"I have running water in a toilet" "Some guy to "Chang, Chang."" "I seduced a harp player." "A harp player?" "A harp player." "He goes, "She's young, cute."" "He goes, "Oh, she doesn't work here."" "Waitresses there hate me since then." "Is that bad?" "I said to her," ""You're my sister, and I want to do open mics."" "Yes, honest to God." "Behind a Dunkin' Donuts?" "Okay, okay, okay." "Okay, sorry." "Deal!" "All right." "All right, two gets a nine, that's flushing." "Queen gets a Jack." "Wait, is this high-low?" "Yes, it's high-low." "You know what you can do with this seven?" "Shove it straight up your mother's shit maker." "I don't think it'll fit there." "Her ass is so crammed with all the dicks she finds behind the bus station." "That doesn't even make any sense." "See, what Nick is saying is that your mother goes to the bus station and she gets, like, old, thrown-away penises there." "Like, out back, where they keep those." "Like in a bin." "She does this so much, her ass is just crammed." "Your mom really does that?" "I don't know, I don't talk to her every day." "Let me finish." "She just crams 'em into there and uses one of those coffee tampers, you know?" "For espresso machines?" "You know, I got it earlier, but now I" "Wait a minute, I'm not finished." "And she just shoves 'em in there, just" "It's just compressed." "It's like she's almost crushing dicks into like a dick diamond, like a pink diamond." "And so, you know, try to get a card in there." "Okay, that does make sense." "What's that feel like, anyways?" "What?" "A dick in the ass." "You're asking me because I'm gay?" "No, I'm asking you 'cause you're very learned." "Yeah, I'm asking you 'cause you're the only gay person here." "Are you interested for any particular reason?" "You need a breath mint, my friend." "Hey, Rick." "Is it true there's a gay club in the city called "Jerks"" "where gay guys just stand around all day and play with each other's dicks?" "Yeah, City Jerks." "Oh, my God." "What is wrong with you people?" "Wait, there's really a club like that?" "It's not a club, per Se, it's like a floating party." "It meets in different locations every week" "And what goes on there?" "Jesus, do we need to hear this?" "Why don't you just shut up and learn something?" "Hey, why don't you shut up?" "Nice one." "Don't want to." "City Jerks is a gathering, sometimes in a hotel room, sometimes at a club and, you know, different places." "And it started, basically, when AIDS did." "They wanted to have a club where guys could have, like a group sexual outlet, but still play safe." "You know, so at this" "You know, at these meetings, they get together, some guys go one-on-one, some guys go in a huddle." "Like do what, what goes on?" "You masturbate each other." "Oh, Jesus." "I thought masturbation meant only one person." "So you just stand around in a room and you jerk each other off?" "Yeah, that's why they call it "City Jerks."" "Well, you could just watch-- a lot of guys like to watch while another guy pleasures himself." "Stop-- stop telling this!" "I'm gonna puke." "Is there a lesser charge for watching, like standing room?" "No, no, no." "Like auditing a class?" "No, because you're never" "What's a "huddle"?" "You said "huddle," what's that?" "It's a huddle, where you huddle together in a group and everybody reaches in and you kind of help yourself." "To cocks and balls." "Sure." "Oh, my God, what" "What are they in," "Jesus Christ, what are you people thinking?" "Out of the huddle?" "Like, "You jerk him, you jerk him." "Break."" ""Break!" On two!" "On two." "What do you do if you're there and somebody recognizes you?" "Say hi." "Well, you'll be pleased to know, everybody's naked, except for shoes and socks." "Really?" "Why the shoes and socks?" "Well, after awhile, the floor is full of" "All right!" "I get it!" "Christ!" "That much ( blank ), you gotta put on some shoes?" "Like high-- like Timberlands, you need some big shoes?" "No, just regular shoes with a rubber sole." "Sure-- something stylish, though, still?" "Florsheim has some stuff, you know." "Snowshoes or something" "Flippers." "Flip-flops." "Flip-flops." "Mud cleats." "That's another club." "That's one of Jim's clubs." "Mud cleats." "You know, I know it's a free country, Rick, and I don't care what you guys do, but..." "Thanks, Nick." "Next time I'm about to go down on a big juicy cock," "I'll remember, it's all right with you." "You should have that stamped on the head of the cock." ""Nick-approved."" "Nick's face." ""Nick-approved."" "Like I said, I don't care and God bless you." "But I gotta be honest." "What you guys do, it really makes me sick." "And not on a political Bible level, either." "I mean, just picturing you touch another guy's dick, that's gross." "Is that how you feel about