"Hi" " Hey" " Hey" "So, what's the final head count on my baby shower?" "About twenty?" "Couple people from work who had something else to do." "Also both of your sisters called and neither can make it." "What?" "You mean they are not coming to a social event where there's no man and no booze?" "That's shocking!" "Well, I don't care." "As long as my mom's here." "Oh, my God." "Your mother." "What?" "My mom's not gonna be here?" "Well, given that we forgot to invite her, it would be an awfully big coincidence if she was." "My God!" "It wasn't my fault." "Phoebe was in charge of the invitations." "Well I don't..." "I don't have a mother." "So often I forget that..." "Oh, give it a rest." "My mother is not coming to my baby shower?" "No." "Neither is mine." "You know what?" "Don't worry." "We'll take care of it." "We'll call her." "You just go home and get ready." "Please make sure she comes." "It's really important to me." "I mean, it's my mom." "I know, I know." "What's her number?" "I don't know." "Go." "I have my book." "Go." "Wait a minute." "If you are in charge of the invitations why am I the one who has to call her?" "Hello, Mrs. Greene." "Hi." "It's Monica Geller." "Oh, hello Monica." "Hi." "I know this is last minute, but we have decided to throw an impromptu baby shower for Rachel today." "I know." "My daughter's told me about it when they received their impromptu invitations a month ago." "I'm sorry." "I'm so sorry." "For what, dear?" "For not inviting me, or for lying about it?" "Oh my God!" "My ass is sweating." "Please, please." "Can you come?" "It's today at four." "Well, all right." "I'll see you at four." "Thank you." "Isn't it at three?" "Son of a bitch!" "F*R*I*E*N*D*S" "Hey, Joe!" "Wanna shoot some hoops?" "No, I can't go." "I'm practicing." "I got an audition to be the host of a new game show." " Cool." " That's great." "Yeah, and if I get it, by day I'll be Dr. Drake Ramoray, but by night, I'll be Joey Tribbiani." "Great." "You are gonna be perfect for this." "That's already your name." "The audition's in a couple of hours and I don't even understand the game." "You want some help?" "Really?" "That'd be great." "Hey, you guys can be the contestants." "Awesome." "Okay, I guess we can lose to junior high girls some other time." "All right." "Let's play Bamboozled." "Bamboozled?" "Yeah, isn't that a cool name?" " Yeah." " No." "Fine." "Okay." "Our first contestant is Ross Geller." "Why don't you tell us a little bit about yourself Ross?" "Well, I'm a paleontologist." "I live in New York." "I have a son, Ben." "Hi, Ben." "And..." "I said a little bit Ross." "Now, how about you Chandler?" "Well, Joey, I'm a head hunter." "I hook up out of work Soviet scientists with rogue third world nations." "Hi, Rasputin." "Excellent!" "Let's play Bamboozled." "Chandler, you'll go first." "What is the capital of Columbia?" "Bogota." "It's Bogota, but close enough." "Now, you can either pass your turn to Ross, or pick a wicked Wango card." "What does a wicked Wango card do?" "I should know that." "Let's see." "Just one moment please." "Here we are." "A wicked Wango card determines whether you go higher or lower." "Higher or lower than what?" "This is embarassing." "Can you believe how lame this is?" "I'm sorry." "I don't believe contestants are allowed to talk to each other." "Oh, I told the stripper to be here at five." "That's good, right?" "You ordered a stripper for the shower?" "That is totally inappropriate." "What?" "He's gonna be dressed as a baby." "Hi, Mrs. Greene." "I am so glad you could make it." "Yes, thank you so much." "And again, we are so sorry." "We could not feel worse about it." "Try." "There's my little girl." "She's still mad." "Yeah, I know." "Isn't it great?" "One less person we have to make small talk with." "Phoebe." "Sandra's mad at you too." "It doesn't bother you?" "Well, we've apologized twice, and I can't do any more than that." "I know you hate it when people are mad at you, but you just have to be okay with it." "Okay." "I can do that." "I gotta go powder my ass." "Look at that face." "Just like when you were in high school." "If I didn't know better, I'd say you were a cheerleader in trouble." "Come on, let's get some tea." "My, look at that." "Only three weeks to go." "Now, have you picked your nanny yet?" "Now, I don't want you to just use your housekeeper