"* Ooh, I don't know why *" "* I love you like I do *" "How great is it that Ben got a gig in the diner?" "So great." "Now I get to see even more of Ben." "All Ben, all the time." "He insisted on getting a job in the diner so he could afford Val a wedding gift." "Is he not the sweetest?" "Oh, he's darling." "Ooh, I love that guy." "If I was a 14-year-old white chick," "I'd be all over him." "So, are there any good job listings in there for you?" "Here's something. "Companion -- looking for a nice personality," ""some driving, light cooking, and... must know how to give an enema."" "How much does that pay?" "Holly, I'm a friend and a working man." "How much money do you need?" "$500." "But I want to get her these crystal champagne glasses." "She's too embarrassed because they're so expensive, but she loves them." "But $500 for crystal glasses?" "You know, for 50 bucks," "I can set you up with a girl named Crystal, and you can sip champagne straight from her navel." "There's a job opening at my vet's office." "Is it a job where you don't have to know how to do anything?" "Hey, who works there?" "You're never gonna guess what Rick got me as a wedding present." "A pony?" "A diamond bracelet, silly." "How good must this little vixen be in the sack?" "Here's what I'm thinking of getting him." "You know one of those mattresses that molds to whoever's on it?" "Oh, yeah, mine would have a mold of me and... a couple of double-a batteries." "I'd like to dedicate this next song to my girl Holly." "Aww..." "* I don't know how my girlfriend's *" "* Gonna get a job *" "* When she's just sittin' in a booth *" "* Sittin' in a booth * * Sittin' in a booth *" "Okay, okay," "I'm going." "Okay, Tina, so this job they're offering -- does it require more than three weeks of college?" "Because -- oh, my God." ""Be the next Herbal Essences girl and win $1,000."" "I have hair." "I use shampoo." "Oh, my God, I am so the Herbal Essences girl." "Oh, no, too bad... the final audition was last week." "No, no, it says right here the final audition's tonight." " Hello." " Hi." "[ harp music playing ]" "Don't I look like an ass." "* You really know how to dance *" "* When you go up, down, jump around *" "* Talk about true romance *" "* Yeah *" "* Keep on whispering in my ear *" "* Tell me all the things that I wanna hear *" "* 'Cause it's true * * What I like *" "* That's what I like about you * * What I like *" "* That's what I like about you * * What I like about you *" "* That's what I like about you * * What I like about you *" "* That's what I like about you * * What I like about you *" "* That's what I like about you *" "* What I like about you *" "* That's what I like about * * Hey *" "* Uh-huh *" "* Uh-huh *" "* That's what I like about you *" "Tina, the job you set me up for was for a vet." "You know my allergies." "My Ugg boots make me sneeze." "I'm never gonna be able to afford Val's gift." "So, why don't you just try out for that hair commercial?" "You have beautiful hair." "Well, I thought so until I saw that other girl." "She's gorgeous..." "and her hair is so slow." "But did you not read that poster?" "It says that you have to be able to sing, and you have, like, the prettiest voice." "I am pretty good in Val's car." "Maybe you're right." "I'm gonna pick up some sheet music, have Ben help me with my riffs, and... oh, my God, I am so making $1,000." "Wait, wait, wait." "I have a confession to make." "The real reason I wanted you to come here was so that you could check out my Dr. Riley." "I am so in love with him." "You're in love with your boss?" "Shh, he doesn't know it yet." "I need you to go in there and see if he likes me." "And how am I supposed to get into his office -- walk in there and say I hurt my paw?" "No." "You take this." "What is it?" "Eww!" "It's a pigeon." "Okay, so what do I say is wrong with it?" "It's love in with its boss." "Now go." "Okay, Holly Tyler and Mittens." "Did you see him smile at me?" "He doesn't have to do that." "He's not looking." "Ow, ow." "Now he's looking." "So, ahem, is Mittens a girl?" "Uh, why, do