"I can't stand it when restaurants have little cartoon animals on the menu." "How am I supposed to order chicken wings when there's an adorable little picture of a baby chick" " right next to it?" " Just order the salad." "No, the broccoli's smiling too." "Excuse me." "Are you Beckett Ryan?" "Waitresses usually only say that when they're about to cut up my credit card." "No, I'm not a waitress." "My name is Julie," "Julie Anderson." "I write a literary blog called..." " Couldn't Stop Reading!" " Yes!" "You called my book," ""The best book you read in 3 years."" "It's about as long as he's been repeating that quote." "It is a real honour, Mr. Ryan." " Oh, please, call me Beckett." " Are you kidding, Beckett?" "Really, Beckett?" "I can do that, Beckett?" "Maybe not after every sentence." " You're a lucky woman." " I know." "Things really turned around for me since we broke up." "Oh!" "So you two aren't together?" "I should really update your Wikipedia page." "Hear that?" "I have a Wikipedia page." "My mom's cat has a Wikipedia page." "It was very nice to meet you, Julie." "Really?" "Was it?" "Do you just say that to all of your fans?" "Oh!" "If you do, don't tell me, because this was perfect." "It was really nice to meet you too, Beckett." "You know, we're dealing with a bit of a menu dilemma here..." "Listen, I would love for you to do my podcast sometime." "Yes, my first podcast!" "Was a while ago, so I'm..." "I'm very brushed up on podcasts." "Let me give you my business card here." "Thank you." "Your card with all of your personal information!" "Which I now have." "Thanks, Beckett." " What is wrong with you?" " What are you talking about?" "This woman raves about you in a blog, Beckett;" "shows up to where you go to lunch every day, Beckett;" "do you know what that means, Beckett?" "That my name is jam-packed with hard consonants?" "That lady over there is a stalker." "Oh, please, she is not a stalker." "That's her, isn't it?" " You don't know." " Yeah, I do." "It is her." "All right, people, Pastor Terrence is on his way up with Sir." "He has built millions out of the gullible, and it's our turn to do the same to him." "Oh, good!" "Maybe he'll help baptize my cat." " Where's the pastor?" " Oh, he got off on the last floor, because Stephanie saw fit to question his career of serving God." "I did not question his career... just the existence of this "God" character." " Small talk." " That is not small talk." "This is small talk, watch me." "Gordon, how was your night last night?" "It was great!" "I went to my knitting circle." "I was having an awesome time until my yarn got caught in one of the motorized wheelchairs." "Ha!" "Ha!" "Well..." "Hey, maybe you'll knit something for me someday, huh?" "That is small talk." "I got your text, what's the emergency?" "Look at this!" "Gross!" "It's covered in fingerprints and teriyaki sauce." "Yeah, this baby chicken was delicious!" "But look past that, look at this." "It's photos of Julie with author after author." "She is obsessed!" "Wait a minute, a book blogger has photos with authors she blogs about?" "This is a story that CNN might be interested in!" "Look at her eyes, she is crazy!" "Who's crazy?" " What are you doing here?" " Oh, I applied for a job this morning." "I have an interview." "Surprise, blogging and podcasting doesn't pay so well." " Or at all." " Job interview." "Hey, Abby, remember going to one of those?" " Good luck with the interview." " Thanks, Beckett." " Watch your step." " Are you threatening me?" "No, there's some water on the floor over there." " Ok, thank you." " But seriously, watch your step." "It appears that they recently mopped." "There are so many things I never got around to teaching you when you were growing up, like, you know, how to throw a ball or drive a car or how to speak to people without offending them to their very core." "No, that's ok, Dad, I figured that stuff out on my own." "Ah, you really didn't." "That's why we're gonna spend a little time on the elevator," " so you can practice your small talk, alright?" " Oh!" "And I can take notes." "I don't recall inviting you along, Bryce." "No one ever invites me anywhere, and yet somehow, I'm always there." "Come on!" "Ah!" "On the 5th floor, I see." "Watch out for that receptionist, she's a real piece of work." " She's my wife." " Oh!" "So, seen any great movies lately?" "Oh!" "I mean, heard any great soundtracks from any movies that you're too blind to see?" "Congratulations!" "When are you due?" "I'm not pregnant." "Are you sure?" "Because there is that show where the women don't know they're pregnant, and then splash!" "You're a mother." "Hey!" "You have a stalker, and I had to hear it from Abby?" "She's not a stalker." "Stalker, groupie, book banger, whatever she is." " She loves literature." " Yeah, in bed." "Come on, man." "She's