"Morning, Bubba." "What you doing here so early?" "I stopped by for a cup of coffee." " Yeah?" "Where's Pop?" " He's gettin' the coffee." " Can I see that sports page?" " Yeah." "Here." "Pop, could you make that two coffees?" "You're gonna have to yell louder." "He went to the store to get it." "What's the matter with him?" "He knows if I don't have coffee when I get up... my hands start to shake and my eyes get all blurry." "That's funny." "That happens to me after I drink your father's coffee." " I can't wait." "I'm going to the diner." " Wait." "He'll be back soon." "Are you kidding?" "The way he moves?" "It takes him over an hour just to make Minute Rice." "He won't be gone that long." "He's not walking." "He took the truck." "He took the truck?" "He didn't!" " What's the matter with that?" " He's a rotten driver." "Who, Fred?" "He's been driving before you were born." "Yeah, and that was a good time for him to be driving too... 'cause there was fewer people on the streets to be hit." " Did he take his glasses?" " Yeah, he took three pair." "One for driving, one for reading and one for his dizzy spells." "We're in trouble now, Bubba." "Listen, Lamont." "My mother always said..." ""No sense in worrying about something that hasn't happened yet. "" "You're right." " Uh-oh." "You can start worrying now." " What's goin' on?" "What happened?" " It's okay." "Your father had an accident." " I'll handle this." "It's okay." "Your father had an accident." "Okay, what happened?" "Who'd you hit and how many people are dead?" "I didn't hit nobody." "They hit me." "They rammed me from the rear." "I was sitting, minding my own business, then all of a sudden, wham!" "Hold it." ""Driver struck vehicle... while sitting, minding his own business, when all of a sudden, bam!"" "No." "Wham." "That's W-H-A-M." "That's "ham" with a W in front." "I know." "What happened then?" "Then I almost went through the windshield." "That's W-I-N-D..." "Well, if you can spell "wham," you can spell "windshield. "" " Weren't you wearing your seat belts?" " What?" "Your seat belts." "Don't you have seat belts in the truck?" "First things come first." "We just had the seat put in last week." "You were struck from behind." "Then what?" "Then the guy that hit me, he just went around and drove off." "Did you get a license number or see who was driving the car?" "No, I didn't get no license number, but I saw who was driving the car." "It was a white fella driving a black Cadillac." " Are you sure about that, Pop?" " Sure, I'm sure." "There's more white men in black Cadillacs... than there is black men in white Cadillacs." "So it was a white man in a black Cadillac." "Mr. Sanford, as far as you can ascertain... did you suffer any bodily injuries such as fractures, contusions or concussions?" "Did you get done in?" "I didn't get done in." "I feel all right." "I just got shook up a little." "You had to take the truck, didn't you?" "Who told you to take the truck?" "Nobody had to tell me to take the truck." "It's my truck." "I got civil rights." " You don't even have a driver's license." " You don't tell me what I have." "What do you think is in here?" "Look at that." "What does that look like?" "It looks like a J.C. Penney charge plate." "Wait a minute." "Oh, here it is." "What does that say?" ""California Driver's License." "Fred Sanford. "" "S" " A-N-F-O-R-D." "Period." " May I see the license please?" " You wouldn't wanna see a bad picture." "Let's go down, take a look at that truck." " Where is the truck?" " Down at the corner." " Is that down by Fulmer Street?" " Yeah." "Okay, we'll have a look." "Wait till Lamont sees the back of that truck." "He's gonna blow his top." " Forget about the truck." " I can't." " Forget about Lamont." " I'd like to." "Listen to me, Fred." "You don't know this... but, man, you are sitting on top of a gold mine." "I'm what?" "Didn't you say you were stopped and another car rammed into you from behind?" " Yeah." " Cadillac?" " Yeah." " White man?" " Yeah." " You sitting on top of a gold mine!" " What are you talking about?" " You ever hear of whiplash?" "Whiplash." "Is that the movie with Buster Crabbe?" "No!" "You're thinking about Whipsaw." "That's right, Whipsaw." "I can see it now." "It was a movie on television." "You know who was in it?" "Dennis Morgan and Ida "Lupini. "" "It must've been Spencer Tracy and Myrna Loy." "Let me tell you." "Sit down." "Spencer Tracy, he was a plainclothes detective, and he was trailing Myrna Loy." "When he got to this farmhouse, they went inside to see if they could help." "And as they tried to help this farmer, his wife was having quintuplets." "They had to stay all night long." "And the next morning, he said to her..." ""Are you all right?"" "And then she said, "Of course I'm all right. "" "He said, "You bet you're all right. "" "Watch this, Bubba." "He hit her