"# I'm not sick but I'm not well" "# And I'm so hot" "# Cos I'm in hell. #" "Sex over." "Now the smiling and staring." "I think Dobby might be bored with me, sexually." "I'm vanilla." "I should be... not neapolitan, that's too '70s, but pistachio - slightly unpleasant, but novel." "I was thinking of booking that country house hotel for your birthday." "Really?" "Cos, country house hotels...?" "I mean, doesn't working in a Mexican restaurant mean we'd be better suited to a Premier Inn and a bottle of supermarket voddy?" "Or I could pay." "No way." "I'm being the man here and paying for everything." "I'm taking you away." "I might even carry you over the threshold." "OK, Captain Caveman!" "Would you be able to drive us?" "It's in Hereford." "Sure." "DOORBELL" "DOORBELL Shall I get it?" "I've got your fluffy dressing gown on." "Thanks. 'Officially, it's a towelling robe.'" "Might not be incredibly stylish but it is hugely absorbent." "Oh, did I tell you?" "Poor old Simon's mum's ill." "How horrible for him." "I might get a card." "I might get a card. 'The cool, good-looking ex-boyfriend whom I strongly suspect 'was far better in bed than me." "His grief is mine.'" "You got some money, Mark?" "Hang on." "'Must be the Barnardo's man.'" "He's unemployed, Mark." "Right. 'Is he, though?" "I'm pretty sure I saw this exposed on Rogue Traders.'" "Just trying to make a bit of honest money, really." "Your neighbours have been very kind." "So, uh, what have you got?" "Um, fluffy dusters, J-Cloths..." "'Shit." "OK, don't choose the cheapest in front of Dobby." "So not J-Cloths." "'Not scourers." "Fluffy dusters?" "I think they're relatively cheap.'" "..or oven gloves..." "Fluffy duster?" "Fluffy duster?" "Sure mate." "They're 11." "They're what?" "11 quid." "They're made of fibres." "'I'm being politely mugged.'" "Thanks." "I'll go and make some coffee, Mr Generous." "(WHISPERS) I'd have just gone for the J-Cloths." "'Great, just wasted 11 on 4 worth of female approval.'" "Right, I'm having that back." "You've conned me." "I'm not some frail old lady in sheltered housing." "Get to fuck." "Are you OK?" "It's fine." "Things got a bit out of hand, but I took control." "So what did you think, Jeremy?" "Wow." "That's what I thought." "Wowzers trousers." "You didn't fall asleep, did you?" "At one point I thought..." "No way!" "No, I loved every minute of it." "The colours, the woman, the..." "It was all great." "Amelie is a fantastic film." "What a fantastic film." "Yeah." "It's French, but you can easily work out what's happening most of the way through." "Exactly." "Not predigested, Hollywood blockbuster crap." "That shit, trying to lure you in by entertaining you." "It's so shallow." "You cabbing it?" "I'm cabbing it." "I'm cabbing it." "'Won't tell her I'm bussing it.'" "It's great, isn't it, how even though I'm an attractive guy and you're an attractive girl, we can just hang out like great mates?" "Yeah, just cos I'm going out with Ben..." "'The shit.'" "'The shit.' .." "doesn't mean you and I can't be buds." "I mean, we have so many interests in common - foreign film, fringe theatre, contemporary dance, even those silver people in Covent Garden who stand really still and pretend to be statues." "I adore, enormously, all of that." "And you run that book group, don't you?" "Which is great, because I love difficult literature." "Wow!" "Another tick!" "I'd invite you but we're full up at the minute." "Does Ben... 'The shit.' ...go?" "No." "He hates reading." "No." "He hates reading." "Oh, he is missing out on so much." "Uh-huh." "Uh-huh." "So many people just plod through life, you know, thinking the same stupid thoughts with their tiny, predictable, Identikit minds." "Most people just go around nodding to the last opinion they heard, don't they?" "I agree." "Excuse me, Melvyn." "Is one of you getting in?" "Bye, then." "Bye." "Thanks for a lovely afternoon of French cinema." "Au revoir, mon ami!" "Indeedy. 