"Bene edamus" "Bene bibamus" "Epulas semper concelebramus" "Quod imperat regina" "Nil impediat doctrina" "Sed choro sonoro" "Dives in omnia" "Sed choro sonoro" "Dives in omnia" "Collegium, Collegium acclamus!" "Porterhouse!" "Porterhouse!" "To live and die in Porterhouse" "Dives in omnia" "(Clock chiming)" "Yoo-hoo!" "Mr Skullion!" "I want my keys!" "I think you've got someone in there with you." "Right, I'll get them myself, then." "No, you won't, Mrs Biggs." "(Chuckles)" "Look at you." "Somebody must've wanted to take a real poke at you." "I'll thank you to mind your own business Mrs Biggs." "(Laughing)" "Seen his whopper?" "Mr Skullion's got such a whopper!" " ( Mrs Biggs singing)" " Nice woman, that." "Oh!" "(Mrs Biggs) You may see a stranger" "You may see a stranger across a crowded room" " Decent, Mr Zipser?" " Coming, Mrs Biggs." " l'll bet!" "(Laughs)" " Sorry to keep you." "You couldn't afford to, dear." "Well, look at you." "You've had a sleepless night, haven't you?" "Something on your mind?" "My husband used to rip up the sheets something terrible when he was alive." "Mind you, that was mostly to get at me." "It's all he ever thought about, really, me." "And his whippets." "That's what killed him in the end - taking them for a run after a night of amour with me." "Ah!" "Terrible about Mr Skullion, isn't it?" "Big black eye out to here." "A right purler." "Not before time, either - that's what I says to him." ""Somebody must've wanted to take a real poke at you."" "(Vacuum cleaner starts up)" "Mrs Biggs, I'd like to take a real poke at you." "(Cleaner stops)" " What's that you said?" " Nothing." "Bag's full." "You can't get any suction when the bag's full." "(Zipser gasping)" "Mr Zipser, are you all right?" "I'm not myself." " Fearful things are happening." " You ought to see a doctor." "Do you often get took queer?" " Certainly not!" " l was only asking." "I had a young man once, just like you, got took queer every now and then." "He threw himself about and wriggled something terrible." "It took all my weight to hold him down, it did." "I'll get you some cocoa." " Morning, my dear." " There you are, Godber." "Non-specific urethritis has reached epidemic proportions amongst school leavers." " Has it, my dear?" " l've been thinking about Lady Mary Hall." "It must be co-educational, Godber." "Women are constantly disadvantaged in the ancient universities." " Jill Tweedie says so." " That could be going too far too soon." "I've just spent an hour studying the college accounts." "As far as I can understand, this college is about €1 million into the red." " How can it possibly be?" " l've not idea." "But I certainly intend to find out." "This college is not going to be a sinecure." "That's why you turned down the Bahamas." "Nonetheless, Godber, it's your duty to make Lady Mary Hall co-educational." "Women are just as cheap as men." "Must, must, must, duty, duty, duty." "What did you say, Godber?" "I said I must call the Bursar about the accounts." "It's my duty." "I did meet one promising student last night." "A Mr Zipser." "You must look out for him." "Ah!" "You, Mr Zipser." "Yes, Mr Skullion." "I had to come and say sorry." "How do you mean, sorry?" " Sorry I hit you last night." " Oh." "What makes you think that you hit me?" "Well, anyway, I'm sorry." "You thought I was gonna report you, didn't you?" "Well, I ain't." "Got away, you see." "You can't catch 'em, you can't report 'em." "That's the custom that's been handed down, so just count yourself lucky." "No, I was worried you might be hurt." "Me?" "Hurt?" "Huh." "What's a little hurt matter?" " l don't understand." " l know you don't, Mr Zipser." " Mr Giminghams." "Keys to the boathouse?" " Please." "Well, anyway, I'm sorry." "You would understand if you was a gentleman." " Beastly little swot." " Mm." "You know, Skullion, my father told me a rather interesting story about you." "Oh, yes, I remember him, sir." "Now, he was a gentleman." "He told me you got him through tripos without him sitting the papers." "I think he was having you on, Mr Gimingham." "Oh, come on, Skullion." "Now, look, you know me." "Been busy rowing." "Drinking and wenching." "So