"Good evening!" "Welcome..." "My name is Bill Bailey welcome to the 'Remarkable Guide to the Orchestra' and Welcome to 'Albert Hall' Marvelous..." "What a marvelous venue it is!" "It was built by Victorians originally as a giraffe house, I don't know if you knew that" "Those boxes were originally stuffed with hay!" "And now, stuffed with the lucky members of the HSBC" "Tonight's show is a celabration of the orchestra in all its forms" "The majesty, the beauty, the power and the delicacy" "And I can't think of no finer ensemble to assist me in this task than the supremely versatile, and strangely attractive 'BBC Concert Orchestra'!" "And tonight, wielding the tiny white stick of unimaginable power an all around musical maestro, Oscar winner, musician extraordinaire - the wonderdul Anne Dudley!" "When I was a kid, I was taken to see a classical concert." "I was mesmerized by the sounds." "I was in trance, I was taken on a sonic journey" "And I didn't know which instruments made which noise or how the music was created" "Sometimes, the music made me think I was rushing through a forest..." "And then, bursting through the foliage, and emerging..." "On a mountain top!" "But then I entered a strange dream" "Some kind of psychedelic experience, when I was transported to a building..." "I walked into the building, and in the dream I entered some doors, some doors opened" "I walked into the light, and I was in..." "A lift!" "Let's start with the flute" "The flute is a magical, playful instrument" "It's got a wonderful, sort of light sound to it" "It conjures up, a memory... of a place you may have been to, or perhaps a place you may never have been to" "A false memory if you will" "A memory implant like they do in 'Blade Runner' [a sci-fi movie]" "And for that reason it strikes me as being mildly hallucinogenic" "You could be watching a massive iceberg, coming out of the moonlight or, perhaps sitting in an Irish theme pub eating a Chicken Comer with a hurling stick" "In the marvelous musical instruction book, written in 1695, called 'the sprightly companion' which in itself would be a great thing to have, a sprightly companion!" "To accompany you at all times." ""Hello, you've been down to the dance?" "Come on!"" ""Let's go for a walk, perhaps waterproof your boots, I don't know, hold the door open for a lady"" ""Listen to the wireless [radio], buy a new spirit level." "Come on!"" ""Go out west and watch Mamma Mia!"" "Sorry, Some of you may be fans of 'Mamma mia', I don't know" "I tried to like it, for me it was like being smacked around the head by a piece of Ikea furniture" "It hurts, but you gotta admire the workmanship" "So, in the 'sprightly companion', the sound of the oboe is described like this:" "Majestical and stately, and not much inferior to the trumpet!" "Which, if you Google:" ""Backhanded oboe compliments"" "That's in the Top 3" "The oboe has a very clear sound" "I's different to the clarinet and the bassoon, it's not cylindrical it's conical which gives a unique "timbre" [sound coloration]" "It has a clear, penetrating voice, which always sings through a large ensemble" "Rather like a French teacher on a school trip" "[French]  "Gaspard, pousse-toi!"  [English] Gaspard, move over!" "Actually the name 'Oboe' comes from the French 'Haut bois', meaning 'High Wood'" "But for me, it's a uniquely British sounding instrument" "It has a kind of melancholy plangent air, redolent of an empire on the wane [losing power]" "Perhabps a walk on a brisk automn evening through the Yorshire Dales" "Where all the traditional elements of rural Britain are in place" "A pint of Kronenbourg [beer brand]" "A bowl of nachos [Mexican chips]" "A rural sense of dislocation and despair..." "And four teenagers setting fire to a Nissan Micra [kind of car]" "Theorchestraplaysthe themefrom 'Emmerdale' aBritishsoapoperafrom 1989  named 'Emmerdale Farm'" "Some of you might be thinking:" ""Hold on ..." "'Emmerdale' doesn't an oboe in it" No, that's because, it was dropped from the theme wasn't it?" "And of course was the word 'farm' as well In 1989" "Now why 1989?" "Across Europe, too many scenes" "The Berlin Wall was torn down The Velvet Revolution in Prague" "I think it was a response to the collapse of communism" "They