"fella I want to tell you about, fella by the name of Jeff Lebowski - at least that's the handle his parents gave him." "But he never had much use for it himself." "This Lebowski, he called himself the Dude." "Now, Dude, that's a name no one would self-apply where I come from." "There was a lot about the Dude that didn't make sense to me, and a lot about where he lived, likewise." "But then again, maybe that's why I found the place so darn interesting." "They call Los Angeles the City of Angels." "I didn't find it to be that exactly." "But there are some nice folks there." "'Course I can't say I seen London, and I never been to France, and I ain't never seen no queen in her damned undies." "But I'll tell you what, after seeing Los Angeles and this story I'm about to unfold, well, I guess I seen somethin' every bit as stupefyin' as you'd see in any other places, and in English, too." "So I can die with a smile on my face without feeling like the good Lord gypped me." "Now, this story I'm about to unfold took place back in the early 90s, about the time of our conflict with Saddam and the Iraqis." "I only mention it 'cause sometimes there's a man " "I won't say a hero, 'cause what's a hero?" "But sometimes there's a man - and I'm talking about the Dude here - sometimes there's a man..." "Well, he's the man for his time and place." "He fits right in there, and that's the Dude, in Los Angeles." "And even if he's a lazy man, and the Dude was most certainly that, quite possibly the laziest in Los Angeles county, which would place him high in the running for laziest worldwide." "But sometimes there's a man, sometimes... there's a man..." "Wow, lost my train of thought here." "But... ah, hell." "I done introduced him enough." "'This will not stand." "'This will not stand, this aggression against Kuwait.'" "Where's the money, Lebowski?" "I want that money, Lebowski." "Bunny says you're good for it." "Where's the money, Lebowski?" "Where's the money, Lebowski?" "Where's the fucking money, shithead?" "It's down there somewhere." "Let me take another look." "Don't fuck with us!" "Your wife owes money to Jackie Treehorn." "That means you owe money to Jackie Treehorn." "Ever thus to deadbeats, Lebowski." "Don't do that..." " Not on the rug, man." " See?" "See what happens, Lebowski?" "You see what happens?" "Nobody calls me Lebowski." "You got the wrong man." "I'm the Dude, man." "Your name's Lebowski, Lebowski." "Your wife is Bunny." "My... my wife... my wife, Bunny?" "Do you see a wedding ring?" "Does this place look like I'm married?" "The toilet seat's up, man." "What the fuck is this?" "0bviously, you're not a golfer." " Woo?" " Yeah?" "Isn't this guy supposed to be a millionaire?" "Fuck!" " Yeah, what do you think?" " He looks like a fucking loser." "Hey, at least I'm housebroken." "Fucking time wasted." "Thanks a lot, asshole." "I'm throwing rocks tonight." "Mark it, Dude." "This was a valued rug." "This was a..." "It really tied the room together." "So this was a valued..." " What tied the room together?" " My rug." " Were you listening, Donny?" " What?" "Were you listening to the Dude's story?" "I was bowling." "You have no frame of reference, like a child who wanders in..." "Walter, what's the point?" "There's no reason - here's my point, Dude   there's no reason..." " Yeah, what's your point?" " Huh?" " Walter, what is the point..." "We know who is at fault here." "What the fuck are you talking about?" "No, what the fuck are you..." "I'm not..." "We're talking about unchecked aggression here." " What is he talking about?" " My rug." "Forget it, you're out of your element." "The Chinaman who peed on my rug, I can't go give him a bill." "So what the fuck are you talking about?" "The Chinaman is not the issue here." "I'm talking about drawing a line in the sand." "Across this line, you do not..." "Also, Dude, "Chinaman" is not the preferred nomenclature." ""Asian-American," please." "This isn't a guy who built the railroads here..." " What the fuck..." " He peed on my rug." " He peed on the Dude's rug." " You're out of your element!" "Dude, the Chinaman is not the issue here." " So, who... who..." " Jeff Lebowski." "The other Jeffrey Lebowski, the millionaire." "That's fucking interesting, man." "That's fucking interesting." "Plus, he has the wealth and the resources... so there's no reason, no fucking reason why his wife should go out, owe money, and then they pee on your fucking rug!" " Am I wrong?" " No." " Am I wrong?" " But... 0K, then." "That rug really tied the room together, did it not?" " Fuckin' A!" " And he peed on it." "Donny, please." "I could find this fucking Lebowski guy." "His name is Lebowski?" "That's your name, Dude." "He should compensate me for the fucking rug." "His wife owes money, and they pee on my rug?" " They pee on your fucking rug." " They peed on my fucking rug." "That's right, Dude." "They peed on your fucking rug." "This is the study." "The various commendations..." "Jeffrey Lebowski." " Honorary degrees, etcetera." " Very impressive." "Oh, please feel free to inspect them." " Oh, I'm not really that..." " Oh, please, please." "That is the key to the city of Pasadena, which Mr Lebowski received in recognition of various civic..." "Oh, that's the Los Angeles" "Chamber of Commerce Business Achiever Award, which is... not necessarily given every year." "Hey, is this, uh, is this him with Nancy?" "Yes, indeed, that is Mr Lebowski with the First Lady..." "That's Lebowski on the left there?" "0f course." "Mr Lebowski on the left..." "He's a cripple... you know, a... handicapped guy?" "Mr Lebowski is disabled, yes." "This picture was taken when Mrs Reagan was First Lady of the nation." " Yes, yes." "Not of California." " Pope John." "He met privately with the president, but there was no time for a photo opportunity." " Nancy's pretty good." " Wonderful woman!" "These are..." "Those are Mr Lebowski's children, so to speak." "Different mothers?" "Racially, pretty cool." "They're not literally his children." "They're the Little Lebowski Urban Achievers, inner-city children of promise but without the means for a higher education." "Mr Lebowski is committed to sending them to college." "Excuse me." "Thank you, thank you." "Far out." "Think he's got room for one more?" "0ne, uh..." "Oh!" "You never went to college." "Please, don't touch that." "Yeah, I did, but I spent most of my time... occupying various administration buildings, smoking a lot of Thai stick, breaking into the R.0.T.C. And bowling." "To tell you the truth, I don't remember much." "0K, sir, you're a Lebowski, I'm a Lebowski, that's terrific." "But I'm very busy, as I imagine you are." "What can I do for you, sir?" "Well, sir, it's this rug I have, it really tied the room together..." "You told Brandt, he told me." "Where do I fit in?" "Well, they were looking for you, these guys." "I'll say it again." "You told Brandt on the phone, he told me." "I know what happened." "Yes?" "So you know that they were trying to piss on your rug?" "Did I urinate on your rug?" "Did you personally come and pee on my rug?" "Hello!" "Do you speak English?" "Parla usted ingles?" "I'll ask you again." "Did I urinate on your rug?" "No, like I said, Woo peed on my rug." "I want to understand this, sir." "Every time a rug is micturated upon in this city," "I have to compensate..." "Come on, man, I'm not trying to scam anybody here." "I..." "I was just..." "You're just looking for a handout like every other..." "Are you employed, Mr Lebowski?" "Wait, let me explain something to you." "I am not Mr Lebowski." "You're Mr