"Hi, dad." "Hi, Ben." "I'll tell you something, dad..." "This world can be cruel." "What's goin' on?" "Wh-wh-why you uhh..." "You know Jimmy Salare who I went to school with and still lives on Beechwood." " He still lives around the block." "He was in front of the store and he said something to me." "Yeah." "He called me a sissy." "Like he used to." "And then his son said it too." "Well, you know, you-you..." "I mean, don't you reach a point at a certain age when you don't call someone a sissy anymore and you start using swears?" "That's true." "You should tell him to grow up." "Ha ha ha!" "What did you say?" "I pretended I didn't hear him." "Then he started shouting it." "So that backfired." "Yeah." "Well, I did come back and I told him to step back 'cause I'm joining the military." "And did he believe you?" "Yeah, he called me a sissy again." ""Wow, I didn't know they take sissies in the military."" "Yeah." "So, at the end when I was walkin' away," "I said, "Hey, at least I'm not doin' nothing with my life."" "That's tellin' him, Ben." "Yeah." "But that also backfired pretty quickly." "Why?" "Well, I'm doing nothing with my life." "You're going into the military, Ben." "Dad, I'm not kidding." "I mean, maybe I said that in the heat of the moment but when I was walking home afterwards," "I'm thinking it's not a bad idea." "I'm gonna join the Army." "Or the Navy." "Or both." "Well, it actually might be a good experience for you." "The military needs more sissies." "I could change the whole complexion of the military." "And then I was thinkin', dad, if I joined the army..." "I could kill Jimmy Salare." "That's true." "I would get a pearl-handled sidearm, like Patton..." "Mm-hmm." "And I'll shoot Jimmy Salare." "I'm in full uniform, who they gonna believe?" "I wouldn't mention that to the recruiter." "What, that I-I'm joining 'cause I want to commit murder?" "I would think that would be a good thing." "Hit me in the stomach as hard as you can, dad." "No." "No, I'm serious." "No, I'm not programmed to do that." "Hit it right here though, right in the center." "Ahhhhh." "I didn't feel that." "Hit it harder." "Let me take a good shot, here." "Well, don't wind up, that's how Houdini died." "What's my favorite type of movie, though, honestly, dad?" "Uh, "Sissy Boys Go to Hell"?" "Ha ha ha!" "Hi, I-I'm Ted Alexandro." "Could you have a seat, please?" "Okay, so I'll just be over here if you need me." "Okay." "You know, I can't help but ask." "You look very fam... did I go to high school with you?" "I don't think so." "I could have sworn 'cause you..." "God, I think we did." "Well, where did you go to school?" "I went to St. Francis Prep." "Where?" "St. Francis Prep." "I've never heard of it." "Never?" "No, never." "Because there's just a girl who sat behind..." "Can I sit... can I sit behind you for a second?" "No." "You know, it might have been..." "Did you ever go to a football game at St. Francis Prep?" "No." "A basketball game?" "I've never been to St. Francis Prep." "You know what I think it might have been?" "What?" "The Dance-A-Thon at St. Francis Prep, 1987 charity fund-raiser?" "Yeah, that was it." "The B-52s." "We danced together, didn't we?" " So, are you going to homecoming?" " Mmmmm." "Ten years comin' up." "♫ On for old St. Francis, on red and... ♫" "I'm sure some of your teaching experience, was pleasant." "Yeah." "To me, like the funniest thing was watching little kids try to say the pledge of allegiance." "Mm-hmm." "'Cause they don't know what the hell they're saying." "They try to say it right but it will come out like anything." "They'll be like," ""And Tuna Republic four midgets stand one Asian, wonderbra invisible library injustice for all."" "And then the other kids will correct him like," ""It's not 'Four midgets stand', it's 'Four witches stand, one Asian wonderbra'." "So stupid."" "I think my favorite teachers were probably art teachers." "Mm-hmm." "They were so bizarre, you know?" "They were like the homeless people of the faculty." "All dishevelled and dirty, just always digging through the garbage looking for bottles and egg