"♪ I am the stone that the builder refused ♪" "♪ I am the visual, the inspiration that made lady sing the blues ♪" "♪ I'm the spark that makes your idea bright ♪" "♪ the same spark that lights the dark ♪" "♪ so that you can know your left from your right ♪" "♪ I am the ballot in your box, the bullet in the gun ♪" "♪ the inner glow that lets you know to call your brother son ♪" "♪ the story that just begun ♪" "♪ the promise of what's to come ♪" "♪ and I'ma remain a soldier till the war is won ♪" "♪ chop chop chop ♪" "♪ judo flip ♪" "♪ chop chop chop ♪" "♪ judo flip ♪" "I admit, I am envious of you." "In China, if you lose $20 billion, they shoot you." "Here, they give you another $20 billion." "Amusing." "Our kickball team is very formidable this year." "My granddaughter, Ming, is the team Captain." "I am hoping it will be an epic contest." "No offense to your granddaughter, Mr. Long do, but our team [bleep] on your team." "We'll see." "I hate to spoil such a beautiful day with such a close friend talking about the unpleasantness of business." "However, my associates are getting nervous." "We need our money -- all of it." "That's not possible!" "Unfortunate." "Now, Mr. do, I'm sure we can find another way to work this out." "I'm listening." "Say, how's your gambling addiction?" "Much better..." "Now." "I'm never playing kickball again." "Come on, boy, you have to do this." "Ed Wuncler asked for you by name." "It's because of him I quit the game in the first place and gave Jennifer Herman a permanent, severe limp." "Look, nobody need to be reminded of that tragic day when you gave that girl a permanent, severe limp." "It was the junior league championship against Wuncler's team, and ed had paid off the ref." "And, oh, you guys were losing bad." "It was a blow-out." "They were calling him the Tiger Woods of kickball before the wife-cheating thing." "Now they just call him "loser."" "Huey, you suck!" "Huh?" "You suck!" "Then the crowd started laughing at you, and we all know you don't like to be laughed at." "And you snapped." "You went crazy!" "Aah!" "Freeman has hit her with the pitch!" "Oh, the horror!" "And, believe me, folks, this was no accident!" "He meant to do that!" "If that girl is still alive, she will undoubtedly have a permanent and severe limp." "One thing is certain -- she will never play kickball again, and neither should Huey Freeman." "Well, too bad." "Ed Wuncler owns everything, including the bank that owns this house." "He just got $20 billion in bail-out money, and I'm trying to be his best friend." "If ed wants to tell me to jump, I'm gonna say, "how high?" And throw your ass in the air." "I'm not gonna play." "Okay, fine." "If you don't want to play, you don't want to play." "Ed, here he is as promised." "Now get over here, boy." "Good job, Robert." "I'll remember this when I do my Christmas yacht shopping." "Yeah, boy!" "Now, Huey, the Wushung/Woodcrest junior/senior harmonious kickball tournament is the greatest kickball competition in the history of the sport." "129 years ago, my great-great-grandpa Prescott Rothschild Wuncler sailed to Wushung, China." "The local monks had invented a game similar to baseball, except it involved a red rubber ball and a lot of kicking." "He originally called it "jap baseball" because he didn't know what country he was in and didn't care." "He brought the sport back to America, where the liberal p.C." "Bitch-asses renamed it "kickball."" "Today, in the spirit of harmony between our two cities, we alternate hosting a kickball tournament known as the" "Wushung/Woodcrest junior/senior harmonious kickball tournament." "There's no way I'm playing." "'Cause of you, I gave a girl a permanent, severe limp." "Oh, really?" "This little girl?" "That's right, Huey -- Jennifer can walk just fine." "Hit it, Jenny." "You were dominating the entire Woodcrest junior league, and I couldn't have that." "I made up the story about Jennifer's permanent limp, correctly assuming the emotional trauma of the event would make you quit the game." "But now I need to win this game against the Chinese." "You were willing to scar me for life over a kickball game?" "But that's how good of an opponent you were." "But this game is bigger than you and me, Huey." "I present the Woodcrest harmonious kickball team." "First, courtesy of Blackwater