"I'm giving a lecture in 20 minutes and my driver is a bit lost." "You go straight ahead and make a left over the bridge." "That's a lovely accent you have." "New Jersey?" "Austria." " Austria?" "Well, g'day mate!" "Let's put another shrimp on my Bar-B!" "Let's not." "Who's got the wiener schnitzel?" "There you go, doll." "There you go." "Let's see, next we've got rosbif a la jus." "Who's got the rosbif a la jus?" "They were beautiful." "Walk away." "Last but not least, foot long!" "Who's got the foot long?" "Very funny, Rascal." "In your dreams." "Harry, why haven't you dropped those dogs off at the show you?" "Sorry, couldn't send them to perform on an empty stomach." "Get a move on." " Yes." "Mutt Cutts understood." "Sock me sideways." "Hello, how are you?" "I'll be out in one minute." "Why are you going to the airport?" "Flying somewhere?" "How did you guess?" " I saw your luggage." "And when I saw the airline ticket, I put two and two together." "So where right you heading?" " Aspen." "California... beautiful." "My name's Christmas." "Lloyd Christmas." "I'm Mary Swanson." "This isn't my real job." " No?" "My friend Harry and I want to open our own pet store." "That's nice." "I Got Worms." " I beg your pardon?" "That's what we want to call it: "I Got Worms"." "Specializing in worm farms." "You know, like ant farms..." "What's the matter?" "A little tense about the flight?" "Something like that." " There's nothing to worry about, Mary." "Statistically your more likely to get killed on the way to the airport... like in a head-on crash or flying off a cliff... or trapped under a gas truck." "That's worst." "I have this cousin, had this cousin..." "Lloyd, keep your eyes on the road please?" "Good thinking." "Can't be too careful." "A lot of bad drivers out there." "And okay gang, you know the rules." "No humping, no pushing, no sniffing." "Where've you been?" "My dogs should have been here 40 minutes ago." "Now I hardly have time to primp them." " Don't worry, Mrs. Noogieburger." "Newborn!" " New..." "Born!" " These pooches don't need primping." "Why, I bathed them and clipped them myself." "I stand by my performance." "On second thoughts, you might want to comb them." "Thanks." "Here you go." " Oh no, Mary." "I couldn't possibly accept that." "Not after all we've been through." "Thank you, Lloyd." "Good luck with your worms." "How about a hug?" "I hate goodbyes." "Lloyd!" "Just go." "Be strong." "She'll leave the briefcase by the escalator." "You make the pick up." "Piece of cake." "Goodbye, my..." "Mary!" "There is our pay day." "She left it." "Let's go..." "Wxcuse me!" "Coming through..." "Move it or lose it, sister!" "Weny.. meeny... miny... mo!" "Hold that plane!" " You can't go in there." "It's okay!" "I'm a limo driver." "Hi, Lloyd." " Hi, Harry." "How was your day?" " Not bad." "Fell off the jetway again." "Who's he working for anyway?" " I don't know." "But we better find out." "The ulcer?" " I'll live." "You got fired again?" " Oh yeah!" "They always freak out when you leave the scene of an accident." "Well, I lost my job too." "Man, you are one pathetic loser." "No offence." " None taken." "You know what really chaps my ass?" "I spent my life savings turning my van into a dog." "Hi, Pete." " The alarm alone cost me 200." "The chicks love it." "It's a shagging wagon." "What's with the briefcase?" "It's a love memento to the most beautiful woman in the world." "I drove her to the airport, sparks flew, emotions ran high..." "She actually talked to me." " Get out of here!" "Tractor beam, sucked me right in." "Anyway... she left this, flew to Aspen and out of my life." "What's in it?" "Man, I'm not a low life who roots round in other people's property." "And is it locked?" " Yes, really well." "There's two of them." "One's got a gun." "Did you pay the gas bill?" "You realize what you've done?" " I say we bail." "The briefcase ain't here." "He must've taken it with him." "Well he's got to come home some time." "Maybe we should trash the place." "Send him a little message." "I don't think he'll get the message." "He has worms in his living room." "I've got a better idea." "I tought I taw a puddy tat." "I did, I did..." "We drove around all day and there's not a single job in this town." "There's nothing, nada, zip!" "Unless you want to work 40 hours a