" Last night on "Roast Battle II"..." " Snoop, I was wondering can I be your second gay friend after Dr. Dre?" " We ignited a war of the words." " You look like MTV2 became a man." " This looks like every couple fighting outside of Planned Parenthood." " Jay, why are your lips so big?" "Are they irritated from constantly shushing black people?" " How do you like Yamie's look?" "She calls it Brokeblack Mountain." " I'm glad that Kurt's here 'cause I didn't know this roast was gonna be open casket." " And when the smoke cleared, Anthony Jeselnik..." " That is some punk rock shit." " And Snoop Dogg..." " Whoo, this shit off the mother[bleep] hood." "Man, I like this show, Jeff." " Crushed a few dreams." " Leah, you should be ashamed of yourself." " And kept four dreams alive." " Frank Castillo." "Anna Valenzuela." "Joe Dosch wins." "Yamaneika Saunders." " Tonight, eight more comics step into the arena, and our guest judges, Whitney Cummings and Ken Jeong, will decide who takes one step closer to roasting glory." " This show is really [bleep] mean, Jeff." " No, I really [bleep] with this show, man." " This is "Roast Battle II:" "War of the Words."" " ♪ We got them rabid for battle ♪ [echoing]" "♪ We got them rabid for battle ♪ [echoing]" "♪ We got them rabid for battle ♪ audience: [chanting] Battle!" "[cheers and applause]" " Yeah!" "How the [bleep] are you, roast fans?" "[cheers and applause]" "Last night was mean and mindboggling." "I predict tonight will be even meaner and more mind-boggling." "It's gonna be insane." "The competition, the bracket is so hard." "Tonight's gonna be a bigger bloodbath than the porter Johns at the women's march." "The brutality continues tonight with eight new competitors squaring off right here in the "Roast Battle" arena on the Sunset Strip." "[cheers and applause]" "Yeah." "Now, more than ever, what we all need is "Roast Battle,"" "because instead of trolling people online, we're trolling them straight to their horrible faces the way God intended." "[cheers and applause]" "As always, I've invited some of my most honest and funny friends to help judge." "There she is, sitting pretty, one of the top comics, a great roaster, the most famous Whitney who hasn't drowned in a bathtub," "Whitney Cummings." "[cheers and applause]" " All right, well, you look fantastic." "Thank you for being here." " Thank you, I agree." " Sitting next to her, you know him from "The Hangover" movies and from his popular sitcom he modestly named after himself, but I" " What's up, what's up, what's up?" "[cheers and applause]" " That's how you know him." "I know him from my last rectal exam." "Say "herro" to my little friend," "Dr. Ken Jeong." " Thank you, love you." "Love The Wave." "Love The Wave!" "Whoo!" "Whoo!" "No!" "You [bleep] A!" " Thank you for coming, buddy." " Thank you, brother." " I just want all the girls here to know" "I learned this the hard way, Dr. Ken is not a gynecologist." "Do not listen to him." " [laughing]" " Well, listen, tonight's competitors are backstage ready to go." "Are you all ready to go?" "Then make it loud." "Our referee, Brian mother[bleep] Moses." "[cheers and applause]" " Battle!" "audience: [chanting] Battle!" " There it is." "audience: [chanting] Battle!" " Hey, city of broken dreams, night two, "Roast Battle II."" "Let's get down to business." "Your first roaster is someone we brought back from last season's "Roast Battle."" "She's our youngest battler." "She's barely legal." "And was barely able to battle last time because she fell off the stage and needed 34 stitches in her leg." "From Orange County, give it up for Olivia Grace." "[rock music]" "♪♪" "Aww." "[chuckles]" "They love you, Courtney Lovehandles." "Olivia's opponent is overweight, he's bisexual, and he saw his mother have sex... with more than one person... at the same time." "Terrifying." "He's from Orange County, yet he's shaped like a pear." "Give it up for the nightmare," "Keith Carey." "[sultry music]" "♪♪" "Wow." "[cheers and applause]" "Okay." "Wow." " [chuckles]" " Wow, what an entrance." " You know me." "I had to bring a snack." "[laughter]" " Good for you." "So happy to see both of you." "You look fantastic." "I thought you both died in the chocolate factory, but here you are." "[laughter]" "Oh, thanks, Wave." "all:" "Whoa!" " Love you, buddy." " Yeah." "This is a high-ass [bleep] crazy crowd tonight, man." "I love it." " Yeah!" "Yeah!" "[cheers and applause]" " Whoo!" " If you've ne-- audience: [chanting] Battle!" " Yeah." "If you've never seen-- audience: [chanting] Battle!" "I love it." "If you've never seen our show before, these are two of the best battlers in Los Angeles." "You're also, I believe long-time friends." "You used to be roommates, something like that." " No, I used to drive Keith to open mics all the time." " Somebody had to teach her how to be funny." " Oh, shit." " Here we go." " All right, well, I predict a very intense battle." "Have fun, both of you." " Yes." "This is the battle for insulin, but let's get you the rules first." "First rule of "Roast Battle," nothing's off limits except for physical contact, so please don't touch each other." "Second rule, original material only." "Third rule, at the end of every battle, we hug." "[crowd reacts]" "Whatever." "It's one round, it's four jokes." "Who wants it first?" " I mean, it looks like you kind of already shot your load, so I guess I'll go first." " Oh!" "Let's get to it." " Okay." " Olivia, Keith, let's roast!" "[bell dinging]" " Keith calls his feet mom and dad because he hasn't seen them in years." "[laughter]" " Olivia got a DUI with me in the car." "She tried to get out of it by showing the cop her tits, and he upped the charge to assaulting an officer." "[laughter]" " Uh, yeah, Keith was there for my DUI arrest, but no one will be there for Keith's cardiac arrest." "[laughter] [chainsaw buzzing]" " Yeah, oh, okay, I'm fat, but I least I'm fat correctly." "Olivia's the only person who ever had the cocaine go straight to her thighs." "You goofy bitch, you look like Amy Schumer exploded." "[laughter]" " Ugh." "Keith is such a disgusting sewer monster, if he swallowed Drano, he'd just cure his sleep apnea." "[laughter]" " Olivia's sister has Down's Syndrome, which means her parents have two lumpy retards that aren't gonna live past 35." "[audience reacts]" " Last joke." " Keith is so fat and pretentious, if you say he's got a big ego, he says," ""Uh, it's pronounced Eggo."" "[laughter]" " Olivia Grace was raped by a black man, and that's terrible, but on the plus side, now all we owe him is those 40 acres." "[audience reacts] [bell dinging]" " That's it, first fight, first round." "Keith, Olivia, make it loud." "[cheers and applause]" "Whoo!" "Jeff?" " Un[bleep] believable way to start this battle tonight." "Amazing." "Give both of them a round of applause." "[cheers and applause]" " Yes." "That battle had bars." "Whoo." "Snickers bars." " I don't know whether it was the eggman or the walrus that won this one, but..." "Which one to coo-coo kachoose, Whitney?" " Um, well, first of all, Olivia, I've seen you before." "And I'm so impressed by you." "You're 21 years old." "Is that true?" " Yeah." "[cheers and applause]" "I feel like I better rush this." "I know you have an abortion to get to." "You remind me a lot of me, like, at 21, like, just crying inside instead of outside." " I'm so glad you noticed." " Yeah, shit's about to get real in, like, five years, life's gonna [bleep] you up real bad." "But, um," " Thank you so much." "I love your--you have a levity and I think like all comics, you use humor to survive really traumatizing things, and I admire that about you, and I-I" " Thank you." " Yeah, thank you, one person." "You're a warrior, and I think it takes joking about things like this, sometimes, is the most healing thing that you can do." "And I admire you." "You're a brilliant joke writer." "So sharp." "I also love what you do with silences." "You have this kind of, you know, chill vibe about you." "Maybe it's just 'cause you're so traumatized and full of sadness." " Probably." " But it comes off in a really powerful way that it makes me proud to be a woman, so I like watching you work." " Thank you." "Keith, I was reading, Keith, that you're a bisexual, which I assume means you need to buy sex." "crowd:" "Oh!" " All right." "Thank--thank you least funny aunt on Facebook." " [laughing]" " Wow." "[thunder]" "It's one of your jokes that he used." " No, I got it." "No, I got it." "No." "No, I'm a huge fan and I was gonna say just like I admire Olivia's ability to receive those jokes, your courage to say those jokes, that's almost just as difficult, so you have [bleep] balls." "I can't--I don't think anyone can see them." "But you have them." " He doesn't need them." " And I admire that." "I think both of you are forces to be reckoned with." "I am gonna vote for Olivia." " Ken, what do you think?" " This is a great first battle, and