"andy:" "it is here where our story begins." "a magical land that knew peace for many, many years." "the sport of larping, also known as live action role playing, was enjoyed across the countryside by all who played." "but a shadow soon fell over the land." "the dark one, derek, began his study of the larp, twisting its rules to ensure victory." "his success attracted many admirers, who easily became acolytes in what was known as the black crusade." "and the spirit of the game was lost with their coming." "fear replaced fun." "and treachery replaced teamwork." "holy shit." "derek's grip grew stronger each year, until none questioned his might." "and yet, whispers of change are heard in the wind." "can it be that a champion will stand against the dark one?" "and if so, is there any chance of victory?" "kicking, kicking." "kicking." "yes. good job." "good job." "ha, ha, ha." "ha, ha, ha." "ha, ha, ha." " ha!" " oh!" "stop it, patrick, you're making me lose." "don't blame me for your suckitude." "oh sweet, i have a gun in each hand." "hammer brothers." "you made me die." "i'm just trying to help you, oswald, it's called negative reinforcement." "look, if you're not gonna respect me, at least have some respect for the game." "so check this out, on my way home, i happened to pass where that hot chick teaches kung fu or whatever." "you just happen to pass by that place every night, you creepy bastard." "yeah, but this time i happened to glance in the window, and me and her made eye contact." "i'm 90% sure she smiled." "like a rye, half smile." "wow, that's like a fairy tale." "you guys wouldn't understand." "anyway, let's get started on this presentation." "what presentation?" "the beowulf project for lit class." "i thought that wasn't due till next week." "it is due in twelve and a half hours, and we've completed approximately zero percent, so that's literally putting it off till the last minute." "i'm pretty sure that you and oswald said that you two would write it, and then i would present it in front of the class." "we did not." "i distinctly remember you saying i didn't have to write anything." "i did not." "we're all gonna work on it." "we have to present a concise analysis of an ancient text, to the harshest grader at the school and you guys are completely- what is this oswald?" "agent danger iii, die dangerously, the video game." "i have been waiting forever to play this game." "it's got multi-player." "how about this, we play one round, just to cleanse our palates, then we start working on the project?" "no, no way." "are you shooting with a gun in each hand?" "yeah." "check this out, i'm gonna shoot this guy in the junk." "video game:" "nut shot." "sweet." "ok, one round, then that's it, i'm serious." "quit looking at my screen." "i'm not." "how are you finding me every round and killing me?" "that's like asking a bumble bee how it buzzes." "got ya, got ya, got ya." "i'm not playing with a screen looker." "you're a screen looker, dill hole." "it's 4:00 a.m." "better hit the sack." "me too." "what about the project?" "we need a ten minute report on beowulf." "beowulf?" "more like gay-o-wolf." "oh good, now we have an opening." "hey, don't stress about it, lloyd." "we'll throw something together in the morning, and i'll draw a picture for visual aid." "yeah, no sweat." "have you guys even read it?" "patrick has my copy." "it was a little dry for my taste." "we are so screwed." "enter." "dark mage derek, sovereign of gremloire, chieftain of the orc hordes, i humbly beseech your audience." "granted..." "i suppose." "did you have something to say, or are we just enjoying each other's company?" "it's the grand larping council." "look, if i'm to have time to fail all these quizzes before lunch, i need you to get to the point." "the grand council has decreed there will be no final battle at the end of this year's season." "what?" "they said there's not enough teams registered." "they said you're scaring everyone off." "oliver, can you explain to me how i will be declared champion if there is no tournament?" "well you won't, there will be no champions declared, as there is no final battle." "well that is the silliest thing i've ever heard." "am i to be punished for excelling in the deadly art of battle?" "yeah." "the grand council doesn't want to see me win again." "they want to stop me before i break the record of the white wizard." "it's all gnome politics." "shut up, stop your groveling." "well played grand council, well played." "but you'll find it takes more than politicking to defeat the lord dark mage." "what we must do is recruit a few fools to register under the forces of light." "but where does one find such dimwits?" "i told you i had it covered buddy, just five minutes." "derek:" "whenever you're ready, ladies." "yes. oh jesus." "um, as you can see, here's beowulf, and he was... well he was the greatest warrior in the land." "and uh, he was six foot nine, and had long- short black hair." "it's not to scale, but he's- lloyd:" "he swam half the time, and also carried a weapon." "the shield fell off." "and uh..." "oh, and he killed grendel." "we will now take questions." "is this a joke?" "this is it, we goofed around too long, and now we gotta pay the price." "your negative attitude is really bringing me down right now, lloyd." "lloyd, all we have to do is just take the class next semester." "next semester?" "you guys realize we lose our financial aid if our grades drop below a 'c' average." "so?" "i have a 'c' in all my other classes." "yeah, we're not idiots." "oh no?" "no. not idiots, are you sure?" "if you take the 'c' from your other classes, and you add the 'f' from this class, that brings you to a 'd' average." "uh oh." "i can't help but feel partially responsible for this situation." "you guys always do this." "you have one simple task you have to accomplish, and you get distracted by some dumb" "oh man." "hey, fuck you and the horse you rode in on!" "i know you don't mean that." "i'm so sorry if i inconvenienced your precious day." "i'm- i'm sorry, maybe you have me confused with somebody else." "i saw the ambulance, and just wanted to see if everyone was ok." "oh, uh, sorry about that." "the neighbors always complain when the ambulance comes." "i just thought you were one of them." "no, i'm not." "lloyd." "cassandra." "anyways, i better." "hey, do you get a lot of ambulance visits, or?" "well, our training targets keep getting injured." "i teach a woman's self defense class, sometimes they get a little enthusiastic." "so do you need to know karate for that, or?" "not really, he's mostly just there for me to demonstrate different grappling moves on." "so what, he just puts on pads and you wrestle for an hour?" "nothing too glamorous." "i was just showing the girls how to choke out a guy using only your inner thighs." "um, it's a really weird coincidence really because i've been wanting to get into women's self defense for like, as long as i can remember, and now, you have an opening." "there's no pay, it's strictly volunteer." "it's not about the money." "oh, that's an attractive quality." "identify a problem, move in with a solution." "well, you know me." "well, you don't like know me, but." "ok lloyd, i'll see you thursday at 8:00." "ok, hey, thanks, see you on thursday." "i move in with a problem, no, i- i