"to a dreadful dynasty of vicious vampire ducks." "The Counts of Duckula!" "Legend has it that these fowl beings can be destroyed... by a stake through the heart or exposure to sunlight." "This does not suffice, however... for they may be brought back to life... by means of a sacred rite... that can be performed once a century... when the moon is in the eighth house of Aquarius!" " Batswing blood." " I'll get it!" "The latest reincarnation did not run according to plan." "Ooh!" "In the heart of Transylvania" "In the Vampire Hall of Fame, yeah" "There's not a vampire zanier than" "Duckula" "He won't bite beast or man" "'Cause he's a vegetarian" "And things never run to plan for" "Duckula" "If you're lookin' for some fun" "You can always count upon" "The wild and wacky one they call" "Duckula" "Heh heh!" "Count Duckula!" "Heh heh heh!" "Amidst the jagged peaks of bonny Scotland... an evil hitherto unknown in these parts... creeps slowly through the gloaming." "What a place to get a flat." "How much longer are you gonna be, Igor?" "I'm doing my best, sir." "I never was mechanically minded." "And our selection of tools leaves a lot to be desired." "Never mind excuses, Igor." "It's lucky we had Nanny to use as a jack." "Are you all right, Nanny?" "Oh, I'm fine Master Duckula... but I can't see no sign of Jack." "Oh, dear." "Oh, well, that's the best I can do, milord." "You can come out now, Nanny... or I fear it'll break down again in a couple of miles." "Don't be such a misery, Igor." "And come on... we'll never get to the Glen Sparrows Hotel at this rate." "Yes, sir." "All aboard." "But I do wish, sir, that we had come to Scotland... in the traditional way..." "by castle." "I told you it was due for a service, Igor." "Besides, all my monster-detecting gear... is scientifically built into this trailer." "Oh, dear, I'll never get supper ready... with all this junk around." "Junk, Nanny?" "Oh, that's high technology... macrosensitive monster-monitoring machinery." "I, Count Duckula... am about to prove the existence of the Loch Ness Monster." "Oh, really, sir." "How a vampire duck of your breeding... can believe in that Loch Ness monster story." "Just keep your eye on the road, Igor." "I can't wait to get to Glen Sparrows Hotel." "Look at that." "Every room has it's own four-poster bed... a jacuzzi, and a putting green." "Should get a little golf in between monster tracking." "See that you polish my five iron and iron my plus fours." "Very good, milord." "The Glen Sparrows Hotel." "Little does he know that I shall take him to McCastle McDuckula... home of his father's father's uncle's uncle..." "Rory McDuckula, the scourge of the Glens." "There he would at last lead my master... into the powers of evil that he has for so long resisted." "Look, Igor." "Are you quite sure this is the Glen Sparrows Hotel?" "I hope you're not doubting my efficiency, milord." "No, no, no, no, no." "Only it doesn't look anything like the brochure." "You know what these travel firms are like, sir." "Yeah, well... right." " Nanny?" " Yes, Master Duckula?" "Stable the werewolf, will you?" "Yes, Master Duckula." "Get the stable lad to give you a hand." "He'll be pretty hungry after that journey." "Extremely hungry." "Get him to give you a leg as well, Nanny." "Very good, Mr. Igor." "I shall bring your bags in, milord." "Would you like..." "Hold on, hold on!" "Where are ye frae?" "I knew you'd taken a wrong turning, Igor." "We're in Siberia." "That, sir, is Scots." "Scots?" "Do you mean that's how they talk in these parts?" "I'm afraid so, milord." "Where are ye frae?" "Where are ye frae?" "Ah, I see what you're getting at." "You want to know where our fray is." "Excuse me while I ask my man." "I don't concern myself with things like that." "Igor, Igor, what on earth is a fray?" "I think you'll find, sir... that he wishes to know where we are from." "Oi, where are ye frae?" "This is Count Duckula of Transylvania... and I am his butler, Igor." "And you'll be the hotel manager, right?" "Whisht awa' bickering' brattle." "Lang may your Sauchiehall Street." "Yes." "Well, if you don't mind, I'll just call you Jock." "I wonder if