"( theme song playing )" "( Schultz hurrying prisoners )" "( Hogan's gang complaining )" "That goes for you, too, Newkirk." "What's the matter with you, Newkirk?" "It's such a nice day out, Schultz." "Blimey, the birds are singing on the machine gun nests, sun glistening on the barbed wire." "I have my orders." "Hey, Schultz, what's going on outside that we cannot see..." "Oh, come on, one little peek." "You are not supposed to look out of the window." "That's another order." "( all clamoring )" "Hold it!" "hold it, fellas!" "I'm surprised at you." "He has his orders." "We owe him a little cooperation." "Oh, thank you, Colonel Hogan." "Well, his orders are that nobody's to look out the window because..." "What's out there that we're not supposed to know about, Schultz?" "You're not supposed to look out of the window because we are bringing in..." "Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh." "I know nothing, I see nothing." "I say nothing!" "Okay, Schultz." "All right." "Fellas." "Newkirk, on the double, outside." "Watch the windows." "Wait a minute-- hold it, hold it." "What do you mean, he's going outside?" "It's a two-man job, Schultz." "You watch from the inside, he watches from the outside." "That way you can be absolutely certain nobody's going to look out." "Right." "I'm watching from the inside and he watches from the outside?" "Now, the rest of you, hands over your eyes and no peeking till Schultz says all clear." "This is silly." "Orders are orders." "( whistle blows )" "Aha-- all is clear." "It's all right now." "Everything went off perfect, Schultz." "Not an eyeball at the window." "See, Schultz, we may be decadent warmongers, but one thing we're not is peekers." "Another thing-- we are expecting some very important big-shot visitors, so the camp has to be kept especially neat and clean." "Oh..." "Commandant Klink requests no shenanigans, please." "You can tell Klink, I promise." "He's going to get just what's good for him." "Thank you..." "Colonel Hogan." "They were carrying stuff into the supply shack, big crates marked "Hühnerhabicht."" ""Hühnerhabicht"?" "Huhn." "Huhn means "chicken" in German." "They're delivering chicken?" "Hey, that must be why all the big brass are coming." "It's a party." "Klink's going to have a chicken fry." ""Habicht, Habicht."" "Hawk." ""Chicken hawk."" "Sounds like a code name of some kind." "Something's going on-- something big." "Did you replace the microphone in Klink's office yet?" "Haven't had a chance-- too many security checks." "Go out and grab some wild flowers, Carter." "Kinch, I need a transmitter." "KINCH:" "Right." "I don't like this "chicken hawk" business." "I have a strange feeling that we're the chickens." "Ah." "Good morning, Colonel." "I'm busy, Hogan-- dismissed." "Lovely, lovely day." "Here, compliments of the U.S. Air Force in exile." "( hums cheerily )" "There, that's better, mm-hmm." "Flowers, eh?" "Yeah, yeah, Schultz mentioned you were going to have some very important visitors and we wanted the office to look nice." "Yes, and you're bringing me flowers, eh?" "You are not curious why the officials are coming, eh?" "Why you were not permitted to observe our little activities this morning?" "You are here to get some information, aren't you, Hogan?" "Colonel, I've always said, your camp is our camp." "We want to make a good impression." "You think it needs more greens?" "Hogan, I'm on to you." "You're wasting my time and your time." "You're not going to get one word out of me." "Huh?" "Oh, I understand." "Prime rule of a good officer." "Shoot straight and no snitching." "Precisely." "Yeah, wouldn't have it any other way." "Ah, General Burkhalter." "How very nice to see you." "Have you heard the wonderful news, sir?" "Have you transferred to the navy?" "The navy?" "The chicken hawks-- they're here." "I know." "I ordered them." "Now, have they put a new lock on your safe?" "Yes, sir, they have." "Good" " I don't want to take any chances with these blueprints." "The chicken hawks will be taken to the airfield just before the test Thursday afternoon." "The entire general staff will be here." "Sir, we'll be ready." "And may I say that I'm flattered that Stalag 13 was chosen for the test." "Doubtless it is because of my distinguished record and my security measures." "And because a POW camp is safe from Allied air raids." "BURKHALTER:" "And it has a good view of the target areas." "And maybe also because if something goes wrong, we will not lose anything important." "( chuckles nervously )" "So that's what they are-- bombs." "KLINK ( over radio ):" "Sir, I know that the chicken hawks are dropped from planes, but what's so special about that?" "It's the aiming device on each bomb." "It zeros in on any radio transmission." "These bombs will automatically find enemy command posts, radar-- everything." "Klink, this will win the war for us." "Incredible." "KLINK:" "Sir, tell me, how does this aiming device work?" "BURKHALTER:" "Very simple, Klink." "Even you will understand it." "The secret is right in the tip... ( sneezes ) Gesundheit." "( Burkhalter sneezes again ) Gesundheit." "What are those?" "Just some flowers." "With my hay fever?" "Get rid of them." "( sneezes forcefully )" "( sneezes again )" "( sneezes )" "( vase breaks )" "( static )" "Isn't it something?" "We could lose World War II because of a sneeze." "That bomb "chicken hawk" is nothing to sneeze at." "We've got to grab one, find out what makes it tick." "How are we going to do that?" "By making a raid in the chicken coop." "Excuse me." "NEWKIRK:" "Hey, I say they got no right to make us flipping shovel with it." "( all complaining )" "SCHULTZ:" "What's the fuss all about?" "HOGAN:" "Well, you can't blame them:" ""Pick up this, clean up that."" "So what if Göring is coming, Goebbels or any of them." "We didn't invite them." "Göring?" "Goebbels?" "Next you'll be asking us to shine the barbed wire or clean inside the warehouse." "That's right." "Well, I say you can forget it." "But I didn't..." "Sure, the field marshal will say," ""Whose idea was it to clean up this place so nice?" ""Oh, Sergeant Schultz, huh?" "For him a ten-day pass."" "Well, I say you can't force my men to do it." "A ten-day..." "Who says I can't?" "I say they do, and if I say, they do." "It isn't fair." "What do you mean, it isn't fair?" "You go in there and you clean up and make it look sparkly." "You understand?" "All of you." "HOGAN:" "To think you'd do that to them just for a lousy ten-day pass." "Now, wait-- no backtalk." "Oh..." "Achtung." "What's going on here, Schultz?" "I have the prisoners clean up the warehouse, Herr Kommandant." "I thought it would be a very good idea." "Sergeant Hans Schultz, serial number 34789." "Very well, Schultz." "Dummkopf!" "No one is allowed in there!" "My orders exactly, Herr General." "Colonel Hogan, take your prisoners back to the barracks immediately." "All right, fellas." "Thank you, Colonel." "I knew it wasn't right." "At least someone around here is making sense." "We could saw through some of these floorboards." "Then when all the generals get on the stand-- boom!" "LeBeau, you've got an evil mind." "Oh, you're just saying that." "KINCH:" "That wouldn't solve our problem." "We've still got to grab one of those bombs." "CARTER:" "Any plans?" "Not the foggiest." "Hold the phone." "You just said the magic word." "I did?" "The plans, the blueprints." "Burkhalter put them in Klink's safe." "Having them'd be better than having the bomb." "Klink's safe's no problem, sir." "I'll have them out in half a tick." "Not so fast." "Klink had the lock changed." "t's dodgy." "We'll just have to go to the colonel and have him show us the combination." "Just like that?" "Why not?" "Under the circumstances, it's the least he can do for us." "Come on, Newkirk." "So you want me to keep your watch here for you." "Why, Hogan?" "Can't we just say as a favor, sir, and let it go at that?" "No, we can't." "Now, what's this all about?" "Oh, I'd rather have my tongue cut out than have to admit it, but, well, I'm afraid there's a... there's a thief among us in the barracks." "A thief?" "One of your men?" "Yeah, for the very first time" "I..." "I don't think we deserve to win the war." "But stealing?" "Hogan, are you certain?" "Yesterday the pegs from our cribbage board, before that, Carter's soap carving of Rin Tin Tin, and just this morning a pair of socks and our pet mouse." "But those are trifles." "Trifles to you, sir, but remember, we're men who have nothing." "They're treasures to us." "That mouse was awfully good company." "And, sir, I just have a feeling that watch is going to be next." "It's priceless to me." "It was given to me by my dear old grandmother." "She bought it with her egg money." "All right, I'll keep it for you." "Isn't there a more secure place, sir?" "Oh, come now." "You don't expect me to keep it in my safe?" "That would be perfect." "Then I could sleep." "Not for me, sir, for Granny." "Just until the thief is found." "That's quite impossible." "The safe is for official business only." "Yeah, I..." "I understand, sir." "You take it." "I'd rather you have