"I'm not sick, but I'm not well" "And I'm so hot" "Cos I'm in hell." "Hi, Alan, you wanted to talk about..." "Oh, I'm sorry..." "It's just Tai Chi." "Take a seat, I'll just power through." "It should take 45 minutes, I'm done in ten." "Stick that up your dojo." "Great." "Right, this weekend, the JLB conference in Kettering." "I'm planning to unleash Project Zeus." "Project Zeus?" "You will not be informed of the meaning until the time is right." "Oh, right." "'I like it when he's rude to me." "'Hopefully, it's a psychological defect, not a weird sexual thing.'" "OK, now is the time for you to know the meaning of Project Zeus." "The meaning of Project Zeus is, why can't Marketing be an arm of Sales?" "I don't know, Alan." "Thousands of reasons, but also, kind of none." "But won't Marketing kick up a shit-storm?" "That's why I've booked you and me in for a presentation to the board." "I'll leave the details up to you." "But if you persuade them, we co-manage a new super-department." "If we fail, you're junior, you take the bullet." " Christ." " Exactly!" "So, you're going to need a team." "I'll assign you some slave drones." "Milk them till they're dead." "We need them sweating facts and shitting stats till D-Day." "OK..." "OK." "If we succeed, I'm going to be Charles and you'll be my Camilla." "'I'm going to be Johnson's queen." "If the public will accept me," "'I'm going to be Johnson's queen.'" "'My team!" "I'm going to be the most amazing boss ever." "'I'll have them eating out of my hand 'while I squeeze them by the balls.'" "Are you all right?" "Yes, it's fine." "Just monitoring stomach-acid levels." "'That's not businesslike." "'It's not even a proper disability.'" "Right, well, thanks, guys, for coming to the first get-together of the Project Zeus work group." "First up, remember, this is a brainstorm." "I'm not judging." "It's an ideas party, so before we start the pitter-patter of grey matter..." "'That is a brilliant jokette.' ... I'll go get the pizzas." "'Hot, cheesy pizza to max out your stomach acid.'" "How's it going?" "I was telling them it doesn't matter what they say tonight, when, actually, I'll be keeping a rigorous note of every contribution." "Jeremy, have you been eating my pizza?" "Big Suze was hungry." "She's rich." "She doesn't understand about not taking people's stuff." "DOORBELL" "Can you get that please, Jeremy?" " Jeremy." " Johnson." "'Oh, I've got a sweater around my shoulders." "'I'm not a corporate cocksucker, I'm a human being." "Sure.'" "Sorry." "No apology required." "SHE GIGGLES" " (Mark) Alan!" " Hi, guys." "(all) Hi." "Just wanted to say, "Have fun." Tonight should be an idea zone." "Watch a DVD, eat some pizza, fuck each other." "I'm serious." "Fuck a chicken, if that's what it takes." "Watch a chicken fucking a horse." "What?" "You think the guys who invented Google watched Trumpton?" "'Oh, he is good." "Taboo-busting, semi-incomprehensible pep talk.'" "Hi there, can I come in?" "Uh... no." "Nice room." "Here, have a drink." "So... that's a great piece of real estate you got there." "A mighty fine piece of ass." "What, Big Suze?" "In business, Jeremy, every man has his price, and I judge yours to be £530." " What?" " I'm not going to beat around the bush." "I want to make you a real-life indecent proposal." "An indecent proposal?" "I want to sleep with your girlfriend, Jeremy, but I don't like playing the game with women, talking to them, but I do like some of the things they do, so... £530 to sleep with Big Suze?" "That's my indecent proposal." "It certainly is." "You have a property of which I wish to make a use." "Is that so very different from hiring a solicitor or leasing a Spanish villa?" "It is, because you'd be putting your dick..." "What's your answer, Jeremy?" "Maybe you could finger her for 300." "I'm not bargaining with you." "'He thinks I'm a scag addict bedroom DJ who can be bought off, 'but no-one's going to give me a medal for saying no." "I am broke.'" "OK, it's a deal." "'Is this a terrible idea?" "It can't be, it's in a film." "'They wouldn't put a terrible idea in a film." "They'd get sued.'" "So, finance, logistics, etc." "These are the key tasks for you to get done for my presentation." "I want you to have fun with these." "Don't sweat it, go mental." "But then go sane again and check and recheck, cos I'll be the guy pitching this stuff." "OK?" "And how do you think we should be?" "'Tube up his nose, man with a tube up his nose!" "' ...funding implications?" "Yep, just relax and take your time, OK?" "OK." "'Shit." "'This could be a tricky sell.'" "Say, Suze, do you like the films of Robert Redford?" "I don't know." "Who is he?" "He's a red-haired old gentleman and he started the Sundance Film Festival." "Sounds like a nice man." "Exactly!" "So, in that spirit, I was wondering, basically, how would you feel about sleeping with Mark's boss, for money?" "Sleep with a man?" "For money?" "Yes, but it's not like that, it's from a Hollywood film." "Sounds like you want to pimp me out." "Pimp me out, Pimp My Ride - there's a new climate." "I'm a human being, Jeremy." "Yes, sure." "From one perspective." "But also, is it really so different from hiring a solicitor or leasing a villa in Spain?" "I can't believe this, Jeremy." "This is really horrible." "No, look, Suze." "Sorry." "I love you." "I've just got this big overdraft." "I take it all back." "There." "Normal!" "We're back to normal." "No, we're not." "You tried to make me a hooker." "It was a joke, Suze." "I'm hitting the reset button." " Goodbye, Jeremy." " Don't go." "'God, I only asked her to be a hooker." "'It's not like I wanted her to work in telesales.'" "'Er, Kettering." "Got to force Sales and Marketing together 'with my bare hands and this bunch of mooks.'" "Johnson will be here around three, so I want to pull together your work ahead of the big presentation tomorrow." "What have you got?" "Have you got the logistics figures, Lisa?" "The finance projections, Katie?" "Jeff?" "We chatted, and you said, "Relax and take your time", so we thought, before we started, there are a few questions..." "You're kidding?" "You've got... nothing?" "You did say, "Relax and take your time."" "I didn't actually mean, "Relax and take your time." Jesus!" "I'm giving the presentation tomorrow." "Johnson is here at three." "My balls are on the line here." "We could form a couple of workgroups..." "I don't care how you do it as long as you fucking well do it!" " OK." " Listen, I did have a little look, and one of the concepts I came up with was not just amalgamating Sales and Marketing, but also putting Planning into the mix, to see if, with one big department, we can't..." "That sounds interesting." "Why don't I take that?" "I'm going to the loo." "I can have a look at it and I can then wipe my fucking arse on it." "If integrating two departments is a nightmare, how exactly is pulling a third in going to help?" "You dick pole!" "'Here we go, Big Suze's place." "If she won't take my calls, 'how about I hit her with some petrol station flowers?" "'" "Johnson!" " Jeremy." " What the hell are?" "Suze came to the office to give me a piece of her mind, and ended up giving me a piece of her ass." " Suze, what's he doing here?" " We're in a relationship, Jez." " What do you mean?" " It's fun." "We eat breakfast off each other." "Come on, let's get moving." "It's two hours to Kettering, even in a Beemer." "'He didn't even pay for her.'" "He's an alpha male, Jeremy." "And you'd be the first to admit you're a bottom-feeder." "No, I wouldn't." "You can't treat me like this, Johnson." "You owe me." "I'll take this to the Citizens Advice Bureau." "How do you like those guys on your ass?" "I don't give up, Alan!" "So, we've all been talking, me and Lisa and Katie and Jeff, and we think we'd like to step down from the workgroup." "But... you can't." " You said it was voluntary." " It's not." "I was shocked when you called Kathy a knucklehead." " I didn't." " Yes, you did." "You said she should knuckle down or you'd knuckle her fat head." "Then you stamped on Gerrard's foot." " That was an accident." " It wasn't." "It could have been." "I was careful to be sure that it could have been." "Come on, Soph." "You want us to enjoy the executive lifestyle together." "I was nice to you, even when you gave me shit about the earnings projections." "That's not how you should treat people." "You should be nice." "'Oh, sure." "It's nice to be nice.'" "Shall we go get some dinner?" "'Have your fancy dinner, till the bill comes and the bodies pile up.'" "Come in." "Fine." "I guess it's just Gerrard and me from here on in." "Right, Gerrard?" "Sorry?" "I said, it's just you and me from here on in." "Right?" "Right, sorry." "I've got a mucus build-up in my ears..." "Seeyoulater,then." "Cool." "Cool, dude." "Sit down." "Clear your tubes, cos you and me are going to chow down on the biggest hairy motherfucking business shit-storm since Enron." "'Sales, Marketing, Marketing, Sales." "'AII I'm doing is scrolling up and down this useless document, 'inserting words, almost at random.'" "KNOCK AT DOOR" "'I can roll