"Hey dad, I'm home!" "Hey, Ben, I'm in here." "I'm in here." "Well, that's what separates us, just one room." "What do you got there?" "Is that breakfast?" "Yeah, I got..." "The supermarket was closed, so I had to go to, uh..." "Tell me you didn't go to Larry's." "Went to Larry's." "Ben, we... we..." "Dad, if the supermarket's closed, I can't..." "Yeah, but Larry's isn't the place to buy food." "Larry's is the place to buy toilet paper, or..." "There's not a big selection there, that's the problem." "And you know, everything's dirty." "Well, why don't you heat up some of the Gatorade and we'll..." "I'll join you for breakfast." "I heard if you heat it for, like, ten minutes, it thickens." "I'm gonna make an omelet, do you want one?" "I think we're out of eggs, Ben." "I got some." "There was three left at Larry's." "Uh, then we should be out of eggs, because those are not..." "You know what I don't like about Larry's, is that whenever you get a carton of eggs, some are taken out." "People buy eggs individually now, and that is disgusting." "It's, like, someone's been in the carton I want to buy." "No, actually, you know, you can get all kinds of awful infectious diseases from eggs that have gone bad." "I know, I love that." "Botulism, Salmonella." "What, do you want them fried or scrambled or..." "I would boil them and then boil them again, just to be safe." "So dad, I'll cook up breakfast and you sit back and relax." " You're king for a day." " Okay." "What are you doing over there?" "Nothing." "Come to daddy, oh, yeah, get..." "Yes!" "Yes!" "Payday!" "Dad, dad!" "What's going on, Ben?" "Dad, look at me!" "I'm happy." "Wait, what... what are you happy about?" "I just won." "My scratch ticket paid off." "500 bucks." "Let me see that." "No, you're..." "Sir Pay-a-lot just paid." "That's amazing." "I don't even have good fingernails." "But I won." "Oh, my god, this has never happened before." "I've always lost..." "Never won." "What do you mean you've always lost?" "You've done this before?" "What, played scratch tickets?" "Yeah, I do it once..." "With whose money do you buy scratch tickets?" "I saved up from when I was a kid." "Ben, is that..." "Are you spending your Bar Mitzvah money on scratch tickets?" "I gotta do something with those Israeli bonds, because..." "The bonds, unlike yourself, matured ten years ago." "But dad, I... this is great, I'm a winner, you know?" "Why are you ruining it?" "No, I'm not, I'm..." "You look upset." "I can't really say I'm proud of you, but I'm happy for you." "Well, I finally did something in my life and then you just sit there like a lump." "I'm a big winner over here, and if you can't deal with that, then fine." "It's a mixed bag, winning money scratching a ticket." "Why are you doing this?" "I just don't want you to gamble too much, Ben." "It's addictive and dangerous and it can ruin your life." "Do you know that I'm constantly treating people for gambling addictions?" "Really?" "Is that true?" "Yes... people have won a lot more money than you, and it ruined their lives." "They can't stop gambling and they lose their job, their families, their self-respect." "God, that's awful." "But, um... 500 bucks, baby!" "Read 'em and sleep!" "I'll tell you, this makes up for all those wasted afternoons trying to figure out the ponies." "Wait, wait, wait..." "Did you say ponies?" "I said ponies." "I am originally from Indiana, and I know what you're thinking," ""Indiana, mafia."" "Actually..." "But the fact of the matter is where I grew up, Dr. Katz, there was something very similar to the mafia:" "4-H." "You didn't mess with 4-H, unless you wanted to wake up with a cow head in your bed, that or a basket full of apples." "I love it when people lie about where they're from, it's like," ""Where you from?"" ""Me?" "I'm from Chicago."" ""Oh, really?" "Where in Chicago?"" ""Uh, outside Chicago."" ""But where outside Chicago?" "Milwaukee."" "It's amazing how mean you can be to your brothers and sisters." "I saw my brother at Thanksgiving he pulled me aside, he goes," ""Jim, I think I got my girlfriend pregnant."" "And all I could think was," ""That bastard's got my shirt on."" ""Take it off."" ""Mom said I could wear it."" ""Take it off!"" "You want to tell me why you left your last therapist?" "Well, I've had..." "I've had two therapists." "And they were both nice guys, I guess." "But I had this experience where each one of them fell asleep during a therapy session with me." "Mm-hmm." "So I find the idea of therapy a little bit humiliating." "Well, were you going on and on about