how do they expect me to pass history?" "I mean, it's all nonsense." " You never learn anything from a book." " Try opening one, Mr Gimingham." "Not much fun, is it?" "I'd rather be a Skullion's Scholar." "I haven't done that for some time, Mr Gimingham." "What are you after, a nice little third?" "No, Skullion." "I'm going into offshore banking." "That's more an upper second." "(Sucks teeth)" "You need a very good research student for that, sir." "Would 500 concentrate the mind?" " Oh..." " And the same again for the nerd." "(Coughs)" "There's only one here who can do that in history and he's just left." " What, Zipser?" " Beggars can't be choosers." " He'll get you a nice little second." " He wouldn't do it for me." "There's no need for him to know too much, Mr Gimingham." "There are ways in which these things can be... fixed." "Don't forget the keys to the boathouse, Mr Gimingham." "Keep your eye away from the keyholes, Skullion." "Thank you very much, sir." "(Knocking)" "Come." "Professor Siblington, I've an appointment to discuss my thesis with you." "Really?" "Come in." "Shut the door." "Sit down." "Move that laundry." "What is the subject of your thesis?" "Pumpernickel as a factor in the politics of 16th century Westphalia." "I couldn't supervise that." "I greatly doubt if it was." " What?" " l greatly doubt if pumpernickel was a factor in..." "what you said it was a factor in." "Professor Siblington, you gave me the topic." "You've been supervising it for two years." "Two boring, victimised, neglected years." "Then you'd better show me a portion of your endeavours." " l gave you three chapters a month ago." " Must be in all that rubbish over there." " l trust you kept a copy?" " No, I didn't." "It's the first thing I tell my students if I see them - which I rarely do - always keep a copy." "One can hardly be responsible for the accumulated detritus of the second year." "It's lost, isn't it?" "Two years of work." "Stop whining, man." "Sit down and have a bun." "You seem overwrought, to me." "Finding research too much of a strain?" "Or is it...more personal?" "How did you know?" "It always is." "Why God gave us genitals, I cannot imagine." "It's a great distraction to scholarship." "I've become obsessed... madly obsessed with my bedder." "I don't do sex, young man." "Just theses." "I think you'd better go and have tea with the Chaplain." " lf l can rouse him." " (Dialling)" "You know, I wanted your advice." "The Prime Minister was asking me, only the other day, where to find a first-rate economic mind to sit on a commission on university cuts." "I did say - most indiscreet of me " ""l hear there's a first-rate Bursar at Porterhouse."" " Did you, Master?" " You're not offended, then?" "Of course, I do realise, with all your College duties..." "One is always pleased to serve one's country." "Good!" " Er, water or soda?" " Water, please." "Well, you must come to lunch and we'll discuss it." "Ah." " To business." " To business." " l meant College business." " Oh." "Now, do sit down." "I must say, coming back to Porterhouse, many things depress me." "The atavism of some Fellows, the animalism of some undergraduates, the college results." "All those thirds and suspicious-looking aegrotats." "Oh, well, we don't claim to be an intellectual college." "It's always said that the reason Porterhouse produced no Russian spies was that none of the Fellows knew where Russia was." "But why choose such appalling candidates?" " Why not pick good scholars?" " There are one or two obstacles." " The Senior Tutor?" " Not just he." "I mean, our dependence on endowment subscriptions." " l never heard of them." " Very few have." "One or two of the Fellows and of course the parents of our less academically gifted undergraduates." "Do you mean we take these useless youths in exchange for concealed donations?" "But... that's tantamount to selling degrees for bribes." "I say identical." "But without these bribes - donations - Porterhouse, in a nutshell, is broke." "But why?" "I mean, what do other colleges do?" "We're not like other colleges." "They're some of Britain's biggest landowners and shareholders." "King's had