"You know the kind of guy who does nothing but bad things and then wonders why his life sucks?" "Well, that was me." "Every time something good happened to me, something bad was always waiting around the corner." "Karma." "That's when I realized I had to change." "So, I made a list of everything bad I've ever done, and, one by one, I'm gonna make up for all my mistakes." "I'm just trying to be a better person." "Ever since I won the lottery, made my list and got us out of the stealing business," "Randy doesn't have an income anymore." "Can I have more money for the claw machine?" "You're the one who told me to go after Kermit." "He's got those skinny legs." "He's not a cheap Muppet to claw." "Hey, dummy." "One of your little butt buddies," "Hank Lange, made it in the newspaper." "Jackass tried to rob a liquor store with a crossbow." ""Jackass Tries to Rob a Liquor Store with a Crossbow."" "Wow, I didn't think you could say "jackass" in the newspaper." "World's changing, Earl." "You'd be surprised what those asswipes in the media are allowed to get away with." "There's a picture of the stupid douchebag on the bottom." "Shot himself in the arm." "Wow, that's got to hurt." "20 years?" "They're sending him to state prison for 20 years." "Long stretch." "But at least he'll be able to spend some quality time with his daddy." "As bad as I felt for Hank, I had my own problem." "Hank was on my list." "Number 18:" ""Told an inappropriate story at Hank Lange's birthday party."" "And so I said, "Well, if you have to tinkle, just do it in the ocean."" "He walked to the edge of the water... dropped his tiny trunks and whizzed into the ocean." "I got a story about Hank." "It was Steve Coco's bachelor party." "And like all bachelor parties, there was some entertainment." "Uh, Earl, maybe this isn't the best time." "No, no, no." "Come on, Hank." "Don't worry." "I won't tell the bad part." "So Hank goes into the bathroom with this stripper." "And, uh, you know, some stuff happens." "Anyway..." "Hank comes out about ten minutes later with his tongue down this stripper's throat, telling her how she's going to be his wife." "And then all of a sudden, somebody said to Hank," ""I think she'd make a better husband 'cause she's a dude!"" "If I want to cross him off my list before they send him to state prison," "I got to do it by Friday." "Can I have another quarter?" "Sorry, Randy, I only got one." "And I want to listen to some Skynyrd while I eat my crab cakes." "Can I have a quarter?" "Now, I know your begging ass did not just ask me for a quarter." "Hey, Darnell, do you have a quarter I can borrow?" "I think so." "Yeah, he's got a quarter." "You know why he's got a quarter?" "'Cause he's got a damn job, that's why he has a quarter." "I don't have a quarter." "Just three nickels and a Super Sour" "Gummy Worm." "Sorry." "When is your lazy ass gonna stop mooching off your brother and get a damn job?" "You're damn near 30 years old." "You need start acting like an adult like the rest of us." "Darnell, don't you go running off with my Gummy Worm." "You know you took it out or my trick or treatin' bucket." "One time me and Hank polished off four bottles of Cherry Mad Dog and swore to each other that if one of us ever got put away for hard time, the other one would break 'em out." "I hope he doesn't remember that, Randy." "Should I get a job?" "What?" "Well, Joy said I should get a job so you don't have to support me anymore." "You know, pay for my food and Muppets and whatnot." "I don't mind supporting you." "Okay." "Although, I mean, uh, it wouldn't hurt to get a job, if you, uh, if you wanted to." "So, should I get a job?" "I don't know." "I mean, we got the lotto money to live on, but that's only gonna get us so far." "I-I don't mind supporting you, but I don't want to run out of money before I can cross everything off my list." "I really think it's my purpose in life, you know?" "Then I'm gonna get a job." "Really?" "Yeah." "I want you to be able to do all the things on your list, and, you know, who knows?" "Maybe it is time for me to find my purpose." "I think that's a really good idea, Randy." "A purpose is a great thing to have." "It gives you a reason to wake up every morning." "So, a purpose is like a box of powdered donut holes?" "Exactly." "You here to break me out?" "You remember that, huh?" "Yeah, but don't worry about it." "I'm cool inside here." "Hey, Randy." "I'm getting a job." "Good for you." "So, what's up?" "You here just for a visit?" "Well, uh, actually I have something" "I need to talk to you about." "You see, I've got this list." "Hello." "Hey, my wife didn't show up." "You want to chat?" "Sure." "What's your name?" "I want to cross you off the list, but I just don't know what to do." "All right, how about this?" "Since you gave me a bad day, give me one good day before I get transferred upstate." "That seems fair." "What do you want me to do?" "Bring my grandma in for a visit." "She can't drive." "And bring a copy of my hometown newspaper so she can read it to me." "That day's copy." "Gibtown Journal." "You can get it from my uncle." "He gets it in the