"Shh." "It's a beautiful summer day temperatures expected to reach the upper 80s." "In recent news, a health advisory was reported from happy poultry farms." "Now, they're telling us that they're issuing a full recall for their precooked chicken tenders and also their buffalo chicken tenders." "Now, this only applies to the chicken that was packaged on Friday and delivered to suburbs such as fort chicken and Danville." "Happy poultry advises..." "Morning, honey." "Rise and shine." "Morning, mom." "How's the book going?" "Good." "I've been working really hard on it... rewriting it." "It's a first draft, you know?" "Did you get a chance to read the manuscript?" "I did, and I loved it." "Oh, well, any thoughts?" "Criticisms?" "No." "I thought it was wonderful." "I'm not gonna become a better writer if I don't get constructive criticism." "Please, I'm begging you." "Well, um..." "I did think the characters were a tiny bit unlikable." "That's more like it." "Noted." "I found myself a little bored to be honest." "And I heart honesty." "I also didn't know what was going on and where we were." "It wasn't explained very well." "Frankly, I couldn't figure out the plot." "It was kind of insulting, and there was no specificity in the writing in terms of time and place." "Okay." "And where was the inciting incident?" "Okay, okay." "This is... this is... wow!" "Thank you." "But mostly I loved it." "Now, get on up and teach those summer school kids how to write like you." "The boat was evil, but he loved the boat." "The boat was evil but he didn't know just how evil." "The boat was evil, but it was an acceptable level of evil." "The seafaring vessel... the schooner was evil." "It's getting there." "Jesus." "I've come full circle." "How very, very utterly depressing." "What's up, amigo?" "Hey, You're not my dealer." "No." "No, I'm..." "I'm Clint..." "hey, you don't sell 'shrooms, do ya?" "No, um, I'm Clint Hadson." "Is that Hudson?" "Hadson." "Yeah, it's him." "Whoa, whoa, whoa." "So that's a no on the 'shrooms?" "Right." "Excuse me!" "I'm..." "I'm having trouble." "Don't you forget, mister, You're grounded." "And when school's over, you come straight home." "Fuck you, mom." "Oh, yeah?" "Fuck you!" "I'm just gonna miss you so much." "Can't I take it off?" "No, the playground is a war zone." "Watch it!" "Sorry." "Didn't see you there." "Well, maybe you should take in your surroundings more." "Yeah." "Mr. Hudson!" "Hadson." "Hi, uh, call me Clint." "Thanks so much for coming in on such short notice." "Looks like Mrs. Kenner is down with the stomach flu, 'cause she is mormon, so that's always a possibility." "Principal Hadgis is in the Bahamas, when the cat's away, the vice principal becomes acting principal." "Yeah, I forgot they say that." "Teachers lounge is just across the way, so go get well, it's not strong enough for my taste." "To deal with these terrors, I need the high-octane stuff." "Isn't that right, Mrs. Gordon?" "She's hilarious." "A lot of personal tragedy." "Come on into this office." "Pull up a ball chair." "Got a cell phone?" "Um, yeah." "Afraid I'm gonna have to take it." "Yep, this is a no cell phone campus, and we Can't ask the kids to give up something so hand over that crackberry." "A-booyah." "Now, I gotta warn you." "I run a pretty tight ship." "Yeah, I'm fine with that." "Actually, it's... it's funny you should say that." "I'm actually writing a book about a ship." "Well, it's more of a boat." "I have it with me." "If You're asking me to describe my pedagogical "philosophy"..." "I'm not." "There are some charter schools out of Boston that are "absolutely" "revolutionizing" education." "I'm not sure you know how air quotes work." "I want to bring these kids back to a pre-digital era." "No cell phones, and I don't care if it's raining labradoodles, I wanna get those kids outside during recess." "Heck, I'll lock 'em out." "And I will do that." "Now, here's a map of the school." "Mrs. Kenner is in room 12." "Oh, I don't need that." "I actually used to go here." "Class of '88." "Hey, you know what that is?" "That's out of sight." "All right." "Shouldn't joke about guns, though." "No." "Not in a school." "Yeah." "That's not funny." "Yeah, my partner's name is David." "He is awesome." "He's a little bit older but weirdly has this amazing body." "If I'm being completely honest, he does have these fantastic balls that I just love to play with." "They're firmer and fuzzier, so..." "Tennis partner." "Dave is my tennis partner." "Hi, there." "Um, you know which one of these is Mrs. Kenner's?" "Buddy, I don't know what that bitch drinks out of." "Here's what I do know." "I know that this is a rape button." "It emits a shit-crazy alarm that'll inform local police who arrive within two minutes should you decide to get touchy and/or feely." "You wanna know why I have a rape button?" "Don't answer." "Because the government of the state of Illinois doesn't trust the citizenry enough to pass safe, sensible conceal and carry laws." "Okay." "So any of these then?" "Hmm, she's a little tightly wound, huh?" "Oh, my God." "Lucy?" "Lucy Mccormick?" "It... it... it's Clint Hadson." "Oh, my God!" "Wow, what are you doing here?" "Well, I'm subbing for Mrs. Kenner." "Oh, my God, amazing." "I heard you lived in New York." "Yeah, I did." "But now I'm