"PAULY SHORE:" "My name's Pauly Shore, and I've been rocking and rolling for over two decades now, and I ain't stopping." "Most guys my age are married with children." "But not me." "I'm still playing with the little babies!" "I'm buzzing around Tinseltown, having a blast, hitting red-carpet events, hanging with celebs, and fooling around with some of them too." "Don't tell Tommy." "Mwah!" "I have a brother named Pete who's the opposite of me." "He likes to take girls to plays, and I like to play with girls." "And one of those girls that he took to a play, he settled down with, got married and started a family." "So I have a niece and nephew, which means I'm an uncle." "Of course, I'm not the uncle that's allowed to take the kids out for the weekend." "I'm the creepy uncle." "Recently, Pete and his family came in from Chicago to visit my mom, and since I was part of the family," "I was invited too." "And while I was hanging out with my niece and nephew," "I then realized after all these years of partying," "I've been missing out on true, unconditional love." "Right then I decided, "No, I'm not going to get married!" ""I'm going to have a kid of my own." ""I mean, who's going to take care of me when I get old?" "Definitely not this bitch." WOMAN:" "Oh!" "PAULY:" "And since I don't have a vagina," "I'm going to adopt a kid." "So then I went to an adoption agency in L.A., and they said, "Absolutely not."" "And then I thought, "Where are all the other celebrities adopting their kids?"" "¶ I'll be last night's man ¶" "And when it comes to celebrities adopting children, there has been a pecking order." "First there was Angelina, then Madonna." "And now..." "Who's your daddy?" "Who's your daddy?" "Pauly!" "Yes." "¶" "It's okay." "Hello." "¶" "Straight." "All right, all right." "¶" "Unlike Madonna and Angelina, who probably had their people call ahead to the African embassy to find their child," "I decided to improvise and just hit the streets." "Can I take him?" "(Crying)" "You know, Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt, Madonna." "What they do is they come to Africa and they just meet a baby like this, and they actually just pluck it and take it back." "This isn't my baby." "I just found this baby, but I'm going to find my own baby, okay?" "I want to spend some time with the baby." "I want to test-drive with the baby and go see if we even get along, see if we're compatible, right?" "(Crying) (Sighing)" "Oh." "He doesn't want to come with me?" "He's perfect." "I've flown all this way to take a baby from Africa and bring him to Los Angeles with me to fall in love with me." "(Crying)" "I'm going to go back to America with a beautiful baby boy or baby girl." "What's up, bro?" "Peace." "Trying to find your way around Africa is like the Beckhams trying to find their way around a Walmart." "So I hired a driver named Val, who's a cross between Elizabeth Taylor and the lead singer of Quiet Riot." "What would you do if you were to adopt a baby?" "I mean, it's best to go through the right channels." "Right." "So after thumbing through Us Weekly and watching several episodes of Access Hollywood, there was only one place for me to go to find my child." "This is the Oprah Winfrey All-Girls Leadership Academy." "We are here in Africa, and I'm..." "You know, this is the place that I thought would be perfect for me to actually possibly adopt a beautiful girl, bring her back to the States." "I need someone to run my company." "Hey, guys." "What's up, buddy?" "My name's Pauly Shore." "What's the word on the street?" "What's up?" "It's all good." "Is this the Oprah Winfrey School of Fine Arts?" "Yeah." "Is it called the Fine Arts" "Oprah Winfrey School?" "Yeah, it's the Oprah Winfrey School." "I know, but is it called the Fine..." "Is it called Fine Arts?" "Is Oprah here?" "No." "No, she's not." "She's not here?" "Are you serious?" "I just came all the way from Los Angeles." "She fucking said she was going to be here." "No, she's not." "She's not here?" "No." "Has she been here before?" "Yes, she was here." "Did you guys get an autograph?" "No." "We are not allowed." "You're not allowed to speak to her because she's the princess." "Do you bow to her?" "Who do you bow to?" "Nelson Mandela?" "My name, I think, is on the list." "MAN:" "Okay." "Yeah." "So if I can just make sure it's okay?" "Okay, let me check." "One minute." "Where are you going?" "Let me rub the head." "I know it's weird for a white man to rub a black man's head unless he just scored a lay-up." "What's his name?" "You want to come home with me?" "I can adopt you." "(Laughing)" "Can I adopt you?" "No, sir." "Everybody scream, "Oprah!" "Oprah!"" "Oprah!" "Oprah!" "Oprah!" "She's going to give us some money and take us away!" "Oh!" "I came here to..." "Can you please do that outside the gate?" "(Man speaking indistinctly)" "Did John Samuel tell us..." "Tell them you were..." "We were coming?" "For clarification, John Samuel is Oprah Winfrey's right-hand man." "Well, let's go here." "Let's go out here." "I knew it was time to leave when Louis Farrakhan's boy showed up." "What's your name?" "Hi." "WOMAN:" "Hi." "May I help you?" "No, I'm waiting For Dexter." "Yeah, he called me." "Oh, he did?" "Oh, okay." "Sorry." "How's it going?" "Pauly." "Sorry." "I don't want to be filmed." "Sorry." "You have to put that down." "Okay, you guys, don't film." "You have to put that down." "I'm sorry." "Yeah, throw the cameras." "WOMAN:" "That's not fair." "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "No, it's okay." "It's okay." "My name's Pauly." "Pauly, hi." "My name's Fruhana." "I'm John's PA." "Oh, okay." "Perfect." "John doesn't have any appointments, dear." "Really?" "Yeah, not this morning, no." "No, because we called..." "Do you know who contacted him?" "No." "Well, I had my assistant contact him and basically say that I'm coming here to..." "To..." "To Africa to possibly just interview the girls, so that was the whole..." "Yes." "No, I understand what you're saying, but I haven't received anything from anyone." "So there's no way I can talk to any of the girls right now?" "No." "I'm so sorry." "Just to interview them?" "I'm from America, okay?" "Yes." "Oprah's from Chicago." "My brother lives in Chicago." "Okay?" "Yes." "So I'm, like, really close with her, and..." "Have you seen me before?" "No." "(Laughing)" "No?" "No, I'm sure you're great." "I'm a funny guy." "I do this weasel thing." "I go crazy and stuff." "Okay, thank you for having us." "Dexter!" "Dexter!" "Later, bro!" "Adopting a child from the Oprah School was my only plan, so I had to go to Plan B, and I didn't have a Plan B." "Come to think of it, I didn't even have a Plan A." "Okay, be careful." "Lock the doors." "I will." "And if you hear me scream, you know, call George Bush." "(Laughing)" "What's up, bro?" "What's up, dawg?" "I came all the way from California." "You came to do what, exactly?" "PAULY:" "Meet a child." "Meet a child to take her back to California for a better life." "VAL:" "I have Pauly Shore with me." "He's here in Africa to adopt a baby." "Can I have him now?" "Can I take him with me?" "You sell the chicken?" "I'm selling him." "That's tight." "T.I., T.I." "How much for a..." "If I want to adopt a child, how much for a child instead of a chicken?" "A child." "I want to buy the chicken, and I want to adopt a child." "(Laughing)" "Do you have any babies available?" "No?" "How did Angelina Jolie do it?" "How did she do it?" "Remember Madonna?" "How did they do it?" "What did they do?" "Just wanted to say, "What's up?"" "Yeah, yeah, yeah, Los Angeles." "Sí." "Can I take this baby?" "WOMAN:" "No." "It's your baby?" "No." "It's my baby?" "No." "It's his baby?" "Give me a hug." "Oh!" "The problem is, is all these kids have parents, and they won't let me take them." "(Sighing)" "Anything?" "Have you gotten anything?" "Yes, I did call a few, one or two." "Yeah?" "Refused to see us." "I flew all the way over here because I'm interested in adopting an African child to bring back to the States with me for possibly a better life." "What you mean by "better lifestyle"?" "Well, why...?" "Yeah, why do they say that, then?" "That's my question." "Publicity stunt." "Why come all the way here when there are so many other people over there going through the same thing?" "So then I should just go home." "Just adopt someone from home." "Fuck this." "I'm going home." "(All laughing)" "MAN:" "That's what I'm saying." "So we're straight, right?" "We're all straight?" "No, no, no." "Nothing, we're