Gerrard out for the sympathy vote." "'He's my dark secret, my elephant man.'" "Hey-hey, it's me." "Surprise visit." "I can see it's you." "What the hell are you doing here?" "I'm here to party, man." "You're following Johnson and Big Suze!" " You're going to do something disruptive." " No, no, God, no..." "Maybe." "I need to find Big Suze." "There's no answer at her room." "Why do you want to get back with her?" "She was annoying you." "That was before we stopped going out." "So now she's finished with you, you're in love with her again?" "Exactly." "D'oh!" "That's how love works, Mark." "(Johnson) Hi, it's Charles." "Johnson." "(Johnson) Is that Camilla?" "Yeah, this is Camilla." "'God, that's so humiliating." "'Why couldn't we be Holmes and Watson, or Ben and Jerry?" "'Even Bernie Winters and Schnorbitz would've been an improvement.'" "So, how's Project Zeus coming along?" "'Oh, shit.'" "It's going really well, actually." "I think I've cracked it, Alan." "Cool." "So let's roll out somewhere spicy and celebrate." "Sales is going to get shit-faced with Marketing." "Although there are actually a few pesky I's to dot and a few T's for me and Gerrard to..." " Just bring your laptop along, dude." " But, Alan..." "Mark, if you say it's done, it's done." "Come on, Mark." "Let's get wankered." "Yeah, seriously cunted." "'Great." "I'm going out with literally the worst men in the world!" "'" "Hey, Suze." "Jeremy, what the hell are you doing here?" "Me?" "Nothing." "I was just passing through..." "Kettering and I thought," ""Hey, I know someone who's gone to Kettering for the weekend."" "Jez..." "Honestly, I was always coming to Kettering." "It's a party town." "Come on, Suze." "Let's sort this." "What do you see in Johnson?" " I just like him." " Come on, is it because he's black?" "What?" "No!" "I hadn't even noticed." "Well, you're making a mistake, Suze." "Because he's terrible at being black." "I'm a better black man than he is." "That sounds almost..." "Look, Suze, being black isn't about the colour of your skin." "It's about vibe, about kicking back, smoking a number, fighting prejudice and negative stereotypes wherever you find them!" "I'm down with that." "What's Johnson done for black people lately?" "You mean, apart from his mentoring and his community work?" "Yeah, apart from that." "Jeremy, you tried to sell my body to another man for private gain." "I don't want to talk to you." "Goodbye." "SHE SIGHS" "I did not try to sell her body to another man." "I tried to rent out her sexual organs on a one-use basis." "SHE SIGHS" "I've always wanted to come somewhere like this." "I love the funny women taking their clothes off, and you lot gawping." "Wasn't the last one a bit... thin?" "Relax, Mark." "We're relaxing." "You don't want a fat lap dancer, do you?" "'Oh, my God, this is horrible." "'Oh, she's touching the tube." "'That can't be hygienic.'" "How's it looking, Mark?" "Looking good, right?" "Oh, it is looking so good, Alan." "'Maybe I can work in a back room." "There must be a back room somewhere 'that isn't full of mobsters or sallow men getting wanked.'" "(Big Suze) I'm going to get you a dance." "That's what I'm going to do, Mark." "That's what you need." "No, Suze, I really don't think l-l-I really have time, and Soph, and everything." "An early wedding present." "Hello, you, yes you." "Would you do one to him, please?" "Thanks." " Suze, I really..." " Shh." "'I'm being forced into this." "'That's the line.'" "Hi, and what's your name?" "Mar-tin." "Nice to meet you, Martin." "'Oh, great." "Here we go." "'I'm just another cock getting wired into the global economy." "'Yeugh, how should I look like?" "'Bond-like neutrality, as though I'm so used to real-life naked women?" "'Or - don't want to be rude - smiling encouragement?" "'That's not a leer, is it?" "Got to avoid the leer." "And the dribble." "'Oh, God, she looks amazing." "'This really should not be allowed." "'This is what men want and we shouldn't be allowed to have it 'because it's horrible and it makes you feel sick." "Oh, great." "'Now I'm getting an erection." "'How grimly predictable." "When is the work going to happen?" "'" "I'm very sorry and you're a very attractive woman, but I have a helluva lot on, so..." " Do you want me to stop?" " No, no, no, you go ahead." "You're obviously very talented but I should just get on with this." " What are you writing?" " Just a proposal, so..." "You haven't written very much, have you?" "You should sum up your aims in the first line." "This is a very complex business proposal, so I don't think you could sum up all the aims in one line." "If you can't sum up your aims in the first line, they're too diffuse." "My aims are not too fucking diffuse, OK?" "Fine." "Jesus!" "They just might be too diffuse, that was all I was saying." "'Great, now I'm getting an angry lap dance." "Brilliant.'" "Hi, Mark, how are you feeling?" "Relaxed." "l-I feel really very relaxed." "So you didn't fancy a night out with the team?" "They were going to a lap dancing place." "Really?" "God." "Men!" "Do you wanna?" "I should keep a clear head." "Go on." "Before we get your booty locked up by Captain Corrigan." "'She's so cool and nice." "How did Mark get anything going with her?" "'She must have some massive character defect 'that only becomes apparent after a while.'" "So how's it going with Big Suze?" "Oh, pretty terrible." "I came to try and win her back but I don't even know if I like her or..." "I sometimes wonder what I'm doing with Mark." "Getting married." "I mean, whether he's really into me." "Have I lived enough." "I've only slept with four men." "Is that enough?" "Four?" "Oh, yeah." "'Jesus, I've had sex with more men than that 'and I basically only sleep with women.'" "You might slip another one or two in just to get your average up." "I don't know if I'm attractive enough to." "You're attractive." "You're a hottie, Soph." "You're hot." "Oh, that's nice." "Thanks, Jez." "You're pretty hot, too." "Well... here's to being hot." "'Shit, is this going to happen?" "'This is almost definitely a terrible idea." "'But I won't know for certain until I've actually done it." "'No, I was right, that was a terrible idea." "'That's probably the stupidest thing I've ever done." "'AIthough maybe screwing each other will make it weirdly better.'" "DOOR OPENS" "Hey, Markie!" "Hello, just need to grab some files, and some ProPlus and Nurofen." "I'm pulling an all-nighter with Gerrard." "Cool." "Well, I'll probably head off." "You know, get some sleep in the utility area." "Yeah?" "Will you be OK?" "There's always the bathroom floor." "Er, no, mate, no, no." "I'm fine in the utility area, got it all set up." "Couple of bog rolls for a pillow and a wicked big tarpaulin." "Good, that sounds nice." "You're a bloody good guy." "You're a great guy." "Isn't he a good guy?" "Oh, you're a great guy." "You're a fucking great guy." "'Why are they being so nice?" "'Maybe they've been having a chat about me 'and they've realised I was right about North Korea, 'and about the European constitution, 'and by God, I think I'm right about the congestion charge.'" "'Oh, my God, I feel terrible." "I feel like my head's going to explode." "'Relax, Mark, heads don't explode." "'It's much more likely you'll just get a tumour.'" "So half an hour till the board roll in and I pitch this mother." "This is it, it's just you and me from here on in." " Sorry?" " I said it's just you and me from..." "Right." "Sorry, yes." "It's the mucus this side." "Yes, of course." "OK, so final analysis, what have we actually got?" "What will I present to the board?" "Not that." "That sounded good at 3am when we were high on Diet Coke." "That's bullshit." "That's just table talk, that's not fit for public consumption." "Is that it?" "Where's the actual sustenance?" "Where's the beef?" "Gerrard, we've got..." "There's nothing." "I've got nothing." "I've got fucking nothing here." "We haven't got anything." "We've spent all night doing... nothing, Gerrard, you prick!" "I've been working very hard trying to..." "You cocksucker!" "You bullshit, wanker!" "That's enough, Mark, all right?" "You can't talk to me like that!" "'I've lost my elephant man." "My beautiful elephant man.'" "How's it going, mate?" "Everyone's excited." "Jeff..." "Jeff..." "Listen, Jeff, your idea." "Have you still got the printout of the idea, the three-department merger?" "The one you wiped your arse on?" "Yeah." "That wasn't actually that funny, was it?" "Have you got a copy?" "Yeah, sure, mate." "Here it is." "'I feel so bad about betraying Mark." "'Still another snog for Jez's snog book." "'Hmm, he looks terrible." "Looks like he could do with a friend.'" "Mark?" "'God, I really hope I don't still smell of Sophie.'" "What's on the piece of paper, Mark?" "What?" "Has something on that piece of paper made you sad?" "You know what this piece of paper says, Jeremy?" "Is it something to do with history?" "Have they stopped history books?" "This piece of paper says that I am fucked." "Oh, that's horrible." "Who sent you that?" "It's my plan for Project Zeus." "Let's have a look." "That's what I've got to go through that door" " and pitch to the JLB board in ten minutes." " Shit." "I'm about to walk into a boardroom gangbang and get fucked by the biggest swinging dicks in corporate strategy." "Maybe you should run away." "Right, thanks, Jez." "People say it like it's a bad thing, running away from your problems, but if they never catch up with you, what's the hitch?" "In this case there would be repercussions." "What do you care?" "You'd be in the woods playing the ukulele with the rabbits and the squirrels." "I suppose I could... run away." "Do it, man!" "'I think that was good advice." "'I mean, I didn't actually expect him to do it." "'Maybe I wouldn't have said it if I thought there was any chance of him actually doing it, 'but... yep, there he goes.'" "'God, I'm running away." "'This is brilliant." "Maybe I'll go to a KFC and have a whole bargain bucket." "'Or I could join Al-Qaeda." "Maybe I'll marry my lap dancer." "'I do think in a weird way we had a connection." "'Fuck the Blockbusters fine, I'm going clear!" "'" "'Hiding out in a car park." "He's not exactly Grisly Adams, but it's a start.'" "(Big Suze) Jeremy?" "!" "Where's Mark?" "What the hell are you doing here?" "I know my rights." "I've spoken to my friends at the Citizens Advice Bureau." "Pay up or I shall make a disturbance." "OK, sure, fine, if it will make you feel any better." "Here, £380." "Cash." "Will that do?" "I'll take it." "But you know what?" "This means nothing to me." "I haven't got a penny in the world, Suze, but this means nothing to me without you." "There, you see." "Now do you see?" "That's how I feel." "Now will you go back out with me?" "Er, no, Jez." "I'm just not really that into you." "In that case... if you'll excuse me..." "'Shit, this could be difficult to row back from." "'This isn't a misspelt e-mail, this is going feral." "'I mean, rejecting society, seeking the company of wild creatures." "'That's not going to look good on my quarterly review." "'What's Jeremy stealing?" "Hotel napkins?" "'" " Mark?" " Soph." "What the fuck?" "Why are you hiding behind a bush?" "Aren't you meant to be in the big meeting?" "It doesn't work, Soph." "Project Zeus, it's unworkable." "What am I going to do?" "Hey, look, it'll be OK." "You know what, you should just go in there and tell the truth." "The truth?" "!" "Soph, this isn't an advert, this is real life where cocks get chewed off and arses get stuffed with compliance reports." "Look, I know it's corny, but just tell them this is real life - smelling the flowers." "All that reports-up-bums stuff, that's the bullshit." "Just tell them the truth - you're sorry, but you tried." " Do you really think?" " Of course." "'Maybe she's right." "Maybe the truth does work." "'Maybe Iraq was a good idea." "'Maybe I am putting enough into my pension plan." "'Maybe computer games aren't a waste of time." "Maybe OJ's innocent." "'Maybe everything's gonna be OK!" "'" "Everyone's wondering why you climbed in through the window." "Yeah, I don't play by the rule book." "What can I say?" "You don't use doors?" "Every window is also a door." "Not every window." "That depends, not tiny windows like lavatory windows." "OK, Mark is now going to take you through the detail of Project Zeus." "'Here I go." "Palms dry, mouth dry, inter-buttock area moist.'" "So integrating Sales and Marketing" " Project Zeus!" "The bad news is it doesn't work." "But, look - big picture - so what?" "Maybe we shouldn't be in the credit business at all." "Maybe we should look at human rights or global warming." "These are just ideas." "But where's the humanity?" "I suppose that's what I want to ask you today, if anything." "Where is the humanity?" "Old friend." "'Shit, I'm crashing and burning." "'That stupid bloody hippy sold me down the river." "'Plan B." "'What is Plan B?" "'" "Right, OK, you can stop the murmuring." "Please stop murmuring." "Unless you think it's nice to murmur at someone who's... dying." "'Did I just say that?" "I did just say that.'" "That's right, I've got brain cancer." "Half my brain's been eaten away already... probably." "But I think I did a pretty decent job for a man with a brain tumour the size of a pineapple who's gonna be dead within a month." "'Er, Plan C?" "Is there a Plan C?" "'" "Ah, ah, my brain!" "My poor diseased brain!" "Yeah, I'd just like to assure everyone that Mr Corrigan will indeed be dead in a month." "Paranoia, paranoia Everybody's coming to get me" "Just say you never met me" "I'm running underground with the moles" "Digging holes."