"Okay, Schmidt, you ready for your feedback for the week?" "Yes." "Uh, let me just pull up my performance grid." "First off, thanks for keeping sex quick." "You were like a dog with an ice cream cone, and I loved it, but screaming" ""that's how Schmidty do" was not ideal." "Even though that's how Sch-Schmidty did?" "Well, Schmidty did, and he did it good, but mommy doesn't want to hear" " how Schmidty's doing." " Note... note taken." " Okay." "Great." "Good." " Note taken." "I feel like I'm watching a porn set in an HR department." "You know, Fawn is teaching me how to be the most effective and successful man and lover I possibly can be." "Really?" "I thought you were fine before." "When you two were together?" "Which time?" "The... the first time or the third time?" "Because... 'cause you two were very off-and-on." "In a... in a very confusing way." "(laughs) I've had sex with him so many times." "We have a fun thing together, don't we?" "Super fun, yeah." "I really enjoy it." "What is her... what is it, Cecil?" "What is your name?" "You'll learn it." "Don't worry." "Fawn's helping me see that I haven't reached" " my full potential yet." " Well, obviously, none of you have." "No, I have." "I'm a cop." "And, as of yesterday, my mom no longer buys my plane tickets, so... (clicks tongue)" "You need a ten-year plan." "Are you in a relationship that's headed towards marriage?" "I am not currently, but I did go on a date with somebody named Charles last month." "She was a woman, but she was named after her uncle." "Well, Winston has no game." "Dude took a girl to a cement plant." "To see how rocks were made." "That's not where rocks are made." "And she loved it, then she abruptly moved away." "(groans)" "Work sucked, my friends." "(nasally voice):" "Hear ye, hear ye." "Milady." "I dub you Sir Winston of the Roll of Egg." "(nasally):" "Ah, yes." "Yes." "Who are you in this story?" "I'm the jester." "I'm not gonna eat here anymore." "You'd think that the school board would want to give kids computers, but no, they just want to get reelected so they can keep dressing like Realtors from the 1980s." "Solid municipal burn, Jessica." "Fawn..." "Councilwoman." "Councilwoman... do you think you could help me get some traction with these people?" "Oh, funnily enough, I have a charity event tomorrow with other high-powered L.A. women." " I'll put a word in with Yowtz." " Martha Yowtz?" " Yeah." " The lioness of Los Angeles education?" " Yes." " The straw that stirs the school board's drink?" " That's right." " That is a woman I'd like to get to know." "Is there any way I could come with you to this event?" "Ah, you know, it's really a networking thing." "Well, that's perfect, 'cause I'd love to network her." " With her." "It's "with..."" " You network with her." "Yeah, it's "network with her,"" "and you don't really strike me as the "networking" type." "You're more of a "follow a butterfly around for a day" kind of gal." "Oh, sister, I'm a middle-school vice principal." "You think I got this job without knowing how to network?" "Most likely." "Yes." "I got an office with a door, bub." "Pencil me in." "I'll yak with Yowtz." "The press will be there, and I could use a photo with an educator, so... okay." " Oh, great." " Oh." "Hey." "Do you still need me for the photo op?" "I will need you there, actually." "I'm trying to become more accessible on social media." "Speaking of which, is there some way you can make your skin look less white in photos?" "People are saying that you're haunting me." "I can do that." "Absolutely. 100%." " Let me just make a note." " Wonderful." "And, Jess, the event tomorrow is at a golf course." "Do you golf?" "Does a bear eat with his hands?" "(chuckles)" "I don't know." " I'll be there." " Great." "So I say to her, "Water?" "I barely even know you."" "Stop talking to me like we're in the middle of a conversation." " We just sat down." " All right." " I hate when you do that." " Okay." "Winston." "That is a beautiful girl right there." "Wow." " Just say something to her." " Yeah, just say something to her." "Shawty, what that thang do?" "No." " What was that?" " WINSTON:" "Dude, I think it's a nervous tic that stems from my lack of