"I'm not lying." "but I just don't." "the stuff that sticks in your head." "not even when it's right there happening." "Sometimes that's the stuff that sticks." "Sometimes the most important stuff Goes away." "it's like it was never there to begin with." "I can't remember that day." "But I couId tell you forward and backward about some day when I was five and my dad bought me a stupid ice-cream cone." "I couId tell you the flavour of the ice cream..." "It was...pink bubble gum." "..and even stuff about the girl who scooped it out." "red like I'd never seen before." "but..." "I don't remember that day." "not the stuff that they want me to." "I remember it was the first really hot day of spring." "I remember how the sun felt on the back of my neck." "That's about it." "Here 's another one of those things that sticks." "This one is something a friend of mine said to me." "kiddo. "" "I remember it right down to that "kiddo " part." "the same thing always comes into my head..." "What if you can't put the pieces together in the first place?" "his teeth as white as snow" "?" "What a gas it was to see him" "?" "Walk her every day" "?" "into a shady place she said..." "Erm..." "Just hold on one sec." "Paul Let's have a ball..." " Come in." "Beck?" "Good." "I'm pretty good." "how are you?" "Where's Ryan?" "Mrs Pollard." "it's like she doesn't wanna listen to us." "I just don't think I sounded as good as the other girls." "Kate's the real singer." "I think it's a good experience for you." "You've never done one of the musicals." "this is the first and the last." "time to sing." "?" "I'm eating soup soupy soup" "You're supposed to make it sound all natural." "I love your voice." "You'd say that if I sounded like a harpy with throat cancer." " You think it's bad?" " No." "Of course not." "?" "Stuck here out of gas" "?" "Out here on the Gaza Strip..." "Damn." "Tim wallace from the Drama Department at Iowa." "Just checking up on you." "Wondered if we can expect to see you in the fall." "Give me a call here at the office." "I 'II be in tomorrow." "let him know you settled on ASU." " You did send your confirmation?" " I think I still have a few days." "the shop called." "They say you can pick up your car." " What's the damage?" "that's a great sign!" "Hello?" "I can't understand you." "What?" "What happened?" "I'll..." "I'll be right there." "Lee?" "Lee?" "Mommy." "Are you all right?" "Er..." "I think I made a mistake." "I can't imagine too many details have been released... ..suspect's here." "Do they have any leads?" "chief?" "you know I gotta stay on top of the topical shit." "some SFK." "Ten bucks says the SFK in question winds up in your class tomorrow." " Why would he be Special Handling?" " You can get by with a Iot of shit in this world but you can't stab a retarded kid 20 times and not be special handling." "20 times?" "It would be OK if it were only 1 9?" "SFK. chief." "Sick Fucking Kid." "Do you get music on that?" "What?" "Do you have a normal radio in here for music? you'd want some music to help pass the time." "He didn't do this." "I only need to see him for a minute." "Please." "please..." "One minute." "please." "one minute." "so I need you to turn around." "..apprehended the alleged suspect at an area hospital earlier this evening." "LeIand!" "LeIand FitzgeraId!" "LeIand!" "Did you do it?" "Leland?" "Because of the sadness." "What sadness?" "Whose sadness?" "Your sadness." "We 'II be right back." "The Jiffy Lube signature service oil change..." "Show me hands." "Step." "gentlemen." "let's walk." " Briefcase?" " Briefcase." "Hi." "Good morning." "I was wondering if I could borrow a stamp?" "Let me see." "Erm... so I'm not really sure where they keep stuff." "I blanked on a phone bill." "I'm gonna be in debtor's prison if I don't get it in the mail." "Getthe bills." "I understand." "Here we are." "Thanks." "I'm Pearl." "Tomorrow's a formality." "The judge will glance at your file and send you back here." "After that comes the fitness hearing... ..and then the adjudication." "Lee." "They're gonna charge you with first-degree murder." "you're looking at the death penalty." "life." "Do you have any concept of what life means?" "Charlie." "It means life in prison." " Good morning." " Hey." "chief? killer of retarded kids." "Kid." "singular." "You'll never guess who his daddy is." "I'll put 50 bucks on Satan." "Albert Fitzgerald." "I was close." " What's wrong with Fitzgerald?" " Let me see... a misogynist..." " Cat can write." " He's despicable." "Despicable?" "He's a bastard." "So what?" "You don't judge a writer by his life." "You judge him by his work." "A different moral standard going on here." "ma'am." "Could I look at your paper?" "erm..." "Business or Life?" "thank you." "Excuse me." "but... aren't you an actor?" "no." "a famous actor." "a movie star actor." "I know your face." "the one about the alcoholic pirates." "I played Captain Morgan." "dear." "dog?" "dog? cos I already know you did some fucked-up shit. you know he's an SH cos he ratted out some bitch from State Street." "Now half the pop wants to stick a fucking pencil to his eye." "huh?" "Especially not white boys like you who don't look like no Slim Shady." "huh?" "dog." "please." "You'll have to forgive Mr Madison today." "He's moving kinda slow." " His