"subtitles downloaded from podnapisi.net" "[bzzzzz]" "on the edge of outer space space, space, space she's the one with a serious face face, face, face face, face when i dropped in, checked it out alien girls were all about eons since i had a date" "another light-year's too long to wait earth girls are easy earth girls, so easy earth girls" "hey, those girls are loads of fun fun, fun, fun, fun even hotter than the sun sun, sun, sun you know that i've had lots of girls most of them from other worlds while trippin' through the galaxy" "the valley girls are the ones for me earth girls are easy earth girls, so easy earth girls" "earth girls girls you know that i've had lots of girls most of them from other worlds eons since i had a date another light-year's too long to wait earth girls are easy earth girls, so easy earth girls" "earth girls are easy earth girls, so easy earth girls earth girls so easy so easy, so easy earth girls earth girls" "[door opens] valerie." "[hiss] i'm home." "you're not supposed to see me in this before the wedding." "it's bad luck." "don't worry about it." "i mean, sweetheart, it's just some stupid superstition anyway." "yeah, you're right." "we met on friday the 13th and look how happy we are." "ted, what happened?" "you said 11:00." "sorry, val. it was blood and guts night at the old emergency room." "again?" "i wish you'd called me." "i would have but, you know, five minutes on the phone could, uh, cost a life." "oh." "i'm ready, teddy." "oh, what a day." "oh, boy." "i was fluffing it for you." "could you get the light, please?" "teddy... look what i found." "sweetheart, i'm sorry." "i have to take out a gall bladder first thing in the morning." "tomorrow night." "i promise." "i won't be here." "i'll be at the nail expo." "the cuticle convention, remember?" "i'll be gone till monday." "well, monday, then." "i promise." "i was reading an ad for these pyramids you put over the bed." "they're supposed to increase sexual energy." "valerie, please." "good night, sweetheart." "'night." "k-earth 101 southland weather-- another gorgeous day in l.a." "sunny and warm." "86 degrees in malibu." "94 in the valley." "88 in hollywood." "that's k-earth 101 news." "i'm claudia marshall." "it's the summer of love, love, love i'm in love with love, love, love for everyone transcends who i'm thinking of you boy love energy is giving us a shove making this the summer of love" "hi, miss lana." "i'm so sorry." "i missed our appointment." "you look so great." "that's a great outfit." "thanks, dear." "that door is a real bitch." "hi, val." "good morning." "it's a really good color for me." "wow." "you need a fill." "uh, morning, all." "good morning." "you better have a note from your mother, young lady." "he's showing off his body... i don't know." "i'm just not that turned on by her lately." "i hear oysters are good for potency." "i tried that, but they kept slipping off." "if i was any more potent, i'd kill somebody." "whoa!" "oh, right!" "i gave this cute little nurse a ride home the other night." "and?" "and?" "and nothing." "i'm getting married next month." "and why are you so tardy?" "i was up real late last night with ted." "dr. dolittle finally came through, huh?" "no. he was dead on arrival." "again?" "sanka?" "sure." "at the rate we've been having sex, we might as well be married already." "it's been, like, a week?" "two weeks." "valerie, ted's obviously a victim of pms." "what?" "premarital stress." "oh." "what'll snap him out of it?" "a new woman." "thanks." "wait. that's it!" "we'll make you a new woman." "this is great." "watch this." "let's see how you look on the makeover machine." "oh, housewife from hell." "matron on drugs." "look at that." "that's it." "we'll make you blonde with blue eyes." "maybe when i get back from the expo-- skip the expo." "stay home and ambush ted." "what if he doesn't like it?" "at this point, what have you got to lose?" "come on. we're doing a makeover." "ooh!" "ooh!" "oh!" "oh!" "oh!" "oh!" "oh!" "come on!" "a perm." "a perm." "a butch." "a facial." "a body wrap." "gravel scrub." "a gravel scrub." "bikini wax." "we'll do it all." "all right!" "it's time to face the music, it's time to make you see the root of all your problems is that you don't look like me now this is gonna hurt you, but i just got to say" "your love life's going nowhere 'cause you look like doris day who's the one they can't resist?" "the brand new girl who's on the most wanted list?" "the brand new girl honey, if you vixenize guaranteed he'll get a rise believe me, you can be a brand new brand new brand new brand new brand new brand new girl ow!" "rrrroww!" "aah!" "you're cute and fresh and wholesome but science has a cure the natural look is nowhere your hairdresser knows for sure you got to learn the art of teasing change your repertoire all you need's a little faith and a see-through pushup bra" "if you want to be a femme fatale you can't rest on your l'oreals you know, i think she might be right grab the bleach, she's seen the light ow!" "ow!" "maybelline ooh." "revlon aah." "rubbermaid talk to me, max factor who's the one they can't resist?" "the brand new girl who's on the most wanted list?" "the brand new girl honey, if you vixenize guaranteed he'll get a rise believe me, you can be a brand new brand new brand new brand new brand new girl girl [stereo playing theme from love story]" "hello, dr. gallagher." "surprised?" "yes, it's me." "oh!" "tsk. tsk." "dr. gallagher." "why are you looking at me like that?" "you want to do what?" "oh, no, no." "i couldn't." "no." "no, please. stop." "no, no." "well... all right." "ok." "let's see." "now, champagne, flowers, sushi, feathers, um, sensual oil, right, and incense or..." "let's