"# It seems today" "# That all you see" "# Is violence in movies and sex on TV" "# But where are those good, old-fashioned values" "# On which we used to rely?" "# Lucky there's a family guy" "# Lucky there's a man who" "# Positively can do # All the things that make us" "# Laugh and cry" "# He's...a...family" "# Guy!" "#" "TV:" "And now our feature presentation" " Lawrence of Arabia." "Presented in its original, ultra-cinemascope letterbox format." "LOIS:" "Well, I can't see anything." "STEWIE:" "Who's the rather attractive girl on the camel?" "BRIAN:" "That's Peter O'Toole." "PETER:" "You film buffs might enjoy this." "His first and last names are slang for "penis."" "We interrupt this program to bring you exciting news." "Family Feud will be coming to Quahog." "Auditions are being held tomorrow at the Civic Centre." "Family Feud's coming to Quahog?" "Peter, we should try out." "A family can win $5,000 on that show." "$5,000?" "!" "I could get that cave for the front yard I've always wanted and then tell people not to go in there." "(KIDS GIGGLING) Hey, you kids stay out of that cave!" "You don't know what's in there!" "Ah!" "Money well spent." "We're looking for fun, interesting families that viewers will wanna watch." "You folks have any interesting stories?" "Tell him about the stitches thing when Chris was born." "I'll tell it." "Lois was so wrecked, they had to sew her up and open a new vagina next to the first one." "Like when they build a new bridge next to the old bridge and you're like, "I can't believe I used to use the old one." "Looks so unsafe." All right, enough clowning around." "We want to play the Feud." "Well,  you're  in  luck." "The other family we've chosen has three daughters so we're picking you because you have three sons." "But I'm not - Shut  up..." "Greg." "PRESENTER:" "It's time for the Family Feud." "Introducing the Callaghan Family, ready for action." "And the Griffin Family." "On your marks, let's start... ..the Family Feud!" "With the star of Family Feud," "Richard Dawson!" "Thank you." "Thank you very much." "Oh, you're lovely." "I haven't heard that much applause since Bob Crane premiered his home movies in my closet.  (PETER  CHUCKLES)" "All right, let's play the Feud." "100 people surveyed, top four answers on the board." "Here's the question." "Name something you find in your bathroom. (BUZZER SOUNDS)" "A sink." "Show  us  "sink!"" "Peter, three answers on the board that can beat that." "Name something you find in your bathroom." "Find in your bathroom..." "Find in your bathroom..." "Richard, I'm gonna go with foetus in the toilet bowl." "Show us "foetus in the toilet bowl!"" "Play or pass?" "We're gonna play." "Oh, this must be your lovely wife." "Oh." "Uh-uh." "I've been waiting for this for years." "(MOANS AND GROANS)" "(I wanna be your pinky ring.)" "OK, Lois, name something you find in your bathroom." "OK, how about bathtub?" "(ALL CHEER)" "OK, name something you find in your bathroom." "Um...a razor blade and a note?" "(ALL CHEER)" "All right, you've got two strikes, Callaghans." "Name something you'd like to receive as a gift." "Candy?" "Show  me  "candy!"" "Wait." "We're out?" "But you said if I slept with you - All  right,  Griffins, here's your chance to win the game." "Name something you'd like to receive as a gift." "Groceries!" "Assorted lotions!" "An Uzi!" "A dead squirrel!" "Money!" "All  right,  good  answer,  good  answer!" "Well, Richard, my family seems to think money's the way to go so I'm gonna go with the flute that Captain Picard played, first in his imagination and then in real life in the episode The Inner Light from Star Trek The Next Generation." "What?" "No, you idiot!" "We said "money!"" "Show me "Picard's flute!"" "(ALL CHEER)" "Peter, how did you - I was in the survey." "Can you believe it?" "We're going to the bonus round!" "OK, Lois, 15 seconds on the clock." "Name something you sit in." "A chair." "My own faeces." "Name  a  popular  fruit." "Orange." "Clay Aiken." "Something in your closet." "Shoes." "Scary  monsters." "Your favourite holiday." "Christmas.  9/11." "Something you do on the weekends." "Go to church." "Black guys." "(AUDIENCE APPLAUD)" "All right, "Something you sit in."" "You said, "Chair." Survey said..." "Wait a sec." "I said "faeces." Where's my answer?" "Oh, you're just gonna pretend I'm not here, huh?" "Just like Robin Williams' agent pretends he's still funny." "(PHONE RINGS) Hello?" "Hey, Phil, it's Robin Williams." "(LAUGHS)  That's  hilarious!" "I'm just making sure the meeting is still on for two thirty tomorrow." "Otherwise, I've gotta go to that Chinese dentist." "Get it?" "Tooth-hurty?" "(LAUGHS)  You  son  of  a  bitch!" "I had a mouthful of coffee!" "God, you are funny, and that is real!" "OK, Peter, Lois did great." "You only need one point to win the $5,000." "20 seconds." "Name something you sit in." "Chair." "(BUZZER SOUNDS) Try again." "Big  chair.  (BUZZER SOUNDS) No, that's the same thing." "Try again." "High chair." "That's  still  a  chair." "Chair." "Say something other than "chair."" "What if I can't think of anything?" "You  can  pass." "How do I pass?" "Just say it." "Say what?" "Say  "pass."" "Chair." "(BUZZER SOUNDS)" "I'm sorry, your time is up and you didn't score enough points." "But thank you for playing." "What?" "That's it?" "We lose?" "I'm afraid so but we enjoyed having you here." "You son of a bitch!" "What about my cave in the yard?" "What about my cave in the yard?" "!" "Get  your  hands  off  me." "I served in the fictitious military." "Peter!" "Oh, my God, are you all right?" "What happened?" "Where am I?" "Who are you?" "I'm Lois." "Lois who?" "Who the hell am I?" "Uh-oh." "Mrs Griffin, I'm afraid your husband has amnesia." "Oh, my God!" "Is it permanent?" "Well, there's no telling for sure." "His memory could return in days, weeks, years, or never." "Or weeks." "Peter, I want you to meet your family." "You're...my family?" "That's right." "These are your children." "Dad, I'm Chris." "I'm your son." "I've never seen you before in my life." "Wow, then I must be invisible!" "Hey, everybody, I'm invisible!" "HERBERT:" "Oh, no, you're not." "Hot diggity!" "This is Meg, your daughter." "D'oh!" "No, Peter, that's not your catchphrase." "Oh." "Sorry, I just don't remember anything." "Dad, this is your baby and your dog." "Oh, he doesn't remember us." "It's an opportunity to come up with our own names." "I'm Tomax and this is Xamot." "We're twins who can feel each other's pain." "Ow!" "No, Brian, I'm supposed to say, "Ow!"" "You ruin everything!" "Ow." "All right, Peter, we're gonna try to jog your memory with some old videotapes of the family." "Boy, you got a lot of tapes here." "I wanna watch some of these instead." "Pretty Woman?" "What's that?" "It's  just  a  movie  from  the  '80s." "Oh, my God, we've gotta watch this." "Look what they're saying about it." ""As funny as it is touching." "Gene Shalit."" ""I stood up and cheered, "Go, Julia, go!" Joel Siegel."" ""This movie made me laugh so hard I had mild headaches so I went to the doctor and got myself checked out." "I'm currently awaiting results." "Gene Siskel."" "Everyone seems to love this." "We've gotta watch it!" "We'll watch it later, Peter." "I wanna show you one of the most special times of your life and mine." "Our honeymoon." "I think you've had enough, Peter." "DRUNKENLY:" "You don't know." "Get away!" "I know my body better than you!" "Is that...us?" "Yes, Peter." "You were so handsome and it was such a wonderful week." "Hey, buddy, I think that girl likes me." "Of course she does." "She's your wife." "Do  you  like  her?" "(GIGGLES)  I  don't  know... (GIGGLES)" "(SIGHS) You know, this isn't gonna be easy, you guys." "We're gonna have to re-teach your father everything he's forgotten." "Hey, have you heard this awesome new song?" "No!" "# Well-a bird, bird, bird" "# B-bird's the word # Well-a bird, bird, bird" "# B-bird's the word # Well-a #" "This is called a telephone, Peter." "You use it to talk to people who aren't in the house." "There are others?" "Yes, there are over six billion people in the world." "Here, I'll show you." "We'll call my parents." "(PHONE RINGS) CARTER:" "Hello?" "Hello." "Who's this?" "Who's this?" "Carter." "Who's this?" "I don't know." "Do you have my OxyContin?" "What?" "Are you the guy?" "I'm  a  guy." "I want my drugs." "What  are  drugs?" "I don't think this is the call I was expecting. (HANGS UP)" "Now, Peter, this is your silverware." "You see, this is your fork and this is a knife." "CROCODILE DUNDEE:" "That's not a knife." "That's a knife." "This is also a knife." "Oh." "Well, I'll be on my way." "I wanna see more of him and then suddenly none of him... forever." "All right, you know what?" "This is not working." "If you're gonna learn to drive, you're gonna have to practice first." "Here." "Play Grand Theft Auto for eight hours and then we'll give it another try." "So, you guys are my best friends and this is where we hang out?" "That's right." "I'm Quagmire and this is Joe." "So, what do