"Oi!" "Hey." "Hold on..." "You all right?" " You are David, right?" " Yeah." "Yes, I'm David." "Oh, good." "I'm Ellie, obviously." "Hiya." "You're a lot taller in person, aren't you?" "Er, I dunno." "Is that a question?" "Well, I phrased it like a compliment but it's really just a statement." "What?" "I'm sorry." "I know this is incredibly rude - can you just remind me of how old you are again?" "Why?" "Honestly?" "I..." "I thought you'd be a lot older." "I know, right?" "It's this baby face - gets ID'd all the time." "It's a curse and a blessing." "Do you want to see my ID?" "Oh, no, no, no." "I just thought you'd look a bit older, that's all." "I know I look about 15 now but, if this works out, you should know that by the time I'm 30, 35," "I should have the porcelain skin of a sun-starved Icelandic orphan, so..." "lucky!" "Yeah." "Don't-don't look at the picture there, it's a really unflattering photo." "I had it done before GHDs was a thing." "Suave jacket, mister." "Oh, thanks." "LL Bean, right?" "Er, I don't know." "Is that good?" "Oh, their vintage stuff is amazing." "Did you get it from the '70s?" "Oh, no, no, no." "It's new." "It's new." "Um..." "My sister got it for me for my birthday." "When?" "Today." "Today?" "Yeah." " It's your birthday today?" "!" " Yeah." "And you're spending it with me?" "That's so sad." "Sorry, I didn't mean..." "I meant..." "I meant we should go and celebrate." " You pick the place, obviously." " Me?" "Oh, um..." "David!" "It's your day of birth." "That means today belongs to you." "We can go anywhere you want." "We can go to the Shard." "We can go skydiving." " We can go on a murder spree if you want." " Well, no." "Um..." "Where do you want to go?" "I'm just..." "Where's your favourite place in the whole world?" "Um..." "Er, Marrakesh." "What?" "Really?" "Yeah, it's nice." "When did you go?" "Oh, it was a while ago." "We can't really go now, can we?" "Well, no, I didn't mean that." "Nice in here, innit?" "Yeah, it's cool." "It's funky." "Do people still say funky?" "Ironically, maybe." "Yeah." "My dad says it all the time." "That's not good." "How you doing?" "Welcome to Hollywoodland." "My name's George and, er, I'm going to be your server tonight." "Do you want to take our order or...?" "Yes!" "Yeah?" "Yeah." "Sorry." "It's-it's my first day." "Oh, right." "Don't worry about it, mate, it's fine." "Er, now what can I get you?" "Um, yeah, do you want to...?" "Can I have the Classic American, onion fries and a large White Russian, please?" "White..." "Russian." "You sure?" "Yeah." "It's delicious." "But don't mix milk and vodka thinking it tastes the same, cos it does not." "Er... and for you, sir?" "Er..." "I don't know." "Get the barbecue baby back ribs." "You'll want the full rack." "Not half." "That's cool cos you can handle it." "I will have the full rack of baby back ribs then, please." "Ribs." "And to drink?" "Just a beer, thanks." "OK." "All right, then." "Cheers." "Thanks." "Thank you very much." "That was a bit weird, wasn't it?" "What was he sitting next to me for?" "Anyway, do you Hollywoodland it with all your internet girls?" "No." "Well, yeah, only special ones." "So, what do you do in the real world?" "What, my job?" "Um, I'm a driver." "All right, Ryan Gosling." "Keep it vague!" "What do you drive then, Driver Dave?" "I just-just drive lorries, really." "You're a trucker?" "Yeah, yeah, like a trucker." "Yeah." "Mm." "What?" "Nothing." "Go on - what?" "I know what you're going to say, so say it." "All right, how many prostitutes have you murdered?" "I lose count." "Yeah, I'll bet." "Yeah, it's just hazards of the trade, you know?" "Got to be done." "Er, what-what-what do you do?" "Sorry." "So there's a White Russian." "Thank you." "And there's a beer for you." "Thank you, mate." "Cheers." "Thank you." "Sorry, yeah, go on - what do you do?" "Well, until recently, I was employed in the transitional world of media..." "Sounds exciting" "Like the movies?" "Oh, yeah?" "So, what, you're going to try and stay in that field?" "No, they closed down Blockbusters." "Right." "Yeah." "Have you got anything else in the pipeline?" "Oh, God, no." "OK." "I have handed my CV out, though, all over the internet and I just get feedback, like, saying I'm over-qualified or I'm too creative." "It's like I'm literally too smart for minimum wage." " Yeah, well, aren't we all?" " I know." "It's great and everything, but I've got to pay this thing called council tax." "I've got like two weeks left on my lease, so it's not that I'm desperate, but I've had to modify my CV to a blank piece of paper saying, "I clean," written again and again in marker pen." " I'm sure something will come up." " I do do other things with my time, though." "I'm doing a collection of, like, William Blake-style lithographs depicting my entire sexual history, but on Tumblr." "Wh-what's that?" "It's like a blog." "Oh, right." "It's just an ironic gesture of how romance is outdated." "I haven't really worked it out yet." "Well, you will." "You will." "Mm." "Thank you very much." "Cheers, pal." "Ooh, yeah." "So." "You never told me how old you were, birthday boy." "Well, birthday man." "Man." "I am." "Um..." "Go on, you can guess." "Go on." "30... 8?" "38!" "I'm 34." "Yeah, 34 - right!" "I'm 34." "Oh." "I'm so sorry." "I..." "No, it's all right." "It's all right." "I'll live." "You know..." "No." "Sod it, no. 38?" "Well... 38!" "?" " I dunno." "I think it's your eyes." " What's wrong with my eyes?" "Well, nothing." "They just make you look... distinguished." "Distinguished." "Right." " Yeah." "Like an expensive coffee table." " Ooh, cheers!" "I said expensive." "Yeah." "Oh, thank you." "So, what does it feel like, then?" "Does what feel like?" "34." "Surprisingly similar to 33." "And what's that feel like?" "Shit." "Yeah." "Oh." "It's not that bad - 34's a great age." "Lots of people are 34." "Like who?" "Um..." "Fassbender." "Who?" "De Niro was 34 when he made the film Taxi Driver." "Robbie Williams was mental." "Jesus - he was at his peak at 34." "No, he wasn't." "Yeah, he was." "Why not?" "They crucified him." "Oh, I forgot about that." "Oh..." "Ellie?" "!" "Oh, shit." " Oh, my God!" "Where have you been all my life?" " Hi." " Oh, my God." "Um... why are you here?" " I've missed you so much." "Have you?" "You didn't call." "Oh, you know" " I get busy." "Anyway, how the fuck are you?" "Um, well, um..." "I'm not sucking dick for money yet, so I guess I'm doing all right." "I don't get it." "How are you, anyway?" "Are you fine?" "Yeah, I'm great." "Just great." "Great." "Um, you look good." "Ah, that's probably because I'm so skinny now." "Right." "Um, have you lost weight?" "I dunno, I don't really pay attention to that kind of stuff." "Although I have been really stressed since this whole recession thingy." "Everyone is so moody." "Times are hard." "I know, right?" "I'm so glad it's over now." "You know, it's weird." "You know when you dropped out of sixth form last year?" "There was this massive rumour doing the rounds that you were..." "You know..." "You thought I..." "Vera Draked?" "Well, everyone kinda did in an unspoken Facebook kind of way." "So what are you doing now?" "Working?" "Uni?" "Um." "No." "I'm-I'm currently on a gap year." "Gap year from what?" "Hi." "Hiya." "You all right?" "Oh, my God." "Is this a date?" "Ellie, are you dating?" "Yeah, so?" "Aww." "When did you get together?" "Oh, it was quite recently, actually." "Aww." "Well, I'm so glad you have someone." "Thanks." "So give me a call sometime." "Maybe we'll do something." "Sure." " Bye." " Bye." "Was that Ellie that dropped