"Police Squad!" "In colour." "Starring Leslie Nielsen." "Also starring Alan North." "And Rex Hamilton as Abraham Lincoln." "Tonight's special guest star, William Conrad." "Tonight's episode, Dead Men Don't Laugh." "And all the rabbits just kept hopping along." "Well, things are really rough all over, though." "Last week I took my family to Disneyland." "We get off the freeway." "Sign said "Disneyland left," so we went home." "Well, on behalf of the management, and I'd like to be half of the management, please drink up, enjoy yourselves and I'll see you later." "That's a very good show, Joey." " Boss wants to see you." " Oh, yeah." "Vic tells me that some of the money I gave you to pay the Frenchman was missing." "The Frenchman was very upset." "Let me take your coat." "And when he's upset," "I'm upset." "Look, I don't care what they say." "I didn't steal a thing." "So, what do I tell the Frenchman?" "Just tell him" "I'll take care of everything." "Veronica, I'd never double-cross you." "I swear on my life." "Listen, Joey, that's good enough for me." "Come on, let's have a drink and forget about it." "We make a great team, don't we?" "Let's toast to it." "Here's to your health." "That old black magic Has me in its spell" "That old black magic That you weave so well" "Those icy fingers up..." "Just tell the Frenchman I'll take care of everything." "Put up your hands!" "My name is Sergeant Frank Drebin," "Detective Lieutenant, Police Squad." "I was driving home Mary, the boss' wife when I received an urgent call to report to the city morgue." "I raced over." "What had originally appeared to be a routine drunk driving fatality was now developing into a somewhat more involved situation." "Even though the reported crash had been a sizable one, various elements of the victim's bloodstream had led the police coroner to suspect something more." "And we didn't need this kind of tsuris." "A battery of pathologists and reconstruction experts were assigned to the case." "Crime can be a terrifying threat to members of a community." "And we had no intention of letting this or any other go unchecked." "When I arrived at the morgue, my boss had already begun to investigate the physical evidence." "As was our custom in such cases, we began to talk." "This is disgusting." "Yeah, I can't take looking at that sort of thing." "Don, where have you got the body of Joey Koldys?" "Right here." "Excuse me." "It's a typical 415." " Four fifteen?" " Yes." "The body was found 415 feet from the car." " It must have been a terrible accident." " Yes." "But the crash didn't kill him." "This man died of a drug overdose." "Not only that, gentlemen, but the quantity involved was so massive that it is my opinion Mr Koldys' death was either suicide or murder." "Now, gentlemen, if you'll excuse me." "You know, Frank, there's another thing about Joey Koldys." "He was a courier for a major drug running operation and a police informant." "I think he was murdered." "You think he was killed because he was a stoolie?" "Maybe." "He was always bragging about all the big money he handled." "Maybe he got stupid and tried to rip some off." " Thanks again, Don." " You're welcome." "Multiple bruises of the upper torso, some indication of cardiovascular failure." "Turning to the weather, we have a cold front moving in from the west that'll bring us some showers tonight." "Now, here's the latest from Neil Diamond going out to Margot from Barry." " Ed?" " Frank." "File on Koldys?" "Yeah, yeah, it's a complete detailed report." "Born 1942 in Philadelphia." "In and out of foster homes till the age of 15." "Then he moved into Smith's home." "He wasn't happy there either." "Then he fought Larry Holmes." "Last known address was a mobile home in Alabama." "Married, one child." "That didn't work out, so he married a grown woman." "I wonder how Joey got involved with a dope ring." "He was a comedian at a nightclub called Mr V's." "The place was a front for a dealer named Veronica Rivers." "Unfortunately, our contact in the organisation is gone now, Frank." "And what's worse is we don't have a line on the supplier, some guy called the Frenchman." "Until we get him, there's no sense going after the little fish." "That's right." "And to get the big fish, we're gonna need some bait." "Can we get anyone else on the inside?" "Well, there is a job at Mr V's open right now." "Joey's." "Mr V's is a high-class operation in the exclusive Shorewood area that had launched the careers of some of the biggest names in show business." "Although alleged to be a mob hangout by Ricky "The weasel" Saltstein, we had no hard evidence against the club." "I decided to put in my application for Joey Koldys'job." "Madam." " Excuse me." "You the manager?" " Yes." "I'm an entertainer from out of town." "I hear you have an opening." "Sorry, pal, we filled