"No." "No." "No." "Oh, for crying out loud." "Michael, go back to the desk and ask them which car it is." "He doesn't have to go back." "One of these numbers is definitely a six." "All the number plates have got a six in them!" "No, they haven't." "Do you think that little light should be coming on when I press it?" "Oh, come on!" "We're wasting time, we've been here too long!" "Hey, hey, calm down, you, where do you think you are, The Crystal Maze?" "Push that trolley for your mother, she's getting a sweat on." "You push the trolley!" "I'm doing this." "Just give me the key and I'll go back." "Give him the key!" "There's no point giving him the key 'cause you can't read all of the numbers on it." "I know you can't read all the numbers but they might know which one it is!" "No." "And while he's there he can pick up the contract that you left on the desk." "I never left it on the desk, she didn't give it me in the first place." "She did give it to you and you put it on the desk." "Well, if you saw me put it on the desk why didn't you pick it up?" "Just give him the key!" "(CAR BEEPING)" "We weren't even in the right bloody row!" "Hey, chill out, we're on holiday!" "(CHILDREN LAUGHING)" "(POOLSIDE YELLING)" "What's he doing?" "(COUGHING)" "Choking, mainly." "(COUGHING)" "It's a bit like watching one of them rats that can't get out of a maze but keeps trying." "(YELLING)" "That's not a very nice thing to say." "Rats are intelligent." "(GIGGLES) It's a bit like that film isn't it?" "What?" "When Harry Met Sally?" "No, Forrest Gump." "Sorry!" "Excuse me, could I have my ball back?" "Can you pass me my ball, please?" "We ain't got your ball." "I wasn't really talking to you." "You what?" "Excuse me, excuse me." "Nat, Forrest wants a word." "Hiya." "I was wondering if you could pass me my ball, please?" "I can't hear you." "I'll get out!" "Huh?" "Run, Forrest, run!" "Hiya." "Oh, I couldn't hear what you were saying." "I was just wondering if you could pass me my beach ball." "Oh, I see." "But it's all right." "I've got it now." "Have you?" "Yeah, it's here." "Oh, yeah?" "I'm Liam." "Hello, Liam." "I'm Natalie." "Oh, that's a beautiful name." "(SMIRKS)" "(LAUGHING)" "This is Sam." "Ah, we used to have a dog called Sam." "Me mum got rid of it 'cause it used to chew its bum." "(LAUGHING)" "You here on your own, Liam?" "No." "Be a bit sad if I was here on me own." "I'm with me dad." "Oh, you do surprise me." "He's over here working." "Got me a cheap holiday." "Thought I'd catch a few rays, get a nice tan to show off to the lads back home." "I did ask if some of them wanted to come but they all seemed a bit busy." "Mmm." "Funny that, isn't it?" "Well, I say all of them, my cousin Kendal wanted to come but he's a bit skint at the moment 'cause he's paying off a moped what he bought on the internet by mistake." "Plus, he's been having a lot of asthma attacks recently." "Liam, Liam, Liam." "Shh." "Well, I'll see youse around." "Yeah, look after your ball." "See ya." "What?" "He's cute in a... funny sort of way." "Lord have mercy." "Mmm." "That's the trouble with buffets, they're very moreish, aren't they?" "This is an absolute outrage." "Oh, there must be something you can eat." "Have a slice of toast, no butter" "I can't have toast, it's a carbohydrate." "You had toast at work the other morning." "Yes, hello?" "That was wholemeal bread." "It's till carbohydrate, isn't it?" ""Low fat options for all meals" ""plus fresh fruit available throughout the day."" "Look, it's there in black and white." "Do you know?" "You can buy a pack of eight sausages now for 1 6 pence." "That's 2p each." "Makes you wonder what's in them, don't it?" "Excuse me, you don't seem to have any brown bread." "Yeah, I know." "Well, why not?" "'Cause nobody eats it." "Well, how can they eat it if you don't have any?" "I can't argue with that." "Excuse me, excuse me." "Yeah?" "Where is the fruit?" "Fruit?" "Yes." "Eccentric, colourful food." "It grows on trees." "We don't give you pudding at breakfast." "I'm not being funny but if there's not enough on that table to feed you in the morning, you must have worms." "It says fresh fruit at all times!" "There you go, got you a yoghurt." ""Toffee and banana."" "Perfect, just eat the banana bit." "Hello, Inland Revenue." "Hello?" "She'll be outside." "Look at this!" "Whoa!" "This is cool!" "Bloody hell!" "This has cost a bob or two." "Right, I'm going in the pool." "You coming in, Dad?" "Yeah, in a minute." "Hey, look at that!" "What's me mam doing with a gold disc?" "Maybe it was one of Mel's?" "Well it won't be for his rendition of Lonely Girl, I can tell you that." "Oh, no, it's..." "Can I help you?" "I said, can I help you?" "You're Cilla Black." "I know." "How did you get in?" "It's Cilla Black." "I know." "Consuela!" "(MOUTHING)" "Consuela!" "Um..." "Where's Madge?" "Who's Madge?" "Madge Harvey." "It's Cilla Black." "Who let these people in?" "(SPEAKING SPANISH)" "Oh, I know what it is!" "Surprise, Surprise." "Oh, bloody hell!" "Of course!" "♪ Surprise, surprise" "♪ The unexpected slaps you between the thighs ♪" "You've done her house up for Surprise, Surprise, haven't you?" "Oh, you've done a lovely job." "Hey, let's hope your mother hasn't got any long lost relatives in Australia, we'll never get a look-in, in that pool." "You coming in, Dad?" "It's beautiful." "Hiya." "Look, if all you people have not left my house within the next 30 seconds," "I'm going to call the police." "Consuela!" "Your house?" "Oh, my God, she's moved and forgot to tell us." "Is everything okay?" "Mick!" "Janice!" "What are you doing here?" "Do you know these people, Donald?" "Yes, Janice's mother and her husband, Mel and Madge Harvey, were the previous owners of this house." "We called by on Madge, too, to see how she was coping on her own but we met Cilla and ended up, um, staying for a cocktail." "Are you coming back?" "I can't hold this position much longer." "We'd best be off." "Michael, get out that pool." "We're really sorry to have bothered you." "(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Come on." "It's not your nana's house." "(GROANING)" "Oh, sorry, Jacqueline." "Here, let me help you with that." "Yes, that fits nicely." "Very kind of you." "Well, you're very welcome." "All that stuff was in the wardrobe back there when I got here, so, help yourself." "Oh, lovely!" "Look, I'm just about to go for a jacuzzi outside." "Now, I don't know what your plans are, but you're very welcome to join me." "I'm afraid we haven't got anything appropriate to wear." "Oh, not a problem, I don't usually bother with a swimsuit meself." "And you both seem very... broad-minded." "Absolutely!" "Oh, yes!" "Consuela!" "(SIGHING)" "Where do you think she's gone?" "I don't know." "I think there's maybe just been a bit of a mix-up, hasn't there?" "Well, if me nana's moved out of her house, she's not answering her mobile, and she's not here, that's quite a big mix-up, isn't it?" "Yeah." "I suppose it is." "Well?" "Madge sold the Benidorm Palace three months ago." "Three months ago?" "She can't have done, she'd have told us." "This is a right mix-up." "Well, where do we go from here?" "Come on, you can do us a better rate than that, we've stayed here before." "We're regulars." "Oh, for God's sake, just pay it." "I need a shower right now, I smell like meat and potato pie." "Well, where the flaming hell has she gone?" "She can't just disappear." "Thank you." "I don't suppose you remember me mother, do you?" "We've been here a few times all together." "No." "Little woman, very tanned, about 70, chain-smoker." "Rides one of them mobility scooters." "You have just described 90% of the people in Benidorm." "Her and me granddad bought the Benidorm Palace." "Ah, Señora Harvey, the wedding on the beach?" "Yeah, that's the one." "Harvey, yeah." "You don't know what happened to her, do you?" "Of course." "Oh, thank God for that." "They bought the Benidorm Palace." "We know that." "Very sad about Señor Harvey." "You know, he die." "Yeah, we know that as well." "Apparently, me mother sold the Benidorm Palace a few months ago." "Do you know where she is now?" "(DRAWING OUT SYLLABLES) Eh..." "Um..." "No." "Janey, do you know what happened to the little lady in the wheelchair?" "She and her husband, they bought the Palace." "Oh, yeah, she sold it a few months ago." "Yes, they