"(TAKE BACK THE WORLD PLAYING)" "Light as a feather Stiff as a board" "I'm-a elevate myself on my own accord" "Aln't nobody's business Who's life is this?" "You question my existence I'm-a read you the list" "I'll keep you on your toes That's just how it goes" "You can deal with the lows Just keep dodging the blows" "So I'm-a do me Who else do I be?" "'Cause I create my own destiny" "I'm-a take back the world Yo, you got this, girl" "I'm steppin' up my game I'll keep repeating the same" "Be on my hustle every minute of the day" "It was mine for the taking anyways" "I'm-a take back the world" "(BREATHES DEEPLY)" "How come you always look so great in the morn ng?" "Do I?" "Aw." "Got to go, babe." "Oh I made tempeh sausage." "Hey, so, I was th nking that maybe you'd want to be my date to my sister's wedding." "There's a vegetar an alternative." "I already checked." "Are your parents going to be there?" "At my s ster's wedding?" "I think so." "I don't know." "It just feels a ittle serious." "Oh." "I m sorry, it just..." "It felt kind of serious last n ght when you were doing me from behind, but I cou dn't see your face, so..." "You know f you ever want to just hook up, you can ca I me" "Oh, thank you, Rick That's very generous of you." "Yeah." "See you around." "Keep it green." "I roll with the punches Take 'em as they come" "There's some disappointment But what's the point" "WOMAN:" "Colin hurry up." "Take a break for a sec Prepare for what's coming next" "I'm-a take back the world" "DAISY: (SIGHS) Ally, I could have told you it wasn't going to work out with Rick two months ago." "Why?" "You love meat, you hate cyclists." "I do love meat." "And to be honest," "I was always a little worr ed about the way he kept wanting to do it doggy sty e." "Some people like that, you know" "No, nobody likes t." "Even the dogs are just wa ting for it to be over." "How many re at onships do I have to have before I meet the right guy?" "Ev dently a lot." "Hi." "H I m the bride." "I m Daisy." "If you could just..." "I'm-a take back the world Yo, you got this, girl" "I'm steppin' up my game I'll keep repeating the same" "Be on my hustle every minute of the day" "Never let it get away" "I'm staying motivated Keep it uncomplicated" "Nothlng in between me and my dream" "Be on my hustle every minute of the day" "It was mine for the taking anyways" "I'm-a take back the world" "H." "Hi, guys." "Hi." "Hi." "R ght now." "Thinking or sme ling?" "Ooh, no doubt smelling." "Oh, he's obviously thinking." "Whatever she's saying is thought-provok ng." "That would be true if she's talk ng about what his f nger smells I ke." "Ally." "H." "Jet Li s not related to Bruce Lee." "Lee is a very common Ch nese ast name." "They both know kung fu, but that's the..." "Keep your coat on." "Okay, ho d..." "I got to cal you back." "Sweetheart, we have to let you go." "I'm sorry, but we had to make some painful cuts" "(SNIFFING)" "Who else is getting fired?" "Well, for now, just you." "Oy!" "(CELL PHONE CACKLING)" "(WHISPERING) Hi, Mom, can I cal you right back?" "I'm in a meet ng." "Okay" "Mmm." "(SCOFFS)" "Not necessary." "No." "Oh." "10.5?" "Ho y shit!" "I m sorry." "It just says here the average number of lovers women have n their lifetime is 10.5." "Yeah, that seems very high." "High?" "No, that's low!" "10.5 is low!" "Whatever you say." "(SIGHS)" "(SHOWER RUNNING)" "Valerio!" "Oh!" "Finally!" "Hi, Mom." "Ow." "Oh, sorry." "Sorry the train was late." "You look great" "I m growing out my bangs." "Mmm." "Oh, where is R ck?" "R ck s on a business tr p, for his business." "Oh, nuts I was looking forward to final y meeting him." "At least th s one doesn't make balloon animals." "Why aren t you wearing the dress I bought you?" "This is the dress you bought me." "What?" "It looked very d fferent on the mannequ n." "Is Da sy upstairs?" "Yes, she is." "She is a wreck!" "Okay." "I m gonna go check on her." "Please do." "Oh, your cous n Beau s here." "Step-cous n." "He's a step-cousin." "We're not even really re ated." "Beau." "H." "Oh, thank God you re here." "Mom has been such a bitch ever since Eddie's parents got here." "She just cannot bel eve that her marr age ended before theirs did." "Well, Dad shou d be here soon, so she'll have someone else to focus her hatred on" "Um, Dad's not coming." "She wou dn't let me invite him here." "Are you inviting him to the wedding?" "(SIGHS) I don t know." "Oh." "Hey, what was Creepy Puppet Guy's actual name?" "You mean the guy who lived next door who was obsessed with me?" "Gerry Perry." "Gerry Perry!" "Thank you." "What are you wr ting?" "Nothing, just some notes for my toast." "Is it gonna rhyme?" "That depends." "What rhymes w th 'orgy?" "You just keep it under three minutes." "Ready?" "You ook amazing." "Thank you." "You go ahead I II be down in a coup e of minutes." "Okay." "Eight, nine 10, 11, 12, 13, 1415," "16, 17, 1819." "Holy sh t. 19?" "(GLASS CLINKING)" "May I have your attention, please?" "Oh, yoo-hoo!" "(LAUGHS)" "Can I have your attention, please?" "I want to thank you al each and every one..." "Huh." "Cute." "(CHUCKLES)" "Beau." "Careful." "He can be a little rough on the nipples." "...to ce ebrate my dream come true, the engagement of Daisy and Eddie." "(GASPS) Ooh." "As most of you know, we are a family that ikes to toast one another." "So, to start the bal ro ling, Da sy's big sister..." "Ally?" "Ally." "(GIGGLING)" "ALLY:" "Hello." "Hello." "(LAUGHS)" "(SIGHS)" "When Daisy first told me that she was dating Edd e," "I couldn t be ieve t." "GUESTS:" "Aw!" "I said, "Edd e Vogel?" ""The schmuck you went out with in h gh school?" ""He was the biggest douche-bag of them a I."" "(CHUCKLES)" "Even worse than Baby Hands." "You guys remember him?" "Baby Hands." "You know how Eddie broke up w th her?" "He started dating her best friend, who's here tonight, by the way." "Sheila, stand up." "(SIGHS)" "But..." "But when Eddie saw Daisy at their high schoo reunion, he knew what a big mistake he had made." "No offense, Shei a." "And now, Edd e s amazing." "You wouldn't even know he s the same guy." "Except he looks exactly the same." "(LAUGHING)" "God!" "I wish I went to my h gh schoo reunion, but I was growing out my bangs." "I'm a ways growing out my bangs." "Don't get bangs." "Well, to Daisy and Eddie!" "(GUESTS GASP)" "It's okay It's okay." "(GUESTS CHATTING)" "SHEILA:" "Okay, to Da sy and Eddie and the end of your life." "To Daisy and Edd e." "ALL:" "To Daisy and Edd e." "To me." "Okay, it's party game time!" "Oh, a game?" "Really?" "Absolutely!" "But wh ch one?" "God what to p ay?" "What to p ay?" "Ooh!" "Let s write down the number of people we slept with." "Great idea, Katie What?" "Okay, we just need paper and more dr nks." "Be r ght back" "Of all the gin jo nts in all the towns" "Of all the clichés in all the wor d." "Wow." "I didn t know you were gonna take gett ng fired so hard." "I don t have to laugh at your jokes anymore because you're not my boss." "Let me buy you these drinks." "I feel rea ly bad about today." "Real y?" "Thanks." "I can't afford them anyway." "Can I be honest with you?" "You never seemed to like marketing anyhow." "I liked it." "Yeah, but you didn't ove it." "I guess I did you a favor." "Now you can go get a job that you love with a boss who you, uh, I ke." "I ike you." "Rea ly?" "How much?" "(LAUGHS)" "She bought the whole bott e, d dn't she?" "ALLY Okay, so just write down the number of guys you've slept with and put it n this g ass, and then we'I p ck out the number and guess who it belongs to." "Daisy, you go first." "Yeah." "Four." "Oh!" "That s me." "Yay!" "No no no, that's not how you're supposed to play the game." "We're supposed to guess." "Who wasn't gonna guess Kat e?" "She married Matt when she was like, 12." "I m surpr sed you ve had that many." "Well..." "ALLY:" "Katie, your turn, let's go." "Eight." "Eight..." "Daisy." "Yes, and I am twice the woman you are." "S x." "Jamie?" "Yep, that s me." "Wait a second, you re a seven." "I never had sex with Lars." "Yes, you d d." "No." "He on y stuck it in just a ittle, so it doesn't count." "How much was t n?" "This much." "What s that?" "That tells me nothing." "I've no dea how big Lars penis is." "I do." "Counts." "Okay." "How much needs to go n to be considered sex?" "Anything more than the tip." "F ne, I'm a seven." "I mean, eight." "Shit!" "Nine!" "Atta gir" "Okay, Jam e, you go." "Hmm." "Thirteen." "KATIE: (GASPS) Th rteen?" "Who here s a 13?" "Me." "Whore!" "Trashy g rl." "S ut." "KATIE:" "Sheila!" "JAMIE Slut!" "Slutty whore!" "What s the big deal?" "That is 13 different penises in one vagina." "SHEILA:" "It's not like they were a I n there at the same t me." "You know what?" "I'm done with this." "A ly, you go" "(CHUCKLES) Okay." "Go go, go