"Como se dice en español..." "Si el tren se para antres de las estaciones." "Quedence adentro no salga afuera." "Aprendi eso en la escuela." "Manly yes, but I like it too." "Donde esta la amiga?" "Si, como no!" "Hmm, peligro." "Caliente." "Hmm..." "Ay que lastima." "Un tere tere, doce doce..." "Oh...!" "Would you guys like some more peanuts?" "Uh..." "Actually, I... y'know, ordinarily, I would say yes." "But they're fattening." "Not so much that they're fattening..." "Aren't they sort of high in, uh... fat?" "Yeah." "No, I'm really taking this whole thing seriously, since the check-up, you know." "He scared me." "What'd he tell you, what'd he tell you?" "Well, he said that I'm a really good candidate." "For a massive heart attack." "Oh." "Wow." "That's terrible." "So what was your cholesterol level?" "He said it was 320." "Wow, red alert." "320, and he said even my hair has fat in it." "I get winded, I get winded when I use a rotary phone." "Oh!" "But, you know, I've been working out for years now." "Yeah?" "And I'm..." "I have the body of, like, a 46-year-old." "I mean, feel this, feel this." "Feel the stomach here." "I'd rather not." "No, put your hand here." "I'd just as soon..." "Put your hand right here." "Okay." "Not there..." "Here, here." "Okay, okay, let me see." "Huh?" "That's very tight." "Look at that." "As svelte as a kitten." "Look at this." "That's... how do you do that?" "How do I do that?" "I suck it in." "Oh, wait let me try that." "You got nothing there." "That's nothing." "Oh, that's something." "Julie, you're in great shape." "How do you do it?" "Oh, god, y'know, I'm obsessed with it." "That's what I'm in school for." "I didn't know that." "Yeah, Julie actually wants to..." "You wanna be a physical therapist?" "Is that the idea?" "Yeah." "Is that like an aerobics person?" "No, no." "I guess what I wanted to know is." "Were you gonna put on one of them, you know..." "Spandex?" "Yeah." "No, mm-mm." "So you're, like, a, more like a physical therapist?" "Yeah." "You work with people who've had a stroke." "Or something like that?" "Yeah." "I'll see you soon." "Jonathan, y'know, all you need to do is 40 minutes a day, four times a week, and..." "I don't have 40 minutes a day." "Four days a week to give up to my body." "You know, as much as I love it." "And I'll show you my favorite part." "Y'know..." "Hey, hey, hey, crazy idea..." "Stop me if you think I'm nuts here." "Three days a week." "You come to my office, give me a half-hour workout, the second half our, I'll give you therapy." "An even deal, a tradeoff." "No, Jonathan, I'm not comfortable with that idea." "Don't make a decision now." "No, I don't wanna do it." "I don't wanna hear an answer now." "No, Jonathan, you see..." "Think about it, okay?" "What do you think?" "Jonathan." "Seriously." "Jonathan, I don't want therapy." "But what I would love." "Is if you would teach me to play the guitar." "Julie?" "Yeah?" "I don't know if you know the degree of the problem here." "Show her your stomach." "No, I would just as soon not..." "She's gonna see my stomach soon enough." "Show her what you did before, with the..." "Stick it out." "Okay, here we go." "Wow!" "Watch out." "I'm in my third trimester." "Jeez." "Please stop pacing and sit down." "Why does he always make me wait?" "Well, your appointment is not for another." "Two hours, Mr. attell." "Mm-hmm." "I'm always wrong, he's always right." "All I'm saying is that if you didn't get here so early, you wouldn't have to wait so long." "You were here when I arrived." "You know, I'm sorry." "I forgot who I was talking to." "Let's have some quiet time!" "First of all, let's take a deep breath, Dave." "Tell me..." "let's talk a little more about your dad." "You know when you're young, you think your dad's superman, and then you grow up and you realize." "He's just a regular guy who wears a cape?" "Do you think he was an overly protective father?" "Well, he never let me have fireworks." "All I had was sparklers." "Sparklers." "I think a flashlight is more dangerous than a sparkler." "My friends have m-80s, bottle rockets, sticks of dynamite." "I'm walking around like." "The special olympic torch boy." ""Hey, fellas, how's it go..." "Ow, ow!"" "Now I'm a moving target." "I remember one time my dad was wearing pants." "It must have been Thanksgiving." "Yeah." "I, uh... have a friend." "I went clothes shopping with this friend of mine." "He's even worse than me." "He bought a pair of overalls." "He's like, "Dave, what goes with this?"" "I'm like, "I don't know, they're overalls."" ""I guess a banjo." ""I don't know." ""I know what doesn't go with it:" "Jobs and women."" "Um... doctor?" "I bought you a figurine." "Thanks." "It's a delft elf." "Do you go to the movies?" "No." "Do you play sports?" "Maybe." "Do you go to the theater?" "I went to the opera once." "Yeah?" "You know, I'm sitting at the opera, and I'm thinking," ""look how much