"Hello, ceramic angel, didn't I break you and glue you back together without anyone knowing about it?" ""Put a coaster under there." Okay sure." ""Take your shoes off before you come in here please." Okay fine." "WOMAN:" "Sometimes that is what happens, Phil, when you are making a living supporting two" ""Those are the good wine glasses."" "And what the fuck is up with you using my shampoo to jack off in the shower?" "Paul Mitchell's expensive!" "You are a loser, you think I have no sex drive?" "It is not sexy to have some sweaty beast shake on me for three minutes, gyrate and roll over." "I'm not attracted to you." "I have not been attracted to you for a very long time." "(Gasping)" "You know, I waited at the airport two hours for you." "I took the shuttle home." "What are you doing?" "Oh..." "(Gunfire)" "Chuck, I'd recognize that ass limp anywhere." "Sergeant Coughlin." "Good to see you, you look good, how have you been?" "Well, I'm gonna die in six weeks." "Nobody had to ask me to clean out 14 barrels of Sarin gas, did they?" "I've been coughing up purple foam ever since." "You know when you find out you're gonna die, like real soon." "It's a bitch man." "Yeah." "I can only imagine." "Who do you think killed more people over there, seriously, you or me?" "Including friendlies?" "People are people." "Well then, shit, I think it'd have to be you." "(Gunfire)" "Oh my god!" "(Gunfire)" "Remember out there on that battlefield?" "Let's get out of here!" "(Gunfire)" "I saved your ass." "Where's my ass, find my ass!" "He can't find his ass!" "Even if they had to throw it away I still saved it." "Chuck, you're looking at me like a fruit fly staring at a plastic orange." "I thought about a vagina yesterday." "Okay." "And I thought to myself, am I ever gonna break into that sweet sanctuary again with my" "I've missed our conversations." "I gotta go before they find me." "Semper fi, lieutenant!" "(Coughing)" "(Flatulence)" "Damn, I thought maybe it was a dream, but then I wake up." "I'm going to do so many boyfriend things this morning that you're gonna be like," ""That's the best boyfriend I've ever seen."" "Oh, what'd you do?" "Some love juice still left over?" "Uh-oh..." "Shit." "Oh shit." "(Phone ringing)" "Hello?" "Hello?" "Oh, Chuck." "Question:" "Where the fuck are you supposed to be right now?" "Hold on, hold on." "Did I interrupt your morning sit-up routine?" "I'm in the fucking bowels of the VA hospital right now, with no ride." "Listen dude, listen to me!" "Come fucking get me right now." "Dude, look, I got a problem, you gotta help me out, bro." "You're asking me for help?" "Okay, so last night I went to Barney's." "I got drunk, so I went over there, and she's so hot, dude." "And I start whispering in her ear and I was like," ""You're so beautiful." "I can't believe we're together, we're gonna be boyfriend and girlfriend forever,"" "because I just wish that would happen!" "Then she got so drunk, we got high in the bathroom." "So we get back to her place, we went to the bedroom and we fucking had sex!" "I never knew my dick could get as big as it did, but it did man!" "You don't know any women, Yan, so how is this possible?" "Listen, dude, I'm about to cry in two minutes if you don't stop interrupting me." "You gotta stop fucking panicking, and fucking talk to me." "I shit the fucking bed." "I'm sorry?" "I'm gonna have a freak out if you don't help me out." "What do I do?" "You blame her." "You're an idiot, how am I gonna blame her?" "I'm not gonna blame her for-- that's a genius idea!" "That's a genius idea!" ""You shat the bed, you bitch." That's what I would do." "Do I like scoop it back into her ass or something and then just go, "What is this?"" "Okay, is there a pool?" "Yeah, they got a pool." "Get in the pool, rinse off, no evidence." "Oh my God, who are you?" "I'm not a judger, I'll tell you that much." "I'm not judging you." "What is that?" "That's... from you." "Oh my god, that is so disgusting." "You shit." "If you look in your crack, you'll see that it did come from you." "It's okay, a lot of people do it." "I've heard so many stories of this stuff, and you know what?" "The couples get married over it." "Oh my god." "It makes us closer because I forgive you so fast." "What?" "Get the fuck out!" "All I want to do is get this off of me right now!" "You want me to help you do that, because I" "No!" "I used to work in a veterinarian's office." "Get out!" "Okay." "Unbelievable Phil." "I see you bought some condoms." "That was optimistic, considering we're getting a divorce." "I'm getting a divorce." "When my disability cheque comes, man, we're gonna get a huge fucking plasma for that wall." "Take that Lamborghini poster down." "What?" "Watch porn, play Halo, eat fucking Crunch and Munch all day." "The Lamborghini stays." "Chuck?" "Phil." "Oh my God." "What the fuck?" "He got his ass cheek blown off." "You only need one, that's what they told me, you only need one." "I don't sit the same, I..." "lean." "Dude, what are you doing here?" "Uh, remember Jen?" "Ahhh." "Want to talk about it?" "Everyone thinks that you are a goddamn loser and they are right." "No." "Want to smoke some weed, play some video games, and play basketball?" "Yeah." "Take his shit, get it upstairs, be a host." "Please." "Oh man, it's been a while." "Dude, get over here." "It's good to see you." "It's like fifth grade all over again." "Yanni knows about a party." "Yanni knows about a party?" "Tee him up, come on Phil." "What you got?" "Nice." "Fade away!" "Lebron James." "Coming through." "Hit him up." "Government property!" "Government property!" "Look out!" "Not exactly legal." "Son of a bitch." "Oh, what the" "It's time." "Let's hurry it up, man, are you buying drugs?" "MAN:" "You want to get the ladies over here?" "Hey, guys, get over here." "Ah, great, what are we doing here, Yan?" "I don't know." "What you got in the box, wackadoo?" "What I got here is something that you're begging for." "What every guy wants." "Oh God." "What the fuck is that?" "Behold... the Pussy Shirt, sewn from the jizz mop of Mallanaga Vatsyayana, writer of the Kama Sutra, the world's first sex manual." "You see, the writing of this guide was a long period of trial and error." "In the end, the man devoted over 10 years to nothing but achieving orgasms of the highest quality." "Word of his corn-holing skills spread as fast as the legs of the women who would come for days on end." "The sacred come sop absorbed the powers from the master's nut sack." "And they live on today..." "in this shirt." "But be warned, you cannot possibly understand the toll this gift exacts-- on the body, yes, but more gravely on the mind." "On the soul." "(Roaring)" "And so, I'm taking a vacation from the Pussy Shirt." "I'm giving it to you, 'cause you're pretty dumb, but you seem like a nice guy." "Thanks." "Before I just hand this over to you numb nuts, there are rules." "Tomorrow morning at 9:00 a.m., meet me back here." "Laugh all you want," "I know you don't believe it." "Neither did I." "Tonight one of you needs to wear this shirt out." "Wear it in the radius of any female." "Okay?" "All right." "What, what did I just say?" "I don't know." "All right, I'll see you tomorrow." "Remember: this is just a loaner." "All right, let's get out of here, we can sell the briefcase for like 10 bucks." "Keep my cassettes in there." "Yeah, let's do this." "Let's do what?" "I've enjoyed it." "Okay, so if I make it then I, I don't wear it." "Right, the guy that misses has to wear it." "Yeah." "Oh man." "Oh, there you go." "Make it." "Make it." "Look, we're all fucking white, we're hungry, you're wearing the shirt." "Why?" "'Cause we're gonna be out here all day and we suck!" "Yeah, it's you." "All right, I'll wear it." "VIDEO:" "Yeah, fuck that hole." "(Sexual moaning)" "Ah, God." "He keeps saying he's "in between jobs."" "But it's like, you know, I know where the last one went, but