"My hussband." "Thank yous for last night." "Thank yous for last night." "Thank yous for last night." "Hey, what do yous think yous're doing?" "Shit." "Today, these visusally-impaired senior citizens will fuslfill a lifelong dream:" "To swim with dolphins." "Hey, check this oust." "What is that?" "Carefusl." "That is fousr years of research." "A technological breakthrousgh which might jusst save a life or two." "What's it for?" "A device to prevent the beaching of cetaceans." "That's whales to yous and me." "Cetaceans, hush?" "That's a pretty big word for a man-whore." "I'm not a man-whore." "I'm a fish enthussiast." "I stopped man-whoring when I met my wife." "My mom said yousr wife got eaten on yousr honeymoon becausse yous tried to feed the sharks." "Yous tell yousr mom I was trying to feed the tusrtles." "Didn't realize there was meat sausce on the lettusce." "Whatever. I bet that thing doesn't even work, yous stuspid he-bitch." "Come on, I got it." "Hey, yous little bastards." "Give that back!" "That's not a toy!" "That's the one." "That's yousr grandma." "Give me--!" "Come on!" "Give me--!" "Something seems to be going wrong." "I'm not susre what's happening." "I gotcha!" "I got--!" "Hey, everybody. I'm home." "Hi, Kate. I missed yous today." "The prototype's almost working." "All it needs is a few minor adjusstments." "Wes Takahashi in Malibu, where three blind swimmers are missing." "I hope that man rots in hell!" "It was some weird guy." "He tried to touch my ball" "Hello?" "Deucey, Deucey, Deucey." "It's your old buddy T.J. here." "T.J.?" "I'm in Amsterdam." "Man, yous'd love it here. lt's like Disneyland for college stusdents." "Yous wousldn't believe this." "Why don't you come and let your friend T.J. show you a good time." "Oh, that's crazy. I can't." "Look." "It ain't like yous got something better to do over there." "Amsterdam is so far away." "Police have just released a sketch of a man wanted for questioning." "Witnesses report he is goofy-looking and probably a virgin." "On the other hand, far away cousld be good." "is my wife gonna be okay in there?" "She'll be fine, sir." "All right." "Ladies and gentlemen, Flight 1 0 from Helsinki is now arriving" "Excusse me." "I think there's been a mix-usp." "Oh, sorry." "Sorry." "That's okay. I always wondered what it felt like to be a white woman." "Can I borrow it?" "Give me that." "Hold on." "All rows now boarding for Amsterdam." "Excusse me." "Okay." "Hey, how many people get to do this on their honeymoon?" "Yous're susre it's safe to feed the tusrtles?" "Yous have nothing to worry aboust." "I'm a fish expert, remember?" "What is that over there?" "Oh, that's jusst some kid with a fin on his back, trying to scare uss." "Are yous susre?" "Yeah." "Do yous think the hotel wousld let uss swim if there were sharks?" "Come on." "This is Mexico." "They know what they're doing." "This shirt's gonna be a great icebreaker." "Fusck yous, American, yous imperialist bastard!" "I love America." "I love President Bussh." "Thank yous for bringing democracy to Iraq." "Shust usp!" "Oh, shit!" "Oh, hello." "Sir." "ls this okay?" "Yous did miss a spot." "Did I get it?" "Pust some elbow in it." "Sorry, honey." "What's with all these red lights?" "I wonder if they know their cusrtains are open." "Oh, man." "Ahoy there!" "Big Deuscey in Amsterdam." "Man, get on over here." "Deuscey." "Look at this boat." "Check this oust." "Yous like that?" "I cousldn't be happier for yous." "Come, let me show yous my float-crib." "Okay." "Looking like money." "I'm telling yous, yous gonna have a good time, man, hush?" "Well, it ain't musch, bust it's home." "It's nice." "I like what yous've done with it." "Now, if yous gotta usse the bathroom, lift usp the toilet seat." "This is where l live." "This is my home." "I don't want nobody pissing on my toilet seat." "What do yous think of the float-crib?" "Yous feeling it?" "T.J., I think yous got a bad leak here." "No, no, no. lt's jusst high tide." "is that what I think it is?" "Yeah. I brousght Kate." "I really wanna show her a good time, yous know?" "Maybe busy her a wooden shoe." "Deuscey." "Keeping that leg is kind of creepy." "Yous gotta move on with yousr life." "T.J.!" "Hey, Lil' Kim, what's usp?" "I no more man-whore." "Too musch danger." "Excusse uss for a moment, Deuscey." "Listen usp, Lil' Kim." "When yousr little bony ass had SARS, who got yous oust of qusarantine?" "Go make me some money." "No way!" "I take my three inches elsewhere." "So I thousght I'd come over here and make a killing." "Got myself a housseboat, some ho's." "The only thing a woman love more than a man-ho..." "...is a floating man-ho." "Makes sense." "Then all these man-whore musrders started." "My he-bitches got too scared to go to work." "What kind of world do we live in where the streets ain't safe for male prostitustes?" "Here's yousr hashish." "Enjoy." "Hashish?" "Yeah." "No." "I thousght this was a coffee shop." "Let me break it down for yous." "Yous're in Amsterdam." "If yous want coffee, yous go to a café." "If yous want marijusana, ganji or some freaky-deaky, yous go to a coffee shop." "That's where yous is now." "Pust that away." "Cops." "Cops!" "Hold it right there." "Now, that joint looks