"Black bishop takes white pawn." "RUSHING SOUND" "Dad, Year 8 science class has gone missing." "I said, black bishop takes white pawn." "That's you, boy!" "What are you...?" "Excellent." "Be off with you, pawn." "What are you doing?" "I'm teaching Wolfie how to play chess, obviously." "But you can't use Year 8!" "Can't!" "A word for breathers." "Why have a school of human spawn if you can't have a little sport?" "They're all thoroughly hypnotised." "They won't remember a thing." "That doesn't make it any better." "You see, Wolfie, chess is the ultimate game of tactics and strategy." "Every move should be an educated and intellectual decision." "Can you move the horsey next?" "I don't know how to play chess, Master." "You could fill a crypt with what you don't know." "Right, go back to class." " Stay!" " Go!" " Stay!" " Go!" " Stay!" "Go!" " Stay!" "Go!" " Stay!" " Stay!" " Go!" "Ah..." "You heard the man." "D-Do you see me laughing?" "RENFIELD SNIGGERS" "I'm back." "Twice as gorgeous, three times as evil." "Make that four times as evil." "KNOCK AT THE DOOR" " IN A WEAK VOICE:" " Come in." " Oh, it's you." " Why are you acting like you've just been staked?" "I want people to think I'm still weak." "That way they'll underestimate me." "You reek of breather." "I've been in class with them all day." "The stink clings." "So, what do you say we go into town tonight and give some boys the fright of their dull little lives?" "Sorry, I said I'd hang out with Vlad." "Again?" "But we had an arrangement." "Did we?" "It's because he's the Chosen One." "You think he's going to make YOU his queen?" "We're just friends." "You're trying to take my place, aren't you?" "I don't want to be his sister." "It's too weird, even for this place." "You know what I mean!" "You really need to chill." "Don't you dare walk away from me!" "DOOR SLAMS" "There's only one Queen of Darkness here!" "Argh!" "CRASHING NOISES" "Ow!" "So it was on..." "October...23rd?" "No, the Battle of Trafalgar was 21st." "All right. 21st October, 1805." "Lower gun deck." "And just before he died Nelson said... er..." ""Kiss me, Hardy"." "No, he didn't, he said "kismet"." "Kismet?" "He said what?" "Kismet." "It means fate." "No, he didn't." "Bertrand was there." "Well, he is over 400." "Used to hang around loads of battles, apparently." "Easy pickings, he says, all that blood." " Made a real pig of himself at Waterloo, so..." " Ew!" "Mm-hm-hmm." "Renfield!" "Renfield!" "FAST-APPROACHING FOOTSTEPS" "Yes, Master?" "What's happened to my fang file?" "It's as dull as an evening in your miserable company." "Ow!" "It's Vlad." "He borrowed it for his metalwork project." "He's always telling me what to do and trifling with my possessions!" "I should kick him up the..." "MYSTICAL SINGING ECHOES INTO THE ROOM" "THE COUNT SIGHS" "It can't be." "MYSTICAL SINGING CONTINUES" "LADY CONTINUES SINGING" "SINGING DRIFTS INTO THE ROOM" "Is that what I think it is?" "SINGING DRIFTS INTO THE ROOM" "SHE SINGS IN A FOREIGN LANGUAGE" "What do you think you're doing?" "I was just about to ask YOU the same question." "But that song, it's Transylvanian." "She must be from the old country." "It's years since I've had a home-cooked meal." "No!" "You can't." "I'm your father." "Pick a fight with me, boy, and you WILL lose." "I said no." "I'm so sorry, must have caught you..." "Just..." "What?" "I just got lucky..." "So, what's on the menu?" "Has-beens on toast?" "I hope you don't think I enjoyed seeing you humbled, crushed, shamed, humiliated..." "Stop me when you think I've covered it." "You've got to do something before Vlad gets too strong." "He might make you Lord of Croydon for a few years, but then he'll pack you off to the Twilight Home for the Long in Fang!" "I'd take him on myself if I wasn't still so exhausted." "I don't need advice from you." "Of course not." "I suppose you know his big weakness." "Erin?" "The half fang?" "He's crushing on her like crazy." "If you want to get him, get her!" "That's blatantly obvious to anyone with half a brain." "BELL RINGS" "Come on, you stupid locker!" "Allow me." "Sweaty hands." "What's going on?" "Last night I dumped the mightiest vampire on the planet on his pants and today I can't open a stuck locker." "You were angry and focused, it concentrated your powers." "You learn to control that and you'll be ready to open the Praedictum Impaver." " I need to do more training." " Have you seen the Count today?" " He's avoiding me." " He's seen the future." "He has to feel relevant." "It's vital that he's reassured, otherwise he's got nothing to lose." "He'll go on a killing spree, bring the slayers down on us." "Until you open the book, he won't be ready to lead us at Kingston." "We need more time." "So..." "Er..." "Wolfie, did you enjoy your chess lesson?" "Did Dad show you his famous Transylvanian opening gambit?" "It was boring." "Unlike me, he doesn't appreciate the Count's wisdom." "Shut up, Renfield." "Lunch is served..." "What gastronomic delights are you tempting us with?" "The Master's favourite." "And by Master you mean...?" "SLURPING NOISES" "Ocelot Wellington in a sticky badger sauce." "Ooh, delicious." "Absolutely revolting!" "It's disgusting, Master!" "That pup needs teaching some manners." "Good idea, Renfield." "See to it." "As you say, Master." "Where's the ocelot's nose?" "I always get the ocelot's nose!" "Right, that's it." "Apologies, I thought now Master Vlad..." "It's a mistake." "Dad, this is yours." "Keep it." "I've decided to satiate my appetite with a little Transylvanian cleaner I know." "Don't try and stop me, I'm ready for you this time." "And what if that brings the slayers down on us?" "You're a big boy now, I'm sure you can handle it." "Now you're just being silly." "Silly...." "I've been the scourge of nations, star of 10,000 nightmares and now I'm just silly." "Count Silly of..." "Croydon!" "Dad, I'm sorry if I've offended you." "Really, I am." "Prove it." "How?" "I want you to throw a Carpathian feast tonight - in my honour." "Yes." "Yes." "A dinner for me and my pals." "It'll prove that you still value and revere me." "Yeah, I can do that." "Renfield, make the usual discreet travel arrangements for the guests." "That's it?" "That's the wrath of the mighty Count Dracula?" "He throws a party and it's all happy families?" "You aren't invited." "Let me tell you about fine dining." "These are not ordinary maggots, these are hand-reared maggots, fed on a diet of elephant dung and matured in a barrel of badgers' wee." "This is not just vampire food, this is vampire food heaven." "Now get a good handful and shove it in your gob." "That doesn't sound posh." "It's how the fancy French vampires do it and they know better than you, you little hooligan!" "Hosting a party for Dad's old cronies is a torture of its own kind but if that's all it takes..." " Learn not to take things at face value." " What?" "What have I missed?" "There hasn't been a Carpathian feast for hundreds of years." " There's something that happens..." " I'll jump out of a cake if I have to." "A vampire of the Count's choosing is roasted to death in his honour." " I hope you're happy." " Ingrid, I'm so sorry." " Look, I won't let him do this to you." " It's not me, it's Erin." " Oh!" " Vlad!" "Daddy, I am so proud of you." "SHE SOBS" "Leave me alone." "I'm not going to let him do this." "Then you'll fail his test." "He knows you've got a thing for her." "We're just friends." "Vlad, I'm over 400, I know when a guy's into a girl." "She walks into a room, you get a silly grin on your face." "OK, I'll tell Dad I don't have feelings for her and he'll stop playing his silly games and let her go." "If you do anything to stop him burning Erin, he's going to know that you've put your wishes above his." " Vlad, you know where that will lead." " I'm going to see Erin." "Are you OK?" "Do I look like it?" "!" "Can you get me out?" "It's not that simple..." "I was talking to Vlad!" "He's right." "It's complicated." "Not from where I am." "You open the cage, I run away." " End of." " I just can't right now." "Some boyfriend you are." "I've been begging Dad to choose someone else but he's determined." "I will find a way to get you out of this." "I promise." "My friends." "I'd like to extend to you the warmest of welcomes." "But it won't be as warm as the welcome we'll be giving the half fang!" "LAUGHTER" "Where's Vladdy?" "Seen the time?" " Shouldn't you be doing the meet and greet at Dad's feast?" " In a minute." " There must be a way to save Erin in one of these." " I'll look if you want." "Why would you do that?" "She did rescue me when I was ill." "OK, thanks." "Enjoy." "Will you cheer up?" "You can't let the Count see you fretting over Erin." "He has to believe that you're fine with it." "But time's running out to save her." " Then maybe you have to face the fact that..." " I'm not..." "Everything all right, Vladdy?" " No second thoughts about my little celebration?" " Not at all." "Just going to get a case of Chateau Peasant." " '42." " That's the one." "Guess who's found a way to save Erin." "I have to kiss you?" "Technically, I have to kiss you." "Are you using a desperate situation to get a cheap snog?" "It's ancient vampire lore, a kiss from the Chosen One will protect you from the flames." "OK then." "Best just go for it." "Yep." "Vlad." "Your lips were warm." "They can't be unless..." "Unless you're a breather!" "I should've told you." "I'm so sorry." "How did I not know?" "Why?" "My brother's been bitten and I need to find a cure for him." "If I could find a cure anywhere, it would be with the Draculas." "You could've been honest with me!" "I was scared." "I told you I want humans and vampires to live together." "I trusted you and you lied to me." "But I didn't know you like I do now." "Anyway, you were trusting me with a secret," "I would have been trusting you with my life." "You can't just leave me to burn..." "Vlad, help me." "Please!" "I need some advice about maggots." "Two minutes." "Nothing like burning a half fang to brighten up your day!" "Well said, Vladdy." "Drink." "Master Wolfie!" "I did my best with him but I'm afraid you can't teach a young werewolf old tricks." "Well he certainly looks the part." "Hors d'oeuvre, Master Wolfie?" "Thank you." "That was absolutely scrumptious." "That's not what I told you to do!" "This is what I told you to do!" "HE SHOUTS THROUGH MOUTHFULS" "I'm sorely tempted to toast you as well as the half fang." "It has to be that way, it is vampire law." "No way around it?" "None." "Rules are rules." "There you are, Vlad." "Apologies, I need to speak to my son urgently." "I just saved you from a fate worse than staking." "Augustus is such a bore." "Enough to send anyone to sleep." "Bring in the half fang!" "CHEERING" "Hold on, hold on." "Before the climax of what has been a fantastic evening," "I'd like to say a few words about the Count." "The Count, my dad, has let me down." "When I was growing up, he didn't warn me that not every vampire I met would have his charm, his charisma, his intellect..." "Everything I will become, I owe to him." "Gentlemen, I give you my role model." "My inspiration." "My father." "CHEERING" " Now, bring on the half fang!" " Bring on the half fang!" " What are you looking so pleased about?" " I've done a terrible thing." "I told Vlad that a kiss from the Chosen One" " would protect Erin from the flames." " You what?" " He fell for it." "He was still trying to stop it?" "Well, you know my brother." "Vlad!" "I'll take her from here." "Come on, half fang, out you come." "Can I have the honour of throwing her in?" "Of course." " You have filled in all the forms, haven't you?" " Forms?" "What forms?" "Permission to burn a fellow vampire." "I don't need permission." "Yes, you do, Augustus said." "What was it that you were saying about the forms?" "The Vampire High Council directive of 1832 said that every feast must be sanctioned by them." " You're here, sanction it." " It's not that simple, Dad." "You need to fill in form 965 and have board approval." "Oh really!" "This is ridiculous." "He says failure to comply will result in ritual staking." "I know..." " Stupid burobats and their..." " Let's do it anyway." "Red tape." "Absolutely, get on with it." " On my count..." "One..." " One..." " Two..." " Two..." "Three!" " Three!" " Can I just have a quick..." "One moment." "We've all had such a nice evening, no need to spoil it by upsetting the High Council." "It's your party." "You're the boss." "What do I say...to them?" "Leave it to me." "My apologies, gentlemen, it appears we have neglected filling in the appropriate forms to burn the half fang." "I was telling him earlier..." "The penalty is ritual staking for all attending." "The Draculas are not one to ruin people's entertainment, so we are leaving it to you - shall we proceed?" "I wouldn't." "If there's more of this Chateau Peasant, what does it matter if the half fang doesn't burn?" "!" "Bring up a crate of Chateau Peasant, the '42." "Well done, Vladdy." "Well done." "Come on." "Have you any idea how terrifying that was?" "Yes, I do." "I thought you were going to throw me in that fire." "I had to take it to the edge or Dad would've worked out what I was up to." "Why didn't you tell me the truth?" "I get why you didn't, but..." "I should've." "I know." "I was just so desperate to find a cure for Ryan." "There isn't one, I've tried everything." "Can you categorically tell me there isn't a cure?" "Well...no." "Then I'm not going to give up." "I've got to keep trying." "He's my brother." "Is that the reason you stayed?" "At first, but you're special, Vlad." "I believed you when you said you wanted humans and vampires to live together." "My own kind are going to hate this idea and will do everything they can to stop it." "Will you stay and help me?" "Yes." "Yes I will." "I'll always protect you, I promise." "You've got to be the sweetest vampire in the world." "Let's face it, there's not much competition." "Fresh start, yeah?" "No more secrets?" "No more secrets." "Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd" "E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk"