"Why must you be late for everything?" "Well, because you only told me about it five minutes ago" "That's no excuse Get changed" "No, no, no This is the shirt I'm taking off" "It's fine Leave it on" "Look, Susan Come Stop!" "Susan, I can't get dressed under this pressure" " You can finish in the car" " Oh, great!" " Ben?" " Yes" "Oh, God" " Do you even know where we're going?" " Oh I forget" " Oh" " What?" " What's the date today?" " The 18th" "Oh" "(LAUGHING)" "We've got a bit more time to get dressed It's not till next week" "Oh, great" "(ALARM BEEPING)" "The smoke alarm normally goes off when you're cooking" " The chicken!" " The chicken The chicken?" "Hang on If we're all dressed up to go out to dinner, why are you cooking a chicken?" "Because I put the chicken in for our dinner, then I remembered about the party, then I forgot about the chicken, all right?" "Okay" "Right, good So, as we're all dressed up and nothing to eat, let's go out" "Why not?" "(DOORBELL RINGING)" "Hi, are we the first?" "I had an old friend of yours in my chair yesterday afternoon" "Oh, yeah?" "Who?" " Fat Hillary" " Only not so fat these days" "Oh, don't you believe it She's back to her old fighting weight Yeah" "She's no stranger to a beef and ale pie is our Hillary" "Ben, that's very cruel Funny but cruel" "Yeah" "Anyway, she told me a bit of gossip" "Ben, you know I don't like mindless tittle-tattle" "Yeah, I know Sure Okay, fair enough" "Well, it's obviously eating you up You might as well tell me what it is" "Apparently," "Ted and Joanna Draper's marriage is in trouble" "Oh, no!" "Apparently they're heading for divorce" "Oh, no" " I'm going to call her" " Oh, no" " We've known them 25 years" " What's that got to do with it?" "I know friendship is an alien concept to you, but they need our support" "Susan, divorce is a modern problem" "Okay, it's a tragedy, but some couples just get separated from the herd" "To stay hitched you got to get in the saddle and ride into the sunset" "Sorry, I've been reading Westerns" "They're both Janey's godparents Ted taught Michael to swim" " He's had your drill for 15 years" " He's got my drill?" "They're our oldest friends" "Well, maybe that's God's way of saying ditch them and get new ones" "Susan, calm down Susan, please, please" "I'm begging you on bended knee Don't, don't, don't make the call" "Please, Susan!" "Please!" "Don't invite them for dinner!" "I can't just sit around and do nothing" "It's so easy Look, look, watch me Look, there you go" "I just want to see how they're doing I won't even mention dinner" "Oh, why do you have to add to their problems by inviting them around here?" " Joanna, hi, it's Susan How are you?" " No" "Yes, it's been ages" "Well, yes, we should get together" "Why don't you come here, 8:00?" "Sounds fine See you, then Bye" "Sorry, were you trying to say something?" "I thought you weren't going to mention dinner" "Did you hear me say the word "dinner"?" "You're good, Susan You're very good" "Unbelievable, just unbelievable" "You'll never guess what happened at Kenzo's school today" "Morning, Janey" "Yeah, I had to listen to some idiot mother going on and on about how her daughter was in a TV advert" " Unbelievable" " Why?" "Why?" "The kid's a complete troll" "Unlike Kenzo Who couldn't love that face?" "He's certainly a good-looking boy" "And that is why we've decided to call an agent and get him an advert, too" " We?" " Me and Kenzo" " He wants to do this?" " Yeah, well, of course he does" "Loves the idea" "At least he will when I tell him" "Sorry to interrupt you, Michael" "It's all right, Alfie, let me just finish this" "I'm ordering myself a girlfriend from Thailand Want one?" "No, no, thank you" "Before you know where you are, they've taken all your money, left you for your best friend, married him and claimed UK citizenship" "I'm told" "So, what can I do for you, Alfie?" "Well, I wondered if you might help me produce some more professional-looking leaflets" " Aw Has someone lost a spaniel?" " No, that picture is me" "Oh, right" " "Alfie Butts' world tour" - "Of Chiswick"" "Yes" "I've already done a couple of warm-up gigs upstairs at the Dog and Duck" " How'd they go?" " Pretty well, yes" "All six customers seemed to enjoy it" "At the end, I had two women fighting over me" "Hey, not bad" "No, I was crouched on the floor protecting my guitar" "They were fighting over me" "I'll tell you what you need, Alfie, the internet" "I film you doing songs and stuff You could have your own website" "Let's see if buttscom is taken" "Well, it's definitely taken" "I know him!" "Oh, my God Bloody drains blocked up?" "It's not the drains It's camomile candles" " What?" " They're calming, to human beings" "Listen, Ben, this has to be a peaceful, pleasant evening" "No tension, no stress" " No Ben?" " No chance" "Okay" " Joanna" " Susan, lovely to see you" "And you Come in No Ted?" "He's just getting wine from the car" "Joanna, hi No Ted?" " No, he's just" " Well, you're better off without him" " Ben" " All right, Susan It's okay" "Let's not beat about the bush" "What's done is done It's all right, Joanna" "You're better off on your own" " Hello" " Until Ted gets here, which he just has" " Ted" " Hi, Ted" "Bollinger '90" "Ooh" "So you've obviously heard about Ted and I, then" " No, what?" " Oh, shut up, Ben" " Yes, we heard from fat Hillary" " Oh" "She said you were having a few problems and we want to be here for you" "Oh, that's very sweet I really do We really do appreciate it" "Good, because a problem shared is a problem halved" "That's true, isn't it?" "That's so true, isn't it?" " Love will keep us together" " As Neil Sedaka once said" "Because there is nothing so broken that can't be mended" "And who put the ram in the rama lama ding dong?" "Sorry What, what?" " Just do the drinks, Ben" " Yes, I'll do the drinks Shall I" " Red would be lovely" " Red" "Oh, absolutely, mate Fill it up, she's driving home" "Firstly, she is Joanna And secondly, she is not driving home" " Why not?" " I drove last time" "I drove here" "Well, you never gave me the chance, did you?" "But that's typical, isn't it?" "You make the rules You decide who's doing what" "Only 'cause if I didn't, nothing would ever get done" " Somebody has to make decisions" " Like which pub to go to every night?" "Big decision, that" "What a good idea Maybe I'll go there now" " Well, how am I supposed to get home?" " Here" "I'll take a cab It's safer than driving with you, anyway" "You crazy bint!" "You are the most selfish, self-centred man I ever met in my entire life" "TED:" "This from Miss Self-centred 1989" "(JOANNA YELLING)" " Cheers" " Absent friends" "Thank you" "That was my latest composition, entitled Bangor For Fun" "Whoa, whoa, whoa, Alfie" "It's bad enough you called your album Butts Unplugged." "You can't have a song called Bangor For Fun." " Why not?" " Think about it" "Why not?" " Let me explain" " Oh, hello" "Two men alone with a video camera?" "I must be interrupting something" "You want something or are you just in here to bother me?" "Yeah, a little from column A, a little from column B" "The thing is I found a casting agent for Kenzo" "She's just been on the phone She said I need a 10 by 8 glossy photo" " Would you take one for me?" " Casting?" " Like for television?" " Yeah" "I'm not so sure that's such a good idea, Janey" "History is littered with children who achieve early stardom, only to find themselves lost in the mists of obscurity" "Thrown on the scrap heap of rejection Look what happened to Colin Hawes" " Who's Colin Hawes?" " Exactly" "You see how quickly people forget?" "Cheers, mate" "All right, Henry?" "You know, in all the years we've known each other," "I don't think we've ever done this before without the girls" "I just want you to know it really means a lot to me You're a true friend, Ben" "Have you got my drill?" "Nice drop, this" "I just wanted to