"My first sexual experience was with a gal from LaLolla... that I rode on the bus down to San Francisco." "And we checked into a San Francisco hotel, and..." "Anyway, she had a friend." "And herfriend came up, and..." "So, anyway, we had a real orgy." "Acouple fellows came." "That's about all I can say." "My husband had a huge cock." "And the first time that I felt it on our wedding night... really, I was in ecstasy." "I just felt like a flock of birds was flying under my ass." "Everyone remembers their first time." "Unless, of course, you never had one." "My name is Eddie Macsalka, and I'm a 21-year-old virgin." "Hey, it's not by choice." "I'm ready to have sex right now." "The only thing missing is a girl who feels the same way." "I would never sleep with a virgin... unless I was a virgin maybe." "But, I'm not." "Eddie seems like he is very shy." "He doesn't like to talk to girls." "And... he doesn't have the game." "He wouldn't like to hearthis, but he's more of a friend person." "Friend person?" "Wait a second." "What about that guy?" "That's my best friend Hans." "He's got back hair, man boobs... and an uncircumcised penis, and even he's been laid." "That's one hell of a pina colada." "I don't know what my problem is." "It's not like I haven't tried." "I know you said you're dating someone, but..." "do you want to go out to dinner?" "Sounds good." "So, what is your number?" "720-11..." "The number you have reached is not in service." "This is a..." "Kyle." "Yeah." "I think she gave me a wrong number." "That's it." "I've had it." "I'm tired of being the only virgin." "I'm tired of everyone making fun of me." "And I'm really tired of whacking off." "Good Lord." "But that's all about to change." "The guys have gotten together..." "Johnny, Kyle..." "Bryan, Matt..." "Ghertner and Hans." "They're taking me to the one place where even I have a chance." "Mexico." "We're on a quest." "A quest to get me laid." "All right, guys, listen up." "We're gonna get Eddie laid in Cabo." "What counts is gettin'laid." "Any orifice penetration." "Anal sex?" "Anal sex isn't sex." "So, it wouldn't count." "Anal sex has to be sex." "It's not." "You meet a girl And she is virgin, 'kay?" "You poke her in the butt." "Now she's fucking not a virgin?" "She's still a virgin." "Yes!" "That's why anal sex isn't sex." "Bryan, anal sex..." "is it sex?" "No." "lf you're a..." "See?" "Kyle?" "No." "Is anal sex sex?" "No." "Matty?" "It has the word "sex"." "It's sex." "Yes, thank you." "So, oral sex is sex?" "No way." "Oral sex is not sex." "Ghertner's no." "Johnny "Kansas"." "Anal sex is sex, Johnny says." "Hans?" "It involves a humping motion into somebody's behind." "It's sex." "So, majority rules." "Anal sex is sex." "Right, we're doing shots." "Here's to Cabo and hittin' chicks in pooper." "Hittin' chicks in the pooper and gettin' Eddie laid." "Cheers." "Yeah, all right." "How do you not knowthat you need a birth certificate to go to Mexico?" "I'm pissed off too, but how was I supposed to know?" "." "All right." "Let's get out of here." "We were all takin' bets the other night when we were out... on what kind of chick you're gonna lose your virginity to." "So, I want to hear what you think." "I thought she was gonna be, like, uh, sort of slutty hot." "Not like slutty slutty, but, like, slutty hot." "You know what I mean?" "That's what I thought." "I think she'll be cute." "I'm notjust gonna pick some random girljust because she..." "Well, maybe I will." "I don't know." "We should take bets on how long you'll last." "Oh, I'll be under a minute." "Hello." "You're leaving me." "I'll only think about you the whole time." "You know it." "I always do." "You're my baby." "You probably just want me calling as much as possible, whenever I can." "Okay." "I may have a life while you're gone." "I don't know." "Hopefully, I won't be sitting by the phone all day long." "I'll be upset if you don't call..." "I'll call." "I know you will." "Beautiful Penrose, Colorado." "Population, 38." "Where's Mama Mac?" "She should run out with pies." "Go, "Eddie!" "Eddie!"" "Eddie!" "Hi." "Hi." "How are you?" "Good." "How are you?" "Good." "You doin' all right?" "Good." "Do you have my birth certificate?" "Yeah, let me get it foryou." "I wish you hadn't have forgotten this." "I got a buddy, he's a virgin." "What do you got for him?" "Somethin' good for a first-timer?" "Ooh, that's a hard one." "I have cock rings." "It helps him last longer... increases size." "From a woman perspective, which is what I love." "Well, let's get him the best lube forthe occasion." "That's my pick." "Eros is the best." "I'm thinkin' maybe a little crazierthough." "Crazier?" "Gotta have one of those." "No shit." "The swing." "This is funckin' sweet." "Do you have, like, a shopping cart?" "What are you guys gonna do for spring break?" "We'rejust going down to Cabo." "To Cabo?" "For what?" "What do you mean, for what?" "For a party." "For partying." "A lot of things you don't want to know about." "We're gonna go down to have fun." "He's gonna make you proud." "Yes, mom." "Obviously." "We'll be all right, mama." "He'll make you proud." "Okay." "We're gonna be doin' the bad stuff." "Yeah." "It's a good thing you're not my mom." "I love ya." "Whateveryou do, use protection." "Oh, okay." "Thank you, mom." "Have a great time." "Be very careful." "I will, thanks, mom." "Pick me up, we'll take a ride" "I'll get my things And wait outside" "And we can go away" "Bye, mom." "Let's go far away" "We're on our way" "We're just little