"( theme song playing )" "( bell on door jingles )" "CLERK:" "I'll be right with you, sir." "Do you have any cauliflower today?" "Yes, right next to the onions." "Danke." "Thank you very much, Fräulein Wagner." "Is this cauliflower fresh?" "The farmer brought them in this morning." "Mm-hmm." "Is that the contact from the underground?" "I don't know." "I've been too busy to find out." "I'll check it." "Be careful, Colonel." "She may be a Gestapo man in disguise." "With those legs, I hope he's free for dinner." "( clears throat )" "If she is from the underground, tell her to stop squeezing my tomatoes." "Excuse me." "Are you the woman who lost her schnauzer?" "No, I don't have a schnauzer;" "I have a Weimaraner." "Weimaraner's are fine dogs." "We have two dachshunds." "Really?" "What are their names?" "Hans and Fritz." "I'm very happy to meet you." "Hard to believe we're winning the war with that hokey code." "Is the proprietor also an underground agent?" "Mm-hmm." "Does he have a message for me?" "Yes." "What is the message?" "Stop squeezing the tomatoes." "I beg your pardon." "I have a message for you." "London wants to know if you can do another job." "I'm afraid that's impossible." "What's the problem?" "The Gestapo-- they're closing in on me." "What makes you so sure?" "There's always a man outside my apartment." "I've received a series of mysterious phone calls, and, yesterday, I find a small microphone in my dresser drawer." "I guess that would make you a little suspicious." "I don't want to seem dramatic, but I must get out of Germany within the next few days." "It won't be easy." "We have a lot of fliers to get out of the country, and our rescue teams are overworked." "In that case, it was nice knowing you." "Don't give up hope." "I'll do the best I can." "Where can you be reached?" "The Hauserhof." "Good." "Your contacts will be Hans and Fritz." "Thank you." "Hah!" "I don't blame you, Fräulein." "Tomatoes are far too expensive." "You say the tomatoes are too expensive?" "( softly ):" "What kind of code is that?" "What code?" "Face it, Max, you're overpriced." "Hi." "Are we glad to see you, Colonel." "Did you contact her?" "Yes." "I don't mind telling you, she's got to be one of the most beautiful women in the whole underground." "NEWKIRK:" "That figures." "The problem is the Gestapo's onto her and we've got to get her out of the country." "Kinch, call London, huh?" "( clears throat )" "Don't tell me the radio's out again." "No, it's working fine." "As a matter of fact, we just finished talking to jolly old London." "They had a message about your beautiful friend." "Her last contact was picked up by the Gestapo." "They think she's a double agent." "Oh, no." "You didn't tell her about our setup, did you?" "No, but I arranged for her escape." "That's great." "Hans and Fritz are walking right into a trap." "Why is it you can only trust short, dumpy spies?" "We got to warn Hans and Fritz before our beautiful traitor leads them into a trap." "Well, sir, inasmuch as this bird is dangerous, why don't we set a trap for her?" "What do we got in mind?" "Well, the sort of bait you use for a handsome young woman is a dashing, exciting young man with a lot of sex appeal." "Listen, Newkirk, I'm not going out on another dangerous mission." "That goes for me, too." "You're balmy-- both of you." "Why don't we send Newkirk?" "The Gestapo would never be looking for a homely man with no sex appeal." "You're all round the bend." "All right, hold it, hold it." "Let's not worry about the lady." "Our main objective is to warn Hans and Fritz." "SCHULTZ:" "Raus, everybody!" "Raus, raus, raus, raus!" "Roll call!" "Schultz!" "Whatever happened to the old-fashioned custom of knocking?" "It could be very, very dangerous for you, Schultzy." "Dangerous?" "Sure, say we'd been planning a mass escape." "You walk in, see the plans, run and tell old Klink, he throws us all in the cooler." "The Gestapo hears about it, they transfer us to another POW camp." "They close this one down, and you're expendable." "And like a shot, mate, you're transferred