"Hey, what are you guys doing here?" "It's a bad time." "Can't come in." "Thank you." "You are going to be so happy to see us." "We have good news." "My immigration papers came in." "All I have to do to get my citizenship is pass a little test, and then you can divorce me." "You are going to love being divorced from him." "Oh, you're going to miss being married to her." "Hey, then, then I can marry New Christine." "Maybe that'll make her happy." "This pregnancy's been rough." "She's mad at me all the time." "I can't do anything right." "It was different with you." "You started out that way." "Oh, oh-- she's coming." "I didn't hear anything." "You never do until it's too late." "Don't look her in the eye and make yourself look big." "Why didn't you tell me we had company?" "I..." "Why do we have company?" "Damn you, Richard!" "What are you all looking at?" "Uh, nothing." "No, you look good." "Like a young Marlon Brando." "What are you laughing at, Richard?" "I didn't laugh." "She laughed." "Not at you." "I was laughing because Richard's hands were shaking." "That's okay, Barb." "I guess it is kind of funny." "Kind of." "Shut it!" "I have to marry her." "Not if I get to her first." "Please tell me how soon we can make this happen." "I take the test on Friday." "As soon as I pass it, then it'll take about two months to finalize the divorce." "Two months?" "I can't wait two months." "She's just going to be stronger and scarier." "Well, why don't you just have the wedding now and then you can make it official after the paperwork's been finalized?" "Yeah!" "We can do it this weekend." "We could surprise her." "She loves surprises." "Except the one where I got her pregnant." "Oh, maybe I'll call her dad and see if he'll come walk her down the aisle." "Um, uh... uh..." "Uh, P-Pa-Papa Jeff?" "Will you be okay with seeing him?" "I know he broke your heart at our first wedding." "No, it would be nice to have him here." "Well, that's big of you." "Wait for it." "I can show him how great I look and rub his face in it." "There you go." "What?" "I'm in a good place right now." "I have a boyfriend." "He's a doctor." "Oh, that's going to kill Papa Jeff." "Maybe I'll go to the hair salon and get my hair and my makeup all done." "Oh-ho-ho, that is really going to kill Papa Jeff." "Hey, maybe you could take New Christine to the salon with you." "Get her dolled up and out of the house so Matthew and I can decorate." "What?" "Why woulyou just assume I'm going to want to help you decorate?" "All right, fine, I'll see if I know someone at the flower mart." "Fine, I do know someone at the flower mart." "♪The New Adventures of Old Christine 5x18 ♪ Revenge Makeover Original Air Date on April 14, 2010" "I don't understand what we're doing here." "I told you, it's a day of beauty." "You know, the only thing that made me feel better when I was pregnant with Ritchie was getting pampered." "Uh, that and doing this." "Get up." "Get up." "It works." "Um, hi." "We have an 11:00." "The name is Christine Campbell." "You're 15 minutes late." "Yeah, well, uh, this one here moves a little slow." "She has to pee every ten minutes, which makes me have to pee." "Oh, shoot." "Wish I hadn't said "pee."" "Well, I can probably take you and your daughter in about an hour if you want to wait." "Hey, I'm not her mother." "Well, you're too young to be her grandmother." "Oh, thank you." "Look, um, this is a really important day." "Um, I fooled around with her father only to find out that he had a fiancée, and I'm about to see him again." "So I really am going to need to look fantastic, because today is the day that I get my revenge." "I have three revenge makeovers ahead of you." "What's taking so long?" "Oh, God, she says we have to wait." "Do I look like I can wait?" "You listen to me, Hannah Montana, you are going to take us both right now." "I am eight months pregnant, going on nine months in a bad mood." "And I am right on the edge, sister." "Right on the edge!" "Let me move some things around for you." "You know what?" "Um, don't take this the wrong way, but I have