lost" "We might be late" "But I know we'll get there" "We're on our way This timewe'll take it on" "You and I on A one-way trip to somewhere" "All right, boys." "Let's funckin' rock and roll to Mexico." "Holy!" "Oh, you hit that car." "Oh, shit." "Youjust hit Bryan's car." "Oh, shit." "That was Bryan's car." "Fuck." "Is he comin' out here?" "Bry..." "It's funckin' ass-cold outr here." "I'm sorry, brother." "Did you do that?" "Yeah." "Pullin' in to get you guys, I fuckin'... cut a little close or something." "This time don't wait up for me" "We can't turn back -1, 2." "Move it or lose it." "Let's go." "All right, kids, you ready to rock and roll?" "572?" "We're goin' this way." "Oh, nelly." "Let's see what it is." "Holy shit." "Look at our deck." "No way." "Look at this shit." "Jesus Christ!" "Are you kiddin' me with this shit?" "No fuckin' way!" "Look at this view." "Come here." "Oh, God bless you, Cabo San Lucas." "God bless you, Cabo San Lucas." "Holy shit!" "There were hot girls everywhere." "But unfortunately, I wasn't the only guy trying to get laid." "Hey, guys, what can I do forya?" "Hey, Long Island, Long Island." "All right." "Kamikaze, senor." "There names were Josh and Alex.... and they were on a quest of their own." "Josh is a tall girl virgin." "I mean, he macks on the dwarf girls." "But I don't know what happens when it comes to the tall girls." "It'd be great." "You know, just beautiful, tall woman." "Legs wrapped around my small, insignificant body." "It would be a dream come true." "I mean, it'd just be wonderful." "I'm gonna find Josh the tallest possible girl I can run in to." "And, we're gonna hook him up, and he's gonna bang her." "Okay, everybody, get ready for the sexual positions contest." "We're gonna enterthe contest." "We're doing the sexual position contest." "Guy-girl teams?" "It could be guy-girl, girl-girl, guy-guy." "Let's get this contest started." "Make some noise!" "Oh, shit" "All right." "Here's our next group!" "Let's give'em some love!" "Why don't me and you do it?" "Yeah, I'll do it." "I'll get down, and we can do the toilet seat." "You'll do with him?" "I'll do it with Hansy." "Go!" "We had a virgin and a fat-ass." "But if we wanted to avoid last place we had to find some willing females." "There names were Tara and Melissa." "They were sophomores at the University of Washington." "Here's what we're doin'." "We're each gonna be holdin' you... like holdin' you, like ridin' you against a wall." "You hold..." "And you're gonna lean back... and then you're gonna start makin' out with Josh... as you're leaning back and then you flash." "Thirty seconds to leave your mark on the crowd." "Take it off!" "." "We'll hold you up like this." "I'd rather go up and flash." "We'll take it off and grind overthe top of her." "I don't understand." "Okay, listen, listen." "She's gonna lay down as soon as we get up there." "I'm gonna take off hertop." "She's taking off my top." "We're gonna grind." "We're gonna make out." "And, wheneveryou guys come in..." "Where are we in this?" "You find your own place." "This is our final group!" "Let'see what they got." "It's time to fuck some ass!" "We may not have won the contest, but thanks to Tara and Melissa..." "I had already simulated sex." "Hopefully that night, I'd get the real thing." "So, you know what?" "It shouldn't be that hard." "It shouldn't be this hard to find some chik." "Hey, what's up you all?" "Hey." "How you guys doin'?" "Have you ever hooked up with a dwarf before?" "Never." "No." "Man, well, you're missing out." "This kid's never hooked up with a tall girl before." "Why do you guys think that we..." "Why do you have to say this?" "That would be good." "Tell'em the "L" theory." "Chicks dig that." "Okay, I wanna hear it." "Tell us the "L" theory." "All right, the "L" theory is, like..." "All right, ready?" "You got yourtall guy, and, whoo." "And then you got your short guy." "It's where the arms and legs go." "Ohh." "We have short arms and legs." "Where do you think our length goes?" "Hey, how about we all cancel our return plane ticket?" "Let's do it." "Let's open up a bar on the beach." "I'm so forthat." "Let's do it." "So am I." "Wait, we won't hire you 'cause we're gonna open an all-dwarf ar." "Guess what we're callin' it?" "Wait." ""D-warf." Duh warf." "'Cause it's on the beach." "I don't get it." "Never mind, never mind." "It was too deep." "We'll see you guys tomorrowthen." "All right, nice to meet you guys." "Nice to meet you guys." "Manana." "Peace." "Adios." "Dumb bitches." "They didn't laugh." "They didn't get it." "How many people are gonna get wasted tonight?" "How many people are gonna get some tonight?" "All right." "It was our first night out." "And luckily my wingman Hans was there to loosen up the ladies." "No!" "Who knew a hairy ass could be such an icebreaker?" "What's your name?" "Eddie." "Eddie, nice to meet you." "I think you're really cool." "You're awesome." "All of a sudden, I was doin'all right." "But across town, Josh and his wingman Alex were kicking my ass." "Pretend this is a tall person." "Okay." "He's got a mini weenie." "Amini weenie, right?" "And then you have your short gyu." "He's got a big cock." "Like me." "Well, so much for my wingman." "But as it turned out, I didn't need him anymore." "Her name was Maria, and she really seemed to like me." "Where are you from?" "Colorado." "That's great." "Are you guys on that?" "What's he doing?" "I'm gonna walk you home, all right?" "Alex!" "Alex!" "Donde Alex?" "That's my boy." "Where's he