"(Chesty, rattling cough)" "'You have five new messages.'" "(Beep)" "'Yo, Manny!" "Paul here." "'The annual reggae barbecue on the barge is go." "Repeat, go!" "'Bring Pam, or Sam, whatever her name is.'" " 'Message deleted.' - (Beep)" "'Hey, Manny, it's Richard.'" " 'Message deleted.' - (Beep)" "'The Mannster!" "'" " 'Message deleted.' - (Beep)" "'Er, Manny, Paul again." "'Sorry, I forgot to say - please don't bring 'that grumpy Irish bastard.'" "'Message deleted.'" "You!" "Where have you been?" "It's a busy weekend." "You'll be doing triple shifts." "I was going to see some friends, actually." " Has anyone called?" " No, not a soul." "Nobody rings me these days, Bernard." "It's a mystery, what with you owning sandals and having egg in your beard." "Hey, Manny, guess what." "I bumped into Paul and he's invited me as well." " To what?" " The reggae barbecue." " He said he left you a message." " No." "No one's called here." "Oh, look, you've got a message." "No, that light means the machine needs more salt." "Don't touch it." "Don't touch it!" "Don't touch it!" "(Beep)" "(Woman) 'Manny," " 'it's your mum.'" " Oh, God." "'We left a message to say we were coming for the weekend 'and you didn't ring us back" " 'so we assumed it was OK.'" " What?" "'We should get there some time between 5:45 'and 5:47.'" "Bernard, will it be all right if my mum and dad stay?" "Absolutely not, it's a busy weekend." "B-b-but they're coming!" "They're driving hundreds of miles!" "Arguing about why Auntie Dora snubbed Auntie Nora in 1953!" " What am I gonna say?" " I don't care." " But they-they..." " It's not my problem." "I'm not having my house infected with the kind of specimens capable of producing you." "Bernard." "Can I have a little chat?" "Just for a mo." "No." "Ah." "Ah." "Ah." "Ah!" "Ah!" "Ahh!" "(Clattering crash)" " You are being very mean to Manny." " I can't help it." "He looks like a horse in a man costume." "It's just his mum and dad for a weekend." "Why can't he have them round?" "Yeah, well, that's easy for you to say." "You'll be off on the barge trying to find your booty in a haze of gange an' ting." "How did you know it was on a barge?" "I didn't." "I don't." "I..." "I don't." " I..." " You nasty man." "You've been screening his calls." "Well, he doesn't need friends." "They're bad for him, they make him giddy." "Let his mum and dad stay or I'll tell him." " What if I did?" "Would you help?" " Absolutely not." "(West Indian accent) I be on the boat, far away from the parent-clot." "(Kisses teeth) Cha!" "Fine, they're not staying." "All right, all right, I'll be here." "It'll be fun." "Really?" "Well, I want that in writing." "It'II... be... fun." "Sign it." "Sign it." "Signed Fran Katzenjammer." " All right, all right, they can stay." " Thanks, Bernard!" "That's fantastic!" "They're staying!" "They're staying!" "Aghh!" "I can't breathe!" "The walls..." "The walls are closing in!" " Stop it!" "Stop dying!" " Oh!" "Oh, God." " God!" "Arrrgh!" " It's only your parents." " Oh, God!" "God!" "Arrrgh!" "Arrgh!" " He's hysterical." "Leave him to me." " Ohhh... ohh." " Clear out." "CALM DOWN!" "CALM DOWN!" "CALM DOWN!" "(Screaming)" " (Grunting)" " OK, deep breaths." "(Inhales noisily)" " (Muffled screams)" " CALM!" "CALM!" "It can't be done, I can't clean the shop in time." "Manny, I'm about to pass on a secret known only to women and gay men." "You don't have to clean everything." "You can cover stuff with an Indian throw." "Haja-shazam!" "Brilliant." "Right..." "Haja... haja-whooja!" "(Muttering) Haja... haja... haja..." "Down!" "Down!" "You will be nice, won't you, Bernard?" "(Hollow cracking)" " Quit that!" " Sorry." "My mum does that." "♪ Pardon me, boy Is that the