never been more turned on by you." "What do you think?" "This looks like a wedding, right?" "I'm not going to sugarcoat this." "Compared to your last wedding, this one is going to blow." "Hard." "But you know what?" "Let's focus on what you do have." "You have each other, bagels..." "Yeah, that's pretty much it." "You know what she was most disappointed about?" "Her fiancé?" "Well, yeah." "That and missing the first dance." "That was going to be a good dance." "Of course it was." "You choreographed it." "We spent three hours a day for nine weeks working on that dance." "Do you remember it?" "Of course not." "I'm a guy." "You know what?" "Let me see if I do." "Put one hand on my hip the other, on my back." "Stand up straight." "Five, six, seven, eight." "And one-and-two and watch your feet and shoulders back and eyes on me and dip." "I saw the silhouette through the window." "I was really hoping it wasn't this." "Oh, I felt it." "Now feel mine." "Ooh, I felt it." "Huh?" "Well, I guess we're done." "Thanks." "Excuse me?" "Can you tell somebody that, uh, I dinged, too?" "Does anybody know where Marcie is?" "Hello?" "I dinged." "Ooh, something smells like fried chicken." "Okay, Ms. Baran, I'm going to ask you a hundred questions about the United States." "Okay, give, give-- give me a minute." "I'm a little nervous." "Now, what was the question again?" "That wasn't a question." "We haven't started the test yet." "Are you okay?" "True." "No, false." "I'm, I'm sorry." "I'm not a good test-taker." "Well, at home I am." "I watch Jeopardy and I'm like," ""Who is Jane Goodall""" "But when the pressure's on, it all just flies out of my head." "Especially when something's important to me." "I think you'll be fine." "You've lived in America for over 20 years." "Most of this stuff is just common sense." "Just take a deep breath." "Now let it go." "Oh." "Thank you." "Okay." "Question one." "What are the three branches of government?" "I keep thinking "Wynken, Blynken, and Nod."" "I know that can't be right." "Oh, so close." "I'll tell you what." "Why don't you take the practice book outside and give it another look?" "Come back in whenever you're ready." "I'm not in any hurry to get home." "I hate my wife." "Okay, darling?" "Good luck to you." "When did this timer go off?" "Oh, uh, I don't know." "About a half hour ago." "Why didn't you say something?" "Oh, well, I tried to tell someone because it was really burning." "But then the pain went away when my head went numb." "And then I got sucked into this article." "Hey, let me ask you something." "Do you think that I should take it personally that when I met Tiger Woods, he was nothing but a perfect gentleman?" "Oh." "What?" "What "oh"?" "Is, is it okay?" "Well..." "let me be honest with you." "Ohh!" "I am so glad you're here." "I thought maybe you were still mad because I ruined the last wedding." "How could I possibly still be mad about that when there's so much new stuff to be mad about?" "Like you faking a vasectomy and knocking up my daughter." "Okay, can I be honest with you?" "I didn't think she would find out." "I'm going to kill you." "I'm sorry, okay?" "I love your daughter and I plan on making her an honest woman." "I'm glad you're here to help us celebrate." "Can I talk to you guy-to-guy?" "You try to have a wedding, I'm going to kick your ass." "Hey, just so we're clear, you're only going to kick his ass, right?" "Because I'm just the choreographer." "Oh, oh..." "Oh..." "It's okay." "It's not so bad." "I'm just crying because I'm pregnant." "There's really no reason to panic." "I'm going to go get some help." "Help!" "We need help!" "Oh, my God, Christine?" "Oh, my..." "What happened to you?" "I-I-I..." "I don't know." "Th-The timer went off and nobody came and I thought it was all right, because they know what they're doing." "And, and, oh, the fried chicken was me." "Okay, it's okay." "We're going to fix this." "Do you think you can make me pretty again?" "When were you pretty?" "Okay, Maria, open up chair six and get me a bleach gown and a stack of towels, stat!" "Okay, yeah, we're