apologise for last night" "Joanna was completely out of order" "You know, Ben, that woman's going to take me to the cleaners" "Oh, no, surely, not Joanna" "Oh, don't you believe it You think you know somebody, but as soon as money gets involved, women go nuts" " Well, no, not all women" " All women" "It's in their genes You think you're going to bed with your wife, you wake up with a vicious predator" " I'm going to lose my kids" " Well, that's good, isn't it?" " My house, half my future earnings" " I'm sorry, Ted Yeah" " And my pension" " Shh It's all right, Ted" "I know, I Oh It's okay" "It's all right He's leaving his wife Not for me" " No Cheers Cheers, Ted" " Cheers Good health, mate" "Oh, it's such a mess We don't talk any more We never have sex" "Although that is actually one of the perks" "Ted's always shown signs of being a tight-fisted, selfish" "You're all right, you've got Ben" "Right" "It's so sad when a relationship goes bad like that" "I know, darling, happens to a lot of couples" "Kids grow up, leave home and then they find they've got nothing to talk about" "Whereas you've never shown any interest in the kids anyway" " Exactly, so problem averted" " Yep" "Your being emotionally stunted has served us well over the years" "It's a gift" "You know, Joanna's scared stiff that Ted is going to squirrel away all the assets" " so she can't get at them" " Really?" "Well, Ted's scared stiff that Joanna's going to go after him for half of everything" " It's ridiculous, isn't it?" " It's pathetic" "I mean, what is she thinking?" " What?" " Half of everything?" "Give me a break" "You don't think she deserves half?" "No, of course not No, she's not been working as an optician for the last 25 years, has she?" "No, she's been working as a housewife and a mother" "(LAUGHING) Yeah, we all know how difficult that is" "Yeah, we all know how difficult that is" "But obviously not worth 50%" "No, no, no All I'm saying is that any division of assets should be based on contribution" "Right?" "You know, I mean, he put the most in, he should take the most out" "I'm not saying that she shouldn't get anything, of course" "I mean, well, you know" "Yeah, he should bung her a few quid every week, but, you know, half?" "Come on, that's just stupid" " Oh, really, is it?" " Yeah" "I mean, it's common sense, isn't it?" "And what about us?" "How would you value my contribution to our relationship?" "Highly" "You have to be more specific, Ben Put a percentage on it" "No, no, we don't have to worry about things like that" "Anyway, it's difficult to quantify" " Try - 15" "15?" "15%?" "I've worked as a professional tour guide" " Yeah, yeah" " I now work in a gallery" "Okay, okay 16%" "17" "Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll be the bigger man 19% Or, you know, thereabouts" "Oh, Susan, look, we're talking about Ted and Joanna here, not you and me" "Oh, no, no, no We're talking about you and me" "Look, I don't know what you're getting so wound up about 19%% is not ungenerous" "If you hadn't married me, you would have needed an army of people to look after you" "A housekeeper to run the house, a cook to feed you, a cleaner to tidy up your mess, a nurse for when you're ill, a nanny for the kids, a chauffeur to run them around" " Do I go on?" " Well, you do a bit" "My point is I have done all these things and more for no salary, and you say I don't contribute?" " Now, come on Don't get all tetchy" " And you'd have to pay for that as well" "I want you out of my bed Out!" "Out!" "Out!" " 22%%?" " Out!" "(MOBILE RINGING)" " Hello?" " Ben, it's Ted" "Sorry to call you so late, but I just had a blazing row with Joanna" "Oh, hi, Ted Well, I hope you won" "You bet I gave her a piece of my mind, I can tell you" "Atta boy Got to show them who's boss" "(PHONE RINGING)" "Hello?" "Hi, Susan, it's Jo I'm sorry to call so late, but I've just had a flaming row with Ted" "Well, you just hang in there Stand up for what's