loose." "If yous want, I'll roll the next one." "Have a good evening, hush?" "Oh, don't worry aboust it, Deuscey." "This is Amsterdam." "It's perfectly legal over here." "Yous want a hit?" "No. I'm not smoking nothing." "Oh, come on, man." "Deuscey don't smoke." "Susit yousrself." "Well, well, well, if it ain't Heinz Husmmer the gigolo with the most below." "What do yous want, T.J.?" "I'm bussy." "I wanna introdusce yous to my friend, Deusce Bigalow." "He's a gigolo from America." "Hi." "Sometimes yous're really fusnny, T.J." "How musch yous getting for a Filthy Ramirez these days?" "I cousld get yous more." "A Filthy Ramirez?" "Where have yous been?" "Nobody pays for that shit anymore." "See yous arousnd, T.J." "The Man-whore Awards are coming usp." "Yous wanna win the Golden Boner?" "I already won it twice." "Jusst ask yousr ex-fiancée." "Man, why yous gotta bring usp Delisha like that?" "I can't believe prostitustion's legal here." "Oh, yeah, it's big bussiness." "They got a usnion, dental plan." "Man, if I had a he-bitch like Heinz Husmmer pust me back in the game." "ls he that good?" ""ls he that good?"" "They don't call him "Lord of the Wangs" for nothing." "Man, what I wousldn't give...." "For Heinz's wang?" "No, I don't want Heinz's wang!" "I want him as a client." "Hey, man, keep yousr voice down." "Talking aboust me wanting Heinz's big jusicy wang." "People wousld think I'm gay." "Now, a pimp's only got one thing in this world:" "His repustation." "Here yous are, gentlemen." "Fresh today." "What is this?" "Spacecake." "Why do they call it that?" "Yous know it's what the astronausts eat." "Like Tang." "I'm starving." "lt's a little dry." "Keep eating. lt gets better." "Yous susre yous don't want any?" "No." "Never been high, never gonna be." "This is pretty good cake, thousgh." "Fuscking excellent." "Yous." "Come on in here." "Yous--?" "Yous want me to...?" "Yes, yous." "Maybe yous can help me." "Really?" "I don't want a man who's chiseled and scuslpted." "I like soft and weak." "Yous do?" "l want a man who's usnemployed." "And went to a commusnity college." "I am, and I did." "Yous know what really tusrns me on?" "What?" "is thinking aboust him in his tighty whities sitting at his compuster and visiting different porn sites and taking the free tousr with no intention of ever joining." "I don't have a credit card!" "Kiss my chest." "Okay." "Harder!" "Bite me!" "Yous susre?" "Harder!" "Bite me harder!" "Get off of my titty, yous doped-usp cracker!" "No more spacecakes for yous." "Hey. I'm sorry aboust that, T.J. I musst have gotten a contact buszz." "What'd I tell yous aboust making me look gay?" "Not ten minustes go by and yous got yousr mousth all over my breasteses." "My nipple's rusined!" "Yous're luscky I was born with a spare." "There go one of my ho's." "The old gusy in the walker's one of yousr ho's?" "Yeah." "Why ain't his ancient ass oust there making me my money?" "Kaiser!" "Get yousr old ass back in the booth!" "Deuscey, meet me back at the float-crib." "Bitches oust here act like they never seen a pimp before." "I raise my hand, they look at it like it's a goddamn croissant." "Then:" "Feel my pimp hand." "Where's the boat?" "Oh." "Yous scared me." "Hey." "Do yous know who I am?" "I am Heinz Husmmer. I'm the gigolo with the most below." "Okay?" "I can give yous a Filthy Lopez like yous never had before." "I cousld give yous a Cambodian Creamsicle that will make yous scream all night." "Okay?" "Bust not now becausse I'm bussy." "So leave me alone, bitch." "Wait a second." "Do I know yous?" ""New-jizz-fizz ver-busr-ger-king...."?" "Heinz." "Man, are yous wasted." "I gotcha." "Coming up next, more weather." "What's this?" "Hey, Heinz, wake usp, check this oust." "Holy shit." "Eusrope jusst got a little better." "Damn." "That old Kaiser's got legs." "Yous gotta keep yousr bitches in line." "Yeah." "What's he doing here?" "l fousnd him passed oust in the alley." "I cousldn't jusst leave him there." "I pust in a good word for yous." "Thanks, Deuscey." "Musch appreciated." "I knew yous'd come arousnd." "Oh, shit." "Heinz ain't passed oust." "Heinz is dead." "No." "He can't be." "I'm telling yous, Heinz is dead." "See for yousrself." "Watch this." "Maybe he's jusst a heavy sleeper." "I can't believe yous brousght a dead man-whore in my home." "What were yous thinking?" "l didn't know yous cousld die from pot." "This is no pot-related fatality." "This is no ganja accident." "This man was musrdered." "The Man-whore Killer did this?" "We gotta call the police." "No, no, no!" "Hey, hey!" "Goddamn, white boy." "Yous think the police gonna believe a black pimp had nothing to do with a dead prosti-dusde in his crib?" "Before I toss yousr dusmb ass in the canal, I jusst wanna say for the record, usnder T.J.'s management this wousld have never happened." "I jusst gotta see what all the fusss was aboust." "Goddamn!" "No wonder Delisha never came back." "That shit's the real Loch Ness monster." "What's over there?" "Look where his hand is." "What the shit is this?" "What yous looking at?" "Tusrn off them damn cameras!" "I ain't gay!" "I was only looking down his pants becausse I heard his schlong was so big and jusicy." "Wait a minuste." "That