straight." "PAULY:" "You know, maybe I'm going about this the wrong way." "If I'm going to find a child," "I'm going to need to break bread with these people." "But there's only one problem:" "when it comes to germs, I'm worse than Howie Mandel." "Is that clean?" "It's okay?" "No problem?" "MAN:" "Don't use too much." "PAULY:" "This first, then this?" "No, no." "And then that and then that?" "Show me." "Show me." "Let me show you." "Dude!" "What the fuck, bro?" "MAN 1:" "Show him." "Show him." "Show him." "MAN 2:" "Get that." "Enjoy it." "And also with... (Speaking foreign dialect)" "It's hot." "It's hot." "(Laughing)" "I need my soda!" "Can I try it on?" "Is that okay?" "No worries?" "Right." "No worries." "That's good, right?" "Sure, sure." "PAULY:" "Spending the day in Africa is like spending the day in Venice Beach but with no winos or Filipinos." "Have you seen Dave Chappelle?" "I heard he's hiding in there." "(All laughing)" "You got to like the music of America." "You like Dr. Dre, Snoop Dogg, 50 Cent?" "That's my boy, 50 Cent." "(Laughing)" "PAULY:" "I was having such an amazing time." "But with all this excitement, I almost forgot why I was here." "It was time for me to say goodbye to my new friends and continue my quest for my child." "Hi." "WOMAN:" "Hello." "How are you?" "I'm not doing too good, actually." "Well, do you guys have babies here?" "What are you, you're like a witch doctor?" "Sangoma." "What's a Samgorma?" "Come." "Come, come, come." "PAULY:" "Come?" "WOMAN:" "Come." "Let me show you, my son, how to throw the bones." "Here he goes." "(Blowing)" "Can you get diseases by holding the bones?" "No." "Okay." "Don't get mad." "I'm just asking a question." "(Both laughing)" "That's not good when bone... (Laughing)" "Is that good when one bone stays?" "WOMAN:" "No, it doesn't matter." "PAULY:" "Oh, it doesn't matter?" "Has that happened before?" "Yes." "Okay." "This is the babies?" "Yes, it's the baby." "This is a baby?" "Oh, this is the girl?" "Yeah, it's a baby." "This is a baby?" "Yes." "Oh, the baby!" "Oh, the baby!" "Oh, the baby!" "Breast-feed the baby." "Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah." "This is my little girl." "Oh, that's beautiful." "Here's the problem:" "I don't know where to go, and I just want to take the baby for one afternoon." "And I can take the baby for a little test-drive?" "Really?" "Yes." "Here's what I'll do, is I'll text you my number." "Okay." "Okay?" "See, you have cellphones here in Africa." "A lot of people don't even think that." "I know." "You're, like, modern, babe." "Yes." "(Laughing) Is that a BlackBerry?" "The new..." "The new BlackBerry Curve?" "Oh, it's a Nokia?" "Those damn Japanese." "Nokia!" "(Imitating speaking Japanese)" "(Laughing)" "Let me touch your Nokia." "So I got my reading from Miss Cleo, and I was on my way." "I'm going to get a baby, bro!" "I'm going to get a baby!" "I couldn't believe it." "Within the next 12 hours," "I was going to have a young girl or boy by my side." "Am I ready to take on this responsibility?" "Am I ready to become a father?" "Time will tell." "Time will tell." "So the Sangoma texts me on my BlackBerry and said, "These are the rules:" "3 days, 3 kids." "Have them home before dark."" "I text her back..." "She texts me back..." "Okay, I'm going to go fetch the baby." "Good luck." "Okay." "You're funny." "Are you sure you weren't in a rock band, like, in the '70s or '80s?" "VAL:" "No." "PAULY:" "This place doesn't look like an adoption agency." "It looks like a place to score medical marijuana." "(Door buzzing)" "Morning." "Hi." "Yeah, I'm here to see, is it...?" "It's Ellen?" "Ellen?" "Allen is in." "Come inside." "Is it Allen?" "Yes, it is." "Ellen?" "Is she here?" "He's here." "He's here?" "Yeah." "Come through." "Okay." "I have a meeting." "ALLEN:" "Hi, Pauly." "I've been expecting you." "I'm Allen." "Hey, nice to see you." "Welcome." "Thank you." "Thank you for having me." "Sit down." "Thank you." "We can have a talk about visit to our country." "I'm interested to possibly, you know..." "I just love little black children." "All right." "You know what I mean?" "I think they're adorable." "I think they're sweet." "And to possibly, you know, take them back to Hollywood, maybe raise them at the Comedy Store." "That's why I'm, like, think I would be perfect for it." "Are you in a normal family setting?" "Are you married with..." "Do you have a house of your own?" "I mean, it's serious stuff." "I mean, it's..." "Talking about an application." "You know what I have, is a big heart." "I have a niece and nephew." "If I were to get a kid, what would he be?" "Their nephew or their niece?" "Well, first of all, adoptions, per se, means that it becomes your child." "The child will actually have your surname." "Right." "It is your child." "So it would be, like, Mutumba Shore?" "Well, should you qualify for the adoption." "So you don't think I can qualify for one?" "Men..." "Well..." "I mean, what do you...?" "I mean, what...?" "We screen." "We screen." "But what do I...?" "Okay." "So I'm here." "I want a child." "Give me a child." "What do I do?" "You know what?" "You can have my passport for collateral, because then I'm not leaving the country, so you know, like, I'm not going to, like, take the kid and all of a sudden, like," "next thing you know, I'm in, like, Florida somewhere." "I would consider, I mean, sending Odwa with you for the day." "Oh, is that the kid's name?" "Yeah." "So you've already picked one out for me?" "I just want to..." "I understand." "Normally, I would not have done this." "Odwa!" "Odwa is a sweet, young, caring boy." "How are you?" "PAULY:" "Hi." "Wait." "Hold on." "Wait." "Hold him back." "Hold him." "Hold him back one second." "Seriously." "ALLEN:" "What...?" "What's your problem?" "There's no problem." "I just didn't..." "Here, you can come now." "Well, I don't like what I see." "Odwa, have a seat here next to Uncle Pauly." "Wait, wait, wait, wait." "One sec, one sec." "Because, I mean, because I didn't take my shots or anything." "He can sit down." "I didn't get my..." "My yellow fever." "Odwa, I want you to spend the morning with Pauly." "You want to sit down?" "It's okay?" "I don't know what you know about Africa, but..." "Well, yeah, tell me about it." "Well, I think you're totally misinformed as to..." "Well, you know what?" "You should go out in America and see what they think." "When you met me, you didn't have to put those things on." "Same for Odwa." "You don't have to." "You can take it off." "Okay, I will, in any case, I will hear from you and from Odwa how was the exercise." "I don't have a mask on." "I don't have anything." "I know, but you've been here a while." "There's nothing wrong with Odwa." "Okay." "Well, then, let's go." "All right, we're going to get..." "Get going." "Just remember, you will be back before dark." "Yeah." "Please." "No problem." "Thank you." "Thank you very much." "Thank you very much." "And hold the passport." "Okay." "No problem." "Here we go." "There's just no way that..." "I hope you everything the best." "Thank you." "ALLEN:" "Thank you, Odwa." "Thank you." "Bye." "ODWA:" "Bye." "(Door closing)" "PAULY:" "So I fetched my first child." "He was plump and juicy, like a little version of Cedric the Entertainer." "Now tell us, what's your name?" "And how old are you?" "You're a good boy?" "Okay." "I don't know if he is." "¶ I'm hoping, praying that this hill will start sloping ¶" "So I was thinking we'd go rock-climbing to start it out because I live in the Hollywood Hills and there's a place called Runyon Canyon, so if I wind up adopting you, you, me, and my dog Butter" "are going to..." "ODWA:" "Oh, stop this thing." "What?" "We're going to go..." "Butter." "(Laughing)" "PAULY:" "This is it." "We're here." "Rock-climbing." "We're here!" "VAL:" "Yay!" "ODWA:" "Son of a gun." "Yeah, you do." "(Laughing)" "There you go." "Yes." "(Groaning)" "It's a 3." "They will fit." "Let me do this." "Let me do this." "It'll be like our first kind of father-son..." "You know what I mean?" "Yeah." "Here, put your..." "Son, put your..." "Put your foot..." "How do you...?" "(Laughing)" "Yeah, but you're not..." "Wait." "Son, let me do it." "Oh, I can get it." "I can get it." "¶ There's so much going down ¶" "PAULY:" "I didn't expect to bond with Odwa so quickly." "Kiss your father, son." "Kiss your father." "Mwah." "If it were between me and a cheeseburger, he'd probably choose me." "You have to take off all this..." "PAULY:" "Nah, come to think of it, he'd probably