"d Here we go d d Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!" "d" "No, it's not in the checkers." "Maybe it's in the backgammon?" "That makes no sense." "Check the Snakes and Ladders." "I did." "It's all Dad's business receipts." "Well, you must've put it back in the wrong game, because I always keep it in the checkers box." "This might be crazy talk, but why wouldn't you keep Hope's birth certificate in the file cabinet?" "That's where we lock up all the bite-sized board game pieces so Maw Maw doesn't mistake 'em for treats." "Of course." "Maybe you put it in the Chinese checkers instead of the regular checkers." "Nope." "Chinese checkers is where Maw Maw's papers go." "Because, like Maw Maw, the Chinese checkers game has lost most of its marbles." "That makes a frightening amount of sense." "Found it!" "That's right!" "I put it in Clue, because her mother beat someone to death with a candlestick." "They're all dead!" "They're dead!" "It was horrible!" "Who's dead?" "Besides everyone I have ever loved?" "Just take a deep breath, Burt." "Start from the beginning." "I was trimming some bushes at the Ericksons'... you know, the rich people with the big house down by the river?" "No!" "I can't save all of you, but I can save some of you!" "Which ones of you are women and children?" "Ah." "You'll have to do, buddy." "One, two, one, two..." "I'm trying to help you!" "I'm sure they're all up in bee heaven, where the streets are lined with pollen and all the little bees get their wings." "Or their... extra wings, or something." "I hate those black and yellow bastards." "Invading our neighborhood, scaring the heck out of everybody..." "We were talking about bees, right?" "I know it's hard, Burt, but death is a part of life." "Oh, you guys don't understand." "Without bees, there's no flowers." "No flowers, no gardeners." "No gardeners... no job." "And one other thing:" "No bees, all life on Earth will cease to exist." "This could be great news." "You're happy about all the bees dying?" "No, that environmental group that I'm part of, they think that the kazoo factory has been dumping chemicals into the river." "And if they hear about all these bees dying," "I'm sure they're gonna want to start a protest." "You should definitely do a protest." "Paint signs, chain yourself to each other," "Even if it takes all day marching around in the hot, blazing sun." "God, I'm so glad you're into this." "We should get started." "Wait..." "I have to go with you?" "Good for them, with their protest." "I wish we could do something that would actually work." "We should write a letter to our senator." " Do you know who that is?" " No." "Do you?" "I seem to recall he has gray hair and he points with his thumb." "But other than that, I'm drawing a blank." "We could just go down to that company and complain." "I don't know, Virginia." "What can two little people like us do against a giant kazoo conglomeration?" "We can give 'em a piece of our minds." "Remember when you went down to the video store 'cause you wanted to return" "Police Academy 5:" "Assignment:" "Miami Beach?" "Yeah, they didn't want that video back, but I wouldn't take no for an answer." "But they did take it back." "Even though the video store turned into an ice cream parlor." "I was so sick of watching that movie." "No, the point is, Burt, you convinced them." "You're right." "If a rag-tag bunch of police recruits can take down a ring of jewelry thieves..." "In a fifth sequel that's so bad even Steve Guttenberg refused to be in it..." "Then we could stand up to a kazoo factory!" "All right, just remember, Burt, be forceful." "Ask their name, look 'em in the eye, and stick your chest out." " I hope this works." " Oh, trust me, it will." "I read it on the back flap of" "How to Win Friends and Influence People." "Excuse me, what's your name?" "Kelly." "Well, Kelly, we have some serious issues to discuss with how your company conducts its business." "Yes, we do, Kelly." "I'm just in Personnel." "You're gonna want to talk to Mr. Gunderson." "He's the top guy around here." "Around the corner, past the second set of elevators." "Okay." "Have a nice day." "Mr. Gunderson..." "We need to talk to you about..." "Who the hell are you?" "Kelly from Personnel sent us." "Right." "The new hires." "You're early, I like that." "What fantastic résumés." "Uh..." "U. Penn?" "I pen, I pencil." "Whatever it takes." "I love the Ivy League sense of humor." "I'm gonna grab your key cards and we'll get you started." "Thanks." "Glad to be here!" "What the hell are you doing?" "We can infiltrate the hive." "Burt, we will never pull this off." "I used to clean offices like this." "These people went to college." "We