"[ Whistle ]" "Move back!" "You'd better get on." "I shall miss my boat." "[ Driver ] Don't worry, sweetheart." "You'll catch the boat!" "[ Indistinct Chatter ]" "[ Man ] My invention picks up electrical impulses sent from a station on shore." "This furnishes power for the auxiliary propellers." "With them, we expect to achieve a speed of 65 knots per hour." "Thank you." "You have just heard Mr. Robert Hayes tell you how fast we will cross the ocean." "How fast is 65 knots?" "How do you do?" "[ Chuckle ] Um" "Sixty-five knots is approximately... miles." "Psst!" "Psst!" "I know you want to hear the voice... of that great radio announcer who will be in charge of our broadcasts." "Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Buzz Fielding!" "He didn't get here yet." "Oh, what'll I do?" "Anything, but go ahead and do it." "An imitation of a man playing a violin." "[ Ship Whistle ]" "Get him out of there." "Get him out of there." "Ladies and gentlemen, there seems to be some delay on our program." "Where is he?" "[ Radio ] If you'll have patience, you'll soon hear... the genial voice of your own announcer, Mr. Buzz Fielding." "[ Radio Off ] Yeah?" "That's what you think." "[ Man ] Buzz Fielding!" "Phooey!" "It's bad enough to be in jail." "He won't be on that program." "How do you know so much?" "Because I'm Buzz Fielding." "Is that so." "What are you doin' in alimony jail?" "I had trouble keeping a wife and the government on one salary." "Sorry to keep you waitin' out there." "That's all right." "Is this the one?" "It's been some time since I've seen him." "Yes, that's he." "Here's another one says she's your wife." "Hello, Buzzie boy." "I hope you're happy now that you've put me in this monkey cage... just because I missed a couple of installments." "Number three comin'up." "Hello, Buzz." "What is this, a convention?" "Obviously." "Oh, Mrs. Fielding, Mrs. Fielding and..." "uh, Mrs. Fielding." "[ Buzz ] One and two, Mrs. Fielding number three." "A mighty touching scene here." " You expecting' any more?" " No, I know when I've had enough." "Buzz, dear, if you'll just hand over the money," "I'm sure the, uh, girls will agree to let you out... so you can earn a lot more money for us." "But what money?" "Y'all got $50,000 in advance to put on the broadcast from the Gigantic." "Yeah, but that's not my money." "That's for the talent." " I won't touch a cent of it." " What did you bet it on?" "Bet?" "The nose of the Gigantic." "She's a cinch to beat the Colossal, and I got even money!" "I'm looking for Mrs. Fielding." "Everybody here is Mrs. Fielding but me." "The judge said he wanted to see Mrs. Fielding, so I guess you'll all have to come along." "Remember the last time we were in jail together?" "Our wedding night." "[ Chuckle ]" "Did you ever manage to find the marriage license?" "Gee, that was about the maddest house detective I ever saw." "There he is." "Buzz!" "Dorothy!" "You sure do all right." "Don't worry." "You'll be out." "I just paid your alimony." "With what?" "Your engagement ring?" "Dorothy, you're the most marvelous girl in the world!" "It almost makes me feel like crying." "I think I will." "It wasn't paid for." "Oh." "Excuse me, Mrs. Fielding." "You're wrong, for once." "But I can see how you picked up the habit." "You can come out." "Everything's been fixed." "No fooling?" "Sure fun havin' you here again, Mr. Fielding." "Don't think I haven't enjoyed it, because I haven't." "So long." "Don't miss the big broadcast from the Gigantic." "When you hear my theme song, the first bars will be for you." "33 1 / 3 percent." "What are you crabbing' about?" "Before y'all came along, Cleo and I split him 50-50." "And to think I used to own him 1 00% ." "Oh." "Pardon my curiosity, but where'd this money come from?" "She said she was just a friend." "She?" "Say, that's how we started!" "You started." "Say, girls, come see what I see." "Oh, just a friend!" "I can almost see the number four on her back." "I'm not going to take another cut!" "He can't chisel me down 25% ." "Come on, Cleo." "I'm coming, dear." "Everything depends upon you, my dear brother." "You're embarking for Europe immediately." "Everything is arranged." "Proceed at once to pier 1 3, where you will embark upon the Colossal." "Remember the name:" "Colossal." "The present holder of the Atlantic crossing record." "You will receive further instructions upon your arrival in Europe." "I wish you your usual luck." "Thank you." "And a hearty handclasp." "Have a good time." "Thanks." "I'll even go out of my way to have it." "But you must hurry, S.B." "I'm off, T.F." "I'm leaving everything in your hands." "Au revoir." "[ Chuckling ] I thought that hallway was awfully crowded." "Au revoir." "Where am I?" "Drat, drat, drat!" "[ Ringing ]" "[ Ring ]" "The mail, sir." "Oh, thank you." "Thank you." "Ah!" "A carte postale from Paris, from my friend Major Biggleswade." "[ Chuckling ]" "From Paris." "What won't they think of next?" "[ Chuckling ]" "Ah..." "destroy it at once." "Quite so." "Yes, indeed, sir." "Your brother, sir, S.B., seemed to be in quite a hurry, if I may say so." "I sent him off in a hurry." "He's got to catch the Colossal." "He only has a few moments." "Might I remind you, sir, the Colossal is not our boat." "Our boat is the Gigantic." "Ah, true, true." "The Colossal is our nearest rival." "But need I remind you that my brother, S.B., has been connected with every major disaster... since the sinking of the Merrimac?" "I have engaged suite 1 3 for him on the Colossal." "Very, very good, sir." "Then if anything happens, it won't be on our boat, sir." "You know who S.B. is-- S.B." "Ready... hup!" "Guess they want a speech." "My friends..." "I think I can call you friends." " These aren't soldiers, sir." " I was saying, my father, one of the great "immorals" of his ti" "Great immortals of his time" "[ Bugle ] What?" "How many, sir?" "Oh, glad you thought of it." "Fill her up." "Very good, sir." "Right to the brim." "How's your horn?" "Oh, I suppose-- Ah, don't be facetious." "You haven't much time to catch the Colossal, sir." "Nonsense!" "Plenty of time after a game of golf." "Yes, sir." "Here