"For the past few years Ricky Gervais," "Stephen Merchant and Karl Pilkington have been meeting regularly for a series of pointless conversations." "This is one of them." " Testing." " Is that all right?" "Hello and welcome to "The Ricky Gervais Show"" "with me, Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant..." " Hello." " ..." "And the little round-headed buffoon that is Karl Pilkington." "Hi." "Now everyone knows over the past few years, my big pet project hasn't been my own career;" "it's been get Karl famous." " Yeah." " I want people to recognize him in the street, come up to him and say, "you bald-headed manc twat."" "Well, let me tell you now, Rick," "I've been out and about, and a lot of people have come up to me and said," ""has Karl Pilkington got a head like a fucking orange?"" "And I've had to instantly confirm the answer to be yes." "But he's had a call." "He had a call recently from a film company asking him if he's got any ideas for movies." "Now how desperate..." "in what dire straits must the British film industry be that they're going, "we need Karl Pilkington." "We have hit rock bottom,"" "and he went along for an interview?" "So what?" "And you went in, and you..." "I went along and, um, had a meeting." "And they just said, "right, you know." "Got any ideas?"" "And so I says, you know, "what are you thinking?" "What sort of thing are you after?" "Are you after action, thriller, whatever?"" "Because you can provide any of that." "I love that he's playing it cool, like, "you've come to the right person." " My time's precious." "What do you need?"" " Yeah." ""Yeah, I'm Karl Pilkington, the movie doctor." "What do you need, papa?"" "So I thought of this idea sort of on the spot." "Good, punny." "No, but sometimes that's how good ideas come up, don't they?" " Yeah." " Just random." "It's how a lot of yours have come up, yeah." "No, but if you just talk," "I find that your mouth comes out with stuff." "Right, there's another quote." " Right." " There is another quote." ""If you talk, your mouth comes out with stuff."" "That to me stands along with "what were those things in 'gremlins' called?"" "No, but what I mean..." "if you sit there and try and use your brain to do it..." " Right." " ..." "It doesn't work the same." "Just keep talking." "Just keep your mouth talking and eventually it will come out with something pretty good." "That is exactly what Plato said..." " So anyway..." "..." "To Aristotle." "He said, "sit down." "I've got an idea for you."" "Aristotle said, "Plato, how do I do it?"" ""Right, just keep talking and eventually your brain will come out with stuff."" "So what I thought..." "I just started off by saying, like, actors' names and that who I thought should be in it, 'cause then that's giving more... it's building." " Right." " Okay, who did you say?" "Who did you say?" "So I said, "right, I'm seeing..." "Clive Warren."" "Who the fuck's Clive Warren?" " Who's Clive Warren?" " The one who was in "Closer."" " Clive Owen." " Clive Owen." "Right, all right." "Did they look at you like you're a fucking idiot?" "So they all start trying to figure out," ""who's this Clive Warren we've not heard about?" "He must be amazing."" ""Yeah, Clive Warren." "Get me Clive Warren on the phone."" " "Get me Clive Warren."" " And I said, "Rebecca de Mornay," right?" "Where did that come from?" "She hasn't been in a film for 15 years, has she?" "Clive Warren and Rebecca de Mornay." "They thought he was a genius!" "They've never thought of putting Clive Warren with Rebecca de Mornay." "But hang on a minute." "You could have..." "You could have any film star..." "This is your fantasy casting... and you choose a bloke who doesn't exist and a woman who hasn't been on TV or in a film for 10 years?" "Oh God!" " Why didn't you choose, you know..." " Someone who existed?" " ..." "J-Lo or someone who's a big star?" " Oh God." "Clive Warren." "Oh God!" " Oh God." " So anyway, it starts off, and the people... you know, you see into their lives from right in the morning." "So it's like a nice sunny day." "The radio is on." "They're going about the day, having their breakfast." "They're saying, "what we doing tonight?"" "And you think, "oh, they've got a