" Morning all." " Good morning, papi." "Hump day." "Am I right, Jay?" "Your day ends at 2:30." "Can't come fast enough." "Quittin' time." "Am I right, Jay?" "Let's not make this a thing." "Whoa, whoa, whoa." "What is this?" " Where's my soft-boiled egg?" " I scrambled it." "It's good for you to try new things." "I don't want to try new things." "You can't just spring this on me." "I have bad news, Manny." "This is not the biggest curveball... that life is going to throw at you." "Buddy, don't close yourself off from new things." "I ever tell you the story about me and crab cakes?" " Thought I didn't like them." "Tried them." "Love them." " Wow." "Are the movie rights available for that one?" "§ Hey, hey §" "§ Hey, hey §" "§ Hey, hey §" "§ Hey, hey §" "§ Hey §§" "Dunphy Spring Classic." "Who's gonna do the dishes for the next week?" "Boys versus girls." "Testosterone versus estrogen." " Standing up to pee versus the squat" " Phil, come on!" "Swing and a miss." "He's in her head, Luke." "And boys rule and girls drool." "You drool all the time." "Mom had to take you to a specialist." "I'm still growing into my tongue." "Hey, Mom, can I go to the movies with Robin?" "No, you may not, 'cause you are still grounded." "Then can I be sent to my room?" "No, 'cause we're having some fun family time." "We're gonna spend this beautiful afternoon outside... in the fresh air getting some exercise, okay?" "Pitch it, Phil." " Oh, well." " That's the game." "What do you mean?" "We just started." "That was our only ball." "So what?" "The game's over just because you're afraid of stupid Mr. Kleezak?" "Yep." "I'm not going over there." "That was fun." "If Hannibal Lecter and Freddy Krueger had a love child... he would be afraid of our next door neighbor." "I don't have a mean thing to say about anyone... but Mr. Kleezak is... not a nice person." "Easy, honey." " Hey, Haley." " Oh, hey, Uncle Mitchell." "Hey, is your mom home?" "No." "She had to take Alex to the oncologist." " Oh, my God." "What's wrong?" " She needed new glasses." " Oh." "Did you mean optometrist?" " Whatever." " So, should I give her a message?" " Yes, yes." "Could you ask her if she could possibly babysit Lily on Saturday night?" "We'd really, really appreciate it." "Saturday night we're having dinner with Pepper, Longines and Crispin." " They're our gay friends." " I think that was clear." "I've been spending a lot of time with a lot of straight people lately... and, darlin', I need a night with my homeys." "You mean homos." "Yeah." "You know what?" "Maybe you should stay in and babysit." "Yeah, our babysitter bailed, and we're kind of in a bind so" "I can do it." "I can watch Lily." "I'm really good." "I'm babysitting Luke right now." "Oh, yeah?" "You want- You want to babysit Lily?" "Oh, that's very sweet, honey." "But you're- you're a very popular girl." "I'm sure you have better things to do, so" "Seriously." "I'm totally free." "Being grounded is so much worse than it was in the olden days." "My friends text and Facebook all the fun stuff they're doing... while I'm stuck at home playing Jenga with my dad." "Are you serious?" "You don't even have to pay me." "I promise I'll take super good care of her." "Okay." "Well, that would be great." "Thank you." "Yes." "Well, we'll see you on Saturday night." "Bye, sweetie." "Bye." "Luke?" "Luke?" "What are you thinking?" "Haley is a very sweet and fashionable girl... but seems hardly a responsible caregiver." "You know what?" "We needed a sitter." "She's family." "I say we give her a shot." "A shot." "Oh, with our only child." "Sure, why not?" "If something goes wrong, we'll just pop over to the Orient, grab another one." "What?" "My name is Luke Dunphy." "I live next door." " What do you want?" " I wanna get our ball from your yard." "I don't want you messing around back there." "Just go home." " Are you going scuba diving?" " Hmm?" "Why do you have that tank?" " You being smart?" " You mean in school?" "Well, I do okay." "My teacher