"Previously on "Chasing Life"..." "Okay, so you wanna hear the craziest, most random thing ever?" "I kind of made out with your ex-boyfriend." " I'm sor..." "Dominic?" " It would never happen again." " So have you talked to Leo yet?" " I'm not even sure I want to." "You always knew he had an edge, right?" "He hasn't really been the same since the surgery." "And maybe I haven't either." "I just got out of something, and I can't commit to anyone right now." "Oh my God." "Hm, sorry." "Yeah, that's okay." "I think my cancer's back." "I mean, I just had a blood test last week and everything was fine." "Could things really change this quickly?" "It was one bloody nose." "No one said anything's changed." "I know but it has to be possible for this stuff to just come back overnight." "Like, one day you're fine and the next you're..." " Still fine." " April, stop." "Just wait for the results." "You can't jump to conclusions." "Thank you so much for coming but if you've got somewhere to be..." "No, I'm good." "I'm so sorry I'm late." "I was with somebody and..." "I came as quickly as I could, I just..." "Oh, I mean..." "Never mind." "Well, the only bad news here is that my husband and I will be getting a late start on our camping trip and we'll probably end up by the outhouse... again." "I'll try not to blame you." " So..." " She's fine!" "You're fine." " But the nosebleed?" " Nosebleeds happen." "Especially when the weather gets drier." "I did notice that your platelet count was a teeny bit off, but..." "It's still in the normal range." "So it's probably because you've been stressed at work." "But you're still confident?" "I wouldn't let you leave if I wasn't." "I am 99% sure that you're okay." "Okay?" "Relax." "Sorry for the false alarm." "Just keeping you on your toes." "Come here." "Oh..." "So she said 99%, which I know is a really good number, but I was so sure it was back." "Like, I felt it in my body or I thought I did." "And now it just..." "It feels like I..." "Can't trust my instincts anymore." "Like ever since I got cancer, my body is just this huge mystery to me and I hate that." "I hate..." "Not being able to count on things." "Which is why I try and surround myself with people I can rely on." "Like some of you in this room." "So glad you're okay, April." "Just in time for my bat mitzvah on Saturday morning." "What can I say?" "It's 17 years too late, but hey, my people have been around a long time." "They're not in a rush." "I know I don't really seem like a religious person." "But, um, there is just something about lying in a hospital bed that you start to see the value in stuff like this." "Which is funny timing, considering I am about to become a woman, one year after having both of my ovaries removed." "Luckily, we Jews love irony." "Oh, hello, dear." "How was your day at school?" "It's high school." "Sorry, how was your day in hell?" "It's not even over yet." "My mom's hosting this college prep thing here tonight." "So this guy is gonna come over and talk about like, the application process." "Or you could come with me to this cool live music club that just opened in J.P." "What?" "It's been weeks since that tailgating party" "I took you to, your mom can't still be pissed about that." "She's not but she'd kill me if I missed tonight." " Maybe tomorrow?" " Sure, no worries." "God, your life is so different from how I grew up." "Half the kids at my school didn't even go to college." "Well, yeah." "At Charton, college isn't a choice, it's like a requirement." "And at least my mom's not as crazy as Greer's parents." "You're seeing Greer again?" "I mean, just as friends." "So you're single." "Well, if you're ready to get back out there and mingle," "I know something that could give you a little jumpstart." " Bren?" " Yeah?" "I could use your help straightening up out here." "Uh, just give me..." "Wow." "I don't know if..." "Hi, Natalie." "I didn't know you were here." "Yeah, I'm quiet like that." "Stealth." "Kinda like these." "They don't even look fake, right?" "I'm gonna take this off." "Yeah, that's probably best." "Yeah, people are gonna be here in half an hour and that's not exactly the right look." "You want my two cents?" "If she wears that to her college interviews, she'll get in wherever she wants." "Hey." "I tried calling you yesterday." "Yeah, I know, I was really busy, so..." "Yeah, I guess I wasn't the only one who got in trouble after the Richie Miranda thing, huh?" "You could say that." "What's up?" "Well, I, uh..." "Was calling to say that I'm sorry." "For putting you in such a..." "Horrible position with your job and for the crappy things I said that night and..." "For just