"Deirdre!" "Now, I'm telling you, our pal is in trouble." "This lady can be fatal." "It's as if our lives are to be intermeshed, and there's nothing I can do about it." "You're falling in love." "I will!" "Higgins, are you up to something?" "I am." "She's in danger." "Nice doggies." "You wanna be friends?" "You're not frightening me, Deirdre." "I'm not trying to, sister darling." "Yes, you are." "You always are." "From as far back as I can remember." "Only this time, I won't let you." "Deirdre!" "You're insane." "Oh, that's your bag, little one, not mine." "Stop calling me that." "Being 15 minutes older than me doesn't give you the right to treat me like a child." "Who told you that, dear Dr. Bernard?" "I'll have to set him straight." "You stay away from Ted." "Would if I could." "Please, just this once, don't interfere." "Someone has to protect you." "You're very naive where men are concerned." "You tend to believe anything they whisper in your ear." "I love Ted, and I believe he loves me." "You see, you're already confusing love with lust." "I know the difference." "I don't think so." "Otherwise, the dear doctor would be sleeping with you instead of with me." "It happened at 0400." "From the middle of a deep, dreamless sleep," "I sat stark upright in bed with an overwhelming feeling of anticipation." "Someone was coming." "A woman." "I didn't know who or why." "All I could do was hope." "Michelle?" "No." "I'm sorry." "You're obviously expecting someone else." "It's okay." "Are you sure?" "If you're waiting for someone, I can come back another time." "No." "No, you're the one I was waiting for." "Pardon me?" "Well, I mean, I was sort of expecting someone else, but it's okay, Miss..." "Dupres." "Diane Dupres." "Thomas Magnum." "But then, you'd know that if you came here to see me, wouldn't you?" "Yes." "Would you like to talk in the shade?" "Oh, please." "T. C:" "What's a five-letter word for "deadly"?" "Women." "Come on." "Okay, woman, especially that one." "T. C:" "Looks like a class act to me." "That's what makes her deadly." "You know how Thomas falls for class acts." "Yeah, his last date was that lady mud wrassler from the swamp." "That was just a date." "This is the type that he gets in trouble with." "You know what the funniest part was, though?" "She stood behind that palm tree for, like, 30 minutes and just watched him." "Maybe she's a little nervous about hiring a private investigator." "I guess." "But she still gives me the willies." "Now, I'm telling you, our pal is in trouble." "This lady can be fatal." "Fatal?" "Hey, thanks!" "Sure." "What?" "I can't believe I'm doing this." "People who want to hire a private investigator usually feel a little foolish doing it." "They do?" "Mmm-hmm." "Well, obviously not if they're meeting you." "You have a very nice bedside manner." "I mean, you really make..." "You really put me at ease and doctors have to do the same thing." "God, I'm so embarrassed." "It's okay." "I do the same sort of thing all the time." "You do?" "Yeah." "Just ask my friends." "Still, what you must think." "I..." "I think you're a very attractive woman who is a bit nervous about hiring me." "Thanks, Rosine." "Still, I may not need you." "I may just be paranoid." "Well, people who think they may just be paranoid usually aren't." "Well, these things have been happening." "What things?" "Well, little things." "I feel as if I'm being followed and I hear footsteps, but I turn and no one's there." "What else?" "I think someone shot at me." "My family has a home up above Punchbowl, at the end of Old Pali Road." "The old Burger Estate?" "Yes." "You know it?" "Well, I know of it." "And someone shot at you there?" "Well, I was watching the sunset one evening, and a floodlight near me just shattered." "Well, the gardener said that that happens sometimes when the sprinklers are on, but I really feel that I heard a shot." "I come from a very wealthy family." "We own Dupres Fabrics." "Yeah, I've heard of the company." "Then perhaps you've heard of my twin sister and I." "We were kidnapped when we were five and ransomed for a million dollars." "Well, yeah, I vaguely recall hearing something about that." "I mean, it was a long time ago." "That must have been very traumatic for you." "I don't remember." "The doctors tell me I've blocked it out, but Deirdre remembers." "She's always been much better at coping than I." "Well, four months ago we had a rather nasty auto accident." "It's a miracle either of us survived." "We were having a row over..." "Well, it was all my fault, and when I was released from the hospital," "I just didn't want to deal with Deirdre's accusations, so I flew out here for a while to get some sun and put some perspective in my life." "That's when those things began to happen." "Oh." "I've kept a diary." "Ever since the kidnapping, Daddy made us write down anything that was even remotely suspicious during the