"What time is he coming?" "Any time." "Should be here now." " Perhaps something's happened to him." " You think he's missed his bus?" "No, no, no." "I mean something may have... happened." "Who is he, exactly?" "All I know is he's an army officer with something to tell me he wouldn't divulge on the phone." " It's probably nothing." " Perhaps." "Remember Churchill, the wilderness years?" "He found out about our military inadequacy from army officers." "So while he was in the wilderness he could leak stories to the press and embarrass the government." "I could do that!" "But you're IN the government." "Oh, yes!" "I'll get it." " Major Saunders?" " Yes, sir." "Come in." "Follow me." " It's all right." "My wife, Annie." " Good evening." " Drink?" " Thanks." " Scotch?" " Thanks." " Sit down." " Thanks." " No need to keep thanking me." " Thanks." "I mean, sorry." " No need to apologise, either." " Sorry." "I mean, thanks." " Shall I go and let you talk in private?" " Please stay, if that's OK with you." " Yes." "No secrets from Annie." "I tell her everything." " Several times, usually!" " So, is this highly confidential?" " It is, rather, yes." " Shall I turn on the radio?" " Is there something good on?" " In case we're being bugged." " Oh." "Is that likely?" " Who's in charge of bugging politicians?" " Ah..." "Yes, come to think of it, I am!" "That's all right, then." "Could I say that what I'm about to tell you I'm telling you on a personal basis?" "Fine..." "What do you mean, exactly?" "I'm telling you personally and not as Minister for Administrative Affairs." " But I am Minister of Administrative Affairs." " But I'm not telling you in that role." " I'm telling you as a journalist." " Journalist?" "I thought you were an army officer?" " No, YOU'RE a journalist." " I'm a minister." "But what were you before you became a minister?" "Your starter for ten, no conferring!" "I get your drift." "You're telling me what you're telling me, though I don't know yet what you're telling me, as the former editor of "Reform"." "Yes." "You were a very fine editor." " I wouldn't say that." " You've often said that!" "But how do I prevent myself, as a minister, from knowing what you'll tell me as a former editor?" "I can't prevent the minister from knowing." " He means it's a question of hats." " Yes." "I'm not wearing my ministerial hat tonight, but I ought to warn you, if I need to be told what you tell me, I shan't hesitate in my duty to keep myself informed!" "Fine." "Now, who's in charge of selling British weapons to foreigners?" " Bzzz." "Hacker, LSE." " Shut up, Annie." "You wrote an article in "Reform" about the sale of British weapons to undesirable foreigners." "Yes, it was called "The Dreadful Trade"." "Perfectly patriotic to manufacture arms for our own defence or our allies'." "Although not all our allies are very commendable." "But we must not sell weapons to bolster the regimes of foreign despots, Nazi dictators..." " Or terrorists." " Terroris..." "Terrorists?" "Terrorists." "As I told you, I've recently returned from Rome." " NATO, wasn't it?" " A military delegation to NATO." "While I was there, they showed me something they'd captured in a raid on a terrorist HQ." "It was a computerised bomb detonator." "Very new, very secret, and very lethal." " Who showed it to you?" " I can't possibly say." "It's a confidence." "I see." "Computerised bomb detonator?" "You set it to calculate the weight of the victim, speed of his car, so you're sure to get him, and you can reprogram it remotely, by radio, after setting it." "Gosh." "I don't associate Italians with that sort of technology!" " It wasn't made in Italy." "It was made here." " Made in Britain?" "Under a Ministry of Defence contract and paid for by the British taxpayer." " And used by Italian terrorists?" " Yes." " Where did they get them?" " That's what I want to know." "You haven't told anybody else?" "If I make an official report, I have to disclose my sources." "But if I tell someone near the top of government..." "Er, AT the top, actually." "Yes... that secret British equipment was being supplied to Italian terrorists," " then he would, er..." " Absolutely." "What would he?" "Find out how it's being done." "The investigation would have to start in Britain at the top level." "Fine." "But you told me you were telling me on a personal level." "Yes, but now you know personally, if not officially, you can use your personal knowledge to start official investigations to get official confirmation of personal suspicions so what you now know personally, but not