"WOMAN:" "Oh, my God, you are the stupidest dad in the world!" "Did the divorce kill some of your brain cells?" "I hate cleaning houses when the clients are home." "WOMAN:" "I can't believe you!" "Be invisible." "NATALIE:" "Why would you buy me these jeans?" "!" "Look at these holes!" "They're in all the wrong places!" "How am I supposed to know the right holes from the wrong holes, huh?" "!" "Well, maybe that's why Mom left you!" "You don't have the right to ignore my feelings!" "♪ La, la, la, la. ♪." "Fine, then I'll "la-la-la" you!" "La, la, la, la," "La-la-la-la!" "Can't hear you!" "♪ La-la-la-la!" "♪." "And I'll tell you something else, Dad!" "You're not fooling anybody with that stupid toupee." "MAN:" "She's crazy." "This is all my own hair." "(Rips) Ah!" "It's made from my own hair." "Say, ladies," "I'm leaving town for a business trip, for a couple of weeks, and I'm looking to hire a live-in to look after the house and, uh, Natalie." "One of you interested in a little extra pay?" "No hablo ingles." "(speaks gibberish)..." "English." "Whoo!" "♪ Here we go ♪" "♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!" "♪." "(moans)" "I guess Hope's not going to let us sleep in today." "Sh-sh-sh-sh." "Maybe if we just lay here quietly, she'll go back to sleep." "Ow!" "God..." "I guess not. (laughs)" "(both chuckle)" "Hey, Hope." "(groans)" "How about just five more minutes, okay?" "(Grunts)" "Okay." "My nipple's caught!" "Uh, try pushing it!" "Okay..." "(screams)" "Ooh, God..." "(screams)" "That's not it!" "Try pulling it, try pulling it!" "(Screams)" "Oh!" "Oh!" "(laughs) You were right." "Grapes make taking walks so much more fun." "One mushy one left, you want it?" "All yours." "Ha-ha!" "I did it." "What's all this?" "Jimmy almost lost his nipple in a crib accident." "Told you those long nipples were going to come back to haunt you one day." "He gets that from my side of the family." "On the plus side, they're also very sensitive." "Oh, good to know." "Anyway, the crib's been recalled, along with a lot of this other old baby stuff, too." "It can't be that dangerous." "Jimmy played with most of this stuff; he's fine." "No, come to think of it, he was always getting hurt." "(Screaming)" "My nipple, my nipple, my nipple!" "Yeah, in retrospects, I can see that we should've paid more attention to child safety." "And now Hope has to sleep in a cardboard box and play with a teddy bear I made from a bag of rice and a fuzzy toilet seat cover." "Come to think of it, she could choke on the rice." "Damn it!" "We need to find a way to make some fast money!" "Jimmy, you think if we knew how to make fast money, we would have spent our whole lives making slow money?" "!" "Unfortunately, I know how to make some fast money." "Hello." "Hi." "I don't know if you're still looking for a live-in but..." "LANE:" "Oh, I'm so sorry." "We already hired somebody." "She threw soup at me!" "I quit." "Wha..." "You're hired." "(Chuckles)" "Burt, if we go over it one more time, we're just gonna start crying again." "It's just for two weeks, till we have enough money to buy Hope all the new stuff she needs. (Sobs)" "We can make money some other way." "What if I sell my plasma to those people that make the fancy TVs?" "!" "I miss Virginia." "We all miss Virginia, Maw maw." "That's why we're eating meatloaf, which somebody thought would be great if it was made of tuna." "Well, it should've worked." "It's the chicken from the sea." "But that's stupid, no one eats chicken meatloaf." "It doesn't even make sense!" "I'm sorry, it's not the loaf." "I just miss my wife." "Time for my bath." "Been a couple of days, so prepare for a long one." "(Chuckles)" "Good luck with that." "I'll tell you what you missed on Phineas  Ferb." "Oh, too late." "I already got my finger on my nose." "You can put your finger anywhere you want." "You're still bathing Maw Maw." "Only reason we're doing this is 'cause of your baby!" "(Whines)" "I don't blame you." "I blame society which says we can't let you swallow the same toys, which passed harmlessly through your father." "Look, I'll do all the other chores except for Maw Maw." "Every time I try to take care of here, she thinks I'm Paw Paw, and she tries to kiss me!" "She did that to me all the time." "You just have to know how to handle