dropped 'farm'... too much of an association with collectivization and soviet oppression" "And the oboe itself, perhaps, in its conical order, a symbol of the old order" "It had to go." "Order and symmetry were what characterized the classical music period" "The term 'Classical music' is often used incorrectly it's used to describe all classical music" "But the actual 'classical music period' was from about 1730 and 1820" "And during that time the music kinda reflected the architecture at the time" "Solid, balanced and symmetrical." "And particularly the Baroque era during that time, the Oboe music from that era" "Is often used in advertising to subliminally suggest those characteristics of... order, solidity and trustworthiness such as you might find, in a bank!" "Now, by contrast, the sinuous and supple mischievous sound of the clarinet should have warned customers of trouble ahead!" "In this recent ad for Bradford  Bingley [A failing bank]" "Ha!" "You thought... we have the money!" "There's 2 instruments I'd like to highlight:" "the Bass clarinet and the trombone." "But the muted Trombone in this case" "Because these 2 instruments were used very widely to accompany villains," "TV villain in the 1970s." "When you see a TV villain, in any 1970's kinda cop show, when they're going inside, you hear the bass clarinet," "But when they come out, it's the muted trombone!" "You'll more likely hear this..." "You see?" "Bassoons have a crucial role to play in the orchestra, because they provide a crucial texture, fantastic layerings of sounds that's hidden within the body of sound of the orchestra." "And what I'd like to do now is to play a piece of music, and we'll strip away the layers of the orchestra so you can actually hear what the bassoon is playing" "We'll start with a bit of typical Baroque trumpet music" "You can't hear the Bassoon" "Now let's listen to the same piece of music again, minus the trumpets, just focusing on the woodwind and the strings" "Now let's take away some more layers, and just listen to what the bassoon is actually playing within the body of the sound" "Yes, you've noticed, the bassoon is actually playing:" "'How Deep Is Your Love' by the 'Bee Gees' [Disco song]" "Bassoon players are actually obsessed by the Bee Gees and for many years they've been secretly incorporating them in classical works" "Now we've started, there's very little we can do about it," "We just have to go with the flow, the bassoons have taken control" "Go bassoons!" "They're just crazy!" "Orchestras have often been used to conjure up the natural world" "Swans, sharks, trout..." "But not, as far as I know, the much melined jellyfish" "Never gets much of a look in the parol, the jellyfish" "And for this I'm gonna demonstrate this instrument which is called a 'theremin'" "Some of you may be familiar with this, This is an electronic instrument" "It was invented by a Russian radio engineer called Leon Theremin in 1919" "Purely by accident." "He was actually working on a motion detector piece of equipment" "Basically an alarm" "So as you go pass it..." "You know someone is trying to steal it, that's quite handy!" "I'll put it on the car" ""Hey, wait a minute!"" "They'd be useless like that, But with control, you can play actual tunes on it" "This controls the volume, I put my hand in here" "And this controls the pitch, so if I take my hand out here, this increases the volume" "And if I move my hand here, you get the difference in pitch" "You can lick it arm, knee..." "pretty much anything really!" "Small animal..." "but they have to stay very still" "So I've got a little but of Theremin in this piece of music" "I have to hold the first note in my head, So I ask the leader of the orchestra," "Charles, could you give me an F sharp, please?" "There we go." "I'll just hold my hand in that position for the next couple of hours..." "Ok this is it:" "the Jellyfish." "Orchestras used to be in house musicians for radio stations" "And in the 1920s there was a composer called David Rose, who was the in house composer for the 'Mutual Broadcasting Network' in America and it was in the late 20s He was working for this orchestra, and of course, at that time was the time of the stock market crash," "banks were collapsing around the world, Imagine that happening now!" "And because of the cut backs, he was asked to compose a piece of music just for the strings because the money ran out, that's all they could afford" "So we're gonna focus now on the strings, and this piece of music is played in the 'pizzicato' or the "plucked style"." "There's not even any bows, they couldn' afford bows!" "This is called 'Holidays for strings'" "Not actually much of a holiday for them really, to be honest" "Lovely, isn't it?" "Wonderful" "David Rose wrote another very famous piece of music called 'the stripper' and, by the time he got to write that the cut backs were so severe, all he could afford was a xylophone" "Don't encourage him!" "I'd like to take this opportumity to talk to you about a much meline musical form and that is of course 'Cockney music'." "As you all know 'cockney music' has influenced classical music for many centuries... and I'd like to 'shine a light' on that, if I may" "There's certain leitmotifs [theme] which recur in 'cockney music'" "There's of course the 'basic cockney intro'" "And this can be found in Beethoven's 'Moonlight Sonata'" "You've probably heard it loads of times, but you never noticed" "Quite a lot of winking in cockney music..." "Wait for it, wait for it..." "There it is, the 'basic cockney intro'" "You can't here the trombone and not smile, I think" "It just brings a sense of well-being, 'the bringer of joy', I call it" "And this is not a well-known fact, but on planes they always carry a trombone, just in case there's a disaster and they need to keep morale up" "All cabin crew, fully proficient in the trombone" "And of course there's another use:" "if you ditch at sea, it can be used as a snorkel" "Trombones, they're like the jolly uncles of the orchestra, aren't they?" "They're wonderful!" "There's no valves or keys, they can slide..." "there's a kind of lusciousness about them," "A slight air of danger..." "Like a rather lairy uncle at a Christmas party" "And for that reason, the trombone has the greatest affinity with cockney music" "They're kind of the rebels of the brass" "To demonstrate it, I'd like to play, obviously, the finale of Rossini's 'William Tell' overture," "William Tell himself was a bit of a rebel!" "Was he a Swiss nationalist, or a nutter with a crossbow?" "I don't know!" "And Rossini of course was a 'Pearly King' It's not very well-known [charity where people wear pearl buttons all over their clothes]" "So here it is, the 'William Tell' overture, in its original cockney arrangement" "Have a banana!" "I'm a massive fan of 1970s American cop show themes" "Are you?" "They're fantastic!" "They're just so cool!" "It was a fantastic era for soundtracks" "It was when soundtracks changed, they started to adapt, orchestras started to get 'the Groove on'" "They started to count it off "Can I do it?" "... 1, 2, 3, 4!" "..."" "They started to incorporate electric keyboards, drums kits, electric guitars..." "And what I love about them is that they're quite litteral" "You knew exactly who the good guy were and who were the bad guys, just by the chord" "The good guys got a perfect fifth..." "Strong, compassionate..." "the bad guys got an augmented fourth" "You knew exactly where you were Just a semitone," "But sometimes in life, if you make the wrong choices, it's just a semitone out!" "We'll start with a typical scene, Our heroes, cruising around the town" "Perfect fifth" "They've been told about a new spill of burglaries, a marchbook gang" "A slight hint of menace to come" "Straght away, we cut to the villains..." "We know they're villains, because of the augmented fourth" "and the congas, you know..." "They're swarthy, leather clad They bear us ill will" "They turn up outside a warehouse down by the docks, They get out, get the keys and go inside" "Meanwhile, our heroes are still cruising around" ""So tell me about this matchbook gang"" ""Well, they scam, they do a burglary, and they leave a matchbook, tauting the police"" ""Ah, I see" They're taking all this is, driving up the main street," "Passes all the old shops, even pass the agricultural supply shop" "The radio crackle "What's this?"" ""We got a call!"" "They're drinving now in a funky way..." " "They