" Hey, Katie." " Hi, uh, Teddy and I want to show Emme" "The Princess Bride." "Is she old enough?" "Yeah." "Well, uh, wait." " Yes." " Yes." "Like I said, yes." "Oh, man." "Teddy never puts away his iPad." "Oh, my God." "What?" "See for yourself." "That's a naked lady." "On Teddy's iPad." "He's 11." "And there's a naked lady on his iPad?" "That's not so bad..." "it's just the top half." "God, I can't believe" "Teddy's going online and looking at pictures of naked women." "And then leaving the computer out." "Rookie mistake." "That doesn't sound like him." "Wait a minute..." "Was this you?" "No." "I like a little more of a story." "I'm old-fashioned." "Hey, come on, don't you supervise him when he's online?" "When he's online?" "He's online all the time." "If I was gonna watch what he's doing, I'd have to... quit my job and give the other two kids away." "Oh, I know." "My precious, innocent Teddy isn't so innocent anymore." "Now he's-he's just like... one of you." "Hey." "She's not wrong." "(stammers) Look at her." "I mean, why is it always some hoochie mama?" "I mean, where are the naked doctors?" "Naked astronauts?" "Naked presidents?" "They're out there." "Put dot com at the end of any one of those, you'll find it." "Okay, look... we can't just let Teddy sit around and look at the top half of naked women." " W-What are you gonna do?" " What am I gonna do?" " Yeah." " Oh, no, no." "You are gonna have the birds and the bees talk with him." "Oh, the talk?" "Oh..." "Well, can't that wait until he starts looking at the bottom half?" "Because that's where the questions come in." "No, Adam, there's no avoiding this." "I do the girls, you do the boy." "It's your job." "All right, fine, I'll handle it." "Thank you." "Oh, and when you talk to him, d-don't mention the pictures, okay?" "We don't want there to be any shame involved." "How do I talk about this stuff without shame?" "They go hand in hand." "Yeah, shame's what makes it hot." "Ye..." "No, we're not trying to make it hot, Don." "No, and if you want, um," "I got this book" " to give Kate the talk." " Oh." "And the book came with these two anatomically correct dolls, Sandy and Randy." "Educational body buddies." "They look just like regular dolls." "Oh, well, um... take a look under that Velcro flap." "Oh!" "Looks like Randy just got out of the pool." "Teddy." "Hi, Dad." "Hey, buddy, uh..." "You know," "I was just thinking that, uh, maybe we should have a conversation about where babies come from." "So, why don't you tell me what you know, and, uh, I'll fill in the rest." "Okay." "Well, a man and a woman lie down together, usually in a bed." "Ah, you're a traditionalist." "I like it." "Then a golden egg appears between them." "Uh, a what now?" "A golden egg." "The woman eats it and a few months later she has a baby." "Uh-huh." "Then the man falls asleep and the woman yells at him." "You nailed it, boss." "Yeah." "There you go." "Okay." "How did it go with the boy?" "Well, one of us is wrong about where babies come from." "And, uh, I'm pretty sure it's him." "So he didn't know anything?" "No." "So I bailed." "And I think that's okay." "I mean, no one ever had the talk with me." "I did." "When you were eight." "I told you babies came out of your butt." "And you believed me." "Oh, yeah, I forgot about that." "That was not cool." "Every time I went to the bathroom I was afraid" "I was gonna have a baby." "I got to go back up there." " Even I know that's the right thing to do." " Yeah." "Hey, come with me." "If the two of us are there, it'll seem... it'll seem more like a casual conversation." "Okay, yeah." " We're family." " Mm." " We help each other out." " Okay." "(door closes)" "Teddy." "Yeah?" "So, uh... turns out that your golden egg theory was a little off." "So I'm here to give you the real story." "And I brought two friends of mine." "This is Sandy and this is Randy." "And they really, really love each other." "Okay, uh... hold on to your hat." "And, uh, that's pretty much that." "Now, I know it's a lot to take in, but, uh..." "You, uh, you doing okay there, buddy?" "I, uh..." "Here's ten dollars." "Buy yourself something nice, okay?" "Oh, hey, honey, I have a-a safety meeting at the hospital, but I brought home some pizza for the..." "What happened to you?" "Well..." "I just put on a pornographic puppet show for my only son." "Well, hey, you had the talk with Teddy, that's great." "(scoffs)" "Yeah, and a puppet show, you found a way to make it fun." "I wouldn't call it fun." "I was just gonna give him the basics, but.." "he kept staring at me." "So I kept filling the silences with more detail." "You know, and, and the