just want to get a little dirt." "I don't want to retire here and get a golden kazoo." "Here are your key cards, and welcome to Amalgamated Kazoo." "Thank you." "Amalgamating kazoos has been a lifetime dream of mine." "Uh, do you know if Mr. Gunderson is available?" "Oh, you must be the new hires." "Yeah." "Hi." "I'm Kelly from Personnel." "Uh, those positions have been filled." "I'm sorry." "Mom and Dad were inside the kazoo factory trying to uncover the buzz about the dead bees." "Wow." "All this work for kazoos?" "Can you imagine what a harmonica company must look like?" "Time to get to work." "These are the office protocol manuals." "Walk with me." "They cover the rules and the regs, grievance procedures, sexual harassment, workers comp, optical, dental and COBRA." " Oh, snakes!" " Karen Anderson, advertising." "Gary Dilford, product testing." "Wayne Hill, customer service." "Have you tried blowing in the other end?" "And this is your cubicle." "So, you'll have until 1300 hours to set up your voice mail and e-mail accounts, and I'll see you then." "1,300 hours to set up voice mail?" "That sounds pretty complicated." "I knew we'd be in over our heads." "We're gonna get caught." "He's gone!" "What just happened?" "Oh, if we don't look busy when Gunderson's around, he thinks we're not trying." "I'm, uh, here to set up your computers." "I'm Candy from I.T." "Hey." "See?" "I told you they'd look down on us." "Even the computer lady thinks we're so stupid she needs to spell out the word "it"." "I'm gonna snoop around for some dirt." "Just hurry up." "The sooner we get out of here, the better." "Oh, no!" "Oh, no!" "Hey!" "New guy!" "Buy you a drink?" " How is your first day going?" " Great." "Except I can't seem to find the copier room." "I've never seen it." "Never been there." "So, I could just name these files whatever I want, like..." ""Parcheesi" or "checkers" or "backgammon"?" "Yeah, I guess." "But most people name them, like," ""accounts payable" or "customer contacts."" "Those aren't fun board game names." "It's based on a system I use at home." "Clever." "It's nice to meet someone else who's smart and hot." "Oh!" "Did you find anything?" "Yeah." "People around here love free water." "And there's no way to put these cups down." "Okay, so, like I said in the e-mail blast, it looks like we may finally have a breakthrough in our fight to save the bees of Natesville." "Does anybody have any questions?" "Does anyone feel like having their spouse there would be a distraction?" "No." "Mm-mm." "Nope." "Great." "This is going to be a peaceful protest." "We will not be threatening cops or throwing bricks." "We..." "Drastic situations call for drastic measures." "I, for one, am prepared to put on a bee costume and chant profanity." "I may use the "D" word." "And if pushed, the "H" word." "See, guys, this is exactly the attitude that we need if we are going to close down Amalgamated Kazoo." "Whoa, whoa, whoa!" "What the hell!" "No one ever said a damn thing about Amalgamated Kazoo!" "We can't shut them down." "They make the best kazoos in the world." "Those are the only kazoos our jazz quartet, Jazzoo, ever uses." "Come on, Barney, this is very important." "Well, I wouldn't expect someone who's never made the wax paper dance to understand." "Yeah." "You can have my kazoo when you pry it from my cold, chapped lips." "Does anyone else here have an unnatural attachment to kazoos?" "Where have you guys been all day?" "We have been trying to call you." "We accidentally got a job at the bee-killing place." "What?" "!" "You guys are siding with the enemy?" "No, no!" "We are deep undercover." "I spent all day learning how to use the computer." "You know how you were giving me such a hard time about my board game filing system?" "Turns out... that's exactly how computers work." "Even the "it" girl said I was smart." "Oh, Breaking Bad marathon's about to start." "What, you guys are just gonna watch TV?" "Wh-What about the bees?" "This is for the bees." "We have to watch it to keep up with the water cooler crowd." "Water cooler's the nerve center of the whole office." "First they recap last night's cable TV, then they plunge right into office gossip." "So, our ticket into this elite circle is knowing what's going on with this crystal math teacher." "Which one's Walt?" "Which one's Jesse?" "Walt is the schoolteacher slash meth cook." "And Jesse is his stoner assistant." "What?" "While you guys are running around town doing silly crap every week, I'm watching quality television." "Everybody says the paradigm is that Walt is the modern-day Scarface, but in a deeper sense," "I think he represents the evil that resides in all of us." "How about... when