choose the cheeseburger." "This is the wall you guys are going to climb." "PAULY:" "Okay." "Well, this'll be fun." "Are you up to the challenge?" "Whoa." "Yes." "You go first." "Make sure he's okay." "I just took him from the orphanage." "So are you going to go down and then I'm going to go up?" "I'm down already, so no need to go down, so you're going to go up." "Go to the top, son." "This..." "The top is America." "(Grunting)" "What else does he do?" "He can go higher." "What?" "No, you have to keep going." "Keep fighting." "(Laughing) WOMAN:" "Watch your hands." "Watch your hands." "No." "No, no." "WOMAN:" "Let go with both hands." "PAULY:" "Whoa!" "WOMAN:" "Okay?" "PAULY:" "That's my baby." "Push off the wall with your feet." "PAULY:" "You did good." "You did good, son." "You did good." "Ow, ow, ow!" "Oh, that was great." "Bye." "Thanks very much." "You did good." "You made it far." "What do you think, huh?" "What?" "Now where do you want to go now, son?" "He was amazing out there." "Still in one piece?" "Yup." "And?" "It was fun." "Come on." "Where are we going?" "Say bye to the kids." "Bye!" "VAL:" "Let's go, let's go." "PAULY:" "So where do you want to go now, son?" "Game farm." "The game farm?" "Mm-hm." "PAULY:" "Val?" "What?" "Take us to the game farm." "(Laughing)" "Say, "Who's your daddy?"" "Pauly Shore." "Ow." "Yes." "That's good." "(Laughing)" "PAULY:" "When Odwa told me he wanted to go to the game farm," "I thought it was going to be a farm with Donkey Kong and Missile Command." "Lions and tigers and bears." "Oh, my." "Are you ready for your big safari, young man?" "Yep." "Yeah?" "PAULY:" "So they can't come and get us, right?" "No." "Only if you misbehave." "This is it." "We're going to go see the animals." "WOMAN:" "You ready?" "Yep." "Yeah." "This is going to be exciting." "It's going to be like the Never Neverland Ranch, you know?" "Like Michael Jackson?" "Yep." "Right?" "And I'm going to hold your body, huh?" "I'm going to hold your body like Michael Jackson." "(Odwa screaming and laughing)" "(Elephant trumpeting)" "Ah!" "WOMAN:" "Would you like to go see some lions?" "ODWA:" "Yeah, baby, yeah!" "Yeah!" "All right, guys." "This bit of road gets slightly bumpy, so please hang on." "PAULY:" "Hold on." "We don't want you popping over the sides, because, the lions might eat you." "PAULY:" "Holy shit." "WOMAN:" "All four are there." "The four adults." "PAULY:" "They're starting to wake up." "Those lions are starting to look hungry." "I hope they like chocolate better than vanilla." "Shh." "They're quite all right." "They're sleeping." "Shh." "Scared that Odwa and I were going to get eaten by the lions, we disguised ourselves as Mother Teresa and Yoda." "Ow." "Ow." "Wait, stop, stop, stop, stop." "Wait." "Stop the car." "WOMAN:" "Something wrong?" "No, no." "Here." "Listen, whatever he says, whatever he does, keep driving, okay?" "I'll meet you guys about 100 yards ahead." "Just keep going." "You guys, just keep going." "Pauly!" "¶ In another time ¶" "(Lion roaring)" "(Elephant trumpeting)" "Stop the truck, you guys." "You're going to have to stop." "Hey." "What's up?" "Hi." "How's it going?" "WOMAN:" "Hi." "¶ Da da-da da, da da da ¶ (Laughing)" "¶ In another time ¶" "I'm Lauren." "What's up?" "Pauly." "Wow." "It's beautiful." "LAUREN:" "Mm-hm." "I got a neck like a giraffe." "Feel it." "This is good." "LAUREN:" "Beautiful, long neck." "WOMAN:" "Daddy will be back." "He just met that nice young lady that he saw on the other vehicle." "So I saw you in Entourage." "Oh, yeah, it's a good show." "Yeah, that scene when you got kicked out of the Playboy mansion." "And yourself, what are you doing in Africa?" "I'm here actually adopting a kid." "That's sweet." "So, yeah." "The single-dad thing could work for you." "Maybe we should meet for a drink down at the entrance." "Okay." "Okay." "All right." "Pinkie swearing?" "Pinkie swear." "(Laughing)" "Mm." "Mm." "There's more where that came from." "WOMAN:" "Think you'll see any animals in Los Angeles when you go and live with your new daddy?" "Yes." "(Howling)" "I'll see you later." "¶ Going to blow my mind in another time ¶" "Yeah, and you know what?" "He promised me to take me along." "Everybody took off, and here I am, all by myself." "Here we go." "Thank you so much." "It's a pleasure." "I hope you enjoyed that." "Yeah, it was great." "Be careful." "Ah." "Oh." "That's good." "I'm chowing down." "Sorry about him." "Hi." "Are you Pauly?" "Yes." "Yeah, she's been waiting quite a long time for you, but, unfortunately, she left already." "She left no phone number?" "Nothing." "Nothing?" "No way to get ahold of her?" "Sorry, no." "All right." "Thank you." "All right." "PAULY:" "In my time, I have been stood up by many chicks, but not south of the equator." "VAL:" "Chasing a girl." "PAULY:" "I'm not chasing any girl." "I met a girl out there." "VAL:" "Yeah?" "PAULY:" "Yeah." "So now it's time to go back to the hotel and show Odwa what his life's going to be like with me." "I want a Snapple!" "Oh, my son." "My potential son." "(Laughing)" "¶ Too close for comfort, you changed my mind ¶" "¶ Changed my mind again ¶" "VAL:" "All right, guys." "Here you are." "PAULY:" "Thank you." "All right, we'll see you a little later." "Good." "Enjoy." "Bye." "Be good." "Bye." "Bye." "See you." "Run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run." "Wow." "It's cool, right?" "Hello." "How's it going?" "(Odwa speaking indistinctly)" "The top." "Yeah!" "(Gibbering)" "Ah!" "Paradise!" "Give a child some love, yo." "Tell them, "What's up, what's up?"" "'Sup, 'sup?" "PAULY:" "All of a sudden, I'm starting to feel like Mr. Drummond from Diff'rent Strokes, and Odwa is my new, improved Gary Coleman." ""What you talking 'bout, Odwa?"" "What do you want with me?" "What do I want with you?" "Yep." "Why do you want me?" "That's a good question." "Because you need to be wanted." "Plus, you know, I feel that you would be part of an American culture, which it seems like you're already Americanized." "But I am already L.A.-alized!" "I am the king of Queens!" "You know what's weird?" "If I adopt you, it's like I'm adopting an American boy." "You're already Americanized." "Get the hell out of my suite." "(Both laughing)" "Yeah!" "Have you been a good boy?" "Why have you been a good boy?" "(Laughing)" "Oh, wait." "One more time." "I almost got it." "Here." "Here we go." "From the chocolate?" "(Laughing)" "Yeah!" "How does that feel right about here?" "Whoo-hoo!" "Daddy." "Whoo-hoo!" "¶ I love the tubby ¶" "¶ I love everything ¶" "Are you ready for your first scrub from Daddy?" "Yes." "Huh?" "One of many cleanings that I do for you." "Lift up your arms, son." "There you go." "Get that real good." "Man, if I choose Odwa, it's not going to be like I'm adopting a child." "It's going to be like I'm adopting a roommate." "Between the grocery bills and the rehab bills, this kid's going to break me." "Not to mention all my girlfriends he's going to have sex with behind my back." "Mm, mm, mm, mm, mm." "(Chuckling)" "Whoo-hoo!" "Daddy." "Whoo-hoo!" "Hyah!" "Whoo-hoo!" "(Seagull squawking)" "PAULY:" "Yum!" "This is a..." "An autobiography about a very funny comedian named Don Rickles." "(Laughing)" "So, when a kid from the neighbourhood learns he's going to the White House, he's excited." ""The President could be a peanut farmer," ""but this kid's still excited." "In fact, the President was a peanut farmer."" "(Laughing)" "Peanut." "Peanut farmer." "(Laughing) What the heck is that?" "Open this for me." "PAULY:" "All in all, Odwa and I had a great time." "He brought out an innocence in me that I haven't experienced in a while, a childlike quality that I lost somewhere along the way." "And I brought a dirtiness out of him, a disgustingness that he's never experienced before." "Whoa." "Whoa!" "Hey." "What's that?" "¶ Hot one ¶" "¶ Hot one, hot one, hot one, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay ¶" "I got to get it." "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa." "Stop." "Turn this..." "What are you watching?" "You know what?" "Forget it, all right?" "Just..." "Just stop." "Pack it up." "We're packing you up." "We're rolling you to the orphanage." "Let's go back." "Odwa's a beast!" "He's just like his potential old man." "He's like an African Mini-Me." "And you want to come to America for sure?" "I just want to make sure you're into it." "Yes." "You want to come for sure, right?" "Yes." "Okay." "Is there anything else you want to know about me?" "No." "You're good, right?" "Yes." "So, you'll