"Previously on Californication..." "You hocked everything?" "Is that it?" "I need to fess up, OK?" "It's part of the process." "I'm King of Fuck Mountain!" "I could go for days!" "All right, repeat after me." " I will never..." " I will never fuck Mia again." "Oh, no!" "You didn't!" "You're an asshole!" " But we haven't even dated." " No, I'm a little too old for you." "You date children." "What the fuck?" "I thought I saw a green light there." "I work for Lew Ashby." "It just says "Get in the car."" "We'll have you back by eleven." "Just in time." " The guy's an animal." " But he is a great kisser." "I'm gonna have to pass on that very tempting offer." "Wow." "Rejected." "I went on a date with this beautiful woman, and I did not have sex with her." " Why are you looking at me like that?" " How am I looking at you?" "Like you want a reward or something." "That was very rewarding." "What is that?" "What is that?" " That's..." " It's like a lump or something." "That's my groin." "What does that mean?" " Oh, yeah." " Oh, yeah?" "I see what you mean." "You got quite a lump here." "It's grotesque." " Cancer?" " Not necessarily." "What the fuck is it?" "One very angry and swollen lymph node." "Down there?" "I keep telling him it's probably nothing, right?" "Not necessarily." "So, what are you working on these days?" "What am I working on?" "I'm working on figuring out what that fucking lump in my junk is." " That's what I'm working on." " I say we biopsy that sucker." "We'll do it right here, right now." "I'd love to, but I got a lot of important meetings and appointments, so..." " I'm a very busy man." "I got to run." " Hank, you're doing this right now." "Come on." "It'll be fun." "It won't hurt at all." "Well, that's not true." "It's gonna hurt like hell down here." " It's gonna be quick, right?" " In the whole scheme of things?" "Sure." "Over before you know it." "OK, hold up." "Hold it." "Is there time for me to get a drink?" "Can you send a man-nurse over to Gil Turner's for a bottle?" "Can I get a drink?" "For you?" "Sure." "The body of Kurt Cobain was found in a room above the garage of his fashionable Lake Washington Boulevard..." "What's wrong?" "Are you OK?" "Kurt Cobain..." "He's dead." "What?" "What happened?" "Suicide." " That's a fucking shame." " Yeah." "And I'm pregnant." "It's positive." " As in?" " As in, I'm with child." "What's so positive about that?" "Here." "Have another one." "Look." "Pee on this." "Pee on that." "We've done three, OK?" "I'm all out of pee." "Drink some water and hydrate and pee on this." " I'm pregnant." " I'm not convinced." "This is happening." "Fuck." "The rabbit done died, huh?" "All right." "OK." "What do we do now?" "Well, it's OK." "I mean, you know, I'll just take care of it, so..." "We'll take care of it." "So that's it?" "We've decided?" "That's good." "Yeah." "Well played, woman." "I now feel entirely incapable of giving you the right answer here." "Well, no." "Jesus Christ, Hank, we barely know each other, right?" "You got a girlfriend." "It's a loose arrangement." "The waify models are good that way, you know?" "And you have a boyfriend." "Let's not forget that important little factoid." "I have a boyfriend who's on tour, a boyfriend I never see, a boyfriend I think less and less about." "All right, look." "I don't want to be insensitive, all right, but are we entirely sure that this is my doing?" "Yep." "We seem pretty sure." "OK." "Most likely, it's nothing." "But what could it be?" "It's hard to say." "You could have a nasty infection somewhere." "Well, that sounds very manageable." "Absolutely." "We could probably knock that out with antibiotics." "Great." "What else?" "It could very well be an STD." " No, I don't think so." " Oh, really?" "What else?" "No, let's stay in this arena." "I want to know more." "Well, syphilis is a big one." "It's on the rise." " Syphilis." " Syphilis?" "Do you hear that?" "That's nice." "I don't see any reason that we would assume that." "It could be cancer." " It could be." " That's better than syphilis." "Woman, what is wrong with you?" "You'd rather I have cancer?" "We've got to talk about options." "I don't have any pamphlets or literature on me, but you strike me as a painfully liberal, pro-choice kind of a gal." "Who, me?" "Oh, my God, no." "I'm ultraconservative." "Like N.R.A., pro-life, the whole..." " Really?" " Yeah." "That really limits our options, but let's sit with that for a moment." "Seriously, I have been on a kind of non-abortion streak my whole life, and I feel kind of good about that, you know?" "Yeah." "I get that." "I get it." "But do you really... really want to have a child right now?" "No, not really." "You do, right?" "No." "God, no." "I mean, I am a child." "A fairly big one, you know, but when