"(barking orders)" "Sergeant Bilko!" "The men are ready for roll..." "All right, all right." "Don't break down the door." "What are you...?" "A miserable time." "They get you up at the early crack in the morning." "Who needs this?" "Where are they?" "Here?" "Wait till I get them in focus," "'cause, oh, what a miserable..." "Roll call!" "Shh." "What are you screaming at?" "Take it easy." "Shh." "Roll call." "Anderson." "Yo." "Doberman." "(all shouting)" "Shut...!" "Quiet!" "(groans)" "Look, men, when I call your name, do me a favor, just raise your hands." "Hangover, eh, Sarge?" "Who said that?" "Get me the name of the man who said that!" "Sarge, all I..." "No, no!" "Name, rank and serial number." "But, Sarge, all I did was..." "All you did was slander your sergeant." "A sergeant who works while you sleep." "Yes, men, while you were in dreamland last night," "I was in there all night arranging schedules." "Is that why we heard those voices last night saying, "I raise you ten." "I think you're bluffing." "You in"?" "Really, Mullen?" "Wouldn't you be happier back in civilian life in your old job as a Peeping Tom?" "Hey, Sarge, we got to get to work in the motor pool." "Are you kidding?" "I got to get some sleep." "I got the air mattress in back of the five-ton truck, Sarge." "You get a little shut-eye." "Good boy, good boy." "Now, look, men, when you're working today, not too much noise, huh?" "Stay away from the fenders." "Keep away from the piston rods." "Just grease jobs, you know?" "And when you squish," "shh..." "HENSHAW:" "Ten-hut!" "Hey!" "What is he screaming...?" "Lieutenant, sir." "All work scheduled for today is canceled." "(cheering)" "At 1000 hours, this platoon, led by its sergeant, will assemble on the parade ground with full field pack for the 20-mile hike, which this platoon somehow missed last month." "Oh, sir, we didn't miss it." "We happened to take a wrong turn, and there we were" "at the Paradise Bar and Grill, sir." "Never mind." "Thank you, sir." "(soldiers all talking at once)" "Just shut up!" "A hike going to kill you?" "Look at you-- you're flabby." "You need it." "Little workout will do you some good." "Besides, it'll teach you a little self-reliance." "Self-reliance?" "Yes." "I won't be along with you." "(indistinct arguing)" "Dismissed!" "Sarge, ain't you going to go with us?" "Are you kidding?" "In my condition?" "Get me my hat." "Right, Sarge." "I got to go over and see the colonel and talk him out of this detail." "What excuse did I use last time?" "Flange foot." "Flange foot." "I'll do it again." "He'll never remember." "And, look, fix up my place so I can take a nap." "It will be nice and quiet with you guys gone." "Right, Sarge." "And, look, take it easy." "Have a nice hike." "Thanks, Sarge." "Sarge, what's the matter with your foot?" "I got, uh... what is it?" "Flange foot." "Flange foot." "It's murder." "I suffer a lot." "See that this gets to all sergeants" "of the top three grades." "Yes, sir." "Physical exam for all top sergeants tomorrow?" "Oh, it's nothing." "Every couple of years, they send a medical man to check." "Uh, did you inform Bilko's platoon of that 20-mile hike?" "Oh, yes, sir." "Ah." "(clears throat) -(knock on door)" "Oh, there's Bilko." "Yeah, he's trying to get out of it." "Good morning, sir." "Oh, sir, I see you're up with the rooster again." "What a sterling example you set for the men, sir." "What is it, Bilko?" "Flange foot again?" "Flan...?" "Oh, you remember." "The colonel has a memory like an elephant, sir." "A veritable elephant!" "Quiet." "Quiet." "I checked with the medical officer." "There's no such thing as flange foot." "There's no...?" "Well, sir, that accounts of why I recovered so quickly, sir." "You see-- shim-pum!" " and it was gone." "The strangest thing." "But what I have now is a rare disease, sir." "It's really dreadful." "It's been the bane of the Bilkos for years, sir." "Funkelman's