nice life."" "She's like, "love you," and all that, yeah?" "He walks out of the house, gets hit by a bus." " Oh." " So Clive Warren's dead." "I don't know if Clive Warren would take that part." "'Cause he ain't got much to do, has he?" " No." "If I know Clive Warren..." " And I think you do." "I think I do." "Carry on." "So he's hit by a bus, so he's dead." "So he's hit by a bus and that." " The titles come up." "It's got you, right?" " Oh yeah." " "Starring Clive Warren."" " She's fed up." "She's devastated and that." "Um, the doctor says, "Clive's dead."" "Who's playing the doctor?" "Jack Nicholsonhouse?" "Um, sort of." "What's that fella who was in "Independence Day"?" " Um, Will Smith?" " No, the old... the old black fella." " Morgan Freeman." " Yeah." " Get him in." " Morgan Freeman, yeah." "He says, "your husband's dead."" "She's like, "oh God."" "What happens then is..." "he says, "but listen." "What we can do now..." "We can take the brain out..."" " Right." " Right." "And a fact that I'd read that day before the meeting... and this isn't in the film though; this is me." "Right, but luckily you had read the fact." "I read a thing about how the brain can... it can run on half of it." " You've actually got a full brain." " Some of us have." " So this was in my mind still." " Well, half your mind, yeah." "So I said, "what happens is Morgan Freeman says, 'been working on this." "You can run..." " You can run your life on half a brain.'"" " Right." "She's sort of a bit like, "what are you telling me this for now?" "My husband's just died, like, 20 minutes ago."" "And he goes, "yeah, but if we're gonna do this, we've got to act quick."" "She's like, "do what?"" "He says, "whilst his brain's not fully dead..."" "'cause it stays awake for a bit when you get killed." "Oh, he's not dead then." "Fine." "No no, yeah, he is, but they found out That it stays awake a little bit..." " No no no." " No, he's gone." " He's been hit by a bus." " Yeah, no, he's dead." "If the brain's dead, you are dead." "Clive Warren's dead." "If the brain's not dead, you're not dead." "It's like people in a coma..." "They're dead, aren't they?" " No no." " They're only in a coma." " They come out of comas, don't they?" " All right, he's in a coma." "He's been hit by the bus, but the chances are he's not gonna come out of that coma, but his brain is still awake." "So change that." "That's easily done." "Hold on though." "I like this fact that he's in a coma, so they're going, "look, he's definitely gonna die in this coma." "Take the brain out now." "Pop the brain out."" "But why is that such a weird thing when that's what they do now?" " That's what they do now." " What is?" " That's what they do." " What?" " They do that." " What?" "!" "What, a brain transplant?" "No, but when, like..." "How I've signed that donor card." " If anything happens to me..." " No no no no." "There's no such thing as a brain donor." "We've explained to you before." "Yeah, but they're working on it." "They've said something about Einstein." "They messed about with his brain for ages trying to work out if it was full of stuff." "That's what they're doing." "They're working on that." "There's loads of things that doctors are doing that we don't know about." "I've seen some weird stuff on the Internet." "Yeah, I know you have, yeah." "I saw a program on Channel 5 where a monkey brain was still alive, and it was stuck on a stick." "And they..." "You were watching the "Magic Roundabout."" "They poked it and it reacted." " Right." " So it's still alive." "It's being kept alive and it's only a matter of time." "What's the brain linked up to?" "As long as you can link it up to the eyes and somehow..." "So it can tell the arms and legs what to do, you're laughing." "I love that." "Imagine a team full of a doctors going," ""well, we're gonna try new brains out on Karl." "As long as you can link this up to the eyes and tell the arms and legs what to do, we're laughing." "Cheers, Karl." "See you later."" "Then what happens is they say," ""do you want half of his brain in your head?"" "Half of his brain in her head?" "She says, "definitely not." "I'm having you struck off."" "She starts screaming." "She calls the police." "He gets