"Guess what, I got balloons." "From a guy in a van." "I love this neighborhood." "I just love it." "What is that? "Me so horny." Very good." ""No credit, no problem!" And "Happy 100th Jane!"" "I don't think she made it, but she lived a good life." "Ah!" "Ah!" "Shut up!" "Who booby trapped me?" "Stop!" "[CELL PHONE RINGING]" "Shut up!" "It's my mom." "Get off of me!" "Yeah, Mom." "Hey." "[HIGH-PITCHED] Nick's mad because that punk-ass balloon beat his ass." "Hey, no huffing." "Come on, guys." "[HIGH-PITCHED] Take these seriously!" "I didn't buy the balloons to have you guys..." "[HIGH-PITCHED] If you do that one more time, I'm gonna break your faces in." "[ALL LAUGHING]" "Uh, my dad died." "I guess he had a heart attack." "I gotta go back to Chicago..." "[NICK SNIFFS] ...and go to the funeral and everything." "You guys gonna say anything?" "JESS [HIGH-PITCHED]:" "That's terrible." "SCHMIDT [HIGH-PITCHED]:" "We're so sorry." " If there's anything we can do..." "JESS:" "Come here." "Give me a hug." " We love you." "WINSTON [HIGH-PITCHED]:" "We love you, Nick." "SCHMIDT:" "Stay strong." "[SINGING] Who's that girl?" "CHORUS:" "Who's that girl?" " Who's that girl?" "CHORUS:" "Who's that girl?" " It's Jess." "JESS:" "So this is where Nick Miller grew up." "Except for the fall of '88 to spring of '89." "That was our van year." " I just want you to know I'm here for you." " Okay." "I'm gonna be strong for you, man." "I really did love Walt." "He was my dad, Winston." "But he loved me more than he loved you." "He told me that." " He told me that too." " Sorry." " Ahh..." " You okay, Schmidt?" "I didn't wanna make this about me but the airline lost my bag." "I wanted to look fantastic for your father's funeral." "I have nothing but the schmata on my back." "All right, let's do this." "WINSTON:" "Uh, Jess, we should warn you." "Nick's family?" "A little crazy." "MAN 1:" "It's called "pop." MAN 2:" "Just call it "soda," it's soda." "Hey, Uncle Nicky." " Hey, man." "BOY:" "Hi." " No, it's called "soda."" " It's called "pop."" " Why would you call it "soda" if it's pop?" " You call your dad "pop."" " Hey." " It's Nick." "My brother Nick's back." " My condolences." " Thanks for making it out." "Your brother's being a douche." "I'm not being a douche." "I'm emotional!" " You've been a douche all day." "NICK:" "I know." "I know." " You been crying a bunch, buddy?" "JAMIE:" "No." " He gets your shoulder wet." " Don't do the hair pull." " So intimate." "You okay?" "JAMIE:" "I'm not okay." "Here's what I need you to do." "Grab some kids and teach them how to build a snowman." "Can't do that." "Already did it already." " He put the carrot in the crotch." " Why?" "JAMIE:" "They told me to." "NICK:" "They're kids." "JAMIE:" "Those kids are cool, they wanted to hang out." "Don't trust cops." " Nicky." "Oh..." " Hey, Ma." "[CRYING]" " I miss him, Nicky." " Yeah, I know." "That bastard was a saint." "A saint." "The bastard." "I know." "Come here." "Hey..." "This is getting personal." "Maybe none of us should go to the funeral." "The early buzz on this thing is it's gonna be a drag." " What still needs to get done?" " We need to get groceries plan the funeral, call the paper..." " Did you say "plan the funeral"?" "That's why you're here, Nicky." "You take care of everything." " I got the napkins!" " Oh, that's so hot." " Great, Jamie." " Nick taking care of people?" "Pop-pop coming and going, Nick had to step up, be man of the family." "Takes care of all of them." "Don't laugh when they call him responsible." "They don't know why that's hilarious." "Um..." "Oh." "Hi, Mrs. Miller." "I'm so sorry for your loss." " If there's anything I can do..." " Who