"Mother." "It becomes you, dear." "After all, if you're gonna work like a slave you might as well look it." "I am not a slave." "I enjoy cooking dinner for my husband and our guests." "Coquilles St. Jacques." "Prepared by a witch in the mortal way." "Not bad." "Of course, it's not ambrosia but it's quite good enough for Durwood." "What's the occasion?" "We are entertaining Mr. And Mrs. J. Earle Rockeford." "They are very rich and very social." "He's a client of McMann and Tate." "Why don't they have them for dinner?" "Because Louise Tate is out of town." "That's why we invited them here." "He's a very important man." "There are no important mortals, my darling." "You're wasting your time." "This one's important." "His ancestors came over on the Mayflower." "Rockeford?" "Rockeford..." "I don't recall seeing any Rockefords on the Mayflower." "Probably in steerage." "Mr. Rockeford has a very big account." "And Darrin might get it." "He loves Darrin's ideas." "I was right." "He did come over in steerage." "Honey, I'm home." "Where are you?" " In the kitchen." " Where else?" "Be right there." "Now, you've had your little joke." "So, Mother, before you leave, would you mind?" "Anything for you, darling." "Came home early to see if I could help." " Oh, what?" " Oh, censored." "What can I do to help?" "You could have done something five years ago by not proposing to her." "Mother, it's getting close to sock-it-to-you time." "Why resist temptation?" "Let me do it." "Perhaps a muzzle would quiet his mortal bark." " Now, Mother, Mother." "Darrin." " You..." "Now, now, please." "I'm sorry I dropped in." "That makes it unanimous." "Darrin, I don't think you should have said that." "Why not?" "She's gone, isn't she?" "Oh, Darrin." "Won't you ever learn?" "Well, that was a splendid dinner, Mrs. Stephens." " First-rate, I'd call it." " Thank you." " And to think you did it all by yourself." " That's right." "You poor dear." "How long have you been without help?" "Oh, quite some time now." "Well." "Well, now that the amenities are over I suppose we may as well just get right down to cases." "Exactly how I feel." "As you probably know I am the president and chairman of the board of the Burning Oak Country Club." "No, I wasn't aware of that." "Well, now you know." "And as you also probably know we don't just take anybody into the club." "No." "What's the point of having a club if you're not going to be exclusive?" "Yes." "There's so little breeding in the world today." "Stephens, I have a feeling that you're the kind of man that would fit in at Burning Oak." "That's very flattering." "Meant to be." "Of course, the board will have to pass you but I don't see any trouble there." " No." "That's because Earle is the board." "Darrin, you're a lucky young man." " Sam, you should be proud of him." " I always have been." "There are only two things you have to do, young man." "Take a deep breath and say yes." "As I said before, it's a great honour." " I agree." " But I'd like to think about it." "What's that you say?" "I have the feeling that Samantha and I aren't quite up to rubbing elbows with the Burning Oak set." "Are you trying to say that you're too good for Burning Oak?" "No." "No, he wasn't saying that at all." "Let him do the saying." "I didn't mean that." "What I am saying is that I'm not sure we're ready." "Darrin's been working very hard, Mr. Rockeford." " He's tired." " So am I." " Well, time to go." "It's late." " It's only 9:30." " Hortense, I said it was late." " Yes, dear." "And I thank you for a lovely dinner, my dear." "You're very welcome." "Too bad about Burning Oak, Stephens." "You would have made a fine caddy." "Mr. Rockeford, about that little business matter." "Now..." "You will hear from us, Tate, in the not-too-distant future." "But, Mr. Rockeford, I'll call you tomorrow." "Larry, Larry, think before you speak." "I have been thinking." "Of all the stupid, childish, idiotic things to do!" "We were just about to wrap up the account." "Why?" "Larry, all I asked was a little time to think about it." "In our business we don't have time to think." "If I thought my turning down Burning Oak would blow the deal..." "Well, It has." "And speaking of blowing, it's time to go." " It's late." " Nine-thirty, Late?" "It's later than you think, Darrin." "Thanks for the dinner, Sam." "You're welcome." "I think." "I've been thinking, honey." "Maybe I was too rough tonight." "Well, the Rockefords did come on pretty strong." "I can't help feeling that in his own snobbish way, Mr. Rockeford was trying to help me." "So, tomorrow I'll apologize both to Larry and Mr. Rockeford." "Well, maybe that is the best way." "Can't do any harm to give Burning Oak a chance." "It may turn out that we like the people very much." "I'll handle the situation first thing in the morning." "Good night, honey." "Hi, Larry." "Good morning, Stephens." " Stephens?" "That's me." " I." "I." "Larry, I've been doing some thinking lately." "So have I." "And I've come to a decision." "I want to apologize to Mr. Rockeford." "You already have." " I have?" " I knew you would, so I did it for you." "Just a minute, Larry." "If anyone apologizes for me, it's me." " I." " Yeah, I." "I can do my own apologizing." "You're about to get that golden opportunity." "Rockeford was so taken by