"Disgusting or wonderful?" "Hey." "Morning, roomie." "So tell me about last night." "What about it?" "I heard a girl's voice..." "I don't really wanna talk about that." "Come on, stud." "Is she still here?" "Wow, somebody's really taking to the bachelor life." "Yeah." "Good morning, Joey." "You spent the night in his room?" "Tell me she didn't sleep in your bed." "I slept on the floor." "Don't worry." "Not everyone wants to kill their daddy and marry their mommy." "That was one drawing I did." "What are you doing here?" "I realized Michael didn't have  hiswhite-noisemachine, so I brought it." "He can't sleep without his sounds of the jungle." "That's why I dreamt I was being attacked by monkeys." "Wait a minute." "If Joey didn't let you in, how did you get in?" "I let myself in." "You have a key?" "I made one for emergencies." "When you turned down that show..." "... itwasadarktime ." "Ithought you might do something drastic." "I wasn't gonna kill myself." "Really?" "Didn't even think about it?" "Mom, maybe you shouldn't have a key." "The reason for this move is so I could have independence." "I don't know how comfortable I am with you coming over." "What if I have a girl over?" "What if I do?" "Will you stop being silly?" "We're trying to have a conversation." "Fine." "If it's such a big deal, you can have the stupid key back." "That was too easy." "You have another one." "Well, good job, Nancy Drew." "Here." "How many more do you have?" "We can do this all day." "Hey, Alex." "Look at you all dressed for work." "You know, I played a lawyer once, yeah." ""I object!" "No further questions!" "How can this be a jury of his peers when five of the jurors are androids?"" "So the movie's in the future?" "No, no." "This was like three years ago." "Oh, my." "Say, hate to bother you with this..." "... but my husband's out of town and normally I would ask him..." "... butwhatdo youthinklooksbetter with this?" "Hair down or hair up?" "Definitely up." "Yeah." "Your hair is nice." "But I like it better back so I can see your face." "Yeah, I played a husband once too." "Okay." "Thanks." "I'll see you." "Okay, bye." "Oh, my God." "Another one of these?" "What?" "A note from the super." ""No unsanctioned grills allowed." "Please remove your grill from the patio."" "How am I supposed to make a hamburger?" "Well, you could use a frying pan." "Oh, don't just" " Just don't." "Does everybody get these notes?" "Yeah." "The super's kind of a hard-ass." "Do you get a lot of notes?" "Me?" "No, but I don't do anything wrong." "I'm kind of a good girl." "I wonder if Mr. Alex would tell me the same thing." "Maybe I'll wait a few days before making sex jokes with you." "That's good." "Maybe don't even do it then." "Okay." "Okay." "Gina." "Haven't seen you in minutes." "Don't worry, I'm about to leave." "I'm not gonna bother you." "Michael, your snack is ready!" "In a minute!" "I'm in the middle of something!" "Well, hurry up!" "I gotta get going!" "I'm so glad I moved out here!" "Here's your snack, baby." "I gotta get back to the salon." "An hour and a half under the hair dryer." "I hope someone's not dead." "Can you believe her?" "She's here all the time." "Yeah, well, she loves you." "But it doesn't even feel like I moved out." "I thought with you, we'd have this crazy single life." "You know, the two of us out meeting girls." "I know how you are with women." "You do?" "The first memory I have of you." "We came to New York for a family party." "The girl cousins flocked to you." "Nothing would have happened with them." "No, not even once before I knew that was wrong." "I just thought if I lived with you, then I'd have a chance to learn a few things." "What?" "That's really sweet." "You wanna learn stuff from your uncle." "Well, yeah." "That's new for me." "I've never been the one to teach someone something." "I was always the one who... ." "No, never learned anything either." "So are you up to it?" "Yeah, yeah, absolutely." "You came to the right guy." "I have so much knowledge to give." "I mean, you don't really have a dad around, and I don't have any sons." "So we can" " We can go to a bar tomorrow night." "cool." "I've never done that before." "You'll have a blast." "I remember the first time..." "..." "Iwentto abar and hit ongirls." "Were you my age?" "Close to it." "What?" "Like 1 8?" "Eleven." "I feel so