"I suppose you're as surprised as I was to see a money tree like this." "The ones I've seen have always been much taller." "I smudged that one." "The ink wasn't dry yet." "Last year, my entire crop was wiped out by grasshoppers." "I finally tried insect spray." "But by that time, the grasshoppers were so rich, they could afford gas masks." "Actually, I have no regard for money." "Aside from its purchasing power, it's completely useless as far as I'm concerned." "Unfortunately, the leading characters in tonight's play do not share my detachment." "You shall see what befell them in a moment." "You home already?" "I was washing." "I didn't know it was so late." "I'll dish your supper right up." "Don't get mad." "Tonight I won't get mad at nothing, Anna." "One of the tenants give you a nice tip, Carl?" "The tips I get from them cheapskate tenants, we could starve." "The tenants think a janitor's a dog or something, good enough to throw him a bone." "If them cheapskates only knew." "Knew what?" "Don't a man get his supper?" "Yeah, right away." "It's all ready." "I just have to dish it up." "They had a sale on stew meat today." "I think you're gonna like it." "Tonight I like anything." "Something good must have happened to you." "Well, them beer bottles, that's four cents right there." "Four cents!" "What's the matter?" "I look funny or something?" "Sure you look funny, but that ain't why I'm laughing." "You stop off at Otto's bar?" "I get drunk tonight," "I ain't going to no cheap place like Otto's." "Eat your stew." "Maybe I'll eat my stew and maybe I'll go out and eat steak." "What happened to you, anyway?" "I never heard you talk like this before." "The boss give you a raise?" "The boss." "He's a cheapskate just like the tenants." "Fat chance I get a raise." "What are you so happy about then?" "Shut up with the questions." "Eat." "The cheapskate tenants, the boss." "With his tie and his stickpin." ""There goes Carl Gaminsky, taking out the garbage. "" "They hold their noses." "If they only knew." "Knew what, Carl?" "Come on, tell me." "Yeah." ""Gaminsky, the janitor, the dog." "Throw him a bone. "" "That's what you think." "You, the boss, the tenants, all of them." "Don't you?" "You must have had a beer or something." "Yeah." "You're like all the rest." "When Gaminsky goes by, you hold your nose." "Well, hold your nose at this." "A wallet!" "Don't go grabbing." "Where did you find it?" "Under a paper I picked up." "That's swell leather, ain't it?" "You think the leather's swell?" "Look at this." "$100 bill!" "They're all $100 bills." "All 52 of them." "52?" "$5200!" "My gosh." "Do you think them cheapskate tenants would hold their noses if I walked by now?" "$5200!" "Gee, I wonder who lost it." "There's no name, no driver's license, no nothing." "Just $5200." "Imagine what a person could buy with money like that." "I was downtown shopping today and I was just thinking..." "Did you buy anything?" "You know I never buy anything." "I was just looking." "Gee, they have the most beautiful things in those stores." "I can't help it I don't make no money." "I know you can't, Carl." "But I can't help liking beautiful things, either." "I seen a manicure set there today I'd give anything for." "A manicure set?" "Yeah." "I used to have very pretty hands and nails." "Everybody said they was my best feature." "Look at them now." "Yeah, you ought to handle garbage and ash-cans all day and see how your hands would look!" "Carl, how much of a reward do you think you might get, huh?" "Whoever you turn that money into is sure gonna give you a big reward." "My gosh, $5200!" "I bet they might even give you $100 maybe or more." "How do you think I'm gonna return it, no name, no nothing." "Yeah." "Maybe you could ask at the police station?" "I bet they could tell you how to find the man." "The police." "Oh, sure." "Or we could read the papers." "Hey, that's a good idea." "We could read the ads in the papers." "Gee, anybody who lost that much money is sure gonna put an ad in the paper." "Oh, eat, I said." "I can't." "I'm so excited, my stomach's all nervous." "I gotta take some of that medicine of mine." "Spending money on medicine?" "We can't afford this." "Get that into your head." "I don't take very much of it." "Anyway, I didn't buy this." "My sister gave it to me." "You know that." "Hey, listen, Carl." "You wasn't thinking of keeping that money, was you?" "Who said I was gonna keep it?" "No, that wouldn't be right." "Maybe that's the life savings of some poor old lady or maybe some young couple got it together to buy a new house with it." "Wouldn't be right to keep it." "I ain't gonna keep it!" "Besides, you're gonna get a big reward." "I know that." "I'll bet it will be even more than $100." "Maybe it will be $200 even, or $300." "Carl, if you get that reward, you think maybe I could buy that manicure set?" "It's only $5.95." "Here we ain't got a reward, we ain't got anything, and you want to spend $5.95!" "I only said, "maybe. "" "Answer it, Anna." "Me?" "Well, I ain't going to the door with all this money in my pocket, when I don't know who it is." "Who do you suppose it is at suppertime?" "Answer it." "I'm