Lebowski." "I'm the Dude." "So that's what you call me, you know, uh, that or, uh, his Dudeness, or Duder, or, you know, uh, el Duderino, if you're not into the whole brevity thing." " Are you employed, sir?" " Employed?" "You don't look for a job dressed like that on a weekday?" "Is this a..." "What day is this?" "Well, I do work, sir." "So if you don't mind..." "No, I do mind." "The Dude minds." "This will not stand, you know." "This aggression will not stand, man." " I mean, your wife owes..." " My wife is not the issue!" "I hope that my wife will learn to live on her ample allowance." "If not, that's her problem, not mine, just as the rug is your problem, just as every bum's lot in life is his own responsibility, regardless of who he chooses to blame." "I didn't blame anyone for the loss of my legs." "Some Chinaman took them from me in Korea." "But I went out and achieved anyway." "I cannot solve your problems, sir, only you can." " Oh, fuck it." " "Oh, fuck it."" "Yes, that's your answer to everything." "Tattoo it on your forehead." "Your revolution is over, Mr Lebowski!" "Condolences!" "The bums lost!" "My advice to you is to do what your parents did!" "Get a job, sir!" "The bums will always lose!" "Do you hear me, Lebowski?" "The bums..." "How was your meeting, Mr Lebowski?" "0K." "The old man told me to take any rug in the house." "Well, enjoy, and perhaps we'll see you again, Dude." "Sure, if I'm in the neighbourhood, you know, and, um..." "I need to use the john." "Blow on them." "Go ahead, blow." "You want me to blow on your toes?" "Uh-huh." "I can't blow that far." "Are you sure he won't mind?" "He doesn't care about anything." "He's a nihilist." "Oh, that must be exhausting." "You're not blowing." "He has to be getting along, Mrs Lebowski." "Oh, you're Bunny." "I'll suck your cock for $1,000." "Wonderful woman." "We're very fond of her." "Very free-spirited." "Brandt can't watch, or he has to pay 100." "That's marvellous." "I'm just gonna go find a cash machine." "Whoo!" "Slamming them tonight!" "You guys are dead in the water." "All right!" "Way to go, Donny!" "If you will it, it is no dream." "You're 20 minutes late, man." "What the fuck is that?" "Theodore Herzel." "The state of Israel." "If you will it, Dude, it is no dream." "The carrier." "What's in the fucking carrier?" "Oh, Cynthia's dog." "I think it's a Pomeranian." "I can't leave him, he eats the furniture." "I'm watching it while they're in Hawaii." " You brought it bowling?" " "Brought it bowling"?" "I didn't rent it shoes, I'm not buying it a beer, he's not taking your turn, Dude." "If my ex-wife asked me to take care of her dog while she and her boyfriend went to Honolulu," "I'd tell her to fuck herself." "Dude, you don't have an ex, and this is a fucking show dog with fucking papers." "You can't board it." "It gets upset." "Its hair falls out." "0ver the line!" "Sorry, you were over the line." "That's a foul." "Bullshit." "Mark it 8, Dude." "Excuse me, mark it zero." "Next frame." "Bullshit, Walter." "Mark it 8, Dude." "This is not 'Nam, this is bowling." "There are rules." "Hey, Walter, come on, it's Smokey." "His toe slipped over." "It's just a game." "It determines who enters the round-robin." "Am I wrong?" " Yeah, but..." " Am I wrong?" "Yeah, but I wasn't over." "Give me the marker, Dude." "I'm marking an 8." "Smokey, my friend, you're entering a world of pain." " Walter..." " You mark that frame an 8, you're entering a world of pain." " I'm not..." " A world of pain." "Look, Dude, this is your partner." "Has the world gone crazy?" "Am I the only one who cares about the rules?" "Mark it zero!" " They're calling the cops." " Mark it zero!" " Put the piece away." " Walter..." "You think I'm fucking around?" "Mark it zero!" "All right, it's fucking zero." "You happy, you crazy fuck?" "It's a league game, Smoke." "You can't do that, man." "These guys are like me." "They're pacifists." "Smokey was a conscientious objector." "I myself dabbled in pacifism, not in 'Nam, of course." "You know he's got emotional problems." "You mean, beyond pacifism?" "He's fragile, very fragile." "I did not know that." "Well, it's all water under the bridge, and we do enter the next round-robin." " Am I wrong?" " No, you're not wrong." " Am I wrong?" " No, you're just an asshole!" "0K." "We play Quintana and 0'Brien next week." "They should be pushovers." "Man, will you just..." "Just take it easy, man." "That's your answer for everything, Dude." "Look at our current situation with that camelfucker in Iraq." "Pacifism is not something to hide behind." "Just take it easy, man." "I'm perfectly calm, Dude." " Waving the fucking gun around?" " Calmer than you are." "Just take it easy!" "Calmer than you are." "'Dude, this is Smokey." "'I don't want to be a hard-on about this." "'I know it wasn't your fault, 'but Gilbert and I will submit this to the league 'and ask them to set aside the round, 'maybe forfeit it to us." "'So, like I say, you know, fair warning." "'Tell Walter." "I'm sorry.'" "'Mr Lebowski, this is Brandt at, uh, 'well, at Mr Lebowski's office." "'Please, call us when it's convenient.'" "'This is Bill Selliger of the Southern Cal Bowling League." "'I just got an informal report 'that a member of your team, a Walter Sobchak, 'drew a firearm during play." "'This contravenes a number of by-laws and article 27... '" " Dude." " Hey, Monty." "Dude, I..." "I finally got..." "the venue I wanted." "I'm performing my dance quintet, you know, my cycle, at Crane Jackson's Fountain Street Theatre on Tuesday night." "And, well, I'd love it if you came and gave me notes." "I'll be there, man." "Tomorrow's already the 10th." "Far out." "Oh." "Oh, all right, 0K." "Just slip the rent under my door." "'... serious infraction 'and examine your standing." "Thank you.'" "'Mr Lebowski, Brandt again." "'Please, call when you get in, and I'll send a limo." "'I hope you're not avoiding this call because of the rug, 'which, I assure you, is not a problem." "'We need your help, and, uh... 'well, we'd like to see you." "'Thank you." "It's Brandt.'" "We've had terrible news." "Mr Lebowski's in seclusion." "Mr Lebowski." "Funny..." "I can look back on a life of achievement, challenges met, competitors bested, obstacles overcome." "I've accomplished more than most men and without the use of my legs." "What..." "What makes a man, Mr Lebowski?" "Dude." "I..." "I don't know, sir." "Is it being prepared to do the right thing?" "Whatever the cost?" "Isn't that what makes a man?" "Sure, that and a pair of testicles." "You're joking." "But..." "Perhaps you're right." "You mind if I do a "J"?" "Bunny..." "Excuse me?" "Bunny Lebowski, she is the light of my life." "Are you surprised at my tears, sir?" "Fuckin' A." "Strong men also cry." "Strong men also cry." "I received this fax this morning." "As you can see, it is a ransom note." ""We have Bunnie."" "Sent by men who can't achieve on a level field of play." ""Gather one million dollars in unmarked, non-consecutive twenties."" " Weaklings!" " "Await instructions."" " Bums!" " "No funny stuff."" " Bummer." " Huh?" "This is a bummer, man." "That's, uh, that's a bummer." "Brandt will fill you in on the details." "Mr Lebowski will make you a generous offer to act as courier once we get instructions for the money." "Why me, man?" "He believes the culprits might be the people who, uh... soiled your rug, and you're in a unique position to confirm or disconfirm this." "He thinks the carpet-pissers did this?" "Well, Dude, we just don't know." "Fucking Quintana." "That creep can roll, man." "Yeah, but he's a