"Wow, Walter." "Look at this." "And look at the lights on that house." "Oh yeah, house." "It's great." "And this fresh falling snow makes it the perfect winter scene, don't you think?" "Yeah, my heart is all a-fricking-twitter." "This is my favorite time of year." " I can't do this." "Can't do what?" " I can't get into the Christmas spirit." "Why not?" " For one thing, I just swallowed a lot of that fake snow." "Fake snow?" "What do you mean?" " Stop being a moron." "This is all fake." "Besides that, it's hot as hell in here." "Stop shaking this thing, I'm gonna puke." "Ah, seriously, I'm gonna be sick." "And what's that stuff you're shaking on us over there?" "Asbestos?" "Walter what would it take to get you into the Christmas spirit?" "I don't know." "Are we getting paid for this?" "Yeah." "Merry Christmas." "Ho ho ho." "Merry Christmas to one and all." "Please put your hands together and give a warm Milwaukee welcome... to Mr. Jeff Dunham." "Thank you so much." "Merry Christmas." "And I think I know the answer to this question:" "How are you doing, Milwaukee?" "I'm so excited to be here for the Christmas special." "I've been here three times in the past year and I came here the first time 13 years ago and I thought:" "This is the place when I'm ready to do a TV special, has to be right here in Milwaukee, at the Pabst." "Thanks and Merry Christmas." "Christmas is very special time, in my house too." "I have 3 daughters and a wife." "Christmas presents are a difficult thing." "One daughter has a birthday near Christmas and she turns 16 this year." "And we decided to give her a car." "We bought her a used vehicle." "Anybody that buys a 16-year-old kid a new car..." "I think you're pretty much a moron." "You're not buying them a car, you're buying them a bumper car." "You ever sat in a front seat teaching a 15-16 year-old kid to drive a car?" "Here's the parent in the passenger seat:" "And I'm still in the driveway." "As a parent, there's things you know you're supposed to teach your children... and other things that nobody bothers telling them to do or how to do." "One of those things is how to put gasoline in a car." "I didn't have any sisters, but I know that boys by the age of three... just innately know how to put fricking gas in a car." "Girls, apparently, not so much." "Now, I really think my wife is smarter than me, especially when it comes to raising kids." "She knows things about girls, obviously." "After my daughter had had her car for about a week, my wife she said to me, she said very seriously, she said:" "OK, her car is almost on empty." "I'm going to take her... and she is going to put gasoline in her car for the first time." "and I, not wanting to look like an idiot..." "I pretended I knew what she was talking about." "And so I went:" "OK." "A little while later, they came back from putting gas in the car." "My wife walks in the front door, hands me a video camera and says:" "You gotta see this." "I say: what?" "She goes: trust me." "You're gonna have new material for your show." "So I hit play and there's my daughter standing next to her car... she has the door open on the gas tank and she's standing there doing this:" "Mom, it won't open." "Now, the first indication that my wife can be a very cruel woman when she wants to be... is what she did to help the child." "Nothing." "She just stood there videotaping." "Then you hear my wife say, honey, remember: righty tighty, lefty loosy." "And the 16-year-old girl goes: whatever." "Camera starts shaking." "Then you hear my wife say:" "honey, turn it counterclockwise." "My daughter looked at her watch... and I'm the father standing there, watching the tape, going: no, no, no." "I realized she was looking at her watch 2 or 3 seconds too long... before she realized she was gazing at a digital watch." "To answer your question:" "yes, she's blonde." "But that's good:" "at least she's not just dumb." "So she finally figures it out, pulls the cap off... and we have those six-inch plastic leashes on the gas cap." "I look at those and I go:" "who the hell are these for?" "At some point car manufacturers had a meeting and they went:" "OK... too many idiots don't know what to do with the gas caps." "We gotta put the fricking leash on them." "Were there people at gas stations going:" "Then to add insult to injury, they put that rack thing inside the door... and these same people are supposed to hang the gas cap there." "Very organized." "No, those people are going:" "OK, so now she turns around, she gets the nozzle out of the gas pump." "We all know that in the car there's a hole." "And you have the nozzle... with sleeve that goes over it and that has a little spring on it." "It goes over the hole to keep the fumes from coming when you're filling up." "You know, you would think... that somewhere along the line in the last, I don't know, maybe six months... she