"There goes the bell, in the last lap of this extraordinary race." "He's trying to overtake round the outside, but he can't get through." "Scorpus in green, moving up to third place, looks like too little too late for the reigning champion." "Whatever happens now, you can say to your grandchildren, yes, I was there." " What's going on now?" " There's a lot of sand, some cheering, there's a guy selling nuts." " No, in the race." " Someone in the crowd's gone topless." "OK, tell me about that." " Some fat bloke." " And back to the race." " Stop squeezing my neck." " Oh, here comes Red again." "Shit, I knew it." " I shouldn't have bet on Green." " You shouldn't have bet at all." "40 denarii down the drain." "You shouldn't gamble our money without asking." " Hang on, 40?" "You said four." " No, I said 40." "I just said the "-ty" very quietly." " You total twat!" " Oh, Red's out of it." " He's smacked into a wall or something." " Oh, yes!" "It's nasty." "He's covered in blood." "Oh, shame." "But still, yes!" "Come on, Green." "Blue and Green are neck and neck." "They're round the final bend." "It's well tied." "Get your hands off my face." " And?" " It's Green." "Yeah!" "I knew it!" "I knew it would be Green." "No, it's Blue." "You idiot!" "I told you not to throw our money away." "No, no, Green, it is Green." " Yeah." " Yes." "Yes." "I'm still really angry with you." "Yes, yes." "Yes!" "Oi, you three, piss off or buy a ticket like everyone else." " We'll piss off, thanks." " We saw it for nothing." "And we made a packet, so..." "Whoo!" "You know what you are, don't you?" "Ripped By mstoll Happy New Year 2015" " New Year, New Color ;-)" "So, that's a cool 100 for me, and a cool 100 for you." "Cool." "What do I get?" "Nothing, Grumio." "You're my slave, your money is my money." "So, is your money my money?" "No, that's still my money." "Essentially, everything's mine." "Oh, come on you stingy git." "Give me some." "You're only gonna spaff it all on Cynthia." " Uh, no he won't." " I might actually." "There's a Hispanian restaurant that I wanna take her to." " See." " Yeah!" "Let her go." "You're getting nowhere fast." "Or, I'm getting somewhere slow." "You've not grappled anybody since we got to Rome." "You're denying other ladies the chance to get busy with you." " I think they're fine with that." " None of that." "We have got 100 denarii each." "This is our chance to start again." "To become the big men of Rome." " Meaning?" " Well, I'm gonna reinvent myself." " As a charioteer." " Ah, wicked." "Yeah." "Girls wet themselves for those guys." " In a good way." " Chariots cost a bit more than 100 denarii." "Who said I'm getting a chariot?" "I can't even drive." "How's that gonna work?" "Salve, ladies." "Stylax, charioteer." " Hey, Metella." "Have a nice weekend?" " You want Cynthia, right?" "I was making conversation first." " Why?" " Because it's neighbourly." "Are you actually interested in my life, at all?" " No, but..." " So, say what you want" " rather than asking inane questions." " OK, fine." "I'd like to see Cynthia." "That's better, isn't it?" " Cynthia?" " Yeah." "It's Marcus." "Should I tell him you're out?" "Oh, um..." "Ah..." " I can hear all this by the way." " Oh, uh..." "No, then." "Hey, Marcus." "What's up?" "Hey." "So, I've managed to bag a table at this new Hispanian restaurant if you want to join me?" " They do patatas bravas." " Oh, that's really sweet, but I'd better not." "I've got an audition for the part of a sylph." "Right." "What's a sylph?" "Like a cross between a nymph and a sprite." " So..." " Thin, basically." "I'm only eating cress at the mo, certainly can't have patatas." " Potatoes." " I can't have those either." " Sorry." " OK." "Good luck with the audition..." "Oh." "You all right, darling?" " Yep." " You ain't gonna jump, are you?" "No." " Just problem neighbours." " Well, uh, thanks for the warning." "I'm Marcus, I live in that one." "I'm Amanda and I live in this one." "You're not free at all tomorrow night are you, Amanda?" "I'm so proud of you man." "I didn't deceive her, or waste months pretending to be her friend." "I just asked her out." " And she said yes?" " She did." " So, what's wrong with her?" " Nothing, Grumio." "This guy's a hunk." " She's going because she fancies him." " Or because she fancies a big steak supper." "No, actually, it's not that kind of food." "It's all small dishes for sharing." " You'll struggle with that, you stingy bastard." " Oh, my Jove." "There you go then, Grumio." " Don't say I never give you anything." " One deni?" "Thanks a bloody bunch." " You don't even own a chariot." " Not yet." "And yet you bought leathers, cuffs, a cape." " A helmet." " Don't help him." "In case you crash your imaginary chariot into an imaginary wall?" "All I know, is that women love men who live on the edge." " Who laugh in the face of death." " I know." "Hence why they love me." "What?" " You laugh in the face of death do you?" " Well, I once had sex in a graveyard." "So..." " Wow." " Yes, thank you." "I know." " Did you put the corpse back afterwards?" " Or just leave it?" " It wasn't a corpse." " Were you laughing in its face?" "It was a living woman." " She started off that way." " No, the whole time." " Was she still warm?" " I would never hump a corpse!" "I think I'll be cremated, all the same, Water Boy," " just to be safe." " Yes, good idea." "Water Man." "Shredder, have you got yourself a chariot?" "Of course." "What fool would buy all the chariot gear" " without a chariot?" " Yeah." "I do like young men in leather." " And in general." " Thank you." "My husband collects chariots." "I tell him he's compensating for shortcomings elsewhere." " Is that what you're doing?" " No." "No shortcomings here." "Long comings, if anything." "That reminds me." "I left my lunch box at home." "Whizz back and get it for me." " Go to your house?" " It won't take long in a chariot." "30 minute round trip." " I might need a bit longer." " Nonsense." "Crack the whip." "You do have a whip, don't you?" " No." "Maybe I shouldn't go." " You can borrow one of mine." "Follow me." "Don't forget your helmet, mate." "Safety first." " Salve, Grumio." " All right, landlord." "What's with the bling?" "Ah, well, you know, business is booming, so I thought I'd treat myself." " What's with the big man?" " Thought I'd treat myself to him too." " I'm accessorising." "His name's Davus." " You all right, fella?" "In fact, take the weight off a sec will you, Davus?" "Ah, that's better." "Oh, yeah." "So, how can I get rich then?" "In my experience, the easiest way to make money" " is to have loads already." " Right." "Any other ways?" " Could work really hard." " Hmm." "Any other ways?" "You could try something like Amanda." "Oh." "What's her story then?" "Well, works from home, world's oldest profession." " She busy then is she?" " Oh, yeah, lot of happy customers." "Going in and out." " You know what I mean?" " Oh, eh, man." "That'll do." "Vale." " Hello?" " Yes." "What do you want?" "Oh, hey." "Hmm?" "Um, my name's Stylax, I work with Flavia." "Mmm-hmm, yeah." "And what do you want?" "I'm here to pick up her lunch box." "Well, it's there." " Is that it?" " Could I have a glass of water?" "No, no." " Eff off then." " OK cool," "Yeah." "Just go, yeah." "He's doing the dirty." " You don't know that." " He was with a woman who was butt naked, and boobs naked." "Everything naked." " Which tunic do you think?" " That one." "I caught him with his dick in the cookie jar, and you know what that means?" "His dick's got crumbs on it." " And therefore?" " Don't eat his cookies?" " We threaten to tell Flavia." " No way." "We're not blackmailing him." "I just want some hush money." "Or a chariot." " I want a hush chariot." " Yeah, count me in." " It's got sod all to do with you, Grumio." " Or any of us." "Right." "How do I look?" "You're an absolute dreamboat, mate." " Lf I were a girl, I'd ruin you." " That's a bit weird, but thanks." "Now remember, you are a big man of Rome." "So, splash the cash, spread the love and show the girl a good time." "So, so proud." "Wow." "This is dead posh, innit?" "The forks are metal and everything." "Yes, well, order anything else you want." "It's all on me." "Have you got a good job then, Marcus?" "Sort of." "I work for Rome's third largest grain supply company." "Oh, wow." "I bet you like grain then?" "Mmm." "I don't actually work with the grain myself, I'm a copier." "Try the patatas." "I do know about grain." "I grew up on a farm." "Oh, wow." "Do you know, I love farms." "With all the little ducks and everything." "I bet that was brilliant." " It had its moments." " Yeah?" "What sort of moments?" "Let's think." "Um..." "One time, in the chicken coop, I found a square egg." "Square?" "Well that's dead odd, innit?" "Because eggs are usually sort of round?" "Egg shaped." "I know, but this was..." "It wasn't a perfect square." "Still an egg." "But it's on my parents' mantelpiece, and it's not rolling anywhere." " Have some more wine." " OK." " Hmm." " Oh, don't worry about it." "No, no." "Waiter." "One more bottle of wine, please." "Yes, sir." "House again?" "Um, no, actually." "I think this time we'll go one up from house." "Salve, ladies." "Stylax, charioteer." "Ah, they can tell, can't they?" " What?" " I'm not a real charioteer." "I'm just a twat in a uniform." "Mmm." "Hey, hang on." "I wish