pack your bags?" "Yes." "Okay." "All right." "Just make sure you just don't say anything." "Yes." "Okay." "Bye." "Bye." "Later." "¶" "It was weird." "I went from a child to a parent within a moment's time, and I was cool with it." "I was totally cool with it." "¶" "Last night I could hardly sleep, thinking about how much fun I had with Odwa." "But today's a new day, and I'm ready to experience what life would be like with another child." "Did Odwa talk to you?" "Did he say it went well?" "He said it was good." "How was the day with Odwa?" "You know what?" "He's..." "He's a fantastic child." "You think so?" "You know, but I do want to..." "You know, I do want to be able to see someone else." "Well, I said to you I'll..." "Yeah, I'll arrange another." "Not that I don't like him and not that he's not in the running." "This is like speed adopting." "Like, "Who's my next child?" "Who's my next child?"" "Well, I'm not into the business of speed adopting." "It's like almost like, I don't know, a pair of shoes." "You know, you buy a pair of shoes, and then, like, you know, a week later, you're, like," ""Shit, I wish I would have got Adidas." "Instead, I got Nikes."" "Not that the Adidas aren't good or the Nikes aren't good." "With respect, we do what is in the best interest of the child." "But I've arranged for you to meet Summila." "Is that a girl or a boy?" "It's a young boy." "Okay, okay." "Summila." "Come in." "Yes." "We have here." "My young boy, come in." "Oh, my God." "How's it going?" "What's his...?" "He's cute." "Summila, have a seat." "I like him." "I think I like him better than Odwa." "Odwa's a little crazy." "He's a little nuts." "Like, I'm nuts too, and I don't need..." "You know, he seems a sweet child." "Son, look at your father." "Look at your father." "Do you like it here, or do you want to go?" "He likes it here." "So this is going to be hard for me to crack him." "So I got to hurry." "You know, I don't want to spend any more time in your office." "Let me get going." "We just..." "You know, it's all good." "Summila." "Hey, thank you for letting me take your kids." "Yeah, well, thank you." "Oh, God." "All right, he'll..." "He'll be safe." "He'll be in good hands." "I trust you." "PAULY:" "Tell him you'll be in good hands." "In good hands, eh?" "All right." "ALLEN:" "Thank you." "PAULY:" "Thanks, guys." "Bye." "It looks like the tooth fairy forgot to look under somebody's pillow." "No sweet corn on the cob for this kid." "I had no idea they had hockey in Africa." "But it's okay, because I'm going to take him to Dr. 90210 in Beverly Hills and get him some veneers." "We're going to do some radio, okay, buddy?" "This is what we're going to do in the States." "(Woman speaking foreign dialect)" "We've got celebrity Tuesday, which means..." "PAULY:" "Celebrity Tuesday?" "Who the hell did they have here last week, Vanilla Ice?" "We've got our guest here in studio with us:" "Pauly Shore." "Nice to see you guys." "So tell us about the friend that you have here with you." "Hello." "Hi." "Hello." "Hello." "What's your name?" "Summila." "Why do you have Summila with you today?" "I'm looking to adopt an African boy." "You too?" "And why so?" "What made you decide to come and adopt an African boy?" "Because, you know, it's just..." "It's in my heart." "Okay." "So let's hear what the callers have to say." "Who have we got on the line?" "MAN:" "Hey, what's up?" "Do you think it's a great idea for Pauly to adopt a kiddie from here?" "You know what?" "I think Pauly is going to be a great dad." "Pauly, do not worry about all the other people." "As you guys call it, haters, you know?" "PAULY:" "Exactly." "If Clay Aiken can be a good mother," "I could be a great father." "(Speaking foreign dialect)" "(Imitating foreign dialect)" "Nothing to do with calamari." "PAULY:" "Summila's smart." "He's good-looking." "He's like baby Obama." "I'd vote for him." "Say, "I'm going putt-putting with my new potential dad," "Pauly Shore."" "I can't say it." "You wait, okay?" "I'll do that." "PAULY:" "Come on, son." "Let me give you your first golf lesson, okay?" "Hello." "Good." "What colour do you want?" "MAN:" "Pick a colour." "What colour?" "Blue." "Okay, we're going to have two blue balls." "(Laughing)" "See?" "My kind of guy." "(Sighing)" "Sir, is this the age that Tiger started around?" "This is the age that Tiger started." "Why do you think I'm down here with him?" "Get down on your stomach." "Come here, son." "Son, get on your stomach, son." "Here we go." "You ready?" "Huh?" "Play pool." "There you go, my son." "PAULY:" "There you go." "All right." "Are you coming with me?" "Yes." "You are?" "Go." "Yay!" "Yay!" "¶ Can I say just one more thing before I go ¶" "¶ That I think that you should know?" "¶" "Ow." "Ow." "(Laughing)" "¶ All the times and all the laughs ¶" "Where are you?" "Where are you, Summila?" "¶ Because I never liked you anyway, hey, hey ¶" "¶ La, da-da da-da da-da da-da-da ¶" "It's beautiful, huh?" "Right?" "(Laughing)" "Isn't it?" "If I take you back to America with me, we'll definitely come back here and build sand castles, okay?" "Pinkie swear." "Pinkie promise." "All right?" "Let's go to that thing that goes up on the mountain." "¶ La, da-da da-da da-da da-da-da ¶" "PAULY:" "Summila's great." "Odwa's great." "I might just have to adopt two kids." "They'll be like my Tupac and Biggie." "Okay, we're going on the cable car." "We're going on the cable car." "Look at us." "We're going up the mountain." "Isn't this awesome?" "Summila, do you want to look out the thing?" "(Tittering)" "Are you excited to be with me?" "SUMMILA:" "Yes." "PAULY:" "Fun." "MAN:" "Thank you, everyone." "Enjoy your stay on top of the mountain." "We all made it." "(All applauding)" "This is good stuff." "This is Summila." "Say hi to the people." "Hello." "Aren't the girls pretty?" "Look, they look like Britney Spears." "(All laughing)" "Hug them." "Hug the girls." "Hi!" "PAULY:" "See?" "Isn't he beautiful?" "GIRLS:" "Yes, he is very cute." "Oh, look, I have a piece of steak on the barbecue." "Huh?" "(Whimpering)" "(Laughing)" "Okay." "Ow." "Ow." "I got nieces and nephews." "Yeah." "So I got a..." "That's great, because, that's what kids..." "She had the body of Beyoncé and the head of a midget." "WOMAN:" "Are you all right?" "Just stay with the lady for a second." "Okay, I'll..." "Just hold on to him." "Hold on to him, okay?" "Okay." "I'll hang on to him." "All right, thanks." "'Sup?" "Hey." "How's it going, girl?" "Oh, good." "How are you?" "Good." "What are you doing over here all alone, little African princess?" "So do you know much about America?" "I like how your green stuff matches with the green stuff there." "Thank you." "What's your name?" "Angela." "Nice to see you." "Pauly." "Nice to see you." "Hold me like that." "(Laughing)" "Feel." "See my giraffe's neck?" "You were telling me what your favourite food was." "What is it?" "I was on Entourage recently." "You see that HBO show Entourage?" "Yeah." "I got, like, a really big part on that." "I'm, like, reoccurring through the whole thing." "Wow, I'm impressed." "Yeah." "Maybe you should teach Pauly some Xhosa." "Wouldn't that be fun?" "Can you go wine-tasting?" "Right now?" "Yeah." "Let's do it." "You'll love it." "You'll be okay." "You just wait here." "Okay." "Bye." "Bye." "You like it?" "Yep." "You do?" "Yeah." "Speak any language." "(Speaking foreign dialect) Yeah." "Oh, my God." "Oh, my God!" "I left my kid!" "I left my kid!" "Oh, my God!" "I left my kid!" "Summila!" "Oh, my God." "We got to turn it around." "Can we turn it around, please?" "Turn this thing around." "Is there another tram?" "MAN:" "There's another tram, but it's on top now." "It's coming down." "Oh, my God." "How long does it take for these things to go back up?" "MAN:" "It's probably an hour to get here, yeah." "An hour to go back up?" "Once again, my little head thinking for my big head." "You didn't mention you had a kid with you." "PAULY:" "I forgot." "You came up to me and you said, "Let's go wine-tasting."" "ANGELA:" "You should have told me." "PAULY:" "I forgot the kid was up there." "MAN:" "Do you want to go back up?" "Yes, I want to go back up." "Can these things go any faster, please?" "Can they go faster?" "Huh?" "Where's the opening?" "Excuse me." "Excuse me." "I lost my son." "Summila!" "Did you guys see a little boy?" "A little boy, like, this big with orange?" "He's wearing this orange..." "So you saw him?" "Yeah, I saw him." "Huh?" "Oh, my God." "ANGELA:" "You lost him." "Unbelievable." "As