'This is all so fucking sophisticated.'" "See you tomorrow." "A demain." "No, you da man!" "(LAUGHS)" "'Why is that funny?" "'" "And you're off it all?" "Crack as well?" "But you love crack, it's your favourite." "Especially crack, Jez." "I've stopped putting all that poison and shit into my body and my precious brain." "Since when?" "Since when?" "Since Tuesday." "I had a sort of road-to-Damascus flash on the A22." "Crashed the van into some guy's hedge cos I was so fucking wrecked." "And then this voice in my head - sounded like Brian Moore, who used to do the football on ITV - said, "Pack it in, son." "Mug's game."" "Well, that's very sensible, albeit hallucinatory, advice." "Mark, um..." "Look, in here... is my pipe and my last rock." "I want you to have it." "I don't want it." "It's illegal." "I want you to keep it, please." "It's symbolic." "And if I come to you and ask you for it, I want you to tell me "no", OK?" "OK." "Even if I hit you, hard, with wood, or grab your arm and bend it up behind your back till it snaps like a fucking KitKat, you still tell me no, right?" "With wood?" "Thanks, Mark." "Legend." "So how's all this going?" "Easy, man." "Easy like a Sonntag Morgen." "I'm just finding other things to fill my time." "Like what?" "Like what?" "Cycling, running." "I ran 10k yesterday." "I ran here this morning, then back home, and then back here again." "I'm cooking, knitting..." "Knitting like a fucking electric nan." "Did this scarf." "I've got two quilts on the go and a sort of tabard." "It's cool." "It's easy." "Great." "Great." "You got any olives?" "I've gone fucking mental for olives." "No, we..." "Shit!" "Jesus!" "Where am I going to get olives?" "!" "I'm craving the salt." "We've got salt." "I'm not going to go necking fucking salt straight from the shaker, Mark." "I'm not mad." "Right, fucking laters." "I'm going to sprint to Londis." "DOOR CLOSES" "DOOR CLOSES He is a bit mad, isn't he?" "Jez, I'm..." "I'm slightly worried that Dobby might still be in love with Simon." "Yeah." "Yeah." "D'you mean, yeah, you think she is?" "No, no, I mean, yeah, I'm not really listening." "Sorry." "And I'm worried that I might not be..." "What?" "What?" "Look, you know the actual..." "The act of intercourse..." "Oh, my God!" "You're asking me for sex tips!" "Pass me the cava and the big pack of Tyrrels - it's a girls' night in!" "What would you say was the average amount of time before the man...?" "Unleashes hell?" "Unleashes hell?" "Yes." "I want the average amount of time, the mean..." "No, the mode or median." "Sting's probably thrown the mean out for everyone else." "Well, it depends, Mark." "It often depends on, you know, where you are,if you get me." "No, no, I don't want to hear about the bum, Jeremy." "I know for you it all revolves around the bum." "You're like the Copernicus of the anus." "You've got to know about the bum, Mark." "Otherwise, it's like only cooking with the hob and never using the oven." "The bum is the secret portal." "It's not much of a secret, though, is it, Jeremy?" "Be honest." "The bum is quite - if you'll pardon the image - an open secret." "So you think you've lost your dirty mojo?" "Yeah, I am a bit desperate on that front." "I mean, I've even bought a..." "What?" "What?" "Nothing." "A what, Mark?" "Blimey." "It's a dildo." "I've bought a big dildo." "How big is it?" "Nine inches." "It's a nine-incher." "I thought it might spice things up." "Trouble is, I find it quite intimidating, as a man." "I mean, look at it, it's like a leg of lamb." "So I've decided to call it Kenneth, to take the curse off." "Kenneth?" "Kenneth?" "Yes." ""My colleague, Kenneth."" ""Shall I fetch Kenneth?"" ""Meet my sexual associate, Kenneth."" "Makes him less daunting." "And has Kenneth seen action?" "No." "I mean, it might be the sexiest thing ever, or it might be a massive disaster." "Dobby might hate it." "So, for now, you stay at Brize Norton, Kenneth." "I don't think you're ready to enter Helmand yet." "So is your work still... 