self-confidence." "We got to help." "I can't watch this." "Excuse me, miss?" "Hi." " Coach, stop." " Um, this is my buddy, Winston." "Um..." "I don't know what he's doing with his mouth." "That's not his normal smile at all." "I'm gonna fix that." "If I could just..." "Both sides... even it out." "Better." " I think he likes you." " Oh, yeah?" " Just go talk to her." "You got it." " I don't..." " Okay, okay, I'm going." " You got it." "You got it." " He's coming." "He's excited to talk to you." "Hey..." "My friends." "(laughter)" "Hello." "I'm Winston Bishop." "Winston Bishop." "KC." "KC!" "Just be like, "Yo, KC, where JoJo at?"" "In rehab, probably." " He's... he was on drugs." " Yeah." "WINSTON:" "Sorry." "Um..." "I don't know what to say right now." "Uh, kind of blowing this, huh?" "Uh..." "Um, I think you're very beautiful, KC, and I would like to see you again soon... like, later today for lunch?" "I'd love to." "Really?" " Here." " Oh." "I'm gonna put in my number... or come with me to this thing in the park I'm going to now and we can grab something after." "You know, I saw Nick Nolte in the park once." "And I was like, "Yo, Nick Nolte, what you doing in the park?"" "And he was just like, "I'm just hanging out."" "Yeah, so I thought that was notable." "I'm going to a rally to protest the police." "Do you want to come?" "Or we could just do lunch." " Let's do lunch." " Okay." "Yeah." "Nice to... nice to meet you, KC." "CECE:" "Fawn is none of my business, and Schmidt seems to really like her, so whatever happens, I'm just not getting involved." "Then why are you on your way to hang out with him?" " What are you doing?" " He said to come over." "He said it was an emergency." "What if he does something sexy?" "That's like Gollum hanging out with the One Ring." "It'll be fine." "Ooh." "Hey, Cece, I'm glad you're here." "I need you to put bronzer all over my body." "None of the guys are here, and they also refused to do it." "Um, all over." "I know you're giving me a look, but, really, like, all over." "All the cracks, the crevices." "The engine, the caboose, everything." "Oh, okay." "Gripped it and ripped it." "You da man." "No, say, "Fawn is the man."" "Fawn's the man." "Fawn's the man." "Oh, hey, there's Yowtz." "Woman's got more connections than a flight from Burbank to Sri Lanka." "Well, then, it's a good thing" "I bought the airport neck pillow in the gift shop, because... (chuckles)" "You know what that means." " I got this." " Okay." "How the hell are you?" "Jessica Day." "I need 20 computers for my school." "Just met you, but noted." "You're up." "Thanks." "What?" "Oh." "You walk towards the..." "Whoops." "Oh, dear Lord." "Why are we putting this on your body?" "Aren't you going to be wearing a shirt?" "Well, you know, Fawn wants me to be prepared for all scenarios." "What if somebody gives birth out there and I have to swaddle the baby in my polo?" "(wry chuckle) Yeah..." "I've never been under this kind of scrutiny before." "I'm having my teeth shaved by a 25th of an inch." "Fawn thinks that I have the teeth of an immigrant." "She says every time she looks at me, all she can see is Fievel Mouskewitz singing "There Are No Cats in America."" "Those little... those little mice Jews." "I mean, what do you think, Cece?" "You... you like Fawn, right?" "Yeah, I mean, as-as long as you're happy." " There you go." " What the hell?" "What?" "Why am I sparkly?" "Sparkly?" "!" "You bought the bronzer with glitter in it." "Cece, please, you gotta help me, Ce..." "Fawn's gonna kill me!" "Okay, just don't get too pressive." "You'll crease!" "So stupid!" "I feel like I'm trying to get into an 18-and-under club in Tucson!" "So, yeah, at the rally, the was this kid" "I know from the youth center who was arrested last week because he "fit a description."" "I mean, he's 14... he doesn't even fit into his jeans." "(uncomfortable laughter)" " Yeah." " Anyways... enough about me." "Let's, uh, talk about you." "What do you do?" "What do I do?" "Um... okay." "Well... what do I do?" "Um..." "Okay, the truth is..." "Hey, man." "You know them?" "Oh, not personally, no." "Hey, what's up, Bishop?" "Oh, yeah, I do know them." "We went to school together." "See you