mail." "And bring some donuts." "From Yummy's, fresh ones." "All right, so, uh, Grandma, uh, Gibtown Journal from your uncle, and Yummy's donuts." "Done." "RANDY:" "Have you tried talking to him?" "Maybe if you just explained you're not a gay, he'd find someone else." "No, I tried that." "My wife was gonna put a razor in her mouth and pass it to me when we made out during our conjugal." "Got anything sharp on you?" "Just my toenails, but I won't put 'em in my mouth." "They're dirty." "You know what?" "I think I'm just gonna close my eyes and power through it." "Yeah, I think that's your only choice." "Good luck on your job search." "Thanks." "Since visiting hours at the jail were over at noon," "I'd have to wait until the next day to give Hank his good day." "Here's one." "It's says, "Dancers wanted."" "I love to dance." "That's Club Chubby, Randy." "They're looking for strippers." "I used to work there." "You think I could be a pilot?" "Keep reading." "Hey, Randy, if you're looking for a job, we need a busboy." "The old guy took a bad spill in the men's room." "Thanks, Darnell, but I was gonna try and find a job where I wouldn't slip in pee-pee." "Okay." "Well, good luck with that." "Here's a good one." ""Make your own hours." "No experience necessary."" ""No experience." You got a lot of that." "It's selling, uh, cleaning supplies door-to-door." "Sounds cool." "I'm "not only making money, but making the world a brighter place."" "This could be my purpose, Earl." "I'm gonna call." "How long did you work at Club Chubby?" "About a month." "Did you make good money?" "I'm guessing that's a yes." "EARL:" "The next day, I got up bright and early to give Hank his good day." "Since Hank's grandma lived on the way to the jailhouse, and Hank wanted his donuts fresh," "I figured the smart thing to do was go by his uncle's and get the newspaper first." "So, I just, uh, need your newspaper." "Uh, if-if you don't mind." "I don't mind." "But it's in my mailbox down in the lobby." "Well, should we go get it?" "If you want to carry me down the stairs." "Well, we'll take the elevator." "I don't trust elevators." "They break, fall, and paralyze people." "That's crazy." "Elevators are perfectly safe." "I mean, they're not just gonna..." "Oh, wow." "Barbados." "EARL:" "While I was trying to get today's copy of the Gibtown Journal," "Randy was off at his first day at work." "Rather than starting out going door-to-door with strangers, he decided to get warmed up with people he knew." "What?" ""Hello, ma'am." ""How would you like to end your daily fight with stubborn stains?"" "Half circle, "Remember to maintain eye contact."" "Half circle." "I got to poop." "We're almost halfway down." "I got to poop." "You obviously do a fine job cleaning." "Gesture, look." "But the Bright Time Cleaning System could make your job easier and save you time-- time that you could be using to bake a casserole, or have tea with your lady friends." "So, you think that one bottle can clean that whole window?" ""This one bottle could clean all the windows in your home, slash apartment, slash trailer."" "Well, this I got to see." "Tell Hank I said hello." "Actually, I don't think I'm gonna make it down there to see him today." "Visiting hours are over at noon." "I'll have to get an earlier start tomorrow." "And try to get your business done before we make it halfway down the stairs." "I'll see what I can do, but I'm not exactly running the show." "Ma'am." "Would you like the deluxe, the mini-deluxe or the basic deluxe package?" "Sorry, honey, but we're just a little bit tight on cash right now." "We usually just steal our cleaning supplies from the gas station bathroom down the street." "Oh." "Well, that makes sense." "Thanks, anyway." "Congratulations on the new job." "Dumbass." "8:00 a.m. is early for a guy like me." "But I wanted to make sure I had plenty of time to get everything done." "I was right on schedule." "Didi?" "I didn't know you worked here." "You son of a bitch!" "I told my parents we were getting married!" "While I tried to figure out how the hell I was gonna get those donuts," "Randy was settling into his latest job." "This is Mr. Parker." "You're gonna prep him for surgery." "I've never shaved a man's face before." "I saw Footloose's wife do it in that movie where the cool Sweathog could break mirrors with his brains." "It looked easy." "The shaving the Sweathog's face, not the breaking mirrors with your brains." "I think they did that with trick photography." "You're not shaving his face." "Mr. Parker's having a vasectomy." "I'm out." "Listen, Hank, I've been trying to get someone to buy me donuts for the last two hours." "People think I'm crazy." "Do they have to be from Yummy's?" "Okay." "All right." "No, I hear you." "No, I said, I hear you." "an earlier start tomorrow, that's all." "DARNELL:" "Hey, Earl." "Hey, Crab Man." "Here's a good one, Earl." ""Join the exciting world of science research."" "Science, Earl." "Do you think that could be my purpose?" "I don't know, Randy." "Maybe your purpose is sticking with a job for more than one day." "You think when I find my