"["11" "WOMAN:" "January 11th at 2:30 pm." "Um, you'll do your statement separately." "This one's ours." "[KEYBOARD CLACKING]" "following a verbal dispute in Brooklyn Bridge Park," "Zachary Cowan, age 11, and armed with a stick, struck our son, Ethan Longstreet, in the face." "In addition to the smiling and bruising of Ethan's upper lip, this act also resulted in two broken incisors, including nerve damage to the right incisor." "ALAN:" "'Armed'?" "Armed." "What--?" "You don't like 'armed'?" "Um, Michael, what could we say?" "'Carrying'?" "'Holding'?" "Carrying a stick?" "All right?" "Carrying, yeah." "Carrying a stick." "Heh, heh." "Carrying." "It's ironic." "I always thought Brooklyn Bridge Park was so safe compared to Hillside." "True." "We always said, 'Brooklyn Bridge Park, fine." "Hillside, no way.'" "Mm-hm." "It just goes to show you." "Thank you." "Hey, thank you so much for coming." "It's so much better than getting caught up in that adversarial mind-set." "Well, we thank you." "Really." "Well, I don't think there's any reason for us to thank each other." "Luckily, some of us still have a sense of community." "Right?" "Though the kids haven't got that notion straight yet." "Right." "I mean our kid." "Right, our kid." "Thank you." "Those tulips are gorgeous." "Oh, it's the ﬂorist up by Henry." "You know the one?" "All the way up." "Oh, right." "Yeah." "They ﬂy the bulbs right in from Holland." "Twenty dollars for a whole bunch." "Is that a fact?" "Yeah." "Do you know it?" "All the way up." "Right." "Right." "Well..." "So, what about the tooth with the damaged nerve?" "Well, we don't know yet." "There's some question about the prognosis." "Apparently, uh..." "Well, apparently the nerve is not completely exposed." "Only part of it is exposed." "There's a part that's exposed and then there's a part that's still protected." "For now, they're not gonna devitalize it." "They wanna give the tooth a chance." "Yeah." "We'd so love to avoid a root canal." "Oh, of course." "PENELOPE:" "There's an observation period while they give the nerve a chance to heal." "He's gonna need caps." "You can't have implants till you're 18." "You can't." "Yeah, so, uh, they can only do implants once they're done growing." "Naturally." "Well, we" " We hope it all turns out all right." "PENELOPE:" "One can only hope." "Listen, um..." "He didn't wanna tell on Zachary." "No, he didn't wanna tell." "It was incredible to see this child with no face left, no teeth." "He just wouldn't talk." "Mm, I can just imagine." "He didn't wanna tell on the kid." "His friends would say he's a snitch." "Let's face it, Penny, it wasn't just a sense of honour." "Well, you could say that." "Honour requires a social context." "So how did you finally get Zachary's name?" "Well, because we explained to Ethan that protecting this child was not gonna help him." "We told him if this kid thinks he can get away with hitting, why should he stop?" "We told him if we were this child's parents, we would wanna know." "[CELL PHONE VIBRATING]" "Of course." "Yeah." "Excuse me one second." "Yes, Walter." "WALTER:" "Alan." "Well, thanks for getting back to me." "It's in this morning's Journal." "I'll read it to you." "'According to a study published by British journal Lancet, two Australian researchers have identified neurological side effects of TW Pharma's anti-hypertension medication Antril, including impaired hearing and ataxia.'" "How come nobody told me about this?" "Who does your press monitoring over there?" "This is gonna mean trouble." "You're in deep shit." "What do we do?" "Do we move on this right away?" "ALAN:" "No, no." "My problem is the ASM." "You got an annual stockholders' meeting in two weeks." "Did you schedule a contingency for litigation?" "I'm not sum." "I have to check." "Walter." "Walter." "Yeah?" "Talk to PR." "Find out if it was picked up anywhere else and call me back." "Right." "Okay." "Sorry." "So you're, like, uh..." "Sorry." "So you're, like, uh..." "ALAN:" "An attorney." "And yourself?" "Housewares supply." "Penny's a writer." "She works part-time in a book store." "Mostly art books and history books." "A writer?" "Well, I co-wrote a volume on Sabaean civilization, working with artefacts that were retrieved after the Ethiopia-Eritrea conﬂict." "But, um, right now I'm working on a book about the Darfur tragedy." "Do you specialize in Africa?" "PENELOPE:" "I'm interested in that part of the world, yes." "And do you have any other children?" "PENELOPE:" "There's Courtney." "She's 9." "She's very angry with her father right now because he got rid of the hamster last night." "You got rid of the hamster?" "Yeah." "Heh." "The thing was making such a racket at night." "[CELL PHONE VIBRATING]" "They sleep during the day." "It was driving Ethan crazy, so" "You know, he couldn't take the racket that thing was making." "Yeah." "I don't mind telling you, I've been wanting to get rid of the thing for the longest time." "Finally I said, 'That's it!" "' Took it out, left it on the street." "You left it on the street?" "I figured it was a gutter-sewer animal, but the thing was scared out of its wits out there on the side walk." "They're not pets and they're not wild." "You drop them in the forest, still not happy." "I don't know where you're supposed to put them." "So you just left him outside?" "PENELOPE:" "Yeah, he did." "He tried to convince Courtney that the hamster ran away, which of course, she was not buying." "And this morning the hamster was gone?" "MICHAEL:" "Gone." "What about you?" "What do you do for a living?" "Oh, I'm an investment broker." "Ah." "Uh" " Um" "Let me" " I'm just gonna ask this directly." "Uh, could Zachary apologize to Ethan?" "Sure." "It would be good if they talked." "No, he's got to apologize, Alan." "He has to actually say he's sorry." "Yeah, probably." "Well, is he sorry?" "ALAN:" "He doesn't realize how serious it was." "He's 11 years old." "PENELOPE:" "Well, 11's not a baby." "Well, it's not an adult either." "We forgot to ask you guys, you want some coffee or tea?" "Is there any of that cobbler left, Penny?" "She makes a mean cobbler." "You got espresso?" "MICHAEL:" "We do." "I wouldn't mind a cup." "Glass of water." "Yeah." "I'll lake an espresso too, babe." "And bring the cobbler." "Come on in." "Please." "Please." "Have a seat." "Have a seat." "I didn't mean to rush you out." "Here." "Here." "Thank you." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Thanks." "[SIGHS]" "[CHUCKLES]" "You gotta taste this cobbler." "Where's the cobbler?" "She put the cobbler in the fridge again." "I don't know what language I'm supposed to speak to that woman in." "Nice couple." "Very." "They're nice, right?" "Do you tell everybody I'm a writer?" "You are a writer." "You wrote a book." "Good cobbler is not easy to make." "What do you sell?" "Decorative hardware." "Door locks, handles, copper fittings and" "That's-- Thank you." "And kitchen equipment." "Pots and pans." "Yeah." "Is that a good living?" "You know, it's not like we had any banner years or anything." "It was tough starting out." "As long as I'm out there every morning with my sample case and my catalogue, it's a living." "Although the cast-iron roasting pans do pick up around the holidays." "Yeah." "When you saw that a hamster was terrified, why didn't you bring it home?" "Because I don't touch those things." "You put it on the side walk." "It was in a cage, so I ﬂipped it on its side." "There's no way I'm touching those things." "Sugar?" "No sugar." "What kind of cobbler did you make?" "Apple and pear." "Apple and pear?" "Yeah." "It's, you know-- It's a little recipe of mine." "But it's a shame it's cold." "Apple and pear." "That's new to me." "Apple and pear is a classic." "Of course, there's a twist to it." "Oh, really?" "You have to cut the pears thicker than the apples because they cook faster." "Oh, right." "She's not telling you the real secret." "Heh, heh." "Let them taste it." "Very good." "Very good." "Mm." "Delicious." "Gingerbread crumbs." "Oh, my God." "Well, it's really just a souped-up, old-school recipe." "His mother gave me the idea." "Gingerbread." "Fantastic." "At least we get a new recipe out of this, right?" "Heh-heh-heh." "I