"Okay, weirdos..." "Who's next?" "Time to empty your mind..." "This is MY day!" "And let this wave of stupidity wash over you like your weekly bath." "Ah ha ha!" "We got a mail thief who stole the wrong package..." "A terminal insomniac..." "A drunk who got hit in the bull's-eye..." "Oh!" "A bride who made everyone else blush..." "Whoo!" "The world's WORST songwriter... dI wanna be your dogd dtake me for a walkd" "And a very unhappy camper." "I can't see at all!" "Just another bloodbath on the next episode of... 1000 Ways To Die." "Death is everywhere." "Most of us try to avoid it, others can't get out of its way." "Every day we fight a new war against germs, toxins, injury, illness, and catastrophe." "There's a lot of ways to wind up dead." "The fact that we survive at all is a miracle." "Because every day we live, we face 1000 Ways To Die." "The Gift That Lasts Forever" "Ah, the great outdoors, the perfect place for a married guy like Peter to hook up with Julie, his new, hot mistress." "I just don't understand why we couldn't have gone to a motel." "We can't be in town." "She just needs a little convincing." "My wife's co-workers are everywhere." "Oh, baby." "He admires his lover's grand tetons and then makes it to the top of mount joy." "Oh, wow!" "Yeah!" "Oh." "But just as Peter is about to reach his "peak"..." "Uhh!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "Oh, god." "W-wait." "What?" " This..." "Everything's fuzzy." "He starts to lose focus." "I don't know what's going on!" "Then he loses his sight... completely!" "I can't see at all!" "Guys!" "Remember how your mother always warned you that too much sex would make you go blind?" "I can't see!" "I can't see!" "I don't know what to do!" "Well, in Peter's case, it was true." "Go get my mobile and get help!" "All right!" " Oh, my god!" "He was suffering from a rare condition called vasoconstriction." "Vasoconstriction is a contracture of the muscular wall around the artery." "As if, for example, you had a hose, and the plastic lining was actually a muscle and it clamped down, it would cut off the circulation, and the flow of blood to the tissue, and in this case, around the optic nerve, causing blindness," "Either temporary, if it's short-term, or permanent, if it's several minutes of constriction." "Oh, god." "Panicking, Peter runs blindly right into a 600-pound, very hungry brown bear." "Aah!" "Aah!" "It had been raiding the campsite's cooler, but found Peter's fresh meat much more to its liking." "What can happen a lot of times, like in your campsite, you can come up upon a bear that's eating your food." "The bear doesn't care it's your food." "It's in his possession, it's his food, and you're the intruder." "Now, you surprise a hungry bear, there's gonna be blood and snot flying." "A large North American brown bear the length of the claw's almost four inches long, force of 1,600 pounds hitting you across the chops, your face is leaving your head." "They say love is blind..." "Oh, baby." "And that may be true." "I can't see!" " I don't know what to do!" "But sex between a cheating husband and his buxom mistress..." "That's un-BEAR-able." "Aah!" "By 1995, only 38% of all families in the United States owned a personal computer." "And after spending months' worth of social security checks, so did Bernie." "Come on, Bernie!" "You said we're going to the movies." "I'm surfing the worldwide interweb." "It's the wave of the future." "He was blowing off the missus because he had discovered an adult chat room." ""I'm only 18."" "Heh heh heh heh." "Little old for me, but ho ho ho." "Bernie was a dirty old man who thought he was chatting with a dirty young girl." "But he was really just chatting with another guy." "People in chat rooms, they discovered," ""Hey, I don't have to be who I really am."" "Some people, eventually, it does take over their lives." "It does sort of change who they are when they're online." "You can be Bill the accountant by day," "But at night, you can be Natasha, you know, the 18-year-old Croatian gymnast." "I just turned 24." "Can you send me some pictures?" "Heh heh heh heh heh." "His dial-up modem was making his download take forever." "Come on." "Oh, boy." "But then..." "Aaaah!" "Aah!" "His chair exploded." "Bernie?" "If a chair was repeatedly cycled up and down, up and down, up and down, first of all, you have friction of the cylinder parts themselves, which get hot." "And secondly, the gas, when it's compressed, it increases in temperature." "The gas explodes." "It's like a bullet coming out of the cylinder of a -- a barrel of a gun." "The cylinder of the chair exploded like a mortar through the seat, and deep into Bernie's rectal canal." "The old pervert went into shock and died of massive internal bleeding." "Bernie couldn't wait for his porn to download... 