to the Russian front." "I promise... next time I'll knock." "HOGAN:" "What's all this about a roll call?" "Everybody out for inspection, five minutes." "And Commandant Klink wants to see you in his office." "There will be a barracks inspection within an hour." "A very important guest is coming." "Adolf Hitler?" "You're close." "Jack the Ripper?" "Frankenstein?" "Otto von Krubner." "The munitions maker?" "I was right with Frankenstein." "He's a very close friend of the Führer." "In fact, he has a castle next to the Führer's in Berchtesgaden." "Nice having a munitions maker for a neighbor." "Yeah, you can always pop next door and borrow a cup of dynamite." "HOGAN:" "If von Krubner's coming, the first thing we've got to do is put up a "No smoking" sign." "You heard me, Sergeant." "I want every soldier to wear a clean uniform." "I want the band to stand by." "And I shall make a personal inspection tour with my guest within one hour." "Really rolling out the red carpet for your friendly neighborhood machine gun dealer." "Hogan, Otto von Krubner is the greatest industrialist in history." "I don't know" " I sort of lean toward the guy that invented the pop-up toaster." "That's why you Americans are losing the war." "We've got the bullets;" "you've got the toasters." "Guess you haven't heard the latest news from the Russian front." "You heard something?" "What did you hear?" "Don't panic, Commandant, but I suggest you tell von Krubner to keep his factories open nights." "I am not going to be taken in by your rumors, Hogan." "Sit down." "I warn you, as long as von Krubner is my guest here," "I will not tolerate any overt acts of hostility or insolence." "In other words, no horsing around." "You want von Krubner to put in a good word with the Führer for you, right, Colonel?" "That, uh... wouldn't hurt." "I got to hand it to you." "Smart move getting in with von Krubner." "Might ask him for a job after the war." "Hogan, may I remind you that my father and his father before him served their country well as military men, and there is no greater glory in the career of the..." "That's not a bad idea." "There must be many calls for out-of-work POW commanders." "Perhaps I could be von Krubner's representative in the United States." "I've always wanted to visit your country, Hogan." "Hey, you could go to Hollywood and be in the remake of All Quiet on the Western Front." "Hollywood..." "Ooh, I would like to go to Hollywood." "I hear that the climate is marvelous." "Just great." "Spend weekends in Palm Springs." "Yes, Palm Springs-- I've heard of that, too." "Isn't that where the, uh... young Fräuleins all walk around with their bathing suits on, huh?" "I can see you kept up your subscription to Strength Through Joy monthly." "You know, Hogan, it would not be a bad idea to sort of drop a hint at dinner, huh?" "You're going to have dinner with von Krubner?" "Oh, yes, I'm going to take him and his fiancée into town." "You're going to take him to "Heartburn" Hofbrau?" "Pretty hard asking a man for a job when they're pumping out his stomach." "You're right, Hogan." "We'll have dinner here." "Good thinking." "I'll have LeBeau cook a delicious meal." "LeBeau?" "You aren't going to have your cooks prepare the meal." "What's wrong with my cooks?" "Face it, Colonel, at your sick call, there's standing room only." "We'll have LeBeau go into town, do some shopping, and it's, "Palm Springs, here I come."" "I can't let LeBeau go into Hammelburg." "Put him under heavy guard." "Send Schultz with him." "You haven't got a heavier guard than that." "Why should LeBeau go shopping in town?" "Why can't he use the food from our mess hall?" "Come here." "They're preparing lunch now." "( sniffs )" "Does that answer your question?" "May I help you?" "Say, aren't you the man who lost his schnauzer?" "No, I don't have a schnauzer." "I own a Weimaraner." "Weimaraner's are fine dogs." "I have two French poodles." "Don't you mean dachshunds?" "I hate Boche dogs." "Stick to the code." "Is the fat one in the underground?" "No, he's a guard at the camp." "That will be five pfennige." "For an apple?" "That is the price." "But I'm a guard at the camp." "That does not entitle you to free apples." "You would make a war hero pay for a piece of fruit?" "I would make Hermann Göring pay for a piece of fruit." "Who told you he was a war hero?" "LeBEAU:" "Leave him alone, Max." "( Schultz chuckles knowingly )" "How come you know his name is Max?" "I never met a man who ran a fruit store who wasn't named Max." "What is your name?" "Max." "See that?" "Amazing." "Put the apple on my bill." "Do you have any mushrooms today?" "Yeah, right over here." "You must get word to Hans and Fritz that they should not rendezvous with the girl." "Why not?" "London suspects she's a double agent." "I can't believe it." "Believe it." "I could kill myself." "Don't take it so hard, Max." "She fooled everyone." "Yeah, but me she owes for two pounds of tomatoes." "You sent for me, Colonel?" "KLINK:" "Ah, yes, Colonel Hogan." "Come in, come in, come in." "Herr von Krubner, may I present the ranking POW officer, Colonel Hogan." "I'm delighted to meet you, Colonel." "I've heard a lot about you." "I would like you to meet my fiancée," "Fräulein Heidi Eberhardt." "Darling, this is Colonel Hogan." "It's a great pleasure, Colonel." "Very happy to meet you, Miss Eberhardt." "Thank you." "Why don't we invite Colonel Hogan to join us for dinner this evening?" "It will be very interesting hearing all about America." "Splendid idea, my darling." "Yes, Hogan, why don't you do us the honor?" "My pleasure." "VON KRUBNER:" "You know, I have been thinking that after the war" "I would open up a factory in the United States." "I understand that Palm Springs is simply beautiful." "That's right" "I took pre-flight training there." "You must tell us all about it at dinner." "Herr von Krubner, would you like to take the tour of the camp now?" "Yes, of course." "You know, I was thinking that after the war" "I might just retire from the military." "Oh, that's very interesting, Klink." "Of course, I would be very grateful to the military for the splendid training in discipline and efficiency." "Of course." "But just offhand," "I was thinking that a Luftwaffe Colonel such as myself... might possibly be highly qualified for, oh, let's say a vice presidency in some international cartel, huh?" "With headquarters in Palm Springs." "Herr von Krubner, I must tell you" "I'm absolutely fascinated by the United States." "That'll be all, Hogan." "Now, Herr von Krubner, over here we have what I would..." "Oh, how clumsy of me." "Oh, allow me." "Oh, thank you, Hogan." "As I was saying, over here we have our delousing station." "Now, if you turn to your right... ( voice fades )" "Is everything arranged with Hans and Fritz?" "No." "But I'm desperate!" "Look, lady, you're barking up the wrong schnauzer." "What do you mean?" "Why don't you ask your last contact-- if he's still alive." "But he was careless and I couldn't get to him to warn him because of the Gestapo." "In our racket, you're known as a bad risk." "Coming, my dear?" "EBERHARDT:" "Yes, my darling." "( softly ):" "You may not trust me, but I trust you." "( loudly ):" "Thank you very much, Colonel." "( softly ):" "Von Krubner has just started production in a secret factory in Rindlesgard." "Do you think London could be wrong, sir?" "I don't know-- she seemed awfully convincing." "I saw her when she got out of the car." "She didn't look like a double agent to me." "How could you tell, Carter?" "Oh..." "Well..." "They usually have heavy eyelids and they carry those long cigarette holders and they wear very tight-fitting clothes and they slink a lot." "And they call themselves "Mata Hari."" "Carter." "You're one world war behind." "Colonel?" "I'd like you to taste this." "It's a sauce arlésienne with just a dash of tarragon." "Well?" "Mmm..." "Von Krubner doesn't deserve such happiness." "Thank you." "Hey, what about a taste, then?" "Now what would an Englishman know about gourmet cooking?" "Hold on, we got some very nice dishes." "Sure, Yorkshire pudding-- a sick pizza." "LeBeau?" "Yes, sir?" "Carter