'Good?" "Bad?" "'Does he like it there now?" "I've forgotten.' ..you know?" "I despise every second of it." "We're short-staffed and Gail keeps making me do these extra shifts, and she hates me since you tried to kill her." "Yeah." "Sorry, man." "My bad." "You should tell her you need time off." "I'm no NHS Direct, but this stress can't be doing your sex life any good." "Tell Gail she's exploiting you." "But then she'll fire me!" "I don't want to be unemployed." "I've got a girlfriend to impress." "And when Sophie gets back from Wales, I've also got a baby to impress." "Christ, Mark, you really need to grow a pair." "Of testicles?" "Yes." "Yes." "You want me to grow a pair of testicles so I'd have four testicles, and somehow that'll help make me braver and better able to deal with stress?" "Staggering around like a baboon with four balls hanging down." "Look, Gail's fucking you over because you're so bloody passive." "You need to rip her a new one." "A new anus?" "So she'd have two anuses?" "And then in this mad new world of yours," "I'd presumably shove my four bollocks up her two anuses for some unknown reason." "'Never fancied a girl with glasses before." "I wouldn't care if she had a limp 'or a funny elbow." "I'm so PC." "I'm horny Gandhi.'" "Did you have a nice time at whatever-the-fuck film it was with Zahra?" "Yeah, nice movie." "The colours, the woman in it..." "It's a great arrangement we've got here, Jez." "Arrangement?" "Yeah." "You take care of the brainy, arty crap she likes," "I take care of the physical side." "Like when she came back from Emily." "Amelie. 'You shit.'" "She was in this really good mood, all sparked up and receptive." "You can imagine what we got up to!" "Yeah." "Shall I order that toner from the Viking catalogue, or...?" "I won't go into detail about what it is we did, Jez, but let's just say it wasn't a long game of Scrabble!" "(CHUCKLES)" "Your glans isn't red raw after a long game of Scrabble, is it?" "!" "Not ordinarily, no." "You don't fancy Zahra, do you, Jez?" "You don't fancy Zahra, do you, Jez?" "No." "Because that would be an extremely huge problem if you did." "I really don't." "She's just normal, you know, like trifle or, uh, the pavement." "Just there." "Anyway, I was wondering if you wanted to dabble in a bit more AR, check out some artists, a few extra quid in your pay packet?" "Brilliant. 'Stop making my lovely job lovelier, you shit!" "'" "Did Ben just give you a pay rise?" "Yeah." "You know, I honestly never thought I could enjoy working, because, obviously, when you work, you can't go back to bed until night-time, which seems mad, but I really like it." "I'm going to the Tate Modern for the Richard Avedon symposium on Friday." "I don't suppose you fancy coming?" "Yeah, sure." "I mean, I was going myself anyway on Sunday, but yeah, let's go together." "'Jesus Christ, I am so out of my depth!" "Who's Richard Avedon?" "'What's a symposium?" "'At least I know which day Friday is, that's something to cling onto.'" "'Tension headache." "Brain tumour, maybe?" "'Sexy, fascinating, roguish brain tumour?" "'Not with my luck." "Think I will ask Gail if I can take some time off.'" "Mark, what are you doing?" "You're needed." "Order for that table of teenage pisstards?" "Right." "Gail, when you've got a second, later maybe," "I was wondering whether my taking some holiday might..." "Mark, we're two chefs down." "Abigail's got norovirus." "Marek just took the tip of his little finger off right on the eve of his sister's wedding." "Co-incidence?" "Um..." "Um..." "So this is not the time for you to ask to skive off." "Jesus!" "'Good to get that out in the open." "At least I know where I stand now." "'I'm precisely where I was a second ago but quite a bit more upset." "'Shit." "It's the Rogue Trader." "I wonder if his dish, perchance, cost 11.'" "Enjoy your meals." "'Just keep walking, Mark.'" "Oi." "Oi. 