"~~ [ Man Singing ]" "~~ [ Continues ]" "~~ [ Ends ]" "[Jack Narrating ] Here's the funny thing about restaurants." "The way you eat in the dining room... it isn't exactly the way we eat in the kitchen." " [ Frantic Chattering ]" " Pretty gruesome, right?" "These impoverished piranhas are commonly known as waiters... and it is their privilege to eat my food for free... so they can better sell it to you." "And the garlic in the duck confit does things that garlic has never done before." "Mmm, it sounds delicious." "Oh, and the spinach- is that very creamy?" "I have no idea." "I wasn't fast enough." "[Jack Narrating ] Now this is a typical staff meal... which some might call "gruel"and unusual punishment." "But it is made with love- chunky, chunky bits oflove." "So look." "You're gonna have to help me with the staff meal... because I think they found out which part of the cow we're serving." " Good morning, Chef." " If they don't like it, they can buy a jar of peanut butter." "So, uh, Chef, last night I practiced my Tournedos d'Anjou." " That's your solution?" " Well, they could bring jelly from home." "Which is primarily composed of, as I'm sure you know, lamb" " It's all there." " port d'Anjou, uh, one onion, finely chopped" "No, no, no." "Sliced." "Thinly sliced." "Ah, stupid, stupid!" "[ Shouts ]" "[Jack Narrating ] And we all crave love, don't we?" "Yeah, sliced." "Love and approval." "That's the greatest hunger of all." "Did Jack talk to you today?" "He talked near me." "There you go!" "[ Giggles ]" "Come on." "What'd I tell you?" "Baby steps." "[ Chattering ]" "Jim, you're in my way." " All right." "Would you hand me that saucepan?" "[ Screams ] Jiminy!" "[ Groans ] Do you have any burn cream?" " [ Laughs ]" " Burn cream?" "Yeah." "Or, uh, any ointment?" "Ointment?" "Steven." "One Mississippi." "Two Mississippi." " Let me explain something to you about pain in the kitchen." " Three Mississippi." " Four Mississippi." "Five Mississippi." " It doesn't exist." " Six Mississippi." " Which is why we don't have any burn cream." " Eight Mississippi." "Nine Mississippi." " Or ointment or salves." " Or even balms." " Ten Mississippi.!" "We have a new world's record." " Yeah." "Yeah!" " Oh!" " [ Applause ]" " Your skin" " I can smell it!" "Table eight sent back the special." "Says it's undercooked." "Not to worry, Chef." "I will just throw it back on the pan for you." " What are you doing thinking?" " You know what they say." "The customer's always right." "You know what?" "No." "This dish helped us get a 28 out of 30 in the Zagat guide." "Do you wanna know why?" "'Cause I know what I'm doing." "She gets it the way I made it." "And as of now, there are no more send-backs in Nolita!" "Yeah, you're my hero." "Bold." "I like it." "Also waitresses." "Topless Tuesdays?" "Hmm?" "No, no, no." "I think it's great you wouldn't cook it for another two seconds." "Sure, all I got was a three-percent tip on a party of eight." "But you stuck to your guns, whereas I must continue to live with my mother." "You're thinking small, Cameron." "No send-backs are great for business." "People respond to confidence." "Hold this." "Okay." "I couldn't help but notice there's a beautiful woman looking at me... and I was just wondering if you knew her name." "She's directly behind you." "Has that ever worked?" " Once." "But she didn't speak English." " [ Laughs ]" " I'm Jack." "Jack Bourdain." "You're not gonna give me a subpoena, are you?" " I've eaten at your restaurant before,Jack." " Oh!" "Hey, that New York Times review was right." "Your food is incredible." "Oh, stop it." "Now you're just being accurate." "God!" "Sometimes I think a chef should just be able to walk through his dining room... and tell certain people they don't deserve the food they're about to eat... no matter how much they're willing to pay." "Okay, you may be the single most brilliant woman that I've ever met." "Well, I'll tell you something I don't know anything about." " What's that?" " Knives." "I just wish there was someone who would help me, you know, pare down." "[ Chuckles ]" "Okay, you see, this is an example of..." "less is more." "Okay?" "All you really need is one good, strong" "Jack?" "Okay, what's