week!" "Here." "I'm going to the store." "Just get the essentials." "That's our dough." " What do I look like?" "Cripes!" "Wxcuse me..." "little old lady." "You have change of a dollar?" " Change?" "No I'm sorry." "Well, could you do me a favor?" "Watch my stuff while I break a dollar?" "Of course." " Thanks." "I guess that senior citizens may be slow and dangerous at the wheel... but they can still serve a purpose." "I'll be right back." "Don't you go dying on me." "Where's the booze?" "I got rolled by a sweet old lady on a motorized cart." "I didn't even see it coming." "Come on, Harry." "Cheer up." "It gets worse, Lloyd." "My parakeet Pete... is dead." "Oh man, I'm sorry." "What happened?" "His head fell off." " His head fell off?" "Yes, he was pretty old." "That's it." "I've had it with this dump." "We got no food, no job... our pet heads are falling off." " Okay, just calm down." "And what the hell are we doing here, Harry?" "We've got to leave town." "And go where?" "Where to?" " I'll tell you where..." "Some place warm." "Where the beer flows like wine." "Where beautiful women flock like the salmon of Capastrano." "I'm talking about a little place like Aspen." "I don't know, the French are assholes." "Wait a minute..." "I know what you're up to, mister!" "You just wanna go to Aspen and find the girl who lost her briefcase." "And you need me to drive you there." "Am I right?" "Am I right?" " Yes, so?" "So I want to go where somebody can plug us into the social pipeline." "No, no, no, Lloyd!" "And I say we stay here, hunt for jobs and save for the worm store." "I don't know about you, but I'm sick and tired of running from creditors." "You know what I'm sick of?" "I'm sick of having to eek my way through life." "And I'm sick of being nobody." "But most of all..." "I'm sick of having nobody." "Okay, Lloyd." "Aspen it is." "You'd better not be fooling." "Okay, just let it out." "Have a good cry." "Okay that's enough." "Lloyd, what are you doing?" "It feels like you're running incredibly fast, Harry." "We're not even through Connecticut yet and you're annoying me." "We're really doing it, aren't we buddy?" "Hey, where d'you get those?" " I bought them when we filled up." "We're supposed to talk about expenditures." "We're on a tight budget." "This didn't come out of the travel fund." "I raised 25 bucks extra before we left." "Were you get 25 extra bucks?" "I sold some stuff to Billy in 4-C." "The blind kid?" "What did you sell him, Lloyd?" "Stuff." " What kind of stuff?" "I don't know... baseball cards..." "a bag of marbles..." "Pete..." "Pete?" "You sold my dead bird to a blind kid?" "Pete didn't even have a head." " Harry, I took care of it." "Pretty bird." "Can you say "pretty bird"." "Pretty bird." "You're a pretty bird." "Pretty bird." "Polly want a cracker?" "The red bastards." "They're rubbing it in our faces." "Andr, will have a hemorrhage if we don't get the briefcase back." "They've been following us for weeks." " Why you say?" "Gas man." "How did they know I got gas?" "They got to be pros." "Don't worry, we'll get that money back." "I'll tell you something else... they ain't never getting to Aspen." "I'lI see to that." "They got The Monkeys." "A major influence on the Beatles." "Wxcuse me, Flo..." "Flo..." "like the TV show." "What is the soup du jour?" " It's the soup of the day." "That sounds good." "I'lI have that." "Feels good to mingle with these laid-back country folk, don't it?" "I like it a lot." "What's the matter?" "You spilt the salt." "That's the matter." "Spilling the salt is very bad luck." "Driving across country, the last thing we need is bad luck." "Toss some salt over your right shoulder." "What the hell?" "!" "Okay, who's the dead man that hit me with the salt shaker?" "It was a terrible mistake, sir." "I'd never offend a man of your size." "Take his ass, Sea Bass." "You gonna eat that?" " What that?" "No..." "It crossed my mind." "You really went out man." "What are you talking about, went out?" "The guy hawked on my burger." "I think I just..." "Yes, I just had an idea." "Follow me." "Wxcuse me, guys?" " What the hell do you want?" "I just want to apologize... for that unpleasant scene a little earlier." "My friend Harry and I... would like to buy you guys a round of beers... just to bury the hatchet." " Make it for