"Hello, honey," "I'm home!" "Ho-ho!" "Naughty, naughty things." "Ha ha ha!" "(Laughs)" "Oh, mistress mine." "Dad?" "Listen, since Mum's taken Kenzo with her to Grandma's for the week," "I thought I'd meet some friends for a drink." "You know, relive some of the fun I had at university." "Relive the?" "You got pregnant at university." "I think you had enough fun." "Are you all right, Dad?" "Yes, why?" "Well, you went to bed so early, and you didn't eat any dinner." "I know Mum's gone for a while, so, if you are feeling..." "Janey, Janey, it's a few days." "A few days." "Of course I'll miss your mother but, you know, when you've been married as long as I have, you learn to view these situations as opportunities to appreciate all the wonderful things you've been missing." "Oh, that is sweet." "OK, night, Dad." "Whoo." "Oh, you wonderful things, I've really missed you!" "Ha ha ha!" "I've missed you so much." "(Engine noise)" "What the hell?" "Hello!" "Casey!" "Shut..." "Shut that racket off!" "It's enough to wake the dead." "Do you know what time it is?" "(Phone)" "Hello?" "Yes, Susan." "You got there safely?" "Good." "No, it's not me making all that noise, it's that idiot next door." "Casey?" "What do you mean he's a nice man?" "He's a devil in a Pringle cardigan, and he's absolutely ruined my quiet evening..." "reading." "Put a bloody sock in it, you idiot!" "No, not you." "Darling, I didn't mean you." "Just, Susan, look, can't hear a word, better call you back tomorrow." "Bye!" "Love you." "Bye." "Casey, shut that off or I'll shut you off." "Right, that's it!" "Ruined, the whole evening ruined." "Morning." "(Growls)" "Sleep well?" "(Growls)" "Nice talking with you." " (Growls) - (Knocking on door)" "(Growls)" "Isn't that Mr Casey from next door?" "Yes, and his bloody generator kept me awake all last night." "Come in." "How d'you do?" "I'd like a word with the head of the family, please." " Dad's right here." " I said head of the family, not the backside." "I'm looking for Susan." "Hello, Casey." " Hello, Harper." " Enough chit-chat." "What was that racket last night, mm?" "Were the Time Team trying to unearth your personality?" "I'm renovating my home." "I thought it only fair to inform you that beginning today," "I shall be using an electric generator until the work is complete." " Sorry, beginning today?" " Mm." "Then why was the bloody thing on all last night?" "Oh, was it?" "Oh, yes, I was just testing it out and I must've dropped off." "I find the constant low rumbling oddly soothing." " We say the same thing about Dad." " Shut it, Mikey." "Oh, Mr Casey, hello." "I haven't seen you since I caught you watching me sunbathe last summer." "Ah, yes, yes." "I believe I can hear my telephone ringing." "How very unfortunate." "Will you excuse me?" "Funny, you can hear a telephone ringing but you couldn't hear a generator, you pillock!" "You two still haven't buried the hatchet?" "Not me, him." "He bears grudges." "That man has not been the same since his dog died." " Because you backed over it with your car." " It was an accident, Michael." "Dad, you are on the RSPCA offender's register." "Leave me alone, Please, leave me alone, right?" "It was an old dog anyway." "I said I was sorry." "What is the matter with that man?" "It's all very exciting but I'm going to make myself a snack and go to bed." "Go to bed?" "Have you been out all night?" "Dad, it was fantastic." "You know, since Kenzo's been away, I finally have some time for myself." "It's like being 16 again." "You know, getting drunk, wearing skimpy clothes, getting off with blokes I barely know." "Whoa, whoa, you didn't do any of those things when you were 16." "(Laughs)" "Yeah, OK." "Maybe you did." "It is tempting to cut loose when there are no parents in the house." "That's right." "Hang on, what do you mean, no parents?" "What am I then?" "(Both laugh)" "Yeah, good one, Dad." "You two have never been afraid of me, have you?" " Not really." " No." "Are you afraid of your mother?" " Yeah." " Yeah, that