"NARRATOR:" "Britain, Britain, Britain." "The people here are so beautiful." "Everyday I see folk whose faces I'd like to lick clean off." "Foreigners, however, are foul." "They're hairy, dirty-looking, and smell of foreign." "So we British have a duty to help these savages." "Join me now as we take Little Britain abroad." "Higher, baby." "Get higher, baby, and don 't ever come down." "Freebase!" "." "Lou and his friend Andy have been stranded on this desert island for two long weeks." "Hopefully someone will see that and come and rescue us." "It's boiling here." "Sorry we didn't get to Disney World." "This is more like that Tom Hanks film, isn't it?" "." "What's it called?" "." "Turner and Hooch." "No, not Turner and Hooch." "Sleepless in Seattle." "No, no, not Sleepless in Seattle." "Bachelor Party." "No, no, it's the one on a desert island." "Oh, Apollo 13." "No, not Apollo 13." "It's the one about a castaway." "He's a castaway and he's been cast away." "What's it called?" "." "It'll come to me." "I'm hungry." "Oh, yes, of course." "I'm terribly sorry." "I'll just go and hunt for some food for you." "What do you want?" "." "Turkey Twizzlers." "Right." "Birds Eye potato waffle." "Yes." "They're waffly versatile." "I'm not really sure they have that sort of thing on a desert island." "Oh, well." "I'll see what I can find." "And a can of Lilt." "(FESTIVE MUSIC PLAYING)" "Look, it's Mel Smith." "NARRATOR:" "Back in Thailand, just north of Shirtland," "Vicky Pollard's trial has been going on for many months now." "No, but..." "Yeah, but..." "No, but..." "Yeah, but..." "No, but..." "Y eah, but..." "No, but..." "Yeah, but..." "No, but..." "Oh, my God, this other thing happened that I completely forgot to tell you." "Because you know Kaz..." "She got sacked from the bakery counter at Somerfield's in Redland 'cause she kept licking all the sugar off the doughnuts, then putting them back on the shelf." "Anyway, she had such a cob on, she went down the Fleece  Firkin with the Redmond sisters, drank 1 5 bottles of Hooch, and then went back there in the afternoon and shat in a tub of Utterly Butterly." "Sir, you giving me Thai evils?" "." "Does the defence have anything to add before sentence is passed?" "." "Just one last thing, Your Honour." "The defendant's mother has come from England and would like to make a plea on behalf of her daughter." "Oh, very well." "Call Shelley Pollard." "Mrs Pollard, you believe your daughter is innocent, don't you?" "." "No, but..." "Yeah, but..." "No..." "But yeah, because she went and done it, so shut up!" "Anyway, she was well a good child." "And then she fell in with a bad crowd when she was three." "I'm not saying she ain't never not done nothing or nothing." "But she ain't no drug meddler." "And if anyone says she is, they're well gonna get beatings." "'Cause my daughter is, like, well un-guilty." "Look at her, she got the face of a fucking angel!" "Well, thank you very much, Mrs Pollard." "I ain't done yet." "God!" "Stop getting involved." "You don't know nothing or nothing." "Because this whole thing would never even have happened anyway if it weren't for Kelly Bates." "Shut up, slag!" "God, you're such a mixer." "Kelly Bates ain't never even done nothing or nothing." "Oh, my God!" "I so do can't believe you just said that." "Because everyone knows that Kelly Bates is the most roughest girl in Avon." "You can't talk about Kelly Bates like that." "Kelly Bates's been my number one friend for ever and ever." "We even carved our names into each other's arms." "Only, I spelt her name wrong so it looks like Kevin... (CHATTERING SIMULTANEOUSLY)" "(GAVEL BANGS)" "Enough!" "Minger." "Slag-bag." "10 years." "20 years." "Yesterday, Dudley