see." ""sprinkle a light bulb with your favorite perfume to sensualize the atmosphere of your love trap."" "[record skips]" "[ssss!" "]" "[pop!" "]" "oh, no!" "[car door closes] oh, god. he's here." "well, this is where we live." "we?" "yeah. uh, you know, me and, uh, the cat bambi." "just make yourself at home, all right?" "[rrrr] [hiss]" ""how to drive a man crazy."" "[toilet flushes] aah!" "eat me, i'm a cookie!" "i'm sorry." "i'm so embarrassed." "i didn't know ted had company." "i'm valerie." "i don't usually dress like this." "here comes dr. love." "all right, robin, a pileup." "who's your friend?" "shit!" "val." "ted, what are you doing?" "uh, gee, nothing." "wh-what is going on here?" "you brought her home to have sex?" "you weren't supposed to be here." "you were going to have sex without me?" "of course not." "i don't know what you two had in mind, but i'm not into kinky scenes." "bye." "you look incredible." "honey, she doesn't mean a thing to me." "if meaningless sex is what you want, why can't you have it with me!" "i made a stupid mistake." "i wanted a last fling, that's all." "you can't expect me to be more evolved." "evolved?" "i'll show you evolved." "wait a minute." "no. now, don't do that." "that's very dangerous." "cut it--val, stop it!" "cut it out!" "val, come on!" "the neighbors are watching!" "val, open up." "sweetheart, open the door!" "you're wanted in emergency, dr. love." "you can't do this to me!" "i'm a doctor!" "here!" "take these with you, dr. love." "and don't come back!" "[muttering] [car starts] ted!" "[tires squeal] ted!" "ted, where are you going?" "go to bed, mrs. merkin!" "[ reverberating ] mrs. merkin!" "mrs. merkin!" "[meow] you're a liar, and it took me forever to figure that out" "you could switch on a smile pretend to be tender but i know now what you're all about what a nightmare my friends thought you were a dream" "you could switch on a smile and seem so sincere but you don't even know what that means i don't think you'll ever understand ooh, did cheating on me make you feel like a man?" "i used to worship the ground you walk on i did anything you wanted me to i used to worship the ground you walk on now i've lost my faith in you [glass shatters]" "aah sunday mornings i'd wake up lie in bed watching you sleep" "it was almost religious how i believed in you it hurt when you destroyed my belief i don't think you'll ever understand ooh, did cheating' on me make you feel like a man?" "i used to worship the ground you walk on i did anything you wanted me to i used to worship the ground you walk on now i've lost my faith in you oh, i've lost my faith in you" "i used to worship the ground you walk on didn't think i'd get by without you now i don't worship the ground you walk on and i'm stronger than i knew i'm stronger than you knew" "come here, you." "no, doctor." "what about your wife?" "she's in a coma." "you're not." "no. oh." "mmm. oh." "john?" "john?" "uh!" "oh." "you weasel dick!" "[telephone rings] hello." "oh, candy, the worst thing in the world happened." "no, bambi's fine." "it's ted." "yeah. the blonde thing did not work." "it's the show that shows the ins and outs of the southern california fitness craze." "let's face it." "inner beauty is for losers." "ooh." "ha ha ha ha ha!" "[bonk] uh!" "whoa!" "mac!" "whoa!" "whoa!" "aah!" "oh, great." "oh, this is too good." "there's a giant blow dryer in my pool." "oh, shit!" "ted, you're not going to control my mind when you're not here." "ok, just release all of this negative energy out into the universe." "you're just going to swim right through it." "[thud]" "[pop]" "oh, teddy bear, you're back." "aah!" "aah!" "aah!" "aah!" "aah!" "aah!" "oh!" "oh!" "oh!" "what is this?" "what's going on?" "this isn't what it looks like, is it?" "is it?" "zis zit?" "oh, my god, it is." "it's a spaceship." "oh, like things weren't bad enough, now i've been abducted by a ufo." "you're just going to do some experiments on me and let me go like in the national enquirer." "right?" "right?" "right?" "right?" "ok. ok." "just don't take out anything i'll need later." "get it over with." "i don't why you abducted me anyway." "i'm sure you're looking for somebody more important like nancy reagan." "i'll tell you where to find her because i'm just a manicurist." "i don't know about anything except nails." "you know, nails." "nails." "nails. nails." "really. i could keep my mouth shut." "you could tell me anything." "i'd never tell." "ask my cousin." "she got her boobs done, and i never told anyone." "except i just told you." "oh, my god." "you're aliens." "ooh!" "ooh!" "ooh!" "zeebo." "is that your name-- zeebo?" "wiploc." "wiploc. hi." "makelsolakveder." "maybe i'll just call you mac. how's that?" "oh, and i'm valerie." "valerie." "walerie. volare." "you guys aren't going to hurt me, are you?" "your planet is weird." "we're still in my pool." "oh." "oh!" "oh!" "listen, it was really nice meeting you, fellas, but i have to go." "feel free to use the pool, but you've caught me at a bad time." "[shouting] aah!" "aah!" "aah!" "[alarm sounds]" "[alarm stops] did i do that?" "i flooded the ship." "oh, i'm sorry." "i'm so embarrassed." "i'm really sorry, but i'm sure you can fix it, right?" "don't freak out." "this is just like the time i dropped my lady schick in the toilet." "after it dried out, it worked fine." "let's go in my house." "i'll make some lunch, and i'll get the pool drained." "then you guys can take off back to your planet." "blast off. pow." "bye-bye. bye-bye." "?" "comprende?" "?" "comprende?" "?" "comprende?" "comprende." "be careful. this ladder's a little loose." "oh, i'm glad you can breathe ok." "the air quality is actually very good today." "[coughing] careful." "it's