"[Car Engine Revving]" "# Doo, doo-doo, doo, doo doo, doo #" "# Livin' in the U.S.A. #" "# Doo, doo-doo, doo, doo doo, doo #" "# Livin' in the U.S.A. #" " # Where are you goin' to # - [Drill Sergeant] Present arms!" "Right shoulder." " # Do you think that it will be easy # - [Drill Continues]" "# Do you think that it will be pleasin' #" "# Hey, hey, what'd you say I will pay #" "# I'd rather play It's my freedom #" "# Don't worry about me, babe I've got to be free, babe #" " Brass!" " # Hey, hey, hey #" "# Livin' in the U.S.A. ##" "[Man On Radio] This is WBXT, the voice of Fort Baxter." "All personnel are invited to join Sergeant Bilko in the motor pool... for a demonstration of proper sparkplug maintenance... today at 0420, 0530 and 1455." "Those times again:" "0420, 0530..." " and 1455." " Did you win?" " Nope." "Private First Class Wally Holbrook reporting for duty." " First assignment?" " Yes, ma'am." " Relax." "Do you know where you're assigned?" " Motor pool." "I'm a mechanic." " Okay" " Motor pool!" " Yes, I" " You're going straight to the colonel." " Colonel?" "What'd I do?" " How old are you, son?" " Nineteen, sir." "Nineteen." "So young." "I'm a first-rate mechanic." "My two uncles owned a garage down in Allentown." " Do you have any money?" "Give it to me, please." " Yes, sir." "But I" "It" " It's all right." "My word, there must be $500 in here." "Seven hundred." "I worked at my uncle's" "You're going to take $700 in cash into Bilko's barracks?" " Yes, sir." "Who, sir?" " [Sighs]" "Give me your hat, please." "Sergeant Bilko." "Master Sergeant Ernest G. Bilko." " Well, good luck and Godspeed." " Thank you, sir." "Remember, if you need anything at all, need any help," " the old colonel's door is always open." " Thank you, sir." " Sir?" " ## [Whistling Sousa March]" " ## [Loud Rock] - [All Shouting]" " [Woman] Come on, Duane." " [Man] Come on, baby." " I'm lookin' for Master Sergeant Bilko." " You're too late, no more bets." "No, no, no." "I'm reporting in." " Come on, Duane!" "Pull!" " Dig deep, baby!" "## [Rock Continues]" "Come on!" "Come on!" " Come on!" " [All Shouting]" "# I've been bad I've been good # # ln Dallas, Texas Hollywood #" "[Grunting]" " [Neighing] - ## I ain't asking' for much #" "Ooh!" "Agh!" " # Lord, take me downtown, I'm just lookin' for some tush # - [All] Pull, pull!" "He's got the wrong shoes!" "Doberman's wearing the wrong shoes!" "He's got no traction." " [Neighs]" " And this horse!" "This horse was not this lively this morning!" "I want this horse drug tested now!" "Someone, quick." "Get a urine bottle and a mop." "Hey!" "What's goin' on?" "It's Private Doberman." "He's the one who looks sort of human." "Last night Doberman said, "I feel as strong as a horse."" "Some guy from Company "P" overheard him and said, "Yeah?" "For how much?"" "That's the golden rule." "You don't say nothing unless you're prepared to back it up." "No, no, not across the line." "Don't go across." "Back." "Just" " Back." "Back." " [Snap] - [Cheering]" " Are you all right, Duane?" " Sarge, I can't do this anymore!" "You did your best, Duane." "What's money, anyway?" "So, Bilko, I finally won one." "Pay up." "[Sighs]" " Hurry up." " Oh, so now we're on a schedule?" " Shall we go once more?" " Sarge!" "Please, no more." "No more, Sarge." "Nothing could make me put you through that again." " He's finished." "He's a loser." " No one calls one of Bilko's men a loser!" "I ought to-- Hold me back!" "Aah." "No, no!" "Let me go!" " You wanna double the bet?" " D-Double the bet!" " Ha!" "You're serious." " Sarge, no!" "What's the matter, Ernie?" "Scared?" "Sarge, please." "That's all the platoon's money, every cent." "This is beyond money now." "This is a matter of honor." "Okay, the bet is 1,000." " [Soldiers Exclaiming]" " Sucker." "[All] Yeah!" "Hey, you can't do that, man." " [Bilko] Ready, Duane?" " Sure, Sarge." "See?" "He was just rollin' up the bet." "He's like a god." "[All] Duane!" "Duane!" "Duane!" "Duane!" "Duane!" "Duane!" "Duane!" "[Horse Neighing, Soldiers Shouting]" "Duane!" "Duane!" "Duane!" "Yeah!" "Yeah!" "Walk him around and wipe him down!" "Not the horse!" "Doberman!" "That M-2 Bradley Fighting Vehicle is property of the United States Army." "I want it back by tonight." "We have rules!" "Rules and regulations." "I have your rental agreement right here." "And if you blow anything up, it's coming out of your deposit." "Teenagers!" "So irresponsible." "Sarge, you said I could count the take." " She got to last time." " Stop fighting." "I feel like I'm running a day care center." "Actually, not a bad idea." "We could keep 'em in the storeroom." " Luis, how many kids on the post?" " Personal dependents under five." " 293." " Mmm." "Get me the sum total of all their allowances." " Hey, in the storeroom?" "Kids?" " Zimmy, they won't die." "In fact, that'll be our motto:" "They won't die." "I'll count the money." "Rocky, make sure the horse gets back to Knott's Berry Farm." "Private First Class Holbrook, Walter T., reporting in for duty, Sergeant!" "Sarge, Holbrook is a tech school terror." "First in his class, motor vehicle maintenance." "A real, live wrench-turner, here?" "It's so crazy, it just might work." "I'll introduce you to the boys and girls." " [Sniffing]" " What's the matter, Sarge?" "Don't you smell it?" "It's money." "This is Sergeant Henshaw and Sergeant Barbella." "See them about dances, raffles, tickets, plus they'll let you know when the gift shop's open, so if you need any personalized stationery, magazines." "But not subscriptions." "See Morales about that." " Towels" " Towels?" "Doesn't the army issue towels?" "[Scoffing] Army!" "Get him a set." "The fluffy ones." "The introductory price." "Come on." "Place your bets, ladies and gentlemen." "This is Dino Paparelli." "You're gonna laugh; you're gonna cry." "You're gonna love this scrappy little Italian." " Hiya." " Sam Fender." "Fender's motto in life is simple:" " An indictment is not a conviction." " Damn straight." "That's manly talk." "Mickey Zimmerman." "Tragically, Zimmerman was born without a personality." " Hello." " Luis Clemente." "This guy is smart, very smart." "He has an l.Q." " Hello." " See what I mean?" "Tony Morales." "The only thing you need to know is this:" "He doesn't take showers because it fogs up the mirror." "Finally, the man-child of the hour, the master of disaster, the king of the universe," "look out, girls, he hates to dine alone:" " Private Duane Doberman!" " Aw, Sarge." "Doberman doesn't take showers either, but for a much more frightening reason." "My orders, Sergeant." "Everything seems to be in order." "Henshaw will take your bags." "Don't worry, he's bonded." "Do you have a valid license?" " A driver's license?" " If you don't, we can make one up." " Henshaw, get the camera!" " No, no, no." "I have a license." "It's right here." "My wallet!" "Oh." "Here it is." "[Chuckles]" "Empty." "It's in your hat, isn't it?" "Good boy." "Oh." "Oh." "There must be six" "No!" "Seven hundred dollars in here." "Good." " Well, you can start with this." "The colonel's car." " Okay, what's wrong with it?" "It's the odometer, Wally." "It says 12,000 miles, and it should say 11,000 miles." "Tony drove it to Lake Tahoe over the weekend to go to his grandmother's funeral." " I'm sorry, Tony." " When I say "go to his grandmother's funeral,"" "I mean visit his niece." "When I say "niece," I mean lady friend." "Look." "I'm winking." "Look at my eye." "You want me to turn the odometer back?" "[Gasps] Yes." " I can't do that, Sergeant." " Can't!" "He said can't!" "Ohh!" "Sarge, are