"[music playing]" "NARRATOR:" "On the distant planet of Snerd, to enforce the prohibition of sexual activity, the government created the Limp-Tron 69, a device that controls the planet's gravitational pull." "This causes the people to lose all interest in any sexual activity and renders their organs in a perpetual state of flaccidity." "This gives the planetary government the ability to rule a sexless planet." "However, this gravitational system does not work on all creatures." "The Interplanetary Court of Morality is now in session." "The Honorable Judge Melvin P. Enis presiding." "Counselor, your clients are accused of being in direct violation of the planet's strict rules prohibiting sexual acts of any kind." "How do these things plead?" "Not guilty, Your Honor." "What?" "Oh, no, no, no." "[grumble]" "Oh." "Your Honor, these three creatures are foreign to our planet." "Their DNA is unaffected by the Limp-Tron 69." "Upon further research... [laughing]" "Order!" "I will have order!" "I apologize, Your Honor." "If I may continue..." "You may not, counselor." "There are vile and disgusting creatures, and I want to know nothing about them." "Your Honor, they weren't caught doing anything wrong." "Their ship crashed on our planet during the DO Showers." "It is my opinion we send them back home." "Oh." "Your opinion?" "Your opinion means huggabaloo to me." "I know exactly what they are and where they come from, and I'm sentencing them to termination." "Judge, you can't sentence them to death just because of where they're from." "Is that right, Cass Coridore?" "In that case, I find you guilty of being a sexual sympathizer, and I'm sentencing you 10 Snerdian years of hard labor at the Third Moon Prison." "For what?" "Doing my job as a space lawyer?" "Now it's 20 Snerdian years." "Maybe that will toughen you up and make you watch your queer mouth." "[laughing] [farting]" "Oh, my." "Oh!" "Get them out of my face." "Oh!" "I hate the Chubbies." "Oh!" "Fucking perverts." "[beeping]" "Yeah, this is Holy Driver 1, requesting permission to engage off of Snerd." "CONTROL:" "Oh, one moment, Holy Driver 1." "We have some late arrivals for you." "What have we got?" "Three turds and a piece of shit." "Get in the cage." "Where are they going?" "I got deliveries to make." "Straight to the Third Moon Prison Planet for termination." "I'm not to be terminated." "Shut up, pedophile." "I'm not a pedophile." "I'm a lawyer." "One more word out of you, and you'll be kissing your own ass in your dreams." "What does that even mean?" "Oh, I'm warning you, boy." "(WHISPERING) Listen, I don't think it's fair what they're going to do to you, so I'm going to let you guys out." "[cough]" "Got it." "Pucker up, butterscotch." "[thud]" "All right, are you done in here?" "Oh, yeah, I'm done." "Then get the fuck off my ship." "You don't have to be rude about it." "Beam!" "This is Holy Driver 1, requesting permission yet again to take off from Snerd to the Third" "Moon Prison Planet." "CONTROL:" "Permission granted." "Thanks, Pussy Lips." "[Chubbies snickering]" "CHUBBY:" "Get this faggot." "[alarm blaring]" "What are you doing?" "Stop!" "Hey, come back." "Bye bye." "I was trying to help you." "I was trying to help you!" "Fuck you!" "[glass breaking] [zapping]" "Uh." "Uh, this is Cass Coridore to Planet Snerd." "The pilot's dead." "I don't know how to fly a ship." "The pilot's dead." "It looks like his dick has been eaten off." "I didn't eat his dick off." "I think the Chubbies were the ones involved." "They got loose." "Uh, please send help." "Send help." "Help." "Again, I did not bite his dick off." "It was not me." "Help!" "Escape pod." "Judge Enis." "Oh, Judge Enis." "Go away." "I'm busy." "Those little creatures have escaped." "I care not." "They are en route to Planet Earth, oh." "Oh!" "Get me the General." "The Chubbies must be destroyed." "The Chubbies must be destroyed!" "[music playing]" "[indistinct chatter]" "Sam." "Sam, come here." "I want you to check this video out." "I found this brand new video store." "They rent foreign imports." "What?" "Seriously?" "Yeah, yeah." "I got it queued up to the best spot." "I heard it's banned in America." "[scream]" "And now, I'm going to squirt my first load at you." "[scream]" "What is this?" "What the bowling ball is this?" "I know." "This is disgusting, Eddie." "Why are we watching this?" "What the hell are you guys doing?" "Moody's still here." "Just watching a video, man." "Moody doesn't like this crap." "Oh my god." "Tom, get your ass in here." "Shit." "MOODY (ON TV):" "Welcome to Moody's Bowl-O-Rama!" "We have more balls than any other bowling alley in the state." "Bowling's not your game?" "Try pocket pool." "Hey, kids, we have video games like Ms. Pac-Man and Caligula." "[knock on door]" "Uh, you wanted to see me, Mr. Moody?" "MOODY (ON TV):" "We have new Coke." "Tom." "Have a seat." "Would you care for a piece of candy?" "Uh, no." "I think I'll pass." "[chuckle]" "Now, as you know, it's Halloween." "So I have to get the fuck out of here, and I'm leaving you in charge." "Well, I'm honored you trust me so