"Ah." "Musiden, musiden..." "Yeah!" "Dude, your music rocks." "Oh." "Danke schoen." "Yeah." "We´re looking for a German dude... who plays, like, a bitchin´ ax." "We´re into German techno Polka." "Oh, I just strum the guitar a little." "It´s my way of relaxing." "But thanks, anyway..." "dude." "All right." "Heh." "Musiden, musiden..." "Grrrr!" "[ Growling ]" "Hi, Notch." "What, I didn´t scare you?" "No." "Hey, Notch, I was just telling the kids... about the legend of the cocktopuss" "How every year, on this very day... the cocktopuss visits Malibu Adjacent." "Why is it called a cocktopuss?" "Well, because it has 8 tentacles... like an octopus... and a head like a cock" "A-doodle-doo." "You know, a rooster." "Ahem." "Anyway... there are lots of myths about the cocktopuss... like it lives on the ocean floor." "And it has a mouth so big... it once swallowed a whole shipload of seamen." "Ugh." "But don´t worry, kids." "[ Chuckling ]" "There´s no such thing as a cocktopuss." "[ Grrrr]" "[ Announcer] Tonight´s episode:" "[ Woman Screams ]" "[ Announcer] Son of the beach is not recommended..." "[ Announcer] Son of the beach is not recommended... for men who use Viagra." "[ Mayor Massengil ] The Mayor Anita Massengil Seaquarium... built at a cost to Malibu Adjacent taxpayers... of $68.9 million." "A small price to pay... considering the hoards of tourists it attracts." "Hah!" "Who cares if it´s empty?" "Come on, Mother." "Don´t be such a gloomy Gus." "Remember, a smile is just a frown... turned upside down." "Shut up, Kody." "Oh, I´m sorry, dear." "I´m just upset... because the city council wants to recall me." "Can you imagine what it´s like... to have a powerful body like that all over your ass?" "This is Fishin´ With Vern ´n´Jordan." "What´s on the menu for today,Jordan?" "Well, I tell ya, Vern... it´s the elusive California smelt." "We´re gonna catch it, we´re gonna kill it... we´re gonna cook it... and we´re gonna consume it." "So here goes." "Are you ready?" "All right!" "Hey!" "Help!" "Whoa!" "That didn´t take too long." "Hey, Vern, this thing´s no California smelt." "Hang on there, Jordan!" "Hang on!" "[ Panicky Yelping ]" "Stay with ´im!" " This can´t be no smelt!" " You got ´im!" "Damn!" "Look at that thing." "I never seen anything like it." "[ Massengil ] There´s your proof." "The cocktopuss is not just some old sailors´ tale." "[ Reporters Clamoring ]" "Vern." "Vern,Jordan... you guys saw the cocktopuss up close." "How would you describe it?" "Well, sir, it was long and hard... and it had these blue veins running through it." "[ Reporter] Oh!" "Oh!" "One last question." "And up on the top... there was a whole bunch of extra skin... surrounded sort of like a, uh... a blowhole." "But now, it also had black wiry hair... and big, slimy pink lips." "And it smelled like trout." "[Jordan ] Ooh-wee!" "It was awful." "Thank you." "Thank you, Vernon and Jordan." "You are both fine cracker Americans." "I am offering a $1 00,000 reward... for the capture" "I mean, rescue of this creature." "I think you can see just how badly I want... to get my hands on a cocktopuss." "[ Guitar Playing ]" "Hey, Chip, you are really good." "Shoot, dog... you got it goin´ on!" "You really think so?" "Chip, we should jam together." "Did you know I blow sax?" "I read it on the bathroom wall." "But can you believe it" "Some kids just asked me to join their rock band." "Really?" "Well, you gotta let me know when you´re gonna be playing." "´Cause, you know, I like to get on the dance floor and" "Uh!" "Shake, shake it!" "Me, too." "You know, I always wanted to be a go-go dancer." "A go-go dancer?" "Wow." "What would that be like?" "[ Sixties Psychedelic Rock ]" "[ Clap ]" "Listen up, troops." "The mayor´s given us a mandate." "I have a man date Saturday night." "Gang, it turns out there really is... a cocktopuss." " Ah!" " Ah!" "That´s right, and we´ve gotta catch it." "Ah!" "Why is it up to us?" "Because if we catch it... the mayor doesn´t have to pay the $1 00,000 reward." "But be careful." "This cocktopuss is multi-armed... and dangerous." "[ Grrrr]" "Aah!" "Aah!" "Aah!" "Aah!" "Aah!" "Aah!" "Aah!" "Stop!" "No!" "Don´t!" "You´re too big, cocktopuss!" "[ Whimpering ]" "Oh, I´m sorry." "Was it something I said?" "What´s the matter?" "Wow, you have a really big gash." "Oh, you poor thing." "Don´t worry, Mr. Cocktopuss." "I know the one person who can help." "Cocktopuss, I come in peace." "But if need be, I carry pepper spray and a rape whistle." "[ Urrrgh?" "]" "Notch, he doesn´t seem that