"Okay, Mr Putteridge, I'm just going to carry out a quick internal examination now." "If you'd like to roll yourself over onto your left side." "That's lovely." "My, you're very tense." "I am." "I'm sorry." "Good." "Well, that all seems to be fine." "You know, I think... if you can just relax those muscles for me, Mr Putteridge." "Only I can't quite...." "And just try not to keep clenching up so much." "GIL:" "But the more anxious he grows at the indelicacy of his predicament, the tighter she is trapped, as if in a vice." "It's like it's gone into spasm or something." "GIL:" "No matter how hard she struggles, she is totally unable to extricate herself." "Dear God!" "GIL:" "As we cut to...." "Putteridge, still on the trolley but now draped with a blanket, being wheeled out to an ambulance while the doctor is obliged to scurry alongside, still locked in position and looking distinctly fractious." "From which we mix to...." "A courthouse exterior, day." "Several weeks later." "Where a TVreporter is talking earnestly to camera." "...the judge said Dr Laura Brandywine had been the victim of" ""an unusual, but particularly crude indecent assault"" "in which her patient had forcibly attached a most intimate part of his body to her right index finger in a manner calculated to leave lasting emotional scars." "The award of GBP500,000 in damages he said, "Was designed to show that" ""sexist behaviour in the National Health Service..."" "GIL: "...whether by staff or patients, would not be tolerated under any circumstances. "" "Lloyd!" "How you doing?" "Yeah, good." "Well, you know, just kicking some stuff around that briefly amused me." "An hour from now I'm probably gonna hate it but...." "Thing is..." "I've got this woman downstairs doing some painting in the kitchen." "Because I bought this big old bookcase the other day that kind of needs cleaning up and re-staining and...." "I mean, you know, she's very nice, very conscientious and everything, but what she really wants to be is an actress." "So, you know, I go to the fridge for a beer, I get 20 minutes now on Stanislavsky." "I'm a prisoner in my own office here." "Plus she's doing this play in the evenings which I foolishly said I'd go along and see." "So, you know, it's all distractions here at the moment, I can't focus." "So what are you up to this afternoon 'cause I could really do with a sounding board right now?" "Uh-huh." "No, 2:30 would be perfect." ""The quality of mercy is not strained." ""It droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven," ""Upon the place beneath." ""It is twice blest." ""It blesseth him that gives, and him that takes." ""It is mightiest in the mightiest. " -"It is mightiest in the mightiest."" "Okay then, Deirdre." ""It becomes the throned.... "" "I'm gonna leave you to it, then, if that's okay and shoot off into town." "Oh, right, yes." "Sorry, Mr Raymond, about that." "Just trying to get on top of this audition piece for tomorrow." "I may not need it, but...." "So, what do you think?" "Is it starting to get more of that distressed look you were after?" "Oh, yeah, terrific." "It's really coming along now." "Isn't it?" "Oh, and... do you think you'll be able to make it, then, tomorrow night?" "Curtain up at 7:30." "Obviously, I would so love to get your input as a professional in the business because, I mean, in terms of the motivational energy which may not be coming quite from the centre at the moment...." "Yes, well...." "I guess I could just about make it at a pinch." "So you're playing...." "I'm Estragon and Becky Eldridge is Vladimir." "O...kay." "Great." "Well, I'll look forward to it." "The whole idea sounds inspired." "I mean, the whole idea's insane!" "How can you do an all-female version of Waiting for Godot?" "The whole fabric of the thing, you know, is these two guys rooted to the spot in a meaningless universe." "With two women it'd be, "The bastard's not coming." "Let's go and have lunch."" "Didn't you do a sketch about that once?" "How every different social group now has to put its own spin on the classics?" "Oh!" "Fat Hamlet." "Fat Hamlet." "What, has this thing appeared again tonight?" "I have seen nothing." "Tush, tush, 'twill not appear." "Peace, break thee off." "Look, where it comes again!" "Then I'm gonna have that awful thing afterwards where you have to go back to the dressing room, try and find something nice to say." ""The audience really seemed to be taking it all in," is the one I always use." "It has the sound of a compliment and means bugger all." "Oh, yes." "Very good." "Didn't you say that when you came to see my play?" "Well, that's because they were taking it all in." "Now, before we get started, here's something might perk you up." "I had a call today from Holly Guffman at ICM, who's Pascal Peters' agent." "Pascal Peters as in?" "Yeah, I did a thing with her at the Donmar about seven years ago." "You'll know her face." "I think I've got some pictures here somewhere." "Anyway, she's been in the States for two years apparently, doing all the usual sitcom shit, dopey English girlfriends who talk like George Formby." "When she heard you were developing a new script for us, very keen to be in on the ground floor." "So, according to Holly, if you've got a nice, chunky part for her... she'd love to meet up and toss it around." "Ah, there you go." "What d'you think?" "You must recognise her." "A bit more puppy fat in those days but...." "Plus, she's given me her number here, so you can ring her up direct." "Are you serious?" "And say what?" ""Hello, I'm Gil Raymond." "How'd you like to toss my nice, chunky part around?"" "What is this, Carry On Up