going to have to do an orange-neutralizing avy highlight." "We need a bleach with 20 volume and a ten-one-one-five volume for five minutes." "All right, let's go." "What?" "What?" "Where are we going?" "The Situation Room." "Come on, hustle, come on." "Move!" "Move!" "How is she?" "Is she going to be okay?" "Well, uh, we did all we could, but she still smells like chicken." "All right, come on out." "Let's see how you look." "I feel ridiculous." "They made you into one of them." "You're welcome." "No problem." "I mean, what did you do to me?" "Why do I have to wear your clothes?" "Because, Christine, the disaster didn't stop at your hair." "But, but I don't look anything like myself." "You're welcome." "No problem." "Look, Christine, you've spent 60 years being yourself." "I mean, being blonde is going to open up a whole new world for you." "When I met Lindsay, she had brown hair just like you and her life was in ruins just like you." "Mm-hmm." "Yeah, it's true, Christine." "Back then, I was on my way to completing my doctoral dissertation in Women's Studies at Vassar." "But then, I met Marly at a shoe sale and look at me now." "I'm pretty!" "Well, I don't care." "I want you to change it back to the way it was." "Christine, we can't." "You can't process it again Unh-uh." "for two weeks, or all your hair's going to fall out." "I feel like I should be married to a Trump." "You're welcome." "No problem." "Hey." "Put down that bagel." "That's for the wedding." "Didn't you hear me?" "There's not going to be any wedding." "Okay, I'm a grown man, and your daughter is a grown woman." "I don't think you can stop us from getting married." "Can he?" "I don't know." "Any guy who can eat that many carbs and keep a figure like that can probably do anything he wants." "Wow, I've got to get a girlfriend." "This is ridiculous." "I'm marrying your daughter today." "Put down the bagel." "Why don't you take the bagel?" "Oh, come on." "We're not doing this, are...?" "Okay." "Now I'm getting mad." "What are you going to do about it?" "Oh, are you looking for a fight, because if you are-- oh, oh, oh!" "Oh, this is already better than the last wedding." "Oh, my God." "What's going on?" "NEW CHRISTINE:" "Daddy?" "What are you doing here?" "Why are you beating up Richard?" "Okay, I was planning a surprise wedding for you." "There were bagels and everything." "And, and he said we can't get married." "Daddy, you can't do that." "Ha!" "Ow!" "You could stop my heart." "And you can't surprise a person with a wedding." "You have to ask somebody if they want to get married." "Ha!" "Oh!" "Stop it!" "I'm warning you." "I'm about to cry." "You both should be ashamed of yourselves." "I'm a grown woman." "It is not your decision when or if I get married." "How dare you treat me like a child or your property." "I was just looking out for you, Monkey." "Sweetie, no one was thinking of you as property." "You're just feeling sensitive because of your large size." "Look what you did to Monkey." "I'm going to kick your ass again." "Well, good for her." "Finally standing up for herself." "Hi, I'm the choreographer." "Hi, I'm your sister." "Oh, God." "Somebody, quick." "Punch me in the chest." "Christine?" "Oh, my God." "I didn't recognize you." "I know." "It was an accident." "I didn't want to look like this." "I wanted to look good for you." "You look better than you've ever looked." "I-I love you as a blonde." "You do?" "Yeah." "I-I-I can't take my eyes off of you." "Can I toast you a bagel?" "Well, I don't know what that means, but I like the sound of it." "Okay, I got it this time." "I studied this thing from cover to cover." "I'm ready." "I feel good." "Come on." "Hit me." "All right, um, what's the capital of the United States?" "Okay, I'm in real trouble here." "Wait a minute." "The capital of the United States" " I know this." "I was there for the inauguration of..." "Uh, look, you seem like an understanding guy who might need a little extra cash." "Let's see if you know this president." "Hamilton was not a president." "You have one more chance to take