"Morning, camper." "Everybody ready to go on a little day trip?" "I brought my fanny pack, which I will hold as a clutch..." "So as not to obscure..." "My dynamite fanny." "Jack, we're going to visit Stanley Walker in prison." "We're not going to Swishy Pete's Camp for Feminine Boys." "Do not lecture me." "I have a lot more experience in this area than you do." "Jack, do I have to explain to you again the actual meaning of the phrase "penal system"?" "I'm not going!" "I'm too scared to visit a prison!" "Oh, my god." "Look at me!" "I'm wearing a scarf to go to prison." "I might as well be wearing a big sign that says, "strangle me"!" "Name, please?" "Karen Walker." "I'm Stanley Walker's wife." "Excuse me?" "I'm his bitch!" "Ok?" "Is that what you want to hear?" "I'm Stanley Walker's bitch!" "And I'm his one and only, just in case you pervs get any ideas during those lonely nights at lockdown" "Ma'am, I just couldn't hear what you said." "Oh." "I'm Karen Walker." "Oh, my god." "I have that same gun." "Next." "Hi." "Grace Adler." "What I'm wearing isn't too revealing, is it?" "The--the men are locked up." "I don't want to drive them into a state of sexual frenzy." "I wouldn't worry about it." "Oh, like you're so hot?" "Hi." "I just want to let you know that I have seen the documentary "Scared Straight" 17 times." "Never took." "Please, forgive my friends." "They're just, uh..." "They're idiots." "Ok, only two visitors at a time." "Please let the ladies through." "My husband is in prison." "It's gonna be ok." "I just want you to know that I am here for you." "Ok?" "I'm strong." "Ok." "I'm gonna be your rock, ok?" "Everything's gonna be all right." "Don't stand too close to the glass, Clarice." "Don't joke like that!" "You promised you were never gonna do that!" "I lied." "Excuse me." "I saw you come in with Karen Walker." "Are you a friend of the family?" "I'm Mr. Walker's attorney." "Who are you?" "It's the attorney!" "Get set up, guys." "Oh, no, no, no." "Listen, I'm--I'm-- I'm not prepared to make a statement." "It's just a few easy questions, Mr..." "Uh, Tr-Truman." "Will Truman." "But I'm not really comfortable with" "Roll camera." "In three, two..." "This is Anthony Dukane with Channel Three News." "I'm standing here with Will Truman, the attorney for Stanley Walker." "Mr. Truman, do you think your client was treated more or less fairly because of his wealth and status?" "Uh..." "The--the status of Mr. Whacker" " Wicker" " Wexler" "Walker." "Walker." "Thank you." "Uh..." "Oy, boy." "The answer to your question is--is, uh, Mr. Guilter's walk" "Mr. Guilter's alleged walk" "Wait." "W-W-What--What I'm trying to say is--is-- that, yes, he's rich." "He's very rich." "But that doesn't mean he's--he's poor." "Ok, that's it." "Nice job." "Let's go." "Uh...what did I just say?" "Oh, God..." "So you gonna be ok?" "Yeah." "It's just-- kind of weird coming home to a... big empty house." "I know." "You and 35 servants." "So I guess I'll see you tomorrow?" "Yeah." "I guess you will." "Want to stay over?" "Did" " Did you say something?" "Well..." "I" " Mmm..." "I didn't say anything." "Oh." "Oh. 'Cause" " I--I" " I thought..." "you asked me to stay over." "Huh?" "!" "Me?" "You?" "No." "Karen, do you, do you want me to stay?" "Uh..." "I don't know, Grace." "If you want to stay, I'm not gonna stop you." "What is your problem?" "Look, Karen, if--if you want me to stay, all you have to do is ask." "Listen, if I wanted you to stay, I would ask you to stay" "Please stay." "Stop doing that!" "What do you" " What do you want?" "I don't want anything, honey, but apparently, you're just dying to spend the night over here, so..." "Yeah, come on in!" "Try to keep your feet off the furniture!" "Yes, he's rich." "He's very rich." "But that-- That doesn't mean he's" " He's poor." "That's good." "That's good stuff." "Good stuff." "Hey, Jack, what are you watching?" "Just some classic bloopers." "Oh, yeah?" "Well, shove over." "I could use a little cheering up." "Sure." "You are such a jerk, you know that?" "What, have you been sitting her by yourself laughing at me?" "No!" "Toby and Josh were here, but you ran out of wine." "Stop it." "It's not funny, ok?" "It's humiliating." "You know, I-I-I freeze up in front of a camera." "I always have." "It's a big problem, you know?" "On my grandparents' 50th anniversary video, I blanked on