"Ryan Shay hadn't taken the news well." "Since learning about his adoption, he moved to Lisa's ex-boyfriend Malik's house." "There was nothing left to do but pray." "Ok Lord." "Let's try this again." "We are thankful for the food we are about to receive." " Very thankful." " But we need more Lord." "We need Ryan to forgive us for Keeping his adoption secret." "We need him to forgive us, and to come home." "And until then, if you ** to send us something other than venison it would be very much appreciated." "It's pretty heavy Lord." "Every night, venison." "Every night until he comes home." "Do you hear me?" " No complaints here." "His favorite is my favorite." " I have gout." "Even with the medication they're saying I could lose a toe." " A toe?" "!" "I lost a son!" " Settle down Sheila." "Settle down." "Settle down." "Here's your **." " What..." " It is a soothing combination of camomile, lemon balm and green alcohol." " Little more, ok?" " Sure thing." "A little more Fred." "She..." "Sheila." "I don't know why I'm so nervous." "I aced the S.A.Ts." "750 verbal." "Dalia's real gifted when it comes to testing." "I never sweated 'cause our girls are always out the charts." "Did you know when she was born, she was in a 95% for length." "Waouh." "Length." "That is the hardest one to nail." "Ah ah!" "Is that a I'm-glad-it's-over smile, or an I'm-glad-it's-over-and-I-nailed-it smile?" " I feel pretty good about it." " Yes you do!" "Give it!" "Come here." "That's my girl." "Mommy did you get my text?" " Yes, did you see my reply?" " Wait... you... you..." " you texted her during the test?" " It's ok daddy Altman." "I called her ***, so I was bored." " You finished early?" " I have a strategy." " What strategy?" " Finishing early." "Tessa, let's celebrate." "Ice cream." "Any cart in the store, you pick, we'll make cones at home." "You want to?" "Mommy, what are we gonna do to celebrate me?" "Um, how about we put a new S.A.T. sound system in your new P.S.A.T. car?" "She got a P.S.A.T. car?" "She's kidding." "I'm not kidding." "You're not kidding?" "How well might Dalia have done on the P.S.A.Ts to warrant a brand-new car?" "Real well." "How well?" "Like top 10 percentile?" "Top 20?" "I'm proud to say Dalia was definitely in a percentile." "The average S.I. score is 141." "Did Dalia do better or worse than average?" "Tessa, maybe you should just focus on your own score." "On the P.S.A.Ts?" "186." "That's in the top ten percentile, and that's very good." "(Clicks tongue) I got a card." "Mommy, I want to go home." "What about the sound system?" "I'm not in the mood for sound anymore." "That look meant someone was gonna be making an apology, and that someone was me." "(Alih Jay) * last night I had a pleasant nightmare *" "♪ da-da-da-da, da, da, da, da ♪" "Desperate times call for desperate measures..." "Howdy." "And the Shays were desperate to get Ryan back." "You talking to me?" "I don't see anybody else around here, cowboy." "Really?" "Because you hung up on me every time I tried to call you since our breakup." "And a woman's allowed to change her mind, isn't she?" "Because I have." "In fact, that's why I'm here." "I wanted to talk about us getting back together." " Really?" " Really." "(Deepened voice) Don't fight." "Keep that on." "Hold his hand." "I got it." "(Tape crackling)" "Get in!" "Come on!" "Oh!" "(Engine starts)" "Wait!" "Meanwhile, the Werners' baby had been rejected from his first-picked preschool, so they decided to consult a specialist." "We heard you're the best, that you've helped others." "It's true." "I tutor talented toddlers, and every one of them goes on to be accepted into a highly competitive day care program." " So you'll help us?" " I've gotta be frank with you." "Opus is getting a late start." "He has zero community service, no political affiliations, he's socially unaware." "He doesn't even wear special cause