this test, or we won't be able to process your paperwork." "Look, I can make it multiple choice." "You ready?" "How many senators represent each state?" "Two?" "A thousand?" "Banana?" "I'm sorry, sweetie." "I honestly thought surprising you with a wedding would make you happy, because lately you've been a little bit..." "What, Richard?" "What have I been?" "I don't want to say it now." "I know." "I'm a pain in the ass." "I don't feel like myself." "I think you're beautiful." "What, Richard?" "What exactly do you think is beautiful about me?" "I'm sorry." "I know your heart was in the right place, but I don't think I want to get married." "But that's all you talked about before." "I know, but I already feel like we're together forever." "Who needs a piece of paper?" "I don't." "I just want to be with you." "I love you, Richard." "Aww..." "Oh, okay." "Be careful, 'cause I think your dad broke my sternum." "He's just upset." "He probably thinks all you're after is my trust fund." "Your what fund now?" "I'm supposed to get $3 million when I turn 35, and if I'm married, it would be community property." "Marry me." "I am glad you're here." "I was hoping I'd see you." "I felt terrible the way we left things." "Oh, you mean when you made out with me, but you forgot to mention that you had a fiancée?" "Yeah." "I was young and upid." "And you were young and brunette." "Think you'll ever forgive me?" "Well, I don't know." "Maybe if you freshen my drink." "You don't have a drink." "I know." "That's what I'm saying." "I want a drink." "Oh." "Yeah, sure." "You got me a little..." "A little what, Papa?" "Let me just get you that drink." "Wow." "You've changed." "You're just so... blonde." "What are you doing, Lady Gaga?" "I'll tell you what I'm doing." "I got Papa Jeff right where I want him." "It's fantastic!" "Nobody can resist a blonde." "He loves me." "What about your boyfriend?" "Oh, yeah." "I have a plan." "Okay?" "I make Papa Jeff want me so bad that he can taste it." "And then, I break the news to him that I have a boyfriend, and I break his heart in two." "I don't like the new you." "But for some reason, I kind of want you to slap me and throw a drink in my face." "Yeah, you're very Angie Dickinson-ian." "Yeah, that's what I'm going for." "All right, now take a hike." "Lover boy's coming back." "I've got to bust his chops." "Large." "Oh, Papa." "So, Christine, um, it doesn't look like anyone's marrying anybody around here." "Maybe you and I should..." "What?" "Get together?" "Be a couple?" "Live happily ever after?" "Oh, I'm so sorry." "No, that's not going to happen." "I have a boyfriend." "What?" "Yeah." "That's right." "How does that feel?" "Does it hurt?" "Are you sad?" "Not really." "I wasn't really looking for a relationship." "Just thought maybe we could go out to my car and fool around a little." "Your car?" "Yeah, I don't have much time." "I have a date later." "What?" "What kind of girl do you think I am?" "I don't know." "You look like the kind of girl who brings down congressmen." "You know what?" "I don't even know what that means." "And the kind of girl who doesn't know what that means." "No, no" " I don't want to make out with you in your car." "I want you to fall in love with me." "Oh." "Oh, no." "No, it's happening again." "Christine, I think you're great." "What?" "What are you doing?" "Why are you comforting me?" "Because I don't love you." "I'm sorry." "I didn't want to hurt you again..." "No, no, no-- you don't have to be sry." "You're not hurting me." "I'm hurting you." "Oh, there, there, Papa Jeff." "Oh, I'm so sorry I don't love you." "Are you okay?" "I-I-I-I think I'm just," "I'm just going to get going here." "What?" "No, no, no." "I want you to stay." "I need you to stay." "You'll forget about me." "What?" "No!" "Hey!" "You know what?" "I have someone!" "Okay?" "I have a boyfriend!" "Yeah." "And I hope that hurt." "Well, I'm sorry, Ms. Baran." "You still didn't pass." "And that was your third try." "So, I don't get my citizenship?" "No, you do." "You're too pretty to be deported." "Welcome to America!"