cartons and things." "Just always making announcements when you're on your way out the door already..." "They'd be like," ""People, people..." "listen up..." "Pe... ge... get him." "If any of your neighbors or relatives have any paper towel rolls start bringin' 'em in..." "We're going to be making vases for Mother's Day."" "And it always backfired on me, because around mother's day my mom would get all depressed and start yellin' at us how we were selfish and only thought of ourselves." "Mm-hmm." "Which only made it worse 'cause then, you had to whip out the paper towel roll, like," ""Huh?" "You were saying?" "And I believe this pasta necklace is yours too."" "I think that the best part of all when you're in grammar school..." "Has gotta be when you get a sub." "When you get a sub it is like pandemonium." "As soon as the sub walks in the door the rules fly right out the window." "Everybody's changing seats, it's like," ""Sit anywhere!" "She'll never know!" "How could she know, she's a suuub!"" "Right, you do that little sub dance..." "Even the kids who couldn't dance would be like, you walk in like, "What, do we have a sub?"" "Uh-huh!" "And there was always one part of the sub's name that could be made fun of..." "Yeah." "Mrs. Tittleman." "Mrs. Dinglehoffer." "I think that's how you got to be a sub." "The review board was like," ""I'm sorry Mr. Smith, we just don't have any work at this point." "Mr. Wilcox..." "Right this way!"" "Hey, dad, can you keep it down?" "I'm trying to watch the news here and there's so much conflict going on now, you know." "It's just like, ridiculous." "Yeah." "But I'll tell you something, this guy's gotta be stopped." "Oh, that's for sure." "But my feeling about all this conflict in the world is that it can be resolved in a peaceful manner, you know?" " No no." " Just by talking things out." "Oh, come on." "You know, I make my living solving problems by talking so it's very hard for me to think that the world can't do that." "What a sissy." "I mean, at this point, right now, dad, where we stand..." "Right." "I would not be surprised if we went to DEFCON-4." "What is DEFCON-4?" "DEFCON-4 is the final moment before we..." "We launch?" "We press the buttons." "You know, before this administration, there was no button." "It was all manual." "Ha ha ha, you had to crank." "But you know what, dad?" "Right now, in my life," "I don't have a lot goin' on." "Right?" "Mm-hmm." "So, is the military that bad an option for me?" "I don't really think you understand the concept of boot camp, you know?" "It's not really like camp." "Hmmm." "No softball?" "No." "And you didn't like camp." "You came home after 3 weeks with pink eye, you remember that?" "Yeah, that was hell." "And the camp director was trying to convince us that it had to do with kids peeing outside of the bunk, you know?" "Right in my eye." "Ha ha ha!" "Y'know, Laura, may I say something to you?" "Could you have a seat, please?" "C-c-c-can-can I tell you something?" "I have a feeling you're going to." "Okay, okay." "I-I-I'm sure a lot of people think that you're not warm or you're unenthusiastic or whatever." "You know how I find you?" "I find you refreshing, authentic, and... sweet." "Really?" "Wow!" "Uh-huh." "Thank you." "Don't don't..." "That's really nice." "Ay, be careful there." "Tell me to shut up or sit down or somethin'." "Can you sit down now?" "Yes, that's it." "Seriously, could you sit down?" "Yes, ma'am, yes, I will." "Are you like really crazy or like..." "You're sweet." "Tell me how are you sleeping." "Are you sleeping okay?" "You seem well-rested." "Yeah, I had a great night's sleep and I dreamed a lot too." "Do you want to tell me about it?" "I was aware that I was gonna have an interview with Laurence Olivier and I was a little nervous about it." "I don't blame you." "I went in and he..." "We had some exchange right away it was a little funny and then he made me feel right at ease, he was very talkative." "That was a gift he had." "Yeah?" "And what do you think that dream was about?" "Jeez..." "I don't know." "Was your father's approval important