"It's dangerous enough without setting fire to the base." "What's the first rule?" "Don't set fire to the base?" "Don't set fire... exactly!" "In fairness, sir, there was no real harm done." "The paperwork's safe in the ISO, and nobody's been hurt." "Oh, that is good news." "It'd be awful if Mac or Rocket had been singed." "I presume they're to blame for this debacle?" "Well, I will be investigating the cause of this fire vigorously, sir." "How is this going to look when the Secretary of State for Defence arrives tomorrow?" "Is he?" "Or she?" "Five hours of standing around, nodding, pointing..." "Tell me about it." "Pretending to laugh at his stupid jokes." "HTEA." "HTEA?" "Having to explain acronyms." "Awful." "Oh, and did I mention?" "You'll be looking after him." "What?" "!" "As a favour to me." "Since this whole fire incident has really brought us together." "No, but, sir, I am on call for..." "Yes, yes, if there's a device, you must go, but otherwise, you're in charge of keeping this prize-winning chump out of harm's way." "And out of my way." "Yes, sir." "Do that and I might overlook this gigantic flaming cock-up." "Carry on." "Do you want your kebab now, boss?" "Yes, I do." "Ah!" "Hot!" "Hot, hot!" "OK, guys." "Everything squared away?" "Yes, boss." "And by everything, I mean a bunch of fire-damaged kit and ashes." "Why, Gloria, why?" "Get that thing thrown away." "Boss, the fire safety on this base is a shambles." "What makes you say that?" "I did try and warn you about the dangers of barbecues but..." "Faruq got us a goat." "It needs eating." "I would like to volunteer to be the fire safety officer for the base." "Fine." "I'm ideal for the job because I am used to pre-empting danger with my hawk-like..." "I said "fine", Simon." "Go and see the lieutenant colonel." "I'm sure he'll be just as excited as I am." "Yes, boss!" "Boss, there's someone at the gate asking for you." "Oh, that will be my Ocado order." "A bloke called Ahmed." "Young-ish." "Friendly-ish." "Bellend-ish." "Unfortunately he thinks he's on our side, so we can't shoot him." "Did I mention he's an utter bellend?" "Well, he seemed fine to me." "I bet you anything he's a bellend." "You can't prove someone's a bellend." "Ten dollars." "Within 24 hours, you'll be calling him a bellend." "You're on!" "All right, Towerblock." "You can go and make your own unbiased assessment of his bellendery." "Oh, and he may have brought an IED with him." "His hobby is digging them out of the ground to show us." "Really?" "Yeah." "It's weird." "You know, we have the same hobby and yet" "I still don't like him." "Now, off you fuck." "Sorry, Ahmed." "The captain's busy." "Well, this is OK." "The two of us, we can work together." "I wish to ensure the safe disposal of these land mines." "OK..." "Good, but we'd prefer it if you'd just leave them where you..." "Shit!" "Stop!" "Don't throw them around!" "That is TNT coming out!" "Chillax it, mate." "They're old!" "If they were going to go pop, they would have gone by now." "Am I right?" "Listen, you total bell..." "You totally believe... that you're doing the right thing, but it's probably best if we just place them carefully in the pit while trying to keep them level." "OK?" "OK." "Shit!" "Best of both worlds, mate." "I throw them to you, you place them carefully in the pit!" "OK?" "Mary, you look more fragrant than ever." "I'm not showing the minister around." "Oh, come on, Mary!" "I've got 1,023 more important things to do than babysit a PONTI for the next five hours." "So have I..." "What did you call him?" "PONTI?" "P-O-N-T-I." "Person Of No Tactical Importance." "Well, that's about right." "Because if I have to look after him," "I'll end up punching the Tory twat in his stupid Tory face." "Wow!" "Did not see that one coming!" "Bloody Tories, cutting benefits, cutting taxes for the rich and cutting the Army." "And taking the Lib Dems down with them." "Well, You're foxy when you're cross." "We should talk politics more often." "Let's have a steamy night in and talk about foreign policy." "Nick!" "This does actually matter." "Sure