"Hey, come here!" "Harry." "Yeah?" "What time is it?" "Oh, well, it's..." "I got you." "Oh." "So the embalming fluid's spraying all over the mortuary... and the body slides off the table onto my new assistant... who starts screaming that the dead guy's got a woody and is trying to do her." "...a bigger closet." "Despite their money and willingness to part with it... the morticians are creeping me out." "At least you don't have a ballroom full of coffins." "How much are they worth?" "Dirk is worth $50 mil." "He's got the largest string of funeral homes in North America... and he's getting richer by the minute because people are dying to see him." "Don't give up your day job." "Get it?" "It's funny." "Ever done it in a coffin?" "It was only once." "I think they're kind of sexy." "Yes, and they're used to dealing with dead people... so sex with you wouldn't be a disappointment." "That was very funny." "I'm on fire today." "That was funny." "You laughed." "You seeing this?" "It's amazing." "$50, dark shirt." "What have we got goin' tonight, boys?" "Quite possibly the two stupidest people on the planet Earth." "Dumb and Dumber." "We would have had a security escort them out... but we got a little side bet going on:" "Which one is stupider." "Yeah, so who's winnin'?" "You tell us." "It looks like a dead heat." "Well, here's the problem." "Just for fun, we ran a check on 'em." "They don't exist." "There's nothin' on 'em?" "I mean, there's no job history... no driver's license numbers, nothin'?" "I'm pretty sure they're too stupid to hold down jobs or pass a driving test." "Actually, there is no law against being stupid... or picking' your nose in public." "But even the dumbest guy in the world... has to have some kind of public history... we should be able to look up, no?" "Here we go again." "Wait a minute, this guy's got some kind of a skin irritation or somethin'." "Push in on his arm whatever you can." "Blow it up." "Looks like something's embedded under the skin." "Give me thermal and infrared." "Whatever it is, it's synthetic and generating heat." "We got a third party joining 'em." "Putting it on the screen now." "I told you to meet me in Las Vegas." "But we are in Las Vegas." "Las Vegas, New Mexico, you idiots." "Whoops." "Whoops." "It looks like some kind of scanning device." "We got nothin' on the third party." "Apparently, he doesn't exist, either." "What are the chances of three non-existent guys... showing up at my casino at the same time?" "Not real good." "Not real good." "What the..." "One second." "Why didn't you tell me you were coming?" "Are you on leave?" "Discharged." "You're discharged?" "There's the winner!" "When did you get back?" "God, I missed you." "Turning over chip thief to Metro." "Hey!" "Hey, what's up, man?" "How you doin'?" "How come you didn't call?" "I missed you." "Why didn't you tell us you were coming?" "You got a haircut." "Why don't we give the boy some air here?" "Why doesn't everybody go back to work... and we can all catch up with each other later?" "It's really good to see you, Danny." "You look great." "All right, I'll catch up with you later." "Good to see you." "Good to see you, man." "I knew you'd be okay." "We missed you." "Will you have dinner with me tonight?" "Of course." "I get off at 10:00." "10:00 it is." "Looks like you guys have gotten pretty slack since I've been gone." "What?" "Yeah, I would've..." "I would've spotted that chip thief before he made his play for the chips." "So how'd it go, man?" "Let's just say, I did what they needed me to do... and now they don't need me anymore." "You guys made some changes around here." "You know, Vegas, always reinventing' itself." "So you all ready to go back to work?" "That's why I'm here." "Listen, why don't..." "You should take off for a little while and relax." "I'd rather work." "If you ever need to, you know, talk to someone..." "Nothin' to talk about." "US forces were attacked for a third straight day... raising the death toll once again." "Mr. Deline." "Welcome home." "It's good to be home, Mitch." "Your car keys." "Thanks for watching after my car, Mikey." "My pleasure." "Except I still think you need to install some antilock brakes." "So who's the new guy?" "This is Leo." "He's been helping out since you left." "Danny McCoy." "Leo Broder." "Welcome aboard." "And I guess welcome back would be appropriate." "Thank you." "It's good to be back." "What?" "Are you trying to replace me?" "What are you talkin' about?" "Leo?" "No." "I just need a little extra help, that's all." "What the hell's the matter with you?" "I'm just kiddin'." "Goof." "So..." "What?" "What have we got?" "We got a couple of idiots." "Yeah, and one of them has got something embedded under his skin." "A cheating device?" "Neither one has even come close to gambling since they've been here." "The thing is, the couple of them there," "I don't think they're capable of cheating." "The third one, he could be." "Mitch, enhance that thermal image for me." "You got it." "Give me a color shift on his body." "Cool it