Lord Keynes as Bursar." "We had Lord Fitzherbert, the man who broke the bank at Monte Carlo." "That's his portrait looking down on you." " But if he broke the bank..." " lt was our bank he broke, the East Anglian Lowland." "Bet all its assets - our assets - on the turn of a wheel." " Did he blow his brains out on the spot?" " No." "We had no choice but to elect him Master." "After an enormous meal, he died upstairs, in bed, at 80, of..." "A Porterhouse Blue." "All he left us with were a few acres of swamp in Radnorshire and a terrace of houses in Rhyder Street, occupied rent free in perpetuity by the college servants." "I counted the college servants at last night's feast." "The number was totally excessive." "Well, evidently, there is room for retrenchment." "And if we enlarge the college, our services will become far more economical." "All the more reason for the new building." " But how would we raise the money?" " An appeal, Bursar." "I have some very rich friends in the City." "But Master, won't they want to see the college accounts?" "Ah." "What if this secret endowment fund were to become generally known?" "Mr Skullion, I want a meeting of College Council this evening at nine." "You can't do that, Master!" "The College Council meets on the first Thursday of the month." "Nevertheless, Mr Skullion, this evening at nine." "( A Wand'ring Minstrel from The Mikado)" " (Knocking)" " Come!" "Morning, sir." "Cold and wintry." "Nasty eye, there, Skullion." "Yes, sir, slipped on the path." " Got away, did he?" " Yes, sir." " Good for him." "Anything else to report?" " Yes, sir." "Master's called a meeting for College Council, nine o'clock tonight." "Has he, indeed?" "Then, perhaps, we'll find out what he's up to." "College Council meets first Thursday of the month, sir. lt's always been the way." "Yes, Skullion, well, now we have a Master who does not know all our ways - yet." " Bursar went to see him this morning, sir." " Yes, I did know that, Skullion." " l sent him." " Bit of a slippery sod if you ask me, sir." "Begging your pardon." "Got no bottom, as Lord Wurford would've said." "The Bursar's bottom is not your business, Skullion." "is that all?" "Well, there's Cheffy, sir." " Chef?" "What's the matter with him?" " lt's all the servants, sir." "Very upset about the Master's speech, wondering what he's going to do next." "Tell Chef there'll be no changes." "The Master was just feeling his way." "He'll learn." " Yes, sir." " Thank you, Skullion." " ( Music starts)" " Very nasty speech that was, sir." "Yes, Skullion." "Sir Cathcart D'eath wouldn't have liked it, would he?" "No, indeed, he'd be appalled." "He wouldn't like to see the college going to the dogs, sir, would he?" "Everything is all right, Skullion." "Now go." "Yes, sir." "Thank you, sir." "Well done, old boy." "Whoa, whoa." "Whoa." " Good afternoon, Sir Cathcart." " Skullion?" "You old rascal." "What've you done to your eye?" "Been in the wars?" "Yes, sir." "Nice bit of flesh." "This?" "Or that?" " This, sir." " Mmm." "Past it, poor bugger." "Tough titty." "You're for cat meat." "What do you want, you old bugger?" "Racing tips?" "Not a usual day." "Ahem. lt's a rather private matter, sir." "Bog off, eh?" "See you for sundowners." "I've got to have a word with old Skullion, here." " What's the matter?" " lt's about the new Master, sir." " Oh, canting hypocrite, ain't he?" " Yeah." "We were in college together, you know." "Butcher's boy, we called him." "Trumping arse then, trumping arse now." "Only got where he did because he married money and a title." "What's he done now?" "It's, er..." "He's changing the college, sir." "Wants to fill it with scholars." "If I had my way, I'd kick every scholar out and put in some athletes, run the place properly." "Tell you what, Skullion - fruit of experience." "A man can learn more between the thighs of a good woman than in any college." "Ain't I right?" "Well, I wouldn't really know about that, sir." "Oh." "Well, what did you really come for, you old bugger?" " lt's not for me, sir. lt's for the college." " Mmm." "You've got influence, you and the other Old Porterhusians." "If they knew how he was destroying