"Be honest." "You miss him." "Every day." "And so you came up with this... idea." "The frozen man." "He doesn't age." "He doesn't change." "You don't like change." "I'm okay with change." "Hon. Please." "You told me about your house." "You still have his voice on the answering machine, his clothes in the closet." "Can't I miss my husband?" "Dr. Bird, don't bullshit me." "You've been in my seat." "If I were sitting here right now telling you how my husband died 20 years ago and I haven't touched a thing, and not only, but I keep this fantasy alive that he isn't dead." "He's actually frozen in some kind of... cryogenic chamber." "He's coming back." "But you see it, right?" "How you're the one who's frozen?" "Tell me about your mother." "She died loading the dishwasher." "January 2nd, a Thursday." "I was five." "We were in the yellow house on Potsdamer Platz." "This was when Pops was stationed in Germany." "I'm in half pants and a dinosaur shirt playing with Silly Putty on the floor." "Remember how you could press it into the funnies in the newspaper and make a copy?" ""Marmaduke," etcetera." "9:15 in the morning." "It was raining." "Then it stopped and the sun came out." "And I'm pressing the Silly Putty into this paper on the floor." "This black and white linoleum in, like, a chevron pattern." "And the kitchen is warm from the steam when you open the dishwasher." "And she finished the plates, and took out the cutlery basket." "Did you know they called it that?" "A cutlery basket?" "No." "She's unloading the dinner dishes, singing along with the radio." ""99 Luftballons."" "She had a nice voice." "You spend a lot of time in this memory." "In the past." "I like to think I'm a time traveler." "I go back, back, back." "But all I can do is... watch." "You see how unhealthy that is, this attachment between you." "I know why you'd think that, but we're really..." " The same person." " Yeah." "Basically." "The way we move and how we..." "Finish each other's sentences almost." "Not that we're..." "I mean, I know we're not literally the same, like, sharing a body." "That'd be..." "We're not crazy." " We just really..." " Really like being together." "Or not like, but, um... what's it... who's it hurting?" " That's my..." " That's what I wanna know." "I'm sensing a lot of hostility." "Didn't you tell me... how you were the last boy in your class to mature?" "Your voice dropping." "The hair coming in down there." "It's not a race." "What a boy goes through." "His physical and emotional growth." "What matters is where you end up." "Do I seem like less than a man to you now?" "I'm just trying to help you see the truth." "This constant anger." "You feel isolated by the world, but it's not the world isolating you." "It's you." "Look, I know you're just... trying to help." "But it just doesn't, for some reason, feel real." "Talk about that." "I don't know." "There's a..." "Something's wrong." "Like a dream, you know?" "But not an interesting one." "More like the one where you're folding laundry." "Or eating." "Everything seems normal, but somehow you know." "Okay." "Well." "The old clock on the wall says it's time for your meds, so let's pick this up tomorrow." "Okay?" "Sydney Barrett, nurse's station." "This is warning number one." "29 you have, and 14 you have." "It's your serve." "Spot check." "Arms out." "Do we..." "I just..." "You know I can't stand to be touched." "There's a note in..." "It's just spit, right?" "Human spit?" "Maybe he ate yogurt." "Like a creamy..." "What's he on?" "Klonopin?" "Yeah, Klonopin'll..." "Or..." "Hold the phone." "Yogurt and Klonopin." "That'll... a cocktail." "Do you ever wonder what he was like before this place?" "Like, did he have a bank account or a girlfriend?" "Maybe he loved dogs." "Everybody loves dogs." "Not me." "I'm saying, who was he before... this?" "Who were you?" "Who was I?" "There is no before." "Not once the sickness starts." "That's the lie, the cruelest joke." "How somehow, with the right dosage, the right therapy, stand on one leg, touch your nose, we could all go back to... what?" "Loving dogs?" "20 bucks it breaks before it hits the floor." "It never breaks." "Never say never." "Hi." "There's pie at lunch." "I got an inside track." "Fish fingers, broccoli florets, and pie." "Cherry." "Paul knows this guy in the cafeteria." "That's..." "I know you love that." "Hey, did you guys notice there's a different door in the south hall?" "Different how?" "It's like a bedroom door, like from a..." "David, hey." "It's time for your session." "So how are you feeling?" "Good, you know." "I've been... much clearer actually." "I really feel like I've found myself here." "A rhythm." "A sense of peace." "Been reading a lot, painting." "And with Syd, how close we've gotten." "The world is starting to make sense." "Good." "And these issues you used to raise... feelings of separation, of difference from the rest of the world?" "Well, I have somebody now, you know?" "A relationship, and that..." "I don't know." "I just feel in control here." "Like, my expectations." "Like I'm not trying to bite off more than I can chew, but at the same time, I have so much more than..." "Do you ever worry you'll lose it?" "I-I used to." "All the time... think about the mirage, or how this feeling, clarity... how maybe that's just, you know, a symptom of the other side of the disease kicking in." " You're talking about mania." " Yes." "'Cause people always talk about the depression side, but it's the... the other side, that invulnerable feeling that's... that's dangerous." "I just don't wanna mess things up, you know?" "Now that I have balance." "Stop." " No pie for you." " What?" "Why?" " Here." "Take mine." " No." "Eat." "No." "Not if you can't have any." "Go ahead." "It's just pie." "There's bugs!" "Bugs!" "Bugs!" "You okay?" "Boo." "Jesus." "Are you allowed to be in here?" "Don't be a baby." "Move up." "What?" "Nothing." "I just... you ever have that feeling... like something's happened before?" "Except differently." "So... like déjà vu, but different." "Are you happy... here?" "Look at us." "Why wouldn't I be happy?" "I know." "But shouldn't we be trying to get better, get out?" "I'm no good at "out there."" "It's too much, it's too loud." "It's life." "What life is." "Well, the last time I tried "life,"" "I ended up with an extension cord around my neck, so..." "I'm not saying..." "I know it's not gonna be easy, but come on." "You can't stay here forever popping pills five times a day." "First, I'm down to twice a day." "And second, maybe... who knows?" "Maybe they'd give us our own room." "We could be together." "You know, simple, just..." "just living day by day." "Until what?" "Osteoporosis?" "You really want to grow old in a mental hospital?" "Die here, surrounded by..." "What?" "The other freaks?" "Maybe we should." "Maybe we belong here." "Lenny..." "Dr. Busker, she says that not everyone is cut out for real life, the grind of it." "And me with my sensitivity..." "I need the routine, the grounding." "I-I'm good." "I can't stay here." "Not even for me?" "Abilify." "Brintellix." "Chlorpromazine." "Duloxetine." "Escitalopram." "Such a beautiful day." " Flupentixol." " That's an injectable." "Have you ever seen a sky so blue?" "It can also be a tablet." "I'll allow it." "Geodon." "We're exercising our minds." "Yeah, I see that." "Sorry." "I didn't sleep well." "Is it the dream again?" "I'm in a room that's not a room..." "Full of people I can't see." "And there's this feeling, like we're already dead." "We just don't know it." "Clozapine." " Or Effexor in large doses." " Yeah." "I personally dreamed of a a very large ice cube, which, um, you know, I could kill for, like, a lemonade." "A nice, frosty..." "Mine was..." "Wait." "Do you remember that old movie, "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea"?" " Melanie?" " What?" " What do you dream about?" " Love." "Have you guys noticed a door in the hall?" "It's not always there." "So where is it?" "When it's not there, I mean." " Exactly." " What?" "How can a door be there and not be there at the same time?" "Alternate dimensions, perhaps." "Or physical displacement rooted in four-dimensional geometry." "Or simpler still, the subject, you, confusing one hallway with another." "I'm not making it up." "No one said "Making up."" ""Confusing" is what I said, as in the interchangeability of the hallways and how one memory could be confused with another memory." "No." "This is something else." "Hold that thought." "I have to go to the..." "little boy's room." "Uncle!" " Ooh, uncle!" "It's me." " Sorry." "That's quite a grip you've got there." "I'll be right next door, okay?" "If you get scared, just knock on the wall." "Affirmative." "Namaste." "Hello." "Hello." "Guttentag?" "Buenos tardes." "Konnichi wa?" "I'm... is this... am I dreaming?" "I..." "I-I saw an ice cube, like a huge..." "Can you take me there?" "Maybe..." "Maybe what?" "Well, I was thinking about that door, and how it's there sometimes and not other times." "And how..." "I didn't tell you this, but I heard banging inside, like someone wanted to get out." "Except nobody else..." "And then I thought, you know I've had that feeling for weeks of how sometimes this place just doesn't seem real." "And in this book I'm reading about dream states and memory palaces, and this idea of how maybe this place, the hospital, maybe it's a version of reality." "And not reality itself." " What?" " Just be careful." " What do you mean?" " Nothing." "It's..." "Just, with your diagnosis and the things you're saying," "I would hate them to find out and up your meds." "What do you mean?" "What do imaginary doors have to do with not wanting to be touched?" "What do you mean touched?" "You know, my thing." "How I don't like to be touched." "How it hurts me." "Well, um..." "That's not... you're in here because of, well, the delusional thinking, right?" "Seeing things that aren't real." "No." "That's you." "Me?" "No, I'm manic depression." "Sad, happy." "Sad, happy." "Just more so." "Remember?" "All the stories, awake for 72 hours straight, the frantic alphabetizing and then I tied a knot." "What are you talking