you have to set up little stirrups?" "Ha ha ha ha." "So, what's wrong with your pigeon?" "Oh, who knows?" "She's a real complainer." "But the important thing is, that receptionist out there was so adorable!" "So warm...and may I say, a nice rack." "Excuse me?" "Uh, the brass rack, where I hung Mittens' coat." "Well, it's more of a cape, really." "Little arms." "Anyway, I happen to know that she doesn't have a boyfriend." "[ cellular phone rings ] Excuse me." "Oh, I have to take this." "It's my wife." "What, you have a wife?" "Uh...sorry, Mittens just died." "So, is he into me?" "Tina, I'm sorry to tell you this, but he has a wife." "Oh, I know, so is he into me?" "Okay, what?" "You knew he was married, and you still sent me in there?" "No, no, they're separated." "It's over." "He just moved into a studio on the Upper West Side with a partial view of the park." "I read his e-mails." "Hey, Tina... you don't get involved with a married man." "That is really bad." "You're just gonna end up getting really hurt." "I don't care." "I've never felt this way about anyone." "Okay, you can't go there, Tina." "This is really bad karma." "Stop it now." "That's the advice you're giving me -- stop?" "I spent, like, a year listening to you about Henry and Vince, and let me tell you, sometimes -- boring." "Okay, well, I may be fickle with men, but at least they're single." "[ gasps ] You know what?" "Get outta my boyfriend's office!" "With pleasure, you home wrecker." "Wow, this mattress is amazing." "It molds to everything." "Look..." "Val boobies." "Get up." "Let's see your mold." "Check that out." "Can you believe that tush doesn't have a husband?" "All right, let's get some fresh sheets... so we can make it look all pretty for Rick." "Men rooms are so weird." "There's a whole man aura -- man colors, man musk." "God, I miss man." " Oh." " What?" "I found this letter addressed to Rick with a heart." "I don't do hearts." "I do smiley-faces." "What are you doing?" "A little open-heart surgery." "Oh, God." "What?" "No, it's just a love letter from his ex Julie." "You know, the one he was engaged to." "Blah, blah, blah." "It doesn't matter." "A love letter from Julie?" "You know what?" "It's none of my business." "They had a relationship." "She was allowed to send him love letters." "I don't want to read it." "What's it say?" "Oh, God, you have nothing to worry about." "This girl is so dumb." "Look how she spelled "orgasm."" "Oh, I'm sorry, ladies." "They already found the Herbal Essences girl." "You two can go home." "Bye-bye." "Holly, what are you doing?" "Why are you tearing down those posters?" "I'm increasing my chances of winning." "Hey, would you like it if someone did that to you?" "No." "Thank God I got them all." "Holly, you know, you're defacing public property." "It's kinda hot." "Really?" "Ooh...take it off." "Let's go back to your place." "Really?" "Yeah, I got my sheet music." "Can you help me rehearse?" "Oh, yeah, yeah, just give me five minutes, all right?" "Okay, um, can you kinda hurry, because it's humid out here and I'm starting to kink." "Hey, what are you guys doing here?" "Oh, nothing." "We didn't do anything wrong." "Sure, the love letters are no big deal to you, but he's not your fiancé." "You're not about to walk down the aisle with him." "You're not about to spend the rest of your life with someone." "Wait, you left out I have a big ass, and on windy days, my underarms flap." "Find out what she's doing here." "Tina, what are you..." "doing here?" "I just came to buy some pie for my boyfriend." "She just came to buy some pie " "Tell her he's married." "He already has pie at home." "He's married " "Please tell your girlfriend that she doesn't know what she's talking about, she is never gonna win that competition, and I currently hate her!" "Oh, God, I lost Rick's diamond bracelet!" "Okay, calm down, calm down." "Just retrace your steps." "Okay, well, we went to Rick's, looked through all his personal stuff, ate a chicken piccata -- but not a true piccata," " more like a puttanesca." " Lauren!" "We