"Morning." "Morning." "You, by chance, have the number of a good chiropractor?" "What about Alan?" "(laughing)" "Sorry." "I couldn't resist." "What, is your back out?" "Not yet, but I got a big date for Valentine's Day." "And if everything goes well, I'll need a chiropractor, a psychiatrist and a priest." "I can't wait for this stupid holiday to be over so we can celebrate something cool, like..." "Free Bobblehead at Dodger Stadium Day." "What are you talking about?" "Valentine's Day." "Or what it should really be called:" "Dumb Greeting Card, Chocolate-Covered," "Overpriced Flowers, Can't Get a Dinner Reservation," "I'm Probably Going to Die Alone Anyway Day." "Sounds like Cupid's arrow hit somebody right in the the bile sack." "Don't get my started on that fat, flying baby." "What could you possibly have against Cupid?" "First of all, he's wearing a diaper." "Yeah, that's sexy." "And then he's got wings, which make you think of angels, which makes you think of God, which makes you feel guilty about having sex in the first place." "And in the second place." "Well, I, for one, am going all out for Lyndsey this year." "Really?" "What's that mean?" "Cemetery flowers and a coupon for one free go-around on Mr. Alan's Wild Ride?" "I am sparing no expense." "Lyndsey deserves the best, and I am finally going to give it to her." "Well, if you're giving it to her, it's not going to be the best." "(cell phone chimes)" "Wow." "What?" "I just got an e-mail from Kate." "She's in town." "She wants to see me." "Did she say why?" "No." "Could be anything." "It could be nothing." "Could be something." "Could be something serious." "What if she's dying?" "What if she's pregnant?" "Wait, what if she's dying to be pregnant?" "The woman I love wants to have my child." "Oh, my God, I'm going to be a father." "Advantage: fat, flying baby." "You have the number of a good chiropractor?" "♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪" "♪ Ah..." "♪ Men." "♪ Two and a Half Men 10x16 ♪ Advantage:" "Fat, Flying Baby Original Air Date on February 14, 2013" "== sync, corrected by elderman ==" "Kate." "Sam." "Oh... it's..." "I'm kidding." "Oh." "Hi, Walden." "Hi." "Hi." "Hi." "I, uh..." "I got you your favorite coffee." "Hey, how'd you remember?" "Please, how hard is it to remember a grande, extra hot, decaf, triple shot, five pump vanilla, nonfat, no foam, whip cream, caramel macchiato?" "Actually, I switched to tea." "Oh." "It's a joke." "Well, you look great." "Success is really working for you." "Then again, you'd look great with a bag over your head." "That didn't come off as charming as I wanted it to." "Thank you." "I can't believe how lucky I've been." "Lucky?" "Come on, you have real talent." "I-I actually bought one of your dresses off your Web site." "Seriously?" "Yeah, I haven't had a chance to wear it yet." "(laughs)" "I've been waiting for the perfect occasion." "I was really surprised that you called me." "Yeah, I'm actually in town for a couple of days on business, and I wanted to see you." "You did?" "Me, too." "I mean, other than stalking you on Facebook." "Well, I wanted to give you this." "It's the money you invested in me." "Oh, Kate." "I gave this to my girlfriend so she could follow her dreams." "And I am paying back my investor so I don't owe him anything." "S-So this is why you wanted to see me." "Walden, we broke up." "When you break up, you give the other person their stuff back." "Yes, but it's usually a cell phone charger and a bite guard." "Well, in this case, it's $100,000." "Well, I don't want it." "But I do want my bite guard back." "Buy another one." "Or 1,000 of them." "Kate, just put the money into your business." "It'll help you get to the next level." "I don't need it." "I've actually found a new investor." "That's how I'm able to pay you back." "So, we're no longer business partners." "We are not." "Well, that's great." "That frees us up to be two young, crazy dreamers in love." "No." "Okay, how about two cautiously optimistic adults sharing dinner?" "I don't think that's a good idea." "Give me one more run at this." "(sighs)" "Two old friends, chance encounter, bus stop, sharing a bag of tacos." "Not going to happen." "Too bad." "I was really looking for an excuse to wear my new dress." "Hi." "Um, I am interested in doing something special for my best gal on Valentine's Day." "Uh, how much is your Presidential Suite?" "Uh-huh, I-I see." "Um, do you, by any chance, have a Secretary of Agriculture Suite?" "All right, all right, you know what, let me just book your best regular-people room, and, uh, would it be possible to, uh, split the deposit over three credit cards?" "Oh, oh, sure, I'll hold." "Oh, oh, hey, how'd it go with Kate?" "Let's just say she doesn't want me in her business." "Financial or lady." "Oh, oh, I'm sorry." "Yeah, the only reason she wanted to see me was to give me this stupid check for $100,000." "(softly):" "You're not stupid to me." "So, uh, what's the next step?" "There is no next step." "It's over." "What are you talking about?" "She doesn't want anything to do with me." "(scoffs)" "Well, there's a good attitude." "Let me ask you something." "Was it over for Lyndsey and me when I