know that." "Her husband passed away." "Yeah, we know all this!" "We just want to try and find out if you know where she is now?" "(DRAWING OUT SYLLABLE) Erm..." "No." "Oh!" "Right, come on, let's freshen up." "Oh, hang on, have you tried the El Cisne?" "The what?" "Second-hand market, she had a stall there a couple of weeks ago." "You could always try there" "(GROANING)" "Oh, I think I've had too much breakfast." "I can't move." "(GROANS) I think it was that fried bread that did it." "Isn't it funny?" "You feel like a bit of a pig when you make fried bread at home." "But on holiday you just shovel it in, don't you?" "Yes, you did." "Mind you, I say I'm full, but I could always eat something sweet, you know, after a big meal." "Oh, yeah." "Seriously." "I could be fit to bust, doesn't matter if I can feel the food sitting in me neck, if someone says to me," ""Do you want to go halves on a pineapple fritter?" I'm there." "(TEXT MESSAGE BEEPING)" "Is that Troy?" "Yes." "Aw..." "Isn't it funny how history repeats itself." "He finds out his son wants to get in touch with him, then Troy's dad gets in touch with him." "Ooh!" "Talking of things repeating, I'm regretting that third sausage." "(GROANING)" "Everything all right?" "Yes, apparently his condition is stable now." "Troy says he's going to stay a couple of more days and if he's improved further he'll get a flight here." "Well, just let me know when you want to get rid of me." "Nothing worse than someone outstaying their welcome." "(BURPING)" "Ooh, ooh." "Ooh, that's better." "Fancy a lolly?" "No?" "Oh, come on, let's go, she's not here." "Why would she have a stall here?" "Why didn't she tell us about the Benidorm Palace?" "Mick, something's happened to her, I know it has." "Hey, come on, don't upset yourself." "You know what your mother's like." "It's my fault, I shouldn't have let her stay out here on her own after Mel died." "Mum!" "Dad!" "Come and look at this!" "Oh, my God." "Different number." "Why would she sell this?" "It's ringing." "Give us it here." "(PHONE RINGING)" "(PHONE RINGING)" "I've told you, I'll have the money by the end of the month." "What money?" "Mother, are you all right?" "Who is this?" "Who do you think it is?" "It's Janice." "What's going on?" "Why didn't you tell us you had another phone?" "Where are you?" "Oh, uh, just at the villa, you know..." "Day off today." "Palace is very quiet." "Just having a soak in the Jacuzzi." "Mam, we're in Spain." "Whereabouts in Spain?" "Where do you think we are?" "We're in Benidorm!" "You're in Benidorm?" "What?" "Now?" "It was meant to be a surprise but obviously it hasn't worked out." "We've been to the villa." "We know you've moved." "We've been to the Benidorm Palace, we know you've sold it." "Mother, are you all right?" "Where are you?" "We've hired a car, just tell us where you are." "No!" "No, don't come here." "Go back to the Solana." "I'll see you there in half an hour." "What did she say?" "She's meeting us at the Solana in half an hour." "Excuse me, love, how much is the scooter?" "It's not for sale." "So, if me nana is all right, does that mean you don't get the insurance money?" "It was a joke!" "There you go, love." "Right, Mateo, I'll be back in1 0 minutes." "Where are you going?" "We are too busy for one person." "Funny you should say that." "That's where I'm going, to get Les." "Who is Les?" "New barman." "No, you did not give the job to the little old guy with no hair, please." "We said the best one was the young girl." "No, I think you'll find it was you who said that." "I know it seems strange, but I thought I'd go for a more experienced barman with references, as opposed to a dizzy, 1 7-year-old girl who can't add up." "Oh, here he is." "Why does she need to add up?" "The drinks are free!" "Morning, Janey." "Ah, thanks for letting us come in a bit early, you know." "I just thought it would be good to hit the ground running, so to speak." "You must be Potato." "Janey, please, you don't understand." "I can't work with this guy, it's not good for my image." "Not good for your image?" "Who do you think you are?" "Bono?" "Shall I get started now?" "No!" "Janey, he can work inside, please, come