at?" "Alex!" "This way." "They told me thst we were gonna go skinny-dipping later." "I was grabbing hertitties." "She didn't care." "I'd go to a normal bar and try to do that, I'd get my face slapped." "And they're like , "Oh, we have boyfriends"." "What the fuck?" "You look way to good." "You know I'm a virgin?" "I need a little challenge." "I didn't want somethin' that was like, "Hey, you're the dwarf."" "Fuck that." "Fuck no." "I'm not into that." "I need to work." "See, like, I'm a man." "I need to work a little for my poontang pie." "That's what it's all about." "I'm gonna kiss you once on the lips." "I really want you." "We could go to your room." "And we can do it in the..." "What floor are you guys?" "Third." "Things were startin'to heat up." "But there was one thought I just couldn't get out of my head." "Whatever you do, honey, use protection." "Hold on." "I'll be right back." "Do you have a rubber?" "No, I don't." "Feel this?" "No, wait." "Take these too." "And take this lube." "All right." "This was it." "After 21 years, 2 months, and 13 days..." "I was finally gonna get some." "Ah, where the fuck did she go?" "Oh, are you fucking kidding me?" "Howthe fuck big is this place?" "Christ!" "I'll love you till the end" "Psyche, I'm just kiddin' 'Cause I hate the things you do" "Maria!" "Maria!" "But I don't know why" "I put up with you" "I put up with you" "I got a dollar bet." "Johnny, you ready?" "Yeah." "Dollar bet's you pee... in your shoes, and then wearthem home." "Bring it on." "I want to see a stream." "Put it down on the ground." "I wanna see..." "On the ground." "Whoa, whoa, whoa." "Stop." "You need a stream." "I wanna see a stream." "Other one." "Hold on." "Get her done!" "Get it!" "Get it!" "Now do some on the roof." "Fuck you dude." "There's enough fuckin' piss in these, all right?" "These are so fuckin' heavy." "Wait." "I don't want sand in there." "Get in there!" "I would be worried..." "Use your other hand." "Oh, no." "Oh, no!" "Oh, my..." "Pull that up." "Pull that up." "Hold me up." "Hold me up, all right?" "Oh, man, it smells." "Oh, there it was!" "These are so funckin' warm." "You have no idea." "That was fantastic." "Now give me my fuckin' dollar." "What are you doing, "fag-salka"?" "Just cleaning' up." "Hey, I'd help you, but I don't want to move." "No worries." "All right." "Cool." "Well, you didn't hear my story about last night." "No." "All right." "So, I was walkin' around with that girl in the red shirt." "I don't know if you know." "A little girl named Maria." "Herfriend was actually the one sittin' by you when you puked." "The..." "Okay." "Okay." "And she's all, "I really like you." "I really want to be alone with you." "Let's go by the pool."" "For some reason, she tells me..." "She's sayin' somethin' blah, blah..." "And then, "My little girl likes this."" "Turns out this little girl is 18 years old." "Which makes this girl in the red shirt, this Maria...." "I would think, like, 36, 37." "Uh, more?" "I guess she could be a little younger." "She's got an 18-year-old kid, that's 36..." "orthat's 18 years old?" "Yeah." "Wait." "You hungover, Hansy?" "No, I'm still drunk." "Hey." "What?" "How many fuckin' times a day do you have to call her?" "Tell your wife that I love her." "Hello?" "Is Shana there?" "Hey." "What's up?" "Nothin'." "How are you?" "I'm good." "A little tired." "Yeah?" "Yeah." "I miss ya." "I miss you too." "I really wanted to talk to you yesterday." "I know, I'm sorry." "I wanted to call too." "Well, why didn't you?" "I was just doin'bullshit all day." "Shana, Ghertner loves you." "Hold on a second." "Wish you were here." "God!" "He's gonna come over here... and beat my ass." "He fuckin' shut the door, dude." "That's fuckin' great." "All right." "Sorry." "I had to shut the door." "What's she doing for spring break?" "Uh, sittin' around thinkin' of him gettin' laid on the beach." "Sittin' around waitin' forthe call." ""I'm havin' the time of my life."" "Cool." "No." "She needs to fuckin' ease up." "You tell me you're gonna call me and then you don't." "It freaks me out." "Nothing crazy's goin' on." "It's just harder on me..." "than I thought it was gonna be." "Right." "I know." "But I kind of have to run." "That really disturbs me when you say things like, "I have to do this"..." "or "I have to do that."" "Yeah." "Apparently you don't really want to talk about it." "I'm just getting frustrated." "I know." "It's frustrating for me too." "I know it is, baby." "Okay?" "All right." "I love you." "All right, baby." "Bye." "Bye." "Fuck the bitch, dude." "Shut up." "Let's go grab some ho's, Huntington." "Shut up." "Come on, dude." "What's up, man?" "Where's Josh at?" "Josh is overthere." "I'm glad you guys gonna to do that." "Yeah, the sexual position contest." "That was crazy." "Wanna sit down?" "Were there a lot of hot girls out last night?" "Yeah." "Have they treated you well yet... or still waitting' on it?" "My problem is..." "Like, it's hard for me to talk to girls." "They're not gonnajust go up and introduce themselves, so..." "They think the exact opposite." "They're sitting there." "They wanna go talk to you." "You don't want to go talk to them." "So, you don't have an interaction." "I mean..." "Well, it had to come to this." "I was getting advice from a dwarf." "Was he really qualified?" "That's what I would do." "Maybe he was." "It's not like I'm looking for the hottest girl in the word." "'Cause I know I'm not a great-looking guy, but..." "You need to think more of yourself." "Yeah." "Let