Blothermakers." "Whatever you want, sir." "I'lI have the waitress bring it over." "What're you doing?" "We can't afford to buy them drinks." "Wxcuse me." "Sea Bass and the fellas offered to pick up our check." "They said put it on their tab." "They're very nice." "Sea Bass said that?" " Well, if... that the guy at the table is Sea Bass..." "All right, if that's what he wants..." "Put these on there too, okay?" "I'll kill those sons of bitches." "That was genius, Lloyd." "Where did you come up with a scam like that?" "I saw in a movie once." " That was incredible." "What happened?" "Some sucker picked up his tab and he got away with it?" "No, in the movie they caught up half a mile down the road and slit his throat." "It was a good one." "I know this isn't the best time, but can you pull over?" "I got to pee." "Are you crazy?" "Not now." " But I gotta go..." "Wizz in one of the empty beer bottles in the back." "They're on the floor." "Watch the seat!" "What?" "What's wrong?" "The bottle's almost full, and I'm still going." "So stop." " I can't stop once I've started." "Quick give me another bottle." "Come on, hurry!" "Hold that." "Hold that one." "Hurry, I'm pitching it." " What are you, a camel?" "Pull over." "Pull over." "No it's a cardigan, but thanks for noticing." "Killer boots, man." "Pull your vehicle to the side of the road." "License and registration, please." "You fellas were going a little fast, wouldn't you say?" "You fellas been doing a bit of boozing, have you?" "Socking back Grandpa's old cough medicine?" "No, oh no sir." "Well what's that?" "That's nothing, sir." " Nothing..." "Are you aware that it's against the law... to have an open alcohol container in the car in Pennsylvania?" "Give me that booze, you pumpkin-pie haircutted freak.." "Sir, no..." " No, sir." "Don't drink..." "You'd keep your mouth shut if you knew what was good for you." "Tic-tac, sir?" " Get the hell out of here." "How could they not have the ransom?" "It doesn't make sense." "I left the money exactly where they instructed me to." "It makes perfect sense, Mary." "We should have called the police when Bobby was kidnapped." "We've been through this, Helen." "Mr Andr,." "Nicolas..." " Carl..." "Any word yet, sir?" " Nothing yet, Nicholas." "I've been giving this a lot of thought." "Maybe we should cancel the benefit this week." "We shouldn't do anything unusual." " She's right, we must carry on." "Wspecially you, Mary." " I have to act as if everything was fine?" "Wxactly." " Go skiing, act normally..." "We can't let on that anything's wrong." "If the press gets wind of this, the kidnappers may panic." "You never know what they might do." "So he says, do you love me?" "And she says "No"... but that's a nice ski-mask!" "What's that?" "You want me to drive?" "No, I'm cool." "I don't know." "These places just bring back a lot of memories." "What happened." "Harry?" "Did some filly break your heart?" "No, it was a girl." "Fraida Felcher." "We stayed in a place like this." "Not this classy, but nice." "Felcher, from Cranston?" " You know her?" "Yes!" "I mean, I remember you talking about her." "We had an incredibly romantic time." "I thought we'd be together for ever... but a week later she sent me a John Deere letter." "She give you any reason?" " I called her up." "She gave me some crap about me not listening to her." "I don't know." "But what hurt most was:" "I think she was seeing another guy." "I never found out who." "Mr Andr, guess who we bumped into?" "It all ends in a phone booth." "Yeah, the boys are holed up in a love nest." "They're a bit strange." "What the hell are they up to?" "Are they Feds?" "Highly unlikely!" "You ever heard of the concept of "other people"?" "Me being that for the phone?" "You turned your back on me." "He got me mad." "You were supposed to grab that bag!" " Your drink, honey." "Hold on..." "Get off the phone." "Get off the phone." "I'm sorry, Mr Andr, you were saying?" "These jokers have a lot of money and it's mine!" "I want to know who they are and what they're doing!" "I told you already:" "I'm on it." "Good!" "Come on Joe, let me do both of them." "You wouldn't have to worry about it." "Just shut up." "We don't even know who they are." "You don't kill people you don't know." "That's a rule." "Come up here and lie on the front seat." "When they