"MAYBE WE SHOULD TAKE A BREAK, SIR." "WE'VE BEEN AT THIS FOR HOURS." "CHARLIE, NO ONE EVER SAID RUNNING THIS CITY WAS EASY." "OKAY." "YOUR NEXT PIECE OF FAN MAIL" "COMES FROM BILLY KLUG, AGE 9." ""DEAR MR. MAYOR, I'M IN THE HOSPITAL." "IF YOU SENT ME YOUR PHOTO, IT WOULD MAKE ME HAPPY."" "HAND ME A PHOTO." "I'M GONNA SIGN THIS ONE PERSONALLY." "THIS ONE IS FROM A 10th-GRADER FROM PUBLIC SCHOOL 104." "I JUST APPROVED A PAY RAISE FOR THEIR TEACHERS." ""MR. MAYOR, I THINK YOU ARE MORE BETTER" "THAN OUR LAST MAYOR."" "CAN WE GET OUR MONEY BACK?" "OH, I'M SORRY ABOUT THAT, STUART." ""WINSTON..." "THE NEXT TIME I SEE YOU, YOU ARE A DEAD MAN."" "I SAID I WAS SORRY." "IT SOUNDS LIKE A DEATH THREAT." ""I FIND YOUR TEMERITY BEYOND REPROACH."" "WELL, WE KNOW ONE THING " "THIS GUY DIDN'T GO TO P.S. 104." "YES, I'LL HOLD." "DON'T MOVE." "THERE'S SOMETHING ON THAT DESK." "BE NICE." "I COULDN'T LEAVE RAGS HOME TODAY." "WE HAVE A RAT PROBLEM." "YEAH, THEY KEEP TRYING TO MATE WITH HIM." "HIS HAIR LOOKS A LITTLE LONGER." "HAS HE BEEN DIPPING IN YOUR ROGAINE?" "THESE ARE HAIR EXTENSIONS." "READY FOR OUR MEETING WITH THE BASEBALL GUY?" "YEP." "REMEMBER, WE JUST WANT THEM TO MOVE" "THEIR TEAM TO STATEN ISLAND," "SO PLEASE DON'T START" "ONE OF YOUR BORING BASEBALL LECTURES." "SO THIS MORNING WHEN I EXPLAINED HOW EXPANSION IS WATERING DOWN" "MAJOR LEAGUE PITCHING, THAT WAS BORING?" "SORRY TO KEEP YOU WAITING, MR. CLAREMONT." "I'M CHARLIE CRAWFORD." "CHARLIE CRAWFORD." "YOU LOOK FAMILIAR." "WERE YOU IN THE SERVICE?" "DOES COMMUNITY SERVICE COUNT?" "YOU PLAYED THIRD BASE FOR WESTON HIGH SCHOOL." "I WAS A SCOUT BACK THEN." "YOU GOT A GREAT MEMORY." "YOU HAD SOME, UH, PRETTY GOOD STATS YOUR SENIOR YEAR." "DID I?" "BECAUSE FOR ME IT WAS ALL ABOUT THE TEAM." "THE FACT THAT I HIT .407" "WITH 59 RBIs AND 12 DINGERS " "THAT WAS JUST GRAVY." "CHARLIE, LET'S FOCUS ON WHAT'S IMPORTANT." "YOU'RE RIGHT." "I WAS ALSO A GREAT FIELDER." "I'LL COME BACK." "WELL, WE'D LIKE TO MOVE THE TEAM AS SOON AS POSSIBLE." "IN FACT, WE HAVE A TRYOUT GAME TOMORROW." "CAN ANYONE TRY OUT FOR THE TEAM?" "NOT ANYONE." "YOU NEED TO HAVE REALLY EXCELLED" "AT THE HIGH SCHOOL AND COLLEGE LEVEL." "LIKE SOMEONE WHO WAS MVP AT WESTON HIGH" "THREE YEARS RUNNING?" "IF YOU'RE INTERESTED IN THE TRYOUT," "I CAN GET YOU IN THE GAME." "I DON'T KNOW." "I'M A VERY BUSY MAN." "I MIGHT BE ABLE TO CLEAR SOME TIME IN THE AFTERNOON." "THE GAME'S IN THE MORNING." "PERFECT." "REMEMBER THE PLAY I MADE TO WIN THE CHAMPIONSHIP?" "IT WAS A HOT SMASH DOWN THE THIRD-BASE LINE." "I SNARED IT, CAME UP FIRING -- DO YOU REMEMBER THAT?" "GOOD GOD!" "THAT WAS SOME PLAY, HUH?" "NO, THERE'S A GIANT POSSUM BEHIND US." "[ CHUCKLES ]" "[ High-pitched voice ] SORRY!" "WHY WOULD ANYONE WANT TO KILL ME?" "PUBLIC FIGURES ARE OFTEN TARGETED BY SOCIOPATHS." "PLUS YOU'RE AN EASY MARK." "ANY GUY WITH HALF A BRAIN AND A RIFLE" "COULD POP YOUR HEAD OFF LIKE A COCONUT." "PAUL, LET'S SWITCH SEATS." "MR. MAYOR, THIS IS MIKE VIOLA FROM DOWNTOWN SECURITY." "THANK YOU, ANGIE." "DOWNTOWN SECURITY?" "THE MAYOR HIRED US TO PROTECT HIM." "YOUR BODYGUARD WOULD TAKE A BULLET FOR ME." "TRUE?" "YES, SIR." "EXCELLENT." "LESS EXCELLENT FOR YOU." "NOW, OUR FIRST ORDER OF BUSINESS" "IS TO ASSIGN YOU ALL CODE NAMES." "MR. MAYOR, YOU'RE SILVER FOX." "Nice." "MR. BONDEK, YOU'RE LONE WOLF." "SWEET." "WHAT'S MINE?" "YOUR CODE NAME IS FLAPJACK." "FLAPJACK?" "!" "HOW COME THEY GET COOL NAMES " " I GET FLAPJACK?" "!" "THEY'RE RANDOMLY ASSIGNED." "ALL MY LIFE I'VE BEEN STUCK WITH LOUSY NICKNAMES." "IN HIGH SCHOOL I WAS CALLED BUTTCAKE." "PLEASE, I'M BEGGING YOU -- ANYTHING BUT FLAPJACK." "VIOLA TO COMMAND CENTER." "MR. LASSITER'S CODE NAME IS NO LONGER FLAPJACK." "THANK YOU IT'S NOW BUTTCAKE." "WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU?" "I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR 45 MINUTES." "I WAS DOWN IN ACCOUNTING." "YOU KNOW THOSE BEAN COUNTERS." "ALL THEY UNDERSTAND IS BRUTE FORCE." "I WAS AT THE BATTING CAGES." "WELL, NOW THAT YOU'RE HERE," "I WANT TO SHOW YOU SOME RESEARCH THAT I DID ON THE STADIUM." "I'VE GATHERED ALL THE FIGURES, AND IF YOU LOOK AT THIS..." "[ CROWD CHEERING ]" "I'M BOB COSTAS, AND, FOLKS, THIS IS IT " "WORLD SERIES, GAME 7, ALL TIED UP, BOTTOM OF THE 9th." "AT THE PLATE, CHARLIE CRAWFORD " "ALL-STAR GAME MVP, GOLDEN GLOVE WINNER," "AND OCCASIONAL BACKUP GUITARIST FOR THE ROLLING STONES." "IT'S INTERESTING TO NOTE" "THAT CRAWFORD HAS DEDICATED THIS GAME TO HIS GIRLFRIENDS," "ELLE MACPHERSON AND GWYNETH PALTROW." "HERE'S THE PITCH." "SWING AND A LONG DRIVE, WAY BACK AND GONE " "A HOME RUN!" "CHARLIE CRAWFORD HAS WON THE WORLD SERIES" "FOR THE NEW YORK YANKEES." "WHAT A FITTING END TO A STELLAR SEASON." "YOU KNOW, A LOT OF EYEBROWS WERE RAISED" "WHEN THIS HANDSOME DEVIL" "BROKE THE BILLION-DOLLAR SALARY MARK," "BUT I SAY HE'S WORTH