it." "Hey there, Mr. Gardener Man," "I got something better for you to do with that green thumb." "Hello, Burt!" "Good luck with that bath." "Just so you're prepared, the carpet does match the drapes, and it's a deep shag." "NATALIE:" "Oh, my God." "(glass breaking)" "You can stop doing my laundry!" "I won't need any more outfits because I'm never leaving my house again!" "What's wrong?" "I have a third eye, that's what's wrong!" "Oh, but that's nothing." "I can fix that." "You can?" "Oh, yeah!" "Okay..." "Oh, my God!" "It's completely disappeared!" "Mm-hmm." "I've always been good with makeup and stuff." "My son only lets me do it to him when we've both had a few beers, and I absolutely promise never to tell anyone." "Don't tell anyone I said that..." "(sighs) Okay!" "You're dry now, and don't worry, that thing on your back was a raisin." "Oh, thank you." "I feel better." "Let me just get your fiber shake ready and your humidifier like you like it, and you are good to go!" "Just finding the switch on this thing... (Old-time trumpet music plays)" "Let me pour you a drink." "Wilfrid... (rattling)" "Make that cocktail the same way I like my men." "Stiff..." "I'm not Paw Paw, I'm your great grandson, Maw Maw!" "Ah!" "What are you doing in my room?" "Why am I sweating?" "Am I hot flashing again?" "When will this menopause end?" "!" "(Screams)" "(screams)" "Hey, it's me!" "Sorry." "It's a little chilly out here." "Didn't want my lips to get chapped before I saw ya." "The only thing that doesn't cover is your lips." "What are you doing here anyway?" "I missed ya." "So I thought I'd come over here and climb through your window." "Aw, I missed you, too." "Mmm..." "It will be just like when we were teenagers." "Even better, because now we don't have to make it quick so you could be home in time for Alf." "Ooh!" "(Yells)" "(spitting) (chuckles) Time to wake up, Wilfrid, dear." "(Sniffs) What's that smell?" "Breakfast, like I make every morning." "Come on, it's getting cold." "French toast will be ready in a jiffy." "And then I'll take care of the baby while you eat." "And the syrup's heating up, just like you like it, too." "(Old-time music playing)" "Well, good morning, dear." "I'm so glad you got this job." "I know, that was quite a night." "It actually was like being a teenager again." "It was awesome." "Although I do kind of wish I was watching Alf right now." "Listen, you better get out of here before Natalie wakes up." "And use the window, for old time's sake." "Oh!" "Wha...?" "!" "Whoa!" "What happened to the ladder?" "VIRGINIA:" "Wha... huh?" "Get..." "What the hell?" "!" "Who is that?" "!" "Who is that?" "!" "Oh..." "Would you believe your dad hired a butler?" "(scoffs)" "And the butler just did it." "Not helping." "Put your pants on, and stop everything you were doing or were about to do." "Burt, take this one downstairs." "BURT:" "Okay, Romeo, let's go." "(Chuckles) He walks like a penguin." "What are you doing?" "You shouldn't be sneaking boys into your room." "You do." "Wha... he's my husband." "Well Robert's my boyfriend, and we're just as in love." "Probably more so, because we're young and hot." "Wha..." "Why are you so upset about this?" "I thought you were going to be cool." "No, no, no, I am still cool!" "I'm like, um... wha..." "Alicia Silverstone." "And Alicia would say that you are clueless about the risks of teenage sex." "I don't know who that is." "Is that like a friend of yours or something?" "Well, she was a very big star." "Look, whatever celebrity you teens are into nowadays, they say "don't do it!"" "Raven Symone!" "I don't know!" "I..." "Kathy Perry!" "(Beep, whirr)" "Science..." "Is there anything you can't do?" "Well, I talked to Natalie." "She says, they haven't had sex yet." "But I don't know if I believe her." "I talked to Robert." "They haven't." "But he's getting close." "I gave him a few tips." "He is a slow song and a wine cooler away from closing the deal." "What is wrong with you?" "Why are you encouraging this kid?" "What if Natalie gets pregnant?" "Well, you got pregnant." "You don't like our life?" "No, Burt, I do!" "Well, it's just, as a rule, teenagers should..." "Son of a bitch, he's going back up there." "Oh, yeah." "I told him to wait about ten minutes." "I guess he couldn't hold off." "Which