"Britain, Britain, Britain." "It's been called Heaven on Earth, and it's easy to see why." "Ribena is plentiful, shoelaces are available in different lengths, and there's a new Fred Basset cartoon strip in the Daily Mail every day." "But let's not forget the people of Britain." "For it is they what make it good and nice." "And it is that lot that we look at today." "Yippedy-doo-da !" "After an enjoyable day sitting on a bench, Lou is taking Andy home for his dinner." "Now, I know it's your birthday coming up, and I thought we could do something special." " So I've booked a table up the Harvester." " Yeah, I know." " Is there anyone you'd like me to invite?" " George Michaels." " You want me to Invite George Michaels?" " Yeah." " We don't know him." " Yeah, I know." "Well, I don't think he'd come." "Anyway, I thought you didn't like George Michaels." "You said that "Jesus to a Child" aside, you found his output emotionally vapid." " Yeah, I know." " Let's invite someone else instead." " How about your brother Declan?" " George Michaels." "Oh, my sweet saviour." "So, birthday boy, what would you like for your main?" "I want that one." "Ice cream." "And what do you want for your pudding?" "That one." "Garlic bread." "OK." "Ooh." "I must just get something out of the van." "Wait there." "Well..." "Hello, Mr. Michaels." "Well, well." "Well, you know..." "Hello." "Well, you're here." "Thank you for coming." "He's gonna be chuffed to bits." "That's quite all right." "I like to do my bit." "Very nice of you." "Andy, I got a surprise for you." " This is George Michaels." " Hello, Andy." "Uh... nice to meet you." "Happy birthday." "I don't like him." "I want him to go." "I prefer Tony Hadley." "I'm sorry, Mr. Michaels, I'm sorry." "Tell him "Jesus to a Child" aside, I find his output emotionally vapid." " Did you get that, George?" " Yeah." "Thank you." "At No. 10, Downing Street, the prime minister has returned after a weekend away at the NATO conference." "The day's first meeting is with the chief admiral." "The problem is, Prime Minister, that Polaris is rapidly becoming obsolete." "Unless we replace it soon, we shall be in very dangerous waters." "I..." "I have already explained, I cannot commit any more money to Defence." "I urge you, Prime Minister, to come down to Portsmouth, spend some time on board one of our vessels, to see for yourself." "Very clever." " Excuse me?" " What you're doing." "Very clever." "I don't follow." "Get him on the boat, plaster with rum." "'Ooh, sorry, I thought that was my hammock!"" " What?" " I know what you sailors get up to!" "Thank you, Sebastian." "Continue, Chief Admiral." "Well, I think, sir, you'll be shocked by the state the fleet's in." "I'd like formally to extend an invitation..." "I bet that's not all you're extending." "..to come on board one of our ships." "Ooh, she's so blatant!" " I don't know what you mean." " Don't play the innocent with me." "Mincing in here in your uniform. 'Ooh, Prime Minister, we need bigger missiles."" "Nice try, dear." "That's enough, Sebastian." " I'll have a look in the diary for next week." " We're busy." " I'm sure we have time for the chief admiral." " Well, lf you wanna go, go." "But don't come running back to me asking for Preparation H." "I shan't be interested." "Sebastian, I think you should leave." "Whatever." "Bye, Prime Minister." "Bye, Cap'n Birdseye." "Uh..." "I'm so sorry." "We wouldn't have to share the hammock." "The Cub Scout movement was founded by Lord Baden-Powell, who took much of his inspiration from "The Jungle Book" by Walt Disney." "# ..over the distant horizon... #" " Aren't they wonderful, Judy?" " Yes, delightful, Maggie." " Hello." " Hello, Akeia." "Would you care for a scone?" " Thank you very much." " Yes, thank you." " Mm." " Mm." " Delicious." "Did you make these?" " No, Baioo did." "Maggie..." " Maggie?" "Maggie..." "Don't stop on my account." "Are you sure you wanna go through with this?" "If you or your family have a sensitive problem, the best way to deal with it is to go on television and talk about it." "Welcome back, welcome back." "Today we're looking for Lost Loved ones." "Now, Ken, tell us your story." "Well, 14 years ago I had a daughter, but I've lost touch with her and I'd really like to see her again." "Now, do you know her name?" "Well, I didn't get the mother's name, but I think she called our daughter Victoria." "Well, we've got a bit of a surprise for you today." "What you don't know Is that we've managed to track your daughter down." " My God." "I don't believe it." " Yes, she's here today." "Now, she doesn't know why she's here yet, but please welcome Vicky Pollard." "Shut up!" "Who you looking at?" "Shut up!" "Shut up!" "Don't keep giving me evil!" "HI, Vicky." "Now, you don't actually know why you're here today, do you?" "No but yeah but no but yeah but..." "Is it because you're doing "Teens In Trouble'"?" "Because I not never even done nothing because let me tell you the whole thing." "Because Michelle Bingham, who's a complete bitch, has been saying that I went into Shelly Sackwell's bag and nicked a bottle of Cinzano." "But I never, but I did, but only because you're not meant to have alcohol on school grounds and I was gonna give it to Miss Turvy