in town for a while, staying at Charman's." "Oh." "Who's Charman?" "My mom." "Ah!" "But it's like a guesthouse, so it's..." "So You're a teacher now?" "No." "Well, I mean, yes." "I, uh, I ended up subbing a little in New York." "But really I'm a writer." "That's great." "Oh, well..." "God, it's a scorcher out there, huh?" "Unseasonably warm." "Yeah." "Uh, wade, have you met Clint?" "I have not." "Pleased to meet you with meat to please you." "Actually, we kinda met earlier." "You parked me in." "What are you talking about?" "Nothing." "It's just that, um, you parked so close that." "I-I couldn't get out of my..." "my truck's got a dual reeow weeow." "I'm sorry?" "Dual reeow weeow." "Dual weeow... dual weeow... dual reeow weeow." "It's... dual weeow... dual real wheel." "Dual real... reow reow." "Got a dual reeow weeow." "Dual weeow... dual weeow..." "I don't understand." "It's got two extra wheels on the back part of it." "Ah." "Dual rear... so, Clint, heard tell you were a writer." "Hmm?" "Oh, nothing that you've read, yet." "I'm actually working on my first novel." "Really?" "Yeah." "Oh, yeah, actually why I'm home." "You know, just to hunker down and bang out that story." "But, uh, I need a few shekels." "Shekels." "Hebrew for..." "Doug." "Currency." "Okay." "Wow, good for you." "That's so exciting!" "Oh, thanks." "What's it about?" "Oh, uh, well, it's... it's a horror novel." "Um, it... it's about a guy who buys a boat, but the boat turns out to be possessed." "Like Christine." "I'm sorry?" "Christine, Stephen king." "Guy buys a car and it's possessed." "Oh." "Um..." "But... but this is about a boat." "So it's like speed 2." "Starring?" "Sandra bullock, yes, of course, and?" "Keanu Reeves?" "Jason Patric!" "Right." "I am the biggest Jason Patric fan." "Jason Patric." "Oh, lost boys!" "They're not lost." "Kiefer." "They're vampires." "Yeah, they got lost... all right, let's roll!" "Your classroom is actually right next to mine." "I can walk you if you want." "Oh, um, yeah." "That'd be great." "You are so fuckin' ugly." "If my butthole had a butthole, that's what you'd look like." "Yeah, you look like my butthole's ass." "You look like you got chicken pox, if chicken pox was made out of hemorrhoids yeah, if chicken pox was made out of my ass." "And here we are, fourth grade." "That's me." "And You're right up there." "Good luck." "Holler if you need anything." "The athletic office is right down there." "Yeah, what's with that guy?" "He seems like a bit of a dick." "He's my boyfriend." "Sorry I'm late, guys." "I was helping a friend out." "Eric, what is that?" "You put that right down now." "Hey, did somebody order a sub?" "Ooh, tough crowd." "My Uncle's cancer took his stomach." "But his divorce..." "Took his mind." "Anyhoo, that was my weekend." "Let's begin, class." "Maybe we were created by an all-knowing God who sent down his only son to die for us." "Or maybe we were monkey people who sat around crappin' in each other's mouths until one day we were like," ""I don't like all this hair." "Just on my head and crotch, please."" "Who can say?" "I Can't because the state of Illinois doesn't allow me to, Hank." "I know I'm the substitute, but I'm also a friend." "It wasn't so long ago that I was sitting exactly where you are." "In fact, don't tell those other teachers, but I want you to call me by my first name." "Cunt?" "What?" "No, you... you Can't say..." "okay, no, uh, my name is Clint." "You know what?" "Just call me Mr. Hadson." "Now, I'm not really a teacher." "I'm only substituting to pay the bills." "I'm actually writing a horror novel." "Pretty cool, huh?" "Yeah, real cool, asshole." "Excuse me." "What's your name?" "Patriot." "He got held back." "Shut up!" "Your name is patriot?" "That's right." "I was born on September 11th." "God sent me on that day." "That's why, on my 18th birthday, I'm joining the marines, just to kick some towel-head ass." "Wow, a lot to unpack there." "First off, could you keep the language down, please, patriot?" "Otherwise I'll send you outside." "Yeah, while you were just talking, I just looked at, like, a hundred vaginas." "All right." "Give me that." "Why?" "Because You're not allowed to have it." "Your principal told me." "How about I start crying and then suggest to my parents about how you touched me inappropriately?" "You didn't happen to write something on a prius this morning, did you?" "So I actually have the first draft of my new novel who would like to come up here and read the first chapter and then you guys can give me some notes." "Great." "What's your name?" "Douche." "Calvin." "Calvin, come on down." "Go ahead." "Trent always loved boats." "But when he spent his life savings on the Anna Marie," ""he didn't know he just chartered a course to evil."" ""It was an easy money transaction"..." "You'd be good in a horror novel." ""And didn't ask any questions"..." "Hey." "You listening to me?" "Ow!" "All right, everyone, calm down." "I'm gonna take patriot to the nurse's office." "Come on." "Don't be a baby." "Come on, patriot, let me see." "Come on." "This is going to need." "There's nothing I can do about it here." "He's gonna have to go to the hospital." "That's okay." "Patriot can handle it." "Right, patriot?" "You're a marine." "Beautiful, beautiful" "'shrooms." "So one of my