"Jelly, jelly, jelly" "Jelly stays on my mind" " Hello, son." " Who are you?" "Billy Eckstine?" "Say, what's that on you?" "You smell like a lemon." "I know that." "I just got through taking one of them bubbly lemon baths... and I sprayed on some of that new lemon spray cologne." "What's with this sudden desire to turn yourself into a lemon?" "Well, that way the ladies can sniff me and squeeze me simultaneously." "You gonna tell me the rest?" "Like why you smell the way you do... and why this place is all flowered up, or should I guess?" "No, I'll tell you." "Sit down, son." "It's a long story." "Well, could you make it a short one?" "I got a date, and I want to take a bath." "Well, you gotta wait anyway 'cause I used all the hot water." "Sit down." "That's just great." "Now what am I supposed to do?" "Just pretend that you're in Sweden." "You know, in Sweden they take cold baths and beat each other with switches." "Never mind." "Who's coming here tonight?" "Well, I got a call from an old girlfriend." "I mean, not just a girlfriend." "She could've been your mother... if she hadn't been so headstrong and had such a bad temper." "Well, how come you're going through all these changes about her coming here... if she was so headstrong and had such a bad temper?" "Well, you know what they say..." ""Fine wine mellows with age. "" "And if she was fine then, by now she must be like imported muscatel." "Right." "Well, I'm gonna take a bath, Pop." "Wait a minute." "Let me finish telling you about her." "See, her name is Juanita, and she got Spanish blood in her." "And she always used to have a rose between her teeth." "I guess it was kind of hard for her to eat that way, wasn't it?" "No, she was a dancer." "I mean, she could really hoof." "You know what I mean?" "She was the best dance partner I ever had." "We used to win all the prizes." "I remember one time I pulled Juanita through my legs like this... pulled her up and threw her over Count Basie's band." "We won first prize that night... two tickets to Green Pastures." "I took your mother to see that." "You took Mom?" "How come you didn't takeJuanita?" "She was in traction." "So your old girlfriend and dance partner is coming to see you, huh?" "Well, you don't need me around." "Anyway, I got a date, Pop." "Yeah, I don't need you." "Two is company, and three is definitely a crowd." "Maybe we can figure out some of them old dance steps we used to do." "Say, Pop, whatever you do, don't try to throw her over your back." "'Cause at your age, the first prize for that is a truss." "I'm going upstairs to take a bath." "That's Juanita now." "Come over here and say hello toJuanita." "Oh, man." "Fred Sanford!" "Steady Freddy!" "Juanita, my old dancing partner." "Shall we?" "Why not?" "Oh, Fred, you always did look like Valentino when you danced." "Yeah, me and the Sheik." "Lamont, this is Juanita Grismoore." "How do you do?" "This is my daughter Alice." " Alice, this is my son Lamont." " How do you do?" "My goodness." "You look like a portrait of your mother." "But you do have your father's eyes." "Those devilish eyes." "My mother's talked so much about you over the years, Mr. Sanford." " I feel as if I know you." " Just call me Fred, honey." " Okay, Fred." " And, Lamont, you can call meJuanita." "Huh?" "Oh, yeah, right." "Everything seems to be nice and friendly." "What do you say we sit down?" " Oh, good." " Come, darling." "You know, Fred, Mother still has the trophy that the two of you won." "She treats it like it was an Academy Award." " Hey, I dance myself, you know." " Oh, really?" "I can do the Robot, the Good Foot, the Booty Bump, the Crutch and the Hip." "That don't sound like no dance." "That sounds like a serious accident." "You're just old-fashioned." "Why don't you go get that stuff I got chilling in the refrigerator... and let us all have a bit of the bubbly?" "Ooh!" "Champagne!" "No, soda and ripple." "Go get it, son." "No, wait." "Mother, I think we'd better get that light fixed." "'Cause we're gonna get stopped tonight if we don't get that light fixed." "Oh, yes." "One of our headlights is out." "Well, you better get it fixed, 'cause it's death on a nigger with one light." "If you got one light, you better be on a motorcycle." "I'm not kidding." "You go down there to traffic court... and you sit around there and see so many brothers and sisters... you'd think you're at an NAACP rally." "Well, we'd better get it fixed then." "Is there a garage nearby?" "Well, if Lamont didn't have a date, he could get it fixed in a minute." "No, that was nothing, Pop." "It was just with the guys." "I can take your car down to Pete's Garage and have it back in 15 minutes." "I'd