you all right?" " Whew!" " Can't is a four-letter word in this platoon." " [Exhales]" " I cannot violate regulations unless it's a direct order, in which case I would have to ask Master Sergeant Bilko to sign said order." "I'm asking you to do Tony a favor." "See, we're all like family." "Any one of these men would take a bullet for you." " Well, not in the chest." " No, no, not in the chest, but certainly in the thigh." " Permission to speak freely!" " Are we in Russia?" "Say anything you want." "You men are soldiers!" "Guardians of freedom!" "I don't think there's a man or woman who's taken his service seriously!" "You know what?" "I'm gonna kill him." " [Bilko] Fender!" " [Holbrook] Hai-ya!" " [Fender Yelps]" " Hi-ya!" " Oh!" " [Clemente Groans]" " This is the stuff they should be teaching in the army." " They are." " No kidding?" "Here's a moldy oldie for all our friends in the motor pool." "# Ridin' along in my automobile #" "# My baby beside me at the wheel #" " # I stole a kiss at the turn of a mile #" " Brass!" "# My curiosity runnin' wild #" "# Cruisin' and playin' the radio #" "# With no particular place to go #" "# Ridin' along in my automobile #" "# I was anxious to tell her the way I feel #" "# So I told her softly and sincere #" "# And she leaned and whispered in my ear #" "# Cuddlin' more and drivin' slow #" " # With no particular place to go ##" " Sarge!" "The horse!" " Where are we gonna hide the horse?" " What horse?" "All right, men!" "Faster." "The army needs these vehicles." "[Pounding, Rattling]" "Bilko?" " [Pounding Continues]" " Sergeant." "[Loudly] Sergeant Bilko!" "Fall in, men!" "And get into a rectangle!" " Hut!" "Hey!" " Oof!" " Agh." " Very good." "As you were." "He means go back to what you were doing." "Colonel Hall, you look fantastic, sir!" "Have you lost weight?" "Why, a couple of pounds maybe." "Uh, Nell and I have been sweating to the oldies." "Ah." "Sergeant, I'm here to see about my car." " I'm afraid we're still working on it, sir." " You've had it a week and a half." "I thought I saw it last night on lnterstate 30." "There." "Thank God I have a witness." "Thank you, Captain Moon." " The colonel thinks I never test-drive the vehicles." " [Sniffing] What is that?" " [Fly Buzzing]" " Horseshit, sir." "I tell the men, "Test-drive the--"" " What's it doing there?" " It keeps the flies off the food, sir." " There's no way you can tell what's wrong with an engine" " Off the food?" "It's an experimental program." "The results are mixed." "[Snorts]" "It's a lot cheaper than sending out for it, sir." "And fresher too." "Bilko, have you gone mental?" "This is not the cavalry." "You can't bring livestock onto the post!" "Of course, you're right, sir!" "Assemble horse platoon and get that horse out of here!" "Double-time, soldier!" "Sergeant, please, tell me about my car." " Do you know anything about cars, sir?" " No." " Ah." "You see that sort of pointy thing?" " Yes." "It seems that it's impinging on the browned, round thing with the spots." " You see, when Henry Ford first" " Colonel Hall." " Corporal, what is it?" " Permission to speak privately, sir." " Of course." "Excuse me, Bilko." " Absolutely." " What is it, Corporal?" " The Pentagon called." "The Pentagon!" "How did they get my number?" "They're sending a team, sir, to observe tomorrow's hover tank test." "Why?" "It's just a preliminary" " Ohh." " What is it, sir?" "They're closing a lot of military facilities lately." "[Sighs]" "What if they're planning to close Fort Baxter?" " Bilko, do you know anything about this?" " The colonel flatters me." " How could I, a master sergeant" " Well, you seem to know everything before I do." "I'm sure it's just routine." "Anyway, come back anytime." "Call first." " I tell you men, serving under a great leader like Colonel Hall" " He's gone." " I'm hungry." "What time is it?" " 12:00." "We ordered Chinese." " Pentagon brass, Sarge?" "I don't like it." " Relax." "It's just army stuff." "It's got nothing to do with us." "Did you say 12:00?" " Yeah." " Today's Saturday?" " All day." " Saturday at noon." "I have a strange feeling I'm supposed to be somewhere." "Hmm." "I'll kill him." "[Sighs]" " Poker game?" " No, no." " Racetrack." " No, no." "It was something else." "[Sighs]" "My, that's a lovely dress." " Thank you, Reverend." " Is it new?" " No, I wore it the last time the lying shitheel stood me up." " Ah." "[Brakes Screeching]" " [Pedestrian] Hey!" " [Car Horn Honking]" " [Tires Squeal] - [Crashing, Honking]" "[Crunch, Honk, Squeal]" "[Old Lady] Ohh!" "Nice catch." "Give me the ring." "You were the best man last time." " He didn't get married last time!" " It's my turn!" " How you gonna be best man?" " Just give me the ring!" " [Softly] But you can't hate him." " I can, Daddy." "I hate him." "Sweetheart" "Where are you going?" "Nobody leave." "You came to see me get married, and you're going to." "And I don't particularly care who to!" "Sweetheart!" "I know you're upset." "Daddy, stay out of this." "I know what I'm doing." "Nelson." "Are you busy?" "Will you marry me?" "I love you." "I just never realized it until now." "Well, the thing is, Rita," "I'm engaged..." "to your sister." "And?" "[Bell Tolling]" "Don't ask." "Don't even ask!" "Okay, ask." "Funny face, funny face, you won't believe what happened." "There was this busload of sweet little old geriatrics." "They went rolling down a mountainside!" " [Gasps]" " Do you think I'm an idiot?" "Ask Wally." "He's new, a real straight arrow, never told a lie in his life." "Wally?" "See?" "Sweetheart, sweetheart." "Oh, baby, angel puff." "You're overreacting!" " It's just" " Ooh!" "Bad turnout." " It was full an hour ago." "Oh, sweetie-- [Gasps] I'm well!" "Sweetie, what can I do to make it up to you?" "Just tell me." "I'll do anything." "I've been waiting for seven years." "What do I want?" "I want my seven years back!" "I can't live like this, Ernie!" "I've got a maid of honor on call 24 hours a day." "I'm the only woman in Roseville with a wedding dress that's falling apart from wear." " I'm sorry." " I think you love me, Ernie." "But you're so slippery, it's impossible to know what you're thinking!" "Well, thank you." "I don't understand what you're so afraid of." "You know what I wanna do right here, right now?" " No." "Don't." " [Card Deck Snaps]" "No." "No, not this time." "Don't." "Please!" "One game to 500." "Don't." "Please don't." "Spade." "It's a double!" "[Exhales] Triple boxes to 500." "Penny a point." " A four?" " Yes." "[Grunts] Oh, two." "Yeah." "Come on." "Here." "Go, go." "What's up?" "Well, Rocky and I were talkin' to Wally while you and Rita were in the church." "That's a nice girl, and we don't like the way you're treatin' her." "He's right." "You're treatin' her like a rube." " Wouldn't you be happier in the navy?" " You jilted that girl." "She'll probably have to change her name and move." "Will you relax?" "Rita and I have a special relationship." "You think she expected me to marry her today?" "Of course not." "She expected me to do just what I did." "It's a game." "Someday you might lose that game, Ernie." "Very good, men." " Make sure it's tight." " Tight?" "Whatever." "So, Major Ebersole, tomorrow's the big day." " How's she look?" " I hope it won't be too humiliating, sir." " Well, what's supposed to happen?" " Well, theoretically-- and I wouldn't bet the farm-- the hover tank will lift off and hover several inches above the pond." "Good." "Very good." "Yeah." "Then it will engage the targets." "The" " The cannon." "Boom." "The ammunition dump." "Kaboom." "That