move in with a solution, i move in with a solution." "guys we have a problem, if we don't bring our grades up, we will lose our financial aid." "the solution is that we go in there and ask very politely for a redo." "wow. i really like how you just took charge, and clearly stated what you wanted to do." "so we go in there and be very polite, and ask nicely for a redo." "if he wants to shave a monkey and roll it in pine nuts first, then we do it. ok?" "alright." "oswald here can give him a hand job, to sweeten the deal." " no, i will not." " you damn well better." "if it comes to it, we will all give derek a hand job." "fine." "are you all three shaft men, or will one of you be working the balls?" "just so we're clear, gentlemen, the only reason i'm seeing you is because student bylaws demand i must provide all of my students with a minimum of five minutes of outside class time." "sir, we were hoping to talk to you regarding yesterday's presentation." "these bylaws, however, state nothing about actually having to listen." "you now have four point five minutes." "what is all this stuff?" "pussy repellant." "we need to know if we can have a redo on the assignment." "we really need to pass this class sir." "a redo?" "that would only be fair." "really?" "well yes, you had two weeks to do an assignment, and you did no work." "aw, come on dude, it's community college!" "what do you mean by that?" "it means that you're-- i think what patrick is trying to say is that we know we made a huge mistake, but we are very sorry." "i don't think that's what he meant lloyd," " i think it's-- - it's not." "there must be some way." "i think there might be two ways actually, slim and none." "we will literally do whatever it takes." "not whatever it takes, i mean, there's a few things we're probably not gonna... oswald." "whatever it takes." "there might be one way." "name it." "the infernal accord." "derek:" "no one?" "a literary device, also known as making a deal with the devil." "a party makes a deal with satan, knowing the odds are stacked against him, but his desire is so great, he's willing to risk his immortal soul." "and then he wins against all odds?" "no, in post-victorian gothic literature, the protagonist always fails, and is thus damned to the eternal fires of hell." "you want us to sell our souls to the devil?" "i want you to register in my larping league under the forces of light." "do this, i will supply you dick weeds with enough extra credit to maintain a passing grade." "and if we win the whole thing, do we get like an extra, extra credit?" "you would have to defeat me to win." "yeah, so what do we get when we win?" "if you manage, by some magic feat, to win, i'll give you an 'a+'." "that grade, in my class, gentlemen, is as elusive as the mythical one thousand sided die." " we accept." " what?" "!" "lloyd, what are you doing?" "where do we sign up?" "the den of he, formerly known as the white wizard." "and is that a real place?" "the sentry box, in kensington, by the discount carpet store." "the entry fee is $50." "time's up gentlemen." "now leave me to my dark studies, before i change my mind." "so does this mean that we still have to come to class?" "alright, ok." "patrick:" "i hope this isn't what we're expected to wear." "it's just a painting for the wall." "it looks comfortable." " would you do that orc?" " yes." "with a condom." "i'm sorry sir, that's not something that we usually keep in stock, but uh, i can certainly special order a loin cloth for you." "yeah, oh, i definitely recommend athletic support." "or you could just tape it to your leg." "yeah, oh yeah." "good day sir." "we are well met, young one." "how may i be of service to you?" "the larping tournament thing, can we sign up for that here?" "oh, you wish to brave the ancient lands, beyond the galepass shores, where tribes of krakentroll slaughter unwary pilgrims such as yourselves." "if that's where the tournament is at, then i guess so." "actually it's usually out at the park behind the old elementary school, but uh... dagmar:" "foulest treachery!" "yes, no, the book of rules states that such a maneuver is allowed." "you- you side with jorgen just to gain flavour." "sorry about that." "tempers can get quite hot around here." "yeah, well actually we're not too familiar with the sport of larping." "ok, i've seen some pretty scary stuff in here, but will someone please give me a little clarification in what we're getting ourselves into." "live action role playing, or larping, is not easily summarized, it is many things to many people." "don't you guys just bang each other with fake swords?" "i saw an internet video where a guy with a wizard's hat threw tin foil balls at his cat." "it's not just about sword play, or mysteries of the arcane and incantations." "larping is more pure, it's about casting aside the shackles of the mundane, throwing yourself in harm's way, for the sake of something more noble." "yeah, so like capture the flag, except with fake swords." "and you could say that sex is wrestling without clothes on." "dude, have you even had sex?" "trust me, i've wrestled without clothes on." "my romantic life is not the topic of discussion here." "he didn't mean any harm." "i am not naïve as to the way that larping is perceived by the outside world." "and i will not allow you to joke about something that we hold so dearly." "please leave." "no, no, you have to let us sign up." "i am a level 80 wizard!" "i don't have to do anything!" "go." "you too moor, go." "thanks a lot man." "you always do this, why do you always douche out like this?" "ok, you know what, look, just chill, i'm gonna sort it, alright?" "hey, i'm sorry, i didn't get your name." "i didn't say it." "but i am andy, son of chester, keeper of this humble house of games." "it was once known as the white wizard, but uh, that was a long time ago." "uh, so are you a good wizard, or a bad wizard?" "i serve the king, and protect those that cannot protect themselves." "oh good, because me and my friends signed an infernal accord with an evil warlord, who has beseeched incredible injustice upon us." "injustice?" "yeah, horrible." "and the only way is for us to enter this tournament." "may i ask the identity of this dark warlord?" "his name's is derek." "derek?" "he teaches one of our classes." "i am aware of derek the unholy, servant of the gremloire." "really, you know him?" "yes, and i can't sign you up." "why not?" "for your own safety." "but we want to join." "trust me, you'll thank me later." "wait, this is like a public thing, right?" "i suppose, if you want to lean on a technicality." "get the forms, we're not joking around here." "are you sure i can't talk you out of this?" "no." "i must warn you, your entrance fee is non-refundable." "well?" "oh, you mean now?" "yeah, now would be fine." "oh, sign this, i'll be right back." "can you believe this guy?" "yeah, i can." "never mind, oswald." "you will need these, inside is all the information you will need to lead yourselves to victory, or not." "great, thank you." "your first match is saturday, your opponents are the danes." "what?" "!" "prepare the camera, i would like a photo of my extreme victory for our blog." "they are mighty warriors, and you must be prepared if you plan to defeat them." "awesome." "good luck, young