Punt married his Thai bride Ting Tong Macadangdang." "He wanted to make an honest man-woman of her." "Today, they start their honeymoon in Belgium." "TING TONG:" "This don't look very romantic, Mr Dudley." "DUDLEY:" "What are you talking about, Ting Tong?" "." "It's beautiful." "You said we were staying in a hotel." "Oh, it's like a hotel, but smaller." "And on wheels." "Dudley!" "How are you?" "." "I'm all right." "This is my little brother." "We're staying with your brother?" "." "You must be Ping Pong." "Ting Tong." "Ting Tong." "From the Philippines?" "." "Thailand." "Thailand." "They're much cheaper there, aren't they?" "." "Welcome, King Kong." "Is there something you need to tell me?" "." "What?" "." "Oh, them..." "In all seriousness, though, they belong to the new wife." "New wife?" "." "What happened to the old one?" "." "I traded her in for a younger model, didn't I?" "." "She's 1 8." "She's Russian." "She's a virgin." "Lovely." "All the good brides are Russian these days." "Dear, though. 200 quid." "Ivanka!" "Here she is." "Ivanka, my new wife." "Ivanka." "Good at meeting you." "Pleased to meet you, Miss Ivanka." "I see you have car." "Austin Allegro." "Chocolate brown." "(CLEARS THROAT)" "This is my friend..." "Wife." "Wife, Ting Tong." "She's beautiful, ain't she?" "." "No half." "She's done a lot of..." "Modelling." "Modelling." "Really?" "." "Yes." "I have been on cover of Russian Vogue," "Russian Tatler and Russian Take a Break." "Whoop-de-doo!" "Come on." "Come on inside." "Have a drink." "After you, Miss Ivanka." "Thank you." "(FARTS)" "That is a warning." "NARRATOR:" "This clothing boutique is in the skiing resort of Klosters in Switzerland." "Ah, Switzerland!" "Not so helpful in a war, but wonderful fondue." "Hello, darling." "Bonjour, Madame." "Bubbles Devere." "Pleased to meet you." "Can I help you?" "." "Yes, darling." "Can you keep a secret?" "." "Well, yes, of course, Madame." "Good, because my dear, dear friend, the King of England, Sir Prince Charles, is choppering in tomorrow and is hosting a big dinner party for me." "Really?" "." "Yes." "I think he's planning to marry me off to one of the boys." "Well, we'll soon see about that." "And how can I help?" "." "I need you to loan me a dress, darling." "I'm afraid we don't loan dresses here, Madame." "Not normally, no, but I am Bubbles Devere." "Pictures of me in your dress will go around the world." "Did you not see me in last week's Bella?" "." "Sales of flip-flops skyrocketed." "I'm afraid I don't know you, Madame." "Everybody knows Bubbles." "(MIMICKING MOBILE RINGTONE)" "Do excuse me." "Hello." "Oh, my good friend Jilly Cooper." "Hello, Jilly Cooper." "How are you, Jilly Cooper?" "." "Yes, I'm very well, Jilly Cooper." "Well, thank you for calling, Jilly Cooper." "Goodbye, Jilly Cooper." "Jilly Cooper." "So, what do we have here?" "." "Oh, this looks divine." "I don't think we have that one in Madame's size." "What?" "." "You want to put me in this?" "." "I'm not Kate Winslet, darling." "This one is much more my style." "Oh, please be careful with the dress, Madame." "It costs 1 0,000 euros." "Being very careful, darling." "(GRUNTS)" "What do you think?" "." "Too daring?" "." "NARRATOR:" "Meantime, back on this desert island." "Andy, I'm back." "Hello." "I managed to catch this." "Were you all right without me?" "." "I'm fine." "Had a buffet lunch, a massage and a facial." "And then I played a game of tennis." "Yeah, yeah, of course you did." "Oh, dear Lord, he's getting delusional." "Right." "So, you hold the racket like so." "There's a good girl." "And when the ball comes towards you, you hit it." "Like so." "I think she's got it by now, Mr Dudley." "Ivanka." "Yes, husband." "The