"to a dreadful dynasty of vicious vampire ducks." "The Counts of Duckula!" "Legend has it that these fowl beings can be destroyed... by a stake through the heart or exposure to sunlight." "This does not suffice, however... for they may be brought back to life... by means of a sacred rite... that can be performed once a century... when the moon is in the eighth house of Aquarius!" " Batswing blood." " I'll get it!" "The latest reincarnation did not run according to plan." "Ooh!" "In the heart of Transylvania" "In the Vampire Hall of Fame, yeah" "There's not a vampire zanier than" "Duckula" "He won't bite beast or man" "'Cause he's a vegetarian" "And things never run to plan for" "Duckula" "If you're lookin' for some fun" "You can always count upon" "The wild and wacky one they call" "Duckula" "Heh heh!" "Count Duckula!" "Heh heh heh!" "In the gray off-season drizzle... the sunless sands of Cactus Beach... await the bargain price holiday maker." "A lonely figure makes his weary way to Hardluck Hotel." "No cab at the station." "No buses, even." "Ah, Hardluck Hotel." "Oh, all right." "Ardluck Hotel, as Nanny would say." "Gee, I haven't been here five minutes... and already I'm thinking of Nanny." "Well, Nanny and Igor don't know where I am... so I can look forward to a weekend of luxury without them." "Yes?" "What do you want?" "I have a reservation." "Oh, you're a guest?" "Ah." "Yes, here we are." "Mr..." "Mr. Duckula?" "Oh, you're on our special economy money-saving weekend." "Room only." "There's not much profit in that for us, you know." "Look, do you mind hurrying a little?" "I am soaking wet." "Really?" "Wet on a stormy night." "You amaze me." "Right, you're in room 1313, top floor." "Right, thank you." "May I have my key?" " You won't need one." " Oh, really?" "How's that?" "There's no lock on room 1313." "Oh." "How very labor-saving." "OK, so, where's the elevator?" "In the basement." "It stopped there at the turn of the century... and we haven't had time to service it yet." "I see." "How about some help with my luggage?" "No bellboy at the moment, sir." "But we are interviewing in the near future." "Lot of good that'll do me." "Pop up to your room now, sir." "You're making the foyer look untidy with that puddle around you." "Breakfast sharp at 6 A.M." "Oh, so early?" "Oh, yes, sir." "Chef likes to get rid of..." "Well, he likes to have the Economy Class breakfast... out of the way before the Super Luxury Weekend guests come down." "Oh, I am a vegetarian, by the way." "Really?" "I should see a doctor." "They can do marvelous things these days." "Thank you." "Yes?" "My... my room's... empty." "Oh, you want to share a room?" "Yes..." "No." "No, I mean, it hasn't any furniture in it." "I mean, like, it hasn't got anything in it." "Yes, well you were told it was room only." "Now, look here, I've had about enough." "I not only have to carry my own cases up 13 flights of stairs... but when I get there, there's no wardrobe... no carpet, no shower, and no bed... and no, I'm not standing for it." "Do you wish to make a complaint?" "A complaint?" "What do you think that was, huh?" "Yes, I wish to make a complaint!" "Hear that, Grinder?" "A complaint!" "Ah, Mr. Grinder..." "your Complaints Department, eh?" "He gets very upset when anyone has any complaints." "I mean, does he really?" "Does he... does he..." "does he do anything about it?" "Oh, yes." "He eliminates the problem." "Oh, good." "You mean he puts it right?" " No, he eats the guest." " Oh, he eats the guest." "He eats the..." "Well, I think I'll go and settle in." "Room 1313, wasn't it?" "Good night, all." "What am I gonna do?" "I can't go back to the castle yet." "I mean, Igor would have the laugh on me for forever and a day." "Hot water bottle, lucky rabbit's foot... moonglasses, surfboard..." "Do you really need all that, Nanny?" "We're only going away for the weekend." "Yes." "Nanny, this could be the very place." "Oh, I won't be needing this, then... and we won't have any traveling to do." "Of course we'll have traveling to do." " How else are we to get there?" " Where?" " To the hotel." " You said it was here." " I did not." " Ooh, you fibber." "You said, "This is the very place."" " Not this." "This." " Pardon?" "Oh, never mind, Nanny." "Never mind." "I mean that I have found the most run-down, despairing... gloomy and sinister hotel... that