"(horns honking)" "(mellow rock intro playing)" "CLEVELAND:" "♪ When the day is long ♪" "♪ And the night ♪" "♪ The night is yours alone ♪" "♪ When you're sure you've had enough ♪" "♪ Of this life ♪" "♪ Well, hang on ♪" "♪ Don't let yourself go ♪" "♪ 'Cause everybody cries ♪" "♪ And everybody hurts ♪" "♪ Somet... ♪" "You've given me an idea." "No time to waste!" "Wait... do you still have that Moses staff?" "Sure do." "And... part!" "(thunder rumbling, people screaming)" "Uh, had it backwards." "Uh, Terry, do I have tiny Jews in my hair?" "Yeah, looks like it." "(laughs)" "(funky disco plays) ♪ My name is Cleveland Brown ♪" "♪ And I am proud to be ♪" "♪ Right back in my hometown ♪" "♪ With my new family ♪" "♪ There's old friends and new friends ♪" "♪ And even a bear ♪" "♪ Through good times and bad times ♪" "♪ It's true love we share ♪" "♪ And so I found a place ♪" "♪ Where everyone will know ♪" "♪ My happy mustached face ♪" "♪ This is The Cleveland Show. ♪" "( "La Cucaracha" plays) The Spanish ice cream truck's back!" "Let's buy some pot!" "(horn playing "La Cucaracha" )" "Oh, just Cleveland." "Hey, can we buy some pot?" "Marijuana is illegal and immoral." "No, wait." "That's cocaine." "No, I don't have any marijuana." "I am here to talk to you about selling beer on the freeway." "That's right." "I've invented a beer truck!" "The business strategy is in your investment packets." "I'm in." "Me, too." "I just got to show this to my lawyer." "I don't know, Cleveland." "It's just that me and Kendra have been sort of in-between jobs for the last 34 years." "Money's a little tight." "But if you invest what little money you have in my beer truck idea, you're guaranteed to make a million dollars or less." "Fine." "I'll ask my wife." "Oh, yeah, because if there are two things women are great at, it's managing money and not killing dreams." "Ha!" "(all laughing)" "So, I thought if I took our savings, our couch money, and redeemed our Camel Bucks..." "But that scrilla's got to last us our whole lives." "I mean, what are the odds of me falling in Wal-Mart again?" "Please?" "!" "No, Lester." "The answer is no." "Now, why don't you get in here with me?" "How?" "(laughs)" "Come on, Rallo, you're up." "Rallo, you've grown a foot and a half!" "Young man, it is time I give you another haircut." "No offense, Mama, but I'm ready to get a real haircut from someone who's qualified to cut hair." "Oh, so, suddenly, my Master's in Cosmetology means nothing?" "Yeah." "Suddenly." "Well, then I guess I can't help you with that." "Little smart ass." "I now christen thee, "Beer Force One."" "(cheering)" "(whooping)" "(tires squealing)" "Guys!" "Wait for me!" "It's Lester." "What's he doing?" "Looks like he's jogging and carrying a big jar of money." "That's how McConaughey works out." "I'm in!" "I knew you'd come around!" "We need you!" "Give me your hand!" "Cleveland, slow down a little!" "He's not gonna make it!" "The hell he's not." "I'm gonna slow down a little more." "(both panting, crying)" "(brakes squeak)" "Two lights, two regulars!" "Two lights, two regulars!" "We're tapped out!" "Sorry, folks." "That's all for today." "(crowd grumbling and muttering)" "We've really done something here today." "TIM:" "Uh, guys, you might want to come out here and take a look at this." "(broken glass tinkling, men crying and groaning)" "Oh, well." "I guess we've learned not to invest our own money in our harebrained ideas." "Good night, everybody!" "Whoa, whoa." "Cleveland, I put everything I had into this truck!" "I'm screwed!" ""Bankrumpt"!" "It's "rupt."" "Hey, you guys moving?" "What?" "!" "No, I told you, Cleveland." "We've lost everything, and it's all your fault!" "You