where's the other one?" "She's just gonna hold all that in her mouth like that?" "Well, the first one she swallowed but he yelled at her." "Yeah." "You need, you need two to be "in between."" "I bet somebody used to care about this girl, then she turned 15, went to a couple football games, and under the bleachers she went." "Do you remember that time you told me that Phil wanted to toe fuck you?" "How come both those girls are the same colour, but their vaginas are different?" "I mean, seriously, if he wanted to use something bigger than his cock, why didn't he choose his thumb?" "What does a brown vagina mean?" "That's not her vagina." "I mean, seriously, you were just like his masturbation tool or something." "It's amazing how you get used to those things." "Oh, you're gonna be doing that, jack hammer." "No, I hope not." "I want to find a nice girl." "Let's go out tonight, find you a fucking real man." "You know, I'm just drunk enough to want to get a little sentimental for a moment here." "Oh Christ." "I'm glad to know you guys." "Thanks for letting us stay here Yan." "Cheers." "We're gonna bring it back, we're gonna bring it back." "Welcome back, fellas." "Welcome back." "Now that's a reason right there to keep a day bed." "Yanni, it's a party, come on." "You look amazing." "All right here we go." "It's all attitude." "Look at me, I'm up front here." "You're beautiful." "YANNI:" "Why was I thinking I could wear this shirt?" "Who am I to think this?" "'Cause you missed your fall shot." "Hey everybody." "Party's here." "What's happening?" "I've killed people." "Really?" "How?" "I shot a guy, and I ran a guy over with a Humvee." "Excuse us." "You don't talk to girls very much, do you?" "That's not funny." "No." "I really haven't been out of my house in ten years." "My fantasy baseball team is kicking ass." "It's been a long time since I've... been this close to a woman." "What do you do?" "I'm a schoolteacher." "What do you do?" "I don't do anything either." "Oh." "You smell good." "What is wrong with you?" "You want to get out of here." "Um, excuse me." "Are we ready?" "Let's go." "PHIL:" "Do you like spinach?" "I have great phyllo dough recipes." "No, I think I like this guy, he's killed people." "Do you like John Jackson?" "WOMAN:" "Jack Johnson?" "Yeah, I do like him." "You have a cool look, you know?" "This whole" "Are you staring at my boobs?" "No!" "I was looking at that little Staff of Ra thing." "You think Yoda looks fake in the new ones?" "Oh my God." "No, no, it's okay." "It's okay." "It's not weird." "You gotta feel this." "What?" "He doesn't have an ass." "No, I do, I do." "I do." "Oh my God." "What is that, you gotta touch that." "No, I just, I just got hit when I was overseas, it's not a big deal." "Eww." "No, it's not "eww", it's just a scar." "It's cool, it's a scar!" "I was born with my guts on the outside of my body," "I mean, we all have things..." "I'm done." "I'm done." "You know, you really only need one of everything." "You don't have to leave, you can stay." "We can have a nice night!" "Okay?" "It's fucking cock-toberfest." "It's like a goddamn sword fight, and I want to leave." "Where's Yanni?" "Let's find him, let's go." "(Girls moaning)" "Holy shit." "Okay, this is a weird thing." "I think I have a half-a-boner for you ladies." "Just enjoy this Yanni." "Enjoy this." "That's an interesting place to touch me." "Never really had anyone touch me there." "Oh." "Ladies, please don't eat me." "Ow." "Could you get your finger out of my ass, please!" "Okay, Chuck!" "I need help out here!" "I'd like to wear the shirt now." "Did you feel anything different?" "No, I didn't feel different." "Now, you didn't know them." "I've never met them." "Were you in a trance?" "I felt everything the same." "You didn't Heisenberg it in some way?" "No, I didn't Heisenberg it." "I don't even know what that means, and I wasn't doing that." "Did you lose consciousness?" "No." "Did time stop?" "No!" "Everything was the same, it was Yanni and the shirt!" "That's all it was!" "And they just flocked to me." "Like every girl at the party was fucking talking to me!" "I think we pissed on a bees nest." "Yeah." "Hey, yo, cornball." "Oh boy, now we're just getting "yippida."" "Don't talk to him that way." "I have questions for you." "Okay?" "I need questions answered." "Yo, motherfucker." "We're gonna do some..." "Not you cornball." "The other fucking cornball." "Okay." "You shut the fuck up." "Fair enough." "I'm sorry about that, sirs." "Chubby, how the fuck you get all them bitches?" "I talked to them and asked them about their feelings and stuff." "Hey listen, I don't want to hold your day up," "I got a lot of bitches out here running up." "Let me know how the fuck you got them bitches." "All right, Busta," "I think going forward we need indoor voices on this." "This is gonna get out." "But Chuck's in the car with the shirt." "How long's he been in there?" "Ten minutes." "Chuck, hey look, fuck Chuck." "When you get them bitches on line, you know what you done?" "Give me a call, I'm Pirate." "We gotta go." "We gotta go." "Of course I will." "Crenshaw baby!" "We're bouncing, we're gonna just bounce." "All right, bye chubby pimp." "Get rid of him, he has no bitches." "Is he breathing?" "Sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry." "I can't do this." "I'm having a flashback!" "Phil!" "You okay in there dude?" "No!" "I'm having a fucking flashback!" "Oh shit!" "Take it off." "I don't want it!" "Get it off!" "Phil get in the car now!" "No!" "I don't want it!" "Start the engine, start the engine!" "Hey, I want to have your baby!" "Chop their fingers off in the door!" "Who gives a shit!" "Oh fuck, fuck me." "Okay, fuck." "What, which key is it?" "!" "Fuck!" "Oh yeah." "Let's go!" "Go." "Go." "Go." "Go!" "Go!" "We have a magic Pussy Shirt!" "Holy." "(Flatulence)" "Yo, wake up, come on." "Come on." "Wake up." "What, why?" "We got important stuff to talk about." "We're gonna go see the Shirt Guy." "No fucking Shirt Guy." "I'm fucking hung over." "I think that we have to get organized, so I created a schedule for us with the shirt." "It gives us, see?" "A blocked out time span, see right here, C for Chuck, P for Phil," "B for Bitch, for you." "This is Monday through Sunday, we'll go through, each get ourselves some time slots." "I've done a little scheduling myself, based on what I think is intelligent." "(Flatulence)" "Don't do that on my bed please." "(Flatulence)" "I have the first two days." "This is not negotiable." "I'm gonna test this out." "I've given you a half a day on Wednesday." "YANNI:" "I get a half a day?" "That's it out of the whole week?" "No one fucks on Wednesday!" "Is this all you?" "Is this your schedule?" "CHUCK:" "I think I can have sex eight or nine times a day." "How many times do you think you can have sex, honestly, before you die?" "I'd like to put that to the test." "Will you be quiet!" "What's oh-one-hundred to twenty-four-hundred?" "It's army time." "Yan, it's army time." "I don't know how to read army time." "Fine, look" "Can't you put English time?" "You have placebo test on there?" "Yes." "I want to make sure the shirt works." "So for Monday and Tuesday, for" "The shirt works." "The shirt works." "It works." "You saw the same shit I saw last night." "You know what you saw." "Know what I saw?" "I saw a goddamn American hero pull some pussy like he should." "That's all anybody saw." "American hero with one of his ass cheeks blown off." "I didn't actually hear what you said 'cause I was just thinking about jujitsu." "You drinking out of my cup?" "Yeah." "Why?" "Why the fuck do you put your name on every single cup around here like they're" "Because you keep drinking out of them." "You're not following my system." "No, I'm gonna drink out of every single cup that you put "Phil" on, because I don't want you to think that you can put your name on every cup like we're all