"And this week's hall of shame award goes to Dr. Rockso, the rock and roll clown, arrested again." "This time for robbing the home offices of Holiday" "Homeless Shelters." "Rockzo was apprehended with $80 that he intended to use to purchase, you guessed it, cocaine." "Nice one, Rockzo." "Hey Toki, looks like your friend is really fuckin' up again." "He's not my friend." "I've sworn him off." "You always help out that dumb clown." "But not's no more." "I realize dats helpins him is what show my weakness." "Dats why I'm takings" "Alsinons meetins." "Alanon?" "Oh wait, is that like narcotics anonymous?" "Nopes it's likes a things where yous learns nots to helps out dumb selfish assholes clowns who ams tries to takes advantage of you." "Well there you go." "Mail time!" "Oh fuck we got a DVD from our fuckin' moms again." "Fuck." "I hate that they have iMovie." "Hey honey, we all just wanted to say we miss you." "None of you call any of us." "And it's Christmas time." "What if we died?" "Yeah!" "What if we fuckin' died?" "Then how'd you feel?" "Yah, hows would yous felt if we's dies?" "Ohhhhh." "Oh, mama." "Geez Skwisgaar, your mom really knows how to put on the Christmas cheer." "He he he." "Anyway, call us." "Bye!" "Oh and we'll be there for Christmas!" "# Doodily ding dong tick-tock #" "# Dethklok!" "Dethklok!" "Dethklock!" "Dethklok!" "#" "I don't like that our mothers hang out without us there." "Huh huh." "I don't likes dat neither." "It feels like some kind of a fuckin' threat, them like ganging up on us and shit." "It's fuckin' brutal." "They ams trying to ruins our Christmas!" "What is there to ruin?" "Fuck Christmas." "I propose we does secrets" "Santas." "Anyway, yeah, Skwisgaar," "I gotta say, you know, your mom looks uh really good for her age." "OK, fucks off." "I'm just saying." "Thanks Murderface, yah." "Why is my mom wearings thats?" "What is shes a fuckin' strippers?" "How dare you!" "That's a beautiful woman and shit." "That stuff she's wearing is classy." "You're just, something's wrong with you." "Uh Murderface?" "You wanted me to remind you about your Christmas special meeting with Dick Knubbler?" "Wait a minute?" "Christmas special?" "What the hell is that?" "I told you all about it." "I tried to involve you." "You passed." "Another half baked Murderface project." "Probably won't get past the front door." "Run by Murderface, a failure with a bad track record." "You know what?" "You guys can't be a part of my Christmas special ha ha!" "You know why?" "Because you all lack something very very important." "And I'm talking about the fuckin' Christmas spirit." "Actually that's kind of badass." "Fuckin' Christmas spirit." "Like a fuckin' ghost who kills children." "Hey!" "That's perfect for my special." "Can I use that?" "No!" "Oh come on!" "No." "If you use it I kill you." "Uhh, Murderface, you uhh still have this meeting, now." "Still." "Now." "Still." "Now." "These Christmas specials can be incredibly lucrative." "I've been talking about this with Dethklok for years but no dice." "Well, hey." "You know, we tried." "And we might not have" "Dethklok but we got someone who's practically in Dethklok." "You." "I am in Dethklok." "Hey, c'mon." "What the fuck?" "I'm a fuckin' star!" "Yes you are!" "There's the attitude." "That's what I'm talking about." "Now listen... and wait till you hear my ideas for this thing!" "No." "I'm telling you William this is gonna have to come from me." "You simply cannot be involved creatively." "It's a no go." "Okay, babe?" "What the fuck are you talking about?" "Well, okay, here's a brief list of, you know, failures to start out with." "Oh my failures." "Alright, let's start out with this one." "Number one:" "Murderface's" "Titty Time Car Wash." "I stand by that idea." "Hot chicks wash your car." "Made zero money and a series of law suits." "I never touched those fuckin' girls!" "No the lawsuits weren't against the girls they were from the drivers for vehicle damage." "Alright number two - how about the Murderface" "Planet Piss Cologne?" "What about it?" "Huge failure!" "The FDA found traces of urine in every single bottle and people broke out into painful, irreversible skin-damaging rashes." "That's the point!" "My piss is in every bottle!" "What don't you get?" "And finally we got the William