students tried to eat another one's face off." "How's your day going?" "I'm..." "I'm really sorry about this morning." "What happened?" "I... when I called your boyfriend a dick." "I didn't know you guys were dating and... and now I feel really awkward." "No, in your classroom, what happened?" "Oh, this girl just went apeshit on this kid." "She was biting him." "I had to send him to the nurse." "Did you send her to the principal's office?" "I wanted to give her a high five." "That kid was a dick." "Hey!" "You bit my friend's face." "What, are you sick or something?" "Hey, you bitch!" "I just wanted to say to them, like, "guys, I'm a writer who moved here from New York City."" "Like, I'm way cooler than your regular teacher."" "This day could've been super fun." "Kids are always rough on subs." "Yeah, but this is different from what we were like growing up." "They're, like, not even kids." "Waah!" "The fuck?" "Oh, it Can't be that funny." "Ooh LA LA." "Yeah, I'm such a catch." "Oh, you..." "you'll be beating off the women in fort chicken." "Oh, yeah." "Fort chicken girls." "Yeah, the hottest!" "Aah!" "What is happening here, kids?" "Goddamn it!" "What is wrong with me?" "Oh, no, you didn't." "Vice principal Simms." "Yeah, You're go for Simms." "I'm under some medication for a medical condition, so I may not be seeing things correctly, but I'm pretty sure" "I might be seeing some of your students possibly eating Mr. Pedersen." "Again, it could be the medication." "Okay, all right." "Show's over!" "I may be acting principal, but you all are acting crazy!" "Hey, don't... don't..." "I have bursitis." "Who... who is your homeroom?" "Aah!" "Aah!" "Aah!" "Oh!" "Get... get out of there!" "It's so good to see you, Clint." "It's good to see you, too." "Oh, look, carnage." "Aah!" "Some... somebody call the police!" "Wait!" "I'm hitting my button!" "Ow!" "Oh!" "Ah!" "Come on, Johnson!" "What the fuck is happening?" "What the fuck is happening?" "Wait, There's wade." "Wade." "Oh, God." "All right, listen up!" "I'd back off if I was you!" "I was an all-state football champion." "Y'all are a bunch of kids." "Oh." "Look, we've all wanted to do that to vice principal Simms, okay?" "I know I have." "But a... a line has been crossed." "You Can't eat the teachers, man!" "Hold it right now!" "Aah!" "Ah!" "Fwip!" "Ha!" "Come on, Johnson!" "Run, Johnson!" "You can do... no, no." "Aah!" "They... they attacked the vice principal." "And then they started chasing the... hello?" "Hello?" "The phones are dead." "Aah!" "Oh, those kids are fast." "I was twice voted running back of the year, kerry county." "I should have won a third year..." "But it was political." "What the fuck are you trying to say?" "Do not go out there!" "Those kids... aah!" "Oh, God!" "Oh, no, no, no, no." "It's Angela." "Angela, it's me, Mr. Lacey." "Ugh." "Oh, There's Dave!" "Dave's coming!" "See?" "Everything's gonna be fine!" "Ooh, shit, man." "Five-o!" "Fuck it." "I ain't goin' down!" "All right, kids, settle down." "You little guys need to tell me what's going on." "You guys all eat cherry pie for lunch or something?" "What's going on?" "I'm here to help." "Think of me just like Batman." "I'm a helper." "Aah!" "What the fuck?" "Aah!" "Ow!" "Oh, my God!" "Fuck this!" "I gotta do something!" "No, wade!" "You Can't go back out there!" "No!" "Let me alone!" "Oh, my God." "Wade." "Aah!" "Oh, my God!" "Aah!" "Ow!" "What the fuck, freak?" "Oh, God!" "He's gonna bite into your face!" "Yes, I can see that!" "He'll tear your goddamn face off!" "You'll look like that chimp woman!" "Aah!" "You're achieving nothing!" "Help me!" "Let me burn his face!" "Aah!" "Oh!" "Aah!" "Oh!" "Who is that lady?" "Anybody have a key?" "Probably not." "Let's go." "Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait." "We Can't just leave her there." "You bet your ass we are!" "Ah!" "Move!" "Move!" "We gotta get out of here!" "Aah!" "Follow me, I do crossfit!" "No!" "Don't do it!" "You sons of... go, go, go, go, go!" "Wade!" "Aah!" "Right in here!" "In here!" "Aah!" "Kill him!" "No, no, no!" "Wait, wait, wait!" "And I'm not just saying that 'cause You're the only our differences are what makes life beautiful." "What's going on?" "Kill him!" "No!" "Wait!" "Tracy's right." "Calvin, are you okay?" "You don't have a thirst for blood or anything?" "Why would I do that?" "I'm studying for my English test." "Oh, great." "How's it going?" "We gotta seek out some higher ground." "Okay, come on, Calvin." "You come with us." "We're clear!" "In here, come on!" "Come on." "Close the door!" "Close the door!" "Okay, all right." "Hey, hey, is everyone okay?" "Can we please take a moment of sil... aah!" "Get in here, come on!" "Calvin, don't look!" "Don't look!" "Don't look!" "She has blisters." "Okay, I think We're safe." "The door is locked." "They cannot get up through these windows." "The phone's out in here, too." "Can somebody please explain to me what the hell is going on?" "What is going on?" "Imean,Ihatedmyteachers in school." "I hated them, but I never tried to kill them." "They got cooties." "What?" "That's what they're always saying that girl shelley has." "Cooties." "She's dirty." "Calvin, that's not very nice." "No, he's right." "In a... in a... in a way." "If you'll follow me, you'll see." "Wade, You're not