"Now you're looking like a real pro-surfer, there, Shania." "Catching waves and keeping your glasses on." "It was awesome." "I'm gonna go cross "wipe out on a surfboard"" "off my California dreams bucket list." "Thanks for doing this, guys." "Especially you, Bryan." "I know that dog with the bandana frightened you." "His owner was wearing cut-off jeans as a bathing suit." "But it was nice to see Shania happy." "Yeah, it's been tough lately." "She's been scared we'll have to move back to Ohio if I lose this custody thing." "Oh." "Although, technically, I did kidnap her, cross state lines and get knocked up by a couple of gay guys." "Oh God, I'm so gonna lose." "No, you are not." "David and I are talking to some really great family law attorneys." "You know what, stay, and we'll make dinner and we'll talk strategy." "No, Bry, we can't." "Remember, my mom's coming to town tonight?" "Oh, that's right." "I was pretending I forgot about that." "Now, you've ruined it." "You don't get along with your mother-in-law?" "I don't get along with mine either." "Besides the shallow clavicles, that's the first thing we have in common." "I thought not getting along with a mother-in-law was just a straight thing, you know, like going fly-fishing or playing frisbee." "Turns out, it's a universal nightmare." "Bop, bop, bop." "Oh, Clay, what are you doing?" "Get dressed, your mom's coming over tonight." "I've got to clean and then..." "Wow, you already did it." "Thank you." "Oh, hey, Goldie." "Clay's never been real good with his aim." "Well, horror stories aside, Bryan is exaggerating." "My mother is amazing." "You should come with us tonight, you'll see." "I'd love to meet your mom." "That's great." "We were gonna tell her about the baby anyway, so it's perfect you'll be there." "I'm so excited." "I'm excited, too." "I'm gonna go upstairs and change and eat a pill the size of a cake." "Another chardonnay for you, Jane?" "Nope, two drink rule." "A lady never stumbles home, even if home is just a crappy elevator ride away." "Bet you can't wait to get out of here and go back to Ohio." "Ugh, God, Billie, you have no idea." "That custody hearing cannot come soon enough." "My granddaughter may be hypnotized by those gay pied pipers, but I know what is best for her, for her daughter, for all of us, is to move home." "Then maybe I should buy you a drink while I still have the chance." "I don't really need your charity." "I just liquidated my 401k." "What I don't piss away on hotel bills," "I plan to invest in dolphin traps or coal." "Altruistic." "I like that." "Very sexy." "I'm sorry, w-w-what's your agenda here?" "Oh, just to buy a beautiful woman a drink." "Supposed to give this big sales presentation tomorrow morning and I'm being bad." "I thought maybe we could be bad together?" "That depends on, uh, w-what you're selling." "Oh, I sell vitamins." "Oh, I thought you were going to say, uh, "charm."" "I was going for, uh, flirty?" "Yeah, I know." "It's been awhile since I've done this." "Oh, well, you're doing great." "Just takes a little practice." "Okay." "One drink." "Watch your mouth and mind your paws." "Okay." "My boy, my beautiful boy." "Look at you, so gorgeous." "I can't believe you came out of me." "Oh, mom, so glad you're here." "Bryan, good to see you." "And that jacket." "My goodness, they can see you from outer space." "Hi, Frances." "There you are." "Sorry, I had to pee." "They have really nice bathrooms here." "And who is this adorable blonde, with the button nose and the big goyish eyes?" "They're actually more greenish." "Frances, this is Goldie." "She's a new and very special friend of ours." "Mom, this is actually why we wanted you to come and visit." "To tell you in person." "Goldie isn't just a friend." "She's also our surrogate." "I don't understand." "Bryan and I are having a baby." "Oh, my God." "Oh, David, David, David." "I have dreamed of this day for so long." "And you." "Welcome to the family." "Uh, you're gonna have to start calling me "mom."" "Actually, m-mom, uh, this all happened because of Bryan." "Ah, Goldie," "I can see it now, in your cheeks." "You're just glowing." "So, whose sperm did you use?" "Oh, come on, mom, that doesn't matter." "What, we're all adults." "I watch bravo." "Whose sperm?" "It's David's sperm." "It's not important." "The sperm came from the blessed one himself." "Bryan felt, and this is so sweet of him, that because he comes from