pervert, Dude." "Yeah." "No." "He's a sex offender with a record." "He did six months for exposing himself to an 8-year-old." "When he moved to Hollywood, he had to go door-to-door to tell everyone he was a pederast." "What's a pederast, Walter?" "Shut the fuck up, Donny." " So..." "How much they give you?" " 20 grand, man." " And I get to keep the rug." " Just for making a hand-off?" "Yeah." "They gave Dude a beeper." " So whenever they call..." " What if it's during a game?" " If it's during league play..." " What's during league play?" "Life doesn't stop and start at your convenience," " you piece of shit." " What's wrong with Walter?" "I figure it's easy money." "It's harmless." " She probably did it herself." " What do you mean, Dude?" "Rug pee-ers didn't do this." "Look at it." "A young trophy wife marries this guy for his money." "She figures he isn't giving her enough." "You know, she owes money." " That fuckin'... bitch." " It's all goddamn fake, man." "It's like Lenin said." "You look for the person who will benefit," " and, uh, you know..." " I am the walrus?" "You know, you'll, uh..." " You know what I'm saying." " I am the walrus." "That fuckin' bitch!" " I am the walrus." " Shut the fuck up, Donny!" "V.I. Lenin." "Vladimir Ilyich Ulyanov!" "What the fuck is he talking about?" "Fucking exactly what happened." "That makes me sick." " What do you care, Walter?" " Those rich fucks." "This whole fuckin' thing." "I didn't watch my buddies die face-down in the mud so that this fucking strumpet, this fucking whore..." "I don't see any connection with Vietnam." "No literal connection." "Face it, there's no connection." "Your roll." " But my point is..." " Your roll." "Are you ready to be fucked?" "I see you roll your way into the semis." "Dios mio, man." "Liam and me, we're gonna fuck you up." "Yeah?" "Well... you know, that's just like, uh... your opinion, man." "Let me tell you something, pendejo, you pull any crazy shit with us, you flash a piece out on the lanes," "I'll take it and stick it up your ass and pull the fuckin' trigger till it goes click." " Jesus." " You said it, man." "Nobody fucks with the Jesus." "8-year-olds, Dude." "Ohh, man." "They called 80 minutes ago." "Take the money, drive north on the 405." "They will call you with instructions in 40 minutes." "0ne person only." "They were clear on that, or I'd go with you." " What happened to your jaw?" " Oh, nothin'." "Here's the money." "And the phone." "Please, Dude, follow their instructions." "All right." " Her life is in your hands." " Oh, man, don't say that." "Mr Lebowski asked me to repeat that." " Her life is in your hands." " Shit, man." "Her life is in your hands, Dude." "Report back to us as soon as it's done." "Where the fuck are you goin'?" "Take the ringer." "I'll drive." " What?" "The what?" " The ringer." "The ringer, Dude." " What the..." " Have they called?" " What the hell is this?" " My dirty undies, Dude." "Laundry." "The whites." "I'm sure there's a reason you brought your dirty undies." "The weight." "The ringer cannot look empty." "What the fuck are you thinking?" "You're right, Dude." "I got to thinking, why should we settle for a measly fuckin' 20 grand..." "We?" "You said you just wanted to come along." "Why should we settle for 20 grand when we can keep the entire million?" "Am I wrong?" "Yes, you're wrong." "This isn't a game, man." "It is a game." "You said so yourself." " She kidnapped herself." " I said I thought..." "Dude here." "'Who is this?" "'" "Dude the bagman." "Where do you want us to go?" " 'Us?" "'" " Shit!" "Yeah, you know, me and the driver." "I'm not handling the money, driving the car..." " 'Shut the fuck up!" "'" " Are you fucking this up?" "Who is that?" "That is the driver." "I told you..." " Shit!" " What the fuck's goin' on?" " Walter!" " What the fuck is goin' on?" "He hung up!" "You fucked it up!" "You fucked it up!" " Her life was in our hands." " Easy, Dude." "We're screwed now." "We don't get shit." "They're gonna kill her." "We're fucked, Walter." "Nothing is fucked, Dude." "You're being very unDude." "They'll call back." "She kidnapped..." "You see?" "Nothing's fucked here, Dude." "They're a bunch of fuckin' amateurs!" "Hey, will you shut the fuck up?" "Don't say peep while I'm doin' business here." "0K, Dude, have it your way." " But they're amateurs." " Fuck." " Dude." " '0K, we proceed, 'but only if there's no funny stuff.'" "Yeah, yeah." "'So no funny stuff, 0K?" "'" "Just tell me where the fuck to go." "That was the sign, man." "So all we gotta do is get her back." "No one can complain, and we keep the baksheesh." "Terrific, Walter, but how are we gonna get her back?" "That's the simple part, Dude." "We make the hand-off, I grab one, beat it out of him." " Huh?" " Yeah." "That's a great plan." "That's fucking ingenious, if I understand it correctly." "It's a Swiss fuckin' watch." "Yeah, the beauty of this is its simplicity." "If it gets complex, everything can go wrong." "If I learned one thing in 'Nam, it's..." " Dude." " 'You're coming to a bridge." "'When you cross the bridge, 'you throw the bag from the left window." "You're being watched.'" "Fuck!" "What'd he say?" "Where's the hand-off?" "There isn't one, we throw the money out of the car." "We throw the money out of the moving car!" "We can't do that." "That fucks up our plan." "Call 'em and explain it to them." "You're plan is so simple I'm sure they'll understand." "I'm throwin' the money, Walter." "We're not fuckin' around." "Bridge is comin' up." "Give me the ringer." "Fuck that." "I love ya, but you have to face the fact" " you're a goddamn moron." " No time to argue." " Hey, man." " The bridge." "Hey, Walter!" "Hey!" "Walter!" "There goes the ringer!" " What the fuck?" " Here, your wheel." "At 15 mph, I roll out, grab one and beat it out of him." " The Uzi." " Uzi?" " I'm not rolling out naked." " Walter, please!" "15, Dude." "This is it." "We have it!" "We have it!" "We have it!" "We... have it!" "Aw, fuck it, Dude." "Let's go bowling." "Etz chaim he, Dude, as the ex used to say." "What the fuck does that mean?" "What the fuck are we gonna tell Lebowski?" "Huh?" "Oh, him." "Uh..." "Well, what exactly is the problem?" "The problem is..." "What do you mean, what's the..." "There was no..." "We... we didn't, uh..." "They're gonna kill that poor woman." "The poor woman..." "That poor slut kidnapped herself." "You said so yourself." "I said I thought she kidnapped herself." " You're the one who's certain." " 100% certain." " They posted the next round." " Shut the fuck..." " When do we play?" " This Saturday." "Saturday?" "They have to reschedule." "What am I gonna tell Lebowski?" "I told that fuck at the league office..." " Who's in charge of scheduling?" " Burkhalter." "I told that kraut I don't roll on Shabbos." " He already posted it." " He can fuckin' unpost it!" "Who gives a shit?" "They're gonna kill that woman." "What am I gonna tell Lebowski?" "She'll get tired of her game and go back." " Why not on Saturday?" " I'm Shomer Shabbos." "What's that?" "What do I tell Lebowski?" "Saturday is Shabbos, the Jewish day of rest." "I don't work, I don't drive a car," "I don't handle money, I don't turn on the oven, and I sure as shit don't fucking roll!" "Sheesh." "Shomer Shabbos!" " Walter, how am I gonna..." " Shomer fucking Shabbos." " That's it!" "I'm outta here." " Come on, Dude." "Dude!" "Dude!" "Look, you just tell him..." "Tell him we made the drop and everything went..." " How'd it go?" " Went all right." "Walter, we didn't make the fuckin' hand-off." "They didn't get the fuckin' money!" "They're