"I'm getting my mattress today." " No, don't get a mattress." " I have to get a mattress." "You stay in my bed and then we'll use your room as a home gym." " That's a good idea." " Mm-hmm." " You're the best roommate." " You're the best roommate." "I'm sorry I have a boner." " It's not for you." " Mmm." "I thank the higher powers for all of the gifts that I have already received like a keen mathematical mind and fairly fast-growing hair." "And I ask the universe to present me with my path and to ruin Ray's life." "Thank you so much for lunch." "It was such an unexpected and nice surprise." "I know." "I wanted to have kind of a consolation lunch." "Like a last hurrah." "A last hurrah?" " Oh, shit." " What?" "Oh, shit, Marnie." "The whole point of lunch was to downsize you and then smooth it over." "And then we got to all that loose talk about Tom Sachs and I completely spaced." "Fuck!" "I am truly sorry." "Um, wait a minute." "Are you firing me?" "No." "Absolutely not." "Downsizing is different." "I run a fucking art gallery, Marnie." "I can't afford two employees." "Anyway, you're gorgeous and totally bright." " You'll land on your feet." " Wait, wait, wait." "Do you mean that you are keeping Julian and firing me?" "Julian spilled Yoo-Hoo on a print." "Why would you keep Julian?" "Well, I've fucked Julian, so he could sue me." "Anyway, it was a lesser print." "Let's go in here." "They have pants made of scuba material and I want you to tell me if they make me look crazy." "You wanted this." "I wanted this so bad." " And now you're getting it." " Now I'm finally getting it." " It's about fucking time." " It's about fucking time." "This was fun at the beginning, but you know what?" "It's really hard to run with a boner." "So you have to come to me." "I'm so glad I ran into you in Grumpy's." "I'm so glad you accepted that thing that I claimed was a macchiato, but was really three kinds of syrup and soda water." "I love how weird you are." "Please don't say love to me." "It was-- it was a joke love." "Don't even say a joke love to me." "I don't want to hear any love." "Why do you have so many rules?" "Well, I told you that I'm doing this a different way, okay?" "I'm not just gonna show up and knock on your door in the middle of the night." "I'm not going to make up weird excuses to see you." "I'm not gonna invite you to my housewarming party and introduce you to my whole social circle." "I'm gonna make logical, responsible decisions when it comes to you." "So it's irresponsible for you to date me?" "It's not irresponsible for me to date you." "It's just that, like, you do not know how many, like, dementos and slugs and weirdos I've dated." "I used to like any guy who liked me." "And so now I'm really being thoughtful about this and taking the time to figure out what I'm looking for in a romance relationship." "Oh, so this is about him." " No." " Yeah." " I'm not saying that." " Yeah." "Although he was hit by a truck and it was my fault, so I have a little bit of guilt." "Well, then, let's tell him." "I want to do that." "I'd love to do that." "But I just should probably wait until he's capable of wiping himself." "There's so many guys in fezzes." "Do you love this movie or what?" "What." "Well, I know it's goofy." "I just really like a world in which people spontaneously break into song and dance." " So sue me." " Can I have some water, please?" "Sure." "How do you feel?" "Like I got hit by a fucking truck." "Which I did." "Here you go." "Adam, I feel like we might need to talk again." "What do we need to talk about?" "Well, we're not together anymore." "I don't really care about labels." "You're here all the time." "You're my main hang." "Yeah, and" "So if you need to not have the title for a while," "I'm not gonna freak out." "Okay, but for me, it's about a little bit more than the title." "Have you ever gotten along with someone like this?" "Have you ever known someone this well?" "Because I haven't." "And I bet you haven't." "Did you like fucking me?" "I think you did." "I came, you came hard." "We all laughed." "What's the issue?" "You're not being that nice to me, so I don't really understand why you'd even want to have me around." "Well, when you love someone, you don't