"Um, Pissface..." "No!" "Baby." "Bye!" "Jonny!" "Argh!" "Such a cockhole." "Well, you would know." "Argh!" "What's the matter, you idiot?" "Nothing." "Don't." "What?" "Hello?" "!" "Happy anniversary!" "Where are they?" "Double suicide?" "Fingers crossed." "Mum?" "!" "What's going...?" "Oh, my God!" "Hurry up, lover boy!" "What are you two bleeding idiots doing here?" "Er, it's Friday night." "You feed us." "I told you to come later, remember?" "No." "Who is it?" "The bloody boys are here." "The boys?" "I thought they were coming at eight." "Didn't you tell them?" "Hi, boys." "Hi, Mum." "Happy anniversary." "Thanks." "Lovely flowers." "You were meant to tell them to come later." "What?" "Hurry up!" "It's a good look." "Thank you." "What's going on?" "What?" "Oh, your mother and I were..." "having a bit of time to ourselves." "OK." "We were just making love." "Oh, God!" "Right." "We're going to go and sit in the car for 20 minutes, then come back in again and pretend this never happened." "Good idea." "Yes, good idea." "Actually, better make it half an hour." "They still have sex." "Sorry, how many times will you be saying that tonight?" "Er... two more times." "They still have sex, they still have sex." "Why couldn't they have just stopped when they had you?" "They're so selfish." "So selfish!" "Uh-oh, here comes Lover Boy." "Yup." "All done!" "Oh, hi, boys." "Hello." "Hello again." "Aren't you going to give me a kiss?" "Yeah, give your mother a kiss." "Um." "What's the matter with you two?" "!" "What?" "Nothing." "Ahh..." "You're embarrassed!" "No, we're not!" "We're not embarrassed." "You are!" "Martin, look at them - they're all embarrassed!" "Lads, there's nothing wrong with your mother and I enjoying a deeply physical relationship." "OK." "Shall we go and sit in the car again?" "Or under the car." "Ahh, they're so cute." "Come on!" "Ah, the pleasures of the flesh!" "Boys, look at the beautiful flowers Dad got me." "OK, we're looking at them..." "Then what happens?" "So, 26 years." "What do you think of that, eh?" "We think, can you please stop kissing Mum now?" "Yeah, it's getting spooky." "Spooky?" "!" "It is spooky." "How can it be spooky?" "Your mother's not a corpse." "You know, if your mother and I had never met all those years ago, you two would never have been produced." "Produced!" "Those two acts of penetration..." "Martin!" "Penetration?" "!" "OK, we're just going to be sick on the floor." "And the walls." "Don't be ridiculous, it's just biology." "Lovely way of putting it." "Right." "When do I get my present?" "Not again..." "Dad, how old are you?" "12." "We do presents after dinner, remember?" "Yes!" "He won't stop asking me." "Well..." "It's just that I got you something special." "Really?" "Well, I made you something special." "You made me something?" "That's not worrying." "What did you make me?" "Ah-ha!" "You'll have to wait and see." "What is it, a shoe?" "An electric chair?" "Oh, God, am I going to hate it?" "Of course you won't hate it." "Would I really make you something horrible?" "I don't know." "Are you able to make me something nice?" "Please stop." "Right, I'm going to get it!" "No-one come out till I say." "Blimey." "Wonder what it is?" "Great." "He's nailing us in." "Martin?" "OK, come out now." "With our hands up?" "What you doing?" "Da-na!" "What is it?" "Well, go on." "Hah!" "I painted it myself." "Did you...?" "Who is it?" "Who is it?" "Your mother." "Is it?" "That's Mum?" "The woman standing next to us right now?" "Yes." "That's me?" "That's you." "Do you like it?" "Um..." "Did you paint it from memory?" "Yes, a really bad memory?" "Or a terrible nightmare?" "Thank you." "No." "A photograph." "Of a different woman?" "Shut up!" "Do you like it?" "Of course I..." "like it." "It's a really original anniversary present." "See, I knew you'd like it." "I'll get the champagne." "Boys, do I really look like that?" "Course you do." "Look." "I seriously can't tell which one's