"* Men. *" "And how are you this morning, Danny?" "Well, I didn't sleep very well last night, Alan." "I had nightmares." "Nightmares." "Nightmares." "I dreamed I ate a five-pound marshmallow." "A five-pound marshmallow?" "Yeah, and when I woke up, my pillow was gone." "Pillow was gone." "Pillow." "T-Tillow." "Pil... tillow." "Pftil..." "Alan?" "Yeah?" "You're starting to scare the crap out of me." "Oh, oh, this?" "This is, uh, just a new hobby." "Charlie, say hello to Danny O'Day." "Howdy-do, Charlie." "That's not a hobby." "That's a cry for help." "Oh, come on, Charlie, play along." "So, Charlie, how did you sleep last night?" "With a woman, Alan." "Something you need to do before this gets out of hand." "Wow." "He's got a stick where I've got your hand." "Did you ask him if he wants to go to the movies with us?" "No." "Why not?" "Because he's a ticking time bomb and we don't want to be in the car with him when he goes off." "Come on, he's breaking my heart." "Staying home all alone on a Friday night." "Don't worry." "You know how they say you can be alone but not lonely?" "Yeah." "Well, Alan's kind of the opposite." "He's always lonely but he's never alone." "He's going through a tough time." "Your brother should be surrounded by friends and family." "My brother should be surrounded by a SWAT team." "Please?" "For me?" "Chelsea, we agreed that you only get one of those a month." "Are you sure you want to waste it on Alan?" "Thanks for letting me tag along with you." "This is really sweet." "We're thrilled you could join us." "Right, Charlie?" "Yippee skippy." "So have we picked a movie yet?" "Nope." "Would you like to see" "La Poubelle et le Fromage at the Nuart?" "Would I?" "Who you calling "wood eye"?" "Big ears." "Now, Danny, watch your mouth." "Why?" "Yours is the one that's moving." "(Chelsea and Alan laugh)" "Yippee skippy." "♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪" "♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪ ♪ Ooh" "♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men ♪ ♪ Ooh ♪ Ooh" "♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... ♪" "♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪" "♪ Ooh ♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪" "♪ Ah." "♪ Men." "♪ Men." "(woman and man speaking French on movie screen)" "If she goes back to him after what he's done," "I will never forgive her." "She loves him." "What choice does she have?" "Oh, she can return to her husband, the cheese maker." "Listen, I'm going to hit the head." "Let me know if any kind of a plot ever kicks in." "He's not coming back, is he?" "They sell beer in the lobby?" "Yes." "No." "(mimics rooster call)" "You're up early for a Saturday morning." "Hence the cock-a-doodle-doo." "(knocking) ALAN:" "Chelsea, it's 7:30." "We got to get a move on." "Oh, God, that's right." "I forgot." "Give me a few minutes to get dressed." "No problem." "I'll wait for you downstairs." "What's going on?" "Your brother and I are going to the farmers market." "Since when?" "We made plans last night." "Last night when?" "In the movie theater, while you were sitting in the lobby drinking." "Well, I wasn't going to go sit in the car with that scary dummy." "I like mustard, and pickles, and ketchup, and mayonnaise." "Mayonnaise." "Mayonnaise." "You and me need to talk." "Howdy-do, Charlie." "Get that ugly thing out of my face." "That's what she said." "Oh, Danny." "Danny, you're horrible." "My hand to God, Alan," "I will wrap that dummy with meat and throw him in the ocean." "Don't forget the mayonnaise." "Ow!" "I'm okay." "Why are you taking Chelsea to that farmers thing?" "Is there a problem?" "Yeah, there's a problem!" "You're ruining my Saturday." "I'm sorry." "Did you have plans for the day?" "Damn right I had plans." "First, I was going to have sex with Chelsea." "And then..." "Well, then I was going to go back to sleep." "Well, you can still go back to sleep." "Yeah, but without sex, it's a restless sleep." "Fine, fine, I'll just go by myself." "No, no, if you go without her now, then I'm the bad guy." "So what do you want me to do?" "In the future, I want you to try to be more sensitive and considerate to other people's needs." "Okay." "Thank you." "Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to join Chelsea in the shower and try to knock out a quick one." "Oh, Danny..." "Sometimes he can be such a pig." "Well, you know what happens to pigs." "They get