"I'm not sick but I'm not well" "And I'm so hot" "Cos I'm in hell." "'Urgh!" "More data entry tonight." "'I guess the only good thing is that my life is so boring 'it feels like it might go on forever." "'Maybe I'll put on Big Bond Themes 'and pretend I'm data entering for Ml6.'" " Hi, honey, you're home!" " Hi, Jez." "You know how depressed you are about getting married?" "What?" "Let's not drag that up now." "I'm looking forward to it, that's the line." "It's possible I might find a way out." "It's in four weeks, Mark." "It's going to happen." "Look, no matter how unpalatable it may be, the fact is" "I'm your best friend and I know you don't wanna hear it, but I love you." "And in your own dried up, desiccated, weird and unfriendly way, you love me too." "So I've got together my last scraps of cash to give you the stag weekend of your dreams!" " Really?" " Yes." "I've booked us a canal boat near an Iron Age area." "You can go and look at the Iron Age, or whatever it is you do, and I'll make us some steaks." "I've sent off for a chess set and I'll learn how to play, but if I'm not good enough then there's a computer setting." "Or I'll be pretending to play but really you'll be playing the computer." "OK?" "Oh, well, that's... nice." "That..." "That actually sounds fun!" "Unfortunately, as I said, I think I might not be getting married after all." " Oh?" " Yeah." "Sophie's twigged something's not right and she's arranged for us to see a relationship counsellor." "Right." "And yet you seem excited because?" "It's all gonna come out!" "The whole disgusting mess!" "She'll wheedle it all out!" "It'll take hours to break me down, but then it'll all spill out and Sophie won't be able to shout at me as there'll be a professional there." "And none of it's even my fault!" "It's all my so-called subconscious!" "I want you both to relax." "This is just a safe place where I'm going to listen to whatever you have to say." "'Oh, yeah, here we are, the field of screams, the torture chamber, 'the emotional dungeon.'" "You've got this wedding coming up." "How are you both feeling?" "'Oh, she is good." "Here it comes." "Let it all flood out just gently.'" "Mark?" "Me?" "Oh, I'm-I'm-I'm feeling... pr-pretty positive." "Obviously there's some tiny doubts." "'Don't overdo it.'" "Mainly about the catering." "Well, that seems perfectly normal." "Sophie, how about you?" "Well, I just wish I felt that comfortable." "'Hold on." "Is that it?" "Is that my go finished?" "'Did she just believe what I said?" "What kind of counselling is that?" "!" "'She didn't wheedle anything out of me!" "'How can I blow my emotional beans if she doesn't at least give me a wheedle?" "'" "Plus, obviously, Sophie mentioned on the phone about the sexual problems in your relationship." "Sorry?" "The sexual problems in your relationship." "Oh!" "Right." "Are there?" "Well, I just feel, I don't know, unfulfilled." " Unfilled?" " Unfulfilled." "Right." "Well, l-l-I mean..." "I suppose I thought that... maybe Sophie might be one of those women who... who find it difficult or-or-or even impossible" " to attain... to-to achieve..." " No, I'm definitely not one of those." "Right." "What would you say if you felt that you weren't going to be judged?" "I'd say..." "I'd say, um..." "'This isn't gonna be good.' ...often, Mark, you ejaculate... quite a long time before I've had time to feel like I've started to enjoy our sex." "Uh-huh." "Thanks for that, Soph." "Great." "Well, I'll make a note of that." "Well, th-this has been great, just a great... time." "Mark, it's all right, we've got 45 minutes yet." "Really?" "45 minutes." "'Great!" "I'll be spending £1 a minute to hear how shit I am at sex!" "'Now, that's value for money!" "'" "So good to just get away." "Oh, yeah." "The stag aquatic." "So come on, let's max out the engine a bit." "Tear it up." "Actually, this is almost top speed." "What if we hit trouble?" "I don't think we'll hit trouble on the Shropshire Union Canal." "Right, but this is just it?" "This is totally it?" "There's not gonna be any waves or mad shit?" " No." " Can I water ski off the back?" "You're very welcome to try." "Jesus!" "Well, let's stop here, then, and go for a drink." "Jez, it's ten in the morning!" "What else are we gonna do?" "Freeze our nuts off talking to each other?" "What the hell are we gonna talk about?" "I dunno!" "Stuff!" "Banter." "Chat." "Isn't that what you had in mind when you organised this thing?" "Sure." "Yeah." "S'pose." "So how do you feel now the wedding's back on track?" "Not that." "Right, not that!" "Well, what then?" "I can't think of anything to say." "You start." "Hey, is that a kingfisher?" "For God's sake!" "If we're gonna talk, let's talk about something proper, like films." "(Mark) 'Urgh, films." "Another hour of my life gone 'trying to explain to him what The Matrix is.'" "(Jez) 'This weekend is gonna be one massive dry hump." "'Maybe the pressure will build to the point 'where we actually try to fuck each other.'" "Jeremy, you promised you'd play with apparent enthusiasm." "Yeah, well, I'm sorry." "You can so tell this game is over a thousand years old." "Yes, it's very sophisticated." "It's your move." " I don't wanna play any more." " Because I'm winning?" "No, not because you're win..." "I don't even know who's winning!" "Here, Mark, I tell you what, you piss in this bottle, I'll drink it." "What?" "What the hell for?" "For a laugh!" "It's the stag!" "No, Jez." "If you drank my piss I'd feel violated." "Oh, that is great." "You wouldn't even let me drink your piss." "I'm not trying to kiss you." "It's liquid waste." "I'm sorry, but no." "You wouldn't let me drink your piss?" "Why would you even want to drink my piss?" "!" "For a laugh!" "What the hell made you think of that?" "I'm just bored, OK!" "I'd let you drink my piss." "Oh, thank you very much." "Oh, come on, let's get out of here." "Let's go and get you some sweet punani action." "I don't want sweet punani action." "I wanna take your bishop and grind you down." "Here, look, take it." "And the horsey." "Come on, man!" "Couple of pints, couple of hotties." "Yeah?" "Come on, tiger, let's roar!" "'Oh, God!" "I wish I lived with the chess computer." "'The chess computer wouldn't make me do things.'" "I'm stagging you." "I'm stagging you by the back door." "This is your stag." "I don't want a hangover, Jeremy." "I want to be almost asleep by 11." "Two yards of ale, please." "It's his stag." "Yards." "Really?" "Hello." "Check it out, Mark." "Oh." "Yeah." "They're eating." " Let's go and say hello." " No, let's definitely not." "Come on, man!" "No, look, really, they're eating, we're drinking." "They want it." "The whole world isn't Zoo magazine." "Everybody isn't just wanting it the whole time." "People have a wide range of emotional states." " Like what?" " There you go." "Well, they might be feeling pensive or full of hubris, melancholic, amused or just numb." "Bollocks." "They're hot and they want it." "Come on." "God!" "Hey, there." "We just wondered if you don't mind hanging out with a couple of yardies, whether maybe we could join you for a drink?" "I'm very sorry." "Why not?" "(Mark) 'Oh, God, this is awful!" "'It's so obvious." "We don't just want to chat, it's not just friendly." "'They know exactly what we're doing, and the horrible thing is 'they don't even seem to mind.'" "I'm Aurora and this is my sister, Lucy." "Jez and Mark." "You're the first people to talk to us all night." "Oh, apart from the British Kidney Foundation guy with the stickers." "Yeah, right." "Mr Freebie looking for a handout." "Yep." "So listen, what can I get you two?" "How about a foot of wine?" "Can I get a metre of vodka..." "with an inch of tonic?" "'Come on, Mark, turn it on!" "Play the game!" "'" "Oh, naughty." "You've combined metric and imperial." "You might get an interdenominational..." "You know, from mixing the two measurement systems, a hangover of that kind." "'Just stay mute, Mark." "'You're a social freak." "'Remain in your compound.'" "So that's great you're in a band." "What's it called?" "Oh, right now we're called Various Artists just to fuck over people with iPods." "We think it'll set us back two or three years, which is cool." "So you've got a great canal boat." "We're canalists too." "We love canalling." "Actually it's our dad's." "Right." "The upkeep must be a nightmare." "The..." "The mooring costs alone... (Jez) 'He really knows how to murder a vibe.'" "You'll have to excuse Mummy." "Mummy?" "Wow, doesn't your mum mind the dog being called?" "Oh, God, no." "Mum's dead." "Mummy's just had lots of lovely babies, haven't you?" "Naughty, slutty Mummy." "Right." "So have you got a girlfriend?" "'Technically, a fiancee is not a girlfriend.'" "You know not... not really." "I had a boyfriend till last month." "He was a bit hippy for my taste." "Plus a lot of umming and ahhing." "So one day I turned round to him and I said, "Benny, it's time to shit or get off the pot."" "Oh, right, and did he?" "Oh, yeah, like a shot." "Luce, will you give me a hand looking for the secret bottle of voddie?" "'Oh, God, vodka!" "It'll be an orgy." "'Great!" "Disappoint three people instead of just one!" "'" "This is going great." "Things are going to happen." "Nothing's happening." "Forget about Sophie, all right?" "You're allowed a freebie on the stag, like Pedge in Estonia." "When he had sex with a prostitute and gave his wife that aggressive yeast infection?" "It's what people do." "Just get on with it." "I don't like her!" "I don't fancy her!" "Do you think Pedge fancied that hooker?" "Of course he didn't!" "He didn't let that stop him." "He did the right thing." "I just wanna go to bed!" "You can't." "There are two of them, there has to be two of us." " I'm gonna go to bed." " You're not going anywhere." "You can't say you're going to bed at nine in the evening." "You're gonna sit there and talk about something funny you've seen on reality TV, and stop going on and on about the euro." "We're in it now and there's nothing you can do about it." "We are not in the euro, Jeremy!" "So you can have your squalid little night." "I'm gonna go and read Roy Jenkins on Winston Churchill." "Oh, here we go." "Dad's back." "Ahoy there!" "Oh, that's a shame." "I was looking forward to having some fun." "'Dodged a bullet there." "Although maybe not." "'My attraction to her is so minimal for once I might have been able to do it for hours." "'An endless, joyless fuck session.'" "(Mark) 'I'm not wearing them!" "They're Hitler's boots!" "'I'm not wearing Hitler's boots!" "'What the hell's going on?" "!" "'Why are we moving?" "!" "Jeremy can't be up!" "'Someone's trying to steal the boat!" "'Pirates!" "I'm being Shanghaied!" "'" " Morning, shipmate." " Jeremy, what the hell is going on?" "I'm just getting going." "Couldn't let them get away, could we?" "Ah, this is a new one - water stalking." "It's not!" "It's just friendly!" "Ahoy there, shipmates!" "Jeremy!" "Last one to lunch at the Lamb and Flag in Garsington is a loser." "Ha!" "You're on!" "Warp factor three, please, Scotty." "'Oh, great, I'm Scotty." "'He's cross-breeding with the beautiful aliens 'and I'm stuck in the engine room 'with the probably cancer-emitting fuel cells.'" "So I'm not in a relationship right now." "I've just been hurt too many times, you know." " Really?" " Yeah." "It's like I've got a river of pain running through me, from here right the way down to here." "Kind of like Jim Morrison or Russell Brand." "Jez has offered to do the shopping run and no-one else is fit to drive." "Reckon you can handle a 4x4?" "Sure." "No sweat." "'4x4!" "Piece of piss!" "Probably.'" "So you're in the credit racket?" "Yes, that's my... racket." "I should pick your brains." "That's my new setup in Bangalore, a credit call centre." "God, you've got fingers in so many pies." "How d'you keep track?" "Dad comes up with a brainwave and then he hires a load of little people who never went to university to work out the details." "'I'm with the business elite, shitting on the little guy.'" "Brilliant." "I'm looking for an associate who can help me staff up." "Got any contacts?" "Anyone who could handle a management role?" "Oh!" "Right." "I'll have a think." "'Oh, my God, India!" "'Could be my way out." "Goodbye Sophie, 'goodbye sexual humiliation, hello Corrigan the neo-colonial overlord.'" "I thought for a minute you were gonna ask me!" "Pretty big step up for you." "You're a kind of a numbers droid." "Not really." "I'm..." "'Oh, my God!" "'I've entered an interview situation and there's a hand near my cock!" "This is like that dream I had about Alan Sugar and the badger." "I have experience of managing a team." "But this will be 300-odd employees!" "Yes, but I've developed a portfolio of skills over the last three years, which enabled me to rise to new challenges with ease." "'Maybe this is a test." "She can't actually fancy me." "'Or a trick." "Maybe they're Johnson and Sophie wearing masks 'and this is all being paid for by MTV and the Playboy channel.'" "'God, look at me drive." "I'm Clarkson.'" "Are you sure it's OK to put in unleaded?" "We always normally do diesel." "Oh, trust me, these babies run on anything." "So after we dump the shopping, do you wanna go for a little stroll?" " Just the two of us?" " Yeah." "Cool." "Do you wanna turn this around and I'll see you in a sec?" "'I think I love her." "I think I'm falling in love... 'or getting a bone-on, which is basically the same thing 'when you get rid of all the Valentine's cards and bullshit.'" "Come on, Mummy." "'Oh, yeah!" "Pissed and stoned in a gas guzzler." "This is the life." "'AIready given a quid to Greenpeace this year, so I'm golden.'" "DOG WHINES" "'Not the dog." "Not the dog!" "'Shit, the dog!" "'" "'Oh, yeah, this is cool." "Just don't think about the dead dog." "'lf I don't think about it, there's always a chance it didn't happen.'" "Let's roll, cowboy." "Where's Mummy?" "Mummy?" "Yeah." "I let her out for a piss." " Are you sure she was with us?" " She was on the back seat!" "She must've run off." "'Except she definitely hasn't cos I'm carrying her round in this bag.'" "She never just runs off!" "She is a wild animal." "You know, the call of the wild." "She might've become leader of a pack of foxes or..." "Jez, it's Mummy." "We're not just leaving her!" "'Why did I put her in the bag?" "!" "I should've thrown her like a discus.'" "Mum-my!" "Come on, Jeremy!" "Mummy..." " Mummy!" " Mummy..." "Oh, God!" "I don't know what I'd do if I lost her!" "'Well, you're very close to finding out.'" " Mummy!" " Mummy!" "And in the last quarter at JLB," "I personally presided over an increase of close to 17%." "(Groans) My mate Carly again." ""Oh, I'm so sad, I'm gonna take a load of pills, muh, muh, muh."" "Same shit, different day." "I'll catch you up." "'Wealthy, lovely family." "If only she wasn't such a horrible person, 'she'd be the woman of my dreams.'" "Mark, if anything did happen, how quickly could you up sticks, though?" "Anything tying you down?" "'Does a marriage count?" "'" "No." "Not that I can think of." "Wherever I lay my hat, pending legal searches, that's my home." "Cool." "So, you and Lucy seem pretty sweet on each other." "Oh." "Yeah." "What do you think of her... honestly?" "'I think she might have a borderline personality disorder.'" "I think she's..." "lovely." "Oh, that's nice." "I'll tell her that." "OK." "Great." "'Maybe instead of marrying Sophie I should just marry Lucy." "'No, stop trying to marry everyone, Mark!" "No need to marry people!" "'" ""Hey, it's Sophie." "Please leave a message."" "'Answerphone." "Yes!" "'" "Hey, Soph, sorry to have missed you." "Having a great time on my stag." "Bye." "Let's speak soon." "'AIthough probably not, because I know when you're busy 'and that's when I always ring you.'" " Guess what, Jez." " What?" "Malcolm's headhunting for co-manager of his Indian call centre." " Right." "So?" " There's a chance, a slight but very definite chance, that I could be off to India." "And you know what that means - won't be able to get married." " No?" " Of course not!" "Sophie couldn't ask me to turn down the opportunity of a lifetime!" " Couldn't she come?" " Oh, no, there... there'd be visa issues, endless complications." "No, I'm afraid to say this could put a great deal of strain on the whole relationship." "Brilliant." "Well done, mate." "He's nibbling but he hasn't bitten yet." "So I'm just gonna get Gerard to e-mail through my CV and then wow him with a big pitch." "So, you'd just... go?" "Oh, Jez, don't look like that!" "You could always come!" "You could start again, find a new career." "I could be your butler." "I'd be the Maharaja, you'd be my white concubine." "I could probably live like a king on a tenner a week." "I'd do fuck all." "Just lie around smoking dope and have a bit of a go on the washing-up before you got home." "I'd probably get a record deal just because I've been to Carnaby Street." "I'll be the coolest man in India." "And maybe we can get one small servant." "'We'll need a servant." "These leftovers are from two nights ago, 'and he never empties the bin." "'Oh, God, I bet it's bursting at the seams with used condoms and porn.'" "Fuck!" "Aah!" "There's a..." "There's a dead beast in our bin, Jeremy!" " All right, keep your voice down." " A dead dog in our bin!" " How has this happened?" " There's no point shouting about it." "Well, why not?" "!" "Jeremy, is this..." "Mummy?" "!" "Look, earlier, in the 4x4, I had an accident." "I mean, the clutch on that thing..." "Oh, right!" "Brilliant!" "You've killed Mummy!" "What the hell is it doing in our bin?" "!" "I had to hide it." "Aurora had me looking for it for about four hours." "Then she made me make posters." "But... the bin, Jeremy!" "The bin's for household waste, not beloved pets, et cetera!" "Mark, if I can just get rid of the dog corpse, there's a chance I still might get laid here." "Oh, right." "This is sort of like a disgusting version of The Great Egg Race!" "This doesn't feel great." "It's not great, Jez, that's why." "There's no chance of it being traced back to us now, though." " Cos it might've been micro-chipped." " Exactly." "No." "All things considered - my career prospects, your sexual desperation - this is probably the best thing to do." "There's a hell of a lot of steam." "Yeah." "As it turns out, dogs do seem to be mostly water." "Well, it's going a bit, just not the legs." "Put the legs back on in the middle." "Maybe it'll burn better." "If you hadn't refused to pay for firelighters it would've gone by now." "You shouldn't need firelighters to burn a dog, Jeremy!" "How would you know?" "Shit, it's going out." "Look, I've gotta get my pitch sorted before I see Malcolm." "We'll have to bury it." "Get the spade." " What spade?" " You didn't bring a spade?" "Do you think I'm some kind of freelance dog-murdering Mafia man?" "Oh, great!" "So we've got no fire, no spade." "We'll just have to dig with our hands." "Jeremy, there are many things I would do to help you, but digging a hole in the wintry earth with my bare hands so that you can bury the corpse of a dog you killed is not one of them." "'I'll just take it to one of those massive council bins." "Dump and run." "'Just like my paperboy days." "(Chuckles) Screw you, Murdoch.'" " Jeremy." " Hi!" "This is my last poster." "How did you get on?" "Yep." "Good." "Got rid of all of mine, too." "'Just keep lying till the kissing can start." "'I mean, it'd have to be a fucking good poster to get that dog back.'" "I might call it a day and head back to the barge." "Coming?" "OK." "'Shit." "Gotta dump the evidence.'" "BAG FALLS" "Jeremy, you've dropped your bag." "Yeah." "So I have." "Thanks, honey." "'Just act normal." "I'll tell her what happened immediately after I've come.'" "And as... as you can see I've been in the top ten percentile of performers at JLB for the last three financial years in a row, so..." "'Shit!" "I'm losing him!" "'" "And if you look at the bottom, you'll see that my hobbies include history and going to the movies." " I like going to the movies." " 'Of course you do." "Everyone does." "'Man seeks woman." "Must be interested in film, 'breathing oxygen and converting protein intake into muscle energy.'" "Hi, guys." "We're interrupting." "We should probably..." "Sit down, Jez!" "Join the party!" " (Lucy) Any luck?" " No." "Still nothing." "Bollocks." "OK, Dad, time to turn on the money hose." "Up the reward." "(Mark) 'Fucking hell!" "He's got Mummy!" "'He's brought a dead dog into my pitch, the stupid bastard!" "'" "Sorry, Mark." "Carry on." "What were you saying?" "Er, yes, as I was saying, I..." "I love cinema, especially the films of" "Spielberg, Lucas and the man who did The Usual Suspects." "What's in the bag?" "Oh, er, Mark and I had a... barbecue." "Oh, a barbecue." "Yum." "Have you got any left?" "No." "No, not really." "No, we were really hungry." "You have got a bit left, I can see." "Well, it's really, really badly cooked." "Mark couldn't be bothered to get firelighters." "Well, just keeping a handle on the purse strings there." "ABC, Always Be Cost-cutting." "Ah-ha!" " Come on, Jez." " I really don't think it's a good..." "Oh, we've only got cheese and humus." "What is it?" "It doesn't look very much like..." "It's turkey." "It's turkey leg." "Is that all right?" "What can I tell you, I'm no Ainsley Harriott." "It looks weird!" "What's going on, Jeremy?" "Nothing!" "It's just turkey, look." "You see." "Mmmm, just..." "undercooked, disgusting turkey." "Hey, Mark, would you like some?" " No, thanks." " Here, eat some turkey." "No, Jeremy, it's not my turkey." "I really feel, since I'm eating turkey, you should eat some turkey." "It was your idea to barbecue it." "I really don't feel like eating turkey, Jeremy." "I'm full." "'I'm eating dog leg." "I have definitely reached a new low.'" " What's that on it?" " Urgh!" "There's hairs on it, Jeremy!" " Hairs?" " It's just a hairy turkey!" "What's this? "Mummy"?" "Mummy is probably the turkey's nickname." "It could easily be." "They ate Mummy!" "They burned Mummy, killed her and ate her!" "WAILING" "Look, er, I'II..." "I'll e-mail through my references, Malcolm." "Aurora, I'll call you." "Fuck off, Jeremy!" "(Mark) 'Guess not fitting my CV onto one side of A4 is basically irrelevant now.'" "(Jez) 'Probably good things didn't work out, she is totally over-reacting!" "'It's not like I ate her mum or dad!" "'" "Did you actually have to eat it?" "I don't know." "I keep wondering that." "But, y'know, in the moment it really did feel like I needed to eat it." "Paranoia, paranoia" "Everybody's coming to get me" "You say you never met me" "I'm running underground with the moles" "Digging holes."