"(girl) Ah, Eric, yes." "That feels so good!" "Don't stop!" "OK, we found my brother." "This personality profile of our new principal is superlative." "Well, the man lives next door." "Glad I could give some help." "Yes." "Well, you give a wonderful neck massage." "You know, Molly, I'm more than just a pair of strong, masculine hands." "Well, of course you are, my little cabana boy." "Well, finis!" "No, no." "It's "Feeny."" "His name is Feeny." ""Finis" is French for "finished."" "Ha-ha, the French..." "our neighbors to the north." " Hello!" " Not now, I'm working." " You said you'd drive us home." " (screams)" "Hey, babe, you're wiggin' out the rats!" "Rats?" "Yeah." "We're studying natural selection." "We're gonna see if rats know the difference between natural cheddar and "I can't believe it's not cheese!"" "Yep, our D-plus rests on furry little Shawn and Cory." " You named them after yourselves?" " Yeah." "Shawn's the one chewing the lock." "I'm the one with the skin disease." "Keep your little vermin away from tomorrow's edition of the school paper." "Yeah." "Come on, let's go, all four of you rats." "Um... all three of us rats." "Little Shawn broke out?" "I got him, I got him." " He wants to kiss you!" " (screams)" "Please!" "He loves you!" "Come on, you kissed my brother!" "Hey, thank you." "Thank you very much." "I finally get a brainy girl interested in me, and you guys screw it up!" "Oh, pull." "Hey, that floor's real slick out there." "Just... (screams/thud)" "Good." "Well, I gotta get home." "I promised Mom I'd crack her back before American Gladiators." "What are you doing, Cor?" "Check it out!" "Oh!" "A screen full of Feen!" "He's gonna be on the front page of the school paper?" "Won't it scare children?" "It won't scare 'em if he's..." " ...teeny!" " Oh!" "This has definite possibilities." " Let me in there." " OK." "OK, new principal is beeny, deeny, geeny, leeny..." "Ha!" ""New Principal is Weeny!"" "Can you imagine 2,000 students reading this?" "Power... ultimate power." "Yeah, but we would never..." " Would we?" " Power!" "We'd be notorious!" "We would be legends!" " What do you mean?" " Well, what are we now?" "We are lowly seventh-grade sewer scum who name rats after ourselves to feel important." "And how do you feel about that?" "Better than the guys with no rats!" "Hey, Cor, wouldn't you rather be something special or would you rather be us?" "Shawn, power like that in the wrong hands... it's dangerous." "All right." "Come on, let's go." "Yeah, wrong hands, wrong hands." "(laughter)" "Hey, look at this." "His name's Feeny." "They wrote "Weeny."" "I'm laughin'." "You laughing'?" "Oh, yeah." "I was just thinkin' of laughing'." "I would've been laughin' already but I was too busy listening to you, Harley." "But I think I'm ready now." "(laughing)" "The guy who could cook up somethin' like that... now, that's a guy I'd like to have hanging' with me." "He'd be a great addition to our organization." "Well, yeah." "He could stand right here." "I'm thinkin' he could stand right where you're standin'." "Well, then, where would Joey stand?" "Oh." "Am I goin' for a ride?" "Excuse me, Harley." "Sir, about that guy you wanted to meet..." "Did I say you could eavesdrop on a senior conversation?" "Did your little seventh-grade ears hear something they shouldn't have heard?" "For your sake, I truly hope not." "Yeah, 'cause Harley's got a whole locker full of ears from guys who've done the same thing." "Their glasses hang crooked now 'cause they got no ears!" " How much to keep the ears?" " A buck." "Thank you!" "Shawn, are you farther gone than I ever would've imagined?" "No, no." "I'm not gone." "I've arrived!" "I am known!" "I rule this school!" "My fame here will live forever." "Except nobody knows you did this." "What, you think that bothers me?" "I know I did it, and that's good enough for me." "I wonder who did this?" "If it was my boyfriend, I would do anything for him." "Oh, it's killing me!" "OK, The Scarlet Letter..." "Hester Prynne has a red letter "A" on her dress." "Now, everybody knows what the "A" stands for, right?" "Boring?" "Hey, everybody, don't laugh at Matthews, OK?" "He's never seen an A before." "OK, the buzz is all over the Massachusetts Colony that Hester has taken the pure out of Puritan." "It's scandal." "It's