on the chin like this..." ""You bet you're all right. "" "We're not talking about Whipsaw." "We're talking about whiplash." "Whiplash is what you get when you get hit from behind." " The insurance companies pay real big." " They do, huh?" "I'm telling you, Fred, you're in the clear." "It's always the guy that hits you in the back that's to blame." "He has to pay." "Every time." " Every time?" " Every time." " I was hit from the back." " Yes, you were." " By a Cadillac." " Right." " Driven by a white man." " Yeah." "Bubba, you know, I am sitting on top of a gold mine." "That's what I've been trying to tell you." " What do I do now?" " You don't do nothing." "Tell 'em about your neck feeling funny." "Make a big thing out of it." "Maybe I should go back to where I had the accident and lay down in the street." "No, you don't have to." "Just keep talking about your neck feeling funny." "Well, my neck is starting to feel funny right now." "Good." "Just see how funny you can make it feel." "Don't worry, Bubba." "When I get finished, my neck will be hysterical." " Watch out." "They're coming back." " I'll be ready for 'em." "There's not that much damage." "It could've been a lot worse." " What's the matter with you?" " My neck's feeling funny." " Your neck?" " Yeah." "I can't move it." "See?" "A few minutes ago your neck was fine." "It ain't fine now." "I'm sick and my neck hurts." "Tell him, Bubba." "That's right." "As soon as you all went out, he told me his neck felt funny." "Is it a stiff, painful feeling?" "Yeah." "Yeah, that's what it is." "A stiff, painful feeling." "And I can't even turn it." "See?" "That's common when you're hit from behind." "You've probably got a whiplash." "Whiplash." "That's what I got is whiplash." "You hear that, Lamont?" "Where are you?" "Where are you, son?" "You wanna know where I am?" "Standing right behind you." "That's what I got, Bubba." "Whiplash." "I can see from here you got a whiplash." "Ain't it true..." "Ain't it true that I can sue when I get this whiplash, Swanny?" "Speaking off the record, I can tell you... that in cases where vehicle one is struck from behind by vehicle two... the occupant of vehicle one is in a legal position... to obtain monetary compensation from the occupant of vehicle two... that party being liable for all damages incurred by the occupant of vehicle one." "Brother, you're sitting on top of a gold mine." " Smitty." " Huh?" "What?" "Oh, oh." "Listen." "What I mean is... we can't lay any legal advice on you." "All we can do is get the facts." " You got my name?" " Yeah." " You got whiplash?" " Right." "That's all the facts you need." "Mr. Sanford, we'll get right on it." "You'll be hearing from us." "I wanna hear from that guy who was driving that Cadillac." "He's responsible." "I'm gonna sue him for everything he's got." " Right in." " On." "On." "Congratulations, Fred." "Beautiful!" "And thanks, Bubba, for tipping me off about that whiplash." " It rhymes with "getcash. "" " Yeah!" "Are you two serious?" " You think you'll get away with this?" " What are you talking about?" "About how you claim you got hit by a white man in a Cadillac." " You think I'm lying?" " No, I think you're dreaming." "It's better to dream about getting hit by a white man in a Cadillac... than by a black man in a Toyota." "I ain't dreaming." "And I'll betcha he'll think twice... before he comes driving around this neighborhood again in his big Cadillac." "Pop, what?" "The streets are public." "You can drive wherever you want." " You think so?" " That's right." "Did you ever try cruising through Beverly Hills?" "No, but I can if I want to." "You do that." "And you'll come away feeling like a cheap watch." "What is that supposed to mean?" "It means you'll be stopped every few seconds." "Explain to me how come your neck is all of a sudden all right." "Oh, there it goes again!" "Can you hear it click?" "Listen." "Well, it was clicking." "You can die from something like this." "You hear that, Elizabeth?" "I'm comin' to join you, honey, with a clicking neck." "Fred, I hope you sue the pants off the guy that hit you." "I am." "I'm gonna sue him for everything I can get." "Just wait till I get in that witness chair." "Look, Bubba." "I'm in the witness chair." "You're the one asking the questions." "Ask me what happened." " What happened, Mr. Sanford?" " I got hit from the back." " Ask me who hit me." " Who hit you, Mr. Sanford?" "A white man in a new Cadillac." " Ask me what I'm sitting on." " What are you sitting on, Mr. Sanford?" "I am sitting on top of a gold mine, Your Honor." "A gold mine in the sky" "Far away, far away" "Hey, Pop, I'm down." "Is breakfast ready yet?" " Morning, son." " What is that?" " What does it look like?" " You really wanna know?" "You look like a big, fat turtle." "Be careful when you go to the beach." "Some kid will make a pet outta