that ATM fell on that meth lady?" "I was like, "What?" "Science, bitch!"" "Listen up, everyone." "It's come to my attention that there are two employees that have been hiding something from us." "Now, I didn't want to out them until I had proof from HR, but Karen and Gary are getting married!" "Ah!" "Thanks, gang." "I've got some other great news... is that Karen isn't getting fat." "She's pregnant!" "Oh-ho-ho." "Yeah." "And I am taking us all out to Sombrero Junction to celebrate." "Oh, my God, I've always wanted to go to Sombrero Junction!" "Yeah!" "It's like all the fun of Mexico without worrying about getting your head cut off." "Just great." "But you know what?" "With everyone gone, it might be the perfect chance for us to look around." "Yeah, you're right, it would." "If we find what we need tonight, we don't have to come back tomorrow." "Finding evidence is the reason we came here." "But if they're drinking... they might loosen up and spill some company secrets." "And if we go out, we can buy them shots, then tomorrow they'll be hung over and sloppy with incriminating documents." "We might never get another chance to go out with them." "I mean, how often do office employees go to happy hour at nearby Mexican restaurants?" "I've never heard of it." "It's like, God's practically begging us to go." "It's the responsible thing to do." " Yeah." " Hey, wait for us!" "Where were you guys?" "!" "We were supposed to meet three hours ago to talk about what evidence you guys might have found, and our protest is tomorrow." "And where did you get those cool hats?" "We were at Sombrero Junction with our professional colleagues having a business dinner." "Well, you didn't get any information?" "Oh, we got some information." "You're not gonna believe what's going on in that place." "Brad in accounting... is sleeping with Sarah from H.R." "H.R. obviously stands for "Home Wrecker"!" "Plus Jeff with a "J" steals pens and Geoff with a "G" hates kazoos." "Who's Geoff with a "G"?" "Do you mean Ge-off?" "You guys!" "You were supposed to go in there and get the goods on the company, and instead all you're coming back with is drunk-person office gossip." "No!" "We came back with the trust of our coworkers." "So tomorrow, we can go in there and get them to spill the beans!" "I spilled a bean." "They told me the plate was hot." "I thought they meant spicy!" "So you just worry about your protest tomorrow, okay?" "Trust us." "We are gonna take care of everything from the inside." "We'd probably have a lot more confidence in you if you both weren't wearing flashing sombreros." "Hey!" "We're immersing ourselves in a corporate culture, okay?" "So tomorrow I'm gonna learn how to spread sheets while I'm sitting on an exercise ball." "Oh, Lord, I passed out and woke up in Tijuana again." "?" "Donde esta embassy, por favor?" "Embassy?" "Yee-haw!" "Save the bees!" "Save the bees!" "Murderers!" "Environmental terrorists!" " Save the bees!" " This is going really well." "Yeah, all that screaming has to work." "I can't imagine that they're not annoyed by this." "But you really believe that overregulating business won't lead to the destruction of jobs and the end of capitalism?" "Yes." "I'm so sick of you and your liberal agenda." "Ooh!" "Save the environment!" "Fascist pigs!" "Hey, get some really good stuff today." "Don't worry, I'm on it." "We're just trying to make a decent living, you dirty liberals!" "Yeah." "Yeah, get a job, losers!" "See you at dinner tonight." "You're destroying the environment." "I love you guys!" "Uh, not!" "Bee killers!" "Can you believe that protest?" "What a bunch of loons." "Ge-off couldn't even get out of his car." "I can't figure out why they're here." "Maybe because we dump a lot of toxic waste in the river." "It'd be hilarious if that killed a ton of bees." "Anybody?" "Anything?" "Nothing?" "Hey, Burt." "The "it" girl just taught me how to do a spreadsheet program and I Excel at it." "If you understood computers the way I do, that would've been hysterical." "Oh, I got it." "Hey, I was just talking about the toxic waste thing." "It looked like they had no idea what I was talking about." "It's no hurry." "After lunch, Candy's gonna show me something called a "right click."" "Apparently I've been clicking wrong this entire time." "I'm starting to think Sabrina might've been wrong about this place." "Oh, good." "I need your help." "Those protesters outside are making me nervous." "You two shred these, ASAP." "I think this is the evidence Sabrina was talking about." "We can't shred this." "How are we gonna get a whole box out of here?" " Oh..." " Cuckoo, cuckoo." "When you're done with those, you can start on these." "These are the