"[BAGPIPES PLAYING]" "[MEN WHISTLING ALONG WITH BAGPIPES]" "[♪ CALL TO CHARGE]" "[BUGLE NOTE GOES WILD]" "[OFF-KEY BUGLING CONTINUES]" "[PLAYS WEAKLY]" "[SCREECH]" "[HARSH NOTES]" "[GRATING NOTES]" "[GUNSHOT]" " [EAR-SPLITTING NOTES] - [GUNFIRE]" "[GUNFIRE]" " All right, cut it!" " All right, hold it!" "[WHINY NOTES]" "What is that idiot doin'?" "[GRATING NOTES]" " What's that idiot doing?" " I just asked that." " What's the answer?" " I don't know." "You're the director." "You brought him over from India." "You'd better start telling him what to do or we'll be out of business." "Now go ahead." "Come on." " Charlie..." " Yes?" "Ready?" "Action!" "Cut, dammit!" "Cut!" " Mr Bakshi." " Yes, sir?" "Has it occurred to you that the period of our picture is 1878?" "Oh, yes indeed, sir." "I am well aware that that is the period of the film. 1878." "Mr Bakshi, are you also aware that in 1878 they weren't wearing underwater watches?" "Yes, sir." "I know that." "They had not even been invented." " Got the time?" " Yes, it's..." " Oh, my God." " All right." "Lunch, everybody." "[MAN THROUGH LOUDSPEAKER] That's 42 for the crew." "One hour for the cast." "OK, guys." "The cue for the demolition is when I lower my hand like this." " We got one shot at this." "Let's get it right." " All right." "Places, everybody!" "Marty!" "Clutterbuck says if we don't wrap this location today, it's your neck." " All we have left is to blow up the fort." " OK, OK." "Great." "Great." "OK, Ken, let's go." " All right, Carol?" "Earl?" " All right." "Stand by." "You." "Yes, you." "You get off of my set and get out of my picture." "Off." "Out!" "You're through!" "You're washed up!" "You're finished!" "I'll see to it you never make another movie again!" " Does that include television, sir?" " I'll kill him." "I'll kill him!" "I'll kill him!" "[INTERCOM BUZZES]" " Yeah?" " Mr Divot calling from location, on six." "All right." "Yeah, Charlie?" "What?" "The whole damn thing?" "!" "How the hell could a thing like that happen?" "What's his name?" "Spell it." "Hrundi..." "V..." "B-a-k-s-h-i." "I'll see to it he never works again in this town." " Your wife wants the party guest list." " On the desk." "You know where to reach me." "I need an address for Hrundi V Bakshi." "B-a-k-s-h-i." "[♪ SITAR MUSIC]" "[PARROT SQUAWKS] Hello." "[♪ PIANIST PLAYS "NOTHING TO LOSE"]" "[PARROT SQUAWKS]" "Vodka and Scotch, sir?" "No." "I..." "I never touch it." "Thank you." "No, thank you." " Hors d'oeuvre, sir?" " Well, I'm on a diet, but to hell with it." "[♪ BAND PLAYS JAZZ]" "[SPEAKS ITALIAN]" "...the mother says to the father "We got the wrong baby."" "And the father says "Shh!" "It's a better buggy."" "I never heard that." "It's marvellous!" "[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]" "[FORCES LAUGH] Oh, ho, ho!" "Oh, yes!" "I missed the middle part, but I can tell from the way that you are enjoying it, it must have been a very humorous anecdote." "Because the way you are laughing just shows how much you enjoyed it." "I love a good laugh." "Don't you?" "Makes the world go round." "It's good to have a laugh." "Wonderful, wonderful." "Very good." "I must remember that one." "[PARROT SQUAWKS] ...bound and gagged for six hours." "They took everything." "Even the gold watch my daddy left me." "[FORCES LAUGH]" "They took the gold watch that your father left you?" "[LAUGHS] I'm sorry." "It's absolutely fantastic." "What a wonderful thing to do." "Take everything including your father's watch." "I tell you, tonight is one big round of laughter." "All fun and laughter." "The congressman was just telling us about the time he was robbed." "[CHORTLES]" " Who's the foreigner?" " I don't know." " Someone my mixed-up wife invited." " [HRUNDI CHORTLES]" "Hello, dog." "What do you want, eh?" "You like my feet, do you?" "Have your fill and away you go." "Feet are considered a delicacy among certain animals, you know." "Go on." "You've had enough