anyone in his right mind could ever wish for." "Oh, that's nice." "Indeed it is." "Hardluck Hotel, here we come." "Yes?" "Yes." "I'm checking out." "In fact, I'm nearly passing out." "I mean, those were the worst floorboards I've ever slept on." "And the varnish hasn't been changed for months." "Want to make a complaint?" " Where's Grinder?" " Right here." "No, no complaint." "No complaints." "Nothing at all, no." "Just give me the bill and the paper." "Have you got the Transylvania Morning Sun?" "There you are." "Ah, thank you." "Here's 25 drachmas." "Is that enough?" "25..." "Sir is impecunious." "Yes, aren't I?" "Is that an insult?" "The Transylvanian drachma is practically worthless." "Oh." "Well, 50 drachmas, then." "Will that buy me a paper?" "How much do you have in total?" "Well, let me see." "About 10,000." "Enough for a good weekend, huh?" "Not even enough for the morning paper." "Oh." "Well, in that case, just stick it on my bill." "Oh, thank you." ""Transylvanian drachma crashes." What does that mean?" "I means your drachmas are not worth... the recycled bicycle clips they're made of." " They're not?" " Listen to this." ""Value of Transylvanian drachma falls 100%."" "Oh, dear." "That means I'll have to cut my stay in your luxurious hotel short." "What a shame." "I'll just have to leave Hardluck Hotel." "Oh, no, you won't." "You've not paid for last night's accommodation... and we're not accepting your worthless currency." "Well, what am I supposed to do?" "You'll just have to work it off." "Just a minute." "Look, I'm a count... and I stand for nothing." "Wrong." "You stand at the sink and count for nothing." " Oh, yeah?" " Oh, yeah." "Oh, yeah?" "Oh, yeah." "Well, well, well." "Hello, soap suds, here I come." "Gee, this is gonna take forever." "Maybe that's why they say "Where there's life there's soap."" "Ah, here at last, and in perfect holiday weather." "I'm soaked." "Me feathers are sticking to me back." "Exactly." "Look at it..." "ragged cloud, sinister moon... dark, damp and dreary." "And if it's this good now... think what it will be like when nighttime comes." "Um, think..." "Or in your case, Nanny, wait and see." "Come, Nanny." "Very well, Mr. Igor." "Oh, I just hopes my little Duckypoos ain't in an awful place like this." "You know, Dimitri, this empty castle gives me the shivers." "Every time I close my eyes, I see little green monsters." "Have you seen a psychiatrist, Sviatoslav?" "Not yet, thank heavens." "Just the little green monsters." "Not finished yet?" "You're kidding." "Well, leave those." "Oh, thank you, thank you." "And take supper to our important guests... in the Louis Quatermass Suite." "Don't you mean the Louis Quatorze Suite?" "If you'd seen it, you wouldn't ask." "Oh, nice." "OK, where's the supper?" " Chef hasn't cooked it yet." " Where's the chef?" "He's just finished washing up." "No, I've just finished..." "Hey, you're not trying to tell me..." "For sir, one rancid steak on moldy bread... with a green slime sandwich... and the lady wants a peanut butter sandwich... with custard and a cherry on top." "That's just what Nanny used to like." "Oh, Nanny..." "why did I ever leave you?" "Jump to it, chef." "Grinder is getting restless." "Yes, sir." "Sorry, sir." "And then, bellboy, take the food up there... hoovering the stairs as you go, chambermaid... before returning, washer-upper, to your duties." "Oh, well, a change is as good as a rest." "And, boy, do I need a rest." "Come to that, do I need some change... about three million drachmas worth." "OK, here we go." "One rancid steak with soap suds and a slice of carpet." "Peanut butter the stairs and..." "And throw the Hoover into the custard... wash the bread, slice the cherries." "Drink the soap suds, hoover the slime... put the carpet in the bread bin... wash the floor with the custard, and that's it." " Room service, sir." " Entré." "Yes, sir." "One meal on tray." "Oh, I see." "I'll put the light on." "Now, where's the..." " No!" " Pardon me?" "No light." "And close the door." "Close the..." "But it's dark in here." "Deliciously dark." "Close the door." "Yes, sir." "Sorry, sir." "That's better." "Wonderfully gloomy." "You know, you remind me of someone I know." "I can hear the mold growing in the dark... and the rising damp climbing up the bed leg." "Listen, let me give you your sandwich and go." " Bring it over