"APPLAUSE" "Good evening." "Welcome to Have I Got News For You." "I'm Gary Lineker." "In the news this week - in Essex, one passenger takes the easy option after foolishly asking a taxi driver for his opinions on Brexit." "On his way to Crufts, one impatient driver gets stuck in a traffic jam." "HORN BEEPS CONTINUOUSLY" "HORN STOPS" "HORN BEEPS AGAIN" "And as Russia apologises for its part in the doping scandal, trials begin with the only clean athletes left in the country." "APPLAUSE" "So, let's find out how the teams line up." "Captain Ian Hislop plays on the right, if the Government's on the left, and on the left, if the Government's on the right." "And on Ian's team tonight is a comedian who says he appears on stage with nothing planned other than about four random words on a piece of scrap paper, so Britain's answer to Donald Trump, please welcome Ross Noble." "CHEERING" "And their opponents tonight, Captain Paul Merton." "Like Jamie Vardy, who started off in a amateur steelworker's team," "Paul kicked off his career with a CSE in metalwork." "On his team tonight is a journalist who won Celebrity Mastermind in a performance that reminded me of Alan Shearer." "No passes." "Please welcome Samira Ahmed." "APPLAUSE" "And we start with the bigger stories of the week." " Paul and Samira, take a look at this." " Yep." "Ah, yes, Boris Johnson, clearly never, ever used an iron or ever seen anyone use an iron." "Er, that's Michael Heseltine with a vision of the future and that's George Osborne's birthday party." "This is what's going to happen if we don't vote in or out, depending on who's telling you." "Boris says, "Basically, if we stay, it'll be like Hitler."" "And Heseltine says, "This is obscene and racist, possibly," ""and a bit mad and so..."" "Boris has got a touch of the Ken Livingstone's Tourette's." " Hitler!" "Hitler!" "Hitler!" " Hitler!" "Hitler!" "Hitler!" "It's like in the playground, if you're losing an argument, you say, "You're Hitler!" ""That's what he would've done." "Hitler!"" " That's what they did at Oxford, did they?" " They did." "The things we miss out on." "I think there's a thing about hair in there as well, isn't there?" " There's a lot of hair, a lot of hair." " I think there's been..." "Herr Hitler!" "APPLAUSE" "Congratulations." "That's the first time that joke's been broadcast on the BBC since 1942." "This is the continuing kerfuffle over the EU referendum." "Michael Heseltine and Boris Johnson do have other things in common, don't they?" " He was also someone who thought he was going to be Prime Minister." " Yes." " Like Boris." " Mm." "Imagine if, like, if Boris becomes Prime Minister and Trump becomes President, could you imagine, just on a windy day, what that's going to look like?" "It's just going to be like... ..just swirling." "After all the talk of Hitler, how did David Cameron bring a sense of perspective to the debate?" "World War III." " No, he upped from World War III." " World War" " IV?" "Isis." "He said Isis would like it if we left." "Well, he said that Vladimir Putin and the leader of the Islamic State would vote with Boris." "That's going to be a photo opportunity on the morning, isn't it?" "All those jihadis there, like that." "IMITATES BORIS JOHNSON" "What do the Leave campaign see as their dream scenario?" "Don't know." "Must be bubonic plague." "Boris Johnson and Nigel Farage on the same platform is their dream scenario, a source from the grassroots Out campaign has said." "..like the X-Men." "Speaking of which, what special powers did Boris appear to gain this week?" "He went home..." " ..at the time that his wife was expecting him." " Don't be ridiculous!" "Well, Alistair Higham on Twitter thinks he may have been watching too much Star Wars." "Watch how Boris deals with this cameraman." "APPLAUSE" " That's..." "That's scary." " Yeah, that really is." "For the first time, I'm actually frightened." "What is Boris doing here?" " He was angle grinding this week, wasn't he?" " Was he?" " He was, yeah." "He was physically..." " Is this just a bit of gossip or...?" "No, he was on an angle grinder and I'm not referring to a dating site." "He was..." "That is a giant cheque." "I think he's trying to make the point that in Europe you waste £350 million a week, but actually that doesn't include the rebate or any of the money that the EU pays us back," " so this figure is not true." " Mmm." " But he doesn't mind." "But they were burning it in a giant fire, to say," ""Hey, your money is going up in