I might just have a word with you." "Mutter, mutter, mutter, mutter, mutter..." " Count Duckula." " Oh, aye?" "Mutter, mutter, mutter, nephew's nephew's son's son." "Jangs!" "Mutter, mutter, mutter, Glen Sparrows Hotel." " Oh, aye." " Mutter, mutter, mutter, pretend." "Mutter, mutter, mutter, manager." "Oh, aye." "Aye." "A fearfully refined good day to Your Lordship." "Terribly honored that you have seen fit... to stay in our humble wee hotel." "Great Scot!" "Oh, sorry." "I understood pretty well every word he said." "Oh, aye, sir." "You'll soon get the hang of it." "Now, would you care to follow me?" "And I'll show you the rooms what we have prepared for you." "Oh, "what he has"." "He speaks wonderful English." "Bring the bags, will you, Nanny?" "Right you are, Master Duckula." "No, Nanny." "No, Nanny!" "Take them out of the trailer first." "Oh, silly old me." "I thought this was supposed to be a four-poster." "Aye, this is one of our famous four-poster bedrooms." "But the bed's not a four-poster." "Oh, no, sir." "The bedroom is." "There's a poster on each wall." "Look!" "This is ridiculous." "What about the jacuzzi?" "Oh, we don't get any trouble from that sort of person here, sir." "Eh?" "No, no." "The whirlpool bath." "Oh, that sir." "Well, there's a wash basin there... with a stainless steel egg whisk." "Oh, really, I can't!" "Ah, I see you do at least have the putting green." "Oh, yes, sir." "Pass me my putter, Igor." "Here we are, sir." "Right." "I wonder if I could have a golf ball." "Oh, certainly." "Here we are, sir." "Saxpence." " Saxpence?" " Saxpence." " Oh, all right, here." " Thank you." "It's gone." "Well, naturally, sir." "You holed it." "Oh, well, isn't there another?" "One moment, sir." "Your ball, sir." " Oh, thank you." " Saxpence." " Saxpence?" " Saxpence." "I don't believe this." "Right, forget the golf." "We'll unpack and dress for dinner." "Very good, sir." "Thank you, sir." "I'll see you in the dining room, then." "Waiting for the other guests, are we?" "Other guests?" "There are no other guests, sir." "Hello?" "Hello?" "Jangs, sir, that's fearfully good." "I never saw your beak move." "That's because I didn't say anything." "Oh, away with you, sir." "Anybody at home there is, ja?" "Accents, too!" "Jangs, your master's fearfully talented, Mr. Igor." "Hello?" "It's Dr. Von Goosewing, Nanny." "Ah, so, this the Ruritania Guest House is, ja?" "Och, ye're no crummit wi' the slackbarra... ye doonhaggled wee..." "No, no." "It's the Glen Sparrows Hotel." "Und where that would be, ja?" "Not too far from Glen Sparrows." "Ach!" "I told Heinrich that compass was no good." "What's wrong with the compass?" "Pointing north it is all the time." "Yes?" "Well, going south we were." "Oh, yes." "Why didn't I think of that?" "Can I be of any assistance?" "A first class room I had booked... und another fifth class for Heinrich here." "I see." "So you need one room for you... and one for Mr. Here?" " And one for Heinrich." " Three rooms?" " Nein!" " Nine rooms?" " Two rooms!" " Who's sharing?" "Who's caring?" "It's happening again." "Should we start again?" "No, no, anything but that." "Excuse me." "What?" "Oh, yes." "I'm most fearfully sorry to bother you... but am I right for the Tower of London?" "Hey, fancy dress." "Fancy that." "Of this a photo I must have." "The Tower of London's 400 miles away." "Tut!" "I knew I should never have listened to Shakespeare." "Good job I know a shortcut." "Oh, yes." "Well, good-bye, then." "Good day." "Good day." "Are you all right?" "Apart from a bump on my head, I seem to have lost my touch." "Great Scot!" "Oh, I'm sorry." "You seem to have lost your head." "Will somebody show the old fool where the door is?" "He's always doing that." " This way, sir." " Most kind." "Never used to bother with doors." "Can't understand it." "Fearfully kind." "Oh, dear!" "Whatever will Cromwell think?" "Hohenzollern Sigmaringen!" "Something funny here is going on." "Well, not very funny." "On the picture nothing out is coming." "Nothing out is coming?" "Yeah, I noticed that, too." "Oh, well, that's because..." "Ja, because he a wampire was!" "Wampire was?" "No!" "No, it's