"Are you kidding?" ""I was here first"?" "Get lost!" "We were here first." "But we're scheduled for this time on this field." "Okay, this is no way for adults to act in front of children." "You're not only coaches, you're also role models." "I would hardly call what he does coaching." "Wow." "Excellent role modeling." "Apparently, the girls' team does not have a field assigned to them for practice, but the boys' team does." "No." "Not on my watch." "Every child has the right to play, no matter how boring the sport." "Okay." "Could you just share the field with the girls today, please?" "I'm the girls' coach." "She's the boys' coach." "Oh." "Okay." "Sorry." "That's sexist." " No, it's not." " Yeah." "It kind of is." "Okay, why don't the boys take the field today." "And then I will make sure that the girls get a place to practice by the end of the week." "And that, little lady, is a Leslie Knope promise!" "I'm a boy." "Good." "Yeah." "'Cause I wasn't talking to you." "I was talking to you." "You're a girl, right?" "Yeah." "Yeah." "She." "Mail's here." " Hey." " Now what?" "Jerry!" "You got soup all over our mail!" "You jerk." "Oh, my God." "It's an envelope from the IOW Awards Office!" "Nobody freak out!" "Do you know what this means?" "I am Pawnee's Woman of the Year!" "The IOW is the Indiana Organization of Women." "I have been a dues-paying member since I was nine." "And every year, they choose one woman to win the Dorothy Everton Smythe Female Empowerment Award." "Winning is every girl's dream." "But it's my destiny." "And my dream." "Can you read it, please?" "Where are my ladies at?" "Here we go." "The I.O.W. Is proud to announce this year's" ""Dorothy Everton Smythe" "Female Empowerment Award Winner:" "Ronald Swanson."" "Ha-ha." "Okay, pretty funny." " It says Ronald Swanson." " What?" "No, no." "No, it doesn't." "I... that... no." "That... what?" "They only honor women." "And Ron's the opposite of a woman." "What's going on?" "You're Pawnee's Woman of the Year, it looks like." "Well, it's about time." "No, no, no." "They've obviously made some sort of mistake." "Bully for me!" "Congratulations, Ron." " Yeah, congratulations." " Congrats." " It's very exciting." " That's awesome." "Awards are stupid, which is why I fully intend to decline this nonsense, and recommend it go to Leslie because she works really hard, and I don't." "However, she cares way too much about crap like this, which is why I can't pass up this opportunity to tease her about it." "Well, we can't stand around all day congratulating me on receiving an award from some lousy women's organization." "Back to work, everyone." "Hey, Freddy." "Good news!" "Your liquor license renewal got got, yo." "What do you mean by that?" "I got you temporary approval from the liquor board pending full-board authorization and council review." "Got got." "Thank you." "Thank you so much." "No worries." "You know the Snakehole's my favorite Pawnee hot spot." "I want to open up my own club one day." "Maybe call it something like Club-a-Dub-Dub or The Clubmarine, sort of a submarine-themed club." "Or Tom's Bistro." "The word "bistro" is classy as (shit)." "Tom, we are looking for a few top-quality guys like yourself to become part-owners." "A guy like you, with your political connections," "I think you'd make a great asset." "I agree." "That's why I got into public service." "To help me." "All right. $10,000 a share." "I need the money by Friday." "$10,000." "That's chump change." "I will see you Friday with $10,000." "All right, partner." "I just don't get why the IOW would give that award to Ron." "Yeah, it's a bummer." "One, he's not a woman." "And two, they mentioned the Camp Athena project in that letter." "That's my project." "I started that." "It was my brainchild." "Why would Ron start a camp for troubled girls?" " He wouldn't?" " Exactly." "I deserve that award." "That award is mine." "Not his." "It's mine." "You know what you should do?" "I know, I already started a list." ""Write an e-mail to Barack Obama." ""Lock myself in my office and scream until I lose my voice."" "That's all I have so far." "I was gonna suggest maybe you just go and talk to him." "You're only gonna get more resentful if you don't." "Hmm." "Hey, Ann." "How..." "Ann." "I have so much I need to tell you right now." "Hey, Ann." "Leslie would like to talk to you for a moment." "Is that all right?" "Good." "Jean-Ralphio." "Big T!" "What it do, nephew?" "Jean-Ralphio, I have a hot investment opportunity that you are gonna wanna jump all over." "Hit me with it, daddy." "The Snakehole Lounge..." "Heard of it." "Is looking for investors." "No