warriors, you will need it." "how much for this?" "i'm a man of peace." "come in." "lloyd:" "open the door!" "i said come in!" "my hands are full, open the door!" "what did he say?" "i don't know, something dumb." "hey... buddy." "we couldn't hear you over the television!" "what's all that junk?" "stuff for our weapons and armor." "we have to make our own?" "this is already annoying me." "why do we need armor?" "come here, i'll show you." "ow!" "that was really unnecessary." "was it?" "what were those warriors that just fought naked, i'll just be one of those." "i think you have larping confused with the dream you had last night." "oh ho ho." "touchÉ." "been reading these books, and it says the first thing we need to do is to come up with our characters." "oh, i'll be agent danger, that way i get to carry a gun in each hand." "we're gonna be fighting orcs and krakentrolls, not ninja terrorists." "what the hell is a krakentroll anyways?" "i don't know, it's like a monster or something, i don't know." "no, no, according to this book, it says it's a twisted spawn of an unholy union between troll and demon." "this just keeps getting lamer." "i was gonna tell you guys, i found out that orcs typically eat their enemies after they defeat them in battle." "so?" "that's some twisted shit, man!" "they eat people, lloyd!" "shhh." "dude, we're not gonna be fighting real orcs, just virgins painted green." "you know if we sit around making clever jokes all night, those virgins are gonna kick our butts, because we won't be prepared." "whatever, i'll just do mine in the morning." "yeah, me too, i wanna finish this chapter." "but we agreed we'd do this tonight." "you're the one who wants us to win so bad, so it only seems fair that you make all our armor, and all our weapons." "ok, 'a', that's stupid, 'b', what about your characters?" "just pick something." "we don't care." "you know what, fine." "i wouldn't want either of you to put any effort into anything ever!" "oh, hey lloyd, can you make my armor like extra thick?" "ugh." "thanks." "what am i supposed to be?" "you're a fairy wizard, you cast spells with your wand." "why do i have to be the fairy?" "i thought you didn't care what your costume was." "so disappointed in you right now." "you are a warrior." "i wanted to be a hobbit." "be a hobbit warrior." "i can't even see out of this thing." "not my problem." "good morning, my young warriors, and fairy." "hey andy, we haven't spotted the danes yet." "really, they're usually very punctual." "orcs have landed." "come on, let's get them." "prepare for the horde." "what is the meaning of this?" "we have come to make battle with the sub creatures, to teach them the futility of their quest, and give them a taste of the future, without having to build a time machine." "the danes were scheduled for this match, not your foul horde." "yes, it was the strangest thing, i gave them exact directions, but they called an hour ago, saying that they were completely lost, and going to be late." "control, we got a potential situation here." "we are going to commandeer this steel chariot to take us to the land beyond the galepass shores." "we have agreed to stand in for them, so they will not be disqualified." "wait, we have to fight him already?" "i'm afraid so, it is within the rules." "take your positions." "on this spot, over 3,000 man years ago, two armies collided in battle." "really, right here?" "the orc raiders, led by the dark mage, derek of gremloire, attacked the outer settlements of the human's empire, a trail of bloody corpses marked their path." "the emperor foresaw the green skin incursion, and dispatched." "who's your leader?" "fairy baron patrick von hugen balls, slayer of orc scum." "that's really not necessary." "the emperor's edict was simple, protect the settlement from the foul stench of the orcish horde." "humans, to win, you must prevent the orcs from reaching the settlement, and pillaging their women." "or slay them all." "prepare yourselves." "hark, the drums of war beat loudly." "let the larp begin." "the baron throws caution to the wind, and charges the orc line." "ow, it hit me in the eye." "the hobbit warrior has been slain by the cruel orcish arrow." "i'll avenge you oswald!" "i will use your scalp to make booties for my brood." "you won't." "ow, ow, ow." "patrick:" "orc scum." "get away from me you" "AAAAh!" "i will cast resurrection so oswald may live again." " thank you lloyd." " you got it." "erectus obsecuis labitra, pro homo." "a success." "rise young oswald." "is my still supposed to hurt, because it does, a lot." "derek:" "i will counter that spell, nexium, orcana, zethromat, formatta." "and the spell has been countered." "what?" "now please be seated." "ha. give up." "i shall cast teleportation on myself." "my destination is the park bench." "lourdes, bombalus, scenip, valtraxium." "and the spell is a success, unless- quick, lloyd, counter it, otherwise they'll win." "i- shit, i- i can't find it." "and you never will, with the basic spell book." "teleportation is only in the limited edition twelfth anniversary of the advanced spell book." "that's the lamest thing i've ever heard." "you are calling me lame?" "!" "look at me!" "feast your eyes on me, drink it in, look at my cool helmet!" "victory to the orcs." "oswald:" "no!" "why?" "!" "well fellas, what did you think?" "you were right, we should have listened to you when you were trying to convince us not to join." "yeah, we suck." "and my eye still hurts." "i want my $50 back." "your $50?" "no, no, i want my $50 back." "no, no, no, $50 is my standard fee for wearing a fairy outfit!" "hold on a second." "you know, the elven kingdom of gorg was not built in a day." "your instincts were impeccable." "i have not seen newcomers with so much potential since before the black crusades." "yeah, i think we're just gonna call it quits." "well, remember, the entrance fee is still non-refundable." "i tried to warn all of you." "whatever." "we'll figure something else out." "there has to be another way." "you know, i think you're gonna have to give derek that hand job." "shut up." "you shouldn't limit yourselves to the physical realm." "look inside, perchance a heart job is the solution." "gross." "do you gentlemen know the story of the two foot mage?" "no." "ha ha, it's a marvelous story." "anyway, the two foot mage was missing two things." "listen, i don't care." "you know the details of the story aren't important, the moral is about having fun, which has been a rare commodity since derek and his black crusades." "lloyd:" "listen, maybe it was kind of fun, but if we win we get an 'a' in derek's class." "well, i could come out of retirement one last time, and train you." "why are you retired?" "it's a long story, i swore i'd never take on another student." "yeah, but you're like a level 80 wizard, i mean, that's pretty good, right?" "i can melt faces with the flick of a finger, and the role of an eight sided die, so yeah, yeah pretty good." "wow." "do you really think you can help us win this thing?" "well, it won't be easy." "but by krom, we'll give it our best." "i demand a cooler costume!" "that can be done." "and it wouldn't be a terrible idea to think about maybe adding another team member." "maybe somebody more uh, warriorly." "i know just the bad ass." "alright, throw