"Honey, i'm throwing this out." "Oh, please don't." "Look how ugly it is." "Still." "It's an asparagus teapot." "My cousin sharon gave it to us." "Do you ever see sharon?" "No." "Is sharon ever coming over here?" "No." "Does she like asparagus tea?" "No." "I'm throwing it out." "Please don't." "♪ tell me why ♪" "♪ i love you like i do ♪" "♪ tell me who ♪" "♪ can stop my heart as much as you ♪" "♪ let's take each other's hand ♪" "♪ as we jump into the final frontier ♪" "♪ i'm mad about you, baby ♪" "♪ yeah ♪" "♪ i'm mad about you ♪" "♪ whoo-Hoo ♪♪" "Can i help you?" "Yes, please." "Six cannolis, please." "Séi cannoli." "I just did." "God, i love coming here" "Will you stop staring?" "You know how she looks." "I am going to marry her." "You don't think she's beautiful?" "She's gorgeous." "Magnificent." "Stunning." "Aphrodite and helen of troy." "You don't have a shot." "Oh, yeah?" "She's out of your league." "What do you mean my league?" "Your league." "Look," "You are in your league," "Which is a good league." "Triple "a."" "So much of the world's pain" "Has started with that very sentence." "O.K., you know everything." "It just so happens" "That i've made some progress with her." "With her?" "Yeah." "That's why she hasn't looked at you?" "You can tell." "When they're pumping the cream," "That's when you got them." "She's playing it cool in front of the old man." "[Speaking italian]" "Excuse me." "Sure." "I'm just so surprised italy let this guy go." "What i'd give to be that napoleon right now." "What's the matter with you?" "Do you understand how the world works?" "Women like that don't go for guys like us." "They don't see us." "They don't even notice us." "Although..." "Jamie, help me out here." "I'm confused." "This is what, your receipts?" "These are my business expenses," "These are from paul's business," "And these are miscellaneous receipts" "From stuff we did together" "But might be deductible as something." "You can tell us what." "Rowboat rental, $18." "O.K., right there." "This was paul's idea." "We went rowing," "But we were complaining about our jobs." "Throw that out." "Next year, when the baby comes..." "Knock on wood, it should only happen." "We'll be more creative" "With your deductions." "Put files in his crib and say it's office furniture." "Yecch." "What?" "I'm just sick of myself." "I'm sick of my whole faux natural..." ""I just woke up this way" "But we all know it took hours" look." "You look beautiful." "You know what i am?" "I'm 32." "This exemption from three years ago," "However, is worthless." "We never sent that in?" "I'm holding it." "Oh, well, oops." "I'll take care of that." "See this?" "These guys right here." "These are all stress." "This one right here, that's paul." "I have that wrinkle." "And this one right here" "Is actually also paul." "What is wrong with you?" "I'm 32 years old" "I don't want to go down looking like this." "Hey." "Hey." "Deb, you're still here." "How we doing?" "I may be able to keep you out of prison." "That's all we would ask." "Hey." "How are you?" "I'm 32." "All right." "So i didn't miss much." "You have to try these." "Unbelievable." "What, what's in there?" "Little pastries made for you by the italian people." "Ira's going out with that girl now." "What girl?" "This beautiful girl." "What beautiful girl?" "I didn't tell you" "About this beautiful girl in the bakery?" "There's a beautiful girl in the bakery." "Ira's going out with her now." "Well, good for ira." "Like, unbelievably beautiful." "No exaggeration." "Possibly the most beautiful woman i've ever seen." "I get nervous talking to her." "So how's work?" "Work." "Everybody hates me there." "They do not." "So, this woman, ira's new girlfriend," "What, exactly, is so beautiful about her?" "Yes." "Go." "Share all the details with your wife." "Is this a thing?" "I can't share this with you?" "Of course you can." "Am i being unreasonable?" "A person can't share with their partner" "That somebody else is attractive?" "No." "Go ahead." "Seriously." "We're interested." "O.K." "All i'm saying is that this woman has a quality..." "She's a mysterious, like an ethnic, you know?" "She's just, like, a