arrested." "Yeah, but you'd have said that years ago when people can have someone else's arm put on their body and stuff." "Yeah, but he's only in a coma." " Yeah." " No, but he's not gonna come out of that coma." "So it's like this or nothing." "He's like, "look, you know, what we're gonna do here..." "We can either turn the switch off or we can put his head in your head."" " But why would you..." " So what they do then..." " They're gonna take half his brain." " Half of his brain." "Take out half of hers, pop it in place." " Why would she do that?" " Because she loves him." "But hold on." "Well, no no." "Wait wait wait wait." " What would she then be?" " Because this is what I'm trying to tell you." " Okay okay, sorry." " What happens is he explains all this to her." "This would probably cover about 20 minutes in the film, but I'm just rushing." "I just switched off, but yeah." "No, you wouldn't." "This bit would have you." " So what..." " But I'd have actually left when I..." "I wouldn't even have gone in to see a film starring Clive Warren and Rebecca de Mornay Unless it was 1985." "So the thing is she's the same as you." "She says the same thing." "She goes, "why would I do that, doctor?"" "And he goes, "well, what will happen is he's gone, but you'll have his thoughts." "So in the morning when you say, 'oh I don't know what to have." "Will I have cornflakes?" "'" " his bit of the brain will sort of say..."" " Have weetabix." "..."'Have shredded wheat or whatever.'"" " and she's like, "oh yeah, good idea."" " Sorry." "Sorry, so the point of this film is the... the dead man can remind her what breakfast cereal she likes?" " Yeah." "So the thought..." " What do you mean yes?" "So that's it, is it?" "No no no no, that's not the only thing." "Ooh, wait a minute." "This is only act one." "That's just the first bit." "Everything's going well." "She has it done." "So what is..." "Who is she?" "Is she herself?" "She's Rebecca de Mornay, but now with him chipping in with a bit of voiceover." "So the idea is it's all going well at the beginning, and she's..." "So she can't decide what to wear?" "So she's had half of her brain taken out and put in a bin, okay, and Clive Warren's half has been put in there." "So now she's walking around, okay." "So she's like a schizophrenic." "No, like I say, the brain is alive." "So it's all going well when she leaves hospital." "And she gets the first taste of it, and it's a bit weird to get ahold of 'cause she's sort of..." "I think when she signs herself out, he's sort of fighting, writing his name and stuff." "So there's a few sort of technical things that she has get used to." " And does Clive's brain know he's now inside her brain?" " What does he think?" "Um..." "Does that matter?" " Well, I would say it matters..." " Yes." "..." "Because otherwise he..." "Yes, it does matter, Karl." "What's..." "what's he thinking?" "What's the point of this?" "Why has she gone along with this?" "Because she really loves him." "But what's in it for him?" "What does she think..." "Well, say if I died and Suzanne said," ""go on, I'll have half of Karl's," right?" "She would wake up in the morning to a thought of me sort of going," ""you'll never guess what I've just thought about."" "I'd still be there." "The rest of your body is sort of waste, isn't it?" " But, Karl..." " "The rest of your body is sort of waste"?" "No, it is kind of." "When someone dies, it's not that person anymore, is it?" "You can't have a chat with them." "So if you could have someone's brain in your head when they're dead, you'd have it, wouldn't you?" "What are you talking about?" "Why would I have someone's brain in my head when they're dead?" "I've got a perfectly good brain." "So you're telling me you wouldn't have it done then?" "Of course I fucking wouldn't!" "I can also categorically state I wouldn't either." "You're saying that now, but once you're in that position, that someone who you love and that dies... if the doctor said, "do you want it?"" "No!" "I'd go "no!"" "It's madness!" "It's madness!" "All right, all right, all right." "So tell me a typical bit of dialogue." "Um, well, we've done the breakfast scene." "That was dynamite." "That's fucking