"Hey, Mr Paper Man!" "Why don't you have a little look out the back for Build The Titanic Weekly?" " Al Pacino!" " What does he do?" "Something to do with computers." "They're depressive." "Sure it's yours?" " Mum said you wanted to do a DNA test?" " What?" "Hang on, you've been here seven years?" "Yep." "If I'm still here in seven years, hope they put me out of my misery." "Stephen?" "Is she dead?" "You know, it's crazy." "It's this business, honey, the movies" " I tell 'em, screw punctuation, gets in the way of the meaning, for me." "Leave it out!" "'Oh, my God, you're so right." "'I still can't believe I'm talking to you!" "'" "Yeah, I know." "It's off the hook!" "'So, what are you, like, working on at the moment?" "'" "Erm, right now, er, ho..." "Hold on!" "The S..." "I'm doing The Stand-Up Guys!" "'What's that about, like, comedians?" "'" "Yeah!" "Actually, though, no." "It's not really." "It's more kind of about two ageing conmen who try to put the gang back together for one last job." "Oh, cool!" "It's got Al Pacino in it, too!" "'Wow!" "Oh, my God!" "We should totally Skype - that would be hot.'" "Oh, yes!" "We must!" "I'd love to do that..." "'OK, cool!" "'Oh, hey, why don't I send these naked pictures of me?" "'" "Oh, yes." "Send them to my assistant." "His name is Martin Hurdle." "39A Pickhurst Road." "This is in England." "'Er, OK.'" "So, you threw your new jacket off a building?" "As a symbolic gesture, yes." "Then I remembered you've got to give three weeks' notice." "OK." "So nobody's noticed where I've been for the last three days, then?" "It's been busy here, Martin." "There's been a lot of changes." "They're pretty much revolutionised site maintenance." "We're called crews now." "There's A Crew and B Crew." "You're in B Crew and I'm B Crew leader." "Well, you were, in my absence, but I'm back now." "I did the crew leader training, though." "Throw a ball around in the morning and take notes in the afternoon." "There's loads of new rules." "Crew members are not allowed to make comments about physical appearance, even if positive." "Oh, come on!" "I've been here longer!" "But you quit." "Yeah." "Nobody noticed, though." "Dionne, you didn't tell me you were pregnant, and you kept Steven a secret for 18 years." "I think I've got a right to be pissed off." "Of course you have, Martin." "I never taught him how to..." "tie his shoes." "I never taught him how to..." "I never passed on my knowledge." "He was telling me about his brand-new BMW, and him being the manager of his company." "Imagine what he would have achieved with me as his dad!" "Martin, I think we need to meet in person." "All right." "I think that's a good idea." "That way I can... try to explain why I didn't tell you." "I..." "I need to fully understand it myself, you know?" "OK, great." "Text me." "I've got to go." "I'm on patrol." "Patrol?" "Leaf patrol." "Why doesn't everybody just leave me alone?" "!" "Aaagh!" "Aaagh!" "It's really good you're going to meet Dionne, Martin." "Let go of some of this anger." "It's really starting to bring me down." "Oh, sorry." "Well, I've got a boyfriend now." "I'm all loved up." "Don't want to think about you down here, all miserable." "What can me and Jesse watch tonight?" "Is this any good?" " Yeah, it's a classic." " Looks weird, Martin!" "Why haven't you got any normal films?" "This, Jean, is a collection of the best British voices ever committed to film." "It's not just about the voices, Martin." "It's about the story and the romance." "What's this?" "Have we seen this?" "Yes." "Old James Mason gets rather taken with a young girl." "You described it as a bit noncy." "What?" "See that?" "Hello, Jean." "Alan Rickman here." "I'm in this, trying to get my leg over, with Kate Winslet." "Yeah - the voice sounds familiar." "Nnnno, Potter." "Nnnno." "Oh, it's Harry Potter!" "I like it when you do ones that people recognise." "Peter O'Toole" " I'm an old-fashioned hell-raiser, Jean!" "They don't make 'em like that any more!" " You need a girlfriend, Martin." " Ah, now this is an Ealing comedy," "The Ladykillers - it's got Obi-Wan Kenobi in it?" "Remarkable windows, Mrs Wilberforce." "I like to think of the windows as the eyes of the house." "This is the weapon of a Jedi knight, not as clumsy or as random as a blaster." "Right, I'm going back upstairs now, Martin." "You doing Star Wars, it's really sad!" "Women don't like that!" "What's this?" "Yeah, you'll like that." "Nah, it's got subtitles - I hate that!" "No, it hasn't." "Give us it here..." "Subtleties, Jean - it's got subtleties." "Mmm." "I don't like them, either." " Oh!" " Are we going to work out tomorrow?" "No, Martin, you go on your own." "Jesse's enough of a workout for me." "Oh, Jean!" "Oh, hello there!" "On tonight's show, we've got Neil, a male newsagent who carries a rape