"(Birds tweeting)" "(Stereo) ♪ There's a bright golden haze on the meadow" "♪ There's a bright golden haze on the meadow" "♪ The corn is as high as an elephant's eye" "♪ And it looks like it's climbin'" "♪ Clear up to the sky" "♪ Oh, what a beautiful morning" "♪ Oh, what a beautiful day" "♪ I've... ♪" "Oh, Kevin, there you are!" "Listen, the deal is this, Kev." "You're gonna paint and wallpaper a couple of bedrooms and I'm gonna present you with a fabulous French carriage clock." "What do you mean does it go?" "Of course it goes." "What?" "It's worth 500 quid, Kevin!" "What do you mean you can't need a clock?" "(Laughs)" "Kevin, please..." "Kevin?" "Kevin?" "!" "(Sighs)" "♪... brown maverick who's winking his eyes... ♪" "(Music stops abruptly)" "(Toaster pops up)" "(Drilling)" "What the hell are you doing up there?" "Morning." "What the hell are you doing over there?" "I've got a washing machine full of T-shirts in here!" "This is what comes of privatisation, I suppose!" "Are you Frederick Arthur Haig Montgomery Wavell Reeve?" " Who?" " Freddy the Phone ring a bell?" "My name is Mrs. Neighbour." "Yes, yes, as in love thy or Ramsey Street." "I'm a bailiff acting on behalf of the high sheriff and I have here two High Court writs of fieri facias." "(Giggles)" "No, no, I'm not joking." "In respect of a High Court judgment against Fredrick Reeve and on behalf of the Inland Revenue," "I'm here to restrain goods to the value of £108,000 and 16 pence." "£108,000 and 16 pence?" "You have definitely come to the wrong place." "You interrupted me." "I was on the telephone." "The second writ is for the repossession of this property for non-payment of the mortgage." "Anything to say?" "Anything to say?" "You bet I've got something to say!" "£108,000?" "Are you Mr. Reeve or his representative?" "No!" "I am not Mr. Reeve and I am not his representative!" "I am merely looking after his house." "I am house-sitting." "Now what about this fella over here and this fella up here, eh?" "All right, then, sunshine." "What's your name?" "Lovejoy." "What's yours?" "No Lovejoy here." "Certainly not a poll-tax payer." "Not on the electoral register neither." "Not even a library ticket." "Not even a registered motor vehicle." "Only a Freddy Reeve." " That's mine." " Got the MOT, Lovejoy?" "Here, this place is full of old rubbish." "Excuse me, but that old rubbish happens to be antique rubbish and it happens to be mine!" "Now get out of there!" "I thought you said you were house-sitting." "Oh, yeah, I am but, I mean, that doesn't preclude a little commercial enterprise on the side, does it, Mrs. Neighbour?" "Providing it's below the tax threshold, of course." "If it's yours, then you'll have receipts for it, no doubt." "Proof of purchase, checkbook stubs, that kind of thing." "Well, yeah, I do but I can't put my hands on them at the moment." "Tick, tock." "Tick, tock." "Tick, tock." "I'd say he stole it, Mrs. Neighbour." "Nice motor, mind." "Mr. Lovejoy, Mr. Reeve's been given adequate warning." "What did you do with all those recorded-delivery letters we sent you?" "I ate them!" "What do you think I did with them?" "I redirected them." "To what address?" "A post office box in Antarctica, was it?" "Six minutes left." "I think they're really gonna go through with this." "It's a lovely day for it." "Kumar!" "Kumar!" "Lovejoy, how are you?" "I haven't seen you for ages." "A bit gloomy, Mr. Kumar." "A bit gloomy." " How's the family?" " All fine." "Come for your key?" "You guessed it." "Jasi, go and get Lovejoy his key." "Number 12." "(Speaks in Punjabi)" "Let me see." "I think there is a little bit of rent outstanding." " Really?" " Yes. £200 to be exact." "Really?" "Mr. Kumar, this could be your lucky day." "I just happen to have here a carriage clock that if it's worth 400 quid, it's worth a penny." "If you were to square away the rent and give me £100 out of the till," "I'd call it even Steven." "Even Steven, yes, but no 100." "Mr. Kumar, we are talking quality here." "I mean, this is beautiful." "Ask your wife." "It comes from a very, very famous French clockmaker." "And this came from a very famous American university." "Do you mind?" "Everyone should get themselves one of these places." "Tucked away." "(Whispers) No one knows you're here." "Emergency rations." "Well, you could call them disaster supplies, which, for one reason or another, mostly to do with insurance claims, have had to go off the radar for a couple of years." "Oh, yes." "My Bukhara carpet." "It was my Bukhara carpet." "Ah, my Goya engraving of one of the disasters of war." "That's ironic, isn't it?" "Oh, I knew she wouldn't let me down!" "(Doorbell rings)" "I'll get it, Janey." "Yes." "Can I help you?" "Er... yes." "I'm looking for Jane." "Is she home?" "Oh." "Oh, who shall I say called?" "I mean..." "Lovejoy, how are you?" "How was the trip?" "Back so soon?" "Peter, this is Lovejoy." "Lovejoy, this is the honorable Peter Felsham." "Alex's uncle." "He and his wife are staying for a few days." "How do you do?" "I expect you've come to collect your house keys, have you?" "They're in the car." "Jane was looking after my king cobra." "Nice to have met you." "And you." " What on earth's happened?" " I have lost the lot." "The bailiffs reunited Freddy the Phone with the Inland Revenue." "They took the house, the stock." "They took everything!" "That's dreadful!" "So I thought I could stay with you for a couple of days." "You can't, Lovejoy." "I'm sorry." "They're staying until Wednesday." " Lovely day, isn't it, Janey?" " (Laughs) Yes!" "Oh, you poor dear." "This is terrible!" "What on earth can I do?" " Break open your piggy bank?" " Please, Lovejoy..." "Might go out for a spot of lunch later." "Yes." "Do you not want some money?" "I thought maybe I could borrow the car for a couple of days." "You can't." "They came by train." "I need it to run them around in." "You can borrow my old bike." "It's in the stables." "I'll see you the moment I can get away." "Yes, I'll bring the white mice round later." "Nasty things snakes, Lovejoy, you know." "I remember once when I was in India, under canvas, of course, we were outside a little town called..." "Oh, what was it called now?" "This is plunder!" "They're absolute Visigoths!" "Absolute what?" "Visigoths." "The desecrated Greece and sacked Rome in 410." "Oh, right, those Visigoths!" "So what you're trying to tell us is that we're ruined." "Absolutely ruined!" "I'm not trying to tell you, Eric, I am telling you." "I don't live there any more." "They took the lot." "And, what's more, they did it in the name of the law." "Janey must have had £3,000 worth of furniture stored in that place and the rest of it must have been worth six." "And why didn't you call her?" "She could have pulled 'em out of there with her contacts." "Because they cut the phone, you pillock!" "By the time I got to her place, the stuff could have been anywhere." "What about our partnership?" "What's gonna happen to that?" "I'd say you were worth 2.5 grand less than you were worth yesterday." " Still want your shares, Eric?" " But I'm brassic, Lovejoy!" "Gentlemen, I think this calls for another drink." "(Sighs)" "I mean, I've only got the Harley." "I mean, Tinker can punt this lot out if he gets strapped for cash." "This is my modernist collection." "It's taken years to gather this lot together." "I thought you bought it new." "It's my only tenuous hold on reality in an increasingly insane world." "Oh, I must say, I do crave the old Ottoman now and again." "You'll get it all back, Eric." "It always comes around again." "It always does." "Just a question of getting out there and starting again." "Had a sniff of anything?" "Tink?" "Do you remember Bernard, the warden of the old folks' home?" " Mm." " Oh, yeah..." "No, no, no." "Hang on." "Last night in the pub," "I heard he's trying to shift a piece of French furniture belonging to an old resident of his." "The deal is fifty-fifty." " Fancy a shoofty?" " We need all the shoofty we can get." "11 o'clock tomorrow morning?" "(Dial tone)" "(Woman) Diga." "Buenos dias." "Senor Freddy el Teléfono, por favor." " No." "Mr. Freddy no esta." " No aqui?" "He go to Gibraltar for a few days." "Pero puede dejar un mensaje si quiere?" "Huh?" "Mensaje?" "Oh, yes." "Yes, I'd like to leave a mensaje." "Er..." "Senor Lovejoy..." " Lovejoy?" " Yes, he should call Senor Lovejoy." "Inglaterra. 0831283496." "283496." "Muchas gracias." " Adios." " Adios." "No hay de que." "There you go." "Oh, you spoil me, you do, Mrs. Park." "It's my pleasure, Lovejoy." "(Giggles)" "(Engine splutters)" "We've had some real dingbats in here." "You've heard about the stuffed wolf, haven't you?" " Stuffed wolf?" " Yeah." "A couple of months ago, an old geezer bought this stuffed wolf in with him." "About four foot high." " What, the geezer?" " No, the wolf." "Oh." "Well, he put it in the corner of his room and the central heating dried it out so much, the skin split open and guess what there was inside?" " Go on." " Little Red Riding Hood?" "(Laughs) Little Red Riding..." "Hello, lads." "Bernard, sorry I'm late." "Hello, Lovejoy." " It's a commode." " Yeah." "Tinker, you brought me all the way down here to look at a commode?" "But this is no ordinary commode, Lovejoy." "This is Napoleon's commode." "Look at the N." "Cruel irony, Tick." "I haven't