"Give me an answer." "Alphonse:" "Negative." "Piper:" "Sam?" "Sam:" "That's a no." "Piper:" "Jessie?" "Jessie:" "Nope." "Piper:" "Commander Kove?" "Kove:" "No." "Piper:" "None of you read "Diary Of A Teenage Fat Girl" yet." "Book club is Thursday night." "How come you always read Kove's books?" "You never read my books." "Sam:" "She picks great books." "Jessie:" "You can't go wrong with erotic vampire fiction." "Trent:" "Little respect, please." "We're supposed to be guarding George Washington's birth certificate." "Alphonse:" "That's not what those birthers would have you believe." "Piper:" "Those nuts." "They still think that George Washington wasn't born in the United States." "Sam:" "Well, technically, he wasn't, seeing as the" "United States didn't exist when he was born." "Guys, bad news." "We got a breach in the east wing." "Talk about a "night at the museum."" "Looks like we're having our own night..." "At the museum." "Jessie: [ Laughs ]" "Trent:" "See?" "Puns aren't that easy." "[ Elevator bell dings ]" "NTSF:" "SD:" "SUV:!" "Hey, baby." "Trent:" "Elena?" "Piper:" "Trent, do you know this guy?" "Trent:" "Know him?" "He's my ex-wife." "♪ Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh ♪" "♪ oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh ♪" "Alphonse:" "How many wives have you had?" "Trent:" "Seven." "But only two of them weren't brutally killed by a terrorist trying to throw me off my game." "Elena was one of them." "She double-crossed me." "Never loved anyone as much as I loved her." "Makes all my other wives look like garbage by comparison." "Sam:" "You were his fourth wife?" "Kove:" "Fourth and sixth." "I'll be in my office." "Alphonse:" "So, let me get this straight." "You were married to a guy dressed in drag?" "Trent:" "No." "Person I was married to was wall woman." "Jessie:" "Orwhatyou  thought was a woman." "Our body scans show that he" " I mean she" " Had a sex change." "Sam:" "Hadagirlfrienddothat once just to break up with me." "Piper:" "Yeah,Iguess relationships are pretty tricky, huh, you guys?" "Like when people lie to you and tell you they've read your book for book club and then they double-cross you." "It's kind of like a sex change." "Trent:" "Whyareyou  doing step aerobics?" "Kove:" "Whatdo you care what I'm doing?" "All you care about is your little ex-girlfriend." "Trent:" "She'smy ex-wife." "Kove:" "Soam I." "Trent:" "Look,we needtofind  out who she's working for." "Kove:" "Absolutelynot." "You still have feelings for him." "Trent:" "Thatwas a long time ago." "I can handle whatever Elena has up her unisex sleeve." "Kove:" "Fine." "Do whatever you want." "I'm going out tonight, and I'm going to get laid." "Twice." "Piper:" "MonsterhasTrentwrapped around his little finger." "Alphonse:" "Wegotto get him out of there." "Kove:" "Lethimbe." "The only way to find out who she's working for is to let" "Trent think he's working for us." "But in actuality, we are working against him." "Piper:" "Whataresaying?" "Kove:" "Weneedtodouble-cross Trent to protect the sanctity of" "American history." "That's why I'm going to send them on a little road trip." "Now..." "It's time to get drunk and get freaky." "Who's with me?" "SameoldTrent." "Just pick a station and stick with it." "Trent:" "Youknowwhat?" "You're not my wife anymore." "I'll pick my own stations." "Notlikethoseold days." "[ Chuckles ] Remember the Miata?" "Trent:" "Yeah,that was a piece of junk." "I have an s.U.V. Now." "There'ssomething I have to tell you." "I wasn't always a woman." "I-I was born a man." "I had a sex change so I could go undercover as your wife." "Trent:[ Scoffs]" "So, I was making love to a man." "Ablackman." "This isn't my real face either." "I'm on another mission right now." "Trent:" "So,you'reblack?" "Andgay." "But just for the mission." "That's all." "I promise." "I won't double-cross you again." "Trent:" "Allright." "Fine." "I trust you." "I'malsoallergictocats ." "Trent:" "What?" "[ Up-tempo rock-'n'-roll music playing ]" "The Franklin Avenue