"Murder Most Horrid" "A Severe Case of Death" "First, gentle reader, let me introduce myself." "My name is..." "Or was..." "Maud Jenkins, and my extraordinary tale begins some years ago." "I was housekeeper to old Mr Adams, a gentleman physician in the village of Bratton in Dorset." "Maud!" "Maud!" "Ah!" "What have you done with my Anatomy?" "I'm sure I have no desire to do anything with your anatomy, sir... except perhaps to embalm it." "No." "My copy of Gray's Anatomy." "Have you tidied it away or what have you done with it?" "Nothing, Sir." "I was fascinated by the study of medicine, and with the knowledge I'd picked up from the old man's books" "I'll swear I was better able to offer advice to those who could not afford Adam's charges, than the doctor himself." "He's feverish and sweating but he says he has a cold chill." "It's the chillysweats, I know." "The Chillysweats!" "Nonsense." "Hmm." "He's got something I like to call Inﬂuenza." "Oh my God!" "He's got something Latin!" "What is it again?" "Influenza!" "O woe is me the devil has seen fit to give my child influenza." "What is it, doctor What be INFLUENZA?" "Well, it's basically just the chillysweats, isn't it?" "Only not so bad." "Alright?" "Four guineas." "Four guineas, sir?" "Isn't that rather expensive?" "Well, that's to save the hand." "Amputation's cheaper, two guineas, and for ten and six" "I can give you something to take away the pain while it falls off by itself." "There, and if that doesn't work come back and see me again." "How much do I owe you?" "Oh..." "Four parsnips." "Oh, I've got carrots...?" "Maud!" "Alright, alright." "Four carrots." "Come on." "Ah." "Where the devil have you been?" "I've been calling for you for an hour." "Now I've had this letter, and I can't read a blasted word." "My eyes are getting worse all the time." "I was amputating this chap's foot last week..." "Wrong foot, sir?" "Right foot, wrong chap." "Fortunately only got a couple of toes, he was very good about it." "Well, it's from your son." "Ah." "He writes that he tires of being at sea as a ship's surgeon and wishes you to find him out a living as a physician on land when the HMS Venturer returns from Lisbon." "Ah!" "I know the very thing." "Squire Thorpe of Wickleigh in Suffolk has a practice in his gift." "I'll write to him straight away recommending my son." "Although I had never met young Mr Adams," "I knew his reputation." "He was a roaring drunkard and reckless gambler..." "I'll wager any man hundred sovereigns that I can drink this in one." "Sir?" "Well I think you can do it." "Very well." "I wager you a hundred sovereigns that I can't." "Done, sir." "A hundred sovereigns." "Oh." "My son a village doctor?" "Give him a couple of years, and he'll be just like his old man." "What a senile half witted, half-cut, wan bottomed bore whose face looks just like his bottom except it hasn't got enough warts on it." "Yes, that's right." "Maud!" "Maud!" "Sir?" "Sir?" "And so, both father and son were dead within a week." "Pardon me?" "You were Mr Adams' housekeeper, were you not?" "Indeed, I was, sir." "Under the terms of the late Doctor's will, and in the absence of any living relatives, the house is left to the Sisters of Mercy to be a home for the incurably sick." "You will close it up and be out by morning." "Where am I to go, sir?" "That is none of my affair." "Good day." "It seemed to be the end of my medical career." "Oh, I could've become a nurse, and spent the rest of my life plumping pillows and disposing of stools, but I couldn't, as a mere Woman, ever become more than that." "Or could I?" "Dr John..." "Dr John Adams, physician, to see Squire Thorpe." "I have a letter of recommendaton with me from my father, Old Dr John Adams." "Physician, is it?" "Well I speak as I find, and I've yet to find a physician that wasn't a mountebank, a charlatan, a butcher, and a..." "Quack, sir?" "Yes, exactly." "Oh father." "You mustn't mind him, Mr Adams." "It's just that he didn't much like your predecessor, Mr Collings." "Really?" "And what happened to him?" "I stripped him naked, pushed a large carrot up his fundament and warned him that next time it would be a jacket potato." "He never returned." "I see." "Any, er, particular reason you did that?" "He