"Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Mrs Brown's Boys!" "APPLAUSE AND CHEERING" "# That's Mrs Brown" "# Oh, Mrs Brown. #" "Hello!" "Well, it's all baby fever today." "What?" "Not you." "Shut up!" "Dermot and Maria... they're going for their first prenatal classes." "Pre what?" "Nothing!" "Shut up!" "Here!" "Do your jigsaw." "It's a chicken." "Where was I?" "Oh, yes... prenatal classes!" "No prenatal classes in MY day." "You must be joking!" "If I asked the doctor, was there anything" "I needed to know before the birth?" "He'd tell me where to get the bus to the maternity hospital." "Good morning, Mammy!" "Good morning, Cathy." "How are you, love?" "Fine." "I'm sorry the boyfriend turned out to be married." "It must be upsetting." "Not at all, Mammy." "I'm over that." "Good." "You have to expect that from men." "They're just lying bastards." "It's no wonder there's so much strife in the world... it's run by men." "How could anything good be done, when it's a group of men that sit in a conference, pretending to listen, when all they're doing is trying to think of what THEY will say next, so they can sound clever." "And even then it'll be a lie." "They'd make you sick, men... and I mean sick!" "Vomit inducing, vermin, rat bastards, every single one of them!" "Well, as long as you're over it." "Oh, I AM over it, Mammy." "I'm never having anything to do with men again!" "How are you, Cathy?" "Bastards!" "Love YOU!" ".." "What did I do on Cathy?" "Same as you did on the rest of the world." "You were born." "Hey, Grandad, what are you at?" "He's doing his jigsaw." "Ah, I'm great at jigsaws!" "Well, work away, son!" "It's a chicken!" "Morning, Mrs Brown." "Ah, Maria." "I packed all your books into the bag, and I put one of Cathy's notebooks in, in case you need to take notes." "Thanks very much, Mrs Brown." "Gosh, I'm a bit nervous." "Now, there's nothing to be nervous about." "Ah, lovely!" "What language is that?" "No, Winnie, it's a class..." "Maria, no, don't bother." "Just go, just go!" "Come on, Grandad, let's get ready for your day trip." "The bus will be here any minute." "You're going to have a lovely day... 14 times around the block." "Is Dermot gone?" "Yes." "He said he wanted to talk to me!" "You were stuck into your jigsaw!" "Dermo..." "Dermo!" "APPLAUSE" "Are they gone?" "You just missed them." "Ah, I wanted to wish them luck at their prenatal classes." "Too late!" "They're so lucky." "I'd love a baby!" "You wouldn't love a baby if you had to feckin' have it!" "Ah, you soon forget the pain once you see that baby." "You speak for yourself, Winnie!" "I'll never feckin' forget!" "Jesus, Dermot Brown was 13 pounds 7 ounces!" "I still wake him up during the night!" ""You tore the arse out of me!"" "My Sharon was only five pounds!" "Well, you can't expect to catch a shark with a worm!" "Jesus, Winnie, you should have seen me on my first!" "I was lying there, Redser was holding me hand." "SHE GROANS AND YELLS" "I looked at him. "Ya baldy bastard!"" "And that was only the conception!" "THEY LAUGH" "Agnes Brown, what would I do without you to make me laugh?" "!" "Oh, you'd manage." "You have a feckin' mirror, haven't you?" "BABY CRIES" "Ssssh!" "Sssssssh!" "Sssssh!" "What the hell is going on?" "!" "I'm sorry, Mrs Brown, did the baby wake you?" "Baby?" "!" "Have I been in a feckin' coma?" "!" "You were only seven months pregnant this morning!" "What did they do at the prenatal classes... use a feckin' plunger?" "!" "It's an experimental robot baby." "Show me." "Oh, look!" "Hello!" "Coochy-coo!" "Mrs Brown, it's a robot." "IN ROBOTIC VOICE:" "Me-ni-me-ni-me-ni-me!" "Where did you get that?" "At the prenatal classes." "They were handing these practice robot babies out to volunteers." "It's to give you a feel of what it's like to have a baby in the house." "I could have told you that!" "If they cry, you cuddle them." "If they're hungry, you feed them." "If they shit themselves, you wipe their arse." "And that goes on for 30 years!" "LOUD BANGING" "GRANDAD:" "What's going on?" "!" "Make that 90 years." "Nothing!" "Go back to sleep, Grandad!" "I can't sleep with the noise that dog's making." "Then, put him out of the bed!" "It