out?" "I can't believe she thought I thought I had a baby scrape and she didn't even tweet me." "You're not 25, are you?" "Um..." "I'm in my 20s." "How old are you?" "19." "What?" "Is there like a special category that you women look for to find mugs like me?" "No." "No?" "It's internet dating, what did you expect?" "Dunno." "I thought you were..." "Well, not different." "I thought you were..." "I thought you were nice." "I am nice!" "Right." "So why lie?" "Well, I didn't..." "I just put my profile up as a social experiment and when I read your bio, saying how you love James Bond movies and you listen to Queen, I thought, "Who'd be cool to hang around with?" ""David." So what was I supposed to do?" "Be honest!" "I have been honest, this whole time." "All right, OK, I just white-lied about my age but..." "As you can see, I'm really embarrassed about this, so why are you making this an ordeal?" "Ellie..." "I've just turned 34." "Right?" "I've got kids." "You've got kids?" "Yeah." "But you didn't put that on your profile." " No, I didn't, no..." " Well, why not?" "Because I just..." "Because you wanted to lie." "Don't do that." "Don't-don't do that." "Well, I don't know if you've noticed but I'm pretty mature for my age." "Look how chilled I am about the whole daddy thing..." "Ellie, listen." "I think this has been a mistake." "I can't date someone 15 years younger than me." "OK, OK." "Look, all right, I know this is a test of character and I've failed massively, but we don't even have to date." "We can just be two people meeting." "Like friends." "I don't want to be your friend." "You don't want to be my friend?" "I'm sorry." "All right, I'm sorry." "Please don't go." "Sorry." "♪ Doo-doo, doo-doo" "♪ And happy, happy birthday" "♪ To someone that is you" "♪ Doo-doo, doo-doo" "♪ Happy, happy birthday" "♪ Tell us, how old are you?" "♪" "How old are you?" "Um, I'm, er..." "I'm 34." "♪ Doo-doo, doo-doo" "♪ And happy, happy birthday" "♪ You've finally hit 34" "♪ Ooooh" "♪ Doo-doo, doo-doo" "♪ Happy, happy birthday" "♪ It's only one year more!" "♪" "That is so lame." "Thank you." "Do you want another drink?" "No, no, no, no..." "No, I think I'm going to go." "Go?" "You're supposed to be on a date with me." "Where you going to go?" " Excuse me." " Yeah." " Could we get two more of these, please?" " Of course." "All right, I'll just have one and then..." "Then, that's it, all right?" "Look, I'm aware that this Hindenburg of a date is crashing into flames, but maybe if we keep talking, everything in the world will be all right." "Oh..." "You don't make this easy, do you?" "Why did you start Internet dating?" "Because er... because I was lonely." "How long you been in the game?" "Few months." "Erm, yeah, I've only started meeting people in the last couple of weeks." "People?" "People, yeah." "Women..." "Wow, plural." "Yes, plural." "A plethora of dates." "With women?" "Yeah, of course with women, yeah..." "Well a..." "A woman." "What was her name?" "It was Mia." "How was it?" "You want me to tell you how my date went with another woman?" "Yeah, why not?" "We're both adults here." "Plus who else you going to tell?" "My sister?" "It's true, actually." "Oh..." "You know it was, er..." "It was..." "Well, it was, it was, you know, different." "Good different, bad different?" "Just different." "But...?" "Why... why do you assume there's a "but"?" "Oh!" "It was, erm..." "Yeah, I wanted to see her again, but I guess she didn't fancy it." "And that's it." "That's it." "Ah, thank you." "Thanks." "Yeah, that's it." "What does she do for a living?" "I don't know." "You don't know?" "Well, what was her last name?" "I suppose she just... you know, she values her privacy." "Erm..." "I..." "I, I thought it was right, but, you know, it was wrong and, you know..." "That's