"Oh." "Hi, Mary." "You okay?" "Rough day, huh?" "Look, if it... if it helps, uh, you look really hot." "♪ Who can turn the world on with her smile ♪" "♪ Who can take a nothing day ♪" "♪ And suddenly make it all seem worthwhile ♪" "♪ Well it's you girl" "♪ And you should know it" "♪ With each glance and every little movement you show it ♪" "♪ Love is all around no need to fake it ♪" "♪ You can have the town why don't you take it ♪" "♪ You're gonna make it after all ♪" "♪ How will you make it on your own ♪" "♪ This world is awfully big" "♪ Girl this time" "♪ You are all alone" "♪ But it's time you started living ♪" "♪ It's time you let someone else do some giving ♪" "♪ Love is all around no need to fake it ♪" "♪ You can have the town why don't you take it ♪" "♪ You're gonna make it after all ♪" "♪ You're gonna make it af-- ♪" "How'd the job search go today?" "I only ask you because I have some wonderful news." "I'm gonna be joining you in that search myself tomorrow." "Hey, how old is this vermicelli, Primo?" "You know, you really should've come with me to that hot Vinyasa Yoga class this morning, because that scary teacher was back." "I am convinced that she sat in her car for 15 minutes prior to the class, holding a gun in her mouth, trying to get up the nerve to pull the trigger." "And then I think she thought:" "Fuck it, I'll wait till after lunch." "And then she chain-smoked three cigarettes and came in to teach us yoga in the most monotone, unenthused voice you can imagine." "I could tell she couldn't wait for the class to be over," ""When this is over," "I'm getting a double whiskey sour, and then I'm gonna taste that gun again."" "Sweated over a hot microwave for two and a half minutes." "Ah..." "Ugh." "Hmm." "That's disgusting." "Primo?" "So this was your husband?" "No, my..." "I mean, he was just a boyfriend." "Uh, can I, um" "Careful, those things are killers." "They're probably what killed him." "So you lived together?" "No." "I mean, yes." "He lived here with me and his dog, but just for six months." "I kinda wanted him to stick around till New Year's, 'cause that's a hard one to be alone." "Mm-hmm." "I hear that." "I mean, he caught me on the rebound and it never really went anywhere." "He couldn't get it together." "I had bigger expectations, of course, but it never really rallied past the first stage." "I liked him, but he was more of a temp boyfriend." "You probably don't need to know all this." "No, uh, a temp boyfriend?" "Go on." "Well... it's like I was between gigs." "Yeah, I've been there." "Right?" "And you were at work when the victim died?" "Yeah, well, I don't work there anymore." "I was fired today for being "late."" "Wow." "You are having a bad day." "Right?" "And, uh, what job was that?" "I was a temp." "Mm-hmm." "Officer Parker?" "Were there any yoga-teacher shootings today?" "Uh, not that I'm aware." "Shoot!" "Oh, hey, Paul." "Dead Caucasian watching TV." "Thanks, Parker." "Medical examiner." "Officer Parker." "Sorry, I just want to be sure this is the dead Caucasian you're talking about." "You know, right here, right in this general, uh, vicinity?" "Take it easy, Paul." "No, you take it easy, Parker!" "How many times do I have to tell you," "I do not need you to tell me where the dead body is when we're in an apartment the size of my bathroom!" "Hey!" "Officer Brady?" "Yeah?" "You want me to get you a soda, anything?" "No, thanks." "I'm cool." "Huh." "Okay." "Then get the fuck away from the dead body!" "Miss?" "Miss..." "McCrawley, Mary." "McCrawley, Mary." "Was the deceased sick in anyway?" "Nope." "On medication?" "Not that I knew of." "Do you dress him?" "Not today." "His shirt's on inside out." "Mm." "He was probably trying on a new style." "He had a lot of time on his hands." "When was the last time you had relations with the deceased?" "He wasn't deceased the last time we had relations." "Primo, that's your name?" "And that's all you do?" "You write poetry?" "Mm-hmm." "That's great." "So, what, do you have last name, Primo?" "Or is that like a one-name-poet kinda thing?" "Schultz?" "German-Jewish." "Mm-mm." "German-German." "Mm-hmm." "Jewish-Jewish." "Sorry." "My mother would drive her car off the George Washington Bridge if I brought home a German." "Seriously, I'm not kidding." "But it was very nice to meet you." "Mare!" "Here." "Oh, my God." "What?" "Greg's here." "Who's Greg?" "And he brought that little fuckin' whore, too." "I don't remember a Greg." "Yeah, you do." "Lazy eye, big dick?" "Oh, Greg." "That Greg, yeah." "Is he looking over this way?" "How can you tell?" "Alright, I have to go talk to him." "Zoe." "Mm." "I just want to talk to him, okay?" "Alright?" "Oh, and kinda cute German poet right behind me." "Come on, you need to meet him." "Come on." "Hey, Primo, honey." "Primo." "Achtung." "And that's how I met Primo Schultz." "A man who should've disappear into the forgotten wastelands of "Thanks for the drinks, here's my fake phone number."" "A man who drank grasshoppers, which, if I recall from my short stint working at the old folks' home, is pretty much the combination of crème de menthe and half-and-half." "And a man who, if I had had the time and ability to meet them all that night, would've come in seventeenth." "Hey, babe." "And yet, in the course of that first evening, the seventeenth man's tortured-poet routine and his world-weary artist shtick somehow seemed to turn from just plain unattractive to an oddly interesting, seen-it-all, done-it-all charm." "There was a distinct success to Primo's failure." ""No doctor can calm the pain." ""Not even soothing balm has been discovered" ""to relieve the inflamed affections of a brusquarily uncoupled lover."" "I was positive "brusquarily" wasn't a real word, but by the end of the evening, none of it mattered." "I was crashing and burning." "Primo was a man I was essentially drawn to because of the strange disdain I had for him." "Freud was right." "Desire lies on the other side of repugnance." "And then there was the kiss." "On that night alone six months ago in the Double Down Saloon," "Primo Schultz gave 110 % and was a great kisser." "Six months of sloth, selfishness and channel surfing would follow as I waited for one more perfect kiss." "But that was it." "His finest hour in the first few minutes." "It would never come again." "The terrific con of a typical man who left me with only one great evening." "Mary!" "I'll take that." "Mary, come here." "Take that." "Why do they keep the wine so far in the back of these things?" "Honey, that's easy." "To keep the freeloaders like us away." "Wait a second." "What happened?" "You sounded so crazy serious on the phone." "I had the worst date last night." "Super cute, but beyond dull." "I had to self-roofie myself with vodka shots just so I can fuck him." "Okay, tell me." "Guess what I have in common with 65 % of New York and 40 % of America." "Oh, this was in Cosmo, right?" "You're... you're unemployed." "Forty percent of America?" "That would be a Third World country." "Actually I am unemployed, so you get half a point." "But guess again." "You're severely depressed." "That's six percent of America." "You're illiterate and suffer