on, this is my bar." "Hey, did you have any thoughts about my idea, you know, of waiter service to people on their sunbeds during the quieter parts of the day?" "What?" "We can talk about it later." "Here you go." "You've told Potato about Lesley, haven't you?" "My name is Mateo." "Oh, yeah," "Les is a transvestite." "I said he can come to work dressed as Lesley any time he wants." "Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha." "Very funny." "Janey, please tell me this is a joke." "It's no joke." "We're an equal opportunities employer." "How do you think you got the job?" "Right, sorry to keep you waiting." "What can I get you?" "What time is it?" "She said she'd be half an hour." "Maybe I should wait in Reception." "She'll be here soon, don't panic." "I knew it was a bad idea her staying on out here." "God knows what's happened to her." "Calm down." "She obviously just decided running the Benidorm Palace was too much for her." "Which is hardly surprising for someone whose idea of hard work is having to light her own fags." "Hello again!" "Hola!" "Mmm, have you two come up for air?" "Is this sunbed free?" "No, no, it's..." "It's ours." "Oh, you managed to track Madge down, did you?" "Donald thought it was a bit strange you didn't know she'd moved, but I said to him," ""When I was 1 2, I went back to the wrong school by accident."" "You know, after the summer break." "Yeah." "I ended up staying there, actually, the dinners were much nicer." "Yeah, it's all sorted, it was just a misunderstanding." "Oh, that's good." "We were speaking to Duck Face Dennis in the unisex hairdressers." "He said that when Mel died," "Madge was left with a huge amount of debt, didn't have a penny to her name and was living on benefits in a two-berth caravan." "But I told him, that doesn't sound like the Madge Harvey we know!" "(SIGHS NERVOUSLY)" "Jan." "(MOUTHING)" "Oh, my God!" "You said some of these people here were rough." "I didn't know you meant "sleeping rough"." "Oh, my God!" "It's Madge!" "Who's Madge?" "Madge, you all right?" "Course I'm all right, what do you mean by that?" "Well, nothing, I just meant..." "Where's Mel?" "I have to say the sight of him in his leopardskin thong is one of the few things that keeps bringing me back to this place!" "He died on Christmas Day." "Oh, my God!" "Gavin, your Slim a Soup's getting cold." "Madge, I'm so sorry." "That went well." "You should get a job here, meet and greet, you'd go down a storm." "Madge!" "We were just talking about you!" "Are you all right?" "You look terrible." "That's rich coming from you, isn't it?" "What do you mean?" "Well, look at the pair of you, you're hardly the "fit family"." "You look like you're about to explode." "Donald always carries a bit of excess water in the summer, don't you?" "Oh, yes." "Carrying that amount of water." "I'm surprised the pool's not empty." "Get out of me way." "Maybe see you later?" "Oh, God, Mick." "Oh, Mam, we've been worried sick about you." "Come here." "What's been going on?" "Let me sit down, I'm buggered after that walk." "Come on." "(WHISTLING)" "So it's Matato, not Potato." "Mateo." "Oh, it's a great name." "Is it Spanish?" "This is my bar." "Listen, I don't wanna be stuck behind a bar in the shade in weather like this." "And I don't want to tread on anybody's toes on me first day." "So?" "So why don't you stay here behind the bar." "I'll slip into something a bit more comfortable and just do what I do best." "You're going to slip into what?" "Back in a few minutes." "Okay." "Why do I think I am going to regret this?" "When I got back after Mel's funeral, I tried to sort out all his affairs but, well, it was all one big mess." "I thought the Benidorm Palace was going well." "It was, but Mel had made a few more investments that turned sour." "I think he'd just got a bit too..." "Greedy?" "Ambitious." "It was the credit crunch, Mam, you can't blame yourself." "Property in Dubai lost money overnight." "Helicopter rides over Benidorm never really got off the ground." "And just when I thought things couldn't get any worse, the racehorse Mel bought me committed suicide." "I got rid of the Benidorm Palace, then the