"I'm 18, and I've been raped." "My only thought is that I want to escape from my body." "I don't want to be there." "I don't want it to have happened." "25 years later and I don't remember much." "I don't remember the police interview." "Nor the trial." "I've never talked to my parents about the rape." "But it's always present, nonetheless." "Do you want a sweater?" "What did you say?" "Do you want a sweater too?" "There's one behind Dad." "There's an echo in here." "Brush 'em, brush 'em, brush 'em...!" "Toothbrush all the way!" "Bye-bye, Malte." "Close...!" "You want me to close the door?" "Bye, Mum!" "You can't come in." "Bye!" "Naughty little kitty!" "She can come with us downstairs." "Maybe she wants to go outside." "Most people feel:" ""You need to get on with life."" ""You'll always have to live with the memory of the rape."" ""You'll never be free of it."" "But I want to be" " I want to be free." "Come and sit down, or are you going to stand there?" "We never talk." "You're kidding!" "We don't." ""Have we met before?"" "But do you think we talk?" "We don't have as much time for each other anymore." "That happens, with children around." "That has changed us." "When you get home in the evening you're tired. "Time for bed..."" "Or you put Malte to bed and then go to sleep." "So when can we talk?" "I'll try..." "It's not true that we never talk." "Maybe not "never"..." "You talk all the time." "Non-stop." "Do you think it's affected our relationship at all?" "What I can point out is that you're sensitive to certain forms of contact, sexual contact." "And that's connected to all that, I believe." "You've said so, too." "That's the only thing I feel the only thing that's really concretely apparent." "It's that your body has been desecrated, in a sense." "And now there's a lot of taboo attached to it all." "And I feel angry with him of course, due to that." "Because he harmed you like that." "It's a goddamned shame." "But I don't really know how to go about healing all of it." "I'm starting to talk about it now, as I feel somewhat restricted." "I don't think you can approach it by talking." "I think action is needed." "In bed or what?" "Just..." "Quite simply..." "You are funny." "Just let go." "That's not possible." "Okay, if it's not possible." "How am I to let go?" "Just do it!" "If you've drawn the line there, just say to yourself: "I'm crossing the line!"" ""I'll do what I'm not supposed to!"" "But I get so scared." "I feel so..." "How can we get there otherwise?" "Isn't there a way to do it?" "Eh?" "Your solution for us is..." ""Try it." "And it'll sort itself..."" " Does that sound silly?" " Mm." ""We're not going to come to grips with what's really the central issue." "Oh, no!"" ""No." "Because you don't want to deal with it." "There's a lid on that."" "That's what you're saying. "The most sensitive issue, we're not..."" ""We're not going to touch that."" "I think most people..." "they don't want those images." "I don't want them either." "But they're there inside my head, all the time." "If only I could switch them off." "I'd like to be free of them- empty." "And I'd like something else to take their place." "Aziza is one of my best friends." "I trust her completely." "I like her a lot." "You know that I was raped." "Can you tell me what you know about the rape?" "I hardly know anything." "You haven't really told me about it." "You've just mentioned fragments." "I've tried to ask you "Ewa, tell me more about it!" But you don't." "I feel that people won't like me if I tell them, which is nuts." "I feel that people get angry with me when I can't face telling them." "I'm not angry with you because of what you suffered." "You have to see that!" "Don't get that confused in your head." "I'll try and..." "I want to know..." "You want to make this film to find answers." "I don't think you'll get any answers, by doing that." "There are individual fates, and you're now associated with a person who took their problems out on you." "Surely you don't think you're to blame." "Do you?" "A lot of things could've been easier." "Maybe I could have got away from it all." "Do you feel guilty for what happened?" "Feel guilty?" "No, I feel... that I could have maybe stopped him sooner." "How can I explain...?" "Yes, but..." "If I had just run away, or..." "I'm always on the move, always seem to be going somewhere." "So no one can catch up with me." "And also so I have no time to think." "My mother burnt the court's verdict before I'd had a chance to read it." "She told me later she'd had it hidden in her bedside table, without my knowing." "The public road ends here." "Park to the right or left." "I'll pull over here..." "Ewa's dad often painted here." "I'd bike over with coffee." "We'd have some coffee, then I'd bike home again." "I've suppressed so much..." "You've said that this man went with you up the stairwell." "You were to have tea or..." "He suddenly turns violent and gets hold of some scissors and threatens you." "He uses them to