"WOULD YOU WAKE ME UP IN 7 MINUTES?" "AHH, DOUGLAS." "ARE YOU GOING OUT, BY ANY CHANCE?" "WELL, I'M PUTTING ON A COAT, SO..." "I'M GONNA LET YOU CONNECT THOSE DOTS." "SORRY." "I LIVE IN A BASEMENT WITH NO INSULATION." "I PUT ON A COAT TO WATCH TV." "APOLOGY ACCEPTED." "ANYWAY, DO ME A SOLID AND DROP ME OFF IN THE CITY." "I'M GONNA HANG WITH MY FRIENDS IN THE VILLAGE." "YEAH, THAT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN." "WHY NOT?" "BECAUSE CARRIE AND I, WE'RE GOING TO SEE DEACON AND KELLY," "AND IT'S IN THE OTHER DIRECTION." "DARLING, CAN YOU DRIVE ME?" "DAD, I'M GOING WITH DOUG." "WON'T BE LATE." "LOVE YOU." "FINE." "MAYBE I SHOULD JUST HOP A FREIGHT TRAIN, LIKE A HOBO?" "MAKE SURE YOU BRING SOME BEANS," "SO THE OTHERS WILL LIKE YOU." "HERE'S DESSERT." "OH." "THANKS." "HERE YOU GUYS GO." "FRUIT?" "THAT'S IT?" "THAT'S IT." "I GOTTA TELL YOU" "I'M PRETTY CLOSE TO CRYING." "I AM SO JEALOUS THAT YOU GUYS ARE GOING TO BERMUDA." "AND THE BEST PART?" "THE RESORT WAS RUNNING THIS BIG PROMOTION." "WE GOT A SICK DEAL." "YEAH?" "WELL, IF YOU WANT TO BRING ME BACK A SOUVENIR," "THIS CABANA BOY WOULD BE JUST FINE." "HEY, DEAC, CAN YOU HELP ME WITH THE COFFEE?" "OH, YEAH." "OH, AND BY THE WAY- THANKS AGAIN, GUYS," "FOR TAKING MAJOR FOR THE WEEKEND." "NO PROBLEM." "I'M SORRY..." "WHAT DID HE JUST SAY?" "OH, I FORGOT TO TELL YOU-WE'RE WATCHING MAJOR THIS WEEKEND." "OW!" "WHEN WERE YOU PLANNING ON TELLING ME?" "I WAS GONNA WAIT TILL YOU GOT IN A GOOD MOOD," "BUT THAT NEVER HAPPENS, SO I DIDN'T" "OW!" "HEY!" "OK." "THANK YOU." "DOUG, I WORK HARD ALL WEEK." "THE WEEKEND IS MY TIME." "CARRIE TIME." "I BARELY WANT TO SPEND IT WITH YOU!" "FINE." "YOU KNOW WHAT?" "I'LL WATCH HIM, OK?" "YOU WON'T HAVE TO DO A THING." "OH, YEAH?" "REALLY?" "THAT'S WHAT YOU SAID ABOUT THE TURTLE." "OK." "FOR THE LAST TIME, OK?" "I DIDN'T KNOW HE WAS ATTACHED TO HIS SHELL." "HEY." "HEY." "SO, THIS DEAL WE GOT- 4 DAY WEEKEND, 700 BUCKS." "4 DAYS?" "NOW, THAT IS CRAZY." "HEH." "YOU KNOW WHAT'S CRAZY?" "CALLING 4 DAYS A WEEKEND." "'CAUSE WHERE I COME FROM, THAT'S, LIKE, A WEEK." "KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?" "THAT'S A LONG TIME." "THAT'S WHAT I'M- AHH, GOD!" "SHE STILL MAKES ME LAUGH." "SHE MAKES ME LAUGH." "HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING OUT OF BED, LITTLE MAN?" "I WANT YOU TO READ ME A STORY." "OH, BUDDY, WE HAVE COMPANY OVER." "I'LL READ TO YOU TOMORROW