"(LAUGHING)" "Now that's what I call a bang-up job, baby!" "That's what I call an explosive situation." "Hey, what the hell are we doing sneaking into a deserted temple, anyway?" "We're spies, not archaeologists." "Orders are orders, Jack." "King George is expecting us to find a statue." "It's rumored to have been within these walls for thousands of years." "Oh, big whoop." "Oh, yeah!" "I've heard of this place." "The Lost Temple of the Wallawalla Bing Bang." "Precisely." "What?" "Their secret order vanished long ago." "Oh, I see." "So now, we're international grave robbers, huh?" "I think you've exhausted your complaints for one day, Jack." "After you." "Oh, why do I always get the shaft?" "(SIGHS)" "In point of fact, not only are we securing a valuable artifact for the British Museum, we're preserving the memory of an extinct society." "Oh, how exciting!" "Maybe later we can fold the laundry." "Careful now." "Oh, relax, sister, I'm like a cat." "I always" "(JACK YELLS)" "Land." "Are you sure you're 190 pounds?" "(COUGHS)" "Yeah." "Give or take a few." "Well, plus a few more." "Oh, come on." "Croque's food is so damn rich." "(GASPS)" "Look!" "There it is!" "(LAUGHS)" "You've gotta be kidding me." "We came all this way for that stupid-Iooking thing?" "It's called, "El Chango De Plata."" "El Chango De who?" "The Silver Monkey." "Okay." "Whatever, let's go." "Wait!" "No doubt this chamber is booby-trapped." "Concentrated beams of light illuminated by the sunrays from the cabin ceiling and reflected by polished stone." "If we break the circuit, I don't know what's gonna happen." "All right." "Well, that's fine." "I'll take it from here." "No, no, no." "I was the limbo champion at boarding school." "I'll give it a go first." "(SIGHING)" "(LAUGHING) Oh, yeah?" "Well, I was first in my class at high jump, baby!" "(GRUNTING)" "(EXCLAIMS)" "(CHUCKLES) Not bad." "Ooh, ooh, ooh." "No, no!" "Jack!" "What?" "Don't step on the red tiles." "My research tells me the Wallawalla Bing Bangs equate red with death!" "Well, I'm sorry, I missed that memo." "(SIGHS) Follow me." "What are you waiting for?" "No!" "Something tells me that's not beer foam." "But you know, a beer would go down pretty good right about now." "That smell, Jack." "It's hydrochloric acid!" "Oh, talk about a bad acid trip." "(SINGING) In 1801, the Revolution had been won" "And Uncle Sam's favorite son" "Had a job he needed done" "Which brought Jack to a lady" "Both beautiful and smart" "Who found his mix intriguing" "A scoundrel with a heart!" "From the Halls of Montezuma" "To the shores of Tripoli" "There was never a leatherneck braver" "A daring dragoon is he!" "He'll halt the bold advance" "Of Napoleon's attack" "There ain't a French or pirate rogue" "Who don't know Jack!" "From the Halls of Montezuma" "To the shores of Tripoli" "Sailin' 'round the bloody world" "To defend democracy" "And when ya need a fightin' man" "To trust or watch your back" "Just ask the bloke right next to ya" "Damn right!" "It's Jack!" "(SIGHING) Oh, no, Jack!" "The room's filling with hydrochloric acid!" "How could you just take the statue off the pedestal without putting something in its place?" "It's the oldest trick in the book." "Hey, I skipped class that day, okay?" "(EMILIA) Stop." "What?" "Oh, Jack, I told you not to stand on the red tiles." "Em, that's not a red tile, that's a blue tile." "This is all getting very confusing." "You should've read the manual to this... (DOORS RUMBLING)" "(GASPS)" "(QUAVERING) No!" "(JACK GRUNTS)" "Oh, the hell with this!" "Jack, what are you doing?" "No!" "Oh, how bad could it be?" "Come on, Jack!" "(JACK SCREAMING)" "Come on, Jack!" "Oh, pretty bad!" "(MONKEY CHATTERING)" "Oh, Em, I'm a human pin cushion!" "(GRUNTING)" "Wow, are we good." "(LAUGHS)" "(GROANING)" "(RUMBLING)" "How am I ever gonna get up there?" "All aboard, baby." "Up you go." "Oh, quit groping me." "Emilia Rothschild!" "Hurry up, Jack!" "Come on." "Go, baby!" "Go!" "Was it good for you, too?" "I'll always treasure this moment." "(LAUGHS) You zing me, baby!" "Oh." "(LAUGHS)" "(JEAN-CLAUDE SQUAWKING)" "Bonjour!" "Monsieur, madame," "I have orders for Monsieur Stiles from President Jefferson himself." "Wait a second, J-C." "I thought the whole idea of a talking carrier parrot was so that no one could intercept written messages." "Well, for some reason, my short term memory seems to be failing me." "Yeah." "I bet you get the munchies a lot, too." "(LAUGHS)" "I admit nothing." "Vive la resistance!" "New orders, already?" "Yeah." "It's from the President." "Must be a medal or at least a raise." "Uh..." "Sorry, Em." "For which one of your countless transgressions?" "Well, I have orders here that say the monkey has to go back to America." "What?" "That's