"Hilary, when is G getting back?" "I'm starving." "Don't worry, Will, I made breakfast." "Damn, I'm full." "Couldn't eat another bite." "Come on, Will." "I know what I'm doing." "Remember, I was a professional caterer." "And you still would be if you hadn't poisoned those nuns." "The autopsy was inconclusive." "Bon appétit." "Come on, let's give her a chance." "These eggs aren't bad." "What's the crunchy stuff?" "Great, you found my contact." "Then who's the guy in the toga?" "That's Bill Reingold." "He's the president of Amatrax Oil." "And the guy with his head in the toilet?" "That's Ben Winter." "He's a great heart surgeon." "And the guy getting slapped by the girl?" "That's Clarence Thomas." "What's going on, guys?" "Y ou're looking at your old Princeton fraternity pictures?" "Will, please." "Princeton doesn't have fraternities." "They have dining clubs." "Where the leaders of tomorrow break bread and plan the future." "That's right, son." "My dining club's what made me the man I am today." "No, that's too easy." "And since you're my son... you're guaranteed my seat in the club I joined." "If you don't know which seat is his... it'll be the one with the legs all bent out up from under it." "Come on, I gave you a free one earlier." "Carlton... what I'm about to do is strictly forbidden." "But since you're going to Princeton..." "I'm going to teach you my club's secret handshake." "Turn around, Will." "Y ou gotta be facing somebody's butt to do this handshake?" "It's a secret." "I don't see what the big deal is about Princeton anyway." "Simple, they're interviewing at Bel-Air Prep this week." "They're looking for a few good men." "Darn, Carlton." "If they was looking for a few good Pygmies, you'd have been a shoe in." "Face it, ghetto goof... there's no one at Bel-Air Prep that comes close to having my grades... or my willingness to flatter authority figures... without a thought to personal dignity." "They'll be lucky to have you, son." "And you're the guy who taught me." "By the way, you look really great in denim." "See?" "So, Will, have you scheduled your interview?" "Man, I tell you, you ain't got to worry about me applying... to no old Bugie or Muffy and Biffo... chicken-head old kind of..." "I just didn't have a chance to get around to it yet, Uncle Phil." "Do it tomorrow." "Wait." "Come on, Uncle Phil, I've already decided where I wanna go." "Will, the standards of the Jim-Bob School of Trucking are pretty darn high." "Look, man, what are you doing here anyway?" "Y our appointment isn't till tomorrow." "Simple, I'm here to pick up the shattered pieces of your self-esteem... to nourish you in your hour of defeat." "And do you know why, Will?" "Because when I come out of here a broken man... you wanna be the first person to rub my nose in it?" "No, I'm really here for you, Will." "Then why did you bring a video camera?" " Mr. Will Smith." " Y o." ""Y o"?" "So, Mr. Smith... you want to go to Princeton." "Well, actually, I wanna go to Sea World, but is Princeton along the way?" "Y ou're funny." "We frown on that at Princeton." "Okay." "Look, actually, I gotta be honest with you." "I just came because my uncle made me." "I really don't wanna go to Princeton." "Everybody wants to go to Princeton." "Well, not me, amigo." "Then you're in luck, Mr. Smith." "Y our scores are mediocre... your grades would make an impressive batting average... and your extracurricular activities are non-existent." "Unless one counts detention, in which case you lead the league." "But my jacket is a fashion miracle, though, isn't it?" "In short, you're not Princeton material." "And your hat is on backwards." "We frown on that at Princeton." "Y'all frown on a lot of stuff at Princeton." "Bunch of sad-Iooking people walking around..." "Look, actually, sir..." "I just really don't know what Princeton would have to offer me." "I mean, are there any cute honeys?" "Mr. Smith..." "Princeton has some of the most intelligent young women in the country." "There's no way I would make a crass generalization about such a diverse group." "Any cute honeys?" "No." "Well, then I guess my work here is done." "But as a parting gift... here you go." "How did you do that?" "I've been working on this thing for months." "Y eah, well, take care, buddy." "Wait a minute." " Oh, man." " Y ou get your English scores up... and I'll recommend that you get accepted into