"PREVIOUSLY ON..." "I WAS JUST THINKING-- I'M LEAVING" "DO YOU WANT TO SPLIT A CAB?" "ACTUALLY, I THOUGHT I'D TAKE A WALK." "O.K. DO YOU WANT TO SPLIT A WALK?" "WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?" "I DON'T KNOW." "I REALLY WANTED TO GO WITH HER." "JAMIE AND I AREN'T DOING SO GREAT RIGHT NOW." "WE HAVE TO TALK." "WE TOOK A WALK AROUND THE BLOCK." "SHE GOT INTO A CAB, AND I CAME HOME." "BUT IT WASN'T JUST A WALK." "I KISSED DOUG BERKUS." "I GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE." "WHERE ARE YOU GOING?" "I DON'T KNOW." "ARE YOU COMING BACK?" "I DON'T KNOW." "SHOULDN'T WE TALK ABOUT THIS?" "NO." "I CAN'T TALK ABOUT THIS NOW." "I CAN'T..." "TALK." "O.K., WAIT, JUST WAIT." "WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN NOW?" "WHAT HAPPENS NOW?" "I DON'T KNOW, I DON'T KNOW." "I'M--I'M" "I DON'T KNOW." "[WOMAN] OHH!" "[KNOCK ON DOOR]" "OH, NO." "[IRA] WHO IS IT?" "[PAUL] IT'S ME, SPLINKY." "OPEN UP." "PAULIE, YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?" "IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO OPEN THE DOOR." "COME ON." "WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING IN THERE?" "NOTHING." "WHAT THE HELL IS THE MATTER WITH YOU?" "OH, NO." "YEP." "PAULIE, I TOLD YOU NOT TO TELL HER." "I DIDN'T LISTEN TO YOU, AND" "I DIDN'T ACTUALLY TELL HER." "I TRIED." "BEFORE I COULD TELL HER," "SHE TELLS ME SHE KISSED THIS GUY IN HER OFFICE." "YOU KNOW THIS GUY BERKUS?" "WELL, SHE KISSED HIM." "SHE DIDN'T ACTUALLY KISS HIM." "HE KISSED HER, BUT SHE DIDN'T EXACTLY STOP IT." "SO WELCOME TO MY LIFE." "HEY!" "NAKED GIRL." "DO YOU SEE WHAT'S GOING ON BEHIND YOUR COUCH?" "PAULIE, THIS IS JOYCE." "JOYCE, THIS IS MY COUSIN PAUL." "HI." "HI, PAUL." "I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS." "EXCUSE ME." "SORRY." "DO YOU STILL HAVE THOSE FAT-FREE COOKIES?" "YEAH." "ON THE SHELF, NEXT TO THE CHIPS." "NO." "STAY, STAY." "JUST..." "I CAN'T FIND THEM." "THEY'RE UNDERNEATH THE GOOD COOKIES-- THE ONES WITH THE FAT." "EVERYTHING'S SO DIFFERENT NOW." "THE AIR'S A DIFFERENT COLOR." "I FEEL SO TOTALLY OFF." "I WAS WALKING HERE-- I CAN'T CATCH MY BREATH." "YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?" "WE'RE GOING TO FIGURE IT OUT." "I PROMISE." "WHAT GOOD COOKIES WITH THE FAT?" "JUST A SECOND." "ALL RIGHT?" "YOU KNOW WHAT'S FUNNY?" "I GAVE HIM THOSE SHEETS." "[KNOCK ON DOOR]" "COME IN!" "IT'S OPEN!" "HI, JAMIE." "WANT TO PLAY TWISTER?" "TWISTER?" "NO, THANKS." "HOW ABOUT A THREE-WAY GAME OF CHUTES AND LADDERS?" "MAYBE LATER." "I'LL GO SET IT UP." "LISA..." "HELP." "WHAT'S THE MATTER?" "I'M IN TROUBLE." "WHAT'S UP?" "I KISSED DOUG BERKUS." "THAT GUY FROM THE OFFICE?" "HE'S SO CUTE!" "O.K., REALLY NOT THE POINT." "I KNOW." "I MAY HAVE JUST SCREWED UP" "WHAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN A VERY NICE LITTLE LIFE." "HE'LL GET OVER IT." "MINE." "MY LIFE." "ALL RIGHT." "IT'S NOT THE END OF THE WORLD." "COME ON." "YOU DIDN'T, UH..." "NO." "GOD." "OF COURSE NOT." "YOU'LL FEEL BAD FOR A LITTLE BIT." "YOU'LL GET OVER IT." "LIFE GOES ON." "PAUL LEFT." "WHAT DO YOU MEAN?" "I TOLD HIM WHAT HAPPENED." "HE GOT UPSET AND LEFT." "I COULDN'T STAY IN THE HOUSE ALONE." "I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO." "WHAT DO I DO?" "YOU'RE ASKING ME?" "YES." "COOL." "[TELEPHONE RINGS]" "YEAH?" "IS HE THERE?" "YEAH." "IS SHE THERE?" "UH-HUH." "NOPE." "DO YOU BELIEVE THIS?" "YOU PUT HER ON." "I'LL PUT HIM ON." "SHE DOESN'T WANT TO TALK TO HIM." "SHE DOESN'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU." "SHE DOESN'T WANT TO TALK TO ME?" "NO, NO." "IDON'T WANT TO TALK TO HER." "HE DOESN'T WANT TO TALK TO HER." "WHAT?" "VERY MATURE." "HE SAYS HE DOESN'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU." "VERY MATURE." "TOLD YOU." "THEY SAID YOU'RE VERY MATURE." "VERY MATURE