"[DOORBELL RINGS]" " Hey, Daphne." " Hello, Roz, Alice." " What brings you here?" " We're borrowing Frasier's car." "Oh, I see." "And you're leaving Alice here as collateral." "Actually, he's being very nice about it." "Mine's in the shop, and I'm taking Alice and her friends to an ice cream party." "You told me it was your friends and the Science Centre." "He said, she said, we'll never know what really happened." "Frasier, don't be so uptight." "I'm not gonna hurt your precious car." "I am not uptight." "I've just had unfortunate experiences before loaning out my car." "DAPHNE:" "I left an umbrella in the trunk." " It was a wet umbrella." "Can I have the keys?" "Yes, yes." "After all, what are fine possessions for if not to be used and enjoyed?" "And who better to enjoy them than the delightful souls of small children?" " I'll put a tarp in the back seat." " Oh, bless you." " Hey, Roz." "Hello, Alice." "ROZ:" "Hey." " What brings you here?" " Frasier loaned me his car." "I backed mine into a telephone pole." " You said you were getting a tune-up." " It needs one, trust me." " Is Daphne ready?" " Uh..." "Actually, I think she's in her room." "You two have plans?" "Yes, I am taking her to the botanical gardens." "Can you believe she's never been before?" "Didn't Donny take her to the botanical gardens last year?" "Can you believe she's never been before?" " Hey, Daphne." " Hello, Niles." "NILES:" "Ready to go to the gardens?" "I'm afraid I'm gonna have to take Eddie for a walk first." " Where's Dad?" " I don't know, he's gone." "Here, I'll take him for a quick walk." "DAPHNE:" "Oh, no, he's gonna need more than that." "He'll go stir crazy." "He's gonna need a full run at the dog park." "We don't have time to go to the dog park." "The tour of succulents starts promptly at 12." " Hey Frasier, can you take him?" " No, I'm sorry." "Roz has my car, you see, and Lana's coming to pick me up for a tutoring session with Kirby." "Oh, I'll just get Eddie's toys." "Hello, this is Dr. Frasier Crane." "I need to make an emergency appointment tomorrow for a complete cleaning of my BMW." "June 10th?" "But I have a Clean Team Privileges Card." "Yes, of course, it's a platinum one." "No." "No, there are no diamonds on the corner." "Well, yes, I'd like to become a member of the Diamond Alliance immediately." "Fine." "Put me on the waiting list." "I'll see you in June." " You're not in the Diamond Alliance?" " Don't do that." " So this is it." " Mm-hm." "I'd hardly call this a dog park." "It's more like a dog orgy." "Whose beagles are those?" "Don't stare." "It only encourages them." "All right, hurry up, Eddie." "There's lots of exciting depravity to explore." "He wants to play a little fetch." " Oh, here, you throw it." " With my bare hands?" " Come on, it's fun." " All right, ready?" "Here we go, and fetch." "I didn't give you enough of a challenge here." "Come here." "You ready?" "Ready?" "And..." "Go get it." "I'm sorry." "I was a bit of a grouch." "This is actually a fine way to spend the day." "In fact, it's kind of..." "Hello." "Do you suppose the rest of Eddie's in there?" "JIM:" "Good boy, good boy." "Sorry about that, Daphne, but with the organic vitamin paste I've been feeding Tank," "Eddie can't keep up with him anymore." "It's no problem, Jim." "Niles, this is Jim Brady and Tank." "This is Niles, my boyfriend." " It's a pleasure." " Boyfriend?" "I should have known." "Every time I'm single, you're in a relationship and every time you're single, I'm in a relationship." "Yeah, that's true." " I guess we just don't have good..." " Timing." "Exactly." " And I'm a drummer." " Which makes it even more ironic." "Tank, that's rude." "Now, chill." "Wow, you've really got him trained." "That's the problem with Eddie." "He only listens if he thinks he's gonna get food." "Or one of my socks." "But mostly food." "It's all in the voice tone, really." "Any dog can learn to respond to it, even an old wheezer like Eddie." " You want me to show you?" " I'd love it." "Come on." "Come on, buddy." "Yeah, we'd all love it." "[CELL PHONE RINGING]" "You guys go ahead." "Yes." " Hello?" " Hi, Niles, it's me." "I just want to make sure Daphne took Eddie for a walk." "I completely forgot about him this morning." "Yeah, yeah, we're in the dog park now." " Where are you, anyway?" " I'm at the track." "I had an itch for it when I woke up and so I just dropped everything and went." "I'm at the window." "I'll have a trifecta in the eighth." "Gotta run." "Well, I didn't realise I was gonna be selling houses with you today." "Why didn't you drop me off and then come on your own?" "Stop whining." "It'll only take a minute." "I hope we don't run into the sad sack who owns this place." "I've been trying to sell this house for a year, and he keeps driving away every potential buyer." " How does he do that?" " Oh, hi." "I heard a