go" "(COUGHS)" "Oh!" "Wow, look at that, nine." "I drew myself." "Game over." "Wait." "A one Is this yours?" "Uh..." "Oh, my God." "You re at 91." "No!" "I'm at nine!" "You re at 19." "KATIE (GASPS) Nineteen!" "(ALL EXCLAIMING)" "Hello, friend." "F ne, I adm t t." "I'm at 19, a most twice the nat onal average." "It's bad!" "And look at this, there's even a whole article in Marie Claire about it" "I thought that playing this game wou d make me feel better about my number, but now I th nk the homeless lady on the train was right." "It's high!" "Apparently in America, 96% of women who have been with 20 or more lovers can t find a husband." "It actually says 20?" "Mmm-hmm." "Who cares?" "Who d d that study anyway?" "The scient sts over there at Marie Claire magazine?" "Hey that magazine taught me how to orgasm." "Actua ly, that study was conducted by Dr. Helen Fig, a postdoctoral fe low at Harvard Un versity." "Shit!" "I see it in my practice a I the time." "When you're too sexually avai ab e, t messes with your se f-esteem." "Next thing you know, you re 45 with no self-respect no husband, and no muscle tone in your pelv c floor." "Okay." "Well, that is not gonna happen to me." "Harvard says that 20 is the imit" "I'm at 19, so that gives me one more chance." "(CLEARS THROAT)" "Okay." "I'm gonna make a proclamation." "(PATRONS EXCLAIMING)" "Shut up!" "I'm proclamating." "Okay." "I am not gonna sleep with one more guy until I am sure he's the one" "I may not have control over much, but I do have control over my pelvic floor." "The next guy who vacat ons at casa esperanza is going to be my husband." "A I right Yeah." "To taking control of my own destiny." "ALL:" "To tak ng contro!" "To better decision-making and goal-fol owing-through." "To better decision-making and goals!" "To 20!" "ALL:" "To 20!" "(ALL CHEERING)" "(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)" "Oh, sh t." "(WHIMPERING) Oh no." "Oh, my God." "(GROANS)" "H." "I slept with my ex-boss." "Carol?" "No!" "The job I just got fired from." "You got fired?" "This is your fau t." "When I tr ed to get you to leave the bar last night, you spit on me" "But congratulations." "You said 20 is your husband." "Now you re at 20." "Shut up." "I have to admit that I just did not th nk it was gonna happen this quickly, but I'm so excited." "Hey, Edd e, A ly's gonna get married." "Great." "He s thr lied." "I know you're just be ng a bitch, but maybe he s my husband." "Maybe it's fate." "Now we ve got a great story to tell our grandk ds." "I don't know why I never cons dered him before." "(SNIFFING)" "He s not my husband." "(TAP RUNNING)" "Morning Morning." "Hey, you re out of toilet paper." "Okay." "Oh, did you make coffee?" "No." "There's a Starbucks on your way to the T" "Oh, that's okay." "Did you get the newspaper?" "No, no, I don't get that." "(KNOCK AT DOOR)" "Morn ng, 6-C That's not mine." "Okay." "I locked myself out of my apartment" "My keys and wa let, everything it's over there." "Can I use your phone?" "Sure, of course, let me just get that." "Hey, Roger, why don't we talk later?" "Because I think 6-A really needs my he p." "Co in." "Hi." "Nice to meet you." "Yeah." "So, how about some dinner tonight?" "Ton ght, tonight?" "Mmm-hmm." "Oh, we have that tenants' meeting tonight." "Oh That's right." "Tenants' meeting." "(SNIFFING)" "Oh, we're trying to get th s very loud bird ev cted." "But why don't I ca I you ater and we'll figure out maybe another t me that we can get together." "Okay." "ALLY:" "Bye." "Hi, I'm Roger." "Hey, do you think the woman coming out of your apartment could have helped you with the "being locked out prob em?" "(LAUGHING)" "Okay." "Uh, I had a ittle situat on that I needed to get out of, not unlike your situation here, so I..." "Lied to her, then lied to me?" "I look at it as trying to avo d hurt fee ings." "Wow." "This is pretty coo Where'd you get th s?" "I made t." "No sh t." "Shit." "Listen, I don't want to have anything to do with your crusade to sleep with every woman in Boston, okay?" "They're k nd of like my sisters." "Wow." "I thought you'd be coo er than th s." "I saw that toast you made on YouTube." "Seemed like you had a good sense of humor." "Those bitches put my toast up on YouTube?" "How d d you see t already?" "I got everybody in the building on Goog e Alert." "I come from a family of cops, it's in my nature to dig up dirt" "Guy in 4-D tried to marry his dog." "No!" "Band t?" "Oh, yeah." "A I right, well, looks like the coast s clear." "Thank you." "You're a peach." "You're a pig." "Mmm." "(GRUNTS)" "This is good." "Okay, okay, that's enough." "I think the idea is just to taste them" "Why?" "Nobody's ever gonna see me naked again." "I might as well enjoy myse f." "Yeah, like you're real y gonna be celibate." "I don t have a choice I said I was gonna stop at 20, and now, thanks to that f nger-smelling fuck, I'm at 20." "Just promise me you re not gonna put me at the singles' table with She la and her mom." "Please." "Seating s rea ly complicated." "Oh, my God." "Wait." "Does that guy look famil ar to you?" "No." "Oh, shit!" "(GASPS) What?" "That's Disgusting Donald!" "I dated him" "Did I ever meet him?" "No!" "Nobody d d." "He s the reason I learned to cook." "(GROANS) We have nothing to eat!" "Honey, let s go out tonight." "I don't know." "There s just so many people out there." "Come on." "I want to try the new Korean barbecue p ace everyone's talk ng about." "I can make Korean barbecue." "Easy What do we need?" "Uh, a table with a grill bu It into t." "That guy doesn t look disgusting at a I. He's actually kind of cute." "I know, but I really th nk t s him." "A I r ght well, go say h and see." "Mmm." "Ally?" "Donald?" "Oh, my gosh." "It s you." "Hi." "Hi." "I can't believe t." "I cannot bel eve it." "Yeah, well..." "Oh, A ly, please meet my f ancée, Cara." "Hi." "Th s s Al y." "Nice to meet you." "You, too." "Wow." "So how did you guys meet?" "At a conference." "At a conference." "Can you be ieve it?" "She's a rocket scientist." "No, I'm not." "Yes, you are." "I'm actua ly just an engineer, but he loves to say that" "You know, I m not the typical..." "I get t." "A ly and I are old fr ends." "What are you doing here?" "Oh, I'm just tast ng some cake for my wedding." "Oh!" "I'm marrying a sc entist, too." "Yeah, he doesn't ook smart either." "I m here w th my s ster because he's up in the North Pole dealing with the whole icecap situation." "Oh." "Yeah." "He s probab y gonna fix t." "I can't believe that he sa d that we were just friends" "Like I was the embarrassment!" "He had man boobs, big hairy ones." "God I can't bel eve it's the same guy." "He ooks so good now." "He even looks taller." "A lot of men get better with age" "I mean you said it yourse f, Edd e used to be a total douche." "People change." "You re right." "Daisy, you're a genius." "I don't have to be cel bate or go over 20." "What do you mean?" "Dona d can't be my only ex who's gotten better with t me." "(EXHALES) Okay." "Love you." "(ANIMAL PLAYING)" "(SIGHS)" "Right." "(READING)" "Okay Huh!" "Jake Adams' dad." "Jake Adams' Facebook." "Okay." "Jake Adams III." "No, Jake Adams IV." "Oh, forget it." "All right, moving on, for now." "What do we have next?" "M ke Miller." "Eleven mil ion results?" "Holy shit!" "From Cresskill, New Jersey." "E ght mi lion results!" "What the fuck?" "Mike Mil er from Cresskill, New Jersey, obsessed with Bruce Spr ngsteen, big balls tiny pen s?" "What?" "No God!" "Oh, God stop it No!" "AUTOMATED VOICE:" "Goodbye." "(GROANS)" "(LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING)" "Balls." "(SINGING) You know, I swing them left and I swing them right" "COLIN:" "That's not my fau t." "(CHUCKLES)" "I told you not to put it there." "Under the bed." "H." "Morning, 6-C." "Hey, um, I see that you have company, but I just want to ask you a rea ly quick question." "Remember how you sa d you were good at d gg ng up dirt?" "Do you think that maybe I could pay you to find some people for me?" "Sweetheart, if I m gonna he p you, you got to g ve me more info than that." "Just some guys that I've dated." "Oh, you have herpes." "That's not a fun call to make." "No, I..." "I don't know." "I just..." "I th nk that one of these guys might be worth a second look." "No." "I refuse to be a part of this type of crazy." "I don't know why these guys broke up with you and I need to protect them." "Wait." "Why do you assume they a I broke up with me?" "Because you seem I ke the type of girl who tries to make a bad thing work" "Some people call that optim sm." "I cal it crazy." "I m sorry I asked." "I knew you'd be a jerk." "Don't be mad." "It doesn t mean I won't sleep with you." "Ugh Gross." "Co in Colin open up Colin!" "Co in, we got to go!" "Mom fe I n the shower." "What?" "Yeah, she