beauti..." "Look, you know." "You... you are a tremendously beautiful woman." "You really are." "Yours is a sophisticated..." "it's very intelligent..." "It's like an accessible kind of beauty, you know?" "This woman..." "What?" "This...this woman..." "it's like a..." "It's like a raw, dramatic kind of beauty." "Dramatic?" "Just forget the whole thing." "What?" "Forget it." "She asked." "I did." "I want to hear it." "What did you say?" "You said she's dramatic?" "My point..." "My point was this." "She..." "There is beautiful and then there's beautiful." "There's beautiful in the jamie sense," "Which is tremendously beautiful" "And, believe me, all i would ever need." "Then there's beautiful in the sense of this woman," "Which is like an organically, cosmically," "Like, no more beautiful than you." "It's not a measure..." "It..." "look...you know..." "See, you know what?" "The truth is, she..." "That's her only thing, see?" "Her beauty." "So she has that." "She has the beauty," "Whereas you have so many gifts, you know?" "Whereas to you, god gave with both hands, and she..." "That's it." "That's, like, you know..." "She's, like, she's pathetic is what she is." "You kind of..." "You have to feel sorry for her." "So ira met a pretty girl." "That's all i'm saying." "It's a pleasure to meet you." "And it's a pleasure to meet you." "It's a pleasure to meet you." "Actually, you know, we met." "We did." "At the bakery." "I didn't think you would remember" "Because you were right in the middle of..." "Yeah." "We were doing this." "That's what you were doing." "That's all right." "It's only me." "My wife's on her way." "She'll kiss me plenty." "Right, splinky?" "Yeah, that's right." "Splinky, what is this splinky?" "What does it mean?" "It's nothing." "It's just a nickname from when we were kids." "Paulie." "Tell a funny story." "Break the ice." "When we were kids, my mom got a bikini..." "A bikini as a gift." "Somebody gave it to her." "She would never wear it, so," "This guy, he's crazy." "He's wearing it around the house." "We were 5 years old." "It means nothing." "So he was wearing it," "And you could see through the material." "You could see his splinky." "So we would say splinky." "That's...that's..." "I don't know where jamie is." "I'll call her." "Excuse me." "You like it?" "Yeah, so i do like your hair." "Yes." "It seems like you do." "That's not bad, huh?" "That's six hours, 42 minutes" "Of pretty much intimate lovemaking." "Pretty much." "[Telephone rings]" "And i got to say" "You were crucial to so many parts of it." "Hello." "She dumped me, paulie." "Yeah, two weeks, four days, two hours," "And she dumped me like the queen of spades." "Boy, i'm sorry." "I feel terrible about it." "Um, can i call you back?" "Oh, no." "Don't bother." "You o.K.?" "Thanks a lot." "Thanks a lot for nothing." "He just hung up on me." "Why?" "Why?" "'Cause everybody hates me." "Not everybody." "Hello there." "Hey, nat." "Oh, hey there, mrs." "Buchman." "Sorry." "I didn't realize you'd be home." "Aw, that's o.K." "No, 'cause you know," "Otherwise i would have knocked" "Or rung the bell" "Or made some other form of, uh," "Treaty of entry here." "Hey." "Hey." "Ho there." "Oh, well, you like it?" "Jiminy." "Jiminy?" "What does that mean?" "Jiminy is like willickers or jeepers." "It's in the "wow" family." "You don't like it." "No, no, no." "You can say if you don't like it." "It's o.K." "No." "I just, uh..." "The question that i would ask..." "Is, uh..." "Why?" "Why what?" "Why would you?" "Oh." "Well, i guess i just felt" "Like i needed a change," "And i guess i just wanted to try something different." "But why do you want to try something different" "When you're already so..." "You are, uh..." "What?" "No, no." "You know, just..." "Well..." "Speaking...well, if i may just..." "Speak as a man..." "Um...well, um..." "May i speak as a man?" "Please." "Please." "I'm just going to let this rip." "I'm from the "if it ain't broke, don't fix it" school," "And, mrs." "Buchman, you were extremely not broke." "And i mean that with all due respect." "Oh." "Nat, that's very sweet." "Forgive me if i'm speaking out of line." "I know i'm