this?" "I came here to talk about knives." "[ Chuckles ]" "So, I heard there was a bit of a hookup at the Snake Pit last night." "Okay." "Whoa." "I don't like to kiss and tell." "It's not me." "So, word's getting out, huh?" "Oh, it's out." "It's way out." "[ Laughs ]" "Like, wha-what do you mean "way out"?" "Like how far?" "You don't know who Alison is, do you?" "I think I know her a little better than you do." " So you know about her Web site, ChefHunter.net." " ChefHunter.net?" "Yeah." "Where she rates New York chefs." " Chefs?" "She rates chefs?" " In the sack." "In the s-sack?" " Service?" "Presentation?" " Yeah." "It's on a scale of 30." "You know, it's like her own version of the Zagat guide." "Okay, well, that's just wrong, because I didn't consent to that." "I wasn't a willing participant in that." "I didn't do-What'd I get?" " [ Crunches ]" " Twenty-two." "Twenty-two?" "Who the- Twenty-two!" "How was she even taking notes?" "I happen to know her hands weren't available for notes." "God, this is like it's in real time." "Okay, you know what?" "Twenty-two's pretty good." "Yeah." "Absolutely." "Scroll down." "Okay.Jean Georges got a 28!" "Now that's extraordinary." "Keep reading." "Keep reading." "There's a Noah from Noah's Bagels?" " Uh-huh." " What'd he get?" "[ Laughs ] Twenty-seven." "Yeah." "You know how there's an everything bagel?" " All right." " Huh." "Oh, oh." "Did you read the summary?" "Yes, I did." "How do I turn this off?" "Wait, wait, wait. "Jack Bourdain offers a serviceable rendition... of an experience we've all had many, many times."" "[ Laughs ] Oh,Jack, I think that would make you a send-back." "Hmm." "Who even uses the Internet?" "[Jack Narrating ] Here's the thing about reviews." "You can't believe the good ones." "Because if you believe the good ones... then you gotta believe the bad ones too." "The only problem is we all believe the good ones." "Okay, I want whoever did this to come forward." "No, not because it's about me." "Because it's unprofessional." "And it was covering the credit card sign." "Yeah, people with credit cards would just walk right by- [ Laughing ]" "Okay, who's laughing?" "Because laughing's also unprofessional." " [ Stifled Laughing ]" " Oh, you guys think about that." "Amateurs!" "You can't believe reviews,Jack." "I mean, I do." "But then again, I've never been given anything less than " spectacular."" " [ All Laughing ]" " No, no." "I know." "I know." "I get it." "I get it." "It's funny." "It's funny." "That's why I'm laughing with you." "I know." "I slept with a crazy woman." "I won't be doing that again, even if she begged me." " Why would she beg you?" "The bagel guy beat you by five." " [ All Laughing ]" "[ Blows, Laughs ] Guilty." "I came in early and organized everybody's mise-en-place... and sharpened everybody's knives." "There's no need to thank me." " You sleazed my mise?" " [ Clattering ]" "You never touch a person's mise." "Never." "Why are you leaving?" "[ Nervous Chuckle ]" "You know, I know change can be scary." " Get him!" " Get him!" " [ Shouting Continues ]" " Not cool." " [ Grunts ] - [ Steven ] Nice." " [ Laughing ]" " Nobody panic.Just a little pepper in the eye." "Who would you rather do?" "Gwyneth Paltrow or Kate Hudson?" "Well, Kate." "You can't moan "Gwyneth Paltrow."" " You moan the last name?" " Dude, I'm usually alone." "Uh, Queen Elizabeth or Barbara Bush?" "Queen Elizabeth." "Woman who wears a crown, up for anything." "Oh, so we're playing that game, are we?" "Let's make it interesting." "If you had to do one guy in the kitchen, who would you do?" " [ All Protesting ]" " No, no!" "All right." "Desert island." "Gun to your head." "Hypothetically,just purely hypothetically, I'd have to sayJack." " For political reasons." " A kiss-ass." " One point forJack." " Don't expect a call the next day." "[ Chuckles ] No, I am not playing." "Oh, what's the matter, pastry boy?" "So insecure about your manhood, you can't play a little game?" "Fine." "Steven." "He's been to boarding school, and I think he'd be sensitive." "Hmm.Jack. Rodrigo?" " Steven." "Jack." " Enzo." " Enzo." "Okay, who hasn't voted yet?" "No, no, no." "This-This can't be right." "I-I