Keith I'm a big fan of because as an actor, as a performer, I love your delivery." "It's just machine gun." "It's just how I like my standup, and I just love how paced you are and your delivery, like, and both of you, I don't know, you guys were really going at it," "and I thought in the very beginning it was pretty neck and neck, and watching Olivia," "I have a soft spot for you because last year, watching you in the wheelchair, I--just to--I'm sorry." "I would not have done the [bleep] competition if I had lacerated my leg and getting 35 stitches." "And the fact that you did it last year, where in my medical opinion, you probably shouldn't." "like, it's so [bleep] boss to me." "Like, I--and you're only 20." "I later found out you're only 20." "And I just have so much respect for you just person to person." "What I love about you, Olivia, in particular, you didn't go for just kind of the hacky fat joke." "You went--you did--you went obstructive sleep apnea, so as a doctor, that-- I got it and I loved it." "You went off the cuff on the cardiac arrest, at least to me it came off off the cuff on the DUI." "By like a Chow pubic hair, maybe," "Olivia Grace wins just-- but it's so close." "And I--it's so hard to even say it because both of you got-- you're thoroughbreds." " Damn you, Hacky Chan!" " I know, I deserve it." " I love you both." "Olivia Grace, congratulations." " Olivia Grace wins!" "Hug each other." "Battle!" "audience: [chanting] Battle!" " Yeah, Battle!" " When I'm not sleeping while he talks, I'll just wake up after he says something, you know, out of a coma, and then I'll just go at him." " My act is usually insulting Jessica Kirson anyway, so there's no adjustments." " I thought it was my duty for all women to tell him he's an asshole." " I'll be all right if I don't win, but I will win." "audience: [chanting] Battle!" " Hey, welcome back to "Roast Battle."" "Keep it going for our firing squad." "Roastmaster General Jeffrey Ross.," "Whitney, Cummings, Dr. Ken Jeong, and over there on the left topping turntables, it's our favorite human teddy bear, DJ Coach Tea." "[cheers and applause]" "Our next competitor is a highly respected name in New York comedy." "She's a scene-stealer in the new Robert De Niro movie," ""The Comedian" written by our man, Jeff Ross." "She's out, she's proud, and she's very loud," "Jessica Kirson." "[upbeat music]" "♪♪" "Whoa." "Her opponent is a legend to any comic you talk to." "You've seen him in "Louie,"" "you've seen him in "The Wrestler,"" "now he's here to battle in our ring." "Give it up for the soft-spoken sniper, it's Todd Barry." "[rock music]" "♪" " Thank you." "Wow." " This is royalty up here, Jeff." "Todd's been making fun of me my entire career." "I love the fact that you're in the arena now, Todd." "This is the greatest." " I love the fact that you think this is an arena." "[laughter]" " Whoo." "Jessica, you gotta [bleep] this guy up for me." "Come on." "You look like a divorced couple forced to go to your kid's graduation." " Listen, comedians, it's one round, it's four jokes." "Who wants to go first?" " I'm gonna let, I mean, Jessica go first." " Let me?" "What, are you [bleep] kidding me?" " Yeah, no, that came out" " I'll go first." "I can handle it." " Let's roast!" "[bell dinging]" " Todd, you look like a jockey that [bleep] its own horse." "[crowd reacts]" " Fair enough." "[laughter]" " Jessica, people say you yell a lot on stage because you don't have any jokes, and that's not fair." "Because you also make funny faces on stage because you don't have any jokes." "[laughter]" " It's called entertainment." "Todd, you're the only man I know that looks like a pedophile and a child." "[laughter] [helicopter whirring]" " I don't know if you guys know this about Jessica, but her stepbrother is the actor Zach Braff." "Yeah." "They're not blood relatives, but they do share that special bond that two people have when they're both equally untalented." "[crowd reacts]" " Todd... you make me sick." "I, uh, I can't even look at you, really." "I mean, Todd's balding, but it's just because his hair saw his face and got scared." "[crowd reacts]" " Jessica... another fact about Jessica, she was hired to be a consultant on that Robert De Niro movie, "The Comedian."" "Apparently she was especially helpful during the bombing every night dream sequence." "[laughter]" " Last joke." " This is my last joke?" "[chuckles]" " Could you guys slow it down a little bit?" " I'm sorry." "He