a big family and I'm an only child..." "So, it's yours." "Ah, thank God." "My real grandchild." "Barbara Rozanski is going to plotz." "Her daughter's uterus looks like a bramble patch." "But you, you have made me the happiest grandmommy on all of the earth." "I'm going to be needing dessert for dinner, thank you." "Well, so, what about you?" "What brings you to LA?" "Oh, same as the rest." "Just a dumb whore looking to get on a reality show." "Aw." "Let me get you another drink." "No way." "I'm already past my good judgment limit." "Aw, perfect, can't wait to find out what that looks like." "Nah, no, hey." "The way that I was raised, a man always gets the tab." "So, if you're gonna buy the drinks," "I've gotta figure out a way to pay you back." "Oh, my God." "Stop that." "Your mother should've spanked you more." "Ooh, yeah, I'm open to that." "Good news." "Mom loves the new comforter in the guesthouse." "Wonderful." "Fyi, I will not be speaking to your mother for the rest of her visit." "Here we go." "She's excited about your baby." "It's our baby, David." "Do you have any clue how much that hurt my feelings?" "I am confident you will tell me." "I'm so sick of your mother spitting in my face and you trying to convince me it's just a little rain." "Come on, Bry, it was a reflex emotional response to learning she's going to be a grandma." "There." "That right there." "You are explaining away her behavior again." "Siri, text rocky to come stab me in the ears." "She's my mom, Bryan." "Yeah, well, I'm your baby's mom." "Kind of." "It's just you're so blind to how awful she treats me." "It's like her only mission in life is to try to outdo me." "Christmas dinner is served." "Oh." "You're welcome." "And I made David's favorite dessert, crêpe suzette." "Right?" "Huh?" "Bon appétit." "My mom is a four-star chef, and I didn't want to hurt her feelings." "Plus, there was fire, and fire is cool." "Look, you guys have got to stop putting me in the middle." "I'm not putting you in the middle." "It's just the umbilical cord connecting you two only reaches so far." "Enough, Bryan." "The pissing contest has been called on account of the baby." "My mother will be a presence in our child's life." "Now, you guys have got to sit down like adults and work it out." "Fine." "But if there were an actual pissing contest, I would win." "We get it, Jennifer garner." "You take your kids to the park." "Mrs. forrest, what are you doing here?" "I need to see a doctor." "My crappy hotel TV doesn't get Dr. oz and my hmo only recommends doctors in Ohio." "Okay, what kind of doctor do you need?" "I'm rooting for a psychiatrist." "I need, a, um, uh..." "A doctor that, um..." "I need a doctor who does what you do, but not you." "You'd feel more comfortable with a female gynecologist." "Wrong, no woman is touching my vagina, not even me." "Well, uh, Dr. venkatashar is very..." "No snake charmers, please, please." "Why don't you just tell me what's going on?" "I promise everything you say in this room will remain absolutely confidential." "It's okay." "Okay." "Last night I felt this very strange tingling sensation." "Uh-huh." "And then I became very light-headed." "Mmm." "I believe that what I had was a petite mal seizure." "I learned this on Dr. oz." "Did you do anything unusual last night?" "Unusual?" "Um, uh, no." "It was just a typical night at my hotel." "I watched TV..." "And then I went right to sleep." "Mrs. forrest, by any chance, did you have sex last night?" "Please!" "Okay." "I did." "I had relations with a man." "See, now, that wasn't that hard to say, now was it?" "Not for you." "You've probably been saying it since you were 14 years old." "Now, what happened to me?" "What was it?" "Well, I believe you had what we in the medical profession refer to as an orgasm." "Hey." "That was great." "That was great." "Woo, well done." "Oh, wow, my ears." "What do you think, baby, fun, huh?" "This is the most awesome quinceañera" "I could ever imagine." "Now I can cross that off my California bucket list, too." "What is that word you keep saying?" "I don't speak Mexican." "It's a quinceañera, Nana." "It's a rite of passage for every 15-year-old Latin girl." "You should try to get into the spirit." "Lovely." "Ooh, after you, señorita." "Get in there, mama." "You gonna talk to my mom?" "Sure." "In her last, dying days, I may offer up a, "feel better,"" "or, "great view of the river, huh?"" "But until