tricked me with your Obama-like eloquence and "tell-you-no-lie" mustache." "Ma'am, we're going to need your Rascal." "Oh, not the Rascal." "I'm sorry." "(grunting) (high-pitched groaning)" "Hey, Tony, we got a fatty." "A little bologna here?" "(grunting excitedly)" "(mutters)" "You come back here with that bologna!" "(engine starting)" "(rumbling, wood creaking)" "There goes your house!" "Kendra, I'll do whatever it takes to make this right." "I'll be at Mother's." "Thanks a lot, Cleveland." "Uh, leak!" "HORSE RACING ANNOUNCER:" "And they're off!" "Hey!" "Murray!" "And a black kid!" "Boys, this is my friend, Rallo, and he needs a man's haircut." "Rallo, this is Vinnie." "Oh, Rallo, "fuggedaboutit"!" "Well, that seems authentic." "Here, grab a magazine and tell me what we're doing today." "Just take me back down to a Lionel Jefferson." "Whoa, these ladies are naked!" "I mean, I've seen plenty of naked ladies in my..." "Oh, she ain't got no wiener!" "What happened to her wiener?" "!" "Someone got it." "Just like I got your nose!" "(laughs)" "She never had a wiener, did she?" "She's had lots of wieners, Rallo." "(Kendra grunting outside)" "Oh, hey, it's you." "You ever catch that bologna?" "Read this." "Blah, blah, blah, "failure,"" "blah, blah, blah, "life not worth living,"" "blah, blah, blah, blah, misspelled "suicide."" "Who is this even from?" "!" "It's from Lester, and he says he's driving your dang beer truck over Suicide Falls!" "My deposit!" "And Lester!" "(brakes screech)" "Oh!" "There he is!" "He might make it across!" "Nope." "He gone." "(playing slow, somber version of "Turkey in the Straw")" "We gather here today to mourn the loss of Lester Krinklesac." "One can never know what would drive a man to take his own life." "Oh, wait." "I have a suicide note right here." "Let me read it." "Huh." "Apparently, he met financial ruin after some damn fool convinced him to invest in a... get this... beer truck." "Oh, boy, here we go." "Blame the beer truck." "I do not blame the beer truck, but the greed and the dumb-ass-itude of whoever was behind the beer truck!" "Ah!" "Swearing during a funeral!" "He's swearing during a funeral!" "I know." "I just feel so terrible." "He was my friend." "And I made him do this." "Yes, you did!" "You killed this man as surely as Cain killed Abel or Ebert killed Siskel." "Two thumbs down to the serpent who led Lester astray!" "For he shall burn in Hell!" "(crying, clears throat)" "Well, at least we'll be in Hell together." "Me?" "Why?" "Because of all your texting and driving." "Driving is boring." "MAN IN CAR:" "You did this!" "All right!" "Drive safe!" "You know, we should offer to take her in." "Or at least make an empty gesture." "Hey, Kiki." "Taking a little break?" "Well, being a widow ain't as glamorous as Courtney Love makes it look." "Mm-hmm, mm-hmm." "So, Kendra, you need a place to stay, or no, you're fine?" "Oh, I wouldn't want to be a burden." "Then say no." "Then again, if it'll ease some of your guilt," "I suppose it's the least I can do." "DONNA:" "The least you can do is not do it!" "Donna, she is a shamefully obese widow!" "She's staying with us!" "By the way, how's Ernie?" "He's away at the job he took when we lost the money." "(men grunting with effort)" "Oh, God!" "My legs!" "(claws clacking, men yelling)" "Never a dull moment, huh?" "(man screams)" "Wheeeee!" "(boys laughing)" "You boys watching The Squeakquel?" "Nah, I was just telling them a joke" "I heard at Murray's barbershop." "Suffice it to say, it has to do with a traveling salesman and a farmer's daughter with teeth in a place you might not expect." "(all laughing)" "You are not to set foot in that disgusting barbershop ever