"For this wonderful occasion." "And so, another principal proudly take this place on our wall of honor." "Lades and gentlemen Clive Randolph Scampi!" "STUDENT:" "Go, Scampi!" "My dear Farber family I'm... moved to see all of you here for the sole purpose of honoring little old me." "Where are the guys?" "They're going ot miss the..." "Ooh!" "Crab puffs!" "Every day, you make me late." "Every day." "Lisa gave us a teleporter to zap us to school and still we're late." "Snooze alarm-- It's the devil's tool." "[ teleporter whirring ]" "Hey, Lis." "What are you doing here?" "Waiting for the reception." "And now, the proudest moment in this humble educator's career." "[ ceremonial music playing ]" "[ crowd gasping ] [ crowd laughing ]" "GARY:" "Hey, everybody, look." "It's Principal Trampi." "[ laughter continues ]" " Clever." " [ nervous chuckle ]" " Very clever." " [ laughter continues ]" " Hey." " Oh." "Hello, Miss, uh...?" "Tomp... kin... bur... gle..." " Thorpowitz." " Geometry, right?" "The funniest thing just happened." "I was at the vending machine buying a snickers and two of them came out." " You want one?" " You're very kind but I've had all the snickers I can bear for one day." "Yeah, you'd think it'd get easier, wouldn't you?" "I mean, after all, I've endured the japes and wheezes of students for years." " This happens a lot?" " Oh, yes." "From my very first assembly where I was ruthlessly pantsed to those buffoonish impersonations of me at the annual talents shows." "Those meanies." "In this day and age a principal is no more than a glorified babysitter." "I lack the resources and authority to bring these vandels to justice." "Suppose you had some more resources" "A little more authority." "Do you really think you could make a difference?" "I know I could, Miss Tompkinburglethorpowitz." "I know I could." "[ Scampi grunting ]" "The building is secured." "Evidence labeled and sealed." "We found this twinkle wrapper near your vandalized portrait." "I want the FBI to run a trace on that twinkle wrapper." "Have the CIA bug the boys' bathroom in case someone starts bragging." "Call the PTA and postpone the spelling bee 'cause we got us some bad guys to catch." "Okay, okay." "Celebrity lips." "Who am I?" "Don Knotts?" "Michael Keaton!" "Okay, here's an easy one." "Again, I go with Don Knotts." "Julia Roberts." "I can't get any easier than that." " Oh!" " Now, that's Don Knotts." "[ students clamoring ]" "Mr. Donnelly, Mr. Wallace" "I place you under arrest for the crime of vandalism." " Under whose authority?" " How about... the Broad of Education?" "I don't know what Lisa did or why she did it, but I don't like it." "Take them away." "Wait a minute!" "We didn't do anything." "You can't just arrest us out of the blue." "You still got to have evidence." "This was found at the crime scene." "Using the UPC bar code we traced the twinkles' point of sale to Ed's gas and go." "And the security cameras caught all the fun." "Thus, placing you both at the crime scene." "It's purely circumstantial evidence." "It'll never hold up in court." "We should have played the race card." " What race would that be, Gary?" " Uh, the human race?" "You're an idiot." "SCAMPI:" "Welcome, students, to Farber High's Loco for Locomotion Day." " Hmm..." " [ engine turning over ]" " Hmm..." " [ bell clinking ]" "Oh, my God!" "Oh!" "Quick!" "Quick!" "Hurry!" "Push us off the tracks!" "Push us off the tracks!" "We can't!" "We're handcuffed!" " Toss me the keys!" " [ horn honking ] [ people yelling ]" "Toss me the keys!" "Toss me... the keys!" "[ squealing ]" " [ whistling blowing ]" " Move!" "Look out!" " No!" " [ children screaming ] [ grunting ]" "Come on, come on!" "Hey, you come back here right now!" "My, my, my, my, my, what a mess." "Tention." "Attention everyone." "The fugitives have been on the loose since third period." "Now, what I want from you is a hard-target search of every arcade, movie house, fun house and waffle house in the area." "Your fugitives' names are Wyatt Donnelly and Gary Wallace." " [ helicopter whirring overhead ]" " Go get 'em." "Give me one good reason why I shouldn't call Scampi" " and turn you two hoodlums in." " Because we didn't do it!" " [ siren wailing ]" " How can you not believe us?" "Hello!" "Videotape evidence." " I mean, come on." " All we did was buy a twinkle." "Can't you zap up some video evidence of the actual crime?" "Then maybe we can find out who's really responsible." "Oh." "Yeah, I guess I could." "And how about something to eat?" "This whole on-the-lam thing's making my tummy growl." "Let's do both." "What's that?" "Mystic pizza." "It's like a crystal ball." "Gaze into it, and it'll show us who trashed Scampi's picture." "Then we chow down." "[ sniffing ]:" "Sure smells good." "Ooh!" "I'm starting to get an image!" " Why's the picture so crappy?" " Extra cheese." "[ mouthing words: ]" "WYATT:" "There he is!" "The guy's got only one arm?" "Icky." "I guess you guys didn't do it." "Oh, look who just caught up." "Now let's see if your little pizza will get us a good look at this guy's face." "What?" "I can't believe you ate his face!" "[ glass crashing ]" "SCAMPI:" "Give yourselves up, boys." "Your extracurricular activities have come to an end." "Go for it!" "I'll stay here and stall the fuzz." "[ siren wailing ]" "Okay." "Scampi's personal files." "This looks promising." "For academic records, double-click the Book icon." "For attendance records, the Calendar icon." "For a detailed listing of students with bizarre physical deformities double-click the Hunchback icon." "[ double-clicks ]" "There's no one-armed