big as this girl is, you'd think she'd look over people and find him." "I can't believe this." "I'm such an idiot." "I'm sorry." "It's not your fault." "It's my fault." "Hey, I'm the one invited you." "I know." "It is your fault." "So, Lisa Leslie and I searched for hours and hours on top of the mountain." "You didn't see him?" "The little boy?" "And finally, through God's will, I found my boy, my child, sitting next to Weezy Jefferson." "My son!" "Phew!" "Thank you so much for watching my son." "Oh, my God." "You nearly got lost." "Thank you." "No, I left him, like an idiot." "Thank you, sweetie." "Hey." "Thank you very much." "Thank you for watching my son." "How are you going to be a good father, losing your son?" "Give me a hug, my son." "Oh." "Now that I have Summila back, we're one big, happy family." "So now it's time to get drunk." "(Speaking foreign dialect)" "That sounds Spanish." "Ask Summila what kind of wine he wants." "He's going to have a little too, since he's my son." "I'll get you arrested for that." "No, my African princess." "(Laughing)" "I'm kidding." "(Both laughing)" "Oh, we got a real Eddie Murphy in the car." "ANGELA:" "What do you think about me?" "You?" "You're the shit." "You're beautiful." "The first time I saw you, I thought you were Beyoncé." "Really?" "Yeah." "(Laughing)" "You're kidding." "PAULY:" "Yeah, Beyoncé with the head of a midget." "So show me the way." "I'm just going to follow your lead on it." "Hello." "Hello." "There you go." "Swish it up, son." "Swish it up like this." "ANGELA:" "Yeah." "Shake it a little bit." "PAULY:" "Shake it up." "ANGELA:" "Good." "Drink to family right here." "Here, come on." "Take this." "Wow." "This is nice." "PAULY:" "It's very..." "I taste a lot of stuff in it." "So it's, as I said, been made for a long time." "Wow!" "Wow!" "That's bam!" "Man, this chick drinks more than me." "She's like an Afro-aholic." "Can you be his mother for a second?" "ANGELA:" "Let me try." "If I can't handle him, I will tie his hands." "Let's drink." "PAULY:" "Where did he go?" "ANGELA:" "Right here." "PAULY:" "Come on." "Get back here." "ANGELA:" "Okay, don't go up." "Get back here!" "Yo!" "Somalia!" "You know what I think it is?" "I think it's..." "Uh-huh?" "Mm." "I think it's because he doesn't have any teeth or something." "Doesn't have tooth?" "No, you should look at it." "It's funny." "What do you mean, he doesn't have tooth?" "He lost his teeth." "I don't know what it is." "In a boating accident or something." "Is it?" "What do you mean, doesn't have any teeth?" "He has everything." "PAULY:" "Oh, my God." "Oh, my God." "Shit." "Oh, my God." "What's your name?" "Inga." "PAULY:" "No!" "I can't believe this." "Ah!" "VAL:" "What happened?" "What the hell have you done?" "Unbelievable." "What are you doing here?" "Picked up the wrong kid." "I'm not going back there, wasting my bloody time, my fuel, my car." "PAULY:" "And who do you think's paying for her fuel, her car and her time?" "Me!" "I don't need to hear this from Val right now." "I'm the star of Bio-Dome!" "ANGELA:" "I mean, really, what were you thinking?" "What were you thinking?" "How can you be a father, yet you can't even take care of a kid for just one lousy day?" "You are just so lousy!" "You just make a lousy father." "You're the whole reason why this thing happened from the beginning." "Hey, don't blame me for this, okay?" "You are just a lousy father!" "No, you're the reason, because you were looking at me and you said, "Come over here." (Shouting in foreign dialect)" "You know what?" "Screw this." "You know what?" "Drop her off." "Val, stop the car." "Stop the car." "Get out of the car." "Get out of the car." "Huh?" "Go." "Come on." "(Angela shouting in foreign dialect)" "You know what I mean?" "I do." "I do understand." "Let's just go to the radio station." "Okay, I'll take you there." "Sorry about that." "We got to get on the air." "(Speaking foreign dialect)" "Where are your parents at?" "Come on." "We're on in..." "Okay." "Whoa, whoa, whoa." "What's going on now?" "I got to get on the air." "Pauly Shore just ran into the studio here." "Whoa." "What is going on?" "I got to get on the air." "What are you doing here?" "Why did you just burst in here?" "If there's anyone out there over at Cable Mountain, please call if you've seen a kid on top of the main mountain with no teeth." "Please, someone call up." "WOMAN:" "So if someone finds a boy without the teeth on Cable Mountain, tell them to bring him here over to MFM studios." "PAULY:" "I've got to find this guy's parents." "What's your name?" "What's your name?" "Please come and fetch him here." "Are you stupid or something?" "How could you lose a kid?" "Just keep an eye on that one." "Just don't lose that one." "PAULY:" "Don't let him go." "Hello, MFM." "Good evening." "MAN:" "Pauly, man, you suck." "What's wrong with you?" "I..." "I made a mistake." "Do you think all Africans look the same or something?" "(Laughing) Is that a joke to you?" "Okay." "No, it's not a joke." "Find Summila." "Someone bring him along." "Thanks, you guys." "Okay, cool." "Thanks for having me." "Please go wait outside now, because you've messed up the show now." "And just look after this one." "Don't lose him now as well, please." "I can't get arrested for this, can I?" "Well, you lost a kid." "You lost a kid." "It's called negligence." "PAULY:" "I guess the moral of the story is don't drink and adopt." "(Speaking foreign dialect) That idiot!" "Oh, my God!" "PAULY:" "I've bathed a kid," "I've stolen a kid," "I've lost a kid." "I've mistreated more black children than the justice system." "Inga." "Inga, baby." "This is my son, man." "You can't tell the difference?" "Your child is not up for adoption?" "No!" "You can't adopt children." "You don't just steal them like that." "Please, get away from me." "Hey, before I go and call my family." "That's my kid!" "Oh!" "Look at him!" "My God!" "SUMMILA:" "I don't like this." "PAULY:" "I don't care what anybody says." "These two black kids look alike." "Come on." "Just leave me." "I was able to bring Summila back to the orphanage the next morning because Allen fell for the bit" ""Whenever a kid is sleeping, don't wake him."" "Pretend I'm Allen." "Hey, so how was the day with Pauly?" "Did he lose you?" "I heard he lost you." "He was good, right?" "Let me see the teeth." "(Laughing)" "And while I was talking to Allen, he told me how expensive it was going to be for me to actually adopt a kid, so I called my agent back in L.A." "to book me a one-nighter." "The show's tomorrow night, so I had to go back to the hotel and get some sleepy." "Nighty-night!" "¶" "I just hope Allen gives me another kid, preferably one that comes with a GPS." "ALLEN:" "So you okay?" "I see you look tired." "Yeah, it was..." "What's your problem?" "Well, just we slept a lot." "It was good." "We just hung out together all day." "Look, you said on the one hand," "Odwa was a bit mad." "And now you say you slept with Summila." "I didn't sleep with him." "It wasn't like I slept with him." "No, I didn't mean..." "We just kind of, you know..." "It's just..." "You fell asleep." "I definitely like Summila a little bit better that Odwa." "He's nuts, this kid." "Summila is..." "Is a sweetheart of a child." "Are you not perhaps nuts?" "Let's see who else you have." "I've got Faith for you." "Who is it?" "Faith is her name." "Oh." "So a girl." "Beautiful girl, yeah." "Okay, cool." "Faith!" "Oh, my God." "Wow!" "Hi." "Nice to see you." "How's it going?" "Your name's Faith?" "Is that your real name?" "Have a seat." "Really?" "Wouldn't she have, like, more of an African name?" "Well, many African people have names like "Faith"" "and "Beauty," and I've come across a guy with the name "Astonishment."" "Astonishment's his name?" "Yes." "Who's your favourite singer or rapper or anything?" "Oh, Beyoncé?" "See, I know Beyoncé, and I'm friends with Jay-Z." "I'm down with the whole East Coast crew, so, like, if this thing works out, like, I swear, like, within a month, she'll be in a Beyoncé video, probably playing her daughter or something." "Well, I don't want to go there." "PAULY:" "What do you think about that?" "Look, she's smiling." "ALLEN:" "I see you smiling." "(Laughing)" "Is that cool?" "She's quiet." "ALLEN:" "Thank you, Pauly." "You know what it says about the quiet ones?" "Those are the mischievous ones." "Excuse me." "Are you mischievous?" "You are, right?" "(Pauly laughing)" "Okay, here we go." "Okay." "Have a good time." "Okay." "I love her hair too." "It's