voter apathy." "What, you never floss?" "I don't know." "I'm single." "You dumped Primo?" "Not exactly." "Primo dumped you?" "Sort of." "Hey, what kind of lipstick were you wearing the other day at Mars Bar?" "Uh, it was" "Righteous Raspberry." "Wait a second." "What happened?" "He died." "What?" "!" "Who?" "Primo." "Primo Schultz." "Do you want his dog?" "I'm allergic." "Excusez-moi." "Did I hear you mention the name Primo Schultz?" "Yeah." "Oh!" "What a beautiful man." "How is he?" "Less beautiful." "He was mon amour nearly 20 years ago." "Twenty years?" "Mm." "Did you go to prom together?" "We studied at Columbia, but we met abroad in Bologna for a semester." "Primo had a formal education?" "It must be a different Primo Schultz." "Well, he did drop out after a year, but" "Ah, well, that sounds like our boy." "He couldn't have been in Columbia in the '70s because" "Yeah, he's like 39 and a half." "Primo?" "I thought he was 37." "Non, c'est pas possible." "He has to be less than a year of 45." "Ooh, merde, I've got to run." "I've got two minutes to get the Koons at Mary Boone." "Oh!" "I rhymed." "When you see Primo, tell him his Helène forgives him, and I just opened up my own art gallery on Twenty-fourth and Eleventh Avenue, and I would love to show his work." "Hmm?" "D'accord?" "I never heard the word "work" associated with Primo." "I never heard there was an Eleventh Avenue." "♪ I..." "I've walked a thousand miles ♪" "♪ Yeah I've walked a thousand steps ♪" "♪ To be embraced by your lovin' arms ♪" "♪ To feel the shake of your loving bell ♪" "♪ Every step I take I take toward you ♪" "♪ You take one in the other way ♪" ""The Cumming Attractions by Primo Schultz."" "♪ What can I do" "♪ What can I say" "Oh, my God." "Oh, my God." "Ugh." "Hey!" "Hey, what are you thinking?" "Hello?" "What the hell is this?" "This is Primo's mother." "Hello, Mrs. Schultz." "I guess I must have the wrong number." "Hello?" "We spoke last night." "Oh, my God." "I can't believe this." "♪ Don't you know I love ya" "♪ Can't you see what this is all about ♪" "Ugh." "Mrs. Schultz." "Who is this?" "We spoke yesterday." "I told you about Primo." "My name is Mary." "I never heard of you." "I live with him." "Whatever." "He's going to be cremated, and I'd like you to come by to pick up the ashes here in New Rochelle." "Um, already?" "New Rochelle?" "Well, I thought it would be nice to have them scattered down there in that filthy city he loved so much." "Well, wouldn't you like to do that?" "I'm going to have the ashes on Monday, but, uh, I have to have some work done on my face, so would you please come at 11 a.m. sharp?" "Uh-- On Thursday the 23rd." "Eleven a.m., Thursday the 23rd." "Poor Primo." "So young, just like his poor father." "How young?" "Oh, God." "There." "Tomorrow we'll take a much longer walk to the doggy death camp." "One quick little shot and you'll never know what happened." "Hey, pick up the poop!" "It's not my poop!" "You're holding the fucking leash." "Okay." "This band sucks." "Just..." "I got it." "Joey." "You're actually walking a dog?" "It turns out if you don't walk him, he uses your living room as a urinal." "He's a she." "What?" "Your dog, it's a she." "Oh." "Oh, we have dinner tonight." "Right." "Um, I'm just gonna run up and change." "Ah." "Really?" "You got fired from your temp job?" "Excuse me, my boyfriend just died." "That doesn't strike you as a bigger news story?" "You never introduced me, so it's not like I have an emotional attachment." "Neither did I." "Can I get this out of your way?" "Can I get that in a body bag?" "Uh, a doggy bag?" "Thanks." "Joey Lucas and his credit card appeared in my life out of nowhere about a year ago." "Zoe and I had started a band a few months before when we got tired of hearing everyone else's sucky music." "We decided to create our own special brand of suck." "We actually weren't that bad, although Zoe began to take it a bit more seriously than I had ever intended." "We're Mommy's Little Whore!" "And our drummer was a total disaster." "Thank you!" "Good night." "So, of course, I had to date him." "Because he wasn't just a bad drummer." "Hey, you looked really hot tonight." "He was a real firestorm of stimulating conversation." "Mary?" "Mary?" "Little Mary McCrawley?" "Uh... thanks for the compliment." "Do I know you?" "I'm Joey Lucas from Hoboken, New Jersey." "Um, I was your old neighbor." "Friend of your parents?" "Uh-huh." "The last time I had seen Joey Lucas of Hoboken, New Jersey, was the day he left forever." "This was a historic pattern in Hoboken, and Joey Lucas, like Frank Sinatra before him, joined a long list of Hobokians who left and never returned." "My own father was on that list." "He left my mother and me when I was a year old, and he never returned." "My mother, on the other hand, never went anywhere else." "Remember?" "Oh, it doesn't matter." "Anyway... two days ago, I see your name on a flyer, and I think, you know, it can't be." "I mean, what are the odds?" "So..." "I just thought I'd come by and see the band and you, and, uh..." "You... you were awesome." "Yeah, yeah." "That's right." "I remember." "I totally saw you, dude." "I thought you were like a manager or..." "Huh." "...somethin'." "Um..." "Oh, listen." "Wait a minute." "I had..." "Yes." "I..." "That's my card, if you ever want to, uh, you know, have dinner or... catch up." "Sounds great." "I'll call you tomorrow." "I know a really nice place." "It's on First and Third." "Now?" "Great." "I mean, it looks nice, but I've never been actually in it." "Bye." "Mm-hmm." "And that's where we're going?" "It's probably really expensive." "Happily, that evening turned into a glorious bimonthly tradition of free food and drink, which I'm proud to say continues today." "So are you gonna start looking for a new job?" "I guess." "Unfortunately, I donated my pumps as part of an art installation before Primo died." "It's hard to explain." "You need a roommate?" "Are you offering?" "I just, um..." "I work in this collection agency, so, you know, I know a lot of people who can't pay their bills, and they're always looking for a place to live." "That sounds great." "Why don't you send one of those losers my way?" "Alright, never mind." "Bad idea." "Okay." "No, it's okay, thanks." "I put an ad in The Voice..." "Do you want to come up?" "That's right, um, you... you write for them sometimes, right?" "Well, sometimes is strong." "I mean, they rarely call, but that's okay, 'cause I decided to write a novel about a homeless, barefoot ex-temp living off the fat of the land." "Okay, tell me the truth." "Did you look up my name at your collection agency?" "Don't lie." "No comment." "Oh, my God." "I have the worst credit, don't I?" "Not the worst... technically." "Oh." "Oh, my God." "No." "It's really not that bad." "Plus, uh, you..." "you play the bass, and you paint and you write songs." "A girl like you, you got a lot of options." "All of which pay me handsomely." "No, no, you're lucky." "I never..." "I don't know," "I never had any creative talent." "I'm sure you have something." "No, I don't." "I swear." "I've always been like a..." "a numbers guy." "Pretty boring." "I don't think