got a pot to piss in and all you come up with is an antique French loo." "(Tick) Psst!" "It looks as if it's made by Bullock and has an excellent provenance." "Something small, dark and petrified, no doubt." "Sounds like you, Lovejoy!" "(Laughs)" "Thank you, Eric." "Most 18th- and 19th-century French furniture has the Imperial N on it." "Napoleon has supposedly slept in, sat on and eaten off half the furniture in France." "I think we should have a chat with Monsieur Brogni." "Brogni?" "Are you kidding?" "He's mad!" "Well, he knows a damn sight more about Napoleon than you do, Lovejoy." "Er..." "Mr. Norman, the geezer it belongs to, reckons that his great-grandfather was a regimental carpenter on the island of Saint Helena." "It's where Napoleon died." "It's in the Atlantic." "That was in history and geography, eh, Eric?" "After Napoleon died, Mr. Norman's great-grandfather was given his commode and he brought it back to England." "Been in the family ever since, according to him." "Bernard, I could have made that up." "Anyway, it has no thunder bowl, which knocks the value flat." "But if you're so keen, Eric, offer him 25 quid." " Me?" " 25 qui..." "You're joking!" " I want at least a ton out of it." " A ton?" "I tell you what, I'll meet you halfway." "Cash?" "Nice doing business with you, Bernard." "Excuse him, Bernard." "To rack up the value, we need a potty." "Any ideas?" "It'd have to be custom-made." "It could have been Angela, if it hadn't been for her conditional discharge!" "I'll try and tempt her but I'll need a float." "So do we." "We're going to a house clearance." " What's this?" " Hm?" "Oh, this is my semi-new, semi-automatic truck." " You mean you paid for this?" " Yeah." "(Laughs) Well, as long as you didn't pay more than 100, you'll be all right, I suppose." "I did." "That's why I need a float." "If I get a move on, I'll be in time to sign on at the dole." "Thank you." "(Tinker) "It's old but is it an antique?" We ask ourselves." "(Laughter)" "When you've done that, we'll write your husband's name on the front." " Angela!" " Furniture's in room eight, Lovejoy!" "Oh, look." "Royal Worcester sauce boat." "I bet the VA can't wait to get their hands on that, hey?" "An owl." "Symbol of ignorance." "And wisdom." "This is a pit stop, I take it?" " You haven't come to enrol." " No, it's not a pit stop." "Excuse me, excuse me." "It's more of a... full service." "You'll see what I mean." "Et voila!" "N for Napoleon but, alas, no potty." "Story of your life, Lovejoy." "What do you want?" "White Stone stamp, Wedgwood?" "The whole to be suitably distressed, of course." "Might I suggest a little spider-web crazing to the interior?" "Anyone overhearing you would swear you were a professional." " Amateur." " Angela..." "I don't indulge any more." "When somebody asks you to copy something, then flogs it as genuine, then tries to land you in it when they get collared, that is not my idea of trust." "(Whispers) I did warn you about Mr. Petrosi." "No scruples at all." "Look, I nearly lost my job, let alone the best part of 400 quid." "Oh, Angie..." "You could be looking at partial salvation." "25 for starters... a very large drink when it's sold and silence to the grave." " It might take me ages." " I've got all night." " You haven't got a spare room, have you?" " Yes, I have." "But it's got two of my spare kids in it." "Where are you living these days, Lovejoy?" "Oh, here and there." "Well, the Felshams are still around for a few days, otherwise..." " I'm afraid..." " Janey, it's best this way." "Thanks." "(Tuts) This is a disaster, Lovejoy!" "This is all your stuff!" "You can't let this happen to you without putting up a fight." "I haven't got much choice, have I?" "Look, why don't I buy the best pieces back for you?" "I should be doing that for you but, you know, Janey..." "I just don't care about any of it." "What I care about is the fact that we may all go our separate ways and drift apart and I couldn't bear that." "(♪ Ragtime piano)" "All right, Lovejoy." "Just tell me where to put my 50p in, will you?" "Janey, you underestimate me." "♪ The shadow of your smile" "♪ When you are gone" "♪ Will color all my dreams" "♪ And light the dawn ♪" "Lovejoy..." "Lovejoy, I never knew." "(As Bogard) "Stick around, kid." "You learn something new every day."" ""Play it again, Sam."" "I don't know that one." "It's incredible." "It's perfect." "How did you knock it out so quick?" "I didn't." "A Mrs. Anderson made it last year." "It started off life as a fruit bowl but somehow wandered off course." "She was too embarrassed to take it home." "We keep the loo brush in it in the ladies'." "I tried to see if it would