because..." "Ja, ja, ja, I show you." "I show you another picture of mine host I am taking." " Yes, but..." " Now you will see... that this time we are having a photograph of mine host." "I know, but you haven't..." "Oh, great, I'd love a wee photo of meself." " Yes, but, you see..." " Und here it comes." " Blank!" " Oh, jangs, no!" "So, you are a wampire, too!" "Oh, well, everybody knows that." "Don't humor him." "He's serious." "Ja!" "Und now you will perish." "Heinrich, bring the wampire blaster, quick!" "Heinrich?" "Heinrich!" "Oh, betratten dang verboten." "Never around when I want him." "Now... you stay where you are, you willain." " Oh, aye, I'm willin'." " See?" "Condemned from his own beak." "Heinrich!" "Heinrich!" " You know, I like that wee fellow." " You like him?" "Aye, he's the only one who's ever believed I'm a vampire." "Oh, yes." "Oh, good shot, milord." "Where did it go, Igor?" "It seemed, sir, to be on the green." "Come to that, where's Nanny?" "She's supposed to be the caddy, but she's never..." "Yoo-hoo!" "Nanny, what are you doing over there?" " That was a close one." " Close one, Nanny?" "Your ball nearly fell down a hole." "Nanny, what are you trying to say?" "That hole on the smooth bit." "You... you mean to... when the... if I..." "Yes, but I seen the danger flag, you see... and I just saved it." "You wants to be more careful." "They don't grow on trees, you know." "Nanny!" "I could have got an albatross!" "Oh?" "Who's Albert Ross?" "Albatross!" "Eagle, birdie, you silly old hen." "Oh, now that's naughty talk." "I get your ball for you, I carry your bag." "Drop it, Nanny." "Drop it." "Oh, well, if you say so, Mr. Igor." "Not the bag, you half-wit." "The subject." " And the ball." " Very good, Master Duckula." " Nanny!" " Well, I'm only..." "All right, all right." "I'll play the shot from here." "Yeah." "Give me an iron, Nanny." "Thank you..." "No, Nanny." "No, Nanny." "No, no, no!" "Ooh, we are in a mood today." "I want a club, a golf club." "I want to chip to the green." "I just hope I don't get a slice." "Now, let's see." "Give me a five iron, Nanny." "Fore!" "Is this a five iron, Nanny?" "No, of course it's not." "It's a four." " Well, I want a five!" " Give that here." "Oh, you have got it on you today." "Fore!" "You won't play at all if you goes on like this." "Nanny, give me the club." "Not till you say you're sorry." " Give me the club!" " Sir?" "Sir, I'll deal with her." "Nanny, the club." " Well?" " Let me have it." "Are you sure?" "Yes, Nanny, I'm sure." "I'm not gonna look." "I'm not gonna look." "Oh, dear." "Look at Mr. Igor." "He's dropped off." "So, with the antlers und the bagpipes..." "I have a wampire blaster for myself constructed." "Now, I fill the bag of the pipes... with the essence von garlic." "So... and take the side along the antler... und fire!" "So... nothing." "Why is this..." "So, it works!" "Good job I ain't no wampire... or quite giddy it might have made me." "Now the wicious wampire is..." "Is your wee friend any better?" "I think he's coming round." "Milord." "It's all right, Igor." "Stay where you are." "Where's Nanny?" "She isn't here, is she?" "You won't let her hit me, will you?" "Now, now, Igor, it's all right." "The lady's outside in the grounds, Mr. Igor... practicing for the Highland Games." "Great Scot!" "Oh, I'm sorry." "Oh, no!" "No!" "Now, Igor, don't worry." "She can't hurt you here." "Hang on, I'll get you another aspirin." "I don't think I'd bother if I were you." "He seems to have nodded off again." "So he has." "Best thing for..." " What was that?" " Oh, not him again." "I say..." "I say..." "Try the door, you great gowk." "I don't seem to be able..." "Can't you get in, my dear?" " Nanny?" " No, I don't seem..." "Never mind, my dear." "You just follow me." "I could do that when I was younger." "I don't remember all the dust, though." "Oh, hello, Master Duckula." "You haven't seen a bit of a stick, have you?" "Yes, Nanny, I have." "Poor old Igor tried to head the blessed thing." "Oh, silly thing." " He might have hurt himself." " Nanny..." "First he wants me to hit him with a golf club... and now he's nodding