coming." "Yes?" "Does Carl Gaminsky live here?" "Yes." "I'm Mrs. Gaminsky." "Is your husband home?" "Well..." "You want to see me?" "You're Carl Gaminsky?" "Yeah." "What do you want?" "Money, Mr. Gaminsky." "Money." "All right, copper, you'll get it." "How'd you get my name?" "From the people next door." "I always do that when we raise money for the Police Benevolent Fund." "You collect money for the Policeman's Fund, you say?" "That's right." "For a minute" "I didn't know where I'd kept my money." "This okay?" "Oh, yes, sir!" "The Fund thanks you very much." "Good night." "Officer." "Yes, lady?" "Just before you come, my husband and I was wondering what would you do if you found something that was lost." "You return it to the owner, lady." "What if you don't know who the owner is?" "If there is no identification, you can do one of three things." "You can advertise or you can check the ads or you can turn the article over to the Police Lost and Found Department." "If at the end of six months, the owner hasn't claimed the article, you can claim it for yourself." "Why?" "What was it you found?" "Oh, it wasn't me, it was..." "The elevator man in the building where I work." "Well, you tell him he's got to make a sincere effort to find the owner or he's got to turn it over to the police." "If he doesn't, he's breaking the law." "He can go to jail!" "I'll tell him." "I'm looking for the ad." "What ad?" "For the wallet, naturally." "Where's my breakfast?" ""Lost, Siamese cat." ""Locket with baby picture." ""Pair of glasses. " Oh, here's another cat." "Where's my breakfast?" "Here's your coffee." "I'll get your oatmeal right away." "How's a man supposed to work if he don't eat?" "Here it is!" "Look!" ""Lost." "Vicinity of 12th Street yesterday," ""billfold with initials G.E. Stamped." ""Generous reward to finder." ""Call WA 6-2131" ""or apply 713 St. James Road. "" "If he's so generous, why doesn't he pay for an ad people can see?" ""Call WA 6-2131 or apply 713... "" "Come on, why don't you call him?" "Let me drink my coffee." "Oh, come on, don't you want to find out how much the reward's gonna be?" "Ain't you interested?" "Yeah, sure." "But I think it's better I go there, instead of phoning." "Why?" "Suppose that cop last night had called up and said he was coming to collect for the Police Fund." "You think I'd given him $5 if I'd had the chance to think it over?" "Get my oatmeal." "It'd be the same with this fellow." "I call him." "I say I got his money." "Boy, is he happy." "He's willing to give me $500." "$500!" "My gosh." "When he first hears about it, he's so happy." "But then he's got an hour or two to think things over and he says to himself," ""$500, that's a lot of money to give somebody" ""for bending over and picking a wallet up off the street." ""$300 ought to be plenty or maybe $100."" "By the time I give him the money, I'll be lucky if I get $20." "Why don't you call him up and ask him on the telephone first how much it's gonna be?" "What's there to keep him from changing his mind between now and when I give him the money?" "Gee, I can't hardly wait to find out how much that reward's gonna be, Carl." "I'll go there after work." "I could take it over." "I could go over this afternoon." "I found it." "I'll take it." "One thing I'll say about you, Anna, you make a good cup of coffee." "How much was it?" "How much was what?" "The reward." "Remember I told you about the taxi driver who found $100 and got only $2 reward?" "He didn't give you just $2?" "No, he didn't give me $2." "He give me nothing." "Nothing?" "He said thanks." "Nothing at all?" "You got tonight's paper here?" "Why?" "I'm gonna find the number of that so-and-so and I'm gonna call him up and tell him what I think of him!" "No, Anna." "Why not?" "We could have kept the money!" "You didn't wanna." "You said it might belong to some old lady or some young couple saving for a house." "I bet it wasn't nobody like that, was it?" "Well, no." "I'm gonna call him!" "I'm gonna call him!" "You ain't, Anna." "You do and you gonna be sorry." "Why?" "This is a rich, important fellow." "How do I know he don't know the guy who owns the building where I work?" "How do I know he can't get me fired?" "You call him, you gonna be sorry, see!" "Get me my supper." "Hello." "What's the matter, Anna, you dumb?" "No." "I'm still mad about that reward." "Forget about it, that was over two weeks ago." "What does that matter?" "Look at this house!" "It's like a pigpen." "That stove's all fallen apart." "I can't get it clean." "Whole house is a mess." "If I just had a little money, I could make everything so pretty." "I could have some curtains..." "Look at my hands." "Look at my hands." "Well, never mind." "I'll fix your lunch." "First I got to get these papers in the attic." "Give me a piece off of them papers so I can try to get the grease off of this stove." "These papers are worth money." "Well, give me one page." "It's not going to kill you." "Anything so you shut up." ""Owner of billfold," ""stamped with letters G.E.," ""lost in vicinity of 12th Street two weeks ago," ""extremely anxious for its return." ""Generous reward." "Call... "" "Call WA 