"Right.., I call this Dibley Parish Council meeting to order." "Item 1:" "Do we have any apologies?" "No-no-no-no-no-no, yes." "Yes, Jim?" "No-no-no, yes." "I'm sorry I missed the bridge evening yesterday." "No, you don't have to apologise for that, Jim." "No-no-no-no-no-no." "I WANT to!" "No." "I mean, "Apologies", mean you only have to apologise for not being HERE." "But I AM here." "Bu-bu-but I could go away, if you like... and then come back and apologise for not bein' here next time." "Moving on." "Item Two: -mindless vandalism." "As you probably know, we have an outbreak of graffiti in the village." "Oh, yes, I saw that." "I don't think you're a prat, Mr Horton." "No one said a was." "Yes, some bugger wrote, "Mr Horton is a total prat"" "on the scout hall wall.." "We also seem to have acquired a village pus office." "Are you keeping up, Frank?" "Yes. "Horton's a total prat!"" "Well, let's just keep an eye out for then, shall we..." "Especially the little bastard who's tampered with the sign for the "Tuck Shop"." "Right.., moving on." "Er, hu, hr..hr ....-"Tuck Shop"" "Sorry I'm late everyone." "...I've been reading a very interesting theory about St John's Gospel." "Apparently, it was written by someone called Susan.." "..Amazing!" "Do continue.." "I'm sorry to report that last night's bridge evening, wich Frank arranged, was a disaster." "However, there was an exception, this village is known for it's community spirit, and we will have the opportunity to demonstrate that again, at the autumn fair which "I".., shall be organising." "And I'm confident that we can equal last year's record of £270." "Yes, yes." "Is that all you got?" "I've seen BRAS that cost more than that." "It's not Live Aid." "We did just dip below the £60 million mark last time!" "The woman's right." "All that effort for 200 quid." "I propose we all bung in 40 quid now and forget the whole thing." "It does bring the village together." "Brings it together, thinking-, "What a pain in the arse this is!"" "No, no, I'm all in favour of the fair." "I just think we just need it to make more cash." "Does Sir Geraldine Geldof have any ideas how to raise our first mill..?" "Well, let's start at the top." "The crucial thing is who opens it." "Yes!" "If you start off with a pompous nobody, you're doomed." "I bet you were scuppered last year by a complete local zero." "Can anyone remember who it was?" "It was me." ""David - a pompous nobody."" "We'd probably pull a bigger crowd with someone famous." "Churchill!" "Oh, yes...." "Winston Churchill." "He's very famous." "I was thinking of someone still alive." "Yes, smart thinking, Top Cat." "Like a television personality." "Oh!" "You mean..." "Michael Fish?" "Well, perhaps David IS the perfect choice after all." "NO, you have made it quite clear that I am not good enough." "I'm sure that Mr Fish or his celebrity friends," "Mr Vegetable or Mrs Potato, ...will be happy to oblige." "If there is no other business?" "We meet in a fortnight." "Goodnight." "What about Jack from House Of Elliot?" "He's pretty cool." "Yeah...." "I'd like Daniel Day Lewis but maybe old boyfriends aren't a good idea." "You could try "Edd the Duck"?" "He's pretty charismatic." "Yes....!" "What I have given the people of this village!" "Yes..." "You gave them dysentery last year when that slurry fell in the river." "I've given them everything.." "A cup for the flower show." ""The David Horton cup"." "A bench for the green." ""The David Horton bench"." "A hut for the scouts." "The scout hut," ""Dedicated to David Horton."" "And what did I got out of it..." "NOTHING!" "I even provided the land for the bowling club." "A crucial village amenity!" "And what did I get in return?" "Money, wasn't it?" "Still this big celebrity is pretty exciting, isn't it?" "I