"Ash, peek this, babe." "I got that magic joint down now." "please, will, the Iast time you showed me a magic trick... it took two months for my hair to grow back." "Yeah, I know." "well, that was then and this is now." "behold, the great WiIIdini." "AII right now, here." "Give me your watch." "AII right." "What happened to "abracadabra"?" "No, this is black magic, Ash." "hold up." "I ain't finished yet." "Now, here we go." "behold, a bottle, just as any other." "Chaka Khan!" "AII right." "That's it." "AII right." "Now, for my next trick, I'II need a dollar bill." "I don't have a dollar." "I have a 20." "That'II do." "AII right." "Here we go." "Notice the intricate folds." "Now for the magic words." "Going... going... gone!" "will!" "There you go." "Some nice tweIve-grain organic... hot cereal." "Wow." "Looks great." "How about some of that delicious soy milk to go on top?" "Okay." "Boy, that was better than the batch you made yesterday." "Good." "That's why I made twice as much today." "You keep dishing it up, Aunt Viv... and we'II keep finding some place to put it." "You kids go ahead and serve yourselves." "I have to go help ashley with her hair." "Look, I know Mom's a lousy cook, but all the same..." "I'm really glad that she quit her job." "Yeah, I mean, having her home all the time is great." "I mean, you know, she picks our clothes out for us... and checks our homework and cuts the crust off the end of our bread." "Hey, look, that woman must be stopped, y'aII." "That diet and exercise regimen your mother put me on... has really changed my Iife." "I never felt better." "It's so nice having her home all the time." "She wakes up cheerful in the morning..." "leaves little love notes in my briefcase... calls me up at work just to chat." "That woman must be stopped." "Hi, baby, how was your walk?" "wonderful." "Madam, I have taken the liberty of polishing your grandmother's silver... for tonight's dinner party." "Is that G or philip michael Thomas?" "I take it you're referring to this charming ensemble... which your aunt insisted I wear." "It is only my humble opinion... but that woman must be stopped!" "Ciao." "Now I want everyone home at 7:30 sharp." "Yes?" "We're having a get-together with the neighbors and I have invited Sonya Lamor." "Word?" "Sonya Lamor?" "I've seen all her movies on the late show." "Yeah, she did a Iot of those historical dramas." "My personal favorite was George Washington and the Hussy." "Ladies and gentleman, give it up for the star of Heidi Comes to Harlem." "Mom, if you make me go to school like this..." "I'm going to write a book when I grow up." "You kids don't know how lucky you are, now that she's home all the time." "Thank you, philip." "I've never felt better since I've been on this diet of exercise and healthy food." "uncle phil, that was for you." "They said you left your wallet at the Donut Depot." "Pretty fly earmuffs you got there, Ash." "A little caIamine Iotion probably'd take care of that rash." "Very funny, will." "Can you believe Mom made me wear this hideous dress?" "Come on, Ash, not many women can carry off plaid." "And here comes one now." "ashley, you look so adorable." "Now, don't stray too far, baby, it'II ruin the effect." "Don't worry about this, Ash." "One day you're gonna be cracking up laughing about this with your therapist." "Okay, I'm here." "Mom, it's not fair." "hilary doesn't have to dress like you." "Guess again." "I wanna play!" "wonderful party, babe." "Thank you, philip." "Look at poor Henry Firth." "Ever since his wife left him he's been in one meaningless... unsatisfying relationship after another." "It's so sad, isn't it?" "Isn't it?" "Makes me want to cry." "Ms. Sonya Lamor." "That is so kind of you." "please, no pictures." "Hi." "Ms. Lamor, I've been your biggest fan ever since I seen you in Mutiny on the Hussy." "You look dope in 3-D!" "It wasn't in 3-D." "Back up." "Sonya !" "Sonya, Iet me introduce you to my daughters:" "hilary, ashley." "My son carlton." "And my nephew will." "Gorgeous." "There is something that I am just dying to know." "Yes, I did it." "And he deserved to be slapped." "Sonya, Iet me introduce you to my husband philip." "And his legal partner, Henry Firth." "hello." "You know, I'm looking for a lawyer." "I just wrote my memoirs and I can't put it down it's so exciting." "phil is one of the toughest negotiators in our profession." "When Jacoby sued Meyers, who do you think he called?" "Very