"Captioning made possible by Warner bros." "Horse." "Noun." "Plural, horses." "Definition 1." "A male horse, a stallion or gelding." "Definition 2." "Any large solid-hoofed..." "Herb... herbi... herbo..." "Aw!" "Forget it!" "Some anthropological-type guys claim that prehistoric horses had larynx muscles in their throats." "Recent findings suggest that this gene actually had been passed down for generations." "Some primitive cultures believed that the equine was created in God's image... noble, mighty, brilliant, sublime!" "It was only after he finished perfecting his masterpiece known as horse that God turned his attention to the lesser animal." "Look at this guy." "Ha ha ha!" "O.K., honey." "Come on." "I don't know why we have to keep hiding like this." "Honey, your wife's been dead for two days!" "I know." "But the funeral." "The funeral doesn't start for a good hour." "Oh, son of a bitch!" "For God's sake!" "Buenos dias, señor." "I'm not here, Carlos." "Very sorry to hear about your wife." "Right, right." "Not now, for Christ's sake." "First it was your office, then it was the motel 8." "Why can't you take me by the ocean?" "I can't wait till we get married." "I don't know if I remember how to make love in a bed anymore." "Walter." "Huh?" "Walter." "That horse." "What about him?" "I don't know." "It's like he knows something." "Louise, come on." "Walter!" "Walter." "Walter!" "What?" "It's that horse!" "What about him, for Christ's sake?" "Can't we use blinders or something?" "All right." "Not me, the horse." "Hmm." "Next week... dog meat." "Hi, Carlos." "Your stepfather no here." "He's in stall 47." "Aah!" "Fred." "M-m-my mother just died!" "Think this is easy for me?" "Aah!" "Aah!" "Ha ha ha!" "Buy 10,000 shares of cromwell from Mrs. Bucktad." "But we just sold 10,000 shares to her." "We did?" "Oh, right, the commission." "Every time we buy or sell a stock, we make a commission." "Just buy the stock." "The old bitch is made of money." "She won't even notice." "Have you seen the moron?" "Fred?" "No." "Tell him I want to see him." "Yes, sir." "Allison." "Aah!" "Sorry." "Oh!" "It was my fault." "It doesn't matter." "Are you doing o.K.?" "Yeah." "Well, if there's anything that I can do..." "Just let me know." "I'm telling you, Jack, we never officially changed ownership of the damned business!" "I just found out she left her half to him!" "Well, wha... yes, reverend." "Yes." "God bless you, too, sir." "Oh, Freddy, this man..." "He makes it a little easier." "I'm sorry, Freddy." "Sit down." "You know, Fred, times like these I always felt people should be close to those they love." "Yeah, right." "Freddy, what do you think of me?" "Um..." "I..." "I..." "I don't want to be rude, but, uh, I think you're, like, the lowest scumbag on the face of the earth." "Mm-hmm." "But do you like me?" "Oh, that's not important." "Let me just come right to the point." "I have a copy of your mother's will." "You may or may not know this." "We kept half of the brokerage in her name for tax reasons." "Because her death was so sudden, we didn't have time to change the darn thing." "She's left all her assets... that's one horse and, uh..." "Half the brokerage... to you." "So that means half the firm is... is mine?" "Well, legally, yes." "That's why I think you're going to be a very happy young man." "I'm prepared to buy you out at what I think is an excellent price." "What if I don't want to sell it?" "Once again, you'd be stupid." "You take this offer." "Trust me on this." "There you go." "That's cash... mostly cash." "Hi, Fred." "Walter asked me to pack your things for you." "Every dog has his day, Sawyer." "Aah!" "Aah!" "O.K., so where's don?" "Straight ahead." "I could probably, like, sell this thoroughbred for a lot of cash, right?" "Señor chaney, this is don." "Is he sick?" "No." "He always looks like that." "He's all yours." "Buenos noches." "Thanks." "That Sawyer, the guy ain't..." "Ahh!" "He's such a..." "Dick." "Ha ha ha!" "Yeah." "Fred, we've got to talk." "Aah!" "Aah!" "Aah!" "Jesus!" "Don't scream like that." "Hello." "Listen, Sawyer!" "I know what you're trying to do, and it's not going to work!" "Fred, come over here." "Come on." "Come on." "Now, listen, Fred." "Now, Fred... aah!" "...talk!" "Aah!" "Would you calm down?" "Read my lips..." "we've got to talk." "There's an old truck parked out back." "I left the keys..." "Uh..." "Under the visor." "Let's get out of here." "This place smells!" "Oh, fresh air!" "Now, where was I?" "I speak human, giraffe, worm, toad, whale... humpback and sperm." "You might say" "I'm a four-legged Dr. Doolittle." "So, don, do all horses speak English?" "What, are you kidding?" "Look, all horses can understand English, but only the chosen can speak it." "What about, like, Mr. ed?" "Mr. ed!" "That's what I think." "Every word was dubbed!" "His lips were moving." "A stagehand was shoving a carrot up his butt!" "Mr. Ed." "Pffft!" "I guess you're curious about my childhood." "Not particularly." "Well, I was raised on a small farm." "Oh, I was restless." "Wild, I guess you could call it... like James Dean, except I slept standing up." "My old man and I never got along." "Finally, I just split." "A few weeks later I met gideon Cole." "Oh, he was a great blues singer." "He was a blind man." "You know, for a while, I had him convinced" "I was a short, hairy Italian boy from the Bronx." "Terrible, I know, but it's true." "Hey, gideon, my hoofs are killing me." "What the hell?" "God, that gideon!" "He had a terrific sense of rhythm, but a shitty sense of balance." "He used to stand on the edge of the boxcar." "One day the train made a sudden stop, he went flying off." "I guess he's riding that great freight train in the sky..." "Or spitting out dirt." "Ha ha ha ha ha!" "After that, I met up with your real father, Dave." "We were two of a kind." "¶ Since my baby left me ¶" "¶ I've found a new place to dwell ¶" "¶ huh!" "¶" "¶ down at the end of lonely street ¶" "¶ heartbreak hotel ¶" "¶ I get so lonely, baby ¶" "¶ I get so lonely ¶" "¶ baby, I get so lonely I could die ¶ aw, we loved the king." "You know, we saw blue Hawaii 12 times." "When he died, and your mother married Sawyer," "I stayed in the stable." "I haven't spoken to anybody in a long time." "I'm glad you came along, Fred." "You're a talking horse." "You could make a fortune." "Sure, you just get up in front of people and talk." "Ha!" "Go public, do the talk shows... letterman, donahue, Carson, Geraldo Rivera." "Oprah winfrey!" "It's not that easy, Freddy boy." "I wish it was." "The talking world can put an unbelievable amount of pressure on an animal, especially when you're a horse." "For example, take my brother Lou..." "Please." "Ha ha ha!" "You'll like Lou." "You've got a lot in common." "Oh!" "Oh!" "Oh, oh, oh!" "My proboscis!" "Doctor, this operation shall go down in history." "Psst, Fred, watch this." "Ha ha ha!" "Paging Mr. Horse," "Mr. Lou horse." "Paging Mr. Horse." "I'm Lou." "Jesus, Lou!" "Are you stupid!" "Hello, Lou." "Woo woo woooble woo!" "Certainly." "Good to see you, too." "Where's mom and pop?" "Look who's back." "Pop, this is my friend." "Is it male or female?" "I can't tell when they have clothes on." "It's a guy, pop." "His name is Fred." "We're having' a party!" "It's a pleasure meeting you, sir." "Hey, and this is my mom." "She doesn't talk, but she understands." "Ma, I can't ask him that!" "She wants to know what it's like to face somebody during sex." "Well, um..." "Since you're here, come in." "¶ Meow meow meow meow ¶" "¶ meow meow meow meow... ¶ he never writes, he never calls, now he brings home a human!" "You know how they are." "He probably wants something to eat." "Fred, listen to me." "Never have kids." "They'll break your friggin' heart." "Look what we ended up with..." "James Dean and the fourth stooge." "You know when I think Lou started to crack?" "When?" "When he saw the godfather." "You know, that scene..." "With the horse's head." "Yeah, that was his favorite actor." "Well, um, it was a pleasure meeting you, but, um..." "It's getting kind of late, and I've got to head back into town." "Good luck with Lou." "Goodbye, don." "What?" "Hey, Fred, wait up." "You think I was hard on him?" "What are you going to do with your half of the business, Fred?" "I guess I'll sell it to Sawyer." "Do you know anything about the stock market?" "Not much." "I used to work at the brokerage, but Sawyer kept me in the mail room." "Said I didn't have the right image." "It was depressing, so I quit." "You know what would burn that bozo's butt good?" "What?" "If you ran with your half of the business." "I couldn't do that." "I've listened to those brokers." "They don't know anything you don't know." "It would be fun to see the look on Sawyer's face if I became his partner." "Maybe that's why your mom left it to you." "Give it a shot." "Good." "We'll talk on the way home." "Home?" "I'll move in with you." "Uh-uh." "You can't live with me." "Why not?" "'Cause you're a horse." ""'Cause I'm a horse," is that what you said?" "I knew this would come up eventually." "You stay here with your family." "Take care of Lou." "Hey, you... you're all bigots!" "With your automobiles, pants, and your postal systems!" "¶ LA LA LA LA ¶" "I can't hear you." "¶ LA LA LA LA ¶ bye, don!" "Fred, Fred!" "Hello, Allison." "Ow!" "Decide to take my offer?" "No, I've decided to work." "Vern..." "Vernie, can I get back to you?" "O.K., pal." "What do you mean, work?" "Well, like, you know, you and me, we're partners." "I'm into this thing 50-50 with you." "That's going to be my office." "Right down the middle of the conference room, that'll be the dividing line." "So, if you need me, just, like, hoot." "You know, hoot!" "Freddy, what are you talking about?" "You want me to raise the buyout offer?" "No." "All right, you win." "I'll double the price." "That's fair enough." "Deal?" "I've got a lot of important business stuff to do." "Freddy, you can't be a broker." "Why not?" "Who in their right mind would give you their money?" "You'd be quite surprised." "I would be friggin' amazed." "I don't have time now." "If I need you, I'll call." "See you later, partner." "Hello." "This is the chairman of the board of Sawyer company." "I'd like to order some pizzas." "Get him out of here, Osborne." "I don't care what it takes." "Get him out of here, and I'll give you..." "Something." "¶ Da da da da ¶" "¶ de de de dede do ¶" "¶ da Willy nap jah ¶" "¶ haaa ¶ hello, baby." "Ha ha ha!" "The king is back in town." "Huh?" "Ted, where are you going?" "Be right back, sweet lips." "Got to make a quick call." "Well, make it fast." "Bob, it's Ted." "I can't find Sawyer." "If we don't tell him microcorp's making a takeover bid for ventura in the next hour, we'll lose lots of money." "Whoever buys ventura is going to clean up." "Hmm!" "Ted, I'm cold!" "O.K. Bye." "Sorry, sweetheart." "Something important came up." "Hmm..." "Be right back, toots." "Hey, what is this!" "Somebody locked the door!" "Ha ha ha!" "Hey!" "Somebody unlock this door!" "Your daughter..." "Hang on." "Hello, um, Fred p." "Chaney here." "How can I help you?" "Walter, listen carefully." "This isn't Walter." "Shut up, Walter!" "We don't have much time." "Microcorp is going to make a bid for ventura." "Ventura!" "Buy ventur..." "Denise!" "Get in here right away!" "Please!" "We need to buy something called ventura." "Sorry, my pet." "Now, where were we?" "What's he doing?" "He just dumped a big wad into ventura." "Ventura?" "What's it going for?" "Yesterday, it was a robust 21/2." "Today, Osborne!" "Yes, sir." "Wait a minute." "That's the company Ted was supposed to call about a takeover bid." "Ugh!" "28, sir." "281/2." "29." "Buy