much, Mr. Moody." "I don't." "But you're a little less retarded than the other idiots" "I have working here." "Thanks all the same." "Now, I know I don't need to remind you, but if you or if any of your little faggot friends are in here past midnight, you'll be locked in until I come back in the morning." "Don't worry, Mr. Moody." "We'll be out of here by 11:00 tops." "Good, because I'll be setting the security system when I leave." "This sweet baby cost me an arm and a leg." "State of the art in bowling alley security systems." "[beeping] I've got lasers on every door and every window." "Guaranteed to keep the darkies out after dark." "Once I put the code in this baby, we're on lockdown." "Well, don't worry, Mr. Moody." "You can count on me." "[beeping]" "Well?" "Get the hell out of here and run my bowling alley." "I have got treats to pass out to the little kiddies." "Yes, sir." "Uh, Happy Halloween, Mr. Moody." "You fucker." "So long, Mr. Moody." "Happy Halloween, pricks." "I've never seen Moody leave so quickly." "Yeah, or happy." "Ever." "Moody hates kids." "Why is he so excited for Halloween?" "Because Halloween is the one day a year he can fuck with the neighborhood kids and get away with it." " Some beer." "The kids, they think they're going to prank him, but he always booby traps his own yard." "The other year, some kids were going to egg his front porch." "But he built this see-through trampoline thing that shot the eggs back, so the kids ended up egging themselves." " Beer!" "And then the next year, they were going to TP that tree he has in his front yard." "But he spent the entire year filling the tree with bats that he trained to attack at the sight of toilet paper." "Fuck." "Yeah." "I heard he baked his own shit, and then wrapped the turds up in Tootsie Roll wrappers." "That is why he loves Halloween, and tonight is the only night he leaves early." "It's also the same reason we're going to have the Halloween party here tonight." "Get with the fucking beer." "You want your damn beer?" "Here it comes." "You want your fucking drink?" "Here's your fucking drink." "Get the fuck out of my bar." "Fuck!" "I'm soaking wet like a squid's pussy." "Ugh." "Fuck!" "I think I'm in love." "That chick would destroy you." "Charlie, don't smoke so much, man." "Gotta save some for the party." "Lay off me, baby." "I had a bad day, you know?" "My old man's such a dick." "He don't understand me." "Won't you calm down?" "Let me take care of you for a bit." "Pfft, whatever." "No one understands me." "I understand you." "You only understand my fat wank." "[unzipping] [moan]" "Man." "My old man is such a dick." "You know, every day, he asks me, are you going to the Halloween party today, son?" "He thinks it's a real laugh riot the way I dress." "Well, of all days holy, you know what he says to me on Halloween?" "He says, are you going to the library tonight, son, to do some studying?" "And I says to him, no, man, I'm going to the Halloween party." "What do you think about that?" "And you know what he says to me?" "Hm?" "He says, have fun studying at the library, son." "God, can you believe that bullshit?" "[ufo zipping by overhead]" "Holy shit!" " Are you about to come?" " No." "Stop sucking my dick." "Look, I just saw a UFO crash." "[laugh]" "You are so high." "I'm serious over here." "Holy shit, there's another one." "Come on, let's go check it out." "No, I'm not finished." "And we gotta go to the Halloween party." "You horny slut." "Grab the video camera." "Come on." "We'll tape this, and we'll try selling it to the news." "We can probably make like $500, Maybe even more." "Come on, let's go." "Fine." "[beeping] [coughing]" "This is Cass Coridore." "I seem to have landed on a Snerdian-like planet." "Cass, this is General Teabag." "Are the Chubbies with you?" "No." "They escaped in a pod." "They have to be destroyed." "I am handling it, Melvin." "Cass, I know you're just a simple space lawyer, and you're just doing your job, but trust me, those Chubbies are dangerous." "How dangerous are they?" "Let's just say that the people of Earth are a sexually driven species." "The Chubbies know this." "If they come in contact with an Earth human, they can use their body as an avatar by invading their anal cavity." "Once inside, the Chubbies take over their body and can even spawn multiple Chubbies." "If they succeed, they could invade every Earth anus in less than two Snerdian weeks." "Would you like some space tea?" "I'm a bit thirsty." "Yes, that's fine." "Dammit, Enis, I'm in the middle of something important here." "Well, my apologies." "I'll, uh..." "I'll get Rape Bot to bring me some tea." "Rape Bot, tea, please." "How do I find them?" "Inside the escape pod should be two fully charged space laser guns, and your communicator doubles as a tracking device to locate them." "It's quite simple, really." "What's in this for me?" "Enis sent me to a prison camp." "And I'll do it again, you little shit!" "I outrank Enis on this planet." "Cass, know that any charges brought against you will be dropped." "And then we will send a ship to locate you and bring