truck." "Boom." "Excellent." "One thought." "Maybe it should be:" "boom, boom... then kaboom." "You know, save that kaboom for the very last?" "Kind of like a hoo-ha grand finale." "What do you think, Major?" " I'll make a note of it, sir." " Good!" " Missed me." " Now run!" " Ow!" " Yeah." "Gotcha." "[Clemente] Hey, there goes the sarge, man." " Sarge!" " Hey, Dobie, come on." "Let's go." "Hey, Sarge!" " Sarge, you get married yet?" " Not yet." " Aw!" " How did Rita take it this time?" " She's happy." "She took forty bucks off me in a gin game." " Oh, she's great!" "Paparelli." "How are those tickets goin' for the Meet Stormin' Norman Barbecue?" " It's a sellout." " Did you find a look-alike?" " We found one." " Ahh." "No wonder they call me a master sergeant." "You know, kids, things haven't always been this good." "When I first got my stripes at Fort Dix, naturally I considered it my responsibility... to provide the hardworking men and women... with some wholesome recreation." " You ran the gambling." " That's right, Fender." "But there was this lieutenant, Lieutenant Colin Thorn." "A lunatic." "I mean, real smooth on the outside, but underneath, barbed wire." "He rode me like a jockey." "Pools, raffles, card games;" "I couldn't do anything." " It was like being in the army." " Raid!" "All right, come on, baby." "Let's go!" " Hi." " [Bilko] Finally, I got a break." "They held the division boxing finals at our post." "You couldn't stop people from betting on it." "It was a toss-up." "Now, to me, that's just sloppy." "I like an event in which I know the outcome beforehand." "It's more organized." "[Bike Bell Dinging]" "I get to one of the young pugilists, and we reach a business accommodation." "For a fifty-fifty split of all our winnings, he agrees to give less than a supreme effort in the squared circle." "[Rocky] You paid him to take a dive." "[Bilko] Of course." "I had this corporal working for me, Leo Klutz." "The night of the fight, I give him the money to pay off my fighter." "Leo misunderstands and gives the money to the other fighter." "This fighter's a little surprised but figures what the heck, it's a good price, I'll go down." "Meanwhile, my guy figures Bilko must have meant I'll get the money after I take the dive." " I'll go down anyway." " So both fighters think they're takin' a dive?" " Exactly." " What happened?" "Boxing history." "For three rounds, nobody hit anybody." "It was a dance recital." "Finally, I think out of boredom, one of the guys connected with a right." "[Grunts]" " [Crowd Booing]" " What the hell's goin' on here?" "[Bilko] Lieutenant Thorn took it as a personal insult." " You okay?" "Did it hurt?" " No." "Very cute." "[Bilko] It looked like Thorn was paying off the fighter." "He was cooked." "They decided they didn't have enough evidence to court-martial him, but they shipped him off to Greenland." "Game, set and match:" "Bilko." " Some story, huh, kid?" " Permission to speak freely?" "Again, permission!" "Okay." "You dealt with Lieutenant Thorn very dishonestly." "Never mind that." "What happened to him?" "Thorn." "I don't know." "I don't know what happened to him." "Colonel John Hall, garrison commander." "Welcome, Major." "Come right this way." "## [Bugle: "Reveille"]" "[Snoring]" "Doberman!" "Wake up!" "[Coughs, Snorts]" "## ["Reveille" Repeats]" "[Men Snoring]" "Come on, everyone!" "Up and at 'em!" "[Moans, Groans]" "Let's not miss one minute of this beautiful day!" " [Glass Crashing]" " Hey!" "Get outta here!" "I'll get the sarge!" "Now you guys gonna be in trouble." "## ["Reveille"]" " Hey, Sarge!" "Get up." "Hurry!" " What's the matter?" "Everybody take cover!" "Gather all the men!" "Man the battle stations and-  ## [Bugle Continues]" " What's that music?" "I understand, Major, that this weapons system is in the experimental stage." "But I think you're going to be very impressed with the... noise." "It's a powerful piece of equipment." "Colonel." "I really urge you not to go ahead with this." "Ah." "Major Ebersole, Major Thorn." "Major Ebersole is the brain behind the hover tank." "He's the one..." "really responsible." "Thank you, sir." " Can we get on with this?" " Of course." "You good to go?" " All right." "Let's light this candle." " [Scoffs]" "Hoo-ha!" "You know, with all the base closings and downsizing, a lot of people have been jumpy." "Ready, Colonel." "[Hall] This is exciting." "Okay, start her up." "[Sighs]" "[Engines Roaring]" "[Rattling]" "[Glass Breaking]" "It still needs work." "[Sighing] Fire." "Of course." "Get out!" "Watch out!" "Yeow!" "Ah." "Let's go, campers." "It's 10:00 a.m. Time to start the day." "Mornin', Sarge." "Doberman, it's that time of the decade." "You're taking a shower today." " Do I have to?" " Everyone feels pretty strongly about it." "Here's the petition." "Aw, Sarge." "What are you sitting there for?" "You were full of energy at 6:00 a.m." "I don't think the guys like me." " Oh, what makes you say that?" " They wrote me a note." ""Wally, we don't like you." And they all signed it." "Yeah, that's Doberman's "X."" "Speakin' of Doberman, can I please have another roommate?" " Why, what's the matter with Doberman?" " He wet his bed!" " Oh, well, once in a while." " No." "He did it from across the room." "Major, please!" "At least won't you stay for lunch?" " Do you like chicken casserole?" " No." "Well, Major, let me be frank." "A negative report from you would be the death knell for Fort Baxter." "We've been in sort of a slump" "Nine years without a successful test?" "That's not a slump; that's a tradition." "But, Major, think about the men, their careers." " My career." " Colonel, you play the hand you're dealt." "This isn't exactly the career I had in mind when I got out of O.C.S.:" "Shining a seat with my ass in D.C.;" "visiting every dumpy little post." "I thought I'd be a colonel by now or maybe even a general." "Sorry." "What I saw today was a dust cloud that cost $70 million." "Good morning." "Wait!" "There's a lot more to Fort Baxter than just R and D, Major." "We have an award-winning, hoo-ha commissary." " Try the chicken casserole!" " And our softball team won the division title last year, and Sergeant Bilko's platoon is in the glee club finals!" "I'll certainly keep that in mind." "Did you say Bilko?" "Yes." "Is that Ernie Bilko?" "One and the same." "Maybe I will stay for lunch." "Well, hoo-ha!" "lgnite that chicken casserole, Captain Moon!" "Yes, sir!" "Now, where did that one go?" "Hey, you're eight over par, Sarge!" " Well, fix it." " Sarge, they let you do this?" "I never asked." "They'd probably say no." "It is an army post." "[Dog Barking]" "[Soldiers Chattering]" "All right, I got five to one on Lover's Knot." "Twenty bucks says I can hit the parking lot." "I don't gamble." " Well, what is it you do do?" " Permission to speak" "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "Go ahead." "I get up every morning, and I get dressed to protect the American way of life." "Would you tell me that later tonight so I don't have to take a sleeping pill?" " [Thorn] Bilko!" " [Club Whooshes]" "[Whispers] It can't be." "Lieutenant Thorn!" "Actually, it's Major Thorn now." "Well, congratulations." "Ernie, how are you?" "I didn't know you were still in the service." " I would have looked you up long ago." " I'll bet." "Colonel, is he still the same rascal he was at Fort Dix?" " [Chuckles]" " That's one way of putting it." "You changed my life, friend." "Remember that little boxing match?" "Boxing match." "Hmm." "That made me a new man." "You remember how stiff and uptight I used to be?" "Thanks