metaphors."" "Yes, he is burning a cheque for £350 million in a furnace, which is what Man United may as well have done this season." "It's supposed to represent the amount..." "Do you want to explain that to those two?" " They've got no idea what you're talking about." " No, we'll pick it up." " It's football." " Yes, the Alan Shearer joke, very funny." "No passes." "APPLAUSE" "There was a thing, wasn't it, with that Leicester lot, wasn't it?" "They did well, didn't they?" "As you mention it, they did all right, yeah." "I didn't watch the parade on telly, I followed it on the internet." "You could track Danny Simpson's tag just on there." "Just..." "People getting off doing community service, eugh!" " Tricky." " Just as well where you come from, isn't it?" " Oh, there we go." " AUDIENCE:" " Oooh!" " Anyway, back to business..." " Your..." "Your crisps are shit!" "Where were we?" "Yes, Ian..." "We were just raising the level of the debate." " Indeed." " Let's go back to the EU, the exciting EU." " Oh, the EU, yes." "Boris Johnson, here he is discussing the details in typical fashion with ITV's Tom Bradby." "Let's deal with your arguments   one of them is on the side of this bus." " Yes." ""We send 350 million to Europe."" " We don't." " We do." " And you know we don't." " No, we don't, you know we don't." " No, no." "Admit that that figure is grotesquely misleading, at best." "I won't." "I won't." "Did you see that he sat on a report into London's air pollution problems, and that some of the worst-polluted areas in London are most deprived?" "Yes." "I mean, he commissioned the report, and it didn't say what he wanted, so, quite rightly, he sat on it." " Do you have a problem with that?" " No." "Just nice to have that other side of Boris" " to be brought out, too." " Absolutely." "This is the calm, measured debate over Britain's EU membership which, in the last few days, has featured Hitler, Isis and World War III." "Michael Heseltine has accused Boris Johnson of..." "The intervention sent shock waves through Westminster as people realised that Michael Heseltine was still alive." "There was good news for the Remain camp this week when a new poll gave them a 4% lead - although there are plenty of people who don't want to be in Europe." "I saw 11 of them playing for Liverpool on Wednesday." "APPLAUSE" " Anything?" " Very good." " Very good." "Ian and Ross, take a look at this." " It's the Queen." " Shiny thing, there." " Queen's Speech." " In a coach..." "Oh, hello!" "What's going on there?" " Her Majesty's pleasure - people being locked up." " Yeah." "I think this is the contents of the Queen's speech." "Which was quite short." "There wasn't a great deal there." "She basically said, "I'll see you after the referendum."" "But, you know, it's always nice to watch an old woman in very heavy clothing." " Yeah." " You know?" "It's always a bit of fun, isn't it?" " With a massive, heavy thing on her, and a big crown." " Yeah." ""Go on, love, get up them stairs."" " You know?" "It's sort of like a sparkly It's A Knockout." " Yeah." "And she reads the sort of cards very well." "I mean, we could have her on here, I think she'd do brilliantly." "If we put them on vellum." "What's vellum?" "It's a cross between valium and helium." "So, it, um..." "It relaxes you, but you do float away." "And that's why she has to wear all the heavy clothes." "Cos otherwise, she's off." " You know?" " Gone." " Yeah." " It is the 65th Queen's Speech at the State Opening of Parliament." "What did Justice Secretary Michael Gove..." "What fingerprints did he have all over it?" "Well, there are some quite sensible prison reform measures, which, you know, might happen." "Or they might not - they might do a U-turn, and bring the Queen back, and say, "My Government won't be doing any of this."" "Because now, all prisons, they all have to become academies." "That's the plan." "Yeah." "APPLAUSE" "What is being proposed under the Star Trek Bill in the Queen's Speech?" "Oh, is that the spaceport?" " Mm." " The Cornwall Spaceport." "That's the thing that lets it down slightly " ""Spaceport!" "In Cornwall..."" "Where is the new intergalactic Gatwick likely to be built?" "Gatwick." "If it's the intergalactic Gatwick, there'll be a row about it, and it might be the intergalactic Heathrow." "SCATTERED LAUGHTER" "Thank you very much." "But then there'll be a special suggestion of Boris Space Island." "Yes!" "Which'll be like in Thunderbirds." "Floating like a giant blond thatch... that opens, and a big rocket comes out." "He's standing there with his angle grinder." ""Thunderbirds are Gove."" "APPLAUSE" " It's Newquay in Cornwall." " Newquay." " Newquay." "Although, as The Sun pointed out..." "What had the Queen watched for several hours earlier in the week?" "It was..." "It was the Queen's life, all with..." " Told with horses." " Told with horses." "I tell you what, I..." "The horse said, "I remember the day she became Queen."" "HE WHINNIES" "But there were 900 horses   they had the entire mounted police from Canada came in." " Yeah." "Where were those ones who did the tricks from?" "Azerbaijanis or something?" " Yeah..." " Or Kazakhstan..." " They were good." "..and the thing about it, as you say - like, I'm not, like, a massive royalist, but I was just thinking..." "Like, I love Prince Harry, right?" "I think he's brilliant." "Probably for all the wrong reasons..." "And I thought, it would be amazing if he one day ended up as king, because to have his life acted out by horses..." "It would..." "Could you imagine?" " APPLAUSE" " Just..." "And Ant and Dec narrated, with Sir Alan Titchmarsh." " Is he Sir Alan?" " No, surely not." "Oh, sorry." " Alan Titchmarsh." " Yeah." " Al." " Al." " Yeah." "He was only there cos he was going to take the manure." "He wasn't in the line-up, he was stood there with a bucket, like that." ""Do you want a knighthood?"" ""No, I'm fine, get me a shovel."" "Yes, it was a special gala for Her Majesty's 90th birthday." "The evening was hosted by Ant and Dec." "This guy was there." " The king of Bahrain?" " The king of Bahrain..." "Oh, I thought it was Super Mario." "I thought he was just..." "He thought there was a princess in danger." "That photograph does look like she's holding up a face of him, doesn't it?" "That's human rights abuser and close friend of the royal family," " King Hamad of Bahrain." " Yeah." "What's he looking at there?" "What's happened?" "Oh, I think the Bahraini police did a baton charge." "Mounted." "It was fantastic." "Quite bloody." "It was actually an unexpected explosion during the performance... which was so loud it almost made Princess Beatrice look up from her phone." "But not quite." "Just going, "Another horse." ""Lol."" "Back to government news - and what does smoked haddock, pilaf, a cheese and ham omelette and fruit cobbler have in common?" "They all want us to leave Europe." " Let's hear them again." " Yeah, say them again." " Smoked haddock..." " Generation Game." "Smoked haddock..." " ..pilaf..." " ..pilaf..." "Actually, I think that's "smoked haddock pilaf"." "Ah!" "Doesn't he play for Spain?" "Keep going." "..a cheese and ham omelette and fruit cobbler have in common?" " Oh, I know." " You know." " Yeah." " Fruit." " They were all..." " Come on, think about it." " They were all recipes..." " Yes." " ..on the BBC's website." " Mm." " Oh, very good." " Um, that..." "ROSS LAUGHS" "HE GRUNTS" "Well, have you tried some of them?" "There's a huge outrage over the BBC supposedly taking some recipes offline, when you could buy a book." "The theory that the BBC just putting them on its commercial arm, where they were maybe planning to do it all along." "It was the anger that people had." "It was like the BBC went," ""We're going to dangle Mary Berry by the ankles" ""off a multistorey car park."" "What will I do without the recipe?" "I mean, Nigella's avocado on toast..." "I've got the toast." "I've got the avocado." "What do I do?" "I mean..." "I don't know how it works." "Here's what to do, right?" "Pick the ones you like." "Print them out." "Shut your face." "Just quickly, while we're on the subject of television, what happened on Countdown this week?" "Rude word." "It's got to be a rude word." "It's always a rude word." "Bumhole." "There's no need for that!" "I only asked a question." "Yeah, well, there it is - evidence." " What, did that just come up?" " Yeah." "And ironically, if you use the X, bumhole X is actually a website." "This week, the BBC responded to the government's White Paper and has begun the process of removing any content that is regarded as pointless and..." "HIGH-PITCHED TONE" "Unbelievable." "There's also been a row over recipes on the BBC website." "Sources at the BBC include... bolognese, carbonara..." "..and pesto." "Although I think he's just joined ITV." "So on to round two, the Randomiser Of News." "Fingers on buzzers, teams." "BUZZER" "This was the bomb hoax." "They were doing an exercise for fake bombs and then they found it wasn't cleared