it like you mean it, rosie." "hiya." "ok, ok, um, ok." "just imagine some dirty pervert is about to soil your flower, ok, he's got his filthy hands all over you, and the only way you can stop him is to crush his windpipe!" "yah." "don't worry, i'm sure when it happens, you will have the eye of the tiger." "alright, girls, let's partner up and practice what we've learned." "you have a real gift." "oh, for teaching, yeah i don't know, i just do it to pass the time and stay in shape, i guess." "really?" "you're such a natural." "my real passion is competitive cage fighting, but i'm banned from all the circuits due to unnecessary cruelty." "what if i told you i had a competitive fighting opportunity for you?" "fuck you man, no, i don't do that russian bullshit, ok, it's not sanctioned, you guys have fucking ripped me off way too many times." "ok, no, whatever that is, this is not that, this is different." "it may sound weird, but i actually need some help fighting some wizards and elves." "oh, look, hey man, in another time i used to hang out in little tokyo, walking the street, looking for every chance i could to bite the head off the golden monkey." "i would have done anything for just another toke, i would have sold my own cousin." "i was sleeping on the streets, using my own shoes as a pillow, but i kicked it." "yeah." "i fucking kicked it, and i found this, and you can too." "you can, ok, but i run a drug free dojo, so get the fuck out of here until you get your shit clean." "no, no, i'm not smoking the smack." "i'm actually talking about a sporting type thing my friends and i got involved in called larping, and it's where you dress up and pretend to be wizards and hit each other with foam swords, and it's kind of fun, kind of." "and i need it to maintain my financial aid at school." "hmm. i guess my mother was right when she said i'd regret not going to college." "good one." "but i really could use your help, volunteering, in much the same way that i selflessly volunteered to help you, here at the dojo." "ok, i need to practice on someone." "will it help you say yes?" "practicing helps me think." "ok." "what do i do?" "punch me." "ha ha, i'm all into equal rights and everything, but remember i'm a man, and therefore" "20 times biologically stronger than any woman." "just do it." "ok, but only because you're a professional." "here it comes." "ow, that was totally awesome." "do you have to wear costumes?" "yeah, i can help you make one if you want." "ya!" "i'll pick my own costume." "ok, yeah, cool." "lloyd:" "and then, she threw me to the ground with some crazy ninja move." "it was so cool." "you realize you are bragging you got beat up by a girl?" "yeah, but her boob brushed against me while i was pinned." " really?" " yes." "well, it might have been her knee, but i don't think so." "so hold on, you're saying that if this girl joins our team, that we all get the same treatment?" "no, but our team is gonna be so bad ass." "wait a minute, i'm onto you buddy." " what?" " what?" "this whole larping thing is just one of your weird plans to get with this girl." "no, it isn't." "i read your book you magnificent bastard." "no, we're doing this to get the 'c', so we can keep our financial aid, and stay in school." "besides, the other day was kind of fun, right?" "yeah, it was ok." "ok, fine, but i want you to understand something about this cassandra chick, you say she's all into cage fighting, and seizing the day and all that." "right." "well, mentally she's a dude, so you need to stop pussyfooting around, just be direct with her." "i'm not just gonna ask her out, man, i need to lay some groundwork." "no, don't ask her out, just start talking dirty to her, see how she responds." "what?" "ok, hey look at me, say hey, cassandra, i think your honey pot needs a hot beef injection, see how she reacts to that." "my guess is positively." "wow." "that's some really good advice, how can i ever thank you?" "hey, patrick, do you think that would work with my girlfriend." "that dude off the internet doesn't count." "now that we're all here, will everyone please make a circle around me, join hands." "the bond that holds this circle together is the same bond betwixt all those who take part in the larp." "now tell me, what force quickens this band of warriors." "lloyd:" "a sort of moderate commitment?" "protein?" "lloyd, commitment, that was an answer." "and yours was also an answer, sort of." "but there is a dark side." "king weiner, aka derek." "huh, foolish yes, but not the darkest, no." "that mantle belongs to my former protÉge, so promising, so powerful." "andy?" "it's still hard for me to talk about." "what is?" "nothing, uh." "release the circle." "it's time for you to choose your characters." "can i be a robot sent back in time to battle the orcs?" "huh, it appears that my guidance is needed, young oswald." "give me a word to describe yourself." "um, deadly, but happy." "dwarves are the happiest folk i know, until roused to anger." "i'll be berserker barbarian dwarf warrior, aroo!" "excellent." "battle cry needs a little bit of work, but-- arooo." "oh no, i didn't mean now, work on it later at home." "later." "patrick, what quality guides your foot?" "my devilishly handsome face." "perhaps your wits match your looks." "doth a halfling rogue conceal himself in your heart?" "what?" "do you think maybe you could play a halfling rogue?" " think about it later." " yeah." "cassandra." "i'm fast, and i can land a punch." "yes, and if you learn to use a bow, you would be the spitting image of an elvish ranger." "cool." " lloyd." " huh, yes." "i noticed the other day that your instincts were to cast a spell to protect your friends, rather than to lash out at the enemy in anger." "yeah, i guess those paladin guys are pretty cool." "warrior priests, indeed, they're very cool." "well, you have a long road ahead of you, it has really just begun." "there is much work still to be done here." "we have a little something to assist us in our training." "oswald." "i did a little research, and i discovered that business type groups keep up their productivity, by measuring their overall efficiency, using charts and other graphs." "i call it, lloyd and oswald:" "the wall of awesome." "i helped." "lloyd:" "agent danger is at the top, and lameness increases exponentially the further down you go." "patrick:" "who's that guy at the bottom?" "that's george washington carver." "he was my idea." "isn't that the guy that invented peanut butter?" "why is the father of peanut butter the most lame?" "hey, my granddad died of a nut allergy." "patrick:" "we should put your granddad down there." "hey, my ferret was hit by one of those electric hybrid cars, so that should be on there." "i'm not saying the wall of awesome is perfect, but it's something." "this fearless tribe of warriors possesses many gifts, all of which you will call upon, while facing the dangers ahead of you." "with the creation of your characters, you've all dedicated your minds to the larp." "now it is time to dedicate your bodies, and your hearts." "as we progress, you will all feel your bodies change, your hands will move more surely, your eyes will see more clearly." "hair will grow where it never grew before." "that's actually just a nasty rumor, patrick, believe me." "shall we