"Coffee, Susan, please." "With vanilla." "Good day, Mrs. Mirabeau." " Ernie." " Carolina." "And of course, good day to the fairy princess herself, Miss Georgia." "So how's married life treating you this week, Ernie?" "Fine." "Fine, fine." "It's another book." "You know me," "I didn't go through the 8th grade." "My grandbaby here reads Anna Karena." "Anna Karenina." "She jumped in front of a train when her boyfriend left." "Yeah, well grandma's gotta pee." "I want coffee, please." "No, you're too little." "You have coffee." "Thank you, that'll be all Susan." "You know what, you're not a fairy princess." "You're a fairy bitch." "Yeah, you're an ugly smart bitch." "No one will ever marry you." "I hate you!" " I hate you even more!" " Look at my shoes!" "So what do I care?" " You did that on purpose!" " No I didn't!" " Yes you did!" " No!" " I didn't!" " Yes you did!" "You're a bitch!" "Go ahead, kill each other." "Don't worry about the mess." "I'll hose it down after the killing." "Friends, I need some peace." "But Millie, you can't leave them outside with those butcher knives." "They ain't that sharp." "Georgia." "We are not being raised right." "Hi daddy." "Sweet girls, daddy's got a surprise for you." "A big surprise." "Is it a puppy?" "Meet your new baby sister." "Her name is Maine." "Is her momma dead, too?" "No, her mom's in a crazy house in Bangor." "Theodore." "Hi, momma." "These better be your soiled shorts in here." "Give me those knives." "Don't you sound that horn at me, you son of a bitch." "Leave another child at my doorstep." "Things are gonna be different for you, Maine." "I promise you that." "Thanks for coming in, John." "You know how the show works, right?" "Yeah, you find me a date." "Right." "That is true." "But first, you need to tell me what you look for in a woman." "Well, I want to re-enact every scene from "9 1/2 Weeks."" "You know, that movie with Kim Bassinger and that guy." "When I meet my date, I don't even want to know her name." " Are you following this, Carolina?" " Loud and clear, Dave." " John." " John." "Hi, it's Maine." "Code word grim." "John, this is my assistant, Snake." "He's gonna take over for a second." " Wait, how do you know what I want?" " John, it's what I do." "Maine?" "Carolina, hello." "Grandma broke my riding crop." "Maine, you said code word grim." "And why are you speaking in the phony British accent?" "Grandma locked herself in the dressing room and won't come out." "Okay, tell me." "They advertised a $89 VCR in the paper but the sale ended yesterday." "Grandma said that's a crock of shit." "Snapped my riding crop in half and locked herself in the dressing room." "Two hours ago." "Maine, just so you know, you lost your accent on that last part." " Is Georgia with you?" " Why yes." "She is." "Georgia, it's Carolina." "Hi, what's up?" "Can't you do something before this ends up in another police report?" "Maine!" "Wait, we have movement." "Get me some toilet paper, honey, cause I gotta go to the bathroom." "$56.90, lady, you win." "I want to experience you." " Who, me?" " Sorry I'm late." "All my wonderful people." "Daphne St. Claire is in the building." " Nice to see you." " How are you." "Nice to see you." "Hello, my dear." "Look at all these people." "They've been camped out for days." "It's like a Pearl Jam concert." "You know why?" "No, Albert, enlighten me." "Daphne's books unlock the mysteries of love." " We're next." " Daphne is an oracle." "What would the oracle say about the mysteries of my love life?" "You always pick the wrong guy." "They either dump you, or... you dump them." "You never get past the third date." "That's not true." "I have a fourth date tonight." "There you are, darling." "Have a nice day." "Wow!" "Miss St. Claire, I can't tell you what it means to finally meet you." "Well, hello, darling." "That's the second bad accent I've heard today." "Who shall I make this out to?" "Albert Morris." "I love all your books." "They'rejust so... glamorous." "Like you." "Daphne, tell me..." "How do you write about love so well?" "Are you gay?" "Not gay." "Just a fan." "All hearts know about love." "All you have to do is listen." " She was good this time, wasn't she?" " She was sober this time." "Your publisher should really hire a better actress for your next book." "Remember, I want a full report on the fourth date in the morning." "You have one message." "Hi, Carolina." "This is Blake." "Listen, about tonight..." "Something came up." "Morning." "Good morning, Carolina." "How was the fourth date?" "He cancelled." "He dumped you?" "You all right?" "Of course I am." "I've forgotten about it already." "You should move, Allie." "You an afford a house in Beverly Hills or adjacent." "And I hear they keep their car stereos for 6 months around there." "No, I like the ambience here." "The ever-changing graffiti, the distinct aroma of urine in the air..." "Wondering why that helicopter keeps circling over my head." "I like our morning ritual." "It makes me feel like I've got a real job." "Have a great day at work." "Yeah, you too." "Take care." "Hi." "Okay." "I don't normally do this, but I don't think that people who do this are freaks." "Necessarily." "Anyway, I'm looking for a woman." "Hi." "I'm funny and I'm fun and..." "I'm a good dancer, good kisser, and I'm looking for someone "who is nice and has a good job"." "I got to see "some pearly white teeth"." "You can't be missing teeth." "And no yellow teeth, know what I'm saying?" "A sense of humor is key." "Cause a lot of women, they don't get my sense of humor." "They think I'm rude, sarcastic or arrogant" "It gets misinterpreted." "I like to feel her skin and I like to... see and taste and... that's, you know, I'm in touch with my senses." "And rather than me tell you, I'll tell you what I've