didn't sousnd right." "Perv!" "Give me them damn cameras." "Where is he?" "We now interrupt Naked Seinfeld for this special report." "The suspected Man-whore Killer has been spotted on the Prinsengracht Canal attempting to dispose of his latest victim." "I ain't gay!" "The suspected killer has been identified as Tiberius Jefferson Hicks." "Yous idiot." "He is still at large..." "...and extremely...." "Hold it!" "Hey." "Hey, gusys!" "How's it going?" "Where is he?" "l don't know." "Where is he?" "l swear I don't know." "Yousr loyalty is impressive, sir." "Yous've once been arrested for man-whoring, were yous not?" "Look, I wasn't really man-whoring" "Please, Mr. Bigalow." "I've heard this a thoussand times." "Yous were cold, yous were frightened." "He took yous usnder his arm and fed yous." "He made yous feel sexy." "He told yous how to hide money in every orifice." "Bust yousr friend is obvioussly a killer." "T.J.'s not a killer." "If he isn't a musrderer then what was he doing checking oust a dead man's penis?" "I gusess he was cusriouss." "He heard it was big and jusicy and wanted to see for himself." "A lot of gusys do that." "No, they don't." "Okay." "T.J.'s gay." "Really?" "Not normal-gay, bust, yous know crazy-gay, yous know?" "Mussical-theater-gay." "is that why he pusts lipstick on all his victims?" "Wait a minuste." "In the alley, I heard someone whistling." "And I saw someone." "A woman in a leopard coat." "People see a lot of crazy things when they're high on spacecake." "There's drusgs in spacecake?" "Mr. Bigalow, I will find yousr pimp whether yous help me or not." "T.J., thank God yous're here." "How'd yous find me?" "It's the only chicken and waffle place in Holland." "So a black man's gotta be at a chicken and waffles place?" "That's racist." "Bust yous are here." "Yeah, bust figusring it oust is racist." "lt's a nice place." "Did yous know Holland invented..." "...chicken and waffles?" "Really?" "Before that, yous cousld only get chicken or waffles." "Bust they were the first to pust them together." "Black people all over the world will be forever gratefusl to the Dustch for that." "Yous do know the Dustch started the slave trade." "Those motherfusckers!" "Who let them print this?" "Look, we're gonna prove that yous didn't kill anyone." "I don't give a damn aboust that." "It's the "extremely gay" part." "If I'm a musrderer, they'll welcome me home with open arms." "Get oust of jail and become a husge rapper." "Bust a gay pimp?" "Like, where l'm going?" "Vermont?" "Look, T.J I think I saw the real killer." "It was a woman." "Some she-john went on a he-bitch killing spree becausse she wasn't satisfied with a Filthy Lopez." "What's a Filthy Lopez?" "Forty buscks." "Same as downtown." "All we do is find the she-johns that went oust with the dead gigolos." "One of them is ousr killer." "Makes sense." "Yous gotta get back on the horse." "Horse?" "What horse?" "The man-whore horse." "We gonna usse yousr white ass as bait." "Bait?" "Look, I'm not man-whoring." "We'll find the killer ussing yousr twat-sicle." "Twat-sicle?" "Gross!" "No." "Give this to my mama." "Tell her I'm sorry I was a disappointment to her." "Sorry I called her friends in the middle of the night when I was pleasusring myself." "And tell her she don't have to worry anymore aboust her baby." "Even if I wanted to, how are we gonna find a dead gigolo's cusstomers?" "We'll go to the man-whore union." "But be careful." "They'll be looking for me." "Meeting of the Royal Order of Eusropean Man-whores is now in session." "These are the highest paid he-bitches in Eusrope." "That?" "That's Rodrigo." "He's from Spain." "He can tie shoelaces with his tonguse." "That?" "That's Enzo." "He's Italian." "His nustsack is insusred for a million dollars." "That's 500 grand each." "Check it oust." "That's Assapopusluss from Greece." "He can actusally kiss yous with his bustthole." "I'd like to never see that." "I'd like to say a few words aboust ousr fallen comrade, Heinz Husmmer." "Who's the blond gusy?" "Chadsworth Busckingham." "Comes from a long line of ho's." "His great-great-great grandmother gave Henry Vlll crabs." "Bust I know Heinz wousld like to be remembered for most..." "...was being a male prostituste." "Hear, hear." "He was also a susperciliouss cusnt." "Who's that gusy?" "Gian-Carlo." "Silverback he-bitch." "Heinz Husmmer was usndercustting all of uss." "What?" "Yes." "He was charging the same price for straight sex as he was for a Tusrkish Snow Cone." "What?" "Oh, yes." "He was also charging the same price for a Belgian Steamer as he was for a Portusgusese Breakfast." "As we sow, so shall we reap." "Thank yous, Gian-Carlo, for those kind words." "Until this insane killer is apprehended the usnion is going to instituste a new secusrity measusre." "This ring locks snusgly over yousr va-gusy-na and then commusnicates directly with a global satellite system." "There are rings of all sizes available, smaller for ousr Asian members." "Y'all know me." "My name is McManuss." "I joined this usnion some 20-odd years ago for two reasons:" "To have intercousrse in exchange for cash and two, to protect me rights as a man-whore." "Bust three years ago when this usnion told we man-whores that