"Previously on "Rescue Me"..." "All right, remember Emily from the dress shop?" "Superhot chick?" "Mm-hmm." "We had the most amazing sex I have ever had in my entire life." "And?" "Afterwards, you know, we're just layin' there when out of nowhere, the entire place reeks like a sewer in a bad neighborhood." "Well, listen, chief." "I've been thinkin'." "I wanna be a lieutenant." "You ace that text." "I'll call downtown, make sure you're assigned to a top house in the city." "Just keep your nose clean and your mouth shut till it happens." "Nose clean." "Mouth shut." "No problem." "Pam Keppler." "Hi." "Nice to meet you." "This is the news chick." "For what?" "The Jimmy thing." "Look, Tommy, they're doin', like, a 9/11 tenth-anniversary special thing, ok?" "Oh, really?" "What's their angle, huh, Franco?" "Is it the 9/11 conspiracy?" "Is that their angle?" "How about maybe that" "I slept with my cousin's wife?" "Is that what they're goin' for?" "There's been a lot of controversy since 9/11 involving the FDNY" " Alcohol and drug abuse..." "Mm-hmm." "Allegations of racism in the department's hiring practices, allegations of sexism, that the department is nothing but a big boys club run amok." "Ah, it's not what I agreed to talk about here." "You seem upset." "You know what?" "Next time your house catches on fire or somebody in your family gets hurt or whatever, you know what?" "Instead of calling' us, call a garbage truck." "I'm done." "You." "[Bleep] you. [Bleep] you." "Hey." "What's up?" "Picked this up on the way to work this morning." "Seen 'em? "Effin' DNY."" "The "daily news."" "Yeah?" "What's "Newsday"" "got to say?" ""Mother of 6 wins lotto."" "Now, if she was blowin' a-rod, maybe we wouldn't be in the papers." "Heat's not only gonna hit us hard, uh, it's already here." "Aw, shit." "Look, the only thing we could salvage was the 9/11 charity game." "They're gonna let you play in the tenth-anniversary cops-versus-firefighters event game because of the money that the charity can raise." "It's all could arrange, kiddo." "You're lucky you got that." "Kick the cops' asses, by the way, 'cause that's the last ass you're gonna be kickin' for a while." "What's that supposed to mean?" "Upstairs, guys." "Come on." "I ain't got all day." "Sorry, Tommy." "Joey." "King Joey III." "What's going on, man?" "Ain't here as your old pal Joey, Tom." "I'm here as the department rep." "Firefighter Gavin, my name is supervisor Balsbaugh." "You are hereby informed of a 30-day suspension from duty as of 8AM today." "Really?" "All right, what?" "I gotta sign this or something?" "'Cause I'm kind of in a rush, guys." "We're gonna need your badge, your bunker jackets, your official department ID, Tom." "All right, I don't even know where my official ID is." "I mean, listen." "My--My kid, I gotta take my kid to a dance class." "Can I drop this stuff off at headquarters later?" "Now." "We need it now, all of it." "Ok, Ballsby." "Just relax." "Names Balsbaugh." "Balsbaugh." "Let's go." "Badge, bunker jackets, ID, now." "You dug your own hole here, Tom." "It's a deep one." "Got it." "We escort you in and out, asshole." "At any time you wanna enter the firehouse, you need a rep from my office and a rep from the union to lead you inside, right the hell back outside." "Policy, pal." "Airtight." "Ok, you wanna slap a pair of cuffs on me, too?" "What I hear, that's not exactly foreign territory for you." "Ah." "You're funny." "Ah, cover up, guys." "We got company." "What's going on?" "Well, guys." "This is, uh, king Joey III here." "How are you?" "Came up with me and, uh, Jimmy Keefe." "I guess he's down at HQ now." "He's got 3 tits, thus the name." "You wanna show 'em," "Joey?" "Huh?" "You still got the third tit, right?" "It's funny." "The third tit, it's kind of weird, too." "It's kind of like a--A midget tit." "Oh, and this is inspector Ballpeen?" "Balsbaugh." "Bal-baldspot?" "Ballface?" "Balsbaugh." "Yeah, ok." "Anyways, you know, you guys both know what I said on TV, a lot of it was true in your heart of hearts, as firemen, which is what you used to be before you started wearing" "your Sunday best to work, you know." "Look, guys, I'm out for, like, 30 days." "And apparently every time I come in here now," "I gotta have 2 jerk-offs who haven't fought fires in, like, 15 years to escort me." "You know?" "Hope you got" " Oh, yeah." "Here's my ID." "Says, "firefighter"" "right on it." "That's what I do, fight