you are, sir." "Ah, thank you." "How much?" "That will be one cent, sir, and seven cents tax, making a grand total of eight cents." "Gas gone up again?" "Oh, yes, sir." "What with surtaxes, Social Security, unemployment, street bonds and old-age pensions, sir." "The gas is the same, but the taxes have gone up." "What are you doing there?" "Inflating your tires, sir." "How many pounds?" "Ah, fill her up." "Say, have you any spare parts for these things?" "Why, yes, sir." "Get me a new thumb, will you?" "I must watch the pressure." "I'll watch the pressure." "Go!" "Go, go, go, go!" "Go." "Watch the pressure." "No air was gonna hurt anything." "What are you up to now?" "I told you to watch that tire!" "I'm dreadfully sorry." "I'll have it fixed in five minutes." "Five minutes and I'm sailing on the Colossal ten minutes ago." "Drat!" "Drat, drat." "I'll sue ya." "Out of my way before I hit somebody." "[ Ship Whistle ]" "[ Ship Whistle ]" "Cast off your lines." "Cast off your lines." "Slow speed astern." "Slow speed astern." "Slow speed astern." "Come on, snails." "Get the lead outta there." "Too heavy." "Too light!" "That's too medium." "Let's see." "That's all right." "Tee it up... quick!" "Fore." "Stand clear, boy." "You're all teed up, sir." "Oh, thank you." "What do you mean, I'm all teed off?" "Don't be rude." "How far is this hole?" "420 yards, sir." "420 yards. 420 yards." "The wind against me." "Hand me that putter!" "Thank you." "Stand clear, boy." "Keep your eye on the ball." "Ahh... a lily!" "I was afraid I'd miss that." "Ah, thank you, George." "Here we go." "Gangway, boys!" "[ Honking ]" "Where's the ball?" "Sorry, sir." "Hasn't got here yet." "Ah, the wind's against me." "Here she comes now." "There she is." "Stand clear." "Keep your eye on the ball." "[ Ship Whistle ]" "There goes the Colossal, Mr. Bellows." "We got another 20 minutes." "It's a lily!" "That ball will run like a frightened fawn." "Look out, boys." "Get away!" "[ Honking ]" "Gangway!" "Gangway!" "Gangway, boys." "Here you are." "Gangway, you children of the fairway." "A lily!" "Driver!" "Driver!" "Driver, driver." "Driver!" "Ow!" "None of your liberties, you silly-looking capper!" "Pick up those lost balls." "You look more like Mickey Mouse than Mickey Mouse does himself." "You're a coot!" "A coot." "You understand?" "Yes, sir." "Ah, thank you." "Not to be confused with cootie." "Just a coot." "Not a good-looking coot, either." "An ordinary coot." "Common garden coot." "Stand clear." "Keep your eye on the ball." "A ringer!" "A ringer." "Stand clear!" "A weed-bound ball." "[ Ship Whistle ]" "Stand clear, boys." "We gotta catch that skiff." "Stand clear!" "[ Honking ]" "C'mon, Seabiscuit." "Gimme that 404 elephant gun." "C'mon, hand it to me." "Don't stand there." "[ Mumbling ]" "Fore!" "1 00% dynamite." "Hope I didn't hit anybody." "Oh." "Fore!" "Fore!" "Good morning, Larceny, uh..." "Larsen." "Had a bad time in that trap, didn't you, Mr. Bellows?" "Got out in one poke." "I thought it took you several." "I had a bad time killing a stubborn wombat." "Little beggars get into your shoe." "Good morning, Mr. Bellows." "Good morning, Goolkswankez." "How's your game?" "Oh... eighteen for nine holes." "Thirty-one." "You're holding the card upside down." "Nosey Parker." "It's coming to a pretty pass when a common caddy... tells a gentleman how to hold his card." "[ Bellows ] Ah, there's that tongue sandwich now." "How'd it get into there?" "Ladies and gentlemen, the greatest race of the age will soon be on." "Two giant greyhounds of the sea battling for the crossing record, and may this one..." "I mean, the best one, win." "Sis-boom-ba, rah, rah, rah." "All right, Mike." "Don't knock yourself out." "We will soon pass Ambrose Light where the race will officially begin." "Between you and me, the Gigantic can't lose." "With our new radio power, we'll skip to France... before you can say, "Jack Robinson." Jack Robinson." "Now, ladies and gentlemen, I want to introduce a man... who made a bubble into a musical career, Mr. Shep Fields." "Two years ago come next wash day," "Shep became the Columbus of the swing world by discovering rippling rhythm." "Here he is, Mr. Shep Fields in person, who will show you how rippling rhythm was born." "Okay, Shep, let her ripple." "[ Pop, pop, pop, pop pop, pop, pop, pop ]" "Hey!" "Do you call that music?" "Let me show ya." "[ Flute ]" "This little ripple had rhythm" "And the other little ripples had none" "All day through and all night too" "He kept on singing Boodle-de-doop, boodle-de-doop boodle-de-doop" "[ Whistle ]" "Now they say the kid's okay" "They love to play his boodle-de-doop, boodle-de-doop" "Boodle-de-doop boop" "Oh, my hat!" "Thank you." "It blew off." "It's a new hat." "I know it." "How?" "Old hats never blow off." "Well, thank you for your trouble." "I like catching hats!" "Some people like to go to fires." "Some raise tulips." "I love catching hats." "What do you do when there's no wind?" "I brood." "Oh!" "Aah!" "Whew!" "As long as we're gonna make this our life's work, we should know each other." " I'm Robert Hayes." " I'm Dorothy Wyndham." " How do you do?" " Very well at the moment." " What do you do when you're not chasing hats?" " I'm an inventor." " That radio power plant's mine." " Ohh!" "Oh ." "Well, girl loses hat, boy rescues hat." "Girl is grateful for hat." "Oh!" "Boy is grateful for wind." "[ Honking ]" "[ Honking ]" "Pitter!" "Patter!" "Putter!" "Ow!" "You keep your face clean." "Give me that " can't stay out" putter." "Quick!" "Hurry up!" "What's the matter with you?" "Stand clear." "Keep your eye on the ball." "She's in!" "She's out." "I've missed it." "Come, come." "Come, my little pilliwink." "Aha!" "She's in." "The only way to play it." "She made the round trip." "Ah, that reminds me." "I must send the little lady her alimony." "Fifty-seven!" "A new course record." "Are you going to keep the card, sir?" "Keep nothing." "No one ever doubts my word." "Keep the ball instead." "[ Ship Whistle ]" "What's that?" "You've missed the Colossal, sir." "Oh, that's what you think." "We're off, Pegasus!" "Thanks." "Gangway, eagles!" "[ Motor