"(WHISPERING) Sweetheart." "Mmm?" "Go over to the window right now and open it as wide as you can." "Please let me sleep." "(MUNCHING)" "I think your mother's here from Mexico, and she needs to leave." "Open the window now." "(GROANS) Why don't you open it, you lazy... (GASPS)" "(SCREAMING)" "(ROARING)" "Somebody help!" "Close your mouth!" "No way." "Can I ride him?" "(SCREAMING)" "(SCREAMING)" "A deer!" "(MUTTERING FRANTICALLY)" "(EXHALES) Okay." "Daddy, I left the front door open in case any animals wanted to come in." "You did, huh?" "And one did." "Yeah." "Yeah, one crazy-ass one." "Oh, no, you did a nice thing, sweetheart." "Greg, I'm gonna need a bat!" "Daddy, no!" "No, no, I'm not going to hit the deer." "I'm just going to massage his head for a little bit with it." "Okay, come on, come on." "(WHIMPERS)" "He's right here." "He's eating Bowser's food." "Shh." "Okay, he knows we're here now." "Stay." "Stay." "What's he looking at?" "Move your doll towards me." "And back to you." "Towards me." "Back to you." "Three times, fast." "Give me that thing." "Mr. Gigglesworth?" "No, don't worry." "Give it to me." "Go on." "It's okay." "It's okay." "Put it in my hand." "Roxanne, take them in there." "Over there." "Hey, dude." "You like this guy?" "Huh?" "You want to play with him?" "All right, let's go play in the other room." "Come on." "Come on, man." "Slowly walk with me." "I said slowly." "No." "Ah!" "Ah!" "Get out of the way!" "Oh, my God!" "Problem solved." "Mr. Gigglesworth!" "Daddy, he's killing him!" "A new problem begins." "I'm sorry." "Is that your bra, Mrs. Feder?" "(SIGHS)" "Easy." "Ew." "It is nice." "Thank you, all right." "Cool, yeah." "Yeah, come on." "28?" "Yes." "35." "That's right again, smarty-pants." "Hi, Dad." "Hey, Bean, working on the math, huh?" "Yep." "Mommy said if I get all my math questions right," "I get to ride my bike to school with Becky Feder." "Really?" "Okay, Bean, well, what's seven plus nine?" "Seventy-nine." "Is he a little boy or a computer?" "'Cause (HOARSELY) I can't figure it out." "Don't destroy his confidence." "Happy summer, everybody." "ERIC:" "Whoa." "Okay, you sure you want to go with those boots, honey?" "I know you bedazzled them yourself." "I'm just wondering if they'll attract too much attention, you know, from outer space." "It's the last day of school, and Mom says I'm free to express myself." "Oh, building the confidence right here with R2-D2." "Confidence." "K-O-B-R-Q-V-Y." "Confidence." "Well, we're not gonna have to pay for college." "That's for sure." "(CHUCKLING)" "Well, looks like a horse took a dump in Ronnie's diaper." "You're gonna need federal aid to clean that up." "Ronnie, honey, did a doo-doo grenade go off in your diaper?" "You gonna change it?" "That's not my son, that's your son." "Ah ha ha!" "Yesterday was my diaper day." "Today he is all yours, and it's gonna get nasty." "Whoo!" "(CHUCKLES) Go, Ronnie." "Go, Ronnie, go, Ronnie." "ANDRE:" "Go, Ronnie, go, Ronnie." "He looks like Nicki Minaj trying to shake her butt implants back into place." "BOTH:" "Go, Ronnie, go, Ronnie." "Come on, Ronnie." "Go, Ronnie." "You got a lot of appointments today, sweetie?" "Nah, just one repair job." "Very special." "All right, I'm going in." "What is..." "What is this?" "A necklace?" "Happy 20th anniversary, babe." "Wow, Dad, you remembered." "Oh, yeah." "Mom didn't." "Oh!" "That's cold." "MARCUS:" "I think I'm gonna bust out of here." "WOMAN:" "So he gets off the train and nobody's there?" "Braden needs to spend at least one summer with you so he can say he has a dad, you deadbeat, Higgins." "Well, not to be mean, but I'm not even 1,000% sure who you are." "WOMAN:" "I was up from Florida." "Right in the middle of making out," "I got a really bad case of the hiccups." "Hiccups McGee?" "Oh, my God, I have a kid I don't know about with Hiccups McGee?" "And no offense, but I'm gonna have to ask for a DNA test, you know, because you just never..." "No need." "Later, Hiccups." "You're him." "Yeah, without the hat." "(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)" "It's actually a good likeness." "How you doing, man?" "I'm your dad." "Nice to see you, Braden." "That's strike one." "Good news is, you get..." "Unlimited amount of strikes." "Um..." "How about I take you to school?" "No school." "Summertime." "Oh." "Not yet." "One more day." "I know, it's a drag." "Normally I'd let you just blow it off and play hooky, but I'm volunteering at the soup kitchen today, so when I'm done," "I'll come pick you up and we'll hang out." "I got you this, but..." "Obviously you're, like, 13, so I don't know, but it's actually pretty nice and cute, and you should cut the head off it, okay." "Well, let's get going." "Yo, yo, yo, yo, don't forget this." "Is it a gift?" "No, it's the Gigglesworth massacre." "I told Becky you could sew it back together for her." "What?" "Martha Stewart couldn't fix this." "Come on." "Oh, but you're such a good daddy for picking up all the pieces." "That's why I've been thinking, we moved back here to your hometown so we could have more quality time with our family, right?" "That's right." "How would you feel about expanding?" "Having another kid?" "Mmm-hmm." "Yeah." "Oh, but it's perfect right now, you know?" "If I buy one large pizza, Greg gets two pieces," "Keith gets two, Becky gets one, you get one, I get four." "It's kind of perfect, you know." "I don't want to have to buy another pie." "Why don't you go on a diet, fat gordo éste?" "Come on, I've had a job since I'm 16." "It's the first time I've got a free schedule." "I'm just enjoying the fun." "Don't forget Becky's ballet recital at 11:00." "I got to go to that?" "I mean, I get to go to that?" "Great." "I'm saying, that's..." "I thought it was sold out." "That's great news." "Have the best last day of school, my gorgeous children!" "I love you all!" "Bye, Mom." "Bye, Mom, bye." "KEITHIE:" "Yeah, last day of school, Greg." "Last chance to ask out Nancy Arbuckle." "Nancy Arbuckle..." "What's that?" "You like a girl?" "Is that why you've been taking them long showers?" "No, I'm conditioning my hair." "That's all I do in the shower..." "Condition my hair." "That's not what the deer told me." "That deer's a liar." "(LAUGHING)" "I heard too much conditioning can make you go blind." "What?" "Where'd you hear that?" "Higgins." "I should kill him." "He's too chicken to ask her out, Dad, 'cause she's the hottest girl in school, and Greg is fugly." "So what he's fugly?" "All the guys in our family are fugly." "That don't stop us from getting the hot chicks." "Look at me and look at your mother." "I mean, it makes no sense." "Only in, like, a Hollywood movie or something." "Every guy in school likes her, Dad." "And you'll be the guy who ends up with her." "You know why?" "You're gonna follow my three-step program." "Number one, make the girl smile." "Number two, tell her she has a nice smile." "Number three, say she has to go out with you that night." "Why that night?" "'Cause it gives her less time to think about how fugly you are." "'Cause you are fugly." "That's the stupidest thing I ever heard." "And Keithie's right..." "I'm too chicken to even talk to her." "Hey, you're a Feder." "Feders ain't afraid of women, buddy." "That's not the way I'm raising you." "Oh, by the way, Dad, did you ask Mom if I can play football?" "No, I was scared." "I'm afraid she's gonna yell at me in that accent that no one understands." "Come on, Becky, it's 8:00." "School starts at 8: 15." "That means we only have 25 minutes." "Daddy, you promise Mr. Gigglesworth will be better by bedtime?" "Will you stop worrying about him?" "He'll be fine." "I love you." "Have the best last day, okay?" "Okay." "Bye, guys." "Bye, Daddy." "Love you." "And you read the street signs, okay?" "Don't let Bean." "My God, riding their bikes to school." "Couldn't do that in L.A. with the nuts out there." "Yeah, 'cause thank God there's no crazy people out here." "(TIRES SCREECHING)" "How you doing, Nick?" "My wife's leaving me after three weeks." "Three weeks?" "That's not bad for you." "What happened?" "She found me eating a banana with my butt." "Ah." "And she didn't like that?" "Yeah, she got really bummed out, but, you know, I shouldn't have done it at her mom's house." "Yeah, you..." "You seem like you're a little extra out of it today." "What's going on?" "Yeah, I'm a little medicated." "I met a very reliable doctor at a Cypress Hill concert, and he floated me a couple pills just to feel better, you know." "(IN HIGH VOICE) But I don't feel better!" "(IN LOW VOICE) You feel worse!" "Ladies and gentlemen, meet your new bus driver." "Finally got yourself a job." "Actually I'm filling in for Drool-io Iglesias back