heard." "Men and women should be equal partners in life." "Men and women should be equal partners in life." "Anyway, my name's Heath Pierson." "I'm fresh off the Virgin 747 to Los Angeles and I'm new here." "So..." " Snake!" " Yeah?" " I am the one they call Snake." " Who's that guy?" "He's one of the late ones after you left." " Put him on with that Kate girl." " Kate?" "All right." "Why is it so quiet?" "Where is everybody?" "Well, tomorrow is Thanksgiving." "Daphne?" "Are you there?" "I've got to go." "Are you all set?" "Daphne, aren't you ready yet?" "Princess Tabitha has just been kidnapped by Roark the Pirate, who has dragged her into his lair of wanton desire." "Isn't that the third "pirate capture the princess" story you've written?" "Pirates are classic." "And why are all the girls always princesses, tell me that?" "All women are princesses." "Guess what happens next." "She caresses his throbbing manhood." "No, too soon, my pretty." "Guess again." "She removes her bodice with trembling hands." "No, he'll remove it." "He'll do it." "Last guess, make it a good one." "Okay." "His hands slowly roam his newly conquered territory." "That I like." "I'll have to drive at warp speed." " Okay, let's go, thief." " Save, save, save!" "The weathertoday in Los Angeles, temperatures in the low to mid 80's." "Breezy at times, with a few scattered clouds and smog levels." "Boy does your grandmother live in a strange part of Los Angeles." "Why is it so hard to be an adult around my family?" "That's why I left my family 3,000 miles away and came here." "Grandma'll make a scene, someone'll get drunk and try to shoot someone." "Georgia will end up crying for no reason." "It's like family voodoo." "That's why I like it." "Grandma likes you, but if she knew you were Daphne she'd kill you." "Hey, Chang, how are you doing?" "Hello." " Hey!" " Hey!" "How's your wee thing hanging, Albert?" " Awee bit to the left." " Oh, yeah." "Carolina, how're you doing, baby?" " I'm good, how are you?" " I'm good, baby." " These are for you." " Thank you." "Why did you go waste your money on something that's gonna die anyway?" "Cause I wanted to." "Well, next time, make it perfume." "So how are you, grandma?" "I'm as nervous as a whore in church, honey." "I've got all this food to cook up for my crazy family." " Would you let me help this time?" " No, you'll just get in the way." "Well, I hear you're bringing your new man." "I broke up with him." "You broke up with him?" "Carolina." "Lying your ass off is unbecoming, honey." "You go see Maine." "She's been hollering for you all day." "I swear that child is one taco short of a combination plate." "Albert, come in here and get your belly full." " I've got a present for you." " Don't you knock?" "Mirabeaus don't knock." "Maine, we have no boundaries." "What are you doing?" "Maine is winning the lottery." "Is that so?" "The rocking horse boy rode so hard he went into a trance and in the trance he saw the winning horse's name before each race." "You reading D.H. Lawrence now?" "I put big money on the Kentucky Derby and I'm gonna win the lottery." "I've already seen two winning lottery numbers. 4 and 27, see?" "4 and 27." "If you insist on patronizing me, please leave." "You're clouding my trance." "What's that?" "Onscreen programming." "You can set the timer to record your favorite shows." "See?" "Don't let technology scare you." "Nothing scares me, kid." "I just want you to do it for it." "Hey." "Guess what?" "Grandma got a top of the line VCR." "It only cost her 50 bucks." "So I heard." "Shut." "You gotta do what you gotta do, Carolina." "Life is serious business." "I got me my leather interiors with that toilet paper trick." "Works every single time." "No bullshit." "Okay, all you lazy good-for-nothing goldbrickers." "Dinner is served." "Come and get it." "If grandma offers you jerky or chitlings say no." "Well." "I see your Aunt Marilyn brought her breasts." " Warning one, Albert." " How long was she in for?" "Three months." "Aunt Marilyn used her little black book again." "Police chief, who was into high heels, let her out on good behavior." "Inspiring." "She should write a book." "Daphne St. Claire could co-write it." " Over Daphne's dead body." " Daphne could use the research." "Would you really sleep with a $50 a night hooker and pay for it?" "I don't know about paying for it." "No, seriously." "Seriously?" "I've never really been a one-night-stand kind of guy." "So you've been in love with all the women you've slept with?" "Well..." "Well, how many have there been?" "Afew." "Okay, but how many?" "Hey, back off." "So you really think you know what love feels like?" "Come on, Carolina, stop dawdling." " Come on." " Yes, Ma'am." "No, I don't eat meat any more, remember?" "And you wonder why you can't find a man?" "Watch it." "Next." "Got it close, didn't I?" "What's that in your hand?" "It's a party, isn't it?" "What's with you and my daughter?" "Ain't you having sex yet?" "What?" "No, no." "We're just good friends, that's all." "What's the matter?" "She not good enough for you?" " No, no." " What?" "I mean, yes, of course she is..." "She's just... friends and sex don't mix." "Where's..." "I'm sorry, what's his name, your new boyfriend?" " Seth." " Right." "I broke his heart." "Why do I keep doing that?" "What happened?" "I told him my baby wasn't his." "You're pregnant?" "How can you be pregnant?" "The usual way." "Do you know who the father is?" "Excuse me?" "I mean, of course, of course you know who the father is." "Right?" "I do." "Well, do you want me to go with you?" "I'm gonna keep it." "You're gonna raise a baby all by yourself?" "You don't have a job." "You've never had a job." "I tried to get ajob once." "I didn't have the right shoes." "Don't tell grandma, okay?" "I'll tell her." "When the time's right." "Okay?" "Grandma, have you read Daphne St. Claire's new book?" "Oh, you're damned straight I have." "That's what you need, girl." "A man like Ashlen China from "Roughing it at Midnight."" "Ashlen's from "Moonlight Rhapsody." He's not her type." "You read the romances, Marilyn?" "Oh, I already know all I need to know." "I bet you do." "I like you, Albert, because you're a man who has no shame about reading the romances." "Did you read "Love's Sacred Desire"?" "Crap!" "You didn't like "Desire"?" "No." "That Daphne St. Claire shot her wad on that one." "Too much talking, not enough loving." "What she needs to do is get drunk and howl at the moon." "I agree." "You could use a little howling yourself, honey." "I'm focusing on my career." "Okay, but your titties aren't gonna stay perfect forever, you know." "Well, that's what surgery's for." "Right." "You got one big problem, Carolina." "It's called bad man picking." "How can you say that when you've only met one guy I've been with?" "I don't need to meet the rooster when I got the hen right here." "And the hen's not happy." "The hen is, too, happy." "The hen looks down on her grandma cause the grandma leads her life exactly anyway she damn pleases." "In fact, the hen hates her grandma" " cause of that." " I do not." "It'sjust that I would do things differently." "Oh, really, how's that?" "Everybody." "I have an announcement to make." "This year" "I'm gonna have a formal Christmas sit-down dinner at my house." "And I hope all of you can make it." "This is where we eat, Carolina." "You know that." " But wouldn't it be nice if...?" " Lf?" "If a frog had wings he wouldn't bump his ass so much." "No." "Well, what about you guys?" "Anyone?" "Daddy?" "Why don't you girlsjust figure this out and tell me where you want me?" "I can't believe he just sat there and did nothing." "He was drunk." "That was his excuse when he drove us off the overpass when I was ten." "What happened." "We all died, Albert." "The reservoir was full of sand." "She'll never come, will she?" "She'll come." "Hey, I can't even wait for Christmas." "Night." "Welcome to our local show." "I'm Desie Dean." "Welcome to the Perfect Date pre-show." "First, to warm us up, my friends swami Hemichandra." "La-mastra everybody." "The warm up is stand up, everybody cold." "Are you Carolina?" " Yeah, yes." " Hi." "I'm Heath Pierson." "Snake says you're the one to thank for choosing me as a contestant." "You're welcome, Heath." "Was it a successful date?" "Yes, yes it was." "The romance wasn't there, but... we had a good time." "What a great attitude." "Most people, if it's not love at first sight, they wished they had never come on the show." "Why did you?" "I lost a bet with someone in my office." "But I thought, 'Why not?"" "I'm new to L. A, I don't know anyone." "And it's a difficult city to meet people in, as you know." "We're on in 10 minutes." "You don't want that on you." "Hello, everybody." "Okay, is anyone nervous?" "Don't be." "The hard part's over." "You've already had the date." "Now all you have to do is tell Chuck all about it." " My date hated me." "I could tell." " I'm sure she didn't, John." "Actually, he's right." "He's a complete asshole." "Okay." "Tara, you know you can't say "asshole" on TV, right?" "He took notes on everything I did." "And my name's not Tara, it's Kate." "I'm Tara." "And I didn't hate my date." "He was totally hot." "Oh, I see." "Okay, Kate." "Let's stick to positive comments when we're on the air, okay?" "I understand." "You screwed up." "I should have had him." "Hello, I'm your new P.A. Kristine." "Phone call" " for Carolina." " Take a message, please." "Snake said to tell you that Georgia's blowing chunks." "Excuse me, I'll be right back." "Kristine, can you please escort our contestants to the holding room?" "Okie dokie, you've got it." "So who knows where the holding room is?" "From Hollywood, it's your favorite game show, "The Perfect Date." And now here's your perfect host, Chuck McBride." "Keep it coming." "I can feel it." "I can feel it." "I need your love." "Georgia, you're supposed to throw up all the time." "Maybe because there's a person growing inside you." "We sent two contestants on a blind date." "You get to see the results right here." "And then you get to decide." "Was it the perfect date!" "What a putz." "Let's see those first two guests right now." "Here are Heath Pierson and Tara Barnell." "Carolina!" "What?" "You still haven't told grandma you're pregnant yet?" "Carolina!" "Georgia, I'll call you back." "Do we still have anyone working around this piece of crap show?" "Job opening." "I am so sorry." "I heard what happened." "How did you know this was my car?" "Your name is on the fence." "Souvenir." "Do you want me to sign it for you?" "You're funny." "Yeah, well, Chuck overruled funny." "You have to believe there's something better coming along." "I'm guessing you don't want to work a game show the rest of your life." "You must be from a rich family." "I thought so." "Well," "I can afford to buy you dinner." "You get me fired and you want to buy me dinner?" "Excellent question." "I hope you told him to bugger off." "He must be really, really good looking." " Yes, but..." " I thought so." "Otherwise you wouldn't go out with a guy who got you fired." "He didn't get me fired, Georgia did." "Georgia didn't get you fired." "You got yourself fired." "You have to learn how to say no." "Like to this Heath person." " Pierson." "It's Heath Pierson." " I mean person." "Like this stupid Heath person." "What?" "Oh, who cares?" "I got fired and I came over to talk to you because you're my best friend and all we're doing is argue about it." " State your business." " It's Carolina." "I need you to say you're coming to Christmas dinner right now." "Listen, baby, I got me a fur person now." "And fur people who do not understand" " formal sit down dinners..." " "Nobody's gonna come if you don't"" "I need you to do this for me, please." "Are you crying, baby?" "Yes or no?" "Why are you crying, honey?" "Bye, grandma." "And remember you're hauling Georgia's butt here this weekend." "I won't forget." "All right." "Hello." "It's me." "May I come in?" "I'm sorry." "I wasn't very sympathetic." "Where'd that come from?" "I have 53 dollars in my savings account." "I have to go and look for a job." "And the milk goes bad in two days." "What am I gonna do, Albert?" "You get an interview with the big boys." "You put on your black suit, pull your hair into that little... twisty thing, and they'll fall in love with you and hire you on the spot." "There are 150 people applying for one job in television." "Maybe." "But there's only one Carolina." "Towel." "You want to go to the movies tomorrow night?" "Tomorrow night's my date with Heath." "I know we met under unusual circumstances, but..." "I wanted to ask you out to dinner the moment I saw you." "You did?" "You were biting your lower lip." "I was?" "It was very, very sexy." "Are you for real?" "Are you just randomly throwing out lines or are you telling the truth?" "I guess I'm randomly telling the truth." "So, you're from London." "Tell me about that." "Well, there's not much to tell." "I have a younger sister, Sara, and my father's a banker." "My mother teaches English at Oxford, which is where I went to university." "I played on the cricket team." "I'm an executive at an advertising agency, and I have a flat in Paris." "Do you have a wife and kids?" "Even if they're in Tulsa, I want to know." "Why are you staring at me?" "No wife, no kids." "Where's Tulsa?" "In Oklahoma." "It's a state." "Like Carolina the state?" "Yes, I was named after a state." "My sisters, Georgia and Maine were also named after states." "Whatever state my father happened to be in when we were born." "We were named after postmarks." "Those are on postcards, but you don't want to hear about that." "I don't?" "No." "North or south?" "What?" "Carolina." "I had a wonderful time tonight." "So did I." "Carolina the state." "North or south." "Yep." "South." "Definitely South Carolina." "Are you sure you want to move in with grandma?" "Well, I can't raise a baby by myself." " You could move in with me." " Oh, sweet." "So super sweet, but you know, the baby will have Maine to play with." "You know me, I like a lot of energy around me." "Well, you have told grandmother that you're pregnant, right?" "Right?" "Well, I'm still waiting for the perfect time to tell her." "Back up, back up." "Back in the car." "I'm bored." "We're going to the movies." " Come on." " Let's unload the U-Haul first." "I don't want to do any work." "I want to go be entertained by some black and white piece of crap." "I'm off duty when I'm dreaming." "You smiling rat bastard, you're gonna be dead soon." " Grandma, please." " Keep it down!" "I want popcorn." "Not spending six bucks on twenty cents worth of popcorn, honey." "I made this gumbo yesterday." "You're gonna eat it and be happy." "How are you feeling, Ben?" "I thought you were sick." "Well, ask her where she was last night." "Show's up there, buddy." " I want popcorn." " Stop, stop." "Jeff, why don't you tell me you've been working hard at the bank." "Who'd you put out for, Popsicle?" "Sure as hell can't act worth a lick." "Will you shut up?" "Listen, sonny..." "Grandma, I'm pregnant." "Georgia, now is not the time." "What?" "Hold it." " Hold it." " You hold it." "Well thank you for revealing that little tidbit of information before you unloaded the U-Haul." "Cause my child-rearing days are over, sunshine." "It's not gonna cost a thing." "I'm gonna breastfeed it." "Can we talk about this in the lobby, please?" "Ma'am, I'm gonna have to ask you to take your seat and lower your voice." "What are you?" "I'm the manager, ma'am." " How old are you, Mr. Manager?" " Twenty, ma'am." "Listen." "Carefully, you leave now." "I can't do that, ma'am." "You know murder is a funny thing." "It happens to all sorts of people in all sorts of places." "Nobody's safe any more." "Even little snot-nosed, pudgy theatre managers running up and down the aisle with a flashlight." "We never get to see the end of the movie when you come." "I'm gonna calm Maine down and get Georgia's stuff to my house." "You think it's a good idea, do you?" "Saddling yourself with two kids when you don't even have a job yourself." "Yes, I do." "I thought you'd be on your horse." "I'm not in the mood." "And what about your numbers?" "I've only got two numbers left." "Girls, get your butts out here and help Georgia unload the U-Haul." "She's pregnant, for God's sake." "Come on, get your butts out." "So I moved Georgia in." "And still she's gonna have a baby with no father around." "I can't believe she's gonna let history repeat itself like that." "She has her own free will." "She can do what she wants." "Yeah, but she's not even taking it seriously." "It's no big deal to her." " She's doing something unexpected." " It's not unexpected, you're right." "You know, the problem isn't her." "It's you." "What?" "Things don't always have to go according to plan." "Your plan." "No." "Let go." "And for God's sake, Carolina, live a little." "Carolina Mirabeau." "Live a little." "Happy birthday, Carolina." " It's my birthday." " Happy birthday to you." "Happy, happy, happy birthday." "What are you doing for Christmas?" " All right?" " Yes, you look lovely, darling." "Come here." "You're gonna be late." "Who cares?" "I'm having fun." "Oh, Albert, come out here." "I want you to meet somebody." "Hey." "Albert." "Heath, this is Albert Morris, my neighbor." "My neighbor and best friend." "Hi." "Heath Pierson." "I've heard a lot about you." "You have?" "Well I've heard a lot about you too." "Good." "Of course." "Did you get my birthday card?" "I left it on your doorstep." "Yes." "Thank you." "Did you read it?" "I haven't gotten a chance to open it yet." "Of course, you were busy." "Well, read the card." "And if you're still interested, let me know, okay?" "I should be off." "Nice to meet you, Albert." "Can we do that again, please?" "When we get to the piano dynamic, keep the tempo..." "Do you think the musicians ever miss a note?" "Of course." "Nobody's perfect." "That's why there's so many of them up there." "Enjoy your present now." "They're all playing for you." "Why don't you like him, Albert?" "You don't even know him." "I know him." "Now he is perfect." "He's Flawless Man." "Flawless body without working out, flawless smile, never runs out gas, never breaks a sweat." "Never says the wrong thing." "Makes us ordinary guys feel invisible." "You got all that from one hello?" "I'm a writer." "Ljudge character faster than a speeding bullet." "I thought we didn't judge." "We judge when the rules are broken." "You slept with him last night on the 2nd date at your house." "That breaks every Carolina rule." "But I've lived a little, Albert." "I want a normal, available guy, and I think I've found one." "He makes me happy." "Anyone named Heath Pierson is not a normal guy." "I saw his car." "A Jaguar." "He's not a normal guy." "I invited him to Christmas dinner." "You did what?" "Christmas dinner's for family." "And what about you, anyway?" "You write about all this passion and romance and "my love for you is endless."" "When was the last time you went on a date?" "As it so happens, I do have a date." "Come on, you do not, Albert." "I do, too." "Why is that so surprising?" "A fourth date, in fact." "She's a writer." "And not another Daphne write, but a New York Times bestseller writer." "I met her at my publisher's holiday party two weeks ago." "Enjoy the concert." "...four bars straight there." "Join in the fun." "A little more Sax." "So you're telling me you honestly don't know what happened?" "No." "It's just not like Albert." "It is hard work being so dense, Carolina." "What is that supposed to mean?" "Why don't you take a ride on Maine's horse and see what come up." "Be careful, that's my wedding china." "Why can't you just say what you mean?" "All right." "Here's a thought." "Forget about Albert, forget about Maine and forget about me, for that matter." "What about you, Carolina?" "Why is your life so hard?" "Makes me think you're living somebody else's instead." "Okay." "Okay, fine." "Tomorrow is Christmas dinner." "I want you there more than anyone else." "Shit!" "Why didn't you say so in the first place?" "Hi." "You look nice." "Carolina." "Look at these plates." "Grandma lent them to me for Christmas." "All this time using paper plates and she had an entire set of china." " Can you believe that?" " Carolina." "Anyway, I want to apologize for the Hollywood Bowl thing yesterday." " Carolina." " You can date whoever." "Or is it whomever?" "Whatever." "Anyway, it's really not my business." "I'm just glad you're getting out there and taking chances." "And she's a writer, a real writer." "Carolina, she's here." "Debbie, this is Carolina, my friend." "Carolina, this is Debbie." "Hi, it's nice to meet you." "Albert's told me a lot about you." "Albert's told me a lot about you, too." "I mean, he was just about to tell me more than he has, like that you're pretty and smart, which you are obviously." "You look great." "You two look great." "Together." "A couple." "So where are you guys going, anyway?" "To a Christmas Eve service." "My mom and dad and I go every year." "It's kind of a family tradition." "That's lovely." "All you lazy, good-for-nothing goldbrickers, dinner is served." "Merry Christmas." "Grandma, I told you not to bring anything." "How are you gonna feed all these people with one piddly bird?" "Now, nobody eat." "Grandma's gotta pee." "She brought her own turkey." "I know." "I saw." "Albert." "Are you staying?" " Of course." " What about Debbie?" "She's with her parents." "We're gonna meet after dinner." "I don't have a name card for you." "That's okay." "I can remember my own name." "Oh, here, sit there." "Aunt Marilyn got arrested again." "Carolina, honey, you're out of toilet paper." "Okay, who wants to say grace?" "I do." "Albert, I love you like a son, honey, but you Jewish people... you can't kill Christ and expect to have a conversation with him later." "Fine." "He's all yours." "I'll chat with him over dessert." "I'll get it, I'll get it." "Go ahead, carry on." "Who's missing?" "Everybody, this is Heath." "Heath, everybody." "My family." "Sorry I'm late everyone." "Happy Christmas." "Wine." "How lovely." "I think I have an opener in the kitchen." "Who the hell is that?" "Language, girl." "No one knows who the hell it is." " There's a lot of people." " Yeah." "Your lipstick's smeared." "Thank you, Maine." "Grandma, will you please say grace?" "Certainly." "Everyone bow their heads, please." "Lord, bless my family." "Fill their bellies and keep them warm and safe." "And now, let's get personal." "Please find Georgia a man to daddy that young'un" " that she's carrying." " Grandma..." "Give Maine those lottery numbers before she loses her virginity on that rocking horse." "Lord, let my Teddy settle down and plant some roots." "Look over my sister Marilyn who, bless her soul, is back injail." "Enlighten her about cellular telephones and credit card transactions, both of which are traceable." "And finally, Lord, bless my Carolina's heart for she is the best part of me." "Amen." "Amen." "Daddy, I think you should carve the turkey." "Okay." "I think you got yourself a dilemma, son." "I've got two fine-Iooking turkeys front of me here." "And I'mjust one man." "I'd like to ask Al to give me a hand." "Al?" "I'll go get another knife." "Let's move this Martha Stewart shit out of the way and move this turkey." "Maine, what kind of horses do you ride?" "Dead ones." "So you were raised in Britain?" "I was raised right god damn here." "Language." "What happened to your accent?" "I'm over it." "No, everyone has to pass to the right." " This way." " Oh, to the right." "Congratulations on the baby." "Where is the father to be?" "One night stand." "Daddy," " Heath works in advertising." " Oh, that's good work." "Have you done anything that I might know?" "Well, my firm did those Absolut Vodka themed ads." "You know." "Bond." "Absolut Bond." "Oh, yeah." "That was you?" "So what kind of work do you do, sir?" "I'm a drunk." " Been 30 days since my last drink." " Daddy, really?" "Big love, Daddy." "It's only 30 days." "Why?" "Because if I leave her alone, she's gonna pee on my shoes." "Did I tell you the one about the time I found Marilyn playing lollipop with the reverend under the table?" " How about a different story?" " Okay." "How about the time Marilyn hit me up side the head with an axe handle?" " Yes, tell that one." " Yeah, how'd you get back at her?" "Now, even though I'm the oldest and Marilyn is the youngest, she was always built like a brick shithouse." "When she was ten she didn't have those big boobs like she's got now." "Well, she was worried about that." "And there was this dance coming up, and I said: "Marilyn, what you gotta do is get chicken manure spread on those boobies and they'll grow faster." And so, she did." "She spread the chicken manure and she rubbed... and she rubbed and she rubbed..." "And she rubbed for weeks." "Comes the time for the dance, she stank to high heaven." "And the flies were swarming all over her." "She never hit me up side the head with that axe handle again." "Is that why Aunt Marilyn's a whore?" "She's not a whore, honey." "She's a madam." "She's the madam cause she likes money without taxation." "Anyone for eggnog?" "Yeah, I'll have some." "Thanks, honey." "So Heath, come over here, honey, and sit down and tell us all about yourself." "Come on." "Actually, Mrs. Mirabeau, I have to leave, I'm afraid." "Another Christmas party." "One of those boring office things." "Can I talk to you for a second?" "Sure." "Did I tell you the one about when..." "Now listen." "If you have to leave, leave." "But first, can you go back in there and tell Carolina how much meeting her family has meant to you and... and how special a day it was for you?" "Can you do that?" "Yeah, I can do that." "Can I ask you something?" "Shoot." "You and Carolina?" "Have you got a thing going on?" "No." "No thing." "Good night everyone." "Off to the races." "Well, I had a good time." "I did." "You got your wish." "But next time Christmas is gonna be in my backyard again." "You got it?" "I do." "It was harder than I thought it was gonna be." "You make it look easy." "Thank you." "I love you, you know." "I love you too, pet." "Oh, about Heath person of yours..." "Nice boy." "Isn't he though?" "But stiffer than a preacher's dick at a wedding." "Good night, pumpkin." "Yeah?" "Hi." "Hey." "I forgot to give you my Christmas present." " Close your eyes." " Okay." "Open them." "Merry Christmas." "We're the cleaning queens of West Hollywood." "Are you ready?" "Five, six, seven, eight." "Dusting and sweeping and scrubbing with Comet" "We'll clean your mess up from blood stains to vomit" " The sweeper." " The Hoover." "I'm good with a hose." "Smells can't outrun us cause I'm good with my nose." " Get the stains out." " Scrub that tile grout." "Using decleaning foam." "We'll pass the red glove test in no time at all." "We'll even Feng Shui your home." "The cleaning queens." " That was great!" " I just had a glass ring fall out." "So, leave the dishes to the experts and come with me." "What is it?" "Oh, new Daphne galleys." "Let me see." "You put your own name on a Daphne book?" "It's not a Daphne book." "It's my book." "If you turn the page there..." "For Carolina." "Albert, that's..." "I think I'm gonna cry." "I've been writing it on and off for about a year now." "It's about us, really." "You're a sort of..." "I mean, it's inspired by us." "Is it bad?" "No." "It's... it's..." "It's a love story, Carolina." "It's everything I've been afraid to say." "Everything I feel about you." "Albert." "Oh my God." "Me and Debbie, you and Heath, you know..." "They're great people, yeah, but they're not our people." "Carolina." "This isn't hard." "We were friends first, which is what's gonna make us last." "I think I'd better go check on the cleaning crew." "Please don't walk out that door." "This is all so sudden, I..." "You tell me that you wrote a book about us, and that you want us..." "That's not fair, really." "I should have known." "I should have known, this is what you do with every guy that you meet, but... the joke's on me, isn't it." "Because I thought I was different." "You are different." "You can't just spring this on me." "I..." "I don't know what to say." "You just said it." "Why aren't you out with Heath on New Year's Eve, Carolina?" "He didn't call." "What about Albert?" "What do you want to wear tonight?" " You decide." " Is Ernie still married?" "The zipper's busted." "Of course Ernie's still married." "How come you're dating a married man?" "Grandma skips that commandment, Maine." "That's a good one." "Thank you, honey." "Now, you know, after a while, you learn that the rules of the world don't have to apply to you." "You think about it." "It's all nonsense." "It is." "We're here." "We die." "Now when I met your grandpa Herschel we was both 15." "He could drink a