fit and it did." "Did you pick out the cracks with cold tea?" "That's something known only to me and the head of chemistry at the poly." "It's nice to know your brush with the law has not diminished your talent." "Let's get one thing straight." "It's not mine." "I didn't make it." "Lovejoy, you do understand that?" "You promised me silence to the grave." "Your very words." "Do not be so melodramatic, Angela." "(French accent) They would have to kill me first." "Yeah, you said that last time." "Monsieur Brogni." "Ah, bonjour." "Je m'appelle Jane Felsham, Lovejoy Antiques." "(Man) Vous etes anglaise?" " Yes, I am English." " We speak in English." "Comme vous voulez." "I understand that you're an expert on Napoleon artefacts." "No, madaml I'm not merely an expertl" "I am the world's greatest expert on Napoleon Bonaparte." "What is it you wish to ask?" "First, let me tell you one thing." "If your question is long, I would prefer you to write to me because, naturally, I have a tariff." "I cannot give opinions free over the phone." "It is my metier, my job." "Do you understand what I mean?" "What a mercenary!" "He wants paying to answer long questions!" "(Tuts)" "Monsieur Brogni, all we wanted to know was if you still purchased articles which had previously belonged to Napoleon Bonaparte." "Purchase?" "Of course, I purchase." "I have the finest collection of genuine artefacts in the whole world." " What is it you wish to sell me?" " A commode." "A commode?" "Only a commode?" "I have an apartment full of commode." "J'en ai jusqu'a la, les commodes!" "You know it was the English who murdered Napoleon Bonaparte." "Do you know that?" "They gave him arsenic in little doses until he died." "It is your ancestors, madam, that are responsible for it." "It was the crime of the centuryl" "Now he's accusing the English of murdering Napoleon with arsenic." "You're right, Lovejoy." "The man's completely unstable." "I think we should put it up for auction." "Janey, excuse me." " Monsieur Brogni, listen, we want..." " Who am I speaking to?" "This is Lovejoy." "We want to know if you're interested in looking at this piece from Saint Helena with a view to purchase it." "Saint Helene?" "You have a piece that witnessed that despicable crime?" "Yes, well, of course, I'm interested, if the piece is genuine." "I'm coming to England in a couple of days." "Please give me your number." "(Jane) 044937265." "There is, of course, the small matter of a fee of 500 francs for the consultation but I may waive it, if the commode is genuine and I purchased it." "I'll call you as soon as I get there." "Au revoir, monsieur." "He's off his chomp!" "That's what you get for eating over 200 kinds of cheese!" "(Giggling)" "Your friend, whoever she is, has certainly done a remarkable job, Lovejoy." "Mmm." "I'm sure it would convince most people but I don't know about Brogni." "What do you mean you don't know about Brogni?" "Especially with this "Made in Taiwan" label on the bottom." "What do you mean?" "(Screams)" "Cor!" "What a pong!" "That's terrible!" "You'll stink the whole place out with that." "That's as maybe, Eric, but this is your London cement." "Boil a piece of Gloucester cheese three times in water, then take what's left and mix with quicklime." "I'm not sure they perfected the epoxy resin formula in the 18th century, Eric." "Now, then, who hasn't got the shakes?" "I've done it before." "You do it." "Look, I don't know why we're bothering with all this." "Eric, if this potty had been bust in Saint Helena, where were you?" "Eh?" "You were 5,000 miles away from the nearest shop." "In those days, pottery was so valuable that you had no choice but to stick it back together again and this is exactly how they would have done it." "Now, then, hold them together." " And don't move." " Right." "If I was being really authentic, I should have used old Camembert." "I think British Gloucester's authentic enough, don't you?" "I think you're right, Tink." "Authenticity cost me last time round." " Fancy some wine with that cheese?" " Mmm." "Hang on a minute." "How long am I supposed to stand here like this?" " Couple of hours." " More or less." "I think I've got a nice Beaujolais kicking around, actually." ""Dr. Antommarchi gave Bonaparte an emetic which made him sick." ""It is reported that Bonaparte rolled on the ground in great pain" ""and was helped to his feet by his servant Saint Denis."" "(Russian accent) Lovejoy, I would dearly love to help you out but I'm far too busy." "I'm up to here with work." "Never had so much in my life." "He's arriving in a couple of days." "It's really urgent." "So are all these." "Dozens of them." "Now, ever since Soviet