"It is not stalking." "It's totally stalking." "One of you has a stalker?" "Or one of us is a stalker." "I'm not a stalker!" "What's going on?" "There's this guy who lives in the neighborhood that Kat follows around and takes, like, a million pictures of." "I am an artist." "He is my subject." "Does he know he's your subject?" "No." "Do you hide when you do your "art"?" "Sometimes in bushes?" "Okay, fine." "I get it." "But I'm sorry." "If you're that hot and you leave your house, then you're asking to be stalked." "Well, clearly you know the law." "Here." "Check him out." "Tell me I'm wrong." "Wow." "These are all him?" "No." "This one's his car." "And this is his house." "And this one's his favorite restaurant." "Aww, you're gonna go to jail." " Hey, I know this guy." " No way." "His name's Benjamin Chow." "His kid is a patient." "Yeah, how could he have a kid when he's spent his entire life waiting to have sex with me?" "He's divorced, if that helps." "Oh, yeah, that explains why no ring." "Here, this one's a close-up of his gorgeous, tapered fingers." "Seriously, jail." "He's a pretty big deal violinist." "He plays with orchestras around the world." "Oh, yeah." "That explains..." "The violin case." "This is a picture of his ass." "Yeah, I don't have any of the case." "Oh, come on in!" "Hey there." "Hey." "Oh, your place is so cute." "Aw, thanks." "And the rent's really cheap because someone was murdered in it." "Lucky you!" "Aw, I'm" " I'm glad we're doing this." "Yeah, me too." "Yeah, we should have, like, a regular lunch thing." "That'd be nice." "You're--you're thinking, "Let's see how this one goes?"" "No." "But let's see." "Oh, oh." "Um, do you notice anything different?" "You got toes!" "I know!" "I just" " I love my new casts." "They're--they're lighter and more bendy." "Look, I'm almost running." "Well, that's gotta make things easier." "Especially for you and Richie, huh?" "I could've just thought that." "No, it's okay." "I mean, I'm--I'm fine with the sex talk." "It's just, uh..." "Richie and I don't have much to talk about yet." "Oh--I just assumed that you two had already, but--it makes sense, with the casts and the chair, and" "Yeah, I don't think that's it." "No?" "Well, I don't want to pry-- I mean, I want to pry, but..." "No, no, it's-- it's okay." "Um...we're waiting." "Well, I'm waiting for him." "I-I don't know what the hell he's waiting for." " Yes, go, go, go!" " Come on, no, no, no!" "No, stop him!" "Who are you rooting for?" "Jersey." "Who are you rooting for?" "Miami." "Hey, how's the game?" "Unbelievable." "The Heat were down big at halftime, and then Shaq, like, took over and scored 20 points, and" "Okay, in the future, when I ask "How's the game," please don't mistake that for actual interest." "Well, I have something you might be interested in." "Guess who was in my office today?" "Benjamin Chow." "Seriously?" "Wait, the violinist?" " He was in your office?" " Yeah." "His kid had a fever, and this rash all over his body." "Benjamin Chow is so hot." "Totally." "Kid's gonna be fine, by the way." "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah." "More about the guy with the ass." "Well, it turns out he's not seeing anyone, so I told him about you and I gave him your number, and he's gonna call ya." "How much do you love me?" "Not at all!" "Huh, I saw that going the other way." "Why the hell did you do that?" "Um...because sometimes, when we humans like other humans, our friends will try to set us up." "How does it work on Planet Angry?" "Look, right now he and I have a great thing going." "If I meet him, it's just going to mess it all up." "How's that therapy coming?" "Hey." "New guy." "Little soon for the zingers." "So you really don't want to meet him?" "No!" "It's just gonna disappoint me." "You just know that the real guy's gonna be, like, a vegan, or a morning person, or, like, refer to his house as his "crib."" "I only said that once." "You said it twice today." "That's because we're hanging in my crib!" "Anyway, what if he's not any of those things?" "What if it turns out he eats meat and sleeps late and is just, like, an all-around perfect guy?" "Well, then he's too perfect, and that's just annoying." "I wasn't kidding about the therapy." "I said it's too soon!" " Morning." " Hey." "Is Richie here yet?" "Nah, he's running late." " Why, what's he doing?" " I don't know." "I know what he's not doing." "What's that mean?" "I can't say." "Ugh." "All right." "I had lunch with Lina yesterday and she told me something in confidence." "I really shouldn't share it." "Fine." "Make a little effort!" "Why--you know you're gonna tell me anyway." "Come on." "You gotta draw it out of me." "That's my process." "Fine." "Please, I'm begging you, what did Lina say?" "Okay, I can't believe I'm telling you this." "Richie and Lina haven't slept together yet." " Really." " I told you it was good." "And we don't know why." "Lina's waiting for Richie to make it happen, and it is not happening." "So..." "You gotta find out what's going on." "Me?" "No." "Oh, come on." "Maybe he just needs someone to talk to." "And you're probably his best friend." "Really?" "Huh." "Aww." "Good morning." "Hey, buddy." "Yeah, okay." "Hey, how's the game?" "It's great--the Sixers