woman's voice." "I thought it might be my wife coming back to me." "No." "She lives in Portland now with her new husband Lamar, remember?" "Oh, excuse me, Frasier Crane, Phillip Donovan, the current owner." " Hello." " Hi." "LANA:" "I'll see you later, Phillip." " Anyway, my wife just left with the kids." "No talking, no explanations, just ripped my heart out, threw it to the dogs." "Which she also took." "Well, at least you're getting out at the top of the market." "Actually, this is a very good time, Phillip, and I think today is the day." " Oh, no." " Oh, God." "What's wrong?" "The damn basement must have flooded again." "Everything in this box is ruined." "Little Susie's cap she wore home from the hospital." "Ruined." "Danny's first soccer uniform." "Ruined." "Well, you know, I have an excellent dry cleaner." "LANA:" "No." "Once, actually, I spilled butter on a pair of white velvet pantaloons." "Well, it's a long story, but he had it out in under a minute." " Just give him the address." "FRASIER:" "Yes." "I have two sons and two daughters." "The perfect American family." "Until that bastard Lamar showed up to snake our drains." "Now all I have left are weekend visits and a few treasures from their childhood." "Like this house little Danny and I made at day camp." "Oh, thank goodness, it made it through unscathed." "Just a little water damage in the basement." " Just like this house." " Oh, well..." "Yes, well, Phillip, you are still their father." "I mean, I know things seem difficult right now, but believe me, it'll get easier." "Well, it's already easier." "I mean, look at me, I'm dressed." "You know what would cheer you up is to make a killing on this house." "Now don't you think you should get back to work?" "Yeah, I guess." "That air traffic isn't gonna control itself." "LANA:" "Okay, here we go out..." "No, not the front door." "Let's go out the side door." "Gosh, good to see you again, Phillip." "I'll call you real soon." "Thanks, bye." "Well, that man is obviously in pain." "The least you could be is a little sympathetic." "I have been sympathetic for 15 months." "I had him over for Thanksgiving." "He got drunk the first half-hour and cried himself to sleep in my coat closet." "And I consider that one of our good days." "Well, so where are these so-called buyers of yours?" " You told me they'd be here." " They're obviously running late." " It'll give us time to go over the plan." " What?" "There's a plan?" "Well, sure." "When the Smolenski's get here, you act like you want the house." "You know, a little competition." "Put a little pressure on the deal." "You're asking me to be your shill?" "That's the word." "Yes, yes." "Now listen, listen." "No, you don't have to say anything." " Well, I'm sorry, no." " Well, why the...?" "Look, all you have to do is walk around with an interested look on your face." " They'll fill in the rest." " I will do no such thing." " Why won't you help me?" " Because I refuse to lie for you." " Fine, then go wait in the car." " I never wanted to leave the car." "Oh, just get out!" "All right, I got some Creamsicles, and Fudgesicles, and something they call Bomb Pops." "Well, I called the Smolenskis." "I bought us a little extra time." "Right, good, good, fine." "Spread out some paper and then build us a house." "So, Frasier, with all your talk about honesty, how do you justify faking this thing?" "Well, we're simply protecting the feelings of an innocent man." "There's nothing dishonest about that." "Uh-huh." "So, are you gonna write, "I love you, Daddy" or am I?" "I'll do it." "Sit." "Wave, wave." "All right, hide your eyes." "Hide your eyes." "Hide them, hide them." "Hide your eyes." " Hide your eyes." " Hello." "JIM:" "Come on, hide your eyes." "Hide your eyes." "Hey, Eddie, don't worry about that other dog." "He may be bigger and flashier and better looking, but you have substance." "She knows that." "DAPHNE:" "How amazing is Jim?" "He's so connected to animals, it's almost magical." "Daphne, I've been musing about you and me." " And I have a thought." "DAPHNE:" "Yeah?" "In every healthy relationship," "I think there should be room for an occasional, very occasional, irrational demand." "What do you mean?" "A thing we insist the other do or not do, and the other one has to do it or not do it without question." " Is that fair?" " It is." "Because we each get one and only one for our whole relationship." " Well, if it's important to you." " Then it's agreed?" " Agreed." " Good." "Oh, I've got mine." " Already?" " Yes." "I want you to promise never to come to this dog park again." " What?" " I know it sounds extreme, it's even unreasonable, but that's the beauty of the irrational demand." "Is this about Jim?" "The demand cannot be scrutinised." "It's by definition, irrational." "Are you sure this is how you want to use your only one?" "Absolutely." "I've