fe I n the shower" "H." "She's at the hospital." "She's all wet." "We got to get out of here!" "They're drying her off right now, as we speak." "I m so sorry." "You seem ike a really awesome person." "I'm sure he s gonna call you, but we got to go!" "Come on!" "She s hurt!" "(CHUCKLES) Very impressive." "Hmm." "You help me track down my exes I II help you escape yours." "What happened to protecting your s sters?" "If those gir s can't see you coming they deserve what they get." "Wow." "Jesus." "This place rea ly goes on and on, doesn't it?" "And you can use my apartment to hide n." "Here you go." "Thank you." "Thanks, Diana." "Okay." "So, here s all the nfo I have on the guys." "Names, most recent phone numbers..." "Hey!" "Addresses." "Find out who s al ve, single, and st II on the East Coast okay?" "I'll take a car or a tra n, but not a plane." "I prior tized the ist, so start at the top." "Jake Adams." "Is that the one that got away?" "Well, someth ng like that." "H s dad's name is a so Jake Adams and he owns like, half of Boston." "So, he shou d be pretty easy to find." "The Jake Adams?" "Well, he may not be hard to find, but I guarantee he's gonna be hard to get to." "You don t have a phone number or address or anyth ng like that?" "If I had that, I wouldn't need you." "I do know that Tom Piper is on the fast track to becoming a senator" "Oh, and move John K mble up to number three." "He probably st II works at Starbucks, but he's the best sex I've ever had." "You haven't had sex with me." "No but I have had sex with other overly confident struggling musicians." "So, I'm good." "What makes you th nk I m a mus cian?" "Guitar n your apartment, you dress I ke a horny teenager," "I paid for that sandwich." "Strugg ing mus cian." "So I don't get t." "Why go through all this troub e?" "Why not just find a new guy?" "No." "No new guys." "New is always better than o d." "Of course you'd say that." "I bet the longest re at onship you ve ever had s w th that sandwich." "(CHIT CHAT PLAYING)" "What's it like for you to fall asleep with all your thoughts?" "Do you wake up blue?" "Do you just sleep It off?" "That's pretty." "I know." "Are you really gonna et us look good at your wedd ng?" "No." "That's Mom s dress." "Those are the bridesmaids' dresses." "(GASPS) (GROANS)" "Sorry Mom picked them out, and I'm trying to keep her happy because I nv ted Dad to the wedding." "Have you to d Mom?" "No, not yet." "(GASPS) Oh, wow!" "I think th s s t, right?" "(ALL EXCLAIMING)" "It's beautiful." "Perfect." "I love it." "That is a lot of poof." "The poof is what I like about it." "But don't you want to have wedding night sex with your dress stil on?" "I don t know." "Do I?" "Yeah, naughty bride, you do" "I'm just concerned that with a I those layers he's not gonna be able to find your vagina." "Good point." "I mean forget about 69." "She's not gonna 69." "Why not?" "Because she s a grown-up." "S xty-nines are for when you're 17 and you're trying to cram everyth ng in at once before your parents get home." "Thank you." "Matt s always try ng to do that, and I say "Let's just take turns." "(CELL PHONE CHIMES) "What's the rush?" "'" "Oh, my God." "He found Dave Hansen." "Wait." "Are you tracking down al your ex-boyfr ends so you don't have to go over 20?" "What?" "Think about t." "If it works out with one of these guys, that means a whole period of my life won't have been a waste." "Yeah but t didn't work out with any of those guys because they were a I wrong for you." "Dave Hansen Isn't that the mag c an you dated?" "I believe th s is yours." "I believe these are yours." "Wow You work fast!" "This one was easy." "He has h s own website, supersexymag c." "Com." "Well, I'm sure I I be able to find him." "So, you can scoot and skedaddle" "And miss the show?" "(LAUGHS) Okay." "(LAUGHING)" "Nope I m done here." "That's t?" "Why?" "Because he's a bartender?" "No, because he's still a bartender" "He's exact y where he was nine years ago, an out-of-work mag cian who sleeps till noon, bartends til 3:00, and goes around pull ng money out of peop e." "He keeps your quarter, by the way." "So what?" "You cou d have had some fun for old times sake." "No." "You know, even if it didn't raise my number," "I can't afford to waste any more time on guys I ke him" "Wait, wait, wa t." "That's what this is about?" "You don't want to raise your number!" "That's why you won't s eep with me." "No there's a lot of reasons why I won t sleep w th you." "No, there's not." "I don t know why g rls care so much about their number anyway." "You guys all have this ideal girl n your minds and if our number gets too high, we can't be that girl." "The deal gir Tel me about her." "You know, you can take her home to the fami y, she s smart but not smarter than you, and she bakes apple pies with your mom and p ays catch with your handicapped s ster, but then when you're alone, she's takes off her glasses" "and puts on a v ny cat suit and fucks you sideways!" "That girl doesn t exist If she did, I'd be s eeping with her." "And what kind of guy cares about how many people you ve slept with anyway?" "Decent guys." "Hey!" "What are you doing?" "Waiting for" "(HISSES)" "Amy to eave." "You hooked up with someone last night after I left you?" "Hook ng up sounds so crass." "We shared a romantic exper ence." "And then I told her I had an early dentist appo ntment, and I'm h ding on your couch till she leaves" "Well, maybe you could use this downtime to do some actual work" "I am working I set up a Facebook account for you." "(SIGHS) I don t want to be on Facebook." "What picture did you use?" "The one I just took of you sleep ng." "I think this is gonna be better." "While you're ooking for them, they can be looking for you." "F ne, but I refuse to tweet." "Ooh!" "Number 14, Evan Slater, has fr end-requested you." "He s tagged you in a photo and he's suggested you become a fan of Tito s Tacos." "Ooh." "I liked Evan." "Yeah, and who doesn t like tacos?" "(GASPS) He's adorab e." "And so are h s w fe and kids." "Well, he c ear y doesn't understand what Facebook is for." "You know, if you don't start taking this job more seriously you're f red from using my apartment." "Where's my coffee pot?" "I broke t." "If you were on Twitter, you'd know that a ready." "You owe me $19.95." "How about I pay you back in Chinese food?" "I ordered Charlie Chiang." "D d you get the itty-bitty spare ribs?" "Okay, I'll be there in five minutes" "Hey." "Hey, come on in." "(EXHALES IN AWE)" "Wow." "Yeah." "Dad d dn't take me to too many bal games, but we did go on a lot of stakeouts." "It's impressive." "COLIN:" "Okay so Mike M Iler and Eric Hamilton are marr ed." "So is Valerio the guy from Ita y." "Ew." "Plum sauce?" "Yes, please, but no mustard." "No mustard?" "Mustard's the best part." "Not if you hate mustard." "Anything on Jake Adams yet?" "No." "I'm sorry." "I told you, r ch people are very good at protecting their pr vacy, but just be patient, we' I find h m" "What about Simon Forester?" "He's separated and h s house just went on the market, so I'm guessing a divorce is r ght around the corner." "Huh." "Okay." "Let s try Simon." "Simon." "Okay, so what's my plan?" "Guy getting a divorce" "Divorce..." "I could f nd out who his awyer is and get a job there as h s assistant" "Or we keep t simple and you just go ook at his open house" "Huh." "The challenge with a newly divorced guy is that he's just looking to have fun." "What you got to do is give him the best sex of his life." "He can't realize that he's fa ling n love with you until it's too late." "So, I'm covering up the fact that I m marriage mater al with amaz ng sex?" "Yeah." "How's your blowjob?" "What?" "Relax." "This is business." "I m trying to he p you." "Well, if you must know, it's pretty good" "It's the hand job I haven't qu te figured out yet." "Well, I guarantee you he has, so sk p t." "A I right I guess this is t." "Ready?" "Yeah." "This is n ce." "S mon's doing well." "I wonder where the rea tor is." "Hel o?" "Is that... (EXCLAIMS)" "What the..." "Donald!" "A ly!" "What the fuck are you doing in my home?" "Uh..." "The door was open, so I just assumed th s was the open house." "No." "No." "This is my house." "You re in my home" "Oh, we I..." "My f ancé, Pierre, and I are looking to buy a p ace when he gets back from the North Po e." "Hey Al y, can I go ahead and get that picture back from you?" "(LAUGHS) Oh, I'm sorry." "Oops" "(TOILET FLUSHING)" "That was Disgusting Dona d." "He didn't ook disgusting." "He was disgusting when I dated him, okay?" "Oh, my God there's Simon." "He ooks good for a guy going through a divorce." "(WITH ENGLISH ACCENT) Before you take my order," "I do fee compelled to expla n why a s ng e, straight man is having high tea by