"Previously on 'Boston legal'" "You gave me the Crane legacy." "And I fully plan on living up to it." "He's not my son." "Obviously he doesn't know." "You're not my father?" "I'm not terribly comfortable with you working closely with this woman." "You and I are in a relationship, Alan." "The fact that you don't realize it doesn't give you license to be unfaithful." "You're mad as a hatter." "Donny Crane." "You remember me." "We used to be father and son." "I may not have been around much, but I was always there when you needed me." "Still I am." "I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America and to the Republic for which it stands, one nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all." "Well, Denny, that was refreshing and patriotic." "What gives?" "I, Denny Crane, am going to court to represent the United States of America." "And what has our country done to deserve you?" "US attorney and the DOJ had to recuse themselves, so Alberto appointed me to carry the ball for team USA." "The greatest lawyer in the world representing the greatest country in the world, a match made in heaven." "Did you know about this?" "I did not." "Where's a sitter when you need one?" "And we're back in court on the Arrow lake water case." "Opposing counsel is relentless." "Yet another evidentiary hearing." "Denise, per your status report, you had your mandatory settlement conference with datemistake. com last week." "Datemistake. com?" "It's an internet site where women can vent their ill feelings about the men they've dated as a warning to other women." "Our client Derek Roth has been defamed by them." "Oh, I'm sorry." "I, um, you were just a little in my space." "Yes, Shirley, did reach a settlement." "As for Denny, the judge denied the government's motion to dismiss." "So the spectacle of Denny Crane representing the United States will continue to play out in federal court," "God save us all." "What judge did Denny get?" "Judge Kimberly Ohlund." "I used to clerk for her." "Her current clerk Dan Jinks and I play squash." "I'm e-mailing Dan now." "He'll give me everything from the judge's political leanings to her basal temperature after breakfast." "Thank you, Marlene." "Sorry I'm late, but as usual, I'm really only here for the fruit." "Something new." "Alan, Marlene Stanger." "Marlene, Alan Shore." "A pleasure, Ms. Stanger." "Mr. Shore." "Marlene comes to us from Howard and Brock." "Your name came up frequently at my old firm." "I hope amid a torrent of obscenities." "Always." "Good." "I look forward to working with you, Ms. Stanger." "It's not often you meet someone with such ocular precision." "Why won't you try this case with me?" "Personal reasons." "It's because you're red." "That's the old red, not the new red, which is the opposite of blue." "That's good." "It's the old red." "That's bad and pink." "Regardless of my pigmentation, I promised I'd sit with you." "That's the best I can do." "Denny Crane doesn't need any sitters." "What are these "personal reasons" anyway?" "It's the global gag rule." "Nonsense." "Gags are dangerous, locally or globally." "You don't even know what the global gag rule is, do you?" "I can tell you." "The global gag rule forces other countries where abortion is perfectly legal to stop performing them or even uttering the word "abortion,"" "otherwise, the United states cuts off their funding." "Donny." "Denny." "Alan." "Donny." "What are you doing here?" "I'm with lawyers without borders." "They heard you were brought in after the judge denied the government's motion to dismiss." "Liberal pinko." "Please rise." "The honorable Kimberly Ohlund presiding." "Denny Crane for the United states of America, your honor." "Donny Crane for the plaintiff Kavita Pokharel." "I take it you two know each other." "He's not my father." "He's like a son." "This will be a delight." "I can't believe the squid is working here now." "The squid?" "In old mythology, they say the squid is the only animal that can kill a shark." "I used to work with her at Howard and Brock." "And like the mysterious giant squid, the only evidence of her existence were the whopping sucker marks left on her victims." "I take it you didn't get along." "You don't get along with the squid." "She used to tap into the computer network, steal everyone's research memos and then claim them as her own." "Why the hell did we hire her?" "Beats me." "I only hope she doesn't get my Alan." "I was pregnant with my second child." "When I went into labor, my husband took me to the district clinic in Khotang." "This is in Nepal." "Objection." "The witness isn't speaking English." "We're aware of that, Mr. Crane." "She's being translated." "Is that legal?" "Shocking, isn't it?" "Continue." "It was the same clinic where I had my first