kind of wet." "ok?" "well, uh, come on." "let's go in the house." "this way." "those are lemons." "you know, lemonade, lemon pledge." "oh. it's ok." "it's a sprinkler." "earth people are going to freak out if they see you." "no offense, but you do look like wookies or werewolves." "people will want to shoot you, so just be cool, ok?" "let's go inside." "come on. come on." "what's going on in my horoscope today?" "well, this is my house." "um...sorry about the mess." "make yourselves at home." "[cuckoo] [cuckoo] [cuckoo] hi. this is valerie gale." "could you send woody to drain my pool?" "yeah. right away." "it's an emergency. i-- [meow] [rrreow]" "[purr purr] wow!" "i've never see her do that before!" "what is that, some kind of love touch?" "[speaking alien language] oh!" "hi. yeah." "listen. this is a matter of life and death." "i lost my contact lens in the pool-- no. send woody." "he found it last time." "hey!" "those are ted's fish!" "thanks." "no. no. no. no." "not food!" "not food!" "let's see." "oh, not much here, but i didn't expect i'd have aliens for lunch." "oh, look." "low-cal pop tarts." "these are natural." "great." "[speaking alien language] ok." "we have an entree." "what else?" "uh...instant pudding!" "add water, hmm..." "too much work." "oh, spray-on cheese!" "this is great." "you have eggs on your planet?" "i could cook those for you." "uh... [pop] [thud] [plop]" "this is wonderful." "[crunch crunch crunch] [crunch crunch crunch] [meow meow] [meow]" "oh, wiploc!" "no!" "no!" "not there!" "no. come with me." "ok. so you go in there... no!" "no!" "come here. no." "you... go in there... go in there... yeah..." "and then you flush." "[whoosh] [whoosh]" "[scratch] oh, my god!" "woody's here!" "whatever you do, just stay inside." "[horse neighs] aah!" "[neigh] [singing in spanish]" "[click click] you are americans." "you're the product of the freest-- [eee!" "eee!" "]" "[click click] you're tearing me apart!" "you say one thing, he says another-- a new car!" "a new car!" "aah!" "take a mind excursion it's just... hey!" "how's it going?" "hey, woody." "what's that?" "some kind of giant boogie board?" "no. it's my new pool patio. bitchin', huh?" "pretty rad." "[meow] whoa!" "shoot the curl, kitty!" "those little guys love the water." "listen, valerie, how come you want your pool drained?" "how come?" "i don't know." "you know, the water just seems really stale." "we've seen a lot of that." "how long will this take?" "uh...about...a day." "whoa!" "check out the sets." "if i was six inches tall, i'd be out there now." "they were pumping like that this morning-- i don't believe this." "no, for real." "i was getting barreled in this totally cool tube." "i had just sex-waxed my board." "someone shoots his board, hits me in the head." "this is the worst." "would have been the ride of the decade." "what am i supposed to do until tomorrow?" "waste your brain, wax your board, pray for waves." "[whistling andy griffith theme] [speaking japanese] [speaking japanese] try this." "what'll it be?" "hmm what'll it be?" "hmm make me an alaskan polar bear heater on the double." "we'll make our own music, gorgeous." "you and you stay." "tubby, rest your thumbs." "i'll drive." "now watch, baby." "every move a picture." "[telephone rings] [click] [ted's voice] is there a doctor in the house?" "leave a message when you hear the beep." "[beep] valerie?" "are you there?" "please pick up." "i need to talk to you." "sorry i was such an asshole." "val, you've got to believe this." "i've never ever been unfaithful to you. ever." "i'm only guilty of a little kissy-face with one nurse." "you stopped me from making a big mistake last night." "val, i'm so sorry." "please forgive me." "i'll see you when i get home. bye." "come back to finland." "come back to winter all year round." "come back to parkas and goat's cheese." "finland knows what you want." "yodel-aydi, yodel-aydi, yodel-ay-hee-hoo!" "yodel-aydi, yodel-aydi, yodel-aydi, yodel-aydi, hee-hoo!" "[click] television!" "[speaking alien language] ok. well, we're all set." "finland is here?" "finland?" "no." "this is the valley." "finland is the capital of norway." "you learn fast." "sorry i was such an asshole." "oh!" "i see you found a cable station." "[imitating ted] valerie?" "are you there?" "please pick up." "did ted call?" "i'll be over right after work tonight." "ok, honey?" "bye." "oh, my god!" "ted is, like, a trained doctor." "one look at you guys and he'll know you're not local." "if i only had a zillion gallons of nair." "nair. nair." "nair." "i'm a sex pixy is that ok?" "do do do do do do do do do do do do do hey, hey, do do do do do do do do da-do, oh, oh candy, whatever you do, don't freak out." "valerie!" "promise me you will not freak out." "stop!" "you are freaking me out!" "um...a ufo landed in my pool, and they captured me, but we made friends, and i fed them pop tarts." "you've got to cut their hair." "what did you say?" "oh, nothing." "i'm on drugs." "candy, help them." "would you listen to yourself?" "valerie, no man is worth getting yourself in this state over." "mel gibson, maybe, but not ted!" "valerie, come here." "just sit down, honey." "relax." "have a mental margarita." "now i'm going to show you something that's going to change your life." "in that case, let me get a cigarette." "you got little alien house guests... let's see them." "[cough cough] shit, valerie!" "those are aliens!" "i told you." "oh, god!" "oh, shit!" "valerie!" "valerie!" "those are-- those are big..." "aliens!" "what do they want from us?" "what do you want from us?" "did they take control of your brain?" "oh...i don't think so." "can they talk?" "what'll it be?" "hmm i ate all the frusen gladje." "panty shields make