SARCASTIC, OR VERY MATURE SINCERE?" "I'D HAVE TO GUESS SARCASTIC." "I DON'T FEEL COMFORTABLE TALKING TO HIM RIGHT NOW." "HUH?" "HUH?" "WHAT?" "WHAT?" "NEVER MIND." "I DON'T KNOW." "NEVER MIND." "SHE DOESN'T KNOW." "SHE DOESN'T KNOW." "SHE DOESN'T KNOW HOPELESS," "OR SHE DOESN'T KNOW, LIKE, AMBIVALENT?" "GET ON THE PHONE." "NO, NO." "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "HOLD ON A SECOND." "HOLD ON A SECOND." "I GOT NOTHING TO SAY TO HER." "HE HAS NOTHING TO SAY TO HER." "HE HAS NOTHING TO SAY TO YOU." "HE HAS NOTHING TO SAY TO ME?" "WHAT IS THERE TO SAY?" "WHAT IS THERE TO SAY?" "A--SHE SHOULDN'T BE TALKING TO ANYBODY NOW." "SHE SHOULDN'T BE TALKING AT ALL." "SHE SHOULD LOOK INSIDE HER SOUL" "FOR SOME ANSWERS TO VERY STICKY QUESTIONS" "ABOUT THE DEFINITION OF MARRIAGE" "AND PROPRIETY AND THE CONSEQUENCES OF ACTIONS" "AND THE RAMIFICATIONS THEREOF." "ANSWERS TO ALL KINDS OF STUFF." "AND 2-- AND DEUX..." "IN A LARGER SENSE" "WHAT KIND OF PERSON IS SHE?" "WHAT KIND OF PERSON IS SHE?" "WHO IS THIS WOMAN THAT I THOUGHT I KNEW," "WHO HAS MADE A MOCKERY OF EVERYTHING THAT I HELD SACRED?" "AND WHEN WE MADE OUR SACRED MARRIAGE VOWS" "FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE," "FOR SICKNESS OR FOR POORER" "I DON'T RECALL ANYBODY MAKING MENTION" "OF THE BRIDE KISSING DOUGLAS BERKUS." "ABOUT THE BRIDE KISSING THIS CLOWN BERKUS." "AND I'LL TELL YOU," "THE NERVE, THE UNMITIGATED GALL" "OF HER TEARING APART THIS UNION" "OUT OF PERSONAL WEAKNESS" "LEAVES ANY THINKING, FEELING HUMAN BEING" "WITH A PIT IN THEIR STOMACH." "AND TELL HER I WANT MY DOG BACK." "TELL HIM PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN GLASS HOUSES SHOULDN'T THROW STONES," "THAT NONE OF US IS PERFECT," "AND UNTIL HE'S WALKED A MILE IN MY SHOES, HE HAS NOT WALKED." "BOY, ARE YOU IN TROUBLE." "AND TELL HIM IF HE STOPS BY THE APARTMENT TO WATER THE PLANTS." "AND ALSO I LEFT A FROZEN CHICKEN ON THE COUNTER." "IF HE WANTS TO PICK UP MURRAY," "HE CAN COME BY MY OFFICE AND GET HIM TOMORROW" "BEFORE HIS JOB INTERVIEW." "AND TELL HIM GOODBYE." "DID YOU HEAR THAT?" "DID YOU HEAR THAT?" "JUST TELL HER GOODBYE." "GOODBYE." "HEY." "LOOK WHO'S LATE INSTEAD OF ME." "WE COULDN'T GET ON THE SUBWAY." "MURRAY WOULDN'T SAY HE'S A SEEING EYE DOG." "PICK A BUTTON." "THE BUTTONS." "THAT'S RIGHT." "THE BUTTONS." ""BROCKWELL FOR MAYOR." WHAT ELSE IS THERE TO SAY?" "SEE YOU TOMORROW." "SO THIS IS MURRAY." "YES." "MURRAY, DOUG." "DOUG, MURRAY." "HI, MURRAY." "[DING]" "LISTEN, JAMIE, I, UH..." "HEY, CAN WE WAIT FOR THE NEXT ONE?" "IS THAT ALL RIGHT?" "FOURTH FLOOR, PLEASE." "O.K." "UM, ABOUT YESTERDAY-- DOUG" "I DIDN'T SLEEP AT ALL LAST NIGHT." "THAT MAKES 17 OF US." "LOOK, THIS THING THAT HAPPENED" "DOUG" "CAN I--PLEASE-- LET ME SAY THIS, O.K.?" "UH, I THOUGHT IN THE BACK OF MY CRAZY HEAD" "THAT YOUWANTEDME TO." "NOW, OBVIOUSLY, YOU DIDN'T, BUT I DIDN'T KNOW THAT." "AND IF I HAD NEVER TRIED," "I WOULD NEVER HAVE FORGIVEN MYSELF." "DOUG" "REALLY, I'M--I'M VERY EMBARRASSED ABOUT THIS, BUT..." "PLEASE KNOW THAT THIS WILL NEVER, EVER HAPPEN AGAIN." "NO, I KNOW." "I'M REALLY..." "AWFULLY FOND OF YOU, JAMIE." "I KNOW THAT." "AND MAYBE IN ANOTHER LIFE, UM" "[DING]" "IF I THOUGHT WE COULDN'T BE FRIENDS," "I WOULD REALLY HATE THAT." "MAYBE WE COULD PRETEND THIS NEVER HAPPENED" "I ALREADY TOLD PAUL." "WHAT?" "I TOLD PAUL ABOUT IT." "WHY?" "BECAUSE I DID." "OH, GREAT." "THE STAIRS ARE FASTER." "I BET HE WANTS TO KILL ME." "NO, HE DOESN'T." "I HOPE YOU CAN TELL HIM" "HI." "HI." "OH." "HI." "HI." "WELL..." "CAN ANYBODY THINK OF ANYTHING MORE AWKWARD?" "HONEY." "OH, ME?" "YES, YOU." "I WASN'T SURE." "LISTEN, I THINK IT'S" "[BRAKES SCREECH]" "I REALLY DON'T THINK" "YOU SHOULD SAY ANYTHING JUST NOW." "IF I" "AND I'M REALLY, REALLY SURE ABOUT THAT FOR YOU." "I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON BETWEEN THE TWO OF YOU." "THINK THAT'S PRETTY OBVIOUS." "THERE'S NOTHING GOING ON." "I REALLY WOULDN'T CALL IT NOTHING." "I SWEAR TO YOU, THERE'S NOTHING GOING ON." "LOOK HOW NICE YOU BOTH GET ALONG." "[ALARM BELL RINGS]" "HONEY, THE SECURITY GUYS COME IF THE ELEVATOR ST" "[RINGING STOPS]" "[DING]" "DO YOU WANT TO COME IN AND TALK FOR A MINUTE?" "NO." "I JUST WANT TO TALK TO DOUG FOR A SECOND." "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" "I'M JUST GOING TO TALK TO DOUG." "YOU MARRIED?" "NO." "EVER BEEN MARRIED?" "NO." "HMM." "BUT I KNOW THAT IT IS NOT EASY TO" "REALLY?" "YES." "AND I WANT TO SAY, PAUL, THAT I'M" "[BRAKES SCREECH]" "LISTEN, I KNOW THAT WHATEVER IS WRONG," "WHATEVER'S GOING ON WITH JAMIE AND ME," "THAT IS OUR PROBLEM." "WE WILL FIX IT." "THAT'S GOT NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU." "IT WAS WRONG, AND I APOLOGIZE TO BOTH OF YOU." "THAT'S VERY SWEET." "I MEAN THAT, PAUL." "I UNDERSTAND." "THAT'S AWFULLY CIVILIZED." "AT THE SAME TIME, I HAVE TO SAY TO YOU" "AND I MEAN THIS" "WITH NOTHING BUT RESPECT FOR YOU AS A PROFESSIONAL..." "IF YOU EVERTOUCH MY WIFE AGAIN" "I WON'T." "[ALARM BELL STARTS] I PROMISE." "[BELL STOPS]" "DID YOU THINK I WAS GOING TO HIT YOU?" "YEAH, I DID." "[DING]" "GOOD." "MURRAY, I TOLD YOU TO GO BEFORE WE LEFT." "DON'T GIVE ME THAT LOOK." "UM, MR. BUCHMAN." "HI." "YES." "PAUL." "HI, PAUL." "I'M JANE PAULEY'S ASSISTANT." "HI." "I SEE YOU BROUGHT A LITTLE FRIEND ALONG." "I HAD A SCHEDULING CONFLICT." "I DON'T USUALLY BRING A DOG TO AN INTERVIEW," "ESPECIALLY A JOB THAT I REALLY WANT." "I'M VERY EXCITED ABOUT THIS JOB." "9 OUT OF 10 INTERVIEWS, THERE'S NO DOG." "I'M ENTIRELY DOGLESS THROUGHOUT THE INTERVIEW," "NOT EVEN, LIKE, A PUPPY." "MR. BUCHMAN, I THINK YOUR DOG" "OOH." "OOH." "I BEGGED YOU TO GO BEFORE WE GOT HERE." "I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU DO THIS TO ME." "WHY MAURY POVICH?" "WHAT, ARE YOU KIDDING ME?" "YOU KNOW HOW TO DO THIS?" "WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?" "[SINGING]" "COME ON." "RIGHT ON THE CARPET?" "RIGHT BETWEEN DATE AND LINE." "YOU AIN'T GOING TO GET THAT JOB." "WHAT DID WE HAVE IN THAT LAST BAR?" "THE SPORTS BAR?" "NO." "BEFORE THAT." "YES." "THE STRIP CLUB?" "IT WAS A MAI TAI." "OW." "THAT WAS THE BIG MISTAKE." "BEST THING FOR THAT-- COLD BEER AND SOME KARAOKE." "THIS GUY'S SLEEPING ON MY COUCH-- 3:00 IN THE MORNING" "WATCHING FLIPPER IN HIS UNDERWEAR AND CRYING." "EXCUSE ME FOR HAVING EMOTIONS." "YOU GUYS EVER HAVE A MARRIAGE THAT FELL TO CRAP?" "YES." "YEAH." "ALL RIGHT, THEN." "SO SHUT UP." "WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE US TO DO TO MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER?" "I WOULD REALLY LIKE TO PUNCH SOMEBODY." "WHO--BERKUS?" "FOR STARTERS, YEAH." "YOU SHOULD HAVE." "WANT TO HIT ME?" "WHY?" "WHAT DID YOU DO?" "NOTHING." "IT'S JUST A RELEASE." "YOU'LL FEEL BETTER." "YOU WOULD LET ME HIT YOU?" "SURE." "IF IT HELPS YOU." "THANK YOU." "YOU WANT TO?" "NAH." "MAYBE LATER." "COME ON, NOW." "DO IT NOW." "REALLY?" "YEAH." "GO AHEAD." "GO AHEAD." "COME ON." "THAT'S NOT A HIT." "PAULIE, THAT'S NOT A HIT." "OW!" "THAT'S A HIT." "THERE YOU GO." "ME, ME." "WHAT ABOUT ME?" "YEAH!" "O.K., THERE." "NOW..." "NOW WE FEEL BETTER?" "NOT ONE OUNCE." "I WANT TO BE LIKE JAMIE." "I'D LIKE TO KISS SOMEBODY." "WANT TO KISS ME?" "YOU WOULD LET ME KISS YOU?" "SURE." "I DON'T WANT TO KISS YOU." "YOU'LL FEEL BETTER." "THAT HAS ZERO APPEAL TO ME." "I UNDERSTAND." "MAYBE LATER?" "MAYBE LATER." "O.K." "RIGHT THERE." "THAT'S A PERFECT EXAMPLE OF SOMEBODY" "THAT I WOULD LIKE TO KISS." "SO GO AHEAD." "YOU'D LET ME?" "SURE." "IF IT'LL HELP YOU." "YOU'RE SO GOOD TO ME." "WELL, YOU KNOW, I HATE TO NITPICK," "BUT KISSING SOMEBODY WOULDN'T MAKE YOU EVEN." "WHY NOT?" "BECAUSE JAMES DIDN'T KISS SOMEBODY." "SOMEBODY