"[ BELLS JINGLING ]" "[ SLOW CLASSICAL PIANO MUSIC PLAYS ]" "[ LAUGHTER ]" "[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]" "HEY, CAN I GET ANOTHER DRINK DOWN HERE?" "Willie:" "I'VE BEEN TO PRISON ONCE." "I'VE BEEN MARRIED TWICE." "I WAS ONCE DRAFTED BY LYNDON JOHNSON" "AND HAD TO LIVE IN SHIT-ASS MEXICO FOR TWO AND A HALF YEARS" "FOR NO REASON." "I'VE HAD MY EYE SOCKET PUNCHED IN," "A KIDNEY TAKEN OUT," "AND I GOT A BONE CHIP IN MY ANKLE THAT'S NEVER GONNA HEAL." "I'VE SEEN SOME PRETTY SHITTY SITUATIONS IN MY LIFE." "BUT NOTHING HAS EVER SUCKED MORE ASS THAN THIS." "IF I'D KNOWN I WAS GONNA HAVE TO PUT UP" "WITH A BUNCH OF SCREAMING BRATS PISSING ON MY LAP FOR 30 DAYS OUT OF THE YEAR," "I WOULD HAVE KILLED MYSELF A LONG TIME AGO." "COME TO THINK OF IT, I STILL MIGHT." "WHERE I COME FROM, WE DIDN'T CELEBRATE CHRISTMAS." "NOT BECAUSE WE WERE JEWISH, BUT BECAUSE MY DAD" "WAS A WORTHLESS-COWARD FUCKING ASSHOLE" "WHOSE IDEA OF A PRESENT WAS A DAILY PUNCH TO THE BACK OF THE HEAD." "HE DID TEACH ME HOW TO CRACK A SAFE, THOUGH." "MY DAD NEVER DID SHIT WITH HIS LIFE," "SO HE TOOK IT OUT ON ME." "YOU COULD SAY I'M NO DIFFERENT," "AND I'D HAVE TO SAY YOU WERE RIGHT." "BUT AT THIS POINT, IT'S TOO LATE TO START OVER." "FUNNY HOW THINGS WORK OUT." "IT'S FUCKING HILARIOUS." "[ VOMITS ]" "[ COUGHING ]" "[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]" "OH, THERE'S SANTA CLAUS." "LOOK THERE." "WOW." "] [ CHILD SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY" "[ CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS ]" "TO." "OH, MY!" "WHAT A DARLING PHO" "?" "ARE YOU CERTAIN YO U ONLY WANT THE SINGLE" "ADDITIONAL PHOTOS CO ME IN HANDY AS GIFTS FO R GRANDMA AND GRANDPA" "OR AS A WONDERFU L REMEMBRANCE FOR FRIENDS." "GEE, YOU KNOW WHAT?" "THIS ONE " " I THINK IT'S MORE THAN ENOUGH." "THANKS." "MERRY CHRISTMAS." "SO, WHAT DO YOU WANT, LITTLE GIRL?" "A drum set." "OH, THE OLD MAN WILL LOVE THAT." "OKAY, FINE." "SEE YOU LATER." "I SAW YOU AT ANOTHER MALL." "WELL, I'M VERY HAPPY FOR YOU." "YOU'RE NOT REALLY SANTA." ". IF YOU WERE SANTA, YOU COULD DO MAGIC" "YOU WANT TO SEE SOME MAGIC?" "HERE, LET'S WATCH YOU DISAPPEAR." "WATCH THE BLADDER, KID." "SANTA'S GOTTA PEE." "WHAT DO YOU WANT?" "A NEW BIKE." "A NEW BIKE." "WOW, THAT'S A NEW ONE!" "EXCELLENT." "Man:" "ATTENTION, SHOPPERS." "[ URINATING ]" "THIS STORE WILL BE CLOSING IN FIVE MINUTES." "WE HOPE TOMORROW'S A PLEASANT CHRISTMAS," "AND THANK YOU FOR SHOPPING WITH US." "E. IS THAT IT?" "Marcus:" "YEAH, THAT'S THE LAST ON" "THANK THE FUCK CHRIST." "JESUS, MOTHER MARY , AND JOSEPH." "YOU PISSED YOURSELF." "[ EXHALES DEEPLY ]" "AW, JESUS." "[ SIGHS ]" "[ INDISTINCT TALKING ON RADIO ] YEAH, ALL RIGHT." "YEAH." "HEY, HAPPY HOLIDAYS." "ALL RIGHT." "MERRY CHRISTMAS." "HAPPY HOLIDAYS." "GET HOME SAFE." "[ INDISTINCT TALKING ON RADIO ] YEAH, OKAY." "I-I DON'T CARE WHAT HE SAYS." "K?" "WE'RE GOING OUT FOR A BEER." "WAIT." "WHAT THE FUC" "I'LL GET RIGHT BACK TO YOU." "?" "WHAT THE HELL' S WRONG WITH YOU" "E. I'M TRYING TO FUCKING LEAVE HER" "PANTS ARE AWFUL BAGGY." "YOU GOT ANYTHING IN THERE?" "?" "YEAH." "MY DICK." "YOU WANT TO SEE IT" "KEEP PUSHING ME." "I GOT MY EYES ON YOU..." "ALL THE TIME." "[ BEEPING ]" "[ SIGHS, PANTS ]" "READY." "JESUS." "HOW'S IT GOING?" "I'M FINISHED WHEN I'M FINISHED." "I'M GOING BACK UPSTAIRS." "I NEED A MELON BALLER AND A LOOFAH." "GOT IT." "FUCK THE LOOFAH." "LET'S GO." "[ SHUFFLING ]" "MARCUS, YOU GET THE LOOFAH?" "DRIVE." "[ ENGINE REVS ]" "OH!" "[ TIRES SQUEAL ]" "?" "JINGLE BELL, JINGLE BELL, JINGLE BELL ROCK ?" "?" "JINGLE BELLS CHIME IN JINGLE BELL TIME ?" "OH, I'M DIZZY!" "PUT ME DOWN." "HEY, PUT ME DOWN." "OH, COME ON!" "PUT ME DOWN." "?" "?" "THAT'S THE JINGLE BELL... ?" "AH, COME ON." "?" "..." "JINGLE-BELL ROCK ?" "OH, MAN." "[ SIGHS ]" "HEY, BABY, TWO MORE OF THESE, ALL RIGHT?" "ME." "NO, THAT'S IT FOR" "YOU CAN'T DRINK WORTH A SHIT, YOU KNOW THAT?" "I WEIGH 92 POUNDS, YOU DICK." "COME ON, ONE MORE." "IT'S A CELEBRATION." "HERE'S TO YOU." "?" "..." "TO HAVE THE BLUES ?" "?" "MY BABY'S GONE ?" "YEAH." "YOU'RE GETTING WOR SE, YOU KNOW THAT?" "WELL, AT LEAST I GOT IT OPEN." "IT TOOK YOU LONG ENOUGH." "I REMEMBER THE TIME WHEN YOU COULD UNLOCK A LOCK LIKE IT WAS NOTHING." "YEAH, WELL..." "YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT ME ANYMORE." "I'M OUT." "BULLSHIT!" "BULLSHIT, MY ASS." "WE JUST MADE $111, 000 IN ONE NIGHT." "EXACTLY." "I FIGURE I GOT ENOUGH TO GO TO MIAMI." "AND DO WHAT?" "!" "I DON'T KNOW." "SHIT, GET A CAR, GET A PLACE MAYBE." "YOU KNOW..." "MAYBE START A BUSINESS." "A BAR OUT ON THE BEACH." "SOMETHING LIKE THAT." "I COULD QUIT DRINKING AND..." "RUN THE PLACE." "MAYBE MARRY A WAITRESS." "[ SIGHS ]" "WHAT?" ". YOU AIN'T GONNA DO SHIT EXCEPT GO DOWN THERE AND DRINK YOUR FUCKING ASS OFF" "Y YOU'RE GONNA PIS S EVERYTHING AWA" "AS." "AND END UP COUNTING THE DAYS TILL NEXT CHRISTM" "[ SIGHS ] YOU'D LIKE THAT, WOULDN'T YOU?" "WELL, IT AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN." "IF I CALL YOU NEXT DECEMBER   IFI CALL YOU NEXT DECEMBER" "YOU'RE GONNA B E SO HAPPY TO HEAR FROM ME" ". YOU'RE GONNA D O A GODDAMN BACKFLIP" "AST YOU'RE GONNA PUT THAT SANTA HAT ON SO F" ". THAT YOU'RE GONNA GET FUCKING HAT-BURN" "CAN I GET YOU GUYS TWO MORE?" "NO, THANKS." "WE'RE ALL RIGHT." "SEE?" "I'M ALREADY ON THE WAGON." "[ UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS ]" "[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]" "HEY!" "ASSHOLE!" "HOW MANY TIMES I GOTTA TELL YOU?" "!" "GET OUT FROM BEHIND MY BAR" "PUT THE DRINK DOWN RIGHT NOW." "PUT THE DRINK DOWN RIGHT NOW!" "[ EXHALES DEEPLY ] FUCK YOU." "FUCK ME, HUH?" "RIGHT." "Woman:" "OH, HEY!" "OW!" "GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY BAR!" "FUCK YOU!" ". [ GLASS SHATTERS ] YOU'RE FUCKING CRAZY" "FUCKING PRICK." "A-ASSHOLE!" "GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE RIGHT NOW!" "[ LAUGHTER, INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]" "[ SNORING ]" "[ ALARM BUZZING ]" "?" "HAVE A HOLLY JOLLY CHRISTMAS ?" "?" "[ BUZZING STOPS ] ?" "AND IN CASE YOU DIDN'T HEAR ?" "?" "?" "OH, BY GOLLY, HAVE A HOLLY JOLLY CHRIS-- ?" "FUCKING SHIT!" "FUCK YOU!" "[ GLASS SHATTERS ]" "FUCK YOU!" "FUCK YOU!" "[ SIGHS ]" "[ CAR ALARM DEACTIVATES ]" "[ CAR ALARM DEACTIVATES ]" "[ CAR ALARM DEACTIVATES ]" "[ CAR ALARM DEACTIVATES ]" "[ KEYS JINGLE, DROP ]" "[ ENGINE TURNS OVER ]" "[ MID-TEMPO CLASSICAL MUSI C PLAYS ]" "YEAH, BABY." "HEY, TIFFANY, YOU WANT TO PLAY "HIDE THE NAZI" ONE DAY?" "[ CHUCKLES ]" "GOD DAMN IT." "HERE YOU GO, SWEETIE." "I GOT SOMETHING FOR YOUR PRETTY ASS." "YOU DO?" "YEAH." "WOW...