quieter he got, the more I explained, and... and then, 'cause I thought I'd never see happiness in my son's eyes again," "I gave him ten dollars." "Okay, well, I-I don't know if combining money and sex is a great first lesson." "I was buying a ticket out of that room." "I would have paid anything." "(groans)" "Was it this horrible when you had the talk with Katie?" "No, but, you know, mothers and daughters understand each other." "There's a lot more unsaid than said." "Oh, I had to explain everything." "Starting with what goes where." "He had no idea about the where." "And, honestly, he was a little hazy on the what." "He... but he has a what." "He doesn't know what the what's for." "Okay, but he-he was looking at those pictures, he must have known something." "Not a clue." "A-And the new information?" " He doesn't love it." " You know what, honey, he just, he needs some time to process this, that's all." "Like that time in the mall bathroom when he saw Santa Claus at the urinal." "Oh, yeah." "Yeah, and Santa said to Teddy" ""I'm sorry, I couldn't ho-ho-hold it." Yeah." "Yeah, I know." "I mean, he got through that, he'll get through this too." "I don't know." "Explaining to him what men and women do, saying it out loud?" "I was just as shocked as he was." "We should be ashamed of ourselves." "Oh, you're in bad shape." "Yeah." "Uh, look, honey, I'm sorry, I can't get out" " of this meeting, but I..." " It's okay." "I'm really proud of you for handling this." "You want some crackers for your tummy?" "Yeah, that-that sounds nice." " Thank you." "Okay." " Okay." "I'll, um... (clears throat)" "I'll get home as-as soon as I can." "All right." "(door closes)" "Hey!" "You're moving, that's good." "(chuckles)" "Why did you tell me that stuff?" "I thought we were friends." "Well... because of the pictures." "What pictures?" "The ones you were looking at on your iPad last night." "I wasn't on my iPad last night." "Kate borrowed it." "Katie?" "Why would Katie be looking at that stuff?" "I don't know." "I don't know anything anymore." "I'm gonna take my pizza out to the swing set and remember what it was like to be a child." "Okay, buddy. (chuckles)" "Hey, uh, Teddy, listen, um..." "That thing we talked about upstairs, right?" "It's good." "Even when it's bad... it's good." "Can we stop talking now?" "Yeah, okay." "Why do you have Teddy's iPad?" "Well, because there are some very interesting pictures on it." "Why are you telling me?" "I never had it." "Oh, well, he says you did." "Hey, let's go question him together." "I'll be the good cop, and, you, you be the cop that lies about being on the iPad." "Come on." "Okay." "Fine, it was me." "Wh...?" "Why?" "I was getting changed for gym, and... some girls have small ones and some girls have big ones and some girls have..." "really weird ones and I just," "I wanted to see what the average was, I don't know." "I-I don't want to talk about it and everything's fine." "O-Okay." "Okay, I get it." "That, uh... that makes sense. (chuckles)" "Here's ten dollars." "Go buy yourself something nice, okay?" "(sighs)" "Look, honey..." "I think you're perfect." "Okay?" "And, in the future, when you have questions like this, just ask Mom." "Okay?" "Because... she gave you the birds and the bees talk, so you already have, you know, open channels." "We never had a talk about that." "What?" "She never showed you any dolls?" "Wh-What?" "Dirty dolls... have you seen them?" "No, I learned all about that stuff in health class at school." "What?" "They still teach that?" "I could've stayed completely out of this?" "Oh, I have been misinformed about a lot of things lately!" "It's butt babies all over again!" "Hey, honey." "How was your night?" "How's Teddy?" "Not bad, liar." "What?" "A lot happened tonight while you were gone." "Yeah." "Turns out it was Katie who was looking at those pictures on the Internet." "Are you serious?" " Mm-hmm." " Our Katie?" "Yeah, yeah, and that's just the beginning of the revelations." "(quietly):" "I also found out that you never had the birds and the bees talk with Katie like you told me you did." "Uh-oh." "Yeah." "Yeah, you talk the talk, but you don't talk the talk." "Okay." "Okay... (stammers) I meant to talk to her." "I bought the book and the dolls." "And then when I went up to her room, she was sitting there, playing with a stuffed unicorn." "I just couldn't do it." "Teddy was playing with a yo-yo, but I powered through." "Okay, but, you know, then I thought I would just wait for a natural time, when she'd say something." "And-and then, you know, I'd say," ""Hey, it's funny you should bring that up."" "But that never happened." "And