"Philip, this kitchen is a mess." "I'd appreciate some help, please." "I'm cleaning out the refrigerator." "Check it out." "I got the perfect thing... to surprise Ashley with at her birthday party." "Yo, Geoffrey!" "Come on down!" "I'd really rather not, Master William." "Come on, G, they waiting." "Come on, G, kick it." "Hi, kids." "How are you doodly-do doing?" "I have never been more humiliated in my life." "I'm sorry, but we're not laughing at you." "We're laughing with you." "Yo, that's just them." "I'm definitely laughing at you." "Master William, you could have at least rented a proper clown costume." " There's a nasty little stain on my shirt." " There ain't no stain..." "Right there." " Hi, everybody." " Hi." "Hi, almost-birthday girl." "Well, sweetie, how does it feel to be almost 12?" "Dad, as you get older, birthdays have less and less significance." "You know, I really stopped counting at 10." "Come on, aren't you just a little bit excited about your birthday party?" "I know it's a little immature, but, yes, I can't wait." "What will you wish for when you blow your candles out?" "There is one thing I've been wishing for." " A doll?" " A dress?" " A game?" " No." "A boy!" "Look." "This is a really good picture of him." " Who's he?" " His name is Little T." "You know, that kid singer." "He's not just a kid singer." "He's the coolest, cutest guy in the universe." "Some would beg to differ." "I've been reading all about him." "Listen to this:" ""He loves video games, cheeseburgers, and basketball." ""He hates rainy days, anchovies, and phony people."" "He is so deep." "You're telling me." "He likes all the same stuff I like." "God, I'd love to meet him someday." "I wonder what I'd say." "How about, "Hold the anchovies"?" "Very funny, Carlton." "You know, it's just because you've never really been in love." "I don't like the ugly turn this is taking." "Carlton, what are you talking about?" "I just don't think it's healthy that Ashley's so boy crazy." "Shouldn't she be playing with those toy ponies with the pink hair?" "Carlton, it's just puppy love." "Don't you remember your first crush?" "Yeah." "It was Tootie in The Facts of Life." "Wait." "You had a love thing for Tootie?" "When did you get over it?" "What do you mean "get over it"?" "I'd still love to meet her someday." "I wonder what I'd say." "How about, "Hello, Tootie, I'm Fruity"?" "Just because you've never been in love..." "I've got the perfect idea for Ashley's birthday present." " What's that, sweetheart?" " I know Little T's agent." "He used to go out with my friend Jennifer." "I'll bet he could get Ashley a front row seat at Little T's next concert." "Listen, Hilary, if you know his agent... you can get something twice as good as that." "Two seats." "Let me walk you through this one." "Tomorrow is Ashley's birthday party." "Ashley has a crush on Little T." "Birthday party." "Little T." "Something beginning to gel here?" "Wouldn't it be nice if Little T came to Ashley's birthday party?" "That would be so cute." "Will everybody please be quiet?" "I'm trying to think." "This party has been going on for an hour." "When is Little T gonna get here?" "You know nothing about celebrities." "They always come to parties fashionably late." "For a celebrity, being an hour late is like being half an hour early." "Yeah?" "Well, if he's not here 15 minutes ago, that's his butt." "Hi, kids." "I'm Tidy the Clown." "We are going to play a new game." "It's called Clean Up After Your Spoiled Little Selves." " Mom, Dad, make him stop." " What's the matter, baby?" "Come on, a clown at a birthday party?" "It's so babyish." "No, it's cool." "I'm about to get this party started right." "All right, kids, check it out." "I'm Ashley's cousin, Will... and I'm about to hip y'all to this new style of dancing." "It's called dumb dancing, and no matter what you do... you got to have a serious mug on the whole time." "So y'all peep this here." "All right." "Come on." "Now you give it a try." "Yeah, like that'll be happening." "Yeah, man, who invited the old guy?" "My brother, you want to take this outside?" "Will, will you cut it out?" "You are wrecking the party." "I mean, this stuff is for babies:" "Clowns, dance contests." "Hi, kids." "Prepare to be amazed." "It's time for the great Carltoni." "I wish I was never born." "Great." "Now, that's Little T's agent." "I was the only one who thought Home Alone would make money." "Yeah, that was me." "Got to go." " Lee." " Hilary." "Listen, sorry I'm late, but I was just at Goldie's house... and Goldie and Chevy and Mel were there." "It just turned into a thing and, you know..." "As usual, I had to straighten it out." "But, you know..." "Exactly." "Well, is Little T here?" "Hey, would I lie to you?" "Happy birthday, Ashley." "Are