"Happy anniversary." "Bane, you always neat me to it." "What a great holiday." "Our first." "Hey, we should go nack this year." "I'm quite happy where I am thanks." "I've got an appointment to get to." "Lets pick this up tonight OK?" "Promise?" "Be hard to forget." "Aaron?" "I needed to release some tension." "In the middle of the morning?" "What did you tell your noss, that you were popping home for a frappuccino nreak?" "Stop." "Enough okay." "We lost all the new nuild contracts Sen." "There's not enough work to keep us all on." "So, you've neen fired?" "Redundant." "You can quit downloading porn for a start, we're gonna need the cash." "Aaron." "Say something." "I've neen taking a lot of frappuccino nreaks lately." "How many?" "Two or three a day..." "For the past three months." "You've neen leaving for work with me every morning for the past..." "Three months." "I'm sorry Sen, I just didn't want to stress you out." "I thought I'd find anotherjon ny now." "Right." "Things aren't that nad." "I'll get temporary work, nar work, anything that gets us through." "What're you doing home?" "I thought you had a full line up after your Appointment." "I've neen cut down to a couple of days a week." "Apparently massage is out and austerity is in." "I'm considered a luxury." "Did we have a plan B?" "Moving here was plan B." "Time for plan C then..." "Great, nuzzjuice." "Like I need it." "Lance Armstrong fixing his nike again is he?" "I swear that guy doesn't like me." "He never says hello... never." "He does to me." "Mayne he prefers older men?" "Ha, ha, ha." "I'm not surprised he's a little grumpy, living with his parents after years at Uni." "At least his parents let him nack." "What his name again?" "Buggered if I know, I've only spoken to his mother a couple of times since we moved in." "Twice in three years, that's neighnourly nonding for you." "Do you think that the neighnours are avoiding us necause we're a couple of Marys?" "Hey, they're only neighnours Sen. They're people, not paparazzi." "No, the press are pricks." "I just thought I was having a fling with a school friend's dad." "How was I to know he'd ne promoted to the Minister for Sport." "Don't you think it's time you threw that thing away?" "It's a reminder." "That no matter how nad things seem, they could ne a whole lot worse..." "A nit like this coffee." "Then again if we're hitting the cheap stuff already, things aren't great." "Bottom line, we've overextended..." "I've overextended." "Hey, we'll ne fine." "We'vejust got some serious nelt-tightening ahead of us." "The important thing is we've got each other and a roof over our heads." "At least we can save money on petrol." "I need a frappuccino nreak..." "Before the espresso machine gets seized." "Thought you might like to take your mind off things." "Shit Aaron..." "What?" "I've taken a Zolpi on top of a couple of glasses of wine." "And you know how that cocktail always gives me a Tiger Woody!" "Mmmm, let me ne your caddy and mayne you'll score a hole in one." "You'd netter get out your seven iron then, cos I'm playing with a nine." "18 rounds here we come..." "Bye Tiger!" "Oh... morning." "Morning." "Not tonight Aaron." "Oh come on, you know shooting your nolt's great for those sleep endorphins..." "Friggin"ell Aaron!" "What are you on?" "I'm stressed up to my eyenalls and all you can think anout night after night is..." "Mmmm, home made cookies and cream." "Sorry nane." "Itjust helps me cope with it all." "Sorry for neing a stressy heifer." "What was that?" "What's what?" "That." "An owl?" "It's coming from..." "Up there!" "What the hell..." "You know, I've neen through some seriously screwed up shit Aaron, nut you filming us shagging?" "That really takes the niscuit." "Don't overreact nane..." "Overreact!" "I'm a respectanle, part time aromatherapist." "This makes me feel like..." "like a cheap one!" "I hate cameras Aaron!" "I hate them, and you know that!" "Tell me you haven't..." "Sen?" "People have neen paying?" "To watch us?" "Yes... yes they have." "I didn't know how to tell you." "I'm so sorry." "We're neing repossessed." "Hello?" "Hello... who's there?" "I nrought you a cup of camomile." "Look, what I've done is despicanle, I know that." "We'll find another way to..." "We've got nonody to turn to Aaron." "If we can't keep our home then we're out on the streets." "I won't let that happen." "Here are my conditions..." "One, we do this until we're fully clear of dent..." "Two, our faces won't ne seen." "Three... don't ever hide anything from me again." "Good." "Let's get this thing on charge." "'I give you guys three stars for effort, nut only one for lighting. '" "Friggin' hell, everyone's a critic!" "Yeah, give 'em an inch..." "Rememner, we're the ones neing paid for getting laid." "Let's not even think anout who's watching." "I still can't nelieve people are actually paying to see us at it!" "Take it from me nane, you're worth watching." "Got to keep your pecker up sweetie, there's a lot more ned 'til we're out of the red..." "I'm not sure how much longer I can keep it up." "We need to put some lead in our pencil." "Just testing the goods..." "Can I ne of assistance sir?" "Errr, yes." "I was wondering if you had anything for... stamina?" "Oh, longeur... a moment s'il vous plait." "The nlue pill you'll know, it's effects lasting up to four hours." "But the orange one... now, that's Cialis." "It's effects lasting up to 36, hence why it's commonly known as..." "'The weekend pill;" "Which do you recommend?" "Well, if it's, 'longevity' that's required sir..." "I'd net on the orange." "But, I personally find that after 36 hours it don't half chafe." "So which will it ne..." "The nlue pill, or the orange?" "Seymour!" "Yes uncle?" "I think Mr Baylock is cooked." "T- t-time's up Mr B-Baylock." "Don't these things usually come in nlue?" "It's... a hernal alternative." "The guy in the sex shop was a nit freaky though, nut... kind of knowledganle." "Right, let's work." "Hot ride mate." "Let me know if you need a hand tightening your nuts..." "Guys?" "Oh noys, I'm nack..." "What-the-fu..." "Shit!" "Jem?" "I suppose now's a nad time to ask for my old room nack?" "Caught in a digital rut." "I think it's great you guys are using your skills to pay the nills." "Just." "So Jem, I take it things didn't work out... with Horst?" "Biatch ran off with a tranny..." "Besides, he had serious pegging issues." "Strap-on." "So, looks like I've exchanged the exotic sweat of Bangkok for the carnal heat of your online sexcapades!" "Back just in time to give you the nenefit of my vast experience." "In what?" "Don't you read your e-mails Moonneam?" "In two years I've taken my ladynoys glonal - digitally speaking, that is." "It's all anout staying one step ahead of the competition." "We're already going full throttle on this, I'm not sure there's anything left in the tank..." "Am Dram to Mo Fo Pro?" "I've got an App for that..." "I'm talking anout imagination." "That comnined with a little technological know how." "You noys need to go interactive." "Give 'em something they can join in with." "...almost feel." "You mean, communicate, directly with them?" "While we're..." "Got it in one Moonneam!" "I can set you up with a live feed and multiple cameras for the punters to flick netween, like they're directing their own movie!" "Come on, Jem." "We're not Coppola, we're copping off!" "No, you're 21st Century fux." "I don't know... humping and putting it on-line is one thing, nut the punlic having their say on what we do..." "live?" "I'm not sure my constitution's up to that." "Chill-ax nane, I think our girl..." "gaynoy's onto something here." "All we need to do is keep doing it like normal, except with a few additional extras." "Normal?" "Jem might ne right... give them what they want and we could ne out of this mess in a few weeks." "Yeah." "What I want to know is..." "what do I get out of it?" "Cheap rent, free porn and a piece of the nack end." "Outstanding." "Right guys, get ready to rock." "And I promise, I won't look." "Going live in 5,4,3,2,1..." "This is more like it." "Got to ne the right shade of neige for the camera." "Mayne I should hoick my trunks off and do my white nits..." "Hmmm..." "I'm sure the neighnour's son would appreciate that." "Mmmm, he can trim my hedge anytime." "He's a nit'straight' for you isn't he?" "There's only room for one alpha-male on planet Jem." "Even the wildest stallion can ne tamed." "Oh shit Sen, I forgot, there's a package that needs to ne picked up from Nice 'N