has no energy." "I feed off of energy." "It's like [bleep] taking Ambien." " You're killing it." "It's great." " All right." " [laughing]" " A lot of people don't recognize Todd on the road because he's always so far up Louis C.K.'s ass." "[crowd reacts]" " Was that the whole joke?" "[laughter]" "I feel like that needed one more line." "[laughter]" " If you're wondering what it's like to see Jessica do comedy, imagine being yelled at by a dominatrix you're not attracted to... in a dungeon that also sells chicken fingers." "[bell ringing] [farting]" "[bell dinging]" " That's it." "Todd Barry, Jessica Kirson." "You make some noise." "[cheers and applause]" " Whoo, two of my favorites." "Some real New York attitude out here tonight." "What do you guys think?" " Ken, can you go first, please?" " Sure, again--again, I'm just big fans of both of you guys." "I really am." " I was gonna say that too." " [laughing]" "And again, to me the way-- at the beginning, just like the last battle, it started out pretty equal the first two jokes, and but to cut to the chase," "I mean, I just think Todd, for me, and it's not the fact that he is a legend, but even if I didn't know who he was," "I think the third and fourth jokes, he just-- he just eked out ahead and it was just funnier and funnier." "And it was a close call, especially at the very beginning, but I-I love you guys both, and-- but I-I do have to give it to Todd." "But, Jessica, you're amazing." " Thank you." " And I'm a fan of yours too." " Awesome." " Todd's up one." "Whit?" " Thank you, hi." "That was so fun to watch." "You guys are so rad." "I will just start with Jessica." "The pedophile and child joke is one of the best jokes" "I've heard." " Oh, thank you." " Hands down, I also" "I don't even know if this is a joke, but there's something so funny to me about," ""You make me sick." It's just" " I didn't plan that, but I just--yes." " It's so weird, like, your inner monologue just kinda came out." "Todd, you're a legend, but you saying, "Fair enough," really got me." "I've never heard someone agree with a roast joke before." "And that just kind of an amazing way to deflect something." "I loved your nonchalance kind of, like, deconstruction of the whole thing like, when you were like, "Jessica," as if no one knew who you were talking to." " I don't think they did, actually." " Yeah." "[laughter]" " He's jealous." " Oh, wait, we're done." "I'm sorry." "We were done with that." " I am a sneaky, sneaky bitch, so I'm gonna pick Jessica." "[crowd reacts]" " Uh-oh." "Well, it all comes down to you, Jeff." " Jessica, the jockey that [bleep] his own horse." "You had a killer, killer joke." "That was so funny." "You really are one of my favorite ball busters," "Jessica Kirson." "Todd Barry, you went so personal and so deep." "It was really fun to see your inner [bleep] venom flying out tonight." "And this makes me so happy seeing you smile." "I haven't seen you smile in, like, 15 [bleep] years." "Look at you." " Will you cut this part out?" "[laughter]" " I think overall, Jessica was great, but I thought Todd was more consistent and your jokes were super original." "Congratulations, Todd Barry." " Winner, moving on to the next round," "Todd Barry!" "They hugged each other." "audience: [chanting] Battle!" " Alex is the first person that ever made me think that Down Syndrome was a lifestyle." " He sucks." "He's a terrible comedian." "New York always thinks they're more pure than LA is." " Alex is from Baltimore." "He should have moved to New York, but he wants to wear dresses, so he moved to LA." " I mean, we're putting on a show, right?" "[hip-hop techno music playing]" " ♪ We got them rabid for battle ♪" " Hey!" "Make some sounds with your hands and mouth, Los Angeles!" "[cheers and applause]" " Well." " Whoo!" "In our first battle, we saw Olivia Grace eke by Keith Carey to move on to the next round, and in our second battle, we saw Todd Barry beat Jessica Kirson." "Now Olivia is set to face Todd Barry in the quarterfinals Saturday night." "[cheers and applause]" "But we got more battles, like, right now." "Are you ready for the next one?" "[cheers and applause]" "Our next battler's dad is a dead cop." " He works in a slaughter house and he's from New Jersey, which means" "God hates him." "Please welcome Scott Chaplain." "[cheers and applause] [indie rock music]" "♪" "His opponent's from Baltimore and his skin is grittier than an episode of "The Wire."" "It's his dream to