"(Carrie) Before there was sex... before there was the city, there was just me," "Carrie..." "Carrie Bradshaw from Castlebury, Connecticut." "I wanna be with you, even though there are no guarantees." "Bennet and I are just hanging out, nothing official." "Just keeping it easy breezy." "I feel nothing for you." " Nothing, huh?" " Nothing." "Anytime we're together, it's chaos." "Nothing about us is simple." "You're really offering me a job?" "I thought you might be ready to re-up, get back in with the big boys." "Well, it'll be nice to have you around." "From one Bradshaw to another." "You are following in your daughter's footsteps. (Chuckles)" "Wanna go for a ride?" "I think I would rather spend my time with someone who actually thinks I deserve a future." "I'm just looking for something." "No strings attached, 'cause I'm already attached." "Feels like no strings attached might be just the game I'm looking for." "All I do is make things crazy for you, and I want things to be simpler for you." "So I'm gonna let you go." "I know it's over." "(Carrie) There are many types of boundaries we encounter in life." "(The Clash's "Should I Stay Or Should I Go" playing)" "♪ Darling, you got to let me know ♪" "Some are easy to cross... ♪ Should I stay or should I go?" "♪" "While others are more challenging." "♪ Are mine" "♪ I'll be here 'till the end of time ♪" "♪ so you got to..." "And then there are boundaries of the personal kind... ♪ Should I stay or should I go?" "♪" "Which some people are incapable of noticing." "♪ Should I stay or should I go now?" "♪" "♪ should I stay or should I go now?" "♪" "♪ so come on and let me know" "There was a boundary I couldn't wait to cross..." "From intern to writer." "Well, it looks like someone's been busy while the rest of us were at school." "Well, you gotta stay busy if you wanna be a rainmaker." "I've been researching story pitches like crazy." "And I think Larissa's into it, too." "She hasn't asked me to make her a cappuccino once today." "(Chuckles)" "You got here fast." "Uh, yeah." "I skipped last period to get the early train." "Because every second I spend in the suburbs, I'm like," ""Calgon, take me away."" "(Chuckles) How about you, my budding literary lion?" "How's the pitch coming?" "Well, I think I finally narrowed it down from the ten topics I started with to something I'm really excited about..." "Adam Weaver." "The young playwright I've been reading about in Arts  Leisure?" "I hate him." "He's gonna win a Tony before most people even graduate from college." "I know." "My new school writing class talks of nothing else." "I mean, he's so inspiring." "Or calculating." "Writing about a dead brother?" "It's guaranteed a nomination at least." "That is so sad and depressing." "Or profound." "Or a total lie, made up so he can win an award." " That's awful." " Or the truth. (Scoffs)" "That's why my piece on him is going to be so amazing." "I'm going to get to the bottom of Adam Weaver's story." "Hey, Blake." "Why you slumming down here in editorial?" "Looking to borrow a cute outfit from the fashion closet?" "With my expense account, I don't need to borrow." "Ugh." "You're so lucky." "I'm Blake." "Walt." "I feel like I've seen you a lot here recently, in the elevator and stuff." "You new here?" "Sadly, I'm just an "Interview" groupie." "Oh, don't sell yourself short." "You really shouldn't, because you are adorable." " Huh?" " Say what?" "I mean, you are, but..." "I think Blake here is trying to ask you out." "Am I right?" "You are correct." "(Chuckles) While all eyes were on Walt, my sister was excited to have no eyes on her." "I love it that we have the place to ourselves." "(Giggles)" "You know what I don't love?" "Your tiny bed." "Oh." "I can fix that." "You comin'?" "(Sighs)" "So..." "Was that as weird for you as it was for me?" "Because it was really weird for me." "Well, it wasn't exactly comfortable." "But rules are rules, and I've always said we're not exclusive." "So you think I should go out with him?" "(Scoffs) It's your call." "And I'd be a hypocrite if I said "no."" "And if you wanna go out with some guy who wears a suit and sells ads for a living, who am I to stop you?" "(Dog barking in distance, telephone rings)" "(Ring, beep)" "Hello?" "Oh, hey, Mrs. Kelly." "My dad's in Augusta, huh?" "Guess he's really into golf lately." "No, don't worry about me." "I'll be fine." "I know the drill." "Mm-hmm." "Found it." "No problem." "Hey, I gotta go." "Don't wanna be late." "(Telephone beeps)" "(Sighs)" "(Backpack thuds)" "(Sighs