KISSED HER." "THE MAN HAS A POINT." "TECHNICALLY, SOMEBODY WOULD HAVE TO KISS YOU." "THEN I COULD TAKE HALF AN HOUR TO PUSH THEM AWAY," "PRETEND I DIDN'T ENJOY IT." "HEY, COME ON." "LET'S BE FAIR TO JAMIE." "THIS WAS A ONE-TIME THING, AN ISOLATED INCIDENT." "IT WAS A MOMENTARY LAPSE OF JUDGMENT, OF WEAKNESS." "IT'S NOT A CAPITAL CRIME." "IN EUROPE, THIS HAPPENS ALL THE TIME." "MM-HMM." "WHERE?" "IN EUROPE." "WHERE IN EUROPE?" "WHEREVER YOU WANT-- ITALY, FRANCE." "YOU DON'T THINK IN FRANCE THIS HAPPENS EVERY DAY?" "OH." "THE FRENCH DON'T CARE." "IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME." "EVERY DAY, EVERY MINUTE." "BINGO." "JUST HAPPENED." "A GUY IN MARSEILLES JUST GRABBED ANOTHER GUY'S WIFE" "RIGHT IN THE CROISSANT." "WHY CAN'T I DO THAT?" "BECAUSE THAT'S NOT YOU." "THESE PEOPLE ARE FRENCH." "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?" "ALL RIGHT." "WHAT ABOUT HER?" "WHAT ABOUT HER?" "WHAT IF SHE KISSED ME OUT OF HER OWN GOODWILL?" "YOU'D BE ONE LUCKY MAN." "HERE YOU GO." "HERE YOU GO, SWEETHEART." "WHAT IS YOUR NAME?" "SANDRA." "SANDRA, DO YOU KNOW IT'S MY BIRTHDAY TODAY?" "OH." "IS IT REALLY?" "YEP." "WELL, HAPPY BIRTHDAY." "SO, I TOOK A SHOT THERE." "DON'T MAKE US DRAG YOU OUT." "THAT'S THE DIFFERENCE-- I STOP AT THE LINE." "I DANCE UP TO IT, SKATE NEAR IT." "I DON'T GO OVER THE LINE." "MY WIFE CATAPULTS CLEAR ACROSS THE LINE." "JAMIE DOESN'T CATAPULT." "IF I HAD KNOWN, I WOULD'VE ENJOYED MYSELF BEFORE." "YOU FEEL GUILTY JUST LOOKING ACROSS THE LINE." "I HAVE NOTHING TO SHOW FOR MY GUILT." "I'M IN A LOSE-LOSE SITUATION." "YOU THINK YOU'RE THE FIRST COUPLE TO GO THROUGH THIS?" "FRAN AND I WENT THROUGH HELL." "TWO YEARS SEPARATED-- YOU WORK THROUGH IT, AND IT BECOMES BETTER." "IT'S LIKE A BROKEN BONE." "YOU RESET IT, AND SOMETIMES" "IT'S STRONGER THAN BEFORE YOU BROKE IT." "I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING THAT'LL MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER." "FRAN AND I WERE JUST MARRIED." "THERE'S THIS GUY IN FRAN'S OFFICE." "HE KEEPS CALLING HER AND CALLING" "NO, I'M SORRY." "NO, THAT WASN'T FRAN." "THAT WAS ANOTHER COUPLE-- THE KOPACKS." "THEY'RE FRIENDS OF OURS." "FRAN TOLD ME" "YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M SAYING?" "WORK THINGS THROUGH." "IT GETS BETTER." "MARK, YOU'RE GOING TO DEPRESS THE BOY." "WHOEVER ORDERED HANK WILLIAMS, YOUR SONG IS UP." "HERE WE GO." "IT'S OUR TURN." "JUST WHAT YOU NEED." "A RELEASE." "WHAT DO I NEED?" "I DON'T SING." "YOU DON'T HAVE TO." "JUST BE LOUD." "LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, HERE'S A LITTLE SONG FROM THE BIRTHDAY BOY." "THE LYRICS." "MAKE A FOOL OF YOURSELF." "NO, NO, NO." "* YOUR CHEATIN' HEART *" "* WILL MAKE YOU WEEP *" "I DON'T KNOW THESE GUYS." "* YOU'LL CRY AND CRY *" "* AND TRY TO SLEEP *" "* BUT SLEEP WON'T COME *" "* THE WHOLE NIGHT THROUGH *" "SING IT, PAUL!" "SING IT!" "* YOUR CHEATING HEART *" "* WILL TELL ON YOU *" "* WILL TELL ON YOU *" "* YOUR CHEATING HEART *" "CHEATING HEART, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!" "* WILL TELL ON YOU *" "JUST LIKE YOUR LITTLE SISTER!" "* YOU'LL CRY AND CRY *" "SOBBING, SOBBING!" "* THE WHOLE NIGHT THROUGH *" "THE WHOLE NIGHT THROUGH!" "[STAMMERS]" "SING IT LIKE HE DOES!" "* THE WAY I DO *" "CLOP, CLOP, CLOP, CLOP, CLOP!" "* YOUR CHEATING HEART *" "CHEATING HEART!" "* WILL TELL ON YOU *" "* WILL TELL ON YOU *" "* WILL TELL ON YOU *" "WILL TELL ON YOU." "[BARBERSHOP HARMONIES] * WILL TELL ON YOU **" "OH!" "THANK YOU!" "YES!" "THANK YOU!" "GOOD NIGHT!" "THERE YOU GO!" "VERY NICE, PAULIE." "OH, WOW!" "THAT WAS REALLY GREAT." "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" "THERE YOU GO." "YOU HAPPY NOW?" "NO." "THAT'S NOT WHAT I HAD PLANNED AT ALL." "RRR." "AAH-HA!" "OW!" "WOW, THAT HURTS." "WELL, THAT'S IT." "IT'S OVER." "IT'S