wish my son didn't have to lose two teeth in the process." "Right." "That's what I meant." "You have a novel way of expressing it." "[CELL PHONE VIBRATING]" "No, hey, I, uh" " Excuse me." "Yeah, Walter." "[WALTER SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY OVER PHONE]" "No." "No, no." "No letters to the editor." "You'll just fan the ﬂames." "Well, was it scheduled?" "WALTER:" "No." "We decided lo let it go." "What are these disorders anyway?" "What is ataxia?" "It's lack of balance and unsteady or jerky gait." "In normal doses?" "In normal doses, rarely." "ALAN:" "How long have you known this?" "Two years, two and a half years." "ALAN:" "And in all that time, you haven't recalled it?" "You're joking, right?" "ALAN:" "What are we talking about in revenues?" "[WALTER SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]" "ALAN:" "Oh." "Oh, I see." "Okay." "NANCY:" "Ahem." "Al." "We're all waiting for you." "ALAN:" "Yeah, right." "One second." "Dennis?" "DENNIS:" "Did you talk to him?" "They've known about the risks for two and a half years." "Jesus!" "ALAN:" "Yeah." "An internal report." "But the undesirable side effects are not established." "No precautionary measures." "They didn't schedule a reserve." "Nothing in the annual report." "I can't believe it." "Whet ere the symptoms?" "Lack of balance, jerky gait." "The works." "Basically, you look like you're drunk." "[BOTH LAUGHING]" "Roughly half a billion in revenues." "You there?" "Yeah." "What'd you advise him to do?" "Well, deny." "Of course." "That dumb shit wanted us to write a letter to the editor." "No way we're writing a letter." "On the other hand, if we see this is getting picked up, we could do a press release, like 'somebody's spreading false rumours two weeks out from the ASM' kind of thing." "Want me to broach it with him?" "No, he's calling back." "We'll talk and then work on e press release." "Okay." "I've been so busy, I hardly had time for lunch." "Oh, help yourself." "Help yourself." "Here." "Here." "Thanks." "No, no." "Go on." "Go on." "I know I have no manners." "Where were we?" "We were saying it would have been so much nicer if we'd met some other way." "This cobbler, right." "So your mother, huh?" "PENELOPE:" "His mother." "It's my mother's recipe." "Pen made it." "Your mother doesn't use apples and pears." "No." "She's about to have an operation." "Poor thing." "Oh, really?" "What for?" "PENELOPE:" "Her knee." "She's gonna get a polyethylene and metallic prosthesis." "And she's all worried about what's gonna be left of it after the cremation." "PENELOPE:" "Michael, don't be mean." "MICHAEL:" "She doesn't wanna be buried next to my father." "She wants to be cremated and put up-state next to her mother who's all alone." "Couple of urns jabbering away on the shores of Lake Sebago." "[MICHAEL 8;" "NANCY CHUCKLING]" "[MICHAEL 8;" "NANCY CHUCKLING]" "Um, we're very touched by how generous you're being." "We realize how you're trying to smooth things out here instead of making them worse." "Please." "It's the least we can do." "MICHAEL:" "Yeah." "NANCY:" "No, come on." "I mean, so many parents just hike their kid's side, acting like children themselves." "If Ethan had broken two of Zachary's teeth," "Alan and I might have had more of a knee-jerk reaction." "I'm not sure we would see the big picture." "Sure you would." "ALAN:" "She's right." "I'm not so sure." "You would." "Because we all know this could have happened the other way around." "What does Zachary say about this?" "How--?" "How--?" "How is he experiencing it?" "Oh, he doesn't talk much." "A little overwhelmed, I guess" "But he realizes that he disfigured his schoolmate?" "No." "No, he doesn't realize that he disfigured his schoolmate." "Why do you say that?" "Of course Zachary realizes." "He realizes that this violent behaviour is unacceptable, not that he disfigured his schoolmate." "You don't like the word, but the word is appropriate." "My son did not disfigure your son." "PENELOPE:" "Your son disfigured our son." "Come back after school." "Look at his mouth, his teeth." "Momentarily disfigured." "His mouth will be fine when the smiling goes down." "As for the teeth, we'd be willing to chip in for the best dental care." "MICHAEL:" "We've got insurance." "What we want is for the boys to patch it up, make sure nothing like this happens again." "Let's set up a meeting." "Yeah, exactly." "Should we be there?" "They don't need coaching." "Let them work it out like men." "Like men." "Alan, don't be ridiculous." "On the other hand, maybe we don't need to be there." "Maybe it's better if we weren't there, right?" "The issue is not whether we're there or whether we're not there." "The issue is, do they wanna talk about this?" "Do they wanna work this out?" "Ethan does." "Does Zachary?" "We won't give him a choice." "PENELOPE:" "It has to come from him." "Zachary acts like a thug." "We're not gonna wait around for him to see the light." "If Zachary sees Ethan in a punitive context because he's forced to," "I just don't see anything positive coming out of that." "Mrs. Longstreet, our son is a maniac." "If you hope he'll suddenly and spontaneously get all apologetic, you're dreaming." "Look, I'm sorry." "I really do have to get back to the office." "Nancy, you'll slay." "You'll let me know what was decided." "I'm no use to anyone anyway." "Women always think you need the man, you need the father." "Like it would do any good." "Look, I'm really sorry, but I can't stay either." "My husband has never been much of an 'I'll push the stroller'-type daddy." "Well, it's too bad." "It goes by so fast." "Michael, you loved inking care of the kids." "He had a ball pushing that stroller." "Yeah, sure." "PENELOPE:" "So, what did we decide?" "Hm?" "Could you come over to our place at about 7:30 with Ethan?" "Seven-thirty all right?" "Well, if you want my opinion..." "NANCY:" "Yes, please." "I think Zachary should come over here." "PENELOPE:" "Yeah, I agree." "MICHAEL:" "The victim shouldn't make the trip." "PENELOPE:" "Yeah, that's right." "Okay." "Well, I can't be anywhere at 7:30." "Who needs you?" "You're useless, right?" "Heh." "[CELL PHONE VIBRATING]" "Seriously, I think it's important for his father to come." "Not tonight." "Hello." "PENELOPE:" "Tomorrow?" "Hello?" "I'm sorry." "Can you hear me now?" "[SECRETARY SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY OVER PHONE]" "There's not a word in the annual report." "But the risk wasn't officially established." "There's no proof." "Okay." "ALAN:" "Yeah, have him call me back." "Tomorrow?" "Tomorrow I'm in Washington." "MICHAEL:" "You have business in Washington?" "The Pentagon." "Look, the main thing is to get the kids to talk." "So I'll come over to your place at 7:30 with Zachary and we'll just let them talk it through." "What?" "You don't seem convinced." "If Zachary hasn't acquired any accountability skills, they'll just glare at each other, and it'll be a disaster." "Accountability skills?" "What are you talking about?" "I'm sure your son is not a maniac." "Zachary is not a maniac." "Yes, he is." "Alan, don't be an idiot." "Why are you saying that?" "He's a maniac." "How does he explain what he did?" "NANCY:" "He won't talk about it." "He should." "He should talk about it." "That's a lot of 'should s.'" "He should come here." "He should talk about it." "He should feel sorry." "I'm sure you're much more evolved than we are." "We're trying to get up to speed." "In the meantime, indulge us." "Hey, hey, hey." "Come on." "[DOG BARKING]" "Come on." "What happened here?" "This isn't what we're all about." "I was talking about Zachary, about him." "Got that." "Right." "Alan." "You want some more coffee?" "Some real coffee?" "Coffee." "Thank you." "Coffee." "All right." "It's okay, Pen." "I'll get it." "[BARKING CONTINUES]" "[PENELOPE SIGHS]" "I see you're an art enthusiast." "Yes." "Bacon ." "Yeah, it's Bacon." "[SIREN WAILING IN DISTANCE]" "Mm." "Cruelty and splendour." "Chaos." "Balance." "Is Zachary interested in art?" "Not as much as he should be." "Your children are?" "Well, we try to make up for what's lacking in the school curriculum." "Right." "Mm-hm." "We try to hike them to concerts