whole entire bottle of soda and never take a breath." "And he had very clean fingernails." "So I married him." "You know, when he died, my true love died." "Soured me on my home." "So..." "Me and my boy Teddy, we come west." "And here I am." "Asingle grandma." "And whenever I need a man, I got Ernie." "We have an understanding between us." "And, girls, that is a lot in this world." "Thank you for making me so presentable on New Year's Eve." "Evening, Millie." "Evening, Ernie." "Thank you." "Yeah." "My you look nice tonight." "Okay, thank you." " That's a beautiful dress you have." " Thank you." "Now remember." "God said celebrate, not celibate." "Let me get that." " Thanks, Ernie." "See you." " Bye." "Bye." "So, what do you guys want to do on New Year's Eve?" "Get drunk and watch the ball drop, what else?" " Sounds good." " What's celibate?" "...a boy." "But I had a dream last night it was a girl." "Maybe twins." "Well, if you have a girl or a boy, you could still use this, right?" "It has like rockets and cars and stuff." "And I'm a girl, and I like rockets and cars." "4. 27." "26!" "26." "Here you go, hon." "Where's Albert?" "We've missed your faces around here." "Thanks." "It's nice to be missed." "Is this seat taken?" "How did you find me?" "I stopped by your apartment yesterday but you weren't there." "Albert told me you come here every Monday morning for pancakes." "So you saw Albert?" "Can I sit down?" "I'm sorry for not returning your calls, Carolina." "Yeah." "We sleep together and you don't call me for five months." "That's pretty typical around these parts." "I had to go back to England and hold a few hands." "To be honest, I sort of got cold feet." "But look, I brought you something by way of atonement." "Open it." "Your station is one of our clients and I made" " a few calls." " You got me my job back?" "Wow." "That is real Prince Charming kind of stuff." "To the rescue and all that." "But?" "I'm sorry." "I shouldn't have invited you to Christmas dinner." "It was too soon to throw you into the Mirabeaus like that." "It's just I was feeling so sure of myself." "The thing is..." "I was trying to force someone, you, into my life and it's like... you're this beautiful, expensive Italian suit and I just don't have the faintest idea where I'm gonna wear you." "Me and my family..." "They're all that I have and... we're just not suit people." "That's the first time I've ever been called an Italian suit." "But I think I know what you're saying." "It's funny." "I've always thought of myself as this great communicator." "Advertising and all that." "But..." "I sort of blew it with you." "This time." "Didn't I?" "Breathe slow, breathe slow." "That's the way I did it." "I know what you're going through." "You have to push harder." "Okay." "Wait, wait, I got something here." "Here, here..." "Bite, bite, hard!" "What is that?" "That was the doggie treat." " One more good push." " I can't!" "All right." "Now listen to me." "I'm your grandmother, are you hearing me?" "Now you breathe deep and push hard." "You push and you push..." "You push harder, harder, harder, or I'm gonna go down there and get a plunger and suck that baby out of you." "Okay, open." "Open up." "Open up." "I know, I know." "Oh, he's so cute." "He's such a beautiful baby boy." "I'm gonna name him California." " Cal for short." " You look like a fairy princess." "Now just give me that little..." "I want to see you close up." "He's so precious." "Hey." "Something wrong with his eyes." "They're crooked." "Georgia, peach, you been eating too many egg rolls?" "I'm just so glad you could make it, son." " Sorry I'm late." "Had an "AA" meeting." " Why don't you shovel your sorrys elsewhere, cause we're full." " I had a meeting..." " Shut!" "...mother." "California Theodore Mirabeau." "That's his name." "Lord help him." "You were called 22 hours ago and that girl still named her baby after you." "How much of that crap are you gonna do before you realize how much life you are missing?" "You want the card, mother?" "Oh, he's so cute." "All I've done is screw up you girls' lives, haven't I?" "You could try harder." "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday." "What day should I put on that ticket?" "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday." "Today, tomorrow, day after tomorrow." "Monday," "Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday." "Wednesday, Thursday, Friday." "Thursday, Friday." "Friday, Friday." "Today!" "Going to school." "Bye." "Good breasts, good boobs, that's what I like." "Hello?" "Carolina?" "I need you to go to the bookstore." "Okay, I'll go tonight." "You'll go today." "Three o'clock." " I'm working all day, grandma." " For once in your life, obey me." "My book comes in at 3 p.m. Today at that bookstore that you like." "They won't hold it a moment after that, honey." "I don't know, there's some kind of run going on it." "All right, all right, I'll go." "I'll get it for you." "Bye bye, honey." "All right, see you." "Next." "One ticket." "You got ID?" "No ID, no 24 million." "I must play." "This is the week." "The horse told me so." "You listen to me, scum bucket." "These are winning numbers." "They're going to win today and you're going to sell me the ticket." "Right now!" "No ID, no ticket." "Next." "Hi, Ernie." "Why isn't she in school?" "She tried to buy a lottery ticket at the liquor store." "That didn't work, so she came to me." "Asked me to do it for her." "Did you buy her the ticket, Ernie?" "Considering how she looked I thought I'd better bring her home first." " See what you wanted me to do." " Thank you for that." "Call me if you need me, Millie." "I'll call you if I need you." "Maine!" "You said I had to know the day!" "The horse's spirit entered me and today was the day I was supposed