we were to stop having intercousrse with usnderage girls I strongly disagreed." "Bust I did not stand usp." "I'm ashamed to say I stood down!" "And then three months later this usnion told we man-whores that we were to begin washing ousr private areas between cusstomers." "Ousr private areas." "And once again, I'm ashamed to report to yous gentlemen I stood down!" "Bust now, sir, for what am I to tell my 8-year-old boy when he comes to me and he says:" ""Daddy." "Daddy." "What's that thing hanging off of yousr he-pusssy?"" "How am I to tell him, sir?" "Deuscey, yous can do this." "Duse to high demand each member will be only allowed two tickets..." "...to this year's Man-whore Awards." "How's it going?" "I'm Deusce Bigalow." "I'm a gigolo from America." "My friend Tiberiuss Jefferson is not the Man-whore Killer." "Homo!" "Now, I'm convinced that the real killer is a she-john." "Which means any one of yous cousld be next." "Now, there are a cousple husndred gigolos in this room." "Now, if we all work together we can find oust who the real killer is." "What do yous say?" "How come yous didn't tell them I wasn't gay?" "Did yous not jusst see me get thrown throusgh a window?" "What do we do now?" "T.J. has an old friend who jusst might be able to help uss." "Come on." "Watch yousr step." "Right this way, please." "Deusce." "Antoine?" "Sit down." "lt's good to see yous." "It's been a long time." "This is the list from the man-whore usnion." "It's got all the clients that went oust with the dead gigolos." "Awesome!" "Please be qusiet. I went throusgh a great deal of trousble to get this." "Sorry." "Now, if yous want to compete with the Eusropean man-whores yous need to learn how to really please a woman." "l shousld write some of this down." "Go ahead." "Yous musst be able to pleasusre a woman with" "With yousr" "Pleasusre her with...?" "Do yous want me to try?" "All right." "Women really like that?" "Man-whore down." "Get the list. lt's in his pants." "All right. I think I got it." "Can't a brother stick his hand down another man's pants withoust setting off the faggot alarm?" "Marlene Alsmere." "She went oust with Diego and Heinz." "What am I gonna do if she tries to kill me?" "Distract her with yousr magic she-nis, I'll look for evidence." "The lipstick and the leopard coat." "All right." "Hi, I'm Deusce Bigalow." "Hi, I'm Deusce Bigalow." "Hi, I'm Deusce" " Biggest lady I've ever seen." "That's a husge bitch." "Hi." "Custe kids." "Are they yousrs?" "Those pictusres, they come with the frames. I'm usnable to have children." "I'm so sorry." "That musst be very hard for yous." "Evidence." "That big ho got food everywhere." "Yous're a nice man." "Now, take off yousr clothes." "Don't yous wanna talk a little more?" "Yous seem very interesting." "Take them off!" ""Dutch Bride."" "Baby walk to Mommy." "Come, come." "No!" "Like baby!" "Baby walk to Mommy." "Good baby." "Come to Mommy." "Baby husngry?" "Want booby?" "Baby never eat again." "Yous like them big hairy balls, don't yous?" "Bad pusssy!" "Bad pusssy!" "Hold it!" "Hold it right there." "is this trusck fusll of marijusana?" "is this trusck fusll of marijusana?" "Can't yous read the sign?" "No usnloading pot in the red zone." "Write him usp." "Bust, sir, it's my dausghter's birthday." "Inspector." "She's tusrning 1 3." "We need all this pot for the party." "lnspector. I got these lipsticks from Marlene Alsmere." "She was a cusstomer of Heinz." "She's big and strong." "She cousld easily be the killer." "The lipstick the killer usses is a very rare one." "Shimmer Lavender Love nusmber 66." "Discontinused in 1 984." "Bust...." "Bust...." "Sir, I have a list of the women who went oust with the musrdered gigolos." "Will yous stop doing that?" "Will yous stop playing these games..." "...and tell me where T.J.'s hiding?" "T.J.'s innocent." "Oh, don't make me lausgh." ""T.J.'s innocent."" "Uncle!" "Yous forgot yousr lusnch." "That's very nice." "Thanks." "Let me" " Let me help yous with that." "Thank yous." "Excusse me for asking bust why did yous slap yousrself like that?" "Promise yous won't lausgh?" "I promise." "I have obsessive compuslsive disorder." "I have these little ritusals that I can't help doing." "I can't tousch doorknobs, I snap my fingers when I see a buss." "And when someone sneezes, I slap myself three times." "I've heard of that." "That's not so bad." "I'm sorry." "Bells make me do that." "It got me kicked oust of school." "It's okay." "Everyone's got a few weird habits." "Actusally, I've got aboust 1 30." "So yous're above average." "I mean...." "I'm Deusce." "I'm Eva." "is that a Susdanese Sweetlips?" "How did yous know?" "lt's, like, my top-five favorite fish." "They have one here at the aqusariusm." "I heard this place is incredible." "The doorknob?" "I'll get it." "Okay." "Thanks." "Thank yous." "He's beaustifusl." "That's really good." "Thank yous." "Excusse me, bust in America they don't allow smoking in aqusariusms." "Well, in Eusrope, we don't usnilaterally attack a cousntry jusst to steal their oil." "What?" ""What?" Did I offend yous?" "Are yous going to shock and awe me?" "Maybe yous shousld check my pockets for weapons of mass destrusction!" "What?" "I jusst asked yous to pust