"[Burps]" "Stomach number 4?" "Three." "Number 4 still hasn't digested that reebok." "Hi, everyone." "Hi, dad." "Gentlemen, start your enzymes." "I'll get dinner." "I'll help." "I'm sorry i'm late." "Don't tell me" "That new guy at work held you up again." "Yeah." "Once that jim starts talking to us," "It's impossible to get away." "This time i actually had my hand on the car door" "Before he got me." "Who is this guy?" "The idiot son of the boss?" "No, he's just an idiot." "Well, you better not be late tomorrow night." "Or have you forgotten about helping me" "Put up the satellite dish?" "What satellite dish?" "Oh." "I ordered a satellite dish." "It'll be here tomorrow." "Will you help me put it up?" "I'll help you send it back." "Can't." "I bought it during their" ""Absolutely no refunds, what are you, deaf?" Sale." "Absolutely no refunds?" "What are you, deaf?" "Captioning made possible by lions gate home entertainment" "But how many canals are actually being built today?" "I really like your car, willie." "I don't know why people are always bad-Mouthing domestic cars." "There are more important things" "Than good mileage, styling, and resale value." "Thank you, jim." "Please." "I keep asking you," "Call me jimbo." "No." "Come on." "I'm the only jim you'll ever meet" "Who'll let you call him jimbo." "Live a little, willie." "I am living." "So, uh, you from california originally?" "I was born in seattle." "I attended school, graduating in 1974 from n.Y.U." "I worked in record promotions" "Prior to my current job with social services." "My hobbies are saving whales and driving my delorean." "That's quite a life." "No book offers yet." "Ha ha ha!" "Speaking of your delorean," "Um, when are you gonna get it out of the shop?" "I'm in no hurry." "I'd rather they fix it right than fast." "Fast is good, too." "Well..." "Here we are." "This is my apartment." "It's lovely." "Goodnight." "When you said you'd take me home tonight," "I assumed...you meant your home." "Well, why would you..." "I mean, what made you think that?" "I just assumed you invited me home to dinner." "Oh." "Oh, no, that's ok." "I'm getting pretty good at making macaroni and cheese." "I'll get better when they fix my stove." "I don't suppose you" "Love to." "Can i bring a can of something?" "How's it going?" "Lousy." "I'm getting a lot of static," "And for once, it's not coming from kate." "Ha!" "Ha ha!" "It says here that "the satellite dish" ""Must be in an open area" "So nothing blocks its signal."" "Then there's only one solution" "I must tear down the garage." "Where's dad?" "He called a little while ago." "He's bringing jim hutchinson home for dinner." "What?" "Why didn't you tell me this when he called?" "I thought it would give you less time to bellyache." "Why don't you bring the portable tv" "Out to the garage with you?" "What's the point?" "The dish isn't working, willie promised to help me," "And now he's bringing home strays." "You're just lucky we're letting you keep that satellite dish." "Don't use the words "lucky" and "dish"" "In the same sentence unless you mean it." "[Car horn honks]" "Dad's home." "Alf?" "What?" "The garage?" "Objection." "Overruled." "However, it was mark twain's contention" "That in heaven there is no humor" "Due to the fact that humor comes from pain." "Since there is no pain in heaven," "Then there must be no humor." "Mark twain's real name was samuel clemens." "Oh, you've stopped." "Hi, everyone." "This is jim." "Jimbo." "Jimbo." "Jimbo, this is my family." "This is kate and lynn and brian." "Hello." "Hi." "Hi, mr." "Jimbo." "[Jingling]" "Uh..." "We sometimes loan our cable hook-Up to the neighbors." "Dinner's ready." "Grab a chair." "Thanks." "Look, uh, if i'm imposing in the least," "I'll leave." "I'm used to eating alone." "I'm an orphan." "Oh, i'm sorry to hear that." "Most people are." "And no, you're not imposing in the least." "Are you from around here...jimbo?" "I was born in seattle." "I attended school, graduating in 1974 from n.Y.U." "I worked in record promotions" "Prior to my current job with social services." "My hobbies are saving whales..." "Another thing i'll bet you didn't know" "Columbia, south america," "Is completely east of florida." "And the atlantic end of the panama canal" "Is