"tonight,a cnnspecial" "Event." "Congresswoman michele bachmann's" "Response to the president's" "State of the union address." "The second attempt." "[ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] goodevening." "I'm congresswoman michele" "Bachmann from minnesota's sixth" "District." "Four nights ago on behalf of the" "Republican party and the tea" "Party, I delivered a response to" "President obama's state of the" "Union address." "Unfortunately, that response was" "Marred by some technical" "Difficulties, and it seems that" "Its core message was not" "Properly conveyed." "Accordingly I have asked for" "This time tonight in order to" "Try again." "Because, you see, the issues are" "Simply too important and the" "Stakes for our nation too high" "To do otherwise." "So here goes." "[ laughter ]" "Two years ago when barack obama" "Became president, our nation's" "Unemployment rate was already 7.8%, and our national debt an" "Astonishing $10.6 trillion." "The economy was headed for" "Disaster." "As you can see from this chart." "[ laughter ]" "Not a pretty picture, is it?" "Yet, instead of addressing our" "Economic problems, this" "President's policies have made" "Them worse, as this next chart" "Clearly shows." "[ laughter ]" "That's right." "Under our current president" "We've gone from this to this." "[ laughter ]" "But it doesn't have to be this" "Way." "By simply reducing spending and" "Returning to the core governing" "Principles of our founding" "Fathers, we can have an economy" "That looks like this." "[ laughter ]" "But let's be honest, before any" "Of this can happen, we must" "First address the massive growth" "In entitlements, especially" "Social security." "I'm going to show you another" "Chart of the projected growth of" "Revenues into the social" "Security trust fund." "[ laughter ]" "A little hard to see because I" "Drew the line in white." "Now, here is the same graph" "Adding projected social security" "Expenditures, also in white." "[ laughter ]" "Sorry, that's not very clear." "Should we show that last graph" "In plaqblack?" "Do we have that?" "That's a little better." "Maybe not." "The point is the current" "Situation is unsustainable." "Consider this chart which shows" "The amount of federal spending" "Devoted just to interest on the" "National debt." "[ laughter ]" "This is is the one I dropped in" "The snow." "That's a shame." "That was important." "But the point is the american" "People don't need graphs or" "Charts to tell us what we" "Already know." "Our country is headed in the" "Wrong direction and we all" "Remember what this president" "Promised us just one year ago at" "His first state of the union." "All right." "Obviously, that's not president" "Obama." "No, I know it's on this tape." "I just don't know where." "I don't have time to find it" "Now." "So let me just conclude by" "Saying, I realize how much the" "American people are sacrificing" "During these troubled economic" "Times." "We republicans get it." "And we want you to know we're" "Doing some belt-tightening of" "Our own." "For example, this presentation" "You just saw was done on a" "Reduced budget." "I'm not kidding." "We didn't even hire a" "Professional director." "Seriously." "Or a trained graphic designer." "And here is something else," "Believe it or not, my makeup was" "Done by a child." "[ laughter ]" "As god is my witness, she's 5" "Years old." "So thank you for your attention." "May god bless america, and live" "From new york, it's Saturday" "Night!" "announcer:" "It's"Saturday" "Night live"!" "With fred armisen" "Abby elliott" "Bill hader" "Seth meyers" "Bobby moynihan" "Andy samberg" "Jason sudeikis" "Kenan thompson" "Kristen wigg" "Featuring vanessa bayer" "Paul brittain" "Taran killam" "Nasim pedrad" "Jay pharaoh" "Musical guest nicki minaj" "And your host, jesse eisenberg!" "Ladies and gentlemen," "Jesse eisenberg!" "[ cheers and applause ] thankyou,thankyou ." "Thank you, thank you very much." "It is so great to be here," "Hosting "Saturday night live."" "It's been a really exciting year" "For me." "I was in "the social network."" "[ cheers and applause ]" "Thank you very much." "And, you know, I'm actually" "Really glad to be here because," "You know, in a few movies I have" "Played guys who are kind of shy," "You know, and unassuming, and" "That is just not me at all." "You know, and as you will see" "Tonight, well, I'm really cocky," "You know." "In life, you know, I own it." "When I walk into a room, people" "Are just like, whoa, whoa, watch" "Out." "Who is that freight train of" "Confidence." "Or not." "I don't know." "That's presumptuous of me." "Anyway, although actually one" "Thing I am an expert in is" "Women." "You know, I do." "I know a lot about the ladies." "Like, for example, I know every 28 days a female will shed their" "Uterine lining." "[ laughter ]" "No, it's true." "That's true." "That would be a thing like if I" "Were out on a date, you know," "With a lady, she wouldn't have" "To explain that to me." "You know, because I already know" "It." "You know, because I'm so cocky" "And I can't wait for the oscars." "I'm going to -- thank you." "I am going to take jack" "Nicholson's seat in the front" "Row." "I'm going to say, sorry, jack," "Here's jesse." "I'm not going to say that." "Even thinking of saying" "Something like that is kind of" "Giving me a panic attack right" "Now." "You know what?" "I feel like I'm misrepresenting" "Myself." "well,misrepresentingpeople" "Is something you have a lot of" "Practice with." "whoa,markzuckerberg." "Hey, how are you?" "howamI?" "I'm bad, okay?" "You got nominated for an academy" "Award for playing me, and what" "Do I get, you know?" "What do I have to feel good" "About?" "wasn'tfacebookjustvalued" "At like $50 billion?" "oh,that'sright,yeah." "Well, good luck at your dinky" "Movie award thing." "All hail the