"Previously on Two and a Half Men..." "Larry, where can I put this poop?" "This is my sister, Gretchen." "She just moved here." "Gretchen, this is Jeff Strongman!" "Larry and Lyndsey are in Palm Springs." "You wanna come inside?" " That's what she said!" " That's what he said!" "No, I really like Gretchen." "I can't do this." "Jeff Strongman can't, but Alan Harper can." "Works for me." " Oh, boy." " What?" "I just got an interesting e-mail." "If it says, "Local, horny housewives looking for action," it's a lie." "It should say, "Local police entrapping confused citizens."" "It's an Evite from Kate." "She's opening a boutique in LA." " Who's Kate?" " It's a long story." "It's not that long." "Kate was the great love of his life, who he met by pretending to be poor." "By the time he told her the truth, she'd become a successful designer and moved to China." "At first, they e-mailed frequently, but it tapered off over time." "Now he just uses Google Earth to look in her bedroom window." "But the image hasn't refreshed, so he just stares for hours at a photo of a Hong Kong cab driver named Bao Ling." "I never told you any of that." "Well, it's kind of my job to know the ins and outs of your life." "No, it's not!" "If you don't want me to know, come up with a harder password." ""Q-D-backslash-seven-two dollar-symbol big-C-little-K"." "She says, "I hope to see ya." That's good, right?" "Is it, "ya, Y-A," or "you, Y-O-U"?" ""Ya, Y-A"." "Why?" "She hopes I can make it." "I say, "ya," when I wanna blow somebody off." "See ya." "Call ya." "I have Chlamydi-ya." "She's right." "Get out of here, "ya freak." Never done this before, have "ya?"" "I'm your cousin." "What's wrong with ya?" "It doesn't matter whether it's "you" or "ya"." "The important thing is, she wants me to go." "On the other hand, it could be a mass e-mail." "I'd hate to go and have her talking to a guy named Jacques or Filippo." "Okay, those names are awesome." ""Hi, it's-a me, Filippo." "I live with my mother, but it's not weird because I'm Italian."" "Maybe I'm wrong." "Just go and see." "And, Filippo, your fly's open." "Scusi." "ALAN:" "Hey." "Is that your stuff?" "Is it happening?" "Are you moving out?" "You're cute." "I'm not leaving till I'm in a box." "I dug out all our old board games for my couples night with Larry." "Monopoly, Parcheesi, Clue." "First, you have sex with this guy's girlfriend." "Now you're having sex with his sister?" "I'm with "Larry in the living room with the lead pipe"." "He wants to spend more time together now that I'm dating Gretchen." "How's Lyndsey taking you moving on?" "Pretty well." "Last night she said, "I still want you."" "I heard him!" "I heard him!" "♫ (THEME SONG PLAYING) ♫" "It's a movie." " West Side Story!" " We have a winner!" "How the hell did you get that?" "You know, fin, shark, Sharks and Jets." "And I know how my Jeffy loves his musicals." "My favorite musical is My Fair Lady." "It reminds me of my Gretchie." "I think I'm gonna wretchie." " You guys are tough!" " It's like I can read her mind." " I think it." " And I say it!" "Larry and I are the same way." "Watch." "It's a movie." "A duck!" "A beak!" "A duck!" "LARRY:" "Flying ducks!" "Ducks ahoy!" "LARRY:" "Donald Duck!" "Daffy Duck!" "Duck and cover!" "Duck, Duck, Goose!" "Duck Dynasty!" "Mighty Ducks!" "Mighty Ducks Two!" "Mighty Ducks Three!" "It's not a duck!" "Aflac!" "Ben Affleck!" "Good Will Hunting!" "Hunting ducks!" "Ducky from Pretty in Pink!" "It's The Wizard of Oz!" "There's no duck in The Wizard of Oz." "What the duck is wrong with you?" " I need a drink." " Anyone else want a refill?" " Gretchen?" " Why don't you just read her mind?" "Okay." "Sex on the beach." "And not the drink." "Looks like my fair lady is more like "my naughty lady"." "Can you guess what I'm thinking, Lyndsey?" "Ducks." "Whoa, that is spooky!" "(LAUGHING)" "Lyndsey!" "Alan, let's see if you can read my mind." "I'll give you a hint." "It rhymes with duck." " I'm not sure that's a good idea." " I just came in for dessert." "Okay, well, there's pie." "There's cake." "There's gluten-free cookies." "Hey, Jeff!" "Lyndsey?" "Hey, how did I get here?" "Am I sleepwalking?" " Lyndsey?" " This isn't what it looks like." " It looks like you're cheating." " Okay, I can explain." "I'm not stupid." "I know what's going on." "You'll never fit that wedding dress if you keep cheating on your diet." " Yes, the diet." "He's not stupid." " You're right, honey." "I am weak." "This is all my fault, Larry." "As Best Man, I have to make sure that nothing goes into her mouth that shouldn't be there." "Exactly." "You can't let her blow it." "(LAUGHING)" "Oh, my God." "I'm so nervous." "Do I look nervous?" "I don't wanna be nervous." "I have dry-mouth." "Is that weird?" "I don't wanna be weird." "Am I weird?" "There she is." " Hi, handsome." " Hey, bring it in!" "I forgot how beautiful you are." "That's a lie." "I think about it every day." "You look beautiful, too." "Thank you!" "I'm using a new seaweed scrub." "It makes me smell like dead fish, but I get a glow." "This is Barry and Jenny." "They're my new Alans." " Hi, it's nice to meet you." " You, too." "You look different than your satellite photos." "Can you hang on one second?" "I have to say goodbye to this magazine editor." " Yeah, sure." " Okay, I'll be right back." "Oh, if you can't find me, just follow the smell of dead fish!" "If I die, that's the last thing she remembers me saying." "Would you just relax?" "She's obviously into you." "She looks at you the way that he looks at me." "Like she wants to eat me?" "Exactly." "When I said, bite me, it didn't mean what you think it means." "Just ask her out." "Then she goes back to China and I get left heartbroken again?" "Think about it this way." "You can spend the next two days hanging out with her, or the next two days hanging out with us." "Kate!" "Come on, Barry." "Let's get drunk and grope models." "This is nice." "Walden?" "Sorry." "Sorry, my date's a little tipsy." "Don't worry." "She's not driving." "Hey, do you want to go out?" "For dinner or something?" "I mean, no pressure." "Just two old friends catching up." "Old friends who've taken pictures of each other naked." "I don't know what you're talking about." "I deleted those photos." " I didn't." " Me, neither." "I wanna hear what's been going on." "I've got so much to tell you." "So let's do it." "Okay." "Dinner, conversation." "No sex!" "Get rid of the conversation, we can pretend we're married." " Well, thanks again." "This was fun." " I'm gonna walk Jeff out." "You guys probably want some privacy so you can play tonsil-hockey." "Seriously, Larry?" "It's not like we don't know they're having sex." "Remember the other night, I was like, they're going at it." "You were, like, "Larry!" And I was, like, what?" "You were, like, "Focus on me!" I was, like, I already finished." "I remember!" "Why don't I get the door for you?" " Again, we had a lovely evening..." " Yeah, yeah, see you." "Wow, that was uncomfortable." "I think Lyndsey's tired of having me around." "I've been living in the guest room for two weeks." "Doesn't seem so long to me." "Hey, how about tomorrow we go to your place?" "My place?" "Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure." "But what about Larry?" "I mean, he seems to really enjoy hearing us have sex." "Jeff, do you not want me to see your place?" "You're worried about your porn?" "Don't." "I love porn." "You're perfect." "Did someone make you in the lab or sent directly from heaven?" "That's me." "I am a robot angel, who masturbates to pornography." "My place it is." "Tomorrow night." "Great." "I can't wait to see what your place looks like." "Neither can I." "Quick, Barry." "Call the police." "A male model is robbing us and he's already stolen my heart." "What do you want?" "My heart back." "Also, Gretchen is coming over." "Why?" "She wants to see Jeff Strongman's place." "This isn't even Alan Harper's place!" "Alan Harper's Place." "That's a good name for a sitcom." ""Alan Harper's Place is filmed before a live studio audience."" "That's funny." "Anyway, just while she's here, just call me "Jeff"." "Or "Mr. Strongman, J-Dawg." Whatever, just have fun with it." "Okay, I'm gonna go on my date now." "And when I get back, I don't wanna see Gretchen, or "Jeff", or "J-Dawg", or "DJ Strongman"." "Word." "In fact, I don't wanna see Alan, or "A-Dawg", or any of the cast of Alan Harper's Place." "If I had a place to sleep here, my apartment would be free." "You had me at "free."" "Have you traveled around China?" "Did you get to see the Great Wall?" "Yeah, I saw it." "It's a good wall." "It's not great." "I felt the same way about the Grand Canyon." "More like, the Bland Canyon." "I'm glad we came back here." "I thought it was appropriate to come to the place we had our first date." "It's very sweet." "What's when I thought you were poor." "Now you're just cheap." "I figured, since we're not having sex, why bother spending a lot of money on dinner?" "Tonight just kind of feels right, you know?" "Totally." "And honestly, the no-sex thing isn't weird at all." "I didn't even have to shave my legs." "I did, but that was more of a personal choice." "It's like friends-with-no-benefits." "Yeah, I actually kind of prefer it." "I mean, there's no pressure." " No nerves." " No walk of shame." "No massages." "No hot oil." "No kisses on my neck." "No fingers running down my spine." "No orgasms." "And no idea why we're not having sex right now." " I'll race you to the car." " Right behind you." "Oh, God." "I've been waiting a year for this." "It feels so great to be with you again." "That's against the rules." "No feelings." "So you don't want me to feel this?" "Apparently, the rules can be bent and straightened." "(MOANING)" "(BELLY RUMBLING)" "Was that you or me?" "Girls don't make sounds like that, Walden." "(MOANING)" "(BELLY RUMBLING)" "That was you!" "(VOMITS)" "Did I make it to the toilet?" " Oh, this is a cute place." " Yeah, it really is cute, isn't it?" "I like what I've done with it." " Oh, and you have a cat?" " Apparently, I do." "What's his name?" "His name is Mr. Cat." "You're terrible at coming up with names." "You didn't tell me you went to MIT." "Well, I don't like to brag." " What did you major in?" " Math." "With a focus on numbers." "I'm terrible at math." "Every time I count to a hundred, I get stuck on 69." "Dirty math jokes." "Let's see how many times your orgasms multiply." "We really are perfect for each other." "I know, right?" " Can I tell you something?" " Yeah, of course, anything." "You are the first man I have trusted since my divorce." "Well, you know, MIT stands for "Man I Trust"." "No, it's more than that." "My husband was a liar and a cheater." "He was not the man I thought he was." "Well, you know, some guys can be real jerks." "Thank God you're not like that." "Yeah, thank God." "Oh, I'm sorry." "I don't mean to bring us down." "It just feels so good to open up and let somebody in again." "Well, I'm glad you did." "In fact, I'm not even going to make a dirty joke about you opening up and letting me in." "You care enough about me to pass up sexy wordplay." "And it was very hard on me." " You said "hard on."" " Kiss me." " How you doing in there?" "You okay?" " KATE:" "Oh, God!" "Oh, God!" "Oh, God!" "If someone read a transcript of this date, it'd sound like we were having hot sex." "KATE:" "Oh, God, it's in my hair!" "That sounds like we just finished having hot sex." "(SCREAMING)" "KATE:" "What was that?" "Hold on." "I think Alan saw a spider again." "What the hell is going on?" "Oh, Lyndsey." "Barry!" " Wait." "You two didn't..." " Are you kidding?" "No!" "Third base." "I got into bed to surprise Alan..." "Scusi." " Where is Alan?" " He's at my place." " What?" " What?" "(BELLY RUMBLING)" "What the hell was that?" "Oh, God!" "(VOMITS)" "So, you ready for a ride on the Barry-go-round?" "Boy, I really regret buying a wicker waste basket right now." "Thank you." "I can't help feeling this is my fault." "Why?" "Just because you ordered the Squid Surprise?" ""Try it, Walden." "It won't kill you." I wish it had." "Only you could make me smile when I'm this sick." " I really missed you." " I've missed you, too." "Even if this is the way we spend the whole time that you're here..." "I'm just glad we're together." "You are so sweet." "Hey, you know, right after you throw up how there's that 20-minute window when you feel better?" " Yeah?" " I'm in mine." "So if you're in yours..." "Then you could put yours in mine." "Exactly." "(BELLY RUMBLES)" "Window's closing!" "Oh, me, too!" "Squid." "Shrimp's sexy sister." "Tastes a little odd, but Alans can't be choosers." "Oh, hey, Lyndsey." "What's up?" " Where were you last night?" " Last night?" "Don't you ask questions while you think of a lie." ""That thing where I ask questions while I think of a lie"?" "I was with Gretchen." "I see." "Well, I snuck into your room to give you a little surprise and molested the kid sleeping in your bed." "Please, tell me he's 18." "If you told me he was anywhere from 12 to 60, I'd believe you." "Let's not waste time fighting." "I have a half-hour to meet Larry." "He's in the park, feeding the fricking ducks." "Oh, no, no, Lyndsey, wait." " What?" " I can't do this." "What do you need?" "Pills, porn or pinky?" "No, I'm not gonna have sex with you." "I really like Gretchen." "I'm not gonna cheat on her." " Okay." " I'm sorry." "So, I guess this is goodbye." "I'm still gonna be the Best Man at your wedding." "Goodbye, Alan." "Well, well." "Look who's back for more." "Get away from me, you freak." "Wait, did you say "ya" or "you"?" " Well, this has been horrible." " Yes." "But from now on, every time you see a toilet, you'll think of me." "And every time you hear a woman say, "Hold my hair out of the puke", you'll think of me." "So, listen." "Next time we see each other, if we're still single, we'll forget all the rules and just bang our brains out." "I'll get a air mattress for the bathroom floor." "Agreed." "Let's not make a big deal of this." "Let's just kiss and say goodbye." " Bye." " Bye." "BERTA:" "Sorry about that." "Thanks." "By the way, I saw your bathroom." "I quit." "Screw China." "Let's do it right now." "Wow, you're lighter than I remember." "I'm not lighter." "I'm just empty." "Puking all night and screwing all day." "It's like Charlie never left." "Down, Mr. Cat!" "Down, down!" " Really love that little guy." " You want some breakfast?" "Sure, if it comes with a side order of Gretchen." "And you can serve me over-easy." "And you can serve me sunny-side-all-up-in-your-bidness." "Oh, hey." " Who the hell are you?" " No, it's okay." "This is my... son." "Jimmy." "Jimmy Strongman." "It's Jim, Dad." "I'm not a little kid anymore." "(BELLY RUMBLES)" " Oh, God." " What was that?" "Squid!" "My other mom never dressed like that." "(English US" " SDH)"