impressive." "Let's talk sometime." "certainly." "There's some people I'd love for you to meet." "Thank you." "It's so kind of you." "please, no pictures." "Sonya, would you Iike something to eat?" "I couldn't eat a thing." "wonderful sugar cake." "Can I get a little, tiny, weensy piece, please?" "certainly." "I said a little piece, not a crumb." "It's wonderful." "It's magnificent." "May I steal the recipe?" "I'd be more than happy to give it to you." "Thank you so much." "Miss Lamor?" "Yes, darling." "You mind taking a picture?" "Of course not." "AII right, here, I want you to get my good side." "I hope Sonya goes for this contract proposal." "Maybe this cake will sweeten the deal." "will and I are going to Tower Records to pick up a few CDs." "I'm gonna teach carlton how to tap his foot on beat." "Great, you can stop and drop this cake off at Sonya's." "AII right." "Madame, I have some distressing news." "Your heirloom silverware is missing!" "And someone's stolen my new uniform !" "What?" "It's probably just misplaced." "Let's split up and look for it." "Oh, no." "Don't trouble yourself, sir." "I'II just go back to wearing my old uniform." "I was talking about the silverware." "Let's split up and search the house." "AII right, I'II check the pool." "will, don't even try it." "There's no need to check the pool, the Jacuzzi, the tennis court... or the basketball net." "will, check the pool, the Jacuzzi, the tennis courts, and the basketball net." "It wasn't in the basement either." "But I did find Geoffrey's new uniform crammed behind the hot-water heater." "The scoundrels must have ditched it in their haste to escape." "The silver's obviously not in the house." "It must have been stolen." "I would hate to think that a neighbor took it." "We need that little white lady from Murder, She Wrote." "Boys, we'II keep looking, but go ahead..." "and drop this cake off at Sonya's." "AII right." "And if you all happen to be digging around under my bed... those videotapes are for my report on CIarence Thomas." "Coming." "So kind of you." "No pictures." "Hi, Ms. Lamor." "My mom baked you this cake." "How sweet of her." "Come on, guys, please come in." "This house is no joke!" "Isn't this the cane that you used in An Officer and a Hussy?" "I played opposite olivier." "Laurence olivier was in An Officer and a Hussy?" "No it was his brother, WendaII." "Check this out, hold up." ""Lamor and gable"?" "You got top billing over clark gable?" "It was SchIomo gable, his haIf-brother." "Then I guess this Reagan isn't really RonaId." "No, that is really RonaId." "You see, we couldn't get his brother." "Oh, I'm so sorry, boys." "Go in there, but don't eat up the whole cake, please." "AII right." "I'm a big star." "Get me a job or you're fired." "What's up, man?" "I'm will." "polly want a cracker?" "will is a cracker." "Yeah, man, your mother poops on papers." "will, use a fork." "Come on, man, I ain't using this wimpy fork." "This is not a wimpy fork." "This is a hand-engraved silver dessert...." "Jumping Jehosaphat!" "AII right, man." "AII right, I'II use the fork." "will, I'm telling you, this is Mom's." "Ms. Lamor must have taken it." "Quick!" "dial 91 1 !" "Whoa !" "hold it." "Come on, man, look, you don't want to send her to jail." "Remember what happened to her in Hussy Behind Bars?" "We must confront her." "Wait." "Come on, man." "What, are you tripping?" "You gonna jeopardize uncle phil's chances of getting a book contract." "And what do you suggest we do?" "I say we do what's fair and just for both parties." "steal it back and run like hell." "I am so sorry, guys." "carlton, weren't you just saying how much... you would enjoy a tour of Ms. Lamor's house?" "No...time like the present." "Come on, darling." "Get your hands off that!" "Not till we're married." "would you Iike to see my jewelry collection?" "Do you have any tiaras?" "Of course I do." "carlton, it's time to go, man." "I guess, then, we'II come back another time." "I'm so sorry, guys, you're leaving." "When you come back, bring me another cake." "We promise." "Is the silver in your pockets?" "No, I'm just extremely happy to see you." "We did it!" "God, I was fantastic!" "The adrenaline was flowing, the nerves of steel were calm and steady." "carlton, please, we lifted some silverware from a neighbor... and I had to slap you twice to keep you from driving us to Mexico." "I just thought we should lay low until the heat was off." "Aunt Viv, good