what we do?" "What, sex with women?" "Yeah, do you get grossed out thinking about pussy?" "I don't think about pussy." "I don't care what you guys do." "You're the ones who asked me." "And you guys ask me this shit every time I'm here." "Really, I talk about gay sex more with you guys than I do with any of my gay friends." "You guys are obsessed." "Well, I'm curious" " I don't know that I'm obsessed." "Really?" "You, who says "faggot" onstage more than you say "hello"?" ""Hello"?" "Who says "hello" more than once onstage?" "Who says "hello" onstage at all?" "Yeah, hello?" "I mean in life, in life, he says" "More than he says it in life." "Rick, does it offend you when I say that word?" "What word, "hello"?" "No, "faggot."" "Yeah, does it bother you when he says the word "faggot"?" "No, it bothers me when you say it, 'cause you mean it." "Yeah, but really, it's like, as a comedian and a gay guy, you're the only gay comic I know." "Do you think I shouldn't be using that word onstage?" "I think you should use whatever word you want." "When you use it onstage," "I can see it's funny and I don't care." "But are you interested to know what it might mean to gay men?" "Yeah, I am interested." "Well, the word "faggot" really means a bundle of sticks used for kindling in a fire." "Now, in the Middle Ages, when they used to burn people they thought were witches, they used to burn homosexuals, too." "And they used to burn the witches at a stake, but they thought the homosexuals were too low and disgusting to be given a stake to be burned on, so they used to just throw them in with the kindling," "with the other "faggots."" "So that's how you get "flaming faggot."" "So what you're saying is gay people are a good alternative-fuel source?" "That's where they get the term "diesel Dyke."" "I'm sorry, go ahead." "You might want to know that every gay man in America has probably had that word shouted at them when they're being beaten up, sometimes many times, sometimes by a lot of people all at once." "So when you say it, it kind of brings that all back up." "But, you know, by all means, use it, get your laughs, but, you know, now you know what it means." "Okay, thanks, faggot, we'll keep that in mind." "♪ Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie ♪" "♪ Louie, Louie, Louie Louaaa ♪" "♪ Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie ♪" "♪ Louie, Louie you're gonna cry ♪" "♪ Louie, Louie Louie Louaaa ♪" "Getting divorced is like a" "It's like stepping out of a time machine." "That's what it's like." "I got married when I was 28, divorced when I was 42." "Somebody please tell me how long that is." "14 years." "Thank you-- that's my wife." "I was married when I was 28, I got divorced when I was 42, so I was married for 14 years." "And so getting divorced is like stepping out of a time machine that traveled you 14 years, but it's a really shitty time machine." "It's the kind of time machine where it takes the real amount of time to take you to the future." "It's basically just a" "Like, if a time machine was a box that you get in and sit in it for two years and then it's two years later." "That's really what marriage is." "Well, that's it." "You're divorced." "Dude, you're divorced." "That's just weird." "Well, it's not that weird, you know?" "I look at it positively." "It's change-- change happens." "It's weird." "It's just really weird that you're divorced." "That's not the greatest thing to keep saying to me right now." "I'm just saying, you know." "You've always been this guy, Mr. Married, with the wife, you had the kids, and now you got nothing." "Nothing." "I don't have nothing." "I got my kids, we're sharing custody." "They're with me for half of every week." "Yeah, but still, you lost your kids." "Okay, you're just gonna keep saying what you're saying." "I'm just saying, I'm worried about you, bro." "I don't want you to kill yourself." "Jesus, Bobby, I'm not gonna kill myself." "I'm just saying, your life looks pretty bleak, okay?" "I'm upset, I'm upset." "Could you shut up?" "You know, I don't feel negative about this and you're trying to make me feel negative about it." "I'm not talking about how you feel." "I'm saying I'm upset." "I mean, I have feelings, too." "I'm your brother and I'm upset." "I get it, okay?" "You know, I'm trying to see the positive in this thing." "I'm" " I'm single now, I can be with anybody I want." "You know what's really sad?" "What?" "What's sad is that you're too old to get anybody else." "You signed a paper that guarantees you're gonna die alone in a room with a thin blanket over you and the nurse comes in and just shuts the machine off." "Dude!" "Picture that." "Now, also, I'm 42." "So I'm getting-- I'm really on the decline." "There's never gonna be another year of my life that