we do here?" "Well, we usually come here, you buy us drinks and tell us what Lois' nipples look like, like you always do." "Giggity-giggity." "Yeah, but first you usually go over there and pull down that blonde waitress' top." "(WAITRESS SCREAMS) (SLAPS)" "She screamed so I had to slap her." "Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy." "Get nude." "Get nude." "Please get nude." "Please get nude." "Peter, you don't have to spy on me." "You're my husband." "Come on in." "Oh, boy, no fooling?" "Oh, boy!" "Wait a minute." "Something's happening in my pants." "In the front this time." "That's  all  right,  Peter." "It just means you're excited." "That's the way it's supposed to be between a husband and wife." "It means you wanna make love." "But..." "I forget how to make love." "Shhhh." "Shh-shhh." "That's OK." "I'll show you." "Just follow my lead." "# It feels like the first time" "# Feels like the very first time" "(BOTH MOANING)" "Wow!" "That was what they call sex?" "Yes, it was, Peter." "Can we do it again?" "Huh?" "Huh?" "Can we?" "!" "Wow!" "You're as excited as a porcupine meeting a pineapple." "Hey, good-looking." "Where have you been all my life?" "(CHUCKLES)" "Morning, nice people who I still don't know your names and who mean nothing to me." "Well, I certainly hope that doesn't apply to me." "Especially  after  last  night." "You've got a point there, hot stuff." "And if sex with the rest of you is half as good as it was with her, then I think we're all gonna get along just fine." "Yay!" "What?" "No." "No, Peter." "You can't have sex with the kids." "I wish you'd told him that before he lost his memory." "(ALL GASP) It  was  a  joke!" "I was just making a joke." "That's  your  sense  of  humour?" "I was just kidding." "God!" "Meg, that's awful." "Jeez, you open your mouth for a joke once and that's what you come up with?" "That's  messed  up,  Meg." "I was just trying to be funny." "That wasn't funny." "That was just dark." "Yeah,  that's  your  father." "Get out, Meg!" "Get out of the kitchen!" "Go on!" "Get out!" "Out!" "Out!" "Out!" "Out of the kitchen!" "Go on!" "Get out of here!" "(CHUCKLES)" "Oh, Peter, there you are." "I've been waiting." "You ready to have sex?" "You  bet." "Move over so Tiffani and I have room." "What?" "!" "Who the hell is she?" "!" "She's the woman I'm gonna have sex with tonight." "Don't worry about getting me pregnant." "I'm already pregnant." "Peter, what's the matter with you?" "You can't just have sex with some random woman!" "Why the hell not?" "Because we're married!" "Well,  I'm  sorry but I don't remember marrying anybody." "Why the hell would I commit to having sex with one person for the rest of my life?" "Because we love each other!" "That's part of being a family." "It means being responsible and faithful." "Well, that doesn't sound very fun." "Well, if that's how you feel, then we no longer have a family." "Boy, I'm glad you said it." "But this is my house and I'm not going anywhere." "You don't have to." "I'm leaving and I'm taking the kids with me." "That's a beautiful necklace you're wearing, Tiffani." "Thank you." "Is that what you do with your Saved by the Bell money?" "Mom, I don't wanna live in a tiny, gross apartment." "Well, I'm sorry, honey, but we don't have a choice." "Your father doesn't remember his life and he doesn't want us to be a part of it so we've just gotta move on." "Oh, this is disgusting." "I shouldn't be here." "A baby doesn't belong in the inner city any more than a baby belongs on a plane." "(BABY CRIES) Shhh." "It's gonna be OK." "Gonna be OK." "STEWARDESS:" "Our in-flight movie this evening is Hancock." "(BOTH WAIL)" "Peter, what the hell is all this?" "Well, I'm a bachelor so I invited a bunch of people over and now I'm waiting for them to leave." "That's what bachelors do." "I'm interested in the redhead with the wooden arms and legs over there." "You think you could introduce me?" "That's  a  table,  Seamus." "Don't point." "She's looking." "Oh, great." "Now I gotta go in." "Hey,  I'm  Seamus." "Peter, you left your family for this?" "Look, I don't know what I was doing before but this is the way man was meant to live." "I just know it." "Check it out." "Don't you miss your family?" "What?" "That  lady  and  those  kids?" "I don't even remember them." "How could I miss them?" "I almost don't wanna ask you out because I know you're gonna say no." "You wanna go out?" "No?" "OK." "Giggity." "Giggity." "Gig-gig-gig-gig-gig-gig-gig-gig gig-gig-gig-gig-gig-gig-gig-gig