"Guess what?" "I did it." "I did the deed." "Yes, ex..." "yes, with a girl." "Why would I be lying to you?" "No, honestly." "It was awesome." "It sure seemed like it took a long time." "I don't know, about, maybe, 2 1/2 minutes or so." "Yeah." "Oh, yeah." "It was... it was wicked." "So, anyway, so, here it is." "I have a girlfriend." "Lies, lies, lies." "Ok, well, um, get him to call me, 'cause I would also like to tell him about this." "All right." "See you." "Bye." "What are you looking at me like that for?" "You don't have a girlfriend, steven." "You slept with a girl." "Big difference." "Yeah, but it's different, 'cause, like, we kind of share a bond, you know?" "It was awesome, 'cause we both lost our virginity together." "You lost your virginity, steven." "She didn't lose a damn thing." "And if you don't get with her again soon, it'll be like it never happened." "Have you made a move?" "Oh, um, in that case, I'm all set." "Trust me." "I made a move." "In a big way." "Look." "He left this for me." "Oh, that's really cute!" "Steven's adorable." "What's the big deal?" "Rachel, I have a boyfriend!" "Yeah, like a hundred miles away." "Lizzie, that is why we're here, to experience life." "To cheat?" "You said you had an open relationship during college." "No, come on." "Do not become one of those roommates that's always crying about her boyfriend." "I..." "I cannot live with that." "A teddy bear?" "That's not a move, steven." "It's time to be an adult." "Right." "If you don't do it again now, it's gonna be like it never happened." "I have to do it, like, right away?" "I'd do it today." "I'd do it now, if I were you." "Well, I can't do it now." "I've got principles of macroeconomics." "Well, do it after that, then." "Ok." "Right after class." "I'll..." "That's good." "I'll do it." "Dude, I'm so excited for class." "Man, I, like, didn't even, like, sleep last night, you know." "I hear, like, the teachers in college are, like, so cool, and, like, teachers in high school suck, right?" "And that's why I didn't, like, learn anything, you know?" "Man, I'm so psyched." "Aren't you?" "Uh, yeah, I guess." "Dude, we're here to learn." "That's why where here, you know?" "And I love learning!" "I' m a sponge!" "From the outset, kennedy was obsessed with his anti-communism policies." "But he made a critical mistake with the bay of pigs." "# Livin' off the clock # # hey, you # # somethin's wrong with daddy # # what's the matter with him?" "# # he stands up, puts the newspaper down # # foot up, forehead, face in a frown # # goin' upstairs to hit the sack # # yeah, daddy gets grumpy # # got to take a nap #" "# yeah, daddy, take a nap, take a nap, take a nap # # daddy, take a nap # # whoa, whoa, daddy # # daddy got to go and take a nap #" "# take a nap # # all right, it's nap time #" "# oh, takin' a snooze #" "Marshall nesbitt." "# Whoo, hoo #" "Hey..." "What is wrong with you people?" "Do you think you're gonna be able to succeed in this world without knowledge of history?" "Those who forget the past are doomed to repeat it." "So, I'll repeat the bay of pigs?" "All right, fun time is over for today." "Mr. Nesbitt..." "I'd like a word with you." "So... so they can actually turn a shampoo bottle into a bong?" "Yeah, you can make a bong out of anything." "A shampoo bottle, an apple..." "An apple?" "You're so smart." "Listen, maybe, um, if you have time, we can go into my room and work on the time capsule or... yeah." "Hey, lucien." "Yeah, hey, guys." "I wanted you guys to meet hillary." "Um, she's the head r.A." "Hey, hillary, this is... lloyd." "Right?" "Yeah." "Yeah, hi." "I've heard a lot about you." "Really?" "Hi there." "I'm ron." "Hey, lloyd, um..." "I was thinking that maybe this transition is kind of difficult for you." "You know?" "You've come from such a faraway place." "So, if you ever need anything, I'm in room 10-16, top floor." "'Cause we like it on top." "It's just a motto that I came up with, and we're making sweatshirts." "It's gonna be really cool when they come back from the printers, so..." "Anyway, um, you know..." "Listen, if you ever want to talk or do whatever..." "Just come by." "My door is always open." "I might do that." "Thanks." "Sure." "Ron." "Yeah, uh, nice..." "To see you." "Man, I don't believe it." "The head r.A. Wants to nail you." "I know." "Look, don't do it, ok?" "If she turns on you, she can use her powers to destroy us both." "She was super cute." "She's nuts." "She's nuts." "I like that." "Hey, idiot, don't dip your pen in the... ow!" "Hey, tough guys!" "No fighting in the hall, or I'll write you guys up." "I'm just kidding." "So, this is your room." "Oh, hey, steven." "Hey." "Uh." "Um..." "I gotta say that the other night in my room was, uh, it was pretty fun." "Hello, lizzie." "I love you." "Hey, cool." "Who's that, your brother, or... no." "That's my boyfriend." "Oh, uh..." "Well, I..." "I..." "Ok, you have a boyfriend." "Yeah, that's him." "Eric." "That's..." "I'm sorry." "I..." "Eric and I have been going out since I was in tenth grade, but now that I'm in college, you know, we agreed to explore." "Yeah." "So..." "Yeah, well, wow." "Well, you see... that's so healthy." "Really, you know, 'cause you don't want to tie yourself down." "But I love him..." "Right." "And if he and I are truly in love, then fooling around with you or anyone else won't matter." "When I'm lecturing, I expect you to listen." "This is not a high school." "You're paying good money for an education." "Well, yeah." "That's the whole point." "I am paying good money, and I think you should try to be a little less boring." "Excuse me?" "What?" "No." "No, no." "Please tell me." "You think I'm boring?" "No, I don't think you're boring." "I just..." "You just seem bored, you know, like you're bored." "You're right." "I am bored." "Well..." "Why are you..." "why are you so bored?" "I don't know, I..." "I..." "I just don't like the kids anymore." "Really?" "Kids used to care about history and politics." "Maybe I should quit." "No, no, no, no." "Don't quit." "No, just don't be so boring." "Well, how?" "I don't know." "You could put on some kind of a show." "Yeah, the apartment looks good." "I know." "It's great." "I'm so glad your mom is divorcing me." "Uh, dad, uh..." "You know, it took me 2 hours to decorate this place." "I went to that, uh, swedish place and, uh, "beyond the bathroom."" "It took your mother a year to do the house." "I mean, what was she doing all that time?" "Um, do you want to get back to what I was talking about for a second?" "Just don't do it, steven, ok?" "Look, she said that now that she's away at college, they've both agreed to explore, and, like, that..." "that includes me." "Then let her date magellan..." "Vasco da gama." "But I like this girl." "Steven, women are crazy." "You don't want to enter into a situation that makes them even crazier." "Now, pardon me, but look at your mother." "She seemed completely sane at the beginning." "Now, this chick you like, I mean, she's... she's already starting at halfway nuts." "Thanks, dad." "Where you goin'?" "Where are you... ok, ignore the voice of experience." "All women are crazy." "That's why I don't have any friends that are girls, because they're crazy." "Don't say that, 'cause some girls are really great." "You are gonna be in hell." "M-maybe you like hell, right?" "Oh, a-actually, guys, be quiet, 'cause she's actually..." "here she comes." "I've lived with her for one day, and I can already tell she's crazy." "Have you seen her screen saver?" "It's a picture of her boyfriend's head." "And one day, it's gonna be a picture of steven's head." "I..." "I think it could be my head." "Yeah." "But she cheated on her boyfriend the first day." "Can you imagine what she'd do to you?" "Ok." "She's actually coming right now, so..." "Hey, guys." "Oh, hi." "Hey." "Hey." "Hey." "Heh heh." "Oh, you know, they're showing, uh, american pie on campus tonight." "Did you, you know, want to go?" "Oh, yeah." "I never actually saw it." "Yeah, sure." "I mean, I guess." "All right." "I'll see you guys back at the dorm." "Ok." "Bye." "See ya." "Oh, my god." "This is so great." "She so likes you." "I actually have seen american pie." "It's like my favorite movie yeah, man." "See?" "See, love works out in the end." "Ha ha ha." "Hey, I know what you kids are sayin'." ""Am I in the right classroom?" ""Who's that new prof in the fancy duds?" "Is it ricky martin?"" "No, it's just me." "But you kids are in luck today because today, old doc duggan is gonna make history..." "Come alive." "[Impersonating john f." "Kennedy] Uh, I