is disappointing, because most of my tips were about just that." "Seriously?" "!" "Shouldn't you be cleaning or making me a cheese questadilla or something?" "You two, out of bed." "I'm going to show you where this can lead to." "I'm your ghost of teen pregnancy future." "This is where we live." "You can't see it from here, but there's Silly Putty plugging holes in the roof." "On the plus side, we have a ton of empty Silly Putty eggs, which we can use for all sorts of things." "That's my son pretending to smoke a pipe and getting a foot rub from his great-grandmother." "I don't know what's going on, but trust me, those are the actions of a kid raised by teen parents." "A multigenerational household leads to a strong family bond." "How's that Harvey Wallbanger?" "Uh, tip-top, you little hotsy-totsy." "23 skidoo." "Okay." "I got nothing for that one." "Here's what I really wanted to show you." "Cool!" "You went to Paris?" "No." "My friend, Becky Decker, from high school did." "She went to Paris with her college French class." "And this is from my two friends who went to Hungary and Turkey while I was at home hungry for turkey." "Oh, here's our prom photo." "BURT:" "How many people get to look that fancy when welcoming their son into the world?" "Look at those fresh-faced kids." "Take a good, hard look at that." "This is what they look like four years later." "Whoa, you guys aged, like, 20 years." "Yeah, but we haven't aged at all since then." "Explain that." "Look, Natalie's maid," "I appreciate what you're trying to do, but we're in love." "And your son seems to be hooking up with your grandmother, so I don't know why you're worried about us." "We're staying together, and that's that." "Yes!" "No, we're not." "I'm sorry, Robert." "I do love you, but there's too much I want to do in my life." "I..." "I want to try crepes in Paris and gelato in Rome." "I want to trip my face off in Amsterdam!" "This is all too much for me." "I think we should stop seeing each other." "Love killer." "You killed love." "Here's your high-ball, darling." "Hope you don't mind pot roast tonight." "Horsefeathers, you dumb Dora." "You know I think your cooking is swell." "Oh, Wilfrid." "Mmm... (chuckling)" "Oh, hey." "Jimmy, you know I love your quirky family, but you nailing your great-grandmother is going to be a real deal breaker." "Maw Maw's just in one of her delusions." "She thinks I'm Wilfrid." "But she's easier to take care of this way." "She actually takes care of me." "And if things go too far, I can stop her just by spraying her with this bottle." "So kissing her on the lips wasn't going too far?" "Well, first of all, my mouth was closed." "And second, can you smell that pot roast?" "Come on in." "Dinner's..." "What the hell is your sister, Mabel, doing here?" "Oh, gee willikers, honey buns." "Your pot roast is so swell, I invited her for dinner, see?" "(Both laughing)" "How could you invite her today on this special occasion?" "What special occasion?" "Unbelievable." "Every year!" "Aah!" "Get the spray bottle!" "You always forget our anniversary every year!" "Sabrina!" "Why do I always get my hopes up every year?" "!" "Squirt her!" "Squirt her!" "(grunting)" "You know what?" "I don't think I should." "'Cause she just really looks like she's hurting right now." "She's really hurting me!" "That's who she's hurting!" "Do you still believe in love, Robert?" "Oh, my God!" "Oh, it's okay!" "It's okay, Robert!" "It's Burt." "It's your ex-girlfriend's temporary maid's husband." "I think I have an idea how we can get Natalie back." "BOTH:" "Do you still believe in love?" "(All screaming)" "You brought us to your high school sex hideout?" "You know, it sounds cheap when you say it like that." "Me and Virginia called it the "Stabbin' Cabin."" "Which sounds cheap, too, now, but back then, we thought it was poetic." "I brought you guys here 'cause my wife showed you what our lives were like, but she left out some parts." "(Chuckles)" "These ticket stubs are from our first movie date:" "Beverly Hills Cop II." "Ah." "This kernel of popcorn fell down Virginia's cleavage." "Just when you think boobs can't get any better... butter flavored." "(Sniffs, chuckles)" "Ah, this is the gum wrapper necklace that Virginia made me at pregnant girl camp." "(laughing)" "Ah, these