nice, she's attractive," " I think we'd get along." " Oh, I'm sure you would in bed." "You bringing back the "in bed" thing, it's pretty juvenile." "Yeah, I know, I'm sorry." "Graham and I have been doing it a lot lately." " In bed?" " Grow up, man, you're better than this." "In bed." " Wanted to see me?" " Yeah, sweetie." "Come on, sit down." "You know," "I think I figured out what my problem is." "I think I threw you into the deep end too quickly." "Well, that's how you taught me to swim." "But this time, the fear of drowning isn't causing your little feet to kick." "So I think with small talk, we're gonna start you out in the kiddie pool, all right?" " Uh, Bryce, the paper?" " I hold in my hand" " a sheet of paper..." " And no speech." " As you wish." " What is this?" "A comprehensive list of permissible elevator conversation topics." ""The weather." That's it?" "Yeah." "I think that as long as you stick to the weather," " you can't get into any trouble." " Knock!" "Knock!" "Remember when you said to me," ""Maybe you'll knit something for me one day"?" " That day is today!" " Oh, I guess the keyword was "maybe"." "Gordon, what a lovely weather we're having, hmm?" "Yes, it's wonderful!" "So, your present is useless." "I'm gonna go knit you a muzzle." "You're listening to Couldn't Stop Reading." "I am talking to the profound and poignant Beckett Ryan, the greatest author of all time!" "I don't know about "all time"." "Who can predict the future?" "Well, my regular listeners know this, but Beckett, of course, does not." "I was an office worker who was downsized and consequently went into a bit of a tailspin." "Long story short," "I've been banned from the CN Tower for life." " Then I found your book." " Well, that is great to hear." "I mean, not the tailspin part." "I could tell you so much more." "You have no idea, Beckett." "It's just like that part in the book where..." "Oh, that's too embarrassing." "Come on, tell me, I won't..." "I won't laugh." "It's just... my favourite part was when Carlton and Athena made love all night." "Well, you know what they say," " "Write what you know."" " Ha!" "Ha!" "Ha!" "I don't get it." "I'm getting kind of hungry." "What do you say we put this podcast on hold for a minute?" " In bed?" " Oh..." "So that joke is coming back." "I wasn't joking." " Down the hall, 2nd door left." " Yeah, I know where it is." "I'll get some water, it's good to stay hydrated." " Hey, why do you have 2 waters?" " Is Julie here?" " Mm-hm, in bed." " No, Beckett, this is what you call a bad idea." "You know, I thought so too at first, and then she asked me to sleep with her, and I couldn't think of one reason not to!" "Oh!" "Thin's here." "Listen, do you have an umbrella I could use?" " Really?" " I'm about to make it rain." "Hey, buddy, how did it go with little miss blogger?" "Did ya "log in", if you know what I mean!" "Yes and please stop meaning that." "Ah, come on, man!" "What's the point of having sex if you're not gonna tell people about it?" "I always tell you!" "Yeah, and I always beg you to stop." "Look, I like Julie." "You know?" "She's great." "I mean, she's a little domineering." "Nice!" "Doesn't mean what you think it means." " Hey, sweetie, sweetie!" " What?" " Making any progress with the small talk?" " Oh, yeah, you know, not bad." "I haven't said anything negative or insensitive to anyone." " Oh, that's great, honey." " Yeah, actually today, somebody asked me for the time, so I hired her." "Well, I, I, I guess that's progress." "Hey, work chums!" " Julie?" " Beckett, you work here too?" "That is totally something I did not already know." " You two know each other?" " Oh, they've met if you know what I mean." "I don't." "And that brings us back to the bullpen, a term you may know from rodeo and baseball, but which I like to attribute to Phineas Bullpen, the father of modern public relations." "Mm-hm, fascinating." "Hi, Beckett." "What were the chances that we would both end up working in the same office?" "I'd say they're pretty good." " Never mind him." " Well, I better get started." "This is gonna be so fun!" "We're gonna start seeing so much more of each other." "Do you think it's gonna be weird?" "No, no." "Ok." "It's gonna get weird." "Ok, she's clearly crazy, so here's what you do:" "you have one more insane romp on your desk and you cut her loose." "No." "Why would I even do that?" "Because you can." "Do I have to explain everything to you?" "For our anniversary, Graham and I did it right here on your desk." "Ah, come on, man, I eat here!" "Yeah, like right here?" "Hi, Beckett!" "You can eat right here." "Hi, Beckett." "New girl question: it seems like" "Nelson's pretty much top dog around here, how come?" "Uh, well, you know, Nelson's kind of a star." "He brings in more clients than anybody but Dave." "In fact, right now, he's on the