fires and save people." "You remember people." "They're the ones whose taxes are payin' for your Lincoln town cars, silk ties, and your fancy goddamn computers." "What Gavin was talking about is department policy." "Anyone aiding and abetting his unsupervised entry into this firehouse over the next 30 days will face the firm guarantee of suspension and possible fine." "Any questions?" "Yeah." "Yes, lieutenant?" "I'm tryin' to figure something out." "It's a technical question, really, but the third tit, the midget tit, did it come with a little midget nipple?" "Let's go, Gavin." "What?" "It's a perfectly legitimate question." "Oh, Franco, what's up, man?" "Aw, what's the matter, Franco?" "We're being disrespectful to them?" "Hey, it is what it is." "Tommy Gavin is officially down for the count." "I guess now we'll find out what this crew is like without its major wonder boy, huh?" "Should be entertaining." "You know, a lieutenant friend of mine from the east side said that news chick, she's been sniffin' around about Tommy's personal life and everybody else's, too, so thanks to Tom, every single piece of dirt attached to every goddamn guy" "in this house is now officially up for grabs." "Good times, huh?" "One down. 5 to go, fellas." "♪ On another day, c'mon, c'mon, with these ropes tied tight, can we do no wrong, now we grieve 'cause now is gone, gs were good when we were young, when my teeth bite down," "I can see the blood of a thousand men who have come and gone, now we grieve 'cause now is gone, things were good when we were young, is it safe to say?" "C'mon, c'mon was it right to leave?" "C'mon, c'mon will I ever learn?" "C'mon, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon ♪" "Yeah." "Bye-bye, douche bags." "All right, fellas, the jig is officially up." "What's that mean?" "That means those suits just told me that Pam Keppler's news van's been parked outside of HQ already twice this week." "Her next big news story is to jump into Tommy's personal life whole hog." "Of course." "And anybody else who stepped out of line in the past 10 years." "Great." "Thanks, Tom." "HQ's droppin' the hammer, fellas." "I don't have to tell you she starts pointing' her bony little fingers around, a lot of 'em are gonna be pointed right at us." "Nobody tried to talk to this crazy broad?" "You know, scare tactics?" "It's not gonna work, Lou." "She's got a hard-on for us." "Tommy, look." "You gotta lay low, all right?" "Listen to me." "No bullshit this time." "Needles, I'm not afraid of her, ok?" "She can bring whatever she wants." "Like I said-- You're not listening to me." "I'm listening to you." "It's not just about you, asshole." "We have our careers on the line here." "All right?" "She starts digging' around your shit, how hard you think that's gonna be?" "It's buried under a patch of fresh earth." "Would you please think about us for once?" "Lou." "I married a hooker." "He married a hooker." "I married a Russian mail-order bride." "Uh, I married Maggie." "Which I'm banking' on makes the hooker and the mail-order bride seem a little sensible." "I'm marrying Colleen." "Which is gonna make marrying Maggie look like a day at the beach." "No offense, Tommy." "None taken." "Yeah, well, I guess I could be considered a deadbeat dad." "And a conspiracy freak." "My gayness." "The whole nun thing." "Lesbo girlfriend." "Extreme gayness." "You wanna know what's sad?" "Him being gay is the least of our public relations problem." "Yeah, unless they find out that I blew a guy down at headquarters once." "Yeah, unless they find out that he blew a guy down at headquarter" "Mike, you blew a guy from headquarters, or you blew a guy at headquarters?" "Both." "Thank you, God in heaven, for this wonderful gift." "Wait a second." "What guy?" "I don't remember his name, dude." "How could you not know his name?" "We were drinking." "Drinking at headquarters?" "No, no." "No, first at a Christmas party that was at a place, like, near headquarters, but then we went back to his office at HQ, and" " And he put some moves on me, and I took my shirt off and" " Ohh!" "Stop, Mike." "Just" " Just stop." "Guys, it wasn't cheap, you know?" "This makes it sound cheap, and it" " And it wasn't." "Doug." "That was his name, Doug." "Good." "Doug." "How many Dougs can there be?" "Could be a lot of Dougs." "Yeah." "Doug Flutie." "Doug Henning." "Doug e." "Fresh." "Michael Douglas." "Doogie Howser, M.D." "He was a