away and then they blew it up, despite the fact that it had a sticker on it that said, "This is a fake bomb."" "But they blew it up just in case it was, like, a clever double bluff." "Cos that's what the Isis, they do that." "They'll write, "This is fine,"" "and just leave it." " Yeah." " Looking at the picture there, though, it's quite surprising that nobody saw it earlier, isn't it?" "Yeah." "And also, they were testing to see whether the sniffer dogs, you know, a test, and they didn't find it." "So what does that tell us about how good the sniffer dogs are that they were using?" "But there wasn't any explosive in there, that's why they didn't find it." "Well, why did they hide it, then?" "I don't know." "So they just hid a bomb that didn't have anything in it..." "It could have been just the organiser going to the toilet, putting it down..." "Yeah, that's true, we've all left a fake bomb in the toilet." "Security expert Christopher Reid had run a training exercise for sniffer dogs in which he hid 14 dummy bombs around Old Trafford." "But when it came to collecting the bombs, it turns out Chris overlooked one crucial dummy." "Himself." "He left his phone number on the bomb." "Would you be brave enough to ring that number, though?" ""Oh, here's this thing." "It looks like a bomb." ""Call this number." "Oh..."" "It's like an Isis chatline." ""Do you want to meet the heavies in your area?"" "How did the police deal with the bomb?" "They said the bomb was drunk and it was his own fault for being there." "Well, according to the Daily Mail, the bomb was dealt with..." "As opposed to the uncontrolled explosion, which took place when whoever found it opened the toilet door." "In happier football news, why were 240,000 Leicester fans on the street this week?" "Cos homelessness in Leicester has gone through the roof." "They're very happy." " Yes." "Delirious." " Yeah, cos they won." "Mm." "What did they win, Ian?" " They won the thing." " What is "the thing" called?" "They won the Premiership." "I know this, they won the..." " Premier League." " You're not allowed to call it the Premiership." "Why aren't you allowed to call it the Premiership?" "Well, it was one of those branding things." " They changed it quite a few years ago." " Right." "I see." "And they get a bit upset if you call it the Premiership." "And the Premier-ship is now called Sir David Attenborough." "Yes, they were celebrating Leicester's extraordinary success." "There was a performance, actually, from local band Kasabian, a gospel choir singing football songs and, of course, super fan Lee Jobber with his top off." "Oh, yeah." "EVERYONE GROANS IN DISGUST" "I see he's mimicking the trophy from behind by the... bulges." "They might get relegated next year." "That'd be funny, wouldn't it?" "Don't you have to present without your clothes on?" " Erm, yeah." " Yeah, that's right." "She's very keen." "CHEERING AND WHOOPING" "But, yeah, I can't wait." " But are you actually going to do it?" " Yeah." " Well, you'll have to wait and see, won't you?" " Here's an idea." "Why do you get that fat bloke to stand in front of you?" "Perfect!" "Perfect!" "This is a fake bomb that caused a Premier League game at Old Trafford to be suspended." "Thousands of disappointed Manchester United fans left Old Trafford without having seen their team play any football." "Again." "The boss of the security firm responsible has had little sympathy for making such a glaring mistake." "Although he did receive one call of support from the former head of" "Listening Out For Drilling Noises At Hatton Garden." "Meanwhile, someone called Leicester were celebrating winning the Premier League with an open-top bus parade through the city." "According to the Mirror, some Leicester fans were..." "Sadly, so were some Tottenham fans." "AUDIENCE GROANS" "Fingers on buzzers, teams." "Here's the next one..." "Yeah, that was..." "That was a bit much." "BUZZER" "This is students who, for health and safety reasons, aren't allowed to throw their mortarboards up into the air." "And they are going to put them all in afterwards." "You just act it out." "You must have had it in your time." "I bet you've had a spinning mortarboard flying towards you," "Like a ninja throw star." "If anyone ever dared do that," "Ian's butler would have caught it straightaway." "But it's a great bit where you throw it up in the air." " Is it?" " Well, don't look at me like that." "You know I've not been to university." "That was horrible, the way you did that." ""It's