officially, you will then know officially as well as personally." "You're not related to Sir Humphrey Appleby by any chance?" " Who?" " Never mind!" " I felt I had to tell someone." " Absolutely." "Well, now I know, personally." "Marvellous." "Going to do something about it, aren't you?" " Absolutely, indeed I am." " Right away?" "Right away." "What are you going to do?" "I'm going to think about what you've told me." "Right away." " And then?" " Then I will consider various courses of action." " Without delay." " You'll take action without delay." " I will consider taking action without delay." " Are you related to Sir Humphrey Appleby?" " Like another drink?" " No, I must be off." " Can I rely on you to tackle this shocking matter?" " Indeed you can." " Goodbye." " Goodnight." " Goodnight, Major." " Goodnight, sir." " What do you think?" " You'll do something?" "I certainly will, if it's right." "But I can't believe it's true." "Could it happen?" "Couldn't." "Could it?" "It's not just that it shouldn't." "It couldn't." "And if it could, it wouldn't." "Would it?" "You ARE related to Sir Humphrey Appleby!" "Humphrey, I must talk to you about something which concerns me deeply." "Really profoundly important." "The amendment to the order on stock control in government establishments?" "The procedure for renewal of local authority leaseholds in development areas?" "No, what concerns me is a great issue really of life and death." "Shouldn't that wait till after work?" " It is work." " Really?" "Please go on." "How do British armaments manufacturers sell their arms to foreigners?" "You get an export licence from the Department of Trade." "Private firms can sell their arms abroad?" " Companies and government agencies." " To whom?" " Foreign governments, usually." " Is that all?" "Well, sometimes you can sell to an arms dealer, third party." "A man in Manchester buys on behalf of a party in the Channel Islands with contacts in Luxembourg..." "There's no real control over who the arms go to in the end?" "Indeed there is." "The dealer has to provide an end user certificate which is a signature acceptable to the government that the ultimate customer is an approved user." "Is that a real guarantee?" "Would you be surprised if a British aircraft carrier turned up in the Central African Republic?" "I, for one, Minister, would be very surprised." "It's 1,000 miles inland!" "You know what I mean." "What about smaller weapons?" "It's officially impossible." "Stringent security, rigorous inspections, meticulous scrutiny." "You mean it's all a facade?" "Ah." " I think this conversation should end here." " No, it's as I thought." "A confidential source has disclosed to me that British arms are being sold to Italian terrorists." "I see." "May I ask who this confidential source was?" "Humphrey, I said it was confidential." "Sorry." "I naturally assumed that meant you were going to tell me." " You don't seem worried." " It happens all the time." "It's not our problem." "So does robbery with violence." "Does that worry you?" "No, Minister." "Home Office problem." "Humphrey, we're letting terrorists have murderous weapons!" " WE'RE not." " Well, who is?" "Who knows?" "Department of Trade?" "Ministry of Defence?" "Foreign Office?" "We, Humphrey, the British government." "Innocent lives set at risk by British arms in the hands of terrorists." "Only Italian lives, not British lives, Minister." " Could be British tourists abroad." " Tourists?" "Foreign Office problem." " Humphrey, we have to do something." " With respect, we have to do nothing." " What do you mean?" " The sale of arms abroad is one area of government we do not examine too closely." " I have to, now I know." " Say you don't know." " Are you suggesting I lie?" " Not you, Minister, no." " Well, who should lie?" " Sleeping dogs, Minister." " I'm going to raise this." " No, I beg you." "A rule of government is never look into anything you don't have to, never start an enquiry unless you know what its findings will be." "I can't believe this!" "We're talking about good and evil." " Church of England problem." " No, Humphrey!" " Our problem." "We are discussing right and wrong." " I'm not." "It's misuse of government time." " Selling arms to terrorists is wrong." " Either you sell arms or you don't." "If you sell them, they end up with people who can afford them." "But not terrorists?" "I suppose we could put a government health warning on the rifle butts!" ""This gun can seriously damage your health."" "You may take this lightly, but we cannot close our eyes to something as morally wrong as this." "If you insist on discussing moral issues, something is either morally wrong or it isn't." "It can't be slightly morally wrong." " Don't quibble." " Government isn't about morality." " Really?" "What is it about?" " Stability." "Keeping things going." "Preventing anarchy." "Stopping society falling to bits." "Still being here tomorrow." " What for?" " I beg your pardon?" "What is the purpose of government if not for doing good?" "Government isn't about good and evil." "It's about order or chaos." "It's in order for Italian terrorists to get British bombs?" " You don't care?" " It's not my job to care." "That's what politicians are for." "My job is to carry out policy." " Even if you think it's wrong?" " Almost all government policy is wrong, but frightfully well carried out!" "Have you ever known a civil servant resign on a matter of principle?" "I should think not!" "What an appalling suggestion!" "For the first time, I fully understand that you are purely committed to means and not ends!" "As far as I'm concerned, and all my colleagues, there is no difference between means and ends." "If you believe that, Humphrey, you will go to hell." "Minister, I had no idea you had a theological bent." " You are a moral vacuum." " If you say so, Minister." " Time for your lunch appointment." " You're keeping very quiet, Bernard." " What would you do about all this?" " I would keep very quiet." " So may we drop the matter of arms sales?" " No, we may not!" "I'm going to tell the Prime Minister personally." "Make an appointment, Bernard." "This is the sort of thing he wants to know about." "I assure you, this is the sort of thing he wants NOT to know about." "We shall see about that." "Indeed we will." "What's the matter, Bernard?" " Nothing really, Sir Humphrey." " You look unhappy." " I was wondering if the minister was right." " Very unlikely." "What about?" "About ends and means." "Will I end up as a moral vacuum, too?" "Oh, I hope so, Bernard." "If you work hard enough." "Makes me feel rather downcast." "If it's our job to carry out government policies, shouldn't we believe in them?" "Oh, what an extraordinary idea!" " Why?" " Bernard..." "I have served 11 governments in the past 30 years." "If I'd believed in all their policies," "I'd have been passionately committed to keeping out of the Common Market, and passionately committed to joining it." "I'd have been utterly convinced of the rightness of nationalising steel and of denationalising it and renationalising it." "Capital punishment?" "I'd have been a fervent retentionist and an ardent abolitionist." "I'd have been a Keynesian and a Friedmanite, a grammar school preserver and destroyer, a nationalisation freak and a privatisation maniac, but above all, I would have been a stark-staring raving schizophrenic!" "So what do we believe in?" "At this moment, Bernard, we believe in stopping the minister from informing the Prime Minister." " But why?" " Because once the Prime Minister knows, there will have to be an enquiry, like Watergate." "The investigation of a trivial break-in led to one ghastly revelation after another and finally the downfall of a president." "The golden rule is don't lift lids off cans of worms." " No, Sir Humphrey." " Everything is connected to everything else." " Who said that?" " The Cabinet Secretary?" "Nearly right." "Actually, it was Lenin." "How do you stop a Cabinet Minister talking to a Prime Minister?" " Interesting question." "You tell me." " I don't know." "Work it out." "You're supposed to be a high-flier." "Or are you really a low-flier supported by occasional gusts of wind?" "Well, YOU can't stop the minister seeing the PM, can you?" " I can't." " Nor can the private office at No. 10." " Correct." " It has to be someone high up in government." " Getting warmer." " Someone close to the PM." "Someone who can frighten the minister..." " The Chief Whip?" " Excellent, you've learnt a lot." " So, how do you crack the whip?" " I'm sorry?" "How do you mobilise the Chief Whip?" "The minister's asked me to phone the PM's private office for an appointment, so if you had a word with the Cabinet Secretary, and he had a word with the diary secretary, and they all had a word with the Whip's office then when the minister arrived, the Whip could meet him and say the PM is busy" "and asked him to have a word with the minister instead." "Excellent, Bernard." "You should have taken a degree in engineering!" " What are you doing?" " You wanted the Cabinet Secretary." "I do, indeed." "Now, do you, as the minister's private secretary, feel obliged to tell the minister of this conversation?" "What conversation?" "Well done, Bernard." "You'll be a moral vacuum yet!" "Ah, Jim." "My dear chap, how nice to see you." " Vic, I was hoping to see the Prime Minister." " Yes." "The PM's rather busy today." "Asked me to see you instead." "Vic, it's not a matter for the Chief Whip." "The PM asked me to have a preliminary conversation and write a background note." " Save time later." " Oh." "Well, I've been given some pretty dramatic information." "Go on." "The Italian Red Terrorists are being supplied with top secret bomb detonators made in this country, in a government factory." " And you feel you should tell the PM?" " Yes, the PM's head of security." "I don't think it's anything to burden the PM with." "Let's hold it over." " Forget all about it?" " That's my recommendation." "I'm sorry, Vic, I can't accept it." "The PM must be told." " If the PM is told, there'd have to be an enquiry." " Exactly." "Perhaps revealing other undesirable - even hostile - governments" " had been supplied with British-made arms." " Seriously?" "Perhaps." "It might be highly embarrassing to our Cabinet colleagues " "Foreign Secretary, Defence Secretary, Trade Secretary, and to the PM personally." "Doing the right thing might be embarrassing sometimes, but that's no reason for not doing it." "You know we already sell arms to Syria, Chile, Iran?" " It's officially approved." " You like what they do with them?" "Well, obviously not entirely." " Either you're in the arms business or you're not!" " If being in it means arming terrorists," " we should be out, it's immoral." " Oh, great!" "Great!" "Is it moral to put 100,000 British workers out of a job?" "And exports, two billion a year gone, for starters." "And votes?" "Where do you think the government places those weapons contracts?" " In marginal constituencies, obviously." " Exactly." "All I'm saying is that now that I know, the Prime Minister must be told." " Why?" " Why?" "Just because you've caught something nasty, why do you have to breathe over everyone?" "Are you happy in the Cabinet?" " Yes, of course I am!" " Do you want to stay in it?" "Well, then?" "Sorry, Vic, but there is such a thing as duty." " Sometimes one must follow one's conscience." " For God's sake!" "Must you flash about your petty little conscience?" "Don't you think anybody else has got one?" " Have you no conscience for the government?" " Of course!" "The PM is on the verge of signing an international anti-terrorist agreement." " I didn't know." " There's a lot you don't know." "Can't you see it's essential to deal with major policy rather than a few arms exporters and terrorists?" "Yes, I suppose it is just a couple of terrorist groups." " Can't kill that many people, can they?" " Suppose not!" "And you want to blow it all in a fit of moral self-indulgence!" "After all, with the PM thinking about you as the next Foreign Secretary..." "Do you mean that?" "Good Lord!" "So if you want to martyr yourself, go ahead and press for an enquiry." "Feel free to jeopardise everything we've worked for all these years." "No, no." "Obviously it's appalling if Italian terrorists are getting hold of British weapons, but there is such a thing as loyalty, the common purpose." "I suppose one must see these things in a proper perspective." " If it was the Ministry of Defence, Board of Trade." " Ministry of Defence, Board of Trade problem." "Foreign Office problem." "I can see that now." "So we can hold it over for the time being?" " Don't want to upset and embarrass the PM!" " Absolutely not." "Definitely not." "No." "Sorry I mentioned it." "Good man!" "So I thought on balance it was best to leave it at that." "Let sleeping dogs lie..." "In the wider interest." "As a loyal member of the government." " Nothing to be gained." "Opening a can of worms." " The major said they were terrorists." "Yes, well..." " We bombed Dresden." "We're all terrorists." " No." "I mean metaphorically." "You should meet the Chief Whip." "He certainly is!" " Someone in Britain's giving bombs to murderers." " Selling, not giving." " That makes it OK?" " Be serious, Annie." "An investigation might uncover all sorts." "I see." "Investigate if you can catch one criminal, but not if you might catch lots!" "If they're your Cabinet colleagues, you're right!" "Government is a very complex business, Annie." "There are so many conflicting considerations." " Whether to do the right thing or wrong thing." " Exactly." "No..." "What do you suggest I do?" " Take a moral stand." " How?" " Threaten