are the pretend magazine covers we had made at Four Flags:" "Good Adventure Theme Park." "How is that place?" "It's almost awesome." "Look." "Virginia and I were perfect for each other." "Waiting wouldn't have made us more perfect, but it could have made us miss out on perfect, and I just don't want to see you guys miss out on your chance to have the perfect person, either." "Oh, my God, he's right." "We are perfect for each other." "The world might be against you sometimes, but you'll always have an ally in me." "(Car door closes) VIRGINIA:" "Natalie!" "Natalie!" "I was never here!" "And remember, snitches get stitches." "Natalie?" "Oh, my God." "She's coming in!" "Robert, hide!" "She's going to kill you!" "Natalie, I know you're in here." "How'd you find me?" "I called your dad." "He uses GPS to track your phone." "That put me in this general area, and then it didn't take the Mentalist to figure out you were in the Stabbin' Cabin." "Where's Robert?" "He's not here yet." "You got to get out of here before you ruin everything." "I'd rather ruin tonight than let you ruin your whole life." "Look, Robert and I are in love." "We're meant to be, just like you and Burt, but with better grades." "Fine, but that doesn't mean you have to sleep together." "But we want to." "We're ready." "You're ready to have a baby?" "We know how to use condoms." "We put them on cucumbers in health class." "First of all, putting them on cucumbers is just setting yourself up for disappointment." "And besides, condoms don't always work, and guys don't always stay." "Burt did, and Robert would, too." "And we could have a happy family just like you two." "Yeah, fine." "Maybe you will." "Maybe you will be just like me." "Maybe there'll be an accident, and maybe Robert will do the right thing and you'll have a family and be happy just like me." "But... you'll always wonder why he stayed." "Was it for you or the baby?" "You'll always wonder if you kept him from something, from being something more." "Let's be honest..." "probably not a lot more, but something." "Did he stay because he wanted to or because he had to?" "I poked a hole in the condom." "(Gasps) What?" "Not your condom; our condom." "Burt, what are you...?" "Look, Virginia, from the moment I met you," "I knew you were the one." "I also knew you were way, way out of my league." "I was not." "I was in a back brace." "That was a bonus." "It was like you were hot and bionic." "Plus smart and funny." "I knew my only shot was to get you pregnant so you had to marry me before you figured out you could do better." "So, your plan for a lifetime of happiness was to trick me into getting pregnant at 15 years old?" "That was the best I could come up with." "Well... it's hard to argue with your results." "(Natalie clears throat)" "I'm confused." "Does that mean we're supposed to have sex or not have sex or..." "Do whatever you want." "We don't care." "It was never really about you." "♪ I'll never stop loving you ♪." "Oh..." "look." "(Sighing):" "Oh... ♪ Whatever else I may do ♪." "Happy anniversary, darling." "It's beautiful." "♪ My love for you ♪" "♪ Will live till time itself ♪" "♪ Is through ♪" "♪ I'll never stop wanting you... ♪." "What the hell is going on?" "Oh." "We're just giving Maw Maw a special memory." "It's cool." "I'm fine with it." "He's allowed to touch anything above the waist, and her boobs are so low, that doesn't really allow for much of anything." "When it comes to wives," "Barbara June, you are the cat's meow." "Speaking of things that purr," "I have a gift you can open." "Here's a hint." "It's my legs." "Okay, we're done." "Why am I wet?" "And why are there decorations out here?" "Did I drown in the tub, and this is my wake?" "(Sinisterly):" "Ooh..." "I'm here." "I'm here." "You're not dead, Maw Maw." "Damn it, this life is taking forever." "Hey, this is Wilfred's and my song." "Really?" "I didn't know that." "Oh yeah, we danced on this song years ago, on our wonderful anniversary." "It's the year Wilfred gave me this necklace." "It's my favorite memory." "That's why I never take it off." "Well I guess I won't be getting that necklace back." "I'll get you a new necklace on our anniversary, which I promise to never forget." " You taste like your great grandmother." " I'll brush my teeth."