you." " Are you finished?" " I wanna know where did you get that." "Bubba gave it to me." "You gotta wear one of these when you got whiplash." "It makes it more correct when you go to collect." " You're really counting on that." " Why shouldn't I?" "Why shouldn't you?" "A:" "They have no other witnesses who saw the other car." "B:" "They might not ever find the other car." "C:" "I think you made the whole thing up." " Shall I continue?" " No, I'll continue." "D:" "You're a dummy." "E:" "Everybody knows about whiplash." "F:" "They gonna find the man." "And G:" "I wish you would get the H outta here." " I wonder who that is." " I don't know." "You ain't getting no money for that whiplash, I'll betcha." "You're not getting a cent, because you drummed up the whole thing." " Mr. Sanford?" "Fred Sanford?" " Yeah." "I'm Dr. Caldwell." "Your friend, Bubba, suggested that I come by and have a look at you." "Come on in, Doc." "This is my son, Lamont." " Good morning, young man." " Say, what's going on, Pop?" "Bubba said you gotta have a doctor to prove that you got whiplash." "You just can't tell 'em." "You gotta have a doctor." " And you're a doctor?" " In some states." "And you're gonna examine my pop?" "That's the purpose of my call." "How can you prove if a man has whiplash?" "Mr. Sanford, after you were struck from behind, did your neck feel funny?" "Yeah." "This man has whiplash." "That's all there is to it?" "That's absolutely all there is to it." "Tell me something, Doctor." "Are you a bone specialist?" "No." "I'm a whiplash specialist." " That's all you do?" " Just about." "It's a pretty big field." "I think it's third in the country today." "Obstetrics, dermatology and whiplash." "And they pay a lot of money for that, don't they?" " That depends." "Who hit you?" " A white man in a new Cadillac." "I'd start taking some French lessons." "Why?" "Why would I take French lessons?" "It'll be easier when you go to live on the French Riviera." "Mademoiselle from Armentieres Parlez-vous" "And that will be ten dollars." "Here is my telephone number." "There's always somebody there." "Caldwell and Caldwell." "Caldwell?" "Is that your brother?" "He's a doctor too?" "Oh, no, that's my father." "The telephone's in his name." "Good day, gentlemen." "Thanks a lot, Doc." "You better get a doctor to see about that cough, Doc." "You still worried?" "You heard the doctor say I can get money for this." "They pay good." "They." "Wait until they find out that you're faking this whole thing." " Who's faking?" " You are." " I'm not." "I got a pain in the neck." " You have, huh?" "Yeah, and the more I talk to you, it moves downward." "I still say that you're faking." "You didn't even know what whiplash was." "I do now." "When you get hit from the back, that's whiplash." "When you get hit from the front, that's one across the lips." " Now what?" " Wait a minute." "That's him." "Come on out." "I want you to see something." " Mr. Sanford?" " Yeah." "Don Sanderson of Sanderson Motors." "There it is." "Isn't she a beauty?" "What's going on?" "Whose pickup truck is that?" " It's ours, or it's gonna be." " And a great little buy you're getting." " What are you talking about?" " We're gonna need a new truck." "What for?" "There wasn't that much damage done to the old one." " The tailgate was all smashed." " It was dented!" "It was caved in." "And I ain't gonna drive around with my tailgate caved in." "We can't afford this truck." "That's what they all say till we sit down and show you... how easy it is to be the proud owner of a new Fireside 360." "Air-conditioning, radio..." "You're wasting your time." "Time?" "Is that your problem?" "I'll give you the time you need." "No, you see, we can't afford this truck because last year our sales was down..." "Down?" "You wanna know how much you have to put down." "Would you believe..." "Mr. Sanderson, there's no way we can afford this truck." "No way." "Oh." "Well, your father felt rather certain you could." "And we can." "Maybe not this very minute, but we could have him hold it for us." "We're comin' into a whole lot of money real soon." " An inheritance?" " No." "Whiplash." "You were in an accident?" "Yeah, rammed from the rear by a guy driving a Cadillac." " He hit you?" " Yeah." " What were you doing?" " Waiting on a signal to change." " A new Cadillac?" " Brand-new." " In whose name will it be registered?" " We can't afford a new truck." "Hold it!" "Hold it!" "Hold it!" " Don't interfere in family arguments." " We didn't called the police." "Fred, we got good news." " They apprehended the suspect." " They did?" "What do we do now?" "Come to the station and identify him." "Let's go identify." "Wait for us, Mr. Sanderson." "Don't move." "Why should we move?" "Sanderson Motors has been at the same location for 22 years." "We're the number-one choice of new car buyers in all