five and we're at camp." "What I've tried to do here is create a system, a human system, so we can wake up, know who has the shirt and function like people." "But if you want to wake up like a bunch of gorillas and fight fucking silverback style over this thing, then that's what we'll do and I'll have the shirt all the time, and you guys will be injured all the fucking time." "If-- and I mean if-- this propylene jizz mop turns out to be this like mystical thing from the ages" "Uh huh." "Then what?" "Put me down for two hours, at least." "Fine." "I'll give a two hour block, that's the first smart thing you've said and done since you said "I do."" "Okay, now, I'm going to sell that to you, 'cause I don't want it." "So I'll take 20 dollars for" "Come on." "It's ridiculous!" "The schedule's ridiculous, Chuck!" "We have three grown men, living in a four foot by four foot shoe box!" "I'm not gonna be sitting here with two Filipino girls blowing me while you're cooking something and you're crying!" "You might want lobby for every other Friday." "You know, don't let him take advantage." "I'm gonna take a dump, when I come out, we'll go." "I haven't been using the bathroom," "I've been peeing in all the cups that say Phil!" "So now you know the Pussy Shirt works." "Yeah." "We saw something, we saw something." "And you've been already turning on each other, staying up late at night?" "Yeah." "No, we haven't." "Fighting over scheduling?" "Oh yeah." "No." "This is your new religion now." "You want to make the Pussy Shirt something that you're gonna devote your entire lives to." "Well, listen up gentlemen, because I'm gonna give you the rules for survival!" "One: do not machine wash." "Number two: do not hand wash." "Matter of fact, don't even get it fucking wet, okay?" "So far it's been working and we don't want to fuck with that." "It could be a superstition, but who cares." "Let's not" "The shirt has a known radius of up to 100 meters." "What this means-- now listen up-- is that you are guaranteed sex with any and all women in the perimeter." "And of course, it won't work if you find the one time true love for you, but that's a 1 in 6 billion chance, so don't stress over that." "Oh, and last thing, gentlemen, very important, discontinue use if one or more of the following occurs..." "One: global thermonuclear war." "Two..." "Okay, pretty much, it's global thermonuclear war." "If that occurs, immediately discontinue use, okay?" "PHIL:" "Jen, I know I've been unavailable, there's just so much I know you want to say." "The fact is these last several months have left me feeling worthless." "I don't know how to make you happy." "But I want nothing more." "Nothing more in this world, Jen." "How did this relationship jackknife?" "We were trucking along and now we're just sitting by the side of the road waiting for the tow truck." "I want to be that tow truck." "Let me tow you away Jen." "Let me tow us away." "Jen, I'm unavailable, and there's only so much I can take." "I mean, I now know that..." "I never want to hear the things that you need to tell me." "Fuck." "I practiced this." "Can I get through it please?" "I want nothing from you." "I want nothing more for you than" "I want you more than nothing." "I don't want anything from you and I know that you can never be happy." "I can never be happy?" "I did not say that." "Phil, you just said that." "No, wait, you" "I'm the reason that you are psychotic." "Fuck." "I'm" " I'm gonna, I'm seeing a guy." "He's a psych major guy, psychiatrist." "I'm not gay." "I didn't go gay or anything, but he's good." "He's teaching me to swear less, he fucking knows his shit." "I'm shaving." "I'm totally off distilled spirits... for the most part." "And..." "I'm learning guitar." "'Cause I want to play you a love song." "These are for you." "These?" "What happened to your wedding ring?" "Someone sucked it off." "Let's make this quick." "Chuck." "Hey, it's Yanni," "I need that item this afternoon, so give it to me, all right?" "Yan, the people who discovered the fucking fountain of youth, tested it." "You think they just it for granted?" "What if it's a placebo effect?" "We've been talking about this for a long time." "Maybe you should have told me earlier, you didn't know what the fucking word meant." "We are friends Yanni." "I am just smarter than you." "That's one of the many dynamics of our relationship." "YANNI:" "No, you're an idiot." "Sorry." "I'm a little aggressive right now, 'cause I've been in Iraq." "Been in Iraq for the last fourteen months, fighting people who have been trained to look like sand." "Just give me the item this afternoon, all right?" "You can have it tonight." "I promise, I promise to give it back." "All right?" "All right." "Want to play some football?" "¶" "Oh..." "It's nice to finally run into another really good looking person." "My name's Chuck, U.S. Marine Corps." "Semper fi." "How you doing?" "Yeah, um, do you think that you could maybe move your chair over a little bit?" "You're kind of, like, in my space." "Wish I could, but I was over in Iraq for a while, whole tour fighting bad guys, defending freedoms and that kind of stuff." "But a lot of loud noises." "So in order for me to get to know you, which I do," "I gotta sit close." "It's a proximity-- we call it in the Marines." "Yeah, I don't really feel like talking, do you think that you could scoot your chair over a little bit, please?" "But if you could have anyone over for dinner, dead or alive, who would you pick?" "Do you speak English?" "I said I don't want to talk to you and you're too close to my chair." "What do you know about chicks?" "All you gotta know about a girl is pussy and titties, that's it." "Everything else comes natural." "You ever touch a guy's dick before?" "Never touched a guy's dick before." "Good man." "Don't do that." "Don't touch guys' dicks." "You gotta learn that." "Just tighten your ass, practice that every night." "Tighten your ass 15 times." "Get the cheeks real hard." "Try to stick a pencil up there, hope it doesn't get in." "Are you a virgin?" "I'm not." "I've done it before." "I don't want to talk to you." "Get it?" "So mom says you're fucking up." "Yeah, I don't know, she's tripping about me smoking weed and shit." "That's bad for you, dude." "Don't do drugs." "I know they open your mind, and make you think freely and even make you smarter." "Make you do some amazing shit, when you're on drugs." "But don't do them, all right?" "Dude, I've had my best moments on drugs." "When you eat a blow pop, do you lick it until you get to the gum, or do you bite it, 'cause I'll just lick it four or five times and just bite the hell out of it." "Stop talking to me." "Okay?" "Okay?" "Great." "Understood." "¶" "Oh boy." "Holy shit it works." "It's nice to ram into another really good looking person." "Hey, got a smoke?" "Just kidding." "I thought we had 10 minutes." "You need to give Dallen with Hasselhoff and Associates a call." "He's an attorney and he's going to be handling our divorce." "You're doing a flop and slide?" "You're doing an attorney card" "That's a real attorney card." "You're actually putting it on the thing and going like that with it?" "Like I'm a fucking croupier?" "Hit me." "Hit me, divorce." "In light of the fact that we don't have a whole lot of assets and we don't have any children, and we don't have any pets, it would be easiest if we split everything down the middle." "And this is why you invited me out here, huh?" "Well, should we split the fucking flower down the middle too while we're at it?" "Or you want to make it so I don't exist at all?" "I think it's best if we communicate through him." "Yeah, I'm sure David Asshole-hoff knows best, doesn't he?" "Yeah." "You afraid I'm gonna embarrass you?" "(Monkey noises)" "Phil, stop." "Call Dallen." "Take care of yourself Phil." "Yeah, good to see you." "Oh, excuse me, hi, you're the T.A. from our bio