it does." "It does!" "No, I'm agreeing." "No, you're not." "Anyway, who do you vote for?" "You do vote, right?" "Yeah, I vote." "I voted for..." "Who was the hot girl on X Factor?" "Bye, Nick." "Sir, in view of recent events," "I would like to volunteer to be the fire safety officer for the base." "Fine." "I'm ideal for the job because I'm used to pre-empting danger with..." "I said "fine"." "Talk to CQMS." "He might have some equipment..." "Sir... or a special hat." "Why do ministers insist on visiting Afghanistan?" "Why don't they just watch Ross Kemp, like everyone else?" "And they always drive off the heli in a natty little Land Rover." "I'm a lieutenant colonel and I don't have a natty little Land Rover." "Are you saying you want a Land Rover, sir?" "What's the first rule?" "Get a Land Rover." "See?" "Good morning, Colonel." "I'm the minister." "Don't take the fucking piss, mate." "I think I know who the Secretary of State for Defence is." "Uh, I'm the Minister for the Armed Forces?" "Colin Walters?" "Welcome to the base, sir." "Please excuse my earlier comments." "Don't worry, it happens all the time." "I'm new!" "Lieutenant Colonel Smith." "This is Captain Medhurst, who has generously volunteered to look after you for the few hours that we're delighted you could spend with us." "Much obliged." "Ooh, Tim, write these names down, please." "Uh, this is Corporal House, sir." "Sir." "House." "And Corporal Bird, sir." "Bird." "Lance Corporal Simon Lansley." "Fire safety officer." "Which as you can see is going very well." "Minister, can I get you a brew?" "Yes, a brew would be lovely." "Thank you." "So, Jenny got moved to Transport, Neil got done for expenses, and the next thing was," "I got a call saying, "Fancy being Minister for the Armed Forces?"" "What an inspiring story." "It's quite funny when you think about it." "I wasn't even a Cub Scout." "And it's all one big game of Cubs out here." "Aye." "Dib, dib, dib." "Step, step, bang!" "Oh, sorry..." "No, I..." "Look, I really need to see the full picture." "I need to see the grit." "The muck." "The danger." "Sir, I've been tasked with keeping you out of harm's way so I..." "No, no, no..." "I want to be in harm's way." "Yeah, it's just I hear that getting your legs blown off isn't quite as fun as you'd first imagine." "What I meant was..." "I just want to see something go bang, but you're right." "What I'm really here for is to find out what you guys want from us." "Tim?" "Better food." "Yes." "Oh, more food." "Relocation of the entire war to Tuscany." "Ha!" "That's good, that's good." "Don't write that down, Tim." "Maybe you could show me around the base, hmm, and then we'll see where we get to?" "We'll just get to a different bit of the base?" "Ooh, ah, boss." "Permission to deliver a fire safety lecture at a suitable time..." "Denied." ""In case of emergency shout, 'Fire, fire, fire.' " Sounds reasonable." "Except in a war zone, where we all have weapons." "Oh, yes!" "Good point." "Thank you, Fire Officer Lansley." "Who took...?" "No." "Oh, hi, Mary." "I literally had no idea you'd be in here." "Ah, the padre in the chapel - what are the chances?" "Look, if it's about that Tory twat again, I've already told you..." "Oh!" "Gosh!" "Hello!" "Hello!" "Rev Mary Greenstock." "Nice to meet you." "I'm Colin Wal..." "Walters, yes, I know, yes, Lib Dem member for Croydon West." "What's all this?" "You know him, then?" "Oi-oi!" "No, no, no, not personally." "Well, I wish!" "No, I mean, I know your work." "I know your work." "He's a Methodist lay preacher and tireless social justice campaigner." "Good news, Minister, we appear to have flushed out your stalker." "Oh!" "Stalker!" "By the way, the photo on your website doesn't do you justice." "Seriously?" "Oh, well, I'm sure that if the chaplains' department wanted someone to put on their, er, website, they couldn't do better than you, Padre." "Minister..." "Look, why don't I show the minister around?" "Because I think Nick must have 1,023 things to do." "No, actually, no." "Boss, we've got a shout on suspected IED in Yellow 