to you growing up?" "I-I-I worshipped my father, I kind of imitated him." "Mmmm." "Were you getting at something, did you..." "No, I'm just trying to help you figure out what that dream means." "Mm-hmm." "Freud said it's the dreamer not the dream." "Hmm." "He knew how to stop a conversation, Freud." "Hi, Laura." "Hi." "How you doin'?" "Hmm?" "Do you have something in your teeth?" "Why?" "You got a problem?" "Well, you keep sucking on them." "Have you ever been called a sissy, Laura?" "No." "You're never gonna believe this, but yesterday," "I was walking home from the store, right?" "Yeah." "This guy, who I know, calls me a sissy." "Oh, I hate that." "I thought you said you never got called a sissy." "Yeah, but I hate guys that call people sissies." "Well, I called him one back." "Well, I hate that." "Well, he called me one." "Then you're no better than he is." "No, I'm a little better." "You have to think of something better to say." "I called him a chump once, I think." "Chump is good." "I like chump." "So was your father's approval important to you, growing up?" "I know I just asked you that." "Are you kidding?" "You didn't, you weren't..." "You know what, this pen isn't writing, I'm sorry, Jeff." "But you don't have to refer to your notes to refresh your memory about something I just told you, do you?" "I do listen, but you know, sometimes listening and retaining information are two very different skills." "But I'll bet it's true..." "I'll bet you see..." "I mean, how often..." "How much are you in here?" "You see people just one after another, like a car wash." "It must be boring, tedious and uh..." "I love my work." "I love delving into the realm of the unconscious." "In fact, I think I might be slipping into that realm right now." "Okay, well, I feel bad that I'm not entertaining you." "No, that's no..." "That's me, that's my thing I feel like I..." "You don't have to entertain me, Jeff." "That's not the arrangement." "You come here and you pay me in exchange for which..." "Ahem, well, let's come back to that." "It's not that I don't want you to." "Umm." "I just know that you won't." "No, I mean, look, the only problem I have, right?" "Mm-hmm." "With joining the military is I have flat feet." "Do you?" "Take a look at these!" "Yeah, I also have smelly feet." "Yes!" "My bunkmate's gonna be pissed off." "No, because I was gonna ask you... yes?" "If it's important to you to be liked." "If I were to be honest..." "The answer would at least, in some large percentage, would have to be "yes"." "I'm trying to leaven that..." "Mm-hmm." "With a little healthy and mature sense of myself." "See what I mean, am I talking too generally?" "No, I think what I hear you saying, Jeff, is that you want to be graded on a sliding scale, like everybody else." "Ha ha ha." "But that your approval rating is down six percent." "Okay, before I go, Laura, I want you to do me a favor." "What?" "Take your best shot." "Really?" "Ow, take your best shot right here at Ben." "Okay!" "Right here in the stomach..." "Not the stomach, the arm." "My dad hit me in the stomach this morning." "Look at the raspberry." "Wow!" "Punch me in the arm, right here, as hard as you can." "Alright." "Go ahead, take your best shot." "I'm sure... just..." "You're a girl, but I'm sure you..." "Maybe that you got..." "You're packin'..." "Alright, here we go." "God, Laura!" "Again?" "Shut up!" "Let me ask you, have you seen these cops on bikes around here?" "Yeah, I've seen them." "Aren't we getting a little too recreational here?" "I mean, what's next, the cop on a pogo stick?" "It'll be like, "Pull over!" "Pull over!"" "I would think the squad car cop is to the cop on a bike as the sketch artist is to the Etch-A-Sketch artist." "It'd be like," ""Okay, what'd he look like?" "Okay." "Mm-hmm, right, okay." "Was he going downstairs, by chance?"" "Do you do any dream analysis, Dr. Katz?" "I do, but that's extra." "I had this dream the other day, that I was makin' out with my cousin..." "Yeah." "Can you read anything into that, doc?" "I'm trying, I think..." "It's not so much what that dream means to