head's beating like it's the end of the world." " You been drinking that cheap ass burgundy." "sir." "two litres." "I couldn't pass it up." "are new to my class." " What's your name?" " Fitzgerald." "Leland P Fitzgerald." "my name is Pearl Madison. your anything else teacher all rolled into one for however long you'll be here with us." "dog? I'm sure she would be delighted to meet you hoodlums." "Liar." "Mrs Pollard." "I suppose I have." "Need a light there?" "I...don't feel so bad." "too." "How could he have been that much to someone?" "How could he mean enough for that boy to hurt him?" "He was barely there." "I really don't know what to say." "Um..." "But I just want you to know just tell me." "sweetheart." "you see the city... right?" "There 's just rivers and shit?" "yeah." "They don't even allow cars on the island." "You can hear footsteps." " What's that?" "all you can hear is footsteps." "bro." "that the suicide rate ofVenice is real low." "right?" "why don't we expand on that theory tomorrow?" "you guys." "Go ahead and bring your books up to the front." "B?" "I was kinda wondering..." "Maybe I could keep this and do some writing in my room?" "I can't allow you to take anything out." "But I'll keep it up here safe for you." "um..." "I'm jealous." " When did you go to Italy?" " My dad lives in Paris." "we travel together." "I guess I'll see you tomorrow." "huh?" "Was it some kind of devil worship thing?" "What did you do to your hand?" "I stabbed myself." "I'd say try the stomach or somethin'." "I just wanted to know what it felt like." "I bet it hurt." "I would have saved you some trouble." "the pencil goes in your sock." "Thanks." "I'm just glad to see somebody's writing." "Pearl?" "Can I ask you a question?" "It's about your name." "why Pearl?" " You like basketball?" " Sure." "there was this guy who played for the Knicks." "His name was Earl Monroe." "His nickname was The Pearl." "right." "my parents were in Queens then." "My mom was a dancer." "She hated sports." "But somehow my dad talked her into going to check out a game at the Garden." "dropped 33 points on the Celtics." "all my mom could do was talk about how watching him play because he moved like poetry... man! that was pretty much all the story I got." "I'm knocking a few back with my dad." "And he embellishes." "they went back to Queens." "my dad spared me the details here." "But um...the condom broke." "whoops." " Here comes Pearl." " Here comes Pearl." "the sock." "I know what they want from me." "They want a why." "something to tie up with a little Bow and bury in the back yard." "it's like it never happened." "They want me to say how I'm so sorry and it was my mom's fault" "or it happened because of TV or movies or... some junk like that." "Or maybe I blame some girl." "Not even when you were a little kid?" "You never thought about whether there was angels or not?" "Maybe when I was a little kid." "My grandmother died when I was real little." "every time..." "I stole candy or fought with my mom or... I'd get this real bad feeling." "looking down on me." "I don't think that they frown on us." "I think that... they look after us." "like guardian angels." "make sure... make sure everything's OK." "how come everything's not OK most of the time?" "maybe they're lazy." "What?" "lazy angels." "drinking beer and playing darts." "Lee. make sure that..." "..everything's gonna be OK." "Your hair smells like... strawberries." "it's not my hair." "I still like it." " Look at me." "OK?" "I want you to say that you're always gonna be there." "Sometimes I'm somewhere else." "Just tell me that everything's... gonna be OK." "I can't really make sure everything's OK." "but..." "Sometimes you say things that aren't... totally true." "But you say them anyways because... maybe..." "maybe that's good enough." "Just..." "Just tell me everything's gonna be OK." "soft?" "Everything's gonna be OK." "well... right?" "Course you gotta stay." "I recognise that." "but you know..." "I recognise it." "Miranda." "it's water." "Listen." "Ah!" "Sweet H2O." "Yeah." "it's fine." "The writing's going fine." "The truth?" "OK." "Um... I think I'm coming out of the gate with something fresh and... it winds up being a different spin on Boneyard." "I've basically been rewriting the same story for three years and I still can't get the damn thing published." "honey." "but you're not really a writer unless people are reading your shit." "look... really." "I am." "I'm fired up about all this." "I love that it's going so well for you." "This might be that big break you've been looking for." "you've gotta tear into that shit like a rabid dog." "I recognise that." "It'd just be a lot easier if you were here." "..FitzgeraId's arrest." "Why did you do it?" "Any connection between the two teens is unclear." "We 'II have more news right after this." "Nobody enjoys shopping for auto insurance." "but try and do it when you've had three speeding tickets." "Or an accident. when we burned with something close to fire." "we sway to a different rhythm." "Lives lived without meaning or even directed hope." "The passage of time measured only by loss. loss of a minivan..." "..a son." "Beth." "Are you OK?" "What?" "what did you say?" "I asked if you were OK." "right?" "Kinda seemed like he was bothering you." "That's OK." "Er...it happens all the time." "I think it's the uniform." "I have to wear it atthis school that I go to." "And it's supposed to be really plain." "The whole point of wearing it is so you don't stand out." "I think all it really does is turn on horny old guys." "Is it a Catholic school?" "it's pretty much the opposite." "It's for people who messed up." "Messed up in what way?" "different ways." "what way did you mess up?" "Did you really come over here to ask me about my screwed-up life?" "I came over here cos..." "I thought that guy was bothering you." "And because I think you're really pretty." "People don't really say pretty any more." "They say stuff... they say... ..stuff is beautiful or cute but..." "I like the way it sounds." "It's..." "It's a cool word." "Thanks for calling me pretty." "I'm Leland." "Leland P Fitzgerald." "Becky." "Becky Pollard." "I don't blame Becky." "I guess I'm supposed to be upset about what happened with her." "I'm supposed to cry and all thatjunk." "But I'm pretty sure I've cried all the tears I had out of me by now." "The last time I cried was Grandma's funeral." "Here's another one of those things that sticks." "I remember this other kid." "Some cousin of mine or something." "He was sitting there real polite with his hands folded up in his lap." "I figured that was the way you were supposed to be." "I didn't want that kid to see me crying." "anyway." "That's when I figured out that tears couldn't make someone who was dead alive again." "?" "We were given some time..." "There's another thing to Iearn about tears." "They can't make somebody who doesn't love you any more love you again." "it's Beck." "It's the same thing with prayers." "trying to make things that happened unhappen." "the devil makes more sense than God does." "I can at Ieast see why people would want him around." "It's good to have somebody to blame for the bad stuff they do." "Wha..." "What's wrong?" "Nothing." "I sh..." "It's just that this is going kinda fast." "I'm not saying that's bad...or anything." "This just isn't normally how I operate." "Oh." "Particularly not with somebody from work." "how long does it normally take you to seduce one of your co-workers?" "I didn't seduce you." " No?" " No." "come on." "You're beautiful." "You're beyond that." "You have no idea how beautiful you are." "You're deadly." "You're deadly." "I'm powerless before you." " You hanging out for a while?" "I'm staying." "Cool." "you know." "That makes me happy." "Cos..." "I kinda wanted to kiss you." "?" "I had no light to follow... to say it right." "So can I kiss you?" "three days I tried" "?" "To wake me up but no" "?" "My flesh had turned to snow" "?" "And I thought I had died..." "I missed you." " I always miss you." "?" "I have seen the face of God" "?" "And I was not afraid" "?" "I have seen the face of God" " So you're a writer?" " Well..." "You're not really a writer unless people are reading your shit." "I'm an aspiring writer." "What do you write about?" "Did you hear about that kid?" "The one who stabbed that retarded kid?" "Yeah." "I'm gonna write about him." "I'm gonna write a book about Leland P Fitzgerald." "Maybe God's there because people get scared of all the bad stuff they do." "They figure that God and the devil are always playing this tug-o '-war game with them." "And they never know which side they're gonna wind up on." "Boo!" "you're a real goofball sometimes." "speaking of goofballs..." "Ryan." "Sing a song." "Ryan." "See you tomorrow." " Thanks." "It's nice... nice to meet you." "Sing a song!" "but watch." "?" "l-l-l-ltsy-bitsy spider no!" "he gets all mad at you." "goofy?" "I guess that tug-o'-war idea explains how sometimes..." "it still turns out bad." "Madison." "Why does this minor deserve special consideration?" "I recognise you're wanting to preserve the whole "treat everybody equal" thing." "But this kid is different." "You can't deny that." "We've never seen a case like this before." "Nobody has." "no." "I will not have you meeting with any minor outside the classroom." "Am I clear?" "Very clear." "right?" "So he explained how all this works?" "You don't have to enter a plea or say a word here." " I'm not gonna enter a plea." " OK." "I'm just gonna tell them that I did it." "then you're gonna get shuttled out of here in a heartbeat." "man." "I wanna get a chance to know what the US of L is all about." "I thought you said your girlfriend was in Los angeles?" "She is." "how do you explain the smell?" "What smell?" "The smell of a girl." "Will you at least think about what I said?" "I think about a lot of things." "Hey!" "Mr Pollard." "Becky's friend." "What happened?" " He rode his bike through some branches." "I told him to cut it out but he just kept going." "let me just have a look..." "If we don't leave in the next ten minutes..." "Where's Becky?" " What did he do?" " It's nothing." "It's just a torn sleeve." " Sing a song." " I'll get him changed." "I don't think he was trying to screw up anything." "It just kinda seemed like something he had to do." "thanks for making sure he got home." "so..." "Did you see Beckytoday?" "Did she mention anything about something coming up?" "I waited for her after school but she didn't show up." "So..." "I guess she just didn't wanna see me