way." "Yesterday, if you would have asked me," "I would've said no, but thank God, my grandfather just died, so I am a- flush with cash!" "Awesome." "I have 4,000 bucks." "All I need you to do is kick in six G's." " Six G's." " And then you and I are part-owners of the hottest nightclub in Pawnee." "Also, sorry about your grandpa." "No worries." "He was a dick." "Here's the thing." "I can kick in five G's." "That should be enough, right?" "No, it's not enough." "I just said I need six G's." "What about your trust fund?" "My parents had it amended." "I don't get anything until I'm 50, which is a waste, 'cause I'm gonna be a billionaire in Costa Rica by then, eating dolphins and hanging out with lady singers." "It's not a huge deal." "Just sit tight." "I'll take care of it." "You wanna come home with me?" "Don't you work at Lady Foot Locker?" "Look, if you're not gonna pay rent, at least clean up your dishes." "Is that all?" "No." "Also, The Bag of Smells was a fun experiment, but it has to stop." "Come on!" "No." "We're finally starting to get serious results." "Andy, dude, I love you, but shape up or move out." " What's going on?" " The guitarist from my band is driving me crazy." "He's such a control freak." ""That's not a working fireplace, Andy."" ""Stop writing phone messages on the wall, Andy."" ""Dude, seriously, I love you" ""but stop digging that weird hole in the backyard."" "Is Mouse Rat gonna break up?" "Well, we're not Mouse Rat anymore." "We changed it to Tackleshaft." "Oh." "I should just get my own place." "You should." "I'll help you." "You can help me?" "Yeah, that'd be fun." "April, you're like an angel with no wings." "So, like, a person?" "Hey." "What's in the envelope?" "Nothing." "You wanted to see me?" "I think the Pawnee Chapter of the IOW has made a little mistake." "Really?" "You're saying a women's organization made a mistake?" "I was as surprised as you were." "But the fact is, they only give that award to women." "Hmm." "Well, it definitely said Ron Swanson in the letter." "Yeah, but it also mentioned my camp project." "Yes." "Camp Xena." "Athena." "Camp Athena." "You don't even know the name." "I almost got it." "I was pretty close." "No." "Look, Leslie, your job, which you're great at, is making me look good." "Which you've clearly done well because I'm getting an award." "Right?" " Yeah." " Be proud of yourself." "You deserve an award." "Not this one, obviously, this one belongs to me, but some other one." "Some other lesser award." "And if the shoe were on the other foot and you won the award," "I would've congratulated you." " Congratulations, Ron." " What's that?" "You heard me." "You promised the girls a field by the end of this week." "Well, it's a man's world, Winston." "Get used to it." "I'm a man." "You know who you should talk to?" "Ron Swanson." "He's an award-winning public servant." "He's the guy that's gonna help you out." "Go on in there." "Excuse me?" "Ron, someone's coming in." "Hi." "Leslie said I should come over here." "If you don't get credit for your work, why bother doing it?" "Because I love it!" "But I'm going to make a point!" "This VIP card gives you exclusive access to the investment opportunity of a lifetime." "Where?" "Multipurpose Room F. When?" "3:00 p.m." "Dress code?" "Black tie optional." "Just like life." "Hey, you wanted to see me?" "Yes, yes." "Just hang on one second." "I'm doing my official portrait for the IUD Awards Dinner Program." "IOW." "No, this portrait is not official in any way." "I'm paying for it myself." "Did you need me?" "Because some of us actually do work around here." "Work that often goes unrewarded." "I need your opinion." "Which of these objects most represents women for this portrait?" "A pot?" "Or this Deputy Director Barbie?" "Isn't it adorable?" "She's got a little briefcase, her cell phone." ""I'm going to help my boss win an award."" "How's the scheduling conflict with the soccer teams going?" "Take care of that, did you?" "Nope." "Passed the buck to Donna." "That's not really the attitude I'd expect from an award winner." "Everything I do is the attitude of an award winner because I've won an award." "So, what kind of place are you looking for?" "I can afford, like, 300 bucks a month." "I've always wanted a doorman named Ernie." "That'd be awesome." "Or Kipp." "I'm pretty flexible on that." "Here's a great one." "It's a Tudor mansion." "It's got seven rooms, four bathrooms." "It's got a tennis court, a pool and a three-car garage." "What?" "And it's only $20,000 a month." "And it's in Chicago." "Ah!" "That close!" "It was almost perfect." "Actually, there are a couple of cool