again!" "Aw, man." "Murray and his friends are so lucky their mamas are dead." "Ooh, damn, Rallo." "I know, I shouldn't have said it." "God, please don't take my mama!" "Miss Kendra ate all the marshmallows out of my cereal." "That's just fantastic." "Sorry, Junior, but she's only here for a few days." "And actually, some people eat cereal without marshmallows." "Well, not me." "The floor can have this, 'cause it's useless." "I'm going to Denny's for some pancakes." "Did somebody say pancakes?" "Aw, man." "KENDRA:" "Uh-oh." "Cleveland?" "(sighs)" "Check it, Holmes." "Your air mattress done went flat on me." "That wasn't an air mattress." "It was a $1,500 Sealy Posturepedic Pillow Top." "Well, now it's a flat toilet." "Oh, God." "Aw, I gotta get back to that barbershop." "Hold still, Legolas." "We don't want your silky flaxen tresses to get caught in your bowstring at The Battle of Helm's Deep." "Or maybe I'll bring the barbershop to me." "You're pretty." "Prettier than I'll ever be." "(grunting)" "(chuckles) I'm just playing." "Yes, Kendra, I've come all the way to the Fluvanna County Mall and you're right, they do make Kevlar panty hose." "(sighs wearily)" "MAN (bad British accent):" "Can I interest you in some cologne?" "(spritzing)" "(bad British accent):" ""Mannish" by Hillary Swank?" "Lester?" "!" "Oh, my God!" "Lester!" "You're alive!" "Pardon me, my dear sir, but I do believe you have me confused with someone else." "As you can see here on my name plate, my name is "Lestah."" "I'm sorry, I had you confused with some..." "Aha!" "Aah!" "I got Swank-eye!" "I reek of false humility!" "Lester, wait." "Ill buy two bottles of that cologne." "You mean it?" "Yes." "You buy three, you get a folding umbrella." "I don't need three." "Lester, you've got to come home." "(thunder crashing)" "All right, I'll buy three." "But, Lester, how did you do it?" "I mean, I saw you drive over that cliff." "You saw what looked like me appear to drive over what seemed like a cliff." "Actually, it was a cliff." "That was probably confusing." "Here, let me explain." "As the truck headed toward the cliff," "I deftly maneuvered the door lock mechanism into its "unlock" mode." "Then I wrapped my fingers around the door release lever and applied pressure, causing the door to swing free on its hinges." "With no time to spare, I sent an electrical impulse from my brain to my leg muscles, instructing them to extend quickly and forcefully, thus propelling my body out of the vehicle." "So, you jumped out of the truck." "Yep." "And you faked your death... but why?" "(sighs)" "Haven't you ever felt like the world would be better off without you?" "(funky disco plays) ♪ My name is Glenn Quagmire ♪" "♪ And I say giggity ♪" "♪ Giggity, giggity ♪" "♪ Giggity, giggity, giggity, giggity, giggity, giggity... ♪" "No." "The world needs me." "LESTER:" "Well, here it is." "Check it out, Cleveland." "Futon... not too bad." "Mini-fridge... not too bad." "My roommate Dean Cain... bad." "Your wife needs you." "And I need you to get her out of my house." "She's turned the place into Jabba's palace." "(noisy chewing)" "(evil laughter)" "That was the whole joke?" "I sat in the damn makeup chair for seven hours for this?" "Look, Cleveland, I've been with Kendra since my sophomore year in high school, when she was my guidance counselor." "She guided me to drop out of school and shack up with her." "She was a horrible guidance counselor." "My point is," "I've never had a chance to live on my own without Kendra." "And I found out it's great." "I can do whatever I want." "Don't you get it?" "When I died, I finally felt alive." "And I'm never going back." "Well, I guess the Lester I knew... is