lonely." "Well, hello, handsome." "Joey." "Hey." "How was school?" "Great." "How was what you do?" "For your information, I had a big audition today." "Oh, yeah?" "How'd it go?" "I don't know, I got lost." "Oh, you got some more notes from the super." "Man, this guy will not leave me alone." ""Wet towels cannot be left in the courtyard."" "Yeah, they can." "I did it." ""Underwear is not appropriate hot-tub attire."" "Why not?" "Maybe because when it's wet  it's see-through." "Hey, how about that?" "Yeah." "Hey." "Hey." "I know you were upset about your grill." "I made a list of places that make good burgers..." "... andsomeof my  favorite restaurants." "And there's your pee-pee." "This is great." "Thanks for doing this." "Alex, have you met my nephew, Michael?" "Not officially, no." "It's nice to meet you, Michael." "Yeah." "Golly, yeah." "Hi." "Wow." "That's clammy." "Why don't you save some of that magic for tonight?" "Hey, you know any of these places?" "This is weird." "What?" "The handwriting on this list looks a lot like the notes from the super." "check it out." "It's the same." "You know what that means?" "Alex and the super had the same handwriting teacher!" "Or?" "Alex is the super!" "Or Alex and the super have a secret" "No, no." "You had it." "Right." "Wait a second." "Wait a second." "If Alex is the super, that means she lied to me." "That sucks." "The same handwriting teacher." ""Golly, hi." "Gee, wow."" "Okay." "God, it took you forever to get ready." "Just like an hour and a half." "Usually it takes Mom like two hours." "That is because she is a woman." "Something which you are not." "Well, you look really nice." "I am also not a woman." "We don't do that." "But thanks-- come on." "Let's go." "Great." "Let me just make sure I got everything." "I got some money." "I got my fake ID." "Yeah." "These are cool." "They're impossible to tell apart from the real thing." "But I did have a little fun with it." "Check out the name." "Neils Bohr?" "The famous physicist." "He developed" "No, thanks." "Nope." "Look, Michael, as your teacher..." "... Ifeellikeweshouldtalk a little bit about your rap." "Okay?" "Now, we have to take your greatest weakness..." "... yourintelligence, and turn that into a strength, okay?" "Now, what kind of stuff are you smart about?" "I know physics." "No." "Next." "I enjoy cubing." "What's cubing?" "People share strategies to solve Rubik's cubes." "Next." "Also speed cubing." "Next!" "I'm pretty knowledgeable about astronomy." "That's, like, stars?" "Right." "Yeah, okay." "Yeah, that could work." "Yeah, yeah, okay." "You take a girl outside." "You show her the stars." "Very romantic." "Maybe it gets a little chilly." "You slip your arm around her." "You're starting to feel like another teacher I had." "He got fired." "All right." "Are you ready?" "Let's go." "Yes." "All right." "Hey, guys, it's me." "What are we gonna do?" "She's gonna wanna come with us." "Pretend we're not here." "Hey." "Don't make me use my key." "Hey." "Hey." "Look at you two all dressed up." "Where we going?" "Nowhere." "Nowhere." "Just hanging out." "Quiet night at home." "I know you're going out, Michael." "You got your shoulder pads on." "You're not a woman from the '80s." "So, what's going on?" "Well, we were gonna go to this bar down the street." "Sounds like fun." "I'm in." "Yeah, I don't know." "I'm not sure you should come, Mom." "We were maybe thinking of, you know, talking to some girls." "You definitely want me there." "I am a great wingman." "Remember when I hooked you up with cousin Marie?" "Yeah, thanks a lot." "You know how many Hail Marys I had to say for that?" "come on, let's go." "This is gonna be fun." "The three of us out together." "You know, I really think..." "... itmightbe betterfor the two ofus to do this alone." "Okay." "I understand." "No." "Well, just for tonight." "We can all do something tomorrow." "Yeah." "No, it's fine, really." "If you want it to be just the two of you, then I think you should do that." "Mom." "I feel terrible." "I know." "I know." "You know, I forget how sensitive she can be." "And classy." "All right, great." "I'll give you a call." "And that is how it's done." "Wow, you got her number." "That girl was gorgeous." "Yeah." "She lives in Long Beach." "Where's that?" "You take the 1 0 to the 405 to the 71 0" "Sorry, Betty, it's not to be." "How do girls from L.A. compare to girls from New York?" "Well, it's a little early and I don't wanna jinx it, but they may be trashier." "First thing you wanna do is find someone you're attracted to." "See anyone you like?" "Well..." "... the bartender's certainly attractive." "Oh, good eye." "Good eye." "No chance." "No, bartenders get hit on constantly, so it's a very high level of difficulty." "You might wanna start with that sorority girl..." "... whosefriendsarecarryingher to the bathroom." "I don't think so." "She doesn't look very smart." "Oh, no." "Maybe you won't coauthor a book together." "That girl." "She looks interesting." "Great." "Okay." "Go talk to her." "All right, here we go." "You put them back in?" "Maybe someone here wants a woman from the '80s." "Sorry, we got a call that you're underage." "I have to ask you to leave." "You got a call about me?" "The woman said to look for the genius..." "... accompaniedbythe Tony Danza-esque older gentleman." "Gina." "I can't believe this." "come on." "Let's go." "I was just about to score." "You really think I look like Tony Danza?" "Hey, good enough." "Come on." "Hey, guys." "Are all the girls you picked up coming separately?" "I can't believe you." "You called the bar." "Why?" "Because you shouldn't have been there." "I never drank alcohol before I was 21 ." "She's right." "Yeah." "I just" " I can't" "Never mind." "No, Michael." "You're upset." "You tell your mother how you feel." "It's just" " Okay." "I wanted some time away from you." "I don't think that's too much to ask." "You ruined my night, Mom!" "And Joey's." "And that's selfish." "You're getting it out." "What else?" "I hate that you made me take flute lessons." "Okay, we're going a little wide now." "Let's bring it back." "Bring it back." "I just" " I can't believe you couldn't give me one night on my own." "Look, I'm sorry." "But you have to understand." "You abandoning me is my worst nightmare." "Then you haven't had my monkey dream." "I was afraid you wouldn't want me to be a part of your life." "It would be the two of you going out having fun without me." "And now that's what's happening." "Hey, Gina." "Come on, now." "I don't understand why I can't come too." "Aren't I a fun mom?" "Didn't I buy beer for you and your friends..." "... onyour18th birthday?" "Yeah." "Then you drank it yourself." "And heckled us while we played Trivial Pursuit." "Come on." "Just give me a chance." "Let's try it one night." "It'll be an experiment." "Like the thing you put in the fridge that Joey ate." "Delicious." "Okay, I guess we could try it." "Plus, I can help you with the women." "Whoa, whoa, whoa." "Okay?" "I'm actually handling that, all right?" "I'm kind of his teacher in that area." "That must be a pretty involved course." ""How you doing?" "How you doing?" "How you doing?"" "Well, worked on every one of your friends." "Hey." "Hi." "I got another note from the super." "What an idiot." "Spelled "unacceptable" with two c's." "That's how you spell "unacceptable."" "Interesting that you'd know that." "Oh, so how are you?" "You doing well?" "Yeah, I'm fine." "Really?" "Just fine?" "You're not great or, say, super?" "Joey, what's up?" "I'll tell you what's up." "Your game is over." "You can't fool me." "I know you're the super!" "Or his handwriting teacher!" "The super?" "Where did you even get that?" "Okay, enough!" "If you don't admit you're the super right now, I'm gonna... ." "I'm gonna break this chair!" "All right, fine!" "I'm the super." "I am really worked up right now!" "Now you know." "It's out in the open." "Why did you lie in the first place?" "I didn't lie." "You never asked me directly." "And I didn't volunteer the information." "The lawyer logic isn't gonna work with me." "Or any other kind of logic for that matter." "I didn't tell you I was the super because I thought we were getting along." "Okay?" "It felt good because everybody in this building hates me..." "... andmystupidnotes." "They" " They call me the Note-zi." "It's not funny!" "And the crazy thing is, it's not even my job." "It's my husband's job." "He's away, so I have to do it." "If I'm gonna do it, I'm gonna do it well." "So I guess you're just gonna have to hate me like everybody else!" "Hey." "I don't hate you." "You don't?" "You should." "I mean, I leave these annoying notes and I made you take