"Tom." "Tom!" "Tom!" "Tom, please!" "Can you hear me?" "Tom!" "No, no, no, no, no, no, no!" "Tom!" "Kelly!" "Kelly, Kelly!" "I need you to listen to me, okay?" "!" "Tom can't hear me!" "I need you" "Where's Bobbie when I need her?" "!" "After the way you treated her." "What?" "Steve." "Steve, listen to me." "You know." "You got to believe I didn't try to kill myself, okay?" "You know me." "I-I value life too much." "Christina, the fact is, nobody around here knows you." "Not anymore." "What?" "When Tom asked me to be his best man," "I nearly refused." "What?" "I knew you'd end up cheating on him." "Steve, I made a mistake." "I made a mistake, but it doesn't mean I deserve this!" "You're not sorry at all, are you?" "Her transport's here." "Bobbie!" "Bobbie." "Paperwork set?" "Just about." "Hey, listen, somebody's got to listen to me!" "Justine!" "Justine." "Listen, get Dr. Wakefield for me, please, okay?" "Okay." "Better yet" "Hey, hey." "I need you to call Nick." "I need you to call detective Nick Renata, okay?" "Can you do that?" "Okay?" "Christina, nobody's trying to hurt you..." "Much." "This way!" "Ohh!" "Ohh!" "Ohh!" "Get off me, you..." "Ohh!" "Ohh!" "Christina, please, we're just trying to help." "Oh, God." "Christina?" "Yes." "Hi." "Hi." "Have a seat." "So, you've never been in therapy before?" "No." "So, this is a first." "Yes." "This is my first." "Are you here of your own volition?" "Yes." "And what brings you here today?" "I don't like talking." "And yet, you're here." "I cheated on my husband." "Can you tell me a little bit about that?" "I never believed it was possible to love two people at one time." "But I do." "We love our mothers and fathers in the best of all worlds." "Other than your father, who was the first man you loved?" "I don't know if I ever loved my father." "I didn't know him well enough to love him." "So I think the first man I loved was Michael." "He was the first-- He was my first everything." "He was my..." "First friend..." "My first..." "Lover, husband." "And then..." "We grew apart." "I don't know, I just..." "I grew up." "He grew up." "We wanted different things." "And then he got sick." "And then he died." "You and Michael have a daughter, don't you?" "She's grown." "She's grown?" "Yeah, she is." "She's doing better than me." "I'm starting to think I'm the child." "How about that?" "Do you want to be alone?" "Is it true?" "Is what true?" "That the hospital's shutting down." "What?" "No." "No, it's not." "Actually, the truth is that..." "This hospital is just getting started." "And you'd always tell me the truth, right?" "Of course." "What's going on between you and mom?" "No, I can't..." "I can't even talk about that right now." "Not yet." "Sorry." "No, it's okay." "Things are pretty serious, but..." "No, I-I..." "I understand." "No matter what happens, as long as you want me in your life, I promise I'll be there." "I hope you feel the same way about me." "I do." "If you ever want to talk about it, you know where to find me." "And Tom was so..." "So good to my husband and took such good care of him." "And he and I became friends, and..." "He just became..." "A rock." "I never had someone I could depend on, and it made me feel like, "don't do that." "Don't" " Don't-- Don't depend on anybody."" "Even though I knew he was dependable," "I did everything I could not to depend on him." "And then the one time I needed him the most, in that damn parking garage..." "He didn't show up." "What do you mean by he didn't show up?" "Tom didn't show up?" "I asked him to come home with me." "Why did you leave without him?" "It was our wedding night, and I remember thinking," ""Christina, just tell him to come home." "For once, just..."" "I wanted him to choose me." "Choose me." ""Don't make me ask you to be there." "Just be there."" "I wish he had showed up." "That's all." "But Nick did." "Right or wrong, he showed up." "And that's why I love him-- He shows up." "He shows up?" "When it matters." "When it matters." "How long did it take Tom to get to you?" "I have no idea." "Guess." "I don't know." "What do people tell you?" "What's your sense?" "Five minutes?" "Another day?" "I was on the phone with him when I got attacked, so I'm sure he showed up as soon as he could." "As soon as he could." "Christina!" "Yep." "And Nick?" "How soon after you were assaulted was he there?" "As soon as he got the phone call." "Can