was a fake." "Well there it is." "Collings lived in Briar House in the village." "The rent is paid to me on the first of the month." "I recommend that you stay away from me and we'll get on famously." "Good day, sir." "Charming..." "Come along Katharine." "I am the new resident, Dr John Adams." "I'm Gillian, sir, the housekeeper." "Well, I'm sure we'll get on very well, Gillian." "Oh yes, sir, I'm sure we will." "Very well..." "Umm, yes, well, maybe not quite that well." "I feel it only fair to inform you at this juncture, Gillian, that I am only attracted to females of a blonde persuasion with less sticky out bits in the up top department there." "My bags please, Gillian." "I settled in quickly, and..." "before long the villagers began to come to me with their ailments." "Don't worry, you won't feel a thing." "There is a new discovery, chloroform is it's name and it renders the patient insensible throughout the entire operation." "Alright?" "Unfortunately I haven't been able to get hold of any of that." "But I soon realised that Dame Sickness respects neither time nor person." "Sir, sir, come quick." "It's Miss Katharine..." "What the devil are you doing here?" "Don't take off your coat, Jeavons, you may as well go for the priest." "May I at least be permitted to examine my patient before you pronouce her dead, sir." "Oh, all right, but be quick, and none of your quackery." "Hmmm... hot head..." "runny HOSE... sore throat?" "This is something I call a viral infection." "Now write this down, it's very important." "She'll need to take one of these it's a vitamin, see." "Vitamin C." "She'll need to have some of this lemon." "She needs to sip this." "Lem, sip." "And she'll need some of these pills" "I've got from Paris she needs to eat 'em all." "Paris - eat 'em all." "Let me have a look at that." "Do you know, I think we're on to something here." "And she will be well?" "Quite well sir, I assure you." "You know, there's something different about you." "I can't quite put my finger on it but, have you grown sideboards since last night?" "No, sir." "Well that's a hell of a five o'clock shadow." "Well there it is." "I'm indebted to you, sir." "Well, I only did what any mountebank, charlatan, butcher or quack would have done." "I trust therefore sir, you won't need to be using this doctor's arse as a vegetable patch." "Good day to you, sir." "Ahem..." "Well, it looks perfectly fine to me." "What's your problem?" "I can't stop showing it to people." "Get out." "Squire Thorpe requests the pleasure of Doctor John Adams' company for dinner at the Manor House on the 18th of this month..." "Get out!" "Thank you, Gillian." "Well, well, well." "I am glad to see you so well recovered, Miss Katharine." "It is all thanks to the good doctor here." "So where have you been hiding this young man, Squire?" "The word has it you were a ship's surgeon, Mr Adams." "Oh, marvellous." "See, Gerald, Mr Adams has been to sea, he has seen the world." "Gerald went to Ipswich once, didn't you, Gerald?" "A sailor!" "I knew it." "Really?" "Yes, I can always tell a seafaring man by the cut of his breeches." "What was your ship?" "The Venturer." "Ah yes." "Lost with all hands a few months ago, if I'm not mistaken?" "Yes. I had the very good fortune to leave her before her last voyage." "Very fortunate." "Thank goodness." "I did of course see some action..." "I can imagine." "And in fact, I was once rather seriously wounded..." "Oh!" "Well, perhaps the ladies would like to repair to the other room...?" "Yes, yes, let's go, girls..." "Oh, no, doctor, you may not come with us." "It is you I wish to discuss." "Surely, doctor, you do not prefer the conversation of women?" "Good God no!" "What?" "Spend the next two hours talking about hairdos and nervous breakdowns?" "Women are delightful creatures in the sack, are they not sir?" "But their heads are sacks of potatoes." "One may as well endeavour to have an interesting conversation with an educationally challenged chimpanzee." "God forbid they should ever get the vote, otherwise the prime minister would be the candidate with the nicest hat or the prettiest curtains." "God forbid they should ever join the army, otherwise once a month, sir, we should go to war, should we not?" "No, I'm sorry