USA, the senior squad." "Mercenaries?" "They prefer the term "private kickball contractors."" "And this is the junior squad?" "They are the best the Dominican Republic has to offer." "As you can see, I've spared no expense for victory." "Yay!" "All right!" "Vámonos!" "Vámonos!" "It's the greatest junior/senior kickball team ever assembled." "Tell me you don't want to be part of kickball history." "I don't want to be a part of kickball history." "I'm not making a request." "I'm prepared to blackmail you with a picture of you wearing" "Kanye West Venetian sunglasses, nut-hugger jeans, and" "Louis Vuitton driving shoes." "That's photo-shopped." "Explain that to media takeout." "I'll risk it." "All right, Huey, I'm not a fan of the truth, but here it is." "The Chinese are calling in some debts, and I had to bet everything on this game -- my banks, your home, everything." "You think I'm bad, just wait till the Chinese take away all the freedoms you enjoy -- freedom to complain, freedom to have as many offspring and assault rifles as you like, the freedom to surf the Internet for" "pornography of your choice." "Not the porn!" "I'll risk it." "No yacht for you." "You are the one who quit the game." "You must have me mistaken for somebody else." "You were a great player." "Why do you quit?" "Why will you not play in the harmonious kickball tournament?" "What's it matter to you?" "My name is Ming." "I am Captain of the Wushung harmonious junior/senior kickball team." "Even before I was born, it was decided I would be a champion kickball player." "At 3 years old, I was taken to the national kickball training center outside of Beijing." "I trained every day and every night to be the best." "My grandfather says to control the ball, I must control myself." "But just me and the ball alone is not kickball." "Without a worthy opponent, I nothing." "We must have the ultimate contest to settle once and for all who is the best." "Like I said..." "You have me mistaken for somebody else." "I'll play, but I'm not interested in your ultimate contest." "It's just a simple game of kickball." "So, you decided to come fight for freedom?" "Well, you made the right choice." "All right, bring it in." "A few minutes ago, in a gross violation of my civil liberties, the I.N.S. Repossessed the five Dominican players from the junior squad of the Woodcrest harmonious kickball team." "We must immediately find a replacement for these players." "I'm now exploring the possibility of child soldiers from Sierra Leone, but they may not get here in..." "Huh?" "Say again?" "Affirmative -- we're on our way." "Come on, guys, that's us!" "Moving out, moving out!" "What's going on?" "I'm sorry, Mr. Wuncler -- p." "O.W. Rescue in Afghanistan." "Wait!" "Wait!" "[bleep] damn it!" "The P.O.W.!" "You are staying here and playing kickball!" "Well, team Captain, you've got two days to assemble a new team." "Team Captain?" "Yep, new team " " No problem, Mr. Wuncler." "We're on it!" "Who the [bleep] are you?" "I am Jigme!" "I come from Tibet!" "I want to defeat the Chinese oppressors in kickball!" "Why?" "I hate [bleep] Chinese!" "I'd like a word with you in private." "This team is pathetic." "They don't stand a chance against the Chinese -- not one single [bleep] damn shot in hell." "It'll be an embarrassment they'll never, ever live down for the rest of their miserable lives until they die." "You know what one of these balls can do to a human body?" "They'll get torn to pieces, ripped to shreds." "Some may even lose control of their bowels." "By the third inning, they'll be pissing and [bleep] on themselves right in front of their friends and loved ones." "It's gonna be flat-out [bleep]" "Terrible." "We must find some better athletes!" "This is what you got." "I want to say a few words to everybody here..." "About victory!" "Unfortunately, there's absolutely no time to train you people." "But I have bought each of you a brand-new pair of sneakers." "These shoes were handmade by the youngest Chinese sweatshop labor we could find." "Wear them with pride!" "I'm gonna be like, "take this, you yellow rat bastard!"" "KIA!" "Greetings, friends." "Forgive our intrusion." "We came to wish you luck in tomorrow's game." "I look forward to an unforgettable contest." "Give them their ball back." "Damn!" "43rd biannual