wonder who she'll get?" "Mel Gibson?" "Kevin Costner?" "Princess Diana?" "So Babs just isn't available at all?" "What about the other Beverley Sisters?" "Sorry?" "Babs' daughter could do it?" "No, no, I'm sure she'd be perfect!" "Is she a singer?" "Chiropodist." "Well, that doesn't necessarily matter, does it?" "." "I'm sure she'll be lovely." "Will you Excuse me a moment..." "What am I saying?" ".." "I'm getting excited by the chiropodist daughter of a Beverley Sister!" "No, no, no, no....." "Hello again." "I'll have to consult with my committee and get back to you." "Out of interest, what does she charge?" "Uh-huh." "And that is for the full massage?" ".." "Excellent." "Lovley." "Thanks." "Bye-bye." "Oh...." "Afternoon, Vicar." "Oh, hello." "Have you got a lovely guest star yet?" "Not as such, ..no." "Don't worry." "I had a dream - an angel told me this fair would be wonderful." "Alice, sweetheart, an angel told you Prince Charles was gonna marry Sinead O'Connor." "I think that might be quite a naughty angel." "But I am gonna help..." "SO hard." "Oh?" "..." "Look." "Oh..." "I've made some soft toys to sell." "Ah..." "Right, well," "This one's an elephant, look, you can see it is..." "Yes." "It's a lovely elephant." "And this is another elephant." "Right..." "They don't look very, VERY similar, do they?" "Well they wouldn't, cos that one's an Indian elephant." "Right..." "You can tell by the ears." "Yes, Because it's got three, hasn't it?" "That's its trunk, silly!" "Oh...." "Now, THAT is a super elephant, with a proper trunk and everything." "That's a giraffe." "That's its neck." "What do you stuffed it with, foam?" "No, pasta." "Pasta?" "Yeah." "I cooked it first, you know.., so it's all nice and squashy but they can still stand up and everything." "Sort of." "Alice..," "Listen, I don't think you been reading your Epistles properly, have you?" "." "Because in St Paul's letter to the Ephesians, he destinctly says," ""My brothers, I ask of you only two things." "First, love the Lord" ""and second, stop using pasta in your soft toys."" "No, no.." "Come on, come on." "I've an idea." "Why don't we just sell these, and not tell people what they are?" "Let's say they're creatures from another planet." "Hey!" ".." "We can give the planet a name." "Yeah....." "The "Planet Elephant"!" "Yeah." "Or not." "I'll put the kettle on." "Good afternoon Vicar." "Hello, David." "Come in." "And Hugo, looking virtually edible in that radical new jacket." "Really?" "I didn't know that flirting was taught at theological colleges?" "O' yeah, It's the hole second year." "I need to put your star guest in the village newsletter." "Not having difficulties I hope?" "Well, yes, actually." "I had three of the Nolans in the palm of my hand..." "Oh, dear." "I am mortified." "I had such hi hopes." "The thought of Michael Fish " "Michael Fish!" "The Fishster - in our little village!" "Did you know the vicar, once went out with Daniel Day Lewis?" "No, I didn't!" "Yeah." "But apparently, they split up." "Well, no wonder he looks so skinny and decided to become a Mohican." "Yeah." "It must be terrible.." "n-not to be with the..." "the woman you l-love." "Oh, yeah." "Terrible that, innit?" "I know someone who knows Debbie McGee's gardener." "Would he be big enough..?" "Come along, Hugo." "Sorry, Father." "Bye, Vicar." "Bye." "Trouble is, I don't know anyone famous." "Join the club." "The only showbiz person I know is my second cousin." "But I havent seen him since I was four." "His name's Reg Dwight." "His mum, right, got cross at me once because I pulled his hair to stop him playin' the piano and a whole handful came out." "Reg Dwight..." "We called him Baldy!" "We stopped seeing that side of the family." "Reg Dwight" "Alice." "Mm?" "I think it's time you contacted