"LV!" "LV, will you shut that up?" "Come on, then." "Come on now!" "LV, cool it!" "Oi!" "Yeah, we're late, thanks to you and Tweetie Pie back there." " I wasn't worrying about work." "I'm worrying about Duane." " Duane?" "Aye." "There's a big race today." "They start off from France at 9:00." "Strong winds forecast." "Don't like winds, don't Duane." "Duane's a pigeon, right?" "Aye." "Where's the first call?" "Shipley Street." "Domestic installation." "I'm nearly done." "Ooh, I'll be wired up to the world soon, me... in touch with all parts." " Nearly done." " Goodly." "I spend me life and me fortune in them slot boxes." "Really, I do." "Ooh, but them uniforms are not very becoming'." "You look like you been chucked in a tool bag, you." "Put me right off, that has." "And I always liked a man in a uniform, me." " Oh, I bet you did." " Hey, watch it, sparks." "Sparkler." "Hey, speaking' of sparks, you don't know nothin' about electrickery, do ya?" "Only the wires of me home's cracklin' up on me." "No, no." "We're just phone boys, us." "He's quiet, isn't he?" " Is there anybody there?" "Or has he been disconnected?" "Been cut off?" "I've got a daughter like that." "Like one of them answering' thingies." "You can only leave messages, like." " Say hi, Bill." " Hello." " Bill?" " Hey, you're not the famous phone Bill, are ya?" "Eh, but look at you in that bag." "You ought to complain." "Good-lookin' on top and then that." " Clark Gable in a bag." "Or should I say "Clark Cable"?" "Ooh, eh, look at them two lookin' now." "Hey, this one doesn't speak neither, love." "You could go out, you two, for a silent night, holy night." "Or stop at home for a bleeding quiet night in." "Be a real riot, that would." "What did I say?" "What did I say?" "Eh, look at the red on him now." "Lookie." "Oh, dear." "Aye, you see, that's all you get when she's upset... crappaty records full-bloody blast." "Hey, you!" "Trash the calypso!" "Right." "We're all done." " I'll just ring through and test the line." " Oh!" "Oh, let me do it." "Let me." "Let me." "What's the number again?" "Oh, no." "Don't tell me." "I remember." "Start of the war, Bobby Moore." "Thirty-nine, sixty-six and me age, twenty-eight." "What are you laughin' at?" "Music." "Music ringin' in my bloody ears." "Hello, me." "Stupid, isn't it?" "Cooped up there in the dark all day, like a friggin' bird trapped in the rafters." "Hey, steady on." "Billy's fond of his birds." "Ah, well, I didn't think he looked like the shirt-liftin' type somehow." "No, feathered variety..." "pigeons and that." "What?" "Oh, frig me, no!" "I can't be doin' with that." "All that cooing' and flappin' and shitting' all over shop." "They want shooting', them." "The only good pigeons are in pies." "Right." "If you could just sign this, Mrs., er..." "Hoff." "Mari Hoff." "Crappaty name, isn't it?" "Me late husband Frank left it me." "You can imagine me feelin's on signing' marriage register..." "Mr. And Mrs. F. Hoff." "See ya." "Thanks very much, Mr. Cable." "See ya, then." "What's it like then, eh?" "To watch your master at work." "Did you not see her?" "Legs of jelly she had for me." "Husband dead and out the way and all, eh?" "Oh, bloody hell." "Here's me imaginin' all sorts of slap and tickle, and all you can dream about is bloody Duane." "LV, we out of bacon?" "Recent bacon, I mean." "Oh, come on, phone." "Ring." "Here, make me a cup of tea, LV, love." "Come on." "Look after me." "Hey, give us that paper, here." "Oh, take it back." "I don't like the front." "Oh, shove something on, something for me, LV, love." "Go on." "Slap some food about for me." "Go on." "What's that you're eatin', anyway?" "A brown envelope?" "What's on telly?" "Shouting]" " Oh, sod that." "Oh, sod this." "I'm off down the cafe, me." "I can't start the day without some dribbling' fat, can I?" "Eh, speaking' of which, I can call Sadie on me new instrument." "That will freak her flabby ass." "Eh, and listen, you." "If anyone phones before I return, you tell them I'll be back in five minutes, all right?" "All right?" "Are you receiving me?" "Ah, Sadie, it's me." "Aye, callin' long distance, me." "That I am, sexy." "Well and truly plugged in." "Eh, listen." "You, me, cafe, now." "Last one out door pays, all right?" "Okay." "Leg over and out." "Five minutes, tell 'em." "All right?" "Toodle-pip." "Fuck me." "Mention bacon and eggs and she shifts like Linford friggin' Christie!" " How are ya, sexy?" " Okay." "You look a bit on peckish side to me." "Move it." "You stick with me, son." "You'll learn a few tricks." "Reading matter." "That's the best one." "Next day or something..." "when hubby's out, you go back with the reading matter..." "leaflets and that." "Works every time." "Bedtime reading', I call it." "Bangers and bubble and a fuck hot tea, ta." "Twice." "Bangers, mash, fuck hot tea times two." "But, Sadie, what a night I had me last night, eh." "What a friggin' championship night!" "You should've seen me." "Queen for a night, I was." "You'll never guess who." "Ray Say." "Ray friggin' Say." "You know him." "He's agent to the stars... king of cabaret..." "manager of miracles." "He's down at Mr. Boo's nightclub all the time." " Has that slight look of Elvis about him." "You know him." "Everyone knows him." "And