dangerous." "Well, he´s been very nice to me." "Now, Mr. Cocktopuss, no touching there." "Notch, I´m worried about his health." "Look at that wound." "And he looks hungry." "I´ll bet he lives on Plankton." "Where´s Plankton?" "B.J., Plankton is a small planet." "It´s very close to Krypton." "[ Grrr Grr Grr]" "Hey, you know what he sounds like?" "Anybody seen Free Willy?" "No, but I´ve been offered plenty of it." "Girl, it´s a movie." "It just came to my hood." "The whale in it sounds just like this cockto brother." "Well, it just so happens..." "I speak a little whaleish." "[ Moaning ]" "Uh, Notch?" "You know what?" "We don´t have much time." "I´m gonna go get some help." "Hey, dudes, it´s the German dude." "Oh, what´s up, German dude?" "I want to be a rock star... so I decided to enlist in your music corps." "Music corpse!" "Yeah!" "That´s German!" "Right?" "Ja." "Ja!" "He did it again." "He said, "ja. "" "What was that song you were singing before?" "Oh." "This one." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Musiden, musiden..." "Um, ok, that´s-- Dude, that´s cool." "That´s great." "That´s cool." "But, um, I think it´s gotta have more of a beat." "Yeah, yeah." "Something more like, uh-- Something more like this." "Musiden!" "Musiden!" "Musiden!" "Musiden!" "Go ahead." "Sing." "[ Singing In German ]" "Oh, yeah!" "[ Massengil ] Captain, I want sailboats... motorboats, houseboats... fire boats, rowboats, tugboats, das boots!" "What do you mean, they drowned?" "Get me more men." "Do you read me, mister?" "Excuse me." "Do you remember the Village People?" "My favorite was always the sailor." "Mayor Massengil?" "What is it,Johnson?" "Can´t you see I´m busy?" "I know where the cocktopuss is." "But never too busy for you." "Please, sit down." "Let me fluff this pillow." "Now, you were saying?" "OK, but before I tell you..." "I need a guarantee that no harm will come to the cocktopuss." "I made a promise to B.J., and I intend to keep it." "Notch, how long have you and I been friends?" "We´ve never been friends." "Exactly, and, as a result..." "I´ve never had to lie to you." "I just want to help heal that poor creature... and help it find its home." "OK." "Well, in that case, the cocktopuss is located" "Come on, take it easy!" "Take it easy with the guy." "It´s a harmless animal." "[ Crying ]" "There, there, B.J." "You´re a big, fat liar, Notch Johnson!" "You said you would save him." "I´ll never believe you again." "Never, ever!" "I didn´t know." "Looks like the Massengil Seaquarium... just found its new star attraction." "[ Moaning ]" "Mayor, how can you lie to me like that?" "" Lie"?" "I said I´d help find the cocktopuss a new home." "And I have." "[ Mocking Chuckle ]" "Yeah?" "Well, I´m telling!" "[ B.J. ] Please stop poking my friend!" "No!" "[ Barker] Ladies and gentlemen!" "Ladies and gentlemen!" "Step right this way!" "Right this way!" "And see the 1 2th wonder of the world" "The Magnificent Cocktopuss!" "He dices, he slices." "He´s more dangerous than O.J." "He´s the most ferocious creature... ever to crawl on the ocean floor." "The Cocktopuss!" "And then, I grabbed that cocktopuss... with my bare hands... and I wrestled him to the sand." "[ Reporters Clamoring ]" "Mayor!" "Mayor Massengil!" "Now that you´ve captured the cocktopuss, who gets the reward money?" "Well, since I captured the cocktopuss..." "Malibu Adjacent gets to keep it." "Do you hear that, city council?" " Mayor!" " Mayor!" "Another question!" "That ain´t fair." "You know what I mean, Vern?" "That´s right." "We was the ones that captured that varmint." "That reward money belongs to us." "Yeah, well, don´t you worry... ´cause I got me a little plan." "Like my daddy always said..." "" Don´t get mad." "" Do something to get back at the people... who done made you mad in the first place."" "That´s catchy." "He´s going limp." "I think he´s dying." "It´s like he got kicked right in the tentacles." "I let the mayor trick me." "It´s all my fault." "B.J., there´s an old expression whales are fond of saying" "[ Moaning ]" "It means, please forgive me." "Notch, I forgive you." "All I know is we gotta get the cocktopuss´ scaly ass... back to his cockto crib." "But how?" "Sometimes, you take the law in your own hands." "Sometimes, you do the right thing, baby." "Sometimes... you bust a seaquarium." "Ein, zwei, drei!" "Ein, zwei, drei!" "Musiden!" "Musiden!" "Musiden!" "Musiden!" "Musiden!" "Musiden..." "Musiden!" "Musiden!" "Musiden!" "Musiden!" "Goin´ on!" "Hey, how you doin´?" "I´m an executive from the record