"Happy San Diego Day!" " Yeah!" " Yeah!" "Ha!" "I don't understand this holiday of yours." "What?" "You don't have San Diego Day in Europe?" "All right, well..." "Old Man San Diego and his best friend Petey the Pitbull decided to head out West and found themselves in San Diego, which, back then, was a barren wasteland." "Just a real crap-hole." "Where they survived for six months on one magic catfish!" "That is why we celebrate San Diego Day." "Hey, look!" "A hanging catfish!" "You know what that means?" "That means you owe me a kiss." "Okay." "But wait." "My lips are burning." "My lips are on fire!" "My lips are burning!" "This smoking-hot European chick just poisoned me!" "Noapte buna, Presidente." "Oh..." "Oh..." "Oh, my God!" "Look at all these dead San Diegans!" "My shirt!" "♪ Diego!" "♪" "♪ Diego!" "♪" "And that is the story of Vietnam." "Okay, let's go, kids." "You're late." "Well, I only get them once a year." " I wanted to enjoy it." " Mom?" " Please, can Daddy stay?" " Please?" " Okay, come on in." " All right, guys." "Yeah!" "Don't you dare disappoint them, you son of a bitch." "Gotta go." " No San Diego Day presents?" " Uh..." " You didn't get them a gift, did you?" " I was busy." " I'll make it up to them next year." " No!" "I want you to get them a real present, right now!" " I'll give you fifteen minutes." " I'll make it ten." "Trent, the President has been drugged and his heart has been replaced with..." " a bomb." " Not on my watch." "Well, like I said, it already happened, so..." "Here's the catch:" "If we take the bomb out of his chest, he'll die." "So you've got to get him a new heart." "Oh, great." "I'll just run on down to the local heart store." "I have a gift certificate, I think." "Oh, no, it expired." "Oh, no, it didn't." "Because heart stores don't exist!" "That's not entirely true." "There is a place downtown." "It's not 100% legal, but it's the best we've got." "Perfect." "Alphonse, I need you to do me a solid." "You need to get me a San Diego Day gift for my kids." "A Petey the Pitbull." "Doesn't sound like a solid." "It sounds like an errand, Trent." " I'd say it sounds like a solid." " It's not a solid." "It's an errand!" "Alphonse, it's San Diego Day." "Do him a solid." "His blood pressure's skyrocketing!" "I'd say you have about nine minutes." "I'll do it in eight." "Why wouldn't he take the full nine?" "What's going on over here?" "Nick Cannon's lighting the San Diego Day candle." "It's a madhouse, bro." "Yo, San Diego!" "You ready to get wild and light this candle?" "Yeah, man!" "Yeah we are!" "Only thing that's going to make this crowd disperse is some kind of" "I don't know-- terrorist attack or something, bro." "I've got a human bomb!" "Everybody panic!" "Let me go, bro!" "Don't you worry." "Trent is going to get here in time and it will be a San Diego Day miracle." "Privet!" " What are you doing?" " What are you doing?" "I haven't done this since college." "Black owned, black operated." "Psst!" "The doctor said you'd be coming." "Here you go:" "One brand new, top of the line, teenage heart." " Where'd you get this?" " Uh..." "I had a gift certificate to the heart store." " Yes!" " Damn!" " Hey, mister?" " What, fatty?" "You should have this." "It's a special day." "Peace and goodwill shown to all men from San Diego." "Thanks, my little fat angel." "You know, you're a real hero." "And if you should die because of some disease related to your childhood obesity, like diabetes or a heart attack, well..." "That'll be a sad day, little man." "But I already have diabetes!" "Made it!" "No!" "Bad!" "Bad dog!" "Damn it!" " Thank you." " No problem." "I had an extra gift certificate." "I'm sorry, Mr. President, it seems Agent Hauser couldn't make it in eight minutes." "That's right." "I made it in seven." "Trent, I'd thank you, but I don't have time." " You could thank me right now." " Wish I could, but I'm running down to the parade." "Playing Old Man San Diego." " The city needs me." " You're welcome." "I didn't thank you!" "I really hope he makes it down to the parade in time to play Old Man San Diego." "I wouldn't want his heart bomb to go off before then." "What?" "The President never had his heart removed." "We had you go to the black market to bring us a heart bomb so you would be blamed for killing the President of the Navy and all of the people at the San Diego Day parade." "It was a fiendishly elaborate plan, and you walked right into it." "How did you know the first heart would be eaten by a pitbull?" "Two steps ahead, Agent Hauser." "Mother Europe is always two steps ahead." "I've been shot!" "What are you talking about?" "You haven't been shot." " Two steps ahead." " Happy San Diego Day." "And you..." "What, do you think you can just love me and leave me?" " No!" "There's not enough time." " Trent, I have a clear shot." "It's too late." "She's gone." "Let her go." "She's right there." "She's waiting for the elevator." "She's a ghost." "We'll never find her." "Now we just have to get downstairs and save the President and all the people of San Diego." "His heart will explode in two minutes!" "You'll never find another one!" "Oh, really?" "Looks like I found one, and I heart-ly had to try." "Ugh..." "Hey, what is this?" "Oh, my gosh, there's a real person in there!" " Ha ha!" " There's a person in..." "What?" " There's a bomb in your chest." " What?" "What are you talking about?" "The doctor." "He was working for Mother Europe." " He put a bomb in your chest." " Give up, dude!" "There's nothing you can do about it, bro." "Oh, no, no, no!" "Come on!" "Really?" "I don't want to die, do you understand?" "I always wanted to buy that pair of jeans!" "Now I'm never going to get to buy those jeans!" "All right, all right, just do it." "Take it out of me and save these people's lives." "Just do it, Trent!" "Just do it!" "God Trent, what the heck?" "Just knock me out, man!" "Knock me out, for crying out loud!" "Still..." "Ugh..." "Still awake..." "Ugh..." " Ugh!" "Ugh!" " Put it in!" "Put it in!" " The doctor's heart... was a bomb!" " Of course it is." " You!" " That's right." "We're always three steps ahead." " I thought it was two." " Why would I say two steps?" "That makes no sense." "That's barely a step." "We're always three steps ahead." " It's what I heard." " Regardless." "Hey!" "There's still a damn bomb in my chest!" "Where are we gonna find a new heart?" "I think I just found a new donor." "Oh, my God!" "You've got to get me to a hospital." "I'm dying!" "Ah, what is taking it so long?" "Is it broken?"