something?" "I-I... okay, you know what?" "I have to go to the bathroom, can you hang on for just a second?" "Hold on." "Uh, Dreyfus session 418." "Julia thought I was making a joke at her expense and..." "I thought I was trying to let her off the hook." "She was right." "Hi, I'm back." "Hi, thanks." "I..." "I mean, yes." "I mean, yes you are back." "Okay, umm..." "Last week, you were talking about your older sister." "I feel like we were making some headway and then you just sort of clammed up." "Well, I really didn't have more to say about it, you know?" "Yeah." "Unless you want to add something." "Well, I think she's right." "I've..." "No, I'm sorry, I really don't wanna..." "Just remind me, you have an older sister?" "And an older brother." "And an older brother." "So you are in fact the middle child." "No, I'm the youngest." "The youngest of three." "You see, I mean if you don't..." "I don't..." "I don't even think you're listening to you." "I'm sorry, you know what," "I just stopped concentrating for one second..." "So that's the thing." "And the next thing you know, you're gonna be off in dreamland somewhere." "You know there is something to be said for not being too alert in therapy, and just sort of allowing your mind to wander." "Well, I don't know what you're talking about." "Dr. Katz." "Hey!" "Oh, you know what, I was just thinking..." "It's all right, it doesn't matter." "Can you hang on a second?" "I gotta go pee again." "Dreyfus session 418." "Things aren't going well." "Ten minutes in the bathroom to one minute on the phone." "10:1 ratio..." "Not good." "And I'm not sure she's really going to the bathroom." "You seem particularly agitated today." "It's my dry-cleaner." "Julia, you know you can't let the dry-cleaner dictate the kind of day you're gonna have." "It's not fair to him." "They've lost two of my pants, which is bad because I don't have very many," "I'm pregnant." "How can you lose a pair of maternity pants?" "Is that a riddle?" "Really, I mean it." "You know, they're huge." "Oh, guess what?" "I have to go to the bathroom." "That was gonna be my next guess." "Can you hold on?" "You don't have a phone in the bathroom, do you?" "Uh, I do, but I don't want to talk to you on the phone in the bathroom." "Oh, you don't have to tell me when you're going to the bathroom." "You can just say that you're going to the kitchen." "In fact, you can do the whole session from the..." "Hello?" "Laura!" " How're you doing?" " Good." "Ben Katz..." "The new Ben Katz." "I had a very, very good weekend." "Great." "I had a very good weekend." "Very good..." "How was your weekend?" "It was great." "Mine was better..." "Mine was better." "You know what happened this weekend?" "Saturday morning." "I won money on a scratch ticket." "Really?" "That's great." "Yeah, I just..." "I played it and then I won." "Wow." "It was amazing." "That's enough to keep you going for awhile." "Guess how much I won." "$5,000." "Um, no." "No, not that much." "That's... that's a lot of money." "$2,000." "No, $2,000 is really a lot of money, too." "It's 500, I won... 500, not 5,000." "Oh, that..." "That's great." "I just scratched three times, I won $500." "That's huge." "5,000 is..." "I don't know why you said that." "That's rude." "What if we try it again?" "And we can..." "I'll say "Guess how much?"" "And you say, like, five bucks." "So, can we do that?" "What?" "Note to myself." "I gotta redecorate this office..." "Put a live fish in the fishbowl." "That wasn't good enough..." "Say, "One buck."" "Guess how much I won?" "A dollar." "No, $500!" "You know what?" "I'm still not happy." "Say, "a penny."" "Do that one time for me, Laura, and then you can go back to doing your stupid filing." "Okay?" "Guess how much I won on the scratch ticket." "Say "a penny."" " Say "a penny."" " A penny." "No!" "Five million pennies!" "No, it's 500,000." "500,000 pennies, $500!" "That's what I won." "It's a lot more than a penny, baby." "Note to myself." "Appreciate the little things in life." "Take the time to smell the flowers." "Get some flowers." "I'm a very lonely man." "Note to myself." "How are you?" "Who's your favorite professional therapist?" "You are, you bad, bad Dr. Katz." "Hello?" "I feel like I'm not likeable, you know?" "There's these old guys in my neighborhood that just stand on the sidewalk, they'll say hi to my girlfriend but just ignore me." "They'll be like, "Hi, sweetheart."" "And I'll be like, "Hey, how are you."" "And they'll be like, why are people, like, in movies, whenever they're thinking, they're always chewing on