verge of getting" "Pastor Terrence back." "I could never do that." "Listen up, silly duck, if you're half as good at this as you are at writing, you will have Nelson's job in no time." "Oh, I don't know, I'm just a copywriter." "Well, that's stinking thinking, mister." "If you applied yourself at work like you apply yourself in the sack, you'd be exactly like Nelson." "Oh, well, now you just got me thinking of Nelson in the sack." "Maybe this will take your mind off of Nelson in the sack." " You're welcome." " That did it." "Well, it would clearly be irresponsible to allow you to practice small talk on the general public, so we'll practice on somebody who is impervious to verbal abuse, emotional assaults, and just plain slander." " My pleasure, Sir." " Thank you, Bryce." "Now, I'm gonna give you a phrase that's the most innocuous phrase you can use on anyone at any time." "That phrase is, "Another day, another dollar."" " Now, you practice that on Bryce." " Ok." "Hello, Bryce." " Hi, Stephanie." " Another day, another dollar." " You got that right." " Seriously," "I've seen the payroll, and you're getting a raw deal." "I knew it!" "I knew it!" "Bryce, I was gonna give you a bonus at Christmas." "Well, you've done it, you've broken the unbreakable." "I have seen clients literally spit in that man's face, and he just goes on collating." "I'm sorry, but how's this for small talk?" "I can't do it and I don't care!" "Still not quite there." "Next stop on the knitting train." "Now, it started as a tea cozy, but then I remembered you don't drink tea, so I just kept going." " Still cozy." " Ah, thank you, Gordon." "No thanks needed." "You might want to check on Bryce though, he's crying pretty hard out there." "On the count of three, open your eyes." " I'm excited." " One, two," " three!" " Wow!" "That's amazing!" "Julie, thank you." "Well, I figured somebody on his way to the top deserves a better workspace, so I colour-coded your files, organized your pens and pencils, added a mirror so that you can gaze upon the beauty that I do when I stare into your face." " Hello!" " I also organized your e-mails, deleted all the ones from that Stephanie bitch, and created a client call list." "This is good!" "Wait." "What did you say about Stephanie?" "Oh!" "That she's rich." "Good thing too 'cause she's a bit of an "uggo"." "Hey, Nelson, I have a call list." " What are all these checkmarks?" " Those are outgoing calls." "I just heard from Pastor Terrence." "He wants us to represent him after all." "Good work, Beckett." " Wait a minute." "Me?" " Yeah." "You, my new star." "Yeah." "Oh, and Nelson, you better watch yourself, someone's nipping at your heels." "Oh!" "And, Nelson, stop sending racist jokes to the clients, it's very unprofessional." "Diiiid youuu call" "Pastor Terrence and pretend to be me?" ""Diiiid youuu call Pastor Terrence and pretend to be me?"" " What the hell, man!" "?" " Ok, I know, it's a little weird, but it's her first day." "You're defending her?" "Ok, just so you know," "Graham and I also had sex right here!" "Anybody in here?" "Come in, Nelson." " Why is the light off?" " My thoughts need darkness." "Who the hell do you think you are?" "I'm Julie Anderson, book blogger, nightmare maker, and on Thursday nights," "I take an adult improv class." "Listen, there is nothing you can do to scare me off, ok?" "Either from my job or my best friend." "Someone once stood in the way of my boyfriend and a job before, it didn't end well." "What's in the jar?" "What's in the jar!" "?" "Open it." "It's empty!" "It's empty!" "Oh, this is my firm control paste with anti-humectant finishing gloss!" "My hair!" "Oh, my hair!" "Oh!" "Ow, my knees." "My knees." "I have all your hair care products right here." "So get out of my way, pretty boy." "Beckett Ryan is going places, and I'm gonna ride him all the way to the top." "Nelson?" "My God, man," " what did you do to your hair?" " Nothing." "That's the problem." "Without proper maintenance," "I end up looking like gravity bitch-slapped me!" "Your crazy stalker stole my hair products." "Well, I think you could probably go a day without hair care." "I have a regiment, Beckett, a regiment, ok?" "I'm not like you," "I can't just survive on a pocket comb and a prayer." "Beckett, you need to..." " Ah, what happened to you?" " Crazy stalker." "Ok, you need to see this!" "Alright, photo of me on the Ferris wheel, photo of me on the beach, photo of me with my mom." " You take a lot of photos." " I used to be in those photos." "Julie has photoshopped me out of your past!" "Now, if I could just figure out how to photoshop you out of the present." "Look, I'm sure there's a perfectly logical explanation for all of this." "Hi, Beckett." "I was just taking a nap under your desk." "I bought you a new mug." " With your picture on it." " Sleeping." " Julie, when