"# Once in every lifetime" "# Comes a love like this" "# Oh, I need you, you need me," "# Oh, my darling, can't you see" "# Darling, we're the Young Ones" "# The Young Ones" "# (RICK) Shouldn't be afraid" "# To live, love," "# There's a song to be sung" "# 'Cause we may not be the Young Ones very long #" "(ALARM CLOCK RINGS)" "Pollution." "All around!" "Sometimes...up..." "Sometimes...down." "But always...around." "Pollution, are you coming to my town?" "Or am I coming to yours?" "We're on different buses, pollution." "But we're both using...petrol..." "..bombs!" "(ALARM CLOCK WINDS DOWN)" "Oh..." "Lads!" "It's two o'clock in the afternoon!" "Maybe it's time we got up." "Lucky I didn't sleep late, or we'd've missed half the day." "Oh..." "Thanks for telling me about the new hole, guys!" "# You say you want a revolution, we-ell #" "Vyvyan, have you been using my roll-on deodorant?" "There's a revolting hair on it and it's not mine!" "How d'you know?" "Because I know what mine look like." "I can see them now." "Not the ones on your bum, you can't!" "It's off your bum." "I suppose you think being rude in the morning's a very trendy thing to do!" " Well, it's not!" " It's probably a hamster hair." "He was getting whiffy so I gave him a going-over." "And was I consulted, pally?" "Now I stink like a student's armpit!" "It's common stealing, Vyvyan!" "And if you ever touch it again, ever, I'm going to the police." "I will, you know!" "Why is it always me that makes the tea?" "Wow!" "It's as if the kettle's killed itself rather than be used by me!" "Hey, Rick?" "Time is money, right?" "Standin' on the landing' is a great song title but to me it's just a tax loss." "So make space for the face that forced the abortion issue!" " Good morning, Michael." " Morning." "It's incredible, isn't it, Mike, that although one goes to bed apparently completely free of grit, when you get up, your bed's full of bits." "I can't say." "I can never see my undersheet for chicks." "Yeah, I have the same problem with fleas." "You see, without my spectacles, fleas and bits are almost identical." "Not that a flea's going to be wearing my spectacles." " Nice one!" "The act's coming along!" " Thanks, Mike!" "Listen, Rick!" "If I wanted to stand around in corridors, I would've taken the train." "Er, Mike, look..." "Morning." "I've got a lecture and my appearance at it is going to be important...!" " Rick, it's Saturday!" " Is it?" "The only lecture today is Mike's biology course." "I've gotta scrub up." "I've got the bathroom rota here..." "Never mind that!" "Come 'ere." " How do you get five elephants into a Mini?" " Pardon?" "You chop 'em in half, and chop 'em in half again, and you slice them up finely, then you mash them and scoop 'em into bags, put some in the boot, some on the back seat and the rest up front." "If you wanted to talk, you should've said, if you wanted to let off steam." "(LAUGHS) Kettle!" "Let off steam!" "Oh, sorry." "Good morning, Neil." "Tea ready yet?" "Shh!" "The kettle's had a breakdown." "Oh, no!" "Means we'll have to have raw tea again." "Hey, Neil...do you want to see a great new trick?" "Oh, yeah, all right, Vyv." " All you gotta do is stand over here." " Stand over there..." "Looking this way." " Close your eyes." " Close your eyes." "OK." " Got them closed?" " Yeah!" "Ready!" "(CLANG!" ")" "Nice one..." "I get it!" "My best friend told me that the other day." " Better get the lentils on." " I laughed and laughed and laughed." "I don't think I'm gonna be able to make breakfast without breaking all the plates." "Why's that, Neil?" "The lentils are trapped behind this huge mound of teetering crockery." "What are we gonna do?" "I hope we get through to the back of the cupboard this time." "Yeah, great, great, this one's it." "Yeah." "Right." "Oh, no!" "Get a bowl!" "Oh, no!" "Er, Neil!" "Neil, the lentils are dripping out all over the stairs." "Oh, no, it's full!" "Er, Vyv, can you get rid of that semolina?" " No, it was the bowl I wanted." " I didn't know." " Er...get a bowl!" " Get a bowl..." "Vyv!" " Vyv!" " Yeah?" "Really