"Ah !" "thank you." "Hi." "Kelsey Grammer here." "I'm sorry to do this from a hospital bed, but I'm in for a little, uh... well, let's just call it a bit of elective surgery, shall we?" "Anyway, I didn't want to miss an opportunity to introduce you to our latest comedy." "I like to call it simply The Sketch Show." " It's very kind of you to give me a sponge bath." " It's all right." " So, have you worked here long?" " I don't work here." "Season 1 episode 1" "Can I help you, sir?" "We'd like a room for two knights, please." "Uh, why don't you join us in the 21st century." "Okay, hold on a second." "Okay." "Okay, that's good." "Lean in." "Give us a wave." "Say "cheese."" "Cheese." " Okay, great." "Thanks a lot." " That's great." "Thank you." " Uh-huh." " Did you pack this bag yourself, sir?" " Yes." "You're absolutely certain?" "Absolutely certain." "There's no way someone could've slipped something in there?" "No way at all." "And it hasn't been left unattended for any length of time?" "No, it's been by my side from the moment I packed it to the moment you brought me in here." "Nobody has touched this case except for me," "I decided what to put in it and everything in it belongs to me." " You're sure?" " Totally sure." " May I have a look inside?" " I'd rather you didn't." " And why is that?" "It's full of drugs." "And you if add that onto the fact that this mortgage is two percent lower than the standard APR of most other banks, you'll see that with us" " you'll be up to $3,000 a year better off." " Great." "And there's the default option of up to four weeks a year." "That won't cost you a penny in interest." "Great." "That sounds good." "And let's not forget the cash back deal." "That's worth $1,000 to you." " Wow, I'll take it." " Great." "Just sign at the bottom there." "That's fantastic." "Your home's at risk if you do not report repayments or authorize and secure a mortgage... penalties." " What?" " Nothing..." "Now... the other thing you might be interested in is our home insurance policy which we're offering today at 30% discount if taken out at the same time as the mortgage." " I do need insurance." " Great." "Well, as a special offer today, anybody that signs up gets a free weekend in Mexico." " Wow." "I'll take that, too." " Great." "Just sign at the bottom there." "Tickets are economy singles on a greyhound bus without toilets" " and accommodation is a one-man tent in downtown Tijuana." " Pardon?" " Nothing!" "Now, you're getting excited, you and husban about the big move?" "Oh, I'm not married." "Me neither." " I'm actually recently divorced." " Me, too." "Do you, uh, fancy going out for a drink sometime?" "Okay, why not?" "What about tonight?" " Sure." "Okay." "I'll see you back here later on." " Okay." " Great." "No guarantee can be made that I won't cut you up into little pieces and drop you in the Colorado River like all the rest...." "Nothing." "Members of the jury, have you reached your verdict?" "We have." "And how do you find the defendant?" "Shifty." "What do you mean, "shifty"?" "We find him shifty and a little bit creepy." "You must say "guilty" or "not guilty."" "Okay." "We, the members of the jury, find the defendant guilty..." "looking." "You must say "guilty" or "not guilty" based on the facts." "I am basing it on the facts, the fact that he looks guilty." "Doesn't matter what he looks like." "You have to come to your verdict based on whether or not you believe he committed the crime in question." "Well, you didn't say that, did you?" "You said, "How do we find him?"" "That's just how we phrase it in court." "Well, you shouldn't." "That might be Jack the Ripper sat over there and we might find him a pleasant and amiable man." "And we'd say that, you'd let him go and you'd have the blood of innocent women all over your hands." " Look, sir..." " What you should say is "Do we think he did it?"" "All right." "Do you think he did it?" " Ah, well, that's a difficult question." "It was well over a hundred years ago." " Not Jack the Ripper, that man there." "Him?" "Well, as I say, he looks a little bit creepy, but I don't think he roams the foggy streets of London murdering 19th century prostitutes." "No, do you think he's guilty or not guilty of stealing a washing machine?" "Guilty." "And I'm not basing that on the way he looks." " And what are you basing that on?" " His defense." " At last." "She looks shifty, too." "I started drinking when I was 12." "It was around the time when my dad walked out on me and my mom." "I guess it really started because all the other kids were drinking, too, but then I..." "I graduated to drugs and, uh, more drugs." "I just felt lost and lonely... empty." "I don't know." "Anyway, it wasn't until I nearly died that I realized I had a problem." "And, uh... that's why I'm here." "I'm sorry." "That's all right." "Here, do you need a tissue?" " Thanks." " Sure." "All right, so, Kelsey, I hear what you're saying, and, um, to me, it sounds like this:" "My dad left me." "Oh, no!" "I started drinking and doing too many drugs." "I almost died." "Oh..." "I didn't bring the right shoes for this." "Mmm... cup?" "Yeah." "You got it." "Okay, it's your turn." "Okay." "I spy with my little eye..." "something that starts with a "P."" "P..." "P..." "P..." " P..." "P..." "Pen!" " No." "Paper." "Popcorn." "No." " Purse." "No." "Okay." " Package." " No." " Putter?" " No." " Plant." " No." " Pipe." " No." " Piano!" "No." " Pineapple." "No." " Potato gun." " No." " Pill bottle." "No." " Plastic wrap, pot pie, petri dish?" " No." " Paris, primate, Penny Marshall?" " No, no, no." " Power drill." "Pliers." "No." " Piggy bank." " No." " Pajamas." " No." " Pinball machine." " No." " Pasties." " No." " Pompoms." " No." " Picket fence!" " No." " Projector!" " No." "What is it?" "What is it?" "What is it?" "It was a bit windy coming over that bridge, wasn't it?" "Your right eye actually looks pretty good." "Let's test your left one." "Go ahead and shut it and open it for me." "Good." "Now, to me." "Stop it." "You're making me blush." "Okay, do you see that eye chart over there?" " Yeah." "Please read the second line." "Okay." "Um..." ""U."" ""R."" ""A."" ""Q." "T."" "I'm a cutie?" "You need to stop it." " I was just..." "Okay, please follow my finger." "Good." "There it is." "O kay." "Mm-hmm." "Okay." "Uh, Mr. Barrett..." "You need to behave yourself." "I'm starting to think there's nothing wrong with your vision after all." "But I didn't..." "All right, we're going to do one more test and then I think you need to go home." " Okay." " All right, I'm going to dilate your pupils." "Please drop your pants." "Mission Control, this is Alpha Six." "We have a problem." "The thrusters have been severely damaged on impact, causing negative power." "If we don't take off soon, we're gonna be stuck on this God-forsaken rock until we die." "Till we die of suffocation!" "Houston!" "Do you hear me?" "!" "I hear what you're saying, Alpha Six, and it sounds to me like this:" ""Oh, no, the thrusters are broken." ""Boo-hoo, I'm stuck on the moon." "I can't breathe." "I'm gonna die."" "Are you Mr. Paul O. Tompkins, employee of Outpost Bank?" "Yes." "We're from the FBI." "We have reason to believe you've been stealing from your place of work." "Well, I don't know what this is all about." "Maybe you better come inside." "Okay, Mr. Barrett, this is Lee, and he's our interpreter for the hearing- impaired viewers." "Okay?" "Here we go." "All right, Mr. Barrett, do you think the opening of this building will help the local community?" "Absolutely." "We've been campaigning for a number of years now to have this center built, a center specifically designed for the local community." "We think it'll be big in terms of br... bringing together people with similar needs." "Uh, yeah, I think it'll make a huge difference." "Um..." "You keep hitting me with your hand." "I'm sorry." "Oh, I didn't realize." "Yeah, yeah." "If you could just take a step back a little bit." "It-it's okay." "We'll edit it together later." "Okay, let's keep it moving, please." "All right, Mr. Barrett, do you blame the city council for taking so long to build this center?" "Well, this is a day of celebration." "Um, I-I do admit, though, I am a little surprised that the political parties on both the right and the left have promised to provide funding for a number of years now, and it's taken the election of an extreme left candidate..." " Okay, are you doing this on purpose?" " Doing what?" " You're hitting me with your hand." " Okay, okay, let's, let's keep it moving." "Is the taxpayer getting good value for their money with this center?" "Well, I think it's important to remember that the city council is providing about 50% of the funds that are going to this project, whereas the other 50% is coming from local charities... and we're very thankful for that 50%." "Okay, what's, what's this?" "What's this?" "It's 50%." "No, it's not." "It's a chicken." "Yeah, but it's only half a chicken." "That's a hundred percent." "And that's 50%." "Yeah?" "What's 25%?" " Listen, you need to make deaf people understand, okay?" " Okay." "We're, we're..." "Hold on." "We're really pressed for time here, okay?" "Can we please keep moving?" "Mr. Barrett, can you tell us what facilities this center will have?" "Well, the facilities will be housing an extensive library, which will be providing both fiction and nonfiction by a number of leading authors." "There should also be a reference section for the local students, which will be open every day until about half past 11:00." "There will also be facilities for full Internet access available to the adults and the children." "In fact, in fact, we're, we're actually very enthusiastic about having the children use the facilities." "And, up on the third floor..." "Up on the third floor..." "I'm in the elevator." "There will be a coffee and social lounge where they will play music and a little bit of TV, and, basically, whatever they want to do and a couple of... okay!" "I've had enough of this, okay?" "You need to stop doing all this!" "I will beat you, I seriously will." "That's enough..." "Don't do this, okay?" "Mr. Barrett!" "Mr. Barrett..." "Please, Mr. Barrett." "Will there be any restaurant facilities at the center?" "Um..." "Yeah." "Yeah." "There will be restaurant facilities." "In fact, the grand opening will be tomorow, where there will be a special offer-- 25% off half a chicken." "Excuse me." "Excuse me." "Hi." "Have you seen my dog?" "He's about this big and his name's Buckles and he should beall wet and slimy 'cause he's been in the pond." "Sorry, I haven't seen him." "Oh, good." "He