company." "I really dig those crazy, way-out sounds... that you kids are makin´... and I wanna sign you cats to a record deal!" "Yeah!" "Wow!" "Yeah!" "Yeah!" "Let me ask you a question." "You guys like groupies?" "Yeah." " [ Snaps Fingers ]" " Oh, no way." "Oh, sweet." "Dude." "Oh!" "Let me ask you another question." "Any of you kids got a drug problem?" "Oh, yeah!" "Good for you!" "Come with me, boy." "I got somethin´ for ya." "Whoo!" "Try and be quiet!" "Notch, why don´t we hoist B.J. up into the air-conditioning vent?" "Good idea." "B.J., I´ll hoist you up to that screen... and see if you can climb through the duct." "Here." "This way." "Wait up!" "[ Farts ]" "I--I see the duct´s end." "Notch!" "OK, I´ll go first... in case there´s any trouble." "But, Notch, there´s no room to get by." "Don´t worry." "Just assume the position." ""Assume the position"?" "What are you, L.A.P.D.?" "Ah heh heh heh!" "Your hair is tickling me." "Shh!" "Notch." "Ow." "B.J., you´re such a tight fit." "This is it." "How we gonna get in, Vern?" "Well, I hadn´t thunk that far ahead yet." "Maybe they just forgot to lock the door." "Are you nuts?" "Well, I´ll be my sister´s husband." "Hee!" "This way." "Look, Notch, a vent." "I´m afraid of heights." "According to my blueprints, you should now be about 6 inches off the ground." "Oh." "Guard!" "[ Snap ]" "[ Gasp ] Whoa!" "Stop." "It´s a laser." "Jamaica, this is your specialty." "You go first." "[ Exhales Deeply ]" "[ Reggae ]" "Jamaica, how low can you go?" "Ooh, Notch, that chloroform worked great." "Actually, it was one of my socks." "[ B.J. ] There he is!" "I told you we´d save you, Mr. Cocktopuss!" "Hold up." "The cocktopuss is buggin´ out." "[ Moaning ]" "He´s pointing´ at somethin´." "Back away from the cocktopuss!" "Yeah." "We found it." "If you ain´t gonna give us the reward money... then we´re gonna take it back and start our own seaquarium." "But if they seen us... they´re gonna know who took the son of a bitch." "We could kill ´em." "Jordan, that´s murder." "Puhh!" "This is California, you idiot." "Oh, yeah." "Good thinkin´." "Rahh!" " Aah!" " Aah!" "Mayday!" "Mayday!" "Hyah!" "Oh..." "Hyah!" "Go, cowgirl." "Now, pull on the rope!" "Pull, Mr. Cocktopuss." "Pull!" "Come on!" "[ B.J. ] I´ve got ´im." "Ha ha!" "We did it." "Oh, Mr. Cocktopuss, I´m so glad we were able to free you." "Yeah." "Now we can finally get your big cockto booty... back to the beach." "No." "Remember?" "You´re not supposed to touch me there." "Ha ha ha!" "Looks like Mr. Cocktopuss is feelin´ kind of... cocky." " Ha ha ha!" " Ha ha ha!" "Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha!" "Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!" "Heh heh heh heh!" "That´s great!" "Heh heh heh!" "Nice job." "Go ahead." "Get in the car over there." "There you go." "Hey, Chip, my man!" "What it is, buddy." "Hey, holmes, whoa!" "Hold on one second." "Hey, got a little thought for ya." "All right, listen." "I don´t think that you´re really the kind of guy... that´s into all the partying and all the girls... and all the stuff that goes with being in a rock band, you know?" "But that sounds great!" "Yeah." "That´s why you´re out." "OK, thank you very much." "But why?" "I thought I was really shaking my groove thing." "That´s show business." "Ha ha ha ha ha!" "Later, cockto, bro." " Grrr!" " Whoo!" "Well, you better take off before the mayor finds us." "[ Whimpering ]" "Take good care of yourself, Mr. Cocktopuss." "I´ll always treasure our friendship." "I can´t believe the cocktopuss got away." "Damn it." "I´ll killJohnson for this." "[ Howling ]" "Hey, that must be Mrs. Cocktopuss." "B.J., he never told you about her?" "Men--they´re all the same." "[ Chuckling ]" "Oh, hi, teens." "Notch Johnson here." "Tonight´s show was about something... you kids are doing a lot of these days... and that´s open-mouth kissing." "Sure, it´s fun." "It´s exciting... and sometimes it tastes good... but open-mouth kissing can also be dangerous." "Diseases can be passed through your saliva... diseases like influenza, and even worse... the sniffles." "That´s why I´d like to recommend... the Notch Johnson tongue condom." "Easy to use, effective, and comfortable." "Watch." "Excuse me, young lady." "Would you like to open-mouth kiss me?" "Are you wearing a tongue condom?" "Then let´s make out." "Wow!" "That´s great." "And you know, teens... it´s less expensive than a pack of cigarettes... or a cheap bottle of wine." "So until the next time... this is Notch Johnson saying... ride the big one."