"Please don't say anything." "I don't want to make a big deal out of it." "Come on, it'll be fun." "So, Peggy, your little boy's birthday is coming up." "I know when he was born, I was front and center." "Spread-eagled in stirrups, screaming, "get this monster out of me""" "did I tell you not to bring it up?" "You did." "Thank God it was in the days before video, otherwise we'd still be watching game tapes." "Well, anyway, I think it might be fun to throw a little party this year." "We usually go to the iHOP." "He eats for free, and I get the senior discount." "We're in and out for six bucks." "$6.50 if mom's in a tipping mood." "Mm-hmm." "Hey, if I got to hold my coffee cup in the air like the statue of liberty every time I need a refill," "Rosarita can live off the money she skims from the till." "Besides, we're not really a party-throwing kind of family." "You mean you've never had a birthday party?" "I threw him one when he turned nine, and that is a nightmare I will not repeat." "Here we go." "Decorated the house, invited all the neighbor kids, even the poor ones with crooked teeth and dirty necks." "The Cateneso twins." "Their dad drank." "So, what happened?" "Well, the birthday boy ate three hamburgers, four quarter-hunks of cake, and a plastic Reagan head full of jelly bellys." "I got overexcited." "It was my birthday." "Barf-day is more like it." "He started spraying like a water wiggle full of urp." "People were running out of here like they were on the Poseidon." "During pin the tail on the donkey, when they blindfolded me and spun me around, it kind of all went South." "It went South, north, east and west." "I've been finding whole jelly beans for years after." "It's like he didn't even chew 'em." "She gets the picture, ma." "I can almost smell it." "Well, it is the same couch." "Who wants peach cobbler?" "♪ For the first time in my life ♪" "♪ I see love." "here, this is the woman I've been telling you about." "She is also from Africa." "That picture ain't Africa." "That's Lincoln park." "I recognize the hotdog vendor." "Gary." "Or Jerry?" "She's a beautiful woman, if that is indeed her real picture." "What are you talking about?" "People lie all the time on these dating sites." "I once tried hooking up with this hot Filipino chick, ended up being a short Guatemalan man named Roberto." "Oh, yeah, he was a nice guy." "Mm." "Real sweetheart;" "Bought dinner that night and taught me how to salsa-dance." "Well, Amira is who she says she is." "We have e-mailed on several occasions, and tonight, we're meeting face-to-face." "I hope it works out for you, pal." "Me, too." "Most of my success stories came on the international love sites." "Your Russian, Czechoslovakian, Ukrainian..." "When they don't speak English, it gives him a two-week head start before they realize he's full of crap in any language." "Two weeks is more than enough time to do what I need to do and a couple of things I thought I wanted to do, but once I did them, I wish I hadn't." "I'm actually hoping for something more substantial and long-term." "A soul mate who appreciates me for who I am." "And I hope that's on your profile page, 'cause that's the kind of crap-ski that can get a comrade laid-ski." "Never mind him, Samuel." "I'm glad you're being honest and starting things off on the right foot." "Thank you, Mike." "Oh, by the way, may I borrow your car tonight?" "What do you need my car for?" "I told her I had a car." "It seemed slightly more impressive than telling her" "I had four days left on my bus pass." "That's good, but try to keep the lies to a minimum, otherwise, after two weeks, you're gonna have some angry Ukrainian bitch demanding to see the rocks you collected on your moon walk." "His mom hasn't thrown him a birthday party since he was nine?" "That's so sad." "Well, you've met her." "She's a... hideous woman." "Guess that explains why he's 35, never been married, and puts his belt on with a boomerang." "So, his weight issues are because of his relationship with his mother?" "What does that say about you and me?" "You're big-boned and have a hearty appetite." "Now pipe down and get mama some more wine." "Okay, mama." "So, are you gonna go ahead and throw him a party?" "I'm