"Well, boys, there she is-- our brand-new water heater." " Ain't she a beauty?" "." " Yep." "This is the best water heater ever." "God bless us, everyone." "You know whyTinyTim walked with a crutch?" "." " 'Cause he had a smart-mouth?" ". [ Chuckles ]" " That's right." "So, guys, tomorrow is the anniversary of Donna's and my first kiss." "And just for that, I'm gonna give her something really special." "You've been trying to give her that for a year, and so far" "Not that." "Something nice." "Forman, man, trust me, okay?" "." "Just pick her some flowers." "The fact thatyou even remembered will guaranteeyou some action." "And who doesn't love the action, huh?" "." "Check out this necklace." " Wow, man." "Is that real gold?" "." " No." " Real diamonds?" "." " No." "But it costs 60 bucks." " [ Hyde, Fez ] Nice." " Yeah." "So, ifyou'll all please avertyour eyes..." "I have to, uh, get my secret stash of cash." "What, you mean your Candy Land stash?" "." "My Ca-- [ Chuckles ]" "I don't keep my money in the..." "Candy Land box." "You moved your money from the Candy Land box?" "." "Oh, shut up and turn around." "Oh, my God!" "You guys, someone stole all my money!" "From Candy Land?" "." "How could such a sad thing happen in such a happy place?" "." "Hangin'out" "Downthestreet" "Thesameoldthing" "Wedidlastweek" "Nota thingto do" "Buttalktoyou" "We'reallallright" "Hello, Wisconsin!" "[ Man On TV ] And sti I I champion, Muhammad Ali." " [ TV Off]" " All right, Fez." "You lose." "Give me five bucks." "Hey, what's going on?" "." "I just lost five bucks on the Muhammad Ali fight." "Fez, that's a rerun." "That fight happened a week ago." " So what areyou guys doing?" "." " We're playing Candy Land." "And I'm stuck in the Marshmallow Mountain again." " Where's Eric?" "." " I don't know." "He's searching the house." "He can't find his money stash." "It's not in the Candy Land box?" "." "Oh, my God." "You guys... guess who's gonna be in the Miss Dairy Princess Pageant." "Oh, I know." "A cow?" "." "No." "Me!" " A beauty pageant?" "." " Yeah." "I mean, look, Donna." "It's not enough that we know I'm prettier than everyone else." "I want the world to know!" "And what betterway to do it than go on stage and parade around like a piece of meat?" "." "I know!" "I know!" "And get this." "Michael is gonna be my pageant boy." "Pageant boy." "Jackie, I am not a pageant boy." "I'm a beauty coach." "Yeah, that's a lot better, Kelso." "So, Donna, do you wanna go see my gown?" "." "Let's go." "Oh" " Oh, I will help." "I have a way with women's hair." "Let's go, girls." "Man, a beauty coach?" "." "What's going on with you?" "." "When Jackie wins this pageant, I am gonna be the guy... with the hottest chick of all ofthe hot chicks." "Yeah, Kelso, th-that's genius." "Yeah.Just picture it." " And this year's Miss Dairy Princess is..." " [Drumroll]" "Kelso's girlfiriend!" " [Applause ]" " Yes!" "[ Laughing ]" "Thankyou." "Thankyou, Bob Eubanks." "Mr. Kelso, now that you've been crowned, what's gonna be your first order ofbusiness?" "." "Well, as Mr. Dairy Princess..." "I would like to give milk products to all ofthose in need." "And then, someday, I would like to rule an entire Hot Chick Dairy Kingdom!" "[Applause ]" " [ Laughing ] - [ Girls Giggling ]" "Settle down, girls." "There's plenty of me to go around here." "Well" " Okay, I gotta go win this thing." " All right." "Where's my money?" "." " What money?" "." "The moneyyou stole from my... special place." "You mean, the pathetic bundle of ones you keep in your little Candy Land game?" "." "So, you admit you knew where it was." "Okay, Eric, first of all, you were a mistake." "Ask Mom and Dad." "And second, ifl did steal it, I'd tell you toyour face, and then I'd steal it more." "Yeah, that does sound likeyou." "Damn!" "Who took my money?" "." "Isn't it obvious who took it?" "." "I mean, think about it." "No morals, lack of character, bad reputation." "Soyou did take it." "No, you idiot." "Hyde." "He's staying down in the basement." "He's poor." "He steals stuff." "No." "No, Hyde wouldn't do that to me." "I'm sureyou're right, Eric." "He's a real good friend." "So, Kelso tells me Hyde tried to steal Donna lastyear." "Is that true?" "." "No." "I mean, well, he tried, but he didn't succeed." "Hmm." "That's not much better, is it, Eric?" "." "Was I really a mistake?" "." "They sued the condom company." "So?" "." "So what doyou think?" "." "Jackie, ifyou want to win, that dress needs to be a lot