"Thank you very much, I'll be right back with your drinks." " Okay, thanks." " Okay." "So what were you saying?" "Oh, nothing." "Geoffrey took Michael's hat, and Geoffrey's was at school, so Michael didn't have a hat." "But he didn't care 'cause he hates hats anyways." "Hmm." " So Geoffrey took Michael's hat?" " Yeah." "This bread is good." "You got that right." "Although, we probably shouldn't fill up on bread though." "Yeah, you're right." "The bread is good, though." "It is good." "The butter's good, too." "It's like honey butter or something." "Yeah." "Honey, hmm." "That reminds me of when Robert accidentally swallowed the bee." "You should have seen him." "He was like..." " Yeah." " It was funny." "Yeah." "Yeah, I love that story." "The butter spreads good, too." "Yeah, I hate it when it's too frozen, you know, 'cause it tears the bread." "Yeah, although you don't want it too soft, 'cause then you don't know how long it's been out." "Yeah." "No, this butter's perfect." "It's like the perfect..." "what's the word?" "Temperature." "No." "Density." "The perfect density, yeah." "Although, yeah, temperature would have worked." "This butter is the perfect temperature-slash-density." "Yes, it is." " We need more bread." " Yeah." "And now my favorite part of Valentine's Day." "What?" "The march of the red, silk boxers." " Are you kidding me?" " You're right." "Skip the dancing." "Wait a minute." "We don't talk to each other all night now you just wanna have sex?" "Not just." "Hey, come on." "We talked." "Oh, yeah, yeah." ""This butter is the perfect temperature-slash-density."" "Was I wrong?" "You know what?" "We have nothing to say to each other." "All we do is talk about the kids, or tell stories we've heard over and over and over." " What stories?" " Robert swallowing that damn bee." "I've heard that stupid story a million times, every time you see honey or a bee or a person with a puffy face." "Yeah, that's a million." "Or how about the time your dad put a possum in your tent during a camping trip and you literally jumped out of your skin?" " What?" "It was scary." " Yeah, that's not literally." "You literally jump out of your skin, you're dead." "Body out of skin, dead." "How about you?" "You're always telling me about the story where you wore purple shoes and your feet sweated, and they turned purple." ""It was like I was making wine."" "That's not funny." "I know." "See?" "We have nothing to talk about and you don't even care." "Well, we're talking now." "This is great." "All right, I'm sorry." "No, don't apologize." "I'm not mad at you." "I'm mad at us." "How about a little yelling at you then?" "I mean, you don't think we're in trouble if we can't come up with anything to talk about?" "Oh, come on." "We do okay." "Maybe if we did more stuff together, we could come up with something to say to each other." " Okay." " Really?" " Yeah." " Okay, all right." "So what could we do, you know, together?" "Well... you know what's lovely?" "Va-loo...!" "Oh, Ray, come on." "Come on, what?" "Hey, maybe you could talk during sex." "See, that's something..." "I've always encouraged that." "How about we go to the botanical gardens?" " Huh?" " Ha... oh." "Hmm." "Perhaps." "Could be fun." "Come on, I mean, they have trails and nature hikes." " Oh, forget it." "It's lame." " Yeah, come on, plants." "We got plants in the bathroom." "We never talk about them." "All right, so what else could we do?" "We could watch the end of the Nets/Lakers game." "I'm kidding." "I'm sorry." "You know, that's what's wrong." "I know." "I make little jokes." "I'm dumb." "No, no, no, we should be able to watch sports together." "Come on, you're a sportswriter." "It's a big part of your life." "I'm interested in your life." "Yes, yes, I will watch the basketball game with you." "I would like that." " Really?" " Yes." "Really?" "All right, yeah." " Okay, basketball it is." " All right." "Oh, this is good." "So what could you do to take more interest in me?" "Well, I was gonna sit next to you during the watching of the sports." "You know, actually, I would really like to know what you think about this book I