the college, they'd put a stop to it." "You have a touching faith, Skullion." "But we'll deal with that tit-head." "Tell the Dean, my Rolls outside the college gates, 1800 hours tomorrow." "Knew you would, sir." "Thank you." "And put this on Peculiar Practice, Newmarket, 40 to 1 , in the 3:30." " And..." "Skullion..." " Yes, sir?" "You did right to tell me." "Yes, sir." "Thank you, sir." "Ask Cook to give you a cup of tea before you leave." "Thank you, sir." "Porterhouse!" "Porterhouse!" "To live and die in Porterhouse" "Tea pot, tea cosy, sugar basin, spoons." "Er, milk jug." "You do take milk, do you?" " Yes." " What?" " Yes." " Ah." "Good." "So many people take lemon these days, especially the Chinese." "Oh, yes." "Now, then, toasting fork, crumpets, butter, salt..." "No, not salt." "They're your crumpets, boy, you toast them." "I will sit down by the fire and you can tell me your little problems." "Professor Siblington spoke to me of it but I didn't catch much." " l'm deaf, you know." " l know." " What?" " l know." "Yes." "Now, nothing you say can possibly shock me." "I've been solacing young men all my life." " lt's terribly embarrassing." " You'll have to speak up." "Just a minute, I've got a useful thingummy here that I use for confessions." " (Feedback) - (Very loudly) Now, tell me your problems." "Everything will be treated in the strictest confidence." "Now, what is all this about?" " Self-abuse?" " lt's not self-abuse!" "It's not self-abuse!" "I've developed a terrible fixation on my bedder." "Oh, good!" "(Zipser) This morbid, hideous urge." "When she pushes against..." " Who is it?" " Bloody old Zipser." "When she squeezes the bag on the hoover, oh, it's as if I'm driven by a demon." "I feel I have to take hold of her, possess her." " (Cheering) - (Chaplain) Don't despair, young man." "(Cheering)" "Give her one!" "There is a simple answer." "Au pairs, language students." "Remember what Rupert Brooke said." ""There is some corner of a foreign field that is forever England."" "(Cheering)" "Find yourself a nice French girl." "Or a Swede." "Southern Europeans tend to hairiness, I'm told." "(Jeering)" "And one piece of advice I always give my men." "Never conjugate without a protective." "Shh!" "Porterhouse..." " Come on!" " Come on, Zipser!" "To live and die in Porterhouse" "(Bell tolling)" " Nine o'clock, Mr Skullion." " Yes." "Time for College Council, Walter." "You take charge here." "Anyone calls, you just say Mr Skullion's stepped out for a bit." " Are we finally here?" " Where's the Chaplain?" "He's coming." "Now, gentlemen, please remember - this is our chance to preserve College - we must stay firm and stand united." "Evening, sir." "Evening, sir." "Gentlemen." " Evening, Skullion." " Evening, sir." "Porterhouse, Porterhouse" "To live and die in Porterhouse" "Porterhouse, Porterhouse" "To live and die in Porterhouse" "Dives in omnia" "So, here you are." "Five minutes late already." "Perhaps this is one reason why the college affairs are in such a chaos." "I believe I left them in very good order." " Master, this meeting is not constitutional." " No agenda has been issued." "(Master) May we cut the absurd preliminaries and get on?" "(Master) Order, gentlemen." "(indistinct raises voices)" "(Master) Gentlemen, I have to tell you that today, my colleague the Bursar and I inspected the accounts." "I've called you together to inform you, that, not to put too fine a point on it," "Porterhouse is bankrupt." " Bankrupt?" " The suggestion is absurd!" "Not at all, Dean, the figures are here, the Bursar can confirm them." "Now, gentlemen, will you sit down?" "My task must be to put matters right at once." "So here are three proposals to be implemented immediately." "Proposals may only be made in writing at three days' notice." " Standing orders state it quite clearly." " Exemplem habemus." "There is only one rule for committees - cut the cackle and get on with business." " Proposal one." " (Uproar)" "Will you chatter later?" "I have to leave in 15 minutes." "Unlike you, I am a busy man." "Proposal one, eliminate waste." "This costly practice of dining in Hall will be abolished." "We'll replace it with