continue?" "there are two types of magic, the first is precast battle magic." "these are your lightning bolts, and arctic blasts." "no, what are you doing?" "those are live rounds my friend." "they are to be used in battle, against an opponent, like this." "please cover your ears." "please, for your safety." "lightning bolt." "as you can see, quite deadly." "the second type of magic is spell casting." "your comrade has been struck by a poison arrow, he will die within one round, unless he can heal himself." "poison, ok." "ok, here, general antidote spell." "by odin's beard, i banish- how am i supposed to recite the spell?" "this is your spell book." "your brain." "in hand to hand combat, your skills are astounding." "i know." "but the elves' first weapon is the bow, so please, fire away." "by odin's beard, that was close." "sorry." "try again, but this time, focus on the target, not the weapon." "i have the highest faith in you." "oh wait, hold on a second." "fire away." "you truly have a mighty warrior within your soul." "charge!" "what, are you afraid to fight me with honor?" "the arrow takes ten hit points." "how weak, i have over 30 hps." "ok." "ah, oh." "get back, back to the abyss." "no, we are from copenhagen." "what?" "yes, it was ranked the most livable city by monocle magazine." "patrick:" "AAh!" "a critical hit." "the rogue has slain his foe." " ow." " sorry." "but i have much left to do." "whoa." "jorgen:" "you fight not as men do, more as women and swedes." "guys, i need some help over here." "can't lloyd, we're larping." "wait, did you say you had a larping blog?" "yeah, we use it to record our victories and our wounds, and to show our badges of honor." "would you like the url?" "uh sure, do you have it on you?" "on me, uh?" "arctic blast, arctic blast, i arctic blasted you." "you do not care about my url." "so do you want to do a counter spell?" "magic is for the weak, i will fight with honor." "jorgen thunder thighs, you will remain frozen for the next 15 seconds." "dagmar, you should document my beating." "maybe it is you who should record my defeat." "sorry." "victory." "we won, i think we won." "you can unfreeze now." "what do you mean that they defeated the danes and the white wizard is training them?" "!" "and don't forget the girl, she looks really dangerous." "i'm not forgetting the girl, oliver." "they actually have a chance at winning, and foiling my plans of breaking the white wizard's wonderful winning record." "so what are you going to do?" "i'm going to take a play from your book, and try to pussy my way out." "ok." "and he was like, i'll sell your soul to the twisting nether." "and i was like your mom's a twisting nether." "oops." "oswald:" "i'm ok." "so you really kicked ass out there today." "yeah, well i'm glad you invited me to join your army." "you guys are kind of fun." "they're ok, but i think the enjoyment you're feeling is more lloyd centered." "maybe." "alright, i'm taking off, keep it clean gentlemen." "maybe i should walk you home." "i can take care of myself." " yeah." " see you later." "ok. see ya." "you should have told her to slob your knob." "oswald:" "why do you guys keep doing this to me?" "patrick:" "shhh." "well..." "i kind of like it." "oh, hello lloyd, how are you?" "i'm ok, just heading to class." "great, great, listen, i've been worried about you boys getting distracted from your school work." "uh, no, um, i think we're fine." "yes, but i would hate for any of this larping nonsense to interfere with your academics, it is grades first, you know." "nah, don't worry, it's actually going better than expected." "oh, fantastic." "how about this, you withdraw from the demons and dwarves league, and i will give you and your friends a 'c', no questions asked." "we can't withdraw." "i'm offering to pass you." "just say yes." "well, see there's this girl, and i think she might like me, but i kind of think we need more face time, so." "just say yes, lloyd." "i'm sorry i can't do that." "you think you're so big, don't you lloyd?" "just regular size." "with your perfect hair." "it's just hair." "do you want me to fail you?" "wait a minute, we have an infernal accord, you have to give us extra credit." "i would never consider breaking the infernal accord, but i can grade your assignments extra critically, meaning you will fail this class." "what's your problem, man?" "you wanted us to sign up, now you want us out, what?" "my problem is that you broke the spirit of the contract by seeking help from the white wizard." "drop out now, or suffer the consequences." "screw you." "we're gonna win the tournament, and get the 'a+'." "so be it." "you have fealed your own sate." "you mean, sealed your own fate?" "fuck!" "scratch your name from the dead man's scroll, command to earth your eternal soul." "ok remember attackers, you want to hurt this person." "go." "ok, class, we're gonna try something new." "i want you each to choose a character, somebody whose abilities you admire, be it physical or emotional, and i want you to channel their strength." "can i be beth, dog the bounty hunter's wife?" "if it helps." "say aloha to jesus." "ha!" "ha!" " ha!" " oh!" "excellent, excellent rosie." "now remember, to keep up the attack once he goes down, you do not want him getting back up. go." "ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!" "excellent, excellent." "alright, next." "derek:" "leopold, i have come forth to ask for your assistance." "i'd like you to join the black crusade." "we are orcs, your favored race if i remember correctly." "the only thing standing between us and victory, is andy." "the white wizard has re-emerged." "indeed." "and he has taken new students." "i've heard him boast that they will be 100 times more powerful than you ever were." "revenge will be yours if you serve me." "i bow only to the blood gods." "of course." "i just meant, surely your blood gods would not want to see the white wizard return." "if your destiny serves their will, then i am yours to command." "as long as you know who the boss is." "that has never been in question." " ah!" " oh!" "oh, ah!" "excellent power rose, i meant beth, dog the bounty hunter's wife." "go show them." "ok." "steady." "i think rosie's really improving." "i pity the pervert who tries to take her flower." "you know lloyd, i need to talk to you in the back office." "sure." "you're gonna have to help me." "thank you." "look, i just, i wanted to thank you for helping us, i know it's not easy." "no problem." "i think i found my true calling." "no, but i mean, really, i don't' want the girls to see me get all mushy, but thank you." "ok." "and i wanted to tell you something too." "and that is that i think you're a really cool girl, and i was wondering if you and i could maybe hang out sometime?" "mmmph, we hang out a lot already." " ok. ok." " ok." "wait!" "yes." "uh... just let me finish." "ok." "um, i just wanted to say that, uh... um, i want to... i um... i want to long dick your quivering sex hole!" "i am so sorry." "shut up!" "oswald, are we gonna practice today, or what?" "gimme a minute." "come on buddy, hurry up, it's not gonna make you lose any quicker." "i didn't mean to lead you on, i don't want to give you the wrong idea." "AAAAa!" "ah!" "hey, hey, hey." "oswald, oswald." "ah!" "AAAAAA!" "AAAAAA! that was intense." "was?" "we're