have to be nice all the time." "Okay." "Do you want to watch something different?" "Yes." "I have to piss." " Okay, you need my help?" " The pot." "Okay." "Hey, Adam, I need to talk to you about something." "What?" "What's wrong?" " I hurt all over." " Are you okay?" "No." "What do you want to talk about?" "Nothing." "I don't want to talk about anything." "I fucking missed." "I can tell." "You look-- can I be honest?" " Yeah." " 30 years old." "Mom, please." "I miss the softness in your face." "I am growing older and I'm under a lot of stress." "I got fired." "There's stuff." "Don't say fired." "You're transitioning." "They downsized." "Jesus, your father would tell you that if he ever gets out from under his pillow." "Okay, I'm transitioning." "But it's not like I'm starving myself on purpose." "I'm just-- you know, I had a bad breakup." "And it's okay." "I think we're gonna be able to stay friends." "But I'm not gonna do, like, what Hannah does and order six pizzas to make me feel better." "All you girls think that you look really good, but you just look like floats in the Macy's parade-- these big heads on these tiny bodies." "You know what?" "You're just being judgmental of other people's bodies because you lost, what, 34 pounds and you think that gives you license to control the way the rest of us eat." "You haven't had a bite of your salad." "Well, I had a late breakfast." "Are you still seeing that man?" "I'm sleeping with him." "And don't be prudish." "I'm not prudish." "I'm happy for you." "What does he do?" "He's a cater waiter and he's hot." "I wouldn't even sleep with a cater waiter, and they're my age." "Really, sometimes all you need is just a pair of rough hands on your body." "Mom, that's disgusting." "I don't know." "Maybe you're not ready for me to talk to you about this stuff." " Ew." " And frankly," "I'm a little hurt that we can't just be friends." "I can be your friend." "Well, then you need to act like a friend." "I'm treating you like my friend." "You wouldn't talk to your friends like this." "I talk to my friends way worse than this." "Really?" "Yeah." "God, this is fun." "It's so important to entertain." "It's what keeps you young." "It's why my parents look so old and decrepit." "It's because they never have anybody over." "I think we should start by having theme nights." "I love that." "Obviously one will be a fondue night." "Obviously fondue night." "I think we should also do a craft night." "Yeah, as long as we keep our supplies to one corner." " But definitely a craft night." " Absolutely a craft night." "I definitely want to do a Japanese snack night." "All your nights can't be food nights, though." "Like, I was thinking maybe we could do something more like a French salon." "Okay, I love that idea because I've always felt like I was secretly really good at cutting hair." "I was thinking of it more in terms of just, like, a Gertrude Steiny idea." " Oh, so like a lesbian night." " Well, no." "It's just, like, I watched "Midnight in Paris"" "and I thought, "I can do that."" "Okay, so it's like when the Manson family, before they committed any murders, and Squeaky Fromme was just like the Mary of Peter, Paul and Mary." "Yeah, when they were just like a band." " Like a dirty band." " Yeah." "I love living with you." "And I'm so excited that George is coming tonight because, you know, I feel like things are getting more serious with him." "And I want my friends to see that I have this handsome, rich boyfriend." "And maybe I want to be Wendi Murdoch." "Maybe that's my new thing." "I'm just really glad Sandy's not coming because I just want to be an independent lady tonight." "I just want to be like, "What?" "It's my party."" "And I'm just gonna sidle up to whoever I like." "Yeah, until Adam shows up and asks you to wash his nutsack." " Come in." " Hi." " Hi." " Hi." "OM-effing-G!" " This place looks amaze." " Thank you." "No, seriously." "It used to be a total dump." "No offense." "It just looks kind of incredible." " I know." " Thank you so much." " I'm not even joking, it's amazing." "Also, I just wanted to let you guys know, like BJ Dobbs, do not be worried about me because I thought you maybe looked a little bit worried." "But, like, I am