"Let me see. 42 across." "Perry Mason's secretary." "Della blank." "Her name wasn't Della Blank." "I know that, Melvin." "The blank is where her name goes." " Della what?" " Maybe it was Della Mason." "What's wrong with you, Melvin?" "They weren't married." "Although I believe..." " You think so?" " Sure." "You can't see that on TV." "But I bet you at the annual Christmas party that..." " A little hanky-panky." " Yeah, yeah." " Get on to the next one." " Okay, then." "There it goes again." "How is a man supposed to think with all that noise going on?" " What is that, Fred?" " Some guy bought the place next door." "No kidding." "That place has been vacant for years." "Everybody in the neighborhood been throwing all their trash there." "I know it." "I been going over there, picking it up, cleaning it up... and selling it back to 'em." "Now I can't do that no more." "Fred, what's he making over there anyway?" "He ain't making nothing but a bunch of noise, and I'm gonna tell him." "Hey, you!" "You better cut that noise down if you don't want some trouble!" "Don't have me come over there and give you a bunch of trouble, buddy... and I mean it 'cause I'll be over there on you!" " Now, that's telling him, Fred." " Yeah." "See, you got to nip them things in the bud." "Nip 'em in the bud." "That bud is nipped." "I think that bud needs a little more nipping." "You know what I'm gonna do?" "I'm gonna get my bud nipper and nip some bud." " What's a bud nipper?" " I'll show you what a bud nipper is." "Here it is." "My Louisville bud nipper." " How all those dents get in there?" " That's from nipping buds." "Move out the way." "I'm gonna teach this guy..." "Where are you going with that?" "I'm going over there and introduce myself to our new neighbor... and then open up his skull." " What are you talking about?" " This guy been over there three days." " This noise is driving me crazy." " Would you get inside?" "Give me this bat." "Now, get inside." "What's the matter with you, Pop?" "You can't go beating up on somebody just 'cause they making noise." "There." "It stopped." " Who bought that place anyway?" " Some stupid jerk, that's who." "What are you calling him that for?" "You don't even know him." "I met him and he's a nice guy." "I think he'll make us a good neighbor." " Is he a brother?" " No, but what difference does it make?" "Well, it make a whole lot of difference to me." "Haven't you seen that bumper sticker, "Good neighbors come in all colors"?" "He'll come in all colors too if I put my bud nipper up his head." " When did you meet him anyway?" " I met him yesterday." "I introduced myself and he invited me in his house." " He's a good cook." " You ate there?" "That's right." "He gave me a dish of some stuff that was terrific." "It's called mofongo." "Mofongo?" "If someone gave me mofongo, I'd sprinkle some foot powder on it." "Well, that shows what you know." "That's a national dish." "He's Puerto Rican." "Melvin, did you hear what Lamont said?" "He said the guy that moved next door is Puerto Rican." "That's it." "That's it." "There goes the neighborhood." " What?" " This was a good neighborhood... but now all the property values gonna go..." "What difference does it make if he's Puerto Rican?" "Makes a big difference." "The Puerto Ricans run down every neighborhood they get into." "Look what they did to Harlem." " What did they do to Harlem?" " What did they do to it?" "Listen." "Before the Puerto Ricans moved in to Harlem, it was a paradise." " Right, Melvin?" " That's right, Fred." "It was a paradise." "Harlem was a ghetto long before Puerto Ricans moved in, and you know it." "I guess it was sort of." "Melvin, you know good and well before the Puerto Ricans moved to Harlem... there was not one cockroach in Harlem." "See, they brought 'em there." "See, they Puerto Rican cockroaches." "And they also keep 'em for pets." "Now, I can't argue with that, Lamont." "You don't know what you talking about." "When was the last time you was in Harlem?" " Twenty years ago." " And how did it look?" " Beautiful." " Beautiful." " It was a ghetto." " Well, you could call it that." " But beautiful." " But beautiful." "How can a ghetto be beautiful?" "Yeah, Fred." "How can a ghetto be beautiful?" " Shut up, Melvin." " Please shut