NIGHT." "HEY, YOU WANT YOUR UNCLE DOUG TO READ YOU A STORY?" "YEAH!" "DOUG, YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THAT." "I KNOW I DON'T HAVE TO." "I WANT TO." "COME ON, BUDDY." "WE REALLY APPRECIATE YOU GUYS TAKING MAJOR." "YEAH." "OH!" "WELL, GOOD LUCK GETTING HIM BACK." "AHH!" "THANK YOU FOR THE RIDE, DANIEL." "NAH, NO PROBLEM." "OH, JUST SO YOU KNOW," "SINCE LAST MONTH, I'VE BEEN GOING TO THE CITY" "EVERY TUESDAY." "UH..." "I'M SEEING A" " UH, THERAPIST." "YEAH, WELL, I'M NOT" "I'M NOT CRAZY OR ANYTHING." "YOU KNOW." "I MEAN-HEH." "I JUST HAVE SOME ISSUES TO WORK OUT." "YOU KNOW." "BUT DO ME A FAVOR." "DON'T MENTION ANYTHING TO DOUG, ALL RIGHT?" "I'M JUST" "NOT THAT I'M ASHAMED OF IT, YOU KNOW." "I ACTUALLY FEEL REALLY GOOD ABOUT IT." "REALLY GOOD." "PERHAPS YOU COULD HAVE YOUR THERAPIST WORK ON" "MAKING YOU LESS OF A DULLARD." "WOW." "WE ARE MAKING GREAT TIME." "WE'RE GONNA BE IN THE CITY IN, LIKE, 5 MINUTES." "WE ARE WHIZZING ALONG, AREN'T WE?" "YEAH, THANKS TO YOU, I CAN USE THE CARPOOL LANE." "HA!" "YOU KNOW WHAT YOU SHOULD DO?" "YOU SHOULD RENT YOURSELF OUT TO SINGLE DRIVERS." "I BET YOU'D MAKE SOME GREAT MONEY." "YES!" "I BET I COULD!" "I BET I COULD." ""BUT JIMMY SOON LEARNED THIS WAS NO ORDINARY PEN." ""THIS WAS A MAGICAL PEN." ""IF HE DREW A SNOWMAN WITH IT, SHAZAM!" ""THERE WAS A SNOWMAN-"" ""RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF HIS ROOM."" ""RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF HIS ROOM." YES." ""IF HE DREW A CASTLE WITH IT, PRESTO!"" ""THERE'S A CASTLE, AND HE WAS THE KING!"" "YOU KNOW THIS STORY PRETTY WELL, HUH?" "I KNOW IT BY HEART." "OH, OK." "WE'LL SEE ABOUT THAT." "AHEM." ""AND BEST OF ALL, ONE NIGHT, WHEN JIMMY COULDN'T SLEEP," ""THE MAGICAL PEN-"" ""DREW BIG, FLUFFY SHEETS FOR JIM AND THE CLOWN."" "UH, ACTUALLY, THAT'S NOT WHAT IT SAYS HERE AT ALL." "IT SAYS, UH..." ""THE MAGICAL PEN GRABBED ITS STOMACH AND THREW UP."" ""AND HE THREW UP A BIG, GIANT LOBSTER MAN" ""WITH GIANT CLAWS" ""BUT WITH REGULAR PEOPLE FEET."" ""AND-AND THEN HE STARTED GETTING CLOSER AND CLOSER" ""TO JIMMY'S BED, AND JIMMY SCREAMED, 'OH, NO, NO!" ""'PLEASE, DON'T HURT ME!" "NO, PLEASE!" "'" ""AND THE LOBSTER MAN SAID, 'I'M GONNA SNAP YOUR NECK" "'AND EAT YOU," ""'AND YOUR FAMILY WILL NEVER SEE YOU AGAIN!" "'"" ""AND-AND THEN" ""EVERYBODY JUST STARTED LAUGHING."" "NO, 'CAUSE IT WAS ALL" " IT WAS JUST ALL A BIG GOOF." "IT WAS ALL A GOOF, YOU