"So at least that" "La, la, la la, la la" "Well, like that it's been enough.." "HELLOO!" "Hello" "Me, the other day,huh?" "That was something, man I was home alone the other day, you know" "In my eh, home" "And uh, well, everything was good and stuff" "And then I was sitting in that home of mine" "And, eh, I thought, out of nowhere, like:" "Yeah, you know.." "I'm home alone, it's my home" "I can do what I want to" "So I stripped naked" "And then I went and walked naked around my own house" "Naked, huh?" "So, uh, yeah, just naked." "And uh, that was all very well and stuff" "And I felt my own body and everything, and well, it's my body" "So I mean, I can do that" "Uh yeah" "Hm, that was good" "But out of nowhere" "I saw" "In the corner of the room" "I saw" "A little pair of pants" "A teeny tiny pair of pants" "Yeah, hello," "And that wasn't my tiny pair of pants, eh?" "I don't have such tiny pants" "Those were the tiny pants" "Of my girlfriend" "And man, me like eeh," "Well, looking at those tiny pants and everything" "You know, the way you do in such a case, heh" "When you are naked in your own home" "So I was looking like that, at the pants, you know" "With those eyes and everything" "And then I thought" "All of a sudden, like" "Eh, eh, eh.." "Let's go for it!" "And I'm going towards the pants, huh?" "So then I went walking, right...with those legs and everything" "Very typical and everything" "Typical things, things like that" "And I grab those pants and everything" "And I'm holding it in one of my hands and, hop!" "into the other hand, heh, heh, heh" "I can really keep myself busy" "And, uh," "I was standing there with those tiny pants" "And I thought like, yeah," "You know, its my house, I'm home alone," "Yeah" "So I put on the pants" "I put on the pants" "So, huuh, so I put it on like that" "That felt really weird like that, a bit nice" "And you could see some of those hairs that thought: 'we won't go into those pants'" "I said: 'yes you do!" "' Hop!" "You guys will go into the pants as well!" "So there I was, in those pants like that" "And I was walking through my house" "And at home, I have got a really big mirror" "A really big mirror I got there, you know" "So I went in front of the mirror, like this:" "And then I pulled those pants really tight like that" "Inbetween my buttocks" "But, hey, hey!" "TIGHT, heh?" "I mean, well, otherwise you don't have to do it at all, right?" "So eh," "Very tight like that" "And I looked at myself in the mirror" "And I thought" "Jesus, Hans, what the hell are you doing?" "!" "But then I looked a second time" "And then I thought:" "Well!" "Well, Hans," "In reality you are a nice horny little tiger, I thought!" "Oooooh!" "Well, then I was done with the tiny pants" "So I ripped the pants off, threw them away" "That shouldn't take too long" "Because THEN" "I saw, on the table, a MARS" "I saw a MARS bar" "And I was looking at that Mars bar, you know?" "With those eyes and everything again" "And" "Hop!" "I go to the Mars" "And I'm looking at the Mars" "And I think:" "Yeah, Mars, but I'm naked, so goddamn it so will you be!" "So I rip off the wrapper" "And I think: now it's between you and me, Mars" "Between you and me" "And I grab that Mars" "With those sticke sweaty hands, you know?" "And it starts mellllting a little bit" "And I start squeezing" "So in between my fingers I can feel the caramellll" "Oh man," "So I went back in front of the mirror" "And.." "Hmmm, like that!" "I think:" "Good!" "And now I'll call my mom!" "So I'm calling my mom" "And I say:" "Mom," "You'll néver guess.." "What I've got in between my buttocks!" "Yeah, she said, I don't know.." "And she starts guessing" "Uh, bounty?" "Nuts?" "MM's?" "I said:" "Like I would put MM's in my ass, mom!" "Think a bit!" "Well, she said," "Then what?" "I say: a Mars!" "She says:" "Well, son" "If you like it, go for it!" "That's my mom!" "Great woman" "My father is very different" "Very nice man. but very different" "Not very long ago I visited my father" "In his eh, house" "And, eh," "And then I thought, well," "It's my father, you know" "We know each other well" "So I took off my clothes" "And I went walking on hands and knees around his house" "And I screamed:" "I am a swine!" "I am a swine!" "But well, my father only said like:" ""Yeah, I'm not really in the mood for that right now"" "Ohter kind of person, you know?" "Gee, people, I got fucked by a waterbuffalo the other day" "Jezus christ!" "I will tell you:" "That was once, but NEVER AGAIN!" "I won't do it anymore" "You know what it is?" "Sex with waterbuffalo's" "Always and everywhere" "That get's romanticized" "In all of those Disney movies it seems like quite a thing" "But the truth is so uncomfortable, man" "It's so weird" "Firstly" "You have to imagine" "You don't have ANY privacy in a meadow like that" "Zero" "The rest of the herd is just standing around like that:" "And afterwards" "Of course I was a bit insecure" "Of course you are insecure" "So I asked: how did I do?" "So blunt!" "Speaking about being blunt, by the way" "The other time, right here in Amsterdam" "I get into a taxi" "The chauffeur says:" "Where d'ya have ter go?" "!" "I would like to go to the eeeh..." "Leischeplein" "Yeah, I just came from there goddammit!" "I said:" "Well, in that case bring me to Rembrandtsplein" "So we took off" "And along the way" "Really, that guy" "One racist comment after the other!" "And, yeah, I like that, huh?" "Yeah, you have to encourage them in the beginning" "Because racists," "They have to know that they can, you know?" "So you have to give them a nudge," "Because it could happen, that, as a racist taxi driver" "And you are cursing at niggers to your passenger" "And then the passenger says like: yeah, but I'm a nigger" "Oof, sorry!" "But this man" "It was horrific" "He kept going with a rage, man" "That was not normal any more" "It was so bad, I thought:" "Even if Hitler would've sat next to him" "I think that even Hitler at one point would've said:" "Also, also also!" "(Take it easy)" "So at one point I'd had enough" "And I said something to him" "And he said:" "Yeah!" "But what would you do, what would you do," "If your girlfriend had been beaten up by fifteen turks?" "!" "I said, well, that's a very hypothetical question" "Uhh...yeaah!" "Uhh...yeaah!" "And then he said:" "Yeah" "But imagine" "That it wasn't hypothetical" "I said: yeah, in that case, sure!" "Isn't it horrible, people being blunt like that?" "Horrible" "I can't stand it" "And that is why, dear people" "Here in the lovely little theatre" "That's why I love it so much" "To go once a week" "Here in Amsterdam, in the little mokum" "To go to one of those small picturesque literary cafés" "Then I go to one of those literary cafés" "To talk with developed people" "People with a sense of style" "People that goddammit read a book or two" "And then I am in that literary café" "And I listen to the lovely chansons by Jacques Bruelle and Edith Piaff" "And I filosophize a bit with the person next to me about a variety of subjects" "About this, and that" "And something and other" "And we drink a beer" "And well," "I take another one" "And it gets later and