pick me up, you follow us." "You got that?" "Hey, here they come!" "Stay down." "Say, are you guys going to Davenport?" "My car died and I'm late for lunch." "We usually don't pick up hitchhikers." "But I'll go with my instinct on this one." "Saddle up." "Partner!" "You're it!" "You're it!" "Quitsies..." "Anti-quitsies..." "You can't do that!" " Can too!" "You can't!" "Can do; double stamp that!" "Can not!" "Triple stamp it!" "No racies..." "You can't triple stamp a double stamp!" "You can't triple stamp a double stamp!" "Lloyd!" "Guys!" "Wnough!" "Hey, want to hear the most annoying sound in the world?" "Guys!" "Guys!" "Guys!" "Fellas..." "You think we could listen to the radio?" "Radio?" "Who needs the radio?" "Ready, Harry?" "Mock... ing... bird." "Mocking bird, don't everybody..." "have you heard?" "She's going to buy me a mocking bird..." "And if that's mocking bird don't sing..." "She's going to buy me a diamond ring..." "You want an atomic pepper, Mr Mentalino?" "You guys go ahead." " I'll do it if you will, Lloyd." "Okay, you go first." " No, you go." "No, you." " You." "I always go." " Why don't you guys... stop acting like a pair of pussies and go at the same time." "That sounds like a dare, Harry." " It's a double dare!" "Okay, you're on." "It's not so bad." " More tingly than hot." "If you'll excuse me, I gotta use the phone." "Wnjoy your meal, guys." "Lloyd, this helps." "That was good." "Here it is, Mental." "I'm sitting down to nice meal with our boys." "Don't forget the bread plate is on the left!" "." "I can't have them running around Aspen." " Don't worry." "They won't be running around anywhere with rat poison in their Shirley Temple." "Here he comes." "Feeling better?" " Much better, thank you for asking." "Why are you going to Aspen, vacation?" "Why don't you eat up and we'll tell you." "You didn't pack much." "I just saw one bag and a briefcase." "The briefcase isn't ours." "A lady left at the airport." "We're just bringing it back to her." "How's your burger?" "You mean you don't even know her?" "Talk about the wrong place at the wrong time!" "You okay, man?" "It was just a goof." "Ouch, my ulcer." "My pills." " Maybe we should call an ambulance." "You'll get your pills." "Don't worry, I know CPR." "I'll get the pills." "It's a lot easier if you just lay back." "He's resisting me." "Pills..." "Pills are good for you." " Let 'em go down." "That's better." "You want to ketchup and mustard like us?" "Some of a bitch!" "Check please!" "I can't believe it." "Life's a fragile thing here." "One minute you're chewing on a burger, the next you're dead meat." "But he blamed me." "You heard his last words." "Not if you count the gurgling sounds." "He was poisoned?" " No doubt about it." "We found these next to the body." "The waitress says he came in with a couple of younger guys." "They called the ambulance, then they hit the road." "Any idea where there were going?" "We have a report they were seen going west on the I-80 to Colorado." "You got a make on the vehicle?" "Yes, they're driving an 84... sheepdog." "Skis, huh?" "That's right." " Great." "They're yours?" "Uhuh." "Both of them?" "Cool!" "Wxcuse me, but you're spraying everywhere." "That's a lot of luggage for a vacation." " I'm moving to Aspen." "I've got a get away from my boyfriend." "He such a klutz." "My astrologer told me to stay away from accident-prone guys." "Here, it's a little loose..." "Hey, no... allow me..." "I've got a thing, here." "I'm heading up to Aspen myself." "Maybe we could meet up and drink some hot chocolate." "Sure, why not?" "You seem harmless." "I'll give you my number." "Let's find a pen." "I know I have one here somewhere." "Just tell it to me, I have a good memory." " The number is 555:" "90... sorry, that's my old number." "You mind sometimes goes blank." " Just give me that damn number!" "You gonna get pushy, forget it." "Find a happy place." "Find a happy place." "Any sign of them yet?" " We're expecting them shortly." "A motorist saw them about 30 miles back heading this way." "I told you what happened, okay?" " Okay, sure thing." "A look, were almost in Colorado." "Shall we change seats?" "I've been driving for nine hours." "I don't have the energy to start a new state." "Hey guys." "Big gulps, huh?" "See you later." "Hey, Harry." "I've got some..." "Some