didn't get a single vote." " [ Chuckles ]" " And you're hurt." "Of course not!" "It's hypothetical, okay?" "But if anybody wants to change his vote, now is the time." "Okay, fine." "Who cares?" "Oh, come on!" "He smells like fish!" "I smell like sugar." "[Jack ] She's gloating." " Here's what I think." " What?" "You're exhausted." "You had a long night, and you're in a strange bed." "[ Puffs ] How can you be expected to bring your " A" game?" "~~ [ Man Singing ]" " Everyone in this bar saw her Web site, didn't they?" "[ Exhales ] Only the people staring at you." "[ Chattering, Laughing ]" "Oh, I could use a drink." " Hey, you know what's sexy?" " What?" "A man who can just move on." "Sexy." "[Jack Narrating ] The problem with reviews, especially bad ones... is that they take on a life of their own-your life." "Sure, people respond to confidence." "The trouble is they can also smell desperation." " [ Phone Rings ]" " I've gotta take this call." "Yeah." "I have an audition first thing in the morning." "My ride is leaving." "[Jack Narrating ] Good.!" "Because guess what." "I didn't want to sleep with you anyway." "All I'm trying to say is this." "I come from money." "You're gonna need it." "[ Seth ] What does that mean?" "What is this?" "Jim made the staff meal." "And he saved you a plate." "Oh, you know, I'm just stepping up, helping out. [ Laughing ]" " Mmm." "Is that saffron?" " Yes!" "Yes, I knew you would appreciate it." "You have the best mouth in the business." " That's not what I meant." " You know, saffron costs $40 an ounce." "And what's this pink thing that looks like my 25-dollar-a-pound copper-headed salmon?" " It's copper-headed salmon,Jack." " And it was delicious." "I don't know." "Maybe a smidge too much saffron for my taste." "Take that back." "It was perfect." "It was the perfect amount of saffron." " [ Laughing ]" " Listen, um, I'm sorry." "I-I was just trying to show a little initiative." " Oh." "I don't need you to show a little initiative." " Okay." "Here's what I need." "I need to be able to ignore you." "'Cause when I can ignore you- like really, truly ignore you" " Yeah." " then you're gonna know that you're not totally expendable." "Jack?" " What now?" "Table four sent this back." "Apparently, it's a little undercooked." "[ Chuckles ] What'd I tell you?" "What's our policy on send-backs?" "[ All ] No send-backs!" "Well, considering your recent humiliation, I'd think you'd be a little less arrogant." "Oh, not a chance." "Get out of my way." "Get out of my way." "Oh, look." "I think it's him." "The one we read about." "Oh, so you read about me, huh?" "Let me tell you something, okay?" "Don't believe everything you read." "A review's just a review." "Okay?" "It's one person's opinion." "And the woman who wrote it happens to be lousy in bed." "Okay?" "And insane." " [ Woman ] What?" " But the New York Times review is the reason we came." "Let me get Chef Bourdain." "[ Chuckles ]" "He's just in the bathroom." "Tricky lock." "[ Siren Wailing ]" "No booze, no drugs." "Thank God you can't get addicted to those." " You okay?" " Never better." "There are two things I used to do with such confidence." "Huh, they both end in " K."" "Two things I used to do with such confidence, and they both ended in...jail." "I was so sorry to hear about your grandmother." "What a terrible loss." "Oh, I almost forgot." "I made something for your grandfather." " Thank you." " Nothing much." "Just a tarte tatin." "Yeah, you might want to just have him heat it up 1 5 minutes before... and then serve it with a hazelnut ice cream." "Or you can just shove it in your mouth right now with your finger." "It really doesn't matter." " So, gun to my head?" " Gun to your head." " Um, Steven." " What?" "Well, he looks like he could change a tire." "[ Men Chattering ]" "Mmm." "That's delicious,Jack." " Thank you." " Really." " You're a great cook." " Thank you." "And you're funny." "[ Laughs ]" "And sex is overrated." "Because as people age, they pleasure each other with laughter." "[ Whispering ] I'm gonna need you to leave the kitchen." " Okay." " Okay." "Okay, at the outset let me just say I'm sorry." "Uh, things weren't as hot or as fresh as they should've been, okay?" "And we would really like another chance to serve you." "Okay, well, I'm sorry." "But you don't get seconds." "It's against the rules." " Yeah, but they're your rules." " Well, the rules are part of a system." " Yeah, but it's a system that you invented." " The system's bigger than us." " Okay, you're enjoying this, aren't you?" " A little." "Yeah, they do both end in " K," don't they?" "And they're sort of the only addictions that I'm still allowed." "And I'm probably also a little obsessive-compulsive." " You actually already told me that." " See what I mean?" "[Jack Narrating ] Okay, enough with this pity party." "Play to your strength." "You know what?" "Let me cook for you." " Oh,Jack, I-I don't know." " No, come on." "Come on." "You gotta let me leave this apartment just once knowing I've satisfied you." "So he says, " Mommy and Daddy won't be living together anymore... but I'll still see you on the weekends."" "[ Chuckles ] And?" "Apparently there hasn't been a weekend in 1 7 years." "[Jack Narrating ] Yeah, whatever." "Let's get this back on track." " Here." "See if this helps." " Mm-hmm." "Oh, my God." "Mmm." "[ Laughs ] So I punched him." "And then I find out he's a cop." "Oh, okay." "But when he's using my cocaine, he's Paul,you know?" "Here." "[Jack Narrating ] I know." "I'm a genius, right?" "Yeah, so she says, "Well,you've got pretty hair. "" "Yeah, thanks, Mom." " Screw her!" " [ Laughs ]" "Come on." "She's probably just jealous." "I mean, look at you." "[Jack Narrating ] And Jack is back." "~~ [ Rock ]" "~~ [ Man Singing ]" "~~ [ Ends ]" "That was the best sex I ever had." "Yeah?" "So that's gotten me what, like a 30?" "[ Laughs ] Oh, gosh." "I can't assign a number to a night like that." "And that would demean the whole experience and you." "Oh, God." "Demean me." "Really." "I'm fine with it." "Jack, no." "What made it so incredible was how intimate it felt, and I don't want to ruin that." "I don't want to ruin it." "I want to celebrate it." "It's a perfect moment." "It was perfect." "It was like... 30 out of 30?" "'Cause I'm taking your silence to mean 30." "Jack, I'm not gonna write about it." " No, of course not." " Okay." "I wouldn't want you to." "Who would?" "An animal." "That's who." " Mmm, I'm gonna jump in the shower." " Okay." "Mmm." "You go do that." "I'm just gonna lay back and take in the day." "Hey, sharing feels so good, doesn't it?" "Yeah, it's great." "What's your password?" "[Jack Narrating ] The truth is we all hunger for approval." "So when in doubt, try a little tenderness." " Oh!" " I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." "I didn't know you were in yet." "I try to do all my chores before you get in, so that I don't bug you" "Hey,Jim, you know what?" "I haven't noticed you in a couple days." "Good job." "Really?" "You- You were able to ignore me?" "Totally invisible." "Oh, wow." "I've been ignored byJack Bourdain." "Sweet!" "You know?" "[ Grunts ]" "A couple of dishwashers were telling me they thought you were ignoring me... but I didn't want to let myself believe it." "No, I was." "Here." "My mentor at the Institute gave that to me." "Now it's yours." "Thank you." "Not the paring knife story." "Mentor's knife?" " He gave it to me six years ago." " And to me four years ago." "Well, it's a good thing his mentor had a lot of paring knives then, huh?" "Hey, you know, I heard about your little game." "And, um, I just wanted to let you know... that if I had to choose, I would pick you." "[ Men Chattering ]" "You hear that, you losers?" "Cameron, a real homosexual... wants to have sex with me." "That's right." "A man who has sex with other men chose me." "I win!" "I'm the winner!" "[ Laughing ]" "Hi, Tanya." "Hi." "Um, congratulations." "I come from money." "[ Siren Wailing ]" "Hey, man, here you go." "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!" "Hey, hey, hey." "This is 40-dollar spigola here." "Oh, I get it." "Feed the homeless drunk a piece of overcooked fish... with the potatoes and the leeks all running together." "I live on a subway grate, so presentation becomes unimportant?" " So" " I used to be a gym teacher." "[ Woman ] Good night, Dave.!"