to this character, I discovered you can't treat people that way." "I'm a better man for it." "Thanks, Ernie." " Sure." " [Dogs Barking]" " What was that?" " Greyhound, sir." " How long will you be with us, Major?" " Not long." "Colonel, what do you say we have some of that chicken casserole?" " Absolutely, and some jellied yams as well." " Ha." "Let's get back to the barracks and cancel everything:" "the dances, the raffles, the mud wrestling, everything." " # lf the house is a-rockin' don't bother knockin' # - [Laughing]" " # lf the house is a-rockin' don't bother knockin' #" " Whoa!" "[Glass Shattering]" " Yeah, baby!" " # Kick off your shoes Start losing' the blues #" "# This old house has got nothin' to lose #" "# Start spreadin' the news #" "God, I forgot it's the play-offs!" " We won!" " Sarge!" "Here's the money from the blade rentals." "Stop, stop!" "Put that away!" "Stop, everyone!" "[Radio] # Ridin' along in my automobile #" "# My baby beside me at the wheel #" "# I stole a kiss at the turn of a mile #" "It's Colonel Hall with Major Thorn." "Looks like a surprise inspection." "Inspection!" "Now?" "Look at this place!" " E.T.A.: 90 seconds." " Think." "Think." "I've got to think." "Where's Alpha Company?" "Field exercises." "# So we parked way out on the Kokomo #" "# The night was young and the moon was gold #" "# So we both decided to take a stroll #" "# Can you imagine the way I felt #" "# I couldn't unfasten the safety belt #" "# Cruisin' and playin' the radio #" "# With no particular place to go ##" "Um, which way are we... facing here?" "Uh, well... it would have to be this one here." "# Over hill, over dale we have hit the dusty trail #" "# As those caissons go rolling along #" " # Keep on rollin' # - # And it's hi, hi, hee in the field artillery #" " Bilko." " # Sound off your numbers loud and strong ##" "Ten hut, platoon!" "Major Thorn would like to look over the barracks." "An inspection!" "I wish we had a little more time." "We're not prepared." "It gives me a thrill to see what a first-rate top kick can do with a platoon." " Why don't we have them stand by their rooms?" " Certainly!" "Sergeant?" "If the glee club misses practice, I won't be responsible" "I said line up in the hall!" "[Bilko] Hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut!" "Hut, hut, hut, hut, hut!" " Is this your room, soldier?" " Yes, sir." "Follow me." "Who's this?" "It's the cast of my favorite TV show, sir:" "The African-American Hour." "Oh?" "I've never heard of it." "It's on cable." "It's funny." "But it also makes you think." "Ah." "Hmm." "[Toy Squeaks]" "Are these yours?" "It is my understanding that you can no longer ask me these questions, sir." "It's a new army, Major." "We're all adjusting." "[Sniffs]" " Whose bunk is this?" " Uh, mine, sir." " That corner is not squared off!" " I told you to make this bunk!" "I don't want any of your excuses!" "Drop and give me 20!" "Ha!" "[Grunts]" "All right." "One." "We're going for one." "Colonel, you're a very courageous man." "Oh!" "I saw a little combat duty in Kor" "Courageous?" "What do you mean?" "Thumbing your nose at army regulations." "But I guess your men come first." " And 20." " My men?" "First?" "What does he mean, Bilko?" "This soldier, sir." "I'd say he's about 50 pounds over his allowable weight." "What are the chances of that being discovered and your being blamed?" "Blamed?" "Sergeant, I want this man at regulation weight within six weeks." "Got that?" " Yes, sir!" " [Moans]" "Adelaide, of course we'll get married, sooner or later." "Nathan Detroit, after 14 years, it is already too late to be sooner." "I'm from Rhode lsland, where people do not remain engaged for 14 years." " They get married." " Then why is it such a small state?" "Miss Robbins." "I don't get it." "Why would Adelaide stick around if he, like, disses her all the time?" "Doesn't she have any self-esteem?" "[Chuckles] Well... that's a very interesting question." " [Bilko] Certainly is." " Ernie!" "What are you doing here?" " Did you get the flowers I sent you?" " No." "Darn." "I'll call Fed Ex and have 'em put a trace on it." "That's right, sweetheart." "Nathan's a hustler." "He's irresponsible, and he's careless with the truth." "But there's one thing he never lies about:" "how much he cares for Adelaide." "See, that's his core, and she knows it." "Okay." "Let's take a break for ten minutes." "And that was... really good." "Wonderful." "Ernie, I've been thinking, and I don't think we should see each other anymore." "Sweetheart, you promised to go to the Rusty Spur with me." " You never give up, do you?" " Come on." "Come on, sweetheart." "Go to the Rusty Spur with me like old times." "All right, but you've got 30 days." "If this finger... is still naked in 30 days, it's adios, Pepe." "I mean it this time." "This is your last chance." "Major." "I'm Lieutenant Oster and this is" "Lieutenant Monday." "We're here from the inspector general's office, sir." "I asked for the best number crunchers!" "I hope that's what they sent!" " If there's been any malfeasance," " Or embezzlement-  we will find it." " This guy's been feeding off the khaki tent for years." "He's a master sergeant." "His name is Ernie Bilko." "Get him!" " Forget it, Bilko." " But, sir!" "The moment my boys heard about these desert maneuvers, every one wanted to volunteer." "We still haven't gotten over being left out of Desert Storm." "How those orders got crisscrossed, I'll never know." "But if we could go on these maneuvers, it would make up" "You must think I'm a nincompoop, Sergeant." "A nincompoop?" "An N.C.P.?" "On the contrary, sir." " You're one of the finest officers" " Las Vegas!" " What, sir?" " The desert maneuvers are 15 miles from Las Vegas, Nevada." "Really!" "I had no idea." "Won't that be fun?" " Lake Mead, Hoover Dam." " Forget it, Bilko." "You've got bigger problems." "Two hatchet men-- excuse me, hatchet persons-- from the inspector general's office are here to audit the motor pool accounts!" " I wonder who tipped them off." " Yes, I wonder." "[Woman] Fort Baxter." "How may I direct your call?" " Motor pool?" " Listen, Bilko." "I might tell you this whole post... is skating on thin ice with hot blades." "Don't let them find anything." " Is the colonel suggesting a cover-up?" " A cover-up!" "Why, no." "Is there..." "anything to cover up?" "No, sir." "Good." "Then l-l'm not suggesting one." "Just do... whatever it is you do to make these things go away." "# I can't help myself #" "# Bad habits #" "# I'm runnin' wild #" "# Lost control #" "# Well, I must confess #" "# 'Cause I can't repress #" "In the last two months you billed the army for 72 windshields?" "Yes, that was a mistake." "One of my men, Private Buttersworth, had a hairline crack in his glasses." " A crack?" " Yes, ma'am, a hairline crack." "So to him it appeared as though all the windshields were broken." "I transferred him right out." "That's the way I am." "She's crazy about you." "Every time you're not looking, she stares." "Just missed it." "Sergeant, in the past two days, we've discovered a number of possible irregularities." " If you can't produce receipts" " She's staring again." " Just missed it!" " # It's plain to see #" "# That a boy like me #" "# Has got so many bad habits #" "# Yeah, all of these #" "# Bad habits #" "# Whoo All of these #" "# Bad habits ##" "[Game Bells Ringing]" "Nothing?" "You found nothing?" "Every ounce of my training tells me he's hiding something." " Every time we're about to get our hands on something" " It dissolves." "I know." "It's like trying to nail Jell-O