but I forgot and drank it." "I only got found out because I was getting off with Asif Shah and I was sick In his mouth." " No, that's not why you're here today." " You've been talking to Destiny Piatt." " Because you know Destiny Piatt?" " No..." "She ain't even got nothing to do with it anyway, so just leave her out of it." "Stop getting Involved, Trisha Goddard - you're such a mixer." "I know why I'm here." "It's because you're doing "I've had two babies and I'm only 12"." "You are well out of order because I was 13 when I had my second child." "Have you been talking to Aaron Peel?" "Let me tell you about Aaron Peel." "Listen to this..." " No, listen to me for a second..." " Talk to the face, the hand ain't listening." "Aaron Peel Is a total batty boy and he ain't got no pubes." "He's well out of order cos he's been saying I smoke and drank when I was pregnant." "But all I did was smoke two packs a day, drink 50 pints of snakebite a night, but apart from that I never done nothing, so you can well shut up, you total minger!" "You're not in trouble." "You're here for something nice, Vicky." " Really?" " Yes." "Totally really?" "I know." "It's cos you're doing "I wanna be a lapdancer"" "and you want me on it because I'm totally fit." "All the girls in the audience are gonna be well jealous cos they're such ugly bitches." "All the blokes are gonna be, '"Yeah, go for it."" "'We wanna see you up Spearmint Rhino" cos they wanna do me cos I'm so fit." "They probably already got a stiffy just looking at me cos they can all see my camel's hoof." "No, Vicky." "Ken, I believe there's something you wanted to say." "Yeah." "I want a DNA test." "I'm gonna be a lapdancer." "Everybody!" "(sings the "Trisha" theme tune)" "Vicky, no, no, no, no." " Come on, Trisha, let's do a lesbian show." " No, Vicky." "Vicky, this is your dad." "What?" "Eurgh!" "You complete and utter pervert!" "My God, what are you, some kind of pediatrician or something?" " That is disgusting" " No, you got it wrong." "I came on this show..." " You're well out of order!" " We're gonna go to a break." "You're well gonna get beatings for this, Trisha Goddard!" "Banks in Britain are notoriously generous." "If you become overdrawn, they let you keep the money for free." "Yeah, yeah, that's Miss Watiss." "Tell her I've frozen her account, OK?" "Hi, how are you?" "Me and Craig and Shanita thought we might do this fun run in aid of Comic Relief and wondered if you fancied taking part." " Computer says, 'When is it?"'" " It's the 14th." "It's a Sunday." " Computer says, 'What time?" "'" " Eleven." " Computer says, "How far Is it?"'" " It's just five miles." "Computer says no." "Meanwhile, rural gay Daffyd Thomas has come to London's ritzy Ritz hotel to do an interview for his local paper." "We never had this with Aied Jones." "Come on." "You gonna be long?" " Elton John." "How are you?" " Yes, uh..." "Daffyd Thomas, the only gay in the village." " Please, take a seat." " What's this for, exactly?" "This is the big one." "It's The Llandewei Breffi Gazette." "There you go." "OK, so first things first." "Let's get a little bit of background." "Are you married?" " No." " Right." "Any kids?" "No." "I've often seen you around with this chap David Furnish." "Is he one of your nephews?" "No." "'Close friend."" "Okey-dokey." "Now, let's get on and talk about your work." "When it comes to writing a song," "Bernie Taupin writes the lyrics, then you add the music." "Does it come quickly, or do you find yourself staying up at night bashing one out?" "No, I've always come quickly, actually, yes." "Now, when you're not writing or recording, you like to do live concerts." "You've recently been playing in Las Vegas." "Do you enjoy filling Celine Dion's slot?" "I wish I could say yes, but no." "You've started to write musicals." "You've done Aida, you've done Lion King, and most recently, Billy Elli-ot." "Would you say you were somebody who had a theatrical bent?" " Definitely." " Very theatrical." "I always thought you were." "Some of the people in the village have suggested questions." "Old Ma Evans, who works in the post office on a Tuesday - you know her - she says you're a very big football supporter and you was the chairman of Watford FC." "That's correct, yes." "She wants to know, did you let the manager make the decisions, or would you come down and pull someone off at half-time?" "If only." "Um..." "No, I would never interfere with a manager." "I'll take your word for it." "So you like tennis, you like football." "Are you into water sports?" "Not really, no." " Room service." "Here we are." "Now, I have, um... afternoon tea, fairy cake, chocolate éclair..." "Ooh!" "Senor Elton John!" "I am loving your music!" "# I want love, but of a different kind... #" "# It's a little bit funny, this feeling inside... #" "# Are you ready, are you ready for bum?" "# Yes I am, yes I am, yes I am #" " Cream horn?" " No." "Senor John, you are so attractive and magnifico." "Sexo with me..." "telefono cuatro, cuatro, cuatro, ocho, ocho, ocho." "Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh!" "She was camp, wasn't she?" "Oh, dear." "I didn't really notice." "You're very well known for your generosity." "Do you enjoy splashing out on David?" "Always, yes." "And