class." "You graded our group project, you gave me an F on that project, and the thing is, that's completely unfair." "I had to go to my uncle's funeral in Lake Havasu." "And then when I drove back it was raining." "I think we're done here, okay." "No, I don't think we are." "Yes, I think we are." "Okay?" "Please?" "No." "Oh hey." "Hi." "Uh, I just fell out of a tree." "That hurts." "You know, this is a table..." "People probably eat off this thing." "Your nails are digging into me." "Uh, that's my pants." "Oh, God." "It looks like a normal shirt, right?" "Well... yeah, but look at this." "Oh God, Jesus..." "look at that." "How many important people of the world's fast swimmers are on this thing?" "I'm gonna hurl." "I'm gonna try to get the left side of the shirt more," "I think, make my mark on" "Don't tell me that." "I don't want to know about that." "That looks like afterbirth." "Wash it." "We can't wash this." "This thing's like a history of the world, man." "The villages were pillaged over this." "Queens romanced, stolen, wars fought and won." "What do you think about that little one there on the left?" "I mean, that's like Napoleon or something?" "Yeah." "If this shirt could talk." "It would say, "Eww..."" "The building's quiet tonight now that you've fucked everybody into an orgasm induced coma." "I think I've had sex with every woman in this complex." "I'm having so much sex my body is breaking down." "I need electrolytes." "I'm gonna learn both your names." "I swear to god, just not right now." "Hallelujah." "Praise Jesus, Moses, Buddha..." "Happy Kwanza." "I'm walking around like Bill Walton." "Man, my knees aren't working, my hips aren't functioning." "I'm placing bets on which one of y'all's cock is gonna fall off first." "It's gonna be me." "Man, it's gonna be mine, it's an easy bet." "That guy's got a 12 hour rest with whale songs on between every interlude with the shirt." "I'm running straight on Red Bull and Snickers bars." "It's 'cause the only exercise he's had in the last 12 years is doing crunches from trying to blow himself." "This could be your life man, borrow the shirt, use it." "Go out in the world." "You know, find a cheerleading practice and bang them all." "You know what?" "I think I'm gonna take you up on that shirt after all." "You should." "You should use the shirt, you should get on with it, you should get in the game." "You should get yourself back in the action." "I'm telling you." "I could schedule you in." "I could give you Thursdays between 6 and 6:35 p.m." "I'm gonna use it to get Jen back." "No, you should use it to fuck a hundred girls named Jen." "I'm gonna use it to get my wife back." "You should use it to get a bunch of other people's wives back... to your apartment and bend them over the desk and put your fist in their butt." "Hello there, sweet potato pie, you look beautiful today." "Welcome and your name?" "Michelle." "Michelle." "There you go sweetie, you know what we're gonna do today, we're gonna empower some women!" "And we are gonna make swatches!" "Hi Miss, how are you sweetie?" "I've known you since you were knee high to a grasshopper." "That's the boss's daughter, so be careful what you say around that girl." "She's a swatch princess is what she is." "There you go." "And your name is?" "Jessica." "There you go Jessica." "Oh." "Who are we?" "What is our company name?" "ALL:" "Dynamic Swatches." "Dynamic Swatches!" "Speaking of prostates, my dad, he's gonna give me a promotion." "Get the fuck out of here." "Pardon me." "Really." "Phil." "Dickerman." "Phil!" "How you doing?" "Everybody's favourite 42 long here, and this is Pederast." "Pendergrass." "Uh huh." "Great." "It's been awesome, but we'll chat later." "Wait, listen, what are you doing?" "I'm just dropping off a gift for my wife." "Okay, word association." "Pterodactyl." "Basil." "Quick." "Missy." "Swatches." "Buy her the knee pads now." "Those acid burns on your shirt there?" "Or, uh, did your boyfriend come on your chest again?" "(Laughing)" "Wonderful, thanks." "I'll drop one on your chin on the way out." "Hold on a sec, I heard you guys are on the rocks." "Is everything okay?" "You know, you got the Oxford accent, and the highfalutin vocabulary and whatnot, but you still have a haircut like the guy on the Pringles package." "Anyway, it's been real, see you guys at the next punch fest." "Wait, Phil, no," "I think she's in the meeting across the way actually." "Oh..." "Well, it's nice to see you guys," "I gotta run, take care of that 42 long." "Yeah, you have a good day." "Hope you don't die, shithead." "And what does that make us?" "Together?" "Problem solvers." "Aren't you Pendergrass's daughter?" "Yes." "What are you doing here?" "Oh, that's right, it's "Take Your Daughters to Work" day." "I forgot about that." "So you learning anything?" "You are so cute." "You are so cute." "Oh." "I think you got the wrong idea." "No, no." "I think you should get back over there." "No, you really-- seriously-- No. no." "It's love." "Hey!" "Sir, I can explain." "You want some of me?" "You want to play around playboy?" "No thanks." "Sir, I have anterior patellofemoral-- ow!" "I love you." "She's only 15!" "Watch it, he's going to rip your colostomy bag." "Oh, we're on the road" "Don't hurt my boyfriend." "Okay, thanks for everything, bye now." "Daddy no." "This is just a phase you're going through." "Shut up." "She's a trooper." "Maybe not say anything." "Okay." "What are you looking at?" "Oh." "My." "God." "No." "Corporate girls gone wild." "I didn't want those." "It looks like more of an-- out of control" "That's the exit." "PHIL:" "Funny story:" "this happened already!" "No!" "I saw that already." "I saw yours too!" "Hmm..." "Whoa." "No, no, no, Jen!" "No, Jen, it's not what it looks like." "(Women moaning)" "Yeah, right there." "Where have you been, you're late." "Oh, I fucked up, I took it to the office, they were all over me." "She saw things today I don't wish on anybody, let alone my estranged wife." "Okay, I'm further from the goal now." "Do you have a time piece, Phil, like a watch or a cell phone, or a fucking sun dial that could alert you as to when you're supposed to be back with the goddamn shirt?" "Maybe if I skulk behind a lolly column in a parking garage and then just pop out wearing the shirt." "Is that the kind of thing you do?" "If I show you the schedule one more time, will you be honest with me and tell me if there's something confusing about this schedule" "Would you just help me please?" "That can't get you here when you're supposed to be here?" "Because if there is something that's confusing about this, now is really, really, really, really, really the time to tell me." "Lift." "The shirt's dangerous Chuck." "This is dangerous, Phil." "This could kill a man." "Put that away." "I'm gonna show you how to use this fucking shirt." "¶" ""They till the fields, but who will till them?"" "(Sexual moaning)" "¶ Jen, Jen, Jen ¶" "¶ Where have you been?" "¶" "¶ Jen, Jen, Jen ¶" "¶ Where have I seen you before?" "¶" "¶ Making sure ¶" "¶ That the wine doesn't spill on the floor ¶" "Jen." "What do you do all day?" "I mean" "I'm working on my website." "Yeah, you're website, your big website, Phil." "Yeah, how's that going huh?" "JavaScript" "You don't even try." "is glitchy!" "It's gl" " God." "Ah, I mean, she holds against me the fact that she works, she makes the money, she does the cooking, she does the cleaning, she buys the clothes, she decorates the place, she does all the organizing of the bills." "Is there some way that she can come to understand that it's her attitude about me that's pulling us apart?" "You seem to be doing a lot of nodding." "(Knocking)" "Mom." "We came as soon as we could." "I'm sorry sweetheart." "Hey sweetie." "Oh man, this has got to be tough." "The whole point of being here is to learn and grow and figure out where Jen's going wrong." "Listen, Jenny, this divorce thing, that's why we're here." "But, Phil's just a hell of a nice guy." "I mean, it's the first guy who's articulate, nice." "He treats you like a queen." "She undermines my hardships." "Phil, why do you have to walk ten feet ahead of me?" "This is my natural stride Jen." "I have anterior patellofemoral syndrome." "It's very difficult to alter your stride beyond the natural." "She rebuffs my romantic gestures." "Should we fuck?" "Phil, no!" "Goddamn it." "And she overstates my bitterness." "I admit when I'm wrong, and I move on very quickly." "That's why I'm always right." "Sounds to me Phil, like your problems began when this Janet person allowed you to face the consequences of your behaviour." "I mean, I'm willing," "I'm open to changing her in any way that needs changing." "I'm an open book here." "So if you've got ideas I-- I would love to hear them." "Honey, just give him a call right now." "I mean, can't you guys even fake it?" "Besides..." "I want to go fishing with him again." "Takes a little while." "Can you pull my hair?" "Oh yeah." "Like that?" "Oh." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Yeah." "(Moaning)" "She likes her hair pulled." "(Moaning)" "Where'd you two crazy kids meet?" "We met at her wedding." "Now we're going on her honeymoon, to Aruba." "Preston, hi." "I just wanted to let you know" "I happened to pass by your wife walking the dog earlier, and, uh, she decided to blow me." "That turns me on, bark." "Bitch." "Bark." "(Barking)" "MAN:" "What the hell's going on over there?" "(Whimpering)" "Aw." "Puppy." "¶ So I had to fuck Jessica Simpson ¶" "¶ In the kitchen while she was fixin' some chicken ¶" "¶ I ain't mad at Jennifer Aniston ¶" "¶ Took it in the ass at the Hotel Radisson ¶" "¶ And what about the Olsens?" "¶" "¶ At the Golden Globes, holdin' my scrotum ¶" "¶ Hey Angelina Jolie ¶" "¶ Why don't you put them lips on my Roman cannoli?" "¶" "I'm gonna bang every starlet in Hollywood." "All you gotta do is lean back." "Just lean back?" "Calm down, listen to me." "Right now just lean back like this, look, look." "Oh, Kristy Swanson." "The Vampire Slayer's gonna slay me tonight." "I want to go with you right now." "I want you to go with me right now." "I can let you in." "Okay, let's just get out of here." "I've had more sex lately than, I can't even stand." "Well, I wish I had known that," "I have white on, this, no wonder I ain't getting no action." "How much you gonna sell that shirt for?" "Bang, bang, bang." "I love it, I think Billy Jack was wearing it." "I took one in the butt, came back here and now, I'm half the man without the shirt on." "When you say one in the butt, is that a bullet or a penis?" "I need you right now." "Yeah." "Come on." "Come on, come on." "Yeah, if there's ladies from the film that you know from experience are looking for a good time?" "Who are loose?" "I just want to score, like sexually." "Rosario Dawson." "Who I think the chances with are limited." "She's got a man." "Ooh." "Can you come in?" "I'm just-- we're running really late." "I mean, can you just jump, jump over the carpet?" "Where have you been all my life?" "Oh my God." "Yan, Yan." "What?" "Take the shirt off." "No, look at her, look at the face, she's totally into you." "No, man, it's not the shirt anymore man, it's you." "YANNI:" "Yeah, right." "I'm your friend, man." "Right, right." "Beat it." "You don't need that shirt." "I don't?" "Take that fucking shirt off, let's go!" "Oh." "Yes." "Get off of me you fat fuck!" "Eenie meenie, miney moe, which of you is going to blow?" "You." "Excuse us." "I'll be right with you." "Hi." "Oh god." "Um." "So, uh, do you normally have parties like, like this?" "Yeah, we have them all the time." "Did you know that dolphins are the only animals, uh, except for humans, that have sex just for pleasure?" "Do you watch PBS?" "Yeah." "Pretty interesting." "I had a turtle named Mr. Interesting." "Oh yeah?" "Yeah." "I had pet turtle when I was a kid." "Oh yeah?" "Yeah, it died because I fed it spicy cheese." "Uh, you know, I don't often, um," "I don't often go out to parties-- to parties of this, um" "Me too." "I don't like partying too much." "You know, just drinking and just, just" "So bored by the end of the night." "You don't really make any real connections with people." "Yeah." "You know." "I'm sorry." "I think" "I think we're gonna be a little bit longer than I thought we were gonna be, and I got another person coming by at 4:15, so, I'm not gonna have time and I don't want to feel pressure." "So I'm just gonna have to try and track you down again some time." "No, no, no." "What are you doing?" "I got another person coming at 4:15 and this is gonna take a while." "Excuse us." "Can you just leave her here?" "No, I can't because another person's gonna show up," "I don't have this kind of time." "I don't..." "I'm gonna feel pressure." "I don't believe you." "You get the shirt in four hours." "When I have my penis in someone, you do not talk, you do not try to make friends, you do not pull any of your shit, or you will no longer have the shirt ever again," "you will be forced to fuck 3s and 4s like you're used to." "No girl under the weight of 350 pounds will ever, ever see your penis." "I'm telling you man, I thought for a long time, in order for me to have a sex life I have now," "I was gonna have to drive a Ferrari and be the CEO of some company or something stupid like that." "(Phone ringing)" "Hello?" "Um, oh hi." "Yeah." "I don't know if we can get together again." "Have you been doing your kegels, like I said?" "You have." "How many minutes a day you been doing them?" "Well, you're a real go-getter baby." "That's twice as long as I told you." "All right do this for me." "Come over with a recent picture of your mother and $500 cash." "We'll get together, we'll have some fun." "Okay." "Bye." "Oh." "These women man, it's constant nagging, nagging, nagging." "Hello." "How you doing Chucky poo?" "It's Scorpion." "Who?" "It's your old buddy Coughlin." "Oh, it's a war buddy of mine." "Hey pal, how you doing?" "Well I got this new pimply-faced therapist who says that I ought to express myself through my art and I did, and it's fucking beautiful man." "It's fucking green, red and white and pink man." "How's the world treating you, Chuck?" "The world's my oyster." "That's what the world is to me right now." "You don't say." "I stumbled upon something man." "It's like the Kama Sutra but you fucking wear it." "Ain't that a goddamn thing." "No, no, no." "No." "Excuse me, hold on a second." "Listen to me, this is a guy who saved my life in the war." "He knows thing and has done things you can't possibly fathom." "So if you wanna back off a second and take your little divorced ass over there for a time out." "Fine, good." "Hello, yeah." "You're not shitting me, are you?" "No, we're gonna get together, it's gonna be great." "I'm gonna pick you up, we're gonna go out." "I'm gonna show you a good time, I owe you." "No." "No." "No." "Yeah, I'll-- I'll talk to you soon." "Are you out of your mind?" "A war buddy?" "You can't just take the shirt around... to bang hookers!" "I am a little bit out of my mind, 'cause I spent a little bit of time in the sun and the heat and the sand." "And all you're not gonna do is get confrontational and loud with someone who's been trained how to kill people." "Because where we are right now, is a couple kids who used to hang out in a tree house together and joke around and play around and maybe squirt each other with squirt guns." "Got it." "But the second you cross this line and you raise your voice to me like you did, which was absolutely out of line." "Yeah." "I know." "We become enemies." "So maybe tonight you want to change your mind, you want to rent a movie." "I did want to see Sliding Doors." "So rent that piece of crap and do that, because the men are gonna go out and have a good time." "The boys can do whatever they want." "Yeah." "Sounds good." "Unbelievable man." "We hit the jackpot." "With the shirt, I am fucking Casanova." "Without the shirt, it's like the freaking Middle East crisis in there." "Get off me!" "Get" "Remember something, I gave you a piece of ass, and you gave me a piece of ass." "¶ That white girl ¶" "¶ We gettin' high, doin' line of the white ¶" "¶ My head spinnin' round and round, and high as a kite ¶" "¶ We hit a party ¶" "¶ The girls, they be actin' nuts ¶" "¶ They doin' rails off of rails ¶" "¶ Till we gas 'em up ¶" "Fuck me." "Who wants to meet Jim Morrison?" "Look at this shit!" "Where's Coughlin?" "No, no, no, not out the window!" "Coughlin!" "Coughlin!" "I needed that shirt!" "¶" "¶ One look was all it took ¶" "¶ And everything was said, my darling ¶" "¶ One look was all it took ¶" "¶ And you were in my head, my darling ¶" "¶ I stood like an open book ¶" "¶ Waiting to be read, my darling ¶" "¶ One look was all it took ¶" "¶ And you were in my head, my darling ¶" "¶ It's something so surreal ¶" "¶ The stupid way you make me feel ¶" "¶ When everything is said and done ¶" "¶ Somehow you are still the one ¶" "¶ Don't make me wait so long ¶" "¶ To hesitate would be wrong ¶" "¶ Don't make me wait here so long ¶" "I did everything I could." "You know what I mean?" "It's been kind of a long week." "You seemed a little..." "something." "What are you trying to say?" "Listen to me, you're panicking and you're freaking out." "It's not helping me." "Are you riding the white horse right now, cowboy?" "Yes, I am bare backing the white horse right now and it's been a long week!" "I've seen all your movies." "PHIL:" "Don't freak out." "CHUCK:" "I'm freaking out!" "We gotta get the shirt back." "We'll do it." "Just relax." "Just relax." "I can't relax," "I'm on $30,000 of another woman's cocaine!" "Glad to know that." "Oh yeah." "Come on." "You can do more than that." "You can use my energy for the best of the group right now, or you can wait till I crash down off this high and it's gonna be two weeks of recovery for me." "It's gonna be Sarah McLaughlin and tears for week." "So we gotta go in the dead of night, we take the shirt back." "Then we go out." "And we do everything we were doing with it before!" "(Moaning)" "¶" "PHIL:" "He could be in Thailand by now." "It's-- it's around here somewhere." "Who needs the Pussy Shirt in Thailand?" "That's like the one place on earth..." "CHUCK:" "It's that one." "It's that one." "Look at this place." "YANNI:" "Aw, this place is creepy." "Don't wake him up." "If he wakes up, I'm gonna strangle him back to sleep." "Watch out." "Okay, I got it, I got it." "Let's go." "They have to go wherever I go." "Oh." "Honey." "You see how aggressive they get?" "We're gonna go and do some naughties." "See, aren't you glad we got out here?" "Look at this, God Bless America, Chuck." "Where's the shirt when you need it?" "CHUCK:" "Yanni's got it." "WOMAN:" "Fuck it!" "Give it to me, you little pussy bitch!" "I'm getting it at 5:00, remember?" "I get the shirt at 11:00, so you don't got a lot of time." "I don't need a lot of time." "I only need ten minutes." "I heard that about you." "Jen, I know that you're gonna try to delete this message without even listening to it, okay." "But I need you to listen to it." "I can explain what happened." "Look, I know it looked like I was getting a humdinger from your co-worker, while the other one was doing the reach around thing with the dry hump." "It's-- the point is," "I embarrassed and humiliated and shamed you at your workplace," "I know that, but it was not my intention Jen." "It was the shirt, I was trying to use it on you." "I can't" " I really want you to call me..." "And hear me..." "And know that I'm sorry..." "It's Phil." "¶" "Hi!" "It's so good to see you." "Oh, you too." "I like the condo." "Thank you." "(Barking)" "Okay." "Let's go." "Yeah, fool, I just made it out here, man." "I'm over here at Ashley's house about to drop off two pounds of that bud." "Nigga, I counted it myself." "Hey, what up?" "What's going on, girl?" "Thanks for coming." "Man, finally made it." "I gotta go get my clothes out of the dryer, but I'll be right back." "Hey, for sure, for sure." "I'll make me a drink or something." "All right, go ahead, help yourself." "All right." "Oh." "Wow." "Holy crap." "Damn, why you seem so uptight?" "Do I seem uptight?" "I was just looking at your scars." "You're not going anywhere." "That's a bullet shot." "That's a bullet shot." "It missed my heart, two inches to the right." "Oh my God." "Hey, I got some weed, man, you smoke?" "No." "I mean, in college," "I smoked in college, but not now." "Oh, well, you need to smoke now." "I'm okay." "No means no!" "Oh, so sexy." "Tell Ashley, I gotta hit the hood." "Everything's gonna work out." "Thanks." "You're going to very much regret this insanely sexy bondage thing that you're doing." "Ahhh." "Oh." "No!" "it's wrong!" "It's a magical shirt!" "It's the shirt, it's the shirt." "See?" "Out the door." "Ew, I did not just do this to Jen." "Ew." "Ew." "I touched Phil cock!" "Fuck!" "Is that Prof Con the Gift again with more drugs?" "Prof, you are so crazy." "Hi there Jen..." "how are you?" "Phil!" "Ashley, I need the number for your drug dealer." "Phil you, Prof..." "Con and I were just talking about you." "And now you're here!" "That's great." "Can we do this in like five minutes please?" "You know, it's like, I..." "Stand over there." "Thanks." "Ashley, please." "I'm not always right." "I need to get in touch with your drug dealer." "Ashley." "Phil, why are you here?" "I need the number." "Why?" "Don't" " Don't" "Ew!" "Put it away, just put it away." "Don't make this harder than it needs to be." "Not this!" "I'm not gonna tell her what happened." "I don't want her to know what happened either!" "I'm not always the giver." "I'm not." "You know, and-- and I know that now." "I see that, and it's okay." "Chuck is gonna filet me." "Chuck has access to weapons." "He will filet my balls the long way and throw me out the 26th floor window if I don't get that fucking shirt back!" "I need the number or beeper, or do they still use beepers?" "Oh my God." "No they don't use beepers." "I need Compton Boy's fucking digits man!" "And I know now that I was uptight, you know, before... and I'm not now." "What happened to you in the laundry room is gonna happen all over Slauson Boulevard if I don't get that shirt back!" "And, and I was thinking about that, and I'm glad that you came." "And that I can tell you that now." "Hey hey, Yan." "Nah, I'm having lunch with Jen in Beverly Hills and it ran a little long." "Hang on a second, Yan." "I'll have the foie gras, thanks." "Um, listen... we're talking 9:45, 10:00 the latest." "Just tell him to revise the schedule, okay?" "Great." "Thank you so much, man." "Yeah, 10:00 a.m. Okay, bye." "Jen, okay, we're not gonna talk about Phil tonight, okay?" "This is your night." "Drinks are on me." "We're gonna go to the bar, and we're gonna have a great time." "We're gonna get shit-faced, and we're gonna find you a hot guy that you can take home and just, you know, have fun with." "Oh." "I think it's good he has the shirt, you know." "Who cares, the guy's an idiot." "What's your name?" "My name is Brad." "Brad." "This is Jen." "Hi, Jen." "What are you guys doing tonight?" "Do you have any suggestions?" "We were actually just going this way to, uh, to a bar." "PHIL:" "White male corpse found headless in Compton alleyway." "Pulverized torso region, body riddled with Glock nine bullets." "Shells found in rectum, genitals." "Mild patellofemoral syndrome found on anterior left." "Why don't we go for a walk sometime." "Give me your number;" "I'll put it in my PDA." "Okay." "Great." "¶" "Think I'd call you out here on some bullshit." "It's earlier than a motherfucker man." "Y'all gotta know I came across the biggest come up ever, bottom line, bottom line is 1,000 dollars