to the wall!" " No." "It's like a magician." " He's got you watching his left hand" "And his right keeps pulling rabbits!" "Then, let's tie his hands." "Ernie, will you dance with me tonight?" "That's up to you." "Last time I stepped on your knee." " Well, what if they play our song?" " We have a song?" " Ernie!" "Don't you remember the very first time-- - # Only you ##" "How could I forget?" "When they play it, you and I are gonna dance... the most romantic dance we've ever danced in our life." " You promise?" " That's a promise from Ernest G. Bilko." "# Yeah, put some drive in your country #" "# Keep country driving' on #" "# When the music gets you movin' #" "# You know it can't be long ##" "Baby, this is our night." "Just us." "Just you and me." "All night long." "No soldiers." "What do you want to do?" " Let's go shoot some pool." " Ah!" "Oh, yeah." " Hey, Sarge!" "You're late!" " [All] Hey, Sarge!" "[Doberman] We been waitin' to celebrate!" "Those bean counters didn't know if they were comin' or goin'!" " Yeah!" " I know." "Sometimes I'm so damn good I scare myself." "Just us, huh?" "[Travis Tritt] # lf you see her out tonight #" "# And she tells you that it's just the lights #" "# That bring her here #" "# And not her loneliness #" "# That's what she says #" " I'll go get us a couple of drinks." " Okay." "# Every word she says #" "A scorpion and a brandy Alexander." "# That's what she says ##" "The future Mrs. Permission To Speak Freely?" "Oh, no." "I mean, I don't know her." "I never" "I" " I don't know her." "[Music Ends]" "[Travis Tritt] Thank you very much!" "Listen." "We'll be back..." " in just a couple of minutes." " Come on." "I'll introduce you." " You know her?" " No." " She's with someone." " A detail." "Wow." "Mmm." "Ah." "You must be in Bravo Company." " No, Charlie Company." " Charlie Company!" "Haven't you heard?" " Heard what?" " You're all shipping out." "Operation Vacuum Cleaner." " That's all I can say." " Operation Vac" "I want this man's name." "I want it known that in this crisis, this man chose to sit here and eat bar nuts." " I-l didn't know!" " Go ye into the-- Yo!" "Hut!" "Hut!" " Hut!" "Hut!" " [Table Crashing]" "All right." "Now I'll settle this." " Hmm." " Excuse me?" "You were right." "Those are the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen." " Did he say that?" " Ohh, yeah." "He said your eyes were like two diamonds sparkling on a clear summer night." "The old sergeant's eyes didn't see what he saw." "Anyway, here's the twenty bucks I bet you." "I think the least you can do is sit down and buy this young lady some dinner." "Sit down and buy dinner!" "Go!" "Hey!" "Ah, to be young again." " That's my sergeant." " Oh." "[Female Vocalist] # But I really had a ball last night #" "Oh!" "Major Ebersole, boys." "Welcome to the Spur." "Oh, I've been here before." "Uh... five years ago." " I had... a Scotch and soda." " Well, good." "A place depends on repeat business." "They're repainting the All Ranks Club, so we had to move our poker game down here." "Poker." "I've heard wonderful things about that game." "Can I watch?" " You don't play poker?" " No, I'm pretty busy... down at the motor pool, up to my elbows in grease." "Maybe I could join-- Oops, no there's a problem." "I don't have any change." "We can make change." "It's okay." "Oh, goody." "I get to play cards." "# Long way home just to think of an alibi #" "# Well, I couldn't think of a dozen things #" " # That hadn't already been thought #" " Get you something?" "Scotch, rocks." "Good-looking woman." "That's Bilko's girl." "Now she looks even better." "I'm dealing you five cards." " Five cards." "Let me write this down." " Okay." "Now, the worst hand that you can have... is if you only have one high card and there isn't anything else that matches." " But then comes the pair." " Pair." "How exciting." "A pair." "[Crowd Applauding]" "# Only you #" "# Can make this world seem bright #" " Oh, thanks." "Have you seen Ernie?" " # Only you #" " No, I haven't." " Will you hold this for a second?" " Sure." " Thanks." "# Can make the darkness bright #" "Excuse me." "Have you guys seen Ernie?" " No." " No." " # And you alone #" " Ernie?" "Ernie!" "I have three jacks and two sixes." "What's that called again?" " A full house." " What a cute name." "A full house." " Is that good?" " Yes." "That means you win." "Again." "[Laughs]" "This is almost embarrassing." "What is that?" "Five in a row?" "What a lovely watch." "Now, we'll just shuffle." "Oops." "Ha." "Clumsy me." " Okay." "Cut?" "Thank you." " Hey!" "Oh, sorry." "All right." "Okay." "# You are my destiny #" "Oh." "You hear that song?" "It means I gotta go." "Gee, I feel bad." "Can't I give some of this back?" "No." "That would be wrong, wouldn't it?" "All right." "I'll just take these l.O.U.s... and the pink slip, and you can cash me out and I'll see you back at the base." " Ernie!" "Good evening." "Excuse us, Major." " Good evening, sir!" "I don't know what's gotten into the colonel, but all of a sudden he's just decided to climb all over your sorry butt." "I'm afraid the party's over, Ernie." "Get back to the post!" "I'd like to see your men..." " on the parade ground at 0500 hours." " Yes, sir!" "Weather permitting." " What permitting?" " Who said that?" "It's payback time, Bilko." "Yes." "If it's all the same to you, I'll just tell my girlfriend we're leaving." "It's not all the same to me, Bilko." "Move it!" "Hut, hut, hut!" "Hut, hut, hut, hut!" "# You are my destiny #" " # When you hold my hand #" " This solves nothing." " This solves everything." " [Laughs]" "You haven't seen someone called Ernie Bilko, have you?" "Oh, yes." "He left a few minutes ago." " Are you sure?" " Yep." "I definitely saw him go... in quite hurry." "I happen to know Major Ebersole offered him a poker game." "[Chuckles]" "# My dream come true #" "# My one and only #" "# You ##" "I can drop you off on my way back to the post." " Well, this is very nice of you." " Not at all." "May I ask you" "Could I call on you sometime?" "Oh, well, you see, I'm" "I just broke up with someone." " He must be devastated." " Oh... he doesn't know yet." "## ["Reveille"]" "Fall in!" "Arrgh!" "And gather!" "Gather in-- in a square!" "All right." "Good!" "All right, you've seen real soldiers before." "Just... do what they do." "All right." "Uh, let's do the grab-the-rifle by-the-bottom thing!" "Arrgh!" "All right!" "Let's do the, you know, the shoulder thing!" "Arrgh!" "The shoulder thing!" "Arrgh!" "Arrgh!" "Yes." "All right." "And now the-- the showing-the-rifle for-the-inspection bit." "Go!" "Arrgh!" "Arrgh!" "[Gunshot]" "[Yelling, Grunting]" "# Well, my feet can't fail me now My feet can't fail me now #" "# My feet can't fail me now My feet can't fail me now #" " What are you waitin' for?" " # My feet can't fail me now #" "[Doberman Yelling]" "Go, go, go, go!" "Go, go, go!" "Dobie, come on!" "Come on, buddy!" "# My feet can't fail me now My feet can't fail me now #" "# My feet can't fail me now My feet can't fail me now #" " # My feet can't fail me now My feet can't fail me now #" " Agh!" "Agh!" "[Yelling]" "# My feet can't fail me now My feet can't fail me now #" "# Said feet can't fail me now My feet can't fail me now #" "# Man, hurry, feet Feet can't fail me now #" "# My feet can't fail me now My feet can't fail me now #" "[Grunting]" "Ouch!" "No." "Nope." "[Yelling]" " Aaaaah!" " Whoa!" "I'm just so damn proud." "# My feet can't fail me now My feet can't fail me now #" "# My feet can't fail, fail, fail Fail me now ##" "# I can barely move my legs #" "# I can barely move my legs #" "# Do me a favor and kill me now #" "# Do me a favor and kill me now #" "# Something, something rhymes with legs #" "# Something, something rhymes with legs #" "# My life is over anyhow ##" "[Panting]" "[Chuckling]" "Suicide!" "Sarge, he's killing us!" " I can't do this" " What's the matter with you people?" "Generation X!" " [Clemente] He's killing us!" " You've all gone soft!" " Get serious, Sarge!" " I am serious." "I've been thinking about this." "You're Bilko's platoon!" "Whatever they dish out, we can take." "I want to see you two in my quarters." " Aw, man!" " [All Griping]" "[Crying]" " Ohh!" " Sarge!" "I'm paralyzed." "I have no feeling from the hair down." "Make the bad man stop." " Who are you calling?" " Rita." "At least the sound of her voice will make me feel better." "Ow." "Ow, ow, ow." "[Phone Ringing]" "[Ringing]" "If any of this is frightening, just hold onto me." "They're dancing Raisinets." "And you don't find that frightening?" "Mmm." "# Let's work Be proud Stand tall ##" "Sarge?" "[Crying] Sarge." "What's the matter?" "I put on three pounds." " [Crying]" " Funny, it doesn't show." "Luis!" " This calls for plan "A." - [Doberman] That won't work." "He's on his way over now." "He says if I can't do ten pushups right now, he's gonna move me out." "All right!" "Plan "B."" "Major Thorn, you look fantastic, sir!" "Have you lost wei" "[Grunting]" "Good work, Doberman!" "[All Grunting]" "## [Men Singing Jogging Cadence]" "So, John, if you spoke to the officers and their wives, it would mean a lot." "They keep hearing rumors that Fort Baxter will be shut down." "[Sighs] Frankly, sweetheart, after this last hover tank disaster, I" " I don't know what might happen." "Oh, dear." "I didn't realize it was that bad." "Well, you will think of something." "I have complete faith in you." " Thank you." " [Knock At Door]" "I'm sorry, I didn't realize you had company." " Quite all right, Bilko." " Colonel, a movie star on the post!" "Sharon Stone!" "The men will be so excited!" " Bilko." " We've seen all your movies." "They're a little racy for me." " Sergeant Bilko!" " Bilko, you know very well this is Mrs. Hall." "Mrs. Hall!" "Cradle robber." "You were dazzled by an older man." " Bilko!" " Yes, my colonel!" "John, I will see you later." "[Laughs]" " Right this way, Ms. Stone." "Uh!" "Mrs. Hall!" " [Giggles]" "What is it, Sergeant?" "Sir, if I could ask you one more time, these desert maneuvers" " All right, you can go." " If you could have seen the look on the men's faces..." "when I told them we wouldn't be going" "I said I've changed my mind." "Zimmerman." "Little Zimmerman." "I had to cradle him" " We can go?" " Have a safe trip, Sergeant." " Yes, sir." "We'll make you proud, sir." "Oh, sure." "# Bright light city gonna set my soul #" "# Gonna set my soul on fire #" "# Viva Las Vegas #" " # Viva Las Vegas # - [Soldiers Whooping]" "# There's blackjack and poker and the roulette wheel #" "# All you need is silver and a nerve of steel #" "# Viva Las Vegas #" "# Viva Las Vegas #" "# Viva Las Vegas #" " # Viva Las Vegas with your neon flashing #" " Sarge, you're crying." "It's just... so beautiful." "# Viva, viva #" " # Las Vegas ##" " All right, soldiers." "Prepare for maneuvers!" "I had to kill a whole afternoon convincing Colonel Dunderhead... he'd get in trouble if Bilko didn't go." "You've got three days to get into this computer." "Find me everything." "If he stole a match," "I want to know about it." "# I'm going to party town Yeah, yeah #" "# I want to party down Yeah, yeah #" "# I want to have some fun I want to fool around #" "# I'm going to party town #" "# Right here in party town Yeah, yeah #" "# They really party down Yeah, yeah #" "# Man, it's a party town Yeah, yeah #" "[Game Bell Ringing]" " Where we goin'?" " Craps." "Start thinkin' of when we own this!" "Sarge, is it safe for us to be off the base?" "I mean, Thorn's gonna be up to something." "You just thought of that?" "Relax." "I had Luis encrypt all the files." "It'll take 'em years to break in." "We're in." "[Thorn] Good job." "Now, how far back do you want us to go?" "Tell you what." "You have been sensational." "Why don't you knock off for the rest of the evening?" "And do what?" " Have fun." "Unwind." " Hmm." " Well, shall I" " No!" "Leave it on." "I'd like to check on one or two things." " Just out of curiosity." " Well" "[Inhales] Good night." "Good night." "I think it was very exciting, the way you broke into that computer." " It was?" " Yes!" " Could I buy you a drink?" " Why, yes." "Oh, oh, oh!" "There they go!" "[All Cheering]" "Oh." "All right!" "Now." "Oh!" "Ouch!" "They're hot!" "Oh." "Quick, quick." "Cool 'em off." " Press the six and the eight and a ten." " Here we go." "And now" "He's in the set." "He's shakin' him off." "He's comin' with the pitch!" "It looks like the high, hard one!" "[All Whooping]" " All right." "Still a five." " Good!" "Gently." "Okay." "And now" "It's easy!" "It's easy." " Behind the back." " Winner!" "[All Cheering]" "Wait." "This chip is scratched!" " Ugh!" "All right." " [Man] Mr. Bilko?" " Yes?" " You seem to be having a run!" "Anything we can do for you?" "Yes." "Go tell the rest of your money to be patient." "We'll be together soon." "You mean he stood you up before that night at the Rusty Spur?" "Mm-hmm." "He left me standing at the altar." "[Gasps] There can be no excuse for that!" "Oh, you'd be surprised." "He had a new excuse every time, and they were all amazing." " He did that more than once?" " Mm-hmm." "Rita, you have a lot of love to give." "And you're smart!" "Why would you put up with a clown like that?" "Because it was exciting!" "Because with Ernie every day was anything-can-happen day." "Some couples play Scrabble." "This isn't a game we're talking about;" "it's your life." "Where I come from, when you tell a woman you'll marry her, by gum, you mean it." "You know, I would never stand you up." "I'd never not call you." "But then I'm an officer with career prospects." "I can handle responsibility." " I guess you can." " Wouldn't you like a man who's always there for you?" "A man who wants to get married, settle down and have a family." "Yes." "I bought you this." "[Inhales] A ring!" "Two carats of cubic zirconia." "It's beautiful." "Oh... this is happening..." "too fast." "I don't want to hurt Ernie." "No." "We really..." "don't want to hurt Ernie." " Now, that's when Vegas" " Excuse me, Mr. Bilko?" " He said it was an emergency." " Ah." "Emergency." "Must be the Pentagon." "Hello?" "I can hardly hear you." "Rita Robbins." "She's been out with that guy Thorn every night." " Thorn?" " Yes." "Since before you went on maneuvers." "Tomorrow night they're going out for dinner to that fancy French restaurant in Roseville." "She's lookin' pretty weak, Ernie." "I gotta tell you." "Like, she would do anything." " Thanks, Sowicki." " Bye, Ernie." " Thank you, Stan." " Hey, thank you!" "For allowing me the opportunity to screw with Bilko's head." "Oh, it isn't a game this time, Stan." "I just need to find out how much he really loves me." " He loves you plenty." " More than he loves Las Vegas?" " That's asking a lot." " Mmm." "[Ringing]" "[On Machine] Hi, this is Rita." "Please leave a message." "[Beep] Rita, it's me, Ernie." "And I'm on my way home, and I hear you're seeing Thorn." "Don't take it too seriously, because he's only with you to annoy me." "I see." "He couldn't possibly be interested in me." " That would be ridiculous." " You're there!" "This guy has terrible qualities." "He's very manipulative." "He seemed pretty nice to