$5." "THANKS." "I GOTTA LISTEN TO MY MESSAGES," "AND YOU NEED TO TAKE A SHOWER." "I'M A DANCER." "I SWEAT." "[ BEEPING, WHIRRING ]" "YEAH, WELL, YOU SMELL LI KE A BUM'S NUT SAC." "FUCK YOU." "[ BEEPING, WHIRRING CONTINUE ]" "Computerized voice:" "MESSAGE ONE." "Man:" "MR. SOKE?" "THIS IS ANDREW KAPLAN AGAIN," "CALLING FROM THE COLLECTION AGENCY." "[ BEEP ] Computerized voice:" "MESSAGE TWO." "Woman:" "THIS IS DOLORES AXELROD." "YOU RAN INTO MY CAR LAST WEEK." "I CALLED STATE FARM," "BUT THEY HAVE NO RECORD OF ANY INSURANCE POLICY FOR YOU." "IN CASE YOU MISPLACED IT, MY PHONE NUMBER IS 4 " "[ BEEP ] Computerized voice:" "MESSAGE THREE." "Marcus:" "WILLIE, IT'S MARCUS." "IT'S THAT TIME OF YEAR AGAIN." "PACK YOUR SHIT." "PHOENIX." "?" "OH, THE WEATHER OUTSIDE IS FRIGHTFUL ?" "?" "BUT THE FIRE IS SO DELIGHTFUL ?" "?" "AND SINCE WE'VE NO PLACE TO GO ?" "?" "?" "LET IT SNOW, LET IT SNOW, LET IT SNOW ?" "?" "MAN, IT DOESN'T SHOW SIGNS OF STOPPING ?" "?" "AND I BROUGHT ME SOME CORN FOR POPPING ?" "?" "THE LIGHTS ARE TURNED WAY DOWN LOW ?" "?" "LET IT SNOW, LET IT SNO-O-O-W ?" "[ CAR ALARM BLARING ]" "JESUS CHRIST!" "?" "!" "CAN YOU MAYBE KEEP I T TOGETHER FOR JUST 10 MINUTES" "[ BLARING CONTINUES ]" "Chipeska:" "HARRISON, JUST LET ME EXPLAIN, PLEASE." "FINANCIALLY -- WELL, YOU GET WHAT YOU PAID FOR, CHIPESKA." "FIVE CHRISTMASES I'VE BEEN HERE, AND NOW WHAT?" "NOW YOU FLIP ME FOR SOME STRANGER WHO'LL DO IT FOR PEANUTS" "AND WHO HAPPENS TO WORK WITH A REAL MIDGET." "WELL, LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING " " NOBODY CARES." "NOBODY COMES HERE FOR THE ELF." "SANTA'S THE ATTRACTION." "I DO BURL IVES SONGS." "DOES THIS SCHMO EVEN PLAY GUITAR?" "LOOK, UH, HARRISON, IT'S NOT ABOUT THE MONEY OR THE MIDGET." "BELIEVE ME, IF IT WAS, I-I..." "I DON'T THINK THEY LIKE "MIDGET."" "I THINK YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO CALL THEM, UM... !" "OH, JUST FORGET IT" "HACKS!" "[ Laughing ] HI." "BOB CHIPESKA." "WELCOME." "GREAT PHOTO AND RESUME, BY THE WAY." "THANKS." "YOU KNOW, WE'VE BEEN AT THIS A LONG TIME AND ALL." "SO WE'D LIKE TO THIN K WE DO A GOOD JOB." "I'M SO GLAD YOU GUYS COULD COME IN ON SUCH SHORT NOTICE." "[ Distorted voice ] I MUST SAY, YOUR LOOK IS JUST SENSATIONAL." "[ Distorted voice ] YEAH, THANKS." "WE'VE BEEN AT THIS FOR YEARS." "YOU GOT NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT." "YOU TWO ARE THE BEST MEN FOR THIS JOB, TRULY." "[ Normal voice ] SO DON'T LET HIS UNPLEASANTNESS" "AFFECT YOUR PERFORMANCE IN ANY WAY." "OH, NO." "WE'RE FINE." "PERFORMANCE?" "YES, UH, YOUR PERFORMANCE." "YOU KNOW, THE, UM..." "PERFORMANCE -- LIKE SEXUAL?" "EXCUSE ME?" "WILLIE." "ARE YOU SAYING THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH MY GEAR?" "IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE SAYING TO ME?" "I'M SORRY." "YOUR GEAR?" "WILLIE." "MY FUCK STICK." "UHH!" "HEY, WILLIE..." "TAKE A SEAT." "YOU KNOW HOW YOUR BLOOD SUGAR IS." "HE'S NOT GOING TO SAY "FUCK STICK" IN FRONT OF THE CHILDREN, IS HE?" "NO, NO, NO." "IT'S A JOKE." "AN ADULT JOKE..." "FOR US ADULTS." "IT'S A JOKE, JUST A JOKE." ""FUCK STICK"?" "YES, I-I THOUGHT IT WAS VERY STRANGE, TOO, UH..." "[ STAMMERS ] SO, AS OUR SECURITY CHIEF," "I WANTED YOU TO, YOU KNOW, BE AWARE." "BUT, UH, YOU KNOW, HIS LITTLE FRIEND PROMISED HE WOULDN'T SAY IT IN FRONT OF THE CHILDREN," "WHICH IS FINE." "BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, UH..." "THERE IS AN ADULT WORLD AND A CHILD'S WORLD," "AND THAT'S OKAY." "I'M NO CENSOR." ""LITTLE FRIEND"?" "YES, HE'S " "HE HAPPENS TO BE A-A DWARF..." "OR MIDGET." "I DON'T KNOW WHAT HE'S CALLED EXACTLY," "BUT, UH, HE'S A LITTLE GUY." "LITTLE BILLY BARTY -- GOD REST." "BUT THIN FINGERS, NOT THE..." "FAT SAUSAGE FINGERS." "E. "LITTLE PEOPLE" -- THAT'S WHAT THEY LIK" "YES." "UH, RIGHT." "LITTLE PEOPLE." "SO, FUCK STICK . THAT'S IT?" "YEAH." "[ CLEARS THROAT ]" "[ INHALES, EXHALES DEEPLY ]" "MERRY CHRISTMAS!" "SANTA'S COMING." "All:" "YAY!" "MERRY CHRISTMAS!" "SANTA'S COMING." "YAY!" "MERRY CHRISTMAS!" "[ APPLAUSE STOPS ]" "D?" "HAVE YOU SEEN THAT NEW SANTA THEY JUST HIRE" "YEAH." "HE'S BACK THERE DRUNK." "[ SIGHS ]" "HE'S COMING, GUYS." "SANTA WILL BE HERE REAL SOON." "[ SNORING ]" "GOD DAMN IT!" "WHAT THE FUCK YOU DOING?" "!" "AR." "YOU BLOW THIS, AND WE' RE BROKE FOR THE WHOLE YE" "SO STOP ACTING LIKE YOU KNOW SOMETHING," "AT!" "'CAUSE, PAL OF MIN E, YOU DON'T KNOW SQU" "NOW, PUT ON YOUR HAT AND GET OUT THERE." "AND TRY TO ACT PROFESSIONAL, FOR CHRIST'S SAKES." "[ SLURPS ]" "WHAT DO YOU WANT?" "WHAT?" "GET OUT OF HERE." "NEXT!" "NEXT." "OH, GOOD." "WHAT DO YOU WANT?" "[ INHALES DEEPLY ]" "WHAT DO YOU WANT?" "] WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" "!" "[ SNEEZES" "GOD DAMN IT!" ". NINTENDO DEER HUNTER 3" "I DON'T GIVE A SHIT WHAT YOU WANT." "BLOWING SNOT ALL OVER EVERYBODY AND FUCKING WHATEVER." "NEXT." "COME ON." "WHAT DO YOU WANT?" "UM, SANTA?" "YEAH, I'M SANTA." "COME ON, WHAT DO YOU WANT?" "UM, BARBIE." "SAY, "CHEESE."" "OKAY, FINE." "BARBIE." "OH, THANK YOU." "OW!" "WATCH THE TOENAILS, KID!" "SHIT." "NEXT." "NEXT!" "WHAT DO YOU WANT?" "FRAGGLE-STICK CAR." "WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?" "FRAGGLE-STICK CAR." "WELL, I HEARD YOU." "FRAGGLE-STICK CAR." "FINE." "HEY, CHECK OUT THIS LOSER." "HEY, FAT-ASS, HOW YOU DOING TODAY?" "HEY, LOSER." "HEY, DIPSHIT." "MORON." "HEY, LOSER, HOW YOU DOING TODAY?" "DUMB-ASS, WHY DON' T YOU TURN AROUND?" "[ CAN THUDS ]" "YOU KNOW WHAT?" "FUCK THIS." "YOU'RE NEXT." "NEXT!" "I SAID, "NEXT," GOD DAMN IT." "THIS IS NOT THE DMV, ALL RIGHT?" "MOVE IT ALONG." "WHAT'S YOUR NAME?" "YOU CAN TELL ME." "I KNOW." "HOW ABOUT SANTA?" "IF YOU DON'T TELL HIM, YOU WON'T GET A PRESENT." "THAT'S RIGHT." "TA COME ON AND TELL SAN" "ALL ABOUT IT." "WHAT DO YOU WANT?" "WELL, COME ON, WHAT DO YOU WANT?" "A SNOT-RAG?" "GREAT, ANOTHER FUCKING MONGOLOID." "MARCUS, GET THIS KID OFF ME BEFORE HE PISSES ON ME, ALL RIGHT?" "DON'T FUCK WITH MY BEARD." "IT'S NOT REAL." "NO SHIT." "WELL, IT WAS REAL, BUT, YOU SEE, I GOT SICK AND ALL THE HAIR FELL OUT," "SO I HAVE TO WEAR THIS FUCKING THING." "CK?" "HOW DID YOU GET SI" "I LOVED A WOMAN WHO WASN'T CLEAN." "MRS. SANTA?" "NO, IT WAS HER SISTER." "WHAT'S IT LIKE AT THE NORTH POLE?" "LIKE THE SUBURBS." "WHICH ONE?" "[ SIGHS ]" "APACHE JUNCTION." "WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU CARE?" "NOW GET OFF MY LAP." "D. YOU SIT THERE LIKE A FUCKING RETAR" "YOU ARE REALLY SANTA, RIGHT?" "NO, I'M AN ACCOUNTANT." "HT?" "I WEAR THIS FUCKIN G THING AS A FASHION STATEMENT, ALL RIG" "OKAY." "MARCUS, GET THIS KID OUT OF HERE." "HE'S FREAKING ME OUT." "I GOTTA GET A DRINK ON." "I'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW." "N. JUST DON'T COME INTO W ORK STINKING OF BOOZE AGAI" "YEAH, WHY DON'T YOU GET GOING?" "YOU'LL BE LATE FOR YOUR "WIZARD OF OZ" CANDY-BAR GUILD." "LOLLIPOP GUILD , YOU ASSHOLE!" "!" "JESUS, TWO-YEAR-OLDS FLIP ME SHIT BETTER THAN YOU" "YOU SAYING SOMETHING TO ME?" "S. YEAH." "I'M GONNA STIC K MY WHOLE FIST UP YOUR AS" "?" "?" "JINGLE BELLS, JINGLE BELLS" "?" "JINGLE ALL THE WAY ?" "?" "?" "OH, WHAT FUN IT IS TO RID E IN A ONE-HORSE OPEN SLEIGH ?" "?" "?" "JINGLE BELLS, JINGLE BELLS" "?" "JINGLE ALL THE WAY ?" "?" "?" "OH, WHAT FUN IT IS TO RID E IN A ONE-HORSE OPEN SLEIGH ?" "?" "?" "DASHING THROUGH THE SNOW" "?" "?" "IN A ONE-HORSE OPEN SLEIGH" "?" "?" "O'ER THE FIELDS WE GO ?" "?" "LAUGHING ALL THE WAY ?" "?" "?" "BELLS ON BOBTAILS RING" "?" "MAKING SPIRITS BRIGHT ?" "?" "WHAT?" "?" "WHAT FUN IT IS TO RIDE AN SING A SLEIGHING SONG TONIGHT ?" "?" "?" "JINGLE BELLS, JINGLE BELLS" "MMM." "?" "ANOTHER, UH, GRAND-DAD, SANTA" "YEAH." "YEAH?" "[ CHUCKLES ]" "?" "?" "JINGLE BELLS, JINGLE BELLS" "?" "JINGLE ALL THE WAY ?" "?" "OH, WHAT FUN IT IS TO RIDE... ?" "GOT A NAME?" "[ EXHALES DEEPLY ] YEAH." ". SO, WHAT DO YOU DO , UM, YOU KNOW.." "AFTER THE HOLIDAYS , I MEAN?" "WELL, NOTHING TILL MARCH, AND THEN I'M THE EASTER BUNNY." "[ LAUGHS ]" "OH." "ANOTHER?" "YEAH." "WHY NOT?" "MERRY CHRISTMAS." ". NOT A BIG TALKER" "NO, NOT REALLY." "BUY YOU ONE?" "WHY NOT?" "?" "?" "JINGLE BELLS, JINGLE BELLS" "?" "JINGLE ALL THE WAY ?" ". HAPPY NEW YEAR" "YOU'RE PRETTY REGU LAR FOR A SANTA." "YOU KNOW, IT'S