me feel fresh." "are they straight?" "i don't know." "they're aliens!" "this is mac, and this is, uh...zeebo, and this is wiploc." "[cough cough] well, they're just darling." "get them out of here." "they can't leave until the pool is drained." "if ted finds out they're aliens, he'll want to dissect them." "we could make them look more...human." "i thought you never wanted to see ted again." "i don't. i just want to talk to him." "valerie, this is insane." "they're, like, throwing up on my stuff!" "come on, candy." "well, i see split ends are universal." "lost in space with no conditioner, huh?" "i think they've been up there a long time." "well, it's all dead." "it's got to come off." "can you do it?" "does tina turner wear a wig?" "that's a wig?" "that's a wig." "great!" "i'll get clothes!" "if i find one flea, the deal's off!" "ok, val, are you ready?" "i think they're almost done." "i gave the red one the blond-surfer look." "wow!" "which one is that?" "wiploc." "we are human now!" "i don't believe it!" "he's even cute!" "i know!" "bitchin', huh?" "val, you won't believe this." "ok... surprise!" "is that zeebo?" "[imitating candy] oh, my god !" "you're, like, totally black!" "ok... and...behind door number three... this is... the ultimate!" "wow!" "you're incredible." "well, it was easy." "i started on poodles." "good?" "real good." "ok. ok." "group picture. come on." "come on." "get down there." "all right... now say, velveeta slices." "sl--vegakld." "vel--salksi." "ok, you guys, what's the plan for tonight?" "whoa!" "candy, reality check." "we can't go out." "they're aliens!" "so?" "they can still be dates!" "do you guys have margaritas on your planet?" "it's not safe." "i'll take you home." "don't get your panties in a bunch." "we're with major cute guys." "it's saturday night!" "come on!" "you guys are so lucky you crashed in the valley." "it's the baddest place on earth." "candy, sit down!" "hi, sweets." "i think we'd like to keep a low profile, candy." "guys, what you doing later?" "i never would have believed that this could happen." "that you'd be cruising with shaved martians?" "no. that ted would do this to me." "give men enough rope, they'll dig their own grave." "so true." "he said he wanted one last fling." "maybe that's normal, i don't know." "i'm sure we'll be happy once we're married, but i can't pretend this didn't happen." "valerie, you work hard to make ted happy." "who is making you happy?" "woo!" "woo!" "finland babes!" "yodel-aydi, yodel-aydi, yodel-ay-hee-hoo!" "didn't you go to van nuys high?" "van nuys high?" "aren't you terry harper's brother?" "terry harper's brother?" "ha ha ha!" "someone should hose those girls down!" "want to party?" "want to party?" "come on!" "wiploc!" "look!" "there they are!" "ok. don't worry." "i'll go get him." "me, too." "me, too, too." "wait-- it'll only take a minute." "come on, you guys, what are you doing?" "[tarzan yell] when i need something to help me unwind i find a six-foot baby with a one-track mind smart guys are nowhere, they make demands give me a moron with talented hands... where did you buy those?" "they're my dad's." "those are fabulous." "i know." "...in love till we're done then they're out in the hall i like 'em big and stupid i like 'em big and real dumb i like 'em big and stupid" "what kind of guy does a lot for me?" "superman with a lobotomy my father's out of harvard my brother's out of yale but the guy i took home last night just got out of jail... valerie!" "hi!" "over here!" "candy!" "hi!" "are you nuts?" "what are you doing?" "having cocktails." "alaskan polar bear heater." "ted is coming home tonight, and there's a ufo in my pool. a ufo!" "bfd. ted won't be there for a few hours." "just chill out." "let's get these guys out before anyone realizes they're aliens." "no one's going to know they're aliens, ok?" "tanya!" "hi. you know val, and this is mac, wiploc, and zeebo." "they're from mars or something!" "could you die?" "hey, zeebo, want to dance?" "want to dance?" "great idea." "wiploc." "should i dance?" "sure." "fine. hey, party down." "when you're ready for your chauffeur, i'll be out on the patio." "what's her problem?" "two weeks?" "whoa!" "...'cause it was so stupid the bigger they come, the harder i fall in love till we're done then they're out in the hall... come on." "let's dance." "woo!" "i like 'em big and real dumb i like 'em big and...?" "he left?" "she likes 'em big and stupid" "[piano playing]" "you, go rest your thumbs. i'll drive." "you could actually play that?" "valerie, are we limp and hard to manage?" "oh, no, no." "you're fine." "i'm sorry." "i just don't feel like talking much." "i figured that everything would just fall into place if i found mr. right." "mr. right?" "mr. right is like the guy you dream of meeting ever since you're a little girl." "you'd go anyplace or do anything to be together." "he feels the same way because you're right for each other." "i don't know." "maybe i'm kidding myself." "maybe there's no such thing." "baby gonna shake all night baby gonna shake it right baby gonna shake so fast out on the floor baby gonna shake all night baby gonna shake it right baby gonna shake so fast hey, baby." "why be with a zero when you can dance with a hero?" "oh, baby you got to tell me where it takes us you don't care ooh, yeah baby, just fix up your hair it doesn't matter what you wear to me get yourself back in your car" "we don't have to go too far to see oh, baby baby gonna shake all night baby gonna shake it right baby gonna shake so fast out on the floor come on, now, hurry there's always something we can do" "why be with a hero when you can dance with a zero?" "don't have to worry as long as i'm not there with you oh, yeah, yeah