15." "1,024 now." "You must go." "No hurry." "The bomb'll still be there." "But what if somebody steps on it?" "Then it won't be there." "Problem solved." "Fine..." "I'll do the bomb." "Ooh!" "When we get back, let's eat the rest of that meat." "No more barbecues!" "That's an order from the fire safety officer." "But we've still got three-quarters of our goat left, and it's no' that nice raw." "I don't care!" "No more barbecues!" "What if... we didn't cook it on a barbecue..." "You want tandoor?" "What's a tandoor?" "A clay oven." "Very hot fire." "Bury it in the ground." "Kebabs - delicious." "We should get that." "I find one for you." "We shall agree." "100 dollars." "I'll give you 20." "Done." "What was that?" "What were you selling him?" "Porn." "Right, Towerblock, this device is very unstable, so I think we're going to have to blow it in situ." "But what about collecting evidence for forensics?" "Fine, if we have to." "But gotta work fast cos we're losing the light." "Yeah, good point." "It does always get dark around noon!" "At least I think is says noon." "The sun's so blindingly bright I can't quite..." "Yes, all right." "I have to get back to get that PONTI away from Mary." "Ah." "Probably too late." "He'll be bending her over the altar as we speak." "I'm saying they're fucking." "Yes, all right!" "Boss, I see movement." "Something is happening." "Glad we're paying extra for detail." "Do not engage until we PID." "Do not engage until PID." "Diamond 21, this is Bluestone 42." "Contact." "Wait out." "Who the fuck is that?" "Do not engage!" "It's Ahmed!" "I thought he...?" "Oh, fucking hell!" "Ahmed, stop shooting your fucking gun!" "Taliban!" "He says the Taliban can lick his balls!" "I can see them." "The Taliban - not his balls." "Tree line - two o'clock." "Ahmed, you have to stop doing this!" "But, Bluestoners, I came to help my new friend, Towerblock!" "We make an awesome team." "There we go, Towerblock." "Some training on handling locals." "Why don't you outline the rules of engagement to Ahmed so I don't have to punch him in the face?" "Er, OK, Ahmed, if you want to get involved, you need to join the ANA." "Ahmed, why don't you share your views on the Afghan National Army with Towerblock here?" "They can lick my balls!" "He seems really keen on people licking his balls." "Maybe he doesn't have a shower." "What you're doing fucks up the rules of engagement." "We need positive ID before we return fire." "This is what I like about the British." "They are all about jokes!" "My most favourite comedian is Michael McIntyre." "And what's our favourite joke of his?" "Oh!" "The first time I heard him, I thought, yes!" "I, too, have man drawer!" "And... what do you keep in it?" "Grenades." "Course you do!" "See?" "A massive end of a gigantic bell." "Sir!" "Hi, Nick." "Padre." "Sir, if I could peel you off Mary for just one moment." "I'm about to conduct a logistical demolition and I wondered if you would like to spend your last hour with us watching something go bang?" "Ooh." "That sounds good." "Mary, do you mind?" "No, of course not." "No, no, no..." "You're the boss." "Literally." "Sorry." "No, I'm just the Minister for the Armed Forces." "I can't even start a war." "Well, that's something." "Shall we?" "Ah, Private, could you hop out so I can borrow this vehicle?" "Er... no, sir." "I beg your pardon?" "This vehicle is for the exclusive use of the minster, sir." "The minister's not here, is he?" "So, be a good chap and hop out, Private." "Sorry, sir." "Specific orders from Brigade HQ." "Well, I'm a lieutenant colonel, so just... put those orders to one side." "Temporarily." "Sorry, sir." "Can't I just have a tiny go in it?" "A tiny, tiny go?" "Please?" "Come on, please?" "Superior office, please?" "You've made yourself a powerful enemy, Private." "That should do it." "Boss, the colonel said to keep him out of harm's way." "This is out of harm's way... ish." "And it's out of Mary's way." "I saw how much serviceable explosive you used." "They're going to hear this in Kabul." "Fuck it!" "I've got to stop him slithering into