"[JacuzziBoys'"Vizcaya" playing]" "♪♪" "♪ Gonnahaveasmoke♪" "♪' Causethetrain's gonnabeaslowoh♪" "♪HereIgo♪" "♪Livin'so faraway♪" "♪ Viva, Vizcaya today ♪" "♪Ay♪" "♪Ayay ♪ [cheers and applause]" " Ladies and gentlemen, your hosts, Jonah Ray and Kumail Nanjiani" " Yes." "Whoa." "Whoa." " Hello." " Hold on." "Don't hurt your hands." "Don't hurt your hands." " I have a new trick to make it seem like I always know the audience, just point at random people and be, like, surprised that they're here, like, "Yeah." ""Oh, hey, yeah." "Oh, hi."" " There's another side of that going just, like, "Hey." "What the fuck?"" "I didn't know he was showing up." " Father." " Yeah." "Our dads would never come." " No." "[sobbing]" "Your dad has come." " Yeah, that's why I exist." " My... [laughter]" " Ha, that's a great joke." " You did a joke about your dad's come." "I'm not saying it wasn't funny." "I just want to tell you that's what you did." " Yeah, and he also taught me how to swing a baseball bat." " The hosts in black clubs bring you up so different." "They're just like, "All right, y'all, we gonna get him out here."" " "We're gonna see what it is."" " "Yeah, we gonna see--I didn't book him, so"" " That's exactly what it is." " Jonah Ray Rodrigues." " [laughs] Just Jonah Ray is fine." " No, Jonah Ray Rodrigues." "That's your dad's name, right?" "Why are you afraid of it?" " Oh, I--I'm not afraid of it." "My last name is Rodrigues." "It looks exactly like Rodriguez." " Whoo!" " And I live in Los Angeles." " That's your brother whooing in the back." " Probably, probably." " That's your comedian name, Jonah Ray." " I used to sign up for--when I first starting doing comedy," "I would sign above my X, Jonah Rodrigues." "And then I was brought up as--a few times Honah Rodriguez." "[laughter]" "And then--then this would get up onstage and spend the three minutes I had to do material going, like," ""Ha-ha, let me explain." "Uh, that's pronounced Rod-reegs, and, uh," "I'm--I'm Portuguese, but I look white, and..."" " "Anyway, that's my time."" " Yeah, yeah, yeah." " So your porn would be Ray...what is it?" " What is--what is the porn name?" "It's your middle name and" " The street you grew up on?" " Or no, it was first pet?" " The pet and the street you grew up on." " And these are hard and fast rules." " Oh..." " Yeah." " So it's pet and street you grew up on." "What's your first pet?" " My first pet." "Buddy." "Buddy." " And what would your name be then?" " Buddy Kuuleialoha." "[laughter]" " I want to fuck that guy." " Yeah, he's pretty exotic." "That's a good porn name." " Yeah, his special sex move is snuggling." " Yeah." " My porn name would be Mono Clifton." "[laughter]" " Mono?" " That was the name of my cat." " Mono?" " It means different thing in Pakistan." "It means, one, you must not kiss." "[laughter]" " And he got arrested when he was 17, 'cause he--he Amy Fishered someone." "He pistol-whipped them, and the gun went off." " Ooh." " Amy Fisher?" "What?" " Oh, the gun went off?" " That's what Amy Fisher did." "She pistol-whipped somebody, and the gun went off." "And that's--well, because my brother did that same thing to another person, so therefore, I know..." " Here's the dumb--did he get in trouble?" " He went to jail." "He's--he got deported." " Yeah, that's trouble." " He's--yeah." " He got--I didn't know he got deported." " No, he got 12 years in prison and deported back to Ethiopia." " Yo, he had to go to prison and then go back to Africa?" " Wait, that's why when Kumail was not a citizen, anytime we would do anything illegal, I would always be like," ""I'm taking every--give me all the things." "I'll take all the things."" "If anything went down, I'm not having him get deported." "I'm--I can stay here for the rest of my life." "I'm fine, and now he's a citizen, but it's, like," "I had never thought about it." " Now he can get in trouble for his own goddamn shit." " I had never thought about it." " Every time Kumail was pistol-whipping somebody, you were like..." " You were like, "Kumail, just wait till you're a citizen."" " Then you can do anything." " "But if you do it, I got you."" " That--but that could go--you could do all kinds of weird names, though, if you were to do, like, it's, like, so" " Like, if--there should be, like, lawyer name." " Like, what would your lawyer name be?" " That would be, like, your middle-school nemesis and the first car you buy." "[laughter]" " Mine would be, uh, he was a Samoan fella, so his-- my lawyer name would be Tupu Subaru." "[laughter]" "Hi, I'm Tupu Subaru." "Have you been in an accident?" "[laughter] What would yours be?" " Waleed Spectra." " Nice." " Yeah, Waleed Spectra." " Yeah." " I just got a little angry thinking about Waleed, so... [laughter]" "Fashion designer name would be, like, the person you lost your virginity to and the first city you moved to after moving away from your parents." " Mine is perfect." "Monica Santa Monica." "[laughter and