baby, just fix up your hair it doesn't matter what you wear to me" "get yourself back in your car we don't have to go too far whoa." "back off, jack!" "the lucky lady's with me, and don't be copping my dance moves." "i'll dance with you both. i don't care." "no, no, no." "you don't understand." "he can't dance." "all right. i know he can't do this." "baby gonna shake all night baby gonna shake it right baby gonna shake so fast out on the floor baby gonna shake all night baby gonna shake it right baby gonna shake so fast out on the floor shake all night" "don't you want to shake it?" "baby gonna dance all night come shake it, baby baby gonna shake all night shake it, baby shake it, baby, shake it dance all night out on the floor" "come on, man." "hot damn!" "hot damn!" "there's nothing i'd rather do right here while you're mine being here with you leaving it all behind, baby" "all right!" "hey!" "woo!" "baby, just fix up your hair it doesn't matter what you wear to me get yourself back in your car we don't have to go too far to see oh, baby baby gonna shake all night baby gonna shake it right" "baby gonna shake so fast out on the floor baby gonna shake all night baby gonna shake it right baby gonna shake so fast out on the floor shake all night damn!" "baby" "i'm going home with him." "i'm going home with him." "i'm going home with him." "bitch." "i don't even know what planet you're from." "jhazalla." "oh. we've only been as far as the moon." "you know, at first, i thought you kind of looked like a giant bigfoot or something, but now..." "if i didn't know you were an alien, i would just think that you were a really cute guy who, i'm sure, has a girlfriend." "no mr. right girlfriend." "yodel-ay-hee-hoo!" "oh, my god." "that's wiploc." "hit me all right!" "all right!" "all right!" "give me your autograph on my forehead." "sign these." "candy, you're frenching an alien in public!" "[speaking alien language] you ok?" "wiploc." "wiploc." "i want to be zero." "i want to be zero." "no, no, no." "candy, uh, i'll call you." "oh, what was it like?" "oh, my god!" "you're so lucky!" "did you get his number?" "i want his baby." "sweetheart?" "sweetheart, i'm sorry." "val?" "honey?" "hey, val?" "what?" "oh, wait a second." "they said the commodore would stand up to anything." "[thud] ooh!" "beamer?" "beamer?" "beamer." "[making fish noise] astin, where's martin?" "where's val?" "don't, don't panic." "she probably wasn't here when... operator, give me the police." "this is an emergency." "police?" "this is dr. gallagher." "i'd like to report a break-in and..." "and a possible kidnaping." "oh, god." "ted's here." "you guys, act human, ok?" "just act human." "oh, sweetheart, you're all right." "oh, i was so worried about you." "when i came home, the house was wrecked." "who are they?" "who?" "those guys?" "yeah." "a band." "boy, i'm totally clear." "[humming] you mean like a rock 'n' roll band?" "what are you doing with a band, val?" "i won them on mtv." "i won an mtv weekend with a band." "hi. i am, uh, mac." "how is it hanging, mr. dude?" "dr. dude." "dr. dude?" "i came home to talk to you alone." "this is private." "i'm sure you won't mind when i ask you to leave." "they can't leave." "they're spending the weekend." "this is my house." "your house?" "wait." "i threw you out, dr. love." "i'm going to throw them out." "what do you think of that?" "no, you're not." "yes, i am." "i won them." "what?" "you're tearing me apart!" "you have no business being with these weird people." "i never won a band before. they're staying." "i want you to be happy, but-- yee-wah." "ah!" "he was good." "you animal!" "i ought to give you a tracheotomy." "that was mercedes, my most expensive fish!" "hey, what's going on here?" "break it up." "hey, hey!" "come on!" "break it up." "what are you doing?" "who's dr. gallagher?" "i'm dr. gallagher." "uh-huh." "i'm officer demonte." "this is officer murphy." "you reported a break-in and possible kidnapping?" "yes, i did, but she's fine." "however, these degenerates broke into my home and destroyed my property." "i want them arrested right now." "they're mtv scum!" "ma'am, you mind telling us what's going on here?" "this man doesn't live here anymore, and he's strangling my guests." "he was eating my blue-gilled dorky." "watch your mouth!" "10-13. we got a false report." "just a domestic dispute." "his girlfriend dumped him for a rock band." "bullshit!" "let's go where you can cool off." "i'm a doctor!" "if we bust your arm, you can put on your own cast." "val, i don't know you." "if you thought i'd spend my life with you, your friends, and that psychotic cat of yours, you're crazy!" "the wedding's off, val!" "come on, buddy." "you want to dance with a zero?" "i'm sorry." "i think i have to go to my room now." "[speaking alien language]" "is ted coming back?" "[sigh] no. ted doesn't want to come back." "[door closes] i don't know what ted wants, but it's not me." "what does valerie want?" "i don't know." "i just want to be happy." "mac could make valerie happy." "thanks, but i don't think anybody could make me feel very good right now." "mac could make valerie feel very, very good." "wait a minute." "are you coming on to me?" "is this a pass?" "because if it is, sex is totally out of the question." "what is sex?" "sex?" "you know, making love." "a man and a woman like each other, and they take their clothes off, and... ok." "well, no, no, no!" "we can't because me and ted are, uh... i guess we're not, but, i mean, uh... we can't because you're an alien, and i'm from the valley." "we may not even be anatomically correct for each other." "that could be a real problem." "[zipper unzips] no problem." "but, i mean, uh, no, no, no." "i mean, it