"[Rock On Radio ]" "[Man Over Police Radio, Indistinct ]" "Eric!" "Eric!" "Donna, this is a tricky maneuver, okay?" "." "I need quiet." "Oh, my God!" "It's the cops!" "Eric, we're completely naked!" "I know." "Don't panic." " I, uh" " I have a plan." " Okay." "[ Clears Throat ]" "Go away!" "That's the plan?" "." "That's not a good plan!" "Yeah." "No, that's the plan." "I mean, we're totally naked." "I think he'll probably just go away." "Crap." "Haveyou seen my pants?" "." " Whereyou going?" "." " Out." " Where?" "." " A place." "Who with?" "." "Doctors and stockbrokers." "[Doorbell Rings ]" "Oh, holy hell." "Hangin'out" "Downthestreet" "Thesameoldthing" "Wedidlastweek" "Nota thingto do" "Buttalkto you" "We'reallallright" "We'reallallright" "Hello, Wisconsin!" "And-And-And the heater is broken i n the Vista Cruiser." "That's why it was so hot." "So, you know, naturally... we removed one or two articles of clothing... which, you know, in retrospect was probably not that good an idea." "Eric, how stupid do you think I am?" "." "You're right." "Should've cracked a window." "Good thinking." "Eric, we know what you were doing in the car." "No." " We don't know." " Trust me, we know." "No, no." "We don't know." "I know!" "I know!" "Of course you know." "You majored in it." " What were you thinking?" "." " Mr. Forman?" "." "Uh, it was my idea too." "So, um, please stop yelling at Eric because" "What?" "." "Just play dead and coveryour face." "No, Eric, it's okay." "[ Clears Throat ]" "What we did was a choice that we made-- a choice we made as adults." "Oh, really?" "." " You're an adult?" "." " Don't answer." "It's a trap." "Yes, we're adults." "Okay, Donna." "Then as an adult..." "I expectyou to go next door and tell Bob and Midge just exactlywhat happened tonight." "Okay." "I'll tell them." "Good." "And I'm gonna check to see thatyou did." "Oh, come on!" "Whywould you do that?" "." "Donna, I won't keep something like this from your parents." "They thinkwe're friends." " Hey, cool, man." "A C.B. radio." " Yeah." "So I narrowed down my potential C.B. handles to two choices-- either Stud Kickass or Flex Buffchest." "Gee, Kelso, what about Beef Dingleberry?" "." "Oh, great." "Now I got three choices." "[Woman Over C.B. ] Breaker 1-9, breaker 1-9." "This is Hot to Trot." " [ Woman #2 ] Foxy Lady." " [ Woman #3 ]And Nice and Easy." "Oh, my God." "They sound nice." "And easy." "Quick!" "Come on." "We need-- We need handles so we can talk to 'em." "Okay, uh, uh-- Oh!" "Oh!" " We'll be the Mod Squad." " That's perfect." "I'm Link." " I'm Link." " Why doyou get to be Link?" "." "The magic 'fro, baby." "Okay." "Well, I got dibs on Pete." "Okay, then, what is my macho cop handle?" "." "[ Together] Julie." "Breaker 1 -9, breaker 1 -9." "This is Pete." " I'm Link." " And Julie." "It is so nice to talk toyou, my lovelies." "[Hot to Trot] Hey,Julie, coolaccent." "Yousoundsexy." "Accent?" "." "What the hell is she talking about?" "." " Somethin' on your mind?" "." " Yeah." "There's something important I wanna tell you guys." "Eric and I have been going out for a while now... and we did something you two should know about." "Yes?" "." "Well, see, Eric and I, uh... we, um-- we... rode the Formans' motorcycle." "[ Sighs ] There, I said it." "Weight is just off my shoulders." "Donna, that was wrong." "But not as wrong as it could've been, 'cause it could've been" "Sex!" "That's what I thought too!" "What?" "." "No!" "That's crazy." "That's-That's silly." "You guys are silly gooses." "You make me laugh, 'causeyou're silly." "So the cops caughtyou doing it?" "." "Oh, my God." "That is such a turn-on!" "That is not a turn-on." "You're a little pervert." "Jackie, I have a big problem." "How am I gonna tell my parents?" "." "Okay." "Ifyou need to use the bathroom you should go now, 'cause I have a lot to say." "No, I'm fine, thanks." "Okay." "Your first mistake... was wearing pants for car