says I get distracted." " Why do you have that tube in your nose?" " For fun." "Really?" "Can I try?" " It's oxygen." " We have that in our house, but we don't need tanks." "Oh, for God's sake." "Just get your ball." "Okay." "Oh, my God." "I was watching the news... and another flock of birds fell out of the sky." "Dead." "What is happening?" "Sweetie, you gotta stop watching the news." "That's your big solution?" "Embrace ignorance?" "What are you two arguing about?" "Never mind." "I don't wanna know." " Oh." " Be back in a couple hours." "Whoa, whoa, whoa." "Where are you going?" "To my friend Walt's house to watch High Noon." "Ooh, I love westerns." "The bloodier the better." "That's my favorite type of movie." "That and anything set against the backdrop of competitive cheerleading." "Is Walt the one who's always skateboarding?" "No." "Where would he put his oxygen tank?" "Okay." "Now I'm really confused." " You sound like Walt." " He gets confused a lot." "It's hilarious." "Wait." "Are we talking about Mr. Kleezak?" "Yeah." "I went over to his house to get my ball, and we've been hanging out." "You were in Mr. Kleezak's house?" " Luke, that is not okay." " Why not?" "He's really nice." "And funny." "Listen to this joke." "Okay." "Two crabs walk into a bar" " Phil, this is not good." " Honey, don't jump to conclusions." " Let him finish the joke." " And one of them has a limp." " Uh-huh." " You may not go back to that man's house." " Why not?" " Because he's weird." " And not very nice." " Yeah." " That's what you said about my friend Oliver." " Oliver." "The Oliver who almost burned down our garage?" "He likes to melt stuff!" "Like you're so perfect." "Luke, I'm sorry, but your mother and I just aren't comfortable with this." "That's so unfair!" "You don't even know him 'cause you're too afraid to talk to him." "Buddy, we're just looking out for you." "You never like any of my friends!" " We're doing the right thing." " Absolutely." " Aren't we?" " I don't know." "I mean, he makes a point." "We don't know the man." "And little kids can be friends with old people, right?" "Of course they can." "There's tons of examples." "Up, um, Gran Torino, True Grit." "Cartoon, kills himself, she loses an arm." " We've gotta go talk to that guy." " Now?" " Yeah." " It's so dark." "Okay." "So the numbers are by the phone." "There's food in the fridge." "I just changed her diaper." "So all you need to do is put her down in about half hour... and not let a serial killer in the front door." " Well, what if he's cute?" " Well, then save him for us." " Nobody in, nobody out." " No." "Oh, we're gonna be totally fine." "You just go, get your gay on." "Oh, it is on like Donkey Kong." "Or clearly it's not on yet." "But it will be." "So, okay." "Come on." "Let's go." "I'm telling you, kid, this is a concert you're never gonna forget." "Greatest music in the world." "Wait a minute." "What's this?" " What do you mean?" " What are we seeing?" "The symphony." "The Four Seasons." "I thought we were seeing Frankie Valli  the 4 Seasons." " No." "It's Vivaldi." " Oh, crap." "You mean nothing but instruments?" "I'm outta here." " No, you're not out." "You're in." " I hate this kind of music." "Jay, you always do that." "Every time we try something new, your first reaction is always no." "I'm old enough to know what I like and what I don't like." " What about the crab cakes?" " That was a fluke." "And I can't slather that boring music in tartar sauce." "So I have to try new things- like scrambled eggs- but you don't have to?" "You see what you're doing?" "You're tearing this family apart!" "Take it down a notch." "You two go in, have a great time." " I'll see you later." " What are you going to do?" "I'm gonna walk like a man, fast as I can, to that bar over there." "And if you knew Frankie Valli, you'd be cracking up right now." "It's okay." "John Schneider was the one." " John Schneider from Dukes of Hazzard?" " That was your first crush?" "Oh, my God, yes." "Bo