he knows everyone." "Eh, it was Mr. Boo himself introduced us the other night." " And two seconds, Sadie, I fib you not... two seconds and his hand's on me ass." "My ass." "My golden old ass in Ray Say's hand... while he stands there tellin' jokes to Mr. Boo." "Well, I saw him again last night." "Oh, the music was in our heads... in our heads and in his wandering' hands." "He'll make it in anything, Ray Say." "He's one of them lovable twat sorta types." " Drivin' me round in his lovable twat mobile." " He motored me round about a million miles an hour." "Me heart in me mouth, his hands up me skirt... and me mind on his meat and veg." "Listen." "Then it's down to the harbor for a pronto snog." "Oh, lip-lappin' like old hell." "But at least he knows how to slide and dart and take a throat." "And at least there's the thick wad of his wallet..." "Up against your tit for comfort." "Oh, up and down and down and up... and under the bloody stars." "Heaven it were, Sadie." "What's up with you lot?" "Never had a shag in a Chevy?" "Hiya." "F" " Forgot to leave your, er, reading matter... about services and all that." "Your phone's ringin'." "Would you like me to get it for ya?" "Hello..." "Dead." "Hey, you." "What's this, then..." "one of them rave thingies?" "Oh, stop it." "Me ears won't take it." "I thought you were done, you." "You suddenly remember a socket ya unplugged, eh?" "Telephone Bill." "Little birdie boy." "N" " No, I forgot to leave this, er, reading' matter." "It tells you..." "Did he ring, LV?" "Did he ding-a-ling?" "Eh?" "Oh, for fuck's sake, speak, girl." "We just... m-missed a call." "I can do 1-4-7-1." "It tells you who was ringin'." "It's one of the services mentioned i- i-i-in the reading' matter." " There you go." " Oh, it, it don't give a name, then?" "No." "I'm afraid we're not quite that advanced yet." "Ah, well, you'd best advance on out then, eh?" "Ta very much, but just... flap off." " Bloody hell, I don't even know who I'm ringing' here." "Hello?" "Boo's?" "You what?" "Oh, Mr. Boo's." "Oh, hello." "Um..." "Is Mr. Say there presently, please?" "It's Mari Hoff." "Ray Say." "Oh, hello, love." "Oh, just working, you know." "Giving Mr. Boo here a shufti at me clients." "Yeah." "Of course I do." "I'll see you at the Red Lion, okay?" "All right, love." "See ya." "Are you messin' with that Mari Hoff?" "Hoff and on." " More on than Hoff, I should imagine." " Excuse me!" "Are you watching this or what?" " She'll go far, this one." " Yeah, she will and all." " Scunthorpe, if she's lucky." " You're not interested?" " Good nipples." " Heating's off." "That's why." " Mine are the same." " All right, love." "Thank you." " You'll love this next one, Mr. Boo." "Singing combo... five lads all built like Buddha." " What are they called?" " Take Fat." " Hello, Billy, lad." " Arthur." "Hey, did you win?" "He's, er..." "He's not in yet." "Not in yet?" "That's not like your Duane." "Don't worry, Billy." " He'll be in before dark." " Aye." "I'll see you, Billy." "See ya, Arthur." "Right, you." "You got a fuckin' second to get in shape." "Perk, girl." "Perk!" "Aye." "Come in, Ray." "Come in." "Here he is..." "Mr. Ray Say." "Here it is." "Me home, me walls, me telly, me phone." " And me daughter." " How do you do?" "Ray." "Sun Ray." "Sting Ray." "Ray gun." "Me very own Ronnie Ray gun." "Oh, I'm just friggin' into him so!" "Well, say hello." "God, she's a misery." "A miserable bloody misery." " Whatcha having', Raymondo?" " What you got?" "Everything your throbbing' throat could desire, lover boy." "All right?" "Ta-da!" "I'll have..." "a cup of tea." "You what?" "You'll have a cup of tea!" "Hey, don't just go off like that, you rude..." " Leave her!" "She's all right!" " Hey!" "No, it's not all right." "She spoils everything, her." "I'm tryin' to make an impression and she can't even be swivel to a friend, the tiny little slit!" "Oh, what am I doin', and in front of you?" "Well, that's it." "I give up." "This is me crappaty home, and this is how I am, Ray." "No gracey airs, and if you don't like it, you can piss off out of it." "Hey, stay calm." "Don't get mad at me." "I" " I never said anything about anything." "Come on, then." "Let's roll about." "Oh!" "Here we go!" "On and on and friggin'..." " Cut that racket, girl!" " Calm down." "She's all right." "Oh, you, you little raver." "Don't!" "I'm not having this." "You can't bloody concentrate." "Cool it, will ya?" "Think of the fuckin' neighbors!" "Right." "Sod the bitch." "We'll have our own on." "Hey, you." "You've blown me fuse!" "Shh, shh!" " Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh." "Wha-Wha-What's that?" " She got her own radio up there?" " Eh?" "No." "That's her." "That's LV." "What?" " No." " Yeah." " No." " Yeah." " No." " Yes." " But I don't believe it." " Oh, God, Ray." "She plays records all the time." "Every God-sented sec." "They're stuck in her head and she can sing 'em and it gets on my wick." "End of story." "Now come on, Ray." "Let's roll." "Eh, come on, lover." "I'm mad for it here." "Shh!" "I'm listening." "Oh, sod it." "I'm off then." "Normal service resumed, eh?" "Bit of gray matter and a bit of gray matter." "All it takes." "Bit of nouse, bit of coat hanger, and, bingo, let there be light." "But you wanna get this lot seen to, you know." "Could bring the house down." "Hey." "So could you... with what you did last night, you know." "Bloody marvelous, that." "Who else you do?" "Don't go." "I'm just interested." "You know, what with me being in show business myself, like." "Didn't your mum tell you?" "No?" "Oh, well." "Never mind." "Er, let's plonk you down here, love, like the twinkling star that you are." "And let me rustle up one of Ray Say's famous breakfassays." "I do 'em for all me artists... when we're on foreign engagements, you know." "It's not all glamour, this game." "Fuckin' hell." " Marvelous..." "up there in the dark." "Something I'll never forget." "Fuck." "What do you say we continue our little conversation down the cafe, eh?" "No?" "What, and me all dressed up and no place to go?" "Certainly stripped to the waist." "There you go." "Best I can do." "Une tasse de the a la Ray." "Yeah?" "Go on, love." "Fire away." "In show business..." "I" " In show business, yes?" "In show business, did you ever meet..." "Shirley Bassey?" "Shirley?" "Dear old Shirley?" "Shirley, Shirley, Shirley." "To be honest, love, as I remember," "I don't think our paths ever crossed." "I did meet Des O'Connor, though, and Charlie Williams." "Freddie "Mr. Parrot Face" Davis?" "I suppose the biggest name I ever met was..." "Monroe." " Marilyn?" " Matt." "You remember him?" "The singing bus conductor." "No?" "You like Marilyn, yeah?" " Yeah." " Can you do her as well?" "Go on." "I bet you can." "Oh, well, there you go." "I have this thing about saxophone players." "I don't know what it is." "My spine turns to custard." "I get goose-pimply all over." "Frig me." "That's ama..." "That's amazing." "Christ!" "I don't believe that." "Listen, LV." "Listen." "You are my discovery." "I found you, right?" "Me." "Always remember that." "As a matter of fact, here." "Take one of me new cards." "I left it for you in case I missed you." "Look." "It's gold." "I wouldn't give one of these to just anyone, you know." "Now, look." "I know you're a bit on the quiet side, but I'm a big noise in these parts." "And together... you and me..." "we could set this place on fire." "You are a star, you." "You're a nutter." "No, it can't wait." "No." "All right." "Well, hold him there." "I'm coming down now." "Mari, you look..." "Don't speak for a minute." "I, I gotta go, Mari, but what can I tell ya?" "It's happened at last, eh?" "It's like at the races when you know you're on to a certainty, and you're feeling, "This is it. "" "She's the one." "I am the one?" "Give us another one, Ray!" "Honest, Mari, I, I can't believe it." "It's what I've been lookin' for for ages." "It's just one of those once-in-a-lifetime things, eh?" "I, I've never felt like this before... about anyone!" "I'll see you at the Seabirds later." " Yes!" " Bloody hell, Sadie." "The bastard wants me!" "Too bloody right, Sadie." "Get up there and get it on." "Our fave bloody rave!" "At last!" "Yes!" "Yes!" "I shall go to the ball!" "Oh, you darlings from the sky!" "Ooh!" "Oh, what a life life can be!" "Ooh!" "Ooh!" "Ooh!" " Mari!" " Oh!" "Oh, bloody hell." "What now?" "Er, I forgot to leave you this..." "reading matter." "I only ordered a phone, not a mobile bloody library." " What?" " Young birdie boy's already been and done all that." "Come on." "Off out of it." "Make way for a woman in lust." "Hey, you, you twat!" "What do you think you're bloody playing' at?" " F-Feedin'." " Feedin' my ass." "Screwin' around more like." "You come on all quiet... like you're only interested in these bloody things here." "But, really, you're a devious little bastard, aren't ya?" "You know what I'm on about." "Reading matter." "Ah, yes, you little bastard." "Though what you want to get your leg over that for I'll never know." "Old enough to be your bloody grandma." "Went to see the girl, George... the one with music." "What, her up..." "Oh, Jesus." " I thought..." " Just to talk to her, like." " Oh, aye?" " Yeah." " Thought she were... interestin'." " Interestin', like off her bloody rocker, you mean." "Didn't I say to you, though, Sadie, eh?" "I knew there was something down for us, me and red hot Ray." "I just had that feelin' in me twat bone." "Eh?" "And you know me." "I can predict rain with that." "I'm wearin' me share-price knickers tonight, down as likely as up, and some shit-tight bloody bra." "'Cause I'm one high razzamatazz in here today, me." "It's like there's a circus parade passing' over me paps!" " I'm just checking to see if your wires are all right." "I'm just seeing if your wires are all right." "I'm just seein' if your..." "If your wires are all right." " Do you go out much?" " No." "Are you a telly fan?" " No." " Goin' anywhere on your holidays?" "No." " There are no wires." " Eh?" "I finished work hours ago." "Oh, I don't know what to say now." "I'm Billy." "Can I ask you your name?" " LV." " Oh." "Does, does that stand for something?" " Little Voice." " Oh, on account of bein' soft-spoken, like." "Nice tune, that." ""My Heart Belongs To Daddy. "" "Oh." "Right." " Marilyn Monroe." " Oh, yeah." "Right." "Eh, your mom's a live wire, ain't she?" "Bloody hell!" "Not fond of pigeons neither, is she?" " Pigeons." " Aye." "I keep 'em, you know." " Homing pigeons." " Oh." "I love 