"( whimsical music playing )" "Could you pass this to the young lady, please?" "Thank you." "Thank you." "Oh, let me help you." "86, we'll be making an unscheduled landing in Boise, Idaho, in exactly five minutes." "Plug into phone jack #2, instructions are coming through from headquarters." " Where are the earphones?" " In there." "Excuse me." "Good morning." "McMillann speaking-- you're about to land in Boise, Idaho." "From there a car will take you to Twin Falls." "Max, that's where we're going" " Twin Falls." " My mother lives near there." " Oh really?" "If you get a chance, you should drop in and see her, 99." "Well, you too." "She'd love to meet her future son-in-law." "For several months now, the CIA has tried without success to make a breakthrough on Case 1173 known as Operation Starch." "Two hours ago, the President of the United States ordered that this case now be turned over to CONTROL." "Chief, you may now bring agents 86 and 99 up to date on what you already know about Operation Starch." "And now stay tuned for the CIA sports and weather." "What is Operation Starch, Chief?" "Let's go up front where we can talk more privately." "All right, Chief, what is this Operation Starch?" "Operation Starch is probably the most diabolical scheme ever devised by KAOS." "Max, will you put down that "Peanuts" book?" "Oh, sorry about that, Chief." "But this is really a funny part where Snoopy is following the Red Baron down" "I'm not interested in Snoopy or the Red Baron." "Oh, you're a Charlie Brown man?" "I'm a frustrated man." "KAOS has destroyed almost 90% of America's potato crop." "Oh, I didn't know that, Chief." "It's been our government's most closely-guarded secret." "Well, I can see why." "Americans love potatoes." "That's right, Chief." "Potatoes are as American as pizzas or tacos." " Chief, I just had a potato last night." " No, you didn't, 99." "That was artificial-- made scientifically from edible, flavored foam rubber." " A foam rubber potato?" " That's right, 99." "Well, now that certainly is a tribute to our scientists, Chief." "I mean, the Russians may be way ahead of us in the moon program, but we're ahead of them in rubber food." "KAOS is demanding that we pay them $10 billion or they'll destroy all of our crops." " How are they gonna do that?" " That, 99, is our assignment." "Chief, 99, it's the Red Baron!" "Max, you've been spending so much of your time reading "Peanuts" book, you're starting to see things!" " Maybe it's something you ate." " But it couldn't be, 99." "All I had today was an order of ham and eggs and a side order of french-fried foam rubber." "( theme music playing )" "Dr. Leviathan, I'm the Chief of CONTROL and this is Agent 86 and Agent 99." " How do you do?" " Hello." "Boy, 99, it's a good thing he's not with CONTROL." " What a number he'd have." " We were told to contact you." "Oh, fine." "We'll have to talk while I work." "I'm the food analyst and I have to taste all of this." " Am I sitting?" " Yes." "Oh good." "Sometimes it's hard to tell." "Doctor, could we see one of the potatoes that was destroyed?" "Oh, certainly." " 99:" "Looks all right to me." " Max:" "Me too." "Watch." "It's amazing." "Do you have any idea how it was done?" "Dr. Leviathan:" "We first thought that some sort of bug had penetrated the potato jacket and eaten the inside." "Well, that's it, 99." "The case is practically solved." "Now all we have to do is to find a fat bug." "However, we dropped that theory." "We've dropped that theory, 99." "We now think that some sort of new poison was used, something that could permeate the potato shell" " and destroy the pulp." " But how would that work?" " We don't know." " We must find out." "We have no idea what KAOS will hit next." "It could be another vegetable." "Or fruit." "Or even meat, Chief." "Who knows?" "At the next roundup, we might find a lot of empty cows." " Would you like some sugar?" " Oh, no, that's saccharin." "I'm trying to watch the calories." "Doctor, is there any area where the potatoes haven't been destroyed yet?" "Only one-- 40 miles north of here." "I want you two to cover that area." "Oh, Chief, could we stop off on the way?" "My mother lives near there." "I know she'd love to meet Max." "Well, 99, looks like she's not home." "Max, you haven't even rung the doorbell yet." " Oh." " ( bell rings )" "Don't be so nervous, Max." "She's going to love you." "I told you, 99, she's not home." " Darling!" " Mother!" "Come in." "Come in and close the door." "( sighs ) He's a little bit nervous about meeting you, Mother." "Isn't that cute?" "Come on, Max." "Max, this is Mother." "Mother, this is Maxwell Smart." "How do you do?" "Any friend of my daughter's is a son-in-law of mine." " Come in." " Thank you, Mrs.... uh..." " Mother." " ..." "Mrs. Mother." ""Mrs. Mother." Isn't