are being out-shot and out-rebounded, but they've managed" "I remember now." "Guess what I did last night." "What?" "So." "You're here a lot." "My boyfriend's from Chile, and there's this huge South American soccer thing on." "So if I want to watch basketball, I" "Kind of hurts." "You get used to it." "Anyway." "So." "Last night, I went out with one Benjamin Chow." " Oh, my God." " Yep." "He called me at the last minute to see if I was doing anything, and, you know, I didn't want to seem too available, so I made up some fake plans." "What'd you go with?" "Oh, just meeting up with some fake friends, going to see some really cool fake bands." "But you were able to get out of it?" "Yeah, but my fake friends are really pissed." "So how'd it go?" " Oh, it was awesome." " Really?" "Yeah." "First of all, up close, he's so hot, you want to punch him." "And he smells incredible, but, I mean, you already knew that part." "Believe it or not, I try to avoid sniffing the kids' parents." "Oh, he's so cool, and he travels, and he, like, knows stuff about stuff." "Wow." "Sounds like you owe a big "thank you" to somebody." "Dude." "Don't throw yourself a parade just yet." "I mean, it's one date, you know?" "We don't even know if he had a good time." "Well, why don't we call him and find out?" "Dial." "Chow." "Cell." "You." "Huge." "Dork." "Benjamin, hi." "Uh, it's Dr. Haas." "I was just checking on Jonah." " Come on..." " Great." "If the rash recurs, we can try a different medication." "Hey, did you ever call my friend?" "Oh, yeah?" "How'd it go?" "Yeah, she is terrific." "Anyway..." "Well, um..." "I've gotta go." "Someone else needs to use the phone." "Bye." "What?" "!" "Is he gonna call me again?" "How would I know that?" "I totally got it." "Your mom makes great tuna." "The best." "Oh, is that celery?" "Sure is." "So, you and Lina hitting' it?" "Excuse me?" "You know, you guys, like..." "Oh!" "O h." "Um..." "Uh, well, uh, there has been no hitting it." "Per se." " Um..." " Really." "Yeah, I would like to hit it." "I would like very, very much to hit it." "But, um..." "Everything else is going so well with Lina, I don't want the... hitting it to screw it up." "Well, why would it?" "Um..." "I have been told that I'm, uh, not very good at it." "That is a shrinker." "Look, you have to understand, Fern is the only woman I've ever been with." " And" " Whoa, hold on." "Back it up." "You've only been with one woman?" " Right." " Like, just one?" " Mm-hmm." " Not like one, and then another one" "No, just one." "So, like..." "You could chop off nine of your fingers, and you could still count how many women you've been with?" "Hopefully, I won't have to go to those lengths to help you understand this, but..." "So, um..." "Bedroom-wise, Fern was not a fan." "No, no." "We'd be in the middle of it, and..." "she'd start to read a magazine, or... make a list..." "You know, I'd--I'd be-- at some crucial moment, and she'd say," ""Are you gonna call the plumber or am I?"" "Sometimes she'd call the plumber..." "Look, I love Lina." "I mean, what's gonna happen when she finds out that going to bed with me is like..." "Well, Fern said it was like having an old, damp man die on top of her." "Wow." "All right, you know what?" "That's Fern talking." "I mean, it's Fern." "In the entire time you were married to her, did she ever tell you you did one thing well?" "No." "No, so how can you trust anything she says?" "I guess..." "Hey, dude, you gotta do this thing." "And listen to me." "You're gonna be awesome." "And I have never said that to another man who wasn't me in the mirror." "Well, thanks a lot." "Morning." "You said Benjamin liked me, and he still hasn't called." " Really?" " Uh-huh." "I've been staring at this stupid thing for the last 24 hours." "Did it ring?" "Did I miss it?" "Maybe it's a weak signal." "I actually slept on my couch because I get two more bars there." "I'm sorry." "I don't know what to tell you." "This is so messed up." "I've never been the girl waiting for the phone to ring." "I hate being this girl." "And it's all your fault." " My fault?" " Uh-huh." "I never asked to go out with this guy." "I was happy the way things were before." "At least when I was stalking him, it was on my terms." "Look, it's only been two days." "He could still call." " Oh, you think so?" " Uh-huh." "Well, then, you know what?" "Here." "Now you can be the one waiting for it to ring." " Wait, it's your phone." " I don't care!" "You started it." "I don't even want to know if he calls." "You tell me the minute he calls." "If my mother calls, you tell her she knows why I'm not talking to her." "And if Blockbuster calls, you tell them I returned that stupid penguin movie two months ago!" "Can I come in yet?" "Almost." "Is everything okay?" "Everything's fine." "Okay, come out." "Look at this." "It's beautiful." "And warm." "What's all this for?" "Well, I was thinking... tonight... you know." "I do know." "That's nice." "Yeah?" "First base, check." "Staring at that phone won't make it ring." "I'm not staring." "I'm sorry, how do you say you like someone and then not call?" "I've done it." "Yeah, me too." "How many does Iverson have?" "28." "Same amount of hours I've been waiting for the phone to ring!" " Oh, dear lord." " You