bracelets." "Oh, that's our fault." "We were led to believe that the special cause bracelet trend was over." "It's never over." "Don't punish the boy for his parents' sins." "You're his only hope." "Well, then he's hopeless, I'm afraid." "You see, I'm not taking on any new clients at this time." "You don't get it. (Inhales deeply)" "Jill, show him." "There's a picture." "Show him." "That won't be necessary." "I'm sure that he's as... (Gasps)" "Oh, the face." "Look at that little face-y face face." "(Sighs)" "Okay." "I will do it..." "Oh!" "On one condition... you must not interfere in any way." "My methods will seem unconventional because they are unconventional." "I need you to understand that the odds are 100 to 1." "A single misstep and instead of going to Price-Cheney-Pitkin," "Opus could end up working the pole on "Toddlers  Tiaras."" "We'll take those odds, any day." "Hello?" "Is anyone there?" "Look, I might have to use the bathroom." "Sooner rather than later," "(deepened voice) We're going to give you an afterschool snack, but don't try to run away and don't take our masks off." "(Deepened voice) We own you, bitch." "Okay." "Okay." "I won't give you any trouble." "I understand." "(Deepened voice) Here." "Eat this." "(Crunches)" "(Mouth full) Mmm." "So good." "I can tell Mrs. Shay's chicken salad anywhere." "(Giggles, normal voice) Oh, thanks, Malik." "I added some ranch for zip." "(Normal voice) Darn it, Sheila!" "Thanks to your signature chicken salad, he knows who we are." "Plus Lisa wasn't wearing a mask when she lured me into the van." "You know, that's pretty cold, Lisa, pretending you want" " to get back together just so you could..." " We need you to call your parents." "You tell them that we are holding you hostage and we will exchange you for our son Ryan." "If they need proof of life, we will happily cut off a digit." "Tell them no tricks, or we won't give you back." "And try to sound terrified." "H... hi, dad." "Yeah, I'm at the Shays'." "Uh, h... hold on." "They want to know if I'm staying for dinner." "Come on!" "This is a hostage situation, son!" "I... think they want me to stay for dinner, yes." "Okay." "Hold on." "My dad wants to talk to you." "Eh." "Tell... tell him I stepped out." " (Whispers) Take the call, Fred." " Take the call!" "Okay." "(Clears throat)" "Fred Shay speaking." "Uh-huh." "Tonight?" "I see." "Well, you should know I won't be alone." "(Whispers) That's good." "That's good." "That's good." "Then we understand each other." "Very well." "Bye then." "Hmm." "Great guy." "What did he say?" "Will he give us back Ryan?" "They want us to come to them." " Mnh-mnh." "Smells like a trap." " We should leave Malik home and use him as a bargaining chip." "No, his instructions were very clear." "We're to drop off Malik tonight for the hostage exchange." "Well, technically, he said dinner." "Thai food." "Oh." "Dalia, Tessa's here." "I don't want to see Tessa Altman." "She made me feel bad about my P.S.A.T. car." "I know." "And maybe Tessa was a teeny, tiny bit smug, which is so unusual for her." "But I think that's why she's here... to apologize." "Apology not accepted." "Listen here, Dalia." "Tessa may score better on tests and get better grades and have opportunities to get into colleges based on merit, but there are lots of things you're great at, too." "Like what, mommy?" "Well, tons and tons of stuff." "Name one thing, mommy." "Name one thing I'm better at than Tessa Altman." "Well... (Gasps)" "I'm sure Tessa Altman is not as dope as you on the dance floor." "Send her in." "Altmans!" "(George) Yeah?" "Right." "So I just wanted to apologize for repeatedly asking you about your score, and I'm sure whatever your score was, it completely merited a new, extremely expensive car." "Wasn't that nice, Dalia?" "Tessa apologized by making an apology." "Yeah." "And I know it's important to mommy and daddy Altman