Chattanooga choo-choo?" "♪ Track twenty-nine Won't you give me... ♪" "Stop singing." "Sorry." "My..." "My dad does that." "Everything's fine, Manny." "You're all ready." " Did you wash behind your ears?" " Yeah." " No!" " I'm joking." "Oh." "Oh, I'm not ready, I'll never be ready." "What time is it?" "5:46." "(Both) Manny!" "Moo-Ma!" "Moo-Pa!" "Mwah!" "Mwah!" "Ah-ha-haa!" "Oh-ho-ho." "Ah..." "Ha-ha-ha." "(Gibbers)" "Th-th-the traffic?" "Was it all right?" " Mmm!" " You had a good journey?" " Yes." " Good." "And was it a pleasant trip?" "Good, good, good, good." " So are you... are you well?" " Yes." " Easy." " Easy!" "Easy!" "Well..." "I expect you'll want to beat the traffic." "It's been lovely." "Thank you very much for coming." "See you soon!" "Bye!" " Well, this is nice." " Very nice." "(Hollow cracking)" "♪ Pardon me, boy" "♪ Is that the Chattanooga choo-choo?" "♪ Track twenty-nine Woo... ♪" "(Bernard grunts tunelessly)" "It's so nice to meet you at last, Fran." "Yes." "You too." "The shop's, erm, still called Black Books, I see." "Yeah." "I was gonna call it World Of Tights but you have to spell everything out to people." "Manny mentioned you were making him a partner." "So I thought it might be Black  Bianco Books." " Or Bianco  Black Books." " Yes." "That has a nice ring." "♪ Pardon me, boy" "♪ Is that the..." "Chattanooga choo-choo ♪" "(Grinding crunch)" " Why don't I show you to your room?" " Ah." "You'll probably want to relax, refresh yourselves before we go out." "You're in my room." "It's just at the top of the stairs." "I'll be on the old sofa." "So, er, if you need anything, just shout out," ""Manny-Moo!"" " (Crunching)" " Ah." "Well... seemed to go quite well." "(Bernard laughing)" "(Squeaking)" "Would you like to explain before I turn you into a moo-CORPSE?" "Well, when I write them a letter, I do tend to put a bit of a gloss on things." "Anything else we should know?" "They kept asking me whether I was seeing anyone." "And I did say - and this is a bit of a fib - that I had a girlfriend." "(Fran) Mmm." "What's she like, then?" "Well, she's about... medium height, dark hair, named Fran." "Look, I just want them to be happy." "Just touch me on the knee now and again till Sunday." "OK." "But there won't be any kissing." "Oh, no." "No, no, no, no, no, no." "Ho-ho-hooo, no, no, no, no, no." "No, no, no." "Although, er..." "I rather fancy the tagliatelle with whole baby squid." " That sounds delicious." " Oh, yeah." " Only £17.50." " (Manny) Jesus." "I mean, erm, I heard once that squid can sometimes survive the cooking process and wake up in your stomach and strangle your heart." "Maybe not the squid." "No, the garden salad here is amazing." "That's what we should have." " Excellent." " Oh, well, righto, then." "Where's the wine list?" "Here." "They've got some rather cheeky Lafites for under a hundred quid." "What about the pinot ninor ninor?" "£2.85." "Well, this is lovely." "Yes." "Reminds me of the first time I went to an Italian restaurant. 1965, I think." "I went in, and you know, the first thing I saw..." "Maybe it was 1964." "Couldn't have been 1963 because I couldn't drive then." "I don't think I had the Hillman at that time." "Yes, I bought the Hillman in 1966, the year of the World Cup." "I bought it at an auction." "There was this fascinating chap there..." "Oh dear, I've dropped my fork!" "Excuse me, I'd better get that." "(# Quiet piano music)" "Give me a martini, will you?" "He worked for Sir Leonard Hutton, the great Yorkshire cricketer..." " (Fork clatters)" " Whoops, butter fingers!" "Bernard, don't be like this." "Help him out." "It's just till Sunday." "Come on." "Yes, it was definitely 1963." "Or two." "♪ Pardon me, boy" "♪ Is that the