BEEN A NICE CAREER." "I'LL SEE YOU LATER." "WHAT DO YOU GOT-- BUTTONS?" "YEAH." "READ ONE." ""BROCKWELL FOR MAYOR."" "READ IT AGAIN." ""BROCKWELL FOR MAYOR."" "READ IT AGAIN." ""BROCKWELL FOR MAYRO."" "YES." "I'M THE LAUGHINGSTOCK OF NEW YORK POLITICS." "IT'S NOT THAT BAD." "I THINK IT'S AN ENDEARING MISTAKE." "OH, LISTEN." "IRA HAD THE BEST IDEA." "WE'RE GOING TO BURT AND SYLVIA'S" "AND IRON OUT THE PARTY-CONFLICT THING." "WHO'S WE?" "WELL, THERE'S ME." "THERE'S SANFORD, O.K.?" "THERE'S BURT AND SYLVIA." "AND IRA." "AND ZIGGY." "AND YOU AND PAUL!" "LISA!" "DID YOU SAY ME AND PAUL?" "YEAH." "KIND OF." "NO." "I'M SORRY." "IT'S NOT POSSIBLE." "NOT NOW." "DON'T YOU WANT TO SEE PAUL?" "NO, I DON'T--I MEAN, I DO WANT TO SEE HIM," "BUT I AM NOT READY YET." "EVENTUALLY, YES, I WANT TO SEE HIM." "I MISS HIM VERY MUCH," "BUT, NO, I AM NOT READY RIGHT NOW." "I'M SAYING NO." "ARE YOU LISTENING?" "AAH!" "ALL RIGHT!" "THANKS." "[SYLVIA] WHERE'S JAMIE?" "WHY?" "IS THAT AN UNREASONABLE QUESTION?" "YOU'RE MARRIED TO THAT WOMAN." "YOU'RE HERE, SHE'S NOT." "SHE HAD TO, UM..." "SHE WAS SUPPOSED TO, UH" "YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED?" "FORGET IT." "I'M NOT THAT INTERESTED." "BELIEVE ME." "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" "WHY?" "MAKING COFFEE." "IF ZIGGY KLARIK IS COMING," "I WANT TO GIVE HIM SOME COFFEE." "YOU'RE GOING TO GIVE ZIGGY KLARIK SOME COFFEE?" "NO, YOU'RE NOT." "ZIGGY KLARIK DOESN'T DESERVE A CUP OF COFFEE!" "IT'S NOT THE GOOD COFFEE." "WHAT'S WITH YOU AND ZIGGY KLARIK?" "YEAH, WHAT HAPPENED?" "IT'S NOTHING." "FORGET IT." "IT'S A LONG TIME AGO." "TELL THEM ALREADY." "1954, A SALESMAN COMES INTO MY STORE" "WITH HIS NEW PRODUCT." "HE SAYS IT'S GOING TO SWEEP THE NATION." "IT'S A CIRCULAR THING." "IT'S TUBULAR, A CIRCULAR TUBE." "HE SAYS, "BURT, THIS IS GOING TO SWEEP THE NATION."" "SWEETIE, THE SHORT VERSION." "HE PUTS THIS TUBE AROUND HIS WAIST, AND HE STARTS TWIRLING." "A HULA-HOOP?" "THIS GUY BROUGHT YOU THE HULA-HOOP?" "THAT'S RIGHT." "WE MADE A DEAL FOR ME" "TO BE THE EXCLUSIVE HULA-HOOP DISTRIBUTOR IN THE TRISTATE AREA." "THE VERY NEXT DAY," "I GET A CALL FROM THIS GUY." "ZIGGY KLARIK OUTBID ME." "HE MAKES MILLIONS." "AND ME, EVERY TIME I SEE A HULA-HOOP," "I GET A PAIN RIGHT HERE." "DON'T EAT YOUR GUTS OUT." "IT WAS 40 YEARS AGO." "MEANWHILE, HE'S COMING INTO MY KITCHEN," "AND YOU'RE MAKING HIM COFFEE." "BECAUSE HIS SON IS GOING TO MARRY LISA." "FOR EVERYBODY'S SAKE, COULD YOU AND ZIGGY" "TRY TO WORK OUT A SOLUTION?" "WELL, THERE IS A SIMPLE SOLUTION." "HE CAN DROP DEAD." "[DOORBELL BUZZES]" "I THINK IT'S THEM." "THEM WHO?" "WHOEVER'S COMING WHO ISN'T US." "I GOT IT." "I'LL GO GET IT." "HI." "HI." "HI." "I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU TWO A MINUTE." "I'M SURPRISED YOU CAME." "I DIDN'T WANT TO." "LISA ASKED" "I WASN'T LOOKING FORWARD TO THIS, EITHER." "I KNOW." "ALL RIGHT, AS LONG AS WE'RE HERE..." "MY PARENTS DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THIS, SO" "AND THEY DON'T NEED TO KNOW, SO" "COULD WE PRETEND FOR THE AFTERNOON WE'RE STILL US?" "O.K." "GET THIS INSURED." "I KNOW A GUY." "WHAT'S THE NAME OF THAT GUY?" "SHE'S MARRYING KLARIKS." "YOU DON'T THINK THEY'RE INSURED?" "HOW DO I KNOW?" "HI." "JAMES." "LOOK WHO'S HERE." "HOW IS EVERYBODY?" "WE HAVE AN ANNIVERSARY AND ENGAGEMENT PARTY ON THE SAME DAY." "OTHER THAN THAT, WE'RE GETTING BY." "[DOORBELL BUZZES]" "THAT'S SANFORD AND HIS DADDY." "I'LL GET THAT." "BOY, THE RICH BUZZ LONG." "ENOUGH ALREADY." "WE HEAR YOU." "BY THE WAY..." "YOU LOOK VERY PRETTY." "THANK YOU." "YOU LOOK NICE, TOO." "ALL RIGHT, SHALL WE?" "BECAUSE I'VE GOT 15 MINUTES." "YOU EVER SEEN A WATCH LIKE THAT?" "NO, I WOULD IMAGINE NOT." "HONEY, WE TOOK A CHECKER CAB." "I SAT IN THE JUMP SEAT." "COOL." "ZIGGY KLARIK, THIS IS MY SISTER JAMIE." "HI." "WHAT'S