you're always giving, aren't you?" "Give, give, give." "But do you like to receive?" " I prefer to give, actually." " You prefer to give." "Yes." "I know you've given a lot of interviews today, but I would like to ask you one more thing." "You've had a very successful career, so successful that you've been knighted by the queen." "Have you met many queens?" "Loads." "More than I could ever have imagined." "Really?" "Very successful, aren't you?" "I should imagine it would be very nerve-racking meeting Her Majesty." "What's it like kneeling before a queen?" "Do you get a lump in your throat?" " Hopefully, yeah." " Right." "'With a bit of luck, gets a lump."" "Right, well, that is all my questions." "Thank you ever so much for having me here today, Elton Jones." "I'm going back to my home in Llandewei Breffi, which is a lovely village." " You live in a nice village, in Berkshire." " Yes, that's right." "I've heard it's very picturesque - a lot of nice cottages." " I might come and explore them." " I don't think that's a good idea." "Why not?" "Cos I'm the only gay in that village." "Bit of an overreaction, I thought." "Here in Throttle, a lunch order is being taken." "Is Sir ready to order?" "Yes, I'II have the quail's-egg salad to start." "And to follow?" "The lobster thermidor with steamed broccoli and sugar snap peas." "Thank you, sir." " And some Hubba Bubba." " Any particular flavour, sir?" "Let chef decide." "Meanwhile, in Troot, theatrical agent Jeremy Rent is looking after his baby granddaughter." "I myself love babies and have over 300 at home." "Dennis Waterman here to see you." "Lovely." "Send him in." "Hello." "I've brought you some more toast." "Hello, Den." "That was very... thoughtful of you." "Look, he brought me some toast." "Look at that." "Do excuse me." "I've been left holding the baby somewhat." " I like babies." " This is my new granddaughter, Clarissa." "I'm just Looking after her while my daughter goes to an audition." " Can I hold her?" " Well, if you're very, very careful, OK?" "Now, two hands." "Support the head." "Ooh!" "She's big for her age." "I think she needs feeding." "Oh, well, there you go." "You can do it." "I've had a call from the chaps at the Palladium and they'd Like to offer you the part of Caraotacus Potts In Chitty Chitty Bang Bang." "Have you, uh, got her dummy?" "There you go." "That's nice." "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang." "Yes, I took my daughter who was in EeasEnders to see it." "Lovely." "So, they want me to star in it, write the theme tune, sing the theme tune..." "No, no, no." "They've already written all the music, haven't they?" "# Bang Bang Chitty Chitty Bang Bang... #" "Oh, yeah, I remember it." "("Minder" theme tune) # Bang Bang Chitty Chitty Bang Bang" "# The musical based on the book by James Bond creator Ian Fleming" "# Do-dodoo-dodoo" "# You'll believe a car can fly" "# Unless you're sitting in the stalls, when you can see clearly it's a mechanical arm #" "I think the baby's nappy needs changing." "No, that's me." "Transvestism in Britain is now more prevalent than ever, with nearly 50 percent of the population dressed as women." "Emily, it was such a wonderful Idea of yours to open up this ladies' shop." "Why, thank you, Florence, my dear." "Yes, I think it's very important that ladies like us..." "We are ladies, aren't we?" "Yes, Emily, we are certainly two of them." "I think it's important that ladies like us have somewhere we can go where we can buy our ladies' things." "Our little lace handkerchiefs, our parasols, our general ladies'... shit." "Oh, Emily, a customer!" "Hi, fellas." "Hello." "Yes, we are Ladies." "Welcome to our Ladies' shop." " This used to be Burtons, right?" " Yes, that's right." "I used to get all my clothes from here." "But it's OK, there's a Mr. Byrite on the corner." "No, no, no." "I'm sure we can find something for you." "We've got a shy one." "I'm all right." "I don't want to go behind here..." " Let's get these trousers off." " No!" " Can I give you a hand, Emily?" " No, thank you, my dear." "I'm fine." "Not my thong!" "Let's get these knickers on you, dear." "Florence, may I present to you a new lady friend of mine?" "Miss Roberta Williams." "Ooh!" "Somebody's going to be breaking a few men's hearts." " Really?" " Yes, you'll be quite the belle of the ball." "It's funny, I do actually feel comfortable dressed like this." "It's like I feel myself for the very first time." "Yes, indeed, ladies." "I could get quite used to this." "Thank you very much." "Au revoir." "Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha!" "Ooh-hoo!" "Ooh-hoo!" "Ha-ha-ha." "I'm a lady." "Bloody poof." "Ah-ha." "Coo-e!" "." "It's half past Oliver, and Lou has taken Andy to Herby athletics track." "Right, OK." "Now..." "I'm just gonna do a few laps today cos I need to train for this fun run." " Yeah, I know." " Cos if I raise enough money, we'll be able to buy you a new motorised electric wheelchair thing." " Yeah, I know." " So you just wait here." "I won't be long." "Fine, fine." "And so we leave our friends in Little Britain." "If you have enjoyed tonight's episode, you might like to make sweet, beautiful love to me, as a small way of saying thank you." "Good guy."