are you?" " Oh." "I'm sorry." "I'm Jess." "NICK:" "This is Jess, my new roommate." " Nice to meet you." " I've told you about her." "Winnie and Fat Schmidt I know." "Hey, boys." "I just wanted to say that I'm here and happy to do anything." "She's Spanish?" "Um, I'm from Portland, Oregon." "Land of books." "Heh." "Trail Blazers." "Heh." "BONNIE:" "Hmm." "Are you guys, uh?" "Jamie, I'm begging you to shut up." "Your father always wanted to have a funeral like Elvis had." " That's what we're gonna give him." " A funeral like Elvis?" "That means twelve white limos." "And an Elvis impersonator." "Dad's gonna get the funeral you want him to have." "Tell me what needs to get done and I'll just do it." "Oh." "The eulogy." " You'll do the eulogy, right?" " I don't think I should do the eulogy." "You just say nice stuff all in a row." "Do it, college." "You got it." "BONNIE:" "You have to." "BOBBY:" "Come on." " A good poem, one of your good ones." "JESS:" "You should." "BOBBY:" "Come on, man." "You gotta." " Yeah, okay." "Sure." "I'll, uh..." "That's my boy." "He takes care of everything." " Hey." " Hey, Jess." "It's like a whole secret life for you." "You're not looking at the numbers." "Aunt Ruthie used to call this the Iron Jew." " Wow." " Heh." "Are you having time to process this?" "I'm figuring out the level of Elvis impersonator we can afford." " Uh-huh." " I think a white one's out of reach." " Is there anything I can do to help?" " The eulogy." " Sorry?" " That'd be really helpful because that's been getting in my way." "I didn't know your dad, except the hour that I committed fraud with him." " That's all there is to know, really." " I think that's one task that's better if you..." "I've gotta figure out Elvis-themed flowers, food, music all in a day." "You asked if there was anything you could do and there is." " Okay, I'll do it." "Yeah." " Thank you." "Oh, you are the best." " Hey, Nick?" " Yeah." " For Elvis-themed music, what about Elvis?" " I'm so slammed now, I can't hear new stuff." "Looking good, man." "This is Walt's best suit." "All these buttons." "I look like a remote control." " Looks good." " I can't mourn in this." "I don't even know how to use these buttons." "We're not mourning, okay?" "This is a celebration." " That's what funerals are all about." " Winston, I can't go to the funeral!" "What the hell is the problem?" "I really wanna support Nick." "I do." "I wanna support his family." "I wanna be there for him, but I'm scared of death." "Uh..." "Wow." "Uh..." "Schmidt, death is natural." "It's a natural part of life." " Everybody's scared of death." " Death, Winston." "[WHISPERS] Death." "Death." "[IN NORMAL VOICE] Let me ask you something, Winston." "What's with this open-casket thing?" "All of a sudden, I've gotta walk in, I've gotta see the carcass?" "That's crazy." "What if his eyes open?" "What if his eyes open and he comes and haunts all of us?" "Why...?" "Literally, why are the buttons on here?" "They're not holding anything." "I don't know which are buttoned." "How do you get this thing off?" "This middle-class button system!" "Get it off of me!" "[PANTING]" "I don't think I'm gonna go to the funeral, man." "I think I'm gonna hang back." "So, um, I'm helping Nick with the eulogy..." "I'll give you the goods on Walt, glasses-face." "My pop had a table at every diner in the city." "He had silverware from the finest hotels in the area." "He had a gold chain as thick as floss, but, like, thick floss." " Walt's got that chain?" " He got that chain." "That's his chain." " That was my dad's chain." " It was Walt's signature piece." " No, he got that from the Seiko watch deal." " He got it