the Casting Couch?" "I think you're making all this up." "I swear that's what she said to me, the exact words." "Now, look, I happen to know this young lady has just split up with her boyfriend." "She'll be lonely, Gil, ready for some company." "For just once in your life, try and think positive thoughts." "She'd eat me for breakfast." "See, that's more like it." "Now come here." "No, Lloyd, will you put that down?" "This is lunacy!" "Why would a girl like that be interested in me?" "She's probably into, you know, cocaine and rough sex and game-show hosts." "Pascal?" "Hi, it's Lloyd Drewitt." "I'm good, never been better." "Listen, did Holly get back to you at all about...." "She did?" "Great." "Yeah." "Yeah, yeah." "No, well, he's right here now and dying to speak to you, so hang on," "I'll pass you over." "PASCAL:" "Yes?" "Hello?" "Gil?" "Hello, Pascal?" "Speaking." "Er, how are you?" "Well, that's very kind, I'm...." "No, no, nothing's finalised as yet." "I'm still, you know, sifting all the pieces around in my mind, so...." "No, if you had an idea for a character, that'd be...." "Yeah, of course, I would love to." "Tomorrow would be tricky 'cause I promised to go and see this play, which unless you're a huge fan of Samuel Beckett I would avoid at all...." "Really?" "Well, listen... you may live to regret it, but...." "Okay, fine." "Why don't we meet up outside the theatre about 7:1 5?" "We could have a drink in the bar maybe and...yeah, great." "Hang on, I'll just get the details." "God, the stuff they try and palm you off with now up in photographic!" "I mean, why would anyone want a picture of that on their wall?" "For 1 00 quid!" "Of all the ugly things!" ""Are you proud of your home?" ""Then why not commission one of our special aerial photographs?" ""Taken from a helicopter, in high-resolution...."" "Erm, they're talking about a photo of a house, you do realise?" "Not a photo of an aerial." "Yes, I'm not stupid." "How would it work for me, anyway, if I've got a basement flat?" "You see, they haven't thought it through." "Talking of which, Ali, how's your flat-hunting been going?" "Still no joy at all?" "Don't." "Every time you think you've found the perfect place, there's always that one niggling thing that lets it all down." "It's become almost a game now, looking for it." "And the bedroom is?" "It's like, it's really wearing me down." "If I have to put up with this screeching pain much longer in my head...." "What, like a migraine?" "It's not a migraine exactly." "People say they've got a migraine, don't they?" "When they don't think a headache sounds serious enough." "This is more like a brain tumour." "I think I've convinced myself." "Oh, my God, Ali!" "This'll be the brain tumour you've had ever since you went to bed last Thursday." "And how long is that?" "Four days now." "Just after you'd been watching an episode of ER?" "Okay...." "Which was all about?" "Okay, can we change the subject?" "I'm getting that shooting thing now, behind the eyes." "God, it's dead in here today, isn't it?" "Even for a Monday." "It's 20 past." "We could pack up now and miss the rush." "Oh, 'cause you can't wait, can you?" "For what?" "What's his name?" "Bob?" "This guy you met playing in a folk club." "I mean, how you can bring yourself...." "Because I couldn't if my life depended on it." "What's wrong with him?" "He's very nice." "Of course he's nice, that's not the point." "What, then?" "Oh, Milly, come on." "It's not rocket salad, is it?" "Doesn't he remind you of someone?" "Just a little bit?" "Who?" "Of course, you haven't met him yet, have you?" "Well, now's your chance." "Hi, babe." "How you doing?" "I'm doing very well, thank you." "How's everyone else here today?" "Cleo." "And this is Alice, my boss, I think I mentioned, who works us till we drop." "Alice." "It's a pleasure to meet you." "You're a very genuine person." "I know from what Milly's told me." "And I can see that." "Oh, well...." "And we've heard nice things about you, Bob." "Ten minutes, then?" "I'll see you by the taxi rank." "What?" "What?" "You'll burn in hell, Milly Russell!" "The things you're getting up to with that man." "Is nothing sacred to you?" "He's just been showing me how to play his recorder." "Is that such a...." "That's the gospel truth!" "Oh, what is wrong with her?" "Ali?" "Hello, stranger!" "You remember me?" "Oh, look what the cat dragged in!" "As I live and breathe!" "But look at you!" "My God!" "How long is it, 1 0 years now?" "If it's a day." "My God, that grubby little flat in Camden." "I was thinking about you just the other week actually, clearing some old photos out." "Do you remember that Christmas party when Mr Kennedy put his hand up your skirt?" "I most certainly do!" "Of course, you were wearing it at the time." "I was!" "You're absolutely right!" "Oh, my God, that's right, 'cause that was the night when...." "You and Suzanne know each other I take it?" "Oh, sorry." "Alice Chenery, this is Chas." "Very pleased to meet you, Alice." "We should really be...." "Absolutely." "But listen, you'll have to come for supper and we'll have a big catch-up!" "You know I'm not in retail anymore?" "I'm working as an artist now." "You're joking?" "You couldn't paint a toenail." "My own little studio, if you don't mind." "Doing quite well actually." "But anyway, yes!" "You still on that same number down in Brighton?" "Yes, still trying to tunnel my way out." "I've got about as far as Purley." "I'll give you a...." "Tonight!" "And we'll fix something up!" "Yes, starting with me I hope." "Take care, Suzanne, talk to you then." "So, come on then, what did she mean by that, I'd go straight to hell?" "What is she on about?" "She's got nothing better to do than tease you, Milly, you know what she's...." "What?" "No, it's just...." "Do you know, I do believe... my headache's gone." "Hey!" "How are you?" "This is so fantastic to see you again." "I can't believe it's been that long." "And you're looking amazing." "You don't look a day older!" "Oh, thanks!" "So come in, come in, to my little bachelor-girl apartment." "Oh, now, you see, this would suit me... right down to the ground." "Sorry, it's not for sale." "Not yet a while, anyway." "Thanks." "So you and Chas haven't got any plans then, in that department?" "Er, no, not as such." "And this is a genuine Suzanne Daley?" "Intriguing." "Okay, two years ago, right, I was in Homebase picking out a vinyl emulsion and it just suddenly struck me." "That here was this really interesting statement about graduated tones and colours, right under our nose that no one else had recognised." "And people are buying them?" "Well, because thematically, you see, they just fit straight into any room in the house." "See what I mean?" "Even in the bathroom." "Aren't they great?" "Oh, how are your folks, by the way?" "I meant to ask." "Because I know your father was quite ill, wasn't he, last time we...." "Mum's still ticking over." "I'm afraid my dad died." "About six years ago." "Oh, dear." "Sorry." "Yeah." "'Cause that's just one of the hardest things I found..." "to have to deal with." "Yeah." "There you go." "The pair of them used to run me ragged the whole time I was growing up one way or another, so it's not as if I feel I owe them a damn thing really." "They've had their lives, let me have mine." "That'll be Chas." "You couldn't be an angel?" "Yes." "Let me see to that for you." "Hi." "You wouldn't be Gil by any chance?" "Yes." "Paul Gilpin." "I'm Deirdre's husband." "Hi." "Yeah, I was just gonna drop by, say how much I enjoyed the show." "Really?" "Erm, it's just down here." "Oh, 'cause did you not?" "God, you think that was bad, you should have seen her last year playing Blanche DuBois." "It was a cross between Dolly Parton and Miss Piggy." "This is the third time I've been, I still have to watch through my fingers." "Well, the audience seemed to be taking it all in." "As an actress...she's very good at painting cupboards." "She's not that great at that." "But what do you do when it's the only thing she lives for?" "Kill someone's dreams?" "How we doing in there?" "I've got you Mr Raymond, come for a quick word." "DEIRDRE:" "Just one second." "Hello!" "Thank you for coming." "Come on in." "Hello." "Hello." "Thank you so much for coming." "So how were we?" "Was it okay out there for you?" "You were splendid." "How's the foot?" "That cream must have worked." "You were hardly limping at all tonight." "And thank you, what can I say, so much for coming." "Did you enjoy it?" "Oh...." "Hey, I mean, listen, well done." "You know, 'cause... that is not an easy play, let's face it." "Really?" "Are you sure?" "Thank you." "Let me just see if my co-star is about." "Becky, it's Paul and Gil Raymond both out here." "Oh." "Ooh...." "Sorry, are you not quite...." "My apologies." "So anyway, Gil, what was your verdict?" "On the central conceit of making them both women?" "Well, it's always worth seeing a brand new approach to something." "You see?" "He got it." "Immediately." "That means more to me than what some stupid twerp on the local paper thinks any day of the week." "Do you know what my subtext is throughout the whole thing?" "Two lonely hearts waiting for Mr Right." "Which I think works, don't you?" "Okay, who's going for a drink?" "COMMENTATOR ON TV:" "Hestrie Cloete now, she's got this competition wrapped up, she wants two metres...." "Now, why don't you two squeeze yourselves round there?" "'Cause the hard chair will be better for my back." "There." "Aw!" "Yes, so, as I say, Gil, if you want to come again, you know we're on right up till Saturday." "Does he look like a masochist?" "Stop putting yourself down." "Honestly." "She's got no confidence, that one." "I don't know why." "No, because you were very good." "You know, you put truth above technique, which is always...." "I just stand there and say the lines." "I'm not in Deirdre's league." "But, you see, you've just got to set your sights higher." "I mean, you don't want to be working in a greengrocer's all your life, do you?" "Well, you know what?" "There's not a day goes by when I'm sitting there at home killing myself trying to please some dumb-ass TV critic and I don't wish I was out there on a market stall." "Just weighing the carrots and the Jersey potatoes." "Fabulous." "Because, you know, the smell of those places is like heaven to me." "You've got apples and peaches." "Those sweet little tomatoes on the vine." "And the grapefruit." "I absolutely adore." "The grapefruit!" "Well, yes, I suppose unless you are prepared to commit yourself 1 01 % ." "Like dossing under a railway bridge for two nights?" "I thought this would come up." "Method acting." "Before she could play a tramp, she had to find out what it was like." "What's the word?" "Empathise with the character." "Yes, and it was very valuable." "You came home with dog puke in your hair and someone had nicked your wedding ring." "Doesn't understand, you see, the process." "And do you know what this part is that she's going up for tomorrow in this new teledrama?" "Naked corpse found floating in river." "I'll tell you, I'm not letting you have a bath tonight." "Yes, I had a thought about this." "Now, tell me what you think." "If, when they fish her out of the water, and see if you get the