Mary's affections like some kind of tiresome, parasitic worm." "Right." "Time for some fireworks." "I mean the safe disposal of ordnance in a controlled environment." "Can I press the button?" "!" "Can I press the button?" "!" "Towerblock, we have guests!" "Sorry." "Sir, would you like to press the button?" "Yes, please!" "Everyone in cover!" "Stand by." "Controlled explosion in seconds one zero." "Ten..." "Sir, if you just wait for the countdown... ..nine... ..then push those two together. ..eight, seven, six, five..." "Should have a bit of a kick." "I bumped up the donor charges by 10%." "..four, three, two..." "But I already did that." " ..one." " Oh, shit Firing!" "Oh, yes!" "Woo-hoo!" "So, Minister, this is what we do." "Wow!" "Fantastic." "Shame you can't stay any longer." "We could've taken you out in the field with us." "Do you really mean that?" "Course!" "Tim, cancel my meetings for tomorrow." "I'm staying with Bluestone 42." "Oops." "And how long does he think he's staying for?" "A week?" "A lunar month?" "Well, I hope it's..." "Shut up!" "Medhurst, you are without doubt one of the least professional officers" "I've ever had the misfortune to meet." "And I've been on joint ops with the French!" "Sir, he did specifically request to see a controlled demolition." "Oh, then since you're in a generous mood, I'm specifically requesting that you baby-sit that tiresome clot until he leaves, at which point, you will be on shit-burning duty for the next six months." "Sir." "Now, if you'd be so kind as to shut the door as you get the fuck out of my office?" "Is it ready yet?" "We've got to keep it at 400 degrees." "Wood." "Paraffin." "Can I smell burning?" "Cookhouse, Skip." "It smells like a barbecue." "Aye, aye!" "It does a bit, doesn't it?" "I cannae see a barbecue, though, Skip." "Must just be the cookhouse." "Fuck!" "Why is the ground on fire?" "!" "Fire!" "Watch out!" "No, no, no." "That's paraffin!" "Ow, ow." "Right, get that put out." "I'm going to seek medical advice." "Right." "I'm up to my chin in shit with the colonel." "That shit is rapidly rising." "If we can't get rid of this PONTI, the shit's going to go above my head and I'm going to be swimming in shit." "Towerblock, I need you to call your bezza, Ahmed." "He's not my bezza." "He's a bellend." "You'll see." "Whatever." "At least he's reliably deranged." "What you've got to do is, you've got to tell him to bring in something that looks like a massive device, so the PONTI is evacuated." "You know, like a couple of palm oil containers, flour sacks taped together in the back of his car, bit of old wire." "That's a terrible idea." "The gate guards won't just let him drive it in." "Everyone watched Zero Dark Thirty last week and that's exactly what happened in that." "Is it?" "Which bit?" "The bit where they drive the car bomb into the base." "Oh." "Yeah." "That's my favourite bit." "I never saw it." "Was it any good?" "Erm, can we just focus here, please?" "We will tell the gate guards that he's just been cleared as a locally employed civilian." "You will then pretend to check the car then wave him through." "OK, boss, if you're sure." "Yeah!" "Just tell him we need something that looks just like a massive device." "Massive device, but not real." "Obviously not real." "Holy fucking shit!" "Are you fucking insane?" "I asked for a fake device." "I know, but I found a real one, mate, so brought you that instead." "And you didn't think to tell us that before we let you drive the fucking thing in here?" "!" "I could drive it out again?" "It's not safe!" "It might be?" "Everything all right." "Looks good, doesn't it?" "There's a reason for that." "Oh, shit!" "I thought you searched the car?" "I pretended to search the car." "Yes, but while you were pretending to search the car, I thought that you might have noticed..." "Doesn't matter, it's too late now." "Get my kit." "We'll set up an ICP over there and evacuate to the perimeter and we'll just tell everyone there's a suspicious-looking device in the car." "OK?" "Yeah, OK." "What am I going to do?" "Not smoke!" "Bellend!" "So, are