there." "(SNORING)" "(SQUEALS)" "Hey, Deanne, happy anniversary." "Oh!" "Thank you, Lenny." "Lenny remembered." "Isn't that sweet?" "And I never got him pregnant." "She forgot?" "Yeah, she forgot." "No." "I got the biggest get-out-of-jail-free card in the world." "I want one of those." "Oh, you ain't never get one like this." "Hey, honey," "I'm gonna take a ride to work with Lenny." "Don't worry about forgetting the 20th." "I'm sure you'll remember the 30th." "I love you." "Yeah, sure you do..." "Deep down." "That's not another necklace in there, is it?" "(SINGING)" "I'm gonna abuse this get-out-of-jail-free card," "I'm telling you right now." "I mean, maybe I'll walk on the good rug without taking off my boots." "Oh!" "Or have a nice non-diet soda with my dinner." "Not just one, either, a whole damn pitcher." "Oh, so you're going full gangsta." "Oh, yeah." "But you know what I'd really like to do?" "Throw a "first night of summer" party." "Yeah." "You know, something a little crazy." "Well, it's been many, many years since we've done something crazy." "Just one problem, though." "My house isn't big enough." "But yours is." "(GROANS)" "Last party I had was senior year in high school." "Yeah, that was, like, the best night of my life." "We all hooked up with chicks." "Come on, why not do that again?" "Because we already have chicks and kids and high cholesterol now, so just..." "It's time to move on." "You want to come over tonight with Dee, that's fine..." "I think." "I got to ask my wife first." "Okay, gangsta." "(LAUGHS)" "Hey, hey, where'd you get those shoes, Losers "R" Us?" "I made them." "You made them?" "In a toilet?" "(LAUGHS)" "That kid's like white Precious." "(LAUGHS)" "Get lost, Duffy." "Yeah, leave her alone." "Hey, what'd you say, Hollywood?" "You got something to say to me?" "Nothing, nothing, nothing." "Attention, Kmart shoppers, let's find a seat, please." "Yes, you in the camouflage jacket and Mariah Carey hairdo." "Yeah, just pop a squat, thank you." "You're lucky your dad's here, but he won't be here all day." "Leave me alone." "Beanbag with arms and legs, seriously, take a seat, or seats, before someone gets hurt." "(KIDS LAUGHING)" "You're dead, man." "(ALL CHUCKLING)" "ROXANNE:" "I'm gonna go get some things done, and then I'm gonna go to my daughter's ballet recital, so you're on your own until lunchtime." "Oh, no worries." "No one will come in anyway." "Right." "Does Leonard ever talk about me?" "Leonard?" "Your husband." "Oh, Lenny." "I probably should have told you this before I started working here, but he used to be my boyfriend." "Oh." "When did you guys go out?" "Sixth grade." "This one time, we split a piece of bubble gum at recess. (CHUCKLES)" "I brought in a note that he sent me, and I thought you should see it." "I just felt weird having a secret with you." ""Do you like my hair better in a barrette or a headband?"" "That's what I wrote." ""Barrette. "" "And that was his response." "Does it bother you that I still wear it?" "Oh, no, no, no, I think it's sweet." "I think he still has feelings for me." "I'm gonna go work out now." "Do you really think that a tight, toned body will keep him away from his Hubba Bubba baby?" "I hope so." "Bye." "You just messed with the wrong girl, chica!" "They spray-painted my baby." "Gee, and everything's spelled right." "These can't be my students." "(BOTH CHUCKLE)" "Oh!" "Have a nice day, Rapunzel." "Hey, guys, can you believe this?" "Calendar turns to June, my wonderful students, they become animals." "Maybe they're just mad that you keep going to the babyGap to buy your clothes." "BOY:" "Hey, Principal Tardio, good morning." "Right to class, right to class." "How was your last ride in before the summer, Nick?" "Remember, today is only a half a day." "And a half a shirt, right?" "What?" "I said he wants to wave good-bye to you." "Oh, okay." "Here he goes." "I'm excited about the summer, too." "Hey, that's my laptop!" "That's not waterproof!" "Monkey boy, monkey boy." "Summer!" "Monkey boy." "Summer!" "Summer!" "Summer!" "So, what do you think?" "Do I take you straight to work?" "I got one appointment I got to get to sometime between 8:00 a. m." "and 4:00 p. m." "Okay." "But she can wait." "Good." "And look at this." "He's back at it again." "Why isn't he at work?" "He's just..." "This woman has a grip on him." "It's ridiculous." "It's gonna ruin his marriage." "Thank you for breakfast, Mommy." "Will you be coming by to watch Days of Our Lives later?" "Well, we got to find out which twin murdered Renaldo, right?" "We sure do." "Mmm-hmm." "(BOTH LAUGH)" "Okay." "LENNY:" "Hey, Mrs. Lamonsoff, good to see you." "Nice school bus, Lenny." "Thank you." "Have a great day." "Did Mommy make the boo-boo go away?" "Don't tell the wife." "What are you guys doing?" "Get in." "Oh, hey, Nick." "Nice." "Nice." "Let's hit it." "Watch this." "BOTH:" "Oh!" "(ALL LAUGH)" "Wow." "You got to respect that." "That was awesome." "What's Lenny's problem?" "They're so cute when they're little." "I know." "I miss it." "Ronnie, Ronnie, Ronnie." "(WOMEN GASP)" "You miss that?" "Really?" "Stay." "Stay." "(GROWLING)" "Don't you growl at me." "Stay, baby, stay." "Excuse me." "Is your kid gonna be in here when the instructor comes in?" "That's not my kid." "That's my lover, and he's very gentle." "(SINGING)" "Kids don't belong in here." "That leash better not trip me up." "Leash isn't gonna trip you up." "It's your big-ass, hairy man feet that are gonna trip you up." "(GRUNTS)" "She was just joking around, sir." "Cool it." "You're gonna get us killed." "DEANNE:" "I'm sorry." "I'm having the worst day." "Welcome to Squat Fitness, ladies." "Apparently your new instructor's running a bit late." "I'm sorry." "It's only five till..." "Yeah, so he asked me to lead you in some warm-up exercises." "So, everybody, up on your feet, and let's take a deep breath." "(INHALES) Good." "Deeper..." "Really stretch out those lungs." "And now let's shimmy." "Shake the shoulders back and forth." "Shake them." "Very good, very good." "Yeah, oh, yeah." "Now let's do some jackhammer squats." "Right, put your hands in front of you like this." "Just relax." "And then squat up and down but fast." "Faster, faster, there you go." "Really fast." "Faster, faster." "Too fast." "Do it a little slower." "Now, everybody turn, face the back of the room, bend over, and reach for your toes." "Why do we have to turn around?" "If you please." "And bend over as low as you can go." "Now take the right hand and slap it against the right cheek." "Relax the wrist and slap that right butt, slap it." "Good, I want to hear that slap." "Oh, yes, this is wonderful." "Morning, ladies." "You started without me?" "Yes, just like you asked me to." "Say it's true even if it isn't." "(EXCLAMATIONS OF DISGUST) What?" "Oh, you loved it!" "You loved it!" "(SCREAMING)" "Yeah, that's my boy." "All right." "JANITOR:" "You're all prostitutes!" "Anyway, I'm Kyle, and welcome to the summer session of Squatrobics 101." "I wish they called it something else, but that's what they told me to say." "Okay, so, before we start for real, any questions?" "Yes." "Are you married?" "(WOMEN CHUCKLE)" "No." "Nope, I'm..." "I'm single." "Um..." "Yeah." "(STAMMERING) I forgot." "You're so gorgeous, my head is spinning." "I'm sorry." "God." "Go ahead." "I have a very important question, and it's a two-parter." "The first part of the question is," ""Did a scientist make you in a lab?"" "And the second part of the question is," ""Can I stick my tongue down your throat, please?" (WOMEN CHUCKLING)" "All right, guys, look, I'm flattered." "Really, I am, but most of you are married and I happen to be gay." "(WOMEN GROAN WITH DISAPPOINTMENT)" "Of course he is." "All of 'em." "That sucks!" "DEANNE:" "What a waste!" "Stay out of my bag, little man." "Why does she have this?" "That's not a jock strap, that's a G-string." "(LAUGHING)" "(GRUNTS)" "Well, well, well, if it isn't Hollywood and the Squares." "(CHUCKLES)" "Hey, Malcolm, I didn't know you worked at Kmart, and apparently the hair on top of your head didn't know it, either." "What?" "Do me a favor, go like this." "I think I got something in my teeth." "What?" "You know, next time, you should use that Chia Pet stuff on your whole head." "What?" "Why is Higgins buying" "O.J.'s knife right now?" "You think you're tough?" "KURT:" "Hey, Malcolm, is that the knife the Indians used to half-scalp you with?" "I don't even get that." "What?" "Oh, come on, let's cheer him up" "Benny Hill-style." "Here we go." "ERIC:" "Come on, come on, come on, come on..." "LENNY:" "Does that make you feel better?" "Yo, Crocodile Dumb-dee, how'd it go with the kid?" "Good, good." "He's in school." "Kid's in school for one day?" "I didn't know what else