and to galleries." "We really believe that culture can be such a powerful force for peace." "You're so right." "ls cobbler a cake or a pie?" "Here's an important question." "I was in the kitchen." "I was thinking, 'Why should pizza be a pie?" "'" "Oh, here, here." "Don't leave this miserable little piece." "Go ahead." "Go ahead." "Here." "Go on, you have that." "Cobbler's a cake." "No crust on the bottom." "It can't be a pie." "You're a gourmet chef." "PENELOPE:" "I like to cook." "It's something you have to do out of love or not at all." "The way I see it, if there's no crust on the bottom, it's not a pie." "So how about you guys?" "You have other kids?" "I have another son by a former marriage." "MICHAEL:" "Ah." "You know, I was wondering, and I know this is not important, but do you know what they were arguing about?" "Because Ethan won't say a word." "Ethan wouldn't let Zachary be a part of his gang." "Ethan has a gang?" "ALAN:" "And he called him a snitch." "Did you know that Ethan had a gang?" "Heh." "No." "But I'm thrilled to hear it." "Ha, ha." "Why are you thrilled?" "Because I had one." "I was the leader." "So was I." "What does the leader of a gang do?" "You know, you got five or six guys who like you, are willing to sacrifice themselves for you." "Like in Ivanhoe." "Exactly." "Like in Ivanhoe." "Who even knows about Ivanhoe any more?" "It's another role model, like Spider-Man or whoever." "Apparently, you know more about this than we do." "I guess Zachary wasn't quite as silent as you first said." "So why did he call him a snitch?" "Forget it." "Silly question, right?" "What's the point?" "We don't care." "We're not going to get into these children's quarrels." "It's none of our business." "NANCY:" "Right." "What is our business is this unfortunate incident." "And violence is our business." "When I was the leader, I beat up Jimmy Leach in a fair fight, and he was bigger than me." "What does that have to do with anything, Michael?" "No, nothing." "This isn't a fair fight." "These boys weren't fighting." "Right." "I was just remembering something." "It's not very different." "Excuse me." "I'm sorry, there's a difference." "There is a difference." "ALAN:" "What's the difference?" "Well, me and Jimmy Leach agreed to fight." "Did you mess him up?" "MICHAEL:" "A little." "PENELOPE:" "Enough about Jimmy Leach." "Um, look, do you mind if I talk to Zachary?" "Of course not." "I would never do it without your permission." "No, talk to him." "That's completely fine with us." "And good luck with that." "Stop it, Alan." "Why do you say that?" "Mrs. Longstreet-- Penelope." "I think we'll do better on a first-name basis." "Don't you?" "Right." "Penelope, you're acting on the desire to educate" "I don't have to talk to him if you don't want me to." "Go." "Lecture him, talk to him." "Do whatever you want." "I don't understand how you feel so uninvolved here." "Oh, Mrs. Longstreet-- MICHAEL:" "Penelope." "Penelope, I'm very involved here." "My son injured another child." "Deliberately." "See, that's the kind of thing that irks me." "We know deliberately." "That makes the difference." "ALAN:" "Between what and what?" "We're hiking about one thing here." "Our kid picked up a stick, hit your kid." "That's why we're here." "Fruitless." "Right." "She's right, guys." "This kind of talk is fruitless." "So why do you feel you need to slip in the word 'deliberately'?" "What lesson are you teaching me?" "All right, this-- This is getting silly." "My husband is all stressed out over work stuff." "I'll come back tonight with Zachary, and we'll let them work it out." "I'm not stressed out in the least." "Well, I am." "[CELL PHONE VIBRATING]" "There's no reason to be stressed out." "Yes." "There is." "Yeah?" "Well, no comment." "No comment." "[WALTER SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY OVER PHONE]" "No comment." "WALTER:" "Wall, what if I say that we wars awaiting confirmation?" "What?" "If you recall it, you're admitting liability." "Yeah, but that embolism thing is weighing on me." "Recalling Antril would be admitting your liability." "At Christmastime, in the school play, what did Zachary play?" "Zachary played, um..." "Ebenezer Scrooge." "ALAN: --accounting irregularities." "Ebenezer Scrooge." "That's right." "ALAN: --in handcuffs two weeks from now..." "Michael, do you remember when he played Scrooge?" "Sure." "Yeah, sure." "Yeah, he was wonderful." "He had that nightcap on." "He was funny." "Talk about the victims after the stockholders' meeting." "NANCY:" "What did Ethan play?" "PENELOPE:" "He played one of the kids." "One of the Cratchits." "PENELOPE:" "The Cratchit kids." "Right." "We can't recall the drug because three guys can't walk a straight line." "Right." "So for the time being, don't make a move." "All right, all right." "I won't say anything." "All right." "Okay, call you right back." "[CELL PHONE BEEPS]" "[LINE RINGING]" "DENNIS:" "Hello, Alan?" "They're in panic mode." "They got the media breathing down their necks." "All right." "I want a press release that doesn't sound defensive at all." "Just the opposite." "Go for the jugular." "Something like:" "'TW Pharma is a target." "Attempt at manipulation of the stock price two weeks before the stockholders' meeting." "And where does this study come from anyway?" "How does this suddenly drop out of a clear blue sky?" "' Et etcetera, et etcetera." "Not one word about the health issue." "Just one question:" "Who's behind the study?" "Who?" "Got it." "Fine." "Pharmaceutical companies are the worst, right?" "Profit, profit, profit." "Heh." "Nobody said you should listen to my conversation." "MICHAEL:" "Well, nobody said you should have it under my nose." "Oh, wrong." "I'm totally forced to have it here." "Against my will, believe me." "Yeah." "They just peddle the shit, right?" "No one's responsible." "In any therapeutic advance, there are benefits and there are risks." "Yeah, sure, I know." "Still... you got some funny line of work." "What does that mean?" "Michael, it's none of our business." "Just funny line of work." "What about you?" "What do you do?" "MICHAEL:" "I got a normal job." "What's a normal job?" "MICHAEL:" "I told you, I sell pots and pans." "And door handles." "And ﬂush mechanisms and a lot of other stuff." "'Flush mechanisms.' I like that." "That's interesting." "Alan." "I find that interesting." "Flush toilets are interesting." "Why not?" "How many different kinds do you have?" "There's two basic kinds." "You got your push button and your handle-operated." "Yeah, right." "Depends where your water line is." "I see." "Either comes from the side or from the bottom." "Right." "One of my managers is an expert." "I could introduce you if you want." "You'll have to hump it out to Jamaica, Queens, though." "You seem like you know your business pretty well." "Are you planning on sanctioning Zachary in any way?" "You two can have your plumbing discussion some other time." "I don't feel well." "What's the matter?" "Are you all right?" "ALAN:" "You do look pale, honey." "MICHAEL:" "You're all white, yeah." "[GRUNTS]" "I'm nauseous." "Some Raglan." "We got some Raglan, right?" "No." "No, no." "I'll be fine." "A Coke." "What you need is a Coke." "[SIGHS]" "It's not cold." "[CELL PHONE BEEPS]" "SECRETARY:" "Mr. Cowan." "PENELOPE:" "It's not cold." "Thank you." "Are you sure?" "Little sips." "The Coke wasn't in the fridge." "Eh" "All right." "Have him call me back." "Tell him right away." "Okay, Mr. Cowan." "Okay." "Is Coke good for that?" "It's more for diarrhoea, isn't it?" "No, not only." "Better?" "Mm." "I think so." "Mrs. Longstreet." "If we decide to reprimand our child, we'll do it in our own way and on our own terms." "Absolutely." "What, absolutely?" "They're free to do as they see fit." "I don't agree." "You don't agree about what?" "They're not free." "Is that right?" "They're not free." "Is that right?" "[CELL PHONE VIBRATING]" "Go on." "Sorry." "Yeah?" "Great." "DENNIS:" "We're writing the statement." "ALAN:" "Yeah, but don't forget." "Northing's been proven hero Northing's certain." "Don't fuck this up." "If we don't get this right," "Walter will be out on his ass in two weeks, and so will