Duke." "Delicious." "He was a redneck who drove a car called the General Lee... with a giant Confederate flag on it." "That wasn't a turn off for you?" "I know he was all kinds of wrong, but the heart wants what the heart wants." "Richard Gere." "Oh, my God." "I'll be the officer- don't be a gentleman." " Montgomery Clift." " Who?" "Don't do that, Crispin." "You're not that young." "Anyway, my crush was gay." "At least I had a shot." "You had a shot with Montgomery Clift?" "How old are you?" "I will cut you like it was nothing, farm boy." "Oh." "See, I miss this." " Wait." "What about you, Mitchell?" " Um, okay." "I didn't know it was a crush because I was only eight at the time." " I knew when I was eight." " Everyone knew when you were eight." "Longines, get up." "We're switching seats." "Okay." "Okay." "Back to me." "Back to me." "Back to me." "So I had just seen St. Elmo's Fire." "Oh, Mitchell, look." "It's your father." "Oh, that's your father?" " He's cute." " Okay." "Can you please turn it off for one second?" "Oh, he's all alone." "Invite him over." "Yeah, that's not something we're gonna do." "Relax." "Your dad knows you're gay." " He doesn't know I'm this gay." " Excuse us?" " Oh, Mr. Pritchett!" "Yoo-hoo!" " Jay." "Jay." "Oh, he looks like that dentist you hooked up with in Laguna." "Oh, yeah, yeah." "That was in my daddy phase." "Yes, please, keep this up." "This is fun for me." " Fellas, how you doin'?" " Hey, Dad." " Hi, Jay." " Hello, Daddy." " What are you doing here?" " I'm just getting a drink while Gloria and Manny see a show." " Well, please, join us." " No, I don't want to intrude." " He doesn't want to intrude." " You are not intruding." " I'm gonna watch the game." " He wants to watch the game." "Oh, sit down." "We're up by 25 with a minute to go." "Uh, maybe just for a minute." "Okay." " So what does a guy gotta do to get a drink around here?" " Nobody say anything." "Justin, more booze." "Mitchell was just about to tell us who his first boy crush was." " No, I wasn't." " Let me bring you up to speed." "Crispin's was Joey Mclntyre- whoever that is." "Longines said John Schneider." " Your name is Longines?" " I know." "I never stood a chance." "Cam's was Richard Gere." "And I was Monty Clift." "Well, at least yours was gay." "I mean, you might've had a shot." "Thank you!" "Crispin, up." "I'm sitting next to this one." "Welcome." " He's right there." " All right." " Mr. Kleezak?" " Mr. Kleezak?" "It's open." "Honey, he's not moving." "Is he okay?" "Well, there's only one way to find out." "Mr. Kleezak?" "Mr. Kleezak?" "Okay." "I" " I don't know if he's breathing." " Does he have a pulse?" " Well, there's only one way to find out." "Will you stop pushing me?" "You do it." "I hate this." "I'm gonna kill Luke." "Oh, my God." "He's ice cold." " Hey." " Oh, my God!" "I'm sorry." " We thought there was something wrong with you." " Sorry." " What?" " We thought there was something wrong with you." " Phil." " Hi." "We haven't, uh, formally met." "Phil Dunphy." "Yeah, I know you." "You're the guy who just broke into my house and fondled me." "No." "We were just concerned that you looked dead." "No offense." "What" " What" " What are you doing here?" "Oh, um, our son, Luke, told us that you invited him over here to watch movies." "And I'm sure you could understand why we would be concerned about that." " No." " Phil." " You're doing great." " Honey" "What, are you saying that I'm some kind of pervert?" " No!" " Probably not." "Look, I didn't ask him to come over here." "I was minding my own business, like you should be." "Okay." "But in all fairness, our son is our business." "Well, then keep him." " And keep your daughter from driving into my garbage cans." " Uh" "And keep your blinds closed when you're doing your little sexy dance." "Oh, God." "He's seen my sexy dance." "So I'm 12 years old." "I'm staying overnight at my best friend Jim's house." " Neither of us want to go to sleep." " I know where this is