"Santa?" "Is that you?" "[Bleep]" "What?" "No, no, no!" "Sally!" "Don't come in here!" "Sally?" "Sally, let me know if you're there because it feels like my pants are down, and if they are," "I'm going to quit struggling because I'm almost certain when I do you can see my penis and testicles through my legs." "Sally?" "Sally, answer me!" "♪ It's painfully apparent that it's Xmas time ♪" "♪ the malls are filled with assholes ♪ ♪ carolers sing so bold" "♪ my testicles fear the cold ♪ my penis looks like an acorn with an afro ♪" "♪ it's so [bleep] obvious that it's Xmas time ♪" "♪ the family's 'round the fire ♪ ♪ round the fire" "♪ grandma drank a ton ♪ Uncle Joe might have touched my son ♪" "♪ let's watch this "Robot Chicken" ♪ ♪ then I'm calling my supplier ♪ ♪ let's watch this "Robot Chicken" ♪" "♪ then I'm calling my supplier ♪" "I sure am sorry about your hand, Harvey." "Aw, Wendell, it was my own fault for marrying such a -- I fell. [ Door opens ]" "Hey, guys, I'd like to introduce Frankie Fox, the newest member of the jug band." "Go ahead, Frankie." "Give 'em a taste." "Wow!" "Merry Christmas, ears!" "Uh..." "Emmet?" "A word?" "Yeah, well, what's going on, Charlie?" "Well, I don't know how to say this, but aren't foxes our natural enemies?" "Hmmph!" "Well!" "I don't judge other animals by the color of their fur." "But aren't we all colorblind?" "Exactly." "Case closed." "All right, fellas, let's all do "We're All the Same on Christmas Day."" "One, two, three..." "♪ Winter is that time of year when we all gather 'round for some Christmas cheer ♪" "♪ let's celebrate in the jug band way ♪" "♪ we're all the same on Christmas day ♪" "[ Growls ] [ Gasps ] Thank you." "Ah!" "Ah!" "Ah!" "W-wait!" "Ain't we all the same on Christmas day?" "Oh, we're not the same..." "'cause I ain't dead." "Merry Christmas!" "[ Roars ]" "Okay, I'm gonna go photocopy your drivers' licenses while you guys watch this little video." "Welcome to Santa's Workshop!" "This isn't just the first day of your new job, it's the first day of your new career!" "Let's talk about worker safety!" "The raw materials used to make Christmas toys are processed below ground by a race of lizard men called "gar-lons."" "The gar-lons will eat you." "[Laughing ] They love to eat elves." "On nine separate occasions last year, elves took a wrong turn and were eaten." "So, hang onto the map that comes with your welcome packet, huh?" "!" "Everyone wants to know about reindeer." "They will eat you." "They eat elves like they're funyuns." "And they don't just eat you." "They play reindeer games with you, and then they eat you!" "So, find the reindeer pen on your map and stay away from it." "Crevasses." "They are everywhere." "Aah!" "Don't bother looking on your maps." "We didn't put them in because they are everywhere." "And we no longer attempt to rescue fallen elves." "Why, you ask?" "Just watch." "[ Snorts ] [ Elves whimpering ]" "And now we honor all the elves who were eaten last year." "Okay." "Brought your I.D.s back and some" "Santa's coming!" "[ Loud footsteps approaching ]" "Rarrrrrrghhhh!" "Okay, it's time to talk about Santa Claus." "Remember what you have learned this night, Ebenezer Scrooge!" "Remember..." "Remember..." "[ Gasps ]" "I-it's Christmas morning!" "Oh, thank God!" "It's not too late to share what I've learned!" "Ghosts are [bleep] real, guys!" "I just got visited by three -- three son-of-a- bitching ghosts!" "Is everyone hearing me?" "!" "Some of them show you the past, and they're not bad people, and some of them show you the present, and they're like a friend that's died." "But I implore you." "Don't get cocky, because there are also future ghosts." "And [bleep] me, I hope you won't miss your balls when they climb up into your body when you see these sons of bitches!" "Ghosts!" "Mama, what do ants give each other for Christmas?" "Well, I don't know, dear!" "[ Woman vocalizing ] ♪ Yeah ♪ Oh-oh-oh" "♪ Over the river and through the woods, to grandmother's house we go ♪" "♪ the horse knows the way to carry the sleigh through the white and drifted sno-o-w ♪" "[ Crying ] I didn't know the way!" "I'm just a horse!" "You guys had GPS on your phones!" "Why wouldn't you use it?" "!" "[ Stomach gurgling ] Uh-oh." "Mowed down one cookie too many." "Code brown, people!" "[Farting ] Oh, phenomenal." "[ Farting continues ] Oh, God." "Shh-shh!" "Shut up." "[ Plop ] Ah, [bleep] splashback!" "Dead-of-winter, east coast, midnight toilet splashback!" "[Bleep]." "It's like crapping into an overturned igloo!" "Okay." "Let's triage this disaster." "Aw." "Aw!" "This isn't two-ply." "This isn't even a ply." "This is a fraction of a ply!" "Great." "A