"( ringing )" "( grunts )" " This is the Chief." " Hello, Chief." "This is Max." "Max, talk fast." "I'm on the hydrant phone at 7th and Wilson." "Things are kind of busy here." "Where are you?" "I'm in front of Spiegle's Jewelry Store." "I thought I'd take a few hours off and see if I could shop around and find an engagement ring for 99." "Keep your eyes open while you're shopping." "KAOS has been hitting all the jewelry stores in the area." " They're stealing diamonds." " What do they want with diamonds?" "They smuggle them out of the country to make up the European payroll." "We believe this to be the work" "I'm going to murder Shleppenheimer for inventing this hydrant phone." "Max, this could be the work of the League of Bald-Headed Men." "That's KAOS's smuggling unit." "They're clever and ingenious." "There's nothing they can't accomplish." "How come they can't grow hair?" "They don't want to grow hair!" "That's their trademark." "That's how they identify each other." "All right, Chief." "I'll keep my eyes open." "In the meantime, you pick up Yul Brynner and Dean Rusk." "Just because somebody's bald doesn't mean he's a member of the League." "Oh." "Pick 'em up anyway." "If they're clean, we'll let 'em go." "I have to hang up now, Max." "There's a collie coming." "Bye, Chief." "But-- but I'm-- I'm telling you the truth." " I don't have the Morris Diamond." " You lie." "We know the diamond was delivered here yesterday." " Now give us the diamond." " Please." "That diamond is worth $275,000!" "We are well aware of its value." "Look, business has been terrible." "Say, you men aren't interested in buying it, are you?" " ( gun clicks )" " I didn't think so." "Winters, a customer." "Wait on him and get rid of him fast." "We'll be watching you through that curtain." "One false move, you'll both die." "Sommers, come." "( thuds )" " Good afternoon." " Can I help you?" "Yes, I'm looking for a diamond engagement ring for my fiancée." " Money is no object." " What price did you have in mind?" "$80." "I think we can find something nice for $80." "Here, I'm sure you'll see something in this case" "That will interest you." "All those diamonds are for $80?" "Now these two aren't bad, but actually I was looking for something a little more ostentatious." "I just happen to have something I think you might like." "I can let you have this for $80." "What else have you got?" "Mister, take it." "You're getting a good buy." " I can't get it off." " Good." "I mean-- take the ring." "I guarantee your fiancée will love it." "Well, all right, I'll take it, but I really wanted something bigger." " How much was that?" " $80." "$80 is a lot of money." "( whispers ) Call me later and let me know how your fiancée likes it." "Okay." "All right, let's get on with it." " Where's the Morris Diamond?" " Someplace where you'll never find it." "Sommers, we'll take him in the back and you'll attend to him." "Then we'll ransack the store and find the diamond." "Mr. Spiegle?" " Yes?" " Oh." "If my girlfriend doesn't like this, I can exchange it, right?" "Right." "Mr. Spiegle?" " Yes?" " If there's nothing else she likes," " I can get my money back, right?" " Right." " Winters:" "Right!" " Sommers:" "Right!" "Do me a favor-- before he comes back, shoot me." "( theme music playing )" "Oh, Max." "It's the most beautiful ring I've ever seen." " Thank you." " Thank you." " May I see it again?" " Sure." "Oh, isn't it lovely?" " When can I wear it?" " As soon as I get it off my finger, 99." "I've been trying to get it off for hours." "Look how swollen my finger is." "Oh." "Cold water will take that swelling right down, Max." " Come on." " 99, why don't we just wait until the swelling goes down?" "This really works." "I always do this when I get a ring stuck on my finger." "But, 99, I'm telling you, this is not going to work!" " Why do you think so?" " Because the ring is on my other hand." "Oh, sorry." " It's stuck, Max." " I know it's stuck, 99." "Come on." "There's a hammer over there in the top of my desk drawer." "Oh, it's locked." "Where do you keep the key?" "I keep them right here in this urn." "Isn't it in there?" "Yes, they're in there, but I can't get my hand out." "Max, what are we going to do?" "We have theater tickets and the show starts in an hour." "I just hope it isn't a good show." " Why?" " I won't be able to applaud." "What in the world are you trying to do, 99?" "We have to break the urn so we can get the keys and open the drawer and get the hammer and tap that off your other hand!" "Break the urn?" "Are you crazy?" "I wouldn't break that urn!" "That's a family heirloom!" " Max, don't be unreasonable." " I'm not being unreasonable." "This urn is worth a lot of money!" "This is absolutely ridiculous!" "If we don't get this urn off, you're not gonna get your hand" "I am not going to argue with you, and that is" "Here are the keys, 99." " Where's the hammer, Max?" " Hmm?" "Oh, must be in the other drawer." "Oh." "There, now try the ring." "It still won't come off, 99." "Oh, Max, there must be something we can do!" "There is no way, 99." "I have tried every way in the world to get this ring off." "There is no way that I haven't tried!" " Did you try soap?" " Huh?" "There's some soap in my handbag." "You keep soap in your pocketbook?" "It looks like soap and it feels like soap, but actually it's a camouflage for a secret carrying case." " What do you keep in the carrying case?" " Soap." "Now we'll just lubricate the ring and it should slide right off." "Okay, you brace yourself in that chair and I'll pull." " Ready?" " Ready." " One..." " Two..." "Three!" "( gasps )" " Max!" " Look, I've got a great idea, 99." " What?" " Why don't I just keep this ring" " and buy you another one?" " Oh no, Max." "I want my engagement ring." "All right, we'll try once more." "Here, you get over there now." "I'll brace myself against the door." "All righty?" "And we'll count to three." " Right." " Both:" "Ready?" "One, two" " Almost got it!" " Both:" "Three!" "Got it, Max!" " I got it." " Good work, 99!" "You'll get a bonus for this!" "Where'd you get it?" " Max gave it to me." " Then he'll get the bonus." " Where'd he get it?" " He bought it." "It's my engagement ring." " Max bought you that diamond?" " Uh-huh." " Diamond?" " Yeah." "But I thought it was a zircon." "Oh, that's ridiculous, Chief." "If this were a diamond, it would be worth a great deal of money." "Well, it is." "It's the Morris Diamond." "It's worth $275,000." " $275,000?" " Right." "Oh, that sweet guy." "I don't like the looks of this, 99." "In the past six months, several of our CONTROL agents have been paid off by KAOS for turning over government secrets." "Oh, Chief, you know Max would never do anything like that." "Of course not, 99, but where would Max get $275,000?" "Well, he always manages to put away a few dollars out of his salary every week." "99, on his salary, he could never save that much money." "Unless-- unless a rich relative died and left him an inheritance." "No, there's only his mother." "He sends her $15 a month." "Well, that's it!" "His mother's been saving up that money until she accumulated 27" "That's the worst reason yet." "I don't like the looks of this, 99." "Don't show that ring to anybody until we get to the bottom of this." "I don't care what anyone says and I don't know where Max got this ring, but I do know one thing:" "Max would never sell out to KAOS ." " And I agree with you 100% !" " Good!" " Then that means he must've stolen it!" " Right!" "Oh, Chief... ( knocks on door )" "Oh, hi, 99." "What's up, Chief?" "Max, we came about the engagement ring that you... bought." " What about it?" " It's worth $275,000." "$275,000 and I got it for $80?" "Boy, I got some buy!" "Max, did you actually buy that ring?" "Are you kidding, Chief?" "I stole it!" "Max, don't say another word until we get a lawyer." "What are you talking about?" "What would we need with a lawyer?" "We're only engaged." "You don't see a lawyer until you've been married for a while." "No, Max, you don't understand." "There are some people who might think that you really did steal that ring." "But