you're boring." "Oh, I gotta go." "Uh, I have an early morning." "Mwah." "See ya." "She is such a drama queen." "And she looks at me like I'm supposed to feel sorry for her." "That's when I said to her," ""Annie, I don't know what you're doing." "You've got your head up your ass." "Nobody cares if you're a goddamn diabetic."" "Ma." "Mary?" "I just got home." "Who is Annie?" "Oh, this little 10-year-old who lives next door." "Where have you been?" "It's late." "Um, well, Primo died, and I just had dinner with Joey Lucas." "You're still having dinners with Joey Lucas?" "Uh, yeah." "Are you sleeping with him?" "No, I have a boyfriend." "I mean, I had a boyfriend." "Anyway, no, we just have dinner." "Liar." "Why do you think I sleep with every guy who's even remotely nice to me?" "Because you do, honey." "He's, like, 60." "Don't be ridiculous." "Joey Lucas can't even be 55 yet." "Mm." "And, frankly, have you looked in the mirror lately?" "You're not getting any younger." "Thanks, Ma." "What?" "Do you want me to start sugar-coating everything I say all of a sudden?" "No, because that would be really sweet and nurturing, and that would really confuse me." "Exactly." "I always liked Joey Lucas." "Please don't do anything awful to him." "Who did you say died, honey?" "Spike!" "Hi, girl." "How are you?" "Mwah." "You know him?" "Her?" "She's a client." "I walk her sometimes when Primo's busy." "When was Primo busy?" "Are you working for him now?" "Working for him?" "Are you his new dog-walker?" "Oh, God, no." "I mean, it's cool." "I..." "No, I can assure you I'm not a dog-walker." "I'm not even a dog-liker." "Oh." "Here, babe." "Go on, babe." "Where is Primo?" "He's dead." "What?" "He died a few days ago." "Oh... no." "Primo." "Man, no." "Man, yes." "Would you like his dog?" "No, I can't." "I have four already." "Oh, my God." "How'd his girlfriend take it?" "I'm sorry?" "What was her name?" "Uh, she was with him the last time I saw him." "I think it was his girlfriend." "Why do you think that?" "They were making out." "Well, that's usually a giveaway." "Josie." "That's it." "No, was that it?" "No, that's not it." "When was this?" "I'm so bad with names." "When did this-- Someone once told me that when you're being introduced to someone, you listen to your own name instead of the one being said to you, because we're all just egomaniacs and consequently bad listeners." "I don't really know if that's true or not." "Tell me something." "Are you listening to me right now?" "Uh-huh." "When was this Primo-Josie make out session?" "When did it occur?" "Couple weeks ago." "Yeah." "God, I can't believe Primo's dead." "Primo, the man who... met everyone and did everything." "That's for sure." "Nice meeting you." "Hi." "Your place sounds amazing!" "I'm 23, studying to be a model" "Hi, my name's Rhonda." "I'm calling about the ad for a roommate." "I'm a non-smoker" "Hey, how you doin'?" "Saw your ad." "My name's Freddy." "I'm a lawyer, 5' 10", 155 pounds." "Eight inches uncut" "Jesus Christ." "Ah." "Quelle coïncidence." "I'm sorry?" "This is Marius Magdalin, a protégé of Primo's." "I" " I" " I just brought it out of the basement after speaking to you." "Primo had a protégé?" "Did you bring him along?" "Oh, God, no." "See, here's the thing." "He's dead." "Primo est mort?" "Quand?" "A few days ago." "God, my high-school French is really paying off." "Vous aimez un chat?" "Oh, no, wait, that's cat." "Dog is chien." "Would you like a chien?" "How did he die?" "Bad heart." "How true." "Were you his lover?" "He lived with me." "Ça doit être catastrophique pour toi." "Well, I wouldn't say it was catastrophic." "What a loss." "Just thinking about him, uh, brings me back to the time that this town was full of $300 apartments and all the galleries were full of Primo's work." "I know he did some writing, but I don't remember anything about painting." "Oh, he was a gifted artist." "Some say a genius." "Genius?" "Where is it now?" "Je ne sais pas." "What a crazy, fascinating man." "I'm sure you've heard the story millions of times about when Primo finally defecated, after seven days, and Rauschenberg made that bronze sculpture out of it." "Oh, to this day, it still brings me joy." "Robert Rauschenberg, the artist?" "Mm." "See, while Primo was working at Warhol's Factory," "Andy came up with an idea, and it was a good one." "It sold last year at Christie's for 120,000." "Mon Dieu..." "I loved that man." "And then he left me that New Year's Eve for that..." "little 17-year-old Asian trollop." "Tu devriez lui parler." "I'm sorry, I don't understand." "You should call her." "Her name is Sue Watt." "She and Primo were married for a while." "Married?" "Mm." "Last I heard, she was making these little films and stripping downtown." "Keep your eyes peeled for Asian strippers." "Gotcha." "Zoe?" "Frankie?" "Get the fuck up here." "Oh, my God." "Zoe." "What?" "I can see Asian strippers better from the stage anyway." "Asian stripper, twelve o'clock." "Twelve o'clock." "Hi!" "Hey, sweetheart." "You want a lap dance?" "Uh, no, thank you." "Are you Sue Watt?" "Sue Watt?" "!" "Fuck off!" "Did you say Sue Watt?" "She wasn't very popular." "Do you know her?" "I knew her." "She hasn't stripped in years." "Not since she had the kid." "The kid?" "Yeah." ""Boo-hoo, I can't strip." "I have a kid."" "Please, I got three kids." "Still stripping'." "Good for you." "I know, right?" "Your friend would make a good stripper." "Yeah, or even a hooker." "Do you know how I can get a hold of her?" "Sue?" "I..." "Oh, you know who you should talk to?" "Miss Vicki." "Miss Vicki?" "Yeah." "She and Ted have a show over at the Lava Lamp." "It's probably still goin' on now." "Thanks." "Oh, yeah, sure." "Hey, and if you find Sue, can you tell her" "Minnie said she was a real cunt sandwich?" "Got it." "♪ Give me horseback rides and you can feed me hay ♪" "♪ I want to crank Liberace and dance all day ♪" "♪ Burn the spaghetti and throw around confetti ♪" "♪ Give me a dozen of those" "♪ Give me a case of these" "♪ Oh where are my manners" "♪ I forgot to say please" "♪ Say please" "♪ Well say please" "♪ Say please..." "Oh, if I could love, I'd love you all." "That was her number last time I talked to her." "She's in a band, so she may be out of town." "Beautiful Cock." "Excuse me?" "Sue's band." "Oh." "So you knew Primo?" "Oh, while he dated Sue, I was a parallel lover." "Of course you were." "Wait, wait, wait." "What does that mean?" "It means he cheated on her with-- With him?" "I am right here in front of you, bitch." "Sorry." "You have to understand." "It was the early '80s, and we were all out, just trying to grab the big brass cock ring." "That was Primo's expression." "I doubt it." "Sue didn't have the kid back then." "We were all just out tryin' to discover ourselves through our sexuality until that crazy AIDS came along and scared the bejesus out of us." "Now all anyone fears is this ridiculous Y2K business." "Kids nowadays are just chomping at the bit for a little excitement, a little tragedy, a little something to survive." "Mm." "But we were the real survivors." "Those little fuckers." "Now look at us, all wrapped up in latex, both literally