because it will just split her focus." "Well, actually, I'm not gonna use a nanny." "And I don't even have a housekeeper." "It's like you are a cave person." "Rachel." "You must get a nanny." "You don't know how overwhelming this is gonna be." "I mean, when you were a baby," "I had full time help." "I had Mrs. K." "Mrs. K." "Yeah, she was sweet." "She taught me Spanish." "I actually think I remember some of it." "Tu madre es loca." "Such a sweet woman." "Yeah, I know." "Well, how ever great she was," "I just can't afford that." "Oh, Rachel!" "What?" "I just had the greatest idea." "I'm gonna come live with you." "Wh-What?" "Oh, I'm so happy" "I'm gonna do this for my little girl." "Oh." "Look at you." "You have tears in your eyes." "Yes." "Yes I do." "All right, Ross." "You are in the lead." "Would you like to take another question, or spin the wheel of mayhem." "The wheel has not been my friend tonight, Joey." "I'll take another question." "Okay, this is gonna be tough." "Hold your breath." "It's okay, I'm ready." "No, dude." "You gotta hold your breath until you are ready to answer the question." "It's part of the game." "This is ridiculous." "He's not gonna hold..." "Okay." "What do you have a fear of if you suffer from this phobia." "Tris... ka..." "Holy cow, that's a big word." "Tris..." "Seriously." "Look at this thing, Chandler." "How do you say that?" "Let me see that." "This one right here." "Triskadekaphobia." "Fear of triscuits." "No." "Fear of the number 13." "Fear of triscuits?" "It's possible." "They have really sharp edges." "All right, Chandler, you are up." "Wait a minute." "I believe I'm entitled to use my Angel pass for a free turn." "This game makes no sense." "You know what?" "You are just upset, cause you're losing." "Oh, come on, Ross." "I think we're all losers here." "All right." "Chandler." "You can either spin the wheel or pick a goo-goo card." "Let me think." "Oh, I don't care." "You must choose, Mr. Bing." "Either, it makes no difference." "Choose." "You jackass." "I'll take a card." "Okay, you picked the gimme card." "You get all of Ross's points." "What?" "!" "This game is kinda fun." "You don't think it's a little crazy that you get all my points just because..." "I don't think the contestants are supposed to speak to each other." "Why did you invite my mother?" "What?" "She wants to move in with me and Ross to help take care of the baby?" "For how long?" "Eight weeks." "I mean I love my mother, but my God a long lunch with her is taxing." "I personally would be honored if she wanted to live with me." "She can't hear you." "But, you guys, come on." "What am I gonna do?" "Well, if you don't want your mother to move in with you, just tell her." "You are right." "You are right." "I mean, I'm about to have a baby." "I can tell my mother that I don't want her to be sleeping on my couch." "Oh my God." "She's gonna want to sleep in my bed with me." "This cannot happen." "That's right." "That is right." "You go over there and tell her you do not want her to live with you." "Do not take no for an answer." "Okay." "This is great." "Now she's gonna be mad at Rachel." "You know what?" "And I'm just gonna swoop in there and be like the daughter she never had." "I have no respect for Chandler." "All right, everybody." "It's time to open the presents!" "Yes, yes, and I think that the first gift that Rachel opens should be from the grandmother of the baby." "Because you are the most important person in this room." "And in the world." "Well..." "I don't have a gift." "Because I wasn't invited until the last minute, but thank you so much for bringing that to everybody's attention." "How about you less important people?" "Let's open your presents." "Mom, it's okay that you didn't get me a gift." "Well, I kinda did." "Me." "Eight weeks of me." "Yeah." "Okay." "Hey, mom." "The truth is I can do this on my own." "Sweetheart." "I know you are gonna be a terrific mom." "I just think you need a little help, especially at the beginning." "But mom, I really know what I am doing." "I can handle this." "Honey, remember Twinkles?" "It was a hamster." "I'm not gonna vacuum up my baby." "Okay, come on, Rache." "It's present time." "You know, you are the glue holding this whole party together." "Kinda falling apart here." "Oh, look." "Wow." "This is from your friends at work." "Oh, my gosh." "Oh, wow." "Oh, I