me." "It's what it means to you, and ultimately to your cousin." "Right." "But it also could be a longing for a familial closeness that you're missing in your life." "Yeah, I can see some validity to that." "Mm-hmm." "But, why her?" "I have other cousins that are more attractive." "You gotta start somewhere." "You know, Dr. Katz, I'm single..." "And occasionally I'm asked the question," ""So what are you, gay?"" "Which bothers me, not because I dislike gays or think there's anything wrong with being gay." "But why does it immediately have to be that?" "Mm-hmm." "You know, Batman, superman..." "They were single." "Did ya ever think of that?" "I might be a superhero." "No, you're absolutely..." "What?" "Maybe the demands on my time are such that a relationship, as much as I'd like one, is out of the question right now." "Maybe my love for this great Metropolis supersedes whatever petty need I have for intimacy." "Umm..." "Hey, Todd." "What's wrong, man?" "You look uncomfortable." "Yeah, can I use the john?" "Oooh oooh." "The latrine?" "You know I can't let you use the bathroom." "What are you talking about, you can't let me use the bathroom?" "See the sign over the "late fee" sign?" ""Customers can't use the restrooms."" "Right." "Yeah, but, Todd, I'm not a customer." "You sure are a customer, you're a very good customer." "Well, buddy, and I call you "buddy" 'cause I..." "'Cause you need to use the bathroom, I understand." "Yes." "You're my buddy now." "Come on, Todd, I know there's a sign and I know there's a policy but policies are made to be broken, I mean, I..." "You know how many policies I broke today?" "Hey, if it were my store you totally could use the bathroom." "Well, where's Vic?" "Vic's actually in the bathroom." "How long's that gonna take?" "He's reading the new Leonard Maltin Guide in there." "That's over a thousand pages." "Yeah." "Y'know, I got hit in the stomach by my father." "Accidentally, I hope." "I asked him to." "You wanted to get punched in the stomach?" "Well, it was..." "It was a test of will." "What's that thing on your arm?" "Um, I got hit." "You got hit again?" "Yeah, yeah." "Not by my dad, this time." "Who hit ya this time?" "Look, this is a little embarrassing." "I just want to go to the bathroom and then get outta here and maybe rent a video, how 'bout that?" "I'll tell you what, if you let me punch you..." "Are you serious?" "I'll look the other way." "Because that way I can justify it." "I can say, "Hey, I punched him, I work here."" "Well, you know what?" "I'm gonna pee right here, because this is crazy." "I will c..." "I'll call the cops." "There's no way outta this, right?" "I gotta get hit!" "You don't have to get hit, you just won't get to use..." "All because some guy called me a sissy." "When does it end?" "Huh?" "Someone called you a sissy?" "Just hit me." "Alright, where do you want me to," "I'll let you choose where I hit you." "That's how nice I am." "Alright." "The ass." "You want me to punch your ass?" "I kind of do, yeah." "I mean only because it's the most padded part of my body." "Hmmm." "What if someone comes in and you're punching my ass?" "What if someone comes in and you're using the bathroom?" "Alright, go ahead, punch." "Okay." "Boom." "I peed!" "Ben, you know a lot of these wars that happen today happen on computers..." "Right." "One guy pushes a button and several people die." "See, that's good for me because I'm not a gun guy, you know?" "Or a knife guy." "I'll tell you, when I get going in the military..." "Mm-hmm." "I'm gonna do hand-to-hand stuff." "Y'know, it's hard to go through life..." "Being a timid non-violent..." "Somewhat fearful individual..." "Well dad, you seem to have the hang of it." "I know what you're doing and I think what's important for me is that you understand the difference between being manly..." "Well, you know..." "And being a man." "Well, dad, you're saying that I'm, uh, you know, you're saying I'm soft." "I'm not saying you're soft." "I'm saying that you..." "Well, you said I'm timid, non-violent..." "Didn't you say soft?" "No." "Oh." "I said timid, non-violent, and fearful." "I never used the word soft." "I'm not those, I'm soft." "Oh." "Fluffy... cute." "Let me ask you this, Ben, because I think a lot of this, is all has..." "It's you wanting to know what you're made of, really." "Yeah." "Would you lay your life on the line for me?" "No." "Would you lay your life on the line for me?" "I absolutely would in a heartbeat." "You would?" "I would take a bullet for you and bring it wherever you would like." "Ha ha ha." "No, I would lay my life on the line in a second." "Would you play Russian roulette with me, right now?" "No." "But thank you for asking." "So bottom line, dad, what do you think?" "I should join or I should refrain?" "I say, refrain, you know?" "Don't think of it as retreat." "Think of it as having the courage not to join." "So what do I do, let's say I see Jimmy Salare tomorrow on the way back from the store and he calls me a sissy." "What do I say?" "You can't let him get to you, Ben, because, think about what kind of miserable wretch would call a 25-year-old man a sissy." "What kind of suffering is going on inside that mind." "I'd like to know and then use it against him." "Well, maybe you can ask him." "So I should say..." "I'll be Jimmy Salare." "Okay." "Hey, sissy boy!" "Sissy boy Katz!" "Hey, Jimmy, let me ask you a question." "Shoot." "No, you gotta cut me off with more sissy stuff..." "'Cause he wouldn't let me." "Hey, Jimmy, let me ask you a question, seriously." "Yeah." "Nice blouse!" "I don't know." "I'm not wearing a blouse." "Okay." "Look, I'm new at this, Ben." "Okay." "Jimmy?" "Yes, sissy boy." "I don't know what kind of suffering you're going through right now in your life, that you feel the need to call me a sissy." "I'm trapped in a very... wait a second, I'm not done yet." "Okay." "But let me tell you something." "Yeah?" "Calling me a sissy's not going to help you..." "Feel better about myself?" "Feel better about yourself." "Ha ha ha." "Now, here comes the question for you, Jimmy, here comes the question..." "Okay." "Or is it?" "Ha ha ha." "One of the things I need to work on is..." "It kind of boiled down to an issue of patience." "Really?" "I suffer a little bit from lack of patience." "Can you be a little more specific?" "Can you give me an example of what you're talking about?" "Well, umm, let me see... if I were to give you a specific..." "I mean, I believe you." "Nothing is... nothing is..." "Springing... springing to mind." "Well, okay, something occurred..." "I mean," "I was in the post office the other day, I'm in line and, you know, I'm waiting..." "I was waiting there for..." "I was there like five hours and I almost left." "I really did." "Well, that, Jeff, is a problem with the postal system, more than your impatience." "Wow!" "You know, I might be..." "I might be extremely patient in fact." "I'm writing down "too patient"." " "Too patient." I'm too patient." " T-o-o." "Oh, you think I am?" "Do you think it might be a problem, that I'm too patient?" "No, I'm putting a question mark after that." ""Too patient" question mark." "And then I'm writing under that "to patient" t-o patient." "I gotta throw this pad out." "Dr. Katz, you ever ask someone how they're doing and then you upgrade their response?" "Yeah." "It's like, "Hey, how's it going?" "Alright." "Good." "Good, bumped ya up." "How's it goin'?"" ""Good." "Great!" "Upgraded ya."" "Sometimes people are a little too happy you have to downgrade them." "It's like, "How's it going?" "Phenomenal."" "Okay." "Bring it down a coupla notches 'cause you're a little too happy and it's irritating." "So I'm catholic, Dr. Katz, I'm a catholic boy." "A good catholic boy, some might say." "I go to church every now and then." "Mm-hmm." "Preacher's preachin', choir's singin'..." "You look up at the crucifix and you think, man, Jesus had great abs." "You know what I mean, right?" "'Cause he was cut." "He was in shape." "That's what you want in a savior." "You want him to be in shape." "'Cause... have you seen Buddha?" "Sloppy." "Right." "Sloppy, sloppy, sloppola." "We're gonna have to stop now." "Our time is up."