"Ripped By mstoll Happy New Year 2015" " New Year, New Color ;-)" "(EXHALES)" "Okay, okay." "Hi." "I'm Patrick." "No." "No." " Do you come here a lot?" "No." "And what's your name?" "I didn't catch your name." " Stop talking." "Okay, I'm sorry." " Oh, yeah." "(GASPS) Cold hands." "Very cold." "(GROANS)" "(CELL PHONE RINGS) Oh!" "Ow." "Shit." "I'm so sorry." "I thought it was on vibrate." "I should probably get this." "Thank you." "Where are you guys?" "I thought we were in this together." "No, you left me." "Are you still there?" " Tell us." "Okay, okay, it was a very, very small handjob, like two seconds long," "(GIGGLING) and the guy" " Don't laugh." "The guy that gave it to me was very hairy." "He was, like-- not even hipster hairy, like gym teacher hairy." " Oh." "That can be hot." "It was kind of hot." "It was." "I was kind of getting into it, but then the minute my phone rang, and it was you guys calling me," "I immediately thought that it was my mom." " Oh, God." "Like she somehow knew where I was and she was calling to stop me from becoming one of those gays that hooks up with people in a park." "Come on." "Look, I'm proud of you, okay?" "You're a pervert now." "You've gotta wear those colors with pride." "I'm not taking weed with you ever again." "If I was a 28-year-old billionaire," "I would build something way bigger." "No kidding." "And with a fence or something and some kind of security, at least, like, a camera or a gate." " Yeah." "Do you see it, Paddy?" " He's not listening." "Do we have any bourbon?" "Yeah, we've got tons of bourbon." " Bring on the bourbon." "Bring on the bourbon." " Light up the lantern." "Light up the lantern." "Bring on the bourbon." "I just think it's really weird to invite your ex-boyfriend" "to your bachelor party, right?" "Are you kidding me?" "The fact that they're even having a joint one is so horrible." "Right?" " I don't even know where to start." "I think the only reason that he invited me is 'cause he thought I wasn't actually gonna show up, which kinda makes me wanna show up to show him that" "I'm totally fine with the fact that he's getting married, even though it kinda makes me feel a little weird." "Why do you even care?" "You dumped him." "I know." "I know we broke up for a reason, but, you know, things are complicated." "And yes, he" "Yeah, the reason was 'cause he was boring!" "Yeah, I know that he was boring" "But now he met Gabe and four months later they're getting married?" "How does that even happen?" " Well, is he hot?" "ls Gabe hot?" " Yeah." "He's a little portly." "(CHUCKLING)" "Which is not an insult." "It's not an insult." " Oh, my God." "You're such a bitch." "PATRICK:" "No, he's a very sweet guy." "He's just slightly round." "They've been posting pictures of themselves on Facebook to show how proud they are that they're getting engaged." "And it makes me nauseous, but I can't stop looking." "So if I go to this party, one of you is coming with me." "Well, definitely Dom." "You know I got to work at studio tomorrow." " Okay." "Frank's gonna meet me." "Oh!" "He should be coming over tonight, I think." "You have to go with me." "Are you gonna come?" "Is it an open bar'!" "Yes, yes, it's an open bar, yes." " All right then." "Thank you." "Joint, please." "(GASPS) (LAUGHING)" "(COUGHS)" "(STIRS)" "MAN:" "Yeah, baby, okay." "Good boy-- Ooh, yeah." "Ooh." "Oh, fuck!" "Oh, my God." " Are you close?" "Hold on." "Oh, I'm totally late." "Well, let me-- Let me finish you off quick." "I can do that thing with your balls." "Stop it, stop it, stop, stop." "I really gotta go." "I mean, this guy might take the room..." "That cute, vegan teacher friend of Tara's." "Shut up, man." "He's not that cute." "Ah." "Well, he's not as cute as you, my little Cubano sandwich." "(CHUCKLES BASHFULLY)" "So you finally stop asking me, huh?" "I only asked you twice." "What if I did move in'!" "For real?" "Yeah, for real." " For real for real?" "Yeah, yeah, I'm being serious." "Deadly serious." "But why now?" "Why?" "I don't know." "It's just..." "I really can't afford the city anymore." "Oh!" "You're so romantic." " Oakland is cheaper?" "Well, it's true." "Find something better by tonight or you're doing the laundry for the rest of the month." "I'm not doing your laundry." "Ever." " Good morning." "Morning." "I could hear you and Frank through the wall this morning." "Listen, do you think you can help me with this?" "What?" "Instagram filters have ruined everything and I can't tell if this guy is hot or not." "What do you think?" "Ooh!" "Paddy, that is a lazy eye." " No, it's not." "The right one." "Oh, my God, it is." " How did you see that?" "You're such a sweet boy." "Wow." "I don't know." "Maybe" " I don't know, a lazy eye could be kinda hot." "I