just wouldn't work." "you're from out of town." "the phone bills would just be hell... shh." "well, i just don't want you to think earth girls are easy." "what is easy?" "this is easy." "aah!" "ah!" "[siren] oh!" "yeah, yeah, yeah!" "yeah, yeah, yeah!" "i told you not to have fun." "[ring] [ring]" "[ring] help!" "ted!" "help!" "uh-oh." "uh, don't go anywhere." "i've been paged." "oh, sweetheart." "ted." "ted, make it stop." "ted." "what happened to my fish?" "ted!" "beamer!" "your face!" "what happened?" "[ribbit ribbit]" "ted!" "stop it." "stop it!" "stop it!" "aaah!" "hi." "hi." "god." "i had the weirdest dream last night." "all i remember is-- shh... [thump thump] [thump thump] you have the strangest heartbeat." "sounds like you have two hearts." "yes." "don't you?" "no. i just have one." "tell me about zimbabwe." "jhazalla?" "jhazalla." "is it like earth?" "yes." "it's beautiful." "sounds neat." "is driving a ufo a good job?" "oh, yes." "do you own your own home?" "no water." "come look." "[speaking alien language]" "[speaking alien language]" "hi, guys." "hope instant decaf is ok." "breakfast is on the way." "i'm making pancakes from scratch." "yeah. valerie, uh... we can go home now." "oh." "gee... that's great." "wow." "i didn't think it would be so soon." "yeah." "that's, uh, that's really good." "yeah. uh, valerie... [telephone rings] well, i better go get that." "pool man!" "hey, dudes, what's happening?" "woody." "woody." "what is this?" "a spaceship?" "spaceship?" "no way, jose." "what is it?" "a car." "that's why she wanted me to drain it." "she drove her car into the pool." "i'm always doing that." "pretty rad car, though." "where is it made?" "finland." "finland. finland." "oh, i heard of that." "ted, bringing that girl here was inexcusable." "now that i've slept on it, i could probably forgive you, but what about calling off the wedding?" "sweetheart, i didn't mean that." "marrying you is the most important thing in the world." "i need you to take care of me." "i won't so much as look at another woman, unless, of course, i'm giving her a physical examination." "a relationship is like a porcelain nail-- you can break it, you can glue it back together, but it won't be as strong as before unless the person's committed and not bringing home nurses." "you should've seen me today, man." "nothing but radical rips all the way in." "you want some slushy?" "i was barely off my board when the wahines were all over me." "ew!" "wahines!" "wahines." "you know, girls." "girls?" "you know girls?" "does the woodburger know girls?" "pinocchio got a wooden butt?" "i could fix you up with some bodacious chicks just like that." "you don't believe me?" "like that." "come on. let's hit the beach." "ride the wild bikinis!" "we go get candy?" "candy, gum, beer nuts, anything you want." "twizzlers." "i got some milk duds." "you ought to lay off coffee." "it'll kill you in a day." "i will take you to zuma beach." "i need surprises." "i need romance." "how long has it been since you said i love you, i need you, i'm crazy about you?" "well, ted?" "get in the car, will you?" "wiploc." "zeebo." "[speaking alien language] zeebo going to zuma beach!" "[speaking alien language] zeebo!" "wiploc!" "hey, dudes, i just remembered something." "what was it?" "at the beach today, they're having a blond-of-the-month contest." "blond?" "yeah, you know, blond beach bunnies, california's finest." "because i'm blond i don't have to think i talk like a baby and i never pay for drinks don't have to worry about getting a man if i keep this blond and i keep these tanned 'cause i'm a blond, yeah, yeah, yeah" "'cause i'm a blond, yeah, yeah, yeah i see people working it just makes me giggle 'cause i don't have to work i just have to jiggle 'cause i'm blond, b-l-o-n-d 'cause i'm a blond" "don't you wish you were me?" "i never learned to read and i never learned to cook why should i bother when i look like i look?" "i know lots of people are smarter than me but i have this philosophy-- so what?" "'cause i'm a blond, yeah, yeah, yeah i see girls without dates and i feel so sorry for them 'cause whenever i'm around all the men ignore them 'cause i'm blond, nyah, nyah, nyah" "'cause i'm a blond, nyah, nyah, nyah they say to make it you need talent and ambition well, i got a tv show and this was my audition um, what was it?" "ok, don't tell me." "oh, yeah, ok." ""duck, magnum, duck!"" "'cause i'm a blond, yeah, yeah, yeah 'cause i'm a blond, yeah, yeah, yeah i took an iq test, and i flunked it, of course i can't spell "vw," but i got a porsche" "'cause i'm a blond b-l-o-n-d 'cause i'm a blond don't you wish you were me?" "i just want to say that being chosen as this month's miss august is, like, a compliment i'll remember for as long as i can right now, i'm a freshman in my fourth year at u.c.l.a." "but my goal is to become a veterinarian 'cause i love children 'cause i'm a blond, yeah, yeah, yeah 'cause we're a blond, yeah, yeah, yeah girls think i'm snotty and maybe it's true" "with my hair and body you would be, too 'cause i'm a blond, b-l...i don't know i'm a blond, yeah, yeah, yeah yes, i'm a blond, yeah, yeah, yeah" "'cause i'm a blond, yeah, yeah, yeah" "hey, dudes." "dudes, come on." "snap out of it." "we're making a pit stop." "bang!" "bang!" "hello, opie." "bryan, come on over here!" "will you get in this car right now?" "mom, he's got my gun!" "i told you not to tell fibs!" "hey!" "leave home, kid!" "hey, dudes!" "listen." "since i'm springing for the gas, you pick up some brews and some sandwich stuff." "some brews and some sandwich stuff." "yeah. like bread and junk." "ok, dudes?" "ok, dude." "bread and junk." "give us bread." "we need junk." "don't shoot. don't shoot." "i just