"â™ª â™ª" "ANNOUNCER:" "Ladies and gentlemen, Nick Turner." "(cheering and applause)" "You're right." "Oh, what's up, New Orleans?" "(cheering, whooping)" "All right." "Yeah, I forgot I shouldn't have asked that." "Oh, you're drunks." "I... am fine with it." "I like to drink wine." "That's my drink." "It makes me feel pretty stupid though." "Uh, I don't know a ton about it." "Uh, usually in a blind taste test," "I can tell whether I'm drinking red or white." "That's about where I am." "Not sure if I've ever had the same wine twice." "I just drink it." "(gulping)" ""I'm drunk." "Give me more."" "So then last week, I had a terrible glass of wine, and I felt like Frasier." "I'm like, "I'm a genius!" ""Get out of here!" "How dare you?"" "So it felt good." "I later found out, uh, I had been drinking balsamic vinegar." "I got a new dog." "My girlfriend and I, we got a rescue." "Uh, we're very good people." "And he's four, too, so it's, like, really a rescue." "Feels really good." "Not every rescue dog you can brag about rescuing some..." "I have a friend who just got a three-month-old puppy." "The most beautiful thing I've ever seen." "Looks like it was sculpted by Michelangelo." "I would throw my dog into the river to get this dog." "And he's like, "I rescued a dog."" "You didn't rescue." "You-you won a dog." "You rescued him." "You rescued him from the Westminster Dog Show, where he was about to be murdered by gold medals." "Irescued a dog!" "He's four!" "He has a collapsing trachea, and he spends most of the day trying to lick the inside of my mouth off." "I don't let him." "He's a good dog." "We got him from a shelter that we chose because it was the only shelter we found that didn't want to come do a home check, which is very popular and very insulting to me, as a guy trying to do a good thing for an old dog." "They want to come over to your house and look around and make sure your house, where you live, uh, is good enough for what is currently a homeless dog." "(cheering and applause)" "He's a cool dog." "He's chill." "He doesn't, you know, make a big deal about stuff." "If he needs to poop, he doesn't bark or scratch at the door." "He just goes behind the couch and poops." "Leaves me out of it." "I appreciate it." "He's cool." "I think the most interesting fact about my dog is that he is actually a girl." "Um..." "It's a twist." "I know." "I call him a boy all the time, uh, because who cares?" "I think it's weird when people ask me if my dog's a boy or a girl." "My only response is, "Why?" "What are you plannin'?"" "My dog's gender is gonna be an issue for you." "You're no longer allowed to dogsit." "That's what I say." "I, uh..." "I travel a lot, uh, for work." "I'm a welder." "Uh..." "Nah, nah, it's-it's this." "Um, I was recently in Atlanta." "And on the third day, uh, of being in Atlanta," "I was texting with my girlfriend, who lives back in New York, uh, and she texted, "I'm so horny."" "And, uh, that's our little code for her to let me know that she issohorny." "So I saw it." "I was like, "Oh, well, she's horny."" "And then, uh, she texted, "I want to have sex!"" "You know, from New York." "And then I texted back," ""Don't!"" "Oh, no." "Don't do that." "Why'd you tell me that?" "I can't help." "Great, my girlfriend's horny in New York!" "I don't think she cheated on me, so we are still together." "Uh, I met her parents recently for the first time, and it was over a three-day weekend." "I did not know that when I booked it." "Thought it was just the regular one, but it was three days." "Long time." "I, uh..." "But you got to put in the work, you know, when you meet the parents." "You can't be yourself." "Nobody wants that." "You got to change everything." "You got to prove to them that you're uncomfortable." "That's all they want." "They want you to hate it." "Uh, so the whole time, you know, I-I went through the hoops." "I wore a full tux the whole weekend, all three days." "I slept in it, I ate in it, I..." "I showered in it." "Um..." "And, uh, here's what I did." "Here's a tip." "I bought an oversized Bible, and then, the whole weekend, I was just getting caught in different rooms reading it." ""Oh." "You got me again."" ""Oh." "Can I get some privacy with this Bible?" ""I can't put it down!" ""Great book that I love!" ""A lot of great lessons in there on how to treat a woman."" "(applause) So..." "Pretty violent book." "Um..." "I'm at that age in my life where, over the past few years, I've been to many weddings, because everyone is finding their soul mates." "Uh, soul mates, if you don't know, uh, are, uh... is the person you happen to be dating when you turn 30." "(laughter)" "So you do your best, you know?" "You date as much as possible." "Then the timer goes off and you're like," ""Aw, damn it!" ""It's you, yeah." "Forever." ""We screwed up." "We screwed up." My..." "People don't look hard enough, you know?" "If you..." "You know, it's just..." "Nobody dates enough people." "There's not enough time." "I'm never happy with my friends' choices." "It's never..." "I'm never hanging out with a friend of mine and then his girlfriend shows up and it's better." "Never." "It's never once happened." "You know, you're just having fun with your friend, and his girlfriend shows