child, only this time, the doctor was gone." "The medical assistant said I had an obstetric fistula, and I needed a Cesarean section." "But because they had no equipment or medicine or a physician, they said there was nothing they could do." "I began to hemorrhage." "I almost bled to death, and my baby boy died." "I'm not the only one." "Thousands are dying." "Why weren't there any supplies?" "They told me the United states had taken away all the clinic's funding." "Edward Broden." "And the man responsible for making that decision was Mr. Edward Broden." "That man?" "Yes." "I was a physician in Khotang from 2001 until last October." "Our clinic had been funded primarily by the United states." "Notice he didn't say thank you." "He's got a lot on his mind, Denny." "And, Dr. Patel, did your clinic perform abortions?" "No." "Even though it is legal in Nepal, our clinic made the decision not to in order to receive US funding." "However, we hung up a poster that said," ""we believe that a woman has a right to control her own body"." "The poster was meant to promote women's rights and to prevent rape as well as spousal abuse." "But the US aid representative Mr. Broden felt the poster was pro-abortion." "And that was that." "We lost all of our funding." "You're looking thin." "You should eat more." "Some of us don't have fancy expense accounts to pay for our meals, hmm?" "You should get one." "They're awesome." "Mr. Crane..." "Yes, yes, yes, yes." "Doctor, um..." "Patel." "I have in hand here... a copy of the rules that clinics must follow in order to get US aid." "You, you've seen this manual?" "Yes, I have." "But the rules in it are so vague." "They're left to the interpretation of the US aid representative." "And that representative is hired by an appointee of the president of the United states, is that correct?" "Yes." "So, doctor, in your expert opinion as a physician, who the hell are you to question the president of the United states?" "Objection." "Badgering." "Sustained." "You know the president is against abortion." "So in following the rules, it would seem that you would err on the side of caution, but you didn't." "You put up an inflammatory poster." "We didn't feel it was inflammatory to protect the rights of women." "Well, it got me mad." "You have other clinics that get our money, right?" "Yes." "Ones who are able to follow the rules?" "Athe point is, Mr. Crane, while you allow abortion in your country, you are trying to deny it to the rest of the world." "The people of this country never decided on abortion." "The elected officials never voted on it." "It was nine justices of the supreme court, and people are still angry about it." "Objection, he's not asking a question." "He's debating." " What are you talking about?" " The reason why..." " I am not..." " the supreme court exists... is to protect people from their own mob mentality," " which this issue triggers." " I, I disagree." "Objection." "I disagree." " Fine." "Objection right back at you." " I, I object to your objections." "Both objections are sustained." "Move on." "So doctor, uh..." "Patel." "If you want American money, don't kill babies." "She wasn't trying to." "This is so disrespectful." "You don't come home to papa by suing his government." "You're not my papa." "Your sperm never touched my egg, and someone has to sue the government." "Look, our policy denies thousands of people lifesaving medical care based on the personal religious views of our leader." "Nothing says democracy like imperialism." "Why can't you come to town for once and we just toss the pigskin around?" "That's American." "Dinner?" "8 o'clock." "Denny Crane." "Donny Crane." "Donny Crane." "We had this settled." "Upon further review of the agreement, Mr. Roth didn't approve." "I don't know what game you're playing here, but you're not getting another dime from us." "Please don't address my client directly." "Talk to me." "Your client should know that our original offer was more than generous." "That's not the way I see it." "13 months ago, Derek went out on a few dates with one Monique Foster, otherwise known at your web site, datemistake. com, as anonymous." "Things didn't work out and he broke up with her." "A few months later, he met someone else, fell in love and got engaged." "Things looked rosy." "Yeah, until anonymous found datemistake. com and started posting all these lies about me." "His fiancee found him prominently displayed on the site and broke up with Derek two days later." "We all know what happened, Ms. Stanger." "We reached the original settlement." "What we didn't know was the rest of the story." "Now anytime someone tries to google my name or my company, "Roth's plumbing supply,"" "instead of finding my web site, yours is the first site that comes