up, Melvin." "Look, if you guys don't want my opinion, I'll just shut up." "Good." "Well, I got to go anyway." "I'll see you later." "I'm going on out of here." "Listen, Melvin." "Leave the door open." "The flies ain't been out all day." "Listen." "Don't go telling me about Harlem." "Who you think brought the rats there?" "I guess you're gonna tell me that was the Puerto Ricans too." "I sure am." "And they brought 'em there on purpose." " And why was that?" " To kill the Puerto Rican cockroaches." "See, they sic the rats on the cockroaches." "It's like their national pastime." "You know, like baseball." " Would you stop it?" " I mean it." "They gather at a big stadium and they stand up and sing their national anthem." "You know what the Puerto Rican national anthem is?" "We'll take Manhattan" "The Bronx and Staten Island too" "I'm not kidding you." "Them Puerto Ricans gonna take over the whole neighborhood." "There it goes again." "Will you listen to that?" " Gee whiz, I can't..." " What are you talking about?" " He's only playing his radio." " Yeah, he's only playing his radio." "But pretty soon this place will be just crawling with Puerto Ricans... wearing them pointy-toed shoes and dancing in the street." "I'm gonna call the police because they disturbing the peace." " They disturbing the peace." " Wait a minute, Pop." "Wait a minute." "If all that's bothering you is him making noise..." "I'll go over there and ask him to stop." "He probably don't even know he's disturbing you." "I suppose you think you don't ever make noise." "If I do make noise, I'll make it in English." "Listen." "I'm telling you, I know these people, Lamont." "Next thing he be growing a garden over there in his backyard." "And you know what he'd be growing?" "Latin lettuce." " Latin lettuce?" " Yeah." "That's that stuff they use... to roll them funny cigarettes." "You know, call 'em... south of the border butts." "I don't wanna talk about it anymore." "Let's go and fix my lunch." " That's what I came home for." " Okay, okay." " But you'll listen to me one day." " You're getting worked up over nothing." "Julio's a nice guy." "He don't want no trouble." " Julio?" "Is that his name?" " That's right." "Julio Fuentes." "Julio Fuentes?" "That don't sound like no name." "That sounds like something you get from drinking their water." "I had fuentes once for three days." "You're gonna change your mind aboutJulio once you meet him." "You think so?" "Well, I know 'em, and another thing they do is collect cats." " Cats?" "What for?" " To make strings for their guitars." "Pop, just help me fix my lunch and I'll be happy, okay?" "Okay." "There's your sandwich." "I'm going upstairs." "Help!" "Help!" "Lamont!" "Lamont, come here!" "There's a goat in the living room!" " Get him out of here." " Just relax." "Now, relax." "That's Chico." " That's Julio's goat." "He won't hurt you." " Don't tell me." "I know all about goats, and that's a killer goat." "Look at him." "Look at him." "He's in that attack position." "Don't go near him." "He'll tear your head off." "Chico wouldn't hurt a fly." "I'm not worried if he hurt a fly." "I'm worried if he hurt a old man." "It's a killer goat, huh?" "Look at this." "Hello, Chico." "See that, Pop?" " Hey, Julio." " I'm sorry, man." "That's okay." "Hey, listen at 'em." "They both understand the same language." "Hey." "Hey, señor." "You and el goatay... vamoosay right away." "Do you dig?" "I'm sorry, man, but I don't understand." "It's nothing." "Julio, my pop, Fred Sanford." "Pop, this is Julio Fuentes." "That's your father." "Señor Mr. Sanford." "I've been looking forward to this." "It's a pleasure." "I'm ain't gonna put my hand on nobody hand's been touching a goat." "You're right." "I'm sorry about the goat, Mr. Sanford." "I always keep him tied up." "I'm sorry." "He must've got loose and got away." "What are you doing with a goat anyway?" "Wouldn't they sell you a dog?" "Or is that just a Puerto Rican poodle?" "No." "I use Chico to keep the place clean, man." "He eats up all the garbage." "Well, I bet over at your place, that's a full-time job." " Hey, he's only kidding, Julio." " I'm not kidding." "Next thing you'll know he'll have a yard full of chickens." "What's the matter?" "You got something against chickens?" " Not really." " Maybe