just here to walk the dog," "And that's irrespective of your color." "Whatever you do on a follicular level," "It's none of my beeswax." "No, no, no, no, no." "Just, you know, out of curiosity," "How did mr." "Buchman react?" "Did he like it?" "He felt exactly the same way as you." "You see?" "Hey, ira?" "I?" "Hey, splinky?" "I'll give you splinky." "Hey, what are you doing?" "You killed me." "You sabotaged me." "What are you talking about?" "At lunch, the way you acted." "How did i act?" "71 times you told her," ""It's nice to meet you."" "Nobody's that nice to meet." "Get off of me, you nut job." "Then you told her about splinky." "How could you?" "One second, one second." "Get off of me." "Hold it." "Hold it." "What the hell are you talking about?" "You were jealous, weren't you?" "I was jealous of what?" "Of the fact that for the first time" "Since the fourth grade," "I had a hotter girl than you." "O.K., first of all," "Could you be, like, less mature?" "Take that back." "I will not." "I will not." "Take it back." "What are you, 7 years old now?" "I'm 7 years old." "Jamie is just as hot as sophia." "You wish!" "She's more hot than sophia." "There's beautiful, and then there's beautiful." "You're so stupid." "You think there's some objective standard of beautiful?" "Yes!" "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder," "And don't forget it." "You nut!" "You're a lunatic, you known that?" "You know what i think?" "What?" "I think that's a bunch of crap." "All right." "Come on." "Stuff it with your beauty is in the eye of the beholder!" "There is no objective reality." "Get off me." "Admit it." "You were jealous." "Baloney!" "You wanted to behold what i beheld." "You deliberately tried to sabotage me." "You wouldn't quit until sophia was out of my life." "You're choking me here." "Get off!" "You nut!" "She was the one, paulie." "If i said something that embarrassed you" "Or caused you grievance," "I apologize." "I'm very sorry, o.K.?" "She was my tesoro." "I understand." "You know what that means?" "No." "What does that mean?" "I have no idea." "Well, you think about it." "I came here as a man of peace." "I came because i was concerned about your welfare." "This is the treatment i get." "I got a little hot." "I'm sorry." "Let me ask you something." "Do you really think that me telling her about splinky," "That that's..." "all right!" "You're not going to believe this." "He blames me for the whole sophia thing." "Ow!" "What?" "It ain't broke." "Don't fix it." "Ow!" "Well, let me just say everybody hates me." "They don't hate you." "I don't hate you." "I used to hate you." "What is that?" "During the divorce." "When?" "Why?" "Oh, hated your guts." "What is that all about?" "No, no, no, no." "Because every time i saw you," "You would mention fran." "Fran and jamie did this and that." "It's like you couldn't help yourself." "Why didn't you say something?" "Who could get a word in?" "Well, sorry." "Sorry." "It's blood under the bridge." "I don't hate you anymore." "Jaime doesn't hate you." "She's upset." "Why would she be so upset?" "That i like her hair?" "You know, when i was in nepal," "I'm chatting with this sherpa" "About the question of why," "Which in his language" "Is pronounced "nchtem,"" "And he said something very interesting." "He said that asking the question of why" "Is like pulling one leg off a centipede." "It gets you nowhere." "Why?" "Because..." "For every question why" "The answer is because," "And for every because, there's another why." "Why would she be so angry at me?" "Because she's afraid that after she has the baby..." "Hey, knock on wood." "Knock wood." "Because she's afraid that then" "She won't be attractive or sexy." "That's so stupid." "Why?" "See?" "Sherpa was right." "He was a wise man." "Sage." "He was a sage." ""You're about to use clairol balsam color."" "Duh." "[Telephone rings]" "Hello." "Is this jamie?" "Yes." "Who's this?" "Sophia, ira's friend." "Oh, hi, sophia." "How's everything?" "Not so good." "What's the problem?" "It's ira." "He won't leave me alone." "You have to come and get him." "How do you say?" "He's freaking out on the street." "Listen." "♪ and