to do." "He's a thug, Lenny." "He cut the head off a teddy bear." "Imagine what he'll do to me." "So you're gonna buy this to cut his head off?" "No, I just want him to think I'll cut his head off so then he won't cut my head off." "You want to scare a relative without causing permanent injury?" "May I suggest this?" "Ahhh!" "Sir?" "Sir?" "Can you get off the bed?" "It's wake-up time." "Yeah, all right, Grandma, I'm up!" "Stop yelling at me." "Now, why is..." "Being mean?" "I like sleeping over." "It's just you always yell." "You don't have to yell at me." "I love you." "I don't understand." "(GRUNTING WITH EFFORT)" "Clean-up, aisle nine." "Get out of me!" "And bring a shovel." "So, my son Bumpty told me he's gonna ask your daughter out on a date at school today." "First of all, my daughter's never been out on a date before, and I'm sure she's not gonna start off with some kid named Bumpty." "He is the only other black kid in her grade." "Wait, you want her to date a white guy?" "Yeah, Farrakhan." "I'd rather she date the whitest white guy in the world than your little bald-headed boy." "All right, but, you know, don't worry when she says yes, 'cause I already had the talk with him." "What talk?" "Dating." "I told him how we used to roll with the ladies in high school." "You know, beep-beep." "(MOANING)" "(YELLING AGGRESSIVELY)" "What?" "I should get some pepper spray for my kid." "Some moron on the bus keeps messing with him, and he refuses to fight back." "You know, that reminds me of someone I know." "Who?" "You." "What are you talking about?" "I got in plenty of fights." "Remember ninth grade when Tommy Cavanaugh moved here from Texas?" "He nonstop abused you, and you did nothing about it." "Tommy Cavanaugh was a 'roid freak." "He had back zits on his back zits." "Plus, he was joking around with me." "If it was real, I swear to God, I would've knocked him out." "Hey, isn't that Cavanaugh right there?" "Where?" "(ALL LAUGHING)" "Gotcha." "That was really funny, man, really funny." "Hey, you weren't exactly Captain Courageous when we were growing up, now, were you?" "Hey, I never backed out of a fight, though." "Yeah, but did you ever jump off Suicide 35 at the quarry?" "Oh, that's right." "He always came up with a lame excuse not to do it." "What are you talking about?" ""Oh, I can't." ""I'm on my period." "It'll attract sharks. "" "(STAMMERING)" "Suicide 35 off the top rock." "35 feet above the water." "My mom did that jump when she was pregnant with me. (LAUGHING)" "There's a raft in there?" "Whoa!" "Who did that?" "(BELL RINGING)" "All right, little birds." "Find your nests, man." "Float down." "There we go, and we're in." "All right, guys, normally we don't have exciting news this late into the term, but we have a new student joining us today, Braden Higgins." "Hey, there's an empty seat over there, man." "Why don't you go cop a squat?" "Or go that way, man." "Take your own path." "No." "I sit here." "Is your dad Marcus Higgins?" "Yeah, I've known him since I was a baby." "He's the funniest." "The best." "Great, great man." "I want to smash his face." "Yeah, me, too." "Yeah, I hate that guy." "Screw him." "Yo, Charlotte, hold up, hold up." "Question..." "How would you like to spend the first night of summer with a hardcore up-and-comer?" "What does that mean?" "I think he's asking you out." "He is?" "You are?" "I don't make stuff up." "Well, can Donna come?" "Three's a crowd, McCloud." "No, he didn't." "Yes, he did." "It's okay, Charlotte." "It's a date, your first date." "Just you two." "All right." "I mean," "I'd have to ask my parents, but I think that would be okay." "COACH:" "Hey, Bumpty." "You think just because it's the last day of school, you can sit and socialize the entire period?" "I don't think about stuff like that, Lady Shorts." "Well, can you think fast?" "Ow!" "(COACH LAUGHING)" "Who wants to watch me climb a rope?" "(GRUNTING) Yeah!" "Ugh." "Oh, you're the man!" "Whoo!" "Yo, he's got to put those Easter eggs back in the basket." "Dang!" "Kelly, I don't want to hear it!" "Oh, I can't take it anymore!" "I wish I never had you!" "Oh!" "Stop it!" "Stop it!" "See, that's why I don't want four kids." "Yeah, people with four just lose their minds." "Yeah." "They're yelling, they're screaming." "Sometimes they go to jail just to get some sleep." "Hold up." "Hang on." "I got a burpsnart coming." "Uh-oh." "(BURPS, SNEEZES AND FARTS)" "MARCUS:" "Ho ho!" "Come on." "You got to teach me how you do that." "A burpsnart?" "It's simple." "Yeah." "You just start with a burp, then you sniff for a sneeze, you get that going, and that triggers a fart, always." "What's up with this school bus?" "Okay." "I stole it." "What?" "Put your hands in the air." "* And wave them like you just don't care Say "ho"" "ALL: * Oh!" "* Say "ho"" "ALL: * Oh!" "*" "I heard you're having a party tonight, Lenny." "What?" "I'm not having a party." "Where did you hear that?" "He's a cop." "He hears everything." "LENNY:" "Oh, God." "Look, it's Magnum P. U." "Look at him getting all serious." "I still can't believe you're a cop after all the sick stuff you did growing up." "The Peter Dante who stole your parents' snowmobile and sold it to purchase crack cocaine is dead, Feder." "This side of the law is way better." "To serve and protect." "Got to love it." "Hey, McKenzie, I heard you assaulted somebody in there." "I didn't assault anybody." "I just choked out your brother." "Yeah, he deserves it." "He's crazy." "We got five minutes to get to that stupid recital." "Whoa, whoa, whoa." "Recital?" "At McDonough Elementary?" "Yes." "Can I come?" "Why?" "Trust me." "Everybody's got to go." "We got five minutes." "We're never gonna make it there." "You'll get there on time, 'cause we're gonna give you a four-alarm presidential police escort." "Isn't that against the law?" "I am the law!" "(GUN FIRING) (HORN HONKING)" "What's happening?" "(CHUCKLING) Whoo!" "(SIREN WAILING)" "(YELPING)" "(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)" "Oh, my God!" "What just happened?" "(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)" "Welcome, parents, to final performance of school year, our June-a-licious" "Dance Spectacular!" "Now, for this year, we go throwing a few hip-hop moves in there." "Like this." "Is fun to dance." "Let the show begin." "So nice of you to invite your friends and the bus driver and the police force to our daughter's dance recital." "Yeah, huge ballet fans, all of them." "(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)" "(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)" "SALLY:" "Ooh!" "ERIC:" "Oh." "She's so cute." "So cute." "She's adorable, isn't she?" "She is adorable." "Fantastic stuff." "Unbelievable." "Look at her go." "I am." "I'm looking at her." "I want to arrest her for disturbing the peace." "In my pants." "I'm having a wonderful time." "(HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYING)" "She's got a solo?" "(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)" "What?" "ROXANNE:" "It's fine." "I just wish that you would give me more than eight hours notice before you tell me that we're throwing a party, babe." "It's not a party." "Get out of here." "It's a couple people coming by." "Come on." "How'd you like it?" "You were great, honey." "Hey!" "Where did you learn to dance like that?" "She moves like "Yagger," no?" "Yes, she does, she moves like..." "Mick Yagger?" "Is that what you were saying?" "Hey, butter buns, you ready to grab some eats?" "Yes." "Cavanaugh." "Lenny Feder, I'll be damned." "Honey, this is Tommy Cavanaugh." "He was my old steroid that I grew up with." "This is my..." "Wife, Roxanne." "Why are your hands shaking, Daddy?" "My hands are shaking?" "Probably because I had too much coffee this morning, sweetheart." "I heard you been running around saying you could take me in a fight." "(CHUCKLING NERVOUSLY) You..." "I wouldn't say that." "Yeah, you did, this morning in Kmart." "Kmart?" "Was I there?" "I don't think I was there." "You know, all I can remember about this guy is smacking him around whenever I wanted to, and him not doing a single thing about it." "Yeah, we had a lot of good times like that growing up." "Why is your voice so shaky, Daddy?" "Are you crying?" "You don't stop talking, do you?" "Honey, we should be getting going." "Sure, baby." "I want you to stop making up lies about kicking my ass or I'm gonna have to set you straight." "Sure, sure, sure." "I'll see you around." "Becky, you be having great summer." "I was one inch away from knocking that guy out, and I swear to God." "No, you weren't." "This is grown-up talk, so butt out!" "(BLOWS RASPBERRY)" "That's insane!" "What did you say to him?" "I said, "Hey, Cavanaugh, you speak to