"( theme song playing )" "SCHULTZ:" "Achtung!" "Achtung!" "Everybody, achtung, achtung!" "Achtung, everybody-- it's a barracks inspection!" "I want everything put back into the footlocker!" "I want the windows washed inside and out!" "I want the walls scrubbed!" "There is going to be inspection by the commandant himself!" "It's okay, Schultz." "It's all clear outside." "What a day, what a day." "I'm more sergeant at a supply depot than at the front." "Schultz, where's my pumpernickel?" "Oh." "I put it where it won't be squashed." "I have it someplace." "I put it where it won't... won't..." "Hey, look, a pumpernickel pizza!" "( laughs )" "A pumpernickel pizza!" "That's a good one, huh?" "Yeah." "Thanks, Schultz." "How about a little snack, Schultzy?" "Well..." "if you insist." "( laughs )" "Just to be sociable." "The bread man came through again." "Great." "Aha!" "That's this section right here." "Only need one more section to complete the puzzle, huh?" "Yeah." "When did the bread man say he could deliver?" "Final delivery Friday." "Great." "Four more days and we're going to have a complete picture of the German West Wall." "And our friendly RAF will make the wall come tumbling down." "Where's Schultz?" "Sacking out in my bunk." "Sleeping off his lunch." "I wonder what he's dreaming about." "His dinner." "SOLDIER:" "Achtung!" "HOGAN:" "General Burkhalter, what a surprise." "It's supposed to be a surprise." "I like to drop in and inspect camp security, especially when Colonel Klink is out." "Show a little respect for the general, men." "Attention!" "Dress right!" "Dress!" "Ah, you'll have to excuse the breach of military etiquette, sir." "The men aren't used to having generals sneaking in on them." "Although you weren't really sneaking-- you just sort of surprised them." "Why, you certainly did." "Didn't he, fellas?" "Right, sir." "Sure did." "I've never been so surprised in me life, sir." "Me, too." "You caught us red-handed." "Of course we weren't doing anything for you to catch us at, but if we had been, you'd have caught us red-handed, which we all know we weren't!" "What a surprise if we were!" "Why is he so nervous?" "I'm not nervous;" "I'm just surprised." "( snoring )" "Stand aside!" "And just what is this?" "I think it's what we call a Schultz." "( gasps )" "BURKHALTER:" "On your feet, Schultz!" "General Burkhalter, what are you doing here?" "First suppose you tell me what you were doing there." "Well..." "You're lying!" "Did you see..." "Enough!" "I don't want to hear any more of your lies." "That's the only one I had." "Schultz, evidently your memory is failing." "You seem to have forgotten which side you are on." "Oh, I'm on our side!" "But you have trouble remembering who's on their side." "Oh, the enemy!" "Excellent, Schultz." "Your memory isn't altogether gone." "A transfer to the Russian Front will completely restore it." "To the Russian Front?" "It works wonders for memory failures." "In just a few days, you won't be able to forget the enemy." "Guards." "Tell the bread man we can't wait till Friday." "We've got to have that picture delivered by tomorrow." "What if he can't do it?" "Then we'll have to work out another delivery system." "Oh, boy, Schultz is our only link to the supply depot." "And when he's gone, you know where that leaves us." "Yeah, with a missing link." "Maybe we could delay Schultz's transfer, at least until after we get the picture." "Klink's got to sign it to make it official." "If he doesn't, Schultz stays." "And if Burkhalter finds out, Klink goes." "We'll just have to make sure" "Burkhalter doesn't find it out." "Busy, Colonel?" "Hogan, I am very busy." "I have a lot of work to do and I do not wish any interruptions." "Right you are, sir." "Hilda!" "Jawohl." "The commandant is not to be disturbed:" "no calls, no visitors and no interruptions, no matter who." "And that's an order." "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant... uh, Colonel Hogan." "Nobody's going to bother you now, sir." "Except you." "Me?" "I'd be the last one to bother you." "Yes, I know." "You're always the first one." "Now, I told you, I do not wish to be disturbed." "Quite so, and I can assure you nobody's going to disturb you." "I feel disturbed." "So do I, sir." "Colonel, I want you to tell me it isn't true." "I want you tell me that you had no part in