your little cousin." "Oh, all right." "It would be nice to see old specky four-eyes again." "Now, Look." "You mean he turned into Elton John?" "!" "YE-E-E-E-ES!" "God's path is for walking, Alice!" "Yes, Mrs Cropley." "He's written back!" "He's gonna come!" "Sad, isn't it, when people fail?" "They have their little dreams and just don't quite make it." "Jeremy Bates, Graham Taylor, our vicar." "You don't think she's found anyone?" "Hugo.." "Our vicar has as many connections with the rich and famous as I have with the Black Panther movement!" "Mark my word, they'll soon be begging me to open the fair!" "Elton John!" "That's pretty good, isn't it, Father?" "Elton John!" "Hello, Handsome." "David, how are you?" "In perfect health." "We're hunky-dory here." "It seemed to me that she lived her life like a candle in the wind." "No-no-no-no-no no doubt about that." "He's a jolly good name." "I love to take the credit but It's all down to lovely Alice." "Three cheers for Alice." "We won't let the sun go down on HER." "I'm running my own stall, too." "Creatures from the planet Elton." "Good Lord, That looks like an Indian elephant." "Oh, does it?" "What about you, Jim?" "Got a stall?" "No-no-no-no-no." "NO" "I'm doing the loud-speaking announcements." "I forget who did it last time." "At least this year we've got a professional judge doin' the flowers instead of some awful amateur." "Who was it last time?" "Right." "I'll let you get on with it then." "Come on, Hugo." "Comming father." "Great giraffe, too." "Brilliant, just leaving out the head." "Ah." "Now, Vicar, I've heard about these rock star types." "I'm afraid he'll be expectin' someone to supply some drugs." "Ye-es." "Problem is, I've been asking down the pub, and no-one seems to have any heroin." "D'you think Night Nurse will do?" "Absolutely." "Works every time." "Good thinking, Owen." "Intolerable!" "Why aren't you in bed?" "It's a last minute ide'a a had." "We're having a fashion parade at the end of the fete." "People have to come as characters from Elton John's songs." "Oh., look at Mrs C!" "Am I mistaken or did Mr John write a song about Danny La Rue?" "No..," " Marilyn Monroe." "It seemed to him, she lived her life like a candle in the wind," "never knowing who to cling to when the rain set in." "I think you'll find, David, that Jim's our star turn." "Come in, Jim Trott!" "A skinhead!" "# Saturday night's all right for fighting!" "#" "Yes,.." "Well,.." "Much as I'd like to dress up as someone who's had their brain surgically removed, Vicar." "I'm afraid you will find that myself and Hugo, will not have time to join in this particular piece of.. "high-class" entertainment." "Hugo!" "Get it?" "I-I'm Dorothy." ""Wizard of Oz"." ""Goodbye Yellow Brick Road"." "I-I borrowed one of Alice's dresses." "Sorry, Father." "He should be here in a minute." "Ooh..., I cant wait.." "Eyes closed." "Oh, OK." "Keep 'em closed." "Yep." "Oh!" "Can't see very well." "Right...." "..Open!" "He gonna love thise, he wears thise sort of things all the time." "I know!" "..." "Perfect, aren't they!" "He's here!" "AAH!" "..." "AAH!" "...." "Ssh!" "Ssh!" "Ah!" "Ah!" "Ssh!" "Well.., ..obviously not." "Ooh..." "Loo!" "..." "Hi, Elton." "Elton, hi." "Hello." "I believe you're expecting me." "..." "Reg Dwight?" "HA, HA, HA, HA, HA!" "'No-no-no-no-no-no parking is allowed on the upper field." "'No-no-no-no-no refreshments will be available in the refreshment tent.'" "Well!" "Tremendous to see you, ..Reg .." "Dwight." "I'll tell you, this will be a day I'll never forget." "Yes.., I think It's gonna stick in my memory, too....." "Seein' little Alice after all these years." "Yes." "She'll come round soon." "Probably It's just the thrill of seeing you again, .." "Reg .." "Dwight." "I'd better just help her up." "Come