gonna..." "They're gonna kill that poor woman." "If you can't go by car, how do you get around on Shammos?" "Really, Dude, you surprise me." "They're not gonna do shit." "What can they do to her?" "They're amateurs, and meanwhile, who's sittin' on a million fucking dollars?" "Am I wrong?" "Who's got a million fuckin' dollars in our car?" "0ur car, Walter?" "What do they got?" "My dirty undies." "My fuckin' whites." "Say, Dude... where is your car?" "Who's got your undies?" " Where's your car, Dude?" " You don't know?" "It was parked in a handicap zone." "Perhaps they towed it." "You fuckin' know it's been stolen." "Well, certainly, that's a possibility, Dude." "Oh, fuck it." " Where you goin', Dude?" " I'm going home, Donny." " Phone's ringing, Dude." " Thank you, Donny." "Uh... yeah..." "Green... uh, some brown or... rust colouration." "Was there anything of value in the car?" "Oh." "Uh, yeah... a tape deck, some Creedence tapes, and there was a... uh..." "My briefcase." "In the briefcase?" "Uh, papers." "You know, just papers." "You know, my papers." "Business papers." "And what do you do, sir?" "I'm unemployed." "My rug was also stolen." "Your rug was in the car?" "No, here." "Separate incidents?" "'The Dude is not in... '" "Do you find them much, these stolen cars?" "Sometimes." " No hope for the tape deck." " 0r the Creedence." "Well, what about, uh..." "The briefcase?" "'Mr Lebowski, I'd like to see you." "'My name is Maude Lebowski." "I'm the one who took your rug.'" "Guess we can close the file on that one." "Elfranco, ayúdame abajo." "I'll be with you in a moment, Mr Lebowski." "Does the female form make you uncomfortable, Mr Lebowski?" "Is that what this is a picture of?" "In a sense, yes." "My art is strongly vaginal, which bothers some men." "The word itself makes some men uncomfortable." "Vagina." "Oh, yeah?" "They find it difficult to say, but without batting an eye, a man will refer to his dick or his rod or his... johnson." " Johnson?" " All right, Mr Lebowski." "Let's get down to cases." "My father agreed to let you have the rug, but it was a gift from me to my late mother, and not his to give." "Now..." "Your face." "As for this kidnapping..." "I know all about it, and that you acted as courier." "Let me tell you something." "It stinks to high heaven." "Right, but let me explain something about the rug." " Do you like sex, Mr Lebowski?" " Excuse me?" "Sex." "The physical act of love." "Coitus." "Do you like it?" "I was talking about my rug." " You're not interested in sex?" " You mean coitus?" "I like it." "It's a myth about feminists that we hate sex." "It can be a natural, zesty enterprise." "But some people - satyriasis in men, nymphomania in women - engage in it compulsively and without joy." " Oh, no." " Oh, yes, Mr Lebowski." "They cannot love in the true sense of the word." "0ur mutual acquaintance, Bunny, is one of these." "Listen, Maude, um, I'm sorry if your stepmother is a nympho, but what has that to do with, uh..." " Do you have any Kahlua?" " Take a look at this, sir." "Oh, I know that guy." "He's a nihilist." "Karl Hungus..." " 'Hi." " Hello." "Meine dispatcher says 'there's something wrong mit deine kabel." "'Come in." "I'm not sure exactly what's wrong." "'Zat's why they sent me." "I am an expert." "'The TV's in here.'" "You recognise her, of course." "'That's my friend." "She came over to use the shower.'" "The story is ludicrous." "'Meine name is Karl." "Ich bin expert.'" "'You're here to fix the cable.'" "You can imagine where it goes from here." " He fixes the cable?" " Don't be fatuous, Jeffrey." "Little matter that she pursues a career in pornography nor that she's been "banging" Jackie Treehorn, to use the parlance of our times." "But I am one of the two trustees of the Lebowski Foundation, the other being my father." "The Foundation takes youngsters..." "Shit, yeah, the achievers." "Little Lebowski Urban Achievers, yes." "I asked my father about his withdrawal of $1 million, and he told me about this abduction." "It is preposterous." "This compulsive fornicator is taking my father for the proverbial ride." " But my..." " I'm getting to your rug." "My father and I don't get along." "We don't approve of each other's lifestyles." "But I hardly wish to make his embezzlement a police matter." "I propose that you try to recover the money." "Well, I could do that." "If you do so, I will compensate you to the tune of 10% of the recovered sum." "A hundred thousand, yes, bones or clams or whatever you call them." "Yeah, but..." "what about my, uh..." "Your rug." "With that money you can buy any rug that doesn't have sentimental value for me." "I am sorry about that crack on the jaw." "Oh, that's fine." "That doesn't even, uh..." "Here's the number of a doctor who will look at it." "You'll receive no bill." "He's a good man." " That's thoughtful, but..." " Please see him." "He's a good man." "Oh, well... all right." "He says, "My wife's a pain." ""She's always bustin' my friggin' agates." ""My daughter's married to a loser bastard," ""and I got a rash so bad on my ass" ""I can't sit down." "But you know me, can't complain."" "Fuckin' A, man." "I got a rash, man." "Fuckin' A." "I gotta tell you, man, earlier in the day, I was feeling shitty, man." "Down in the dumps." "Lost a little money..." "Hey, you know what?" "Forget about it." "I can't be worried about that shit." "Life goes on, man." "Home, sweet home, Mr. L." "Look." "Who's your friend in the Volkswagen?" "Yeah, he followed us here." "When did he start foll..." "What the fuck?" "In the limo, you son of a bitch." "No arguing." "Careful, man." "There's a beverage here." "Start talking and talk fast, you lousy bum." "We've been trying to reach you, Dude." "Where's my goddamn money, you bum?" "W-well, we..." "I don't..." "They did not receive the money, you nitwit!" " Her life was in your hands!" " This is our concern, Dude." "No, man, nothing is fucked here." " Nothing is fucked?" " No, man." "The goddamn plane has crashed into the mountain!" "Come on, who are you gonna believe, those guys or..." "We dropped off the damn money." "We?" "I." "The royal we." "You know, the editorial." "I dropped off the money exactly as per..." "I've got certain information, all right?" "Certain things have come to light, and..." "Has it ever occurred to you that instead of, you know, running around, blaming me, given the nature of all this new shit, this could be a lot more..." "Complex?" "I mean, it might not be such a simple, uh... you know?" "What in God's name are you blathering about?" "I'll tell you what I'm blathering about." "I've got information." "New shit has come to light." "And, shit, man..." "She kidnapped herself." "Well, sure, man." "Look at it." "A young trophy wife, in the parlance of our times." "She owes money all over town, including to known pornographers." "And that's cool." "That's cool." "I'm saying she needs money, man." "And... and, you know, of course they're gonna say they didn't get it, because she wants more, man." "She's gotta feed the monkey." "I mean..." "Hasn't that ever occurred to you, man?" "Sir?" "No, Mr Lebowski, it had not occurred to me." "That had not occurred to us, Dude." "You guys aren't privy to all the new shit, so... you know." "But..." "Hey, that's what you pay me for." "Speaking of which, do you think that you could... give me my 20,000 in cash?" "My concern is... and I gotta check with my accountant... but this might bump me into a higher tax..." "Brandt..." "Give him the envelope." "Oh, if you've already got the cheque made out, that's cooliiOh" "We