"having an iPad?" "you're not cool enough." "You see my iPad?" "you don't seem to have one." "I thought your family was rich!" "'cause you don't have iPads!" "What should I do on my iPad next?" "I'll email some of my friends." "maybe I'll download some more cool apps." "This is so awesome!" "Tom Saltzman says you don't really have an iPad." "What? and you're faking it." "Tom Saltzman's dad is an alcoholic who drinks and drives!" "Let me see your iPad." "Seriously!" "Tom's dad is a drunk driver. which is why he gets beat by his mom!" "because it just ran out of power!" "plug it in." "– I left my charger at home! and you guys are gonna feel really stupid!" "Good going!" "You've completely screwed me over!" "What happened?" "You said I had to wait till my birthday to get an iPad. everyone's gonna call me a liar." "Would you mind loaning me some of your lipstick?" "Because I wanna at least look pretty the next time you decide to fuck me! and swipe it over to my iPhone." "all right." "I just don't want any big company tracking where I am at all times." "That's just a rumor." "They don't really track you." "Here he is!" "We're from Apple." "We're all ready for you." "273)}– Ready for what?" "– To fulfill the agreement." "273)}– Can we get a weight?" "– 83 pounds." "What agreement?" "good." "Let's get the blood work." "273)}– You can't do that!" "– You agreed we could. you clicked "Agree." "Let's get him to the water tank." "The water tank?" "I'm not going with you!" "You've agreed to all of this!" "You guys!" "You gotta help me." "These business casual g-men are trying to kidnap me!" "It's crazy!" "They're saying it's because I agreed to the latest conditions on iTunes." "What did the conditions for the last update say?" "I don't know." "I didn't read them!" "You didn't read them?" "Who the hell reads that entire thing every time it pops up?" "273)}– I do." "– Me too. you read the entire terms and conditions?" "273)}– Of course." "– How do you agree to something if you don't read it?" "I turned off my Apple stuff." "right?" "There he is!" "I need a lawyer!" "– What are you doing here?" "what do you do?" "It's the agreeing party's responsibility to know what they are signing." "and they send me a new one every three weeks..." "Calm down." "You're safe with daddy." "Here he is." "you." "– What is going on?" "Your son has made a binding agreement with Apple." "An agreement to do what?" "Apple's inner workings are top secret." "You know how it is." "I don't know how it is." "I use a PC!" "You what?" "let's go." "– Let him go!" "273)}– Dad!" "You tasered my dad!" "– You said we could." "64-gig." "This one!" "$900?" "I can't wait to see Kyle's stupid face when he sees mine has more memory than his!" "We can't afford that one." "You don't expect me to get the WiFi only 16-gig version?" "We need to get you a different brand." "They're a little cheaper." "Everyone knows that everything but Apple is stupid!" "look at this one." "Toshiba Handibook." "Toshiba Handibook?" "This says it does everything the iPad does at half the price." "Do not screw me over again!" "everyone will think I'm a poverty stricken asshole!" "Stop acting like a spoiled brat." "or you can have nothing at all." "I've got a better idea." "Why don't you go across the street and buy some condoms?" "Because we should at least be safe if you're gonna fuck me! because I like to have a smoke after I get fucked." "just say so!" "here!" "right here in the Best Buy!" "go on!" "Fuck me!" "Stop crying." "you weren't getting anything." "But I told you I was sorry." "You made me look like a child molester in front of all those people!" "I wasn't trying to get you in trouble." "Then why did you go outside to a police officer my mom is trying to fuck me"?" "I get it now." "and I shouldn't say it around people." "I'm sorry." "you'll understand why you aren't getting anything. because I'm already being punished by not getting the iPad." "can we go back and get the Toshiba Handibook?" "Then could we at least pull up here and get some dinner?" "I like to be wined and dined after I've been fucked!" "What are you gonna do to us?" "What is this?" "What's going on?" "You agreed to the iTunes terms and conditions too?" "What?" "I just clicked "Agree." I didn't read it." "I was in a hurry..." "I didn't know what I was agreeing to." "I can't even read Engrish!" "Shut up in there!" "You all agreed to stay quiet." "Let me out!" "This is a mistake." "I agreed by accident!" "You can't agree by accident." "There's a fail-safe built in." "" another little window pops up" "" and you have to click again." "What are you going to do to us?" "Everything that you agreed to in the iTunes conditions." "We didn't read them!" "Right!" "Who just agrees to something they don't read?" "the president of Apple:" "Steve Jobs." "everyone." "I'm here to announce a new product that will once again revolutionize the way we use our phones and tablet devices." "Let's hear it for our volunteers!" "These three people have agreed and become the prototype of our first truly interfaced device." "What?" "They have actually agreed to be surgically altered. mouth to anus." "What?" "You agreed to this." "Mouth to anus." "So that the feces from the gastral tract from one will enter the mouth of the little boy." "And he agreed this was okay. which will then go to a tablet device making a product that is part human and part centipede and part web browser and part emailing device!" "I give you... the HumanCentiPad." "I should have never updated iTunes!" "You agree that Apple may charge your credit card or PayPal account for any products purchased in iTunes." "Can somebody please explain to me what is going on?" "We're trying to find out what Kyle agreed to." "There can't be anything that allows a company to do what they're talking about." "Here it is." "' you are also acknowledging that Apple may sew your mouth to the butthole of another user. making you a being that shares one gastral tract." "I'm gonna click on... "Decline." "That does it!" "I'm going to the police." "273)}– For what?" "– To find out where Apple is keeping my son!" "they ask Apple." "The only way to fix all this is by going to the highest authority on the planet." "we'll have to ask help from... the Geniuses." "The Geniuses." "good." "Looks good." "Great work." "Really nice." "I remember when the first version of the iPad came out." "People couldn't believe how easy it was who could do the same with all their shit." "The only thing the iPad couldn't do was walk or read." "Until now." "What's that you're saying?" "You want out?" "Are you saying you want out?" "then sign right here." "You didn't read it!" "This says we don't have to let you out and we can do whatever we want." "why won't it read?" "It's probably low on power." "We should feed it." "here you go. if they are forced to eat my poo! it's a bean and cheese burrito from Paco's." "Kyle." "but burrito is too delicious." "We have to unveil this thing tomorrow." "It better be reading by then." "Feel sick." "the tragic story of a little boy whose mother constantly tries to fuck him. who is a very special boy with a very hard life." "You say that your mom fucks you?" "She fucks me so hard." "Does this happen often?" "Does she fuck you a lot?" "Filipino hookers don't get fucked the way I do. but where was the last time your mother fucked you?" "At Best Buy." "Your mother fucked you at Best Buy?" "And people saw her doing this?" "And they didn't do anything?" "Stop it!" "There she is!" "You come home right now!" "Why do you think it's okay to fuck your son?" "I don't!" "She does it all the time!" "She fucked me on Christmas." "She fucked me on my birthday." "The least you could do is kiss me first." "I like to be kissed before I get fucked!" "and you won't even give him a kiss?" "I'd kiss him first." "We have a very special gift we wanna give you." "An iPad?" "Gerald Broflovski." "The Geniuses will see us now." "keep your questions to the point." "The Geniuses do not like those who waste their time." "My name is Leslie." "I'll be your Genius." "and we seek your wisdom." "What problems are you experiencing? and they're holding him against his will!" "I'm sorry you're having trouble with that." "Could I have his Apple ID?" "What the heck is this for?" "I see." "I might need to bring another Genius in on this." "This guy's son was abducted by us." "or just give him store credit?" "I don't want store credit." "I want my son back!" "This says he agreed to be taken and made part of any experiments Apple wants to perform." "But it's all a mistake." "He actually didn't read the agreement." "He didn't read it?" "We know." "It's preposterous." "just give them store credit?" "but I am starving." "Which would you rather I eat? or the vanilla paste?" "Cuttlefish and asparagus?" "I will eat the cuttlefish." "go!" "We're here to help you." "Thank you!" "hurry!" "We have an ambulance outside." "Try to stay calm." "We'll get you separated right away." "Please hurry." "That cuttlefish and asparagus is not sitting well." "We got it." "Can you take this apart?" "I need permission." "so we can operate." "Dammit!" "It didn't read it!" "End the simulation!" "What is wrong with you?" "Why can't you get the HumanCentiPad to read?" "this time." "Cuttlefish is about to come out of my asshole!" "Here it comes." "It's going to be a lot." "Kyle." "I believe in you!" "And you should be able to do a customer check." "That should do it." "Sorry Apple kidnapped your friend." "273)}– But we have it all cleared up." "– You do?" "We got you a replacement friend." "You should be all good to go." "guys!" "We don't want a replacement friend!" "We're gonna have to bring more Geniuses in on this." "We should have a Quickening with all the Geniuses." "I'll summon the counsel." "If you guys just wait here a sec." "We're gonna have a Quickening." "See what we can do for you." "Do you know if your friend has a Verizon or ATT mobile number associated with his .me account?" "Verizon. the unveiling of the first HumanCentiPad." "Apple has joined up with Best Buy and Dr. Phil to donate the first CentiPad to a needy boy who was raped by his mother." "I've never heard a more tragic story than that of Eric Cartman." "And I want to thank the Apple company for helping us make today a very special day for him." "I want to assure you that a child will never get fucked in one of our stores again. we knew we had to get on board. here is your very own HumanCentiPad!" "Cool!" "No way!" "It does email and web browsing and it shits in Kyle's mouth?" "This is the greatest thing that has ever been invented!" "can it read?" "Don't worry." "but I'm pretty sure it has finally learned to read." "Hasn't it?" "What the hell are they doing now?" "They're performing the Toran Ra." "It's future stuff." "That's it!" "I've had about enough with iCrap and me clouds and a counsel of Geniuses with all their future... the Toran Ra has revealed the answer." "We can retroactively make your son's agreement invalid." "Finally!" "How do we do that?" "It's very easy." "You'll simply need to join Apple." "I like my PC. then you have to iApprove all his agreements." "It's not that dig a deal." "Will you stop resisting and join the rest of us in the future?" "fine!" "I'll sign up with Apple." "Do you agree to let Apple track your location at all times?" "I agree. songs and books?" "I agree. and prove that you care buy purchasing AppleCare?" "HumanCentiPad is awesome!" "We have a problem." "We have to take it apart?" "The boy's agreement isn't valid?" "we have to recall this." "What?" "That's mine!" "here!" "We are all trying to create the future." "I'm part of the future now too. and I've even been to me." "You've done so much for the world." "You have helped connect everyone to each other." "Clearly this is the future. a little longer?" "You know something?" "I agree." "little boy." "huh?" "some kind of sick prank?" "I get the greatest thing ever to have it taken away?" "God?" "please." "I like to get lubed up before I get fucked!" "Some lube would be nice." "Or at least a courtesy lick." "next time you decide to fuck me?"