6-2131..." "Carl, open the door." "What do you want?" "Go away." "You don't want me to go away." "Or I might go to that man's house on St. James Road." "What man?" "Don't try to fool me no more, Carl." "You want to keep the money." "It's all right with me." "But I want my share." "And don't try to hide it from me neither." "I may have to ask the police to come and help me find it." "Ain't they pretty?" "It's called Nasturtium Red." "You like the color?" "$5.95!" "So you can look like a cheap..." "You don't have to worry about the money." "They said you don't have to pay till the first of the month." "They was very nice about opening a charge account." "As soon as I told them how you worked in the same place for so long, we owned this house and everything, they was fine." "I ought to whip you good." "Why?" "Just because I want to look nice?" "Just because I want the house to look nice?" "Wait till you see the pretty curtains I ordered!" "I couldn't hardly wait for you to come home." "You are gonna be so surprised." "Come on now, close your eyes." "Don't look till I tell you to." "Now, keep your eyes closed." "Okay." "Isn't that the most beautiful furniture you ever saw?" "Isn't that a pretty coffee table?" "Anna..." "See, and these chairs, they both match to the sofa." "Anna!" "You gotta stop this buying things." "Why?" "We got plenty of money." "You think it's gonna last forever?" "I got the two pillows for $1.98." "Is this a new dress?" "Yeah." "I got it in the basement." "$11.95." "And I got me some hand lotion, too." "It was only 59 cents." "It was on sale." "Makes my hand so smooth." "Feel..." "You slapped my hand." "So what?" "You're all upset, Carl." "You ought to take some of that nerve medicine." "I'm going out." "Supper is almost ready." "I'm going out, I said." "What's that?" "It's a fur coat." "Ain't it beautiful?" "A fur coat!" "You're a janitor's wife!" "What you want with a fur coat?" "There ain't a woman in the world don't want a fur coat." "And I've finally got mine." "You got it now but you ain't gonna have it long." "Because right now you're gonna get on the telephone and phone that store and tell them to come and get that coat!" "All right." "I'll call them if you want, if you say so." "I say so." "But I'll also call WA 6-2131." "Go ahead!" "Or maybe I might even call the Police Lost and Found." "I think they'd be very interested to know how long you kept that money." "You remember that the policeman said that there was a law against it." "You're in this just as much as I am!" "You found the money." "I didn't." "I found the money and I'm going to keep it, see?" "Not unless I get my share, you ain't!" "Your share!" "You want everything!" "I don't." "But I'm sick of this stingy, penny-pinching life with you." "You and your newspapers and your bottles, you old junkman." "You're nothing but a rotten miser." "Now we got a little bit of money," "I'm gonna have a few of the things that other women have." "I'm gonna bust you real good!" "No." "You wouldn't have the nerve." "You wouldn't dare." "The worst you ever did was slap my hand." "You wouldn't have the nerve to slap me real hard." "Like this." "Go ahead, call the police." "Do anything." "But understand one thing." "That fur coat is going back." "So is everything else you bought." "Including that stuff for manicures!" "Your best feature!" "I'll say they are!" "You certainly ain't got nothing else worth looking at!" "I'm gonna call the police." "Call them!" "Call them!" "I'm gonna call the police." "Yeah." "$22.50 for a stupid statuette!" "Operator!" "Operator, give me the police." "What's it good for?" "Call them, call them!" "Is it the police?" "Tell them I'll be upstairs." "Who do I talk to about Lost and Found?" "Yes, I'll wait." "Hello." "Is this the Lost and Found..." "Never mind." "I thought I lost something." "But I just this minute found it." "Thank you very much." "Carl." "I brought you a cup of coffee." "I suppose you brought the police for me, too." "No, I changed my mind." "I decided not to call them." "And I'm gonna send the fur coat and the furniture back just like you said." "Here's your coffee." "So, we ain't gonna buy no more stuff?" "No, not unless you say so." "Here, drink your coffee." "Just a second." "Why did you change your mind?" "Well, I deci..." "I decided that it wasn't fair." "After all, you found the money." "I didn't." "So you ain't gonna buy nothing unless I say so." "No, never." "Drink your coffee before it gets cold." "How come you still got that fur coat on, hmm?" "I decided to wear it a little longer." "It looks pretty on me, don't it?" "Get up." "I'd like to see the back of that coat." "How dumb do you think I am?" "One thing I got to say about you, Anna, you sure make a good cup of coffee!" "Naturally, no one was the winner in that little merry-go-round." "No one except the local art store owner." "The demand for statuettes shot up to astronomical heights." "It was surpassed only by the amount of coffee that was sold." "By the way, I thought my money tree was a bad influence on me." "So I sold it." "However, I had the foresight to strip it completely." ""Void if detached. "" "Good night."