"She's definitely a Wendy." "He is clearly a Sam." "Dad, I think I know my own plant." "She's a Wendy." "Carol, I went to medical school, okay?" "So, I think I can settle that." "That's a Wendy." "What are you two doing?" "Well, it's an experiment." "I've been talking to Wendy here... and giving what's-his-name the silent treatment." "And we'll see which one grows faster." " And the winner becomes tonight's salad." " Dad." "There's a girl here for Mike." "Ben, did you just leave her standing outside?" "She's a girl, Mom." "What do you want me to do?" "Let her in?" "Sounds like you have some pretty strong feelings about girls." "No, I just don't like them." "Well, Ben, if a friend comes to the door... you should let them in." " Why, hello." " Hi." " Is Mike home?" " Possibly." "Quite possibly." "Let me check." "Maggie?" "Please, come in." "Thanks." "Would you like to have a seat?" "I'm Maggie, Mike's mother." "This is Jason." " Hello." " Ben." "Carol." " And you are?" " Lisa." "I'm Mike's, like, friend." "You have to forgive him, he doesn't like girls." "Well, actually, I, like, don't consider myself a girl." "I consider myself a woman." "And rightly so, I'm sure." "I'll call Mike." "Mike." "I'm sorry, he doesn't seem to be here." "Guess he doesn't like girls, either." "We'll see about that." "So, Lisa." "Dip?" " No." " No." "Hey, Lisa... what a pleasant surprise." "I was just in the neighborhood, breaking up with my old boyfriend." " Oh, yeah?" " Yeah." "He was just too immature." " Was he younger than you?" " No, he was 27." "What an amazing coincidence... 'cause I was just up on the phone, breaking up with my old girlfriend." "She was 43." "Yeah, in dog years maybe." "You guys haven't seen Uncle Steve in a while." "Why don't you go take a walk by his place?" "Mike, your uncle Steve's in Connecticut." "So?" "And he's dead." "Should you guys go have a snack?" "Right, okay." "All right, come on, guys." " Lisa, very nice to meet you." " You, too." "See you, Maggie." "You don't mind if I call you Maggie, do you?" "No." "God, Dad, do you believe the top that girl was wearing?" "I didn't notice." "Come on, Dad, she might as well have had no shirt on at all." "Well, all things considered..." "I'm glad she didn't choose to go that route." "Me, too." "Carol, why don't you take Ben and go outside." " Why?" " Because I need to talk to your father." "About Mike's friend with the major-league yabos?" "Out!" "Both of you." "What are we supposed to do outside?" "I don't care." "Talk to the lawn." "No." "It needs mowing as it is." "Did you see the top that girl was wearing?" "Jason, she's a tramp." "Come on, Maggie." "No." "I mean, I admit she doesn't dress with a lot of..." "Clothing." "Taste." "But we don't know anything about the girl." "Jason, she was going out with a 27-year-old." "And that makes her a tramp?" "Well, maybe they shared the same interests." "That makes her a tramp." "Oh, Maggie." "Jason, she doesn't even giggle... the way a 15-year-old is supposed to giggle." "Well, I'll call the National Guard." "You know what I mean." "When a 15-year-old girl comes to my door, asking for my son... she should feel awkward and uncomfortable." "With this girl, I feel awkward and uncomfortable." "See, she giggles." "My mistake." "So, do you think you guys could leave?" " Why?" " So we can have some juice." "You mean, you can't have juice with us in the room?" "Fine, fine." "But I don't know why you guys bought a house with nine rooms... if you're not gonna use them." "Subtle, Mike." "So anyway, when I told Ed I was breaking up with him, he, like, cried." " It was so pathetic." " Yeah, that is pathetic." "I, like, never cry." "Really?" "Well, once when a car rode over my foot, I winced." "You're, like, so cute, Mike." "Hey, what can I say?" "Yeah, I'm cute." "I'm damn cute." "Plus, Ed was like super possessive." "I mean, he, like, got upset because I went camping with Phil Crawly..." " who's, like, just a friend, basically." " Basically?" " Mom." " I'm sorry." "Lisa... so how did your parents feel about you going out with a 27-year-old?" " Like, my mother, she was bummed." " Really?" "Like, I think she wanted to go out with him." "I take it your parents are no longer together then?" " What makes you say that?" " Nothing." "Never mind." "So, like anyway, Mike, you wanna do something tonight?" "Well, I did just end a very special relationship." "But I think I've moped around about that long enough." "Mike, don't forget