the caber." "He must be going soft in the head." "Well, I'll get back to my practice." "I think I'm getting the hang of it now." "Aye, well, close the wall behind you when you go out." "Silly." "Excuse me, but am I right for the Tower of Lond..." "Don't I know your face?" "Well, of course you know my face." "You asked me the same question about twelve pages ago." "Oh, dear." "No wonder I thought the landscape was familiar." "You've been going around in circles." "Yes." "I move in aristocratic circles." "Oh, I see what you mean." "You mean, I've been going round in..." " Circles." " That's the word." "Well, better be getting along." "It's all right." "I'll show myself out." "Tut!" "I do wish I'd look where you were going." "Igor." "Igor!" "Are you all right?" "Would you like another aspirin?" "No." "The last one seems to have made my headache worse." "All I need is a little peace and..." "Oh, no." "So, you snake in the grass." " Who, me?" " You!" " I'm a duck, sonny." " What?" "Oh, you're so literal." "OK." " So, you duck in the grass." " Heather." "I thought your name was Rory, Heather." "No, it's Rory McDuckula, Von Goosewing." "Hey, what a coincidence." "My name is Von Goosewing, too." "I think I knew your father..." "Von Goosewing the First." "It's happening again." "It's happening again." "What I mean is that I'm no in the grass." "I'm in the heather." "Oh, ja." "Stupid old me." "I start again." "OK, you duck in the heather... your reign of terror is at an end!" "What's that you've got there?" "This is mine supplementary hand-made blaster... und with it, you I am going to blast." "Quick, Rory, quick!" "Bite his neck." "Oh, no, he's the wrong collar size." " Rory?" "!" " Too late!" "Loaded with garlic is mine wampire blaster... und to let you have it I am going!" "Rory?" "Vampire?" "Igor!" "This isn't the Glen Sparrows Hotel." "Come on, let's get out of here." "To the trailer." "Oh, do stay, sir." "I'm sure..." " Igor." " Oh, very well, sir." "I do apologize, Mr. Rory, sir." "We seem..." "Come on, Igor." "We're going." "Going?" "But ye have nae paid the bill." "What's happening?" "You are not going to London by any chance?" "Hey, quick, after them!" "We'll take that balloon of yours." "We must catch Count Duckula." "He's no paid his bill." "Count Duckula?" "!" "Yes, indeed we must." "This way." "Do you mind if I come along, too?" "Faster, Igor!" "Faster!" "Slow down, Master Duckula!" "I'm trying to make us a nice cup of tea." "There they are." "They think they can stay with Rory McDuckula for free, do they?" "Faster, Igor!" "Faster!" "He's after my neck!" "I'm afraid going faster is the least of our problems, sir." "It's slowing down that may be difficult." "Why?" "What do you mean?" "The brakes have failed, milord." "Oh, no!" "They're getting away." "They're getting away." "Descend." "Descend!" "This is a balloon, not a jet plane." "Do you mind putting me off at the next junction?" "Look, Igor, there's a lake at the bottom of this hill." "Oh, that'll be the famous Loch Ness, milord." "You were anxious to visit it, I believe." "But not drown in it, Igor!" "Igor, do something!" "That's more like it." "I feel sick." "Well, put your head between your knees." "Right." "You owe me four pounds, ten shillings and saxpence." "And you owe me four pounds, ten shillings and sixpence... for hire of balloon." "And what about all my equipment ruined?" "And I think we've got another puncture." "Nanny, go and make us a cup of tea." "Oh, look, I've seen one..." "a vampire duck." "Don't be silly." "It's a fragment of your imagination." "Good night out there, whatever you are." "If you're feeling..." "Or you're kind of..." "Could be you've met up with" "Duckula" "If your knees go..." "And your teeth go..." "Maybe you've bumped into" "Duckula" "He flies through the night" "Looking for a bite" "But he's back home by daylight" "Duckula" "If you're sort of..." "Or you're a little..." "It's certain you've run into" "Duckula" "If your heart goes..." "Or your mind goes..." "Man, you had a brush with" "Duckula" "So watch out for the..." "Beware of the..." "And pray you'll never meet with" "Duckula" "Count Duckula"