'em." "I'm up Pigeon Hill all the time, where lofts are." " Feed and exercise twice a day." " Exercise?" "Aye." "You let 'em out, they fly around and come back." "That's what homing' pigeons do..." "except Duane, like." " Duane?" " Aye... me best bird." "Not back from France yet." "What's he doin' in France?" "He's comin' back here." "Oh." " Anyway, it can be boring to the nonenthusiast." " Oh, no." " N-No." "You're all right." " When you let 'em go... and see 'em fly, and better still, see 'em back, well, it's, it's dead exciting." "You'll have to come up there with me, LV." "See for yourself." "Oh, I, I don't go out." "What, never?" "I'd best go, Billy." "Bye." "I'll see you again somewhere then." "Eh?" "Talkin' to yourself and all?" " Now were you?" " No." "Aye, well, I'm off out on the razz." "You have a nice night in with your pals, eh?" "Bloody hell, where you been?" "I said 8:00." "Aye, but look at me, luvvy, eh?" "Takes time to get dressed up like this." "Arndale Centre weren't built in a day, you know." "Yeah, and with half as much plaster." " You smooth talker, you." " You know Mr. Boo, don't you, eh?" " This is Little Voice's mum." " Oh, aye." "Once-in-a-lifetime thing, Ray tells me." "Never felt like this before about anyone, he says." "Yeah, well, we'll get a few quick drinks down us, then it's back to your place for a, a listen." "A spot of "Who do you do?" For Mr. Boo, like." "What are you havin', love?" " Eh?" " Gin." "Double, and a Campari chaser." "Oh, God." "You make me sick, you lot." "First that little phone fart, and now you all drooling' over that little stick of shite." "I got tits and all, you know... and a gob on me for every occasion." "Tits, gob and an ass to die for, me!" " Good looker, eh, Boo?" " Just as well, with that mouth." "No." "The car, Boo." "The car." "Oh, aye." "Yeah." "Very nice." " Put her in the back." " I'm stoppin' here." "Get up, you." "Ray wants ya downstairs." " What for?" " You know what for." "You've got him thinking you can do something or something." "He wants you down anyway." "Show Mr. Boo what you can do." " It's private." " Private, my privates." "You're just damn selfish and useless, you." "And you can do nothin' but whisper and whine like your father before you." "Couple of bloody nothin's, the pair of ya." "Look at it." "Just a pile of old junk no fucker wants." " Now come on downstairs!" " Don't you dare touch these!" "Ever!" "Up yours, stick leg." " She'll not come down." " What?" "Well, it's just like I said." "She'll not sing." "I told you." "Dad." "Dad." "Dad." "Well, I'm sorry, Ray, but Boo's a busy man." "I've got to be off." "Got other acts to see." "Acts that can be bothered." "Night, all." "Boo!" "Boo!" "Hold on, Boo." "It won't take a minute." "Honest." "She's dead special." "Listen, Say." "I didn't get where I am today by wasting my time..." "By wasting my time listening to singers that don't sing." "All I can say is that she might stand an outside chance as a mime act." "Dad." "You know me, Boo." "I wouldn't bring you down here for nothing." "You've gotta..." "That's never her." " It is." " No." "Yeah." " No." " Yeah." " No!" " Yeah!" " Oh, here we go again." " That's Judy." " You got Judy Garland in there." " Oh, aye." "She's round here all the time... her and that Shirley Bassey drinking our bloody cocoa." "You have a remarkable daughter, Mrs. Hoff." " Aye, don't I bloody know." " Well, Ray." "We must have her, if you can arrange it." "There's the makings of a first-class act there... real class." " We could do a lot with that." " Right, Mari, love." "Me and Boo are off up the pub." "Talk finer details and finances." " Leave the latch off, eh?" " What about me then?" "Where do I fit in, eh?" "Need a fuckin' second-class act?" "Er, mine's, mine's a double Scotch, Boo." "I'll see you up there, eh?" "What are you saying, Mari?" "I'm tellin' you you're sittin' on a gold mine... not over a bloody rainbow, but up there in that bedroom." ""Dreams that you dare to dream," eh?" "She can make them come true." "She's our chance, Mari." "We've been shoveling shit long enough, you and me." "Now's our chance to step out of it." " Our chance?" " Oh, I'm going nowhere without you, girl." "Oh, Elvis breath." "Come on then." "Lead us to the dotted line." "Love, luvvy." "Don't worry." "It's only us... me and Ray." " Coming bearing good news, m'lady." " Stupendous news, actually." "Mr. Boo would like you to sing at his club on stage." " Sing what you like." " He'll pay." "Good money and all." " Could be up to 50 quid, right?" " Yeah, and that's just to start." " No!" " No?" "Listen." "Ray'll look after ya." "He knows all about showbiz, and all you have to do is sing." "Sing!" "Like what you do best anyway." " You might feel shy." " Oh, nothin' wrong with being shy at first." " It's natural, that." " Had a girl recently wouldn't say boo to a goose." " Now she's topping' the bill at the Reform Club." " Who's that?" "That stripper?" "Yeah." "Well, I mean, it's similar, innit?" "I mean, similar case, Tina." " Please go." " It's not healthy being cooped up here..." "Just go!" "Bloody hell." "That's gratitude for ya." "You great long streak of piss!" "You are bloody doin' it, girl!" "Come on." "You can do better than that." "So how you all doin'?" "The manager says, "Do you want that condom on your bill, sir?"" "And the duck says, "Certainly not." "What sort of duck do you think I am?"" "Hey, true story, this." "Two..." " All you've gotta do is stand here and sing." "Like at home." "Just... stay calm and relax." "What are you talkin' about, relax?" "Look at her!" "Think about..." "Judy." "Think about..." "Shirley." "Think about..." "Marilyn." "Anyway, on with the show, ladies and gentlemen." "As you know, Boo braves anything, goes anywhere in his perpetual quest... for fresh talent to spice up your midweek merriment here." "And guess which exotic part of the world I came across tonight's star turn?" "Shipley Street." "Well, it saves on travel expenses, don't it?" "Anyway, pretty people, enough of me." "A talent..." "an undiscovered treasure... an act of wonder, ladies and gentlemen." "A little girl that's big..." "a northern light... a rising star..." "Order and hush." "Hush and order... for the turn of turns..." "a- the one, a-the only..." "Little Voice, ladies and gentlemen!" "Little Voice!" "Go on." "You're on." "Go on." "Go on." "Go on." "Sing." "I'll do anything." "Just sing." "Sing, for fuck's sake." "Sing!" "The lights." "It's the lights." "Turn out the lights." "Get off!" "Do another one." "Go on." "Do some more." "More?" "Do you really want more?" "Oh, aren't you tired?" "Well, we've got, we've only got one more." "We-We'll do, we'll do, we'll do "Chicago. "" "What have you stopped for?" "Don't stop now." "Do anything." "Anything." "And, Jesus, look happy!" " This is crazy, Ray." "The punters can't see." "All right, then." "Get 'em back up." "Get the lights back up." "Thought things couldn't go downhill with you, Ray." "What am I gonna tell 'em?" "Tell 'em..." "she'll be back." "Embarrassin'." "One hundred bloody chunk embarrassing', that." "I'm shown up, which was more than she was, stood there in bloody dark." " He wasn't there." " And what was she singing?" "What the hell was that?" "She could've made an effort and done some Spice Girls or something, for Christ's sake!" "I told you you was wasting your time on the little slit!" "She did the whole thing to spite Mother." "I know her." "Oh... go on." "Drop her off." "Dump her home." "Let's go eat." "Now then." " Oh, Jesus." " Guess what." " I've just seen your bird." " Where?" "On stage, down at Boo's." "What?" "Oh, no." "Not Duane." "I meant the other one." "That lass." " Hello?" " LV?" " Hello." " Eh, listen." "I, I heard about what you did tonight." " At Boo's club." " They made me." " Who made you?" " Him and her." "They go on till you do." "They trying to make you do it again?" "Don't think she liked it." "Won't be doin' it no more." "Oh, but, Ray, it were crap awful, weren't it?" "Well, er, she's not what you'd call a performer." "I" " I'll grant you that, no." "But I can take care of that." "She just needs a, a big band or something to boost her confidence... er, a big, flashy set." "Bright lights, a bit of glitz, snazzy frocks." "All that." "I love it when you talk swanky." "Has, has Duane come home?" "No." "No, no." "Not yet." "Happens sometimes, once they're out." "Flyin' free." "They like it." "You should try it sometime, LV." "Oh, I've got to go." " I've, I've got to go." "Bye." " LV?" "What was she like?" "Well, if it's a roller-coaster of unbridled excitement you're after," "I reckon you're better off up here." "You're all right, love?" "It's only me." "Been workin' on the act..." "planning and that." "Got Boo to let us have another go." "I've worked it all out." "You'll love it..." "everything tailored to your personality." "All you've got to do is step on from the side." "What's up?" "Hey, angel." "You're not gonna let a little hiccup like tonight put you off, are you?" "That happens to the best of 'em, you know." "If you could ask her or her or her, they'd all tell you the same thing." "They've all had nights like that, you know." "Isn't that right, Judy?" ""It sure is, Mr. Say. " And what about you, Marilyn?" " "Too, too true, boo boo be doo. "" " Don't!" "Seriously, LV." "It'll never happen again." "Not with this." "It's foolproof." "Believe me." "Let's do it, eh?" "You won't even look at it?" "Well, never mind then, eh?" "Never mind." "That's it, then, eh?" "No problem." "Pas de problemo." "Got it nice here, haven't you?" "Clean and tidy." "That's nice." "All your records all around ya." "Your dad must have spent years building' up a collection like this." " He did." " Yeah." "I'm not one for collecting things meself." "Only debts." "I had an auntie once who was, though." "You'll never guess what she collected." "Go on." "Bluebirds." "Honest." "Wild bluebirds." "Flyin' all over her house." "Marvelous with 'em she was and all." "Even taught one of them to talk once." "Timid little thing, it was." "No bigger... than your thumb." "Too scared even to leave his cage." "But what she did was so simple." "All she did was keep it shaded and safe... at all times, and then sing to it and stroke it... very, very soft every day." "And after a while, it gave her his heart." "Later, when it grew strong, she set it free." "But before it flew to its freedom, it stopped..." "on the window ledge." "Then it turned to her... and, to her great surprise, sang." "See?" "There she goes." "True story, that." "Which are your dad's favorites?" "Them three there." "Oh, good." "You know what we'll..." " Oh, no." "No." " What?" "No." "Well, I, I, I was just thinking we, we could have included them, uh, in the, er, you know... the act." "But we're not doin' it now." "I bet your dad would have liked that, eh?" "A tribute to his life's loves." "One love, his songs, sung by his only other love... his daughter." "Huh?" "That would have really been something, eh?" "Yeah." "A shame." "'Cause the man and his music... they don't get much respect, do they?" "You know what I mean." " Ray." " Hmm?" "Nothin'." "Whoops." "There she goes again... the bluebird under the moon and over the stars." "I'll do it." "Do what?" "Oh, that." "Oh, okay." " Just once." " Yeah." "Whatever, whatever." "I'm pleased." "I'll just pop down and get me cigarillos." "Won't be a tic." "The overall effect I want, Frank, is like Las Vegas." "Plush up the bandstand, big musical notes..." "Up here on the stage..." "Hold on." "Thank you, lo..." "Come on!" "Bloody hell." "All right, all right." "This has come to a lot more than I thought, Frank." " There you go." " Thanks." " Right, Phil." " Yes, Mr. Hoskins." "Well, a man with a plan or what, eh?" "My Ray." "Worked it all out, he has." "Gonna take us all to Tarby-land." "I had me doubts about her doin' again at first, but, well, he won me over." "Try as I do, I cannot say no to that man." "What a tongue he has on him, eh, Sadie?" "Half raspberry, half razor." "Oh, I don't know, Sadie." "Maybe this once... that fucker fate's smilin' down on us, eh?" "Ohh." "Liquor, lacquer." "Liquor, lacquer." "Ow!" "Bloody hell!" "Oh, my God!" "I've blinded me god." "No, I'm all right." "I'm all right." "All right." "Here you are." "I've got you something." " Ow." " Oh, Raymondo!" "Lookie here, little sparkle-neck me." "See, Sadie?" "It's a love token." "That's right, isn't it, Ray?" "Someways I wish I could lash it 'round me finger." "You look stunning, Sadie." "We gonna have a dance down there later, eh?" "Go upstairs now, Sadie." "See if star turn's ready." "I can't wait, Mari, can you?" "I'm buzzing." "Fit to burst." "Big crowd, proper job." " I've even got a talent scout coming down." " Oh, give us your lips, you, and double me palpitations." " Fuck me." " Not now, Ray, we got a show to do." "Ha ha!" "Right." "Are we set, then, or what?" "Let me open that front door... the door that leads to success." "Welcome, welcome, welcome." "Yea, thrice welcome to Mr. Boo's." " Knock, knock." " Who's there?" " Boo." " Boo who?" "Don't be so fucking pathetic." "How are you all doing?" "All right?" "Come on!" "You can do better than that." "How are you all doing?" "All right?" "That's more like it." "Because we've pulled out all the stops for your Friday night frolickings!" "We haven't had a band in here this big since VE Day." "In fact, now that I look at 'em, it's the same band." "It's all right." "They know me." "We're in for a grand night tonight!" "So smack one hand against t'other, if you will, for the turn of turns return!" "The voice of a thousand stars." "The girl with the greats queuing up in her gullet!" "A- the one, a-the only Little Voice, ladies and gentlemen!" "Li-i-i-i... ttl-l-l-le..." "Voi-oi-oi-oice!" "Yes!" "Who's on the phone?" " It's Bunny Morris." " Bunny Morris?" "That's right." "That's my fuckin' daughter!" " Well, a star is bloody born or what, eh?" "Guess who I just spoke to..." "only Bunny Morris." " Never!" " Who's Bunny Morris?" "The fixer." "Bunny "Mr. Starmaker" Morris." "Any new star you name, love, he got 'em started." "He puts 'em in all the big clubs and all the TV shows." "If he rates 'em, that's it." "Nobody says no to Bunny Morris, and neither did I." " He's only comin' here tomorrow night to see her." " No!" "Yeah, he is." "He's comin' here, honest." "I gotta pick him up at the Grand at 7:00." " Tomorrow?" "We're on tomorrow night and all?" " Yeah." "Aye, aye." "I've had to cancel Silverados and Gringo Hodges." " Had to." "They were going mad in here tonight." " "Once," we said." "When Bunny sees her, he'll do the same." "We'll never be off the telly." "MFI Friday, Letterman... he'll fix 'em all." ""Just once," we said." "Today this crap-house, tomorrow the bloody world." "Route bloody One..." "London, Leeds, Las Vegas." " Yee-haa!" " Just remember where you got your start... my crap-house, and you know what they say," ""Shouldn't shit on folk on way up, 'cause you're bound to meet 'em on way down. "" "Yeah, but we're not comin' down, Boo." "Up to the sky we're goin'." "Up to the bloody sky." "Here's to the rise of rise of Little Voice." "God!" "The little bird's bleated and died with all the shock." "It's all right, Mari." "She's just tired." "Bright lights and all that." "Blessed are the meek for they shall inherit the Earth." "But when, eh?" "When?" " Don't push her too hard." " She needs pushing." "That's the point." "I've seen a lot of big talent wasted in my time." "Don't come the fucking impresario with me." "You run a club that no one in their right mind wants to go to." "You tell jokes that no one in their right mind wants to laugh at." "You're a nothing, Boo." "It's me with the contacts now, me with the friends in the high places." "Remember that." "It's Ray who's the big shot." " Do you not want a ride home?" " Yeah." "I may not have friends in high places, Ray, but I've got 'em in the fuckin' used car business." "LV!" "I know you're there, LV." "You did it again, didn't you?" "And again, tonight, it says." "LV!" "LV, I'm worried." "Are you all right?" "Look, just don't let them do it to ya." "LV, I know you're there." "I just want..." "Duane?" "Hey, fuck off, Romeo!" "You want to see her?" "Then sod off down club and pay like everyone else." "Do without that sort of crap just before show, eh?" "When you need to be concentrating your mind." "Come on, love." "Enough of this." "You've not opened your beak all day to eat or to squeak." "And even you squeak from time to time, don't ya?" "Come on, love." "Squeak to me, eh?" "Duane." "Steady, steady." "Steady." "A long time since I've been dragged down the Northern clubs, Say." " Better be good." " Oh, yeah." "Great, eh?" "Come in." "Now, then, I'd thought you'd be showin' up here sooner or later." "You goin' in?" "Eh, don't know." "Hello." "You must be George's wife." "Wife?" "You bastard!" "Sorry, George." "Sorry." "For one not known for his over-usage of words, you don't half pick 'em, do ya?" " Spare ticket now if you want one." " Sorry." "No, she's not moved, Sadie, love." "But she's going to have to in a minute, otherwise she'll be going on like she is." "I bet that Judy Garland never went on stage in her bloody pajamas, so I don't know why she wants to." "Oh, Come on, LV, love, whatever it is that's buggin' ya, just let it stop, eh?" "Just for a few hours, 'cause, look, we're cutting things a bit fine now." "Ray'll be here in a minute and your mum's getting just a little bit fucking irate, all right?" "Ladies and gentlemen, will you welcome, please, on this night of all nights... the compare of all compares;" "the world's finest emcee;" "the funniest man ever to have been on television;" "the man the Northern Echo called "quite amusing";" "the chuckle bag himself:" "Your very ow-w-w-wn..." "Mi-i-i-ister Boo!" "Welcome to Mr. Boo's." "I'm Mr. Boo." " Don't shout my name too loud." "I'll think you don't like me." "How y'all doin'?" "All right?" "Come on." "You can do better than that." "How y'all doin'?" "All right?" " That's more like it." "Have we got some entertainment tonight." "I don't know." "Have we got some entertainment for 'em tonight?" "Of course we have." "And we all know what that entertainment is, don't we?" "Tonight, for the second consecutive night in a row, sees the return of young Little Voice." "Thank you." "Thank you." "Thank you." "But that's all in the future." "That's to look forward to." "Ray's going to kill me." "He's going to throttle me." "Then what'd you be like, eh, with me murdered?" "Oh, be up and about, then, I suppose." "Happy as a lark." "Oh, there be no bloody crooning' for your dead mum." "Oh, no." "Oh, no." "Oh, no!" "He's here!" "He's here!" "Jesus!" "Jesus!" "Oh, come on!" "LV, love, please." "Eh, do it for your mum, eh?" "Oh, do somethin' for me, for Christ's sake, instead of that lousy, dopey drip of a dead dad!" "Fuck!" "Darling." "All right, Mari?" "Okay?" "Bloody hell." "This is it, eh?" "Where's she then?" "LV, management is here." "Ray, love, there's, um... a bit of a..." "It's LV." "She's dead tired." "She's really..." "Aren't we all, love." "She'll be all right once she gets on there." "And now, ladies and gentlemen, it's time for our first act..." " five lads from Grimsby who have a history of touching assholes." "I said "our souls," madam." "The biggest thing in rock," "Take Fat!" " Could she not have this night off?" " This night off?" "What are you on about?" "Bunny Morris is there." "He's there now, waiting." "This night off?" "This night?" "This is the night, love!" "Fuck!" "Fuckin' house!" " But, Ray..." " Ray, Ray, Ray, what?" "Did you get her dress from the dry cleaners okay?" "Yeah?" "Sadie, love, you pick up the dress?" " Oh, no." "You forgot it." " I've been so busied with her, Ray." " Jesus Christ." " Hey!" "Watch me furniture, you!" " Furniture?" " Now, then, a novelty act... noveler than any I know." "So please give a big Mr. Boo welcome... to Brenda Bailey and her farmyard frolics." "Two things... that's all you had to do..." "get the dress and have her ready." "Oh, I know." "I'm sorry, darling." " But don't be crossy with your darling puss-puss." " Never mind all that crap." "Good boy." "Jump!" "Where's LV?" "Have you seen Ray Say or LV?" " No." " Christ." "Trigger, you better string it out a bit." " Do an extra five minutes." " I'll do it blindfolded." " Yeah." " Oh, no." " Sadie, give that a once-over with iron, eh?" " Okay." "What?" "She's not even dressed?" "We can't have this, Mari." "I'm gonna have to get someone else to look after her." "Ray, no." "What are you sayin'?" "Eh, you're too quiet to be me friend, you." "Fuck off!" "Eh, I'm doin' it now, Ray, love." "Yes, I am." "So a big welcome, please, to Wild Trigger Smith... and the lovely Elaine!" " Leave it!" "Aah!" " Oh!" " Fuckin' house!" " Ray!" " Aah!" "What?" "What?" " Kiss me, Ray." " Oh, give over." "We haven't got the time." " Eh, lover..." "Stop clinging, will ya?" "You're all over me all the time, like the bloody pox." "Don't spoil it, Raymondo." "We go so well together." "We go nowhere." "For a start, you're past it." "You're body's gone." "When your clothes go, I can't keep track of it." "It's all over the place." "There's no way that you're coming with me and her to better things." "No way, love." "LV!" "You got ten fucking seconds!" "I'm tired of getting the fuzzy end of the lollipop." "All you're doin' is gettin' in the way." "You were in the way the first night I heard her, and you're still in the way now." "Christ." "Do you think I don't have birds I go to?" "Don't you think it's like puttin' me face in flowers after you?" "You've had it, Mari." "For God's sake, wise up, woman, eh?" "Eh?" "And fuck off." "Elaine, are you still there?" " Get 'em off, Boo!" "You go on." "It's not right." " They're doin' fine." "Curtains!" " Ta." "Thank you." "Ta." "A big hand, ladies and gentlemen," "For Wild Trigger Smith... and the lovely, lucky Elaine!" "Sadie!" "What're you doin'?" "Here, get this on." "Come on." "I've had enough of you lot tonight." "Dress on now." "Move it, will ya?" "Hello, number one." " What's your name, where'd you come from?" " What?" "Hello, everybody." "This is Mrs..." "Norman..." "Maine." "Stop messin' about." "We're late." "So hurry before they shut the gate." " Save it for the punters." "I'm warnin' you, LV." "I know..." "I'll sing 'em all and we'll stay all night." "See what I mean?" "Not very bright." "But the villain only laughed!" " LV, come on." "Run, Toto, run!" "Stop it." " We're on our way together." " LV, why?" " I warned you..." "Shame on you!" "Never mind your teeth!" "Leave 'em out!" "Fuckin' house!" "Lions and tigers and bears." "Oh, my!" "Lions and tigers and bears!" "Oh, my!" "I'm frightened, Auntie Em!" "I'm frightened!" "Now we're cookin', aren't we?" "You hear about this chicken?" "He went into a library in Essex..." "No, uh..." "No, that weren't a chicken, was it?" "Uh..." " Uh..." "Oh, it's gone." "Boo!" "Bollocks!" "Boo!" "She's a redhead, my wife." "No hair, just a read head." " I love her terribly, I do." "That's what she says, anyway." "Listen, calm down, calm down." "She'll be along in a sec." "What did I tell ya?" "I said if you didn't laugh at my jokes, I'd sing." "That's what I said." "Well, Boo's a man of his word, I'm afraid." "Will you bear with me?" "Uh, anyway, as they say in the business, this, ladies and gentlemen, is me." "Ray!" "I had something..." "ladies and gentlemen." "I had something really special." "This is my room... and you're all here... and I'm not gonna leave here ever, ever again, because I love you all." "End?" "They never bloody started." "Bunny Morris." "Bunny "Starmaker" Morris." "Fuck off, ya jumped-up little prat." "Just as well, 'cause they always fuck it up for ya, don't they?" "Well, mine has." "That's because they can't fucking hack it." "Cheering]" " Ladies and gentlemen," " I had a dream." " There's no place like home." "There's no place like home." "There's no place like home." " When I think of what might've been, eh?" " There's no place like home." "Finished, fucking finished me." "What will I do, eh?" "What the fuck am I gonna do?" "There's no place like home." "There's no place like home." "LV!" "Over the fuckin' rainbow, eh?" "Good-fucking-bye!" "Okay." " LV!" "My baby!" " It's all right, love." "Everybody's out." "The adorable Mr. Ray Say, ladies and gentlemen, with a little song about his show business career... called, "It's Over. "" "So, how you all doin'?" "All right?" " There you go." " Oh." " Thanks, Billy." " Yeah, all right." "It's just old stuff from the van." "No, I mean, thanks for gettin' me out." "Oh, that's all right." " Hey, you should get out more often." " Heh!" "W" " Why did you want to come down here?" "My dad used to bring me here." "Listen to concerts." "LV, uh..." "There's people other than your dad who, well, other people who... who might think something of you, and, ah, other people who are, well, still alive." "Billy." "I've got to go." " Oh!" " LV?" "Didn't handle that very well." "What's happened here, then, little match girl?" "The little stick who wrecks everything." "I can't start again, can I, now?" "Who'd want me anyway, hmm?" "Who'd want me?" "Wait a minute." "What do you want, anyway?" "Oh, I know." "Your records." "Well, all salvage crap's out on back roof, LV, love." "Maybe they'll be there." "What's up?" "Cat got your tongue?" "Can you hear me now, Mother?" "My dad..." "You drove him as fast as you could to an early grave!" "With your men and your shouting... and your pals and your nights... and your nights and your nights... and your nights and your nights and your nights... of neglect!" "Ohh." "When he had his records on, he sparkled." "Not dazzling, like you, but with fine lights." "Fine lights." "He never spoke up to ya, 'cause you would never listen." "I never spoke up to ya," "Because I could never get a word in!" "Little Voice." "Me name's Laura." "Everything all right then?" "Fine." "Is that Duane?" " Aye." "Just about back to normal now, I reckon." " Yeah." "I think I know how he feels." "Do you want to give me an 'and?" "With exercise?" "Yeah." "All right." "Let's fly!" "Come on." "Let's go for a fly." " Shoo!" "Shoo, fly." "Fly." " Go on, up!" "Up you get." "Come on." "Come on."