Oscar-winning." "Yeah, can we do lunch?" "Then maybe, like, at the funeral... because even though the brain's still alive, they still have the funeral, and you can have, like, a funny bit where they stood around the grave and, like, there's some relation there who he doesn't like." "And she can start laughing, and the family looking at her, going, "why is she laughing?"" "She's laughing and he's saying something rude, going, "look at her head."" " Do you know what I mean?" " "Looks like a fuckin' orange."" "A little cameo for you." "Yeah." "And so you have all that and people are liking the film, thinking," ""oh, it's quite funny this." And then you hit them hard." "It's the most... it is the most ludicrous idea for a film I've ever heard!" "It's the maddest!" "Honestly, it really is the ramblings of a mental case." "I have to say though I am hooked now." "I want to know what's gonna happen next in the story." "Then what happens is she hears the voice go," ""Leslie, where are you?"" " Or something." " Right." " Her name's not Leslie." " No?" "She's thinking, "who's Leslie?"" "So in her mind she's going, "who's Leslie?"" "He's going, "oh."" "So he's thought, "hang on, I've let something slip here."" " So she's going, "answer me."" " Oh!" " And he goes quiet on her." " Oh!" " So..." " He was having an affair." "This is..." "this is the thing." "So she's trying to hunt down..." " Leslie." " ..." "Leslie." "And he's gotta stop her thinking it." " Then what happens is, I mean, you know..." " "Weetabix!"" "So he's gotta hunt down Leslie?" "So he's gotta... she's gotta hunt down Leslie." " It's a woman, is it?" " It's another woman." "But what happens is..." "I mean, without ruining the end for everyone, what would sort of happen is..." "Oh yeah, 'cause we don't wanna ruin it for 'em." "This'll be filling the multiplexes in no time." "It's the greatest love story ever told set in a head." " But listen..." " Hang on a sec there, Karl." "You've got to tell us the end." "I don't think you can let people..." "Come on, what's the end?" " Just let your mouth talk." " Right, so what I said was," ""maybe what happens is his brain is more powerful than hers."" "Right." "How it's..." "How is there power?" "I don't..." "Why is there now power involved?" "What I mean is her brain was running the rest of her body." " Mm, now he's taking over." " His brain... that gets more powerful and overrules her body." " Okay." " Yeah." "She then fancies Leslie." " So hold on." " So it's a lesbian film." "This is building up to a lesbian love..." " So what the..." "What?" " It's trendy, isn't it, that?" " So just have a bit of that at the end and..." " So hold on." "So he overpowers her, so she is now a lesbian." "What's Leslie getting out of this?" "Why does Leslie think, "hold on, why is my dead lover's wife coming on to me?"" "Because... this is what I'm saying to you." "It's... relationships..." "Is the love of two brains." "Right, okay." "Again, can anyone out there..." "Can we make that into..." "That's a quote." ""Relationships is a love of two brains."" "Now he's got something there." "He's got something there." "But my point is this." "Why has Leslie suddenly turned lesbian?" "Because she loves the brain." "But does she know this is Clive Warren?" "Rebecca will say something now and again like, "oh, I like my..."" "Minge." ""I like my food done like this," or whatever." " And it's all about..." " "Cooked..." "I love my food cooked."" ""Wait a minute, Clive Warren loved his food cooked."" ""Yeah, I'm in two minds about this bacon."" ""I'm gonna turn into a lesbian."" " People..." " "Shredded wheat."" "People like what they like." "And it's the same way like I've said to you before with someone who's been going out with a woman and then he's found out that she's got a twin sister." "And they divorce that first twin and go out with the other twin." "It's all the same." "You're after the same thing, aren't you?" " Yes, but that..." " When a cat dies, you buy another one." "It's the same thing." "You want that same love..." "Yeah, but you don't necessarily switch your sexual orientation." "In the case of your twin scenario, they both look the same." "Yeah." "Has there ever been one where it's a twin boy