then, she has no interest in anything I have to say." "About yesterday." "You shouldn't be embarrassed." "I mean, I assuming that you and your husband didn't exactly have a tremendous sexual connection, seeing as he turned out to be gay." "I am not having this conversation with you." "Jane, you are a fit, attractive, horribly offensive woman whose sexuality is alive and kicking." "You need to embrace it." "I mean, most people over 50 don't have a sex life to speak of." "After week, after the mentalist, we make love for six minutes, on the button." "It's quite intense." "The sex used to be pleasant, then my life change came." "Got dried up like goldfish food down there." "In my country, older women are prized as sexual goddesses, but here in the U.S., only skinny young supermodels are valued." "I blame Tyra banks." "Thanks for the tip, but I am not talking about my personal life with a boy who is attracted to his own genitals." "Fine." "But you should talk to someone." "Maybe someone who..." "Understands what you're going through." "Don't you just love Latino food?" "It's so passionate and sensual." "Like Latino men." "Is that for real?" "Is what for real?" "You... the whole "I'm 60 and I'm still a sexual animal" bit, because it smells like bullcrap to me." "David's father was a swashbuckler in the bedroom." "Had a huge sword and knew exactly where to stab." "When I finally knew I needed to leave Marty," "I was afraid I'd never be satisfied like that again." "Turns out I have more multi-plateaued orgasms now than I ever did." "And how about you?" "With a tight tushy like yours," "I imagine you have no trouble attracting the beef." "Well, I did meet a man the other night." "And things got intimate." "But that's all I'm going to say." "He did really get me thinking, though." "How can I be so dead-on about politics and race relations and so damn stupid about my own personal life?" "So much time wasted;" "So much time I'll never get back." "De-licious." "Truly, just divine." "Was that gerbil?" "I like to please my husband." "You know what I was thinking?" "I was thinking that maybe you and I could take our dessert into the bedroom." "Honey... the crumbs." "Oh, but it's pudding." "Oh, my gosh, uh..." "I am such a ninny." "I left the lights on at the pet store." "If I don't go, the parrots won't sleep, and will give me real heck tomorrow." "Don't wait up." "So your husband cheated on you." "Mine, too." "Suddenly, I was 52, and society was telling me" "I was no longer a sexual being." "Screw them." "I learned my erotic essence didn't die just because my marriage did." "That thing between your legs only turns into an elbow if you let it." "You can do this." "Oops." "Couldn't sleep." "All that spicy food has my stomach doing the cha-cha-cha." "Ooh, I guess we both have tender tummies." "There's no one else here, Frances." "You can leave the bubbly effervescence to the seltzer." "Fine." "You and I need to talk." "We are talking." "Words coming out of my mouth, and your eyes are squinting with crippling judgment." "It's the same conversation we always have." "Stop that." "We owe it to David, and more importantly, to this baby, to work out our differences, so let's just cut the sarcasm and have an honest conversation about our feelings." "Great." "Truth?" "You over-share and you suck the air out of every room you walk into." "News flash, Bryan:" "You are a self-absorbed, insecure smug little princess." "Well, joke's on you, 'cause that's exactly what I was going for." "I should've known you weren't mature enough to have a real communication." "Oh!" "Oh, I'm not mature?" "Whenever you're here, you go out of your way to pretend that I'm not even in the room;" "That David is the only one who exists." "Look, I get that you love him;" "He's your son." "But I think when you left your husband, you were so desperate for the love of a man that you latched onto the only one you knew would never leave you and you turned your little boy into your little boyfriend." "I guess, if we're playing amateur psychologist... how come I've never met your mother, Bryan?" "I know you haven't talked to her since your dad died." "You never call her, you don't visit." "Does she even know you're having a baby?" "Wow." "I guess you need to work out your own mommy issues, and stop taking your crap out on me." "So what do you want to do?" "Do you want to go to dinner, maybe see a movie?" "I feel so good, I