"Hey, what's the matter with you?" "Can't you drive yet?" "You almost wrecked my washing machine." "Get them plants there and bring 'em in the house." "Hey, Pop, where'd you get these plants?" "I bought 'em off a guy who was goin' out of business." " You like 'em?" " Not particularly." "See, now people can't say, "Sanford and Son ain't got a pot. "" "'Cause now we got two of'em." "Don't tell me you're going into the flower-raising business... because the only thing that'll grow around here is poison ivy." "See?" "That show you how much you know." "Go ahead." "Touch that plant." "Why, is it poison ivy?" "No, dummy, it's plastic." "The guy that sold it to me... said that it'd pick up the smell of whatever's around." "If it picks up the smell of this place, it's gonna be some flower." "Well, I'm gonna keep 'em in the kitchen." "See, I think you'd rather have a flower that smelled like a pork chop... than a chrysan... chrys..." "You know, that big flower they have at the football game." "Come on." "So that's what you did all day?" "You bought two plastic plants." "No, that's not all I did." "I did some coordinating'." "Then I defrosted the refrigerator." "Then I killed all the flies in the kitchen." "And what did you do that was so great?" "Well, I'm glad you asked me, Pop, because this is what separates... the little businessman from the big businessman... the lamb from the wolf and the cow from the bull." "Okay." "Then let's cut out the bull and tell me." "All right." "While you was here coordinating' and killin' flies..." "I went out there and bought, for a measly 20 bucks... the most fantastic piece of cabinetmaking... ever came into this yard." " You did?" "Well, where is it?" " Just come with me, Pop." " Don't push on me." " I just want you to come this way." "I be lookin' good." "Now, sit over here, Pop, and close your eyes." " What is this, some kind of joke?" " It's no joke." "Just close your eyes." "Okay, now keep 'em closed." "I'm a-keepin' 'em closed." " Don't open 'em." " I ain't gonna open 'em." "Okay, Pop." "Now you can look." "Not bad." "Not bad at all." "Only one thing." "What is it?" "It's a commode." "A who?" "A commode." "You do know what a commode is, don't you?" "Yeah, that's a Japanese bathrobe." "That's kimono." "This is a commode, and it's from the early 1800s, Pop." "I checked it out." "And you paid 20 bucks for it?" "Yeah, plus a couple of balloons for this lady's kids that I bought it off of." " White woman?" " Yeah." " Ugly?" " Yeah." "Naturally." "Look, see, and they try to make such a big deal... out of furniture that's over a hundred years old." "That's the only kind of stuff we got around here." "This chick didn't know what it was." "She thought it was terrible." "She didn't want it... 'cause it didn't fit in with the rest of her furniture." "How'd you know what it was?" "I stopped off at this antique shop... and the guy gave me all the information on it." "You know what we could get for this at an auction?" "Between three and four hundred dollars." " You kiddin' me." " No, I'm not." "Just look at it." "Now, look at that quality." "Look at that finish." "Look underneath where it says, "Made in Japan. "" "Would you stop it." "Now, I described this to the guy at the antique shop." "He said that it sounded like real English Regency." "So, it's a nice piece of furniture, but what's it for?" ""What's it for"?" "I already told you." "It's a commode." "Here, look, Pop." "You ready?" "It's a chamber pot." "Of course it's a chamber pot." "What do you expect a commode to have in it, a derby?" "That's the whole point." "This was an important part of the furnishings back then." "It was the only sanitation system that they had." "But... ain't no chain." "Of course there's no chain." "That wasn't invented yet." "The modern toilet didn't come on the scene until much later." "Now, you told me yourself that we didn't have a toilet until 1935." "No, 1934." "I bought one to celebrate gettin' a job on the WPA." "Well, back in the 1800s..." "in the early 1800s... this is all anybody had." "Everybody used these, even royalty." "Kings and queens." " They did?" " Sure." "You didn't expect them to have a little house with a half-moon on the door... in the back of Buckingham Palace, did you?" "No, but where did they keep 'em?" "Wherever they needed 'em." "On the landing." "In the bedroom." "Sometimes when they had a banquet... they put it behind a screen in the dining room." "I don't believe that." "That's what the guy at the antique shop told me." "He said that they wasn't so hung up about stuff like this... the way we are now." "If a guy got caught short during a meal... he'd run behind that screen, and zip... he'd be back out there in time for the next course." "He wouldn't even miss none of the conversation." "That's disgusting." "I mean, that's really disgusting." "It is not, Pop." "That's only because you're judging it by today's standards." "That's the way it was back then." "I don't care how it was back then." "Suppertime is suppertime... and when it's somethin' else time, it's somethin' else time." "Well, that's the way it was, and this is an important one too." "Look here on the side." "You see that on the side?" "That's another reason why this is so valuable." "What's that?" "Well, that's the Prince of Wales's feathers." "See?" "This is his crest." "I wouldn't be surprised if this didn't belong to the prince himself." "You are looking at history." "I am lookin' at a toilet." "Anyway, I'm gonna take it into one of them fancy antique shops... over in Beverly Hills." "They gonna flip when they see this." "You say you can get three or four hundred dollars for it?" "At least." "If we could get our hands on more stuff like this, we could retire." "Now, see, Lamont." "That's the thing that bothers me." "If this thing is worth that much money... why did you only give the woman $20, even though it was an ugly white woman?" " What are you talking about?" " Sanford and Son's... got a reputation for paying' a fair price." "That's how we got a good name in this business." "It's not my fault if people don't know what they're selling." "I didn't do nothin' wrong." "Wasn't it you that told me... to do unto others before they can do it unto you?" "It's just somethin' that is not right." "I don't understand you." "This ain't like you, man." "You'll feel better tomorrow morning once you sleep on it." "I ain't gonna sleep on it." "I ain't gonna feel better 'cause I ain't gonna sleep on it... and I ain't gonna sit on it." "I'm gonna fix me something to eat." "I ain't in no commode business." "I'm in the junk business." " Mr. Sanford?" " Yeah." "Mr. Sanford, you were at my house this morning... and bought a Regency commode from my wife." "Is that right?" "No, I was the one that was at your house." "What about it?" "You paid her $20 for it, didn't you?" "I bought something that might or might not be an antique." "So?" " Well, it is." " We don't know that, do we?" " Is there something wrong?" " Yes, there is something wrong." "I'd like to discuss it with you." "May I come in?" " I knew it." "I knew it." " Yeah, come on in." "Thank you." "There it is!" "Thank goodness you didn't sell it!" "There's been a mistake." "My wife shouldn't have sold you this piece." "You see, she didn't know the value of it." " I knew it." "I knew it." " That's not my fault, man." " She agreed to the price." " You took advantage of her!" "I knew it." "I knew it." " Just what is it you want, Mr..." " Osborne." "You're an antique dealer." "At least that's what your card says." "You must have known it was worth more than $20." "We didn't know that." "I swear." "We thought it was a spittoon." "It's people like you that give the antique business a bad name." "I knew it." "I knew it." "You knew I knew it when I told you I knew it." "It's underhanded dealing, that's what it is." "Talking innocent housewives out of parting with their antiques... and then paying them practically nothing for it." " It's underhanded." " Yes, it's underhanded." "Your wife couldn't wait to get this out of the house." "Because you talked her out of it." "Now, that's very unfair." "Very unfair." "That's very unfair." "Very unfair." "Would you stop it." "Don't go accusing me of doing nothin' underhanded." "Tell your wife to be more careful in the future." "Is that all you have to say?" "Is that all you have to say?" "Because if it is, Mr. Sanford, you're behaving like a cad." "Yeah, you're behaving like a..." "What's that you called my son?" " A cad." " Yeah." "You're behaving' like one of them, and a dummy too." "Excuse me, Mr. Osborne." "I'd like to talk to him for a minute, if that's all right." " Don't be pushin' me." " Go inside there." "This is my business deal." "I'm the one that brought the thing in the house." "Is there something else that you wanted to talk to me about, Mr. Osborne?" "Only this." "I've got to have that piece back." "I'd be happy to sell it back to you." "Good." "I'll even offer you a little profit on the deal." "How about $30?" " We'll take it." " No, it's worth more than that." "You're making $10 on..." "All right, all right. $50." "We'll take it." "You're gonna have to go higher than that." " Seventy-five?" " He's offering us $75 for a toilet!" "This toilet happened to belong to the Prince of Wales, didn't it, Mr. Osborne?" "All right." "You've got me over a barrel." "I'll give you $200 for it." "Lamont!" "Two hundred!" "Would you stop it!" "It's worth a lot more than that, and he knows it." "If you put it up for auction, you'd have to pay a commission... and then take whatever price came in." "Two hundred is very fair." "Very fair." "Two hundred is very fair." "Very fair." "All right." "To show you I'm not a hard businessman, I'll take it." "May I write you a check?" "Yeah." "Put your address and phone number on the back." "Not exactly a bad profit for a day's work, is it?" "Hey, man, that's the way it goes." "I'll have someone come and pick it up in the morning." "Now, one thing more, Mr. Sanford." "If I hear about you doing something like this again..." "I'm going to report you to the Better Business Bureau." "I'm not a member." "Well..." "I know somebody else who'd be interested in all of this." "It's Ralph Nader." "Is he in antique toilets?" "Ah, $200." " You ought to be ashamed of yourself." " Are you gonna start that again?" "Yes, I'm gonna start that again, taking advantage of people." "If I wanted to take advantage of him..." "I could have charged him twice as much." "You heard the man." "He would have paid anything to get that back." "Two hundred dollars." "Two hundred dollars for a toilet that ain't got no chains!" " What's the matter with you?" " You know what's the matter with me." "Don't tell me you're still mad about that commode business." "Forget about it." "I can't." "I hate to see you taking advantage of people." "This is Sanford and Son, not Shakedown and Son." "Ho-ho-ho." "What does that mean, "Ho-ho-ho"?" "I bought something for about $20, and I sold it for 200." " That's a 1,000% profit, right?" " Right." "You had an old suit laying' around here that you paid two dollars for... and you sold it to that Mexican guy down the street for 20." "Now, that's a 1,000% profit." "So, ho-ho-ho." "Well, that was different." "See, everybody was satisfied with my deal." "See, that Mexican fella, he was happy as a clam... 'cause he ain't never had a three-piece suit before." "But you didn't tell him that knickers was out of style, did you?" "Well, knickers ain't out of style." "I saw a picture in the paper the other day." "You know the head man in Yugoslavia?" "What's his name?" "Toto?" "Tito." "Toto was the dog in The Wizard of Oz." "Well, I get 'em mixed up." "Anyway, he had on some knickers... and he was out huntin', and he looked great." "Huntin', yeah... but you don't wear knickers to apply for a job in a restaurant." "That's the whole point, Pop." "You took advantage of somebody." "At least I took advantage of some people that could afford it." "It just ain't right, and you ain't gonna make it right." " 'Cause you didn't do it, that's why." " You just a cad." " Yes?" " Good afternoon." "Are you open?" "Yeah, we open to the public 24 hours a day." " Come on in." " Splendid." "My name is Bonnet." "Emile Bonnet." "Antiques." ""Beverly Hills, New York, Rome, Milan. "" "I ship to Italy twice a year." "At one time we were buying everything they had to sell." "Now it's the other way around." "Yeah, you could say that again." "In any case, I like to explore in the strangest places... and this is certainly a strange place." "I say, that's rather bizarre." "Oh, no, no." "That's my father." "No, no." "I was referring to the piece behind him." "I'm sorry." "I didn't mean to laugh at you, but your son did make a funny." "Yeah." "He's a regularJerk Benny." "Well, now, let's see what we have here that's interesting." "This glass cabinet." "Is it period?" "Yeah, it's the only glass cabinet we got, period." "You have a nice sense of humor too, don't you?" "Yeah, I get off a good one every now and then." " Say, listen, you Italian?" " Oh, I'm a little of everything." "Italian, Greek, Turkish." "Even Syrian and Dutch." "You must've had to take a lot of shots to get in this country." " Oh, yes, indeed." " Yeah, well, look around." "We got a lot of nice stuff here." "You ever been to Switzerland?" " On occasion." " Maybe you could use this sled." "No, I think not." " What about Africa?" "You been there?" " I travel all over the world." "In that case... you probably could use this spear when you get to Africa." "If not, you could use it in New York City." " On the subway." " Now, then..." " At night." " The point is..." " When you by yourself." " No, thank you." "I really don't..." "Good heavens." "This is incredible." "Exquisite." "A magnificent Hepplewhite." "Is it for sale?" " Yes." " No." "Yes, it is." "This is the finest example of a Regency commode that I've ever seen." "I don't believe it." "The Prince of Wales feathers." "Do you realize what this must mean?" "Undoubtedly this was used by the prince himself." "Fantastic." "I'll take it." " You can't have it." " Pop!" " I'll give you $900 for it." " It's been sold!" "Did you say $900?" "Nine hundred." "I already have a customer for it." "Sophia Loren will buy this sight unseen." " It's already sold!" " It is not!" " It is!" " It isn't!" "Gentlemen, gentlemen." "Which is it?" "Would you excuse us for a moment?" "We want to talk for a minute." " Yes, of course." " Just excuse us." "Let's go." "If you don't give me this pot and mind your own business..." "I'm gonna lock you upstairs in your room." "You can't sell that." "It's against the rules!" "I make my own rules." "It's crooked." "I want no part of it." "Good." "Then stay out of it." " Good." "I ain't gonna say no more." " Fine!" " Don't ask me no more." " Perfect." "That toilet is gonna put us in the toilet." "Would you stay out of this and let me handle it, please?" "You got no sense." "I'm sorry, Mr. Bonnet." "It was just a little business conference in there." "If you've already sold the piece, let's forget it." "I wouldn't want to get involved in anything unethical." "Oh, no." "It was just a little misunderstanding." "It can all be straightened out with the stroke of a pen." "Yeah, a Federal pen." " I beg your pardon?" " Nothing." "Nothing at all." "You did say $900, didn't you?" "Right." "I'll call back in two days to make sure it's for sale." "That's fine, but don't worry about a thing." "The guy that owns this doesn't like it, his wife doesn't want it." "I'll buy it back from him and offer him a little profit." " Do you think he'll go for it?" " I'm sure he will." "You can just tell Sophia Loren that this pot is as good as hers." "Why, it'll be great for makin' pasta in." "If you can establish sole title to the piece, we have a deal." "And please try." "If necessary, I might even go higher than 900." " Don't worry." "I'll get it." " I hope so." "Good day." " Buon giorno, Mr. Sanford." " Yeah, bum journey to you too." "Don't say a word." "Not one word." "I won't say one word." "I'll spell it for you." "D-U-M-M-Y period." "Hello." "Can I speak to a Mr. Emile Bonnet, please?" "What?" "Isn't this 654-1654?" "Mr. Bonnet was at my place about three days ago... and he was inquiring about a commode, and I was calling him back... to tell him that I have it ready for him." "There's no Mr. Bonnet there?" "Who am I calling?" "Okay." "Thank you." "Hey, Pop, you know that phone number that Bonnet gave me three days ago?" "It was to a McDonald's hamburger place." "I don't understand it... and after I got Osborne to sell it back to me for 300 bucks." "So, in other words, you're into this pot here for $320." "How do you figure that?" "I still got Osborne's check for $200 in the bank." "So this only cost me 120, and Bonnet's offered me 900 for it." "So I'm still in the clear." "But the question is, where is Mr. Bonnet?" "Maybe you should call McDonald's in Rome." "I mean, you're just..." "you're just dumb, son." "See, you've been conned." "You've been conned, robbed and ripped off." " What are you talkin' about?" " Sit down." "This is gonna take some time." "See, now, these two guys were workin' together." "The first guy comes in here complaining that you took advantage of his wife." "And he buys a commode off you and even gives you a profit." "Now you know it's valuable." "So then here comes the second guy, the antique dealer... and he tells you if you can buy it back off the other guy... he'll buy it from you." "So, you give the first guy, Osborne, a check for $300 made out to cash." "He rushes to the bank to cash it... and you don't see neither of these guys again." "You don't believe me, do you?" " I believe you, except for two things." " What?" "I already put the check for $200 in the bank... and I still got the valuable commode." "And I called the bank this morning, and the check is still bouncing... and I had a guy come in here this morning and appraise this commode." " And?" " They're worth 20 bucks each." "He said he had appraised 14 of them this week." "Those two guys had worked this whole neighborhood." "Son, you've been had bad." "I can't believe it." "It's your own fault." "If you hadn't been greedy, they couldn't work the deal." "You see, son, always remember what the Bible said." "He that liveth by the sword shall be stucketh." "Hello, son, I got your lunch ready." "I got some tuna fish and mayonnaise... and it's nice and wet, the way you like it." "That's good, Pop." "I happened to see that you had the commode out... with a For Sale sign on it." " How much you think you'll get for it?" " Well, I paid 20." "So I'll try for 30." "I could ask for 40 and probably get 50... but I should say 60 and get around 70." "But I'm pretty sure I can get 80." "Now who's taking advantage?" "No, but I put a lot of work into it." "I waxed it, polished it and tightened all the knobs on the drawers." "That's another thing that I noticed." "The pot is missing." "You gonna get $80... for something that don't even have the most important part." "But it's not." "I put a lot of work into it, and I'll show you." "That's what makes it expensive." "Sit down and close your eyes." " Sit on down and close your eyes." " Is this some joke?" "It's no joke." "You did it to me, and I'm gonna do it to you." "Sit down, and don't peek." "Don't peek." "You can open your eyes." "See?" "I bet the Prince of Wales would've liked this." "It'd be like going in the woods." "Sanford and Son is recorded on tape before a live studio audience."