deeply)" "As Sebastian was kicking back, I was digging in. (Click)" "So what do you think?" "What do I think?" "I think he is 19," "I think he's dealt with death and is properly gorgeous, which means he's right up your alley." "I never said he's gorgeous." "Well, you should." "What's wrong with you?" "Didn't you see his picture in last Sunday's Arts  Leisure section?" "Scrumptious." "(Exhales deeply)" "Larissa, he's not a piece of candy." "I'd swallow him whole." "Great." "The only problem is your playwright is already the talk of the town." "There are pieces on him all over..." "Including "Talk Of The Town."" "So what would make yours any different?" "Well, all the pieces on him are profiles, but no one's ever done a full-on interview." "Hmm." "You know, where they get the really juicy stuff." "Interesting." "I'm working on getting tickets to his reading at... at the drama warehouse next week." "All right, my plucky little princess." "You get me a juicy interview, and I will publish it." "That's great." "One thing, though." "In all your meticulous research, you doubtless already know that your 19-year-old wunderkind has become somewhat infamous for not granting interviews." "Yes." "Of course I knew that." "Then you obviously have a plan for crossing that bridge." "Fantastic!" "I can't wait to read all the dirt you're gonna dig up." "And please, darling, make it filthy..." "So filthy I'll need a long, hot shower." "Yes, for sure." "I'll..." "I'll be like a pig in mud, it'll be so filthy and dirty." "Mmm!" "Delicious." "I knew then the boundary between intern and writer was going to be a tough one to cross." "Really tough." "I haven't stood this long in a line since I waited for my Shawn Cassidy tickets." "He was so cute." "Is so cute." "I loved him in "The Hardy Boys."" "You know, I'm so glad Larissa isn't coming, 'cause now I don't have to admit to her that I have no idea how I'm gonna get an interview with that Weaver kid." "I knew it!" "Carrie, you can't fool a pro." "And I should probably warn you," "I might have a better shot of landing the interview" " than you do." " What do you mean?" "Um, hello!" "Adam Weaver is witty, hot, and in touch with his emotions, not to mtion he works in the theater." "Does it ring any bells?" "He's got to be gay, which means I'm the one with the in." "Wait." "Y-you'd work that angle with him?" "Honey, I'd work any angle to get a good story." "Wow." "So you'd even try to sleep with someone for an interview?" "What?" "No." "What..." "Who said that?" "Sleeping with the subject of a piece is a strict no-no." "However, a little flirting never hurt anyone." "May the best writer win." "Remind me again why I invited you to come with me." "(Laughs)" "It's strange, right?" "I mean, it's one thing for..." "(Lowered voice) Bennet... (Normal voice) To say we're not exclusive." "But you should've seen him practically daring me to go out with this guy." "If Bennet is stupid enough that he actually wants you to date other people, then you definitely should." "But what if I don't want to?" "Too bad!" "Suck it up and do it." "You scare me sometimes, Mouse." "Sometimes I scare myself." "(Laughs) What are you talking about?" "Oh." "Guys." "Walt was just asking..." "Sebastian." "It was just about Sebastian." "Um, what about him?" "I... haven't seen him in school recently." "Is he sick or something?" "You're right." "He hasn't been in modern European history all week." "Or in español." "I mean, not... not that I've been looking." "But since you mentioned it..." "I think." "Or... whatever." "(Bell rings) (Chuckles)" "Anyway, I've gotta go." "American history beckons with its suckitude." " Mm." " Later." "Bye." "Okay, what was that about?" "We weren't even talking about Sebastian." "I know." "Sorry." "I panicked." "I just didn't think Maggie was ready to hear about me dating two guys." "You know?" "Ah, got it." "Good question about Sebastian, though." "I wonder where he is." "("Ground theme" from "Super Mario Bros." Playing)" "(Scoffs)" "♪" "(Beep)" "(Mouths words)" "Hey there, Mrs. Robinson." "Any interest in some fun?" "(Woman) Troy, we loved you so much, and we know how much you loved Cayuga Lake." "(Waves crashing)" "That is why we're here, scattering your ashes on the water that meant so much to you." "(Clattering)" "(Seagulls crying)" "(Clattering continues)" "(Metal clanks)" "(Laughs softly)" "(Water lapping)" "(Whispers) Sorry." "I'm..." "just... sorry." "(Chuckles softly)" "(Box thuds)" "(Metal clanks) (Laughing)" "(Audience