"You know that in certain remote areas of Brazil... coffee's considered to be an aphrodisiac." "More coffee?" "Please." "I think it's working." "Well, in that case..." "Well, it's there if you need it." "Oh, I love Saturday mornings." "So tranquil." "You know, if you listen carefully, you can almost hear the leaves fall." "Big leaves this year." "You scuzzball!" "You're the scuzzball!" " Your mama!" " Your mama!" "Hey, wait, kids, kids, kids." "You both have the same mama." "Come on, what's this all about?" "Carol turned the water off!" "I was taking a shower, and she turned the water off!" "I had to." "He wouldn't let me in the bathroom." "I was indisposed." "Well, he was in there for an hour and a half." "One hour, 33 minutes, and 22 seconds." "He's trying to get into the World Record Book." "As what, Ben?" "The Human Prune?" "No, for taking the longest shower." "The record's only 374 hours." "I can beat that, easy." "Ben, 300, that's two weeks." "You can't stay in the water that long." "That's what they told Jacques Cousteau." "Ben, Jacques had a submarine." "Not when he was nine." "Ben..." "Great." "I wanted to be immortal." "Instead, I'm just wet." "Immortal?" "How long have you wanted to be immortal?" "Since I was two." "Well, if you promise to stay out of the bathroom, maybe I'll help you." "Okay." "Hey, I wonder what's the longest anyone's gone without a shower." "I think it was Mike last summer." "Well, we were talking about those tranquil Saturday mornings." "I guess he couldn't get in the bathroom, either." "Hey, Mom, Dad, I want to take karate." "I want to split boards." "I want to break bricks." "Quick." "Hide the chimney." "Come on, Dad, I'm serious." "And the first class starts today." "Mike, why are you so hot, all of a sudden, about taking karate?" "Can you believe that, Dad?" "She wants to know why I want to take karate." " Mike?" " Yeah, Dad?" "Why do you want to take karate?" "I don't know." "I just want to." "The analytical mind at work." "Come on, Dad." "Does everybody have to have a reason for everything they do?" " No." " There you go, then." " So you'll pay for the lessons?" " No." " Why not?" " No reason." "Mike, I think I speak for both your father and myself when I ask you:" "Is there a girl in this class?" "What?" "A girl?" "You know, I resent that." "I take that as a "Yes."" "What are you guys talking about?" "Remember when you just had to take horseback-riding lessons?" "Yeah, 'cause you said it would help you overcome your fear of large animals?" "Yeah, well, you gotta admit, Debbie DiZomba was large." "Right." "And remember when you just had to learn Scottish folk dancing?" "Hey, I was starved for culture." "This is different, Dad." "This is karate." "It's a man's sport." " And it costs next to nothing." " Oh, good, good." "You got change for $1?" "Okay, how next to nothing?" "It's only $125, Dad." "And that includes a dozen training bricks." "Mike, here's $10." "Go buy her a burger." "It's cheaper." " Brought you some coffee." " Hi, honey." "Not there." "No, no." "Would you get me a coaster there, please?" "I polished this thing within an inch of its life this week." "And now you're just keeping it warm?" "What are you doing, Jason, that you don't want me to see?" " Me?" " Looks like you're working on a test." "I guess you could say that, yeah." " Well, what kind of a test is it?" " It's a dull test." "I mean, what's it for?" "Well, it's a test to measure dullness." "It's so dull, I can't even talk about it." "Jason?" "Okay, it's a marriage-compatibility test I'm planning to give a couple of my patients." "How fun!" " Let's take it and see how we do." " Let's take it and see how we do." "I knew we would say that." " Don't be such a stick-in-the-mud." " Such a stick-in-the-mud." "Am I that predictable?" "No, no." "No, you're spontaneous and impetuous... and that's what I love about you." " Don't be a wise guy." " Don't be such a wise guy." "Maggie, this is a test for couples having problems." "It pinpoints areas of conflict." "We have no conflict." "Oh, yeah?" " I want to take the test." "Do you?" " No." "See?" "Conflict." "Maggie, it's a boring test." "Not from what I see here." "The questions are profound, astute, full of insight." "Especially the smutty ones." "Yes, Number 12." "If you like that, wait till you get to Number 33." "Oh, come on, Jason." "Fill one out." "If you do well, I'll give you a big... 37." "37?" "Well, what more incentive... could any red-blooded, card-carrying husband ask for?" " 42." " Bingo!" "Yeah, Boner." "Yeah, look, remember when we saw The Karate Kid?" "Yeah." "Okay." "Well, what did the old man tell the kid... was the most important reason to study karate?" "No, no, I was out getting the Goobers." "Yeah." "Yeah, good." "All right, wait." "Good, Boner, good." "Yeah, great." "Yeah, okay." "All right, thanks a lot." "Bye-bye." " Dad." "Hey, can we talk?" " Sure." "Look, I know that I kind of got upset... this morning when you said I couldn't take the karate lessons." "And I know that, in the past, I may have used these activities to meet girls." "But I'm really glad you put your foot down about these karate lessons, Dad... because it forced me to look deeper into myself... and ask, "Mike, why do you want to take these lessons?"" "And the answer came to me, Dad." ""Mike, you want to take karate..."" ""because it develops discipline."" "Not only physical discipline, Dad, but spiritual discipline as well." "That's important to you, is it?" "Oh, yeah, Dad." "I mean, hey, with no discipline, each one of us..." ""is like a rudderless craft in a sea of conflicting desires."" "And you know what, Dad?" "I need the rudder that karate will give me." "I see." "So what you're saying is that... you're taking karate to help you achieve this spiritual state of..." "Don Ho?" "Right." "Don Ho." "Mike, Don Ho is the Hawaiian singer who recorded Tiny Bubbles." "Right." "Very spiritual guy." "He's up to 46 minutes now!" "We're going to do it!" "Do what?" "Throw out his hip?" "No, break the world's record for the most consecutive hours of imitating Elvis!" "I take it you're going for endurance here, not accuracy." "How much longer before he gets in the book?" " What time is it now?" " 1:30." "A week from Thursday." "Carol." "Ben!" "I'm sure Elvis would be touched but... you can't keep this up for another 12 days." "Ben?" "The King is dead." "I'm sorry." "How do you feel?" "I'm all shook up" "I'm all shook up" " So, did you finish scoring our tests yet?" " Yeah." " Well, what's it say?" "What's it say?" " For one thing, it says you're impatient." "Oh, come on, Jason." "Are we compatible or not?" " I am." "You're not." " Darn." "No, go ahead." "See for yourself." "We got an excellent score." "Agreed on just about everything." "Especially the smutty questions." "Here's one we disagreed on." ""What is your favorite hobby?"" " Oh, Jason." " What?" "I said "gardening," and you said "collecting baseball cards."" "How can we go on with this rift in our marriage?" "It's impossible." "We'll have to sell the house and divide the kids." "You take Mike." "Here's another one you screwed up." ""What side of the bed do you sleep on?"" "I said "the left" and you said "the left."" "Well, that's right." "You take up most of the bed, and I sleep on what's left." "Oh, no, here's another one you botched up." "Jason, you should be more careful." ""Would you ever keep anything from your spouse?"" "What did I say?" "You said "yes."" "Well, that's what I meant." "What?" "What do you mean, you'd keep things from me?" "That's like saying that you'd lie to me." "No, no, you're twisting my answer." "The question simply asks, "Would you ever keep anything from your spouse?"" ""Anything" is a big word." "It means anything." "Well, thanks for clearing that up." "Now will you tell me what "liar" means?" "Come on, Maggie, what are you making such a big deal of this for?" "I've always been honest with you." "Oh?" "Yes." "Remember when somebody tried to mix cement in your blender?" "I stepped forward right away and said, "Ben did it."" "Jason, you think this is funny, don't you?" "No, honey, I'm just saying..." "Well, I'll tell you what I remember." "I remember the Mattapoisett Inn." "The..." "Yes, where we had our honeymoon." "Yes, now remember that first night... and remember in front of the fireplace when we sat..." "Honey, I remember what we did in front of that fireplace." "Remember what you said?" "Yes, I said, "Let's try that again..." ""without the ice cubes."" "You also said that total honesty is essential to a happy marriage." "I said that after we were married?" "Okay, okay." "I said that." "But we're more mature now." "So, now we lie like rugs." "No, I'm only saying that there are some things that I might not volunteer." "Well, like what things?" "Give me an example." "An example?" "Two trains, traveling from opposite directions..." " Jason." " Train A moving 85 miles an hour..." "I meant an example from our lives." "Well, you didn't let me finish." "We were on train B." "Damn it, be serious." " You want a serious example?" " Yes." "Okay." "Here's something I didn't tell you because I thought it might upset you." "I will not be upset." "A couple of weeks ago I ran into Alison Van Dyke at the dry cleaner's." " Your old girlfriend?" " That's the one." "How nice." "Now, why wouldn't you want to tell me you ran into Alison?" " I don't know, maybe I thought you'd..." " Be upset?" "Nonsense." "Does she still strip for money?" "Maggie, she's an artist's model." "And what does she have to dry-clean, anyway?" "You'd think they could just hose her down once a week." "See, this is exactly why I didn't want to tell you." "Oh, no, I'm not upset that you saw her." "I'm upset that you hid it from me." "So, what did you and the nudist talk about?" "See, I knew I that I should've kept this to myself." "Right!" "That and all your other squalid, little secrets." "Well, if you'll excuse me." "I'm off to do a little jogging, Jason." "Well, I guess that means no Number 37 tonight." "I'm tired." "I'm hungry." "I'm bored." "I have to go to the bathroom." "I'm sick of this." "I'm sick of you." "That's the spirit!" "Tell me more." "Tell me what you hate." "I hate everything." "I hate this house." "I hate this rug, this sofa cushion, this table." "I hate his pajamas." " What's with him?" " He's going for a record in complaining." "He has to complain for 62 straight hours." "So far, he's got two straight minutes." "I hate minutes." "I hate stopwatches." "I hate your face." "I'll give you something to complain about." "I hate getting beat up by people bigger than me." "I hate pain." "Ben, let's go upstairs and find something for you to hate." "I hate stairs." "I hate this clock, and I hate these candles and..." "Hi, Mike." "Ready for the first class?" "Lynda, look, I said I'd meet you down at the karate place." "Oh, I know." "I just thought it'd be more fun if we walked together." "Was I wrong?" "It is okay that I'm here, isn't it?" "Yeah." "Look, why don't I give you a tour of the house." "This is the hall closet here." " Hey, Dad." " Hi, Mike." "Your mother come back from her jog yet?" "No, not yet." " I thought I heard her voice." " No, Dad, that wasn't her." "Mike, you know, there's no use in you and I discussing this karate thing anymore... unless you're gonna be straight with me." "Now, I still think there's a girl in this class." "No way, Dad." "All right." "Well, maybe there is one girl." "But we're talking flea collars and milk bones." "This girl is the Elephant Girl." "Nice to meet you, Mr. Seaver." "You thought Debbie DiZomba was an animal." "Hi." "Hi." "Don't let me disturb you." "I just think I left my glasses in here somewhere." "So you did." "Thanks." "Don't mention it." "Well, that's all I wanted." "I won't bother you any more." "It's no bother." "In fact, I have a free hour if there's anything you'd like to discuss..." "Mrs. Seaver." "Well, Doctor... there is something troubling me." "I knew it." "I'm a psychiatrist." "I sense these things." "Would you like to sit down and tell me about it?" "It's my husband." " What about him?" " He's impossible." "I mean, I love him, and he's a great father, but sometimes..." " Does he beat you?" " No." "Drink to excess?" "Scratch himself in public?" "No." "Then why is he so impossible?" "Because he doesn't believe in total honesty." "Mrs. Seaver, are you being totally honest with me now?" "Yes." "Well, there's one sure way to find out." "Hypnosis." "Hypnosis?" "You just keep your eye on the hypnotic trance inducer." "Very impressive." "Now may I see you do Walk the Dog." "Not for these prices, Mrs. Seaver." "Now you're getting tired." "You can barely keep your eyes open." "You're out." "Works every time." "So, Mrs. Seaver, you are now incapable of telling a lie." "And everything you say will be the complete and absolute truth." " You understand?" " Yes, Doctor." "All right." "We'll start with a simple test question." "What do you really think of your husband's red plaid blazer?" "His red plaid blazer?" "Well, I think that it really brings out the color of his... gums." "The whole truth, Mrs. Seaver." "I think it's the ugliest thing I've seen since Carol's snake... got caught in the dishwasher." "Good." "Now we're getting somewhere." "And that awful tie he wears with it." "Makes him look like a thrift shop blew up in his face." "I only asked about the blazer." "Just being honest." "Well, I'm glad you're enjoying this." "I have one more question for you, Mrs. Seaver." "By any chance, at last year's Christmas party... did Marty Brandt make a pass at you?" " How did you know..." " Well, it doesn't matter how I found out." "Did he make a pass at you, or not?" "Well, yes." "But it was nothing." "I wouldn't even call it a pass." "He asked you to go to Tahiti with him." "Just for the weekend." "Well, why didn't you tell me?" "I mean, doesn't a husband have a right to know... when his wife is propositioned?" "Jason, I didn't think there was any point in mentioning it." "I mean, honey, I didn't want to ruin your friendship with Marty." "Besides, Marty'd had too much to drink." " He didn't know what he was doing." " I know." "Because as soon as you turned him down, he staggered over to me... and blabbed the whole sordid story." "Marty told you?" "He confessed." "Then he broke into tears and tried to blow his nose on my tie." "The one I wear with my red plaid blazer." "Jason, I'm sorry." "I should have told you." "Maybe." "Or maybe you realized that telling me wouldn't do anybody any good... so you kept it to yourself." "I admire you for that." "Really?" "And I'm sure if Marty had been sober, you would have told me everything." "As soon as you got back from Tahiti." "And I'm sure you would have told me if Alison had been nude." "Right after we got back from Tahiti." "Jason." "I mean, Dr. Seaver." "Thank you." " You've been very helpful." " Yes." "Well, it has been a most productive session." "However, there's one other thing I'd like to try with you." "Something I've never tried before with a patient." "What's that?" "Number 42." "Doctor." "There is no use resisting." "You're under hypnosis." "Who's resisting?" "When those world record people get this letter... we'll be in that next edition for sure." "So, what record did you guys break?" "Most failed attempts trying to get into the World Record Book in one day." "And they said it couldn't be done." "Mom, Dad, can I take modern dance?" "English"