cut up your clothes up, and then goes through with it, I guess." "I don't know if he then proceeds with the rape, but he must have." "But why do you think we've never talked about it?" "I just don't know." "Perhaps I felt I was protecting you, if it was never mentioned." "We wouldn't want to stir up those feelings." "And after it happened I also felt that your life had been permanently destroyed that you'd never trust a man, after being so terribly mistreated." "I figured..." "I hoped it would fade away." "It's so degrading for a woman, to be so..." "One of the greatest experiences in life is to be together with another person." "Eventually there was a trial." "Two trials, wasn't it?" "I wonder why I wasn't there at the first trial." "I can't think why." "I've wondered, too." "Why was I on my own there?" "It's incomprehensible." "I just don't understand..." "I cleaned the stairs in these large yellow buildings here." "One, two, three, four, five..." "all these buildings." "I cleaned all the stairwells in them." "I'd been doing that all morning the day it happened." "I got off the bus here." "Then I went down that street." "I lived on the top floor there." "There's the flat." "Hi." "Hi!" "Hello, I'm Ewa Cederstam." "I'm searching for the court verdict." "Right." "Enter first name there, and then the charge." "It could be "rape" or "molestation"..." "This feels really strange." "All sorts of things are on record here." ""Unlawful carrying of a weapon." "Narcotics related crimes."" ""Drunken driving."" ""Hit-and-run offences."" ""Petty theft."" ""Grievous bodily harm."" "I can't find it..." "Let's see now." "Here it is." "Oh, I've just realized..." "I just remembered there was one more girl who'd been chased by him." "I'd completely forgotten." "I have to get in touch with her." "It's something I've..." "I don't remember anything about it." "There's suddenly another name here another woman, same age too, about 20." "He stalked her at the hospital." "She worked there as a nurse, I think." "He chase her with a knife in a multi-story parking garage, the day before it happened to me." "So it's almost like he was pent up in some way." "I've sometimes thought..." "what if they'd caught him then?" "How could I have forgotten all about Annika?" "I find it really strange." "How old were you?" "I was born in '66." "So I was exactly 20." "And I was 18, nearly 19." ""How is Ewa doing?" I've asked myself that so many times." ""How is she?"" "It's really good to see you're doing okay." "It really is." "I've thought: "Maybe she doesn't want to live anymore."" ""Has she managed to be in a relationship?" "Or have a family?"" "Despite everything, I'm so thankful that things weren't worse in my case when I saw how someone else was suffering so much more." "Looking back, I see that I escaped with nothing more than that feeling of terror." "I don't remember..." "What's most disturbing about all this is I didn't know anything about you until my case came up and I saw that he'd been charged with this." "Through some common contact - the hospital counselor I think..." "She asked me to come to the county court early, to meet you." "So we could walk in there together." "I don't remember that either." "Don't you recall telling me that you wanted to meet me first since I was the only person who knew what his terrible eyes looked like?" "No..." "You said so several times "Only you know what it feels like" "when those terrible eyes look into yours as well."" "Remember we were all redheaded?" "No..." "We'd dyed our hair." "So strange." "Yes..." "I don't remember that either." "It's as though you know much more than I do." "I suffered less, Ewa." "The trial was awful." "It really was." "He got a three and a half year prison sentence." "No one thought he would appeal." "Yet he did." "You felt such a deep despair." "And I felt the same too, seeing your despair." "I don't remember crying." "But you do." "We just looked at each other and cried and cried." "I remember the final stage, when you're lying there alone, shaking underneath a table or some other piece of living room furniture." "And you get the phone down to the floor and call the police and say:" ""I might be dead when you get here." "He's taken my keys"." ""And he could be right outside."" ""But take down this address because I've just been raped"." "You were so terrified that he might be outside." "And you didn't know how long you'd been lying there." "I remember the worst thing, almost, was that he'd locked me in." "I do remember thinking "This just can't have happened"." ""I've got to call the police"." "At the same time I'm terrified that he's standing outside the door with the scissors..." "Or that he's listening while I make the call and is coming back in to kill me." "I'm so afraid he'll..." "I can't jump either" " I can't get out." "I'm a prisoner in my own home." "In a sense..." "I can't even utter the word rape, without feeling so..." "And no one talks about it." "So I feel like I'm..." "It's as