at work, bud." "More importantly... we work together." "You're a cop?" "Me?" "(laughs)" "A cop?" "No!" "No, no, no, no, no, no." "Don't..." "No, no, no." "Get that out of your head." "Uh, what I do is I'm a..." " male stripper." " A stripper?" "That's why they were wearing the uniforms." "Yeah, I see where you... why you would think that." "No." "A surprising amount of day work for a stripper." "You know, we just go in there, we do our routine while they eat their lunch salads." "Wow. (laughs)" "You just pray nobody orders soup." "Lost a lot of good men to soup." "(short laugh) It's hard to gauge temperature when you're just... dipping and running." "You'd be surprised what you could replace a ladle with." " Nice day." " Beautiful." "What happened to the top of my hat?" "You take it?" "(laughs) A little, uh... little visor humor." "Give me back my hat!" "I'm kidding. (chuckles)" "I wasn't gonna hit you." "I'm just joshing." "Just Joshua, Joshua, joshing..." "Do you ladies want to join my network?" " Uh, you ladies can just go ahead and play through." " Yeah." " Yeah." " I'll catch up with you later." "Uh, so, how-how do you feel that the networking is going?" "Pretty good." "I would call it, like, a solid B." "It's a cruise ship disaster." "Look, Jess, if you want those computers, we have a lot of work to do and not a lot of time to do it." "Shake my hand." "Gross." "What is your name?" "Jess?" "You have the confidence of a child that was raised in a basement." "Say it with pride, and include your job title like it's the second half of your name." "Like this..." "Fawn Moscato, City Council." "Jessica Day, Vice Principal!" "How the heck are you?" "DAWN:" "Lighten it up with a quick joke whenever possible." "Nice shoes." "Look like you chopped off Big Bird's feet, you murderer. (laughs)" "FAWN:" "And try not to make jokes about murdering" "Sesame Street puppets if you can." " JESS:" "Good note." " FAWN:" "Now, tell me..." "Are you wearing underwear?" "Oh, yeah." "Big-time." "Lose them." "I never wear underwear in networking scenarios." "Gives you a secret; an edge." "Besides, I firmly believe that power emanates from the vagina." "So, why block it?" "It's not the only thing that emanates." "What does that mean?" "(quietly):" "Other stuff." "So I said, "Tammy, are we playing golf, or are we making sand castles?"" "(laughter)" "Tammy is the worst." "She told my kid to shut up once." "I nearly punched her." "I don't want to start talking business while we still have a whole tournament to play, but..." "I'd love to connect about your ideas in the clubhouse." "Let's meet up there when we're all done." "Great." "I'll see you in there, Marty." "May I call you Marty?" "Oh, I'd prefer it." "(laughs)" "The clubhouse?" "That is where you close the deal." "You are in, my friend." "Now, let's finish up this game." "No problem." "Write a six and let's go." "They should start putting" "GPS in golf balls, am I right?" "We already got lapped by Sue Kim from the Korean Women's League, and she's 100." "Jess, she is literally 100 years old." "And I'm..." "I'll tell you what..." "Not a young 100." "Martha doesn't strike me as the type of person who gives computers to cheaters." "You really don't understand how networking works." "The computers are just the thing you talk about when you're really talking about how to help each other become more powerful." "Just like the money for this golf thing... it doesn't go to charity." "It just pays for the event where we network." "Isn't that cool?" "Yay, America." "Were the computers ever really on the table?" "You're still talking about the computers?" "Okay." "Uh, no." "No." "No money for computers." "I should've never listened to you." "I also should have never removed my underwear, because now it's drafty and I feel vulnerable to wildlife." "Are your underwear sticking out of your pocket?" "Are those boys' underwear?" "They're unisex." "None of your business." "Look, will you forget the ball?" "Or none of these women are ever going to invite you to play golf again." "Well, I don't want to play golf with these women again." "I don't want any part of this." "If I can't have the computers," "I will..." "I will stay here and I