and emotionally, which Teddy here enjoys, but, mmm, what about the rest?" "So is Primo the father?" "You'd have to ask Sue." "She was already juggling two men when Primo bounced back into her life." "A chance encounter at an AA meeting, a little sake during dinner, and - pfft - out pops baby Herman." "Herman?" "AA?" "If Ted and I have learned anything in all our years, it's to not have a cocktail within 24 hours of your AA meeting." "But Primo was one of the real free radicals." "He was really... mm." "An asshole." "You know what?" "I can accept that." "But also an intuitive artist." "I still have some of the videos he made with Sue." "I scored them with music from A Chorus Line." "I think Primo would've loved the irony." "He made films?" "He mostly choreographed." "Was it a heroic death?" "He was watching TV." "That's how Ted's mother died." "Hello?" "Did you... did you just call me and hang up?" "It's fucking two in the morning." "Wow." "You said you wanted to borrow money." "I do, but I thought you'd write me a check or something." "No, this is easier." "Uh..." "Alright." "Thanks for the late-night speedy service." "I promise I'll pay it all back, I swear." "Don't worry about it." "Hello?" "I said put your jacket on, Herman." "Hello?" "Who is it?" "!" "Hi." "Hi." "Come in." "I guess you, uh, saw my flyer." "Yeah, thanks for coming over." "Do you want to get that?" "I can wait." "No, thanks." "I don't know who the fuck you are, but I'm gettin' pretty fucking sick of it." "One more fucking time, and I'm calling the fucking police, asshole!" "Thanks." "Sure." "You a writer?" "Sometimes." "Really?" "I'm a..." "I'm a reader." "That's nice." "Nah." "No, I'm... uh, I mean, I do part-time work for Scholastic, the publishing house." "I read manuscripts and short-story submissions." "Really?" "Do they need anybody else?" "I don't think so, but, uh..." "Oh!" "Oh, it's too bad." "There's a... a short-story competition going on right now." "The winner gets $5,000 and... and tons of press." "Well, why is that too bad?" "Well, the deadline's in six days." "Wednesday, the 29th." "Well, I can make that." "I have a lot of stuff I've been working on." "It's just a short story, right?" "Yeah." "Well, um, definitely, if you could get me in." "Or have you read any of the other ones?" "Yeah, and..." "they all suck." "Trust me." "Really?" "Hmm." "Oh, shit." "Wednesday is the 29th, today's the 23rd," "I have to be in New Rochelle in, like, 45 minutes." "Oh, well, you should be fine." "It's the opposite commute." "Well, I don't have a car." "Well, that... will definitely take a little longer." "Jesus." "So this Sue Watt was a stripper when Primo was married to her?" "I'm not sure." "Howard, how do you own a car on a part-time-reader and dog-walker salary?" "Oh, well, it wasn't very expensive." "So the Helène woman, the French one, he dated her... in college?" "Right." "So then who's Josie?" "I don't know." "You're the one that brought up Josie." "She's the make-out queen of the dog run." "Do you sell drugs?" "No." "No, I-I'm currently investing in an online dating website with a few friends." "It doesn't really pay yet." "You know, it's kind of a slow process." "So, wait, when did he date the drag queen, then?" "Late '80s." "Late '80s." "You think people are really gonna wanna date off of the Internet?" "I mean, that sounds extra-creepy." "Oh, yeah, definitely." "And make friends on it, as well." "Ugh." "That's even more pathetic." "But that said, Howard, I am an occasional professional writer, so if you ever need any help..." "Mary McCrawley." "That's it." "You..." "I read your article in The Voice, the one about the state of the music scene." "Really?" "That was a while ago." "I've always remembered it." "It was... hysterical." "Thanks, Howard." "Actually, it wasn't supposed to be funny." "Oh." "Are you sure?" "Do I have too much makeup on?" "I wouldn't go so crazy with the blush next time." "Oh." "Thanks." "Come on in." "I'm watching my stories." "Would you give me a push?" "Primo's room is straight ahead." "He's on the bed." "There in the box are some of his poems." "Maybe you'd like to read one of them at, uh... at the, uh... uh..." "Ash blow?" "Mm, sure." "You can take any of the stuff that you want." ""Go ahead." "Kiss to your heart's content." "It won't make you any younger or any more in love." "And I can laugh much longer while thinking how the both of you... can't believe either hasn't or will ever kiss another to wilt and wither this one."" "It has two titles:" ""For Sue" or "Fuck You, Fuck."" "I like the second one." "Um, are you Mary?" "We spoke on the phone." "I came to look at the apartment." "Well, this is it." "Uh... is there an..." "a bedroom?" "Hey." "How's the short story coming along?" "Great." "Do you need me to get you some food or somethin'?" "No, thanks." "Hey, Spike." "How are you?" "These all yours?" "Yeah, mostly." "I really like 'em." "Thanks." "What's this?" "Uh... oh, you know, I used to work for this big catering company, and they fired me for being lazy, so I wrote them this nasty letter." "And then they sent me these fucking photos as fucking evidence." ""Oh, she's lazy." Huh." "Okay." "Well, we'll be back in a jiff." "Mary, hi." "It's Joey." "So I guess we aren't doin' dinner since I haven't heard from you." "Everything okay?" "Call me?" "Mare, what the fuck?" "Where are you?" "Call me." "♪ One" "♪ Singular sensation" "♪ Every little step she takes ♪" "♪ One" "♪ Thrilling combination" "♪ Every move that she makes" "♪ One smile and suddenly nobody else will do ♪" "♪ You know you'll never be lonely ♪" "♪ With you know who" "♪ One moment in her presence" "♪ And you can forget the rest ♪" "♪ For the girl is second best to none ♪" "♪ Son" "Ah..." "Hi." "Hi, Joey." "You okay?" "I been worried." "Oh, I'm sorry, I know." "I've just been really busy." "Ah." "Can I come in?" "Um..." "I brought donuts." "It's okay, I'm not gonna be long." "Jesus." "Wow." "Sorry." "Oh, it's kind of messy 'cause I've been working on a short story for a contest, and the deadline is soon." "Huh." ""Cumming Attractions, by Primo Schultz."" "This was his poetry?" "One man's poetry..." ""She pressed her creamy thighs against his hard, throbbing member."" "That doesn't rhyme." "Hi." "Hi, Howard." "Um..." "Joey, Howard." "Howard, Joey." "Hey, how are ya?" "Good." "Just..." "Ahem." "Hey, Spike." "How are you?" "Well, I gotta go." "Okay." "I'll, uh..." "I'll just, um..." "Okay, I'll just see you later." "See ya." "So I'll have her back in a few." "Okay." "Thanks, Howard." "Yeah." "Come on." "Hey, this is Zoe." "Leave a message." "If you want Sue, leave a message." "If this is Chet Mazur, you're an asshole." "If this is the fucker that keeps hanging up on me, fuck you, you fucking fuck." "Anyone else, the auditions are being held at Context Studios, 550 Avenue A, today from 10:00 to noon." "Only come if you're talented." "Didn't you play bass for Mommy's Little Whore?" "How old are you?" "Twenty-one." "I saw you guys five years ago at the Pyramid." "Wow." "Yeah, you guys were great." "Except your drummer kinda sucked." "I know." "Why..." "why'd you guys break up?" "Well, he was nice, but he was