just read." "You mean by me reading it?" "Yeah, yeah, I would like that." "Yeah... but if I'm reading it, we wouldn't be together, which is what we want." "Nuts!" "No, come on." "No, yeah, really." "I want you to read this, huh?" "Look, here it is." ""Devil Wood."" "Doesn't sound that bad." ""Devil Wood."" "So what do you think?" "And I couldn't take more of an interest in you just by reintroducing myself to your body?" "You read that book, I'll let you take the full tour." "Chapter one." "What's wrong with you?" "Wake up." "Dad's on his way." "Put the game on." "Come on." "Hey, wait a minute." "Let me ask you something." "If one was asked to read a book called "Devil Wood,"" "one would be correct in assuming that the book was scary or exciting or had something "devilly" in it, wouldn't one?" "One would." "Well, then one would be wrong." "What's going on, Raymond?" "Debra wants me to read this so we have stuff in common." "But I swear to God, this sucker's like a horse tranquilizer." "Here, listen to this." "Listen to this first line." ""Lmagine a rain so beautiful it must never have existed." What does that mean?" "What does that mean?" "Tell me, right now, what does that mean?" " I don't know." " Yeah." "Because it's nonsense talk." "You have to close this book." "Yeah, looks like little Raymie can't watch the game." "He's got homework." "That's the other stinking, horrible thing." "She wants to watch sports together too, like the Knicks today." "Why?" "We watched the game together on Valentine's Day and apparently that went well... the being together and talking." " What did you guys talk about?" " Who knows?" "That's why I asked you guys to come over." "I need you to kind of absorb some of her." "So we're like pawns in your sick game?" "If she asks, let's just say that you came by because you're still bummed out about not having a girlfriend." " I am still bummed out about that." " Perfect." "I'm back." "Okay, you're not happy." "Keep that look." " Hey, got junk food for the game." " Ah, sweet." "I dropped the kids off at your mom's so we..." "Robert's here?" "I know." "I know." "It's supposed to be our "do stuff together" time." "And I think he's still depressed about not having a girlfriend, you know, being a loser." "What are you gonna do, right?" "I can't just kick him out." "Oh, well, okay." "Yeah." " So you're reading the book?" " Yeah." "Yeah, you liking it so far?" "It's really very, very, very, very nice." "Good." " Hey, Robert, how you doing?" " Okay." " Just thought I'd stop by." " Oh, good, anytime." "The Knicks are coming back to life, now scoring six unanswered buckets." "Ward now with the ball at midcourt..." "So what's your column about this week?" "45 seconds left to go in the half." "Actually, I'm doing it about the Knicks, so it's good that we're watching it, yeah." "Interesting." "Would you like to bounce some ideas off of us?" "Talk about it?" "Hey, Dad, what's up?" "Pass me the chips." "That's what's up." "Are you here for the game, Frank?" "No, the sparkling conversation." "Okay, come on, move your ass!" "Hey, Dad...!" "Sorry... step lively." "That's good." "Come on, get it, jump, jump!" "What, she waiting for something to come out of the oven?" "No, Frank," "Ray and I are watching a basketball game together." "Oh, what did he do?" "What do you mean?" "What did he do wrong that you'd do this to him?" "Stop it, Dad." "You know, Frank, the game is on at your house, too." "Hey, don't get mad at me." "Ray invited me." "That's an outrageous lie." "He invite you, too?" "I, uh..." "Sorry, Raymond, I tried." "Easy now, easy." " I cannot believe you." " Okay, good." "Let me..." " I cannot believe you!" " I just..." "I just..." " You just what?" " Will you let me finish my sentence?" "If you let me finish, then I could finish it." "Well, now I'm at a loss for words." "This is all so sudden." "I can't believe you can't even watch sports with me, something you like?" "You gotta have these two over as buffers?" "I didn't think inviting them over would be such a big deal." "They're good company." "Even I don't buy that." " Have you read any of that book?" " I