and girl?" ""Well, I was going out with her, but I mean he looks a bit like her."" ""I loved boobs." "Now I like cock."" "This is your problem..." "You don't know anything." "And this theory about if your mouth talks enough, the brain'll kick in soon..." "It hasn't." "Oh, chimpanzee that..." "He's written it down again!" "Extracts from his famous diary." ""Box jellyfish, crocodiles, snakes, blue ring octopus, red black spiders, funnel web spiders, great white sharks..." "Just some of the reasons that put me off going to Australia."" ""Every creature is bigger and angrier than anywhere else on the world." "I put it down to two things..." "One, it could either be because spiders and snakes and the like normally hide under rocks." "The earth is one big rock." "Australia's at the bottom of the big rock and they're trying to hide under it."" "Karl, you are a maniac!" "I was just thinking about it... thinking about where spiders go and that." " And that works, doesn't it?" " No!" "Why doesn't that work like a rock?" "'Cause there's no real upside down and bottom of the earth, is it?" "It's all relative to what?" "It's relative to what?" "A map that you saw." " Well, it's a coincidence, isn't it?" " Okay, read on." ""I've heard that a lot of people go camping in Australia, which I think's mental." "If I was to fly all that way, I'd want a decent bed." "Plus I wouldn't be camping in a place where there are killer spiders wandering around."" " I agree." " "I've only been camping a few times, and each time I was glad when it was over." " The last time was last year in Lyme Regis."" " Yeah." " When'd you go camping in Lyme Regis?" " Last year." "It's all right, Lyme Regis." "But it was all a bit of a nightmare 'cause I was going with my mate and he said he knew someone who knew someone who had a bit of land in the garden." "Who had a bit of land in the garden?" "What's the point, though, in it?" "What's the point of camping in someone's garden where there's a spa down the road and a pub?" "No, because you're by the sea, aren't ya?" "It's getting away from it all, seeing the world." "It's not if you're in someone's front garden." " No, back." " Oh sorry." "Well, there's even less to see except three fences." "No, but it's private, isn't it?" "So the thing is he said, "oh, it's a great garden." "The owners are away and there's a toilet... an outside toilet that they have for... like when they have parties and stuff."" "So we get there and this lad who knew about this bit of land..." " Someone's back garden?" " Well, yeah." "... Said, "oh, you can't use it." "They haven't gone on holiday."" "So now you're stuck in the middle of a big civilized conurbation called Lyme Regis." "How are you gonna survive?" "Well, we ended up just sort of keeping on the beach." "Did you pitch your tent on the beach?" "Put the tent on the beach." "We found somewhere where there was a load of rubbish." " Oh, nice." " That's the place to go, yeah." " A municipal tip." " What was it?" "Was it chemical waste or just like, you know..." "No, just coke cans and stuff." " Was it just syringes and baby diapers?" " Oh, lovely." " You've got to think about that." " Was some of it rusty?" "If there's rubbish there, it means it was a good place to camp." " Why?" " 'Cause other people have camped there." " Right." " So that's how you've gotta look at it." "It's like... it's a way..." "that's like a little tip of..." " so you could have slept in a public lavatory?" " Yeah yeah." ""This one's nice." "Why?"" ""It's covered in shit." "It means other people have had a shit here."" ""Welcome to our five-star hotel." "You'll notice vomit all over the fucking walls."" ""That means people had a good time here." "They got right pissed up and threw their lungs up."" "So that's where we put down the tent." "We put down the tent there." " And then what was annoying is..." " He puts down a tent." " We... what's her name?" " It was already up." "He carried it all the way from London." " They went, "let's pack it down."" " Yeah." "The weird thing was as soon as we set up, some other people turned up." "Oh, next to the rubbish tip." "Holidaymakers, they..." "They started setting up their tents and we're like, aw." ""No!" "Near..." "Look, there's