"[Gentle instrumental music]" "Morning, Dale." "DALE:" "Hi, John Redcorn." "JOHN:" "Dale." "Morning, John Redcorn." "Peggy." "Just dropping off a new healing herb for Nancy... to help with her migraines." "Ginkgo biloba." "Yeah, sure, I've heard of that." "[Rock-and-roll playing on stereo]" "[Chuckling]" "Well, you must be reading Doyle Harcavy." "What's he got for us this morning?" ""When it comes to starting the day, nothing wakes me up faster than coffee."" "Boy, he's got that right." ""They say children are a blessing, but mine are holy terrors."" "Doyle Harcavy knows children." "Of course, his daughter jumped out a window." "[Sighing] I don't believe it." "Doyle Harcavy is retiring from the musings column." "No." "He's going to write product descriptions for Bradley Air and Heat." "l don't know how they'll ever replace him." "l know how." "You can write that column, Aunt Peggy." "You're a natural." "Now, Luanne, Peggy has a musing now and then... but Doyle Harcavy is a musing machine." "I think I could do it as well as anyone else could." "I play Boggle, and that takes verbal ability." "And I'm always making observations all day long." "Really?" "Go ahead." "Come up with one." "You mean right now?" "Okay." "All right." "Well, let's see." "[Muttering] I like milk." "Hey, that's the best so far." "Do one about cookies." "[Sighing]" "No." "Stupid." "Too obvious," "Why don't you try some out on me?" "Give me your five best." "I cannot work with you coming in here every two hours and yelling at me." "[Exhaling] I'm going to Nancy's." "[Rock-and-roll playing on stereo]" "Nancy." "[Moaning]" "Nancy!" "PEGGY:" "Hello." "Where are you?" "[Music stops]" "Nancy," "Nancy." "[Gentle music playing]" "There you are." "Hello, John Redcorn." "Yes, we were just back here." "I just had to get out of that house." "I am trying to do some creative work, and Hank seems to think... that he's helping by making me more and more stressed-out." "It is giving me a whopping headache." "Yes." "Headaches can often be caused by stress." "Of course, John Redcorn." "You're a licensed New Age healer." "Why don't I try a healing session with you?" "[Hesitating] I guess that would be all right. lt is my job." "That would be great." "Okay, I'll call you for an appointment." "That was awkward." "What kind of game is she playing?" "Sug', I don't think she knows about us." "Peggy's got such a trusting nature." "She always believes the best in people." "You know, all of a sudden, I feel dirty." "NANCY:" "I'm gonna take a shower." "JOHN:" "I'll join you." "[Car alarm beeping]" "PEGGY:" "Isn't this lovely." "I wasn't expecting carpet." "I was expecting...." "l don't know what I was expecting." "Not carpet." "Peggy, relax." "PEGGY:" "What an interesting chair." "When I'm sitting in a chair, I never know quite what to do with my head." "So this is wonderful." "Thank you. lt's from Brookstone." "[Moaning]" "[Car alarm beeping]" "[Whales squealing on stereo]" "The whales sing of joy and sorrow, of gain and loss... like LeAnn Rimes." "[Moaning]" "Now, there," "Now lie quietly for as long as you want, while I copy both sides of your insurance card," "[Snoring]" "Peggy's gonna have a hard time replacing Doyle Harcavy." "That guy's amazing." "You look at his picture in the paper, he never gets a day older." "She has to mail in a sample column this week." "But she'll muse circles around him if she can just get past her headaches." "Those headaches are good as gone." "Peggy went to John Redcorn for a healing." "What?" "Don't worry, old John R will fix her up just like he does for Nancy... three times a week." "bill:" "Oh, Hank... I'm sure Peggy's headache is nowhere near as serious as Nancy's." "I tell you what, man." "You don't want to know." "I can't even know what it is with you." "Don't worry about Peggy." "She does not have the same kind of... medical condition that's causing Dale's wife... to suffer unduly." "Where is she?" "[Exhaling]" "[Singing] Everything is beautiful ln its own way" "Hi, Hank." "Peggy, I guess dinner's gonna be a little late tonight." "[Peggy sighing] I just had a headache session with John Redcorn." "He lit some sweetgrass and then I drifted off." "The next thing I knew I felt fan-freaking-tastic." "Good." "Your headache's gone." "Then I guess you're all done with John-freaking-Redcorn." "Then I guess you're all done with John-freaking-Redcorn." "No, this is just the beginning." "I have already scheduled another treatment for next week." "Peggy, I don't know how some guy rubbing your neck helps your head." "I mean, what's the connection?" "My reporter's instincts tell me... someone's a little grumpy without his dinner." "I just got my first musing:" ""My husband calls me his better half..." ""because I better half dinner on the table when he gets home."" "I'm gonna go write that up while it's still fresh." "What's wrong, Uncle Hank?" "Nothing's wrong." "It's good news." "Peggy had her headache cured by John Redcorn." "[Gasps]" "Stop that." "Put your face back the way it was before somebody sees you." "What's wrong, Luanne?" "Nothing's wrong, Bobby." "Now go play outside." "Dinner's gonna be a little late." "[Gasps]" "Hank, would you like a beer?" "This is not a social call, John Redcorn." "I think I know why you're here." "Your wife came to me with a headache." "A real headache," "Her head actually hurt." "I know that." "But as I recall, that's how it started with Nancy Gribble." "Hank, you are my friend." "I promise I would never heal your wife the way I heal the wives of others." "You better not." "Because if you lay one unprofessional hand on Peggy... I'm gonna kick your ass." "[Wind blowing] I will." "[Peggy and Nancy laughing]" "Oh, my Lord." "Hank, I got it." "They are giving me the musings column." "Thank God." "You got the job." "The pressure's off." "No more headaches, right?" "Are you kidding?" "I have weekly deadlines now." "I'll have to schedule a regular night with John Redcorn." "What?" "No." "You don't need John Redcorn to get rid of a headache." "Here. I'll give you a massage." "[Peggy wincing]" "Just let me know where you really need it." "That's my kidneys." "Breathe." "Picture a wide-open field." "Throw some birds in there if you want." "Hank, stop it." "You're just pinching, slapping, and poking me." "What is it that you have against John Redcorn?" "Don't make me say it." "You know what he does to his clients." "You think he's overcharging me?" "For your information, I checked around." "He is less expensive than both vip and Oriental Massage." "For God sakes, Peggy, come on." "It's taken him 13 years to cure Nancy's headache." "So you're saying...." "What are you...." "You're calling him a quack?" "You're saying his methods aren't effective?" "HANK:" "No. I'm saying they're very effective." "Come on, you know what I'm talking about," "Nancy." "John Redcorn." "Joseph." "Good God!" "I just cannot believe that I could be so stupid." "How could you not tell me what was going on in my own side yard?" "I thought you knew." "How could you not know?" "Look at Joseph." "Where do you think he came from?" "Nancy told me Dale had a Jamaican grandmother. I believed her." "Oh, my God." "Dale." "Does Dale know?" "No, he's as slow as you." "In a sweet, trusting sort of way." "PEGGY:" "Shameless tramp." "How can she?" "I just cannot believe." "[Grunting]" "Ow." "You dirty bird." "What's wrong, sug'?" "Joseph is not Jamaican." "And neither is Dale." "And I am beginning to suspect that his grandmother isn't either." "So you know." "Who told you?" "No one had to tell me." "How stupid do you think I am?" "You've been cheating for 12 years." "Nancy, how could you?" "I have my reasons." "Yes, and I've seen those reasons packed into his Sergio Valente jeans." "I bet you don't even have headaches anymore." "PEGGY:" "And you!" "Dale Gribble is your friend." "How could you be a look-the-other-wayer?" "Now, Peggy, you're sort of freaked out because it's still fresh for you." "Live with it awhile." "You'll see, you'll get used to it." "The only thing I ever want to get used to is a cold glass of lemonade." "I am still a journalist, darn it." "[Sniffing]" "Did anyone else sniff today's garbage?" "And I thought yesterday's garbage smelled good." "Morning, Dale." "You poor man." "DALE:" "Hi, John Redcorn." "JOHN:" "Dale." "Well, well, well." "PEGGY:" "John Redcorn." "JOHN:" "Peggy." "Nancy's headache's very severe this morning." "Must be the pollen." "Well, well, well." "Well." "[Over-pronouncing] John Redcorn." "[Over-pronouncing] Peggy Hill." "minh:" "Peggy Hill, what's so important I have to jump off treadmill?" "I am so sorry, Minh, but I had to talk to someone." "It's about Nancy." "She's having an affair." "Oh, my God." "She's cheating on John Redcorn?" "You know about them?" "Not at first. lt took me about an hour." "But I am naive and trusting person." "Peggy Hill, you not know?" "l knew." "Peggy Hill not know." "That is so funny." "Okay, who I tell?" "I e-mail Kahn." "Why are we drinking beer in front of my house?" "We always drink beer in the back of my house." "This feels wrong." "But I like it." "Dale will never find us here." "And we need to talk alone." "Does it bother anyone that we've known for years... what's going on with Nancy, and Dale doesn't?" "[Overacting] Nancy's having an affair with John Redcorn?" "This is the first I've heard of it." "I am shocked, I mean, I am shocked." "That's what I mean, I am appalled." "You don't want to be prying into them family secrets." "You don't want get any old skeletons in no closet, man." "Just like that little turd Orville Redenbacher, man." "Turns out he was just a dang old actor, man." "Look, can't we just discuss it for five seconds?" "I don't believe it. I've known Dale and Nancy for years... and they have a fairy-book marriage." "Shut up, Bill." "[Doorbell ringing]" "Why, Dale, how nice to see you." "I can't find Hank, Bill, or Boomhauer." "[Clears throat] lf they're hiding behind the door, just nod slowly." "You sweet man." "You know, I have been thinking a lot about you." "We never get to talk, you and I." "Why is that?" "Anyway, Nancy should count herself lucky to have a man like you." "Just look at you." "The way that hat accents your head." "Plenty of women would be happy to have you." "Good women." "Would you like to come in for some pie?" "[Clears throat] I should go." "Hey, Dale." "What's going on?" "Not much." "Peggy Hill wants to leave Hank and run away with me." "[Overacting] I don't believe it." "They have a fairy-book marriage." ""Let's face it." "Angie Dickinson has lost her looks."" ""Mix pineapple juice with club soda, you've got yourself a big bucket of crap."" "Well, go ahead, say it." "They're terrible." "How can I appreciate the little things in life... when so many big things are wrong and evil?" "Don't worry, Aunt Peggy." "I'm sure that even Doyle Harcavy had trouble sometimes." "Doyle Harcavy. lf you ask me, Doyle Harcavy wasn't that good." "[Gasps]" "Thank you, Mom." "It's about time somebody said it." "Of course coffee wakes you up in the morning." "I mean, that's how they advertise it." "HANK:" "You'll see." "Being with the Gribbles when you know about Nancy is weird at first... but it goes away after a few years." "It helps if you think of something else." "I use sports." "You can use Boggle." "All right." "You guys are just in time." "Boomhauer's on second and Nancy's healer's at bat." "Man, look at that John Redcorn." "He sure can swing." "[Dale hooting]" "[Tense instrumental music]" "Good eye." "Are you kidding?" "This guy never strikes out." "Ain't that right, Nancy?" "Boggle." "Think Boggle." "All right, wingo, man." "Redcorn's gonna score again." ""Score." "Scores." "Core." "Cores."" ""Sore." "Sores."" "All right, come on, John." "Come on." "He's going all the way." "I have to get out of here." "Ball park nachos." "You don't buy them." "You only rent them." "I'm done, Hank." "My rose-colored glasses are off... and the world looks flesh-colored and unappealing." "I cannot live the lie anymore." "It takes two to talk about it... and everyone else already knows and isn't interested." "No, not everybody knows, Hank." "I can think of one person who doesn't." "The one person who really should." "[Dale cheering]" "All right." "Way to go, Big Bad John." "Hold up, Peggy." "You can't just walk back over there and tell Dale his wife's cheating on him." "Just let sleeping dogs lie." "Interesting choice of words, Mr. Hill. "Lie! "" "I meant lie down." "I know that, Hank." "Dogs don't tell lies." "Only people lie." "They lie like dogs." "[Sander whirring]" "Hank, there's something I just figured out and you need to know." "Sorry, I can't hear you." "Probably none of my business anyway." "Sander." "[Grunting]" "Hank, it's important." "Your wife loves me and wants us to run off together." "I've not yet been able to ascertain where," "Dale" "No problemo on this end." "I don't even find her attractive." "Of course you do, and I appreciate the lie." "But Peggy's just being nice to you." "But you're a good friend for wanting to tell me." "If the shoe were on the other foot, would you want to know?" "Don't flatter yourself, Hank." "Nancy likes her men thin and pale of face." "I thank God every day for sending me an angel... with the hots for my track team physique." "PEGGY: "You hear the expression, 'Lie like a dog, '," ""often enough that it is almost a cliché," ""But more often than not," ""if someone is lying to you, they are a person," ""We all know a certain person who is lying to her husband," ""Every time we look the other way, we add a lie to a lie," ""Well, this reporter is not gonna lie anymore," ""And you can print that, "" "Excuse me." "Sug', listen." "I love Dale, but in a lights-on sort of way." "I feel for you, I really do." "But you married for better or worse, and worse includes Dale." "Now, either you tell him or I will." "Peggy, please." "l'm not going to" "Well, then get out of my way." "[Tense instrumental music]" "[Sighing]" "Hey, Dale." "I thought I'd like to take a little of my own advice this morning." "Having some waffles, are you?" "No, I meant the longer one." "About sleeping dogs." "Dale, I have to tell you something very important." "HANK:" "Oh, no." "Dale..." "Nancy is not the wife you think she is." "And John Redcorn... he is not the friend that you think he is." "Wait a minute." "Let me get this straight." "Nancy and John Redcorn did something to your dog?" "No, damn it, Dale." "Nancy and John Redcorn are" "Hey, Dad!" "Just a sec, Peggy." "Yes, son?" "Me and Bobby are bored." "What do we do?" "How about renting a videotape?" "Yeah, we want to see Encino Man, but we don't have any money." "Pauly Shore, 1992 classic." "I got two fives, one for you, one for me." "Thanks, Dad." "Wait. I found some more." "Can't watch Encino Man without milk balls, huh?" "Thanks, Dad!" "Sorry about that, Peggy." "Now, what is it that I don't know?" "Dale... I just found out... that Vikings were the first visitors to the moon." "I knew that." "Why do you think we named our spacecraft after them?" "Poor naive Peggy." "That makes sense." "I'm so glad you and I could have this little talk." "I feel so much better." "Okay, I guess." "Peggy?" "You got a good husband there." "He doesn't have the best body on the alley... but he's got a good head on his shoulders." "Yeah, I know." "Well, how'd he take it?" "I couldn't tell him." "I guess some things are best left unsaid." "Yep." "You know, Hank, I really-- -l know." "And, Peggy-- -l got you." "All right, then." "Great, pepperoni it is." "[Theme song]" "JOHN: [Over-pronouncing] Peggy Hill,"