their names." "Well, what were their names?" "Grandma and Grandpa." "I'm such a loser." "Hey, hey, hey." "Hey." "Don't be so hard on yourself." "Why, I once knew a man people thought was a loser." "Do you want to know what happened to him?" "He went on to invent hand sneakers." "Hand sneakers?" "Yeah." "You know, so when you do cartwheels, your hands don't get dirty." "Couldn't you just wear gloves?" "Damn it, I should have invented gloves!" "I'm not answering that." "Who can it be calling on our phone?" "Just leave your name;" "'cause we're not at home." "Who can it be now?" "Who can it?" "Who can it?" "How did she talk me into doing that?" "Hi, Mr. Truman." "Tony Dukane from Channel Three." "I was wondering if you were available for a follow-up interview." "Let me take care of this, hmm?" "Hi, Mr. Dukane." "You want him to do another interview?" "He'll do it." "Jack!" "Can you hold just for one second?" "Give me the phone!" "You wouldn't dare!" "Oh, wouldn't I?" "I will reach in there myself and get it." "No, you won't." "No, I won't, but I will slap you like a girl." "Get away!" "Get away!" "Stop!" "Get away!" "Can't you see I'm here to help you?" "How?" "This is a big opportunity." "A very big opportunity." "To do what, humiliate myself on television again?" "No." "To redeem yourself." "This time, when you go on camera, you're gonna be great, and do you know why?" "Because you're coming with me to my on-camera acting class." ""Ta-da?" What, do moronic ideas get a fanfare now?" "Look, my problem is speaking in front of a camera." "So how could I possibly be helped by some class that teaches speaking... in front of a camera?" "I'll do it." "He's still on hold." "Well, could you take him off?" "Ok." "Oh, my god." "That was, like, the best night of sleep I think I've ever had in my life." "Well, it should have been, honey." "You're sleeping on a $5,000 mattress with $5,000 sheets and the indentation of a 5,000-pound man." "Hey..." "listen... thanks for staying over last night." "It really helped." "I'm glad I could be here." "You know, at one point during the night I looked over at you while you were asleep." "You looked so innocent and peaceful." "Kind of freaked me out." "God, I love this nightgown." "It's just so roomy." "Honey, that's not a nightgown." "That's one of Stan's fitted Ts." "No, no." "That's ok." "Oh, my god." "Oh, my god, look at the time." "I gotta get going." "Honey, are you sure you don't want to at least stay for breakfast?" "No, no, no, it's ok." "I'll just grab some Oreos out of the bowl at my bank." "Oh, wow." "I love that color." "What is it?" "Grace." "There's no color." "They just cleaned off your toes." "Still, it's nice." "Miss Karen, time to get up." "Hey." "How about bringing the volume down to foghorn level?" "Up yours, Count Drunkula." "Oh, come on, honey, stick around." "It's fun here." "Come on." "I wish I could." "I just that I've got to clean my apartment, I've got to pick up my dry cleaning" "For breakfast this morning we're serving French toast." "The masseur comes at 2:00." "And the movie in the media room this afternoon is soft-core porn for women." "Maybe I should stay a little longer." "Well, here we are-- the actors' gymnatorium." "Where we tone and strengthen the hams and pecs of our craft." "Ok, good-bye." "Hey, come on, come on." "Give it a try." "Zandra is like a god in the acting community." "Who's Sondra?" "Shh!" "It is Zandra with a "Z," not Sondra with an "S," 'cause Sondra with an "S" goes "sss" not "zzz."" "A student once made the mistake of calling her Sondra, and she threw a lit cigarette at him." "Don't you mean..." "Zigarette?" "Look, kiddies," "I'm being pummeled by my allergies, my back is in knots, and ve got an underwire sticking right here in my left one." "So I am in no mood for B.S." "Ronnie, light me, please." "Now..." "Let's see." "Just one general note here." ""Your scenes..." "last week... horse crap."" "So we're gonna have to go back to the basics." "In this exercise, I want you to apologize-- Apologize to someone that you've wronged." "And I don't want to catch anybody "acting."" "Ok?" "I just want to catch the truth." "Now you, Summers, you're up." "Mom..." "I'm not quite sure how to say this, but..." "I'm sorry." "Oh, God, I'm sorry!" "Is she ok?" "Ok?" "She's having a breakthrough." "It's what we all strive for." "Look at her." "No