Doug." "Michael Douglas doesn't count as a Doug, Mike." "Yeah, he's a Michael, Mike." "Not a Doug." "Mike." "No, no, no, no." "No, no." "The Doug that I blew looked like" "Like a young, studly, in-shape Michael Douglas type guy." "And he had a nice ass." "Ok, I can't believe I'm gonna ask you this." "Mike, do you think you can recognize the ass again?" "Yeah, sure." "Ecch." "Shut up." "This is good, perfect, good." "Lou, I need you to get on the computer." "Find out how many Dougs are workin' down at HQ." "We'll see if you can bring up pictures of 'em, ok?" "Good-looking pictures of Michael Douglas type Dougs." "Got it." "Are you guys really gonna go through with this?" "Hey, our asses are on the line here, pal." "Yeah, Pam Keppler, all her TV news cronies, not to mention the, you know, news reporters, the newspapers, they're gonna crush us with this." "Aw, Jesus Christ." "I say we hit 'em now while we got the muscle." "Frank Pentangelo." ""Godfather ii."" "I didn't know you could do that impression." "You never asked." "Doug would have asked." ""Doug would have asked."" "All right, look, Tommy, I'm gonna need you to go home." "Don't do anything stupid for about a month, ok?" "That's not gonna happen." "Did I say that out loud?" "All right, Frankie, I need you to round up" " I'm not gettin' involved." "What?" "God almighty, you call yourself a chief, and this is what you got your men doin', chasing' after some guy Mike remembers blowing' after a Christmas party?" "Really?" "Ok, you're gonna do 2 things." "One, you're gonna remember who the hell you're talkin' to, and 2, you're gonna figure out whether you wanna be an officer in this man's army, and if you do, you better learn the facts" "of life, and you better learn 'em goddamn quick, pal." "You fight fire with fire." "Oh, really?" "Last I heard, it was with water, chief." "You know, I'm movin' up, chief, and I wanna do it clean." "I already been dragged through the mud with these guys by proxy." "I ain't doin' it again." "Here on out, I walk a straight line that away." "Black Shawn." "Chief." "Jesus." "All right, listen." "You're gonna call Pam Keppler." "You're gonna tell her you know a guy in this crew that's fascinated with 9/11 conspiracy theories." "No can do, chief." "I mean, I'd do almost anything you ask, considering you're my commanding officer, but there's no way" "I'm gonna throw a brother firefighter, that being Franco, under the bus." "Ooh, I'm not talkin' about Franco." "I'm talkin' about me." "That was yet another amazing date." "Yeah, yeah." "It was, wasn't it?" "I'm so glad I got you to finally try that place." "Yeah?" "Those potent margaritas." "Yeah, weren't they, though?" "So were the nachos." "Jeez." "So do you wanna come upstairs?" "Uh, I, um, actually" " You" " You look like you're holding something in." "Um..." "Do you" " Do you need the toilet?" "Is-- no, no, no." "No." "No, I'm good." "Are you sure?" "Yeah, yeah." "No, I'm sure." "It's just-- ok." "Ok, listen." "Uh, this is gonna sound silly and, uh, a little embarrassing honestly, and quite frankly, I think it's pretty much in my head, so I just-- I promise I won't laugh." "Really?" "Yeah." "Ok." "Here's what I have to say to you." "I think you're awesome, and you' the whole package, and I have such a fantastic time with you." "I think you're awesome, too." "Thank you." "Thank you." "No, I just--well, here's the thing." "After we, you know, have sex-- amazing sex, by the way, the best sex I've ever had in my entire life." "It's-- there's this-- it's the smell, right?" "Yes." "Yes, it is." "I'm--my God." "There's this--something is in your apartment, and it's really, really... it's my butt." "Wow." "I don't--yikes." "Oh, wow." "I didn't mean to come off like that." "I'm the one should be apologizing." "It's my smelly butt." "Uh, well, ok." "Are you, you know, ok?" "I mean, are you, like, dying or anything?" "No." "It's just this thing that happens to me when I have sex." "Ok." "The penetration hits a muscle back there, and afterwards, it give me gas." "Yeah, it's gross, I know." "No, hey, hey, hey." "Don't say that." "Listen." "I just--I didn't know what it" "thank God you have such a small penis." "Yeah." "Thank God it's--huh?" "There were much worse results when I was dating that center from the Knicks, if you know what I mean." "What do you mean I have a small penis?" "I-I'm sorr--I really--I'm not trying to be mean." "I'd--I think you have a great little penis." "Ok." "Can we stop calling it little, please?" "Modest?" "Yeah, that's--no." "Petite." "Yeah, I don't--ok, let's just call it little." "Ok?" "That's fine." "Ok." "Everybody has their flaws, right, and" " I don't see them as flaws." "I just think they're who we are." "Yeah." "You know what?" "I don't think they're flaws either." "They're just who we are." "I like that." "So you wanna come upstairs?" "Um, ok." "Ok." "However, tonight, can we just cuddle?" "Hee hee." "What?" "Uh, these are the Dougs." "These are all the Dougs that work down at HQ." "No." "Guys, none of these are my Doug." "Besides, the more I think about it, the more I think my Doug's real first name was somethin' else." "You know, the people at the party, they called him Doug, but there was a different name on his office door when we went back to, you know--and plus, my Doug, he had, like, a--a beauty mark on his cheek, kind of like Cindy" "Crawford." "You know, kind of like you do, chief." "He had, like, masculine and feminine stuff goin' on, you know, both at the same time." "Kind of like you do." "A-and you, too, chief." "You know?" "I mean, both you guys, you're both, like, really strong and-- and very male, but you each, like, definitely have, like, some soft stuff goin' on, too." "You know?" "I-it's what makes you both so approachable, you know." "Anyway..." "And what am I, chopped liver?" "I mean, he wants soft, I have 40 pounds of soft." "Soft inside, Lou." "Gruff exterior, soft inside." "All right, you know what I'm gonna do?" "I'm gonna sit down with Mike in front of the computer." "I'm gonna run by him the name and the photo of every male working down at HQ till we find this Doug." "If we find anything, I will rush in here and give it to you 2 approachable bitches." "Heh heh heh heh. 40 pounds." "You know, it's more like 60." "How you doin'?" "Hey, sorry about this." "I'm just doin' my job." "My uncle was, uh, FDNY 35 years." "Eh?" "Tommy Dunn." "I know Tommy." "He's a great guy." "I'll tell him you said hello." "Please do." "You know, I'd love to get in touch with him." "I'll give you his number." "Let me, uh" " Let me grab a pen and piece of paper." "That's great, pal." "Thank you." "Yeah, no problem." "So, uh, I guess you're here to see me, eh?" "No." "It was a nice try, though." "Nice try?" "Yeah." "There's something very heroic about a chief who's willing to draw all the negative attention onto himself and away from his men." "Well, you see, that's what a leader does." "Yeah." "You know, this little charm act of yours didn't work on me the last time." "Look, I've done my research, chief Nelson." "There are a lot of firefighters out there who don't like what's been going on in your crew for the last 10 years." "Ok" " Ok, I know that the conspiracy guy is not you." "I know it's the good-looking guy with the cocky smile and the do-me dimples who believes that the government purposely brought down the twin towers as an excuse to attack an enemy in the middle east, and I find that very interesting." "America, not so much." "They want sex, sex, and drugs and murder, so the idea that Tommy Gavin slept with his dead cousin's wife for almost 7 years, brilliant." "And the fact that Tommy Gavin's wife had a baby with his murdered cop brother during the same period of time, genius." "This is the kind of story that could make someone like me a national name." "Your firehouse may be considered the bottom of the barrel right now by the FDNY, but for me, it is a goddamn gold rush." "Heh." "Well, you know, in Italian, there's a name for people like you." "Really?" "What's that?" "Miserable bitch." "I've work for" " To do." "Don't forget your broom." "Hey." "My card." "Thank you." "My uncle's info's on the back." "Thanks, pal." "Thank you." "Where were you?" "Traffic." "What do you got?" "All right, look, the Doug that Mike had sex with--I know." "Turns out his first name's probably not Doug, but he still looks like a young Michael Douglas, and he's got a beauty mark on his cheek just like mine." "You mean a mole." "It's a beauty mark, ok?" "Cindy Crawford's got one of these." "Cindy Crawford also has tits." "Here's what I got from Keppler." "She's gonna talk about" "Johnny and Janet." "She's also gonna talk about you and Sheila." "And we gotta get somethin' on this broad, Tommy, and we gotta get it quick." "I got some information from one of the guys on her crew." "Turns out somebody got a DUI last month, and there's no police record of it, which leads me to believe that the cops know somethin' we don't." "I reached out to Johnny's old partner." "Dead end." "Moved to" "Seattle." "Here's what I need you to do." "You know that cop you're always fightin' with on the ice?" "You find him, and you see what he knows about this." "Todd?" "Todd hates me." "Pam Keppler hates you." "Keppler has a TV show." "Todd doesn't." "Find Todd." "See what he knows, and if he does know anything, you do whatever you need to do to get the information." "Whatever I need to do?" "Yeah." "Wh-what are you implying?" "I'm not implying anything." "I'm tellin' you." "Throw the game." "You realize this is" " The hockey game is for the tenth anniversary of 9/11." "It's like the" " The biggest charity hockey game we've ever played." "It's in the memory of our fallen brothers." "We're doin' this for our fallen brothers." "Look, she starts naming' you and Sheila, she's gonna name all the other firefighters that are sleepin' with the widows." "Look, me and you know it's about emotional bonding and shared grief, but to these people, this is tawdry sex and headlines, my friend." "There's chum in the water." "We gotta protect our own." "Tommy, this is for the greater good." "What?" "Cindy Crawford... yeah." "Pretty sure she doesn't have hair growing' out of her mole." "Or a cock." "Hey, Todd." "Hey." "Hold on a second." "What's going on?" "Well, if it isn't TV's Tommy Gavin." "To what do I owe this pleasure, Tom?" "Let me guess." "The FDNY finally got rid of your skinny, little ass, and now you wanna be a cop." "Funny." "Listen, I, uh" " I need a favor." "Oh, my God." "Holy shit, Tom." "Where are the TV cameras and the reporters when you really need 'em?" "You need a favor from me?" "Listen, can I talk to you for a second?" "Don't touch." "Here's the deal." "This, uh, broad, she's, uh" " She's gonna do a story about my wife and my brother." "Now, obviously, that's not good news for me, and" " And I would have gone through Johnny's old partner, but as you know, he moved to Seattle, so I-I'm desperate." "I can use anything." "Old parking tickets, a DUI." "I don't know." "Anything you can dig up." "And, uh, you know, I'd be willin' to trade up on this." "I" " You know" " Almost willing to do anything." "I'll" " I'll even throw the anniversary game." "You can kiss my fat Irish ass, numb nuts." "What?" "We don't play fixed games, Tom, especially against teams we know we can e beat, all right?" "And another thing." "I highly recommend you keepin' your head up tomorrow afternoon, 'cause I'm gonna kick your little midget dick all over the ice." "Thanks for nothin'." "You're welcome, Tom." "Asshole." "Oh, hey, listen." "Before I forget, it took us a while, but" "I finally got Mike to remember the name of his friend, you know, his little buddy from the, uh, Christmas party." "Doug is his name." "And some other pertinent information." "Do with it what you like." "You know, I'm just sayin'" "I still don't feel right about it, you know?" "Like I feel like a rat." "You know, relax, Mike, all right?" "You're doin' it for the good of the entire crew, all right?" "Yeah, what are you talking about?" "Come on." "It's us against them at this point." "They play dirty, we play dirty." "Remember what needles said." "What?" "What did needles say?" "You're a moron." "No, that wasn't it." "Fight fire with fire." "You" " Pfft!" "Well, I would have remembered that." "Hello." "All right, everybody!" "Hey, shut up!" "Listen up!" "Lot of you firemen know I can't drink no more for reasons you cops already have on file." "Well, here's a guy who ain't an alcoholic, but he just retired, and he's doin' everything in his power to become one, chief Lugnut Lombardi." "Go ahead, chief." "All right." "Thank you." "Thanks, everybody." "Thank you." "It was an honor to watch 2 fine departments do battle out there together for a great, great cause." "Game ended in a tie, deservedly so." "Now, let's decide who wins the drinking contest." "Hey, guys, captain of the police team, some people think a tie game is like kissing your sister..." "But in honor of those that died on both sides on that fateful day, this seems more like throwin' a friendly arm around all our firefighting brothers." "Now, uh, I just got somethin' to say." "Too bad 9/11 wasn't a tie, 'cause the last time I looked, it was firefighters 343, NYPD 23." "Simmer down, dickface." "Yeah, whatever." "Ohh!" "Whoa, whoa." "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa." "What are you doin'?" "What do you mean?" "What" " I came out here to help you." "You remember you asked me to dig some stuff up on that news broad, the one that's doin' the story about you?" "Yeah." "Well, guess what, pal." "Jackpot." "Larry Loch Ness, meet Tommy Gavin." "Hey." "Seen you on TV." "Loch Ness works out of the 15th, all right." "He's an old buddy of mine." "So get this." "Picks up Pam Keppler about a year and a half ago on a cocaine possession charge." "He recognizes her right away." "She begs to get out of it, Tom, all right?" "So Loch Ness decides to offer her a deal." "And?" "She blew me." "What?" "Ah, yeah." "Lookit." "Lookit." "Wh-whoa." "Yeah." "Oh, it's her." "No, no." "I know it's her." "What's that?" "Now you know why they call me Loch Ness." "He's got video on there, too, Tom." "Take her down, all right?" "She's a hypocrite and a cokehead, and she's callin' you out?" "Guys, this is awesome." "I'm" " I don't know what to say." "I owe you guys." "We're not doin' this for you, Tom, ok?" "We're doin' this for our brother, Johnny." "Ok?" "You think we want his good name stomped on by some TV coke slut?" "Let me tell you somethin'." "As good as a fireman you're supposed to be... yeah." "Your brother Johnny was 10 times a better cop." "All right, so you take this stuff, Tom, and you go ruin that broad, all right?" "Just make sure Johnny's name doesn't get mentioned." "Ok?" "Ok." "Oh, oh." "Oh, and one more thing." "What?" "Take this." "Who the hell called the cops?" "I did." "You guys are gettin' your asses kicked in there." "I figured you could use some backup." "Another ginger ale, Tom?" "No." "After you." "I just don't understand, ok?" "!" "What's goin' on?" "I am so sick of this!" "Ok, I'm sick of all of it!" "Just get out of my way!" "What the" " What's goin' on?" "You ruined the wedding, dad." "You've ruined it, and everyone at school's making fun of me because my dad gave the middle finger in the paper!" "Ohh." "Jeez." "What the hell's-- What's happening?" "Hello." "You gonna bring him up to speed, or..." "Ok, the new place that Shawn and Colleen were looking at for their wedding, they saw that the last name was Gavin, that you're the firefighter who's been in all the papers, and" " And they told them both to take a hike." "No, it was 2 places, ok?" "The second place, we lied and told them that you weren't my father, and then they found out anyway." "And you know what?" "Right now, I really wish you weren't." "Hey, Colleen." "That's enough." "Hey, you know what?" "You come out here right now, and you apolo" " Holy shi" " Wait." "What" " Whoa!" "What the hell?" "You" "Colleen, get your ass out here and clean this mess up." "Go to hell!" "I hate you, daddy!" "Please let me pay for the wedding and let me get one of those other places." "No, Sheila." "No." "How many times do I have to tell you?" "No." "Wow, wow, wow." "Calm down." "I'm just tryin' to help you, so" " Well, does it look like it's helping?" "No." "You are making things worse." "Ok, can I just ask a question?" "Ok?" "Are you guys all Lance Armstronging?" "Oh, you" " I'm just asking, ok?" "Seriously?" "What's go" " What's the place?" "What are you talking about?" "What place?" "I'm talking about" " There's a place in Jersey near where I take Damian for his" "German aquatherapy." "Then there's a place in Connecticut near where I take him for his movement therapy." "They are both mansions... mansions." "They are both gorgeous, and they're both expensive." "I want to pay." "I wanna pay for the whole thing, ok?" "No one's gonna know out there that your face was all over the papers, and besides which, Colleen and Mike have changed their minds about" "Mike designing the dress, because he has come across a dress that he" " And I'm quoting" " Says, "is to die for."" "Ok, Tommy, I do not want her to pay for our daughter's wedding, especially when she is not even gonna be involved." "Oh, my God." "Yeah." "Ask her." "Wha-what?" "How many times do I have to tell you I want her to be in the wedding?" "!" "Yes, and she has made it abundantly clear that she does not want to be in the wedding if your uncle Mickey is involved, and your uncle Mickey deserves to be in the wedding, right?" "Do you want me to start drinking again?" "Is that what you guys want?" "No." "I've never asked you guys for anything, and now auntie Sheila wants to help." "Ok, I don't understand what the problem is" "I can't afford the kind of wedding that you want." "We can't even afford the dress." "Uhh!" "Tommy, tell her." "Mom, I don't want Colleen to drink anymore." "Oh, no one's gonna drink anymore." "Ok, Sheila, you know what?" "I can handle my own kids, ok?" "Ok." "Ok, no one is gonna drink anymore." "Oh, wow." "That was so much better." "Watch your mouth." "Hey!" "What" " You know what?" "I need a drink." "Oh, no, you do not." "Oh, no, no, no!" "Colleen!" "Colleen!" "Colleen!" "Hey." "Hey!" "Would" "What the hell?" "You gotta be shittin' me." "Nobody's gonna drink, ok?" "Everybody calm down." "How much money we talkin' about?" "8 grand." "For the wedding?" "For the dress." "I need a whiskey." "No!" "No, no, no, no!" "Stop!" "What's he trying to tell us?" "Probably that he wants to be put up for adoption." "Ohh!" "All right." "Katy, Colleen, take him into his room." "Let's go." "Hurry up." "And clean up that mess." "Come on." "It's ok." "You two, sit down." "I wanna talk to you right now." "Hurry it up, girls." "Really?" "Ok." "I am sick and tired of being treated like a ghost around here, ok?" "You wanna start talkin' about, you know, uh, father figures." "Well, I ain't no figure." "I'm the real deal, and" "I'm gonna lay some, uh, new laws down around here, ok?" "First of all, Sheila is gonna be a part of that wedding." "Ah-ah!" "Done deal." "And she's gonna need somebody to walk her down the aisle, because God knows Damian ain't gonna do it." "Listen to me." "You been sold a bill of goods by a serious of snake-oil salesmen, ok?" "Nobody's had the balls to say this to you, but I just got my balls back, so I'm gonna say it." "Mickey was right." "The kid is as is, all right?" "He ain't ever gettin' out of that wheelchair again." "So" " Ah-ah!" "Sit down." "You're in that wedding, and Mickey's gonna be in that wedding." "Ohh." "And you can wipe that little smirk off your face, sweetheart, 'cause I got some news for you, too." "Sheila is paying for that wedding." "And we're" " Ah-ah!" "Listen, you wanna see Colleen passed out shitfaced again on the beach somewhere?" "Huh?" "Can you put a price tag on her sobriety?" "I don't think so." "So we're takin' Sheila's money, and Colleen's gonna have the greatest day in the history of all the days that she's ever gonna have." "That's what we're doin'." "And I'm gonna pay back all that money, every single penny of it." "You can bet your pretty little asses on that." "Yay." "Oh." "Oh, come on in, girls." "Join the party." "Maybe you'll learn a thing or two." "L right, this is a dysfunctional family." "I know." "Call the newspapers." "There's a headline for you." "It's a family full of drunks and drug addicts and liars and cheaters and stealers." "Ok?" "We've lied and cheated and stole our way around each other for God knows how long, and" " And where did we end up?" "Where'd it get us?" "Nowhere." "Yeah, that's right." "Nowhere." "Right back here where we" " Where we started." "That's where we ended up, where we all belong." "Now, some people would say that the truth will set you free." "The truth is" " You know, the truth will cleanse you and" " And elevate your spirit." "I say that the truth can kiss our lying" "Irish asses, because I'll tell you somethin'." "The truth will be used by the enemy, the outside world, as ammunition against us." "And believe me, they're gettin' ready to do exactly that, but I have secret evil plan that plays to our strengths..." "A plan that involves lying and-- And cheating and stealing." "You know, they're always sayin', the media's always talkin' about, you know, TV and" " And the magazines and everything, that sex sells." "Well, we are gonna sell them right down the goddamn river." "Listen." "Please believe me when I say that you need to accept the fact that Damian is never getting out of that wheelchair, and I'm telling you this" " Because I love you." "And as much as I love her, I love you even more." "All right, girls." "I want this place cleaned up by the time I get back, spic and span." "Sheila, outside." "I'm gonna give you your assignment now." "I'm gonna go pick up my godson from that" "God-awful aromatherapy bullshit class." "Till then, toodles." "Hold it." "Up, up!" "Oh." "Move." "Ah, I am so glad that you decided to do this." "It'll give you a chance to tell your side of the story, give us" " Let us experience