it." "Nicky, where have you been?" "Hurry up, will you?" "You're almost on!" " I missed the bus." " Look, we already got an entertainer." "Why don't you come back in a couple of weeks?" " You Nicky McBreen?" " Yeah." " You're under arrest." " For what?" "For reproducing the accounts, pictures or descriptions of a major league baseball game without the express written consent of the commissioner." " Okay, so I taped the game." " All right, let's go." "I had a few friends over, but I didn't charge them." "All right, a couple of bucks a head." "Hey!" "What're you doing?" "Without him, I got no show!" "What about me?" "I'm hot and ready to go." "Looks like I got no choice." "What's your name?" "Dewonderful." "Tony Dewonderful." "Tony, you're on." "Ladies and gentlemen, the Johnny Friendly Trio." "Well, I just flew in from out of town and a guy in the airport came up to me and says, "Give me $5 till payday,"" "and I said, "Well, when's payday?"" "And he said, "How do I know?" "You got the job. "" "I got a bad back, you know." "My father has a bad back, too." "So I guess it runs in the family." "In 50 years, I haven't seen him pick up a cheque." "But you know, seriously, I mean it." "We did come from a poor family." "The health department wouldn't condemn our house until we had it painted." "Anyway, seriously, seriously now, seriously, hold it." "Hold it now, seriously." "Anyway, the gal came back from her honeymoon." "She was alone and her parents welcomed her with open arms and they said to her..." "Well, anyway, the guy looked up at her and he said," ""Lady, I don't think I can take 67 more of those. "" "You know, my sister was so ugly, they used to put a pork chop around her neck to get the dog to play with her." "She was also so dumb, she came in one time with hot turd on her hand and she said, "Look what I almost stepped in. "" "Hey, that's some laughter here." "Is that your wife beside you or you just throw up on the seat?" "No, no, no, no, just a minute now." "Hold on." "No, really, time to get in tune." "I'd like now to do for you my tribute to that fantastic performer, a great lady," "Judy." "Clang, clang, clang went the trolley" "Ding, ding, ding went the bell" "Zing, zing, zing went my heartstrings" "You know you made me, yes, I do" "You know I do, indeed I do" "Give me, give me, give me Give me what I cry for" "You know you got the kind of kisses that I die for" "If happy little bluebirds fly" "Beyond the rainbow" "Why, oh, why can't I?" "I've seen the greatest." "Sinatra, Wayne Newton, Carl Yastrzemski." "That was the greatest performance I've ever seen in my life." " Not really." " Yeah." "Listen, the boss is here." "She wants to meet you." "Have a seat, Mr Dewonderful." "Thank you." " Thanks, Vic." " Right." "You looked pretty good up there." "How'd you like a job at my club?" "So you must be Mr V?" "Veronica Rivers." "You work this room real well." "I heard about it from a friend of mine, Joey Koldys." "Terrible thing that happened to him." " Would you like a drink?" " Why not?" "Good." "I took the liberty of ordering you our house special." "To your health, kid." "Tony, are you okay?" "Went down the wrong pipe." "Listen, if you're gonna work here, you'll need a contract." "So, why don't we go over to my office, and you can sign one." "Fine." " Hold it right there, Rivers!" " Who are you?" "My name is Jerry Layne." "This is Lester." "We came here before." "You wouldn't even watch our act." "Well, now I'm gonna force you to give us an audition." "Sit down, both of you." "Now, Jerry, you'll never get away with this." "Why don't you give me that gun and we'll forget about it." "Sit down and shut up." "Now, here's my act." "Lester, I heard you had a girlfriend." " Yes." " Is she pretty?" " Try repulsive." " Repulsive." "No, but you're getting close." "And now, I'm gonna do an imitation of a priest eating potato chips." "Stay where you are, mister." "You better do what he says." "He'll blow your brains out." "Jerry, all I wanna do is tell you that I think that your act is really good." " You do?" " No, he doesn't." "No, I do." "I really do." "It's a very good act." "Now just relax." " Cigarette?" " Yes, I know." "Well, I think that" "Thursday night here, the 8:00 spot would be good for you." " Do you really?" " No, he doesn't." "It's just a trick, stupid." "Yeah, how do I know you'll come through?" "That's easy." "All you have to..." "Look out!" "Say, that was nice work." "You took a big chance doing that." "Well, you take a chance getting up in the morning, crossing the street or sticking your face in a fan." "Well, I like the way you did that." "I could use a man like you around here." "How'd you like to make a little extra cash?" " What do I have to do?" " Just a little errand." "Pick up my car tomorrow morning." "It's down at the doc's." "When I got to