will help you wait on the table." "Do you know anything about serving?" "Sure." "I was once on KP for two weeks." "It's very simple:" "keep the wine glasses filled." "And remember, when you pass the food, serve from the left and remove from the right." "Don't worry, I can handle it." "And make sure the table is set with relish plates, salt and pepper and bread and butter." "What about the ketchup?" "You sure know how to hurt a guy." "Careful." "Ah." "Get through to London?" "Yes, sir." "What'd they say?" "Well, they checked out that information that girl gave you on the munitions plant." "She's a phony, right?" "No-- reconnaissance photos prove there is a new factory at Rindlesgard." "What do you know!" "She's not a Mata Hari after all." "Sort of restores your faith in beautiful women, doesn't it?" "There's a bombing mission on the way to the new plant right now." "Yeah, and when they hit it, the Gestapo's going to know who gave out the information." "Hey, we'd better get that pretty lady out of there in a hurry." "Yeah, but how?" "Well, just off the top of me head, sir," "I could tunnel out with her." "You see, we'd meet the underground contacts in the woods, make our way via the escape route to the coast." "I put her onboard a submarine, and just for safekeeping, I'd accompany her to England." "And settle down in a cottage for two." "Well, it was just a thought, sir." "We better come up with another plan, Colonel." "Yeah, and fast-- or she's going to be having dessert with the Gestapo." "Colonel, I've been meaning to tell you that your dishes are magnificent." "This service is antique Meissen." "Did you know that every plate here is over a hundred years old?" "Oh, no!" "Oh, yes." "That's nothing." "The plates we eat off of are really antique-- over 200 years old and made of tin." "Klink, this is a fantastic meal!" "Thank you, sir, thank you, thank you." "Who's your chef?" "Louis LeBeau." "Louis LeBeau." "Doesn't sound like a German." "Doesn't cook like one either." "Happens to be French." "More champagne, Colonel?" "No thanks, I'm driving." "The escape car." "Hogan..." "Has he told you why he's here?" "Not yet, he says he doesn't like to talk with his mouth full." "Well, that was a half hour ago." "And his mouth has been full ever since." "I'm the official food taster." "Who assigned you?" "I volunteered." "A food taster is only supposed to taste." "I like to be thorough." "KLINK:" "LeBeau?" "You called, Herr Kommandant?" "Yes, Herr von Krubner would like a word with you." "Yes..." "I want to compliment you on an extraordinary meal." "Thank you, sir." "And this gâteau au chocolat Ste." "Hélène is superb." "You are too kind." "I haven't had French cooking like this since I was in Paris last week." "You were in Paris last week?" "Yes-- you wouldn't recognize it." "Since the occupation, we have made it a truly efficient city." "I'm sure you have." "But the food is still excellent, just like your cooking." "Thank you very much." "You know, Herr von Krubner, the French have always been great cooks but terrible fighters." "( guests laughing )" "( loud crash )" "What was that?" "Sorry, Herr Kommandant, it slipped out of my hands." "That platter was invaluable." "The rarest of Meissen." "That's why I insist we always eat off rare tin." "I would now like to propose a toast to the Führer." "Oh, ja, ja." "Ja, Herr von Krubner, ja." "I pass." "Der Führer." "Der Führer." "And a speedy end to the war." "That's in bad taste, sir, in front of your munitions maker." "No, no, no, no, Colonel." "The quicker the war is over, the quicker I can establish factories in our new colony-- the United States." "( laughs )" "That's an ambitious plan." "Naturally, I will need native personnel, and I am interested in having you work for me." "Hogan, then you can show me Palm Springs." "I mean, if you should offer me a job, and if you should establish your factory in that place." "As a matter of fact, Klink," "I was thinking that I could use a man of your talent after the war." "Oh, Herr von Krubner," "I should be most honored to be part