cried like this at my mother's tonight." "It just wouldn't stop." "SHE couldn't even get it to stop!" "Well, give it to me, let me have a look." "See if I can help." "Come on." "Ssh!" "Now, now, now!" "Come on, come on, come on, come on." "Ssh, ssh, sssh!" "Come on!" "Ssh!" "BABY STOPS CRYING" "Mrs Brown, you have the touch!" "When you have a litter of your own, you have to learn SOMETHING." "Is that the basket?" "Yes." "I'll put him down, you go on to bed." "But then, I don't learn anything, do I?" "You learn what it's like to have a granny in the house." "Go on, go get some sleep." "Thank you." "Now, come on." "SHE LAUGHS QUIETLY" "So YOU'RE going to teach Maria, are you?" "Will you teach her that every baby is different?" "Will you teach her how important it is to be a wife AND a mother, and not treat either one as more important?" "I don't think so." "I know some things." "I'll tell you what I DON'T know." "I don't know how I'm going to get these fuckin' batteries back into you!" "Make that two, Mr Foley." "How are you?" "Sorry I missed you yesterday." "So, what's the story?" "I need to find somewhere to live." "It's getting close to the baby coming, and we can't stay in me ma's." "Thanks, Mr Foley." "I know where there's a place." "It's a bit small, only two bedrooms." "That's all we need." "And has a little front garden." "Lovely!" "And the rent's only 50 euros a month." "Brilliant!" "The only thing is, you'll have Chinese people living each side of you." "I don't care." "Where is it?" "Beijing!" "Shut up, Buster!" "She was the posh one in the family." "Yeah?" "Came to stay with us for a while." "I could hear her next door, with her husband." ""I'm arriving, I'm arriving!"" "You know what, Agnes?" "I could swear I could hear a baby crying in the middle of the night." "Has someone on our street got a new one?" "No, Dermot and Maria got a robot one to practise on." "A robot baby?" "!" "Mmm." "Jesus!" "When I was pregnant, they gave me a cabbage to practise on!" "And then you had Sharon..." "the real thing!" "Agnes, what did your Redser say when you told him you were pregnant on your first?" "He said, "We'd better get married, so!"" "That's nice!" "We were standing outside Kapiniski's Jewellers." "There was a sign in the window said, "Come in and pick your ring."" "Where is it?" "I didn't get one." "No?" "I told him I wanted a bicycle instead!" "A bike?" "!" "Yeah." "There was something about a bicycle at the time that felt like freedom." "Something about a ring that felt like handcuffs." "I don't know." "I was worth it, to get Mark." "He's an angel!" "I remember when Sharon was born." "Jacko kept staring at her." "Little red face..." "Full of wrinkles, snots and dribbles everywhere." "Aw!" "What about the baby?" "I KNEW you were going to say that!" "Winnie, everybody feckin' knew I was going to say that!" "Mammy, this is Professor Thomas Clowne, my course lecturer." "How do you do, Mrs Brown?" "I've heard so much about you!" "Winnie McGoogan..." "Jacko's wife!" "And Jacko is?" "Sick." "Very sick." "Yeah, not well at all." "He's still in hospital." "I'm sorry?" "Can we join you?" "If you're buying a drink." "Oh yes, of course." "A pint of cider and a glass of..." "Gin and tonic!" "It's free!" "A gin and tonic for Lady Muck!" "Ice and lemon as usual?" "So is THIS one married?" "Mammy, it's not like that." "He's my lecturer, my mentor!" "Jacko had a mentor." "Then he got rid of it and got a Cortina." "Does he take ALL his students out for a drink after classes?" "No." "I didn't think so." "Mentor, my arse." "He just wants to try his bow on your fiddle." "Mammy, it's not like that." "Thanks, pet." "So, how are we all then, eh?" "Agnes was just talkin' about you havin' it off with Cathy." "Sorry." "I'll get some ice." "Winnie is a bit drunk." "I'm sure you are wondering what I'm doing here with Cathy." "No." "She's a big girl, it's her life." "You know she's just been dumped..." "you know that?" "Mammy!" "Actually, I asked Cathy to bring me here to meet YOU." "To meet me?" "For what?" "Thomas is writing a book." "Thomas?" "What happened to "Professor"?" "I like my students to let their hair down." "I like my daughter to keep her