day." "You'll find everything I've done on the island in there." "Why'd you come to me?" "Well, you're a private investigator." "Yeah, I know." "There are 37 private investigators in the Honolulu phone book." "Why me?" "You're right." "I looked through the phone book and I just didn't know who to call." "And then I saw your name and I just felt you were meant to help me." "Excuse me." "T. C:" "Has she set the hook or is she still trolling?" "Lxnay, ixnay." "Amazing." "L-X-N-A-Y." "Lxnay." "You are in big, big trouble." "What?" "Orville here seems to think you're falling madly in love." "Don't be silly." "She is interesting, though." "I knew it." "Knew what?" "That Thomas has fallen in love." "Wonderful." "Don't pay any attention..." "What did you say?" "I said wonderful." "Perhaps you can invite the young lady over for tea some afternoon." "I'd like to make her acquaintance." "She must be quite special." "Are you all right, Higgie baby?" "Fit as a fiddle, as Nero said." "You been drinking, Higgins?" "No, but it's a capital idea." "In fact, I'd like to buy all of you a drink." "Rosine." "Okay." "Higgins, are you up to something?" "Well, as a matter of fact, I am." "Aha." "I have decided to marry." "Agatha finally got to you?" "Agatha?" "Oh, good heavens, no." "I'm betrothed to Lady Ashley." "Who?" "Lady Ashley." "Surely you chaps have heard me speak of her." "We were engaged when I shipped off to North Africa with Monty." "Well, I was gone a long time." "Four years, actually." "And when I returned, she had married Lord Ashley." "She's the one built like the Prince Albert Memorial." "Magnum, please, we're speaking of my future wife." "Well, what happened to Lord Ashley?" "A bit of underdone potato." "He choked to death." "Actually, I suppose it was to be expected." "He always did wolf his food down like a cretin." "Anyway, when I heard, I wrote to Lady Ashley at once to console her." "One letter led to another, I proposed, and she accepted." "Well, that's great." "Just great." "Yeah, that is great." "That calls for a bachelor party." "Well, that's terribly thoughtful of you, Rick." "A bachelor dinner would be quite delightful." "Good food, a nice claret, just you chaps and the lads, of course." "That ain't the kind of party I had in mind." "Higgins, let me be the first to propose a toast." "T. C:" "Hey, hear, hear." "What is it, Magnum?" "She's in danger." "Don't move till I tell you." "I'm gonna distract them and when I say, "Now,"" "you just edge slowly towards the door." "Hi, guys." "Here, doggies." "Now." "Hi, dogs." "Hey, come on." "No, you wouldn't like me." "Just ask Zeus and Apollo." "Can you hurry up just a little bit, please?" "I'm in." "Nice doggies." "Wanna be friends?" "This is nothing." "I was hunting up in Utah, must've been '68, '69." "A pack of wild dogs brought down a deer hunter." "His right leg was nearly chewed off at the knee." "But that wasn't the worst part." "Doc." "Huh?" "Could we change the subject?" "Oh, yeah." "Sure." "You're gonna have to stay out of the water for a while." "Of course." "I don't want you to get a staph infection." "I had a kid once who got so infected his leg swelled up to the size of a ripe melon." "I had to take a probe, you know, and..." "Doc!" "Huh?" "Just a few more of these and the worst will be over until tomorrow." "Tomorrow?" "It won't really hurt until then." "It hurts like hell now." "Wait until tomorrow." "I wasn't sure of the sizes." "I'm just gonna wait outside." "Funny, isn't it, how squeamish women can be about a few stitches?" "You say she shot both dogs?" "Saved my life." "Doesn't seem the type." "According to the police, the dogs attacked a couple less than a mile from Diane's earlier in the day." "The attack on us appeared to be nothing more than being in the wrong place at the wrong time." "But something strange was happening, something I couldn't explain." "You handled that.38 like a pro today." "Father made us take shooting lessons as we grew up." "I haven't fired a gun in years." "I never really was much of a marksman." "Deirdre was always the crack shot." "Not today." "Well, to my latent talents." "Pardon?" "Shooting the gun." "Oh." "Do you really think that attack today was an accident?" "Probably." "Maybe I am paranoid." "Look, no offense, but kidnapped at five, a father who makes you take shooting lessons and keep a daily diary of suspicious persons." "Well, I'd say it'd be amazing if you and your sister weren't paranoid." "Deirdre's not paranoid." "Tell me more about her." "What do you want to know?" "Well, have things been happening to her?" "I haven't spoken to Deirdre since I left the hospital." "Is that usual?" "We may be identical twins, but we're not alike." "We never dressed alike, thought alike or felt alike." "Deirdre smokes, I don't." "She's left-handed, I'm right." "She's aggressive, outgoing." "Sexy." "Well, being sexy isn't everything." "Well, not that