the emotional side of 9/11 and its aftermath." "Mm-hmm." "Thank you." "Are you ready?" "I think I need some" " Some water." "Yes." "Water!" "Water, please." "I" " I changed my mind." "We're fine." "Ok." "Rolling." "So after your husband's death, after they found only his finger in the wreckage and rubble at ground zero, did you find yourself turning to certain family members for healing to deal with the grief and the anguish?" "Do you mean Tommy?" "Yes." "Uh, did you find yourself turning to his brother in arms, his best friend, and his cousin, Tommy Gavin?" "Hell, yeah." "Baby, I banged his brains out." "We had mad, insane, explosive sex almost every single time we put our hands on each other, and you wanna know why?" "Because we could." "Sometimes we had angry sex, sometimes we had happy sex, and sometimes we had "atom bomb going off in the apartment" sex, but one thing was always certain, and that was every single time Tommy was inside of me, I never thought about" "my dead hero husband." "I just enjoyed the ride." "I even have some video." "You know, 'cause when Tommy and I had sex, we did it because we really" " We needed it desperately." "You know, we" "We hungered for it." "And it was a pretty honest transaction, because we got what we wanted out of each other, you know, kind of just like this." "Yeah, Pam." "Aw, suck it." "Suck it." "Yeah." "Go, Pam" " Whoa, whoa, whoa." "Sit down, big mouth." "And when I say," ""big mouth," I think we all know how big it is now, don't we?" "Sit down." "You drop that story, or I swear to Christ that'll end up on YouTube." "Yeah?" "What's that you guys say now?" "That's a wrap?" "Bye." "Hello." "Uh, I have an appointment, uh, with supervisor Balsbaugh in lieutenant Hanrahan's office." "I'm a little late." "They're waiting for you." "Sheel." "Joey." "Come on in." "This is supervisor Balsbaugh." "Nice to meet you." "Nice to meet you." "Lieutenant Hanrahan is, uh, 2 seconds away." "Ok." "How you doing?" "You know, Joey, I've been better." "You know, we thought we saw you down there talkin' to that news station." "You know, it's a terrible mess they started here." "I'm sorry about all this, and I hope you told her what's what." "Let's cut to the chase here, Mrs. Keefe." "I didn't know your husband personally, but I know who he was, what he did for his country on that fateful day." "His record is the reason we agreed to sit and talk to you." "We owe him that." "We owe you that anytime you desire it." "But let's be clear here." "This whole business ain't about your husband." "It's about your boyfriend." "He's a scourge, a stain on this department, and if you think comin' down here and pleading his case is gonna change anything, guess again." "He's out for 30 days, and if I had my way, maybe forever." "I'm dead serious, Mrs. Keefe." "So am I. Oh, lieutenant Hanrahan." "Robert D. Hanrahan." "Yes." "Welcome, Mrs. Keefe." "I" " I saw you on the TV." "Oh, I know." "Your friends call you Doug, right?" "Uh, that's right." "Feel free to do the same." "Ok, Dougie boy." "Dougie Doug." "Heh heh." "Wow." "It's hot in here." "I, um" " I need a drink." "Um, those flowers there are from Mike Siletti at 62 truck." "You remember him, right?" "He has a little birthmark, a little brown birthmark kind of like the one that you have on your cheek, except that his is on his ass." "Ooh." "Sexy." "Do you guys" " I'm sorry." "No?" "Phew." "Yah!" "Bouncy." "Good for you." "Isn't having booze in here against department regulations?" "But then again, so is having sex in here after hours." "Yeah?" "Mike said something about" " Wait a minute." "You're not a policeman, are you?" "Heh heh." "Hey." "What happened?" "Operation oral sex is officially over." "Balsbaugh told" "Dougie Doug to clean out his desk once he saw the cuffs and the bar, and Keppler has left me 2 messages offering me cash to burn the video." "You, my dear, are back on duty." "Wow." "You know, we should be, uh" " We should be workin' for, um, TMZ." "Right." "Secrets and lies." "Heh heh." "Good old-fashioned American way." "How's my kid?" "He's good." "And he smells good, which is one of the, uh, few benefits we're getting from that aromatherapy class." "Smells like pizza." "Actually, that's me." "I" " I smell like pizza." "Hey, uh, Sheel... yes." "Um, you know, I owe you big time for this." "No." "No, I did this for us." "I did this for all of us." "For the brotherhood?" "No, silly." "For the Gavins."