himself on Beacon Hill." "Well, um," "I'm just so homes ck that I'd k II for anything Eng ish" "Okay, so go I can take it from here." "Don't shove me." "Get out of here." "Don't shove me." "Get out of here Hey!" "I said don t shove me!" "A ly Darling?" "Is that you?" "(WITH ENGLISH ACCENT) Simon, I can't be ieve t." "What are the chances?" "It's br Iliant to see you." "It is br Iliant." "S mon, th s s my neighbor Col n." "But he has to go now." "No, I don't." "P easure." "No, no, the pleasure s all mine." "Wow." "Wow." "It s great to see..." "Did you ook this good when we were dating?" "Oh, well, I had a fr nge back then." "That's bangs." "' Fringe' is bangs"" "Americans." "L sten, they're showing my house, so I've got to disappear for an hour or so, but do you fancy grabb ng a pint?" "Smashing." "Cheerio Col n." "How are you fancying driv ng on the r ght?" "Cross Simon off the list." "What happened?" "(SIGHS) My British accent was a ittle rusty, and halfway through darts" "I started sound ng I ke Eliza Dool tt e." "Don't take your eye off the board." "No." "Straight." "Just..." "Higher." "Better." "(WITH COCKNEY ACCENT) Bloody ell!" "I'm rubbish at th s." "You were saying you got sacked." "Yep Losing me job wasn t the end of the wor d." "Sti I got me mates and a roof over me ead." "I don t need much, just a room somewhere, far away from the cold night a r." "And then when I tried to pul out of it for some reason I panicked and went fu I Borat." "(WITH STRANGE ACCENT) So, I order another round?" "No No, I think we better call it a night." "Oh, no!" "I talk who e time." "I know noth ng about you." "(WITH SCANDINAVIAN ACCENT) So, what's next for Svorgon?" "Svorgon?" "I turned nto the Swedish Chef from The Muppets." "He was my favorite." "(SIGHS) Okay." "Who e se we got?" "I thought we weren t a lowed up here." "Didn't you get that memo?" "I wrote that memo." "It was gett ng kind of crowded, and my band and I practice up here." "Where does your band play?" "Here for now." "My mom s fr end is looking for a band for her son's bar mitzvah." "No, thank you." "We're not that kind of band." "The k nd that makes money?" "Let's drop t." "We got 10 poss bi it es left." "Jay from Club Med Turkoise." "I'm trying, but I need more nfo" "I'm sorry, it was spring break." "Jay may not even be his real name." "I m certainly not Ke li with an "I."" "Barrett Ingold I ves in Miami." "I know it's not geographically des rab e, but he is a doctor now" "Don't care." "I hate Miami." "I th nk too much sun makes people stup d." "Okay." "How do you feel about Denver?" "I found the mounta n man, and that guy has got a caboose worth relocating for." "Pass He a ways wanted to breathe fresh air." "Do you know how exhausting it was to pretend to enjoy the outdoors with that k nd of enthusiasm?" "More exhausting than pretending to be Br tish?" "I never had to wipe myself with a leaf when I was pretending to be Brit sh." "Touché." "What about Gerry Perry?" "He s a puppeteer, so he's single" "(GRUNTS)" "I don't want to go out with Gerry Perry." "Where's Jake Adams?" "In Noyaradougou." "What?" "Where the he I's that?" "Africa." "He runs his family s ph lanthropic foundation and he's overseeing the construct on of a school there." "Is he ever coming back?" "Eventually." "In the meant me, I ve got Gerry Perry" "(GROANING) No!" "(LAUGHING)" "A I r ght so the puppet show starts at 200, and I' I meet you at the park." "(SIGHING) Okay." "Hey, Col n." "Yeah?" "Thank you for al your hard work, by the way." "I real y appreciate t." "You do?" "Because sometimes, it's hard to tel" "Real y?" "Oh... (CHUCKLES)" "What are you doing?" "Trying to end the night w th a bang." "(SIGHS)" "You real y can't hang out with a girl without sleep ng with her can you?" "Well, I can it's just not that much fun." "(WHISPERING) You re not on my ist." "You cou d just cross off the dead guy, put my name on there." "(CHILDREN LAUGHING)" "GERRY AS PUPPET:" "Who d d the poop?" "ALL:" "You did the poop!" "Hey." "Hey." "Whose kid is th s?" "He's my nephew." "If I'd shown up to the puppet show without a ch Id, it might be creepy." "Great." "Huh." "Can you say hi, Just n?" "Arr!" "He s a pirate." "GERRY AS PUPPET:" "What are you talk ng about?" "A I r ght, you're up." "Great." "Come on." "Thanks, Gerry." "You re welcome. (CHUCKLES)" "Daisy home?" "No." "(GRUNTING)" "So, when do you th nk Da sy w II be home?" "Gerry?" "Ally?" "Oh my God what are you doing here?" "Hi." "Oh, you know I m just babysitting for a friend." "Ah, cool." "So, you saw the mag ca show." "Yeah!" "Wow, the kids, they just love it." "That's just because I say poop" a ot." "(ALL LAUGHING)" "Hey, so," "(IMITATING FANFARE)" "Recognize this bad boy?" "Hey there, Smart Alec." "H." "So, how are you?" "Quit be ng a pussy, and ask her about Daisy." "What?" "Come on man, don't be rude." "You are rude." "Sorry about that." "That's okay." "Uh..." "I'm great." "Great, great Well, you look great." "Not as great as Daisy." "Ignore him." "(GRUNTS)" "Hey, but serious y, maybe we shou d exchange numbers, you know, and catch up." "You know what?" "I think I'm all caught up." "Cool!" "But t was real y great running into you." "Great runn ng into you." "No, it wasn't." "Big mouth." "Okay, I'll see you around." "Hey, Daisy." "Hey." "(BREATHING HEAVILY)" "Da sy..." "I can t believe I slept with that guy." "Where's Just n?" "This is Just n." "That's not Just n." "What s the matter with you?" "Didn't your mom teach you to not walk off with strangers?" "What's the matter with you?" "You didn't real ze you had a completely different human be ng?" "Justin!" "Okay." "What does your mommy look I ke?" "Like you." "Lucas!" "Get back here!" "Wait." "Wait." "Do you really th nk I look ike your mommy?" "Huh?" "Answer me!" "Answer me Lucas!" "Lucas!" "No disappear ng acts, buddy." "Okay, I am not buy ng you any more food unt I you find Jake Adams." "If he was so perfect, why didn't t work out in the first place?" "Well, we made this pact that we would lose our virginity to each other, but Jake went abroad junior year, and while he was gone," "I broke the pact." "W th who?" "Which one of the 20 could have possibly been better than Jake Adams?" "And why aren t we looking for him?" "You already found him." "Gerry Perry?" "You lost your v rginity to the puppeteer?" "(LAUGHING)" "I know." "I felt bad for him." "Oh, Ally, I underestimated you." "That's amaz ng." "That's..." "That's my new favorite thing about you." "Hi." "Thank you." "Hey." "Hi." "Is Eddie coming?" "No." "Mom." "Don't go." "(SIGHS)" "I can t have lunch with Mom." "I d dn't wash my hair." "You can't even tell." "It looks great" "You haven't told Mom Dad's coming to the wedding, have you?" "No." "And that's why I'm here." "Yes." "And my hair doesn't look that great?" "No." "I can't tell her alone." "F ne." "Pass the butter." "(HUMMING THE WEDDING MARCH) Hi, Mummy" "Hi, Mom." "Kitty." "Oh, my." "So, the caterer called." "Um, how strict a vegetar an is your boyfr end R ck, honey?" "Wou d he be wil ing to eat just a ittle chicken for one n ght?" "No, Rick's not coming." "They broke up." "Daisy!" "What?" "Not again." "Dad's coming to the wedding." "What?" "Ally!" "How could you do this to me?" "I'm not doing anything to you, Mom." "Except making it imposs ble for me to come" "You re not gonna come to my wedding?" "Not if your father's coming I'm not." "Maybe he can be A lison's date." "Hmm?" "I'm sure you w II just have a lovely, lovely time." "Bye, Mom." "Bye." "Bye, Mom" "You have to fix this." "I'll ta k to her when I get back." "Where are you going?" "Miami, for a Pap smear." "Why?" "Do you remember Barrett Ingold?" "The guy who threw up in our dishwasher?" "Yeah." "He's a gynecologist now." "But you hate Miami." "I know." "But I m not having as much luck as I'd hoped locally and I'm running out of t me, money, and viable eggs." "So, you're tell ng me that tracking down your ex-boyfriends is more important than helping me plan my wedding?" "I know it sounds stupid to you, but it is important." "I fee I ke everyone else is mov ng on with their ives but me." "A ly, I'm all for mov ng on, I rea ly am, but it just feels I ke th s quest you're on is a ittle nuts" "(SIGHS) You know what?" "If you hadn't given your ex-boyfriend a second chance, you wouldn t even be hav ng a wedding." "Besides, I need a Pap smear and he takes my insurance" "I'm late for my spray tan." "Hello, All son." "Barrett?" "Oh, my God, is that you?" "H." "It's Ally." "Ally Darling." "Oh." "Yeah from spinning." "No." "From..." "Oh, Greg's birthday party." "We went to college together." "We dated." "Oh." "How about that?" "Well, that was a ong time ago." "So let's see how th ngs are go ng now." "Can you scooch?" "Very good." "(HUMMING)" "A ly Of course." "He