could be into that." "What?" "I told Frank I'm gonna move in with him." " Are you serious?" "Dead serious." " Oh, my God, this is huge." "Yeah, I know." "Congratulations." "Thank you." "FRANK:" "Babe, can you grab me a towel?" "It's underneath the sink." "(MIMICKING FRANK) "Babe, I need a towel."" "Are you ready for that?" " Oh, my God." "It's gonna be a lot of that." " It's gonna be all" "You know what?" "I'm not gonna go there." "It's gonna be fun." " It's gonna be great, -and I'm really happy for you." " This is good." "Thank you." " Cheers?" "Cheers." "(INHALES)" "MAN (ON TV):" "And the next story that we were talking about has a lot of people" "Hey, so what would you say if I told you that I decided to call up Ethan?" "Uh, I would say that he tried to kill you." "Do you remember that?" "He did not actually do anything." "He just threatened to." " Oh, my God." "Anyway, when we were together, you threatened to kill me a ton of times." "That is true, but I was only joking." "Well, anyway, he's-- He's changed." "He's making a fortune selling expensive condos in LA." "How do you know that?" " I read it." "You read it?" "Was that just in the newspaper?" "Did I miss it?" "I read it on his Facebook page." " But, in my own defense..." "Oh, God!" " No, you're gross." "I was just looking." "That's gross." "Are you crazy?" " No." "You're crazy." "You Facebook-friended him?" " No!" "I didn't friend him." "Did you really?" "I just was looking." "I have two words for you:" "Bumpy Tongue." "All right?" "I get a request from him every single day." "If you give them a little inch, they take a mile and then they'll kill you then they'll rob you once you're dead." "Okay, calm down." "I was just" " I was just thinking..." "That is not a good idea." "Of maybe getting into real estate." " What?" "That's funny?" "Oh, you were?" " Is that your new passion?" "Why is that funny?" " I didn't know that." "Maybe it is." "You..." " You know what?" "What?" "Nothing." "I just-- We have come a very long way for a couple of Modesto rednecks, all right?" "You don't need to be taking career advice" "from a psychotic narcissist." "Okay, okay, you're right." "Fuck it." "Who wants to sell condos anyway?" " You don't wanna do that." "Can we just" " Can we just stay in and watch The View?" "Oh, my God, I would so love to do that." "Do you think my six-month-old patient that has the heart defect-- Do you think she would mind?" "Whatever." "She's just doing it for attention." " Oh, my God." "Right?" "She's so manipulative." "She's always like," ""Ow, my heart Pay attention to me!" "Over here." "I'm a baby."" "(CHUCKLING)" "Oh..." "God." "Are you really okay?" "Yeah, I just need to get laid." "Don't friend him." "I mean it." "Don't do it." "I got chills, even, when I thought of that." "Don't." "I know what you're doing." "What?" "I'm alone now and I need to find a roommate." "Oh really?" "Yes." "On OkCupid, huh?" "I thought I'd kill two birds with one stone, you know, get a boyfriend and a roommate." "What do you think about this guy?" "He's a doctor." "He's smart, and he wants to date you?" "Yeah, and we're an 82 percent match." "Okay, that's a bullshit algorithm, all right?" "If Bethany and I took this test, we'd be like 93 percent enemy." "Okay, but we both swim." "Oh." "How often do you actually swim?" "I can swim." "And he's got a line from Frank O'Hara on his profile." " Like you even know who that is." "He's a poet." " Is he?" "I looked it up." "Oh." "He just messaged me." "Oh, my God." "It looks like I have a date tonight at the Press Club." " That place?" "Yeah." "That is a very heterosexual choice, my friend." "I don't mind." "Really?" "Like a winking smiley face?" "What's wrong with that?" "What are you, a Japanese teenager?" "I" " What?" "Look, I was a Japanese teenager," "I didn't even use a winking smiley face." "Okay, you know what?" "Thank you for your help." "Why don't you roll back over to your desk?" "If you want, I have some Pokémon cards I can sell you." "I can't with you right now." "(DRILL WHIRRING) (CLATTERING)" "So this is Scotty." "He's gonna help you today." "SCOTTY:" "Hello." "Why don't you bring him up to speed so you guys won't have to stay all night?" "Well, I can't stay all night." "Frank's coming to pick me up." "Yeah." "No, I need you to finish this." "I've got people coming." "Why don't you get Frank to help?" "(DRILL WHIRS)" "So...hi." "It's Scotty, right?" "Yeah." "Um..." "Where do you want me?" "Why don't you grab that chair?" "Right up there, yeah." "What is this thing?" "It's a piece of shit is what it is." " Let me get right here." "Yeah." "Okay." "You're so tall." "Where were y" "Where were you two weeks ago when I was putting that shit up?" " Okay." "Sorry about your plans." "It's