not done yet." "yes, we are doing this next." "uh, i don't think i have the upper body strength to do that." "oh, i think with the right motivation." "AAh!" "i'll give it a shot, i mean, what's the worst that can happen?" "i told you i cannot afford that." "go ahead, won't hurt to touch it." "that's it." "perhaps we can work something out." "it's mint." "all you must do is make sure your new students fail spectacularly." "foul temptress, i refuse thee." "perhaps twenty ducats will sweeten the deal." "never." "you still don't understand what it's all about." "very well." "save your applause." "no." "the white wizard." "i believe you two know each other." "you've grown old and weak." "i draw my strength not from within, but from those who larp and are pure of heart." "if only you knew the power of the blood gods." "if you're its example, then color me unimpressed." "i defeated you, didn't i?" "low blow." "sometimes it is the lowest blow that strikes the hardest." "yeah, i don't have a comeback for that one." "but rest assured, i will do everything within my power to make sure that you are vanquished on the battlefield." "and i will be sure to taste the fresh blood of your new students." "leave them out of this, for this is between you and me." "oh?" "or is it between you and i?" "i'm warning you, they will not succumb to your dark treats." "ha." "you will protect them from the shadows, as you protected me?" "you wouldn't dare." "i would dare." "no." "yeah." "no." " yeah." " nah uh." " i'm gonna do it." " not gonna happen." "it's happening." "better not." " yeah, i am." " nah uh." "i said it, then i repeated it several time-- for the love of odin's sack, enough." "to think i almost wasted my prince finntor on a cry baby like you." "wah." "wah." "cruel destiny." "lloyd:" "andy, what's wrong, you said you had important news?" "i do." "tell me, what would you like to hear first, the good news, or the bad news?" "or the really bad news?" "the good news." "no, i think we should listen to the bad news first, then the good, then the really bad news, so we break up the bad things." "why don't we do the good last, and then we can end the meeting on an upbeat note?" "yeah, but then we run the risk of not taking the really bad news as seriously as we should." "patrick:" "why don't we just start with the really bad news?" "then we'd have the same problem oswald brought up." "ok, shut up." "it's gonna go good, bad, then really bad." "no, but lloyd-- i'm the leader, and that's my order." "fine, whatever, it's not even that big a deal." "good." "andy, please continue, good news first." "the final scores for the season are in, and lloyd and the conquerors are the highest ranked team on the side of light." "yes!" "whoo!" "so we won?" "and we get to pass derek's stupid class?" "not exactly." "as the highest ranked team in your faction, it is your duty to lead the forces of light in the final battle of the season." "say what?" "well, each year, the larping season ends with a final battle, featuring the forces of light against the hordes of chaos." "lloyd, you will be commanding those forces." "me?" "and i bet i can guess who's gonna lead the other side?" "derek." "unfortunately yes." "so that's the bad news?" "oh, young oswald, if only it were so." "no. the final battle takes place this weekend." "and cassandra will not be on your side." "crap in a hat!" "lloyd:" "we've seen derek on the field, as long as we have a good game plan, and work together, we have a chance." "yes, we have a chance, we have a chance." "andy, why don't you just come out of retirement and take my place on the team?" "if you had asked me this morning, i might have said yes." "but now i see that it's your path to follow, not mine." "does this have something to do with the really bad news?" "it does." "this afternoon, derek presented himself to me." "he offered me a mint copy of prince finntor number one." "that son of a bitch." "yes, indeed." "he offered me the book, if i would ensure your failure." "and you threw it right back in his face, right?" "never." "finntor number one is an important document that must be preserved for posterity's sake." "but you did turn him down, right?" "oh, of course." "it was then that he revealed his alliance with leopold, my former student." "my greatest student." "how did derek get one of your students to join the bad guys?" "it wasn't through derek's cunning, but more through my failure as a teacher." "when leopold first came under my tutelage, he was the most eager larper i had ever seen." "he immersed himself in the fantasy, sharpening his mind and body until he became the greatest warrior in the land." "his strength was such that even the local school children no longer harassed us when we used their playground for larping." "no one stood against him." "and i, of course, encouraged him, thinking that he would remain our champion of light, and would forever keep the forces of evil at bay." "i should have taught him temperance and patience, for his quest for power led him to embrace the blood gods of chaos." "he fell deeper and deeper, until he started to believe in his own dark fantasies." "it all ended one terrible night, when he became convinced that his family was actually a pack of gnomes trying to steal his magic armor." "after he set his sister's dog on fire, he was deposited in the local mental institution, where he has remained until derek summoned him for his dark pact." "so basically what you're saying is we have to defeat the darth vader of larping?" "i would never compare these epic events to that crude space opera." "but yeah, basically." "hmmm... that guy's certainly a virgin." "maybe there's a way we can just volunteer, you know?" "we don't have to actually larp and get killed, we can just help out." "it's fine, guys it's fine, we'll figure something out." "lloyd, as their leader, there's something i must share with you, alone." "it's been a long time, but i know it's in here somewhere." "[cupboard door creaks open] hah, there it is." "perhaps you can find a use for this." "andy, is this what i think it is?" "indeed, it is." "if i wasn't out of commission, i would take this leopold clown out in 12 seconds flat." "believe me, i wish you could too." "all you need is a good strategy, i can still help you with that." "andy thinks this guy is dangerous, i don't want to be part of somebody being hurt." "do you know what i teach the girls in my self defense class?" "predators prey on the weak." "so just use your perceived weakness to catch the assailant off guard." "and then you just remove his testicles with a shaolin tiger grip." "who knew self defense could be so hot?" "focus." "half a moon from now, the combined forces of light will stand before us." "but theirs is a hopeless cause, their mantra is honor and righteousness, but there's no honor in defeat." "and it is the victor who defines what is righteous." "every year these weaklings fall under our blade, and this year shall be no exception." "half a moon from now, what time is that exactly?" "just so i can sync my watch." "i am not required to explain what half a moon is." "if you do not know what half a moon is, you should not be here." "there are tales that we shall face the disciples of the prophet of light, the white wizard." "yes it is true, the