by the little jewelry shop ♪" "♪ we'll stop and linger ♪" "♪ while i buy a wedding ring ♪" "♪ for your finger ♪" "♪ in the meantime... ♪♪" "If you don't come and get him," "My father's going to beat him silly" "With a sfogliatelli." "A sfogliatelli." "With a what?" "It's a small italian pastry" "With cheese and sugar and..." "All right." "I'll be right there." "Taxi!" "Taxi!" "♪ though it's hard for us to whisper ♪" "[Screams in italian]" "Nutcake!" "Ira, please." "Please." "My father's going to call the police." "Pop, no." "♪ with that old moon ♪" "♪ above the mediterranean sea ♪" "Hey, mario lanza." "Hey, there." "How's it going?" "It's good." "Excuse me." "♪ in the morning... ♪♪" "Maybe not right now." "Nutcake!" "Nothing to see here." "Nothing to see here." "Everything all right?" "Oh, yeah." "I'm aces." "I got your note." "How are we doing?" "What do you care?" "We've got everything under control." "Why don't you go get us some biscotti?" "You don't like biscotti." "I'll get some biscotti." "Come here, you." "Sophia, buon giorno." "Buona notte." "It is too late for giorno." "Hope somebody told that to giorno." "What?" "Um, i think i need to apologize to you." "For what?" "I may have said something" "Or acted in a way at lunch" "That was demeaning to ira," "One thing in particular." "You mean splinky?" "Yes." "I think that was maybe inappropriate of me," "And, listen, if that had anything at all to do" "With the reason you and ira..." "Paul, i'm not breaking up with ira because of splinky." "No, i know." "Of course not." "I like splinky." "It was a cute story." "That's what i thought." "It's just..." "It's just so much with ira, you know?" "It's so much." "It's just so..." "Much." "I thought i sensed he was getting too much." "It's so much." "Yeah." "In all fairness," "I just think he likes you so much." "He gets a little nervous" "Because, not to embarrass you," "You're very beautiful." "No, no." "You are." "A lot of times guys get nervous" "In front of a beautiful woman," "Like a dramatic beauty." "Dramatic?" "Dramatic." "For instance, my wife," "It's a sophisticated beauty, different." "Can i get some biscotti, please?" "O.K." "And then he tells her the splinky story." "He told her the splinky story?" "What was he thinking?" "I don't know." "It's unbelievable to me." "I mean, james," "He was once a quality wingman." "Not that it's not a cute story." "Yeah, sure, you know the person a little." "Still, as much as i love" "To blame anything i possibly can on my husband," "It's not the kind of thing" "You break up over, you know?" "It's not?" "I don't know what happened to me, james." "This woman, she totally threw me off my game." "Happens to the best of us." "I don't know if i had a chance to tell you." "I really like your hair." "Thank you." "Hey!" "Well, you were right." "I was talking to sophia." "She told me i blew it for you" "Because she doesn't want to have anything to do" "With a guy who's got a cousin as dopey as me." "No kidding?" "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "So, forgive me?" "You had sfogliatelli, didn't you?" "Hey, from now on, doughnuts." "It'll be a lot easier on everybody." "All right." "And my beautiful little bride, how is she?" "She's brunette." "Brunette and beautiful." "Can i just say something?" "Listen to me." "As a brunette," "As a blonde," "As a bald lady like on star trek," "As a fat lady with 11 kids" "Or a small, little, petite lady with 15 kids," "As a hill person, as a sock," "Whatever you want, it's all good." "She's fine." "All right." "Look at this." "What?" "Everybody loves me." "That's better." "Come on." "I'm shattered, paulie." "I'm a shell of a man." "I understand." "I will never, ever love again." "I realize that." "Whooh." "♪ with the moon above ♪" "♪ the mediterranean sea ♪" "♪ in the morning, signorina, we'll go walking ♪" "♪ when the summer helps the sun ♪" "♪ turn into night ♪" "[Speaking italian] nutcake!" "♪ and by the little jewelry shop ♪" "♪ we'll stop and linger ♪" "♪ while i buy a wedding ring ♪" "♪ for your finger ♪" "♪ in the meantime, let me tell you that i love you ♪" "♪ buona sera, signorina ♪" "♪ kiss me good night ♪♪"