west of the pacific end." "It's your bed time, lynnie." "Oh, thank you!" "Good night." "Good night." "Gosh, look, jimbo, look how late it is." "You're right." "There's a great senate filibuster on c-Span." "You think we can get the cable back from your neighbors?" "We'll see if they're still up." "They usually go to bed at a decent hour." "Thanks." "Alf!" "How long have you been out here?" "Long enough to hate little orphan whiney" "With every fiber of my being." "It's not his fault he's an orphan." "Wanna bet?" "He probably bored his parents to death." "Honey, it is time for him to go home." "I'm trying, kate!" "The man cannot take a hint!" "See if he can take a swift kick in the butt." "All right, he's taken advantage of us long enough." "I'm just gonna have to be firm with him." "Firm?" "Ooh!" "I haven't seen you this worked up" "Since the time you were...adament." "Too rough?" "This is interesting." "Did you know your satellite dish" "Operates at a frequency of 4 gigahertz" "As opposed to the infrared band," "Which is considerably higher on the spectrum." "It's very late." "I know it is." "And i'm sure you're tired." "Well, as a matter of fact, i am." "So, you don't have to bother about driving me home." "Just give me your keys, i'll sleep in the car." "We couldn't let you do that." "No, really, i'll be fine." "It'll be nice and quiet in your car." "Not like my apartment." "They're building that new freeway, you know?" "But the noise is usually drowned out" "By the all-Night bowling alley." "Well, then, of course..." "You can always spend the night here." "Only if i'm not imposing." "We can put brian in with lynn" "And, uh, you can have his room." "You folks have been so nice to me." "Can i level with you?" "I guess." "My name is not really jim, it's steve." "Good night, steve." "Please, call me steve-O-Rino." "Good night, steve-O-Rino." "You know, i am glad you didn't ask me" "Why i don't go by my real name" "Because i can't tell you." "I wish i could," "Because it's a really great story," "But...they told me i couldn't." "Well, i shouldn't." "But i could." "Since you handled the name thing so well." "Ok, i'll tell you." "How long?" "Not long." "Have you ever heard of the federal witness protection program?" "Yes, they give new identities" "To people who have testified in trials." "You're in that program?" "I can't really say." "Yes." "I testified against some counterfeiters," "Nailed them good." "They've been looking for me ever since." "Oh, where's the john?" "Right this way, jim." "Uh, steve...o-Rino." "You're not seriously going to let scarface stay here, are you?" "He's not a criminal." "He's a witness." "What if the mob finds him here?" "They'll blow us up in our sedan!" "There is no mob in this neighborhood." "And of course they couldn't just drive into this neighborhood" "In their sedans." "Good night, alf." "Wait, you can't go to bed, willie." "You have to stay awake and protect us from a sedan-Related death!" "If you're that concerned," "Why don't you stay up?" "Immediately i realize the folly of that statement." "Go to the garage." "And wake up with mr." "Ed's head in my bed?" "I think not." "This is the city." "Los angeles, california." "I was working the night watch out of the backyard." "Today is friday." "My name is alf." "I carry a bat." "[Leaves rustling]" "Whoa, someone's lurking in the bushes." "Meow!" "Cat burglar." "[Click] man: ahhhh!" "Whoa-Oh." "An intruder!" "Ahhh!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "Ow!" "Alf, no!" "Alf, what are you doing?" "Protecting the family from murderers!" "You were the last person i would have suspected, willie." "I'm not a murderer..." "Yet!" "Yeah, maybe i should come back" "When you're in a better mood." "Phhtt!" "Get me down from here!" "Trevor: hey tanner, is that you?" "Trevor, what i'm doing..." "Is very complicated," "And it requires all my concentration." "So if you'd please care to come back later," "I'd be happy to answer any questions" "At that time." "Thank you, and good night." "Good night." "Get me down!" "Ok, ok." "[Thump]" "Oh!" "Oh!" "Alf, would you come over here for a minute?" "Nuh-Uh." "Would you just-- Would you mind" "Just coming--Coming here just within my reach, please?" "You appear to be at the end of my rope." "I