thinking about it." "Maybe a surprise party." "Just have to get typhoid Peggy on board." "I say we do it." "Yeah, let's give that poor, sweet man the love and attention he never got as a fat little boy." "Hey, everybody." "Hi." "Speak of the devil." "We were just talking about you." "Oh, really?" "What about?" "Nothing." "We're just glad you're living here with us." "And that you're a part of our family." "Thanks." "Appreciate it." "No." "We appreciate you." "Just the way you are." "What's up with this?" "They're drunk and they..." "like you." "Oh, okay, well, I like you, too." "I'll get that;" "You gals stay here and maybe think about getting a little food in your stomach." "All right, if we are gonna throw him a surprise party, we are off to a very poor start." "Sorry, pal, I'm not donating to the nation of islam." "I'm sorry I don't meet your fashion standards," "Mr. Blackwell." "I'm just kidding;" "You look swell." "This girl's gonna be very impressed, especially when you roll up in a freshly armor alled" "Mitsubishi Galant." "I really appreciate the use of your car." "Wow, somebody's either got a date, or he's collecting money for the nation of Islam." "Okay, I'm losing the tie." "He met a nice girl online." "I'm letting him borrow my car." "Oh, that's great." "Did you tell him about the brakes?" "I was getting to that." "Uh, just a couple of things you need to know about sweet lady Galant." "She can be a bitch." "I got this." "She can be a bitch." "You got to start pumping the brakes about a half a block before you get to a stop sign." "Yeah, and if you think you're gonna stop short, keep your hand on the emergency brake, and be prepared to yank that sucker like your life depends on it, 'cause it does." "Other than that, have fun." "Okay, uh, thanks." "I'll have it back to you tomorrow morning." "Not if you park on a hill, you won't." "So, what are you doing for your birthday this year?" "I guess it's just me and mom at the iHOP." "You're welcome to join us if you want." "Watching you wolf down a Belgian waffle with strawberry compote while your mom describes what a blood bath your birth was?" "No, thank you." "Good morning, my brothers from another mother." "What a glorious day it is." "Wow." "Sounds like somebody's date went pretty well, huh?" "Amira was more beautiful than her pictures." "It was a perfect evening." "Hey, you didn't do it in my car, did you?" "Well, as much as I wanted to consummate our attraction on a vinyl car seat covered in Arby's wrappers..." "I chose to wait until we had proper courtship." "Plus, she wouldn't let me." "So, where'd you take her?" "We had a five-course dinner at the Florentine and split a bottle of champagne." "And she still wouldn't give it up?" "Every one of them online Svetlanas was good to go after a roach coach taco and a can of Foster's lager." "Look, I don't want to pry, Samuel, but that sounds like a pretty expensive evening for a man of, shall we say, meager means." "What Mike is wondering is how a broke ass-schmuck like you is paying for all this crap?" "I gleaned that on my own, Carl." "Last night's magic was courtesy of my now maxed-out discover card." "And how long do you plan on maintaining this level of costly, sexless courtship?" "Well, I was hoping you gentlemen would either loan me the money or leave me a 700% tip." "Hey, look, I already let you borrow my car, which you still haven't returned, by the way." "That's right." "Here are the keys." "Thank you." "Amira was very impressed with your car." "The valet at the restaurant, eh, not so much." "Hello, Samuel." "Oh, my goodness, there she is." "I have missed you so much." "I missed you, too." "Wow, I got to get back to Africa and embrace my roots." "Me, too." "Amira, these are my friends, Mike and Carl." "Gentlemen, this is Amira." "Hi." "Hi, Amira." "Nice to meet you." "Samuel has spoken so highly of both of you." "But he did not mention how handsome and masculine you are." "Well..." "Guys don't talk that way about other guys." "Even if it is true." "Especially when it's true." "So to what do I owe this wonderful surprise?" "I was just hoping that after you closed up your restaurant, we could go for a drive in your Mitsubishi Cadillac." "I would love that." "Oh, right." "Thanks for loaning me your Cadillac." "Did you remember to put gas back in it?" "Sadly, no." "Here's 20 to cover it." "It's a big tank." "Glad I didn't borrow Samuel's car." "And believe it or not," "I got Mike's mom to agree to a party at her place." "Wow, how'd you do that?" "I agreed to clean up his cake vomit." "That's fair." "And when he comes to pick her up to go to iHOP..." "Surprise!" "Shh." "Surprise." "So, what do we do when he comes down for breakfast?" "Pretend we forgot it's his birthday?" "No." "No, no, classic mistake." "Acknowledge it the way you normally would, but don't go overboard." "It'll make him suspicious." "Kind of like when you get pulled over by the cops when you're high on weed." "You want to act straight, but not too straight." "I never thought I would say this, but you are absolutely right." "Morning, ladies." "Hey, sweetie." "Happy Birthday." "That's right, it is my birthday." "Congratulations, officer." "I realize you're just doing your job." "Well, I'm not treating you different today than I do any other day." "Okey-dokey, señor chunko?" "Mom, Victoria, quit being so weird." "They're-they're so weird." "You'd better get out of here." "And get away..." "g-get out of here." "Get away from these weirdos." "Happy Birthday!" "Lucky for you two, he is a very simple man." "Something's up." "Those women are acting freakier than usual." "I think it's got something to do with my birthday." "Is today your birthday?" "How did that sneak up on me?" "Happy Birthday." "Thanks." "Hey, after work, what do you say you and I go grab a couple of beers, maybe shoot a game of pool?" "No, you can't." "You got to be at your mom's between 6:00 and 6:15." "To take her to the iHOP." "For your birthday." "Which I forgot about." "Molly's throwing me a surprise party, isn't she?" "And she's going to a lot of trouble, too, so when you walk in that door, you'd better act good and surprised!" "Ah, this is great." "I can't believe I'm getting a surprise party!" "I hope you're gonna do better than that 'cause that was terrible." "What are you talking about?" "That was real." "Well, your real is totally unbelievable." "I mean, we need you to appear excited, but don't act like they just called your name on the price is right." "Carl, don't worry about it." "I can handle this." "It's like when somebody sets you up with a sure thing." "I mean, you know eventually her clothes are gonna come off, but when they do, you got to act like," ""oh, my goodness, what an unexpected treat."" "Otherwise, that poor girl's just gonna feel like a whore." "I get it." "Surprised, but not too surprised." "And, look, tonight I need you to keep an eye on me." "Don't let me eat too much or get overexcited." "So my whole night's gonna be spent keeping cake out of that mouth?" "Do I get to wear falcon gloves and carry a tennis racket?" "I'm just asking you, as a friend, to keep an eye on me." "Fine!" "I will limit you to one piece of Nana's cake." "And she's been working on it all morning, so try and act surprised, but not too surprised!" "Nana's making a cake?" "Oh, man, this is the best birthday ever!" "See, that right there is too much." "If I'd acted that way with the sure thing, she would've put her top back on and kicked me out of that toll booth." "I'll take care of the streamers, you and mom start blowing up balloons." "Got it." "Maybe dust a little." "Take a rag to these windows." "Sure." "Right after we delouse the carpet." "Oh, I'm sorry, is my mud hut not fancy enough for your snazzy to-do?" "No, we just thought we could spruce things up a little." "Well, if you're feeling in a Mary Poppins kind of mood, the upstairs crapper is sporting four shades of ugly." "We'll just hang more balloons and try to keep the guests downstairs." "Here we go!" "All right!" "Old lady coming through!" "Okay, Nana, we're here." "Watch that carpet." "You don't want to fall down and break a hip." "Tell this fool to quit yelling at me before I slap the grecian formula out of his hair." "Spry old chicken, isn't she?" "You want to sit down, Nana, take a load off?" "If I'm as feeble as you think I am, then why ain't you carrying my damn cake?" "I got a bad back, and I didn't want