so fine with the fact that Ray is coming tonight." "I mean, even if he is coming." "I don't know if he's coming." "Like, I am ready to take this party by storm." "Like, I am woman, hear me roar." "You know what I mean?" "Like, I may be deflowered, but I am not devalued." "Do you miss your hymen?" "Miss would definitely be the wrong word." "Like, I wouldn't say that I miss it." "I would just say that it kind of feels like something's missing." "You know what I mean?" "They're really good." "The cheese got all hard in a good way." "People will like that, though." "Hey." "Oh, hello." "Good-bye." " Hey, mister." " Hey, lady." " How's it going?" " It's good." " Are you in line?" " Uh, no, I just" "Well, Audrey's in there." " She's behind this door?" " Yeah." "What?" "I mean, Hannah said that you'd be okay with it." "Yeah." "Yeah." "No, no, no." "I'm totally" "I'm totally whatever." "Yeah." "Cool." "So you're just, like, waiting for her to pee?" "Yeah." "I mean, she doesn't know anyone here, so..." "You were always a really nice date." "Yo." "Oh, I told you not to wait." "Yeah, I know." "But, you know, you don't know anyone here, so..." "The apartment is, like, 10 feet across." " I think I'll be okay." " You remember Marnie, right?" " Yeah." "Hi." " Hey, Audrey." "Do you know if there's any pot at this party?" "No, no." "I don't live here anymore, so I don't know." "Yeah, I don't even know why I asked you." " Oh, man." "Women, right?" " Yeah." "I don't want to wear this." "I don't really know what's wrong with it." "'Cause it makes me feel like a stupid sailor nun." "Oh, if you feel that strongly." "Do you think I should wear this?" " Yeah, it's fine." " Let's see if this works." "Are we okay?" " You and me?" " Yeah." " Are you serious?" " Yeah." "Are we, like, less close now?" "Of course we're not less close." "I mean, you moved out." "So when two people don't live together anymore, they're obviously a little less close, but we're no less close than that." "Maybe then we need to just try harder." "Like, make plans for just the two of us." "Well, I'm always working." "And it's like if I'm not at Grumpy's, then I'm writing." " It's just..." " I tried calling you a lot last week." "And I told you now I have a third full-time job, which is taking care of Adam." "I'm sorry." "I'm having a really shitty time right now." "I have no job, no boyfriend." "And it's starting to feel like I have no you, and that's..." " That's not true, okay?" " Yeah." "Marnie, I'm right here." "Okay." "So Hannah says Greenpoint." "I'm like, "Where the fuck is that?"" "I didn't even know there was a G train." "And then I was thinking about it and I, you know-- on the one hand, I do love pierogies." "On the other hand, I love pierogies." "Elijah." " Do one song with me." " Baby, you're drunk." "I'll alert the media." "Just, hey, come and do one song." " I'm sorry, one second." " Come on, one song." " Maybe later, okay?" " Okay." "Okay." "But we are doing "Hot Lunch Jam."" " You promised me that." " Yeah, absolutely." " Can I have the microphone?" " You are so pretty." " Why don't you get some coffee?" " You look like Troy Donahue." "I know." "Wait." "Babe, why don't you just sit down?" "Okay, give me the microphone." " Give me that." " Fuck you." " Fuck you." " Okay, shh-shh." "You know what?" "You guys are all so fucking boring." "You know, when I was your age," "I was snorting coke on twinks and dancing with my tits out." "But you guys are all too fucking cool to do one song?" " Fuck you!" " Does anybody have a Klonopin?" "What are you looking at , fake lumberjack guy?" "This is a first-rate party full of losers." "I need you." "What?" "I have to go over to Adam's." "He ran out of painkillers." "There's actual drama occurring right now, okay?" "I need you to help me with George." "Adam's gonna be fine." "You already changed his bedpan once today." " Ew." " Hannah, please help me with this." "I need you to get George out." "He's ruining the party and additionally my life." "Why don't you just ask him to leave?" "I did and he won't." "I need you to help me with this." "I will let you talk about Adam for, like, unlimited from now on." "I really don't talk about Adam that much." " Hannah." " I don't." "Are you fucking kidding?" "I fucking hate grown-ups." "I never talk about Adam anymore." " Step, step, step." " Yup, right through here." "I don't care what anybody says," "Hannah, you are a very sweet girl." "You're not judgmental like the rest of your peers." "I'm sorry, George." "For what?" "Did you forget your wallet?" " Please, don't go." " I'm just not stoned enough to do this." "We're supposed to meet up tomorrow for brunch." " What is your problem?" " Dude, I'm out." " I just can't." "I'm out." " Okay." "Yeah, so we'll just, uh, meet tomorrow, then." "See you." "Yeah." " Hey." " Love, right?" "Fuck." "Yeah, can't live with it, can't live without it." "Yeah." "Actually, I realized the other day that I think I could go, like, eight months with no sex and I would be absolutely fine." "Well, lucky you." "Yeah." " Hmm." " You okay?" " I mean, that looked" " I'm fine." "She's just dramatic." "She usually needs, like, a 24-hour cooling period." "Then that's it." "We're good." "And you are doing well, I presume?" "Oh, man, it's been so great with her." "We, you know-- it's like every day is like a new day." "We just-- we meet up and, you know, she gets off work and then I see her and she has all this-- these things to say all the time." "And I do, too." "You know?" "They're always new things, never repetitive." "And then we just kind of go back and forth and, you know, it's like this whole tennis match of ideas." "A conversation, yeah, with two people." "Come on!" "This is silly." "Just open the door." "George, this is harder for me than it is for you, okay?" "Open the door." "George, if you would just go away," "I think you'll realize in the morning how silly this was." "We can all laugh about it over a bowl of Crisps." "You are not a sweet girl at all." " I'm a sweet girl." " You are a cunt just like Elijah says." "Fuck it." "I" " I'll go to Gary's party." "Need any help?" "I'm fine, thank you." "It's pretty shiny, so I'll probably find it soon." "Pretty bitchin' cheese plate you brought over." "My computer tells me you unfriended me on Facebook." "Yeah, well, I didn't feel like seeing you in my feed any longer." "That's not very nice." "Yeah, well, you weren't very nice." "You hurt me, okay?" "You hurt my feelings." "But I can deal with it because I have my big girl pants on." "You realize you're actually wearing" "I don't think that's funny." "That's not funny to me." "Look, I don't want you to be upset with me." "Are you kidding, Ray?" "If you don't want to date me, that's fine, because I don't want to date you either because I only want to date people who want to date me because that is called self-respect." "But I do not have to like you, okay?" "You were never my friend." "You were only my lover." "And that is now over." "You know, when I'm not around you, okay, when you just send me a text full of emojis," " it is so easy to dismiss you." " What is wrong with emojis?" "A panda next to a gun next to a wrapped gift?" " It makes no sense." " You make no sense!" "You rejected me and you are now insulting me." "And you do not get to have me like you now." " So you should" " Hold on." "Let me finish, okay?" "What I wanted to say is when I'm around you, I remember." "Okay?" "I remember." "I remember your charm, your innocence, your strength, this beautiful, fresh, vibrant sincerity." "You know, I" "I'm really tired of being insulted, even when it comes before a compliment." "So I am now leaving." "Hey." "Hey." "Okay." "I have your pain medication, hand sanitizer, lotion, magazine, granola bar." "Want that now?" "No, I'll eat that later." "There's a bunch of stuff in here." "I will see you tomorrow." "Do you want to watch "Bagger Vance"?" "I can't, okay?" "I'm working the door." "Do you want to watch "Bagger Vance" extras?" "No." "Elijah's being a fascist dictator." "I really got to go." "I'll see you later." "Do you want to make balloon faces?" "No, like, Elijah's being crazy." "I have to go back to the party." "Wait, Hannah, stop." "You're the best thing in my life." "I don't know how to behave without you." "I'll die if you go away." "I don't want to be with you." "You do." "We laid right there on that bed a month ago and you told me if you ever broke up with me that I