that's ridiculous, 99!" "I bought this ring at Spiegle's Jewelry Store." "I didn't even want to buy the ring." "Mr. Spiegle insisted." "And then I gave him the $80" "Do you expect me to believe that Mr. Spiegle sold you a $275,000 diamond ring for $80?" "!" " Tax included." " Max, show him the receipt." "Right, the receipt, 9-- uh, the receipt." "Yes, well, he forgot to give me one." "Well, you can ask Mr. Spiegle himself." "I think we'd better do just that." "Okay, we'll go there now." "It's Spiegle's Jewelry Store, right around the corner from Spiegle's Drugstore, next to Spiegle's Delicatessen, where Spiegle's Cleaners used to be." " And where's that?" " 4th and Spiegle." "Where could he have hidden the diamond?" "Keep searching." "The couriers are making the pickup tonight and KAOS insists the Morris Diamond be in tonight's shipment." "( knocking )" "It's that fool that was here yesterday." "I'll get rid of him." "I'll cover you from the back room." "Sorry, but we are closed for inventory." "I'd like to see Mr. Spiegle." "Mr. Spiegle is no longer here." "We bought the store from him." "Yes well, I bought this ring from Mr. Spiegle yesterday and he forgot to give me a receipt for it." " A receipt?" " Yes, a receipt for $80" " to prove that I bought it here." " Yes, I remember you now." "I was in the back of the store at the time and happened to see you through the curtain as you were paying Mr. Spiegle." "Thank you for being honest enough to return it." " I'm returning it?" " Winters:" "Yes." "You see, Mr. Spiegle has done this before, selling valuable jewels for far less than their value." "I believe he was going through some sort of a breakdown." "Well, you've cleared up some questions for us." "Thank you." "In view of the recent rash of robberies," "I suggest you keep a valuable gem like that in a safer place." "I intend to." "Goodbye." "I have it." "I'll start the car, you gag Spiegle." " What's the matter, Chief?" " He seemed anxious to get rid of us." "I have a feeling there's something wrong here." "You're right, Chief, he forgot to give me back my $80!" "Hello?" "Hello!" "Anybody here?" "Hello?" "Hello?" "Wait a minute!" "Both those men were bald." "Now I remember them!" "Winters and Sommers!" "The League of Bald-Headed Men!" "I'll go after 'em." "You and 99 go around the front" " and block off the alley." " Right, Max." "Don't go away, Spiegle." "When I come back I want to see some engagement rings." "Hurry, Sommers, hurry!" "Max!" "Max, are you all right?" " Yes, I'm fine, 99." " They got away with the Morris Diamond!" "If we don't find them, do you know what that'll mean?" "You bet your sweet life I do." "I'll be out $80." "( trash can rattling )" " ( sighs )" " Oh, Max." " I'm fine, 99." " I'm so glad you weren't hurt, Max, the way he bowled you over with that trash can." "Wait a minute, 99." "You're right!" "He didn't throw that trash can at me!" "He bowled it at me!" "His form, his stance, the way he followed through-- he handled that trash can like a bowling ball!" "That means one of the men we're looking for spends a lot of time bowling." "I'll have our best men check out the bowling alleys." "But it'll take all week to cover every alley in town." "Not necessarily." "After all, how many expert bowlers are bald-headed and bowl left-handed?" "You're right, Chief." "Now all we have to do is look for a bald-headed man who bowls left-handed with an ashcan." "Come on, 99." "Now you see, 99, that one had just a little too much hook on it," " otherwise it would have been a strike." " I see." " May I try one now?" " Yes, but remember to follow through." "How was that?" "Well, you'll get the hang of it sooner or later, 99." "Max, how much longer do we have to stake out this place?" "It's getting late." "Yes, well, I know, but we've checked out every other bowling alley in town that has a left-headed, bald-handed, uh... bald-handed, left-headed-- a ball-headed, left-- a man with a hand." "It is getting late, isn't it?" "Why don't we check with Agent 81/2?" "He's staked out here." "Good idea." " 