about?" "You're schizophrenic." "I have an antisocial personality disorder." " Schizo?" " I'm not..." "I don't have crazy thoughts." "You're the..." "I just don't wanna..." "why are you saying that?" "You're right..." "I'm..." "I must have gotten..." " David." " Look, I'm sorry." "You're much, much better." "And I shouldn't have... it's like..." "Dr, Busker said it's like how you're not supposed to wake a sleep walker, but I mean, I just wanna make sure that you're not... because I know when I start to turn," "when the sad lifts and the manic comes on, you know, at first, it feels good." "You know, like I have more energy, I feel more positive." "David, I'm not psychotic." "No, I never said... baby, please." "You are so much better than when you first..." "I mean, they had you in straps." "Remember?" "Raving and violent." "So just, for me, just... just take some deep breaths, okay?" "It's just a hospital." "All the doors are hospital doors." "I'm..." "I gotta go." "Syd." "Syd!" "Wait!" "Syd!" "I... killed your friend..." "Wanna be my girlfriend?" "Hey, gorgeous!" "I'm the magic man." " Sydney?" " Hey." "What are you doing out here?" "It's after hours." "I'm sorry." "I was just on my way back from the bathroom." "Do you like music?" "Music?" "I've had a lot of luck lately with music therapies." "Patients find it very calming." "Yeah, I like music, but I was just... it's bedtime and all that." "It's okay." "Go ahead." "Go ahead." "Put 'em on." "It's beautiful." "What is it?" "Crickets." "Crickets?" "Just listen." "Cary?" "And when spring comes, the baby birds must leave the nest." "Did you see... is Cary... is he out there?" ""What big eyes you have," says the wolf." "I... stop I have to find..." "I have to find him." "Young." "Not too young." "Careful." "I bite." "Me too." "Don't." "Did you ever eat an animal that was still living?" "There's a... smell." "A heat." "You're burning up." "Cary!" "Cary!" "You can run, my love." "But there's just no place to go." "Nobody wants you here." "What?" "I said you're unwanted." "I have friends." "They only pretend to like you." "See?" "You know I'm right." "Your whole life you've felt it." "You're a freak." "You're disgusting." "We adopt you because we have to, but deep down, it's all we can do to keep from puking whenever you're around." "Stop!" "What's that, my love?" "Yes." "I-I'm here." "I've waited." "Yes, I-I understand." "I-I'm on my way." "I don't understand." "Why can't you just talk to me?" "Hello, David." "Our session's not until the morning." "I know, I just... have you seen Syd?" "Have I seen her?" "No." "But it is a locked ward." "So she shouldn't be too hard to find..." " I've looked everywhere." " Sit." "Please." "I'm starting to wonder if she's really the right girl for you." "What do you... we're in love." "Do you know what love is?" "A chemical." "Electrons in your brain sending signals." "Are you familiar with Ophiocordyceps unilateralis?" "It's a fungus that infects ants." "It's amazing, really." "The spores take over their central nervous systems and force them to climb to a high point, and then the fungus begins to grow up, bursting from the tops of their heads like a branch." "And it kills them, of course." "All so it can spray new spores over the jungle, infecting more ants." "When people say love, that's what I think of." "A simple "I haven't seen her" was all I..." "Tell me, what is the point of all of this love?" "All the striving, the friendships." "I mean, what is the fucking point of babies?" " You mean life?" " Yes, life." "What is the point of life?" "All of you running around trying to what?" "Be happy?" "Fulfilled?" "You tell me." "I'll say this." "There's only one being in the vast multiplicity of space that matters." "God." "And do you know why God matters?" "Power." "That is the point of what you call life." "The only point." "Power." "Walter understands." "David..." "I knew your father, did you know that?" " My..." " Your real father." "The guy that gave you away?" "I know." "Boo-hoo." "Talk about an asshole." "Always acting so holy and then gives away his only son." "Stop." "Stop." "He thought he could hide you from me, but he was wrong." "I found you." "Such a sweet little baby and me, your very own walking, talking fungus." "What do you he'll say..." "When he finds out?" "I'm trying to help you, kid." "Come on." "Man, you have so much potential." "You're much more powerful than I ever imagined." "I mean, I figured I'd just poison you and move on, but then I thought our powers together, man!" "That'll... a cocktail!" "Shit, we could give God a run for his money, right?" "But then all this love bullshit." "I'm beginning to think I have to go it alone." "Do you know what happens to you in the scenario?" " Doctor.." " Please." "Lenny." "Come on." "We've known each other since the womb." "What did you do to Syd?" "Shut up!" "I tried making you comfortable." "I let you have your friends, your woman." "But the fact is it's too much work." "And honestly, all I need from you is your body." "And your mind, well..." "I could give a shit about your mind."