have to get back to Rick's, and now it's rush hour." "We're never gonna find a cab." "Not to worry." "You know, we'll just hop on my big ass." "I'm sure we'll catch a breeze, and my arm flaps will carry us there." "Did you find the bracelet?" "[ Lauren ]:" "No." "But I did find your cute little thong." "Thong?" "I don't wear thongs." "Oh, God, whose thong is in my fiancé's room?" "Oh, wait, ha ha ha ha." "It's a jock strap." "[ cellular phone rings ]" "Oh, God, it's Rick." "That's my special Rick ring." " What do I do?" " Pick it up." "But I don't want him to know we're in his apartment." "Ooh, you know what?" "Don't tell him." "Good, okay." "Hello?" "Hi, honey." "Oh, nothing..." "Lauren and I are just here in the diner... having a little snack." "[ telephone rings ] [ ring ]" "[ Rick's voice ]:" "Hey, this is Rick." "I'm not here right now..." "Hi!" "Uh...are you having fun?" "I love you so much!" "Yes, Holly misses you." "I miss you..." "La la la la!" "[ answering machine beeps ]" "Okay...what?" "Your plane landed early?" "Oh, no, don't come here -- I mean, to your house." "I mean, uh, meet me at the diner right now." "No, no, I love the way you smell when you just get off a plane." "It's very sexy." "Okay, I'll see you there." "Bye." "Oh, God." "All right, uh, all right, you go meet him at the diner." "I will find the bracelet, and I will meet you later." "Hello?" "That was my plan." "Don't try to make it your plan." "[ off-key ] * 'Cause you make me feel *" "* You make me feel *" "* You make me feel *" "* Like a natural woman *" "What do you guys think?" "You're gonna wear something low-cut, right?" "Hey, Ben, what do you think?" "I think maybe you could use a tad more rehearsal." "Vince?" "You're amazing." "Sing it again." "[ off-key ] * 'Cause you make me feel *" "Oh, my God, I heard a cat in horrendous pain, so I came running." "Oh." "Go on, Ben, let's try it in B-flat." "Oh, I think she'd be flat enough." "[ Ben strums guitar ]" "Wait, wait, wait, I'm confused." "I thought they wanted a singer for this competition." "What's that supposed to mean?" " You said that I had a beautiful voice." " I liked you then." "Somebody make her leave." "I need to practice." "Well, I don't." "Play it again, Ben." "[ on pitch ] * 'Cause you make me feel *" "* You make me feel *" "* You make me feel *" "* Like a natural woman *" "Ah-ooh." "Wow." "That was awesome." "Maybe you should enter this thing." "Not this thing... but a different shampoo competition." "No, no, that's an interesting idea, Ben." "I mean, I could definitely use $1,000." "Yeah, maybe you could buy your boyfriend and his wife a king-size bed so you could fit in there with 'em!" "Or maybe I could take my winnings and shove 'em up your " "Ooh, there's gonna be a girl fight now!" "Pop some corn!" "Okay, you know what?" "You could never win this competition because it's for beautiful hair." "And yours is stringier than Ben's guitar." "[ gasps ]" "Well, at least it's a color found in nature!" "I cannot believe that you would even consider doing this." "You know how much I need that money for Val's gift." "Then why not buy her something you can afford?" "How about some gum?" "You are so unbelievably insensitive!" "What, as opposed to you who was so sensitive when I needed you?" "He's married!" "I love him!" "And I'm gonna beat your ass off!" "Wait!" "Wait, wait, wait!" "Where's all the wrestling'... and the body slamming... and the hair pulling... and that, oh, so sweet and tender lesbionic kiss?" "Come on, Lauren, pick up, pick up." "Rick is on his way to the apartment to change his clothes for a business meeting." "Now get out of the apartment." "Get out of the apartment!" "Done." "You found it!" "Oh, thank you, Jesus." "I love you." "Okay, what is wrong now?" "He only gave me this bracelet out of guilt." "He kept the letters." "Obviously, he still has feelings for Julie." "I don't even know if I want to wear it." "Fine." "You should give it to me." "What does it say about our relationship if he's holding on to a love letter from an old girlfriend?" "Yeah -- fiancée." "Just take that thing off." "Why do you think he has to do that?" "Am I not enough?" "Okay, I don't know how to tell you this, but I found something else." "Oh, great." "Poems?" "Pressed flowers?" "[ gasps ] Naughty pictures of the two of them together on the old mattress?" "No." "These." "More letters?" "Yep, the first one's from Scott... and then Steve and Jeff..." "Oh, God, he's gay?" "No, they're your letters." "Scott, Steve, Jeff -- your old boyfriends." "They wrote them to you." "Why does Rick have them?" "Okay, you're such an idiot." "I took them from your house." "Oh, look..." "I've got my old love letters, too." "Oh..." "I see what you're doing here." "Proving a point." "Teaching me a lesson." "Showing me what an ass I've been." "Why is it okay for you to keep your old love letters, but not for Rick to keep his?" "'Cause he didn't find mine." "Right." "Let's order." "Okay." "Val, there you are." "Have you seen my sheet music?" "My audition's in an hour!" "I mean, my hair got me in the door, but my singing is what's going to take me over the top!" " Oh, yeah, you are..." " A fabulous singer." "When was the last time I had it?" "I was at Vince's, and I was singing, and then Tina -- [ gasps ] Tina." "She stole my sheet music." "If only they could steal her voice." "Tina?" "Give me back my -- Tina?" "[ woman giggling ]" "Tina." "You slut." "Hey, where is my sheet..." "music?" "You're not Tina." "Excuse me, is there an emergency?" "You're Mittens' mother, right?" "Right, and you are..." " This is my wife." " Oh, God." "What's wrong?" "Why don't I meet you at Pepelino's for a drink" " before we go home?" " "Home"?" "Is there a problem with Mittens?" "Enough with Mittens." "It's just a rat with wings." "Okay, so you're getting back together with your wife?" "Oh, God, how am I gonna break this to the receptionist?" "[ Tina ]: * You -- you make me feel *" "* So alive *" "* 'Cause you make me feel *" "* You make me feel like a natural woman *" "Excuse me, is that Tina Haven?" "Yeah, she's just finishing now." "[ applause ] Thanks." "Bye." "Oh, did you hear that?" "That's the sound of 1,000 bucks." "Okay, look, Tina, I need to talk to you." "I just came from the vet's office." "He was there with his wife." "They're getting back together." "Okay, you know, I realize that you don't like the fact that I'm falling for a married guy, but, God, it would be so nice if I had a friend who was supportive instead of one who just runs over and makes up lies." "Tina, I'm not making this up." "Yeah, right." "You're unbelievable." "Holly Tyler, you're up." "They're at Pepelino's having a drink." "I'll take you there right now" " if you don't believe me." " I don't believe you." "Tina, I have never lied to you." "Well, there's always a first time." "Tina, I swear." "I never wanted you to get hurt, which is why I didn't want you to start liking him in the first place." "They're really getting back together?" "[ sighs ]" "I'm sorry." "You know, I knew you weren't lying to me." "We never lie to each other." "So you really think my voice sucks?" "Yeah." "[ Woman ]:" "Holly Tyler." "You know what?" "You go on and do your audition." "I've gotta get going." "I pass." "I have to go be with my friend." "[ Woman ]:" "Jaydn Maria." "Hello." "Hi." "Ahem." "[ harp music playing ]" "Yeah... but can she sing?" "[ pop music playing ]" "Yeah... but is she happy?" "I wonder if you can use that on your body?" "Dude, it's shampoo." "I meant her." "Hey, where have you been?" "I've been out, being your knight in shining armor." "[ mocking ] Knight in shining armor." "[ gasps ] Oh, my God, Val's champagne glasses." "How did you afford these?" "Well, singing at the diner only afforded me one, but a good friend of yours chipped in for the other." "Well, you know, I wanted it to be anonymous." "It was me." "Oh, Tina!" "That was so sweet." "I promise I'll pay you back." "I know you're good for it." "You are good for it, right?" "Oh, my damn, oh, my damn." "Pop some corn." "Here comes the sweet and touching lesbionic ending." "Let me get some of that!"