zuck." "Why can't I go in there?" "I'm the real mark zuckerberg." "andI 'mprettysureatleast" "One of those guys is the real" "Mark zuckerberg?" "no,I am." "That guy is like my evil twin" "And that's andy samberg." "Those guys are such nerds." "I invented "poking."" "yeah." "You're better off backstage." "okay." "We're going to let you in on the" "Joke." "This isn't mark zuckerberg." "This is andy samberg." "yes,andmayIsay, jesse," "That I loved your zuckerberg." "How do you do yours?" "thankyou." "I speak in short clipped" "Sentences and I keep my head" "Very still like this." "But I love yours actually." "What is your technique?" "Iwearthissweatshirt." "And I say, I'm mark zuckerberg." "straightforward." "And, of course, I wasn't really" "Doing mark zuckerberg." "I was interpreting a fictional" "Character in a movie script." "[ cheers and applause ] thankyouforcominghere ." "wait." "Have you two not met?" "no." "no." "awkward!" "[ laughter ] well,I 'llbegoing." "Samberg out." "so- - so- - yeah,yeah." "Ireally,really,really" "Liked you on "60 minutes."" "thanks,man." "youeverendupseeingthe" "Film, "the social network."" "yeah,I did." "thanks." "And what did you think?" "itwasinteresting." "interesting." "You know, I'll take it." "Thank you, great." "Hey, you know what, why don't we" "Do this together." "cool,wehaveagreatshow" "For you tonight." "Nicki minaj is here." "right." "sostickaround." "We'll be right back." "[ cheers and applause ]" "let'sfaceit ,lifeis" "Pretty busy." "Even when you're not working it" "Seems like millions of other" "Things suddenly come up." "So if you're like me, a busy guy" "In a preop transsexual in his" "Third month of hormone" "Treatments, leading estrogen" "Supplement that works for your Schedule." "There they are." "You deserve to be the body you Want." "Most hormone replacement" "Therapies require you to take" "Five estrogen supplements a day," "Five." "Who has time for that?" "But now, there's hope." "Once daily estromaxx." "A single daily pill that gives" "You all the sex changing" "Hormones you need." "becauseI don'twanttospend" "My day taking estrogen, but I do" "Want to become a woman." "[ laughter ]" "I'mtheheadofa major" "Corporation." "I can't spend all day increasing" "Market share and turning my" "Penis in a functional vagina." "But with once daily estromaxx, I" "Can work while my estrogen does." "oncedailyestromaxxdoes" "What you need, grows your" "Breasts, redistributes your body" "Fat, and shrinks those pesky" "Male genitals." "I'mbecomingthepersonI" "Want to be and without the" "Hassle." "Thanks, estromaxx." "[ laughter ] oncedailyestromaxxtackles" "Gender reversal so you can" "Tackle life." "Ineedsomesyrupbecausemy" "Nipples are as big as silver" "Dollar pancakes." "[ laughter ] that'samazing." "Jf that's once daily estromaxx." "oncedailyestromaxxisa" "Powerful dose of estrogen." "If you do not wish to become a" "Woman, you should not take once" "Daily estromaxx." "[ laughter ]" "Men taking estrogen may develop" "An interest in tlc's "say yes to" "The dress."" "[ laughter ] oncedailyestromaxx." "Nature got in your way." "Your estrogen pills shouldn't." "[ cheers and applause ] you'rewatchingnickelodeon" "After dark." "Coming up, a classic episode of" ""mr." "Wizard."" "♪" "hey,kids." "all:" "Hey,mr ." "Wizard!" "todaywe'regoingtolearn" "About something called static" "Lelectricity and you're the" "Conductor." "Now, everything is made up of" "Atoms, but what floats around" "Those atoms?" "Does anybody know?" "Chris?" "Idon'tknow." "claudette?" "Idon'treallyknow." "lauren?" "electrons." "good!" "And we rub up against something," "Sometimes those tiny electrons" "Move." "Now, everyone take a balloon." "Now, what I want you to do is" "Rub that balloon on yourself." "♪" "There you go." "On your sweater, on your arm" "Like this." "You can even rub it on your" "Partner." "Go ahead." "Yeah." "Very good." "Get worked up." "It's science!" "[ laughter ] okay,chris,chris," "Claudette, guys, guys." "That's fine." "That's enough with the balloons." "Now, what have we just" "Experienced with the balloons?" "Chris?" "somethingnew." "yes,butwhat?" "Idon'tknow." "itfeltlikeagood headache." "actually,we'vecreatedan" "Electronic field, and if you get" "A strong-enough field, your" "Balloons can stick to anything," "Even a wall." "Let's go ahead and rub our" "Balloons again, but this time" "Just on our sleeves, everyone." "Just on the sleeve." "There you go." "Now, in order for it to stick," "You really need to rub a lot." "The more you rub the more those" "Electrons will transfer over" "Giving you a really powerful" "Static charge." "Are you guys feeling that" "Charge?" "yes." "Ifeelit !" "okay,okay." "That's enough." "Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, that's" "Enough." "Enough with the balloons." "Stop it." "We're all done." "thisisfun." "Not of that fun." "let'sputourballoonsonthe" "Board." "See how it sticks?" "How about that?" "Now what did we learn from the" "Experience." "Ilikerubbing." "notreally,no ,no ,no ." "Think about the experiment." "Did you learn anything?" "balloonsmakethingsgrow." "no,no,no ." "Let's move on." "Now, people aren't the only" "Conductors." "Have you ever heard of a" "Generator." "wow,that'sbig." "yeah,yeah." "sureis." "This electrostatic generator can" "Reach up to five megavolts just" "From all the vibrating." "Do you want to see what it can" "Do to you?" "yeah,hurryup ." "okay." "Here we go." "Now, go ahead and touch it." "See what happens." "What's happening here is we're" "Accelerating electrons to create" "An electromagnetic field." "If you stay in the field long" "Enough, you will be fully" "Charged with negative electrons." "Now, are you fully charged yet?" "yeah." "oh,sweetmaria,get off ,get" "Off of there, guys." "butit'sgoodfor me." "yes,I wantto do sciencein" "The shower." "no,youdon't." "No, you