up." "My sales have dropped 40% since this posting." "You could've posted a rebuttal, responded to anonymous' opinions of you." "But why should I have to?" "You destroy my client's reputation, his business, you humiliate him in public, then force him to fix the damages that you've caused." "That's lika glass company throwing rocks through your window then saying," ""hey, need to buy a new window?"" "Hey." "Nancy." "Derek." "Denise, right." "You know everyone." "I do." "May I see you?" "Of course." "What the hell are you doing with my client?" "Well, Denise, uh," "I was looking over some of your settlement agreements, just to see how things worked around here." "Some firms are quite formal and sticklers for grammar and language." "I see around here anything goes, which is fine, I just needed to know." "What are you doing with my client?" "I looked at the settlement figure you had." "I thought we could do better." "I saw Denny was the assigned partner in the case..." "You, you went to Denny behind my back to steal my case?" "Oh, no, no." "God, no." "I just told him my thoughts." "He was very encouraging and told me to go for it." "So I held the documents from being published, made a few calls, and well, here we are." "Our client is really, really happy and I think we can ring these people up for some big bucks." "There's only one problem with that, Marlene." "Derek in there doesn't have a case." "The $10,000 settlement I got him was a gift from datemistake. com to make him go away." "I think we could get more, and if you agree with me," "I would love to share this case with you." "We're leaving, as is our original offer." "They'll be back." "She just went to Denny and stole my case." "Just stole it." "Okay." "Did you know that at her old firm they called her "the squid"?" "The squid?" "The only thing that can kill a shark?" "But what really gets me about these people is how they're so obvious and manipulative." "And you're trying to manipulate our friendship to get me to do something about this." "Yes." "After she stole my case, she had the nerve to tell me we could "share" it." "Marlene is a first-rate lawyer." "She brings in a lot of money." "She almost made partner at Howard and Brock." "We recruited her with the understanding that if she does as well here as she did there, she would make partner in the next vote." "And you're okay with that?" "I am, yeah." "Look, Denise, you have a very bright future here but... let me put this as gently as I can." "Toughen up." "Are you seeing anyone?" "Not really." "You?" "I got married." "Married?" "For a day." "We tried to contact you for the wedding, but you were nowhere to be found." "Um, question." "Do the girls actually talk?" "I'm not quite sure of the etiquette here." "I, I don't think there's a question of etiquette, son." "They're escorts." "So you like flying around the world, picking up strangers, bringing them to our courts?" "It isn't a matter of liking." "I'm trying to make people understand." "All these clinics forced to close their doors by the simple stroke of the pen of our president." "Now here we are in Boston where there are eight world-class hospitals within a 10-mile radius." "We don't see it." "I'm hoping Kavita will help us see it." "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah." "I got the picture now." "This is all about beating your old man, isn't it, son?" "For once, this isn't about you." "Then you won't mind losing." "I've got the law on my side." "Plus, the United states government and Denny Crane." "Two equal and unstoppable forces." "And I've got a sympathetic judge and an honest woman who lost her child." "You always taught me, emotion wins." "Isn't he something?" "We're late." "You're late." "I'm not going." "That time of the month?" "Come on." "We're having fun." "You're having fun, sweeping into court trying a monumental case about which there is much to be thoughtful, much to articulate, about which you know almost nothing." "And you're using nothing but easy jokes, a swell suit and blind patriotism." "You're jealous of my son." "Denny, you don't have a son, and the truth is, you're making a complete ass out of yourself in that courtroom about something you shouldn't." "I don't care to see it or support it." "There's a difference between being an ass and being effective." "When you win, they say you're effective." "When you lose, which I never do, they call you an ass." "I don't need you, Alan." "I don't need anybody." "Never have." "Never will." "I was in charge of the US aid office in the Northeastern region of Nepal." "Part of my job was to enforce the rules of the Mexico city policy." "What policy?" "Everything comes with rice and beans." "No, the name of the policy in question is the Mexico city policy." "But opponents erroneously refer to it as the global gag rule." "All right." "So what are we doing in Mexico?" "That's where president Reagan first enacted the policy in 1984." "It was enacted as a reaction to forced abortions in China as a means of population control." "Chinese, Mexican, anybody hungry?" "Objection." "Sustained." "All right, let's get back to America." "Are you saying that these policies were enacted as a humanitarian gesture?" "Yes, it was." "And is it in the United states' discretion to decide which clinics get funding?" "As a part of our governmental function, yes." "Determining funding is a purely governmental function." "And, uh, governments are immune under the, uh... under the, uh... federal tort claims act." "Right." "Therefore... you will move for dismissal, and I will again deny the motion." "Move on." "Nothing further, your honor." "You, uh, you say this was done as a humanitarian effort." "However, the rule was instituted by president Reagan, continued under the first president Bush, then rescinded during the Clinton administration." "That's true." "And the day George W. Bush took office, reinstating the global gag rule was one of his first official pieces of business." "That sounds political to me." "Objection, uh..." "Sustained." "So the policy was designed to stop abortion as a method of family planning?" "Yes." "Even though, by withdrawing funding from those clinics, they no longer have money for any family planning, which could stop unwanted pregnancies and the need for abortions?" "Mr. Broden, you're not the only US aid representative that has to deal with this issue, are you?" "No, I'm not." "The truth is that our global gag rule is affecting, well... the globe." "The Balkans, Africa, South America, Asia, any place dependant on US funding is not allowed to even utter the word "abortion"." "Yes, that's true." "So don't you think it's curious that in our administration's quest to stop abortion, we're actually restricting free speech, which is a hallmark of democracy?" "Objection." "Irrelevant and unpatriotic." "Sustained." "Datemistake. com." "Thank goodness technology has progressed to the point where we no longer have to deal with our issues privately." "So any of my misadventures chronicled in there?" "No." "Surprised?" "A little." "As to the fact that you checked on me, no." "Just so you know, that little incident would be considered sexual harassment." "You're quite intoxicating." "Oops." "Did it again." "But you won't report me to the bosses." "Why not?" "Marlene... while I haven't known you long," "I get the feeling your best work is done behind your colleague's back." "If you were to report me, you certainly wouldn't have warned me first." "And besides, what you'd really like to do is wrap your legs around me and scream at the top of your lungs." "You're allowed one, aren't you?" "Excuse me?" "How about I just clear everything off this desk?" "We can take care of things right now, then afterwards, you can write me up and send me on my way." "You're repulsive." "You're right." "And yet I can see in your eyes you're not completely repulsed." "And therein lies the rub." "You can't hold someone liable for expressing an opinion." "And besides, truth is a defense." "There are no objectively false facts here." "Oh, you gotta be kidding me." "Anonymous called me cheap." "Where did you take anonymous to dinner?" "Jimmy Changas." "And is it true that you used a coupon?" "Uh, that's not cheap." "That's smart." "And did you pay?" "Yes, I did." "And did she pay, too?" "Yes." "He treated her as an equal, which only proves he's a feminist as well as resourceful." "Anonymous didn't post that on there." "Yeah, and she says I have no sense of humor." "I make jokes all the time." "Those aren't jokes." "Those are puns." "Puns aren't funny." "Well, that's just your... opunion, isn't it?" "Oh, dear God." "Look, Denise, we agreed to return to the table in good faith based on your reputation, but you haven't given us any reason to even go back to the original agreement." "All of the facts are on our side." "But we may have more plaintiffs on our side." "With just a quick search on your web site, we have found ten men willing to come forward who were defamed with false statements." "It's a fact, not opinion." "You never mentioned these men in your previous negotiations." "We were just focusing on our client, and we were hoping you would be reasonable." "But you're not being reasonable." "So we're expanding this case to a class action suit." "As to the facts..." "Brett Doran does not still live with his mother." "Jack Bostick does not have a 1-inch Johnson, even on a cold day." "I could go on." "There are 300,000 more postings and plenty of eager associates to review them." "We'll give you a chance to