that your father and I are going out... with the Koosmans tonight, and you have to baby-sit Ben and Carol." "Can't we get a sitter?" "On this short notice, not one without an axe." "So?" "Ben and Carol are quick on their feet." " Mike?" " Okay, okay." "Hey, Mike, maybe I could, like, come over here tonight." "Yeah!" "That'd be..." "Probably a very boring way for Lisa to spend a Saturday night." "No, it wouldn't be boring, Maggie." "I just love baby-sitting." "What a woman, huh, Mom?" "You betcha." "You are the ugliest plant alive." "Carol told me privately that she hates you." " Ben, what are you doing?" " Nothing, Mom." " Okay, all set?" " Yeah." " So?" "Did you talk to him?" " Yeah." "Well, what did you say?" "Well, pretty much what you and I discussed." "Like what, specifically?" "Well, you know, it was one of those father-son talks." "Forgive me, Jason." "I have never had one of those father-son talks." " What did you say?" " Well, that's where I say:" ""How you doing, Son?" He says, "Pretty good, Dad."" "I say, "Is that mousse in your hair, or is it wet..."" "Jason, get to the good part." "Honey, I just told him that in general..." "I think that it's better to start slowly with a relationship... to get to know somebody, to get a..." " A medical report." " That, too, I guess." "So..." "Well, what do you think they'll do tonight?" "Well, they'll probably watch TV." "Jason, what if they don't watch TV?" "I mean, he's only 15." "He's too young to not watch TV." "Well, if two teenage kids want to get together and not watch TV... they're gonna find a way to do it." "I'm tired." "Let's stay home." " Maggie." " I wanna watch The Love Boat." "Bob and Ellen are picking us up in three minutes." "Are you sure we shouldn't stay home?" "You know, what you have to remember is that no matter where we are... there's always that little voice inside Mike's head... saying, "Mike, this is your mother speaking."" "And that's when Mike says, "Ma, what are you doing here?"" "And the little voice says, "I just want to remind you that I love you..." ""and I'll always love you..." ""even if you break my heart by touching that girl somewhere."" "Okay, okay." "So you're saying I've already saddled him with enough guilt... to cripple him for life?" "No." "I'm saying that he knows our values... and he knows that we care about him." "And I know that he will consider that... anytime he makes one of life's big decisions." "I hope you're right." "Jason, we are not leaving this house." "Maggie, the Koosmans are here." "Let's just go." "To hell with the Koosmans." "Come on, guys, let's go!" "Do you want to go out there and tell Bob and Ellen... that we can't leave our house because there's a girl in it?" "Why not?" "Would you leave Carol in there with a boy... who looks like he just fell off an X-rated wedding cake?" "This is a double standard." "Nobody said life was fair, Maggie." "Let's go." "Honey, I know what you're feeling... but we should not try to make this decision for Mike." "And no matter what happens, he's gonna live through it." "That's comforting." "Hey, I saw her walk up." "At least he'll die happy." "I hate the Koosmans." "Hold me." "Do you know how long I've waited for this?" "For the opportunity to do this?" "This is an incredible opportunity for me to do what I've always..." "Shut up and hold me." "Oh, my God." "You have so many places to hold." "Just pick one." "This movie happens to be very dull." "Maggie, Mike's gonna be just fine." "There's no story, no character... just a lot of gratuitous sex thrown in to boost ticket sales!" "We know." "Sit down." "How are theater owners going to know how we feel about this garbage..." " if we just sit through it?" " Or stand through it, in your case." "Oh, can it, will you?" "Maggie, let's just watch the movie, okay?" "People like you should stay home and watch The Love Boat." "Well, this is the guest room." "That about wraps up the tour of the house." "Let's go back downstairs, and we can watch TV or something." " Stay here." "It's, like, nice." " Here?" "What would we do in here?" "I mean, the TV downstairs is much more..." "Any idea what you're doing to me?" "Well, you know, I was just trying to make my top lip match up, roughly..." " with your..." " I mean, inside." "Inside?" "Well, you know, it's..." "I find it's always so hard to say what someone else feels inside... and my dad, who is a psychiatrist, he says that... no two people necessarily... have to feel the