"Oh, dear, that sounds quite worrisome, Mother." "Have you been to a doctor?" "Do they know why your hair is falling out in clumps?" "Wasn't there just the one clump left anyway?" "Oh, I see." "Yes." "Oh, I see!" "Yes, I see." "Oh, my God, I just dropped an entire pot of tea!" "It's everywhere." "I'll call you right back." "If you're going to walk around in a towel again," "I'm going to need at least 24 hours notice to pack a small bag and check into a hotel." "And how do you propose I take a shower?" "With as much clothing on as possible." "No-one should have to see you wet." "It was like a shaved squirrel with hips." "Now, I want you to be brutally honest." "I have an audition tomorrow." "Do you think I can pass for 50?" "I'm not even sure you can pass for alive." "That's Violet." "Hey, she was upset." "She had something she needed to discuss with us." "Poor dear." "Just don't let her sit down." "I want her in and out." "Hello, darling." "Do I look terrible?" "I've been crying for two days straight." "That sounds like something you probably don't want to talk about." "It's an incredibly long and complicated story, I'm afraid." "Hello, Freddie." "Hello, Vi." "You do look awful." "I'm going to need at least three cups of tea to get through this." "Oh, look, and you're sitting down." "Nicely done!" "She's too quick." "Well... he broke up with me." "Who did, dear?" "Kristoff." "We didn't even know you were seeing anybody." "That's because Kristoff swore me to secrecy." "He lives abroad and would fly me to Hungary once a month to do unspeakable things." "Well, he is Hungarian, dear." "It's probably very speakable over there." "We were even talking about having a child." "They can do incredible things nowadays in the world of science." "You might also want to consider the supernatural world." "I don't even think God could impregnate you at this point." "We were getting very serious, and then I get an email from him this morning saying he never wants to see me again." "You poor thing." "You probably want to be alone." "No, that's just it." "I don't want to be alone." "I want a companion." "I want what you both have." "Well, not that." "That's horrific." "But I want something." "Something meaningful." "Then might I suggest that next time an Eastern European asks you to perform depraved sex acts, you politely decline." "That's good advice for anybody, really." "Hi, Ash." "Hi." "Is this a bad time?" "Of course not." "Come in." "Hello, Ash." "You remember our friend Violet." "Hi." "Please, we've met so many times I almost feel like we're an item." "People will start talking." "Yes, about how ill the thought makes them." "Ash, please, sit down." "Thanks." "You're sitting very far away from me, Ash." "I know." "Would you like us to ask her to leave?" "No, I only feel bad that I'm interrupting." "No, we finished, right, dear?" "Oh..." "You're sad, lonely and nobody's ever going to love you." "Great!" "So, in that case, I wanted your opinion on something." "Well, we are very good listeners." "OK, so, you know how I've told you that my father's been in prison ten years for armed robbery." "No..." "I don't believe you did tell us that very, very disturbing bit of news." "Oh, I thought I did." "Well, the whole story is... my father's been in prison ten years for armed robbery." "Ah." "Now we're caught up." "And, anyway, you both have been like grandfath..." "Uncles to me, and I wanted to ask your advice." "What a lovely thing to say." "And are these uncles of yours in prison, as well?" "No, I don't have any uncles." "This is all very confusing." "See, I've been working at this restaurant, and it's going OK, but I don't think it's what I really want to do." "Well, what are you interested in?" "Dunno." "I don't really know how to do much." "Well, what about acting?" "Hmm?" "Yes, one doesn't have to know anything to do that." "Do you really think I could be an actor?" "Why not?" "You've certainly got the right look." "And you have fantastic hair." "A lot of acting is just good hair." "Yes, that's true." "I've always thought what it would be like to be an actor." "So has Freddie." "Well, I think it sounds marvellous!" "Just know you're going to have to take your shirt off a lot." "People are always wanting young men to take their shirts off." "It's appalling, I know, but that's the world we live in." "You might as well take it off now." "I'd be happy to advise you, Ash." "I actually have an audition tomorrow." "And you can help me prepare, if you'd like?" "Great." "What can I do?" "Well, to start with, you're going to have to take 25 years off him." "Then teach him how to act." "All right, my audition is for my favourite television programme... ..Downton Abbey." "Oh, wow!" "That's a great show!" "Yes, I know it is, I don't need you to tell me that." "I'm feeling enough stress as it is!" "Sorry." "Now, the first thing you have to do when preparing for an audition is to work out what it is your character wants." "How do you do that?" "By studying the