work here." "i'm an american." "there. take it." "[ding] take it all." "where is candy?" "candy?" "oh!" "right here." "take as much as you want." "thank you." "thank you too much." "[speaking alien language]" "hey, troops!" "had to drain the lizard!" "be right with you." "what do i owe you?" "get down!" "what?" "get down!" "i was just held up." "they're out there." "they got guns!" "guns?" "my buddies are out there." "where are they?" "that green wreck." "excuse me." "could you back up?" "i need to get some unleaded." "back up." "back up." "[ding!" "ding!" "]" "aah!" "that's my wagon!" "back up." "cosmic i was having this out-of-body experience of all these cosmic things everywhere i went up there they were shakin' their cosmic things like someone gave you a wild goose or a freight train with a loose caboose you better shake your" "honey buns shake your honey buns... we are party martians!" "we are mtv scum!" "shake that cosmic thing shake that thing shake it shake shake that thing all night long shake it fast, you can't go wrong don't let it rest on the president's desk rock the house cosmic woo, cosmic" "cosmic, woo... hey!" "that looks great!" "shake it cosmic" "hey, guys!" "brunch is ready." "come and get it." "[telephone rings] hey, valerie." "it's woody." "hi." "listen, you know your friends?" "those finland guys?" "we were heading to the beach-- what?" "they're gone?" "they're with you?" "no. they were." "they kind of robbed the mini mart when i wasn't lookin', then they totaled the gas station, then they ripped off my van!" "i'm at the mini mart down the street." "toys 'r' us." "that's it?" "you seen zeebo and wiploc?" "i got water in here." "maybe that's one of them." "sure?" "not really." "good enough for me." "so look-- uh!" "what's going on?" "woody!" "what's happening?" "i gotta go now, valerie." "i'm gettin' my butt kicked." "well, if you plan to motor west travel my way take a highway that's the best" "and get your kicks on route 66... aah!" "well, it winds from chicago to l.a." "more than 2,000 miles all the way" "get your kicks on route 66 wiploc!" "well, it goes to st. louis down to missouri oklahoma city, it's oh, so pretty you'll see amarillo gallup, new mexico flagstaff, arizona, don't forget winona kingman, barstow, san bernadino" "won't you get hip to this timely tip?" "aah!" "aah!" "and you'll take that california trip oh!" "oh!" "get your kicks on route 66 [sirens]" "you have the right to remain silent." "anything you say can and will be used... hey!" "jail isn't so bad." "it's where i learned how to surf." "he's dead meat." "you hang 10 now." "you've got to believe me." "this is all a misunderstanding." "sorry." "then arrest me." "yeah." "stay out of this, flipper." "you didn't do anything." "hey, lady!" "don't do that!" "paramedic unit 104." "we picked up two victims fitting the description of the mini mart robbery suspects." "taking them to our lady of the valley hospital." "10-13. copy." "that's ted's hospital." "we have to get there." "joe... take us to hospital, please." "hey, clown, you're going to the slammer." "we go to slammer first." "give them that love touch, then they'll come on to me." "they'll be putty in my hands." "you want sex with joe and mike?" "no. just so we can get away. do it." "hey!" "how about those lakers, huh?" "what about those incredible eyes of yours?" "what?" "they're just this far from liz taylor violet." "oh, michael!" "joseph." "two new patients in emergency... dr. love." "it's the summer of love, love, love i'm in love with love, love, love for everyone transcends here i'm thinking of you boy bye, you guys." "thanks for the lift." "i hope things work out." "bye." "happy house hunting." "ciao." "thank you very much." "they're such a nice couple." "bye." "bye." "totally cool, tim." "ride cool rips all the way in." "great." "you two." "hi, dr. dude." "the party's over." "settle down." "take us to valerie's house." "you're not setting foot in my house again." "we're looking for two patients who were just admitted." "that's kind of a nasty bump." "does this hurt?" "aah!" "good." "let's just have a listen here, shall we?" "surf's up." "surf's up." "leave it alone." "breathe." "[thump thump] [thump thump] again." "wait a second." "breathe." "breathe." "breathe." "it's incredible." "it's amazing." "you each... have two heartbeats." "wiploc and zeebo?" "what are their last names?" "they don't have last names." "they're performers like...cher." "oh!" "yes. they're in the emergency room being examined by dr. gallagher." "oh!" "he'll dissect them." "you can't go in there." "medical personnel only." "we've got to get in there." "i have an idea, but it means doing something terrible to an innocent person." "let's do it." "which floor?" "two, please." "i think i'm going to enjoy this." "feel this?" "it's a gun." "what-- shut up. walk." "come in here." "help. she's got a gun." "take off your uniform." "what?" "take it off!" "quick!" "i know you." "you're ted's girlfriend." "strip." "i don't want any part of you, ted, or your kinky sex trips." "strip!" "she said strip." "the call button." "push the call button." "nuh-uh." "you'll go to prison for this... excuse me." "for molesting me, for having a gun-- it's not real." "your heart... excuse me, doctor." "this doctor's here to pick up these patients." "these guys aren't going anywhere." "i'm admitting them for observation." "they seem ok to me." "nurse, listen to their hearts, and tell me what you hear." "cover of time magazine man of the year yes, i'll be rich and famous i'll be on the today show." "shh, zeebo." "it's me." "he sounds perfectly normal to me, doctor." "oh, no." "that's impossible." "they each have two distinct heartbeats." "try me, doctor." "yes." "i