whatever you can get." "It's frozen." "Oh, Mr. Chaney!" "Yeah!" "Yeah!" "How did he know that?" "Sorry, he's in conference now." "Mr. Chaney's office." "Could you please hold?" "¶ Rock 'n' roll loudmouth ¶" "¶ chewing' my plaque ¶" "¶ choking' everyone now ¶" "¶ right behind my back ¶" "¶ do us all a favor, get yourself a spine ¶" "¶ everybody's chokin' on the police line ¶" "¶ uh-uh ¶" "¶ chew my boot ¶" "¶ spew the line ¶" "¶ ah-ah ¶ the owners were hesitant to rent to a single man your age." "I assured them you were dressed very nicely and your appearance was, uh..." "Shall we go in?" "Holy shit!" "I beg your pardon?" "Uh..." "Wow!" "Living room, dining room, kitchen." "I told them to leave the piano." "I didn't know how you felt, but I think it lends a certain je ne sais quoi." "Yeah!" "Um..." "Yeah!" "I think you'll get a kick out of this." "What is it, a little yard?" "It's an atrium." "Oh, an atrium." "Yeah, I had one of these in the last place I lived." "Aah!" "Um, umm..." "That's really tasteful." "It looks like a..." "a disco for ferns." "You must have a lot of job stress." "No." "I mean, nothing I can't handle." "Well, I'm sure you'll be very happy here." "Enjoy your new space." "Well, thank you for showing me my n-new space." "¶ Aaah ¶" "¶ haaah ¶" "¶ ughhh ¶" "¶ wop bop a loo bop ¶" "¶ ba lop bop bom ¶" "¶ tutti frutti, oh, rudi ¶" "¶ tutti frutti, oh, whooo ¶" "¶ tutti frutti, oh, rudi ¶" "¶ tutti frutti, oh, rudi ¶" "¶ tutti frutti, oh, rudi ¶" "¶ wop bop a loo bop ¶" "¶ ba lop bop bom ¶" "¶ I got a gal named sue ¶" "¶ she knows just what to do, woo ¶" "¶ got a gal named sue ¶" "¶ she knows just what to do ¶" "¶ she knows how to love me, yes, indeed ¶ hello." "Information?" "No, I just wanted to call you." "Guess where I'm calling from." "Yes, my car!" "Listen." "That was traffic." "¶ Oh, rudi ¶" "¶ tutti frutti, oh, rudi ¶" "¶ a wop bop a loo bop ¶" "¶ ba lop bop bom ¶" "¶ I got a gal named Daisy ¶" "¶ she almost drives me crazy ¶" "¶ got a gal named Daisy, she almost ¶ these babies sure have excellent speakers, huh?" "¶ Yes, indeed ¶" "¶ boy, you don't know what she do to me ¶" "¶ tutti frutti, oh, rudi ¶" "¶ tutti frutti, whooo ¶" "¶ tutti frutti, oh, rudi ¶" "¶ tutti frutti, oh, rudi ¶" "¶ tutti frutti, oh, rudi ¶" "¶ a wop bop a loo bop ¶" "¶ ba lop bam boom ¶ hey, boy wonder." "Got any hot tips for a coworker?" "Um, no, not today." "Although I was looking at the numbers on microdynamics, and they look quite promising." "Well, um..." "They just declared bankruptcy this morning." "Oh, yeah, that's what I thought." "I was wondering, like, if you weren't doing anything on Friday night, if you'd go to a movie with me?" "Say what?" "That's my bowling league night." "Hmm." "What's this?" ""New partner makes big waves."" "Hmm." "Well, well, Mr. Photogenic." "Fred, it's time I paid you a visit." "Ow." "Don!" "Ohh." "Are you the grim reaper?" "No, it's Fred!" "Oh, Fred, I'm coughing." "Listen." "I need a priest." "I'm getting a vet!" "No!" "No vets!" "Fred, before I pass on," "I want to tell you how happy I am that you've made it and you're rich and that you live in a big, beautiful, roomy, palatial... you better come upstairs and eat something." "Gee, Fred," "I wouldn't want to impose on you." "No!" "I insist." "Come on." "Boy, I really appreciate this, Fred." "I don't want to inconvenience you." "I don't want to be a burden." "By the way, can I have cable?" "Whoa!" "Padded elevator!" "Fred, you've really made it." "Makes me happy to know that I've helped." "What do you mean you helped?" "You remember, Fred." "That anonymous tip about the ventura takeover." "That was you?" "Walter, buy ventura!" "Buy ventura!" "I owe all this to a horse?" "Well, Fred, I wouldn't want you to feel obligated or anything, but, uh..." "You know." "Come on." "Wow!" "This place reminds me of the Vatican." "Shh!" "Animals aren't allowed in here." "O.K., Fred." "My lips are sealed." "Mr. Chaney?" "Hey!" "Watch the tail!" "Ahh!" "Was that a horse?" "No!" "My friends and myself, um, we're on our way to a costume party." "Rather authentic costume." "Well, they're real sticklers for details." "Right, fellas?" "Yes, Fred." "Yo, Fred." "Si, Fred." "Man, that was close!" "I'll go get you a beverage." "Yeah." "Something diet, please." "Hey, Fred!" "Nice digs you got here." "Very tasteful." "This will do just fine." "Only one thing is wrong." "What, outside of a horse being in here?" "It just doesn't look lived in." "It feels like there should be plastic covers on the chairs or something." "I like it just the way it is." "O.K., Fred." "You're the boss." "Yeah." "I am the boss!" "There's going to be a few rules." "Stay away from the windows and the doors!" "If that jerk sees you, boom!" "We're out of here!" "Two... these rugs, you know, they're brand-new." "No problem!" "No problem at all!" "I just hope you read a lot of newspapers." "Yeah, I almost got married." "I was living with this hot-blooded Arabian." "You lived with somebody?" "No way!" "Oh, I loved it, and I hated it." "What did you love about it?" "Everything." "Mm-hmm." "Mm-hmm." "What did you hate?" "Everything else." "So I wake up, I'm butt-naked!" "Everybody's looking at me." "That was the last time I ever drank Tequila!" "Ha ha ha!" "I hear you!" "No explosives!" "We can't risk closing off the nest." "Can we use gas?" "No." "It might poison the whole city!" "Ha ha ha!" "Ha ha ha!" "Classic!" "Classic!" "Fred, are you asleep?" "Uh-huh!" "Thanks for everything, Fred." "You're my kind of people." "I like you, too, don." "Good night, Fred." "¶ Hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm ¶ interests rates aren't going to go up any higher, so I'm staying out of the bond market." "What do you think?" "You really want to know what I think?" "I think you better get a bigger scooper." "Hey, wait a second." "Here's a good spot." "Mr. Chaney, please!" "It's just a horse!" "Yes, I know it's a horse!" "But why?" "Um, it's only for a couple days!" "He's like a family member." "Which side?" "Please, Mr. Chaney!" "¶ Da da da ¶ excuse me." "Excuse me." "Thank you very much." "Oh, that's very good." "Oh, sorry." "Very good." "Very good." "Huh!" "I don't want to go to school." "Hello." "Fred p." "Chaney." "Can I help you?" "Sorry to bother you, but business week called." "They wanted to talk to you." "They wanted to talk to me?" "Yeah." "They were offering 16 weeks for 12.98." "That's 25 cents off the newsstand price, so I grabbed it." "You called to tell me that?" "No." "I called because we're invited to a party on the seventh floor." "When are you coming home?" "I'm bored." "When I'm done with work." "Bye, don." "3rd floor... 