Union disintegrated, every white Russian in Great Britain wants to claim back his property but they don't have any deeds, no proof of ownership, nothing." "So look what I have to do." "Here." "Granddaughter of countess thinks she owns the hermitage in St. Petersburg." "Lorry driver from Inverness thinks half of Odessa belongs to him." "And this... (Giggles)" "This is a claim for almost all of the Ukraine." "I'm rather proud of this." "What do you think?" "You should be." "These people may be wired to the moon, Lovejoy, but their money is terrestrial." "Well, here's my little claim." "You don't have to invent anything." "I've written it all down." "All I need is a sheet of your best 19th-century ledger paper and your finest copperplate writing." "Hmm, and since you came here by bus," "I suppose you want it all on account, eh?" " Until the dust settles." " (Laughs)" "So, so, what have we here?" ""Jamestown, Saint Helena." ""Regimental report of the 66th foot..."" "Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah..." "Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah." "Napoleon Bonaparte?" "!" " Yep." " Are you crazy?" "!" "Every second of the man's life is recorded ten times over." "It's the 1990s, Lovejoy." "How can you discover something new?" "Believe me, Popov, the gazunder that I've discovered is very new." "Perfect." "Absolutely exquisite." "Better than the real thing." "But it took us all weekend cos you have to cement each piece individually, one by one, by hand." "Well, you do, don't you(?" ")" "It was oversized so we had to shave a bit of the inside of the hole." " Cos these..." " Eric!" "Leave it alone." "(Eric sniggers)" "Where on earth have you been?" "He's been here for over an hour." "Are you all right, Lovejoy?" "I just carried it all the way up the drive." "I didn't think it'd look too good arriving in a pickup van." " He's just started on the soft soap." " Right." "Hello, Lovejoy." "More animals I see?" "(Laughs) Hello, Peter!" "Ohh... (Inhales)" "Mr. Brogni, I'd like you to meet Lovejoy." "Lovejoy, Mr. Brogni." "Your reputation goes before you, monsieur." "This is a great honor." "Enchanté." "Well, there it is." "The commode." "Huh?" "The-the-the commode?" "No." "Non, non, non." "A commode is a..." "Oh, comment dire?" "Is a... chest of drawers, you know?" "Si j'avais su..." "I would not have come such a long way." "Perde de temps!" "Monsieur, did not Lady Felsham explain?" "Lady Felsham?" "You are Lady Felsham?" "Oh, please forgive me." "I did not realize." "Forgive me, your ladyship, and accept my most profound apologies for addressing you only as madam." "Please, Mr. Brogni, no need to apologise." "It happens all the time." "You might as well look at it, huh?" "(Laughs nervously) Certainly." "Ah... (Laughs)" "Hmm..." "Yes..." "This was probably added at a later date because the English did not allow" "Imperial signs or Ns or eagles on Saint Helene." "To them, he was not an emperor, only a general." "I think..." "Well, in fact, I'm almost certain that this is a fake." "What I still don't understand, Tink, is why he let all our stock go like it was Freddy the Phone's." "I mean, he didn't say anything." "Not, "It's mine" or "It belongs to me and my partners." Nothing." "I mean, I can't believe that he just rolled over so easily." "It's not like Lovejoy." "There comes a time in the tides of men, Eric, when it's no longer considered prudent to allow an outsider, especially an official outsider, to rummage through your affairs and your life." "Why?" "In case they find something smelly you mean?" "In case you ruffle their feathers, or, in this case scales, and they see fit to put you to the torture." "Very few individuals can resist a pit-bull tax inspector when he's got his teeth firmly embedded in your bottom." "It'd make a good tool case this, you know." " (Splutters) - (Laughs)" "Ah, look, even the bowl is broken." "Look at that." "(Hums)" "Hmm..." "Oh, well, to be honest, Lady Felsham, unless it has a solid-gold provenance," "I don't think it has any connection with the emperor and, therefore, it is of little value." "Monsieur, doesn't it look as if it was made by George Bullock?" "Oh, yes, yes." "I will accept that." "It could be Bullock's." "But somebody could have copied it." "Monsieur, and isn't it also true that commodes or night stools were sent out to Bonaparte on Saint Helena?" "Yes, that is true." "They are recorded on the inventory as going out there but there is no record of them ever coming back." "This one did." "I had to collect this at the bank which is why I was late." "I would call this a 24-carat provenance, Monsieur Brogni." "May I see it, please?" "Ah, one