it than some contemptible sneak thief." "It's a gift-- it's yours." "Why, thank you, Hogan." "You're welcome." "I'll just put it in my safe." "Wise move, sir." "Uh-uh-- wait, wait, wait." "You stay right there." "A little more to the right." "That's it-- hold it." "NEWKIRK:" "Nine." "Forty-one." "Fifty-eight." "And seven." "Now, Hogan, is there anything I can do for you, hmm?" "No, sir, you've done more than enough, believe me." "Just one thing, sir." "We've done a little landscaping outside." "Would you like to inspect it?" "I'm much too busy, please." "Well, sir, it'll just take a minute." "I know you want everything to look right for the visitors." "Well, if it'll just take a minute." "Okay." "Yeah, we rearranged these rocks, sir, and painted them." "It's very nice." "Yeah, we wanted to plant some flowers, spell out "Klink" in marigolds, but there wasn't time." "It's fine like it is." "The real change is over by the flagpole." "If you'll just come with me." "I can't-- I have to call General Burkhalter." "No, no, sir!" "It'll have to wait." "Colonel, Colonel!" "Well, Colonel Hogan?" "Well, Hogan... what's this man doing here?" "I think it's quite obvious, sir." "No question about it:" "This man came to steal." "He was after my watch." "You mean my watch." "So you're the barracks thief, huh?" "Shame, Newkirk, for shame." "I should have that watch." "My mum promised she'd get me a watch when I enlisted, and she never did." "Why should you have a watch and not me?" "I should have that watch" "I was promised." "I'm sure your trained mind has already diagnosed this, sir." "A man with shaky moral values to begin with, then the long confinement." "No question-- mental aberration, acute kleptomania." "My thoughts exactly." "I should see to it personally." "If I might suggest, Colonel, leave his punishment to me." "Why should you?" "I don't understand..." "Putting it bluntly, sir, you'd be far too lenient." "You're too forgiving a man-- too compassionate." "This man has committed a very serious crime." "No question about it, he broke into your office, sir-- the commandant's office." "Come, Newkirk." "Don't let him take me, sir!" "Don't let him take me, please..." "Now stop that!" "You know my decision;" "you go with the colonel." "Newkirk!" "Say good-bye to the nice colonel." "Good-bye, nice colonel." "Newkirk..." "Your mom promised you this, too?" "Sorry, sir." "Well, we did all we could." "Can't win 'em all." "Yeah, but this is a big one." "This could lose us the whole ball game." "Well, the test isn't until this afternoon." "I have an idea, Colonel." "You know, we could radio London and ask them to send some bombers over and just clobber that warehouse." "One little detail, our barracks-- they're right next to the warehouse." "Well, we could ask them to be extra careful." "That would help." "Well, at least somebody's happy." "HOGAN:" "What's up?" "Why shouldn't he be happy?" "He's got a reason." "HOGAN:" "He's also got something else-- the blueprints." "LeBeau, can you make up a roll of paper like that?" "Right, Colonel." "Good" " Newkirk, get your camera ready." "Colonel, you can't steal those blueprints out of Klink's hand in broad daylight." "I wouldn't do a thing like that." "Stealing's a no-no-- ask Newkirk." "We're just going to make a little swap." "I want them absolutely straight!" "You understand?" "Absolutely straight!" "And I want every one of those chairs to shine." "Glad we caught you, sir." "All right, over there, LeBeau, huh?" "I want you to sign this, sir." "It's authorization for us to discipline Newkirk." "Very well, very well." "Finally decided on an appropriate punishment for him." "Mm-hmm, mm-hmm." "Wait a minute, it says here that you're going to shoot him." "Yes, sir-- at dawn tomorrow." "Don't forget your middle initial." "You can't shoot your own man!" "We can shoot him, but you can't." "Why can you do something we can't do?" "But, Colonel Hogan..." "Well, I mean, if you were in an American prisoner-of-war camp and another German wanted to shoot you, we'd let him." "But that's different." "We'll pay for the bullets." "We got money in our welfare fund." "No, no shooting him-- you can't do that." "I knew you'd be too lenient." "All right..." "I'll think of something else." "All right, fellas!" "Kinch, come on!" "KINCH:" "Right, Colonel." "Let's make this place shine!" "That's awful." "What a terrible officer." "He's even worse than our own..." "And hurry it up, Newkirk." "We got to get those plans back fast." "Oh, uh, Colonel?" "We changed Newkirk's punishment to solitary