hoof, sir." "It's..." "Funkelman's hoof?" "Oh, yes, it eats its way right through the metatarsals, sir." "It's really dreadful." "Never mind." "I have already put you down for flange foot." "Give this to Captain Barker, and he'll excuse you from the hike." "Well, thank you, sir." "You've been here eight years, and I still find it hard to think of you as one of our soldiers." "But, sir, I mean..." "I know you occasionally sleep here and eat here, but I somehow keep thinking of you as a civilian." "A civilian, sir?" "Yes." "Even now, I feel uncomfortable at you standing there at attention." "I somehow want to ask you to have a chair." "Oh, the colonel is pulling my leg." "You do come out with a crackerjack, every once..." "Quiet!" "Yes, sir." "Bilko, you've been in the service for 15 years." "Haven't you even been curious about the military side of Army life?" "Well, really, sir, I'll..." "I believe that the records" "will show, sir, that I..." "I know." "I wonder if the records would show that you're probably the only man who will ever leave Fort Baxter without ever having been on the drill field." "Drill...?" "Do we have a drill field?" "Oh, yes." "Yes, I've seen it, sir." "It's that flat terrain" "with the little markings on it." "I give up." "Dismissed." "Thank you very much." "Colonel, uh, am I privileged to speak off the record, sir, please?" "What is it?" "Is there something troubling the colonel?" "Something wrong?" "Of course not." "Why?" "Well, sir, I-I came in here," "and without any... you just..." "Oh." "Because I let you off the hike without any fuss?" "Well, sir, we usually do have a go at it, sir, don't we?" "What for, Bilko?" "After all, a 20-mile hike might be too much at your age." "At my age, sir?" "Well, let's face it, Bilko." "You're not a rookie anymore." "Well, sir, but let me" "point out that I'm in the best of shape, sir. -(phone rings)" "I..." "Who?" "Oh, Major Hollister?" "Put him on." "Sir, that last remark about..." "Uh, that'll be all, old man." "Old man?" "Uh, send in Lieutenant Anderson with those shop records." "HOGAN:" "Hi, Ernie." "Hi." "Something wrong?" "Wrong?" "No!" "Never felt younger." "Never felt better in my life." "You look terrible." "Oh, that." "Well, I had a rough night." "Hey, Joanie." "What?" "What's wrong with the colonel?" "What do you mean?" "Well, I went in to goof off on a hike, and he didn't even put up a fight." "He's just resigned to the fact that you're going to outsmart him every time." "That's all." "(laughs):" "I guess that's it." "He's just throwing in the towel." "Here, this is for you." "They have Major Newman coming on the post tomorrow to give you a special physical exam." "Okay, honey, I'll see you at the dance." "Okay." "Special physical exam?" "Who needs a special physical exam?" "Are they kidding?" "It's the colonel's orders, Ernie." "(snaps fingers)" "That's it." "What?" "That explains everything." "(laughs) Oh, sure." "Joanie, the colonel is trying to kick me out of the Army." "Are you crazy?" "Yes." "I'm not so crazy, and, oh, no, he's not throwing in the towel." "This is just his way of saying good-bye." "He just waited till he thought I grew old, then he sent in a hatchet man-- that medical major-- trying to get me out on a medical discharge!" "Ernie, these medical things are simply..." "No, no." "Look, let's face facts." "They got me over the barrel." "Technically, they got me." "Look at me" " I'm nearsighted, I'm 15 pounds overweight, fallen arches," "I'm starting to lose my hair." "Ah, now I get it." "That's what the colonel meant when he sneakily said," ""Really, Bilko, at your age..."" "Ernie Bilko, you must be losing your mind." "Why, the colonel would never give you up." "He considers you the best motor pool sergeant in the whole, entire Army." "You kidding me?" "I am not kidding you." "I heard him say so myself." "For true?" "Absolutely for true, cross my heart." "Now, listen, Hollister, those