"Maybe I'm stupid." "Maybe the jury's stupid." "So many things don't add up." "You say you were in a restaurant." "You ate alone." "But no one remembers you." "And the flowers..." "The flowers..." "It seems very odd that you would send your wife flowers and not include a card." "Whenever I sent my wife flowers, I always wrote a card." "Objection!" "When did you ever send me flowers?" "I sent you flowers." "Name me one occasion when you sent me flowers." "After your mother died." " A wreath doesn't count." " Of course it does." "Does that count?" "My Lord, does that count?" "It's still flowers." "You asked, when did I ever send you flowers." "Let's stick to the fact, shall we?" "Shove your fact and your flowers..." "Order!" "I order you... to kiss and make up." " My Lord?" " You heard me." "Hello?" "Oi." "Hey, how're you doing?" " Nervous." " Why?" " Bug night, tonight." " Why, what's happening?" " Filming the sitcom." " What sitcom?" "My sitcom!" "You're coming down!" "Oh, yeah." " I thought it was next week." " No, it's tonight, 7:30." "Then every thursday for six weeks." " Put it in your diary." " I haven't got a diary." "It's a figure of speech." "You do the speech?" "This has been helpful, I'm glad I called." " Let me know how it goes, eh?" " You're coming down!" "Alright, then." "What time does it start?" "7:30." " Alright then." "Bye." " Alright." "Cheers." "Alright, see you later." "Bye." " Hiya." " Hi." " What were you rolling your eyes at?" " Just at that lot, all..." "Fawning all over you." "That must get a bit exhausting, eh?" "Yeah, it can be pretty exhausting." "Especially 'cause they're just doing it 'cause you're famous." "Well, they're not doing it just 'cause I'm famous." "No but it is though, innit?" "No." "Smart looks as well." "I still think they wouldn't be acting like that if you weren't a film star." "Yeah, I think they pretty much would, I've always had attention." "No, all I'm saying is, if you were the prop boy, you'd just get ignored." "What, with this face?" "I wouldn't get ignored." "I'll tell you who does get ignored." "Johnny Depp." "On the set of Pirates of the Caribbean, the buzz birds would just walk straight past him." ""Get out of the bloody way, whoever you are, we wanna get to Orlando."" "They ran to me like flies around shit." " They ignored Johnny Depp?" " Yeah." "They go: "Orlando, who's that freak over there that we didn't notice?"" "I'm going, "It's Johnny Depp", and they go "Pff, who cares?"" ""You were Legolas in Lord of the Rings!"" "Ooh, look at me, I'm in arthouse movies!" "Oh, I've got scissors for hands!" "Willy Wonka?" "Johnny Wanker." "Hey, buddy." "Alright?" "How's it going, all set?" "I'm not sure I'm doing the right thing." "This is not the comedy I signed to do." "I wanted to write something..." "real, that people would rely to, and it's all changed 'cause people stuck their nose in it." "I'm hearing you." "Alright, but you know what?" "This is typical first night nerves." "You're thinking, "the script is not funny, it's crass, it's lowest common denominator", and you're right." "But don't worry about it, 'cause people will watch anything." "Particularly if it's right after "Eastenders", they haven't got to change the channel." "Those sort of morons will help us win the ratings war." "And you know, ratings in the end are what count." "And merchandise." "It's no account to me, alright?" "I wanna write a good credible comedy that will stand the test of time." "Okay, I agree, I said that 'cause I thought that's what you wanted me to say." "Well don't." "Tell the truth." "Well I will, and the truth is, if you're not happy," " I'm right behind you." " Right." " And I've got the perfect replacement." " For what?" "For you, for your character." "It's only Barry." "Alright, Shaun?" "He's all set, knows all the lines, he's ready to go, he can step in." "What's your character catch phrase?" "Not a catch phrase." "Something the real Ray did actually say." "What was it?" ""You're having a laugh?" "Is he having a laugh?"" "Look at that." "Nothing." "Stoney face." "I love a giggle, me, I love a laugh, don't I?" "You do it." ""You're having a laugh?" "Is he having a laugh?"" "He's good, I don't know how he comes up with it." "He didn't come up with it." "The thing about Barry is, I've noticed this, people will laugh at him." "They never laugh with him." "That's extraordinary." "Look at that face." "They's a sort of undercurrent of tragedy to it." "Do it." "I love it because he's desperate." "Yeah, the role's taken." "Cheers." "***, hello." "How's it going, alright?" " Everything alright?" " I think so." "Damon?" "Yeah, everybody's in, rehearsal should kick off about 20 past." "Just one teeny itsy wincy little hiccup." "Paul Shane's dropped out." "Why?" "He was worried it was a little bit too broad." "Paul Shane thinks this is too broad?" "Right." "Well, it's only a little part, isn't it?" "We've got a replacement." " Keith's on its way." " Keith?" " Keith..." "Chegwin." " Keith Chegwin?" "!" "Can he act?" "He's a tv presenter, isn't he?" "We thought it would add a nice little bit of extra kitsch value." "Right." " See, that does annoy me a little bit." " Why?" "If you're looking for a podgy fellow, who'd do anything to get on the telly..." "Barry!" "You were trying to get him my part a minute ago!" "But he's versatile, he's multitalented." "You never even saw his one-man version of Romeo and Juliet!" "Do a bit for him, will you?" "O, wilt thou leave me so unsatisfied?" "What satisfaction canst thou have to-night?" "The exchange of thy love's faithful vow for mine." "I gave thee mine before thou didst request it:" "And yet I would it were to give... again." "It always gets me a bit." "Maggie." "Hello." "You're not still an extra, are you?" "God that must do your head in." "You know, I'm an actress now." " How long have you been an extra?" "Supporting artist." " How long have you been doing that?" " Well... about 18 months." "Got my nose plucked out of the cesspool." "No disrespect." "None taken." "I've got a scene acting with Orlando Bloom?" " He's gorgeous." " Well..." "I just did a scene with him." "No, but..." "I mean, not an actual scene with dialogue." "You were just a fuzzy bloke in the background." " No disrespect." " None taken." "Again." "Hang on." "Oh, it's Matty Bauer." "I've just got to take this." "Hello, darling." "Listen." "Look, Matt, can I just call you back?" "Sorry, I'm just with a friend." "Yes, she is female." "He says, can I take a picture of you?" "Hold on a sec." "I'll text it to you." "You're a dirty old man." "Bye." "He's not old." "He's 28 and he's got his own yacht." "So..." "He's quite a catch." "So, where are you living at the moment?" "Have you got your own place?" "Yes, I've got my own place." "'Cause you were renting before." "That grotty little council place behind Londis." " I'm still there." " You're well, though." " Surprisingly." " Well, that's the main thing." "Even if you've got nothing else, at least you've got your health, eh?" " At the moment." " Yeah." "Talking of bad luck, did you hear about Barbra?" "Trev has left her for a younger model." "She is devastated." "Honestly, all alone." "Crying herself to sleep every night in that big house." "She has got her own house, at least, which is something." "Good for her." "Oh, that'd be Matsy." "No." "Nevermind." "Oh, he's late again." "Alfie's gonna be in so much trouble." "Well, I'm not carrying the can for him again." "He's no excuses this time." "Mr Stoke said if he's late one more time, he's gonna give him the brush off." "Oh, here he is." "Alfie, not again!" "Why are you late?" "Because I buried my sister today." "Yep, great." "Let's move on, next scene." "Sorry, I don't want to interfere." "Is that how he's gonna do it?" "Cause it's gotta be a sad line, "I buried my sister today"." "He was smiling." "It's gotta be an emotional..." "Hang on, everyone." "Sorry Keith, can we try that again?" "You were smiling, mate." "It's..." "They all sort of think you're a joke 'cause you're always late, but today you've got a valid reason, you buried your sister." "It's sort of like a..." "It's like an emotional point." "Could we do it again?" " Yeah, no worries." " Okay." "Sorry." "You're smiling again." "You mustn't smile, you're sad." "Okay?" "You've just been to a funeral." "Okay, in you come." "Alfie, not again!" "Why are you late?" "Because..." "I buried my sister today." "Don't look at the camera." "You can't, mustn't look at the camera." "Ok?" "It sort of breaks." "This is real life." " Alright." " Go again." "Okay, in you come, action." "You're smiling." "Sad." "You look straight at the lense again." "Good, double one, mate." "On again." "Action." "Alfie, not