will play a clean game of golf." "Now, if you'll excuse me, Fawn, I need to go find my ball." "Like an honest person." "Okay." "Oh, look... it's a baby bird." "No, it's a dead baby bird." "I need to move on before I get emotional." "Can't believe I didn't tell her I was a cop." "With everything that's been going on, I just..." "I feel like she wouldn't respect me." " You want to know what I think?" " No, Nick, I don't." "This is something you can't understand." " Because I'm not black?" " Uh..." "What, because I don't work for NASA, I can't fix a rocket ship?" "If you don't work at NASA, they're not gonna just let you walk off the street and fix a rocket ship." " You're missing my point." " Besides, you lost your right to talk to me about race during the O.J. trial." "Is in the white Bronco..." "Why does it have to be a "white" Bronco?" "Why not just a Bronco?" "I can talk to you about this." "I mean, we grew up together." "We went to the same schools, we watched the same shows, we listened to the same records." "Your mother got a mouth on the back of her neck, and bitch chew like this. (grunts, laughs)" "Hercules." " Was that your Eddie Murphy?" " That's Eddie Murphy." "That was so bad, it wasn't even offensive." "I said "Hercules," and everyone associates that with Eddie Murphy." "Whenever you do your impressions, it makes me super uncomfortable." "Fine." "You know what?" "You want to do this?" "You and me are gonna get weird about race?" " Do your Seinfeld." " Come..." "Nick, that's not..." " Do your Seinfeld." " What's the deal with bananas?" "I mean, they got orange juice, you got apple juice, where's the banana juice?" "(laughs):" "I never thought of that." "Ah, boy." "'Cause you got orange juice, you..." "I love you, but you're white, I'm black." "I understand where she's coming from." "When I was a kid, we used to run from the police." "Even if we did nothing wrong, it was just out of habit." "Why haven't you ever told me?" "COACH: 'Cause you'll never get it." "How long have you been standing there?" "Uh, right around, "Your mama got a mouth on the back of her neck, and the bitch chew like this."" " Now, that's Eddie!" " I don't see the difference." "(laughs):" "Hercules!" "Hercules!" "Hercules!" " He's doing the laugh!" " That's what I was doing." "(imitating Eddie Murphy's laugh)" "Stop, Nick." "I honestly don't see the difference." "As the only other black man in this loft," "I feel like I should weigh in." "This issue really hits home with me, and I feel like I have a lot of thoughts and ideas that I need to get off my chest." " Thank you, Coach." " But I'm hungry." " Man." " I skipped breakfast, and lunch is gonna be dumb as hell." "♪ Race talk snacks ♪" "♪ Race talk snacks, gotta get me ♪" "♪ Some race talk snacks ♪" "♪ Gonna be super uncomfortable!" "♪" " So, KC..." " Shh..." " I just feel like..." " Can't-can't weigh in." " I know, but I..." " Can't weigh in." "I do have something I want to say that's not a race..." "Shh, don't." "I know what I'm gonna do." "I'm gonna tell her the truth." "I'm a good guy; that's all that matters." " That's what I was gonna say." " I want to make this..." "No, no, no." "Shut it down, Nick." "Your mother got a mouth on the back of her neck, and she chews like this." "Murphy, Murphy, Murphy." "So the good news is you can't see the glitter anymore." "Great." "Well, what's the bad news?" "You look like, um... can't exactly put my finger on it." "I look like the dead body the police pull out of a lake." "That's how you describe it; you look dead." "I don't want to look like a dead boy." "I want to look like a living boy." "Why are you calling yourself a boy?" "Because I'm freaking out!" "(phone vibrating) Freaking..." "Freaking out." "Oh, no." "It's-it's Fawn." "(sighs)" "Hey, Faw... hey, Fawn." "What the Jewish God did you do?" "In an attempt to look less ghost-like," "I put on some bronzer, but the bronzer had glitter in it, and now..." "You look like a wood carving of yourself." "The press is here." "And single women have proven to be less appealing to voters." "Fix it and get here now." "I am Fawn Moscato, and I will not miss a photo opportunity!" "Faw..." "Oh." "Fawn?" "How about a fake beard?" "Get