going." "You're better than that, Crispin." "So we sneak off to the movies... and we see this little picture called Solomon and Sheba." " And Sheba was" " Gina Lollobrigida!" "Bingo!" "And for the rest of my life, I swore one day I would marry Gina Lollobrigida." " Well, Dad, you kinda did." " I hear that!" "Mmm." "These are good." "What's in 'em?" "It's a margarita with a shot of absinthe." "Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder." "Ah, are you making a bad pun or just lisping?" "I can't believe I drove all the way to the Valley to pick you up." "Justin, more booze!" "Oh!" "Haley!" "Hi." "Is everything okay?" " Yeah." "Why?" " Because I just saw a man walk through the living room." "What?" "Where are you?" "I can see through the camera on the computer." "You're spying on me?" "Oh, my God." "Oh, my God." "That is so lame." "Look, I don't know what you think you saw- maybe the TV or the reflection." "Or maybe you think that my body is just shaped like a boy, like I don't have hips or something." "No, no, no, no." "You have a darling figure." " I was just concerned that" " That hurts so much." "This is the kind of thing that I expect from my mother, but not from my cool uncle." " So, thank you for all of your trust." " Okay, um, sorry." "Sorry." "Unbelievable." " You gotta go." " Okay." "§§" " Yeah!" " All right." "Thank you." "Dad, I've never seen you sing before." "Well, you never saw me in the shower." "And don't anybody go there." "When I was 12 years old, my father walked into my bedroom... and caught me doing the most embarrassing thing that a boy can do- dancing to Madonna's "Lucky Star."" "And from that moment on, there's always been a part of me that I've kept from him." "And yet here he was laughing with my friends." "And" " I don't know- maybe the problem was me." " Rob Lowe!" " Where?" "No." "Rob Lowe from St. Elmo's Fire." "That was" " That was my crush." " I loved him." " I get that." "He's a good-looking kid." " Mm-hmm." " Right?" "Yeah." "Hey, "Walk Like a Man."" "Well, I can sing it, but I can't do it." "§§" "I think I just pulled something." "Nurse!" " Hello?" " Please tell me that you have my shoes." "Why would I have your shoes?" "Because I left them at your uncles's house last night." "What?" "How could you leave without your shoes?" "I go a lot of places without shoes." "I'm not wearing shoes right now." "Oh, wait." "That's 'cause I left them at your uncles's house." "This is a disaster!" "Maybe they'll think they're theirs." "They're gay." "They know what shoes they own." "Thanks a lot, Walt." "You couldn't be nice to my parents for two seconds... so now I'm not allowed to hang out with you." " What do you want from me?" " I thought you were my friend." "You promised to teach me how to grow tomatoes." "And you were gonna take me for an egg cream." "Forget it." "You're a little kid." "I don't need the aggravation." "Oh." "Sorry I "aggravated" you." "And just so you know, a lot of people think I'm adorable." "I can't open this." "Maybe if you had gone to the concert instead" " Could you open it, please?" " I would." "But I'm old enough to know that I don't like opening aspirin bottles." " Hello." " Hey, Dad!" "How do you guys do it?" "I thought cops could drink." "Listen, I just" "I wanted to say, I had such a good time with you last night, and I wanted to" " Hold on." "I got call waiting!" " Yeah." "Yeah?" "Woof." "Not a morning person." "Good to know." "Listen, I'm five away." "I hope you like blueberry scones and Dusty Springfield." " Who is this?" " Pepper, silly." "It's gonna be a scorcher in the desert today, so dress accordingly." "Oh, this is your street." "See you in a minute." "Holy crap!" "That friend of yours, that Pepper- he's on his way over here." "Why?" "Well, you made a date with him last night." "Don't you remember?" "I think I would remember if I made a date with a guy!" "I'm telling you, I know a guy in Palm Springs... who has every single vintage record known to man." "I'm