being a jerk in general lately." "Well..." "You've been going through a lot." "At least that's what my mom told me." "It wasn't like I was keeping that from you intentionally." "I just didn't know how to talk to you about what's going on with me right now." "What is going on with you?" "I wish I knew." "But I know I miss you." "Me too." "So I'll call you later?" "Sure, next time I'll pick up." "When it comes to college applications these days, a kid needs to have the grades, the test scores, and the extracurriculars to have a shot at a top-tier school." "How many of you have at least a 3.8 G.P.A.?" "And how many have taken four or more A.P. classes?" "Okay, good." "Now how many of you are volunteering at a non-profit, or better yet, starting your own?" "What?" "Some inner-city kids want to learn how to knit." "Cool." "So the next step is making your dream list of where you want to go to college." "Your own top 10." "Parents, read that list and know how your kids are spending their time." "They're juniors now." "Mistakes they make today may not be fixable by the time schools make their decisions." "And then he goes..." ""I know I miss you."" "And I'm like, what the hell am I supposed to do with that?" "Beth, are you even listening to me?" "Yeah, Leo's a total douche." "Sorry, Jacqueline wants me to hire a replacement for myself and keeps sending me more and more requirements." "She has to be pretty, intelligent," " fashionable, organized." " Hmm, how'd you get the job?" "Hilarious." "Oh, um, sorry, i forgot to tell you," "I told Graham he could crash our date." "I keep bailing on him because of work." "Hey, girl." " Hey." " Aww..." " Oh, that's so sweet." " Right?" "Didn't I see these at your place yesterday?" "Yes." "Whatever." "You know, reduce, reuse, recycle." "It's not even like Dominic wanted them anyway." "He just got 'em." "Why'd he buy flowers he didn't want?" "Oh..." "Uh..." "What?" "It's fine." "A girl sent them to him." "Really?" "Who?" "I have no idea." "He wouldn't tell me." "The dude has been hiding stuff." "Did you guys know his Daft Punk book's about to come out?" "He's having a book signing Saturday night." " No." " All right, good, I'm not the only one." "He probably told this mystery flower girl." "They text nonstop." "He was getting text messages when we were at the hospital yesterday." "Oh, I'm fine." "The doctor's like 99% sure it's nothing, so..." "Okay, good." "I guess that's somewhat reassuring." " Somewhat?" " Graham..." "I'm just saying, statistically speaking, 1% is only helpful in understanding the likelihood that something will happen." "If you're the 1% that it happens to, then for you, the cancer's totally 100% back." " In theory." " Yeah." "That's kind of what I'm worried about." "See, she was already worried." " Hello?" " Oh hi, hey." "Um, Dr. Hamburg, hi." "April, is everything okay?" "Uh, yeah, totally." "I had a super quick question." "Uh, so I found this bruise on my arm, I'm sure it's nothing." "I wasn't even gonna call you about it, especially not this early, but I figured, you know, you're camping, probably up to see the sunrise, right?" "Not exactly." "I'm so sorry." "But since I have you now, how do I tell if this bruise is a regular one or a cancer bruise?" "It's sort of blue and purple-y and yellow." "Does that mean something's wrong?" "Well, the color of your bruise doesn't tell me anything but this conversation tells me that you have anxiety." "But, April, you're gonna have to deal with the possibility of relapse for the rest of your life." "You have to learn how to control your anxiety." "How?" "Some people use anti-depressants, other people use medical marijuana, some people work it out through exercise, yoga, meditation." "Some people find spirituality." "What if none of those things work?" "There's that anxiety again." "Why don't we start with exercise?" "Get out right now, go get some fresh air." "I love that you're joining me for this." "Even if it had to be doctor's orders." "You wanna tell me more about what she said?" "I feel like talking about my anxiety is probably not gonna help me have less of it." "We should talk about something else." "How's work?" "You really wanna know?" "Why?" "Did something happen?" "Yes, something definitely happened." "I, um..." "What's the word you girls always use?" "I..." "I hooked up with a man at work." "Oh my God." "Really?" "Wait, like, a patient?" " Isn't that illegal?" " No, April!" "He's a man I share a waiting room with." "A lawyer." "Okay, hold on." "What happened?" "No, I don't..." "I don't want details." "Are you guys..." "A) Dating." "Or B) Just other stuff?" "B." "I'm pretty sure just B." "Mom!" "I