"What's this?" "I know this one." "What is the world's cheapest puppet, Alex?" "Henry, save your sarcasm for your blog." "At least there, no one will read it." "It's my sock, dad." "What's the problem?" "The problem is I found it on your bathroom floor." "Now, if you're gonna live with me, all I ask is that you don't leave your bathroom looking like the aftermath of a Roman orgy." "Dad, I do a pretty good job of cleaning up around here." "I'm online right now looking for a job." "Do you want me to look for a maid?" "A maid?" "I got a maid!" "Her name is Henry." "Her wages are free room and board." "And the only reason I keep her employed is I feel sorry for her father." "All right, I get it." "I will be a better cleaning lady." "Hi, mom." "Oh, wow, I'm sorry to hear that, mom." "It'll be okay." "I can't really talk right now." "I'm not gonna do his voice." "He's right here, mom." "I got to go." "Good-bye, mom." " What's wrong with your mother?" " Nothing." "She's been on a losing streak with men lately." " For how long?" " Well, let's see, you guys split up 22 years ago, so... 27 years." "You're pretty sassy for a maid." "Let's go to dinner." " It's 4:00." " Right." "It's time for the early-bird special at the Hotcake Corral." "What's your problem?" "I don't know..." "I just feel like old people eat dinner at 4:00." "Old people eat dinner at 5:00." "Frugal people eat dinner at 4:00... to save money and to avoid the old people." "Let's go." "He becomes a cognac ad whenever he puts on a suit." "I'll never understand the connection." "What are you doing here?" "And why do you look like you should be hanging out the top of a limo?" "My girlfriend Janette from short-term rentals is getting married today, and she made all of her bridesmaids pay for these hideous dresses and these super-expensive makeovers." "The A.C. in the car is broken, so we have to stop every ten blocks and freeze her face to preserve it." "I'm so mad I had to pay for this." "Guess how much this cost." "Just take a guess." "I have no idea." "Just for fun... just take a guess." " You're not gonna believe it." " $1,000." "What?" "$1,000?" "Why would... that is so like you, Henry, to purposely guess too high!" "You said it was crazy expensive." "All right, what do you think, Ed?" " $1." " What?" "Why would you say $1?" "I didn't want to go over." "No, no, no. $400 for one stupid day." "It cost as much as Vince's suit." "We get it." "We get it." "I'd like to stay and chitchat about your makeup, but I got to take the maid to dinner." "Let's go." "You haven't taken me to the hotcake corral since I was a kid." "It's really changed." "How so?" " I'm not talking to you." " I'm not talking to you!" " You mean the menu?" " The menu?" "It's the okay-to-be-gay corral." "Ugh, it's mom." " I'll talk to her later." " No, talk to her now." "I don't want to deal with it now." "She's going through another bad breakup." "It'll be an hour-long rant about how she's being screwed over by men." "You know, it's not your responsibility to take on your mother's problems." "I'm not taking them on." "I'm just listening to them." "Anyway, I'm sure she can take care of herself." "That'd be convenient, wouldn't it?" "Seeing as how you're the cause of most of them." " I beg your pardon?" " What?" "Nothing." " Really?" "'Cause I thought I heard you say," ""seeing as you're the cause of most of them. "" "Oh, sorry about this mess... wait." "I remember you." "I remember you." "You're that nice homosexual from the DMV." "Well, not anymore." "I thought it was genetic." "Henry, this is that nice man that I was telling you about who fudged on my test so I could pass, and I didn't lose my license." " That was very nice of you." " Wasn't it?" "I got fired for it." " You're kidding." " No, I'm not." "That's terrible." "Anyway, I'll have the short stack, the coffee, and the side of Canadian bacon." "My kid will have the same." "Anything else you'd like to say to me?" "Yeah, I'm hungry, so sooner rather than later." "Did I mention I sacrificed my job so you could drive around town spreading evil?" "Did I mention I was hungry, so sooner rather than later?" "Dad, you're not gonna apologize?" "For what?" "I had a government job that's almost impossible to get fired from, with full benefits and a pension, and now I'm packing syrup in a holster." "I didn't know." "So now would you like to say something to me?" "Yeah, what kind of syrup are you packing?" "Boysenberry and maple." "Aren't you forgetting something?" "They have to do that every time you ask." "It makes me laugh every time." "I'll have the boysenberry, sooner rather than later." "You're unbelievable." "He just wanted you to apologize." "Well, I want the aphids to stay away from my tomato plants." "I want a 12-inch cucumber." "Holla!" "You know, they do that here every time I talk about gardening?" "It's very odd." "The point is, I want a lot of things, but it doesn't mean I'm gonna get them." "You should apologize." "If not because he helped you out, because he's handling your food." "He wouldn't do anything to my food, would he?" "Here you go... apple pie." " I didn't order apple pie." " It's on the house... special, just for you." "There's