little anal sandpaper massage should get the rest of my night off to a good start." "Good thing my whip has a front seat that's basically a [bleep] wooden plank." "Hello, next nine hours of my life." "[ Toilet handle jiggles ] Hmm." "Can't flush." "I'd wake them up." "Sorry, kids." "One of you is taking the heat for this crime scene tomorrow morning." "Well, call the cops!" "His name's Heat Miser!" "He's like a Jew, but a Jew about heat, not a Jew about money." "I see." "His name is Snow Miser!" "He's like a Jew, but a Jew about cold, not a Jew about money." "I see." "His name's Hermie the Elf!" "He wants to be a dentist!" "Pretty "jewy," huh?" "[ Telephone rings ]" "Hello?" "The Aryan Brotherhood is pulling their funding?" "It's got to be a Christmas movie now?" "Well, we ain't changing it!" "Now, that's a snowman!" "Hello, boys and girls!" "It's your old pal, Frosty the " "Oh, kids, what have you done?" "What have you done?" "!" "Now will you just hold still?" "No, brah, no." "Now, come on, brah." "No, brah!" "No-o-o!" "Christmas 2065." "Physical gifts are obsolete." "The Distant Uncle Act now mandates the exclusive use of gift cards." "Funds are exchanged digitally, relegating Christmas to a window of 15 minutes between 8:45 and 9:00." "Your word is "hannaka."" "Please use it in a sentence." ""'I'm too stupid to spell hannaka,' said the boy before he lost the Spelling Bee." Hannaka." "Okay. [ Clears throat ] Hannaka." "H-A-N-A-- [ Buzzer sounds ] Spell "hannaka."" "C-H-A-- [ Buzzer sounds ] The word is "hannaka."" "H-A-N-N-- [ Buzzer sounds ] K" "[ Buzzer sounds ] C-A-- [ Buzzer sounds ]" "M-- [ Buzzer sounds ] K-H-A" "[ Buzzer sounds ] ♪ Angelina Jolie -- not a Jew ♪" "[ Buzzer sounds ] [ Crying ] C-- [ Buzzer sounds ]" "Spell "hannaka." Hannaka." "H-A-N-N-A-K-A." "Hannaka." "Of all the children in all the world, you are the only one who knows the true spelling of hannaka!" "Shh-shh." "I'm so sorry." "You got to believe me." "Your grandmother came out of nowhere!" "I think she was drunk!" "I didn't write that song!" "[ Crying ] Why was she even on the roof?" "!" "It's snowing!" "It's snowing!" "Looks like it's going to be a white Christmas after all." "But those weren't snowflakes." "It was ash -- ash from the impact of a meteor that had struck the other side of the world..." "A collision so destructive that all life would be wiped out, save perhaps an isolated microscopic bacterium." "And so to you, isolated microscopic bacterium " "Merry Christmas." "[ Soldiers coughing, crying ]" "Well, didn't think you'd be spending Christmas throwing yourself against the German line, eh, boys?" "Did you ask Santa for anything this year, sergeant?" "A pack of smokes would do nicely." "I'd settle for a pair of warm socks!" "I'm asking Santa to bust through that kraut line and save us the trouble." "Ha!" "That's the spirit, Doyle." "Guys, you're not going to believe this!" "We've called a Christmas truce with the Germans!" "It's a miracle!" "[ All clamoring ]" "[ All laughing ] I guess we're all human beings, after all." "[ German accent ] We'll all be telling our children about the great Christmas miracle truce of -- Ho, ho, ho!" "What was that?" "I'm looking for a Private Doyle." "I have a very special gift for him..." "[ Gasps ] This is Private Doyle, my new holiday friend!" "Doyle!" "I brought you that present you asked for!" "Hiya!" "Merry Christmas." "Come on, men!" "We're busting through this line!" "[ Gun clicks ]" "Do it for Doyle." "Nein!" "Ho ho ho!" "[ Reindeer snorting ] Heads up, "Jerry."" "[ Crying ] But we had the truce!" "[ Gun clicks ]" "Oh, thank God." "Look." "There was a truce." "God damn it!" "Stop!" "I don't care what I asked for!" "We made a Christmas truce!" "It was a triumph of humanity!" "Wha --?" "You're kidding me!" "Oh, damn." "That really sounds like it would have been inspiring." "Anyway, who had the socks?" "NORAD has located Santa's sleigh over Eastern Europe!" "Kids better hurry up and get to bed!" "Can you believe Santa delivers presents all over the world in a single night?" "He's incredible!" "You want to know what's incredible, Mario?" "A rabbit that hides Easter eggs." "That's incredible." "And I don't have a [bleep] sleigh hitched up to flying deer." "I have to [bleep] hop all over the world." "I'd like to watch you hop all over the world, Mario." "And I'd like to see you carry that [bleep] Easter basket full of [bleep] eggs and watch you hide those motherfuckers and if you don't think that's "incredible," maybe you try it" "one time with no [bleep] opposable thumbs!" "You try to hold an egg and then hide that egg with these, Mario!" "I'm just saying it's not "incredible.""