it loose." "There's absolutely nothing to be worried about." "Right." "Well, I'm gonna gojump in the shower." "If you want, we live... on this patio overthere." "We live in room 579 if you wanna come up." "Just come up afteryou guys get back partying..." "or something." "We need a pre-party tonight." "We have to go out." "Later on, man." "Later." "I'll dollar bet you to eat this right now." "Only if you feed it to him like a bird." "Feed it to him like a bird." "Fuckin' gross." "No, it's not." "Here." "Here." "No." "Let me see that." "I have the dollar bet." "I'd rather eat this out of someone's mouth than a banana." "All right, Johnny." "It's you, buddy." "Yes, yes." "All right." "What are we doin'?" "Dollar bet." "I chew it up and feed you like a bird." "Fuck it." "Let's do it." "Germ boy, are you gonna do this?" "Yeah, let's do it." "Oh, shit." "You have to come over here and feed it to me." "Like a mama bird." "Wait." "Which is more momentous... eating germs out of his mouth or him jumping in the water with sharks?" "Oh, God, dude, this is fucking terrible!" "You gotta..." "Get up here like a bird." "Drop the shit in by a foot at least." "I can't do this." "Drop it." "I'm gonna choke." "I'm gonna choke." "Try to get up above him..." "You're chewing' too much, man." "I wanna see, like, banana poo come outta your mouth." "Ohh!" "Fucking gross!" "I cannot believe youjust fuckin' did that." "That's the grossest shit I've ever seen." "Where do you wanna sit?" "There you go, boss." "He seemed like a nice guy." "There's a girl foryou." "Oh, get out of town." "Eddie, get yourface out of your menu." "You can enjoy the view." "Is that Tara right there?" "Where?" "Sittin' right there." "I have no idea." "Is it her?" "I decided to take Alex's advice and go up to Tara... my partner from the sexual positions contest." "What's Eddie doin'?" "I don't know." "I was tryin' to figure out that." "Is Eddie overthere talking to girls?" "All i needed to do was gather my confidence... and break the seal with a smooth opening line." "Did you girls want some water?" "I'll get you some." "We already have some." "What the hell..." "What in God's name are we doing?" "Cuánto es?" "How much?" "Ten dollars." "Ten dollars." "Do the angle thing." "Can we look around in here?" "Sure." "We want to see more." "Where are the big hats at?" "Hola, hola, hola." "Hola, hola." "Hola." "Hola." "We left the goal of getting you laid." "We need to get back on that." "It's crunch time." "What's the plan fortonight?" "Go all out." "Hold nothing back." "Go forthe gold." "Last few days, we've kind of been draggin'." "Tonight we're on thejob and we're serious about it." "We are two cool dudes." "Can you showthe traditional dance?" "How do you do it?" "You can dance like this." "Oh, you put the hat down, and you dance around it?" "Like that?" "Muy bien." "Don't worry." "We'll be here all week." "The girls that I was talking to earlier..." "Our second night out was off to a fast start." "What's your name?" "Eddie." "Eddie, I'm Megan." "Her name was Megan." "She was a junior at the University of Idaho." "Those are nice boobies." "Can I lick'em?" "Can I lick yours?" "Hey, my turn." "Share, baby." "Share." "Man, it's your mama." "So, you wanna go back to your room, Edie?" "Yes." "Where are you staying?" "Plaza Los Gordas." "Here we come." "We're goin' to the foam party." "Dude, I was told, like, foam gets like up to here." "Sorry, everybody, I need your attention here." "We have a bit of an emergency." "We got some little people in the house and one of them is missing." "His name is Josh." "Josh!" "Josh!" "Overthere." "Overthere." "Where is he?" "Just one is missing." "Dude, he's in the foam." "If you feel any little hands touching you..." "let the security guards know." "He's over here!" "There you go!" "All right, everybody, we got him." "It's good." "That was my biggest fear ever." "I'd never been to a foam party." "I was like, "We're gonna drown."" "And we almost did." "We almost did?" "I'm, like, still coughing the shit up." "Like I..." "How about that one girl though..." "Oh, shit, dude, that was fuckin' tight." "The foam was perfect." "The whole foam..." "I was, like, copping a feel the entire time." "Then the foam got too shallow, so we, like, moved... until the foam was deep enough." "Oh, shit, dude." "I just..." "Dude, she was, like, beyond a dream girl." "Why did this..." "Why did it have to end?" "Let go Let go" "That was disgusting, but I'm gonna give you a high 5 forthat, anyway." "Let's get this proverbial show on the road." "Grab a beer, buddy, and sit down." "We're playing some games." "You come up with a movie title and replace 1 of the words with vagina." "All right." "Okay." "I don't know if I like this." "I'm sure you have one good example." "Name a movie." "Natural Born Killers." ""Natural Born Vaginas."" ""V-Vagina Born Killers."" "There's nothing creative about it." "Okay, what do you got?" "What do you mean?" "All you have to say is, like, "Jurassic Vagina."" "See?" "Everyone fuckin' laughed 'cause it was funny." "It worked." "Okay, okay. "Sixteen Vaginas."" "Nice." ""Attack of the Killer Vaginas."" "What do you say "Jurassic Vaginas"." ""Look Who's Vagina."" "Oh, my God!" ""Look Who's Vagina's Talking."" "Kyle and Bryan were hooking'up." "So I decided to make a move of my own." "I wanted it to be special." "Something Megan had never seen before." "Something that would really turn her on." "And I wasn't finished yet." "I got one." "I got one." "All right." "You want some