?" "Oh, I always wear really small pants" "Me, too." "Mine are absolutely tiny." "You could swallow my entire pants collection with one sip of water." "Could I I?" "Thanks." "Oh, look,there's GAIL PORTER." "Let's have a foam party." "Hi, GAIL." "Are you wearing really tiny pants?" "Jeff:" "Excellent!" "Why do you always turn up in these dreams?" "It's a gift." "Watch out, MARIELLA's losing power." "* PERHAPS, PERHAPS *" "Leave now forever!" "SUSAN, I-- and take your pathetic collection of dirty vieos with you!" "EXCELLENT!" "What are you doing here?" "Spooky, isn't it?" "Am I really supposed to be reading this?" "No, You're supposed to send it to Steve." "Why?" "You've always got to send a man a book when you split up to prove how you're a caring, Giving person and how they're gonna die alone in a pit of their own filth." "A bridge across destiny" "It's about soul mates, fate, and why men are rubbish." "Are you okay?" "Yeah, I-I'm fine." "How to heal a man" "That one's very useful." "It clarifies to even the happiest man" "That, actually,he's miserable." "Kill,Kill the dogs!" "Kill,Kill, Kill!" "( gunshots,dog groaning )" "Weren't you supposed to be getting some wine?" "It tells men the right things to be happy about" "Instead of sport and having fun." "Wine!" "Now make her do the crawl action." "She doesn't need to crawl." "Trust me." "( chuckles ) wow!" "( rings briefly )" "Sally:" "Susan?" "Patrick:" "Phoning Susan?" "Wasn't quite ready." "Jeff:" "Yeah,I hate phoning." "You never know who's gonna answer." "What was that?" "Oh, nothing." "But you do realize you're supposed to phone specific people, right?" "Yeah. but still,you know what it's like." "Sally: i thought i heard the phone." "It just sort of...chirped." "Chirped?" "You phone someone, someone you know or a woman, and you don't know what's going on." "A chirp, eh?" "There's nothing to analyze here, Sally." "Jeff:" "You're just suddenly in the middle of someone's house, anything could be happening." "There could be old people naked." "You wouldn't be able to see them!" "Yeah, but they could be out there, rustling." "but it could have been" "Who knows?" "Who cares?" "It was a chirp." "There's nothing you can tell from a chirp." "Of course i know that. good." "How long a chirp?" "Sally!" "Jeff:" "Jenny Turbot." "I'm sorry?" "Worst phone call I ever made." "Right." "If this chirp was an animal..." "I mean it!" "Jeff:" "It was my final year at school, and there she was,JENNY TURBOT." "It was like she'd come to life from one of my magazines, as if all the candles and the chanting had finally worked." "I'd never seen a woman that gorgeous fully dressed." "clothes looked wrong on her somehow as if she'd developed a fault." "You know, you could-- don't say it!" "Jeff:" "I fell completely in love with her... totally." "I knew she was the one." "Everyone else called her "The school bike,"" "Said she'd put out for absolutely anyone, and it wasn't just that." "And I got her phone number, right." "It took me ages,but i got it." "It was on a little scrap of paper," "The turbot's actual phone number." "That little scrap of paper gave me the best time of my life... a month of complete sexual bliss." "in the end, i had to phone her before it fell apart." "and she knew who i was!" "she remembered me.nobody ever remembered me." "but the turbot,she remembered." "and we were just chatting away,and it was easy." "and i just asked her out.i just did it." "an actual date." "it wouldn't hurt--yes, it would!" "so what went wrong?" "well, her ex suddenly turns up again, doesn't he?" "barry.barry the bastard." "before you know it, they're shagging away like maniacs." "i kept asking her out,obviously, i pleaded, but she was too busy with all the endless shagging." "so, in the end,i just had to hang up." "she was having sex with this guy while you were still on the phone?" "actually, i think the phone was involved." "oh, dear god!" "that was as close as i got to jenny turbot." "i was a sex aid for her and barry the bastard." "i counted it as half a point." "i got phoned during sex once." "can we please not hear about it." "it's a bit embarrassing,actually." "there i was, in the middle of serious, full-on sex, when my girlfriend phones." "bloody hell!" "that's very embarrassing!" "she kept going on and on about how i was ignoring her." "you don't think it was maybe because you were having sex with somebody else?" "no, no,i was having sex with her." "shit!" "what?" "sally, no!" "that way madness lies." "i didn't say anything that time." "you just thought it." "what's wrong?" "i connected." "when i phoned susan--for a moment, i connected." "shall we say it together?" "so?" "what do you mean, "so?"" "all five: 1471!" "what if she checks?" "she'll know it was me." "well?" "what if she's there?" "what if she's about to-- patrick, have you got your mobile?" "no." "jeff?" "why?" "so you know,one way or the other." "will you phone her?" "i don't want to phone her." "jeff, please!" "forget it!" "you don't have to talk to her." "i'm not talking to her." "you're the ones who've split up." "jeff!" "i don't talk to women when they're emotional." "they're allowed to slap