impossible." "My king and your president assigned us to work together." "Why would they send us conflicting orders?" "Well, I have no idea, but this is legit." "Well, as are mine, Jack." "Sorry, Em, but I gotta take that monkey off your back." "I don't think so." "(GROANS)" "(SNICKERING)" "What is so funny?" "All your export ships are at sea, remember?" "You don't have another one due back until tomorrow." "Well, what makes you think" "I can't play monkey in the middle with you for a day?" "Okay." "Okay." "How about a friendly little wager?" "Okay." "If that monkey winds up stateside, you're gonna be my servant for one month." "Fine!" "And if I send it to England, you'll be mine." "Deal." "Shake." "Oh, nice try, Jack." "You almost had me." "I suppose I'll see you at Croque's then." "(GROANS)" "(CHUCKLING) Too slow, Jack!" "(LAUGHING)" "Just warming up, Em." "Just warming up." "Two enormous tentacles!" "Oh, Mr. Stiles." "I was just apologizing on your behalf, for your tardiness." "Sorry I'm late, Gov, but I fell for the wrong girl." "Au contraire, Jacques, you are just in time." "It seems our Captain Brogard has hidden talents." "He has made some most delicious hors d'oeuvres." "Oh, Governor, it was nothing." "Just a little something I threw..." "Would you care to sample the Captain's crab balls?" "Not on your life." "But I can recommend a good physician for that, Brogie." "Clear you right up." "I'd be happy to partake of your balls, Captain." "JACK:" "You would." "My friends, I have the most exciting news." "It seems that the Lost Temple of the Wallawalla Bing Bang tribe has been discovered on our own fair island!" "I hadn't heard that." "No." "You don't say?" "Sadly, the prized statuette known as El Chango de Plata was nowhere to be found." "Which means that someone on Palau-Palau has stolen property belonging to" "the French Empire." "Not to worry, Governor." "My men are on the hunt." "And the thief will be shot on sight." "(HUMMING)" "(WATER SPLASHING)" "(SIGHING)" "(LAUGHING)" "Jack, are you crazy?" "What do you think you're doing?" "Oh, no, baby, I'm just playing hardball." "Now, come on." "Show me the monkey." "Well, I am afraid you'll have to play hardball with yourself, Jack, because you'll never touch my monkey." "Well, that's okay." "You gotta come out of there sometime, so I'm pretty much guaranteed one monkey or at least a show I'll never forget." "Well, you have to sleep sometime." "Oh, good point." "Oh, well, I'll just have to up the ante, won't I?" "You wouldn't!" "(LAUGHING) I already did!" "(WATER DRAINING)" "Now, you don't have to give in, Em, because the human body is nothing to be ashamed of." "It's under my bed." "(GUFFAWING)" "You are so easy." "I knew your modest English upbringing would be your weak spot." "Yep." "Oh, I'll get to that monkey any minute now." "(LAUGHING)" "Come to Papa!" "(JACK SCREAMING)" "(TRAPS CLICKING)" "Ow!" "Ha ha!" "Oh, no!" "Oh, no!" "I'm having déja vu all over again." "Not this time." "Well, I'm glad that's over." "Well, Jack, have we learned our lesson?" "Hey, time out, sister." "This isn't funny anymore, you could've killed me up there!" "Oh, spare me the wounded animal routine." "It won't work." "Now if you'll excuse me, I have a monkey to hide." "If you're looking to give me a fright, Jack, be a little more careful." "Your knife almost killed me!" "Oh, get outta town." "That's not my knife." "Oh, yes." "And I suppose the knife just embedded itself in the doorway above my head, did it?" "I'm tellin' ya, I didn't throw that knife!" "And you should talk, that push off the roof disqualifies you from our little wager." "What?" "Oh, yeah." "And now I win by default." "Now cough up the ape!" "You're not getting the ape, Jack!" "Get off it!" "(BOTH GRUNTING)" "Jack!" "Give me that!" "That's my monkey." "(EMILIA GRUNTS)" "BROGARD:" "Well, well, well." "What do we have here?" "It seems we have found our thieves, Governor." "Emilia, Jacques?" "I am sorry we did not find you in a less public place, my friends." "Unfortunately, I will now have to execute you at once." "I cannot tell you how disappointed I am to discover that it was you who pilfered my prized monkey." "Captain!" "I will miss you, madame." "Say, what about me?" "Present arms!" "Ready!" "Aim!" "Governor, wait!" "We're innocent!" "But how do you explain your possession of the prized monkey?" "Yeah?" "I mean, uh, tell them, Em." "The Dragoon broke into our home." "But why on earth would he do such a thing?" "What was it again he said, Jack?" "About the..." "Oh, yeah, about the..." "Oh, God!" "What was it?" "Oh, he wanted us to fence the monkey for him!" "Exactly!" "And because I am an exporter, he thought I could help sell it and smuggle it off the island!" "Uh-huh." "But you know what we