driving out there tomorrow." "Come with me!" " It's a date!" " Yay!" "I was drunk!" "I'm not going shopping with Priscilla, Queen of the Desert." "Okay, Dad." "Well, I'm feeling really good about our relationship... and I wanna hold onto that for a little while longer." "So I'm gonna go ahead and hang up with you." "Give Pepper a big kiss for me." "Gloria, now listen." "I know that you're upset with me about that concert thing... and rightfully so, but you have to help me." " What is it?" " It seems I made plans with Mitchell's friend Pepper." "That's someone's name?" "Pepper?" "Yes." "And that's just the tip of the iceberg." "There's another guy named Longines." "But Pepper's gonna be here any second." "He's gonna take me to Palm Springs to go shopping for records." "Now, when he gets here, can you pretend there's some kind of an emergency?" "Can you do that, please?" "Ay, Jay." "I" " I think you have to take me now to the hospital." "My head is in pain." " Do you mean like that?" " Yes." "Thank you." "Okay." "It's showtime." "And with this guy, I mean that literally." "I'm here!" "Oh, my God!" "What I could do with this house." "Hello, Jay." "Chop, chop." "It's a two-hour drive... not counting our stop at the outlet mall." "Okay." "Uh" " Gloria, we're leaving!" "Hello." "You must be Pepper." "Ay, ay, ay." "My head." "What's the matter, Gloria?" "Nothing." "I just had a little ice cream." " Huh?" " He hasn't stopped talking about you all day long." " Right." " Wow." "You are stunning." "How rich are you?" "Are you sure you're all right, Gloria?" "I feel great, mi amor." "I am so happy that he's doing this with you... because I never get him to do anything different." "Like the Vivaldi." "Hmm." "I think he likes you more than me." "You two have a great time together." "All right, but we gotta be back early..." " because, you know, I got that work thing." " No, no." "I canceled everything." "You don't have anything." "You can spend all day long with him." "Wonderful." "Well, shall we?" "Oh, my God." "Tallulah!" "Oh!" "Don't worry." "She'll stop yapping when she gets on your lap." "Alex, honey, come on." "We're gonna be late." "A herd of cows dropped dead for no reason." "I'm not going anywhere." "Get your affairs in order, people." "This is the end." "Don't be ridiculous." "There's nothing out there to be afraid of." " Hey." "Oh." " Oh." "Mr. Kleezak." "I'm not used to waking up with people poking me." "I was startled, you know." "We are really sorry about that." "Yeah." "Well, these are onions." " From my garden." " Wow." "Thank you so much." "That is so nice." "Yeah." "Well, don't go throwing any parades." "They're onions." " Uh-huh." " Okay." "I used to be a fireman, you know." "I don't hurt kids." "Sir, would you like to come in?" "Just tell the boy that Shane 00." " He should watch it." " Maybe you could tell him yourself." "He" " He's right upstairs." "Hang on." "Luke, honey, come on down." "Your friend Walt is here." " This is just so sweet." " Yeah." "Well, just don't start dancing." "People can surprise you." "You get used to thinking of them one way, stuck in their roles." "They are what they are." "And then they do something that shows you... there 's all this depth and dimension that you never knew existed." "Are you talking about Rob Lowe?" "I ' m just saying he's a very versatile actor." "I think his good looks have actually held him back." "Well, I can relate to that." " Haley!" " We need to talk." "I know I freaked out on you last night, but you have to see it from my point of view." " You were totally spying on me." " I know." "You were invading my First Amendment right to privacy." "We were." "I'm sick and tired of people not trusting me!" " I get it." " And especially you guys." "I don't think of you guys as my uncles." "I think of you as my friends." "And if your friends don't believe in you, then what else do you have?" " Dylan's shoes." " Please don't tell my mom." "Buckle up." "English" " US Dan4Jem, AD.MMXI.IX"