4th floor... 5th floor... 6th floor... 7th floor..." "Single man!" "Aah!" "Just the man I was looking for." "For what?" "For what?" "Oh, you're so funny!" "Ha ha ha!" "I'm so glad you're here." "I've seen you in the building." "Have some dip." "Do you like anchovies?" "Mm!" "Aah!" "I love the eighties!" "A woman can walk a man home, too." "Won't you invite me in?" "No!" "Will you hate me in the morning?" "No." "I hate you right now!" "May I come in?" "Good night." "Thank you." "This is nice." "Look what you've done with this place." "Ooh!" "What a neat statue!" "This is beautiful!" "And so lifelike!" "Yeah." "It's like that even after I go swimming." "What?" "What did you say?" "I said, even after I go swimming, toots!" "Aah!" "Aah!" "Was it something I said?" "Aah!" "You pig!" "Say what?" "Sorry." "Hmm." "Thank you." "You saved me tonight." "Come on, pal." "She wasn't so bad." "Yes, she was bad!" "She reminds me of Catherine the great." "Fred, I got a hot tip for you." "Uh, coffee." "Coffee?" "Mm-hmm!" "Mm-hmm!" "Mm-hmm!" "Trust me." "What's he buying now?" "Coffee." "Coffee?" "Coffee hasn't done shit in 3 years." "How could he know about coffee?" "The white zone is for Fred p." "Chaney only." "Where does he get his information?" "He couldn't possibly find out himself." "Maybe you're underestimating him." "You're a clever girl, Allison." "Why don't you find out?" "Ha ha ha ha ha!" "Allison wants to go out with you?" "Yeah." "Can you blame her?" "Who's picking up the check?" "Would you please get over there?" "She'll be up here any minute." "Look at my teeth." "I hate my teeth." "They're kind of bucked." "Your teeth look fine, but you should use a waterpic." "Hey, Fred, look." "Oo ho ho ho ho!" "Yeah!" "I'm Elvis." "Elvis?" "Get over there, will you?" "I don't understand why you asked her up here." "I want her to see the place." "Yeah, you got this place for her benefit." "What do you mean?" "You're living here to impress people like her." "I like living here!" "You make me sick the way you're laying it on for her." "You shouldn't have to act like George Hamilton III." "People should like you just the way you are." "Thank you, Elvis." "And another thing..." "What's the deal with the ponytail?" "It's like you're doing an impression of me." "How about picking up your dirty underwear?" "And the toilet seat!" "Why can't you remember to put it down?" "Two of us live here now!" "Hi, Fred." "Hi!" "Mind if I come in?" "Yeah!" "I..." "I mean no." "Please, come in." "Yeah, I mean no." "Oh, please come in." "That's an... that's an atrium." "Pretty, huh?" "Kind of one of the selling points of the place." "It's... it's great!" "So, you like it?" "Uh-oh." "Yeah." "It's great." "It's just... you don't think it's too much?" "Uh, I would love to see the kitchen." "Uh, you know, jeez!" "Look what time it is!" "We should head to the restaurant." "Ah-choo!" "Uh-oh." "Woof!" "Woof!" "You have a dog?" "Y-yeah, yeah, um..." "I got to go powder my nose!" "I'll be right back, o.K.?" "Please?" "I'll be out in a moment!" "What are you doing?" "Fred?" "She's not buying the dog bit?" "Woof!" "Woof!" "Whoops!" "Fred?" "I'll be out in a minute!" "There's a horse in here!" "Uh, where?" "You know, if it's not cockroaches, it's palominos." "Fred, you're living with a horse." "Like, who doesn't?" "Woof!" "Woof!" "Woof!" "Woof!" "Ha ha ha ha!" "I'm sure he makes a great pet, but why don't you keep him in a stable?" "Uh, I like having him around." "He's kind of like my good luck charm." "Fred, everybody at work is trying to figure out where you're getting these big stock tips from." "Don." "Don." "The horse?" "Yeah." "He's, um..." "He's a genius." "My lingwenis is very, very good!" "It's Linguini." "Asalinguini?" "Ling-ui-ni." "Tastes a lot like spaghetti." "Penthouse." "The horse talks just like us." "I believe you." "I used to have an invisible friend." "No, I'm serious." "You'll see." "Talk, goddamn it!" "Please, don, say something." "Honestly, he really does talk." "Normally, I can't shut him up." "Hi, Allison." "It's a pleasure to meet you." "Fred is always talking about you." "Thanks for dinner, Fred." "I had a good time." "Penthouse." "It was strange, but I had a good time." "Could we do it again sometime?" "Ha ha ha!" "Woof!" "Woof!" "Did you hear that?" "Aah!" "Gee, whoa!" "Aah!" "How was your date, Romeo?" "Get any?" "It was just fine!" "Do you mind?" "This is my favorite movie." "I don't recall you being in it." "I can't believe I told her you talked." "She probably thinks I'm insane." "I don't like her." "She's phony." "She's got a terrible nose job." "That's her original nose." "You should see yourself with her." "You're pathetic." "Do you know what you are?" "You're jealous." "What?" "Ha!" "Don't make me laugh!" "You're jealous!" "I've never been jealous in my life!" "Come on, Fred, let's not fight." "Let's drive to the country." "Night, don!" "I wonder what mom's cooking for dinner." "That's pop." "Something's wrong!" "I'll be right back." "Don, it's