again!" "Why are you late?" "We can't see you, Keith!" "You've gone too far, okay?" "You've got to stay on that blue mark." "That's for you to stand on." "'Cause that's where the camera... is pointing and then we can see your face." "So, just to recap." "Come in, not smiling, 'cause you're sad, you just buried your sister." "Don't look at the camera and stand on that mark." "So we can see you on the telly." "Okay?" " There is a lot to remember, eh?" " There is a lot to remember." "It's called acting." "Action." "Sad!" "Too far." "Left a bit." "Don't look at me?" "Look at her asking the question." " Why are you late?" " Because my sister buried me today." "Oh, for fuck's sake, why would your sister bury you?" "That'd be mental!" "Sorry, I got sort of confused." " Thing is, my sister's not dead." " What?" "I told'em when I started." "My sister." "She's not dead." "Do you mean, in your real life?" "Yeah." "Presume you didn't work in a factory all your life." " No." " And your name is not Alfie." "Yeah." "That's another thing." "Sometimes..." "I don't know who's talking to who." "Would you rather be called Keith in this?" "It would help." "Okay everyone, we're changing Keith's character name from Alfie to Keith." "Ok good, let's go again." "This time, then." "In you come, Keith." " Keith me or Keith the character?" " Same person!" "Keith, you and Keith the character." "Only one Keith, okay?" "In you come." "Action!" " The door's stuck." " That's lunch!" "Okay." "No, okay." "Bye." "Yeah, sister called to do a small part in a film," "I had to let them down, I'm too busy." " Oh, I wonder if they'd want you?" " No, I wouldn't have thought so." "Hang on, let me give them a call." "Try and help my bloody mate." "You need the help." "Hiya Pauline, about that job..." "I've got a friend who's available." "Does she have to be good looking?" "Does she?" "I don't know, late thirties, early fourties?" "I'd say... mousy." "But..." "But lovely girl." "Great personality." "Desperate for anything." "No?" "Alright, well, I tried." "Okay, cheers." "Sorry about that." "It's not your lucky day." " You're okay?" " Yeah." "I'm back again." "Fourteen years I did here at the BBC." "Swap Shop." "Cheggers Plays Pop, all sorts." "Still run by jews and queers, is it?" " It's... what?" " This place." "It's still run by jews and queers." "I think there are some jews people." "And some gay people, yeah." ""Gay"." "Ethical." "Not meant to say "queer", are you?" "Suggests something abnormal." "What could be more normal than shoving your cock up a bloke's arse?" "I put it this way:" "if God had wanted a cock up an arse, he wouldn't have given us minges." "Men have knobs." "Women have fannies." "Pop, knob in fanny." "Not up the arse." "Good." "That's me making notes." " You want?" " No, thanks." "It's all good advice." " Hiya." " Hello again." "What're you reading?" "Oh, just... "Hello"." "Oh, yeah. "Heat"." " Oh, no." "I can't believe it." " What is it?" "I just topped 5 Sexiest Film Stars, for God's sake." " You in it?" " Number one." "It's stupid." "What do they mean, these lists?" "Nothing, really." "Don't slag'em off, it's their opinion." "Oh, no, look at this." "Women magazine." ""I'm having an affair with my brother-in-law's ghost"?" "No, that, Women's Top 10 Fancy Snogs." "Number one again." "What was that thing about a ghost?" ""My husband's brother ghost visits me and I think I'm falling in love with him."" "Do they have sex?" "It doesn't say." "It doesn't matter, look." "We were looking at the number one fancy snog for women." "Number one, Orlando Bloom." "I'm not gonna show this to Johnny Depp, he's only number four." "Really?" "He'd be my number one." "You want number one?" "There's the proof." "It was the same on the set of Pirates of the Caribbean." "Me and Keira doing a kissing scene, I do a brilliant take, everyone claps, the director goes: "That was amazing"." "Keira goes: "Oh, can we just do that kissing bit again?"" "I know what she's up to." "And I teese her and I go:" ""If you wanna kiss somebody, why don't you kiss Johnny Depp."" "She goes: "Don't make me fucking sick, I'm gonna vomit if you carry on like that."" "Why do you keep talking about Johnny Depp?" "I don't keep talking about him." "I never talk about him." "He's boring, he's a prat." "Weren't for me, he wouldn't last five minutes, he'd get smacked straight