am, uh, john f." "Kennedy, the president, and I don't like communism very much." "Isn't that right, bobby?" "[Impersonating robert kennedy] Oh, that is right, john." "It's a good idea to kill castro." "Try to kill me, eh?" "Well, two can play at this game." "Operator, get me, uh, moscow, russia." "Mr. Nikita khrushchev." "[Impersonating khrushchev] Nyet!" "Nyet!" "Nyet!" "We gave the election to his brother, and now he comes after us?" "I'm so mad, I could kill the president." "Oh!" "The president's been shot!" "Who was it?" "I guess we'll have to ask lee harvey oswald." "Oh, there's my friend jack ruby." "Hi, jack." "Oof!" "Ah!" "Ooh, gaah!" "I'm just a patsy..." "And the story ends..." "Or does it?" "All women are fair game until they're married..." "Most of them even after that." "We have to do it tonight." "Tonight's the night, ok?" "Right." "I'm kinda nervous." "Well, don't be nervous, you know?" "Don't give your power away." "There's nothing women like less than a scared little boy." "Right." "Um, so, like, do you ever get scared?" "No, steven." "I don't ever get scared." "Do you know why I don't ever get scared?" "W-why?" "Because women don't like it." "Now, go make me proud." "Yeah, ok." "I will." "Don't you want to sit a little closer?" "Uh..." "Well, I mean, personally I like the back just, you know, 'cause it's a bit, like, more private, you know?" "Oh." "Ok." "Yeah." "I can't believe they're showing american pie for free." "Oh, I know." "I mean, college is so awesome." "And the movie's rated "r."" "Hey, I hear tara reid is single." "Think I've got a chance?" "Heh heh heh heh." "Not my type." "Hey, lloyd." "Hey." "You're a drama student, right?" "I was wondering if you could help me with something." "Yeah, I'd love to." "The r.A.S, we have this retreat where we do all this role-playing, you know, to help us get ready for kids and their problems, and I thought you were such a, uh, brilliant thespian that you wouldn't mind helping me with it." "Ok." "Great." "We can't." "Yeah, we..." "we gotta go." "Remember?" "We... we can't." "No, ron." "I would like to help." "I enjoy helping others." "Hey." "Uh..." "I just, uh, wanted to say that, um, that thing, uh, the other night was, uh, kind of, uh..." "I'm sorry." "Hold that thought." "Whassup?" "Whassup!" "Hey, baby doll." "Hey." "Guess who just bench-pressed 215 pounds!" "Was it you?" "Aw, you're damn right it was me." "My ex-stepdad taped it." "He had the tripod sent up perfect." "It was awesome." "Can I call you later?" "Well, I thought we were gonna have a little phone sex." "Uh, now's not really a good time." "Well, it's a good time for me, I'll tell you that right now." "I'm feeling pretty ready, frankly." "Yeah." "That's a big surprise." "Oh." "Oh, here we go." "I will play the inexperienced r.A." "And you're gonna play jennie." "Jennie." "Yeah, she's a young girl who's been hitting the bong too hard, and she's just about to get kicked out of school." "You know, we could do something else instead." "You know, jennie, why don't we solve your problems, ok?" "Let's get serious." "This is your life." "Ok, um..." "Ok, whenever you're ready, start." "Uh, hi." "I'm jennie." "Mm-hmm." "Um..." "I've been hitting the bong too hard, and I'm about to get kicked out of school." "Wow, that's probably really scary, huh?" "It's a little bit scary." "I'm wearing my sexy underwear." "And I'm holding that picture of you wearing that hat." "Oh, eric, please." "Now's just not a good time." "Well, what..." "what is a good time?" "You know what?" "What?" "When you graduate college?" "Is that a good time?" "How about I wait until then?" "How about I wait until you graduate college, till I'm blue all over my body?" "Will that make you happy?" "You wanna have a blue boyfriend?" "Eric, can you not be like this right now?" "Not... not be like what?" "That guy over there brought a pie with a hole in it." "You know, for like, american pie kind of thing." "What?" "Yeah, you know what?" "If I get into some cool college," "I wouldn't want to call me, either." "It's not that I don't want to talk to you." "I'm just telling you it's not a good time." "Well, it's not a good time for me, because sabrina the teenage witch is on, and I guess she'll have to do!" "I'm sorry." "Oh, hey..." "Hey..." "Do you know that one of the guys in this movie was in election?" "Is there a bathroom around here?" "Uh, I think there's one in, uh, science center "c."" "Ok." "I'm sorry, hellbug." "I just miss you so much." "Hello?" "Oh, god." "Lucien." "My... my roommate's been asleep for 2 days now." "What?" "That... that's bad, right?" "My... my god, man." "W-where is he?" "Where is he?" "He's this way." "Come on." "He's this way." "2 days in a row?" "This is eric." "This is her boyfriend." "This is also her boyfriend." "This is a predicament of sorts, isn't it?" "Don't joke around with me, man." "Put lizzie on the phone." "I'm not in the mood." "Well, I can't right now, because she's getting ready to marry me on my big boat." "Listen, what are you talking about, man?" "Put lizzie on the phone!" "Don't joke around with me." "I need to talk to her." "Yes, hello." "This is lizzie speaking." "I just got married, uh, and I'm much happier." "What?" "Who is this?" "Shut up, man." "You are not lizzie." "Ah, is this..." "is this, ah, eric?" "Eric, look, I'm sorry." "Put lizzie on the phone." "I'm sick of it, man." "I've had enough." "I just need closure, man." "Why can't you give me closure?" "I think that now that I've come to college," "I can possibly see other people." "Is this insane?" "I don't think so." "What are you doing?" "You better shut up, man, or I'm gonna van damme your head off." "Eric?" "Who the hell was that jackass?" "Nobody." "Just some idiot from my floor." "God." "Can we have phone sex now?" "Ok, who's ready for some american pie?" "!" "Now, I want you to just look directly in my eyes, and I want you to see your own beautiful self in my eyes, ok?" "Ok." "What do you see?" "Jennie?" "And what's jennie?" "Um..." "Beautiful?" "Beautiful." "Jennie's beautiful." "She is." "Jennie's beautiful." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Yeah." "You know what, hillary?" "I... we can't do this." "Why?" "Um..." "Because I have herpes." "So what?" "I do, too." "Everybody does." "Yeah, I know, but, um, you know what?" "I..." "I just..." "you're an r.A. I'm a student." "I... what if someone was to see?" "I don't..." "I'll..." "I'll go fast like a man." "Just give it." "No, wait..." "just give it to me." "No, wait!" "Won't even know I'm there." "Oh, god!" "Hillary." "Oh, my god." "He's awake." "Hey." "Hey, lucien." "Hey." "Oh, you guys, man." "I gotta keep my eyes on you guys." "Tryin' to burn me." "Sleepin' for 2 days." "Hey, lucien." "Um..." "I was just, uh, I was looking' for you." "We should..." "we should, uh, get workin' on the time capsule." "No, great, great, no." "'Cause I just got my hands on a really cool britney spears poster and some pokémon to put in it." "Ok, great, great." "It'll really define our generation and stuff." "If I find one more of these in your room, your ass'll be in a sling." "2 days." "Ha." "That's great, lloyd." "She took my apple." "And now we're on her radar." "Why... why..." "why did you do this?" "I guess I'm just a very mixed-up little girl, ron." "Um, I'm sorry..." "About acting all weird and stuff." "Look, it's just that" "I was kind of..." "And this is not an excuse, but..." "I was..." "Kinda surprised by the whole boyfriend thing, you know?" "Um..." "And it made me kinda crazy." "I know." "I'm sorry." "Oh, no." "No, don't be sorry." "No." "Um..." "Look, I..." "I..." "I..." "I had a lot of fun with you, you know?" "And I guess I just didn't want it to end." "I..." "I really like you a lot." "And, um..." "I think that I consider myself lucky to be your friend." "You know?" "So..." "It'll be good." "# Tuesday's gone # # with the wind #" "# oh, my baby's gone # # with the wind # # again # what the hell?" "I was at work today, and I thought of the coolest idea." "I'm gonna start my own internet." "It's awesome." "I'll tell you why." "Because first of all, the regular internet is too crowded, and second, my internet will be for people who might not have computers." "And we'll mail you your e-mail through your regular mail." "Eric, I don't think it works that way." "Oh, you know so much about the internet?" "I'm sorry." "You know, you're right." "Don't listen to me." "No, you know what?" "You probably are right." "Because you're so smart." "I'm so stupid I probably can't even keep a phone from hanging up!"