makes three of us." "OK, well, I'm off to work." "I'm gonna kill that Casey!" "So, who were you out with last night then?" "Oh, you know, the old gang - Rachel, Annie, Sasha." "Wait." "Sasha, isn't she the one in prison for shoplifting, vandalism and verbal abuse?" "No, she got out for good behaviour." " (Tyres squeal) - (Horn beeping)" " (Crashing sound) - (Shouting)" "What the hell was that?" " Oh, my God!" " Dad?" "Dad, what was that sound?" "Nine, nine, nine." "Yes, hello, emergency, yes." "I need an ambulance, please." "Yeah." "Uh, name?" "Ben Harper." "Yeah." "What do you mean "Me again"?" "Yeah, I've sort of reversed over my next-door neighbour." "Yeah, I just need an ambulance, yeah." "It's 78 Lancaster Road." "You can't miss it." "There's a wisteria round the front door, privet hedge." "Yeah, and a man's out in the street, screaming in agony." "Bye." "What?" "Yeah." "Aw!" "I know how fond of flowers Mr Casey is." "Dad, they're beautiful." "Where did you get those from?" "Where did I?" "I got them... from the shop." " You didn't?" " Mm?" "It's all right, he can still smell them." "Kids, look, I..." "I need your help." "Daddy needs your help, OK?" "So, look, what I did to Mr Casey was an accident, OK?" "We never actually saw what happened." "And the last thing I heard you say was "I'm going to kill Mr Casey"." "And you did have that murderous look in your eyes and there it is again." "Actually, I don't need your help." "This is probably one of those things that'll just go away, or... ruin the rest of my life." " Are you Ben Harper?" " Yes." "You're the person that ran over this individual in your car?" "Yes." "Yes, I ran him over in my car." " Accidentally." " Very." "Very, very accidentally." " You and Casey are neighbours?" " That's right." " Get on well, do you?" " Well?" "Mr Casey and I, we're... we're like that." " How's he doing, Doc?" " Yes, how is my good, good friend?" "Well, we've sedated him for now, but the impact doesn't seem to have done too much damage." "He's obviously very resilient." "Like a cockroach..." "And I love cockroaches, love them." " Will that be all, Officer?" " I think were done here." "By all accounts this was an accident and with no evidence to the contrary," " we're prepared to consider this matter closed." " Oh, that is wonderful, that is so good." " Can I kiss you?" " Not while I'm on duty, sir, no." "One more thing I should say, is that although we consider this matter closed," " Mr Casey here may decide to pursue it." " What do you mean?" "He's talking about you being sued by Mr Casey." "You're always there for the negative things, aren't you, Mikey?" "My advice to you, Mr Harper, is to get your good friend here to sign a disclaimer, absolving you of any blame, just to be on the safe side." "What was that for?" "I've just gone off duty." "Oh, where am I?" "Wakey, wakey, Mr Casey, feeling better?" "Oh, I had a terrible dream." "Really?" "Did you dream that I hit you with my car?" " No." " No?" "Because you did that in real life." " Enjoying the bed I hired for you?" " It's all right." "Yes, it's an orthopaedic 2000 deluxe, fully adjustable, 120 quid a day." "And why are you doing this for me?" "Because I want you to be comfortable, because that's what friends are for." "So, if you just sign this little document here." " What is it?" " It's from the bed company." "A standard comfort report, stating that you're comfortable." "Oh, very well. (Coughs)" "I'm sorry, I'm a bit parched, could I have a drink of water, please?" "Sure, sure, I'm here to serve, here to serve." "Be right back." "Sign it." "Hello, Mr Casey." "I see Dad got you to sign that disclaimer." " What disclaimer?" " Yes, Mikey, what disclaimer?" "Disclaimer, please!" "It's a standard comfort report from the bed company." "Oh, yes, the comfort report." "What was I thinking?" "Look, Mr Casey, there were no problems or damage to my car whatsoever, and I'm willing to sign a document confirming that." "So, if you'd just sign this." "So, let me get this straight, you