vagina, I'll give you some vagina." "I would like vagina, please." "All right." ""Vagina"." "No." "That's not a movie title." "That took overfor "Chocolat"." "Shut up!" "That is some bullshit." "Do you know any place we can go to be more alone forthis evening?" "More romantic." "Dude, where?" "I have no idea." "I haven't been around enough." "Is anyone here by the hotel?" "I don't know." "If we find a room on that stairwell..." "Let me go ask real fast." "Here." "Go ask." "So, what should I do now?" "." "I would say..." "I would say, go to her room or some place..." "Go someplace?" "Make out." "Play with her boobies." "Whatever." "Then drop the pants." "Hey, Bryan." "Okay." "Do you have any condoms?" "Yeah." "You like that one?" "Take two anyway." "What?" "You want a crazy little blue pill?" "Oh, yeah, yeah..." "See his face?" "Just in case "Little Eddie" wasn't ready..." "Bryan suggested I pop one of his Viagras." "Give me two actually." "Or maybe I should try three." "I don't think you're supposed to take more than two." "I think your cock will blow up." "I had the girl, the condoms, the Viagra." "Everything was looking good." "Megan, we're trying to sleep." "Let's go somewhere else." "No, it's okay." "Dude, I hope that chick didn't cock-block Edster." "It's 4:00 in the fuckin'morning!" "Oh, it's 4:00 a.m.?" "Sorry, Eddie." "What if she freaks out on him or something and fuckin' doesn't... doesn't seal the deal?" "And he's got a fuckin' boner pill rockin'." "That would suck." "He's gonna be walking around with a boner for the next week." "You think they have an uncircumcised version of this?" "That hurt, dude." "I just got mowed with a huge cock." "Are you over with doing this to Hans?" "No." "He's definitely gettin' the cock test." "Sun's a rising'." "That was so fucked up." "Wake up Wake up" "Wake up Wake up" "Wake up, motherfucker, wake up" "Wake up" "Fuck me, man." "You still hungover?" "I'm just constantly nauseous, dude." "Forgot to bring my suppositories." "What the fuck are those?" "Pills you stick up your ass to stop nausea." "I thought that's where Lee Harvey shot, uh, J.F.K." "At a suppository?" "It was a suppository, wasn't it?" "What?" "Not Lee Harvey." "Whoever killed J.F.K." "He shot him in the suppository?" "The book suppository." "The Texas book suppository or whatever." "Is that not what it was called?" "I don't know." "All I know is that "suppository"... is a pill that you stick up your butt." "I bet you $15 that the... the thing that Lee Harvey was hiding out in... when he capped J.F.K. in the dome was called a "suppository"." "All I want is a suppository for my butt." "Yo necisito una pastilla para mi culo... para stomach-o, nausea." "Poor Johnny's nauseous and he just wants to shove something up his ass." "Seems to me like "suppository" would be a universal word." "I think so too, Hans." "Whoa." "There it is." "I got it. "Supositorios"." "I "quiero" one of those." "Es para bebé." "Oh, it's for babies?" "That's fine." "I got a small ass." "He's a little guy." "For "ninos"." "That'll be gentle on me." "Let's get these." "Just get that shit." "Shove it up your ass and see what happens." "Adiós, mi amiga." "Thanks forthe butt pills!" "All right." "That's about as far as I'm going with it." "Come on, Hans!" "That's the greatest day of my life!" "Come on, Crystal!" "I lost my top." "Get down!" "Get down!" "Yeah, baby!" "I think I'm gonna try to call that Tara girl tonight." "Yeah, I think you should, dude." "She said she'd be home around 6:00." "Yeah?" "You gonna call her?" "I might ask herto dinner or..." "Yeah." "Nothing like going on spring break and going on a date." "I don't wanna do that, but..." "I'll probably..." "I don't know what I'll do." "Take her out to dinner?" "Yeah." "Exactly." "That's what I'm saying." "I don't know If I want... it's just the way I am." "Taking a piss." "I can't reach." "Can you hold me up?" "Yeah." "Action!" "There you go." "There you go, buddy." "Keep it flowin', buddy." "It's all good." "Now we got it." "I'm good." "Are you good?" "You guys still pissing overthere?" "Yeah." "Do you need help?" "Now it's my turn." "True friend." "Keeping the streets safe?" "Muy bien." "Hopefully you guys won't have to see us tonight and arrest us." "We'll be good." "Best behavior." "Bye." "Oh, my God!" "Look!" "It's midgets!" "Midgets!" "It's "dwarves", dumb ass." "Have you ever had sex with a short person before?" "On the beach?" "On the beach or anywhere." "A little person." "Very good." "A little, little, little guy, little man." "For real." "I think he wants to get with you." "What the hell?" "I'm just asking her." "Is that his penis good?" "I wouldn't know." "You know." "Muy grande." "Very good." "Sí." "This big?" "Muy grande." "What's your number on at the hotel?" "524." "Muy bien." "We'll see you." "Bye-bye." "Adiós." "Hasta lajuego." "I just wanna know, dude." "Wejust talked about it." "I just wanna know why... haven't you got laid?" "Seriously." "I mean, I've known you..." "I mean, you were a fuckin' prom king, were you not?" "But..." "People like you." "I just don't understand the self-consciousness... when obviously you're a well-liked person." "One of the main reason is..." "I don't..." "I can't talk to girls, first off... 'cause I don't know what to say and I think I sound stupid." "You always felt like that?" "Yeah, always." "I can nevertalk to them." "Like, I talked to these girls here today... and I can talk to them and we're having a good time... but there's so many of those awkward silences... that I don't know what to say in between." "That's when you pull out your belly and shake it around." "Well, yeah, and another reason..." "Another reason I feel that way is 'cause I'm so skinny." "Now, that's a big reason for it." "Really?" "Yeah." "God bless every day you're skinny." "No, no, no." "Dude... it's not what people have to looks at, man." "This is the best thing I can tell you." "And seriously, Eddie..." "I know you can understand where I'm coming from." "Like, I'm not a looker." "Like, people don't like me because I look good, okay?" "You can't change the way you look." "You're not fuckin' Michael Jackson." "You can't make yourself white, cut your nose off... and put a dick on yourface and be, like, "This is my real nose."" "You can't do that." "I mean, seriously." "Man, let's get out of here." "Yeah." "Fuck it." "I gotta pee and I gotta shower." "You know what?" "If you live..." "Eddie, come on, man." "Eddie, come here." "Dude, let's have a little talk." "If you live your life worrying about what other people think... you're not living your life foryourself." "No, I know." "I'll get over it." "Fuck'em." "Fuck'em." "Yeah, fuck'em." "Hans was right." "I was Eddie fucking Macsalka." "I'm calling Tara and telling her, "Game on"." "Tara?" "Yes." "Hi." "It's Eddie." "Hi." "How are you?" "Good." "How are you?" "Good." "Well, here, I don't know what the guys are gonna do tonight... but, would you wanna go to dinner... at this lighthouse place across the street?" "Yeah." "What do you say to maybe 8 or 8:30?" "That's fine." "Okay." "Is that all right?" "Yeah." "Well, I'll stop by then around 8." "Okay." "All right, Tara." "Bye-bye." "All right." "Bye." "Where are we taking these girls?" "Where are we taking these girls?" "We gotta take'em to the hottest place and just get'em wasted." "Yes." "Yes." "Get'em absolutely wasted." "We have to focus." "We can't fuck up." "Yes." "You looking forward to this date?" "Yeah." "A little bit." "Fuck." "You should sit down and, like, get a bottle of wine or something." "Yeah." "I might do that." "I didn't think of that." "It's a good idea." "Ether way, just get, like, a couple nice drinks, you know?" "." "You should just orderfor her, and then, you pay for it, obviously." "Charge herfor her half of it." ""Hey, can you cover me?"" "Where we going, boys?" "Where we going?" "Gonna go to a nice little place and get some drinks." "Can't say "no" to that." "We get the deep-fried red snapper?" "Deep-fried red snapper." "We'rejust gonna get one of those and share it for right now." "And then, we'll get more for later." "Thank you." "Okay." "Very good." "I don't know what to drink with what food." "I think it's, like, red wine with Italian." "And with, like, steak... and basically red meat." "And white wine with fish or chicken." "They're taking care of the drinks." "We're taking care of the drinks." "You're taking care of the drinks?" "They wanna get us drunk and take advantage of us." "Yes." "Sí." "Cheers." "Cheers." "Cheers." "What music do you listen to?" "I don't listen to much, but..." "I'm more of a TV guy." "What are you majoring in?" "Communications... something that'll help me get into radio, 'cause that's what I want." "But you don't listen to the radio." "I don't wanna do music, but talk show." "Ready." "Here you go." "Go." "That was a graceful lick." "You know, I have a question." "Where do you guys buy your clothes?" "Gap Kids." "Gap Kids." "I do too!" "I get my clothes at Gap Kids too!" "Oh, I didn't realize they were going to bring us this." "It's okay." "It's really a scary looking fish." "I'm kind of freaked out by these eyes here." "How do we eat this?" "We just cut into it?" "It's pretty good though." "Glad you came out with me." "Thanks." "Thank you for having me here." "Always." "You won't be able to do it." "Get the fuck on." "I'm strong." "We're going to go insane." "Come on." "Am I ok?" "Do a toe kick!" "Go." "Because, seriously, they could get arrested for that." "Look at that." "Wrestling." "Fouryears varsity!" "What's up now?" "." "Okay." "You kicked my ass." "I know." "Okay." "I had done everything right." "I took Tara to a romantic restaurant..." "I ordered a nice bottle of wine... and I even paid for her red snapper." "It was clear what I had to do." "I had to step up, be a man..." "And ask her upstairs to my room." "Thank you for coming again." "Thank you." "Or I could completely fucking choke." "Here we go." "Let's go." "Let's go." "Alcohol?" "Where's the tequila?" "No tequila, "senorita"." "Vanilla vodca and citrus vodca." "You mix citrus vodka with Sprite, you got a legal date-rape drug." "No fucking shit." "We don't want that." "I do." "Guys, I think it's time for us to go." "Let's go." "Bye, guys." "Good night." "What the fuck was that?" "Hey guys, where are we going?" "I don't know, but I need a beer." "It had been a lame idea to go on a date during spring break." "It was time for me to do what everybody else did in Cabo." "Hey, can I get four Coronas?" "Get shit-faced." "Now a shot." "Here we go!" "One more!" "Hey, can I have two more Coronas?" "Cheers, motherfucker." "Hey, Hans!" "Hans, Hans!" "Eddie, you can't even keep your eyes open." "You're cut!" "Yeah, He's fucking done, dude." ""D-U-N, done."" "All right." "Get his ass in there." "Bye." "Come on, Eddie." "Let's go." "Come on." "Up." "Step up." "It's like a cartoon." "We can't fit." "I know." "All right." "Come on, baby." "We got it." "Here, baby." "I'll be all right." "I know." "Just lay down, baby." "All