exact same inside." " And..." " I feel all steamy and tingly." "I don't specifically remember him mentioning "steamy and tingly."" "I have to ask him about them." "So, how about that social studies test last Friday?" "You know, Mike, I just got, like, a funny idea." "Funny?" "Funnier than this?" "No." "I mean, it just occurred to me." "This gonna be the first time you've, like, ever done it?" "Lisa, Lisa, Lisa, Lisa." "No, I'm sorry." "That's just so rich." "No, I'm not a virgin, Lisa." "No, not this cowboy." "That's a relief." "'Cause, like, believe it or not... there are guys out there our own age who've never done it." "Yeah." "Rejects and nerds." "Really?" "So..." "Where were we?" "I'm not sure." "Now I remember." " Did." " Did not." " Did, too." " Did not." " I know you did something to her." " Did not." "Ben, why don't you just admit you killed Wendy?" "And then I'll kill you, and we'll both feel a lot better..." " about the whole thing." " No." "You're a killer and you know it!" " Hey, wait." "Hold it." " Am not!" "Both of you, neutral corners." "Dad... the plant I was talking to is dead." "Well, that does not bode well for the rest of the family, does it?" "Dad!" "Ben killed Wendy." "I did not." "Stop saying that." "Now, Ben, your sister's not one to make these things up." "You look me squarely in the eye, and you tell me that she's mistaken... and then not another word will be said about it." "Okay?" "Ben?" " Did you kill Wendy?" " No." "Okay." "Not exactly." "I said a mean thing to her, and a leaf fell off, but I tried to save her." "I swear I tried to save her." "How exactly did you try to save her, Ben?" "How do you think?" "With the plant stuff." "Oh, my God." "Ben, did you put the whole bottle on my plant?" "See, I told you I tried to save her." ""Mix one capful of Mighty Plant..." ""with eight gallons of water."" "What does that mean?" "Five-to-ten in the greenhouse." "Kids, where's your brother?" "Oh, you mean Mr. Testosterone?" "I think he's in the kitchen." " Hey, Mike." " Mom." " Where's Lisa?" " How should I know?" "Well, did you two have a good time together?" "Sure." " What'd you do?" " We hung out." "Did you watch any TV?" "No." " What's that you're reading?" " Wind Surfer." "Good issue?" "It's not much different from the last 11 issues." "Are you feeling okay?" " Yeah, great." " Good." " So, Lisa seems like a very interesting girl." " Yeah." " What does that mean?" " What does what mean?" "I said, "She seems like an interesting girl"... and you said, "Yeah." What does that mean?" "I don't know." "I guess it means she's an interesting girl." "So... did you guys play any board games?" "Nothing happened, okay, Mom?" "She wanted to sleep with me, and I didn't do it." "I'm probably gay." "Are you happy now?" " Mike." " What?" "I'm pretty sure you're not gay." "Yeah, I guess that was a long shot, huh?" "You know, Michael... there's nothing wrong with choosing not to sleep with somebody." "I mean, you can even wait for someone you love." "People do it all the time." "Come on, Mom." "It's not like I did some big noble thing here." "I just wimped out." "Okay, so you wimped out." "But think about it for a minute." "What did you really wimp out of?" "Let me rephrase that." "Do you care about Lisa?" "I mean, do you care about what she feels or thinks... or if she's happy or sad?" "Do you really care what happens to her?" "Well, I wouldn't want to see her get hit by a truck." "And do you think she cares about you?" "Yeah, in the same kind of way." "So you wimped out of sharing something very special with someone who..." "Well, whose face you wouldn't want to see on the grille of an 18-wheeler?" "Yeah." "I guess I see what you mean." "But, Lisa..." "There was something about her, Mom." "She's got..." "Major-league yabos?" "Well, in a nutshell, yeah." "Lisa is a great-Iooking girl, Mike." "But there are other great-Iooking girls out there... who also happen to be warm, caring people." "Really?" "And you're gonna find one." "And when the right girl and the right time comes along..." "I think you'll be feeling anything but wimpy." "Yeah, maybe you're right." "You'll be a little scared at first... but trust me, you'll find a way to overcome it." "Your father did." "Dad?" "So I guess you're saying that he waited for the right girl." "Yeah, I guess you could say that." "I met her." "She was very nice." "Hey." " You okay?" " Yeah, I'm fine, Dad." "Really." "Okay, Mike." "Sleep tight, huh?" "English"