don't know, I..." "You know I've been feeling like I've got to embrace life and act on my instincts." "And now I think I would rather talk about my anxiety." "Okay, fair enough." "You, um..." "Think about the anxiety medication any more?" "I don't know, I just..." "I spent months taking all those pills, you know?" "Taking more drugs is the last thing I wanna do." "For now I guess I'll just focus on the one place I always find zen." " April." " Whoa." "Uh..." " Don't tell me you're napping." " No, I was just..." "Making me second-guess what I was about to ask you." "Listen, I have a lot going on today and I need your help to cover a few things." "I figured you owe me from when I saved your career." "So..." "Start by confirming the dates on the political calendar and then edit Danny's article on the cuts to the prison-guard budget." "It's riveting." "Could be more so." "Also, take a look at the article on the dangers of the microwave." "Another new study just came out." "But I use a microwave all the time." "And you got cancer, so..." "Mom, you should have heard this guy last night." "I'm telling you, Brenna is behind the curve here." "I mean, even Ford has a 4.0." "Ford!" "I told you that girl was a genius." "Yeah, well, that genius is gonna get in to whatever college she wants." "Brenna may not get in anywhere." "I highly doubt that." "Mom, the counselor said you have to know what your kid is doing all the time." "Well, I know what my kid is doing." "She's working in a tattoo parlor, hanging out with..." "Not-so-great influences, like Natalie." "I never interfered with you when you were Brenna's age and somehow you managed to cobble together a life for yourself." "I believed in letting you make your own mistakes." "Okay, well maybe you should do that again, let me make my own mistakes." "Suit yourself." "Oh, Natalie, you on your way out?" "That's probably good timing," "I was hoping to get Brenna alone so we could go over this college list." "Actually, Mom, we were on our way out, so..." "Really?" "Where to?" "Um, dinner at The Charles." "What a coincidence." "Mom and I were going to the Charles too." " Seriously?" " Seriously?" "Seriously." "Yeah, we can go over the list there." "It'll be fun." "My treat." "What should I tell Jade?" "She's waiting for us at the bar." "Just tell her we got hijacked, at least we're getting a free dinner out of it." "Welcome to trivia night!" "Trivia night?" "Oh, how fun!" "Let's play a round." "What?" "It can't hurt to practice trivia." "Well, you're getting ready for your S.A.T.S." "Okay..." "Boring categories..." "Literature, history, politics." "Oh, pop culture!" "Eh, it's kind of a hard one." "Name a member of O.J. Simpson's legal team." "Robert Kardashian." "How'd you know that?" "Kar-dash-ian." "Ooh, here's one I know from astronomy." "What is the second planet from the sun?" "Boom." "It's Uranus." "No, it's Venus." "But Uranus is funnier." "You know, I've never understood why some girls think it's so funny to act dumb." "And that is round one." "Don't forget to double down if you're feeling lucky." "My life was going on fine, all cool, you know." "And then I took a blood test and I found out that I had stage three ovarian cancer." "My parents were like," ""a three, just a three?" "You couldn't do any better?"" "Then after going through the chemo and, um..." "Going into remission," "I found I didn't actually feel better." "I felt like I was still sick." "Always waiting for the other shoe to drop." "Okay, I was a basket case." "So my mom basically forced me to come talk to our rabbi." "Coming here, it, um..." "It saved me." "I guess that's how life works, right?" "We don't really ask for help until we're at the bottom, looking up." "So anyway, thanks, dude," "for everything." "Thank you." "Mazel tov." "I'm not religious, are you?" "Not really." "Yeah." "I don't even believe in God." "But I'm willing to, if he'll help me pass the L.S.A.T.S next week." "I keep telling him this is his final chance." "I mean, he really blew it on the last one." "He blew it with me too." "One last chance, God." "Yeah, I could really use some help right around now." "Hi, sorry." "You're Shauna's rabbi, right?" " Rabbi Rick." " April." "I'm not Jewish." "But I really like what I'm seeing here." "Everybody just seems so happy." "Makes me wonder if there's a sign-up sheet I can add my name to." "What is it you're asking exactly?" "Well, I don't know if judaism is for me, but I think I wanna start believing in God." "Let me ask you a question first." "What do you think is keeping you from believing?" "Honestly, I've never really been much of a believer." "And then, you know, I spent