we." "Enough, Alan!" "Enough with the cell phone already!" "The here and now, goddamn it." "[BURPS]" "Call me back and read it to me." "I'll call you back." "What's wrong with you, screaming at me like that?" "Dennis heard every word." "Good." "I am sick of that fucking cell phone, every minute of every day." "Listen, Nancy." "You should be thanking me for agreeing to come here." "PENELOPE:" "Really?" "Oh, God." "I'm gonna throw up." "No, you're not." "NANCY:" "I am." "You wanna use the bathroom?" "Nobody's forcing you to shy." "She's right." "Nobody's forcing you to shy." "NANCY:" "I feel dizzy." "Shire at a point in space." "Shire at a point in space, Doodle." "Hey, you can see part of the el from here." "Cool." "Get away from me." "Leave me alone." "Shouldn't she go to the bathroom?" "Go to the bathroom if you have to throw up." "Give her some Raglan." "It can't be the cobbler?" "No." "I made it yesterday." "Don't touch me!" "Take it easy, Doodle." "Yeah, come on." "Don't get all bent out of shape over nothing." "My husband feels that anything to do with the house, the school, the backyard, is my domain." "I do not." "NANCY:" "You do so." "And I can understand why." "It's all so excruciatingly boring." "It's excruciating." "If it's so excruciating, why have children in the first place?" "Maybe Zachary's picking up on that lack of interest." "What lack of interest?" "You just said yourself." "Go get a bucket." "Go get a bucket!" "[NANCY PANTING]" "Stupid bitch." "You should have gone to the bathroom." "This is ridiculous." "Your suit took a hit." "What?" "Couldn't be the cobbler, that I know." "It's not the cobbler." "This is just nerves." "Do you wanna clean up in the bathroom or...?" "[GASPS]" "My Kokoschka." "Here." "[PANTING]" "Give her some Raglan." "She can't keep anything down." "Where's the bathroom?" "I'll show you." "Ugh." "This is nerves." "Just nerves." "Thank you." "It's like I always say, you can't get over something while you're under it." "With me, it's the back of my neck." "I get all blocked up back there." "All right." "NANCY:" "Mm-hm." "What do we do with the Kokoschka?" "We can clean it." "Maybe Lysol." "The problem is gonna be drying it." "Maybe plain water and some cologne." "Cologne?" "I got some of that Kronos stuff I never use." "The paper will warp." "Then we'll blow-dry it and put some books on top of it after to ﬂatten it out." "Or maybe iron it, like dollar bills." "Oh, God." "I'll buy you another one." "There is no other one." "It's been out of print for years." "I'm so sorry." "We can save it." "Pen, let me do this." "It's a reprint from the catalogue of the 1957 show in London." "Get the blow-dryer and the cologne in the bathroom cabinet." "Her husband's in the bathroom." "He's not on the can." "Look, I got most of it off." "There's just a little left on the Dolgans." "[BLOW-DRYER WHIRRING]" "Excuse me." "Ugh." "Are you feeling better?" "Yeah." "What, should I spray or--?" "Where's the blow-dryer?" "He's drying his pants." "We'll wait." "We should put the Kronos on there last." "Okay." "Can I use the bathroom too?" "Yes." "Of course." "Of course." "I don't know what to say." "I am so sorry. [BLOW-DRYER WHIRRING]" "[KNOCKS ON DOOR]" "Bring the blow-dryer when you're done." "So sorry." "God." "Ugh." "Unbelievable." "Un-fucking-believable." "Her cobbler's horrible." "You stuffed your face." "Well... look at my day." "I gotta get some food in me sometime." "[GARGLES]" "Oh, God." "Freaking nightmare." "He better watch it." "He's got me right on the edge." "She's horrible." "Hm." "Less." "She's so fake." "She doesn't bother me as much." "They're both horrible." "Why do you lake their side all the time?" "[COUGHING]" "Sorry." "I don't." "What's that supposed to mean?" "What the hell are we doing here?" "I hope you're kidding." "Why do you argue with her?" "We'd have been out of here a long time ago if you didn't bicker over every word." "Would you rather I was a sheep like her husband?" "Do you think it was the cobbler?" "Of course it was." "A little warm Coke and 'bang.'" "[SNIFFING]" "Oh, fuck." "PENELOPE:" "You're always mitigating." "You're trying to reconcile everything." "MICHAEL:" "I am not." "You are." "You had a gang and you were the leader." "They can do whatever they want with their son." "Well, their son is a threat to homeland security." "Kid like that, when he's a menace to society, it's everybody's business." "And I can't believe that she barfed all over my books." "When you know that you're gonna toss your cookies, you hike some precautions." "AW." "The Foujite." "Now it's disgusting." "I was right on the edge with that toilet-ﬂushing shit." "Heh, heh." "You were incredible." "I held my own, right?" "Incredible." "Jamaica, Queens." "Now that was genius." "Little piece of shit." "What does he call her again?" "Doodle." "Heh-heh-heh." "Yeah, right." "Doodle." "Doodle." "Yeah, I call her Doodle." "Oh, I'm" "I'm sorry." "We didn't-- We didn't mean anything." "You know, it's" " It's, uh-- it's so easy to make fun of other people's pet names." "Michael, what do we call each other?" "I'm sure it's worse, right?" "You wanted the blow-dryer." "Thank you." "Thanks." "We call each other 'Darjeeling.' Like the tea." "[CHUCKLES]" "It's a lot more embarrassing if you ask me." "How is she feeling?" "Is she feeling better?" "Yeah, better." "Yeah, I" " I-- I reacted badly." "I'm ashamed." "I really am." "Here." "You know, I made a big deal about the catalogue, and I" " I don't even know why." "[BLOW-DRYER WHIRRING]" "You get so absurdly attached to these things and you don't even know why." "Pull it hut though." "But hold onto the other side." "I got it." "You gotta pull it because there's wrinkles on that." "The corners are wet." "I'll get the corners." "It's gonna tear." "He's right." "It's gonna tear." "Okay." "Well, here-- it's dry enough." "Okay." "Put cologne on those, and I'll finish this one." "So where does 'Doodle' come from?" "Sorry." "Yankee Doodle or Cheez Doodle or--?" "It's from a song from Guys and Dolls that goes, 'Doodle-oodle-oodle-oo.'" "Oh, yeah, yeah." "I know that one." "J' I love you a bushel and a peck You bet your pretty neck I do J'" "J' Doodle-oodle-oo-do Doodle-oodle-oo-do J'J'" "Ha-ha-ha." "Yeah." "Ours is from our honeymoon in India." "We called each other 'Darjeeling' instead of 'darling.'" "It's so stupid." "[BLOW-DRYER STOPS]" "Maybe I should check on her, huh?" "Yeah." "Yeah, you do that, Darjeeling." "PENELOPE:" "Oh, Nancy." "Hey." "Well, I was worried about you." "Are you feeling better?" "Yeah." "Better." "I think so." "ALAN:" "If you're not sure, stay away from the coffee table." "I left a towel in the bathtub." "I didn't know where to put it." "PENELOPE:" "Perfect." "You cleaned up." "I am so sorry." "Everything's fine." "All is well." "I'm sorry." "I wasn't there for you." "I was so focused on the Kokoschka." "NANCY:" "That's all right." "No." "I" "I behaved poorly." "NANCY:" "Please." "In the bathroom, I was thinking." "Yes?" "Yeah, maybe we" "Maybe we glossed over the, uh..." "The, uh..." "Well, I mean..." "What?" "What is it?" "Well, name-calling is a kind of abuse." "Sure." "It depends." "Right." "It depends." "Zachary has never been a violent child." "He must have had his reasons." "Like getting called a snitch." "[CELL PHONE VIBRATING]" "Excuse me." "Yeah, Walter." "WALTER:" "Alan, CNN has invited me for a panel discussion." "ALAN:" "Well, as long as there are no victims on the panel." "No victims." "I don't want you sitting down with victims." "Deny, deny. dell}!" "If we have to, we'll sue the Journal." "Well, we'll e-mail you the draft of the press release." "Walter, I'm sorry." "I goth go." "Call me a snitch, it gets a rise out of me." "Unless it's true." "ALAN:" "What?" "You know, if the shoe fits." "You think my son is a snitch?" "Come on." "I'm joking around." "So is yours anyway." "What do you mean, so is ours?" "He snitched on Zachary." "We coaxed it out of him." "We're getting completely off point." "Maybe you coaxed, but he did snitch on him." "Nancy." "NANCY: 'Nancy' what?" "You think my son is a snitch?" "I don't think anything." "Well, if you don't think anything, don't say anything." "Don't make