received this this morning." "Since you have failed to achieve, even in the modest task which was your charge, since you have stolen my money, since you have unrepentantly betrayed my trust..." "I have no choice but to tell these bums to do whatever is necessary to recover their money from you, Jeffrey Lebowski." "With Brandt as my witness, I will tell you this:" "Any further harm visited upon Bunny will be visited tenfold upon your head." "By God, sir, I will not abide another toe." "That wasn't her toe, Dude." " Whose toe was it, Walter?" " How the fuck should I know?" "Nothing about it indicates..." " The nail polish, Walter." " Fine, Dude." "You can get nail polish and apply it to someone else's toe." "Where the fuck are they gonna get..." "You want a toe?" "I can get you a toe." "Believe me, there are ways, Dude." "You don't wanna know about it." "I can get you a toe by 3 pm, with nail polish." "These fuckin' amateurs." "They send us a toe, we're supposed to shit ourselves with fear." "Jesus Christ!" "They're gonna kill her and then me." "Dude... that's..." "That's just the stress talking, man." "We have what appears to me to be a series of victimless crimes." " What about the toe?" " Forget about the fucking toe!" "Could you keep your voices down?" "This is a family restaurant." "Dear, for your information, the Supreme Court has rejected prior restraint!" "This is not a First Amendment thing." "If you don't calm down, you'll have to leave." "Lady, my buddies died face-down in the muck so we could enjoy this family restaurant!" " I'm outta here." " Dude, don't go away, man." "This affects all of us." "There are basic freedoms!" "I'm stayin'." "I'm finishing my coffee." "Enjoying my coffee." "'The Dude is not in." "'Leave a message after the beep." "Thanks, man.'" "'Mr Lebowski, this is duty officer Rolvaag of the LAPD." "'We've recovered your automobile." "'It can be claimed at... '" "Far out, man." "Far fucking out!" "Hey!" "This is a private residence, man." "Ah, nice marmot." "Vere is the money, Lebowski." "Ve vant the money, Lebowski." "You zink ve are kidding or making with the funny stuff?" "Things you haven't dreamed of, Lebowski." "Ve believes in nossing, Lebowski, nossing." "Ve come back and ve cut off your chonson." "Excuse me?" "I said we'll cut off your johnson!" "Just think about that, Lebowski." "Ja, your viggly penis, Lebowski." "Maybe we stomp on it and sqoosh it, Lebowski." "It was discovered last night" " lodged against an abutment." " Oh, man, lodged where?" "You're lucky she didn't get chopped, Mr Lebowski." "A joyride situation." "They abandon the vehicle once they hit the wall." "My fucking briefcase!" "Man, it's not here." "Shit!" "I saw the report." "Sorry." "You gotta get in on the other side." "The side-view was found on the road by the car." "You're lucky they left the tape deck, and the Creedence." "Aw, Jesus!" "What's that smell, man?" "Probably a vagrant slept in the car or just used it as a toilet." "Hey, man..." "Are you gonna find these guys, you know..." "I mean, you got any promising, uh, leads or..." "Leads?" "Yeah, sure." "I'll just check with the boys down at the crime lab." "They got four more detectives working on the case." "They got us working in shifts." "Leads?" "I hope the big Lebowski kills me before the Germans can cut my dick off." "That is just ridiculous, Dude." "No one'll cut your dick off." " Thank you." " Not if I have anything to say." " That makes me feel secure." " Dude." " It makes me feel warm inside." " Now, Dude." "This whole fuckin' thing." "I could be sitting here with just pee stains on my rug." " But, no, man, I gotta..." " Fucking Germans." "Nothing changes." "Fucking Nazis." "They were Nazis, Dude?" "Come on, Donny, they were threatening castration." " Are we gonna split hairs?" " No." " Am I wrong?" " Well, he..." "They were nihilists, man." "They kept saying they believed in nothing." "Nihilists." "Fuck me." "Say what you want about the tenets of national socialism, at least it's an ethos." "And also, let's not forget, Dude, that keeping wildlife, an amphibious rodent for, you know, domestic... within the city..." "That ain't legal either." " Are you a fucking park ranger?" " No, I'm just..." "Who gives a shit about the fucking marmot?" " We are sympathising, Dude." " Fuck sympathy." "I don't need your fucking sympathy." "I need my johnson." " What do you need that for?" " You've got to buck up!" "You cannot drag this negative energy into the tournament." "Fuck the tournament." "Fuck you, Walter." "Fuck the tournament?" "0K, Dude." "I can see you don't want to be cheered up." "Come on, Donny." "Let's go get us a lane." " Another Caucasian, Gary." " Right, Dude." "Friends like these, huh, Gary?" "That's right, Dude." "Do you have a good Sarsaparilla?" "Sioux City Sarsaparilla?" "Yeah." "That's a good one." "How you doin' there, Dude?" "Not too good, man." " 0ne of those days, huh?" " Yeah." "Well..." "A wiser fella than myself once said," ""Sometimes you eat the bar and..."" "Much obliged." ""And sometimes the bar, well..." ""he eats you."" "That some kind of Eastern thing?" "Far from it." "I like your style, Dude." "Hmm." "Well..." "I dig your style, too, man." "You got a whole cowboy thing going." "Thankee." " There's just one thing, Dude." " What's that?" "Do you have to use so many cuss words?" "What the fuck are you talking about?" "0K, Dude, have it your way." "Take her easy, Dude." "Yeah." "Thanks, man." "Call for you, Dude." "Hello?" "'Jeffrey, you have not gone to the doctor.'" "Uh, oh, yeah." "No... no, I haven't yet." "'I'd like to see you immediately.'" "Oh?" " So you're Lebowski." " Yeah." "Maude has told me all about you." "She'll be back in a minute." "Sit down." " Do you want a drink?" " Yeah, sure." "White Russian." "The bar's over there." " So what do you do, Lebowski?" " Who the fuck are you, man?" "Just a friend of Maudie's." "The friend with the cleft asshole?" "What do you do?" "Oh, nothing much." "Hello, Jeffrey." "Yeah, how are you?" "Listen, Maude," "I got to, uh... tender my resignation or whatever." "It looks like your mother really was kidnapped after all." "She most certainly was not." "Hey, man, why don't you fucking... listen occasionally?" "You might learn something." " Now, I got..." " Don't call her my mother." "She's the perpetrator and not the victim." "I got pretty definitive evidence..." " From who?" " From the main guy, Uli." "Uli Kunkel?" "Her co-star in the beaver picture?" "Beaver?" "You mean vagina..." "I mean, you know the guy?" "I might have introduced them for all I know." "Do you remember Uli?" "He's a musician." "Used to have a group, Autobahn." "They released one album in the late 70s." "Their music is sort of a... technopop." "So he's pretending to be the abductor?" " Well, yeah." " Look, Jeffrey, you don't kidnap someone you're acquainted with." "The idea is that the hostage can't identify you" " after you've let them go." " I know that." "What the fuck is with this guy?" "Who is he?" "Knox Harrington." "The video artist." " So Uli has the money?" " Well..." "No, not exactly..." "This is a very complicated case, Maude." "A lot of ins and outs and what-have-yous..." "A lot of strands to keep in my head." "A lot of strands in old Duder's head." "Then who has the money?" "It's Sandra, about the Biennale." "I have to take this." "Do you have that doctor's number?" " It's not bruised any more." " Please, Jeffrey," "I don't want to be responsible for any delayed after-effects." "After-effects?" "Could you slide your shorts down, Mr Lebowski, please?" "No, man." "She