now." "Off." "Ciao, chow-chow." "In fact, there are man-eating animals who will eat only the feet, not one other thing." "Get away." "Ciao, now." "Ciao, dog." "Get away." "Get away from me, dog." " Vodka or Scotch, sir?" " No, I..." "No, thank you." " Good evening, Mr Divot." "How are you?" " Uh, how are you?" "Smile at 'em." "Good evening, General." "I'd like you to meet Miss Michele Monet." "Mr Clutterbuck." "Mrs Clutterbuck." "How are ya, Alice?" "[FORCES LAUGH]" "I'll introduce my guests, if I may." "Mrs Dunphy..." "I've heard some wonderful things about you." "Well, sir, you seem to have a wonderful party going." " How do you like it so far?" " Fine." "Have a drink." "Go ahead." " Hello." " Oh, hello." " Hello." "Good evening." " Good evening." "What a beautiful evening it is, to be sure." "What's in there?" "What, in here?" "Well, there is nothing in there." "Yes, there is." "Oh, I don't know." "I don't think so." " No." " Can't you see it?" "No, no, no." "There is definitely nothing in there." "If there was something, it's gone away now anyway." "Well, I can see it." "What is it?" "I don't know, but I don't like it." "Hare ram ram." "Hey." " Oh." "Pardon me, sir." " That's quite all right, feller." " I'm so sorry, sir." "I beg your pardon." " Honey, we'll play it over here." "Right here." "This is an easy shot." "First get in the saddle, just like I taught you." "That's it." " No, I feel silly." " Oh, no, hon." "You can do it this way." "I was doin' it the other day." "Just relax and you can..." "Just relax." "Just..." "Pay no attention to me, sir." "I'm merely spectating." "Fine." "Fine." "I can see that you are an experienced player." "One of the best, feller." "One of the best." "Sir, what is the name of a game that has a multitude of colored balls like that?" " Pool." " Poo?" " No, not poo." "Pool." " Pool!" "Oh, like swimming pool." " I never heard of a game called pool." " Fine game." "And what is the object of it?" "To disperse these balls strategically around the table?" "Get the balls in the holes, except the white one." "That is the art?" "The art is not to have the white one in?" " Right." " Good." "And how many people can play?" " Oh, whole bunches, or twos and threes." " Groups of people can play?" " By yourself." " Thank goodness." "How wonderful." "[SPEAKS ITALIAN]" "Keep your eye on the white ball, and you can..." "Oh..." "Oh, excuse me, sir." "Excuse me, sir, but... you are, are you not, "Wyoming Bill" Kelso, the famous film star?" " That's me, in the flesh." " Oh, God." "What a moment in my life!" "I've seen every one of your films." " Oh, that's wonderful!" "Wonderful!" " [CRIES OUT]" " What a wonderful strong grip you've got!" " Yes, I do." "I would have been disappointed if you hadn't crushed my hand." "Would you do me the honor to sign me an autograph?" "Oh, sure." "Here, hold this." "I'll be glad to." " I'm also in the acting profession." " You are?" "Yes, indeed." "I'm not in your quality, but I am also an actor." " What's your name?" " Hrundi." "H-r-u-n-d-i." "Wait till I tell them at home that I've met him." " Where are you from?" " I am from India." " Got you covered, Injun." " Oh!" " Bang!" "Howdy, partner!" " Pretty quick on the draw there." "Never I believed in my whole life I would meet him and he would go "Bang, partner."" "Listen to me:" "White man speak with forked tongue." "You old horned toad, buddy." " Cute little feller, ain't he?" " I know all your sayings." "All of them." "The one where you walk along and go..." " Hrundi, say hello to the signorina here." " Hello, partener." " Piacere." " Bakshi." " There you go." " Ah, thank you." " This is a wonderful thing for me." " My pleasure." "Thank you, and I would love to say that it has been the greatest moment in my life." "Bang!" "I got you!" " I was quick on the draw." " You beat me that time, pal." "That's right." " Lots of luck to you." " Yes, and the same to you, sir." "[♪ JAZZY DANCE MUSIC]" "Howdy, partener!" "[MOUTHING]" " [MUSIC ENDS]" " Oh, that was a short dance." " That's right." " They don't go on for long, do they?" "We just started and..." "Well, anyway, thank you very much." "Perhaps we can dance again later." " Oh, OK." " If your carnet de bal is not full up." "[CHORTLES]" "[OVERLAPPING CONVERSATIONS]" "Hello, Polly." "Hello, Polly." "Pretty Polly." "Pretty Polly." "[PARROT] Hello." "Would you like some food, Polly?" "Pretty Polly." " Birdie num num." " Hello." "Birdie num num." "Birdie num num." "Have birdie num num." "Go on." " I'll give you a last one." " [GRAIN CRASHES DOWN]" "[PARROT SQUAWKS]" "She's... having... the birdie num nums." "Look." "She's waiting for more num num." "All gone." "Num num is gone." "[TRAMPLES GRAIN UNDERFOOT]" "Pretty bird." "Pretty Polly." "[♪ SENTIMENTAL PIANO MUSIC]" "[COUGHS]" "[COUGHS]" " [AMPLIFIED COUGH] - [ROOM FALLS SILENT]" "[AMPLIFIED SNORTING AND HAWKING]" "Num num." "[AMPLIFIED] Num num." "Birdie num num." "[CLUCKS LIKE A CHICKEN]" " What in the world is that?" " I can't imagine." "[COOING AND CLUCKING]" "[AMPLIFIED COOING AND CLUCKING]" "Howdy, partener." "Howdy, partener." "Howdy, par... te... ner... partener!" "Howdy, partener." "Look at that!" "Oh!" "[MAN] What was that?" "Would you mind getting..." "[PARROT SQUAWKS]" "[GLASSES SMASHING]" "[PHONE RINGS]" "This is 469-6151." "Please remain connected to the telephone." "There is a call for you, sir." "Please, hold on to the connection." "Please, one second." "I wonder if you could..." " Can you... hold here?" " Yes." "Would you just let my hand go?" "You've got my hand." "Thank you." "Now I'll take this from you." "Hold on one moment." "[GLASS SMASHES]" "Excuse the mess up here." "It is birdie num nums." "I've got them under my feet." "[GLASS SMASHES]" "Just one second." "If you can take this around you..." "Just lift the ashtray, please." "Yes." "Thank you." "Yes, yes." "Oh, Benny." "Yeah, well, I'm having a few people in." "The picture, yeah." "It was going fine until some idiot blew up the set." " Scotch?" " No, no." "This picture's a very good one, you know." "It's gonna be great." "This picture's a very good one, you know." "It's gonna be great." " Caviar?" " No, thank you." " Sir?" " I don't think so, thanks." "[SPEAKS ITALIAN]" "Eat!" "[SPEAKS ITALIAN]" "Oh, sure, honey." "We're gonna eat." "But they gotta ring the little bell first." "Bell?" "[SPEAKS ITALIAN]" " Bell." "Ding-ding." " Ding-ding?" "But first let's have a little tiddly at the bar." " Hello." " Oh, howdy, little buddy!" "[CRIES OUT]" "That's my old cowboy crusher." "Injun grip." "Oh, you really crushed my old Indian hand!" "It sort of smarts, don't it?" "Friendliest little critter I ever met." "It's an honor to have had my hand crushed by "Wyoming Bill" Kelso." "Wait till I tell them back home." "Ooh." "Pooh!" " Oh." " OK." " Pardon me." " It's OK." " Hello." " Hello." "Oh, um... it was occupied." " Oh." " Yes." "Hrundi V Bakshi." " Pardon?" " That is what my name is called." " Oh." "Michele Monet." " How do you do?" "How do you do?" "Are you... having a good time?" " Mm-hm." " Good, good." " Are you having a good time?" " Oh, yes." "I am having a good time." " Good." " It's... good to be having a good time." " Yes." " Yes." " Are you an actress?" " Yes." " Oh, yes." "I can tell." " Oh?" " Because I am an actor." " Oh, I see." "Actors can tell when actresses are actresses, and actresses can tell..." " It is a thing that we have together." " Ah." " You are also French." " How do you know?" "Your name, and the way you speak English." " Oh, that's right." "Do you speak French?" " Just enough to get myself into trouble." "I'll tell you what I can say." "Où est la direction de la tour Eiffel, s'il vous plaît?" "That's pretty good." "You do speak French." " Do you speak Hindustani?" " No." "Well, you are not missing anything." "Oh, dear." "I am here at the moment taking part in Mr General Clutterbuck's latest motion-picture