Wushung/Woodcrest junior/senior harmonious kickball tournament." "Both teams are on the field, and already, there seems to be some type of trouble." "Seems like the owner of the Wushung team is accusing one of the Woodcrest players of being a ringer." "The rules say any player must be a resident of Wushung or Woodcrest." "He is absolutely a resident." "Here is his hot Caucasian wife and half-Asian baby." "And now the Woodcrest team is making a complaint." "Looks like the Wushung team has one too many adult members." "Everybody knows junior/senior tournament rules say the roster must have an equal number of kids and adults." "Bolo is strong and healthy, like many kids in China, but I assure you, he is only 12 years old." "Here is the official keeper of government records to verify that fact." "Looks like the ref is gonna let it slide." "Tough break for the home team." "Play kickball!" "Huey Freeman on the mound." "There is a lot of excitement about this young man's return to the sport of kickball." "Little Ming do steps up to the plate." "What a treat to see these two titans of the game face off against one another." "Let's go, Huey!" "Show 'em what's good, Huey!" "Huey looks absolutely determined out there, folks." "Oh!" "Hello!" "And goodbye!" "And that one is out of here." "Not a good start for Freeman." "You suck, Huey!" "You worthless [bleep]" "Next kicker is Lily Chang, a 73-year-old retired farm worker with diabetes." "Folks, she's experiencing complete kidney failure -- hasn't peed in three years." "This might just be the warm-up that Freeman needs." "And here's the pitch." "Oh, mother!" "What the hell do you call this?" "!" "I'm trying, all right?" "Get your [bleep] together!" "Kicker up!" "Huey's not having the best day of his life out here today, folks." "Let's see if he can get it together." "Strike!" "And strike!" "And another strike!" "Little Huey Freeman is getting that pitching arm warmed up now, folks, and that is two back-to-back strikeouts." "Bolo steps up to the plate." "We've been waiting for this matchup all day." "Holy cow!" "That's gonna leave a mark..." "In his pants." "Damn!" "Good job, boy." "This game is more important than you." "Someone get him some Demerol, and make sure it's the good stuff!" "In the kicker's box right now is Huey Freeman, the pride of Woodcrest." "Everybody's cheering for him." "Here we go." "He locks in on the ball." "It's coming." "He's got -- oh, you know what?" "A little bit girly, but it'll get the job done." "Next up is Riley Freeman." "Wait a minute." "Hold on." "What's this?" "Oh, my." "His first time at the plate, and he's calling a home run." "And Ming lets go with a fireball." "Riley's getting ready." "Strike!" "Strike two!" "Strike three!" "Good grief." "Tom's up." "He's getting a good stretch on." "We don't expect a whole lot of this Tom guy." "Apologizing here, folks." "Tom has really -- trying to get it relayed right back to Ming." "She locks in." "Tom is in midst of celebration." "He doesn't know..." "Oh, it looks like it's lights out for Tom." "Folks, Ming is really giving the crowd here quite a lesson in kickball today." "Mr. Freeman's up." "He's gonna give it all he's got." "And he does give it all he's got, which, frankly, just is not a lot -- quite anemic." "But Mr. Freeman better make it to first base as soon as he can." "Looks like he's just gonna take one of those "old people walking around the mall" leisurely strolls." "I'm out." "Yeah, I'm out." "Mm-hmm." "Oh, there he goes." "Lights out for the old man." "You're out!" "These folks are giving the Americans quite a schooling." "We got an easy out now!" "Oh!" "Looks like we don't have an easy out." "I don't know what's going on here, but this American team has lost its wheels." "Now he got hit." "Shoes!" "Nice tennis shoes, by the way -- probably made by tiny little hands in a Chinese factory." "Just what the hell do you think you're doing?" "!" "I paid you good money for this game!" "Eh, so did he." "If you're looking for an easy dessert..." "I'll take the Chinese money." "...Makers whipped cream -- the smooth..." "Listen, I don't care if the refs are cheating." "We cannot lose this game!" "The stakes are too high!" "Well, who bet the whole town on a kickball game?" "Okay, maybe it was a wrong decision to bet all of our economic futures on