hasn't gotten out of the bag then." "Thanks." "Great." "Now let's get one with the bridesmaids." "Perfect." "Okay, now, one with everyone who's wearing a suit for the first time." "Oh, that's nice." "All right." "All drunk uncles." "All drunken uncles, please." "Great." "Okay, everyone who was invited out of politeness, but not expected to come." "Nice." "Okay, now everyone who's slept with the bride." "Reverend, at the back there." "Oh, actually, I need to use my timer on this one." "Now everyone who's slept with the groom." "So, sorry about the news, man." "Yeah, weed whacker wearing shorts." "Wasn't paying attention." " And you really lost one of your...?" " Testicles." "Yes." "It's gone, okay?" "And I came over here to forget about it." " So can we not talk about it, please?" " Yeah, no problem." " Missed you at bowling last night." " Oh, yeah?" "Yeah, Paul was bowling strikes all night, man." "It was unbelievable." "Me" " I got nothing but spare balls." "All night-- spare ball after spare ball." "I just shouted out "The last thing I need is another spare ball."" "I am so sorry." "I just stayed in and watched that movie about that Jessica Lynch." "You know, the marine that was held hostage." "Yeah, man, heart-wrenching." "Just can't imagine that poor little private all by herself." "Again, sorry." " Thanks for picking up the beer." " Oh, yeah, yeah." "Hey, you know when I was going to get the beer the clerk was all like, "Hey, do you want any help with your groceries out to the car?"" "And I was like, "What groceries?" "I only got one item in my sack."" "Pardon?" "Oh, I don't know how that happened." "I'm sorry." " Can we just change the subject?" " Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah." "Got my wedding ring fixed." " Oh, yeah?" " Yeah." "Diamond just popped right out." "It's a shame, 'cause it's the only family jewels I have, you know." " Look, I don't want to hear about it." "What, the ring?" "It's just a little lost rock." "Testy, aren't we?" "That's it." "I'm going." "Oh, come on, you're just going to leave me hanging here by myself?" " Just let it drop." " See, that one was you." " Hey." "Great mixer, huh?" " Yeah." "What a terrific idea." "You know, we're all here, we all have our own phobias, but we can get together, meet each other and not feel so alone for once." "Yeah." "What's your phobia?" " I have this unexplainable fear of apologies." " Sorry?" "What?" "I just told you I have this unexplainable fear of apologies." " What?" " I'm terrified of repetition." "Terrified of repetition?" "Hey." "Great mixer, huh?" "Sorry." "No screaming." "I have a fear of the word which is spelled A-A-G-H!" "That word." " I'm apologies." " Repetition." "Hello." "How..." " I mean, hi." " Good evening." "Ahoy there." "I have a fear of awkward silences." "I should have told you guys, I'm sorry." "Hey." "Great mixer, huh?" "What was that?" "I bark at other people's phobias." "I tried to switch out with the other waiters and they're all like, "Sorry..."" "Listen, this has got to stop, okay?" "I'm afraid of repetition." "You're afraid of repetit..." " Whoa!" " Whoa!" " Whoa!" "I'm scared of apologies." "Oh, I'm so sor..." " Mmm...!" " Mmm...!" " Mmm...!" "Man, this is so frustrating." "I could just scream." "No screaming." "I have a fear of the word which is spelled "A-A-G-H!" "That word." "Okay, you guys are all crazy." "You said it, pal." "We're just a big bunch of freaks." "I'm sorry..." " * All the leaves are brown * - * All the leaves are brown *" " * And the sky is gray * -* All the leaves are brown *" " * I've been for a walk * - * All the leaves are brown*" " * On a winter's day * -* All the leaves are brown... *" "Stop." "Stop." "What you're doing?" "You're suppose just follow my lead." "Okay, look, I say all the leaves are brown." "You say, "All the leaves are brown."" "And the sky is gray, "And the sky is gray."" "All right, let's try it again." " * All the leaves are brown * -* All the leaves are brown *" " * And the sky is gray * -* And the sky is gray *" " * I've been for a walk * - * And the sky is gray *" " * On a winter's day * - * And the sky is gray *" "Stop!" "All right, you're just not getting it, are you?" "Listen, I sing a line, and then you repeat it." " We did'nt" " Right?" "Ok" "All the leaves are brown "All the leaves are brown."" "And the sky is gray..." ""And the sky is gray."" "I've been for a walk..." ""I've been for a walk."" "On a winter's day .." ""On a winter's day," all right?" " This is different." "All right." " That's better." "One more time." " * All the leaves are brown * - * All the leaves are brown *" " * And the sky is gray * - * And the sky is gray *" " * I've been for a walk * -* I've been for a walk!" "*" " * On a winter's day * - * On a winter's day!" "*" "Stop!" "What part of this don't you understand?" "I sing a line, you repeat it" " What was all of this then?" " 'Cause you did it." "All right, fine, fine." "I was using a gesture for emphasis." "All right, let's..." "let's try this again." " * All the leaves are brown * - * All the leaves are brown *" " * And the sky is gray * - * And the sky is gray *" " * I've been for a walk * - * I've been for a walk *" " * On a winter's day * - * On a winter's day *" " * I'll be safe and warm - * All the leaves are brown... *" "Forget it!"