don't." "When we come back you'll learn" "Another great conductor, body" "Heat." "Oh, boy." "[ cheers and applause ]" "yeah,okay." "Welcome to "don't forget the" "Lyrics."" "I'm your host mark mcgrath, and" "Yeah, I do this now." "[ cheers and applause ]" "No, no, I don't know why." "Okay." "As always, our audience has been" "Force fed mountain dew and diet" "Pills since 5:00 this morning" "And they are ready to rock and" "Roll." "[ cheers and applause ]" "All right, let's bring out" "Today's contestant." "Everyone, please give a crazed" "Welcome to kenny lushing from" "Providence, rhode island!" "[ cheers and applause ] yes,I haveseenthisshow ." "allright." "Tell us a little about yourself," "Kenny." "well,mark,I'm22yearsold." "I'm a part-time student and I" "Was just fired from domino's" "Pizza for reasons of hygiene." "Yeah!" "[ cheers and applause ] that'sgreat." "You know the rules." "We supply the music, you supply" "The words." "But when the music cuts out," "Make sure you don't forget the" "Lyrics." "thatisthepurposeofthis" "Show, yes!" "I am feeling the wrath of" "Mcgrath." "Our first category is rock." "And your song choices are "love" "In an elevator" by aerosmith and" ""I love rock and roll" by" "Joan jett." "mark,I 'mgoingto go with"I" "Love rock and roll" because I" "Love rocks and I love rolls." "[ cheers and applause ]" "He knows, over there." "allright,kenny." ""I love rock and roll" by" "Joan jett." "We are looking for ten missing" "Lyrics." "All right?" "Hit it!" "allright." "Crank her up." "♪ I love rock and roll" "So put another dime in the" "Jukebox baby" "I love rock and roll ♪" "♪ so come and kiss a lime" "You dance machine ♪ [ laughter ] wow,okay,okay." "Come and kiss a line you dns" "Machine?" "Do you want to lock in those" "Lyrics?" "yeah,let'slockthemin." "oh!" "I'msorry,kenny." "The correct lyrics were "come" "And take the time and dance with" "Me."" "yeah." "Yeah, I'm sorry, I guess I'm a" "Little nervous." "it'sunderstandable,man." "This is vh1." "It's 2:00 in the afternoon." "It's all happening!" "[ cheers and applause ]" "Hey, don't worry because we're" "Moving on to the next song." "Are you ready, kenny?" "I'mready." "Are you ready, mr." "Mark?" "I'mundercontract!" "[ laughter ]" "Got to be ready." "So let's rock." "Our net category is pop and your" "Choices are "doctor, doctor" by" "Robert palmer or "fly" by my old" "Group sugar ray." "Ireallydon'trememberthe" "Song "fly" by sugar ray." "oh,really?" "Oh, that's funny because you" "Know who did remember that song?" "The marketing team for" "Cajun pringles in 1997." "They seemed to think it" "Represented a generation so -- okay,well,I'mstillgoing" "To go with "doctor, doctor."" "thedoctoris in ." "Hit it." "thisoneis forall the" "Doctors, male and female." "[ clapping ]" "♪ I need you ♪" "♪ to soothe my head" "And turn my blue heart" "To red" "Doctor, doctor ♪" "♪ give me the news" "I got one extra testicle ♪" "I'msorry." "Oh, my god, I'm sorry." "Oh, no." "I'msorry." "The lyrics were a bad case of" "Loving you, not one extra" "Testicle." "Where did that come from?" "frombirth." "sorry." "You know, when I get nervous I" "Kind of just like blurt whatever" "Is on my mind." "It probably happens all the" "Time." "no,notto me ." "I'm going to pick the next song" "For you." "It's an easy one." "It's "celebration" by kool and" "The gang." "You pumped?" "yeah,I thinkso ." "Yeah." "okay." "Here we go." "♪ celebrate saddam hussein ♪" "Iwasthinkingofanother" "Song." "whatsong?" "thereisno song." "thefinalround,the songis" ""it's not unusual" by tom jones." "He only need to give us three" "Missing lyrics." "They're the title of the song." "IthinkIcan dothis ,markey" "Mark." "differentguy." "areyougoingtodancethis" "Time?" "Idoubtit ,kenny." "No, I really do." "Wait, hold on." "Oh, I'm not allowed to stop" "Dancing?" "Okay." "I'm what?" "What are you saying?" "Oh, replaceable." "Okay." "You got it." "Sorry about that." "Hit it!" "♪ it's not unusual" "To get a boner" "At the movies [ laughter ]" "♪ it's not unusual" "If it was "toy story 3" ♪ that'snotrightisit?" "it'swrongon anumberof" "Levels, okay?" "But come back, okay?" "Come back when you want." "All right, that's the show." "Another day done for" "Mark mcgrath." "I make notches on my wall like" "I'm in prison." "This is vh1." "Good afternoon!" "[ cheers and applause ]" "nextweek,danacarveywith" "Musical guest linkin park." "you'rewatchingwstdnews" "New york." "goodmorning,everyone." "Our top story today, a" "Prestigious new york college is" "Reeling following a drug bust on" "Campus." "Veteran reporter herb welch is" "On the scene, who today is" "Celebrating his 58th year at our" "Network." "Herb?" "[ laughter ] hello,don." "hello,herb,and" "Congratulations." "Now, tell us whas what's" "Happening on campus." "I'mherewith" "Derrick smalls jr." "it'sjustderricksmalls." "I'm a junior in school." "oh- " "Now, tell me, what happened." "[ laughter ] um,okay." "The police came in with, like," "Dogs and stuff, and they busted" "Into the hinckley dorm." "areyousleepwalking?" "Do you have the flu?" "[ laughter ] what?" "you'rewearingpajama" "Bottoms." "Terry, get a shot of this." "that'sjustlike--that 's" "What I wear." "well,thereyouhaveit." "Changing times and changing" "Fashions." "Back to you, jack." "herb,herb,no ." "Let's follow up a little." "Did the young man know the" "Students involved?" "Come on." "what?" "didtheyoungman knowthe" "Students involved?" "Come on, like, dig a little" "Deeper." "Let's go, come on." "don'tgiveme thehighhat." "[ laughter ]" "Did you know the students?" "[ laughter ] yeah,actuallyIbought" "I" "Mean, no, no, I don't know them." "areyousadthey'retearing" "Down ebbetts field?" "comeon,herb." "Come on." "Idon'tknowwhatyou're" "Talking about." "exactly." "Let's stay on story, please." "who'syourfavoriteplayer?" "Is it pee wee