reference...." "Battleship Potemkin, right?" "And then who was that woman?" "What did she do, put a dummy in the bed or something so her boyfriend wouldn't notice she was out all night?" "Oh, God, Marilyn Slater!" "You remember that story?" "Oh!" "Stuck that mannequin from the shop window in her bed." "With her nightdress on!" "Went off with this bloke from head office and when she got back the next morning, her fella's only still lying there fast asleep with his arm round the dummy!" "Huge great smile on his face and the nightdress is on the floor!" "We all just died!" "Actually, she told me afterwards, she completely made that up." "Trust you, Ali, to spoil a good story." "Anyway, it doesn't sound as if you've been setting the world alight much in that department." "What have you taken Holy Orders or something?" "Well, you know." "I've had a few dodgy encounters just lately, which I know is all part of it." "You're never going to find the right one till you've found all the wrong ones but...." "The rate I'm going, by the time we meet, I think a love life will be out of the question." "Because I certainly won't be able to take solids any more." "Of any kind." "Stop it." "You know, life is complicated, even when you start out with the best intentions." "It doesn't matter how much you try and control a relationship, it always ends up controlling you." "And that can be wonderful." "And difficult at the same time." "Hmm." "Right." "So, do I get the feeling there's another woman involved here?" "Somewhere." "Keep going." "Not just any other woman." "What Chas is trying to find a way not to tell you is that he's married to my mother." "Oh, holy shit!" "Erm, as it were." "Which, personally, I couldn't give a stuff about 'cause that's just the way it is, you know." "So tough!" "I mean, things evolve between people." "We'd love it to be all neat and perfect, but...." "It's more sort of messy and horrible." "What's deeply inconvenient, of course, is that she is worth a bob or two." "And I imagine if she found out there was any hanky-panky...." "Extramarital, semi-incestuous hanky-panky." "That would be my inheritance down the Swanee." "And yours as well, sadly, so...." "But now!" "Talking about all of which, this will amuse you... as a lover of words, which I know you always were." "It's her birthday this week, so...." "Have a look at this, what I've written in her card." ""Always so angelic, Mother," ""unfailingly modest, yet of unquenchable spirit," ""utterly, constantly kind."" "Very nice." "Yeah, but it's an acrostic, look!" "Remember?" "You taught me about them." "If you take the first letter from each word, A-S-A-M-U...." "Go on, see what it spells out." "As a mum... you suck." "You're evil." "Yes, but that's the bit you like the best." "I just thought!" "You know who might be a good bet for Ali is Garth." "What do you reckon?" "Garth?" "What is he, an American wrestler?" "He's an artist." "Very good one, and very successful." "In fact, I'm going round to see his new collection tomorrow night, you should come along." "'Cause, hey, listen, we have got to get you sorted out." "You're kidding!" "You performed that play in a prison?" "My God." "You think they all got the existentialist undertow?" "They were actually a very attentive audience." "And you even got a few fan letters afterwards." "I did." "In fact, there's one young chap in there, Rufus, now writes to me on a regular basis, so...." "I suppose, at least you feel you are bringing a little bit of culture into people's lives." "Excuse me interrupting." "It is Gil Raymond." "I thought so." "You don't remember me." "Ye...." "Erm...." "Colin Dewhurst." "I used to clean your windows." "Oh, yeah." "How are you?" "I'm all right, as it happens, thank you." "So you're still writing the comedy shows, then?" "For TV?" "Yeah, still scribbling away." "Because that was a funny one last year, wasn't it?" "The one about the window cleaner who was a complete dickhead." "Oh, yeah, but no way was that based on any one person...." "Oh, really?" "So how come you put in all those personal references to me, then?" "Personal references?" "How did that line go?" ""Oh, I'll give my right bollock now for a pint of beer."" "I really don't know what you're talking about." "Oh, you don't know?" "Well, I had a malignant testicle removed." "You knew nothing about that, I suppose?" "No!" "I did not." "You think cancer's funny, do you?" "Absolutely not!" "If you knew how terrifying that is to me." "Just the word." "Look, I'll make a donation or something." "Whatever, 'cause...." "Okay, well... if you want to do something to help, you could start with our fundraiser this week 'cause...." "Your fundraiser?" "Our fundraiser for Testes Awareness." "If you could get one of your celebrity friends to come along and perform for us or something." "Billy Connolly or someone." "You are winding us up?" "She just sat down and went?" "With you standing there?" "Talk about staring into the eye of a storm." "And just kept right on talking, she didn't miss a beat." "I suppose men do it in front of each other." "Men do a lot of strange things in lavatories." "Some of them involving bluebottles." "God, I couldn't even watch myself." "If I go into a bathroom with mirrors, I have to keep my eyes closed." "How do you see where you're going?" "You think I'm going to take a wrong turning halfway through and end up in a plant pot?" "That's not the point." "The point is what it said about her attitude to me." "It's like she's re-attached herself to me now in that awful way as part of the sisterhood." "And she thinks I'm going to see the whole world the way she sees it." "When the truth of it is...." "I don't know, she just seems to have turned into this really horrible person" "I just can't relate to anymore." "Maybe you never knew her as well as you thought you did." "Maybe I didn't." "And now she's trying to fix me up with this artist friend of hers which, as usual, I was completely unable to say no to, so...." "WOMAN:" "Excuse me?" "ALI:" "Hello!" "Nice to see you again." "What kind of things with bluebottles?" "No, I tried him, he's out of the country." "Yeah, I tried her as well." "I've tried everyone." "No, okay then, Griff." "Thanks anyway." "Bye for now." "Oh, God." "Why did he have to tell me all that stuff?" "Testes Awareness, is that a joke?" "Who's not aware?" "Now I gotta keep checking down there every five minutes." "It's become an obsession." "Billy Connolly." "Is he kidding?" "They'll be lucky to get Bernie Clifton." "Is he the one with the ostrich?" "Sorry?" "Oh, hi." "So, how did it all go?" "The audition you went to for this new TV drama?" "Yes!" "Very well, I think, actually." "Of course, she doesn't ever get to speak, this woman." "Naked corpse found in river." "But there is quite a history to the character that comes out during the programme, which I did my best to communicate." "Basically, I just had to lie down on the floor, face up and then face down, while they went all round me with a little camcorder, shooting me from every angle." "And that was it really." "And then I just put all my clothes back on and they said they'd let me know." "Uh-huh." "So now we keep our fingers crossed." "Anyway, thanks again for the show last night." "It was nice meeting Paul." "He seems like a regular guy." "Well, do you know what, Gil?" "I'm actually going to be very frank with you now when I say this." "But when my career is up and running, I'm afraid I don't see Paul there at my side." "Because, you see, basically I know he doesn't respect what I do." "He respects me, but not what I do." "And so, I mean, how could that ever work?" "It couldn't." "Of course, I can't just leave him, obviously." "That would be cruel, but... what I can do is sow some seeds and hope they'll grow." "Right." "Do I follow that?" "I don't think I do." "Well, you know who I think would be perfect for him is Becky." "Lovely Becky who you met." "I actually don't think they'd take that much coaxing to get together." "I can just very subtly keep nudging them along." "Like putting two giant pandas in a cage and hoping they mate." "I suppose a little bit like that, but...." "Let's leave it, I think." "'Cause if that's my ex-window cleaner...." "I'm sorry, I have no news for you yet." "Hi, this is Gil Raymond." "Please leave a message after the tone." "Yes, this is a message for Gil." "It's Pascal Peters." "Gil, I'm so sorry about last night." "Actually, it was the weirdest thing happened to me, right at the last minute, which I'll tell you all about when I see you." "If you still want to see me." "I'm praying that you do." "I've spoken to Lloyd." "He said why don't we all meet up tonight for a meal?" "I think he wants to bring someone as well." "Anyway, please give me a ring and tell me I'm forgiven." "Hope to speak to you soon." "Lots of love." "Bye." "Wow!" "Pascal Peters." "Was that really her?" "My God, you've got to call her back." "Immediately!" "And Garth." "I want you to meet Alice, who is one of my oldest friends." "I'm not that old." "Alice, how are you?" "I'm feeling very old." "And is Chas not with you tonight?" "Couldn't make it I'm afraid, no." "Of course, on Friday the dreaded woman comes back from Italy." "So we're probably just gonna have a day to ourselves." "Tomorrow in the garden, or something, and just chill out, whatever." "Erm...." "Actually I just need to pop to the loo." "I'll be back in a second." "So..." "I don't know what to say." "I mean, you must be heartbroken." "Was this all your work?" "It's terrible!" "What happened?" "Someone just broke into the gallery, presumably, and...." "Oh, no." "No, this is my work." "This is how it's meant to look." "I deliberately place defaced art in front of the viewer to help them question their attitude towards it." "Generally speaking, we all rush to the defence of something that's been vandalised." "I hope we do, anyway." "This way you get people to notice things that they'd otherwise just walk straight past." "So you're sort of playing devil's advocate in a way to try and stimulate their interest?" "That's exactly it." "Did you read that in my notes?" "Notes?" "It doesn't sound as if you need them, but...." "So, you and Suzanne were together in Harrods, is that right?" "Well, she was together, I was never that together." "Usually more falling apart at the seams." "I mean, she's great." "Oh, absolutely." "She's great, but... between you and me, I don't care much for the way she treats certain people." "Her poor mother, for instance, would be devastated if she knew what she gets up to." "Or maybe I'm just out of step with what's acceptable these days." "Oh, God, I'm so glad to hear someone else say that." "You start to worry you're turning into Mary Poppins." "It's like you can be copulating with your best friend's donkey now and no one turns a hair." "This is very rude of me..." "I haven't offered you a drink." "Just saw your friend out there, driving past." "Mr Raymond." "Oh, really?" "I don't suppose he said anything about coming back again?" "I shouldn't think so with Pascal Peters drooling all over him." "Be enough to keep any man busy." "You know who I mean?" "She is a walking sex machine." "I don't know, I just think it's got to be one of the great lifestyles to just get up every