gig-gig-gig-gig-gig-gig-gig gig-gig-gig-gig-gig." "Giggity!" "Lois!" "Oh, my gosh!" "Hi!" "Oh, hi, Quagmire." "What a surprise." "I know, right?" "Gosh, you know, I was just picking up a couple of hams to take down to the shelter and here I run into you buying food to make dinner for your husband." "No, actually, Glenn, maybe you haven't heard but uh..." "Peter and I aren't together  any  more." "What?" "Why?" "Oh, it's a long story." "You don't wanna hear about it." "Oh, shut your face (!" ") I wanna hear all about it." "But listen, I've got all this shopping to do so you want to stop by tomorrow night?" "I'll just whip something up." "Well, sure." "You know, that sounds nice, Glenn." "Holy smokes, this is a sure thing." "Like the end of a Mexican wedding." "(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)" "Aw, crap, we're out of milk." "I'm gonna run next door to the airport and get some." "Hey, when you're over there, can you get some rodent traps?" "We've got a giant mutant rat living under the sink." "I'm just gonna hide under the sink till y'all go to sleep then I'm gonna come out and make my poops in your Kickz." "Hey, Stewie, is Lois back yet?" "I've been trying to get hold of her." "She went to Quagmire's for dinner." "What?" "!" "Ah, that was a delicious dinner, Glenn." "I didn't know you could cook." "Well, when a fella's been alone as long as I have, he learns to take care of himself." "Well, you're a very sweet friend and you're so good to listen to my troubles." "Oh, I could listen for hours, Lois." "Whoo!" "Boy, you know..." "I don't know how half a glass of wine got me so light-headed." "I better lie down." "You want me to help you upstairs?" "Oh, my God, you are a saint!" "Oh, I think I can make it from here." "Oh!" "Whoa-whoa!" "Whoa!" "Whoa!" "(BOTH LAUGH)" "Oh, whoops!" "Professor Klutz, the doctor is in!" "(LAUGHS) Oh...where's this heading?" "Oh, hiya, Brian." "All right, Peter, now I know your head is still a blank slate but you've gotta listen to me when I say..." "Wait." "Did you just call me "Brian"?" "Oh,  yeah." "You've got your memory back?" "Uh-huh." "Happened yesterday on my way back from the grocery store." "Hi, Peter." "Hey, you just snubbed me in front of my own house." "I thought we'd come to an understanding!" "Look, fella, I don't know who you are and I don't want to so why don't you just go back to your crabgrass?" "This happens to be fresh Marathon Sod!" "Oh, man, I just got my memory back." "And as I recall, I don't really care for you!" "Wait a minute." "Who are you?" "Hey, I know you!" "What's your beef, stranger?" "Well, if it isn't my old nemesis!" "I was just lucky he had an odd number of objects." "Why the hell didn't you tell anybody?" "I figured I could enjoy the bachelor life for a few more days before getting Lois back." "Well, you may have waited too long already." "Lois is on a date with Quagmire and you've gotta stop her before something happens." "What?" "Where  is  she?" "She's next door at his house." "You better get there quick because with Quagmire, sex is inevitable." "Like a fat guy ordering dessert when everyone else wants to leave." "So, does anyone want dessert?" "Oh, I couldn't eat another bite." "No, I've gotta get home for the sitter." "I'll  have  the  souffle." "That takes 45 minutes." "That's  OK." "Oh, I can't believe we're doing this but I've gotta say, it feels kind of right." "I know, it's so weird, right?" "I mean, it's, like, fast." "I mean, it's fast, but it feels, like, OK... you know?" "I mean, like, isn't that crazy?" "It's like this adventure that we're having together." "I know." "That's exactly how I feel." "I mean, it's a little strange but if Peter's never coming back to me, it's at least nice to know I'm in the arms of a trusted friend." "You..." "You...trust me?" "Uh-oh." "Is something wrong?" "I-I-I don't know." "I'll be right back!" "(RAPID PUMPING)" "Damn it!" "Lois!" "Peter?" "!" "What are you doing here?" "!" "I got my memory back and I love you, Lois!" "I want you and the kids back." "I want our old life back!" "Oh!" "I don't believe it!" "Sweetheart, it's you!" "You're back!" "Argh!" "Damn it!" "I'm back, Lois, and I'm sorry." "I treated you so badly but I hope you know it was only because I wasn't myself." "I didn't just lose my memory, I lost my mind." "Clear!" "(ELECTRIFYING  SOUNDS)" "Damn it!" "Oh, my God, Peter, I don't care!" "I don't care!" "I'm just overjoyed to have you back!" "Let's go home." "Damn it!" "Damn it!" "Damn it!" "(CRIES)" "Subtitles by Deluxe"