you." "over the phone?" "well, she'll remember for next time." "women remember, steve." "it's like they've got minds of their own." "you don't have to talk to her." "you're gonna hang up the moment it rings." "it's just so that i'm not the last one who phoned when she 1471's." "it just seems like a really needy thing to do." "i don't do needy." "you're a woman." "needy is our golf." "oh!" "you see?" "it'll be me that phoned." "exactly." "susan: what does that mean?" "i don't know." "i didn't think it through." "okay, i'll do it." "good man!" "okay, i'll do it." "that's my girl!" "do you need the number?" "no, you still got it on redial." "( dialing number )" "( rings ) oh!" "oh!" "second chirp." "you have a second chirp." "second chirp on the radar." "we don't know it was him." "why else would your phone keep chirping?" "i don't know, maybe it's having a good day." "he's wanting to phone." "he's changing his mind." "next time, try and answer during the chirp." "do you know why i'm not gonna do this, sally?" "because i'm just not that desperate." "( knock on door ) hello?" "!" "steve, you've made a mistake." "have i really?" "i'll get that, shall i?" "it'll be your number on the phone-- you were supposed to use your mobile!" "because, actually, that was the door, not the phone." "yes, sally, i know." "so i'll get it, shall i?" "ah...right!" "i'll just go over..." "here and get it." "because this is where the door is as opposed to the telephone, do you see?" "sally!" "i don't have my mobile with me." "using my phone was not the second best option." "jane: hi, hi." "what's happening?" "has steve phoned yet?" "sally: well... no phone calls, just the occasional chirp." "how long a chirp?" "well, for god's sake!" "i brought you books." "you might want to send one to steve." "bridge across destiny." "isn't it great?" "it's like a manual for living that proves men are wrong." "no offense, but do you know that your voice actually makes me grind my teeth?" "none taken." "50 ways to make him your soul mate." "oh, this one's fabulous." "it's like the citizen's arrest of romance." "can you hear them, jane, grinding away?" "do you know, i think i can." "patrick: why don't you phone her back and withhold your number?" "yeah, that'd work." "susan: come on, jane, let's get you a drink." "i mean, it's not that i don't like you or anything, it's just that i'm developing extra muscles in my jaw." "we'll leave susan to do whatever she feels she has to." "how would i withhold my number?" "you've never withheld your number?" "why would i?" "oh, you know... purposes." "exactly." "okay. how do i do it, then?" "141." "brilliant." "when do i do the 141?" "jeff: first." "( telephone rings ) oh!" "incoming!" "jane:" "i'm excited, too!" "okay, i don't know what he's playing at, but i'm just not joining in." "first?" "first, yeah." "sally: don't you want to at least-- no, i don't!" "look, just to set your mind at rest... 1471." "susan: how do i delete the number?" "three." "oh, no, that's the messages." "three calls the number." "( telephone rings ) men: aah!" "bollocks!" "jeff:" "they're on to us!" "bollocks, bollocks, bollocks!" "they know exactly where we are!" "he'll know it was me!" "he'll 1471!" "jeff, she's my girlfriend." "she already knows where i live." "ex-girlfriend." "and which part of your brain thought that that would be a good thing to say?" "jane: okay, i've got a plan to get us out of this." "sally and i just go." "how does that help me?" "it doesn't. i had to leave you out of the plan." "oh, thanks!" "oh, great!" "come on." "wait!" "sally: what?" "where are we going?" "steve: i'm a man who's been dumped, you know where we're going." "susan:" "i'm coming with you." "sally:" "what if he phones?" "i don't care if he phones." "come on, let's go." "hang on." "susan:" "what are you doing?" "just checking your answerphone's on." "jane: oh, yeah." "susan: jane?" "just checking you hung up properly." "oh!" "oh!" "oh." "let's just risk it." "okay." "it's like checking your fridge light really goes off, isn't it?" "yeah, i expect so." "there's a whole night of my life i want back." "patrick:" "so where are we going?" "steve: the temple of woman." "sally: so where are we going?" "susan: the temple of woman." "( dance music playing )" "do you think this is the sort of place that degrades women?" "we could ask." "i'm sure someone else has been using my neck." "your neck's fine." "this is terrifying!" "terrifying?" "i think it's started to make noises when i move it." "do you think i have an audible neck?" "lap dancing is the ultimate nightmare of man." "i mean...it's porn that can see you." "excellent." "when i was a kid i used to imagine that the girls in my magazines could see me." "they were shouting, "pervert, pervert!"" "yeah?" "yeah. but you get bored of that." "some people think that external beauty comes from inner tranquility." "of course, some people think it comes from drinking the blood of virgins, so there's quite a range there." "you know what my neck needs?" "to be left alone." "you've already got enough products on you to make a spare woman." "if anti-aging cream actually worked, you'd be back in