"CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" "how do you do?" "Welcome to the QI zoo for a show about animals that start with an H." "we have the hawk-eyed Sean Lock!" "Thank you." "Thank you." "CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" "The hare-footed Ross Noble..." "CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" "The heavily-petted Ruby Wax!" "CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" "And the hung like a horsefly Alan Davies." "CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" "Now..." "Let's have a peep at your horns." "Sean goes..." "MELODIC TONE PLAYS" "Ruby goes..." "SQUEAKY HONKING what's that?" "That's a woman sound." "Ross goes..." "FOGHORN BLARES" "And Alan goes..." "PRETTY TUNE FADES TONELESSLY" "Oh." "LAUGHTER" "Where better to begin than question one?" "We start with an opportunity for easy points." "Two points for each animal you can name that has horns." "SQUEAKY HONKING Rudolph..." "LAUGHTER" "Cats who dress up as devils on Hallowe'en." "did I say that?" "Goats." "My mother." "Unicorn!" "no!" "Why?" "Rhino." "KLAXON BLARES" "Antelope!" "Cat!" "Antelope is fine." "I already said cat!" "What about a Viking dog?" "There we go." "Cos it would have the horns." "It might!" "I know you'll say the Vikings didn't have horns on. which is...?" "exactly." "Tell that to the rhino." "Exactly." "I think you'll find it's a horn. like that." "I'm having a bad horn day!" "I've got split ends!" "I thought it was like a fingernail." "A what?" "Made out of toenail?" "That's the same thing as hair." "Your nails and your hair - keratin." "Oh!" "I had no idea." "we would have a horn?" "funnily enough." "There was a late 18th-century nun who grew a horn." "Her nunnery was invaded by Napoleonic troops." "specifically to ward off people attacking them?" "Let's not get spears and knives..."? against the wall or table and she started to grow a horn." "It was a most peculiar thing." "Brilliant!" "I'm doing it." "Just carry on." "cos it was going into her eye." "What a waste!" "She should've had a Bible with a hook on it reading the Bible." "LAUGHTER" "You're right." "They should have that on QVC." "Are you sick of not being able to read the Bible whilst doing domestic duties?" "Try banging your head off a wall." "It works for nuns." "Eight out of ten nuns prefer it." "That drawing doesn't seem to be the most convincing evidence." ""I won't do a Hitler moustache." "I'll stick a horn on her!" "more like she's put half a croissant." "It does!" "It's like all that banging..." "Just cut half a croissant." "Little bit of jam and that would've done the job." "Dur!" and stabbed herself in the hand." "SEAN:" "Is an antler a horn?" "no." "An antler is different." "Why is an antler different?" "It's made of wood." "every year." "no!" "They shed." "They keep their antlers in a shed?" "I know so little!" "when they two horned creatures are going at it..." "Locked." "When they lock horns." "Does that ever happen with nuns?" "That's mine." "It's not!" "HE TRUMPETS" "I'd pay..." "I'd walk a mile on broken glass to see that." "I'd be there." "I'd also pay to hunt them as well." "going on a nun hunt!" "Some men fantasise about two nuns locking horns." "That's sexy." "I hope it's called the Mr Whippy goat." "LAUGHTER" "Whoever named it missed a real opportunity." "I doubt it is called the Mr Whippy goat." "It's more of an antelope than a goat." "would you say that it's evolved to have some kind of fear of sound?" "Yes!" "They are big receptors." "Aware that perhaps its predators may sneak up on it." "LAUGHTER it is a nervous creature." "The Princess Leia of the moose world." "cos they're still sneaking up on us. on the horned toad and on the..." "What's the other one?" "Buffalo." "Yes." "I think the buffalo's horns evolved so nobody took it seriously. mate!" "They just evolved living in a field with quite a low gate." "Yes!" "the horns have caught on the gate again. with those sorts of horns and no animal has developed quoits?" "Are you speaking English?" "I've never heard it." "Have you never heard a Geordie accent before?" "Not from something with hair that's never been combed." "LAUGHTER" "I am part of the show." "I'm not on the screen." "OK." "I thought that was..." ""What the hell is that thing?" "!" "LAUGHTER constantly." "I'll come at you like a nun!" "I can see where he's a shock to a delicately