some double-sided tape, we can shave Winston's cat..." "Okay, you know what, enough." "I cannot just stand here and watch Fawn treat you like she's your pageant mom." "She needs to accept you exactly how you are, or you need to find somebody that will." "'Cause I think you are fine as is." "Damn it." "You know what, you're right." "I'm gonna go talk to her." "Can you drive though?" "I want to fix my makeup in the car." "For me, not for her." "I don't want to scare anybody." "Ugh." "I think I'm drunk from my face fumes." "I've never seen so many strokes taken on a single hole in all of my life." "This has got to be some kind of record." "Do you care to comment?" "Hey!" "Not bad!" "Look at her go!" "The hole's behind you." "Thanks, Marty." "172!" " Par was five." " I know, Marty." "You're the worst golfer I've ever seen." "Look, I don't care if I look stupid." "I didn't come here to climb the ladder." "The only reason why I came here was to get computers for my students." "And that's the only reason why I came: for the school." "I respect that." "I'll get you those computers." " Really?" "!" " Yes, I will." "In 2018, when the district is fiscally solvent." "I'll... take that as a victory." "I support Vice Principal Day." "It is education that will bring water back to this city and will rebuild the middle class..." "Don't let me back down." "Don't worry, I will not." "You look... so crazy right now." " You look like a doll boy." " A doll man." "I'm a d..." "I'm a doll man." "A doll man who's about to get his dignity back." "Let's beat China!" "I'm Fawn Moscato!" "(chuckles)" "Oh!" "(crowd cheers) Oh." "(laughs):" "I can't believe it." "Now, this ball is a symbol... (crowd gasps)" "(laughter) of the unity..." "MAN:" "Wow!" "Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no!" "Fawn, Fawn, Fawn, Fawn, Fawn, Fawn, Fawn." " What?" "What's going on?" " You're not wearing any, uh..." "Each one's like a snowflake." "What do you mean there's a meme?" "It speaks?" "Well, what does it say?" "Oh, well, that is just crass." "Yes, I know I wanted a more accessible Web pr..." "Will you stop laughing, Lou?" "You're a father!" "You're my father!" "(gasps)" "Oh, no, no, it's... it's carpet cleaner." "You know, I thought I'd take it right down to the base." "I'll probably have to regrow some skin, but it's all right." "It's okay, Schmidt." "Look, I understand if you want to break up with me." "I'm a laughingstock, and you shouldn't be associated with my brand." "Which is tainted." "An unfortunate choice of words." "So, what was it you wanted to say to me?" "Fawn, I don't want to break up with you." "I like you just the way that you are." "No offense, but you're terrifying to look at, and you smell like a chemical fire." "Taint that the truth?" " Yeah." " Did you see what I did there?" " I just...'Cause you did it, then I..." " It was too... too soon." "It's too soon." " I wanted you to feel good about when you said it though." " Okay." "KC?" "So... um... this is the real me." "I'm proud of what I do, I really am." "I work with a lot of great people, and I want to be one of them." "Plus, if there are ever Ghostbusters," "I know they're gonna recruit from law enforcement first." "I know you're mad at me." "I just came to say that." "I'm not mad that you're a cop." "I'm mad that you lied." "Well, tell you what, uh, is there any way I could take you out again and, you know, uh, be so honest with you that it scares the hell out of you?" "I don't know." "That uniform is kind of distracting, isn't it?" "Maybe you should... take it off." "(laughs)" "You lied and said you were a stripper;" "it seems like the fair thing to do." "(dance music playing)" "Just in front of all these people?" "In front of your colleagues?" "(man whoops)" "Oh, okay." "I hear some "whoos!"" "(whoops)" "You ain't got no Ginuwine or nothing?" "Seriously though, I'm..." "I'm..." "I really am a police officer." "I can't really be here stripping for you..." "It's a clip-on ladies." "And it's on the ground." "Here we go." "Uh-huh, I want y'all to get y'all ones ready." "I wear my underwear two sizes too big." "This is a..." "This is a thing." "This is a thing I gotta do in order to get my belt off."