could listen to live jazz." "Yeah, Jane, no offense, but I don't want to date you," "I just want to bang you." "Bang me?" "!" "Yeah." "Is that what this was?" "Oh, boy." "This is what drives me nuts about older women." "You think that you can go out and get laid, and not get emotionally attached, but you can't." "You just have to turn it into a relationship." "Oh, don't flatter yourself, bud." "If I was looking for a relationship," "I imagine I'd aim a little bit higher than a vitamin salesman." "Yeah, well, I'd like to imagine that this was 1980, and you were still super-hot, then I wouldn't have to close my eyes and pretend I'm banging a 22-year-old version of you." "Is that what you were thinking?" "No, I was really thinking, "wow, I'm such a lucky guy to be screwing a woman who was alive before computers!"" "I wouldn't have given you the time of day when I was 22." "Exactly." "But look at what you gave me now." "You know you're fat, right?" "Here we are, wild pacific salmon with wasabi crème fraiche." "Oh, my gosh, it looks amazing." "The center belly section is the most flavorful." "I want my son to have it." "Of course you do." "Mom..." "Enjoy it, son." "Wow, Frances." "The only thing I'd do different is bread it, fry it and add tartar sauce, but other than that, it looks really good." "Well, Shania said she wanted authentic California cuisine, and lucky for her, we have a four-star chef in the house." "And that's the last thing on my bucket list." "I guess I can go back to Ohio." "Oh, thank you." "Yeah." "You okay?" "What's the matter, honey?" "You okay?" "I ate a glob of green pudding." "Fire, fire in my mouth!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "Oh, my God, the wasabi." "The wasabi!" "Oh, my God, here, have some water." "Take some water." "I'm gonna barf." "Okay." "Okay, uh, please use the housekeeper's toilet." "Got it!" "Or any of the ones with the vintage Malibu tile." "Well, I hope she's good." "Laverne?" "Shirley?" "Doesn't she knock?" "Where are the people I like?" "Shania ate a glob of wasabi, and now she's throwing up." "And Goldie is mopping her tiny face with frette hand towels like they're very, very expensive kleenex." "I feel terrible." "Oh, no, don't." "Shania is just fine." "You know, she said it was as delicious coming back up as it was going down." "That kid is amazing." "She's fearless." " I know." " Fearless?" "!" "Let me tell you something..." "fear is good!" "And you should feel terrible with your crappy fish and your idiotic ideas about life." "They hurt people's feelings." "And their stomachs." "Nana, Shania is living her life." "She's nine years old and made a list of all the things she wanted to do and guess what?" "She did them." "Can you say the same thing?" "I can't." "People aren't always supposed to do everything they think they should do." "It's what separates us from the animals." "And the native Hawaiians." "Well... all I know is Shania will never forget today." "So, thank you." "I don't regret the things I've done." "Only the things I wanted to do, and never did." "Hey, there she is." "I feel much better now." "Sorry about your rug." "And your dog." "Ooh." "Well, you know, if you break open a capsule of vitamin e, and you dab just a little bit of the gel down there, you'll be amazed how intense the sensation will be." "Paul, what are you doing here?" "I thought it was your daughter's birthday." "Uh... daughter?" "She's only one." "She probably won't remember." "No, no, no, no, don't..." "Oh, thanks a lot." "No, thank you." "A lot." "For teaching me that it's never too late to start my life." "You ready, babe?" "Yeah." "No regrets." "Well, you can breathe again." "Mom is on her way back to napa." "Look, I'm not saying we're gonna be best friends anytime soon but..." "She did make me feel very good at dinner tonight." "And if I'm being honest, she might be a slightly better cook than I am." "But if we ever have that pissing contest, it is on." "I'm going to bed." "You coming?" "I'll be right up." "There's something I have to do." "Okay." "Hello?" "Hey, mom, it's me." "Come on, Shania!" "Really hit it, Shania." "Oh, come on!" "Oh!" "Yeah!" "Wowie, we-wah!" "That looks fun." "Whoo!" "Arriba!" "That's good, baby." "That's cheating!" "Whoa!" "Oh, my gosh!" "Bryan, stop it!" "Whoa!" "Calm down." "Wow!" "Bryan, you're so strong!" "Candy!" "Oh, goody!" "Okay, candy!" "Yay!" "Be careful!" "That's enough, honey."