sir, but in my opinion, women are for porking, not for talking!" "Well... er, quite." "Gentlemen, I have a surprise for you." "Havana cigars." "Ah." "So, Squire Thorpe." "Still no thoughts of marrying again?" "I live surrounded by women." "My daughter, governess, servants." "Why should I wish to get myself another one?" "For sexual intercourse." "Well, there is that I suppose, yes." "These are awfully good cigars, aren't they?" "Yes." "The grouse have been very patchy this year." "Old chap, I say old chap." "Here old chap, have a glass of water." "You alright?" "Fine, yes, fine, thank you." "Come, father, you may not deprive us of our interesting new doctor a moment longer." "Very well, my dear." "Gentlemen, would you...?" "Yes, I would, yes..." "And ah I hope, sir, that I may be forgiven for my hasty words when first we met." "Indeed, sir." "You are a good chap." "It will be good to have a man nearby for company." "Squire Thorpe and I became firm friends." "Indeed, as I began to spend more time in his company," "I even began to fall a little in love with him." "Show me a woman who'll come tramping over the moors with me, as you do." "Show me a woman who can shoot rabbits, drink ale, and sing dirty songs, as you do." "Show me a woman who likes a briar pipe and a hound half the size of a horse." "Show me such a woman and then speak to me of marriage." "Doctor Adams?" "Yes?" "Doctor John Adams, junior, from Bratton in Dorsetshire." "Yes." "That is my name." "How can I help you?" "You misunderstand me." "I am introducing myself." "I am Doctor John Adams, junior, from Bratton in Dorsetshire." "And what I want to know is... who the hell are you?" "You're not dead, then." "I don't know, "doctor", perhaps you'd better check." "What do you want?" "What do I want?" "Well." "I visit my father, and I find that he's snuffed it, and some fellow's taken off to Suffolk with all of his stuff." "Then I discover this chap's using my name, my credentials and wearing my father's clothes if I'm not mistaken, and doing very nicely thank you very much." "Well, it seems to me that someone's taken a bit of a liberty here, and so what I want, sir, is a place to live and all of your money." "John Adams came to live with me, and my life, which had been so pleasant, became intolerable." "I'm going to the alehouse." "So?" "So, money, Doctor." "Do excuse us please?" "Why, thank you, Doctor." "I offered him large sums to leave, but he would not, and I could not understand why..." "unless he was hiding from something..." "Or someone." "morning..." "Doctor Adams?" "Good morning sir." "How may I help you?" "Now, we've come to perform a small operation on you." "But I'm not him..." "The operation we have in mind involves relieving you of five thousand pounds that you owe to our employer," "Mr Tyson of Tilbury in London." "Course neither my associate here nor I are qualified medical men like yourself, and so should it not be possible, there is quite a good chance of the operation proving sadly fatal." "But I'm not him..." "So, Shall we stall with all the money you have?" "Where is it?" "It's in that drawer there." "Oh, dear." "Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh dear..." "What the blue blazes is going on?" "Sieze them, Beazer!" "Dissatisfied customers, doctor?" "Burglars, sir." "You have saved my life." "Not at all, not at all." "I'm not one for fancy talking so I'll be blunt." "I've come to make you a proposal of marriage." "Marriage!" "Aye." "What do you say?" "How did you know, sir?" "Oh come, come, I may be a blunt old devil, but I'm not as green as I'm turnip-faced." "And the fact is, damn it, I like you." "Well I'm very flattered, sir." "I love you and will be yours." "I've seen the way you look at Katharine, I know she likes you, and I'm sure you'll be very happy together... what did you say?" "I said..." "I'd love to, and will be your... son in law..." "Right." "Well there it is." "And if you'll take my advice, you'll get yourself a weapon." "One thing was clear." "The time had come for me to take matters into my own hands." "And I had one advantage over young Mister Adams." "You see, he knew I was an imposter, but he didn't know I had a cleavage that could crush walnuts..." "More ale" "Barman?" "A tot