"Good evening, senors and senoras, and members of our little book of the week club." "Originally, I was to play a different role, but I proved to be a rather bulky bookmark." "Tonight's little volume takes us to exotic nearby Mexico, home of the tortilla, the bullfight and the 40-hour coffee break." "It is called, "The Diplomatic Corpse."" "Allow me." "Desert." "That's all it is, desert." "Nothing but sand and rocks and a few wretched palm trees." "Well, don't forget the geraniums, Auntie." "Chin up, darling." "We've only got another week of it." "Geraniums belong in pots, not growing wild all over the place like weeds." "Well, after all, Auntie, this is California." "For the life of me, Janet, I cannot understand why you would want to leave England for this." "It's easy, Auntie." "This is where my husband lives." "Where are we now, Evan?" "We're just coming to an old Spanish mission." "It's very historic." "It's over 200 years old." "Westminster Abbey was consecrated in 1050." "That's over 900 years old." "This style of architecture was brought up from Mexico by the Franciscan monks." "Now admit it, Auntie." "It's a lovely old building." "It's certainly an improvement on those biscuit tins that Evan builds." "Evan is a modern architect and a very good one, too." "If that's what the people of California want, they're welcome to it, believe me, but for myself, I'm sure that I shall prefer Mexico." "How far is it, Evan?" "Oh, Tijuana's about 55 or 60 miles." "Well, why don't we go there?" "I think I should enjoy it." "Well, it's out of the question, Auntie." "If you leave the country, your visitor's permit will be invalidated." "Rubbish." "We'll only be there a few hours." "What possible difference can it make?" "Evan's right, Auntie." "They're awfully strict." "Well, they wouldn't let you back in the country." "They'll let you in, won't they?" "Yes, of course, but then..." "Well, Evan was born here and I'm a citizen now." "All right, I'll be a citizen, too, if they ask me." "With your accent?" "It won't work, Auntie." "All right, I'll tell you what we can do." "We can drive up to the border and look across, hmm?" "Oh, no." "No, that's not the same thing at all." "I want to go to Mexico." "I'm leaving next week, and it's my only chance." "Now, come along." "Let's get going." "Where are you going, please?" "Just down to Tijuana for some shopping." "We'll be back in a few hours." "Drive on." "Thank you." "Auntie, wake up." "We've got a surprise for you." "You're in Mexico." "Auntie, it's safe to wake up now." "What's wrong?" "The moment I touched her hand..." "It's her heart." "Get the pills out of her bag." "She's cold." "All the time we thought she was asleep..." "Well, get her to a doctor, Evan." "Hurry!" "It's too late." "She's dead." "You'd better give me your coat, darling." "Sorry I panicked, darling." "I went all to pieces." "It's all right, darling." "Let's get you that drink." "Do you speak English?" "Well, could you direct us to a doctor?" "Sure." "Dr. Gomez." "Down the street, big sign in front of house." "Thanks." "Here." "Keep the change." "I don't want a strange doctor." "We'll take Auntie home to Dr. Elliot." "It's just a formality, honey." "He fills out the death certificate, that's all there is to it." "Janet, I don't want to sound callous about this, but I'm not gonna be a hypocrite either." "She was an old tyrant, and we put up with her crazy whims for only one reason." "I suppose." "Well, I am her niece, her only relative, so there's no reason why we should feel guilty." "After all, we earned anything we inherit." "Nobody can say that we didn't." "Exactly." "How much do you say the old girl was worth?" "Oh, Evan." "In the neighborhood of 30,000 pounds." "And that's a very exclusive neighborhood." "Evan, the car's gone." "Somebody's stolen it." "Well, we've got to call the police." "Yes." "No!" "Are you crazy?" "How are we going to explain the fact that we smuggled a corpse into Mexico?" "We've got to find Auntie." "How?" "Well, we'll get someone we can trust." "A lawyer, a private detective." "You're worried, you're troubled." "I can see that clearly." "Of course, only the troubled ones come to Tomas Salgado, but if I had met you on the street, I could have seen that." "'Cause you see, we detectives, we have to be students of human nature." "Just a little precaution." "Yes, I am a specialist in discreet investigations." "By the way, who recommended me?" "The bartender at that cantina." "I forget the name of it." "Bartender?" "That's the El Toro." "Very nice." "It has atmosphere." "Now, your problem, senor, senorita, of a delicate nature, yes?" "No, my name is Evan Wallace and this is my wife." "Oh." "Oh." "I..." "I could see that right away." "Our car was stolen." "We don't want to embarrass anybody, but we do want it back." "Can you help us?" "Unquestionably." "May I have the circumstances?" "Certainly." "It was taken less than an hour ago from the front of the cantina, the El Toro." "It's