gossip." "It could've come right out of today's headlines." "(laughter)" "Ahem." "Mr. Feeny, good morning." "Actually, Mr. Turner, I've had better." "You see, I have been forced on this particular morning to go from room to room, asking anyone with information about this little journalistic prank to come forward." "Hmm?" "I will go a lot easier on the perpetrator if he or she or they voluntarily confess." "No?" "Very well." "I will now return you to your lecture on on the letter "A."" "Keep up the good work." "Eric, my son, how was your day?" "Oh, wow, that's pretty hysterical." "Yeah, I laughed at it myself." "My girlfriend, however, failed to see the humor." "She said her efforts at journalistic excellence have been forever compromised by my limited intellect and profound immaturity." " And what did you say?" " I said, "Bite me."" "So, you're back on the market." "You'll find someone." "Dad, I was dating the editor of the school newspaper." "It was a status relationship." "It made me somebody special." "Eric, I think you're somebody special." "Oh, you have to." "You had me and you're stuck with me." "Well, that's true." "But sooner or later, love will softly sneak up on you and wrap you in its gentle embrace." "You forgot to clean out the garage." "And it's a beautiful thing." "Oh, look, George is on the cover... oh." "Weeny!" "Isn't that the greatest thing you ever saw?" " No." " Second greatest?" "It says "Weeny"!" " How could this have happened?" " I don't know!" "Molly proofread the whole thing right before..." " Wait a minute." " You're lying!" "You have no proof." "You were the last one in the newspaper office before the disks went to the printers." "Cory, did you have something to do with this?" "No." "I did not do this, nor did I do it." "Weeny!" "It says "Weeny"!" "I can read!" "I don't understand this." "How can you... what is there not to understa..." "Molly, hi!" "Get out of my sight, you vermicular miscreant." "So, how's it goin' with Molly?" "There's no talking to her." "She's a vicious, humorless man killer who leaves nothing but a trail of misery and crushed hearts in her wake." "So, it's OK if I call her?" "Jason, I'm through with women for my junior year, OK?" "The next time you see me about to fall in love with some beautiful, heartless bag of misery, I want you to talk me down." "You got it." "And can I call her?" " Oh!" " Ugh!" " My shoes!" " Your shoes?" "My shoes!" " I just bought mine!" " I just bought mine in New York." " Oh, my pants!" " My blouse!" "My hair..." "My, my!" "My, oh, my!" "Uh, bag of misery, bag of misery, bag of misery." "Yeah, I know." "You're right." "I'm sorry I bumped into you." "I'll just get out of your way." "Oh, well, that's a shame, because my family just moved here from Atlanta, and it's my senior year in a brand new school, and I'm just so utterly, utterly lost." " You're a senior?" " Misery bag!" " Senior!" " Old misery bag." "Look, I know." "You're right." " Are you doing anything right now?" " No." "Well, then, you're gonna want to get these." "Desiree Emmeline Hollinger Beaumont, but you may call me "Desiree."" "Eric Matthews." "You may call me "Desiree."" "OK, a rumor was going around school that the "weeny" headline was just a typo... that nobody did it, like I don't exist." "Check it out." "Now I exist." "I am somebody!" "Oh!" "What a beauty, huh?" "Oh!" "I snuck in early this morning and changed it." "Looks like the real thing, doesn't it?" "Except for this drip." "Shawn, Shawn, Shawn, you're out of control!" "Yeah, I am." "Tell your friends." "There's your man, Mr. Weeny." "Mr. Feeny, I did not paint this "W."" "And the headline in the school newspaper?" " It wasn't me!" " Mr. Matthews, our own esteemed Janitor Bud placed you at the scene of the crime." "I seen him with my good eye." " Well, that'll be all, Janitor Bud." " Aye, aye, sir." "Out of my way, you little puke machines!" "Scene of the crime?" "Janitor Bud said he saw you and another boy toying with the computer after school." "Unfortunately, he didn't get a good look at your accomplice." "Mr. Feeny, I'm totally innocent." "My hands are clean!" "Oh!" "I didn't do it, I swear!" "All right, then give me the name of the person who did." "I see." "Mr. Matthews, you have until the end of school tomorrow to give me the