would've said to herself:" "I'm gonna be driving soon." "Maybe I should watch mom and dad and take notes... to see how to fill up a car." "But for the last five years, she's been sitting in the back seat going:" "My parents are so stupid." "LOL." "Hey, here's a picture of my foot." "She tried to cram the entire thing with the sleeve into the hole." "Cramming and crushing and pushing." "Mom, it won't fit." "It's the wrong one." "Camera shaking." "Then she finally figures out:" "it's gotta hang right there." "She didn't turn on the pump, swipe a credit card or talk to the guy." "She just stood there, apparently waiting for the magic gas to flow." "And then she started doing this, realized nothing was going on:" "Reaches over, squeezes the thing." "Camera's shaking." "Mom, it won't stay on." "there's the second indication that my wife can be cruel when she wants to be:" "She didn't tell the child what to do." "She walked over to the car." "You see her hand reach into the frame." "What she did took about half a second." "This is cruelty to children." "She squeezes the thing with her pinky... flips it shut like this to keep it squeezed, hand out of the frame." "My daughter goes:" "Mom, how did you do that?" "Now we come to what I thought would be my favorite part of the episode:" "The swiping of the credit card." "First she has to walk over here and get the credit card out ofthe bottom of her purse." "The purse, the woman's purse." "That's another thing." "That is an evil accessory thing that women have." "Guys don't wanna fricking get near the woman's purse." "We carry everything we need in life in a piece of leather, folded over, that big." "My wife will say, get my keys out of my purse." "I'm like, I ain't touching that thing." "I've heard noises coming out of there." "It's evil." "I've seen you pull farm tools out of that." "She shake her purse, nothing comes out." "Then reach in, 'look, a bowling ball'." "There it is." "I know my daughter has to swipe the credit card..." "I'm thinking: swiping the credit card..." "is gonna be funny as hell." "I'm the guy in the store with a credit card... trying to match the way the stripe goes with the picture." "OK, is this upside down?" "This is not 3-D, I don't understand this diagram." "Could you help me?" "Thank you." "I know that my daughter has..." "And I'm thinking, a 16-year-old girl... is never gonna know how to swipe a credit..." "What the hell was I thinking?" "She was trained by the Ninja of Shoppers." "My wife at Christmas time is like:" "swipe, swipe, swipe." "It's unbelievable." "The time that it took my daughter to walk over here... get in her purse, find the credit card, walk over here... swipe it and for my money to be flowing away at five bucks a gallon..." "I had to slow down the videotape to frame-by-frame to see how it happened." "That's the end of my story, but all I know is the next time this 16-year-old pisses me off... that videotape is going on YouTube, damn it." "Thank you." "'We' are very excited to be here doing the Christmas special." "I say 'we', most of us are excited." "There's one guy that's been curmudgeonly about all Christmas things." "Please help me welcome my old friend Walter." "Oh, my Lord." "Where the hell are we now?" "Well, they did a hell of a job decorating the gym." "It's not a gym." "You can see all the way..." " Yeah." "Look at that." "Jump." "So where the hell are we?" " Wisconsin." "Why are we here?" "Did you lose a bet?" " Will you stop it?" "This is a great city, great state." "What's the theater?" " The Pabst." "As in beer?" " That's right." "That's just great." "If the show sucks, we'll all get wasted." "This theater is very historic." "It originally was an old vaudeville house." "Oh, and we're here now." "That's great." "Our career is zooming." "Next, we could be in Minnesota opening a Waffle House." "What the hell is wrong with you?" "You should be happy like me." "Shut the hell up." "So, Walter, you look very festive." "Happy holidays." "You're really gonna try this, aren't you?" "Happy holidays." "I am not doing any Christmas crap." "It'll be fun." "You are so gay." "Just pretend." " What?" "Fake it." "Does your wife do that too?" "You know, it used to hurt my feelings." "Now I realize it's just a great time saver." "We're done, where's the remote?" "Can we just do this?" " OK, well, start over." "Hey, Walter?" " Yes, what is it, Jeff?" "Sorry, I can't act worth shit." "You look very festive." "Happy holidays." "What?" " Happy holidays." "I've been wanting to say this for a couple of years now:" "screw you, it's merry Christmas." "You know Walter, there are people of other faiths." "And they're wrong." "What if somebody walked up to you and very sincerely said to you:" "Happy Kwanzaa." "What would you do?" "First, I'd purchase them an eye color chart." "Then I'd throw away the champagne and pull out the