confinement." "Ah, good, good, good." "Would you sign these?" "Mm-hmm." "Thank you." "Uh, Schultz, your button." "Oh, boy..." "You want to look neat when they arrive." "SCHULTZ:" "Thank you." "HOGAN:" "Yeah..." "There..." "Good." "Did you sign all three copies, sir?" "Three times, mm-hmm." "Okay." "Ah!" "There's the general now." "Good." "All right, Kinch." "Let's keep it tidy." "There you go..." "Halt!" "Yeah, I'll take it." "No, no, no, no, allow me." "You did me a favor;" "I do you a favor." "Yeah..." "Good, Schultz." "I'll have that film developed in about ten minutes." "Just don't let any light in here, right?" "KINCH:" "Right." "HOGAN:" "All right, Kinch, contact the Underground." "We want that film in London just as fast..." "Hold it." "Ah, gentlemen, relaxing?" "Uh, yes, sir, just relaxing." "You've earned it, you've worked very hard." "I have never seen the camp look any better." "CARTER:" "Thank you, sir." "Uh, Colonel Hogan... the other prisoner, Corporal Newkirk, where is he?" "Newkirk?" "Um..." "He's in there, solitary confinement." "Like I said, he's coming along fine, but we thought it best." "You're probably right-- poor man." "On the other hand, a day like this," "I revoke all punishment." "We will give everyone a good reason to celebrate." "( chuckling merrily )" "You can come out now, all is forgiven." "What are you doing?" "I'm just rinsing out some socks, sir." "Oh..." "Well, all your privileges have been restored." "You see, gentlemen, when you're all nice to me," "I can be nice to you." "Camera crews have their instructions?" "Of course, Herr General." "They will all take positions in a big circle around the target area and we shall get films of the test from every angle." "And you are sure all radios have been removed from the vehicles?" "Yes, sir." "And may I say how pleased I am to have had such an important part in this very big event?" "Well... it's a great day for the Irish." "Yeah, I feel like I'm walking up a gangplank and there's no ship." "Well, we can always say we tried." "Came darn close." "There's just one hope:" "We can only pray those bombs don't work." "Or maybe we can pray they do work." "You want them to work?" "I can't believe it... our own colonel, a traitor!" "Relax, Carter, I'm still one of the good guys." "Maybe we've been going at this thing all wrong." "It's impossible to get the plans and the secret to the bomb, so instead let's just discredit it." "Oh, discredit it?" "Yeah." "Go over to the supply shack, get an armful of walkie-talkies." "Right, Colonel." "They may have the hawk, but we're going to give them a whole new mess of chickens to shoot at." "BURKHALTER:" "Gentlemen, we are ready." "Our target is that small building out there." "From here, those wires go to the target, turn on the radio transmitter inside that building." "The bombing plane is in position and will drop the bombs at ten-second intervals in exactly... 30 seconds." "Now, gentlemen, keep your eyes on the target." "I think you'll find it most interesting." "Turn on the target transmitter." "Turn on the target transmitter." "( transmitter begins humming )" "( drone of approaching plane )" "( bombs whistling )" "Target time is..." "Something has gone wrong!" "We've got to tell that plane not to drop any more bombs." "Luftwaffe X10, Luftwaffe X10, no more bombs!" "No more!" "Klink!" "No, not the radio!" "But I have to tell the planes, I..." "( explosion )" "Oh, Colonel, don't worry about a thing." "We'll have it cleaned up in no time at all." "All right, work detail." "Right, sir." "Boy, they sure aren't making cars like they used to, huh?" "Good news, Colonel." "Newkirk has snapped out of it completely, so now I can wear my watch again, I'd like it back." "You couldn't wear it anyway;" "it would look like a bribe." "Who cares?" "Remarkable recovery, sir." "Replaced the cribbage pegs, gave Carter back his soap carving." "He even gave us back our pet mouse." "Here." "It certainly is a happy day." "( telephone ringing )" "Colonel Klink speaking." "Oh, yes, General... a complete failure, yes." "You've canceled all further development?" "Mm-hmm." "Oh, yes, sir," "I have a copy of the damage list right here." "Mm-hmm." "Mm-hmm." "Mm-hmm." "I left out something?" "Your command car?" "General, that would take a long time on a colonel's pay." "Hello?" "Hello?" "!" "What did happen yesterday, sir?" "Was that an American bomber attack?" "I didn't know they came this far." "No, it wasn't an American attack, it was..." "No, it wasn't!" "Oh." "Thanks for keeping the watch." "Ticktock, ticktock, ticktock."