extravaganza." " Oh." "That's wonderful." " It is a main feature role and I am very glad to have the opportunity to do it." " Congratulations." " Thank you." "Are you... doing something in a movie?" " Are you working in a movie?" " No." "No." "But next week I'm doing a test for Mr Divot." "Oh, Mr Divot!" "[CHORTLES]" " What?" " Oh, listen." "I..." " Oh!" " Let's get to the bar." " Mr Divot, how do you do?" " Yeah." "Yeah, right, fella." "All right?" " Goodbye." " Bye. [CHORTLES]" " Who is that guy?" " A very nice man," " with an unpronounceable name." " I know him from someplace." "How are you, General?" "Remember Miss Michele Monet here?" "Have you heard her sing?" "We're giving her a test." "She sings like a nightingale." " I'll look forward to that." " Excuse us, sir." "We're going to the bar." " Dinner is served." " Good." "Dinner is served." "[SPEAKS ITALIAN]" "Dinner is served, darling." "[PARROT SQUAWKS]" " Alice, where is Miss Monet sitting?" " Right around here, dear." "Bernie, give Miss Monet a hand, please." "Excuse me for a minute, sweetheart." "Dear..." "I believe you're down here, dear." "Right down here." " Bakshi, right?" " Oh, yes." "Mr Bakshi." " Oh, there's no chair." " Everybody needs to move over." "Oh." "Darling, would you mind moving up just one?" "I'm terribly sorry." "I'm sorry, darling." "You're going to have to move back." "It was a mistake." "I'm awfully sorry." "Levinson, will you get the gentleman a chair, please?" "No, it was a mistake." "But he's going to bring you a chair and you'll be all right." "What happened to your little face?" "Nothing, except that it is somewhat nearer to the table now." "My chair is lower than your chair." " Do you like your strawberry soup?" " Oh, strawberry soup." "I haven't had it lately." " Lovely in summer, don't you think?" " Yes." "Oh, yes, it's..." "Oh!" "It's lovely right now." "Good." "I'm so glad." "Hey, gimme some of that, will ya, pal?" "How's the chow?" "Looks pretty good." "No wine, thank you." "No wine, please." "No, no." "Please, no wine." "I know you would like me to have it, but I don't want it." "All right." "I don't drink." "I don't smoke." "No wine." "Are you all right?" "Oh, I'm so sorry." "[HRUNDI] I dropped my roll." "If I can sit here, I won't be in anybody's way." " You're sure you're comfortable?" " Here the door won't bang me." "All right." "Excuse me." "They should be finished with the soup." "Get the plates." "[GAGS]" " Mrs Clutterbuck, shall I serve the salad?" " Yes." "What are you doing?" "What are you doing?" "[CRASH]" "Get into the kitchen." "That is just outside Bombay." " And Bombay is in India." " Oh, that is very much in India." "And that is indeed the gateway to India..." "[CRASH FROM KITCHEN]" "I think that one of these bearers does not like the other one." "You have a very hard time finding good help these days." "Yes, you certainly do." "[GAGGING]" "Did you hear about the trapeze artist who got divorced?" "Caught his wife in the act." "That's terribly funny." "Yeah, it's been terribly funny for about 20 years." "[WHISPERS]" "Oh!" "[SCREAM]" "[PARROT SQUAWKS]" "[PARROT SQUEALS]" " Gore, are you sure it's all right?" " It's not "all right"." "It's divine." "[WOMEN LAUGHING]" "You've got to start with education." "That's where you need to spend..." "Mrs Clutterbuck, please can I take this opportunity to apologize to you formally for what happened at the table?" "Oh, my dear, just forget it." "It wasn't your fault." " What embarrassment for you." " Why, no." "It was that ridiculous little chair they put you on." "It was awful, but at the same time I feel it is my duty to say this to you now." " I just think we should forget all about it." " Indeed, you are right." "But before then I will also go to your husband and say to him that I am sorry." " That's not necessary, really." " It is on my conscience." " Well, if you want to, go ahead." " Thank you." " General, excellent aroma." " I'm glad you like it." "Still have a few left over from the pre-Castro days." "General Clutterbuck, sir." "Please, I would like to formally apologize to you for any inconvenience that I may have caused you or your guests at the table tonight." " It's understandable." " It will never happen again, should you wish to have me on your list of guests on some other occasion." "When I saw what havoc that I wrought, my poor old knees turned to water." " God, what a state I was." " I can imagine." "But now that I have apologized to you..." "Also, I have spoken to your good lady, and I told her, sir, that it is a terrible thing to have happened and I am sorry deep down inside of me." " Enjoy yourself." " Thank you, sir." " Thank you for listening to me." " It's all right." "General, about this Wac." "I asked her to go out with me one night..." "[SLURRED] Brandy or..." "crème de cacao, sir?" "Yes." "Clutterbuck's a big man." "He could make a star out of me." "Put the drink down and listen to me." "[WHISPERS]" "[FEET SLOSHING]" " Oh." "I beg your pardon." " That's all right." " It is occupied." " Oh." "Do you speak Hindustani?" "No." "Oh, excuse me, please." "[SPEAKS CHINESE]" "[CHINESE]" "Hey, close the door, man!" " Look, I told the General you'd sing." " Well, I'd rather not do it tonight." "Why not?" " The orchestra is gone." " There's a guitar." "You play the guitar?" " Yes." " Then you play the guitar and you sing." "Hey, waiter, come over here." "You're gonna be a smash." "Don't worry about a thing." "Don't worry about a thing." "See that guitar?" "Go get it." "Get the guitar." "♪ Nothing to lose" "♪ If we are wise" "♪ We're not expecting rainbow-colored skies" "♪ Not right away" "[SQUELCHING FOOTSTEPS]" "♪ Nothing to lose" "♪ It might be fun" "♪ No talk of spending lifetimes in the sun" "♪ Although we may" "♪ Both you and I have seen" "♪ What time can do" "♪ We'll only hurt ourselves" "♪ If we build dreams that don't come true" "♪ What can we lose?" "♪ We know the score" "♪ Let's wait before we talk" "♪ Of evermore" "♪ One day we may" "♪ Nothing to lose" "♪ But much to gain if love" "♪ Decides to stay" "♪ Both you and I have seen" "♪ What time can do" "♪ We'll only hurt ourselves" "♪ If we build dreams that don't come true" "♪ What can we lose?" "♪ We know the score" "♪ Let's wait before we talk" "♪ Of evermore" "♪ One day we may" "♪ Nothing to lose" "♪ But much to gain if love" "♪ Decides to stay" "♪ Nothing to lose" "♪ [HUMS]" "[TRIES DOOR KNOB]" " Well, how do you like her, General?" " Great." " How about you, Bernie?" "She's great!" " I think she's really great." "[GROWL]" "[GROWL]" "[DOG BARKS]" "[DARTS WHISTLE]" " All right, you win, partener." "You win." " [DARTS WHISTLE]" "[DIVOT] I'm tellin' you, he thought you were terrific." "He was very impressed." "So tomorrow's test will be just a formality." "We wanna see what you look like on film." "Trust me." "Here, we can talk." "It's a little quieter in here." " Oh, Charlie, this is the bedroom." " Ah, it is the bedroom!" " Come on, baby." " Why don't we go back downstairs?" " Too much noise." "Let's sit on the bed." " [MICHELE PROTESTS]" "Let's sit down." "That's it." "That's a good girl." "[DIVOT LAUGHS LECHEROUSLY]" " Charlie!" "Please, don't do that." " Just one little kiss." " Charlie!" " [DART WHISTLES]" " Gimme my gun!" " Thank you, partner." " Where are you goin'?" " Attention!" "Just forget it." "Just forget it." "Charlie..." "Knock it off and hit the sack!" "Cookie!" "[DOG BARKS]" "[FLUSHING CONTINUES]" "[FLUSHING CONTINUES]" "[FLUSHING CONTINUES]" "[FLUSHING CONTINUES]" "[FLUSHING STOPS]" "[DOG BARKS]" "[DOG SCRABBLES]" "[DOG BARKS]" "[TOILET FLUSHES]" "[DOG BARKING]" "[KNOCKING ON DOOR]" " [POUNDING ON DOOR] - [NANNY] Who's in the head?" "[KICK]" "Help!" "Please!" "Come and help." "There's someone in the pool." " What can I do for you?" " Hurry up." " Oh, hey, little buddy!" " American aid, partener!" "Great night for a dip!" "That feller has a heap of jollies..." " He's drowning!" " He's drowning'?" "Hrundi, are you drowning'?" "Great leaping' pollywogs!" "That little gal's got spunk!" "Get him, gal!" "Grab him by the wigwam!" "I'll wait right here for ya!" "Come on, honey." "Bring him over here." "Get ahold of him." "Bartender, we been fishin'." "Caught ourselves a little Injun." " Oh, no, I don't drink." " Come on." " It'll do you good, partner." " Right down the old hatch." "There you go." "That'll straighten you right out." "You'll feel better." " Just a little bit more." " There you go." "How about a little more?" " No, I'm perfectly all right." " Good." "Looks like little buddy went bye-bye." "Poor darling." "I'm so sorry." "You stay there and..." "Well, I don't know what we can do, but perhaps we can at least dry it out for you." "Oh, dear." "Honestly!" "[KELSO] Come in!" "Your tie looks like a salamander's tongue that got stepped on." " Hiya, honey." " Is he all right?" "He's just a little wet." "You got some dry duds?" " Surely." "I'll get something of Fred's." " [HRUNDI BABBLES DRUNKENLY]" "Here, darling." "Put this on him." " Now you get out of those wet clothes." " I love the wet clothes!" "Thank you for a marvellous party!" "Whoa!" "Fred, darling, I had to loan him your terry." "He's soaking wet." "This is hers, not his." "Oh, darling, do hurry because the Russians will be here any minute." " The Russians?" " The dancers, darling." "The ballet!" " [KELSO] Come on, sidekick." " No, no." "Kelso, would you mind..." " What are you doing?" " I am not doing anything." " You're wetting the bed." " I am not wetting the bed." "My clothes are wetting the bed." " This is the big chief here." " Oh!" "Big chief speak with forked tongue." "Partener, he's a... he's a TV partener." " I'll hold him." "You get his pants down." " All right." " Come here, lovely man." "I love you." " I got something dry over here." "[HRUNDI BABBLES AND GIGGLES]" "Here, Wild Bill, you take off your coat..." "No, no, no, no!" "Oh, no, Wild Bill!" "No, no!" " Get up off the floor." " I got him." "Slippery little critter, ain't he?" " Oh, you naughty man!" " Here, put this on." " Put these on." " Why?" "Why?" "Can you handle him?" "I have to go downstairs." "Take care of it." " I'll handle it." " Wild Bill, why do you want..." " Little sidekick, put these dry clothes on." " All right." "I will put them on." "Good idea." "I gotta get downstairs before Conchita cools off." "You come down with wet clothes on, I'll stomp you and the horse you ride in on." " Got that?" " Buddy... partner buddy." " I'll see you, little buddy." " [PRETEND GUNSHOT]" "Oh!" "You got me right in the pantaloons, partener!" "Adios!" "Hold on, Conchita!" "I'm comin'!" "Adios, partener." "Oh, no..." "[MUTTERS INCOHERENTLY]" "[MICHELE WEEPS SOFTLY]" "Hello." "Hello." "You are having some difficulty?" "No." "Are you sure?" "Well..." " Excuse me." " Yes." "You know that I don't think you are being entirely honest with me?" "No." "Ah." "We have a saying in India." " Yes?" " Yes." " Well?" " Well what?" "You were saying something about a saying?" "Oh, yes." "What is it?" ""Wisdom... is the province of the aged, but the heart of a child is pure."" "That's very pretty." "I'm not sure I know what it means." " Neither do I. - [BOTH GIGGLE]" "What does it have to do with me?" "Well, it has everything to do with you." " For one thing, it stopped you crying." " It's true." "I feel better." "Thank you very much." " Don't thank me." "Thank my saying." " Thank you, saying." " Do you want to hear another saying?" " Yes." "This is a good one because it will help you to remember how many days there are in each month." "It goes like this: "30 days have September, October, June and February."" ""All the rest got 29 except my brother, who got six months."" "Aha." "Just what I thought." "I've been lookin' all over for you." " Get your clothes." "We're gonna leave." " I don't think so." "Look, you came with me." "You're gonna leave with me." "Now get your clothes." " No." " Don't say no to me!" "Now get your stuff." " Go on!" " Mr Divot, please..." " Just stay out of this, buddy." " If she wishes to remain, that is her right." " Just who do you think you are?" " In India, we know who we are." " You're meshuga!" " I am not your sugar." "Baby, you decide." "You wanna come with me or stay with this guy?" " I want to stay." " You're gonna stay with him, huh?" "OK." "Nobody ever does this to me." "You hear that?" "And forget about that test." "You're finished in this business before you even start!" "[SLAMS DOOR]" "Well, that was a short career, wasn't it?" "Oh, don't worry about that." "I'd better find something to put on and call a cab." "No, don't call a cab." "Stay at the party." "And after, I'll take you home in my three-wheeler Morgan." " No." "That would be nice, but I can't stay." " Why not?" "Well, I..." "I got myself into a funny situation." " What, with old Divot?" " Yes." "Is that why you were crying?" " Yes." "It's not really his fault." " He's a terrible man." "Please, stay." "Let's have a wonderful time." "I'd love to, really, but I have nothing to wear." "That's no problem." "They have millions of clothes here." "Anyway, I've got an idea." " Who goes there?" " Shh!" "Mr Bakshi and a damsel in distress." " What do you want?" " Well, you look like a man of the world." "This poor lady is urgently in need of some dry clothing, and I perceive that you are both about the same size." "[♪ JAZZED-UP RUSSIAN MUSIC]" "[MUSIC ENDS]" "[SINGS IN RUSSIAN]" "[♪ LIVELY RUSSIAN MUSIC]" "[CHEERING]" "[MUSIC ENDS]" "Marvellous!" "Just marvellous!" "Everyone, let's toast our wonderful friends!" " [TOASTS IN RUSSIAN] - [CHEERING]" "[♪ LIVELY RUSSIAN MUSIC]" " We need to move the bar." " What?" " We have to move the bar!" " Oh, I know how to do that!" "I'll do it." "Oh, no." "I'd rather..." "Fred." "Fred, stop him." "[♪ MUSIC CONTINUES]" "Oh!" "Fred!" " Come on." " Molly, are you sure it's all right?" " Yes!" "Will you please come?" " But your mother is havin' a party!" " What better time to shake 'em up?" " You've done some stupid things but..." "Hi." " Hello, Mom." " Darling!" "Weren't you out protesting?" "It's a love-in." "Meet some of my friends." "I can't now, darling." "I've got all these wet Russians." "But I'll come back and meet your friends." "Oh, there they are, over there." "[SCREAMS]" " General, your wife just fell in the pool." " Get herjewellery." " Molly, what was that?" "!" " An elephant." " An ele..." " Yes." "You don't have to be so shook up." "Molly, how could you do such a dreadful thing?" "!" " I didn't mean to offend you." " Now listen here, young lady." "You get that elephant out of this house at once!" " Hello." " Hello." " How are you?" " Fine." "Is this your elephant?" " Yes." "This is Jongo." " You've done a proper paint job on this!" " You should be ashamed of yourself!" " Why?" "This is a symbol of my country." " Don't you paint them in India?" " Yes, but we don't paint slogans on them." "He's got "The world is flat" on his forehead," ""Socrates eats hemlock" on the side, and "Go naked" all over his bum!" " We didn't mean to be disrespectful." " But it's humiliating." "They know." "How would you like it if an Indian person came along and drew a moustache on your ladybirds?" "It's the same thing, isn't it?" " I'm awfully sorry." "What should we do?" " Get some water and wash it off." "Wash it, scrub it, get it off, hose it off..." "Hey, gang!" "We're gonna wash the elephant!" "[PROTESTS]" "How many times I gotta tell you?" "You ain't never gonna find anything in here half as sweet as I am." "Take it outside!" "Come on, let's go!" "No!" "You fainted." "Come on!" "All right, all right!" "Everybody out!" "Wash it off!" "Take it all off!" "Bakshi!" "I knew I knew that guy!" "I knew it." "I knew it." "[PHONE RINGS]" "Hello." "Uh..." "Buckercult..." "I wanna talk to the General." "This is CS Divot." "No, no!" "You can't just..." " What's goin' on there?" " [TEENAGERS SHOUTING]" "A bit on the ear!" "Do you believe that child of mine, bringing home an elephant?" " They're dirty." " Oh, really!" "All right!" "Enough!" "Enough!" "We take him outside now and wash all the soap off!" "What do you suppose that awful racket is?" "I'll be right back." " I'm not finished." " I've got to see." "God only knows what's happening now!" "[GASPS]" "Mom!" "What are you doing?" "!" "You and I have gotta find someplace to be alone!" "Get up!" "Save the paintings!" "Mom!" "Are you all right?" "Get the paintings." "Don't just stand there!" " We're certainly having a lot of trouble." " [BLUBBERING HYSTERICALLY]" "I just never, ever, in all my life..." "I just never..." "Not that one, you idiot!" "Just the good stuff!" "Put it back!" "We gotta get rid of it." "Turn on the air conditioning." " I'll never make it." " There's a control in the master bedroom." "[♪ "THE PARTY"]" "♪ The party gets groovy and everyone here loses control, yeah" "♪ Our minds fly away, as the band starts to play we rock and roll" "♪ Come on, baby, listen to me here now" "♪ No time for meditations" "♪ Just feel the wild vibrations" "♪ We'll learn some new sensations" "♪ Tonight" "♪ All night long" "♪ All night long" "♪ Yeah!" "♪ The party goes crazy as we see the night turn into day, yeah" "♪ And that's when you find your inhibited mind is blown away" "♪ Come on, baby, listen to me here now" "♪ We'll swing till we're insane here" "♪ Easy to blow your brain here" "♪ That's why we'll all remain here" "♪ Tonight" "♪ All night long" "♪ All night long" "♪ All night long" "♪ All night long" " Just a minute, sir." " I'm CS Divot, the producer." "I'm a friend of Mr Clutterbuck's." "I gotta tell him something right away." " Hey, what's with the ambulance?" " [COMMOTION]" "Hey, what's with the ambulance?" "Hey, let's go struggle in the straw, huh?" "What the hell is goin' on around here?" " Argh!" " [GIRL LAUGHS]" " Do you believe it?" "The party isn't over!" " Hey, General!" "I don't even know how it got started." " We've got to do a report." " I'll talk to the governor." " I gotta tell you something!" " It was crazy!" "You should've seen it!" " Alice, baby, do you feel better?" " Oh, I'm fine!" " I'm going to be in the aquacade!" " That's nice." "Don't drop her." "Congressman and Mrs Dunphy, I don't know how to tell you..." "It's quite all right." "Call me if there's anything I can do." "Mr Clutterbuck, may I apologize to you for the discomfort..." " It's all right." " [WHISPERS] General, it's him!" " Who?" " Bakshi!" " He's the idiot who blew up the location!" " [ROARS]" "You got the wrong guy!" "Hey, little buddy!" "Hold on!" "Here's one of my old Stetsons." "It just fits." "And here's an autographed picture of me and my horse Fang." "♪ Nothing to lose" "♪ If we are wise" "♪ We're not expecting rainbow-colored skies" "♪ Not right away" "♪ Nothing to lose" "♪ It might be fun" "♪ No talk of spending lifetimes in the sun" "Well, this is where I live." "A beautiful home." "I would ask you to come up but..." "it's a little late." "Or early." "I don't know." "Anyway, I have to get back to feed Apu." " Apu?" " Yes." "My monkey." "Oh." "It's a lovely name - for a monkey, anyway." " He's used to it by now, anyway." " Good." "I would like to say that I enjoyed myself very much last night." "I did too." "Very much." "Especially I thought your song was very beautiful." " You did?" " Yes." "Thank you." " Goodbye." " Goodbye." "Oh." "Here's your hat." "Oh, look..." "You keep it." "But you may need it." "No, I'd like you to keep it." "All right." "If you should want it or need it sometimes..." "Well... if I need it, I could always come perhaps and pick it up." "That would be very nice." "When would you be available for me to pick up my hat?" "Well... [GIGGLES] Maybe next week." " I'll come and get it then." " OK." " I would love to have my hat back." " [GIGGLES] Goodbye." "TCS Subtitling"