knickers up!" "Mammy, for God's sake!" "She doesn't mean that." "Well, I mean, she does I do like to keep them up." "Oh, for God's sake!" "I knew this was a bad idea!" "So, son, you're writing a book?" "Yes." "He's writing a book." "Well done, son." "It's called The Place of Woman in Modern Society." "Sounds shite." "Needs a better title..." "like Roots." "Mammy, it's not that kind of book." "It's a look at how women have changed over the years." "Jeez, you're right there." "Look at the way Nellie Flanagan is after changing!" "My God, when she was a young girl, she'd boobies out to here!" "She's 69 now, they're down to here." "She has to pull down her knickers now to scratch her nipples!" "I warned you!" "No, Mrs Brown, it's about how women have changed over generations within society." "I wouldn't know anything about that." "Well, actually, Mrs Brown, I believe you know more than you think." "I'd love to study you." "Would she have to strip?" "Sorry." "No, son, that's not the kind of thing I'm..." "Mammy?" "Can I sleep on it?" "Is that all right?" "Fantastic." "Please do." "We were just talking about Maria..." "getting close to the birth." "Oh, she'll be glad when it's all over!" "Yeah!" "You know, Dr Freud said that pregnancy and giving birth are the two times when a woman is truly content." "Dr Freud should shite a bowling ball and tell us how fuckin' content he feels!" "Jacko loves bowling." "Morning, Mrs Brown." "Morning, Maria!" "How are you, love?" "I don't know how you do it, but that robot baby slept right through the night again last night!" "You're amazing!" "It's still asleep!" "You giving it back today?" "No... this evening." "Dermot's off work today so it's his turn to mind the baby." "That'll be interesting!" "Well I'll be here all day, so you needn't worry." "Don't you go doing too much, he has to learn, too!" "Oh, you must have heard the feckin' kettle boiling!" "Well, as you're pouring." "How are you, Maria?" "Morning, Mrs McGoogan." "How's Sharon?" "She's grand." "She's trying to lose a few pounds for her holidays." "Oh, God that's not easy for her she has an over active er." "Thyroid?" "Knife and fork!" "I didn't hear your robot baby last night Maria, bet you're getting the hang of it." "Well, I can't take all the credit." "Mrs Brown has been wonderful!" "Oh!" "When you think of it Agnes I was just as well they gave me a cabbage to practice on." "I mean, what could you learn from a robot baby?" "Lots of stuff." "Like how to feed it." "Jesus!" "I wouldn't let anything near my boobies that had batteries!" "Well then." "How to treat minor ailments like nappy rash!" "Spit on a dock leaf and put it on it." "No, that's nettle sting." "It is not." "It IS." "It's nettle sting!" "Oh, I used it for nappy rash." "Can't you just see Sharon running around the playground with her arse like a Caesar salad!" "So what else do you use dock leaves for?" "Telling the weather." "The weather?" "Tie them in a bunch, hang them in your garden and every day go out and feel them." "If they're wet... it's raining." "I'm going to try that." "I'm gonna do it right now." "Good girl!" "If you can't get dock leaves you get the same result with lettuce." "Lettuce... thanks, Agnes!" "Mrs Brown, you're terrible!" "Ah, it'll keep her feckin' busy!" "Right, then." "Oh, and before I forget... the IT man will be here this afternoon to check on the robot baby." "Will you make sure Dermot's here for that?" "I will." "And don't you be worrying!" "I'd better get moving. see ya!" "See ya, love!" "See you later, love." "Are you sure you'll be all right?" "I'll be grand." "Fine." "It's still asleep." "Amazing!" "I hope we're as lucky with the real thing!" "I doubt it!" "You never know son, you might be!" "Nah, Mammy." "You won't be able to take the batteries out of the real thing!" "Where are they?" "Here." "Mammy, you can't cheat at this." "The IT fella's coming today and he plugs the baby into a computer and the computer can tell everything, if it was fed, when it was changed." "Jesus Christ!" "Don't worry, I'll just say they slipped out when I was changing it, or something." "BABY WHIRS" "It's just re... booting..." "it'll take a few minutes!" "Do you want a cup of tea?" "Yeah." "While we can!" "Grandad!" "Grandad!" "There's tea down here!" "Must be strange having a baby in the house again!" "No." "It never leaves you." "I still wake up some nights thinking I can hear one of you's crying." "Did I cry a lot?" "I can't remember, son." "You remember different things about each of yous." "I remember Mark was born with a big head of curly black hair." "And Rory, Rory was the easiest birth and Rory was so cute so feckin' cute!" "And me was I curly?" "Was I cute?" "No, son." "You were forceps, by the time I got to you, your face was like an aardvark's arse." "And you weren't curly, you had hair from head to toe!" "I think the nurses thought I was after feckin' knitting you." "But you had those eyes." "Blue, blue eyes." "Oh, full of mischief, but beautiful." "BABY CRIES" "There's that baby." "It must be re-booting itself." "It's usually louder than that." "I'll get it." "Grandad!" "What are you feckin' sitting' on?" "Am I pregnant?" "That leg is crooked." "Don't worry about it, he'll grow out of it." "Mammy the IT man'll be here in ten minutes, that glue won't set." "You just go and get ready." "Leave this to me!" "Wait a minute!" "I've a feckin' idea!" "Thank you for the lift home, Thomas." "Pleasure!" "Smoked trout." "It'll be dry in no time!" "Is she here?" "I don't know, Thomas." "You see, she said she'd sleep on it." "Mammy!" "The professor is here." "Oh, shit!" "Sit down, Thomas." "Hello." "What do you want?" "I was just wondering, did you sleep on it?" "No, Grandad sat on it." "It was nothing to do with me!" "I swear I never touched it!" "What?" "What?" "What?" "What?" "Wait." "What was your what for?" "My what?" "Yes!" "Professor Clowne wants to know did you make up your mind about his book?" "Wait, the what?" "What?" "What was your what?" "I didn't what." "You did." "Your what was after my what before you asked Cathy what her what was for." "What?" "I haven't feckin' time for this!" "I've something in the oven." "Sit down, Thomas." "Thanks very much for calling, do call again." "Mammy!" "What?" "Thomas knows you're busy." "Sit down, Thomas." "He just wants to tell you what might be involved." "Fine." "There'll be a question and answer session." "That's nice." "And then one or two tests." "That's nice." "Mammy!" "That's nice!" "Hiya love!" "Maria, what are you doing here?" "I live here." "Well, for now anyway!" "I know, but you're early!" "Yeah." "When I told the ward nurse what was happening today she let me go early!" "Will someone tell me what is happening?" "I'm sorry." "Maria, this is my lecturer Professor Clowne!" "He's here to interview Mammy, about motherhood, funny enough." "Well you are talking to the right woman, Professor." "Mrs Brown is an amazing mother!" "I have never seen anyone better with babies." "Don't build her up too much." "DOOR BELL RINGS" "Maria, get that!" "What's happening?" "Nearly there, nearly there!" "This is Mr Donnellan, the IT Man from the pre-natal classes." "Hello." "Hello." "Where's the baby?" "In the kitchen with Mammy." "Do you want to do it in the kitchen?" "Here's fine." "Dermot, get the baby." "Get the baby?" "Yes." "The baby, get it!" "Mammy, they want the baby." "Coming, coming!" "It's coming!" "Now, there we go!" "He has a bit of a temperature... and a headache." "Maria, I'm really, really sorry." "Will you stop apologising, Mrs Brown?" "It was an accident." "You were trying to fix it, that's all." "Exactly." "I know you wouldn't put a real child in the oven." "Not by accident." "You're taking it very well." "Do you think so?" "Yes." "Just happy, I suppose." "Good." "Thanks for coming to the bingo with me." "I do love the company." "Ah, I had a great time." "Here, did you see that one sitting in front of us?" "Ah, you couldn't miss her." "Big bushy red hair, buck teeth." "Looks like she could eat an apple through a feckin' tennis racket." "What about her?" "She wins something EVERY Wednesday." "Every feckin' Wednesday!" "Does she?" "Mm!" "Winnie says she rides a motorbike." "I don't think that's all she's riding." "You still a bit crampy, love?" "Yeah." "It wouldn't be labour, would it, Mrs Brown?" "Labour?" "Jesus, no!" "What are you