really stupid." "I meant the band." "Oh, well... we just started it for a lark." "I mean, my best friend Zoe, the lead singer," "I mean, she would've continued, but, you know, for me, it was just a lark." "You said that." "Do you have any rolling papers?" "Yeah." "Are you fucking deaf?" "I mean, there's no future." "People that I know that end up in bands, they all become drunken losers, which is really where most of them end up." "I mean, believe me, I write about it, so I know, and being in a band can lead to a disastrous, drug-induced, pathetic end." "Really, I consider myself lucky." "I don't give a fuck how you wanna play it!" "This is my band!" "The day you start a band and I come for tryouts, that's when you can tell me how to do it!" "Fuck off!" "Oh, try the Village Vanguard!" "They love jazz!" "Don't waste my time, and don't waste Beautiful Cock's time." "If you got a problem with that, door's over there." "Next!" "Good luck." "Who the hell are you?" "I'm Mary McCrawley." "Where's your bass?" "Plannin' to fucking hum?" "I actually, uh-- Here, use this." "I wanted to tell you, um-- Here." "Well, I have played bass before." "I guess I could give it a whirl." "Yeah, let's do it." "It's in E. Do it against the drums." "Okay?" "Alright." "One, two!" "One, two, three, four!" "Alright, alright, alright!" "Look who's up." "That's Herman." "Hi." "Babe, you can..." "you can go back and play, love." "Were you in Mommy's Little Whore?" "I can't believe anybody knew us." "If you joined us, you'd have to dress a bit sexier." "Yeah?" "I mean, uh, you know that." "Yeah, of course." "Alright." "Well, we'll let you know." "I mean, it is a group decision." "Ahem." "Oh, fuck this." "You're in." "What?" "Another fine group decision." "Aren't there some other girls out there?" "I think Sue scared them all away." "Well, fuck them." "They're all children anyway, 10 times worse than you." "Really?" "Rehearsal tomorrow at 4:00." "Right here." "Great." "Thanks." "Yeah." "Oh, Christ." "What the fuck you carry in this thing?" "Uh..." "Thanks." "Joey?" "Mary." "Uh, one sec." "Uh... nah." "How are ya?" "What are you doin'?" "I was, uh, you know, shopping." "Uh... are we on for dinner tomorrow... or not?" "Sure." "Okay, then." "I'll see you then." "Fuck." "Shit." "Hi, this is Zoe." "How can I help you save hundreds of dollars on your car insurance today?" "Oh, my God." "That's how you have to answer the phone?" "Hi." "I know." "Can you believe it?" "New management." "Takes everything in my power not to say," ""Hi, this is Zoe." "How would you like to titty-fuck me today?"" "And where the hell have you been?" "You've got to meet this new guy I'm seeing." "I've been writing." "Um, I need to talk to you." "I have kind of a serious guy problem." "Oh, Christ, get in line." "Okay, um..." "Arrow Bar Happy Hour, ladies drink for free till 7:00." "And that bitch better let me out for happy hour." "Can you make it?" "I think I could be there in, like, 30 minutes." "I should be writing." "Yeah, we got those invoices out to you on Monday." "Zoe?" "Yeah, of course." "Absolutely." "Have a wonderful day." "Zoe?" "Hmm." "Hey." "Hi!" "Howard, hi!" "Oh, hi." "Hi, Howard!" "How'd you know I was here?" "You, uh, you called me from the payphone." "I did?" "I should not smoke pot." "Pedro Almodovar." "Why did I call?" "Uh, you didn't say." "I" " I just thought you were concerned about Spike." "That is impossible." "I'm just havin' a drink with my Primo." "Pedro Almodovar." "Why do you keep saying that?" "What?" "Pedro Almodovar." "Hmm." "He's a film director." "Hmm?" "I know." "It's a drunk test I do." "As long as I can say Pedro Almodovar, then I'm not drunk." "I'm not drunk." "Look, where is Zoe?" "I've been waiting for her for hours." "Zoe?" "My dearest, dearest friend, Howard." "But she's not gonna be my dearest, dearest friend anymore, because I'm in a band." "She's not gonna like it." "What do you listen to, Howard?" "Listen to?" "Oh, you mean for music." "Um, well, right now I'm listening to "Try Me One Time" by Delores Johnson." ""Try Me One Time."" "By Delores Johnson, yeah." "So that's it?" "Just the one song?" "As far as music goes, yeah, pretty much right now, yeah." "Nurse!" "Oh, you know what?" "How... how about I, uh, how about I take you home?" "I" " I don't think your friend's comin'." "You wouldn't cheat on me, would you, Howard?" "No, I wouldn't." "'Cause you're an honest man." "You're the most honest man I've ever met." "But you're young and it's all gonna change, and soon you'll just be another leaving, cheating, lying, porno-writing, painting, dying man." "But for now..." "you're good people." "Thank you." "You know, I had a question for Zoe about breaking up, 'cause she's a professional breaker-upper, but she doesn't seem to be here, so can you help me?" "Um, sure." "Yeah, I-I didn't know you were seeing anyone." "Was it that guy I met at your apartment, Joey?" "Bingo." "Oh." "Did... did Primo know?" "I wasn't cheating on Primo." "Primo was cheating on me with Josie." "So you've only been seeing this guy since Primo died?" "Well, technically, we're not seeing each other, because I've always been dating someone since we've been together, but I don't know, it's just an awkward break-up because..." "Pedro Almodovar." "It's awkward, Howard, because I've flirted with him so much." "I mean, he's not officially my type, but I don't know, I'm an asshole." "I always knew he wasn't my type." "Well, are you sure?" "I am sure, 'cause this is my type." "Well, I mean, then I would think that if you aren't seeing each other, then it would be easier to, you know... break up with him." "You would think that." "But I think he really likes me." "I mean, I know he likes me." "I know the look." "The look?" "The look." "You know, it's like these eyes, like, little sweet eyes, and this crooked smile, like he wants to just hug me or something." "You know, the look?" "Anyway, he's just a really, really nice guy, and free dinners are just fantastic." "Aren't free dinners just tanfastic?" "Uh, Pedro Almodovar." "Thanks." "Do you think I flirt too much?" "No, I don't." "Thank you." "I have to go to the ladies' room." "Okay." "Hey." "Hey, Zoe." "Zoe, Howard." "Howard, Zoe." "Howard is the most honest man in town." "Hi." "You missed the free drinks." "I know." "Mamie Eisenhower wouldn't let me leave." "Well, let's go somewhere else." "Come on, Howard." "No, actually, I'm gonna..." "I'm gonna get goin'." "But if you want to pick up Spike, here's my address." "Nice meeting you." "Same to you." "You scared away my dog-walker." "Oh, who cares?" "Come on." "I need a drink." "Jeff said he'd meet us at the Double Down." "Hi!" "Hey-hey-hey." "This is Mary." "Hi." "Cute top." "Thanks." "Right back at ya." "Zozo's told me so much about you." "Did she tell you we had an opening at the store?" "Yeah, that's great." "Can we have some girl talk for just a second?" "Sure." "Alright, one second." "What's up?" "Your new guy Jeff is wearing a Kopy Kopy Kopy shirt." "Yeah, I know." "He just got off work." "He's a manager." "Well, am I to assume that the job opening he's speaking of is in a Kopy Kopy Kopy store?" "Because have you ever been in a