EVERY PENNY." "YAH!" "HYAH!" "YAH!" "YAH!" "AAAAAAAH!" "HYAH!" "Crowd:" "CHARLIE!" "CHARLIE!" "CHARLIE!" "CHARLIE..." "HYAH!" "YEAH, THAT'S THE BEST RESEARCH I'VE EVER SEEN." "FOCUS." "WE HAVE THAT STADIUM MEETING FIRST THING TOMORROW." "OH, ABOUT THAT -- WOULD IT BE COOL IF I SKIPPED IT" "AND TRIED OUT FOR A MINOR-LEAGUE BASEBALL TEAM?" "SURE, FINE." "WHY NOT?" "IN FACT, I'LL SKIP THE MEETING, TOO," "SO I CAN FLY TO L.A. AND BECOME A LAKER GIRL." "THIS IS IMPORTANT." "IS THIS SOME SORT OF MIDLIFE CRISIS?" "WHY CAN'T YOU JUST GO BALD AND BUY A PORSCHE" "LIKE NORMAL MEN?" "LOOK, GROWING UP, I WAS THE BEST BALLPLAYER" "MY HIGH SCHOOL HAD EVER SEEN." "DIDN'T YOU GO TO THE SAME SCHOOL AS REGGIE JACKSON?" "HE DIDN'T HAVE MY FLAIR." "ANYWAY, MY COACH PULLED SOME STRINGS" "AND GOT ME A PRO TRYOUT." "I WAS GONNA BLOW EVERYBODY AWAY." "BUT WHEN I GOT DOWN THERE," "I COULDN'T BELIEVE THE CALIBER OF TALENT." "SO I LOST MY NERVE AND WALKED STRAIGHT INTO THE NEAREST BAR." "THAT'S TERRIBLE." "NOT REALLY." "IT WAS NICKEL BEER NIGHT." "I MEANT QUITTING." "NOT A WEEK GOES BY THAT I DON'T THINK, "WHAT IF."" "THAT'S WHY I HAVE TO DO THIS, CAITLIN." "I GOTTA PUT THIS BEHIND ME." "I JUST WANNA GO OUT THERE AND JUST GET ONE HIT." "I UNDERSTAND." "I KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO HAVE AN UNFULFILLED DREAM." "LAKER GIRL?" "[ Voice breaking ] I HAD MORE SPIRIT THAN THEY EVER KNEW." "THE MAYOR'S APPROVAL RATING IS UP" "WITH THE ELDERLY AND WOMEN." "BUT IF YOU LOOK AT THE NEXT CHART," "ONE THING BECOMES OBVIOUS." "IT'S OBVIOUS PAUL WAS THE LEAST POPULAR GUY AT HEDONISM." "ALL RIGHT, STUART..." "WHERE'D YOU GET THE PICTURE?" "HEY, IT'S NOT MY FAULT" "YOU LEFT YOUR VACATION SLIDES LOCKED IN YOUR DESK." "STUART, I'M VERY DISAPPOINTED WITH YOU." "THANK YOU, SIR." "I WOULD RATHER HAVE SEEN THE ONE OF PAUL'S HULA LESSON." "SIR, GIVE ME SOME CREDIT." "[ LAUGHS ]" "[ LAUGHS ]" "EXCUSE ME, STUART." "I REFUSE TO STAY HERE AND BE HUMILIATED." "BUTTCAKE ON THE MOVE." "MR. LASSITER, AFTER A SECURITY REVIEW OF CITY HALL," "WE DETERMINED THAT BEING PRESS SECRETARY" "PUTS YOU AT A VERY HIGH RISK." "OH, GREAT " " LIKE MY DAY HASN'T BEEN BAD ENOUGH." "WE'VE DECIDED, IF YOU WOULD LIKE," "THAT WE WILL PROVIDE YOU" "WITH YOUR OWN PERSONAL SECURITY GUARD." "MY OWN PERSONAL SECURITY GUARD" "THAT WOULD PROTECT ME FROM ANYONE?" "THAT'S CORRECT, SIR." "YES, I THINK I'D LIKE THAT." "HI." "I'M TRYING TO FIND A PITCHER NAMED CARSON." "YEAH, HE'S IN THE LOCKER ROOM." "JUST LOOK FOR NUMBER 33." "HI." "UM..." "WHICH ONE OF YOU IS CARSON?" "I MEAN THE REAL CARSON." "I'M CARRYING HIS BABY." "LOOK, IT'S NOT THAT THE NIGHT WE SPENT TOGETHER" "WASN'T SPECIAL " "I'M NOT PREGNANT." "OH, THANK GOD." "YOU'RE PITCHING TODAY, RIGHT?" "I NEED YOU TO TAKE IT EASY ON ONE OF THE BATTERS." "I DON'T DO THAT." "YOU KNOW, YOU'RE REALLY CUTE." "WHO'S THE GUY?" "PAUL, DID YOU JUST KICK ME?" "WHY, YES, I DID." "WHO'S THIS GUY?" "VINCE IS MY NEW PERSONAL SECURITY GUARD." "HE'S A FORMER GREEN BERET AND HAS A BLACK BELT IN KARATE." "IS THERE A PROBLEM HERE, MR. LASSITER?" "I'M NOT SURE." "IS THERE A PROBLEM, STUART?" "HEH HEH." "NO." "NO PROBLEM HERE " "JUST TALKING WITH MY GOOD BUDDY PAUL." "VINCE..." "OW, OW, OW, OW, OW, OW!" "OW!" "MAKE HIM STOP!" "THAT'S ENOUGH FOR NOW." "[ INDISTINCT SHOUTING ]" "HOW'D YOU GET THE PITCHER TO AGREE" "TO TAKE IT EASY ON CHARLIE?" "I JUST PROMISED I'D ATTEND HIS NEXT GAME..." "AND HIS PROM." "WHAT MAKES YOU THINK HE'LL ACTUALLY DO IT?" "JUST A HUNCH." "[ CROWD CHEERING ]" "WAY TO GO, CHARLIE!" "YOU THE MAN!" "WHOO!" "OH, THIS IS FANTASTIC." "CHARLIE GOT HIS HIT." "NOW HE CAN FORGET ABOUT BASEBALL AND MOVE ON." "HA HA HA!" "I AM SO MAKING THIS TEAM!" "[ CHEERING ]" "SO, WHAT ARE YOU WEARING TO THE PROM?" "HEY." "IT'S MY GOOD BUDDY CARTER" "AND HIS TRUSTY..." "ALL RIGHT, WHAT IS THIS THING?" "RAGS IS A RARE, PRIZEWINNING BREED." "HE'S 1/2 SCHNAUZER," "A 1/4 BICHON, 3/5 COCKAPOO, 1/5 SHIH TZU," "AND 1/5..." "WOODCHUCK." "YOU'RE IN A PRETTY GOOD MOOD." "AND WHY SHOULDN'T I BE?" "AS OF TODAY, I AM A LEGITIMATE MAJOR LEAGUE PROSPECT." "CHARLIE, IT WAS JUST ONE HOME RUN." "ONE HOME RUN OFF THEIR TOP DRAFT PICK." "THAT GUY'S GONNA BE THROWING FOR THE YANKEES NEXT YEAR." "IF I DO WELL IN THE NEXT GAME, WHO KNOWS?" "!" "I COULD MAKE THE TEAM." "I LOVE THIS LITTLE GUY." "HERE." "HE MIGHT NEED THIS." "CAITLIN..." "YOU GOTTA TELL CHARLIE" "THAT PITCHER WASN'T REALLY TRYING." "HE'S GETTING COMPLETELY CARRIED AWAY." "HOW DO YOU TELL A MAN HIS DREAM IS OVER?" "IF MEMORY SERVES, YOU TELL HIM," ""YOU CAN'T SING, YOU CAN'T DANCE," "AND YOU LOOK LOUSY IN THAT CAT SUIT."" "HEY, STUART..." "DID YOU FINISH PROOFREADING MY PRESS RELEASE?" "YES." "ALL RIGHT." "RUN DOWN TO RICHIE'S DELI " "PICK ME UP A TUNA SALAD SANDWICH." "OH, MAKE SURE YOU PICK OUT ALL THE CELERY BITS." "PAUL..." "ONE DAY YOU