all that time in the hospital going through chemo and..." "Just never found God." "I looked, but, um..." "I even went to the chapel once." "But yeah, he wasn't there." "Not for me." "Was anybody there for you?" "At the chapel?" "Yeah." "Did that person help you?" "Yeah, he did." "Well, maybe that's who God sent." "You know, religion is separate from God." "It's one way to connect with God." "But religion, that's a whole way of life." "It's more of a long-term solution." "It's not a quick fix." "Right." "Well, thank you." "Of course." "Still angsting out about that blood test, huh?" " Yeah." " Yeah." "I've been there." "And, you know, a quick fix isn't always such a bad thing." "A pot cookie?" "Works every time." "But what about all of the talk about how God helped you?" "He did, he does." "They're not mutually exclusive, man." "I know what you're thinking." "I'm pushing my daughter away, i know all that, Mom." "I didn't say a word." "It just pains me to see Brenna not living up to her potential." "Up to whose potential?" "Morning, Brenna." "What's your plan for the rest of the day?" "Oh, you know, drugs, casual sex, maybe some street crime, the ushe." "Sounds like a fun afternoon." "Brenna, come on." "I feel like I haven't done a very good job of conveying to you what an amazing, intelligent person I think you are." "Really, Mom?" "Because I know that you don't think that amazing, intelligent people get grades like I do." "And amazing, intelligent people don't work in tattoo parlors and watch reality TV shows about pawn-shop owners and parking police, right?" "Grandma, you coming?" "You know, those shows are really good once you get into them." "Ugh." "Jacqueline keeps asking me to send her questions for her interview with the Brazilian." "It's not an interview, it's a bikini wax." "Learn to read your own schedule." "Are you sure we should go to Dominic's book signing?" "I mean, he didn't invite us." "Don't tell me you're nervous about meeting this mystery girl, whoever she is." "So are you, like, having feelings for Dominic?" "You know, 'cause things with you and Leo are weird right now..." "No no." "God, no." "I just..." "I need something to fixate on..." "When I'm anxious in the middle of the night." "And the middle of the day." " And morning." " Mm-hmm." "Oh my God." "You remember Meg from my support group?" " Yeah." " She just had a blood test a few hours ago and found out her cancer's back." "I just saw her this morning and she seemed fine." "So what, it's just back?" "Like, out of the blue?" "Yeah, because that happens." "Which is why I'm such a mess right now." "Hmm." "I can't..." "I can't believe this." "All right, April, I'm cutting you off." "I am gonna go to the bathroom and then when I get back we're gonna go to Dominic's book signing, okay?" "All right." "Hey, nice helmet." "Did you make that?" "Maybe this wasn't such a good idea." "I'm, like, having trouble breathing." "Okay, let's get you a glass of wine." "Um, can you mix that with pot?" "What?" "I had a tiny little bit of a pot cookie that Shauna gave me." "April Carver!" "Seriously?" "!" "I don't even think it's working, so..." "Clearly not, if you're still this stressed." "How much did you eat?" "Um..." "Yeah, that's not enough." "You need to have more." "Here?" "Mm-hmm." "More." "You're such a peer pressurer." "No no, I'm such a friend." "Okay, trust me, I would join you if I didn't have to be on call for Jacqueline." " Hey." " Hi." "I have the perfect idea for tonight." "Uh, the entire first season of "Twin Peaks"?" " How did you know that?" " It's always the plan." "I like routine." "Yeah, okay, just give me one second." "Sorry." "Jacqueline, hi." "Okay." "Have you tried putting some aloe on that area?" "Well, I'm kind of in a public place so I can't really walk you through it here." "Okay, I'll be right there." "You do not want to know what I need to go do right now." "Wait wait, are you leaving?" "I thought we were gonna hang out later?" "I'm sorry, I'll make it up to you." "Dinner tomorrow?" "Have fun." "Okay." "Well, I'll be in the self-help section." "April?" "Dominic, hi, hey." "Congratulations." "Um, I didn't know you were coming." "I just wanted to support you." "Is that okay?" "Do you not want me here?" "'Cause I could go, I can..." "I mean, if there are, like, people here you don't want me to meet." "Oh my God." "She's here, isn't she?" " Who?" " Whoever it is you're trying to keep me away from." " That's your new girlfriend?" " No." "No, that is my mother." "I thought she was in prison." "Oh my God, did she break out?" "No no, she was released a couple of weeks ago." "I've been helping her get settled." "You