ran me over, and now you want me to sign this saying it was an accident?" "Simple, isn't it?" "Isn't it simple?" "So simple." "We seem to have a situation here, Harper, don't we?" "First, you run over my dog, then you run over me." "Then, you make a mistake." " What's that?" " You didn't kill me." "Please, Mr Casey, just sign." "(Rings)" "You rang?" "Take this tray away, will you?" "Everything to your liking?" "The beef was too dry, the vegetables too chewy and the trifle had a hair in it." "Oh, yes, just the one?" "But, thanks to you, I'm hardly in a position to get anything else, am I?" "I see a full recovery for your sense of humour." "So, Harper, would you kindly water my yucca." "What are you implying?" "It's quite literally my most prized possession, and it's about to flower." "It needs watering, but sparingly." "Fine, I'll water your yucca." "Excellent." "Keep this up, Harper, and I might just sign that disclaimer for you, eventually." "You're too kind." "If that'll be all, I'll just finish ironing your smalls and go to bed." "You really like ringing that bell, don't you?" "You forgot my bed pan." "I'm well up for tonight, Janey." "First bloke I see, I'm 'aving 'im." "I don't care if he's 900 years old, and has got a wart on his tongue and smells of cheese." "I'm 'aving him!" "Well, hello, Sasha." "Yeah, maybe the second bloke." "Good morning." "Sorry, would you two like some privacy?" "No, no, stay here, right here, until I've... done, OK?" "Isn't that the sponge you use to clean the car?" "Right, all done, all done, very good." "Where's Mikey?" "I suddenly need to talk about rugby very, very badly." " Hello." " Hello." " Mr Casey from next door, is it?" " Yes." "So, word has trickled down to me that you had a dog." "Little Jemma, I couldn't have loved that dog more if I'd given birth to her myself." "Lovely." "Well, back home in Wales, the village elders used to tell me that I had a sixth sense, and I get a shiver down my spine every time I pass that spot where your Jemma was turned into bumper ketchup." "Are you saying that you can communicate on the spiritual plane?" "I can try to make contact with her now." "Would that be OK?" "Yes, please." "(Whistles) Come by." "I see her." "She wants to tell me about the last time she saw you." "She was at peace, happily chewing a bone." "Oh, yes, she used to love her bones." "Jemma says she looked up from the bone and saw the tail lights of the car." "There was the smell of exhaust" " as the engine revved to life..." " Oh!" "...and finally she saw the black of the tyres approaching, approaching fast, too fast." "Your Jemma says that she tried to run away but the car kept following her, and then in the rear-view mirror she caught a glimpse of the laughing face of Mr Har..." "What?" "Erm..." "Now I think of it, I don't think that was your dog after all." " Why, what does she look like?" " Well, first she looked like this." "And then she looked like this." "Bye, now." "Ben Harper?" " Yes." " I'm Felix Channing of Quality Insurance." "I understand you have one of our clients, a Mr Alexander Casey, staying with you." "Yes, he's resting at the moment." "I have an injury claim form for him to sign." "But while I'm here, I'd like to talk to you about your role in all of this." "What do you mean, my role?" "You are Ben Harper, are you not?" "Did I say my name was Ben Harper?" "No, my name's Corey..." "McGerkhin." "My friends call me Stretch." "So, your name is Stretch McGerkhin?" "I didn't quite think that through, did I?" "OK, come in." "If you'd like to come this way and take a seat." "Can I get you a drink?" "I'll get right to it, Harper." "This little insurance scam is total bunk and we both know it." " Scam?" " Scam." " Bunk?" " Bunk." " Scam?" " Yes, scam." " Bunk?" " Yes..." "Look, we seem to be getting stuck so I'll explain it to you." "We've discovered that another insurance company paid out a large sum of money to Mr Casey on an almost identical claim three years ago." "We do not intend to make the same