of Los Angeles." "We talk everybody's language." "Se habla espanol." "Buon giorno!" "Shalom!" "Right on!" " Make yourselves comfortable." " Sit here, Fred." "I'll be right back." "Smitty, now, you say it's a hit-and-run, so he's in big trouble, huh?" "They'll throw the book at him." "See that?" "I told ya, they're gonna throw the book at him." "And you know what kind of book?" "A checkbook, autographed to me." "That's right!" "There's a gold mine in the sky" " Watch." "You don't believe me, do you?" " No, I don't." "You don't believe nothin'." "Even as a kid, you didn't believe in Santa Claus." "You're the one that was responsible for that." "Me?" "Yes, you." "You told me there was no Santa Claus." "I ain't told you there was no Santa Claus." "I said, wouldn't no white man be comin' 'round in our neighborhood... wearing no red velvet suit at 12:00." "Hey, Fred." "That's the man." "That's him, Smitty." "No, that's him." "I'd recognize them beady blue eyes anywhere." "Don't stop me." "I've been waiting for a chance to tell you something." "You drive around in that big ol' expensive car." "You gotta obey the law just like everybody else." "You're a worse criminal than the worst criminal." "Lock him up, and get him out of here." "I'm trying to tell you, this isn't the man that ran into you." "I'm telling you, take him outta here and..." "Huh?" "Well, who are you?" "Lieutenant Driscoll of the Los Angeles Police Department." "Well, Lieutenant, you know, all you lieutenants look alike to us." "We'll be bringing the suspect in shortly." "Who's this gentleman?" "My son, Lamont." "This is Lieutenant Driscoll of the Los Angeles Police." "Who is this, the captain?" "The suspect." "Wha..." "Yeah, of course that's the suspect." "You don't think I'd know that?" "That's him, Lamont." " Make absolutely sure, Mr. Sanford." " Oh, I'm sure." "This is the end of the line for you, playboy." "You ain't gonna be coming around our neighborhood, messing around no more." "I hope they take your car and your house away from you." " Mr. Sanford?" " Will you hold on?" "You hurt people and do like you please." "It's a new ball game today." "Will you hush just a moment?" "I'm gonna have to teach you a lesson." "The only way I can do that is to sue you for everything you've got." "I ain't gonna take no more pity on you than you took on me when you hit me." "That's right." "You're gonna get yours." " What?" " I didn't say nothin'." "Better not say nothin'." "The accident I had, I might not ever be able to turn my neck again." "I can't even turn my neck." "I won't be able to watch a tennis match." "Mr. Sanford, listen." " This is not the man that owns the car." " He's the one that hit me." "That's true." "But he doesn't own the car." "He stole the car." "He stole it?" "That mean I can't sue him?" "Then who's gonna pay for the damage to my truck and my neck?" "I don't know." "But thank you for the cooperation." "Book him, men." "Pop, don't feel so down." "That's the way the breaks fall sometimes." "But look at it this way." "You helped the police to trap a criminal." "Yeah." "You know what, Pop?" "We're not that far from Chinatown." "What do you say we go there and get ourselves a nice dinner... and just forget about what happened?" " What do you say, Pop?" " Okay." "Do you think you'll be able to eat with that thing around your neck?" " I don't know." " I know this restaurant in Chinatown." "We can go there and for a buck and a quarter we can get a nice meal." "Pop, I'm home!" "Where are you?" " I was fixing some lunch." "What's up?" " Nothing." "I picked up the truck." "It looks pretty good." "You can't even tell where you were hit." " No kidding." " Yeah, and we were lucky." "That guy who owned that Cadillac offered to pay for the damages." " He didn't have to do that." " I know that." "You should let that be a lesson to you." " Never build up your hopes too high." " That what I did?" "That's exactly what you did." "Did you ever hear of overconfidence?" "Overconfidence." "Was that with James Cagney?" "No, I'm talking about how somebody like Bubba... can come in here with some dumb suggestion and you go overboard." "Overboard." "With Dennis Morgan and Ida "Lupini. " That was it." "I saw that." "Dennis Morgan was a jewel thief." "Wait." "Move over." "He was a jewel thief and trailed Ida "Lupini" 'cause she had a lot of jewels." "They were on this big ocean liner." "He followed her all around." "He found out when she left her room." "He went in to steal her jewels." "She came back and caught him." "Right there he fell in love with her." "There was this big love scene when he said to her..." ""I could never steal anything from you, you son of a gun. "" "And then he hit her on the chin, boom, like that." "That was beautiful." " Wanna know how it ended?" " No." "Sanford and Son is recorded on tape before a live studio audience."