new jeeps were supposed to be here a week ago." "How Bilko has kept those old jalopies running this long is a miracle." "I'll show you how young I really am when I take you to that dance tonight." "It's cha-cha-cha all the way." "Cha-cha-cha, cha-cha-cha, cha-cha-cha." "Oh, sir, judo practice." "She's very good on the flip-overs, sir." "Oh!" "Oh, Ernie!" "Very good, yes." "Now, listen to me, Major." "There's no room in a modern Army for broken-down wrecks." "If they can't function, they've got to go." "Why, why, we've got one in particular here that's a disgrace to any motor pool." "Major, I am depending on you to see that this ancient relic is replaced and scrapped." "This is an Army post, not a military museum." "Oh, Sergeant Bilko." "Yes, sonny... uh, Lieutenant." "You know about the physical exam?" "Yes, sir." "Good luck, old man." "Old man?" "Oh, sure, I'm imagining things, am I?" "If that colonel thinks he's going to put the skids onto me and get me out of here..." "Honey..." "Oh, no." "All dates are off, kid." "I got to get in shape." "Exer..." "That 20-mile hike-- that'll do it." "Aha." "Just a little ahead of them, pal." "So, that major that thinks he's going to see a wreck tomorrow, huh?" "Well, he'll see an Adonis." "May I tell you?" "An Adonis!" "(laughs)" "Yes, sir!" "I'll get into shape." "I'll show them all!" "All right, all right, look alive!" "A little pep in this outfit." "Get on your ball!" "(barks orders)" "There you are, Sarge." "Your bed is all ready." "I pulled the shade down, Sarge." "You have a nice little nap." "Oh, a little nap?" "Aren't you going to give me some crackers and milk" "by my bedside?" "Yeah, but, Sarge..." "Oh, maybe a little zwieback so I can gum it, huh?" "But, Sarge..." ""But, Sarge..."" "Maybe you'd like to put me in a wheelchair with a lap robe and put me out in the sun to doze a while, huh?" "Sarge, what are you talking..." "You think I can't handle a 20-mile hike?" "You think..." "Get me my full field pack." "I'm going to stay in this Army." "I spent too long feathering this nest." "I'll sh..." "It goes in the back." "I know where it goes!" "Don't tell me about things." "I'll show them, huh?" "Think I'm falling apart, huh?" "All right, you meatballs!" "Think I'm an old man?" "Straighten up, men!" "I'll show you some action." "(chuckles) Think I can't handle it?" "I'm going to take you crumbs on a 20-mile hike, and any of you guys can hold up with me," "I'll march you 20 more miles!" "(barking orders)" "Right face!" "Hy-yuh!" "All right." "Sing, you weaklings." "# Over hill, over dale #" "# We have hit the dusty trail #" "# And the caissons go rolling along #" "# In and out, hear them shout... #" "All right, wise guys." "(singing in distance)" "Well, there goes Bilko's platoon starting out on the hike." "They're certainly getting a fast start." "I like to see the men..." "# And the caissons go rolling along... #" "What's wrong, Colonel?" "Well, I-I..." "I think there's something wrong with my eyes." "I'll have to stop in to see you for a checkup." "Your eyes?" "Yes, I thought I saw Bilko leading the platoon." "Bilko?" "!" "Yes." "It is Bilko!" "Bilko?" "On a hike?" "What is he up to?" "Look!" "They're turning back." "Turning back?" "I'll get the water!" "Doberman, we need the smelling salts!" "What a hike!" "I never in my life saw such a hike!" "It'll be all right, Sarge." "Get in here, Sarge." "Come on, sit down." "That's it." "What a hike!" "Smelling salts, sir." "Sarge?" "Sarge?" "Who deals?" "Sarge." "Sarge?" "What is it?" "What?" "Are you all right?" "Yeah." "What is it?" "Wh-what is it?" "The hike over?" "Yeah, it's all over, Sarge." "Let's keep it going." "Up those hills." "March!" "No, no." "No, the hike is over." "Sarge, it's over." "Over?" "Yeah." "How did I do?" "You did great." "Another 19 and a half miles, and you would've made it." "I don't know." "Suddenly, a bright flash hit