fine." "(DRILL WHIRS)" "But we had it here last time." "No, we've never had that, sir." "But we do have a great California Grenache blend." "It's a nice full-bodied red, spicy but easy on the palate." "It strikes a lot of the same notes of fruit and cocoa." "No, thanks." "Kill me now." "Tech assholes." "It's like 1999 again, and I hated them the first time around." "I hear you." "They spend all their fucking money at Neiman fucking Marcus and they still look like a bunch of dog fuckers." "Hey, don't worry about it, all right?" "You'll be fine." "Just keep on putting that good energy out in the universe and everything'll work out." "Okay." "Well, you haven't tried good energy yet." "That sounds nice." " What's his name again?" "No." " "No"?" " His name's No." " It gets weird, they quit" " Can I have a bottle of Château-Grillet for table seven, please?" "Okay." "(sighs)" "(HONKING)" " Hi." "Benjamin, yeah." "Patrick." "I'm sorry I'm late." "That's okay." "It's only like ten minutes." "Yeah." "Oh, very nice." "It's embossed, which is very fancy." "And oncology..." "That must be real interesting." "Oh, yeah, it's great." "There's so many different kinds of cancer." "Right." "This is mine..." "Card." " Oh, video games." "Yes." "Isn't that just a bunch of kids playing air hockey and going down slides?" "Yeah, yeah, it's a fun atmosphere." "I mean, it's not really like that." "What does a--a level designer do?" "Do you play games?" " Nope." "Never." "Not at all?" "Oh, is carpal tunnel an issue?" "(CHUCKLES)" " No." "No." " No, it hasn't been." "How old are you?" "I forget what it said in your profile." "Um..." "I didn't know these had pits." "Twenty-nine." "And are you drug and disease-free?" "God." "I feel like I'm having a physical." " Sorry." "lt's okay." "Sorry." "I'm just coming off a 16-hour shift, so my brain is a little fried." "No, no, that's okay." "Listen, I work long hours too." "I mean, I'm in video games and you're in cancer, so it's a different thing." " But I understand the long days." "Yeah, well." "Yeah, you know what they say, "Work is love manifest."" "I think, actually, the quote is," ""Work is love made visible." Right?" "Get out." "You did not just correct my pretentious Gibran misquotation." "I think I did." "I downed that." "You want another one?" " Are you gonna have another one?" "No." " No." "Actually, I'll have one, yes." "SCOTTY:" "I was though, when I was helping you bring that" " Dude." "You remember that, dude?" "FRANK: (LAUGHING) Yeah." " I'm not crazy because he was there." "Stop it." "I've tried to tell friends about this." "Hey." "Hey, we just figured out we met at, um..." "The Cinco de Mayo" "Darren and Anthony's Cinco de Mayo party." "Oh, really?" "I was dressed as a slutty jalapeño that night, so you might not recognize me." "But that was me." " Okay." "It was him." "Oh!" "I mean, it's San Francisco, right?" "It shouldn't be so hard to meet cool people in this town." " Yeah, I know." "I was" "I was so desperate yesterday that I went cruising in the park." " Cruising?" "Yeah, well, it was kind of a joke." "I was with my friends and we were in the park, and we were like," ""Do people still really do this?" And it turns out they do." "So you're looking just to hook up?" "Well..." " No, no." "No?" "No, no, not really." "No, I-- I'm-- no, I" "I didn't mean to put-- (STAMMERING) No, I'm more of a" "Like a relationship person, always, usually at least." "But no, that was just a joke in the park." "So what was your longest relationship?" "Uh..." "Like six months, I think." " Yeah." "What about you?" "About five years." "Five years is a good chunk of time." " Yeah." "Look, I think I'm not making the best impression." "I think we should back it up a little bit." "I'm gonna stop you." "I'm sorry." "You seem like a really nice guy..." " Thank you." "But when it's working you shouldn't have to try so hard." "And this just obviously isn't working." "You know?" "Thank you." "Are you serious?" "It looks like-- So, you ordered two glasses and I ordered one, so how about you do 25 and I do 15?" " Does that sound fair?" "Yeah." "He was inspired by this book, Artistry of the Mentally Ill, and he started collecting all this art that was made away" "from corrupting" "Ignore him." "He's trying to impress you." " Okay." "Thank you." "Well, I-- no, no, I am impressed." "I didn't know about Jean..." " Du buffet?" "Yeah." ""Debuffit"?" "Well, while we're on the subject of fine art, do you guys wanna see my new tattoo?" " Yes." "Yes, yes." "My first vote is yes." "I haven't shown it to anyone, but I designed it myself." "Okay." "And it's Dolly Parton's signature." "(GIGGLES)" " Can I...?" "Yeah." "Knock yourself out." "Whoa." "(TRAIN BEEPS)" " No, that's cool." " Thanks." "You lost?" "No, I'm just checking something." "Looking at the map makes you look lost." "Yeah, I guess it does." "Where are you going?" "To a party." "What about you?" " Couldn't hear you." "I just said" "Working the door at my friend's place." "Oh, okay." "Esta Noche, 16th and Mission." "You wanna come?" "We got a special tonight:" "pretty blue eyes drink two for one." "WOMAN (OVER PA):" "This train will not stop at Powell Station." "That sounds fun, but..." "I'm already late to my thing." ""Benjamin Kazan." "Resident in oncogy."" "Oncology." "You a doctor?" "Yeah..." "I'm still a resident, but... yeah." "That's good, 'cause..." "I need some taking care of." "Oh, hey, Liam." "Oh, hey, Dom." "What are you eating there?" "It's lamb with merguez." "Pretty good." "It's a little salty tonight." " Yeah?" "You want a bite?" "Sure." "Hey." "Oh, okay, yeah." "Mmm." "Good, huh?" "So what are you doing later?" "Do you wanna grab a drink?" "Or we could just go back to your place." "I'll put my positive energy into your universe." "You're a funny one, dude." "Richie Donaldo Ventura, resident in cosmetology." "Oh, you're still training." "I was cutting all my friends' hair, so I figured I should start charging for it." "Yeah, you gotta watch out, because people take advantage of you." "You've been hanging around with the wrong people tonight, sweetie." "You have no idea." "This is me." "Hey, Doctor?" "If I call you, will you hang around with me?" "I'm serious." "(FUNK MUSIC PLAYS) You gave him the wrong card?" "I didn't actually give it to him." "He kinda just took it from me, from my pocket." "That's even worse, Paddy." "I was just so upset about the doctor." "I don't know why I agreed" "to split the check." "Oh, God." "I should not have mentioned the six-month thing or the fact that" " I went cruising in the woods." "Wait, wait." "When were you in a relationship for six months?" " Jason." "Jason?" "Yes, Jason." "No, that was like five at most." "Whatever." "Listen, fuck that asshole doctor." "Tell me more about the guy on Muni." "Oh, he's a doorman, an aspiring barber." "Free haircuts?" "Ain't mad at that." "Yeah well, he came on kinda strong, and he's not really my type." "Because he's not some fuckhead with a Stanford degree?" "You still got time to take him shopping before your sister's wedding, if that's what you're worried about." "Fuck you." "I gotta pee." " Where's the bathroom?" "lt's out in back." "Hello." " Hi." "ls this awkward?" " A little." "Yeah." "(CLEARS THROAT, HALF LAUGHING)" " Thank you for coming." "(CHUCKLES)" "Oh, you're so welcome." "So how's it going?" "Oh, it's going okay." "I had a really, really, really bad date tonight." "Well, if things go as planned," "I will never ever, ever go on another date...again." "That sounds great." "(RINSES URINAL)" " Ever." "You could always cheat." "That was a joke." "No, seriously, I am very happy for you." "I'm sorry that I haven't officially said congratulations to you yet." "I've been meaning to, so congratulations." "Thank you." "I am sorry you had a bad date." "That's all right." "They won't all be bad." "They're waiting for me." "All right, have fun." "How old do you think I look?" " In daylight or candlelight?" "Fuck off." "Daylight." " Relax." "You look good for your age." "Something awful happened" "to me at work today." "What?" "I didn't get to fuck someone I wanted to fuck." "So?" "So it's the first time it's ever happened to me." " Oh, you're lying." "l'm so sick of all these annoying, overachieving 20-something cunts." " I could've easily said no to you." "But you didn't." "(CROWD CHEERING)" "(POP MUSIC PLAYS LOUDLY)" "Shake it, babe!" "This is so wrong." "I don't know." "Maybe they really love each other." "The Lord tells us that a bachelor party is between one man and one stripper." "What do you care?" "You're an atheist." "I'm agnostic." "All right, Paddy." "No, no, no, no, no, you can't leave." "Where are you going?" "I gotta go find some blond slut to help me regain my self-respect." "Dom, why do you think I go on so many bad dates?" "I don't know, Paddy." "Maybe you should stop giving a shit what your mom thinks." "Actually, stop giving a shit what anyone thinks." "So, are we one of those couples now?" "One of those couples?" "We can be whatever we wanna be." "Yeah, but what if we don't agree on what we wanna be?" "We'll figure it out." "I'm not worried." " All right." "It was exciting, you know." "Yeah, of course it was." "(LINE RINGING)" "VOICEMAIL:" "You have reached Ethan Roberts Real Estate." "I can't take your call right now." "Please leave a message, and I will return your call promptly." "Have a nice day." "(VOICEMAIL BEEPS)" "Hey." "It's Dom." "Gimme a call." "Ripped By mstoll Happy New Year 2015" " New Year, New Color ;-)"