toilet needs emptying." "Ting Tong can do it." "She's busy with the spuds." "Come on, chop, chop." "Hey!" "(GROWLING)" "Did you ask for a fat one?" "." "No, it's just how she came." "You know, I've got a good mind to pack my bags and go back to Thailand." "Oh, now, don't say that." "Please, no." "You haven't finished the taters yet." "Some honeymoon this is turning out to be." "This human waste is so heavy." "Oh, let me help." "She can do it." "No, I insist, I insist." "Oh, thank you." "I'll come with you as well." "No, you're all right, friend." "What do you reckon, Ting Tong?" "." "You think she really is 1 8?" "." "Ting Tong?" "." "Ting Tong?" "." "I'll show that bitch who can be sexy." "Excuse me, do you have this in a size 8?" "." "I'll just have a look." "Thank you." "Ivanka?" "." "NARRATOR:" "At the Vatican, Anne has been granted an audience with the Pope." "I once enjoyed an audience with the Pope." "Although I did prefer An Audience with Joe Pasquale." "As you know, Anne has always been a deeply spiritual person." "And it's long been her dream to meet His Holiness the Pope." "I think it's going to be a profound moment for us all." "(SPEAKING ITALIAN)" "Wasn't that beautiful?" "." "NARRATOR:" "When I go abroad, I find a house I like, forcibly eject the occupants, and stay there for two weeks." "Other people prefer to stay in hotels," "like this one here in Portugal." "See you by the pool, g org eous." "Paul." "Oh, sorry, I' m not signing any autographs today." "I'm on holiday." "No, no, no, it's me." "Kenny Craig." "I'm a hypnotist, too." "We met last year at Uri Geller's barbecue." "Oh, of course, how's it going?" "." "Really well, quite badly." "I really want to be on TV like you, but I'm kind of stuck out here on the whole Club 1 8-30 circuit at the moment." "Oh, dear, I'm sorry." "Yeah." "Yeah, I'll be honest with you, Paul." "I've lost my way." "You know, I've kind of lost my confidence." "Have you read my book?" "." "Paul McKenna's Boost Your Confidence by Paul McKenna." "No, no, I haven't." "I think you'd find it very useful." "There's a really good exercise in it." "I could do it on you right now if you'd like." "That would be great." "Thank you." "Okay." "Look into my eyes." "The eyes, the eyes." "Not around the eyes." "Look into the eyes." "The eyes." "You're under." "You are a worthless piece of scum." "How dare you even think you can compete with me, the great Paul McKenna?" "." "From this moment on, you will lose all your skills in hypnotism." "Your life will fall apart." "You will become a tramp, a hobo, a beggar-man." "You will go rifling through bins, looking for a half-eaten box of KFC." "That is your destiny." "Three, two, one, you're back in the room." "Wow, that was amazing." "Thank you." "No problem." "Wow." "NARRATOR:" "Meanwhile, Lou has made an important decision." "Now, you know we've been on this island for many weeks now." "I know." "I'm gonna have to go off on this raft to try and get help." "Fine." "It may be our only chance of survival." "I've left some food for you in the hut." "There's a marmoset curry, with a coconut and mango salad." "And some jumbo prawns wrapped in banana leaf." "All you have to do is heat them up." "What's for pudding?" "." "Do you like passion fruit?" "." "(MUMBLES)" "There's a passion fruit compote if you want it." "Will you be okay?" "." "Yeah, I've got a scuba-diving lesson booked for 1 2." "Yeah, well." "Farewell, my friend." "This may be the last time you ever see me." "I have something I need to tell you." "I love you." "You're blocking the sun." "Oh, sorry." "NARRATOR:" "It's a quarter o'clock, and Mr Mann has taken his lifelong search for a pirate memory game to Morocco." "(SPEAKING ARABIC)" "(SPEAKING ARABIC) ... pirate memory games." "(CALLING IN ARABIC)" "(WOMAN ANSWERS IN ARABIC) ...pirate memory games?" "." "(WOMAN ANSWERS)" "(REPEATS)" "(WOMAN SPEAKING)" "(REPEATS)" "Oh." "Oh." "(WOMAN SPEAKING ARABIC) ...hungry hippos." "...pirate memory games?" "." "(CALLING IN ARABIC)" "(WOMAN ANSWERS) ...pirate memory games?" "." "(WOMAN ANSWERS)" "(REPEATS)" "(SHOUTING IN ARABIC)" "Pirate memory games!" "NARRATOR:" "This is America, where the Prime Minister is on an official visit to the White House." "Personally, I find white a bit common." "I'd have gone for cream." "And myself and the prime minister are going to be having talks all afternoon." "Yes, I'm really hoping that we can build on our special relationship." "Thank you, ladies and gentlemen." "No further questions." "Yeah, no further questions, please." "Now, I've asked for us not to be disturbed this afternoon." "That's a good idea." "We've got a lot to get through." "Marvin." "Yes, sir, Mr President, sir." "What's all this about a special relationship?" "." "Between our two nations, obviously, the President and I get on very well." "Yes, a little too well for my liking." "Sebastian." "Well, if it's just sex, then fine," "but if it's something deeper..." "Don't be ridiculous." "Ah, ah, ah." "Marvin, no calls." "Sir, yes, sir, Mr President, sir." "What have they been doing in there?" "." "They've been ages." "What?" "." "I bet your President's all over him." "As if." "I've seen the way he looks at him." "You are such a fruit." "What?" "." "It's creepy." "You're, like, totally obsessed." "Not totally." "I bet you got pictures of the Prime Minister" "all over your bedroom wall." "Not all over!" "He ain't all that." "I mean, Mr President, look at him." "He's a dreamboat." "So you keep a picture of the President in your wallet?" "." "Security purposes." "I bet they're kissing right now." "You should be on Springer." "I've got to get in there." "Let me through, I've gotta see what's going on." "Sir, step aside from the door, sir." "Get out of my way." "You're causing a situation here, sir." "Let me through!" "You'll have to kill me first." "Oh, look, Kofi Annan." "What?" "." "Chinese burn!" "UN resolution does not state that..." "Yes, Sebastian?" "." "Just checking you've got a pen." "Yes, I have." "Right, sorry, Prime Minister." "He gave me Chinese burn." "Thank you, Marvin." "It hurt, sir." "Marvin!" "Sorry." "Yes, sir, Mr President, sir." "You're an animal." "NARRATOR:" "With Marjorie Dawes in America," "Texan Fat Fighters'group leader Blanche Chuckatuck has come over here to meet some fat British pigs." "Okay, now, fat-fighting folk, how ya'll doing today?" "." "ALL: (SOFTLY) Fine, thank you." "Blanche can't hear y'all." "Fine, thank you." "I said, Blanche can't hear y'all." "Very good, thank you." "Okay, we're cooking." "With low-fat oil." "Now, my name is Blanche Chuckatuck." "I come from Rocksprings, Texas, and I want to say it is a great honour for me to take your Fat Fighters' group tonight." "Lovely." "All right, let's start with the weigh-in." "Ma'am, would you like to go first?" "." "Okay." "What's your name, pretty lady?" "." "Pat." "Pat or Patty?" "." "Pat." "Okay, Patty, if you want to get yourself up there on them there scales there." "Okay." "Oh, I've put on three pounds." "It ain't easy, is it?" "." "What you gotta do, Patty, is you gotta quit eating them fattening foods." "That means no more grits, no more molasses, and no more deep-fried plantain, you hear?" "." "Well, okay." "Thanks." "You got a beautiful fat ass, Patty." "Anyone ever told you that?" "." "No." "Ain't she got one sweet ass?" "." "What's your name, kind sir?" "." "Paul." "Paul or Paulie?" "." "Paul." "Okay, Paulie, if