mistake that they did." "Quite right, I see, I see." "So you think Mr Casey's faking his injury?" " I know he is." " Oh, right!" "So, how much money are you expecting to get out of all this?" "What are you offering?" "No, how much has Casey promised you for substantiating his claim?" "No, no, no, no, I'm not in on this!" " I should hope not, because this is fraud." " Fraud?" " Fraud!" " Fraud?" "Yes, let's not start that again." "Do I have to spell out how serious this is?" "Look, look, I'm not in league with this man." "I loathe the man!" "Hey, I killed his dog, you know." "I very much doubt that." "I hope I did, because they cremated the poor little bugger." "Well, if that really is the case, the only way you're gonna clear yourself, is by providing us with evidence that Mr Casey is perfectly capable of walking." "Oh, I think I can handle that." "Yeah, OK." "Hey, is there a reward for catching a fraudster?" " You don't go to jail." " Yeah, that works for me, that's good." "Mikey..." "Mikey, where's your video camera?" "Why, Mum's away." "What curiously dark world do you inhabit, Michael?" " Come on, where is it?" " It isn't working." " Why do you need it anyway?" " Casey, Casey is faking his injury." "If I can prove he's a fraud, I'm off the hook." "So, it's all an insurance scam?" " You bet." " What a slime ball." " Slime ball!" " I like his style." " Ahh!" " Ah!" "Hello, neighbour." " Comfy?" " Yes, thank you." " Could you get me a glass of water?" " OK, get it yourself." " I can't." " You sure?" " Yes." " Oh, really, OK." "Ahh, of course. (Laughs)" "Hello!" "What are you doing?" "I'm just opening a bottle of 18-year-old malt." "Mm!" "Oh, do you love that smell?" "Just think, you were only 70 when they made this." "Mm, I love that smell." "Pity you can't join me in your condition." " No?" " No." "Oh, well, I'll just leave it up here." "Oh, yes, it'll be nice to come home to." " Where you going?" " I'm just popping out for couple of hours." "Can I get you anything?" " Well, actually..." " Good." "How's the recuperation, Mr Casey?" "Fine." "Could you get me a glass of Scotch from the mantelpiece?" "It's time to water your yucca." "Fine." " Say when." " Stop!" " Are you sure?" " Yes." "Oh, dear, it seems I've over-watered your yucca." "Oh, dear, what a silly over-waterer of a yucca person I am." "Right, I know what would soak up some of this water." "These ashes I found." " Where'd you get those from?" " By your fireplace, where your little dog used to sleep." "Oh, they wouldn't be..." "Jemma's ashes, would they?" "(Barks)" "Do you know..." "I think they are." "(Barks) Come on, Jemma." "(Barks) All right, come on." "She's getting very overexcited." "Down we go, yes, that's it!" "Dry out the yucca, that's my girl, come on." "You love trees, don't you?" "Cock your leg, cock your leg." "(Barks) Yeah, good girl, come on!" " Harper." " Yes?" "Those aren't my dog's ashes, they're my wife's." "(Urn smashes)" "What are you doing, stop it, stop it!" "It's taken me hours to fix that thing up." "Hello." "What's the matter with her?" "No idea." "She just passed out a few minutes ago" " right after she said "Let's go clubbing"." " What's she been drinking?" "Nothing, honest." "What do you mean, nothing?" "Janey?" "Janey?" "She just flaked out right after we got in the cab." "Janey, Janey?" "What've you done to her?" "Janey?" "Anyway... the car's outside and it's gonna be well expensive." "Really, well, nice meeting you." "Off you go." "Bye." "Oh, and tell Janey to give me a call later if she's up..." " Yeah, I'll see myself out." " Yeah." "Has she gone?" " Has she what?" " Has she gone?" "Yes, why?" "Oh, thank God!" "I just couldn't take it any more." "Oh, yeah, all that partying finally taken its toll, has it?" "No." "Dad, I feel great." "It's just, I don't know what it is," "I've gone out every night to the most amazing clubs, downing body shots off the taut oiled chests of the fittest waiters with the most enormous..." "You're fond of detail, aren't you, Janey?" "Please." "Yeah, but another minute of that just sounded like the most boring thing imaginable." "I mean, Dad, the whole time I was out, all I could think of was how much I wanted to call Mum and ask about Kenzo, or drive up to Scarborough and just give my son a great big hug." "Yeah, I know." "I know." "I, um, I don't know how to tell you this." "What?" "You don't think I'm coming down with something, do you?" "No, no, you're coming down with something that's much, much worse." " What?" " You're growing up, Janey." "Yeah, you are finally in touch with what's really important in life." " You mean I'm just a loser?" " No, no, no, no, just the opposite." "Janey, you have so much to look forward to." "Janey, I can't begin to tell you what Radio 4's like." "Janey, Gardener's Question Time, Thought For The Day, and Janey, we can learn to play bridge together." "It's gonna be great." "I wish your mother were here to witness this." " What's up, where you going?" " Clubbing with Sasha." " But you just said that was boring." " Not compared to you." "Have a good night." "Night." "Have a nice restful evening, Mr Casey!" "Sleep well!" "Yes!" "(Laughs)" "It's show time!" "Oh, come on!" "(Beeping)" "OK." "Fire!" "Fire!" "Everybody out of the house!" "There's a fire!" " Fire!" " (Beeping continues)" "Fire, oh, fire!" "Oh, my God, fire!" "Fire, everybody, everybody out the house!" "Everybody out the house!" "Oh, my God, serious fire!" "We've got a really big fire, you know - flames, heat, you know, big black clouds - usual stuff." "Oh, looking very nasty, bleak, very bleak." "Bleak House, ha!" "Fire!" "Fire." "Fire." " You're not buying this, are you?" " Nope." "But a good attempt, Harper." "Just think, when all this is settled, I shall be worth a fortune." "They think I'm in on this." "I think you're confusing me with someone who gives a f..." "Fire, fire!" "All right, Mikey, valiant attempt but he's not buying into it." "Your bedroom's on fire." "The whole place is in flames." "Please, Mikey, you're embarrassing yourself, stop it." " Oh, my God, it is!" "There's a fire." " Here he goes." "I've got you, Casey!" " Yes, come on!" " Fire!" "I've got you, Casey!" "And again!" "(Laughs) Yes, Mikey, come on, Mikey, I'm off the hook, I've got a pic..." "Smoke, fire, fire, we've got a real fire." "Mikey!" "Hi, Susan, darling." "Yeah." "Here?" "Oh, no, everything's boring, really." "Yeah, it's fine, yeah." "Susan, you know how you like surprises?" "Yes, you do." "You know how you've always wanted the bedroom painted?" "Yes, you did." "Well, I think we should go the whole hog, yeah." "I think we should have a whole new bedroom suite... and a whole new wardrobe... and lamps." "Yeah." "Did I burn the bedroom down?" "!" "Yes, I did." "Bye, Susan, love you." "Oh, that's very good." "Oh, that's very convincing." "No, this is for real, Harper." "You trampled over me when you ran out of the house." "Oh, that's good." " So, you wanted to see me." " Have a seat." "Look, I've been thinking." "If you go along with my story that the fire was, you know, like an electrical fault, and if I go along with your car injury story, you know." "Yes, that sounds fine to me." "Yeah?" "OK, well, if you'd sign this disclaimer, saying that it was an accident, then I'll destroy all these photographs of you walking." "Agreed." "And we go what, we go what, 50-50?" "Er... all right." "Yeah?" "OK." "Nice doing business with you, Mr Casey." "Come on, let's have a little drink to our agreement." " Cheers." " Cheers." "Hey, Dad, I meant to tell you I fixed my video camera." " That's good, Mikey." " Oh, I think it's gonna be very good." "You see, to test it, I set it right over here and started recording." "What, you mean, like it's been recording all the time?" "Yup." "It recorded your little chat in crystal clear picture and sound." "... 50-50?" "So, gentlemen I believe we have our own little deal to carry out." "What a slime ball!" "I like his style." "Think you're good, Casey, all this boy needs is a cat and a bald head."