beautiful, by the way." "I hate when, like, people put..." "Like, the girls, they put all the stuff in their hair." "This is à la naturelle." "African-za-za-za-style." "Okay, Pauly." "Thank you." "PAULY:" "Here we go." "Bye, Faith." "She's going to be in a hip-hop video, yo." "Later." "Just when I thought my heart was filled with the two boys, my heart opened up to a new passageway." "This is probably how George Bush felt when he met Condoleezza Rice." "Have you ever seen a stand-up comedian before?" "No?" "Do you know what a stand-up comedian does?" "You don't?" "No." "He grabs the mike, and he goes onstage in front of all the people and he tells jokes." "That's what I do." "(Scatting)" "Since my show was later that night," "Faith and I stopped by a local bar to do a warm-up set." "(Indistinct chattering)" "All the way from Hollywood, California, you've seen him in such movies as Encino Man," "Bio-Dome, Jury Duty," "Son in Law." "You got to give me an introduction, because I can't come out without introduction, right?" "If you've ever seen Russell Simmons' Def Comedy Jam, those brothers keep it real." "If I'm going to impress my daughter," "I can't back down like a punk." "I'm in Africa." "I got to come at these brothers hard." "Yeah, you know, actually, a lot of people think I came here to Africa to tell jokes." "I actually came here to get HIV." "Did someone just throw a drink on me, or is that piss rolling down my leg?" "I've been eating that..." "That goddamn meat that you have on the boards." "(All laughing)" "I go to a lot of clubs in Los Angeles." "I hate going down the red carpet." "They always ask me to go down the red carpet." "Here in Africa, you don't have carpet." "(Inaudible)" "I'm just kidding." "You guys have carpet." "It's just been urinated on." "Anyways..." "MAN:" "Oh." "But..." "Security to the stage." "Security to the stage." "Security to the stage." "Oh, God." "Oh, God." "Okay." "But thank you guys for having me in your beautiful establishment, seriously, and I'll see you next time." "Come on, babe." "Thank you, guys." "Bye." "That was fun, huh?" "Yeah." "That was the first time I ever played a room with a two-tooth minimum." "VAL:" "Have they recognized Pauly?" "PAULY:" "If I'm going to wind up adopting Faith, she's got to be fashionable, so I told Val to take us shopping." "Plus, I heard Madonna say that in Africa," "Ed Hardy shirts are half off." "This doesn't look like there's a place that there's a mall around here." "Is there a market, an African market?" "What is this place?" "Yeah, we'll..." "There is for sure some markets and shopping places." "PAULY:" "Man, this place is scary." "Where's Val taking us?" "I had no idea there was a South Central in South Africa." "VAL:" "Here we are, guys." "This is what you were looking for." "This is a market." "Go." "Get, get, get, get, get." "Go, do shopping." "Spend all your money." "This is an authentic market." "Promise me you'll bring me something, please." "If you come back without something for me, there's trouble." "Get!" "This place smells like urine and chicken." "Is this an authentic African market?" "No." "This isn't it." "We got to get the hell out of here." "This isn't the place that you were talking about." "Stay." "Bye, bye, bye, bye, bye." "PAULY:" "No, no, no." "What the hell is this Elizabeth Taylor, lead singer of Quiet Riot bitch doing now?" "She can't leave us out here." "It's like we're chum and these people are sharks." "Oh, I guess Pauly Shore is Dead isn't going to just be a movie anymore." "Is this an authentic African market here?" "I'm just in town." "I'm adopting a child from Africa." "And I'm supposed to take her shopping today, and..." "Where do I get a taxi from?" "A taxi?" "I just need to call the taxi and just have them meet me here." "If they meet me here, then I can tell them where to go." "Okay." "PAULY:" "Yes." "Where are you from?" "I'm from Los Angeles, California." "In the United States?" "Yes, from the United States." "(Whistling)" "And I was wondering if you have a telephone we can use to call a taxi?" "Mm-mm." "No way." "PAULY:" "No?" "Do you think I can get killed out here?" "Yes." "And when I realized that the black man was trying to keep the white man down when it comes to hailing a taxi, I decided right then it was time for Faith and I to do a little shopping." "(Speaking in foreign dialect) Those look good." "Hey, hey, hey!" "PAULY:" "I think I just found Flavor Flav's mom." "So after Faith and I were shopping, we got a little hungry, so we decided to stop by the mall's food court." "Is this like Panda Express?" "Let's keep walking." "Hopefully, we won't get stabbed." "Faith and I even bumped into a famous musician." "Macy Gray, fantastic Grammy Award-winning artist on Epic Records." "She's..." "Look at that face." "Hi, baby." "So these are your three kids?" "Can I take one?" "Yeah." "Eeny, meeny, miny, moe, catch a tiger by the toe, if it hollers, let it go, eeny, meeny, miny, moe." "(Grunting)" "All right, I'm grabbing kids left and right." "Come on, Faith." "You got a sister." "It was like I was an adoption junkie." "Every kid I came across, I had to grab." "Hi, I'm going to take your son." "And in the middle of my crazy euphoria, I realized," ""Shit, I've got to be onstage in less than two hours."" "And at that moment, Faith and I stumbled upon our guardian angel." "What's up, my man?" "Hello!" "Hello." "Are you the main guy here?" "Hey." "Are you the president of this area right here?" "His name was Peter Mata." "He stood 6'4"." "A giant with a heart to match." "And word on the street was he won sexiest man of Africa." "But more importantly, he had a phone." "So I can use your phone to call a taxi, right?" "Okay." "Are you on Verizon or ATT?" "You've got the penthouse suite." "You're like the P. Diddy of African-za-za!" "I want to see your spot." "Show me your spot." "This is tight work in here." "PETER:" "I'm staying here." "PAULY:" "This is it." "Yes." "Do you have a phone I can use?" "This is my room." "This is good." "I like it." "There you go." "That's how you roll, right?" "I like your headquarters." "I like this hook." "Do you bring girls here?" "Yes." "Have you gotten girls pregnant in this room?" "Yes." "You've gotten girls pregnant in here?" "(Laughing)" "Oh, Peter Mata!" "Peter Mata, you're so big!" "Oh, you're so big, Peter Mata!" "Oh, do it to me good, Peter Mata!" "Is that what you do to them, huh, you bastard?" "So, Peter called us a taxi and sent us on our way." "Bye, Peter Mata." "We'll see you later." "Bye-bye, bye-bye." "You're living large." "He's a nice man, that Peter Mata." "So after walking for hours all day, it was going to be nice to sit back and relax in our own taxi." "Can you take us to the beach?" "No problem?" "Okay, come on in, sweetie." "It's rainy out there today." "How's it going?" "Good?" "Are you guys going to the beach?" "Want to smoke some herb?" "(Police siren wailing)" "Uh-oh, here they come." "They're coming to get us." "We've got the blood diamonds." "Right?" "Yeah, bro." "We're getting blood diamond, boy!" "(Speaking gibberish)" "Click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click!" "Hi." "Hi." "Hi." "(Laughing)" "The smell that I was experiencing was somewhere between the perfume section at Barneys and horse shit, and that smell was me." "Either way, Faith and I were happy that we got picked up by the Boston Celtics:" "Kevin Garnett," "Paul Pierce," "Rondo." "They were all there." "Because I'm down with them, and they don't want to leave their little teammate in the streets." "All right, thank you." "Bye." "ALL:" "Bye." "One more "click, click."" "(All clicking tongues)" "(Chuckling)" "Later." "Even though I was running late for my show," "I needed to stop by and get my mom a blood diamond." "After all, it was her favourite movie." "No, you don't want to get blood diamonds." "Oh, you don't?" "No, you don't." "I thought that's what you guys had." "WOMAN:" "No, no, no." "PAULY:" "I wanted to get Faith a blood diamond, but I didn't want to spoil her." "And to be honest, I might not pick her." "I like to buy things for people that actually talk to me." "Thanks." "All right, sweetie, thank you." "(Seagull squawking)" "So I talked to the orphanage, and they said I could bring you home a little late." "So you'll be here okay by yourself at the room?" "Yeah, don't worry." "I'll be all right." "Aw." "Just go make people laugh." "Aw." "Is it me, or does Faith's hair look like Darth Vader's helmet?" "(Clicking tongue)" "Aw." "Okay, bye." "Okay, bye." "Sweetie, this