inhibitions." "Raw, naked, open." "I never want to hear those words come out of your mouth again." "Ok, young lady." "That's nice work." "Thanks, Zandra." "It felt really good." "McFarland, you're up." "Try not to fall in love with me during this exercise." "I'll be very exposed." "Someone I've wronged, someone I've wronged." "Ok, I got it." "I'm sorry." "I'm really sorry." "I'm...really, really sorry, ahh..." "I didn't mean to do it, so..." "Sorry." "What is that?" "M-my apology." "To who?" "My father?" "I don't buy it." "Ok, it--it" " It wasn't my father." "It was somebody else that I really wronged." "ZANDRA:" "I don't believe you." "Ok, I wasn't thinking about anybody." "Well, what were you thinking about?" "Food." "What kind?" "An egg salad sandwich." "You liar!" "Ok, it was tuna!" "Poor guy." "He's not very in touch with his instrument." "Oh, but he is." "He can even dial a phone with it." "Ohh!" "Oh!" "honey, you scared me." "I thought you were my clone, but none of them survived." "Hey, Kar." "Hey, aren't you supposed to be at work, 'cause I know I am." "Oh, how am I supposed to leave you?" "I mean, look at you." "You're a wreck." "Oh, well, actually, honey, I'm feeling much better." "Yeah, I just talked to Stan." "He had a good day in prison today." "He and a convicted junk bond trader smuggled a glazed ham out of the kitchen." "So, honey, if you want to leave, I know you've got things to do." "I mean, there's fashion mistakes to be made, and... it's probably happy hour at some gay bar." "Oh, and also" "You know what?" "I'm not gonna leave you." "Not this apartment or this tub, until I know that you are totally whole." "Not another word." "You know what?" "I'm getting a little chill, so could you close the door, please?" "From the other side." "How sorry am I?" ""S" is for how very sad you make me feel." ""O" is for, oh, how very bad you make me feel." ""R" is for how wrong you make me feel." "And the other "R" is for how rotten you are." "Get off." "Get off the stage!" "I don't want to even look at you anymore." "Sorry, Zandra." "I don't even believe that." "Ok, new person, you're up." "Oh, no, no." "I'm just observing." "Life isn't there for us to observe." "It's there for us to live." "No, really, I--I" " Oh, but" "Up!" "The thing is, when there's a camera on me, I just get" "Whoa." "Oy, boy." "Uh, I--I can't." "Do it now." "Go." "Hi." "I--I--I" " I haven't done a lot of acting before." "Actually, that's not true." "I--I" " For 19 years, I played the role of a heterosexual." "My guess is, not very convincingly." "Now apologize to someone you've wronged." "Ok, let's see, uh..." "I'm sorry..." "Someone that you've treated unfairly." "Just think about the pain you've caused, and tell that person you're sorry." "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry I've been so hard on you." "I'm sorry I expect so much from you." "Who are you talking to?" "Myself." "It's just that..." "I make you feel that you have to be so perfect for everybody else." "I--I--I set you up for failure." "No wonder you're afraid." "Please forgive me, I beg of you, please, forgive me." "I love you." "I love you." "Will Truman, I love you!" "I want to work with you privately." "I don't know what to do." "I mean, Grace is my friend, and it's not that I don't appreciate what she's done, but enough is enough." "I know, mommy." "She's driving me up a wall." "She sleeps late." "She's insulting to the staff." "She's turning into one of those mean, abusive rich people." "She should be punched in the neck." "Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey." "That's not very lady-like." "With an open fist." "There's my girl." "Oh..." "What are we gonna do?" "Wait a minute." "I've got an idea." "We'll come up with a big fancy plan with lots of twists and turns, to make her understand what she's done." "I'll hide somewhere, and you'll wear big shoes." "Or we could go simpler." "Thanks, honey!" "You're a good friend!" ""And I have to believe if there's any justice in this world, Stanley Walker will soon be a free man."" "Wow." "I'm so real." ""Stanley Walker will soon be a free man."" "Every time I watch it, I find a new layer." "Wanna watch it again?" "No." "Turn it off." "Hand me that blanket." "You get it." "You know, if we were at Karen's right now, there would be somebody to do this for me." "This place is a dump."