Kopy Kopy Kopy store?" "They're like Nazis in there, and the workers have to get the copies out in two minutes flat, or else they're like tortured in the back room, and their fingers are all covered with paper cuts." "And I'm not fucking kidding you, some of them have gone missing." "You're not exactly loaded with options, Mare." "Well, I am loaded with the option never to work at a Kopy Kopy Kopy store." "And he's gay." "Ugh." "I knew you'd say that." "I know that you think everybody's gay." "No, I don't." "I think your new boyfriend, who wants me to work at Kopy Kopy Kopy, is gay." "Mary." "Mary?" "Mary." "Mary?" "Oh, God." "Oh my God." "Hi." "Uh, the door was open." "Sorry, I-I, uh, didn't know if you were, um" "It's okay." "It's okay." "Um, what time is it?" "Uh, it's, um, quarter after 3:00." "Mm." "I guess I was catching up on some sleep." "Well, I was worried because you didn't, uh... you didn't pick up Spike and, uh..." "I didn't know if you got home okay last night." "You know?" "Thanks." "Do you want a Pop Tart?" "Uh... do you have any ice cream?" "Chocolate-chip." "What kind of Pop Tart?" "Frosted cinnamon." "Wow, perfect." "Yes, I would." "Thank you." "♪ I've got a story and I could tell ♪" "♪ It's in pieces for right now ♪" "♪ But it'll come again soon" "♪ If you only knew all the facts ♪" "♪ Only knew all the facts" "♪ I've been in love with you for quite some time ♪" "♪ Stands still for me each and every day after day... ♪" "You almost done with the short story?" "Shit." "What time did you say it was?" "Uh, well, it's a little after 3:15 now." "Shit." "Um, I'll be back later to pick up Spike, I promise." "Oh, alright." "That's fine." "Do you...?" "Um... the bedroom's back to the left." "There's only one bathroom." "Call me if you're interested." "Ice cream?" "Where's Sue?" "Oh, hey." "She's not here." "Do you wanna get a drink?" "Absolutely." "Well, what if Sue comes back?" "We'll leave her a note." "I've been screwing the bartender at that place across the street, so drinks should be a bargain." "So how long was Sue married to that guy?" "What's his name again?" "Primo." "Mm." "Primo, right." "Sue never married him." "Oh, I just assumed that" "Norma did." "Somebody had to." "Why?" "What do you mean?" "He just needed a lot of attention." "You know the type." "I don't understand." "Why did you marry him?" "That was Sue's bright idea." "I had a job at the time that had health insurance, and she thought it would be a good idea for him to marry me, and then he could have my insurance and then... go to rehab." "Until they started fucking." "There's Sue." "She doesn't know anything." "Ix-nay on the imo-Pre." "No oblem-pre." "Just got fucking evicted." "Can you believe it?" "I got a fucking kid." "You're kidding." "Why?" "Well, I didn't pay the rent." "Oh, how unreasonable." "Did you rehearse?" "Yes, we did, Sue." "And you were sorely missed." "Mary here is quite impressive." "Didn't you wear that yesterday?" "So you're in this girl's band?" "Yeah, you've seen me in a band before." "It's not that strange." "But it's the ex-wife's..." "of your dead boyfriend's band." "Can we change the subject?" "Waiter?" "How long was Primo married to this woman?" "He wasn't." "He just had her kid." "He married her friend instead." "She's in the band, too." "Jeez." "You know, you asked me how I'm doing, and then you get all judgy." "I-I'm not..." "Can we get another one of these?" "I'm not..." "I'm not judging you." "Are you okay?" "Why doesn't everyone keep asking me that?" "I am terrific." "It turns out that my ex-dead boyfriend was the most exciting man that I have ever met." "Of course, while he was with me, he was pretending to be a total loser, which is of course why I was attracted to him in the first place, which, now that I think about it," "just adds to his fucking brilliance." "Fucking falling in love with him." "But he's dead, Mary." "You just never understood him." "Look, of course I don't understand him." "I never even met him." "Joey, Primo." "Primo, Joey." "Are you happy now?" "You-you keep his urn in your purse?" "Judge, judge, judge." "I just don't understand." "I mean, did I..." "did I do something wrong?" "And why are you drinking so much?" "Judgy, judgy, judgy." "Stop saying that." "Judgy, judgy, judgy." "Stop it." "I..." "Look, I'm just" "Primo, I love you." "Oh, don't." "Uh, that's... not... clean." "Look, I'm worried about you." "I love ya." "I can't help it." "I know." "I'm sorry." "I have to go." "Where?" "Come on, Mare, don't do that..." "Hey, lady." "You're gonna have to dump that." "No open containers." "The other one, too." "This is my boyfriend." "Although I do think he would be flattered that an officer of the law mistook him for a decanter of Jim Beam, 'cause he was an alcoholic." ""Courtesy, Professionalism, Respect."" "That's all I ever wanted from a man." "Mary?" "Hola." "Hey." "Hi." "Sorry." "No, no, it's okay." "Excuse me." "What's going on?" "Oh, dear." "Where are you from, New Jersey?" "Well, actually..." "Tomorrow's Wigstock, a celebration of our beautiful righteousness." "Oh, is it Wigstock already?" "I totally forgot." "Oh, Lord." "Can I get a hit of that?" "It's my boyfriend!" "Alright!" "No need to bite my head off." "Go ahead and drink him up." "Goodbye, Primo." "We had some good times." "I counted them, actually." "Three." "Goodbye, Primo." "We had three good times." "Primo?" "Primo Schultz?" "!" "I guess it's more dramatic if the wind's blowing." "Oh, my God." "Zoe?" "He's cheating on me." "Who?" "Jeff!" "With a girl?" "Was it one of the workers?" "I had such a bad feeling." "I knew it." "It was going so well, and then I had to give him the... 1-2-3." "The 1-2-3?" "Yeah, the 1-2-3." "He was asleep in my bed and it was so... perfect, I swear." "Then I had this little feeling that I just..." "I had to do this one little check, so..." "I dialed his number and when the machine came on, I hit 1-2-3, right?" "'Cause almost everyone I know never changes the code from the original when you buy the fuckin' thing, because who else is gonna check your messages but you?" "And you." "And me." "But, I swear, it's just a quick check." "Just a quick check." "Just to make sure that his friends aren't discussing me as a conquest, or his mother isn't calling too much, and then... it was Debbie." "Three loving calls from that Kopy slut." "And..." "I wish I'd just left it alone, because ignorance is such bliss." "You said it, sister." "Oh, my life sucks." "No, it doesn't." "Yeah, it does." "I miss Mommy's Little Whore." "No, you don't." "Yeah, I do." "You never cared about it." "Zoe" "I'm sorry, Mary." "I'm so sorry." "Zoe..." "Zoe." "Zoe?" "Hello?" "Hello?" "Mrs. Schultz?" "Have you scattered my Primo yet?" "Uh... well" "Good." "Those fuckers gave us the wrong ashes." "You've got some dentist from Queens." "His son was here." "He's got Primo, and he's gonna stop by at your place this morning to get his father." "What?" "When?" "This morning." "Are you deaf?" "Well, does it really matter?" "I mean, they're just ashes." "I said the same thing, but, you know, this guy..." "Uh, can you hold on a minute?" "What the hell is that?" "Um..." "Hello." "Hello, this