yours and you'll be fine" "Men are so selfish" "It's like they're completely irrational" " So childish" " It's all that constant nagging, mate" " I wonder if they have a heart" " You wonder if they have a brain" "We all know which organ they do their thinking with" "They swap their brains for shoes" " Football obsessed" " Shopping obsessed" " And the drinking" " And the drinking" " Look, thanks for listening" " Oh, any time" " Look, thanks for listening" " Any time" "Listen, Ben" "You have a really wonderful relationship with Susan" "Yeah, yeah, I know We're blessed" "Would you mind asking her if she has any idea what's going on in Joanna's mind?" "I'd rather not disturb her right now, she's looking so peaceful lying here" "No, Kenzo, remember how I showed you?" "Not too high with the spoon We don't want to hide that lovely face, do we?" "Try it again" "That's better Now give a nice big smile and say the line" ""Wheatie Pops, they're nutritious and delicious"" "Good Still not quite there, is it?" "Don't you think you're pushing him a little too hard?" "Please, Mum, we're working Now, take a mouthful and say the next line" "It tastes like poo" "No, it doesn't It tastes "Good, good, good"" "If it's so good, good, good, why don't you have a mouthful yourself?" "(SIGHING) Fine" "Mmm Mmm It is" " yummy:" " Come on, Janey, enough's enough" "Please don't turn into one of those stage mothers who lives out their dreams through their children" "And what is wrong with that?" "I bet we've probably done lots of things that have fulfilled your dreams" " Mum?" " I'm thinking" "Ben, I've been thinking about Ted and Joanna, and, I think, you know, maybe you were right" "And here's me without my lawyer" "We should never have got involved in their problems" "It's nothing to do with us" "All right, I want to apologise 'cause I know full well what you're contribution is to me and this family It is a genuine partnership Okay?" " 50-50" " Straight down the middle" "Good I'm glad we cleared that up" "And we're gonna make it up to each other tonight in our own bed" "Oh, yes" "Of course, if we ever went through what Ted and Joanna went through" " Well, which we would not" " Of course not" "I'd like to think we'd handle things in a more mature way" " Yeah, I mean no bickering" " No squabbling" "We wouldn't argue about stuff for a start" " Stuff, stuff What's mine is yours" " What's mine is yours" "Yeah, I mean, if I wanted that, you know, that vase or that painting or that armchair" " I'd say, "Take it"" " Yeah" "If I wanted the sofa, the mirror or the desk" " I'd say, "Take it"" " See, that's the way things should be" "Exactly Though obviously, not the desk" " Why?" " That's my desk" "But we bought it together" "Well, yeah, we went to the shop together but that's not exactly buying it, is it?" " I picked it out" " Yeah, but I wrote the cheque" "Hang on, hang on Let me just clarify something" "You're saying what you paid for is yours and what I paid for is mine?" "No, only technically, because, you see, I wouldn't divide things up like that because then you would end up with next to nothing and I am above such things" "You've got a funny idea what an equal partnership is" " Well, guess what?" " What?" " You're back on the sofa bed tonight" " Oh, Susan, come on" "And where do you think you're going with that?" "I think you'll find that I paid for this" "Tommy Sanders?" "So, what's your little boy called?" " Kenzo" " Stage name?" " No" " Really?" "Amazing Has he done much?" "Nathan's done eight commercials, two films and a guest spot in Alien Family." "You know the one where the little boy and his ugly friend bring home an alien?" "He was in that" "Well, was he the ugly friend?" "The alien?" "He was the little boy" "Hello, Sylvia, how's little Simon?" "Good" "You don't have to worry about him, he's a no-talent" "So what's he done?" "Oh, Kenzo, he" "He's done Did you see Charlie and the Chocolate Factory?" " No" " He was