murmuring) (Woman) You are more than just your remains, Troy." "You are the memories left behind." "Shh." "(Exhales)" "(Chuckles softly) You are all the things that you loved... (Voice breaks) Like cheeseburgers." "(Laughs)" "(Audience murmuring) (Sobs) And Farrah Fawcett..." "Majors." "(Laughing softly)" "(Sobs)" "(Continues laughing)" "I have to say, you've impressed me, Tom." "Last time Credit Suisse had dealings with Long  Whitney, your buddy Harlan, frankly, left a bad taste in our mouths." "Oh, let me guess." "He, uh, took off for Vegas, hit the strip clubs, and then billed you for the hours." "No." "He must've done that with Lehman." "(Laughs)" "With us, he ran off to Saint-Tropez." "Well, all I can do is assure you that with me, things will be different." "I can see that, and I like the fact that you ran your own small-town firm." "Frankly, we could use that kind of service." "What the hell?" "Tom, you've sold me." "That is fantastic news." "You won't be disappointed." "(Sets down briefcase)" "Listen, here is..." "My home number, my cellular phone." "You call me anytime." "I'll either be at work or in Connecticut or somewhere in between, not Saint-Tropez." "While my dad had made a great impression," "I was worried I'd made a terrible one." "Why did I have to laugh?" "I'm almost impressed." "I never would've imagined you had such a sadistic sense of humor." "Uh-oh." "There's Adam Weaver now." "I'm not sadistic." "I just..." "couldn't help myself." "Well, you need to decide whether you want to be noticed or not, because Weaver is staring right at you." "(Indistinct conversations)" "Oh, no." "Maybe I should just make a run for it." "If it were me," "I'd start by apologizing and asking him for forgiveness, which he probably won't, so you better hope that Larissa doesn't send you to Siberia, which means you'll be making her cappuccinos every day." "I already make her cappuccinos every day." "Well, you won't if you get this interview." " Oh, he's coming this way." "(Whispers)" " Oh, God." "Good luck." "Oh." "Oh, God." "Okay." "You're the one who laughed, aren't you?" "During the funeral scene." "I'm sorry." "I know it was inappropriate." "Uh..." "The truth is, it... it reminded me of my mother's funeral." "Um, I laughed there, too, which was even more inappropriate." "Really?" "I can't watch this." "It had been a long day." "We were all just exhausted, drained, and, uh, then it's time to lower the coffin." "And this is it." "You know, my mother is about to disappear into the ground forever." "And then..." "Thunk!" "It won't fit..." "Her coffin." "The... the hole's too small." "But for some reason, these guys, they just... they won't give up." "It's a funeral, you know, so they... they probably just think they're being respectful." "So we're all just standing around as it goes thunk, thunk, thunk, thunk, thunk, thunk!" "(Laughs)" "And at some point, it just seemed ridiculous, so that's why I laughed." "I-I've been there, and... and it's awful, but..." "So awful it's... it's kind of funny. (Chuckles nervously)" "I loved that you laughed." "The scene is supposed to be funny." "(Laughs) None of these other phony dimwits picked up on that." "They were so busy thinking about how it's... it's a funeral." "It's supposed to be sad." "How could it possibly be funny, too?" "(Chuckles) Yeah, my producer thinks I should change it." "No, don't." "It's perfect." "I'm not going to, as long as one person who truly understands gets it." "And the rest of these people can kiss my grits." "Wait." "Are you an "Alice" fan?" " Totally. (Laughs)" " Oh. (Laughs)" "(Forces laugh)" "(Chuckles)" "Adam Weaver, but everyone just calls me "Weaver."" "Carrie Bradshaw." ""Interview" magazine." "I was hoping I'd get a chance to talk to you." "Well, some of us are headed to McSorley's to grab a drink." "You wanna come?" "Yeah, I'd love to." "Great." "Looks like I was one step closer to my story." "(The Kats' "King Of The Wild Frontier" playing)" "Seriously?" "They didn't let women in here until when?" "1970. 15 years ago." "Although judging by the sawdust on the floor," "I'm betting women weren't exactly beating down the door to get in here." "I-I hadn't thought of that." "(Both laugh)" "You know, it does... it does smell a little like a stale frat house in here." "A little?" "(Chuckles)" "Well, let me ask you a question about the play." "Or we could play a drinking game." "Like quarters?" "Come on, Adam." " Weaver." " Weaver." "You do realize that's about the tenth time you've changed the subject when I've tried to talk to you about you?" "Mm-hmm." "How come you've never given an interview?" "I-I'm sure people are beating down your door." "Trampling it." "Uh..." "I'm the toast of the town, or so I've heard." "So why not let people know you, hear what you have to say?" "Well, every... everything I wanna say is... is in my plays, and with a lot more time for editing." "All right, Carrie Bradshaw, here's my deal." "If you tell me something personal about you, then I'll think about telling you something personal about me." "That doesn't sound fair." "Mm, my game, my rules." "Okay, one personal story from Carrie Bradshaw." "Keep it real." "And... go." "I'm trying to interview you." "(Chuckles) You don't need to know anything about me." "Now see, that's where you're wrong." "I am desperate to learn more." "You're making this very confusing." "I'm very good at that." "Every time I tried to establish my boundaries," "Weaver kept moving his around." "(Clink)" "Oh, hey, Barbara." "What are you still doing here?" "It's almost 9:00 on Friday night." "You know I work for Harlan, right?" "It's almost the weekend." "Those don't exist in my world." "What about you?" "Any fun weekend plans?" "My, uh, girlfriend and her son are coming over, and they're gonna meet my girls for the first time." "Uh-oh." "When worlds collide." "When my kids met my ex-boyfriend Donny, there was a lot of drinking and a hospital visit involved." "Good luck with that." "Oh, almost forgot." "How'd it go with Credit Suisse?" " Waste of time?" " Nope." "I landed the account." "(Chuckles)" "Seriously?" "I thought Harlan pretty much blew it with them after he ran off to Saint-Tropez." "Or was that the time with the strippers?" "I don't know." "Anyway, how'd you turn them around?" "You must be a pretty good liar." "Mm, no lying involved." "I just made it clear that I'd be more available to 'em than Harlan was." "(Scoffs) Well, that wouldn't be hard." "Yeah, gaem my home phone number and, uh, told 'em I'd pretty much be there for them 24/7." "That kind of sealed the deal." "That sealed something, all right... your fate." "What do you mean?" "Firms like them... they are not your neighbors or your friends." "They won't think twice about eating your life up." "Harlan might be lazy and occasionally ethically questionable, but he knows how to set boundaries." "He won't give his home number to anyone, not even his girlfriends." "Anyway, good luck this weekend." "Hope you don't have to cancel your plans." "(Chuckles nervously)" "For a kid who has the dream life, you don't seem so happy." "What happened to keeping it casual?" "Honey, I'm a bored housewife." "At least let me live vicariously." "It's not that exciting." "Please." "I'm sure the girls at your school are all over you." "No, not the one that matters." "What happened?" "You cheat?" "Men always cheat." "Said by the bored housewife in bed with me." "That's different." "I'm ignored, so he deserves it." "I'm not complaining." "So how'd you screw it up with her?" "I hurt her." "It seemed like I was always hurting her." "I didn't want to do that anymore, so I let her go." "Is that your weak excuse for not wanting to be faithful?" "No, it's the truth." "I just want her to be happy." "Wow." "You must really be in love with this girl." "Maybe for the rest of my life." "Does it get any easier?" "Not really." "Mnh-mnh." "Maybe a few distractions will help." "(Sting) ♪ Free, free, set them free ♪ ♪ Oh, oh" "♪ free, free, set them free" "♪ if you need somebody" "♪ free, free, set them free so back to your play..." "Ugh." "You are relentless." "(Laughs)" "Did you write the funeral scene exactly as it happened in real life, or did you embellish?" "♪ Do the same do you wanna know, or is it just for your story?" "Both." "Is that bad?" "♪ And throw away the key" "I didn't embellish." "I mean, if anything, I actually left some of the worst bits out." "It got worse than what we saw?" "That was pretty grim." "♪ If you love..." "Are we off the record?" "♪ Somebody ♪ if you love..." "Yes." "Off the record." "My mom did dump several boxes of ashes and all the things she could grab from my brother's room, including Farrah." "But unlike the play, I didn't hold it together." "You cried?" "No." "I..." "laughed my ass off." "Pretty much like you did." "I couldn't help it." "I mean, the whole thing just..." "just felt ridiculous." "♪ Free, free, set them free" "I also left out the part where..." "My dad punched me in the face for mocking his golden boy's death." "Wow." "Yeah. (Chuckles)" "Yeah, we