me like that again" ""in front of my wife and kid, I will brush your teeth with a brick. "" "No, you didn't." "You just yelled at me." "I don't yell at you!" "Calm down." "No, I'm just saying." "You guys were in the bathroom." "Look who's here, everybody." "20 VOSS waters, right?" "That's how they do it in Hollyweird." "I don't know." "We haven't lived there in, what, 10 months now or something?" "As a matter of fact, our son starts work here tonight." "I know." "I heard you brown-nosed Mr. Pappas and now Showbiz Junior's got a job." "I used to scoop cones here, and why shouldn't he?" "It's a great first job for a kid." "Or lifetime job." "Okay, what are we having?" "Becky, what do you want, hon?" "Can I have the soft chocolate cup, please?" "Here's a word you probably never heard, no." "The machine's busted, princess." "Aw, bummer, it's broken?" "Like all your dreams?" "You know what, it's easy to fix." "I can help you with that." "What do you know about fixing ice cream machines, Higgins?" "Uh, I went to DeVry for a year." "Oh, that's right." "I can fix anything with a plug." "Including your hair?" "That's not true." "I don't even know how that got started." "That's, like, people are saying that around town." "I'll walk you through it." "You just walk up, climb up the machine, lean over the back." "Can't believe I'm listening to this idiot." "Listen to the man." "MARCUS:" "You're gonna see two pipes coming into the top." "Yes!" "In between them, there's gonna be a silver button." "Hit it a little bit." "Push hard." "No." "Hit it with your fist." "Yeah, just push the button." "I got it." "There we go!" "(LAUGHING)" "I think we're getting somewhere." "Okay, keep going." "Yeah, that... (ALL EXCLAIM IN DISGUST)" "Force it." "That's it." "Hey!" "Why is Dickie crapping all over the ice cream stand?" "What'd she say?" "Nothing!" "Nothing!" "Go!" "Just go!" "(SPURTING NOISES)" "SALLY:" "Go, Dickie!" "That's where ice cream comes from?" "And so we've reached the end of another school year." "Froot Loop?" "Ten months of learning, growth and, yes, hopefully, a little bit of fun." "But the journey we began together, in September, does not end today." "For education is a process that does not begin and end on some set schedule..." "Please let me finish." "Return to your seats." "(LAUGHING)" "Damn you!" "Every year, you do this to me!" "And this was my favorite shirt from when I was 12!" "How you doing, sophomore?" "Not bad, sophomore." "Come here!" "Hey, you're not a statue." "You're an ass-tue." "(CHUCKLES)" "Doesn't even make any sense." "Shut up!" "What?" "What?" "What?" "Nothing!" "Nothing!" "Nothing!" "What's up, man?" "Your dad picking you up?" "Uh, I don't know." "I told him it'd be cool if he stayed late at the soup kitchen, so it's on me." "Well, you can come on the bus with us, if you want." "Nah, how about we do something fun?" "How about we do something we're not supposed to?" ""Keep out. "" "That just makes me want to not keep out." "Heard our dads used to come swimming here, back in the day." "They claim to be all squeaky clean, but I think they were nuts." "(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)" "(KIDS CHATTERING AND CHEERING)" "College kids." "We better go." "No go." "Stay." "Whoo!" "He's nuts." "Let's go." "Hey!" "Where are you guys going?" "Join the party." "Here." "One and two." "Are you guys freshmen?" "No." "We're seniors." "We just became seniors, like, 20 minutes ago." "Not high school seniors, college seniors." "(GASPS) Wait a minute!" "I remember you guys." "You're Scully." "You're Boomer." "Come here." "I love you guys so much." "I love you, too." "Girl, I love you more." "I'm gonna go." "Whoo!" "Body shots!" "No go." "Stay." "Okay, okay." "But what about these beers, man?" "If we don't drink them, they'll be onto us, and I'm not sure I'm ready for beer yet." "Wait, let's just dump them when no one's looking, then act like we're drunk." "Okay." "Good idea." "All right, let's go." "(LAUGHING)" "Summertime." "You're sure you want to do this, big man?" "No shame in backing down." "Really?" "Come on!" "Come on." "It's a lifelong shame." "You're finally doing Suicide 35." "It's a big day." "What are you scared of, man?" "You're the "rope from the tree, triple flip, bird-crush" guy." "I'm not scared of this." "In the past, I did it before." "But I'll do it right now." "Sure." "Sure." "Go ahead." "MARCUS:" "Do it." "Do it." "ERIC:" "Whoa." "But the thing is this, I just..." "I ate about 45 minutes ago." "What did you eat?" "I had chicken chow mein." "Chicken chow mein?" "When did..." "We were with you the whole time!" "Yeah." "You didn't see it?" "They had it at Kmart." "They have chicken chow..." "Oh, get out of here." "It's good there." "Yeah." "It's very good." "What do I hear right now?" "Look at this." "Beers on ice." "Hot ladies everywhere." "This is how we used to do it." "This is how I still do it, buddy." "He does still do it that way." "Well, you should stop." "This is Kappa Eta Sigma property." "(ALL BARK)" "So you might want to quit perving on our ladies and get back to your trailer homes. (CHUCKLE)" "Okay, easy there, Abercrombie." "I think it's..." "I think we've been around a little longer than you." "Been swimming here since we were eight years old, so you can calm down a little bit." "I'm sure it was the bomb!" "Cranking your Al Jolson tunes on your transistor radio." "But it's the 21 st century now." "And Thicky-Thick and the Flabby Bunch should never take their shirts off again." "That hurts." "Okay, I guess I'm Thicky-Thick." "Yeah, well, I don't like being in the Flabby Bunch, either." "Boom!" "That just happened." "I haven't been around this many arrogant white college kids since Eminem played Duke." "There it goes." "And then..." "Boom!" "That just happened." "How was that?" "At least we got into college, skinny Danny Glover." "(LAUGHING MOCKINGLY)" "(GRUNTING)" "Long handjob." "That's Rock, Paper, Scissors." "I think it's over." "Hey, hey, hey!" "What, what, what?" "What?" "And a little extra right there." "Hey, fellows, that was a good handshake." "We got a good one, too." "It goes like this." "Okay, here we go." "Oh, how you doing, sir?" "Nice to see you." "Very good, sir." "Beautiful day." "Yeah, at least we're not stuck in some crap town like this, hanging up drywall for the rest of our lives." "Bay-oom!" "Hanging drywall?" "First of all," "I'll have you know that I own pretty much the greatest auto body shop in town, all right?" "This guy works for the cable company." "Free cable for life." "What?" "Over here, you know Higgins?" "That's right, he works part-time down at the go-kart track." "Oh, so he was highballing you with the drywall." "BOTH:" "Boom!" "(CHUCKLING)" "This just got real." "Real stupid?" "What happened?" "Something's real." "(SINGING INDISTINCTLY)" "Yeah..." "Dougie, Dougie..." "Are you guys as wasted as us?" "BOTH:" "Hells, yeah!" "All the time!" "Yo, we're gonna let you guys continue your Klan meeting in a minute." "He's just gonna jump off of here, and then we'll leave." "I can't permit that." "I can't permit it!" "Can't permit it." "You guys have ruined our celebration by being here." "Look at my hands, huh?" "They're shaking, I'm so mad." "Yeah, look, my brother's shaking." "LENNY:" "Wha..." "Wha..." "Whoa, whoa." "That was a cool move." "Now, listen to me." "I'm gonna kick this kid's ass." "But I need, like, 11 to 15 minutes to stretch out, okay?" "I got to stretch." "It's overlooked." "No, I understand." "I can't fight these kids." "I'm skinny Danny Glover." "Guys, this guy's doing 11 flips behind you for some unknown reason." "We got kids, we can't afford to do this." "Buddy, dude, you don't have to do that last flip." "Don't, like, get hurt." "We'll come back another time." "You will come back never!" "This is Kappa Eta Sigma property!" "(BOTH BARK)" "Dude, why are you acting so crazy?" "Did Betty White just call you crazy?" "Did he just call you Betty White?" "Betty White?" "That's pretty funny." "We've got a situation!" "(ALL WHOOPING)" "You know what?" "Hey, guys?" "Guys?" "LENNY:" "Hey, what's up, guys?" "ERIC:" "Let's get out of here." "MARCUS:" "Listen, it's nice to meet everybody." "We're gonna take off, but let's do this again." "Take care, guys." "Enjoy yourself." "Not that way." "Oh, is there an elevator?" "That way." "Oh, come on, are you serious?" "You gonna make us jump?" "Naked." "Asshole." "(SCREAMING)" "CROWD:" "Oh!" "(SCREAMS)" "You guys are losers." "(SCREAMS)" "CROWD:" "Oh!" "(SHRIEKING)" "Don't worry, it gets bigger." "Ahh!" "Whoa!" "CROWD:" "Oh!" "That poor old lady!" "Ahh!" "Ah ha ha!" "I'm paralyzed!" "I'm in so much pain!" "Mama!" "No!" "CROWD:" "Oh!" "(COUGHS)" "I was inside you!" "I can't believe nobody's even scared of a black guy anymore!" "Damn you, Obama!" "What the hell just happened?" "I saw my dad's dick." "(SHUDDERS)" "Well, the good news is Lamonsoff finally did the jump for real." "And the bad news is he landed on my face." "What are you, made of rocks, dude?" "Check this out, feel this." "I'm not kidding you." "Right up here." "I think even higher." "Feel that." "And?" "Put your hand right there." "Feel the other one." "Those are my balls." "I'm not kidding you, they went way up in there." "You're getting me turned on." "Are you kidding me?" "What?" "They slashed our tires!" "These kids won't stop abusing us!" "LENNY:" "Damn you!" "This wasn't college kids." "It was my son, Satan." "And why is this kid so angry?" "His mom hiccupped a lot, but she was happy!" "And hot." "If she's so hot, why don't you make her your late-night booty call?" "Oh, Beefcakes!" "Come on, baby!" "(YELLING IN ANGER)" "You've been sneaking around with Fabio?" "(LAUGHING)" "It's not funny, dude!" "She's gonna kick the crap out of me later!" "ERIC:" "Wow." "Wow." "A little five-hour Energy, huh?" "Yeah." "500-hour Energy?" "I drink it for the taste, okay?" "Oh, my God, you gonna jog to Florida after this?" "(BURPSNARTS)" "BOTH:" "Oh!" "No!" "A bonus!" "Come on, just cram yourself in there." "My body, it's just too big for this thing." "I can't fit." "Higgins, dummy, hop in this thing for a minute." "For what?" "Just get in the tire." "No way!" "In there?" "Five yards we'll roll you." "We've done it." "I would do it if I could get in there." "This is peer pressure, you're bullying." "And I promise you I'll stop you and I love you." "Don't let him do it." "He's jacked up on juice." "And a-one, and a-two..." "Mommy's got you." "...and a-three!" "(CELL PHONE RINGING)" "MARCUS:" "Okay, five feet." "Grab me." "Y'ello." "Lenny!" "Hey, Keithie." "Meet me at the football field, but don't tell your mother." "Why am I still rolling?" "Lenny!" "Oops." "MARCUS:" "Help!" "Guys, get me!" "LENNY:" "Hang in there!" "MARCUS:" "I'm going downhill!" "Lenny!" "No!" "No!" "(HORNS HONKING)" "When will it end?" "(YELPING)" "(WAILING)" "Oh, yeah." "Summer is here, man!" "(BLOWING WHISTLE)" "MARCUS:" "Help!" "Stop!" "No!" "(EXCLAIMS IN ALARM)" "Tire on the loose!" "Fluzoo, shotgun, now!" "(SIREN WAILING)" "MARCUS:" "Someone!" "Higgins is in the tire!" "Of course." "Help!" "LENNY:" "Get there!" "Help!" "Liar!" "No, no, baby!" "No!" "No!" "Someone!" "(GRUNTING IN PAIN)" "Ahh!" "Ahh!" "(HIGGINS YELLING)" "Show's over, tire." "MARCUS:" "Ow!" "(VOMITING)" "I'm next." "I got next!" "No, I'm next!" "(ALL ARGUING)" "It's my tire!" "My turn!" "Hey!" "What happened?" "I got a phone call." "Oh." "Okay." "I forgive you." "Was it long-distance or something?" "Don't want to kick a guy while he's down, Higgins, but we caught your son with a can of spray paint looking like he was up to no good." "You lied about the soup." "You lied about the soup!" "We are gonna find those fartheads, and we are gonna kill them." "Kill!" "Kill!" "Kill!" "Kill!" "Kill!" "Kill!" "No, guys!" "Not each other!" "We're not killing each other!" "K" " E-I-T" "H" " I-E." "Keithie, Keithie, Keithie!" "Whoo!" "Uh-huh!" "It's a practice, Donna." "You don't have to go full speed." "Sorry, Mr. Feder." "It's fine!" "Hey, look at these giant mooses out there." "(ALL GRUNTING)" "You don't want to get in the middle of all that." "Plus, the kicker, honestly, is like, one of the most important guys on the team and you don't have to worry about getting your head bashed in every play." "(SIGHS) I get it, Dad." "I'm a wimp." "You're not a wimp." "It's just common sense." "Avoid big idiots trying to hurt you." "I was trying to avoid a big idiot trying to hurt me on the bus this morning, but he wouldn't leave me alone." "Well, sometimes they won't let you avoid them, and you just..." "You can't back down in those situations." "I'm telling you, I've backed down a few times, it's not a good feeling." "All right, look, let's just kick a few field goals." "It's like soccer, which you're great at." "All you got to do is put your foot right through the ball." "Whoo!" "What?" "Touchdown!" "Yeah!" "Yeah!" "That's ridiculous!" "Your first try?" "All right, we're backing up, boy." "That was totally awesome, Keithie!" "That was so cool!" "That was just, like, awesome!" "Okay, drive through the ball." "Drive through the ball." "It's up!" "Whoo!" "Yeah!" "Whoo!" "Go, Keithie!" "LENNY:" "Yes!" "What did you eat this morning?" "All right, this is starting to get into, like, college level." "From the 30!" "Who the hell is this kid?" "(BOTH YELLING AND LAUGHING)" "Oh, my God!" "* Stop!" "Keithie time!" "* Oh!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "*" "I'm starting to think she has a little crush on you." "Really?" "Either that or she got bit by a poisonous spider." "Keithie!" "Whoo!" "All right, let's see how you do in a real game situation, though." "Okay?" "Let's pretend I'm a linebacker, and I'm gonna come at you and try and block it." "Okay." "Set!" "Hike!" "I'm a crazy linebacker!" "Give me that football!" "(GRUNTS)" "(BOTH GRUNT) (BONE CRACKING)" "Oh, my leg!" "Keithie!" "Don't tell your mother!" "All right, that kid's dead." "Back to work." "(BLOWS WHISTLE)" "Now, you remember how to do a five-point turn, right?" "Yeah." "Parallel park?" "Yeah, yeah." "Hey, don't "yeah, yeah" me, dumb-ass." "You're precious cargo." "Now, if you mess around and get yourself killed," "I'm gonna have to kill you." "Look, Dad, I'm ready for this, all right?" "You're late." "Hello, McKenzie." "Hey, Wiley, how you feeling?" "Oh, just two years of this." "And I still only have 40% feeling in my body." "Otherwise, I'm fine." "No, Rihanna's fine." "You just teach driver's ed." "Get her done, son!" "And remember everything we talked about!" "Defensive driving!" "Stop at all yellows!" "Obey the laws!" "(HORN HONKING)" "DRIVER 1:" "You moron!" "DRIVER 2:" "Look out!" "Be safe!" "Don't do what I just did!" "MARCUS:" "Hey, officers, you guys want to stick around and have a drink with me, hang out a little bit?" "You're afraid of us leaving you alone with your son, aren't you?" "My son..." "Are you kidding me?" "I don't care..." "Boo!" "He's got a knife!" "That sounds dangerous." "How far was the drop?" "Just 35 feet." "Who do you think you are, Tarzan?" "It's no big deal." "Honey?" "Hi, (STAMMERING) Sally." "Hi, honey." "I..." "No, I just came to see if Mommy was alive." "And looking now, she's breathing, she's good." "Hi." "What are you doing here?" "I was bringing your mother a new fan for the summer." "That's good." "You said you couldn't get coffee with me because you had a 3:30 appointment with a Mr. Renaldo." "Hello, ladies!" "You!" "Can't be!" "We killed you." "Last week." "You actually think two amateurish nitwits could kill The Great Renaldo?" "I told you." "You did." "You called it." "So the leg's not really broken, huh?" "No, it is broken, right here." "Just a hairline fracture, though." "No, it's a clean break." "Slight, though." "Slight?" "No." "It's broken." "Broken-broken or just broken?" "It's a broken leg." "What was once one bone is now two half-bones." "Right." "Is there anything you can do about my wife staring at me?" "No, I'm not a psychiatrist." "So you're saying my wife is crazy?" "No, no." "I was joking." "Like you were when you said his leg is broken." "Look, your son is going to be wearing that cast the entire summer." "If you don't mind, I haven't slept in 68 hours." "So you're a little loopy from lack of sleep, and that really isn't my son's bone." "That's a piece of celery you snapped." "ROXANNE:" "Lenny!" "Yes?" "The leg is broken!" "(SPEAKING SPANISH)" "You can't undo this, and you lied to me, so you're gonna pay for it." "Doctor, wouldn't it be nice if there was a cure for anger?" "There is." "It's called Jack Daniel's." "Another one of your jokes, huh?" "I wish." "WILEY:" "Okay, the light is red now, so just remain stopped." "Scully, is that you?" "Scully!" "Hey, what's up, fellas?" "Are you taking your driver's test drunk?" "Yeah, I'm MC Hammered!" "Oh!" "You're a madman!" "Psychopath, man!" "Hey, Scully, Scully." "Have you seen those old townies from the quarry today?" "No, I can't say I did." "Why?" "They disrespected our frat house!" "Man, they disrespected the crap out of it!" "Oh, no, can't have that." "Brewski time, dude!" "It's not for you, Scully." "It's for that freak in the hat next to you." "Looks like he needs it." "Boom!" "Yeah!" "That just happened!" "Kill!" "Kill!" "Kill!" "Kill!" "Taking your driver's test while intoxicated?" "Minus five points." "This is ridiculous!" "I've wasted an entire day waiting for this idiot to show up." "Did you tell him your son-in-law works for the cable