talk this over." "Marlene." "You posted these complaints yourself, didn't you?" "I'd have to be an idiot to do that." "So you had someone else do it for you." "A sister, a girlfriend?" "Denise, while you were out on a date last night," "I was here until 3 o'clock in the morning hunting these guys down." "All it took was some hard work and long hours, but I was willing to do it." "Now we can go to court." "The reward is potentially bigger, but so are the risks." "Or we can go back in there and get a bigger settlement than you originally negotiated." "Your call." "I talk." "You don't say anything." "So, had the chance to talk things over?" "As a matter of fact, we have." "And?" "We don't like the way you do business, Denise." "And I don't like the way Ms. Moran does business." "Your company trades on the misery and pettiness of others." "Ms. Moran, there are two ways to make money in a business like this." "The first is the short-term cash you make before someone like us comes in and shuts you down with a major lawsuit." "The other is the real money that comes when you grow your business large enough that one of the big media companies buys you out." "But nobody's going to buy a company with a potentially huge class action lawsuit hanging over its head." "And that's why you were willing to settle in the first place." "$30,000 and this all goes away." "$20,000." " $25,000." " Done." "I'll draw up the paperwork." "You like hot fudge sundaes?" "Ah, who knows what you like?" "You're a weirdo." "But my point is, people like hot fudge sundaes." "Well, yesterday in court, I gave them a hot fudge sundae." "I was brilliant." "But after you've had a big, delicious hot fudge sundae, it's awhile before you want another one." "Are you with me so far?" "Let's say that I am." "Great." "I want you to do the closing argument." "I'm sorry?" "I gave the jury a great big Denny Crane sundae with chocolate sauce and nuts and a cherry on the top, and now they're full." "I can't stuff another one down their throats so soon." "Denny, how'd it really go in court yesterday?" "Magnificent." "That being said, if the jury heard from someone that wasn't me, it might refocus them in a way that would guarantee victory." "Not that victory is in doubt." "I see." "Alan, I need to stay undefeated." "I don't want to look like a fool in, in front of..." "I need you to do this." "Friend helping friend." "This case is not about abortion." "It isn't about freedom of speech." "It isn't even about what foreign policy the United states chooses to conduct." "This case is about hypocrisy and the arrogance of power." "Now under the laws of the United states, abortion is legal." "But we tell other countries that if they want US aid, they cannot perform, encourage or even mention abortion." "We look the world in the eye and say, "do as I say, not as I do"." "It's the very essence of hypocrisy." "So the clinic that Kavita Ookharel went to had had its funding cut off by a US aid representative who mistakenly believed that a poster in the clinic advocated abortion." "She had been to the clinic before, and everything had been fine." "She had the reasonable expectation that the clinic would continue to function." "How could she, how could anyone be expected to know that United states policy is as changeable as the political winds?" "A political hack made a brutal, thoughtless decision that could not be appealed." "And Ms. Pokharel's baby died." "At a time when we're trying to spread democracy around the globe, let us show the world that we are not hypocrites." "Let us show the world that when the government of the Untied States makes a horrible, tragic mistake, the courts of the United States will make that government pay for it." "I'd like to begin with a cheer." "We're number one." "We're number one." "We're number... it's not much of a cheer." "It's repetitive and rhythmically uninteresting, but it does succinctly apply to our country, and has for quite some time." "In fact, we've been number one so long that the rest of the world has come to rely on us." "And we don't let them down." "We're the world's largest donor of devopment assistance." "All in all, as a nation, we donate over $55 billion a year in foreign aid." "Money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money." "Everything is about money." "But we must never forget that there is a terrible human tragedy, the center of all this." "Ms. Pokharel lost her child." "The loss of any child's life is an incalculable horror." "It is for that reason that I would ask you to award the plaintiff piles and piles of money." "After all, we have so much to give away." "Why not?" "Piles and piles." "Thank you." "You know... come to think of it, maybe we don't have that much to give away, do we?" "Our national debt is now over $8 trillion." "Eh, who cares?" "Give them piles anyway." "What the hell?" "Never mind that we have 37 million people living below the poverty line right here at home." "What does it matter that our own literacy rate doesn't even rank in the top 50 countries?" "Just keep shelling out the foreign aid." "Does it really bother anyone that we don't have the resources to help the Katrina victims?" "Of course not." "What's really important is, that the United States continue to be that big ATM machine to the world, doling out wads of cash to every country who wants it." "Money, money, money, money, money, money, money." "Never mind we don't have it." "These other nations, they're entitled, aren't they?" "Even the ones who vilify us for protecting their freedom, by the way, listening to plaintiff's counsel," "I couldn't help but concur, how horrible we Americans are." "Okay, so we donate $55 billion a year in foreign aid." "But then we impose certain conditions on those gifts." "Imagine our awfulness." "And here, my God, we promised money to a clinic so long as they promised not to promote abortion." "So they did." "How dare we not give them the money just the same?" "We should've given them that and then some." "We have a duty to provide these handouts." "we have an absolute duty, 'cause we are the United States of America." "And these other nations, well, they're entitled, whether they keep their promises or not." "Our settlement check came in. 25 Gs." "I'm just glad everything worked out." "Me, too." "But for all the strum and drang, we really did make a pretty good team." "I'm so glad we're not like those women in the workplace who feel compelled to compete with every pair of legs in a skirt." "You know, Marlene, you are not gonna get very far at Crane, Poole  Schmidt pulling the kind of crap you did with this case." "Denise, the only crap I pulled was to believe in this case and invest myself in it." "That's why we more than doubled our money." "And I think that's why they hired me at Crane, Poole  Schmidt." "Why did they hire you?" "Anyway, see you later." "Squid." "Has the jury reached a verdict?" "We have, your honor." "How say you?" "In the matter of Kavita Pokharel vs. the United States, we find in favor of... the United States of America." "Thank you for your service." "We're adjourned." "Still undefeated." "I think my closing made all the difference." "Denny, if I wrote it and delivered it, how did it become your closing?" "My case, I'm the lead attorney and, of course, I'm..." "Yes, you are." "the United States of America." "Of course, we'll appeal." "Of course, you'll lose." "Dinner, Denny?" "Delighted, Donny." "Son, let me ask you something." "These lost causes... why do you do it?" "I suppose the struggle gives me comfort." "Why do you do what you do?" "I don't actually remember." "It may have something to do with the massive amounts of money I make." "My mom died... uh, a few months ago." "I, I was gonna tell you the other night, but the... well... hookers made it a little uncomfortable." "I went looking for my real father." "And?" "Lives in Maine." "He works on a cranberry bog." "Good man." "He wears waders." "Most days, he's up to his knees in water and little red fruits." "Sounds like a very moist man." "He's not you." "Not the man I imagined growing up." "Not the man I pictured in my mind when I was studying in law school." "So you're all alone." "Yepper." "So... any interest in being my fake father again?" "I never stopped being your fake father, son." "Good night, Mr. Crane." "Good night, Ms. Stanger." "Your closing was very convincing, almost as if you believed it." "I did." "You do love America." "Of course I do." "I didn't agree with the string our government attached to the money in this case, but we have every right to attach strings to the funds we give." "That's my boy." "I'm your friend, Denny, but I'm not your boy." "That's what troubles me, this notion that we have to take sides in this country now, you're either with us or against us, Republican or Democrat, red state or blue state." "I can't believe I live in a blue state." "No one looks at an issue and struggles over the right position to take anymore." "And yet, our ability to reason is what makes us human." "Lately we seem so willing to forfeit that gift of reason in exchange for the good feeling of belonging to a group." "We all just take the position of our team." "I've certainly done it and hated myself for it." "I've never heard you make so much sense." "I make sense all the time, you just listen intermittently." "Could be." "I like that new girl." "Marlene." "She's got an aggressive eye." "Bet she's magnificent in bed." "Oh, I bet she's at her best back against the wall." "I can't wait till next week."