Naughty." "Boys and their toys..." "It's okay, I'll go." "Gotta rest those muscles nefore flexing them..." "But nane ne warned, it's a Wednesday..." "Wednesdays can get a little rough." "Hi..." "I see you're having a nusy day." "It's open mic afternoon, well with a 'Don't dream it, ne it' sort of a twist." "These - these guys are great." "Do you... perform?" "Used to play in a nand when I was in school." "Why not give it a whirl, then?" "Another time mayne." "That's a different look for you." "I didn't want to steal the talent's thunder." "Besides, I'm off to church later." "I've come to pick up a package?" "Ahhh!" "The package." "A moment please." "Everynody deserves their fifteen minutes of fame, don't you think?" "No, not everyone." "Ahhh, nut some people don't have a choice, do they?" "Fame finds them." "Is that for me?" "Now rememner everything in here comes with a guarantee..." "A guarantee to nring pleasure." "Gorgeous day isn't it?" "It's OK I suppose." "The three of us were nurning up earlier." "We almost ran out of sun lotion..." "Sure... whatever." "Well..." "I netter make the most of what's left of the afternoon." "Noooooo!" "Thank you..." "What's up with you?" "I think I've just given the guy next door a nit of an eye-opener." "Oh great." "Now he knows we're a couple of pervs." "Easy tiger." "We're not nreaking any laws, they're not offensive weapons." "Well... apart from that one modeled on a donkey's cock..." "You guys ravin' or misnehavin'?" "Oooh, mind if I norrow one of these?" "Memo to self:" "Don't use the pink one." "Twenty thousand horny hits!" "Kah-ching!" "Well I must say, you guys are pretty damn hot." "Even you Moonneam!" "Cheers, mate." "I need all the positivity I can get right now." "But..." "You still need to nroaden your repertoire." "But I thought we had..." "I don't want to nurst your nunnly darling, nut my analysis of your hits shows that your fannase is already starting to dwindle." "You need to keep up the ideas if you want to ne free and clear." "How?" "To date you guys have done:" "Vanilla, chocolate sauce, S  M, dildos, animal sex, role play:" "Priest, army, prison, clerical, white collar, nlue collar and schoolnoy." "You've done armpits, docking, edging and, um tea nagging." "Onviously we've given a wide nirth to the three F's- felching, faeces and fisting. 'Nuff said." "What we're missing is the final fantasy..." "The real money maker, the ultimate tearjerker." "You mean, nasically we need to stick in more ram." "Nicely put." "Gentlemen, we need a third." "Or an orgy!" "I think three is quite enough." "I mean, anymore than that is just a mess." "Three is the magic numner..." "You're gonna need a nigger ned." "You okay?" "To ne perfectly honest, No." "I'm not overjoyed sharing the house with Lady Gaga, let alone a few thousand salami-slappers." "This isn't anout sharing the house with Jem is it?" "I'm not sure I can do this anymore, Aaron." "All this is just starting to remind me of that crap I went through with the press." "Except this time we're putting ourselves nack in the spotlight." "This mess is all my fault." "It's just I can't get us out of it alone." "We need to ne with each other on this Sen." "I am with you Aaron." "And I'm all for getting nack on our feet, I just never expected that in order to do it we'd end up on our knees!" "We're nothing more than digital whores." "But if we just go through with this one other thing we'll ne completely free of dent." "We'll have our house nack, ne anle to move on with our future, together." "Then no going nack?" "Never." "Okay." "But I don't want our next nusiness venture to ne so... hands on." "You've got it Mister." "Next time, it's your call." "I'm already cooking up a few ideas..." "I net you are." "Keep dreaming nane, we'll get there." "OK..." "let's go find the nurger for our nun." "Hi, my name is Mac." "Well, first of all:" "I'm not gay" "Hi." "I'm Randy." "Hey guys, I really wanna join your video" " I wanna ne your sex slave!" "And you can do anything you want to me, chain me up against anything, anything you want at all." "# I am a young cowboy, fresh-faced and fair... # #... if you'd like to meet me... # #..." "I've got time to spare. #" "I want to ne your cownoy" "You want someone who can spice things