a black '57 sedan." "Black sedan." "License number, N-L-K-7-6-6." "5, darling." "7-6-5." "7-6-5." "And how long do you intend to stay in Tijuana?" "We'll be leaving as soon as we get our car back." "And that's why we came to you, Mr. Salgado." "Well, we don't want to go through a lot of red tape and filling out reports and that sort of thing, and..." "Well, you know what I mean." "Oh." "The car, she's hot, yes?" "The car she is hot, no." "We didn't steal it." "It's registered in our name." "Then there's no objection to the police knowing." "Certainly not." "No, we just want to avoid a lot of official complication." "There will be none of that." "I guarantee you, you'll have the car back within 24 hours." "Where are you going to stay?" "Well, we..." "We aren't staying anywhere." "I guess we'll have to stop at a hotel." "In that case, may I recommend The Bella Vista?" "Great charm." "Thank you." "What's your fee, Mr. Salgado?" "Let's see." "Now, you're in a great hurry, so I'll have to put every available man on the case." "That means five times expenses, 75, gratuities, 25, overtime five times." "That will be 150 pesos." "How much is that in American money?" "Approximately..." "Approximately $20." "Well, all right." "No, it's not all right." "You will kindly pay in advance." "And please leave everything up to Salgado." "Now, don't worry, and enjoy your stay in Tijuana." "It's just like her!" "Why did she have to die in Mexico?" "Why couldn't she die in front of that monastery?" "Darling, would you stop pacing and get some rest?" "You're not resting." "I keep thinking about poor Auntie." "What about poor us?" "If Salgado finds the car, he's sure to know about Auntie." "And all we can do is offer him money to keep him quiet." "How much have you got?" "I don't know." "About $15, I think." "I've got about $50." "Who is it?" "Chief of Police, Manuel Herrera." "Mr. Evan Wallace?" "Yes." "Yes, I'm Evan Wallace." "May I come in, please?" "Yes." "My wife." "How do you do?" "Won't you sit down?" "You are the owner of a '57 black sedan," "California license N-L-K-7-6-5?" "Yes." "The car was stolen from you?" "The theft was not reported to the police." "No, I thought..." "I intended to tomorrow." "Instead, you retained the services of one Tomas Salgado to locate your car." "Is this so?" "Yes, sir." "A car answering your description has been recovered by the police department." "You will come downstairs with me and identify it." "All right." "May I get my coat?" "I'll wait." "This is your car, Senor?" "Yes." "Yeah, it's my car." "Examine it, please." "Tell me if any damage has been done to it." "Anything missing, Senor?" "No, no." "No, no." "No, there's nothing missing." "Then I would suggest that the next time you have difficulty in Tijuana, you inform the police." "That is exactly what Tomas Salgado did, after pocketing the money you paid him." "I'm sorry for the inconvenience you have been caused, Mr. Wallace." "The car was taken merely for a joy ride by a juvenile." "Again, my apologies." "I hope you will come back to Tijuana." "Good night." "Somebody's taken her out of the car." "The police?" "No, it couldn't have been." "They would have said something, probably arrested me." "Evan, let's get out of here." "Let's go home as fast as we can." "We can't." "Without the body, we can't prove she's dead." "We won't get the money." "We've got to find Auntie." "And that crook Salgado is going to help us." "Get in the car." "I want a few words with you, Salgado." "Yes." "Oh, how nice you came to say goodbye." "I was afraid I would not see you again." "You mean you were afraid you would." "I do not understand." "Your trouble, she was resolved satisfactorily, yes?" "It certainly wasn't." "If we'd wanted the police to find the car, we wouldn't have needed you." "You didn't do a thing for the money we paid you." "But the car, she was returned in good order, yes?" "Yes." "And within 24 hours, no?" "No thanks to you." "With no inconveniences, no forms to fill out, no red tape?" "No." "And yet he comes here and he complains he's not satisfied." "Why?" "Well, there's more to it." "Aha!" "Can we talk here?" "If you don't raise your voice." "Would you like a drink?" "No." "Salgado, can we trust you?" "Trust me with your life." "No police from now on." "Of course." "Well, the reason we came down here was because of my wife's aunt." "She wanted to see Mexico." "She was in the car when it was stolen." "Kidnapping." "No." "At least, I don't think so." "You see, she's dead." "Murder." "No, no, nothing like that." "She died of a heart attack." "Before she was kidnapped?" "Yes, of course." "She was dead when we crossed the border." "Tell me, Senor." "You can depend on me." "I'm a specialist in discretion." "But why did you bring a corpse into Mexico?" "Mr. Salgado, we didn't know." "Well, we thought she was asleep." "It wasn't until after we crossed the border that we discovered that she was dead." "Before we could locate a doctor, the car