YOUR NAME?" "JAMIE." "JAMIE." "HI, JAMIE." "HI, SANFORD." "WE TOOK A CHECKER CAB." "I HEARD." "THIS IS MY BROTHER-IN-LAW PAUL." "HI." "WHAT'S YOUR NAME?" "PAUL." "PAUL." "HI, PAUL." "TOOK A CAB?" "CHECKER." "AND THIS IS, UH, PAUL'S COUSIN IRA." "WHAT'S YOUR NAME?" "IRA." "IRA." "IRA." "AND THIS IS PAUL'S MOM SYLVIA." "IMPOSSIBLE." "WHAT?" "YOU CAN'T BE HIS MOM." "MAYBE HIS SISTER." "OH, MR. KLARIK." "HIS YOUNGER SISTER." "ALL RIGHT." "ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT." "QUIET." "WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?" "AND I BELIEVE YOU KNOW THIS MAN." "HELLO, BURT." "ZIGGY." "BEEN A LONG TIME." "UH-HUH." "YOU STILL GOT THAT 12,000 SQUARE FEET ON 8th AVENUE?" "THAT'S RIGHT." "SPORTING GOODS?" "YEP." "WHAT DID YOU CLEAR LAST YEAR?" "WE DID ALL RIGHT." "HA HA HA HA HA." "I'M SURE YOU DID." "UH, WHERE IS MRS. KLARIK TODAY?" "SHE COULDN'T BE HERE." "SHE HAD TO GO TO THE BEAUTY PARLOR..." "FOR AN ESTIMATE." "SO, ZIGGY, LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTION." "OOH, DAD, LET'S NOT." "HOW'S THE HULA-HOOP BUSINESS?" "COME ON--1954." "WHAT ABOUT IT?" "DON'T PRETEND LIKE YOU DON'T REMEMBER." "YOU SCREWED ME, KLARIK." "I SCREWED YOU?" "YEAH." "YOU SHOULD'VE UPPED YOUR PRICE." "I HAD A VERY FAIR PRICE." "SO I WAS MORE FAIR." "IS IT A CRIME TO BE MORE FAIR?" "I HAD A DEAL, YOU KNOW IT." "I KNOW NOTHING." "EXCUSE ME, GENTLEMEN." "I'M SORRY." "WE'RE HERE TO DISCUSS THE FUTURE, NOT THE PAST," "SPECIFICALLY, TWO WEEKS FROM NEXT SUNDAY-- THE 12th." "SO, IF--IF WE COULD EITHER MOVE THE ANNIVERSARY PARTY" "OR THE ENGAGEMENT PARTY" "[RASPBERRY] ENGAGEMENT PARTY." "THANK YOU, SWEETHEART." "TRUTHFULLY, UP UNTIL FIVE WEEKS AGO," "I THOUGHT MY SON WAS GAY." "DAD, DON'T START THIS AGAIN." "WHAT AM I STARTING?" "WHO AM I?" "I'M AN OLD-FASHIONED GUY." "TO ME, YOU'RE GAY." "ALL RIGHT." "WHY DON'T WE CUT TO THE CHASE?" "WHO'S GOING TO CHANGE THEIR PARTY DATE?" "HOW MUCH?" "HOW MUCH?" "HOW MUCH?" "HOW MUCH?" "HOW MUCH?" "YEAH." "GIVE ME A NUMBER." "A NUMBER?" "YEAH, A PRICE." "I GIVE YOU MONEY, YOU TAKE YOUR PARTY TO ANOTHER SUNDAY." "DAD-- ZIGGY!" "THAT'S ENOUGH." "IT REALLY IS." "JAMIE." "SORRY, LISA, THERE COMES A POINT." "MY PARENTS DON'T NEED YOUR DIRTY HULA-HOOP MONEY." "YOU CAN'T WALK INTO THEIR HOME, CRITICIZING AND DISPARAGING." "THEY'RE NOT AN APPLIANCE OR TOASTER." "THESE ARE PEOPLE." "YOU CAN'T PUT A PRICE ON 45 YEARS OF MARRIAGE." "YOU CAN'T JUST BUY THAT." "I'LL GIVE YOU $10,000." "[BOTH] SOLD." "MAY I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION, EVERYBODY?" "MAY I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION?" "WHY AREN'T YOU STANDING NEXT TO YOUR WIFE?" "BECAUSE I'M NOT." "MAY I HAVE EVERYBODY'S ATTENTION?" "I KNOW IT'S NONE OF MY BUSINESS." "GO STAND NEXT TO YOUR WIFE." "TABBOULEH?" "OHH!" "MAY I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION?" "I'LL GIVE YOU EACH 60 BUCKS FOR YOUR ATTENTION." "SUCKERS!" "I WOULD'VE GONE TO 80." "FIRST, LET ME SAY I AM SURE" "THAT YOU ARE AS SURPRISED AS I AM" "TO BE HERE TO TOAST MY SON'S ENGAGEMENT." "I THOUGHT FOR THE SURE THE KID WAS GAY." "MY SON SANFORD MET A WONDERFUL GIRL..." "DUMPED HER..." "AND THEN MET LISA, BUT I KID." "I KID." "AND I LOOK FORWARD TO THE NUTS AND BOLTS" "OF THE 218-PAGE PRE-NUP BEING HAMMERED OUT," "AND WE CAN ALL GATHER TOGETHER" "AT THE WEDDING TO SAY," ""GO FIGURE."" "AND SO NOW WE RAISE OUR GLASSES" "TO MY SON SANFORD" "HEAR, HEAR." "HEAR, HEAR." "AND TO HIS fiancée LISA." "ENJOY YOURSELVES!" "AND FOR GOD'S SAKE," "DON'T BREAK ANYTHING!" "AHH!" "YOU GOT TO COME TO MY CLUB NEXT WEEKEND," "AND THEN I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT DOOKIE BALL." ""DOOKIE BALL"?" "YEAH." "IT'S GOING TO SWEEP THE NATION." "HONEY, CONGRATULATIONS." "OH, THANK YOU." "I'M NOT FEELING GREAT." "I'M GOING TO GO." "DID YOU TALK