you back home." "But only if you succeed." "[mechanical whirring]" "Oh, oh, oh!" "Rape Bot, get off of me!" "Shit." "Dammit, Enis." "Why would you call in Rape Bot to bring you space tea?" "I thought we reprogrammed him to be our butler." "Rape Bot has one job, and business is good." "Rape business." "General." "I'll do it." "Don't let us down, Coridore." "The fate of these two planets depends on you." "Keep us updated." "[pew]" "CHARLIE:" "Come on, baby." "I don't want to argue." "Just follow the smoke." "We're almost there." "RUTH ANNE:" "We're trespassing." "CHARLIE:" "So what?" "We need the money anyway." "You know, you really need to start respecting me more." "I'm out here, aren't I?" "Look, whatever, babe." "Look, we're going to make so much money off this stinkin' UFO." "We're going to sell it to the news, hell, maybe even "Time" magazine." "And then I'll shove that video in my old man's face and say, guess the world digs my videos, Dad." "Happy Halloween." "Holy dog shit." "Aha, you see?" "I told you there was a UFO." "Go on, go on and start taping." "Hold on." "Let me get this thing working." "Ruth Anne, I swear, if you ruin this for me, I'll... [crunch]" "What, Charlie?" "You'll do what, huh?" "All right." "It's working." "Taking video now." "Stop having a temper tantrum." "Charlie?" "Charlie?" "Oh my god." "Charlie?" "Charlie?" "Charlie?" "Charlie?" "[gurgling]" "[fart]" "I want to mostly get Butterfingers because that's the best candy in the world, you know?" "I can't believe that last house gave us raisins." "Who does that on Halloween?" "Stupid old people." "For sure." "I hate it also when they like, serve granola bars." "That's not candy." "I know." "Why aren't we stopping here, guys?" "Dude, do you not know?" "That's Old Man Moody's house." "Yeah, we don't want to stop here." "Hey, let's go across the street." "There's a house that gives away king-sized candy bars." "You guys are being pussies." "Halloween is about getting the most free candy you can." "It's not worth it, man." "I'm not afraid of some old dick." "Just watch and learn." "Trick or treat." "Well, hello, little boy." "And what are you supposed to be?" "A gay cheetah?" "No." "I'm the Goblin King." "Well, of course, you are." "I haven't seen you around here before." "Are you all by yourself?" "My friends are on the sidewalk." "Can we just get to the candy?" "Ah, is that little Johnny Morgan and his brother Joey?" "Hello, boys." "Happy Halloween." "Piss off, Moody." "Yes, piss indeed." "I got something for you, young man." "See this football?" "This became mine when your little friends kicked it into my yard last spring." "I love it so much." "I gave it to my kitty cat, Mr. Rumsfeld, to use as a urinal." "It's filled with cat piss." "[splashing]" "There's even a couple of Mr. Rumsfeld's little turds in there for your added Halloween enjoyment." "My candy's ruined!" "Happy Halloween, you little shithead." "Come back next year." "You're all invited." "Tell them Moody sent you." "[laugh]" "Did you at least get our football back?" "Screw you guys." "[muffled music playing]" "Hello, Moody Jr." "Are you done yet?" "Everyone is almost here for the party." "Listen, you little faggot." "I'm counting more money here than you've ever seen in your life." "Now get the fuck out of here, but get me a beer first." "We should just take the money and run." "I swear, that kind of money, we could open up our own bowling place and not have to answer to Moody." "Where's my beer, you little thief?" "What are you supposed to be?" "A gay swashbuckler?" "Uh, no." "I'm obviously the Goblin King." "You're kidding, right?" "I'm obviously the Goblin King." "Hey, guys." "I could really use your help." "People are starting to show up for the party." "So are you just going to keep staring at my tits?" "I'm not." "I mean... shit, wait, what?" "People are here for the party already?" "I didn't hear the bell." "What door are they coming in?" "The back door." "Shit!" "Hey, Sam." "Uh... nice costume." "You too, Diamond Dave." "Goblin King." "You like my new tunes?" "I love them." "You're so warm." "I'm so cold right now." "I'm such an idiot." "I'm barely wearing any clothes right now." "I can warm you up." "No problem." "This door is off limits." "Whoa." "Sorry, dude." "We saw the door was propped open and decided to come this way." "Seriously, we have to leave it open at all times." "Why?" "Because Moody has a lockdown time, and it goes from midnight to 8:00 AM." "And if this door's closed at 11:49, we're not opening it at 12:01." "So whatever you need to do, we can't get back in." "You can't go to your car." "You can't go to smoke." "You can't do anything until we all leave, OK?" "What are you talking about, dude?" "Nobody's going outside to smoke when we have the inside." "That's fucking stupid." "I'm being serious, guys." "OK, dude, we got it." "Don't close this door." "OK, now let's go party." "Yes." "Party time." "Fine." "I guess I'll stay here and make a sign for the stragglers." "[music playing]" "[groaning]" "CHUBBY:" "Hey, it's dark in here. [laugh]" "Hey, hey, hey." "Have