though I feel the same loneliness as I did 25 years ago." "It's completely..." "Walk ahead of me, Malte, while we sing." "Walk ahead of me, Malte, while we sing." "Long may you live now!" "Long may you live now!" "Long may you live - for a century or more!" "Oh, long may you live now!" "Long may you live now!" "Of course you're to live for a century or more." "Thank you." "How lovely!" "What a lovely strawberry cake you have here!" "Cheers!" "Ears and..." "And the eyes." "And here are the snowmen." "Did you see that, Malte?" "You sound like a..." "I need some hugging on my birthday." "No, no escaping now - stay here with Mom!" "Did the birds eat up all the pieces of apple?" "No?" "Right." "Out we go now, Malte." "Bye-bye, Mom." "Have a nice birthday!" "Kisses!" "Kiss!" "See you later." "I'll pick him up." "Yes." "Bye!" "Since he got a prison sentence, the police report with me was destroyed the testimony they took on the night it happened." "Now a police officer has offered to hold an interview with me again to help me remember and understand more about what actually happened." "Ewa Cederstam?" "Yes." "Hello." "Hello!" "Sixth floor." "How do you feel?" "Feels stressful." "Have you done a lot of thinking, before coming here now?" "Yes, I have." "About what I'll need to say and remember." "Right." "So, yes..." "This way." "I'll ask you to recount everything from start to finish." "Then I'll ask you some follow-up questions." "Everything you remember- tell me whatever you remember." "Right." "Then there'll be follow-up questions." "Questions that can sometimes sound a bit challenging." "This is an injured-party interview with Ewa Cederstam held at Berg Street police station, Family Violence Unit..." "It's January 21, 2011." "Right, Ewa, please begin." "I was on my way home from work." "It was in October." "I'd taken the bus home, to Osby Street in Malmö." "I'd been living there a month or two." "I'd just moved away from home." "I've been walking for a minute or two when a man bikes past me." "He says hello and waves." "I say hello back as I think it must be someone I know." "And he brakes, a bit ahead of me." "Then I see that it's not anyone I know." "He asks what I've got under my arm." "I'm carrying a portfolio of photos." "We start talking about the photos which he thinks are very good." "He jokes a bit, saying he's on his way to work." "I see him as a perfectly normal person." "I go into my building and get half way up the first flight of stairs." "Then I hear him - he's in the building too." "He follows me and then he's outside my flat door and I'm inside." "I felt I needed to get rid of him in some way." "I can't just close the door." "I ask him if he wants a cup of tea, I assume he'll say, "No thanks" since he has to get to work." "But he says, "Yes, please", and walks in." "I'm the only one talking, I think." "And it strikes me I know nothing about him - who he is, what he does..." "I ask him what he does for a living." ""You don't want to know," he says, "you wouldn't like me then."" "I find that strange and say:" ""I can't like someone I don't even know." "What do you mean?"" ""I've been to prison," he says." "He says he's served a sentence for rape." "That frightens me, and I start thinking:" ""What's he doing here in my flat?"" "There are scissors on the table." "He picks them up and says: "Shut up!"" "My head's spinning." "I just feel I've got to get out." "I try talking to him: "I'm only 18." "You'll regret this." "What are you doing?"" "And he gets a strangle hold on me." "He's there, knocking my head back and saying, "You just shut up"!" "He's just banging my head and he starts cutting into my clothes with the scissors." "He's just cutting wildly, so I close my eyes and think:" ""As long as he doesn't cut my eyes or..."" "With his right fist clenched he hits me from behind." "And I I fall forward...somehow onto the edge of the bed." "Then there's his voice:" ""I know what you want"." "I keep my eyes closed." "I do not want to see him, or hear him." "But I can't switch off the sound." "So I hear him unbuttoning his trousers." "And I hear him say:" ""You're going to suck me off now"." ""I won't", I'm thinking, "I'd rather die than do that." "I won't"!" ""I'd rather die"." "Then I hear him spit in his hand..." "This is really hard." "Mm." "And I feel how I don't want to be there at all." "No..." "He must have removed my stockings somehow." "Everything seems to hurt suddenly." "I feel how everything starts to hurt." "I don't know how long I lie there." "Much later I slide down to the floor and get hold of the phone and dial...the emergency number to the police and say that something terrible has happened, "You have to come and help me"." "Then I have to go to Malmö General Hospital to be examined." "I feel I just cannot get into that gynaecological chair..." ""I can't sit up there on that chair...now"." ""I can't..."" "But somehow, eventually, I manage to." "And they switch on one of those medical lamps that go "poomf"!" "My