about time you got here." "I'm dying, son." "Don't talk like that, pop." "A horse knows when his time is near." "There are signs." "Your tongue darkens, your eyes water, your mind goes." "Your tongue darkens." "Your balls shrink." "Easy, pop." "Easy." "Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey." "I had an Uncle named Lou." "Soitainly." "Son, before I die..." "You've got to promise me that you'll pass on your special gift..." "Of speech..." "To an heir." "Why me, pop?" "What about Lou?" "Yesterday, your mother caught Lou trying to mount a Volvo station wagon." "You're our only hope." "You don't understand." "I'm a loner, a rebel." "You're a bum!" "Don, you're the last of the chosen." "We need an heir." "Son, quit screwing around." "It's time you met the right girl, settle down, become a father." "Oh, promise me, boy." "O.K., pop, o.K." "I promise." "I promise." "Well, there he is, boys, top money-winning 4-year-old on the west coast." "Next month he's in the El Segundo stakes." "He'll beat any plug they put up." "Is this place ripe, or what?" "There's your partner's newest thoroughbred." "Yeah." "Wait here." "I got to go pay for your feed." "Check." "Must have cost a lot." "He did indeed, but he'll make it back... first with his legs of course, and then with his..." "Walter!" "Walter!" "She's wonderful." "I love her." "Are you happy, honey?" "Yes." "Then I'm happy." "That's my satin doll." "She's escorting the lord at the stakes." "Satin doll's a dressage horse" "I bought for Victoria." "Hmm." "Hmm!" "Va-va-va-voom!" "Whoa!" "Be still, my beating heart." "Je t'aime." "What a perfect form!" "Ooh!" "What legs!" "What a tail!" "Ooo!" "What a saddle!" "Check out the mane on that tomato!" "Whoo!" "Ya!" "Na-na-na-na-nan!" "Baby!" "Take it nice and easy." "Just be cool." "Whatever you do, don't show her your teeth." "I hope you don't think" "I'm coming on too strong for you, but what can I say?" "That's the kind of guy I am." "Walter, what's that horse doing with my satin doll?" "Freddy, get away from my horse, for God's sake!" "Sorry." "Come on, let's get outta here." "Maybe I'll see you later, huh?" "She was staring at my teeth!" "Hello, is this the samurai florist shop?" "Good." "I'd like to order flowers for a miss satin doll at the claremont Ridge riding club." "A lovely arrangement." "You wouldn't happen to have barley, would you?" "How about some clover?" "Huh?" "Petunias?" "I don't know." "I never tried any." "Roses are out of the question." "They'll get stuck in her teeth!" "Hello?" "Hello." "Oh, jeez!" "Fred, I've fallen in love." "What am I going to do?" "Be yourself." "If it's supposed to be, it'll be." "Did you read that on a bumper sticker?" "Work." "Hey, where you going?" "Aw, don't go." "Call in sick." "I don't want to be alone." "We can play charades!" "Sorry, don." "I've got to go to work." "Nuts!" "I was doing fine until she saw my teeth." "Delivery for a Mr. Don." "Delivery for Mr. Don." "Who?" "No don here." "It says a Mr. Don at this address, and this is as far as I go, ma'am." "O.K." "Thank you." "Gracias." "Aah!" "Whoa!" "Is anybody out there?" "I'm going to jump!" "Hmm!" "Fred, is that you?" "Thank God you're home." "Just a second." "Just a second." "Hold onto your horses." "Ha ha ha." "Huh?" "Hello, um, Denise?" "Yeah." "Uh-huh." "What did the index finish on?" "Ha ha!" "The guy looks like Willie Nelson." "That's hysterical!" "What?" "Oh, for crying out loud." "You can't come in here." "This isn't Noah's ark." "Hmm?" "What?" "No ducks!" "That is in the lease!" "No!" "No!" "No!" "Oh, jeez, o.K." "But remember, this isn't technically my apartment." "I share it with a human." "¶ Yeah ¶" "¶ kick it ¶ come on, I told you, there's no bones in there!" "Jeez!" "Hey!" "¶ Time for school and you don't want to go ¶" "¶ You ask your mama, please ¶" "¶ but she still says no ¶" "¶ you missed two classes and no homework ¶" "¶ but your teacher... ¶" "I don't think Fred's going to like this much." "¶ You've got to fight ¶" "¶ for your right ¶" "¶ to party ¶ thank you!" "¶ Your pop caught you smoking, man ¶" "¶ he says, no way ¶" "¶ that hypocrite smokes two packs a day ¶" "¶ man, livin' at home, it's such a drag ¶" "¶ yeah, your mama threw away your best porno mag ¶" "Fred!" "What are you doing here?" "This is an unbelievable coincidence." "They were looking for another horse named don." "Get out!" "¶ You've got to fight ¶" "¶ for your right ¶" "¶ to party ¶" "¶ Party ¶" "I can't believe you, don!" "Look at this place!" "How many times do I have to say I'm sorry?" "Hello." "Information?" "I'd like the number for the Los Angeles animal pound." "Mm-hmm." "Hmm." "I have never tasted anything like this." "You're eating?" "I'm calling the pound for you!" "Mmm!" "I can't help it." "Mmm!" "These oats are..." "Incredible!" "Must be something new." "Where did you get them?" "I picked them up on the way home!" "If I had any money, this is what I'd invest in." "Every animal is going to go crazy over this stuff." "This is better than Chinese food." "This won't leave you hungry, either." "Sorry, I have the wrong number!" "Fred, grab a bowl and dig in before it's all gone." "I'm telling you... indio oats!" "You won't regret it." "Yeah, indio oats." "Little company out of Bakersfield." "Uh-huh." "It's going to be bigger than..." "G.E.!" "Fred." "You want to go to lunch?" "Can't, babe." "I got a big deal cooking on the burner." "Uh-huh." "No." "Forget g.E.!" "It's a fad!" "I want indio oats!" "Uh-huh." "Buy indio oats!" "Indio oats!" "Buy it!" "Hot!" "Whoo!" "What is it, Osborne?" "He's selling everything and buying into indio oats." "What the hell is that?" "I'm going to be in the little broker's room." "Hello, Mr. Chaney's office." "Hmm." "Curious." "71/2." "8." "81/2." "Holy shit." "Maybe we should buy some of this crap." "Can't." "Fred's cornered the