NOT THAT BIG A FUCKING DEAL." "IT'S JUST A JOB, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?" "I'M AN EATING, DRINKING, SHITTING, FUCKING SANTY CLAUS." "PROVE IT." "?" "LAUGHING ALL THE WAY ?" ". FUCK ME, SANTA . FUCK ME, SANTA" "FUCK ME, SANTA." "FUCK ME, SANTA." ". FUCK ME, SANTA . FUCK ME, SANTA" "FUCK ME, SANTA." "FUCK ME, SANTA!" "UH, CAN'T I AT LEAST TAKE THIS HAT OFF?" ". [ Laughing ] NO." "I LOVE THE HAT" "[ MOANS ] I LOVE THE HAT." "OKAY." "WHOO!" "Y ] [ BREATHING HEAVIL" "I'VE ALWAYS HAD A THING FOR, UM, SANTA CLAUS." "IN CASE YOU DIDN'T NOTICE." "IT'S LIKE SOME DEEP-SEATED CHILDHOOD THING." "SO IS MY THING FOR TITS." "YEAH!" "IT IS LIKE THAT, THOUGH, YOU KNOW -- FROM WHEN YOU'RE A KID." "'CAUSE MY DAD WAS JEWISH, AND WE DIDN'T HAVE CHRISTMAS," "SO IT WAS LIKE THIS FORBIDDEN [CHUCKLES] THING." "[ CHUCKLES ]" "[ MURMURS, CLEARS THROAT ]" "SO..." "[ CAR DOOR CLOSES ]" "[ EXHALES DEEPLY ]" "I LIKE YOU." "DON'T MOTHBALL THAT SUIT." "[ CHUCKLES ]" "WHAT THE FUCK?" "[ Panting ] I AM NOT GAY!" "WHAT THE HELL, BUDDY?" "BUDDY?" "!" "" I SAID, "I AM NOT GAY." "ARE YOU OFF YOUR FUCKING MEDS OR SOMETHING?" "YES." ". BUT THAT ISN'T WHAT THIS IS ABOUT" "YOU'RE AS QUEE R AS A $10 BILL." "LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, MOTHERFUCKER." "MY BROTHER LOST A GODDAMN ARM FIGHTING YOU FUCKERS IN VIETNAM." "SO I WANT YOU TO LOOK AT ME." "I WANT YOU TO LOOK AT MY FACE ONE LAST FUCKING TIME." "THIS IS THE LAST THING YOU'RE EVER GONNA SEE BEFORE I " "ELF FUCKER!" "MOTHERFUCKER!" "TURN AROUND, ELF FUCKER." "WHO'S THE BITCH NOW, SANTY CLAUS?" "!" "HUH?" "FAGGY CLAUS!" "FAGGY!" "E!" "LEAVE SANTA ALON" "LITTLE BOY, DON'T INTERFERE." "I'M DOING THIS FOR ALL OF US." "LEAVE SANTA ALONE!" "[ GRUNTING ]" "ASS CLOWN!" "[ BREATHING HEAVILY ]" "HEY, YOU'RE THAT KID." "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE?" "Y?" "THIS ONE FUCKING TIM E I TAKE YOU HOME, OKA" "UH-HUH." ". I'M NOT YOUR FUCKING DA-DA" "UH-HUH." "[ SIGHS ]" "IT'S NOT LIKE YOU HELPED M E BACK THERE WITH THAT NUTJO B OR ANYTHING, YOU KNOW." ". UH-HUH." "YOU'RE THE RIGHT HEIGHT" "YOU'RE RIGHT THERE TO GRAB HIS BALLS." "EM." "YOU COULD TWIST TH" "WHY DO YOU NEED A CAR?" "WHAT THE FUCK YOU TALKING ABOU THIS CAR." "?" "WHICH TURN IS IT" "SAGE TERRACE." "WHERE'S YOUR SLEIGH?" ". IT'S IN THE SHOP , GETTING REPAIRED" "WHERE ARE THE REINDEER?" ". I STABLED THEM" "IS IT LEFT OR RIGHT?" "THAT WAY." "WHERE'S THE STABLE?" ". NEXT TO THE SHOP" "HOW DO THEY SLEEP?" "WHO, THE REINDEER?" "STANDING UP." "BUT THE NOISE." "HOW DO THEY SLEEP?" "WHAT NOISE FROM THE SHOP." "[ SIGHS ]" "T?" "THEY ONLY WORK DURING THE DAY, ALL RIGH" "I THOUGHT IT WAS ALWAYS NIGHT AT THE NORTH POLE." "Y. WELL, NOT NOW." "RIGHT NOW IT'S ALWAYS DA" "THEN HOW DO THEY SLEEP?" "OH, SHIT." "SAGE TERRACE." "AY?" "[ TIRES SQUEALING ] WHAT IS IT WITH YOU, ANYW" "SOMEBODY DROP YO U ON YOUR FUCKING HE AD?" "ONMYHEAD?" "?" "WELL, YEAH, WHAT, AR E THEY GONNA DROP YOU ON SOMEBODY ELSE'S HEAD" "HOW CAN THEY DROP ME ONTO MY OWN HEAD?" "!" "NO, NOTONTOYOUR, UH -- WOULD " " GOD DAMN IT" "E?" "!" "ARE YOU FUCKING WITH M" "[ SIGHS ] OKAY , WHICH HOUSE IS IT?" "THAT ONE." "T?" "WITH JESUS AND HIS FAMILY THERE, OR WHA" "NO." "THE ONE BESIDE THAT." "RIGHT HERE?" "YEAH." "THAT ONE." "NICE DIGS." "IS DADDY HOME?" "HE'S ON AN ADVENTURE, EXPLORING MOUNTAINS." "HE'S BEEN GONE A LONG TIME." "UH?" "EXPLORING MOUNTAINS, H" "?" "HOW LONG IS HE GONNA BE GONE" "TILL NEXT YEAR." "?" "YEAH?" "WHAT ABOUT MOMMY" "SHE LIVES IN GOD'S HOUSE WITH JESUS AND MARY AND THE GHOST" "AND THE LONG-EARED DONKEY AND JOSEPH AND THE TALKING WALNUT." "WELL, WHO THE FUCK TAKES C ARE OF YOU, THEN?" "GRANDMA." "YEAH?" "WHAT'S HER NAME?" "GRANDMA." "[ KEYS JINGLING ]" "?" "IS GRANNY SPRY" "[ DOOR OPENS ]" "EVERYBODY!" "?" "D-O-L-E, DOLE ?" "?" "BANANA SHUFFLE ?" "Kid:" "GRANDMA?" "GRANDMA?" "SANTA'S HERE." "[ DOOR CLOSES ]" "OH, ROGER, YOU'RE HOME." "ARE YOU SPRY?" "LET ME FIX YOU SOME SANDWICHES. [ CHUCKLES ]" "EVERY DAY!" "?" "DO, DO, DO, DO THE DOLE ?" "?" "BANANA SHUFFLE ?" "?" "DO, DO, DO, DO IT ?" "?" "D-O-L-E ?" "ARE YOU TELLING ME SHE'S THE ONLY ONE HERE?" "NOBODY ELSE?" "NO AUNTS OR COUSINS OR UNCLES OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT?" "A BUTLER OR SECURITY GUARD, SOMETHING?" "NUH-UNH." "YOU'RE SHITTING ME." "[ LAUGHS ]" "DOES YOUR DADDY HAVE A SAFE?" "NEED MONEY TO FIX YOUR SLEIGH?" "EXACTLY." "[ EXHALES DEEPLY ]" "YOU WANT MILK AND COOKIES?" "NO." "SHOULD I FIX YOU SOME SANDWICHES?" "UNH-UNH." "DOES YOUR DADD Y HAVE A CAR?" "[ TIRES SCREECHING ]" "BYE, SANTA!" "[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]" "?" "FIRST COMES THE STOCKIN G OF LITTLE NELL ?" "?" "DEAR OLD SANTA, FILL IT WELL ?" "[ WOMAN LAUGHS, SHOUTS ]" "[ WILLIE GRUNTING ]" "Willie:" "OH, MY!" "[ BOTH GRUNTING ]" "Woman:" "KEEP GOING." "JESUS!" "OHH!" "OH, GOD!" "OOH!" "OH, ZENA!" "OH, MARY!" "KEEP IT GOING." "JESUS CHRIST!" "YEAH, BABY." "YEAH, BABY." "K. YOU AIN'T GONN A SHIT RIGHT FOR A WEE" "OH!" "YEAH, BUDDY!" "YEAH!" "[ PANTING ] WHOO!" "[ BOTH GRUNTING ]" "IT WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN." "I CAN PROMISE YOU THAT." "WILLIE HERE HAS LOW BLOOD SUGAR." "THAT'S ALL." "LL." "THAT'S RIGHT." "I FORGOT TO TAKE MY PI" "G. IT'S " " IT'S NOT JUST THE SWEARIN" "UM..." "G, FORGIVE ME FOR PRYIN" ". BUT DID ONE OF YOU , UM..." "FORNICATE.." "FORNICATE?" "YES, WITH A HEAVYSET WOMAN" "IN THE BIG  TALL DRESSING ROOM." "LOOK, I'VE BONED A LOT O F FAT CHICKS IN MY TIME, SURE." "BUT, UH, AS FAR AS I CAN RECALL, I'VE NEV ER FORNICATED ANYBODY." "YES, WELL, EVEN STILL," " I THINK IT'S BEST FOR ALL PARTIES CONSIDERED IF WE " "IF WE WHAT?" ". WELL, I HAVE SOMEONE ELSE INTERESTED IN THE POSITION" ", BEFORE YOU DO SOMETHING STUPID" "YOU MAY WANT TO TH INK ABOUT THIS SHIT." "?" "WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT" "I'M TALKING ABOUT FIRING A LITTLE BLACK MIDGET " "A COLORED, AFRICAN-AMERICA N SMALL PERSON." "THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT." "I'M TALKING ABOUT YOUR FACE ALL OVER GODDAMN "USA TODAY"" "IS WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT." "I'M TALKING ABOUT 150 OF THESE LITTLE MOTHERFUCKERS" "ALL OVER THE SIDEW ALK OUT THERE." "THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT." "LITTLE PICKET SIGNS, CHANTING AND RAVING," "USING LITTLE BULLHOR NS AND SHIT LIKE THAT," "SCREAMING AND HOLLERIN G YOUR NAME OUT." "UNFAIR PRACTICES . GET ME?" ". NO." "NO, NO." "THIS IS NOT A HANDICAP THING" "I-I HAVE NOTHING AGAINST YOU PEOPLE." ""YOU PEOPLE"?" "DID YOU HEAR THAT, MARCUS?" "HE SAID, "YOU PEOPLE."" ""YOU PEOPLE."" "WHO THE HELL IS "US PEOPLE"?" "WAIT " " WAIT." "NO, NO." "I " " YOU DON'T UNDER " " WHAT?" "!" "HE " " NO, NO." "T UM..." "YOU KNOW, I THINK IT'S BES" ". IF " " IF " " IF WE JUST FOR GET WE HAD THIS CONVERSATION" "OKAY." "GOOD THINKING." "AND DON'T WORRY ABOUT US . WE'LL BE FINE." "LET'S GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE, MARCUS." "[ SIGHS ] YOU'RE PATHETIC." ". YOU KNOW, I DIG TH AT LITTLE THING IN YO UR BELLY BUTTON THERE" "?" "WHAT'S THAT?" "LIKE A DIAMOND" "THAT'S NOT A REAL DIAMON D. IT'S A BELLY-BUTTON RING." "OH, YEAH?" "HANG ON A SECOND." ". CHECK THIS OUT" "YOU GOTTA " " YOU GOTTA THRUS T. SEE WHAT I'M SAYING?" "YOU GOTTA MOVE THE BALL AROUND." "YOU GO UP THERE, BABY." "COME ON." "SEE?" "MOVE IT." "MOVE THE BALL." "THERE YOU GO." "MOTHERFUCKER!" "OH, YOU LOUSY, FUCKING