fricking malt liquor." "Ho ho, yo-yo." "I understand." " Word." "Word?" " Do you feel me?" "Do you know what you're talking about?" " Fo' shizzle." "Where did you learn all this?" "My cable box got stuck on the BET Network." "I learned a lot of new stuff." "Apparently, now I'm ghetto fabulous." "Chill, home dawg." "I'm thinkin' of bustin' a cap on yo ass." "Cracker." "Nice badonkadonks." "Oh yeah, there's nothing better than a woman's nice badonkadonk." "She looks familiar." "Turn around." "What?" "I think she's my screensaver." "Impressive." " No idea what I just said... but I'm sure there's gonna be hookers at our hotel tonight." "And a badonkadonk chick." "Put that thing away." " We left out a couple of new jokes." "I don't care." "Put the damn thing away." "Put it away." "Now." "I don't wanna do it." "Put it away." "Don't you flare your nostrils at me, asshole." "I'll take you out right here." "Will you just listen to me?" "We left out a couple of the new jokes." "We did?" " Yeah." "Hang on a second." "Son of a bitch." "Here's a good one, right there." "There's the badonkadonk chick." "That's you." "That was a good one." "Do that one." "It's a good one" " No, I don't wanna do that one." "We rehearsed it." " I don't care." "Takes two of us make decisions." "And one of us doesn't want to do it." "Please?" "What?" "Please?" " What the hell is wrong with you?" "What?" " No man says please to another man." "The girls at your house are getting to you." "You're acting like a chick." "Will you just do this?" " Oh, Lord." "Alright, what the hell." "Thank you." " Whatever." "Hey, Jeff." "Have you ever yelled out the wrong name during sex?" "That's not it." " I don't care." "I wanna do this one." "No." " Your wife said you have." "That was a long time ago." " I know, it was awkward." "He went:" "Philip." "That is not true." " Still funny as hell." "I'm very happy for the African Americans that they have the Kwanzaa holiday." "How come there's no all-white holidays?" " What?" "Merry Caucasia." "Tonight we're having our usual Caucasia dinner:" "Meatloaf and Tater Tots." "And sing our traditional Caucasia songs:" "Free Bird and Margaritaville." "Merry Caucasia." " You could be the poster child for that holiday." "Can we talk a little bit more about Christmas?" " Whatever." "So, what did you get your wife?" " A mop." "What?" "You take the stick out:" "hey, it's a wig." "Where are you shopping for your wife?" " At the 99-cent store." "What did you get your grandson?" " A sponge." "That's not a toy." " It is when you convince him it's Spongebob." "What did he say to that?" " Spongebob doesn't have a scour side." "I said: he is when he has an infection." "Keep scrubbing." "What were your favorite toys as a kid?" " Nothing like today." "What do you mean?" " They got computer games and all." "We didn't have that stuff." "To play tennis, we went outside and swung a racket." "None of that Wii Wii crap." "And playing the guitar, there were strings, not frickin' colored buttons." "And no shoot-'m-up games." "We actually went outside and killed the asshole." "I like the ones where you shoot the aliens." " We shot a lot of foreigners too." "What?" " What about people of other religions?" "What the hell am I supposed to do?" "Walk around and ask everybody what they are before I say anything to them?" "What?" "You're Catholic and you're Protestant?" "Well, Merry Christmas." "You're Jewish?" "Hang on." "Happy Hanukkah." "What are you?" "Atheist?" "Oh well then, have a nice day." "And what are you?" "What was that?" "I don't know, I couldn't understand what the hell he said." "Hey, get back to me when you learn the fucking language." "Say good night, Walter." "There we go." "That's Walter." "Not too long ago, I became acquainted with a terrorist." "But apparently he was not an accomplished terrorist." "I don't know if he actually accomplished anything that he set out to do..." "I do know that he managed to blow himself up." "I thought it'd be fun for him to come here on this Christmas special." "Please welcome Achmed, the Dead Terrorist." "Good evening." " Merry Christmas... infidels." "How are you, Achmed?" " No." "Do not say my name." "Why not?" " I'm incognito." "I have now successfully blended into your society." "Thanks to this master disguise." "You have on a disguise?" " Silence." "I kill you." "Silence." "I kill you too." "So your disguise is this Christmas hat?" "Don't." "Don't say Christmas." "It's a holiday hat." "Why can't I say Christmas?" " You offend the other infidels." "You're afraid of offending people?" " Yeah." "You're a terrorist: you kill people." "That's different." "What?" " Killing folks is easy." "Being politically correct is a pain in the ass." "Have you ever actually killed anyone?" " Yeah." "Where?" " In a video game." "Grand Theft Camel." "Hey!" "That's a great video game." "Terrorists around the world love