perpetrator's name." "Otherwise, you will be suspended." "Hey, how you folks doin'?" " Better than you." " Mr. Feeny called." "He told us he's meeting with you in his office tomorrow." "He also said to ask you what it's about." "OK, look." "I am in this sort of a situation and I don't exactly know what to do." "Well, if you want to, you could talk to us." "'Cause we're gonna make you." "All right." "I've got this friend who's pulled a major scam at school." " Shawn." " Not Shawn." " Shawn!" " Fine, Mom, think it's Shawn, because that protects the kid it really is." " Anyway, this kid did something." " With a newspaper headline." "Yeah, it could be." "Now, Mr. Feeny..." "he knows I didn't do it, but he also thinks he knows I know who did do it." " Shawn." " Not Shawn." " Shawn!" " Amy, he says it's not Shawn." " I believe him." " Obviously it's Shawn." "Well, I don't care who it is." "A friend does not rat out a friend." "What are you, in a prison movie?" "There are consequences." "Oh, what's the worst that Feeny can do?" "Well, he's threatening to suspend me." "Oh, great, a big red "S" on his permanent record." "Oh, nobody looks at that." "Who looks at that?" "Some colleges he applies to." "Any college will let you in as long as you have enough money." " Do we have enough money?" " No." "You have to rat out your friend 'cause we're poor." "What possessed Shawn to do something like this?" "I don't know." "He just wanted to be someone special, and not some seventh-grade nothing." "Maybe when you get a little older and a little more mature, maybe you'll realize that stunts and gimmicks are not what make you special." "I'm dating a senior." "I'm special!" "I am fabulous." "I have a tremendous newfound sense of self-worth." " Nothing bad can happen, right?" " (all) No, no." "Good!" "Mr. Matthews, I trust you're not forgetting our 3:30 meeting." "Come on, Mr. Feeny." "It was just a little prank." "Don't you think you're maybe taking it too seriously?" "Ah." "You think I'm acting like a weenie, Mr. Matthews." " Am I acting like a weenie?" " You know I didn't do anything." "But I know you know who did, and until you tell me who it is, the only person I can talk to is you." " 3:30, Mr. Matthews." " 3:30, Mr. Feeny." " Did you tell him?" " What do you think?" " Thanks, man." " You're welcome." "'Cause it was just a little prank, right?" "And nothing else is ever gonna happen again, right?" "Right." "It's never gonna happen again." "So, have you seen this?" ""Corrections:" "A typographical error in our last edition incorrectly named the new principal as Mr. George Weeny."" " Good, it's over." " Read on, little buddy." ""His true name is..." ""..." "Weeny Weeny." ""Weeny, Weeny, Weeny, Weeny, Weeny, Weeny, Weeny, Weeny." ""Continued on page three, column one." "Weeny!"" " Are you completely deranged?" " Yes, I am." " But I didn't do this." " You didn't?" "No!" "Somebody ripped my idea." "I'll never be a legend now." "I'm laughin'." "I'm hysterical." "I'm rolling on the floor." "It has imagination." "It has daring." "It has a certain kind of... flair." "You hear that, Frankie?" "Harley says we got flair." "This was your work?" "Well, you know how you said it was gonna be somebody else standing' here instead of me and Frankie standing' here, and, well, maybe it was just the motivation we needed." "We did it for you." "May I say that right now," "I'm having a moment." "I wanna blow my nose on that kid." "Yo, kid, it's your lucky day!" "Now, after school, you can drive me down to the mall, because I have no idea where anything is yet." "And while I'm investigating the finer stores, you can take my new kitten that Daddy bought me, and have him neutered." "Who's your little Georgia peach?" "You are." "And who's my little Yankee Doodle?" "I am." "Ooh, whoo!" "On the cheek!" "She's a senior!" "Is that why you're getting neutered?" "The cat's getting neutered." "Maybe you can get a two-for-one deal." " Or am I too late?" " Hey, hey." "This happens to be a relationship between two complete equals." "Do you know, my little puff pastry, there's just a lick of winter in the air?" "Would you mind, before picking me up, just drivin' around the block for 40 minutes while the heater's on, so the inside of the car's all nice and toasty?" "Would you do that for