today." "But it's really no big deal for me to take Ryan home." "Kinda get a bang out of him." "You need a ride home?" "Allen's about ready to head out for baseball practice." "I'm sure he wouldn't mind giving you a lift." "Mr Pollard." "Are you going to work?" "No." "I mean... a couple of things." "Why did you do it?" "I got it." "Check the door." " Stop here." "kid." "your Honour." "The minor's lack of a criminal record and the exemplary school performance are irrelevant matters here due to the severity of the charges." "And I am denying your request that the minor be remanded into the custody of his mother." "young man?" "Your Honour." "Do you live at the PoIIards'?" "I know what you're thinking." " It's a little strange?" " No." "it's just not what I was thinking." "I think it's kinda strange sometimes." "My mom died last summer." "A car accident." "My dad's a Iot closer with Tanya." "That's my older sister." "so it really wasn't a big deal for him when I moved." "right?" "you can just drop me off at school." "I'm not going another way or anything." "It's really no big deal to take you home." "Mr Pollard said you had a baseball practice or something." "No." "I quit last week." "Why did you quit?" "I was playing terrible." "I couldn't get my head in the game." "so..." "But Julie and I are going to ASU next year." "then." " Briefcase?" " Briefcase." "Thanks." "Appreciate it." "I'm the one going home with play-off tickets." "man." "The Suns never get out of the first round." "we play up tempo?" "Damn fine ball club." "Your lips." "huh?" "What do you mean?" "It's always hard for me to picture these pimply little mama's boys doing what you know they did." "But this one even more so than the others." "I can't see this kid hurting a fly." "He's definitely fascinating." "you're the writer." "You give it a word." "That's precisely what I plan to do." "have you ever read Proust?" "I know what you want from me." "Yeah?" "I just..." "I just want you to have somebody to talk to." "It's the same thing they want from the trial." "What's that?" "You want a why." "maybe there isn't one." "Maybe..." "Maybe this is just something that happened." "Excuse me." " lsn't the game on?" " What game?" "Could you please just change the channel?" "Yeah." "too." "I like that title." "It's not supposed to mean I'm the President or anything." "Mostly it's just a joke." "what do you write about?" "how I see the world." "Pearl?" "Full of possibilities." "positive things." "What about you?" "There's two ways to see it." "where life is OK." "Where maybe stuff's wrong but you just don't see it." "What's the other way?" "When you see what's really there." "The sadness?" "He didn't give you any idea what that might have meant?" "He didn't say much." "all he said was that he'd made a mistake." "I saw his hand and I drove him to the hospital." "He didn't make a sound on the drive." "It's always there." "Even when stuff looks good." "couples are kissing and junk." "people just look right through it." "What's the "it"?" "what don't they see?" "Just how everything's always slipping away." "How everyone's always kind of dying inside." "How sad everybody really is." "And seeing things this way makes you feel sad?" "It doesn't make me feel much of anything." "Did you notice anything different about him?" "Today?" "When he visited." "Nothing unusual." "from the moment I picked him up at the airport..." "..something wasn't right with him." "I figured maybe the two of you had a fight." "No." "Perhaps he was just upset about that girl." "things don't work out between people." "And it's nobody's fault." " That's a very mature approach." " I don't know." "you tell me." "How's your girl?" "Miranda's great." "I meant the other girl." "that's just something that happened." "Would it hurt Miranda if she found out about this something that happened?" "Yeah." "why did you do it?" "She's not gonna find out." "Does that make it OK?" "OK?" "OK?" "I'm not even really sure where we stand." "man." "It's funny how people only say that after they do something bad." "I'm only human" after they rescue a kid from a burning building." " Thanks for the ride." " You bet." "Leland." "There's something I wanted to tell you... about Becky." "right?" "She told me she messed up." "You didn't ask how?" "I figured she'd tell me if it was important." "It was drug stuff." "I don't wanna tell you anything you don't wanna hear." "you can tell me." "You can tell me." "Kevin." "20." "He's a drug dealer." "She ran away with him for a while last year." "really messy." "Mrs Pollard had to go pull her out of there." " But..." " What?" "Kevin got out of jail today." "Mrs Pollard." "The receipt will take a minute so I'll go ahead and bring her round." "What's the damage?" "I didn't even look." "I just signed." " What's today?" "The date today?" " It's the 24th." "Julie is running up against the ASU deadline." "didn't you?" " Yeah." "erm..." "Maybe... you know." "I don't know." "Maybe she just wants to make sure it's the best place for her." "the way you look at her even when she's asleep." "T ake care of Julie for me." "too." "She's all I have left." "Look at that sunshine." "I don't even remember what it feels like." "What did you do to get in here?" "wrong time." "That's against the law?" "it is." "devil