haven't talked since." "I figured even the phony nitwits would find that too dark." "♪" "I'm sorry." "I mean, my family and I went through a lot after my mom died, but we still had each other." "I can't even imagine." "♪ If you love somebody" "♪ if you love someone this is definitely off the record." "Definitely." "I was crossing a boundary." "But at that moment, i suddenly didn't care." "♪ Set them free" "♪ free, free, set them free" "Larissa, I think I made a terrible mistake." "But I heard you two were getting cozy and then left together." "I thought you'd have got some really juicy stuff." "No." "Uh, yeah, it... it was cozy and, um, juicy." "I mean, he told me some stuff." "Phenomenal!" "Off the record." "Boo!" "But not to worry." "There are ways 'round that." "We can imply, which is almost better than the truth." "W..." "look, I-I don't know if we can use any of it." "See, I, um..." "I might have... sort of, uh... (Sighs) kissed Weaver." "I know." "I know." "I'm so sorry." "I crossed the line." "It's a huge conflict of interest." "Isn't it?" "Darling, your sense of morals is adorable." "But if you're having fun and it helps you land a great story, then go with it!" "It's win-win, plus you'll get much juicier stuff this way." "So go kiss him again and see what he says." "Or better still, sleep with him." "And make sure he's on the record this time." "(Doorbell rings)" "Uh, I-I gotta go." "My dad's girlfriend is here." "Ciao." "(Beep)" "Okay, great." "Carrie, you're here." "And..." "All right." "Here we go." "(Video game beeping)" "Hi." "Deb." "(Deep voice) Dylan!" "(Chuckles) So glad you guys could make it." "Come on in." "Hi." "I'm Carrie." "It is so nice to finally meet you." "And you must be Dorrit." "Must be." "(Beeping continues)" "Uh, everyone, this is Dylan." " Say hello, Dylan." " Hello Dylan." "(Laughs) (Laughs)" "(Chuckles nervously) Oh, God." "We're not gonna have to do any "Brady Bunch" crap, are we?" "Because you can count me out." "(Chuckles) Well, I always imagined our two families meeting would be more "Godfather" style." "Although I sure hope no one ends up with a horse's head in their bed." "(Laughs)" "We might just get along." "(Doorbell rings)" "Maggie, what are you doing here?" "I was in the neighborhood babysitting." "Oh, gee, this is a nice place." "So what's up with the visit?" "(Door closes)" "Oh, just noticed you were out." "Thought you might be sick, but clearly you're not." "So..." "All right, well, it was cool of you to stop by." "Look, if you want company or something..." "Is that the Chinese food?" "Oh." "I didn't realize you were with somebody." "Uh, neither did I." "Um..." "Wow." "I didn't realize you were so busy." "I should get going." "See you around." "All right, see you later." "(Door closes)" " Was that your girl?" " No." "'Cause that one definitely has a crush on you." "Yeah, whatever." "She's just bored." "Trust me." "The long looks?" "The fast exit?" "She likes you." "Bennet." "Oh." "Hey." " What are you doing here?" " At "Interview"?" "I work here." "(Chuckles) I thought we established that by now." "I know you work here." "It's just... it's the weekend." "And I'm on a deadline." "It's the only reason I'm here on a Saturday." "So..." "what are you doing here?" "I'm..." "supposed to meet Blake." "But I never would've agreed to meet him here had I known that you..." "Don't worry about it." "It's fine." "We're not exclusive." "It's..." "that's how it works." "Right." "Right." "It's all cool here." "Yep." "The coolest." "Um, so where you guys going anyway?" "We're going to dinner at the Silver Hen." "In Soho?" "That place is nice." "I guess." "I don't know." "He picked it." "It's pricey, too." "It's the kind of place you'd go on a real date date." "Which it is." "Right?" "Right." "Hey." "Sorry I'm late." "No problem." "Hey, Bennet." "You... okay?" "Yeah." "I'm great." "Never better." "You ready?" "Yes." "Have fun." "(Beeping)" "(Mouth full) Is everyone good?" "'Cause I can make a salad if anybody wants a salad." "(Beeping continues)" "Dad?" "You're trying too hard." "It's embarrassing... (Lowered voice) For you." "I'm gonna make a salad." "So, um, your dad tells me you got your first big writing assignment at the magazine." "Yeah, my... my boss has been really cool." "She lets me come up with my own ideas" " and then pitch them to her." " That's amazing." "You know, you're pretty together for someone your age." "Oh." "Thank you." "Dylan, honey, take a bite of your pizza, okay?" "(Beeping continues)" "I'm