insinuations." "PENELOPE:" "Nancy, there's no reason to lose our cool here." "Michael and I have gone out of our way to be fair-minded and conciliating." "Not so fair-minded." "Oh, really?" "Superficially fair-minded." "Doodle, I have to go." "NANCY:" "So go." "Coward." "Nancy, right now I'm in danger of losing my most important client." "This 'caring parent' crap and the bickering that goes along with it" "Yeah, well, my son lost two teeth." "Two incisors." "We got that, right." "One of them permanently." "He'll get new teeth." "Better ones." "No one chewed his ear off." "It was a mistake not to consider the source of the problem." "There is no source." "There's an 11-year-old kid who hits people with a stick!" "Armed with a stick." "We took that word out." "Took it out because we asked you to." "We took it out without argument." "A word which deliberately establishes intent without any hint of a misunderstanding, which excludes childhood." "I don't think I can stand this tone any more." "We're not quite on the same page, you and I, right from the start." "Mr. Cowan, it is incredibly frustrating to be continually upbraided for something that we, ourselves, admitted was a mistake." "The word 'armed' wasn't right." "We took it out." "Though, strictly speaking, it certainly applies." "Zachary was verbally abused and he reacted." "Now, if I'm attacked, I defend myself, especially when I'm all alone against a whole gang." "Well, you certainly perked up since you tossed your cookies." "Heh, heh." "Do you realize how crude that is?" "Look, we're all decent people, all four of us." "I don't know how we got carried away, losing our tempers." "This is totally unnecessary." "Michael, stop it." "Stop mitigating." "We're only superficially fair-minded." "Why should we be fair-minded at all?" "No." "No, I'm not gonna be led down that path." "ALAN:" "What path?" "The path these two little shits led us down." "Pen doesn't see things that way." "'Penelope.'" "Sorry." "So Ethan's a shit now." "That really hikes the cake." "Look, that's it." "I really have to leave now." "Yeah." "So do I." "Go." "Go." "I give up." "[PHONE RINGING]" "Hello." "MOTHER:" "It's me, Mikey." "Oh, hi, Ma." "Is this a bad time?" "No." "No, we got some friends over, but go ahead." "The surgeon told me to stop taking my medication before the operation." "MICHAEL:" "Yes." "Yes, you just do whatever the doctors tell you to do." "Yes." "The surgeon told me to stop all of them, but Dr. Perlstein said I could keep taking the Antril." "The what?" "The Antril." "Should I slop taking the Antril loo?" "MICHAEL:" "Antril?" "You're" " You're-- You're" " You're inking Antril?" "Wait, hold on a second, Ma." "Antril?" "That crap of yours is Antril?" "My mother's inking it." "Thousands of people hike it." "Mom." "You gotta stop taking that one right away." "You hear me?" "Right now." "Why?" "You just do what I tell you." "All right?" "I'm gonna explain later." "No." "Dr. Perlstein said I could keep taking the Antril." "Mom, you tell Dr. Perlstein that I said you can't hike it." "I won't touch it, Michael." "MICHAEL:" "Good." "Why red?" "So they can see me." "So who can see you?" "The cars." "They all drive like crazy." "Mom, that's ridiculous." "Okay." "Mom." "Mom." "Bup-bup-bup." "Mom." "I have to call you back." "I told you we have company." "Okay." "I love you." "I hope so." "Bye-bye." "Bye" "She got red crutches in case she gets hit by a truck, because she wanders out in the street at night." "They're giving her Antril for her blood pressure." "If she's inking it and she looks normal, I'll lake her deposition." "Didn't I have a scarf?" "You know, I don't like that attitude of yours." "If my mother shows even the slightest symptom, my name will be on the top of a class-action suit." "We'll have one anyway." "MICHAEL:" "Well, I should hope so." "PENELOPE:" "Doing the right thing is just futile." "Honesty is just stupidity." "It just weakens you." "You let your guard down." "Let's go, Nancy." "That's enough sermons and lectures for one day." "Yeah, go ahead." "But let me tell you this:" "Now that I know you two, I'm not surprised what's-his-name" "Zachary may have some behavioural issues." "[DOG BARKING]" "When you killed that hamster-- MICHAEL:" "Killed?" "Killed." "I killed the hamster?" "Yes." "You do everything you can to make us feel guilty." "You stake out the moral high ground as your own, but you, yourself, are a murderer." "MICHAEL:" "I definitely did not kill that hamster." "Worse." "Worse!" "You left it out there, trembling with fear in a hostile environment." "That poor critter was probably eaten by a dog or a rat." "PENELOPE:" "She's right." "What do you mean, 'she's right'?" "I mean, come on." "Michael." "It's horrible what must have happened to that poor animal." "MICHAEL:" "I thought the hamster would be happy." "I thought he'd go running around happy as a clam." "PENELOPE:" "Well, he didn't." "And you just left him there." "Because I can't touch those things, okay?" "I can't touch anything of that family." "Penny, you know that." "He's afraid of rodents." "Yes." "I have a fear of rodents." "And a fear of reptiles." "Anything down close to the ground." "That's it." "All right?" "What about you?" "How come you didn't go downstairs and get it?" "Because I didn't know." "Michael said this morning that the hamster ran away." "So I went right out the door, I went right down the block." "I mean, I went to the basement!" "Penelope." "It is completely unfair that all of a sudden" "I'm in the hot seat about this hamster that you had to tell them about." "That is a family issue that doesn't concern anybody but us." "It's got nothing to do with this situation." "I can't believe I'm being called a murderer in my own house." "What does your house have to do with tea in China?" "It's my house." "I opened the door." "The door is wide open in a spirit of reconciliation to a couple people who should be a little more grateful." "Keep right on stroking your own ego." "It's beautiful." "So you have no remorse?" "No." "I have no remorse." "That animal was disgusting, and I'm glad it's gone." "Michael, that's ridiculous." "What's ridiculous?" "What, have you lost your mind now too?" "Their son beats the shit out of Ethan, and you're in my face over a hamster?" "What you did was wrong." "You can't deny that." "I don't give a shit about the hamster!" "You're gonna when your daughter gets home!" "Bring her on." "I'm not gonna be told how to act by some 9-year-old brat." "I agree with him there 100 percent." "And see?" "It's pathetic." "Watch it, Penelope." "Watch it." "I've kept my shirt on till now, but you are pushing me over the line." "And Ethan?" "What about Ethan?" "Well, is he sad too?" "Ethan's got other things on his plate if you ask me." "Ethan wasn't attached to Nibbles." "Nibbles!" "What the hell kind of pussy-ass name is that anyway?" "So if you feel no remorse, why should our son?" "You know what?" "All this consultation and consideration shit," "I'm sick to death of it." "We were nice to you." "We bought tulips." "My wife dressed me up as a liberal, but the fact of the matter is" "I got no patience for this touchy-feely bullshit." "I am a short-tempered son of a bitch, okay?" "!" "We all are." "No, I'm sorry." "We are not." "We are not all short-tempered sons of bitches." "Not you, of course." "PENELOPE:" "No, not me." "Thank God." "No, not you, Darjeeling." "Not you." "You're so evolved." "You never go off half-cocked." "Why are you being so aggressive?" "I'm not, I'm being honest." "No, you are." "You're being aggressive." "Know what?" "You put this little bash together, and I let you recruit me" "You let me recruit you?" "Yes." "[SCOFFS]" "That is so disgusting." "No, it's not." "You're an advocate for civilized behaviour." "That's fine with me." "I'm an advocate for civilized behaviour, you bet I am." "At least somebody around here is." "But you think it's better to be a tempered son of a bitch?" "Nobody said that." "Nobody criticized you for that." "PENELOPE:" "You did." "We did not." "What was I supposed to do?" "Was I supposed to sue you?" "Was I supposed to never speak to you?" "Tear you apart through the insurance company?" "Stop