moment, monsieur." "As you are the world's leading, living expert on Napoleon," "I would like your verification on what is written down here." "If I can." "Right, "This is a regimental report from the 66th foot" ""in Jamestown, Saint Helena, dated 23rd April, 1821."" "A garrison regiment on Saint Helene?" ""At Longwood House on 22nd March," ""Dr. Antommarchi gave Bonaparte an emetic which made him sick."" "Ah, yes." "C'est vrai." "Antommarchi gave him an emetic and he vomited a lot, yes." "Oui, oui." ""It is reported that Bonaparte rolled on the ground in great pain."" "Absolument!" "C'est vrai." ""And he was helped to his feet by his servant Saint Denis."" "Le fidèle Saint Denis." "Oui!" ""Bonaparte had been suffering lately" ""from lack of friction to the bowels..."" "Pardon." "What was that?" "I don't understand." "What does that mean?" " Lack of friction to the bowels?" " Il avait la diarrhée." "Je ne savais pas." "I did not know." ""His commode was at hand." ""He threw the chamber pot at Antommarchi," ""breaking it into many pieces."" " Is that true?" " It's what's written down here." ""Following the commotion, Captain Crokat, the orderly officer..."" "Crokat, the orderly officer." "Oui." ""...he was called." ""He gave the chamber pot to the garrison's carpenter, Corporal Norman," ""and commanded him to repair the same." ""General Bonaparte died before Norman had finished his repair" ""and so he is allowed to keep it." "I don't know what to say." "This is all new information." "So this pot was broken by Napoleon himself?" "It would appear that way." "But... why was that never mentioned by Antommarchi or Saint Denis in the memoirs?" "Why didn't they say anything?" "Would you say anything if someone threw a chamber pot at you?" "I will write a book." "Yes." "Moi, le grand Brogni." "I will tell the whole world how you discovered the chaise and put the emperor back on center stage where he belongs." "Those were the spin-offs, Brogni." "I thought the idea was you buy it." "Buy it?" "How could I possibly buy it?" " How much is it worth?" " 10,000, 20,000." "I know of a foundation in the United States that would be interested or a Japanese collector I know personally." "I could arrange this for you for a percentage, of course." " Monsieur, would you excuse us?" " Please." "I think you've rather overegged the pudding somewhat, Lovejoy." "Probably." "You can't sell it to him at a price he can afford or he'll suspect something, apart from the fact you'd be committing fraud." "I shouldn't try to sell it to him." "How much money have you got in the house?" " What?" " How much money have you got in the house?" "I have exactly £250 to pay the petrol account at the garage." " Good." "Get it." " What?" "Why?" "Look on it as a loan." "Look on it as an investment." "Just get it." "(Sighs)" "Monsieur Brogni, as you are the world's leading expert on Napoleon," "I would like you to give me written authentication of the commode and the provenance." "Bien sur." "But there will, of course, be the matter of a small fee." " How much?" " £1,000." "Brogni, you'll be dining out for years on the story of Napoleon throwing his chamber pot at Antommarchi, not to mention the lecture circuit, the articles and the interviews." "You should be paying me!" "Monsieur Lovejoy, pas de paiement, pas de papier." " No payment, no paper." " £100." " (Laughs) - £150." " Oh, s'il vous plait!" " £200." " Alors!" "Alors!" " £250 cash." "Last offer." "Well, I can't give you very much for £250." "At least I'll get something." "Chaise percée document..." "Brogni." "Voila!" "Your ladyship, will you do me the great honor of having lunch with me?" "Oh, how kind!" "That would be lovely." "Thank you." "Je connais un très bon restaurant with an excellent wine list." "Parfait!" "Au revoir, Lovejoy." "Enchanté." "I see what he meant about not getting much." "(Horn blasts)" "He-hey!" "(Tinker laughs)" "(Lovejoy) So?" "What took you so long?" "How did you end up in there, then?" "Get overexcited about selling the commode?" "For your information, I was forced in here by a road hog and, no, I did not sell the commode." "I don't believe it!" "I thought you said no punter would schlep all the way from Paris if he wasn't gonna buy." "Yeah, that's why you didn't want us at Lady Jane's." ""I don't want you bums frightening him off," were your exact words." "(Eric laughs)" "Well, he couldn't afford it but he did authenticate it for 200 quid." "You mean you paid £200 for a business card with ten words of French written on it?" "Those ten French words have just jacked the price up to 15 grand." "I phoned you to get me out of here, not question my business