safehouse." "How romantic." "Trent:" "Notromantic." "It's convenient." "Wehadsomegoodtimeshere,  though, didn't we?" "[Grunting]" "Anyway, there's only one bed and you have a bad back, and I'm susceptible to colds from drafty floors, so..." "Looks like we're gonna have to share." "Dumbest thing ever." "Just stop eating." "What the hell are you doing?" "Don'tyouremember?" "I sleepy in the nudie." "Yourfavoriteperfume?" "Yes." "Let's put on some tuneage." "[ Slow music plays ]" "Just like old times." "Trent:" "Stopthis." "What the hell?" "You double-crossed me." "Sorry,honey." "You know I always like to be on top." "Kove:" "Youweregood." "But I was better." "NTSF:" "SD:" "SUV:" "Take a break." "Okay." "Thanks." "It'll give me a chance to get back to my book." "Trent:" "I 'mreadingthat,too ." ""DiaryOfA Teenage Fat Girl"?" "Trent:" "Yeahhey , why doesn't she just stop eatin' so damn much?" "Trent:" "Exactly,right?" "Don't go to the all-you-can-eat buffet, right?" "Right." "Trent:" "That'sridiculous." "Now get out of here." "Thoughtwemadeaconnection." "Trent:" "So,wasthisyour plan  all along" " To play me in a hilarious game of balderdash?" "I'dexplain,butyou  wouldn't understand." "Piper:" "Whydon'tyou  try explaining it to me?" "Trent:" "Piper." "Piper:" "Sorry,Trent." "We had to double-cross you to find out exactly who he" "She" " This person was working for." "Now give me your gun." "Gladly." "Piper:" "Whatthe..." "Thatgunis abomb." "Take your hands off of it, and you'll experience what is technically known as "kablungo."" "Looks like I just double-crossed your double cross." "Let's go." "Piper:" "Thisis exactlywhat happened in "Diary Of A Teenage" "Fat Girl," Trent, and you would have known that if you had read it!" "I'lltakethat birth certificate." "Trent:" "S.A.M. , what are you doing here?" "Ihavedecidedto double-cross the double cross and create a new variant " " El triple cruz." "Trent:" "Youtriple-cruzedme." "I'mturningyoubothinto  the President of the Navy." "Whoo!" "Yeah!" "Suck it!" "Mr.president,here'sthe  man I was telling you about." "Goodwork,my friend..." "And lover." "Lover?" "I'vebeenworkingwiththis  fine piece of ass for over a month on a plan to finally protect George Washington's birth certificate." "You see, George Washington wasn't born in the United States." "Hell, he wasn't even born on this planet." "[ Chuckles ]" "This document is a forgery." "If it got out, it would destroy the country." "Trent:" "SoyouhiredElenato steal the real document and replace it with a forgery..." "To protect America." "Asyousee,I'm  on everyone's side." "Wecreatedadomino effect of double crosses." "It's called the cross-double square." "Never used and highly classified." "Only two people know about it" " Myself..." "And my rockin' lover!" "[ Shrieks ]" "[Growls]" "Elena,let'sroll." "I want to get my bang on." "Trent, don't look away." "YouTube it and send it out to the people and let them know that the President of the Navy likes to get his bang on" "Nasty, nasty bang on!" "Whatyouwanttodois  keep your hand on the gun." "Trent:" "Oh." "LookslikeAmerican history is safe" " For now." "Piper:" "Oh,look." "We're all together." "Does anyone want to discuss "Diary Of A Teenage Fat Girl" with me?" "Look, a note." "It's from Elena to Trent." ""The only double cross I regret is not not not loving you."" "Trent:" "So,he didloveme." "Human love is impossible for me to understand." "Sam:" "Well, you can't turn love into a mathematical equation, S.A.M." "Exactly, which will give us leverage in the upcoming war against humanity." "Sam:" "What?" "What did that mean?" "Piper:" "Now that the bomb's gone off, maybe now we should discuss, uh, "Diary Of A Teenage Fat Girl."" "Oh, wait." "I forgot." "You guys still haven't read it." "Kove:" "Actually, we did." "Alphonse:" "We double-crossed you." "[ Laughter ]" "♪ oh-oh, oh-oh ♪" "♪ oh-oh, oh-oh ♪" "♪ oh-oh, oh-oh ♪" "♪ looks like we made it ♪" "♪ from the bottom to the top, we climb ♪" "♪ and nothing's gonna stop us now ♪"