a self-service canteen run by an outside caterer." "Self-service?" "(Dean) Ours is the best high table in Cambridge!" "No outside caterer could sustain the standard of Porterhouse High Table." "It's world famous!" "High Table is divisive and will be abolished." "High Table is a fundamental feature of College life." "(Distorted) Our Feast is in the statutes!" " We have the best chef in the university." " The cuisine is world famous!" "Proposal two, improve academic standards." "I gather they've fallen considerably since 1939." "I understand there was a particularly poor intake of Fellows that year." "I came in 1939." "Exactly." "Henceforth, Porterhouse will admit candidates on academic merit and that alone." "That poses insuperable problems." "If that is your resignation, I accept it." "(Master) This will require an expansion - a new building, Lady Mary Hall." "We therefore we begin an appeal immediately." "That would totally change the character of College." "The character of the college, Dean, is bankruptcy, financial and otherwise." "In any case, we need it for proposal three." "Admission of women." "Women?" " Women?" " ln Porterhouse?" "Heard that!" "Heard it!" "Splendid idea." "Revoltingly unhygienic." "Lady Mary insists as a matter of justice and I am forced to agree." "You, maybe, but many of us are here precisely in order not to be forced to agree with women." "Here..." " (Master) Yes, Dean, you wished to speak?" " (Dean coughing)" "Come on, Dean." "Come on." "(Coughing)" "Oh, dear, Dean." "Not a Porterhouse Blue, I trust?" " lt's a betrayal..." " Believe me, Dean, these proposals will transform the college." "At, you might say, a stroke." "Poor taste, poor taste." "Now, may I count on your full support?" "I, for one, am adamantly opposed." "Doubtless I speak for the Dean." " And I, too." " Chaplain?" "Sugar in mine, please." " Bursar?" " The position is desperate." " What?" " But I accept the sense of the meeting." "Ah!" "Quite what I expected." "Then I have but one course." "I resign as Master of Porterhouse." "He's going. (Chuckles)" "The bugger's going!" " (Clattering)" " Ooh!" "Well, of course, we shall miss you, Master." "But not much." "However, let me tell you how I shall proceed." "My letter will go tomorrow explaining my reasons to the Prime Minister." " What are your reasons, Master?" " l must protect my own position." "I cannot be Master of a college that takes unqualified candidates in exchange for bribes under the guise of an endowment fund." "I cannot be party to a major academic scandal." "I know nothing of any bribes." "Oh, yes - l have the facts and figures here, ready to send to the Prime Minister, who will pass them on to the University, not to mention the Director of Public Prosecutions." "Do continue your discussion, gentlemen." "If you should wish to accept my proposals, totally unconditionally, I can see you for five minutes after lunch tomorrow." "Thank you, gentlemen." "Good evening." "He's beaten them." "The bugger's beaten them." "Oh..." "Cuh!" "That, I believe, is what is popularly known as getting us over a barrel." " What are these bribes?" " l blame you, Bursar!" "You told him about the endowment subscriptions." "You told me to make the disastrous financial position quite clear!" "You ass, Bursar, you supply-siding monetarist ass!" "Gentlemen!" "Gentlemen!" "We must not become divided!" "That is precisely what he wants." "To live and die in Porterhouse" "(Birdsong, bell tolling)" "(Bell echoing)" "(Door opening)" "Well, well, Mr Zipser." "You don't usually get up this early." "Yes, it's only seven." "I thought you didn't come till eight?" "You know me, love." "I can come any time I want to." "You must be feeling better, then." "Yes." "Yes, I am." "Blessed mac." "Here, love, be a gent." "Give us a hand." "No, it's stuck round the front, love." "Ah..." "Ooh!" "I say, Mr Zipser, are you quite sure?" "I always thought you were a nice boy but..." " Ooh!" "Ooh!" " Oh!" "Oh, oooh!" " (Moans)" " Ahhh!" "Sorry, Mrs Biggs, I've got to go to breakfast." "Ah, Mr Zipser!" "Could you spare a moment, sir?" "Er, what is it?" "Just a little matter that might interest you, sir, something that might help you with your research, you might say." "I've got an urgent appointment." "Will later do?" "Yes, later will do, Mr Zipser." "Later will do." "Good morning!" "Buenos dias." "Come stai?" " Hello." "Erm..." " Are you a student here?" " Hey?" "Are you a foreign student at the language school?" "My name is Monika, I am 19, I am from Sweden." "I'm here in Cambridge to learn very good English." "You speak it very well." "Actually, I'm a language expert myself." "Erm, how about some extra tuition?" " Hey?" " Extra tuition?" "Smorgas-borg, you and me." "My name is Monika, I am 19." "I go in there to learn more English." "Ah." "When do you finish?" "Er, six, half past, PM." " l'll see you after, then." " See you after." " Yes, see you after." " See you after." "See you after." " All yours, sir." " Yes, thank you." " Scarf, sir." " Oh." "Thank you." "Well, what can we do you for?" "Erm, just a trim." "What about a shampoo and singe, sir?" "Very good for the hair." "Er, no, thank you." "Just a trim." " With the University, are we, sir?" " Yes, that's right." "Get a lot of academics here." "One gentleman comes three times a week." "Very famous don." "Says he gets all his best ideas in my chair." " Really?" "Tell me something." " Yes, sir?" "Do you have any protection?" " Are you threatening me?" " No, I mean, gentleman's protectives." "You know - johnnies." " l'd like five packets." " Oh, yeah?" "Five?" "No, I've got a Catholic landlord, won't let me stock 'em." "Mind you, there's no money in French letters." "Now they've got those dispensing machines in every gents in town." "is that so?" " That's enough, thank you." " l've only started!" "That's perfect. lt's just how I want it." "(Man) I'll be out in a minute." "(Tap running)" "(Fruit machine bleeping)" "Another of the same." " Are you sure, sir?" " Quite sure, sir." "Only you seem to have had a heavy lunch-time session already." " Been on a romantic quest." " Oh." "Machine in the toilet - you know." " What about it?" " lt's empty. lt's..." " utterly empty." " lt's always empty." " l fill it up, blokes like you empty it." " lt's got my money in it." "Oh, yeah." "How do I know it's your money?" "How do I know you're not just trying it on?" "I can't try it on, I haven't got it yet." "Look, why don't you try the suppliers?" "They guarantee complete satisfaction." "My word, that's... marvellous." "Very good service." " Yeah, they're just down the road." " How very convenient." "Well, mind how you go." "I will. I always take every precaution." "Hello?" "Well, sir?" "I've just come from the public house up the road er, and thingy dispenser's empty, it's run right out." "The Anchor?" "Very well, sir, hang on a moment." "The Anchor, The Anchor..." "The Anchor." "There we go." "Mm, that's it." "Four gross." "That's quite a lot." "That should keep me going." " That's the usual order." " ls it?" " Fine." " Here you are." "OK." "Sign here." " Sign?" "Really?" " Yep." "Thank you." "Hello!" "Me again!" "Come on, we're closed." " But I brought the precautions!" " Why don't you get along?" "You've had enough to drink, haven't you?" "Well, that certainly is true." "In a body like this?" "is it really necessary?" "Doesn't it look obsequious?" "(Dean) He wants humble pie, he shall get it." "We must show him we're of one mind, don't you agree, Bursar?" " Oh, absolutely." " A black day in the history of College." " Look at it - beautiful in its ancient glory." " lt will remain so." "Supposing he withdraws his resignation, insists on publishing his accusations?" "We won't argue, just tell him what he wants to hear." "Gentlemen, all we're doing is buying time." "(Bell ringing)" " The Master is available, I trust?" " So, gentlemen, I see you are all here." "I can grant you a second." "Well?" "You have something important to tell me?" " Yes, Master, we have." " Tu peux rester, Héléne." "We have thought about our last meeting, reconsidered our opposition and would like you to remain Master of Porterhouse." "Well, well, well." "And that vote of confidence is supported by all of you, without exception?" "So, you accept, without reservation, my three proposals?" "College