hurt, are you?" "No, babe, I'm good." "She has the raised blisters of a... a virus." "I'm okay." "We're safe here, right?" "Everybody feels okay?" "And We're all safe." "It's pretty interesting actually." "I knew we'd work it all out." "I would love to get inside your head." "Oh, guess she's gone to commit murder somewhere else." "All right, ladies, here's the plan." "We get down on that ledge, jump to the ground, hightail it like linebackers to our cars." "Boom!" "What?" "I thought you just tried to outrun them." "You... you said they were too fast for you." "Yeah, but that was before I had a weapon." "A violin?" "Not just a violin, it's an instrument of death." "I propose we create a symphony of death." "Everyone, grab an instrument." "Here, you take this." "Oh, yeah, that'll be real effective." "What are you offering, besides throwing hot pots of coffee at people, or writing a stupid book that no one wants to read about some guy who wants to fuck a boat?" "Wait, it's not about a guy who wants to fuck a boat." "It's a book about obsession and possession on the high seas." "He wants to fuck the boat, and you know it." "Listen..." "listen, little Stevie king..." "There's an invention called a cell phone that your stupid, we need to get to the principal's office, grab our phones, and call someone who can help quarantine these kids." "We're in a total lockdown, in case you haven't noticed!" "We have been breached, and there are little cootie kids right out there in the hallway who are willing to fuckin' rip your face off with their little teeth!" "Well, shit!" "Their big teeth haven't even come in yet!" "Aah!" "You know what, you carry on" "I'll sneak around the school where there aren't any kids." "Oh, you'll sneak around, huh?" "Sneak around like a little hobbit." "I'm takin' the fight to them like a fuckin' orc." "And that is the difference between you and me." "I don't wanna scurry..." "oh, really?" "I don't wanna scurry around the hallway like a common squirrel." "The only way We're gonna get anywhere is if we turn our frowns upside down and try to get along." "You know how I beat the terrorists after 9/11?" "With a positive attitude." "It's true, she did." "Now, I-I don't think going back for our cell phones is necessarily a great idea, even though it's wonderful that You're trying, and we welcome all suggestions." "Wait, I... wait." "I just thought of something." "What is it?" "Um, it's just an idea for..." "for keel them all." "The hero's trapped on the boat, and my mom had this note where she didn't understand why he wouldn't just call for help." "I-I got it." "He... he left his... his phone on the dock." "What are you talking about?" "Oh, sorry." "It's my book." "Are you fucking kidding me?" "Unbelievable." "Your... your book is called keel them all?" "Okay, ladies, can we convene the book club a little later on, please?" "Wade, I think maybe your idea is maybe an unwise idea also." "Seriously, Lucy?" "I'm sorry." "So what do you propose?" "That we wait here until 3:00." "Um..." "Okay... okay, what... what happens at 3:00?" "At 3:00, the parents will come to pick up their kids." "We can get up on the roof and signal them for help." "Oh, I like that idea." "It's... it's a good one." "Better than your fucking idea." "Anything is better than your idea." "Oh!" "Clint, are you okay?" "That sounds..." "yeah, no, I'm..." "I'm fine." "I'm fine." "What happened to your arm?" "Oh, nothing, it's... oh, shit." "It's just... it's just a scratch." "Son of a bitch, he's infected!" "No, no, no, it's nothing." "You got cooties, motherfucker!" "No, no, no, I'm feeling fine!" "Wade, wait!" "You're coming with me!" "Stop resisting!" "I feel fine!" "Don't resist the quarantine!" "Wade!" "Wade, hon..." "let me out, asshole." "Nobody else go in there." "Oh." "Oh!" "I'm going in." "Doug, don't... ugh." "I don't care." "We have some breaking news developing in the suburb of fort chicken this morning." "You don't..." "excuse me." "Listen up, please." "Could everybody please listen up?" "Guys, don't make me ask again." "Quiet, quiet, please." "Please be quiet." "None of us are talking." "Rebekkah." "Quiet, please." "Thank you." "It is my opinion that Clint has been infected with whatever those kids have..." "Yeah, I knew it." "Out there." "Oh, my God." "Oh, my God." "But it doesn't seem to be affecting him in the same way." "He's only exhibiting mild stomach flu symptoms... nausea, cramps, a little diarrhea, vomiting, mild anal leakage..." "but it is my hypothesis that we are safe from him for now." "He will not attempt to murder us or tear us limb from limb." "He just has the flu." "How do you..." "how do you know all this?" "Well, rebekkah, I just examined his fluids with two of history's oldest scientific instruments... my hands." "Oh, Doug." "Don't worry." "I'm wearing gloves." "Oh, no, You're not." "No." "No, You're not." "God damn it, Doug." "I see." "Oh, God." "Okay, okay, it doesn't matter." "Listen, the sub stays locked in the closet." "If he gets a clean bill of health at 3:00, then we'll talk." "If he gets a clean bill of health at 3:00, then we'll talk." "If he gets a clean bill of health at 3:00, then we'll talk." "Keep your distance, Grisham." "Oh, there..." "There's vomit there." "Ugh, God!" "Just watch your step." "Are you all right?" "Hey, how are you feeling?" "Um, better." "Come on, okay." "That's yours." "Oh, thank you." "Wait, oh, I know that car." "That's the pta president, racer Dobkins' mom." "She always gets here early to open the gates." "Hey, hey, over here!" "Hey!" "Call for help!" "Use the phone!" "Over here!" "This could fall apart at any minute, all right?" "And I'm just thinking about the children." "Those little bastards are gonna kill her." "She's... it's fine." "She's gonna be fine." "Wait, there he is." "No, no, no, no, no, no." "Don't open the door." "She Can't even see us." "Don't let him get in!" "Don't let him in!" "Who's mommy's angel?" "Who's mommy's little angel?" "Yes, you are." "Yes, you are." "Get out of the car!" "Don't!" "No!" "You tell Simms that $300 won't cut it." "Oh, God, Steve," "I know what's going on with this school 24/7, all right?" "Come on, racer, let's go!" "You wanna go to soccer practice or not, honeypuckle?" "I'm not gonna be the one holding the bag at the goddamn book drive again this year, all right?" "No, you..." "Racer, what the hell are you doing to your brother back there now, huh?" "What are you doing?" "Oh!" "They go right for the face!" "I told you!" "The other parents are gonna be here any second." "They'll massacre the other parents." "Aah!" "Oh, my God!" "Get off of me!" "Help me!" "She's not one of them!" "How do you know?" "Look at her face." "It's not covered in pox." "Help her up!" "Help her up!" "Oh, God, they're coming!" "They're coming!" "Come on!" "They're getting up on the roof!" "They're in the trees!" "Move!" "Come on!" "Where do we go?" "To the auditorium!" "Aah!" "Move!" "Move!" "Move!" "Move!" "Aah!" "Help!" "Get him off me!" "Aah!" "Wade, I..." "Tammy, why don't you" "and Calvin come on over here with me?" "That guy always cheated off me." "Calvin, come on." "I'll make sure all the doors are secure." "Why... why is his blood black?" "I don't know." "That's what I want to find out." "I-I think I'm gonna dissect him." "You guys help me." "Hey, look at us." "We're fine." "You know, We're..." "We're still us, because you know why?" "Because none of us got bitten or scratched." "I did." "Oh." "Oh, no, it's fine." "We'll just... we'll go to the washroom and... and we'll... you'll wash it out with soap so it won't get infected, okay?" "How... what do you say?" "Okay." "Oh, my God, I Can't believe You're doing this." "I Can't believe boys pee in those." "I mean, that's disgusting." "That's disgusting?" "It's not disgusting to have boys staring at each other's penises?" "What... what is wrong with that, okay?" "We got bigger things to worry about." "Well, this is interesting." "Oh, God!" "Oh, my God!" "Oh, God." "I'm gonna extract the brain." "Oh, that's just rude." "Tracy, God damn it." "It appears the preliminary reports have been confirmed." "Children are, for some reason, violently attacking their parents in front of fort chicken elementary." "We now have reports of victims around the city, and authorities have no idea what is going on." "Stay inside." "Stay in your cars." "Do not go... dude, this is totally tripping me out." "Are you on 'shrooms, too?" "Hey." "Can I get you anything?" "I'd really rather be left alone, Lucy." "Wade, can we please talk?" "I don't want to talk." "I know you don't, but I do." "Then why don't you talk to your boyfriend about it?" "Clint and I went to school together." "I haven't seen him in 15 years." "I walked in this morning, guy was fuckin' hittin' on you, and you were eatin' it up." "Are you kidding me?" "No, I'm not kiddin' you, Lucy." "You Can't even deny it." "Deny it." "Clint and I were just talking, and I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings." "I didn't mean to." "Oh." "Look, I'm sorry." "But I know neither of us thought this was how the day was gonna go when we woke up this morning." "I thought today was gonna go way different than this." "You have no idea." "I bought you a ring yesterday, Lucy." "And then I walk in, and I see you laughing and smiling at that little asshole." "And you know what I thought?" "I thought, wow, she looks so pretty when she smiles." "How come she never smiles at me like that?" "I'll talk to you later, Lucy." "And go fuck yourself." "Prognosis is not good." "Oh!" "As you can see, most of the gray and white matter has been..." "rebekkah, quiet, please." "Most of the gray and white matter has been severely infected." "It's showing the beginning stages of necroptosis and decomposition." "All of these black areas are basically dead." "I mean, they can run, jump, eat, but they're not human anymore, not really." "Once again, how do you know all this?" "I learned all about the brain when I had a 6-inch spike lodged in my skull as a child, which is the reason why you may have noticed that sometimes when I'm talking" "I use the wrong rowboat." "Word." "Now, bacteria Can't cross the blood/brain barrier." "So I'm thinking this is more likely a virus." "What kind of virus would do that?" "A pretty nasty one." "Calvin said that shelley linker was the first one to bite, right?" "Yeah." "But what about Clint and tamra?" "All it did was make them sick." "I have a theory about this." "Hold on a moment." "Tamra?" "Yeah?" "Have you achieved menses?" "What?" "No, he's, uh, asking you if you've had your period yet." "Um, I