you feeling better?" "I can't believe I just did that." "This is so embarrassing." " It's not so bad." " Come on." "I've always been planning on things to say if I got a chance to meet you." "Then I finally meet you, and I don't even make a sound." "I don't know about that." "You made a pretty good thud when you hit the ground." "Did I really?" "God, I can't even faint right." "Come on." "You mean this is the most embarrassing thing that's ever happened to you?" " I guess not." " What was?" "I can't tell you." "It's too embarrassing." "I'll tell you my most embarrassing moment." "I was dressing for gym class during a fire drill... and I had to run out of the building in my drawers." "Okay, I'll tell you mine." "It was the Honor Day assembly." "I was sitting with my legs crossed for the whole time." "And when they called my name for the English award..." "I stood up and started across the stage, only my leg was asleep." "And then, thwap!" "I fell flat on my face." "Come to think of it... most of my embarrassing moments involve me hitting the floor." "You're really funny." "You're really cool, too." " Who, me?" " Yeah." "Look, I've got to go." "Sorry we didn't have more time to talk." "I mean, what with you being unconscious and all." " Okay, thanks for coming." " Sure." " Look, you want to go out sometime?" " Who, me?" "I thought we'd go out for pizza tomorrow night." "I mean, if you're free." "I'd have to check my calendar, but I think I'm free." "Okay, then can I come around 7:00?" " Okay." " Okay, then." " I guess I'll go now." " I'll walk you to the door." "I'm hungry." "Would you like a sandwich?" "No, thanks, Mom." "I'm just too excited." "I can never eat before a big date." "Do I look okay?" "Hilary, it's not even your date." "It's Ashley's date." "Yeah, but still, do I look okay?" "Hilary, baby, calm down." "I'm sorry, Mom, but this is the most exciting day in a girl's life." "I mean, it's Ashley's first date." "And it's with a celebrity." "It is so gratifying to see her developing the right values." " Guys, don't do that." " What?" "You know, sigh like that." "You make me feel like Benji." "Okay." "We're just excited, that's all." "We'll calm down." " Thanks." "Could you check my hair?" " Sure." "Thanks." "I'm gonna go in the living room and wait for Little T." "Just a second." "Baby, I just want to get one picture." "Mom, not the camcorder." "But, sweetheart, this is your first date." " This only happens once in your life." " Thank God." "Okay, now turn around so we can see your pretty dress." "Go back out and come in again the way you did." "Go on." "Hilary, you sit there drinking your coffee the way you were." "That was great." "No, Mom." "Let's do it again." "I wasn't happy with what I did." "Ashley, go back out again." "Guys, will you cut it out?" "You're driving me crazy." "He's a very special boy... and I don't want to be so nervous that I mess things up." "In case you don't remember, this is my first date." "I'm telling you, Uncle Phil, he kissed her right on her mouth." "It was really more on the cheek." "Yeah, but he was aiming for her mouth and he missed." "The kid is not only aggressive, but inaccurate... and that's a dangerous combination." "You're getting all worked up over nothing." "He's just a 13-year-old boy." "Uncle Phil, you don't understand." "This is serious." "I know what goes on in the mind of a 13-year-old boy." "Considering you still have the mind of a 13-year-old boy." "Will's got a good point." "When I was 13, I harbored some pretty impure thoughts about Tootie." "Look, I wasn't thrilled about her going out in the first place." "She's only 12." "But she had her heart set on it." "Besides, the kid's agent is chaperoning." "So what could possibly happen?" "That's them." "This discussion is at an end." "Master T and Mr. Lee Cohen." "Hey, you're English." "You know, I represent some English bands." " Ever heard of Duran Duran?" " Why, yes." "When they came to me, they were just Duran." "I added the second Duran, and bang-o!" "You must be so proud." "Hi, Mr. Banks." "I brought some flowers for Ashley." "Now, that's sweet." "Isn't that sweet, Will, Carlton?" "Yeah, real sweet." " This evening should be fun." " I hope it will be, son." "Ashley's in the kitchen." "Why don't you join her?" "Isn't that sweet?" "He seems really excited about his first date." "First date?" "Dream on." " First date today, maybe." " Pardon me?" "When he's on tour, he's gotta beat the chicks away with a stick." "Wish I had a piece of that action." " Action." " Isn't that sweet?" "You kids have a great time at the pizza place." "We will." "Did you hear that? "We will."" "All right, kids." "Let's party." "Okay, sweetie." "Bye-bye." "Have a good time." " Have fun, you guys." " Bye-bye." " Follow