'And now walk back, Mark.'" "I never ordered this." "I think you did." "Burritos Deluxe." "No, Burritos Mexicano, with jalapeno sauce." "Do I know you?" "No." "Um, oh, right, yes," "I'm afraid my colleague who took your order must have made a mistake, so..." "Don't blame her." "For fuck's sake, man up." "You're the one who brought the wrong food." "True, but I was only following orders." "'Like Vince Cable.'" "Don't blame a woman, you piece of fucking dirt." "Now fuck off back to that kitchen and get me what you should have done the first time." "Mug." "'Fine." "Right, fine." "'OK, great, you want the jalapeno sauce, mate?" "'Well, you can have the jalapeno sauce, 'but with my hot yellow piss in it." "'Yeah, see how you like this!" "'" "'I can't go!" "I can't piss!" "'Come on, bladder!" "Please let me piss in the sauce!" "'" "Mark..." "Am I sacked?" "Sh-Sh-Should I go?" "I bet I'm sacked." "Dobby will definitely dump me now." "Dobby will definitely dump me now." "No, she won't." "She's got a special look of pity for unemployed people." "Like this..." "I'd say that was more sympathy, or empathy." "One of the pathies." "The pathies are nice." "Anyway, we won't be able to go away for her birthday now." "We'll be stuck here with own-brand couscous and Wallander." "Don't worry." "Zahra says we have only one thing to fear, and that's fear itself." "It's a clever saying, isn't it?" "And what about losing all your money?" "Or shitting yourself in public?" "Or the tabloid press mistakenly outing you as a paedo?" "Or Alzheimer's?" "Or all of those things, plus you're drowning?" "It's a clever saying, though, isn't it?" "Oh, Jesus!" "You're in love with Zahra, aren't you?" "You shouldn't be in love with her, Jeremy, you're playing with fire." "No, I'm not." "I'm playing with..." "the opposite of fire." "Water?" "Exactly." "Thank you." "Because, yeah, obviously, I fancy Zahra, but I want to keep my nice job, so I've decided to just be in love with her mind." "A pure, modest, beautiful love." "PHONE RINGS" "PHONE RINGS And then possibly have a wank when we're Skyping." "Hans." "Jez, you need to come and get me." "What's up?" "What's up?" "I've accidentally run to Windsor." "What?" "Yeah, I've mistakenly run to Windsor." "But that's, like, in Scotland or something, isn't it?" "I didn't mean to." "It's just the endorphins kicked in and..." "I couldn't stop." "OK." "Well, find some polythene or something to pull over yourself and a bit of waste ground, and I'm sure you'll feel fine in the morning." "My legs are gone, man." "I'm a jelly." "I'm paralysed." "It feels fucking brilliant!" "God, I fancy you!" "Should I make a move?" "I'll lose my job." "I like my job." "Why can't I have everything I want all the time?" "Isn't that democracy?" "This is a great book." "I adore magic realism, don't you?" "Love it." "Love it." "You know, guys don't usually get it as a genre." "Mm." "Mm." "Why am I not surprised that you would?" "'OK, here goes.' I've been reading a very brilliant novel lately." "Yeah?" "Yeah?" "Yeah, it's about a man and a woman." "It's not set here, it's set out in..." "Iran." "Oh." "Oh." "And the woman, she's with someone else, who is the man's... um, not boss, but his... baseball coach." "Yeah, and he really wants to stay in the baseball team, the man, but he also really wants to get together with the attractive woman." "It's a great book." "What's it called?" "What's it called?" "Baseball Man." "(LAUGHS) Right, I've just got to call round my book group guys." "Paul's can't host it, and Ben's holding his poker game at mine." "Well, you could have your book group at my place, and I could fill in for Paul." "You'd have to read the book pretty quickly." "No worries. 