Chattanooga choo-choo?" " # Track twenty-nine... #" " People leave it too late these days," " and I don't think that's wise." " Leave what late?" "Babies." "Why are you mentioning babies?" "Who else do you give a choo-choo too?" " (Fork clatters)" " Oops!" "Give me a daiquiri." "I am not going back up." "I'm going to stay here forever and live on broken bread sticks." "Come on." "It's fun, fun, fun!" " Wine, please." " Lots of wine." " Expensive wine." "Wine." " Wine from the bottom of the list." "Wine!" " Are you sure, Manny?" " The bill was rather a lot." "Would you like us to pay for some of it?" "No, I couldn't let you do that." "He's quite the Mr Moneybags now." " Yes, I..." "It's the least I could do." " Well, thank you." "Well, boys, shall we leave the ladies to it?" " To what?" " I'm sure you've got a lot to talk about." "We'll just settle in next door with a brandy." "Oh." "Ha-ha." "I thought you were serious for a minute." "This is the good stuff, Manny." "Come on!" "Ha!" "Have fun." "I spent most of my time working for the big companies." "But I did dabble at being an entrepreneur, like you two." "Remember, Manny?" "1972, it was." "I got back from that conference and..." "No, 1973, it must have been." "Er, we weren't in the bungalow any more." "We moved into the semi." "Or was it the gatehouse?" "No, I think it was the semi." "More details." "What time of year?" "What jumper did you wear?" "Of course, I went under in '76." "AH!" "That's when we moved into the semi." "Yes." "Oh." "But I'm so proud of you, Manny." "You want your children to do better than you." "Not to..." "Not to work for somebody else but to be in control!" "To Manny and his immense success." "So..." "Manny's good to you, is he?" "Yes, he's a wonderful friend." "Oh." "Yes, I see." "And lover, obviously." "It's a bit strange to talk to you about it." "Well, I was young once." "Oh, well, the sex is unbelievable, he's a beast." "Course, when you're running the show, sometimes you've got to be a bit of a bastard!" "If you'll excuse my French." "Am I right or am I right?" "Yes, Moo-Pa." "Yes." "We had a customer one time and he was shoplifting and he had the nerve to try and sell us the books back!" "(Laughs) What did you do with him, eh?" "I told him, I said, "This... really isn't on."" "Oh!" "I bet those weren't your exact words, though." "I bet it was more like, "Do I look like a donkey?" ""Think you can take me for a ride?" "Thief!" ""Get out or I'll tear you open like a bag of crisps."" "Oh, now look, you've got him excited." " Oh, hello, Moo-Ma." " Time for bed." "Ohhh..." "Doesn't your mother look lovely?" "Eh?" " Right, I'll be off, I'll see you tomorrow." " Oh, don't leave on our account." "I bet you two would like to snuggle up on the couch." " Good night, then." " Good night." " (Moo-Ma) How many did you have?" " Oh, two little ones." "Well, six little ones." " (Door closes)" " My bedroom is next to theirs." "If I hear any nonagenarian hanky-panky, I'm calling the police." "Hmm..." "No." "No, I won't go back in the cupboard." "Egh... ooph." "(Man, whispering) Excuse me." "Now you two can just have a lie-in." "Moo-Pa and I get up early so we cleaned round and opened the shop." " Where's my dress?" " Oh, it's in the wash." "I put yours and Manny's in together." "(Dry retching)" "I had to wash Bernard's separately because they were a bit dirty." "(Bernard) Who tidied my room?" "Who shaved me?" "Who washed my clothes?" "Morning, Bernard." "Oh, God, you're still alive." "Listen, it's, erm..." "Saturday here in London town." "Why don't you nip out and see a few of the sights, or something." " London can be very expensive." " Oh, please." "Here." "Go and see Chitty Chitty Bang Bang." " See