be here, but he's the stuff of nightmares." "Keep it going for Alex Hooper!" "[cheers and applause] [industrial grunge music playing]" "♪" "Yeah." "That's a real thing happening." "Whoo." "The Dude lives." " What the [bleep] was tha-- that's the most elaborate coming out of the closet" "I have ever seen in my-- you gotta give people lollipops?" "Just say, "Hey, I suck dick."" "Say, "Hey, I suck dick,"" "and everyone goes, "Yeah, it's LA." " Ooh, Moses." " Yes?" " This is what happens when you swipe all the way to the end of Tinder." "[laughter] [cheers and applause]" "Great." " Or all the way to the front of Grindr." "[laughs]" " Oh!" " Oh." "This is two home run hitters." "If you haven't seen these two guys battle, you're really into something super vicious." "East Coast Versus West Coast." "Go [bleep] crazy, fellas." " All right." "[cheers and applause]" "All right." "It's one round, it's four jokes." "Who wants it first, gentlemen?" " Oh, I'll take it first." " Oh, all right." "Well, I was gonna do it, but okay." " Ooh, okay." "Before, After, let's roast!" "[bell dinging] [cheers and applause]" " When I found out I was battling Scott," "I reached out to his ex-girlfriend to ask why she cheated on him." ""Is it because he's poor, he's Jersey trash," ""he's boring, he's racist," ""he's homophobic, he's bad in bed, he's a genuine all-around sorry excuse for a human being?"" "She said, "No, no." "I just wanted to [bleep] someone funny."" "[laughter, cheers, and applause] [eerie conspiratorial music playing]" "♪ [rumbling, glass shattering]" " Really?" "Really, LA?" "Really?" "Okay, okay." "I'm--I'm not boring, by the way." "Um, um, all right, nutsack face." "Uh, let's give it up for Alex, everybody." "He's fantastic." "I am so surprised he made it here since clearly he was pulled from a clown car fire recently." " Thank you." " Oh, okay, I [bleep] up." "I [bleep] up." "Okay, it's okay." "I [bleep] it up." " That's okay, Mundane Cook." " [laughs] Oh, God, he got me." "I shit the bed already." "It's all good, baby, baby." " Scott's sister is an adult entertainer." " No." " Scott is neither of those things." "[laughter] [bleep]sucker." "You gotta give it to him when you gotta give it to him." "[car alarm blaring, horn honking]" " Sure, Alex looks like Carrot Top if he was drawn by Stephen Hawking." "[laughter]" "When Scott was seven, he watched a man die at a water park..." " Damn, that's tragic." "[bleep]" " But hey, at least that guy could draw a crowd." "[laughter and applause]" "Who the [bleep] is this?" " Oh, Waldo." "Oh, man." " There he is." " That's a great detail about me." "Uh, Alex's mother is here." "If we could get a camera on the old bitch." "Uh..." "[laughter]" "Ma'am, I just have a question." "Is it true that Alex was the ugliest part of your divorce?" "[laughter]" " Oh!" "[helicopter blades whirring]" " Last joke." " Scott had a twin brother who died in the womb." "Scott, you're so bad at comedy, you don't just walk audiences, you make them drip down your mother's leg." "audience:" "Oh!" " Damn." "[dramatic music playing." "jackhammer rattling] [sirens blaring]" "♪" " It was very good." "[tires squealing, crash]" "Uh, well, I'm glad camera's are here." "Uh, in conclusion, Alex" "Alex has taken ecstasy." " Many times." " I'm--I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." "No, no, no, I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." "He's taken his ex, Stacy." "She has been missing for three years, and all leads point to Alex." "Please tell us where Stacy is." "The family deserves answers." " I took too many drugs." "I forget." " Okay." "[bell dinging]" " Yeah!" " [grunts]" " Yeah!" "That's Alex." "That's Scott." "That was brilliance." "Battle, battle, battle." "Jeff, what'd you think?" " Love both of these guys." "Look at you." "After all that, you're gonna be friends after this." " Sure, yeah." " It's just for the cameras." " He called his mother an old bitch." "I doubt that." "[laughter]" " Oh, roasting brings people together." "That was highly entertaining." "Scott, you had a hard time." "You were on the ropes from the beginning, but you kept swinging." "You came back real nice." " Thank you." " Alex, I mean, I don't even know what to say." "You're operating on another level right now." "I been watching you do these battles for a couple years now." "You're getting better and better and better, and I don't know." "I think you could win this competition, so..." " You better because