market." "Maybe we can get it someplace else." "Yeah." "Hello?" "Frank?" "Boyd Osborne here." "Hey, Boyd-o babe!" "There's a new company on the exchange called indio oats." "Oh, hey, you're not buying it, are you?" "I just got inside information that the f.D.A. Is going to freeze all sales..." "And launch a full investigation." "You're kidding?" "Animals are dropping like bricks after eating the stuff." "What a shame!" "Yeah." "Avoid that shit like the plague." "Thanks, Frank." "Owe you one." "Sigma chi." "Sigma chi." "Hubba, hubba, hubba!" "Indio oats, indeed!" "Testing." "Is this on?" "Ladies and gentlemen of wall street, it is both an honor and a privilege to receive the award of stockbroker of the year." "I'd like to thank each one of you, but I don't have enough time, so thank you." "Ow!" "I jammed his phone." "This is locked." "He'll never get out in time." "That's occupied, pomeroy." "Why don't you just use this one?" "This one, sir?" "¶ A wop bop a loo bop ¶" "¶ a lam bam boom ¶" "Mr. Chaney, you have an emergency call on 21." "Mr. Chaney, you have an emergency call on 21." "Hello." "Oats contaminated." "Took time to hit me." "What are you talking about?" "Those indio oats." "They're poison!" "Oh!" "If I hadn't taken 6 pounds of maalox," "I'd be pushing up petunias in poughkeepsie, permanently." "That means indio oats..." "They're worth squat." "This horrible face on the wall isn't helping." "This number is not working in this area code." "Don!" "Don!" "Hello!" "Hello!" "Let me out of here!" "Let me out!" "Let me out!" "Aah!" "Ah!" "Aah!" "Ah!" "Aah!" "Our father who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name." "Thy... ohh!" "Live by the sword, die by the sword." "Let's give him, oh, say, half an hour." "That should be the end of indio oats." "Ha ha ha!" "Could I show you the murcheson figures?" "Sure." "Help!" "Help!" "Aah!" "Aah!" "Ohh!" "Aah!" "Aah!" "Aah!" "Aah!" "Get away from me, you diseased, winged, rotten bird!" "Look at Freddy's oats." "How low can you go, indio oats?" "Open the window!" "Help!" "Help!" "Open the goddamn window!" "Hi, Mr. Chaney." "What are you doing out there?" "Open the window!" "Come back in here." "You could hurt yourself." "I brought you a tuna fish sandwich." "Sandwiches?" "Aah!" "Which do you want..." "rye or whole wheat?" "Open the goddamn window!" "What?" "Open the window!" "Rye or whole wheat?" "Rye!" "Rye!" "Open up the window!" "Really, Mr. Chaney!" "Open the window!" "Aah!" "Freddy?" "Problem?" "Little financial trouble?" "Maybe we should talk." "Soon." "Come on, Fred." "You haven't lost everything." "Hey, you still got me." "Stay on your side of the road!" "We could hit the road together, like those guys, the, uh..." "Swengi brothers." "I need some time alone, understand?" "Ha ha ha!" "Sure." "Sure." "No problem." "Fred, what do you think you'll need?" "A couple minutes?" "Good luck, Fred!" "You'll always be my best friend!" "Well, maybe not my absolute very best friend, but certainly in the top 10." "My 10th best friend." "15 would be the floor." "Big promotion." "New office, expense account, perks." "I found out the geek was sinking his money into this rinky-dink outfit that was about to go under." "Ha ha ha!" "Me and Sawyer didn't tell him about it." "We locked him in the bathroom while his stock was crashing!" "Yeah, well, that's business." "You little bastard." "Allison!" "Oh, Allison, what do you care?" "Well, here's to Freddy." "Good riddance." "Good riddance." "Son of a bitch." "You set him up." "Set who up?" "You and this ass-kissing idiot." "What's she talking about?" "I'm talking about Fred, about the way you sold him down the river." "Business is a tough world, Allison." "He's right." "You don't know how tough yet." "I quit." "Bad day at the office, dear?" "The pits." "I can't believe I'm talking to a horse." "There's nobody else here." "I feel terrible about Fred." "Well, you should." "Well, I'm sorry." "Listen up, curly." "Fred's a nice guy, and he likes you a lot." "What are we going to do?" "Help him restore his self-confidence." "How?" "He didn't have much before." "If we hypothetically enter a horse in the El Segundo stakes and that horse wins, then Fred will get a shitload load of money, and Sawyer will not get a shitload of money." "You see?" "Fred would get the shitload!" "That's a great idea, don." "But where do we find a thoroughbred?" "Ahem." "Here's the beauty of my plan." "You are looking at him." "Something funny?" "Sorry." "If I can pull this off, you both get rich." "I get satin doll." "You get a piece, I get a piece." "Whoa!" "Mm-mm!" "Happy ending!" "Don, I know you've got four legs, but... hey, I'll worry about the winning." "You worry about the driving." "And would you turn off this east Indian music?" "Don, you can't win a race!" "Why not?" "Give me one reason." "Well, look at you." "Give me another." "Ah, forget it." "I know I can't outrun those other horses." "That's the way a horse race is normally won." "No, no, no!" "Freddy, listen." "Horses have hang-ups, just like people." "Maybe I can psych them out." "Some are sensitive about their mothers." "Some have envy of... ahem..." "you know what." "Others have no self-esteem, just like someone else we know." "Yeah, real funny." "It's very simple, Fred." "We'll invade their psyches, analyze their subconscious, we'll use Freud and jung, and we stick it to them where the moon don't shine!" "Do you want a hamburger?" "No." "Do you want a people burger?" "Have you talked to Mickey about this?" "I like it if they know this, if they've got it at least a week ahead." "Wait a minute." "Hmm." "Didn't I see that nag on the front end of a milk truck... was it last Thursday?" "Last Friday." "Freddy, heard a stupid rumor you're entering a horse in the stakes." "It's not a rumor." "This the plug?" "Yeah, this is the