Rewing ]" "[ Honking ]" "[ Honking ] Honk, honk." "Must be the China Clipper." "C'mon on, boys." "[ Honking ]" "[ Ship Whistle ]" "Have I got double vision?" "Gangway!" "Colossal, ahoy!" "[ Honking ]" "Gangway!" "Colossal, ahoy!" "He can't land here." "He's going to put it down." "Clear the deck!" "Clear the decks." "[ Honking ]" "Take it easy, Pegasus." "Liable to have punctured one of the balloonies." "Don't you know better than to land here, you idiot?" "Quiet, pip-squeak." "Stand clear, folks, and keep your eye on the ball." "What's going on here?" "Evidently a telegram for me." "Hand it over." " I'm the captain." " I thought you were a messenger boy." "Who are you?" "My name is Bellows." "Oh, yes, Mr. Bellows." "I'm pleased to meet you." "You saw my hand." "Stop your twitting." "Where are we?" " We're just passing a bar." " Keep right on going." "We'll stop at the next one." "We're just approaching the light ship where the record run formally begins." "Ah... go down and open a case for me, will ya?" "Wipe the top of the bottle off." "[ Laughing ]" "Anything I can do for you?" "See?" "You've made the captain angry." "Too bad you can't show us that trick invention." "Who said I couldn't?" "This little squirt, Hayes." "Huh?" "He's tough." "He is, eh?" "Step up on those handlebars." "Tell him I'm tough too." "I can lick my weight in wildflowers." "Follow me." "But, Mr. Bellows-- Quiet, please." "This way, scums, eh... chums." "This is known as the chambre de electric... or the geegaw room." "Robert Hayes is the inventor, I understand." "What?" "Why, that lug stole the idea from me." "I muttered my plans one night whilst in the throes of delirium tremens" "Er, uh, old-fashioned stomachache." "Do you know anything about electricity?" "My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at state's prison." "What is this thing up here?" "Uh?" "Oh, that." "Yes." "It's a patent cigar cutter, I think." "Look out." "You've broken it." "Can you fix it?" "I'll fix it so that nobody else can." "This, gentlemen, is a, uh... still." "Put the mash in here and it comes out, uh" "If I knew where it comes out, I'd be there myself right now." "Yeah." "[ Shouting ]" "Stand clear, Mr. Bellows!" "Get back!" "I can't." "I'm caught." "Let go of your umbrella." "I can't do that either." "You nearly lost your life, sir." "My life matters but little." "Look at that umbrella, an impulsive gift from the Ranee of Giz." "Mr. Hayes, are you ready to turn on your electric power?" "Yes, sir." "I hope so." "Electricity, bah!" "Lock those doors!" "But, Mr. Bellows, I" "Don't "but'"me." "Who's the boss around here?" "Lock 'em, I tell you." "Lock 'em." "I heard what he said." "I'm terribly sorry." "Yeah." "Well, that's that." "[ Gunshot ]" "Full speed ahead." "Full speed ahead." "Gentlemen, the race is on." "Good luck, sir." "We'll need it." "We'll need it?" "Ha-ha." "Mr. Bellows absolutely refuses to let us use the radio power." "What?" "But we don't stand a chance without it!" "The ship was designed for it." "I know it, gentlemen." "It's Mr. Bellow's ship." "I can only obey orders." "The Colossal will beat us by half a day." "I'm aware of that, sir." "Ladies and gentlemen, I have a rare treat for you:" "a great Mexican singer, Tito Guizar." "All afternoon, I tossed and turned, trying to resist the temptation to come out here and say," ""What this country needs is a good five-cent Guizar with a band."" "Well, now I've said it..." "and I wish I hadn't." "Ladies and gentlemen, Tito Guizar." "[ Applause ]" "[ Laughter ]" "Señor Guizar?" "Señor Guizar?" "Señor Guizar, don't be mad." "I was only kidding." "[ Guitar ]" "Señor Guizar?" "Señor Guizar?" "Ay-ya-ya-ya-yi" "Ay-ya-ya-ya-yi la-la-la-la" "La-la-la" "La-la-la la-la-la" "Ah ah ah ah ah" "Ah ah ah ahhhh ah ah ah" "Ahh ahh ahh ahhhh" "Don't tell a secret to a rose" "I told a secret to a rose" "Just one that grew with those in a garden" "That night I saw my secret love" "Smile from her balcony above" "And I threw a rose" "From the garden" "But how on earth could I suppose" "That I would choose the very rose" "That knew my love for that señorita" "On her mantilla" "She wore it" "Till that rose fell apart" "And out dropped" "My heart" "Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen." "Now I like to sing for you a song that if I have to call it in my own Spanish," "I will say it..." "Por besar tus lindos ojos, yo no sé lo que daría." "Eres encantadora, lindísima." "Nada más seré para ti." "And in English you call it, "I love you."" "[ Laughter ]" "[ "Zuni Zuni" ]" "[ Singing In Spanish ]" "When do we turn on the machinery, Bob?" "We don't." "Mr. Bellows refuses to let me go near it." "Say that slow and strap me in." "Bellows can't do that." "Yes, he can." "He paid for it." "I only invented it." "Fifty thousand dollars!" "My bankroll." " My alimony!" " My rent!" " My poor Buzz." " Oh, my heart's right up in my mouth." "I hope you don't chip off any teeth." "If we could use your invention, do we have a chance to win?" "I'm positive, but Mr. Bellows won't let me get near it." "He doesn't have to know." " Turn it on without his okay?" " Shh." "Not so loud." "Fifty thousand dollars." "If we could just keep Bellows off the top deck, keep his mind on something else." "Grace, looks like a job for you." "Why throw me to that beagle-nosed bugle..." "bugle-nosed beagle?" "Because Mother Nature gave you a little finger men ache to be wrapped around." "I still don't think-- Darling, he owns this boat." "Owns it?" "Owns it." "Well, then I'll take some blocks along for his second childhood." "Look out!" "Here he comes!" "I beg your pardon, dear." "You were on the wrong side;" "should've blown your horn." "Why don't you look where you're going, steward?" "Call me stew for short." "I'm so sorry, Mr. Bellows." "I didn't recognize you in this bad light." "Everybody seems to see me in a bad light." "Didn't I meet you once at the chicken show in Cucamonga?" "I really don't think so." "You see, I'm a widow." "A widow." "Fine people, widows." "Had one of the greatest times of my life with a widow." "Escorted her through a brewery." "She got all "hopped up" about it." "Malt Brothers Brewing." "Would you do something for me?" "Uh-oh." "Here it comes." "I'm looking for the bar." "Oh-ha!" "Come with me!" "I know a shortcut." "[ Mr. Bellows ] Chum around with me." "You'll have a laugh on every other girl on the boat." "Or vice versa." "[ Laughing ] Excuse me, dear." "Did I leave an imprint?" "Did you find the trouble yet?" "Oh, hello." "No, not yet." "That's too bad." "Look what I brought you." "Bless your heart." "Say, where's Bellows?" "Don't worry." "Grace has that situation well under control." "Fine." "Sandwiches!" "Will you have one?" "No, thank you." "Mmm!" "These are swell." "Two." "Two?" "Mm-hmm." "One... two." "Thank you." "[ Humming ]" " Pretty?" " Who, me?" "No." "That song, idiot." "Oh." "I haven't heard it before." "You took the words right out of my heart" "And it was like a bolt from the blue" "You took the words right out of my heart" "What's the matter?" "There's not enough sugar." "Three?" "Mm-hmm." "Thank you." "I stood in a daze awhile" "For I felt that way too [ Humming ]" "The moment I saw you smile" "[ Together ] I had the words and you in my heart" "There wasn't room enough for the two" "You took the words right out of my heart" "And left only room for you" "Bum bum" "Do you believe in love at first sight?" "So do I. That is, I mean" "Well, if things weren't-- Oh, you know." "Yeah." "I know." "Say, Hayes." "Hayes." "How you doin'?" "I'm not, thank you." " Oh, hello, dear." " Hello." "Say, what gives out here anyway?" "Supper." "You want some?" "What a time to eat." "[ Buzz ] If Columbus had sailed on this boat, the Indians would still own America!" "Come, darling." "You've been in worse fixes than this." "Yeah, we have, haven't we?" "Sure." "We always managed to wiggle out somehow." "Remember that deputy sheriff without his pants?" "Of course." "And the time I-- This is no time to start remembering." "Go on and make your announcement." "You know, Cleo, we've had an awful lot of fun." "Yeah!" "Between fights." "Remind me to ask you sometime how we happened to get divorced." "Ladies and gentlemen, it isn't often that I have the privilege of introducing... such a distinguished artist as Madame Kirsten Flagstad, star of the Metropolitan Opera Company." "[ Applause ]" "Madame Flagstad has been acclaimed the world's greatest living soprano." "She will sing an aria from Richard Wagner's opera, The Valkyrie," ""Brunnhilde's Battle Cry."" "Mr. Wilfred Pelletier of the Metropolitan will conduct." "[ Singing In German ]" "[ Snoring ]" "Hello, hello, hello!" "Hello?" "Hello?" "I'm not here." "I'm asleep." "Aren't you awake yet?" "[ Gasp ]" "I don't know." "I haven't looked yet." "Now I am." "What's this thing?" "Invention." "Why don't you knock before you come in?" "Oh!" "Oh, yes." "Certainly." "[ Bellows ] Come in." "Now I'm out here!" "Stay out there." "Take a walk around the deck." "I can't!" "I'm in the bathroom." "Stay in the bathroom." "I'll bet you won't bite anybody else." "Whew." "Meet me down at the bar." "We'll drink breakfast together." "Thought you were on deck." "What are you doing here in the reading room?" "Reading." "Oh." "Here's some breakfast food." "[ Bellows ] What, no beer?" "[ Gargling ]" "You swallowed it!" "I know it." "I know it." "How are you feeling this morning?" "I feel like a June bride." "And how does a June bride feel?" "I wonder." "I wonder." "That tie shrunk." "Have you been wearing it?" "No." " May I come in, sir?" " You are in." "Captain's compliments, sir." "He'd like to see you on the bridge." "We've just received an S.O.S. from a sinking ship." "If we go to the rescue, it may cause us to lose the race." "How can I go to the rescue until I know where they are?" "First you tell me to do one thing, then another!" "Never mind what I tell you to do." "Do what I tell you." "We can't find their position." "I've got them on radio, but all they do is argue." "All I can make out is, "Oh, boy!"" "Switch that S.O.S. call to here." "[ Man ] Help!" "This is the yacht Hesperus the Fifth." "My brother's yacht." "We are sinking." "They're stinking." "They're drinking evidently." "The longitude.: 69 degrees, the Tropic of Capricorn, 45 degrees west." "Latitude.:38 degrees and 1 4 minutes north." "[ Woman ] Never mind the arithmetic." "Tell 'em where we are." "My daughter's own voice." "My little Jonah." "Mr. Brook, we're changing course." "Set lookouts." "A human life is at stake." "My daughter cannot be described as human." "Wherever she goes, disaster follows." "Have you any proof your daughter causes disasters?" "She's an unfortunate girl." "Seven years ago, she crashed an airplane in a mirror factory." "Broke 9,831 mirrors." "Point three, port, point five." "Point three, port, point five." "Point wherever you want to." "I'm going up here." "We are making a left turn." "Why didn't you say so?" "I'll put my hand out." "Go ahead, boys, we'll pass on the other side." "Heigh ho" "It's all black here." "Ah, move over to one side." "You in the habit of standing before a mariner... when he's looking through his barnacle-- monocle?" " Looks like a sea serpent." " That's what I thought." "Gimme that." "Just relax." "I saw it all the time." "Inhale." "You're going too fast." "Look!" "Look!" "A boat!" "We're saved!" "I told you my luck's changed." "We're saved!" "Yahoo!" "[ Yelling ] Never a dull moment." "Here they are, folks." "Martha Bellows and her shipwrecked party... are coming up the side of the Gigantic." "Martha's rescue by her father's ship proves even to us who can see him... that Mr. Bellows is almost human." "What a moment, for a father to snatch his daughter from the gripping jaws of death." "Why, hello, Pappy." "Where you been?" "Quiet, frog-mouth." "I'm on a secret mission." "Where'd you get the pickaninny?" "Oh, it's just a little thing I dreamed up." "Can't be your child." "It's got whiskers, and it smells like an old gum boot." "Miss Bellows, the Gigantic is honored to have rescued you." "Oh." "The captain doesn't know what boat he's on." "This is the Colossal." "[ Excited Chatter ]" "Quiet, scum!" "I know what boat I'm on." " But, Mr. Bellows, you can see for yourself." " The boat's all wrong." "Can't read that." "They put the letters on upside down." "I can assure you it's the Gigantic." "Great Caesar's goat-- ghost!" "T.F.'s own boat." "Throw her overboard before we sink." "But you can't throw your own daughter overboard." "Why not?" "Let the sharks protect themselves." "But, Daddy, you don't understand." "My seven years' bad luck's up." "I take no chances." "Don't look in that mirror!" "Don't look in the mirror, Martha." "And she broke 9,000 of'em!" "Hey, where've you been?" "Hey, boss, here are the records." "Oh, that's swell, Mike." "[ Laughter ]" "Hey, maybe we can glue 'em together." "Maybe we can glue 'em together." " Well, that's that." " Are you upset?" "What have I got to be upset about?" "I'm in the process of losing' $50,000... and a boat that would need a handicap against a lame sardine." "I go on the air in two minutes, and none of my performers will perform... because you talked out of turn." "All I said... was that you were losing $50,000 on the race." "And what did they say?" "They said you didn't have $50,000." "Oh, they did, eh?" "And what did you say?" "I stuck up for you." "I said you had more than $50,000: ten dollars of your own and their salaries." "And what d-- Their salaries!" "Oh, never mind." "Look, take this portable Mike... and go around the ship and see if you can pick up something from the passengers." "I'll vamp till you're ready." "Pick up the passengers?" "Y-- go away, go away." "Ladies and gentlemen, in just a few moments, we start our daily broadcast." "I want you folks to relax and have a good time." "We have quite a few jokes here on the program, uh, I think you'll enjoy." "There's one here about a little schoolboy... that used to take a big apple to the teacher, and now he takes the teacher to the Big Apple." "[ Audience Silent ]" "That's the first joke." "I thought you'd like" "[ Groaning ]" "Big Apple's a dance." "[ Snoring ]" "[ Whistling ]" "[ Snoring ]" "[ Whistling ]" "[ Snorting ]" "[ Whistles ]" "Let's try another one." "It seems there were two fliers in an airplane." "And one flier did a loop-to-loop, and the other flier fell out." "So the first flier looked down, and he said, "Pardon me."" "[ Southern Accent ] Pardon me." "Yeah, that's what he said." "Well, how do you do." "Could you please tell me where they have the entertainment?" "The entertainment?" "Yes." "You go right down the hall, and you m" "This is the entertainment." "This is where the broadcast takes place, right here." "Oh, well, I'm Honey Chile." "I'd like to help you out." "Well, I don't need much help, but, uh..." "what can you do?" "Well, I'd like to sing." "I want to be a singer in the worst way." "Mm-hmm." "Probably will be." "What kind of a voice have you got anyway?" "Yeah, but when I sing, I cry." "[ Imitating Southern Accent ] When you sing, you cry?" "Well, uh, why do you cry?" "'Cause I can't sing." "Oh, well, that's grand." "We won't bother with that then." "I have another little joke that I think you may" "But I want to sing "Way Down South in Dixie."" "You want to sing "Way Down South in Dixie"?" "What time's your bus leave?" "I want to sing it right now." "Well, you go ahead and sing." "Step right up." "I'll stand over here so they won't think I'm beating you." "[ Off-key ] Way down south in the land of cotton" "Old folks there are not forgotten" "Look away, look away look away, look away" "Go ahead." "We're still safe." "Oh I wish I was in Dixie So do I" "So you want to help me out." "Why did you decide on helping me out?" "Well, you see, I had a fight with my folks," " and I want to do somethin' to disgrace them." " [ Laughing ]" "Well, you probably came to the right guy." "I think this audience would appreciate something of a legitimate nature." "Do you do any dramatics?" "Oh, sure, I can handle that junk." "Oh, you do that legitimate trash, eh?" "You haven't got a piece of Claudette Colbert hanging around, do you?" "Oh, yes, I have a little playlet." "I play all the characters myself." "You play all the characters yourself." "I play all the characters myself." "Is there an echo in here?" "Well, what is that like?" "Well, I'll explain." "This is the villain, this is the heroine and this is the hero." "You play all those yourself." "Mm-hmm." "That's a nice, small cast." "Let's see that." "We'd like to see that." "Is that part of the play?" "Yeah, that's the curtain goin' up." "Heh, heh." "Ahem." "Come, pay the rent." "Come, pay the rent!" "But I can't pay the rent." "I can't pay the rent!" "Come, pay the rent." "Come, pay the rent!" "But I can't pay the rent." "I can't pay the rent!" "I'll pay the rent." "I'll pay the rent." "Whoo-hoo-hoo!" "[ Woman ] You took the words right out of my heart" "And it was like a bolt from the blue" "You took the words right out of my heart" "When you said I love you" "And then there's the one about the fellow that went to the dentist." "He only had a dollar, so they gave him buck teeth." "[ Audience Growling ]" "Please don't cry Ah, wait a minute." "Here it is." "For I felt that way too" "It's Dorothy Wyndham by remote control, caught unawares, and that's no joke." "The moment I saw you smile" "I had the words and you in my heart" "There wasn't room enough for the two" "You took the words right out of my heart" "And left only room for you" "[ Hayes' Voice ] There ought to be a law against songs like that." "[ Dorothy ] Why?" "It's not right." "Hearing you sing that is like reading love letters intended for someone else." "It's dreadful when a letter's sent to the right person by mistake." "But there's nothing we can do about it, Bob." "You mean Buzz?" "As I was saying, in the first 1 2 hours, we came this far." "Altogether, we've only come this far." "Another mile and you'd have cracked my skull." "You're the captain." "Why don't you do something about it?" "But, but, but, but" "You talk like a motorboat." "This situation calls for immediate action." "Gangway!" "Suffering sciatica!" "Where have you been?" "Why didn't you stick with me down in the bathroom?" "I wanted you to scrub my back." "I'll see you in perdition first." "Eventually, but right now, we've got to" " Come over on the bridge with me." "Give me that hat." "Here, hold this." "Hold that." "That's fine." "Come on now." "Here, I want to show you this chart." "Do you know anything about it?" "I know it backwards." "Your usual form." "Thank you very much." "See, we've been uphill up to now." "Once we get over the hump, we coast right down into Cherbourg." "What's this Rand McNally?" "Evidently an Irish possession." "Here's a snapshot of my little daughter Martha, taken at sea when she was a babe." "That's enough!" "Brother or no brother," "Wait a minute." "Wait a minute." "out you go!" "I've been attacked!" "Wait'll my lawyer sees this." "Wearin' magic perfume" "On her-- Surprise!" "How do you like my costume for the big dance number?" "Don't get in front of the mirror." "Don't you think... it fits my personality?" "Uh, yes, just barely." "I'm so cute, I bet they put my picture on the front page." "I'll never forget the last time you had your picture on the front page." "Your mouth was continued on page two." "Oh!" "Why did you cut yourself?" "Ah, I wanted to find out if I was anemic." "Oh." "Gee, I feel so wonderful." "What a" " What a form." "What a figure." "Oh!" "Well, uh-- I'm, I'm, I'm sorry." "Any mirror can just fall down and break." "Any, uh-- It wasn't my fault, was it?" "Quiet!" "No!" "It wasn't my fault!" "Oh, boy!" "Ah, here's where we make a couple of very dear friendships." "That is glass." "Ah, it's too clean." "Be very careful of that-- [ Cane Banging ]" "Look out." "How do you do." "Garcon!" "[ Waiter ] Yes, sir?" "Bring us two whiskey sodas." "Yes, sir." "Spoke to him in his native tongue." "Move over, dear." "That's all right." "I like that." "Oh, do you?" "That's fine." "Make it four whiskey sodas." "Don't put your hat on the table." "As I was saying, Yes?" "I was married to him for eight months." "I gave him the best years of my life." "Best years of her life." "I only wanted a million dollars." "Only a million." "He wouldn't give me a penny." "Where was your mother?" "Couldn't come that day, I suppose." "But he'll pay, and he'll pay through his nose." "Ha ha!" "Good." "They seem a bit snooty." "Very silly little girls." "They let it slip right through their fingers." "Well, we'll be going." "We'll see you later." "Is that a tomato he's eating, or is that his nose?" "Evidently, they're insulted." " You say anything to them?" " I never opened my mouth." "I've lost my hat." "There it is, up there." "Where?" "Ah." "I told you I lost it." "Oh." "Good-bye!" "Good-bye, dear." "There it goes." "Here, give me that." "You got a hat of your own." "What's the matter, darling?" "Hello, Cleo." "What's the matter?" "Little man had a busy day?" "This is no time for wisecracks, from you or anyone else." "$50,000." "Well, what's $50,000?" "Ahh, I'm goin' out and eat worms, with salt and pepper and stuff." "Oh, wait a minute." "Thank you." "Say, keep them coming, and give her the cherries, will you?" "Thanks for remembering." "Say, make that extra big so I can catch up with him." "You know, Buzz, I cleaned up an old trunk yesterday, and I found that green tie of yours, the one with the stripes." "Really?" "Uh-huh." "You know something, Buzz?" "What, dear?" "I kind of miss your singing in the bathtub." "Mm, good old bathtub." "Good old singing." "Thanks for the memory of rainy afternoons" "Swingy Harlem tunes" "Motor trips and burning lips and burning toast and prunes" "How lovely it was" "Thanks for the memory" "Of candlelight and wine castles on the Rhine" "The Parthenon And moments on the Hudson River line" "How lovely it was" "Many's the time that we feasted" "And many's the time that we fasted" "Oh well it was swell while it lasted" "We did have fun and no harm done" "So thanks for the memory of crap games on the floor" "Nights in Singapore" "You might've been a headache but you never were a bore" "I thank you so much" "Thanks for the memory of China's funny wall" "Transatlantic calls" "That weekend at Niagara when we hardly saw the falls" " How lovely that was." " Thank you." "Thanks for the memory of lunch from 1 2:00 to 4:00" "Sunburn at the shore" "That pair of gay pajamas that you bought and never wore" "Say, by the way, what did happen to those pajamas?" "Huh?" "Letters with sweet little secrets" "That couldn't be put in a day wire" "Too bad it all had to go haywire" "That's life, I guess" "I love..." "your dress" "Do you?" "It's pretty." "Thanks..." "For the memory" "Of faults that you forgave Rainbows on a wave" "And stockings in the basin when a fellow needs a shave" "I thank you so much" "Thanks for the memory" "Of gardens at Versailles" "And beef and kidney pie" "The night you worked and then came home with lipstick on your tie" "How lovely that was." "Huh?" "For the memory of lingerie with lace" "Yes and pilsner by the case" "And how I jumped the day you trumped my one and only ace" "How lou-- lovely that was" "We said good-bye with a highball" "Then I got as high as a steeple" "Did you?" "But we were intelligent people" "No tears, no fuss" "Hurray for us" "Strictly entre-nous Darling, how are you?" "And how are all the little dreams that never did come true" "Awfully glad I met you" "Cheerio and toodle-oo" "Thank you." "Thank you." "Oh, Buzz!" "Buzz!" "Darling." "I know." "I know, dear." "Now what does that mean?" "That means Robert Hayes' invention's a failure." "Oh, I wish I could be of some help." "Stumped by a short circuit." "Come on, Bob, it isn't hopeless, is it?" "No, no, it's not hopeless." "But that'll take a month to find." "By that time, the trip will be over and so will what I laughingly call my career." "Poor Bob." "Oh, excuse me." "I thought I was someplace else." "Well, so long." "Just remember where you left off." "Hey!" "Hey, come back here!" "Come on!" "There you go." "Do you mind if I sort of pass through?" "I thought this was a thing that went around the whole thing up there, and it came-- I just wan-- ooh!" "I, I guess I must've busted somethin', huh?" "Well, how much will it cost to have fixed?" "My dream girl!" "Eureka!" "Hey, I resent that." "My dream princess!" "Whoo!" "Your nose is cold." "What is it?" "The tip of Bellows' umbrella." " The short circuit I couldn't locate." " What's all the kissing' about?" "Don't you understand?" "You found the tip of the umbrella." "I, I" " Whoo!" "I'll be right back." "Where you going?" "I'm gonna get more umbrellas." "Boy, oh boy!" "Hey!" "[ Martha ] I'll be right back." "You think it'll start now?" "I don't know." "We can try." "Cross your fingers." "[ Hayes ] Oh, that's great!" "[ Dorothy ] Oh, Bob!" "Although I am a veritable tyro at the game," "I will make an exception in your case and make a small wager." "Right, sir." "Any amount?" "Ah, that's a bet." "Yes, but, uh, how much?" "Shall we say a pound?" "Make it a ton." "Ah, there's too much loft on that cue." "Go ahead." "You shoot." "Imagine a man wearing a roller towel for a hat." "Got a little soap in your pocket?" "Maybe you don't... use soap." "It's all right." "Go ahead." "Shoot." "Ah, ah, ah, ah!" "Ah, ah, ah, ah!" "Look here." "I think we ought to toss for it." "Oh, very well." "Head or tail?" "Um, head." "Tail." "Your break." "But I didn't see it." "Oh, I beg your pardon." "There." "Oh, yes, yes." "Well, you win." "Yeah." "Uh, just hold my coat a minute, will ya?" "Thank you." "It's my next shot." "Thanks." "Go ahead." "Don't put it down." "Got some valuable papers in the pocket." "Go ahead." "Shoot." "Very difficult for me." "Yeah." "Ah!" "Look out there." "[ Coughing ]" "Ah!" "Oh, I seem to have missed." "Yeah, I think you did." "Yes." "Now..." "And now it's my shot." "Don't shoot yet." "Wait a minute." "I haven't finished shooting yet." "I say, is the ship rolling slightly, or am I a little bit Bosky?" "Tell me, which pocket were you aiming for?" "Ah, ah, ah." "I'll tell you in a minute." "That's fine." "I played them all." "Here you are." "Let me get my cue." "Got a match?" "No." "Ah, hold that." "That's okay." "No, thank you." "Chocolate Sauce?" "Yes, please." "Where are you?" "Just behind you." "Stick around." "I don't want you to say I cheated afterwards." "Wait a minute now." "There she goes." "That's fine." "Now then." "[ Cue Stick Banging ]" "What this ship needs is shorter cues." "Wait a minute." "Don't go away." "Don't go away." "Stand right where you are." "Wait a minute." "Okay." "Side pocket, maybe." "Wait a minute." "I don't know which side yet." "[ Laughing ] Lucky shot." " Ripping." " Often wondered what that porthole was there for." "Fore!" "Look out!" "Aimed at the chocolate and got the vanilla." "Here, hold this." "You're doing nothing." "Thank you, beautiful." "Why, you silly old monkey, you." "Huh?" "Oh, he's all right if you know how to take him." "Ah, I was afraid you wouldn't be here." "Bring a wet towel next time." "Keep cool, dear." "I'll bring a wrap out for you in a minute." "I'll be back." "Just get another chair." "I'll sit down with you." "Finishing up a game of billiards here." "Don't put that down there!" "There are some very valuable papers in the pocket." "What sort of papers?" "Ah, cigarette papers." "Oh." "Yeah." "[ Banging ] Oop!" "Ha." "Unfortunate." "I say, I wonder what made it jump out." "I wonder, I wonder." "Wouldn't have been any good anyway." "You forgot to call your shot." "I say, see here." "You're making me look like a bally clotheshorse." "I feel so silly." "You don't look silly." "You don't think I'd trust every Tom, Dick and Harry... with my valuable papers." "Yeah, but my name's Harry." "Well, I would make an exception in Harry's case." "It's a draw shot." "Give me that hat." "You look like the two-headed boy in the circus." "Stand clear." "Now what have you done?" "How do you expect anyone to play pool... on a moth-eaten, torn table like that?" "Is there a lawyer on the ship?" "Come." "Oh, Scoop, darling." "Look at the moon." "Isn't it glorious?" "Yeah, it's a right fair sort of moon." "Ah." "A night like this does things to me." "A night like this?" "Yes, it's the magic of it all." "O Romeo, Romeo!" "I swear by yon inconstant moon, whose silvery beams besmears the lost horizon" ""Besmear the lost horizon." Yes, that's what I said:" "besmears." "That's what I thought." "Oh, won't you be my Romeo?" "Yeah, sure." "We will rehearse the death scene." "What is this strange power I'd like to have over you?" "[ Scream ] [ Stewards ] Yes, sir?" "Yes, sir?" "Yes, sir?" "I've been kissed by a tunnel." "Well, it's that thing, that" "I just can't help it." "We were fated for each other" "And in spite of your masculine charm" "You remind me of my mother" "I'm an innocent babe in your arms" "Your lips like wine Caress me, lover mine" "Tonight we live" "Little mother please forgive me" "Mama, oh mama" "That moon is here again" "That boy is near again and I'm just a girl" "Oh mama, dear mama" "I'm counting up to ten" "I always do that when my brain's in a whirl" "One, two, three, four five, six, seven, eight" "Whoo!" "I can't go on Neither can I." "My heart is gone Oh mama, dear mama" "Please don't wait up for me" "I'm glad I took the key that moon's here again" "Oh mama, dear mama that moon is here again" "That boy is gone again and I'm all alone" "Oh mama, hey mama" "Don't blame your angel child" "Ah, the moon has got me wild" "And I'm on my own" "One, two, three, four five, six, seven, eight" "Ready or not he shall be caught" "Ho-ho mama, dear mama" "I know you'll understand" "I'm only human and that moon's here again" "Mama, oh mama that moon is here again" "That boy is gone again" "And I'm all alone" "Oh mama, dear mama" "Don't blame your angel child" "That moon has got me wild and I'm on my own" "One, two, a-three-a a-four-a a-five-a, a-six-a, a-seven, a-eight" "Whoo!" "I can't go on" "Ohh." "Ah!" "Aw, gee whiz, kid, my jinx is up now!" "What's new, kid?" "Ma!" "Mama, oh mama" "That moon is here again" "Those boys are here again and I'm just a girl" "Mama, oh mama, don't let this" " Oop-- me now" "Say I could kiss a cow that's-- Oop!" "Ooh!" "Ooh!" "[ Boing ] Ooh." "Aw, gee whiz, kids, come on." "I'm tryin' to be friendly, that's all." "Ma!" "Oop!" "[ Laughing ] What's playing here, Satchel?" "Come on, break it up, will ya, fellas?" "I-I" " I'm a sweet kid." "Oh!" "One, two, three, four" "Five, six, seven, eight" "I can't go on" " Whoa!" "My heart is gone" "Oh mama, dear mama don't wait to see me now" "I'm glad I took-- Good night, all." "Hello, everybody... and folks." "You." "And I do mean you." "First comes our report of the big race with the S.S. Colossal." "Oh, I forgot." "We've stopped giving those." "Ah, ah, ah." "No, we haven't." "This is Buzz Fielding speaking, and I'm not going to say anything about the race... except that we're gaining with every turn of the turbines." "Oh!" "You have something?" "Oh, hold your breath, folks." "We-- [ Inhaling ]" "Say, we've just gained 200 miles on the Colossal." "If we can keep this up, why, we'll pass her before morning." "[ Cheering ]" "Two hundred miles!" "Isn't that marvelous?" "Boy, I tell you." "Boy, you get a certain satisfaction when you stick" " You gotta" "You g" " Oh!" "[ Fog Horn Blowing ]" "She played her cards right, and I gave her a diamond tiara." "You know, Mr. Bellows, there's something awfully big about you." "Oh, thank you." "Thank" "Uh, thank you." "After you, dear." "Oh, thank you." "The door sticks there." "[ Fog Horn Blowing ]" "Stand by to reduce speed." "Fog's so thick you can't see your hand in front of ya." "What's the matter with your hand?" "Nothing." "What do you want to look at it for?" "Full speed ahead." "As captain of this ship-- You're fired." "You can't discharge me in mid-ocean." "I can kick ya in mid-ocean." "Mr. Bellows!" "There are icebergs in these waters and other ships." "We must reduce speed." "If you'll step into the chart room," "I'll prove it to you." "After you, dear Captain." "After you, dear Captain." "Why, thank you." "Show that to your lawyer." "I got rid of him." "How many feet has he got?" "Kicked an officer with his cap on." "That's mutiny." "Come with me, dear." "We'll go up the poop deck." " Mr. Bellows!" " Ahoy, boy!" "Step on that gas." "Sorry, sir, but this is a diesel." "Step on the steam." "Step on the diesel." "Don't answer me back." "I'll crack your skull with a belaying pin." "Why, Mr. Billows!" "Ah, Bellows is the name, dear." "Yes." "What's the matter with this thing?" "It won't work." "I put a dollar and a quarter in here this morning and only got a nickel out." "What number you playing?" "Maybe that's the catch." "I'll just" " Mutiny!" "Is my lawyer in the house?" "$40 million and a ten-cent-store ax!" "Oh, popsicle!" "An iceberg!" "[ Bellows ] Pretty thing, isn't it?" "But there are two of them!" "Ah, they breed like rats." "Wait'll you see me go right in between these two without scratching a fender." "[ Screams ] Huh?" "I beg your pardon." "I didn't hear you, dear." "Where's she gone?" "Probably fell overboard." "Watch this one." "Look out, fellas." "[ Fog Horn Blowing ] Look." "I'll work it with my feet." "Ought to put lights on those things." "It's awfully dangerous." "Let go there." "Would you go or not?" "Just think, ladies and gentlemen, we're skimming over the water at the amazing rate of a hundred miles an hour." "What a world of speed we live in." "Everything's been speeded up," "What a world of speed we live in." "Everything's been speeded up, everything except the waltz." "Dances come and dances go, but whether slow or hot, very soon the latest dance..." "Is deader than the turkey trot" "But if any of you were alive in 1 7 85" "You remember how people were shocked and aghast" "At a thing called the waltz" "It was too, too risque." "The papers predicted it never would last" "But it's here today" "And here to stay" "Years go by the waltz lives on" "You and I could dance till dawn" "Then we part but in my heart" "The waltz lives on" "Lovers never weary of" "Waltzing while a moon's above" "For it's still the song of love" "The waltz lives on" "[ Music Changes Tempo ]" "It's too old-fashioned do the polka, do the polka" "[ Music Slows ]" "Dances come and dances go" "But the waltz lives on" "[ Music Builds To Can-Can ]" "[ Tempo Slows ]" "Lovers never weary of" "Waltzing while a moon's above" "For it's still the song of love" "Rhythm, rhythm rhythm, rhythm, rhythm" "[ Cakewalk ]" "[ Charleston ]" "[ Tempo Slows ]" "[ Trumpets ]" "A dance to do up there in Harlem so" "Someone started truckin'" "[ Scatting ] Do-bop-da 'n da 'n da-day" "As soon as the news got round" "Folks downtown came up to Harlem saw" "E-E-Everybody truckin' oh" "It didn't take long before" "[ Scatting ] Do-bop-la chi-da-dida chip chip chi-da-dida" "Over town you'll see them scufflin' and trucking' along" "Whoa, spread like a forest blaze" "Became a craze thanks to Harlem now" "E-E-Everybody's truckin'" "[ Tempo Slows ]" "[ Piano ]" "Years go by" "The waltz lives on" "You and I could dance till dawn" "Then we part but in my heart" "The waltz lives on" "Lovers never weary of" "Waltzing while a moon's above" "For it's still the song of love" "The waltz lives on" "Lovers never weary of" "Dancing while a moon's above" "For it's still the song of love" "The waltz lives on" "[ Finale ]" "Well, I never expected to see this day dawn." "You're not seeing much of it at that." "[ Banging ]" "What's that noise anyway?" "Roaches." "Been keeping me awake all night." "The boat's full of'em." "Ten baby fingers and ten baby toes" "A mother 'tis a five-cent friend after all" "We're finally through, sir." "Oh, good." "[ Indistinct Singing ]" "Have to know how Eh?" "Drat that whale." "[ Bell Ringing ]" "It's been blowing its nose in my face all night." "What are you doing?" "Let go!" "Land ho!" "It's Cherbourg, sir." "Cherbourg!" "Ah!" "Where'd you want to go?" "Cherbourg, of course." "Here we are." "What are you kicking about?" "[ Officer ] There's the Colossal ahead, sir." "And by the grace of Bellows'guardian angel." "If I'd listened to you, we'd have probably landed in Lake Titicaca." "Why don't you smile, darling?" "You have everything you want." "The boat's winning..." "money." "Yes, everything but you." "And that's everything." "But, darling, you weren't afraid to ask me before." "Hooray!" "Hooray!" "Bob, darling, he doesn't want me." "He wants Cleo!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "[ Cheering ]" "Vive la France!" "[ Shouting ]" "Oh!" "All right." "Fine." "Fine." "[ Ship's Horn Blowing ]"