places in here." " Let's go look at them!" " Now?" " Let's roll." " Okay." "Thank you all so much for joining me today." "I have two questions for you." "One, are you ready for the investment opportunity of a lifetime?" "And two, do any of you have pacemakers or a history of epilepsy?" " Yes, both." " Anybody?" "No?" " Both." " All right." "Ladies!" "Jay-Z." "Rihanna." "Audrina Patridge." "Jon Gosselin." "Lady Gaga." "Snooki." "Are these real people?" "Cash Warren and Dennis Rodman." "These are just a few of the celebrities that wish they could invest in Pawnee's hottest club." "But they can't." "And you can." "For the small price of only one, one, one, thousand, thousand, thousand dollars, dollars, dollars!" "The only question is, who's gonna be my partner?" "Mark, I'm talking to you!" "Donna, I'm talking to you!" "Jerry!" "I'm talking to you!" "Mark!" "I'm talking to you!" "Twenty-six certificates, plaques, ribbons, trophies, medals and miscellany certifying that I am the kind of person who deserves recognition for her achievements." "What do you have, Ron?" "I have the Dorothy Every Time Smurf Girl Trophy for excellence in female stuff." "Dorothy Everton Smythe." "I swear to God, I would..." "Leslie." "Before you continue, please read this." "Another organization giving you credit for something you didn't do?" ""I, Ron Swanson, recognize that" ""Leslie Knope should have received the IOW Award" ""for all the hard work she has done," ""especially for the Camp Athena project." ""However, in my opinion," ""she is far too concerned with institutional gratification."" "No, I'm not." ""So, I am going to let her dangle" ""in order to show her that awards are bull crap."" "Come on, Leslie, you know I'm not sexist." "I love powerful women." "You do attend a shocking number of WNBA games." "I'm just saying that awards are political, and everybody has an agenda." "If you spend your life chasing them, you'll drive yourself nuts." "Yeah, all right." "But Dorothy Everton Smythe was a trailblazing feminist." "She was the first woman in Pawnee to wear pants on a Sunday." "She spent four years in jail for that." "I know I'm not supposed to care about these things, but this one means a lot." "I know you've been changing" "The acoustics in the bathroom are insane." "So, how much is this one again?" "This one is $425 a month, plus utilities." "I like it." "It seems to have a lot of potential and a lot of "advantages," per se." "I could definitely picture myself doing something over there." "Can you hear that?" "What is that?" "It's still on." "You can light a match to get rid of that smell." "I feel really good about this." "Really?" "It screams Andy Dwyer." "And I live nearby." "So, we could, like, carpool to work or something." " Are you serious?" " Yeah." "The scream just got louder." "So, what do you think?" "I don't know." "Make me an offer." "Okay." "First come, first served." "Who's in?" "Jerry?" "Jeez, Tom, if I spend any more than 25 bucks, I gotta ask my wife." "Jerry, get out." "Okay." ""Mark?" "What are we doing tonight?"" ""I don't know, Ann." ""We could do the usual boring stuff like eat some chicken salad" ""with some crackers, or watch the pay-per-view," ""or we could go to my nightclub and do some dancing."" "I don't think so, man." "You'd never have to beg for sex again." "I don't wanna get into this, really, but I don't beg for sex now." "Forget about that, Mark." "Are you in or out?" "It's just not really my thing." "Bye, Mark." "Cindi." "Donna?" "Maybe." "I like The Snakehole." "Plus, I would look good pulling into my owner's parking space in my Mercedes." "Just to be clear, you wouldn't be an owner, per se." "You, me and my boy, Jean-Ralphio, would each own part of a share." "Will that be cash or check?" "Not so fast." "I like to know who I'm in business with." "I want to meet your boy." "In here." "This lady's here." "Hi, I'm Elise Yarktin, I'm with the IOW." "I'm Woman of the Year, Ron Swanson." "Yes, I know." "We are very excited to be presenting you with the Smythe Award." "That's what I called you to talk about." "I don't know if I can take all of the excitement." "So, I think the award should go to Miss Knope, here." "Hello." "She's the one who really deserves it." "Camp Athena was her idea." "She did all the work." "You made a mistake." "We didn't make a mistake." "We made a very conscious decision this year to choose a man." "Why?" "Well, every year, we give it to a woman, and, frankly, nobody cares." "Yeah, the media has all but written us off as a niche interest group." "But if you give a women's award to a mustachioed, masculine man, such as yourself, well, then, eventually, people take notice." "I don't want the damn thing." "Well, we're giving it to you." "So, you're gonna take it, like a man." "So congratulations." "The IOW is a bunch of sexist jerks who need to get back in the kitchen where they belong, and leave the real feminist work to actual feminists like Ron Swanson!" "Oh, my God!" "What is happening?" "Now do you see how silly these things are?" "Unbelievable." "Obviously, I'm just gonna decline it." "No, I want you to accept it." "I want you to go to the podium and talk about how stupid awards are." "And how they are superficial and meaningless." "I want you to rip awards a new a-hole!" "Now we're talking." "I tell you what." "You write the speech." "Don't pull your punches." "I won't." "I'm gonna push my punches as far as my fists can extend!" "Attagirl." "Kind of." "What up, Big T!" "Stop." "This must be the lovely Donna." "Listen, beautiful, let's cut the bull, right?" "You want this." "I definitely want this." "T.H. wants this." "Let's seal this devil's three-way right here, right now." "Step one, we buy into this club." "Step two, we roll over to the club, either in your Mercedes Benz or my pre-owned Acura Legend." "Step three, I dagger you on the dance floor." "Just bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce" "Now, all the ladies say it Bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce" "What do you say, sexy?" "I'm out." " Why?" " I hate that guy." "Mr. Swanson." "Hi, welcome to the IOW Awards, and congratulations on winning." "Yay!" "Well, here is your awards packet, and if you will just follow me, we're gonna have a little meet-and-greet before the ceremony." " Okay." " Great." "No, I'm sorry." "This area is for award winners only." "Get over yourself, Elise." "Work on the speech." "Let's nail these women." " You know what I mean." " Yeah." "I don't know, Andy." "What's it all about?" "What's the secret?" "Yeah." "Why's it so hard to become a mogul?" "All I want in life is to own a nightclub on every continent, have my own line of upscale sweat suits, and a cologne called Tommy Fresh." "And I fell $1,000 short." "Seriously?" "That's all you needed?" "Tom, I have $1,000." "You can have it." "Thanks, Andy, but I can't take your money." "I'm a singerlsongwriter." "The two lines I've put into every song I've ever sang," ""Spread your wings and fly," and "You deserve to be a champion."" "If you're telling me that all you need is $1,000 to do your dreams, then I want you to have it." "Are you sure about this?" "Maybe." "You don't know how happy you just made me." "He's the Director of the Pawnee Parks and Recreation Department." "He is also the recipient of this year's" "Dorothy Everton Smythe Female Empowerment Award." "Please put your hands together for Mr. Ron Swanson." "Thank you." "Thank you." "Every award, from the smallest trophy to the Nobel Prize, is nothing more than..." "Is nothing more than a great way to honor someone." "So, I would like to present this year's Dottie English Whatever Award to the person who actually deserves it," "Leslie Knope." "Come on up here, Leslie." "Thank you." "I don't know what to say." "Honestly, I'm just very honored to work for someone as insightful and kind as my boss." "So, I would like to present this year's Dorothy Everton Smythe Award to Ron Swanson." "I don't want it." "Just take the damn thing." "You deserve it." " No, no." "Really." " No, Ron, you deserve it." " Really, but I don't want it." " But you won it." " And you should win it." " You should take it." " After that whole conversation..." " I'm being ridiculous." " You've done..." " Could someone please just take it?" "Okay, I'll take it." "Who do I speak to about getting this changed?" " Get off the stage!" " Yeah!" "I still think awards are stupid." "But they'd be less stupid if they went to the right people." "You gave Tom all your money?" "Yeah, well, I'm investing." "I'm like Warren Buffay." "I kind of feel like it would have been good for you to have your own place." "Yeah, I know." "But I feel like Tom really needed the money, and small sacrifice to see one of your best friends' dreams come true." "They cropped you out." "Figures." "So, where are you gonna put it?" "I have an idea." "One, two, three." "Two, three." "What's up?" "Hey, guys." "How long did you wait in line?" "I didn't wait at all!" "I'm a part-owner." "Freddy!" "I'm back." "Tom Haverford, part-owner." "Let me know if you need anything." "Keep this booth warm for me every night." "I'm gonna live in this booth." "Yes, sir." "Donna?" "What are you doing here?" "I bought three shares." "Thanks for the tip."