this." "I want you to tell me the whole thing is a vicious lie." "Of course it is." "What is?" "Sergeant Schultz is being transferred to the Russian Front." "Schultz is transferred to the Russian Front?" "When did this happen?" "While you were in town." "I was sure that you wouldn't do this to the man who thinks you're the finest officer in the Luftwaffe-- a faithful, loyal comrade like Schultz." "The Russian Front." "A target like Schultz wouldn't have a chance." "( knock at door )" "Come in, come in." "Excuse me, Herr Kommandant." "I know you left orders not to interrupt..." "Please, Schultz, you're not interrupting me." "It's always good to see an old comrade." "What can I do for you, eh?" "Nothing." "Nothing anybody can do." "I think you're supposed to sign this." "What is it?" "My transfer to the Russian Front." "Herr Kommandant, please..." "I'm in very bad health-- my head, my back, my heart." "A bullet in any one of those places could be fatal." "Schultz, Colonel Klink wouldn't think of losing his best sergeant." "Ja, but how about me?" "It is you." "Am I right, sir?" "Of course you're right." "Commandant Klink's the one that writes the orders around here and no one else, correct, sir?" "Absolutely." "You mean I do not have to go?" "You heard the commandant;" "now, back to your post." "Schultz, so you made a few stupid mistakes." "You're lazy, you're fat, you sleep on duty." "Still, you're a likable clod." "Come on, Schultz." "But, Herr Kommandant, you said I'm your best sergeant." "You are, Schultz." "I've never had another one like you." "I think we ought to just tear up those orders right now, don't you, sir?" "By the way, Schultz, who issued..." "Uh, Colonel, hey, how about a picture of you and Schultz?" "KLINK:" "A picture, Hogan?" "I've got a lot of work to do." "It'll only take a second, sir." "Just a shot of you tearing up the transfer." "I think it'd give it a nice touch." "How about..." "how about this?" "We let Schultz tear these up." "Uh-huh." "Fine, fine." "I'd like to see General Burkhalter's face when he hears about this." "General Burkhalter?" "When he hears about what, Schultz?" "That we tore up his orders." "Stop that or I'll have you shot!" "Yeah, but you told me..." "Never mind what I told you;" "do what I tell you now." "No more pictures, Hogan." "Well, that's all right." "I didn't have a camera anyway, sir." "Hogan, when was the general here?" "This morning-- he came sneaking into camp for a surprise security check." "Is he still here?" "Uh-huh." "How do you know?" "I can see him." "What is he doing?" "Standing behind you." "Ah!" "General Burkhalter, how very nice to see you." "Those surprise inspections of yours-- they never fail to surprise me." "No, indeed." "A very wise tactic, sir." "Keeps us on our toes, doesn't it, Schultz?" "He can't even keep on his feet." "Did you get the orders for his transfer, Klink?" "Yes, sir, I have." "And I must say I agree with you, sir." "I'm delighted with your suggestion." "To the Führer I make suggestions;" "to you I make orders, which I suggest you carry out at once." "Yes, sir, I will." "And I have." "These orders are all signed, sealed, delivered, and he's on his way to..." "General Burkhalter, how does our camp security look?" "I don't know yet." "If Schultz is any example of your men..." "Oh, oh, oh, no, no, he is not." "I can assure you of that, sir." "I consider him a disgrace to his uniform." "I don't know how he got to be sergeant." "I don't even know how he got into the Luftwaffe." "I don't know how he even got to be a German." "( laughs )" "Maybe he lied about his age." "Hogan!" "At least you haven't lost your sense of humor." "I never had one." "I'll be around, Klink." "Yes, sir." "So will I." "We'll see." "We'll see..." "I've got to hand it to you, Colonel." "That was the greatest job of acting I've ever seen." "You played the cringing bootlicker to perfection." "I am a cringing bootlicker." "That is, I wasn't acting, Hogan." "But you're not going to sign the transfer." "I'm only obeying orders." "Do you realize if you sign that, you're going to be sending a man to a certain death?" "And if I don't," "I'll be sending two of us there." "Schultz, about face." "Four jars of caviar, two canned hams, four bottles of cognac." "Anything else we need?" "You're giving old Schultzy a pretty big list, aren't