villa, that was just rented, thank God." "I didn't lose any money but I didn't make any either." "Oh, can we talk about this later?" "Why didn't you tell us?" "We could have helped." "Uh, the solicitor said to me," ""Madge, you've still got the sunbed shops in the UK." But I told him" "Mel signed them over to Mick." "I'll dig meself out this mess." "Look, he did, but that was when you had everything here." "Mick can sign the shops over to you." "Can't you, Mick?" "Well..." "What would be the point of that?" "She lives in Spain now." "I don't want the shops back." "I can't believe I'm hearing this." "She doesn't want the shops back!" "Are you checking in?" "If you're not, you're going to have to pay for coffee." "Yeah, we're booking her in." "No, you are not, I'm going home." "Look, just calm down." "Calm down?" "This is all your fault." "Hang on a minute," "Mel pissed all his money away on helicopters and suicidal horses and all of a sudden it's all my fault?" "Are you going to pay for that coffee?" "Oh, will you just shut up about the coffee." "Mrs Harvey, how are you going?" "Haven't seen you for months." "Bloody hell, you're looking rough." "What can I get you to drink, pet?" "Right, that's it, I'm off!" "Oh, come on." "Oh, well done, Lesley." "Congratulations!" "Get your arses up." "Mam." "Mam!" "Was it something I said?" "MICK: ...talk about it, all right?" "Such a shame about Mel, dying on Christmas Day." "Oh, it's terrible." "And now she's lost everything?" "That's what we heard." "Her husband dies leaving her thousands in debt while she lives on benefits in a squalid, two-berth caravan." "In saying all that, she does have a lovely figure." "So, Kenneth, first time in Benidorm, how are you finding it?" "I think, um, beguiling's the word that springs to mind." "So, let me get this right, you work with Gavin and Troy and you've come on holiday with Gavin while Troy spends some time with his dad?" "That's right." "But Troy didn't know he had a dad." "He did." "He just never really knew him." "Oh, and now he's dying in hospital." "Oh, I don't know, they're dropping like flies, aren't they?" "How's Troy's son?" "Um, Jamie?" "Yes, Jamie, he's wonderful." "Oh, 'cause you're more or less his mum now, aren't you?" "More or less." "Does that feel strange?" "Sitting here thinking you're somebody's mother?" "Not really, the one thing Benidorm isn't short of is large women with receding hairlines and five o'clock shadows." "Have you got kids?" "Oh, no, we never bothered." "Well, they make so much mess, don't they?" "Very house-proud, my Jacqueline." "Mind you, Donald must have dozens knocking around somewhere." "Oh, no, more in the hundreds." "Donald was made redundant in the late '70s and to make ends meet he started contributing to a local sperm bank." "But you can't make a living doing that." "Depends how often you go." "At my height I was contributing 20 or 30 times a week." "A week?" "What was it they used to call you?" "The One-Armed Bandit." "And I always paid out." "Straight on." "Not that bad in here." "Be all right once they've finished it." "Mick." "Now where?" "Oh, my God!" "What's wrong?" "Oh, my God!" "Mother, what's wrong?" "Mother, are you all right?" "It's gone." "They've taken it." "Madge!" "Madge." "I've been trying to ring you all morning." "Oh, God, it's been mental here." "Oh." "You all right?" "Madge, I don't want you to panic." "I've got some bad news." "What is it?" "Madge..." "I've been trying to ring you." "They've taken your caravan." "I know they've taken me caravan!" "Do you think I'm blind?" "Oh, right, yeah." "Well, here's all the stuff they took out of it." "I told Reg, I said Madge is good for the rent, but he's just gone mental, anyone more than three months in arrears and they're impounding the van." "Black Nigel and Fat Pat are in bits." "Well, first they found out their daughter in Wigan's a lesbian and now they've got nowhere to live." "Oh, it's all wrong." "Who's impounded the caravans?" "Reg the Veg, site manager." "Oh, he's an absolute bastard." "Pardon my French." "Sorry, I'm Lucky Kev." "I've got a double plot on the corner of Glasgow and Newcastle Street." "You must be Mick and Janice." "Oh, God!" "Come on, Mam, don't get upset." "Come on, back to the Solana, we'll get something to eat and think all this through." "Good idea, I'm starving." "Not you, dickhead." "Listen, Madge, that 5 euro you owe me, don't sweat about it, yeah?" "Let's talk about it next week." "I know you've got a lot on your plate right now." "Piss off." "Hey." "(WHISTLING)" "Hey." "I need to speak to you." "Make it quick." "Although I heard you always do." "I need you to give a message to Natalie." "Forget it, she told you when we got here, what happened in the past, stays in the past." "She's not interested in going over very old ground." "Look, I just..." "I just want to be friends, okay?" "I am not trying to get back with Natalie." "I have, how do you say, moved on." "Right, well, I need you to move on just a little bit further, about a metre to your left, before I whack you in the knackers with me boombox." "Gracias." "Hey, you are not going to play that here, this is not an..." "Shove it!" "There you go, son." "Oh." "Oh, thanks, Dad." "Is that the one you fancy?" "No, no, it's her mate I like." "Oh, I was gonna say she'd eat you for breakfast and shit you out before lunch, that one." "(LAUGHING)" "The other one's amazing." "Her name's Natalie." "You really like her?" "Yeah." "Okay, son, leave this to me." "Oh, Dad, don't do anything embarrassing." "Ah, now come on, son, play the game." "When have I ever done anything to embarrass you?" "Gonzo over there wanted to talk to you." "I told him to shove it." "Who's Gonzo?" "Uh, big nose." "(IN MOCK SPANISH ACCENT) Oh, Natalie, I just want to be friends." "Do you mind taking off your clothes and lying down while I give you a friendly..." "He hasn't got a big nose." "God, you still fancy him." "No, I don't fancy him, he just doesn't have a big nose." "Anyway, the way he was leering after you" "I don't think I'm the one who has to worry." "I'd rather shag Benny Hill over there while his wife watched." "From what I've heard she wouldn't just wanna watch." "Two delicious cocktails for two delicious young ladies." "Oh, we didn't order any cocktails." "No, you didn't, but that lovely young man over there sent these over with his compliments." "Anything else you need, you just let me know." "Ah, that was nice." "Yeah, sending over free drinks in an all-inclusive resort." "Generous." "Oh, I wonder what he'll spoil us with next." "Toilet paper in our room?" "Unlimited use of the pool?" "(RUDE BOYPLAYING)" "Hey." "Hey, hey, I told you about this." "Yeah, and I thought I told you what to do and all, didn't I?" "Just turn it off, Sam." "No, I won't." "Oh, what's wrong?" "Are you worried some of the pensioners wake up and spoil the open air mortuary look you've been cultivating?" "You put your greasy digit on that machine and you, my friend, will die." "Um, she means your finger." "It's against the rules." "Is that Rihanna?" "Yeah." "I like her." "Can you turn it up a bit so I can hear it over there." "Yeah, course I can." "Where did your mum and dad go?" "Do you want to sit with us till they get back?" "They said they was going to be 20 minutes, but that was ages ago." "Pull up a chair." "All right, thanks." "What's your name?" "Michael." "I'm Sam, this is Natalie." "Hiya." "Can you dance, Michael?" "Not really." "Well, a bit of street stuff." "Seriously?" "Do you want to throw some moves?" "No." "Oh, come on, let's liven this dump up." "(MORE PUNANNYPLAYING)" "Are you sure you don't wanna dance, Michael?" "No, I'm all right, thanks." "Sam, I think you're making Michael feel uncomfortable." "No, I'm okay." "Right then, you..." "You're making me feel uncomfortable." "Er, excuse me, what's going on?" "Er, I'm enjoying myself, it's called being on holiday." "Whose CD player's that?" "Really?" "Ow!" "Well, unfortunately, when your holiday involves giving my 1 1 -year-old son a lap dance, it's time to stop enjoying yourself." "Get off, you're hurting me!" "(SCREAMS)" "I hope you drown, you dirty slag!" "And you, turn that music off now or else that goes in as well." "Right, shall we sit down?" "Excuse me." "Yeah?" "You don't want a job here, do you?" "Come on, you, move it." "Get there!" "Well, there's