reese?" "thisguykeepshittingmein" "The face." "Is that -- is that how tv works?" "no,itis not." "Herb, be professional." "jack,whydon'tyou sit on" "Inju" "Your jacket and I'll do the" "News." "wouldyoupleaseask him the" "Question." "didyouknowaboutthedrugs ?" "I- - well,answerme ." "noonehereishigh ." "I swear." "excuseme,I'manr.A. Here ," "And that's not true at all." "asaddayinbrooklyn." "Back to you, jack." "no,herb." "No." "Why don't you turn around and" "Talk to that r.A." "I'mnotgoingtotake" "Reporter lessons from a can of" "Hairspray." "[ laughter ] comeon." "[ laughter ] allright." "comeon,herb." "Hold it together, herb." "[ laughter ] layiton me ,my man." "What went down?" "[ laughter ] noonehereissurprised." "Drugs have been a problem in the" "Dorms for some time." "thereyouhaveit." "A city college now fully" "Integrated." "no,no!" "[ laughter ] no,thatis notthe story," "Herb." "don'ttellme howtoframe" "The lead." "noway." "Am I on tv?" "The gecko, not geico." "herb,comeon ." "[ screaming ] comeon,herb." "Damn it." "Iknowwhyyou 'reangrybut" "This guy is kind of awesome." "butheshouldbedoinghis" "Job." "maybeI oughtto be the" "Anchor again." "no,youcan'tbe, herb." "You were fired for praying the" "Rosary on the air." "fatherpatsaysgod loves" "Herb welch." "yeah,wellthefatherdoesn't" "Run the network." "don'ttalkaboutmyparish." "[ laughter ] okay,allright." "Just cut away, please." "Can we cut away?" "Our apologies to you at home." "Up next, we will talk to police" "Chief ray kelly." "Oh, but first some sad news, we" "Have just received word that" "Our own herb welch has died five" "Seconds ago." "We go to the scene now." "[ laughter ]" "I'mnotdead,you -- [ cheers and applause ]" "yeah." "Hi, I'm john, and this is the" "Freak." "♪ we get out at the club" "And you see a fly girl" "Do the creep" "♪ if you want to make friends" "At the atm" "Do the creep" "♪ we got a new dance" "So, get up on your feet" "It's really easy to do" "And it's called the creep ♪" "♪ lift your hands up" "Around like a marionette" "Pop your knees up and down" "And shake your neck ♪" "♪ now pull your waistband up" "Like you're expecting a flood" "And stick your hands down flat" "Like you're covered in mud ♪" "♪ a mud bath and pop them" "Peepers" "Focus on your sneakers" "You're a certified creeper ♪" "♪ when you see cut of beef" "Laying out at the beach" "Do the creep" "♪ and when a fly piece" "Walks in front of your tree" "Do the creep" "♪ you're 6 years old" "And that's sort of creepy" "My parents took me to their" "Room and I saw a peepee ♪" "♪ I cried" "When they lifted their head" "They saw me" "At the foot of the bed ♪" "♪ knew I was a creep" "Since the someday I was born" "My mother like" "Gotta go ♪" "♪ she started freaking" "Because I'm creeping ♪" "♪" "♪ little did they know" "That was me they were bottling" "I would laugh" "Ha-ha-ha-ha ♪" "♪ they were scared ♪" "♪ open up your peepers" "And turn up your speakers ♪" "♪ come on get your creep on ♪" "♪ do the creep" "Do the creep ♪" "♪ when you're seconds to wake" "And you see big cake" "Do the creep" "♪ when the judge is a hottie" "And you can't control your body" "Do the creep" "♪ keep your knees flexing" "And your arms t-rexing" "Do the creep" "♪ don'tforgetto smile." "[ cheers and applause ]" "ladiesandgentlemen," "Nicki minaj!" "[ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ]" "♪" "♪ you see right through me" "How do you do that?" "♪ how do you do that?" "How do you, how do you" "♪ how do you ♪" "♪ you let me win" "You let me ride" "You let me rock" "You let me slide ♪" "♪ and when they looking" "You let me hide" "Defend my honor" "Protect my pride ♪" "♪ the good advice" "I always hated" "But looking back" "It made me greater ♪" "♪ you always told me" "Forget the haters" "Just get my money" "Just get my weight up ♪" "♪ know when I'm lying" "Know when I'm crying" "It's like you got it" "Down to a science ♪" "♪ why am I trying" "No, you ain't lying" "I tried to fight it" "Back with defiance ♪" "♪ you make me laugh" "You make hoarse" "From yelling at you" "At gettin' at you ♪" "♪ picking' up dishes" "And throwing them at you" "Why are you speaking" "When no one asked you?" "♪" "♪ you see right through me" "How do you do that?" "♪ how do you do that?" "How do you, how do you" "♪ how do you?" "♪" "♪ you see right through me" "How do you do that?" "♪ how do you do that?" "How do you, how do you" "♪ how do you ♪" "♪ what are we doing" "Could you see through me" "Cause you say nicki" "And I say "who me?" ♪" "♪ you say "no you"" "And I say, "screw you"" "Then you start dressing" "And you start leaving ♪" "♪ and I start crying" "And I start screaming" "The heavy breathing" "But what's the reason ♪" "♪ always get the" "Reaction you wanted" "I'm actually frontin'" "I'm asking you something ♪" "♪ yo, answer this question" "Class is in session" "Tired of letting" "Passive aggression ♪" "♪ control my mind" "Capture my soul" "Okay, you're right" "Just let it go ♪" "♪ okay you got it" "It's in the can" "Before I played it" "You knew my hand ♪" "♪ you can turn a" "Free-throw to a goal" "He got the peephole" "To my soul ♪" "♪ you see right through me" "How do you do that?" "♪ how do you do that?" "How do you, how do you" "♪ how do you ♪" "♪ you see right through me" "How do you do that?" "♪ how do you do that?" "How do you, how do you" "♪ how do you ♪" "♪ stop" "Stop" "Won't you just stop" "Looking through me ♪" "♪ cause I can't take it" "No I can't take it ♪" "♪ you see right through me" "How do you do that?" "♪ how do you do that?" "How do you, how do you" "♪ how do you ♪" "♪ you see right through me" "You see right through me" "Baby ♪" "♪ you see right through me" "You see right through me ♪" "♪ do that" "Do that" "Do that" "Do that, baby?" "♪ [ cheers and applause ]" "goodevening." "I'm seth meyers." "Here are tonight's top stories." "inegypttensofthousands" "Of