your apology that he invited us to play golf with him at Burning Oak Country Club this afternoon." "Larry, I have a full calendar." "I thought you'd learned that no one says no to J. Earle Rockeford." "Besides, there's a little matter of a discussion about the account." "Larry, I prefer talking business in a business atmosphere." "And Rockeford prefers talking business in the atmosphere of his club." "And that's the atmosphere we're going to talk in." "Oh, hi, what are you doing home?" "I'm playing golf at Burning Oak with Mr. Rockeford and Larry." " Good." "Then everything went fine." " I have my reservations." " Excuse me while I change." " Certainly." "Hello?" "Oh, hello, Mrs. Rockeford." "Yes, we enjoyed it too." "Lunch, today?" "At the club?" "They do?" "Oh, why, yes, I'd love to." "One 'o clock." "I'll be there." "Bye." "Sweetheart?" "You're not the only one going to Burning Oak." "Mrs. Rockeford has invited me to lunch." "She wants me to meet some of her friends." "Great." "How about a sitter for Tabitha?" "I'll get Aunt Hagatha." "She said that these friends of hers were were ladies on the screening committee." "Well, that's just routine." "To become a member, you have to be screened." "Sounds like something they do to keep the flies out." "Who are they trying to keep out?" "Honey, you're just being oversensitive." "Well, if they don't like flies, they certainly won't like witches." "They'll love you." "A priceless performance by featherhead up there." " Meaning what?" " Meaning that he's reduced you to hobnobbing with the snobs at Burning Oak Country Club." "Mother, Darrin doesn't like the idea any more than I do." "It's just good business tactics." "Besides, he feels badly about being rude to Mr. Rockeford last night." "Rubbish." "He's thrilled to death." "And in no time, he'll be out-snobbing the snobs." "You're wrong, Mother." "Darrin cannot be intimidated." "He's his own man." "He couldn't have made a worse choice." "Mother, I'll give you just three seconds." "One will do." "Good." "Within the moment we shall see what a snob this clod can be." "Stephens, you're Burning Oak material." "Yeah, you know, I can't tell you how much better I feel about your change of attitude." " I just needed time to think it over." " How do you like the course so far?" " We love it." " Quite adequate, in my opinion." "What's wrong with it?" "It has potential." "In time, with the right thinking, it could be the finest club in the country." "In my opinion, it already is the finest club in the country." "My opinion exactly." "Sorry, Larry." "You have no frame of reference." "Too many years under public links." "This young man may have something." "After all, he has got a head on his shoulders, eh?" " This is delicious." " Well, it's our pleasure, dear." " We just wanted to get to know you." " Oh, we did, indeed." "I'm only sorry that we didn't seem to find any friends in common." "Please, don't be sorry." "We've been hoping, just a wee bit of hoping that you might know the Vandergrifts." "No, Darrin and I don't know the Vandergrifts." "Darrin, this is your husband?" "Yes." "He works for an advertising company." " Works?" " Sure." "That's how we eat." "But it's just that at Burning Oak, our husbands are the company." "I guess that's what makes Burning Oak so exclusive." " And empty." " Yes." "Yes, we like it that way." "You see, we try not to let any undesirables slip in." " Do you know Dr. Hafner?" " Who?" "Dr. Hafner, the plastic surgeon." "He does wonderful nose work." "No, I don't know him." "Let's have coffee in the card room." "I'm sorry, Hortense." "I have my bridge game." "And I must get back to my housework." "You poor dear." "You've lost your help." "Well, yes, in a way." "My help is lost until I get back home." "Hortense, darling, I can't thank you enough for the lunch and meeting the charming Mrs..." " Stephens." "It was wonderful to meet you." "I wish I could spend more time with you but I'm late already for my couturier." " By all means, don't let me keep you." " Good bye, all." " Good bye." "I've been meaning to tell you, Mrs. Stephens." "That's a very amusing little frock you're wearing." "Did you make it yourself?" "No, I had my couturier run it up." "It's lovely." "And who is your man?" "Oh, it isn't one man." "It's two." "They call themselves Sears and Roebuck." " Hi, sweetheart." " Hi, darling." "How'd you do with the ladies?" "Sorry I didn't meet them." "Sorry I did." "That Jessica Morton, carrying on about her couturier asking me if I made my own dress." "I could have turned her into a worm." "And it wouldn't take much turning." "Sweetheart, no witchcraft, not at Burning Oak." "Which reminds me, we should be thinking about moving." " What's wrong with our house?" " It's not the house." "It's the neighbourhood." "If we moved closer to Burning Oak then you could be close to your friends and get to know them." "Darrin, you're tired." "Why don't you lie down and take a nap?" "I'm sure you'll feel better by dinnertime." "I'm fixing your favourite." "Corned beef and cabbage." "My taste buds just don't relate to that sort of thing." "Just what do they relate to?" "I was thinking in terms of chateaubriand." "Or perhaps lobster Newburg, with caviar as an appetizer." "We're fresh out of that stuff." "Well, I don't mean here." "I