away your grill." "Yeah, but... ." "Look, I don't know many people out here." "Okay?" "I mean, I got my family, but they're kind of nuts." "Okay?" "I could use someone normal." "And you show a lot of promise." "Really?" "That's so nice." "I don't know what to say." "I think I'm gonna cry." "You have got yourself some mood swings." "So are we good?" "Yeah." "Yeah, we're good." "You wanna give me another note." "It's the last one, I promise." "But I didn't" " Oh, yes, I did." "Yep." "This is gonna be great, Michael." "There are lots of cute girls here." "Except for her." "What a tramp." "That's a mirror, Gina." "I am not talking about me." "Michael, first thing we gotta do is pick out some good prospects." "You wanna play the numbers." "What do you mean?" "Well, it's important to choose someone at the same level of hotness as yourself." "You can go two points either way, but I wouldn't do much more than that." "For example, I'm a nine." "Okay?" "So I can hit on a seven..." "... ora hypothetical11 ." "Okay?" "Another option for me is a four and a five." "Okay?" "Three threes." "And" " And I wouldn't recommend this, nine ones." "Okay, so, what number am I?" "Six." "Six." "Wow, honest." "Okay." "Start with that seven over there." "She looks nice." "He doesn't even know what to say." "No, we covered that." "Remember?" "Talk about the stars." "If you're gonna talk about the stars  I'm gonna have to downgrade you to a four." "You got a better idea?" "Yes, I do." "Does this place have a mechanical bull?" "Women really like to see how a man moves." "All, like, you know:" "Mom!" "All right, forget the stars, all right?" "On to plan B, "The accidental bump." Ready?" "Oh, sorry. l" " Oh, hi." "Don't listen to him." "I think it'll be easier if you sit here and I bring you girls." "What do you like, big chest?" "I think I'm just gonna go up to the girl and start talking." "Just make sure you're nice to her." "Yeah, but not too nice." "Compliment her." "Ignore her." "Compliment her then ignore her." "Yeah." "Okay." "Make sure you ask her her name." "And then call her a different name." "And make eye contact." "Yeah, but don't stare at her." "You want to seem interested." "But completely bored." "Just be yourself." "No, no." "Pretend to be somebody else." "Okay, I think I'd like you to leave." "What?" "Why?" "It's just a lot of advice." "It's putting a lot of pressure on me." "I think I'll just do better if I'm by myself." "Oh, okay." "Okay." "I guess we better go." "Damn it, that is me!" "I can't believe Michael's not home yet." "I know, it's taking a while." "You think that means he scored?" "No." "I really wanted to help him with this stuff, but it was hard." "Can I tell you a secret?" "He's weird." "Can I tell you a secret?" "I know." "He's just so different from us." "I mean, can you imagine having trouble with the opposite sex?" "The only thing that ever slowed me down was that little bastard." "And he's" " He's so smart." "Where's he get that from?" "I don't know." "It's like he's some alien sent from another planet to make me feel stupid." "Well, I'm here now." "Okay?" "So the dummies outnumber the aliens." "I just" "I feel bad, you know?" "I'm his uncle." "I really wanna help him with something." "If I can't help him with girls, I don't know what else I got." "You are helping him." "He's out on a Saturday night." "Normally, he'd be at the library studying." "Oh, if he left the bar and went to the library, I am going to kill him." "Hey." "How'd it go?" "I got a phone number." "From a solid five." "Hey, good for you!" "All right!" "So you gonna call her?" "I think so." "Call her now." "No, no, no." "Wait three days." "You want her to know you like her." "Play hard to get." "Take her to dinner and a movie." "Bring her a slice and some porn." "Joey, that's disgusting." "Worked on all of your friends." "I don't know, I think this stars thing could work." "Okay, I'll give it a shot sometime." "Try it now." "Come on." "Okay." "Well... ." "That's the Perseus cluster." "Okay?" "It's one of the most massive objects in the entire universe." "Makes you feel small, doesn't it?" "It does, Michael." "Continue." "Well, it's 320 million light-years away." "The universe is so vast and empty." "Makes me glad that we have each other." "What are you doing?" "I'm a nine!" "Subtitles by SDI Media Group" "[ENGLISH]"