81/2, are you there?" " Hi, 86, 99." " How are you, 81/2?" " How am I?" "Terrible!" "I keep forgetting to duck every time the ball is returning." "I've got a bump on the back of my head the size of a bowling ball." "Wait a minute." "That is a bowling ball." "Excuse me." "Do you have anything to report, 81/2?" "Yes, the manager tells me there's a man who bowls here that fits the description of your man almost perfectly-- same height, same weight and he's left-handed." " There's only one thing wrong." " What's that?" "He's got a full head of hair." "But the man we're looking for is bald-headed." "Well, I said "almost perfectly."" " ( ball thuds )" " Excuse me." "All right, we'll check him out anyway." " Is he here?" " Not yet... yet." " He comes here at 9:00 every night." " It's almost 9:00 now." "I hope he's not gonna be late." "86, I'd like to get out of here." "It's Wednesday night, you know?" "What's so important about Wednesday night?" "It's my bowling night." "Smart, that must be him." "The manager said when he showed up he'd give him lane number one!" "He does look a lot like Sommers, Max." "Yes, except for the hair." "Come on, 99." "We'd better keep bowling before they get suspicious." "Max, look." "Should I do the same thing those other bowlers are doing just before they throw their balls?" " What's that?" " They put their fingers in the ball, then take them out, scratch their heads and put their fingers back in the ball again." " They do?" " Watch them." "See?" "And each of the men in the next four lanes is doing exactly the same thing before they bowl their balls." "Well, either they're very superstitious, or they're allergic to something in the bowling ball." "Max, look." "We'd better stop staring at him." "If he is Sommers, he's gonna get suspicious." "Right, 99." "We'd better keep bowling." "Sommers is in lane number one." "KAOS sent word that he is to personally take the Morris Diamond through." "Attend to it." "I beg your pardon, uh, I believe you have my ball." "Oh, sorry about that." "99, he acted very strange," " almost like he recognized me." " ( gasps ) Max!" "It's the Morris Diamond." "It must've been in the bowling ball." "99, that's how KAOS is getting out the stolen diamonds!" "That may be how they're getting the diamonds to their couriers, but how do they get them out of the country?" "I'll take that ring." "I'm afraid not, Sommers." "Because, you see, at this very moment" "CONTROL Agent 81/2 has you covered." "Okay, drop that gun." "Pepe, Sommers is in trouble." "Quick, put a ball in the return chute for lane number three!" " ( ball thuds )" " Smart." "I forgot to duck again." "No, shooting will attract the police." "Sommers:" "Stop him!" "Stop him!" "( gasps )" " Max, we're surrounded!" " I know that, 99." "Let's go!" "Everybody stay right where you are!" "This is a government raid!" " Larrabee, see that nobody leaves." " Right, Chief." "Max, 99, where are you?" "Max:" "Right over here, Chief!" "Oh, Chief, are we glad to see you." "When we couldn't reach 81/2, we knew something was wrong." "Here you are, Chief-- the Morris Diamond." " Where'd you get it, Max?" " It was in the bowling ball." "That's the way KAOS got the diamonds to their couriers who then smuggled them out of the country." "But how?" "We've had all the docks and airports covered." "Everyone was thoroughly searched!" "It was really quite simple, Chief." "Larrabee, bring 'em in!" "All right, men, off with your hair!" "See, Chief, that's how they got them through customs!" "They hid them under their toupees!" "Max, how did you know that?" "You see, 99, when I saw Sommers lift his hand to his head the way the other bowlers did," "I figured that if Sommers was wearing a toupee, then the other bowlers were wearing toupees too." " Absolutely brilliant." " Thank you, Chief." "Not you, Max." "I mean the way they smuggled the diamonds." "Come on, 99." "I think now is as good a time as any to pick out your engagement ring." " Ready to do a little shopping?" " Oh." " See anything you like?" " No, not yet." "( theme music playing )"