which." "Mmmm." "Oh, God." "I can't have that thing hanging there, looking at me." "I think the champagne's in there." "Still like it?" "Of course!" "It's got to go." "Really, but it's so beautiful!" "Jonny!" "You all right?" "Yeah, no, it's nothing." "Can't find it anywhere." "There's some flat cola." "Hold on a minute." "Agh!" "You're such a turd!" "Adam!" "What's the matter with him?" "Boys?" "Boys?" "!" "What's going on?" "You're acting like your arm's about to drop off." "Tell me." "No." "Jonny!" "All right..." "But don't say anything." "You've got leprosy." "I've got a tattoo." "What?" "!" "I got a tattoo." "Rubbish!" "When?" "Last week." "It bloody kills." "Last week?" "!" "Oh, my God!" "Let me see." "No way." "What do you mean no way?" "I want to see your tattoo." "Sh!" "You'll tell Mum." "Course I won't tell Mum." "Just show me it." "You'll take the piss." "No, I won't." "Unless it's of a man with giant cocks all over his face." "Very good." "Is it of a man with giant cocks all over his face?" "No, it's more sort of..." "Words." "Words?" "What, like, "I am a twat?" Hmm." "Are you all right in there?" "Yes, Mum." "What are you doing?" "Coming!" "Don't tell Mum." "Sorry, we were just..." "Jonny's got a tattoo!" "What?" "!" "You shit!" "Ow!" "Argh!" "Sorry!" "Please can I see it?" "You bastard!" "A tattoo?" "!" "You got a tattoo?" "Martin." "Jonny's got a tattoo!" "What?" "You mustn't get tattoos!" "Christ!" "Will everyone please stop hitting my tattoo?" "!" "He said it again!" "He's got a tattoo!" "I can't believe it." "Excuse me..." "I can't believe you, Jonathan." "Agh!" "You know how much I hate tattoos." "Yes, you know how much Mum hates tattoos." "Shut up!" "It's not, like, a naked lady or something, is it?" "Please leave me alone." "It's basically just porn all over his body." "Seriously!" "What is it?" "An ape?" "What?" "Why would I get a tattoo of an ape?" "To remind you of where you came from originally." "Not a bad answer, actually." "Why did you go and get a tattoo?" "!" "I just felt like it." "You felt like it?" "Everyone does it." "Yeah, Grandma's got an eagle on her tits." "Adam!" "Or a bear?" "An angry bear?" "What?" "Your tattoo." "It could be of an angry bear." "I knew a bloke, he had one of an angry bear." "He was an optician but he drowned." "You see what can happen when you get a tattoo?" "You are so dead." "Well, show us then." "God." "All right." "I'm sure you'll really like it, Mum." "There." "Oh, my God." "It's a skull." "My son has a skull on his arm." "A skull!" "It looks a bit like you, Jackie." "Thank you!" "The hair." "That is pretty terrible." "Shut up." "It's art." "It's really not art." "Why did you have to get this done on our anniversary?" "!" "I didn't get it done on your anniversary." "It doesn't say "Happy Anniversary, Mum and Dad" on it." "At least that would have been something nice." "What are those words?" "It's Latin." ""Vive celer, adulescens morere."" "I think I can translate." ""I am a massive penis."" "Very good." "Well, what does it mean?" "Um, it means..." ""Family comes first."" "Bollocks!" "It does." "Does it?" "Yes." "Cos, you know, I love my family." "Well, at least you were thinking of us when you had it done." "Yeah." "It's horrible." "Are you absolutely sure it definitely means" ""family comes first?"" "Yes, I am sure, thank you." "Right, can we stop talking about my tattoo now?" "You know Grandma's popping in after her bridge evening." "You better not show her, she'll have a bloody stroke." "She will if she speaks Latin." "Internet language translator." "Adam!" "Translation - "live fast and die young."" "What?" "!" "Jonny's tattoo." ""Live fast, die young."" "Mum!" "Is that really what it means, live fast, die young?" "What?" "You want to die young?" "No, it's just a..." "Look can we stop now, please?" "Martin, Jonathan wants to die young." "Does he?" "Yes." "He wants to die young." "Tell him!" "You're not to die young!" "Argghhh!" "God!" "I hate you all!" "Jonny!" "Go and finish the table!" "Jonnyboo!" "Sorry..." "Oh, dear." "Yeah." "It did look a bit like your mum." "I know!" "Not as much as your excellent painting." "Thank you." "Maestro." "Right, down there." "Sir." "Um, Adam." "What?" "Can I talk to you?" "Really?" "What, on the stupid posh chairs that no-one in this family has ever sat on?" "Just sit, you moron." "An audience with the Pope." "What?" "If this is about females..." "You know, if there's anything you want to ask me, you can always..." "Ask you?" "You know..." "Sex things." "Sex things!" "Ugh, thank you, Dad." "So dead." "Pissface." "There's nothing to be embarrassed about." "Your mother and I do sex things." "Please kill me now." "You shouldn't be scared of sex." "It's just simple biology." "Seriously, if you could just shoot me in the mouth." "For example, did you know that a man's erection..." "Urghh!" "Well, you know what a man's erection is, don't you?" "Course I know what a man's erection is!" "Yes, well, a man's erection is basically just capillary action of the blood." "Capillary action?" "Yes." "So the next time you're with a lady and thinking about..." "Penetration." "Please not the 'P' word again!" "You can tell her from me, it's just capillary action of the blood!" "OK, I'll definitely tell her..." "From you." "Thanks." "Ah!" "Ahhh!" "You shitting clot!" "Stop it!" "Stop it!" "That's it, bath-time for baby pus face." "Argh!" "Stop it!" "I'm really not happy with you." "Adam!" "My lovely chairs." "Sorry, Mum." "Thanks for the cool clothes, Dad." "Pleasure." "I really don't look ridiculous." "No, you really do look ridiculous." "Pull your trousers up." "Don't you dare!" "Just sit down." "Right, can we all try and make this a special anniversary dinner, please?" "OK." "So, there's steak tonight." "Ooh!" "Lovely bit of squirrel beef!" "Oh, not now." "Meat!" "Hi, Jim." "Hello Jackie." "Can I come in?" "We don't have long." "Um, are you drunk?" "Not drunk, more sedated." "Sedated?" "Yes, heavily." "Um..." "Thank you, Jackie." "Wilson, come on." "Come on." "Come on, Wilson." "Good boy." "That's it." "Come on." "Wilson." "Oh!" "Boys?" "Martin?" "!" "Are you OK?" "What happened?" "Everything all right?" "Hello, boys and man." "Jim's sedated." "Sedated?" "Yes, you see, I went to take my special pills for my..." "We don't need to know." "..funny bottom." "The thing is, they look just like Wilson's sleepy pills." "You took Wilson's sleeping pills?" "Yes, Martin, I opened Wilson's bottle, put a couple of pills in my hand and then swallowed them." "Jim?" "Oh, dear." "I've done it again." "We should call an ambulance." "No amalamalemce." "OK, then, let's get you back home." "Home..." "We can't send him home like that." "What?" "!" "What about our steaks?" "Come on, Jim." "Come through." "Help me!" "Come on, Jim." "Margaret Thatcher?" "Fantastic." "What?" "No, it's Jackie." "Jackie." "Oh, Jackie." "Wonderful anniversary." "Come on, come on, Jim, let's get you in the living room." "Please, Jim." "I'm fading, I'm fading..." "Jim?" "!" "Jim?" "!" "Night-night, mummy." "Oh, God!" "Some more chippies." "How's sleeping beauty?" "Are you sure we shouldn't call an amalamalemce?" "He'll be fine." "Will he?" "Well, if he does die, we can just bury him under the drive!" "Our special anniversary dinner." "Ahh, come on, Mum." "When are we doing my present?" "All right, I'm 12." "Nice steak?" "Lovely." "Yeah, not as lovely as Jonny's tattoo." "Or Adam's beef water." "Ugh!" "You pair of inbreeds!" "Why did you have to get that horrible tattoo?" "All right!" "Pass me the wine." "More wine?" "Do you want to die young?" "Mum, tell him." "Are you really unhappy or something?" "I mean, you must be to write, I want to die young, on your arm." "Jackie." "Actually, it was live fast, die young." "Shut up." "My brother the Hell's Angel, sorry, local estate agent." "All right, I lost my job, OK?" "!" "I lost my job." "Oh, Jonny." "Arm!" "Sorry." "You lost your job?" "Yeah, I lost it." "Stealing, were you?" "When?" "A couple of weeks ago." "Staff restructuring." "I.E, you were crap." "Why didn't you say, Jonnyboo?" "I didn't want to upset you." "Say something, Martin." "Well, if he's lost his job, he might as well die young." "Have you seen the economy?" "Thank you, Dad." "Is that why you went out and got the...?" "Yeah, I guess." "It's not the nicest tattoo in the world, is it?" "Well..." "It's really horrible." "Revolting." "Argh!" "Jim?" "Fabulous!" "Where is he?" "Jim?" "!" "Where's my painting?" "Ahhhh!" "My horse is in the hospital!" "Jim?" "Come on, Jim!" "Wait, you don't think he's..." "Sleepwalking?" "Seriously, it's meant to be, really dangerous, you can't wake him." "Yeah, it could kill him." "Right, let's wake him, then!" "Where is he?" "Ah, please don't say he's in our bedroom." "He's not in your bedroom." "He is in your bedroom." "Jim." "Jim!" "Come on, Jim." "What is he doing?" "Shhhh!" "You can't wake him." "Hello, Elsie." "Ugh!" "Excellent." "Oh, there." "God." "Dad's sex pants." "Capillary action, eh, dad?" "Yes." "What?" "Nothing." "Not my bed." "I'm completely made of bosoms!" "Oh, God!" "What are we going to do?" "!" "Burn the bed?" "Burn the house?" "I know." "What?" "My present!" "Oh, Jackie." "I love it." "It's absolutely terrific." "Really?" "Come here." "Please..." "See, what it does is, it makes small things, far away, look much closer, and much bigger." "Really, dad?" "Well?" "Still snoring away." "Still in our bed?" "Actually, he's under your bed." "Great." "You really don't think we should call someone?" "Who are we going to call?" "Robert Mugabe?" "!" "Good boy, Wilson." "Um..." "Hello, Jim." "Sleep tight, Wilson." "Jim?" "!" "Jim?" "!" "He's locked us in!" "Shit on it!" "Jim!" "Jim!" "Open the door, Jim!" "Bloody hell." "I told you, you can't open them without the key." "Which you lost." "Which I lost." "An hour and 20 minutes... ugh!" "Jim!" "Seriously, no-one has a phone on them?" "No!" "And you're absolutely sure there isn't a computer in here?" "There's a printer." "Great, we'll print our way out." "So, what, we just die in here then?" "Live fast, die young." "Very clever." "Grandma will be here soon, so..." "Oh, yes, Supergranny will save us." "All right!" "And what happens if Grandma doesn't come round, or Jim doesn't wake up?" "Yeah, we could starve to death." "Don't be silly." "We could." "All right, well, if we were really that hungry, we'd just have to... eat dad." "Eat me?" "Yes." "Why me?" "!" "What?" "You wouldn't sacrifice your own life for your sons?" "Those two pillocks?" "No way!" "Oh, that's nice." "So, the boys could be dying of starvation in here, and you wouldn't let them eat you?" "Charming." "Yes, charming, Dad." "Why can't they eat you?" "Because I'm their mother." "Definitely makes sense." "Oh, my God!" "Grandma." "Grandma!" "Grandma!" "Mum!" "The Goodman residence." "Jacqueline?" "We're in here!" "We're in here!" "You're in there?" "Yes!" "What are you doing in there?" "It's a bit complicated." "Do you want me to let you out?" "Oh, for fuck's sake!" "Jonny!" "Yeah!" "It's Supergranny!" "Oh!" "Thanks, Nellie." "What happened?" "You saved us." "From eating each other." "I am waking that man up now, and I do not care if it bloody well kills him!" "Careful, Jackie." "Grandma, have you seen Jonny's tattoo?" "Don't." "Adam!" "Very pretty." "Show us your eagle." "What?" "!" "Nothing." "OK, Jim, time to wake up now!" "Oh, my God!" "Oh, dear!" "That's better." "Ah!" "Jim!" "Wake up!" "Wake up!" "Actually, no, Martin, no, we shouldn't wake him." "What?" "!" "It's too dangerous." "But he's weeing on your face." "Ah, come on." "Jackie!" "Quick, quick, quick." "Shhh." "But, Jackie, your lovely painting." "I know, Martin." "And it really was lovely, wasn't it boys?" "Yeah." "I'm sorry, darling." "I spent hours on that." "I..." "Happy anniversary, anyway." "Yeah." "Ahh, isn't that nice?" "Jackie?" "What?" "Penetration?"