I need to lose to the winner." " [laughs] [cheers and applause]" " You got my vote, Alex, right out of the gate." " Eh, [bleep] your mother, Jeff." " All right, one for Alex." " Thank you." " Whoo, hi, guys." " Hi, Whitney." " Uh--hi, hi." "I love you both." "I've seen both of you before..." " Oh, thank you." " And, uh-- and I feel like this was-- maybe it's 'cause I'm-- I'm a girl, but this one felt a little rough for me." "[laughter] Uh, I felt like I was-- it--what?" "These [bleep] assholes." " Rough how?" "What do you mean?" " I--it was--it felt like there was a lack of, like, levity in this one." "So I guess I felt like the jokes were there." "I felt like there was some performance stuff where I felt like you guys were actually mad at each other, and I--maybe that's just me being hypersensitive, but I was, like--I feel like so much of the roast is that" "we actually all love each other and we're all-- we check in with each other and, like, laugh, so I felt like I was missing a little of that, and then, Scott, you taught everyone" "how precise you have to be with the-- if you [bleep] stutter the tiniest bit..." " Yeah, yeah." " The best joke in the world" " It was the last minute." "I wasn't gonna use that one and I used it and I shit the [bleep] bed, Whit." " But I see past it and I know that was a great joke..." " Thank you." " And it's happened to me before, but I'm still not gonna give it to you, and I'm sorry." " Well, go [bleep] yourself." " That's the worst thing I could say." "I know, but I-- that's not your fault." "It [bleep] happens to the best of everybody." "Alex, uh, great job." "Whatever the [bleep] you're doing." " Thank you." " Your round, baby." "[cheers and applause]" " Ken." " Okay, anyway, [bleep] you." " What do you think, Ken?" " No, I-I totally agree." "I--actually both of you guys did amazing." "Scott, to me, to ac-- I've never seen someone roast another person's mother and have the ball-- that is--that is how you do that." "Yes, you started out slow at the gate, but you did-- but you really just went for it." " Scott and my mom" " Shut up, bitch!" "Jesus Christ, you old [bleep]!" " Oh, it's not a roast." "She just has to shut the [bleep] up." "Oh, okay." " Scott and my mom have a lot in common." "She's incontinent and his jokes are as strong as his Kegel muscles." " You won already." "Shut up." "Shut the [bleep] up." " But, Alex, I agree." "You're operating on another level." " He won." "Why's he talking?" " You're confidant." " What the [bleep] is that?" " You're just in--you're in some sort of [bleep] zone and everyone loves it and, yeah, you-- you deserve to win tonight." "Great job, Scott." " Absolutely." " The winner:" "Alex Hooper!" " I--to add to that" " Go to anger management, Scott." "Get anger management." "[laughs]" "Battle!" "Battle!" " I loved the show last season." "I was jealous as all shit, and I sat at home with my dick in my hand wishing I could be on this [bleep] show." " He's a weird guy, but a nice guy, and I wanna make him hurt emotionally." " I've heard every single angle of a fat guy who goes to Hot Topic." " He's just an easy target." "He looks like George R. R. Martin ate a bunch of ranch dressing." "audience: [chanting] Battle!" "[hip-hop techno music]" " You guys ready for the last battle?" "[cheers and applause]" "Wonderful." "Our next battlers the top ranked battler on the East Coast." "He's been in several horror movies, and that's just when he FaceTime's with his parents." "It's the girthy goth, Zac Amico." "[cheers and applause] [dramatic rock music]" " I will [bleep] gobble you!" "Whoo!" "♪" " [laughing]" "What up, fat Beetlejuice?" " How you doing, brother?" " Good to see you." "You're next battler is another redemption story." "He lost a close fight to eventual champion Mike Lawrence last season." "He has a 1/2 hour here on Comedy Central, and is way too good looking to be here right now." "Keep it going for the Hunky Honky," "Matthew Broussard." "[cheers and applause] [techno music]" "♪" "Whoo." "[laughs]" " [laughs] What the [bleep] is this?" " Yeah, I-- [laughter]" " Holy shit." "I'm ugly, huh?" "[laughter]" " Zac, you look like you sell heroine to the Statue of Liberty." "[laughter]" "This looks like Zac Amico versus Zack from "Saved By the Bell."" "[laughter]" "These are two home run hitters." " Class." " One is super mean, one is super clever." "I saved this for last for a reason." "This is gonna be a bloodbath." " Oh, they're gonna know." " Have