that game." "My son loved that game." " Your son?" "He's not around any more." " Why not?" "I'm a horrible parent." " Why?" "I took him to "Take Your Kid To Work Day"." "It's not funny." "My wife is still pissed at me." "She said: where's our son?" "Then I go: over there, over there and up there." "Kids nowadays, they blow up so fast." "So you're trying to impersonate someone?" "I'm Santa Claus, damn it." "I look just like him." "I'm jolly." "And I'm fat... ish." "You're not fat." " I am if I'm a super model." "Screw you, that's funny." "What happened to your big fat tummy?" " It's over there, over there and up there." "You don't look like Santa Claus." " I sound just like him." "What?" " I can do his laugh perfectly." "Really." " You wanna hear?" "OK, here we go." "Merry Christmas." "I kill you." "Happy Hanukkah..." "Not." "dreidel, dreidel, dreidel I need another dynamite" "Santa Claus goes: ho, ho, ho." " That's what I said: ha, ha, ha." "I don't have any lips, you ass." "How do I have phlegm?" "I don't have an esophagus." "Didn't think that went through, did you?" "Last week I got really drunk, I couldn't throw up 'cause I don't have a stomach." "Just a bunch of dusty heaves." "Silence, I..." "Oh, not this crap again." "Oh wait." "Son of a bitch." "What the hell?" "Need some frickin' duct tape." "That's what I need: a..." "I kill you." "I kill you till you're dead." "That's worse." "Why did you put my hand in your ass?" "Well, at least now maybe we'll get a better parking place." "I hate this job." "This job?" " No, the other one." "You know:" "Can I put this back?" " I don't know, I can't see over there." "What are all these marks on your arm?" " Your frickin' Chihuahua." "So what exactly happened?" "We were playing Twister." "And I got Left Hand Green." "I reached too far and my arm popped off." "Walter laughed..." "Peanut kicked it... and the fucking dog ran out the door with it." "It wasn't funny." "I had to chase him around the yard." "It was horrible." "Ever step in dog poop with a bone foot?" "It's like some horrible Play-Doh Fun Factory." "Oh Achmed, I'm very sorry you're having a tough time." "My life sucks." "Can I ask you a question?" " Whatever." "Have you ever actually succeeded in blowing anything up?" "Yeah." "What have you actually blown up?" "A woman." "You blew up a woman?" "She was inflatable." "You know, an inflatable virgin?" "I had to stop seeing her." " Why?" "She popped." "She ended up on the chandelier." "She'd been there before, but not like that." "Where do you find an inflatable virgin?" "Right next to the inflatable goats." "Oh, like you've never done that." "Seriously, how far are we from Iowa?" "Listen, I'm very sorry you're having a tough time." "Yeah, thanks a lot." "So talk to someone who's had trouble as well." "I don't know anybody like that." "You could talk to Walter." "He's not around here, is he?" " Yeah, he's backstage." "Why are you afraid of Walter?" " He's one mean son of a bitch." "Well, I'm sorry you're frightened of him." "Can I do anything for you?" "Really?" " Yeah, whatever." "Could you hold me?" "I'm not kidding." "Just a little bit." "Is that Aqua Velva?" "Are you OK now?" " Could you just..." "One more thing: could you say something nice to me too?" "OK, I like your hat." "You do?" "I love Christmas." "You're Muslim." " No, I'm not." "I'm made in China." "Walter said they're going to recall me." "I don't want to go back to China." "I hate Chinese food." "It goes right through me." "I didn't know you liked Christmas." " Yes, I have a big tree." "I had a big tree last year too." " You did?" "Yeah, I decorated it until it was almost perfect and then I blew it up." "I can't wait to see Santa Claus and sit on his knee." "I'm gonna tell him what I want and then I'm gonna blow him up." "Rudolf the No-head Reindeer." "I even got presents for all you guys." " You did?" "Even Walter." " That's very nice." "Yes, but when Walter opens his, make sure you stand back a little bit." "Shut the hell..." "So what else do you like about Christimas?" " I love singing Christmas carols." "You do?" " Yes." "So, like, which ones?" " The favorites that we all know and love." "You know, like Bin Laden is Coming to Town." "Oh Holy Crap." "oh holy crap" "I think I blew my foot off" "And then there is the always lovely Silence Night." "But, of course, my favorite is Jingle Bombs." "Could we be honored with a little Jingle Bombs?" "If I'm going to sing, I must have master musical accompaniment." "I think we have that." " We do." "You know this guy." "You've seen him on YouTube with my millions of video clips." "You like him a lot." "Please welcome him." " Brian Haner." "Otherwise know as Guitar Guy." "Hey there, Brian." " Good to see you." "Hey, Guitar Guy." "Thanks for coming and thanks for dressing like crap for our show." "What the hell." "I guess you're saving money for your