MOTHERFUCKER." "[ GRUNTING ]" "THAT'S JUST THE KIND OF SHIT THAT'S GONNA GET US PINCHED." "SHE SAID SHE WAS 18." "BUT YOU PROMISED NO ARCADES." "YOU SAID YOU'D ONLY HUSTLE BIG  TALL." "?" "WHAT?" "YOU SHAT M E OUT OF YOUR WOMB" "W?" "YOU'RE MY FUCKING MOM NO" "U. I DON'T NEED ANY GODDAMN LECTURES OUT OF YO" "OU." "I KNOW HOW TO KEEP A LOW PROFILE, THANK Y" "[ CAR ALARM DEACTIVATES ]" "WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS, MR. LOW PROFILE?" "!" "MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS . [ BOTTLES CLINKING ]" "[ CAR DOOR CLOSES, ENGINE TURNS OVER ]" "] [ ENGINE REVS, GLASS SHATTERS" "EVER HEAR OF THE OPEN BOTTLE LAW?" "A COUPLE OF DAYS AGO, I WAS IN, UH, WOMEN'S BIG  TALL." "AND, UH, I HEARD THESE..." "[ CLEARS THROAT ]" "UM, YOU KNOW, THESE NOISES." "AND I HEARD A WOMAN SCREAMING, "YEAH, OH, YEAH."" "AND I HEARD HIS VOICE SAYING, "THAT'S RIGHT." "YOU AIN'T GOING TO S-H-I-T RIGHT FOR A MONTH."" "BUT DON'T -- DON'T GET ME WRONG." "I " " I'M..." "WAS AGAINST THE CLINTON IMPEACHMENT." "WHAT A MAN DOES WITH HIS OWN PENIS " "OVAL OFFICE..." "WOMEN'S BIG  TALL " "IT'S NOT FOR THE AMERICAN PEOPLE TO SAY." "YEAH, RIGHT." "BUT WHEN YOU'RE DEALING WITH CHILDREN..." "[ SLURPS ]" "THEY HAVE A TENDER SENSIBILITY." "AND YOU ARE IN A POSITION OF TRUST," "I THINK PERHAPS..." "[ SLURPS ] ...SOMEONE WHO HAS SCREAMING ORGASMS WITH LARGE WOMEN" "SHOULDN'T..." "[ CLEARS THROAT ]" "YEAH." "[ CHOMPING ]" "OF COURSE, I CAN'T FIRE HIM FOR THAT." "OH, YEAH." "UNFAIR PRACTICES." "SPECIAL PLEADING . BITCH, BITCH, BITCH." ". FUCKING BROADS" "BUT I JUST -- I JUST CAN'T HELP IT." "THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT THE GUY THAT MAKES ME UNEASY." "WELL, SURE." ". SANTA FUCKING SOMEONE IN THE ASS" "SO..." "[ COUGHING ]" "MAYBE THERE'S SOMETHING I COULD FIRE HIM FOR." "[ SMACK, SMACK ]" "YEAH, I GET YOU." "DO YOU?" "DO YOU THINK YOU COULD FIND SOMETHING?" "NG." "SHIT, YEAH." "THERE'S ALWAYS SOMETHI" "[ GULP ]" "] [ WOMAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY" "[ GLASS CLINKING ]" "SHIT." "HEY, OPAL." "COME HERE." "UNH-UNH." "SCREW YOU, WILLIE, YOUR KINKY ASS." "LAST TIME I DIDN'T SHIT RIGHT FOR A WEEK." "NO, IT'S NOT THAT." "JUST COME HERE." "I NEED TO TALK TO YOU." "[ SIGHS ] I'M JUST TIRED OF YOU, WILLIE." "OOH." "WHO THE FUCK IS IN MY ROOM?" "DID YOU SEE SOMEBODY GO IN MY ROOM?" "YEAH." "SOME GUY ASKING ABOUT YOU." "LOOKED LIKE A COP." "AH, SHIT." "[ SHUFFLING ]" "E. MARCUS, IT'S WILLI" "L, LISTEN, UH, I JUST GOT BACK TO THE MOTE" ". AND, UH, SOME GUY'S IN THERE NOSING AROUND IN MY ROOM" "What guy?" "You get a look at him?" "No, but I think he's a cop, though." ". I THINK SOMEBODY'S ONTO US" "IS THERE ANYTHING IN THE ROOM?" "ANYTHING PROFESSIONAL?" "No, I just got clothes in there." "Just ditch, you idiot." "YOU GOT ANYWHERE TO SACK OUT FOR A WHILE?" "SANTA!" "YEAH." "?" "YOU'RE BRINGIN G MY PRESENT EARLY" "NO." "BUT I NEVER TOLD YOU WHAT I WANTED." "I SAID I DIDN'T BRING IT, DIPSHIT." "OKAY." "GOOD." "I WANT A STUFFED ELEPHANT -- A PINK ONE." "WELL, WISH IN ONE HAND, SHIT IN THE OTHER ONE." ". SEE WHICH ONE FILLS UP FIRST" "OKAY." "LE." "SO, I'M GONNA BE STAYING HERE FOR A WHI" "UH, THINGS ARE ALL FUCKED UP AT THE NORTH POLE." "R, SEE, MRS. SANTA CAUG HT ME FUCKING HER SISTE" "AND, UH, I'M OUT ON MY ASS NOW." "SHE GOT HALF OF EVERYTHING." "L. THIS IS GONNA BE COO" "THIS WILL DO FINE." "[ EXHALES DEEPLY ]" "SO, I'M GONNA BE CRASHING HERE." "?" "IT WILL BE JUST YOU AND ME , LIKE ROOMMATES, YOU KNOW" "DO YOU AND MRS. SANTA HAVE KIDS?" "T. NO." "THANK THE FUCK CHRIS" "WHAT ABOUT THE ELVES?" "WELL, THEY STAY WITH MRS. SANTA." "I GET THEM ON THE WEEKENDS." "?" "WHY DON'T YOU GO RUN ME A BATH" "WHAT ABOUT THE REINDEER?" "WOULD YOU PLEASE SHUT UP ABOUT REINDEER?" "WHAT ARE THEIR NAMES?" "WHO?" "THE ELVES." ". AH, SHIT, I CAN'T REMEMBER" "I-I THINK ONE OF THEM IS SNEEZY," " AND THERE'S A DOPEY, AND " "THAT'S THE SEVEN DWARFS." "OH, YOU'RE SHITTING ME." "I THOUGHT " " I THOUGHT " " I WAS THINKING IT WAS, UH..." "I-I DON'T KNOW." "FUCK, KID, I JUST CALL THEM, YOU KNOW, BUB." "YOU KNOW, I CALL -- I SAY, "HEY, BUB,"" "CK." "OR CHIEF OR WHATEVER THE FU" "AND I TELL HIM TO MA KE THE GODDAMN TOY." "!" "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?" "I CAN'T REMEMBER THIS SHIT!" "!" "DOES EVERYTHING WITH Y OU HAVE TO BE A FUCKING TEST?" "HOW OLD ARE THEY?" "[ SNORING ]" "YOU WANT COOKIES?" "NO." "WARM MILK?" "NO." "SHOULD I FIX YOU SOME SANDWICHES?" ". I DON'T WANT ANY FUCKING SANDWICHES" "S?" "WHAT IS IT WITH YOU AND FIXING FUCKING SANDWICHE" "OKAY." "DO YOU WANT ANYTHING ELSE?" "NO." "OKAY." "SANTA?" "WHAT?" "I BROUGHT YOU SOME ORANGE JUICE." "WHAT'S IN IT?" "ORANGES." "LOOK WHAT I HAVE." "AN ADVENT CALENDAR." "T?" "WHAT THE HELL IS THA" "IT'S THE STORY OF CHRISTMAS..." "BUT IN A CALENDAR." "EVERY DAY YOU PEEL OPEN A NEW BOX." "YOU GET PART OF THE STORY," "AND THEN THERE'S A CHOCOLATE INSIDE." "DO YOU WANT TO OPEN UP TODAY'S BOX AND READ IT?" ". NO, YOU GO AHEAD" "JESUS CHRIST, KID!" "WATCH THE NUTS." "E "SO JOSEPH WENT UP FROM TH E TOWN OF NAZARETH IN GALILE" ""TO JUDEA, TO BETHLEHEM, THE TOWN OF DAVID." ""IN THOSE DAYS CAESAR AUGUST US ISSUED A DECREE" ""THAT A CENSUS SHOULD BE TAK EN OF THE ENTIRE ROMAN WORLD." "." EVERYONE WENT TO H IS HOMETOWN TO REGISTER" "THAT IT?" "YEP." "THAT'S AN AWESOME FUCKING STORY, KID." ". THERE'S MORE TO IT, BUT WE HAVE TO WAIT TILL TOMORROW" "DO YOU WANT TO EAT THE CHOCOLATE?" "YOU GO AHEAD." "S?" "ARE YOU COMING DOWNSTAIR" "I'LL BE DOWN IN A MINUTE." "I GOTTA GO TO WORK." "FUCK ME?" "FUCK YOU." "YOU CAN'T JUST TAKE UP WITH SOME KID." ". YOU DON'T KNOW WHO'S AROUND OR WHAT THEY DO" "YOU GOT SOME NERVE, YOU LITTLE SHIT, YOU." "WHAT, YOU'RE MY MOM NOW?" "WHAT, YOU SHAT ME OUT OF YOUR WOMB?" "YOU SAID THAT YESTERDAY, YOU STUPID FUCK." "SHIT." "FUCK YOU." ", YOU ARE BY FAR THE DUMBEST" "HIT MOST PATHETIC PIECE OF MAGGOT-EATING S" ". THAT HAS EVER SLID FROM A HUMAN BEING'S HAIRY ASS" "W?" "WHAT IF THE KID HAS ONE OF THOSE FUCKING PLAYDATES THEY HAVE NO" "ARE YOU SHITTING ME?" "THE KID DON'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS, OKAY?" "HE DON'T EVEN HAVE AN IMAGINARY FRIEND, THIS KID, UNLESS HE DITCHED HIM." "HE LIVES WITH HIS DROOLING-ASS OLD GRANDMOTHER..." "SITS AROUND IN FRONT OF THE TV ALL THE TIME." "YOU THINK SHE'S GONNA RAT ME OUT?" "SHE DON'T KNOW HER ASS FROM LAST TUESDAY." "YOU FUCK HER?" "JESUS CHRIST, IS EVERYTHING FUCKING SEX WITH YOU?" "WITH ME?" "I FUCK ONE PERSON." ", I AIN'T OUT THER E SERIAL FORNICATING" "TRYING TO FLOAT MY LIVER , DRINKING MYSELF SILLY" "M. 'CAUSE I CAN'T STA ND WHAT A PIECE OF SHIT I A" "WHAT ARE YOU " " SIGMUND SAWED-OFF, FUCKING FREUD?" "YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT , SHIT FOR BRAINS." "HT." "GO AHEAD." "TALK ABOUT MY HEIG" "MAKE IT ABOUT SOMETHING SAFE" "E. 