be glad to do it." "Oh, thank you." "That's very sweet of you." " Would you like to come along?" " Why don't you, honey?" "That'll give Fred and I a chance to get reacquainted." "And while they're reminiscing, maybe we could spend the evening together... you know, take in a movie, do a little dancing, have a couple of burritos." "Oh, wow!" "That really sounds great." "Yeah?" "I don't have to change, do I?" "'Cause I look a little shabby." " Oh, no." "I think you look sexy." " I do?" "Yes, you do." "It's that wild, rumpled look that spells S-E-X." "In my day, that wild, rumpled look would spell B-U-M." "Well..." "let's andiamo." "That's Italian for "let's split. "" "Oh, you speak Italian?" "Well, in my line of work you gotta be familiar with quite a few languages." "Yeah." "So you can know what people are calling you." "Come on." "Well, Juanita... what do you say that I fix us a little liquid refreshment?" " Oh, I'll help you." " Yeah." " You have some nice things here, Fred." " Yeah, I coordinate all this myself." " Nice." " Sit right down there, honey." " Thanks." " I'll get some nice stuff here." "You know, Juanita, you sure look good." "Even after all these years, you look good." "You've been taking care of yourself, haven't you?" "I try." "And you look wonderful too, Fred." "Well, I try too, myself." "Hey, we'll drink to the good old days." " Oh, yes." " Yes, yes." " Put a little soda in there?" " Yeah, a little soda." " All right." " Make it fizzy." "Hey, do you remember the good old days?" "Hold tight, hold tight Fish is my favorite dish" "Yes, Fred, you've still got it." "Yeah, and I'm gonna keep it till somebody come and take it away." "I mean... a handsome man like you is very eligible." "Why hasn't some girl caught you yet?" "Isn't there somebody?" " Well, yes and no." " What does that mean?" "Well, yes, I'm handsome and eligible... and no, she ain't caught me yet." "I'm free as a bird." "And what about you?" "How does your husband like Washington, D. C?" " What's his name?" "Gerard?" " Gerald has passed on." "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that." "Yes, Gerald has passed." "I've come here to settle his estate." "Estate?" "I thought Gerald was a janitor at a mental institution." "No!" "Now, where did you hear a thing like that?" "Gerald was a consulting psychiatrist, and a very good one too." "What happened..." "one of his patients... a pyromaniac who was progressing beautifully... had a slight setback and set the hospital on fire." "And when Gerald tried to save him, well, let's just say he died a hero." "Then you're free as a bird too, ain't you?" "Yes, I am." "Ain't nothin' like two free birds... you know, gettin' together over a glass of ripple, is there?" "No, there sure ain't." "Listen." "I'm glad to hear that Gerald left you well off... you know, with the estate and all." "Yes, quite well off, I might add." "But nothing takes the place of a man to help you raise a daughter." "Yeah, you definitely got to have that around." "Have you been looking?" "I didn't have to look, Fred." "He was there all the time." "What do you mean?" "I always knew it was just a matter of time... and everything would work itself out right in the end." "What are you talkin' about?" " I'm talkin' about Alice." " Alice?" "What about Alice?" "Gerald went to his grave knowing Alice wasn't his daughter." "Oh." "Well, wasn't his daughter?" "Well, whose daughter is she?" "You don't know, Fred?" "Alice is our daughter." "What?" "Didn't you get a good look at her?" "Didn't you notice the same color and the same devilish eyes?" "The same pouty look around the mouth?" "Fred, Alice is your daughter." "What are you talkin' about?" "That's impossible." "Fred, don't you remember the night of the Harvest Moon Ball?" " Remember what?" " Don't you remember..." "Tutti Frutti" "Yeah, yeah, I remember!" "If Alice is our daughter..." "Oh, I think I'm havin' a big one!" "If Alice is our daughter, then Lamont is out with his sister!" "What you want Baby, I got it" "Hey, Pop." " I said good morning, Pop." " Morning, son." "You're up awfully early." "Didn't you sleep well last night?" "Not a wink." "I got a lot of stuff on my mind." " I was tossing and turning all night." " Oh, yeah?" "Well, I slept like a baby." "You know what I'm gonna do?" "I'm gonna fix myself a huge breakfast, and then I'm gonna fix you one too." "What do you want, Pop?" "It's my turn this morning." "Say, Lamont, I didn't hear you come in last night." "Yeah, well, I was out pretty late, Pop." "Alice and I was out walkin' until real late." "Yeah, son, that's it." "You and her just keep walkin' all the time." "I mean... just walk all the