you tell me a little bit about that?" "Nick..." "Went over and beyond..." "To make sure I was safe." "And nobody has ever done that for me." "No one." "You felt safe." "I knew I was safe." "And even though your husband got there as soon as he could..." "She's unconscious. ..." "You didn't feel the same." "What did Nick do?" "What happened that gave you that sense?" "That's something I don't want to talk about." "Okay, you ready?" "Yeah." "Courtney, my love." "Where have you been?" "Oh, Steve, don't tease me." "Oh, why don't you two just do it?" "I already missed that chance." "Bobbie and I are getting married." "Oh, nice." "That's a shame." "Oh, mother of pearl." "Oh, God." "What the hell, gee?" "Court, I'm fine." "Thanks for asking." "The other day, he dropped a patient." "Oh, come on!" "I'm fine!" "I just fell!" "No, you're not!" "Tony, Tony, keep still." "Keep still." "Oh, son of a bitch." "What's wrong?" "Oh, I can't" " I can't move my legs." "What?" "I can't move my legs." "Smooth move, huh?" "You sure opened up a nice little wound." "So what's the deal?" "No, relax." "Go have some coffee." "Yeah, better make that breakfast." "I want you to get an mri scan and maybe a spinal tap and an e.M.G." "No, man, I'm good." "And maybe you hit your head and an pretty hard." "We got to get back out here." "Uh, no." "The radio's quiet." "Is this the first time your legs have gone like that?" "I slipped." "You were out there." "You saw it." "And you're saying last time he dropped a patient?" "Yeah, he did." "Okay, look, look, if you have no intention of suturing my head up, can we just" "Whoa, whoa, whoa!" "Where do you think you're going?" "Relax." "Then sew me the hell up." "Load up the rig." "I'll be out in a minute." "Okay." "I'll make it happen, captain." "Thank you." "Look, the laceration's one thing, but I'm observing symptoms that" "Go." "Huh?" "Go." "Muscle weakness, temporary paralysis" "What else has been going on?" "Thank you for your help." "Tony, this could be a serious problem." "I don't want to hear it." "You might have ALS, MS, a brain tumor..." "Steve, I told you I don't want to know." "Or a more serious neurological disorder." "Steve, Steve." "Steve!" "I told you I don't want to know." "Can you tell me a little bit about what happened to you in that garage?" "Can you tell me a little bit about that?" "Okay." "There was a woman who was being abused, someone who came into the hospital often." "And I made it a point..." "That I was gonna get her to leave her husband 'cause I ultimately knew that, one day, she wouldn't make it into the hospital." "And she left him." "And then he..." "Attacked me in the garage, and I lost..." "I lost my baby." "So, you saved her and ended up losing part of yourself?" "Yes." "Extremely difficult time that you're going through." "And I lost my husband." "Bye." "See ya." "And I lost everything I ever believed in." "You're fired!" "I'm trying to understand what everything's for." "Just you try to help people and you try to love people, and it all just ends up being extremely hurtful and painful." "I'm seeing that I have these unbearable, debilitating, suppressive standards that no one could survive under, no one could win in." "How can you love..." "Someone with those standards?" "That's not love." "That's control." "That's trying to protect yourself from feeling and falling and..." "Being alive." "Ooh." "Tony, nice one." "Are you really gonna trust me to do this?" "Ooh." "Good job there, buddy." "When was the last time I stitched you up?" "In Safwan?" "Basra?" "Well, it was the Gulf war, anyway." "I know that." "Yeah." "You want to just sew me up?" "Can you, uh, give us a minute?" "What's the deal?" "Look, I-I didn't have any kind of choice, okay?" "I came here for you to sew me up." "Now, if you don't want to do it, get somebody else." "Look, Steve knows that you and I are friends, all right?" "And he thinks something's wrong." "Nothing's wrong, except I'm sick of saying nothing's wrong." "All right." "Jess?" "Lidocaine." "Enjoy." "Bastard." "He never did like needles." "Or blood or any kind of bodily fluid, for that matter." "4-0 prolene." "But I've never worked shoulder-to-shoulder with a better corpsman in my life." "Give us another second." "I got Lou Gehrig's disease." "How do you know?" "Last year, I started showing symptoms." "Well, you can't-- You can't self-diagnose." "Occupational hazard." "I