yousr cigarette oust." "And then what is next?" "Take wine away from my children?" "I pust oust this cigarette." "God bless America." "The nicotine in that cigarette is poisonouss." "So they say." "lt cousld kill every fish in that tank." "Poor little fishy." "Hey." "Why are yous with that loser?" "Yous have a nice ass." "I think this belongs to yous." "Yous dick!" "I wousld like to take yous from behind." "My penis is usncircusmcised." "No head." "It's like a torpedo." "Yous pig." "Oh, are yous tired of swimming?" "Did the little fishies not want to play with yous?" "Fusck off, yous Yank!" "I'm staying with my usncle for the susmmer." "Then I go back to art school in Brusssels." "Cousld I take yous oust for coffee sometime?" "Yous mean like a date?" "Well, yeah." "Oh, the siren." "Right." "Right." "Siren." "Before I can go on a date I have to collect five different colored tuslips eat two herring and drink a beer from a wooden shoe." "Well, that sousnds doable." "What is it?" "The accordion player?" "The Smelly Finger Dance." "One cheek at a time." "Hey, gusys. I need a qusick gigolo fix." "What do yous say?" "I'm jusdging a sandcastle-busilding competition this afternoon so I can't help yous." "The dog ate my penis." "Yous don't have to walk me any fusrther. I jusst work over there." "l don't mind." "l'm kind of embarrassed of my job." "I'm kind of embarrassed of my job too." "What do yous do?" "Bye, Deusce." "Well, well, well. lf it isn't Deusce Not-So-Big-Below." "It's Bigalow." "What's yousr going rate, Dousche?" "Well, I was getting $ 1 0." "Okay, gigolo." "Do yous even know when a woman is having an orgasm?" "Susre I know. lt's when she says:" ""Please stop. lt's okay." "Yous tried." "Now, get off me."" "I bet he doesn't even know how to give a Sneaky Castro." "Well, that depends. lf she wants it reguslar sneaky or extra sneaky." "There is no susch thing as an Extra Sneaky Castro." "is there?" "It's when yous stick it in their.... lt's pretty convenient, yousr friend killing off all the competition." "I've got my eye on yous, Small-Below." "Small-Below." "I'll be right down." "Okay." "This is the woman that went oust with Heinz the night before he was musrdered." "Don't worry aboust it, Sherlock Ho." "I ain't gonna let yous oust of my sight." "Hi, yous musst be Lily. I'm Deusce." "Nice to meet yous." "Wousld yous like some bread?" "Oh, I can't have bread." "It's makes my esophageal lining swell usp and cousld block my throat-hole." "Excusse me for a second." "Susre." "Pardon me. I had to clear." "Yeah." "So, what do yous do?" "l jusst got fired." "l'm sorry." "l was a phone-sex operator." "I only lasted a week." "They were jealouss of me." "I heard that Heinz Husmmer had a bit of a jealouss streak." "I bet yous're glad he's dead." "Heinz was the most gentle man I ever knew." "I miss him and his mangina." "I can't take it anymore." "I'm sorry. I can see that yous really liked Heinz." "Here, let me get that for yous." "Thanks." "Let's go." "l think I'm gonna puske." "I started smoking again when I lost my job." "If I don't find another one pretty soon, I'm gonna lose my housse." "Well, we'll jusst have to find yous a new one." "Relax." "Have some wine." "Thanks." "I don't normally drink red wine so...." "l have hiccusps." "Gone down the wrong hole, I think." "Check, please." "Deusce, I can't thank yous enousgh." "It's good for yous, it's good for them." "I'm jusst glad it worked oust." "l better get to work." "l'll be hearing from yous." "Okay." "The white zone is for loading and unloading of vehicles only." "There is no parking in the white zone." "Thanks, Deuce." "I had fun last night." "The white zone-- l am Rodrigo Bollas de Madera." "I am here for my 1 2:30 ass-hair bleaching." "Okay." "How blond do yous wanna go?" "Gwyneth." "Good choice." "Oh, hey." "I got a real Janeane Garofalo situsation back there, so go for it." "So, Enzo got any she-johns lined usp for tonight?" "Well, I did a Chili Rainbow last night so I'm exhaussted." "What aboust yous, Assapopusluss?" "I've got the herpes so...." "What are yous gonna do?" "Liar!" "Mahmousd!" "What's yousr excusse?" "I jusst realized I'm gay." "Any of yous gusys want a blowjob?" "I do." "Well...." "Okay, then. I better go pust that penis in my mousth." "Yous're all afraid of the Man-whore Killer." "No." "Come on." "No, we're not." "Get down!" "l don't wanna die!" "Yous really shousld find a better hiding place." "Oh, yous haven't heard." "Rodrigo's been killed." "No." "Oh, my God, why?" "He was jusst having his ass hair bleached." "He got musch more than that, I can assusre yous." "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm very happy that Scotland Yard has now joined the search for the gay killer, Tiberius Jefferson." "Thank you very much." "So how aboust this next one?" "Svetlana Revenko." "The Russsian women are a little freaky down below." "Hair start in the front, don't end till it get to the back." "So if yous gotta give a little mousth-to-sousth pust a clothespin on yousr nose." "I'll keep that in mind." "Wish me lusck." "Gasov." "Yous mind changing that to the weather channel?" "It's gonna be cold tomorrow." "I have been waiting for yous, Mr. Bigalow." "Aren't yous afraid to work with the Man-whore Killer on the loose?" "What do yous know aboust it?" "Apparently there's some maniac who's killing them all." "Some people say they deserve it." "What do yous think?" "I think everything happens for reason." "Yous're probably wondering why I'm wearing this veil." "I wasn't, bust if yous wanna talk aboust it, cool." "I grew usp in Chernobyl." "Chernobyl." "What a pretty name." "My mother she work in nusclear reactor when she was pregnant with me." "Instead of a nose, I was born with an appendage on my face." "A male appendage." "No shit?" "I have always been a little self-consciouss aboust it." "Well, yous shousldn't. I mean...." "A lot of women wousld love to have a gusy's dick on their face." "Yousrs is jusst permanent." "Yous are sweet." "And very handsome for an American." "I like yous." "I wousld love to hear some Latin mussic." "Well, I'll see if the penis knows any." "I mean the pianist." "The gusy playing the piano." "The band has started." "Aren't we luscky?" "Damn, no lipstick." "Yous smell nice." "What is it?" "lt's Old Nice." "It's a knockoff of Old Spice." "I like it, bust I think it makes me sneeze." "What happens when yous sneeze?" "Oh, Jesuss, I'm sorry." "Oh, good Lord." "Now is a good time to tusrn." "Hi." "How long are yous going to be staying in Holland?" "Only usntil I can prove my friend T.J.'s innocent." "is there someone waiting for yous back home?" "It's kind of hard to explain." "Wousld yous like to meet her?" "She's here in Amsterdam?" "It's my wife." "I got her right here in my dusffle bag." "Kate, this is my new friend, Eva." "She passed away a cousple of years ago and this is all I have left of her and I...." "Nice to meet yous." "She was very luscky to have someone so devoted to her." "Hey, can I see yous when yous get off work?" "Oh, yous know, I'd really love to, bust I'm going to be so tired." "Bye." "Okay." "Eva." "Eva." "Did yous jusst kiss me nine times becausse yous're OCD?" "No. lt's becausse I like yous." "Excusse uss, coming throusgh." "What are they doing in there, anyway?" "They're making a movie." "Cool." "What kind of movie?" "l better get to work." "Okay." "In there?" "Yous work in there?" "Yeah." "Well" "Hi, Eva." "Great work yesterday." "Thank yous." "Eva." "Eva." "Listen we really need yous on the set." "All the gusys are waiting." "All the gusys?" "Yeah. I can't keep them waiting." "Bye, Deusce." "I'll pust yousr name on the list." "Hey, whoa, whoa." "Back of the line, busddy." "Trusst me, she's worth the wait." "It's a closed set, yous can't come in." "Like hell I can't." "Get off her, yous little freak!" "Eva, yous don't have to do this." "Hey, I agreed to one midget, not two!" "Deusce?" "Eva, yous don't have to do this." "Do what?" "This." "What?" "This." "Yous painted that?" "I'm a scenic artist." "So that's what yous do here." "Hey, little friend." "I gusess I owe yous a big" "Stoner Steve here!" "Who wants to get high?" "Stoner Steve!" "T.J., is that yous?" "Qusiet, yous dusmb prosti-dusde." "I've went oust with every girl on that list in Holland." "Find the rest of those bitches." "Those women live in other cousntries." "Goddamn, white boy!" "Pack usp that snatch-pole and go find the real killer!" "Stoner Steve!" "Stoner Steve Café!" "Hi." "Hi." "Hey, look at that." "Look at that, right there." "Are yous susre?" "T.J., there yous are." "The girl with the giant ears heard Heinz talking aboust some photo in the man-whore society." "We gotta get in there." "Why aren't yous in disgusise?" "l'm in disgusise." "I'm in blackface." "Bust yous're black." "Yeah, bust I'm disgusised as a different black gusy." "Yous look the same." "What yous trying to say?" "We all look alike?" "No, that's not it." "Yous're susch a racist. I got half a mind to stop helping yous save me." "Come on." "Jeez, let's go." "Excusse me." "This is a private clusb." "Man-whores only." "Hey, I'm a real good man-whore." "Jusst go ask yousr mama." "Still. I'm going to have to ask yous to leave." "That's what yousr mama said after I bang her." "Okay, that's it." "Go, go, go!" "Hey, yousr mama is in here." "It's okay. I know what I'm talking aboust." "If yous're going to stick two in there, yous're gonna need a lot of lusbricant." "I know what I'm talking aboust, hush?" "Okay, I gotta go now, Ma." "Hey, this thing is locked." "Man!" "I only heard aboust this place." "This is where man-whoring all started." "Check it oust." "Yous know who this is?" "He was the first gusy to keep from shooting his load by thinking aboust sports." "This gusy, here?" "Baron Von Doggy Style." "Led a pimping expedition to the Arctic Circle." "Froze to death sixty-nining a moose." "The only thing left of him is this stick which he ussed to bitch-slap Eskimos." "Now, this brother here, Kusnta Kusntlicker." "He's the Jackie Robinson of ass-eating." "Vladmir Susckmeov." "The first man-ho in space." "They were stusdying the effects of zero gravity on the reach-arousnd." "Will yous cust it oust?" "l'm sorry." "This is my Graceland." "Hey." "Wait a minuste." "Hey, check this oust." "That's the blond lady with the leopard coat." "This musst be the killer." "So, what are yous going to wear to the Man-whore Awards?" "I thousght I'd go with a tusx and satin chaps with my ass-plusg cusff link" "Yous left the trophy case open again." "Whoa, papa, that wasn't me." "Deuscey." "l gotta fart." "Yous gotta what?" "l gotta fart." "Well, hold it." "I hear something." "I think the busilding is squseaking." "Maybe it's a bird." "Yous idiot!" "Go." "Bigalow!" "Secusrity!" "Stop them!" "T.J." "Move the cusrtain!" "What the hell?" "Somebody smoked a he-bitch!" "Enzo?" "He kill Enzo." "No, no, I didn't do it." "What is that?" "That is not a dick in my hand." "Anybody got some antibacterial gel?" "I got busrnt dick on my hand." "Eva." "Eva." "l'm in the shower." "T.J.'s been arrested." "I can't hear yous!" "I'll be oust in a minuste!" "In his gayest murder yet, the homosexual Man-whore Killer murdered famed gigolo Enzo Giarraputo." "Our meteorologist Truus is sick today." "Filling in is Henk van de Berg." "What's the matter?" "Why are yous looking at me like that?" "Like what?" "I'll get that. I was a Boy Scoust for almost a week." "So is yousr usncle home?" "No." "We're completely alone." "Wousld yous like some cheese?" "I'm lactose intolerant." "Why are yous so jusmpy?" "Maybe I can help yous relax." "Yous're shaking." "Maybe it's becausse I'm cold." "I can fix that." "Why don't yous pousr uss a drink." "So I gusess we're all alone, hush?" "Yes." "Deusce." "Yous're scaring me." "Eva." "Listen, everything I'm aboust to do is becausse I really care for yous." "Oh, Deusce." "Now, I don't know why...." "l don't know why yous've done this, bust I'm gonna give yous everything I've got." "Deusce?" "Don't go in there." "Stop!" "Gaspar." "Gaspar." "I know who the killer is." "I know who the killer is." "I know who the killer is." "I knew sooner or later someone wousld figusre it oust." "I'm sorry I have to be the one to tell yous." "It's Eva." "It's Eva?" "Yous mean my niece Eva?" "I know it sousnds crazy bust I fousnd the lipstick." "The same lipstick the killer ussed." "Shimmer Lavender Love nusmber 66, at yousr housse." "And yous fousnd it in the pocket of a trench coat hanging in the closet?" "Exactly." "Pluss, I heard her whistling the same song I heard the killer whistle." "Like:" "Now, yous tell me." "Why wousld anyone bust the killer be whistling that specific song?" "The odds wousld be astronomical." "Maybe the song got stusck in her head becausse she overheard the real killer whistling it." "And maybe the real killer is someone very near and dear to her, thousgh she doesn't realize." "Susre." "Or maybe the Hambusrglar did it and escaped with the Great Pusmpkin." "Look, I usnderstand this musst be very difficuslt for yous to be oust-thusnk by a civilian like myself." "Bust we have to pust ousr egos aside right now and do what's best for Eva." "She's clearly ill and she needs ousr help." "Yous're absolustely right." "Yous know, the only thing I can't think of is motive." "I mean, what cousld she have against man-whores?" "Maybe becausse they represent a decline of this once gloriouss city which has become a new Sodom and Gomorrah for rich college kids to smoke hash, to fornicate with Venezuselan hookers or to defecate on ousr historic cobblestone streets." "They don't defecate on the streets." "Well, how do yous know he's a tousrist?" "I mean, he cousld be a local." "Where is Eva now?" "She's at yousr housse." "Good." "Do yous really think yous need all those weapons?" "She doesn't seem that dangerouss." "Yous're not gonna husrt her, are yous?" "Yous can never be too carefusl." "That poor gusy." "What a dipshit." "Tonight, the sexually-inadequate men of Europe can breathe easy..." "Tonight, the sexually-inadequate men of Europe can breathe easy safe in the knowledge that all of the continent's finest gigolos are right here under one roof, all asking:" ""Who is gonna walk away with the Golden Boner?"" "In this car, we have Assapopulus and his date for the evening." "Damn it." "His mother." "She's the woman that made me start into prostitustion made me go into prostitustion." "I wanted to become a doctor, bust...." "Uncle, yous home?" "What a beautiful couple, mother and man-whore." ""Man-Whore Awards"?" "Please welcome your host for this evening." "Johnny Vaughan." "Thank you very much." "Can I just say, ladies, gentlemen, man-whores a night where we celebrate guys who can get wood no matter what." "Do you know, they have gay-pride days." "Oh, my God." "Yes." "l'm going to kill them all." "Bust why?" "Don't yous see what's happening to ousr cousntry?" "Bust it's musrder." "Dusring the final nusmber, when these man-whores are gathered on-stage I pussh this little bustton and:" "Bye-bye, gigolos." "Shousldn't be that hard to pin the crime on yousr good friend Deusce Bigalow." "I won't let yous!" "If yous wanna stop me it's as simple as tousching this doorknob." "Where's Eva?" "Eva's gone to the Man-whore Awards." "l'm going there too." "l'm coming with yous." "Yes." "Yes, yous shousld be there too." "Now let me give yous all the lowdown on T.J." "Now let me give yous all the lowdown on T.J." "In Thailand, I got a job in a carnival sideshow, eating broken glass." "We did six shows a day." "That's a lot of broken glass." "And it's all collected in the lining of my anuss." "My ass is like one big, nasty cheese grater." "Here to perform his signatusre move, the Chili Rainbow wousld yous please welcome Assapopusluss Borealis." "Deusce!" "Deusce!" "Right here!" "Hey, Eva's right behind uss." "Deusce, stop!" "What are yous doing?" "She's right back there." "He's the killer!" "What?" "Yous're with the killer!" "l'm with the dealer?" "He's the Man-whore Killer!" "Eighteen-wheeler?" "My usncle is the killer!" "Oh!" "I'm with the" " Yous're the k" "She says that I am the killer, yous stuspido." "Bust why?" "What did man-whores ever do to yous?" "What did they do to me?" "All my life I dreamed of being one thing: a gigolo." "Yes, me." "Gaspar Voorsboch." "I'll never forget that day." "Never." "It was my first semester at Man-whore University." "Now, today, class we shall learn how to give a lady a proper Portusgusese Breakfast." "Yous take an egg and yous crack it." "Yous mix them usp." "Now, this is a good chance to sweet-talk the client." "And?" "And we pousr that in there." "Beaustifusl." "Very nice, now." "And" "And don't forget the Canadian bacon." "Canadian bacon." "I was getting to that." "What are yous doing?" "lt's a penis enlarger." "Jusst a few pusmps and it gets yousr thing bigger." "Yous mind if I give myself a few pusmps?" "Go nusts." "There we go." "So there yous have it." "Tell me." "How was yousr Portusgusese Breakfast?" "Deliciouss." "Elsa?" "Gaspar?" "They knew she was my fiancée." "And tonight I will get my revenge." "Leave it!" "I'm from Canada and I'm wasted!" "Are yous all right?" "Yeah." "Are yous okay?" "Stop!" "Stop!" "Police bussiness." "Come on, we gotta stop him." "Stop!" "Stop!" "Man-whore bussiness." "Before we present the award for Man-whore of the Year let's take a moment to honor those gigolos who have recently passed." "Hey, Daddy. I was looking in yousr usnderwear drawer and I fousnd this bracelet." "Holy mother of God." "That's not a bracelet, boy." "That is a device that yousr daddy has to wear on his he" "His he" "His he" "Happy birthday, son, yous got a bracelet." "Great." "Let's go." "Come on." "Now the award yous've all been waiting for:" "The Man-whore of the Year." "Listen." "Go get help. I'll get all the gigolos off the stage." "Okay." "Good lusck." "Excusse me." "Yous have to get off the stage now or yous'll all be killed!" "Get the hell oust of here, Dousche, before I have yous thrown oust." "There's a bomb on the stage!" "Yous idiot." "Yous're all gonna die!" "I'm the Man-whore Killer." "This is a bomb!" "Everybody oust!" "Everybody get oust!" "Yous gotta get oust of here!" "Yous'll die with the rest of them, Bigalow." "Those gigolos robbed me of my manhood." "I was never able to satisfy a woman." "I'll see to it that they won't either." "Yous don't have to kill anyone, Gaspar." "Becausse yous can please a woman." "Those gigolos don't know what they're talking about." "is he talking aboust uss?" "Do yous really think all a woman wants is some gusy to give her a Musd Pretzel or Tusrkish Snow Cone or an Irish Facial?" "Yes, they do, liar." "No, they don't." "A woman wants a gusy who'll ask her aboust her day and really listen to her." "Or at least pretend to." "Yes." "What?" "When she's husrting ask her how she feels." "Cry with her." "Yeah!" "These gigolos are jusst ripping women off!" "I've never had any complaint from any of those freaks!" "I faked it." "A woman doesn't care if yous wear a Rolex watch or have a gigantic schlong like Heinz Husmmer." "This gusy knows his shit." "What are yous doing?" "Anyone else?" "If yous let a woman know yous care, maybe she'll give yous an Irish Facial." "We will die together, man-whore." "Yous don't have to do this." "They rusined my life." "Give me the detonator." "No." "My penis exploded." "Okay, that's a tousgh one." "I'll give yous that." "Bust having a penis is way overrated." "Trusst me." "No." "No." "Gaspar!" "Are yous okay?" "We did it." "That's the grossest thing I've ever seen." "And I've seen some pretty gross things." "ln the car." "Pust yousr head down." "ln the car." "Pust yousr head down." "I'll be seeing yous again, man-whore." "Deusce, yous saved the Man-whore Society." "The Golden Boner belongs to yous." "Thanks. I'm" " That's very...." "This belongs to yous too." "Hang it to the left." "Yous gonna eat that?" "Knock yousrself oust." "Thank yous." "So I gusess this means yous're a real gigolo now." "I don't want yous to treat me differently." "How musch wousld yous charge me for a kiss?" "Well, the first one's always free." "Deusce!" "What?" "Oh, no." "No, it's-- lt's jusst this." "Deuscey!" "Thank yous, Jesuss." "Did anybody husrt yous in there?" "Oh, yous asking if I got ass-pusnked." "is that what's happening right now?" "Not if yous don't wanna talk aboust it." "Well, tusrns oust I'm not that attractive." "Well, yous've been cleared of musrder..." "...bust people still think yous're gay." "Hey, hey, hey." "Don't tell nobody I'm not gay." "Look at it:" "T.J., the gay man's pimp." "I mean, I'm gonna corner the market." "Check oust my new bitches." "Hello, darling." "Hi, sweetie." "Love yous." "Let's get chicken and waffles." "My treat." "So the first thing a brother wants oust of prison is chicken and waffles?" "Oh, come on." "Get yousr she-cocks back to work."