that, you know." "I've drawn a line under it." "It's finished, it's over." "Was she beautiful?" "Does it matter?" "I don't know, does it?" "Well..." "Well, I suppose I'm more focused on the beauty on the inside." "All right." "Sure." "Yeah." "Exactly." "Oh, dear." "I was just making conversation." "I'm just going for a pee." "Are you coming back?" "I've been thinking, and this, surprisingly, wasn't awful." "You know, I mean, I've had better times but, you know, it's, it's been... it's been nice, it has, but, you know, I am going to have to go." "Is that all right?" "Sorry." "You are such a hypocrite." "What?" "Ellie." "Ellie!" "Hey!" "What was that?" "Did you answer it?" "What?" "Your phone, did you answer it?" "No." "Well, why not?" "Why do you care?" "I don't know, maybe because I'm nice." "What you talking about?" "Well, I was just trying to fix it." "Fix?" "What have you fixed?" ""Go fuck yourself"?" "!" "Yeah." ""Go fuck yourself."" "Well, it's confrontational and flirtatious." "She'll totally get it." "What is wrong with you?" " Nothing is wrong with me." " Seriously?" "All right, in hindsight, I might have over-stepped my bounds a tad." "Oh, you think!" "Whatever epic romance you two had was long dead before I arrived." "So... now, you've got a way back in or a satisfactory "Fuck You"." "Either way, you've got her attention and that's what you wanted, right?" "Yeah, well done." "I've totally fucked this, haven't I?" "Yeah, it's not gone well, has it?" "No, not really." "Well, I'm just going to go, all right?" "Well, I'm sorry I ruined your birthday." "There was nothing to ruin." "Believe me." "Or... we could resign ourselves to the fact this is a pissing train wreck and we're both having an awful time, so we might as well stay out." "What else are you going do?" "Come on." "Woohoo!" "Where are you going?" "Well, come on then!" "Slow coach!" "Ellie!" "God, hurry up!" "What you doing?" "Jesus Chri..." "You're acting old now, David." " Are you mad?" " What?" "It's raining." "Yeah." "Yeah, let's go and get coffee somewhere." "Sit inside or something." "David, you're acting like you're 38 now." "Well, let's sit on a bench or something." "Well, this is a bench." "That's not a bench." "That's a bench." "There..." "I'm not climbing that." "Come on!" "It's your birthday." "Stop being so boring." "There's something wrong with you, you know." "Right." "Don't laugh!" "Are you on now, yeah?" "Oh, yeah, I'm on." "No!" "Don't, don't shake it." "You scared me to death." "Oh..." "Ah, that's better." "Yeah." "It's all right, actually." "What are you doing?" "I'm looking." "What you looking at?" "I don't know." "It's what they do in the films, isn't it?" "I suppose." "It's quite nice, actually." "Happy birthday." "Thank you!" "No, sorry." "Ellie, I'm sorry." "I shouldn't have done that." "I'm sorry, it's just..." "I know..." "No, no, no." "I've had a really good time with you, I have." "I just..." "I said I know." "Sorry, kid." "Come on." "Let's sort you out." "Hey?" "Come on." "Oh, shit, you're sexy." "Have I come at a bad time?" "Have you come to apologise?" "So you definitely got the message then?" "No shit." "Who's this?" "Ellie." "Yeah, we've just been on a date." "Oh, good for you." "Well, I took him out for his birthday." "Oh, isn't that nice!" "Yeah." "Anyway, erm, yeah..." "I just thought I would put the message into context and, basically, tell you to your face." "Go fuck yourself." "That's, that's why you're here." "Are you going to tell me that you don't want to be my friend any more?" "Are you going to tell me that you don't want to talk to me any more?" "No." "I just, I just thought erm..." "I'd come here and just tell you that, you know..." "I..." "I..." "I just think..." "Fuck it." "I'm your date." "I reckon I'm the guy for you, Erica." "I'm gay."