'CAUSE YOU'RE AN EMOTIONAL FUCKING CRIPPL" "T. YOUR SOUL IS DOG SHI" "EVERY SINGLE FUCKING THI NG ABOUT YOU IS UGLY." "[ CRUNCHES LOUDLY ]" "E. COME ON, LOIS." "LET'S GET OUT OF HER" "LOOK WHO'S HERE, JIMMY." "IT'S SANTA." "AT." "THAT'S FUCKING GRE" "LET'S TELL HIM WHAT YOU WANT FOR CHRISTMAS." "FUCK." "!" "I'M ON MY FUCKIN G LUNCH BREAK, OKAY?" "ARE YOU INSANE?" "!" "MANAGEMENT'S GONNA HEAR ABOUT THIS." "T?" "YOU THINK THAT'S A THREA" "E, IF YOU THINK YOU CAN MAK E MY FUCKING LIFE ANY WORS" ". YOU GO RIGHT AHEAD" "BE MY FUCKING GUEST." "TAKE A SHOT." "[ "IT'S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIM E OF THE YEAR" PLAYS ]" "?" "IT'S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIM E OF THE YEAR ?" "?" "WITH THE KIDS JINGLE-BELLING ?" "?" "AND EVERYONE TELLING YOU, "BE OF GOOD CHEER" ?" "?" "IT'S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR ?" "JUST LOOKING." "AAH!" "[ CRYING ]" "FIND EVERYTHING YOU'RE LOOKING FOR?" "UM, YEAH." "THANK YOU." "NOTHING I CAN HELP YOU WITH, HUH?" "NO, NO, I'M JUST..." "LOOKING AT THE GAMES x." "'CAUSE I HAVE AN Xbo" ". UM, WHAT -- W-WHAT ARE YOU.." "AN!" "GET YOUR HANDS OUT OF MY PANTS, M" "YOU STEAL FROM THE STORE, YOU'RE STEALING FROM ME." "WH-- [ SIGHS ]" "WHAT IS THIS?" "I-I WAS GONNA PAY FOR IT." "WRONG ANSWER." "YOU KNOW, WHEN I LOOK AT YOU, YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK?" "I THINK AMERICA HAS A SAD FUTURE AHEAD OF IT." "AND YOU'RE PART OF THIS SORRY-ASS GENERATION." "WHAT YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?" ". I-I DON'T KNOW" "THIS MP3?" "YEAH." "TAKE IT OFF." " BUT M-MY -- MY GRANDMOTHER GA" "TAKE IT OFF." "I DON'T CARE WHO GAVE IT TO YOU." "TAKE IT OFF." "[ STAMMERS ]" "I DON'T CARE IF IT CHOKE YOU TO DEATH." "NOW, I WANT YOU TO GET ON OUT OF HERE." "GET!" "BUT CAN I HAVE.." ". GET!" "HAPPY KWANZAA." "[ CELLPHONE RINGS ]" "AND PULL YOUR DAMN PANTS UP!" "WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU KIDS THESE DAYS?" "Man:" "Gin?" "YEAH." "Yeah, what do you need?" "I NEED YOU TO RUN A PLATE FOR ME." "IT'S ARIZONA PLATES." "Hold on." "Let me get a pen." "[ CLOCK TICKING ]" "IS THAT IT?" "FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, MAKE A MOVE" "AND STICK WITH IT, WOULD YOU?" "[ CHECKERS CLICKING ]" "KING ME." "!" "SON OF A BITCH" "IT!" "YOU LOUSY, CHEATING LITTLE SH" "YOU'RE FUCKING WITH ME!" "YOU DID THAT ON PURPOSE." "YOU SIT THERE, AND YOU PLAY LIKE THE FUCKING DEAD LICE" "ARE FALLING OFF OF YOU , AND THEN SUDDENLY," "YOU'RE LIKE FUCKING SEABISCU IT ALL OVER THE GODDAMN PLACE." "ID." "YOU'RE A SMARTASS, IS WHAT YOU ARE, K" "WANT TO PLAY AGAIN?" "[ DOORBELL RINGS ]" "HOWDY." "HERB GUNNER." "I LIVE TWO STREETS OVER ON BURNING TRAIL ROAD." "UH, I DON'T THINK WE'VE MET." ". I'M UNCLE WILLIE" "UH, I'M ORGANIZING ALL THE DECORATIONS" "FOR THE SUBDIVISION THIS YEAR." "YOU MIND IF I COME IN?" "YEAH." ". I MEAN, YEAH, I-I MIND" "OKAY." "UH..." "WILL YOU BE PARTICIPATING IN OUR LUMINARIAS PROGRAM THIS YEAR?" "WHAT THE HEL L IS A LUNAMARIA ?" "THEY'RE LUMINARIAS." "SMALL SACKS FILLED WITH ABOUT A POUND OF SAND EACH." "THEN WE INSERT A CANDLE IN THE MIDDLE, WE LIGHT IT," "AND THE BAG GLOWS." "THEN WE LINE ALL THE SIDEWALKS HERE" "ALL AROUND THE NEIGHBORHOOD." "WELL, YOU SEE, WE DON'T CELEBRATE CHRISTMAS AROUND HERE," "SO, UM..." "WE'RE, UH..." "WE'RE MUSLIMS." "LOOK, IT'S MY FIRST YEAR RUNNING THIS," "AND, UH, I'D LIKE IT IF THERE WEREN'T ANY GAPS IN IT." "SO WHAT IF I COME BY CHRISTMAS EVE AND DO IT FOR YOU?" "T?" "NO, YOU KNOW WHAT?" "Y OU DON'T HAVE TO DO THA T. I'LL DO IT, ALL RIGH" "YEAH, ME AND THE KID HERE, WE'LL " " WE'LL DO SOMETHING." "GREAT." "UH, I GOT THE SUPPLIES." "I'LL JUST THROW THEM IN THE GARAGE." "PERFECT." "AWESOME." "GOING IN THE GARAGE, JUST SO YOU KNOW." "Man on TV:" "YOU CAN MAKE A DELICIOUS SIX-POUND CHICKEN," "ENOUGH HOT DOGS AND SAUSAGES TO FEED A SMALL ARMY," "NOT ONE, BUT TWO DELICIOUS ROTISSERIE CHICKENS," "FUCK ME, SANTA." "FUCK ME, SANTA." "FUCK ME, SANTA." "A 6 1/2-POUND HONEY HAM," "FUCK ME, SANTA." "FUCK ME, SANTA." "FUCK ME, SANTA." "FOUR FRESHLY CAUGHT WHOLE TROUT," "FUCK ME, SANTA." "SCRUMPTIOUS 6 1/2-POUND STANDING RIB ROAST," "AND EVERYBODY'S FAVORITE -- BABY BACK RIBS." "[ APPLAUSE ]" "[ GRUNTING ]" "[ GRUNTING STOPS ]" "THIS IS SUCH A NICE HOUSE." "NEEDS A WOMAN'S TOUC H, THOUGH." "I JUST RENT THE FUCKING PLACE ANYWAY." ". YEAH, I JUST RENT STUFF, TOO" "YEAH?" "MMM." "[ MUMBLES ]" "E?" "HOW LONG ARE YOU GONNA BE HER" "WHAT?" "ON THE COUCH?" "NO." "IN TOWN." "UH, I DON'T KNOW, UH, JUST THROUGH THE HOLIDAYS." "YOU KNOW, THEN I'LL MOVE ON." "MM." "DS?" "SO, DO YOU LIKE KI" "FUCK, NO!" "WHAT, DO YOU THINK I'M SOME KIND OF PERVERT OR SOMETHING?" ". I JUST MEAN BECAUS E YOU'RE SANTA CLAUS" "OH." ". I LIKE KIDS." "I REALLY LIKE KIDS" "YOU DO?" "ILOVEKIDS." "WELL, GOOD." "YEAH, THEY'RE SOMETHING ELSE, THOSE KIDS." "AND TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH..." "THE FACT OF THE MATTER IS, I'M NOT SANTA." ". LIKE YA ANYWAY" ". [ CHUCKLES ] HMM" "[ SNORING ]" "[ BOOZY VERSION OF "SILENT NIGHT" PLAYS ]" "SO..." "YOU'LL CALL ME, RIGHT?" "YEAH." "I'LL CALL YOU." " I'M GONNA BUY YO U SOME FLOWERS " ". SOME OF THOSE REALLY G OOD EXPENSIVE ONES" "SHUT UP." "[ CHUCKLES ] BYE." "[ KID SCREAMING ]" "ROGER, YOU'RE HOME." "LET ME FIX YOU SOME SANDWICHES." "WHAT THE FUCK?" "KID, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?" "[ SCREAMING CONTINUES ]" "JESUS CHRIST!" "LET ME SEE IT!" "LET ME SEE IT!" "WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO YOU?" "!" "I CUT MY HAND BY MISTAKE!" "OW!" "OF COURSE IT WAS BY MISTAKE." "OW!" "HERE, HOLD STILL." "HOLD STILL." "[ SCREAMING INTENSIFIES ] OH!" "I WAS JUST TRYING TO HELP YOU!" "I FORGOT TO SAY, "IT'S GONNA STING A LITTLE BIT," THAT'S ALL." "DON'T " " SHOULDN'T I WRAP IT IN A T-SHIRT OR SOMETHING?" "GOD DAMN IT." "HEY, KID?" "[ SCREAMING CONTINUES ]" "KID, YOU OKAY UP THERE?" "YOU NEED A BAND-AID OR SOMETHING?" "[ SCREAMING CONTINUES ]" "[ SCREAMING STOPS ]" "AW, SHIT." "[ "SLEEPING BEAUTY WALTZ" PLAYS ]" "YOU'RE LATE." "KIDS -- LET ME TELL YOU..." "THEY RUN YOU RAGGED." "UH, MORNING, TEAM." "HEY, HEY, HEY..." "IT'S NOT QUITE 8:00 YET." "WELL, HOW CLOSE ARE WE?" "NOW IT'S 8:00." "MERRY CHRISTMAS." "UP YOUR ASS." "GOD DAMN IT!" "YOU TEAR YOUR BALL AGAIN?" ". I DON'T THINK SO" "THAT'S IT." "[ THUDDING ]" "[ CRASH ]" "[ Muffled ] GOD DAMN IT!" ". SWEETHEART, DON'T ROMANCE 'EM, NOW" "GO ON AND GET IN THERE . I CAN TAKE IT." "[ CELLPHONE RINGS ]" "YEAH." "Gin, I got the info on that Arizona plate." ". ALL RIGHT." "NOW YOU'RE TALKING" ". OH, HO-- HOLD ON ONE MINUTE" "BABY, BABY." "BABY, BABY . DON'T USE THAT ONE." "FF." "THAT'S NOT THE STU" "T. USE SOMETHING WITH SOME GLOSS TO I" "E. YEAH, THAT HARD CAND Y. THAT'S IT RIGHT THER" "T. LET ME GET SOME OF THA" "YEAH, THAT'S IT." "OKAY." ". YEAH, I'M BACK" "The guy's Roger Merman." "E. Guess where he is." "GIVE IT TO M" "YOU " " OW!" "DAMN IT!" "WHAT'S WR ONG WITH YOU, WOMAN?" "WHO ARE YOU?" "?" "YOUR NAME ROGER MERMAN" "YES." "BUT " "YOU DOING THREE TO SIX FOR EMBEZZLEMENT?" "UH, WELL, MANY ACCOUNTING QUESTIONS ARE NOT CUT-AND-DRIED." "?" "DO YOU LIVE AT 41 SAGE TERRACE" "IS IT GRANDMA?" "IS MY SON ALL RIGHT?" "THEY'RE FINE." "DO YOU HAVE ANY HOUSEGUESTS?" "HOUSEGUESTS?" "THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME." "GOD BLESS." "WELL, HEY, W-WHO ARE YOU?" "HOUSEGUESTS?" "LITTLE TRICK I LEARNED UP AT THE NORTH POLE." "IF YOU FRY BALONEY, IT TASTES LIKE A HOT DOG." "I THOUGHT YOU DIDN'T LIKE SANDWICHES." "YEAH, BUT, YOU SEE, THIS IS NOT A SANDWICH." "A SANDWICH HAS TWO PIECES OF BREAD" "WITH A BUNCH OF JUNK ON IT." "IT'S LIKE A TOSTADA." "DA." "THIS ISN'T A TOSTA" "THERE YOU GO, GRANNY." "LITTLE SALSA HERE." "NOW IT'S A TOSTADA." "HAVE YOU SEEN MY ADVENT CALENDAR?" "WHAT THE FUCK IS IT WITH THE ADVENT CALENDAR?" "WHY ARE YOU SO OBSESSED WITH THAT GODDAMN THING?" "THE STORY SUCKS ANYWAY." "I THINK I SAW IT OUT THERE IN THE HALLWAY." "REALLY?" "I THINK