got a 147" - "A 147?" "What's that?"" ""It's a suspicious malfeasance down at the docks"" "They turn up there, the door is broken down" "There's body lying there, some blood, a matchbook" ""What does all this mean?"" "And then we go to a commercial break." "The next day, establishing shot at the police station" "Establishing shot of the main reception" "Establisher of the stairs" "The double stairs around the corridor" "Now we're in the chief's office, and he's angry!" ""How could you've lost them?" "My ass is in a sling, the department is lightning a fire under my ass"" "One of the cops cracks wise [jokes]:" ""Well that will burn the sling away!" "Haha"" "Chief's not happy... "Get out!"" ""Get out and find the matchbook gang!"" "Down at the plastics factory, the heist is on" "The villains, balaclavas [ski masks], leather, they mean business!" "The security guard, he's tied up, he's groggy, he's been knocked out" "He starts to come around, he sees the villains, he's reaching for his gun..." "He tries to grab one of them, there's a bit of a struggle" "They knock him out cold." ""Get the Tupperware into the escape vehicle!" "Quickly!"" "One of the villains starts taking the lids off, and putting the lids on one side, and the boxes on the other side" " "What are you doing, what the hell are you doing?" - "Well, that way we'll be able to get more in... we stack them..."" ""The cops will be here any minute, there's no time for stacking! "" ""I'm juste saying, that'd be neater"" "The security guard rears up, they just knock him out again" ""Quick!" "Get the stuff in the van!" They close the doors... and they're gone, like Keyser Soze" "The cops, appear on the scene looking for clues" "There's a bit of Tupperware, few beakers "What's going on here?"" " "What's that noise?" - "It's the security guard, he starts to come around"" ""Ask him a question!"" "No, he's out cold" "They look at him, they find a matchbook:" ""Meet me here after the robbery":" "Must be a clue!" " "What's the name of the place?" - "It's the Cuban themed gangster hideout!"" ""Cohiba!" [cigar brand]" "They get on the trail!" "We come back to the bar!" "The chase is on!" "To the streets, "How about that alley?"" "They're heading for the old fruit market" "There's a huge handcart of satsumas!" "[mandarin oranges] "Look out!"" "That's going all over!" "They're closing in on the villains, they're shooting!" "Bang, bang!" "One cop is hit in the arm!" "He's bleeding, the car's going over, they shoot the villains' car" "It explodes spectacularly into flames!" "Establishing shot of the hospital" "The cop is leaning up in bed." "The chief comes around with a box of cigars" "Chucks them over, they look at he label..." "Cohiba!" "Thank you!" "American composers do TV themes fantastically well" "And news themes as well!" "This next piece of music is the NBC nightly news theme called 'The Mission'" "It was written by John Williams, who's written scores of blockbusters" "Music for Star Wars, Indiana Jones..." "This music is a news theme, but it sounds like pure Hollywood entertainment" "It sounds like ET on a horse being chased by Darth Vader" "Which is something I'd love to see" "John Williams is credited as really resurecting the whole notion of a Soundtrack for popular entertainment." "He's made them very 'audience-accessible' and he's also resurected the notion of the 'leitmotif' [recurring melody] which Wagner was the main exponent of" "In the news theme, there's the question and answer leitmotif" "You have the fanfare at the beginning" "Which is very declamatory and then you got the question-theme" "And the answer..." "We hear all that and, it's such a sweeping score," "I may be compelled to sing during it at some point, But I might have to hold back" "Anyway, here it, this is 'the Mission'" "Urgent strings: "Here's the news!"" "There's the fanfare" "Which seems to say, "Pay attention, the news is on!"" "What great and tragic events unfold in the world today?" ""We'll tell you in a minute"" "What great sporting victories can you tell us now?" ""It's all there on the webstite!"" "What tales of magical places happening far away?" ""You really should get out more"" "Tell us, tell us the news!" "Of Christrians, Muslims and Jews!" "Always