you?" "Who knows when we'll find another supply sergeant like him?" "Yeah, but still, you know, he can only carry so much under that topcoat." "He can make two trips." "Yeah, or wear two topcoats." "( chuckles )" "Any luck with Klink?" "Yeah, all bad." "Looks like this whole operation is indefinitely postponed." "What?" "Why?" "Schultz has been confined to his quarters till he ships out." "Such a magnificent shopping list I had for him." "Kinch better contact that bread man and cancel tomorrow's delivery." "Do you think he can get us that picture by tomorrow?" "It's what the underground said." "There's got to be a way for us to get to that supply depot." "Klink's really busy now, so he absolutely can't be interrupted." "So what do we do?" "Interrupt him." "Fräulein Hilda, please come in here." "I need some help with this paperwork." "Did you bring your pad?" "Oh, I left it on my bunk." "Hogan!" "It'll just take a second, sir." "Sign that." "Thanks, sir." "Just a minute!" "What was that I signed?" "Just a list of the men for your work detail tomorrow:" "Carter, Newkirk, Kinch, LeBeau." "Oh." "Remember they're being punished, so really make them work." "Don't worry, I'll make them work, all right, but, uh, what kind of work are they supposed to be doing?" "Helping you load supplies for the officers' club." "Schultz is the supply sergeant." "He was; you've confined him to quarters." "Oh." "That means I'll have to find a replacement." "One thing you could depend on was his honesty." "He was a man you could trust." "Yeah, I must give him credit for that." "I always could trust Schultz." "He was too stupid to be dishonest." "Which is more than you can say for your other men." "Those Krauts are the biggest thieves I've ever seen." "That's not true." "Look what they stole from France." "Yes." "Took everything but the Eiffel Tower." "But that was the SS, not the Luftwaffe." "Seen Göring's art collection lately?" "You're right." "If I ever made one of those guards supply sergeant, there won't be a salted herring left for the officers' club." "You may not even have an officers' club." "Only one man that you can really trust, Colonel." "Who's that?" "Colonel Wilhelm Klink." "Aah!" "He's as crooked as the rest of them..." "I am the only one I can trust." "Yes, sir." "And you'll be right there to keep an eye on yourself." "I'll have the men report for the work detail at 0900 minus ten tomorrow." "Fine, fine." "When?" "That's ten minutes of 9:00." "Oh, good, that's even better." "Sliced peaches, 24 cans." "Okay, put them in the van." "Kinch." "Pears, 24 cans." "Okay, put them in the van." "Carter." "Paint." "Paint?" "Paint." "Get it in the van." "I'm sure the men will think twice before they break any more regulations, sir." "You're really working them today." "Hogan, I'm a great believer in discipline." "I'm strict, but I'm fair." "Yeah, no question about it-- you're really making them sweat." "Yes, I was hoping..." "Why are they all wearing overcoats?" "Well, they have to be careful of pneumonia." "HOGAN:" "All right, keep it moving, fellas." "The commandant's got a lot more to pick up." "But I've got everything on the list here." "You better check it with Newkirk, sir." "Oh." "Where is it?" "Are we safe?" "It's now or never." "Where's Colonel Klink's pumpernickel?" "I bring it right out." "Hogan, we don't need any pumpernickel." "Yes, you do." "Pumpernickel's a very German bread." "No, we don't need any pumpernickel, and I hate pumpernickel." "You're being very selfish." "What about the other officers?" "If they want some, they can bring their own." "What if some high-ranking officer goes into the club and asks for pumpernickel?" "High-ranking officers do not come to our officers' club." "Well, what do you expect without pumpernickel?" "Thank you." "I'm not getting something we don't need." "In the truck." "I happen to know that General Burkhalter is crazy about pumpernickel." "Now, when he goes to the officers' club and asks, and they tell him we don't have..." "General Burkhalter had dinner at the officers' club two years ago, and he hasn't been back since." "In the truck or in the cooler, Hogan." "Dismissed!" "We could break into the supply depot." "No chance." "You saw all those guards." "NEWKIRK:" "One lousy loaf of pumpernickel between us and the German West Wall." "If we could