no way I'm putting that in my mouth." "Holla!" "Unbelievable." "Can't go to my favorite restaurant because some waiter is gonna defile my food, for God knows what reason." "Ed knows the reason!" "You got that guy fired, and you won't go and say you're sorry." "Ed doesn't know the reason!" "And nobody likes him at that pancake house." "Did you notice how they all clinked their glasses when I said we should stiff him?" "Will you just go over there and say you're sorry and get it over with?" "I've got nothing to apologize for!" "Dad, it is your fault." "Just cop to it." "Let me tell you a story that happened to me in medical school." "Maybe it'll make it clearer for you." "A farmhand is working in a tobacco field and gets run over by a combine... louses up the whole machinery." "So now, who's to blame..." "the farmer, the farmhand, the guy who sold me the beer?" "Everyone knew the risks involved." "Wow, that went a completely different way than I thought it was gonna go." "Well, the point is," "I may not be able to return to Kentucky..." "But you can bet your ass I am going to figure out a way to eat my short stack and turkey bacon in peace, sooner rather than later." "Hi." "Welcome to hotcake corral." "What can I rustle up for you, partner?" "I'm new here, so I'd like to try the coffee, the short stack, and the turkey bacon, sooner rather than later." "Are you joking?" "I know it's you." "It's not me." "This is not Metropolis." "Putting on a pair of glasses is not a disguise." "I don't know what you want from me." "I just want you to apologize." "Well, that's not gonna happen." "I saw the look in your eyes when you were telling me that you didn't have a relationship with your son." "It was sweet and vulnerable." "It's the reason why I cheated on the test for you." "I know that, deep down inside, you are a closet nice person." "So why don't you just come out of the closet?" "Enough!" "If you do not apologize, you are no longer welcome in this restaurant." "Oh, really?" "You can't do that." " Just watch me." " Oh, yeah." "I know the law around here." "What kind of syrup are you packing?" " Mm." " Oh." " I..." "I won't." " Oh, yes, you do." " No, no, no, no." " Oh, yes, you have to." " Not for you." " I repeat... what kind of syrup are you packing?" "No!" "No syrup for you." "Now, get the hell out of my restaurant." "Whoa, whoa." "Hold on, cowboy." "Is there... is there a problem here?" "Yes, Lawrence, this man won't take my order." "I'm sorry." "Do you know me?" "Whoa, Ed." "I did not recognize you." "What's... what's with the disguise?" "I'm sorry to be a bother, but this man won't take my order." " He won't serve me." " Why not?" "Tim, this is Ed Goodson." "He's one of our best customers." "He likes his food sooner rather than later." "I'm sorry." "I can't serve him." "It's a matter of principle." "Uh, you will serve him." "In fact, you will comp his meal." "Sorry about this, Ed." "No problem." "No." "This man does not deserve free food." "I forbid it." " You forbid it?" " Yes." "I think you're forgetting something, Tim." "She's the sheriff." "And now you've left me with no choice." "Tim, I'm going to have to ask you surrender your badge." " No, he didn't." " Whoo, yes, he did." "And your guns." "And I don't want to see you around these parts again." " You got him fired?" " I didn't do anything." "He got himself fired." "He denied me sustenance." "That's a violation of the Geneva convention." "Dad, I don't think the Geneva convention applies to pancake houses." "It does to international pancake houses." "You're unbelievable." "Do you even care that you just ruined this guy's life?" "Why do you care so much?" "Let's just say I have a soft spot for people you've screwed over." "Excuse me?" "You wreck people's lives, and then you walk away." "What people?" "Who are you talking about?" "This is who I'm talking about." "Blockbuster?" "I thought it was mom." "What does your mother got to do with this?" "You think she keeps calling me to tell me how happy she is?" "She's never gotten over what you did to her." "Henry, there are a lot of reasons" " why a marriage doesn't work." " Oh, come on." "Sometimes the pig walks to slaughter because he knows it's better for the farmer." "Yeah, you're gonna have to explain that one to me." "Sometimes..." "The pig walks to slaughter..." "Because he knows it's better for the farmer." "Okay, I don't know if you're the pig." "I don't know if you're the farmer, but I know one thing." "Your marriage didn't work for one reason." "You cheated on my mother." "You're looking to say sorry for something, how about that, dad?" "And you owe blockbuster $7 for transformers 2." "That I'm sorry for." "Oh, my God." "That open house was so hot." "How are we supposed to sell the condo with no air-conditioning?" "It felt like my face was melting off." "I think it has, honey." "Why don't you just wash it off?" "I can't." "It was too expensive." "Sweetheart, you've already got two days out of it, okay?" "Why don't you just... call it a face?" "I need it to last one more day." "I got a call from K.P.I.L." "They're doing a segment on local real estate." "Oh, my God, they want to interview us?" "Yes, they want