right." "There you go." "There you go." "We're going to fuck with him now." "This should be easy." "What we do?" "Dental floss him?" "Youjust..." "I'm going in." "No, no, no." "No, you first." "Fits pretty good, actually." "Wait, wait, wait." "I'm going to stick this up his ass and then pull the pen out." "So he's going to wake up with a condom hanging out of his ass." "That's kind of funny, actually." "I don't know if I can do this." "Get a foot." "Pull." "Let's just roll him over first." "He's squirming." "He's squirming." "This is kind of fucked up." "Isn't that the guy?" "That's the guy!" "We're going to try it out here." "He's squirming." "Oh, dude." "They're sticking it in his ass!" "Oh my God!" "Is it a done deal?" "Oh my God!" "Oh, they did it!" "He's good, dude." "He's good." "Sweet." "That will teach him to drink that much." "So, how did they get the G-string on me?" "It was put on you." "I didn't do it, but did you woke up with a condom in your ass?" "I don't know about that, but I remember I had a G-string on." "Acondom in my ass?" "Maybe it's still up there for all I know." "Hey." "What?" "Where are you going?" "Calling Shana." "Why can't youjust go..." "I don't understand." "Ok, honestly, I don't understand why you can't go to Mexico for a week... and just be like "I love you", or whateveryou say to her... and then like "I'll see you in a week."" "What does it matterto you if I call her?" "What does it matter?" "'Cause I want you to knowthat you can live without your girlfriend." "I'm not trying to be a dick to Amy, but I am." "What are you going to do?" "First of all, that's your nature." "I told Amy right when we left." "We had a little talk and whatever." "You've been dating for 2 months." "This is the difference in our relationships." "What?" "What are four extra months?" "Five." "Like, what happens when you break up..." "You're the guy, that when you break up with your girlfriend... you go like, cry for a fucking year and don't move and go out." "Wait." "Don't go that far, ace." "Hello." "What's up?" "I haven't really slept at all." "I slept last night finally, 'cause I was so... just like emotionally and physically exhausted." "What are you worried about, hon?" "I've beenjust concerned about you for a while... and it made it worse yesterday, when I didn't get to talk to you." "Last night I felt like I had a brick wall and couldn't see anything... like this is the way I felt and I couldn't see it ever going away." "What do you mean "not going away"?" "You didn't call me yesterday... and I felt like you were just being insensitive... to the fact that I was..." "that this is hard on me." "I know and I'm sorry." "I just want to be able to talk." "You know what I mean?" "Yeah." "Okay." "All right, baby." "I miss you." "Bye." "Day four." "The Booze Cruise." "Welcome to the bar!" "The guys thought it was time for me to meet some new girls... but I was still kind of into Tara." "I wasn't sure if she wanted to hook up..." "But three hours trapped at sea would be a good way to find out." "Ok, everybody!" "This is a party boat and everybody wants to party." "Let me hear you make some noise!" "Everything is possible onboard." "You want to dance?" "Dance!" "You want to drink?" "Drink!" "Get crazy!" "Do you surf?" "No." "I've never done it before." "I doubt I could ever do that." "Fat guys and little people?" "Women flock." "How much do you weigh?" "I can squat 330 pounds." "I could pick you up and dance with you on my shoulders." "Really?" "Hold that." "No fucking way!" "That's a fucking mind-blower!" "That's a fucking mind-blower!" "I going to make dumb faces when I'm in the sun." "You're very concerned." "Well, no." "I just think it's funny." "I think you need to be a little..." "When I'm with a pretty girl..." "I don't want to be making dumb faces." "I want you to be you, Eddie." "So what are you saying? "Me" is making dumb faces, is that it?" "I'm just kidding." "I don't consideryourface..." "God bless you for coming." "Free party, our place." "We got a full bar." "I want you guys all to make it." "I love you guys." "If you want to make out with me, it's $5.00." "Come on, guys." "There was a party at our place." "It works better with no clothes." "But I really wasn't that interested." "Tara and I were going back to her room." "You don't have a key to your own fucking room?" "They don't trust me with the keys, 'cause I loose them every time." "Hello." "Things are going to get freaky." "So, maybe I'll see you tomorrow or something, ok?" "What the fuckjust happened?" "Shit." "I have a huge head." "Yeah, we know." "That's my weapon, you know." "Give me a head butt, baby." "God." "It's killing me, dude." "Oh, Christ almighty." "I held nothing back." "Who cares?" "Who cares?" "Why are your shorts unbuttoned?" "They've been unbuttoned the whole time." "I'll need the key." "I'm going to get some money." "Where are you really going with her?" "You're not getting money." "Getting poontang pie." "Have you seen Amy at all?" "They're knocking it out L.P. style, you know what I'm saying?" "No, they are not." "I am like best friends with Amy." "She would not do that." "That's what you think." "Come here, baby." "Don't stop." "Where's Amy?" "She's in my room with him." "What room number are you in?" "She knows where we are." "I know where it is." "Let's go." "They're going to walk in on that shit." "They're like the overprotective friends." "Dude, he probably already blew his load." "Don't worry." "Hey, hon." "Let's go." "Hans, I love you to