certainly never a dull moment here." "I wouldn't mind doing a bit of lap dancing." "Well, we definitely could do with the money." "Two holidays in the last six months has left us pretty broke." "Apparently you need a strong back, that's the key to it." "Well, you pass in that department with flying colours." "You've certainly had a lot of weight on your back in your time." "That's true." "Eighteen down, American slang for courage or determination." "Five letters, ends in U-N-K." "Spunk." "Really?" "Oh, yes." "Spunk?" "Yep." "Oh, isn't it terrible, I mean, kiddies could be reading this or anybody." "Right, first of all, how much do you owe on the ground rent?" "I don't want my caravan back, it's worth nothing." "What about all the stuff inside it?" "There's just clothes in them bags." "What about all your possessions?" "Possessions?" "What possessions?" "I've got nothing." "Do you hear me?" "Nothing!" "All right, all right, calm down." "Oh, you're loving this, aren't you?" "Just look at his face." "What are you talking about?" "I'm trying to help you!" "Yeah, well, it's too little, too late." "Nana, what's happened?" "I'll tell you what's happened, that father of yours has bled me dry." "Whoa, hang on a minute!" "She doesn't mean it, she's in shock." "Mick's trying to help you, Mam." "I just need a couple of days to get me thoughts together, work out what to do next." "I've buried two husbands, raised seven kids." "I don't need anyone's help." "Right, I'm gonna sort this out." "Where are you going?" "I'm off back up to the caravan park and I'm gonna have a word with this fella." "Oh, he's a nasty piece of work." "Yeah?" "Well, he hasn't met me." "Fellow in the caravan up from me wouldn't take his satellite dish down so he broke his legs." "See you when you get back." "Well, are you going or not?" "Tell you what, why don't we leave it until tomorrow give him chance to cool down a bit." "He'll be annoyed about the money I borrowed off him an' all." "How much money?" "Never you mind how much." "I've told you, I can sort this out on me own." "The last thing I need is you poking your nose in." "Madge!" "Madge!" "What the bloody hell does he want?" "Oh, Madge, thank God I've found you..." "I take it Reg hasn't been here?" "What's it got to do with you?" "Well, I saw him earlier on and he were going absolutely mental." "What do you want?" "This is an exclusive resort, now piss off before I get you thrown out." "No, listen, Madge, under no circumstances come back to the park, yeah?" "I spoke to Reg this morning and well," "I had no idea you'd borrowed two grand off him." "Not that it's got anything to do with me, but, two grand plus the money you owed him in ground rent... (WHISTLING) Ay caramba." "He asked me where you were but I said no, no, no way." "I'm not grassing Madge up, not a chance." "Yeah, well, very good, you've done your bit, now off you pop." "I mean he even offered me money, you know, to tell him where you are but I said no." "20 euros, but I said no." "No siree, Bob." "No way, no how." "My loyalty cannot be bought." "Oh, thanks, love." "I mean, technically I'm out of pocket now, you know, 20 euros, but erm..." "You're not asking us for 20 euros, are you?" "Oh, my God, no, no, no!" "Good." "I mean, it would have been easy money, you know, very easy money, if I'd..." "If I had told him where you are, but I didn't." "Cheers." "Reg isn't in Benidorm this afternoon, he's on an anger management course in Alicante." "But look, I will do my very best to make sure he doesn't know where you are." "Here, 20 euros." "Now piss off." "I don't want your money!" "All right." "But if you're gonna insist..." "Thank you very much." "Right, then I'll be off." "But rest assured as long as there is breath in my body" "Reg and his boys have got no chance of finding you here." "Oh, shit, they've found you." "What?" "Who's found us?" "I thought you said Reg was in Alicante?" "He is." "But this isn't Reg the Veg." "It's much worse than that." "It's his wife, Scary Mary." "Well, well, well, the mole has come out of her hole." "Come on, boys." "All right, Janice, get your mother and Michael inside." "She's a black belt in fu