disciples of the white wizard lead the forces of light, and if that concerns you or anyone else here, then fuck off!" "i live by the ancient krakentroll proverb:" "if your opponent brandishes a stave, then in turn you must unsheathe your claymore." "leopold, step forward." "those of you who choose to stay will stand shoulder to shoulder with none other than leopold the destroyer." "death to the white wizard!" "death to the white wizard!" "AAhh!" "then you just come around here, and boom, his balls are yours." "this could actually work." "you leave in pieces." "look at him." "i mean, what do guys like that do in their spare time?" "i mean, does he cross-stitch, work on cars, or scrapbook?" "really successful guys like that always have some sort of dark secret, like i bet you he's into some weird kind of porn or something." "puppet porn?" "yeah, he's definitely into puppet porn." "that's sick." "you guys ready for this?" "for what, mister i didn't show up last night." "to go over the battle plan." "oh, i've already got one, first we get surrounded, then leopold beats the crap out of us, then we lose the game and fail the class." "your bright outlook is very inspiring." "yeah, so is he way i banged your mom." "so since you just said you had sex with my mom, i don't feel nearly as bad about the confession i have to make." "and what's that?" "derek offered us an easy out, and i told him to go screw himself." "what's he talking about patrick?" "he said if we dropped out of the demons and dwarves larp, he'd go ahead and give us a 'c'." "and you refused?" "yeah, i did." "mm-hmm." "and if we don't win and get the 'a+', we fail." "what the f, lloyd?" "!" "why would you do that?" "!" "because i wanted to show him, and all the other dereks of the world that we're not just gonna roll over and take it." "we will stand, and we will conquer." "no, no, no, wait a second, this has something to do with cassandra." "no." "patrick:" "you're right, oswald." "he puts our grades on the line, just so he can bang cassandra, then he finally bangs her and he breaks her leg, now she can't even help us get an 'a'." "it's ok, because cassandra and i came up with a really great battle plan." "yeah, does your plan include this?" "since class has been disrupted due to my injury, i've scheduled a very special training session for this weekend, it will give you a chance to really utilize the skills you've learned in class." "male in class:" "this isn't another class where we fight the guy in the padded suit again, is it?" "rosie:" "i didn't feel threatened by that guy at all." "i just can't wait till a pervert really comes after me." "trust me, this will be the most intense training session you will ever have." "it'll be just like you're surrounded by actual perverts." "?" "dick." "hey elfy, two questions." "ok." "first, i want to register, second, why are you dressed like a science fiction character, when you're at a fantasy larping tournament?" "for the record, that was one question, ok?" "and to answer your one question, unlike everyone else here, i like to be creative, and not follow the crowd." "my character is from star fleet, i've been sent back in time to observe primitives like yourself in an effort to refine our cultured way of life." "so why don't you just give me your 25 bucks, and then you and your primate friends can go in and bash each other over the head." "come on." "you know what, bite me." "oh, well, live long and pro- oh wait, my fingers are falling asleep, except for that one." "oh." "go drill a hole in the wall." "come on gimbledorf, let's go, 25 bucks." "i guess lloyd left already, huh?" "yeah, tell somebody who cares." "oh sweet, you already passed level eight." "it was easy, i just used that map that lloyd downloaded off the internet." "oh, yeah, i remember that day." "that's where we spent the whole day laughing and sharing about our long forged friendship, right?" "that was a good day, indeed, huh?" "it was yesterday." "come on patrick, we need to help him." "i mean, remember how he didn't even get mad when you said that you banged him mom?" "forget it!" "he broke the bros before hoes code, i'll die before i'm ever guilty of breaking that rule!" "yeah, by punishing him for this transgression, are you not also breaking that rule?" "you're allowing a girl to come betwixt him and a friend who's in need of our help." "what the fuck?" "!" "dude, are you on his side or mine?" "i'm on our side." "i don't think they're coming." "what about cassandra?" "she said she'd be here." "i'll wait here for her, but you must get to the marshalling area." "your army awaits their orders." "alright." "wish me luck." "may ullr bless your sword, and odin your shield." "thanks." "i was basically wishing you luck." "odin, father of thor." "jesus, read a fucking book." "what a beautiful sight, my minions have gathered from across the land to come and crush my foes." "you seem more interested in glorifying yourself than in serving the blood gods." "you seem like a dick." "minions, behold your master." "today, we wipe the taint of the white wizard from this land for good." "the one who slays his students will receive my personal blessing." "i spit on the taint of the white wizard." "jorgen, look who it is." "you guys ready to kick some ass?" "your optimism causes my laughter." "yes, it is very amusing." "we are surely outnumbered, and will receive many massive wounds." "our blog will overflow with images of glorious death." "it is very impressive." "would you like the url?" "maybe later." "no, here i'll write it on your arm now, so you won't forget." "anyhow, i came up with a battle plan, so if everybody could just gather around, we can go over it." "everyone just- he commands no respect." "dagmar, document his pain." "you know, i've seen some bullshit before, but this takes the cake!" "fall in, you filthy fuck faces!" "that's funny, you know, because i don't think i said stand there and look like idiots, i said fall in, before i tear off your heads and crap down your throats!" "come on, come on, come on, my grandmother moves faster than you limp wristed fatties!" "fall in, maggots, and listen up!" "ok, yes." "i can't hear you." "yes!" "thanks guys, listen, i'm sorry about-- hey lloyd, friendship means you don't need to say sorry." "this is lloyd, the holy paladin, commander of the forces of light." "you will pay very close attention to his instructions, and you will follow them to the tee." "you got that?" "yeah!" "yes!" "alright." "our enemy thinks his advantage in numbers is his strength." "it's not." "we shall turn it into his weakness." "we will lure him into our trap, his overconfidence the snare, and when we have him right where we want him, we'll grab his balls." "what?" "and then we rip them off!" "every great leader must ride to battle on a worthy steed." "what?" "mount him." "he needs to be inside." "yeah." "our leader." "you look powerful lloyd." "you look like shakira, oswald." "thanks." "sir, i beg you to stay open just a few more moments." "i don't understand your primitive dialect." "come on, move along." "primitive?" "you should know that i am a level 80 wizard, and i will not tolerate your troll like behavior." "hey, i said move along buddy, or you're gonna get cut." "your empty threats do not phase the white wizard, my pointy eared space