" Hey, Bobbie." " Oh, there's my star." "Here's the schedule and the VIP passes for your big movie premiere tonight." " You excited?" " Are you kidding me?" "I am so worked up about this." "Today I woke up at noon." " So you're coming tonight, right?" " Oh, absolutely." "And I even got a gorgeous new dress for the occasion." "Look, it's a Dolce  Gabbana." "And it costs more than what Gina makes in a year." " Do you think she heard that?" " Yeah, I heard it." "Good." "Oh, I've been on this horrible liquid diet all week just so I can fit into that thing." "You haven't had anything solid to eat in a week?" "Basically." "Although, I do allow myself one cookie per day." "It's the only way I can get through this thing." "Oh, if those little Girl Scouts knew the things I'm about to do to you." " Who're you bringing to the premiere?" " I'm bringing my family, my friend, Alex." "And my dad's coming out for it." " What a good son." " Yeah, and I'm flying him out first class." "The ticket cost more than Gina makes in a month." "It's not funny, I don't even get benefits." "Oh, I am so excited for you." "Tonight is gonna be a great night." "Oh, thanks, Bobbie." "No!" "No, no, spit that out!" "No." "Spit it out." "Fine." "What are you even gonna do with that?" "I'm gonna have to ask you to leave the room." " Hey, Joey." " Hey." " I spoke to Dean earlier..." " Good old Dean." "He's been sending me presents while traveling and I haven't gotten any of them." "Has anything been delivered here by mistake?" "I was wondering why Dean sent me chocolates and flowers and that skimpy silk robe." "I'll go get it for you." "By the way, the robe came stretched out with Buffalo wing sauce on it." "Alex, this is my dad, Joey Tribbiani Sr. Dad, this is my friend Alex." " Hi, Mr. Tribbiani." " Hey, how are you?" " Did you have a good trip?" " Oh, it was great especially the ride home with my beautiful Gina." "And she passed on the family good looks to this one." " I bet you make the girls crazy." " They do tend to get agitated around me." "Yeah, I couldn't sleep on the plane waiting to see these two." "You must be so proud of Joey and all the things happening in his career." "Career?" "A career is a policeman or a plumber not starring in Vampire Lust Three wearing full body makeup or faking intercourse in a castle." "Come on, Grandpa." "You'll be staying in my room, okay?" "Hey, what's wrong with your dad?" "Does he got a problem with Joey?" "I don't know what's going on." "Every time Joey's name comes up he gets all grumpy." "Well, that's not right." "This is a huge night for Joey." "He flew him out here." "It's just like my mom when I graduated from law school." " Three seconds." " What?" "Three seconds before you made it about you." "Well, I'm sorry, but I feel bad for Joey." "Your dad should be really proud of him." "It's not that bad." "Joey doesn't even realize my dad's being this way." "How?" "It's so obvious." "None of us point it out to him." "Joey hears what he wants to hear." "Oh, boy, so where is Mr. Big Shot?" "Doesn't he know I'm here?" "Dad, Joey is not a big shot." "He's still the same regular guy he always was." "All right, Alex, here's all your stuff..." "Hey, Dad's here." " Good to see you." "You look good." " Yeah, you too." "Hey, check this out." "VIP passes for the premiere tonight." " It's all access and it'll be a nice memento." " Just what I wanted." "My dream has come true." "I get to wear matching necklaces with my son." "I know." "What do you wanna do?" "Michael and I were gonna go to Sunset Boulevard." "They put up a huge billboard with my face on it." " You wanna go check it out?" " I think what I wanna do is take a nap." "He gets so excited, it wears him out." "No, actually I'm just tired." "Tired of being so proud of me." "Sleep well, proud dad." "How cool is this?" "I'm gigantic." "The movie's rated R. For language, violence and strong sexual content." "Guilty." " Joey Tribbiani." " Carmen Electra?" "Oh, my God." "Hey." "Wow, how've you been?" " I haven't seen you..." " Since your dressing room?" "When you became the first man to ever turn me down." "Yeah, if I could go back in history and change one thing that is what it would be." " Really?" "You wouldn't have..." " Nope." "Whatever you say, not interested." "You know, we should get together, make up for lost time." " What about tonight, are you free?" " I can't tonight." " I got the premiere of my movie." " Maybe you could come over after." " We were actually..." " Go." "Okay, I will be there." "Is that you on that billboard up there?" " Yeah." " That's so cool." "Our billboards are gonna be next to each other." " You have one too?" " Yeah, I'm here doing this unveiling thing." " Carmen, it's time." " All right, I'll see you later." "Come on, come on." "Oh, my God." "She's practically naked." "What is she even selling?" "Because I really wanna give someone money for this." "This is a disaster." "No one's even gonna look at my billboard." "Come on, Michael, we're leaving." "Are we in the car yet?" " Hello?" " Hey, Bobbie, it's me." "Joey, hang on a sec." "I'm starving and I'm making Gina eat for me and she's doing it all wrong." "Come on, savor it." "Bobbie, listen, have you seen the billboard?" "Of course." "The whole town is talking about it." "I mean, how hot does