is Carl Bernstein." "I believe you have my father?" "Um... does it really matter?" "I mean, they're just ashes." "I don't think so, asshole!" "Excuse me?" "I'm on the FDR." "I should be there in about 20 minutes." "Yeah?" "Yeah, you want some of this?" "!" "Mary?" "Oh, hey, Howard." "Hi." "Why are you vacuuming the dog run?" "I'm not." "It's a dentist from Queens." "I thought it was Primo, but it's not." "It's somebody's father, whose son just called me from the FDR, and he sounds like a fast driver, so I better go." "Hello." "Hello." "I just went out for a pack of cigarettes and I thought I'd bring your father along." "Was he a smoker?" "Here." "So good to have my Primo." "Whoops." "Goodbye." "Drive carefully." "Oh, God." "Mary, it's Joey." "Give me a call." "Do you wanna get a cup of coffee?" "Yeah?" "Oh, shit." "Do they really believe that the whole body is in there?" "I mean, the amount of ashes in here, it seems like it's... at most a burnt head." "Mary?" "Ma-Mary?" "Oh..." "Primo's little porno manuscript is a book!" "He's fucking published!" "Hey, hey!" "Hey, ma'am." "What do you think you're doin'?" "Ma'am?" "!" "What do I think I'm doing?" "!" "This is trash." "Perhaps you've heard of the First Amendment?" "This is not a First Amendment issue." "This is a bad-writing issue!" "He was not that talented." "Otherwise, I never would've dated him!" "Oh..." "I think you guys need to leave!" "Pay for the ripped book in cash and leave, please!" "The books you have here are very bad!" "Uh." "Sorry." "Yeah." "Yeah, I would imagine!" "Are you gonna pay for that?" "I'll, uh" "That's 6.99." "We don't take credit cards." "Uh..." "I'm, uh..." "It's seven." "And you knocked over my signs." "Norma, can you tell Sue that I can't make it to rehearsal ever?" "Yes, ever." "And if you want to know why, meet me at the Tomkins Square Dog Park at noon." "Nice to talk to you, too." "Bonsoir to you, too." "Hey, this is Zoe." "Leave a message." "Zoe, if you get this before noon, it's time to send our beloved Primo into the winds of Tomkins Square Park." "Mary, it's your mother." "I had the strangest conversation yesterday." "Oh, Christ, I dropped the phone." "Anyway, I was at the Greenwoods Mall, which is much nicer these days, with the open-air thing that they're doing now, and they just put in a Supercuts." "So I ran into Louise Marcetti." "You, of course, would have no idea who that is, because Marcetti is her new husband's name." "By the way, I thought it was so nice to hear that a woman is still taking her man's name, not like you kids nowadays, having to prove your independence left and right, which is..." "it's just exhausting, Mary." "It actually wasn't such a surprise when I found out she was remarried in 1979, when women still their heads on straight." "The thing is her name before Marcetti was Lucas." "Louise Lucas, Joey Lucas's wife, Mary." "Now, she looked wonderful and she seemed to have all her faculties, so imagine my surprise when she tells me her Joey - Joey Lucas, that is - was killed in a car accident in 1978." "You remember that ice storm in January that year." "The poor thing went into the median on the Jersey Turnpike." "He was decapitated." "Now, I'm assuming the man you've been having dinner with for almost a year does have a head, so it's either a different Joey Lucas," "or a homicidal maniac, dear." "Okay, call me." "Mary, it's Joey." "Please give me a call." "Hey, it's me." "Leave a message." "Hey, it's me." "Leave a message." "You have two more messages." "Hi, Nick." "It's Janie." "Call me." "Kiss-kiss." "Hey, McCrawley, it's Jimmy." "Call me!" "I'm up to my ears in paperwork and I wanna talk to you about this claim." "I'm here all day, so call me, Nick." "Hey, it's me." "Leave a message." "Hi, Joey." "Uh, I mean Nick." "I mean..." "Dad?" "It's your daughter..." "Mary." "Okay, everybody, welcome to Wigstock 1999!" "Put your hands together for the lovely Schuyler Versailles." "Come on, girl, let 'em have it!" "Whoo!" "One of her nuts just popped out, but that was a hot move." "Oh, there she is." "Hey, Mary!" "Hey." "What the hell's goin' on?" "My dad's in town." "Christ, Norma." "Did you give her something?" "Fuck you, Sue." "I haven't done drugs in weeks." "I wanna reintroduce you before I" "Mary, I'm so sorry." "Oh, my God." "Is that Primo?" "Primo?" "Where?" "Who the fuck are you?" "Listen, you gotta believe me." "It just happened," "I swear to God." "He would flirt with me and he'd call me when you were at work, and... and it was that fucking Primo." "He just gave me all this attention and I couldn't get away from him." "But it was just sex." "I swear to God, it was only sex." "And then... we started going on walks together and..." "I didn't know what I was doing, Mary." "He was such a shit, and I started to like him." "Then I met that fucker Howard at the dog park one day with Primo, and I knew he'd tell you about me, and I'm so sorry." "So you're Josie?" "I thought her name was Zoe." "Howard couldn't remember your name." "Wh-what the fuck's goin' on here, huh?" "Howard didn't tell you about me?" "No." "So this morning outside of your apartment, he didn't..." "Oh, shit." "You were fucking Primo while I was living with him?" "!" "Wait, wh-what is this?" "Hello?" "Looks like I'm the only one here who hasn't gotten me some Primo." "Marilyn." "Whoops." "Sorry." "Wait, when the hell was this?" "It's just a couple times..." "at the beginning." "Are you fucking kidding me?" "You told me to marry him!" "I didn't tell you to fuck him!" "He came on to me." "Ask her." "She knows what it's like." "Shit, I thought he married an Asian stripper." "What did you fucking say?" "Who are these people?" "Mary's in our band." "You're in a band?" "Oh, my..." "God, you're in a band?" "!" "Wait, did..." "did you date Primo?" "Yes." "Yeah." "And you're the Asian stripper." "There you are." "Say that one more fucking time," "I'ma fucking-- Did I miss the ash blow?" "This Sue Watt." "Sue Watt?" "And you're in her band." "Who is this?" "Sue..." "Watt." "Who the fuck is this woman?" "It has been quite a while, but I have been meaning to say something to you, Sue Twat!" "Oh, shit." "What the fuck is going on here?" "!" "Primo était le mien." "Fuck!" "And, uh, tu l'as vraiment volé!" "He was mine and you took him." "You took him for you, took him like, uh, you take a..." "Like you take a dump." "Oui." "Is this Primo?" "You do not touch him!" "Today, Primo belongs to no one... but the earth... and the sky and the wind." "This is such a lovely tribute." "So many beautiful dancing trannies and colorful wigs and balloons." "So did everybody here sleep with Primo?" "Huh." "My goodness." "Wait, Mary." "What about the ash blow?" "Allôo?" "Mary, please." "Mary, please, there's one more thing I have to tell you." "I killed Primo!" "It was... it was the last time I was with him." "Primo!" "Oh, yeah, that's it." "Oh, great." "It's coming!" "Oh!" "Ah..." "And he just stopped." "I didn't know what to do." "Primo." "Ooh, shit." "I thought he would look more real if it was in front of the TV, but nothing looked real, so then I figured if I added some music to that, it would look like some crazy, over-stimulated