"CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" "Hey!" "Hello!" "hello! me!" "while other quiz shows are snogging behind the bike sheds." "we're celebrating genius David Mitchell!" "CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" "Dara O Brien!" "CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" "Graham Norton!" "CHEERS AND APPLAUSE" "Alan Davies!" "CHEERS AND APPLAUSE" "But before our SWAT team of swots and Dara goes..." "BELL" "O Brien!" "David goes..." "BELL" "Mitchell!" "Graham goes..." "BELL" "Norton!" "And Alan goes..." "PING!" "Bob?" "LAUGHTER that's..." "APPLAUSE could you press your buzzer again?" "BELL" "The doctor'll see you now!" "LAUGHTER so I'm going to give you a bit of help." "you should have a bit of tissue somewhere near." "ALAN:" "I can't see anything!" "No!" "Have you got tissues anywhere?" "Yeah." "I want you to stick a piece of tissue up your left nostril as if you had a nosebleed or something." "very good." "two of you have." "I'm going for real penetration." "I can feel that up there." "now say something intelligent." "LAUGHTER" "Er..." "A squared equals B squared plus C squared." "That's very good!" "If... you know." "excellent! your right nostril or both?" "My arse." "Oi!" "but I've never kept a note of which it is." "some people do keep notes of how people breathe." "it does alternate." "It has a periodicity of four hours." "and what's completely weird is that you answer questions on different types of subject better according to which side you're breathing through." "Am I going to asphyxiate at about half past 12?" "that's a good point!" "You can breathe through your mouth if you want to. of what shift work our nostrils are on? like my tax return." "I'll wait till the more creative right nostril comes on at about 4pm." "now?" "you should be good at visual and spatial things." "you should be better at verbal things." "but you've probably heard of the study in '89 called Unilateral Nostril Breathing... that old thing!" "Quigley and Lynch." "So why don't all sports people constantly block their left nostrils?" "you've probably seen what a lot of sports people do." "I guess." "And often they snort drugs as well. they're also at their most verbally dextrous?" "Indeed!" "Mine!" "what have you got?" "What have you found?" "I think I lost the end." "Ohhh!" "won't it?" "eventually." "You'll cry it out at some point." "Are these going on eBay?" "yeah." "I think I've already left my mark. a higher score on the Spielberger State Anxiety Inventory." "don't block the right nostril." "So that's why now... aren't you?" "you've blocked the right nostril." "It's terribly sad." "LAUGHTER" "I'm going to ask you a question that will test your visual-spatial." "OK." "It seems the quickest way to improve verbal reasoning is to shove a tissue up your left nostril." "Let's see how they've worked." "Consider... an N-dimensional hypercube and connect each pair of vertices to obtain a complete graph of two to the power N vertices." "Colour each of the edges of this graph using only the colours red and black." "the smallest value of N for which every possible such colouring must necessarily contain a single coloured complete sub-graph with four vertices which lie in a plane?" "Six!" "That is exactly what people used to think." "LAUGHTER" "APPLAUSE That's amazing." "further!" "most graph theorists thought the correct answer was probably six." "I can only apologise." "But... how dare you!" "to keep up with the graph theory?" "It's probably only eight or nine hours a day you're devoting to it now." "I've got Graham's number." "Six?" "no." "Ah!" "We don't have that sort of relationship." "You've not got that sort of relationship!" "Graham's number." "But it's bigger than six." "Ofcourseit is ." "It is so ... really big number. 17." "Do you know what?" "It's even bigger than that!" "all right... couldn't make enough ink to write it out. which is really strange." "Why would it end in a seven?" "!" "Turn it into an eight and then it's a bigger number!" "which is huge." "I made it an eight at the end." "will you?" "OK." "I'm worried about what might come out when I pull it." "it seems - imagine the cube with lots of different dimensions what is the fewest number of dimensions so that you end up with at least one single coloured square with the same colour diagonals? that enormous number." "is it?" "The greatest mathematical minds in the world just don't know what the answer is. and they're really hoping nobody checks." "What they do know is it ends in a seven." "Why are exams so much easier for youngsters these days?" "Dara." "Thank you very much." "or are they simply marked more generously? but you've a tendency to presume that you have a very stupid generation of kids in this country." "Proof!" "yes!" "It is a horrendous Catch 22 if you're a 17-year-old. it still is defying the point of the exam." ""You're all great academically!" "Everyone can be professor of Latin!" "Share the professor of Latin's salary between you!" "it should be done by a percentile." "Which is how it used to be done." "and what's interesting about the IQ test so they have to normalise. retarded." "Well..." "Because they would have an IQ of 70." "My great-grandfather signed his marriage certificate with a cross so..." "Was his name Xavier?" "I don't think it was!" "perhaps he should have used a pen. you cannot be executed for a capital crime." "and therefore Flynn has often had to go... and he can save lives by doing that." "I'd have thought." "but they're taken as children." "They're not smart enough to throw an IQ test!" ""I'll put a circle here... you're dead!" "It's kind of the reverse of the sort of eugenicist argument that where they're letting the stupid live." "young people find IQ tests easier than their parents because apparently they're exposed to more problem solving in their life." "how would you create a genius?" "Is there a way of ensuring a genius?" "Breeding two geniuses together... exposed to lots of vitamin D from the sun... then." "tell us about your theory of eugenics! and stopping people from breeding if you think they might have stupid or feeble...?" "People farming!" "Nazism." "isn't it?" "is a thing that... quite respectable antecedents and liberal points of view before Nazism who believed that eugenics may be a good idea." "yeah." "Bernard Shaw and many others. her fun fact about herself right?" "LAUGHTER And her other fun fact was she hadn't told her husband that her father was a serial killer until after they were married! Do you think maybe your husband would have been concerned about having children given that there's a serial killer in you somewhere?" "he's been through similar things - his father committed suicide. and you thought that was a good gene pool to be splashing around in!" "You would give birth to a child who kills himself lots of times." "it's terrifying!" "how long..." "Was it before the speeches?" "LAUGHTER this might be worth catching." "This may explain why he went with orange." "The only one with plastic cutlery at the wedding reception." "Why are they wheeling your dad around with a cage over his face?" "you'd have a "Come as a serial killer" themed wedding." "who was one of the great geniuses?" "Da Vinci." "Da Vinci is exactly the man I was after." "they knew how astoundingly great he was." "actually..." "Was an idiot." "That's awful!" "and he decided he wanted their child to be like it sort of worked." "There's Leonardo dying." "they realised how great he was." "What's Rodney Bewes doing in the background?" "it's defo Rodney Bewes!" "He does look like Rodney Bewes." "is he? suddenly to discover that Rodney Bewes was immortal." ""And today it emerged that actor Rodney Bewes has been alive for as long as time"?" "Given the things we've been talking about where I'm pretending to know" "I actually really don't know who Rodney Bewes is." "Oh!" "Do you remember The Likely Lads?" "we didn't." "James Bolam..." "I know who he is!" "And Rodney Bewes." "They played a couple... right!" "The chance of me meeting him in the future are very high. and we talk about Leonardo." "you actually!" "and we've arrived at Rodney Bewes!" "That's the wrong direction!" "I didn't even know who he was!" "Don't blame me!" "You're so right!" "Graham." "I was wafting in the rarefied air of Leonardo." "The stink bomb of Rodney Bewes was exploded over there." "Rodney Bewes looks older there than Rodney Bewes in our present time so I think travel back in time using the futuristic technology of pulse checking." "What's this weirdo Rodney Bewes doing?" ""It's so embarrassing." "Why's he holding his hand?" "Leonardo was such a genius he predicted the Likely Lads." "LAUGHTER" "He wanted James Bolam and Rodney Bewes has turned up." "it's Bewes." "The one on the right has definitely got his hand on his head for that reason." "We ordered John Cleese and Connie Booth." "who's this dick?" "LAUGHTER" "Seriously?" "Rodney Bewes?"" "You brought Rodney Bewes here as a doctor?" "!" "that one." "don't make it Matthew Kelly." "Lord." "I've now got a horrible feeling that the Brian Blessed on the end has had his head sawn off." "He's had his brain taken out." "AS BRIAN BLESSED:" "That is no longer Brian Blessed!" "He's turned into somebody else!" "APPLAUSE" "I wanted... who was brought up to be a genius and actually kind of was. leaving 20 works behind him." "Pushed out of a window by Michelangelo." "Or possibly by Mozart." "Working in tandem." "Yes... it all makes sense." "Yes." "yeah." "Which was the first animal to be cloned?" "Well it can't be..." "It's not Dolly the sheep then." "you're right." "You have all been so good at avoiding the honey traps." "but it's not." "no." "We have to go back to the 1880s for the first cloning." "it was a sea creature actually." "it was a sea urchin." "There's one." "This was a German called Dreisch who did it in 1885." "cloned a salamander. and the noose was made of the hair of a human baby." "He used it as a lasso just to separate." "Isn't that marvellous?" "That's fiddly work." "It is very fiddly work." "There must have been lots of times where he used to go..." "SHOUTS" "Could I please have another baby's hair?" "Go back to the baby. "Argh!" "madam." "All the people trying to keep him calm. "Would you like another..." "I DON'T WANT ANOTHER COFFEE!" ""Do you want me to have a go?" "Dolly the sheep was the one you cleverly avoided." "But why Dolly?" "do you know?" "It