morning and spend all your time being really creative." "And getting paid for it." "I know." "I have to keep reminding myself how very lucky I am." "You could be working down a mine." "Just crawling about in the dark all day in the bowels of the earth." "Can you imagine what a nightmare that would be?" "Dead canaries everywhere." "Well, not for me really because potholing and caving are a bit of a passion of mine." "Give me a torch and a hard hat, I'm down there." "Actually, it's great fun." "You should try it." "God, I'd have to kill myself." "I can barely travel on the Tube." "Well, that's another story." "Okay, as you two have completely ignored me all evening," "I think I'm gonna shoot off now so...." "Go on, then, bugger off with you." "And you can give me a ring in the morning." "Maybe, I'll see." "Yeah, okay, then." "Bye." "Bye." "Bye." "So, have you got to be anywhere special?" "Or can I get you another coffee?" "Okay, petal, no problem, yes." "Actually he's just walked in, so...." "No, no, I'm sure he'll understand." "Yeah, I'll give him a big wet one on the lips from you." "Okay." "You take care then." "Bye." "Don't tell me." "She's had to get on a plane to New Mexico." "Someone's dropped out of a car commercial." "They should have been wearing a seatbelt." "What's she going to do?" "It's 20 grand to cock her leg over a bonnet and she'll ring you the minute she gets back." "Yeah?" "Well, I'm starting to wonder now if she's ever gonna...." "Is that...." "That can't be who I think it is." "you were bringing Angie O'Hara tonight?" "I would never have come!" "Well, why not?" "She's delightful company, a very sexy lady still." "Did you ever see her in that bank-caper movie in the '80s where she did this striptease to Honky Tonk Women?" "I not only saw it, I had the video!" "And that's the very reason I could never go near the woman." "Because of what happened at the very tender age I was then." "Not once but many times I have to say when I watched her in that scene." "Because, you know, it was very erotic." "Are we talking about...." "Hell, Lloyd, you're asking me to sit and have dinner with her?" "She's gonna know!" "How will she know?" "Well, I'll know and that's just as bad." "How do I get into these situations?" "No, I don't think I ever did see that film." "When was that?" "Oh, er..." "July or August sometime, I think." "Yes, because we went to see it on Cleo's birthday at the Odeon Marble Arch." "Right, 'cause I spent most of last summer in the Florida Keys." "Really?" "I bet that was nice." "Yeah, a few of us rented a boat." "We took it all the way up to the Panhandle then right round the Gulf." "Caught some incredible snapper." "And I tell you, the diving...." "A friend of mine got hold of a submersible which takes you down 400 fathoms, absolutely pitch black, and enough pressure to crush a man's skull." "It was amazing." "The stuff you see down there." "I mean, if you ever get the chance...." "So what do you do, anyway, in your leisure time?" "Do you manage to get away much?" "Well...it's been a while, I've got to say." "I suppose I've never been one for travelling very far on my own." "I always think unless you've got someone to share it with...." "I know what you mean." "But funnily enough, some of the best times for me have been when I just decided to take off and just head for the Skagerrak or somewhere, and do a bit of climbing." "You know, when you're dug in, up there on the rock face in a force nine gale, that is such a primal rush." "You're not worrying about anything except, "Will I get out of this alive?"" "Excuse me." "Jamie!" "Sorry we missed each other." "Just wanted to check we were still on for Friday." "Yeah." "I thought we could just throw the mountain bikes in the car and be down in Exmoor by about 1 0:00." "Okay, why don't you check with Jill and get back to me?" "Okay." "Bye." "I think I may have done something stupid with my right shoulder." "Scuba diving in the Sahara?" "Sorry?" "No, I think it might've been from starting the lawnmower." "Oh, right." "Actually, Garth, I think it's probably time I was going." "So, Gil, what are you up to at the moment?" "I was just adjusting my napkin." "Oh, did you...." "Well, I'm still struggling to write something for this Love Soup project Lloyd's putting together, which...." "Actually, there's material for a whole plot in this woman I've got painting my cupboard... who's living in this tragic Norma Desmond fantasy world." "Except I'm very wary now about basing things on real people 'cause... they just turn up in pubs later on and humiliate me." "Incidentally, you didn't come up with any names for me there, I suppose?" "Well, you know, it's very short notice." "Have you checked out Bernie Clifton at all?" "Oh, er, yes, Angie, Gil was saying earlier how much he loved what you did with Honky Tonk Women." "Strewth!" "You must have been about 1 0." "Thereabouts, but I'm sure you hate being reminded of all that." "Not one bit." "I'll take all the compliments that are going." "At my age they don't come along that often." "So what's wrong with milking it I say." "There you go, straight from Angie O'Hara." "There's nothing wrong with milking it." "It's good to milk it." "So milk away." "I tell a lie." "I had an email from a guy a couple of weeks ago about that film, asking me if my breasts were real." "I wrote back saying my breasts were real, but the rest of me was false." "He put "To Angie O'Plasty" 'cause I nearly gave him a heart attack." "Are you serious?" "People out there have got your email address?" "God, I'm an email junkie." "I mean, I love it." "The way you can just fire off a message