thought i told you to go to bed!" "Willie, one of us has to insure domestic tranquility!" "And provide for the common defense." "Besides, you didn't say "simon says."" "[Snoring]" "[Car door closes]" "What-Oh." "A stranger approacheth." "Steady, alf." "Steady." "Don't soil yourself." "Ahh!" "Behold!" "Excalibur!" "Alf?" "What was that?" "Willie, you're just in time!" "I caught a murderer!" "[Gasps]" "Don't mention it." "He's out cold." "My guess would be that he hit his head on your sewer pipe." "What's going on, alf?" "Hero alf." "Why is dad going through the pockets" "Of man in a hole in our backyard at night?" "Because we have an alien." "Oh, right." "What are you looking for?" "His wallet." "Ok, but we split 50/50." "I am looking for identification!" "You're wasting your time!" "No criminal's going to carry i.D. On him!" "Unless he's an f.B.I. Agent." "Alf!" "[Gasps]" "I disavow any knowledge of my actions." "Bye!" "Dad, do you think he's ok?" "Well, other than that unsettling grin on his face," "He seems to be fine." "I should tell jimbo." "Come on, lynnie." "You have to help me!" "Don't let this g-Man take me away!" "What do you suggest?" "Well, i can't take the rap, and you shouldn't have to." "How about kate?" "[Sighs] oh, alf." "Just thinking out loud." "How about kate's mother?" "Forget it." "I'm calling a doctor." "[Car door opens]" "What's that?" "[Car door closes]" "It's, uh...it's a sedan." "It's the mob!" "[Knock on door]" "May i help you?" "Man: f.B.I. May we come in?" "Willie, don't be a hero!" "Don't be a fool with your life!" "Could i see some identification, please?" "Yes, sir." "They've got their i.D." "Oh." "Well, i can't let you go to jail for something i did...again." "Which way is south america?" "[Knock on door]" "Adios." "We're looking for jim hutchinson." "Is he here?" "Yeah, he'll be out in a second." "Who's this?" "Oh, he's--He's one of your men." "Willie?" "What's-- What's going on?" "Well, there's more f.B.I. Now." "Oh." "Nice to meet you." "Please don't take my husband away." "Honey, ix-Nay on the ail-Jay." "This i.D.'S a fake." "Hi, guys!" "Hi, jim." "Jimbo." "Can we talk privately?" "Hey, it's ok, they know all about me." "You told some more people?" "Why don't you just buy air-Time on the super bowl?" "Ha ha!" "He's the funny one." "We just found out the cleveland syndicate's" "Looking for you." "This must be the guy they sent." "They must have made up this fake i.D." "In order to trick jim" "Jimbo into going with him." "Shouldn't you be arresting him about now or something?" "Yes, ma'am." "Under the circumstances," "I think it's best we take both of them." "Fine." "Not that we haven't enjoyed having jimbo stay over," "Thanks." "For everything." "You're the first person i ever knew" "Who overlooked my many faults" "And accepted me for what i am." "I'm gonna miss you, willie." "But they say friendship is like an iceberg" "You can't tell by what's above the surface," "Just how deep it goes." "Did you know the titanic's hull" "Was separated into 16 water-Tight compartments?" "Write him a letter." "Alf?" "Alf?" "Where are you?" "Maybe he's in the garage." "Alf: ah, oh, ow!" "Oh, ah." "Stupid pipe!" "Alf, guess what." "For once your overreacting" "Actually paid off." "That guy you caught really was a crook!" "As it turns out, you are a hero!" "Well, that's nice." "Really great." "Just one question" "Yeah?" "Who are you people?" "For meritorious service" "Above and beyond the call of duty," "We hereby present to you the tanner medal of honor." "Kate: here, here!" "Yay, alf!" "My hero." "Shucks, folks." "I'm speechless--Almost." ""What a score and 12 years ago," ""My parents brought forth a new hero," "Conceived in a desoto, and dedicated--"" "Alf, alf, wrap it up," "Or we take the medal back." ""As god as my witness," "I'll never be hungry again." Thank you." "And now, kate," "How about making me a hero sandwich?" "Ah ha ha!" "[Knock on door]" "Does this belong to you?" "I believe so, yes." "You got something i could cut raquel down with?" "I think there's something in the garage." "I'll help you." "If you don't want" "People taking avocados from your tree," "Just say so." "Captioning made possible by lions gate home entertainment" "Last trap, i promise." "Alf: ah, ha ha ha!"