TO HIM?" "THIS ISN'T THE TIME OR PLACE." "O.K., BUT AT LEAST COME SAY GOODBYE TO SANFORD." "THIS IS THE HAPPIEST DAY OF MY LIFE." "YOU GOT A GREAT GIRL THERE." "DON'T I THOUGH?" "HEY, SANFORD, JAMIE WANTS TO SAY GOODBYE." "I WISH YOU EVERY HAPPINESS." "THANKS." "AMEN." "THERE YOU ARE." "I'M SO GLAD YOU MADE IT." "WE WOULDN'T HAVE MISSED IT FOR THE WORLD." "I WANT TO TELL YOU" "IN THE END, MONEY MEANS NOTHING." "OH, I WOULDN'T SAY NOTHING." "IT MEANS SOMETHING, BUT VERY LITTLE COMPARED TO LOVE." "DAD, THAT'S TRUE." "BUT TRUST EVEN MORE THAN LOVE, DON'T YOU THINK?" "WHAT'S LOVE IF THERE'S NO TRUST?" "HMM, MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT." "TRUST ABOVE EVERYTHING." "YOU HEAR THAT, HONEY?" "APPARENTLYTRUST ABOVE EVERYTHING ELSE." "I'LL TALK TO YOU LATER." "WHERE YOU GOING?" "I DIDN'T SAY-- HE SAID IT." "DID I SAY SOMETHING WRONG?" "NO, NO." "SHE'S JUST..." "HEY, HEY." "YOU ARE SUCH A JACKASS." "I'M A JACKASS?" "YES." "FINE, SO LEAVE ME FOR ANOTHER GUY." "I'M NOT LEAVING YOU." "GOD!" "YOU'RE HITTING ME." "INTERESTING." "WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?" "I DON'T KNOW." "LET'S GO HOME AND TALK." "NO, I CAN'T." "I DON'T LIKE OUR HOME." "DO YOU WANT TO GO SOMEWHERE ELSE?" "NOT PARTICULARLY." "O.K., FINE." "WHERE YOU GOING?" "IF YOU DON'T WANT TO TALK-- WHO SAID THAT?" "YOU DID." "I DID NOT." "I JUST SAID, "DO YOU WANT TO TALK?"" "I DIDN'T LIKE THE WAY YOU SAID IT." "I'M SO TIRED OF NOT TALKING TO YOU." "THEN TALK TO ME." "HOW YOU DOING?" "I'M FINE." "I DON'T TRUST YOU ANYMORE." "IF YOU'RE NEVER GOING TO TRUST ME AGAIN" "DID I SAY THAT?" "NO, BUT" "STOP PUTTING WORDS IN MY MOUTH." "I'M SORRY." "THANK YOU." "GEEZ." "ALL RIGHT..." "GO--GO AHEAD." "GO AHEAD." "YOU DON'T TRUST ME ANYMORE..." "BECAUSE..." "BECAUSE?" "BECAUSE I--I KISSED ANOTHER MAN?" "YEAH." "THAT'S CERTAINLY NOT A PLUS, YOU KNOW." "THAT'S NOT SOMETHING THAT ENDEARS YOU MORE TO ME." "O.K., LISTEN TO ME." "I AM SO SORRY." "I COULD NOT BE MORE SORRY." "IF I HAVE TO APOLOGIZE" "EVERY DAY FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE," "THEN I WILL, O.K.?" "I AM THAT SORRY." "I THOUGHT YOU DID A VERY NICE JOB AT THE PARTY." "THANKS." "HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN ALL OF A SUDDEN?" "IT'S NOT ALL OF A SUDDEN." "WHY DO YOU THINK I KEPT SAYING WE NEED TIME TOGETHER?" "WHY I KEPT PUSHING FOR US TO GET AWAY TOGETHER?" "SOMETHING WAS GOING ON." "WITH BERKUS?" "WITH US." "THIS GUY IS NOT THE PROBLEM." "YOU KISSED HIM." "YOU KNOW?" "YOU KISSED HIM." "DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT'S LIKE FOR ME TO IMAGINE?" "THAT ANOTHER GUY'S LIPS WERE ON YOUR LIPS." "WHAT KIND OF KISS WAS THAT?" "YOU NEVER EVEN TOLD ME." "LIKE WHERE..." "WERE HIS HANDS?" "YOUR HANDS?" "STOP IT." "STOP IT." "WHAT WERE YOU DOING?" "REALLY, STOP IT." "PULLING HIM CLOSE TO YOU." "YOU REALLY WANT TO KNOW?" "YOU'RE DOING WHAT?" "HE LEANED IN-- I" "SHUT UP!" "SHUT UP NOW." "STOP ASKING ME ABOUT IT." "HOW DO I KNOW THAT THIS NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE?" "BECAUSE I'M TELLING YOU." "SO WHAT'S THAT?" "HONESTY'S YOUR STRONGEST PERSONALITY TRAIT RIGHT NOW?" "ACTUALLY, YES." "WHAT HAPPENED IN ALBANY?" "NOTHING HAPPENED IN ALBANY." "O.K., SAYS YOU." "I DIDN'T EVEN GET TO ALBANY." "I TURNED AROUND AND CAME BACK" "BECAUSE I WANTED TO BE WITH YOU." "WELL, I DON'T KNOW, YOU KNOW." "I JUST" "I JUST" "I JUST HATE THIS." "WHAT?" "I'M GOING TO BE 40, STANDING IN A PARK," "ASKING YOU QUESTIONS LIKE, "WHERE WERE THE GUY'S HANDS?"" "I MEAN, IT'S JUST SO" "IT'S JUST SO PEDESTRIAN." "WHO SAID WE'RE NOT PEDESTRIAN?" "I ALWAYS ASSUMED THAT YOU AND I" "WOULD BE IMMUNE TO THIS CRAP." "WELL, WE'RE NOT." "WHEN I STARTED WORKING SO HARD THIS YEAR" "AND PUT IN LONGER HOURS" "I ALWAYS SUPPORTED YOU." "YES, YOU DID." "I SAID GO DO WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO." "YES, YOU DID." "WHY?" "I BELIEVED IN, TRUSTED" "NO, BECAUSE YOU LIKED IT." "I LIKED YOU WORKING WITH THIS GUY?" "NO." "ME NOT BEING AROUND." "IT WAS O.K. FOR YOU TO NOT BE AROUND." "EVERYTHING WAS EVEN." "NOTHING WOULD BE YOUR FAULT." "WHAT WOULDN'T BE MY FAULT?" "WHATEVER IS WRONG WITH US" "HOWEVER MUCH WE DRIFT APART," "HOWEVER MUCH WE DON'T TALK." "WHEN DON'T WE TALK?" "COME ON." "IN THE LAST THREE MONTHS HOW MANY TIMES" "HAVE WE EATEN DINNER TOGETHER?" "HOW MANY TIMES" "HAVE WE DONE SOMETHING FUN ON A WEEKEND?" "WHEN DID WE LAST MAKE LOVE BECAUSE WE WANTED TO," "NOT BECAUSE IT WAS GOOD CLINICAL TIMING?" "TELL ME." "WHEN?" "I DON'T KNOW." "IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT OUT OF MARRIAGE?" "DON'T YOU THINK WE DESERVE BETTER?" "FIRST, I DON'T KNOW ANYBODY" "WHO TALKS MORE THAN WE DO." "I WOULDN'T WANT TO." "WE'RE TALKING, BUT NOBODY IS SAYING" "THE NASTY, OLD, UGLY TRUTH." "WHICH IS WHAT?" "THIS ISN'T WORKING." "I REACH OUT FOR YOU, YOU'RE NOT THERE." "I'M CERTAINLY NOT THERE FOR YOU." "YOU'VE BEEN WORKING" "I'VE BEEN WORKING." "YOU'VE BEEN WORKING." "WE'RE KILLING OURSELVES," "SAVING AND PLANNING, AND FOR WHAT?" "FOR THIS BABY THAT'S NOT COMING." "WE'VE BEEN TRYING A YEAR." "IT'S NOT HAPPENING." "IS THAT MY FAULT?" "NO, IT'S NOT." "GOD, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?" "IT'S LIKE YOU'RE A CHILD." "THANK YOU." "IS THAT WHAT YOU THINK I SAID?" "I'M NOT SAYING THAT!" "FINE." "ALL RIGHT." "IT'S JUST, YOU KNOW, IT'S NOT SOMETHING" "THAT MAKES ME FEEL PARTICULARLY SWELL, YOU KNOW." "I'M NOT EXACTLY DOING MY JOB IN THAT DEPARTMENT." "YOU WERE TESTED." "YOU'RE FINE." "SO WERE YOU." "YEAH, BUT COME ON." "WHAT?" "LET'S STOP KIDDING OURSELVES." "IF THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG, IT'S ME." "NO." "NO." "LOOK, THE TRUTH IS, YOU CAN ALWAYS HAVE KIDS," "WHEREAS I" "WHAT'S THAT MEAN?" "IT MEANS WHAT IT MEANS." "YOU CAN HAVE KIDS, SO IF I CAN'T," "THEN, FINE." "ALL RIGHT, FINE." "YOU'LL MOVE ON." "MOVE ON?" "YES, YOU'LL LEAVE" "LEAVE?" "YOU COULD." "THAT'S WHAT YOU THINK?" "IF I WAS IN YOUR PLACE," "AND IT'S MY ONE CHANCE TO FATHER A CHILD" "WELL, THEN SHAME ON YOU!" "SHAME ON YOU IF THAT'S WHAT YOU THINK OF ME," "THAT I WOULD LEAVE YOU?" "I'M NOT SAYING YOU WILL." "NO, BUT IF I DO, IN CASE I DO," "YOU GO FIND ANOTHER GUY," "AND WHY DON'T YOU LEAVE ME FIRST?" "MAYBE." "HOW CAN YOU DOUBT MY LOVE FOR YOU?" "BECAUSE I DO." "WELL, THEN, YOU KNOW WHAT?" "YOU WILL NEVER GET IT." "WHAT?" "YOU JUST" "IF YOU CAN'T HAVE KIDS, I CAN'T HAVE KIDS." "WHATEVER HAPPENS TO YOU HAPPENS TO ME." "WHATEVER HAPPENS HAPPENS TO US." "DO YOU NOT GET THAT BY NOW?" "I THOUGHT I DID." "I DON'T KNOW HOW TO BE A BETTER HUSBAND." "I REALLY DON'T," "AND I THINK I'M PRETTY DAMN GOOD." "YOU ARE." "THANK YOU." "AND..." "SO AM I." "YES, YOU ARE." "YES, OF COURSE." "I THINK WE'RE BOTH PRETTY DAMN GOOD." "AND YET, NOBODY HERE IS HAPPY." "I TOLD YOU." "WHAT?" "I TOLD YOU WHEN I MET YOU." "TWO PEOPLE..." "TOGETHER FOREVER" "IT'S NOT REALISTIC." "I THINK IT'S..." "I THINK IT'S TOO HARD." "YES, IT IS." "[BREATHES DEEPLY]" "YES, IT IS." "SO MAYBE THIS IS IT." "WE GAVE IT OUR BEST SHOT." "THIS IS AS FAR AS WE GOT." "IT'S A LOT FARTHER THAN MOST PEOPLE GET, YOU KNOW." "MAYBE." "REALLY?" "I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DO BETTER THAN THIS." "SO..." "SEW BUTTONS." "UM, WOULD YOU DO ME A FAVOR, AND..." "WOULD YOU TELL YOUR SISTER THAT I'M SORRY?" "I--I DON'T-- O.K." "AM I DREAMING?" "I'M SORRY." "I'M REALLY JUST SO SORRY." "YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE SORRY." "I'M THE ONE WHO HAS TO BE SORRY." "I JUST WANT YOU." "I LOVE YOU." "I JUST LOVE YOU." "I DON'T CARE HOW HARD IT IS." "I DON'T, EITHER." "I JUST REALLY-- I LOVE YOU..." "IS THE THING." "[TIMER TICKING]" "[DING]"