fun, fellas." " Yes." "You know the rules." "Four jokes." "Who wants it first?" " I'm gonna go first." " All right." "Let's do it." "Let's roast!" "[bell dinging] [cheers and applause]" " Matthew is in a long-distance relationship." "His girlfriend lives in Texas, and he lives in denial about his homosexuality." "[laughter]" "Matthew's gonna be harder to haul out of the closet than Robin Williams rigor-mortis-ridden corpse." "audience:" "Oh." "[scattered laughter]" " That was a good one, Bi Fieri." "You, uh-- [laughter]" "You look like if Michael Moore got gang banged by Juggalos." "[laughter] [glass shatters] [cheers and applause] ["Hail to the Chief" playing]" "♪ [laughs]" " Matthew is Jewish and looks like the bad guy from every '80s movie." "He's like the leader of Cobra [bleep]... [laughter]" "But the difference is, in a Jewish '80s movie, they never take over the camp and the shower scene's always at the end." "audience:" "Oh." "[scattered laughter]" " That's fair." "[gun cocks]" "I like your hair, by the way." "I've never seen a pedophile go Super Saiyan, so that's really cool." "audience:" "Oh!" "[gunshots] [cheers, laughter, and applause] [electronic dance music]" "♪" " [laughs] [audience shouts and cheers]" " Matthew gave up on a promising career as a financial analyst to be an anonymous comedian on MTV2." "[scattered laughter]" "The only people in his industry who were more left in the dust were the ones who worked at the World Trade Center." "[bell rings] audience:" "Oh..." " Zac, uh, I admire you." "You're a very busy guy." "You're not only a comedian, you're in a metal band, and you produce horror films." "The only thing harder working than Zac is his left ventrical." "audience:" "Oh!" "Now, Zac doesn't have a lot of TV credits, but he does manage to have a big draw." "Not, like, fans, but an actual measurable gravitational field." "In fact, Zac is so massive that as you approach his surface, time contracts, which explains why his career is going nowhere." "[audience roars] [baby crying, alarm blaring]" "audience: [chanting] Battle!" " Last joke." " Matthew Broussard is an emotionless monster." " [laughs]" " I mean... he just lost his dad to Parkinson's and Matthew is still somehow harder to read than his father's hand-written will." "audience:" "Oh!" "[air raid siren blaring]" " You're right, my father did die from Parkinsons's, but your mother is alive and works at Olive Garden." "So at least when my dad's hand shook, it wasn't to sprinkle Parmesan." "[laughter and applause] [bell dinging]" " All right, I'm going." "That's it." "Last battle of the night." "Zac Amico." "Matthew Broussard." "You already get it." "[whistling]" " [laughs]" " Give it up for these two battlers tonight." "Zac Amico and Matthew Broussard." " [mouthing]" " Hitting homers." "[cheers and applause]" "Great, great stuff." "Dr. Ken, Whitney, how you feeling about this epic final battle of the night?" " Oh, I mean, it was a-- Zac was amazing." "I just love the fact that he just went for it right from the start with-- with Robin Williams, with Cobra--everything was" "I just love the fact that he went for it, but, Matthew, man, that was killer." "4 for 4, and it just got funnier and funnier." "The whole left ventrical/gravity thing..." " Oh, of course." "[laughs]" " That--that was a thing of beauty." "I don't know what to say, Matthew." " Oh, you like the science and medical jokes, did you, Doctor ?" " Those check out?" " Uh, uh, yes, I did." "Yes, I did." "Westside, bitch." "Yes, I did." "[laughter and applause]" "I'm a doctor... from Hollywood!" "[laughter]" " Um, wow." "You know, Matthew," "I-I didn't want you to be as good as you were." "I feel like you've been genetically blessed and it's--it's like your-- your face, your ha-- you're like what Hitler wanted." "[laughter]" " And I'm what he got." "[laughter and applause]" " Um..." " [laughs]" " Uh, you know, I-- you really played to the top of your intelligence, and I really appreaciate that." "You know, you gave the audience the benefit of the doubt." "You're really sophisticated humor." "I really appreaciate that." "Zac, it was interesting 'cause you had brilliant jokes and I don't think they got the-- what they deserved, and I think maybe Robin Williams, that was a little too emotional for me to be able to laugh," "uh, and also World Trade Center." "I feel like there's a more recent disaster." "I think it was just, like, not" " You talking about your