"The Necksercisor hits all the key neck muscles for maximum neck fitness." "Imagine you've got a great pair of abs, but on your neck." "Bye-bye, muffin neck." "You'll thank me come V-neck season." "Uh, V-neck season is year-round." "These are stupid, right?" "Big-time." "But thanks to that pitch, I landed my firm the Necksercisor account, doubling business." "Penny Hartz saves the day." "Number one seller on SkyMall, y'all!" "Penny, you do realize this is not a normal thing anyone should ever use?" "Honey, don't use negative statements." "Hurts the flow of conversation." "Something we learned in couples improv class." "[BOTH GROAN]" "Calm down." "The rules of improv are totally applicable to relationships." "Support your partner." "Never say no." "Always say, "Yes, and..."" "For example, I am a doctor performing a very dangerous surgery." "Yes, and I am a nurse admiring your medical integrity." "So it's not the comedy kind of improv." "Well, this is a lot better than couples yoga." "This is a weird Super Bowl party." "I mean, trust me, I was against couples improv at first." "But once I got there, I discovered I was a natural." "[lN NEW ENGLAND ACCENT] I think we should go to the moon." "[lN NORMAL voice] lt's Kennedy." "MAX:" "No, no, no." "MAN:" "Hey, take it easy." "No, no, no." "WOMAN:" "Hey." "No, no, no." "This will not do. I couldn't find a parking spot. lt is so crowded here." "What is that on your neck?" "Don't care." "Back to my thing." "What is going on at Emma's?" "Emma's made the Time Out Chicago "Hot List" so it's full of tourists." "Tourists ruin everything." "This place." "The Vatican." "PENNY:" "Not all tourists are bad." "In fact, one very special tourist will be joining us tomorrow." "My mom." "ALEX:" "What?" "!" "Dana's coming?" "Awesome." "She makes everything better." "Oh, my God, guys, look at this text she just sent me." ""Sail the oceans of your dreams and be the discoverer of great places." "Happy Columbus Day." She even makes Columbus Day cool." "I love my mom." "We're like Gilmore Girls, We came first, so we're better." "Mom's a cool touring cabaret singer, as opposed to whatever Mom Gilmore did." "Worked at an inn." "Worked at an inn." "With her best friend, Sookie St. James." "They talk so fast on that show." "[♪♪♪]" "And that is why I am one of the few people who can say they played sudoku with Neil Sedaka." "[laughing]" "God, the life of an artist is so exciting." "Well, you're an artist now too." "I love that you and Brad are taking that couples improv class." "And, Alex, ls there something a little bit different about you today?" "No, just doing some neck work." "You know, historically, men prefer a specific neck-to-shoulder ratio?" "That's not true." "You've never looked better." "Hey, Davey." "You look a bit down." "Why so sad en la facha?" "Well, my food truck didn't make it onto Time Out Chicago's "Hot List."" "Oh, robbed." "I know." "All the food trucks there have ethnic flair." "What do I have?" "I'm a boring white guy." "David, America is a melting pot, correct?" "Oh, yeah." "Why don't you go on one of those ancestry websites, do a little research?" "Never know what kind of chunks might be floating around in your stew." "You're right." "Maybe it just so happens I have some unidentified stew chunks." "So, what are you doing in town?" "I don't wanna make a big deal out of it, but I've got a huge gig." "Opening act at the EastComm Arena." "PENNY:" "What?" "!" "What?" "!" "God, it sounds like things are going so great." "They are." "Does Chris miss you when you're on the road?" "Oh, you know how your stepdad is." "After seven years, he's used to it." "And he's got his own stuff going on." "Still doing the cash-for-gold thing and loving every minute of it." "Oh, my God." "Penny Hartz." "I just had the best idea." "What?" "You, me, singing at the EastComm Arena together just like we used to when we had our singing duo!" "Yes!" "Two Hartz Beat as One." "Until you got remarried a few times and we were One Hartz and