memories are mostly of sounds during all this because I close my eyes of them scraping at me with something." "It hurts bad." "I'm starting to feel hysterical." "My reaction is welling up now." "I've kept myself calm, somehow." "I'm not very aware of what's going on..." "Would you like to take a break?" "No." "It won't be any easier later." "Okay." "Everything seems to happen afterwards, which is so stupid." "I thought... ..if he'd really understood how frightened I was, maybe he wouldn't have done it." "I'm often told it's got nothing to do with sex." "So what is it about?" "This is what I find the hardest of all to talk about, I realize." "I feel so utterly unfree in a situation which ought to be a glorious celebration of life - a sexual one." "When one's supposed to be attractive I just feel that I'm completely "rigid"." "When I asked my mom to tell me what she remembered about the rape she relates the events exactly as I relate them." "How we met down on the pavement and talked and he came up to the flat and we were to have tea." "Then he becomes threatening and picks up the scissors, and then..." "I don't remember how mom put it how she doesn't want to reopen the wound since she thought I'd put it all behind me." "You sometimes need to tell white lies so as not to hurt people." "You can't always be entirely frank with your thoughts." "Are you thinking of me now?" "Partly." "But it's the same with everyone." "With you, too." "One can't always be so out spoken..." "all those powerful emotions." "Do you think I've done that?" "Sometimes I think so." "Though sometimes you need to soften things." "But perhaps it's not honest, not being absolutely frank." "With age, you learn that you can express things a little more calmly." "Do mean suppress your feelings?" "No." "You learn to..." "You knew how far you could go and no further." "But I haven't learned how to do that." "You have!" "Sometimes you are very direct." "Hello!" "Did you just get here?" "Good morning." "Morning!" "It went great." "What did they say in the shop?" "I got it down to 60 kronor." "How long do you have to wait?" "350 kronor a square metre." "Did you bring it home?" "60 kronor for the whole bit?" "That little piece, yes." "What were they asking?" "100 or so." "You can't haggle in Sweden!" "Oh, yes you can!" "He felt I needed it." "Since my daughters were so poor." "So I got a deal!" "True, true..." "Have you and Mom ever talked about my rape?" "No..." "No." "It's as though it never happened." "Right." "That's so strange." "Swept under the rug." "When I was younger I got beaten up." "It was taken to court." "It wasn't anything people talked about." "No one said a thing after the trial." "Nothing?" "No." "I knew the guys who'd beaten me up." "What happened?" "I had to watch out so as not to bump into them in town and get bashed again." "How did they beat you up?" "It was outside a restaurant in Borås." "Four guys knocked me to the ground." "Someone found me in the gutter." "There was a trial, four big guys, up against me." "I had to describe what had happened, but didn't have much evidence." "They said they hadn't done anything and got acquitted." "Mother and Father never ever mentioned it." "You must have been terribly afraid." "Afraid?" "Oh, yes I was terrified." "Maybe that's behind it..." "Because I've never heard that story." "I've never told anyone." "But I think it's interesting, as there are parallels to what I went through." "You've also felt afraid of another person." "Four people." "Yes..." "It's the same phenomenon." "Then you understand how scared I was of him?" "Yes..." "How could you go on living there?" "It wasn't easy." "That's why I went to sea." "To get away." "And I couldn't stay in Malmö." "So I live in Stockholm because I feel much safer." "Yes." "There must be an "expiration date" so one can feel "Right!" "Now I can move on"." "You want one of those dates - you want to know that I'm over what happened "Ewa has moved on now"." "That's what you want." "Yes." "I never went back to my flat." "My dad packed up and cleared out all my stuff." "That one's nice and slim." "This one?" "Or is it...?" "That's a really nice one." "Not too big either." "Do you want one like that?" "It'll do fine." "Listen, maybe..." "Maybe what?" "Isn't one like that even better?" "You need..." "Stand this one next to it." "It's much too..." "It's much bigger." "That one then?" "It's similar to this one." "Just to compare, before we buy it." "Isn't this one more compact?" "A bit bigger." "Looks better maybe." "Slightly wider, too." "Maybe that one's perfect." "It's a great one." "Isn't it lovely!" "We've bought our Christmas tree." "Right." "Happy?" "There you are!" "It's a great one." "Don't you wish you had a different wife who functioned better?" "Of course." "What a silly question, Ewa." "I love you, too." "It doesn't matter who you live with, they always have this "baggage"." "And what's in that baggage?" "Something you don't really want." "But that baggage comes with every individual, I think." "What was in my baggage?" "For example, your fear of certain kinds of contact." "But it's not a problem in that sense." "Yet I feel it's a pity in a way that it turned out like that." "In your case." "I'm so angry at that damned idiot." "Right..." "Can you push it in?" "There." ""With lots of bother and much travail"." "Hi, Father Christmas, fill your glass up Let us fashion a merry party" "A fleeting life -...to our avail" ""Lots of bother and much travail"." "It does look lovely now." "Real silver." "I think the Christmas tree's lovely." "So do I." "I want to hang this up somewhere." "Yes, do that." "So it won't fall down." "It's fine there." "Right..." "Watch now!" "Yes!" "Lovely, right?" "Mm." "Is it alright now?" "Yes." "We adopted our son." "Someone asked:" ""Were you so badly hurt by the rape"" ""that you cannot have children now?"" "And I'd never thought in those terms all the years we tried to become parents." "I've never ever mentioned to a single doctor who examined us as to why it was so hard for us to become parents that it could've had anything to do with the rape." "It's got me thinking a lot about what might have been going through the minds of other people." "What do they say?" ""Oh, what luck that she's found a husband."" ""Imagine it- she's got a child!"" "And I'm really extremely grateful that I have that child." "And that I found Peter..." "or that we found each other." "But it doesn't help me at all to get over everything connected to the rape." "We've got two roosters- have you noticed?" "I've felt really nervous about meeting you again." "Why?" "It's so painful." "I think it's damned difficult" "Why?" "I didn't feel that way earlier, but now I find it very hard." "In your flashback, when you describe the sound of him unbuttoning his trousers." "That sound's haunted me ever since." "It's all I hear- that goddamned sound." "That foul sound." "I can't fucking stand it." "It crops up - in my head as well." "Are you trying to tell me you find it too hard talking with me?" "No." "What I'm saying is..." "People find it hard knowing what to say to a relative when someone dies." "I've always rejected that notion." "Just say what you feel!" "But now, when I see..." "I feel..." "Why couldn't anyone help you?" "I feel so powerless." "I'm in the midst of all this and I feel I just can't cope." "As friends..." "In a relationship, as I see it, you have to support each other." "That's how I see it." "That's what's so damned hard, in certain aspects." "There is no other way." "How are you supposed to live?" "Can you cope, though?" "You know I can cope." "It's not that." "But I'm saying it, just because..." "It feels so locked in." "It is locked in." "I just want to..." "Hell!" "What I feel about rape is..." "You cannot free yourself within yourself." "It's as though it's still something inside you which you cannot..." "It's as I described it..." "Those sounds - the sound of someone who's not listening to you at all, but just doing something." "That's..." "You did try to talk to him?" "All the time at first." "Then I was silent." "When did you become silent?" "When I understood that he wasn't he wasn't listening at all, from the time we got to the corner by the bed and he knocked me down and said, "I know..."" ""I know what you want." "You're going to suck my dick." "From that instant, when he stopped even acknowledging that I was present..." "It's as though I weren't there." "There's someone on the bed - me - but I don't say anything." "I don't scream." "I thought: "If I could just get out of here I could run...", from the third floor." ""If I could just get out." "Out"!" ""I've got to get out of here"!" "When I start walking away, he's there, after me." "When I get to..." "The bathroom's to the right and the bed's here." "Then he raises a clenched fist and..." "Bang!" "I lose my balance and fall onto the bed." "That's when I feel it doesn't make a difference if I fight back." "There's nothing else I can do." "I've tried talking, fighting, leaving resisting to start with, pushing him away." "But, when we got to the bed, I just lay there curled up into a small ball." "That's when I hear him" " I can't see him- unbuttoning his trousers behind me." "What does he say at that point?" ""I know what you want..."" "And it still feels..." "It still feels physically..." "It feels as though I'm utterly trapped there in bed with someone who's just not listening to me, at all, who doesn't give a shit not about my feelings or what I'm thinking." "I'm damned tired, too, of reliving and talking about it..." "I want him to disappear from my life, and all the memories my entire body- everything - to just..." "That's how I think about it." "He's still got the scissors at this point?" "I'm not sure." "Do you know if he took off your underpants?" "No." "Had you had sex earlier?" "No." "How long before, do you mean?" "During the previous week." "No." "Two weeks?" "No." "The interview ends here." "It is 