me, Ernie." "Good-bye." "Hello?" "Hello?" "Rita?" "Rita?" "Why do you smell the cork?" " Your eyes are hazel, aren't they?" " Green." "[Bilko] Oh, I never have sex on the first date." "Thank God, it's our third." "This is such a" "Can't you just..." "smell... that salad?" "Yes, I have a reservation." "Ah, this must be the table." "You know, what they do very, very well here is the garlic." "Oh, I touched you." "My temperature is rising." "Waiter, could we have two glasses of red... house, uh" " S'il vous please?" "[Laughs]" " Yes." "Bilko." "What a fool." " Yeah." " How can he afford to eat here on a sergeant's pay?" " I'll be a lieutenant colonel very soon, you know." " No kidding." "[Laughing]" " That woman's kind of attractive too." " You think so?" " Well, not compared to you, of course." " Oh." "Anyway, I understand the oysters here are... very, uh, very, uh, imported." " Just get me out of here as fast as you can, please." " Relax, Paparelli." "If you want to make Rita jealous, why didn't you use Barbella?" "She knows Barbella." "I needed someone she can't recognize." "Someone exotic and alluring." "Thank you." "Ah!" "It's Rita Robbins and Major Thorn!" "Ah!" "Ha-ha!" "Aha." "Um, excuse me." "One moment." " [Clears Throat] - [Whispers] She's coming over?" "She's coming over?" "Ernie, you made Paparelli get into drag just to make me jealous?" "Actually, he was already in drag." "Scram!" "Get going." "Arrgh!" "Arrgh!" "Rita, you can't marry Thorn." "You're not in love with him." "Think of the children." "You're a Catholic, and he's... an asshole!" "How would you raise them?" "And he's already cheating on you with Paparelli." "Hi, soldier boy." "[Snarls]" "Sowicki never told you I was marrying Thorn." "You told Sowicki to call me." "You manipulated me!" "How could you?" "Why not?" "I have a master's in manipulation from the University of Bilko." "You tricked me." "You sucked me in." "This is the most turned-on I've ever been in my life." "Rita, I'm so glad we're back together again." "Twelve more days." " Well, it's no wonder, then, the hover tank has never worked." " Yes, sir." "He's been diverting research funds into his own private account." "For all the differences with Bilko over the years," "I have to admit I've always kind of liked him." "The way he kept up the men's morale." "The way he'd pretend to cry when I went on leave." "The way every year, on my birthday, he'd have the men mow my name in the main lawn with a big heart around it." "[Exhales] But now I suppose there'll have to be a court-martial." " Yes, sir." "Unless" " Unless?" "I know we'd both do anything to spare Bilko a court-martial." "If he could just be quietly punished." "[Sighs] Yeah, sure." "But" " But how?" "The C.O. has certain powers, sir." " Powers?" " Can't he, for instance, have a soldier... trans" "Trans-- Atlantic?" "Trans-- vestite!" "Transferred!" "What a wonderful idea." "Yes, well, the wheels are always spinning." "It would have to be where there'd be no chance... of his ever making this kind of trouble again." "Greenland." "He's been out walking by himself for, like, four hours!" " What's he doin'?" " He's thinkin'." "I thought I heard him crying." "Yeah, he even asked for a box of tissues." "## [Men Singing Jogging Cadence]" "I guess you're happy." "Yeah." "He hated the sarge." "He was probably helping Thorn." " I was not!" " Wait a minute!" "Wait a minute!" "This is Bilko we're talkin' about here!" "Bilko!" "Nobody gets the best of Bilko!" "Come on!" " That's right." " [Paparelli] He's gonna think of something." "Remember that time I got the letter from my wife sayin' she wanted to break up with me?" " Remember what Bilko did?" " He got your wife back?" "No, he got me another wife!" "A better wife!" " Yeah!" " Yeah!" "Right now I bet... the sarge is coming up with the best Bilko plan ever." "I pity Major Thorn." "When Bilko gets done with him-  [Doberman] Sarge!" " Ten hut!" "[All] Sarge!" "Sarge!" "You've come back!" "Ah, Doberman!" "The son I never wanted." "Fall in and look this way!" "Hello, soldiers." "I'm talking to you." "Because that's what you are, really." "Every last one of you, with a couple of exceptions." " [Whispers] He's got a plan." " He sure does." "I want to tell you a story." "There was a little boy, and that boy had a dream... to run one of the most sophisticated... illegal gaming operations the army has ever seen." " He's not worried." " Not a bit." "That boy's dream came true." "But now they're trying to snatch that dream back from him." " He is worried." " It's not good." "But what are the last two letters in Bilko? "K-O"!" "Of course, the first three are "B-l-L," which is meaningless." "But still, am I giving up?" "No!" "Never!" "Well, kind of, but not really, because there is no way I am going to Greenland!" "Well, you're probably wondering if I have a plan." "Well, of course I have a plan!" "A P-L-A-N." "Plan." "[Shudders]" "But-- [Laughs Crazily]" " No plan." " We're screwed." " I have a plan, Sarge." "But maybe a plan is not what I need!" "What I really need is just a little puppy-- a little puppy with big brown eyes... that'll just come to me and lick my face and just love me so much, no matter what kind of person I am." "[Sobbing]" " Sarge." "I really do have a plan." " Oh, so now you have a plan." "Well, let's hear your plan, Wally." "Well, what if the hover tank did work?" "That would prove you hadn't been diverting the money." "Oh!" "That is so stup-- What?" "That would prove you hadn't been diverting the money." "Wouldn't it?" "Are you telling me you can get the hover tank to work?" "No, of course not, but we don't need to be holdin' four aces... if they think we're holdin' four aces." "Permission to speak freely?" "Tell me a bit more about this plan, because I think that's actually" "If they come, just act dumb." "Fender, I'm putting you in charge of that." "# I love the nightlife I like to boogie #" " # I like to rock all night long ##" " Ahem." "Oh." "It's you." "Bilko." "Sir, if I could talk with you just for a moment." "If you've come to talk about Greenland, you're wasting your time." "I must tell you frankly, Sergeant, I'm disappointed." "Sir, all I ever wanted was an honest week's pay for an honest day's work." " I didn't steal money from the hover tank, sir." " Please, Bilko." "Let's just say good-bye." " And thank you." " For what, sir?" "Well, for... always making me feel like I actually ran this place." "Good old Fort Baxter." "I guess your garden is one of the things you'll miss most of all." "Ah, yes." "I loved it." " Miss?" "Why miss?" " The colonel hasn't heard?" " Well, it must not be true." " What?" "Uh" " They're closing Fort Baxter?" "You didn't hear it from me." "Take good care of yourself in-- I've said enough!" "Take good care where?" "Have you heard where they're sending me?" " You're stepping on your flowers." " The hell with them!" "Bilko, where?" " Where are they sending me?" " It's just rumor, sir." "Ohh, that fair skin under the burning desert sun." "Ohh." "My God." "The desert sun." "Remember, if you get lost, travel by night." " How can they do this to me?" " I'm afraid the hover tank test was the last straw, sir." "Too bad they didn't schedule it this week." "Well..." " good-bye." " Wha" " Wait!" "You mean the hover tank is working?" "Oh, I know what you're thinking, sir." "Arrange a public demonstration A.S.A.P." " Call the Pentagon and the Department of the Army." " R-Right." " I've already taken that liberty, sir." " Thank you!" "Oh, that picture of you standing triumphant at the test." "That'll keep me warm