me." "That was sunshine, Ernie." "You're just not used to it." "That's it." "I'm not used to it." "Come on, Sarge." "Why don't you lie down, huh?" "No!" "No!" "Let me... (groans) Get that off." "Get it off me." "No, sir, all I need is to tone up a little muscle." "That's all." "Get those muscle..." "I'll get over to the gym..." "We got a gym?" "Do you remember where you held the St. Valentine's Day crap game?" "Was that the gym?" "Yeah." "That's where I'm going." "I'll tone up these muscles." "Out of my way!" "Out... out... (barking orders)" "Hi." "Hi, boys." "Hi, Ernie." "Want to catch?" "Are you kidding?" "That's all right for you older gentlemen." "I'm looking for action." "(laughs)" "A little calisthenics, Sarge?" "Calisthenics?" "You must be kidding." "Where's the action?" "(whistle blows)" "Oh!" "Okay, let's do it again." "Lieutenant, would you mind if I join you for a minute?" "Bilko, I never expected to see you here." "I just want to tone up the old muscles, sir." "Well, we're doing a rear vault with a half turn." "Nothing to it." "I'll look at it once," "and I'll have it down pat." "Thank you, sir." "Okay." "Balinski, start again." "Look alive, Baczynski!" "Here we go!" "Good form." "Nice going." "Keep it up, men." "Keep it up, keep it going." "Working it out." "Work, work, work all the time." "That's working it out." "All right, here I come." "Okay, Sarge, let's go." "Now, wait a minute, now." "Wasn't my fault." "You all right?" "Somebody moved it, Lieutenant." "They moved it." "Believe me." "Look, Sarge, uh, uh, maybe you better start with the older group." "Are you kidding?" "I'm in the best of shape." "I'm ready..." "Maybe I'll warm up with the older group" "for a while." "Yeah, yeah." "Come on." "Hey, uh, Corporal Kramer, uh," "here's Sergeant Bilko for your group." "Okay." "39..." "Mind if I join you for a minute?" "40." "Not at all, Ernie." "Listen, just do 15 to start." "Don't overdo it." "15." "Yeah, I won't over..." "Just 15 to get it moving." "Yeah, right, right." "(grunting)" "Come on, Ernie." "I don't believe it, Bilko." "Colonel!" "Bilko, what are you trying to do, kill yourself?" "No, sir." "Just fighting fire with fire, sir." "Certain people are liable to be surprised at what they're going to see in me tomorrow, if you know what I mean, sir." "(chuckles)" "What is he up to?" "Listen, Ernie, maybe you better start with some simple calisthenics, huh?" "Maybe I ought to loosen up a little." "You're right." "Just to loosen up." "All right." "All right, hold it, fellas." "Hold it, fellas." "All right, now to the count of four, arms up, touch the toes, arms up and back." "Look alive, men." "Ready?" "One..." "One!" "two, three, four." "One, two, three, fo..." "(Bilko grunting)" "Hold it, hold it." "Give me a hand, fellas." "(Bilko groaning)" "Come on, get him up." "That's it." "Oh, oh." "Oh, I..." "All right, Ernie, maybe-maybe-maybe you better start with the older fellas, Ernie." "Why don't you..." "(mutters)" "Huh?" "Yeah, start with the older fellas." "Just..." "Till I get loose." "Yeah, loosen up." "All right." "That's right." "Ah, hi, Ernie." "Glad to have you with us, Ernie." "All right, let's not get too friendly, huh?" "I'm not joining your group." "I'm with the younger group;" "just getting loose." "Attaboy." "Uh, two hands, younger than springtime." "Hey, let me ask you guys something." "Huh?" "You're 20-year men, aren't you?" "Yeah." "You know all the routines here." "Yeah." "What is this special physical they're giving the three top three?" "It's nothing; it's just, the major looks at you." "He looks at you?" "That's all, just quick once-over." "All they want to know is if you see all right." "If you see all right, huh?" "That's all." "Yeah, all the Army cares about if your eyesight is okay." "Is that all they care about?" "That's all." "Hold on a minute." "Hold these, Tony." "All right, throw it." "Come on, come on!" "Let it go." "I