company?" "A fat lot of good being related to that bozo would do me." "I'm gonna run to the bathroom." "Love to the children." "Yes." "Yes." "Damn it, I just sat down." "I'll be right out there!" "Hang on!" "I'm coming as quick as I can." "I got bunions, damn it!" "(ENGINE STARTING)" "No!" "No!" "(MACKENZIE LAUGHING) You burn in hell!" "You cable-installing mother..." "Oh, damn it!" "Look, man," "I know deadbeat dads always have lame excuses why they don't see their kids, but "I didn't know you existed till about a week ago"" "is actually a fantastic excuse." "So can you cut me some slack?" "Her name's not Hiccups McGee." "Yeah, I know that." "So why do you call her that?" "No, that's just..." "It's stupid." "It's just kind of a nickname I give people that, you know, have a distinct trait or physical feature." "Like, if someone had big lips, you'd call them Lippy McGee." "And if they sneezed a lot, you'd call them Sneezy McGee." "Oh, so you'd be Ugly McGee." "I'd be Ugly McGee." "Exactly." "Shorty McGee." "Shorty McGee, sure." "Viagra McGee." "Right, right." "You get it, you get it." "Listen, man," "I'm willing to give this a try if you are." "You know what they say..." "Yesterday's history, tomorrow's a mystery." "Maybe we go inside and search the Internet for funny videos of squirrels waterskiing." "(IMITATING A SQUIRREL)" "Okay, we're getting somewhere." "ERIC:" "I'm sorry I lied about the appointment." "The lying's not the worst part." "You hid from me at your mother's house, Eric." "Who does that?" "Look, she's nice to me." "You know, she always takes my side, worries if I'm eating enough and taking my vitamins." "I do all that stuff, too, Eric." "Okay, I don't." "You're right." "You know, there's only so many hours in a day, and I'm always running around the kids, and I guess I leave you out a lot, and I'm really gonna try harder to make you feel special," "'cause you always make me feel like the only girl in the world." "I feel bad." "Don't feel bad." "No, I do, because today at the recital," "I couldn't stop looking at Becky's teacher." "I don't mind you looking." "I really don't." "Everybody looks." "(SIGHS) I was looking today." "And I'm totally fine with that." "As long as he was gay, dead or a cartoon." "Gay." "Okay." "But no matter who or what we look at, we'll always come back to each other, right?" "Car wash!" "Car wash!" "Whoo!" "Support our team!" "I'll prove it to you!" "Car wash!" "What are you doing?" "No, no, you're gonna like this." "Hi, girls!" "ERIC:" "Come on." "Honey, you don't have to do this." "I want to." "Hi, girls!" "Wash it up extra soapy!" "You got it." "(HORN HONKING)" "Oh, wait, hang on." "There's a car just in front of you." "Better do them first." "Yo, got a customer!" "You take these guys, we'll take the yellow car." "Extra soapy." "Oh, what is happening right now?" "I swear, I didn't plan this." "No, no, no, no." "Thank you." "I'm good." "I'm good, thank you." "Well, I might as well enjoy this." "Why is this never-ending?" "At least the guys in the car in front of us are having fun." "What are you doing?" "Get in there!" "Let me do it." "LENNY:" "Okay, everybody." "It wasn't a perfect day." "I admit it." "There were some downs." "Sorry about the leg." "The good news is the children got through another year of school." "Fabulously." "You got older, even though I told you not to." "Especially you." "Stay young." "Don't leave me." "You prepared us your famous chicken à la food poisoning, which we're all excited to eat." "(LAUGHING) I'm just kidding." "But the greatest thing is, it's my favorite part of the day with my four best friends." "To the Feders!" "(ALL CHEER)" "So Bumpty asked me out for ice cream today." "I "went out for ice cream" once with your dad." "Nine months later, Andre popped out." "This is the best vanilla pudding I've ever had." "That's butter, son." "Here you go." "Oh, hey." "Want me to come in and feed it to you like I did the last time?" "No, no." "I got my kid here." "That wouldn't be cool." "You said you loved me!" "(SIGHS)" "They're not all tens, buddy." "(STATIC BUZZING)" "Homeboy, why aren't you eating?" "I saw something today that made me lose my appetite." "What was it, me naked?" "What?" "What's a burpsmart?" "Burpsnorp?" "A burpsnart!" "Basically, he burps, sneezes and farts at the same time." "He goes... (BURPSNARTS)" "(BOTH LAUGHING)" "I think I just shat myself." "Hey, honey, what time's that Feder bash tonight?" "What?" "It's paint." "It doesn't come off." "I thought it might be fun to have a theme, no?" "A theme?" "Roxanne decided the theme is..." "The '80s?" "The '80s?" "The '80s?" "That was 70 years ago." "I thought we could go as Hall  Oates." "Hall  Oates?" "Yeah." "Yeah." "What is that, like a cereal?" "No." "Why don't you ask Nancy Arbuckle to come by for the get-together?" "Or do you prefer the imaginary shower version?" "(CHUCKLING)" "(SCREAMS)" "You know what, Charlotte?" "I trust you, and I want you to have fun tonight." "Really." "(DOORBELL RINGS)" "What's up, player?" "I'm here for your daughter." "What..." "Used to get 10 cases of beer for my parties, now I get 10 cases of juice boxes." "Hey, Beckster." "Hey, Stud Muffin." "Hey." "Mommy calls him Stud Muffin, so I call him Stud Muffin." "Is that right?" "You must be Roxanne's husband." "I'm Kyle." "How do you know my wife again there, Mud Stuffing?" "I worked her out this morning." "Oh, really?" "I worked her out this morning, too, pretty good." "All right." "Hi." "What's up?" "This is awkward." "My husband's here." "Why is that awkward?" "Why?" "Well, let me give you a hint." "You have brain damage?" "(LAUGHS)" "I think we both know what time it is, don't we?" "What time is it?" "Oh, nothing." "It's just..." "Just time to... (WHISPERS) Help me out here." "I'm lost right now." "I'm sorry." "Wiley, how'd Andre McKenzie do?" "Did he pass his test?" "He squeaked by." "We didn't check out any soapy cheerleaders." "What's going on with you and my wife?" "I'm gonna go." "Actually, why don't we all go our separate ways." "I don't see any of these conversations working out for me." "Adios." "I'll see you tonight." "Hey." "I'll bring the Hubba Bubba." "What?" "Yeah, party tonight '80s-style, huh?" "Rocky Iii." "Wiley!" "Okay." "Hey, babe." "What does Penny's note say?" "Uh..." "She wrote, "Mayonnaise, zitis... "" "The other side." ""Meet me by your mailbox at 11:00."" "Why would I meet her by my mailbox at 11:00?" "You have any idea what just happened there?" "Not a clue." "DICKIE:" "I don't care who your parents are." "You screw up, I fire you." "It's all good." ""It's all good"?" "It's a family restaurant, not a rap show." "It's all bad?" "That's right, it is." "You got a customer." "I'm sorry." "Welcome to the Ice Cream House." "Hi, Greg." "Nancy, hi." "I think you crushed your cones." "Oh, no." "That was a..." "That was a squeeze test." "These cones failed." "We're gonna try cardboard cones next. (LAUGHS)" "You're smiling." "And number two." "You have such a nice smile." "Thanks." "Go out with me tonight before your friends say I'm fugly." "Tonight?" "Sure." "No freaking way." "Your father used to do that same three-step crap when we were growing up." "It always worked then." "Even on my wife." "I ain't no boy with a mind you can toy, 'cause if this is a ploy, I'll destroy Illinois." "It is so amazing how you can freestyle like that." "I been laying it down truthful since day one." "(IMITATING A TURNTABLE)" "Well, I sing sometimes, too, but only, like, in the shower." "I'm scared to sing in front of other people." "If you scared, that means you don't got it." "Sorry to be blunt, but I don't front." "I'm hard-core." "(RIBBITING)" "Dinosaur!" "How long ago was the '80s?" "That was way back in the 1900s." "We learned about it in school." "It was wack." "The phones had long, curly things coming out of the end." "You had to watch commercials." "No way." "Isn't that right, Bowser?" "How we doing?" "Hey, Dad, why do we have to wear costumes and you don't?" "I am wearing a costume." "Bruce Springsteen, Born in the U.S.A." "Who's Bruce Springsteen?" "I guess some guy with a giant butt." "Ha." "You don't know who the Boss is?" "I stink as a father." "You do not stink as a father." "You're the best father I know." "That's why I don't understand why you don't..." "Why I don't want a baby?" "Because I don't want one!" "Let's move on from that!" "(SOBBING)" "Oh, no." "No, no." "Tell her it wasn't you talking, Dad." "It was your flabby ass." "You want me to "accidentally" break the other leg?" "Hey, I'm sorry I raised my voice." "In front of the children!" "Right, in front of the kids." "It's just, you..." "All you're doing is bringing up this baby thing over and over." "Are you going