away." "Where are you from?" "Beyond the Wold, near Royal Windsor." "But they're all subjective though, those lists, aren't they?" "Well no, obviously I am objectively really good-looking." "It's not objective, is it?" "Personally, I think you're a wee bit..." "What's that?" "You're warming me up?" "Let's have a drink later." "I can't, I'm meeting my friend." "Come out for a coffee with me." "Just get to know me." "Get to know the normal me." "Take a better look at me, you know, see the attractiveness." "I don't think you are." "Liar." "Try them on." " A bit whacking, aren't they?" " Big glasses are funny." " Real Ray didn't even wear glasses." " Put'em on!" "That's funny." "Do the catch phrase." "It's not a catch phrase, it's something he actually used to say." ""You're having a laugh?" "Is he having a laugh?"" "Now the wig." "How about that one?" " It looks ridiculous." " That looks funny." "He didn't even have curly hair." " Curly is funny." " What do you mean, curly is funny?" "Curly hair." "It's funny!" "Harpo Marks, Leo Sayer." "Loads of people are curly and they aren't funny." "Starsky from "Starksy and Hutch"." "Jim Morrison." " Blacks." " Don't say "blacks"." " What shall I say?" " Say "black people"." "Okay." "Black people aren't funny." "Black people are funny, Keith." "Name one black person that's funny." "I can name you loads of funny black persons." "Dave Chappelle, Chris Rock, Eddie Murphy." "English." "Don't change the rules half way through." "There are loads of funny english black people, too." "Who?" " Good news." " Oh, more good news, excellent!" "Right." "Eddie Osbourne." "Electrician." "He splat with his wife a while ago and he's back on the market." "Lovely guy." "Just your type." " Really?" " Sweet guy." "Lovely guy." "Interested?" "Yeah." "Great." "Eddie?" "Yo!" "This is her." "No." " Nevermind." " He's not bothered." "I just don't know where you're going wrong." "Right." "Kiss me." " One kiss." "Come on." " No!" "One kiss." "Just let me show you how I do it." " No tongues if you don't want." " If it's gonna shut you up." " Well?" " Not really my cup of tea." "Sorry about that." "You're in this club." "This vision walks over." "She says "Hi, handsome." "Wanna buy me a drink?"" " What do you say?" " I say I'm not made of money." "Oh, you're never gonna get a woman like that." "I don't want a woman like that!" "Go and be nice to her." "Caress her hair." "No, don't pat it, she's not a dog!" "She must be a dog if she's going out with him." "Oh, Mr Stokes." "Sorry." "Maybe waggle the glasses." " I'm not sure about the glasses." " We gotta have the glasses." " It's hysterical!" " I don't think so." "It's definitely funnier with the glasses." " Yeah, it is, I agree." " There's a surprise." "I'm sorry if my presence here as head of comedy irritates you, but I've been in this business a lot longer than you, and my opinion wil be heard because I'm the man with the money." "It's not your money." "No, but I'm entrusted to make sure that it's spent correctly." "Oh, we'll make sure it's spent correctly, which is apparently on funny glasses." " Just five..." " Yes." "Oh, do you mind if I take these for later on?" "Can I just say that, I know what you're going through." "My character on "Eastenders" was an interesting three-dimensional person." "But then over the years, the writers turned him into a joke and that's why I walked away, it wasn't what I wanted to do." "And I know some people look at me know, say I was a fool." "But I know I walked away with my intergrity and my pride intact." "You know, I just think you gotta do what you think it's right." " Iain." "Can I have a word?" " Yeah, what is it?" "This isn't the comedy I signed up to make, okay?" "In fact, I think it's awful." "Shall we not do this here?" "Shall we go up to my office" "No, I don't care who hears what I've got to say, because I'm at that point now." "Everyone has interfered," "It's embarrassing." "I don't want go on television and be famous for the sake of it." "I want to do something that I'm proud of." "And I won't be proud of... shouting out catch phrases in a stupid wig and funny glasses." "I wanna do what I wanna do, otherwise I'll hate myself for the rest of my life." "And I'll tell you what, a case in point:" "Shaun." "On "Eastenders", they started to turn his character into a joke." "And he walked away, at the