was stolen." "And when the police brought the car back, the body was gone." "We simply have to find it..." "Her." "It can be done." "For you, anything." "Of course, it will be a little expensive." "How much is it gonna cost me?" "Let's see." "Just tools of my trade." "Now never mind the estimate." "Just give me a flat price." "Flat price?" "Three hundred pesos." "Now, I guarantee results later." "All right." "But you'd better work fast." "If somebody else finds that body, I want my money back." "Then he would need it for a defense attorney." "If I have to stay in this room one more minute, I'm gonna go raving mad." "I went off my rocker an hour ago." "Have some tacos." "I'm not that hungry." "Coffee?" "Good news." "Salgado, where have you been?" "You've found Auntie?" "I have located a man who knows exactly where she is." "Who?" "The thief." "Who else could have removed the body?" "Who else would know where she's hidden?" "Only one, the thief, my friend, Rafael." "Well, why couldn't you think of that this morning?" "Where is he?" "Unfortunately, he's in jail." "Can you get in to see him?" "No, we have to get him out." "Why?" "Why?" "Because freedom will loosen his tongue." "You understand." "I'm afraid I do." "How much is it gonna cost me?" "Flat price?" "$10." "If it's more, I'll pay it out of my own pocket." "Well, that's darn nice of you, considering I own that pocket of yours." "That's funny." "That's funny." "Hello, hello, hello, hello." "May I introduce my little amigo, Rafael?" "He's the thief." "Well, son, you're out of jail." "Now tell us where you hid the body." "What did he say?" "He says he speaks no English." "Well, you ask him." "I did ask him." "He says there was no body in the car." "She was empty." "He's lying." "He hid it someplace." "You make him tell us the truth." "I believe he's telling the truth." "I have it." "There are two thieves." "The one who meant to keep it, and my little amigo who just took her for a ride." "It doesn't make any sense, does it, Evan?" "My deductions are always correct." "Now, if I were the thief, what would I do?" "I find a car in front of the El Toro, so I steal her and I drive her away." "I'm happy." "Until, caramba, it contains a dead body." "Now, what if the police, they catch me?" "They think I have murdered her." "I drive the car into the alley." "I run and I run and I run." "Hours pass." "And then..." "Then my little amigo comes and he sees the car, and she's beautiful." "Now it is a temptation." "He knows it's wrong, but he's young and he takes her for a ride." "You see?" "My deductions are correct." "The mystery, she is solved." "Fine, fine." "Now tell us where the body is." "The body?" "I don't know everything." "After we pay the hotel bill, we'll have exactly $22." "All we can do now is go home without the body and make up some story." "And give up our inheritance?" "Well, we could report it to the police, but it'll sound kinda fishy." "Why did we wait so long to report it?" "Police." "Good news." "What do you want?" "I'm exhausted." "I'm completely exhausted." "From what?" ""From what"?" "From thinking." "Now let me try to explain." "You see, all Mexicans are very religious people, and for any Mexican to deny the final rite to a departed soul, it's unthinkable." "Now based on this fact, my brilliant deduction led me to investigate the alley where Rafael found your abandoned car." "You know where?" "Where?" "In front of a funeral home." "You mean the body is there now?" "You're positive?" "Positive." "Oh, thank heaven." "Evan, how are we gonna get it across the border?" "Well, we can't smuggle her across." "Oh, no, no, no." "You see, there's no death certificate and no identification, so you'll have to leave the necessary arrangements up to me." "Of course, there will be a slight fee." "Now look, I've only got $22." "That's the price." "Not enough, but I'll pay for the rest." "I know, out of your own pocket." "Don't let that worry you." "Evan, they're searching the hearse." "How much did you say we'll inherit?" "Over 30,000 pounds." "You don't think there's gonna be an inquest?" "Certainly not." "Dr. Elliot knows she had a bad heart." "He'll just examine the body and make out a certificate." "Evan, will you come in, please?" "Of course." "Doctor, there's nothing wrong, is there?" "You have no doubt that it was a natural death?" "No, death was due to natural causes, but..." "We'll have to go back to Mexico." "I'm gonna murder that crook Salgado!" "Oh, well, what can you expect from people who go out in the noonday sun?" "This, of course, was not the end of our travelogue." "The Wallaces eventually recovered Mrs. Tait's body, but this only led to another dilemma." "Mrs. Tait had always scorned the beauties of burial in Southern California." "Nor could they afford to ship her back to England." "So they did the next best thing and had her buried at sea." "By the way, you probably think I'm Alfred Hitchcock." "He is Alfred." "I am Omega." "Good night."