well-balanced views, on the news!" "Mission accomplished" "Our news themes have become very serious, but they didn't use to be" "This next piece of music was actually the news theme for 'ITN' news between 1959 and 1982 and it's so relentlessly jolly, the news must've been much nicer then!" "It must have been a nicer time, all around" "Because you can't imagine listening to this theme, and hearing the headlines of today, it just wouldn't work!" "This is a marvelous piece of music, it's called 'Nonstop'" ""A massive car bomb exploded in Baghdad today"" ""Kyrgyzstan has gone nuclear"" ""Bird flu is affecting all of us, it looks like we'll all be dead in 3 years!"" ""The entire system of money has collapsed." "Governments warned of a return to a shiny bead-based bargaining system"" ""America has began bombing Iran!" "Third World War is imminent!"" ""We're all going to die!"" "I'm a massive fan of science-fiction programs and their themes" "And I'm a lifelong fan of 'Doctor Who' [BBC sci-fi TV show from 1963 to 1989]" "Which is marvelous isn't it?" "It's a wonderful theme... terrifying" "I remember as a child I was terrified by it" "It just strikes fear into your very soul!" "But when you listen to the chords..." "And you slow them down, it actually sounds a bit more like Belgian jazz" "More like a Jacques Brel song" "[French]  C'est lui,  [English] It's him," "[French]  Docteur Qui  [English] Doctor Who" "[French]  il voyage dans le TARDIS  [English] He travels in the TARDIS" "[French]  la boite de telephone fantastique de l'espace  [English] The awesome space phone booth" "[French]  I'interieur est beaucoup plus grand que l'exterieur  [English] The inside is much bigger than the outside" "[French]  Et ca c'est le mystere du Docteur Qui  [English] And that's the mystery of Doctor Who" "[French]  Le chef des Daleks il s'appelle Devros  [English] The commander of the Daleks is called Devros" "[French]  Il veut controler I'univers, et tout le monde  [English] He wants to conquer the entire universe, and everything" "[French]  Mais il ne controle jamais I'univers  [English] But he never controls it" "[French]  Avec les Daleks le docteur est superieur  [English] With the Daleks the doctor wins" "[French]  Il rit  [English] He laughs" "[French]  "Je suis Docteur Qui"  [English] "I'm Doctor Who"" "[French]  Les Daleks ne peuvent pas monter I'escalier, c'est une tragedie pour les Daleks  [English] Daleks can't climb the stairs, It's their weakness" "[French]  "Zut alors !"  [English] "Damn!"" "[French]  Exterminez-vous  [English] Exterminate!" "[French]  Exterminez-vous  [English] Exterminate!" "[French]  Exterminez-vous  [English] Exterminate!" "[French]  Non, tu ne peux pas, parce que je suis Docteur Qui  [English] No, it will fail, because I'm Doctor Who" "That is an example of a fantastic TV theme." "Some of them, not so great..." "[Themefrom'Eastenders':aBritishsoapopera]" "I's not great, is it?" "It sounds like:" ""Everyone is going to die, we're all gonna die, in a variety of different ways"" "There's nothing there, is it?" "I's just:" "It just lands on that "F"" ""Any chance of a little bit of harmonic structure, to liven up the 'Eastenders'? "" ""Nope."" "It sounds like a barrel load of cold porridge being wheeled up a plank and dumped into a skip, isn't it?" "And the thing is, there's great drama in 'Eastenders'" "People leaving, this great romance," "And the music, it's just not up to it." "So I think that when someone leaves ..."IE" they're getting written out to appear in a musical or something" "But even then, there's great drama, and I think it would benefit from the richness and the mystery of orchestral music" ""I got something to tell you"" ""What?"" " "I'm leaving" - "I thought you were just packing for your holidays"" " "No." - "I thought you were going to Magaluf" [holiday resort in Spain]" " "No, I'm leaving" - "Leaving Walford?"" ""Yeah, I'm leaving Walford"" ""But what about the Vick, the laundry, that parc pit in the middle? "" ""There's nothing left for me here"" ""Where would you go?" "Where would you go?"" ""Norwich" [city in Norfolk, east England]" " "Norwich?" - "Yeah, gonna stay with my brother"" " "What about all the things we had together" - "Nah, there's nothing left