it, Penny." "PENELOPE:" "Stop what?" "You're blowing this out of proportion!" "Well, I don't care." "You do everything you can to escape the pettiness" "[CELL PHONE VIBRATING] and you just end up humiliated and completely alone." "Yes." "Walter." "WALTER:" "It's out everywhere." "ALAN:" "Well, let them prove it." "Yeah, right." "ALAN:" "Let them prove it." "Without some kind of response" "ALAN:" "No way." "From where I sit, the best thing for us to do is nothing." "We're born alone and we die alone, that's it." "Who wants a little Scotch?" "ALAN:" "Walter, I'm in a meeting right now." "I'll call you when I get back." "Damn it." "I'm living with this totally negative person." "Who's negative?" "MICHAEL:" "Me." "This was the worst possible idea." "We should've never had this meeting." "I told you so." "Yeah." "PENELOPE:" "You told me so?" "You told me we should've never had this?" "I didn't think it was a good idea." "It was a good idea." "Oh, come on." "Who wants a little?" "You told me you didn't think this was a good idea?" "MICHAEL:" "As I recall." "As you recall." "Maybe just a little sip." "Don't you have to go?" "At this point of the game, I might as well have a little drink." "PENELOPE:" "You look me in the eye and you tell me that we didn't both agree on this." "Oh, God." "Calm down, Penelope." "This is going nowhere." "And who said not to touch the cobbler this morning, huh?" "Who said we should leave some for the Cowans?" "Who said that?" "That was very nice of you." "What does that have to do with anything?" "What do you mean?" "Guests are guests." "You're lying." "You're lying." "He's lying." "You know, my wife actually had to drag me here today." "When you grow up with a certain John Wayne idea of manhood, the impulse in this kind of situation is not to talk it through." "I thought the role model was Ivanhoe." "Same basic concept." "Another aspect." "PENELOPE:" "Another aspect." "Really?" "How much are you gonna humiliate yourself, Michael?" "I can see I dragged him here for nothing." "What did you expect, Doodle?" "That is a ridiculous nickname." "Some revelation about universal values?" "This Scotch is unbelievable." "Right?" "You see that?" "Eighteen years old, single malt, from a place in Scotland still grows their own barley." "What about the tulips, huh?" "Who got them?" "All I said was, 'It's too bad we didn't get any of those tulips this week.'" "I didn't say anything about going to Henry Street." "Don't get all bent out of shape over this." "Penelope, it's not worth it." "He got the tulips." "Him and only him." "What, we don't get a drink, huh?" "Penelope and I would like a drink too." "[SIGHS]" "[CHUCKLES]" "It's pretty funny when you think about it." "A devotee of Ivanhoe and John Wayne, but he's scared to pick up an itty-bitty mouse." "Stop it with the hamster." "Stop." "PENELOPE:" "She's right." "It's laughable." "NANCY:" "And hers?" "I don't think that'll be necessary." "PENELOPE:" "Pour me a drink, Michael." "No." "Michael." "MICHAEL:" "No." "NANCY:" "What is wrong with you, Michael?" "[GRUNTING]" "Fine." "Fine." "Drink." "Drink." "What does it matter?" "Is drinking bad for you or something?" "No, it's great for me." "[SOBBING]" "ALAN:" "Now I don't know." "Mr. Cowan?" "'Alan.'" "Alan." "You see, you and I didn't exactly hit it off, but I live with a man who has decided, once and for all, that life is synonymous with mediocrity." "You know, it's very hard to live with a man who's walled himself inside that idea, who doesn't wanna change anything, who doesn't get excited about anything." "What are you telling him this for?" "He could care less." "We have to believe." "We have to believe in some possible correction." "He's the last guy on earth you should be telling this to." "I'll talk to anybody I damn well please." "[PHONE RINGING]" "Who the fuck is that now?" "[RINGING]" "Hi, Ma." "MOTHER:" "Mikey, it's me again." "I forgot to ask how Ethan is." "He's fine." "He got his teeth knocked out, but he's fine." "Is he in pain?" "Yeah, he's in pain." "It hurls, but it'll pass." "Ma, I told you we have company." "I goth call you back, remember?" "Okay, Mikey." "Yeah." "Bye." "He's still in pain?" "No." "Then why do you worry your mother?" "He has to worry her." "He can't help himself." "All right, Penelope." "That's enough." "What is this drama-queen bullshit?" "ALAN:" "Penelope, nobody cares about anything outside himself." "Sure, we'd all like to believe in some possible correction, one we could author ourselves, completely free of selfish consideration." "Like your writing this book on Darfur." "No." "Which I think is great." "You know." "I understand how you might say," "'Okay, I'll pick a massacre." "History's full of them." "I'm gonna write a book.'" "Everybody has to save himself somehow." "I'm not writing this book to save myself." "You haven't read it." "You don't even know what's in it." "Whatever." "My God, that odour of Kronos is killing me." "Fucking reeks." "Well, you didn't exactly skimp." "I am so sorry." "PENELOPE:" "No, it was my fault." "I sprayed like a madwoman." "I don't know." "Why--?" "Why can't things be easier, you know?" "Why--?" "Why does everything have to be so exhausting?" "You think too much." "Women think too much." "There's an original response." "I don't know what that means, to think too much." "You know, I don't know how you can just go on living with absolutely no moral sense of the world." "Look at me, I'm living." "PENELOPE:" "Oh, Michael, shut up." "[MICHAEL CHUCKLING]" "Your miserable complicity just disgusts me." "What happened to your sense of humour?" "I don't have one and I don't want one." "If you ask me, the couple is the worst ordeal God has ever inﬂicted on us." "Marvellous." "The couple and the family." "No one's forcing you to air this out in front of us, Michael." "And I might add, it's a little indecent." "That doesn't bother him." "MICHAEL:" "You agree with me, don't you?" "Now, look, this is all beside the point." "Alan." "Say something." "He has a right to his ideas." "Doesn't mean he has to advertise them." "ALAN:" "Yeah, right." "Maybe." "We don't care about their marriage." "We're here about the kids." "We don't care about their marriage." "Yeah, except-- Except what?" "It's related." "MICHAEL:" "It's related." "Of course it's related." "Ethan getting teeth busted out is related to our marriage?" "MICHAEL:" "Of course it is." "Sorry, I don't follow you." "Look, take a step back and look at the situation we're in." "Children suck the life out of you and leave you old and empty." "That's the law of nature." "You see these young couples laughing all the way to the altar." "You think, 'They don't know." "Poor fuckers have no idea.'" "They're happy." "Nobody tells you about this stuff in the beginning." "I got this army buddy." "He's gonna have a kid with his new girlfriend." "I said to him, 'A kid?" "At our age?" "What, are you stupid?" "You got maybe 10, 15 good years left before you get cancer or have a stroke, and you're gonna saddle yourself with a kid?" "'" "That's not really what you think." "Yes, it is." "Of course it is." "I think even worse." "Yep." "You're debasing yourself, Michael." "Hal Is that right?" "Heh, heh." "Stop crying, Penelope." "It only makes it worse." "Here." "Oh, of course." "Of course." "It's excellent, isn't it?" "It's excellent." "Could I interest you in a cigar?" "No cigars in the house." "ALAN:" "Too bad." "NANCY:" "Were you gonna smoke a cigar now, Alan?" "I do what I want, Nancy." "If I wanna smoke a cigar, I smoke a cigar." "I won't smoke it because I don't wanna upset Penelope, who's already on edge, to put it mildly." "Oh, quit snifﬂing like that." "She's right." "You know, when women cry, men are pushed to a breaking point." "Although, unfortunately, I must say, Michael's point of view is completely justified." "[CELL PHONE VIBRATING]" "Yeah." "DENNIS:" "Yeah, can I reed it to you?" "Yeah, sure." "Go ahead." "[DENNIS SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]" "Yeah, put 'New York' and a specific time of day." "It's unbearable." "What time of day?" "The time you send it." "It has to be hot off the press." "Not 'questions.' 'Deplores.' 