a great bit, Ross."" ""Did you throw your trunks in the air" ""when you got your five-metre swimming certificate?"" " I..." " APPLAUSE" "This is the news that students graduating from the University of East Anglia will no longer be able to throw their mortarboards in the air due to health and safety." "How many people have been hit?" " It can't have been many, can it?" " No." "And by that stage, you're not meant to be able to feel it." "What did Louisa Baldwin, Student Law Society President, have to say about it all?" " CHOKING:" " I..." "I've got a mortarboard in my neck!" "It's in my neck!" "Pull it out!" "HE CHOKES" "It's like that, yeah?" "Close." "She said..." "She added..." "Graduates have been told to mime a throwing action and the mortarboards will be photoshopped in later." "According to The Times, they will be charged £8 for the service, angering students, who will now leave university with a debt of £40,008." "There was also disappointment this week for West Ham fans, who have been told, from now on, just to mime a throwing action and the bottles will be photoshopped in later." "Time now for the missing words round, which this week features, as its guest publication, Village People." "The Village People magazine advertised places to holiday in Norfolk, although don't believe them when they say that it's fun to stay at the YMCA." "And we start with..." "Dick." "What?" "It's one of those recipes." "Queen..." "I think you ought to clear that one up." "You're not talking about Princess Margaret here, you know." "That's the knighthood gone, Hislop." "Phew." "Erm..." "Is it - "Queen spotted in the same way as a leopard"?" "Yeah." ""Nice top."" "Yes, "Queen spotted in nice top"!" " That's a good news story(!" ")" " Is the wrong answer." "The answer is - "Queen was spotted in a puddle in Wales"." "A care-worker, Linda Hough, was putting out the washing when she spotted a perfect outline of the Queen's head in a damp patch on the floor." "Her heard appears to be on a stake." "Yes." " It's a rather Republican puddle." " Yes." "Next..." ""Old Stinker is the most popular aftershave."" ""Old Stinker is the luckiest Labrador...in Hull."" " Nope." " No?" " But you're getting closer, a lot closer." ""Old Stinker is the unluckiest Labrador in Hull."" ""Old Stinker terrifying residents in Hull."" "Recent sightings of a werewolf in Hull..." "HE LAUGHS" "How did you not know that?" "Have been put down to fabrication." "Recent sightings of a werewolf in Hull are thought to be a mythical local beast known as Old Stinker." "It's going to be a great film, though" " American Werewolf In Hull." ""What have you down with your waistcoat?" ""It's all ripped down the back, Arnold." ""I don't know." ""Every time there's a full moon, I've got to buy you a new jacket."" "Next..." ""You can spot a Norfolk village anywhere..." ""in Norfolk."" " "Turkey." - "Turkey."" " Oh..." "No." "Oh, that was..." ""You can spot a Norfolk clock anywhere."" "This is an article from Village People about the unique characteristics about local clocks." "Norfolk clocks are easy to identify as their hands have an extra finger." "And finally..." ""Give your their password."" " Spot on." " Yeah." "Study finds people will reveal their password for chocolate." " What?" " What?" "It's not me." "Imagine what they'll do for crisps." "So the final scores are " "Ian and Ross have nine points and Paul and Samira have three points." "It's all right." "Don't worry." "But before we go, there's just time for the caption competition." "I think the guy on the left there is just going," ""And I've got a secret lady's leg that comes out the side."" "You know, for catching the shoplifters that can run really fast." "They're not very good policemen, actually, because, as you pointed out, that guy on the left with the leg coming out, he's got a burglar standing right behind him..." "..who couldn't make it more obvious." "He's wearing the traditional striped..." "He's either that or French." "Either way, it's worth arresting him and finding out." "That's what I say." "And I'll leave you with news that, at an optician's in Bromley, one customer is delighted that, for the first time ever, he'll finally be able to see the postman." "At Watford Arts Centre, the news that no-one has bought any tickets is finally broken to the star of Dumbo The Ballet." " AUDIENCE:" " Aw!" "And as speculation continues over TV football presenters appearing in just their underwear, Jose Mourinho joins the debate." "Goodnight!"