work it takes to bore me."" "Hm." "Laura?" "Can you tell Ms. kightlinger." "That I'm running a little late?" "Hello?" "John, Jonathan." "Julie?" "Yeah?" "We still on?" "Yeah." "I should be by around three." "I don't have to bring anything special, any kind of special equipment?" "No, no, no." "I'll bring a..." "I'm gonna bring a mat." "I'm gonna bring some free weights, some ankle weights, some wrist weights..." "Okay, and bring stuff for me too, because..." "This is for you." "Oh, okay." "This is for you." "And what about clothes?" "I brought a few options." "Okay, tell me what you got." "I have..." "Well, I have tights, black tights..." "Okay." "...and a tank top, and I brought sweatpants." "Good." "And a sweatshirt and some..." "I brought actually some sweat, just in case we don't get to do the hard stuff." "Why do you think it happens?" "Well, I think it's because I make the same..." "You know, I make the same mistake." "Three and four times with men, and it just seems to me, at this point, what I should do is start putting post-its." "On men's head that say:" ""Do not sleep with this guy again."" "And then maybe a sentence, one line as to why I shouldn't, like "don't sleep with him again."" "Re:" "Mommy."" "You have to keep trying." "You have to give yourself a little push, even if you're afraid, you know." "I can't go on a date, because it's always a disaster." "I don't know why it is, but whenever I'm dressed up to meet someone, to go to a nice restaurant, without fail, I walk out of the bathroom." "With a little piece of toilet paper." "Still stuck to my tongue." "There's a lot of crazy people on the street." "Mm-hmm." "I'm walking down the street, and I see this guy, and he's just screaming." "He's running down the block, he's screaming, he's like, "ants, ants!" ""They're all over me!" "Ants, ants, ants!"" "He gets to the curb, he looks both ways." ""Ants!"" "The only time you notice these guys." "Is when they do something normal, you know?" "I'd love to follow this guy, like, on his day." ""Ants, ants!" ""One for legends of the fall." ""Ants, ants!" "Can you super-size this?"" "So then I see this other guy, this one crazy guy, he's just laughing at an empty juice container." "He's just laughing at it." "And he sees me looking at him, and he goes, "jealous?"" "And you know something?" "I was a little jealous." "What is the secret, crazy?" "Let's try some pushups." "Okay, pushups, I have to tell you, are not my strength." "Okay, do you wanna do them on your knees?" "Would that be better?" "Uh, I think that's girl-style." "Well, it can be boy-style too." "I would rather do ten boys' pushups." "Than 20 girls' pushups." "Okay, well, then let's do ten..." "So let's do ten boys' pushups." "All right, now make sure, you have to squeeze your glutes." "Okay." "Now..." "Oh, don't touch me there." "A little higher." "Well, no, see, I'm just trying to keep your hips down." "So let's push this down." "Push it down." "Come on, push it down." "Okay, good." "Can I stop for a second?" "No." "This is..." "Okay, four..." "Julie, I'm bleeding." "Where?" "I'm bleeding internally." "You're not serious about this." "I told you." "No, I'm serious." "I think that we have to figure out." "What my capabilities are." "Like, maybe I'm not ready to do..." "I used to do, in high school," "I used to be able to do 50 pushups." "Mm-hmm." "Over a period of a couple of weeks." "But I would do them." "Now I can't really..." "I can't produce." "Those kind of numbers." "So let's figure out what you think I'm capable of, and every session, we'll raise that by one." "Jonathan, I really think that you're capable." "Of maybe not ten, okay, maybe not ten..." "Let's start with a series of five." "On each of these things that you're trying to do." "Okay, now, will you push that thing down again for me?" "Yes." "That helps a lot." "Yeah, all right." "And then pull it up." "But you can cut your losses." "There are certain things you can do now." "That's why I've decided to exercise." "I've never exercised." "I mean, I don't like the looks of it." "Well, you're young still, you know?" "Right, but, you know, I'm bigger than you, you know?" "I mean, in a fat way, I'm a bigger man than you..." "And you're not that big." "You don't..." "You actually look fit." "Yeah, but you're actually an athlete, Ben." "I mean, what did you win at camp?" "You won that buoyancy thing, there." "That was..." "You know what I'm talking about?" "Camp yomi?" "Yes, yes, it was a, uh..." "First place in floating in the pool." "It was a joke, though." "It was a joke award." "They were making fun of me." "Well, but still, you..." "But I kept it." "You're the athlete in the family." "I mean, a lot of what you see as big is musculature." "And also you have some baby fat on you still." "That's not baby fat anymore." "You will shed that as you get older." "Dad, I'm 24 years old." "Look, you could get on this program with me." "You could join, and all you'd have to do." "Is get up off the couch." "I've lost you already, huh?" "I just fell asleep for a second." "I'm sorry." "You have to get up off the couch." "Yeah?" "And say, "I, Benjamin Daniel katz," ""love myself, and will treat my body." ""With the respect that it deserves, every day of the rest of my life."" "Can you do that?" "I can't." "You know, I can't push myself like that." "I mean, I do love me." "I'm just asking you to take a vow." "I'm not asking you to do any exercises." "Oh, okay." "Would you do that for me?" "Sure." "Would you stand up and say that?" "Well... well, you know, dad..." "Please, Ben." "No, don't press me, dad." "Don't press like that." "Well, I..." "Don't press on me." "You're all over me." "You're a shapely man yourself, dad, in a way." "I mean, you're a little heavy around the hip area." "I'm built to bear children." "Doctor, prostate cancer..." "Did the c.I.A. Start that?" "Prostate cancer?" "Yes." "It came from somewhere." "I don't know." "It seems like it's a recent phenomenon." "With bill Bixby?" "Bill Bixby wasn't a real c.I.A. Guy." "No, he was a magician." "I know that." "Oh, did he die of prostate cancer?" "He did!" "You know, supposedly they say." "That your chances of surviving prostate cancer." "Are just as good if you don't operate." "Hm." "Hey, do you wanna go to a party later?" "Wow." "You are a downer." "I might be a manic depressive, but you've got some issues yourself, doctor." "I mean, really." "You know, you've gotta wake up, smell yourself, and really say it." "It seems like whenever I'm at my lowest point," "I have to run into somebody who's at their highest point, and this happened to me a week after I got fired." "This guy I went to school with..." "I hadn't seen him in 100 years..." "Bumps into me on the street, and he says," ""hey, Laura, how's it going?"" "And I'm just shocked, at first trying to think of who he is, and then he says," ""wow, I've had the most incredible streak." ""Y'know, I was a production assistant on a film..." ""Now I own the film company," ""and I'm starring in the features we produce." ""Isn't that incredible?" ""I really made it." "Yeah, so what have you been up to?"" "I said, "well, uh, jeez..."" ""Despite the accident, I'm still able to hold." ""A ball in my hand and grip it tightly," ""and then slowly release it." ""Well, listen, I should scoot." ""I've just soiled myself while we were talking," ""and I've got an interview at McDonald's in five minutes." "Could... could you carry me there?"" "Y'know, I always..." "Go ahead." "This is something we didn't talk about..." "Is the kind of guitar you wanna play." "Like, what kind of music are you drawn to?" "I always liked those women." "That played the guitar and sang, you know, like Joni Mitchell and people like that." "Well, this is a Joni Mitchell-style strum, here." "*" "Just try that, just for starters." "How are you doing that?" "Like this." "Should I be holding my fingers up on this part?" "Yep." "Try it." "Let's start with something simpler." "Yeah." "My fingers are hurting from that." "* she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes * * she'll be comin'..." "No, don't try to play yet." "Just watch what I'm doing." "* she'll be comin' around the mountain when she comes * now go "toot-toot!"" "Just try that." "Toot-toot!" "No, "choot-choot!"" ""Choot-choot!"" "* she'll be comin' around the mountain when she comes * choot-choot!" "* she'll be comin' around the mountain * * she'll be comin' around the mountains... * and this is the way the jazzy guys would do it." "* she'll be comin' around the mountains when she... * * when she comes around them * * yeah yeah yeah * she'll come around the mountains *" "you know what you need?" "Is you need to get your endorphins going." "You know what I'm saying?" "And once the endorphins get going, you get more of the serotonin." "Stanley, are you forgetting that when you make stuff up." "That I know what you're doing?" "No, I'm not making this up." "You're telling me you don't know about endorphins." "Leading to increased serotonin?" "Sarah toning went to school with my sister." "No, wait, no, this is true, this is true." "You get your heart level up above," "I don't know, 90 or 95 for you, endorphins start pumping out, serotonin will drip right off you." "You know what I'm saying?" "Sounds messy." "It's messy." "Then you take a nice shower, you get into the locker room, take a nice shower, and then you're out of there." "You know what I would be inclined to do, is to take a shower when I get home, just in terms of..." "Oh, the sweat'll dry on you." "You don't want that." "Yeah, but you know what?" "I feel weird taking a shower in a room full of strange men." "Why?" "Well, what if they make fun of my body?" "Why would they do that?" "There's nothing wrong with your body." "Thank you." "Not a lot." "I mean, if they do, look..." "I'll