quickly, OK?" "Really quickly." " Here you are." " Oh, great." "Oh, this'll never go round." "We'll have to have Cornflakes." "Cornflakes for breakfast?" "That's disgusting, Neil!" "27 minutes in the bathroom and Mike looks fantastic." "Unlike the kitchen." "Neil, what is this mess?" "Well, it's mostly lentils but there's some crockery mixed in." "Mike, there's a cup of tea in the pot." "Oh, yeah, oh, good one, Vyv, yeah (!" ")" "He's only improvising, but Shakespeare could've written the script!" "That's not funny." "I could do better!" " You're an expert on comedy suddenly?" " Not suddenly, I just am." "It's strange that an expert on comedy is advertising tents on a Cornflakes packet." "Look, I'm gay." " What?" " Tent, camp, gay." "You've got to admit it, that was funny." "I wish I'd had time for a crap before we started." " That's all you girls ever think of!" " Shut up and keep smiling!" " We're the ideal nuclear family." " Post-nuclear, more like!" "Gotcha, Vyvyan!" "Using my ketchup on your Cornflakes!" "I couldn't get any milk out of the fridge!" "What are you, a spassy?" "No!" "There just happens to be an atom bomb in front of the door!" "That's the most pathetic excuse I've..." "WARDEN WALTERS!" " That's an atom bomb!" " Oh, no!" "It's the holocaust." "World War Three!" "Heavy!" "What are we gonna do?" "!" " Mike!" " Hey, turn on the telly!" " Yeah, we need information!" " No, I want to see Afternoon Plus!" "(SOFT INSTRUMENTAL PLAYS)" "(VYVYAN) Turn it over, then." "(TURNS TV DIAL)" " Try the other ones!" " All right!" "(ALL SIGH)" "(TURNS MUSIC DOWN) Absolutely pathetic!" "There's nothing on at all!" " Don't know why we pay our licence!" " We don't." " Haven't we got a licence?" " No." "But that makes me a criminal!" "Right on...!" "This'll shake 'em up at the Anarchists' Society." "Occupying the Refectory, so what?" "!" "This is the real stuff!" "I'm a fugitive!" "A desperado!" "I'm gonna form a new Union society, with me as president " "People who Don't Pay their TV Licences Against the Nazis!" "This is only the beginning!" "What are you gonna do, burn your bra?" "Well, someone's got to do it." "It's very easy to sit on your backside, isn't it?" "Not if you haven't got a bottom." "(FRONT DOORBELL)" "That'll be the front doorbell ringing." "I bet I know who's got to answer it." "But Neil, you like meeting people!" "If I had a penny for every time I had to answer the door..." "I'd have £5.63." "It's probably someone unbelievably boring." "(NEIL) Oh, no!" "It's the TV detector van!" "MIKE, YOU BASTARD!" "Why didn't you buy a licence?" "I can't go to prison, I'm too pretty, I'll get raped!" "Yeah, steady on, we're not beaten yet." "The time has come for diplomacy." "(NEIL) Oh, no, he's asked me if we've got a telly!" "I think I'm gonna have to lie!" "(NEIL) What a bummer!" " The time for diplomacy is over." "Vyv..." " Chuck the telly out the window." " Quickly!" "Quickly!" "That, I did not expect." "Why don't we sneak it out past him?" "YES!" "YES!" "YES!" "Mike, run out into the street and say, "Look at that thing up there!"" "You disguise the TV as an old woman and sneak it past him!" "Suicide is a great hobby but it's not a living." "(NEIL) Lads!" "I've told him we haven't got a telly and I think that's thrown him a bit but, er, it won't hold him forever!" "Good thinking, keep it up!" "This is a tricky spot but Mike the cool person will squeeze it." " Stop crying." " I've just got something in my eye." "Vyv...eat the telly!" "That's a completely brilliant idea!" "I've been wanting to do this for a while!" ""It was the other three, not me." ""I had no idea what was going on." "It really was the other three."" "All right, don't rush me." "It's not an easy question to answer - have I got a telly?" "There could be a number of different replies." "I need time to think one up." "We know you've got one!" "We detected it!" "Oh." "So you've just been playing with me?" "It's better than playing with yourself." "Ho, ho, cheap sexual allusion." "Makes the world go round." "Neil, you haven't