did you take this picture?" " Last night, silly." "Hey, I have an idea." "Why don't we do something later just "twosies", you know, alone." " Poop!" " Oh!" "It's, uh..." "Oh, my God," "I threw out these pajamas a month ago." "Hey, guys, I have a stalker." "Yes!" " Here." " Oh!" "What is this?" " It's my letter of resignation." " Sweetie, sit down." "Come on, come." "You know..." "I guess I just feel like, as a father, I failed you in so many, many ways." "And I just wanted to fix this one little thing, this one little, massively- career-hindering thing." " When I was a kid, we used to small talk all the time." " Yeah." "Like when I made the volleyball team, and you said," ""Good weather for it." And when my first boyfriend broke up with me and you said, "Can you believe this traffic?"" "Or when grandma died and you said," ""Easy come, easy go."" "Oh, my God!" "My entire childhood, we never had one meaningful conversation." " Hmm?" " Maybe this is why" "I'm so traumatized by pointless chitchat." "You small talked my childhood away!" "Well, you know what they say," ""I'm a horrible man."" "But why couldn't you talk to me?" " Didn't you care?" " Well, no, it's..." "I guess I was just afraid that I would say something wrong, and you wouldn't want to be with me anymore." "You know, you'd just want to be with your mom, and then you'd grow up to be just like her, and then I wouldn't want to be with you anymore." " Dad..." " I know, I'm joking, but it was a real fear." "It's quitting time, what do you say we get out of here, huh?" "Yeah. "Another day, another dollar."" "Yep." "What?" " Looks like we might get that rain after all." " Bryce?" " No rest for the wicked, huh, Bryce?" " I think she's got it!" "Hey, Gordon, working hard or hardly working?" "Hardly working." "By George, I think she's got it!" "Oh, well, it will all come out in the wash." " Got to make hay while the sun's shining." " All is well that ends well." "Tough day, hey?" "It's a "dog eat dog" world." "Fly way, little bird." "Uh..." "Hi, Nelson." "And despite the excellent disguise, I'm gonna guess..." "Abby?" "Ah, yes!" " What are you doing here?" " You know about this place?" "Yes, you guys both know that I'm here to break up with Julie." "Ok, Beckett, look." "You need our help with this." "Breaking up with a stalker, it's a very delicate thing." "Yeah, like a stab-in-the-eye- with-a-shrimp-fork delicate." "Guys, I appreciate your concern, but I'm fine." "She's here." "Give him the fork!" "I'm not taking the shrimp fork!" "Ok, give me the fork." " Hi, Beckett." " Hi, hi!" "Welcome, have a seat, please." "Thanks for coming." "You're a great girl." "Well, you're a girl." "And, um..." "I really appreciate everything that you've done for me..." " I'm so glad." " Yeah, it's just there comes a time when 2 adults" " who are starting a..." " Oh, my God!" "Are those your clingy friends over there!" "?" "I told you "twosies"!" "This is a real betrayal, Beckett, a real betrayal." "You know?" "What is their deal anyway, huh?" "Oh, oh, oh!" "It's like they're obsessed with you." "I'm Nelson." "I'm gay... for Beckett!" "Oh, and then the other one is all like," ""Oh, I'm your ex, but I'll walk in on you having sex with another woman."" "Disgusting!" "And don't even get me started on Stephanie." "I mean, to be honest, I just feel bad for her." "That face, it's just such a shame." "The point is, your friends are stalking you." "So if you want this relationship to work, you're gonna have to choose between them or me." " Them." " I'll decide for you!" "It's over!" "He's all yours, psychos!" "So, didn't need our help, huh?" "Could have done it yourself, huh?" "All right, fine." "I couldn't live a minute without you." " In bed!" " Oh, snap!" "Don't make me use this." "Come on out, silly, don't keep 'em waiting!" "I'm coming as fast I can, Gordon." "Hi, Dad, that's a very cozy suit you got there." " Sure is." " Tell her the best part, Dave." "Oh yes, suit came with underwear." "Gordon knit me a thong." "It comes with a special cream for the chafing." "I'm gonna go get it." "Woohoo." "Bonus." "I guess all that small talk really paid off." "Hm-hm-hm, yeah." "You know what?" "I'm gonna go to my office right now and, word of warning, very shortly after that, I will be naked." " Hey, guys." " Hey, nice suit!" "Hey, shut up." "Man, it is good to have this back." "Yeah, and it is good to have Julie gone." "Yeah, but for a stalker, she gave up pretty quick." "Beckett, I made a mistake!" "I haven't given up on you!" " Coffee?" " Yeah." "Wait!" "Please, Beckett!" "Where are you going?" "There are some very aggressive looking pigeons out here!" "Beckett!" "And they seem to be swarming!" "Take four?" "Did I sleep... did I sleep through a few takes?" " You were great." " Ok..." "Oh, good, all right, that's all I care about, you know?"