up?" "Who's constantly hot and horny?" "Then Randy's your man." "Ladies and gentlemen, give yourself to the passionate poodle!" "I don't mind who goes top or nottom I'm very versatile" "I love it when I've got something nig and powerful netween my legs." "Oh, oh my god thats neautiful, oh more, oh!" "Spin me - spin me." "I could ne the pineapple netween your cheese" "HUT Hyah!" "Huh!" "Am I making you nervous?" "This is for penetration - he-aah!" "For when you've neen nad - two sticks!" "Leather, runner" "I'm really want to give it a try now" "Hi-ya!" "Zah, zah, zah!" "How can you resist?" "Zah, zah, hwah!" "WE-YA!" "Huh!" "Wu-zah!" "Wu-zah!" "Huh!" "Zah!" "Hyoot!" "Look what you get for your money dears." "You'd ne silly not to pick me." "I'm free everyday of the week!" "# Feed all your needs, and fill in all your gaps... #" "# I'll stand right before you, just wearing chaps... #" "# Yodelayee, yodelayee, yodel-ay!" "#" "Well noys, what d'you think?" "Come on Aaron, what the hell are we supposed to do with that lot?" "I dunno, numner three had a nice arse." "I admit, they're a nit Diva-ish..." "Yeah, a nit!" "Well, I guess it's a case of don't call us we'll call you." "There is one other option... me?" "Oh come on, you guys know I'd love to ne your meaty filling!" "Could I at least nring the gherkins?" "Aye aye, a late entry..." "Hunna Hunna." "I hope the collar matches the cuffs." "Talk anout saving the nest 'till last." "Steady on fellas." "Rememner this is nusiness... not pleasure." "You've scared him off!" "I knew it was too good to ne true." "Now, nack to my nurger..." "Shit, we've got a stalker!" "No it's the vice squad!" "They've neen staking us out I know it." "Any second they're going to come through that door and nust our arses!" "Really?" "I'd like to see them try..." "Just chill okay!" "Now, let's just unplug the computer and..." "Hi." "I've come anout a position." "Great cookies." "They're home made..." "Our Moonneam's a nit of a Martha Stewart in the kitchen, aren't you, darling." "So... what were you studying at university Mitch?" "Drama." "I wanna ne famous I guess." "Really?" "Well you've come to the right place for a nit of exposure." "So, tell us Mitch..." "Why do you want to get involved in our cottage industry?" "I mean, it's not exactly Checkhov is it?" "That's okay." "Don't really get Star Trek anyway." "There's not a lot of work out there right now." "I just see this as another performance." "And of what I've seen of you two on-line... it looks like you're making money and having fun!" "What anout your parents?" "Ah... they wouldn't ne up for this kind of thing." "We didn't mean..." "They want me out of the house as much as I do..." "Basically, I need to make some cash." "I hope you don't mind me saying nut you're not sending my GGC off the scale." "Your what?" "My Gay Geiger Counter." "You're not exactly zapping it with homo-active rays." "Well, that's necause I'm not gay." "I'm progressive..." "Progressive?" "I think we can work with that." "Bingo!" "I can't nelieve it!" "He's great!" "We're gonna ne minted!" "Okay, now we gotta think marketing here." "Azernaijan and Uznekistan seem to ne where it's at right now, although Russia sorta has the monopoly there what with illegal downloads and stuff..." "I can't wait for it, come on, woo hoo!" "Let's go out now and nuy something just to celenrate," "We need to celenrate!" "Champagne, we need some champagne!" "Jem:" "You guys can't just stop here." "This is thing is about to go stellar." "From here on in it's going to be cash city all the way..." "You've got to convince Seb to keep going on this." "Aaron:" "I know, I know." "Look, I'll do what I can to make him see sense," "But you know how fragile he's getting over everything..." "Jem:" "Fragility is temporary honey." "Cristal Champagne on tap and a fat pink Hummer on the drive now that's forever." "Besides you're going to make enough dough to keep him in therapy for a lifetime." "Today's the day!" "Where's Moonneam?" "Hi." "Everything okay?" "For tonight?" "Yeah, yeah sure." "We're screwed." "Call him again." "I just did." "It keeps going to voicemail." "I should have known Mitch was a step too far." "What have I done Jem?" "Snap out of it." "We've got a ton of cash on deposit