Murderface home pyrotechnics kit." "I still say that's fuckin' brilliant." "Well there you go." "You get the idea." "So here's the deal, captain." "I run the show." "I tell you what to do." "You show up." "You hit your mark and read the cue cards and do what I say orrrrr - no dice." "What you mean we cants do secret Santas!" "Toki, how many times do we have to go over this?" "We don't thinks it ams metals to be nice to each others." "And I fuckins do!" "Toki, why don't you drop it?" "You're driving us fuckin' crazy." "I aints listens to you no more!" "I am going shoppings!" "Yes!" "Shoppins!" "To buy each and every ones of yous a gifts!" "And I wants to sees de looks on all your fat fuckin faces whens i gives you greats presents!" "Ha ha!" "Fucks you!" "I don't believe I've ever been spoken to like that before." "Listen, for some reason the judge has taken pity on you." "I wouldn't have." "But they're letting you out with a slap on the wrist." "What do you say about that?" "I'm k-k-k-sorry." "Dr. Rockzo want outta this place." "Dr. Rockzo gonna get his shit together." "Dr. Rockzo don't like Johnny Law looking down his nose at Dr. Rockzo." "It's k-k-k-humiliating." "A k-k-k-cocaine." "Alright, alright, alright." "As your parole officer," "I'll be checking in on you regularly alright?" "What are you doing?" "Oh!" "Oh!" "Nothing!" "Nothing!" "I'm listening baby, I'm just listening to you." "Are you snorting my coffee sweetener?" "M- maybe." "Sorry, go on." "Stop looking at me." "Keep talking." "Is there anybody you can call to help you out?" "I tried to call my friend" "T" "T" "Toki, but he wouldn't answer his c-c-c-calls." "I'll try." "I'll try again." "Alright, then first and foremost you're going to have to concentrate on getting a job." "Anything, man." "I'll do anything." "I've got to get out of this jail." "K- k-k- the world is so different since Dr. Rockso been in the lock up." "Oh k-k-k-look at all of these plastic people." "K- k-oh what is this?" "C" " C-Christmas time help needed?" "Hmmmm." "Fuckin' Toki." "Christmas trees." "Dis amment brutal." "Well, you know what?" "It's growing on me." "It's like having a rotting corpse in your house but the corpse of a tree you know?" "It's kinda badass." "And it's like dead and then to humiliate it even further by hanging ornaments all over it like fuck you." "You know when you say it like that it's makes sense." "But still, it still sucks, you know?" "Shall I burn it my lords?" "No." "Leave it." "Just throw some rotting meat on it and pour some pig's blood on it whatever you know." "It'll be bearable I guess." "Phone's ringing." "It's mine." "That's me." "Ugh." "It's my mom again." "I'll let it go to voice mail." "Ugh, when is she gonna get it?" "I fuckin' hate Christmas." "Oh that's me." "Ha, your mom calling me." "I don't like that she has your number." "Oh, that's me." "Pickle, your mom ams callings me now." "Why does she have your number?" "I don't know." "Uh, Skwisgaar your mom is calling me." "I think our mothers are trying to get in touch with us." "Can you take these phones and get us new numbers?" "Holds dis bags at once." "Yes, my Lord." "I should likes to haves a private audience with Santa Clause fors a brief moments." "And I would likes you to nots repeats whats you sees to anybodys or I will haves you alls killed." "Of course, Sire." "Yeah, of course." "Okay, Murderface." "We're going to have a conference call, alright?" "Yep." "That means a call with different people on it okay?" "Yeah, yeah I know." "Okay." "Uh, and these are the, uh," "Christmas special producers, alright?" "And you know what that means?" "Yeah, I know what that means." "We gotta wow 'em." "Splatter their fuckin' faces with zazz." "No!" "No, no, no no." "Murderface, it means you say "hello"" "and be nice, and that's all." "And I do the talking, alright?" "Do you understand me?" "Show that you understand me." "I think you have some serious control issues." "I'm asking if you understand me." "Fine!" "Jeez." "Gah, I understand." "Shake it out." "Do what I'm doing with my hands." "Shake it out." "Do it." "Do it!" "I'm shaking." "Listen Jim, Marty." "I mean this thing's in the bag." "A classic Christmas special." "Old school." "Dancers." "Excitement." "Fantastic musical bits." "It's gonna be great!" "Oh, we love it