sex." "When you do it in the car, skirts areyour best friend." "Zip, zip, bim, bam." "You're done, you're dressed, you're back at the mall." "Jackie, I'm screwed." "Ifl tell my parents, only one oftwo things could happen." "They'll either be furious, or they'll ask me how it was." "[ Cooing ]" "Okay, now, have some peas." "I'd rather have sex with Donna." "Mmm!" "Tapioca!" "Mmm!" "Sex with Donna!" "Well, you-- you are just so cute." "[ Chuckling ] Say "Ma-ma."" "Sex with Don-na." " No, baby, no." " Yes!" " No!" " Yes!" " No!" " No" " Yes!" "No!" "No!" "No!" "Kitty." "Slut!" "What?" "." " Nothing." " Are you okay?" "." "I'm fine." "Kitty, when it's 3:00 on a Saturday afternoon... and you're still in bed, I know something's wrong." "Oh, Red, I'm fine." "Why should I care that my-my sweet, baby boy... was defiled by some jiggly, red-haired tramp?" "." "Kitty." "What I can't figure out is how she tricked him into it." "Look, it's not like we didn't know this was coming." "You're always showing Eric anatomical diagrams and charts and slides." "You've been prepping him since hewas six." "Areyou blaming me?" "." "No, no." "Heck no." "It's my fault." "Men are dirty." "It's" " Well, good." " Kitty, I just wantyou to get out ofbed." "You know, none of us have had lunch... and, uh, we're kind ofhungry." "Well, it's a house full of grown men... and I would think that one ofyou fully grown men... would know how to make a damn sandwich!" " Well, maybe I should go" " I sure as hell would!" "And when Bob and Midge look at me with their big, dumb eyes..." "I just-- I can't find the words." "Okay, Donna, I've given this a lot ofthought... and I think I should be the one to tell your parents we had sex." "Oh, my God." "Eric, that is so great." "Thankyou." "What?" "." "No." "No!" "What?" "." "No!" "It was" " It was a bluff." "I was bluffing to seem nice." "Oh, crap, this is a nightmare." " Fine." "I'll do it myself." " What" " No, wait." "Look." "We told my parents together... so, hey, let's tell your parents together." "Thankyou." "So, doyou wanna go get it overwith?" "." "Yeah." "Let's go tell your parents." " Okay." " Okay." "Donna, I wanna go with you, but my legs have gone numb." "Breaker 1 -9, breaker 1 -9." "This is Pete, Link and Julie." "We're lookin' for a 20 on Hot to Trot, Foxy Lady and Nice and Easy." " Over." " [ Hot to Trot ] Hey, guys!" "[ Clears Throat ] Hello, Hot to Trot." "This is Julie." "I was just wondering, areyou fat?" "." " Whoa, Fez!" " No, actually, that's not a bad question." "Well, why don'tyou guys come see foryourselves?" "." "We can meet tonight." "Oh, tonight?" "." "No, tonight we have to watch Love Boat, so I don't think" "As soon as I heard you were down, Mrs. Forman..." "I had to come and seeyou... because I know the blues." "But, you know, the good news is Donna's on the pill... so they can do it, like... a zillion times a day, and nothing bad can happen." "Yep." "They could just do it and do it and do it and do it and do it." "Jackie." "Good." "You're here." "Get out." "But I'm trying to help." "Oh, you wanna help?" "." "Go make me a sandwich." "So, Kitty... think maybe, uh, it's time to get up?" "." " No." " Okay." "You know what?" "." "Kitty, you gotta shape up." "I can't believe that you're all surprised... that your 1 7-year-old is doing what 1 7-year-olds do." "Big deal!" "Now get the hell outta bed and buck up!" " Oh, geez, honey." "I'm sorry." " Get out!" "So, what do you kids need to tell us?" "." "I tried to guess, but my mind's a total blank." "Actually, Mrs. Pinciotti, Mr. Pinciotti... it's something I need to tell you." "Sorry." "I almost threw up." "I'm fine now." "You both know how much I respectyour daughter, how much I loveyour daughter." "And, uh... funny thing about love-- ha-ha, funny" "is, uh, sometimes... we express it in a-- in a physical way." "You better not say what I thinkyou're gonna say... 'cause I'll be mad." "And funny thing about mad-- ha-ha-- is sometimes I express it in a physical way." "I loveyour daughter, and I totally respect her." "And I never stopped respecting her... even when the cops came." "Well, I'm sorry, Eric, but I still gotta twist your neck shut." "Dad, you know, you shouldn't be threatening Eric." "You should be, uh, thanking him." " What?" "." " What?" "." "Wow!" "He's treated me like a queen since the daywe started dating." "Eric and I have sex." "There." "You know." "At least I have a nice boyfriend and not some juvenile delinquent." "Like that Fonzie." "Well, that-- that's nice." "And at least Eric had the guts to come over here and tell you man to man." "Well, I'm happy foryou." "And thankyou for being honest." "That took a lot of courage." "Didn't it, Bob?" "." "I'm goin' to bed." "[ Clears Throat ] So, how was it?" "." "Oh, God." "Boy, oh, boy." "I tell ya, Eric." "You take the cake." "Oh, man, there's cake?" "." "There's no cake." "We're all starving to death, and it's all your fault." "You broke your mother's heart." "She's up there crying about howyou're all grown up... and you don't need her anymore." "But that-- that's not true." "Oh, I know that." "You're a helpless idiot." "Huh." "Okay." "Uh, I could pretend I need help with my homework." "Oh, no." "No one gives a crap about that." " Okay." "Oh!" "I could pretend to be sick." " No, that" "Wait a minute." "That might work." "She mothered the heck out ofyou when you broke your leg that time." "Right." "I could say I have a fever." "Or, betteryet, we could go out to the garage..." "I hit you in the elbow with a baseball bat." "I'm gonna stick with the fever." "You wanna go through life doing everything half-assed, that's your decision, Son." " [Rock]" " Okay." "They said they'd wait out front." "Here we go." "Cold beer and hot babes." "Orvice versa." "Hey, guys, did we get a "yes" or a "no" on the fat question?" "." "[ Whispering ]" "Oh, goody." "They're not fat." "They're just old." "Ifyourvoice is hot, then you should be hot." "Those are the rules!" "Damn old ladies with hot voices." " Let's go." " No, no, no." "I'm staying." " You two are shallow." " I'm not shallow, Fez." "I just judge chicks on their looks." "Suityourself." "But sometimes, the old ones... are super grateful." "Yeah." "Okay, Fez." "But ifyou wind up in some car feeling up June Cleaver, don't come crying to me." "Yeah!" "Hello, my lovelies." "I am Julie." "Which one ofyou is Hot toTrot?" "." " Julie?" " Yes?" "." " Hey!" "You made it." "I'm Hot to Trot." " I'm Foxy Lady." "And I'm Nice and Easy." "You're not fat..." "or old at all." "Of course not." "We're gymnasts." "Dear Penthouse" "[ Coughing ]" "I'm really sick..." "Mommy." "And I don't have anyone to take care of me." "Well, you do feel a little warm." "Right, 'cause I'm sick." "Oryou stuck a hot towel on your head, Eric." "Fine, I'm not sick." "I just" " I didn't wantyou to be mad anymore, Mom." "Oh, honey, I'm not mad." "I'm just horribly, horribly depressed." "Look, Mom..." "I'm not all grown up, and I do still need you for stuff." " Oh, you do not." " Sure, I do." "Really?" "." "Forwhat?" "." "List it." "I need you to love me." "I need you to" "I really need you to get out ofbed because Dad's been making my life extra miserable." "Well, okay." "That one I buy." " So, are we okay now?" "." " Oh, honey." "No." "Well, I'm sorry." "I just-- I don't like you growing up... and I don't like it and I'm not gonna." "But I-I guess... it's just something I'm gonna have to get used to." "You know what, Mom?" "." "I'm always gonna need you... because chances are..." "Dad's gonna be riding my ass for the rest of my life." "Yeah." "You really do rub him the wrong way, honey." "Howyou doin'?" "." "That's a-- That's a really nice robe." "Uh, is that real velour?" "." "Hey, those gas prices are, like, aah!" "Right?" "." "It's a shame about Elvis." "Too soon." "So... young."