then, one day, I got a, you know, a permission slip for a special health class." "So, you know, I just... let it ride." " Let it ride." " Yeah." "Did not know that was an option, Mrs. Pants On Fire!" "Oh, come on!" "You are not mad because I lied... you're mad because I figured out a way to get out of this and you couldn't." "I outmaneuvered you." "No!" "It's because... yes, that's exactly it!" "Well, congratulations." "You almost got away clean." "Wh-What do you mean, "almost"?" "Turns out Katie was looking at those pictures because she has some intimate, private lady questions about her body." "Hmm?" "Questions that only her mother can answer." "Fine, I will talk to her tomorrow." "Mm." "(groans)" "This is gonna be so awkward." "I hope so." "Katie..." "Katie, Katie, Kate, Kate. (chuckles)" "What's up?" "(clears throat)" "So..." "I'd like to tell you the story of my breasts." "KATE:" "Oh, my God!" "Please stop talking!" "(door slams)" "Kate sounds mad at Mommy." "Isn't it glorious?" "I finished my lunch, Daddy." "Can I go play?" "Yes, go play." "That's what the world needs." "(sighs) All right, I still got one." "Well, uh, Kate and Teddy are gonna pass on lunch." "They said they don't think they'll ever be hungry again." "Well, it's official." "We are really bad at these talks." "And yet so good at the thing itself." "Well, that's because we don't talk during the thing." "We tried once." "You got bossy." "You know, the problem is that n-now we've made this subject so horribly awkward for our kids, and we need to undo it." "Otherwise, they're never gonna talk to us about anything." "You're saying we have to have another terrible talk to ensure future terrible talks?" "Exactly." "I thought if I said it out loud it might change your mind." "Emme's gonna stay upstairs, right?" "Yeah, yeah." "I gave her a bowl of candy and shut her door." "Ooh." "We won't see her for a while, but, when we do, she's gonna be riding the dragon." "Okay." "Let's do this." "All right." "BOTH:" "Hey..." "Oh, no." "Okay, guys, I..." "I think we kind of screwed this whole thing up, all right?" "We made what happens between a man and a woman... u-upsetting." "Or a man and a man and a woman and a woman." "What?" "!" "Okay, don't worry, don't worry." "We don't have the dolls for that." "The point is that we want you guys to feel comfortable talking to us about any questions you may have." "Yeah." "Exactly." "We don't want you to go to the Internet." "We want you to come to us." "Because, really, all this is totally natural and beautiful." "ADAM:" "Exactly." "Like-like when your mom and I..." " Ugh!" " Okay, okay, okay." "Not us." "Two-two other people, like, uh..." "Patrick Dempsey." "Patrick Dempsey?" "All right, fine." "Then I'm going with, uh, Jennifer Lawrence." "She is half your age." "Hey, when I imagine these things, I'm half my age, too." " What are you guys doing?" " ANDI:" "Okay, okay." "H-Here's the point." "(clears throat)" "When these things happen, two human beings connect on a very intimate level." "I-It's not about the mechanics." "It's... it's about the love." "Now, here's how we should've explained it in the first place." " Just like we practiced." " Yeah, I got it." "(clearing throat)" "Hello." "I am a man." "And I have loved you for a very long time." "And I am a woman." "And you look like a good project for me to improve." "Very funny, Sandy. (chuckles)" "Now that we've finished college, let's take the next step." "I am just so glad we didn't meet in a bar." "Hmm." "Should we make a baby?" "Heck yeah!" "It's our biological imperative." "Hey, let's call our parents and discuss our options." "Or we could just walk over there, because we love them so much, we live right down the street." "The end." "Of act one." "ANDI:" "What are you reading?" "The book that came with the dolls." "Surprisingly, there's a few things in here I thought we could try." "Really?" "Mm." "Yeah." "Might I direct your attention to this illustration, and ask that you pretend they are not cartoon bears." "I-I think he's just giving her a massage." "Nah." "No, no, no, no." "Look at the smile on her face." "Something's going on with that back paw." "Mm-hmm." "Hello." "I am a man." "And I have loved you for a very long time." "Well, hello." " I am a woman." " Mm." "And I think your project does not need improving." "Aw." "Turn off the lights." " So bossy." " Oh... (chuckles)" "So what did you bring for show-and-tell today, Emme?" "This." "Ah." "These are special dolls that my mommy and daddy have." "Mm." "And what makes them so special?" "This does." "Oh, dear Lord!" "Everybody, heads on the desk, eyes closed!"