from the dishwasher arrangement." "BOBBY:" "No." "JAMIE:" "Yes, he did." " My dad took a dart in the eye for that." " I don't care what he took a dart in the eye for." "Guys, could we refocus...?" "I can't because he's accusing my father of thievery!" " Could we talk about Walt?" " What's the deal with you and Nick?" "Are you guys, uh?" "Could you stop doing that with your eyebrows?" "Please stop doing..." "Stop." " They're doing it." " Yeah." " No." " Whoever denied it supplied it." "This would be the casket." "And now I'm dead." "Approach me." "Don't be afraid." "Promise not to move, all right?" "That's what I'm afraid of the most." " You kidding me?" " You can't breathe." "Schmidt, I need to breathe." "I'm coaching you, also for regular life reasons." "Calm down, find a joyful memory and let it lift you to the sky." "You left us too soon, you beautiful black butterfly." " Start over." " When we first met I thought that we'd be rivals." "For Nick's attention, for who wore Easter colors best." "And then rivalry became friendship." "We've laughed, we've swum, you cut my toenails." "Are you the brother that I never had?" "No." "You're the brother I've always had." " That was beautiful..." " Ah!" "What are you doing?" " You moved!" " I'm not a real dead person!" " You ghoul!" " Why do I do this?" "Forget it, man." "I'm never going to this thing." "You made it worse." "Two thousand dollars?" "What if it wasn't six feet under?" " How much for three feet?" " I've gone through half a pack of ciggie gum." " You want some of my weed?" " Where are we on the food?" " We gotta have Elvis food." " Ma, I'm making calls right now." " Gotta be perfect." " Gonna be perfect." "Let me do it." "If the food isn't Elvis-themed does it matter...?" " Got a problem with Elvis?" " I don't..." " I'll have to call you back." "She didn't say that about Elvis." "I was suggesting maybe the Elvis theme doesn't matter..." " Don't think Elvis is important?" " She knows he's important." " Elvis is everything!" "I know." "He's the king." "He's the king." "I'm sorry, Bonnie." "He's the king." " Jess." " Nick." "I'm here to help, but I can't write this eulogy." " Wait, what?" " Want some of my weed?" "I asked you to do one thing." "Write the eulogy." " I didn't know Walt." " Nobody wants to hear what I have to say." "It doesn't matter what you say." "You have to say goodbye." "I'm not asking you to do too much." "Just write my father's eulogy!" "I can't handle this." " Nick..." "BOBBY:" "My dad's chain." "JESS:" "Nick." " Nick, he popped me right in my cherry!" " That's not what that means, Jamie!" "JAMIE:" "What does it mean?" "Nick." "Where are you going?" "[DOOR CLOSES]" "Forgot my jacket." "It's really cold outside." "JESS:" "Nick!" "Wait!" "JAMIE:" "Ow." " Hey." "When's the last time you saw Nick?" " Hey." " He not here?" " What are you talking about?" "If you wanna hear, come here." " Don't shout." " Bad luck to see the body before the funeral." "No, that's a wedding thing." "Shh." "I said something to Nick." "This is my fault..." "[SLURRING] Hey, everybody!" "I brought Elvis!" "Funeral's saved." " What?" " Hey, happy funeral, Jess." " What happened?" " I found this guy at the bar and he fits into the costume." "For 20 bucks, he's Elvis." "I thought you wanted me to kill Elvis." "Why would I give you the outfit?" "The element of surprise?" "Mirror effect?" "He's gonna be perfect." " Whose birthday is it?" " It's my dad's funeral." "Go find cake." " How much have you had to drink?" " One dozen beers." "I wrote..." "I did what you asked me to do, Jessica." "I wrote the "giggly-ography."" " The what?" " The giggly-ography." " Giggly-ography?" " Eurology." " Elegy?" " Eulogy!" " You