up, you'll be like,"Oh!" "Great!" "Cool!" "You got invited."" "You turn to your friend." "I was like," ""I was wondering what it would be like" ""if suddenly all of your opinions changed just like this." ""Cool." "Cool." "Yeah, fun new dynamic."" "(laughs)" "You ever hang out with a couple, and it's just the two of them and you, and then they start fighting in front of you like you're not there, but you are there?" "And you're in a car?" "It sucks." "There's nothing you can do." "Except open the door and roll out." "I do..." "It's uncomfortable, historically, but not for me." "Not anymore." "I've had enough, and I've flipped the rules." "Now, if I'm hanging out with a couple, and they start fighting in front of me," "I just pick a side and jump in." ""Oh, yeah!" ""Yeah!" ""What are we fighting about?" "!" ""You don't listen, Karen!" "High-five." "Yeah."" "Same team." "(applause and cheering)" "I recently lost 45 pounds." "Not a big deal." "Shut up about it." "Shut up!" "Shut up!" "(applause and cheering) Oh, yeah." "Oh, I swear, man, I'm still obese." "It's... it's a marathon." "Um, speaking of, I started..." "I tried to lose weight." "I started last year, um, by running." "I didn't change my diet at all." "I just started to run almost every day, and I was just like, "Something's gonna happen."" "And, uh, it did." "I got very hungry." "Hungrier than usual, and I ended up gaining five pounds over seven months of running, which is the opposite of what I wanted." "Uh, I just, uh..." "So I had to quit running for my health." "Um, I smoke weed." "It's fine." "I've, uh... (applause and cheering) I've, uh... yeah." "I've, um..." "I flirted with, uh, quitting, uh, but then I decided...ah." "Mm." "Ah." "It's fine." "It's not really a problem for me, uh, in my life of doing this." "I don't have anything to do really." "Uh..." "My days are pretty open." "And no one's ever mad at me that I was too high." "No one's mad that I was, like, too high when I dropped my kids off at school, you know?" "'Cause I don't have any kids." "And I don't have a car." "So, I just get high, and I walk around schools." "(applause)" "Manicured lawns." "It's nice." "Um, I'm not high all the time, but I am high all the times you're supposed to be high, you know." "Like 3-D movies." "That's-that's your duty." "Concerts, of course." "Um, federal holidays." "If it's your birthday." "Um... if it's, like, a three-day weekend." "Oh, if it's a two-day weekend." "If you find some on the ground." "Um, God put it there." "Or-or especially if a girl asks you to smoke pot, always say yes." "I'm not saying that every time a girl asked me to smoke pot it ended up in us having sex, but I am saying, it happened once." "Yeah." "I'm not willing to close the door on that." "Um, it's tough." "I quit smoking cigarettes." "That was... that was easy." "Quitting smoke cigarettes is so much easier than quitting smoking weed." "'Cause with cigarettes, there's no romance, you know?" "There's no reminiscing about all the good times you had... on cigarettes." "I was there like, "You remember, buddy?" "We each threw in on a carton."" ""You remember?" "You know?" ""Yeah, we just drove to the lake." "You don't remember that story?"" ""That story sucks." "That's not a story." ""Nothing happened." "You got a pretty low threshold for what a story is."" "A story is, uh, something like," ""Remember that time we each took three bong hits, then went to 7-11, and then forgot what money was?"" "That's a story." "I had to ask the cashier, "How do I make your Slurpee..." ""...my Slurpee?" ""I'm out of ideas, man." ""I just want that Slurpee..." "so bad." ""Do I just take it?" ""Is that illegal?" ""I'm confused." ""Money." "Yes, I am high." "Um..."" "I, uh..." "I was talking to my friend-- he's one of these guys-- couple of weeks ago." "I got a real, you know, lothario." "He, uh... he came over to me, and he's like, "Hey, man." "You know that girl I've been banging for the past week?"" "And I was like..." "He's just..." "He talks..." "That's not a quote." "He talks like that." "Um, and I..." "I went back to him." "I said, uh..." "I was like, "Yeah, I know that girl you've been giving it to."" "I'm worse." "I'm registered." "And then he was like, "Yeah, you know that girl" "I've been digging a hole in?"" "And-and, I was like..." "I was like, "Yeah, I know that girl you've been punching downstairs."" "And-and... um..." "And then, that went on for over an hour and a half, uh, until, uh, he had to go to work, so..." "Never did find out what he wanted." "Pretty sure he's in love." "Um, I had a very sexy thumb infection, and I went to the hospital, and they found I didn't have insurance right away." "Uh, they asked, and I told them." "Um..." "So they put me in a room for five hours before the doctor came in to see me." "Five hours I was in that room alone." "Uh, and on hour three, this guy just pops his head in." "He's like, "Hey, while you wait, would you like an AIDS test?"" ""Who sent you?" ""I'm here for my thumb." ""Mm... yeah, actually I do." "I do want an AIDS test."" "I always say yes." "I love 'em." "Um..." "You know, it's like if somebody offers you a piece of gum, you know, whether you want it or not-- maybe your breath stinks-- take the gum." "So if somebody offers me an AIDS test, oh, maybe they see something I don't, so..." "So, yes, do it." "And then he swabs my mouth, and he leaves, and then, ten minutes later, he returns, which I thought was super quick for AIDS results." "Sounds pretty important, and..." "So he come back in." "This is how he delivers the news." "He goes, "Hey!" "You're good."" "(laughter)" "What?" "He left." "I didn't..." "We never spoke another word." "I don't know what that means." "I prefer my AIDS results way less ambiguous." "Maybe say my name?" "Uh, maybe say the words, "You don't have AIDS."" "Any of that is preferable to, "Hey!" "I'm the Fonzie doctor."" "Nobody wants that guy." "They want the real doctor." "Also, I have no idea if that guy worked there." "He wasn't wearing scrubs or anything." "He was just a guy in a T-shirt walking around the hospital, swabbing peoples' mouths." "He could havegivenme AIDS for all I know." ""Hey." ""You're good." ""You got AIDS." "Yeah!" "High five!"" ""Johnny Apple AIDS."" "Cool new superhero." "Um..." "I was recently, uh, throwing some trash in a subway trash can in New York." "And, uh, I accidentally dropped my phone, and then, for the next five minutes," "I just stared at the trash can, just considering my new life with no phone that I'll be forced to live." "I don't..." "It's too gross!" "It was awful." "It, uh..." "it went right to the bottom." "A phone doesn't rest on top." "I had to leave my feet to dive into the trash can." "Just my feet in the air." "And then, once you're in a trash can, I mean, there's a lot of things happening." "Uh, but, most importantly, you've blocked all available light, and you're just searching around blindly." ""Is that my phone?" "That's a banana peel." ""Is that my..." "That's another banana peel." "Is that m..." "Who's eating all these bananas?" "!"" "I found it, and then I got out of the trash can." "And then once I'm out, I realize it's rush hour, and there are just 1,000 people staring at me dig through the trash." "I was like, "The only way I can save face is if I pretend my son has been kidnapped."" "I was like, "I found the phone!" "What's next, you monster?" "!"" ""Meet you at the South Street Seaport?" "Give me back my son!"" "Then I ran away." "I ran." "Um, I was reading this story last year, uh, out of Ohio." "There's this woman who owns an apartment complex in Ohio, and at the apartment complex there's a pool." "And at the pool, someone had put up a sign..." ""Someone." It was her." "She put up a sign that read, "Whites only."" "At the pool." "Yeah, it's..." "This joke's a slow one." "(laughter) Um..." "It's very not funny at first." "So..." ""Whites only." That's why there was an article about it." "And then in the article, there's a quote from her defending herself, and her quote is, uh, "The sign is an antique." "Yes, I'm racist, but I'm notthatracist."" "Which is a little funny, but we're not quite there yet." "So, I'm just reading this article, and I'm like," ""What is..." "How is this still happening" ""in today's day and age?" "This is awful." "But at least it's happening in Ohio, where no one ever goes."" "Uh, it's not happening in the cool blue state of New York where I live, where, as everyone knows," "Spike Lee eradicated racism 20 years ago with his film Do the Right Thing." "In Brooklyn." "So, I live in Brooklyn, and everything's a racial utopia." "Or so I thought." "Because, uh, right after reading that article, I went to my buddy's house, who lives in Brooklyn, and someone had put up in his lobby a sign that said," ""A white woman's bike was stolen from this lobby."" "And then a phone number." "(smacks lips)" "And that sign was done, y'all." "That's it." ""A white woman..." That's all it said." "So, a-a woman's bike got stolen, and then they sat down, like, "All right, well, we got to write a sign," ""and we got to include all the pertinent information." ""So, let's see, you're white." ""So we'll put that in there." ""And I can't think of anything else." "That sign is done."" "So they put it on the wall." ""A white woman's bike."" ""White woman's bike." Just a sign wearing a wifebeater." "I've never seen anything like it." "I read that sign over and over and over, each time being like, "It couldn't have said that." "I'm gonna read it one more ti..." "Oh, goddamn it!"" "There's, like, a group of people forming behind me, being like, "Yeah, read it one more time." "I read it." "Doesn't look like they're gonna get that bike back."" ""White woman's bike."" ""White-white..."" "The word "white" had been underlined twice." "So what the sign actually read was," ""A white, white, whitewoman's bike."" "Ooh, this woman was so white." "White, white, white." "You could see through this woman." "She needs that bike." ""White woman's bike."" ""White woman's bike." I couldn't believe it." "And then I read it a one millionth time." "And then suddenly it dawned on me." ""Oh..."" ""Oh." (cheering and applause)" "(chuckles)" ""Oh, thebikeis white." ""Oh..." ""That's a 'E.' Okay, 'whitewomen'sbike.'" ""Yeah." "I was bringing a lot of baggage to that." "Sorry about that." Thank you so much, everybody!" "Captioning sponsored by TRIAGE ENTERTAINMENT GROUP" "Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org" "â™ª â™ª"