really don't wanna say." "You wear a bra, right?" "Yeah." "Thank you." "Gave you an "a" in sex ed, tamra." "Little disappointed you don't know what menses are." "Why is sex ed always taught by the creepiest teachers?" "Clint, quiet, please." "It seems that the virus is susceptible to androgens." "I mean, the prepubescent body has testosterone and estrogen." "But at puberty, the body's glands create a feedback cycle that increases the gonadotropins by about 2.000." "Just what are you trying to say?" "Talk like a person." "Please." "The... the virus is only dangerous is you haven't gone through puberty." "Was that them?" "What's going on?" "How'd they do that?" "Okay, everyone, stay calm!" "Calvin." "Huh?" "Oh, shit." "Calvin!" "Calvin!" "Over here, guys." "Quick, quick, quick!" "Calvin, wake up." "Wake up, Calvin." "Quit slapping me." "He needs to eat something." "We need to get him a candy bar or a soda." "Wade, do you have any snack bars or something?" "I got creatine powder." "Well, he needs something with sugar." "This body is a no-carb zone." "Ah, what was that?" "Probably one of the demented children that's been trying it's coming from over there." "They're in the boiler room." "They Can't be." "I've checked all these doors." "They're... they're locked." "Oh, my God, they have keys!" "Doug, I thought you said they couldn't do stuff like that." "Oh, they're gonna get in here." "We're all gonna die!" "This Can't be the end." "I'm not even published yet." "Wade, I've thought about it." "I don't think I can marry you." "I'm sorry!" "Jesus!" "It's the fucking janitor!" "Hatachi?" "What are you doing here?" "The lights are out." "Okay, we gotta move!" "Go!" "Move it!" "Move it!" "Watch your step." "What the hell?" "You live down here?" "Yes." "When is this gonna end?" "Where are we going?" "Oh, my God." "Where are we?" "We have a kid who needs help." "He's diabetic." "Do you have any food?" "Nori." "Oh, seaweed." "Oh." "I'm afraid that won't work." "No." "Oh." "Oh, the microwave." "This is the activation of the emergency broadcast system for the township of fort chicken, Illinois." "Effective immediately, the mayor of fort chicken has announced mandatory evacuations of neighborhoods east of Winslow Avenue." "Authorities are reporting the spread of a highly contagious virus." "Reports say..." "We're alone." "We're all gonna die, aren't we?" "No." "No, We're not." "There's a snack machine in the teachers lounge, right?" "Wade, how many people can fit in your truck?" "I told you, it's a dual reow weeow... dual reow..." "it's a dual rear wee... probably eight, Max." "Where are the keys?" "Up with my jacket." "Back in the teachers lounge, which is impossible to get to." "Where does that lead?" "Conditioning of air." "So this duct takes us to the teachers lounge." "Guys, we take the duct to the lounge." "We... we get Calvin something from the vending machine, we get back here, fix Calvin up, and take the duct as close to if We're near the office, we should grab our cell phones too." "Right." "Yeah, but who's going up into that thing?" "Who's teensy-weensy enough to fit up..." "Me?" "No, no, no, no, no, no, no." "No, I... no, I-I definitely don't do brave stuff." "Like, I've never even been camping." "Look, I-I have a blog." "I-I get excited about apple products." "That's what I'm comfortable with." "Here we go." "By letting you guard this, I'm trusting you with my entire life." "Circle, circle, dot, dot." "Now you have a cooties shot." "It'll protect you." "Thanks, tamra." "Remember, Clint, if you fail, We're all gonna die." "I appreciate the update, Doug." "You're doing great." "Just trust yourself." "Yeah, and your cock is girthy, too." "Oh, fuck off, wade." "You fuck off." "Both of you cut it..." "both of you cut it out." "You know who you sound like?" "You sound like your students." "I don't have students." "I'm not a teacher, I'm a writer." "Yeah, a self-published writer." "Guess what, I'm self-published, too." "Doug, do you wanna buy my book?" "There are no words on this." "You know what?" "I'm going, too." "Lucy, what are you doing?" "You Can't..." "no!" "No, you are not!" "You Can't do anything to stop me!" "If I wanna go in the fucking air-conditioning duct, I'll go!" "I'm just gonna die anyway, just like the rest of you assholes, so maybe I'm gonna try and do something brave as a final pointless gesture of kindness in this cruel, shitty world that likes taking gestures" "of kindness and shitting and peeing on them!" "Since You're all gonna be dead soon anyway, I should tell you," "I hate every single one of you." "Aah!" "I'm coming with you whether you like it or not, so shut up." "Okay." "This makes me so nervous." "He paces like this late at night when he's on the phone, too." "It's so ridiculous." "How do you know that?" "You better not let anything happen to her, asshole." "That's funny, because I was thinking of letting really bad things happen to her." "I will squeeze up in there and slap your dick off." "Thanks for coming to help me." "No problem." "I think this is it." "Careful..." "Oh, um..." "Do you have a dollar?" "Yeah." "There's wade's keys." "I'm gonna go check and see if There's a phone." "No, no, no, wait for me." "No, we don't have time." "You get the candy bar." "I'm gonna get a phone." "Okay, be... be