now." "You just tap it in and press a key and it's gone." "It's fab!" "Yeah, except, speed isn't everything of course." "How do you mean?" "I don't know, it's all misspellings and bad grammar." "No one seems to check anything anymore." "Everything's the first thing that comes into your mind." "There's no time to think." "Well, I suppose that depends how slow your brain is." "You look at the way my two sons use it, their minds are just racing the whole time." "Faster than they can type." "The ground they cover is incredible." "Well, I just see all that sloppiness now." "Everywhere." "I mean, what's a "1 0% service change"?" "I suppose words are your business." "While, of course, mine's all about ideas." "And how to communicate on a more intuitive level so...." "Or maybe you're just not quite ready for the 21 st century, Gil." "Maybe that's it." "So once you pointed that out about him, well, that was it, wasn't it?" "There was no way I could do it anymore." "Play his recorder?" "You know." "Why did you have to tell me that?" "We were getting on fine until then." "And then when we were in the restaurant, he broke open that bread roll...." "I knew I'd got no chance and it was never gonna work." "Oh, Milly." "So that was it, then?" "Your last supper together." "I'm sorry!" "I'm sorry!" "That was unfair." "God, you two!" "I can't leave this counter for a minute, can I?" "Whoo!" "I know I said tomorrow but I suddenly had some free time." "Wondered if I could just finish off the varnishing this morning instead?" "Right." "Well, actually Deirdre, now's not the best moment 'cause Pascal just flew back in from the States last night, and in a rash moment I said I'd cook us some spaghetti puttanesca." "Which could be the worst decision of my life because now my battery's dead and I'm running really late and I've still gotta vacuum the house, and scrub the toilet, and shower and shave." "It's gonna be a bloodbath." "God." "Well, you're going to need some help, then, by the sound of it." "Come on, jump in." "I'll give you a hand." "They're so pretty." "I know." "Aren't they divine?" "Really lovely." "Oh, here she is." "Long time no see." "Mum, I don't know if you remember Ali at all from absolutely way back?" "My mother, Eileen." "I do, indeed!" "And gosh, you're not looking a day older, Alice." "How are you?" "God, you can come back again." "Thank you." "And where's it you've been, Italy?" "Did it go well?" "She brought me back these lovely white diamond earrings, aren't they sweet?" "And you won't have met my second husband, of course." "Charles." "Actually, yes." "We have met." "I can't remember when, but I'm sure I've seen you at the counter before, haven't I?" "Probably buying something nice for your wife." "Anyway, I'm sorry it didn't work out with Garth." "I gather he was a bit too gung-ho in the end." "Well, yes." "I thought it best to wait till I've got my bungee-jumping certificate...." "Oh, no!" "What is it?" "Oh, God, no!" "I think the stone's just come out somehow." "Where on earth's that gone?" "No." "Oh, dear...." "Oh...." "CHARLES:" "Right." "Right...." "Okay, don't panic." "Look, it'll be in here somewhere." "We just need to sort it all out very carefully." "Is there somewhere else we could go to?" "Erm, yes, probably the stockroom, perhaps?" "Okay, well...." "No, I'm sure it'll be there, don't worry." "I've got to pop off and collect something upstairs so..." "I'll see you back here in half an hour." "God, I'll feel terrible if we can't find it." "Don't feel terrible, it's here." "Look, we've got a bit of a crisis actually and we need your help." "Come on, don't just stand there, get your trousers down." "You know, I really appreciate this." "Hm, that smells very good." "Absolutely no problem." "Now, what time's she arriving, the lovely Pascal?" "I would say just about any second." "So I better make myself scarce." "Obviously, I've not put your pasta on, you'll have to sort that out." "Make sure it's nice and al dente." "Oh, that's mine." "My God, it's them!" "It's the production company." "This'll be about my screen test." "Hello?" "Yes!" "Deirdre Gilpin speaking." "Okay." "Right." "I do now see the problem." "I suppose if you are going to end up naked together on the lawn in blazing hot sunshine, this is always going to be a risk." "I wasn't even aware I was resting it there." "I mean, we were just both so zonked out afterwards." "I think we just fell asleep for the best part of an hour." "And didn't even notice this, did we, till we were going to bed the other night." "And she's not had a chance to see it as yet?" "She only got off the plane this morning." "But you've got all kinds of creams and stuff here, right?" "For fake tans and...." "I mean, there must be something in this room." "No, no, not at all." "That's...." "No, thank you for letting me know." "Hm-mm." "Okay, bye." "Hey, look." "That's one part, there'll be others." "It's the part of a corpse!" "She doesn't even speak or move!" "I can't even do that!" "I can't even play a woman who's dead!" "Well, that's, you know, ridiculous." "Of course you can, I mean...." "You know, you're...." "Where is she?" "Sorry." "Who exactly are you...." "Hey, excuse me?" "Deirdre." "Deirdre Gilpin?" "I'm Rufus Parry." "You come did that play for us in the prison." "Then wrote me all those letters?" "Rufus!" "Rufus, yes!" "And this is my good friend Gil, who's...." "Gosh, I had no idea you were even out and about now." "I got out this morning." "And you were the first person I had to come and see." "Really!" "Well, that's...." "Really?" "I thought maybe you could put me up because obviously they are going be looking