was named after Dolly Parton because the cell came from the mammary glands." "Correctly correctington." "sir." "Excellent." "APPLAUSE" "We can just get another sheep and say there it is." "yes." "that's because they're genetically identical. because the first cat to be cloned was called Rainbow and her clone was known as CC." "There." "did they?" "They went to all the pet shops for that little faker." "They could at least have sent the guy who they sent to get the kitten with a photo." "Get any cat." "The little kitten is called CC." "Points if you can guess what that stands for." "Cat clone?" "or sort of wittier." "Say?" "AUDIENCE:" "Copycat." "you see?" "Very good." "it was part of a larger project to clone a dog." "LAUGHTER" "Missyplicity named after a dog named Missy." "The world's first cloned dog from Korea was called Snuppy." "Then they ate it." "LAUGHTER" "the point is the first animal to be cloned was the sea urchin way back in 1885. including the first cloned cats which look nothing like each other." "it doesn't take a genius to know that it's time to look for some general ignorance." "if you would." "How old are you?" "LAUGHTER" "BELL Norton." "How old do I look?" "BELL" "How old do I feel?" "though." "and all four of us think that's something but I've been made so uncertain that name or address." "How can this possibly be a trap?" "I am 37." "no points for that." "ALARM BLARES" "But that's not wrong!" "you are!" "GRAHAM:" "We should all do it." "BELL 34." "eh?" "34." "ALARM BLARES" "You don't want to do this." "46." "ALARM BLARES" "ALAN:" "I'm not doing it." "LAUGHTER but that's not how old you are whenever I touch you." "how old is that arm?" "Is it as old as that?" "something like that?" "DAVID:" "Is it five years we replace our entire selves?" "that's right." "DARA:" "Your cells regenerate." "Your red blood cells last only 120 days." "1.5 years." "GRAHAM:" "Hurry up!" "LAUGHTER" "Give it a chance to recover." "so all of your bones." "isn't it?" "it is! rather than a brand new one." "So they're replaced with second-hand ones?" "no." "I'm thinking of trading in my eight year-old Mazda for an eight and a bit year-old Mazda." "yes." "It's all rather unfortunate." "An adult's body may turnout somewhere between seven and ten years old though some cells are much younger." "And 98% of the 7 billion billion billion atoms in the human body are replaced yearly." "I think some of my socks are older than I am." "That's a marvellous thought." "I feel I should defer to them." "they're not human." "This is bacteria? more than ten times the number of human cells." "Isn't that interesting?" "all the cells in your body are around ten years old." "How did the Church of England originally react to Darwin's theory of evolution?" "They weren't happy about it." "They weren't happy about it!" "I don't think." "Nobody really got it for a while." "OK." "but when he published it was a massive bestseller." "and he was a gigantic figure of his time." "He was one of only five people not royal to be given a burial at Westminster Abbey." "They absolutely understood his greatness." "The surprising thing is the Church of England were not that worried at all." "But for many years most churchmen had encouraged people to believe but if there's anything it's that it shows nature doesn't care." "Yes. but the true understanding of evolution also shows that nature is completely horrific." "That was the major part the Victorians hated because they loved the countryside and birdsong." "This is Alexander's All Things Bright And Beautiful." "And instead they're locked in a vicious struggle for survival where all... hard life." "where they're quite stress-free." "it's a life they wouldn't expect in the wild." "The Origin Of Species was widely respected by mainstream churchmen at the time of its publication." "how many brains did the man with two brains have?" "Two." "Yes." "LAUGHTER" "That's brilliant!" "APPLAUSE" "It's so cruel!" "He's wise enough to spot a double bluff." "This is a technique of the bully." "did you think I was going to hit you?" "I wasn't going to hit you." "I've just lifted my hand to stroke you." "HE WHIMPERS that's exactly what we do." "The fact is that Dr Michael Gerschwin has proved that we all have two brains." "Your gut has an enteric nervous system and it's the only part of the body that can operate the thing we call the brain." "but it operates separately." "In that sense we do have two brains." "How bright would our stomachs be in the animal kingdom?" "Would they be cleverer than an octopus?" "I think they're just good at one thing and that's preparing poo for exit." "it's the gut." "the colon." "according to the latest thinking." "stop writing." "geniuses." "Time to mark your papers." "Graham Norton." "APPLAUSE" "David Mitchell." "APPLAUSE" "Dara O Brien." "APPLAUSE with today's geniuses of geniuses of genius is Alan Davies with four points!" "CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" "David and Alan." "I leave you with our genius Leonardo da Vinci's favourite joke. to which the painter replied but his children by night." "Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd" "E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk"