"NARRATOR:" "Previously on Two and a Half Men:" "Hey, Alan, meet my mother, Robin." "Nice to meet you, Alan." "Likewise." "[WALDEN AND ROBIN LAUGHING]" "I know what I want for Christmas." "Bridget." "I can't sign the divorce papers." "I love you and I want you back." "I want you so badly." "Yeah." "Yeah." "I want you too." "I don't think it's a good idea to sleep with you since I started seeing someone, she might be the real deal." "Not that you weren't the real deal, you're just the ex-real deal." "And she's the next real deal." "You waited till I was half naked to tell me you were seeing someone else." "Hard to bring up while you're taking off my pants." "Go to hell, you son of a bitch." "Didn't go as well as I'd hoped." "I wouldn't worry about it." "She doesn't look like the type to carry a grudge." "[TIRES SCREECHING]" "Oops." "What?" "Nothing." "A social media company I invested in just went belly-up." "Oh, no." "How much did you invest?" "I don't know." "About 80 million dollars." "Eighty million dollars?" "Give or take." "Mostly took." "And you consider losing that kind of money an oops?" "Yeah." "No, no." "Oops is when you clip your toenails too close and they bleed." "Oops is when you mistake toothpaste for lubricant." "Oops is when you thought a fart in the elevator was gonna be silent." "You've mistaken toothpaste for lubricant?" "Just once." "It stung like hell, but my penis was minty fresh." "Wait." "How do you know it was minty fresh?" "Years of yoga and loneliness." "[PHONE RINGING]" "Uh-oh." "What?" "Ex-wife." "Oh, see, that's the correct use of the uh-oh." "Hello, Bridget." "Yeah, I just saw." "Yes, I know half the money is yours." "Was yours." "I'm sorry you feel that way." "I'm the president of the company." "And I can invest the money any way I want." "What do you mean, "We'll see about that"?" "Well, I can't do that, Bridget." "But apparently Alan can." "Hello?" "Bridget?" "Uh-oh?" "Oh, crap." "Oh, crap." "Yeah, that's better." "[SINGING "TWO AND A HALF MEN" THEME]" "Bridget, you got your board meeting, but I don't see the point." "The stock is divided between the three of us." "My mother is gonna vote with me." "Are you sure about that?" "Of course, I am." "Right, Mom?" "Well, you know I love you." "Oh, crap." "You've been burning through a lot of money recently." "It's my money to burn through." "Can't believe you turned my mother against me." "We're looking out for everyone's best interest." "No one is against you." "With all due respect, Robin, I'm against him." "I propose Walden Schmidt be removed as president of Walden Loves Bridget Enterprises." "Financial decisions will be made by a majority vote of the board." "You're kicking me out of my company?" "You'll still have a vote." "All in favor." "Aye." "Aye." "Nay!" "Motion is passed." "Come on, Mom." "I'm sorry, sweetie, it's for your own good." "I propose doubling the budget of the Robin Schmidt Primate Research Center." "Why would we double the--?" "Aye." "Aye." "Motion carried." "[GROANS]" "I move the meeting be adjourned." "Second it." "All in favor." "Aye." "Aye." "Meeting adjourned." "Okay, okay, okay." "This is" " This is not over." "I'm gonna get an attorney and I'm gonna fight this." "I thought I was your attorney." "Yeah, I'm sorry, Uncle Martin, you're out." "Oh...." "What do you think, counselor?" "Can I fight them?" "I have a few questions first." "Shoot." "Walden Loves Bridget Enterprises?" "What do you want from me?" "I had a billion dollars and a constant erection." "Fortunately all you lost in the divorce is the half a billion dollars." "Okay, the first thing I do is change the name." "Well, be that as it may as long as it's just the three of you on the board, they can outvote you." "Aw...." "But the good news is" "Yay!" "Let me finish." "According to these bylaws, you as founder have the unilateral right to name a fourth person to the board." "In the case of a tie, you also have the right to break that tie." "So if I put someone on the board and the vote's two-two, I win." "Right." "You are very smart." "It's not just a hat rack." "Great." "Hey, you wanna be on the board of my company?" "I'll change the name to Walden Loves Zoey, Inc." "Ha, ha, thanks, I don't think it's a good idea to mix business and, you know, genitalia." "Okay." "Well, would you at least be my lawyer?" "Of course." "I'm already screwing you." "Basically you have to find a fourth board member who you can totally control." "Like a puppet." "A patsy." "A tool." "It would help if they're not terribly bright when it comes to finance." "Where am I gonna find somebody like that?" "["YOU'RE THE ONE THAT I WANT" PLAYING ON-SCREEN]" "[SINGING] You're the one that I want" "Ooh, ooh, ooh" "Honey The one that I want" "Ooh, ooh, ooh Honey" "So I've narrowed my choices down to two." "[ALAN SINGING "YOU'RE THE ONE THAT I WANT"]" "Alan?" "'Cause I need a man" "And my heart is set on you" "Better shape up" "You better understand" "Alan?" "Alan?" "Oh, golly." "What are you doing?" "Uh, well, there is a theory that wind resistance can be reduced by the removal of, uh, body hair." "What, are you running a marathon?" "Yeah, why else would I be shaving my legs?" "Because I like the way it feels?" "Ha, ha." "What's up?" "How would you like to be on the board of my company?" "Are you kidding?" "I would like nothing more than to be..." "...on the board of your company." "Good." "Just one question." "Yeah?" "What does it mean to be on the board of your company?" "All you gotta do is vote with me so I can take back control from my ex-wife and my mother." "Oh, hey, anything I can do to stick it to ex-wives and mothers, I'm there." "Yes." "Uh, just out of curiosity um, is there an honorarium or a stipend for members of the board?" "Nothing to speak of." "Fifty thousand dollars a year." "[GASPS, THEN FARTS]" "Sorry." "I'm celebrating out of both ends of my body." "I shudder to think what would happen if I said a hundred thousand." "We would've had to drain the tub." "It's great to know you're on my team." "Absolutely." "You can count on me." "Get a lot of wind resistance down there?" "Not anymore." "[SPEAKING INAUDIBLY]" "What's the point of this, Walden?" "We're just gonna outvote you again." "For your own good, sweetie." "Thanks, Mom." "Before we get to voting, I'd like to introduce you to Zoey Hyde-Tottingham-Pierce, my new attorney and sex partner." "My card just says attorney." "What's he doing here?" "WALDEN:" "Wanna tell them, Alan?" "Hold on." "Lox." "Walden put me on the board." "You can't do that." "Oh, but I can." "Sock it to them, baby." "These are the corporate bylaws of Walden Loves Bridget Enterprises." "I'm gonna change the name." "I call your attention to page five, paragraph four, subparagraph B." "It states that Walden, as founder has the unrestricted right to name one additional board member." "Really looking forward to working with you." "Aye." "Wait till there's a vote." "Oh, okay." "There's no way we're gonna finish this food." "We should get some Ziploc baggies and take it home." "Not now, Alan." "Oh, let me just get it out of the sun." "Okay, I would like to move that I be reinstated as president." "All in favor?" "Aye." "Alan?" "Now?" "Now." "Oh, uh, aye." "Why are you doing this?" "Bridget and I are gonna vote no, you're gonna have a tie." "Au contraire, mon frère." "Counselor?" ""In the event of a tie vote, Walden Thoreau Schmidt as founder, has the unlimited right to cast an additional vote to break said tie."" "Booyah!" "Hold on." "I'm not voting until my lawyer looks at this." "Me neither." "Suit yourself." "This isn't over, Walden." "Love you, sweetie." "Love you too, Mom." "Hey, Walden, what's the company policy on board members dating each other?" "You wanna date my ex-wife?" "No, no, that would be weird." "My mother?" "No, no." "What are you talking about?" "I just wanna be clear on policy." "Last thing we need is a sexual harassment lawsuit." "Am I right, sweet cheeks?" "BARTENDER:" "Hi." "Can I get you something?" "Yes, I am celebrating a new job." "What's your most expensive drink?" "We have Pierre Benoit cognac for a thousand dollars a shot." "Good to know." "I'll have a light beer." "Hello, Alan." "Oh, hi." "Hi, Alan." "Oh, Bridget." "Hi." "Isn't this a happy coincidence, three of us running into each other?" "Listen, with all due respect, I have been instructed not to discuss any company business outside." "We wanna talk about business?" "Oh, come on." "I may have been born yesterday, but I was up late last night." "What does that even mean?" "It means...." "I don't know, I heard it in a movie." "May I help you ladies?" "I'll have a Pierre Benoit cognac." "Oh, make that two." "Separate checks." "Alan, isn't there any way we can work together on this board vote?" "I'm sorry, but I'm loyal to your son." "So am I." "I'm trying to protect him from himself." "And I would think an intelligent successful, good-looking man like you would see that." "Well, that's very flattering but I'm afraid you've overplayed your hand." "No one would call me successful." "Forget it, Robin." "I knew he wouldn't go for it." "I'll call you later." "Okay." "Well, we had to try." "I understand." "There's a lot of money at stake." "Mm." "That's what I always imagined Gisele Bündchen would taste like." "What do you say we forget about business and just enjoy the evening?" "Well, I'm all for enjoying the evening but your hand is on my business." "Would you like me to move it?" "Yes." "Slowly and in a circular fashion." "Hey." "Hey." "Where you been?" "Oh, just going out clothes shopping." "Can't be a corporate board member wearing khakis and a polo shirt I got at a swap meet from some dead guy's wife, right?" "Nice." "Is that Barneys?" "Sears." "What are you doing?" "I'm looking over this mobile gaming startup I wanna invest in when I get my company." "Right." "Right." "Oh, man, did you see the look on my mom's face when I sprung you on her?" "I actually wasn't looking at her face when I sprung." "And why do we even wanna invest in more companies?" "You've got more than you're gonna use." "So?" "So maybe it's time to move on you know, do something else." "Learn to dance." "When do you care about how I spend?" "Well, technically, it's the company's money." "I'm on the board, I have a fiduciary duty to the stockholders." "Fiduciary duty." "You're adorable." "I'm serious." "You need to slow down on the spending for your own good." "Wait a minute." "You haven't by chance been talking to my mother and my ex-wife, have you?" "[LAUGHS]" "What?" "Me?" "Talk?" "Them?" "What?" "If you're not gonna support me, there are other people to take your place and your stipend." "Now, hold on, I think I bring a unique skill set to the table." "You wanna be on the board of my company?" "Hell, yeah." "Oh, come on, I'm smarter than him." "Listen, Alan, I put you on the board of my company for a reason." "And I need to know you have my back." "Of course, I have your back." "What could possibly make me even consider betraying you?" "Great." "[SCOFFS]" "Certainly not some expensive cognac and a happy ending in the men's room." "So, Alan, are we all set for tomorrow's board meeting?" "Boy, I wanna say yes...." "What do you mean?" "I thought we had an understanding." "Gee, I wish I could say we do...." "Alan, sweetie, are you saying that we can't count on you?" "Gosh, I would love to say you can...." "I knew it." "Walden got to him." "Hang on, Bridget." "He's a reasonable man." "Right, Alan?" "Oh, that's not gonna work." "I masturbated three times before I got here." "Let's cut to the chase." "What would it take to make you change your mind?" "Oh, really?" "You wanna play that game?" "Okay." "How about a brand-new red Porsche?" "I just love being inside you." "Hi." "Oh!" "Hey, hi." "That's a nice car." "Oh, well, you know, that's what you get when you save your nickels." "That's 3 million nickels, Alan." "It's a lease?" "Is there something you wanna tell me about the board meeting?" "I'm weak." "I'm so very weak." "[WHIMPERING]" "It's okay." "That's why I chose you." "There's a motion on the table." "Shall Walden Schmidt be restored to president of Walden Loves Bridget Enterprises?" "After the meeting, I'm changing the name." "Thank you." "I vote nay." "Nay." "Aye." "Aye." "What?" "Are you kidding me?" "Okay, okay." "If it makes you feel any better, you're not the first women I've disappointed." "Here, you can have the car back." "It's out of gas." "And unfortunately, Robin, I can't return what you gave me but I really enjoyed it." "Oh, I should've known you had a hand in this." "All right, I use my founder's vote to break the tie." "I am reinstated as president, and as my first official act I would like to change the name of the company..." "...to Walden Loves Alan Enterprises." "Aww." "This meeting's adjourned." "Shall we?" "With pleasure." "Oh, it was lovely to see you again." "Walden Loves Alan, really?" "Hey, hey, hey." "As long as we're in the business of investing in high-tech ideas a while back  I invented a little chiropractic device that allows people..." "...to adjust their own backs." "No kidding." "Yeah, I called it Accu-Crack." "Catchy." "Only problem is, there's a caulking gun a reggae band and a porn site with the same name." "Why don't you just change the name?" "I would but I already printed out 30,000 brochures." "Tell me." "How does it work?" "Oh, really, really simple." "It's two hard rubber balls attached to a stick that you lay on and move up and down your spine." "How is that high-tech?" "Uh...." "We'd sell it over the Internet?" "Well, I'll certainly consider it." "Really?" "Please don't push this, Alan." "Oh, oh!" "As agreed upon." "Oh, is this what I think it is?" "Yeah, a deal's a deal." "I get your vote, get your name on the deed to the house." "Oh, my God." "Congratulations." "This mean I can borrow against it?" "No." "Sell it?" "No." "Have the big bedroom?" "No." "Can I tell women it's my house?" "Why would you stop now?" "Life is good." "Oh, oops." "Heh, heh." "[GASPS]" "Uh-oh." "Oh, crap, oh, crap, oh, crap." "Oh, crap, oh, crap." "[English" " US" " SDH]"