you to feel completely useless." "Hey, Nana, let me take that." "You didn't park in front of the house, did you?" "I parked down the street like you told me." "Made me lug my cake a block and a half, the whole time trying to talk me into buying a racehorse." "I was offering you an investment opportunity that'll take care of you in your dotage, which let's be honest, is almost over." "I'm gonna kill this man." "Wait till after the party and we'll all help." "$1,400?" "The woman at the store said that if I bought this dress, that I had to buy the shoes and I had to buy the earrings." "$1,400?" "!" "That's okay, right?" "Of course." "I'm a successful restauranteur, not some poor waiter who has to sell his blood and semen just to pay for it." "Samuel, I'm late for the party." "Give me the keys." "You mean the keys to the Cadillac?" "Yes." "Funny story, Mike." "Amira was late for her pedicure and needed to borrow my car." "And what's the punch line?" "Towed, wrecked or stolen?" "Misplaced." "But look at her." "Can't expect her to be smart, too." "May I borrow $1,400?" "Ooh, car, car, car, car, car, car!" "Everybody hide!" "Oh, nope." "Nice car." "False alarm." "Man, it's been an hour since I dropped him off, and he knows we're all waiting here for him." "Carl!" "I'm sorry, he knows what?" "What?" "Carl!" "Hang on, now." "You guys were the ones acting weird, making him all suspicious." "And all I did was just confirm those suspicions." "Mike didn't want to hurt your feelings by letting on that he knew." "Really?" "That's sweet." "And Mike told Carl not to tell you, so I guess that's two secrets that you've blown today." "Way to go, double-o stupid." "Oh, this might be him." "He already knows!" "What's wrong with you people?" "Knock it off!" "It's a city bus, not the tunnel of love!" "Sorry." "Excuse me." "I will enjoy the new Nano you bought me." "What?" "!" "My party started over an hour ago." "And every time this bus makes another stop," "I hate you a little more." "I know, Mike, but look at her." "Isn't she adorable?" "Yes, she is, but how long do you think you can keep up this ruse?" "18 days." "That's only if I can get somebody to buy one of my kidneys." "I'll ask around." "But until then, you need to come clean with this girl and tell her the truth about yourself." "What?" "That I'm a penniless waiter who shares an apartment with three other penniless waiters and two penniless cabbies?" "We're on a cross-town bus and you live with a cabbie?" "Look, I'm just saying, if this woman doesn't care about you for who you really are, then she's not the right one." "But I don't want to lose her, Mike." "If she doesn't know who you are, you don't really have her in the first place." "I just get so lonely." "When you met Molly, it filled me with hope." "But when Carl got a girlfriend, I wanted to hang myself." "Well, with me and Molly, it was destiny." "In Carl's case, just pure, dumb luck." "Like a chicken predicting the super bowl point spread." "So you think if I tell Amira the truth about myself," "I could have what you have?" "Sure hope so." "I mean, look at me." "I don't know where my car is, I'm riding on this stinky bus, an hour late for my own party, but because I know Molly's sitting there waiting for me, it's still the best birthday of my life." "That's beautiful." "I'm going to tell Amira the truth right now." "Can you wait until after my party?" "'Cause I only get one, like, every 25 years." "Of course." "Happy Birthday." "Are we done here?" "Yeah, we're done." "Sorry I'm late, mom." "Molly, what are you doing here?" "And what are all these decorations?" "Don't bother." "What do you mean?" "The jig is up." "We waited two hours, and everybody left and went to iHOP." "Which is where we should have gone in the first place." "Let it go, old woman!" "It's always your way or the highway, isn't it, duchess?" "!" "Get off my back!" "Stop fighting;" "It's my birthday!" "Surprise!" "So I do get a party?" "!" "We are having a party?" "!" "This is it, right?" "!" "We got him!" "Got him good!" "Make a wish." "I don't need to." "I already got everything I want." "♪ Happy Birthday to you isn't that sweet?" "True love." "Yes." "Samuel, I want a house." "And so it shall be."