1hotstud, where'd you go?" "And then he got the shaft... from a fatal upload." "Coming up..." "Whoo!" "Here comes the bride..." "Whoo!" "And..." "A hit-and-run haunts an insomniac." "I think put on your feet in the internet have served a cimbiaticle relationship." "Ones are nuts and the others are long." "When people could discover that they could just stay at home to see the great, awesome stuff instead of having to pick out viatures in a rental store, you know, push aside a bit , it coint on." "Yes." "Yes, marriage!" "Good!" "Yes!" "Does this look like a blushing bride about to stroll down the aisle?" "I do." "Hardly." "I do love you." "I do..." "love this..." "Aaghhaah!" "Yes, yes, yes!" "Yes!" "Katy hasn't slept for four days." "Yes!" "She's been on the mother of all benders." "Aah!" "Yes." "Ye-e-e-e-s..." "Her drug of choice?" "Bath salts." "Red dove, Magic, Super-coke, it's got a lot of nicknames." "What it really is is a chemical that's called methylenedioxypyrovalerone." "It's limiting the reuptake of certain neurotransmitters in the brain." "It's 20 to 30 times more powerful than cocaine in its effects, and people take this by smoking it, by snorting it, by swallowing it, and even by inserting it rectally." "Katy had a history of drug abuse and was recently out of rehab." "But she got a gift basket of bath salts at her bridal shower and it was downhill from there." "Oh, yeah!" "Yeah!" "She busts up her dressing room... and puts the screws to the best man." "Travis Schmavis, baby." " Okay." "Whoo!" "Her bridesmaids try and calm her down..." "You need to put your dress on." "That's for the honeymoon, sweetheart." "But not even Frankenstein would be able to handle this bridezilla." "This is MY day!" " Your day." "Yeah!" "Getting married!" "Hey!" "What's up, everybody?" "Finally, the time comes for Katy to make like a bride." "Whee!" "Take me now!" "Her fiance knew of Katy's bad girl history," "But he had never seen anything like this..." "Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today in the sight of God." "As the preacher drones on," "Katy's pulse is redlining, and her body temperature is climbing." "He does." "Finally, right when it was time to do the "I do"..." "Do you take, uh, Travis to be your husband?" "Her bath-salted heart said, "I don't"..." "And Katy said..." ""I'm done."" "When this woman ingested these bath salts, she developed hyperthermia." "It's basically when the regulatory mechanism for the body's temperature is out of control." "And when the body reaches temperatures of 104 or 105, it can be extremely dangerous." "And that was the case with this woman, causing her to collapse and die within minutes." "Yeah!" "Katy was the bride from hell." "She snorted like Scarface..." "Aaghhaah!" "She screwed like Linda Lovelace..." "And then she died like any other out of control substance abuser." "I now pronounce you...dead." "Getting old can be tough." "Larry used to have a job, but he was forced into early retirement." "Now, he follows delivery trucks around town and steals the packages." "Great." "He gets some kicks and some extra income." "Oh, yeah." "Larry's fate took a bad turn after he swiped a box from the doorstep of a prominent judge." "When he popped the top..." "Uhh!" "He got a face full of one of the most toxic bacteria known to medical science " "Anthrax." "There are 89 different strains of anthrax." "most are lethal without treatment." "An unknown terrorist was attempting to assassinate the judge for his views on immigration." "He had rigged a jack-in-the-thrax contraption that dispersed the anthrax spores for maximum exposure." "Larry didn't know it, but he was already dying." "Within four days, he was running a high fever and his lungs were filling with fluid." "After six days, acute respiratory distress." "Seven days after breathing in the anthrax spores," "Larry was dead." "When Larry inhaled the anthrax, the spores germinated into active bacilli, which replicated and ultimately led to the release of toxic proteins." "This resulted in tissue destruction, bleeding, and ultimately death three days later." "Larry thought his larceny was harmless." "But then he stole the wrong box..." "Uhh!" "And wound up... returned to sender." "Like 60 million other Americans," "James had a bad case of insomnia." "He thought a nighttime drive might clear his head." "But after not sleeping well for months, he was in no shape to drive." "And then, it happened..." "He never stopped until he was back in his own garage, where he washed away all traces of his crime." "His guilty conscience made his insomnia worse." "But instead of turning himself in to the police, he checked into a sleep clinic." "We're gonna go ahead and monitor your heart rate, all right?" "Even the strongest sedatives had no effect, because James was suffering from a rare disease called fatal familial insomnia." "Fatal familial insomnia is one of the first of the diseases that we call prion diseases." "These prion diseases attack the