'Questions' is wishy-washy." "I live with this night and day." "One second." "NANCY:" "Our lives are chopped up by the cell phone." "Nancy, this is very important." "It's always more important." "ALAN:" "Go ahead." "What's happening somewhere else is always more important." "ALAN:" "No." "No, not 'strategy?" "'Scheme.'" "'A scheme surfacing two weeks from the company's posting,' et etcetera, et etcetera." "In the street." "Heh, heh." "The dinner table." "Everywhere." "ALAN:" "Mm." "And 'study' in quotes." "Put the word 'study' in quotes." "I don't even protest any more." "Ha, ha." "Unconditional surrender." "I feel like I'm gonna vomit again." "Where's that bucket?" "How am I supposed to know?" "Well, then just quote me." "You know: 'This is a barefaced attempt'..." "Can you stand over the bucket, please?" "I " "I mean, we're already set up to handle this now." "'--According to TW Pharma attorney Alan Cowan.'" "Okay, I'll make these corrections and put it out them." "AP, Reuters, newspapers, trade journals." "You know, the whole she-bang." "[CELL PHONE BEEPS]" "What's wrong?" "She's gonna throw up again." "NANCY:" "You're so caring." "It's touching." "Well, I'm worried." "I didn't get that." "My mistake." "Oh, come on, Nancy, will you?" "You and I don't have to do this." "Their marriage is going downhill." "We don't have to try to compete." "What gives you the right to say our marriage is going downhill?" "What gives you the right?" "[CELL PHONE VIBRATING]" "Yeah." "Walter." "WALTER:" "Is the press release ready?" "Yeah, I just had it read back to me." "They'll send it over to you." "Did you say this is an attempt to--?" "Manipulation." "Manipulation of the stock price." "Listen, Walter, I'll call you back in a minute." "Yeah." "I didn't say it." "Steven did." "'Michael.'" "[LAUGHING]" "I will not let you judge our family." "Michael." "Sorry." "Don't judge our son either." "That's different." "Your son brutalized our son." "They're young." "They're kids." "Kids rough-house in the playground." "Always have, always will." "It's a rule of nature." "No, it isn't." "ALAN:" "Sure it is." "It lakes a little education to substitute the rule of law for violence." "The origin of law, as you of course know, is brute force." "Maybe if you're a caveman, but not in this world." "Tell me about this world." "You're boring." "This whole conversation is boring." "Penelope, I believe in the god of carnage, the god whose rule's been unchallenged since time immemorial." "You're interested in Africa, right?" "[NANCY GROANING]" "What's the matter?" "Don't worry about me." "Nancy." "I'm just fine." "All right." "See, I just got back from the Congo." "They got kids there trained to kill at the age of 8." "In the course of their childhood, they might kill hundreds of people." "They kill with a machete, a shotgun, a Kalash, a thumper." "So obviously, when my kid busts some other kid's tooth, even two teeth with a bamboo switch by the sandbox," "I'm not quite as shocked and indignant as you are." "Well, you should be." "Thumper." "What they call a grenade launcher." "That's what I called it." "You all right?" "I'm just fine." "What's wrong with her?" "What's the matter?" "Bile." "It's nothing." "Don't you tell me about Africa." "I know all about suffering in Africa." "I don't doubt it." "That's all I've been thinking about for months." "Don't get her started on this, please." "[GRUNTING]" "You know, I'm actually starting to like you." "Shut up." "Talk about commitment to world peace and stability." "Shut the fuck up, Michael." "MICHAEL:" "Are you sure about that?" "Very sure." "This will do me some good." "We live in New York." "We don't live in Kinshasa." "We live in New York City, and with the customs of Western society." "So, what happens at the Brooklyn Bridge playground, that has to do with Western values, to which, whether you like it or not, I happen to subscribe to." "Beating your husband must be one of those customs then." "I'm warning you, Michael!" "She was all over you like a bad rash." "If I were you, it would melt my heart." "He's making fun of you." "Do you believe it?" "Heh." "I could care less." "No, really." "Morally, you're supposed to overcome your impulses, but there are times you don't wanna overcome them." "I mean, who wants to say a Hail Mary when you're having sex?" "Can you buy this Scotch around here?" "No, this one, not very likely." "No." "[LAUGHS]" "Thumper." "Ha-ha-ha." "Heh." "Thumper." "Really." "Yeah, Thumper." "MICHAEL:" "That's what it's called." "[CHUCKLES]" "Why don't you just say 'grenade launcher'?" "Because that's a term." "It's just like they say 'Kalash' and not 'Kalashnikov' or 'AK-47.'" "Who is 'they'?" "That's enough, Nancy." "That's enough." "Hotshot firebrands like my husband, you goth understand, it's hard for them to get excited about what happens down the block." "Exactly." "I don't see why." "I don't see why." "We're all citizens of the world." "I don't see why we can't have some sense of community." "Ugh." "Penelope." "Enough with the highfalutin claptrap." "[CELL PHONE VIBRATING]" "I'm gonna kill him." "Yeah." "DENNIS:" "There': a problem with 'barefaced. '" "ALAN:" "Well, hike out 'barefaced.' She's right." "It's unbearable after a while." "A brazen attempt to-- Manipulate the stock price." "There you go." "Did he sign off on the rest?" "Yeah." "Mm?" "That's fine." "Good." "What were we talking about?" "Thumpers?" "We were saying that, despite what my husband thinks, whether it happens here or on the other side of the world, we all have to be collectively concerned." "'Collectively concerned.'" "Nancy, it's absurd to drink in your condition." "What condition?" "I'm perfect." "Now, that's an interesting idea." "[CELL PHONE VIBRATING]" "Yeah." "No." "No interviews before we get this release out." "Mr. Cowan, can you please put an end to this nerve-racking conversation?" "Just remind him the stockholders won't give a shit." "The stockholders won't" " Nancy." "Are you out of your fucking mind?" "Hello!" "What': going on?" "There." "ALAN:" "Shit!" "Ha." "Way to go!" "Ha-ha-ha!" "Oh, my God." "[LAUGHING]" "The blow-dryer." "The blow-dryer." "You should be put in a home, dear." "I got everything in there." "I got everything in there." "It was brand-new." "I spent hours setting this up." "I can't believe you did that." "That was a really irresponsible thing to do." "I got everything in there." "My whole life was in there." "[BOTH LAUGHING]" "His whole life." "Here." "I wanna get the SIM card and the battery out." "How do you do that?" "I just got it." "I don't know." "Let me see." "Let me see." "It's stuck." "[BOTH LAUGHING]" "They think it's funny." "They think it's funny!" "Penelope." "Penelope." "This is not funny." "My husband has spent the entire afternoon drying things." "No, no." "This way." "[LAUGHING CONTINUES]" "Forget it." "It's over." "You goth wait." "Forget it." "It's over." "[LAUGHING]" "You wanna use the phone?" "I must say..." "What must you say, Michael?" "No." "I don't even know what to say." "I'd say it feels better like this." "I'd say it feels better like this." "Wouldn't you?" "[LAUGHING]" "Men get so attached to their toys." "It diminishes them." "They lose their credibility." "Oh, God." "Ha-ha-ha." "I dated this guy once, and then I saw him carrying this bag, this rectangular bag with a shoulder strap." "It's a man's bag with a shoulder strap." "It was over." "A bag with a shoulder strap, that's the worst." "But the cell phone always at his fingertips, that's the worst too." "Men should have both hands free." "They should have both hands free." "I've got a John Wayne idea of manhood too." "What was it he had?" "A Colt .45." "Something that empties a room." "Any man that doesn't give off those loner vibes just doesn't come off as having any substance." "Oh." "So, Michael, Michael." "I guess you're happy now, huh?" "Our little touchy-feely, whatever you said, is coming apart at the seams." "But, hey, you know what?" "This almost feels good, in my opinion." "In my opinion, some people can handle their liquor better than others." "NANCY:" "I'm as normal as can be." "Yeah, right." "Yeah." "I'm beginning to see things with a pleasant serenity." "Heh." "That's