careful." "Yeah." "Come on." "Come on." "Come on." "Shit!" "Did you get it?" "Did you get it?" "I'm working on it!" "Hurry up!" "We're not gonna make it!" "Go left!" "Guys, heads up!" "They did it." "Hey, look what we got for you." "The desk!" "The desk!" "I don't know how much longer" "I can hold this." "Aah!" "Oh, my God!" "Oh, my God!" "Miss Hanford!" "Oh!" "After the fifth half-eaten corpse you see, it's..." "Still horrifying but somehow slightly less horrifying." "Shit!" "Guys, look out!" "They're in the vents!" "They're heading your way!" "I'll get the locks." "More stuff, come on." "Here!" "Here." "Let's go!" "They're coming!" "Straps!" "Come on!" "Got it!" "Why do they pound?" "What does all the pounding accomplish?" "Are you guys okay?" "Yeah, We're all good." "Thanks for the heads up." "We are not all good!" "We are trapped in here." "Oh, God, those kids are gonna come in here." "They're gonna rip us to shreds." "Tracy, we get it." "You've got to calm down right now!" "I know." "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." "I'm... calm!" "I'm fine." "I'm calm." "Okay." "Thank you." "Calm down!" "I'm calm!" "I already said I was calm." "This is, like, the worst Monday ever." "This probably isn't" "the greatest timing, but I have a confession to make." "When I saw you this morning, I was only pretending to be surprised." "I knew you taught here." "Wait, really?" "I've been pretty depressed lately, and I just wanted to see you." "It... it's stupid." "I mean, we... we haven't had a conversation in," "I guess I kinda missed you somehow." "Sorry, that's... that's so creepy." "No." "It's not creepy." "I heard you were in New York following your dream of being a writer." "Oh, well, I have another confession to make." "Remember when I-I said I-I wasn't a teacher?" "That was a lie, too." "That's what I was doing in New York." "Really?" "Yeah." "Yeah, I've been teaching first grade for two years." "I mean, I thought I would have free time to write, on my free time, but as it turns out, there is no free time." "Teaching's the hardest job in the world." "And I would look out at the kids in my class, and I-I found myself getting jealous of them." "They have the whole world ahead of them." "Their whole lives ahead of them." "They have all these opportunities that have already passed me by." "Mm... what?" "Nothing, I was..." "Gonna tell you you were wrong, but you sort of have a point." "Oh." "That's super comforting." "Thanks." "Oh!" "I prob..." "I probably shouldn't have done that." "I-I Can't just barge into your life like that." "Even if I do kind of hate your boyfriend." "Just need a bottle of wine." "Right?" "One of those backpacks must have some beer in it." "Definitely ritalin, probably Adderall, too." "Wait." "There's still so much I haven't done." "Like..." "like I've always wanted to fire an uzi." "I don't know." "I wanted a bunny." "I always wanted a bunny growing up and never got one." "You know what I want?" "I wanna know why my brother-in-law makes tens times what I do." "And you know what he does for a living?" "He makes giant foam fingers for football games." "Like, you tell people You're a teacher, and they look at you like, "oh, you must have wanted to do something else and you couldn't get anything going."" "And it's like, "fuck you, man."" "I'm raising your kids."" "I love my job, and teachers deserve respect." "Yeah." "I'm sorry that it took me till today to realize this, but..." "I really actually like you guys." "I always wanted to have sex with a prostitute who was nonwhite." "Is anybody there?" "Wade?" "Hey." "You okay?" "Yeah." "Hey, listen, Lucy, about today... wade, we can talk about this another time." "Let's not talk about this right now." "No, I wanna talk about it." "Lucy, I love you." "And I'm so sorry that I was an asshole today." "Clint's not listening, is he?" "No, it's just me." "'Cause look, I know You're not crazy about your hometown." "Okay, and this is probably not what you pictured growing up, that you'd be dating some p." "E. Teacher." "And I guess I just got jealous that some fancy pants New York writer was gonna swoop in and..." "No, wait!" "To live there, and I just don't know that that's something that I can ever..." "wade, it's Clint." "Goddamn it, asshole!" "Put Lucy back on." "I'm not a fancy writer from New York." "I'm a bad writer from fort chicken." "I sleep in a bed I used to pee in." "You're a handsome guy who Lucy likes." "And if you guys are meant to be together," "I'm all for it." "I'm sorry I got in the way." "You really think" "I'm a handsome guy?" "Listen, thanks, Clint." "Just..." "Can you put Lucy back on, please?" "Wade, I love you, but I..." "Lucy, I... wade, it's me again." "Goddamn it!" "I have an idea." "Listen up." "Oh, dear lord." "Is the coast clear?" "If by clear, you mean filled with terrifying imagery that will take me years of therapy to unsee..." "Hey!" "Hey, sweetie!" "Put those drugs down." "Look!" "Drugs!" "Are you hungry for some drugs?" "You want some ritalin?" "Some Adderall?" "You remember how in that movie commando and every other" "'80s action film, there was that suiting up montage?" "Well, this is that scene." "Yeah." "Now, they've got us outnumbered, outgunned, and out..." "But There's one thing we have that they don't... the drive