it twice." " We couldn't dream of it." "Do you know what we'd like to do in London?" "Anything." "Anything." "Please name it." "Just stay right here with all of you." "Oh, here's Manny in the paddling pool." "So much body hair for a seven-year-old." "Remember, the doctors were always ringing up." "They offered us a lot of money to show you at the university." "Ooh, mmm." "Well, what a day that was." "Absolutely packed with fun-stuffed memories." "But I'm off to bed now." "Thank you." "(Yawns) Me too." "I can barely keep my eyes open." "I'll go home and crash." "Bye." " It's one in the afternoon." " Is it?" "Oh, Christ." "Oh, and here's Manny on his tricycle." "Oh, that's stuck up in the loft now." "Wouldn't it be lovely if somebody else could use it." "(Moo-Ma) Wouldn't it be lovely?" "♪ Pardon me, boy Is that the Chattanooga choo-choo?" "♪" " (Humming melody)" " Manny, can you help us through here?" " Won't take a moment." " Righto." "I'll just..." "Oh!" "(Choking)" "Unless they go in the next hour," "I will tell your mother I am a psycho-biker-junkie whore." " It's just for the weekend." " Not another hour." "Not another minute." "I am about to stop playing "who shall I kill first?"" "And just go for what feels natural." "I think I'll start with me, then it's you." " Make them go." " (Manny breathing heavily)" "(Chokes)" "Erm... it, er... it's a shame that you won't be able to stay." " Isn't it?" " Yes, especially as we don't need to go." "We don't need to go till Wednesday." "Oh." "I'm sorry, that sounds like we're imposing." "Oh." "No." "Erm, no." "Would..." "Would you..." "Would you like to... to stay till... till Wednesday?" " If it's no trouble." " Wonderful." "(Giggling) Yes!" "(Squeaking) Yeah." "I'll just..." " And?" " Erm..." " Well, the thing is..." " Yes?" "They've gone!" "Er, I told them to go... and they went." "(Both sigh)" "Oh, I feel a bit bad now." "Still, it's too late to change it." "Well!" "If I'm going to be here till Wednesday," "I can get cracking on this sink!" "I think I'll need my multi-tool." "Have you got a multi-tool, Bernard?" "Couldn't live without mine." "How long did you think that was going to last, Manny?" "I was hoping for about five minutes." " Ah!" " (Slap)" "Moo-Ma, Moo-Pa." "The thing is, I haven't been completely straight with you." "See..." "I'm not a partner in the company." "And..." "Fran... isn't my girlfriend." "I'm just a bloke that works in a bookshop and spends his evenings eating cereal." "And I know you'll be angry with me and you'll want to go." "Oh, Manny, you don't have to invent things to make us happy." " We love you whatever you do." " Well..." "Erm, bearing that in mind, could you go now, please?" "We are terribly busy." "Sorry." "That's just how it is." "Well, I'm sorry to hear that, Manny." " We'd better head off, then." " We wouldn't want to be a burden." "Especially not to you." "Your mother was busy raising you when she gave up her job." "They wouldn't take her back, you know." "(Moo-Ma) Come along, darling." " Manny's busy." " Mm." "No, no." "We all need a proper chance to catch up." "It's too difficult here in London." "Why don't I come up to you?" " I could have a holiday, couldn't I?" " Sure." "Take the week." "Well, it's a deal, then." "Auntie Nora will be there." "And Auntie Dora, of course." " See you then, darling." " Bye, Moo-Ma." " Ha-ha-ha-haaa!" " Bye." "Ha." "(Manny) Bye." "(Sighs)" "Well, they're gone." "OK?" "Yeah." "Just imagine, you'll get a whole week with them, all to yourself." "Heh-heh." " (Manny) Noooo!" " (Fingers cracking)" " (# Both hum Chattanooga Choo-Choo)" " A week!" "A week!" "What have I done?" " (Moaning) - # Pardon me, boy" "♪ Is that the Chattanooga choo-choo ♪"