me?" "Say, "Yes, puddin'."" "Yes..." "I believe the woman wants pudding'." "...puddin'." "Oh, you know, I hope that when I get a girlfriend, she respects me the exact same way she respects you." "And if I do, I want you to drive your car around the block for 40 minutes till the heater gets all nice and toasty and then I want you to run me over." "Would you do that for me, puddin'?" "So, you gonna be shootin' some hoops today after school?" "I can't." "I got this little meeting with Mr. Feeny where he's gonna ask me some questions about something I didn't do." "And if I don't tell him who did, I get suspended." "And I totally appreciate you doing this for me." "I mean, after I blew up that mailbox last year," "Dad said one more screwup and he'd ship me off to military school." "You know, I can only cover for you for so long." "How long?" ""Weeny, Weeny, Weeny, Weeny," ""Weeny, Weeny and Weeny."" "Don't be late, Mr. Matthews." "Go easy on 'em, George." "They're at a new school." "As am I, Mr. Turner, as am I." "So in the end, Hester Prynne is faced with a pretty tough decision, huh?" "Does she rat on the person who's responsible for her predicament, or does she keep his secret and face the scorn of society?" "Pretty relevant stuff." "Eh, Matthews?" "Eh, Hunter?" "Sir!" "It stood for adultery, sir!" "I was practicing for military school." "(bell rings)" "Matthews, hang for a minute, will you?" "I can't, sir." "I've got a date with destiny." "You could be late." "What's Feeny gonna do, suspend you?" "He's going so psycho over this, don't you think?" "I think when you're new at a school like you and me, first impressions really stick." "They decide your reputation." "What if tomorrow you raised your hand and I said," " "What do you want, booger?"" " Would you do that?" "It'd probably follow you all through high school." "Maybe all your life people would call you "booger."" " Would you do that?" " I'm the teacher." "I can do whatever I want." "I wield the power to inform and to influence." "So do people who make funny newspaper headlines about the principal who's new in school, like you and me." "So you're saying I should squeal on my friend?" " No, I'm not." " So I should cover for him?" " I'm not saying that, either." " So, what are you saying?" "I was hoping you'd know." "You're not really gonna call me "booger," are you?" "I'll see how I feel." "Listen, about the headline and all... well, I'm sorry for what happened." "Must've hurt being called..." "you know." "Wasn't as if I never heard it before." "It was practically my nickname growing up." "Uh, that's not to leave this room." "I guess it's more of a big deal than I thought." "As principal of this high school, I'm expected to keep order." "Unchecked, these pranks undermine my authority and breed disrespect." "So I guess I get punished for something I didn't do." "Name the person who did, and you walk out of here scot-free." "I'm sorry, I can't do that." "You thought about this, and that's your final decision?" "Yeah." "You've decided that protecting a friendship is more important than the grisly punishment I shall now dispense?" "Mr. Feeny, he didn't mean to hurt anyone." "He just wanted to do something that would make him somebody special." "Ah." "To be somebody special is a quality from within, Mr. Matthews." "To give you an example, I think it's a very rare quality for you to put a friend's welfare before your own." "But, just a second ago, you wanted me to rat on him." "As the new principal, yes." "But as your teacher, as someone who lived next door and watched you grow up I never expected it for a moment." " So how long am I suspended for?" " You're not." "Detention for five days." "One day for each letter in "weeny."" "Which, in this instance, should properly be spelled" "W-E-E-N-I-E." "Shouldn't it, Mr. Hunter?" " You told him?" " What do you think?" "I think you wouldn't." "I'm an idiot!" "He refused to rat you out, Mr. Hunter, and he now faces a week of detention in your honor." "But the punishment for not being caught, Mr. Hunter, is far, far worse." "I did it, Mr. Feeny." "I confess!" "I will be watching you every moment of your high school career." "Which, in your case, could be decades." " But I just confessed." " Too late, Mr. Hunter." "You are my new special friend." "Why didn't you turn me in?"