that cute?" "Mother, you just call Max "Max"" "and, Max, you call Mother "Mother."" " All right, 99." " "99"?" "Oh, uh, Max and I have pet names for each other." "Sometimes he calls me "99,"" "sometimes I call him "86."" "Isn't that cute?" "You can call me "38," if it isn't taken." " Oh." " No no no, it isn't." "Well..." " tell me about your trip." " This certainly is a nice place." "Would you like to have some coffee, 18?" "No thank you, and the number's 86." "86." "I never had a good head for numbers." "94 has told me so much about you." " It's 99." " Of course." "What must you think of me-- a mother who can't remember her own daughter's number." "So you're in the greeting card business?" " Huh?" " Yes, I wrote to Mother and told her that we both work at the same greeting card company." "Oh, yes yes, that-- that's right." "I think people who write greeting cards are so talented." "Recite one of your cards for me." "Huh?" "One of my cards, yes yes." "Uh, one of my cards." "Uh, for what occasion would you like it?" " I mean for what holiday?" " Oh, let me see." "Easter." "Easter, yes, that-- that's a good one." "Easter." "Oh!" "Here we go." "Uh... here comes Peter Cottontail hopping down the bunny trail," " hippity hoppity." " Hoppity hippity." "Hoppity hippity." "Bringing to every little girl and boy lots of baskets of Easter joy to make their Easter bright and gay." "Now do "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer."" "Mother, Max is very modest about his work." "Oh, I'm sorry." "( shoe phone ringing )" "Your shoe is ringing." "Mother, Max must be absolutely famished." " Do you have anything in the kitchen?" " Yes, dear." "I've got some hors d'oeuvres all ready to be served." "Great, I'll help you." "Hello, Chief." "Max here." "Check." "Uh-huh." "Yeah." "No, Chief, I haven't had a chance to check out the potatoes." "Look, I can't talk anymore." "I'll check them out and then I'll get back to you." "All right, Chief?" "Bye, Chief." " Where's Max?" " Behind the couch talking to his shoe." "Oh, here he is." "Did you have a nice chat with your shoe?" "Yes, well, I can explain that, Mother." "Oh, don't bother." "My husband used to always talk to his suspenders." " He did?" " Sometimes he talked to his belt." "He was a very strange man, but a good provider." "Max, why don't you have some hors d'oeuvres?" "99, come here, quick." " Max:" "It's the Red Baron!" " Oh, he's not the Red Baron." "That's Mr. Smith." "He bought the spread across the way about a month ago." " He's a gentleman farmer." " Dressed like that?" "I figured he was a weekend hippie." "Come, have some hors d'oeuvres." "I'm sorry, Mother, but 99 and I have to go for a walk." " Now?" " I know this is going to be hard for you to understand, but this is an emergency." "The entire fate of our nation is at stake." "Darling, I understand perfectly, but couldn't it wait till after lunch?" "Slow down, 99, you might trip!" "Come on, 99, let's get over by that haystack." "We can probably get a better view of Smith's house from there." "Right, Max." "I'd better climb to the top and take a look, 99." "Max, you can't climb a haystack." "There's no support." "You can if it's firmly stacked." "I'll check it out." "Ah!" " What happened?" " A needle." "Max, I was raised in the country and I'm telling you you cannot climb a haystack." "And I was raised in the city, 99, and I say that climbing the haystack is the same thing as climbing a wire fence-- the big secret is in getting a running start." " What do we do now?" " We find a wire fence and climb it." "99, I lost my cufflink." " Oh Max." " You look over there, I'll look here." "I found it." "It was right on the wing." ""On the wing"?" "Max, there's an airplane in here!" "Of course!" "The old airplane-in-a-haystack trick!" " I'd better call the Chief, 99." " Right, Max." "Smart!" " It's Mr. Smith!" " It's the Red Baron!" "Both:" "It's Siegfried!" "( German accent ) You bet your sweet shoe phone it's Siegfried." " We meet again." " So, Siegfried, you're the one who's responsible for trying to destroy" " the potato crop." " Exactly." "But that knowledge will do you no good." "You see, I'm going to shoot you both, push you in front of the spinning propellers and drop you from 18,000 feet!" "This is the last time we'll meet, Smart!" "You mean you're not coming to the wedding?" "All right, Smart, I have some bad news for you." "Your government has refused to pay us the $10 billion we demanded for not destroying the rest of the crops." "Now I have to kill you." "Kill them, Siegfried." "Let me let them have it!" " ( mimics machine-gun )" " Uh, Starker, this is KAOS." "We don't... ( mimics machine gun ) ...here." " ( muttering )" " Now it is most important that you understand something that I want to-- but before you