man listed in here." "Hey, look!" "Ed Ferrera's got six toes." " How does that help?" " I don't know." "It's just fascinating." "[ grunting in frustration ]" "Chett?" "Okay." "Where's my arm?" "We might ask you the same thing." "We've been looking for a one-armed man who trashed Scampi's picture and left us holding the bag." "Did you take the fall for that?" "I'm even more of a genius than I thought." "If you're such a genius, how come you only have one arm?" "Well, I discovered your teleporter and I decided that was the perfect way to sneak into Farber and to get some payback on Scampi." "Hmm, twinkie." "My beer." "Hey!" "When it return, it was gone so I figured you two tub-bubblers took it." "Why would we want your disembodied arm?" "It didn't just crawl away." "So, because of Lisa's magic," "Chett lost an arm and we're Farber's most-wanted." "There's got to be some kind of record." "[ can falls ]" " What the hell is that?" " BOTH:" "Scampi." " [ grunts ]" " WYATT:" "Wait for us!" "Later." "It's locked." "SCAMPI:" "Well... like a dog returns ot his vomit so return miscreants to the scene of their transgression." "Great." "Now we're getting blamed for something some dog did." "It's all over but the crying, boys." " But we're innocent." " I don't care." "But we were set up." "It's the one-armed man you want." "Oh, that explain everything." "Believe us." "Chett is the one-armed man." "I happen to know that your brother is a two-fisted drinker" "An activity which requires a minimum of two fists." "Chett lost his arm when he tried teleporting to school." "He picked up a twinkie, and his arm fell off before he trashed your picture." "We saw it in the mystic pizza before I bit his head off." "Mocking me to the better end, huh?" "All I want from you boys is a little respect." "But, uh..." "we do respect you, sir." "In fact, you are the man who taught us respect." "Go ahead, Donnelly." "Pull the fire alarm." "Commit another crime." " Hmm." " Hmm." "Show us how you not only disrespect me" " but how you disrespect yours..." " [ alarm ringing ]" "Oh, hell." "SCAMPI:" "After them!" "But... no running during a fire drill." "Single file, orderly fashion." "[ siren blaring ]" "[ man's voice ]:" "Freeze, dirt bags!" " Funny genie." " Funny, funny genie." "This will sound strange but there is a disembodied arm" " crawling around your bedroom." " It's Chett's." " So Chett is the one-armed man?" " And he won't confess." "If we find his arm, we can hold it hostage and force him to tell the truth." "I still don't know that was wrong with my idea." "Come here, little arm." "Give me a kiss." "This plan can't miss." "[ playing "Heart and Soul" ]" "[ stops playing ] [ resumes playing ]" "[ playing melody ]" "Get him!" "Get him!" "[ shouts ]" "Nail clippings." "Bastards." "SCAMPI:" "Donnelly's got a clean record." "Never missed a day." "And Wallace?" "Too witless to pull off a crime this clever." "Things just don't add up." "And what about the brother and this crazy one-armed man theory?" " Chett Donnelly." " He certainly is a criminal type." "But he's got two arms." "What if he didn't?" "[ phone ringing ]" "Yeah, this is Scampi." "WYATT:" "Remember what we told you by the fire alarm?" "[ snapping fingers ]" "I remember you endangering the public safety." "( whispering ):" "Keep him talking." "You know, Mr. Donnelly running during a fire drill is a hazard." "We're in the library." "[ click, then dial tone ]" "Did you get it?" " Mm-mmm." " No, not enough time." "Damn!" "Well, if there's no more call-tracing to be done" "I have to mop the library." "The library!" "Turn yourself in to Scampi or we hurt the arm." "Indian burn." "Start singing or the arm starts singing." "[ snorts ] Do your worst." "[ groaning ]" "WYATT:" "Crack his knuckles." "I... ain't... talking." "Charley horse!" "Man down!" "Man down!" "Leave me!" "Finish this thing." "I got an itch that needs scratching." "You don't have the guts to scratch that itch." "No!" "Okay." "Okay, I'll confess." "Good, because Scampi should be here any second." "Ow!" "Nipple!" "Nipple..." "That-a-boy." "Well..." "Looks like we got all the characters in our little drama." "Though I didn't expect to see you, Miss Tompkinburglethorpowitz." "Any point in us still trying to convince you we're innocent?" "You know, I was all set to believe you boys..." "But now, I find myself face-to-face with the disappointing reality that your brother indeed does have two arms." "That's right." "Two arms." "Count them and weep." "They clap... they flap..." "they do the disco dance of innocence." "You've got to be freaking kidding me." "There really is a one-armed man." "So what?" "The arm fell off." "It doesn't prove nothing." "It proves you're a liar and that makes you the number-one suspect." " That's good enough for me." " And me." " And me." " Me, too." " Book him, Renfro." " Hey, I'm out of here." "I'm asking you not to run, Chester Donnelly." "Show me some respect just this once." "You got to earn my respect." "I'll handle this." "[ laughing ]" "Is it safe to assume that I've now earned your respect?" "I got to admit, that was pretty cool." "[ laughs ]" "Uh, we're missing part of the suspect, sir." "Attention, people." "Our fugitive has been on the crawl for ten minutes." "It's approximately 27 inches long possessing four digits and an opposable thumbs." "Average hand speed-- over a waxed floor, barring injury" "Is 100 yards an hour." "Our assailant has been known to clasp the male nipple and twist vigorously." "Flak jackets are mandatory." "So are knees pads, elbow pads, shin pads, foot pads..." "Captioned by Grant Brown"