recognized my vagina!" "What's going on down there?" "I got to say, I'm a ittle freaked out." "Well, I'd be happy to take a ook for you." "(GROANS) I used a I my miles for that!" "Cross Barrett off the ist!" "You know what?" "Cross the ist off the ist!" "What am I doing?" "Unemp oyed spending every ast dime try ng to track down these assholes who already broke up with me once." "Maybe I shou d just qu t." "Well, that's too bad, 'cause I found Tom Piper." "Keep talking." "He's in D.C., I ke you sa d." "He's working as an aide for Senator Mitche I." "I don't have anything a pol tician's wife wou d wear." "Ooh!" "I do have a store credit for Ann Taylor." "Ha!" "(CELL PHONE CHIMES) Hi." "DAISY:" "I'm on your street and I have to poo." "Okay, let yourself in, I' I be home n 10 minutes." "H." "Hey." "Oh, Jesus." "Tell me you re not naked on my couch next to my sister" "Thankfully, he doesn't I ke to p ay without his underwear." "The guitar gets co d against h s pen s." "So, you two have met." "Hey, remember Tom Piper?" "Col n found him n D C. So I'm go ng there tomorrow, wearing this!" "I m so excited." "Then why wou d you wear a pantsu t?" "Don't you have your interv ew at Sheffield and B oom tomorrow?" "That's the beauty of a pantsuit you know." "It works for both a super-boring nterview and for an accidenta on-purpose encounter with my future husband." "Hey d d you ever try and sell those freaky little sculptures you make?" "No, she needs a real job." "Oh, yeah, those are just a hobby." "COLIN:" "I th nk they're amazing." "You shou d try Not everyone can do that, you know." "Excuse me, would you m nd g ving me and Ally a little bit of pr vacy, p ease?" "She has to poo." "Ally!" "Hey hasn't your lady friend left yet?" "No, I guess this one's a late sleeper." "Wait." "Are you..." "Is he hid ng out here because there s a woman in his apartment?" "He is." "That's it I m going to Anthony's Bakery." "Excuse me." "Do you want to grab me a cannol?" "No?" "(DOOR CLOSING)" "Okay Keys." "Who the hell are you?" "Andrea." "He d dn't tell you he was engaged?" "No." "I am so sorry." "When I told him I was engaged, he didn't say anything." "(SOBBING)" "Why?" "Tits!" "Oh." "Oh." "Oh." "Why?" "Why?" "(DOOR CLOSING)" "Hey, wouldn t it be easier if you just spent the n ght at their apartments and left in the morning, like a normal guy?" "No." "I once stayed in a relationsh p with a girl because of a picture she had on her bedside table" "It was her dressed as Cinderella on her fifth birthday" "Grab that." "So?" "So every time I tried to split w th her," "I'd picture that ittle g rl in the blue dress." "Happy." "Excited about Monty, her new gerb I, who she wou d later kill by accidenta ly putting him in the dryer." "(SIGHS)" "Just couldn't break that little gir 's heart." "So you're say ng it's eas er to sleep with g rls and never call them aga n if you don t know anyth ng about them?" "Kind of I ke a serial k Iler." "Yeah, I guess so." "Hmm." "COLIN ON PHONE:" "Hey, so I talked to Piper's assistant." "He said he's gonna be doing research in the library of the Adams Building for the rest of the day." "Oh wait." "Hold on." "My leg fel asleep on the train." "Pins and needles." "Pins and needles." "Punch t." "Really?" "(GRUNTING)" "I m punching." "What?" "Your leg's never fal en asleep before?" "(TAP RUNNING)" "What's that sound?" "Nothing." "Hey, I didn't know you were such a b g fan of L onel Richie." "You know ook ng at somebody's p aylist s ike reading their diary." "(CLICKS)" "That's my bathtub." "(BOTH GRUNT)" "Donald." "A ly..." "What are you doing here?" "Visiting my fiancé." "(CLEARS THROAT)" "Your fiancé who was at the North Pole?" "Yep." "He s back." "Pierre is back." "Wow." "Pierre just happens to be n Washington D. C, the same time that I have a conference?" "Yep." "He's meet ng with the President." "Oh." "What a coincidence." "(LAUGHS) I know." "It's crazy, isn t it?" "Yeah, it is." "That's exact y what it is." "Okay." "Do you ike freedom?" "Sign here for freedom." "Be on our mai ing I st for George Bush." "George W. Bush." "Vote George Bush." "Get on our mail ng list." "Vote for freedom." "(WHISPERING) No no no It's taken." "It's taken." "Okay, excuse me." "I m just wondering if you could help me move the table about three feet this way?" "I just..." "I like it better over there." "(CONTINUES WHISPERING) Great keep going just a ittle further." "Go, team." "That's fantast c work." "Thank you." "Almost." "A most A most there." "Okay." "Okay, okay, okay Okay." "(SHATTERS)" "(ALL MURMURING)" "A ly Darling." "Tom?" "Shh!" "(FEEL LUCKY PLAYING)" "Oh, my God!" "He's taking me to th s party tonight." "I offered to stay at the Best Western, but he ins sted on putting me up at the Omni." "COLIN:" "He dropped you off at the hotel and didn't come up for ' it's good to see you sex?" "What d you do to turn him off?" "Nothing." "He's a gentleman." "You wore that pantsu t, didn't you?" "That pantsu t s sexy." "It's very Katharine Hepburn." "All right." "Let's clear something up right now." "Kathar ne Hepburn was not sexy." "Audrey Hepburn was sexy." "Katharine Hepburn was a dude." "(KNOCK AT DOOR)" "Well, Tom is just a good guy." "Besides, you wouldn't know a gentleman f he t ptoed up behind you and t ckled your balls." "Hel o." "Thank you." "(GASPS)" "I just got a present." "Oh!" "He just sent over the most beautiful dress I've ever seen!" "I feel like C nderel a." "Careful, if you're not home by midnight, it m ght turn into a pantsu t." "(EXCLAIMING ECSTATICALLY)" "Wow!" "Look at you." "You don't..." "You don't th nk t s a ittle sma I?" "(LAUGHING)" "I m sorry." "It was hard to te I what was going on underneath the pantsu t." "Perfect." "You ready?" "(EXHALING) Okay." "You all right?" "(CELL PHONE CHIMING)" "Excuse me." "A I right." "Ready?" "All right." "Ready" "I feel lucky I feel free" "I feel everything's a possibility" "(PEOPLE LAUGHING)" "I can't believe Senator Phi lips and his wife were talk ng to us for, like 15 minutes I know" "He didn t even know my name before ton ght." "Now he wants to hear my ideas about the tobacco reform b II." "And she wants to take me out to unch." "Some p ace with popovers!" "(LAUGHING)" "We make a great team." "With you by my side we cou d own th s town." "We could totally own t." "I mean it Al y." "Look, I have my eyes on a Senate seat, and then the presidency." "Now, if tonight is any indication," "I th nk together we cou d go all the way." "Let's do it!" "So, we re do ng t?" "Yeah!" "What are we doing?" "We're gett ng married!" "Oh." "Yeah!" "Well, maybe we should kiss f rst and see how that goes." "(STAMMERING) A k ss?" "No." "I want you to be my beard." "I'm gay" "What?" "Gay." "L ke super gay." "L ke, one down here, one here, one here, one here, gay" "I thought you knew that." "America's ready for a black Pres dent." "They're not ready for a gay black Pres dent." "And we have h story, Al y." "I mean, I wouldn t have known I was gay if I hadn't dated you." "So, what do you say?" "Can I get back to you?" "(DOOR OPENING)" "Hey, Band t." "Wait, wait, wait." "Don't move." "Stay r ght there." "What are you doing here?" "I'm not depressed enough to sleep with you." "Close your eyes." "That won t he p." "And open them." "What do you th nk?" "My w ring s a little spotty." "Every time these go on your bathroom light burns out, but I think it's worth t." "What did you do?" "I think it really brings out the detail, you know?" "I never noticed Louie's gold tooth before." "I named him Lou e, by the way." "(GASPS)" "I can t be ieve t." "This is amazing." "Yeah." "We I, you sounded depressed on the phone, so..." "You hungry?" "I m starving!" "So, I got good news." "I found Julie from co lege." "She is a man now, and she's single." "She's cute Looks I ke Ralph Macch o." "You know what?" "Even if he were straight, it wou dn't have worked anyway." "You got to be a ady to be the First Lady, and I ain't no lady" "You re a lady." "You re lots of lady." "You re once, twice, 20 times a ady." "(DRUMBEAT PLAYING)" "Okay." "Okay." "(SINGING) You're once, twice" "Three times a lady" "I love you" "(WHOOPS)" "Yeah, you're once, twice" "Three times a lady" "I love you" "(WHOOPS)" "Thank you." "Thank you." "Whoa." "(EXHALES)" "Oh, sh t." "(LAUGHS)" "I either need to I e down or throw up." "You okay?" "Yeah." "No." "I have to go to my sisters wedd ng alone." "I I go with you." "You'd do that?" "Yeah." "Why not?" "Thanks." "I rea ly apprec ate that." "I sti I think I m gonna throw up." "Let s get some a r." "(WHISPERING) What are we doing?" "Just because it's dark doesn't mean you have to whisper." "(LAUGHS)" "Are we n the Garden?" "Yep." "This has got to be il egal." "Yeah, probab y." "I worked here one summer." "I passed out programs and I managed to swipe a passkey before I got fired." "You got fired?" "Yeah There was an incident with the mascot" "What happened?" "I may or may not have p ssed in his pot of go d." "Ever played H O.R.S.E. In the Garden?" "No." "But I have p ayed H O.R.S.E." "Okay, okay." "Okay." "Oh!" "No!" "' H' for you, my friend." "What are you do ng?" "We're play ng str p H O.R.S.E. Is there another k nd?" "There s the kind where you keep your clothes on." "(SCOFFS) What's fun about that?" "A I right "H." "Backboard." "(BOOM BOOM POW PLAYING)" "Uh-huh." "Okay." "Okay." "Oh, my God!" "(GROANS)" "Nope." "(EXCLAIMING)" "Yeah!" "Panty time!" "(GROANS) Come on!" "That was close." "That's an ' H"" "This is not fa r." "I miss one shot, and I'm a most totally naked." "Well, that's the game." "Well, the game is changing." "It's now one-on-one." "This way." "Let's go, baby." "Come get t." "Okay." "Let's go." "Here we go, here we go Satelllte radio" "Y'all getting hit with boom boom" "Beats so big I'm stepping on leprechauns" "Shittln' on y'all with the boom boom" "Shlttln' on y'all with the... (EXCLAIMS)" "ALLY Oh, my God." "I can t be ieve t." "I th nk that dress is gonna look good on him." "It's a good thing you play the guitar, because you suck at basketba I." "(LAUGHS)" "Well, you can't be good at everything." "It just wouldn't be fa r." "And I can't bel eve that you can play Lione Richie!" "I can play a lot of things." "So, how come you don't make a liv ng at t?" "You re really good" "Ah, I want to play my own music." "Don't you worry about paying the rent?" "I don t love marketing, but..." "What do you love?" "(BLOWS RASPBERRY)" "I love making those freaky ittle sculptures, but I'm not gonna make any money at that." "How do you know?" "You ve never tr ed." "I've never jumped into the harbor either." "Doesn't mean that it's a good dea." "I think it's a great idea." "I think it's the best idea you ve ever had." "No." "Yes." "No." "Yes!" "No." "Yes!" "(IN SINGSONG VOICE) We are gonna jump in the harbor!" "No." "No." "No." "No Let's go." "God No!" "Let's do it!" "(GROANS)" "(SCREAMS)" "(GASPING)" "Holy fuck, th s s fuck ng cold!" "Th s s the worst idea you ve ever had!" "(LAUGHING)" "I can't bel eve you final y got me naked." "Well, my shirt does look good on you." "Good 'cause I m keeping t." "No you're not." "I can't afford to lose any more shirts." "Women are always steal ng my shirts" "Women aren't always steal ng your shirts." "They're borrowing them, fu ly ntending to give them back, but you never call." "So you re saying that if I have fewer one-n ght stands," "I I have more shirts?" "I think so." "Well, then, that settles t." "I m changing my ways, and I m not gonna lose any more shirts." "Real y?" "Real y." "In fact, I think I'm gonna take th s one back right now." "Good for you." "Wait." "It's okay, I have one." "No." "I have to slow down." "Okay." "Okay, that s fine." "What f I just put it in a litt e bit?" "It won't even count." "Ei een says it counts." "What about like, that much?" "That's nothing." "(LAUGHS)" "You won't even feel t." "Okay I understand." "That's fine." "But I am gonna keep kissing you." "Hi." "Hi." "You look so beautiful n the morning." "I do?" "Yeah." "(CLEARS THROAT)" "How s th s for a sl ce of awesome?" "Mexican wrestling on pay-per-view all day." "I wi I run to the store and get eggs and salsa for huevos rancheros you stay here and whip up margaritas." "Sound good?" "Sh t!" "I can't!" "Oh, my God!" "(GRUNTS)" "Cereal?" "No!" "I m meeting Daisy." "I'm already late She hates it when I'm late." "Oh, no." "(GIGGLES)" "Whoo!" "I can't believe Eddie didn t want to pick out these place cards." "Oh, no no no." "He has terrib e taste in fonts" "Have you convinced Mom to come to the wedding yet?" "No, and I don't have to, because you are gonna ta k Dad out of coming." "I am?" "Let s face it" "Dad s only coming because he thinks that he has to." "So, why not just let him off the hook and make everybody happy?" "It's not a bad idea." "Oh, great!" "You guys can cast the final vote." "We've narrowed t down." "To this one, or this nearly ident ca one." "Monotype Corsiva." "How do you know that?" "I'm married." "EILEEN:" "Okay, are we done?" "Because we want to hear about D C." "D d you go to the Holocaust Museum?" "No but that would have been more fun." "So, there were no sparks with Tom?" "Tom?" "What happened to Jake?" "I thought you were looking for Jake" "Jake s in Africa and Tom s gay, but it's okay, because Colin s gonna be my date for the wedd ng." "Is that the guy who answered your ce I phone and got mad at me for waking h m up at 200 in the afternoon?" "Yeah." "I took his phone by mistake." "You nv ted Colin?" "Your rapey ne ghbor?" "Do we ca I him that?" "Just behind your back." "Okay." "We I, let's stop because he's actually a pretty good guy." "DAISY Oh, Al y." "What?" "You slept with h m!" "Oh, no!" "I d d not." "I didn't." "EILEEN:" "Good Don't." "Because he's not the kind of guy you end up w th." "He's the kind of guy you date before the guy you end up with." "How do you know?" "You haven't even met him." "I don t have to meet him." "I ve had sex with him" "Except h s name is Doug, and he's a fucking iar!" "Well, I have met him, and he is dangerously sexy." "And if he wanted to come n through the back door, you'd let h m" "Don't let him Al y." "You guys don't need to worry." "I'm not going to let h m in any door." "He's just a friend who's doing me a favor." "(CELL PHONE CHIMES)" "(DOOR OPENING)" "COLIN Honey I m home." "So, I T Vo-ed Mexican wrestling for you and I cooked" "They're supposed to be taqu tos they look I ke cannolis, but they kind of taste I ke egg rolls." "What are you doing?" "Are you work ng on the diner?" "A I right" "Don't let me bug you." "Hey, so just out of curiosity, d d you ever hear anyth ng from Jake?" "Nope." "Rea ly?" "Not a phone ca I?" "Nothing?" "Nope." "Okay, well," "I m k nd of busy right now, so I guess I'I just see you later." "Shit!" "A ly, wa t." "Wait wa t." "Just go." "I don't want to hear any more ies." "A I right yes." "Jake is back n town and I do have his number, but I didn t th nk that mattered now" "Would you please just go?" "What about last night?" "I think we shou d just forget about last night." "Because of Jake?" "No." "Because you're not the kind of guy I'm supposed to end up with." "What k nd of guy am I, Ally?" "You re the k nd of guy you date before you meet the guy you end up with, and I've already dated 20 of you." "So, you're gonna try and make it work with Jake, a guy you haven t seen in years just so you don t go over the number 20?" "It s not just about a number anymore, okay?" "Well, then what s t?" "It's what I want!" "You don't know what you want Al y." "You're so busy trying to be what everyone else wants you to be you don't know who you are." "At least I have relationships." "You can't even hang out with a woman for 24 hours without s eeping with her." "That was true until I met you." "We I, I'm sure that f we had s ept together, you'd be long gone by now, because that's who you are, Col n, and that's who you' I always be." "A I r ght." "Whatever you say, Al y." "You obv ously have t all figured out" "And I do know who I am!" "I'm someone who's not gonna let another undeserving asshole into my heart!" "Or my vagina!" "MALE TENANT Shut the fuck up!" "Stop fuck ng your dog!" "Hi, Jake Adams, it's Al y." "A ly Dar ing from high school." "Go, V kings." "Um..." "I came across your number, and I thought, 'Wow I shou d real y call Jake" ""and leave him a long, rambling message on his voice ma I."" "Anyway, if you're feel ng up to t, you can give me a call anytime." "My number is 617-55... (HICCUPS)" "Oh, my God, I just h ccupped." "I'm sorry." "617-55..." "A I right." "Okay..." "My number is 617-555-0192." "Okay, bye." "(SIGHS)" "(HICCUPS)" "Well, who doesn t ca I that girl back?" "Not aga n." "Who's the surprise guest this time?" "I was supposed to have lunch with Dad to tel h m that he didn t have to come to the wedd ng, but then he sa d he was gonna br ng his g rlfriend." "Jacinda?" "Yeah." "And I just couldn't have that conversation with him in front of her." "So, I just thought, you know, we cou d do it together." "I am never meeting you for another mea ever aga n." "You don't mean that." "A ly, I didn t know you were coming." "What a nice surprise." "Hi." "I m Daisy." "Got all my g rls here I see that you've got one of these too." "I got a coup e for the two of us so we can text and tweet." "You should fol ow me on Twitter, "VeryTerry3."" "Or we could just ta k right now." "(CHUCKLES) LOL." "He is so exc ted about your wedd ng." "It s al he can text about." "I can't wait for everyone to meet my lady." "Oh, you're com ng to the wedding too?" "That's great." "That's so great." "A ly, isn't that so great?" "It's great." "It's so great." "Oh!" "Excuse me for a second." "Don't go." "(WHISPERING) We are just fine." "Hold up." "Ashton is getting his car washed." "Nuh-uh." "Lookit" "(HUMAN ROCKET PLAYING)" "I am a human rocket" "On a mission of deployment" "I've been cocked and loaded" "Ready for the culmination" "I am a human missile" "Guided by a secret agenda" "That commands my every thoughts and deeds" "And wills me on my way" "I am a human rocket" "On a mission of redemption" "I've been cocked and loaded" "Primed by everything I know" "I am a human missile" "Guided by a secret voice" "That commands my every thoughts and deeds" "And wills me on my righteous way" "(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)" "(MUSIC STOPS)" "JAKE:" "All right." "Great." "Ally." "Jake." "(COUGHS)" "My brothers actually went more into the business s de of things, and when my dad asked me to run the foundat on, it was sort of more of a natural fit for me, you know?" "I've always been better at giving away money versus making it." "I'm rambling." "I can hear myself totally ramb ing" "No." "No, no, not at all." "I am." "I am." "I ve been doing it a I day." "Kind of, but t s interesting." "Hey, what do..." "I mean, what about you?" "Last I heard you were in marketing, right?" "Yeah." "I'm actua ly n between jobs right now." "Well, listen say the word." "I mean I can get you an interview over at Adams in two seconds." "Oh, thank you." "But you know what?" "I m actually..." "I'm think ng about making a change." "A change?" "Oh, yeah?" "What would you do?" "I make these clay sculptures." "They're sort of these freaky little urban scenes." "They're kind of hard to explain." "I'd really have to show you." "I d love to see them." "Real y?" "They're in my shower." "Then I guess we're done here." "See This is where they dry." "Wow." "They rea ly are in your shower." "Yep. (CHUCKLES)" "ALLY:" "Did I tell you that he speaks four different languages, but he's so not obnoxious about t?" "And he's still so goddamn handsome, and he smells so fucking good." "It's crazy." "He s tak ng me to a gala at the Institute of Contemporary Art, and then I think we're going to go..." "Whoa." "That's not your dress." "Yeah." "Yeah I know I just..." "Yeah, I just like this one better, 'cause there's just..." "You know, t s more comfortable." "There s just more room to..." "To eat and to move, and to..." "To dance" "Okay." "I couldn t breathe in my other dress!" "A bride shou d be able to breathe in her own fucking dress!" "Sorry I just am feel ng really stressed out right now because I don t know how I'm go ng to convince Mom to come to my wedding, because our dad is br nging our new mommy, and she s not..." "Stop." "I wil go with you to talk to Mom and you don't even have to trick me Okay?" "Now, are you sure you can breathe n this dress?" "Okay, then do that." "(GASPS)" "ALLY It's really not gonna be that bad." "We're gonna loosen her up." "We're gonna ease into it." "It's gonna be great." "If you say so." "Mom?" "I don t believe you!" "When were you planning to tell me about all th s?" "Hmm?" "Uh..." "Now?" "That's why we're here Mom." "I have to read about it in a magazine?" "You and Jake Adams." "Are you an item?" "Yes?" "(SQUEALS)" "Did you just squea Mom?" "(LAUGHING) I don t know." "I'm out of my body right now." "Is it serious?" "It could be but we're taking it s ow." "Do you real y have that luxury?" "I want to make sure that it s right." "Oh, it doesn't get any more right than Jake Adams." "This is your lfe Al y, don't get creative." "When I saw you two in that magazine" "I went and found some old photographs." "Just look at this." "I knew he was the one." "Aw." "Tel me, A ly, is he gonna be your date to the wedding?" "Is he, Ally?" "Yes." "Oh!" "Oh, I got to get the seating chart." "So, you're stil gonna come to the wedding, even though Dad's gonna be there too?" "Of course, darling." "My baby on y gets marr ed once." "Right?" "I am so proud of my girls." "(IN SINGSONG) Seating chart." "Seating chart." "Where's the little seating chart?" "Do we tell her about Jacinda?" "No I think we quit while we're ahead." "Bye, Mom Bye, Mom." "What?" "...and get you drunk" "So I can have my wicked way with you" "I'm just being honest" "'Cause I know the other guys are thinking just the same way too" "I real y love Japan." "Real y?" "Are those m ni cheeseburgers?" "Yes, they are." "May I?" "Thank you." "You didn't want one?" "No, I'm okay." "Thank you." "Mmm." "These are excellent m ni cheeseburgers" "Thank you Thank you." "Thank you." "Show me some skin I might bite it" "I wanna have my wicked way with you" "So I'm not gonna come over and meet your mom and dad" "They know that I was bad" "I'm just thinking of three hours or more" "So I can have my wicked way with you" "My wicked way with you" "Co in hi." "H." "Fancy meeting you here, dressed al fancy." "Where you off to?" "A wedding." "You, too, right?" "Today s Daisy's b g day." "Yeah." "Wow." "You're going to a wedding too." "That's we rd." "Whose wedding?" "Nobody you know." "Oh." "Is it I ke a date or something?" "Are you seeing somebody?" "Don't worry about t, Al y." "Don't drink too much champagne." "(ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYING)" "(ALL CLAMORING)" "Hey s my ha r too high?" "Oh, no, honey." "It's perfect." "JAMIE:" "Is it go ng on?" "The dress doesn't f t." "Okay." "Why isn t it zipped?" "Can I get some he p here?" "Where's my Croissan'Wich?" "D d somebody eat my Cro ssan'Wich?" "No, honey." "Nobody d d." "You just re ax, okay?" "Katie, Jamie, find Daisy s Croissan'Wich." "Okay." "On it." "Got it Okay." "Okay, I sten," "I don't want anyone to panic but..." "What's happening?" "The harp st isn't coming." "I had a harpist?" "She broke her finger during the philharmonic softbal league p ayoffs, and g ven that this is one of the busiest wedding weekends of the year, a I the other harpists are booked." "Oh, Christ Why is th s happening to me?" "KEVIN:" "I got a list of all the other wedd ngs happening in the c ty and found a rep acement who can be here as soon as her first wedd ng is over." "And if she doesn't show, I play the horn" "Now let s get this g rl married huh?" "(ALL CHEERING)" "Daise, I got t." "(CHAMBER MUSIC PLAYING)" "(TUBA PLAYING BRIDAL CHORUS)" "OFFICIANT:" "Please rise for the bride." "We are gathered here today to celebrate the union of Daisy Ann Dar ing and Edward Michae Vogel." "Getting to know Da sy and Eddie has reinforced my be lef that, while love is universal, every couple is unique." "(HOLDING A HEART PLAYING)" "Daisy Darling today I make these vows to you." "I wi I never rhyme "crazy" with "Daisy"" "(ALL LAUGHING)" "Even if I mean, like, "crazy good"" "I wil not b ow my nose in the shower." "(ALL EXCLAIMING)" "I promise to a ways consu t you before getting a haircut and to never grow a moustache." "Or a soul patch." "No." "I will not blame you for the bad decis ons you make n my dreams." "I wil keep an eye on that susp c ous freckle on your back, even though I'm really sure t s nothing." "And I wi I not get mad at you about everything when I'm on y really mad at you about one thing." "OFFICIANT:" "By the power vested in me," "I am happy to pronounce you husband and wife." "You may kiss the bride." "(ALL CHEERING)" "I'm holding a heart here in my hand" "Hey, hey, hey" "My own work of art" "Here where I stand" "Hey, hey, hey" "(SINGING) I can see clearly now The rain is gone" "I can see all obstacles in my way" "Quite a party." "Yeah, it sure is." "Hold on I have to tweet about this." "And hi there." "(LAUGHING)" "Your mom always d d have a great laugh." "I'm just glad she s happy." "Are you happy?" "Yeah." "Of course." "Your mom only wants what's best for you, you know." "I know." "Unfortunately, she thinks what's best for you is being exactly like her, only you're not, Al y." "You may have her looks, but you have my rhythm k d." "I'm afraid it's a little offbeat." "I guess that explains why she's always d sappo nted n me." "I think it's hard for her to ook at you and see so much of me." "(SONG ENDING)" "Thanks for the time" "That you've given me" "Uh, may I?" "Why not?" "Thank you." "Thank you, s r." "God, I'm sorry." "I just cou dn't slow-dance with your mother." "No that's okay." "(LAUGHS)" "I th nk the ast time we slow-danced was prom night." "Yeah." "Yeah t was." "I remember that." "I believe that was a so the night where you finally gave me the honor of making you unfit for every other man in the vi lage." "Oh, boy." "You're once, twice" "Three times a lady" "I know this isn't the ideal place to tell you, but I want to be honest." "You weren't my first." "I wasn't?" "No, I'm sorry." "Wel so you ve been with two guys n your life." "Big deal." "More I ke two t mes 10." "(CHUCKLING) Right." "L ke you ve had sex with 20 guys." "Yuck." "(LAUGHING)" "Gross." "We I, al right." "I may not have been your first, but maybe I'll be your last." "Why?" "Are you gonna rape and ki I me?" "No, but I'm gonna kiss you." "With every beat" "Of my heart" "You're once" "Come with me for a second." "Twice" "Three times a lady" "So, how does dinner in Milan and breakfast in Paris sound?" "Starchy." "I've got to do a ittle traveling for the foundation, and I d love t if you came w th me." "Ser ously?" "Mmm-hmm." "For how long?" "Six months." "I know it sounds I ke a long time, but you're in-between jobs and your little sculpture things can wa t." "And if you th nk about it, the only thing that s keeping you in Boston s me, and I m eaving." "It's t me." "Excuse me." "Thank you." "And I love you" "(SONG STOPS ABRUPTLY)" "Join me." "Hi, everyone." "ALL:" "Hi." "When Dalsy and Eddie first got together," "I have to admit I was a little bit nervous." "I could tell that It was serious, and I thought that the closer she got to him, the further away she'd get from me, but that didn't happen." "Not only do I see more of Daisy," "I see a happier, even better Daisy." "It's like with Eddie she's" "completely herself." "When you're a big sister, it's your job to teach your little sister everything." "How to ride a bike, how to lie to your parents." "How to kiss." "Not with tongue." "Settle down, Uncle Charlie." "(SIGHS)" "But I never thought about what my little sister could teach me until right now." "So, I want to thank you, Daisy." "Thank you for teaching me that being in love means being yourself." "To Dalsy and Eddie!" "You were great." "Can we talk?" "Yeah." "Abso ute y." "ALL (SINGING) That's the way, uh-huh, uh-huh" "I like it, uh-huh, uh-huh" "That's the way, uh-huh, uh-huh" "I like it, uh-huh, uh-huh" "That's the way, uh-huh, uh-huh" "Oh, sh t." "What s go ng on?" "Are you okay?" "Jake, there actually is something here n Boston that's rea ly important to me." "And as much as I want to travel the world," "I'm not sure I want to do t with you" "Which is insane, I know, because you re perfect" "But you're not perfect for me, and I don t think I'm perfect for you." "I m so sorry, Jake." "If I had been honest with myself earlier or ever," "I wouldn't have put you through all this." "Yeah, we I, that would have been preferable." "R ght." "I don t think I'm gonna stick around for the cake." "Excuse me." "It's really good." "(SIGHS)" "Okay." "(INDISTINCT)" "Where's..." "Where's Jake going?" "Sir champagne?" "ALLY He s leaving." "What?" "In the middle of the recept on?" "Why?" "Because I never should have brought him here in the first place." "You re gonna et him go?" "Oh, A ly, I..." "I don't understand you." "A ly, why?" "Why are you doing th s?" "Honey, you were final y happy" "No!" "You were finally happy." "I don't wanna marry Jake Adams." "That's not who I am." "Oh my..." "I'm a job ess whore who's slept with 20 guys, and I want to be w th somebody who apprec ates that about me." "You may not understand me, Mom, but you don't have to." "A I you have to do is love me" "I know that I'm not perfect, but that's why you have Daisy." "My dress s too tight because I'm four months pregnant" "(GASPS)" "What?" "Oh!" "(LAUGHING)" "You re pregnant?" "Yes." "Now get out of here." "Thank you." "Surpr se!" "I m gonna be a grandmother." "I m gonna be a grandmother." "(ALL EXCLAIMING HAPPILY)" "A I the drinks are sitting here on your tray." "What s the matter with you?" "Is this too difficult?" "Kev n, where's that I st you had of al the other wedd ngs go ng on n the city today?" "It's right here." "Okay, thank you." "(ALL GASP)" "Goddamn." "Damn it!" "(BIZARRE LOVE TRIANGLE PLAYING)" "H." "Every time I think of you" "I feel shot right through with a bolt of blue" "It's no problem of mine But It's a problem I find" "Llving a life that I can't leave behind" "(CAR CHIRPS)" "But there's no sense in telling me" "The wisdom of the fool won't set you free" "(CAR CHIRPING)" "But that's the way that it goes" "And it's what nobody knows" "Well, every day my confusion grows" "Every time I see you falling" "I get down on my knees and pray" "I'm waiting for that final moment" "Colin!" "I feel fine and I feel good" "I feel like I never should" "Whenever I get this way I just don't know what to say" "Why can't we be ourselves like we were yesterday?" "Every time I see you falling" "I get down on my knees and pray" "I'm waiting for that final moment" "You say the words that I can't say" "(DOOR SLAMS)" "Oh, come on!" "Blessed be th s union and may it bear fruit." "(CARS HONKING)" "Co in Colin!" "Blue car, keys are n t." "(CARS HONKING)" "MAN:" "Get the fuck out of the road!" "Hey, watch it, lady." "Shut up you asshole!" "Sorry!" "I m sorry!" "I m sorry!" "(REPORTERS CLAMORING)" "Thank you." "You can help yourself to some pepperoni." "Miss, your name?" "Uh..." "I..." "I m..." "I'm sorry." "COLIN Hi, everyone." "Hope you're all having a good time tonight." "I know we are." "This next song is a local band." "Hope you enjoy it." "(PLAYING JUST WHATI NEEDED)" "(SINGING) I don't mind you coming here" "And wasting all my time" "'Cause when you're standing oh, so near" "(GRUNTING)" "I kind of lose my mind" "This is bullsh t." "Why d dn't I just wait for him at his apartment?" "And wasting all my time" "(EXCLAIMING)" "Fuck!" "Fuck!" "Fuck!" "Fuck!" "I don't mind you hanging out" "And talking in your sleep" "It doesn't matter where you've been" "As long as It was deep Yeah" "Always need to wear It well" "You look so fancy, I can tell" "(MUMBLING OFF-KEY) I don't mind you hanging out" "And talking in your sleep" "I guess you're just what I needed" "I needed someone to feed" "Someone to..." "I need to talk to you" "Right now" "I needed someone to feed" "(MOUTHING)" "Cut Cut." "Cut." "Cut." "(GUESTS GROANING)" "Okay, everybody, we're just gonna take a quick break." "Why don't we get those toasts started?" "So, papa bear, come on up here." "MAN:" "Hello, everyone, and thank you all for coming out tonight..." "CHILDREN (CHANTING) Fuck ty fuck Fuckity fuck!" "Fuck ty fuck" "What are you do ng here Al y?" "I have a speech that I wanna make to you, but I was afraid that I was gonna forget t." "So, I figured it would be easier to dr ve, b ke, and run across town in my high hee s so I could tell you right now." "What's the speech?" "Well, the g st of t was," "I m sorry." "That's t?" "No, wait, there's more." "I, um..." "I m happ est when I m being myself and I'm myself when I'm with you." "That was t." "I guess I was just so afra d that you were another asshole that I became the biggest asshole of all." "You weren't an assho e." "I was an asshole." "I should have given you Jake's number I just..." "I d dn't think I could compete with that." "There's no contest." "You re the most decent guy I ve ever met." "I think I love you, 21." "I love you, too." "Three hundred and..." "No!" "(LAUGHS)" "(GUESTS CHEERING)" "(COMMENTATORS SPEAKING SPANISH ON TV)" "(PHONE RINGING)" "(ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS)" "JAY:" "Hey, Kelli, Kelll with an "I." What's up?" "It's Jay from Club Med Turkoise." "I got a weird message from your assistant, and I just wanted to let you know, we never had sex." "Uh, you did this awkward strlptease involving maracas, and then gave me a shitty hand job." "You claimed it was something you like to do called "dry style,"" "vomited in my suitcase, and then you passed out in the shower." "So, yeah, we never slept together." "(ANSWERING MACHINE CLICKS)" "(BOTH LAUGHING)" "(NEON LIGHTS PLAYING)" "You re number 20!" "I m sti I at 20!" "I can't believe it You are number 20!" "Yes!" "It will outlast everything You think is set is stone" "It goes on and on and on and on" "On and on and on and on" "Buzzing like neon lights" "Can you feel my love?" "Loud and clear Pulls you near" "Can you feel my love?" "We got all the memories So much more we can see" "Better than a first kiss Snow falling at Christmas" "Llke sleeping in on Sunday Laughter we never faked" "Bob Marley In summer One love for each other" "Oh, It feels like..." "Fireflies Day and night" "Can you feel my love?" "Everyone is looking for a special connection" "But it's like your compass points a million directions" "Do you need me to buy you a telescope so you can see" "How good this could be" "Buzzing like neon lights" "Can you feel my love?" "Loud and clear Pulls you near" "Can you feel my love?" "We got all the memories So much more we can see" "Better than a first kiss Snow falling at Christmas" "Llke sleeping in on Sunday Laughter we never faked" "Bob Marley In summer One love for each other" "Oh, It feels like..." "One love for each other" "English" " US" " PSDH"