slaught..." "Danny, don't say it." "Don't even think it." "...ered." "* Men. *" "(sportscast playing on TV)" "What are you looking at?" "Nothin'." "Oh, hey!" "Hey." "What are you doing here?" "I thought you were spending the weekend with your mom and Herb." "Yeah, I was supposed to, but Mom's got all those pregnancy hormones going." "What did you do?" "One little fat joke." "Took it badly, eh?" "Well, here I am." "Where's Dad?" "He went out with Chelsea." "You mean like a date?" "No, no, not a date." "Good, 'cause that'd be weird." "Yeah." "I saw something like that on Jerry Springer once." "Two brothers, one girl-- it got ugly." "I'm sure it did." "So what's Dad's dummy doing here?" "He pissed off his mother." "Oh." "Hey, I did that, too." "* Men. *" "Okay, please take this kettle corn away from me." "I can feel it going right to my behind." "Oh, stop it." "I wish my tush was as small as yours." "Okay, first of all, you have a perfect heinie." "And secondly, if you're worried about firmness, the secret is isometric glute crunches." "Really?" "Yeah, you can do them anywhere, anytime." "I'm doing them right now." "See?" "Mailbox open, mailbox closed." "Mailbox open, mailbox closed." "Come on, try it with me." "BOTH:" "Mailbox open, mailbox closed." "Mailbox open, mailbox closed." "Mailbox open, mailbox..." "You know, just once I'd like to walk in this room and not be freaked out." "Alan was just showing me his butt exercises." "Have him show you the one where he sticks his head up there." "That's my favorite." "Stop it." "Now, go away, we're making dinner." "It's kind of like a Kegel exercise, isn't it?" "Exactly." "Except with the tush, not the hoo-ha." "What up, homes?" "What are you doing?" "Enjoying the sunset, waiting on dinner." "You're staying for dinner?" "I wasn't gonna, but your lovely fianc?" "and her new gal pal insisted." "Yeah, I've got to put a stop to that." "What are you, nuts?" "This is the perfect setup for you." "How do you figure?" "Do you like to go shopping?" "No." "Zippy does." "Do you like to watch chick flicks?" "No." "Zippy does." "Do you like to talk for hours about your feelings?" "No." "Zippy do." "Oh, right." "He digs the trench, you lay the pipe." "How could I not see this?" "Alan's not the competition." "He's her gay friend." "There you go." "Your life is perfect." "It is, isn't it?" "Yeah." "Now, be an angel and get me another beer." "Absolutely." "(door opens)" "(door closes)" "Jiminy, I'm drunk." "* Men. *" "(TV playing)" "Oh, I hate to do this to you." "Uh, but using the existing "S" in the top row, with R-E before it and I-Z-I-N-G after it, hitting two triple word scores, and it's a bingo." ""Resizing."" "120 points." "Oh, my God." "You play for blood, don't you?" "Let me tell you something, Chelsea." "When it comes to Scrabble, nice guys finish with a rack full of tiles." "(turns off TV)" "(yawns)" "CHELSEA:" "What do you mean it's not a word?" "ALAN:" "I mean it's not a word." "Try again." "Hmm." "Charlie horny." "Another glass of wine?" "I would love one." "(giggles) Now?" "But Alan and I are playing Scrabble." "(chuckling):" "Well, I'm playing Scrabble." "I don't know whatshe'sdoing." "I'm improving, is what I'm doing." "I want a rematch." "Good night, Alan." "But I just poured wine." "Oh, thanks." "And thanks for being such a good friend to Chelsea." "You don't have to thank me." "I like her, and we've got a lot in common." "Yeah, whatever-- just keep it up, and I'll try to do the same." "Kind of ruined the night." "He's using you." "(chuckling)" "I know, but what am I going to do?" "You could... kill him." "Now, Danny, I-I could never do that." "Don't worry, Alan." "I can do it for you." "Morning." "Morning." "Hope you're hungry-- I made pancakes." "Oh, I'm starving." "Can I help?" "Uh, sure, slice up some bananas and warm up the syrup." "I'm on it." "Sleep well?" "Yeah." "I mean, when your brother finally let me go to sleep." "(forced chuckling)" "Can I tell you a little secret?" "Sure." "He's the best lover I've ever had." "Oh, isn't that nice." "Yeah, it's great, but sometimes he doesn't know when to quit." "Have you tried pepper spray?" "No." "But every once in a while, I actually have to give him a little smack on the top of his head." "Yeah, I have the same problem with Jake when he eats spaghetti." "I mean, obviously not the same problem." "Jake's head is usually over here." "Don't get me wrong." "I'm not complaining, but it can