friend." "ok, i warned you, back off, or i'm gonna have to break the prime directive." "hah, just like a vulcan to bring a phaser to a magic fight." "andy, we're here." "where are the perverts?" "uh, i don't mean to interrupt whatever's going on here, but they need to register." "yeah, fat chance." "your giant sperm friend here with the purse is threatening my life." "sir, you pulled your weapon first." "ok, everybody just calm down." "hey back off." "hey." "do not point that at her." "i said back off." "don't point it at me either." "i'm pointing it, aren't it?" "testicles meet lightning bolt." "ah!" "ah!" "arctic blast." "ah!" "ah!" "bring me the heads of the man creatures!" "charge!" "down boy." "let's introduce them to the hammer brothers, jack and sledge." "archers!" "pathetic." "go and serve your blood gods." "AAAAh!" "dagmar, document my glorious death." "and mine." "AAah!" "ah!" "ugh!" "klaus:" "that was wonderful." "ok, look, all we want to do is register for the battle, preferably before it's over." "yeah, well based on what i'm hearing, that's just about to happen now, isn't it?" "ok, so let's get this ball rolling." "excuse me, registration desk is closed." "dude, all you have to do is open the book and write down our names." "i mean, we'll even pay extra." "wait a minute, you trying to bribe me?" "how about if we show some skin?" " what?" " what?" "you register us, and we flash you." "i am far beyond the temptations of the flesh, there avatar." "sweet fulton potatoes." "for a thousand nights i have dreamt of this day." "make'em jiggle." "can we register now?" "vulcan:" "yeah, yeah, come on move, put your mark in the book, go, go, go, go." "i know this may be illogical, but will you marry me?" "we can start with a vulcan mind meld and work our way down." "i can feel your pussy." "[agent danger movie theme music]" "i'm a man of peace." "you, leave in pieces." "what did i tell you about doing cocaine?" "i guess cassandra wasn't the only tough guy on this team." "ah!" "stand back lloyd, i'll take care of this knucklehead." "oswald, he's gonna kill you." "well then avenge me." "no, wait, avenge me first." "i'm a berserker barbarian dwarf warrior!" "ah!" "ah!" "ah!" "ok." "please." "we're larping, we're having fun." "please. please." "AAah!" "reinforcements!" "pervert!" "you pervert!" "this is the sexiest tournament ever." "derek:" "i must admit, you put on a somewhat believable show." "just wait for the encore." "why don't you save me the time, get on your knees in front of me, and surrender." "i think you have me confused with your mom." "oh that's it, that is it." "charge!" "he's losing." "lloyd, if you win you can fuck stick my sugar bowl." "ah!" "get me out of this thing." "give up." "i could." "or i could simply vaporize your sword." "taum saw, de ecket, flesruar, caforg, swordus, be goneus." "oh crap." "well then, do you have anything to say, before i melt your face with a spell straight from the dark gods." "well, as a paladin, i can cast divine exorcism, banishing you to the twisting nether." "yes, in theory, you could do that, but at your level, you would need the fabled one thousand sided die to cast a spell like that on an unbelievably awesome level 60 dark mage, as myself." "you don't mean, one of these, do you?" "it can't be." "what is it?" "the thousand sided die is a rare and powerful item, held by only the most dedicated larpers, who even dare to perform such a powerful spell." "with it, there is only a one in one thousand chance that lloyd can lose." "lactatus, intoleras, pesneris, maxitosis matchus leakus." "ha!" "a critical miss." "damn!" "that was the one in one thousand chance." "the gods of fate have pre-ordained my win, and your loss." "you know what, enough of this bullshit." "right now, right here, you and me, no spells, no tricks." "silence, i have to decide what type of spell would be most humiliating to end this battle." "shall i turn you into a buttercup, or perhaps a horrible kitten with little rotten teeth?" "you scared?" "what?" "are you scared to fight me man to man?" "if you win by casting some fruity spell, it will be a hallow victory because everybody here knows it's because you were scared." "your attempt to bait me into some type of needless physical prowess combat test, it's futile." "it's good, i'm glad then, because, well i had patrick break into your place last night, and take a shit on your copy of prince finntor, number one." "you liar." "you liar!" "the student has become the master." "blood gods, why have you forsaken me?" "!" "well, i guess the good guys win." "i have never worked so hard to pass a class." "lloyd, watch out!" "wha!" "lightning bolt." "ah!" "ah, it burns." "it burns like, ah!" "it burns my eyes like- like piss!" "AAah!" "i swore i'd never use my magic in anger again." "i don't think one relapse is that bad." "patrick:" "you guys should have seen what those chicks did to leopold." "yeah, they kept calling him a pervert as they beat him, and i couldn't take it anymore, i had to stop watching." "you did it." "well, you helped a little." "hey, where did derek go?" "oh, he ran off into the woods after andy melted his face." "so those cool gnomes are talking about getting some pizza." "i'm buying, but don't let that unicorn shit in my sister's van." "patrick:" "make sure to establish that you're the one in charge." "if you let her take control, it's gonna ruin your life." "i think they'll be fine, patrick." "lloyd, the key to a good relationship is compromise." "oh, and don't forget to sign a sex contract." "i'll keep that in mind." "what the hell's a sex contract?" "how do you think me and my internet girlfriend have been together for so long?" "i'm never using your keyboard again." "ready to go?" " are you?" " mm-hmm." "alright oswald, take care of this one for me." " will do." " peace out boys." "bye cassandra." "hey, make sure to be back at 8:00, we got that new agent danger movie on pay per view." "and thus goes the tale of lloyd the conqueror." "everything in our world was set back the way it was supposed to be." "through hard fought battles, and the bravery of the people, our larping league had found its balance again." "fun replaced fear, teamwork replaced treachery." "the forests and playgrounds reverberated with the whispers and wonder of magic and overall good times." "it was like all the secrets of the larp had somehow remained pure, and were able to show themselves through us, once again." "that is, until the shadows grow strong, and rise to challenge the forces of light, once again." "to do so, one would need an object of great and terrible magic, whose price would be one's soul and sanity." "no one would dare." "and so it is written, by me." "anyway, i'm old, and i ramble." "so do you want to buy a copy of my new book?" "i don't know, you just told me the whole thing." "what if i signed it?" "look, i'd really just like to sign up for demons and dwarves, and get out of here." "ok, the registration fee is $50, but i must warn you," "it's uh, non-refundable." "i must also warn you, don't feed the unicorn tacos." "for glory." "oh yes, yes, good jorgen." "ooohh ha ha." "oh, you can do more than that." "come on, let's see what you got." "oh!" "oh, that was good, actually." "hiya!" "oh, you got me unaware." "Subs. partly corrected by Lafemme."