One Hartz-Hoffman-Johnson Beat as One." "Well, it was a heck of a lot better than Two Hartz Beating as One Johnson." "[laughing] lt is shorter, though." "I'm thinking chicken for lunch." "Yes, and steak." "Yes, and pork." "You can't have pork and steak." "You're not the King of England." "[lN english ACCENT] Maybe I can." "Let them eat cake." "That's Marie Antoinette and France." "Can we stop with couples improv?" "[lN NORMAL voice] No, to keep our edge, we need real-world practice, okay?" "Our final performance is next week." "Oh, cool." "Put me down for no tickets." "Hey, table for three." "All right, let me just get your name, and it looks like the wait will be an hour and 45 minutes." "Great, an hour and 45 minutes." "Because of all the tourists in here?" "I just wanna let everybody know that I will come to your town and eat at your crappy restaurants!" "Get used to this face, America!" "Yep." "BRAD:" "All right, let's go." "I am never coming back!" "Excuse me." "is this a limo tour or something?" "Limo tour?" "No." "Yes." "And you can experience the city the way the rich and famous do:" "In a super old limo." "How much does it cost?" "Sixty, 60 bucks, 60 smackeroos." "And will this very attractive mixed-race couple, clearly from out of town, be joining us as well?" "BOTH:" "Yes!" "[lN NEW ENGLAND ACCENT] And I will retrieve the money from my pocket right now." "Come on, guys." "Great." "That's 60 a head, 80 if your head is larger." "You fall into that category." "Call them as I see them." "What I see is quite a melon with a visor on." "What a great day with your mom." "I mean, she just inspires everybody, even strangers." "My heart melted when she convinced our cabbie to find his birth father." "Pen, right?" "Pen?" "Pen?" "Oh, there you are." "Hi." "You gotta stop using that Necksercisor." "You're jealous because your neck is skinny." "The ad says, "Better neck yourself before you wreck yourself."" "I wrote that. lt's nonsense." "You can't neck yourself." "Can't I?" "Can't I, though?" "MAN [ON recording]:" "Hey, Penny, it's Chris," "Oh, he misses my mom." "Hope you're doing okay," "I'm sure your mom told you about the divorce by now," "But I hope you and I can still stay in touch," "All right, Take care," "Oh, my God." "I'm sorry." "Sit down, ladies, because I'm about to blow your minds." "Did some research, and I am one-sixteenth" "Navajo." "Yeah." "Yeah, I'll just give it a minute to sink in." "[♪♪♪]" "Chris is such a jerk." "I never liked him." "Except for that time he took us to that cool corn maze at the state fair." "That was legit." "But this is unlegit. lllegit?" "Hey, guys." "Dave-o, how did the research go?" "Pretty great. I found out that I am one-sixteenth Navajo." "What?" "That is the lottery of ancestry." "Mom, can we talk?" "Ooh." "Like an old-fashioned gab sesh?" "is this about your sexuality?" "Because I just read that scientists have discovered something called the J-spot." "Now, that's three beyond G, so, you know, you do the math." "Ha, ha, ha." "Kablowee!" "Guys, give us a second." "Okay." "Bye, Dave-Dave." "DAVE:" "Bye." "Look at this cutie." "Look at those purple pants." "Chris left me a voicemail." "You guys are splitting up?" "Oh." "Did I forget to tell you about that?" "Ha, ha, ha." "Come on, I'm moving past it." "This is Captain Dana of the SS Freshstart, telling Detective Penny not to give it a second thought." "Mom-- Oh, plus I've been too busy buying us matching halter pantsuits for our duet." "Come on, sing it with me." "♪ For our duet ♪ ♪ For our duet ♪" "Why aren't you doing harmony?" "♪ For our duet ♪ ♪ For our duet ♪" "♪ For our duet ♪♪ ♪ For our duet ♪♪" "You know what?" "That sounded good!" "I'm excited!" "Tomorrow night!" "I'm gonna go try my suit on." "Okay." "Watch your step, stranger." "Thanks." "Welcome to Chicago." "Now here's a fun fact:" "Chicago was originally nicknamed the "Window City,"" "but another city had that nickname first." "So thanks a lot, Omaha." "Really?" "That doesn't sound