'Hope it's Mr Nice." "I've read Mr Nice.'" "It's Wuthering Heights." "'Right." "Doesn't sound like another Howard Marks book, but fingers crossed.'" "Ah, brilliant." "Great, then." "OK, well, why don't we..." "'Fuck hard, right here, and then kill Ben?" "'" "..grab a coffee?" "..grab a coffee?" "Super." "'Kenneth's lair." "Should I?" "Shouldn't I?" "'Would Kenneth be welcomed now?" "' Should I get a condom, or...?" "OK." "OK." "They're in the sock drawer." "Hang on a second, then we can let the enjoyable sex continue." "'I don't know what to do." "'In a way, Kenneth, I hate you.'" "Sorry, they're in here somewhere, Dobs." "Sorry, they're in here somewhere, Dobs." "MOBILE PHONE BLEEPS" "Shit, it's from Simon." "'Great.'" "His mum's died." "'You're off duty, Kenneth." "Stand at ease.'" "Sorry, Mark." "Is it all right if I go over now, to see Simon?" "'Could I say my mum's dead?" "'Would Dobby maybe believe that long enough for me to go home and shoot Mum?" "'" "I do understand it's weird, for us, so if you'd rather I didn't..." "You should go. 'Nicely selfless." "'I can't control what she does, but at least I can make her feel guilty while she does it.'" "It's really tragic, isn't it?" "Very tragic indeed." "Although...his mum was loaded, so Simon's going to be a very well-off man." "Is he?" "'Superb(!" ") Young, good-looking, sexy and now rich." "'Perhaps the fucker can also teleport.'" "Is that a book, Jeremy?" "Is that a book, Jeremy?" "Yes, it's a book." "Why shouldn't it be a book?" "Why do you have it?" "I'm going to read it, Mark." "You're going to read a book?" "You hate reading." "No, I don't." "I love reading." "I read Mr Nice four times." "I read The Bunny Suicides." "Look, I've offered to host Zahra's book group, OK?" "And now Shitty Ben's decided he's coming because it's happening here and he's all jealous and suspicious, so what I thought was, even though I can't tell Ben to fuck off, I can defeat him mentally" "at the book group and impress Zahra by saying clever things." "So I'm going to read all of this book, from page one to..." "Oh, shit!" "..372?" "!" "How's the book going?" "Enjoying it?" "I look at it, I read the words, or think I do, but then I get distracted, or I don't quite take it in, and I have to go back." "I've been on the same four pages for three hours." "I see." "Mark, how do you read?" "Can you teach me to read?" "You want me to teach you to read?" "Yes." "I mean, not literally." "But how do you concentrate?" "Please, tell me." "Well, turn the telly off for a start." "'Oh, turn the telly off." "Everything bad starts with, "Turn the telly off".'" "OK, start reading that long paragraph there." "Right." "You probably feel like looking away from the page now, don't you?" "Yes." "Yes, I do." "Yes." "Yes, I do." "Don't look away." "Stay with it." "'Fascinating." "It's like watching a sheep trying to use an iPhone.'" "Oh, it's too difficult!" "I mean, the story's told by a man, and then a lady, and then no-one." "Why can't we read something simple, like Mr Nice?" "Well, why don't you talk about Mr Nice instead?" "About all the different times Mr Nice got high, to different extents." "Right, I'm going to sit outside on the balcony all night and finish this book." "That way I'll be cold and I won't fall asleep." "'There he is, the Captain Oates of having to read a relatively short book.'" "I can't do it, Mark." "It's 372 pages long and I'm freezing." "My legs!" "My legs!" "So, what I was thinking was, could you read it for me, the stupid olden-days book, please?" "I'm not staying up all night reading Wuthering Heights." "Please." "I'll