tell them that you were in an accident." "Tell 'em I was in some kind of frailty competition." "Hm." "Mr. Frail." "The frailty Olympics?" "Yeah, say something like that, just so that they think that I was going for this look." "I don't think they're gonna buy that, but the accident they'll go for." "Tell them I'm a marathon runner, except for my belly." "Hm." "Anyway, last week, my father went to the doctor's, and he got a report back." "That he has a congenital heart defect." "Really?" "You know, I'm concerned about him, but the real problem is that I probably have it." "Because it's congenital." "Right, I'll explain that to you later." "Right." "What congenital means." "So what's the bad news?" "Well, the thing is, is that there's a good chance..." "And I'm not being overdramatic..." "There's a good chance that I will die at some point, so because of that," "I'm thinking I'd better live life to the fullest." "Yeah." "Before the heart goes." "Right." "So I thought that maybe you could think about." "Next Thursday night, if that's good for you." "I can get tickets to, uh, to nunsense, because I really wanna see that before I die." "They're nuns and they sing, and there's a lot of improv." "Oh, yeah, I met this Irish guy..." "He was a lot older than me, and he was always telling me stories, proverbs, you know, to prove that he was brilliant, I guess, and I'd start to complain about my life," "and he'd say, "och, Laura."" ""You always complain about how bad your life is." ""Why don't you change it?" "You know, you're the author of your own fate."" "I thought, "god, he's right."" "I am the otter of my own fat."" "Mm." "Yeah, you know, I could go at any time." "I could go now," "I could go tomorrow, or I could go, y'know, 20, 30 years from now." "You never know." "Well, I guess I'll just have to take my chances." "Ah, what does that mean?" "!" "* she'll be comin' around the mountain * * she'll be comin' around the mountain when she comes * choot-choot!" "Now, let's stop here today, and I'll tell you why..." "Because so much of playing the guitar." "Is just being around people who play it well." "You know what I'm saying?" "No." "Like, watch this." "*" "You know how long..." "It looks simple, right?" "Yeah." "You know how long it took me to learn how to do that?" "No." "Four years." "I did that instead of graduate school." "See, I always just..." "I like the way people's fingers just..." "Move, you know, like that?" "See, that comes with work." "It's so hard." "You have to develop the strength in your left hand, the coordination of the right hand, and oddly enough, a lot of it comes from the buttocks." "This is the best-kept secret of contemporary music." "Stop!" "And this is something I learned in college." "I had a vocal coach who told me." "That in order to produce a sound from the diaphragm, you should practice by putting a quarter." "Between the cheeks of your buttocks and holding it there." "Come on!" "And this guy would make change, Julie." "You hear what I'm saying to you?" "Yes." "I wrote a song about you last night, Julie, in anticipation of your arrival." "You did?" "Yep." "Hm, let's hear it." "* Julie... * that's all I got so far." "Doctor, could I just ramble for a minute?" "Absolutely." "Do you always have to control the session?" "Do you feel like that's what I'm doing here?" "Dr. make-me-feel-small." "I'm not trying to diminish you in any way." "Dr. hottest-thing-on-skates." "No, that's not true." "Dr. Dave-attell-let's-have- a-laugh-with-him- like-they-did- in-high-school- in-junior-high-school- and-then- junior-high-school-again." "Dave, would you calm down, please?" "Dr. I-know-it-all- 'cause-i-can-read." "I..." "First of all, I was in the footlocker." "No, I was not trying to get a job there, 'cause I remember what you said last time." "They can't hire me." "The state will not permit them to do that." "Right." "I was just..." "What is it?" "Browsing around, and I see all these little tiny shoes." "They're baby shoes." "And now they've got baby work boots." "Did you know that?" "Work boots for babies." "And I'm thinking, "doctor... "." "No, wait." "I'm thinking, "I've never seen a baby on a construction site."" ""I might be a gentle giant," ""I might be an eight-foot man." ""With the brain of a two-year-old," "* but baby shoe, right, baby boot, wrong."" "I'm sorry... you know what the music means." " Good." " Nine!" "Okay, keep breathing." "Jonathan?" "Ten." "Good, oh, good." "Great." "Oh, man, that is..." "Good job!" "I tell you, I'm feeling it already." "I feel the difference." "Yeah?" "Give me a shot in the stomach." "Give me your best shot." "Come on." "No, no." "I can take it, just do it, just hit me with your best..." "You don't want me to do that." "Yes." "You really want me?" "Just give me... yeah." "All right, okay." "911!" "Just tell Laura to call 911." "Jonathan, are you all right?" "I'll kill you." "I will kill you."