SO." "LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE MESSE D WITH MY ADVENT CALENDAR." "WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?" "LET ME SEE." "NOBODY MESSED WITH IT." "IT LOOKS FINE." "UHH!" "THERE'S A CANDY CORN IN THIS ONE." "WELL, THEY CAN'T ALL BE WINNERS, CAN THEY?" ". WELL..." "IT'S FUCKED" "YEAH?" "YEAH." "FUCKED, FRANKLY." "HE'S..." "CLEAN..." "OH." "AS A FUCKING WHIST LE." "NOTHING?" "NO." "OH." "NOTHING." "I MEAN SHIT." "YEAH." "HE CURSES." "YEAH?" "BUT NEVER AROUND CHILDRE N. OH." "NO CRIMINAL RECORD . YEAH." "NO PARKING TICKETS , FOR CHRIST'S SAKE." "NOTHING." "NO BAD HABITS, EVEN." "OH." "SEX, YEAH." "BUT MAN IS A SEXUAL BEIN G. YEAH." "FUCKIN' DARWINIAN." "OH." "YOU CAN'T DO SHI T ABOUT THAT, JACK . NO." ". HELL, I WOULDN'T WANT TO" "NO, OF COURSE NOT." "I-I'M NOT ADVOCATING CELIBACY." "HOPE NOT." ". IT'D BE THE END OF THE FUCKING HUMAN RACE" "YEAH." "FUCKS LARGE WOMEN." "?" "WHAT CAN I SAY" "HEY, LOOK, IT'S THE RETARD AGAIN." "WEDGIE." "YEAH." "YE AH." "YEAH." "[ SCREAMING ]" "[ RIP ]" "WELL, WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT?" "POKEMON!" "DONE." "YOU PROBABLY SHOULDN'T BE DIGGING IN YOUR ASS." "SANTA..." "[ CHILDREN LAUGHING ]" "OH, JEEZ." "IS THAT YOUR UNDERWEAR?" "PART OF IT." "WHERE THE HELL'S THE REST OF IT?" "NO, ACTUALLY, DON'T TELL ME." "I DON'T WANT TO KNOW." "WHAT DO YOU WANT?" "I WAS THINKING I WANTED A PURPLE STUFFED ELEPHANT, NOT PINK." "D. BUT NOW I CHANGED MY MIN" ". YEAH, WHAT?" "NOW I DON'T WA NT AN ELEPHANT AT ALL" "I WANT A GORILLA NAMED DAVEY FOR BEATING UP" "AR." "THE SKATEBOARD KIDS WHO PULL ON MY UNDERWE" "T, AND HE COULD TAKE HIS ORDERS FROM THE TALKING WALNU" "SO IT WOULDN'T B E MY BAD THING." "JESUS, KID." "WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE, I DIDN'T NEED NO FUCKING GORILLA," "AND I WASN'T AS BIG AS ONE OF YOUR LEGS." "FOUR KIDS BEAT ME UP ONE TIME AND I WENT CRYING HOME TO MY DADDY, AND YOU KNOW WHAT HE DID?" "R?" "HE MADE IT ALL BETTE" "NO, HE KICKED MY ASS." "YOU KNOW WHY?" "'CAUSE YOU WENT TO THE BATHROO M ON MOMMY'S DISHES?" "WHAT THE FUCK?" "NO." "N?" "HE TRIED TO TEACH YOU NOT TO CRY AND BE A MA" "NO." "IT'S BECAUSE HE WAS A MEAN, DRUNK SON OF A BITCH." "AND WHEN HE WASN'T BUSY BUSTING MY ASS," "HE WAS PUTTING CIGARETTES OUT ON MY NECK." "THE WORLD AIN'T FAIR." "YOU GOTTA TAKE WHAT YOU NEED WHEN YOU CAN GET IT." "YOU GOTTA LEARN TO STAND UP FOR YOURSELF." "YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO QUIT BEING A PUSSY" "AND KICK THESE KIDS IN THE BALLS OR SOMETHING." "OR DON'T." "SHIT, I DON'T CARE." "JUST LEAVE ME THE HELL OUT OF IT." "NOW, GET ON OUT OF HERE." "OKAY." "THANKS, SANTA." "GO GET THE NEXT LUCKY BOY OR GIRL, OKAY?" "Marcus:" "ALL RIGHT, NEXT." "OPEN THE ROPES THE RE, MARCUS." "I KNOW YOU?" "NOT YET." "SEVEN CITIES IN SEVEN YEARS." "PRETTY IMPRESSIVE." "THE STORE CHANGES, YOUR NAME CHANGES." "BUT YOU ALWAYS GET AWAY CLEAN." "YEAH." "PRETTY DARN IMPRESSIVE." "WELL, LET'S FACE THE FACTS." "Y'ALL ARE A COUPLE OF HALF-BUCKET SMALL-TIMERS." "AND YOU, BECAUSE OF YOUR PHYSICAL ATTRIBUTES," "YOU FOUND A NICHE, AND I RESPECT THAT." "BUT YOU ALSO BEEN CAUGHT." "BY ME." "SO THIS IS HOW IT'S GONNA BE." "I DON'T WANT TO TAKE OVER." "I DON'T EVEN WANT TO CHANGE YOUR SCAM." "WHATEVER YOU GUYS DO, IT WORKS." "ALL I WANT IS A TASTE." "AND WHEN THE DEED IS DONE, WE PART WAYS." "I'LL BUY A LITTLE RANCH IN HAVASU," "AND YOU ALL TAKE YOUR LITTLE MEDICINE SHOW BACK ON THE ROAD." "[ SIGHS ]" "HOW MUCH?" "HALF." "NO FUCKING WAY!" "YOU DON'T KNOW WHO YOU'RE FUCKING WITH." "EASY, EASY." "JUST BACK OFF, WILL." "I GOT THIS." "I GOT THIS!" "OKAY. 30%." "THERE'S THREE OF US." "30% " " THAT'S FAIR." "HALF." "I MEANT 33%..." "I MEANT HALF." "...AND 1/3." "HALF." "35%." "HALF." "40%." "HALF." "42%." "Half." "45%." "HALF." "48%?" "[ British accent ] HALF." "49%." "HALF." "[ SIGHS ]" "WELL, WHAT'S ONE POINT?" "WE SPLIT THE DOUGH RIGHT DOWN THE MIDDLE." "ANY MERCHANDISE YOU TAKE, I GET TO LOOK AT AND CHERRY-PICK." " NO!" "MONEY'S ONE THING, BUT YOU AIN'T GETTIN' THE SH" "THIS AIN'T NO CHINESE MENU, JAGOFF." "I TELL YOU HOW IT'S GONNA BE." "THIS IS PRICKS FIX." "[prix fixe]" "PRICKS FIX?" "ON." "AW, HE'S A FUCKING MOR" "OH, REALLY?" "IS THAT HOW YOU GOT THE UPPER HAND?" "FUCK YOU." "NEGOTIATING?" "F. IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, NEXT YEAR, FUCK OF" ". I CAN ALWAYS GET ANOTHER BOX JOCKEY" "AND I CAN GET ANOTHER MIDGET, TOO." "YEAH, WHERE?" "YOU SEE US HANGING O FF OF FUCKING TREES" "ES?" "LIKE FUCKING CRAB APPL" "AND EVEN IF WE DID, YOU'D NEVE R FRONT YOUR OWN RACKET." "?" "YOU KNOW WHY, WILLIE" "BECAUSE YOU GOT NO DISCIPLINE," "YOU GOT ZERO FUCKIN' INITIATIVE." "YOU'D FALL APART WITHOUT ME." "YOU'RE JUST TOO PATHETIC FOR WORDS." "YOU'RE A FUCKING LOSER, AND YOU FUCKING KNOW IT." "[ INDISTINCT TALKING ] ?" "TO GO GLIDIN' IN A ONE-HORSE SLEIGH ?" "?" "GIDDYUP, JINGLE HORSE, PICK UP YOUR FEET ?" "?" "?" "JINGLE AROUND THE CLOCK ?" "?" "MIX AND MINGLE IN THE JINGLIN' BEAT ?" "?" "?" "THAT'S THE JINGLE-BELL ROCK ?" "SANTA'LL BE HERE REAL SOON, KIDS, REAL SOON." "?" "JINGLE BELLS CHIME IN JINGLE-BELL TIME ?" "THERE HE IS." "LOOK." "?" "DANCIN' AND PRANCIN' ?" "?" "?" "IN JINGLE-BELL SQUARE ?" "OH, NO." "?" "IN THE FROSTY AIR ?" "?" "WHAT A BRIGHT TIME, IT'S THE RIGHT TIME ?" "?" "?" "TO ROCK THE NIGHT AWAY" "OH, MY GOD!" "OH!" "?" "JINGLE-BELL TIME ?" "?" "IS A SWELL TIME ?" "?" "TO GO GLIDIN' IN A ONE-HORSE SLEIGH ?" "?" "GIDDYUP, JINGLE HORSE, PICK UP YOUR FEET ?" "?" "?" "JINGLE AROUND THE CLOCK ?" "?" "MIX AND MINGLE IN THE JINGLIN' BEAT... ?" "[ SCREAMING AND CRYING ]" "[ GRUNTING ]" "SWEET JEWS FOR JESUS." "[ GRUNTS ] I PISSED MYSELF." "?" "WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU DOING" "YOU SON OF A BITCH!" "HEY, HEY, HEY." "HEY, HEY." "HEY." ". HEY, COME ON, COME ON, COME ON" "LOOK, HEY, HEY, HE Y!" "COME ON, COME ON!" "LOOK HERE." "GET HIM OUT OF HERE." "I'LL GO SMOOTH THINGS OVER WITH CHIPESKA." "TELL HIM FOOD POISONING OR SOMETHING." ""?" "WHAT DO YOU MEAN , "GET HIM OUT OF HERE" "TAKE HIM TO THE CAR." "IN CASE YOU HADN'T NOTICED , I'M A MOTHERFUCKIN' DWARF." ", SO UNLESS YOU GO T A FORKLIFT HANDY" "?" "MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEND A HAND, HMM" "THAT FIGURES." "YOU WANT ALL KIND OF SET-ASIDES " "SPECIAL TREATMENT 'CAUSE YOU'RE HANDICAPPED." "YOU ALL THE SAME." "!" "SPECIAL TREATMENT?" "I'M 3-FOOT-FUCKING-TALL, YOU ASSHOLE!" "CS." "IT'S A MATTER OF PHYSI" "DRAW ME A SKETCH OF HO W I GET HIM TO THE CAR, HUH?" "BITCH, BITCH, BITCH." "SKETCH IT UP, YOU FUCKING MORON." "FUCKING LEONARDO DA VINCI." "WHAT YOU CALL ME, THIGH HIGH?" "OMO I CALLED YOU A FUCKING GUINEA H" "FROM THE 15th-FUCKING-CENTUR Y, YOU DICKHEAD!" "I COULD STICK YOU UP MY ASS, SMALL FRY." "HT?" "YEAH?" "YOU SURE IT AIN'T TOO SORE FROM LAST NIG" "YOU GOT SOME LIP ON YOU, MIDGET." "HT." "WELL, THESE LIPS WERE ON YOUR WIFE'S PUSSY LAST NIG" "E?" "WHY DON'T YOU DUST THAT THING OFF ONCE IN A WHIL" "ASSHOLE." "I PISSED MY PANTS." "OH, SHUT UP." "SANTA." "SANTA?" "WHAT?" "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" "NOTHING." "YOU GOING TO WORK TODAY?" "NOT REALLY." "YOU JUST GONNA SIT THERE?" "YEAH." "JUST LET ME ALONE, OKAY?" "HEY, WAIT A MINUTE . HEY, KID?" "YEAH?" "I WANT YOU TO TAKE THIS LETTER." "WHEN THE PARAMEDICS COME TO BAG SANTA UP," "THERE'S GONNA BE SOME COPS THERE." "PE." "I WANT YOU TO MAKE SURE TH AT THOSE COPS GET THAT ENVELO" "WHAT IS IT?" ".. IT JUST TELLS ALL THE BAD THINGS THAT." "WHAT THE FUCK HAPPEN ED TO YOUR EYE?" "FUCKING LITTLE PRICK!" "SO YOU LIKE TO GIVE LITTLE KID S BLACK EYES, HUH?" "HOW 'BOUT YOU, HUH?" "!" "YOU WANT SOME?" "!" "ANYBODY ELSE?" "ANYBODY ELSE?" "COME ON!" "YEAH, THERE YOU GO." "YOU KNOW, I THINK I'VE TURNED A CORNER." "YEAH?" "YOU FUCKING PETITES NOW?" "NO." "I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT THAT." "I BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF SOME KIDS TODAY." "BUT IT WAS FOR A PURPOSE." "IT MADE ME FEEL GOOD ABOUT MYSELF." "YOU KNOW, IT WAS LIKE I DID SOMETHING CONSTRUCTIVE WITH MY LIFE OR SOMETHING." "I DON'T KNOW." "LIKE I ACCOMPLISHED SOMETHING." "YOU NEED MANY YEAR S OF THERAPY." "PY." "MANY, MANY, MANY FUCKIN' YEARS OF THERA" "OKAY..." "YOU DON'T DRINK, WHICH IS SMART ON YOUR PART." "BUT BEING SOBER CAN PUT YO U AT A DISADVANTAGE" "WHEN IT COMES TO VIOLENCE." "ME, I CAN'T BOX WORTH A SHIT, SEE." "BUT I'M GOOD IN A FIGHT BECAUS E I CAN'T FEEL ANYTHING." "YOU, YOU'RE GONNA FEEL EVERYTHING." "OKAY." "NOW PUT YOUR DUKES UP." "LET ME SEE WHAT YOU GOT." "THIS IS BULLSHIT!" "GIVE ME ONE GOOD REASON" "WHY I SHOULD EVEN CONSIDER DOING THIS, RIGHT NOW." "'CAUSE I LET 2,000 KIDS SPIT IN MY FUCKING FACE" "FOR YOUR ASS, THAT'S WHY." "NOW, I'M ASKING YOU FOR THIS ONE THING." "COME ON, LOOK AT THE KID." "HEISPATHETIC." "YEAH, HE'S JUST " " I DON'T KNOW, HE'S JUST A LITTLE " "HE'S A FUCKING RETARD." "YEAH, WELL, LET'S SHOW HIM A COUPLE OF THINGS" "SO HE CAN DEFEND HIMSELF, THEN." "UNLESS YOU'RE SCARED." "ALL RIGHT, THEN, NOW, HERE'S WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN." "ALL RIGHT, MARCUS IS A BULLY, RIGHT?" "HE'S GONNA PULL YOUR UNDERWEAR UP OUT OF YOUR PANTS." "NOW, WHAT DO YOU DO?" "I DON'T KNOW." "GOD DAMN IT!" "WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU DON'T KNOW?" "IF SOMEBODY COMES UP AND WANTS TO PULL YOUR UNDERWEAR" "UP OUT OF YOUR FUCKING PANTS , YOU HAVE TO GET MAD." "YEAH, KID, COME ON." "GET MAD." "SCREAM AT HIM." "[ MOANS WEAKLY ]" "JESUS FUCKING CHRIST." "LISTEN AT HIM." "HE'S A FUCKING FAGGOT." "LOUD!" "SCREAM!" "BE LOUD!" "BE MEAN!" "PISS HIM OFF!" "COME ON!" "AAH!" "[ GROANING ]" "[ Strained ] YOU DON'T HIT PEOPLE IN THE BALLS," "YOU ASSHOLE!" "AAH!" "WHAT THE FUCK'S WRONG WITH YOU ?" "HE'S JUST A KID." "FUCK YOU, WILLIE!" "OW!" "IT." "[ Groaning ] GOD DAMN" "I TOLD YOU I DIDN'T WANT TO DO THIS!" "MAKING ME " " OHH!" "[ Groaning ] OH, SHIT." "[ GROANS ]" "KID, MAYBE YOU SHOULDN'T SPEND SO MUCH TIME AROUND ME." "YOU SNEAKY LITTLE PRICK." "[ GRUNTS ]" "!" "FUCK YOU!" "LITTLE BASTARD" "GET OFF ME!" "[ MID-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS ON TELEVISION ]" "[ LAUGHING ]" "SHUT UP." "THAT'S NOT EVEN WHAT YOU SAID." "OH, GOD DAMN IT, I FORGOT ABOUT THAT." "WE GOT A FUCKING NURSING HOME AROUND HERE . [ CHUCKLES ]" "WELL, WE CAN GO IN ANOTHER ROOM." "SHE DOES LOOK KIND OF STILL, DOESN'T SHE?" "[ SIGHS ]" "HEY, GRANNY?" "HEY, GRANNY." "HEY, THERE, GRANNY?" "OH, GRANNY." "[ Voice breaking ] OH, MY GOD." "WHAT THE FUCK?" "OH, SHIT." "ROGER!" "GOD!" "AAH!" "GOD DAMN IT!" "SHIT!" "JESUS CHRIST!" "YOU'RE HOME." "PLEASE, FOR CHRIST SAKES , JUST, LIKE, TAP ME OR SOMETHING." "LET ME MAKE YOU SOME SANDWICHES." "[ MOANS SOFTLY ]" "[ CHUCKLES ]" "[ LAUGHS ]" "[ LAUGHS ]" "HELLO, LITTLE BOY." "HELLO." "SANTA..." "I KNOW THAT CHRISTMAS EVE IS IN A COUPLE DAYS," "AND YOU HAVE TO FLY AROUND THE WHOLE WORLD" "AND GIVE PRESENTS TO EVERYONE, AND YOU WON'T BE AROUND ANYMORE." "YEAH?" "SO I THOUGHT I'D GIVE YOU YOUR PRESENT NOW." "WHAT THE FUCK IS IT?" "LE." "IT'S A WOODEN PICK" "WHY'D YOU PAINT IT BROWN?" "IT'S NOT PAINT." "U. IT'S BLOOD FROM WHEN I C UT MY HAND MAKING IT FOR YO" "OH." "WELL, SHIT, KID, I DON'T KNOW." "I..." "THANKS." ". YOU'RE WELCOME" "GOOD NIGHT, SANTA." "GOOD NIGHT, MRS. SANTA'S SISTER." "GOOD NIGHT, SWEETIE." "OH, MY GOD." "THAT WAS SO SWEET." "HE'S A REALLY SWEET KID, ISN'T HE?" "YEAH, I-I GUESS SO." "COME ON, BABY." "COME HERE." "WHAT?" "OH, NOTHING." "I'M ALL RIGHT." "JUST A LITTLE TIRED." "OH." "SANTA!" "GOD DAMN IT!" "WHOA!" "SHIT!" "WANT TO SEE MY REPORT CARD?" "YOU SCARED THE HOLY SHIT OUT OF ME." "THINK I DID GOOD?" "HOW WOULD I KNOW?" "I HAVEN'T SEEN THE FUCKING THING YET." "[ SIGHS ]" "WHO THE FUCK IS THURMAN?" "IS THAT YOU?" "IS YOUR NAME THURM ANYEAH." "?" "THURMAN MERMAN" "YEAH." "JESUS." "SO, YOU THINK I DID GOOD?" "AY?" "WHAT DO YOU CARE WHAT I THINK, ANYW" "WELL, I GUESS YOU DI D BETTER THAN I DID." "I NEVER GOT ANY B's." "I THOUGHT MAYBE AT LEAST SINCE I DID GOOD IN SCHOOL," "MAYBE YOU'D BRING ME A PRESENT." "'CAUSE LAST YEAR AND THE YEAR BEFORE THAT," "YOU DIDN'T BRING ME ANY PRESENTS." "EVEN THOUGH I'M A DIPSHIT LOSER." "D!" "JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, KI" "WHY DO YOU TALK AB OUT YOURSELF THAT WAY?" "!" "LET ME GIVE YOU SOME NEWS." "I'M NOT SANTA CLAUS, ALL RIGHT?" "TAKE A LOOK AT ME." "DO I LOOK LIKE SANTA CLAUS?" "AS A MATTER OF FAC T, I'M LIVING FUCKING PROOF" "THAT THERE'S NOT A SANTA CLAUS." "I KNOW THERE'S NO SANTA." "I JUST THOUGHT MAYBE YOU'D WANT TO GIVE ME A PRESENT" "'CAUSE WE'RE FRIENDS." "THERE HE IS " "THAT LOUSY, LEATHER-FACED, FROG-EYED, MOTHERFUCKER." ". GOOD NIGHT, GIN." "GOOD NIGHT" "JESUS, MOTHER MARY , AND JOSEPH." "W?" "WHAT IS THE PROBLEM NO" "I'M SORRY." "THE VAN STALLED." "WILL YOU GIVE US A JUMP, PLEASE?" "I'LL BE DIPPED IN DOG SHIT." "DO I LOOK LIKE AN AUTO MECHANIC TO YOU?" "I APPRECIATE IT." "ALL RIGHT, SMALL FRY, HELP YOURSELF." ". I CAN'T REACH IT" "JESUS CHRIST, GIVE ME THAT." "THANKS." "ALL RIGHT, HIT IT." "[ ENGINE TURNS OVER ]" "[ MOANING ]" "[ GROANS WEAKLY ]" "OH, MY." "WHAT A TERRIBLE ACCIDENT." "MM-MM-MMM." "IS HE DEAD?" "NO." "BUT IT LOOKS LIKE YOU BROKE MOST OF HIS RIBS." "I'D SAY MAYBE 50% OF THEM," "OR DO YOU THINK 30%?" "[ GROANS ]" ". I NEEDED MORE OF A RUNNING START" "I COULDN'T BUILD U P ENOUGH SPEED." "[ SIGHS ]" "[ ELECTRICITY SIZZLES ]" "[ DOORBELL RINGS ]" "MERRY CHRISTMAS EVE." "?" "HAVE YOURSELF A MERRY LITTLE CHRISTMAS ?" "?" "GOT YOU A LITTLE SOMETHING." ". YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE" ". YOU SHOULD PUT THAT ST UFF IN THE KITCHEN" "GOD DAMN, YOU LOOK GOOD." "?" "OUR TROUBLES WILL BE OUT OF SIGHT ?" "HERE YOU GO." "E?" "?" "HAVE YOURSELF A MERRY LITTLE CHRISTMAS ?" "?" "LITTLE BEHIND THERE, SWEETI" ". WE DON'T NEED ANY MORE OF THIS SHIT." "LOOK AT THAT" ""CHRISTMAS KEEPS US CONNECTED TO EACH OTHER IN PEACE." "THE ANGEL IS GOING TO TELL EVERYONE IN THE WORLD."" "?" "HERE WE ARE ?" "ASPIRIN?" "?" "AS IN OLDEN DAYS ?" "?" "?" "HAPPY GOLDEN DAYS OF YORE ?" "?" "FAITHFUL FRIENDS WHO ARE DEAR TO US ?" "?" "GATHER NEAR TO US ONCE MORE ?" "?" "THROUGH THE YEARS, WE ALL WILL BE TOGETHER ?" "?" "IF THE FATES ALLOW ?" "?" "UNTIL THEN, WE'LL HAVE TO MUDDLE THROUGH SOMEHOW ?" "?" "?" "SO HAVE YOURSELF A MERRY LITTLE CHRISTMAS NOW ?" "?" "THROUGH THE YEARS, WE ALL WILL BE TOGETHER ?" "?" "IF THE FATES ALLOW ?" "?" "HANG A SHINING STAR UPON THE HIGHEST BOUGH ?" "?" "AND HAVE YOURSELF ?" "?" "?" "A MERRY LITTLE CHRISTMAS" "?" "NOW ?" "SHIT!" "JESUS." "SANTA?" "WHAT?" "I WAS GONNA MAKE SOME SANDWICHES." ". I COULD MAKE YOU ONE BEFORE YOU LEAVE" "LISTEN, KID, I-I DON'T KNOW." "I GOT SHIT TO DO AND EVERYTHING." "I mean..." "OKAY, MAKE ME SOME SANDWICHES." "I GOTTA GO TO THE MALL AND TALK TO SOMEBODY." "AND I-I'LL BE BACK." "FOR DINNER?" "YEAH, THAT'S WHAT I SAID." "YEAH." "HOW