most sensitive." "Save the bees!" "Save the bees!" "Sabrina?" "Uh, can I not carry this sign anymore?" "Maybe you should take a turn in the bee suit." "What is that noise?" "Yeah, it's like a..." "like a buzz or a-a humming." "Oh, my God." "Jimmy, look." "Hey, guys, what are you doing?" "Look, we have a right to protest." "And we have the right to play sweet music on American-made kazoos." "Oh, please." "You guys don't want to play music." "You're just trying to help this company that's gonna destroy the planet that we leave our children." "Spoiler alert." "I don't have children." "We're here to protest your protest." " They can do that?" " Yes." "Stupid free country." "But you know what?" "We don't have to make it easy for them." "Give me your sign." "Bees are people, too!" "Bees are people, too!" "Shove your poison up your kazoo!" " Bees..." " Bees are people, too!" "Shove your poison up your kazoo!" "Yet another useless invoice that smells like cinnamon." "Excuse me for making a bold deodorant choice." "I like it." "It's like sleeping next to a snickerdoodle." "Wait a second." "I think I found something." ""Waste disposal procedure." "Must be dumped in the..."" "We need the second page." "Well, it's not here." "How can it not be here?" "Maybe they have other copies of it hidden somewhere else." "I bet they do." "Candyland." "That's what Candy the "it" girl calls the backup servers." "See the file path in the footnote?" "Tells you where it is in the network." "So I can log in from here using the VPN." "It's like someone put the document inside Parcheesi, which is inside Snakes and Ladders, which is inside the Internet." "Nothing." "Can't find it anywhere." "Well, Virginia, guess it's back to the drawing board." "That's the bar next to Sombrero Junction where the gang hangs out." "Look, if that Gunderson guy had you shred all those documents" "I'm sure he deleted all the files, too." "I feel kind of silly thinking we could make a big corporation stop polluting." "Maybe it'll make us feel better if we throw all that trash in a landfill." "I got it!" "I've been a maid long enough to know there's two things powerful people never do:" "Notice spare change is missing and take out the trash." "There it is!" "Oh!" "Oh, my God." "They've been dumping in the river every time it rains to cover their tracks." "And there you go." "Your friend Gunderson signed it." "Damn you, Gunderson." "You're gonna be the first one to betray our race when the apes take over." "Which is bound to happen now that the bees are gone." "Well, hey, don't worry." "This is exactly what we need to close down the factory." "Close down the factory?" "Can't we just get 'em to stop dumping chemicals?" "Yeah, we don't want our friends to lose their jobs." "Look, you guys, these people are knowingly dumping chemicals into a river." "They have to be shut down." "Wait." "What if we found a memo that said they didn't do it knowingly?" "This is Dave Davidson with a Channel 3 exclusive." "It's a dirty story about dirty water." "We are the employees responsible for dumping toxins in the Natesville River." "But we didn't know we were doing anything wrong." "The memo said, "Why don't you just dump the waste in the river?" "Semicolon right parentheses."" "But we-we were new to office work and hadn't really gotten down the technical jargon." "Now if we got that message, we'd probably "LOL"." "We really feel colon left parentheses." "That means we're sad." "Amalgamated Kazoo has fired the two employees responsible, yet no criminal charges were filed as the state deemed it an act of idiocy rather than a crime of malice." "The board of directors also came down hard on the man responsible for hiring the two idiots in the first place." "This is Dave Davidson, reporting." "And now back to Sandy Sanderson with Tuesday's Puppy." "Sandy?" "You did it." "You guys did what my environmental group could never do:" "Something." "It feels kind of good." "On the downside, we look like idiots on the news." "Everybody looks like idiots on the news." "Yeah, but in a week some fat kid will get stuck in a water slide and everybody will forget all about you." "You're right." "That's what finally got Iraq off the news." "Very impressive how you planted backdated memos on a corporate server, Virginia." "Yeah, I guess I'm kind of an "it" girl now, too." "Maybe later you could help me, uh, get a picture off the Internet?" "Word to the wise:" "never let anyone photograph you while you're yodeling and juggling cucumbers." "Well, I'm gonna miss working at that office." "But we brought the best part home." "So, did you guys see Downton Abbey last night?" "That Dowager Countess, she's spinning a dangerous web."