right." "Uh..." "Yes, it is true." "We are from Omaha." "And that is a true fact." "Yeah." "We're called the "Window City" because of our famous window museum." "It's a lot of just looking right through to other parts of the museum." "Oh." "See?" "I know things." "So let's go see the Sears Tower." "And I'll show you how it got its new nickname, the Beers Tower." "It's because you're gonna buy me beers there!" "[LAUGHS]" "ALEX:" "So your mom isn't devastated?" "No, she's taking it amazingly well." "Sorry. I can't move on until we address this jacket." "Let's do it." "So this is definitely a Navajo thing?" "And you feel good about that?" "It's a metaphor." "Each fringe represents a tribe." "Each bead, a white man's broken promise." "Plus it's reversible." "This is helping you with a new sandwich?" "Yes, and it is great." "Buffalo meat, green chilies and corn." "Although I couldn't find the Navajo word for "sandwich."" "So I'm calling it Seit'aad, which is an actual sand witch." "A real witch who lives in the sand?" "She who buries her victims in the many dunes." "Okay, I'm ready to move on now." "Yeah, it's weird." "My mom is, like, totally unfazed by this divorce." "Maybe she isn't dealing with her feelings." "Aside from the jacket, Dave isn't completely off." "Spinning something too positively can have a negative effect." "Like how you sold me on that Necksercisor." "Now I can't move the upper part of my body." "I told you to stop using that thing a hundred times." "Did you, though?" "I don't know." "Maybe you guys are right." "Get her to be honest with herself, no matter how hard it is." "It's like my people say:" ""Coyote is always out there waiting."" "is it like that?" "You tell me." "Oh, I got this." "Heh." "All right." "Max, are you actually paying out of money from your own wallet?" "I am flush from all those tours today." "Shouldn't we get a cut of that?" "Your cut is that you're building a strong relationship through improv." "Plus you have money." "Why do you need a cut?" "It's the principle." "Maybe I have a boat fund. I don't know." "I haven't thought about how my boat will have an antique mahogany steering wheel and be called Yeah, Buoy." "Fine, I'll give you a cut." "Nope. lmprovising." "Keep your head in the game, dudes." "I don't need you guys." "I can do it myself." "No, you can't." "We're the talent." "Watch me, by which I mean don't, because you won't be there to watch me because I don't need y'all." "Oh, heh, heh." "Well, then we don't need you as a dinner companion." "Come on, boo." "You ain't right in here." "Oh, I'm right in here and in here." "♪ I'm all out of faith ♪" "♪ This is how I feel ♪" "Hi." "♪ I'm cold and I'm ashamed Laying naked on the floor ♪" "Jump in!" "♪ lllusions never changed into some-- ♪♪" "[music STOPS]" "Mom, I think we need to have a serious talk." "Did you find your J-spot?" "Mm-mm." "I hope you used a bite stick." "Because they were very specific about that in the article." "No, we need to have an honest discussion about the fact that you're getting a divorce." "Oh, that." "Come on." "It's for the best." "Listen, let's talk about the show." "No, no, forget about the show!" "You and your husband of seven years are splitting up!" "Excuse me, miss, remember what I taught you?" "Shouting is bad for your vocal cords, and we have our gig tomorrow." "So if you're gonna be angry, you're gonna have to sing your angry thoughts." "Go ahead." "[sighs]" "♪ You're not addressing ♪" "♪ Some serious emotional And practical issues ♪" "♪ I don't know why You're trying to bring me down ♪" "♪ I'm just keeping it positive ♪" "♪ But you're delusional ♪" "♪ lt's like that time You told me we were camping ♪" "♪ When really we got evicted ♪" "♪ But you learned how to build A garbage-can fire ♪" "♪ And not every 9-year-old Can do that ♪♪" "Mom, I'm worried about you." "It's the first time you've been on your own in years." "Aren't you worried about money?" "I think it's time to think about getting a real job." "A real job?" "I'm playing at the EastComm Arena tomorrow night." "Hello." "Really?" "Tell me the truth about this gig and not, like, your super-positive spin version of it." "♪ Okay, it's a boat show ♪" "♪ But you never know Who might be there ♪" "♪ To give me my big break ♪" "♪ Record execs love boats That's a fact ♪" "You were spinning it." "♪ Well, I hope you leave This negative energy ♪" "♪ Outside tomorrow When we do our duet, ooh ♪♪" "Stop, stop singing, okay?" "I'm not singing a duet with you tomorrow at a boat show." "Okay, Mom, I think it would be really good for you to face reality." "There's nothing to be ashamed of, but you're 50 and your husband left you, and you have a career that isn't going anywhere." "♪ You're right ♪" "♪ What have I done?" "♪" "♪ My whole life has been a waste ♪♪" "[♪♪♪]" "[♪♪♪]" "JANE:" "Oh, it's good" "Hello, Max." "How's the tour business?" "Amazing." "I'm even thinking of expanding, starting a bike tour." "I bring people around and show them famous bikes-- lt's terrible. I brought Scotty in to replace you guys. lt's just been a disaster." "This pedestrian mall that we're standing on right now is actually the site of the Great Chicago Fire of 1 987." "Yes, and I hear if you put your ear to the ground, you can still hear the screams of the victims begging God for death." "The people who walked in couldn't have known they were entering a mass grave." "Which is basically a pile of dead bodies they scoop dirt on top of." "That's not good." "I need you guys." "You're the best improvisers a fake tour guide could ask for." "I mean, you're my Wayne Brady, Jane." "And you're my Greg Proops, Brad." "I'm not that easy." "You're my Ryan Stiles." "Unh!" "Yes!" "Yes!" "Oh." "Thank you guys so much for coming." "My mom is in a really dark place." "And I know you guys are gonna cheer her up." "Brad, we should do that scene we did in class." "He was a blind magician and I was a cellist who couldn't use adjectives." "Go." "Where's my rabbit?" "Describe it to me." "I can't use adjectives." "is this my rabbit?" "No." "We'll play it by ear." "Hey, Mom." "Look, everybody stopped by." "You got any more pub cheese and a bigger spoon?" "Everyone wanted to wish you well before your big show." "Yes." "Break a leg." "It's a boat show, people." "I'm singing at a boat show." "So now you get to perform for people and boats." "No, I chased the dream too long, guys." "Oh, just once I wanted that feeling of rushing off stage at Madison Square Garden, waving to my screaming fans as I'm driven away to my private plane." "Heh, heh, heh." "I guess I'll just have to settle for being booed off stage at a Bennigan's, making my way past truck-stop ho's, piling into a shared-ride van destined for Des Moines via crippling loneliness." "[groaning]" "Ow." "Well, that is worse than anyone thought." "Uh, I mean, hang in there." "There's a silver lining that is right around" "Does someone wanna jump in here?" "Dana, you know what they say:" "[speaking in foreign LANGUAGE]" "Oh, my God." "Dave, do you think you're a real Navajo now?" "Made a few friends at the American Indian Center." "Have you?" "Did that make you cry?" "No." "Because you're not a real lndian, David!" "Native American." "Dana, I have a great idea." "What's that, skinny neck?" "Name-calling's not necess-- DANA:" "You want some?" "You think that improv is gonna save your marriage?" "Doubt it!" "Just wait until the laughter dies and all you're left with is pain, regret, and a Netflix account that you don't know the password to!" "Heh, heh, heh." "And then there's Max." "Snarky, detached, gay Max." "I don't like it when people" "Well, let's see how cute that is when you're alone at 50." "Okay, Mommy's gotta skedaddle." "She's got a few boating enthusiasts to underwhelm." "Check you later." "What did you do to her?" "That was like opposite Dana." "You guys told me to get real with her." "We didn't say to break her spirit." "I don't like it." "Fix her." "Know how I said I wanted you to do a roast of me?" "Please don't. I can't