applause]" "DJ name." "That would be favorite liqueur..." " And an STD." " Like, an STD you had a scare about." " Yeah, so here--Alizé AIDS." " Gon--Four Loko Gonorrhea." "Which was the original name of Four Loko." " Yeah." "What's another liqueur?" " Hpnotiq." " Wait?" "What?" " Hpnotiq." " Hpnotiq." "both:" "Hpnotiq Herpes." "[laughter and applause]" " I lost my virginity to a 55-year-old Native American drag queen named Larry in a Ford F-150 parked behind a Texaco two blocks away from my parent" house." " Can I ask..." " No one can beat that." " How old were you?" " 19." " Okay, that helps me know how to feel about this story." " Admit to a crime on camera?" " Yeah." "Ahh." " Before the internet, we had..." " GrubHub?" " Gay people met people--like" " In parks." " Well, I didn't have" "We didn't have the fancy park where I was that had the gay, like, look-abouts, and I--there was a party line, where you, like, leave a message, and I was like," ""Hi, my name is Solomon." "I'm a 19-year-old virgin."" "And then my phone just blew up." "[laughter]" " Your phone just melted." " One thing you should know about me is that I am openly gay all of the time." "[laughter]" "I'm also--I'm African." "I--thoroughbred from the source." "[laughter]" "So that makes me a gay African, which I assume means I can make AIDS from scratch." "[laughter]" "Oh, I--I can't believe I just said that." "[laughter]" "Oh, I shouldn't have said that." "Wait." "I can say whatever the fuck I want." "I'm black and gay, so... [laughter]" "There's nothing you nigger faggots can do about it." "[laughter]" " Hey, hold on." "I got water on my pants." "I got water on--I seriously don't" " Is it water?" " It is water." "I don't know what to do." " Is it water, though?" "It's kind of specifically..." " [blowing]" " No, no, no." "Seriously." "It's not a bit." "I don't know what to do." " It's fine." "You can't see it." " It's--you really can't see it." " You can't see it." "It looks like a wrinkle." " Kumail, I'll put water on my pants too." " Huh?" " I'll put water on my pants too; we'll be the" " We'll be the water brothers." " We'll be the water brothers." " Water brothers." " Water boys for life." " This is, like, really bumming me out." " It's fine." "Nobody will notice it at all." " You can't see it." " Can you blow on it?" " [blowing]" " Can you blow on..." " This isn't a bit." " You can't unsee this." " How many straight--are there straight men in this room?" "Come on." "Show that side of confidence that you have." "There we are." "Here you are." "Here you are." "There you go." "There you go." "There you are." "There you are." "You guys like to do this thing where you ask each other's hypothetical question." "Some of you are already familiar with it." "That hypothetical question is," ""How much would you suck a dick for?"" "[laughter]" "Have you ever answered that question before, sir?" "Quit laughing." "[laughter]" "Have you ever been asked that question?" " Oh, yeah." " What was your answer?" "[laughter]" " $5,000." " Have you ever sucked a dick before?" "The hell makes you think you can charge $5,000 for a shitty-ass blow job?" "[laughter]" "You ain't that cute." "[laughter]" "$5,000." "For a reluctant, passionless, amateur blow job." "Sorry, sir." "I don't see it." "[laughter]" "All right, imagine we're at a gay bar, okay?" "And I'm just minding my own business, and you come up to me, and you're like, "$5,000 for a blow job."" "Say it." " $5,000 for a blow job." " Well, okay, um, the gentleman right behind you will do it for a mojito." "[laughter]" "What makes you think you can charge $5,000?" "And for--also, for just a blow job?" "Get the hell out of here." "Do you know the market value of even a good blow job?" "Look, if I spend $5,000, you're never gonna walk again." "[laughter]" " Here he is." "How was it?" " It was the best." "They are the best." " Yeah." " They were the best." " Solomon is back." "He was out there." " He was hot." " I nailed it." " Nailed it" " I think so." "I don't know." " Have you done other TV performances before?" " I have done so much TV stuff, I can't even keep track anymore." " Really?" " No, no." "I can keep track." "I count." " "I count." "I count them all."" " Solomon, welcome to Hollywood." "[laughter]" " All right, let's bring up our next comedian." " No, let's--let's hang out a bit." " Let's bring up our next comedian." " Are you sure?" " Our next" " Come on." "Let's show them." "I just got these pants for the show." "Do you guys like my pants?" " Our next comedian" " I like these pants too." " Please welcome" " Kumail, you show off your pants." " Nice, right?" " Come on." "Come on." "Show them the front." " Our next comedian..." " I think we all want to see the front." " Is hilarious..." " We all want to see the front of Kumail's pants." " One of the best" "I got some water on it, okay?" "It happens to everybody." " When people get water on their pants, they don't freak out this much." " It looks