introduced us." "Bastard's the name." "But you can call me Right Bleeding." "All my friends do." "Well, did." " How come?" " I killed him." "Where's your licence?" "As the eunuch said to Mussolini, even if had one, I wouldn't show it to you." " That was a cheap joke." " I'm saving up for the fine." " Haven't you got a plan?" " I can't resist a challenge." "I haven't got a plan." "I hope someone's taking this down." "Right!" "Where's this telly?" "A-ha!" "So you do have one!" " You little runt!" " Hello." "The old trick, eh?" "Eat the telly before I get a chance to nick you!" "It's a toaster." "It's a telly, you yobbo!" " Give it back!" "I wanna nick yer!" " Mr Bastard!" "OK!" "Now, toaster or telly, the contents of my colleague's stomach are private." "And if they get damaged, we sue!" "Well, I can wait!" "I've dealt with your sort before!" " Where's your toilet?" " Upstairs." "Just follow your nose." "That's right!" "Tell the fascist where our toilet is!" "I'm going up there now to wait." "I know how to wait!" "I promise you, son." "When that telly comes out the other end, you're nicked!" "It's all right." "I always poo before I get up." "Dear, oh dear, what a boring man!" "That was really heavy, Rick!" "What's this? "It was the other three, not me..."" "Give me that!" "Oh, very nice, trying to blame us three and save yourself!" "It's all right, I'll tear it up!" "Disgusting!" "Ha ha ha ha!" "You bastard!" "I think it's the toaster for you!" "Burn!" "Brilliant!" "(HISSING)" "Amazing!" "The most crazy things happen in this nutty place!" "Sometimes, I really wish I was a fly on the wall." "I would too, if I wasn't one already." "Oh, who are you?" "We're just the fly-on-the-wall documentary film crew, OK, luv?" "We're making a film about what it's really like to be a fly on the wall." "The best thing is if you imagine we're not here." "Carry on with your normal business." "And, cue question markers." "What's it like being a fly on the wall?" "Oh, er, well...it's over-rated." "I'll tell you something really dirty... (SCREAMING)" "Pesky little things." "Why do you always let so many flies in here, Neil?" "!" "Never mind about that." "We should do something about this bomb." "I'm going to get the incredibly helpful Protect and Survive Manual." "Nobody better touch this while I'm gone." "Why won't it go off, Mike?" " Why do you want it to?" " Who can tell?" " I'm telling you to stop!" " Ignore him, he's trying to show off." "If we took this baby to the greengrocers, we'd leave with more than a packet of tea." "Are you suggesting we make a profit out of nuclear arms?" "Yes." "That would be fine behaviour for a Cliff Richard fan!" "For someone who thinks the lyrics of Devil Woman have something to say!" "If we sold this, you could buy Cliff Richard!" "Vyvyan, will you stop it!" "What I need is the drill, the hedge-trimmers and some ordinary household bleach." "I'm gonna tell Thatcher we've got a bomb and if she doesn't do something to help the kids by this afternoon... we're going to blow up England." "A social conscience is like a garden shed - you try and eat it, it'll stick in your throat." "Point one - abolish poverty." "Point two - abolish capitalism." "Point three" " Dexys Midnight Runners playing free daily in the university." "I told 'em to set up in the loo." "# Da-da-da-da-da da-da-da-da-doo" "# Da-da-da-da-da da-da-da-da-doo" "# Da-da-da-da-da da-da-da-da-doo" "# Da-da-da-da-da da-da-da-da-doo" "# Jackie Wilson said it was reet petite" "# I kind of love you, babe, It knocks me off my feet" "# Let it all come down" "# Oh, let it all come down" "# And you know, I'm so wired up" "# I don't need any more tea in my cup" "# Let it all come down" "# Oh, let it all come down" "Watch this." "# Toodle langa langa toodle langa I'm in heaven" "# Toodle langa langa toodle langa I'm in heaven" "# Toodle langa langa toodle langa langa" "# I'm in heaven" "# I'm in heaven" "# I'm in heaven" "# I'm in heaven" "# When you smile, when you smile" "# When you smile, when you smile" "# And when you walk across that street" "# It makes my heart go boom, boom, boom, boom" "# Every time I stop to think about it," "# Well, little child, you simply make my day" "# Let it all come down" "# Oh, let it all come down - watch this" "# Toodle langa langa toodle langa I'm in heaven" "# Toodle langa langa toodle langa I'm in heaven" "# Toodle langa langa toodle langa langa" "# I'm in heaven" "# I'm in heaven" "# I'm in heaven" "# I'm in heaven" "# When you smile, when you smile" "# I'm in heaven" "# I'm in heaven" "# I'm in heaven" "# When you smile, when you smile #" "Why won't you let me set off the bomb, you bastards?" "No, operator, Gaddafi." "G-A-D...yeah, all right, all right, I'll hang on." "Thatcher, Thatcher..." "Thatcher!" "Typical!" "She's got about 400 different phone numbers!" "Useless!" "Are you gonna be long?" "I want to start blackmailing Thatcher." "This is going to be bigger than the biggest thing you can think of." "I notice you haven't written the call down in the book." "That's interesting, isn't it?" "This book is for writing down the calls we make." "I suppose you forgot?" "How many other times did you conveniently forget?" "Rick, what are you on about, this is a payphone!" "Well, yes, but it's the principle of the thing..." "Look at that." "What do you mean you haven't got the Libyan phone book?" "You're sick!" "If people weren't sick, we wouldn't need penicillin." "I'm going to the phone box..." "Neil, could you lend me five..." "What are you doing?" "Painting myself white to deflect the blast." "That's great, isn't it?" "Racial discrimination, even in death!" " What are these?" " Sandbags" " Give me 5p, Neil." " Oh, you remember my name now!" "Give me it!" "Have you got two 2s and a 1?" " Er, no, I haven't" " How do I know I'll get it back?" "I don't wanna seem like a really heavy bread head..." "But, like...5p is 5p." "It's important to me, that's enough!" "You're putting me in a difficult situation." "I'd like to..." "All right, Neil, shut up." "Will you lend it to me...if I promise to be your slave tomorrow?" "Yeah, that sounds like a good deal." "Tough luck, buster!" "I had my fingers crossed behind my back!" "I won't say anything 'cause no one listens to me." "I might as well be a Leonard Cohen record." "You're sending someone round?" "Right." " All right?" " Reggie Balowski!" "All right, me old trout and toolbox?" "Reggie Balowski, arms dealer, scrap merchant and cabaret chanteuse." "Is that the atom bomb, eh?" "Ooh, nah!" "Not in that colour, know what I mean?" "To me, that's worth a pony, y'know." "Coupla tortoises at the most." "If you was doin' part-ex on a Mini Metro..." "I'd take about nine million off yer 'ands but I can't help you." "I got a few minutes, might as well indulge in a bit of Cockney patois." "Cor blimey, knock it on the 'ead, do what, as it 'appens!" "Terrific!" "'Ere, didn't you kill my brother?" "Nah, must've been me, then, sorry." "Seen them inflatable bridges?" "Amazing!" "Skateboards, thing of the past!" "Do leave off, knock it on the 'ead, I don't know who I am!" "Laugh?" "I nearly went to Ethiopia!" "Second-class, of course!" "Know what I mean?" "Not really, no." "You're a right little five-speed gearbox!" "Tell you what, come outside, I'll do you part-ex on a Reliant." "All right, I'll just get me coat." "That's a three-wheeler, innit?" "(REGGIE) Usually, yeah, yeah." "You know who'll get blamed for this?" "The kids!" "Good!" "That'll stop them raping old ladies!" "Oh, hi, there!" "Glad you could make it." "I'll be with you in just one moment." "(LOUD CANNED LAUGHTER)" "Oh, darn, you should've been here earlier!" "I holed in one!" "Mind you, I was playing pinball in the clubhouse!" "(CANNED LAUGHTER)" " You see where my ball went?" " Oh, here comes trouble!" "Chinese food, huh?" "Hey, Dino!" "Dicky!" "I haven't seen this guy since rehearsal!" "Hey, I didn't know you'd taken up golf!" "My coach says I haven't." " Yet!" " You got a coach?" "Frank, pull me up!" "Oh, come on, Dickie, are we gonna play golf or who?" "Hey, sieg heil!" "Hey, Marsha, take a hike!" "I gotta tell you