don't sound happy about that." "By the way, you're the only person who knows about the whole prison thing." "Graham thinks she's been living in Maryland." "Got anything I can do to help?" "Dom?" "Look at you." "Oh, I couldn't be more proud." "You're a real author!" "Oh..." "Um, April, this is my mom, Marianne." "Mom, April." "And how are you?" "I'm fine." "Don't I look fine?" "Mr. Russo?" " Oh." "They need me to go sign some books." "Are you really all right?" "Yeah, in fact I am better than all right." "I feel good." "I guess, good as..." "As much good as all right is." "But I'm..." "Go, uh, I'll be fine here with April." "So there's nothing medical to explain the headaches, the depression?" "I've also had these kind of, like, bursts of anger." "If your tumor had been compromising your cerebral cortex, which plays a key role in perceptional awareness and thought, then possibly." "But for you, this wasn't the case." "Well, maybe the surgery did something to my brain." "Or the coma." "Sure, I suppose it's possible." "Anything is." "Well, can you do anything about it?" "Probably not, no." "Some brain injury can happen with your kind of surgery." "And for your meds, even if they're making you feel bad, you still need to take them." "So no, not at this time." "And frankly these are medications you probably will be taking for the rest of your life..." "I love the classics." "I actually spent a lot of the past year reading them." "Mmm, I bet." "Oh man, what I wouldn't give for some time to just..." "Lock myself away and read." "I mean..." "You know what I mean, just to have the time." "I mean, well, there is such a thing as..." "Doing too much time." "I mean, having it." "Having too much time." "Right, you wouldn't wanna literally be locked up." "Because then it sort of takes the fun out of the whole experience." "Believe me." "Um, you wouldn't be making fun of me being incarcerated, would you?" "'Cause if you are, I might have to break your legs." "I'm so sorry." "No no no, I was kidding." "I was kidding." "No, I'm glad that Dominic told you." "It's nice that he has someone nice to talk to." "And you seem nice." "A little quirky, but so am I." "So how do you know my Dom?" "Hmm." "And then we were on this break and I slept with a guy from my support group." " Hmm..." " One time." "One time." "I mean, okay..." "One time then." "A few times since." "Just..." "Anyway..." "Yeah, Dom just has never forgiven me." "And I just don't think he ever will." "Well, you know what, it sounds like that even if he doesn't, you should forgive yourself." "You know, things are really complicated with me and Dom, as I'm sure that you can guess." "We used to be really close." "See, I convinced myself that what I was doing wasn't really that bad." "I mean, I was just covering the tracks of my boss for this financial thing." "And I got caught." "And the idea of telling him..." "I just..." "I couldn't bring myself..." "To tell him I'm a criminal." "So I lied to him." "I lied to my son." "And that's actually the thing I regret the most." "And that's the thing he hasn't forgiven me for." "But..." "All you can do is keep showing up, ready to be forgiven, and hope that one day he'll be ready too." "Wow, you are just so peaceful..." "About everything." "You know what, you know what saved me?" "This book." " Um..." " Here, you can have it." "That book got me through prison." "Which is a tall order for somebody like me who was raised catholic." "A lot of judgment, kind of really does a number on your head." "My mom said you weren't feeling well." "You seemed a little weird all night." "Um..." "I ate a little bit of a pot cookie." "It was medicinal." "But apparently, pot can be pretty potent." "That rhymes." "Wait, does it?" "You can't go home like this." "No, I just..." "I just need to lie down for like one second." "Just a quick little..." "Come with me." "Where are you taking me?" "My place." "I remember this place." "Oh my God." "Your couch is so comfortable." "Your mom's funny." "And nice." "I used to feel that way about her." "You're so nice too." "Taking me to the hospital the other day and now you're helping me tonight." "Don't worry about it." "I know I haven't always been so nice to you." "It's okay, April." "I still think about that." "I still feel bad." "A lot." "I forgive you." "_" "Hey, it's Leo." "So much for promising to answer." "Just kidding." "It's late and, uh, I just wanted to let you know" "I'm going to New York for a couple weeks." "You know, to get my head together, hopefully." "I'm taking the train tomorrow morning." "So I'll call you when I get there." "Bye." "Natalie, hi." "The girls aren't here right