alarm!" "Ha!" "Well, it's a personal alarm." "Do more." "I couldn't help but notice as I came through the door, you've got the "No more than three schoolchildren in the shop" card in the window - what a great rule that is!" "I'm actually thinking of lowering it to two." "There's a shop in town, it only allows one - that's what we're heading for." "Or none." "Hey!" "Why the long face?" "I had your father's watch stuck up my ass for five years." "What?" "Pulp Fiction." "I don't remember that bit." "He does say it, honestly." "How you been, then?" "Yeah, good, Martin." "Doing all right, mate." "I was just doing, erm," " internet dating profile, actually." " You're doing that, then?" "Yeah, you know, little dabble, just for a laugh." "Might find my soul mate, might not." "If I don't..." "I don't know what I'll do." "You've got your photo there and your headline there." "Then you fill this in, and ladies send you little messages." "Mmm - internet is a bit weird, though, isn't it?" "You never know who you're really talking to." "Yeah, I thought of that." "So I'm not going to give any real details - change me name, lie about everything, you know?" "Until I meet them, make sure they're not mental." "Right." "See, my headline is going to be," ""I will never make you come to the football on Saturday," ""let's go shopping instead."" "Oh, right." "That's good, isn't it?" "Why?" "My ex-wife, that was her biggest bugbear, me dragging her to the football." "So, I'm setting my stall out differently this time." "You should get involved, mate." "You ain't got a woman, have you?" "Nothing major." "I'll help with your profile if you want." "Look at all the women on here." "There's some nice ones." "She's all right, isn't she?" "She's got a chocolate lab." "What's that, some Willy Wonka shit?" "Chocolate Labrador." "Means she's got a brown dog." "No." "No dogs - can't go on holiday." "Shame, cos she looks lovely." "I'll fuck her off." "Right." "Anyway, just click that, and that's my profile gone live." "There I am." "Just got to wait now." "Bloody torture." "Heads up." "Schoolchildren." "But it's Saturday." "Plain clothes." "Still schoolchildren." "Martin." "Hiya!" "Just popped up because I found a film you guys might like." "I'm going to the pub, do you want to come?" "What pub you going to?" "Are you going to be Irish?" "Hello." "I'm Martin, I live downstairs." "How's it, bro?" "I'm Jesse." "Good to put the face to the name, fella." "I've heard you scrabbling around down there, but never seen you." "It's great you want to meet me, but schoolboy error - you've blundered up while we're having sex, man." "Right." "Thanks, Martin." "Michael, how are you doing?" "Very well, Paul." "And you?" "Yeah, fine, you know." "Pint of me usual." "Right you be." "Steven." "You all right, love?" "Yeah, I'm looking for my..." "For Martin." "Is he here?" "No, sweetheart." "He went to the pub a while ago." "Cool, which pub?" "Eh..." "Oh!" "What's up, cuz?" "This isn't a great time." "We're just about to get our freak on." "This is Jesse." "This is Steven, Martin's boy." "Sweet." "I'm Jesse, Jean's friend." "Are you all right, mate?" "Yeah, I just really need to talk to him." "OK." "Well, he's probably in the Irish pub on Church street." "Cool." "Yeah, I know the one." "Call him before you go in." "OK." "Take it easy, bud." "Jean's friend?" "He was, "For fuck's sake, Michael, I've only got the two hands!"" "Come on, Michael." "Come on!" "You're our champion, Michael!" "A dance-off!" "Come on, lads!" "Michael Jackson!" "Martin!" "Let's go." "You all right, Steven?" "Yeah." "Look, Martin, I'm sorry to bother you in here while you're..." "Hanging out." "Yeah." "I spoke to my mum." "She told me you called her." "I didn't upset her, did I?" "No." "No." "No, eh, look..." "I haven't been totally honest." " Oh?" " I lied to you." "My car is older than I made out." "My job..." "I'm not the manager, not even close." "It's just..." "like, I never had a dad before." "I wanted you to be impressed with me." "And I feel like a dick now." "I just didn't want you to think I was dishonest." "Hey, Michael!" "You can't just put the tracksuit on and come down the pub, you know." "You got to move your arse a bit as well." "How you been?" "How's your speedboat, you fucking player?" "Here we go." "How you doing, Conor?" "Not bad." "The speedboat's deadly." "Go grab a pint, I'll be over in a minute." "No worries." "Looks like bullshit runs in the family." "Martin, this is mental!" "How do you do it?" "I don't know, really," "I can just hear things in the way people talk and latch onto them." "McKellen." "Sir Ian McKellen." "You can do any voice?" "Ah no, some you can't get at, you can't access." "Those people in the pub think you're Irish." "Yeah, I know." "I like going in there, though." "It's like a little break from being me." "I do the same thing, kind of." "Obviously not to the same extreme, but I change the way I am around different people." "I think everybody does." "You've taken it to another level, though, to be fair." "You are living a lie." "The celeb voices, you could blag so much free stuff, just call up and pretend to be people." "I got a box set of Planet Earth once, rang up the BBC as Attenborough and demanded it." "Took ages and got a bit awkward in the end." "I've lost mine, I've got the in-laws coming round." "They want to watch it." "You could make money out of this, Martin." "Radio, adverts, TV." "Why haven't you done anything with this?" "I don't know." "Performing scares me a bit, you know?" "Being in the spotlight." "I'll help you." "I'll manage it, we can do it together." "I'll do some research." "I'll think about it." "I'm meeting your mum tomorrow." "Yeah, I know." "I'm glad." "You've got a lot to talk about." "Hey." "I met Jean's new boyfriend." "Bit of a knob, isn't he?" "Complete knob." "Yeah." "Doesn't suit her." "Easy fella." "What's cracking?" "Can you do an impression of me?" "My name's Steven and I've got a flying BMW, and I'm global president of Steven Industries." "All right, Paddy O'Faker!" "Suppose we could both do with being a bit more honest." "Hi, baby, it's Chris." "Oh, my face?" "It's just Botox." "It's a trick of the trade." "Hey, I've got this crazy idea." "How 'bout you show me a liddle iddy biddy titty?" "Oh?" "No way?" "!" "Wowzers!" "What you just said really surprised me." "This isn't going to bloody work!" "I'm so lonely." "There I was, facing the beast." "He'd had a good go at old Sir Terry." "I could hear my punctured lung whistling as I panted there underneath that hot Spanish sun." "The bull lowered its head, and flared its nostrils and pounced." "A little sidestep, a little shimmy and I caught the monster by the horns and pulled its head clean off." "I'm not ashamed to admit I bathed in its blood that night." "I'll never forget that crazy day from the tattoo" "I had of the incident all up the side of my cock." "So where are you going to take her?" "Just for a drink." "Is it going to be weird seeing someone you used to have sex with?" "No!" "You embarrassed about having grey hair?" "No!" "Do you think you'll get back with her?" "No." "Not at all." "Go get the biscuits, will you?" "No, cos then you'll get the comfy chair." "Steven reckons I can make money from doing me voices." "I could quit my job." "I don't think you should run away with yourself, Martin, you've got to pay the rent here every month." "Yes, Jean, I do know." "Aah." "You look really handsome, Martin." "Yeah?" "Hmmm." "Steven lent me the jacket." "Might hang onto it for when all me internet dates come flooding in." "Hmmm, not bringing them here, are you?" "I don't want to hear that." "Well, I've heard..." "You're always with Jesse now." "I never get to see you." "What do you think of Jesse?" "He's all right." "You think he's a knobhead, don't you?" "No." "I don't want to see you get hurt." "Hmm." "Right." "I'm going for a bath." "Knackered." "Good luck tonight, Martin." "Oh, gosh, there she is, man!" "OK, just grab a drink, then go over." "Too late, buddy!" "Geronimo!" "Dionne." "Martin." "Still talking to yourself, then?" "Yeah." "My boss is so young she's never used a teapot." "Once she couldn't name a single seasonal food apart from a Cadbury's Creme Egg." "Well, I feel old, too, Martin." "But you think back to when we were kids - bloody hell, it's better now." "We're not even 40, listen to us!" "I know!" "I mean, old grannies must look at us and see us as young." "I don't feel young." "Fuck!" "Imagine what it'll be like when we're properly old?" "It'll be mental." "Yeah." "Steven's an old soul, isn't he?" "He's mature." "You've done a great job bringing him up, Dionne." "Thank you, Martin." "And I'm sorry how things worked out." "I'm not sorry now, but..." "Well, we were kids, weren't we?" "Yeah." "Why didn't you tell me?" "Martin..." "We went out for five months, we split up, a month later I found out I was pregnant." "I had to think of Steven." "I could have been a good dad." "You always said you wanted to travel." "You had such grand plans for your life." "Did I?" "Yeah." "Well, I couldn't rely on you 100%." "Well, I didn't travel or do anything, really, so..." "We were more friends than lovers most of the time, weren't we?" "Yeah." "You make a decision and it's just for that day." "Then it's a week." "Then you've got a five-year-old." "Life happens." "Time goes past." "So why now?" "Well, I always told Steven that if he wanted to meet his dad, he could when he was 18, and..." "And..." "I did want to go travelling, didn't I?" "Yeah." "I was going to go to India." "You could still go to India." "They haven't moved it." "Yeah." "Oh, God!"