the doc's, everything was in order as Veronica had said." "Drug trafficking is the heart and soul of criminal activity in the city and I knew we had tapped the source." "But now to find the evidence." "I dropped the car off at the lab for a more thorough investigation." "So you see, Katie, objects get their shape from the arrangement of their molecules." "If you apply force to these molecules, their arrangement is altered, and the shape of the object is changed." "Now, did you bring me your Crying Judy doll?" "Here she is, Mr Olson." "All right." "Let's see what happens when we put Crying Judy in the trash compactor." "Hi, Frank." "Katie, why don't you run along now?" "Next week we'll learn why cows look forward to giving milk." "Thanks, Mr Olson." "Bye." " What'd you come up with, Ted?" " The boys are working on the car." "They haven't found anything yet." "Let me show you what we're doing." "Now, Ed, I know the car is dirty." "There's got to be drugs here, somewhere." "Going to Mississippi" "Going to see Delilah" "Going to Mississippi" "Going to see Delilah" "I don't know, Frank." "The pieces don't get much smaller." "We got it!" "We got it!" "It was in the glove compartment." "Well, look what we've got here." " Are you sure that's the real thing?" " There's only one way to find out." "Frank, you know we've had this car over six hours." "Yeah, Veronica's gonna get suspicious." " Let's get this car back together fast." " Right." "Shine, little glow-worm Glimmer, glimmer" "Wow, these guys are incredible!" "Ed, we know how Veronica gets this stuff." "Now we gotta flush out the source, the Frenchman." "To do that, Frank, we're gonna have to find out when the next drop will be." "The car is all back together." "We did the best we could." "There were a few pieces left over." "You know, Frank?" "I'll bet that doctor who gave you the car could give us some answers." "You're right." "Let's go." "Sponge on this side, please." "All right, take him!" "After I returned the car, my boss and I grabbed the doctor" " and booked him for drug trafficking." " What's going on here?" "After a lengthy interrogation, he told us the next drop-off was going to be that night, but he didn't know where." "I decided to see if one of my sources knew anything." "Johnny, what do you know about illegal narcotics?" "The city's been bone-dry because of the unstable political situation in the drug-producing countries of Latin America." "I understand there's gonna be a drop tonight." "Do you know where?" "Word on the street has it the action's happening at Mr V's." "Thanks, Johnny." "Johnny, some kids on the show yesterday mentioned a new kind of music, ska." " Do you know anything about it?" " How should I know?" "Nothing but a modern offshoot of reggae." "Updated white rock influences, definitely upbeat." "It'll never become really popular because even though they've made the back beat more conventional, it's still too exotic for mass acceptance." "Johnny, I need some more of that secret formula youth cream." "Thanks, Johnny." "Everything's all set, Frank." "We've got men covering all the exits." "The Frenchman's gotta be here tonight." "Don't worry, I'll flush him out." "It shouldn't be too hard to find a Frenchman in this crowd." " Tony?" "Showtime." " All right, here you go." " Gotta go." " Good luck, Mr Dewonderful." "There are chicks just right for the kissin'" "And I mean to kiss me a few!" "Man, those chicks don't know what they're missin'" "I've got a lot of living to do!" "Thank you." "Thank you, ladies and gentlemen." "Thank you." "Thank you." " Where do you live, lady?" " Right here." "At the table?" "Where'd you put your car?" "In the coat room?" " What do you do, sir?" " Nothing." "How do you know when you're done?" " How about you, sir?" "What do you do?" " I'm an engineer." "lionel or HO?" "How about you, sir?" "What do you do?" "Now be careful." "Don't get it wrong." "Where are you from?" "Baldymore?" " Where are you from, sir?" " Milwaukee." "Why, that's my hometown." " Where, where are you from?" " Seattle." "Why that's my hometown." " Where are you from?" " Chicago." "Why, that's your hometown." "Now I'd like to tell you about my dumb sister." "She was so dumb that she thought that a zebra was the largest size it came in." "All right, Frenchman, the ruse is up!" " You got nothing on us!" " I do now." "Well, Frank, this case is all wrapped up." "Veronica Rivers confessed to killing Joey Koldys and we've got her and Vic and the Frenchman on the dope smuggling rap." "Yeah, from now on they'll all be up there together in the Statesville prison." "Yep, along with Martin and Dutch and Lana, Thames and Sally Decker." "Captain, can I use your phone a minute?" "Yeah, go ahead." "And you know, Ed, what all this goes to show is that the only real dope is the one who sells it or buys it."