keep Schultz here and General Burkhalter saw the kind of soldier he really is..." "He saw that yesterday." "No." "Nope, he saw what Schultz has become." "What about the man inside?" "He ate somebody?" "What Burkhalter has to see is the old Schultz, the fighting machine that had the respect of this entire camp, the man who, when he snapped his fingers, you jumped." "Schultz?" "Our Schultz?" "Sure, that was five years ago." "Obviously, he's suffering from a deep emotional problem, a problem that can only be solved by the noted psychiatrist, Dr. von Schramm." "Sir, you haven't been here five years." "How do you know what Schultz was like?" "Overhead the entire story..." "as I was telling it to you." "Yep, what Burkhalter has to see is the old Sergeant Schultz." "Well, how do we do that?" "Well, I'll leave it up to you..." "Dr. von Schramm." "Colonel, what are we going to do about Schultz?" "Is that why you disturbed me at lunch?" "You're putting it away pretty good for a man that's disturbed." "You want to help Schultz, don't you?" "Look, I've done all I can for him." "I've spoken to General Burkhalter." "When?" "When he told me to sign an order transferring Schultz to the Russian Front." "What'd you say?" "I simply said, "Here it is."" "Now, get out of here, Hogan." "Okay, it's your neck." "And stay out my quart..." "What's my neck?" "Skip it." "It's not that important." "My neck is very important to me." "Now, what do you mean?" "Schultz is being transferred because Burkhalter thinks he's a bad soldier." "He is a bad soldier." "Now, what has Schultz got to do with my neck?" "Colonel, I'm quite sure you've heard the old Prussian saying:" ""A soldier is only as good as the officer he serves."" "I don't buy it, but, uh... an old Prussian might." "An old Prussian like General Burkhalter, you mean." "Does sound like him, doesn't it?" ""A soldier is only as good as the officer he serves."" "It's Burkhalter, all right." "That's something he would say to me." "Yeah, and he'll say it, all right." "Today, the sergeant;" "tomorrow, the commandant." "No, no, General Burkhalter would never transfer me to the Russian Front because of Schultz." "That would be grossly unfair." "It would be unjust and..." "Hogan, what am I going to do?" "Convince Burkhalter to give Schultz another chance to prove the kind of soldier he really is." "He's already seen that." "What we must show him is the kind of soldier that Schultz really is not." "That's it-- great idea, Commandant." "I have my moments of brilliance, Hogan." "Why don't you have one and tell me what we should do?" "Dr. von Schramm, of course!" "Of course!" "Who's Dr. von Schramm?" "I read about the doctor-- the most famous psychiatrist in all of Germany." "You are German, aren't you?" "What does a psychiatrist have to do with Schultz?" "The doctor does miracles with hypnosis-- creates an entire new personality." "Operator, get me Dr. von Schramm in Bremerheim." "May I use your phone, Colonel?" "Oh, ja, ja, ja." "I do hope the doctor makes prison camp calls." "Dr. von Schramm... just a moment, please." "Colonel Klink calling." "( whispers ):" "Try to sound important." "Hallo, this is Colonel Klink speaking of Stalag 13." "Ja." "That's right, that's the place." "Ja." "The doctor's heard of me." "Very impressed." "Ja, ja." "Oh, I would hardly call myself a war hero." ""Unsung" is more like it." "Ja." "Doctor, I have a problem with one of my key men, and I wonder if you could help me." "Yes, I realize you're a little out of the way, but, uh... ( with feminine German accent ):" "As a matter of fact, it isn't, Colonel." "I expect to be in your area all day." "One of our Gestapo officers is showing signs of decency." "Obviously insane." "What are you going to do to me, Frau Doktor?" "I want you to look at this pendant." "Watch it swing back and forth, back and forth." "Your eyes are closing." "Let them close." "Just drift off into a deep sleep." "He'll be completely..." "Colonel Klink." "Colonel Klink!" "( grunts )" "Oh, sorry, I must have dozed off." "Did I miss anything?" "I am about to give him a posthypnotic suggestion." "He'll be a new man when he awakes." "Sergeant Schultz, can you hear me?" "Yes, you said I'm going to be a new man when I awaken." "Am I asleep?" "Certainly you are asleep." "You're in a very deep, deep hypnotic sleep." "Jawohl, Frau