to win 24 million dollars!" "Honey, that is crazy." "I'm not crazy!" "Why don't you believe me?" "Honey." "Okay, okay baby." "Come on, sit down." " Why don't you believe me?" " Sit down, sit down." "Now listen to me." "It's not about me believing you." "It isn't." "It's about where you put your dreams, honey." "I'm not asking you to be normal cause that's not the Mirabeau way." "I'm just asking you get a little smarter about your crazy side, okay?" "Okay." "Yeah?" "That's my baby." "Good girl." "Hi, do you have a book on hold for Mirabeau?" "You know, he's here right now." "The author." "He's giving a reading." "I'm going to the market, girls." "Maine!" "No more trips to liquor stores dressed up like a harlot." "You understand me?" "I'll keep an eye on her." "Okay." ""Carolina stood up naked out of the tub and asked for a towel." "Looking at the floor, he had one open, and as she moved into it, her forehead came to rest on his right shoulder." "Water from her hair stained his shirt and chilled his skin." "Her face was now so close to his that she looked distorted and it came as a terrible surprise that he loved her even more at this proximity." "He realized that to her, he would never be more than a close friend."" "Hello?" "Maine?" "Not now, I'm busy." "Maine, stop crying, baby." "Let me talk to the police." "Excuse me, I'm Carolina Mirabeau." "I was brought here..." "I was told that my grandmother died in a car accident." "Mirabeau." "Have a nice day." " Next." " Hi." "I'm here to pick up my grandmother's things from her car." "It's the red Chevelle." "Millicent Mirabeau was her name." "Here's my ID." "That'll be 128 dollars." " What?" " 128 dollars." "Tow, tax, storage, release." "Fine." "Okay." "Here." "Don't take credit." "Don't take checks." "Cash only." "All right, I'll bring cash tomorrow." "Just give me her things, please." "I can't do that." "All I want is her stuff." "She was killed yesterday." "Well, I'm sorry for your loss, but I'm running a business here." "This is not about your business." "This is about someone's life." " Give me that!" " No." "Bastard!" "This is not!" "How dare you?" "Those are my grandmother's things!" "Give that to me!" "Jesus!" "Those are my grandmother's things!" "Those are not yours, they're mine!" "I never got to say goodbye." "Thank you." "Your daddy wasn't always a drunk." "He took good care of you girls." "Right up until the time that your momma passed." "I know all that, Aunt Marilyn." "She died and then he started drinking." "Yeah." "But baby, it's the part before that that nobody ever told you about." "Mainly because, well, grandma told me that she'd toss me into a vat of chicken manure if I did." "Your grandma saved your life." "What?" "Well, you see, your momma had rich parents." "When they learned that your momma got knocked up, they took her straight to the abortion clinic." "See, your grandma had a different view." "She marched into that place like a fiery-winged banshee from hell." "No that's my boy's baby in there, and it's gonna born if I have to shoot every last one of you." "Outside, missy." "Now." "Sure as shit's quiet around here without her, ain't it?" "It's okay." "And now for the lottery numbers." "4." "27." " 27." " 7." "7." "16." "16." "9." "9." "26." "And "26"." "Good luck everyone." "It's a big one." ""Hey, California"." "Tonight's jackpot is huge." "I hope you got your lucky picks here, cause here we go." "Those were my numbers." ""Dear Grandma Mirabeau." "It's time to come clean." "I'm Daphne St. Claire."" "Yep, me." "I didn't tell you at first because your comments were so refreshing." "I hope you like this book." "There's a lot of talking, but there's a lot of loving in it, too." "Take care of her for me." "Albert" "I have something for you." "What is it?" "Open it and find out." "Are those lottery tickets?" "They were in grandma's car." "In the glove compartment." "She was playing my numbers?" "Yep." "Every day." "Well, did grandma play them the day of the accident?" "The day that Maine's numbers won?" "No." "Then it was my fault." "She was going to the store to play my numbers." "It was not your fault, Maine." "It was the drunk driver who ran the red light's fault." "She believed in you." "That's why she played your numbers." "Are you sad that you didn't win the money?" "No." "It probably would have ruined my life." "Money does that, you know." "What's important is that I was right." "And I'm not going crazy because I was right about my numbers." "Hello, this is Albert." "I'm out of town on a book tour." "Please leave a message." "Albert." "Grandma died." "Save, save, save." "Where are your hookers?" "They're gonna be here soon." "Why?" "I just read "Lady Chatterly's Lover." I have some questions." "You do, do you?" "Chang moved in last week." "Come on, baby." "Hey!" "You know who's playing?" "You know, I quit my job at the "Perfect Date."" "Really?" "Do you have something else?" "Yeah, a new cable show." "Making documentaries, research and stuff." "That's great." "Congratulations," "Carolina." "Yeah, I like it." "I like it a lot." "What are you doing here?" "Your grandma always asked me here, and..." "Well, a little late, but here I am." "Okay." "Okay." "I think we're ready." " Who'll carve the turkey?" " I will." " Who's gonna say grace?" " Bow your heads." "As grandma would say..." "Lord, bless this family." "Fill their bellies and keep them safe and warm." "Thank you for giving Georgia and Chang a perfect baby." "Crooked eyes and all." "Thank you for not making Maine too normal." "Thank you for taking care of grandma." "She can make your life hell, but nobody loved us better." " And now, Lord..." " Let's get personal." "I've eaten Thanksgiving dinner in this backyard for the last 3 years and I plan on doing it for the next 50."