now, 32 weeks?" "Yeah." "No, baby might come early but not eight weeks early." "No, it's just wind." "And when it goes, you'll know about it." "I let one go when I was pregnant." "Me tights went up like a feckin' balloon!" "I'm looking forward to having a baby around the house." "Babies." "You what?" "I have to have a scan on Wednesday." "Another scan?" "For what?" "Dr Gibney thinks that it might be twins." "Feckin' twins?" "!" "Shh!" "Shh!" "Please, Mrs Brown!" "Zip, zip!" "I haven't told anyone yet and I don't want to until I'm sure." "You've told no-one?" "No." "Except you." "Well, in fairness, I think we should tell Dermot." "You're right, I will." "I know so little about having babies, or rearing them." "We're all the same on our first, love." "You find out about having them quick enough." "And as for rearing' them, I'm still feckin' learning." "SHE LAUGHS" "What are you giggling at?" "I'm just thinking about the innocence of it all." "What are we like?" "See me on my first?" "I went to the doctor for me first visit." "He told me to bring a sample with me." "I brought a feckin' milk bottle full!" "I'm sure the poor man thought there was a horse outside waiting to see him." "He told me to take the sample mid stream." "If you'd seen me in the wellies in the middle of that feckin' stream?" "!" "And all the fishermen were just staring at me." "I just went, "Don't mind me, I'm pregnant!"" "Oh, my God!" "So the doctor finishes his examination and I put me clothes on and he says "Now, Mrs Brown." "Have you any questions?"" ""Yes," I said. "I have."" "Says I, "What position will I be in having this?"" "And he said," ""The same position as you were when you conceived it!"" "Oh, for two weeks I thought I was going to have to stick me legs out the feckin' car window again!" "Beep, beep!" "Mind your horn, you!" "THEY GIGGLE" "Someone's having a good night." "Just girl talk." "That's all, just girl talk." "MRS BROWN CHUCKLES" "We were just talking about your father's driving test." "He failed, he failed!" "Oh, don't feckin' start me off!" "SHE CACKLES" "SHE LAUGHS" "Oh, Jeez!" "I'm after wetting meself!" "Oh!" "Oh, God!" "Look!" "Stop it, stop it." "I think I'll make a drop of tea." "Give you's a minute on your own." "Hee-hee-hee!" "Dermot, Maria has something she wants to tell you." "A bit of news?" "As the hurricane said to the palm tree," ""Hang on to your nuts, baby." "This ain't no ordinary blow job!"" "And here, you." "Son, you mind her." "Why?" "Just feckin' mind her!" "I'll get you one of them for Christmas!" "SHE GIGGLES" "Well, I have to have another scan." "Not a problem." "I'll get some time off work." "Let her feckin' finish!" "OK, sorry." "It's just..." "Well, Dr Gibney thinks it might be twins." "Jesus!" "Twins!" "Two babies!" "Usually, yes(!" ")" "Twins!" "Yeah, I know." "Batman and Robin!" "We're not going to call them that, are we?" "Of course not." "Dermot, I love you." "More pre-natal classes tomorrow." "Yeah!" "Are you nervous?" "Not really." "Are you?" "A bit." "It's all starting to become a little bit real." "Oh!" "I can feel a heel sticking out." "That's a bingo pen." "Oh." "Must be a girl, so!" "Oh, and Dermot?" "I don't want anybody else to know, OK?" "Not until I'm sure." "OK, sure." "CHEERING" "Mammy told us!" "How do you do that?" "SHE GIGGLES" "TOILET FLUSHING" "What's going on?" "Twins!" "Nah, but it felt like it." "ALL:" "Twins!" "So there you have it." "That's life with children." "Sometimes you wish you had more and sometimes you wish you'd kept your knees together." "You know, somebody said it takes a village to rear a child." "I don't know about that, but I do know it takes a family." "GROANING" "Shut up, Grandad!" "You're not pregnant!" "I mean, take Grandad for instance." "I don't know how I would've coped without him, in the early days when the children were younger." "Two, three times a week, he'd call over and take them for a walk." "And children don't forget that, never." "To this day, all my children love a walk to the bookie shop." "Come on, Grandad." "Let's get you up to your bath and your bed." "Come on." "Don't forget to brush your teeth." "They're in your pocket." "SHE GIGGLES" "Good night!"