script." "Looking for any clues the writer might have given us." "So we'll start with my first line." "Which character are you auditioning for?" "Cook Staff Number Four." "But I'm calling him Thomas." "There's already a character called Thomas on the show." "Yes, I know there is." "I watch the show, for God's sake." "But this way I've created conflict." "That's important?" "Very." "It's all necessary for the making up a backstory for your character." "I already know that these two Thomas' despise each other and I haven't even read my first line." "Ohh." "So, how do we find out what it is the character wants?" "And, you see, you've always got to want something." "You can't just be standing there not wanting anything, looking like some sort of idiot, can you?" "I suppose not." "All right." "Well, now, you give me my cue." "That means you read out the line before my first line." "There are a lot of technical terms I'm going to be throwing at you and you've go to be ready!" "OK." "Got it." "Give me my cue." "'Yes, what is it?" "'" "'I just wanted to put these potatoes away.'" "Is there anything more?" "No, that's it." "Now, how do we work out what it is that Thomas wants?" "Any ideas?" "Er... to put away the potatoes?" "And why would you say that?" "Because his only line is, 'I just wanted to put these potatoes away.'" "Yes, that's the obvious answer, I suppose." "Remember, when you have a very small part, your job, as an actor, is to make it bigger." "I think Thomas really wants to be the head of the cook staff and actually doesn't want to put those potatoes away." "In that way, he can blame the other Thomas for not putting them away." "Do you see?" "Wow." "I would never have thought of that." "Well, that's your job as an actor to think of these things." "Right, well, now, if you would give me my cue again and let me see if I have my line memorised." "'Yes, what is it?" "'" "Hello." "I'm bringing all of these potatoes to put them into that cupboard." "So if you would just excuse me, please, I need to squeeze by." "The line is actually 'I just wanted to put these potatoes away.'" "It's all right to paraphrase as long as you get the essence of the line." "And I think I improved it." "Thanks very much, Freddie." "I'm learning tons." "You'll definitely get the part." "Not if you keep applying this enormous pressure on me, I'm not!" "Sorry." "Now I've completely forgotten what to do with the potatoes." "Oh, for God's sake!" "Go, I don't want you to see me like this." "Just the tiniest bit, darling." "A little more." "A little more." "A little more." "Would you prefer to drink it straight from the bottle?" "I'm a bit on edge, darling." "I heard from Kristoff again." "He insists I fly to Budapest for the weekend, and..." "Well, I don't even want to tell you what he wants me to do." "Unless you really want to know." "I don't." "But he's so kind." "And when he's not in that mask, he has the sweetest face." "Do you want to hear what I think, Violet?" "Of course, darling." "You're my best friend in the world." "And I'm yours." "Well..." "What?" "We are best friends?" "We're close friends, yes." "I thought we were best friends." "Yeah, we were." "Until you did something 45 years ago that upset me." "And you moved down the ranking." "Oh." "But I have no idea what it is I did." "Oh, I think you do." "So, what's your advice then?" "I think you deserve better." "Really?" "Yes." "I find it mind boggling that you should continue to remain in such a hideous relationship." "I was hoping there might be an ambulance outside when I came home and they would've already loaded you in." "Did you step in dog shit or is that just you?" "Well, I have wonderful news, but since there's nobody good to share it with" "I might as well tell you two." "I got the job." "Oh!" "Fantastic!" "What's the part?" "I'm going to be playing Thomas on Downton Abbey." "I thought there already was a Thomas on that show." "I'm the other Thomas." "Well, whatever you do, don't change the lines this time." "They don't like it." "Oh, shut up." "You don't know the first thing about acting." "You can't even convince me you're sitting on that sofa right now." "Well, congratulations, Freddie." "Thank you, Vi." "If this goes well, someone even mentioned the possibility of becoming a regular on the series." "The 'someone' is him." "Hello, Ash." "I have good news." "You know that audition you were helping me with?" "Well..." "I got a part in a film!" "I beg your pardon?" "It's only a small part in an independent film, but it's a start." "What..." "What is he saying?" "He got a part in a film!" "We're all very happy for you, Ash." "Aren't we, Freddie?" "This is the best performance I've ever seen him give." "Are you still alive, sweetie?" "Oh, dear!" "Oh, come on!" "Wake up!" "Your 20th birthday's coming!" "There we go!" "You gave me such a fright!" "Morning." "It's getting harder and harder to wake Balthazar up." "When it's time to have him put down, should I do you both together?" "Whatever you like." "Is that all you have to say?" "Nothing else?" "I can't think of anything." "Isn't today the day you film Downton Abbey?" "I think that's thrilling." "One line." "Big deal." "Yes, but you're always so excited when you're working." "I just don't see the point, Stuart." "All these years, toiling away." "And then some young nobody, whose father is basically a murderer... ..gets a part in a film in his first audition." "Well, beginners luck." "And you said yourself this could turn into a regular role." "Not likely." "Unless potatoes feature prominently in an upcoming storyline." "Would it help if you said something awful about my face or my body?" "Not really." "Would you rub lotion on Balthazar's bald spots?" "Don't leave me long!" "Oh, Christ!" "Oh, Violet, thank God." "Freddie's in a bad way." "Is that because of Ash getting the shirtless part in that film?" "Yes." "He's very depressed, and why do you have a suitcase?" "I'm taking your advice." "I'm going to Hungary to see Kristoff." "That wasn't my advice!" "Oh, please, can't I go?" "For God's sake, Violet, I need you here." "Freddie's an absolute mess." "I'm sure you're exaggerating." "It can't be that bad." "Oh, hello, Violet." "You look lovely today." "Stuart, my love..." "I'm going upstairs." "I'll miss you." "Holy shit!" "Well, I told you!" "See, you can't go away now." "It's worse than I thought." "Ever since Ash got that part," "Freddie has completely lost his confidence." "He's become attentive and kind and loving." "I can't live like this!" "Well, what are we going to do?" "Well, we must convince Ash, somehow, to turn down that film." "Stewie, will you give me a bath, please?" "I swear, if I go up there, I'll drown her." "You've got to help me." "All right, fine." "Oh, thank you, Violet." "You're the best friend I ever had." "Oh, now I'm your best friend?" "I suppose I'm finally forgiven for leaving you alone at that New Year's Eve party 45 years ago." "I knew you remembered!" "Dammit!" "Ash is going to be here any moment." "You remember what to do?" "Yes." "Although it seems rather far-fetched." "How is this going to get him to give up the part?" "All we do is chip away at his self-confidence, make him feel ugly and untalented, until he believes he's completely worthless." "It's easy." "I've been doing it to Freddie for years." "Oh, Ash, come in." "You remember our friend Violet." "Hi." "Sit, sit, sit." "Oh." "Is that always how you walk?" "What do you mean?" "Oh, nothing." "It's just I never noticed it before." "It's sort of..." "Hello, I'm Ash." "This is how I walk." "I'm sure we can fix it, darling." "Maybe with leg braces." "Now, tell us all about this film." "Well, it's about this guy " "And is your speech impediment part of your character or are you going to be speaking properly?" "I didn't realise I had a speech impediment." "Oh." "Well, you do." "But let's change the subject." "Now, when did you get so chubby?" "Violet, please, he can't help that!" "Or his gigantic head." "Can I have a drink?" "Yes, of course, yes." "This is a celebration!" "Is it all right to mix alcohol with your anti-depressants?" "I don't take anti-depressants." "That explains a lot." "I'm usually very happy." "Who are you trying to convince, Ash?" "Me or you?" "Excuse me." "Hello?" "You're going to hell." "Yes, and you're going with me." "Really?" "Yes, I understand." "Of course." "OK." "Thanks." "What's wrong?" "I just got fired from the film." "What great..." "ly upsetting news." "What happened, darling?" "They've gone a different way with the character." "It's because I'm a monster, isn't it?" "Hello, everyone." "Stuart, honey bun... ..would you hold my hand, please, and walk me towards the kitchen?" "Freddie, Ash has some news, I'm afraid." "Is he nominated for an Oscar?" "I got fired." "Oh..." "No." "We're all devastated." "There are so many disappointments in this business, Ash." "I've been a successful actor for decades and even I have the occasional bad day." "I don't think I could ever be as successful as you." "Of course not." "I just filmed Downton Abbey for Christ sake!" "Yeah, I'm not sure acting's for me." "I don't think it is either." "Would you care to stay for dinner, Ash?" "No, thanks." "I feel kind of fat." "Would you excuse me, please?" "I think I'm going to go upstairs." "I'm actually a bit depressed." "Did you ever notice how odd his walk is?" "I am so excited!" "Did you really get to meet Maggie Smith?" "Oh, yes." "She told me she liked my jumper." "Oh, Freddie!" "I know." "Most actors only dream of Maggie Smith complimenting their jumpers." "Oh, here it comes." "My scene." "Balthazar, Daddy's scene is next." "Kick him." "Is he still alive?" "He's fine." "Here it comes!" "Well, what did you think?" "That was it?" "Yes." "You were very good." "Thank you." "Did you notice I dropped a potato?" "I did." "I wasn't supposed to, but they kept it in." "What is wrong with your stomach?" "It sounds like an ocean liner sinking." "Thank God your wheezing is drowning it out." "God, you were shit."