ARE GOING TO PAY FOR THIS." "OH, I'M SHAKING IN MY SHOES " "THE ONES YOU JUST SHINED." "OH, HEY!" "DID YOU GUYS HEAR THE NEWS?" "!" "IT TURNS OUT THIS THREAT AGAINST ME" "WAS NOTHING BUT A PRANK BY A COUPLE OF KIDS." "CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?" "THE GOOD NEWS IS WE DON'T NEED THE SECURITY ANY LONGER," "SO THANKS, GUYS, VERY MUCH." "MR. MAYOR..." "MR. MAYOR!" "MR. MAYOR, COULDN'T WE JUST KEEP ON A FEW SECURITY GUARDS," "JUST FOR GOOD LUCK?" "THERE'S NO NEED AS LONG AS I'M OUT OF DANGER, PAUL." ""MR. MAYOR..." "YOU WILL SOON BE DEAD" "BECAUSE I'M GOING TO CHOP YOUR HEAD OFF."" "I AM A GENIUS." "IF ANYONE'S CAR IS PARKED BEHIND CENTER FIELD," "YOU MIGHT WANT TO MOVE IT NOW." "LOOKS LIKE CHARLIE'S ON HIS OWN." "COULDN'T MAKE ANOTHER DEAL WITH THE PITCHER?" "HE'S BACK WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND." "ALL RIGHT, KID." "THROW ME THAT WEAK-ASS..." "STRIKE ONE!" "[ Thinking ] WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?" "OKAY." "I GOT CAUGHT OFF GUARD." "DIG IN..." "HEAD DOWN..." "WATCH IT." "WATCH IT." "STRIKE TWO!" "HE WASN'T THROWING THIS HARD YESTERDAY." "YOUR HOT FRIEND TOLD HIM NOT TO." "WHAT?" "SHE SAID SHE'D GO ON A DATE WITH HIM" "IF HE SERVED YOU A COUPLE MEATBALLS." "I'M GONNA STRIKE OUT LIKE PAUL AT A NIGHTCLUB." "YOU PLAYED THIS GAME FOR 20 YEARS." "YOU KNOW HOW TO GET ON BASE." "DEAD BALL!" "TAKE YOUR BASE!" "OH, MAN, THAT HURT." "I STILL HAVE THREE MORE AT-BATS." "HEY, STUART." "WHAT YOU EATING?" "CORNED BEEF ON RYE." "HMM." "LOOKS GOOD." "YOU REALIZE YOUR THUG ISN'T HERE TO PROTECT YOU ANYMORE." "ANGIE, CALL AN AMBULANCE." "TELL THEM SOMEONE GOT THROWN OUT A WINDOW TWO MINUTES FROM NOW." "HEY, HAVE YOU HEARD?" "!" "I GOT ANOTHER THREATENING LETTER." "SIR, THAT'S TERRIBLE." "Welcome back, Vince." "DOES THIS LOOK FAMILIAR, MR. LASSITER?" "NO, NO, NOT REALLY." "LOOK WHAT WE FOUND ON THE LETTER, SIR." "I HATE TO SAY THIS, PAUL," "BUT YOUR WANTING TO KILL ME MAY COLOR MY JUDGMENT" "COME BONUS TIME." "SIR, I'M SORRY." "I NEVER MEANT TO CHOP YOUR HEAD OFF." "IT'S JUST THAT STUART'S BEEN PICKING ON ME A LOT LATELY," "AND HAVING A SECURITY GUARD ALLOWED ME TO STAND UP TO HIM." "YOU KNOW, WHEN I WAS IN THE 10th GRADE," "THERE WAS A BULLY WHO WOULDN'T LEAVE ME ALONE." "FOR SIX MONTHS I LIVED IN FEAR OF THIS GUY," "AND THEN ONE DAY I MUSTERED UP ALL OF MY COURAGE," "AND I PUT AN END TO IT." "HOW?" "I HAD MY DAD BUY HIM A NEW PAIR OF SKIS." "IN HINDSIGHT, I WISH I HADN'T." "I WISH I HAD LOOKED HIM STRAIGHT IN THE EYE" "AND SAID..." ""I HAVE ONE THING TO SAY TO YOU " "I WILL NOT..." "BE..." "PUSHED..." "AROUND."" "THANK YOU, SIR." "THAT'S JUST WHAT I NEEDED TO HEAR." "THAT'S MY BOY." "GO GET 'EM!" "STUART, I'VE GOT ONE THING TO SAY TO YOU " "WHAT KIND OF SKIS DO YOU LIKE?" "SO, HOW YOU DOING?" "HOW DO YOU THINK I'M DOING?" "I GOT HIT BY A PITCH, MADE THREE ERRORS," "AND THE CROWD IS BOOING ME." "THEY'RE NOT BOOING YOU, CHARLIE." "THEY'RE SAYING, "CHARLIE-E-E-E-O-O-O-OOH!"" "I THINK I DID HEAR ONE GUY BOOING." "I'M GONNA GO TALK TO HIM." "LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE." "AT LEAST YOU GOT THAT GREAT HIT YESTERDAY." "NOT REALLY." "I KNOW ABOUT YOU AND THAT PITCHER." "FIRST HE BLOWS ME OFF FOR THE PROM," "AND NOW HE TELLS ON ME?" "!" "THANKS A LOT, CAITLIN." "YOU MADE ME LOOK LIKE A REAL IDIOT." "I WAS JUST TRYING TO HELP YOU." "I KNEW HOW IMPORTANT THIS WAS TO YOU," "AND I DIDN'T WANT YOU TO BE DISAPPOINTED." "WELL, I'VE HAD ENOUGH HUMILIATION FOR ONE DAY." "I'M GETTING OUTTA HERE." "SO YOU'RE JUST GONNA WALK AWAY?" "ACTUALLY, I COULD USE A RIDE." "MAYBE YOU CAN GO FLASH A CABBY FOR ME." "CHARLIE, YOU CAN'T LEAVE." "YOU OWE IT TO YOURSELF TO FINISH THE GAME." "BECAUSE IF I DON'T," "I'LL BE QUITTING LIKE I DID IN HIGH SCHOOL, RIGHT?" "NO, BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO HEAR YOU WHINING," ""IF ONLY I HAD TAKEN THAT LAST AT-BAT." "WAH-HAH, BOO-HOO."" "THAT'S LESS INSPIRING." "ALL YOU WANTED WAS ONE HIT, RIGHT?" "YEAH." "SO GO DO IT." "YOU WANT IT IN THE THIGH OR THE CHEST?" "[ DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS ]" "SAFE!" "[ CHEERING ]" "HA HA!" "YES!" "HA HA HA HA!" "YOU'RE OUTTA THERE!" "GAME OVER!" "[ BOOING ]" "CONGRATULATIONS." "YOU GOT YOUR HIT." "YEAH." "I GUESS I DID." "ARE YOU READY TO GO?" "NO, YOU GUYS GO AHEAD." "I'M GONNA GRAB MY GEAR." "NUMBER 79..." "THIRD BASEMAN..." "CHARLIE CRAWFORD." "[ CROWD CHEERING ]" "SO CHARLIE GOT TO LIVE OUT HIS FANTASY." "HEY, YOU THINK DOGS HAVE FANTASIES?" "I DON'T KNOW." "DO YOU HAVE A FANTASY, BOY?" "DO YOU HAVE A FANTASY?" "OH, THAT'S A GOOD BOY." "YOU'RE JUST THE BEST BOY, AREN'T YOU?" "WHO IS THE MOST HANDSOME DOG IN THE ENTIRE WORLD?" "WHO IS HE?" "IS THAT YOU?" "IS THAT YOU, MY LITTLE BABY?" "OH, YES, YOU ARE MY LITTLE BABY." " [MAN] SIT, UBU, SIT." "GOOD DOG." "[UBU BARKS]"