thought this through a lot." "Irrationally, of course." "Okay, if you're sure." "I promise never to come to this dog park again." "Thank you." "I knew you'd understand." "All right, we're going home." "Tank needs to rehydrate, and I'm late for a deltoid workout." "Well, I guess this is goodbye, Jim." "Yep, by this time next week I'll be leading my first raft tour in Chile." " Really?" " Yeah." " Wow, when do you get back?" " Oh, he's not coming back." "He's moving there." " Good luck, Jim." " Yes, you too." " Take care." " And stay cool, buddy." "Oh, you know it." "I wonder how I'll use my irrational demand." "Oh, what's my rush?" "I've got years to think it over." " Hi, Martin." " Oh, hello, Joanne." " How have you been?" " Pretty good." " Oh, please, have a seat." " Thanks." "I was worried I was going to be late with all that construction going on." "Yeah, I know." "It's a mess." "How's your hip?" "Oh, you learn to live with it." "I think about you a lot, you know." "I've wanted to call, but..." "I don't know." "Oh, I understand." "It's okay." " So, another year has gone by." " Yeah, time really flies." "I guess it goes a little slower for me." " How's our roof coming?" " Almost done." "Good." "You know, there was a time back in high school when I would have paid a thousand dollars to watch you eat a Popsicle." "It was a long time ago." "I think it's kind of funny that we became friends." "We're friends?" "Well, sure we are." "Why wouldn't you think so?" " Oh, dear." " Nice going, dipstick." "It's a brand new shirt." "I hear a car." "It's the Smolenskis." " Okay, keep working." " Right." "I've got to go to Phillip's room, spray some air freshener around." "His room reeks of, I don't know, despair." "It's even nicer than I remember." "Well, hello there." "Are you having fun making your little house?" "Oh, hi." "Oh, there you are." "Hi." "Oh, I see you've met Frasier." "You know, I'm so glad you came today, because the interest on this place is really heating up." "Well, we're certainly interested as well, but we heard that a lot of homes in this area have a flooding problem." "Now what do you know about the basement here?" "LANA:" "Honestly?" "SMOLENSKl:" "Yes." "This house is 60 years old, and I have only heard of it flooding once." "[COUGHS]" "And I can tell you for a fact that the current owner stores some of his most cherished keepsakes in that basement." "[FRASIER COUGHING]" "Are you choking on your lolly?" "No." "I am choking on something far more dangerous and destructive than a simple sugary treat." "It's a prolific and powerful poison known as deception." "He's very verbal." "Oh, you know, I just remembered." "Gosh, you know, the owner did mention something about a recent little moisture problem downstairs." "Why don't I give him a call and see if he'll come down in the price?" "Oh, that'd be wonderful." "If you give us a break in the price, I'm sure we'll make an offer." " Great, I'll call you tonight." "MRS. SMOLENSKl:" "Thank you, Lana." " Sure." " Goodbye, sonny." "LANA:" "Call you tonight." "Bye-bye." "There, now, you see?" "You did the right thing." " It wasn't so bad, was it?" " I guess not." "Oh, look at our little house." "It looks great." "Say, we've got a few Popsicle sticks left." "Why don't we add on a half a bath?" "Frasier." "You know, Lana, I think the house should go the other way around, with the door facing the couch." "Feng shui." "Fine, fine, fine." " Oh, perfect." " Perfect." "FRASIER:" "Doesn't that feel good to tell the truth?" "It's like breathing a breath of fresh air after..." " Yeah, yeah, let's get out of here." " All right." "[ELEVATOR BELL RINGS]" "Okay, Alice." "Before we see Uncle Frasier, let's remember together what really happened." "Now, did you throw up in Uncle Frasier's car?" "No, you didn't." "That smell was there before, wasn't it?" "That's my girl." "There you go." "Besides the library assignment," "I've been taking the computer class on Wednesdays." "I hope to get a job with computers." "You know, when I get out." "Can you tell us what consideration, if any, you've given this crime?" "Well, I regret it every day." "I was young at the time, and I wasn't thinking, you know, about the consequences." "I'm very sorry." "The victim is here." "Mr. Crane, would you like to make a statement?" "I have nothing to say." "WOMAN:" "Would you give us a moment?" "[WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY]" "Mr. Hicks, the board commends you for your participation in the in-house programmes to better yourself and for your record of excellent conduct." "We have weighed this against your conviction of shooting a police officer during the commission of a robbery, and find that the length of your time served has not yet met the standards for proportionality, equality and justice as required by state law." "Parole is denied." "[DOOR BUZZES]"