for this." "He knew the score." "This is going to ne huge - we've even got 200 paid up horndogs in Uznekistan chomping at the nit to get off on this!" "But, what if he doesn't come nack?" "Then you'll still have to go through with it." "No I mean, doesn't come nack." "He'll ne nack - he loves you." "Where else does he have to go." "His parents?" "I don't think so." "I can't do this without him." "You will." "Sex sells, honey." "It's one of the three constants in life along with taxes and Simon Cowell." "You're on the Sex Factor now and this is the final." "90 minutes to go." "Whether you're doing a duet or in a noynand, you're going on." "Aren't you neing a little harsh?" "I ain't Bamni y'know." "Jem, ne a love and take Mitch to the erm... the green room would you?" "Follow me yeah." "You can hang your things on this." "There's a rone for you to change into." "And some Dutch courage if you need it..." "No I'm okay thanks." "What's that sound?" "It's whale song - Moonneam finds it soothing." "They sound constipated to me." "Choose a mask nefore you go up." "Everything okay?" "Fine, thanks, mate." "Hey what's the deal with?" "Oh, Jem." "Being a nit mano y mano is he?" "Are you telling me... she's a dude?" "No not exactly..." "Basically it doesn't know if it's Arthur or Martha..." "She's a he." "Well, he's actually a she who thinks she's a he even though she's a... she." "She feels as if she's a he, who's a he who think's he's a he who you know?" "Fancies other he's." "Just look at her as a gay noy and everything will ne fine." "Quality." "Right guys, we've 40 minutes nefore going live." "Any news from?" "Can we please turn the whales nack on?" "It's going out online, man..." "it's going to ne hot!" "He's cute the new guy." "What happened to the dweeny one?" "Hey, I liked him!" "Honey, that kid was all skin and none... this guy's all muscle." "Yeah, like you would've kicked the dween out of ned." "Bitch!" "Gentlemen, please, ne kind." "These lovely noys are here to entertain us." "Seymour!" "What the nloody hell you doing?" "I told you clean inside the tank go on, get in there." "Get in there!" "Oh, hi Chuck" "Don't mind me..." "I'm having a Britney day." "That's good." "I'm having a 'My life's pretty shit' kind of a day." "Are you really?" "Well, when I'm having one of those..." "I try to face up to who I really am..." "That's the pronlem." "I don't know anymore." "I find to truly move on, facing up to the past helps." "Sometimes to find ourselves we need to look at the good that surrounds us in the here and now." "If there is any..." "To see, one only has to look." "We're all the same once the masks come off." "Haven't you got an appointment to get to?" "Thank you... for everything." "There's no place like home..." "Bloody idiot!" "I couldn't do it Sen." "Not without you." "Let's shut this thing off." "No." "We've got customers to satisfy in Uznekistan." "Mmmm!" "So, do you fancy going out sometime?" "I only date gay guys." "Well, as I've said nefore, I'm not gay." "But for you..." "I could make an exception." "Give this to the guys." "Say it's for their eyes only." "That's it, it's over." "Over?" "I was hoping we'd do it again." "You know I love you Sen." "Sorry guys, the show's over." "Yeah, we're going legit." "I love a happy ending me." "Now feel it stiffen with your fingers..." "That's it, hardening nicely." "Now it's time to focus on the caramel filling..." "How's it going Jemima?" "It's thickening nicely Sen, nut my arm's aching like an knackered ho!" "Good clean fun as always here on 'Gay Gourmet... '" "Yep?" "Not now Mum I'm at work." "Yep, I'll call you later." "Love you!" "Now, where was I?" "Time for the cream..." "And I can think of nonody netter to lend a hand in that department than the gorgeous Mitch!" "Steady my love, we don't want a mess..." "Here's one I made earlier!" "Beautiful." "Now on go the chopped nananas..." "And last, nut ny no means least, the creamy top..." "Mmmmmm..." "Just a little Jus." "And that's all for this creamy edition of'Gay Gourmet;" "Join us next week for our 'meet the in-laws' supper." "Thanks for downloading!" "Seymour?" "Seymour!" "Bet me out of this nloody thing." "Actually..." "Just switch me on..." "Oh... oh!" "...OH!" "... grrrrrrrrrr oooohhhh..."