of your organization." "( knock )" "The birds are flying." "Hmm?" "The planes are on their way." "Oh... thank you." "Thank you." "( von Krubner chuckling )" "Yes, yes, yes, yes." "I shall have factories all over the world when the war is over." "Herr von Krubner, I think some of your factories should be moved to a new location now." "No, no, no, no, no." "I have no worries in this department, Colonel." "All of my factories are ingeniously hidden by camouflage." "Especially the one at Rindlesgard." "There is no factory at Rindlesgard." "Oh." "Then the rumor of the bombing must be a phony." "You heard a rumor... that a factory in Rindlesgard was bombed?" "HOGAN:" "Yeah, but you can't believe anything these days." "We even heard a rumor the Russians wanted Stalingrad." "Get me Rindlesgard 2-7-9-5." "Hogan, it was a mistake to invite you to dinner." "I must agree with you, Colonel," "I should never have suggested it." "VON KRUBNER:" "This is von Krubner." "I want the factory manager immediately." "Begelman-- von Krubner." "I heard there was a bombing at the plant." "Aha." "Aha, good." "I knew it was a rumor." "What's that?" "Speak up, Begelman, I can't hear you over the bombing!" "Bombing?" "Hello?" "Ah!" "Sometimes a rumor is a little ahead of its time." "You waited until we started production before bombing the plant." "There was only one person who could have given out this information." "Oh, you're wrong, Otto." "Get me the Gestapo." "We have a way of dealing with traitors-- even beautiful ones." "( with German accent ):" "Ja, ja, Gestapo Headquarters," "Captain Schnutzle speaking." "Otto von Krubner here." "Oh, the world-famous munitions maker who used to have a factory at Rindlesgard?" "Ja, ja, ja." "I have just captured a traitor to the Third Reich and I am holding her prisoner at Stalag 13 in the quarters of Colonel Klink." "Colonel Fink?" "Not Fink" " Klink!" "Ah, we have a car in that vicinity, mein Herr." "I shall radio them to pick up this traitor immediately." "Heil Hitler!" "Heil Hitler." "Otto, how can you do this to me?" "You're making a terrible mistake." "I did make a mistake." "The Gestapo told me you were suspect, but I did not believe them." "But you have no proof that I gave this information." "I'm sure the Gestapo will find out." "( moans )" "Colonel Fink?" "Uh, not Fink-- Klink." "Is this the prisoner?" "Yes, she is the prisoner." "You will come with me." "I'm glad it's over." "MAX:" "The Gestapo will deal with her in our usual way." "Heil Hitler!" "Does that break up the party?" "Klink, my coat." "Yes, sir." "I must tell you, Herr von Krubner, it was most cunning the way you uncovered that woman." "If I may say so, it was absolutely brilliant, sir-- really." "Yes, but my plant is in ruins." "Yeah, look at it this way." "You may have lost a factory but you gained a vacant lot." "Ah, Herr von Krubner," "I cannot tell you what an honor it has been to have you as our guest." "Thank you, Klink." "I shall just get your driver." "Oh, Colonel?" "Mm-hmm?" "There are still some things we have to clear up about that factory at Rindlesgard." "The rubble for one thing." "And how Heidi passed the information to London for another." "Oh, she probably dropped a postcard to Winston Churchill." "I hope you are this amusing when you are questioned by the Gestapo." "I hope so, too-- those fellows are a lot of laughs." "Herr von Krubner?" "Ja?" "You enjoyed the desert so much, here is some to take home with you." "Ah, this is most thoughtful of you, LeBeau." "Bon appétit." "Ah, Herr von Krubner." "Here's your driver." "Please step this way, sir." "I hope to see you again soon." "It's been a great pleasure having you here." "Thank you, Klink." "Good-bye, Herr von Krubner!" "There goes a wonderful human being." "Charming fellow." "( explosion )" "The car..." "It disintegrated." "Uh-huh." "( alarm sounds in distance )" "I'll bet you that girl planted a bomb in the car." "I can't believe it." "Von Krubner is dead." "Oh, I didn't realize you were that fond of him, sir." "Fond of him?" "There goes my trip to Palm Springs."