protesters angry with the" "Policies of hosni mubarak" "Clashed with police in what was" "Called a day of rage." "Sort of like what we have here" "Every time the mcrib goes away" "Again." "[ laughter ] representativemichele" "Bachmann this week created a" "Controversy when she said in a" "Speech that the founding fathers" "Worked tirelessly until slavery" "Was no more." "Apparently she spent her high" "School history class looking off" "To the right of the blackboard." "[ laughter ] presidentobamaon Tuesday" "Delivered the state of the union" "Address." "America's annual opportunity to" "Half heartedly applaud the idea" "Of solar panels." ""yeah, okay." "Never going to happen."" "During his speech, president" "Obama also called on americans" "To do big things, so get ready" "For the new kfc triple down." "[ laughter ] thisweekcomcastofficially" "Took control of nbc universal," "And I have to say, things are" "Better already." "Seriously, I have to say that." "[ laughter ] thisweekdespiteriotsand" "Calls for his resignation," "Egyptian president hosni mubarak" "Refused to step down and has" "Fired his entire cabinet." "Here to explain, and I can't" "Believe we got him to come all" "The way here, egyptian president" "Hosni mubarak." "[ cheers and applause ] thankyou,seth." "This is a very difficult time" "For everyone." "People in egypt are very, very" "Upset." "yes,andthey'reupset" "Because they want you to resign," "Correct?" "no,seth,theyloveme." "[ laughter ]" "They are upset because the" "Internet is down." "They can't check their e-mails" "And the blogs." "It's very frustrating." "notheinternetisdown" "Because your government shut it" "Down." "what?" "No, no, no, no, no." "The minute the internet went" "Out, my administration launched" "Into action and got it right" "Back up and running." "whatdidyoudo?" "wecalledtimewarner,and" "They gave us a four-hour window" "From noon to 4:00 in which they" "Promised to come and service the" "Problem." "So I wait around, and I wait" "Around, and at like 3:55 I have" "To run to a meeting, and sure" "Enough, that's when they show" "Up." "Mr. President, come on." "timewarneris moreliketake" "Your time warner." "[ laughter ]" "That's my doorman's joke." "look,I feellikewe're" "Getting off track." "I mean, do you intend to stay in" "Power?" "Ihavebeenthe" "Democratically elected leader of" "Egypt for 30 years." "howcanyoubeinpower for 30 years in a democracy?" "Iambeloved." "My profi rate something 115%." "Numbers don't lie." "Ifeellikeyou 'remissing" "The signals." "egyptianshaveneverbeen" "Great with signals." "Read the bible." "We needed ten plagues before we" "Let the israelites go, ten." "We have locusts." "Toads raining from the sky," "Rivers turning into blood, and" "Still we were like, let's see" "How this plays out." "Excuse me, but not to worried" "About a couple guys in adidas" "Sweatshirts throwing bricks." "If I resign, what am I going do?" "I have been an egyptian" "President for 30 years." "Is there another egypt that" "Needs a president that I don't" "Know about?" "That is why I'm willing to take" "The following steps to prove" "That I am willing to change." "Number one, I'm firing my" "Cabinet." "good." "tow,I 'mhiringanew cabinet" "Made up of fired members of my" "Old cabinet." "[ laughter ] isthatit ?" "yesagain." "oh,no." "Mr. President hosni mubarak!" "[ cheers and applause ] representativedennis" "Kucinich has filed a lawsuit" "Against the cafeteria in the" "House of representatives, saying" "That he suffered dental damage" "From a sandwich wrap that" "Contained an unpitted olive." "And just think, that guy was" "This close to being our" "President." "Charlie sheen on Thursday was" "Taken to the hospital suffering" "From an aggravated hernia after" "He reportedly spent more than 24" "Hours partying with five women" "And a briefcase full of cocaine." "It was a smart move keeping the" "Cocaine in a briefcase because" "Then if anyone saw him, they'd" "Definitely think there goes" "Charlie sheen with some" "Paperwork." "[ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ]" "That 50-year-old man with" "Sunglasses and cargo shorts must" "Be going to an important" "Meeting." "[ laughter ]" "It was noted for the first time" "In super bowl history, neither" "Of the teams competing have" "Cheerleaders." "No word yet on how players from" "Either team will remember to go." "Olympic olympic [ laughter ]" "Green bay had cheerleaders at" "One point, but stopped after 1965's tragic frozen human pir" "Rid incident." "Two women in new york are suing" "The trendy standard hotel" "Alleging that they were fired" "From their waitressing jobs for" "Not being willowy, svelte, and" "Statuesque." "Though I think they got fired" "For spending their work hours" "Reading a thesaurus." "[ laughter ] scientistsaresaying" "Elderly people are having" "Trouble driving because they" "Don't focus on things in the" "Foreround and instead focus on" "Interracial couples on the" "Sidewalk." "The oscar nominations were" "Announced this week." "Here to comment, and I have been" "Asked to read it this way, tyler" "Perry presents tyler perry." "[ cheers and applause ] oh!" "Hello, seth." "Hello, everyone." "I'm tyler perry." "Well, the oscar nominations are" "Out and once again I was left" "Out." "Not one nomination." "Poor, poor tyler perry." "Oh, money everywhere." "But, you know, I have 28 essence" "Awards." "That's three more than holly" "Robinson peete, but no oscar" "Nominations." "So I have been studying the kind" "Of movies that get nominated." "There's "the social network"" "About a group of harvard kids" "Fighting over billions of" "Dollars, or "the king's speech"" "About a rich king who is" "Embarrassed when talking in" "Front of people." "These are the type of win win" "Low stakes situations I call" "White people problems." "[ laughter ]" "Meanwhile, I have been doing" "Movies about overcoming drug" "Addiction, marital infidelity," "And dealing with life in prison." "All featuring a big sassy woman" "In a housecoat." "And all I've got to show for it" "Is $800 million." "but,tier,haveyou ever" "Really tried to make an oscar" "Movie?" "oh,absolutely,seth." "I thought "for colored girls"" "Was going to be my oscar picture" "Until later someone pointed out" "That the title reminded people" "Of a sign next to a water" "Fountain in the 1950s." "Never even crossed my mind." "My best friend is oprah." "[ laughter ]" "My next movie is guaranteed to" "Get some oscar notice." "It's about a brilliant student" "In north carolina who creates" "The top african-american social" "Networking site in the world." "It's called "tyler perry" "Presents I can do internet all" "By myself."" "[ laughter ]" "The film stars jesse eisenberg," "A seasoned veteran of white" "People movies like" ""adventureland," where a young" "Man is stabbed because he has a" "Job." "[ laughter ]" "It features my alter ego madea" "As his sassy but wise roommate." "soisit adramaoracomedy ?" "well,seth,likeall ofmy" "Movies, it makes wild swings" "From broad comedy into" "Dismal melodrama." "Do you think that's a little" "Strange?" "Maybe so." "Maybe 20 million tyler perry" "Fans are wrong." "Excuse me." "Have some money, seth." "There you go." "I own an island." "So please mark your calendars" "For "I can do internet all by" "Myself."" "It's got jesse eisenberg, madea," "And cicely tyson as bill gates." "Your move, academy." "tylerperry,everyone!" "[ cheers and applause ] that'sforyou." "thankyou." "somuchmoney." "accordingtonewresearch," "Couples who have been together" "For more than 20 years can still" "Be just as much in love as" "People who are at the beginning" "Stages of a relationship." "The keys are a healthy sex life" "And making sure your spouse" "Doesn't find out about your" "Healthy sex life." "awomanin argentinawho was" "Trying to commit suicide" "Survived after she jumped from" "The 23rd floor of a hotel and" "Landed on a taxi, and you know" "That if it happened in new york," "Someone would have yelled, "hey," "That's my cab!"" "itwasreportedladygaga is" "Developing her own fragrance." "She wants to smell like semen" "And blood." "The new fragrance will be called" "Hotel mattress." "Excuse me, are you wearing hotel" "Mattress?" "No?" "So it's just semen and blood?" "It was very nice meeting you." "mtvannouncedthatthe" "Fourth season of "jersey shore"" "Will take place in Italy, which," "God willing, will segue into an" "Awesome episode of locked up" "Abroad." "I'msethmeyers." "Good night!" "you'rewatchingturner" "Classic movies." "welcometo"theessentials."" "I'm robert osbourne." "Tonight, we take a journey" "Through one of my favorite" "Genres, 1970s blacksploitation" "Horror films." "There are so many classics from" "The era." ""blackula," "the black creature" "From the black lagoon," and, of" "Course, "the phantom of the" "Apollo."" "[ laughter ]" "But perhaps one of the most" "Memorable was the 1972 classic," ""the bride of blackenstein."" "Let's take a look." "♪ blackenstein!" "You were my greatest creation," "The coolest, baddest, blackest" "Monster on the face of the" "Earth!" "arr." "andtonightas Ipromised,I" "Will give you a bride!" "arr?" "igor!" "yes,master?" "it'stimeto pullthe switch" "For the bride of blackenstein," "Baby." "It's alive!" "It's alive!" "It's damn!" "she'sbeautiful,master!" "And I'm sure the swelling in her" "Backside will go down soon." "oh,itbetternot ." "That booty is a piece of modern" "Science." "that'swhyyouhad mefill" "Those two basketballs with" "Jell-o." "doubledribble." "youthinkpeoplewilllike" "That?" "likeit?" "They'll love it." "Just look at blackenstein." "that'swhatI'mtalking" "About." "[ laughter ]" "He's about to get his groove on." "oh,no,he is not!" "shespeaks." "She speaks!" "uh-oh,that'snotgood." "[ laughter ] youthinkyoucan justwalk" "Up on me and get some of this?" "I mean all of this?" "no,no." "I mean -- arr!" "arr?" "Don't you say "arr" to me." "I know you can talk." "And the first words out your" "Mouth better be "I'm getting a" "Job."" "[ laughter ] igor,man,wheredid you get" "That brain?" "froma womanwhohad just" "Died." "whatkindof woman?" "sheworkedat thedmv ." "[ laughter ] andwhataboutthe" "Fingernails?" "froma cashierat walgreens." "andwheredidyou get the" "Mouth?" "froma howhodidn'tknow her" "Place." "[ laughter ] andwheredidyou get her" "Hair?" "excuseme,thishairisreal." "okay,okay." "verynicehair." "comeon,baby." "I just need some loving from my" "Bride." "bride?" "Bride?" "Did you get me an invisible" "Ring, because I don't see" "Nothing on my finger." "You don't know me." "I ain't never met you." "You taking me to dinner first or" "Something." "Come on now." "butI hadplanstonight." "I'm going out with wolfman and" "The mummy." "thatsmellyassdog person" "And old mr." "Bandage?" "Uh-uh, no way." "No way." "They're my friends, baby." "notnomore." "From now on I'm your friend." "And I barely even like you." "master,I don'tunderstand." "Why doesn't he just tell her" "He's a man and she should do as" "He says?" "haveyoueverbeenwith a" "Sister?" "no!" "thenyouwouldn'tunderstand." "Ihavejustbeenwith jewish" "Girls." "okay." "Then you kind of understand." "[ laughter ] master,look." "There's an angry mob!" "oh-oh!" "weneedto hide." "Yes, we need to hide the bride." "I'mnothiding." "I'm going out." "It's check day." "I got an outfit on." "I want to dance, baby." "let'sgetit ." "weknowwhatyou havebeen" "Doing dr." "Blackenstein and it" "Ends " "Ithinkwe 'regoingtosee" "Some werewolves tonight, because" "That's a full moon." "whatareyoulookingat?" "nothing,baby." "areyoucheckingout the" "Bride of blackenstein's rear" "End?" "noway,baby." "You know I like my booty like" "Yours." "Flat and shapeless." "[ laughter ] good!" "excuseme." "Are y'all the police?" "Because y'all don't have a" "Warrant I'm going to need you to" "Get up out ever my castle now." "hercastle?" "seewhatImean?" "that'sright,it 'smy castle" "Now." "And next week my auntie is" "Coming to stay with us." "And she has a bad foot, so she's" "Going to need a room by the" "Toilet, okay?" "master,isan asslikethat" "Really worth all the trouble?" "oh,it'sworthit." "Just look at it." "♪ bride of blackenstein" "Baby got back in time ♪" "♪ bride of blackenstein ♪ [ cheers and applause ] yeah,yeah,yeah,yeah." "That was the whole movie." "[ laughter ]" "Tune in next week for the 1964" "Blacksploitation antiwar satire," ""dr." "Strangefunk:" "Or how I" "Learned to stop being a jive" "Turkey and love that juicy" "Booty."" "[ laughter ]" "For "the essentials," I'm" "Robert osbourne." "You dig?" "♪" "you'rewatchingmtv." "Shut up!" "what'sup?" "I'm the head of programming at" "Mtv." "Impressed much?" "You should be, 'cause I'm the" "Genius behind our new sexy teen" "Show, "skins."" "Now, some people are upset or" "Whatever because we showed like" "A bunch of fourth graders having" "Sex and -- [ laughter ]" "Doing heroin or something." "I don't know." "I haven't seen it." "'cause I'm bad at my job!" "[ laughter ]" "Anyway, 'cause of all the" "Controversy and child porn laws" "We broke, weave lost a lot of" "Sponsors." "We lost footlocker." "We lost subway sandwiches, so" "Good." "[ laughter ]" "And we lost wrigley -- like the" "Field, I guess." "[ laughter ]" "And we lost I'oreal, you know," "French oreos." "[ laughter ]" "Guess what though?" "It's mine." "Guess what though?" "We had to get some sponsors." "They couldn't afford" "Commercials." "They could afford some sweet" "Product placement so check it" "Out on "skins."" "coolparty." "yeah." "it'ssexy." "yeah." "We should probably take our" "Shirts off." "yeah,weshould." "But first, let's enjoy some of" "This kennedy fried chicken." "[ light laughter ] kennedyfriedchicken?" "lookssexy." "What's a bucket, like 50 bucks?" "try9 bucksandthatincludes 12 hot pieces of chicken, a" "Steamy biscuit and some slutty" "Mashed potatoes." "[ laughter ] whoa." "All for 9 bucks?" "Leaves plenty of extra money to" "Buy cocaine." "[ laughter ] speakingofwhich,cool" "Cocaine." "oh." "You mean this awesome stuff?" "Nah." "This is jenkins tooth powder." "It's so sexy." "heycassie,heytrent." "Should we do a three-way?" "yeah,butfirst,where'dyou" "Get that new car we saw you pull" "Up in?" "youmeanmy 2003corolla?" "It's not new but it's as good as" "New, thanks to waltzer toyota," "Since 1991." "Waltz in with a little money," "Waltz out with a fabulous," "Gently-used car, at waltzer" "Toyota." "justhearingaboutusedcars" "Makes me hella horny." "heyyouunderagehotties." "whoa,you'rehot." "wheredidyouget thathot" "Sweater?" "whereelse?" "The sweater dump near route 25." "It's where people go to dutch" "Their sweaters." "So what are we drinking?" "onlythebest." "Jose cortez scented rubbing" "Alcohol." "Look for the bottle with the" "Cartoon duck on the front." "Goes perfect with clamato brand" "Clam juice and a lime from the" "New fruit section of c.P. Wang" "Bodega, conveniently located" "Under the on-ramp to the" "Queensboro bridge." ""yeah, c.P. Wang, we sell fruit" "Now ."" "[ laughter ] mm,sexy." "We should all have sex." "oh,doyouhavecondoms?" "onlythebest." "Trapper mcgee's squirrel skin" "Condom." "It's like having sex with a" "Squirrel skin." "Today." "thatsoundsgreatfor young" "Vaginas." "[ laughter ] speakingofyoungvaginas," "Have you guys heard all this" "Stuff about italian prime" "Minister, silvio berlusconi?" "yeah,itsoundstotallybogus itis." "And you can find out the truth" "Innocente.Net." "[ laughter ] cool." "yeah,thisis acoolparty." "let'stakeourclothesoff." "I'm12." "[ laughter ] sothereit is ." "From great britain, through a" "Transatlantic sewer pipe, direct" "To your children." "Mtv, the "m" stands for mmmaahh!" "[ cheers and applause ]" "relaxandletall yourcares" "Drift away." "This is "spa talk" with your" "Host tyler yonders." "why,hello." "Once again I'm tyler yonders." "Isn't stress gross?" "Life is full of stress with cars" "Honking, people pushing, and" "Wrappers crinkling." "Here at "spa talk ", we show you" "How to tackle your everyday" "Problems through a range of" "Holistic treatments." "My first guests are a married" "Couple experiencing stress in" "Their relationship." "Please welcome daniel and denise" "Leeson." "Why don't I go get them now?" "[ laughter ]" "Oh, yes, please come in." "Sit down." "I'm going to be working with you" "Today." "Have a seat." "Tell me the source of your" "Stress." "well,thesourceofmystress" "Is right over here." "don'tputyourhandsonmy" "Face." "That's rude!" "I'msensingtension." "This will help." "whatareyoudoing?" "!" "sprayingwateralloveryour" "Face." "It's energizing, right?" "Do you feel better now?" "no,I don't,becausemywife" "Is cheating on me." "allright." "I see what's going on." "What you need is a nice collagen" "Boosting cream." "Of this will fix everything." "whatwouldfixeverythingis" "If my wife would stop sleeping" "With our downstairs boarder." "I converted that basement for" "Income, not so you can get your" "Booty challenged." "whatdoesit feellikewhen I" "Do this?" "Does this feel nice?" "This feels good, right?" "That helps, right?" "Iwouldn'tbe sleepingwith" "Lester if you hadn't laughed at" "My mural!" "paintingthewallone color" "Ain't no mural." "[ laughter ] thecollagencreamIused is" "Made from almond extracts," "Vitamin "a," and bird doodle." "holdup." "Hold up." "Did I hear you correctly?" "You been rubbing bird do do on" "Our faces?" "[ laughter ] it'sfrom--  [ bell rings ]" "I'm sorry, that was the end of" "Your session." "Hope you feel refreshed." "Good-bye." "Drink lots of water." "Weren't they great?" "It's so nice to see the complete" "Transformation." "Our next guests are a family" "With a lot of stress." "I find that most people carry" "Their stress in their shoulders" "Or their hinds." "Please, let me go get the" "Venettis." "Please, have a seat." "Sit down, have a seat." "Prepare to be pampered." "What's causing stress in your" "Life?" "mymomdresseslikeatamp?" "excuseme!" "brascanbe shirts,too ." "whatthehellisthat ?" "shegotkickedout ofthe" "Grocery store." "it'sa goodthingyou cameto" "Me." "Here, smell my fingers." "whatareyoudoing?" "[ laughter ] thisisan oilextract." "It's my own blend." "Myers lemon and renuz it." "[ laughter ] canI saysomething?" "I dress the way I do because I" "Lost 238 pounds." "I'm proud of my body." "trimspa,baby!" "Wait, why am I vibrating?" "I'mturningon yourvibrating" "Chair." "Feel the jiggle." "Let the jiggle take you." "And just relax." "Relax while I swat you with this" "Twig." "whatisgoingon?" "oh,yes." "Isn't it rejuvenating?" "yesterday,shecameto" "School." "everyonecouldseeyour" "Business." "onlytheshortkidsnoticed." "ifyoudon'tlikeit,youcan" "Run away." "herbushwasout for afull" "Minute!" "thetwigIuse toswat you" "With is also from a bush." "A juniper bush." "thisistheworstfamilyI" "Have ever had." "Iknowwhatthisgroupneeds ." "Of a nice exfoliating scrub." "You need a fresh start." "Now, you might feel a tiny, tiny" "Tingle or a big tingle or like" "An acid face fire." "Enjoy." "What is this?" "This stuff smells really nice?" "thiscreamis ablendof" "Marine salt, 12% glycolic acid" "And turtle doodle." "waita minute." "Did you put turtle poop on our" "Faces?" "thisisunsanitary." "it'sfromgenevaand it's" "Organic." "Your time is up." "I hope you transport yourself to" "Serenity." "Drink lots of water." "Okay." "Go on now." "Pay up front." "Weren't they great." "Oh, I enjoyed working on them," "And I believe they left her" "Transformed." "And remember, when the world is" "Stressing you out with a 50-hour" "Workweek and crying babies and" "People throwing brownies," "Remember, remember to always" "Take time to pamper and refresh" "And we'll be right back with" "More "spa talk."" "[ cheers and applause ]" "onceagain,mikkiminaj." "♪ fly with the stars" "In the skies" "I am no longer" "Trying to survive ♪" "♪ I believe that life" "Is a prize" "But to live" "Doesn't mean you're alive ♪" "♪ don't worry about me" "And who I fire" "I get what I desire" "It's my empire ♪" "♪ and yes" "I call the shots" "I am the umpire ♪" "♪ I sprinkle holy water" "Upon the vampire" "In this very moment" "I'm king ♪" "♪ in this very moment" "I slayed goliath with a sling" "This very moment I bring ♪" "♪ put it on everything" "That I will retire" "With the ring ♪" "♪ and I will retire" "With the crown" "Yes ♪" "♪ no, I'm not lucky" "I'm blessed" "♪ yes ♪" "♪ clap for the heavyweight" "Champ" "Me ♪" "♪ but I couldn't do it" "All alone, we" "Young money raised me" "Grew up out in balsley ♪" "♪ southside jamaica" "Queens and it's crazy" "Cuz I'm still hood ♪" "♪ hollywood" "Couldn't change me" "Shout out to my haters ♪" "♪ sorry that" "You couldn't faze me" "Ain't being cocky." "We just vindicated ♪" "♪ best believe that" "When we done" "This moment will be" "Syndicated ♪" "♪ I don't know" "This night" "Just remind me of ♪" "♪ everything" "They deprived me of" "P-p-p-p-put your drinks up ♪" "♪ it's a celebration" "Every time we link up" "We done did everything ♪" "♪ they could think of" "Gr-greatness" "Is what we on the brink of ♪" "♪ I wish that I could" "Have this moment 4 life 4 life" "♪ cause in this moment" "Just feel so alive" "Alive" "♪ I wish that I could" "Have this moment 4 life 4 life" "♪ this is my moment" "I just feel so alive" "Alive" "♪ this is my moment" "I waited all night" "If I could tell the time ♪" "♪ missing the way I" "Run with the sunset" "I have become alive ♪" "♪ I could have this moment" "For life" "For life" "♪ this is my moment" "I just feel so alive" "Alive" "♪ I wish that I could" "Have this moment 4 life 4 life" "♪ this is my moment" "I just feel so alive" "Alive [ cheers and applause ]" "thefollowingis apaid" "Advertisement." "hello." "I'm arthur perkins." "Does this always happen to you?" "wecan'thavesex ." "It's too big!" "arthur,yourpenisishuge ." "I hate that." "arthurperkins,yourpenisis" "Just too big." "Iusedto dealwiththat all" "The time." "Girls were constantly telling me" "It was too big." "yeah,andI'mhis friend" "Randy and I had the same" "Problem, too, all the time." "ourpenisesweretoo big ." "that'swhywe take" "El shrinko." "elshrinko." "elshrinkois thefirst" "Scientific pill that can shrink" "Your wiener because it's too" "Big." "it'stoobig." "ifyousawour penisesright" "Now, you would think they were" "Really small, like tiny." "That's because el shrinko works" "Fast." "howdoesit work?" "notyet." "sorry." "reallyfast." "howdoesit work?" "youjusttakethe pilllike" "We do and you will go from too" "Big to just right." "[ laughter ] yeah,andthat'swhatthe" "Girls prefer, just ask them." "Iheardarthur'spenisused" "To be really big." "But then I saw it, and it was" "Really small." "It must have shrunk, and I like" "That." "arthur'sfriendrandyshrunk" "His thingy." "What is this for?" "Say it now?" "El shrinko." "[ laughter ] prettyconvincing." "Plus, it comes in a discreet" "Bottle that says el shrinko," "That way if a girl is over and" "Accidentally sees the bottle on" "Your coffee table she will know" "That your wiener used to be way" "Bigger until you took" "El shrinko." "bigweinersarefor the" "Birds." "areyouguystalkingabout" "El shrinko?" "getoutof here,gary!" "Get out!" "[ laughter ] elshrinko." "elshrinko." "elshrinko." "elshrinko,it 'swhyarthur" "And randy's penises are so" "Small." "[ cheers and applause ]" "Minaj." "Thank you so much to mark" "Zuckerberg." "Thank you so much for the cast" "And crew." "[ cheers and applause ]"