said?" ""Hello?" "No!" ""No, the monkey belongs to the mighty Governor Croque."" "I would love to believe your convenient excuse, but what proof do you have?" "Hmm?" "Proof?" "What proof?" "Jack ripped off his mask." "Impossible." "A bumbling fool like Monsieur Stiles could never best the Daring Dragoon." "Oh, no?" "How do you like them apples, Craptain?" "Mon dieu, it is true!" "You bet it's true." "And when I saw that little weasel, ooh!" "I got the strength of 10 men." "I became a veritable superman!" "Right, Em?" "Oh, yes." "Jack was mighty." "A dynamo." "A towering hunk of manly strength." "That's right!" "And that coward ran like a three-legged chicken." "Yes, and of course, we ended up with the monkey." "And then, oh, well..." "We started fighting about who would have the honor of presenting it to you..." "And, wow!" "Ignore my order, Captain." "It is clear we have misjudged our dear friends." "And I finally have El Chango De Plata." "Well, no apology necessary." "So, Governor, will you be keeping the Silver Monkey in your home then or..." "Oh, no." "That is no way to treat such a priceless treasure." "I shall melt you down and make ten little copies of you, and then sell each as an original for twice the cost of the whole." "Come, Captain." "(GUFFAWS)" "Say, why didn't you think of that?" "(SIGHS) Well?" "Well, what?" "It was my quick thinking that saved our lives, and you're not even going to apologize, are you?" "Emilia, I'm your partner, why would I try and kill you over a piece of jewelry?" "Well, apart from your fragile male ego, you wouldn't." "Okay." "So I'm not trying to kill you, you're not trying to kill me, so no one's trying to kill anybody." "(JACK AND EMILIA SCREAMING)" "You were saying?" "Hey, look!" "You there, stop!" "Cover seven?" "(ALL CHATTERING)" "(SCREAMS)" "All right, pal!" "Who the hell are you?" "And why are you trying to kill us?" "I am Wiranto, a member of the Secret Order of the Wallawalla Bing Bangs." "BOTH:" "The Wallawalla Bing Bangs?" "But they're extinct, vanished for thousands of years." "A rumor, a myth spread to conceal our hiding." "We were forced to flee the sacred temple when our island was first occupied by the French, and now we want our monkey back." "Well, we don't have it anymore." "Well, you were the ones who stole it from our temple, and for that, the Wallawalla Bing Bangs will not rest until you are skinned." "Well, look, if you geniuses hadn't kept yourselves secret, we never would've taken the damn thing." "If we retrieve the statue for you, will the Wallawallas consider revoking our death warrants?" "I don't see why not." "Well, if you get it back, no harm done, I suppose." "But if you fail, death." "(GRUNTING)" "Do not worry, Monkey." "It will be like a warm bath, nothing more." "Melt me, Governor!" "At once, little one." "Excuse me, Governor, but I was hoping to witness the dissolution of this priceless treasure firsthand." "Of course, Emilia." "As you say, the more the merrier." "(LAUGHING)" "Well, looks like it's time for a little gorilla warfare." "Brogard!" "Get him!" "(GROANS)" "(GROANS)" "Now what did I tell you guys about getting hammered at work, huh?" "(JACK CHUCKLING)" "(GRUNTING)" "JACK:" "Talk about a gut bomb." "(CHUCKLES)" "Take two anvils and call me in the morning." "Sorry to throw a monkey wrench into your plans, Governor." "Not so fast!" "Care for a game of poker?" "Round and round she goes!" "Where she stops, nobody knows." "Ha!" "(BROGARD GROANING)" "I think it's time we ironed out our little problem." "(LAUGHING)" "Right." "They're finished." "Now, spot the original." "Em, you're a genius." "They're exactly identical." "This one." "There's no hiding the real monkey from one of my people." "Return it to them, that's where it belongs." "Besides King George and President Jefferson will each have one of their own." "The Secret Society of the Wallawalla Bing Bangs owes you a great debt of gratitude." "By the way, what is so secret that you can't tell anyone?" "Unfortunately, the world is not ready for the secret we have to offer." "Some day, perhaps." "Until that day comes, be decent to each other, and stay off drugs." "Did..." "Did he just..." "No." "I think we learned a valuable lesson today, Jack." "We did?" "Yes." "Can you guess what it is?" "Uh, waste not, want not?" "No." "Don't talk with your mouth full." "No!" "Although personal hygiene is important." "When we turned on each other, we almost lost the monkey and our lives." "Together, we achieved our goals." "United we stand, Jack." "Divided we fall." "All right." "Well, now that we're back together again, let's re-establish our roles." "You make boring speeches about science and I provide the witticism." "All right, you've quipped me into shape!" "Touché, Em."