nurtured creature." "That's one of the worst threats I've ever heard! "I'll come at you like a nun!" "Would you like a sweet?" "I think I've got a new catchphrase now!" "well done everybody." "Many things that we call horns actually aren't." "What would happen if you threw a hippo in the deep end of your local swimming pool?" "It would sink." "I live in Miami so nobody would bat an eye." "They wouldn't." "that's what they do." "That's exactly what they do." "What hippos don't do is swim." "But it's not the first thing that would happen." "would be the first thing." "Yes!" "I think there'd be a huge sense of relief at least I've bloody done it!" "wait till the guys hear about this!" "Probably take the traffic cone off your head." "cos he's got floaties on. and they can drop to the bottom." "What they can't do is swim." "Is do the backstroke." "where they swimming in a circle..." "All wrong." "Factually incorrect." "aren't they?" "A lot of EastEnders isn't true either." "LAUGHTER" "That's ridiculous!" "APPLAUSE do they get out of a river? I know!" "they just walk to the shallow part. then just keep going." "you're right." ""Bloody hippos!" "Like you've paid a few of them to do some decorating." "smoking." "Can't even use a bloody ladder!" "I'm sick of it." "to get onto land." "How many teeth does a hippo have?" "MELODIC TONE PLAYS" "A full-grown one has 40." "And the reason I know that's a fact how many teeth has a hippo got?" "Let's go over to this little bit of equipment here... but I just pushed my last one into a swimming pool. and there's two at the top and two at the bottom." "That's it." "No." "LAUGHTER minimum of 40." "Is that Wikipedia?" "No." "No." "the hippo is not afraid of predators sneaking up on it." "No." "Smaller ears." "barely needs them." "That's right." "What could we hear that would bother us?" "They're very hard to shoot." "Why would that be?" "they've got..." "They've got night vision goggles." "LAUGHTER" "They can go underground?" "They can fly?" "Their skin." "Their hide is unbelievably thick." "Their skin weighs a tonne." "It's a quarter of their whole body weight is their hide." "not penetrate." "Don't give him ideas." "He's already pushing them into swimming pools!" "He's in the water." "Looking at those light patches round the eyes - has it been on a sun bed?" "sunburn?" "They do." "They get very red. they give off a red oil." "People genuinely used to think they bled through their skin." "look." "What would that be doing for them?" "LAUGHTER" "It keeps their skin moisturised." "moving on... but they can float. before walking to the shallow end." "What's the point of having a head like a hammer?" "my LORD!" "my gracious." "You mean like a shark?" "like a shark." "Like a shark." "I know that one. too late!" "It's going to stick." "aren't they?" "They've got eyes on the end. to have eyes that far apart." "It's a bottom feeder." "Ruby?" "Somebody's got to do it." "Yep." "hoovers of the sea." "They eat flatfish and stingrays that live on the bottom that often camouflage themselves under sand." "How do they detect things that are camouflaged?" "Not with their eyes." "With their fins." "They go like that." "LAUGHTER" "They have things called..." "Do they smell everything?" "They have ampullae." "A lot of sharks do. they could detect that." "And they detect it in a shifting fish." "It seems that gives them a really impressive..." "Rather like a sort of long radar antenna." "So you'd really mess with their heads if you chucked in a toaster?" "Yes!" "it's very hard to do a double take." "me neck!" "It's a comic nightmare." "I've just realised what's missing from your average shark." "They haven't got any lips." "they haven't." "That's why they look so hideous." "It does give them a nasty look." "they'd look quite attractive." "They would indeed." "as you are an expert on animal teeth?" "Yeah." "How many teeth?" "Do you know about shark teeth?" "Have you got a computer?" "I can check it for you." "Sharks' teeth are interesting." "They have a row of teeth and then they have teeth behind... when they lose them." "That's it." "like a conveyer belt." "sorry to go off of sharks..." "It's fine." "They detect when something's dying." "That's how they figure out to go for it." "I went swimming with one." "cos it'll ram you over and over again. and then it nudges them." "With sharks?" "!" "I missed that." "I thought