KNOW?" "AND THEN, LOBSTER MAN SAID," ""HEY, EVERYBODY, LET'S DANCE!"" "AND THEN-AND EVERYBODY, THEY ALL GRABBED JIMMY AND THEY" "THEY THREW HIM UP ON A CHAIR." "YOU KNOW, LIKE AT A BAR MITZVAH." "AND" "AND HE'S NOT EVEN JEWISH, SO THAT SHOWS YOU" "HOW MUCH THEY LIKE JIMMY, YOU KNOW, RIGHT THERE." "THE END!" "OK." "YOU GOOD?" "YOU LOOK GOOD." "ALL RIGHT, BUDDY." "GOOD NIGHT." "NO, KELLY, I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND." "I MEAN, YOU HAVE TO DO WHAT'S BEST." "OH, WE WOULD'VE LOVED TO HAVE THE LITTLE GUY HERE FOR THE WEEKEND," "BUT IF HE DOESN'T WANT TO STAY HERE, HE SHOULDN'T." "ALL RIGHT." "I'LL TALK TO YOU SOON, HONEY." "BYE-BYE." "GIVE MAMA SOME SUGAR, BABY." "WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?" "WE'RE NOT GETTING MAJOR FOR THE WEEKEND." "WHAT?" "YEP." "THEY'RE DUMPING HIM SOMEWHERE ELSE" "BECAUSE YOU SCARED THE CRAP OUT OF THAT KID LAST NIGHT." "DID YOU-DID YOU DO THAT FOR ME, BABY?" "BECAUSE IF YOU DID, I" "ONE SECOND." "HE-HE'S STILL SCARED FROM MY STORY?" "YEAH." "WHAT'D YOU SAY TO HIM, ANYWAY?" "I MEAN, KELLY SAID HE MADE THEM THROW OUT ALL THEIR PENS." "TOLD A LITTLE STORY ABOUT A MAGICAL PEN" "THAT THROWS UP A HALF-MAN LOBSTER THAT EATS LITTLE BOYS." "WELL, THAT'S CREEPY." "OK, A BIG, BAD WOLF CAN EAT A GRANDMA, BUT I'M OUT OF LINE." "ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT." "COME ON." "CALM DOWN." "ANYWAY," "KELLY SAID MAJOR IS DOING BETTER NOW." "IT'S ALL FINE." "IT'S NOT FINE." "OK?" "I TERRIFIED A CHILD" "MY GODSON- SO MUCH THAT HE" "HE WOULDN'T EVEN SET FOOT IN MY HOUSE." "I KNOW!" "GIVE MAMA SOME SUGAR!" "COME ON!" "WILL YOU STOP IT?" "!" "YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND." "I MEAN, KIDS LIKE ME." "YOU KNOW?" "THEY RUN TO ME." "THEY CLIMB ON ME." "YOU THINK I STAYED THIS SIZE FOR MYSELF?" "THIS IS FOR THE CHILDREN." "THIS CARPOOL LANE IS MARVELOUS, ISN'T IT?" "YEAH, I'M GLAD I SAW YOUR AD." "BY THE WAY," "MY SERVICE ALSO INCLUDES CHITCHAT." "HOWEVER, IF YOU WANNA TALK POLITICS, I SHOULD WARN YOU." "I HAVE SOME VERY STRONG OPINIONS." "THAT'S OK." "I KINDA LIKE IT QUIET." "HURTFUL MESSAGE RECEIVED." "EXCUSE ME." "SHOTGUN ARTIE'S, WE GET YOU THERE QUICKER." "THE AIRPORT AT 3:00?" "HMM." "HOLD ON." "I'VE ALREADY GOT A PICKUP THEN," "BUT I DON'T WANNA MISS AN AIRPORT FARE." "WHAT SHOULD I DO HERE, CAL, HUH?" "UM, I'M NOT REALLY SURE." "COULD YOU PUT YOUR SHOES BACK ON?" "DON'T YOU WORRY." "SOMEBODY WILL BE THERE." "WHO WANTS TO MAKE SOME EASY MONEY?" "HMM?" "HEY." "OH." "WHAT'S GOING ON, MAN?" "UH, I JUST WANTED TO GIVE YOU BACK YOUR, UH," "EARTH, WIND AND FIRE CD." "YOU'VE HAD IT FOR 2 YEARS." "BEST 2 YEARS OF MY LIFE." "HEY, IS, UH, MAJOR AROUND?" "MAYBE..." "WHY?" "JUST WANNA SAY HELLO TO THE LITTLE GUY, THAT'S ALL." "NO, YOU KNOW, I DON'T THINK THAT'S SUCH A GOOD IDEA." "OH, MAN, I'M HIS GODFATHER." "I JUST WANNA SAY HELLO TO" "YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE TOLD THAT DAMN STORY" "ABOUT A KILLER LOBSTER." "OK, IT WAS A LOBSTER-MAN," "HALF MAN, HALF LOBSTER." "KILLER LOBSTER." "WHERE'S YOUR HEAD?" "HEY, THERE HE-HEY," "MAJOR DEACON EXPRESSWAY." "WHAT'S UP?" "HOW YOU DOING THERE, BUDDY?" "OK." "SO YOUR DAD TELLS ME THE STORY I TOLD YOU THE OTHER NIGHT" "KINDA SCARED YOU A LITTLE, HUH?" "UH-HUH." "AHEM." "YOU KNOW, UH, IT WAS IN THE PAPER TODAY" "THAT LOBSTER-MAN GOT CAUGHT AND HE'S IN JAIL." "SO NOW YOU CAN COME TO UNCLE DOUG AND AUNT CARRIE'S HOUSE." "NO!" "LOBSTER-MAN WILL GET ME!" "OK, GOTTA PAY ATTENTION HERE, BUD, OK?" "JUST SAID A SECOND AGO THEY CAUGHT HIM." "HE'S IN JAIL." "SO HE CAN'T GET YOU." "I DON'T WANNA STAY WITH YOU!" "YOU'LL TELL 'EM THAT STUPID STORY AGAIN." "UM, FOR YOUR INFORMATION," "MOST KIDS LOVE THAT STUPID STORY." "SO..." "MAYBE THE PROBLEM'S NOT WITH THE STORY." "MAYBE IT'S WITH YOU." "ALL RIGHT, YOU KNOW WHAT?" "UNCLE DOUG'S GOTTA GO NOW." "AW, MAN." "IT'S OK." "HE NEEDS TO HEAR THIS." "NO, HE DOESN'T!" "YES, HE DOES!" "YOU'RE SCARY!" "I'M NOT SCARY!" "I'M YOUR GODFATHER, OK?" "I DON'T CARE!" "OK, WELL, YOU'RE GONNA CARE WHEN SOMETHING HORRIBLE HAPPENS TO YOUR PARENTS" "AND I'M ALL YOU GOT!" "DADDY!" "NO, DADDY'S GONNA BE FINE." "GET OUT." "BYE, BUDDY." "LOVE YOU, MAN!" "MR. JENKINS WILL PICK YOU UP" "ON THE CORNER OF NORTHERN AND THIRD." "INCIDENTALLY, HE SOUNDED" "A LITTLE SKETCHY ON THE PHONE, SO KEEP THE DOOR UNLOCKED." "HERE YOU GO, ARTHUR." "THIS IS FOR THE BROOKLYN RUN." "OH, THANK YOU, FLORA." "I HAVE A CLIENT GOING TO YONKERS, IF YOU'RE INTERESTED." "OOH, YONKERS." "OH, HOW DELIGHTFUL." "BY THE BY," "IT WOULDN'T HURT BUSINESS IF YOU POPPED ANOTHER BUTTON." "OOH." "AND NOW, MAJOR IS SO FREAKED OUT" "THAT SOMETHING COULD HAPPEN TO ME OR DEACON," "ONLY ONE OF US CAN LEAVE THE APARTMENT AT A TIME." "I'M SO SORRY." "NO OFFENSE, BUT YOUR HUSBAND'S AN IDIOT." "BELIEVE ME, IF HIS JOB DIDN'T HAVE DENTAL," "I WOULD'VE BEEN OUT THAT DOOR A LONG TIME AGO." "AND OUR TRIP WAS NON-REFUNDABLE." "WE'RE OUT 700 BUCKS." "UNLESS WE CAN FIND SOMEBODY TO TAKE IT OFF OUR HANDS." "YOU ARE ON FIRE!" "WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?" "YOU SCARED THAT KID SO BAD LAST NIGHT" "THAT DEACON AND KELLY AREN'T GOING ON THEIR TRIP." "BUT GUESS WHO IS?" "I'LL GIVE YOU A HINT" "IT RHYMES WITH SHMU AND SHMEE." "WHOA!" "WE'RE NOT TAKING THAT TRIP." "I'M SORRY." "NO, REALLY?" "THAT'S NOT WHAT THESE TICKETS SAY." "CARRIE, WE'RE NOT GOING." "WE'RE NOT GOING." "DOUG, WE HAVE TO, HONEY, FOR DEACON AND KELLY." "OTHERWISE, THEY'RE GONNA LOSE ALL THIS MONEY." "THE TRIP IS A PREPAID THING." "OK." "YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE IS PREPAID?" "YOUR TICKET TO HELL, 'CAUSE YOU'RE A DEVIL WOMAN." "WELL, IF BY HELL, YOU MEAN BERMUDA, THEN..." "NO, I GOTTA GO OVER THERE AND MAKE THIS RIGHT." "WHAT?" "DOUG, NO." "STOP." "ALL RIGHT, LOOK." "I'LL ADMIT," "THE MORE YOU TORTURE THE KID, THE BETTER THINGS GET FOR ME," "BUT NOW I'M REALLY THINKING OF MAJOR." "YEAH, RIGHT." "I AM." "DO YOU REALLY THINK GOING OVER THERE FOR A THIRD TIME" "IS REALLY GONNA MAKE THINGS BETTER?" "I DON'T KNOW." "MAYBE, YEAH." "HONEY, LISTEN TO ME, OK?" "MAJOR LOVES YOU." "BUT HE NEEDS A LITTLE SPACE FROM YOU RIGHT NOW," "A LITTLE TIME" "TO FORGET ABOUT ALL THE SCARY STUFF YOU DID" "AND REMEMBER ALL THE GOOD TIMES YOU GUYS HAVE HAD TOGETHER." "HE NEVER REMEMBERS THOSE." "I KNOW, I KNOW." "I'M GONNA RUN SOME ERRANDS." "YOU GO TO THE DRY CLEANERS." "AND WHEN YOU GET BACK," "YOU CAN HAVE A SCOOTER PIE." "YEAH?" "I HAD ONE ALREADY, BUT I'LL HAVE ANOTHER ONE." "SIR, I ASSURE YOU I HAD NO IDEA" "JOEL SUFFERED FROM MOTION SICKNESS" "WHEN HE WAS HIRED AT SHOTGUN ARTIE'S." "FINE." "WE'LL PAY FOR YOUR CAR TO BE CLEANED." "ARTHUR?" "THE CHECK YOU WROTE ME BOUNCED." "AS DID MINE." "YOU KNOW HE'S PAYING US A LOUSY $10" "AND KEEPING 20 FOR HIMSELF?" "THAT'S AN OUTRAGEOUS LIE." "I SAW THE BOOKS." "THAT'S PRIVATE, AND YOU'RE FIRED." "NOW, BEAT IT." "ARTHUR, YOU HAVE ME GOING ALL THE WAY OUT TO PHILADELPHIA," "BUT HOW AM I GOING TO GET BACK?" "YOU HAVE A THUMB, DON'T YOU?" "I'M A WOMAN." "I CAN'T BE OUT THERE ALONE AT NIGHT." "TRUST ME" " NOBODY'S BUYING WHAT YOU'RE SELLING." "OH!" "THESE WORK CONDITIONS ARE TERRIBLE." "I SAY WE FORM A UNION." "YEAH!" "YOU SHOULD FORM A UNION" "A UNION OF INGRATES!" "AND YOU KNOW, I DIDN'T TELL HIM HIS PARENTS WILL DIE." "I SAID IF THEY DIE." "YOU KNOW, HE'S THE ONE WHO SAW THE GLASS HALF EMPTY." "WELL, YOU KNOW, STUFF LIKE THAT MAY SEEM SMALL," "BUT IT COULD TRAUMATIZE PEOPLE FOR YEARS." "FOR YEARS." "YOU'RE CRAZY." "EXCUSE ME?" "I'M NOT CRAZY, OK?" "I MEAN, YOU MAY NOT LIKE WHAT I HAVE TO SAY," "BUT THAT DOESN'T MATTER ANYMORE." "AND YOU KNOW WHY?" "BECAUSE I'VE LEARNED FROM MY THERAPIST" "THAT THE ONLY OPINION THAT MATTERS IS MINE." "YEAH." "ALL THESE YEARS, I TRIED PLEASING" "MY FATHER, MY TEACHERS, THE I.R.S." "WELL, THAT'S OVER, OK?" "FROM NOW ON, IT'S ALL ABOUT ME, ALL RIGHT?" "FOR THE FIRST TIME IN 41 YEARS," "DANNY HEFFERNAN IS A VERY HAPPY GUY." "YOU SEEM IT." "I'LL BE IN THE CAR!" "ANOTHER PARTY TOMORROW, MR. BIPPY?" "YEP." "KIDS LOVE CLOWNS." "HEY, BABE." "WHAT THE" "OH, MY GOD." "YOU HAVE ME GOING ALL THE WAY TO PHILADELPHIA." "BUT HOW WILL I GET BACK?" "HOW WILL I GET BACK?" "ARTHUR, THE CHECK YOU WROTE ME BOUNCED." "I SAY WE FORM A UNION." "I SAY WE ROUGH HIM UP." "LIFE WAS SO MUCH SIMPLER LAST WEEK" "WHEN IT WAS JUST ME, A STRANGER..." "AND THE OPEN ROAD." "YOU GOING TO THE EXPRESSWAY?" "UH, YEAH." "HEY!" "DON'T WORRY." "I'M DOING THIS ONE FOR FREE." "HELLO?" "HELLO." "SORRY TO BOTHER YOU THERE." "I JUST MOVED INTO THE BUILDING" "AND CAN'T SEEM TO REMEMBER THE BLOODY ENTRY CODE." "OH!" "WELL, WELCOME TO THE BUILDING." "UH, WHAT UNIT ARE YOU IN?" "OH, I'M IN 3-G." "THE RANDALLS LIVE IN 3-G." "I'M SORRY, THAT'S 3-E." "THAT'S "E" AS IN ENTENMANN'S." "DOUG." "DEAC, COME ON, LET ME IN!" "DOUG, GO HOME." "COME ON, I GOT A COOL SURPRISE FOR MAJOR!" "LEAVE MY KID ALONE!" "DAMN!" "OOF!" "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?" "!" "WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE!" "LISTEN, RONALD mcdonald." "YOU ARE NOT SCREWING UP THIS VACATION FOR ME," "SO GET BACK DOWN HERE." "NO!" "DAMN THESE GIGANTIC SHOES!" "DOUG, THIS IS RIDICULOUS!" "NO!" "I KNOW I CAN MAKE THIS RIGHT." "DOUG, STOP!" "STOP." "BABY, YOU GOTTA LET THIS THING GO." "NOT FOR ME, NOT FOR THE TRIP," "BUT FOR MAJOR." "FINE." "GOOD, GOOD." "NOW, COME ON, HONEY." "LET'S GO HOME." "YOU ARE SO DEAD!" "SORRY I WAS STARTLED AT FIRST." "WHEN YOU GOT THE CAR, I THOUGHT YOU HAD" "SOMETHING ENTIRELY DIFFERENT IN MIND." "OH, NO, NO." "THAT IS A SERVICE I DO NOT PROVIDE." "ACTUALLY, YOU KNOW, IN THIS NEIGHBORHOOD," "YOU'D PROBABLY MAKE A FORTUNE." "AHH." "I BET I COULD." "I BET I COULD."