resignation." " They'd accept it!" "Then where would I be?" "If I'm gone, I'm not in a position to do any good any more." " You're not doing good now." " Resignation may be a sop to our consciences, but it won't stop terrorists getting British bombs." " It might if you tell what you know." " What do I know?" "I've no hard facts." "I know it's going on because nobody's denied it, but that's not proof." "Can't you see?" "I'm in a real fix." "I don't think you realise just how real a fix you're in." "This letter arrived today." "From Major Saunders." ""Dear Mr Hacker." "Thank you for seeing me." ""Such a relief to have told you about the supply of British weapons to Italian terrorists." ""I know you will act upon this information as you promised" ""and I look forward to seeing some action taken."" "You see?" "What will you do when Major Saunders tells the world he told you about it and you did nothing?" " It's a photocopy." "He's got the original." " It was recorded delivery, so you did get it." "I'm trapped!" "Completely trapped!" "I can't tell the PM, I can't NOT tell the PM." " I see." " Might we not use the Rhodesia Solution?" "Bernard, you excel yourself!" "Of course, Minister, the Rhodesia Solution!" " What's that?" " Oil sanctions." "A member of the government was told about sanction-busting." " What did he do?" " Told the PM." " And?" " He told the PM in a way the PM didn't hear him." "Oh." "Do you mean I should mumble it in the Division lobby?" " No, Minister, you write a note." " Very faint pencil?" " Please, be practical." " It's awfully obvious." " Write a note susceptible of misinterpretation." " Oh, I see!" ""Dear Prime Minister, I believe Italian Red Terrorists" ""have secret British bomb-making equipment." How do you misinterpret that?" "You can't." "So you don't write that." "You use a more circumspect style with no mention of bombs or terrorists." " Isn't that what it's all about?" " Bernard, write this down." ""My attention has been drawn to information which suggests possible irregularities under..."" "Section 1 of the Import, Export and Customs Powers Defence Act 1939c." "Thank you, Bernard." "You then suggest that somebody else should do something about it." ""Evidence suggests there may be a case for further investigation" ""to establish whether enquiries should be put in hand."" "Then you smudge it all over." ""Nevertheless, it should be stressed that available information is limited" ""and facts could be difficult to establish with any certainty."" " I see." " If there's an enquiry, you'd be in the clear and everybody would understand the busy PM might not have grasped the implications." " They certainly would!" "That's most unclear." " Thank you, Minister!" "You arrange for the letter to arrive at No." "10 on the day the PM has an overseas summit!" "So there is also doubt about whether it was the PM or the acting PM who read the note." "It's seen as a breakdown in communication, everyone's cleared and can get on with things." " Including the Red Terrorists!" " Exactly..." "Bernard!" "I'll tell you about government." "You must always try to do the right thing." "But you must never let anybody catch you trying to do it because doing right's wrong." "Right?" " Haven't you had enough, darling?" " There's still some left in the bottle." "No, the thing about government is principle." "And the principle is you mustn't rock the boat because if you do, all the little consciences will fall out." "And you must all hang together." "Because if you don't hang together, you'll all be hanged separately." "I'm hanged if I'll be hanged!" "You know... politics is about helping others." "Even if that means helping terrorists." "Terrorists are others, aren't they?" "Not us, are they?" "No." "And you must always follow your conscience, but you must know where you're going." "So you can't follow your conscience." "'Cause it may not be going the same way that you are." "Empty..." "Like me." " I'm a moral vacuum." " Cheer up, darling!" "Nothing good comes out of Whitehall." "You did what you could." " You don't really mean that." " I do." " I'm just like Humphrey and the rest." " That's not true!" "He's lost his sense of right and wrong." "You've still got yours." " Have I?" " It's just that you don't use it much." "You're a sort of whisky priest, you at least know when you've done the wrong thing." " Whisky priest?" " That's right." "Good." " Let's open another bottle." " We haven't got one." "That's what you think!" "Who said nothing good ever came out of Whitehall?" " You want one?" " Yes, Minister!"