we on?" "Yes." "Slight development." "The bomb is real." "What?" "!" "I thought it was a fake bomb." "Yeah." "So did I. Turns out it's a real one." "Hang on." "If the bomb that was meant to be fake is actually real, then nothing's changed." "There's no trouble." "We still evacuate him." "Everything's OK." "Yes, Simon - everything's OK, apart from the socking great bomb, right there, that could flatten out most of the base." "Oh, yeah." "Good morning, chaps!" "Has anyone seen the padre?" "Nope." "I hope I didn't frighten her off!" "Is everything all right?" "This some sort of drill?" "Funny story, Minister." "That is if you like stories that end with," ""There's a bomb in that car!"" "A bomb?" "Is it going to go off?" "No." "Milk goes off." "Cheese goes off." "Bombs function, detonate or destroy the entire base." "But what is it even doing in the base?" "Haven't you seen Zero Dark Thirty?" "Aye." "It was shite." "Yes, all right!" "To sum up - it's a firm three stars." "I'm sorry, Minister, but I'm afraid we're going to have to get you in a heli while I do a render safe." "I already took the liberty of ordering you one." "It's the Afghan Air Force, so good luck." "Shall we wait over here?" "Right." "Let's hope I can sort this quickly before the colonel finds out." "Oh." "Might just be me, but it seems this whole area is being evacuated." "Sir, if I can explain?" "That car..." "Don't drive a fucking car bomb into the fucking base!" "That's not even the first rule, it's so fucking obvious." "Sir." "Deal with that, then come and see me." "I'm going to personally make sure that you are moved to the shittiest desk job in the Army, where even the desk is made of shit." "Awkward!" "How long until the chopper gets here?" "I really want to say goodbye to Mary before I leave." "Oh, feel free to pop out, sir, and find her." "Oh, really?" "Yeah, just take a left at the car bomb." "Hey, Bluestoners!" "No cigarettes in here!" "This is live ammunition." "Would a joint be OK?" "I feel kinda tense." "Roger that." "Taxi for the minister." "Thank God!" "I can't take any positive action while the heli's there." "Tell him he's clear to land." "Boss." "Are we safe here?" "How d'ye mean, safe?" "If the bomb were to detonate, what would happen?" "What, here?" "Yeah." "We'd die." "Aye." "Definitely." "Die." "Shit!" "Let's do this." "OK, Towerblock, you can sound the all clear." "Nick, this wasn't all just to get that PONTI away from me, was it?" "No?" "So, you normally let car bombs onto the base, do you?" "One showing of Zero Dark Thirty and suddenly everyone's an expert!" "Well, if it was to get rid of him, you needn't have bothered." "Last night he told me he's about to defect to the Tories, just to keep his majority at the next election." "I thought he had principles." "It's just another Greenstock hope dashed." "Sorry." "No, you're not." "No, you're right." "So you didn't shag him, then?" "All done?" "Yeah." "Look, as much fun as this has been, I think I'm going to be back in the UK before the minister." "The colonel wants to make a bag-for-life out of my arse." "That's odd, because you may have noticed that the minister was evacuated in a heli rather smaller than the one that brought him in here." "Too small, in fact, to fit that in it." "No, oh, no, no!" "This is not safe!" "Get this all cleared up!" "Aw, come on." "We're having our morning shish!" "Where is he?" "Sir?" "That utterly useless soon-to-be-Lieutenant Medhurst." "He seems..." "Sir." "What, erm..." "It's a Land Rover." "So it is, sir." "So it is." "Thank you, Captain Medhurst, I knew I could rely on you and Bluestone 42." "Carry on." "Yumbles." "You know what, Towerblock, you should really have searched that car better." "I'd left all these grenades in the glove box." "Right." "Give 'em here" " I'll put them in the pit by the gate." "No." "It's OK, mate." "I'll put them in the pit by the gate." "No, not in the pit by the gate." "In the pit by the gate." "Sure." "Funny." "Ahmed, you fucking bellend, just do what I..." "Thank you!" "Not by the grenades!" "Fire!" "Fire!" "Fire!"