could try you." "thud!" "thud!" "thud!" "oh, my god!" "you, too." "[ding!" "ding!" "ding!" "]" "[beep!" "beep!" "beep!" "beep!" "]" "it's my beeper!" "no. my beeper's never done this before." "[ring] get the phone." "what phone, doctor?" "hello?" "doctor, i'm afraid you must be hearing things." "[ruff ruff ruff] yodel-aydi... [neigh] yodel-ay-hee-hoo!" "is there something wrong, doctor?" "oh, hello, doctor." "should i call you a doctor, doctor?" "make it stop!" "i can't stand it." "[ring!" "]" "[thud!" "ring!" "]" "[thud!" "ring!" "]" "[thud!" "thud!" "]" "[thud!" "thud!" "]" "[thud!" "thud!" "]" "you guys, you came this close to being a science project." "come on." "ted's car!" "follow me." "quick!" "get in quick!" "oh!" "oh, god!" "here comes ted!" "hide!" "get down and hide." "valerie?" "sweetheart, i'm so glad to see you." "can we go home?" "these last two days have been hell." "sweetheart, i actually think i've been hearing things." "oh, val, could you drive?" "please, valerie." "ok, ted." "here." "get in, honey." "i'm exhausted." "i thought about what you said." "i've decided to do something impulsive." "let's go to vegas tonight and get married." "tonight?" "what about the church and my dress?" "we can do the big church wedding later." "well... what do you say?" "i don't know..." "i'm just so surprised." "come on." "you wanted surprises." "ted." "[love story theme plays]" "you got to bring that one-piece night thing, that, uh, corset that looks like underwear." "what is it now?" "something old... oh!" "these pantyhose are old." "something new." "this veil is new." "dr. tushman, please." "hey, barbara, ted here." "listen, uh, i need a really big favor." "i want you to cover my shift at the hospital tomorrow." "i'm going to vegas." "well, i'm going to... lose a little money, take in a show, and get married." "barbara." "barbara-- look, just because i'm getting married doesn't mean we can't date, all right?" "what?" "[speaking alien language]" "valerie." "good-bye." "bye." "nice planet you have here." "give tanya my number." "take care, zeebo." "aw, wiploc." "i think i'll miss you least of all." "you got liplock for wiploc?" "valerie... i don't know the words." "oh, mac." "i'm going to miss you so much." "i'll miss you, too." "sweetheart, i booked the cave man suite at cupid's lodge." "what the hell is this?" "ok, ted, they're not a band." "they're from another planet." "go back in the house." "i'll be in soon." "oh, my god!" "they're aliens." "aliens!" "got you covered." "it's ok." "ted. ted. it's ok." "you're contaminated." "i--i have to go now." "ted!" "i'll call the police." "ted... i gotta go." "stop it." "good-bye, valerie." "mac!" "it didn't work!" "mac!" "i have to tell you something." "i love you!" "take me with you!" "to jhazalla?" "anyplace!" "i am mr. right?" "yes!" "yes!" "well, uh... good-bye, ted." "um, i guess it wasn't meant to be, but, uh, i really want to thank you for, um...thanks for the, uh... good-bye, ted." "mac!" "mac!" "wait, you guys!" "you can't leave without margaritas!" "valerie, what are you doing?" "good-bye, candy." "i'll miss you." "well, good luck, val." "call me." "[meow] happy trails." "[meow] bambi, i never knew." "wait!" "hey!" "give my love to finland!" "oh!" "oh!" "ha ha ha!" "people all over the world join hands start a love train, love train people all over the world all over the world, join hands start a love train love train, love train first stop that we'll make" "will be england tell all the folks in russia and china, too get on board don't you know it's time to get on board time to get on board let the train keep on ridin' riding' on through" "riding' on through people all over the world join hands join your hands and start a love train and start a love train love train people all over the world join hands everybody get on the love train get on the love train" "love train all of your brothers over in africa come on now, people" "tell all the folks in egypt and israel, too" "please don't miss this train at the station 'cause if you miss it i feel sorry, sorry for you sorry, oh, for you people all over the world join hands start a love train love train start a love train" "sisters and brothers join hands come on start the love train get on board" "well, yeah people all over the world join hands join your hands and start a love train and start a love train love train people all over the world join hands everybody get on the love train get on the love train" "love train hey first stop that we'll make will be england" "tell all the folks in russia and china, too get on board don't you know it's time to get on board it's time to get on board and let this train keep on ridin' riding' on through" "riding' on through people all over the world join hands everybody and start a love train join the love train love train come on, come on, come on, come on join hands everybody get on the love train" "yeah get on board get on board get on board get on board hey get on board well, yeah new york, are you in the house?" "l.a., are you in the house?" "motor city, are you in the house?" "everybody miami, are you in the house?" "start a love train all over the world join hands get on atlanta get on the love train d.c." "all over the world join hands everybody everybody get on the love train get on the love train people all over the world join hands and start a love train, love train everybody people all over the world come on, come on, come on, come on" "get on the love train love train come on, people, now people all over the world join hands and start a love train, love train all over the world people all over the world join hands come on, boys and girls, join the love train" "love train don't need no ticket"