Carmen Electra look?" "No, my billboard." "It's right next to hers." "How did I miss it?" "I was driving down Sunset, staring at Carmen." "And I realized I'd driven up on the sidewalk." "And then I hit something and I sure hope it was a mannequin because it split in half." "Thanks a lot, Bobbie." "Good talk." "Hey, Joey, I couldn't help but overhear about your billboard." " Don't worry, I'm on the case." " What are you gonna do?" "I'm gonna organize a protest and get her billboard taken down." "When I put my mind to something, it gets done." "I'm the one who got the "No Speedos in the hot tub" rule repealed." "With help from the two Danish gentlemen in apartment nine." "See you." " Hey, what are you guys doing?" " Your dad is fixing the garbage disposal." "I made it clear he didn't need to." "And he made it clear to me that he still treats women like it's the 1950s." "Hey, how about a nice smile, toots?" "Come on, you gotta get ready." "We don't wanna be late." "Hey, I'm doing a job here." "Do you take a break in your job playing make believe?" "No, we don't have to." "There's so much time sitting around, doing nothing." "It's crazy." "Give me that." "My dad's a character, huh?" "What?" "What's that look for?" "I don't know." "It's just your dad, he..." "What did he do?" "Did he make a pass at you?" "No." "I get it." "You're insulted he didn't make a pass." "All right, well if you want him to, just throw on a geisha outfit." "He's got this whole Asian thing, I don't know." "No, Joey, it's not that." " Then what is it?" " Well, it's none of my business." "But I don't really like the way he treats you." " What do you mean?" " You're doing this nice thing." "You flew him out here, and he just doesn't seem very excited or supportive." "But that's Dad." "He has a problem expressing himself." "Okay?" "But he is my number-one fan." "Every time I'm on TV, I call home and ask him, "Did you like it?"" "And he says, "Let me get your mother. "" "Then she gets on, tells me he loved it." "She said he's never been more excited than he is for tonight." "Hey, how long's this movie anyway?" "I need time to get home and have a beer before Leno." "It helps me get the jokes." "We'll be back in time." "Dad, let me ask you a question." "What's your favorite episode of Deep Powder?" "The one that was just on." "You actually were good in that one." "The one that was just on?" "They killed my character months ago." "How could you not know that?" "I don't wanna talk about this." "I'm gonna be late for the thing." "Whoa, hey, hold on." "Let me just ask you one more question." "You gotta know the answer to this." "What was my character's name on Days of Our Lives?" "I'll get your mother on the phone." "If it makes you feel any better, I have a similar situation with my parents." "Three seconds." "Okay, you're here?" "Great." "We'll be down in a minute." " Dad, the limo's here." "We gotta go." " All right, all right." "So, the billboard protest was not well received." " Look, Howard, I don't care about this." " Well, you don't have to, I'm on it." "She messed with the wrong diabetic." " Hey." " Hey, ready to go?" "You know, I just found out that Dad doesn't give a crap about my career." " What are you talking about?" "Ridiculous." " No, it's not." "No, Alex just told me about it." " She did what?" " Yeah." " Hey." " You told him about Dad?" "Well, yeah." "You white girls cannot keep your mouths shut." "Why do you keep calling me that?" "You're Italian." "You're every bit as white as I am." "I'm from Sicily." "It is right next to Africa." "I'm sorry I brought all that that stuff up about your dad." "It's all right." "It's better that I know." "I just, I can't believe I flew him all the way out here just to impress him." "It's obvious he thinks my career is stupid." "No matter what, you're bringing him to this cool thing tonight." "You know he's gonna be excited." "Yeah, yeah, you're right." "This is the biggest, best thing I've ever done." "He is gonna walk away impressed." "Wait till he sees my love scene." "It's my best since Vampire Lust Three." "I was all..." "Oh, good, you're ready." "Okay, let's go." "I am not gonna leave you here to die, Agent Wilson." "This is so exciting." "It's your big premiere." "It reminds me of the opening night for my tenth grade play." "I played Maria in West Side Story..." "Oh, my God, I just made it about me again." "I'm sorry." "I got a standing ovation." " Pretty cool, huh?" " Yeah, sure." "Okay, check this out." "See that guy with the red hair?" "The moron said the wrong line so many times they took them all away." "Hey, speak of the devil." "Don't look at me." "Look up." "You're gonna miss it." " Hey, Joey, you want some popcorn?" " Yeah, thanks." "God, this not-eating thing is killing me." "At least when Gandhi did it he didn't have to sit through crap like this." "Bobbie, you did it." "You got into the dress, you look great." "Eat something." "I don't know if I should." "If I so much as take a deep breath, this thing's gonna blow." "Here." "Oh, God." "So delicious." "Oh, my God." "Hey!" "So, what did you think of that scene?" "Speaking as a plumber, it don't make sense." "They tried to poison a water supply?" "One guy pulls a switch at the Mount Kisco Dam, problem solved." "I gotta get some air." " Joey, I'm