"(SINGING) It seems today that all you see" "Is violence in movies and sex an TV" "But where are those good old-fashioned values" "On which we used to rely?" "Lucky there's a family guy" "Lucky there's a man who positively can do" "All the things that make us" "Laugh and cry" "He's a family guy" "Good morning!" "Is what normal families say." "Lois, I'll take my breakfast to go." "I'm going fishing with the fellas." "Peter, I thought we were going to have some family time this weekend." "You're going fishing again?" "Yes, Lois." "I love fishing." "Remember, fishing was my not-at-all memorable job for two years?" " No." " You don't remember my fishing boat." "You don't remember Santos and Pasqual?" "Not even a little." "They were like male Consuelas." "It was a mistake making them Portuguese, though." "People don't even know what a Portuguese is." "That's what I thought a Portuguese was." "Me and my brain, huh?" "And we're just getting started!" "Boy, it's not like Quagmire to be this late." "Yeah." "PETER:" "I've never tried to make conversation with just Joe before." "This is brutal." "JOE:" "Come on, Joe, you're losing him." "Think of something." "This was your shot." "Two thirds of the planet is water." "Yeah." "PETER:" "Two thirds of the planet is water?" "This guy's okay" "All right, well, um, we should probably go find out what's keeping Quagmire." "Yeah, I guess you're right." "And you know, Joe, I was thinking, maybe one night, we get dinner, just the two of us." "I would like that." "(KNOCKING ON DOOR)" "PETER:" "Hey, Quagmire?" "You in there?" "(GASPS)" " Holy crap!" " Oh. my God!" "He must have autoerotically asphyxiated himself!" "Yeah, while he was watching clown porn." "Oh, yeah, baby." "Oh, yeah." "Almost there." "Almost there." "0h, yeah, baby!" "You make me so horny!" "(HORN TOOTING)" "Come on, help me get him down!" "Peter, he's still alive!" "We got to get him to a hospital!" "All right, but let's just watch the end of this clown porn first." "(CALLIOPE MUSIC PLAYING)" "(WOMAN GIGGLES)" "Oh, Peter, we came as soon as we heard." "How is he?" "He's in a coma, Lois." "My God, what the hell happened?" "He hung himself during autoerotic asphyxiation." "Just goes to show anything can be dangerous." "Is his family here?" "His sister Brenda is coming with her boyfriend, Jeff." "Oh, my God, not that guy." "Is she still with him?" "Isn't he the one that beats her?" "Yeah, but she's gotten a lot better." "All right, on the way back, I get to pick the radio station, because that was awful." "I know, yeah, it was, I'm sorry." "Oh, God, I just..." "I hope Glenn's okay." "I'm so worried about him." "Shut up and limp!" "We're in a handicapped spot, you slut!" "Well, Miss Quagmire, your brother Glenn is lucky to be alive." "You know, we're all lucky to be alive on such a beautiful day." "In fact, nurse, all surgeries are outside today." "You know, when we were kids, our mother used to sing a song when we were sad." "Maybe that'll help now." "Come on, Brenda, a stupid nursery rhyme isn't going to wake him up, especially the way you sing." "(LAUGHING)" " Right, man?" " Gyaa." "(SINGING) Glenn, don 't die from autocratic asphyxiation" "Your friends want to go fishing with you" "This song is from childhood?" "Live to see tomorrow" "October 31, 2011" "(GROANS)" "Where am I?" "What happened?" "Oh, Glenn!" "Oh, thank God you're all right!" "HBV. you touching my girl?" "Relax, Jeff." "That's her brother." "Yeah, that's how it starts." "Come on, Brenda, we got to get out of here." "I need cigarettes and jeans." "Oh, thanks, you guys, for all your help through this." "Oh, Glenn, we're just so glad you're all right." "And Jeffand I are happy to stay here with you for as long as you need." "Fine, then you call my cousin Terry and tell him we're not going to be at his karate recital." "Well, Jeff, he is my brother." "Why do you always got to remind me I didn't finish high school?" "Well, listen, how about I make us all some dinner, huh?" " Come here!" " Ah!" "(GRUNTS)" "JEFF:" "You fat, ugly bitch!" "If today wasn't your birthday..." "BRENDA:" "Jeff!" "Please, you're being..." "JEFF:" "What?" "What am I being?" "Crazy?" "Unemployed?" "Why don't you call the cops like you did on Christmas?" "BRENDA: (STUTTERS) I didn't call them." "They were called." "JEFF:" "Oh, now you're calling me a liar in front of this cat?" "I got another cat." "Oh, that yellow lab looks like it's dying." "Peter, that's Gwyneth Paltrow." "She's fine." "Look, turn off the light." "I just want to get to sleep and put this ugly night behind us." "All that unpleasantness with Brenda and Jeff was more than I can handle." "It's no big deal, Lois." "We probably just caught them on an off night." "JEFF: (SHOUTING) Where do you get off calling me a deadbeat in front of your brother?" "BRENDA: (MEEKLY) No, Jeff, all I said was that you were in between jobs." "JEFF:" "Well, it wouldn't matter if you'd just pick up that night shift at the prison!" "BRENDA:" "But then I'll be working 100 hours a week." "JEFF:" "So what?" "I need money for motor oil and wallet chains!" "BRENDA:" "Okay, I'll ask about it Monday." "Can I put my nightgown back on?" "JEFF:" "No, I'm not done drawing!" "(DOORBELL RINGS)" " Hey, Peter." " Geez, Quagmire, you look terrible." "Oh, I didn't get any sleep." "Hi, Glenn." "How are you?" "Not great, Lois." "L'm stuck in the middle of some bad stuff with my sister." "I know, it sounded like there was quite a ruckus going on over there last night." "That Jeff seems like kind ofa monster." "Yeah, that guy's scary as an Iraq lobster." "(SINGING) Death to America" "And butter sauce" "Don't boil me" "I'm still alive" "Iraq lobster" "Iraq lobster" "I've tried talking to Brenda about leaving him, but I haven't gotten anywhere." "I was actually hoping you could talk to her, Lois." "She might open up more to you 'cause you're a woman." " Me?" " Yeah." "Would you mind at least trying?" "Well, I guess she does need someone to talk to." "Let's hope she's good at talking 'cause we know she doesn't listen so good." "That, we know." "You know, Brenda, I'm glad we could get together." "Me, too, Lois." "It's nice to have a girlfriend to chat with." "Don't you have any back home?" "Oh, no." "Jeff would never allow that." "That's kind of what I want to talk to you about, Brenda." "Do you mind taking off your sunglasses?" "(SIGHS)" "Oh, my God." "(STUTTERING) No, it's really not that bad." "It only hurts when I see." "You don't have to stay with a man who treats you that way." "Oh, Jeff's sweet." "You don't see how soft and gentle he hits me when we're alone." "Do you hear yourself?" "He shouldn't be hitting you at all." "I don't think you understand how serious a matter..." " Close your menu." " What?" "Close your menu, so they know we're ready to order." "I'll give you another moment." "God damn it." "I'm sorry." "Oh, shoot." "See, this is why Jeff corrects me all the time." "Corrects you?" "Brenda, he's not correcting you, he's beating you." "Well, I can see why you'd think that 'cause of the punches and all, but, it's just that Jeff's been so angry about immigrants." " What?" " lt'll be better when he gets back to work." "Our relationship is just complicated, that's all." "No, Brenda, it's not complicated." "Trying to get a straight answer out of a 23-year-old girl is complicated." "So, do you want to go out some time?" "Out like go out or hang out, orjust do something?" " Like a date." " Like a date date?" "Or like a date?" "Both I guess." "Yeah, sure, maybe." "I don't know." "Yes, no." "Here's the first three digits of my phone number." "E-mail me." "Joe, the guy's a menace." "They've been with me three days now, and all he does is beat her day and night." "And on top of that, they say they don't need to be entertained, but then they're always like, "Hey, so what're we doing?" "What's next?"" "Hey, Joe, can't you just arrest the guy?" "I can't arrest Jeff unless Brenda files a formal complaint with the police." "She won't go to the police." "She's afraid of what Jeff will do." "And to be honest, I don't blame her." "I mean, what happens if one of these nights, he hits her so hard, he kills her?" "Sorry, Quagmire." "Police policy, we can't step in until it's too late." "But ifl were you, I'd set up an intervention." " What's that?" " lt's like a surprise birthday party, but instead of cake and presents, there's angry letters and someone who inappropriately tries to make it about themselves." "Oh, that sounds great!" "I bet I would really shine at one of those." "All right, first we want to thank you all for being here for Brenda." "Now, I know it's going to be a long day, but we're all here because we care about her very much." "What the..." "What's going on?" "What's all this?" "Brenda, this is an intervention." "A lot of us don't like how Jeff's been treating you." "So we're going to say a few things, and then you'll say a few things," "And then we'll be done." "Sound good?" " Um, I guess." " All right." "So we're going to go around the room and tell you exactly how your situation has affected each of us." "Meg?" "I feel like if he likes you, maybe you can change him." "Okay, maybe she wasn't the one to start with." "Caleb?" "Caleb, you want to go ahead?" "(CHRIS STUTTERS)" " Me?" " Yeah, go ahead." "Uh, it's Chris." "You don't know my name?" "All right, this isn't off to a flying start." "Peter, why don't you go ahead?" "So, you like getting beaten, huh?" "Well, why don't you smoke a whole carton of cigarettes!" "Look, I know what you guys are trying to do, but Jeffand I are fine." "No, Brenda, you're not fine, okay?" "Please, I'd like to say something, ifl may." "(CLEARS THROAT)" ""Brenda, the fact that you are being abused," ""has affected my life in the following ways." ""The sister that I knew and loved growing up" ""no longer exists." ""The person I see before me now is just a punching bag." ""And I call you 'person' and not 'woman'" ""Because a woman is a strong, beautiful, vibrant creature." ""A woman embraces life." ""A woman makes choices to make her life better." ""Sadly, the fact that you are with Jeff" ""proves to me that you have made a choice" ""to make your life worse."" "I want the girl I grew up with back." "(STAMMERING) I want..." "I want my sister back." "Brenda, I love you." "Please make the right decision." "Which is a perfect time for me to tell my jokes." " Peter." " And I will save them for the end." "Glenn, I am so lucky to have such a wonderful, loving brother like you." "So, are you gonna leave him?" "Oh, there you are!" "Hey, give me some money." "I saw a cool bandana." "What the hell's going on here?" "Listen here, you bully!" "For your information, Brenda just agreed to leave you." "Like hell she did." " Brenda, you tell them?" " No, not yet." "Everyone, I have wonderful news." "Jeff and I are getting married." "(ALL GASPING) I'd show you the ring, but it's under the splint." "My finger fell down the stairs." "You're getting married?" "Yeah, but only 'cause she's pregnant." "Pregnant?" "Oh, congratulations!" "Have you thought of any names yet?" "Maybe, maybe, "Slappy"?" "Or, or "Bruisey"?" "Or "Keep It Down In Theresy"?" "Guys, what the hell am I gonna do?" "She can't marry that bastard." "He's just gonna keep beatin' her, and then he's gonna beat the kid, too." "God, I wish she'd never met Jeffrey Fecalman." "You know, I was thinking..." "Wait, what?" " What?" " That's his name?" " Yeah." " Huh-larious." "But you know, I was thinking this afternoon," "What the hell happened to the days when a guy does something like that to a girl, and a bunch of us guys get together and just go kick his fucking ass?" "Boy, that'd be satisfying." "Well..." " Why not?" " What do you mean?" "The three of us." "We go over there and we do what's right, we kill the bastard." "Whoa!" "Whoa!" "Quagmire." "You know, I could arrest you just for saying that." "You know what else you can get arrested for?" "Soliciting a rooster." "I don't know what this cock-a-doodle-doo thing is, but it sounds gay and it sounds scatological." " I'm in." " You're about to have a neat day." "Quagmire, you're talking about murdering a guy." "It doesn't matter what he's done, it's still murder." "No, Joe, it does matter what he's done!" "These kinds of guys don't change." "You think they ever suddenly wake up and realize the error of their ways, and clean up their act?" "No!" "They just keep ruining everyone's lives, and the world is better off without 'em." "It's against the law, Quagmire, and that's the end of it." " (JEFF SLAP BRENDA) - (BRENDA SCREAMING)" "What the hell?" "Did you change the channel while I was going to get a beer?" "Oh, yeah, I'm sorry, honey, I just wanted to see who was on Letterman." "We're watching Leno, you bitch!" "I'm so sorry!" "His soft, gentle humor connects effortlessly with my mainstream sensibilities!" "(BRENDA SCREAMING)" "Let's waste this dick." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "Boy, everything's different now than it used to be, isn't it?" "You know, this morning I had a bowl of Fruity Pebbles cereal." "Yeah, yeah." "When I was a kid, they were boulders!" "(LAUGHING)" "(LAUGHING)" "Cereals do change." "Now, here's something, here's something." "Did you hear about this?" "Here 's a bunch of wards in a raw." "Because the economy's so bad," "They've decided they're gonna shut down all the prisons." "Yeah, yeah." "And they're gonna send all the inmates to Congress." "I don't get that one!" "Hi, there, Jeff." "Hey, what's going on, dudes?" "Brenda just fell." "Get your lazy ass up and get my neighbors some beers!" "Actually, we don't have time, Jeff." "We were just about to go on our annual midnight hunting trip." "We thought you might want to join us." "Yeah, what the hell?" "Go shoot some animals, that sounds like fun." "Hey, it beats sitting at home watching Meg pop her zits." "Okay, okay, who would you rather do?" "Dame Judi Dench with 30 minutes of kissing first, or Eddie Izzard in drag, but he has a working vagina?" "Would Eddie Izzard tell others about it?" "Eddie Izzard is very discreet." "Then that's your answer." "You know, Quagmire, I gotta say," "I was pretty surprised you wanted me to come along." "I thought you hated my guts." "Oh, come on, Jeff, I don't hate your fucking guts." "Well, then what the hell are we doing out here?" "I thought we were gonna kill him." "Ahhh!" "So, Jeff, do you like loud sentences?" "I guess." "I gotta take a whiz." "All right, look." "When he comes back, I'm just gonna do it, okay?" "I'm just gonna point my gun straight at his head" " before he even knows what's going on." " (GUN COCKING)" "JEFF:" "Kind of like this?" "You know, Quagmire, you are pathetic." "You have to bring your friends out here with you to do your dirty work?" "What... (STAMMERING) What do you mean, Jeff?" "You're gonna kill me, is that it?" "JEFF:" "Uh-uh!" "Not unless you want your friend's brains all over the place!" "Listen, Jeff, just put the gun down, and we'll forget this whole thing, okay?" "Oh, well, that's never happened before." "Kind of don't know what to do next." "So now you'll forget the whole thing?" "Yeah, I guess that is what I said." "No, no, we can't forget the whole thing!" "Yeah, you know, he's right." "We can't forget it." "Fine." "Now here's the plan." "I'm taking Quagmire for a little ride, and you guys are gonna stay out here and freeze to death." "Now, get those hands where I can see 'em!" "All the way up!" " Oh!" "My shirt's a little too short." " That's okay." "You can keep 'em the way you had 'em so it covers your stomach." "Thank you." "You know, if this Jeff was around more, we wouldn't have tried to kill you." "See you later, schmucks!" "(BOTH GRUNT)" "Uh." "All right, this is far enough." "Well, Quagmire, sorry it had to end this way." "A tragic hunting accident." "I guess that little baby's gonna grow up without an uncle." "Actually, I have a brother." "Gary Quagmire." "Oh." "I think you've got a brother, too, don't you?" "All right, forget the uncle thing." "Get ready to die, Quagmire." "You know, if you had any balls, you'd put that gun down, and we could settle this like men." "(LAUGHING)" "That's awful big talk for a scrawny bastard like you." "Hey, I'm serious, man." "Unless you're scared I can take you." "Suit yourself, man." "Just means you're gonna die slower." "(BOTH GRUNTING)" "(PANTING)" "(CRACKS NECK)" "(GROANS)" "(JEFF GRUNTING)" "(QUAGMIRE GRUNTING SOFTLY)" "(CAR ENGINE STARTING)" "(ENGINE REVVING)" "What the hell?" "I killed you!" "I choke myself every day, you bastard." "(SCREECHING)" "(GRUNTING)" "(SOBBING)" "Oh, Glenn, there you are." "Jeff didn't come home last night and he hasn't called." "Well, actually, about that, Brenda, he must've left early this morning." "Yeah, we found this note he left you." ""Dear Brenda, I have decided to leave you." ""I realized that you are too good for me," ""and you and our unborn child would be better off without me in the picture." ""Love, Jeff." ""P.S. If the cops ask," ""tell them that Joe, Peter and Quagmire were with you last night." ""If you tell anyone otherwise," ""I will come back and not only hit you, but I will murder you." ""And no one will care because you're garbage." ""And your baby is going to be a child of garbage."" " (WHISPERS) lt's a little rough, Peter." " I didn't write it." "Joe did." "I wanted it to sound real." "It's gotta sound like he wrote it." "Plus, she kind of is garbage, Quagmire." ""Well, I best be rolling on now."" "(WHISPERS) Oh, come on!" "Who says that?" "It's an expression." "Yeah, if you're in a wheelchair." "Listen, you had your chance." "I e-mailed it to both of you." "You wrote back, "Looks fine" and you just added that part about Grape Ape." ""P.P.S. I really love Grape Ape." ""The end."" "(SIGHS)" "Wow." "I guess he's really gone." "(SOBBING)" "I kind of want to kill somebody else now." "Oh, Mort!"