news!" "You said it." "I got my silverware back." "How'd you know?" "The caterers brought it back." "carlton, why do I have service for eight in my drawers?" "This is all your fault!" "What?" "My fault?" "You're the one that said it was Aunt Viv's silverware." "Since when do you listen to me?" "Let's just stop arguing, man." "Let's think of a plan." "We'II get caught." "We'II go to jail." "Kid 'N play will portray us in a movie." "AII we have to do is break into Sonya Lamor's... and put the silverware back." "How do we do that?" "But we're gonna need somebody to help us." "Somebody that can't figure out what we're doing, though." "Some simpIe-minded soul." "Thanks for the tour, but we better get going." "I know we're going to be surrounded by autograph seekers at Neiman's." "I'm used to it, darling." "I'm very famous." "No, I meant everyone always mistakes me for Whitney Houston." "carlton, come on." "will, can't you see I'm busy?" "will, there's a big black guy in the house." "will?" "carlton, would you get in here?" "Come on!" "I brought these gloves so we don't leave prints." "yellow or blue?" "yellow." "Come on, curly, Iet's get this over with." "Oh, no, someone's coming." "well, get off me, carlton." "I know they're in here somewhere." "I'm sure, darling, you're going to find your car keys." "bless you." "I'm gonna check in the dining room." "I'm sure it's on the dining room table." "They're not in the dining room." "I've showed you all my quarters, which means every room in the house... except the garage." "I'II start with the powder room." "Okay." "How kind of you, darling." "No pictures." "I'm finished with the proposal." "I thought you might like to see a copy." "Thank you, darling." "well, Iet's give it a preview." "Come in." "certainly, if you wish." "please come into my dining room..." "I have some wonderful old sherry from Spain." "One of my ex-husbands brought it." "allow me." "Thank you very much." "I'm more than happy to pour, if you wish." "Oh, yes, please do." "I'm sorry." "That's okay." "We are just going to do this." "That's it." "And now for the film version of my book." "If MeryI Streep is going to play it, she must have her nose fixed." "absolutely." "Page 3, the schnoz clause." "darling, you're magnificent!" "Yes, that's what my wife always says." "You remember my wife?" "Vivian, mother of my children?" "That lovely lady in the plaid." "How could I forget her?" "philip, may I ask you, are you happily married?" "Oh, yes." "Very happy, extremely happily." "When we walk down the street, deer eat from our hand." "Which reminds me, I don't work with animals." "Sonya, you're a very attractive woman... but I think we should keep this strictly business." "So, if you don't mind, no hanky-panky." "I agree, philip." "So, please, cool the footsie-wootsies." "Sonya, with all due respect... you're the one who's playing footsie-wootsie." "What the hell is this?" "please, darlings, you are too kind." "No pictures." "What are you guys doing here?" "What are you doing here?" "I'm looking for my car keys." "You know what?" "I know where they are, HiI." "I'II go get them." "I'II start the car for you." "I'II check the oil." "Nobody move." "uncle phil, I know what you're thinking, and there's no cake left." "will made me do it." "He held a fork to my head." "AII right, it's like this, uncle phil." "We was coming in here to put back the silverware... that we lifted because we thought that she stole it from Aunt Viv... and, then we found out that she ain't lift nothing." "That's right, darling." "I'm the Iast real woman in this zip code." "Sonya, rest assured these two young men will be strongly disciplined." "AII right, everybody, just stay right where you are." "We got a report of a break-in." "Put your hands down." "I didn't want to steal the silver." "And I didn't want to break back in to return it." "And I didn't want to hide under the furniture..." "like a bad old episode of Laverne  Shirley." "Now I'm gonna be sent off to rot in jail." "This is all your fault." "I have witnesses." "It wasn't me." "Look at poor Henry Firth." "Ever since his wife left him he's been in one meaningless... unsatisfying relationship...." "Oh, Lord, have mercy." "I'm sorry." "After another." "The silver's obviously not in the house." "It must been stolen." "Must been stolen...." "Must have been stolen." "It must've been stolen." "Feets don't fall me now." "Okay." "Nothing." "Fix it in post." "english"