economies, qualified scholars, female undergraduates?" " Naturally, we have private reservations..." " But in the interests of College..." "We accept them all unreservedly." "Well, thank you, gentlemen." "I shall consider what you tell me and let you know my decision at the next College Council." "Shall we say same time next week?" "College Council meets on the first Thurs... Ideal, Master." " You will now withdraw your resignation?" " And your letter to the Prime Minister?" "I will give you my decision then, when you have proved your continued goodwill." "Thank you, gentlemen." "Merci, Héléne." "(Chuckles)" " The man's determined to abuse us!" " Never fear, Praelector." "He'll rue the day he became Master of Porterhouse." "(Chaplain) How extraordinary!" "Isn't that young Zipser?" "What is all that?" "Presumably the fruits of his researches." "Come here, sir." " Me, sir?" " Yes, you, sir." "What's the matter?" "Are you drunk?" "I'm pissed as a fart but ready to perform." "(Laughs)" "How dare you!" "You're gated!" "For a week." "Do you understand me?" "Gated?" "I'm afraid not." "Oh, I found that foreigner." "What a goer, eh?" "You are confined to College." "You will report to me every night and every morning." "If you commit any other misdemeanours, you will be sent down." "I got them, like you told me." " The protectives!" " Go to your room at once, sir!" "That is the kind of young man the Master intends to fill College with." "To victory, Mary!" "The reform of Porterhouse, the advancement of learning." "The coming of women." "Just so." "Do you know, the Fellows really crawled to me, Mary." "You could say I've got them by the short and curlies." "I sometimes think the odour of the butcher's shop clings to you still." "But do be careful, Godber - that Dean is very devious." "Oh, he's a bigot and a Neanderthal, with the persistence of bigotry and the cunning of ignorance." "But the others are coming round!" "I have the Bursar." " Creepy little man." " Let's have him to lunch on Friday." "Invite him if you must." "I'm off to the Samaritans." "Remember - they're probably only buying time." "Gated!" "Gated!" "It's a tragedy." "Of tragic proportions." "(Laughs uproariously)" "Here you are, Dr Messmer, there's your parcel." "Mind how you go, it says handle with care." "Ooh!" "Mind how you go out there, sir, because it's very slippery tonight." "That's it." "There you are, Mr Skullion, on duty at last." "I've sent several messages asking you to come and see me." " l take it they arrived?" " Oh, yes, Master." "Then why didn't you come?" "Well, I've been rather busy, sir, with the servants being rather unsettled just now." "You know - worrying about their jobs." "Mr Skullion..." "Skullion, sir." "Am I or am I not Master of Porterhouse?" "So I understand, sir." "So your first duty is to me, isn't it?" "Your second, to the college servants." "At the risk of being impertinent, sir... I do think I know my duties." "I have been here 45 years, that's longer than anyone - the Dean, the Praelector, anyone." "In fact, I remember when you were just an undergraduate, sir." "Yes, and you were rude then but I'm not talking about ancient history." "And we have traditions that go back long before you or me." "A way of doing things." "I've served seven Masters before you, sir." "I respected them and they respected me." "You won't be here much longer if you take that tone with me." " lt ain't right to change things." " They have to change." "The Fellows recognise that and you'll do the same or go." "Now take that to the Bursar." "And it goes now, not later." "is that clear, Mr Skullion?" "Yes, sir." "Not Mr Skullion." "Skullion, sir." "As you would know if you was a gentleman." "Porterhouse!" "Porterhouse!" "To live and die in Porterhouse!" "Dives in omnia" "Porterhouse, in Porterhouse" "Dives in omnia" "Bene edamus" "Bene bibamus" "Epulas semper concelebramus" "Quod imperat regina" "Nil impediat doctrina" "Sed choro sonoro" "Dives in omnia" "Sed choro sonoro" "Dives in omnia" "Collegium, Collegium acclamus" "Porterhouse!" "Porterhouse!" "To live and die in Porterhouse!" "Dives in omnia" "Porterhouse, in Porterhouse" "Dives in omnia"