threw it, I threw it!" "Oh." "Oh, well, I got to work out a little more, you understand." "I'll be back." "Sarge, for three hours with the eyes." "It'll drive you nuts." "You kidding?" "That's the only weakness the colonel can nail me on." "But I'm gonna be ready for him tomorrow, pal." "I'll be an eagle, I tell you, an eagle!" "Here, hold my glasses." "Hold up something, see if I can tell what it is." "What is it?" "Where is it?" "Right in front of you." "All right." "It's a letter." "It's a letter?" "Uh, in the alphabet?" "Yeah." "Yeah." "Uh, in the middle of the alphabet?" "Ah..." "In the beginning?" "Yeah." "Um, it's an "A"!" "(laughs):" "Right." "Great, Sarge!" "Wonderful!" "Okay." "See, the exer..." "Again." "Hold something farther away." "See, if you exercise, you get them in shape." "That's a good book." "Ten-hut!" "It's the colonel." "It's the colonel." "Sir, it's nice of you to drop in here for a moment." "Very nice because..." "Sarge, Sarge, why don't you give up?" "Look." "See what it is?" "Oh." "Well..." "That Captain Grace told me this would help." "Yeah, but, Sarge, it takes time." "Time?" "I only got till tomorrow when they give me that exam." "And I got to..." "Wait." "Click, click, click, click, click." "Here it comes." "You, get over to Captain Grace in the medical office." "Get into the examination room." "Sneak in there, find out where everything lays there." "Give me an exact diagram of every article in the room." "You understand?" "Yeah." "And then get a copy of the eye chart." "Write it down, line... so I can memorize, you understand?" "Right, right, Sarge." "On the double." "Look alive." "BILKO:" "Now, this is the exact diagram of the examination room?" "BARBELLA:" "That's right." "This is the desk right here, huh?" "Yeah." "Diagonal across, the cabinet." "Right." "Over here, you said, was a picture of his family." "Yeah." "And then the eye chart." "Right." "That's the exit door, right?" "On the right side." "Right." "Okay, let me see if I know it now." "Uh... picture of his family, medical..." "No, that's the eye chart." "Then the picture..." "Eye chart first." "Then the picture of his family on my right, good." "Now, let me see if I got it right now." "I walk in." "Uh, the desk, then the cabinet." "Over here, the pictures of family." "Right." "Eye chart." "Got it fine." "Here." "Come here." "Henshaw!" "Henshaw!" "Yo, yo." "Come here." "Hold the glasses." "Right, Sarge." "I don't need them anymore." "I got to walk around." "I can't..." "Wait a minute." "What?" "Wait a minute, Sarge." "Why don't you try the eye chart once?" "Why not?" "Right." "See if I memorized it right." "Let me see." "Hold it up." "Uh, Z, T, N, O, P, L, T?" "Good." "Right." "Now, let's try the next line." "This is a little bigger." "All right." "P, D, R, S, O, E, T, V." "Wonderful." "Now the last line;" "this is tiny." "I'll stumble a little so he won't think I know it too well." "R, G..." "Is that a "G" or an "E," sir?" "Oh, those E's throw you, don't they, sir?" "R, G, S, V, T, R, S, W." "Wonderful, Sarge!" "Henshaw!" "Yo?" "Okay." "Stay right with me." "I'll walk around without glasses." "Drive everybo..." "Very nonchalant." "Here we go." ""Z" is the first!" "Attention." "DOBERMAN:" "I don't care, but..." ""D"?" "Please, Zimmerman is... (chatter stops)" "Hiya, Sarge." "Who is it?" "Paparelli." "Hiya, Paparelli!" "Hi!" "How you feeling, boy?" "Good to see you." "Hey, Sarge, you're not wearing your glasses." "Who is it?" "Dillingham." "Hi, Dillingham!" "Hi, boy!" "I don't need the glasses." "Just got to exercise your eyes... (chuckles)" "What is it?" "It's the door." "Hiya, door..." "What you telling me doors?" "I know a door." "Good afternoon, Captain Grace." "Oh, hello, Bilko." "Working at your desk, sir?" "Yes." "Well, sir..." "(thud)" "Oh, excuse me, sir." "I do hate to bother you, sir." "I just thought, if you had an application handy, sir," "I'd like to apply for transfer to the Air Cadets, sir." "Air Cadets?" "Well, sir, I think a younger branch of the service is more to my liking, if you don't mind, sir." "Bilko, you're not wearing glasses." "Not..." "(laughs)" "Oh, sir." "Did you fall for that dodge?" "I don't need the glasses, sir." "My eyes are in perfect shape." "I just wore them so, uh..." "You know what I mean, sir?" "Give me a little more dignity, if you know what I mean, sir." "Really?" "Yes, sir." "I've been in the Army 16 years, sir." "16 solid years, sir, and I'm in better shape now than when I first enlisted." "Well, that's wonderful." "That..." "Where is he?" "Yeah." "Yes, sir." "Uh, w-what was that, sir?" "Oh, these filing cabinets." "Filing cabinets." "Fil..." "Yes." "Oh, yes, sir." "I feel that if a man stays in shape, it's best of all for the man's physical condition to be top notch and..." "Sir, you are losing weight, aren't you, sir?" "That's the way it goes." "What was that?" "What?" "What was what, sir?" "Oh." "I might appear older to you, sir." "That's because I was prematurely bald, sir." "You see, I was bald at birth, sir." "(Grace laughs)" "Ha, ha, ha, ha!" "(Grace laughs)" "Ha, ha?" "(Grace laughs)" "Ha, ha, ha, ha!" "(Grace laughs)" "Ha, ha?" "!" "(both laugh)" "Oh, yes, sir." "I keep in shape, especially with the eyes." "My eyes are in perfect shape, sir." "The eyes are important." "Oh, they're very important, sir, I always..." "Oh, sir, this is a lovely picture of your family, sir." "My family?" "!" "Oh, yes." "I'd know your younger boy anyplace." "He has the same chin, sir." "Remarkable." "Bilko, are you sure about your eyes?" "Oh, good heavens, yes." "Well, sir, here's the time to prove it, sir." "You have the..." "the eye chart's right here." "I'll run them right off for you." "The top line." "D, L, T, C, P, P..." "Sergeant!" "We'll take the second line just with one eye, sir." "A, E, O, L, T, E..." "Bilko, are you all right?" "Watch this, sir." "The small line, no eyes." "A, E, T, T, P, E, R, E, B." "(laughs)" "Isn't that remarkable, sir?" "Unbelievable!" "Yes, sir." "Thank you very much for your trouble, sir." "And I'm sure that if you choose to tell this to the colonel, why, they'd call off that silly physical, which is just a waste of the time." "Thank you so much, sir, for your trouble." "I've caused you enough trouble." "I'll be on my way now and not bother you anymore, sir." "(glass shatters loudly)" "Oh, I'm sorry, sir." "You have a remarkable medicine cabinet." "I've bothered you enough today." "I'll be on my way and..." "(thud)" "Oh!" "Oh, I see you have the storm doors up." "I'll be on my way, sir." "Get out of here..." "Well, he was speaking to an empty desk, shaking hands with a skeleton." "And you think Bilko's cracking up?" "If ever I've seen symptoms, Colonel." "Wait." "The basic trouble is the metabolistic condition..." "Wait a minute." "That foolishness at the gym, that putting on a show of fainting just at the beginning of the hike." "Don't you see it?" "See what?" "As a medical man." "Don't you recognize when a man's putting on an act?" "Trying to get out of the Army as a mental case?" "Oh, but Bilko wouldn't..." "Yes, Bilko." "He's getting tired of trying to outsmart me." "Yes, he knows that major's coming here tomorrow to give him a physical." "Oh, really, Colonel, I don't think..." "If he wants to get out, he'll wait till his hitch is up." "He's not gonna pull any phony thing like this." "Besides, I need him." "(knocking on door)" "Come in." "Colonel, perhaps you've heard some rumors, sir." "Put your glasses back on." "I'm over here." "Oh, yes, Colonel." "The magnetism of your voice would draw me to the ends of the Earth." "Give up!" "Give up." "It's not going to do any good." "That major is a top medical man." "You're not gonna be able to pull the wool over his eyes." "But, sir, I don't intend..." "That's all." "Yes, sir." "Thank