horse." "You're kidding?" "What's his name?" "Don." "Don." "Just don." "Sounds like a plumber." "He doesn't need any pretentious names." "His breeding, it's in his legs." "Correct me if I'm wrong." "I don't think you have a snowball's chance in hell of finishing on that piece of shit." "Lick my nose." "We'll win this race." "Want to make a little bet?" "I got nothing to bet." "You can bet this turd." "I couldn't bet my tu... horse." "Chickenshit, huh?" "O.K., I'll bet this horse against what?" "What do you have to bet?" "Well, let's see, um..." "Can you break a 20?" "I'll bet my horse against your horse." "Hey, now, that's ridiculous." "Chickenshit?" "Who... who are you calling chickenshit?" "You." "You're a chickenshit chickenshit." "O.K., Freddy, I'll make the bet." "My horse against your horse." "All my horses against your horse!" "Sweetheart, you can't do that." "You think I'm chickenshit?" "That's a bet." "Including satin doll." "Including satin doll." "No!" "Not my satin doll!" "Darling, don't be a chickenshit." "You're on, Freddy." "Is he getting more obnoxious?" "Me and my big mouth." "What a revolting development this turned out to be." "Ah cha-cha-cha!" "Let me tell you something, mister." "I been riding horses all my life." "I'm the man to ride this damn horse." "Why do you say that, Mr. um..." "Mr. Snake." "One shot of this, he can win Indianapolis 500." "Uh-uh." "Uh-uh." "Eh!" "Uh-uh." "Uh-uh." "Marv?" "Marv?" "Marv!" "Great, Fred." "He's perfect." "Let me do the rest of the interviews, all right?" "What makes you the man to ride me..." "I mean, to ride don." "Ha ha ha!" "'Cause I know how to handle these animals." "Well, what do you mean, Mike?" "Well..." "You got to be..." "Tough on 'em." "You got to let 'em know who's..." "Boss." "Some people think horses are wonderful animals." "Let me tell you..." "They're the dumbest shits." "God ever put on the face of this earth!" "Hey, watch what you're saying, butthead." "What did you call me?" "Nothing!" "I called you a butthead, butthead." "What are you going to do, butthead?" "Come on, wimp, take a swing." "I dare you." "Aah!" "You got a really big mouth!" "Are you trying to get me killed?" "Who's next, Fred?" "That's it." "No one's next." "That was the last available jockey." "What?" "!" "What are we going to do now?" "I'll think of something." "Oh, no." "What am I going to do?" "I'll never win this thing." "God help me." "Quit sniveling." "Everything will be fine." "Well, that's easy for..." "is that you, lord?" "No, you stupid son of a bitch." "It's me." "Dad, is that you?" "Of course it's me." "So much for the glamour of reincarnation." "Dad, you're a horsefly." "Oh, I'm a horsefly!" "Oh, I didn't notice!" "That would explain the little wings, why I've been buzzing around piles of manure all day, and leaving little fly droppings wherever I go." "Thank you for solving that mystery, Sherlock." "Pop, I'm glad to see you." "I got a real problem." "I don't stand a chance of beating those horses." "Why not?" "They're all professional athletes." "I've always been more of a couch potato." "You can do it." "You're a horse, just like they are." "You all have hoofs." "You all have legs." "Oh, sure, but their legs work!" "Son, you have something they don't have... a big mouth." "You can win this race!" "You really think so?" "Absolutely." "You're absolutely right." "I can win this race." "Now, who's going to run this race?" "I am!" "Who's going to win it?" "I am!" "That's the spirit!" "No offense, but what's it like being a horsefly?" "It sucks." "We're just a short time away from the start of the 75th El Segundo stakes." "Lord Kensington is the 4-year-old champion, a favorite to win today's race." "In the next stall, the long shot, number 8." "This is don... don?" "Bill, is that right?" "Just..." "Don?" "Give me a break." "Just forget about him, o.K.?" "Yeah, right." "Right." "It's normal to be nervous." "Who's nervous?" "Breathe deeply." "In through the nose..." "Out through the mouth." "In through the nose..." "Ahem." "Whew!" "Uhh!" "He's got to be cheating." "Jack, you better use that whole can." "Uhh!" "What's this, some kind of joke?" "Uhh!" "Riders up!" "When you break through the gate, just try and stick to the rail." "O.K., um..." "Stick to the rail." "You riding that yourself?" "That's right." "That figures." "This ought to be good." "Well, old boy, by this time tomorrow, you ought to be dog meat." "Ha ha ha!" "You look good, Fred." "Thanks." "Wait a minute!" "This horse and me, we're going out there, and we're going to beat the odds." "'Cause I'm going to get you back for everything you ever did to me and my family." "Let me tell you something about the little guy." "You can only push him around until you back him in the corner." "Like the mighty Wolverine who gnaws his leg off if caught in a trap," "I'm going to start gnawing my leg off." "My name is no longer Fred p..." "What is my name?" "My name is." "Fred p." "Wolverine chaney, because justice is finally going to be done." "The little guy is finally going to whip your ass." "Aah!" "The track's the other way." "I got it." "Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen, this is your track announcer." "If he wins this race," "I'll syndicate him for millions." "...the 75th running of the El Segundo stakes." "Number 1 is heavy rains, from the long meadow farms, and ridden by ernestine esposito." "Number 2 is curiously, ridden by Dennis riday." "Let him take an early lead before you make your move." "Early lead?" "Make my move?" "We'll be lucky if we don't get lost." "Good luck, you guys." "Lord Kensington, from the Sawyer stable," "There he is!" "God, he's beautiful." "Honey, Jesus!" "...ridden by Shelly boyle." "Number 8, out of pepperidge farm, and ridden by Fred p." "Chaney, is..." "Don?" "Don?" "Don?" "Don?" "Don?" "The horses are at