heart attack." "I never killed anyone before." "I'm so sorry." "I wanted to tell you." "You know, I forgot about you." "I know you did." "No, I didn't forget about you in my life." "I never knew you to forget about you." "I forgot about you today." "I forgot the man I've been having dinner with for a year" "Mary." "Who I was about to break up with..." "Mary." "...is actually my father." "I was just..." "I was" "I forgot." "That's the day I've been having." "You have to listen to me." "I don't want to." "I wasn't ready." "I was... not ready, for your mother or... you." "I was 18 when she got pregnant and I-I guess I was just" "Gutless?" "Well, I was gonna say very young, but" "Hey." "Uh..." "do you wanna come in?" "Why didn't you tell me?" "You have really nice taste." "Thank you." "Why didn't you tell me about Zoe?" "I didn't know." "Not until after I saw her with you last night, and then..." "after that, I just..." "I didn't wanna be the guy that... told you that your best friend slept with your boyfriend." "It just d-didn't seem like a great way to start." "Howard?" "Yeah?" "I'm having a really fucked-up day." "Oh, okay." "Um..." "do you not want me to" "Mm... ♪ Try" "♪ Just try me one time" "♪ Mm... ♪ If your love should leave you ♪" "♪ And you're all alone" "♪ Don't worry, don't worry" "♪ Just pick up the phone" "♪ I promise that I'll be there ♪" "♪ Whenever you wish to call... ♪" "For any of you who wanna try this at home, let this be a warning." "If your father leaves you when you're a year old, and then comes back as an imposter for almost a year, and you just happen to have the remains of your cheating boyfriend available to crack your newfound parent's skull," "although you would think there's a mountain of just cause, they nevertheless will still arrest you for assault." "The good news is, hookers not only dish out surprisingly helpful relationship advice, but they also reward you with a standing ovation if you're bailed out by a cute male friend." "The bad news is, you may become one of those freaky New York celebrities." "♪ I will hold you so close to me ♪" "♪ I'll love you so tenderly" "♪ Just try, please try me one time ♪" "Hi." "Hi." "Here's my short story." "It's about Primo." "Oh, great!" "Two hundred pages." "Yes, it is." "Uh, you wanna come inside?" "I have to go." "Maybe later." "Okay." "It's remarkable how an incredibly brilliant, sexy, alive man could be standing in front of you for so long and you just don't know it." "And even more remarkable is how particularly unflirtable a person can all of a sudden appear when they turn out to be your father." "Joey Lucas had a bigger nose." "I know." "Mom threw away all the pictures of you." "I always sent you money." "Did your mother tell you that?" "Can you blame her?" "No." "Are you gonna press charges?" "Ow." "Maybe." "When my mother got wind of all the events of that day, and who Joey Lucas turned out to be," ""How did he look?"" "I told her that, like the rest of us, he looked a lot better before Primo got a hold of him." "Nevertheless, I insisted that the father formerly known as Joey Lucas up the ante to even nicer restaurants at least once a week." "Howard and I, along with the rest of the world, heroically survived Y2K." "And now, together, we are ready to face a simpler, new millennium..." "despite the fact that I've begun to smell like a Golden Retriever." "Sadly, I didn't end up winning the Scholastic writing contest, and, more importantly, the five grand." "But I did finally figure out a way to get Howard to move on to a new song." "And my newfound New York Post celebrity status landed me a variety of writing jobs." "Eventually my Primo story ended up in the New York Times." "And after much debate and about 300 voicemails from the apartment-searching creeps who obviously love a good tabloid story," "I finally acquired a new roommate." "Actually, two." "Sue had read about me in the Post and called immediately with the sentence:" "No wonder you're so fucked up." "Mmm." "Hello, hello." "Alright, mwah." "See you in a bit." "How we doin', guy?" "Good." "Good." "You two gonna be okay?" "What, we gonna be okay?" "Yes." "Yes, we're gonna be just fine." "We are Beautiful Cock!" "♪ You're the one most likely to succeed ♪" "♪ Just be sure to keep your head ♪" "♪ 'Cause girl you know that's all you need ♪" "♪ Everyone around you adores you ♪" "♪ Don't give up the world is waitin' for you ♪" "♪ Love is all around, no need to waste it ♪" "♪ You can have the town, why don't you take it ♪" "♪ You're gonna make it after all ♪" "♪ You're gonna make it after all ♪" "And as for Primo, it took us exactly 4 months, 12 days and about 500 beers, but we knew it was bound to happen." "Like the 20th century now officially behind us, things just couldn't last forever." "And on one fateful night, following hours and hours of senseless conversation," "Primo's name..." "just never came up." "♪ You can have the town, why don't you take it ♪" "♪ You're gonna make it after all ♪" "♪ You're gonna make it after all ♪" "♪ You're gonna make it after all ♪" "♪ I..." "I've got a story I'd like to tell ♪" "♪ It's in pieces for right now ♪" "♪ But it'll come together soon ♪" "♪ If you want a new one faxed" "♪ I've been in love with you for quite some time ♪" "♪ Stands still for me each and every day after day ♪" "♪ I'm constantly amazed, I'm amazed ♪" "♪ That I get to be with you" "♪ Oh I get to be with you all alone ♪" "♪ I..." "I've got a story I'd like to tell ♪" "♪ It's in pieces for right now ♪" "♪ But it'll come together soon ♪" "♪ If you want a new one faxed" "♪ Yeah a new one faxed" "♪ Oh a new one faxed" "♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪" "♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪" "♪ Ooh ooh ooh" "♪ I feel so lonely standing here ♪" "♪ No one to root for and plum out of cheers ♪" "♪ The bleachers are empty, nobody here to tempt me ♪" "♪ What I could use right now is a good massage ♪" "♪ Or a piggyback ride or a nice hot bath ♪" "♪ There's no cure for extinction no one to pay attention ♪" "♪ No gossip no invention" "Oh." "Oh." "Oh, but you're here for me, aren't you, boys?" "Ha!" "Hey." "♪ I tied a rope to my waist and around this town ♪" "♪ Rounded the earth its massive girth and found ♪" "♪ A letter of living" "♪ I recognized my writing" "♪ Bunny rabbits teddy bears martinis and a funny noise ♪" "♪ I wanna cuddle with Bonnie and all those boys ♪" "♪ Lightning rod tie-up in a rainstorm ♪" "♪ And honk my little bike horn ♪" "Ho!" "Ha." "♪ I love to go shopping for days on end ♪" "♪ For decor liquor and patent pen ♪" "♪ The walk I've developed while toting an umbrella ♪" "♪ A very little fella" "♪ I could scream I could cry I could laugh and pout ♪" "♪ Rubber ducky don't talk back I'll drown you out ♪" "♪ Immerse you in bubbles to play with my pee-pee ♪" "♪ Like my poodle Viti" "Oh." "♪ Give me horseback rides and you can feed me hay ♪" "♪ I wanna crank Liberace and dance all day ♪" "♪ Burn the spaghetti and throw around confetti ♪" "♪ Give me a dozen of those" "♪ Give me a case of these" "♪ Oh where are my manners" "♪ I forgot to say please" "♪ Say please, say please" "♪ Say" "♪ Please"