this, Dickie..." "I was with Bob and Frank the other day..." " I got a birdie on the 14th." " Well, why, Dino that's terrific!" "Yeah." "But I was driving for the tenth!" "Remember that song you used to sing before you got shot in the neck?" "You wanna sing that here, on my show?" "Dino, I'd love to but..." "I never sing in slacks." "No problem." "With a little Dino magic..." "How does he do that?" "Hey, Dino, I understand you have a dog." " That is right." " What do you do with him these days?" "# I'm tying' my dog to the railroad track" "# Choo-choo train's gonna break his back" " # We used to call him Spot - # Ye-heh but now he's called Splat!" "# That's the kind of person we are" "# Oh, baby, won't ya come home with me?" "#" "(APPLAUSE)" "(RECEPTIONIST) Next, please." "Typical!" "Come on!" "There's other people in this queue!" "The service here gets worse and worse, don't you think?" "Aye, lad, things were different before these new-fangled changes." " Of course, you senile old git!" " I was only agreeing with you..." "Yes, I suppose things were marvellous in the good old days (!" ")" "Four-year-old kiddies digging coal." "Three-year-old kiddies...also digging..." "I suppose you think that was terrific!" "I think old people are really boring!" "And the only reason you don't understand our music is that you don't like it!" "It's no wonder the country is in such a state!" "Why not hand the whole place over to Oxfam?" "It's all scroungers and old people!" "All clutching their Giros trying to get something for nothing." "The Post Office is good at handing out other people's money!" "No wonder my grant's so small!" "There'll soon be rows of Biafran children queuing up for bowls of millet before they become Communists!" " Excuse me!" "Hello." " Can I help you?" "That depends what I want!" "Ha!" "Completely over her head." "I want to send a telegram!" "If you fill this in, I can serve the gentleman behind you." " Wait!" "He's behind me!" " Yes, but you've..." "I had to wait." "Why can't he?" " I just want to hand that in..." " Wait a minute!" "I won't be long." ""Thatcher, we've got a bomb..." (RECEPTIONIST COUGHS)" "Do you mind?" "I'm trying to write." ""Do what we want or we'll blow it up."" ""Signed, Anon." Huh!" "See?" "Didn't take very long." " Name and address, dear." " You put them on!" "Rick, 15 Credibility Street." "That's Rick..." " Wick?" " Forget it, put Neil." "Yes, put Neil!" "It's my surname." "OK, Mr Neil, thanks." "By the way, you're in the wrong place." "This is the DHSS." "If you want to send a telegram," " go to the Post Office." " FASCIST!" "OK, Neil...where's the table?" "Oh, hi, Mike." "You got the provisions?" "Great." "John Lennon once said, "A man with an armful of takeaways" ""is either very hungry or knows someone who's very hungry."" "Mike says a man with both arms full has warm grease running up both sleeves." "I've been trying to sell our bomb to all the undercover agents in town." "The CIA are interested...the Mafia's interested... and the Chinese are keen." "Not on the roof, man!" "Put it in the food zone." "It's got to be tinned to last ten years of fallout." "I'm expecting the world to start bidding any second." "They'd better hurry up, 'cause Vyvyan's escaped." "Missed!" "Well, that's that done!" "This time tomorrow, there'll be no more social prejudice or hatred!" "Get up, Neil, I hate you!" " Done what?" " Yeah, done what, hippie?" "Told Thatcher about our bomb, you bunch of lavatory bowls!" " I'm dealing with the bomb." " You?" "You hypocritical Nazi!" " Oh, shut up!" " Shut up yourself." "The whole thing's... (LOUD TICKING)" "(NEIL) Oh, no!" " This could be very heavy for all of us." " What are we gonna do, Mike?" "Mike stays steady as a rock while all around him is chaos." "He checks his reflection." "That's good." "That's very good." "That's the only way to go." "I hope this isn't a dud." "I know!" "Drape Neil over it!" "It might cover up the blast!" "No time!" "Under the shelter!" "I've got a gun and I'm not afraid to use it!" "(ALL SHOUT)" """Up, up, and awayI"""