2:46 pm." "Well, you're not remembering pain..." "Mm, it's really strange." "You find yourself in a condition known as post-traumatic stress." "It's there..." "Yes, it's there." "Somewhere around the time you curled up into a ball maybe even before that, your brain starts to shut down." "That's possible." "That's why there can be memory gaps - you don't remember things." "That's why maybe you're in touch with more details today than you were the first time you were interviewed." "You were still in shock then." "But today, the trauma is not the same." "Mmm." "It makes sense for you to deal with this by talking about it over and over again." "My thinking now, afterwards..." "He hit me, he had those scissors..." "He hit my head and grabbed my throat." "But he didn't actually kill me." "I don't understand how I can feel so frightened due to what he actually did." "You describe, in the interview, how it felt..." "..."No, I cannot escape"." "No that's when you "played dead"." "That reaction there." "That's the way we react in a situation like that." "I find it really hard to accept that weakness in me, you know?" "That I, in many ways a functioning person..." "I couldn't cope with the situation." "It's an utterly human reaction." "Yes, but that's not good enough." ""Good enough"?" "We just don't know." "But I feel it makes me very sad." "Maybe I ought to have put up a fight." "And not remained so passive and silent." "But you did put up a fight." "You chose your fight, at the outset." "You tried, physically and verbally, to get yourself out of it." "You tried to escape." "You've done all those things." "Then you see it's not working." "No..." "Only one thing remains:" "You play dead to avoid getting hurt." "The oral sex he tries to force on you..." "He doesn't get away with that." "You won that fight, didn't you?" "Well, yes, but I find it so repulsive." "Yes." "But, Ewa..." "You won that one." "It never happened." "It's not usual that a rape victim gets to choose the fight." "Isn't it?" "No." "I'm absolutely exhausted." "Yes." "How hellish this all is!" "But..." "Take care of yourself." "Yes." "Don't let it..." "It won't help you." "No." "You've got to face that fight, within yourself, primarily." "I understand." "I do." "Mom and I are at the Åhléns department store, on our way up an escalator when I suddenly see him." "He's on his way down." "I whisper to Mom: "There he is!"" "We hide behind some clothing racks so frightened that he'll come after us." "What if he saw me...?" "I let them write about me in the paper." "A journalist from Sydsvenskan called and I described how I'd been raped." "Have you heard any comments from neighbors, family anyone that might have read the paper?" "I felt, having read the article, that we hadn't talked and that I hadn't been by your side at the trial." "I felt guilt." "Why hadn't I?" "I wondered, too..." "What are people going to think?" "You say in the newspaper, that no one was with you at the trial." "Did you feel we didn't give a damn about you, when we weren't at the trial?" "What were your thoughts at the time?" "I asked your dad: "Why weren't we..."?" "What was the reason for that?" "You never told us about it I think." "I don't think I knew about it until afterwards." "You never asked us if we wanted to be there, if I remember right." "I have no memory of your asking or..." "Why was that?" "I don't know." "You couldn't have believed that we wouldn't want to come." "I sincerely hope." "But there must be a reason." "What could be the reason for my not saying anything?" "That we wouldn't want to, we wouldn't stand by you, or something else...?" "That I was afraid you'd say no?" "I don't know." "Or it was the feeling that we never talked about it because, if you attended the trial, perhaps you'd break down even more than I would, so that I wouldn't feel any support from you." "That I wanted to go through it alone." "It's hard to say, looking back." "I really don't know." "No." "I felt very, very desolate." "I believed that the trials would be extremely hard to bear." "It was about describing sexual..." "One doesn't want to talk about what he did to me." "No." "I didn't want to describe or relive..." "What has been the worst part of all this?" "I don't know." "I just don't know." "I feel like I wasn't there for you..." "now, when I think back." "I feel I just wasn't there for you." "If you'd asked me to come and I'd said no, I would have been guilty of that." "But now I think I was guilty anyway because, even if you didn't ask me I feel I should have offered to be there." "It's as though I wasn't good enough." "A bad mother who wasn't there for you." "And that we never talk about it." "Such a strange shield..." "around you and around me." "I think you're very brave, Mom." "No..." "One, two..." "One, two, three!" "On your marks." "Get set." "Go!" "No...!" "You're cheating." "The finish!" "I won!" "Are you tired, Ewa?" "Again!" "One last time then." "On your marks." "Get set." "Go!" "I won!" "I won!"