"EL COYOTE (over P.A. system):" "And on your left, below us, is the Mexifornia border station." " What in the Dale Earnhardt?" " Oh, look!" "It's the rare, man-breasted border agent." "If we're quiet, maybe he'll sound his majestic call." " Hey!" "Stop!" " (people exclaiming)" "(Bud spouting gibberish)" "What the hell?" "That post was holding up the ground, Señor Bud." "(Bud screaming)" "SATAN:" "Buckwald?" "You're 15 years early!" "(screeches)" "♪ Ooh!" "♪" "♪ Ha!" "♪" "♪ Ooh!" "♪" "♪ Ha!" "♪" "Whoa!" "(indistinct conversations)" "Welcome, Mr. and Mrs. Buckwald." "I'm so glad you could make it." "Gert is a delight." "The teachers' union says I have to say that before I tell you everything that's wrong with her." "Wow, I haven't used a child's water fountain in years." "(coughs) Oh, dear." "I have everything." "Ooh, Daddy." " Can I have some snacks?" " Sure, Gertie." "Now, make sure you eat two of everything." "You got a pageant coming up, so you don't want to miss any of your essential daily sugars." "(grunts) I can't reach 'em!" "Just Van Damme it, Gert." "(snorting)" "Dad, how can you let her eat all that junk food?" "She's training." "Ooh, be careful, Gert, there's an apple at the end." "Hola, Buckwalds!" "Look, Mami!" "I'm the teacher's pet." "Oh, how sweet." "(barking)" "Aw, man." "Now it's gonna be weird if I do it." "Oh, Ernesto, it was so nice of you to donate the class garden." "Of course!" "This is how I scout for tomorrow's Gonzalez Landscapers." "No, no, no, no..." "Yes!" "(gasps) The rake birthmark!" "He is the chosen!" "Good morning, class." "Welcome to Advanced Kicking." "(grunting)" "I get an "A"!" "Pepito, stop it right now or you'll get the chancla." "No, Mami!" "No chancla!" " (all gasp)" " Mrs. Gonzalez, did you just threaten your son with your shoe?" "This school doesn't believe in physical punishment." "Yeah, that's not how you parent." "You're ruining your child!" "Oh, Gert, honey, don't drink the glue from the bottle, use a cup." "Can we have macaroni for dinner?" "I want to poop me a necklace." "MARIA:" "How dare that teacher tell me how to raise my child!" "I don't tell that unmarried tree stump how to scare off men." "You know, I wouldn't have to use the chancla if you would be more of a help, Ernesto." "Pepito's fine." "He's an active boy." "That's good." "Pepito, come to dinner!" "PEPITO:" "Okay, Papi!" "(Tarzan yell)" "I bring a message from the howler monkeys:" "(hooting, howling)" "Oh, God, do I really sound like that?" "Look at that child." "Kids need the belt." "Hitting children isn't the answer to anything." "It just creates an environment of fear and intimidation." "I agree." "Papi, you whipped me with the belt when I was little, and I hated it." "(door opens)" "Hola, Ernesto." " How dare you ignore me?" " (crying)" "From now on you will always say "Hola"!" "Hola, tears." "Well, Ernesto, we have to do something." "Pepito is acting up more than ever." "He just needs an outlet for all his energy." "Hey, where'd he go?" "I won the New York Marathon." "What's a Puerto Rican?" "Are they us?" "It was great visiting your school, Gert." "That German shepherd is the best principal you've ever had." "I can't believe he's being accused of sniffing a student's butt." "Ah, my princess doesn't need school." "She's gonna be a star after next week's Little Miss Mexifornia pageant." "That's right, Daddy." "The last five Little Miss Mexifornia winners were killed by their parents, but I'm gonna break the streak!" "Of course you will, Gert." "God, I'm sick of all the attention she gets." "Okay, princess, now finish your dinner." "Nutrition is the building block of fame." "I ain't got no more dinner." "Is that so?" "(gasps) Yay!" "(snorting)" "I stole that from a witch in a forest." "Ernesto, what are you doing?" "I thought you were watching Pepito." "I am!" "I thought it could help Pepito work off his excess energy." "I got the idea from Furnesto." "Hola, Ernesto!" "Hola, Furnesto!" "Remember, winners never quit, and quitters never win!" "I met him at a seminar." "You know, Pepito is clearly showing signs of ADHD." "You may want to talk to a school counselor about putting him on medication." "ADHD?" "Ha!" "People today are always medicating made-up diseases." "Like autism." "When did it become abnormal to avoid eye contact while reciting train statistics?" "Ernesto, I'm glad you're trying to help Pepito, but running in a hamster wheel isn't going to make him behave." "Well, it's working pretty good so far." "What the..." "Hey, get away from me, you demon kid!" "I'll get you!" "You can't hide from me forever!" "(whistle blows)" "(kids yelling, laughing)" "(Bud grunts)" "All right, Gert, time to make you a star." "Ugh, I can't believe you encourage this." "My little girl was the star of a commercial for childhood obesity." "What have you ever done?" "(gasps) Ooh, Daddy, there's Tanya Hernandez." "She's the most beautiful pageant queen ever." "Had a bit of surgery, though." "Hey, Bud." "Hey, Janice." "Gert, you look adorable!" "Tanya won this five times." "I only marry the best." "Her nose fell off." "Damn it!" "Now you gotta be a snowman." "Hola, Buckwalds!" "Gert, we're so excited to cheer you on." "What do you guys know about pageant cheering?" "Ala bim!" "Ala bom!" "Ala bim bom bam!" "Gert!" "Gert!" "Ra ra ra!" "Am I cursed now?" "(music playing, cheering)" "Welcome, moms and gay dads, to the 2015 Little Miss Mexifornia pageant." "The pageant that tries to prove not all Mexifornian children are ugly, to varying degrees of success." "Now, let's meet our panel of judges, comprised of our town's most discerning pedophiles." "(applause, cheers)" "Let's start with the interview round." "First question:" "do you believe women should have names?" "Or should we just use a picture of their body shape?" "I like having a name." "Thank you... (applause)" "All right, sweetie, you're up next." "Now, drink your Go-Go juice." "I put a Snickers in there for extra nutrition." "And remember, no matter what happens out there, if you don't win, I'll kill myself." "Next up, Gert Buckwald!" "Yay, Gert!" "I hate this!" "These chicks are flat." "Sanford, they're children." "No." "I mean that last girl was singing in "F" sharp." "The song was clearly in "G"!" "(pop intro plays)" "♪ Yikes, it happened once more ♪" "♪ That thing that I do ♪" "♪ I did the same thing ♪" "♪ Oh, baby, baby ♪" "♪ Zoinks, you think something else ♪" " ♪ But that's not the thing I did ♪ - (heart beating rapidly)" "♪ That I just did again... ♪" "(gasps)" "My heart!" "Oh, my God, I think she's having a heart attack!" "(audience gasps)" "(gasping)" "Gert!" "Can anyone save my little girl?" "Wait!" "Thanks to my grandfather's magic watch," "I can go back in time and change everything." "We're leaving for the pageant." "Past Sanford!" "Don't go!" "It's super boring!" "Thanks, future me." "Hey, you like Pantera?" "Of course!" "I'm you!" "(mimicking heavy metal)" "(siren recedes)" "I can't believe Gert had a heart attack." "The smelling salts aren't working." "Let me try something." "(bacon sizzles)" "Mmm, what's that?" "Wait a minute, that's turkey bacon." "(monitor flatlines)" "Oh, Gert, my little angel, I'm so glad you're okay." "If you died, I could never go to a child's funeral again without feeling sad." "How could Gert have a heart attack?" "She's only five years old." "Well, our tests show she's got the arteries of an 80-year-old man." "Hey, look!" "Today's top story:" "a new low for Mexifornia." "A 180-pound five-year-old girl has had a heart attack." "I'm famous!" "Mr. and Mrs. Buckwald," "I'm afraid she needs a quadruple bypass, or she could die." "Oh, Gert, my baby!" "Quadruple bypass?" "Is that covered by our health plan?" "No, Bud." "We have the cheapest health care plan available." "Doesn't even cover my narcolepsy." "Yeah, but, Janice, the thing is, it..." "I-I wasn't setting up a joke." "We have a bad health plan." "Daddy, am I gonna die?" "No, princess." "Don't worry, we'll get you that surgery no matter what it costs." "The surgery costs $50,000." "$50,000?" "Where am I gonna get that kind of money?" "Okay, Bud, you choose the first category." "I ain't here to answer your nerd questions." "Put the money on my screen!" "What kind of father am I?" "My baby girl needs surgery, and I can't pay for it." "I know, what are we gonna do?" "We could only afford to cremate half your mother." "At least she's fun to hang from the porch on Halloween." "Hey, Bud, we've all been really worried about Gert." "Is she gonna be okay?" "Don't you worry about my little angel Gert." "She made it five years." "She'll make it five more." "It's not easy raising kids these days." "Lately, Pepito's been acting up nonstop, and nothing I try seems to work." "Hyah, Mr. Buckwald!" "Hyah!" "Hey, what the... get the hell off of me, you crazy kid!" " Pepito!" " I said, "hyah!"" "(snorting, neighing)" "Whoa, whoa!" "Easy, boy." "Easy, boy." "Whoa." "Ho dere." "Shh-shh." "Easy there, easy there." "Good boy." "Someday I'll have to shoot you." "Damn it, Pepito!" "How many times have I told you to leave Mr. Buckwald alone?" "I've had enough!" "(cries)" "No, Papi." "Keep going, Ernesto." "I feed on the screams of children." "I'm so sorry, Papi!" "Oh, my God." "What have I done?" "PLACIDO:" "Oh, my God, what have I done?" "I'm serious." "I forgot my whole life." "Who am I?" "!" "(owl hoots)" "Ernesto, you spanked Pepito?" "I know, I feel terrible." "And I can sense I've lost the respect of our lawn." "Hey, Ernesto, aren't you coming to your lawn's party?" "It's having a party?" "I wasn't invited." "(inhales awkwardly)" "I just saw Ernesto." "OTHERS:" "Ooh." "You know, maybe J.C.'s right." "Maybe Pepito needs professional help." "Professional help?" "Ernesto, we're his parents." "We can figure this out." "We just have to do our best for ten more years, and then he's the army's problem." "(sighs) I don't know, Maria." "I just can't figure out what's wrong with him." "What's wrong with me?" "Why do they need to send me to a doctor?" "Shut up, Pepito, I'm trying to get laid." "Psst, wake up, you flamp!" "In my day, you'd call them a flamp." "A "flamp" is like a "gazoonka," but worse." "Good news, honey." "We got a surprise for you." "Star third baseman Josh Carew?" "What are you doing here?" "Heard there was a sick little girl." "I'm here to let her know I'm gonna hit two home runs for her tonight." "Sorry, Mr. Buckwald." "The hospital didn't receive your $15 co-pay for this hospital room." "Mr. Carew, could you give me a hand?" "(bat cracks)" "(Gert screams)" "Ow, my arm!" "Get me to a hospital!" "(bat cracks)" "Oh, yeah, the bad insurance." "ANNOUNCER:" "We now return to America's Next Top Announcer." "ANNOUNCER 2:" "We now return to America's Next Top Announcer." "ANNOUNCER 3:" "We now return to America's Next Top Announcer." "Kids, believe it or not, NBC was once a very respected network." "What the hell is this?" "The doctor said Gert's bad eating habits are the cause of her heart problem, so no more junk food in this house." "I hate you, salad!" "I'd throw tomatoes at you, but it'd just make you a bigger salad." "Gert, please, you're my baby sister." "I want you to be around for a long time." "And I'll admit, I, too, could probably stand to lose a few pounds." "BUCKWALDS:" "Oh, full-figured Becky." "Full-figured or not, still not my type." "GONZALEZES:" "Oh, Straight Uncle Jorge." "Hey, Gert, I heard you were in the hospital." "Are you a sex addict like my father?" "ERNESTO:" "Hey, Maria, Pepito's out of the house." "Oh, dear, wherever did my pants go?" "Anyway, I drew you a picture." "It started as Superman, but then I got bored, and it became Godzilla, and then I got bored again, and it became a monkey, and now I'm bored again, so it's on fire." "Aah!" "Thanks, Pepito, but I'm okay." "The doctors just say I got a bum ticker, that's all." "The doctors say there's something wrong with me, too." "Well, what do doctors know?" "If they were so smart, they wouldn't keep crashing while driving home from the hospital drunk." "(tires screeching, crashing)" "(horn honks)" "(zips)" "Cool, found a bathroom." "Hey, it's the little fat girl." "You shouldn't be in the men's room, you fat little idiot." "Well, the doctor says Pepito has ADHD." "I don't know how we're gonna get him to take these pills." "I've got an idea." "How about I go to work and make money for the family, and when I get home it's somehow worked itself out." "I'm a ninja, most silent of all the world's assassins." "Ninja!" "Ninja!" "Ninja!" "Ninja!" "Ninja!" "Ninja!" "Ninja!" "Ninja!" "Ninja!" "Pepito, I have some special candy for you." "This doesn't look like candy." "Is this the medicine the doctor gave you?" "You're right, Pepito, it's not candy... it's drugs." "Don't you want to take drugs like a cool teenager?" "Okay." "Oh, good, you took my advice and got him on medication." "Now can we talk about my plan for composting?" "Because I really..." "It took a long time for him to be annoying in that exact spot, but it was worth it." "Ernesto, will you help me get Pepito ready for bed?" "Uh, I just ate a whole pack of beef jerky." "If I move, I'm gonna fart." "Pepito, time to start thinking about getting ready for bed!" "(farts)" "(groans)" "If it's okay, I'm gonna brush my teeth first." "Wow, he did that without a fight." "All right, let's do the other one." "Papi, time for bed!" "PLACIDO:" "Go to hell!" "I'm watching Conan on his pretend network." "(semitrailer blows horn)" "Hey, George, I'm looking for work." "I need to pay for Gert's surgery." "Sorry, Bud, all the charity stage time is filled up." "DEEJAY:" "Mesothelioma?" "More like, mesotheli-oh-my-God, what a performance!" "We would like to dedicate today's collection to Gert Buckwald, a very sweet, innocent five-year-old girl in need of a very serious medical procedure." "ANNOUNCER:" "Money may or may not actually go to Gert Buckwald." "Please make out all checks to Reverend Fantastic's bail bondsman." "This church is not actually a church." "There is no God." "Hey, Bud, you look upset." "You know, my family uses a great doctor in Mexico who's less expensive than American doctors." "Put my daughter's life in the hands of a Mexican doctor?" "(sighs) I guess I got no other choice." "Well, at first I was hesitant about going to an American doctor for Pepito." "But it worked out great." "Trust me, Dr. Gutierrez is the best." "He even did my mustache enlargement so I look tasteful and natural." "Hey, Ernesto!" "Ugh, that's what a midlife crisis looks like." "ANNOUNCER:" "We now return to The Mexican Bachelorette." "Will you accept this rose?" " Yes." " Ten dollars, please." "I don't think he bought the rose for the right reasons." "Ernesto, I'm worried about Pepito." "Ever since he started taking that medicine, he's not himself anymore." "Well, he's staying out of trouble." "Isn't that what we want?" "Maria, the doctor told us to give him the pills, and I'm sure he knows best." "I even started giving them to Furnesto, and now he's taught himself to sing." "Ready, Furnesto?" "Okay!" "♪ My name is Furnesto ♪" "♪ And this is my song ♪" "♪ I like to be happy ♪" "♪ And sing all day long. ♪" "(screams)" "He's an absolute dream!" "(bird screeches, hamsters scream)" "I don't know about this place." "If this is a real hospital, how come they don't got a wing named after a Jewish?" "Oh, Maria, Ernesto." "Thank you guys so much for helping us." "No problem, we even lit a prayer candle for her." "To the patron saint of fat kids." "He turned water into Kool-Aid by adding Kool-Aid mix." "Dr. Gutierrez, thank you for helping us with our neighbor's surgery." "Of course, Maria." "Buenos días." "You listen here, Doctor." "Gert is my daughter, and I swear to God, if you eat a taco during that surgery," "I will murder your entire family." "Who the hell told you that you could speak to Mexicans like that?" "One more word out of you, and I will let your fat pig of a daughter die in a trough like she deserves!" " Understood?" "!" " Yes, sir." "Good." "Throw out the surgery tacos." "Be strong, princess, you're my little soldier." "Mostly because we can't provide good medical care for you." "Hey, Pepito, we may be sitting here a while." "You want to go outside and kick a soccer ball?" "No, thanks, Papi." "Huh, I think you were right about those pills." "I barely even recognize him anymore." "Even his face is turning into that of a boring child." "Okay, let's begin." "Oh, my poor baby." "Dear God, I know you're retired, but I really need you to save my sweet angel, Gert." "If you must kill a little girl," "I recommend Maddie Gibbons at 8 Spruce Lane." "Her bedroom is the third window on the left, and she's always home after 6:00." "Amen, starring Sherman Hemsley." "Janice, I don't trust these doctors." "Don't worry, Gert's gonna be fine." "She's got a long life of heart surgeries ahead of her." "(gasps) He's got a knife!" "I'm going in there!" "Bud, no!" "What kind of pediatric surgeon cuts open a little girl?" "!" "Mr. Buckwald." "Ew, guts!" "You contaminated the patient!" "Her heart is failing." "Oh, God, what have I done?" "!" "Hey, Daddy, look at me, I'm flying!" "(whoops)" "Oh, my ghost heart!" "My angel's gonna die, and it's all my fault." "Don't worry, Dad, if you want a new baby, there's a whole room of free ones." "Mr. Buckwald, because of you, your daughter suffered heart failure and required an emergency transplant." "We had no choice but to give her a pig heart." "You gave my angel a pig heart?" "!" "It was the only donor we had." "Could I have one final moment with her?" "I'm free!" "Yay...!" "But your daughter's going to be okay." " Gert!" " My princess." "I'm so glad you're okay." "Me, too, but heaven sure was fun." "Here's a tidbit..." "no sign of Robin Williams." "Thanks for your help, Ernesto." "And, Dr. Gutierrez, I was wrong about you." "You saved my little angel." "What the hell is that?" "Oh, that happens whenever I shake hands with a Mexican." "That's how the show ends." "Oh, that's right, Pepito still has a thing." "Get out of here, rainbow!" "Isn't this great, Pepito?" "Your little friend Gert is all better." "Aah, that's it." "No more of those damn pills." "Janice, you have any more of that "Go-Go juice" stuff you used to give to Gert?" "I'm bored, what can I break?" " (crashing)" " This is the Pepito I want." "Yeah, the real Pepito." "Look, people darts!" "Ow!" "Aah!" "Oh, cool, steroids!" "Yes!" "Aw, now I'll never be Joe Rogan's friend." "Gert, we're so glad you're okay." "I would have given you my own heart if I could have." "Oh, Daddy." "And I got you a surprise." "Fudge-covered ribs." "(gasps)" "(snorting)" "Dad, what are you doing?" "Did you learn nothing from the past two weeks?" "Yeah, I learned that even though he might be hyper," "I love Pepito just the way he is." "And I learned that no matter how bad I screw myself up," "Mexico can fix me." "(burps)" "Yeah, let's eat!" "(Munch noises)" "(Gasping)" "Let him die." "(fly buzzing)"