you were putting disabled kids in with sharks!" ""What sort of charity is this?" "!" "LAUGHTER" "I'm going to give them some money!" "haven't they?" "Nudge people to shore who are in trouble?" "of course." "I've swum with dolphins as well." "It is quite an extraordinary experience." "SEAN:" "It's terrible when they reject you." "That's horrible." "All your family and therapists are standing on the beach... just pissing off back to the sea." "and you go... then?" "LAUGHTER" "Sean..." "LAUGHTER at least we tried." "LAUGHTER" "Can I have a towel?" "it's because you're strong and whole." "They're not interested in fit people." "They're drawn towards the weak and the disadvantaged - you're clearly totally fit. they're these amazing creatures and you can swim with them." "rag-tag... bits missing..." "I want this amazing experience..." "Serene and mystical and lyrical... it's just like being chucked in with a bunch of wet skinheads." "Yep." "Get in there!" "And they bully each other." "And they attack porpoises." "How do they tell each other apart? That's a good question." "How do ants tell... that it's not an ant?" "How do they know?" "All right?" "can they?" "Ants can't see." "Stephen!" "LAUGHTER" "Maybe I'm going on the wrong website!" "I think you might've been!" "It's Jordan's Animal Facts I'm going on." "LAUGHTER" "Ask Jordan." That's where I get my animal information." "It's not often I find myself in a group of people but I'm happy to feel that today." "but it seems it allows them to detect more food." "Why is it hard to hang on to a hagfish?" "There's a hagfish. which works in real life. and they back off." "I don't think you could produce the kind of slime that a hagfish could produce." "You don't know me." "I'm very young and fertile." "Have a look at a hagfish releasing slime and tell me you could produce as much." "That is producing that." "It can turn a bucket of 20 litres of water into slime in minutes." "I actually think..." "I think my baby daughter might be a hagfish." "LAUGHTER" "Cos that's nothing." "I've got that on my trousers every morning." "which is another impressive thing." "It literally does a slipknot or an overhand knot." "I'd like to be bitten by one of them." "Because excreting mucous would be..." "Spider-Man is all very well - do a bit of climbing and that." "and you just went..." "That would be fantastic!" "It'd be brilliant." "you'd just go..." "Voomf!" "superheroes are meant to help people." "How would you help people with this?" "Spider-Man helps people." "How would you help people with this mucous?" "it's got its head in the railings." Vmfff." "LAUGHTER no!" "This..." APPLAUSE" "That one." "Or... isn't it?" "!" "This gravy is unnecessarily runny." "Vmfff." "Hagfish are hard to hold because they tie themselves in a knot and ooze slime in all directions." "How would you collect the snot from a sneezing humpback?" "just linked." "it is breath." "It contains mucous." "who collects it?" "A scientist interested in monitoring the health of a humpback." "Why is it important to see whether humpbacks have got colds or flu?" "no!" "Because..." "LAUGHTER we'll have that one and knock off early." "they get flu that jumps species to man." "And if that flu which is possible..." "That'd be a nightmare!" "not just that." "Think at the waiting room at the doctor's!" "he'd be there... you don't get all small and grow wings." "To get a flu is not the same as to turn into the animal." "I see!" "All the pensioners and me are pressed against the wall." "We'll have to encourage the whales to ring NHS Direct." "NHS Direct pick up the phone and think it's a fax machine." "HE IMPERSONATES A WHALE" "It's true!" "I'm really ill cos I take up too much room." "with me barnacle arse." "LAUGHTER towards that snot." "How do you collect it?" "an ordinary bag from Greggs?" "It has to be from Greggs?" "It has to be." "You put pepper in the hole?" "It started... a researcher who was very much a specialist." "She used to have a Petri dish on the end of a stick but it was too difficult." "There was too much turbulent water." "She swims next to it?" "but what does she do now?" "She's got a really good system. that flies..." "There." "isn't that perfect?" "Collecting it." "specialising in collecting snot..." "Has she come up with anything?" "Now that she has the collection." "Good data on the transmission of flu between humpback