drug abuse." "Oh, he does drugs and he shares them with me." "How do you think I lost all this weight?" "Listen, Guitar Guy, I'm glad you are here today." "And I must say, you're a master at playing your guitar, are you not?" "Of course you are." "Have you heard of this game:" "Guitar Hero?" "I've been practicing and when it comes to playing the guitar..." "I think that now I could kick your ass on the guitar, I know I can." "Did I see Guitar Hero?" "I meant Halo." "I think Brian is better than you." " I know." "I got nothing now." "My life sucks more." "I have so many problems." "We heard about them." " No, there's more." "Would you like to hear?" "Last week..." "I thought I had scoliosis." "This is where Jeff makes up crap just to make Guitar Guy laugh." "You think that's funny?" "You told me I was twisted." "I thought you meant my sense of humor." "Wait till you get scoliosis." "You'll be playing guitar behind your head, because you have to." "Don't look at me." "That's what she said." "Did you know he had scoliosis?" " No, I didn't." "Maybe we should talk to him about it." "Achmed, what did you do about the scoliosis?" "I went to the doctor..." "What happened?" " The idiot goes: hey, let's take an X-ray." "I said: you idiot, how about a frickin' Polaroid?" "The same thing in my..." "Oh crap, not again." "Apparently I had polio too." "Well, anybody with poliosis should..." "Now wait..." "Wait a minute." "What the fuck is poliosis?" "Help, I'm twisted and I can't get up." "I forgot where we were." "Milwaukee, asshole." "Guitar Guy, I want to sing my song, but right now I am not inspired exactly." "So you know what you need to do?" "You need to play me something." "Inspire my soul with your music." "Play me something you think I would like." "You racist bastard." "I hate Irish music." "Do I look like a leprechaun?" "I'm looking for me lucky charms." "Kind of hard to hope for lucky charms when you have poliosis." "I can't even eat lucky charms." "They go right through me too." "The little oat x's hurt when they come out." "Oh, there's a blue moon." "Now I can fart in a rainbow of colors." "Why don't you just do the song?" " I don't care" "OK, I'll do the song now." "I need a note so I know where to head." "You got a note for me, Guitar Guy?" "You weren't even close." "Gosh, I wonder why?" "Look at my giant ears." "Can we have the note again?" " Yeah, good." "Didn't hear it the first time." "dashing through the sand with a bomb strapped to my back" "I have a nasty plan for Christmas in Iraq" "I got through checkpoint A but not through checkpoint B that's when I got shot in the ass by the US military" "Silence." "I'm not finished." "And this is a sad song." "oh, jingle bombs, jingle bombs mine blew up, you see where are all the virgins that Bin Laden promised me, oh jingle bombs, jingle bombs your soldiers shot me dead the only thing that I have left is this towel upon my head" "I used to be a man but every time I cough thanks to Uncle Sam my nuts keep falling off" "Stop looking, you perverts." "You can look, badonkadonk chick." "And I have an Irish wiener." "It's magically delicious." "OK, that's funny, I give you that one." "That was good." "my bombing days are gone I need to find some work perhaps it would be much safer as a convenient store night clerk, oh jingle bombs, jingle bombs I think I got screwed don't laugh at me because I'm dead or I kill you" "Thank you." "Thank you so much." "My first special we had a guy on that I knew the audiences would enjoy." "But I had no idea he'd get the following he has now." "How do you describe him?" "Just white-trash trailer park, here is Bubba J." "How are you doing, Bubba J?" " I'm doing pretty good." "What have you been doing?" " Same thing I do every weekend." "Just watching NASCAR and drinking beer." "You've been writing Santa a letter." " I done that on the computer." "Did you mail it to him?" " No." "Why?" " My computer won't fit in the mailbox." "Walter's right." "You are a dumbass." "You knowBubba J, I took the opportunity of printing your letter for you." "I noticed that the ink was kind of weird." "That's because I was running out of ink, so I mixed it with beer." "You mixed beer with ink?" "And if you smell that thing when you're reading it, you get a contact drunk." "I learned that from Guitar Guy." "Beernog." " How do you make beernog?" "You take a big old bowl of eggnog... and you pour it down the sink." "And you drink a beer." "I'm interested in what you wrote." "Could you read the letter?" "Yeah, sure, OK." "Bubba J." " Hang on, I ain't done yet." "Bubba J." " I ain't done yet." "What?" "Don't yell at me." "You're scaring me when you yell." "You remind me of that judge on American Idol." "Simon." " Paula." "What I meant was:" "could you read the letter out loud?" "OK, you didn't say that." "Dear Santa." "Hi, it's me, Bubba J." "That's me." "I was