for me now"" ""The cab's here"" " "You better go" - "Yeah"" ""I love you, will you write?"" ""Yeah I'll probably text you when I get there, if I get a signal"" " "Bye." - "Bye"" "He gets in the cab, the door closes" "And the cab is gone." "Taking one last sweep pass all the places he's ever known" "The minicab office, the chip shop, the market..." "She waves, He doesn't." "He doesn't look back." "His heart is settled, on a new life, A world of possibility" "Perhaps even a part in a touring production of Mamma Mia" "Gone..." "Gone to Norwich" "Thank you, thank you very much" "Let's welcome the Alpine roadies with the tuned Alpine cowbells" "[German]  Danke, Danke schoen  [English] Thanks, Thank you" "These are actual cowbells which are tuned to the chromatic scale" "And played in all Alpine festivals" "Just a bit of a ceremony, we have to go through before" "Respect for the Swiss flag is always minutely observed" "And we're going to attempt to play 'The Swan' from the 'Carnival of the Animals', on the tuned Alpine bells." "I can't do it myself." "For this, I'm gonna need the assistance of the magnificent rhythm section who will accompany me on the bells" "Thank you very much" "They're all laid out in tune here, they're played just by shaking, like this" "This one, the 'G', sounds exactly like a phone" "So don't worry, it's not your phone going off, it's actually the bell" "I think we're ready, Anne, if you'd like to start" "Only joking" "This time" "Thank you!" "The rhythm section!" "Thanks a lot, lovely work!" "It's always been my long held belief that eventually, insects will take over the world" "So, this is what I'd like to call 'Insect Nation'" "At the beginning of the 21st century, It seemed impossible to believe, that the greatest threat to our planet, would not be from the Aliens, but from the insects" "Tiny creatures, who we had ignored for centuries" "And that indifference had festered amongst them, and rankled like an unreplaced gley plug-in" "And the seeds of hatred was sown" ""Get away from the picnic!" We would say, "Get away from the picnic!"" ""Squash it, kill it!" We squashed and killed," "But more came to replace them... tenfold, a hundred, a thousand, a million fold..." "Tiny eyes watched us:" "The ant on the Hummus [food from Egypt/Middle East]" "The Wasp on the Fanta, the praying mantis on the Panini [sandwich from Italy]" "The Aphid on the 'Pret a Manger no-bread sandwich' What's the point of that?" "It's just a salad, surely" "The hatred burnt to the icy chid of revenge, and slowly they drew their plans against us with a harp" "From walls we were watched by the tiny myriad eyes of flies" "Bees disappear from their hives, and marshaled great forces" "They put aside their differences and resolve to unite against their common human foe [enemy]" "They will take back what is rightfully theirs" "They will take us and they'll make us..." "Human slaves, in an insects nation!" "Human slaves, in an insects nation!" "Human slaves, in an insects nation!" "Human slaves, in an insects nation!" "The locust squats upon a leaf, he's just biding his time" "The human world that he surveys, He thinks one day all this will be mine!" "The spiders... are not insects, but in war they'd probably side with the insects" "Traitors, traitors, spiders, traitors!" "They'll betray us, and they'll make us..." "Human slaves, in an insects nation!" "Human slaves, in an insects nation!" "Human slaves, in an insects nation!" "Now, it is the future, our worst fears are realised" "We have ignored the warnings We have given in to our petty indulgences" "We have ignored the doomsayers, and Al Gore [US politician]" "The world is different, a changed world, we are mere human workers in the empire of the ant" "Cold-hearted ants with revenge in their eyes" "Nothing but common workers, while bees, cavort freely" "We collect their honey for them, we collect nectar for Butterflies" "Our world is broken, past, We're nothing but... human slaves... in an insect nation!" "Thank you very much!" "Thank you!" "Thank you Charles" "Thank you to all of you!" "What a fantastic crowd!" "Anne, come" "Thank you very much!" "This has been the remarkable guide, Good night, thank you!" "Subz by:" "Charlie G Thanks for watching!"