of rum, if you please." "Rum?" "That's a sailors drink." "Ave, and the nearest any girl will get to a sailor in this town." "You like a sailor then, do ye?" "I can't resist 'em." "What would you say if I was to tell you that I was a sailor?" "I should say that I knowed so, sir." "I can always tell a seafaring man by the cut of his breeches." "Barman!" "More rum." "And I never met a seafaring man yet who didn't like a little wager." "What have you in mind?" "Well I'll lay the contents of my purse against the contents of yours there that if you were to whisper the name of the ship you sailed on to the barman here," "I should be able to tell you the name of that ship just by watching you walk to that door and back." "You'll name my ship from the way I walk?" "I'll take your money, madam." "Now..." "Hmm." "Were you disguising your walk in any way?" "Why then, your ship was The Venturer." "Aye!" "Remarkable!" "What is your name, witch?" "Maud, sir." "Well, Maud." "I like you." "And there's plenty more where that came from." "Really?" "Let's just say the good doctor and I have come to an arrangement." "Some gentlemen were looking for the doctor as I passed by just now." "Atall thin man and a shorter one with dark eyes." "A tall thin man, you say?" "Had he a scar, here...?" "Aye, he did." "Why, do you know them?" "I know them by reputation." "They seek me for money which I owe and cannot pay." "No, no, no, they were looking for Doctor Adams." "I am Adams." "He is an imposter, the clever devil." "Oh, well what will you do, sir?" "I don't know." "Seems to me it's a very simple problem." "Does it?" "Why do you not just arrange the death of Doctor Adams?" "You mean..." "What do you mean?" "Well, you write him a letter asking him to join you at your father's house, you can settle affairs between you once and for all, and then..." "Excellent!" "And so I returned to Dorset to became an accomplice in my own murder." "He's here." "He's in the Drawing Room." "Just coming." "And don't forget, the poison's in the claret." "The claret." "Got that?" "In the claret." "Got it." "Right." "Well, my dear sir..." "So, what am I to call you?" "Enough of these pleasantries." "Why have you called me here?" "All right, all right, no need to be rude." "Am proposing a truce." "Drink?" "I think you'll find that a very agreeable wine myself I prefer port" "Your health!" "So." "How was your journey?" "Tolerable?" "Myself I find the Bratton road terribly dusty at this time of year." "Really helps to work up a thirst, don't you think?" "Cheers!" "In your letter you mentioned affairs that were to be settled between us." "Hum, affairs, yes, absolutely, but first... a toast." "Your health, sir." "Down the hatch." "Bottoms up!" "Anuses aloft, buttocks in the belfry." "Oh, all right." "And again." "Your very, very good health..." "Doctor Adams!" "Delicious." "If you'll excuse me, sir." "I just need to check something with my maid." "Do have some more wine." "Maud!" "Maud!" "Where the devil are you?" "Maud!" "There you are." "I don't understand it." "He's been drinking the damn stuff and he's not even pissed let alone dead." "Are you sure about that poison of yours?" "Oh yes, sir, it works particularly well in the port" "In the pod?" "I've been drinking the pod!" "Young Adams had bequeathed his house to me." "I then I sold it to publish my story and thus became the toast of all England." "To..." "Florence..." "Nightingale..." "with very best wishes for the future." "There you are, dear." "Thank you." "Young lady, don't forget your lamp now!" "I had finally settled in house with much happier memories." "And one day, a visitor came to welcome me to the county." "Good morning, madam." "My name is Thorpe, I am the squire of Manor House..." "How do you do, sir." "Will you like to join me for a pint of ale?" "Aye." "I Will." "And then, after we've had a long good fish in a stream, and we've shot half the animal life in the county and we've smoked all the tobaccy in darkest Africa, perhaps you'd join me upstairs where I'd like to be introduced" "to that little John Thomas you keep down the front of your trouser?" "Well it's a thought, isn't it?" "And that, gentle reader, is my whole story." "The story of Maud Thorpe of Manor House." "THE END"