shorter." "Give to Fez." "Okay,Jackie, let's get to work." "But Michael, we've already done a lot." "I mean, I decided on this dress, and Fez is going to do my hair." "All right." "But I'm gonna tell you something,Jackie." "I've seen pictures ofhis people, and they aren't pretty." "Bite me, pageant boy." "Coach!" "All right." "Fine." "I guess we can use the help." "Fez, you can handleJackie's body, and I'll take care ofher mind." "So,Jackie, does the winner get a scholarship or something?" "." "Who cares?" "." "College is for ugly girls that can't get modeling contracts." "No, college is forwomen who don't want to marry the first idiot they meet... and squeeze out his bastard, moron children." "Hey, Mom, when you were cleaning up downstairs... you didn't happen to come across 60 bucks, did you?" "." "Oh, Eric, did you lose your Candy Land cash?" "." "Does everyone know where I keep my money?" "." "Oh, I'm sorry, honey." "It was a good hiding place." "Oh, maybe you put it in Chutes and Ladders." "No." "I checked." "I mean, I don't know who could've taken it." "At first, I thought it was Laurie, but" "Oh, honey, no." "Laurie wouldn't steal from you." "She steals from me." "Right." "So that only leaves one person." "I mean, he does live in the basement." "Oh, okay, now, ifyou are talking about Steven, I'm gonna get mad." "He is a good apple, and he is your friend, and you can trust him." "Can I?" "." "I mean, no, Mom." "I hate thinking this." "It's just" "It all adds up." "I mean, if not Hyde, then who?" "." "Well, it could be" "Okay, you know what?" "." "I do not want to talk about this anymore." "Okay." "Oh." "[ Chuckling ]" "Here comes a dumb question." "Uh, I wasn't a mistake, was I?" "." "Oh, for-- for" "Okay, who wants some cocoa?" "." "[ Laughs ]" "Okay,Jackie, in 30 seconds or less... what doyou hope to accomplish as Miss Dairy Princess?" "." " Go!" " Um-  [ Mimicking ClockTicking ]" " Um" " Um" "Burn!" "You just lost, lady!" " Michael, I was thinking." " Oh, really?" "." "Well, in 1 974, Miss Alabama started thinking." "Doyou know where she is now?" "." "Alabama." "Ew!" "God, Michael, I don'twant to accomplish anything." "I justwant the title, so I can lord it over people." "That's all I want too,Jackie." "Okay, so the next category is talent." " I can sing." " Oh, no, you can't." "So, boy, am I disappointed." "I went to get my money, but someone stole it." "So, forget the fake gold necklace from Sears." "Now I gotta get Donna a crappy gift." "Hey, what would you guys rather see Jackie do?" "." "Walk a tightrope or ride a mechanical bull?" "." "Well, eitherway, she'll fall on her ass, so..." "I like 'em both." "So, Eric, which rat bastard doyou think has stoleyour money?" "." "Well, I mean, it's anyone's guess." "For all I know" " I mean, it could be someone in this very room." "Oh-ho-ho-ho." "How exciting." "A mystery." "Is Fez a suspect?" "." "Yeah, probably not, Fez." "Why not?" "." "I can be evil." "I hate you!" "See?" "." "Oh, Eric, I don't hate you." "I love you." "I'm sorry." "That's okay, Fez." "And, uh, I'm also pretty sure Kelso here didn't take it." "How long doyou guys think Jackie could hold her breath?" "." "Gee, Inspector." "So ifit isn't Kelso and it isn't Fez..." "I wonderwhoyou could suspect, dill hole." "Uh-oh." "Hyde, I didn't say you took it." "Hey, doyou guys know what a funnyword is?" "." "Pickle weasel." "Forman, then say I didn't take it." "You are both bringing me down." "Hyde, why don'tyou just sayyou didn't take it?" "." "I shouldn't have to say I didn't." "[ Rapid Breathing ]" "Look,just tell meyou didn't, and I'll totally trustyou." "You knowwhat's a funnyword?" "." "Pickleweasel." "How about I tell you this:" "Go to hell, Forman!" "Oh, my God!" "Jackie should clog dance!" "We can't lose!" " [Radio:" "Rock]" " Beauty pageant, here we come!" "[Engine Sputtering, Backfiires ]" "[Engine Dies ]" "Aw, you ran out of gas, you idiot." "You forgot to get gas?" "." "God,Jackie." "Someone had to hem your outfit for the clog dance." "Michael, I told you." "I'm not doing a clog dance!" "God, your stupid van has ruined my life!" "Your life?" "." "What about my life?" "." "What aboutyour life?" "." "Jackie, we are a team." "And part ofbeing a team is thatyou have to do exactlywhat I tell you!" "[ Mutters ] You know,Jackie, there is no "U" in "teamwork!"" "[Slams Door]" " Oh,Jackie, you're upset." " [ Crying ]" "Come, sit on my lap." "Yeah." "[ Sighs ]" "Ta-da!" "Happy Anniversary!" "Oh, my God!" "Wow, they're-- they're beautiful!" "I gotyou something too." "Here." "Open it." "Oh, my God!" "It's a watch." "And it's all digital and stuff!" "." "Oh, gee, look at that." "You had it engraved." "What, you don't like it?" "." "No, no." "I love it." "It's just" "Man, you spent a lot of money on this." "Yeah." "Which means you better start putting out." "Okay, it's kind ofhard to be a tease ifyou're not playing along." "Donna, I was gonna getyou something really great, but" "Yeah, I heard about the crime spree in Candy Land." "Yeah." "Oh!" "You wanna see a picture ofwhat I was gonna getyou?" "." "Sure." "You were gonna get me that?" "." "My God, that's so pretty." "What doyou think?" "." "By Christmas, maybe, ifyou saveyour money?" "." " Donna" " Well, Eric, after seeing this" "I mean, I hate these crappy flowers." "I know!" "I didn't want to giveyou crappy flowers!" "[ Chuckling ] I'm kidding." "I'm kidding." "I love the flowers." "But, you know, maybe ifl return that watch, I can get this for myself." " Give me the watch back." "Give me it." " No way." " No." "Come and get it." " [ Laughing ] Give me it." "  [Soft Rock]" " I don't know, Fez." "Maybe Michael was right." "Maybe I don't have what it takes to win the pageant by myself." "[ Scoffs ] That is nonsense." "You are pretty and nice and talented and sweet." "And everything good in the whole world is you." "I know." "I know." "That's what I told Michael." " But then he said" " Who cares what Michael said?" "." "He was using you foryour beauty so he could become popular." "He makes me sick." "God." "I never thought ofit that way." "Okay,Jackie, I've had some time to think... and, uh, I'm still disappointed in you." " But I'm willing to talk about thewhole thing" " Okay, stop." "Michael, stop." "I've been talking to Fez, and I have only one thing to saytoyou." " I loveyou!" " What?" "." "Michael, you must have really believed in me... to thinkyou could ride my coattails to the top." "Oh, baby." "Come here." "Get off me, both ofyou." "You make me sick." "[ Clears Throat ] Hey, what areyou doin', Red?" "." "I borrowed Eric's Candy Land money to pay for the water heater." "You, uh-- You took Eric's money?" "." "Shh!" "He doesn't know a thing about it." "It's back now." "He'll be none the wiser." "Hey-hey!" "How ya doin'?" "." "Look, Hyde, I just got back from hanging out with Donna." "And you know what?" "." "Hyde, I don't even care what happened to my money... 'cause money doesn't make the world go around." " You know what does?" "." " Screw you." "You called me a thief." "It's love." "That's right." "Love makes the world go round." "Well, that's great, because Red tookyour money." "Right, Hyde." "My dad took it." "Yeah." "Why don't you ask him, Forman?" "." "Uh, Dad, Hyde said you took my money." "Oh, yeah." "I was a little short on the water heater." "Thanks for helping out." "Good news, buddy." "You're cleared." "[ Laughs ]" " Why don'tyou get bent, man?" "." " Wait a minute." "You accused Steven of stealing your money?" "." "Well" " Yeah, but to be fair, Dad, that's before I found outyou stole it." "Which brings up why you didn't ask me." "And, also, you know, you could've told me." " Well, you could've." " Okay." "I'm sorry that I took some money out ofyour little box... when I feed you and clotheyou and put a roof overyour head." "Sor-ry!" "Now, how could you do that to Steven?" "." "He's your best friend." " Well, he made a move on Donna." " Oh, come on!" "Okay." "[ Clears Throat ]" "Well, then, there's only one thing that we can do-- nine rounds ofbare-knuckle boxing." "Come on." "Help me move the couch." "Wait, uh, Dad." "I don't" "No, no, no, no." "I'll referee." "Believe me, when it's over, you'll both feel great." " I know I will." " Red" "Look, ifyou're not mad enough to bare-knuckle box, then you're not mad." "Now, both ofyou need to just get the hell over it!" "Once again, Red's simple, earthywisdom saves the day." "Yeah." "Ain't he a peach?" "." "Look, Hyde, I just" "God, I'm so sorry." "You know what, man?" "." "You either forgive me forwhat happened with Donna oryou don't... butyou can't keep throwing that in my face." "Yeah." "Yeah, you're right." "Um, it's over." "I'm never gonna bring it up again." "I promise." "Yeah, all right." "Whoa." "Man, she gotyou this watch... and all you got her were those crappy flowers?" "." " You loser!" " You're a loser." "[Folk]" "Yeah!" "Dance, baby, dance!" "[Continues]" "Go,Jackie!" "Looking good, baby!"