good." "A pleasant serenity." "I don't know why you're wasting yourself out in the open, Darjeeling." "PENELOPE:" "Shut the hell up." "Here." "Alan." "Relax." "PENELOPE:" "No cigars in the house." "You got your Hoyo de Monterro." "You got your Partagas D, number 4." "You got your Hoyo Coronacion." "Where did you get these?" "Heh." "You don't wanna know." "Seriously." "MICHAEL:" "The Spanish connection." "My cookware guy is going out with a ﬂight attendant." "She brings home, like, two boxes a week." "You can't smoke in a house with an asthmatic child." "And why are you telling him your whole life story?" "Who has asthma?" "PENELOPE:" "Our son." "We had a goddamn hamster, didn't we?" "NANCY:" "Oh, that's true." "Pets aren't good when you're asthmatic." "MICHAEL:" "No." "Not good at all." "Even goldfish aren't necessarily recommended." "Do I have to listen to this crap?" "I guess I'm the only one that doesn't see things with a pleasant serenity." "Heh." "The truth is..." "I've never been so unhappy." "This is the unhappiest day of my life." "MICHAEL:" "You're an unhappy drunk." "PENELOPE:" "Michael, every word out of your mouth just slays me." "I don't get drunk." "I had a couple of sips of your shitty 18-year-old single malt that you trot out like it's the 18th Wonder of the World." "I don't get drunk." "I wish I could." "Believe me, I wish I could." "I wish I could just drown every last sorrow in a good, stiff drink." "[NANCY CHUCKLES]" "My husband is unhappy too." "Aw." "Look at him all hunched over like he was left on the side of the road." "I think this is the unhappiest day of his life too." "It is." "I'm sorry, Doodle." "[PHONE RINGING]" "Hello." "[RINGING CONTINUES]" "Hello." "MOTHER:" "Mikey." "Mom." "I told you we have company." "You remember?" "Why do you want me to stop taking my Antril?" "Because it's medication that can kill you." "It's poison." "It is not." "MICHAEL:" "Now, Mom, Mom." "There's someone here who can explain." "Here." "Tell her." "Tell her what?" "Tell her what you know about that poisonous shit of yours." "What can he tell her?" "He doesn't know anything." "Hello, ma'am." "How are you?" "I'm all right for now." "Mm-hm." "They want to take me off my Antril." "Oh." "My operation is a week away." "Yeah." "Are you in pain?" "I can't be on my feet, doctor." "Yeah." "Well, the operation will fix that." "[MOTHER SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]" "Oh, the other leg too, huh?" "Are you an orthopedist?" "No, I'm not an orthopedist." "She keeps calling me 'doctor.'" "NANCY:" "Heh." "Doctor." "What a laugh." "Hang up." "Hello." "Yeah." "What about my Antril?" "Well, do you have any balance issues?" "No..." "Uh-huh." "Yeah." "Will it kill me?" "No, of course not." "Not at all." "It can't kill you." "Don't listen to what people say." "Still, yeah, it might be a good idea not to hike it for a while." "For how long?" "Just until this operation is behind you." "They're gonna ruin me." "If you could see me, you'd be surprised how well-preserved I am." "Yeah, sounds like you're in excellent shape." "All right." "You got that, Ma?" "You stop taking that medication." "Just do as you're told!" "Okay, okay." "All right?" "I love you." "Love you too." "MICHAEL:" "I can't hike her any more." "The shit I put up with." "All right." "Should we wrap this up?" "Should I come back here tonight with Zachary?" "Let's decide." "This is getting to be, like, who cares?" "That is what we're here for after all." "PENELOPE:" "Now I'm gonna be sick." "Where's that bucket?" "That's enough." "That's enough." "That's enough Oh, pfft!" "I'd say both sides share the blame." "So..." "There you are." "Both sides share the blame." "Are you serious?" "Excuse me?" "That's what you really think?" "It's what I think, yes." "My son, Ethan, who had to take two codeine at 3 in the morning, he shares the blame?" "He's not necessarily innocent." "Get out of my house." "You get the fuck out." "Get the fuck out of my house!" "My bag!" "My bag!" "My" "Alan." "MICHAEL:" "What is going on here?" "They've totally lost it." "Alan!" "Do something." "'Alan, do something.' Shut your mouth." "She broke my make-up mirror and my perfume." "Stand up for me." "Why don't you stand up for me?" "Let's go, Nancy." "It's not like I'm strangling her." "What did I do to you?" "The blame is not shared." "The victim and the criminal are not the same." "The criminal?" "MICHAEL:" "Give it a fucking rest, Penelope." "Enough with this politically correct bullshit!" "Which I believe in." "That you believe." "You believe." "This crush you got on these Sudan sambos is spilling over into everything now!" "I'm horrified." "How could you be so openly despicable?" "Because I feel like it." "I feel like being openly despicable." "One day you will understand the sheer horror of what's happening in that part of the world and you will be ashamed of your contemptibly nihilistic attitude." "Yes, Darjeeling, you're so wonderful." "You're the best and the brightest." "Yes, I am!" "Yes, I am!" "Let's get out of here, Alan." "These people are monsters." "Stop it, Nancy." "No, no." "No." "I wanna drink some more." "I wanna get drunk off my ass." "This bitch throws my bag against the ceiling, nobody lifts a finger." "I wanna be blind drunk." "You're drunk enough." "How can you let her call our son a criminal?" "We come over here to work things out with them, and they insult us, they browbeat us, they lecture us about being good citizens of the planet." "I am glad our son kicked the shit out of your son, and I wipe my ass with your human rights!" "Wow." "Heh-heh-heh." "Get a couple of drinks in her and, bam, her true self comes out." "What happened to that gracious, demure woman with the soft eyes?" "I told you." "I told you!" "What did you tell him?" "That she's a fake." "That woman is totally fake." "I'm sorry." "When did you say that?" "When you were drying your pants." "You'd known her 15 minutes, and you already knew she was fake?" "Yeah." "Well, I pick up on these things pretty quickly." "She does." "PENELOPE:" "I got a nose for them." "Fake." "What does that mean?" "I, uh" "I don't wanna listen to this." "Why do you put me through this, Alan?" "Relax, Nancy." "She's a phony." "She doesn't care any more than you do." "It's true." "That's true." "It's true." "He said it's true." "They don't give a shit." "It's so obvious right from the beginning." "They don't give a shit." "She doesn't give a shit either." "It's true." "Like you do?" "Well" "No, let him talk, honey." "Explain to me, Michael, exactly how you care." "What does that mean anyway?" "You're more credible when you're being openly despicable." "Truth is, nobody here cares, except maybe Penelope." "One must acknowledge her integrity." "I don't need your acknowledgement." "I don't need your acknowledgement!" "But I do care." "I really do care." "Yes, Doodle, we care in a hysterical way." "Not like heroic figures of a social movement." "I saw your friend Jane Fonda on TV the other day." "Made me wanna run out and buy a Ku Klux Klan poster." "Heh-heh-heh." "PENELOPE:" "My friend Jane Fonda?" "What does that mean?" "What the hell does that mean?" "You're the same breed, the same kind of involved, problem-solver woman." "Those are not the women we like." "The women we like are sensual, crazy, shot full of hormones." "The gatekeepers of the world, the ones who wanna show off how perceptive they are?" "Huge turn-off." "Even poor Michael, your own husband, is turned off." "Don't you speak for me." "We don't give a shit what women you like." "Where do you get off just spouting these opinions?" "You are the one man whose opinion we don't give a shit about!" "She's screaming." "Heh, heh." "Quartermaster on a slave ship." "She doesn't scream?" "She didn't just scream that your little asshole was right to beat up ours?" "He was right." "At least our kid isn't a little wimpy-ass faggot." "Yours is a fucking snitch!" "Let's go, Alan." "Why are we still in this house?" "PENELOPE:" "Exactly." "Here." "This is what I think of your stupid tulips!" "Your hideous ﬂowers." "This is the worst day of my life too." "[BURPS]" "[CELL PHONE VIBRATING]" "[VIBRATING]" "["11" "[KIDS CHATTERING]"