Dick!" "That's cause it's in the bag baby." "It's in the bag." "Hey our only problem is the guy- uh Mumbleface." "Is that his name?" "Uhh, actually it's Murder " "Shhhh!" "You mean our super star?" "Willy?" "Willy Murderface." "Aw yeah, he's great." "He's wonderful." "Oh, I guess we mean, is there anybody else we can get?" "Like a real name?" "You know like, anybody?" "Well, let me, let me just say this." "Sure Murderface may not be the biggest Dethklok member but you gotta realize how far this Dethklok thing go " "No, no, wait look, we get the Dethklok thing it's just Murderface." "Yeah, it's the Murderface thing." "It's just..." "Uhhh excuse me?" "Marty?" "Jim?" "This is William Murderface." "I'm on this call too." "Ha ha." "I can hear you." "I don't, I don't know if you realize that." "Then you understand our dilemma, you know?" "A lot of people just don't wanna see you host this thing." "And it's not you." "It's a Q. Ratings thing." "It's low Q ratings okay?" "Hey, guys, can I jump in real quick here?" "Maybe this is a conversation for a later time." "We all sleep on it." "Think about some stuff and uh talk tomorrow, what do you think?" "Fine." "Fine." "Fine." "In the meantime" "I'd like to sell you on me." "I have this idea - it's called the Christmas spirit, and it's this fuckin' ghost that kills children." "And it fights Nazis." "It's like the immaculate conception with a big ole hard on." "And it just swoops in on black wings." "Just sleep on that." "See you later, Jim." "Bye, Marty!" "Click!" "Ha ha ha!" "Nailed it." "You sir?" "Would you like to talk to" "Santa Claus?" "Yes mams I would like to talk to Santa Claus about my potential Christmas presents." "K- k-k-k-ho ho who wants - to k-k-k-Toki!" "Oh Dr. Rockso, yous ams Santa Claus!" "It donts makes sense." "Everyone's ready to go?" "No Toki still?" "No, he's pout-shopping for us." "Right." "Then I'll start." "Just wanna keep you abreast of what's going on." "First off." "What a kick ass fourth quarter." "Good work guys." "Boring." "Don't say kick-ass." "Just don't." "We hads to meets for dis?" "Right, so when you're making money you don't care." "Yeah." "Boy is that right." "Whats did I miss?" "Toki, why do you smell like piss and cocaine?" "Oh, dats not me." "K-k-k-m-m-m-hanukah!" "A k-k-k-k-hello!" "Master, there appears to be a potential incident in front of Mordhaus." "Hi, Nathan!" "We're here!" "Oh no." "Alright guys, looks looks like our mom's are gonna be sticking around here for a little while." "But we all have to agree on one thing - they can't have any fuckin' booze as long as they're here." "Because you remember what happened last time." "Right, Murderface?" "You know what I'm saying?" "Skwisgaar, Murderface is ogling your mother like some kind of a piece of fuckin' meat." "Yeah, I'm noticing dis." "That's why I'm drunk right now." "Uh, Toki?" "Where's Dr. Rockzo?" "He ams in my bathrooms." "He's needs a shower." "Dr. Rockzo?" "Oh, Dr. Rockzo not feeling so good." "Ohhh, give me some Christmas spirit in here." "For the records, Dr. Rockso," "I can't gets you drugs." "Thats would be enablings you." "But I loves you, even though you ams powerless." "Oh, R-R-Rockso I-I-loves you too baby." "Now you get me those fuckin' drugs or I'll fuckin' kill you!" "You hear me?" "Ah fuck!" "Our fuckin' mothers want us to take them to the mall." "It's the fuckin' worst time to go." "Fuckin' brutal." "Mom, why do you need us to drive?" "Because we want to spend time with you!" "Not your servants." "But all they're gonna do is drive!" "That's all." "They're gonna drive." "You can drive!" "Family only!" "Oh, grandma!" "I'm supposed to have a meeting for my Christmas special!" "It'll have to wait William!" "It'll have to wait." "Hey, we got an important production meeting..." "Ow!" "Ow!" "Ow!" "Don't you raise your voice to me you fuckin' little piece of shit." "Grandma, no!" "Stop!" "You just missed another spot." "How many times are you going to pass that spot?" "Where?" "Which one?" "Back there for God's sake!" "I can't see with all these people in here!" "Too late!" "You blew it!" "Oh grandma, he's just trying to drive." "Leave him alone and back off!" "We don't speak to our grandmothers that way." "Take this." "Mom!" "Don't slap Murderface!" "Quick!" "Turn!" "What the hell!" "You