on those lonely nights in Greenland." "In Greenland, sir." "Oh." "Yes." " Well, good-bye." " Uh, B" "Yes, sir?" "If the test goes well, you won't be transferred." "Well, thank you, sir!" "I'm stunned!" "Just as a formality, I've put that in writing." "If you could just sign here and here and initial here." "Mmm." " Here?" " Uh, no." "Here." "And I'll just notarize that." " And I'll waive the usual ten-dollar fee." " Oh." "Thank you." "Here you are." "Good day." "No, it'll hover, but as before, it will go completely haywire if we attempt to f-fire." "We know that." "We just need a couple hours with the hover tank." " Let's get started." " No!" "This is a $70-million piece of equipment." "You think I'm just gonna allow one of your men to fool around with it?" " I think not." " Oh." "Mm-hmm." "Oh, boy." "Oh, my, is it hot in here or what?" "What's this?" "Oh!" "I almost forgot I had these." "It's the l.O.U.s from the poker game." " Would he like to use my tools?" " That would be nice." " You saw it?" " Yeah, it blew up the old ammunition shed." " A perfect hit." " [Louder] The hover tank?" "I thought that thing was busted." "Yeah, it was." "But that kid, Wally, he fixed it." "He said the key was... the" "The--?" "The fire control and super elevator board." " Imagine that." " Yeah." "The fire control and super elevator board." "And the great thing is, if it works at the demonstration," "Bilko gets to stay!" "Great!" "Yeah." "## [Military Band Playing]" "## [Music Continues]" "Wonderful to see you again, General Tennyson." " You, too, Colonel." "Mrs. Hall." " [Giggles]" " And of course you know Major Thorn." " Thorn." "[Sighs Deeply]" " Tank crew ready, sir!" " Very good, Bilko." "General?" "Tennyson." "Yes, I know, sir." "Master Sergeant Bilko, sir." "It's an honor to meet you." " You look terrific!" "Have you lost weight?" " Who is this?" "Members of Congress, General Tennyson, colleagues from the defense industries, distinguished guests, welcome." "The weapons system you are about to see today... can be called the world's first... truly all-terrain assault vehicle, which I'm proud to say was developed entirely in-house... here at Fort Baxter." "Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the armored attack platform... to lead American defense forces into the 21st century:" "the HT-X-1 hover tank." "Water and rough terrain can stop an ordinary M-1 or A.P.C., but the hover tank can literally rise above these obstacles, and that is the capability we will show you today." "Hover tank." "You are looking good." "Hover tank, fire when ready." "Hoo-ha!" "[Groans]" " [Applause] - [Laughs]" "Heh." "This little bird packs a deadly punch." "[Switch Clicks]" "[Paparelli] Fire in the hole!" " You hit the wrong button!" " I did not!" "It's not my fault!" "He wired it wrong!" "[All Arguing]" "Any questions?" "[Observers Applauding]" "Congratulations, honey!" " Home run, sir!" " Thank you, Captain." " We're gonna rush this baby right into production." " Thank you, Congressman." "Jack, I thank you on behalf of a grateful nation." "I just can't wait to see what you fellows come up with next!" "Wait!" " The demonstration was rigged." " Ah, do I see politics in your future, sir?" " Perhaps the Oval Office?" " I've never given that serious consideration." "Wait!" "General!" "He faked it!" "Didn't you see the gun was aimed at target three, but they blew up target four?" " Yes, I did." " Well, if you remember Einstein's theory, sir," " space is curved." " Yes." " These are smart weapons." "Whoosh, whoosh!" " Oh, cut the crap!" "He faked it!" "It's just one of his scams." "That's a serious charge." "Colonel, what about this?" "Well, General, in all my years in the service," "I have never, not once, publicly berated a fellow officer." "But I realize that from the first moment Major Thorn set foot on Fort Baxter, he engaged in a personal vendetta against Master Sergeant Bilko." "I find his conduct inexcusable, and I'm going to recommend an Article 32 investigation." " I see." " [Thorn] You don't understand." "He doesn't know what's going on." "He never knows!" "This sergeant leads him around by the nose!" "Major!" "You are the most insubordinate officer I have ever met." "I'm telling you, he's a boob!" "He doesn't get it!" "They faked the whole thing!" "I'd like to see solid evidence to support these idiotic allegations." "Idiotic, huh?" "How's this for evidence?" "The fire control and super elevator board." "I took it out last night, so how can it work?" "[Mrs. Hall Giggles Nervously]" "So you deliberately sabotaged this project, Major." "I got it all on tape." "Lucky." "[Wind Howling]" " [Cork Pops]" " Whoo!" " [Soldier] Celebration time." " [All Chattering]" "'Cause I know Pap knew it" "Stand, troops!" "You're in the presence of a genius." "[Together] Hoo-ha!" "You were a total kingpin!" "You got Thorn to sabotage something that didn't work!" "Yeah." "Well, I couldn't have done it without our Wally." "Where is the lad?" "Here, Sarge." "I was just resetting the colonel's odometer." "# Roll with it, baby You're movin' #" "# Just roll with it, baby ##" "[All Cheering]" "[Soldier] I told you Wally was all right!" "Okay." "Glee Club." " Oh, well." " # Only you Only you #" "# Only you #" "# Can make this change in me #" "# Only you #" "# You are my destiny #" "# Destiny #" "# When you hold my hand #" "# I understand the magic #" "# That you do Magic that you do #" "# Ooh You're my dream come true #" "# My one and only #" "# You Hum, hum #" "# It's only you ##" "Very nice." "Aw, get up, Bilko." "Marry me, Rita." "I know I'm a long shot, but sometimes long shots pay off big." "[Soldiers Cheering]" "## [Organ: "Onward, Christian Soldiers"]" "[Music Ends]" "## [Organ Resumes]" "Don't even ask!" "I forgot Daylight Savings Time." "Can you believe it?" "Well, better late than never." " Poker?" " All right." "Nickel ante." "Let's make it interesting." "One hand of showdown." "If I win, we get married." "Ernie, I don't think that's such a good idea." "I've never known you to chicken out of a game, whatever the stakes." "[Whispers] You're on." "Well, well, well." "What do you know?" " Full house." "Jacks over threes." " You cheated!" " I won." "And we're getting married!" " When?" "Now!" "[Blowing Whistle]" "Daddy!" "Ow!" "[Speaking Very Rapidly] Dearly beloved, we are gathered to witness" "Rita Robbins, do you take Ernest G. Bilko to love, honor" " You think we're moving too fast?" " I do." " Let's go!" " Do you take Rita Robbins to love" "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "I do!" "By the power vested in me, I pronounce you husband and wife." "You may ki" "Ah." "[Doberman Crying]" "# Doo, doo-doo, doo, doo doo, doo #" "# Livin' in the U.S.A. #" "# Doo, doo-doo, doo, doo doo, doo #" "# Livin' in the U.S.A. #" "# Where are you goin' to #" "# What are you gonna do #" "# Do you think that it will be easy #" "# You think that it will be pleasin' #" "# Hey, hey What'd you say #" "# I will pay I'd rather play #" "# It's my freedom, yeah Don't worry about me, babe #" "# I've got to be free, babe #" "# Hey, hey, hey #" "# Yeah #" "# Doo, doo-doo, doo, doo doo, doo #" "# Livin' in the U.S.A. #" "# Doo, doo-doo, doo, doo doo, doo #" "# Livin' in the U.S.A. #" "# Hey We're gonna make it, baby #" "# Yeah #" "# We got to shake it, baby #" "# Hey #" "# Gonna break it, girl Yeah, yeah, yeah, girl #" "# Come on, baby Hey #" "# Hey, hey # # ln the U.S.A., baby #" "# Don't worry about me, babe #" "# Livin' in the U.S.A. Livin' in the U.S.A. #" "# Doo, doo-doo, doo, doo doo, doo #" "# I got to be free ##"