people just weren't cut out for life on the road." "I was wondering when you were going to get up." "How long have I been out?" "I'd say a good five hours." "I expected the Rocky Mountains to be rockier than this." "I was thinking the same thing." "That John Denver is full of shit, man." "I'm only human, Harry." "Anyone can make a mistake." "Come on, stop being a baby." "So we backtracked a tad..." "A tad?" "You drove a sixth of the way across the country... in the wrong direction!" "Now we don't have enough money to get Aspen, to get home... to eat." "We don't have enough money to sleep!" "We can't sit here and whine about it." "We're in a hole and we'lI have to dig ourselves out." "Okay." "You'll right, you're absolutely right." "Where are you going?" " Home, I'm walking home." "Well, pardon me, Mr Perfect!" "I guess I forgot:" "you never make a mistake!" "Got room for one more, if you wanna go to Aspen." "Where did you find that?" " Some kid back in town." "Traded the van for it straight up." "I can get 70 mpg on this hog." "Lloyd, when I think you couldn't be any dumber... you go and do something like this... and totally redeem yourself!" "Still wanna go to Aspen?" "Okay, let's go, buddy." "Go west." "Go west, boy." "I gotta stop and go to the bathroom." "Just go, man." "That's nice and warm." "We're there." "It got a little dippy back there." "Isn't this incredible?" "What more could two single guys want?" "How about some food?" "I swallowed a June bug when we were driving, I'm full." "I'm starving." "Jesus, look at the butt on that." " Yeah... he must work out." "Why don't we deliver the briefcase to Mary?" "If I know her, she'll invite us in for tea and strumpets." "Good plan, where does she live?" " I don't know." "What's her last name?" "I don't recall." "It starts with an S." "Swin..." "Swamie..." "Slippy..." "Slappy, Slimin, Solomon, Simin, Sal, Swenson, Swanson..." "Look on the briefcase." " Yes." "It's right here." "Samsonite." "I was way off." "But it started with an S." "I'm not seeing it here." " She must be unlisted." "Great." "What we do now?" "I can't feel my fingers." "They're numb." "Maybe you should wear these extra gloves." "My hands are sweaty." "Wxtra gloves?" "You had extra gloves the whole time?" "Yeah, we're in the Rockies." "I'm gonna kill you." "I'm gonna kill you." "I'm gonna kill you." "Calm down." " I'm gonna kill you." "You got that crazy looking you arrive." "I know what I'm gonna do." "I'm gonna do what I should've done a long time ago." "Don't do anything foolish." " Foolish?" "This isn't foolish." "I'm gonna toss this damn curse into that damn pond." "I'll do it." " No..." "Your hands are freezing." "Okay, here's the plan." "We borrow a few bucks from the briefcase... and find some reasonable lodgings." " And we'll keep track with lOUs." "We'll pay back whatever we borrow, to the last penny." "That's what we're good for." " Our word is our bond." "This is the presidential suite, gentlemen." "Normally reserved for royalty, dignitaries... stars of stage and screen." "The Wmperor of Japan is coming." "Prince Charles and Di, when they were together... used to frequent the hotel." " We'll take it." "There you go..." "There you go... there you go..." "Oh boy, this is living, huh?" "What's on next?" "I don't know, let me look." "Lloyd, you okay?" "Harry, it's Mary." " Who?" "Mary with the briefcase." "Mary Swanson." "Swanson... wool hast a noo..." "...host an annual... annual meeting of t-h-e..." " The... the inter..." " It's a big one... International preservation society..." "tomorrow night." "Come on, Cinderella." "You got to go to the ball." "Thanks Barn..." "There you go." " Thank you sir." "Okay, okay, okay." "Cripes!" "Time out." "Wxcuse me, gentlemen." "This is a 500 dollar-a-plate dinner." "Goodnight." "500?" "No problem here." "Put us down for four." "In case we want seconds." "Jesus Christ, it's them." " Them who?" "The guys who whacked Mental." "Can't you feel it Harry, this is our big chance." "We just have to show some class..." "and sophistication... and we're in like a dirty shirt." " That's no problem, Lloyd." "Look at the fun bags on that hound." "I could eat her liver with beans and a bottle of Chianti." "Come on, let's get some loud-mouth soup." "Bartender, two Martinis please." "Your attention please." "The