Princeton." " Look, I don't know, Ed, it's just..." " Please, for me." "It would mean a lot." "All right, I'll think about it." "Peace out, E" " Money." "Piece of cake." "What's the capital of Burma?" " Look, man, I don't know." " Rangoon." "Six hundred and forty acres is?" "I don't know, the size of Barry White's hot tub." "A square mile." "Who said, "It is better to die on your feet than live on your knees"?" "I'm guessing that one wasn't Madonna." "Emiliano Zapata." "They made a mistake." "Y ou don't deserve to go to Princeton." "Wait a minute, Will..." "Princeton is considering you?" "Considering me?" "Begging me is more like it." "I mean, them people just will not take "no" for an answer." " Y ou turned them down?" " A bunch of times." "But you know, dude started getting all weepy-eyed and everything... so I told him I'd sleep on it." "How'd you do it, Will?" "The truth." "Carlton, I was just myself." "I guess that was good enough." "This is Princeton, Will." "They don't want people who are themselves." "They want people like me." "Now, fess up." "I told you, Carlton, I was just myself." "We talked." "I told him about the hood back in Philly." "And he told me about some stuff called Spam." "Y ou know, if you're getting a shot at Princeton, that's pretty impressive." "I'm proud of you, son." "Proud enough to let me use the Volvo next weekend?" "Sure." "Did my lips say Volvo?" "My lips meant to say Jag." "Why not?" "Y ou know what, Uncle Phil, I think I might like this Princeton thing after all." "Y ou think you can show me that handshake?" "Well, okay, but we can't show it to strangers, you know." "Mr. Carlton Banks?" "Y o, what's up?" " Sorry." " That's all right." "I've been looking through your transcript, Mr. Banks." "Y ou don't have to call me Mr. Banks." "My posse calls me Rap Master C." "Excuse me?" "Rap Master is my name." "Ask me again and I'll tell you the same." "Didn't mean to dis you, can I get you a tissue?" "So, Rap Master..." "I noticed that you are the treasurer of your y oung Republican Club." "Three years running." "But enough about that Bugie stuff." "Let me teach you how to vogue." "Strike a pose." "Mr. Banks, are you on some sort of medication?" "Let me teach you how to wear a hat." "Mr. Banks, please." "Mr. Banks, you're nothing like what I expected." "I'm not?" "Y our scores are topnotch and your grades couldn't be better." "They are." "Unfortunately, at this time..." "Princeton doesn't accept the clinically insane." "Next!" "That's it?" "That's it." "Close the door when you leave." "There must be some mistake." "Princeton's the only place I've ever wanted to go." "It's the centerpiece of my life's master plan." " I hardly think you..." " y ou think I'm exaggerating?" "Look, this is my master plan." "See where Princeton comes in?" "Right after "lose virginity."" "Y ou're even stranger than I thought." "Thank you for your interest in Princeton, Rap Master... it's time for my 3:30." "Look, please don't do this to me." "Do you want me to beg?" "I'm begging you." "Anything you want." "Y ou know, my sister Hilary's not bad-Iooking and after two drinks or so... she'll do just about anything, so..." " Are you through?" " My dad's got money." "A lot of money." "And if you played your cards right he just might..." " Goodbye." " Look, Ed... you seem like an intelligent man." "A man who knows what's good for himself." "Accepting me would be very good for you, Ed... because I have friends." "Big friends." "Big friends with lots of body hair and mozzarella on their breath." "Capisce?" "Correct me if I'm wrong, but was that a death threat?" " So how'd it go, son?" " Did they accept you?" "Did you even have to ask?" "They're not just accepting me, they're giving me a full scholarship." "Y es!" "Oh, God." "Congratulations." "We are so proud of you!" "Good going, C." "Can I have your dresser?" "I can't believe this." "A full scholarship?" "That's amazing." "I guess all that hard work paid off." "Philip, we're gonna have to have a party, invite all of Carlton' s friends." " I can't come." " Why not?" "Because Carlton doesn't have any friends... and I'll have to dance with him." "Mom, I appreciate the thought, but let's not go overboard." "No." "Now, this seems to call for a new car." "How about one of those little convertibles, huh?" "Princeton orange." " Sure, Dad, but..." " No buts, Carlton." "Y ou have made me