that we get along, so I'd like you to invite you to a hip-hop dance class I'm taking." "(Inhales deeply) No, thanks." "Oh." "Oh." "Tessa." " Tessa." " What?" "Dalia is trying." "(Whispers) Are you serious?" "Look, I'm trying, Dallas is trying, and now even Dalia is trying." "That only leaves one person who is not trying, and I believe you know who I'm referring to." "I do." "The girl who scored in the top ten percentile and got a card." "With a "D" at the end of it." "Card." "Huh." "Brick." "I did not expect that." "Okay, before anyone rings the bell," " we need to go over a few scenarios." " Scenarios?" "What scenarios?" "Is this something we should've talked about in the car" " instead of playing "I spy"?" " Okay, let's just say there're gonna be a lot of moving parts here tonight." "We need to keep our cool if we want to bring home the bacon." "Mm." "(Doorbell rings)" "(Door creaks)" "Did you do your homework?" "Not yet." "I was kidnapped." " Get in here." " Yes, dad." "Hi." "Please come in." "Eugene has told us so much about you." "Have we got the wrong house?" "Your son Ryan changed his name to Eugene." "He doesn't want to be known as a Shay anymore." "I'm going down." "(Thud) Sheila?" "Welcome back, Sheila." "(Moans)" " You feeling better?" " Oh." "You gave us a quite a scare." "She did." "Would you like some water?" "Ryan." "Hand over Ryan, in whatever condition he's in..." "Battered, broken, brainwashed!" "Eugene is otherwise occupied right now." "He'll be down in due time." "We're willing to pay." "Fred has $15,000 in cash taped to his stomach." "(Ryan) I don't care if he has 15 jillion jillions!" "There's no way I'm going home with a fake bunch of faking fakers!" "Ryan, it's us, your parents." "We love you and we miss you." "Lisa wore a dress." "My name's Eugene now." "Eugene Goldfarb." "I'm no longer a Shay." "I'm getting emancipated." "Oh, you don't happen to have a crash mat?" " Mnh-mnh." " Emancipation?" "He can't just make that kind of proclamation, can he, Fred?" "I don't know." "Eugene wants to be an emancipated minor, Sheila." "He feels very strongly about it, and since I'm a lawyer," "I started to help him with the paperwork." "Lawyers, Fred." "Lawyers." "Lawyers." "They're lawyers." "This is one of those scenarios I was referring to." "You realize if the judge rules in your son's favor, you'll both have to surrender your parental rights?" "Surrender?" "Sheila?" " No." " I'm suing you for freedom." "You hear me?" "I am suing you to be free!" "Well, should we eat?" " Yeah." "Might as well." " Sure." "Yeah." "Sounds good." "Okay, Opus." "I don't want you to feel like I'm judging you, but for the next 45 minutes," "I'm going to be judging you harshly." "Grab and release." "Grab... and release." "Now you try." "Here." "Your turn." "A toi." "It's like you're doing the first part of a push-up, and then you push yourself over." "While Opus was being put through the rigors of more testing..." "Stacking of the cups." "I'll give you a zero on that." "I found myself having to jump through a few hoops of my own." "♪ And lock, do the snip, do the snake ♪" "♪ oh, what's this?" "A new fish in the pond ♪" "♪ what's this ♪" " What is going on?" " I'm not sure." "(Hip-hop music playing)" "Hey, Dalia." "Hey." "Yo." "You got beef?" "No." "Tessa and I got mad beef." "She tried to diss and dismiss my intellect." "What intellect?" "(All) Ooh!" "Ooh!" "There's only one way to settle a beef in beginner's hip-hop, y'all." "You know what time it is!" "(Students chanting) Dance-off!" "Dance-off!" "Dance-off!" "Dance-off!" "Dance-off!" "Dance-off!" "Dance-off!" "(Chuckles)" "Is there deer meat in this?" "(Mouth full) No, it's..." "it's vegetarian, Lisa." "Thank you, lord." " So, uh, roses and thorns, shall we?" " Mm-hmm." "Let's talk about our roses and our thorns." "Yeah." "It's what the Obamas do." "Oh, boy." "Fred." "Well... my rose