the guy last Christmas who lit the fireplace... just as you came down the chimney." "Sorry about your suit and your ass." "Next time you should wear a NASCAR suit." "See, it don't burn." "He needs fire retarding tidy whities." "You lit Santa on fire?" " No, the damn fireplace did." "And what happened?" " Whooosh." "He burst into flames like Marilyn Manson at a Baptist revival." "Bubba J, that's awful." " That's why I'm still in therapy." "It was hard to hear Santa go from ho ho ho, to ho ho holy shit." "Why didn't you put him out?" " That would've been a waste of beer." "What about water?" " We don't drink that crap." "So how did you put him out?" "I peed on him." "I've added a new step to that list." " What list?" "Stop, drop the good rolling around so I can piss on you." "What else was going on?" "My dumbass brother was singing:" "on the first day of Christmas Santa was on fire and Bubba was a-whizzing on his head on the second day of Christmas Santa said to me" "See, his face is all wrapped up in gauze." "This is terrible." " It seemed like it at the time." "Next day it's funnier than hell." "We peed on ourselves, laughing about it." "Was there anything going on outside that night?" "Outside?" "My cousin Elroy shot Santa's reindeer deer." "What?" "It's not too often you see a twelve-point buck standing on your freakin' roof." "We ate good for a month." "Did you write more?" " Yeah, let me see." "Also Santa, in place of cookies this year, we're leaving you deer jerky." "Guess where that came from." "Ha, ha." "The End." "Signed, Bubba J." "PS: just to make sure, you know we moved." "Not too far, the parking brake came loose." "Now we live at 6738.2." "So are you going to ask Santa for anything for Christmas?" "A beer." "Ask for something bigger than that." " A beer truck." "How long have you been drinking?" " Since six a.m." "Yesterday." "A week ago." "I meant your whole life." " Yeah." "Hell, my mama was drunk when I was nursing." "That's awful." " No, to me they were nature's kegs." "We've been on tour and you've been having fun." "Lots of fun." "I like getting on a bus, and tour around." "I've made some friends." " You like Guitar Guy." "He's become a buddy." "I like Guitar Guy, he's fun." "You've worked on something with him." " Yeah." "Hi, Guitar Guy." "He's purty." "Let's do the song." " Here we go." "You're gonna like this song." "It's Christmas." "oh, say can you see" "Yankee Doodle" "free bird" "What's wrong?" " I've forgot to memorize the words." "I wrote down the words for you on a piece of paper." "On the back of your letter." " Oh good." "OK, hang on." "Let me see that." "What?" "OK, I got it." "got my dog and a six-pack inside my truck my wife rides in the back because she won't shut up there's a deer in the headlights and though it might be a sin" "I gun the motor and run over him it's a roadkill Christmas venison pre-tenderized it's a roadkill Christmas 'cause they freeze when the lights hit their eyes she loaded him into the back of the truck" "I was driving us home that's when he done woke up" "I couldn't believe what I saw in my rearview mirror my wife was a-wrestling with a mad deer it's a roadkill Christmas she had 50 pounds over him it's a roadkill Christmas it was no time till she had him pinned" "by the time we got home he was her pet that night he slept on my side of the bed" "I had to spend a night out in my truck but I had some beer so I didn't give a... darn" "That was close." " I know, I almost said damn." "a couple of days later I made him a deal if he worked for me then he would not be my next meal" "I covered his antlers with foil and then" "I plugged the TV cable into his rear end it's a roadkill Christmas every Sunday he's up on my roof it's a roadkill Christmas" "I get NASCAR and the NFL too it's a roadkill Christmas that dumb deer changed my life it's a roadkill Christmas next time I'll run over my wife" "That's Brian and Bubba J." "Well ladies and gentlemen, the next guy has been in my show for many many years, so if you've seen my show before, you'll know him." "Please welcome my buddy, Peanut." "How are you doing, Peanut?" " I'm doin' pretty good." "How about you?" "I'm fine." " That's good, that's good." "Christmas time" "Christmas time" "I love Christmas time in Milwaukee, Wisconsin" "Peanut, why are you singing?" " Well, the star always sings in his show." "I don't know if you're actually the star of the show." "OK, that reminds me of a song." "oh, Jef-fa-fa" "oh, Jef-fa-fa oh, Jef-fa-fa without me you would suck caca" "oh, Jef-fa-fa oh, Jef-fa-fa you are my bitch" "Milwaukee, yes, I love Milwaukee and I love the badonkadonk chick" "You need to go out with me, you know why?" "You go purple, you never go back." "Milwaukee, Milwaukee yes, I love Milwaukee" "Peanut, what is wrong with you?" " Nyquil and Red Bull." "Will you calm down?" " I don't think I can, can, can." "Just hold on, take deep breaths." "Slow it down." "Are you OK?" " I think so." "Look at me." "You're so cute." "There's one more member of our family we need to introduce." "Hold it: family?" "We're a family?" "Oh my gosh." "Please tell me I'm adopted." "And I'd like to be an Angelina Jolie adoptee." "And one who's still nursing." "I'm sorry, Brad Pitt, that I'm the kid and I'm frickin' thirsty." "My biggest decision of the day would be:" "hmm, let's see, left or right?" "Or right down the middle." "Peanut, how did we go from Christmas..." " To Angelina's boobs?" "Can you get them for Christmas for me, please?" "They would be my holiday hooters." "You ever put tinsel on a tata?" " Will you stop it?" "all I want for Christmas are her two headlights" "Brad Pitt's gonna be unhappy." "You're making fun of his wife's titties." "Yes, I said titties." "Bodacious tatas." "If they're little they're titties." "If they're big they're tatonsters." "Titzillas." "Titonics." "Those are sad, 'cause when they get older they sink." "Holy crap, I made you laugh on that one." "Globes of love." "I was actually talking about José." " The jalapeño?" "On a stick?" "I don't think José celebrates Christmas." "No?" " They do something called Navidad." "With some chick named Phyllis." "Feliz Navidad." " Yeah, that bitch." "That means merry Christmas in Spanish." "Olé." "Here he is." " José Jalapeño on a stick." "Good evening and merry Christmas." "Gracias, señor." "It's good to see you both, señor Dunham and Peanut." "We're talking about Christmas." " I love Christmas." "What the hell is Chreestmas?" " Isn't it Christmas?" "No, no, it was Chreestmas." "Are dyou making fun of my accent?" " Dyes." "I understand you guys were on your first ski trip." "José and Achmed saw snow for the first time ever." "How was the skiing?" " Great." "I had to snowboard." "Stick." "José, did you dress warmly for the trip?" " Sí." "What did you wear?" " A scarf." "And one boot." "I told him he should've just worn a garden hose." "You know what he can use as a raincoat?" "A condom." "So how did the trip go?" " It was a disaster." "Really?" "What happened?" "Achmed broke his leg." "The bone was sticking out." "It's always sticking out." " Did you put a splint on it?" "Of course." " What'd you use?" "Me." "So when did this happen?" " During the avalanche." "Avalanche?" "Achmed started it." "We told him not to bring that bomb." "He had a bomb?" " On a stick." "Why did Achmed have a bomb?" " I think he's a workaholic." "What happened after the avalanche?" " We were kept in the snow for 3 days." "Did you have anything to eat?" " A jalapeño." "You're a sick bastard." "We were finally rescued by a Saint Bernard." "But the dog took Achmed and buried his ass." "And his head, and his feet." "It was hilarious." "Why didn't you help Achmed?" " We were laughing too hard." "I want to get back to Christmas." "How do you celebrate the holidays?" "We wake up in the morning..." " And then they take a nap." "I'm kidding, I know they work very hard." "They run to the border and decorate all of the barbed wire." "José does not run to the border." " You're right, he goes boing, boing, boing..." "José, what does Christmas mean to you?" "It's the day Jesús was born." " Right." "I didn't know your gardener was born on Christmas." "Hey Jesús." "Happy birthday, man." "Today you can skip the leaves." "José, what do you want for Christmas?" " I think he needs a bigger stick." "That's not what your mother said." "That was José Jalapeño." "No, wait a minute." "Oh man, that sucks." "I want to kick his ass." "Or kick his stick." "Or kick his sticky ass." "We're gonna do something a little different." "You're gonna be funny?" "It's a Christmas miracle." "Let's all hold hands and sing Kumbaya." "No, what I'd like to do is something that's been a tradition every Christmas Eve in my family for many years." "We're gonna get drunk and throw up." "No, I'd like to read everyone the story The Night Before Christmas." "OK..." "No." "This will be good." " No, it'll suck." "No, let me say it in Japanese: no." "You have the book?" "Oh, my Lord." "I am so sorry." "If you insist on reading this lame-ass 120-year-old story... we need good music." " We have that." "Let's have Guitar Guy come back then." "Thanks for taking out time between your drug sessions on the bus back there." "He doesn't do drugs." " Oh yes, he does." "How do you know that?" "Before the show we were backstage talking about comedy." "Yeah." "I asked him for some good lines, he gave me a straw." "You know how else I know you do drugs?" "Because you're looking me in the eye and you think I'm actually looking back." "Drug Man." "Evil superhero, that's what you could be." "An evil superhero?" " Absolutely." "You could have a cape." "Unfurl it and a big puff of light comes out." "Druggies are following you." "It's Drug Man." "Drug Man." "He's pissed now." "Hopefully he'll never figure out that this is actually all you." "On the bus tonight be afraid, be very afraid." "You'll wake up and Walter's head will be in bed with you." "You should've been in The Godfather." " Why?" "You could make the horse's head in bed talk: good morning." "Stop picking on Brian." " OK, OK." "I heard Bubba say you're gay." "You're so cute." "Gay." "He's not gay." " OK." "Alright." "A gay guy has a guy that he hangs around with and does things together..." "Oh-my-gosh." "This explains everything." "I'm not gay." " Come on." "Seriously, which one of you is the girl?" "Let me guess: the one with the guitar or the one who has the dolls?" "Can I just read The Night Before Christmas?" "Yeah, what every straight guy wants to do." "Gay." "Wait, you've got to bring this thing to life." "You got to make it today." "You got some music that'll make this thing rock and roll really good?" "What kind of music fits this story?" "Come on, let's hear it." "Hear it!" "I have a headache." "Come on, what do you got?" "Let's hear it." "OK, he wasn't doing cocaine, it was pot." "Are you a pot person?" "You're a ganja guy?" "A doobie dude?" "A Mary Jane musician?" "OK." "Peanut, this is Christmas." " And now I'm hungry." "Alright, let's do the story." " Whatever." "And now, "The Night Before Christmas"." "This could be a good time for the Muslims to go to the bathroom." "'Twas the night before Christmas..." " And all the Jews were at the movies." "Or eating Chinese food." "I'm just trying to include everybody." "'Twas..." " Hold it." "What?" "!" "Who the hell says 'Twas?" " It's in the story." "It's old and stupid." "It's tradition." " 'Tis it?" "'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house..." "Why is it always a house?" "Like there's kids that live in apartments." "How does Santa Claus get to the kids in the apartments, Uncle Jeffie?" "They have to buzz his ass in." "Santa Claus." "And all through the apartments not a creature was stirring..." "Except for the asshole in 2-B." "They're drunk and hitting each other with menorahs." "Oy vey." "That's Jewish for holy shit." "Nothing funnier than throwing in a couple of holy shits before" ""The Night Before Christmas", huh?" "Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse." "Mouse?" "You wish." "You're in an apartment, that's a rat." "The stockings were hung by the chimney with care." "And believe me, the room could use some fresh air." "How did that tradition start?" "Hanging up dirty laundry hoping Santa would fill them with goodies." "I'd like to suck on this candy cane, but it smells like Dad's feet." "Good thing the tradition wasn't jockstraps." "Sally, what's in yours?" "Nuts." "And Mommy says they're magically delicious." "You are ruining this story." "You're the pervert eating out of your own jockstrap." "Is this the part with kids and sugar plums dancing in their heads?" "What does that mean?" "I think they're hallucinating." "These apartment children are on drugs." "Santa's gonna bring me a G.I. Joe and a bong." "And Daddy wants a ho ho ho." "It's Daddy and the three hos." "With mama in her kerchief and I in my cap, had just settled down..." "For a mixed snort of crack." "Oh, Guitar Guy." "You're in this story too." "Get to the part where Santa gets busted for breaking and entering." "It's not breaking and entering." " Keep dreaming." "I think it qualifies." "As I drew in my head and was turning around... down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound." "He fell down." "And doesn't it say his face was all red?" "Why does no one ever see this?" "He is drunk off his ass." "This is a horrible, horrible, story." "He was dressed all in fur from his head to his foot... and his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot." "That, drinking and driving, in a furry gay outfit covered in soot." "He's smoking and you let him in the house... because he said he had something for your kids." "What the hell a kind of a father are you anyway?" "If I were you, I'd check his I.D., then Taser his fat ass." "And how fat is this guy anyway?" "People always leave plates full of cookies." "I think he's a diabetic too, don't you think?" "." "You got to leave him a plate full of insulin." "Can't wait to hear The Night Before Christmas, part 2:" "Santa's on dialysis and he's missing a leg." "And all his little dollies have poliosis." "Can I finish this story?" " Oh, please do." "He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle..." "Gotta go quick, 'cause there's a cop with a pistol." "But I heard him exclaim ere he drove out of sight..." "Merry Christmas to all." "Oh crap, I ran over your bike." "You guys have been a great audience." "Thanks for coming, Merry Christmas." "Thank you." "Give him a big hand, my good friend Brian Haner, ladies and gentleman." "Merry Christmas." "Subtitles by LeapinLar"