you guys seen a Chubby tonight?" "What the fuck did you just say to my kids?" "I'm just asking them if they've seen a Chubby." "You're asking my kids if they've seen your chubby?" "Well, no." "It's not my Chubbies." "I mean, I did try to get the Chubbies off." "But now, I understand how dangerous they are." "Listen, pal, you're cruising for a bruising." "Hey, I'm just looking out for you people of Earth." "The Chubbies are here to invade your anal cavity." "That's it, pal." "[thud]" "All right, let's get the fuck out of here." "[knock on door]" "Trick or treat." "Well, if it isn't little Timmy from next door." "I've got something really special for you." "I made these little treats with help of your doggie who likes to take dumps on my lawn every day." "Make sure you share them with your parents." "Thank you, Mr. Moody." "Oh, you're welcome." "You enjoy those Tootsie Poops." "I mean, Pops." "[laugh]" "Trick or treat." "Well, aren't you a pretty little princess?" "And who's this?" "Wonder Woman?" "Well, girls, I'm sorry, but Old Moody's all out of treats." "But I do have a trick." "[screaming]" "Happy Halloween, you little brats." "Come back and see Moody again next year." "A nice little treat for me?" "Don't mind if I do." "Ah, another successful Halloween for Mr. Moody." "[meow]" "Well, let's see what's on the old boob tube." "[banjo playing on tv]" "Halloween only comes once a year." "Kind of like Mr. Moody." "You're not scared, 'cause I'm Sheriff motherfucking Gary." "[gunshots]" "[music playing]" "Shouldn't Charlie and Ruth Anne be here by now?" "They're probably at Make Out Point getting high right now." "Or Charlie got grounded by his pops." "No way, man." "Mr. Brewster's the coolest." "I don't know why Charlie hates him so much." "(MOCKING) 'Cause my old man just don't understand me, man." "Fuck you." "[laughter]" "General, the President of the United States on Earth in 1986 is on the space communicator." "Oh, mother of Snerd." "Fork down, Enis." "I have a long rapport with all the world leaders of Planet Earth." "Put him through." "[static]" "Mr. President, salutations." "Just level with me." "Just level with me." "I don't want to forget to duck." "Is there any truth to the Chubbies invading... invading our beautiful country in a thousand points of light?" "Yes, Mr. President, it is true." "But we have one of our best on a kill-all mission, so..." "Good god, General, don't you know that I've got a lot to do?" "We've got to punish those homosexuals for getting AIDS, and we've got the War on Drugs, General." "I can't go around worrying about an invasion... an invasion." "Please, Mr. Mars Man, tear down that satellite." "Do not stress about this, Mr. President." "It'll get done." "The three Chubbies will be disintegrated in no time." "Well, I'd hate to end our trade deal." "I just love..." "I love all those Snerdian jelly beans." "Yeah, so does Nancy." "And, you know, we do love your enriched uranium and your nerve gas." "Oh, also oxygen." "Yes, we cannot live without that oxygen, so, yeah, keep that coming." "Very good, General." "And God bless America." "God bless Reaganomics." "And did you get a chance to look at those videotapes I sent you?" "Videotapes?" "Uh." "Oh!" "Yes, the Hollywood movies featuring you and a monkey." "Yes." "Yes, that's it." "Yes, that's it." "President Nixon and I watched it together." "We were on our knees, praying the whole time." "[awkward laugh]" "Remarkable work, sir." "It's no wonder the people of America have elected you to be the supreme leader." "Yes, there are plenty more videotapes where that came from, General." "But you need to return them tomorrow because I've got to send them back to the Pentagon." "Their video collection is much in demand these days." "Big missiles and heat-seeking, wet, lushness, hard missiles." "Yeah." "You know..." "Uh..." "I..." "I believe Rape Bot is still watching them right now." "I think Rape Bot is still watching them right now." "Hold on one second." "Let me find out." "I'll call him." "Rape Bot?" "Rape Bot, can you bring us the President's films?" "Could you bring in the President's films for us, please?" "[mechanical whirring]" "Rape Bot, what have you done with the President's films?" "I have repeatedly raped them." "Oh!" "Oh!" "Get off of me!" "Get off of me!" "Dammit!" "[moaning]" "Kill all the homos." "Kill them, kill them all." "They got AIDS as punishment." "That's what it's all about." "God is punishing the bad people, including those interstellar Chubbies." "[moaning]" "I'm getting a bad feeling about this, General." "That's probably because I got Alzheimer's and I can't stop farting. [fart] But Nancy likes the farting." "[fart] And one more thing, General, destroy those Chubbies." "Oh, yeah." "Chubbies delenda est." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Yes, yes, yes." "Right away, Mr. President." "Right away, sir." "Dammit, Enis." "Why is Rape Bot still on this ship?" "Rape Bot can take a hint." "[mechanical whirring]" "You know, you just hurt Rape Bot's feelings." "Hey, man." "This is awesome." "We have to have more parties here." "Well, yeah, sure." "And I went to the doctor, and it ends up I wasn't pregnant after all." "You know, I think I'm ready to make a move on Samantha." "[groan]" "You sure you want to do that, boss?" "I mean, when she turns you down, it's going to be awkward at work." "Thank you." "Cheers." "All right." "I thought about that, but it's a chance I'm willing to take." "Well, if she says yes and becomes your girl or whatever," "I'm going to feel real guilty every time" "I masturbate to the thought of her luscious tits." "I mean, she's the girl for me, I know it." "I'm 17 years old." "Next year, I'm going to college." "I don't want to spend the rest of my life regretting not asking her out." "Well, with any luck, you won't have to leave this place a virgin, huh?" "Cheers." "Hey, Sam." "You got a minute?" "Yeah." "Thank you so much." "That was by far the dumbest conversation I've ever had." "So what's up?" "I..." "I just wanted to say hi." "Um, hi." "Hi." "Uh, I mean, are you having fun at the party?" "Yeah, it's pretty rad, but I could be a lot drunker." "So is something on your mind?" "Yeah, you know, we've been working together for the past year and hanging out a lot at school." "It's just been really cool getting to know you." "You're pretty cool too, Tom." "Most guys really just want to fuck me." "[awkward laugh]" "Well, Samantha, you know, being around you just kind of makes me feel like a kid at Christmas." "You see a preview for a toy you want on TV." "You just see the commercial over and over." "And then Christmas comes, and you see the box under the tree." "It's the same size and shape of the toy you want." "But you don't want to wait until Christmas." "Yeah, so you open it before Christmas just to see what it is." "Exactly." "So with that in mind, I just want to tell you..." "Charlie, Ruth Anne, it's about time." "We were worried about you." "You guys are so lucky." "This place is going on shut down in 15 minutes." "Holy shit." "You guys are so high." "Party." "Fuck yeah, I want to party." "Let's spark it." "Hey, were we done talking about Christmas?" "Uh, yeah, that's all." "All right, cool." "Hm, pussed out, didn't you?" "Buzz off." "[banjo playing on tv]" "MAN (ON TV):" "Help me, Sheriff Gary." "Help me." "[laugh] [meow]" "Oh, he really got him good that time, eh, Mr. Rumsfeld?" "Rumsy, where are you?" "You're missing this good movie." "GARY (ON TV):" "I'll shoot you right now, motherfucker." "[gunshots]" "Hushed up another one, Moody." "You're still the big dick shit kicker you always were." "GARY (ON TV):" "Now don't be afraid now, little lady." "Why don't you just come over here and give me a kiss?" "Oh, watch out now. [gunshots]" "Good movie, eh, Mr. Rumsfeld?" "GARY (ON TV):" "I've taken out every goon from El Paso to Del Rey." "[crash]" "What the fuck?" "What in the hell is going on?" "I'm trying to have a nice, peaceful evening on Halloween, and there's all this... what is this?" "Cum?" "There's faggots in my house." "Fucking faggots." "I've got a Louisville slugger here, and I will shove it right up your faggoty asses." "Wouldn't you like that?" "Show yourselves, faggots." "Where are you?" "Holy fuck!" "Get back here, shit heel." "Where'd you go?" "Where are you?" "Show your slimy little ass so I can blast you into outer space." "Well, hello." "And goodbye, tiny faggot." "[thud]" "Oh, you little bastard." "[laugh]" "Mr. Rumsfeld!" "Why didn't you meow to me?" "[sobbing]" "Where'd you go, you little faggot?" "Where are you?" "You can't hide from Moody very long." "[crunch]" "Oh!" "Oh, no, you don't." "Get out of my ass, you little fucking dick." "Get out of my ass." "I'll shit you out." "Nobody fucks Moody." "[grunting] [farting]" "Get out of my ass, demon!" "[sloshing]" "I'm a faggot!" "[music playing]" "[clank] [thud]" "Did you just hear something?" "It was probably the sound of my beating heart." "What?" "Nothing, nothing." "Do you want another beer?" "[beeping]" "[scream]" "Whoa!" "Whoa, man." "This is like, a private party." "Whoa, man." "Put the gun down." "You're safe." "Everything's fine, right, guys?" "Yeah, it's cool." "It's cool." "[gurgling]" "Whoa, what..." "Charlie?" "[pew] [explosion]" "Hold still, you psycho." "Someone grab his gun." "Sam, get some rope." "CASS:" "Get off me!" "There's more Chubbies!" "I told you to shut up, man." "Get him in the chair." "[squirming]" "What the fuck, man." "This guy just blew Charlie's head off." "I got Charlie's blood all over my fucking boom box." "God dammit, Wendel." "Who gives a fuck about your stupid ass boom box?" "Put it down and help us." "Who the hell is this guy?" "I don't know." "I've never seen him before." "How the hell did he get in here?" "I thought the doors locked at midnight." "They were... oh, shit." "No, no, no, no, no!" "What is it?" "We're locked in." "He locked us in." "Let's just call the cops." "OK." "[chomping]" "You guys, the phone lines are down." "Fuck it." "Break a window." "We can't." "Moody just installed triple bulletproof glass windows." "Oh, dammit." "Yep, we're fucked." "This fucking place." "Moody's going to kill me." "You