later" "And we filosophize and we filosophize" "And we are mesmerized by the beautiful chansons" "And then, around an hour of 0:00" "Taking one of those nice fat writers and pump her up real well on the toilet, man!" "Delicious!" "Delicious, like:" "Bam, push her over and wam!" "stuff that thing inside of her" "In that wet slit" "And then just boink!" "Without a condom!" "Because condoms are madness" "You also wouldn't buy an expensive tv" "And pull a plastic bag over it, or would you?" "Or to go to a really nice concert" "Wearing earplugs, you wouldn't do that either, right?" "Or when you bought a very expensive horse" "Then you wouldn't say like eh.." "Buuuh, stupid horse?" "Or that a buddy calls you" "A buddy calls you on the phone and tells you" "I will come in a minute with the car" "And he comes with his car and he takes you all the way to Germany" "In Germany you arrive in München at an enourmous hall" "You enter and there is schlagermusic, girls in beautiful costumes" "And they dance and there are flowers everywhere!" "And long tables" "And then they put a pint of beer in front of you" "Then you wouldn't throw pictures of your mom inside the beer, would you?" "Now, THAT's why I'm against condoms!" "Just like the pope" "The pope is also against condoms" "So the pope and me are quite on the same page" "That's nice, I was talking to him about it" "He said:" "Hans, if I have such a thing around my dick, then" "I said: yeah, pope, dude, I know all about it" "No but without condom, heh?" "Delicious!" "Boinking a nice fat, chubby chick on the toilet, man" "A chubby girl, heh, like 'wap!" "' Face down" "And then HARD, huh, from the back" "So she will hit her head against the toilet door" "Boink, boink, boink, boink!" "And then go at it good and hard" "And cough that clammy dot full of my jet!" "Oh, man" "That's just so pleasant, huh?" "And sometimes I'm to drunk to boink" "Doesn't matter" "Then I get a blowjob!" "That's nice as well" "Getting a blowjob from one of those big fat chicks" "Nice, man!" "In a beautiful literary café getting a blowjob from a big fat chick" "That's right" "That's also nice heh, blowjobs!" "Blowjobs!" "You know it?" "Blowjobs!" "It's nice..blowjobs!" "Getting a blowjob from a big fat chick!" "In a nice, picturesque literary café letting a big fat chick giving you a blowjob!" "Delicious, man!" "Then I hear the background noise of the café" ""Mulisch, Reve, Herman"" "Muhahaaaa!" "Nice cigarette with it!" "Take a shit, I'm in here anyway" "That might sound very sentimental" "But" "Yeah, I am a romantic" "I can't help that" "I am a sensitive person" "And I think it's terrible if I see what's happening in the world" "If I see the misery, and the hunger" "And the way people treat each other" "Then I think:" "Why?" "You know?" "Why, how can it be that the world still hasn't learned?" "And why can't it" "Sometimes I just think that I don't want it any longer" "I don't want, I can't any longer in a world like this" "I just can't anymore.." "BAM!" "I'm already over it!" "Wow, hey, I was completely broken back there, did you see?" "I was standing here" "But at once I realised:" "Come on, Hans" "Think positive!" "Very important" "I will give a good example:" "Imagine you got a giant house" "With an enormous window" "Out of nowhere" "Fourteen Norsk sailors arrive" "Of whom one is called Elmer" "And he throws up all over the window" "Do you have to complain?" "Do you have to sulk?" "Do you just have to let your head hang?" "I say:" "No!" "You could also think:" "Wait a minute" "The chance of a small bird" "Thinking it can fly through that window" "And breaking its neck" "That chance just became a lot smaller, and that is positive" "You get it?" "And then it doesn't even matter anymore whether that guy's name is Elmer or not" "That isn't important" "Important, positive thinking!" "Always huh?" "It's a choice" "When you have an ostomy" "You can complain, but you can also think:" "Yeah, but at least now I'm getting a nice pink anus" "A nice and pink anus, at least that" "Your daughter was pregnant using drugs at 14 yrs old" "A big shock because of the high standards you uphold" "The way you dealt with her was apparently no good" "But her death gives you an insight in the worries of the youth" "So at least that" "So at least that" "Yeah, we should honestly appreciate it" "So at least that" "So at least that" "You can be sick, and be cured before you know it" "A plastic surgeon worked your face for a fair price" "But made a mistake and you now cannot close your eyes" "And if you would yawn your cheek would rip up to your ear" "But you never had any friends so no one notices, my dear" "So at least that" "Yeah at least that" "Yeah, we should honestly appreciate it" "So at least that" "So at least that" "You can be sick, and be cured before you know it" "Because you smuggled hashees you are in a Turkish cell" "It would've been better for you to burn all eternity in hell" "The food isn't good, and each hour they hit you" "But you can get a taste of a different culture" "So at least that" "Yeah at least that" "Yeah, we should honestly appreciate it" "So at least that" "So, at least that" "You can be sick, and be cured before you know it" "You used to play for superman, then you fell of your horse" "Now you're in a wheelchair, staring, only filled with remorse" "Sometimes you cannot take everything you go through" "But you don't have to breathe yourself, a machine does it for you" "So at least that" "So at least that" "Yeah, we need to honestly appreciate it" "So at least that" "So at least that" "You can be sick, and be cured before you know it" "I feel so strong!" "And imagine," "Just imagine" "A teacher once said to me, in high school:" ""Hans, you will never amount to anything"" "Tadaaa!" "And the funny thing is, that now he has AIDS, and I'm here!" ""You will never amount to anything"" "Just hear who said it: *cough, cough*" "So I thought the other day:" "Well, let's give him a call!" "Van Dijk, was his name, and I had him on the phone" ""Hello?" "This is....this is van Dijk..."" "I said: can't you speak up?" "!" "I can't HEAR SHIT MAN!" ""This is van Dijk...van Dijk speaking"" "Well, you're speaking to HANS TEEUWEN!" "He said: "Oh, yeah"" ""I remember you"" ""You are doing well, right?"" ""You have got a lot of success"" "I said:" "Yeah, I've got succes, van Dijk, that's true" "But come on, what are we talking about?" "Health is more important after all, isn't it?" "I say:" "Van Dijk," "Why did you tell me back then that I would never amount to anything?" ""Hans, but I never..."" "You DID say that, van Dijk!" ""Hans, but I never.."" "You DID say that, van Dijk!" "Come on, van Dijk" "I think my memory might be a bit better than yours at the moment" "Then he said: "Hans"" ""I don't know anymore"" ""I feel so bad, Hans"" ""Everyone abandoned me"" ""Friends, family.."" ""My wife"" ""Hans, sometimes I'm so bad I thing perhaps it would be best..."" "Wait a sec, van Dijk, I'm not a social worker, huh?" "!" "Ciao!" "And I hung up." "Come on, man" "No, some things I never forget about, huh?" "I'm not even sure it was van Dijk who had said all that, but..." "I was bád in secondary school" "Really, man, I couldn't" "You know, I can't remember things I'm not interested in" "I won't remember them, I can't get them into my skull" "While, if it's something beautiful, interesting, exciting.." "Man, then I soak it up like a sponge" "That's really true" "A saxophone solo of Charley Parker, no problem" "Pay attention:" "Look, that's no problem at all" "But if I.." "Thank you" "But if I think of what they wanted to teach me in secondary school" "In biology for instance:" "They wanted to teach me" "In biology" "How almost invisible animals reproduced asexually at the bottom of the ocean" "Who gives a fuck?" "!" "I'm never there!" "And those weird terms in dutch" ""A participatory gerund-jective"" "Yeah, I don't know what that is" "Or at history: that Cralamantius conquered Cralamatia in 6000 BC, led by Fungblalalaa" "Actually, you should sit in your history class as follows:" "If there are people here that are still in school" "You have to sit in your history class as follows:" "You have to sit straight in front of the teacher" "So you can look him straight in the face" "And, with everything the teacher says" "You say:" "Wow, really?" "Seriously, you mean that?" "Wow, now, that surprises me, man!" "Really?" "Wooow, hey..and that all really happened?" "Woah, man...fascinating" "Fascinating" "I'm hangning onto your every word, go on!" "Fascinating" "Fascinating" "Fascinating, go on!" "Fascinating" "Interesting!" "Fascinating" "Hey, how do you know all that?" "Book?" "Which b..." "Yeah, man.." "We were bad in secondary school, man" "We were really bad" "For instance, we had this teacher that always said:" ""Uh, guys, can you, uh.."" "And when he said: "Uh"" "I said: "Ah", and the guy next to me "Eeh!"" "So then you got:" ""'Guys, can you Uh" "Ah" "Ee!"" "There was also a teacher that fell asleep at one point" "So we had bound his hands with some cables" "And stabbed him in the neck with our drafting compasses until he was completely dead, man!" "In those days, you just couldn't do that" "No, no..stabbing a teacher to death, they were very strict about that" "In those days, you couldn't" "I'll tell you:" "If you stabbed a teacher to death in those days" "Then the goose was cooked" "Meaning the proverbial goose, of course" "No real goose of course, huh?" "Proverbial goose, that was cooked" "No real goose or course, huh?" "Proverbial goose, huh?" "That's an expression, that's a saying" "A manner of speaking" "No real goose of course, huh?" "Of course not, not real ones, a proverbial goose was cooked!" "Of course it wasn't a real goose!" "Did you guys think it was a real goose?" "!" "Of course it wasn't a real goose!" "It's a saying, an expression" "A way to illustrate something" "But of course no real goose that was cooked, that would be weird, wouldn't it?" "Real goose...of course that wasn't a real goose!" "That was a proverbial goose, thát was cooked" "But no real goose of course, man" "Of course that wasn't a real goose" "That would be weird, that guy's bleeding to death over there, and then:" "Hey, goose.." "That's not possible man!" "I just want to say:" "If you did something like that in those days, then the puppets were dancing" "Yeah, but not..." "Not real puppets, of course!" "Like puppets can dance, man!" "You can make them dance with strings.." "But not for real, man" "If you throw them away, then they'll just.." "No, that goose and those puppets, that's sewing a suit of the same sheet" "Yeah, but, not a REAL suit!" "Not a real suit made of sh.." "Who makes a suit out of sheets?" "!" "Who?" "Who makes a suit out of sheets?" "!" "Shall I tell you who?" "The Klu Klux Clan" "But they have nothing to do with this" "They are just being dragged in here by the roots of their hairs" "Their proverbial hairs!" "Otherwise you have to take of their pointy hats first.." "Man, just think!" "What are you guys thinking?" "!" "You thought: that guy is lying there with 40 compasses in his neck, bleeding to death there, and someone says:" "I'll go cook a nice goose, shall I?" "Hey, hello puppets, you are dancing nicely!" "So much fun!" "Oh!" "There's the Klu Klux Clan, come join us!" "I have to explain fucking EVERYTHING here.." "So annoying.." "All of that was in the 80s, me going to highschool" "HORRIBLE decennium" "I just sat there, man" "In a squat" "With a thin coat decorated with buttons full of principles" "Drinking tepid coke" "And enjoying the beautiful music of the 80s" "Or even worse:" "There was only one consolation for me in the 80s:" "Hash." "Delicious" "If I'd used hash, man:" "Nagging parents, nagging teachers" "Bad marks, not getting a girl" "Man, everything was funny" "I didn't give a fuck" "I remember the first time I came home crazy stoned" "Man, I was stoned like a monkey 4.30 in the morning I came home" "I had to be home at twelve" "Bicycle ride of twenty minutes" "But it cost me four hours" "Yeah, along the way I saw all kinds of things" "A beautiful tree" "Tree" "Tree" "Tree" "Tree" "Tree" "Tree" "Tree" "Tree, tree, tree" "Tree" "Tree" "With branches" "Branches, tree" "Tree, branches" "Tree" "And then I came home, put my bike against the garage" "House" "House a house" "House" "House" "House" "House" "House" "House" "House" "House" "House" "And I went inside" "My father came down the stairs in his underpants" ""Where are you coming from?" "!"" "Yeah, dad, nobody knows that, right?" "I mean, yeah, were do we come from, where are we going.." "I think those are difficult questions, you're asking there!" "In the middle of the night" "In your underpants" "I mean, do you know what time it is?" "!" "Have you thought about that?" "!" "Weird questions, dad!" "Dad" "Dad" "Papa" "Papapapapapaaa" "Papapapapaaa" "Papaaaa" "Papapapapapapa" "Pap, pap, pap, pap, pap, pap" "Papaaaa" "Papaaa and mom mom" "Mamamamama" "Dad and mom mamapapaa mamapapaa papamamaa papamamaa mamamamamamama papa in a house" "I don't know what you're gonna do, dad, but I'm of to bed.." "I'm destroyed!" "And my poor father found it difficult to handle" "He did not see I was a genius" "While of course, it became apparent very soon that I wás a genius" "Like with all great names, something like that becomes apparent very early on" "That was the case for Da Vinci," "For Michelangelo" "Mozart so, that was the case with me, too" "Wait a minute, don't laugh about Michelangelo and Mozart" "That's unfair" "No, listen, you are forgetting that they were very popular in their day" "Of course, now, after everything I've done it seems a bit outdated" "But in théir day.." "They were people to take into account, absolutely" "Although I have to say that with Mozart" "Sometimes, when I'm listening to his work" "And then sometimes I think: a pity." "you know?" "No, then I think:" "A pity you didn't pay a bit more attention to it" "Then it would have been really góod, you know?" "Sometimes you just make choices that are too easy" "For instance the song:" "That's a nice start, You know, anything can still happen" "But after that, he comes with this súper lame:" ""hm, what to do now?" "oh, yeah.."" "Then I think, Jesus, man.." "I would say, do it like thís:" "That's music, you know?" "That's about something" "But, well, you just have to keep searching" "And as a kid.." "I was already searching" "Always searching new shapes, new sounds, new things New things!" "And you can hear that here:" "This beatiful record" "It's a record of me" "When I was still very young" "A little tyke, huh?" "A little rascal" "You can hear me improvise at a young age" "Using my voice, the piano," "And what is really fascinating" "Is that you can hear the high potential already" "You already hear the genius" "That later would, of course, change Dutch history in such a radical way" "The beginning of that can really be heard here" "Well, I'd say, let's listen" "Still searching a bit..." "Fascinating, huh?" "And imagine, I was only fifteen years" "Ah, isn't it a delight?" "I can listen to this for hours" "And that's what we'll do" "Oh!" "stop..." "Well, that's how it started" "Till where I am now.." "The absolute top" "And people sometimes ask me:" ""Hey, hans.."" "And then I say: "yeah?"" ""Isn't it lonely, all the way up there, at the top?"" "And then I say: surely" "Surely, it's lonely, it's lonely at the top" "I feel so alone, alone, alone, alone, alone, alone, alone" "I feel so alone, alone, alone, alone, alone" "If I would love you selflessly" "Would I trust you with me?" "Isn't it better to save you from me?" "Because women have bled for me before?" "They thought they recognized so much in me" "But where investing in a lot of misery" "They now understand I won't change" "And are better of with someone else" "But if you're not bothered by romantic thougts" "You know what you can expect of me" "Then I have a brilliant idea:" "Come away with me" "And don't leave me" "Alone, alone, alone, alone, alone" "Don't leave me" "Alone, alone, alone, alone, alone" "If you pick me unconditionally" "Imagine you lose your heart to me" "With all risks that come with that" "You will see" "Then you will see" "How egocentric, vain, ambitious I am" "How autistic, unattainable and nervous I am" "That I am thoughtful, rational and unapproachable" "That I know a lot of screwed-up idiots" "That I can't cook and never fill out a form" "That even when I'm not right I'll talk my way out of it" "That I can be paranoid and don't trust anyone" "That I don't cry but sometimes trash my whole living room" "If you can forgive me for all of this:" "Chose me" "And save my life" "Because I am" "Alone, alone, alone, alone, alone" "I'm so alone, alone, alone, alone, alone" "Ok, so, to come back to fistfucking" "I think, that.." "Wait, now you're thinking" "You are thinking" "Oh, he's going off on a tangent, there is no connection" "He's just saying things..." "NO!" "The thread linking everything!" "Connections!" "Fistfucking has also been done for the first time, once" "So, was once unique" "Voilá, the context!" "You have to pay attention" "It's true, fistfucking had to start at one point" "Two guys, I'm talking about guys fistfucking" "Two guys thought of it" "Or one guy thought of it first" "And then debated it with the other one" "At least, that's what I hope" "Well.." "No, probably that went down with good communication" ""Waldemart, can I ask you a question?"" ""But of course, Evert, it's yours for the asking"" ""Yes, okay, you're right about that"" ""But, you can't laugh, Waldemart"" ""Evert, I never laugh!"" ""Yeah, uuh...2-0 for you"" ""You're right about that, too"" ""But, I wanted to ask.."" ""Waldemart, buddy.."" ""How about if I stuck my balled fist in your anus?"" ""But that's impossible, Evert!"" ""Well, we can try, can't we?"" ""Hmpf, okay..."" ""Okay, lower your little pants, and sit down on your knees"" ""Are you comfortable, poodlymoopsie?"" ""Okay, Poodlymoopsie"" ""Okay buddy..there it goes!"" ""Relax, poodlymoopsie!"" ""It's in there!"" ""Are you good?"" ""Well, boy, here it goes"" ""Well, are we good, or what?"" ""That's what I thought"" ""So..."" ""Will there be something on tv tonight?"" ""Hey, Waldemart, guess how many fingers I'm holding up?"" "Ah, you know.." "As long as you're honest, you know.." "that's important" "If you're honest, straightforward, don't beat around the bush" "But well!" "Well, it's not always possible, huh?" "Pity, pity, pity.." "Sometimes, you just have to take things into account..." "But, if possible, I think, you have to be honest" "Just say what you think" "But well, sometimes that's difficult, huh?" "The other day, for instance.." "I was visiting friends of mine" "A boy and a girl" "And they had just had a baby" "And the mother shows me the baby, all proud" "And I see the kid" "Jezus christ, I was shocked to pieces" "But, really, a dead ugly kid" "Dead ugly" "But okay, of course, in such cases, I get" "You just have to say what you think" "So that's what I did" "So the mom is standing over at the crib" ""Well, Hans...tadaa"" "And I'm looking...." "Gross!" "What a monstrosity" "He looks like, eighty years old!" "Some kind of molten ET!" "Bweeuugh!" "Aren't you ashamed?" "!" "I mean, you're no looker either, but this.." "Gross!" "A good thing a mother's love is blind, because otherwise it would have lain with the garbage right now" "Gross!" "You will see that people will respect you for that" "Because they know where you stand" "But that soft bullshit, man" "That's the big problem" "They way people raise kids, for instance.." "Way too soft, man" "Those children will be defenceless, doomed" "Those children won't know how to live in a stone-cold world" "I would be a good dad" "I'm certain of that, I would be a really good dad" "My son is coming to me:" ""Daddy, I drew a picture for you"" "I'm looking out the window, man!" "What, picture?" "What's that, show me" "What kind of shit is this?" "Hey, loser, what's this?" "Here, this, what is th.." "Look at it!" "What are those?" "Hands?" "!" "These are hands!" "These are rakes" "And this is the sun, I assume?" "Why is it laughing?" "The sun is a ball of lava" "Lava doesn't laugh, pissface!" "Is that me?" "Is THAT ME?" "!" "Oh, yeah, daddy's as big as the house!" "Of course.." "Oh, look, and mama is bald" "'s no fun, huh, mocking mommy's disease?" "Shall I tell you something?" "I think mommy got ill because of your drawing!" "Yes" "You don't have feelings" "You are sadistic" "I'll tell you, mommy and daddy didn't want kids" "And then you came, and everything went wrong" "Go to your room, make another one" "This kid will survive, because it's tough" "You get it?" "Very important" "You mustn't take them too seriou...the wining of those kids" ""Look daddy, no hands!"" "Yeah, man, it's a tricycle, fuck off!" "That soft shit, that sentimentality" "The Josti-band!" "Another example!" "Listen, people, I love music" "That's not the point" "Let that not be in question" "But I love beautiful music" "Played with feeling" "By musicians that are the masters of their instruments" "And are willing to make an effort for that" "That's what I like" "Music comforts me, when I'm in a difficult place" "And I was in a difficult place that day, I remember it really well" "I'm walking through town" "I see a poster:" "Josti band" "I didn't know what it was" "But I thought: band." "Music." "I needed that" "I needed to be comforted by beautiful music" "So I go there" "I pay fucking money for a ticket, for christ's sake!" "I'm sitting in that theatre" "That scum starts playing" "Goddamn shit music" "Uninspired bullcrap" "That had NOTHING to do with music" "Making music is something you do with your heart" "And that's not drooling and pounding a xylophone, with your tongue hanging from your mouth" "Imagine being a composer" "Having laboured on a nice melody" "And then those weirdo's" "Because that's what they are!" "They destroy it!" "And why?" "why?" "!" "Because they're lazy" "Too lazy to practice" "Something every musician must do" "But no: "I am a mongol"" ""Everything I do will be nice anyway"" "Yeah, with an attitude like that, you'll stay retarded What do you think?" "!" "And they're not that crazy..oh no!" "The whole day its:" "And then the last nurse leaves" "And then bragging to each other:" "Ha!" "I drooled all over that guy" "That is how it happens!" "I wanted to look at the mounted police" "To the mounted police I wanted to go" "I thought then we could eat some bami first" "And after that go and stand at the side of the road" "I wanted to look at te mounted police" "But sadly no one wanted to come" "So in the end I just stayed home" "Because going alone just seemed kinda dumb" "Hallikeedae" "And tralalala" "Hatsieflatsiepots" "Hatsieflatsiepots" "Hatsieflatsiepots" "And tralalala" "Hatsieflatsiepots" "I thought that was a good idea" "I thought we could go with all of us Looking a bit at the mounted police" "The so-called authority on horseback" "So I proposed thusly in my social circle" "What do you think happens?" "I am subjected to laughter of ridicule" "Yeah" "All kinds of critical questions, like:" ""Yeah, but why?"" "Were, complete with cynical tone, directed at my person" "But HELLO!" "It was an impulse!" "An impulse which I myself couldn't explain, declare, motivate.." "So I kept my mouth shut!" "How do you think my social circle responds?" "Once more, laughter of ridicule is directed at my person" "Which, naturally, resulted in some agitation with me" "A bloodbath was the result" "Like a possessed man, a barbarian I went at my social circle" "You are allowed to know that" "How long did this rage last?" "Well, 23 minutes, exactly." "And then.." "I witnessed" "The bloodbath caused by my hand" "There I saw" "Clothes torn apart" "Ripped out hair" "Knocked out teeth" "Of course a lot of skin" "Blood" "And of course, like you'd expect" "A sucked-out eyeball or two" "All of this belonging to my FORMER social circle" "And I was subjected to a feeling of melancholy" "A tear ran down on my complexion" "And I stared" "At the three kilo's" "Untouched bami at the table" "Then I heard in the street" "A sound" "Click clack" "Click clack" "Click click click clack click" "Click clack click" "Click clack" "Clack click click clack" "Click clack" "It was the hooves" "Of the mounted police" "And all that I could think was:" "Well.." "You could have been there" "But 'alas.." "It could" "Not be" "'Alas" ""Alas.."" ""Pindakaas"" "Yeah, that was a bit of a disappointment" "If you'd ask me, "Hey, guy dude"" ""Did that perhaps hurt?"" "I would answer" "Affirmative" ""Of course that hurt"" "If you are looking forward to something.." "Then that's disappointing" "Odelay!" "Mounted police" "Mounted police" "I just want to see" "If there is no direct cause to come" "Just come by for me" "Mounted police" "Oooooh..." "Mounted police.." "Mounted police" "Mounted police" "I really love you" "Mounted police" "And..my favourite colour is blue" "Mounted police" "Oooooh..." "Oh, mounted police!" "Oh, shoubidou..." "Pass by once" "For the fun of it" "Cover the streets with horse shit" "How much longer does it have to be" "Before once I get to seeee" "Oh, mounted police" "I have tried so very often" "But, mounted police" "If for instance I went somewhere" "Where I thought you would beee" "And if I then got there" "Then the people always said to me:" ""Are you perhaps looking for the mounted police?"" "And I'd say:" "Yeah!" "And they'd say: "They just left"" ""The mounted police just left"" ""You just missed them"" "But why, mounted police" "Why can't I just once know up front" "When you're gonna come?" "Why, mounted police," "Why?" "Why?" "Why?" "W-Why don't you have a schedule?" "Why don't you have a schedule?" "A horse" "With on top" "A policeman" "In a dark blue suit" "What do you get?" "Mounted police" "You know, actually" "Actually I think" "Actually I think" "More or less" "All women" "Fucking whores!" "All of them!" "With a vagina.." "Gross!" "A sour ditch, man!" "Menstruation.." "Like it costs nothing!" "And then they're pregnant" "With a big fat belly" "And lots of water" "And then: wèèèh!" "Gross..!" "Fucking whores!" "And then they don't menstruate anymore" "And won't get pregnant anymore" "Then they're going through menopause" "And that's gross, huh?" "That's disgusting" "Women in menopause, you know what they do?" "You know what they do, women in menopause?" "They sweat" "They sweat" "Everywhere" "You know what kind of body they have?" "Withered" "Yeah, withered" "Those limp boobs" "It's nothing!" "Why do boobs stay on after their fifties?" "Why?" "Why didn't nature arrange with a woman at her fiftieth *plop* *plop* Done!" "No, that keeps hanging there.." "Rotting away" "Gross!" "Fucking whores!" "Women in menopause, do you know what kind of face they have?" "A red one" "You know why?" "From the hot spells" "Walking down the street, nothing wrong" "And then:" "And grumpy!" "Grumpy!" "What can you do as a man?" "In your bed some whithered broad with a red face sweating, lying there, complaining" "And then asks:" ""Do you still find me attractive?"" "Nooo!" "Menopause, it sounds like a promotion" "But we can't really say that, huh?" "Menopause.." "Oh, pause, second act" "Nothing, second act, fuck off!" "Go on and die!" "Yeah, the ladies" "First they're nice and tight" "And then they have a face like a rotten apple" "And that's how it is" "Do you know by the way who are absolutely AWESOME?" "!" "MEN!" "Men, they go out together" "And drink beers" "And if one of them makes a joke" "Then the others go:" "And men are never jealous" "And women, ooof!" "If you're walking down the street with a woman" "And another woman crosses:" "beautiful, young, sexy" "You can see the woman next to you, looking" "And she says: "well, I could look like that, too"" "NOO!" "With your hunchback!" "And men don't have that at all" "If a man walks somewhere and a sexy guy approaches" "The guy would honestly say:" ""Look, honey, what a handsome man"" ""Do you want to sleep with him?" "Sure, I'll wait over here!"" "That's men!" "Are there any men in here that are ever jealous?" "No, look, that's what I mean!" "So honest as well, I love it" "Not entirely true, huh?" "Pity, huh?" "No, I'm sometimes jealous" "Bad huh?" "If you're really jealous, man" "Especially" "That paranoid jealousy" "That's bad, huh?" "That everything is twisted in your head" "That's bad, huh?" "If you're at home, for instance" "You're home, waiting" "Because your girlfriend went out with some friends" "YEAH THAT SHOULD BE POSSIBLE?" "!" "And it keeps getting later, and later" "You get a bit nervous" "You look at your watch" "Oh, huh..." "Apparently its fun, out there" "When she's out with me, she's like:" ""Come, when will we leave?"" "And then I'm not there.." "And its:" "And I can't call her either" "'Cause she said in advance: "no, my phone's out of battery"" "Oh, yeah, empty "Will you come get me" and then it works" "And then you get one of those voices in the back of your head:" ""She's with another guy"" "No, no, no, no" "No, that isn't..." "Goddamn it!" "Yeah, she was already acting weird.." "She was acting really weird!" "You know, when she was leaving and everything.." "And saying: "Well, bye!"" "Yeah, you know?" "Stay calm, nothing is wrong.." "Nothing's wrong, just stay calm" "Calm...calm.." "Goddamn, I need to find her!" "And then you're off into the city, to all bars she could possibly be at" "So you go into a bar" "Nope...next bar.." "Next bar.." "And your heart's racing" "And your mind's running wild" "And in your head it's already true" "In your mind she's lying on her back on a table" "Some broad dude is fucking her, and she screams:" ""Much better than Hans!"" ""Much better than Hans!"" "And the broad guy is fucking her" "And there's a picture of me right here, and he looks:" "And with that image in mind" "You storm into the next bar" "And there she is with three girlfriends" "And she says: "Hi, honey"" "And she thinks: something's not quite okay" "And she comes home with you.." "And back home, you subject her to a Gestapo-interrogation" "Why?" "!" "Oh, I fmbl... *...*" "And you are raging" "And you look.." "And she's crying" "Oh, honey, I'm sorry, I didn't mean.." "Honey, I'm sorry, I.." "Honey, don't leave" "Don't leave, honey" ""I'm going to my own place"" "Honey, honey.." "Oh, fucksuckfuck.." "Oh, shit..fuck.." "Shit.." "And you are completely panicking" "You don't know what to do" "You wait until she's home to call her" "Sweetie, it's me!" "Honey, I'm sorry, sorry.." "I was stupid" "Tell me how I can make it right" "She says: "Leave me alone for now"" "Yes, alone, yes.." "Alone.." "And you're like an over-active dog that has to stay in its basket" "Oh..." "Why?" "Why am I so jealous?" "Why?" "!" "It's so stupid" "It's so stupid" "Oh, man, and my poor girl.." "All alone in her own house.." "No, no, I'm doing it again!" "I'm doing it again!" "Oh, I ruined it all.." "It's my own fault, it's all fucked up.." "And it won't get fixed" "I can't make it right" "It will never be right agai..." "Oh, wait, that's not true!" "Oh!" "I know what to do!" "Buy some flowers" "Jezus man.." "I'm getting all worked up for nothing, ha!" "I'll just buy some flowers, and everything will be good" "So that's solved" "Good" "Yeah, they love that, those chicks Well, good, right?" "Well, what will I do with the rest of my evening?" "Chasing chicks!" "Because that's a must, huh?" "As a guy you need to chase chicks" "That's in your personality, it's just your nature" "You are no stronger than nature" "So, in a relationship you have to cheat" "That's just the way it is, you can't help that" "That's nature" "We are men" "We are hunters" "We need to go for it" "Fuck other chicks" "Women.." "Totally different case" "Women belong on the nest" "Waiting til we're done fucking other chicks" "And then we go to them And they cooked and everyting.." "And we'll possibly fuck them" "That's nature" "That's normal, you know?" "Very normal" "If you don't do it, you put too much pressure on your relationship" "A relationship can't handle that" "If you don't do it for yourself, do it for your girlfriend" "Do it for her, you know?" "You have to do it!" "BUT, hey, people.." "Mum's the word, huh?" "Yeah, you shouldn't go yapping about it, huh?" "And if they ask:" "lie through your teeth" "If they ask: "Do you ever cheat?"" "NEVER!" "Especially not with your sister yesterday" "Lie through your teeth!" "Bút..!" "There are some situations.." "In which she suspects something" "She heard something.." "She saw something.." "She found something in your pockets or something" "And there you are, backed up against a wall And she's asking all kinds of questions" "She knows something, she's onto you.." "You're backed up against a wall" "No problem!" "What do you do?" "Method A:" "You walk towards her, and say:" ""Do you know baby.."" ""How much your mistrust hurts me?"" ""How can I love someone who doesn't trust me?"" ""A relationship is only based on trust, why don't you trust me?"" "Most of the time, that works very, very well" "But if it proves ineffective" "Then you switch to Method B:" "That one is fantastic" "They are asking questions "Yeah, this, and that"" ""What are you saying?"" ""And I planned on proposing to you today.."" "If even that doesn't work.." "You go to method C" "And that one is brilliant, subtile, psychological.." "Then you say:" ""You with your accusations.."" ""..and your reproaches..no honey"" ""You probably have something to hide yourself"" ""And you are trying to reverse it"" ""That's what you're doing"" ""You're switching it, because you want to hide something"" "And they can't wrap their little heads around that one, eh?" "It goes wrong" "They really get like:" ""Yeah, but weren't you the one..." "Uh..."" "And if you.." "Stop, I'm not done yet!" "If you do that long enough.." "They go bat crap crazy" "They'll end up in an institution" "You can visit once a week to fuck" "Perfect relationship" "But well.." "But, we weren't there yet" "Because first, I went into the city.." "Drinking, chasing chicks and everyting" "Next day, I wake up" "Oh, yeah, flowers, flowers!" "So I buy a big bouquet of flowers" "I go to her place" "Nervous" "Ring the bell, she opens" "I'm standing there" "Honey, I'm so sorry I was so stupid.." "You know, I was just.." "I don't really remember what.." "If I..." "I mean...well.." "Here, take this" "And she takes the flowers, a bit awkwardly" "And she says:" ""Hans, I'm sorry, too"" "Oh, but sweetie, you don't have to apologize" ""Hans"" ""Hans, I had sex with someone else last night"" ""And I think I'm in love, Hans"" ""And we shouldn't see each other anymore, Hans, because we're not right for each other"" "Flowers: back!" "And you grab the flowers" "On the way you throw them away" "You go home to lie in bed" "And you now it for sure again, huh?" "They are all fucking whores" "People" "I have to tell you something.." "Listen" "Dick Turpin was a bushranger!" "And he was only this tall" "I can hear you think:" ""Gee, but, Hans..."" ""thát's small!"" "But, and now you'll see.." "It wasn't that small after all" "Because" "In Dick Turpin's time.." "The bushes were this tall as well!" "So Dickie could stand nicely upright" "While waiting for a stagecoach or lonely rider on horseback" "And that saved our Dickie a lot of" "Back trouble" "I thought, I'd just say it..." "Hey, not all women are fucking whores, by the way" "Not all of them, no" "Martine Bijl is not a fucking whore, she's a lovely woman" "Such a nice woman, man!" "You remember, that first single of her?" "Never was a great hit" "But it was the first song she ever did and everything" "Very sweet, decent, intimate song" "What was it called?" "From Martine Bijl, you know?" "First song she did.." "It was called.." "Oh, yeah!" "It was called:" ""There's a carrot in my cunt"" "It was good, man!" "Everything was right about that song" "It started with some music" "And you'd already see it was gonna be good" "It's going to be good!" "And then came her voice, right in there" ""Look here"" "And you'd think: what, what is it, Martine?" ""I've got a carrot in my cunt"" "Okay!" "So, she's not a fucking whore" "And also the queen isn't a fucking whore, Because she's after all the queen" "She has to wave a lot, huh, the queen?" "It's more or less the core of the monarchy..waving" "She asked it, when she became queen:" ""Yeah, what will I have to do?"" "Waving!" ""Oh, okay!"" "So there she is on her balcony:" ""Hello people!"" ""Hello dear people!" "Helloo"" ""I'm the queen"" ""Hellooo"" ""I'm the queen"" ""Hello people"" ""Hello, dear people"" "And the people: "Hello, queen!"" ""Hello, huh, queen!"" ""Helloo!"" ""Look, it's the queen"" ""Hello queen!" "Hello!"" ""Hello, people!"" ""Hello, dear people"" ""Hello, people"" ""Hello, people"" ""Hello, queen!"" ""Hello, huh?" "Hey, Queen!" "Hellooo!"" ""We're right here, huh?" "Helloo Queen!"" ""Hello, people!"" ""Hello, dear people"" "It would be bad if the queen got in an accident and lost both her arms, hey, just imagine:" ""Hello!"" ""Hello!"" "With her head from the golden carriage:" ""Hello!"" "The presence" "of our Lord God" "What is that?" "The presence of our Lord God" "Christ" "Jesus Christ our Lord God, Jesus Christ" "What is that?" "It's something you can't explain" "You can't explain, it's.." "It's something.." "It's a feeling!" "It's a feeling" "You can't..." "Christ" "You can't explain it, it's" "You can't explain it, it's a feeling" "You can't" "Yeah, shut up then, man!" "I get so sick of that Christ-scum" "Christ-dogs, ooof..." "I mean, no, look, that Jesus Christ sorry, but it was some nimrod from Nazareth" "That's all...fine bloke, nothing wrong" "But a nimrod" "He had...he said for instance" "Well, you have a God, he always talked about him, God" "And God made éverything" "Whole universe" "The earth, each tiny blade of grass, all of that was God's.." "And he'd say:" ""Yeah, that's my dad, huh?"" ""Yeah, 's my dad that did all that, huh?"" "And it was just a human being" "Jezus was just a human being so he also farted" "Sorry to..well, it's a bit banal to say it, but it's true" "A human being farts, Jesus used to fart" "And you have to imagine that" "Him preaching" ""I am, uh, well, I'm the son of uh"" ""Of uh, of God, then"" ""Or just open a window"" "You can't do that, man" "But then you try to discuss with that Christ-scum" "And you ask:" "How do you know all that for sure?" "And they say:" ""Yeah, that's what's written"" "Yeah, but how do you know that what's written, is the truth?" ""Yeah, that's written as well"" "So, always when I go into a discussion with that scum" "I carry a little booklet, in which I wrote:" ""God does not exist"" "So in the discussion: "How are you so sure?"" ""Yeah, that's been written"" ""Oh, that's weird, because here it says.."" "I feel very connected to the Jewish people" "But why?" ""Because I'm Jewish"" "And with who do you feel connected?" ""With the other Jews"" "But why, then?" ""Because they are Jewish as well"" "But what do you feel, then?" ""Yeah, some kind of connectedness"" "But why then?" ""Because we're all Jewish"" "But what is that, that connectedness?" ""Yeah, that's"" ""Yeah, you can't explain it"" ""It's a feeling"" "But what is it you do?" ""Well, we have all kinds of traditions"" "Oh yeah, like what?" ""Well, we do not eat all kinds of things, together"" ""And we cut a piece of dick off of young boys"" "And you have those lunatics, with Bob Marley-like dreadlocks, and a Zorro hat" "And they are bleating against a wall all day!" "Yeah!" "Would be fun if the wall got enough of it at one point" "With them:" "And that the wall says:" ""Fuck off for once, asshole!"" ""I'm not made of stone!"" "Oh, man, man, man" "You know who I also find a huge asshole?" "Allah!" "Allah, with his fat dick!" "Then you have those hysterical sand-people" "Then you think: "Guy, calm down, it's already hot"" "But they go:" "And you have those dead frightened sand-women, with a cloth around their heads" "If a camera-crew asks:" ""Are you being repressed?"" ""I have to ask my husband"" "And Allah thinks all Dutch women are whores" "But he's got a mighty good point there!" "But the sand-women shouldn't think:" ""Oh, I'll quickly wrap a cloth around my head, then I won't be a whore"" "No, then you're a whore, with a cloth around your head" "And then you have Hindu's" "All day they have to stand up to here in a gross, dirty, disgusting river" "Really fucking gross" "Standing there like:" "And they do that, because otherwise they'll get a shitty life" "So, that life has to be worse than standing all day up to your bellybutton in a steaming sewer" "And they're standing like this:" "You wanna say:" "Hey, get out of there" "No, it's been enough, get out" "No, get out, go shower" "'No, I'll stay here' 'no, no, I'll stay here'" "'Oh, shit, a cow!" "'" "'Oh, cow!" "'" "And then they tell me:" "'Those are the religions of those people, their traditions'" "'That's their way of life'" "'Their culture, you have to respect that'" "Don't have respect for that, I think they're bozo's sorry" "You know what I respect?" "Hell's Angels!" "What are the objections of having some broad leather-faggots that give each other hand jobs in a wooden hut?" "What's weird though.." "It's very weird" "If someone says they're criminals" "They come by, beat you up, and threaten you" "It's the same as when you say that someone is a plumber he comes by, fixes your heating and says:" ""If you say that again, I'll return, and fix that faucet too, huh?" "!"" "I don't like violence" "I hate violence, I think it's terrible" "It makes me very grumpy, violence" "It makes me really grumpy" "A while back I'm at a Japanese restaurant somewhere in Amsterdam" "Enjoying a nice soup, nothing wrong" "Just a nice soup, and then I hear next to me:" "I look up" "Three corpses, the killer runs away, I think:" "I think: that starts well, if it goes on like that, I'll say something" "So I want to continue eating, but there's blood in my soup" "Well, I'll eat the parts next to it, then, damn it" "And everyone started panicking!" "And I didn't get why" "I think, why panic?" "They are dead, The killer is gone" "What can happen?" "Nothing!" "Make some atmosphere!" "That's what I say, you know?" "But no, lots of screaming, everyone running around" "Someone knocks into my table" "My beer falls into my soup" "And I get so pissed off!" "I say:" "Waiter, the bill!" "Waiter!" "Waiterrrr!" "So I see, under the table, a waiter, hyperventilating" "I say:" "Don't be so dramatic, man!" "Yeah, then you shouldn't work in the horeca, you know that" "I want to pay, settle the bill!" "Guy doesn't react, I throw the money at him" "I want to leave, but the police enter" ""What happened?"" "I say:" "I will tell you what happened here" "I'm just eating a nice soup" "And all of a sudden there is a lot of noise pollution" "And there's blood in my soup" "And they throw the beer in it as well!" "The waiter won't come" "THAT is what is going on with the horeca in Amsterdam and you should do something about it, moustache!" ""Can you describe the culprit?"" "Yeah, look for yourself, he's underneath the table" ""No, the guy who shot"" "I say:" "What's he got to do with it?" "Yeah, if I could describe him" "Yeah, I say, I can" "I thought he was well, rather hasty" "And I thought he was pretty unsympathetic" "And yeah, cruel Sorry to say it, but cruel" "Then I could go" "So I left" "Had soup somewhere else" "So I ended up eating way to much soup, on top of everything else" "Oof, so much soup..bowls of soup" "I ate so much soup" "More than a person can take" "I ate so much soup" "I almost can't stand up" "I was slurping tomato" "And before it was even gone" "They gave you new *hop* before you were done!" "Even if no one thinks I'm right" "I am the king in my own mind" "That's the way I see me" "A genius I know myself to be" "I am a hero, a cool stud" "I fall on my face with a big thud" "Now I feel small, and regretting" "Because I almost lost everything" "I have to go back to where it's safe" "Or I'll be digging my own grave" "Too much feeling, makes me insane" "But there's no pleasure without pain" "No romance, no sentimental feelings" "For who doesn't know the dark side of things" "Sometimes, I'm heartless and I'm cold" "And make mistakes that are awful" "Because of a surplus of irony" "Or vanity and jealousy" "I have to go again through hell" "Or I'll develop a tumor cell" "Does this sound like an honest song?" "I'm not honest, so that's wrong" "Because I know how I can score" "I'm just that type" "So smug and sick" "I try to be coquettish with self-critique" "And there's never peace inside my mind" "I'm always aware of myself, I find" "Enjoy my talent and my wit" "But don't trust me one bit" "Don't trust me one bit" "So, I'm going to sit down comfortably" "That's the big upside from being a solo-artist" "All that space" "You shouldn't try this in a musical" "You will hit a homo in the face" "Oh, nice man" "Oh, fun this" "Making myself comfortable" "Glass of water, cigarette, 500 people, nice!" "How are you?" "Do you look, or not?" "Do you look?" "At your shit, after crapping" "Yeah, well..." "No?" "!" "Pity" "You should always do that" "Oh, are you one of those people?" "Then hang a collander underneath, or something" "But you have to do it" "Because imagine you taking a shit" "And you look, and it's bright blue Then what?" "Then you know something isn't right" "But if you don't look, then it goes wrong" "So you have to look" "Will you promise me to look in the future?" "I always look" "I always look at my crap" "It's kind of a moment for myself, you know?" "Pop open a bottle of wine.." "And I go screaming, looking at my crap" "Important to keep doing that" "I also take craps while in the bath tub" "I take craps in the bath" "If you're in the tub, you think: well, I can get out, but.." "You can dig through the foam:" "well, that's not a small one!" "So nice, that, man" "This one time, I was taking a bath with a girl" "I said:" "Honey, I've got a surprise, close your eyes!" "And then that face, man" ""I had hoped it would be a ring"" "Well, put it around your finger" "But I don't only like shit" "I mean, I also like fruits" "I like fruits even better than shit" "You know why?" "Shit smells" "Shit smells" "And fruits, provided they're fresh, don't smell" "While shit smells especially whén it's fresh" "That means that, on the one hand shit and fruits are opposites but they are also in each others future" "Fascinating" "You want to give the people something to think about on an evening like this, you know?" "Shall I also toss in a morale, or not?" "Include a morale?" "Yeah, toss in a morale?" "Well, look, the morale is:" "People, let's in God's name stop shooting each other through the head from up close with an automatic weapon" "Shall we just stop doing that, you know?" "But about fruits.." "I peel my fruits" "I peel all of my fruits You know with what?" "With a samurai-blade" "I peel my fruit with a samurai-blade" "I peel apples pears" "grapes brambles" "I peel them too, brambles" "With a samurai-blade I peel brambles" "I peel brambles, with a samurai-blade" "And milk, I peel that too Milk" "I peel milk, huh?" "I peel the carton away, because I don't like the taste" "No, the carton I don't like, I really only want the milk" "No, the carton, pff, what to do with the carton?" "So I peel it off." "Away with it!" "And Snickers, I peel those to, Snickers" "Until I've got nothing left but peanuts" "But do you know what's the most difficult to peel?" "The most difficult in the world?" "Salt" "You gotta try that, peeling salts with a samurai-blade" "At the end of it, you're destroyed" "But you will know, what real salt tastes like, and that's important, too" "Just buy a samurai-blade and some salts at the end of the show" "Then he'll know what real salt tastes like" "I don't want to interfere in your relationship.." "but I think it will help" "Oh, people, people, people.." "I'm afraid sometimes, you know?" "Sometimes I'm afraid that, after this show has aired on tv.." "I will get confronted by all kinds of groups that are after me" "Christians, Jews, Muslims, Hell's Angels..." "Sweaty chicks" "But I'm most afraid of the Josti Band" "They are dangerous, guy They say:" "And if you say:" "Excuse me?" "BAM!" "Oh, people" "Hey, but, enough loitering!" "Because now we'll continue with the grande finale" "Eddy Albena, and his dead birds!" "And we'll blow off the roof, huh?" "Meaning the proverbial roof, right?" "But I will need an assistant" "Do you want to help me?" "It's very simple, not scary at all.." "Come on up on the stage" "Come on up.." "Giddy up!" "What's your name?" ""Claire"" "Claire?" "That's my dad's name, too!" "Unprobable!" "Well, follow me.." "Go and sit on the piano stool" "Listen, it's very simple You're Eddy Albena's assistant" "You can put your clothes underneath the piano I'll go get the rest" "No, just kidding" "Just kidding" "Look, I will get.." "This is uh.." "This is uh...your costume, and attribute" "You have to put it on your head, like that That's easiest, with hats" "Look, and this is a hoop, and you'll hold it Like this it's an egg...hoop, egg, hoop, egg, hoop, egg" "Splendid, right?" "But sit down for now" "So, later, when I say 'Hoop', you have to stand like this, ok?" "Top!" "Okay, ladies and gentlemen" "Now, the moment we've all been waiting for:" "Eddy Albena and his dead birds!" "And I present to you, ladies and gentlemen:" "The dead birds" "Just like that!" "Out of my way, guys" "This one like that.." "This one like that.." "Well, fantastic!" "I would say, start the casette!" "The music..okay, now, listen:" "I will go over there and will return, transformed to Eddy Albena" "And then the grande finale will start" "And when I say 'Hoop' you'll stand like that, okay?" "Heeeeey!" "Hoop!" "Okay" "Thanks, you can sit down" "So at least that" "So at least that" "Yeah, we have to be honest about that" "So at least that" "So at least that" "You can be sick, and cured before you know it"