now." "That's okay." "I came to talk to you." "Oh." "Are you all right?" "Yes and no." "I don't love it when people think I'm stupid." "What?" "It's obvious you think I'm some kind of idiot and don't want me hanging around your daughters." "Which is funny, considering you're the one who brought me here to help your daughter." "But that was about my bone marrow, not my brain." "Okay." "I think you're a very nice girl." "But different families have different expectations for their kids and..." "Like my mom's are low and yours are high?" "I saw how you treated her, I know what you think of her." "That's not what I meant." "Well, it probably is what you meant, just not what you meant to say." "Look..." "Not that it's any of your business, but I decided to stay in Boston to get to know my half sisters and learn more about my dad." "Sorry if that's not ambitious enough for you." "But it's sort of the cards that I've been dealt." "Wait, Natalie." "Natalie!" "I really had no idea." "And maybe unintentionally I have taken out some of my frustration with your mom on you." "And if I have, I'm sorry, really." "Well, at least you're admitting it." "But, Sara," "I'm not my mom." "And by the way, Brenna's not you." "Are you okay?" "Am I okay?" "How are you?" "What?" "Why would you even be thinking about me right now?" "April, there was a train crash." "The 10:00 A.M. to New York, a bunch of people were killed." "Leo." "We haven't been able to reach him." "Was that definitely the one he was on?" "Yeah, he came by to say goodbye to me on the way to the station." "It's Leo, leave a message." "Uh..." "I have to go." "It's Leo, leave a message." "It's Leo." "Mom, Grandma, Brenna!" "I was so messed up after seeing Meg that I just started walking and I..." "I guess just lost the track of time." "That's why you missed the train?" "And my phone was out of power and then I heard about the crash and I had to see you." "We all thought you were dead." "I should be." "Again." "Wait, what are you saying?" " Never mind, it's..." " No, talk to me!" "Are you really saying you wish you were dead?" "Why do I keep surviving when really good people have to die?" "People with hopes and dreams." "Jackson was gonna be on Broadway and Meg has always wanted to be a civil rights attorney, and now she might not make it." "They knew how they wanted to leave their marks on the world and they don't get to do it." "But I'm still here?" "You can't think like that." "I just..." "I feel..." "I just feel so..." "Guilty." "I read something interesting in a Buddhist book this morning." "And it basically said that..." "Everything is exactly the way it should be." "What if that's true?" "You know, what if..." "You missing the train and me finding you here..." "You know, us both still living..." "Maybe it's not about finding the reason that all this is happening." "Maybe it's just about trusting that there is one." "Thank you." "Thank you for opening up to me." "I wanted to, I just..." "I didn't wanna push you away." "This is just different..." "For me." "I've never..." "Felt this way about anyone." "I'm so sorry, I'm so late." "So until, you know, I find a replacement" "I have to do both assistant jobs." "Which means I have to organize the shipping for the new fall line and then I have to buy an outfit for Jacqueline's dog to match it." "So, um, what's all this?" "I mean, it looks amazing." " This isn't working." " What do you mean?" "This relationship, with your job." "It's..." "I didn't want it to happen this way, but..." "Wait wait wait." "You're breaking up with me?" "Because I've been working a lot lately?" "Right, right, you know, I am so sorry." "Was it easier for you when I was just available..." "Hold on, I'm not breaking up with you." "Oh, but you..." "Well, you just said about my job..." "Your job is crazy." "And I don't see you enough." "And that's why I think we should just move in together." "That way I can take the late-night and early-morning shifts." "Um..." "Beth Kingston, will you move in with me?" "A bribe?" "Really, Mom?" "A peace offering." "I'm sorry." "I know things have been a little tense with us." "Mostly because of me and my assumptions and expectations." "Right?" "I mean, you can say it." "Kinda, yeah." "But I want you to know" "I want to support you in your choices." " Really?" " Yeah." "Okay, because I was sitting down to make my college list." "Oh, yeah?" "Yeah, and I saw something that got me kind of excited." "You know, I've saved up some money working at the gallery and I plan to save a whole bunch more over the next year." "Right." " And?" " And..." "And..." "I wanna take a year off to travel." "Oh... kay." "_" "I know."