Aspen Preservation Society is the foremost defender... of 23 endangered species." "It is with tremendous honor we asked Mr Swanson... to introduces us to the 24th." "Carl?" "Ladies and gentlemen..." "I give you the Icelandic Snow Owl." "These magnificent specimens are 1/7... of the snow owl population left on the planet." "And God willing, with your help and the society... these wonderful creatures will flourish once more." "Thank you again and enjoy your evening." "Can I have some pistachios, please?" "And another one of those." "Would you calm down?" "I've never seen you so nervous." "Keep an eye on them, Shay." "A close eye." "I'm ready for commitment." "The first time I set eyes on Mary Swanson..." "I got that old-fashioned romantic feeling... that I do anything to bone her." " That's a special feeling, Lloyd." "Oh my, there she is." "Wow, you weren't kidding." "She's an angel." "What are you waiting for?" "Go and talk to her." "She's going to think I'm a psycho that I came so far..." "But you have the briefcase." "She'll be thrilled to see you." "Wait, I have an idea." "Why don't you go and introduces yourself... and build me up." "Then I won't have to brag about myself later." "Tell her I'm rich..." "and good-looking... and... and have a rapist wit." " Know, I don't think I..." "Come on." "Okay." "What you gonna do?" "I'm gonna hang by the bar and put out the 'vibe'." "Nice set of hooters you got there." "I beg your pardon?" " The owls... beautiful." "Are you a bird lover?" " Me?" "No..." "I used to have a parakeet, but my main expertise is canines." "Dogs... for the lay person." "Thanks..." "I love dogs do." "How are you involved with them?" "I trained them, bathed them, clipped them, and even bred them." "Oh really?" "Any unusual breeding?" " No, mostly just doggy style." "One time we mated a Bulldog with a Shitzu..." "Really?" "That's weird." "Yeah, we called it a Bullshit." "Anyway, the real reason I came over here... was to introduce you to a buddy of mine." "Mary, haven't met your friend..." "Well actually we haven't been introduced." "I'm Mary Swanson." "Hi, Harry Dunne." " This is my stepmother Helen." "Harry Dunne." "A pleasure to meet you." "I saw you come in and was hoping to meet you." "You were?" " That tuxedo is fabulous." "I love a man with a sense of humor." "So does Mary." "Really?" "About my friend..." "When you doing tomorrow?" "Mary wants to hit the slopes." "She what?" "Helen, you're embarrassing me." " Well, you are." "After all, the snow will be gone in a couple of weeks... this may be a last chance." "The poor thing never gets out." "What do you say, Mr Dunne?" "Are you available?" "I don't know, my friend..." " Forget about your friend." "I think you kids'lI have a great time." " Well, I don't know." "Sure, what time?" "How come you didn't bring her over?" "Relax, you're golden." "You have a date with her tomorrow." "I love you, man." "Okay, you're kissing me." "This calls for a little of the bubbly." "You're going to be my best man here, I promise." "You've earned yourself a seat at the head table, pal." "We already got the tuxes." "Well, this party really died." "Maybe it was a coincidence." ""Maybe it was a coincidence"." "It was a message, Shay." "We killed their bird, they killed one of ours." "How can anybody whack a bird with a cork?" "These guys aren't just anybody." "They're good." "Hey, coming." "Thank you." "Ma'am..." "Beautiful outfit, sir." "Here you go." "How you doing?" "We don't open for 45 minutes." "I'm meeting somebody." "Mind if I wait at the bar?" "Come on in." "It's a beautiful day, huh?" " Yes, and a wonderful time." "Thank you." "God, it feels so good to get up here." "I haven't been outside much." " Oh yeah?" "Why not?" "There's been some family problems." "I don't want to bore you with those." " Thanks." "Look, frost." "Harry?" "Are you okay?" " I do it all the time." "Hi there." "Say, kids... d'you have a cup of warm water?" "Wxcuse me, is it 10 a. m. yet?" "It's one." "That's what I have too." "I thought maybe it was fast." "She's running late?" " Just a couple of hours." "You know girls... when they're excited about something... everything has to be perfect." "This one's on me." "Yippie..." "A Chablis please." "Hello." "A bad day, huh?" "Me too." "Wverything is being bad since I broke up with