MANY SANDWICHE S DO YOU WANT?" "UH..." "A-A BUNCH." "HOW MUCH LETTUCE DO YOU WANT?" "[ SIGHS ]" "I-I DON'T KNOW." "THE USUAL AMOUNT." "WHATEVER THE HELL PEOPLE DO." "JUST WHATEVER YOU THINK." "OKAY." "HAVE A VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS." "MERRY CHRISTMAS." "GOOD NIGHT." "MERRY CHRISTMAS." "GOOD NIGHT." "GOOD NIGHT." "OKAY!" "HAPPY HOLIDAY!" "Chipeska:" "ATTENTION, SHOPPERS," "THE STORE WILL BE CLOSING IN FIVE MINUTES." "WE WISH YOU ALL A MERRY CHRISTMAS," "A HAPPY HANUKKAH, AND A JOYOUS KWANZAA." "ALL RIGHT, HOLD IT STEADY." "[ POPS ]" "[ INHALES DEEPLY ]" "OH, YEAH, SHIT, LET'S DO IT." "OH, CHRIST." "MERRY CHRISTMAS." "GOOD NIGHT." "MERRY CHRISTMAS, WILLIE." "UP YOUR ASS." "[ BREATHING HEAVILY ]" "[ BEEP ]" "AAAAH!" "WHOA!" "OH, SHIT." "WHAT?" "WHAT?" "IT'S A KITNERBOY REDOUBT." "SO?" "REMEMBER ANDY PITZ?" "ANDY PITZORELLA?" "YEAH." "NO, ANDY RIPITSKI." "ANDY PITZORELLA WAS ANDY BLUE BALLS." "A. SINCE HE GOT MARRIED , THEY CALL HIM ANDY PITZORELL" "!" "WHAT'S YOUR FUCKING POINT?" "WELL, THEY SAY HE CAN GET INTO ANYTHING." "ANYTHING." "THEY SAY HE'S BEEN IN MARGARET THATCHER'S PUSSY." "AND THAT'S AGOODTHING?" "?" "SO WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU GETTING AT" "WHEN I WAS IN THE JOINT WITH HIM," "HE TOLD ME THAT THE KITNERBOY REDOUBT CAN'T BE CRACKED." "ARE YOU SHITTIN' ME?" "ARE YOU TELLING ME THAT AFTER I PROPPED YOU UP," "S, HELD YOU TOGETHER, SMILED FOR ALL THOSE KID" "DANCED FOR ALL THOSE FUCKING HOUSEWIVES" ", IN A FUCKING LIME-GREE N, FUCKING VELVET ELF COSTUME" "?" "!" "THAT YOU CANNO T GET IN THIS FUCKING SAFE" "IS THAT WHAT YOU'R E TELLING ME?" "!" "HUH?" "!" "NO, I'M JUST SAYING IT'S GONNA TAKE A MINUTE." "FUCK." "SHIT." "34C." "[ VERDI'S "ANVIL CHORUS II " PLAYS ]" "[ GRUNTING ]" "[ GRUNTS ]" "FUCK!" "[ CLICKING ]" "[ CREAKING ]" "PIECE OF CAKE." "I GOTTA GET ONE MORE THING . I'LL BE RIGHT BACK." "OH, SHIT." "WHICH ONE DID HE SAY?" "[ GUN COCKS ]" "I'LL BET THE STORE DICK DON'T WANT THIS." "STORE DICK DON'T WANT SHIT." "WHAT DO YOU MEAN?" "STORE DICK'S DEAD." "STORE DICK DON'T WANT SHIT." "HE'S DEAD, HUH?" "I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW HE WAS SICK." "WILLIE... . THIS HAS BEEN A LONG TIME COMING" "EVERY YEAR, YOU'RE WORSE." "EVERY YEAR, LESS RELIABLE." "MORE BOOZE." "MORE BULLSHIT." ". MORE BUTTFUCKING" "SURE, THE THREE B's." "YOU GOTTA BE ABLE TO REL Y, WILLIE." "YOU PEOPLE ARE MONSTERS." ". THERE'S NO JOY IN THIS FOR ME" "[ CHUCKLES ]" "[ Voice breaking ] I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT YOU TAKING ME OUT." "THAT PART, I GET." "BUT LOOK AT ALL THAT SHIT." "DO YOU REALLY NEED ALL THAT SHIT?" "FOR CHRIST SAKES, IT'S CHRISTMAS." "E. IT IS CHRISTMAS, WILLI" "BUT THIS IS WHAT WE DO." "WE GET THE SHIT." "CHRISTMASTIME, WE GET THE SHIT..." "BECAUSE WE ARE MEN AND LOIS." "IT IS CHRISTMAS, WILLIE." "AND WE ARE MEN AND LOIS." "WHAT YOU WAITING FOR, HONEY?" "COME ON, PLUG HIM." "[ MUTTERING ]" "[ SIGHS ]" "GOODBYE, WILLIE." "DROP THE GUN." "HUH?" "!" "[ GUNS COCKING ]" "AND YOU, SANTA, DROP THE ELEPHANT." "WHERE DID YOU COME FRO M?" "TIPPED OFF." "SHIT, THAT FUCKING KID." "ALL THREE OF YOU ARE IN SO MUCH SHIT, IT'S ALMOST UNBELIEVABLE." "[ MUTTERING ]" "MARCUS, HOP ON!" "[ PANTING ]" "FUCK ME." "HEY, HEY!" "[ TIRES SCREECHING ]" "[ SIRENS WAILING ]" "THIS IS CHRISTMAS, AND THE KID'S GETTING HIS FUCKING PRESENT." "[ SLOW CLASSICAL PIANO MUSIC PLAYS ]" "HALT, POLICE!" "PUT YOUR HANDS UP!" "I SAID FREEZE!" "FREEZE!" "AAAAH!" "AAAAH!" "AAAAH!" "Willie:" "DEAR KID..." "I HOPE THAT YOU GOT MY PRESENT" "AND THAT THERE WASN'T TOO MUCH BLOOD ON IT," "ALTHOUGH THERE WAS BLOOD ON THE PRESENT YOU GAVE ME," "WHICH DIDN'T KEEP ME FROM ENJOYING IT." "SO MAYBE THE BLOOD DOESN'T MATTER SO MUCH, I GUESS." "ANYWAY, JUST IN CASE THEY TOOK IT AS EVIDENCE," "I'M ALSO SENDING YOU A T-SHIRT." "I HOPE IT'S THE RIGHT SIZE." "I'M HEALING UP GOOD," "AND THEY TELL ME THAT I WILL SOON BE 100%," "EVEN WITH 8 BULLETS DUG OUT OF ME," "BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T HIT ANY VITAL ORGANS," "JUST MY LIVER, WHICH IS FUCKED ANYWAY." "HA HA HA." "THANK YOU FOR GIVING THAT LETTER TO THE COPS." "I FORGOT I ASKED YOU TO DO IT," "BUT IT'S A GOOD THING YOU DID OR SANTA'S LITTLE HELPER" "WOULD'VE PLUGGED HIS ASS." "AND NOW THE COPS KNOW I WROTE IT," "WHICH IS GONNA KEEP MY ASS OUT OF JAIL." "THAT, PLUS EVERYONE AGREEING" "THAT THE PHOENIX POLICE DEPARTMENT" "SHOOTING AN UNARMED SANTA" "WAS EVEN MORE FUCKED UP THAN RODNEY KING." "THE COPS ARE TREATING ME LIKE FUCKING ROYALTY NOW," "WHICH IS NEW IN MY EXPERIENCE." "THEY'RE GONNA MAKE ME A SENSITIVITY COUNSELOR" "SO THAT TRAGEDIES LIKE THIS" "WILL NEVER AGAIN EMBARRASS THE WHOLE FUCKING DEPARTMENT." "MEANWHILE, I TOLD THE COPS" "YOU HAD NO ONE TO TAKE THE FUCK CARE OF YOU," "SO THEY SET IT UP WITH MRS. SANTA'S SISTER" "WATCHING YOU TILL YOUR DAD GETS BACK" "IN ONE YEAR AND THREE MONTHS." "THEY MADE HER A GUARDIAN PRO TEMP OR SOME SUCH SHIT." "ANYWAY, SHE SEEMS TO LIKE YOU AND YOUR HOUSE AND JACUZZI." "I SENT HER SOME MONEY," "SO IF YOU PLAY YOUR CARDS RIGHT," "YOU CAN PROBABLY GET HER TO BUY YOU SOMETHING." "AS FOR MY LITTLE HELPER, I'M SORRY TO HAVE TO TELL YOU" "THAT HIM AND HIS PRUNE-FACED, MAIL-ORDER WIFE" "ARE GONNA BE EXPLORING MOUNTAINS WITH YOUR DAD." "I HOPE YOUR DAD DOESN'T GO SUCKING SHIT FROM THEM LIKE I DID." "THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO LET ME OUT OF THIS HOSPITAL ROOM SOON," "SO GET SOME SANDWICHES READY." "UNTIL THEN, DON'T TAKE NO SHIT FROM NOBODY," "LEAST OF ALL YOURSELF." "HO HO HO." "YOUR PAL, SANTA." "HEY, LOSER." "I HEAR YOUR BUDDY'S NOT HERE TO PROTECT YOU ANYMORE." "SEE YOU GOT ME A NEW BIKE." "THANKS A LOT." "I'M TALKING TO YOU, FAT-ASS!" "AAAH!" "[ BIZET'S "MARCH OF THE TOREADORS" PLAYS ]" "[ BIZET'S "HABANERA" PLAYS ]" "[ BUNNYGRUNT'S "SEASONS FREAKLINGS" PLAYS ]" "?" "AND IT WOULDN'T BE CHRISTMA S WITHOUT YOU ?" "?" "CAN'T FOOL ME, I KNOW IT'S TRUE ?" "?" "MERRY CHRISTMAS, MERRY LA LA LA ?" "?" "AND IT WOULDN'T BE CHRISTMA S WITHOUT YOU ?" "?" "CAN'T FOOL ME, I KNOW IT'S TRUE ?" "?" "MERRY CHRISTMAS, MERRY LA LA LA ?" "?" "MAKING MY FRIENDS OUT OF SNOW ?" "?" "IT'S CHRISTMAS, AND I'M ALL ALONE ?" "?" "BUT IT WON'T BRING ME DOWN ?" "?" "'CAUSE CHRISTMAS CHEER IS ALL AROUND ?" "?" "AND IT WOULDN'T BE CHRISTMA S WITHOUT YOU ?" "?" "CAN'T FOOL ME, I KNOW IT'S TRUE ?" "?" "MERRY CHRISTMAS, MERRY LA LA LA ?" "?" "AND IT WOULDN'T BE CHRISTMA S WITHOUT YOU ?" "?" "CAN'T FOOL ME, I KNOW IT'S TRUE ?" "?" "MERRY CHRISTMAS, MERRY LA LA LA ?" "?" "SANTA CLAUS IS FLYING HIG H ACROSS THE FROSTY WINTER SKY ?" "?" "?" "I'M GONNA FIND HIM AND MY TOYS ?" "?" "HE'S IN A BAND THAT JUST MAKES NOISE ?" "?" "AND IT WOULDN'T BE CHRISTMA S WITHOUT YOU ?" "?" "CAN'T FOOL ME, I KNOW IT'S TRUE ?" "?" "MERRY CHRISTMAS, MERRY LA LA LA ?" "?" "AND IT WOULDN'T BE CHRISTMA S WITHOUT YOU ?" "?" "CAN'T FOOL ME, I KNOW IT'S TRUE ?" "?" "MERRY CHRISTMAS, MERRY LA LA LA ?" "[ SWAG MUSIC GROUP'S "CHRISTMAS (BABY PLEASE COME HOME)" PLAYS ]" "?" "CHRISTMAS ?" "?" "CHRISTMAS ?" "?" "CHRISTMAS ?" "?" "CHRISTMAS ?" "?" "THEY'RE SINGING "DECK THE HALLS" ?" "?" "BUT IT'S NOT LIKE CHRISTMAS AT ALL ?" "?" "I REMEMBER WHEN YOU WERE HERE ?" "?" "AND ALL THE FUN WE HAD LAST YEAR ?" "?" "BABY, PLEASE COME HOME ?" "?" "CHRISTMAS ?" "?" "OHHHHH ?" "?" "CHRISTMAS ?" "?" "BABY, PLEASE COME HOME ?" "?" "CHRISTMAS ?" "?" "BABY ?" "?" "CHRISTMAS ?"