on, clever Alice from such a tight-knit family." "Head between your legs, dear." "It's an honour to be asked to open the fair." "I've only ever opened a window before." "You?" "Never asked for open a fair?" "Unbelievable!" "..." "A mad world, isn't it?" "Nuts!" "Well.., except for once.., and it turned out, they didn't really wanted me at all." "They wanted Elton John you see..." "Cos his name, ...used to be ...Reg Dwight." "I didn't know that!" "Still, I see, you like old Elton." "Yes, yes..." "O' Tha-at.., no that's just a coincidence that that's on." "Thi-is.., I'm completely bored with that now." "Do sit down, Reg Dwight." "(Reg Dwight?" "!" ")" "Oh, that?" "That's just Ben Elton." "Oh, I've brought one of my tapes if you're interested." "That's the live album." "The blues is what I sing." "Well, that should capture the mood of the entire audience perfectly." "Excuse me just a mini-moment." "Hello, Alice." "(Hello, Reg)." "Has he arrived yet?" "Yes and no." "Is he the same as on TV?" "Not exactly, no." "Oh..." "Hello, there." "He looks a completely different person without his wig." "That is becouse he IS a completely different person." "Hello, mate." "Hello." "Where's Elton John?" "HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA!" "You!" "He's just..." "You were expecting Elton John, weren't you?" "No!" "No." "No." "No." "Or..., if I'm honest.., yes." "If I were you, I'd ask Mr Dwight to open it." "If he can fool me and Frank, he can fool anyone." "Yes, well, I'm afraid you're not "typical" rock fans." "Oh., I've got a Gilbert O'Sullivan record." "The one where he fancies his little niece." "No, no, no, no, no..." "I'll just have to be honest with them." "It's the only way, isn't it?" "Yeah, yeah." "How does this sound?" ""Ladies and Gentlemen, unfortunately" "I just received a phone-call from Elton John" ""and he's very, very, very sick."" "Yeah..." ""In fact, he's dead."" "Yeah.." "'No-no-no-no-no parking is allowed on the upper field." "'Thank you.'" "Sorry,." "Is that" "NO parking is allowed in the upper field-, or, -parking IS allowed in the upper field-?" "No-no-no-no-no-no parking is allowed in the upper field." "OK?" "David." "Hello." "I've just been told the news." "What a total and utter Unmitigated cock-up!" "I thought the '87 fair was embarrassing when thise blody kids put cannabis in the cup-cakes but this reeeally is, the queen of balls-ups." "Hundreds of people waiting to see Elton John and you invite Rambling Sid Rumpo." "David..." "This is Reg Dwight." "I bet it is." "I hope you're satisfied." "I rather liked the fair in '87." "Such larks!" "David.., can you come here a moment?" "You see.., The thing is, somebody's got to go and tell the crowd about the change in line-up." "Now., Obviously.., I would love to do it, but unfortunately, women's problems of the most dramatic nature." "I mean.., to be honest, I can't even walk, never mind leave the house." "I was just wondered if you'd do the honours instead..?" "....." "No." "Fair enough." "It was worth a try." "Is Elton John in your house?" "Ah.." "Ask the vicar..." "When's he comin' out?" "He came out years ago!" "After all I've done for you!" "I could've been a prima ballerina!" "Hello!" "Vicar!" "Yes?" "I'm sorry to interrupt." "Has Elton arrived?" "Elton?" "Yeah, I heard he was opening the fair." "I thought I'd drop by and surprise him." "O' God, thank you, mate." "Kylie..," "I'll come clean with you, you totaly Fabulous woman." "There's been a bit of a hiccup on the Elton front." "Well, ..not so much of a hiccup, more like a huge big belch ...with a bit of sick in it." "Would you do me the teeniest favour?" "..Like., What?" "May I say one thing before I reply to that?" "If you do this..., no matter what you do on earth - sex, drugs, ritual satanism " "I can guarantee you the best seat in heaven." "You and God, just like that, next to each other." "Jesus - row C. Elvis - serving the drinks." "Gandhi - sod him!" "Well, my mother did always tell me, "Never say no to a priest."" "I love your mother." "Kylie.." "Ever thought of going into the priesthood?" "Can't say I have." "Oh.." "You'd be so good at it." "Goddess to priestess in one simple move." "You might have to think of changing your wardrobe." "Church of England can't cope with hotpants yet." "I know.., I've tried." "Ladies and gentlemen, there has been a slight change to the published schedule for today." ""Slight" as in" "Hitler was "Slightly" nasty!" "" "I'm afraid, Er.." "Elton John WON'T be able to join us." "Isn't life's a wonderful thing sometimes." "Bu-ut, we are delighted to welcome, ..in his stead, one of Oxfordshire's most popular entertainers." "Yes, it's Reg Dwight!" "What a coup!" "And just for you, here today, we are so lucky - lucky, lucky, lucky - to have the genuinely perfect..." "I don't care what the Bible says about girls kissing girls," "I'D snog her any day." "The one, the only..." "Kylie Minogue!" "Yeah!" "I-I can't believe it!" "I cannot believe it!" "She's thinking of taking holy orders next autumn so enjoy her while you can." "Isn't it fabulous?" "Yes, isn't it." "She was always one of my favourite contemporary entertainers." "Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure to declare the Dibley Fair open!" "And now, please, the award for the most misshapen vegetable." "We have Owen Newitt's potato," "Jim Trott's parsnip, and Hugo Horton's carrot in the shape of David Mellor." "And the winner is..." "Hugo Horton!" "Kiss him, OK?" "Don't ask questions, just kiss him, please." "Congratulations!" "# But the years went by and rock just died" "# Suzy went and left us for some foreign guy" "# Long nights cryin' by the record machine... #" "Oh.., that's lovely." "You don't have a lippy for a vicar with attitude?" "Oh, great." "Now give me the dirt on Prince." "Oh, I can't." "I said, Give me the dirt on Prince." "Well..." "Thank you very much indeed." "And were pleased to announce the amount we raised today is.." "WITHOUT the bid for Mrs Cropley's orange cake with branston pickle..." "Three thousand, four hundred and fifty-six pounds!" "Well done, Dibley!" "Did you see the way she kissed Hugo?" "No-no-no-no, I don't call that a Kiss." "What DO you call it Jim?" "No-no-no-no-no, I'd call that a snog." "No, I think he's right." "I wouldn't be surprised if there be wedding bells before too long." "Ah..." "Don't be silly." "No, ..she will never come back to the village." "Lightning doesn't strike twice in the same place." "No-no-no-no-no, it does." "Does it?" "..Oh, yes." "My father was struck twice by lightning." "Good Lord!" "How did he feel afterwards?" "So.." "Three nuns get killed in a car crash." "Oh, dear." "And they go up to heaven. 'Course." "And Peter's at the gate and says," ""You have to answer a question before you get in." .." "Oh." "So he says to the first one." "Dont worry, the questions are very easy." """ "What was the name of the first woman?" """ "She says, "Eve." and he says, "You're in."" "He says to the second one, "Where did Eve live?" I know." "Yeah." "She says, "The Garden of Eden." He says, "You're in."" "Phew!" "And he says to the Mother Superior," ""The question'll have to be more tricky for you."" "Fair enough, cos..." "Obviously." "He says to her, "What did Eve say when she first saw Adam?"" "Mother Superior says, "That's a hard one."" "He says, "Yup, you're in."" "She hadn't answered the question." "Pardon?" "She hadn't answered it." "How do you mean?" "She didn't know." "Doesn't work, does it?" "That end bit needs a jig." "I'm gonna send it back." "Stupid, that one."