read a lot." " Yeah, what's it about?" " About "a rain that's so beautiful," "I can't even believe it existed."" "That's the first line." "You've read one line!" "And I was gonna read the next one when I came out of my coma." "So that's it?" "You're just not gonna put any effort into this, are you?" "Oh, come on, I just don't think we need to turn our lives upside down just so we can have more to talk about." "Trying to talk to me is "turning your life upside down"?" " I just..." "I..." "I..." " Stop talking." "Yeah, Ray, don't even bother talking to me." "You just enjoy your coma." "All right, maybe I will." "See, this is why I stay out of relationships." "Yeah, that's why." "Oh, hi, dear." "You here to pick up the kids?" "Oh, right, yeah, the kids, yeah, in a minute, yeah." "Frank said that you and Debra were having some sort of a loud discussion?" "Don't worry about it, Ma." "Everything's fine." "You hiding from her?" "Yeah." "Then this should be good." "What are you, hiding out?" "No, I'm picking up the kids." "Didn't I just ask for the kids?" " What the hell, Ma?" " Yeah, don't bother." "I'll get 'em." "I said I'll get 'em." "I'm capable of getting them." "I said I would pick them up." "How you doing, kids?" "I was saying hello to my parents, huh?" "A guy can't greet his loved ones?" "So you don't mind spending time with them?" "Oh, come on." "Will you give me a break?" "I tried, huh?" "Didn't I try?" "Oh, okay, I get it." "You're mad at me for not talking to you, so now you're not talking to me." "Isn't that interesting?" "Maybe you should think about that, huh?" "Put that pipe in your mouth, hmm?" "What?" "What are you looking at?" "May we help you?" " No, we're fine." " There's a weird cat." "He was outside." "Yeah, it's gone now." "It had a brown eye and, like, one no eye." "It was one of those." "It was weird." " Wow." " I know." "That's really..." " Really kind of sweet." " What, that?" "They're not talking." "Well, it's like they don't have to." "I don't think it's 'cause they don't have to." "I think it's 'cause they don't want to." "I don't know." "They seemed so in tune." "I see cows." "Here's one doggie, and here's another doggie." "Look at that." "That's great." "You know what?" "I need you to draw up four more doggies and a chicken." "That looks good to you?" "They just seem so comfortable with each other." "I don't know." "Maybe we're at that point where we can be comfortable just being with each other." "You wanna be like them?" "Not exactly." "But just imagine how much better our Valentine's dinner would have been if we weren't so worried about filling up every single second with talk about butter." "You were the one who was babbling about the bread." "It's only natural you're gonna get my butter theory." "All right, I know." "I know, but what if we had just been happy to be out of the house, just us enjoying the peace and the quiet?" " I do like quiet." " Yeah, me, too." "And peace." "I guess the question is for the next 30 years, when it's quiet, and we don't have anything to say to each other, do I mind having you sit next to me?" "No, I don't mind." "Okay, good." " You mind sitting next to me?" " No, you smell good." " Why did you say 30 years?" " Oh, I don't know." " Do you think I'm gonna die at 70?" " No." " 'Cause 30 years is a weird number." " Okay, shh!" "Let's not talk." " Okay." "It works for them." " Yeah." "Ugh..." "I can't look at him eat anymore." "The Cavaliers came up with a surprise upset, beating the Blazers 108 to 99." "The Lakers had no trouble with the Rockets, winning 124 to 88." "The Nuggets just got by the Knicks 114 to 112." "The Supersonics devastated the Jazz 136 to 78." "It was the Trailblazers over the Bucks 98 to 94." "The Celtics edged the Bulls 110 to 108, and the Pacers defeated the Mavericks 121 to 113." "In Vegas, Sammy "the Hook" Sterling weighed in at 212 pounds even." "He has a two-inch reach over John "the Barber" Cutter, who tipped the scales at an even 210." "It's a scheduled 15-rounder, and on the links, Palmer and Nicklaus shared the third round lead..." "And are 11-under for the event." "In soccer..."