thalamus of the brain." "The disease was destroying his thalamus, an area of the brain that controls sleep." "Night after night, he lay awake in his bed, hallucinating, the stranger he killed in every face he saw." "There is no treatment for fatal familial insomnia, and so far, we haven't found anybody that's been able to recover from it." "So it is impending death." "We don't know whether the death is due to the fact that they can't sleep or the fact that they can't sleep is just one of the things that occurs." "After two months of no sleep, after being haunted day and night, a massive stroke put an end to his living nightmare" "and sent him to the hell he deserved." "James..." "James, can you hear me?" "Up next..." "I can fix this." "Another casualty in the whisker wars..." "Aah!" "And..." "A friendly game of darts blows up." "Interestingly enough, most insomniacs still complain of actually being sleepy during the daytime." "The way you and I would, but they just feel very tired and weary, and not being able to sort of act as well as they could." "dI...don't...want to...rape youd di just want to love youd" "Meet Angus." "He's the lead singer of the heavy metal band " "Whisker Wars." "dI...just...wantd..." "Angus." "His live-in girlfriend Suzy was getting tired of his act." "Angus!" " #love you#..." "Angus!" "The kitchen sink is completely clogged." "I'll be there in a minute." "To Angus, life was just one... dPancakesd... really... dso hot and wetd... bad song." "dI just wanna taste your pan...d" "Angus!" "What is going on?" "!" "Are you gonna do..." " Oh." "Okay." "All right, all right." "Meet the clogged kitchen sink." "I can fix this." "Some guys -- husbands, spouses, boyfriends -- they get henpecked by their wife to where they're browbeaten into fixing it, and that's -- that's their kiss of death, really." "If I get 20 calls in a week, which is about average, about five of those are something that someone has tried to repair themselves." "Angus was a handyman's wet dream." "Damn it!" "Thinking his bumbling had actually fixed the clogged sink, he turned on the garbage disposal, and watched the water go from one side to the other." "What?" "He fumbled around a little big more, until..." "Aah!" "Aah!" "Oh!" "Aah!" "Something caught his attention." "The garbage disposal had Angus by the long hairs." "The spinning blades caught his beard and pulled him down into the murky dishwater." "The jammed disposal unit's safety switch turned it off, and Angus was left singing a whole new song called, dI'm so stupid, I'm drowning in my own sinkd" "The world record for holding your breath is 8 minutes, 58 seconds." "Angus panicked, and within 36 seconds, was sucking water directly into his lungs." "A minute later, he was dead." "Angus!" "Angus was a perfect storm of stupidity." "I'll be there in a minute." " Thank you." "He had no idea how bad his music was... dPancakes, pancakes, yourd..." "Didn't realize his girlfriend was ready to dump him..." "And he had no clue how to fix a clogged sink." "Damn it!" "The only thing he did know... was how to die." "Angus?" "Angus!" "Why would anyone allow himself to become a human dartboard?" "Aah!" "Because big, fat Ned is a big, fat drunk." "And he's out of money." "Come on!" "Step up!" "So he came up with a different way to get wasted." "Yeah!" "One dart, one drink." "Come on, Chucky!" "Last one!" "After 15 shots and...15 shots," "Ned was still asking for more." "Who's next?" "Come on!" "Come on, little guy." "Come on." "But then, without warning..." "Ned split." "What the hell happened?" "If you can believe it," "Ned actually had a job." "He worked on a demolition crew, blowing up old buildings." "And if you can still believe it," "Ned was in charge of the explosives." "His job was to drill a hole and fill it with a quarter stick of dynamite attached to a blasting cap for detonation." "At the end of the day," "Ned took off for the bar and forgot about the dynamite in his pocket." "How much?" " Nine bucks, please." "I'm out of cash." "No money, no shots." "And that's what brought the broke and thirsty Ned to trade being punctured..." "Agh!" "For getting plastered." "Who's next?" "Ned wound up getting splattered." "Ugh!" "Dynamite is designed to be pretty stable." "The blasting cap has to initiate the first explosion." "So when he fell back with the blasting cap and dynamite in his back pocket, the concussion of it hitting the floor would have ignited the blasting cap, that set off the dynamite being contained between him and the floor," "shaped the charge, and contained it." "So it didn't destroy the bar and the people in there, but it would have blown him in half." "Ned was a stupid drunk..." "Nine bucks, please." "He ran out of cash..." "No money, no shots." "And he used his fat gut as collateral." "In the end, he wound up paying for those drinks..." "Who's next?" "out his ass." "Listening translation"