top of his game." "That's called integrity." "Okay?" "It doesn't matter what happens to him now." "'Cause he's got his dignity." " Shaun, are you..." " Leave it." "So basically, I'm not gonna prostitute myself anymore, or my work." "Okay?" "I'm just sick of people coming along, telling me... how they think it should be done." "And me just having to bend over and take up the arse." "Shall I just say, no disrespect to either of you... as gays..." "We don't know if you're givers or receivers, very difficult to tell just from looking at you." "Although if I was putting money on that, it'd probably go..." "Anyway, I..." "You've heard what I've got say." "Right." "Well, thanks for telling us how you feel." "So, here's how I see things going forward." "You can either carry on and record this show as we've already planned, or you can pull the plug, waste everybody's time and hard work, waste the thousands of pounds we've already spent so far," "burn all your bridges with the BBC, you can go back to being an extra, and then you can work your way back up again from nothing." "What do you wanna do?" " Well, what're you gonna do?" " Sitcom." "This..." "This can be good." "That's what I've been trying to say." "Finish this off, 'cause it can..." "I don't wanna let people down." "I wanna get on with this and get this on the telly." "And then in the future, might be look up doing the way I wanna do it..." " Or not." " Or not." "See how it goes." "That's all I wanna..." " Okay." " Good." " Andy." " Yeah?" " Don't forget your" " Glasses." " Cutting a bit fine aren't you?" " I know, I'm sorry I'm late." " Everything alright?" " Yeah." " Your first night nerves?" " No, no." "Actually I had to kick a bit of arse 'cause I was getting sick of all this." "Is it a good comedy, is it a bad comedy..." "Is a good comedy if it pleases people?" "Can we get on with it?" "You know what I mean?" "A comedy has to be as broad as possible so you take everyone in." "I want the whole families to like this." "I want the four-years-old to like this." " They will." " D'you know what I mean?" "And if doesn't stands the test of time, so what, do something else, but..." "You know..." "Bring as much joy into the world as you can." "Well, as long as you're happy." "I'm happy if people are happy." " Are you definitely ready for this?" " Yeah." " You're definitely gonna..." " Yes." "Forget about it, he's gonna do it, mate." " Fuck!" " I know, I'm as annoyed as you are." "Bloody hell, Rita, you look terrible." "Life as a single mum getting to you?" "I was up til 2 a.m. doing me daughter's science homework." "Did you know that Alexander Flemming discovered penicillin when he found mold on some old bread he'd left out?" "He should look under Gobbler's bed, find a new species." "He'd find a new species if he looked in Gobbler's bed." "I don't get it." "You don't get it." "I've been without a man so long," "I'd think I'd say yes if Ray asked me out." "My, is it burning?" "Maybe I can last a few more years." "Morning, campers." "Congratulations are in order." "You all succesfully clocked in on time, this morning." "You just forgot to start bloody work!" "Steady on, Mr Stokes." "We've been comforting Rita." "She's been up all night, trying to get her head around some fella called Alexander." "Lucky beggar." "No one that works here, I hope." "No, he's dead." "You cook for him, as well!" "Oh, Mr Stokes, will you be nice to her?" "Well, Rita, I know you had your problems, but I want you to know this:" "the door to my office is always open." "Thank you, Mr Stokes." "I think it's the bloody hinges." "Get up your ass and fix it, will you?" " I haven't got any tools." " You're joking?" "You've got two right here." "Gobbler is a complete spanner." "I don't get it." "What Mr Stokes has cleverly done with recourse to upon... is take Rita's usage of the word "tool"... a device that performs manual or mechanical work, and transposed its meaning into the vulgar slang definition of "tool"." "Meaning the male reproductive appendage." "Are you having a laugh?" "Is he having a laugh?" "You're having a laugh!" "He is having a laugh!" "You're having a laugh." "Oh, I got a letter back from the dating agency." "Yet this guy replied, sent me a picture." "Before you ask, it was taken on his allotment and yes, he did win the first prize." "Subtitles:" "Nathbot, Nathonymous"