shouldn't let you." "Because you were just being crazy." "And how every guy you ever loved was gay." "And how I was the only one that made you feel anything." "Don't get up, Adam." "Don't get up." "And you said that I made you feel like your whole body was a clit." " I never said that." " Yes, you did." "Yes, you did!" "Okay, and I meant it." " But" " But what?" "Firstly, I've loved one gay guy, okay?" "So that's the number." "And I just-- I changed my mind." "How?" " I changed my mind." " Yeah, but how does that work?" "You know what?" "I have tried this whole thing, okay, of being selfless and taking care of everyone around me and worrying about everyone before myself." "But you know what?" "I'm an individual." "And I feel how I feel when I feel it." "And right now, I feel like I don't ever want to see you again." " Is that okay?" " No, not okay." "Well, it's not your choice." "It's my choice." "Fuck." "No harmony there." "Sorry." "We are totally starting a band." " Oh, my God." "Yes." " Yes." "You have a really beautiful voice." "I mean, you always have, but it's getting richer with age." "It's losing that Disney princess feeling." "Thank you." "No, I mean it." "You could sing professionally." "I know." "Okay, as long as you know." "Was it weird seeing Charlie and Audrey tonight?" "Oh, they can have each other." "Whatever." "How about for you?" "I mean, you and George-- do you, like, hate him now?" "Ugh, I can't even begin to think about that." "Our lives are so entwined." "What, like you've met his whole family?" " No, like, he pays for everything." " Oh." "I didn't mean for it to happen." "It's just that, you know, one day he pays for dinner and then he's paying for all the dinners." "And then he's paying for my MetroCard and my rent." "I could never be a gay man." "I hate giving blow jobs and having anal sex." "I assume." "What?" "I've never had anal sex." " Really?" " No." "Shut up." "I don't know." "Sometimes I wonder if it's even worth it." "Maybe this is just-- maybe it's a phase." "Maybe I'm bi." "Hannah would be so angry if you were bi." "People are so prejudiced against bisexuals, though." "It's like the only group of people you can still make fun of." "It's like bisexuals and Germans." "I happen to be both." "Do you ever find that you're attracted to women?" "Sometimes if I'm in an elevator and a woman walks in and I get a whiff of her hair, something will happen." "Or if I'm watching TV and I see Lisa Rinna or Allison Janney, I still get an erection." "Or like tonight when I saw you in here." " Oh, fuck you." " You know how hot you are." "That's why you're such a little bitch." "Hey." "Bitch." "Don't call me a bitch." "You little bitch." "Ow!" "Fucking ow!" "What's with all the hitting all the time?" "You fucking kissed me." "Oh, my God." "This is hard." "Don't touch me." " Mm-mm." "Mm-mm." " What?" "Uh-- all right, fuck it." "Oh, you smell so good." "Thank you." "It's Benoit." " Yeah?" " Yeah." " You're good at that." " Yeah." "I think you should get a condom." " Yeah, just" " Yeah?" " Yeah, yeah, yeah. ust get one." " Yeah?" "Oh, my God." "Sorry." "Okay." " You all right?" " Yeah." "You okay?" "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "Give me a second." "Give me a second." "Give me a second." "Give me a second." "How am I supposed to get hard if you're rolling your eyes?" "I didn't roll" " I did not roll my eyes at you." "You rolled them in my face." "I 100% did not roll my eyes." "I looked up." "I went like..." "You know, you really don't have to try to be anything that you're not." "Neither do you." "Pardonnez." "Pardonnez." "We need this cab." "Jump right in, honey." "Just jump right in." "Excuse me." "Sorry, girls." "Sir, go ahead and take it." "My wife is very ill." "We're Mexican." "We're Mexican." "We don't know the rules." "No hablo." "No "habalos."" "Okay, let's go, let's go." "Thank you." "We're going to, um..." "What?" "Fucking what?" "What's so fucking funny?" "I don't know where we live." "I don't know your address." "I'm not here to cause any trouble." "I know you have a girlfriend, but I just need to sleep next to someone tonight." "Okay." "It's a little late, lady." "Can I borrow "The Fountainhead"?" "Sure." "It's in my library."