you're not sexy." "I mean, I personally find you very sexy, but not in an overt way, just..." "You sure know how to put your foot in it like I do." "I told you." "Look," "I will read your diary tonight and I'll call you in the morning." "Breakfast at the club?" "I'd like that." "You know how to reach me if you need me?" "Yes." "Diane." "I knew you were coming today." "What?" "I woke up in the middle of the night feeling that someone important was about to enter my life." "I think it's you." "I just had to tell you that." "Good night." "Rule number one in the Private Investigator's Manual." "Never get involved with female clients." "Rule number two." "Never break rule number one." "I was about to shatter both, and to be honest, I couldn't have cared less." "Higgins, I'm in trouble." "Admitting one is mentally disturbed is the first step toward recovery." "Good God, what happened?" "I was attacked by a pair of dogs." "Not the lads?" "Not this time." "Hi, guys." "Does this have something to do with your bizarre behavior at the club this afternoon?" "Higgins, I knew Diane was in trouble." "Diane?" "Oh, I'm sorry." "She's a client." "Well, actually she's more than just a client." "An old friend?" "No, I just met her today." "Higgins, I woke up this morning sensing a woman was going to dramatically affect my life, and then I met Diane." "Forgive me, Magnum, but you are always meeting women who seem to dramatically affect your life." "You apparently hold some attraction for them that I can't quite fathom, other than the obvious primitive, animalistic..." "Higgins, I ran out of the club because I suddenly felt she was in danger." "So I drove to her house, and there she was, about to be attacked by a couple of rottweilers." "Rotts can be bloody vicious." "I feel like John Garfield, Higgins." "You know, in some kind of '40s movie." "It's as if our lives are to be intermeshed, and there's nothing I can do about it." "You're falling in love." "I just met her." "Well, it happens that way sometimes if you're lucky." "I'll never forget the day I met Elizabeth." "Lady Ashley." "She's very pretty." "Yes, quite." "The regiment had been posted to London that year, and even though I was only a corporal," "I had a magnificent jumper named Wellington." "Sixteen hands high, black as Manchester coal." "One morning I was working him in Hyde Park when a runaway mare came charging out of Kensington Gardens." "I managed to stop her by the reflecting pond." "You know, where the geese usually gather." "No." "Well, it doesn't matter." "The point is that when I reined in the mare and got my first look at Elizabeth," "I swear to you, Magnum, that I knew that someday she'd be my wife." "Higgins, you're a romantic." "Yes, I suppose I am." "But so are you, which is why you shouldn't be shocked that you're falling in love with someone you've just met." "I am not in love with her," "but I'm afraid I could be." "Why is that so terrifying?" "Something tells me it'll end up like Michelle." "Ah." "Now we come to the crux of it." "You're afraid of falling in love with her because someday you might lose her." "One Michelle in a lifetime is enough." "But what if Diane is not another Michelle?" "What if she is?" "Magnum, it's a terribly old cliché, but it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." "No, it's not." "I could always count on Doc Ibold's medical opinions being pretty close to right on the nose." "Damn it." "It took me half an hour just to make it to the tidal pool, another half before the saltwater began to ease the pain." "I know, I was supposed to stay out of the water, but I've always been able to think clearly when swimming, and right now, that was more important to me than any risk of infection." "I had to decide if I was going to walk away from Diane before it was too late, before the curve of her neck or the look in her eyes hooked me." "And then I realized it was already too late." "She'd stirred feelings I thought were dead and gone forever." "There's only one thing you can do when that happens." "T.C. ON HEADSET:" "Go for it." "That's my motto." "That's what chopper flying is all about." "Getting down and dirty." "Or, in this case, the water." "T.C.?" "Yo." "Can you take it up a bit?" "Oh!" "Yeah." "Sure." "View's better from higher up anyway." "I didn't mean to spoil your fun." "What fun?" "I was terrified." "Sure you were." "I was." "Flying that low terrifies me." "Right, T.C.?" "Boy's a flying chicken." "Drop below 50 feet and he white-knuckles." "I've seen babies in diapers and old ladies in bifocals less afraid than he is." "In fact, when we were back in Vietnam, we had to blindfold him when we were going on the deck." "In fact, one time outside of Da Nang when we were flying low..." "T.C., I don't think she's buying it." "Yes, she is." "Look." "How'd he get way out there?" "T. C:" "Walked." "He's a fisherman." "He knows those coral paths the