wrote the eulogy." " What I've been saying." " It's right there." " "Walt Miller." "Am I right?"" " Am I right?" "Am I right?" " That's terrible." " Google-eye-archy!" " All right." "Here's what we're gonna do." "I'm gonna sober up Nick and Elvis." "You, go buy us some time." "Schmidt, stop asking people if they can smell the body." " That is rude." "It's inappropriate." "It's offensive." " I'll try." "It's what I'm thinking." " I got this." "Shh." "Don't say anything." "Come on." " Hi." "Uh..." "The chain." "Someone should stop..." "Because he's taking the chain." " Hey, quit it, man." "Don't do that." " Beat it, Cali." "[DEEP VOICE] Long Island, son." "[NORMAL VOICE] Get off of it, man." "Stop." " Don't touch me." " I'll touch you." "Don't wanna go near that thing." " You don't touch me." " Quit it." " You wanna go?" " Um, j..." "Get away from Walt's chain." "I'm just saying." "No, no, no." "No!" "No!" "Desecration!" "Shut up." "Shut up." "There's no desecration." "He has my dad's chain and I'm taking it." " Shut your mouth." " What's wrong with you?" "[WHISPERS] Bobby, shut up." "Dude, he's dead." "What are you doing?" " What are you doing?" " Ooh!" " What are you doing?" " [NORMAL VOICE] I'm not afraid." " Not afraid of what?" " I'm not afraid." "I can do this." "I can do this all day." " Come on." "Don't do that." " All day, son." " Don't put your head in there." " All day." " That's my uncle." " Come get your chain, Boston." "All day!" "All day!" "All day!" " I don't need it." "I don't want it." " What's up?" "You told me to write it, but I couldn't." "I didn't have anything to say." "You're mad at me." "You've got the mad face." "I'm not mad at you, Nick." "I'm not mad at you." "I have your back." "No matter what." "No matter how stupid it gets." "You and I both know it can get really stupid." "I'm the stupidest of all the stupid boys." "I'm going to be there and I'm going to hold your hand." "I wanted to tell you that last night, but you ran away." "Yeah." "[BRENDAN HEAVES]" " I wanna meet your mom." "JESS:" "Oh, my God." "Hey, Elvis." "[WHISPERING] What are we going to do, Winnie?" "Everyone's waiting." "How about I go up there, I say a few words?" "Keep it light." "Keep it happy." "Don't mention the felony thing." "Or Paraguay." "Or the storage space." "WINSTON:" "Hey, y'all." "Aah." "Some of y'all know me, I'm Winston." "I look at today as a celebration." "So let's have a party." "You know, because a party is what Walt would've..." "[COUGHS]" "[WINSTON CLEARS THROAT]" "A party is..." "A party..." "Uh..." "[WINSTON SOBBING]" "Walt would've wanted us to have a party!" "[WINSTON CLEARS THROAT THEN TAKES DEEP BREATH]" "[WHISPERING] I can do this." "I can do this." "I can do this." "[WAILING]" "Walt." "I can't do this no more, Lord." "[WINSTON CONTINUES WAILING]" " Hey, you done with this?" " Hey!" "What's going on?" "Aah!" " This is Elvis?" " No." "This funeral's going down the toilet." "I promised Walter it'd be beautiful and full of life." "I promised." " I'm sending everyone home." " Wait, Bonnie." "Are you tapping me on the shoulder, girlie?" "Let me make this totally clear." "I don't want you here." "I don't know you." "I don't know your people." "You tapped me twice?" "I..." "Please wait for Nick." "It's important." "Then why is he not here?" "No eulogy." "No Elvis." "I'd rather not have a funeral if it's not gonna honor my husband." "[BRENDAN VOMITS]" "And I'm out." "I wanna thank you for coming, but it's, uh, over now, so..." "[CROWD MURMURING]" "JESS [MIMICKING ELVIS]:" "Stop the funeral!" "Everybody sit down." "This is the king." " What the hell?" " I think you mean, "What