a kickball game, but we're Americans." "We don't quit just because we're wrong." "We just keep doing the wrong thing until it turns out right!" "This is stupid." "I'm going home." "What about them, Huey -- your teammates?" "You got them into this." "Now you're turning your back on them?" "We got to make those [bleep]" "Pay." "Come on, Huey, I don't want to play no more neither, but we can't go out like a bunch of little bitches." "Granddad?" "I'm trying to save my house and my big-titty porn." "It's up to you, Huey." "The sooner you stop holding back and decide to play like a winner, the sooner we can all go home." "Woodcrest really needs something special happening for them today, folks, because this Chinese team is really owning their ass!" "Now we're talking!" "That's the Huey Freeman this city has fallen in love with and feared slightly, too." "I got to admit that." "Folks, we got us a game all of a sudden here." "Aah!" "Folks, we're ready to get back into the action here, but there's no ref." "So, this is it." "This is your ultimate contest?" "In China, there is this place." "I've never seen it, but I know it exists." "It is called the glorious sports rehabilitation center." "But really it's a prison camp for athletes who have shamed their country by losing." "My grandfather told me if I disgrace him with failure, he will send me there." "I, too, dream of the day I can walk away from this game forever." "I am not as lucky as you to have that choice, to live in America." "Ming!" "Tragically, we've just received word that the ref strangled himself, jumped off a bridge, then overdosed on amphetamines." "Oh, send my condolences to his family." "But, fortunately, we've found a completely fair and impartial replacement." "Hey, there, chairman Mao!" "Open up your eyes, and let's play some jap baseball!" "Freeman on the mound." "And he must really be feeling the pressure right now." "Freeman gives up a base kick on what should've been an easy strikeout." "What is going on?" "Freeman is giving up several crucial base kicks." "And a brutal kick takes out the first-base runner." "Unh!" "Both y'all is out, or as they say in your language..." "Yellow nigga." "Un-be-lievable!" "We are looking at an altogether different type of kickball game here today." "Huey with an up-in-air move, and whoa!" "Wow!" "Take your base." "No?" "Well, dock this chink a day's pay for napping on the job." "Aah!" "Aah!" "Take your base!" "Oh, my God, I've never seen moves like this before." "This isn't kickball anymore." "It's a complete free-for-all." "Aah!" "And neither the coaches nor the referee seem to care." "Hold on, hold on." "Your money ain't worth [bleep]" "To me, so don't waste your cat-flavored breath." "Get on your ricksha and get out of here." "Unh!" "We're in the final inning." "The score is now tied 8 to 8." "Both teams down to a single player." "And years from now, people will ask of this game, "did it happen?"" "And I say to you now, "oh, yes." "Yes, it did."" "♪ Above the fruited plain ♪" "♪ America, America, God shed his grace on thee ♪" "♪ and crown thy good with brotherhood from sea to shining sea ♪" "Aaaaaaaaah!" "Aaaaaaaaaaah!" "Aaaaaaaaah!" "Unh!" "Wait a minute!" "I -- they have literally destroyed the ball, and those red balls are indestructible." "Wait!" "Wait!" "And look at the determination " " Ming trying to crawl to first base." "But what is this?" "!" "Freeman is on his feet." "He's going to tag her out with the smoldering remains of the ball!" "Uh..." "Unh!" "You out, little girl!" "Out!" "And Woodcrest wins!" "It's all over!" "Folks, what a moment in history!" "Oh, Ming, are you okay?" "A deal's a deal, Long." "Of course." "I am not saddened at my loss." "There are not many worthy opponents left, my old friend." "What fun would it be if the game were to end for good?" "Congratulations," "Mr. Wuncler, sir." "Your great white leadership made all the difference in the world." "Now, what should we do about them?" "My pancreas hurts." "Let them bask in the moment." "We beat those yellow [bleep]" "Mission accomplished." "Yeah, we ain't go out like no bitches." "Even though the people of" "Tibet are still not free, as symbolic victories go, this ain't bad." "I think Ms. Von Hausen might be dead." "Whew!" "Let's go home and order some" "Chinese." "Unless you're not"