yung." "No, not fu yung, what's it called?" "Kung fu." "Or is it karate?" "What's the one where they do wax on, wax off?" "Oh, Jesus, I'm with youse." "Uh, stay here, you!" "Come on, Mam, let's go." "I'm going nowhere." "So this is where you're hiding." "I'm not hiding anywhere." "Can we help you?" "I'm assuming you've got a problem, or does your face always look like that?" "I've come to get something which is well overdue." "I'm sorry, love, we don't do Botox here." "(SNIGGERING) You, lady, owe me money." "No." "Correction." "I owe your husband money." "Well, in my book that amounts to the same thing." "You're not wrong there, you certainly look like him." "What's going on?" "Oh, go away and wipe some tables, will you, love?" "Wipes some tables?" "I'll wipe your bleeding face with the back of me hand." "Hey." "Right." "Listen, love." "It's Mary, isn't it?" "And you are?" "I'm Madge's son-in-law." "Listen, love, can we go somewhere else and talk?" "Lucky Kev here told me all about your little plan." "Now, hang on a minute." "A few quiet days by the pool, eh, Madge?" "Before your family whisk you back to the UK, leaving all your debts in sunny Spain?" "Now, that's not completely true." "I didn't say "whisk"." "You snivelling little squealer." "It's nothing to do with me!" "Look, we'll get your money." "I've heard it all before." "We'll pay you by the end of the week." "This isn't about money any more." "This is about reputations." "Oh, yeah." "And I've heard all about yours." "What's that supposed to mean?" "Scary Mary the Benidorm Bike." "I've heard you've given more rides than a donkey on Blackpool Pleasure Beach, only you don't charge quite as much." "(LAUGHING)" "Listen, lady, just because you're old and in a wheelchair, don't think that'll stop me from giving you a bloody good pasting." "I'll have you know I'm a black belt in karate." "Oh yes, third Dan." "Third Dan?" "You look more like Desperate Dan." "She's not joking, Madge, I've seen her do all the spinning around stuff, she can run up trees." "Oh, bollocks, she couldn't run up a phone bill." "Right, I've tried to be polite, now you, sling your hook." "Or what?" "You'll set Renée and Renato onto us?" "Ah!" "Don't make me laugh!" "Listen, darling, you've been told to go." "So do yourself and the Chuckle Brothers a favour and leave now before somebody gets hurt." "Piss off back to your Pink Windmill, Grotbags, and make sure you don't ladder your tights. (LAUGHS)" "Right. (KARATE YELL)" "(BOTH YELLING)" "Ooh, Mother, what do you think you're doing?" "You're 71 ." "Mick, do something." "What do you want me to do?" "I don't know, stop them." "If you think I'm getting in between your mother and Mad Mary, you've got to be joking." "Scary Mary." "Oh, shut up." "What's this?" "I don't know, it came off your head." "Right, that's it." "Come on!" "(ALL YELLING)" "(SCREAMING)" "No, don't!" "No, no, no, no!" "Get off, you bloody weirdo, I can't breathe." "Oi, you, come here!" "Why don't you come here?" "(YELLING)" "Right." "That does it." "You, lady, are history." "(SCREAMING)" "Nobody, nobody, threatens my mother." "Fucking hell, that hurt!" "I can't swim!" "I can't swim!" "Get that big ugly hairy git out of my pool." "Not him!" "That one!" "(GRUNTING)" "And what the frig am I supposed to do with her?" "You can stuff her and stick her on the bar, for all I care." "Are you all right, Janice?" "Yeah, I'm all right." "Where's our Michael?" "He's here, he's here, don't worry." "Come on, let's get you sat down." "Are you all right, Mam?" "You were brilliant!" "She's out cold." "I'm sorry, Janice, this should have been my problem, not yours." "We're a family, Mam." "If you've got a problem, we've all got a problem." "Now come on, let's have a look at you." "Bloody hell, that were a close one, wasn't it?" "Actually, good job I was here 'cause that could have got out of hand." "Right, I'll probably just get off." "I expect you've got a lot of stuff you need to talk about." "You know, family stuff." "Don't suppose I could get a lift back to the caravan park, could I?" "Come here!" "Come here, you!" "Stop him!" "Stop him!" "Hang on, Madge..." "Stop him!" "I'll string him up by his balls!"