the heaven?"" " Mama." " It's Elvis." "[SINGING] As the snow flies On a cold and gray Chicago morn" "What is this?" "A poor little baby child was born" "[ORGAN PLAYING]" "In the ghetto" "In the ghetto" "And his mama cried" "'Cause if there's one thing That she don't need" "It's another hungry mouth to feed" "In the ghetto" "In the ghetto" "This is every day in North Korea." "Down in Chi-Town" "In the ghetto" "In the ghetto" " I'm gonna hit her." " Ma, please." "Dad would've liked this." "He would've faked a slip and fall and sued the funeral home..." "[CROWD LAUGHS] ...but he would've liked this." "Heh." " Thank you, Jess." " You're welcome, mama." "[NICK GROANS THEN BONNIE SIGHS]" "[SIGHS]" "I used to always tell my dad that I hated Elvis just to piss him off." "He'd get really mad." "The way Walt could get really mad." "He'd turn it up loud just to spite me and sing all the Elvis songs." "[CHUCKLES]" " He was very good at gambling." "JAMIE:" "Heh." "He had a great mustache." "[SOBS]" " Hey, man." " What?" "He was so mean to cabbies in such a cool way." "And he never was scared." "[SNIFFS]" "How did he do that?" "I don't know if Walt was a good guy or a bad guy in the whole scheme of things, you know." "But he was my dad and I'm sure gonna miss him." "You okay, mama?" "Yeah, I'm gonna be okay, mama." "[SINGING] 'Cause if there's one thing That she don't need" "It's another hungry mouth to feed" "In the ghetto" "In the ghetto" "[CHUCKLES]" "[SINGING] In the ghetto" "[SINGING] In the ghetto" "ALL [SINGING]:" "In the ghetto" "In the ghetto" "In the ghetto" "In the ghetto Whoa" "In the ghetto" "I really feel transported to the ghetto." "BONNIE:" "In the ghetto" "BOBBY:" "You owe me a gold chain or at least the price of a chain." "Or maybe just a giant lobster." "It's all about the gesture." "And I will get my gesture." "My face touched the mustache of a carcass today, Bobby." " I'm not afraid of you." " I've got some advice:" "Stay out of Boston." " Keep me out of a city?" " I work TSA at Logan." "I'll put a gun in your luggage." "Why you gotta bring weapons into it?" "Where do you think you're going with that hat?" "I really wanted something to remember him by." "Empty your pockets." "All I got is this fishing wire and a Wrigley ticket stub." "A button." "Then there's the leg to his favorite chair." "You keep it all." "Hey, Bonnie." "Oh, sorry, I almost tapped you." "You scare me." "Pretty fun weekend all-in, though, right?" "I packed you a snack for the trip." "Oh." "Cheese puffs." "Thank you." " Come here." " Oh." "JAMIE:" "Oh, hey, Nick." " Yeah." " How far away you are from getting married?" " I don't know." "Because, uh, you know, DeAnn and I were thinking about getting married, so..." "Jamie, brothers don't have to get married in order." "DeAnn, we're doing this!" "Hey, I couldn't find the cat." "I looked all over, but I decided to clean out the litter box." " I owe you an apology." " What are you talking about?" "We all depended on you so much and you were just a kid..." " Don't do this, Ma." " I'm just saying." "You're going through enough." "I'm glad you have someone who takes care of you." "[GRUNTING SOFTLY]" "I love you, Ma." "Visit more so I don't have to talk to your brother all the time." "NICK:" "Ha-ha-ha." " She said yes!" "[ALL LAUGHING]" "[NICK GROANS]" "[SINGING] Hoo, hoo, hoo I feel my temperature risin'" "Burnin', burnin' Must be 109" "'Cause your kisses light my fire And the sweet sound of the choir" "And you light my morning sky A burnin' love" "Ooh I'm just a hunk, a hunk of burning' love" "Ooh, I'm just a hunk A hunk of burning' love, ooh" "JESS [AS ELVIS]:" "Pallbearers, please come down."