hit me right here." "I understand." "Could you slide your shorts down, please?" "He lives in North Hollywood, on Radford, near the In 'n' Out Burger." "The In 'n' Out Burger's on Camrose." " Near it." " Those are good burgers." "Shut the fuck up, Donny." "The kid's in ninth grade, and his father..." "Are you ready for this?" "His father is Arthur Digby Sellers." "Who the fuck is that?" "Who the fuck is Arthur Digby Sellers?" "Ever heard of a show called "Branded"?" ""All but one man died there at Bitter Creek"?" "I know the fucking show." "So what?" "Fucking Arthur Digby Sellers wrote 156 episodes, Dude." "The bulk of the series." " Not exactly a lightweight." " No." "And yet his son is a fucking dunce." "We'll go there after the what-have-you, we'll brace the kid." "We'll be near the In 'n' Out Burger." "Shut the fuck up, Donny!" "We'll brace the kid." "He should be a pushover." "We'll get that fucking $1 million back..." "If he hasn't spent it already." "A million fucking clams." " Yes, we'll be near the, uh..." " In 'n' Out." "Some burgers, some beers, a few laughs." "0ur fucking troubles are over, Dude." "Oh, fuck me, man!" "That kid's already spent all the money, man!" "New 'vette?" "Hardly, Dude." "I'd say he still has 960, $970,000 left, depending on the options." "Wait in the car, Donny." " Yes?" " Pilar?" "My name is Walter Sobchak." "This is my associate Jeffrey Lebowski." "We came to talk about little Larry." "May we come in?" " Yes, yes." " Thank you." "That's him, Dude." "And a good day to you, sir!" "Sit down, please." "Larry, sweetie, that man is here!" "Is he..." "Does he still write?" "Oh, no, no." "He has health problems." "Sir, I just want to say that we're both, on a personal level, really enormous fans." ""Branded", especially the early episodes, was truly a source of inspiration..." "Sweetie, sit down!" "This is the police." "Oh, no, ma'am, we are not exactly the police." "We hope it won't be necessary to call the police." "But that's up to little Larry here." "Isn't it, Larry?" "Is this your homework, Larry?" " Is this your homework?" " Look, man..." "Dude, please." "Is this your homework, Larry?" "Just ask him about the car." " Is this your homework, Larry?" " Is that your car out front?" " Is this your homework, Larry?" " We know it's his homework!" "Where's the fucking money?" "Look, Larry..." "Have you heard of Vietnam?" "You're entering a world of pain, son." "We know that you stole the car." " And the fucking money!" " And the fucking money." "We know that this is your homework." " We'll cut your dick off." " You're killing your father." "All right." "This is pointless." "0K?" "It's time for plan B." "You might want to watch out that front window, Larry." "Son, this is what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass!" "Little language problem here." "The little prick's stonewalling me." "Walter!" "What... what are you doing, man?" "What are you doing?" "Here you go, Larry." "You see what happens?" "You see what happens, Larry?" "This is what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass, Larry!" "This is what happens, Larry!" "You see what happens, Larry, when you fuck a stranger in the ass?" "This is what happens." "You see what happens, Larry?" "You see what happens, Larry?" "Do you see what happens, Larry, when you fuck a stranger in the ass?" "This is what happens, Larry!" "This is what happens, Larry!" " No!" " This is what happens, Larry!" "This is what happens when you fuck a stranger..." "What the fuck are you doing?" "Stop it!" "I just bought that fucking car last week!" "I'm gonna fuckin' kill you!" "I just bought the fucking car last week!" "I'll kill your fucking car, man!" "No!" "That's not his... hey!" " God damn it!" " No!" "Oh, no!" "Fuck you!" "You like that?" "Fuck you!" "I kill your fucking car!" "I kill your fucking car!" "I accept your apology." "No." "I just... want to handle it by myself from now on." "No, no, no." "That has nothing to do with it." "Yes, the car made it home." "You're calling me at home." "No, Walter, it did not look like Larry was about to crack." "Well, that's your perception." "You know, Walter, you're right." "There is an unspoken message here." "It's "Fuck you"!" "Leave me the fuck alone!" "Yeah, I'll be at practice." "Pin your diapers on." "Jackie Treehorn wants to see you." "Jackie Treehorn knows which Lebowski you are." "Jackie Treehorn wants to see the deadbeat Lebowski." "You're not dealing with morons." "Hello, Dude." "Thanks for coming." "I'm Jackie Treehorn." "This is quite a pad you got here, man." "Completely unspoiled." " What's your drink, Dude?" " White Russian." "Thanks." "White Russian." "How's the smut business, Jackie?" "I wouldn't know, Dude." "I deal in publishing, entertainment, political advocacy." " Oh." "Which one's "Logjammin'"?" " Yes, regrettably, it's true." "Standards have fallen in adult entertainment." "It's video, Dude." "Now that we're competing with amateurs, we can't afford to invest in extras, like story, production value, feelings." "You know, people forget that the brain is the biggest erogenous zone." "0n you maybe." "You have to take the good with the bad." "New technology permits us to do exciting things in interactive erotic software." "Wave of the future, Dude." "100% electronic." "Well..." "I still jerk off manually." "0f course you do." "I can see you're anxious for me to get to the point." "Well, here it is, Dude." "Where's Bunny?" " I thought you might know that." " Why would I?" "She ran off to get away from that sizeable debt to me." "She didn't run off." "She's been..." "I've heard that story." "I know you're mixed up in this, Dude." "I don't care what you're trying to get from the husband." "That's your business." "All I'm saying is..." " I want mine." " Yeah, right, man." "There are a lot of..." "facets to this, a lot of interested parties." "Excuse me." "Yeah?" "Oh, yeah." "Where's that?" "All right." "Excuse me." " Forgive me." " No problemo, man." "So, uh..." "If I, uh, can find your money..." "What's in it for the Dude?" "0f course, there's that to discuss." "Refill?" "The Pope shit in the woods?" "10% finder's fee." "That all right?" "0K." "Done, Jackie." "I dig the way you do business, man." "Your money is being held by a kid named Larry Sellers." "He lives in North Hollywood, on Radford, uh... by the In 'n' Out Burger." "A fuckin' brat, but I'm sure you can get it off him." "I mean, he's 15." "Flunking social studies." "So, if you could just, uh... write me a cheque for my 10% of half a million... five grand..." "I'll go out and mingle." "You mix a hell of a Caucasian, Jackie." "A 15-year-old kid." "Is this some sort of a joke?" "No, no joke." "No funny stuff, Jackie." "The kid's got it." "Hi, fellas." "The kid just wanted a car." "All the Dude ever wanted was his rug back." "I'm not greedy." "It really... tied the room together." "Darkness washed over the Dude." "Darker than a black steer's tookus on a moonless prairie night." "There was no bottom." "Branded!" "Is this your only I. D?" "I know my rights, man." " You don't know shit, Lebowski." " I want a fucking lawyer, man." "I want..." "Bill Kunstler, man... or Ron Coobie." "Mr Treehorn tells us that he had to eject you from his garden party, that you were drunk and abusive." "Mr Treehorn treats objects like women, man." "Mr Treehorn draws a lot of water in this town." "You don't draw shit, Lebowski." "We got a nice quiet little beach community here, and I aim to keep it nice and quiet." "So let me make something plain." "I don't like you sucking around, bothering our citizens, Lebowski." "I don't like your jerk-off name," "I don't like your jerk-off face," "I don't like your jerk-off behaviour, and I don't like you..." "Jerk-off." "Do I make myself clear?" "I'm sorry." "I wasn't listening." "Fucking fascist!" "Stay out of Malibu, Lebowski!" "Stay out of Malibu, deadbeat!" "Keep your ugly goldbricking ass out of my beach community." "Jesus..." "Man, could you change the channel." "If you don't like my music, get your own fucking cab!" "I'll pull over and kick your ass out." "I had a rough night, and I hate the fucking Eagles." "Out of my fucking cab!" "Out!" "Get..." "Hey... man!" "Man, hey!" "Oh..." "Jesus." "Jeffrey." "Maude?" "Love me." "Uh, that's my robe." "Tell me about yourself, Jeffrey." "Well, not much to tell." "I, um, I was one of the authors of the Port Huron statement." "The original Port Huron statement." "Not the compromised second draft." "Uh, and then I, uh, you ever hear of the Seattle 7?" "That was me." "And, um, the six other guys." "Um... and then, ah, music business briefly." " Yeah, a roadie for Metallica." " Oh." " "Speed of Sound" tour." " Mm-hmm." "Bunch of assholes." "Uh, and then, you know, a little of this, a little of that." "My career's slowed down a little lately." "What do you do for recreation?" "Oh, the usual." "Bowl, drive around." "The occasional acid flashback." "What happened to your house?" "Oh, Jackie Treehorn trashed the place." "He thought I had your father's money." "He got me out of the way while he looked for it." " Cocktail?" " No, thanks." "It's not my father's money." "It's the Foundation's." "Why did he think you have it?" "And who does?" "Larry Sellers, this high school kid." "Real fucking brat." "You know, this is a very complicated case, Maude." "Lotta ins, lotta outs." "You know, fortunately," "I'm adhering to a pretty strict... drug regiment to keep my mind, you know, uh, limber, you know." "Very close to your father's money." "It's the Foundation's money." "Father doesn't have any." "What are you talking about?" "He's loaded." "No, no, the wealth was all mother's." "No, he runs stuff, uh..." "We did let him run a company, but he didn't do very well." " No, he's..." " He administers the charities, and I give him a reasonable allowance." "He has no money of his own." "I know how he presents himself." "Father's weakness is vanity." " Hence, the slut." " Uh, do you think he, uh..." "What is that, yoga?" "It increases the chances of conception." " Increases?" " Well, yes." "What did you think this was about?" "Fun and games?" "I want a child." "0K, yeah, 0K, but let me..." "Let me explain something about the Dude." "Look, Jeffrey, I don't want a partner." "I don't want the father to be someone I have to see, or who has any interest in raising the child himself." "Oh, so that doctor..." "Exactly." "Now, what happened to your face?" "Did Jackie Treehorn do that as well?" "No, uh, it was the Chief of Police of Malibu." "A real reactionary." "So, your father..." " Yeah, I get it." "Yeah, yeah." " What?" "Oh, man, my thinking about this case had become very uptight." "Yeah, your father." "Jeffrey, what are you talking about?" "Jeffrey!" "Walter, if you're there, pick up the fucking phone." "Come on." "Pick it up, man, this is an emergency." "'Dude?" "'" "I'm at my place." "I need you to come and pick me up." "'I can't drive, Dude, it's Erev Shabbos.'" " What?" " 'Erev Shabbos.'" " 'I can't drive.'" " Man!" "'I'm not supposed to pick up the phone" " 'unless it's an emergency.'" " This is a fucking emergency!" "'That's why I picked up the phone.'" "Walter, you fuck, we gotta go to Pasadena." "Pick me up or I'm off the bowling team." "Get out of that fucking car, man." "Get out of that fucking car!" "Get the fuck out of the car, man." "Get out of the fucking..." "Who the fuck are you, man?" "Easy, man." "Relax, man." "No physical harm intended." "Who the fuck are you?" "Why are you following me around?" "Come on, fuckhead." "Relax, man." "I'm a brother Seamus." "Brother Seamus?" "Like an Irish monk?" "What the fuck are you talking about?" "My name is Da Fino." "I'm a private snoop, like you, man." " What?" " A dick, man." "Let me tell you something." "I dig your work." "Playing one side against the other." "In bed with everybody." "Fabulous stuff." "I'm not!" "Fuck it." "Just stay away from my lady friend." "I'm not messing with your special lady." "She's not my special lady." "I'm just helping her conceive." " I'm not..." " Who are you working for?" "Lebowski?" "Jackie Treehorn?" "The Knutsens." "The... who the fuck are the Knutsens?" "The Knutsens." "It's a wandering-daughter job." "Bunny Lebowski, man." "Her real name is Fawn Knutsen." "Her parents want her back." "Jesus fucking Christ." "Crazy, huh?" "Ran away about a year ago." "The Knutsens told me to show her this when I found her." "It's the family farm outside of Moorhead, Minnesota." "They think it'll make her homesick." "How are you gonna keep 'em down once they've seen Karl Hungus?" " She's been kidnapped, Da Fino." " Oh, man." "Maybe not, but she's not around." "Hey, maybe you and me could pool our resources." "Trade information." "Professional courtesy." "Compeers, you know what I mean?" "Yeah, yeah, I get it." "Fuck off, Da Fino." "And stay away from my special... from my fucking lady friend, man." "Ze lingonberry pancakes." "Lingonberry pancakes." "Sree pigs in blanket." "She has lingonberry pancakes." "We totally fucked it up, man." "We fucked up his payoff, we pissed off the kidnappers, and Lebowski, he yelled at me but he didn't do anything, huh?" "Well, sometimes it's a cathartic..." "If he knows I'm a fuck-up, why does he ask me to get his wife back?" "Because he doesn't want her back." "He's had enough." "He no longer digs her." "But then, why doesn't he give a shit about his million bucks?" "I mean, he knows we never handed off his briefcase, but he never asked for it back." "The million bucks was never in the briefcase." "The briefcase was fucking empty, man." "The asshole was hoping that they would kill her." "You threw out a ringer for a ringer." "How does this add up to an emergency?" "Huh?" "I see what you're getting at, Dude, he kept the money." "My point is... here we are, it's Shabbos, which I'm allowed to break only if it's a matter of life or death." "Come off it." "You're not even fucking Jewish." "What the fuck are you talking about?" "You're fucking Polish-Catholic." "I converted when I married Cynthia." "Come on." " Yeah, yeah." " You know this." "Five years ago, you were divorced." "So when you get divorced, you return your library card?" "You get a new licence?" "You stop being Jewish?" " This is the driveway." " I'm Jewish as fucking Tevyé." "Man, it's all a part of your sick Cynthia thing." "Taking care of her fucking dog." "Going to her fucking synagogue." "You're living in the past." "3,000 years of beautiful tradition from Moses to Sandy Koufax, damn right I'm living in the fucking past!" "I..." "Jesus." "What the hell happened?" "Where was she, man?" "Visiting friends in Palm Springs." "She just left." "Never bothered to tell us." "I guess the nihilist knew where she was." "She never even kidnapped herself." " Who is this gentleman, Dude?" " Who am I?" "A fucking veteran." "You shouldn't go in, Dude." "He's very angry." "So, man..." "So, she's back, no thanks to you." " Where's the fucking money?" " A million bucks from fucking needy little urban achievers!" "You are scum!" " Who the hell is he?" " Who am I?" "I'm the guy that's gonna kick your goldbricking ass!" "The briefcase was empty." "You kept the money for yourself." "You have your story, I have mine." "I entrusted the money to you, and you stole it." "As if we would ever take your bullshit money!" "You thought Bunny had been kidnapped, and you were glad." "You could make some money disappear." "You needed was a sap to pin it on." "You just met me." "You... human paraquat!" "You figured, "Oh, here's a loser."" "Somebody the square community won't give a shit about." " Well, aren't you?" " Well, yeah, but..." "Get out, both of you." "Look at that phony." "Pretending to be a millionaire." "Out of this house now, you bums!" "Let me tell you something." "I've seen a lot of spinals, Dude, and this guy's a fake." "A fucking goldbricker." " Stay away from me!" " This guy fucking walks." " I've never been more certain." " Stay away!" "Walter, for Christ's sake, man, he's a cripple." "Get away from me!" " Put him down, man!" " Yeah, I'll put him down!" "Rauss!" "Achtung, baby!" "Come on, help me put him back in his chair." "Sure, you'll see some tank battles." "Fighting in desert is very different from fighting in jungle." "'Nam was a foot soldier's war, whereas this thing should, you know, be a piece of cake." "I mean, I had an M16 Jacko, not an Abrams fucking tank." "Me and Charlie, eyeball to eyeball." " Yeah." " That's fuckin' combat." "The man in the black pyjamas, Dude." "Worthy fuckin' adversary." " Who's in pyjamas, Walter?" " Shut the fuck up, Donny." "Whereas, what we have here..." "Fig-eaters wearing towels on their heads, trying to find reverse on a Soviet tank." " This... this is not a worthy..." " Hey!" "What's this day-of-rest shit?" "What's this bullshit?" "!" "I don't fuckin' care!" "It don't matter to Jesus." "But you not fooling me, man." "You might fool the league office, but you don't fool Jesus." "It's bush league psyche-out stuff." "Laughable, man." "I would have fucked you in the ass Saturday." "I'll fuck you in the ass next Wednesday instead." "Whoo!" "You got a date Wednesday, baby." "He's cracking." "The whole concept of Asia." "Many learned men have disputed this, but in the 14th Century, the Rabahm, he..." "Well, they finally did it." "They killed my fucking car." "We want ze money, Lebowski." "Ja, otherwise, we kill ze girl." "Ja, it seems you have forgotten our little deal." "You don't have the fucking girl, dipshit." "Weknowyouneverdid." "Are these the Nazis?" "No, nihilists." "Nothing to be afraid of." "Ve don't care." "Ve still want the money, Lebowski, or we'll fuck you up." "Fuck you." "Fuck the three of yous." "No, without a hostage, there is no ransom." "That's what ransom is." "Those are the fucking rules." "His girlfriend gave up her toe." "She zought we'd be getting $1 million." "It's not fair." "Fair?" "Who's the fucking nihilist around here, you bunch of fucking crybabies." "Cool it, Walter." "Hey, look, pal, there never was any money." "The big Lebowski gave me an empty briefcase, so take it up with him, man." "I would like my undies back." " Are these guys gonna hurt us?" " No, these men are cowards." "0K, so we take ze money you have on you and we calls it even." "Fuck you." "No, Walter, come on." "We're ending this cheap, man." " No, what's mine is mine." " Come on, Walter." " No funny stuff." " All right, I got..." " uh, 4 bucks, almost 5." " I got $18." "What's mine is mine." "We fuck you up, man." "We takes the money." "Come and get it." "We fuck you up." "Show me what you got, nihilist." "I fuck you." "Come on, he's got a sword." "Dipshit with a nine-toed woman." "Fuck you!" "Fuck you!" "I fuck you, I!" "Take it easy, man." "Here's the $4." "I got a fucking ball, man." "Anti-Semite!" "I fuck you in ze ass." "I fuck you!" "I fuck you!" "I fuck you!" "I fuck you!" "We got a man down, Dude." "God, they shot him, man." " No, Dude." " They shot Donny?" "There weren't any shots fired." "It's a heart attack." "Call the medics, Dude." "I'd go myself, but I'm pumping blood." "Might pass out." "Rest easy, good buddy, you're doing fine." "We got help choppering in." "Hello, gentlemen." "You are the bereaved?" "Yeah, man." "Francis Donnelly." "Pleased to meet you." "Jeff Lebowski." "Walter Sobchak." "The Dude, actually, is, uh..." " Excuse me?" " Oh, nothing." "Yes, I understand you're taking away the remains." "Yeah." "We have the urn." "I assume this is credit card." "Yeah." "What's this?" "That's for the urn." "Don't need it." "We're scattering the ashes." "Yes, so we were informed." "However, we must, of course, transmit the remains to you in a receptacle." "This is $180." "It is our most..." "modestly priced receptacle." " Can we just, uh..." " $180?" " They range up to 3,000." " Uh, we're, uh, ahem..." "Can't we just rent it from you?" "Sir, this is a mortuary, not a rental house." "We're scattering the ashes!" "Just because we're bereaved, doesn't make us saps!" "Sir, please, lower your voices." "Man, don't you have, you know, something else we could put him in, you know?" "That is our most..." "modestly priced receptacle." "Goddamn it!" "Is there a Ralph's around here?" "Donny was a good bowler and a good man." "He was one of us." "He was a man who loved the outdoors... and bowling." "As a surfer, he explored the beaches of Southern California, from La Jolla to Leo Carrillo and up to Pismo." "He died... he died as so many men of his generation, before his time." "In your wisdom, Lord, you took him." "As you took so many bright, flowering young men at Khe Sanh, at Lan Doc, and Hill 364." "These young men gave their lives." "So did Donny." "Donny who loved bowling." "And so..." "Theodore Donald Karabotsos, in accordance with what we think your dying wishes might well have been, we commit your final, mortal remains to the bosom of the Pacific 0cean, which you loved so well." "Goodnight, sweet prince." "Shit." "Oh, shit, Dude, I'm sorry." " Goddamn wind." " Goddamn it, Walter." " You fucking asshole!" " Dude, I'm sorry." "Everything's a fucking travesty with you." "Sorry." "It was an accident." "What was that shit about Vietnam?" "What does anything have to do with Vietnam?" "What the fuck were you talking about?" "Dude, I'm sorry." "Fuckin'..." "Fuck, Walter." "Come on, Dude." "Hey, fuck it, man." "Let's go bowling." "Two oat sodas, Gary." " Good luck tomorrow." " Yeah, thanks, man." "I'm sorry to hear about Donny." "Oh, well, yeah, you know, sometimes you eat the bar and sometimes, you know..." "Hey, man!" "Howdy doo, Dude." "I wondered if I'd see you again." "I wouldn't miss the semis." "How have things been going?" "Strikes and gutters, ups and downs." " Sure." "I gotcha." " Yeah." "Thanks, Gary." "Well, take care, man." "Gotta get back." " Sure." "Take it easy, Dude." " Oh, yeah." "I know that you will." "Yeah, well, the Dude abides." "The Dude abides." "I don't know about you, but I take comfort in that." "It's good knowing he's out there, the Dude." "Takin' her easy for all us sinners." "Shoosh." "I sure hope he makes the finals." "Well, that about does her." "Wraps her all up." "Things seem to have worked out good for the Dude and Walter." "It was a pretty good story, don't you think?" "Made me laugh to beat the band." "Parts, anyway." "I didn't like seeing Donny go." "But then I happen to know that there's a little Lebowski on the way." "I guess that's how the whole darn human comedy keeps perpetuating itself down through the generations." "Westward the wagons, across the sands of time until we..." "Oh, look at me." "I'm ramblin' again." "Well, I hope you folks enjoyed yourselves." "Catch ya later on down the trail." "Say, friend, you got any more of that good Sarsaparilla?"