children have children, it never works out for anyone." "Especially me." "Right." "I can see it might seriously hamper your ability" " to drink and get laid on a nightly basis." " Don't worry about that." " I can multitask with the best of 'em." " Good to know." "I'm sorry that I knocked you up." "It's almost rude, right?" "You're kind enough to grant me access to your most intimate of areas, and what do I do?" "I pollinate that shit." "I really wish that one of us would have insisted on a rubber." "One of us did." " Well, not this one." " This one." "Well, I mean, let's not get all Rashômon on it." "If I re..." "OK." "Well, no, maybe I didn't insist hard enough." " Thank you." " OK, I'm not gonna press charges anymore." " Wonderful." "Look at this." " I'm just gonna shoot you." "We get along really well for a couple of virtual strangers." "For now, yeah, but give it 10 years, and I'll just be another woman that you got tired of fucking." "You know, in 10 years' time, you might very well be the love of my life." "What are you doing?" " He said today, you know?" " He said maybe today." "Today is today." "Hank." "Will you stop it?" "It's gonna be OK." "You don't know that." "Well, I do, because whatever happens, we'll get through it." "I'm gonna help you." "But it's not your problem." "We're not even together right now, so..." "I forgot what a hypochondriac drama queen you can be." "You're not the one who just had a biopsy done on your cock." "That's cos I don't have a cock." " Thank the Lord for that." " Anyway, it wasn't on your cock." "Yeah, I know, but I consider that whole area, general area, my cock." "Like, from my knees to my nipples, cock." "Well, he said it was probably just a swollen lymph node, remember?" "It could be cancer." " It could be syphilis." " Oh, shit." "Yeah." "I could wind up a blind, dickless beggar working a 405 off-ramp." "Stop by and say hi sometime." " Look who's here." " Hey, honey." "Are you OK?" "Yeah, sure." "Yes." "Why?" "Because you're here." "You've been sleeping over." "Which could mean you guys are getting back together." "Or it could mean something's wrong." "Either way, someone should grow a pair and tell me what's going on." "We're not getting back together." "And everything's fine." "Liars!" "Seriously." "What do you want to do?" "It's totally up to me?" "In a way, it is." "OK, well, I'm just gonna deal with it, you know?" "I don't really want to have a baby right now, and... judging by that huge exhalation..." "neither do you." "So, that's it." "But we can't see each other anymore." "This is no way to start a relationship." "We're both cheating on people, Hank." "It kind of sucks." "I don't want to do that." "So, you go, you know, take care of your shit, and I'll take care of mine, and if and when you want, you could call me." "That's not the way it works in the big ol' world." "People have a tendency to lose one another." "Well, if that's what happens, then it wasn't meant to be, right?" "Could you stop surfing the internet for a diagnosis?" "No way." "I know what I have without question." "What?" "Apparently, I have the bubonic plague." "Well, guess what?" "I have just the cure." "I'm gonna offer you a service." "Yeah." "Cancer-scare mercy fuck?" " You know, I'm gonna pass." " You're gonna pass?" " Yeah." " You are?" "I don't want you to be insulted, but..." "That's OK." "I can take it." "I'm gonna go take a shower." "Can I ask you, before you go, a question?" "I'm offering you sex and you want to talk?" "Has the Earth spun off its axis?" "It's just, you said that thing the other day, you know?" " What thing?" " About Ashby." " What do you mean?" " What do you mean?" "You said that thing about him being a great kisser, which kind of sounded like a joke and kind of not at the same time." "Well, it kind of was a joke and it kind of wasn't at the same time." "I mean, he did kiss me." " He's a fucking asshole." " No, not an asshole." "He's a child." "He wants what he wants, and he can't understand if he doesn't get it." "He's kind of similar to someone else I know." "There should be a lot of empathy." "You didn't answer my question." "What was the question?" "Is this something I need to worry about?" "Is something going on?" "Oh, please." "Don't you have enough to worry about right now?" "Will you please stop answering my questions with a question?" "Then stop asking me questions." "You said it." "We're not together right now." "So I don't owe you any explanation." "Come on, buddy." "Everybody has a scare or two in their life." "You remember when they took that gnarly skin tag off the base of my scrotum that time?" " That amused you greatly." " Skin tags are inherently amusing." "Yes, and disgusting." "It's the Runkle family curse." "Mad skin tags, baby." "You