was talking about dinner at the club." "You mean we're having dinner at Burning Oak?" "Rockeford invited us." "Well, I'll have to get Aunt Hagatha back to baby-sit." " Fine." "It'll be black tie, of course." " Of course." "I do hope you have something appropriate to wear." "I'll run up something." "While we're on that subject, Mrs. Morton has a point." "You ought to see a good couturier." "Oh, no." "And when you do, take Tabitha." "Mother." "Oh, Mother, you're a stubborn witch." "Now, I know you've put a spell on Darrin so you get here and undo it, pronto." "Aunt Hagatha, what are you doing here?" "You called for me to come and sit with Tabitha." "Have you forgotten?" "Sorry." "Do you know where Mother is?" " Oh, I've no idea." " Terrific." " Is something wrong?" " Everything's wrong." "You name it, and it's wrong." "Maybe I can help." "After all, if a witch can't help who can?" " Mother put a spell on Darrin." "She turned him into a snob." "Now he's out-snobbing the super-snobs of all time." "Of all time." "Aunt Hagatha, maybe there is a way you can help." " Is it evil?" " Yeah." "Now first, find out if Aunt Bertha can baby-sit." "I'm gonna give you a list of names and I want you to check the backgrounds of each one carefully." "Go back three..." "No, four generations." "Now, I'll be at the Burning Oak Country Club, so as soon as you get..." "About membership." "Earle, how far back do you go?" "In the screening, I mean." "We look a man up, and then we check on his family and immediate background." "Yes, we don't want any undesirables slipping through." "So I hear." "But do you think that's enough?" "I mean, wouldn't it be better to go back maybe three or four generations?" " Do tell." " Good thinking, Sam." "You never know what you'll find in a person's background." "Stephens is quite right." "We must protect the club for the true-blue, purebred American." "Exactly." "Here's my thought." "From my brief observation you've let too many, you know not our kind of people into the club." "My goodness." "The membership needs a thorough shakedown." "From then on, there'll be a lot more elbow room, for let's say..." "Mother, where have you been?" "I'm sorry, darling, but I was picketing this new movie about witches." "It makes us appear quite evil, you know?" "If the shoe fits..." "Why, Samantha, I'm surprised." "Don't you have any social conscience about our people?" "I have plenty of social conscience about these people." "Relax, darling." "I've had my fun." "Now, Mama will take care of everything." "I stopped by just after you left, and Hagatha told me what you wanted." "I think this will take care of your snobs." "See?" "Marvellous." "Yes, indeed, it will." "Now, Mother, you take the spell off Darrin." "Please?" "While you're at it, turn the time back a bit." " I'd like to get a running start." " Very well, Samantha." "For you, not him." "Here." "Just a minute." "Now." "Begone the hex from dreary Dum-Dum." "Enough is enough, it's getting humdrum." "Stephens is quite right." "We must protect the club for the true-blue, purebred Americans." "Exactly." "Here's my thought." "From my brief observation, you've let too many you know, not our kind of people into the club." "My goodness." "The membership needs a thorough shakedown." "After that, there'll be a lot more elbow room for the common people." " What did he say?" " Is this your idea of a gag?" " Well..." " Yes, Mr. Rockeford, it is." "Darrin was just putting you on a bit." "He wanted to find out exactly what your membership requirements really are." "That's it." "I think." "You gave us quite a start there." "The truth is screens work both ways." "They keep things in and out." "And Darrin and I have decided to stay out of Burning Oak." "Young lady, I don't know what you're up to but I must say, I do not find it amusing." "I do." "Mr. Rockeford, it's true." "Your heritage does go back to the Mayflower." "An Irishman named Toodles Rockne was a stowaway on the Mayflower." "Illegally in this country." "Well, you see, as Toodles..." "How did you know that?" "Because I belong to the greatest minority there is." "I'm a witch." "I think this is in extremely bad taste." "Mr. Morton, your grandfather came here from Poland and spent a good deal of his time in jail." "He couldn't even make it as a horse thief." "Don't move too far, Cynthia." "Does the name Moishnev ring a bell with you?" "Oy vey." "Whatever that means." "I think we all know that there's no such thing as a purebred American." "Unless it's the Indian." "And an American Indian could never get in here." "Is there anything you'd like to add, Darrin?" "Yes." "It's late." "You're right." "It's 9:30." "I heard from Larry." "We've got the Rockeford account, and the screens are off at Burning Oak." "I didn't think those kind would ever change." "Well, they did, and so did Mother." "She's about to make a formal apology for what she did to you." "The reason that I'm not furious at your mother is that I wouldn't have missed the fire you lit under Burning Oak for anything." "They're probably calling it Smouldering Stump by now." "You were wonderful." "If you weren't my wife, I'd ask you to marry me." "Samantha, I'm ready." "Here comes your apology." "Come on." "Look." "She's gonna write it 100 times." "Good." " Oh, brother." " Oh, Mother."