same way a farmer knows the mountain trails." "I thought the locals on this side of the island were all fishermen." "Nah." "See that road over there?" "An old kahuna told me once that that determines who or what you are." "He said that if you lived on the makai or ocean side, you were a fisherman." "But if you were on the mauka or mountain side, you were a farmer." "Your work, social status, how you think and act would all be determined by which side of that road you lived on." "I sure wish we could all have roads like that." "Why would you want one?" "To know who I was and what I had to do." "Thank you very much." "Yoo-hoo!" "Jonathan!" "Good morning, Agatha." "What a wonderful idea." "Leis for the finalists." "Finalists?" "In the piano competition, honoring Queen Victoria's birthday." "Today at 10:00." "Good Lord, Agatha, it completely slipped my mind." "Are you feeling quite all right?" "Well, I suppose I have been a bit absent-minded lately." "You see, I've made a rather momentous decision." "Yes?" "Agatha, I've reached a point in my life where..." "Well, let's face it, I thought I was to die a confirmed bachelor." "I know." "But I won't." "I've concluded that love only smiles on us once or twice in our lifetime, and that we have to go for the brass ring, so to speak." "Oh, Jonathan..." "Agatha, I have decided to marry." "I will!" "What?" "Oh, Jonathan, you've made me so happy." "I must phone Mother and tell the girls." "Jonathan, I love you." "Oh, my God." "Lady Ashley, how delightful to see you." "Did you have a pleasant flight?" "No, no, no." "Too ordinary." "Lady Ashley, you look positively smashing." "Especially for a woman your age." "Good God, no." "Lady Ashley, even these orchids pale beside your beauty." "Yes, quite good." "Agatha would approve." "Agatha." "How could she put me in this position?" "WOMAN ON P.A. SYSTEM:" "Flight 119 from New York is now arriving at Gate 7." "The way she poured my tea, it was quite disgraceful." "Yes, well, I dare say the airlines have as much difficulty finding decent help today as we do, Lizzie." "One would think an English girl would know better." "Yes." "Quite." "Aloha." "What, no lei?" "Where's my New York hot dog?" "I guess it's with my lei." "I hope you enjoyed your flight." "Wouldn't want to be the bird he's dating tonight." "Bye-bye." "Thank you." "Bye." "Bye." "I don't think I'll need the raincoat." "I hope Your Grace had an enjoyable flight." "Yes, I'm sure you do." "Thank you." "God, the English can be pompous asses." "Bye-bye." "Bye." "Bye." "Well, Jonathan?" "Aren't you going to say aloha or some other quaint island expression?" "Of course." "Aloha." "Lady Agatha, even these orchids pale beside your beauty." "Lady Agatha?" "Pardon?" "You called Her Grace "Lady Agatha."" "I know it's been rather a long time, Jonathan, but I had hoped you'd recall my name." "But of course I do." "Who is Lady Agatha?" "No one." "I mean, of course she's someone, but not of importance." "It was just a silly slip of the tongue." "Lady Agatha isn't even a lady." "Well, of course she is a lady, but not of the peerage." "She's just a friend." "An associate." "A fellow British subject loyal to the Queen." "Well, I suppose out here in the colonies one must socialize beneath one's station." "Excuse me, but we haven't been properly introduced." "I'm so sorry, Jonathan." "I thought you knew David Billingsworth." "An old friend." "How do you do?" "How do you do?" "And my solicitor." "Solicitor?" "Here to draw up the deed poll, old boy." "Whose deed poll?" "Yours." "Ceding your title, Lord Perth." "Why on earth would I do that?" "Well, surely, Jonathan, you don't expect me to give up being" "Duchess of Ashley to become Lady Perth, do you?" "You're only a lord." "Winnie was a duke." "Don't worry, Jonathan." "You'll simply become Lord Higgins-Ashley." "Breathtaking!" "Yeah." "I like flying off Waikiki at the end of the day." "Sure beats the sunset cruises." "Cheaper, too." "I had a wonderful day." "Thank you, Thomas." "Well, rule number three in the Private Investigator's handbook is always see the client has a nice day." "Oh." "Well, I didn't mean this was all work." "Oh, no." "I understand." "I just forgot for a moment that you were doing a job." "Well, I wasn't doing a job." "Well, I mean, I was doing my job." "I mean..." "Well, that doesn't mean I didn't enjoy it." "You know what I mean?" "Well..." "Thank you again for a wonderful day, for whatever the reason." "You're welcome." "Uh..." "I didn't get a chance to read your diary last night." "Okay." "But I'll read it tonight and then I'll call you in the morning." "Okay." "And maybe we could discuss any questions I might have over breakfast." "That sounds fine." "Then, maybe we should spend tomorrow together, checking clues." "Checking clues?" "Something like that." "Thomas, how much of today was just doing your job?" "None of it." "I hadn't realized it until I left Diane, but I was so sore and exhausted," "I could barely drive home." "All I wanted to do was drop my body into bed for eight hours, but it wasn't to be." "Higgins." "What are you doing sitting alone in the dark?" "Magnum, I need your advice." "My advice?" "I hate to admit this, but you are a man of the world when it comes to understanding females." "Well, yeah." "I do have a certain experience in the area." "What's the problem?" "Everything." "It all began when Agatha showed up at the estate this afternoon." "You told her you were gonna marry the Prince Albert..." "Lady Ashley." "Not exactly." "You didn't tell her?" "I told her I decided to marry and..." "And?" "Agatha thinks I'm going to marry her." "Now, Higgins, how could Agatha think such a thing?" "Because she's a bloody woman." "I told her I'd decided to marry." "She said, "I will," and drove off before I could say another word." "What am I to do?" "Well," "I think you're just gonna have to tell her the truth." "I can't." "She was so happy." "Magnum, it will break her heart." "Well, then I think you have to marry Agatha and jilt the Lady Ashley." "Higgins, it was a joke." "She wants me to give up my title and become Lord Higgins-Ashley." "You?" "A lord?" "I'm already a lord, Magnum." "The Baron of Perth." "She wants me to deed-poll my title because the duke's title is more prestigious in the peerage." "But I won't do it." "Your phone is ringing." "No, that can wait." "You're a lord?" "How come you never told me?" "I've had my reasons." "I'm the second son of the Duke of Perth." "If you're a lord, then how come you weren't an officer in the army?" "One is a matter of birth." "The other is a matter of choice." "Robin Masters' estate." "Just a moment." "It's Diane Dupres." "Diane?" "Thomas, I think I killed someone." "I'll check the back." "Diane?" "It's me." "It's all right." "It's all right." "Come here." "Come on." "It's all right." "It's over." "I turned after closing the door, and he was standing there." "And then" "I can't remember." "Come on." "Try." "What did he look like?" "He was tall." "Not as tall as you." "He had a mustache, or a beard." "I can't be sure." "Was he Hawaiian, haole, Asian?" "I don't know." "Did he hurt you?" "No." "Do you remember getting the gun?" "No." "Firing it?" "No, I can't remember." "I killed him, didn't I?" "Look." "Come on." "Whatever you did, you did it to defend yourself." "I can't find any signs of blood, tracks or bullet holes." "However, I did find these baggage stubs outside the door there." "Yours?" "No." "I came in on another airline." "Well, perhaps the police can use them to track the culprit down." "Must we notify the police?" "Diane, somebody broke in here and attacked you." "But I can't even remember what he looked like." "Please, Thomas, I don't want the publicity." "That's why I came to you for help instead of the police." "I've been through this since I was five." "The publicity just brings out the crazies." "The letters, begging me for money, the dreams foretelling my future," "the offers of matrimony." "Thomas, please don't make me go through that," "especially when they won't do anything that you can't." "She has a point." "We can't even prove anyone broke in here tonight." "They'll simply file the report away, but the media will play it up because of Miss Dupres' wealth." "I'm not gonna let you stay here alone." "Then stay with me." "Well, it's almost 1:00 and I still have things to do." "If you don't mind, Magnum, I'll take Mr. Masters' Ferrari and have one of the boys drop it off in the morning." "That'd be fine, Higgins." "Miss Dupres, I'm quite sure your shot did nothing more than give the blighter a well-deserved fright." "I hope not." "Yes." "Well, good night." "Good night, Mr. Higgins." "I'll walk you out." "She is frightfully attractive, in a vulnerable sort of way." "I can see why you're drawn to her." "Look, old boy, I couldn't find a trace of forced entry or any tracks around the house." "Considering why Diane hired you, you think it possible that she imagined all this?" "I don't know." "You look a bit bashed in." "I suggest a hot bath and toddy." "You don't look so hot yourself." "I'm fine." "You're going to Agatha's, aren't you?" "It has to be done." "Look, maybe I could talk to her for you." "That's very decent of you, Magnum." "But as Winston Churchill said," ""A man must do what a man must do."" "That's funny, I thought John Wayne said that." "If he did, he got it from Winnie." "Good night, Magnum." "Good night, Higgins." "I couldn't shake Higgins' suggestion that there might not have been an intruder, that the whole episode could have happened in Diane's mind." "It would explain why I hadn't sensed anything while we were kissing at the front door." "I'd sensed Diane was coming, that she was in trouble when the dogs attacked." "Why didn't I sense the danger when her assailant was only a few feet from me?"