we had more money." "Mmm." "Well that didn't work, did it?" "Oh, Marcus, that is amazing." " Ooh." " Shall I keep going?" "Up to you, babes, do whatever you want." "I'll keep going." "Just a mo." "I'll be five minutes, yeah?" "OK, no worries." "Sorry." "It's your five minute warning." " Why?" "Who was that?" " My next client." " He's just a bit early." " Client?" "Sorry, Amanda, are you a..." "I'm not being rude, but are you a..." "Uh, yeah." "Ah!" "How long were you down there for?" "Maybe an hour." " An hour?" " I can't believe I was so stupid." "She laughed at my jokes." "She even liked the square egg story." "That's basically a prostitute test." " I like that story." " This is all your fault." " How?" " I was trying to spread the love." "Show her a good time." "Look where it got me." "A 100 denarii bill and lockjaw." "For that sort of money you should have humped her." "I just warmed her up for the next guy." "Or guys." "I probably wasn't even her first of the day." "No, you weren't." " How do you know?" " I saw her with a fat bloke." "Right and why didn't you tell me?" "Landlord said she did the oldest job in the world." " That's a prostitute." " Famously a prostitute." "Oh." "Right." "I thought it were a cook." " A cook?" "Why would it be a cook?" " Even a prozzie's gotta eat." "Fair point." "Should've given me the money." "It wouldn't have ended up like this." "Really?" "It wouldn't have ended with me sucking you off?" " Good to know." " Hey, guys." "Hey, Cynthia." "Hello, hello." "How was the audition?" "Hideous." "I was so weak from the cress diet I passed out walking up the stairs." " Oh, shit." " I know." "On the flip side I'm now hard core comfort eating, so if you still wanna go to that restaurant, I'm game." "Yeah." "I'm a bit broke is all." "My treat." "Just got Nanna's inheritance fund." "Ooh, great." "And condolences, obviously." "Also, Landlord's moved a filthy whore into the building." "We just found out ourselves." "I've started a petition to have her evicted before the whole building's crawling with horny creeps." " Do you know what I mean?" " Completely." "So, you'll sign it?" "I..." "Of course." "I just came to say thank you for a lovely evening, and to see if there's any way I could get away with not paying for it?" " Why?" " I didn't know that you were a..." " He didn't have a clue." " Did you not spot the red candle?" "I grew up on a farm." "We didn't have the whole red candle system." " What about how flirty I was?" " I genuinely thought you were into me." "And when I checked your dick for lice?" "Yeah, in hindsight, that was a bit odd." "Even so, you got taken to a fancy restaurant." "You ate two desserts, and then received oral attention." " For an hour." " Yeah, approx." "If anything, you should pay him." "That won't be necessary, but maybe we could call it quits?" "What you choose to do with our time is entirely up to you." "You didn't find it weird I chose to do that?" "For an hour." "He's got lockjaw for Jove's sake." "OK, mate." "Could we at least arrange a discount?" "I'll give you 20% discount, only because you're a dopey twat." " That's kind of you." " But I will need it today." " Fine, that'll be fine." " Right, well if you'll excuse me," "I need my beauty sleep." "I am chock-a-block later." "Yep." "Sorry, um, have you got a menu I could take away?" "Is it called a menu?" "So, I can kind of..." "What we gonna say?" ""Game's up, sucker." "We know you're doing the dirty."" " We're not calling him "sucker"." " We need something bold." " Show him we mean business." " People who mean business, don't say sucker." "How about nonce?" " "Look here, noncey"." " Doesn't nonce mean paedophile?" "Mush. "Shut your mush, you fucking mush."" "Forget about that." "What are our demands?" " I need 80 denarii." " Round that up to a cool grand." " That's more than rounding up." " Plus a chariot." " Of course." " And a horse." " Good thinking." " Some feed for the horse." " Uh, yep." " Some feed for me." " Why do you need feed?" " I'm hungry." " Feed for "G" man." " Or food as we call it." "So, a cool grand, a chariot, a horse, some feed and some food." "OK." "Ooh." "Let's do this." "Shut your fucking mush, bozo-bitch-sucker." " You all right?" " Yeah." " Oh." " I was here yesterday, for the lunch box?" "I know." "And?" "And I saw something." "Something big and bad." " Get to the point" " Your dick's got crumbs on it." " What?" " I saw her." " The naked lady frolicking about." "I saw her." " Oh, now we're getting somewhere." "You thought you'd come back with your two heavies to blackmail me?" "If you don't want us to tell Flavia, you'd better meet our demands." "Flavia, darling, love of my life, come