"Well, you got no place to go." "I'll tell you what your problem is:" "you brought your queen out too fast." "What do you think?" "She's one of these feminists looking to get out of the house?" "No, the queen is old fashioned." "Likes to stay home, cook." "Take care of her man." "Make sure he feels good." "Checkmate." "I don't think we should see each other any more." "Shut up!" "Shut up!" "You stupid mutt." "And you broke up with her 'cuz she beat you at chess?" "That's pretty sick." "I don't see how I could perform sexually in a situation after something like that." "I was completely emasculated." "Anyway, it's not the only reason." "Yeah, what else?" "All right." "You wanna know what one of her favorite expressions is?" "Happy, Pappy?" "Happy, Pappy?" "What does that mean?" "Like if she wants to know if I'm pleased with something, she'll say, "Happy, Pappy?"" "Oh, you're "Pappy"." "I'm "Pappy"." "Oh, I get it." "So that's not so bad." "Oh, come on." "What, are you kidding?" "So tell her not to say it." "I'm much more comfortable criticizing people behind there backs." "Anyway, look who's talking." "You just broke up with with Melanie last week because she "shuushed you"" "while you were watching TV." "Hey, I got a real thing about "shushing"!" "What is this?" "Did you ever get the feeling like you've had a haircut but you didn't have one?" "I'm all itchy back here." "Ahh." "What?" "What is this?" "What are we doing?" "What in god's name are we doing?" "What?" "OUR LIVES!" "." "What kind of lives are these?" "We're like children." "We're not men." "No, we're not." "We're not men." "We come up with all these stupid reasons to break up with these women." "I know." "I know." "That's what I do." "That's what I do." "Are we going to be sitting here when we're sixty like two idiots?" "We should be having dinner with our sons when we're sixty." "We're pathetic... you know that?" "Yeah, like I don't know that I'm pathetic." "Why can't I be normal?" "Yes." "Me, too." "I wanna be normal." "Normal." "It would be nice to care about someone." "Yes" "Yes." "Care." "You know who I think about a lot?" "Remember Susan ?" "The one that used to work for NBC?" "Yeah." "I thought she became a lesbian." "No." "It didn't take." "Oh." "Did I tell you I ran into her last week?" "Ho-ho, she looked great." "Hmm." "You thought she was good looking, right?" "See, there you go again." "What is the difference what I think?" "I was just curious." "Well, this is it." "I'm really gonna do something about my life, you know?" "You know, I think I'm gonna call Melanie again." "So what if she shushed me." "George, I am really gonna make some changes." "Yes." "Changes." "I'm serious about it." "Think I'M not?" "I'm not kidding." "Me, too." "Melanie, you can shush me at every opportunity." "So we're all straight now ?" "You're Happy Pappy ?" "Oh, it was just an expression." "All right, well, that's very sweet of you." "Okay, I'll call you later." "All right, bye." "Hey!" "What?" "I had a very interesting lunch with George Costanza today." "Really?" "We were talking about our lives and we both kind of realized we're kids." "We're not men." "So, then you asked yourselves, "isn't there something more to life?"" "Yes." "We did." "Yeah, well, let me clue you in on something." "There isn't." "There isn't?" "Absolutely not." "I mean, what are you thinking about, Jerry?" "Marriage?" "Family?" "Well..." "They're prisons." "Man made prisons." "You're doing time." "You get up in the morning." "She's there." "You go to sleep at night." "She's there." "It's like you gotta ask permission to use the bathroom." "Is it all right if I use the bathroom now?" "Really?" "Yeah, and you can forget about watching TV while you're eating." "I can?" "Oh, yeah." "You know why?" "Because it's dinner time." "And you know what you do at dinner?" "What?" "You talk about your day." "How was your day today?" "Did you have a good day today or a bad day today?" "Well, what kind of day was it?" "Well, I don't know." "How about you?" "How was your day?" "Boy." "It's sad , Jerry." "It's a sad state of affairs." "I'm glad we had this talk." "Oh, you have no idea." "Hey." "Hey." "Three hours of sleep again last night." "Three hours of sleep because of that dog." "What dog?" "Why don't you call the police?" "I did Jerry, they won't do anything." "Yeah." "What dog?" "There is this dog in the courtyard across from my bedroom window that never ever stops barking." "Don't..." "I lost my voice to scream at this thing." "I can't sleep." "I can't work." "I mean, I just moved." "I can't move again." "What am I gonna do?" "What?" "What am I gonna do?" "Well, there is something you can do." "What?" "Kramer, I'll do anything." "Well, what if there should be an unfortunate accident?" "You're gonna rub out the dog?" "No, no." "Not me." "I just happen to know someone who specializes in exactely these  kinds of sticky situations." "Uh-huh." "What, you're considering this?" "Look, just meet with him, see what he has to say, you got nothing to lose." "I don't really know why I'm here." "Kramer, talked me into coming up here." "Of course." "Obviously." "Uh, so, anyway, I'm sorry for wasting your time."