death, buddy, but we had an agreement." "Is he completely passed out, though?" "He's pretty done." "Take care, buddy." "Hey, don't." "Why are you talking?" "Sleep like a baby." "All right." "Let's go." "Shit." "There's a lot of luggage." "That was for everyone who ever fucked with me." "Sorry, Hans." "It was my last day in Mexico... and it looked like I was going home a virgin." "It was time to kick back on the beach with my friends... and stop worrying about girls." "Besides... there are more important things in life than sex, right?" "Is that Tara right there?" "Where?" "Sitting right there?" "I have no idea." "How are you?" "Fine." "You're doing well with all your little boyfriends overthere." "What?" "I can't talk." "My voice is gone." "Why?" "Because I've been yelling in clubs." "So you've been a little too crazy." "Oh yeah." "Do you dance?" "Touchy subject?" "I think we're going to make our move back to the pool." "Are we going to go eat then?" "I think so." "Going to go in the ocean, buddy?" "I'm going to pee." "You want to come?" "Hey, Hansy, how are we getting back?" "Watertaxi or walking." "I don't care." "I can't believe he's like 21." "He's hilarious." "He's quite a guy." "You know he's peeing right now." "He's got his arms lifted." "He doesn't want to touch his own water." "He's hilarious." "I just love him." "He doesn't give a rat's ass about what anybody thinks about him." "You're going to the hot tub?" "Yeah." "Hot tub." "You got to come to the hot tub." "Hey, Ghertner!" "Oh my..." "Look at this!" "Go, Eddie, man!" "Gracias, Tito." "Hello." "What's up?" "Nothing." "How are you?" "I'm good." "How are you?" "I just want you to come back." "It's the longest time we've ever been away from each other." "Ever." "We need to find some girls." "Yeah, we're losers." "We're in Cabo and we can't find girls." "On the other hand, Ed could be fucking right now." "But I miss you to death." "I can't keep you off my mind." "It's out of control." "I physically could not sleep last night." "Seriously." "I know." "After this drink, we're on alcohol probation." "No mas alcohol." "No mas alcohol." "Or "alcohol", forthose who can not vote." ""Chicas primera"." ""Ladies first."" "Empty your drink." "Another drink?" ""Uno mas?" -"Uno mas." "Uno mas."" "Hey." "Two. "Dos!" -"Dos!" "Dos!"" "You have to know, like, when this all done... you're the only girl I ever want to be with." "Are you teary eyed?" "Yeah." "I love you." "I love you too." "Bye." "Bye." "I am a fucking piece of shit." "Hey, come here." "Come here." "Hey." "No, no, no." "Punch me." "I'll help you." "Punch me." "Punch me, punch me." "Punch you?" "What side?" "No, no, no." "I honestly think that Eddie is knocking it out right now." "Are you serious." "I honestly think that." "Atta boy, Eddie." "What happened?" "I'm out." "Okay." "You give me a call." "No, you." "I will, I will." "Yeah." "Thanks, Tara." "Thanks." "I'll see you later." "We did it once then we took a showertogether." "This guy is a pro already." "And we did it again." "No fucking way!" "The second time was shorter than the first time though." "You've had sex as many times as I have in my life, in the last hour." "Look at him, man." "He's a new guy." "Yeah, look at him." "Now, he's going to be like..." "He's like "I'm no amateur"." "Yeah." "I do like her." "So I'll probably hang out with her at the meeting." "Hell, yeah, man." "Obviously." "Congratulations." "That's fucking awesome." "As much as... we all came down here to have a great time and everything..." "I think everyone knows the number-one goal... was to get this guy laid." "And I think that, I think that's good." "Nice." "You did it under your terms." "and you had fun and I think that's commendable." "And I'm glad you did, because..." "Now we don't make fun of you anymore." "Congrats, Eddie." "Here's to all of us, to all of us." "To everybody." "Well, everybody." "I agree." "Eddie, here's to you." "So nowthat we're all done, let's get fucked up and have a party." "The quest was complete." "Thanks to my friend and Tara, of course..." "I was no longer a virgin." "But I know what you're thinking." "What about Josh?" "What happened on his quest?" "You don't have a girlfriend?" "No girlfriend." "Because I don't have a boyfriend." ""Ay, chihuahua." "Es muy grande."" "I told you." "I lost my virginity when I was 21 to my photographer husband... who had flashlight to see where he was going because it was so dark." "I would let him touch my titties and my pussy... and I would touch his..." "I would feel his..." "What do I call?" "His what? "Dick"?" "I never did say that, you guys!" "I bet you a dollar he wakes up." "Do I again." "Do it again." "Okay." "Dude, this is awesome." "My first sexual experience was with a whore." "I had sex with a priest." "ACatholic priest, yes." "He wasn't very well endowed." "I'm a freaky, crazy motherfucker." "I like tojust make her scream. holler." "And, you know, I'm pretty successful at that too." "You ready?" "Go." "Hanging on?" "Got it." "I feel like I'm..." "Holy fuck!" "This is like four-dwarves tall!" "Honey, you lay down, shut up." "Somebody get him some water, please." "You did not just do that." "You did notjust do that." "That's totally uncool!" "Ticklish?" "Ticklish?" "Ticklish?" "Ticklish?" "Dude!" "Ticklish?" "Ticklish?" "Yah, what's up now?" "." "Good dog!" "Good Tyler!" "Drink!" "Drink!" "Drink!" "Drink!" "Drink!" "Drink!" "He's down, baby." "He's down." "Cut it!" "Cut it!" "Got it!" "I'm coming baby." "I'm coming." "Saved it." "Saved it."