like have--I pissed my pants." "Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha." "Be a grown-up, dude." "You're in your 30s, okay?" "We're not laughing at people peeing their pants, especially when it's just water." "[laughter]" "This is the most embarrassed I've ever been in my life." "[laughter]" " Very excited to bring up our next comedian." " Ladies and gentlemen, Al Jackson." "[cheers and applause]" " [speaking indistinctly]" " You can't see it at all." " No, no, it's good." "It's good." " Stop it." "Way too much." "Bring the expectations down." "What up, y'all?" "Yeah, good times." "Ohh, "Meltdown."" "Good to be here, love living in LA." "I live on the Westside, Culver City." "That means one thing." "Tito's Tacos in this bitch." "Yes, I love Tito's Tacos." "And if you eat at Tito's, like I do, if you don't finish all your food when you're sitting outside, when you go to throw it away, there's a homeless guy that leans on the trash can." "And he'll be like, "Hey, man."" "[laughter]" ""If you not gonna finish that," "I'll eat that for you."" "And here's the kicker." "This motherfucker looks just like me." "[laughter]" "On some real shit." "Like, somebody--like, even my wife was like," ""That homeless guy"--I was like, "I know."" "He looks just like me." "Like, we're all narcissists." "You don't think anybody looks like you." "He looks so much like me that he got me into my head, like," "I'm like, yo, like, how are we living these dual lives where I'm a comic, and he's homeless, and, like, how long is it gonna take me to be homeless?" "Like, clearly we're already eating at the same place." "[laughter]" "So I'm, like, how long does it take you to be homeless?" "And I did a college gig." "I did the college, William  Mary College in Williamsburg, Virginia, and I was going to dinner the night before my show, and one of my homegirls called me and told her her pilot got green-lit." "She was like, "Let's go to a bar."" "And so I blew off dinner, and I did something I'm kind of proud of." "We went to one bar, and we got so drunk, I lost my debit card." "And then we went to another bar, and I lost my credit card." "[laughter]" "Which is kind of like losing both your kids at Disneyworld." "Like, they gonna put your picture up." "So I got super turnt up, Ubered home, and jumped on a red-eye and went to Chicago, 'cause there's not direct flights to Virginia from LA." "I know it's shocking." "And so I'm in Chicago, and I haven't eaten in, like, 30 hours at this point, and I open up my wallet, and two butterflies came out that bitch." "Like, I had no money." "I was penniless in an airport in another state." "I'm trying to drink water." "That shit ain't working." "So I have a four-hour layover, and I take a two-hour flight to Virginia, get to Virginia, and the girl that's supposed to pick me up from the college goes, "Mr. Jackson," ""I'm stuck in chemistry lab." "It's gonna be another two hours before I can get you,"" "and that point, I hadn't eaten in, like, 43 hours." "And I saw a black businesswoman at the airport bar get up and try and throw half her turkey burger away." "[laughter]" "And I literally blocked her path, and I was like," ""Excuse me." "If you not gonna eat that, I'll finish that for you."" "And I thought about the homeless dude at Tito's, and I was like," ""Oh, shit." "43 hours."" "[laughter and applause]" "That's... that's how long it takes to be homeless." " I'm nervous." "Please give me a pep talk." " The crowd is amazing." "You're hilarious." "The love you." " What if they don't laugh?" " They will laugh." " Can I break my set, and then I'll go, "Guys, please laugh"?" " Of course." " Yeah." " You tell them what you want." "You're in control." "You're in charge." "Who's in charge?" " Me." " Yeah, that's right." " Who's in charge?" " You guys too." " No, no, no, just you." " Just me?" " Yeah, yeah, yes, of course" " So all the responsibility: me." " Yeah, yes." " Who's in charge?" " Still me." " Yeah, all right." " I'm here to tell you about a dream I had, which I know is the most boring thing ever, and this is how we're gonna get through it." "It was--it was so real that I believe it was real." "And when I tell you the story, you are not allowed to listen knowing it's a dream." "You have to listen as though I'm telling you a thing that really happened to me." "I am in a building." "I don't know what building it is." "It looks like a building I've been in before, but it's a little different." "I don't know what city it is." "It doesn't matter." "I took a giant elevator." "I've been in this elevator before." "Oh, it looks like an elevator that I took when I was in" "Australia at this theater." "Oh, I recognize that, and then I go into a downstairs part, and I go, I don't recognize this." "And I'm sitting there, and I'm at some kind of comedy festival it would seem, and Prince is backstage, and he's just sitting there, and there's a bunch of, like, comedy boys" "around, and I