be exhausting." "I can imagine." "Have you given Charlie enough attaboys?" "Attaboys?" "You know, like when you're training a dog." "If you don't give them a lot of hugs and a treat every now and then, they're gonna chew up your rug." "I mean, not your rug." "Hey, how are those bananas coming?" "Morning." "Morning." "How'd you sleep?" "Good." "When you finally let me." "Hush." "Alan's making pancakes." "Can I pour you some coffee?" "I would love that." "Good morning, Mrs. Butterworth." "(forced chuckling)" "Ooh." "Lakers-Spurs today." "Charlie, you promised we'd go to the Van Gogh exhibit." "I did?" "Yes." "Wow, I don't remember that." "You got to quit hitting me on the head so much." "Yeah, I have heard that exhibit is supposed to be terrific." "I've been dying to see it." "Really?" "Then why don't we all go?" "I can't." "I promised Jake we'd do something." "Bring him along." "What 14-year-old boy doesn't love a fine art museum?" "I think that's a great idea, Alan." "You and Jake come with us." "Well, if you don't think we'd be intruding." "No." "No, not at all." "Okay, great." "Well, save me some pancakes." "I'm going to jump in the shower and get ready." "Hurry!" "I want to get to the museum before it's too crowded." "All right, here's the deal." "You're gonna have to go to the museum without me." "Why?" "I am about to get an acute case of intestinal distress." "What?" "You know... the flapjack two-step." "But there's nothing wrong with my pancakes." "No, they're delightful." "But the Lakers are playing the Spurs, and I'm not gonna miss it." "So what?" "So you're just gonna use me to entertain your fianc?" "while you stay home and watch a basketball game?" "Good." "We're on the same page." "Hey, did you ever stop to think that maybe I've got plans of my own?" "That I've got a life?" "That I'm not always at your beck and call?" "No." "* Men. *" "(sportscast playing)" "You know, Berta, I thought when Alan moved in here I was being punished." "You and me both." "But come to find out, it was a blessing." "With him in my life, I think" "I can actually make my relationship with Chelsea work." "So you're really gonna go through with this marriage?" "Absolutely." "I'm ready for the whole shebang." "Kids, too?" "Well, it's certainly in the cards." "Of course, I'd have to talk it over with Chelsea and Alan first." "Wow, marriage and kids." "I can't believe what I'm hearing." "What can I say, Berta?" "He c me." "(chuckles)" "* Men. *" "(cell phone chimes)" "One second." "(laughs)" "He's hilarious." "Who?" "Your brother." "L-O-L." "(cell phone chimes)" "Let me just tell him we'll talk tomorrow." "(laughing)" "He is out of control." "What now?" "Hang on." ""Don't let him chew up the rug."" "What does that mean?" "Nothing." "Why would I chew up a rug?" "Not a rug, my..." "never mind." "Okay, where were we?" "We were just about... (cell phone chimes)" "I'm sure he just wants to say "good night."" "(cell phone chimes)" "(cell phone chimes)" "(cell phone chimes)" "I'm sorry." "Let me just make sure he's okay." "Is he okay?" "Yeah." "Good, good." "Hey, I'm thirsty." "Are you thirsty?" "No." "Be right back." "Hurry." "Don't worry." "This won't take but a minute." "Oh, Charlie..." "Your penis is no match for my technology." "Okay." "I know what you're doing, now quit it." "What I'm doing?" "Whatever do you mean?" "You're text-blocking me." "Hey, I can't help it if Chelsea finds me witty and urbane." "Keep it up and she's going to find you bloody and homeless." "You don't scare me, Charlie." "You need me to keep Chelsea off your back." "That may be true, but I don't need him!" "Wait, just let him go, Charlie." "This is just between you and me." "Not anymore." "Don't you dare hurt him!" "Well, now, that's entirely up to you." "His tiny, wooden head is in your hands." "Charlie?" "ALAN:" "Danny!" "(thudding)" "ALAN:" "Just let him go!" "CHARLIE:" "No!" "Charlie?" "(both grunting)" "What the hell are you doing?" "Nothing." "Nothing." "Nothing." "CHELSEA:" "You should be ashamed of yourself!" "That's no way for a grown man to behave!" "CHARLIE:" "He started it!" "CHELSEA:" "I don't care who started it!" "You're the older brother." "You set the example." "Really?" "Then maybe I should move out..." "Boy, they're really going at it." "Yeah." "I'm glad we never fight." "Me, too, Danny." "'Cause you don't ever want to make me angry." "I-I-I know, Danny." "Seriously." "Thanks to YYeTs.net for transcripts"