acumen." "Question your sanity more like!" "Well, we're gonna need a car to tow you out of here." "Eric... what do you think you've got there?" "Well, it's a tow rope, innit, Lovejoy?" "I got it from that house-clearance sale." "It came in that black bag with some needle-nose pliers, metal shackles." "It'll make a good tool bag, that will." "They used to use it when they still had capital punishment." " Hey?" " Got it from old man Munrey's?" " Yeah." " Hangman's noose, Eric." "Argh!" "He was an assistant hangman after the war." "Hung scores of war criminals." "You try and sell this lot, you'll have every SM freak in England at your doorstep." " Get rid of it!" " How was I supposed to know?" "And I don't need a pull." "I need a push." "Oh, God!" "Why do we always end up doing all the shoving and pushing?" "I can't push, Lovejoy." "I've done the old back in." "Well, all right, I'll push, you drive." " Right, Eric?" " Right, Lovejoy." "Right, Tink?" "Oh, Lovejoy, I'm not allowed to drive." "What?" "Temporary judicial withdrawal of licence." "(Shouts) You're in a field!" "You don't have to drive!" "Just steer!" "Now steer!" "(Phone rings)" "Hello." "(Cockney accent) Can I speak to Lovejoy, please?" "He's not here." "Who's calling?" "Mr. Freddy Reeve." "Would you by any chance be the famous Freddy the Phone" "I've been hearing so much about lately?" "You're spot-on there, darlin'." "Do you know where he is?" "Where I can find him?" "Are you Mum, by the way?" "No." "I'm not Mum!" "You'll probably find him propping up the bar in the Black Horse." "Oh, and, Mr. Reeve, if you see him, would you ask him to come and collect his commode?" "Yes, Sir Roy." "Yes, I'll put one in the post today, Sir Roy." "Thank you, Sir Roy." "Three bags full, Sir Roy!" "(Rings)" "Lovejoy Antiques." " Hello, Lovejoyl" " Freddy." "You wanna get yourself one of my new portables, instead of lugging all that shrapnel around with you." "You'll give yourself a hernia." "Where are you?" "Fancy a drink?" "You... skunk!" "(Banging and glass smashing)" "(Man) Oi, you!" "I'm surprised that you have the guts - excuse me - to show your face around here." "Now you're well out of order there, Lovejoy." "You knew the terms of the lease when you moved in there." "There's no call for a slagging-off." "Slagging-off?" "I should kick your bum all the way back to Benidorm." "They took the lot." "My motor and every piece of stock I owned." "Took the lot?" "What did I just hear with my own ears but you discussing a 20K deal." "You'll be telling me next that you get your gear from Oxfam!" "You knew what was going down." "I sent you every piece of mail." "The only consolation is they took your gaff as well." "Yeah... well, don't get het up, all right?" "I mean, we'll bounce back." "We're life's natural survivors, you and me." "Now, do you want a drink?" " Tonic." " Anything in it?" "A pint of gin." "Here, love, a pint of bitter and a pint of gin, please." "What are you doing back here, anyway?" "I'm surprised they let you in the country." "I come back to pick up a few things, like a couple of thousand car rigs." "By the way, old Bill ain't been poking his nose in, has he?" "Not than I know of." " And you'd know, right?" " Taxmen have." "Taxmen?" "Oh, they don't scare me no more." "A bunch of autoeroticists." "That's all over for me, Lovejoy." "I'll tell you why I left this country, right." "It's cos of people like that, dancing round with bells on their trousers." "Dear!" "What I say is viva Espana!" "You are now looking at Freddy el Teléfono." "Half the faces between Marbella and Madrid are talking to each other simply because of me." " Is that a fact?" " That is a fact." "I've got offices in five Spanish cities and I'm also thinking of getting a part share in a communications satellite, if I can book space on the rocket!" "I tell you, you should have stayed in Spain, Lovejoy." "By the way, who's the bird what answered the phone?" " Sounds like a right toff!" " She is." "Real class." "You've heard me speak of her." "Lady Jane Felsham." "My old man ran a dog called Lady Jane." "Won a right wad on her, he did!" "Anyway, she says, "Can you come and shift your commode?"" "What's the problem, then, eh?" "Plumbing gone, has it?" "A bit of trouble with the old washer?" "(Giggles) The commode happens to be an antique, Freddy." "The only thing I have to punt out after the mess you left me in." "It also happens to be worth the 20 grand you heard me talking about on the phone." "20 grand for a khazi?" "!" "Who does it belong to?" "The queen?" "(Laughs)" "Napoleon Bonaparte, actually." "Napoleon Bonaparte?" "And some geezer's prepared to lay out 20K just cos Napoleon