hit my car!" "Hey, I have four mothers telling me how to drive." "What's your excuse, asshole?" "Tell them you're sorry." "I'm sorry." "Are you leaving?" "You know something Anja?" "Now that you're single, maybe you should find your sexy side?" "Ohh, let's do a fuckin' makeover and make Anja a little sexy kitty cat!" "I do not like this." "I'm not here." "I'm some place else." "I'm on a lake in a canoe." "Some place else." "Wait a minute, I just fuckin' thought of something." "What'd you do with Rockzo while we're out?" "They gotta be something I can put up my nose." "Oh, k-k-dammit!" "They gotta be something" "Dr. Rockzo can sell for some sweet cocaine." "I need that - oh!" "Christmas gifts for Toki's pals." "A k-k-k-bingo." "Willy, you got time for a quick conference call?" "I got these guys on hold." "Hellooo." "Hello!" "How we all doing?" "Look Jim, Marty, you said you had some good news?" "Uh, actually we do." "We found financing." "Yeah, uh, but Murderface, we're anticipating, uh, rejection." "From you." "You might pass on this." "We just want to lay out the ground rules." "What?" "Hold on." "Look I just wanna make a fuckin' holiday special that's totally fuckin' metal and evil with blood and tits and fire." "Listen, you just need to know everybody declined your offer, okay?" "Except for one group that found your negativity and delinquent following a positive opportunity to get their message out there and help you and those people." "Negativity?" "Marty help me out here." "It's the church." "The Christian church wants to finance it." "And control everything." "But you're still the star and it's the, uh," "Murderface Knubbler Special don't get me wrong there." "It's still the same thing." "It's still your special." "Uhh, I mean, is there kind of an issue?" "I mean am I gonna be considered a sell-out?" "Is that a problem?" "I mean, I'm good with it." "I'm good with it too then." "There!" "We're done!" "Congratulations guys!" "K- k-k - hey man." "How much Dr. Rockso get for this slop?" "Hmm?" "Hurry up baby." "I got something to do." "Guess what?" "Cocaine." "Youuu hooooo!" "You know what I do, baby!" "And I'm doing it." "Snorting cocaine." "Hey Johnny hot dog, guess what I just did." "Cocaine!" "He didn't even answer." "Hey shoe shine boy?" "You wanna check me out there some of this here, cocaine!" "Hey Mr. Zoo animal, check this out - cocaine!" "Hey little boy with the b-b-b-balloon." "Check this out - cocaine." "Don't tell no body." "Hey Mr. Police..." "Uh oh!" "Now boys I'm pleased as pie that we are doing this together here." "Oh fuckin' man," "I mean, I'm... ha, ha, ha, uh, ha!" "I'm sorry Reverend, he's.." "like he hasn't heard someone say fuck before?" "You got booze all over your breath." "Sorry about Murderface." "Boy is he... you're supposed to be doing this for me..." "Well I understand we all got our personal quirks." "We just want to keep this thing clean and get the message of God out to your audience." "No violence, no nudity or profane language on the air." "And I got to be firm on that." "Oh absolutely." "You know Father," "I've always thought that religion is such a wonderous and magnificent sort of thingy." "You know what I'm trying to say?" "Well I'm glad you feel that way, Murderface, because if you lie to me," "I promise that God will come down from heaven and crush your soul and take away those that you love." "Eww." "Hey y'all think you can try one more time to get Dethklok involved in this thing?" "I mean we got financing." "We got financing!" "We got some money here." "We did it!" "You really sold it huh?" "Yup." "Real deal." "Did he really sell it," "Knubbler?" "Yes." "I'm impressed actually." "You guys really did it, huh?" "Yeah, you want in?" "It'll get us away from our moms?" "Check this out!" "I'm going to put our stupid, stupid mothers in the show so they feel like they're involved in our dumb lives but actually it will keep them away from us more." "Oh!" "Oh!" "Could we have secrets Santas?" "Yes, yes Toki." "You want a secret Santa?" "You got it!" "You got it!" "Oh, wowee!" "Secret Santas!" "Yeah!" "Yeah that's all great." "But you guys are gonna have to do one little thing for me." "Yeah?" "What's that?" "Tell me you're sorry." "Apologize for doubting me." "That's good enough." "I saw the look on your