purpose," "I'll get some sort of sign?" "Like a glowing light." "But not like an alien abduction glowing light, like a Jesus light." "I don't know, Randy." "I doubt it." "Hey, Mr. Clean." "Where you been?" "Promised my neighbor you'd clean her trailer." "Oh, it turns out that's not my purpose." "I'm gonna work in" ""the ever-changing landscape of cosmetic testing."" "Cosmetics?" "( chuckles )" "There ain't enough cosmetics in the world to cover your dumb-looking face." "But seriously, if they send you free testers, you better hook me up." "EARL:" "7:00 a.m. is early for a guy like me, but sometimes you have to do what you have to do." "As it turned out, much like everything else on this little chore, picking up Hank's grandma wasn't easy." "I drove around for an hour before I found a parking spot." "As disappointed as I was with my day," "Randy was more disappointed with his new career in science." "Ready to get started?" "I guess." "You can go home now." "Be sure to call us as soon as you get your sight back." "Thank you, doctor." "Oh, I'm no doctor." "Hey, Darren, this guy just called me "doctor."" "Oh." "I don't think I like the exciting world of science anymore." "It's not fun being blind." "Why's Stevie Wonder always smiling?" "Maybe he can't see that he's smiling." "Am I smiling, Earl?" "No, Randy, you're not smiling." "Hey, Earl, could you hand me the want ads?" "I'm gonna find another job." "Hey, Earl, could you read this for me?" "No, I'm not gonna read to you." "I got to get up at the crack of dawn, Randy." "I got my own problems I'm dealing with." "At least you have your sight." "Randy, one of the reasons you were gonna get a job was so you could be more independent." "But so far I've had to give you money for cleaning supplies, play doctor with you, and after dinner," "I'm literally gonna have to help you use the bathroom." "You don't have to hold anything." "Just get me on the seat." "I'll go like a girl." "Randy, why don't you just take the job as a busboy at the Crab Shack?" "I don't want to be a busboy, Earl." "I want something cool, like you have with your list." "I want a purpose." "Well, maybe not everybody has a purpose." "But at least they contribute and pull their own weight." "If you really want to help, you need to stop trying to do all these crazy jobs and just go be a busboy." "Fine." "I'll be a busboy." "Good." "Who's there?" "Who's there?" "Who's there?" "!" "6:00 a.m. is early for a guy like me, but I was determined that today would be the day that I gave Hank his good day." "EARL:" "All right, let's get going." "Hank is waiting." "Okey-dokey." "Hey, you have to take her drops." "What?" "Her eye drops." "You have to put drops in her eyes every ten minutes or they'll dry out and the lids will stick to the balls." "You don't want to see that." "Her watch has a timer on it to remind you." "Oh, and she hates it, so good luck." "Does that mean it's time for your drops?" "No." "I think that means it's time for your drops." "No, it doesn't." "Come on now, I got to give you your drops or you'll dry up." "I don't like them." "I know." "Just give me your head." "I don't want to." "Give me your head." "No." "You're gonna make me wrestle you, aren't you?" "Yes." "All right." "Let's do this." "No." "Come on!" "No." "I told you." "Just relax." "It'll be easy." "No!" "Come on now." "It's just gonna take a second." "Thanks." "No problem." "Damn it." "Hey, Earl." "Hey, Crab Man." "So, how was your first day?" "Fine, I guess." "I made some money." "And who knows?" "Maybe this is my purpose in life." "I am helping people." "They can't eat if other people's plates are still on their table." "I mean, they can, but it would be crowded and kind of gross." "Hey." "Maybe my purpose in life is to make things less crowded and less gross." "How was prison?" "Didn't get there." "Gonna try again tomorrow." "I got the day off." "Can I hang out with you?" "Sure, but we're gonna have to get up real early." "How early?" "Perky, perky." "Hands off jerky." "Hey, no!" "Don't!" "It's only 6:30 a.m." "Visiting hours don't even start until 8:00." "Why did we have to get up so early?" "Because what took me four days to try and get done without you, only took an hour and a half with you." "I'm sorry." "No, Randy." "It means I need you." "You do?" "Yeah." "I shouldn't have told you to take that job." "If I'm gonna cross off all the stuff on my list," "I'm gonna need you with me, not working as a busboy." "Really?" "Yeah." "Think about it." "You were with me when I did most of the things on this list." "Maybe you're supposed to be there with me when I fix them." "The list is my purpose, but I think you being there to help me is yours." "I sure like that a lot better than picking up wadded-up napkins with gross stuff inside." "Well, then you're hired." "Earl, my light." "This is my purpose." "Randy, that's just the sun coming out from behind the clouds." "And it's doing it just for me." "How cool is that?" "Grab her feet." "I'll pry her eyes open." "Come on, Grandma." "No!" "Come on, you know it's time for the drops." "Get off of me!" "Just, just, just put your head back."