down." "Change the color spectrum." "And that, ladies, is a serial number." "Nice." "My boy's still got it." "Run that serial number through everything we got there, Leo... and then post these three guys with Metro, FBI, Homeland Security." "Maybe we'll get lucky with somethin'." "So Dirk and the morticians... would like to rent out Mystique for their end-of-convention party." "We hear it's the hottest club in town." "It is, but it won't be if I rent it to you." "No offense." "We're not offended." "We hear it all the time." "People find out what we do for a living... and all of a sudden a root canal sounds like fun." "You won't believe how many women change their phone numbers on us." "Change their phone numbers?" "I've had them change their addresses... their medical history, and their sexual orientation." "Ouch." "Look, they're pathetic." "It's one night." "Work it out." "Not gonna happen." "Okay, she says she can't wait for it to happen." "He's on a Homeland Security watch list." "Along with about 10 million other people." "Name's Marcus Dixon." "He's wanted for questioning, along with his cousins Harry and Tom." "They're brothers wanted for questioning... regarding the whereabouts of their cousin Marcus." "Mitch, call up whoever the hell we're supposed to call... and tell 'em we got the three of them here." "All right." "This is a secondary watch list... which means these guys aren't a priority." "I know, but they're gonna want us to keep an eye on 'em... until they have the time to send someone over here." "Leo, call up Nessa." "Tell her to flag the three of them." "Danny... you take a walk around the casino... and see if you can figure out what they're up to." "And Mike... rig up a couple mikes... and see if we can get a little sound, all right?" "I've been itching to try out my new mini-mikes." "If you're careful... you can plant 'em on a suspect without their knowledge." "You could plant trees on these idiots without their knowledge." "Nessa, it's Leo." "Hi, Leo." "I want you to keep an eye on a couple of guys." "I'm shooting their picture to you now." "Okay." "Did somebody dip you guys in dum-dum sauce?" "So how long has Leo been workin' here?" "Ed brought him in right after you left." "Right after I left?" "He's a good guy." "Everybody likes him." "Especially the ladies, if you know what I mean." "I do not want morticians in Mystique." "Okay, so I'm going over your head on this one." "So how's Mary been?" "Good." "Luis?" "Man, don't take me back to junior high with you." "Mary's been true blue, like always." "So where did they ship you to?" "Iraq?" "Afghanistan?" "It's classified." "It itches all the time." "Yeah, well, it won't itch much longer." "Really?" "Cool." "How come it won't itch much longer?" "'Cause I'm going to cut the itch out." "What do you mean cut the itch out?" "Sorry about that." "You wanna go speak to your father about it?" "You totally went behind my back." "Daddy, Sam's having a little problem with the funeral home directors." "Ed, Delinda is having a big problem... and it might stem from the fact that she once did it in a coffin." "Excuse me?" "Sam's just trying to be funny." "No, I'm not." "Yes, you are." "It'll be bad for business if these morticians have their party in Mystique." "What are you talking about?" "Yes, it will." "He's worth $50 million." "Have you ever had..." "I don't care." "All you care about is money!" "I don't care." "Excuse me!" "Can you guys kind of settle this amongst yourselves?" "I got nothin' to do with this." "If it were anyone other than your daughter... who just happens to control the location... that my clients wish to throw their very expensive closing party at... then maybe we could." "You know how fickle this town is with restaurants and clubs, Daddy." "I mean, one night you're the toast of the town, and the next night you're dead." "No pun intended." "Listen, sweetheart, I do think you're being unreasonable here." "I mean, it is Vegas... and people really don't care what other people do for a living." "Unreasonable?" "No one calls you unreasonable when you skip town during the clown convention." "No, that's different." "Whatever." "It is completely abnormal... for grown men to paint smiles and frowns on their faces with bright colors." "You know, Daddy, one would've thought... that the CIA might have diagnosed... your coulrophobia and done something about it." "So, you have a little problem with clowns, big guy?" "Shut up." "Delinda, give them Mystique for the party, will you?" "Delinda." "But..." "Give them Mystique." "Delinda." "Shut up." "Give them Mystique." "Hey, Leo." "Hello, Delinda." "We got mikes in place, Mr. D." "I don't think I can wait until dinner." "You can't?" "I need to be with you now." "Meet me at my place." "Okay." "Bringing up sound now." "...crazy." "It'll hurt if you cut the itch outta my arm." "Come on." "Quit being such a cry-baby whiner." "Who are you calling a cry-baby whiner?" "You!" "Can you do me a favor and act..." "Bingo!" "He has a series of microchips embedded under his skin." "An