was better than the year before." "That's never gonna happen again!" "I've seen my best years." "And not only" " I thought, "Okay, now, I'm gonna start seeing it kinda, like, go up like this."" "Then I thought, "You're gonna start--"" "No, it's exponential." "The loss of ability, agility and breath is exponential." "Last year, I lost 90% of my health and well-being." "So I had" " I had 10% of what I did the year before." "Now, this year, I've lost 90% of that 10%, so now I have 10" "You get-- you don't understand what "exponential" means." "So..." "Oh, my God, nightmare." "Tammy." "Tammy Wickilinis." "What are you looking at?" "Uh, nothing." "You're funny-looking." "No, sir." "You look just normal." "Hey." "You wanna see something?" "Uh, sure." "Come over here." "What's that?" "It was my dad's at the hospital." "He had a car accident." "He died." "Some creepy shit, right?" "You're holding that." "My dead dad wore that." "Friggin' creepy, right?" "You want to keep it?" "Oh, my God." "Hey." "Hey, what's up?" "You want a shot?" "Uh, no." "Come on!" "It's only Peppermint schnapps." "No." "Okay, so I'll see you later." "Okay." "Hey!" "What are you, stupid?" "What?" "Do you like me?" "Do you like me, like, as a girl?" "Uh..." "Okay, so, whip it out." "What ?" "Come on, whip it out." "Tammy." "Oh, my God, you showed up." "Yeah, hi." "Hey." "Well, come in." "You still want to come in, right?" "Yeah, sure, of course." "So do you remember me much?" "Nope." "To be honest, no." "But you remembered me." "Obviously, you looked me up." "Yeah, yeah, I guess so." "So what do you remember?" "Uh..." "What?" "Just nothing." "We had a moment." "You and me had, like a-- like a moment." "And it kind of stuck with me." "Really?" "What?" "Nothing, just" "Whip it out." "Something you said to me that" "It just kind of, it just" "Come on, whip it out." "You know, when you're kids." "Like, we were kids, so" "We ain't kids no more, huh?" "Nope." "I used to be a pretty hot little shit back then, wasn't I?" "Yep." "Not anymore." "Well, don't say that, I mean" "No, that's all right, nobody stays like that." "I'm 42, I got three kids, husband." "And here I am." "What about you?" "Well, I got married and I got two girls." "Nice." "Yeah." "I'm divorced now." "Oh, that's why you're Facebooking." "Playing "could have been."" "Yeah, I guess so." "Yeah." "Well." "Yeah, thanks for stopping by." "Okay." "It was good to see you." "Yeah." "Bye, Tammy." "What did I say to you?" "What?" "You said I said something that stuck out." "What'd I say?" "Well, you told me to" "You-- you said, "whip it out."" "Really?" "Yeah." "Wow." "Did you?" "No." "I didn't have the guts." "Hmm, well." "So, whip it out." "Come on, whip it out." "Just whip it out." "If nobody ever told me not to ( bleep ) animals..." "If no one..." "If no one ever said, "You should not have sex with animals,"" "I would totally have sex with animals all of the time." "The only reason I don't have sex with animals is 'cause I'm not supposed to and somebody told it to me." "I would totally have sex with most monkeys, probably." "Why not?" "No, you know what, I wouldn't, for one reason." "'Cause I think it would be rape." "I don't think any animal is attracted to any human being." "I don't think it's morally wrong, I really don't, except for that I don't think the animal's into it." "If you can get an animal horny, go ahead, man." "Go ahead and (beep ) it." "If you can" "If you can finger a monkey and the monkey's like," ""Ooh..."" "Get in there, man, you earned it." "You earned it." "I really think if there was" "If I was alone on the Earth, if I found myself alone on planet Earth, no other humans," "I would have sex with a monkey in, like, two minutes." "Two minutes." "That's really not long enough to be sure you're alone on the Earth, even." "That's-- that's, like, getting a little" "I walk outside, it's-- there's not much traffic." ""Oh, my God, it's just me!" ""I'm gonna have sex with a monkey right now." "Oh, no, that's a person."" "Is it bad to brush your teeth after you suck a guy's dick?" "Because then it causes blood and you can actually catch AIDS that way?" "Is it better just to not do anything?" "That's actually a legitimate question." "That is legitimate, I know it's a good question." "I want to know why you're bringing it up here!" "Because the pulp from your teeth" "What are you doing that you gotta ask that?" "You guys think it might be funny, but I think about that all the time." "What are you-- is there cock meat all over your mirror in the bathroom after you floss?" "No, I have a good imagination." "I can visualize it." "I don't need the meat to actually be on the Mir" "I mean, it..." "I thought you meant cock meat 'cause you're flossing your" "That's what I meant, that's what I mean!"