is your place, so enjoy it." "Okay." "Bye." "Bye." "RADIO HOST:" "Yes, African mutts." "If you know what it is, it's all about the hardest-working party in the continent." "And tonight, it's all about Pauly Shore, man." "Don't forget Pauly Shore was in some of these great, great movies, like the Son in Law," "Bio-Dome, Encino Man, and, most recently, on HBO's Entourage." "And I hear that Pauly Shore wants to adopt a baby, man." "Yes, that's great." "We've got a caller on line." "Boom!" "Hello, caller." "CALLER:" "I just wanted to say when I heard that Pauly Shore was coming down to Africa, I was pretty excited, because I've always been a fan of Pauly Shore." "RADIO HOST:" "Yes." "CALLER:" "He's the funniest white cat" "I know, and he..." "And not a lot of white comedians can make me laugh, but Pauly has a little bit of Africa inside him," "I can tell you that." "RADIO HOST:" "Yeah, I know he does." "Thank you, caller, huh?" "CALLER:" "No doubt, man." "Pauly Shore!" "(Radio host laughing)" "RADIO HOST:" "Boom, dynamite." "(Cheering and applauding)" "What's up, Africans?" "Jesus, where are all my brothers at?" "How are you guys?" "How are you guys feeling tonight?" "(All applauding)" "I knew Africa had rhinos, but not albinos." "Are you guys sick of actresses coming over here and adopting your babies?" "(All laughing)" "Tired of Angelina Jolie coming over here, taking your children." "What she doesn't realize is someday these kids are going to grow up and rob her." "(All laughing)" "(Cheering and applauding)" "Like, "Quick, Maddox, let's get the fuck back to Jo'burg."" "It's weird." "Here I was on the other side of the world making thousands of people laugh." "But all I really wanted to do was go back to my hotel room and do my clicking sound with Faith." "Am I growing up?" "Have I turned a new leaf?" "I was truly moved by the children of Africa." "That's my time." "Thank you guys so much." "Thank you!" "I love you!" "Peace!" "(All cheering and applauding)" "¶" "What?" "You guys were the one that wanted to come here and have sex amongst yourselves." "Oh, my God." "That's what you said." "Sweetie, I'm back." "I've got to get back to the orphan..." "She robbed me." "Who?" "Holy shit." "She took all my clothes." "She did!" "(Laughing)" "Oh, my God." "There should be some stuff." "I got fucking robbed." "This is unbelievable." "Oh, Pauly, that's so cute, man." "Don't tell me she stole the..." "Oh, my God." "She stole the diamond." "She took my mom's diamond." "She stole my computer, my shoes, my condoms." "Condoms?" "Yes, my condoms." "No condoms?" "No, they took everything." "Well, we were going to rock your world, but, you know, this is Africa, man." "You guys are not from Africa." "Wait, wait, wait." "No, no, no." "Wait, wait, wait, wait, baby." "Oh." "Don't go." "Come on." "It would have been great." "You guys, don't leave." "Come on." "We've got to go." "I've been here a week." "I haven't got any action." "People waiting for us." "Things to do." "Please." "It's been good." "If we were back in the States, this would not be happening." "Don't these girls know who I used to be?" "¶" "It has come time to form my opinion." "I had to make a choice." "Was it going to Odwa, Summila, or that little bitch that robbed me?" "¶ Once again ¶" "I felt like a contestant on elimiDATE." "No." "No, no." "¶ Is this all there really is?" "¶" "Put your feet..." "Whoa!" "WOMAN:" "Okay, now you can push off the wall with your feet." "You did good." "You did good, son." "¶ Once again ¶" "Shh, shh." "¶ I asked myself ¶" "You want to go over?" "No." "Are you sure?" "Yes." "(Laughing)" "¶ This is not me ¶" "Ow." "Ow." "Where are you?" "Where are you, Summila?" "¶ I am diving ¶" "¶ I am running ¶" "This is Summila." "Say hi to the people." "Hello." "Aren't the girls pretty?" "Look, they look like Britney Spears." "(All laughing)" "Hug them." "Hug the girls." "Hi!" "Isn't he beautiful?" "WOMEN:" "Yes, he is very cute." "¶ Lift me up to higher grounds ¶" "¶" "(Speaking foreign dialect)" "Yes!" "¶ Get away from me ¶" "ALLEN:" "All right." "So you're here." "PAULY:" "Hi." "Welcome." "Great." "How was your week?" "Have a seat." "Well, I had a very busy, busy schedule." "I know." "There's lots of stuff going on in Africa." "It's crazy down here." "It's fun, though." "There's, like, so many things to do." "It's like a fair every day." "Well, I can just tell you," "I've actually consulted your references, and we did the screening, and we find you to be credible, so thank you for those kind of details that you provided for us, thank you." "There's..." "All my gym's paid." "All my car payments." "My..." "My rent." "So they would not have a problem at all." "All right, so that's the information I got." "I just want to hear from you." "I thought about it a lot." "I tried to figure out what the best child is for me." "Which one have you decided upon?" "And my choice is Summila." "I'm shocked." "Well, I know." "You would probably think I'd like the chubby one." "I don't like you to refer to Odwa as "the chubby one," please." "I don't like that." "Well, no, I don't mean, like, "chubby" in a bad way." "Listen, let me just..." "I just mean that he's a little bit..." "He's a little bit hairy, so..." "You took my Summila." "You know what my information is?" "That you lost that child." "Summila." "If we can wrap it up here and just kind of get out of here." "Hey, buddy." "Yo, my man." "Tell me." "Do you want to go with this man?" "No." "PAULY:" "Summila?" "ALLEN:" "You don't want to go with him?" "Wait, can I have an intimate moment with my son?" "Summila, look at me." "I'm not going to allow you to interrogate my child." "Summila?" "Did you brainwash him?" "No, this child..." "Summila?" "ALLEN:" "Okay, you can go." "Summila." "I understand that you're not interested in going with this man." "I hope your teeth never grow back, you son of a bitch." "(Door closing)" "I actually didn't want him." "I wanted the chubby kid." "I didn't want to say it in front of..." "No, no." "All right, listen here..." "I didn't want to say it..." "No, I didn't want to..." "Odwa, come in." "ALLEN:" "You have been in a bar." "Yes." "Number one." "Number one!" "Yeah, yeah!" "ALLEN:" "You want me to trust you." "Odwa, you tell me." "PAULY:" "My man, number one." "ALLEN:" "How are you?" "Good." "Do you want to go with this man?" "No!" "Now, this child does not want to go with you either." "What?" "ALLEN:" "This child does not want to go with you." "You can go." "Thank you." "Ow!" "Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!" "ALLEN:" "Odwa." "Step back." "Yo, my man." "It's amazing." "You must have brainwashed these guys or something." "I find it strange that you don't ask me where Faith is." "Faith actually robbed me, which I wanted to talk about." "Faith is still gone." "I'm just going to go." "You should be in prison." "Yeah." "I actually think..." "Listen." "This is your passport." "Take your passport and please leave my office." "Do you have any other kids in the pamphlet that..." "Even if I have children on the pamphlet, even if I have other children..." "I'm going to go." "Yeah, leave my office." "You're not good for this country, you're not good for its children, and thank you very much." "You've wasted my time." "Thank you." "All right, take care." "Bye-bye." "Bye." "I've just had enough of him." "I just can't believe that I've exposed myself to such horrendous activity." "Unbelievable." "PAULY:" "I don't understand what happened." "I mean, you said I was going to be a good dad." "You said everything was going good." "You threw the bones, you had the one thing with the girl." "With the girl, if you know where she is, I need my stuff back." "So, what happened?" "I know." "It's just..." "So now what am I supposed to do?" "You're trying to hook me up with your daughter?" "Really?" "I mean, it would be nice to have dinner with a nice girl," "I mean, if she's a nice girl." "I mean..." "Do you have a cellphone number?" "You've got the..." "You still have the Nokia phone?" "You haven't gotten..." "You haven't upgraded it to the BlackBerry yet?" "Can I throw the bones one more time?" "Letting us know if I'm going to, you know, hook up with your daughter or not." "I can..." "¶" "Hello." "Are you Pauly?" "Yes." "Who are you?" "I'm the Sangoma's daughter." "PAULY:" "If the Sangoma is her mother, then Sam Jackson is my father." "How is she your mother?" "Well, I've been adopted." "Interesting." "She told me lots about you." "And what was that?" "That you're a