here." " Certainly." "Where's over here?" "Just to the left of over there." "Oh, right." "No, that's the coffee table." "More to the right." "Yes, OK, OK." "Don't worry, I'Il..." "And that's the washbasin." "Ah, you found the wardrobe." "Two paces to the left, and... ah, got it." "You may go." " Thank goodness." " Don't say that!" "It reminds me of someone I know." "Oh, sorry, sir." "Sorry, sir." "Good night." "Good night, wardrobe." "Good night, washbasin." "Good night, coffee table." "Oh, my shins, my ribs." "Oh, my beak." "Here, my sandwich." "Yes, madam, I'm just coming!" "Hello, madam." "I can't get in." "You can't come in." "I've taken me beak out and got me feathers in rollers." "Just put it on the floor." "Has it got cherries on it?" "No, it's got roses on it and gravy stains." " I ordered cherries." " Oh, the sandwich." "Sorry, I thought you meant the carpet." "I didn't order no carpet." "No, I know, madam." "I meant..." "Phew, she's nearly as stupid as Nanny." "Oh, dear old Nanny." "Oh, if only she was here." " Here." " Yes, here." "I mean, yes." "I could do with a mug of cocoa as well." "I can't sleep without a mug of cocoa." "What, now?" "But it's 2:45." "I don't care what it costs." "I want one." "Oh, she is as stupid as Nanny." "All right, madam." "I'll see if chef can make you a mug of cocoa." "Oh, hi there, chef." "What ya want?" "Lady in the Quatermass Suite wants a mug of cocoa." "Forget it." "Forget it?" "I'm off duty as from now." "What about the washer-up?" "He's off duty, too." "Well, that makes three of us, so this is good night." "Good night." "Good night." "Did you hear something?" "Like what?" "Like that." "Oh, it's all right." "It's good old Grinder." "Right, chef, cocoa for the lady in the Quatermass Suite." "It'll be a pleasure." "One cocoa." "Thank you, thank you." "Here I go." "Hello?" "Cocoa." "Hey, she can't go to sleep without her cocoa." "You know, chef?" "So I heard." "Good morning, Your Walletfulness." "Oh, and you too, madam, of course." "Two of our Extra Revolting Luxe de Luxe More Than A Bit Off breakfasts... is it, Your Creditworthiness?" "That would be very nice, my dear." "And I'll have the chef... put two specially bad eggs on your plate, shall I?" "That'll bring the color to your cheeks, you villain you." "Thank you." "That young lady would make a lovely breakfast." "Oh, no, silly." "The cook makes the breakfast." "I mean a lovely vampire's breakfast, Nanny." "What's more, I think she likes me." "She's a flibbertigibbet, that's what she is." "Ah, gibbets." "Now, there's something I really like." "Yeah." "Makes lovely soup, don't they?" "Soup?" "Soup?" "Not giblets, Nanny." "Gibbets." "Tut!" "Brain giving breakfast a miss this morning, is it?" "There's no need to be rude." "I didn't sleep well." "I was dreaming about my little Duckypoos all night." "Oh, don't worry about your little Duckyp... about the master." "He'll be having more breakfast than he can cope with." "Two full Extra Revolting Luxe de Luxe More Than a Bit Off breakfasts, chef." "One with bad eggs on the side." "They're for the Quatermass duo, so make it snappy." "Snappy I can't make." "I was up till 3:00 in the morning looking after that pair." "That pair." "Listen, Dogsbody, I reckon that guy's some sort of an English lord." "He calls the old dame Nanny." "Nanny?" "Oh, I have a Nanny, too." " You?" " Yes, me." "And if Nanny was here now, she'd have me out of this place like a shot." "I can't take a duck with delusions." "Now, close your mouth and open the oven." "Oh, such a pleasant girl." "And so demonstrative." " Dogsbody." " Duckula." "Morning coffee for the Quatermass pair." " They're in the lounge." " OK, all right." "Ah, coffee." "Sleeping on the job, eh, Dogsbody?" "The name, once and for all, is Duckula." "But you can call me Dogsbody if you like." " May I lick your boots?" " Later, later." "It's Saturday." "Oh, do I lick them earlier, Monday through Friday?" "And on Saturdays, we have a cabaret." "11:30 in the lounge." "You will be there." " Hey, thank you." " In fact, you will be it." "Oh, that's all..." "Pardon me?" "The Great Ostriccini, celebrated illusionist... should have been star of the show." "He's vanished." "Ooh, well, that's some illusion." "So the Great Duckerooni will take his place." "Oh, so you don't need me?" "We do need you." "You are the Great Duckerooni." "Hey, but I