some nappies over there." "Move nearer the nappies."" " And they offered us some sausages." " All right." "My mate said, "oh, ignore 'em." "That's, like, code for swingers."" " What?" " No!" " So there were some people cooking some sausages..." " Yeah." "...Saying, "would you like some sausages?" "We've made too much."" "And you said, "no, that's code for swinging"?" "Don't talk to strangers." "It's like we wanna get away from it all." "We don't want someone..." "You know, it starts off with sausages, doesn't it?" " And before you know it..." " But what did these people look like?" " They were about 45." " Who were they though?" " A man and a woman." " A man and a woman." "So what was in it for the bloke?" "Uh, some people like that, don't they?" "I mean did he say, "right, I want the bald one, love"?" "If it's like wife swapping, shouldn't one of you be a wife?" "No, but I don't..." "I don't know all the rules and that." " But, uh..." " He's just got a real thing for fuckin' oranges." "And we didn't want any sausages anyway." " So we just sort of..." " I don't believe sausages is a code for swingers, 'cause eventually..." "How many times did they give someone sausages and then go, "get your pants off then"?" ""What?" "We just wanted some sausages."" ""This isn't working, this code." " We need a better code."" " Why would we be being offered sausages?" "Because they're nice people and they're making sausages." "Yeah." "Makes you wonder." ""We don't..." "Let's not trust these people." "Let's move our tent nearer to the corpse."" "So... so, yeah, that was the camping." ""September 30th." "Going away with Suzanne's mom and dad." "We're meeting them at Madeira airport as they're flying in from Manchester." "The plane was full and I had a headache."" ""There was a baby sat behind us that was crying its eyes out for the whole flight." "The mother of it said it was upset 'cause its ears were hurting." "So were mine."" "Oh God!" "Oh." ""We went to try and find a supermarket." "Suzanne's mom was having a go at her dad 'cause he didn't have a shirt on." "She said he looks a mess and is embarrassed to be seen with him." "It's their Ruby anniversary tomorrow."" " That's why we went away." " Oh yeah." ""I bought a fan to put in our room to drown out the sound of the mopeds." "I've heard Wayne Rooney does the same thing with a vacuum cleaner."" " What?" " If you've just got a noise that's constant, it makes you nod off and it drowns out every other background noise." "So all you've got is..." "if it's a vac, it's just..." "And if that's constant all night, you just nod off." "The people next door are going, "they've got their vacuum on again." "Poke... poke the chicken."" "That's how nuclear wars start." "Yeah." " It works." " Doesn't work." " We watched..." " Earplugs drown out everything." "I've tried them." "I didn't like it, did I?" " Why not?" " 'Cause I could hear my heart beat." "Oh you're such a strange little creature." " Oh." " "Didn't do much this morning." "Just sat by the pool..."" ""..." "Saving insects that flew into it."" "I'm gonna die!" "Like fucking Noah." " That's crazy!" "Nothing..." " How were you saving them?" "Did you wait for them to hit the water, then fish 'em out or you grabbed 'em in the air?" "I stuck my finger on the top." "They grabbed on, lifted it off." "And what..." "like some sort of insect lifeguard, you'd see some that landed and then go, "right, that's me"?" "And you'd go in there?" "But it's hard to turn sort of a blind eye to stuff like that 'cause you know that's something..." "You're witnessing death." "And if you can save something, you do, don't you?" "You do your bit." "And at night, I'd sort of think," ""have they learned their lesson or will they be back and will they be dead in there tomorrow?"" "But if they can get an extra day, I've done my bit." "I can't do more than that." "I am on holiday." "Do your bit." "I'm lucky enough to see the world." "Do your bit." " I love it." " I d my bit." "I love it." "I love it." "I love the fact that he was running around saving flies and things." "It's just something... there's something so sort of..." " Meanwhile, an old lady drowned..." " Yeah." "While he was saving a beetle."