handle it." "It's in the works." "Guys, don't feel bad, she's just acting out." "Alex, I think your neck looks jacked." "Dave, you are one-sixteenth Navajo." "And don't let that white woman take that from you." "Brad and Jane, building a stable marriage through wordplay is nothing to scoff at." "And, Max, you are just an acquired taste." "Like goat cheese or Mr, Bean, Mr, Bean?" "It was on the fly." "On the fly?" "Everybody el" "What am I gonna do about my mom?" "I broke her." "Do what you just did for us." "Spin negative into a positive." "I am good at that." "I mean, I got that from her." "So, what you're saying is I need to pull a Dana." "I need to turn a garbage-can fire into a 55-gallon s'mores machine." "is that what I'm to hear?" "If any of that metaphor means making your mom feel better, then yes." "You don't think I'll be alone at 50, right?" "Oh, come on." "You're not gonna make it to 50." "DANA:" "♪ illusion never changed into something real ♪" "♪ I'm wide awake And I can see my perfect sky is torn ♪" "♪ You're a little late ♪♪" "Oh." "Natalie Imbruglia." "She gets it." "We are a little late, aren't we, boatists?" "And then next thing you know, your perfect sky's torn." "Yeah, just like the ozone." "Why doesn't anybody talk about that anymore?" "It's kind of a big deal." "Talk about boats!" "We're all alone!" "PENNY:" "Not always." "You came?" "Mom, I totally screwed up." "I should never have criticized your positivity." "It inspires people, like how you told me I could have any job Barbie had." "I've had three so far." "Because of you, I'm a positive person too." "It's why I'm good at my job." "And why when I was in that convenience store robbery, I just kept thinking:" ""Hey, at least I'm on TV."" "Because I was, and I looked great." "You sure did." "Yeah." "But you know what?" "I think I could stand to be a little less of a dreamer, Pen." "Oh, Mom, it's what makes you special." "And it's why everybody loves you." "And it's why we all spread the word about the hottest show in Chicago." "MAX:" "Here we go." "Americans and natives." "You came after all those things I said?" "Brought all these people to a stupid boat show?" "We wanted the old Dana back." "And boats aren't stupid." "Know why?" "Why?" "They allow you to sail the oceans of your dreams and be the discoverer of great places." "BOTH:" "Happy Columbus Day." "Come on." "Let's not leave the people waiting." "That lady right there, that's a real famous singer." "[lN NEW ENGLAND ACCENT] She often entertains at our family compound in Hyannis Port." "[lN NEW ENGLAND ACCENT] You want dueling Kennedys?" "You've got dueling Kennedys." "Martha's Vineyard." "Cuba." "♪ I thought I saw a man Brought to life ♪" "♪ He was warm ♪ ♪ He came around ♪" "♪ And he was dignified ♪" "♪ He showed me what it was to cry ♪" "♪ Well, you couldn't be that man ♪" "♪ That I adored ♪" "♪ You don't seem to know Seem to care what your heart is for ♪" "♪ But I don't know him anymore ♪" "♪ There's nothing Where he used to lie ♪" "♪ The conversation has run dry ♪" "♪ That's what's going on ♪" "[CROWD CHEERS]" "♪ Nothing's fine, I'm torn ♪" "♪ I'm all out of faith This is how I feel ♪" "♪ I'm cold and I'm ashamed Lying naked on the floor ♪" "♪ illusion never changed into something real ♪" "♪ I'm wide awake And I can see the perfect sky is torn ♪" "♪ You're a little late I'm already torn ♪" "All right." "♪ Torn ♪♪" "PENNY:" "I'm torn." "Torn." "[CROWD cheering]" "Take a bow." "Okay." "MAX:" "Ms. Hartz, your private plane awaits." "[♪♪♪]" "Oh, no." "No photos, please." "Very important." "No, please." "I don't wanna be on camera." "Oh, no, honey." "There's already a boat called Yeah, Buoy," "No!" "Ugh." "Guess I'm gonna have to rack my brain for days thinking of a new" "Buoys on the Side, Unh!" "ALEX:" "What about Let's Hear It for the Buoys?" "BRAD:" "Oh." "That's adequate." "DAVE:" "How about Buoys n the Hood?" "PENNY:" "Backstreet Buoys?" "BRAD:" "Guys, these are all great ideas, but I cannot afford all these boats."