don't know these guys either." "And I'm thinking, "He probably assumes, like, Dave" "Chappelle's gonna be here," like, I can--and, you know, you all know Prince." "He probably saw a sign that said "comedy," and he's like," ""I bet my friends are there," and then, like, he sees people that look like-- you know, like," ""Meltdown" people, and he was just probably sitting there confused, and so I came in, and he just looked at me, and he turned, and he smiled like this, and he goes," ""What's a podcast?"" "[laughter]" "Now, in this true story that absolutely happened," "I don't remember what I said, but it was sort of a combination of something that explained a podcast and completely dismissed a podcast." "And it might him laugh, and he went... [snorts] [laughter]" "And he said, "What's your name?" And I said, "Jen Kirkman."" "And he said, "Jen Kirkman, you're fun."" "And then I just sat there, and then he said," ""I'll be right back." "These guys asked me to do a podcast."" "And so that's why he was asking." "And so he came back in the room, and he said," ""I told the guys I don't want to do their podcast, that Jen Kirkman should do their podcast."" "And they said they don't want Jen Kirkman to do their podcast, so I'm gonna go do their podcast, but you're gonna come with me, Jen Kirkman." "And he grabbed my hand, and we went into the theater where the three dudes were onstage hosting a podcast, and I walk in holding Prince's hand." "And he sits me in the front row like a prince does to his princess, and then he gets up, and he starts fucking with these guys who did not want to interview me but want to interview him." "So every question they ask him, they'd be like," ""Prince, what do you think of this?"" "And then he would turn and look at me in the front row and go," ""I only care what Jen Kirkman thinks about that."" "And then he'd keep looking at me." "[laughter]" "And he'd look back, and they'd go, "Uh, well, what do you think of this?"" "And he'd go, "I only care what Jen Kirkman thinks of that."" "[laughter]" "And then--"Last question." ""Prince, if you could meet God, what would you ask him?"" "And he said, "I'd ask him why he never put Jen Kirkman in front of me before."" "And the audience gasps, and then he grabbed my hand, and he whispered to me, "It's on, you and me forever."" "[laughter]" "And we went--oh, we went backstage, made out, and then he said to me, "I'm so in love with you,"" "and I said, "Me too," and he said, "Would you give up everyone in your life for me?"" "And I said, "Yeah," and it was very easy to do, and he was like, "Your parents, your friends,"" "and I was like, "Fuck 'em all." "I hate these people."" "And, like, I don't even care if he turns out to be a fucking nightmare." "By the way, in real life at this point, he's dead, but I'm like, "I don't care if this doesn't make sense,"" "and so he said, "You're coming to Paisley Park."" "I said, "Of course I am."" "And so then I woke up the next morning, and I hadn't opened my eyes yet, and I was like," ""Here I am in Paisley Park." ""This is gonna be amazing once I open my eyes in my new life,"" "and I opened my eyes, and I was just in my room, and I was like," ""What the fuck?" "No!" "No." "No," and I start sobbing, and I canceled--I had meetings that day." "I had things to do that day." "I canceled everything, and I laid in bed and cried, not 'cause he died." "I was already over that." "Because it wasn't to be that I could give up my life for Prince." "I mean, I was like, "This life sucks." ""What is this, an apartment?" ""Oh, God." ""What this phone full of phone numbers of people" ""that care about me?" "Oh, fuck them."" "[laughter]" "And I realized that I'm right to have depression and anxiety." "My life is awful compared to that dream." "There is nothing good about waking up every day." "It is a disaster." "The only reason I don't kill myself is 'cause I'm afraid of death." "Do you understand?" "And so I wanted to have that dream again, and I couldn't." "And then I read something online." "Prince doesn't believe in time or space." "And I was like, "That's interesting," and then someone tweeted me, "Did you know that the week before you performed at the Melbourne Arts Centre, Prince was there?" "There's only one elevator to the green room." "He was in it the week before." "He doesn't believe in time and space." "His energy was still in the elevator." "Mine got in." "We're in some-- you see, the dream really happened." "[laughter and applause]" "Thank you guys so much." "[cheers and applause]" " Give it up for good-old delusional Jen Kirkman." "[laughter]" " Her life is a lie." " All right, hey... both:" "That's our show." " Thank you so much for coming." " You guys have fun?" " This is the poster for the show." "You can go buy it." "Please buy it." " By Dave Kloc." "Dave Kloc's the guy that did all this too." " He did all this." "Gethomesafe." "Havea goodnight." "Thankyousomuch ." "Thankyou." "[cheers and applause]"