for 30 minutes." "(Arguing)" "Man." "What are y'all talking about, man?" "Hey, y'all don't know what this shirt do." "You should have seen it, you should have seen it." "Okay, look, calm down, calm down, calm down." "Calm down, homeboys, back up." "I got four of these women in here right now to get down with all of y'all at the same time." "This shirt is irresistible." "I'll do $100 for three hours." "What the fuck is this anyway." "That motherfucker ain't velvet nigger." "You get to do whatever you want to do, man." "Hey, you know what?" "I'll try it." "I'll try it, man." "(All talking at once)" "You want a drink?" "Damn girl, you looking good." "Prof usually don't deal with women like this." "What's up with me and you?" "Don't need this." "Dude, what you think this is, you think you talking to a ho?" "Didn't I pay for this?" "Pay for this?" "Back up off me, before I knock your shit out your mouth." "Stop that shit right there." "My man will come down your place and stop you." "So..." "What?" "Me?" "Back your shit up." "You think you in a motherfucking whore house." "Where you think you at?" "You know who the fuck you dealing with?" "(Angry arguing)" "Hey Phil." "Here we go." "Hey." "How's it going?" "Oh, how you doing, Chuck?" "Where the fuck have you been... again?" "Why shouldn't I kick your ass... again?" "What, you gonna get in my face?" "Is that what you're gonna do?" "You're gonna fucking get angry about something?" "That never happened before." "Why don't you surprise yourself?" "Why don't you try something a little different?" "You piss me off, Phil." "Uh huh, oh yeah?" "For the last goddamn time, what is so complicated about having the shirt back," "2200 hours last night, this hanger should have had a fucking shirt on it." "You're not American hero, you're an American creep." "What the fuck did you just say?" "Oh, he called you a creep." "A creep?" "Let's not fight here, okay guys?" "You make me fucking sick, you dance around and your little thing, you think you're all noble because you run around trying to find a woman who doesn't love you?" "Maybe there's more to sex than a cardio workout and an ugly shirt." "I got a sexual position for you, Chuck." "How about eye contact with the person you're fucking." "Huh?" "Ever try that?" "How about a little love and human understanding?" "Dick." "Wow." "Yan, why the fuck did you nod when he said I wasn't an American hero?" "I was thinking of something else." "No, you weren't thinking of something else." "You say the first thing on your fucking mind all the time, that's why I love you, because there's no bullshit with you." "Am I a creep?" "No." "You're much bigger, like a dick." "I know." "We can work on that." "I'm taking a walk, man." "I'll take the shirt." "WOMAN:" "Baby, oh, what do you want?" "I want you." "CHUCK:" "I want you guys to make me happy, okay?" "WOMEN:" "I'll make you happy." "I'll make you happy." "'Cause I want you to tell me that-- that you should have waited for me." "I want you to say that you should've written me while I was away." "In a second though." "I want you to tell me that you miss me... and you mean it." "But not right now." "I want" "I want you to tell me that you love me." "I want you to mean that too, okay?" "Okay." "Okay." "Okay." "Okay." "Here we go." "Okay, go." "I should have waited." "I should have written to you every day." "I miss you, Chuck." "I miss you so much." "I love you." "I love you too." "I miss you Chuck." "I should have waited." "I missed you too." "I should have written to you every day." "You should have." "I should have." "You should have." "Sorry." "I wish... (Echoing sentiments)" "Do you want me to do that?" "No, I got it." "I don't mind." "The only reason you came out here is because you felt guilty and you wanted to feel better." "All right, there it is, there's the tone that we know and love." "I'm already pumping it." "Why don't you pump my cock?" "In hindsight, that remark could be categorized as somewhat insensitive." "Phil, these are all old feelings." "I thought we'd moved on from this." "I'm just, I'm" " I'm getting tired of the fact that everything I touch turns to Phil." "What about your penis, Phil?" "It wasn't always sour, Moss." "Oh." "Come on Jen, you be Sharon Stone and I'll be the interrogation chair." "Phil, maybe marriage is just what two people do to try to make one moment last a lifetime." "I can live with that." "None of this seems to have a whole hell of a lot of meaning anymore." "I guess I better go steal that shirt once and for all." "(Playing guitar)" "¶" "¶ I never like to talk but seeing you ¶" "¶ Watching as you walk the way you do ¶" "¶ My mind is like a clock that takes me through ¶" "¶ But don't forget my cock which aches for you ¶" "¶ Locked inside and blind we wish to be ¶" "¶ In someone else's mind but carefully ¶" "¶ Or maybe you don't cop the same belief ¶" "¶ Baby, would you stop divorcing me ¶" "¶ How do you dream?" "¶" "¶ How do you dream?" "¶" "¶ How do you dream, Jen?" "¶" "¶ Imagine if your breasts were both-- ¶" "Should" " Should I come up?" "Should I come up?" "Phil." "It doesn't work." "It's not working?" "It doesn't work anymore, Phil." "Look at me, look, look at the shirt." "No, it's the shirt, look, look, Jen come back." "Jen, don't go." "It doesn't work." "Ahhh." "Give me the goddamn shirt, you little fuck." "You fucked with the wrong marine, crap stain!" "Get the fuck out of my life!" "What happened?" "The shirt didn't work, it didn't work." "What do you mean it didn't work?" "The shirt did not work." "No, that's impossible." "It's not impossible." "That's impossible, the shirt always works." "It didn't work." "No, you did something wrong." "I had it on the way I always do." "I know how to use the shirt, man." "Were you 100 meters, within 100 meters." "Are you sure?" "I was right under her window, window was open." "Oh, my God." "She's your soul mate." "The fuck are you talking about?" "When I was telling you guys the rules, you weren't paying attention?" "And of course it won't work if you find the one time true love for you, but that's a 1 in 6 billion chance, so..." "Congratulations, that's great news." "If the shirt doesn't work, it's your soul mate." "The shirt doesn't work on your soul mate." "No." "Phil." "Chuck." "Jesus man, where have you been?" "Are you okay?" "Jen's my soul mate." "Okay, yeah, sure." "Where the fuck is the shirt, Phil?" "Coughlin took it." "Son of a bitch." "I'm gonna rip that guy's fucking face off." "I know." "I know." "We gotta get that thing away from Coughlin once and for all." "You know what we gotta do dude, you know what we gotta do." "Give it back." "Yes." "Chuck." "Oh, give the shirt back." "Fuck it." "Fuck it." "Phil, uh, I got so many storm clouds in my past, let's just, I want to clean my hands of this things." "Okay?" "New lives." "Amen, brother." "But first, I have something very important to do for me and Jen." "I got a job interview tomorrow." "Really?" "Yes." "Okay." "She's your soul mate, man." "You gotta go after that with everything you have, you know?" "I gotta go." "Okay." "Phil, I'm not worried about you anymore, man." "¶" "I just want to get one thing straight, on the onset of this." "We don't normally reward people for berating our website with a litany of complaints via email." "Well, I just think your logic tree needs tweaking and if you're gonna allow people to search by keyword, and also by definition, well, I don't know, it seems like they ought to be able" "to cross reference those two things." "You seem like an idea guy, let's get down to it." "I offer you a think tank and a staff of seven." "You... find some solutions." "Well, I suppose I can continue to do the work by writing vitriolic letters, inebriated and pants-less, in the privacy of my own air condition-less apartment, or I can come here and do it... in the cold." "Let's not play hardball." "Our budget firmly plants