the end of their glasses?" "You know, it's like, "If we give the alien a cold..."" "You know what they're really thinking?" ""This tastes like wax."" "Dr. Katz' office." "Hey, Laura." "Hi." " How's it going?" " Fine." "I thought so." "I'm still riding that high, I gotta be honest with you." "It's like, I remember that last scratch like it was yesterday." "There was no better feeling than seeing that number nine come up underneath my dirty, little fat finger." "Do you know what I did when I won?" "What?" "Nothing, I was cool." "I didn't react, I didn't go "Whoo!"" "Like some kind of an idiot." "It's not the first time great things have happened to me, it's not?" "Great things happen to me all the time..." "I'm cool about it." "I don't need to be all, you know, stupid." "You know what I mean?" "500 bucks!" "I'm anti-pita bread." "Were your parents anti-pita bread?" "Pita bread has this connotation of, like, being so healthy." "You're like, "Oh, it's in pita, it's okay."" "Take a piece of cheese..." "Bad for you..." "Put it in a piece of pita," ""it's okay."" "I don't know how when I go out to dinner how like bread and butter is suddenly such a delicacy I desire." ""Bread and butter, stale crackers, ice water!"" ""We've got to have this at home!"" "So, I'm thinking I was gonna do something a little more special with the money." "Oh, really?" "Like what?" "I'm thinking about taking..." "I'm taking the closest people in my life," "I think, right now..." "As we speak, the closest people out for a nice dinner, a nice $500 dinner." "Wow." "That's nice." "And the closest people in my life right now are, my dad, of course, and you." "Me?" "Yeah, you." "Oh, that's so sad." "You ever stay in a hotel room, you feel like you can do anything in that room, don't you?" "I always blow my nose in the comforter." "They give you two beds," "I feel like I should use one of them for something, you know?" "Where do you usually stay, Jim?" "Laura, you, me, my dad in a five-star restaurant." "I mean, what more could you ask for?" "That's fantastic." "You're gonna love that." "Let me repeat it for you..." "You, me, my dad, five-star restaurant." "I didn't say "four."" "I said "five."" "Bring your triple-a card." "Because you get ten percent off." "Do you have one?" "Yeah." "Bring it." "Do you like French food?" "Uh, I don't know." "You don't know?" "Do you know what French food is?" "No." "It's like American food, but glazed." "You like the heavy cream sauces, don't you?" "I guess so." "I'm gonna get you a side order of cream sauce." "You know what they'll said?" "They'll say, "That's $5, sir."" "I'll say, "Add it on."" ""Bring two."" "You know what I'm gonna do, Laura?" "You're gonna get your food and..." "I'm gonna send it right back." "I'll say, "Take it back,"" "'cause I don't like it." "I don't like the way it looks, get another one." "Why my food?" "'Cause I'm gonna eat mine." "Maybe what you need is a vacation, Jim." "Well, I don't know." "I don't like going on vacation, 'cause then you feel like you have to see everything." "Feel like you have to write everyone a postcard, you know?" "You can be like a genius, you try and write a postcard, you look like a moron." ""This city's got big buildings, I like food, bye."" "Well, you don't have to write that postcard." "Recently, I got a postcard of the manatee, the manatee on there, the sea cow." "You ever seen that animal?" "Yes, yes, I have." "It's called the "sea cow..."" "that sounds like an insult to me." "It's almost like it was introduced to the ocean, the other animals were like, "Who are you?"" "And the manatee's like," ""You can call me the manatee."" "The other animals were like, "Yeah, right, sea cow."" " "Call me manatee." - "Sea cow."" ""Manatee, manatee, please!"" "The manatee kinda looks like a guest on "The Ricki Lake Show," doesn't it?" ""Ricki, I can't get laid."" "And then somebody in the audience would offer up the advice." ""Yeah, I'm gonna say something to the sea pig."" """ " That's sea cow." "" " Whatever." "You think you're all that 'cause you're a fat seal and (bleep)."" ""I don't think I'm anything."" ""Well, what you gotta do is get yourself an education and a job."" ""I live in the ocean."" ""You live in the ocean 'cause you ain't got no job!"" ""I don't know what you're talking about."" ""You're fat, you gotta get Weight watchers."" ""I have a layer of blubber to keep me warm in the water."" ""Whatever, talk to my hand."" "I just think it's so sweet of him." "You know, it's so rare that he makes a gesture like this, that he makes a gesture." "And he's talking about a five-star restaurant, you know that?" "I went to a four-star once, but there was an eclipse so it seemed more like a two-star." "Yeah, yeah, okay, Dr. Katz." "I went to a one-star restaurant four times in one week." "I have to tell you, Laura, this would be..." "This would really pick up Ben's spirits." "They've been really down for the past eight, 12 years." ""I think what you want to chat with me is not 'a-light', not a-light." "Oh, hi, Mrs. 