to win!" "They seem very driven to me." "We need to turn this room inside out." "Look under every shelf, inside every box." "Gather anything you or someone else can use." "We gotta collect everything." "We gotta have bats and tools and ropes and pointy things, anything that has a spike on it, anything that's serrated." "We're not playing defense anymore." "Our third and fourth graders, you can forget about them." "So forget who you think You're fighting, 'cause We're going to war!" "I used to be a champion!" "I'm a little fatter now." "Yeah, I'm a little balder, too, but I still got that spirit." "And they are not taking that away from me!" "I played dodgeball a million times with these little shits." "Go for the face." "It's the weak spot." "Huh." "I guess they really can overdose on that stuff." "Okay, looks like the Adderall they should be knocked out for a while." "Remember, when we say "go", we rendezvous in the main hall, head straight for the back door, then haul ass for wade's truck." "Are you guys ready?" "We are good to go." "We can do this." "Between us, we've got 18 regional championship trophies, three mvps, and one state championship ring." "Wade, those are all your awards." "Exactly, and I'm a part of this team." "That makes us all champions!" "Now, are we ready?" "Ready!" "Ready." "I'm gay." "Oh!" "I fucking knew it." "Hatachi, you ready?" "Yes, hatachi ready to die." "My father told me story once, story of frog and caterpillar." "It was winter, and frog is sitting on snow-covered branch." "The frog looked and saw the caterpillar and ask him... okay, this story is taking way too long." "Let's play some dodgeball!" "Hey, guys." "Okay, I got this." "Uhh!" "Come on." "Aah!" "Fuck yeah!" "Let's go!" "Go!" "Go!" "Move it!" "Let's go!" "Come on!" "Damn it, I'm out of balls!" "Oh, shit." "Ha!" "Ah!" "Rock 'n' roll!" "Aah!" "Lucy!" "Where's Lucy?" "I don't know!" "Aah!" "Come on!" "Come on!" "Aah!" "You motherfuckers!" "Clint, take me to subway sometime." "Aah!" "Give her the keys!" "Get those kids to the truck!" "Move!" "Go, go, go, go!" "Get out of here!" "Get in!" "Get in!" "Hah!" "Hah!" "Hey, Danielle steel!" "Take care of her." "Aaaah!" "No!" "No, Lucy, no!" "Wade!" "Hah!" "Ahh!" "Wade!" "Oh, no!" "No!" "Aah!" "Aah!" "No, we gotta go!" "We gotta go!" "Go!" "Get in!" "Oh, my God!" "Wade!" "Oh!" "Aah!" "No!" "Lucy, I'm sorry." "What about these kids' parents?" "What about our parents?" "Oh, shit." "What?" "We're almost out of... aah!" "Get him off!" "He must have been in the back oh, my God, what is he doing?" "Ram him!" "Eat a cock." "Uhh..." "Eh..." "Well, that ought to do it." "Guys, up ahead." "It's Danville." "Danville is the worst place on the planet." "At least it's not fort chicken." "Oh, my God!" "Well, I'd feel worse if all these dead people weren't from fucking Danville." "Well, now We're really out of gas." "Everybody stay close." "Wait, Where's Doug?" "There he is." "Doug, come on!" "No, you come here." "They're everywhere." "Well, that's Indiana." "That's Ohio." "It's an epidemic." "Actually, the correct term is pandemic." "A pandemic covers a much wider geographical... that's the fort chicken factory." "Is there anything from that factory served in the school cafeteria?" "The chicken nuggets." "Of course, a foodborne virus." "If I could get a handful of homing endonucleases, each one targeting a different specific section of the genome..." "You're doing it again." "Rebekkah, quiet please." "You see, that time I was actually talking." "If we could isolate the virus and kill it while preserving the capsid protein..." "Doug, please dumb it down a little." "If I could find one of the infected nuggets, maybe I could make a vaccine..." "For... for the... aah!" "Everybody look for an open door!" "Guys, hurry up!" "Get in here!" "Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!" "Hurry!" "Everyone okay?" "Okay, We're here." "We made it, right?" "Oh, I fucking hate Danville so much." "Everyone stick together." "Okay." "I Can't see anything." "Someone find a light." "Aah!" "It's me." "These things are great." "It's like..." "let's go this way." "Oh, my God, those are the nuggets." "You'll come in handy, little one." "Nugget out of here." "Nugget out... nugget out of here." "Come on." "Come on." "Where are we?" "I hate to say it, guys, but, oh, shit." "Aah!" "Aah!" "Hah!" "Somebody order a badass?" "Wade!" "Aah!" "Now, hatachi." "Now the time for the frog to fuck the caterpillar?" "Whatever, hatachi." "Aah!" "Wait, they're coming!" "Let's go!" "Get in the van!" "Let's go!" "Move!" "Move!" "Move!" "I-I thought you were dead." "It was just halftime, baby." "Go to the van!" "Run!" "Run!" "Run!" "Aah!" "Hurry!" "Let's go!" "We can make it!" "Help me wedge this in here." "Clint, go!" "Get out of here!" "Aah!" "Kids, kids, go, go, go!" "Oh my God!" "Is this one of those really intense drug interventions?" "I'm givin' you kids an "f"" "for fuck you!" "Get up!" "Come on, let's go!" "Go!" "Go, go, go!" "What are you doing?" "Water won't hold them off." "It ain't water." "Nap time, motherfuckers." "Let's roll." "Where are we going?" "Someplace kids don't wanna go." "Wade, how did you find us?" "I always know where to find my dual weeow... weeow... my do wea... my do weeow... and the frog fucked the caterpillar!" "Ha!"