for me now." "So you haven't actually been released then, as such?" "When I'm doing 20 for armed robbery?" "Get real." "No, it's like, till you come along, inside or outside, my life was a sack of shit." "Either way, you know?" "Well, what a nice thing to say." "So, yeah, I knocked off this Honda in Willesden and headed straight out to your place." "Got there just as you're driving off as it happens." "So then I followed you down here, lost you for a bit in the village till I saw your car again outside and...." "Do you know, ever since you sent me this..." "I kept it under my pillow every night." ""To Rufus, with huge love and a million kisses."" "I kept it under my pillow so when I went to sleep I'd dream about you." "See, 'cause I knew...when I saw you on that stage, you had something special." "And you were going to be really special to me one day because...." "What are those?" "Sorry?" "You don't wear glasses." "Well, in my photographs not usually, but...." "You weren't wearing them in the play." "Yes, I was actually, if you think about it." "Whoa, whoa, whoa." "No, no." "What you telling me?" "You were the one with the glasses?" "But you were crap!" "Hey, I think you're being a little unkind...." "She was rubbish!" "Even I could see!" "A complete embarrassment next to the other girl." "Oi!" "What do you think you're doing, you little prick?" "You trying to shop me, yeah?" "You trying to turn me in?" "I'll take your bleeding head off!" "No, please don't!" "Please let him go, Rufus!" "The quality of mercy is not strained It droppeth as the gentle rain...." "Shut your bloody row up, you gormless cow!" "This is the pits." "Nine months!" "And I thought I was writing to the...." "God!" "How sad am I?" "Ah, shit!" "Well, as a piece of invisible mending, that's as good as you'll get." "But I'd hang on to these, for a couple of weeks, for any repair work." "Ali, you are a star turn, what can we say?" "I owe you one." "Well, let's not go that far." "I mean..." "You've definitely saved my bacon." "Oh, good." "That makes me feel so much better." "Success!" "I should get it remounted if I were you." "Save that happening again." "Remounted?" "Sorry, who are we talking about now exactly?" "I was just saying, that earring she thought...." "What the hell was that for...." "I can't believe I've been so blind all this time!" "Don't either of you ever dare to turn up on my doorstep again!" "Ever!" "That "thing" she had to collect upstairs." "She said could she leave it with us and perhaps we could bin it for her." "Or better still, burn it." "Yes!" "♪ Considering" "♪ So many folk dissatisfied with everything" "♪ Who need someone to understand they're lonely" "♪ They're lonely" "♪And they're not alone" "♪And everywhere" "♪ They shrug their shoulders Tell themselves they don't care" "♪And all the while they make believe they're happy" "♪ They're happy" "♪ But not really" "♪And they're asked to hold the world together... ♪" "GIL:" "Why is it so hard always to give up on the one you love?" "But we all have to do it sometime or other." "And just face the fact it's not going to happen." "And that goes for all kinds of stuff, not just people." "How much is she in love with the idea of becoming this big, successful actress and yet sooner or later, she's going to have to let go and just settle for what she's got." "♪ ...confusion of going nowhere ♪" "GIL:" "And actresses, don't imagine they're always the greatest role models." "I mean, if anyone had told me a night out with Angie O'Hara could be such a turn-off!" "But, you know, beyond the killer bosom and all the stockings and underwear..." "God, she would drive you nuts." "No, I'm definitely thinking there is more sanity to be had in a greengrocer's." "♪ ...where you are is where you've been so many years" "♪And things that tend to change you Tend to hurt you" "♪ They hurt you Very deeply" "♪And still you try to hold the world together" "♪ Make it happen Give it children" "♪ Who in turn are turning on to" "♪ Going nowhere ♪" "ALICE:" "I suppose it's too easy to say people are like properties." "That just when you think this could be the perfect partner, there's always that one crucial flaw you know you could never live with." "Which is a bit of a game in itself, I suppose." "Smart, clean and well-appointed... but with alarming cracks in ceiling." "Many attractive features... but not enough time left on the lease." "Bright, with fresh modern aspect..." "Hey, Michael!" "How you doing?" "but problem with noise pollution." "Or sometimes it's just a case of being way out of your range." "Of course, you must never be put off by the décor, that's very important because... a little bit of sprucing up, that can be easily fixed." "GIL:" "I guess that was a nice twist in the end." "She spends all that time working on my cupboards and I get the distressed look." "And there you were, running around like a blue-assed fly when you just knew all the time Pascal was never going to turn up for that lunch 'cause that would have ruined the whole nihilistic subtext." "I don't even remember now what the excuse was." "Did Godot have an excuse?" "I don't think so, he just sends a message saying he'll be there tomorrow." "And how does it all end?" "One of the tramps says, "Shall we go?"" "And the other one says, "Yes, let's go. "" "And the script says, "They do not move. "" "ALICE:" "Maybe it's time I faced the fact, it's me that's the problem." "I mean, why can't I just be like Suzanne?" "I'd have absolutely no worries." ""Shallow, adulterous ingrate seeks similar. " I'd be spoilt for choice." "Possibly." "Swear I'm getting that brain tumour back again."