extremely complex series." "This is not your everyday pet implant for identification." "They probably plan to use it for video poker or slot manipulation or something." "That'd be my guess." "He's making a run for it." "Hey." "Where'd he go?" "Ow, ow, ow." "You and me have to have a little talk." "Mary, I don't..." "Hey, you are my best friend in the world... and I don't wanna lose that." "What happened between us the night you left was beautiful." "I'm not holding you to anything." "I'm not." "I'm a big girl." "I knew what I was doing, and I knew the consequences." "And I'm fine... with everything that happened... and I would do it again in the same situation." "Danny, you can't just sleep with me and then..." "Mary Connell... will you marry me?" "And what did he say?" ""Will you marry me?"" "And what did you say?" "I didn't know what to say." "So you didn't answer him?" "All I know is that he wants to get married right away." "He said something about moving to Tahoe." "Tahoe?" "Starting a family." "A family?" "You'd leave Vegas?" "I didn't even say yes yet." "So does that mean you're gonna marry him or not?" "Of course she's gonna marry him." "You'll marry him." "We are going to throw you the biggest wedding Vegas has ever seen." "But the most important question is:" "Who's going to be your maid of honor?" "You know, it's funny." "It was right after one of my special assignments... that I came home and asked Jillian to marry me." "Really?" "Yeah." "I'd been in a few mixes... but this one was a little different." "I mean, we were cooked." "No backup that we knew of." "I remember it being the first time... that my life actually flashed before my eyes." "And it was a life that, you know, just didn't include Jillian." "T. McCoy!" "So I swore right then... if God, or whoever, pulled me out of this thing alive... the first thing I was going to do when I got back... was ask Jillian to marry me." "And, by God, I did." "Hey, guys." "Wow, this is just like the bridge on the Starship Enterprise." "Actually, were the Enterprise not fictitious, we'd still be three times as large." "I rigged up something a little special to tap into Harry's arm." "It's not gonna hurt, is it?" "Hey, there's Marcus and Tom." "Harry, let me see your arm there." "Putting it on screen now." "Most embedded microchips have magnetic coils that activate when scanned... but this thing has its own power source." "Looks like some kind of a code." "Yeah, it is." "Mike, break it." "Mr. D, I can do a lot of things... breaking codes is not one of them." "Sam!" "But I thought this was what you wanted?" "Yeah, I do." "It's just..." "It's cold feet, that's all." "No, something is not right." "All right, watch the drinkin'." "Promise?" "Sam, hold it right there." "Samantha Jane." "It's just a few coffins." "A few coffins?" "Mystique looks like a graveyard." "Don't get your panties in a wad." "It's gonna be fine." "For your information, I'm not wearing any panties." "And you feel the need to broadcast that to everyone?" "This is not funny." "You wanna give me a break?" "It's 500 degrees." "I'm in wool pants." "Sweat is dripping down the back of my thighs." "Me, too." "Listen, the boys need to put their coffins in Mystique in case the IRS audits them." "Mary, she filled Mystique with coffins." "Good, you finally got them out of my ballroom." "You, I like." "We are not through, missy." "You okay?" "Yeah, fine." "Just have to change for work." "It's the one above the elevator." "Fourteen." "Damn, I lost them." "Maybe if you kept your eyes on the suspects rather than Delinda..." "Well, you gotta admit she's kind of hard to keep your eyes off of." "Let me give you a word of advice." "Ed takes losing suspects very serious." "But he takes his daughter even more serious." "Believe me, I know." "Mitch, back it up to the last known location of these suspects." "All right." "Fast-forward." "More." "All right, stop." "They disappear in the oversized parking lot." "Pull up the cameras from the north and south exits." "You know, Mar..." "I have to be honest with you." "I never thought I'd be, but I'm kind of jealous." "Last night must have been beautiful." "Actually, he ran off... right after he asked me to marry him." "You mean, you guys didn't..." "No." "That's kind of weird, considering where he's been." "I mean, you'd think that'd be the first thing he'd wanna do." "Yeah, that's what I thought." "Yeah, she should be coming back any minute!" "I can't believe I'm saying this... but I'm not sure about this wedding thing." "Mary, everyone in Vegas knows you two are meant to be together." "Thank you, but I'm starting to have my doubts." "Mary, you and Danny have been best friends since you were two." "Yeah, best friends." "And lovers... twice." "And both times it was the night before he shipped out." "Take it as a compliment." "He wanted to spend his last night with you both times." "But he didn't want to be with me on his first night back." "Whenever my father came back from one of his assignments... my mom and I always tried to give him some space so he could adjust." "One day they're getting shot at and their friends killed... and the next day they're back home... and they're supposed to act normal." "Well, I guess that's the part that worries me." "When he gets back to normal..." "Is he still gonna want to marry me?" "These number sequences are a code." "We already know that, Mike." "No, I mean it's a code to break codes." "It deciphers ciphers." "This is one big bad mother just waitin' for somethin' to eat." "No wonder Homeland Security wanted Marcus for questioning." "This microchip can decode any encryption." "That's how Marcus was able to make him and his two cousins not exist." "He decoded all their information files, then erased everything." "That would make every code in the world vulnerable." "Selling this chip to the highest bidder... on the open market would bring in... a lot of money." "Well, maybe they're here to meet potential buyers?" "What?" "What did your cousin Marcus plan on doing with that chip?" "He plans on cutting it out of my arm so it won't itch anymore." "Why do you think I ran away from him?" "Marcus sounds like a real nice cousin." "The best." "Hey, how did you get that chip in your arm?" "Me, Tom, and Marcus were drinkin' beers one night... and when I woke up in the mornin', my arm itched." "Marcus obviously slipped it into his arm while he was passed out." "Why are you here at the Montecito?" "Actually, we're in the wrong Las Vegas." "Is it always this cold in here?" "Could someone please get him a sweatshirt?" "What do you mean that you're in the wrong Las Vegas?" "We were supposed to meet Marcus in Las Vegas, New Mexico." "Las Vegas, New Mexico is near Los Alamos." "The government lab." "What's Los Alamos?" "Here." "Cool." "A Montecito sweatshirt." "I wanted to buy one of these, but Marcus wouldn't let me." "Hey, can I talk to you for a sec?" "If you were supposed to be in Las Vegas, New Mexico, what are you doing here?" "When Marcus said to meet him in Las Vegas... me and Tom just thought he meant here." "Last night was just a little weird, Danny." "Yeah." "I'm sorry about runnin' off like that." "It kinda made me think you don't really wanna marry me." "I've had a lot of time to think about this... and if there's anything that you realize when bullets are flying... it's that life is short." "I want this." "Maybe we should wait." "I thought you loved me." "Oh, God, I do." "Then what's the problem?" "I just..." "What?" "I love you." "And I wanna marry you, and I wanna have lots of babies with you... just like you always wanted." "The house with the pool, the white picket fence, the Sunday dinners." "I want it all, okay?" "Yeah." "All right, I gotta go." "They have to be hiding in one of the RVs." "There must be hundreds of them down there." "More like thousands." "I really have to use the bathroom." "It's around the corner." "Hey, whoa, whoa." "What are you doing?" "I have to pee." "Leo, keep an eye on him, will you?" "Thank you." "Party time." "The microchip has been activated." "T. McCoy!" "We're being overrun!" "How many security teams do we have out there searching the lot?" "Six teams of two going door-to-door." "Expand it to ten teams of four." "Danny, half the owners aren't in their RV." "They're in the casino, gambling." "Just do it!" "No more coffee for you." "You know the routine, Harry." "Don't touch that!" "Sorry." "Mitch, get this guy back in holding." "Maybe he was just a little nervous about askin' you to marry him." "Something is wrong, Ed." "He just needs a little time, that's all." "Just some time." "It's not the Danny I know." "No, it's not." "What happened to him over there?" "I don't know." "Who loves you, boys?" "Come on, D. Mystique's never looked better." "You're so dead." "What I don't get is why anyone would trust a complete idiot... with something so valuable as this microchip." "Yeah, I've been wondering the same thing, Mike." "Unless it's what they say, "Blood is thicker than water."" "They also say, "Stupid is as stupid does."" "I'm just not so sure how stupid they really are." "T. McCoy!" "Hey, Mitch." "How long has he been standing there?" "All day." "I just found out he's been working since he got in last night." "Go see what Harry wants." "Hey, Danny." "Ed." "How long has it been since you slept?" "Sleep's overrated." "Yeah." "How long have you been forcing yourself to stay awake?" "I got to tell you, I knew where you were." "I've always known exactly where you were." "And I also know that you're gonna get nominated for a Silver Star." "So congratulations, man." "I don't wanna talk about it." "All right, well, you need some sleep, man." "No, I'm fine." "You are not fine." "I'm fine." "You are not fine." "Now if you're not gonna go home, let me get you a suite." "And I'm gonna make a call... make an appointment for you to talk to someone." "I'm not gonna talk to anybody." "I'm not talking to anybody." "Forget about it." "Okay." "Let's get some sleep." "Let's get some sleep and we'll chat later." "Come on." "Ed, Harry here says he needs to talk to you." "He says it's important." "Ed, on a hunch, I ran the three through last year's video IQ playback..." "I'm sorry." "Look at that." "I'm..." "The auction will commence with an opening bid of $10 million." "The winning bidder will receive the download... once the funds are wired to my account." "You all right, man?" "Yeah, Ed." "I just thought it was..." "We got nothin' on Marcus from the past year... but Cousin Tom isn't so stupid." "He's been here 11 times in the last three months." "Eleven times?" "If you weren't watching surveillance and security..." "I'd say he's casing the place." "Wait a second." "Listen, this guy's not casing the place, he's casing' us." "He's checkin' out our routine to see what it takes... to have a guy brought up here in the surveillance area." "Ed, these names and numbers flying by... are all the bank account and credit card numbers the Montecito has on file." "Every guest who's ever stayed here." "This is all their personal information." "Someone's breaking our security codes and accessing them as we speak." "This whole Dumb and Dumber thing is a scam." "A Trojan horse." "They knew if they did anything illegal, we'd arrest them... but playing dumb would get our attention." "And the microchip would raise enough suspicion... for us to bring him into the surveillance room." "Where's the microchip?" "Where's the microchip?" "Danny." "Ed, we have no control over our computers." "We've been overridden." "That's why the microchip has its own power source." "Listen to me." "You're gonna talk, or I'm gonna beat the dumb back into you." "Once the chip is in place, it can only be accessed externally." "Ed, this chip is not just a microchip, it's a transmitter." "That means I can use the transmitter to find them." "Where's Danny?" "Mitch, call the girls and tell them to find Danny." "Danny." "Hey, baby." "I'm going to take you upstairs to a suite." "Let's get married right now." "We can talk about that later." "All right?" "Okay?" "Right now you need to sleep." "Let's forget about the sleep." "Let's just do it." "Let's just go and get married." "You're gonna need sleep." "I'm not sleeping!" "They're holding an online auction... selling the identities and numbers to the highest bidders." "By my estimation, considering the massive size of the encrypted files... we have less than five minutes before the download is complete." "I'll meet you in the parking lot." "Got you." "What the hell happened here?" "Ed, I'm really worried." "When I told Danny that I wouldn't marry him right now and that he needed sleep... he flipped out." "Don't worry, Ed." "Metro will pick up Danny." "You can't miss that car." "Less than a minute." "All right, let's take them down." "They found us." "They found us." "Come on!" "Come on!" "Hurry up!" "Ed, I'm going around front." "Hey, man." "Download complete in 10..." "Well, when am I gonna get to hit a bad guy?" "You like that?" "I'm gonna kill her." "She's just doing her job, D." "That's right." "Come on." "Hi." "Are you drunk?" "No." "I love you guys." "I'm just trying to win a little bet." "I just won the bet." "Okay, I don't even wanna know..." "Delinda Deline?" "Hi, I'm Delinda." "Hi, I'm Jerry Meyers." "Thank you." "I'm so, so sorry you have to see this." "Mystique is usually not like this." "No." "It's quite all right." "I represent the Proctologists' Association of America." "We're having our convention, and we heard about this incredible party... that you're throwing for the funeral home directors." "So I wanted to check it out... because this is exactly what we're looking..." "No, this is a one-time deal only." "Whatever they paid, we'll double it." "Excuse me?" "I'm Sam." "Hi, Sam." "Back off." "Give us a little hug." "Harry had me fooled." "I thought he was an idiot." "Ed, I called all over." "I can't find Danny anywhere." "Check with his dad?" "Yeah, his dad didn't even know he was back." "I talked to his neighbors." "They haven't seen him." "He hasn't been home." "Get out an APB and then check every hotel, motel... every flophouse in this city." "All right?" "Excuse me." "Thanks a lot, Bob." "I appreciate it." "Listen, I really think you should wait out here." "Danny?" "You havin' a party?" "Just me." "Well, you're supposed to be sleepin'." "I don't..." "I don't sleep anymore." "Hey..." "I'm just gonna turn this light on over here, okay?" "No, leave it off." "How about..." "I just sit down so we can talk?" "It sometimes feels a little better... if you talk about it with someone who's been there." "There's nothin' to talk about." "You need some sleep." "I told you that I don't sleep anymore." "Why?" "Because there's nobody left to watch my back." "They're all dead." "Every single one of them." "I know." "I had to call in an air strike... right on top of us." "You had no choice, Danny." "I mean... you were being overrun... and you absolutely had no choice at all." "Why don't you just go and take a shower and clean yourself up?" "Did you ever have to do what I had to do?" "Yeah, I did." "Danny." "I'll watch your back, son." "Ow!"