Doktor." "( snaps fingers )" "Fantastic." "Believe me, Colonel, he'll never be the same man again." "And if you're not amazed at the results, then my name is not Brunhilde von Schramm." "Sergeant Schultz, you are ruthless, you are fearless, you are a leader of men." "CARTER:" "Roll call, Colonel." "All right, fellas, you know what to do." "KINCH:" "Don't worry, Colonel." "We'll make Schultz look great." "Newkirk, did you round up all the goodies?" "Done, sir." "All right." "Let's go out and prove that Dr. von Schramm is the greatest hypnotist of all time." "Line up, line up." "Okay, Schultz!" "We're not deaf." "Give us half a chance, will you, big fella?" "You're a real tiger this morning, aren't you, Schultz?" "I mean, Sergeant Schultz." "Real tiger?" "Don't tell me you're starting to take this war seriously." "Don't argue with him, just obey him." "We know you're a sergeant." "You don't have to start acting like one, do you?" "Maybe it's about time I do act like one!" "Attention!" "Straighten up, everybody!" "Next thing you know, he'll want to inspect the barracks." "That's exactly what I'm going to do right after roll call." "Eyes front!" "That's Hogan's barracks." "The prisoners are 30 seconds early." "What of it?" "Oh, they've never been early before." "As a matter of fact, they've never been on time before." "This is a big event." "Klink, I'm sure this is a proud moment in your military career." "Thank you, sir." "If you got me up just for that, it is also the end of it." "What is that fathead Schultz doing out there?" "KLINK:" "Being the good German soldier he once was." "General Burkhalter, there is an old Prussian saying:" ""A soldier is only as good as the officer he serves."" "Do you think we created a monster?" "Who was talking?" "The one who was talking will take one step forward!" "( chuckles quietly )" "Everybody was talking, so everybody will do some walking." "There will be one hour close-order drill right after barrack inspection!" "Yes, I think we have created a monster." "General Burkhalter, I found these things hidden in the barracks during my expert inspection." "What have we here?" "Well, very fine cigars." "Knowing that the general smoked cigars," "I thought you might try some to see if they are real." "They could be anything-- saw blades, files, secret messages." "I'll check them out immediately." "That's using your head, Schultz." "Thank you, General." "What have we here?" "Cheese?" "Knowing what a gourmet the general is..." "I'll take it." "Yeah, why don't you check it out at lunch?" "Yes, General, why don't you take the whole carton?" "The general can check the brandy after dinner, and Mrs. Burkhalter can wear the silk stockings to see if they are real." "You have a good man here, Klink." "One of the best!" "Yeah, he said he was going to search the barracks every week." "I did?" "Yes, and I resent it." "You've got an excellent idea, Sergeant." "No telling what you might find." "Jawohl, General!" "I'll send you a list of things to look for." "What about his transfer?" "Nonsense." "You would transfer a fine soldier like him?" "Remember we old Prussians have always said," ""An officer is only as good as the soldier who serves him."" "Oh, no, thanks, sir." "That might be the one that explodes." "SCHULTZ:" "Raus, everybody!" "Raus!" "I need four volunteers for work detail!" "You must be kidding." "We'll find you some." "I think I found them already-- you, you, you and... you." "Oh, shove off." "We just got finished with a work detail!" "That's why I picked you, because I need experienced men." "Ho, ho, ho, ho!" "That's a good one." "All right, wait a minute." "Wait a minute, Schultz." "According to the rules of the Geneva Convention..." "Oh, don't give me any rules, because I do not know how to play the game." "Schultz, these men are exhausted." "I won't allow them to do any more work today." "You don't expect me to unload the supplies for the officers' club by myself." "Supplies?" "That's different." "All right, come on, fellas." "Let's get going." "You rested long enough." "Thank you." "Thank you, Colonel." "Colonel, maybe later on, we could have a little snack, huh?" "That's fine, Schultz, but I'm afraid" "I don't have any more pumpernickel." "( chuckling ):" "I got the last one, but this time, I did not sit on it." "I kept it right here... ( pop )"