burned her house to the ground?" "No." "Was it over for us when I introduced her mom to my mom, who subsequently turned her into a rapacious lesbian?" "No." "And-and-and what about me living in this house?" "Was it over when my brother died and you bought the place?" "Sadly, no." "Right, because I am not a quitter." "And you aren't, either." "You're Walden Schmidt, captain of industry." "Titan of technology." "Head honcho of handsomeness." "Ran out of steam?" "Yes, but you'll notice I did not quit." "Maybe you're right." "Of course I'm right." "Nothing is over until you say it's over." "With the possible exception of me moving out, which will only happen when you wheel me into the assisted living facility." "You're right." "I'm going to go talk to her." "Thank you, Alan." "No problem, buddy." "I will always be here for you." "Literally." "Oh, uh, hello." "Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah." "Um, I have a MasterCard, a Discover card and my mom's Visa." "Walden." "Great, you've already showered." "Now, get dressed." "We're going to dinner." "What?" "No." "(makes buzzer noise) Sorry, wrong answer." "The head honcho of handsomeness rejects your rejection." "Is that a title you gave yourself?" "No, it was given to me by the man I live with." "(sighs) How did you find my room?" "They told me at the front desk." "They're not supposed to do that." "They're also not supposed to accept bribes, but here I am." "I am not going to dinner with you." "Fine." "You don't want to go to dinner with me, then then we will have dinner right here." "Look, your favorite:" "a half-eaten lobster with a cigarette butt in it." "Oh, I was really hoping for coleslaw with a Band-Aid in it." "Come on, Kate, go to dinner with him." "Don't be so shellfish." "(laughing)" "You know you're an idiot, right?" "I'm a persistent idiot." "(sighs)" "Let me get dressed." "Yay." "Why would I do that?" "Oh, hey, there's my valentine." "Will you be mine?" "Hi, Alan." "Yes, I will." "Great, 'cause I got something special planned." "Is this going to be another scavenger hunt that ends in your pants?" "Ah..." "No, no, this year, I booked us a room at the Bel-Air Hotel with the full romance package." "Oh, my God, are you serious?" "Oh, yeah, uh, candlelight dinner, dancing, couples massage, followed by savage sex with the man of your dreams." "Steve Buscemi's going to be there?" "(laughing)" "That sounds amazing." "But how can you afford it?" "Ah, bup, bup, bup." "Nothing is too good for milady." "Besides, a month without antidepressants isn't going to kill me." "I don't know what to say." "Oh, you don't have to say anything." "Just pack your bag, and your chariot will arrive at 6:00." "Yeah, would it be okay if we took my chariot?" "Why?" "Really, I have to say it out loud?" "I don't want to pull up to the Bel-Air Hotel in your piece-of-crap car." "Oh, oh, uh, we can use your car." "Oh, and if the front desk refers to you as Evelyn Harper, just roll with it." "Okay." "Well, I love you." "I love you, too." "Well." "That went well." "I won't be needing these clues for the scavenger hunt." "Wasn't that better than sitting in your room all alone watching porn?" "Is that what you do?" "What, me?" "No..." "I'm a Bible guy." "(laughing)" "Well, thanks." "I had a really nice time." "Me, too." "Well, good night." "Uh, but... good night?" "Yeah." "Oh, I was hoping that maybe we could... you know, have hotel fun." "I don't sleep with guys on the first date." "First date?" "We lived together." "No, I lived with Sam Wilson." "Who you bare an uncanny resemblance to, but... still, I think we should take it slow." "Okay, I get it." "Good night." "What do you want, Walden?" "Oh, uh... it's not Walden;" "it's Sam Wilson." "Go away." "Eh, it was worth a shot." "Morning." "Oh, there he is." "Come here." "What?" "Just come here." "Oh!" "Oh, what a lovely way to start the day." "Don't kiss me." "I have morning breath." "Thank you." "You're welcome." "What did I do?" "You were right." "Kate and I wound up having a great time last night." "Congratulations." "Yeah." "It was perfect." "I mean, it was the same... chemistry, the same connection." "Hmm, when you say "connection,"" "are we talking "love connection"?" "And by "love connection,"" "I mean, "brown chicken, brown cow."" "No." "No?" "Nah, I didn't want to." "You know," "I just wanted to take it slow." "So we could connect on a more emotional, spiritual level." "Huh." "Sounds pretty gay to me, but... all right." "So when are you gonna see her again?" "Tonight." "On Valentine's Day?" "Yep." "Ooh, that's a terrific day not to get laid." "I know, right?" "Oh, oh, hey, can I ask your opinion about something?" "Yeah, of course." "Great." "What-what do you think of this?" "Whoa!" "Dude!" "What the hell?" "Oh, uh, I-I did a little manscaping for my, uh... my big night with Lyndsey tonight." "I wanted to surprise her." "Uh... does this look like a heart?" "Uh..." "Yeah, it looks great." "I love it." "You're not even looking." "Come on, I had your back." "Yeah, well, I don't want to have your front." "Please?" "Fine." "But I'm going to restrict my response to only the nest." "I'm not going to comment on the baby bird sitting on top of the eggs." "That's all I ask." "No." "Doesn't look like a heart." "What?" "It-it doesn't?" "No." "There's no... cleavage, there's no dip." "It's just... there." "Wait, what are you talking about?" "There's a..." "there's a curve right there." "The whole thing is lopsided." "Oh, no." "It just looks that way 'cause I haven't fluffed." "See?" "No, it still doesn't look like a heart." "Fine, I'll keep working on it." "But it is very difficult to manscape from this angle." "No, it's not." "Uh, yeah, it is." "Okay, just for a frame of reference... check out my manscaping." "Oh, my God." "It's beautiful." "Mm-hmm." "BERTA:" "I knew it." "So that's how you pay the rent." "Alan, come on, let's go." "I want to spend every possible minute in that hotel room." "ALAN:" "One second!" "Just finishing off one last Valentine's surp... (screams)" "Alan?" "(gasps)" "Oh, my God, what happened?" "Manscaping..." "Balls..." "Hospital!" "(heavy breathing)" "Well, I believe we just combined Valentine's Day with the Fourth of July." "What do you say we throw in Groundhog Day and do it again?" "(laughs)" "You know..." "I had no intention of sleeping with you." "I even wore my granny panties." "Well, the joke's on you, 'cause I like a sensible, full-coverage brief." "(laughs)" "I really missed you." "Me, too." "Can I tell you a secret, though?" "Sure." "Sam Wilson is a much better lover than you." "I'm sorry." "I couldn't get my mind off of Alan's penis." "(laughs)" "Oh, please drive faster." "I'm bleeding out... of my scrotum." "(groans)" "Where in the world did you get the idea to shave your pubic hair into a heart?" "I read about it in a magazine." "What magazine?" "Marie Claire." "Doesn't look much like a heart." "Well, it's bleeding like one." "(siren wails)" "Oh..." "Oh." "Oh, my God." "This is the end." "I'm seeing lights." "You're not dying." "We're getting pulled over." "Oh, nice job, lead foot." "Do you want to keep your other ball?" "Evening, ma'am." "Do you know why I pulled you over?" "I know I was speeding, but I have a very good excuse." "Is that so?" "Show him, Alan." "What?" "No!" "Show him." "Oh..." "Oh, sweet mother of God!" "Is that a heart?" "Thank you." "(gasps) Oh, my God!" "Wha...?" "Alan, no." "Sorry." "What's..." "what's going on?" "You're not going to believe this." "My business partner just found a factory." "We can start production on my line immediately." "That's great." "Congratulations." "Oh, my God, this is so exciting." "We leave for China tomorrow." "Tomorrow?" "Oh, you know what?" "Wait..." "I'm gonna be in Japan in two weeks on business." "I could hop over to China." "We could get some kung pao chicken, maybe adopt a baby." "Oh..." "Kung pao chicken is such a commitment." "Ah, wait." "In two weeks, I have to be back here." "Okay." "Oh, how about the week of the tenth?" "I have a tech conference in Austin." "You could come with me." "Oh." "Let me check." "I don't know if you've ever been to a tech conference, but picture a comic book convention with nerdier guys." "You would be their queen." "(laughs)" "Ah, no, that won't work." "Um..." "How about first week in May?" "I can do the second." "And I can't." "This was a lot easier when we were both broke." "It was." "(chuckles)" "How about this?" "Are you free for sex in 30 seconds?" "I have an opening." "Let me check." "Well, I'll have to move a few things around, but yes, I am." "(laughs)" "Hi." "Hi." "How you doing?" "I'm high, humiliated and hairless." "I'm sorry I ruined Valentine's Day." "What are you talking about?" "Well, I wanted it to be special because, you know," "I haven't always been the best boyfriend, or even a good boyfriend." "Or even an adequate boyfr..." "Feel free to stop me at any time." "I'm just teasing you." "The fact that you even tried means everything to me." "Really?" "Really." "And driving 95 miles an hour behind a police escort?" "Best Valentine's Day ever." "Oh, hey, you know, uh... we could pull this curtain." "Seriously?" "They just put ten stitches in your junk." "I thought we could take advantage of the swelling." "Okay." "LYNDSEY:" "You ready?" "ALAN:" "Ow." "Ow, ow." "Ow!" "Don't-don't stop." "Ow!" "(Alan groaning)" "I know I'm going to regret asking this, but... how's your ball?" "Throbbing and green." "So what's going on with you and Kate?" "I don't know." "It's going to be hard to make a relationship work with her traveling all around the world." "Mmm, that's rough." "Not "tetanus shot in your sack" rough, but..." "Hey, how's she affording all this?" "She's got some new investor with a lot of money." "Oh, that's nice." "Yeah, except I don't know if I'm ever gonna see her again." "If you don't leave it alone, it'll never heal." "If you don't stop doing that," "I'm gonna make you wear a cone around it." "What a stroke of luck, you finding that factory in China." "ROSE:" "I know." "Sometimes fate steps in and makes things happen." "I'm not gonna lie-- I wish the timing were better." "Well, if he really loves you, he'll wait for you." "How did you know I have a boyfriend?" "Oh, a pretty girl like you?" "You'd have to have a boyfriend." "He's amazing." "I'm crazy about him." "Been there." "== sync, corrected by elderman =="