through, like, a "womany" hormone situation or something?" "(GASPS)" "Menopause?" "What, you're not old enough for that?" "I'm sorry." "Okay, no, I meant schizophrenia." "No, honey, honey, honey, if we have another baby, we're starting over, you know?" "How about we just adopt a kid?" "Like a 20-year-old who has a job." "That way we could make money off of him." "Oh!" "I just..." "Don't you think we can start concentrating on me and you?" "That's all I'm saying." "It's our time." "Well, I am going through kind of a hormone thing." "Ah, good, there's pills for that." "I'm pregnant." "(DOORBELL RINGS)" "(GASPS)" "Our guests are here." "Wait a minute, when did we even have..." "Oh." "Damn you, Motel 6 hot tub!" "MARCUS:" "Wow." "Lenny, that's big, brother." "Yeah, four kids is the best." "What are you talking about, Prince?" "You told me it would be the worst if that happened." "There's a lot of great aspects to that." "Like, when Junior graduates high school, you'll be 64." "How is that a good thing?" "Actually, it's horrifying." "I didn't do the math before I opened my mouth." "Sorry." "Whoo." "Nice job, Cher." "Okay, I'm not Cher." "I'm Meat Loaf, all right?" "Yeah." "You're Meat Loaf, or you're made of meat loaf?" "(LAUGHING SARCASTICALLY) Who are you, Doug Henning?" "I'm Oates." "Where's Hall?" "Hall's having a playdate with your kids." "(GIGGLING) (BOTH SCREAMING)" "Anyway, you got nothing to worry about, Lenny." "All right?" "You're a great dad." "Right, I know." "I broke my son's leg today." "That's a real good dad." "Guys, you're bumming me out, all right?" "This is supposed to be party time." "This isn't gonna be a real party." "I'm drinking a juice box, 'cause I'm afraid my wife's gonna yell at me for getting drunk in front of the kids." "How many of you guys have been to a party in the past six months?" "(WHOOPS)" "A party without a bouncy house." "(MAKES DEFLATED NOISE)" "A party where they actually invited you." "Yeah." "The party's over, fellas." "You saw the way those frat guys treated us today." "We're irrelevant." "We're losers." "We're old." "Lamonsoff totally surrendered." "He's got a fanny pack on now, for God's sake." "You know what, first of all, it's a "survanny" pack, a survival fanny pack, with many special features." "So you pull that triangle and lasagna comes out?" "(LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY)" "Why don't you give it a shot?" "You got it." "I'll pull the string." "(ALL YELL)" "* Like a raft out of hell!" "*" "Yeah, good one, that was good." "Don't ever say the party's over!" "That didn't happen." "Hey, Richard Simmons is a hero." "No, no, no, no, no." "What's with all this Prince?" "I'm Prince." "The hell." "You ain't Prince." "I'm Prince." "My skin's way lighter than yours." "You should have came as Seal on a hunger strike. (BOTH CHUCKLE)" "You look like Morgan Freeman if he was a transvestite." "And what you doing here, Bumpty?" "I thought you was out with my daughter." "That ain't Bumpty." "That's my wife." "Oh, Mary!" "I didn't recognize you." "Where's your costume?" "I didn't find out about the party until it was too late." "So you decided to come as a black Muppet?" "What?" "Come on, you're my one and only, sweetie-boo-mo-mo." "Make a muscle for me?" "Pwease?" "Ooh!" "So bulgy." "Like a big caramel apple." "(MOANS)" "Wow." "I'm scared." "I feel safe with you." "Shut up." "You know, I can make a connection with a woman." "I just can't sustain it." "You know, there's a distance there." "Try to fill it up pharmaceutically, you know, with pills, or the Discovery Channel, or Dino Nuggets." "But nothing really works." "See, you understand, you know?" "'Cause you're, I heard, sensitive (CLEARS THROAT) to men." "God, he's hot!" "Zip it!" "He'll find out our secret!" "Drink up, partner." "Yeah!" "Lenny!" "Uh-oh!" "Secret table." "Yes, honey, how are you?" "What's going on?" "We just trying to get our punch on." "Becky's sleepy." "She wants her daddy to put her to bed." "Well, Daddy's right about to enjoy some refreshing punch, so could you put her to sleep?" "Well, you wouldn't want to have too much punch with all these kids running around." "You know what, I'd be okay with that." "Actually, you wouldn't." "Gotcha." "I'll be back soon, fellas." "I'll be back soon." "That's a promise." "Let's go, little girl." "Good night." "Time to go to sleep." "Close your eyes." "Yeah, Mom." "As easy as making a free throw." "Hey, Bean, Becky went to sleep." "I think it's time for you to hit it, pal." "What do you say?" "Oh, no, no, don't touch that." "Yeah, you might break it." "(PLAYING CLASSICAL MUSIC)" "What..." "Where did you learn how to do that?" "I saw it in one of my dreams." "You're a genius?" "My boy's a genius." "(BURPSNARTS)" "Your dad's also a genius." "Sweet dreams there, angel, okay?" "Daddy, can you lay in bed with me till I fall asleep?" "What do you mean?" "I thought you are sleepy." "That's why we came up here." "Please lay down." "Oh!" "I'll lay down with you, then." "I just..." "There's a party going on, but..." "Can you tell me a story?" "Look who was in the neighborhood!" "Some of Lenny's friends from the old J. Geils Band!" "(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)" "Daddy?" "You don't want one slug?" "No." "I thought you liked this stuff." "Sorry." "All right." "I'll tell you a story." "Once upon a time, there was a hand, and the hand faced-raked the child." "Sleep!" "Slee..." "Sleep!" "Boy, Feder's cranking his old rock and roll records pretty loud." "Guess he's never heard of neighbors." "Now, why you stopping here?" "I need some air." "You need some air?" "We haven't even gotten to the party yet." "I would appreciate it if you would stop trying to "manage" me." "Word, word." "Want me to stay and wait with you?" "I just want to be alone!" "Yo, don't believe the hype." "Boy!" "Daddy, I can't fall asleep without Mr. Gigglesworth." "You told me he would be okay." "He will be." "I..." "He just needs to rest a little bit longer, okay?" "Please, Daddy." "I need to see him." "He had a very rough day." "But I'll get him for you, because you need to see him." "Doing leg lifts." "I work out when I can, you know?" "Want some Daddy candy right here?" "Why are you naked?" "Global warming." "Why is this empty?" "Where is Gigglesworth?" "Hey, hey." "I'm sorry, man." "Were you looking for this?" "Why's he look good?" "I sewed him." "You sew?" "Where'd you learn how to sew?" "Gay camp." "You went to gay camp?" "You're gay?" "No, no." "No, I mean, I'm gay, but no, there's no such thing as gay camp, man." "It was a joke." "I learned to sew from my dad, who was a tailor." "I've been sewing since I was Becky's age." "Here." "This is great." "Gigglesworth's okay, you're not fooling around with my wife, and you got a pee stain." "That is not mine." "You're an animal." "I am the law!" "(SCREAMING)" "ALL:" "Oh!" "(ALL CHEER)" "Can you dig it?" "Ah!" "Come on, big man, Lenny's got, like, 12 bathrooms." "I don't got to go to the bathroom." "I'm just enjoying the water." "WOMAN:" "Get out." "Hurry!" "Hurry!" "Oh, Fluzoo, come on!" "That's not even warm." "It's hot." "I got to give it to your old man for one thing." "He could always throw a party." "This is my dad's party?" "DICKIE:" "Check out your girlfriend in the Pat Benatar outfit." "(ALL GROAN IN DISAPPOINTMENT)" "(SINGING)" "(ALL CHEERING)" "KURT:" "Charlotte, that was amazing." "Where'd you learn to sing like that?" "No place." "I just sing a little in the shower. (CHUCKLES)" "Maybe you should stick to the shower. (BEATBOXING)" "* 'Cause I gots the power" "* I'm on Today Show Dissing Matt Lauer *" "DEANNE:" "Bumpty!" "Do me a favor and shut your mouth before I slap that Mohawk into a chin strap." "ALL:" "What?" "LENNY:" "Hey." "Who invited you guys?" "Your beautiful wife does." "Well, she invited her, and naturally, we assumed it was a plus one." "There a problem?" "No, I was gonna say, great Terminator outfit and Robert Palmer thing you got on, and... (MUTTERING)" "Nice babble." "DUFFY:" "How about this?" "KEITHIE:" "No." "DUFFY:" "What about that?" "Does that hurt?" "Is that hurting you?" "Yes, it is hurting me." "Oh." "Okay." "Well, let me do it some more." "You got something to say?" "LENNY:" "Actually, Cavanaugh." "You want to stay at my party, I think you owe me an apology." "For what?" "For back in the day, always giving me crap." "You don't want to let bygones be bygones?" "I do." "After you apologize to me." "For stuff I did 30 years ago?" "There isn't a statute of limitations on being a dick." "What'd you just say?" "I said what I said." "You and me are fighting right now." "Now, let's go!" "Let's get it over with." "(CROWD CLAMORING)" "Oh, man, looks like our friend's about to die." "Lenny, what's going on?" "I'm calling the police!" "We're already here." "(SNORING)" "Hold my hair, woman." "You ready for this?" "Not at all, but I'm gonna do this, 'cause I got to show my son what's right." "We'd do anything for our boys, wouldn't we?" "Absolutely." "Yeah." "My boy's over in Afghanistan." "Well, you raised him right." "I hope he gets home safe soon." "Yeah, me, too." "OFFICER DANTE:" "Sucker-punch him, Feder." "Lick his bicep." "Lick it, bite it, lick the tan off." "All right, here's what's gonna happen." "Hit me right on the chin." "I'll go down like a sack of potatoes." "What are you talking about?" "Just do it." "I know you'd do the same for me if my boy was watching." "Let's get busy, Hollywood!" "No!" "Don't hit me, please!" "I'm sorry." "Please don't hit me." "You would tear me limb from limb." "Open this." "The only reason I picked on you was because I was afraid of you." "What?" "Oh, my God." "Please, please, please." "Just go with it." "I didn't think anyone would believe you could knock me out." "Please." "Don't hit me." "Cavanaugh's crying." "This is ridiculous!" "MAN:" "Cavanaugh." "You mean you don't want me to hit you with this?" "No!" "Please." "Or the elbow?" "Finger in the eye!" "Wow." "Listen to this guy!" "All right, get up." "Straighten up." "I'm not gonna hit you, but if you ever disrespect me or anybody," "I will hunt you down, and I will slap you into a pile of tattoos, bad breath and back zits." "Oh, please." "Do you understand me?" "Yes, I understand you." "Do you understand me?" "Yes, I understand you!" "Then walk away before I change my mind." "Thank you very much." "(CROWD CHEERING)" "Hey, man, look at him!" "What just happened?" "ALL:" "Lenny!" "Lenny!" "Lenny!" "Oh, my God, that was the manliest thing you ever did." "You get extra special hip-hop dance tonight." "Word up." "(FRAT BOYS WHOOPING)" "Hey, guys, if you see Leonard, could you tell him that I'm here waiting like we arranged?" "Guys?" "Guys?" "Yeah, okay." "Okay, I am a person!" "ERIC:" "That was awesome, by the way." "Had to." "Had to." "Yeah, yeah, you had to." "He let you off the hook, didn't he?" "He did, he did, but I had to go with it." "I can't believe it!" "We hit the moron jackpot!" "Everybody who needs a beating, conveniently together on one lawn." "Who are they?" "Brunson University frat guys." "Oh, God, I hate white people." "Excuse me, why are you here?" "What's the matter?" "(IMITATING ACCENT) I tell you what is the matter." "These old townies trashed our frat house!" "And nobody treats our good-times headquarters with disrespect!" "ALL:" "Yeah!" "They didn't do it." "Me do it." "Don't try and cover for him, Z-Dog!" "Who's Z-Dog?" "We know they're trying to get back at us for making them do the naked plunge in our swimming hole." "Your swimming hole?" "I've been swimming at the quarry since I was eight years old." "Apparently, everybody in this crap town has been swimming there since they were eight years old." "I guess nobody wants to leave this dump because they're too busy sucking!" "(ALL CHEER)" "We'll finish later." "You promise?" "I promise." "Okay." "BAILEY:" "Hey, smart guy!" "Lenny Feder left this town, moved to Hollywood, made big bucks, probably more money than all you brainiacs put together ever will." "But guess what?" "He came back here." "'Cause this beautiful town is his home." "And it always will be his home." "Well, that was just a moving testament to this community, bro!" "But we didn't come here to hear any lame speeches." "We came here to kick some old, smelly ass!" "Fellas, we may be old." "We may be smelly." "We may have a penis." "But the only ones getting their ass kicked around here is gonna be you spoiled, privileged, uppity, preppy D-bags." "You hear that?" "Now, let's get busy!" "(ALL YELLING AGGRESSIVELY)" "* They're dancing on the ceiling" "* They're dancing on the floor" "* People everywhere coming through the door" "* They know there's a party going on *" "MARCUS:" "Come on, son!" "You ain't tough!" "Hit him!" "Yeah, Braden!" "Whoo!" "Yeah!" "Damn!" "You want this?" "Uh-oh!" "Sir, please stop it!" "That's not a sir!" "That's a woman!" "My woman!" "Come on, babe." "* I know you're gonna lose control" "* You can do *" "Oh, you're so hot." "(SCREAMING)" "* I know it's cold outside *" "Don't bust my face!" "You saved me." "(GRUNTING)" "I will protect you for the rest of your life." "Oh, okay, blow dryer boy." "(YELPS)" "Oh, God, no!" "No!" "No!" "Yeah!" "Yeah!" "Having a good anniversary, babe?" "Oh, honey, the best." "(SCREAMING)" "(GROWLING)" "I can't breathe." "Choking me!" "(KYLE GRUNTING AGGRESSIVELY)" "Yeah!" "We did it." "We did it, man." "Yeah." "We make a good team." "Yeah." "Yeah, that was fun." "(YELLING)" "* I know it's cold outside" "* Come on, babe, I'll keep you satisfied *" "Boomer!" "What's going on?" "This!" "You're a traitor, Boomer!" "His name's not Boomer!" "Oh!" "It's Gary." "It's Greg." "Oh, Greg." "Oh, my God!" "Did you see his head?" "He's got a..." "He's bald!" "I got a wild one!" "I got a wild one!" "Whoo hoo hoo!" "Noogie, noogie, noogie." "Nobody noogies my brother!" "My brain!" "My brain!" "B. U.!" "Hey, man!" "I had that one." "I know you did, big brother." "Get out of here!" "Don't hit me!" "Hey, hey, look who showed up." "Flippy-boy." "Yeah, you want to flip your way out of this?" "Too slow, old man." "Where you work out, Cinnabon?" "Look who's back up, baby." "I didn't know we were kicking." "Give me a second to stretch." "All right." "We're gonna throw some legs, huh?" "You want to throw some legs, huh?" "Boom!" "That just happened." "What, were you raised by ninjas?" "Congratulations." "You won the fight." "Here's your prize." "Aw!" "Thanks, little girl." "It looks just like you." "It's a monkey!" "Look at me!" "I'm a stupid little monkey." "Good night." "Come on, guys!" "We got to get out!" "Let's go!" "Lenny!" "Baby." "Baby, are you all right?" "I'm coming for you, Leonard!" "(SCREAMS)" "I'm here for you, Leonard." "I'm here for you." "Who..." "Who are you?" "It's your pretty, shiny Penny." "Oops, sorry, I kicked your barrette." "(LAUGHING)" "Sorry, honey!" "LENNY:" "You guys were Fuji and Tanaka out there." "This is just like high school." "Get drunk, get in a fight, wind up back at Lamonsoff's, eating eggs." "Except for the drunk part, Mommy." "Oh." "(ALL CHUCKLING)" "Oh, all you guys together brings back so many memories." "Whoa, Dickie, is this you and Lenny?" "LENNY:" "Let's see." "Yeah, me and Hollywood were best friends in kindergarten." "Yep." "What happened?" "What do you mean, "What happened?" We were in different classes." "We kind of drifted apart, right?" "Yeah." "He was in those smart classes." "I was in the other classes." "(ALL LAUGH)" "Hey, who's this guy?" "Anybody remember him?" "LENNY:" "Who is that?" "Wow, what happened to that kid?" "He's still here." "Why do I know my new kid's gonna end up looking like that?" "You're having a baby, Lenny?" "Yeah." "Yeah, so I'm told, Mrs. Lamonsoff." "Oh, a surprise, huh?" "Yes." "People today try to plan things out so much." "But don't think an unexpected child is loved any less than one you planned for." "Someday, Lenny, you won't even remember what life was like with just three children." "You think we wanted Eric?" "(COUGHS)" "He was an accident." "Mama." "His father and I were in the men's room at a Patriots game..." "You know what, I think I'm just gonna turn the page here." "I'm turning the page." "Finish the story!" "Officer Dante's passed out on our lawn." "I know." "I saw him trying to arrest an anthill." "(ROXANNE CHUCKLES)" "Want to talk about the whole pregnancy thing?" "Mmm." "It's okay." "We'll talk tomorrow." "Okay." "Okay, you go to sleep." "I'll make this between me and the baby." "(SIGHS)" "Hello in there." "This is your daddy speaking." "I just want to tell you welcome to the family, and I love you very, very, very much." "I really don't care if you're a boy or girl." "I just need you to promise me one thing." "When you're in elementary school, study ballet, so I can see that teacher as much as possible." "Hey." "I knew that was coming." "To be honest, I don't need no stinking ballet teacher." "I'm married to the most beautiful woman in the world, your mommy." "Are you saying sweet things to me because you want to fool around?" "That would be a nice way to kick off the summer." "Okay, Mr. Romantic." "But let's do this quick, we have a big day tomorrow, okay?" "Absolutely." "Watch your head in there." "(CHUCKLES)" "LENNY:" "Whoo!" "(KISSING)" "Hang on." "Hang on." "I'm sorry, honey." "Don't move." "Don't move." "Oh, my God, I'm going to!" "(BURPSNARTS)" "I did it!" "I burpsnarted!" "Yes!" "ROXANNE:" "Lenny, grow up!" "LENNY:" "I did it for the baby!"