make me want to die." "Anyway, I remember I sweated that phone call for days, man." "You know, waiting for the results." "Marcy finally had to bitch-slap some sense into me at one point." "You will be OK." "That's what everybody says, "You'll be OK."" "And then one day the phone rings and you're not OK." "Well, yeah." "There's that." "Hey, look on the bright side." "That girl seems to be eye-raping you over there." "Who cares?" "Know how much time I've wasted on that fucking dance?" "Time I could have spent hanging with my daughter?" " You are a great father." " No!" "I'm a father." "I am not great." "A great father is a guy that gives it all up for his family and leaves his self-destructive bullshit at the door." "The self-loathing is strong in you today, my friend." "I'm like my father." "There isn't a woman that I've met that I haven't fallen in love with for 10 minutes or 10 years." "What about the one woman that threw it in with me?" "Took that massive leap of faith just to be with me?" "What did I do?" "I fucked that up." "You gave it a shot, man." " Did I?" " Yeah." "Did I do my absolute best or did I just want someone I didn't have?" "Is the chase better than the catch?" "And other some such clichéd, masculine bullshit." "There is no absolute best, Hank." "You know, I really envy your relationship with Marce." "You know, it's..." "It's like it's indestructible." "Teflon marriage." "Maybe." "Doesn't mean I don't want things." "Yeah, but you know what you have." "I don't know." "Faced with my own mortality, I might rather be elsewhere." "With Daisy maybe." "That's just the mindfuck of the fresh." "That's an illusion." "That's just new pussy talking to you." "What if it's not, huh?" "Runkle, you better watch your fucking ass or I will have your balls, skin tags and all." " Doctor?" " No." "It's Ashby." "Fuck him." "You want me to leave the water running?" "There's still some hot left." "Yeah, OK, OK." "Hey, beautiful." "What's up with Moody?" "Haven't seen him for days." "He's not picking up, returning my calls." "He OK?" "Yeah." "Yeah, he..." " No." "He's got some stuff going on." " Anything I can do?" "No." "I mean, you know, he kind of wants to know what's going on with us, which is, like..." " Oh, yeah?" " Yeah." "What is going on with us?" "I told him you were a great kisser, which was kind of dumb." "Well, that is somewhat incendiary." " And yet completely true." " I wouldn't know." "No, he..." "It kind of pissed him off." " Really?" "You don't say?" " Right." "You know, I was seeing this guy when I first met Hank, and he kind of reminds me of you." " Oh, yeah?" " Yeah." " What was he like?" " He was simple." "Simple?" "Like, retarded?" "Yeah." "No." "No, good." "Really good simple." "I mean, he was..." "He loved music, he smiled a lot." "Stop it." "Kind of like he had the secret, you know?" " Which is what?" " I guess..." "Take the thing you love and make it your life." " So, we should kiss?" " No." "Are you insane?" "Do you have no memory?" "Fucker!" "Hank, no!" "Hank!" "God!" "Hank, stop!" "Oh, shit!" "OK!" "OK!" "OK." "I'm out." "Bitch!" "What are you doing?" "What are you doing?" "Come on." "You're behaving like a child." "Moody!" "Hank!" "Get off of him!" "Hank Moody, Dr. Reiss calling." "Give me a call at the office." "Hey!" "Hello?" "Hello?" "Fuck!" "Peace." "That's great, Marce." "Yes." "I accept your apology." "I'm all for the 12 steps." "Love 'em." "Can't get enough of 'em." "Wish there were more." "Sounds great." "Can't wait to see you." "Love you too, baby." "Bye." "Hey." ""Hey" yourself." " I thought I might find you here." " Well, you could've just called." "I just didn't want to do this over the phone." "I found a place." "So you're moving out?" "It's a cute place." "It's just a single, but it's in Santa Monica." "It's pretty close to the water and close to yoga." "There's something else I wanted to tell you." "And I hope you're not mad." "But I don't want to do any more porn." "I think I'm out." "Really?" "But you're so good at it." "I don't know, Vaginatown was special." "I mean, this whole thing was special." "And, you know, if I can't actually be with you, Charlie..." "I'd kind of like the last person I had on-screen sex with to be you." "That's, like, one of the nicest things anyone's ever said to me." "And yet totally gross for you." "What are you gonna do?" "Temp, waitress..." "But I'm gonna take acting classes." "And maybe some improv." "I know I've got an uphill battle ahead of me." "What with the fisting and all." " Exactly." " Yeah." "But it's worth it cos I really want this." "Well, I'll still manage you if you'll have me." "Are you sure that's such a good idea?" "No." "But the thought of never seeing you again sounds like a much, much worse idea." "Maybe I could see your place sometime." "I'd like that." "Maybe I could see it now." "Well, I'd like that even more." " Sorry about your cock." " It's not my cock." "Doesn't matter." "You should have told me." " I trained as a paramedic." "I could've helped." " Oh, yeah?" "Like how?" "I don't know." "I could've... felt around, put your mind at ease." "Maybe next time." "Look, I'm sorry I kissed your old lady." "I'm sorry I kissed yours." " You fucking asshole." "Did you penetrate?" " Did I go inside?" "No." "Friends don't let friends bang each other's soul mates." "A- fucking-men to that." "Be good." " Sorry about the mess." " It's OK." "Hank, you're my best friend." "I would never, ever fuck someone to get back at you." "I know." "That's the thing." "If you fuck someone, you really want to." "That's what scares me." "Well, what do you really want?" "I mean, how do you want this to end?" "I want to keep doing this for as much time as we have left." "Not, not cleaning up." "This." "Isn't that, like, what we've been doing?" "Well, I don't know if we have." "We've talked about it endlessly, and we've listed all the reasons why it's not possible, but what if all those reasons just magically went away?" "That's the problem." "They never do." "OK, you've got one month left." "What do you do?" " How do you spend it?" " With Becca." "No Hank in there?" "I don't fit in anywhere in there?" "No Hank?" "Maybe a couple of days." "Fair enough, but for me..." "I want you there at the end." "I want those eyes to be the last thing that I see." " You know what it is about Lew?" " No." "I don't." "He made a choice." "He chose art." "He made that his life." "And that's OK, that's valid." "But with you..." "You can't figure out who you want to be, you know?" "It's your indecision that paralyzes you and hurts us, Hank." "I can feel your restlessness." "I mean, a moment like this, yeah, you want me, you want us." "And then that moment passes, and you become like this ghost." "14 years ago, "I love you" was more than enough." "I mean, it was almost revolutionary." "And now..." "I don't know." "They're just words." "I mean, I know you mean them, but..." "Hank, I don't know what they mean to you." "You want to be saved?" "Hello?" "Hey, Dr. Reiss." "How are you?" "OK." "All right." "Well..." "Thank you." " What?" " You were right." " What?" " Syphilis." " Bullshit." " It's benign." "You know, just..." "Antibiotics is all I need, and then..." " I'm gonna be OK." " That's fantastic." "You're OK." "For now." " Want to give me that..." " No." " .. post-cancer-scare mercy fuck now?" " No." "It's too late." "So, this is it, I guess?" "I guess so." "Yeah." " Can I call you?" " No." "No, really, I'd rather you didn't." "Well, will you call me, you know, just to... let me know you're OK?" "Yeah." "I'll call you." "No, you won't..." "But I get it." "It was..." "It was..." "It was awfully nice sharing this most unpleasant of milestones with you." "Yeah." "Same here." "Don't get lost out there, OK?" "Hank!" "I was gonna go check out that vigil of Kurt Cobain." "I don't know." "Did you want to come?" " The Cobain vigil?" " Yeah." "Well, I got a vigil that I was already..." "No, seriously." " Yeah?" " Yeah." "I don't know if you know this about me, but I love vigils." "I kind of guessed that." "Dear Karen:" "If you're reading this, it means I actually worked up the courage to mail it." "So, good for me." "You don't know me very well, but if you get me started," "I have a tendency to go on and on about how hard the writing is for me." "But this... this is the hardest thing I've ever had to write." "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just say it." "I met someone." "It was an accident." "I wasn't looking for it." "I wasn't on the make." "It was a perfect storm." "She said one thing." "I said another." "Next thing I knew, I wanted to spend the rest of my life in the middle of that conversation." "Now there's this feeling in my gut." "She might be the one." "She's completely nuts in a way that makes me smile." "Highly neurotic." "A great deal of maintenance required." "She is you, Karen." "That's the good news." "The bad is that I don't know how to be with you right now." "And that scares the shit out of me." "Because if I'm not with you right now," "I have this feeling we'll get lost out there." "It's a big, bad world full of twists and turns, and people have a way of blinking and missing the moment... the moment that could've changed everything." "I don't know what's going on with us, and I can't tell you why you should waste a leap of faith on the likes of me... but, damn, you smell good, like home." "And you make excellent coffee." "That's got to count for something, right?" "Call me." "Unfaithfully yours, Hank Moody." "Rip:" "DevilsBackbone"