in that" " Yeah Finding Neverland?" " No" "Oh, he was in that as well The last Harry Potter." " Oh, yes" " Pity, he wasn't in that" "Two lines That's all you had to remember and you couldn't even do that!" "You stupid child!" "Come on" " Okay Kenzo Harper?" " Yes" "Susan?" "This was a present from your Aunt Joan to me Does that make it yours or mine?" " Please, Susan" " I'm just speaking hypothetically" "Look, we don't have to do this We are fine" "I bought you some stickers as well, green or blue?" "This is so childish I want the blue ones" "You don't have to run I'm not going to fight you for the desk" " Yours or mine?" " Yours" " Um" " Ah" " All right?" " Oh, keep it" " This okay?" " Yep, yep Keep it" " Oh?" " Oh, yeah, yeah" " And" " Oh, have it" "Thank you" "Oh?" "Oh" "Excuse me" "(BOTH GRUNTING)" "Ben!" "The" " Already stickered" " Where?" "Oh" " Oh, that's yours" " What?" " That photo frame" " I don't want that That's horrible" " I bought you that" " Oh, that photo frame" " Oh, I'll have it, then" " No, I'll take it" "No, you won't Too late" " It's mine" " No, it isn't You don't want it" "Yes, I do Oh, you keep it, then" "What's going on?" "Your father's being an arse just for a change" "It's her She wants to label everything that we both want to keep" "Oh, lovely Thank you" "How did my little star get on today?" " He hasn't got the part, Mum" " What?" "I pulled Kenzo out of the audition" "You know, I don't want to end up screaming at my child just because he chucked up his Wheatie Pops all over the director" "You didn't do that" "No, some kid called Nathan did I won't put Kenzo through that" "Good for you, darling" "You don't have to be on television to be a star, do you?" "Well, actually, it wasn't all bad news" "They've asked me to be the Wheatie Pops mum" "Darling!" "Well, Alfie, this is it, your first live webcast" "Next it's sponsors, advertisers, recording contracts" " Oh, I'm gonna be so rich" " You mean we" "Yeah, we That's what I said So you all set?" " Yes" " Right, get ready" "We go live in one minute" "Live?" "Oh, great Hello, Wembley" "Hello, Wembley?" "Alfie, there are currently 23 million people around the world about to watch you" " 23 million" " And cue" "Alfie" "Alfie" "Do something" "And cut" "Thanks for coming around at such short notice" "It's a pleasure Thanks for the invitation" "Well, we heard you two were going through a rough patch, shall we say?" "Are we?" "We're all in the same boat Two sets of marriages down the toilet" " Two?" " Toilet?" "Ours isn't" "Your marriage is just as much a sham as ours" " Sham?" " Toilet?" "Ours isn't" "Anyway, we felt dreadful that our little domestic problem had had an effect on you" "So we thought maybe we could help" "Fat chance" "We just want you to work things out Maybe find some sort of compromise" " You're a fine one to dish out advice" " What do you mean?" "Compromise?" "You don't know the meaning of the word" "Bubbly time" "Hang on What are you doing with that?" "That's my Bollinger '90" " It's mine now" " Like hell it is" "(BELL RINGING)" " Dim sum?" " I'll help you" " Thank you" " You're welcome" "TED:" "Well, you certainly put the kibosh on that, didn't you?" "JOANNA:" "Me?" "You're ruining this evening with your petty behaviour" "TED:" "Oh, shut up, you harpy" "(GLASS SHATTERING)" "Oh, that's it Here we go again" "JOANNA:" "You pathetic specimen!" "The sooner I'm out of this the better!" "TED:" "That goes double for me, you spoilt witch" "What are we doing here?" "I'm right behind you" " Ben, you can't" " Of course I can, I'm a dentist" "(TED AND JOANNA ARGUING IN KITCHEN)" "(WHIRRING)" "A little drop left Do you want some more?" " I'll just have half" " There you go" "You deserve more than half" " Are you trying to get me drunk?" " Um" "Little bit drunk" "I'm glad we got rid of all those stupid stickers" "Oh, so am I" "Actually, not all of them" "What do you mean?" "Oh, Ben" " A little red sticker" " Yeah, I know"