us at 140K on this." "Plus a company car?" "I have always been fond of the SG." "Yeah..." "Accord." "I think we still might have a good fit here, Carl." "I think so too, Phillip." "Let's put a hand on it." "Can you start on Monday" "Yes." "I'm really glad you called." "I learned a lot about math today." "But Brad, I just have to be honest with you." "I'm not ready for this." "My husband and I used to hike a lot, and, um, it's just made me realize that..." "I'm still in love with him." "Well, that's okay, I'm gay." "You're... gay?" "I thought you knew." "Wow." "Okay." "You know, that's actually perfect, I mean," "Phil plus a gay guy's almost like one real relationship." "Listen man, you think we got all dolled up with collared shirts on and whatnot for nothing?" "You got a new job!" "Congratulations!" "We're celebrating tonight." "I went down to the planetarium." "Three tickets, Floyd, laser light show, tonight." "Yes, Floyd man, fucking Floyd." "What are we gonna do about the shirt, we gotta get that thing away from that lunatic, man, and cast it into the fires of Mordor." "No, no, no, we gotta get us away from the shirt for a while." "That guy's doing us a favour." "Yeah, fuck that shirt." "We're gonna stay away from the shirt, we're gonna stay away from vagina, we're just gonna be the guys." "Lasers, Floyd, get our souls back." "Yeah, you know what?" "You're right." "Hello?" "I want you to listen, and I want you to listen real close, mop top." "Who is this?" "I'm gonna make an example of your wife, fun boy." "What?" "I know where she works." "I know where she lives." "No, you fucking lay one hand on her head and..." "I'm gonna fuck your wife buddy!" "Fuck!" "That was Coughlin!" "He's got the shirt, and he's stalking Jen!" "We gotta split up." "She's either at work, or she went home already!" "Go, go, go, go, go!" "CHUCK:" "All right, where am I going?" "What's the address?" "I don't know, I don't know where she works." "What do you mean?" "I have no idea where she works!" "Call 411!" "Swatch Dynamic." "Hi, I'm calling for Jen; is Jen there?" "Is she there?" "Oh, she did?" "Okay, thank, thank you." "What?" "She's off, she went home!" "We have to go to the apartment." "Fuck!" "I'll take a steak burrito..." "and a fish taco." "Do you get a prize with the kid's meal?" "Uh, just one of those little magnet" "Do you want a magnetic" "Of course I want one of those." "Well..." "Hello, Jen." "Don't you just look fresh as a desert flower..." "How do you know my name?" "You look dangerous." "I am dangerous." "Oh, you're bad." "I'm good at it too." "I want to see the goodies." "Yeah." "All right, yeah." "This isn't too bad, is it?" "Oh, my God." "Oh God." "How'd you ever end up with a limp dick like Phil?" "Kiss me." "You want it?" "Oh yeah." "Can we talk about this?" "I'm ready." "I'm ready now." "You wanna try me?" "That all you got?" "That's interesting." "Yeah." "It's fucking beautiful man." "It's fucking green and red and white... and pink..." "Jen." "I know I'm no Cary Grant." "But that doesn't mean you shouldn't feel like Audrey Hepburn every once in a while." "Let's be nice to each other and see what happens?" "Okay." "(Fireworks exploding)" "Hey, you guys okay?" "Yeah, it's, uh..." "Yeah." "It's over." "What?" "Oh, ew." "The eye thing... that's creepy." "Now all you gotta do is get this back to shirt guy." "What is that?" "I'll tell you later." "Okay, what are you gonna do?" "I'm going home." "Good." "What are we gonna do with him?" "What are we gonna do with him?" "I'll just call the VA, he was a vet, tell them we got a man down, they'll come out, pine box it, American flag, something nice." "Or we could punch a bunch of holes in him with a tire iron and sink him in the lake." "Nah, I don't think that's a good idea." "Probably not." "All right, we got stuff to do, we got phone calls to make, deliveries." "I think he's probably hungry." "What?" "See you, man." "JEN:" "Oh, thank you, that was so nice." "Oh, it's so sunny." "Did you see the seagull crap on that guy?" "That was hilarious." "Hey, will you grab this?" "Sure." "(Laughing)" "¶" "¶" "¶ We gettin' high, doin' line of the white ¶" "¶ My head spinnin' round and round, and high as a kite ¶" "¶ We hit a party ¶" "¶ The girls, they be actin' nuts ¶" "¶ They doin' rails off of rails ¶" "¶ Till we gas 'em up ¶" "¶ We get the mountain peak ¶" "¶ Them girls surrounding me ¶" "¶ Snow blowing', ho's knowin' that we pounding' beats ¶" "¶ So we can ride, ride ¶" "¶ Dip it inside, side ¶" "¶ We up inside, side ¶" "¶ I'm feeling ride, ride ¶" "¶ Tell 'em get your ass in the house ¶" "¶ Get naked then we pass 'em around ¶" "¶ Hit the bathroom, bedroom, kitchen ¶" "¶ Front porch, yeah, then it's back to the couch ¶" "¶" "¶ One look was all it took ¶" "¶ And everything was said, my darling ¶" "¶ One look was all it took ¶" "¶ And you were in my head, my darling ¶" "¶ I stood like an open book ¶" "¶ Waiting to be read, my darling ¶" "¶ One look was all it took ¶" "¶ And you were in my head, my darling ¶" "¶ It's something so surreal ¶" "¶ The stupid way you make me feel ¶" "¶ When everything is said and done ¶" "¶ Somehow you are still the one ¶" "¶ Don't make me wait so long ¶" "¶ To hesitate would be wrong ¶" "¶ Don't make me wait here so long ¶" "¶ One day, I think we may ¶" "¶ Settle down together, baby ¶" "¶ One day, I bet you'll say ¶" "¶ There is nothing better, baby ¶" "¶ That day, when you won't stay ¶" "¶ Someday becomes never, baby ¶" "¶ That day is far away ¶" "¶ So I won't think a lot, but maybe it's ¶" "¶ It's something so surreal ¶" "¶ The stupid way you make me feel ¶" "¶ When everything is said and done ¶" "¶ Somehow you are still the one ¶" "¶ Don't make me wait so long ¶" "¶ To hesitate would be wrong ¶" "¶ Don't make me wait here so long ¶" "¶ Would you like a city by the sea?" "¶" "¶ You could get a life with me ¶" "¶ Don't think twice, I think you're really nice ¶" "¶" "¶ It's something so surreal ¶" "¶ The stupid way you make me feel ¶" "¶ When everything is said and done ¶" "¶ Somehow you are still the one ¶" "¶ Don't make me wait so long ¶" "¶ To hesitate would be wrong ¶" "¶ Don't make me wait here so long ¶" "¶" "¶ Hey DJ ¶" "¶ Hey music man ¶" "¶" "We have us a serious issue here." "Yes, we do have a serious issue." "Good evening, Detective Greyhorn." "Good evening, Detective Greyhorn." "Good evening, Detective Greyhorn." "Somebody stole the funk." "I just want you to return the funk." "¶ Somebody tell me ¶" "¶ What happened to the funk?" "¶" "¶ What happened to the smokin' grooves ¶" "¶ That used to pump up from my trunk?" "¶" "¶ What happened to analogies?" "¶" "¶ And metaphors and words?" "¶" "¶ I miss something deferring to everyone but her ¶" "¶ Hey DJ ¶" "¶ Hey music man ¶" "¶ Hey record store ¶" "¶ Hey bandstand ¶" "¶ I think it's time that you play a new tune ¶" "¶ Here's one for you to start with ¶" "¶ Now dig on this groove ¶" "¶ Well, all right ¶" "¶ Uh-huh ¶" "¶ Ah-hah ¶" "¶ Uh-huh ¶" "¶ Ah-hah, hey ¶" "¶ Uh-huh ¶" "¶ Ah-hah ¶" "¶ Uh-huh ¶" "¶ Ah-hah ¶" "¶ You can fill in the blanks ¶" "¶ With whatever you like ¶" "¶ Picture riding in the sky on chocolate mountain bikes ¶" "¶ And bouncing ¶" "¶ Bouncing off a cloud ¶" "¶ The springs like a trampoline ¶" "¶ And landing ¶" "¶ Landing on a mountain ¶" "¶ With lips like Angeline's ¶" "¶ Angelina Jolie has got lips for these ¶" "¶ Oh yeah she does ¶" "¶ And obviously it pays ¶" "¶ But I got threats ¶" "¶ Too much stress, yeah ¶" "¶ But back to the lack of proper funk ¶" "¶ Of which I'm so upset ¶" "¶ I think it's time that you heard a new tune ¶" "¶ Here's one for you to start with ¶" "¶ Now dig on this groove ¶" "¶ Uh-huh ¶" "¶ Ah-hah ¶" "¶ Uh-huh ¶" "¶ Ah-hah, sing ¶" "¶ Uh-huh, uh-huh ¶" "¶ Ah-hah ¶" "¶ Uh-huh ¶" "¶ Ah-hah, hey ¶" "¶ Ah-hah ¶" "¶ Uh-huh, feel so good ¶" "¶ Ah-hah ¶" "¶ Uh-huh, fill in the blanks ¶" "¶ Ah-hah ¶" "¶ Uh-huh, fill in the blanks ¶" "¶ Ah-huh ¶"