whales... routinely." "Trying to get away from the remote-control helicopter..." "Meehhhhh!" "I wouldn't fancy being the bloke who works in her local toy shop either!" "is it?" "got all mucous in the rotor blades." "people who do research into whale flu collect snot using remote-control toy helicopters." "What am I describing here? like fire-walking over flaming charcoal with a three-inch rusty nail in your heel." "Childbirth." "HE LAUGHS Probably!" "Probably." "SEAN:" "Is it a bee sting? who has devoted his life to creating the Schmidt scale of insect bite or sting pain." "biting insect there is." "And he writes rather wine connoisseur descriptions... look at that." "..of the pain. which you can see on the left there. a tiny spark has singed a single hair on your arm." "exactly." "Leather and tobacco!" "Is 10.0 like listening to Westlife?" "LAUGHTER someone has fired a staple into your cheek." "LAUGHTER" "He's done these things to make a comparison?" "I guess he has. similar to your hand being mashed in a revolving door." "LAUGHTER" "That's a very good thing to document." ""Imagine WC Fields extinguishing a cigar on your tongue." "Specifically WC Fields?" "!" "LAUGHTER it's more like Jimmy Savile." "that's WC Fields. like spilling a beaker of hydrochloric acid on a paper cut. cos it's like getting shot." "There it is." "yes." "They fact is entymologist Justin Schmidt has been stung by almost every insect which brings us face-to-face with the vicious predator of general ignorance." "please." "I have some points available for you." "All you have to do is to identify every animal in front of you." "SQUEAKY HONKING mouse..." "KLAXON BLARES" "You've not done well to start with." "Not a hedgehog?" "Is one of them a bilby?" "There's no bilbies there." "And there's no mouse there." "A shrew?" "A shrew?" "A buffalo?" "Shrew?" "there is no shrew." "KLAXON BLARES" "Let's have a look again." "Let's see them again." "A mole?" "Is that a baby mole?" "They're all different species of one kind of animal." "Dog." "No!" "Not a dog." "Think of a place where species have evolved..." "New Zealand?" "Like New Zealand." "G-G-G-G..." "Galapagos!" "No. were hived off from Africa and the evolved separately." "They filled niches similar to those in Europe and this particular animal is known as a tenrec and it is...various species of it." "They fill the same niches as hedgehogs do." "They're not in any way connected or related to hedgehogs." "They have just solved the problems of existence in the same way. but are not in any way a cactus." "A bogus?" "Yes!" "Exactly." "the tenrec is a Madagascan mammal that has evolved over millions of years shrews and hedgehogs." "what are these animals fighting about?" "LAUGHTER" "FOGHORN BLARES They're not fighting?" "Hmm... er..." "Sparring? but they can't get it together." "LAUGHTER when they're getting a bit frisky." "It's two males fighting over a girl?" "Ruby!" "KLAXON BLARES" "How bad can it get?" "It doesn't matter now." "Go for it now." "What do I know?" "surely?" "A girl hare!" "Girl is way out of their league." "They might get a kiss off a girl." "It's not two males fighting." "It is a female fighting off a male who is too frisky." "She's basically saying she's not up for it." "Get some pepper spray!" "Maybe that would happen." "it's more than likely that a female is boxing away what is rhino horn used for in traditional Chinese medicine?" "What do you want us to say?" "You've finally got wise." "I will let you off the hook." "It has never been used as an aphrodisiac." "It is a fallacy." "to keep fevers at bay." "It makes no more sense at keeping fevers at bay it's most often taken for a fever. to the end of the show." "Let's have a look at the scores." "Goodness gracious me." "is Ross Noble!" "CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Sean Lock and Jordan!" "Thank you." "Thank you." "CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" "Alan Davies!" "Thank you." "Thank you very much." "CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Ruby Wax with -36!" "CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" "Ross and Alan." "I leave you with this piece of wisdom from Homer Simpson " "Weaselling out of things is important to learn. except the weasel." Thank you and good night." "Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd" "E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk"