"Nice cap." "Those stairs were so hard for me." "This keeps happening, you're gonna have to start giving me therapy at chemo." "Two birds with one stone." " You know what I like best about you?" " What?" "My morbid sense of humor?" "Your eyes." "I remember the first time I came here and as I was leaving I looked at you, and you looked at me and I lost my breath for a moment." "It's a compliment." "I know." "Don't worry." "I'm not gonna jump you." "I'm in chemo..." "I can barely keep my food down." "You know, they have drugs they can give you" " that can counteract the nausea." " You're not even my type." "But your eyes are..." "Bottomless." "I'm just saying." "Are you okay?" "I just..." "I forget I can't do that anymore because of the thing I have there now." "Does the port hurt all the time?" "Only if I move a certain way." "I can't remember them cutting me open." "I didn't faint or anything, did I?" "No." "Do you remember them putting it in?" "Did you watch it happen?" "Not... not all of it." "'Cause you didn't want to see my breasts?" "Trust me, there's nothing really to see." "But thank you for not looking." "And thank you for taking me." "You're welcome." "{\You know, }It's funny..." "I've had so many conversations with you in my head over these last two weeks." "I mean, literally every day we've talked for, like, hours at a time." "We've had whole arguments in my head and then we've made up." "And what..." "What have we argued about?" "Whether life is just bullshit or there's something deeper behind it." "And what do I say?" "{\Well, }You don't say much even in my head, which I find frustrating." "But when I asked you if it was all worth it, you said," ""Of course it is, April, if you make yourself and others happy."" "What?" "I'm such an optimist in your head." " You wouldn't have said that?" " What you're essentially doing is giving yourself advice in the form of my voice." "I know." "And very sound advice it is." "You're taking very good care of yourself." "Once I asked you not to give up on me." "And what did I say?" "You said, "Never." "I just want to haze you for a while."" "What do you think I meant by that?" "You're testing me." "And how do you pass?" "I live." "Do you get extra points for telling your parents?" "Isn't it amazing how many people have cancer?" "And just, like, having conversations, doing sudoku." "Did you see those two girls in the corner on the computer?" "They were shopping online..." "For underwear." "We have catheters coming out of our fucking hearts and they're buying new bras." "You know, sometimes a little denial is not a bad thing... but don't tell anybody I said that." "I'm sorry I've been such an asshole in here." "I told you... no apologies." "I mean, I didn't answer your calls." "I made you let me talk to Sienna during a session." "I smashed my {\freaking }model in your office and I left it for you to clean up." "I must be the worst patient you've ever had." "Oh no, you're not." "Thank you for taking me." "And thank you for going." "No, really." "Thank you." "I heard that." "I had a bad night last week..." "Just a few days after the chemo." " I wanted to call you, but..." " Why didn't you call me?" "You canceled our session." "I thought you needed a break." " {\April, }That was nothing to do with you." " It doesn't matter." "I called my best friend Leah instead." "Leah." "I haven't heard you mention her name before." "What did you say to her?" "Well, I..." "I had woken up from this dream where I was already dead or..." "No, not exactly." "It was more like I knew that I was about to die, like something was coming to kill me." "It was horrible." "But..." "I also kind of wanted it to happen, just to get it over with." "There's another way of looking at that dream." "Maybe it's just the part of you that refuses help..." "I don't want to talk about what the dream means." "I was just, you know, setting the stage." "Understood." "Anyway, I woke up with this really high fever, like so high I was shaking..." "I couldn't even hold a glass of water." "And I totally freaked." "I mean, I really thought it was all about to end." "That's why I called Leah." "She came right over." "And she took one look at me and called 911." "On the way there the ambulance guys were asking me if I was on any medication that they should know about." "And I said," ""Well, chemo."" "So was Leah in the ambulance with you?" "And her mouth just... sort of hit the floor." "And..." "I was so out of it I just started apologizing." "You know, "I'm sorry." "I wouldn't have called, but..." "I'm dying," and..." "She took my hand and... she said, "April, you don't die this quickly."" "She sounds like a true friend." "She really is." "Yet you hadn't told her about the cancer till then." "I haven't seen her for a while." "She's in law school, so she's been really busy." "Have you known each other for long?" "We shared a bus stop with a bunch of other kids." "When I was 10, Daniel came to school with me for the first time." "He was trying kindergarten." "I was so afraid that everybody was gonna make fun of him." "And that first day, I turned around for just a second and when I turned back around," "daniel was standing there singing and holding his penis." "And I wanted to die right there." "I mean, everybody was staring at him." "Nobody said anything until..." "Until Leah said, "Daniel, you can sing or you can hold your penis, but you cannot sing and hold your penis."" "Everybody started laughing." "Then all the guys started singing and holding their own dicks." "It was amazing." "So she's always looked out for you?" "We've looked out for each other." "Her mom died when we were in high school, so she came to live with us for a while." "She's really more like a sister than a friend." "You know, her reaction when..." "When you called her reminded me of how Kyle reacted when you called him, when you were having trouble with the model, remember?" "You said that he also came right over." "Yeah, so?" "So it seems like the people in your life are very committed to you." "I have good taste in people." "I think it's more than that." "I think that you demand incredible loyalty." "So the only people you allow to get close to you are the people you feel that can measure up, people you feel that can really go the distance." "I'm incredibly loyal to them as well." "Yes, I know that." "So why are you making it sound like it's a bad thing?" "I guess I just wonder why you work so hard to make friends who are... so fiercely devoted to you and then," "when you need help, you seem reluctant to rely upon them." "I called leah." "Yeah, that's true, but you waited until you thought that you were dying." "It's like a bank." "You keep taking money out, then eventually there'll be nothing left." "So you think that there's only a limited amount of support that one person can offer another and when that support is used up, it's gone forever?" "If Leah had cancer, would you get tired of helping her?" "But not everyone is like me." "And what do you mean everybody is not like you?" "In the emergency room, the doctor told me I should expect more fevers just like this one." "As he said it, I saw Leah's face." "She just looked terrified." "For herself or for you?" "Enough." "I get it." "{\I mean, }I get what you're trying to say." "I just don't agree with you." "Is that okay?" "Of course." "Not everyone is like me, Paul." "I mean, I know you think I'm crazy, but I'm right." "I don't think you're crazy, April." "You canceled our session last week." "Yes, I'm..." "I'm sorry about that." "How did you feel when you got the message?" "Well, considering we've determined that I have a tough time elying on people, it was a pretty ballsy move on your part." "What happened?" "I had a family emergency." "So what happened?" "You don't want to tell me?" "Come on." "I told you I have cancer." "Just know that if I could've been there for you..." "I would have been." "I know that." "Hey, how old are you?" "A bit... a bit passed 50." "'Cause I was thinking this week, when..." "When Leah's mom died she was 35..." "We were 15 and she was 35..." "And I remember her being so old, like middle-aged, and... now she seems so young to me." "And I was wondering, you know, if I make it to 35, will I look back on the time in here and think," ""When I was 23 and Paul was 50, he seemed middle-aged." "And now he seems so young."" "You'll have to let me know when you get there." "So we'll keep in touch?" "My hair started falling out." "They say I'll... wake up one day next week and the rest of it will just be there on the pillow." "It's gonna be hard to keep it from my parents after that happens." "I guess you and I should start strategizing." "Or maybe you could just tell them." "I bet you and my dad would actually get along." "You're both sort of intense in the same way." "I think you should be part of that conversation." "We could ask them to come with you to therapy." "That might work." "We could schedule something before your next chemotherapy session." "No, we can't." "It's tomorrow." "So..." "Who's gonna take you?" "You?" "And what about Leah?" "What about her?" "Wouldn't you prefer if she took you?" "Do you not want to take me?" "It's not a question of whether I want to take you." "Okay, are you refusing to take me?" " You still haven't told your parents." " So?" "So you've got a whole system of support in place that you're not using." "I don't want my mother to take me to chemo." " Why not?" " Because I want you to take me." "I think we should talk about why you still can't tell this to your parents." " Is this some kind of a joke?" " No, it's not." "I am your therapist and you need one{\a therapist}, but you also need a caregiver and I cannot be both people." "You mean you won't." " It isn't appropriate." " Yeah, but you've already taken me." "I..." "I had to do that." " Nobody forced you." " It was the right thing to do." "April, you are very sick, but I crossed a line." "What line?" "!" "There's no line!" "There needs to be a line if I'm to continue being your therapist." " You just drew the damn line!" " April, listen to me." "I knew you couldn't take it." "I knew as soon as you saw that... them put that port into my heart, you said, "Fuck this shit." "This isn't my daughter." "This isn't my problem."" "What's going on?" "Tell me." "I can't." "Yes, you can." "I can't do this." "I'm gonna fail your fucking test." "No, you won't." "People die of this shit every day." "But not everyone is as strong as you, remember?" "I thought you were gonna take care of me." "I'm trying." "No, you're dropping me." "No, I'm not dropping you." "I'm here for you, April, as your therapist." "Until you're not." "I was so scared last week." "I dreamt I was dead." "I need you then." "I know." "I had a family emergency." "What happened?" "Did your dog die?" "My father." "What?" "It's okay." "He..." "He'd been sick for a while." "Your father died?" "How could you let me go on blathering like this when your... your father just died?" " I appreciate your concern..." " Were you close?" "No, not really." "Why not?" "He left the family when..." "When I was young." "So was your mom at the funeral?" "No, my mom has been gone for a while." "When?" "A long time ago." "Jesus." "So you've had it pretty rough, haven't you?" "I'm..." "I'm sorry." "We all have our fights to fight." "Well, look at you." "You deal with Daniel every day." "God, why do you have to do that?" " Do what?" " Turn everything around so that it's about me and my experience." "Can't I just feel bad for you?" "Sure." "Go ahead." "So are you..." "Feeling bad for me now?" "Yes." "We're having a whole conversation in my head." "I have expressed my sympathies about your father, and you have gratefully and graciously accepted my condolences." "Good." "You know, having a fantasy life as powerful as that..." "The ability to play out whole scenarios in your head... that's..." "That's the mark of a highly intelligent person." " Really?" " Yes." "Yes, according to some studies." "And what do the other studies consider it a sign of?" "Utter insanity." "Can we go back to talking about your chemo session tomorrow?" "Who can take you?" "I don't know." "I understand you don't want to talk to your mother..." "And I appreciate Leah can't take the stress..." "Yeah." "She's got midterms." "But you must have other friends who would like to be there." "I guess so." "What about Kyle?" "When you figure out who's gonna take you, will you let me know?" "Why?" "I want to know that you've found somebody." "I'm sorry about your dad, Paul."