die, Smart-- and you too, cookie-- you will see how the genius of KAOS has exterminated virtually all of your potato crop." "A crop-dusting plane." "Yes, and it's a genuine Fokker D.Vll." "Boy, I'll bet Snoopy would like to get this baby in his sights." "You like it?" "I built it myself from a model kit." "You take one piece and stick it together with-- it's made by a small company in Argentina." "So that's how you've been destroying the potato crops." "Exactly." "I offer the farmers free crop-dusting, but instead of insecticide," "I spray a newly- developed bacteria, a bacteria capable of entering the potato by osmosis." "And once inside, it eats up the entire potato and burps and dies, leaving no trace." "And Siegfried flies home victoriously." "( mimics airplane )" "Stop!" "( speaks German )" "We don't ptt-tt-- here!" "Now..." "I shall destroy the rest of your potato crop." "And I will attack your broccoli, your rhubarb, your squash, and last but not least," "( chuckles ) your kumquats!" "You really know how to hurt a guy, don't you?" "But first, the propellers are waiting to cut you to smithereens!" "( speaks German )" "Switch on!" "Contact!" "( yelling ) Siegfried, do you mind if I take off my coat?" "It's brand-new and I don't want to ruin it!" "Starker, take care of them!" "I'm on my way." "What are we gonna do now, Max?" "We've gotta get in touch with the Chief, 99." "I'll tell you what we'll do:" "we'll write a note, and we'll tie it to the leg of one of these chickens." "Max, chickens don't fly." "Then we'll find one that can run fast." "( gasps ) Max, look!" " Agh!" " What happened?" "Oh!" "Stepped right on that rake, Chief." "That hurt." "I know." "How did you know we were here, Chief?" "I stopped by the house and 99's mother told me you were here." "You came just in the nick of time, Chief." "I would have been here sooner, but she made me stop and eat first." " ( engines roaring )" " Siegfried!" "He's gonna finish off the potato crop!" "Come on." "( machine gunfire rattling )" "Max:" "Good." "He thinks he's got us." "There goes the potato crop." "You know, Chief, I've always wondered about that." "How many potatoes are there in a crop?" "It all depends-- 4,000 or 5,000 bushels." "Boy, that's a lot of crop." "Look, he's coming back!" "Sure." "Now he's after our kumquats." "We've got to stop him, Max!" "We can use the telephone at my mother's house." "Oh, did you have a nice walk, children?" "Not now, Mother." "This is an emergency." "Another one?" "I didn't know the greeting card business was that exciting." "I'll go get dinner." " Where's the phone, 99?" " I'll get it." "Hello, Operator?" "Give me the commanding officer at the nearest air force base." "This is an emergency." "Hurry." "Hello, Colonel?" "This is Maxwell Smart of CONTROL." "It's urgent that we get a jet plane immediately in order to prevent a national disaster." "Now, I'm 40 miles north of Twin Falls." "Where's the closest place that we can find an air force fighter?" "Ankara, Turkey?" " Nothing closer?" " Nothing closer?" "Yes, Colonel, I know we have planes all over the world." "But do we have any in this country?" "How about some of the older jets?" "How about some of the older jets?" " We sold them to Germany and Japan." " That's great." "After all, Chief, we shot all of theirs down." "How about P-40s from World War II?" "How about the P-40s from World War II?" " Israel, Chief." " P-47 s?" "How about the P-47 s?" "We sold all those to the Arabs." "Listen, Colonel, tell me, does the Spirit of St. Louis still fly?" "Max." "Thank you very much, sir." "It looks as though Siegfried's won." "Wait a minute, Chief." "He hasn't won yet." "I know where there's a plane." "Chief, you're not gonna let Max go up in this old thing!" "Of course not, 99." "I'm going after Siegfried myself." "Oh!" "Sorry about that, Chief, but you're too important to CONTROL." "Until we meet again, 99." "Darn fool kid!" "Oh, he's caught up with Siegfried!" "Look, Chief." "( machine guns firing )" "Chief, Max is in trouble!" "He's gonna jump!" "He's jumping without a parachute!" "Nice jump, Smart!" "Thank you, Siegfried!" "Give me a hand!" "Certainly!" "Here's a hand!" "Don't tell me you'd shoot an unarmed man in midair!" " Of course I would!" " I asked you not to tell me that!" "He's got him, Chief!" "All right, Siegfried, take her down!" "Darling, your dinner's getting cold." "Where's your fiancé, 81?" "He's up there, Mother." "Well, what do you think of him?" "Oh, I like him." "I think he's very nice young man." "Strange, but nice." "Is he really in the greeting card business?" "Yes, of course." "Why do you ask?" "Oh, I don't know." "Your father used to always say he was in the greeting card business." " And wasn't he?" " Didn't you know?" "Your father was a spy." "( theme music playing )"