was this fantastic crunchy spring roll." "(Chuckles)" "And my thorn was the sprinklers going off on my car this morning right after I'd had a hand-wax." "Oh, hell, no." "I hate that." " I know, right?" " High-five it." "All right. (Laughs)" "Eugene." "Let's see." "My rose is hitting a home run at baseball practice today." "(Gasps) Hey, way to go, son!" "I'm not your son." "(Cries)" "And my Thorn was finding out my entire life... (Gasps) was... a..." "lie!" "Oh!" "Ouch." "That's a... a deep thorn." "But it didn't happen today." "Edmond?" "I'll allow it." "Damn it." "Why didn't you tell me I was adopted?" "We wanted to." "We really did." "At first you were too young to understand." "It took him three years to learn English." "Then when he finally did learn, the timing was never right." "How could you not have told me?" "I was like a brother to you." "Ryan, Ryan, take it easy, man." "We didn't want to lose you." "Well, you lost me." "You lost me big-time!" "Oh." "What if I were to leave your mother?" " Would you come home then?" " Fred Shay!" "What?" "It's just a thought." "It was kind of pathetic, but when people feel backed into a corner, they tend to do pathetic things." "Case in point... this dance-off." "Go, Dalia!" "♪ It's your birthday, it's your birthday ♪" "It's her birthday?" "Why are you saying it's her birthday?" "It's not her birthday." "(Drake's "The Motto" playing)" "(Boy) Ooh!" "Come on." "* How you feel?" "How you feel?" "How you feel?" "* * 25 sitting on 25 mil, uh *" "* I'm in the building *" "I know whose birthday it isn't." "* Mac Dre, I'm-a do it... *" "Hey." "That's not fair." "She gets a crew?" "Why does only one of 'em get a crew?" "That's gotta be against dance-off rules or something." "Go, Dalia!" "Finish her!" "What kind of a parent..." "George, don't "what kind of a parent" me." "You let Tessa act any old way she pleases." "Well, at least I didn't buy her a car for substandard test results." "I bought that car to make my daughter happy." "It's not my fault you're cheap." "* 'Cause the pimpin' ice cold * * all these... want to chill *" "* I mean, maybe she won't, then again... *" "Come on, Tess!" "Turn it up!" "Show 'em what you got!" "You represent, girl!" "* You already know, though * * you only live once *" "(George) Oh!" "Money-making Manhattan in the house!" "* Sittin' on a bench, but we don't really play * * everyday, everyday, what anybody say * * can't see 'em 'cause the money in the way *" "Oh!" "Someone checked a book out the library!" "* One time *" "And Tessa didn't have a bunch" " of expensive dance lessons." " (Laughs) No kidding." "Is she hip-hop home-schooled?" "Like those ice cream cones of yours... what'd you, save, a nickel on those?" "You did not just go there." "Oh, yes, I did, daddy." "Well, you know what?" "Some people don't need to throw money at it, mama." "Some people are born with what it takes. (Jacket hits floor)" "What, what!" "You did not just gangsta me, George Altman." "I think I did, Dallas." "* And mister ed, yeah *" "I think I did." "You know who you remind me of?" "Judge Reinhold... without the Reinhold." "Oh, yeah, well, Judge Reinhold you." "I said... without the Reinhold." "Yo, checkers." "Toss me that cap." "*" "I judge you to be a desperate enabler, Dallas!" "An enabler!" "O.M.G." "We ruined their relationship." "Yeah." "* Oh... my..." "God, Becky, look at her butt *" "Where did George get that cardboard?" "There you go, darling." "(Edmond) I hope you guys like pudding, 'cause we have plenty of it, and it's all chocolate." "Chocolate pudding, Eugene." "Your favorite." "I love pudding." "I know you do." "Are you absolutely sure that you don't want to go home with us?" "Sure, I'm sure." "I'm super sure." "Let's go, Shays." "It's over." "Let him make a fort with his cereal boxes at breakfast." "He likes that." "(Chair scrapes floor)" "We should do this again sometime." "Sometimes seeing your parents act like children makes you realize it's time to grow up." "Mommy, stop." "You're scaring me." "Well, he started it." " What?" "She did." " No." "We started it, and now we're gonna finish it." "Guys, our beef is squashed." "We squashed it." "The beef was squashed." "The dance-off never fails." "Class dismissed!" "*" " It's over, George." " It's over, mommy." "And I'm gonna need you to apologize to Dallas now, because I'm trying, and Dalia is trying, and the only person who isn't trying is you." "And Dallas." "Look at her." "She's not trying." "She's... she's just recharging her robot." "I sound like a crazy person." "Yeah?" "Yeah." "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." "I think I..." "I think I got carried away." "I shouldn't have gangsta'd you." "That's a... an aggressive move best reserved for an "electric boogaloo" reboot." "I apologize, too, George." "I am one of the unlucky few whose ugly side comes out on the dance floor." "No." "No, it's true." "I get real mouthy." "You do. (Laughs)" "You know what?" "Our girls are gonna fight." "That doesn't mean we have to." "I know you probably don't agree with everything I do with Dalia, and I wouldn't let Tessa wear half the clothes you allow her to run around town in, but I know you're a good dad." "And no one has a bigger heart than you, Dallas, even if your robot needs a little oil." "Oh, yeah?" "You gonna oil my robot, daddy?" "Not in front of the kids." "I'm sorry, but there's no easy way to say this." "Opus has the brain development of a 6-month-old child." "(Sighs)" "Are you absolutely sure?" "I'm afraid so." " Price-Cheney-Pitkin?" " Is out, of course." "I could suggest a facility that could house the boy... someplace with experience dealing with the special needs of the blindingly average." "No." "We couldn't do that." "I'm not sure how we'll tell him." "Sadly, I doubt he'll even understand." "I don't care that he's not a genius." "He's a beautiful boy, and we love him." "Oh." "Do you see that?" "(Coos)" "He spelled out D-D-S." "He understands that his father has a doctor of dental surgery degree, not a D.M.D., a mistake that many people make." "He probably just grabbed the blocks at random." " You're random!" " Oh, lashing out." "Opus?" "(Fusses)" "Can you spell out mommy's career?" "Author." "Find an "A."" "That's right." "Yes, right there." "Or an "S." Self-published author." "Oh. (Stomach rumbles)" "Did you eat enough dinner?" "I don't love vegetables." "Seemed like you didn't really love dessert tonight, either." "Yeah." "Usually my favorite part about dinner is dessert, and my favorite dessert is pudding, and my favorite pudding flavor is chocolate, but my absolute favorite part of chocolate pudding is the skin, and tonight's pudding was skinless." "But don't tell our mom." "I don't want to hurt her feelings." "It won't." "(Sighs)" "I love pudding skin so much, my old mom used to make it for me all the time." "My old father and sister would usually give me their skin, too." "Because they love you." "Yeah." "I'll just ask my new black mom to make pudding with skin on it from now on." "Yeah, see, that's not gonna happen." "My parents make what they like, and they like skinless pudding." "Huh." "(Crash)" "Andie MacDowell, what are you doing here?" "Fred, wake up." "Did you hear that?" "I did." "Do you think..." "He's back." "Our boy is back." "Hey." "Eugene's leaving." "Where's he going?" "It's Ryan, you guys." "I'm going to bed." "Skin is thicker than water." "I don't think that's the correct saying." "No." "No." "(Whispers) Leave it alone." "He's standing on the stairs," " listening." " (Whispers) If that's true, then the only thing I want him to hear is this..." "I love you, son." "(Whispers) If you're listening, I love you, too." "(Whispers) If you're listening, it's blood that's thicker than water." "It's blood."