know what?" "Screw it." "I'm calling him." "Dial." "Chow." "Cell." "Your phone must hate you." "It's ringing." "What are you gonna say?" "I don't know." "What am I gonna say?" "Oh, God, what am I gonna say?" " Did he answer?" " Mm-hmm." " And you just hung up?" " Mm-hmm." "Atta girl." "Hey." "Hi, it's me." "So did you talk to Richie?" " Yeah, we talked." " And?" "And, uh, I really don't feel comfortable betraying his confidence." "What the crap?" "Come on, I betrayed Lina's." "Sorry." "I can't believe you're not gonna" "Are you messing with me?" "That's my process." "All right, look." "Here's the deal." "He wants to do it, but he's scared because his ex-wife used to tell him he was terrible at it." "Oh, poor Richie." "What'd you say?" "I told him she doesn't know what she's talking about." "He should just go for it." "That's what you said?" "Yeah, why?" "Well, what if he's really not good at it?" "I mean, what if he really is terrible?" "That could really mess them up." "How bad could he be?" "Well, before I married your father" "Ma!" "How long you been on?" "Excuse me, I'm telling a story." "Before I married your father, I was in love with a guy from South Philly named Andy Giamatto." "You are not a part of this conversation." "I swear, I would've married that man." "And then I slept with him." "Hang up." "Hang up the phone right now." "You wanna talk about bad in bed" "No!" "I don't!" "Listen, Nicole's right." "If Richie's as awful as he says he is, then that's it for the two of them." "It's over." "Good-bye, Ma." "Good-bye, Nicole." "Bye." "Oh, wait a minute." "It was Tony Giamatto." "Andy was great in bed." "Get off!" "So did Richie say when this was gonna happen?" "I think tonight." "Tonight?" "You have to stop him." " Me again?" " You're his best friend." "Yeah, that is true." "Just tell him to wait a little more." "Why?" "He's not gonna get any better at it." "But maybe with a little more time, she'll be so in love that it won't matter." "Oh, God." "All right, I'll call him." "Okay, and then call me back the second you hang up." "You know, you might want to think about getting a hobby." "This is my hobby." "* You're my sweet baby *" "* I love you *" "I'm sor" " I'll get rid of it." "Um...one of these buttons sends it to voicemail." "Rich?" "Not that one." "Hello?" "Hey, man, uh..." "Listen, you know that stuff that we were talking about yesterday?" "Yes." "Okay, well, I was thinking, what if Fern was right?" "What?" "Look, I mean, what if you're really not so great in the bed department?" "Why are you doing this to me?" "Nicole thinks that" "You told Nicole?" "It's cool." "She's great with secrets." "But we just think that, you know, you might want to hold off a bit." " You and Nicole." " Also me." "Ma!" "I-I gotta go." "Everything okay?" "Oh, yeah." "Just Duncan." "About work." "We've been having a big debate over wrenches." "The guy will not let it go." "U m..." "So, uh..." " Where were we?" " Um..." "How would you feel... about renting a movie?" "Like a--like a dirty movie?" "Or..." "Click." "Adam Sandler controls time with a magic remote, huh?" "What's going on?" " Nothing." " Richie..." " Nothing." " Richie." "Something." "What?" "Do you not want to do this?" "Oh, God, I-I want to." "You have no idea how much I want to." "So?" "Okay, um..." "All right, b-before we do anything, um, here's-- here's the deal." "You're gonna need to lower your expectations." " Okay." " No" "I'm serious." "Prepare to be wildly underwhelmed." "It's gonna be fine." "If you think it's gonna be fine, then you're not listening to me." "I am going to dazzle you with my ineptness." "I have heard the words "clumsy," uh, "inaccurate,"" "um, and more than once, "Stop that."" "You're about to make love to a man who has literally been booed." "I don't care." "Whatever happens, I love you." "And I love you, but..." "Oh, this could be awful." "You don't scare me with your bad sex." "Oh, yeah?" "Oh yeah, well, you better bring a magazine, missy, 'cause this could get pretty dull." "Hey, I got a stack right there that I'm dying to flip through." "Good." "'Cause I'm gonna make you want to read like you've never read before." "Whoa." "Bring it on." "I can't wait for you to disappoint me all night long." "Then let's get this train wreck started." "Okay, first of all, Blockbuster insists that you have the penguin movie." " I don't have the" " I don't wanna hear about it!" "More importantly, I don't know why he's not calling you." "Maybe he's just a big liar." "Maybe the date didn't go as amazing as we thought it did." "All I know is, I cannot spend another day staring at this phone." "It is turning me into a girl." "And I don't want to be the girl." "Well, I don't want to be the girl." "Oh, don't make me answer it." "I don't want to seem too eager!" "Answer it!" "Hello?" "Oh, nothing much." "Just hanging out." "How are you?" "Yeah." "Yeah, I did too." "Dial." "Kyle." "Cell." "He called!" "Morning." "How was last night?" "Oh, let's just say..." "I was not booed." "Oh, my God." "Look what he did." "Why are you surprised?" "He can stop time with that remote control." "So, uh..." "What do you say we use our remote and, uh, pause this?" "Are you gonna underwhelm me again?" "Baby, I'm gonna nudge your world."