know what this is." "Wait a minute." "That can't be right?" "Is that a beer bong for a baby?" "Darling." "That's a breast pump." "Did I say I was done guessing?" "Okay." "Thank you for that." "Oh, wow." "What's this?" "It's a diaper genie." "Oh." "It dispenses clean diapers." "No, it's where you put the dirty ones." "Oh, that's gross." "Why don't you just take it outside, and throw it in a dumpster?" "Oh, you are gonna do that ten times a day?" "What?" "It goes ten times a day?" "What are we feeding this baby?" "Indian food?" "No, dear." "That's what babies do." "Rachel." "Listen to your mother." "She is very smart." "Plus, what are you planning on doing with the baby, while you are plotting out to the garbage ten times a day?" "I don't know." "I'd live it on the changing table." "What?" "What did I do?" "What did I do?" "You can't leave a baby alone." "Of course." "I know that." "I mean, of course you never leave a baby alone." "I mean... she wouldn't be safe." "Not as safe as she would be with me, the baby dummy." "You know what?" "Opening the presents is a little overwhelming right now, so I think I'm just gonna maybe open them all a little bit later, but thank you all for coming, and for these beautiful gifts." "And this basket is beautiful." "It's actually a bassinet." "Okay, mommy, don't ever leave me." "In what John Houston film, would you hear this line?" "Badges?" "we don't need no stinking badges." "Treasures of the Sierra Madre." "Correct." "There's a possible backwards bonus." "Madre Sierre the of Treasures." "Yes!" "What?" "I'd like to go up the ladder of chances to golden mud hut please." "Wise choise, how many rungs?" "Six." "That noise can only mean one thing." "Hungry monkey." "I'd like a wicked Wango card." "Okay." "It's an audio question." "Name this television theme song." "Oh my God." "I know this." "Give me a second." "Tell it to the time turtle." "Shut up." "I Dream of Jeannie." "Yes, yes!" "You are back in the lead." "I'd like to spin the wheel." "Come on!" "Super speedy speed round." "Is there a hopping bonus?" "Of course." "Who invented bi-focals?" "Ben Franklin." "Correct." "Which monarch has ruled Great Britain the longest?" "Queen Victoria." "Correct again." "But you forgot to switch legs between questions." "No!" "So no hopping bonus." "No." "Every time!" "Over to Chandler." "I'd like a goo-goo card." "Are you sure?" "Yes!" "No!" "Goo-goo!" "Oh my God." "Congratulations, Ross." "Because Chandler, you've been Bamboozled." "No!" "This is the best game ever!" "So, uhm, you are gonna stay with me as long as I need you?" "Of course, I am." "Mom, I swear I'm not an idiot." "I read all kinds of books on pregnancy and giving birth." "But I just didn't think to read the part about what to do when the baby comes." "And, and..." "Guess what?" "The baby's coming, and I don't know what to do." "Oh, could I throw up in my diaper genie?" "Sweetie." "You are gonna be fine." "Where are you going?" "I'm going to the bathroom." "Oh, okay." "Now, don't worry." "Everything's gonna be okay." "It is gonna be okay." "Worth a shot." "Hey." "Hey." "Why are you all red and sweaty?" "I just bamboozled Chandler." "Which is not a sexual thing." "That was a quick shower." "Not if you were here." "Wow, looks like we got a lot of good stuff." "We did, but my mom got us the greatest gift of all." "Oh, play doe barber shop?" "No." "She's going to live with us for eight weeks." "What?" "Yes, she's gonna help us take care of the baby." "You are not serious?" "I mean she's a very nice woman, but there's no way we can take eight weeks of her." "She will drive us totally crazy." "Hi, Ross." "Hey, roomie." "Hey, Joey." "Hi, I'm Ray." "I'm the producer of the show." "It's a pleasure to meet you, Ray." "And this is Duncan and Erin." "They are gonna help us out with the audition." "So, let's get the camera rolling." "Righty on, Ray." "Whenever you are ready." "Hello." "I'm Joey Tribbiani." "Let's play Bamboozled!" "Erin, you get the first question." "In hockey, who is known as the great one?" "Wayne Gretzky." "Correct!" "Now, would you like to pick a wicked Wango card, or spin the wheel of mayhem?" "Uh, Joey." "Didn't your agents give you the revised rules?" "We've eliminated all that." "No wheel, no cards." "What, why?" "Well, the game was too complicated, and research showed people didn't follow it." "Well, what's complicated?" "You spin the wheel of mayhem, to go up the ladder of chance, you go past the mud hut, through the rainbow ring, to get to the golden monkey." "You yank his tail, and boom, you are in paradise pond." "Yeah." "All that's gone." "It's basically just a simple question and answer game now." "Well, what's fun about that?" "You expect me to be the host of a boring game just people standing around answering questions?" "Well, there will be women in bikinis holding up the scores." "Let's play Bamboozled!" "And all those dinosaurs knick-knacks you have,Ross, I thought they might be more at home in a garage." "We don't have a garage." "Did I say garage?" "I meant garbage." "You know what, Mrs. Greene?" "Maybe it's not absolutely vital that you live with us." "But Rachel needs help with the baby." "I do." "I really do." "I don't know anything." "I'm sure that's not true." "Oh no?" "Pheebs, Monica, do I know anything about babies?" "No, not a thing." "It's frightening." "You know what?" "Even if she doesn't know anything, I do." "I have a son." "And his mother and I didn't live together." "And whenever he was with me," "I took care of him all the time, by myself." "That's true." "You do have another child." "Yeah." "With another woman." "Have you no control, Ross?" "That's a different issue." "The point is, when the baby comes," "I will be there to feed her and bath her and change her, and more than that," "I want to do all those things." "Well then, you really don't need me to live with you." "Yes!" "Yes." "You are gonna be so missed." "You are gonna be a great father." "You are gonna be a wonderful grandma." "Hello?" "Still don't know what the hell I'm doing." "Come on." "Every first time mother feels that way." "You're gonna pick it up." "Hey!" "You will." "Look." "You know when you first came to the city?" "You were this spoiled, helpless little girl, who still used daddy's credit card." "Remember?" "I hope you are going somewhere with this." "Look at you, Rachel" "You are this big executive." "You are much more capable than you give yourself credit for." "I have no doubt that you are gonna be an incredible mother." "Really?" "I'm telling you." "Thank you." "All right, you two." "I'm gonna get going." "Oh, no, no, no, sweetheart." "You stay put." "I'll let myself out." "It's like I'm not here, which I almost wasn't." "She's so funny." "You're so funny." "What do I do?" "Nothing." "You have apologized to her like a million times." "And she's been nothing but terrible to you." "And don't forget, you just threw her daughter a lovely, albeit slightly boring shower." "And she hasn't even thanked you for it." "You know what?" "You are right." "Yeah, I mean, if you wanna say anything to her," "I'd tell her off." " Really?" " Uh-huh." "Okay." "I will." "Mrs. Greene." "Mrs. Greene." "It is rude to leave a party without saying goodbye to the host." "And also, when someone apologizes to you, the decent thing to do is to accept it." "Cause what I did to you, it wasn't on purpose." "But what you are doing to me now, it's just plain spiteful." "Spiteful?" "That's right." "Maybe it's time you took a good hard look at a mirror, young lady." "Old lady." "Lady." "Wrap it up." "Wrap it up." "Wrap it up." "So, whenever you're ready to apologize to me," "I'll forgive you." "Good day!" "I can't feel my legs." "You were fantastic." "I'm so proud of you." "Yeah." "I'm proud of me too." "You should be." "Could you get me something to drink?" "You got it!" "Okay." "Mrs. Greene!" "Okay, I'm really sorry!" "I apologize!" "Okay." "I bit my tongue." "And I'm still really sorry." "Okay." "I read it." "You sure." "Yes, I've done my studying, and I really know my stuff." "All right, then." "Rachel Greene, let's play Bamboozled." "How do you test the temperature of the baby's bath water?" "Put your elbow in it." "Excellent." "How do you put a baby down for a nap?" "Full, dry, on its back, and no less covers." "That's correct." "This is an audio question." "What do you do when the baby makes this sound?" "Check if it's wet." "Check if it's hungry." "Burp it." "Excellent." "Excellent." "Now, do you want another question?" "Or a wicked Wango card?" "A card, a card." "I pick the card." "Oh, I'm sorry." "You've been Bamboozled." "You are gonna be a terrible mother." "I've lost sight of why we are doing this."