you, sir." "Bye." "Rocco, listen." "We're in a lot of..." "(sniffs)" "Why you wearing perfume, Roc?" "Why?" "It's me" " Joan." "Oh, Joan, wait a minute." "He's determined to kick me out of the Army." "Ernie, I can't believe that." "You should've heard him in there." "You should've heard him." "Well, he's not gonna get away with it." "Why?" "'Cause I'm gonna stay in shape." "Whatever hours I have left, every minute of it is gonna be spent in that gym getting in shape." "I got to run now." "Stay in shape." "Lift, chin." "What is that doing here?" "(exhales)" "Sarge." "Sarge, it's 3:00 in the morning." "No." "Why don't you give up?" "Got to get in shape for tomorrow morning." "(grunting)" "Sarge, you're overdoing it." "No, I'm not." "I got to keep going." "Come on, one more." "(grunts)" "Sarge, too much for one day." "No, no, no, no." "One more time around, a lap." "Here we go." "Keep it going." "One, two..." "Sarge, the physical is in 15 minutes." "Sar..." "Oh." "(groaning)" "Oh, my muscles." "I can't move." "I told you you overdid it." "(groaning) Oh, easy!" "I'll get the liniment." "No, it's too late." "I can't even keep my eyes open." "Sarge, you got to take a physical in 15 minutes." "I know, I know." "Look, in my locker- get the zip pills." "Right, Sarge." "Sarge, those pills are only to keep you going in combat." "Combat?" "I'm fighting for my life, ain't I?" "Mm." "But, Sarge!" "Sarge!" "Sarge!" "Yahoo!" "(laughs):" "Oh!" "Glad to have you aboard, Major!" "How are you, Captain?" "Hiya, my dear." "(laughs)" "Never felt better in my life." "It's a waste of time, bothering to test me." "(giggles)" "I'm a pacifist myself." "But if war should break out, may I say... (screams)" "Nurse, water!" "Some water!" "Get this man to bed immediately." "Bilko!" "I've never seen such a complete collapse." "Bilko." "HALL:" "Oh, there you are." "Shh!" "He's not to be disturbed, Colonel." "Oh, he isn't?" "Well, this will only take a minute." "This is for you, Marlon Brando." "Marlon..." "Brando?" "Consider this an Oscar for the best acting bit" "I've seen in my whole career." "Acting?" "Major Newman's been examining him all morning." "He says it's the first case he's ever seen of peacetime combat fatigue." "(grunts weakly)" "Colonel, please, don't let the major kick me out of the Army, sir." "Don't let them?" "I thought you wanted to get out." "Oh, no, I want to stay in, sir." "I'll do anything, anything." "Well, now, uh..." "Please, sir." "Uh, very well." "Under certain conditions." "Conditions, sir?" "There'll be no more card playing." "(grunts)" "No more card playing?" "Well?" "No more card playing." "Uh, you'll stop promoting the men, not running any raffles, any dances." "And you'll not use my staff car at your convenience." "Yes, sir." "(door closes)" "And when there's a dr..." "on the drill field, you'll work." "Oh, uh, Major, on behalf of Sergeant Bilko, I'd like to..." "Isn't your concern for Sergeant Bilko a little late, Colonel?" "Concern?" "I'm going to speak frankly, sir." "I've never seen a more run-down soldier in all my years in the Army." "Colonel, you're dealing with a human being." "You can't work a man as though he were a machine." "Bilko work?" "Yes, sir." "To the bone for you." "To the bone for you, sir." "Now, now, now, Sergeant." "It's all right, it's all right." "Colonel, I've decided to let him stay in the Army." "Oh, thank you, sir." "But under certain conditions." "And I'm going to put it in writing." "Under certain conditions?" "Yes." "He's to be excused from all heavy military work." "Excused?" "And he must find something to do with his extra time." "Perhaps he can learn to play cards." "Bilko learn to play cards?" "I'll try, sir." "I'll try." "Keep his mind completely off any military duties." "Assign him to, uh, run dances, raffles for the men." "Let him use your..." "ANNOUNCER:" "Captain Grace was played by John Griggs." "Major Newman was played by Don Douglas."