'Donahee.'"" "uh... "Hi, Joe."" "Ahh... zasu, zasu!" "Anyway, so he wants to use this..." "His winnings to take us to dinner." "Really?" "Excellent." "I'd love a chateau brignon, if he's paying." "No, his version of "us" is me and Laura, and him." "Oh." "Oh." "I'm sorry if I mislead you there." "How 'bout a hamburger?" "Okay." "I'm starved." "God, this is so..." "Is this great, or what?" "Elegant... this place." "You know, this is actually a table for four, but..." "I arranged it so that the three of us could sit here." "That's great." "That's what you get for putting in a reservation." "So, is this nice enough for you, or...?" "Laura?" "It's almost too nice, for..." "It's very nice." "You gotta keep it down, Laura, 'cause this is a classy joint." "It's nice to see you, Laura..." "In this lighting, you look so beautiful, if you'll forgive me for saying so." "Do you two want to be alone, or is it..." "No, I just..." "I'm not used to seeing her in..." "I'm buying, here, so everybody talk to me." "Remember they served you a bowl of wonton soup, and there was a human tooth in it?" "And the waiter took it back, and everything was on the house." "And then we went out the next night, and you put a dime in your baked potato." "And the waiter brought you another baked potato, kept your dime." "Remember that?" "What's my point?" "I'm not gonna pull that kind of stuff anymore." "Ow, my tooth." "You okay?" "It was a drama, an hour drama on weekly television called "The Millionaire."" "The premise of the show was every week this wealthy guy would give $1 million to another person." "And they'd just follow the effects that that money had on his life." "That was the premise." "It's so narcissistic." "Ooh, big word for an expensive restaurant." "Is this the way you guys talk all day, every day?" "No, this is the longest conversation we've ever had." "Am I right, Laura?" "And it's not going well." "Not really." "I thought this would go better, because I'm treating." "Where's the wine?" "Did I remind everybody that I'm paying for this baby, so..." "I'm starting to sweat." "Hey, there's our waiter, do you want to..." "I'm gonna order." "Because I don't see why we should waste time, let's get out of here quick." "Laura, if it was up to you, people would be washing their hands constantly." "But washing your hands doesn't help..." "There's still gonna be fecal matter." "You know, this is a five-star restaurant," "I think they clean the fecal matter." "She's right about that." "They can't even see it." "It's only trace amounts." "What a great date you are, Laura." "I love to keep continually talking about fecal matter while I'm eating." "Is there any way you can fire her right here?" "Laura, look, look." "Whew, look at that." "Hey, you two better lay off the wine and eat your dinner." "People are starting to stare." "Oh, Dr. Katz, why are you such a fuddy-duddy?" "You're a fuddy-duddy daddy." "Loosen up." "I am loose..." "You two don't know that I took my pants off 20 minutes ago." "What?" "I'm kidding, I'm kidding." "I'm having a good time, don't worry about me." "Let me be honest with you for two seconds, dad:" "You have always bothered me." "I'm glad we got this out in the open." "Come here, you." "Pow, pow!" "You're gonna get dirt in your..." "Actually, over here, sir." "If you don't mind, I'm taking care of this." "Oh, my god." "What's that?" "Well, this is a little over $500." "The wine was a little pricey..." "I had no idea it was gonna be $350 a bottle." "Apparently, the reds are expensive." "Okay, I'm just gonna move out of here very slowly." "Act naturally, I'm just gonna slip out the door." "And I'm gonna warm up the car." "All right, I'll follow you." "Laura, you pretend to choke and I'll pretend to have a heart attack, dad, pretend you have diabetes, okay?" "Do you want me to put the rest on my credit card?" "Well, you know, that's not necessary." "Well, yes, it is." "I'd like to say to you, I don't mind." "You know what, why don't we just split it now?" "Because I can't pay for it myself so I feel uncomfortable." "Laura, why don't you kick in 350?"