learned online that, uh, vets of the Gulf war are almost twice as likely to develop ALS." "You can't diagnose from the Internet." "It's only natural to try and deny it." "That's why I blew up at Steve." "Man, I don't want to hear what I already know." "I asked him to not t-tell me." "You know, as if I didn't hear the words" "Look, you-- You don't anything, okay?" "A-and besides, ALS has a 10% false positive." "I saw a neurologist, okay?" "Of course, he told me to get a second opinion." "And, unfortunately, today, that's what I felt like Steve gave me." "Just sew me up so I can go home, please." "I think I thought that he had some..." "Magic key that I would finally not feel alone." "Do you take Christina..." "And then to come across someone who..." "Understood me and didn't make me feel alone and..." "But then it not be right." "So now I'm questioning everything." "Nothing makes any sense." "What are you doing here?" "Ha!" "This operating room's gonna be first." "Ah." "Okay." "New tables?" "Carbon fiber, full articulation." "How about updated, upgraded air handlers?" "You know, it just rankles me to cut corners." "Why don't we just yank the whole thing out and put in a new system?" "Yeah, nobody likes to be rankled." "I confirmed with a structural engineer that we can knock out this wall and construct a surgical theater." "James River is a teaching hospital." "At least, it's supposed to be." "You know what I mean?" "You're really gonna do this, huh?" "I am doing it." "Complete renovation of all the o.R.S and surgical suite, with or without you." "Perhaps I didn't make myself clear the other day." "No, I heard what you said." "Okay." "Don't plan on staying if you don't plan on playing." "Okay." "Hit the lights on your way out." "Electric bill's a bitch." "Oh, almost forgot-- Two more things." "Whatever's going on between you and Christina is certainly your business." "That being said, please don't be living in the on-call." "It's not a good look for you or the hospital." "Find a hotel, sleep in your car, whatever." "Just..." "You know what I'm saying." "Understood." "What else?" "Full disclosure" "I've asked Christina to come back and run the hospital." "Let me tell you how unsafe feelings are." "Feelings spin you out of control." "Feelings don't help you make the right decisions." "Feelings..." "Amount to what?" "Amount to what?" "You feel for what?" "So that you can just hurt and just make a mess of everything?" "Is that what happened?" "That's exactly what happened the minute that I let myself feel something." "What are you thinking?" "What are you picturing?" "Me feeling Nick and sleeping with him." "That's what the hell I'm picturing because it was the most vibrant feeling I had had in a long time!" "So that's what feelings get you!" "That." "So my air, my oxygen, my breath..." "My..." "Coming to life..." "My resuscitation..." "Destroys a man that I love." "Congratulations, everyone." "That is, of course, if you decide to accept my offer." "And sit on the hospital's planning committee." "Good." "M-Mr." "Bryce?" "You just can't bring yourself to call me Garlan, can you?" "Um..." "I'm sure I'm not the only one at this table who's a bit stunned to find themselves suddenly appointed to this committee." "And I'm sure there's no one here at this table who is more stunned than you." "Listen, I haven't been here long." "And I may not be here long." "But while I am here, I don't like to sit still." "I'd like to get things really moving." "So" "Hi." "Hi." "Sorry to interrupt." "Your secretary told me that you'd all convened here to start making decisions?" "Is that right?" "There's a seat here, Tom, if you'd like to join us" "No, that's all right." "I'm good." "This" " This kind of stuff gives me hives." "I-I'm just here to tell you that I'm staying at James River, and here are my conditions." "They're really quite simple." "I want total control of the O.R., from hiring to firing." "I want final say on the renovations" "I want to make my own hours, I choose my own cases, and I reserve the right to pursue any RD outside James River." "Last one's a deal breaker." "Garlan, I'm not here to haggle." "Then don't." "RD exclusive to James River." "Take a look at my 5-year plan." "You'll see the research" "Okay, okay." "That's fine." "Yeah, that's it." "Let me know." "Well, we're making headway." "I love it!" "Please open your materials to page 1." "Talk to me about in the deepest recesses of your thinking..." "Yes." "How one is satisfied by..." "Dark pleasures." "What do you mean?" "Revenge." "The pleasures of eye for an eye." "What is that?" "Simply a question of morality." "Morality." "Morality." "What is moral?" "What is moral?" "Is it immoral..." "R= want someone dead who killed your child?" "Is it immoral to love a man who..." "Till the day she dies." "That's the Renata way." "Took care of you in a way that you've never been taken care of before although you are..." "Promised to someone else?" "Is it immoral to punish a friend who had your back and..." "Took your job that you know for a fact you were not in a condition to do?" "Is it immoral to be going through so much and you see your daughter going through so much, but you turn your back because you're swimming in your own abyss of confusion and pain?" "Morality?" "What the hell is that?" "Hey, get out." "No, just leave that." "What's your problem?" "I could ask you the same thing." "Tony, the paramedic-- What did you tell him?" "What?" "What did you tell him?" "You offered a differential neurologic diagnosis." "Yes, I did." "Just like that?" "Tom, he clearly had something wrong with him." "That's none of your business." "Really?" "Tony specifically told you he wasn't interested in your medical opinion." "Okay, I observed some symptoms-- That's not the point." "The point is that you crossed a line and" " And put yourself ahead of your patient's need." "What he needs is a second opinion." "Yeah, an opinion he never wanted." "I spoke to Tony's neurologist three hours ago." "He's got ALS." "Listen, Tom, I'm" "I'm sorry for your friend." "I am." "But I fail to see" "Look, I know none of this makes any sense." "But, you know, he was just-- He was just hoping that maybe his doctor was wrong, okay?" "And he was just" " He was living in denial, but he was" "He was hoping that maybe he could just will it away." "I don't understand." "You're saying he was right to ignore his disease?" "I'm saying just respect your patient's request, okay?" "You cannot treat someone who doesn't want to be treated!" "You're a doctor." "It's called boundaries!" "Do you have any idea what love is?" "I can tell you that we come to know love growing up." "What do you remember about your childhood?" "The house was silent." "There was nothing." "I would have loved to have heard one shout." "I would have loved to have heard laughter." "Anything." "It was just silent." "If I was late for my mother's medication, maybe a few moments..." "So that's what I remember." "And when you picture that, how old are you?" "6." "6?" "You're 6, and you're giving your mother medication?" "My mother, she was ill." "Crohn's disease." "And I took care of her until she died, when I was in high school." "I can't remember her not being ill." "Did you have any brothers or sisters?" "No." "So it was just you?" "Yes." "You wanted love." "You gave nurturing, which is love." "Where was your father?" "He was around." "He was around?" "Yes, he was around." "But I know it was hard and there was pain." "And you talk about your father in a very distant way." "Angry?" "I don't think I really had time to be angry." "Maybe anger wasn't so safe." "You took care of business." "Things had to get done." "I didn't have time to feel." "I probably should have..." "Told Tom..." "What I needed." "I should have told Michael what I needed." "To tell my father what I needed." "Where was your father?" "What do you remember?" "Unconscious on the couch with the privilege of being absent, not having to watch a woman he loves die." "He didn't walk through this impossible situation with you?" "No." "So, I had a conversation with your neurologist." "And, based on the symptoms, it does, in fact, appear that you're in the early stages of ALS." "I'm sorry, Tony." "Have you told kendra?" "No." "And I won't..." "Until I can't hide this any longer." "And don't call her." "You're my doctor here, not my friend." "Mm-hmm." "I would rather have bought it in Iraq than face this." "You will not be able to save my life." "Look, Tony, you know there are things we can do to alleviate the symptoms as they progress." "Until I am eventually a functional quadriplegic?" "How's that for a contradiction?" ""Functional quadriplegic."" "I can, uh, almost wrap my mind around the idea that I will be laying in a bed, not being able to move a muscle." "I mean, by that time, of course, my mind will be the only thing working." "What really terrifies me is that, eventually, I'll just..." "Suffocate." "Not being able to breathe scares the ever-loving daylights out of me." "And then I'd be put on a respirator that will be taking every single breath." "Okay." "Okay, all right." "We have to take it one day at a time, right?" "All right, so, uh..." "What do I do first?" "Quit my job?" "Can't be an e.M.T. Anymore." "We saw how well I did this morning." "So where does that leave me?" "At home, I guess..." "With my wife and kids..." "Who will eventually get to dress me and feed me..." "Wipe my chin, blow my nose, brush my teeth..." "Ugh!" "No!" "I have not told kendra!" "Would you tell your wife, Tommy?" "!" "I don't think you would." "I'm sorry." "No rooms at all?" "The bookseller's convention." "Okay, um, thank you.?" "People still read books?" "Oh, don't-- Don't get up." "I just wanted to stop by before I went home tonight." "This is a nice office." "Thank you." "Yeah." "I suppose I need to pick one out for myself eventually." "This would be nice." "Oh, thank you, by the way." "I appreciate you making up your mind and getting back to me so quickly." "I just want this hospital to be great." "Oh, I know that." "I can see it." "You were all kinds of revved up today, weren't you?" "Just strolling into my meeting like that." "Don't do anything like that again, Tom." "It was an affront to me and your colleagues." "Are we good?" "Absolutely." "And, so, Christina" "If she should decide to come back..." "It's like you told me this morning" "That's your business." "Okay." "Good, great." "Thanks." "Good night." "Good night." "Say, how big would you say this room is?" "It's exactly 15'x18'." "15', yeah." "This is a nice office." "Christina, I see you have some blocks." "I want to ask you if you'll let me try something." "Try what?" "Think of this as a little trust exercise." "Okay, a trust exercise." "Can you do that?" "Yes, I can do that." "Can you relax?" "Connect to your breath and allow yourself to revisit your childhood home." "Can you see that?" "Yes." "And just be aware of what you see..." "And what you smell and what you hear." "I hear moaning." "Darkness..." "And silence." "And what do you hear now?" "Outside the window, it sounds like..." "They're trying to break in." "And I'm terrified." "I run to my father." "He looks like he's sleeping." "And I say, "daddy, daddy." "Wake up, daddy."" "He's not waking up." "Daddy!" "I'm so scared." "I think somebody's trying to break in." "Daddy!" "And then there's a rattle at the back door." "And I grab a knife in the kitchen, and I run upstairs to my mother and shut the door." "And I say, "if there's a God, please, please" "God, please make sure we're okay."" "And I hope daddy's not dead." "And I..." "Am so angry at him." "I am so angry." "I'm so mad." "How could he do that?" "Why..." "Did you..." "Bring me here if you're gonna be passed-out drunk when I need your protection?" "Why?" "Son of a bitch." "Okay." "Okay, I'll take that." "You cheat on your husband, and it's my fault." "I know I didn't show up, but you could damn sure show up for you." "Now do it." "And let me rest." "So your father wasn't there to protect you." "And Tom wasn't there, either." "What we know about love when we grow up is what we experience again." "Yeah." "With everything that you've heard today, do you think I'm worthy of forgiveness?" "For having failed in knowing how to love." "You've proven you do know how to love." "What are you gonna do for yourself?" "I got to get with me." "And I don't know if I'm in anything that I can actually salvage." "But I know for damn sure..." "Me?" "I still got that left." "And what are you gonna do about Tom?" "I don't know." "What are you gonna do about Nick?" "I don't know." "But I tell you what." "I don't feel bad about not knowing." "But I don't know." "What are you gonna do about yourself?" "I plan..." "To show up..." "For Christina." "That's my biggest plan of all for me." "I'm gonna show up." "Hey." "Hey." "Sorry." "Didn't mean to scare you." "I, uh..." "I let myself in." "I hope you don't mind." "No." "I need you to sign these." "I thought it would be best if I brought them by myself." "What are they?" "Divorce papers." "I'm going out of town, so if I could deal with that when I get back, that'd be..." "Helpful." "Okay."