them." " Out." "When I first read the script of Pretty Woman... it was called Attractive Woman." "I said, "Come on, guys, let's go all the way with this."" "So they changed the title, and bang-o!" " So, what's your favorite video game?" " Tetris." " Me, too." " I brought my Game Boy." " So you want to play?" " Okay." "He's got his arm around her already." "That's the same arm I used when I was 13." " It's that love arm." " We better work fast." "Let's roll." "Hey, Ashley, Little T, what's going on?" "What are you two doing here?" "Uncle Phil got hungry, so he sent us to pick up a dozen pizzas." " Ashley, can I speak to you for a minute?" " Excuse me." " What do you want?" " Don't get upset, but it's your hair." "It's doing a weird kind of bird's nest thing." "You might wanna get a hairbrush and fix it." "I'll be right back." "I'm gonna be straight with you." "You're going out with my little cousin." "You better not try nothing." "Don't give me that innocent role." "I know what you people in the music business are like." "Makes me sick." "Sorry, but I don't know what you're talking about." "Perhaps this will refresh your memory." "From the current issue of Right On!" "magazine." "There's a picture of you at the recent Soul Train Awards." "Maybe you'd be kind enough to tell us who this bimbo is on your arm." "That's my mom." "Sorry." "All right." "You covered yourself on that one... but what about this girlie action you been getting on tour?" "Your agent told me all about it." "Did you believe my agent?" "Man, he lies about everything." "He told me I could have a career in singing." "Look, guys, with all the recording, touring, and my homework..." "I haven't had any time for girls." "To tell you the truth, this is my first real date." "I knew that." "I just brought Carlton down 'cause I had to prove it to him." "Let's go." "Carlton, I looked at my hair and it was fine." "If you two don't mind, I'd like to continue with my date alone." " Okay, we're going." " Check you later, Ash." " What was that all about?" " I don't know." "Don't worry about it." " So, you want to play some more Tetris?" " Okay." " I'm really having a good time, Ashley." " So am I." "I don't believe you, Philip." "Sending Will and Carlton to spy on your own daughter?" "What's wrong with that?" "She is my daughter." "I'd do it again, damn it." "Word to big bird." "Just say the word and we there, Uncle Phil." "But this was such a big night for Ashley." "Mom and I were so happy for her." "What got into you guys?" "I know it was a big night for her." "I knew it had to come sometime." "I just didn't think it would come so soon." "She's really growing up." "I guess it's time for us to stop butting into her life so much." "No, it's not!" "Hi, everybody." " How did it go?" " I'm not going to talk about it." "Come on." "Please." "Okay." "Well, he did kiss me." "I want to hear all the details." "We'll pop some popcorn, do our nails... and you can tell me every single thing that happened tonight." "I'd like a written copy of that report." "Ashley, sweetie... when you walked in from that date with that smile on your face..." " That's a moment I will always remember." " That's nice, Mom." "Could you go out and do it again, and I'll go get the camcorder?" " Mom." " Okay, just asking." "Good night." "My little princess." "I cannot believe my little girl went out on a real date tonight." "He's a really nice guy, Daddy." "I know, but there's something you should know, sweetheart." "What?" "I'm never gonna like anybody you bring home." " That's awfully fair of you." " It's not that they're not good." "It's just that nobody is good enough for you." "Good night, Daddy." "Look, I'm just sorry I wrecked your date." "You didn't, Will." "It was the most wonderful night of my life." "Really?" "That's great." "I think your second date will be even better... 'cause when you're 21, you can appreciate these things more." "Will, I'm going out with him again next Saturday." "Next Saturday I'm busy." "You'll have to change that." "I know you're busy." "That's why I made it for then." " Good night, Will." " Good night, Ash." "You should try rapping." "When you're rapping, you mess up the words... and make up some new ones right there on the spot." "Let's try this." "I'll sing one line, you make up a line to rhyme it." " Okay." " All right." "Let's see." ""You didn't get into Miss Berkley's chorus"" " I'm thinking, all right?" " That's all right." "We got all day." " Okay, I've got it." " Here we go." ""You didn't get into Miss Berkley's chorus"" ""I'd like to hit her in the head with Roget's Thesaurus"" ""Don't need no choir when you're a rapper"" ""Gonna hunt Miss Berkley down and zap her"" ""Got this whole town of Bel-Air buzzing"" ""Get a load of me and my rapping cousin""