to interview me." " Both of us?" " Yes, just me!" "I figure if I can make it last one more night, then it'll practically have paid for itself." "I don't know, sweetheart." "I mean, don't you think it's starting to look a little..." "Batman villain-ish?" "I can touch it up." "It was $400, Vince." "Do you know what $400 is?" "That's a month of olive garden." "Okay." " So I have your support?" " Yeah, of course." "Are you thinking about olive garden now that I've said "olive garden"?" "Wha... no!" "No." "I'm thinking of you." "Honey, I'm starting to tear up." "Get me a napkin before my makeup gets bad." "Hey, man." "I didn't even know you were here." "What's going on?" "Dad and I got into a huge fight." "Did you eat all the good cheese?" "No." "Mm, would you be willing to say that you ate half of the good cheese?" "No." "What happened?" "He just got this guy fired from the diner." "Oh, wow." "Food must've come later than sooner." "What's it to you?" "It just brought up all these feelings about what he did to my mom." "What are you talking about?" "He cheated on her." "Is that what your mom told you?" "No, she didn't have to, everybody knows." "That's why they got divorced." "That's why she has 20 ex-boyfriends." "21." "Henry, I have to tell you something." "But we're gonna need some cheese for this." "Oh, my God." "You?" "What do you want?" "Well, I'm sorry to show up unannounced." "I hope I'm not interrupting some colorful game or sing-along." "That's not what we do... all the time." "How did you find me?" "Sheriff Lawrence gave me your address." "I hate her." "So what do you want?" "How much to call my son and tell him that I've apologized to you?" "How much?" "Why don't you just apologize?" "I'm not sorry." "Okay, $1 million." "Or you can say I'm sorry, and I'll do it for free." " Will you take a check?" " Oh, come on." "You drove all the way over here for this?" "Why is it so important to you?" "Because I can't say I'm sorry for the one thing my son wants me to say I'm sorry for." "Holla!" "That's not how it goes." "What does he want you to say you're sorry for?" "That's none of your business." "Look, I..." "I'm..." "I'm sorry I came." "Forgive me." "I'll just... wait." "Come back." "I don't know why I always get sucked in by you." "Holla?" "Closer." "Tell you what..." "I'll make the call if you tell me what you can't say you're sorry for." "Cheating on his mother." "You cheated on his mother?" "Dad didn't cheat on your mom." "Your mom cheated on dad with the gravel guy." "What?" "That makes no sense." "Sure it does." "We used to have a circular driveway." "I'll tell you, it was the envy of the cul-de-sac." "So much gravel and..." "not about the gravel..." "About dad." "Dad cheated on mom with Mrs. Fasinello." "Mom found out about it, and she split." "No, Henry, you were too little to remember, but I used to hear all the fights." "As a matter of fact, I remember the day that your mom jumped in the Chevy and peeled out of here." "There was gravel flying everywhere." "Why would dad take the heat for something he didn't do?" "Because she was raising Henry, and if he found out the truth, he wouldn't respect her." "And that was something I found unacceptable." "So you kept that lie alive just to protect his mother's integrity?" "That's quite a sacrifice." "Well, she was a single mother bringing up a five-year-old kid, so who was making the bigger sacrifice?" "Wow." "How did you know it was the gravel guy?" "Well, he was there for six months." "The driveway was eight inches thick." "Holla!" "Mm-mm, maybe he was embarrassed?" "No, that's not it." "He was protecting my mom." "He was protecting me." "Why would he do that?" "Because sometimes the pig walks to slaughter 'cause he knows it's better for the farmer." "I totally know what you mean." "So you'll call and tell him I apologized?" " Fine." " You're a good man." "Great." "I'm a good man without a job." "Okay, glee has been on pause for 27 minutes." "No one in there's gonna wait any longer." "Oh, hi, Ed!" " Hi, sheriff." " I'll be in in a minute." " Sooner rather than later." "Right, Ed?" "If you're trying to kill me, you got to squeeze harder." "I just want to thank you." "For what?" "Oh, you saw I hired the maid." " You hired a maid?" " I'm not a maid." "I have a masters in folklore and a nursing degree from the university of Phoenix in Los Angeles." "Coaster..." "Yeah, that's how that goes." "Oh, my God, you gave Tim a job." "That's fantastic." "Yeah, I'm living the dream." "So if you're not thanking me for hiring Tim, what are you thanking me for?" "Well, I just woke up today, and I felt really happy to be here." "So thank you." "Fine." "Now, would you back it up about a foot?" "Your breath smells of hot garbage." "Really happy to be here." "Excuse me." "What is this?" "I like this guy!" "Oh, okay, shh, shh." "Here she is." "This is Tigre Ramirez in Chula vista, where I'm getting some insider home-buying tips at the local office of San Diego realtor Bonnie Goodson." "Thank you, Tigre." "You know, looking for a real-estate agent can be a terrifying process." "I've heard a lot of horror stories." "Above all, it's important to get someone with a face you can trust."