you got something against goats." "Well, then maybe, Mr. Sanford, you got something against Puerto Ricans." "Now you got it." "Mr. Sanford, tell me." "What have you got against Puerto Ricans?" "Since you asked me, I'll tell you." "First thing, when they came here, they brought them cockroaches with them." "Them Puerto Rican cockroaches." "And then they brought them rats with them." "And now look what you got with you this time... a goat." "I'm gonna tell you something, Mr. Sanford." "I would rather live with a young goat who gives milk... than an old goat who gives trouble." "Well, how would you like a old goat to give you one across your lips?" "You give bad vibes, man." "I'm leaving." " Good." "Go back to where you came from." " I come from New York City, man." " That's where I come from." " And you messed up Harlem." "Now you're gonna try to louse it up out here." "Go tell it to the United Nations." "I wish you would start some stuff." "Say, look, Julio." "Hey, I'm sorry, man." "He's an old man and he's got a lot of hang-ups." "I don't like the way he talks to me." "I just don't like it." "He talks to me the same way." "He's called me a dummy every day of my life." "Except once." "And that was the day he had laryngitis." "And even then he wrote it on a piece of paper." "That's okay for you to take." "He's your father." "But I don't have to take that." " People should try to be friends." " I know that." "He knows it too." "Now, he blows up and he lets off steam and then he realizes he was wrong." "I'll bet since we've been out here talking, he's thought about it..." " and realized that he's wrong." " I hope so, man." "We've got to be neighbors." "We may as well be friends." "Lamont, come on in the house." "Stop talking to that goat lover." "See that?" "It's the same thing all over again." " What did you do that for?" " What?" "And man comes over here and tries to be friends with you... and you practically throw him out of the house." "Well, I don't want him, I don't need him, and I don't like him." "Nobody asked you to like him." "And the more you keep talking, I ain't gonna be too crazy about you either." "And another thing, you had your hands on that goat too." "Would you stop it?" "Stop it." "Give me this." "Stop it." "Julio's got just as much right to live here and be a junkman as you have." "Junkman?" "Is that what's he's opening next door, a junkyard?" "That's right." "He bought the place and he can do whatever he wants." " Now I know he's gotta go." " Why?" "Why?" "You want competition?" "Another junkyard?" "Well, I don't." "What are you doing?" "A guy comes in, brings his goat and then eats stuff off my table... and make a whole lot of noise over there, disturbing the peace." "Hello." "Operator?" "Get me the police." "You can say adios to your Puerto Rican Marx Brothers..." "Julio, Chico and Mofongo." "Lamont, what's a six-letter word for a TV show starring William Conrad?" " Fink." " "Fink. "" "That's four letters." "That don't fit." " Well, it fits you perfectly." " What are you talking about?" "About how you reported Julio to the police." "I didn't reportJulio to the police." "I reported Julio's goat to the police." "And when I found out it wasn't illegal to have a goat... that's when I reported Julio to the police." "What did you report?" "That he was making noise because he's rebuilding... or that he was playing his radio and listening to a Spanish station?" "I just said that his place was a eyesore." " A what?" " A eyesore and a mess." "You can do that." "When someone is destroying the beauty of the community, you can report him." " Are you serious?" " That's what they told me..." " when I called the building inspector." " You called the building inspector?" "Yeah, I called because I don't want the beauty of my community destroyed." "I don't how you can say that, Pop, living in the middle of this heap." "There are heaps and there are heaps." "This is a coordinated heap." "You're turning against a man because he happens to be from another country." "How would you like it if the guy next door turned against people from Africa?" "I don't care, as long as they don't turn against people from St. Louis." " What's the use?" " Listen." "Wait a minute now." "That's not the reason I don't like him." "The reason I don't like him because he's giving us competition... and that's the only reason." " That's the only reason?" " That's the only reason." "We can't let every Tom, Dick and Chico move in here with their bongo drums." "I'll get it." "Try to tell you, you don't even listen to nobody." " Hey, Lamont." " What?" " It's for you." " Who is it?" " It's your friend, the goat lover." " Stop calling him that." " Hey, Julio." "Come on in." " I'm sorry to bother you, man... but I'd like to talk to your father." "Did you hear that?" "Julio wants to talk to you." "What's he wanna talk about?" "I'm busy." "I got a crossword puzzle waiting for me." "I have decided that maybe you're not such a bad chamaco." "Who you calling a chamaco, you chamaco?" "It just means "fellow," that's all." "You have to forgive my father, Julio." "He doesn't know a word of Spanish." "Who don't know a word of Spanish?" "I know all that stuff." "And I know some cuss words too." "You wanna hear some?" "The man came to talk to you, Pop." "At least listen to what he's got to say." "Sit down, Julio." "Thanks, Lamont." "Mr. Sanford, I've been thinking about what happened, you know... and maybe I make a mistake." "Here I am a newcomer in the neighborhood." "I move in next door to you, and instead of coming over and introduce myself..." "I make all kinds of noise and bother you." "I apologize." "And together with my apology, I bring you a gift." "Yes, sir." "You grow this in your own garden?" "We don't smoke this stuff." "I didn't grow it, but I made it." "That's goat cheese." "Then why don't you give it to your goat?" "You don't understand." "Goat cheese is good for you." "It's very healthy." "I only like American cheese... and you can't get American cheese from a Puerto Rican goat." " What's the matter with you?" "He gave..." " Wait a minute." " You will not take the cheese?" " I don't want cheese." "Take it and put it back in your goat." "You are an impossible person, Mr. Sanford." "Like a fool, I try to be your friend, but you refuse." "You will not see me around here again, you sangano." " What?" " You heard me." "You are a big dummy." "Who you calling a dummy, you big dummy?" "Where I come from them is fighting words." " Julio, I'm sorry." " I'm sorry too, Lamont." "I'm sorry that you are the son of a sangano." "You said it again, didn't you?" "Back off now." "Say it again." "I dare you to say it." "Let me hear it." "Let me hear it." "I just wanna hear it one time." "You say it again and I'll..." " You did it again, didn't you?" " Did what?" "You heard what he called me." "I heard him, and I also heard you." "And he's right." "You are impossible." " There he is again." " Wait a minute." " I'll answer the door." " Just let him in." "Let him in." "Say it again." "Good morning." "My name is Watkins." "I'm looking for Mr. Fred Sanford." "I'm the county building inspector." "Lamont, this is the building inspector." "Come in, Mr. Watkins." " Have a seat right over here." " Thank you." "Well, exactly what is your complaint, Mr. Sanford?" "I mean, against your neighbor, Mr. Julio "Fulantes. "" "It's Julio Fuentes." "Well, what's your complaint against him?" "My complaint is that I don't want him living next door to me." "Well, that's not really a complaint." "That sounds personal." "Well, let's say then, I personally don't want him living next door to me." "Mr. Sanford, my department does not deal in personal matters, only complaints." " Then change it back to complaints." " On what grounds?" "On the grounds that his place is unfit to live in." "How can you say that?" "You haven't been over there sinceJulio moved in." "I don't have to." "All I have to know is my next-door neighbor lives with a goat." "Talk about the odd couple." "You'll see for yourself when you get over there." "Well, I'll just have to get over there and check him out." "Yeah." "Check him out and then chuck him out." "Can he actually get thrown out?" "Well, yes, it's possible." "We might have to condemn his building... and force him out if he's violation of the building codes." " Like what for instance?" " There's all sorts of violations." " Faulty and exposed wiring..." " That's him." " Structural weakness..." " He got that too." " Unauthorized dumping area." " I can see that from here." " And what about Latin lettuce?" " I beg your pardon?" " Nothing." "He's just imagining things." " Well, I better get on with my job." "Mr. Sanford, if it weren't for concerned people like you... we wouldn't catch all the violations in this area." "We're so understaffed." "And I wanna thank you for being so conscientious." "Well, you see, I didn't want the beauty of my community destroyed." "Yeah, yeah." "You see, this is a nice residential area... and I don't want no cheese factory next door." "Well, I don't blame you." "Well, thank you, sir." " Thank you very much." " Good-bye." "Did you hear what that building inspector said I was?" "Conscientious." " And that's not all you are." " What are you talking about?" "I don't wanna talk about it no more." "I'm going down to the diner to eat... because I don't wanna be in this house any longer." "You're gonna stay mad because I reported that pest next door?" "I told you I don't wanna discuss it." "I'll see you later." "I'll tell you why I did it." "I did it for you." " For me?" " Yeah." "This neighborhood can only stand so many junkyards." "I ain't gonna be around much longer... and I wanna make sure that after I'm gone... that you would be the king of all this." "Thanks a lot." "See, son, you don't appreciate nothing." "A lot of sons never appreciate what their fathers do for 'em and tell 'em." "TakeJohn D. Rockefeller." "He built up a great, big business in oil." "Did his kid appreciate it?" "No." "He blew it and became a governor." " Well, I'll see you later, John D." " Okay." "Well, go on... and see what happens to you when I'm not around to protect you." "They'll take you apart 'cause you not a fighter like me." "Look what I got, man." "The building inspector gave it to me." " I wasn't expecting anything like this." " Julio, I'm sorry." "Don't be mad..." "Mad?" "Why should I be mad?" "I'm proud." "Yeah." "He said you sent him over... and he gave me a citation for doing such a good job fixing up my place." "Look at this." "A citation for neighborhood improvement... from the Board of Supervisors, Building Department, County of Los Angeles." ""The owner of this property has contributed... to the betterment of his community by renovating, restoring... and generally improving his home area... and has thereby earned the appreciation of his city and county. "" "And he said because you was nice enough to send him to me... will I be nice enough to give this to you." "Yeah." "One for you and one for me." "That's chevere, man." "I like that." "Good neighbors do come in all colors." "Lamont, read mine for me." "I can't see without my glasses." "Okay. "Board of Supervisors, Building and Safety..." "Los Angeles, California." "Dear Mr. Sanford, you will be fined $200... if the following violations are not corrected within ten days:" "Faulty and exposed wiring, structural damage... unnecessary litter, numerous fire hazards... unauthorized dumping area, sidewalk obstruction... dangerous and inflammable materials. "" "Give me that." "Ain't nothing wrong with this place." "This place got a strong foundation." "No faulty wiring." "You couldn't find a better place nowhere in the world." "What are they talking about?" "Okay, I'm coming." "Lamont's fixing lunch." "I'll call him." "Lamont, it's for you." "No, señor." "This is for you too." "Yeah." "Julio, what's up?" "Well, I brought something over for you and your father." "I really want us to be good friends and good neighbors." " What is it?" "Let me take a look." " Some good food." "I fix it myself." " All right." " I ain't eating no "mofungus. "" "You mean mofongo." "No, you didn't give me a chance to explain." " This is not mofongo." " No?" "What is it?" "This is spareribs... candied sweet potatoes and mustard greens." "Look at that." "Candied sweet potatoes, spareribs and mustard greens." " That's right." " Lamont, just smell it." " All right." " Hey, thanks a lot." "It's nothing, really." "Thank you for fixing my favorite kind of dish." " Good." "Amigos?" " Amigos." "Where did you ever learn to cook a dish like that?" "I learned all that while I was living in New York." "Yeah, I lived in Harlem." "Julio, if all the Puerto Ricans was like you, Harlem would be a paradise." "Sanford and Son is recorded on tape before a live studio audience."