need to calm down too, all right, Tom?" "I don't think I can." "There's blood everywhere." "Charlie's dead." "There's no way out." "I've never had an anxiety attack, but I'm pretty sure I'm having one now." "I think this is what it feels like." "Samantha, I love you." "I don't mean to say it like this, but I'm pretty sure we're all dying." "I just love you, and I want you to know that, all right?" "[smack]" "Calm the fuck down." "Thank you." "We all need to calm the fuck down." "Ruth Anne, she looks kind of collected for her boyfriend just getting shot in the face." "Well, he was kind of a dick." "Focus up." "Does anyone have like, a satellite phone?" "Oh, yeah, but I left it out in my $20,000 Corvette." "Who do you think I am?" "Daddy Warbucks?" "I'm just asking, Wendel." "I have to destroy the Chubbies." "Excuse me, who are you, and why the fuck did you kill Charlie?" "That wasn't your friend." "He was invaded by a Chubby." "I'm going to kick this guy's butt." "Wait." "He's tied up." "He can't hurt us." "Who are you?" "My name's Cass Coridore." "I'm from the Planet Snerd, and I'm on a mission to track and kill the Chubbies." "Let me go so I can do my job." "Where's my space lasers?" "WENDEL:" "This guy is nuts." "So you expect us to believe that you're an alien chasing after other aliens?" "Give me a break, dude." "If you're an alien, why do you look like us?" "Planet Snerd has the same molecular structure as your Planet Earth." "We have a sun." "We breathe oxygen." "We just don't have sex." "It's been outlawed." "So women are artificially inseminated." "WENDEL:" "So you don't fuck?" "No wonder this guy's a maniac." "I don't like this." "Let's just get out of here." "Well, we could if spaceman didn't lock us in." "What are these Chubbies you keep talking about?" "The Chubbies are three awful creatures that were supposed to go to a prison planet on my solar system." "But they escaped." "They are now on your Planet Earth." "And they want one thing and one thing only... to have sex." "And the way they do that is by invading another life form, like your friend Charlie." "Once the Chubbies are inside you, they will use your body as a vehicle, and they will stop at nothing to reproduce." "I shot your friend Charlie because he was infected with a Chubby." "The Chubbies are most dangerous when they're inside a female host." "Once inside, they can use the female reproductive organs to spawn multiple Chubbies almost instantly." "You have to believe me." "Take my space lasers and kill the other two." "You don't know how dangerous they are." "I saw it firsthand." "[smack]" "I had enough of his lip." "Put him in the corner." "We'll wait it out." "Moody'll be here at 8:00 AM to open the doors, right?" "Yeah." "What about the Chubbies?" "I saw one." "He might be telling the truth." "Moody's going to kill me." "He trusted me, and I failed him." "Look, Tom, I'll take the blame completely." "We'll just say that this guy came in and took us hostage, and we fought back." "We'll be heroes, and we'll probably be on the news and shit." "Moody won't even care in that case." "It'll probably even give him some free publicity." "You'll take the blame?" "Skin it, man." "What are you going to do with the body?" "Oh, Rape Bot, would you come here, please?" "[mechanical whirring]" "Rape Bot, I just wanted to apologize for being so rude to you earlier." "I..." "I've been under a lot of stress lately from these damn Chubbies." "I shouldn't have taken it out on you." "Rape Bot heard what you said." "Perhaps a little raping is in order." "No, no, thank you." "I just wanted to let you know that you do a fine job here doing what you do." "So, please, accept my apology." "Rape Bot knows not how to forgive." "Only rape." "Well, OK, that's fair enough." "How about you get reprogrammed to not just rape anymore?" "World would be destroyed." "End of Rape Bot." "Yes, yes, very true." "But what if we reprogrammed you into being something more useful around here like a Chef Bot or a Garden Bot?" "Would you like that?" "You cannot change what Rape Bot is." "Rape Bot may not have feelings, but it knows what it is." "Rape Bot is done with you." "Oh, Rape Bot, don't be like that." "Rape Bot said it is done with you." "Enis, what are you doing?" "I was just apologizing to Rape Bot here." "Have you heard from Coridore?" "No, nothing from the space communicator." "Well, keep a Snerdian ear out." "Let me know if you hear anything." "We have to get this done or our planet is as good as extinct." "Rape Bot will survive." "It needs not oxygen." "That was a low blow, Rape Bot, even for you." "Suck my parts, Enis." "Look, I want you to know how unrealistic your story sounds." "But I do admit something fucked up is going on here tonight." "Will you just untie me?" "I'm not a bad guy." "Oh yeah?" "What do you do on your planet, Cass?" "I'm a lawyer." "[laugh]" "So that makes you a good guy?" "I was the Chubbies' defense attorney." "I believe in giving everyone a fair trial, whether they deserve it or not." "If you defend them, why are you trying to kill them?" "I didn't realize how terrible they were." "I was on the ship with them when they were being transported." "This was all my fault." "I was the one who freed them because I thought it was the right thing to do." "But they murdered the pilot on the ship, and then they tried to murder me." "Now, I'm just trying to fix my wrong." "Please, you have to let me." "Do you know how crazy that sounds?" "Look, if you don't believe me, then just keep me tied up to this chair." "But your friend is infected, and there's another Chubby loose." "Take my space laser and shoot them before it's too late and others die." "Hey, is it true that you shit yourself a half hour after you die?" "I don't know, Wendel." "Why don't you check Charlie's shorts for some Hershey's syrup?" "You guys, I'm seriously worried about Ruth Anne." "She's just walking around like a zombie." "I don't even think I've seen her blink." "She's... she's probably going through a grieving process or something." "I don't know." "Ruth Anne, are you OK?" "[music playing]" "Oh my god, what a slut." "[crunching]" "[splashing]" "Whoa!" "Whoa!" "[scream]" "Oh my god, one of those things is inside of me." "I can't get pregnant." "My dad's going to kill me." "Fuck." "No." "[sobbing]" "[pew]" " What the fuck was that?" " You see?" "Untie me." "Fuck." "No!" "[pew] [explosion]" "All right, Earth kids, listen up." "That was a Chubby." "That is what invaded your friends." "I'm not here to hurt any of you." "I just want to kill those fuck twerps so I can get back to my home planet." "As far as I see it, you can do one of two things..." "Help me destroy those creatures or get the Snerd out of my way." "What's it going to be?" "Yeah, we'll help." "All right." "Now, take me around this building so we can find those Chubbies and destroy them." "Let's move." "[music playing]" "My space tracker isn't reading anymore." "They could be anywhere." "We should probably split up, cover more ground." "Fine." "You three go over there, get some weapons." "Sam and I will go through here." "Hey, why is she going with you?" "Because she's the only one I actually trust with the space laser." "It's OK, Tom." "I'm a big girl." "Go." "Whoa, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait a second." "That space dick wants us to go look for the Chubbies, but we don't even have any weapons." "What are we going to do when we find them?" "I got mine." "All right, let's go." "Hold on, hold on." "I gotta go take a bodacious dump." "All right, just hurry up." "When you're done, meet us in Moody's office." "All right, give me two minutes." "Gotta grab my tunes too." "All right, hurry up." "So do they really say "get the Snerd out of here"" "in your planet?" "Snerds yeah." "Oh, look at this." "It's stuck." "CASS:" "Be careful." "There's, um... something happening to me." "What's wrong?" "I don't know." "Maybe they invaded me without me knowing." "What?" "There's, um..." "Something happening to my urinal extractor." "You mean this?" "Yes." "Have you ever had a boner before?" "I..." "I don't know." "Have you ever had sex before?" "No." "It's outlawed on Snerd." "Plus, our Boner-Tron anti-gravity pull won't allow us to even try." "Have you ever seen these before?" "I don't know what's happening, but I really want to grab those." "Do it." "Come on, spaceman, fuck me." "OK." "[moaning]" "Fucking aliens killing my buzz." "Killed my girl." "Slimy bastards got in her before I could." "She's dead." "Charlie's dead." "Ruth Anne's dead." "Got Charlie's fucking brains all over my costume." "This is the worst Halloween party ever." "Oh, man." "Oh." "Oh." "Oh, no." "Oh, shit." "Oh, shit." "Oh, shit." "You know, I don't trust that guy." "We should've never left him alone with Samantha." "Look, you need to cut that jibber jabber." "We have more important things to worry about, like not getting our b-holes penetrated by those things." "Well, what are we going to do when we do find them?" "Sweep them to death?" "I don't know, Tom." "This is my first encounter with an alien life form." "Oh, is that candy?" "No." "[snap]" "Ah!" "Son of a bitch!" "Ow!" "Yeah, Moody's an asshole." "I just wish we had some kind of weapons." "What's in the box?" "Let's find out." "It's locked." "What are you doing?" "No!" "[crack]" "Oh." "Holy shit." "Fuck me." "I knew Moody was paranoid, but..." "Holy Macanoli!" "Do you know how to load one of those?" "No." "BOTH:" "Wendel." "His pops was a deputy sheriff." "I'm sure he showed him how to use one of those before." "TOM:" "You're right." "EDDIE:" "Where is he?" "[door creaking]" "Oh, speak of the devil." "Hey, man, can you... [groaning]" "Chubby." "OK, man." "Just calm down." "You can fight this." "Hit him, you fool." "You hit him." "[thud]" "Come on, Wendel." "It's me..." "Eddie." "Look, man, there's a Chubby in you." "Just try to shit it out, maybe?" "I don't want to have to hurt you, buddy, but if I have to use force... [thud]" "Aw." "Wendel, please." "Get off of him!" "[squish]" "[growling]" "[screaming] [splashing]" "Make it stop." "[sobbing]" "Are you OK?" "[gagging]" "No." "I'm covered in ass shit." "[squirming]" "Come