boy." "Long live Satan." "pick up." "I know you're sitting there with a bottle of wine watching basketball." "I can see you." "fine." "Um..." "I miss you and I wanna see you again already." "maybe you could come up and visit." "I know it wasn't part of the plan but... could you check on the name Martin angle?" "er...one second." "Could you check David Stith?" "S-T-l-T-H." "there 's just one more." "edgar Pinkerton." "could you tell me the room number that Mr... that's fine." "That's fine." "Is there a bar in the hotel?" "Hi." "excuse me?" "They won't let me get a pitcher if I'm alone so I was wondering if I could say that I'm drinking with you?" "Fiction or non?" "Fiction." "but you should have checked at the bar first." " They don't have anything on tap here." " Ah." "thank you." "I'm sorry to be intruding like this." "But I'm a big fan." "I've read everything you've ever written." "Edgar Falling included. so..." "I'm not going to read your passionate semi-autobiographical first novel and pass it on to my agent." "I work at the juvenile hall where Leland's being detained." "How's he holding up?" "He's fine." "so he's isolated now." "Can you get me in to see him?" "I don't have that kinda juice." "I'm just a teacher there." "Visiting day's next Sunday if you wanna..." "You don't think I'm aware of that?" "Did he do it?" "I'm not really allowed to talk about that outside the facility." "Perhaps he told you something?" "Yeah." "he says he did it." "either." "he's very detached." "he seems completely disinterested in his own fate." "Uninterested in his own fate?" "you're wrong." "There are no private spaces in my son's heart reserved for me." "There never have been." "You moved to Paris... '95?" "So Leland was...?" "Chronologies have never been my strong suit." "for moving away?" "I'm not really that adept at gauging people's emotional reactions to events." "I disagree." "I've read your books." "so have I." "They haven't helped." "right?" "so..." "What are your visits like?" "right?" "I'm sorry?" "Fiction." "You're not here out of some selfless devotion to my son or your admiration for my work." "you're here because you smell a good book." "And I'm Chapter Two." "I wanna write about your son." "But I don't wanna exploit him." "There's no distinction." "Good luck with your novel." "Maybe I'll pick it up in the supermarket checkout line one of these days." "I haven't actually seen my dad since I was six." "I thought you travelled with him?" "Well... every year since I was 1 2." "But you never went to Paris?" "I never really talked to my dad after he left." "junk like that." "he just decided he wanted me to come visit him for Christmas." "then catch a plane to Paris." "I just kinda decided to stay in New York." "I told my dad about how there was this sort of electricity in the air there and how I wanted to stay." "He was OK with it." "He even said something like I was a real neat kid for doing it." "I couldn't find a hotel." "No-one would give me a room." "They were all so worried to give a kid a room." "But it didn't seem to bother them to send that same kid onto the street with no place to go." "So I decided to hide out for a while." "And I found this movie theatre." "this family came and sat down next to me." "I guess he noticed the two big duffel bags that I had next to me." "He made some corny joke about whether I was staying for a while." "I told him how I came to be in New York." "That got the mom's attention." "Her name 's angela." "But I called her Mrs CaIderon then." "She was worried about me." "She said I couId come stay with them for the holidays." "I said it sounded pretty good." "You could tell her place cost a fortune." "And her daughter... but OK." "and I wasn't into it then." "but particularly Mrs CaIderon." "I just loved looking into her eyes." "It was like they reflected the electricity of the whole city." "I didn't feel lonely at all when I was around her." "She kinda made me feel like... everything was OK." "Or like stuff was wrong but you couldn't see it? I kinda figured maybe I'd just go back to New York instead." "But this ticket was for Italy." "see the world that way." "It could be our little secret." "Where did you go the last time?" "my dad said I should see New York in the spring." "Did you see the Calderons?" "Did something happen?" "it's a big city." "Something's always happening in New York." "dude?" " Where is she?" "Where's who?" "And who are you?" "alien!" "let's go." " Where are we going?" "Go where?" "get dressed." "I'm gonna take you home." "Come on." "man..." "I'm not gonna beat you." "But this isn't fucking right." "This is my place." "I don't know who the fuck you are." "I just wanna know..." "OK?" "Stop!" "Do you have any idea what you're doing to her family?" "Do you care?" " Stop!" " Do you even fucking care?" " Stop kicking him!" "Stop!" " You're destroying her family!" "Stop!" "You fucking junkie!" "Stupid junkie fuck." "I don't think I know what the definition of love is." "You know in your heart if you love somebody." "But it's not in your heart." "Love's on your tongue." "that's all." "did you tell Becky you loved her?" "She said she loved you?" "right?" "I'm not angry with her." "I was never angry with her." "you're practically entitled to it." "Why?" "You're only human." "aren't you?" "Pearl." "Thank you for what you did today." "I think we should talk." "but..." "I found that letter." "I found the letter to Iowa." "And er..." "I understand." "But...why didn't you tell me?" "you know?" "It's OK." "because I can go out there with you and I'll..." "I'll apply to school there next semester." "it's about us." "Oh." "OK." "you know what I think." "So... you should say it." "Because I don't have anything." "Maybe we shouldn't plan like we're gonna move off together." "Does that mean what?" "Does that mean we're...not going to or...?" "but... like we're married since you moved in." " And everything's so set... but er..." "I wanted us all to talk about tomorrow." "we'll be right there." "and..." "Maybe it was just... you know?" "Or that we both changed." "I haven't changed." "I haven't changed." "Then I've changed." "And what I want has changed." "I don't want you to go out with me to Iowa." "I'm really sorry." "Julie!" "Julie." "Julie." "here's the definition." "when they're your first thought in the morning and your last thought at night." "but it is in your head." "OK." "do you think about Becky?" "All the time." "I promise." "If you have to wake me up in the middle of the night it kinda makes it seem like I do have something to worry about." "I just wanted to see a familiar face." "I just wanted someone to talk to." "Talk to at two o'clock in the morning?" "but..." "I didn't... right?" "I can count on you." " Do you love this guy?" " No." "You don't have to be afraid to tell me the truth." "I don't know." "You don't know?" "No." "I..." "OK?" "I just..." "I'm confused and I don't..." "I don't really mean... you know?" "It's just I really wanted to see you because you're so good to me." "But that's not enough." "it's not like that." "Please." "OK?" "I need you really badly." "OK?" "Just...trust me." "honey." "Is everything OK?" "Shit!" "Shit..." "Hello?" "I didn't hear the phone ring." "erm... he's in the shower." "Can I...?" "Hello?" " Hello?" "I can explain it." "But I can't explain it if..." "Mira..." "I'm not gonna lie to you." "I wanna talk." "rational..." "OK?" "Mira..." "If you'd just let me fucking explain." "come on." " I just wanna know if you fucked her." " That's not relevant to what we're doing here." "what are we doing here?" " We're talking." "I'm talking." "I'm trying to help you." "Maybe I'm trying to help you." "I'm not the one who did something wrong to get here." "Just because what I did is wrong doesn't make what you're doing right." "I never said right." "I never made that distinction." "Right." "You only said you were human." "I'm a bastard." "Does that do it?" "OK?" " And you wanted to." "you wanted to fuck that other girl." "I wanted to." "I wanted to." "I don't see what's wrong with me asking you that." "right?" "We went to my place." "And er..." "There was a message on the machine from Miranda." "There was just this earthquake in LA." "she was terrified." "I fucked some other chick." "I knew it was wrong but... ..I did it anyway." "you know what the funny thing about earthquakes is? because they saw a little girl's shoe in the road and no little girl around." "they forget all about it." "It still shows you that there's goodness in people." "at least." "People make mistakes." "People are fallible." "Leland. most people don't have the inner strength it takes to do good all the time." "I guess." "what happened with Becky?" "but it isn't." "It's not about why." "I fucked up." "too." "you know what happened." "She broke up with me for that other guy." "OK?" "don't." "things don't work out." "It's nobody's fault." "That's bullshit." "That's bullshit!" "It's her fault." "She lied to you." "you did." "I get... you know?" "I'm not like you." "but it doesn't seem like it matters one way or another." "It matters." "you got angry." "Prove it to me." "Show it to me." "How do I show it?" "You said things and you did things that it didn't make any sense to say and do." "but you did them anyway." "yell atyou?" "should I scream atyou?" "Hit you?" "it matters?" "I love you." "What else can I say?" "Nothing I say is gonna change anything." "Cos you love somebody else." "I didn't like being the kind of person that did that." "What kind of person?" "Like everybody else?" "I didn't like the way it felt." "right?" "man. what it feels like to be alone." "There was... something that was kind of a lie." "About what?" "It's about how it doesn't make me feel much of anything." "but..." "When you can't?" "I don't know." "It covers my eyes." "It's just all I can see." "there's some kids playing baseball." "All I see is the one kid they won't let play because he tells corny jokes." "No-one thinks they're funny. you know... who just cheat on each other and can't even look each other in the eye." "And I feel it." "I feel all of their sadness." "I feel it probably even worse than that sad old couple or that corny kid will ever feel it." "Do you feel like that now?" "I keep it out." "Did you feel like that after you fought with Becky?" "maybe." "After you got back from New York?" "It doesn't matter." "Cos telling you about it and getting you all sad and junk... it never changes anything." "Cos nothing can make what happened unhappen." "sir?" "this isn't the time." "We were hoping that you might just... please... thank you for that." " But we were hoping that you might..." " Hoping I might what?" "Hoping I might what?" "We're in grief here." " How is that a story?" " Harry..." "How is my daughter crying a story?" "all right?" "We just..." "We lost a child." "And we wanna be left alone." "How difficult is that to understand?" "I apologise." "you go talk to that kid's parents." "Harass them!" "Ask them how they raised a monster!" "not us." "I'm sorry.." "I want it to be over." "I know." "But it's never gonna be over!" "It's never gonna be over." "You ever think the whole thing doesn't make sense?" "they take all this stuff away from you." "girls and sunshine. you never wanna screw up again." "you know." "Like you're this small thing that doesn't matter for anything. you don't even feel like a human person any more." "they can't even make a lay-up out there." "It's important to me that she knows that I didn't know." "Promise me you'll tell her I didn't know." "I promise." "Elden wants to see you." "Look..." "OK?" "isn't it?" "Excuse me." "that 2002 finally give up the ghost on you?" "Empty it out." "Empty out the cash register." "OK?" "OK?" "not me." "hey!" "OK?" "just don't move." " I don't have a bag." " Hand it to me." "come on!" "Thank you." " What the fuck was that?" "Elden." "This is red-tape bullshit and you know it." "this is about you running your own programme." "I told you no." "I do whatever I want." "Elden Gilmore be damned." "this is about a book." "And you wanna talk about red-tape bullshit?" "Let's talk about how fast I could have you fired for turning your classroom over to non-certified personnel while you went off to play your 20/20 bit with this kid." "I am pulling you from SH." " Wait a minute... report to A Wing." "You're taking over Bellsey's class." "I was wondering if you could do us a favour." "I'm not really in a position where I can be doing any favours right now." "Cos I was just wondering if we could get some time on the field to play basketball or something." "They're pulling me from here." "They're sending me to another room." "But you'll be back tomorrow." "No." "Oh." "I'm gonna miss our talks." "I'm gonna try and get back in here if I can." "I don't know if it'll happen or not." " It's not my decision." "It's not like..." "Let's go." "Clean it up." "Break's over." "I'm not bailing on you or anything." "I didn't get to tell you everything I wanted to tell you." "I talk about New York at the end." "You've finished writing?" "I don't know." "I want you to read it." "Maybe there's a why in there somewhere." "Maybe it'll make sense to you." "it doesn't matter." "that's not the important thing." "Leland." "to some extent." "Listen to Charlie." "Listen to your lawyer." "Do whatever he tells you to do." "He does know what's best for you." "What you did was wrong." "And I know you know that." "but I know you recognise it." "but... ..nobody ever can." "Just because what you did was wrong doesn't mean that giving up on your life is right." "Turn around!" " Turn around!" " Stop right there!" "Go down to the Ground!" "slowly!" " What's going on?" " What is this?" "What is happening?" " We're placing your son under arrest." " He's not my son." "Allen!" "Allen... what is this?" "Mrs Pollard." "I just wanted to get out of town." "I made a mistake." "Don't say anything." "Don't say another word." "sweetheart." "You ratted me out." "You told my boss I was writing a book about Leland." "I said you were attempting to write a book about Leland." "Did you think I was gonna allow you to exploit my son?" "isn't it?" "Excuse me?" "The only reason you're here is because you smell a book." "you vulturous little hack." "I could write 1 2 novels on the light and shadow in this bar." "That's what you're compiling your notes about?" "The light and shadows in the bar?" "I was trying to help him." "I'm the one here who actually gives a fuck about your son." "You've got no right to accuse me of not caring for my son. instead of paying to fly him everywhere that you aren't." "My relationship with Leland is none of your concern." "either." "Mr Madison." "I am fully aware of that fact." "But I sure the fuck know how to write my books." "You're pathetic." "that's why I'm not a bastard." "can I come in?" "I just wanted to see if you were OK." "But I guess you're mad at me." "But I didn't do anything wrong." "I didn't... except make a lot of mistakes." "And..." "I know that." "And I'm sorry." "But I'm done." "I'm done with all the mistakes." "I'm going back to rehab." "And... because I wanna be clean." "And I swear..." "I swear I didn't know that Leland was gonna... ..do anything." "Just please tell me you don't... think that I knew because..." "I would..." "I'd wanna die." "I'd wanna die if you could even think that." "You know how much I loved Ryan." "You know how much I loved Ryan." " Got it." "Thanks." " Hey." " Hi." " One main canal known as the Grand canal... there was no bridge over the Grand canal..." "How are you doing?" " How are you doing?" " All right." "did you escape the wrath?" "Gilmore owes me a couple still." "You er...got any desire to burn those up?" "man!" "shoot it!" "you might wanna start guarding him." "please." "I fucked up." "OK." "I'm..." "I'm sorry." "I'm not gonna try and explain what I did." "I know what I did was wrong and I'm not gonna make excuses about it." "I just... really sorry." "And..." "I wanna make this up to you." "I swear." "I'm gonna get on the plane and come out there." "you know." "I wanna make this right between us." "Cos I..." "I love you." "I love you very much." "It's all for you." "Shit!" "Allen." "I think there are two ways you can see the world." "You either see the sadness that's behind everything or you choose to keep it all out." "Your heart can't break." "if you don't let the world touch it." "I don't blame her."" "What happened wasn't her fault." "It was a couple of days after all that stuff with Becky that I got the plane ticket to New York from my dad." "too." "I was kind of hoping it wouId be like the Iast time." "but. as soon as I saw her." "I couId tell something was different." "She was divorced." "It turns out Mr CaIderon cheated on her for almost the whole time they were married." "Mrs CaIderon said I should call her "angela " now." "I told her about what happened with Becky." "right down to the "kiddo " part. but it happens to everybody." "The worst part about growing up..." "heartbreak." "too." "But... it's a part of life." "It seems like a pretty big part." "kiddo." "but it didn't make much sense in the first place." "but I knew that was no good." "but there wasn't anything." "There wasn't one thing I couId really do." "?" "Open the box" "?" "What is in there?" "?" "There are no tears to be wasted" "?" "How can I climb" "?" "On a shoulder to cry?" "?" "If only this night" "?" "Could just take us away..." "and I started to think that maybe the reason it wasn't in her eyes at all." "but now it was the sadness." "I started to see it everywhere." "but the same." "I saw the sadness in every single one." "and each time like the first time." "I even saw it in my mom's face." "I saw how much my dad had hurt her and I saw how lonely she was and how much she wanted me to be happy." "It's the same with every parent." "but they should know it always turns out the same." "but I started to see it in Ryan worse than anybody." "so I walked him home." "I went to his class." "AII the words they were teaching him were things to stay away from." "There weren't any words like "strawberry." or "kiss"." "like you do at a baby when they do something cute." "I started to think that he knew." "he was never gonna be a kid with a girl like that on his arm." "He knew everything." "He knew that nobody looked at him like a normal kid." "people either laughed at him or felt sorry for him." "but he couldn't do anything about it." "He was trapped." "I couldn't sleep." "I hadn't slept since New York." "I was Iying there and I 'd think about Mrs CaIderon and I 'd think about Ryan and I felt things tight in my chest." "I felt like I was drowning." "There 's all this sadness and there 's nothing you can do about it and all I wanted was for it to go away." "I'm not lying." "but I don't." "not the stuff they want me to." " Christ Jesus." "Oh." "God." "It's over." "It's over now." "Maybe it makes sense now." "there is a reason." "there is a why." "Maybe somewhere there 's that thing that lets you tie it all up with a neat bow and bury it in the back yard." "it's like it never happened." "But nothing." "not prayers and not tears." "Nothing can make something that happened unhappen." "but nobody ever can. it doesn't mean that giving up on your life is right." "Pearl?" "I do." "I know you are. but I'm sorry." "The worst part is knowing that there is goodness in people." "it stays deep down and buried." "Maybe we don't have God because we 're scared of the bad stuff." "Maybe we 're really scared of the good stuff." "if we wanted." "it'd Be because we want to or because we have to." "Or maybe we just need the bad stuff to remind us what the good stuff is in the first place." "you goofball?" "Just go around." "Uh..." "Come here." "Come here." "Everything's OK." "Everything's gonna be OK." "I promise." "?" "Don't go racing" "?" "When you're on your own" "?" "Feet down and raining" "?" "See the jewel flow" "?" "Now that the years" "?" "Seem like memories" "?" "Broken dreams" "?" "How can I turn back around" "?" "Slip back and join in the crowd?" "?" "If I could love you now" "?" "Don't go racing" "?" "With the world in your head" "?" "There's no generation" "?" "Who" "?" "Now let the fear" "?" "Be memories" "?" "Broken dreams" "?" "How can you turn back around" "?" "Slip back and join in the crowd?" "?" "Forces keep pushing me down" "?" "Yet I would love you" "?" "If you could love everyone around" "?" "If I could love you" "?" "Ballroom lips" "?" "On the way home" "?" "You made up my mind" "?" "And I" "I remained sort of sick" "?" "Now that I know" "?" "What was written in stone" "?" "Dooh dooh-dooh dah" "?" "Dooh-dooh dooh-dooh dah" "?" "Dooh dooh" "?" "Mm mm" "?" "Ballroom lips" "?" "Fell on the floor" "?" "You made up my mind" "?" "But I didn't die" "I remained sort of sick" "?" "Now that I know" "?" "What was written in stone" "?" "We used to talk about" "?" "If everything was right" "?" "The way we spent our time" "?" "It's hard to believe" "?" "Gloat on the design" "?" "Glory and laughter" "?" "Hold my entire world" "?" "Believe" "?" "Tumbling" "?" "Out in the yard" "?" "We were given some time..."