talking to you." "No, I hate pizza." "I only want tater tots." "Um, I don't think we have any tater tots, but my dad is making a salad." "Tater tots!" "(Error sound plays)" "It's okay." "I come prepared." "(Beeping resumes)" "He won't eat anything else." "Ketchup!" "So..." "My God, "Interview" magazine." "I used to read that all the time when I was younger." "It's really hard to find up here nowadays, though." "I have some copies upstairs if... you want them." "Yeah, that'd be great." "I'd love that." "Okay." "(Beeping stops)" "(Beeping resumes)" "While I was upstairs trying to score points with my dad's new girlfriend..." "I discovered that someone else was scoring... in my room." "Dorrit!" " Have you seen this before?" " No." "Maybe it's yours." "Oh, right." "You're not having any sex." "The question is, are you?" "Uh, yeah." "Duh." "What did you think?" "Well, I thought maybe you were, but I didn't know." "Now I do." "You should just be glad we're being safe." "I am." "But I'm not so happy that ya did it in my room." "Did you do it on my bed?" "(Scoffs) You had sex on my bed?" "You better have changed the sheets." "We put down a towel." "Ew!" "Just take a chill pill." "I will not take a chill pill!" "You have seriously crossed the line here, Dorrit." "Oh, my God." "You guys have a rubber?" "♪ Rubber, rubber, rubber, you have a rubber ♪" "(Whispers) Shut up, you little twerp!" "She didn't mean that, sweetie." "It's just, we don't want you misunderstanding what you saw and telling someone." "Maybe I will." "Maybe I won't." "We'll see." "Hey!" "Don't touch those!" "(Closes drawer) You better be a lot nicer to me if you don't want me telling my mommy and your dad about the rubber." "(Lowered voice) Would you please stop saying "rubber"?" "Then I need something in return." "I wanna see jugs." "J-u-g-g-s." " And I wanna see 'em now." " Not that this matters, because this whole conversation is completely disgusting, but there's only one "g" in "jugs."" "Um, "boob juggs" have two g's." "I don't want to talk about this anymore." "So then you gonna show 'em to me or what?" "Dorrit!" "What?" "I don't care if some pervy kid sees boobs." "You are, under no circumstances, showing that pervy little kid your boobs." "So what should we do?" "(Door creaks)" "We're going to kill him." "Okay." "I like this plan better." "Do you know what a wedgie is, Dylan?" "Did you know you can get a wedgie so bad, it can actually kill you?" "No, it can't." "This kid I knew, his nuts just went... pop!" "Like grapes." "So you better keep your mouth shut about the rubber." "And if you don't?" "Pop." "Pop." "(Door creaks)" "(Snickers)" "(Sighs) We better follow him." "Who knows what he's gonna tell mommy." "Mm." "I was just looking for the bathroom, and they said they were going to kill me!" "With a wedgie." "Uh, Dylan, sweetie, you're not making this up, are you?" "No." "They said it." "No, we didn't." "We did." "Um..." "What we're trying to say is we told Dylan a story about a kid who "supposedly" died from a wedgie." "Um, it's just urban myth." "We heard it when we were his age." "Thought he would think it was funny." " We were just trying to..." " You know, bond." "You know how it is, kids that age." "It's all about the wedgie." "Isn't it?" "At least we thought it was." "Yeah, we... we were just trying to make him laugh." "That's not true!" "There are a lot of truths that can be told today, Dylan." ""Jugg" -fulls." "Clearly, we got off on the wrong foot." "So why don't we start over?" "Um, we have all the fixings for a sundae bar in the kitchen." "You wanna go get some ice cream?" "That could be nice." "Dylan, what do you think?" "Okay." "Okay." "(Exhales deeply)" "There's something weird about that." "I don't... my girls would never threaten anyone." "Well, Dorrit maybe, but not Carrie." "Yeah, I, uh, I don't know, Tom." "I mean, the girls seem lovely and all..." "Elephone rings)" " But Dylan never lies." "Ever." "(Carrie)" " Hello?" "Um, dad, it's for you." " Who is it?" " Some guy from Credit Suisse." "Oh." "Okay." "I'm so sorry." "I have to take this." "Tom, it's Harvey from Credit Suisse." "Jeremy gave me your number." "Hope this isn't a bad time." "No, no, no." "No, it's fine." "Anytime you need me, I'm right here." "Great, because I have some questions about the upcoming deal." "Sure." "I'm yours." "Go ahead." "(Line clicks) (Dylan, singsongy) I saw a rubber!" "Rubber, rubber, rubber!" "Boobies, boobies, boobies!" "I'm sorry." "Was that on your line?" "Juggs with two g's!" "(Laughs)" "Hey, uh, Dylan?" "Buddy?" "Do you think maybe you could get off the phone?" "You should probably go deal with that." "No, no, it's fine." "I can still, uh... (Making farting noises)" "(Laughs) Okay, you know what?" "Uh, Harvey, I gotta go." "(Telephone beeps and thuds)" "You've never been to South of the border?" "That place on 95 with the big sombrero out front?" "Yeah, my family and I have passed it on our way to Hilton head, but it..." "(Chuckles) Looks so tacky." "It's not tacky..." "Kitschy and awesome." "(Siren wailing in distance) I have 20 shot glasses from there." "I'm very proud of my collection." "And you should be." "Walt!" "Walt!" "Bennet?" "What are you doing here..." "at the restaurant?" "Waiting for you." "What took you so long?" "We walked here." "Why do you care?" "I care because..." "I don't want Walt to go on this date." " Huh." " What?" "Okay, can someone please tell me what's going on here?" "Well, I-I'm sort of dating Walt." "Wait." "You're dating Bennet?" "Why didn't you tell me?" "Uh, as Bennet knows, we're not exclusive." "So as far as I'm aware, I'm not doing anything wrong." "Right." "No." "Of course you aren't." "Okay, there's obviously something going on with you two, and, quite frankly," "I don't like being put in the middle of it." "Blake, wait." "Look, you're cute, but I don't need some sort of psycho office romance drama." "That's Larissa's job." "(Footsteps depart)" "What do you think you're doing?" "If you had a problem with me dating someone, then you should've said something." "And P.S., you're the one who told me to go out with him in the first place." "Look..." "You're completely right." "And I know I acted crazy." "But the thought of... of you dating someone else?" "It drove me crazy." "Because..." "I-I wanna be exclusive." "Well, why didn't you just say that?" "I didn't even want to go on a date with that guy." "I don't want you going on dates with anyone." "Except you, I hope." " Except me." " Yeah. (Chuckles)" "Is that okay?" "If we're exclusive?" "(Video game beeping)" "Okay, Deb, are you gonna say it or am I?" "We need to talk about our kids." "Yes." "Absolutely." "I'm so relieved." "(Chuckles) I have been standing here, stewing, wanting to get this off my chest." "I'm so glad you're as worried about it as I am." "Well, if we wanna make things work between us, something has to be done." "Right." "Good." "So what are you gonna do about Carrie and Dorrit?" "What?" "That... that is what we're talking about, isn't it?" "They were really mean to Dylan." "You saw that, right?" "(Stammers)" "You're serious?" "Tom." "(Scoffs) Obviously, your girls are a little immature." "Talking about wedgies?" "(Sighs)" "Now I'm..." "I'm not calling you a bad parent." "I-I'm just saying, we need to make sure this never happens again." "My girls are immature?" "Your son got on the phone when I was in the middle of a business call," " and made fart noises." "He..." " Shh!" "(Lowered voice) Tom, he's right in the next room." "You're gonna hurt his feelings." "And also, he's 11." "Your girls are 15 and 17, and they should know better." "I can't believe you're making excuses for his behavior." "And I can't believe you can't handle the littlest bit of constructive criticism about your daughters." "You know what?" "I think maybe we need to have a bigger discussion." "I don't know how my dad is gonna work it out with Deb, or how I can ever see that kid again and not knee him in the nuts." "(Laughs)" "I'll tell you who surprised me, though... my sister." "Sleeping with her boyfriend in your bed?" "Oy." "Don't remind me." "(Siren wailing in distance)" "Dorrit and I had been fighting, but then we bonded when we had this common enemy." "There we were, working together." "It just was nice to see we could still be sisters united when we needed to be." "You know?" "I never had anything like that with my brother." "Never?" "I-I know you're not supposed to speak ill of the dead, but... as far as my brother was concerned," "I was the competition." "He... he pretty much lived to put me down." "Well, he probably just thought you were better than him and felt threatened." "Oh, I was never a threat." "(Laughs)" "I mean, Robby always got all the attention." "You know, the golden boy." "The star athlete, great student, totally full of himself." "And I was just his stupid little brother." "No one seemed... no one seemed to care about me, or even noticed me." "(Car horns honking)" "And... now he's dead, and I got famous writing a play about him." "Death equals a Tony, so they say." "I mean, his... his death made me, and I don't even miss him." "All I feel is good, that finally... (Exhales)" "Finally people are noticing me." "That kind of makes me a monster, doesn't it?" "(Voice breaks) I am." "I'm..." "I'm a monster." "No." "No, you're not." "You're not, okay?" "You aren't." "You aren't." "As Weaver's emotional walls tumbled," "I knew I could never write his story." "For what it's worth, dad, I really did like Deb." "I'm sorry it didn't work out." "Me, too." "She was pretty cool." "Thanks." "Yeah, there's just no way that I could be with someone who was that delusional about her own kid." "But don't think that means I'm letting you two off the hook." "What really happened upstairs?" "Spill." "We might've told him we were gonna give him a wedgie." "A really bad one." "But he totally deserved it." "He was going through my underwear drawer." "And he asked to look at our private parts." "Okay, okay, okay." "Look, I know that you two aren't perfect, and I am not the best dad on earth." "But let's face it." "That kid was a complete jackass." "(Both laugh)" "And a wedgie is a perfectly acceptable punishment for that kind of behavior." "(All laugh) (Telephone rings)" "Hello?" "(Lowered voice) It's Jeremy from Credit Suisse." "(Whispers) Jeremy." "(Carrie) One sec." "Jeremy, hi." "Hi." "I-I've been, um, meaning to call to apologize." "Yes." "I heard Harvey had quite the call with you." "Yeah." "I-I could not be more embarrassed." "Um, I tried calling him several times, but I guess he... he must've left the office." "Now listen, I'm sure you're rethinking your decision to go with us, but I promise you," "I could not be more committed to the account." "Tom, don't worry." "I'm not mad." "I get it." "I have a total pain in the ass son, too." "Oh." "You do?" "Yes." "Threw a firecracker at my boss' dog at his 4th of July party." "We oughta get our horrible boys together sometimes." "Okay, that sounds great." "We'll, uh, we'll take 'em to a game or something." "Great idea." "I'll check with my secretary and set up a date." "Oh." "Okay." "Yeah." "Well, you bring your son, and I'll bring... my son." "Okay." "All right, great." "I'll talk to you soon." "(Receiver hangs up)" "Do you have any idea where I might rent a 12-year-old to pretend to be my kid?" "Uh..." "Way to establish boundaries there, dad." "I think we might need to get an unlisted number." "(Indistinct conversations)" "Hey, you're back." "What happened?" "Did you get bored with your bimbo?" "No." "My dad came home, not that it's any of your business." "You kind of made it my business." "No, I didn't." "You just showed up at my house." "Whatever." "You weren't exactly hiding it." "Are you gonna tell Carrie?" "I haven't made up my mind yet." "I'm still in love with her, and I don't want to hurt her." "You're still in love?" "You have a funny way of showing it." "You of all people should know life is more complicated than that." "Well, my complications are over." "I'm ready to be with somebody my own age." "(Telephone ringing in distance)" "Carrie!" "How's my article coming?" "What has your pillow talk revealed?" "Secret siblings?" "Drug problem?" "I'm dying to read it, darling!" "Actually, I... decided not to finish the piece." "(Exhales) Ohh." "(Pats desktop)" "He wouldn't tell you anything." "(Whispers) Yeah." "Okay, just... (Sighs) Just keep trying." "No, he told me plenty." "Uh, but none of it's stuff I'd feel comfortable revealing." "Why on earth not?" "Because I actually feel like I might like him." "Opportunities like this don't just fall into your lap, you know." "I offered you a place to write, and you're gonna give it up for a boy?" "The world is full of boys." "I know." "But don't worry." "I-I'm not giving anything up." " I still have tons of ideas to pitch to you." " You know what?" "I just don't think it's gonna happen for you right now." "But be a luv and go make me a cappuccino, will you?" "(Talking Heads) ♪ Well, we know where we're going ♪" "I knew what that meant." "♪ But we don't know where we've been ♪" "It meant I was banished to Siberia." "♪ And the future is certain apparently, drawling a line was going to cost me at "Interview."" "♪ Work it out" "♪" "But for the moment, I didn't care." "♪ Yeah" "♪ we're on a road to nowhere, come on inside ♪" "Being with Weaver felt so right, that whatever the consequences, it was worth it." "♪ To nowhere" "♪ we'll take that ride" "♪ we're on a road to paradise" "♪ here we go" "♪ here we go" "♪" "♪ we're on a road to nowhere"