gonna need your jacket." " Why?" "I just Incredible Hulk-ed the back of my dress." "There you are." "Dad, you're gonna miss the end." "Don't you like it?" " It's a little artsy." " Artsy?" "I just blew up 300 terrorists from the fake Middle-Eastern country of Munar." "I don't know what to tell you, Joe." "It's too bad you left." "The crowd was going crazy." "Well, you throw a party for yourself, what do you expect people to do?" "Well, did you like the scene where I saved the kid?" "Or when I get shot?" "There must have been something." "Name one thing about tonight that impressed you." "You know what impressed me?" "These toilets." "Point-two horsepower pump, probably 1.6 gallons a flush." "You don't see these too often." "Jeez, Dad, I fly you all the way out here for my big premiere you see me in a big action movie and all you can talk about is toilets?" "Obviously it was a mistake bringing you." " What I do isn't good enough for you." " No, that's not true." "Okay, name one other movie I've been in." "Name one show." "You wanna do this, huh?" "Name one of my jobs." " What?" " Name one of my jobs." "Name one of the buildings I've worked on." " What does that have to do with anything?" " Now, my job isn't good enough for you." "What are you talking about?" "Come on, you know I wanted you to do what I do." "But you had to pick a job that couldn't be more opposite, right?" "You look down on me." "Part of me thinks the reason you brought me out here for your party is because you wanna show me that your life is better." "It makes me sad that you would think that." "But you know what?" "That's not my problem." "You're the dad." "You should be happy for me." "That's your job!" "Obviously, this means nothing to you." "Pretty impressive, huh?" "Now if you'll excuse me, I don't have to take this." "I have a date with Carmen Electra." "Really?" "Hey, did you see her new billboard?" "Wrong thing to say, red-haired guy." "You suck in real life too." " Hey, Joey." " Hey." " Come on in." "Yeah." " Thanks." " So, how was the premiere tonight?" " It was okay." " What's wrong?" "Are you all right?" " Well, not really." "It's my dad." "We just had this big blowup about my career and I..." "There's plenty of flat-chested girls I can tell my problems to." "I gotta tell you, I've been thinking about this for a long time." "Me too." "And this time I am not gonna let anything stop this from happening." " Hey." " Sorry." "L..." "Just, your billboard." " Didn't realize you could see it from here." " Oh, yeah, isn't it great?" "They say it's the most talked-about billboard on Sunset in years." "Great, good for you." " So, how about some wine?" " Yeah." "I just got this amazing Burgundy from my friend Bill..." "Board?" "Your friend Bill Board?" "Is that what you're gonna say?" "No." "Joey, what's going on with you?" "Are you jealous of my billboard?" "What?" "No." "You know, I'm over it." "It's fine." "Get over here, come on." "I'm not gonna let some stupid billboard or anything else mess this up." " You sure?" " I am sure." "Hi, this is Carmen, leave a message." "Hey Carmen, it's Dad." "I'm really disappointed in you..." "Parents, huh?" " for not telling me about your awesome billboard." "I'm so proud of you." "Proud, proud, proud." "Talk to you later, sweetie." "Are you okay?" "Yeah, I don't wanna talk about billboards, or dads." "Pull the switch at Mount Kisco." "Problem solved." "Sorry about that, I just..." "Too much of a big shot to make out with your old man?" " Joey." " Yeah, Gina told me you were still here." "What are you even doing?" "My VIP pass clogged the pipe." "I'm trying to get it out." "Don't worry, someone will take care of it." "No, I wanna get it out before it gets loose and ends up in the sewer." " Why?" " I don't know, I want it." "You do?" "Yeah, you were right." "I should be happy for you and I am." " Come on, do you need a hand?" " Sure." "What do you need over there, a 9/16?" " Yeah." "How'd you know that?" " I've seen you fix a million of these things." "Remember when I was a kid?" "You used to take me on jobs?" " I loved watching you fix stuff." " Come on." "Seriously." "You think I look down on you, but it's the opposite." "I used to point to buildings and say:" ""My dad did the plumbing in there." "So if you use one of their bathrooms stand up before you flush because that thing'll turn you inside out. "" "What do you know?" "Hey, listen, Joe, in the movie that part where you duck under the helicopter blade." "How do you do that?" "Oh, well, they put the helicopter in with a computer after we shot it." "I was only pretending to see it." "Amazing." " Could you hold this for me?" " Yeah." "Listen, Joe, I didn't mean to screw up your party tonight." "It's just that, part of me held out hope that one day you'd come back and work with me." "But the more successful you get the clearer it is that that ain't gonna happen." "But this is nice, right?" "Yeah, this is nice." " Got it." " Hey, you're the best." " Here you go." " Hey, oh." "Oh, boy, thank you." "Boy." "Now your..." "Your mother won't be the only one wearing a necklace that I fished out of a toilet." "You know, Joe, I..." "I never really officially congratulated you on your premiere." " What, we're gonna do this now?" " Until you wash your hands, yeah, we are."