the post." "There you go." "Whoa!" "Whoa!" "Whoa, boy." "Ho, boy." "Whoa!" "Lord Kensington is delaying the start." "Come on, where's your big plan?" "I'm thinking." "Get off my back." "You know what I mean." "Number 7!" "Number 7, over here!" "Look into my eyes." "You look very tired to me, very sleepy..." "At the sound of the bell, you'll turn into a mushroom." "You are drifting into a deep, deep sleep." "Sorry." "Excuse me." "Sorry." "The horses are in the gate." "Here we go." "Uhh!" "The flag is up..." "There they go!" "Heavy rains breaks on top, followed by curiously, never too early, and lord Kensington, and trailing by four horses..." "Don." "Ohhh!" "Hey, look!" "I'm running!" "Pfft!" "Aah!" "Pfft!" "How are we doing?" "Are you blind?" "We're losing, come on!" "I got an idea." "How about we trade places and I ride you?" "Hey, Pablo's pride, wait up!" "Pablo's pride, the immigration people are here." "They're waiting at the finish line." "They're checking green cards." "Yeah. ¡immigracion!" "¡Immigracion!" "Greena carda!" "Ha ha ha!" "Greena carda!" "Ha ha ha!" "Ha ha!" "Yeahhhh!" "Pablo's pride has slowed." "Now he's turning around." "Pfft!" "Whoa!" "I'm warning you, Fred, stop kicking me!" "Hey, fellas, wait up!" "Wait up, will you?" "Move over." "Oh, boy!" "What a beautiful day for a race, huh?" "Whoo!" "I'm telling you, you guys are doing terrific out here." "Did you hear the news?" "The acme mucilage people are in the stands." "They're buying up all the winners." "Mucilage." "You know, glue." "This is easier than I thought." "Don't get cocky!" "Hey, Lindbergh, quit flapping your wings or we're going to take off." "Come on, don!" "Come on!" "Around the clubhouse turn, lord Kensington is coming up fast on the inside." "He's making his move." "...heavy rains, he's taken the lead." "And narrowing the gap is..." "Don." "I think I just ate some poop!" "Whip his ass, Mickey." "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can." "I thought I could, I thought I could," "I thought I could." "I thought I could." "I haven't run a mile since high school." "Ohh!" "I'm dying here." "Yeah, me, too." "Hey, get that piece of shit out of my way." "What did you say?" "You heard me... get that piece of shit out of my way." "That's not polite or even being a good sport." "When you say that I just wanna..." "Rip your goddamn arm off and feed it to that stupid horse!" "Now, get outta my way!" "Ha ha ha ha ha ha!" "That's tell him, Fred!" "Curiously is veering to the outside." "He's pulling off!" "Hey, heavy rains!" "Wait up!" "Here's a good one for you." "What do you get when you got 12 donkeys on your front lawn?" "Fertilizer." "Ha ha ha ha!" "Heavy rains is pulling up." "But wait a minute." "Here comes Pablo's pride in the wrong direction!" "Come on, you pygmy son of a bitch." "He's going to do it!" "Of course." "He's a champion." "Fred, I..." "I can't make it." "Talk to me like that old guy in rocky." "Do it for the American way of life." "You can do better than that." "O.K. Do this for your mom and dad." "Yeah, right." "For my mom and dad." "I told you!" "I don't believe it!" "Turning for home is lord Kensington, but making up ground rapidly is don!" "Don?" "Don?" "What's this?" "Into the home stretch, it's lord Kensington." "But here comes don!" "Woo woo woo woo!" "Do it for hot dogs!" "Do it for Mary Tyler Moore!" "This sentimental stuff just ain't working for me." "Do it for satin doll!" "Yeah!" "Yeah, right!" "Keep talking!" "You win this thing," "I'll have your teeth capped." "Cosmetically bonded?" "Like a TV anchorperson?" "Yeah!" "The whole 9 yards!" "Now, come on!" "Go!" "Yee hah!" "Ohhhh!" "Yes!" "Yes!" "Come on, baby, go." "What do you get when you have 20 donkeys on your lawn?" "He's going to do it!" "Come on!" "Move it, lord!" "Where do you think you're going with that refugee from a glue factory?" "Get that piece of road kill out of my way!" "Hey, Kensington, you can't win this race." "And you know why?" "Come on!" "Come on, baby." "Huh?" "Do you know why?" "Yes!" "You stupid animal!" "Do you know why?" "Come on, mama!" "I'll tell you why." "Because, uh..." "Because, uh..." "Because, uh..." "Do it!" "Come on!" "¶ Because of the wonderful things I've done ¶" "¶ da doodley doodley doo ¶ woo woo woo woo woo!" "Huh?" "Huh?" "Why, mother, I'm cured." "Knyuk knyuk." "Yes!" "I told you!" "Ladies and gentlemen, please hold all tickets." "We have a photo finish." "Let's get to the winner's circle." "We don't know if we won." "This is great!" "What's this?" "Those are the horse's front teeth." "What?" "Give me that." "Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention?" "The result of the 7th race of the El Segundo stakes has been declared official." "The winner, by an incisor, is don!" "Ohh!" "We won!" "We won!" "You lost the race!" "You lost our horses!" "You lost my satin doll!" "Shut up!" "Let me think!" "I bet a hundred bucks on don." "I just won 20 grand." "Congratulations, Osborne." "You're fired." "Fred, over here!" "Smile, please." "Smile." "How does it feel to win?" "Couple more, Fred." "Freddy!" "Freddy, boy!" "Fred, son!" "You did it!" "Congratulations!" "You're not going to hold me to that silly bet now, are you, pal?" "Partner?" "Son?" "I think I am..." "Dad!" "Happy trails, Walter." "Ha ha ha!" "Ha ha ha ha!" "Ohh!" "What awful breath!" "Must be the second worst smelling breath" "I've ever had in this office." "Oh, that's good." "I have horse saliva all over my hands." "Just keep the tongue still for a second." "What do you think of this, Mr. Horse?" "Oh, yeah!" "Yeah!" "Hey, thanks, doc!" "Now I'm perfect!" "Ha ha!" "O.K. No problem at all." "If there's any irritation, rinse with salt water and put on a compress." "I don't thi... bee a ba Dee a ba Dee that's all folks!" "Ha ha ha ha ha!" "Captioning made possible by Warner bros."