can't do magic." "You will be wonderful." "I will be terrible." "I will be simply terrific." "I knew you had it in you, and if you want to keep it in you... be good." "Be very, very good." "And now, ladies and gentlemen... the climax of the Hardluck Hotel Spectacular." "Here, fresh from his many triumphant nights on the boards... regardless of expense, good is not the word for him... what can I say?" "The Great Duckerooni." "Yes, good evening, good evening and... especially good evening." "Oh, Mr. Igor, it's a magician." "I loves good magician, don't you?" "A mortician is much more fun." "For my first trick..." "I shall demonstrate my amazing, mind-reading powers... with the help of my beautiful assistant, Princess Gloriana." "Princess Gloriana!" "Thank you, Princess Gloriana." "Now, will you, my dear... select a lady and a gentleman from the audience to assist me?" "Indeed I will." "I select you." "Me?" "Very well." "If you insist, my dear." "Come along, Nanny." "Now, ladies and gentlemen..." "I've never seen these good people before in my life." "Will you confirm, sir and madam, that I have never... that I..." "I..." "Ay-ay-ay." "Igor!" "Nanny!" "Oh, bless us!" "What a mind-reader, Mr. Igor." "He's got our names right off." "What are you doing at the Hardluck Hotel?" "And he's got the name of the hotel and all." "It's me, Nanny!" "No, I'm Nanny." "You're The Great Duckerooni." "No, it's me, me, me!" "Ohh, Duckypoos!" "Oh, do come out, Master Duckula." "Nanny's got a chocolate carrot for you." "Go away." "I am not coming out." "I am totally, totally humiliated." "Count Duckula... and I've spent all week running around... after my own butler and Nanny." "I'll be..." "I'll be a laughingstock." "I shan't breathe a word about it, milord." "You won't breathe at all, if I come out there!" "But we're going in a minute." "Oh, come on out and Nanny'll give you a drachma... for a broccoli lollipop." "Keep your lollipop and you keep your..." "Drachmas?" "You're paying the bill in drachmas?" "In Transylvanian drachmas?" "Yes." "OK, I'll be right down." "Oh, there's a good duck." "This I got to see." "Poor fools." "Wait till they try to pay." "Here you are, sir." "Your bill." "Oh, dear." "It's got numbers on it." "I can't do numbers." "As long as she can do the washing up." "Yes, that's fine." "Here we go." "Just wait for it." "Thank you, sir, madam." "May I say what a pleasure it has been to have you stay here?" "Hey, hey, hey!" "Hey, what gives here?" "They've just paid you in Transylvanian drachmas." " So?" " But they're worthless." "Worthless?" "Have you seen this morning's financial pages?" ""Drachma Bonanza." "Transylvania drachma up 100%."" " Hey, that's great." " Great?" "Yes, great." "My money's worth 100 times what it was worth... when it was worth more than it was worth." "Oh, no." "Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!" "Why are you so upset?" "You're in the money again." "But I swapped all my drachmas for a bag of jellybeans... from one of the guest's kids." "I thought it was a bargain!" "No financial wizard are you, milord?" "Ah, so you'll be staying till the end of the week to clear your debt." "Oh, no!" "Here, I've had a thought." "Oh, yes?" "If our money's doubled in value..." "Yes, Nanny?" "Yes?" "Mr. Igor and I can stay on with you till the end of the week." "Nanny..." "you're a ninny, Nanny." "A privilege to accommodate you, madam and sir." "You... mend the guests, sweep the roof, cook the shoes... and polish the goose, scrub the gardens, and mow the floor... brew the silver, and clean the tea..." "And so, as the golden sun rises slowly over the hills... and Count Duckula's heart sinks into his boots... we say farewell to this lovely resort... its playgrounds, its pleasure beaches... luxury hotels... and, oh... good night out there, whatever you are." "If you're feeling..." "Or you're kind of..." "Could be you've met up with" "Duckula" "If your knees go..." "And your teeth go..." "Maybe you've bumped into" "Duckula" "He flies through the night" "Looking for a bite" "But he's back home by daylight" "Duckula" "If you're sort of..." "Or you're a little..." "It's certain you've run into" "Duckula" "If your heart goes..." "Or your mind goes..." "Man, you had a brush with" "Duckula" "So watch out for the..." "Beware of the..." "And pray you'll never meet with" "Duckula" "Count Duckula"