dead." "Good-bye, Cleveland." "You'd better get out of here before Dean Cain gets home." "He is a horrible human being." "(loud snoring) Kids, good news." "Bomb threat at the school." "Mama's home early." "Sweet pearls and Jheri curls!" "Here's your cut, Big Man." "Oh boy!" "Thanks, Mr. Rallo." "Mama!" "Aah!" "Rallo, why are all these men in my kitchen?" "(gasps) Are they smoking my cigars?" "Miss Donna, you need to relax." "Have a seat, honey." "My chair is a no-stress zone." "Uh-uh, Junior." "Nobody touches my hair." "Not even me." "Shh." "Shh." "Shh." "We all know it's a wig." "Now, let's see what we can do with what God gave you." "♪ ♪" "Well, what do you think?" "Ooh, I look like Beyoncé." "Well..." "Kiki, this is very hard." "I have no idea how to tell you that Lester's alive, but what I want to say is..." "Lester's alive?" "!" "Oh!" "See?" "She already knows." "And here I am walking on eggshells." "And bacon." "And garlic toast." "And chili cheese fries." "And what's that green thing?" "Piece of lettuce I picked off a burger." "(splutters)" "Mama, look at all these women." "You've ruined my barbershop, just like that Beauty Shop movie ruined the Barbershop franchise." "Again, Rallo, just because we're black, that doesn't mean we have to pretend" "Barbershop was a good movie." "Aw, heck with this, I'm going back to Vinnie's." "You most certainly are not, young man." "Oh, I'm not?" "You realize Junior answers to me." "If I say the word, you go back to looking like James Brown." "♪ ♪" "Fine." "Go." "Look who's back, you old buzzards." "I'm sorry, our memories are not what..." "It's Rallo." "Rallo!" "(cheering and coughing)" "Hey, Rallo, here's a 20." "Run down to the liquor store and pick us up a bottle of gin, a bottle of scotch, and a box of matches so you got something to play with while we get drunk and take our naps." "All right!" "Hmm, I'm gonna try something." "Look who's back, you old buzzards." "I'm sorry, our memories are not what..." "It's Rallo." "Rallo!" "Hey, Rallo!" "Yay!" "Hey, give me 20 bucks, I'll run down to the liquor store and pick up a bottle of gin and a bottle of scotch." "Good idea." "(knocking on door)" "Hey, Cleveland." "I'm glad you came back." "I forgot to show you something." "Just got this." "They call it a shower curtain." "I reckon it's so when you pee, it don't spray all over the floor." "Lester, listen, there's someone who wants to talk to you." "(all grunting)" "(grunting continues)" "Kendra." "Lester Krinklesac, you pack your stuff and you get your skinny behind back to our home right now." "I'm tired of you telling me what to do." "I'm in charge here." "I have my freedom, I have my self-respect, and I have a jar of mayonnaise without finger marks inside it." "Mayonnaise is a finger food." "MAN:" "Talk faster!" "You know why I took that money, Kendra?" "Because I thought that if this beer truck worked" "I'd have finally done something that you're proud of, and you'd start respecting me." "You're right." "I don't respect you like I should." "But I'm gonna start tryin' really hard." "(men groaning)" "Just... get..." "back... together!" "I'm sorry, Lester." "I love you." "I'll do whatever it takes to get you to come back and stay on Cleveland's couch with me for the next few months." "(groans)" "Oh, Lester." "MAN:" "Don't do that!" "MAN 2:" "We're losing her!" "(screaming)" "(thud, bones crack)" "Kendra!" "I'm okay, but both my legs is broken." "And I crushed Dean Cain." "No one will miss him." "And we'll sue the movers." "We're back in business." "Cleveland, we're going home." "Hooray!" "Everything worked out for everybody." "Hey, look." "Them fins remind me of that movie." "(humming theme from Jaws)"