time." "You know, Pop, there ain't no smog between 1:00 and 3:00 in the morning." "It's the best time to go walking." "We had two burritos and a Fat Burger under the Watts Towers." "Son, sit down." "There's something I want to tell you." "There's something I want to tell you too, Pop." "Listen." "You remember that movie The Godfather?" " Yeah." " Well, you remember that scene... where this dude took one look at this chick and fell in love with her?" "They called it getting hit by the thunderbolt." " Yeah." " That's what happened with Alice." " Listen." "That's impossible." " Why?" "Because in that movie The Godfather, all them people were Italians." "Only Italians have thunderbolts." "That's just another way of saying "love at first sight. "" "That's all." "And that's what it was with Alice..." "love at first sight." " Listen, son, you got to give her up." " Give her up?" "Why?" " Well, it just won't work out." " But why?" "Because if I was to marryJuanita and you was to marry Alice..." "Juanita would be my wife, your stepmother and mother-in-law... and Alice would be my daughter and stepdaughter." "That's just too damn much family in this little house." "You're wasting your time, Pop, but I think you'll get used to the idea." "If you'll excuse me, I'm gonna fix myself some breakfast." "I'll get that." " Who is it?" " It's Alice." "The thunderbolt." "Hi, beautiful." "Yeah, I had a good time." "Hey, what's up?" "Oh, that sounds terrific." "I'd love to." "Okay." "I'll see you then." "Bye, beautiful." "That was Alice." "She and her mother are gonna come over, cook dinner and serve it to us tonight." " They are?" " I just might pop the question tonight." " I mean, why wait?" " You can't do that!" "Why not?" "I love her!" "You can't propose to a girl and say, "I love you." "Would you be my sister?"" "Listen, Pop, in the first place, you and Juanita aren't married yet." "And even if you do, that's not gonna stop me." "Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna fix myself some breakfast." "A hundred million women in this country... and the dummy had to fall in love with his sister." "You're early, aren't you?" "I'm not finished dressing." "Neither is Pop." "Well, you just take your time." "Alice and I will go get started." "You sure you don't want me to help you?" "You know, show you where everything is?" "No, we'll find it." "You go finish dressing." "I had a nice time last night." "Did you?" "At first I couldn't get to sleep, 'cause I had this warm feeling around my heart." "Do you think it was the burritos?" "I know what it was, and I want to talk to you about it a little later." " But right now I gotta go change." " Okay." " I'll go help Mother fix dinner." " All right." "How about a little sugar for the first course?" "Oh, my!" "Well, baby, start getting used to saying "Papa Fred. "" " You're that sure of him?" " Honey, all I got to do is reel him in." "I wonder if that smoking jacket gonna fit Fred." " Do you think he'll like it?" " Oh, I'm sure he will." "That was a good move on my part, you know?" " Why do you say that?" " When a woman's trying to hook a man... she's got to use just the right bait." "Now, between that jacket and this food, well..." "All you have to do is reel him in." "Alice, there's something that I want to ask you." " See, I feel..." " Jelly, jelly, jelly" "There's your father." " Jelly stays on my mind" " What are you wearing?" "What's it look like?" "It's a smoking jacket." "You got something to smoke?" "Fred, look at you!" "You take me back 20 years." "That jacket was made for you!" "I look good enough to be in the centerfold in Ebony, don't I?" "You really do." "You really do." "Well, everybody sit down." "Dinner is ready." "Yeah, well, let's eat." "Alice, you sit over here by me, honey." "Lamont, you sit over there." "And you sit between..." " Why don't you sit over here?" " No." "I always sit here." "I always sit facing the door in my favorite chair." "I don't sit with my back to the door." "I'm just likeJesseJames." "All right." "You sit wherever you want to sit." "After all, you're the man of the house." "I'll go get the food." "Wait a minute, honey." "Everything smells so good." " What is it?" " Well, first we're gonna have soup." "From the greens I took the tenderest leaves... and with chunks of pork and onions, simmered it very slowly." "Then I poured the liquid into two warm bowls... and let it sit for two minutes before serving." "I call it "soup a la collards. "" "Oh, pot liquor." "I'll tell you what to do." "You give me some of them tender leaves from the collards... and a couple of chunks of that pork... and let me taste them fellas." "Anything you say, Fred." "Alice, aren't you gonna help your mother?" "Why don't you come and give me a hand in the kitchen?" "It'll be more fun." "Please?" "All right." "Look here, Juanita, we ain't had too much chance to talk." " Do you know what's happening?" " What?" "Lamont kissed Alice last night." "Did you hear me?" "Lamont kissed his sister." "I know, Fred." "Alice told me all about it." "It was just a brother/sister type kiss." "No, no, no." "Lamont is serious." "He said, "This is it. " You don't "this is it" with your sister." "Don't worry about it, Fred." "I'll handle it." "Now, will you help me carry dinner in before the peas get cold?" "You cute devil." "Well, here it is, all nice and hot." "I want you to try this salad dressing I made special." "That's enough." "Tell me if you like that." "You too." "A little bit there." "Mmm, this food is good!" "You really outdid yourself this time, Mama." "Thank you." "Do you like it, Fred?" " Do you like it?" " Oh, yeah." "This is delicious." " Good." " Alice, can you cook like this?" "Oh, no." "I never learned to cook like Mother." "In other words, if a man's gonna be around you... he'd have to learn how to eat them TV dinners, huh?" "Cooking isn't everything, Fred." "If a man really loved Alice... he wouldn't care if she could cook or not." "That's right." "Young people don't care nothin' about food." "Love is more important." " I give a marriage like that one month." " Why?" "Because that's about enough time to spend gettin' fed up... on eatin' TV dinners and eatin' pork and beans and love." "And I'll tell you another reason why it won't work..." " We'll talk about that some other time." " No." "I want to talk about it now." "Fred, I said we'll talk about that some other time!" "You don't tell me what I can talk about..." "You don't tell me what I can talk about in my own house." "Don't you point your finger at my nose, Fred Sanford!" "I'll point my finger at your nose... and I'll point my foot somewhere else in a minute." "You see?" "The same!" "Nothing has changed." "The same crude manners." "The same fighting' fists." "And you still got the same bad temper and the same big, fat mouth." " You junk man!" " You battle-ax!" "Are you gonna sit there and watch your father insult my mother?" "Are you gonna stand there and let your mother insult my father?" " What are you, a spineless creep?" " Who are you calling a creep?" " Yeah, who are you calling a creep?" " You're both a pair of creeps!" "Listen." "How would both of you like one across the lips?" "Yeah." "I got two hands for two pair of lips." "Alice, come on." "Let's get out of here right this minute." " Out of this dump!" " That's right." "Get out of this dump." "And stay out of this dump." "And here, take this faggoty jacket with you!" "Now I know where my daughter get her qualities from." "She get her good looks from me and her bad temper from you!" "Are you kiddin'!" "Did you really believe Alice was your daughter?" " Did you really believe that?" " That's what you told me, witch." "That's what I told you 'cause I had something else in my mind at the time." "Alice is Gerald's daughter... and she looks more like him dead than she ever would look like you alive!" "Now I know why that psychiatrist janitor got burned to death." "He got too close to your fiery tongue." "It's a good thing I'm a church member." "Don't feel bad, son." "You found out just in the nick of time." "I don't understand it." "One minute she was sweet, and the next minute..." "Yeah, the thunderbolt turned into a volcano." " You told me I should wait." " Yeah, I told you." "She couldn't dance." "She couldn't cook." "What was so special about her?" "I don't know." "And she had bad legs." "She had them thick ankles." " Her ankles were thick like stumps." " Yeah." "I bet even sometimes they swell up bigger, like tree stumps." "I bet dogs would've followed her anywhere." "Hey, you know what, Pop?" "She had a bad habit of sucking her teeth." "She ate two Fat Burgers, and she was..." "You know, that's terrible, them teeth suckers." " They even do that stuff at night." " I know." "And you'll be sleeping." "They'll keep you up all night." "And did you see her eyes?" "She had them funny looking eyes." "Yeah, she had them banjo eyes." "She had them eyes like they got in the funny paper..." "Moon Mullins." "He said, "I'd like you to meet my wife, Moon Mullins. "" ""How do you do, Miss Moon." "Would you stop sucking your teeth?"" "Hey, Pop, it looks like the thunderbolt turned out to be a drizzle." "Yeah, and Juanita turned out to be a fizzle." " Yeah, drizzle and fizzle!" " Drizzle and fizzle!" "Sanford and Son is recorded on tape before a live studio audience."