puberty." "so why are we here, then?" "i'm single, i need to look at naked women." "if that's what you think, then why are we here?" "i'm single." "i need to look good naked." "steve!" "what, what's the matter?" "it's her!" "what?" "the turbot." "jenny turbot." "hello, boys." "hi." "hello." "hello." "so would you like a dance?" "oh, i'm not a very good dancer." "i think the idea is i do the dancing." "oh, right." "that's probably better." "probably, yes." "so do you guys want to sit down?" "jenny?" "yes." "it's me!" "i'm sorry?" "jeff. jeff murdock." "we were at school together." "oh, my god!" "scary jeff?" "you see?" "she remembers me!" "the turbot remembers me!" "well done." "scary." "this is steve and this is patrick." "so what are you guys doing here?" "oh, we come here strictly for the articles." "this is amazing!" "i can't believe it's you!" "do you remember that time you called me up?" "that was wild." "yeah, i was just telling the boys about it." "the only time a guy's ever phoned me." "oh, i'm sure that's not true." "no, jeff, the only time a guy's ever... phoned me." "s-s-s-so what are you doing these days?" "i dance naked for men." "right!" "great!" "nice!" "my mother says it's one step from prostitution." "well, you're practically there, then." "well, no, i mean, um... do you guys want to come and sit down?" "great, thanks." "so do you ever see anyone from school?" "well, the teachers, obviously." "so what do you want done, then?" "oh, her eyes." "i was talking to susan, actually." "what's wrong with my eyes?" "nothing." "they're lovely eyes." "it's just sometimes you look like you've been possessed by aliens." "do you have anything for that?" "okay, there's that voice again." "susan... can you hear them grinding, jane?" "just talk and watch my neck inflate." "okay." "oh, for christ's sake." "do you want to talk about it?" "no, sally, i want to scream about it." "there's a subtle, yet important, distinction." "susan." "jane, one of these days, you're gonna start a sentence to me, and my teeth will just explode." "people will die in the blast." "well... that's very pressuring, actually." "okay, you know what's really getting me mad?" "my boyfriend, my fiance, the man who, against all my better judgment, i actually love, chatted up a woman in a bar." "and, on the very same day, the very same day, i chatted up a man." "do you see?" "do you get it?" "i'm equally at fault." "how can i ever forgive him for that?" "well, of course, i'm not going to forgive him because, because men--and i don't mean to generalize-- are crap!" "they're the human race's only failed gender." "who needs them?" "and why are they so difficult to keep hold of?" "do you think they realize that were it not for the genetic imperative to populate the earth, they wouldn't get a date?" "that's one hell of an inducement-- no pressure, girls, but shag one of these or it's curtains for all human kind." "that's harassment." "but, you know what?" "do you know what's even more crap than men?" "we are more crap than men." "all those stupid books you guys had and, and these magazines." "a hundred pages of "men are useless bastards"" "and an article about why you should wake him up with a blow job." "am i alone in spotting the inconsistency here?" "and these places... because, for god's sake, don't let them see what we really look like." "just let them enjoy the results." "don't let them see how it all happens." "you know, i went out with steve for six years and... no, you didn't." "you went out with him for four years, i checked." "oh. well, it seemed longer." "yeah, yeah, of course it seemed longer." "i, myself, have been going out with him since the 12th century or possibly since last week, it's hard to keep track." "because how are you supposed to measure time with the man you want to spend the rest of your life with?" "what would make sense?" "centuries?" "nanoseconds?" "eggs." "( laughing and shouting )" "( glass shattering )" "( buzzing lips )" "( belches ) shh!" "ooh!" "all right, mate?" "naked women." "yeah, fine." "we'd better, um, uh... go." "jeff: naked women, naked, naked women, naked, naked women, naked women, naked." "see you." "naked." "answerphone: hi, it's susan, leave a message." "you have one new message." "( beep )" "( drunkenly ) i love you." "i'm really sorry, and i really..." "love you." "and, also, i'm sorry." "and, also, i-i-i love you." "oh, please come back to me." "( sighs ) if you don't come back to me, please, never play me this tape." "( groans ) oh, well... why not, i suppose." "sorry, mate." "got a bit lost." "we've been in the kitchen." "naked women." "mind if we crash here?" "whatever." "( kissing noises )" "( moans )" "( moaning )" "( telephone rings )" "( rings )" "( rings )" "( rings ) hi, this is steve, leave a message." "hi, steve, it's jane." "aah!" "i'm sorry." "i'll be fine." "it's jane's voice." "doesn't it set your teeth on edge?" "it will now." "* if you can't make your mind up * * we'll never * * get started *" "* and i don't want to wind up * * being parted, broken-hearted * * so, if you really love me * * say yes * * and please don't tell me * * perhaps, perhaps, perhaps *"