on." "We have to get that little fuck." "Grab the guns." "The grenade is mine." "[screaming]" "Wait." "Do you hear that?" " Yeah." " Could be Sam." "She's in trouble." "Let's go." "Wow!" "Oh, this is great." "Oh yeah, spaceman." "So this is sex?" "Yes, this is sex." "I love sex." "Me too." "Wow!" "Wow, this is great." "Hey." "Did you see it?" "What?" "A Chubby?" "No." "Crocodile Dundee." "Yes, a Chubby." "What's that smell?" "It's shit." "We just had to shove a broom up our best friend's ass, and now, I'm covered in blood, shit, and Chubby cum." "Wendel's dead?" "Yeah, he's fucking dead." "And we could have avoided it too if you weren't over here fucking the spaceman." "Tom." "Don't Tom me." "I'm over this bullshit." "I've been nothing but a good guy to you for the past year." "And this guy, this space dick's been here less than two hours, and he's already inside you?" "I'm sorry." "I'm done." "I'm going to go out there and wait until morning." "Have fun on your alien adventure." "Tom, wait." "No." "Let him go." "You need to stick with us." "The Chubbies want you to procreate." "Having them trapped inside here is our best chance of destroying them." "What time does your boss come?" "Uh, couple hours, I guess." "Then we have some time to find them and destroy them." "If the Chubbies get loose outside, your city, your state, your world will be taken over by these sex-fueled creatures who will stop at nothing to hump their way to global domination." "For the time being, Samantha, it's your butt hole they want." "Our primary objective is to protect your anus at all costs." "Aw, that's the sweetest thing a boy has ever said to me." "I'm no boy." "I'm Cass Coridore, space lawyer." "[chubby snickering]" "Ow." "What the fuck?" "Ow!" "Sam, get back." "SAM:" "Oh, shit." " Get the fuck off me." " Shoot it." "Shoot it." "I can't get a clear shot." "[growling]" "Mr. Moody." "I'm so glad to see you." "Listen, I'm sorry." "I didn't mean for any of this to happen." "I only threw the Halloween party because I didn't think you were going to find out." "The place is trashed." "Most of my friends are dead." "And it's all my fault." "I didn't mean for any of this to happen, and I regret it all." "I'm so sorry." "And I betrayed your trust." "That's the worst part." "Punish me however you see fit, but we need to leave now." "Mr. Moody, are you OK?" "Faggot!" "[gurgling]" "Tom!" "Oh." "Ew." "Whoa." "Onto me, my children." "My daddy." "My daddy." "[crunch]" "Oh!" "Oh." "[gurgling]" "That's not good." "[growl] [laugh] [pew pew pew]" "Fools!" "Your Snerdian space lasers won't work on me." "Oh, fuck." "[laugh]" "Fuck indeed." "You're all going to get fucked, starting with you." "And after I fuck you, we'll fuck your whole town." "We'll be the new Adam and Eve, and we'll just keep fucking until we spread the Chubbies' seed through the entire planet." "I already told them your plan, and that's not going to happen." "You won't be telling anyone anything when you have this chubby in your mouth." "Stop it, Moody." "Look, I know you never really liked me." "You always called me a gay wad and stuff." "But there's gotta be some good left in you." "You can be a hero by killing yourself and the Chubbies." "You can save us and the planet." "Please, Moody." "[whispering]" "What?" "Fire!" "[scream]" "Samantha, you have to run." "Get out of here." "Moody's right by the door." "There's no way he'll let me pass." "I'll create a diversion." "Come on." "Come on, Chubbies." "Fuck me." "Go ahead, stick it right here in my butt cave." "Come on, you big, fat pussylicker." "Fuck." "[glass shattering]" "Where were we?" "Oh, yes." "The fucking." "Sam, get out of here." "Hail to the kingpin, baby." "[squish] [screaming] [explosions] [glass shattering]" "GENERAL (ON RADIO):" "Cass." "Come in, Cass." "I'm here." "The Chubbies, are they destroyed?" "Yes, they've been blown up." "Phew." "Oh, that is exquisite news, Cass." "Very good." "When you get back to Snerd, I will make sure Rape Bot erects a statue in your honor." "My erection is only made for raping." "When will Rape Bot find time for a statue?" "Hey, that's OK." "Because everybody on this planet looks like him." "We'll just say it's for him." "Yeah." "Oh, so that's it?" "My friends are dead." "I don't have a job." "And you're going to leave, just like everybody else?" "Cass, give me your coordinates." "We'll send a spaceship to pick you up right now." "General." "Enis." "You can go ahead and shove that shuttle up your fat fucking asses." "I'm staying on Earth." "What in the Snerd?" "Cass, you can't be serious." "You'll be a hero here." "I don't care." "I found something more important to me." "Tits." "I found out that I love big, fat fucking tits." "And my dick, it works on Earth." "And I have someone to use it on." "Screw you, Snerdians." "Coridore!" "[glass shattering] [police sirens]" "Let's get the Earth out of here." "Let's go." "So I guess I should've asked you earlier, but how old are you?" "1.28 Snerd sacks." "Why?" "Um, well, if anyone asks, just say you're in high school, like me." "OK." "[laughing] [music playing]"