you want to get yourself up there on them there scales." "Up there on them there scales there." "Okay, what have we here?" "." "I've lost two pounds." "You know why Paulie here has lost himself them two pounds?" "." "'Cause he's been praying to Jesus." "No, I haven't." "Yes, he has." "He's just shy." "Jesus loves you, Paulie." "Jesus loves you, Patty." "Even though you've been stuffing yourself with that" "Aunt Jemima sweet potato pie." "Jesus loves you, old-timer." "Jesus likes you." "He would prefer if you were one of his flock, but he likes you." "I'm Hindu." "Pardon me, ma'am." "I'm Hindu." "Pardon me, ma'am." "I'm Hindu." "Pardon me, ma'am." "I'm Hindu." "Pardon me, ma'am." "I'm Hindu." "Pardon me, ma'am." "I'm..." "She said she's Hindu." "I don't know what that is." "And I don't think you know, neither." "I got a meeting of my own now." "But before I go," "I want you all to give yourselves a round of applause for a really great meet." "She was all right." "Yeah, she was nice." "Goodbye, now." "NARRATOR:" "Lou has been at sea for eight days." "That is nearly a week." "Hang on in there, Andy." "Just a few more thousand miles." "Everything's gonna be okay." "NARRATOR:" "Now we return to this campsite in Belgium." "Doesn't look camp to me." "Looks quite butch." "This is the life, eh?" "." "Roast chicken, serviettes and a beautiful wife." "Bought and paid for." "If our old ma could see us now." "It's a terrible thing, blindness." "I'm back." "Oh, yeah." "Yes, and I bought a movie we can watch." "Oh, lovely." "What is it?" "." "The Money Pit?" "." "No." "It's called Snow White Does Seven Dwarfs." "You, er..." "You may have heard of it, Ivanka." "Oh, please don't let's watch movies." "Movies is boring." "What?" "." "Oh, no, stick it in." "Stick it in." "It's a Futawa." "It'll need tracking." "DUDLEY:" "What's this?" "." "Being alone in this wood is making me too horny." "(KNOCK ON DOOR)" "I wonder if this is the little men come to gang-bang me." "Ivanka!" "Hello, boys." "MEN:" "Hello, babe!" "You had sex with seven dwarfs?" "." "Two were midgets." "No, that's it." "It's over." "Ten beautiful days of marriage up the Swanny." "Oh, no, please." "It was just sex." "I didn't love any of them." "You see now what type of woman she is?" "." "Yes, yes, I do." "I'm sorry, Ting Tong." "We're leaving, Mr Dudley." "You take me on proper honeymoon." "Yes, of course." "Can I just see what happens in the end?" "." "Well, that was a very instructive meeting." "We'll talk later at dinner." "Thank you, Michael." "Marvin." "So sorry for bursting in like that, Prime Minister." "Yes, Sebastian." "It's just when you said about the special relationship," "I thought it meant something else." "Well, it doesn't." "I know, I'm sorry." "Oh, you've got something on your lapel." "Here, let me." "What's that?" "." "Tastes familiar." "I've definitely had it before." "Oh, it takes me back to Sea Scouts." "I'd better just get changed for dinner." "Okay, Prime Minister." "Prime Minister, you forgot your file." "Thank you, Mr President." "NARRATOR:" "And finally we return home to the glorious Isle of Britain." "Andy, thank God you're safe!" "I was on that raft for weeks!" "How did you get back?" "." "Plane." "It's quicker." "I was so worried about you." "I was on that raft and I lost my paddle, and I thought I was a goner." "And the only thing that kept me going was the thought of you." "Who was going to look after my Andy?" "." "I have to find him." "I have to save him, I..." "We're out of crisps." "Right." "I'll just go and get you some." "Beef." "NARRATOR:" "And so it is time to say goodbye." "Farewell, my friends." "Farewell." "For this really is the end of Little Britain..." "Abroad."