faces." "Apology accepted." "Now let's get to work!" "K- k-k-here I am!" "Alright guys." "The day has finally come!" "We've put so much work in this so uh.." "let's get ready to uh, do a great show!" "OK first off, we got to keep the booze away from your mothers." "They get all weird and fuckin' horny." "Don't want that, k?" "Secondly, we gotta kick this fuckin' clown off the set alright?" "Yeah fuck that guy." "I don't want that guy here fuckin' the shit up, okay?" "Thirdly, Toki you gotta get those gifts because we are doing the Secret Santa thing." "Oh, cools!" "And wish us luck." "Me and Murderface go out soon, okay!" "Live from Mordhaus!" "It's the William Murderface" "Dick Knubbler Christmas Special with special guest Dethklok!" "Welcome to the show." "Were gonna have some fun." "It's a winter magic time." "Being nice to each other!" "We're giving some gifts!" "We're standing some snow!" "It's gonna be a holiday time." "Wow, they look like a couple of fags." "This may have been a bad idea." "Right." "Where's the blood and tits that" "Murderface was talking about?" "Something weird's going on here guys." "I bring some wonderful frankensense." "Great." "That's what I got him!" "How do you like that." "We both got him the same thing." "Oh, Lord." "Hey, that's blasphemy!" "No, I mean oh Lord." "Right there!" "A miracle has been bestowed upon us this day." "I think he might've bestowed something into his diapers." "The king has truly blessed us." "Maybe he can stop blessing us." "Something's starting to smell bad." "Hello!" "There's booze in here somewhere." "They locked the booze in here!" "Somebody get me a crowbar!" "Let's get drunks!" "Let's get drunk!" "Sire, I was told that the "Secret Santa" sketch is next so you must gather your gifts." "Yeah, yeah, yeah thanks you." "Now be gones." "My gifts!" "My gifts!" "They's ams gone!" "Balloons?" "Who would leaves a ballons ons de grounds and steals alls my gifts?" "!" "Rockzo!" "Lemme in there, baby." "Dr. Rockzo wanna see the Christmas special!" "You are not allowed in here clown!" "Well, check this out." "Cocaine!" "We'll be right back to the Murderface Knubbler" "Christmas Special starring Dethklok right after these important words from our sponsor." "I wasn't picked for the team." "That's alright, son." "God loves you." "Brought to you by the church of Christian Churchology." "Wait a minute?" "This thing's sponsored..." "Church of Christian Churchology?" "The fuckin' church?" "This thing's sponsored by the... this thing's sponsored by the fuckin' church?" "Murderface!" "Looks like another wonderful but lonely Christmas eve with just you and me right, old pal." "Yup." "Looks just like the two of us again." "You know what that sound means?" "Oh the Christmas goose is finished being microwaved?" "No." "It means we have some guests." "Well hello!" "It's Dethklok's mothers!" "And they've been drinking." "Yeah, take your time staggering in." "This isn't live TV or anything." "Who'd have though Dethklok would have mothers?" "Ha." "Ha." "I'll get it!" "Wouldn't it be great if its more friendly guests?" "Why didn't you tell me this thing was sponsored by religion?" "It's not fuckin' cool, dude." "Hey, watch the f-bomb." "This is, uh, this is written." "This is written" "K-k-k-Rockzo made his way onto the lot of the Christmas party, baby." "Oh you, Rockzo!" "You fuckin' piece of shit!" "You stole the Christmas presents!" "I'll fuckin' kills you Rockzo!" "Outta my way!" "Here comes..." "Ow!" "Oh, my leg!" "Ow!" "Toki's leg!" "Look we need a doctor over here!" "My head!" "Get a fuckin' doctor over here!" "Murderface, I think your grandma's, like, hurt or something." "You should help her." "Can't you just let me enjoy this moment?" "Hey check it out Skwisgaar!" "I'm getting a hand j-j-job from your m-m-mama!" "Moms, no!" "Oh man she's got that" "Swedish grip." "Oh, it's like you playin' that guitar." "Ohhh fiddley widdley waddley hooo!" "What the fuck!" "That's my girl!" "Oh is someone having a bad" "Christmas?" "You get your hands off her or I'll..." "I'll kill you!" "You ruined my" "Christmas special!" "So uh, thanks folks for tuning in and uh, thanks for watching the Knubbler Murderface" "Christmas Special." "Roll those credits folks." "Here I k-k-k-oh!" "This is a gooooood" "Christmas party."