so proud." "I made my bed." " I'll get it." " I'll get it." " No, I'll get it." " I'll get it." "Hello?" "It's Mr. Robinson, your principal." "Well, you're a little late, sir, I just heard the good news." "That's impossible." "How could he get suspended after he just got a full scholarship?" "I'll call you back." "Y eah, goodbye." "Philip, what's going on?" "Carlton... tell me you didn't threaten to kill the man from Princeton." "Oh, my God." " Dad, I..." " Just tell me that, please." "I can't." "Y o, C, you look bad, man." "Stop trying to butter me up, Will." "Come on, baby, give Mama a kiss." "Look, go away." "Come on, Mama knows, child, come on." "Stop, Will, it's not funny." "Y ou ruined my life, you... you big poopy." "Y ou get everything you want without trying." "Y ou get picked first for teams, the cutest girls, everything." "Why?" "'Cause I don't say stuff like "big poopy"?" "Why don't you just go back to Philly?" "Do I detect a little hostility?" "Y ou owe me some flowers, mister." "Now /ook, you mustn't ta/k /ike that." " won't get my wings with that attitude." " don't know, / guess you're right." " suppose it wou/d have been better if /'d never been born at a//." "What did you say?" " said, "/ wish /'d never been born."" "Y ou and me both, pal." "What the..." "Oh, my God, it's Tom Jones." "What are you doing here?" "Well, I'm your guardian angel." "No offense, Tom, but I always thought my guardian angel would be black." "Well, I knew Otis Redding." "Well, anyway, I'm glad you came." "I've been so unhappy." "I know." "Break it down to me." "Tell me what's wrong." "Well, it's kind of hard to put into words." "I know." "Tom, you're the best guardian angel a guy could ever ask for." "Do you think you could change history so that I've never been born?" "Well, not quite." "But I could probably pull some strings and have you moved opposite Roseanne." "But before I do that I want you to see what things would be like... if you didn't exist." " I'm coming now." "Come on, shoot." " Okay." "He dribbles down, he turns into Darryl Dawkins, he's breaks the backboard." "What happened, and where's Mom?" "Well, without you, your family was defenseless against Will." "Y ou see, they started to focus on happiness instead of success." "Y our mother ran away with the milkman... your father quit his practice to paint..." "Ashley does nothing but dance all day... and Hilary just does her hair." "Well, maybe not everything changed." "But they're not making any money." "I mean, so what if they're happy?" "How are they going to afford this house... our cars, our club memberships?" "Well, they can't." "They're gonna lose it all." "Happiness has ruined them." "I've gotta save them." "I've got to teach them about greed and social climbing... and how to claim your dog as a dependent." "Now that's the Carlton I know." "Maestro." "Good morning, Will." ""Good morning"?" "Y ou sure you don't mean, "Die, you gravy-sucking pig"?" "Will, I spoke out of turn earlier." "I had no right to attack you the way I did." "That's cool, man." "Plus, I decided I don't even want to go to Princeton, you know?" "So I called up Ed and I put the good word in for you." "And he's giving me another chance?" "Well, no, he still thinks you kind of crazy." "But he'd like to take Hilary out for cocktails." "Will, would you excuse us, please?" "I'd like to talk to Carlton alone." "Go easy on him, Uncle Phil." "He's a moron." "Dad, before you start, I just wanna say..." "I'm sorry about the death threat." "Son, I admit that wasn't exactly the bright spot of my day... but what really hurt the most is that you lied to me." "But I didn't know how to tell you." "I mean, you were so happy that Princeton wanted Will." "I'd thought you'd like him more than me." "I could never like Will." "Well, I mean, I like him..." "Wait a minute, here I am lying to you." "I really blew it." "I'm sorry you won't get to go to Princeton." "I know how much that meant to you." "Dad, the only reason I wanted to go to Princeton... is because I wanted to be like you." "Y ou can't be like me, Carlton." "Or like Will, or like anybody else." "Y ou can only be like you." "There's no need to be cruel." "Son... who you are is just fine with me." "I mean that." "Carlton." "Y eah?" "Y ou're grounded." "Thanks, Dad." "Do I sense a little hostility?" "Y ou owe me some flowers, mister." " did that on purpose."