hairdo?" " We're-- audience:" "Ooh!" "[bomb explodes]" " Boom, boom." " Battle, batt" " Ah, ah!" "[air raid siren wailing] [metal music]" "♪" " ♪ I am a real American" "♪" "Let me tell you something, brother." "All right." " It's great to see Hulk Hogan hanging out with black guys again." "[laughter] all:" "Whoa!" "[gun cocks]" " I'm gonna go with Matthew." "I am." " Jeff, make it official, please." " Zac Amico, you are a punk rock comedian." "I love the way you bring it." "You just, like-- you throw yourself out there." "You have no shame." "I heard you once did a naked roast battle." "Was that true?" " Yeah, I hosted the first ever naked roast battle in New York City." " Really?" " Yes." " Was the room cold?" "Or how was it?" " Unfortunately, it wouldn't made much of a difference." "[laughter]" " Matthew, I wanted you to do this tournament because I feel like you got knocked out too soon in the last tournament." "I think you are the type of guy who is just gonna be a huge star." "So congratulations, Matthew." " Thank you, Jeff." " Hey." " Great work tonight." " Hey, man, thank you so much." " Beauty wins." "Matthew Broussard!" "Hug each other." "Hug each other." "[hip-hop music playing]" "Stick around." "There's still more to come." "I'm gonna tell you who tomorrow's guest judges are." "You're not gonna believe it." "Plus, Dr. Ken promised to give Whitney a mammogram." "We're excited." ""Roast Battle,"" "solving the world's problems." "[cheers and applause] all: [chanting] Battle!" "[hip-hop techno music]" " ♪ We got them rabid for battle ♪" " Hey, hey!" "Fun night." "We saw a lot of go down tonight." "Alex Hooper emphatically beat down Scott Chaplain to move on to Saturday night, and in an incredible battle, we saw Matthew Broussard just beat Zac Amico to complete the hateful eight. watch behind-the-scenes clips." "What a great night." "You guys have fun?" "[cheers and applause]" "Well, let's hear from Jeff and the judges and get some final thoughts." " That was a great night." "I really-- really just proud of all the comedians." "No--everybody was hilarious." "Final thoughts, Dr. Ken?" "What do you think, pal?" " Uh, that Olivia/Keith battle was really tough." "It was really hard to see Keith go, and also, Todd Barry, that might be the best roast battle performance I've ever seen." "Ever." " Nice." " The--the slow patience of it added this tension that was just so awesome to watch." " When're you gonna come back and do another roast, Whitney?" "You're due." " I don't" "I don't have time for this." "I'm kidding." "No, you have to invite me." "I would love to." " We could roast your outfit for the roast of the night if you want." "audience:" "Oh." "[laughter] both: [chanting] "2 Broke Girls!"" " Are these lips represent every producer you had to blow to get on the show?" " Oh!" " [laughs] Boom!" "Boom!" "both: [chanting] Battle!" " Whoo." "[laughs]" " I love that everybody thinks I blow producers." "I don't blow producers." "I [bleep] producers." "[laughter]" " Right?" " Reverse boom." " I know you do." " Thank you." " Okay." " Pleasure to meet you." "Um, but, uh, no, this was amazing." "This was so great to watch." "I saw something I've never seen tonight." "We met Alex, the first comedian I've ever seen whose mom loves him and he's funny." "I've never seen that happen." "[laughter]" "I've never met a comedian's mom." " That's a good point." " It was weird." "I mean, you're a [bleep] mess, but, you know..." "[laughter]" "That was great to see." "So it was a blast." " Everybody make sure they go see Whitney Cummings live." "She's a great stand-up." "A lot of fun." "Dr. Ken, I'm a big fan of your sitcom." "I've been on your sitcom, and I appreciate you so much coming here and lending some of your expertise to our tournament tonight." " Thank you so much." "Very humbled." "You guy--everyone was amazing." " All right." "Give it up for all the comics." "Love you, Moses." " Yeah, love you more." "Tomorrow night is the quarterfinals." "Our eight winners face each other in four new battles, and our guest judges are:" "Emmy-winning comedian Sarah Silverman... [cheers and applause]" "And Grammy-winning musician John Mayer." "We'll see you tomorrow night." "Same battle time." "Same battle channel." "Coach, you know what to do." "[cheers and applause]" " ♪ We got them rabid for battle ♪ [hip-hop techno music] all: [chanting] Battle!" "♪" " ♪ We got them rabid for battle ♪" "♪" "♪ We got them rabid for battle ♪" " All those..." "Flannels." "♪"