do the washing-up every day until I die, and then my children will do the washing-up after that." "Look, I'm broke and you're relatively moneyed, so..." "Are we doing a deal?" "A grubby deal?" "Like oilmen or corrupt councillors?" "Deals happen every day, Jeremy." "Buying a Twix is a deal." "Paying for the toilet at Euston is a deal." "I'll read the book," "I'll look at some online criticism, but for a price." "You massive prostitute!" "I am not a prostitute." "Now, please get out of my bed." "Best to have Pringles in bowls, otherwise you get Pringle Hand." "I think if Rod Hull and Emu were still alive, they definitely would have used them to advertise Pringles." "Yes." "So, the birthday weekend's going ahead if you're still up for it?" "All the complimentary shower caps we can wear and proper cafetieres in the rooms." "Mark, you're unemployed." "You can't afford that." "Don't be silly." "No, it's fine..." "Mark, listen." "Yes." "Listening." "I'm not still into Simon, OK?" "His mum died, he was sad, I made him a boiled egg." "Stop waiting for all this to blow up, because it's not going to unless you detonate your mad, paranoid, bomb vest." "Sorry." "How about we ditch the book freaks and head back to my place, yeah?" "You look like you need to be in bed." "Well, I am very tired, Iwas up half the night reading..." "Oh, I see!" "Yeah." "Got you." "Bed." "Lovely." "They're ready, Mark." "Yes, something else has come up, Jez." "I can't do the book group." "No, Mark, we made a deal." "Remember - a grubby deal?" "You've got to defeat Ben." "I need to renege on the deal, Jez." "I really have got something else I'd rather do." "Mark, I need you." "I haven't read the book." "(ZAHRA) Jeremy!" "We thought we'd let you start, as it's your place." "'We're letting you castrate yourself as it's your penknife.'" "Away you go." "Away you go." "Great." "'What do I say?" "I'm pretty sure 'it's a love story." "Can I compare it to another love story?" "'The film Love Story, maybe?" "'" "Well, as a love story..." "I'm sorry, as a what?" "A love story?" "Come on, Jez!" "This isn't a fucking love story." "It's a fucking fuck story." "It's about animal lusts and earth and dirt and fluids, not love, art, companionship, all that rubbish." "DOORBELL" "DOORBELL 'I hate you.'" "Crack." "There you go." "Cheers." "Wuthering Heights is so obviously an exploration of, you know, wild elemental forces... (WHISPERS) Jeremy's right, he's a shit." "Can we go in for five minutes, Dobs?" "...as an ode to dark passions and a kind of..." "Savage rhapsody?" "Sorry, Ben, very easily done but I think you might accidentally be giving opinions from quite a well-known online essay on Wuthering Heights as your own..." "'Fuck you!" "Mark's going into bat for me.'" "..hasn't understood the book at all." "Wuthering Heights isn't a hymn to lust and passion..." "'And he's really good at this, unlike any game actually involving a bat.' ...gothic nonsense is, and how it inevitably has to give way to real life and real love." "Wow." "Blimey, Mark, you sound like an intellectual, like..." "Tony Parsons or something." "'This is what I was born to do." "'It's like Robert Robinson fucked Joan Bakewell and they had me.'" "Right, screw this." "I'm off." "Bunch of fucking pseuds." "Well, shall we cool off, put our big hot brains on ice for five?" "Back to yours?" "Sounds like a plan, Stan." "Thanks, mate." "It's all right, Jez, I'm just off to Dobby's, and I don't think I'll be needing to be "friends with Kenneth" any more." "OK." "D'you think Kenneth might have been made redundant?" "Indeed." "I think Kenneth can take a hike." "(CHUCKLES)" "Kenneth is what Mark calls his nine-inch dildo." "# Paranoia, paranoia Everybody's coming to get me" "# Just say you never met me" "# I'm running underground with the moles, digging holes. #"