down here for a moment will you?" "There's some idiots at the door." " When do we get to do our demands?" " I'm not sure we do." "Ah, yes, these are my idiots." "And my idiot's idiot." "It's all getting very exciting." "They're trying to blackmail me." "No, he said blackmail." "I didn't say that." "They're threatening to tell you about the naked lady that was here yesterday." "Oh, bless." "Do you wanna handle this?" "Or shall I get my big sword?" "No, leave it with me, Cornelius, my love, my light of my world." "Mmm." "Oh." "Forgive my husband for being brusque, boys." "He's a very talented artist and therefore a very rude person." "And currently he's working on a sculpture of the Birth of Venus." " The nude was his model." " Oh, right." "You sure?" "I hardly think Venus would be clothed at birth." "I mean, were you born clothed?" " No." " Can't remember." " I'm sorry, we needed money." " Well, since you're here, Shredder, why don't you chauffeur me into town?" "I'll give you 10 denarii." "Well, I don't actually own a chariot, turns out." "Just got a uniform." "Well, do please come again soon." "Could we carry you, for 10 denarii?" "Or five?" "We're desperate." " Is there anything we can do?" " Maybe..." "Rob a bank?" "Hey up, I've got an idea." " Is it robbing a bank?" " Not quite." " Get stuck in." " Well, I think this is illegal." "Nobody owns this money." "They've literally thrown it away." " So they'd have their wishes granted." " Well it works." "Last night I wished we had more money, and today we do." " It's a miracle, praise the God." " Bloody hell, five denarii." " Nice one." " Next time I'm bringing a bucket." "Are we big men now?" "'Cause I don't feel like a big man." " Did you just splash me?" " Sorry." "Fountains make we wanna do splashy, splashy." "Grumio, do not splash him back." "I order you." "If he's gonna do splashy, splashy, then so am I." "Oh!" " Stop a sec." " No, you're only gonna splashy, splashy me." " No, seriously." " Oi!" "Shit." "Maybe it is illegal." " Stay where you are." "Oi!" "Psst." "Spare any change?" " You're turning this place into a den of sin." " You should have checked with the tenants." "Why?" "She's not hurting anyone." "Unless they pay her to." "What if one of your clients accidentally knocks on my door in the night?" "Take 'em in darling." "You could do well." "Thank you, but that's not really the point." "Especially if you remove that pole from your arse." "Right." "That is it." "Landlord you have to get rid of her." "I'm not alone." "I've started a petition amongst the other tenants." " What?" " I've already got several supporters." "Marcus, you'll back me up." "I was just gonna get changed." " This is important." " Before we go out." ""The following tenants demand the eviction of the whore from flat six."" "Did you sign it?" " Did I?" "I can't remember." " Marcus Gallo." "Yep, you did, yeah." "You can bloody forget the discount now then." "What discount?" " This is interesting." " There was a misunderstanding." "I want the full 100 now." " You paid for sex?" " No, he hasn't paid yet." " I didn't have sex with her." " So what did you do?" "Doesn't, doesn't matter." "I'm sorry, it's a bit wet." "You're paying me in damp change?" "Are you serious?" "Still legal tender." "Uh, 8, 10, 17, 20, 24." " I'm a bit short." "Could I owe you?" " No, you couldn't." " Right." " Um..." "Cynthia, any chance I could borrow some..." "What?" "You want me to fund your prostitute habit?" "It's not a habit." "It was a one off." "And a mistake." "I thought it might be pleasure rather than business." "You thought someone would go out with you for pleasure?" " All right, don't you start." " How much?" "76 denarii." "I'm really sorry." "This is not what Nanna's inheritance is for." "Here's 80." "Keep the change." "It was a pleasure doing business with you." "Thank you." "I'll pay you back." "And tonight?" "Are we still on for dinner?" "You expect me to pay your prostitute bills and then buy you dinner?" " Well, ideally." " Wow." "Legend." " I don't need a chariot." " Don't need it." "I'll stick to walking." "I like walking." " You're good at walking." " Yeah." "Plus there's running costs, the parking." "One way system's a nightmare." "Oh, they are as sexy as hell though." "You're not wrong." "This one's just like the one outside Fla..." "Uh-oh, I've got you now you dirty little punk-assed pussy-sucker." "Bloody nonce." "Oh, shit." " Take the next left." " Don't know how." "So, where we going then?" "Sort of up to the horse." "Salve, ladies." "Stylax, charioteer." "Marcus, big man of Rome." "We've arrived baby, the big men have arrived!" "Ripped By mstoll Happy New Year 2015" " New Year, New Color ;-)"