owned it?" "That's gotta be flaky." "Flaky or very, very weird." "Well, Freddy, I would forget about it, if I was you." "It's not gold, it's not ivory and it's not even bronze." "It's something that only the serious and discerning collector would want." " You are never gonna own it." " Yeah, you can say that again." "I'll tell you what, though," "I wouldn't mind seeing what a 20-grand French bog actually looks like." "Here, look at that!" "Blimey!" "No wonder they called him Blown-apart!" "My nan has something similar." "Terrible affliction it was." "So how do you know that it belonged to him, then?" " I have its provenance." " Eh?" "A document proving its authenticity." "You made that up, didn't ya?" "I'm sure Mr. Reeve isn't interested in any of this, are you?" "Well, I am, as it happens, your ladyship, yes, because I came top in history at Basildon Comprehensive." "Oh, the British Museum called." "They want you to call them back." "Also, the Getty Foundation in San Francisco." "How about the Louvre cos they're always hot off the block, aren't they?" "Did the Prado call back?" "Oh, the Prado, yes." "A Dr. Sanchez called a couple of times." "Cor, the British Museum, San Francisco." "I bet you wish you had a whole van load of these, don't you?" "But, tell me, why are the Spanish interested in Napoleon's old loo?" "His participation in the Peninsular War may be a key factor." "Oh, yeah?" "Knowing them, their participation in making a few quid's more like it!" "Well, listen, Frederick Arthur Haig Montgomery Wavell Reeve, for somebody with half the British generals in World War II in their name," "I'm surprised you don't know more about Napoleon." "Look, I'll tell you what I'll do, right?" "Seen as I did, in a way, drop you in it, and to give you your due, you did look after my place as if it was... well, your own place," "I'll buy it off you but for nothing like 20 grand." "That's very kind of you to offer, Freddy, but, you know, these things do belong in museums and they cost a fortune to insure." " What would you do with it?" " I could sell it myself, couldn't I?" "I could have a right laugh with this down the old golf club." "Get a couple of pints of sangria in there." ""There you go, Tarby." "Here, cop for that, Brucie!"" ""Nah, nah, don't worry, Shawn." "It's only fruit floating in there!"" "(Laughs)" "Look, you know it ain't real and I know it ain't real." "So why not do yourself a favor, eh?" "Depends how much you had in mind." "Ten." "Or maybe you're right." "Maybe it should be in a museum." " Cash money?" " Cash money." "Won't be a minute, Lovejoy." "(Shop bell)" "Nice bloke, that Mr. Kumar." "Very enterprising." "Just tried to flog me a clock, would you believe?" "(Laughs)" " Know him, do ya?" " Yeah, slightly." "Yeah, now that you ain't got a gaff no more, you wanna think about getting yourself one of these places." "Oh, it's the wrong one." "I haven't been here for a year." "Yeah, tucked away." "No one knows you're here." "Emergency rations, Lovejoy." " Ever heard of mice?" " No." "But I have heard of Myson." "There you go." "And I'll throw that whole pot in for nothing." "How's that?" " Scottish money?" " Yeah, yeah." "Keep your hair on." "What happened was I did this cash job up in Glasgow, right, just before I emigrated, and, like an idiot, I let all these geezers dump this jock stuff on me." "Ten grand here, right?" "As Sean Connery is my witness." "Now mind your head." "Come on." "Get out." "Right, where's this document thing?" "Here, this looks really old." "Are you sure it ain't genuine?" "The paper's genuine." "If you do think of selling it, this fella might be interested." " He's serious." " Brogni." " Brogni." " I'll give him a bell." "And if you know of anybody who wants 5,000 telephones, let me know." "There'll be a drink in it for ya." "(Phone rings)" "Aren't you gonna answer it?" "Nah." "It's probably a wrong number." "(Engine revs)" "See ya, Lovejoy." "Let me know your new business address." "Adios, Lovejoy." "Adios." "Lovejoy said to bring you this." "Oh, good old Lovejoy!" "Cheers, Lovejoy!" "(Laughter)" " Allow me." " Thank you." "Hang on." "(Lovejoy) "Dear all," ""I bet you've never tasted cock-a-leekie like this before..."" "Ha!" "Brilliant!" "Good old Lovejoy!" "Look at this, Tink." "(Lovejoy) "I've paid Angela and Popov and taken my cut." ""The rest is for you lot."" "Hang on a minute." "Is this real money?" "(Lovejoy) "And, yes, Eric, it is real money." "'Janey has some losses to cover" ""but I'm sure you'll sort it out between you." ""We're all square now." "See you around." ""Enjoy the champagne."" "One for you." "One for you." "One for me." "One for Love..." "(Sighs)"