my boyfriend." "My God." "You poor guy." "Does it hurt?" "I'm fine." "I shaved a sheet for you." "Listen, this is silly." "Let me help you." "It'll only hurt for moment." "Ready?" "I said to myself: run before this man kills you both." "You know what the klutz did?" " No, and I don't care." "He came home one night dead drunk and wanted to fix the sink." "Anyway." "Let's talk about you." "How come you're here?" "Bartender." "You wouldn't happen to know Mary Swanson?" "Mary Swanson?" "She comes in here all the time." "What's that supposed to mean?" " She has dinner here." "I'm sorry." "You know where she lives?" "Her family has the big place up on Alpine Drive." "Alpine Drive?" "Big place?" "No way..." "That's great." "We landed on the moon!" "Today was just what I needed." "Thanks a lot, Harry." "It was my pleasure, Mary." "You'll pick me up tonight at 7.45?" " I've got a few things to take care of." "Why don't we make it 1/4 to 8?" " Stop it!" "Okay, 7.45." "Bye..." "It doesn't make a sense." "She told me ten o'clock sharp." "You went to the right bar?" " Oh yeah." "I'm pretty sure." "Lobby bar... in the lobby." "Maybe she just had a change of heart." "That really pisses me off." "I hate when women do that." "She wanted to see you again." "And now no?" "Wait a minute!" "She must've meant ten o'clock at night." "D'you think?" " Why would she meet in a bar at 10 am?" "I figured she was a raging alcoholic." "And all this time I be going through such pain and anguish." "Such hell, for nothing!" "That's funny." "That's good stuff." "Listen..." "looks like your night's planned, so I'll catch a flick." "Ten in the morning!" "Hey Harry, old buddy..." "Join me in a good luck toast before you head out?" "Fine, whatever will help your chances." "Yes siree..." "You know why I like you, Harry?" "And you're a regular guy." "That's why I want you to stay regular." "One half teaspoon for fast effective relief." "To my friend Harry." "The match-maker." "Get out of here." "Hi, the door's open, come upstairs." "Make yourself at home." "I'm almost ready, one minute." "Sounds good..." "Harry, are you in there?" "Be right out." "I hope you weren't using the toilet, it's broken." "The toilet doesn't flush." "I was just shaving." " Shaving?" "I was running little late and wanted to save time." "Okay, I'll be in the kitchen when you're ready." "Tomorrow in A Current Affair: in the home of the Menendez Brothers' attorney." "Will be back in a minute with the heartbreaking story... of the blind Rhode Island boy duped into buying a dead parakeet." "I just thought he was real quiet." "Who are these sick people?" "Hi..." "Remember me?" "Not really." "Providence." "I drove you to the airport last week." " My God..." "Lloyd, right?" " You remember my name!" "What are you doing in Aspen?" " I brought you your briefcase." "You left it at the airport, you goof." "You have my briefcase?" "I have it at my hotel." "Jump on the bike, we'll go get it." "Unless... you're busy." "No, you just wait right here." "Come on, flush, you bastard." "Harry, what are you doing in there?" "I'm cleaning my teeth." "Something important came up, I've got to run out." "It's an emergency." "I'll explain later." "Race you to the top." "I won." "Look familiar?" " I don't believe it." "You have it." "When Lloyd Christmas drives a woman to the airport, she gets all her luggage." "That's my whole philosophy." " lncredible." "You drove 2000 miles just for me?" "I didn't really have a lot to do." "And I know how frustrating it can be to lose a bag." "That is so sweet, Lloyd." "Look Mary this may seem sudden, but I've given it a lot of thought." "I've been waiting for you my whole life and I'm not ashamed to admit it." "Please... let me finish." "I'm crazy about you." "I've never felt this way about anyone." "What is it with me..." "I feel like a schoolboy." "A schoolboy who wants to make sweet love to you." "I thought I heard you talking to someone." "Mary..." "I desperately want to make love to a schoolboy." "Maybe I should be going." " No..." "That's not what I meant." "What I meant was..." "I like you, Mary." "I like you a lot." "I want to ask you a question." "Straight out." "And I want you to give me an honest answer." "What do you think the chances are... that a guy like you and a girl like me... ending up together?" " That's difficult to say." "We really don't..." " Hit me with it." "Give it to me straight." "I came a long way just see you, Mary." "Level with me." "What are my chances?" "Not good." "You mean not good;" "like one out of a hundred?" "I'd say more like one out of a million." "So you're telling me there's a chance?" "I read you." "Hi, we have plenty of towels." " Nicolas, what are you doing here?" "I've been looking for you, Mary." "I have news about your husband." "Husband?" "Wait a minute..." "What was all that one in a million talk?" "Aren't you going to invite me in?" "Hey Harry, you never called?" "What are you doing here?" "Wxcuse me, gunman." "Who are you?" "Don't play dumb with me, asshole." "The rightful owner of that briefcase." "Nicolas, my family trusted you." " Shut up!" "Listen, Mr Samsonite... about the briefcase." "Harry and I intend to reimburse you." "Open it up." "Go ahead." "Do what he says." "Hurry." "Was is this?" "Where's all the money?" "That's as good as money." "Those are lOUs." "Go ahead." "Add it up." "It's all accounted for." "Look..." "See this?" "That's a car. 275 thou..." "Might want to hang on to that one." "You're a dead man." "You're a dead man!" "Lloyd, I'm home." "We've got have a talk." "I've got a confession to make." "Oh good, you found her." "I'll leave you two alone." "No, stay." "Yes, I'd like a one-way ticket to Amsterdam as soon as possible." "How do you guys know each other?" "We used to be best friends." " Until he turned into a backstabber." "Me a backstabber?" "You got a lot of nerve." "You knew I was crazy about her." "You knew I was crazy about Fraida Felcher." "What do you mean?" " Don't deny it, Lloyd." "She told me the whole story, French tickler." "What time does that leave?" "I guess we both learned something about each other." "You said it, pal!" "Maybe we're not such good friends." "If one beautiful girl can rip us apart like this..." "Maybe our friendship isn't worth a damn." "Maybe we should call it quits right now." "You tell me where to sign." " Right on my ass." "Kiss it!" "You kiss mine!" "Both cheeks!" "Right here!" "Shut up!" "Which one of you losers wants to get it first." "Over here." "I was the one who got you into this mess." "Shoot me." "No, wait." "Me first." "I stole your girl." "I deserve it." "No you don't." " Yes I do." "No you don't." " Yesterday was a great day." "Mary and I went skiing, made a snowman, she touched my leg..." "Okay, kill him." "You killed my best friend, you bastard." "If it's any consolation, you're about to be reunited." "Harry, you're alive." "And you're a horrible shot." "Lucky me." " Police." "Don't anybody move." "Wverybody freeze." "Get those hands up." "Not you, dummy." "Special officer Beth Jordan, fbi." "Mr Dunne, thank you very much." "We couldn't have done it without you." "We've been following you guys all the way from Providence." "What's going on, Harry?" "Your name is Harry?" "She grabbed me in lobby and explained what was up." "Then they slapped this bulletproof vest on me and gave me a gun." "What if he shot you in the face?" "What if he shot me in the face?" " That's a risk we were willing to take." "How come I didn't get a gun?" "Did you get a gun?" "You were right Lloyd." "She was worth the trip." "Yet, she is great isn't she?" "I'm glad we could help her out." "Bobby." " Wasy." "I'm just a little sore." " Sorry..." "I missed you." "Honey, I want to introduce you to the kindest man I ever met." "Will you meet him?" " Sure." "He's got a gun." "I said: this is my husband Bobby." "Hi, Bobby." "I'm so happy for you." "Thank you." "Thank you both very much." "I owe you both a debt of gratitude." "I can't believe this, Lloyd." "First Mary dumps us, then the cops take our nest egg... then the car breaks down." " When will we catch a break?" "Hi guys, we're going on a national bikini tour... and we're looking for two boys to grease us up before each competition." "You are in luck." "There's a town three miles that way." "I'm sure you'll find some guys." "Okay, thanks." "You realize what you did?" "Wait!" "You must excuse my friend." "He's a little slow." "The town is back that way." "Wow..." "The two lucky guys will be with those girls for the next couple of months." "Don't worry, we'll catch our break to." "We've just got to keep our eyes open."