nice guy." "Yes." "Sweet." "Mm-hm." "Good-looking, so I was quite excited." "Don't be shy now." "Come on." "(Laughing)" "So, what's your name?" "Dawn-Mari." "Dawn-Mari." "Look at your lips." "(Both laughing)" "They're beautiful." "Thank you." "So did you come here for a special reason?" "Well, actually, I want a green card." "Done." "So, what do I get from it?" "Sex." "So if I get you a green card, you'll have sex with me?" "Just the two of us." "(Both laughing)" "PAULY:" "Here I was, having dinner and drinks with some hot blonde that was using me for something." "It was like I was back in L.A." "Finally, I felt at peace." "But through this whole experience," "I did learn just one thing, but I can't think of it right now because, damn, this bitch is hot." "And you know I love to be surrounded by the little babies!" "And as far as Faith and my mom's diamond," "I found out later she was in cahoots with my driver, Val." "Vijay, we got the diamond!" "PAULY:" "They were like Africans' version of Thelma and Louise." "Oh, well done!" "We're rich!" "We're rich!" "Thank you, Pauly!" "Well done." "Well done." "Off we go." "PAULY:" "But what Val and Faith didn't steal from me was the experience that I gained in Africa." "All those faces." "Look at your face!" "All those places." "Ah!" "Click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click." "And that goddamn meat on the boards." "(All chattering in foreign dialect)" "I need my soda!" "So it was time for me to leave Africa and head back to L.A." "But halfway through the flight, I realized," ""Hey, wait, Africa isn't the only place you can go adopt babies."" "(All chattering in foreign dialect)" "So I wound up in Cambodia." "I figured it was the next best thing." "(Girl sobbing)" "Oh, okay, okay." "She doesn't want to go." "Here." "Okay." "Sorry, sorry." "Sorry, sorry, sorry." "I thought she wanted to go." "You said she wanted to go." "(Sighing)" "There's no way Madonna and Angelina had it this rough." "¶" "¶ The dawn is a mystery waiting for discovery ¶" "¶ Hold on to something ¶" "¶ It's bound to get bumpy ¶" "¶ I'm hoping, praying that this hill will start sloping ¶" "¶ So that I can finally say ¶" "¶ That it's all downhill from here ¶" "¶ And I'll sing la-di-da ¶" "¶ Uh-huh ¶" "¶ La-di-da ¶" "¶ Uh-huh ¶" "¶ La-di-da ¶" "¶ Uh-huh ¶" "¶ La-di-da ¶" "¶ Awaiting confirmation from space station ¶" "¶ Oh, here I come ¶" "¶ Setting course towards the one and only place ¶" "¶ She can get to me, the burning sun ¶" "¶ And the world woke up to work its life ¶" "¶ With a paper cup and a butter knife ¶" "¶ This world, she acts just like a tired wife ¶" "¶ Who ain't no fun, won't give me none ¶" "¶ That's okay, because I never liked you anyway ¶" "¶ La-di-da ¶" "¶ Uh-huh ¶" "¶ La-di-da ¶" "¶ Uh-huh ¶" "¶ La-di-da ¶" "¶ Uh-huh ¶" "¶ La-di-da ¶" "¶" "¶ And the world woke up to work its life ¶" "¶ With a paper cup and a butter knife ¶" "¶ This world, she acts just like a tired wife ¶" "¶ Who ain't no fun, won't give me none ¶" "¶ That's okay ¶" "¶ Because I never liked you anyway ¶" "¶ La-di-da ¶" "¶ Uh-huh ¶" "You have the right to remain silent!" "Anything that can be held, will be held against you in the state of law." "You have an option to an attorney if you want one appointed to you." "Down on the ground!" "(Laughing)" "Down on the ground!" "Down on the ground!" "This is not racial profiling." "This is the real deal." "Down on the ground, son!" "Who do you think you are?" "Huh?" "Down on the ground, son!" "So Val and I decided to take some time out of our busy day to stop by and say hi to Chris Rock's friend." "Hi." "What's up?" "My name's Pauly Shore." "Nice to meet you." "I'm friends with Chris Rock." "Yes." "Chris Rock." "Do you know Chris Rock, the comedian?" "He said that I can come here and say hi to Nelson Mandela." "Okay." "Is he here?" "Who?" "Nelson?" "Nelson is not here." "Where is he at?" "Where is he at?" "Nelson Mandela Foundation." "Oh, it's the foundation?" "Yes." "But he's not here." "He's not here." "His pictures are on the wall, though." "Yes." "I saw his pictures on the wall." "That's cool." "WOMAN:" "Hello, can we stop the cameras?" "Can we stop the cameras, please?" "Thank you." "I was..." "No, I was here to give you money." "No, no, no?" "(Laughing) Ah!" "I need the lion." "I need it!" "I'm going to snap your neck." "That's it." "It's over." "(Imitating bones cracking)" "Ah, you're dead now!" "I killed you!" "(Laughing)" "(Grunting)" "Son, listen." "Since you're a big fellow..." "Listen, since you're a big fellow, right..." "You're a big fellow, right?" "If I get older and..." "And not able to control myself, will you be my security guard, as well?" "Yes." "(Grunting)" "Mr. Lion!" "Ow!" "Ow!" "Ow!" "Don't ever do that to me." "Ah, I won't, son!" "Why are all the American celebrities," "Angelina Jolie, Madonna, they always take the baby, and they say," ""Oh, we're going to take them out of Africa."" "I mean, that's terrible, correct?" "That's correct." "(Laughing) That's correct." "Exactly." "How much is a baby?" "I think you can spend less than 10,000." "10,000 American?" "Yes, but American can spend more than 20,000." "So now it's all of a sudden 20,000." "Do you have any babies you want to sell?" "Yes." "Let me go and take him." "Okay, bring him over here, and you're going to..." "You're going to let me buy him?" "Okay." "Okay." "I'll wait here and watch your shoes." "You guys, we're like warriors." "Say it like this." "¶ Warriors, come out and play ¶" "¶ Warriors, come out and play ¶" "I'm going to take you to see some pretty girls." "Go on." "You like pretty girls?" "Go on, yes." "I'm going to have your own room." "You're going to have your own room." "Go on." "I'm going to, you know, take you shopping and stuff and buy you iPods and computers and all those things." "Go on." "I'm going to introduce you to the G-Unit." "Go on." "(Laughing)" "(Screaming)" "Because a lot of these other people, they come and they just take the kid, so I'm here to spend time." "But the thing is, I don't want to, like, just meet the child and take him back to America." "I want to spend time with the child." "Yeah, get to know the child a bit." "Yeah, exactly, because the kid might not like me." "Yes." "You know what I mean?" "He might get back to L.A. and be, like," ""This guy's an idiot." "Get me back to South Africa."" "Yes." "You know what I mean?" "To spend for how long?" "Oh, here?" "I'll spend for a while." "Until I find someone that, you know, is good." "I mean, I might, you know, just, you know, see what happens, and then I have to do the paperwork and stuff." "Okay." "Hello, everybody." "I'm Steven Moolman." "I played the role of Allen." "Well, we may joke about a very serious matter called adoption of babies and, particularly, people of Europe and America adopting children in Africa." "Well, in Africa, adoptions is a real issue, and it's... (Laughing)" "Oh, sorry." "(Both laughing)" "Yeah, but it is real, guys." "(Both laughing)" "Oh, my God." "Well, let me..." "Listen, let me start talking, then." "Okay." "Okay, take two." "Hi, everybody, this is Steven Moolman..." "Sorry, sorry." "Hi, everybody." "I'm Steven Moolman here in..." "I don't want to say where I am." "Should I actually say where I'm in charge?" "Yeah." "Say where you are." "Sorry." "Wait, come on." "Wait, let me just get my composure." "How do we find a better way to kind of, you know, help this...?" "Communicate the need that there is." "Okay." "Sorry." "(Both laughing)" "What's your problem?" "I can't help it." "You started it." "Yeah, right." "Basically, the message is wear condoms, right?" "I mean, that's not the message?" "No, no, no." "(Both laughing)" "What's the message?" "So for me..." "We need some more resources to do it well." "Yeah, so for me, it was an enlightening experience." "I had a great time coming here to Africa, you know." "It was good working with you, yeah." "I had a great time, and the people are beautiful." "You know, the people here are honestly beautiful people." "And I definitely will be back." "And I had an amazing time with all these guys that shot the documentary." "Thank you guys so much." "It was nice working with you guys." "Thank you very much." "You guys are awesome." "Thanks, everyone here in the crew and everyone." "I can only hope that, through our experience, you know, we've developed a relationship where we can actually hear from one another again." "Thank you so much for having us." "Thank you." "Bye." "God bless." "Bye-bye." "Adaptation By:" "Ali Nabawy"