"World-wide famous poet professor in his autumnal years looks for companion, partner, protector and friend young lover, delicate soul, exuberant, frank and beautiful spirit for sharing bed, meditation, apartment, help to beat the fury and the guilt of the world," "innocent as slave or master... deadly tender to the fast pace of time find me if you can, I'm here" "I'm here alone with the alone" "A YEAR WITHOUT LOVE" "April 26th, 1986" "April 26th" "I've spent all afternoon trying to write two ads for a magazine." "I didn't waste time just writing one." "I offered french classes, translations and PC work." "Good body" "It was the other one that really took me all afternoon." "What am I?" "What am I looking for?" "I wanted to seem like a masculine guy without actually saying it." "I wanted my personality reflected in my speech, without really saying how I am." "But at the end, I don't know if it's clear." "But it's done, I submitted it, and it's going to appear just like that." "30, 1,73, 70, skin head, good body." "I look for a manly, active, protective, well endowed friend or lover, for stable relation and safe sex." "Let's see how its going..." "Lean over." "Take a deep breath." "Again." "You're a bit better." "Anyway, we should consider the possibility of a hospital stay." "But not here." "If you wait a minute, I'll be right back with an application." "What a mess, Pablito!" "I was just getting things in order but I got low blood pressure." "It must be the dye, no?" "Maybe if you inhale some acetone remover..." "Uh, It's so late!" "I've got to wash the dye away and I don't know what to wear." "It's OK, when I finish the dishes, I'll put everyting away." "I don't know." "She slept on the couch with the telephone." "Does she have any friend?" "Is she going out with anyone?" "I don't know." "I wish, that we are not getting along at all lately." "Well, you have to move out." "Ok, as soon as I get a husband that will support me I will." "If you continue looking where you do!" "What are you doing with a book from Neruda?" "I don't know." "Maybe someone gave it to me." "The first poet I read was Neruda." "I read it with my aunt, I was 13 o r14." "Sounds like fun!" "Let me see..." ""Joy" "I was a taciturn young man" "I found out your hair was scandalous" "What's wrong with it?" "I like it!" "You like such things?" "At that time we used to play the game of the glass with my aunt." "Really?" "Well, I moved the glass!" "I wrote poems, I said I was Pablo Neruda from the further away." "Did she believe you?" "Yes!" "A couple times I told her it was me, but she refused to believe me." "Anyway, you could tell it wasn't Nerudas's poems." "Yeah, I can imagine." "What where they like?" "I don't remember, about stupid things." "But that was the way I started writing." "Thanks to my aunt." "Thanks to Neruda!" "Let's go dancing, be my guest!" "I thought of going to the movies." "The movies, the movies?" "Not, to the other one." "No, I'll pass, I'm inviting you to go dancing." "Come on!" "Lets go!" "June 15th" "I continue with this damn sickness, terrible porn." "I have a fungal infection in my crotch in the shape of a heart, that I've tried to heal with propoleo, aloe vera, and a green bolivian cream that got me erect." "I believe it helped a bit." "My current concern is Luis." "I met him the day I went to the disco with Nicolás." "He took me to his house, and even insisted that I stay the night." "But I didn't want to." "What if I started coughing and woke him up?" "No, I don't like that movie!" "No, not that movie, has bad energy." "But we agreed to call." "We were supposed to meet this afternoon." "I left him two messages but he didn't answer." "Yeah?" "No?" "Ah!" "They said it was a bad one." "What do you think?" "I'm waiting for a call." "If I got him sick?" "Yeah." "I must have given him the fungal infection, and that's why he's not calling me." "OK dear, as you say, it's OK." "It's OK, it's OK." "Maybe it's better he doesn't call." "No, look, you have to clean it." "No, don't wash it." "You have to heal it." "Yes, you have to put it in a container with water and salt, and leave it outside on the terrace for 3 days." "Yes, a container, a casserole, a deep plate." "No, not a tapper because it is plastic and very dirty." "Yes." "No, I can't go today." "On Tuesday, we'll go to the movies on Tuesday." "OK, I'll continue with the explanation." "Put it away from everybody." "Nobody should touch it, OK?" "Otherwise the energy will get contaminated." "It will be a talisman that will be useless." "For instance, I have it hanging." "But you can use it on the bro, I don't know, you figure it out." "Hang up, Hang up!" "Wait a second." "Aren't you listening to me?" "Hang up the phone!" "I'm waiting for a call." "Hang up the phone!" "I pay for the phone." "My dad pays for it." "My dad!" "Ungrateful." "With all the things I do for you!" "Faggot!" "90% off all the scandals on the streets where we stay are made by the sons of the well off families of Palermo that come here to molest us, to throw stones to us and shout us all sorts of things." "Why don't they complaint about it!" "It's our only way of living." "What do they want?" "That we go out and steal?" "To kill people..." "Pablo Perez" "Cough." "Very well." "Again." "You have to get your CD4 up." "You will start taking AZT." "Eh, no I'm eating well." "I'm taking vitamines, drinking healthy tea's." "It doesn't soley depend on diet." "You know that 300 is a borderline value." "I won't take AZT." "Lets repeat the tests in a while." "Your defenses are very low and your lungs are not well." "You cannot wait." "You have to start treatment as soon as posible." "Look, not all the doctors think as you do." "More that one was killed by giving him AZT." "What?" "I won't be your laboratory rat to see if you get the dosis right." "Take AZT to hang on." "Until when?" "Till a new drug appears that really cures?" "Take a pill to stay alive." "I prescribed myself Amoxidal, and increased the dosis of Bach flowers." "When the magazine was published I received several calls answering the ad." "Let me explain it to you." "I'm a very, very pasionate guy." "Finally, I made a date." "I swear to you, if there is something I really hate:" "it's to wake up in a stranger's house." "I love sex, but in my house, and in my bed." "He wasn't handsome, but wasn't ugly either," "Do you agree?" "He looked like an alien." "Let's go?" "Answer from submissive man to my ad 84087" " Let's go." " I'm short." "What?" "I'm short." "So?" "Lets go?" "Until we got up he could have taken me anywhere" "I would have obeyed." "Hi, Pablito." "Hi, aunt." "Pablo, this is your father." "How is this possible?" "!" "What a way of communicating with you!" "If the line isn't busy, this machine answers." "There are some spots in the x-rays." "You'll need to do some tests." "What kind of tests?" "A test to discard tuberculosis, a Computer Assisted Tomography." "And also a bronchial fibroscopy with a biopsy." "I'd like to solve the cough problem because..." "Don't worry about that." "This hospital is specialized in respiratory diseases" "You'll have to stay at the hospital for a couple of days" "But, is there a way to make it "out-patient"?" "Maybe in another hospital?" "Yes, but it's not convenient for you." "We'd lose alot of time coming and going." "Do you have a partner?" "No, I did when I lived abroad." "He was also infected." "He died a few months ago." "OK." "Shall we program it for next week?" "July 12th" "When Hervé died we were no longer together." "Today I remembered him dying." "Even though I hadn't witnessed his agony." "Did I let him die?" "Was he affected by me leaving?" "What did he do with my things?" "Did he throw them away?" "Did he forgive me?" "Did he hate me?" "Did he ever love me?" "I opened his notebooks." "I needed to know." "I only found my name next to a strange address." "I didn't see him suffering." "But now I can't stop thinking about it." "I'll finish a few things, then we'll have some drinks." "If you had told me this earlier, I wouldn't have come." "Why?" "I wanted to see you." "I'll be done in just a moment." "Have a seat" "Are you leaving tomorrow?" "Yes, but instead of Rio they're sending me to Neuquen." "Anyway, it's only a week." "Are you coming back on Sunday?" "Yes, no." "Monday, Monday evening." "How are you doing?" "Everithing OK?" "What have you brought me?" "Poems?" "No, some pages from the diary." "I'll leave them for you." "OK, coll, I'll read them later." "Something wrong?" "No, no, no." "Are you OK?" "Yes, yes Just that some tests went wrong." "Have a seat." "Hadn't you find a doctor that you liked?" "Yes, the one form the Ferrer hospital." "He want's me to stay in the hospital to do some tests." "What tests?" "I don't know." "A biopsy, a tomography and something else." "When are you going?" "I don't know if I'll go." "I don't really feel like it." "You have to do it Pablo." "I'll go with you." "It's on Monday." "So?" "Nothing." "You are out, and I don't want you to change your plans." "What's the problem?" "I'll just come back earlier." "It's just some tests." "Nothing to worry about." "OK, lets do it like that." ""TICKETS"" "Stick your tongue out." "Say "Aaahhh"." "Lie down." "How do you do?" "No." "Stay put." "I brought you something to keep you busy." "Ad 33036." "Open, frank spirit." "Idealist looking for sharing pleasures sex, friendship, with masculine man up to 40." "Me, 30, 1.73 mts, 64kgs." "skinhead" "(HIV+)" "I placed another ad." "I wanted to explain that "sexo seguro" means "safe sex" not "for sure we'll fuck"" "It wasn't as successful as the first one." "Ah, look." "I imagine because I wrote HIV+." "Don't know, 1 cm." "Only one person answered, a hairdresser." "No, with a machine." "When I was a child, I loved to braid my little sister's hair." "To gain some time, I started to answer other people's ads." "Who is this?" "Pablo" "I'm coming down" "OK" "I just rang." "I think he's coming down." "Pablo" "Yes" "I'm Juan." "How do you do?" "Here comes the sheriff." "We call Baez the sheriff." "Ah." "Hi, how are you doing?" "Hi, How do you do?" "You came together?" "Yes, we've already introduced ourselves." "OK, let's go upstairs." "Yes, let's go." "How lucky that we found each other Don't you think, Pablo?" "Do you want something to drink?" "Yes, whisky or vodka if you please." "You know, Juan, Pablo has experience." "He frequented the leather bars in Paris." "Yes, some friends took me to a couple of them." "I lived there for some time." "Did you live a long time in Paris?" "I lived ther... for 3 years." "And why did you come back?" "Family matters." "There are very good leather bars in Paris." "The Chax, the Keller..." "Where did you go?" "The Chax..., the Keller..." "No, I went to the Mec." "The Mecson, yes It was near where I lived." "Some bars are even better than the ones in San Franciso." "Really?" "I lived in San Francisco for a few years." "And why did you come back?" "If I only knew!" "I like to come and go." "He bring us toys..." "OK, Pablito, would you like to tell us what sort of things you like?" "What your limits are?" " Yes" " Yes, what?" "Yes, what?" "He doesn't know." "Yes, he does." "No, he doesn't know." "Yes, he does." "Yes Sir." "Come on, tell us." "OK, Pablito, if it gets too much for you, shout: "RED"" "Is that clear?" "I think that my passion for leather started in my childhood." "I always liked the super heroes." "Their muscular bodies, the tight suits, their masked faces." "They formed my ideal of a strong and protective man." "Are you still giving classes at the gas company?" "At the water company." "This month I'm only getting 220 pesos." "Though we had agreed on 700." "The company pays three months, and the French institute does not take responsibility." "On top of that I have to register for taxes, pay the social security..." "Did you go to the doctor?" "I'm having some tests done." "Do you need any money?" "If you can spare some..." "This month, with the aunt, we still didn't finish paying the taxes." "I've being paying everything for three months now." "With the money you give me, of course." "I've been thinking.." "about the apartment, that maybe we could, given the location and the size of it maybe we could get an appraisal." "I believe that with the money we could get, we could then buy two one room apartments." "Not for the aunt, I do not have any problem with her." "Can we talk about this another time?" "Yes, sure." "You have to go?" "I have to go back to the office." "Let's go." "No, stay, stay." "I'll take care of the bill." "No, stay, stay." "I'll send you the money this afternoon." "OK?" "Do you have a dog?" "What?" "Do you have a dog?" "No, he's from a friend that brought and left him here." "From this month on, I'll charge 30 pesos per class." "OK, I owe you 10 for the next one." "August 31." "I have decided to start a new chapter because a value changed and it disturbs me." "CD4... 100" "That means that my defenses are so low that even an angina could kill me." "This month Saturn is over my house of health." "Perhaps my feelings are wrong." "How are you?" "OK." "I have the results from the tests, Do you have a minute to look at them?" "Yes, ok, I'll get your clinical history, then I'll be right with you." " Have a seat, wait for me" " Thanks" "Well, Pablo, when will we start with the medication?" "Eh, look, Oscar." "I'm not taking AZT." "It's a pity, because the three drug cocktail is working." "Let's do this." "I'll prepare the prescriptions for the medications as it's going to take awhile." "And in the meantime, you think about it." "Reasons?" "For what?" "Why do you live with your aunt?" "My mother lives in a rented apartment, it's very small." "She lives with my brother." "Actually, my aunt's apartment is also mine." "You are the owner?" "No, no, not me." "My dad owns it." "Half and half, but my dad supports it financially." "My aunt has psychological problems." "She doesn't work." "How many brothers and sisters?" "Two." "My sister is dead." "Cause?" "Suicide." "Actually, my brother is a half brother." "Salary?" "Eh, 100, 120..." "Total salary!" "That would be 320." "How you doing?" "Good afternoon." "How you doing?" "Good afternoon" "I'm sorry I'm a bit late." "No problem." "Your name was...?" "Pablo, Pablo Pérez." "I'm Nicolás friend." "A while ago I brought you some texts..." "Poems" "Let me see..." "Here they are." "Yes, I've read these." "Interesting." "Very interesting." "But in this country poems do not sell, see?" "It's so difficult for an argentine writer to publish poems." "I write poems myself." "Perhaps you could be part of an anthology with other writers?" "But certainly not this year." "But we'll include you." "Eh..." "I'm writing a novel too." "Really?" "It's a diary, actually." "About?" "About the life of a writer who has AIDS and..." "when he feels he's going to die he starts writing this diary." "The life of a gay with AIDS..." "That could generate some interest." "From 300 to 500." "Juan..." "Sheriff." "Pablito what a surprise!" "How are you?" "José Luis, Ricardo" "José Luis is the one that organized this." "Ah, How much is the ticket?" "Nah, it's all right, it's on me today." "Pablo is a writer and some day he will write the story of my life." "Won't you, Pablo?" "Do you want to go to change?" "OK." "Go with him." "Hello." "Everyting OK?" "Can I?" "Yes." "What, you won't share?" "Really?" "You, Juan." "Sheriff." "And that guy?" "Martín?" "He is one of Báez lovers." "He's looks good." "Sort of..." "I've been with him once." "But he's not your type." "Why?" "Maybe in a couple more years he'll turn into someone a little more interesting." "Maybe you want to keep him for yourself?" "Don't you know the sheriff at all?" "I'm gonna go round to take a look." "In this plane we found three negative states." "This is crazy." "Take, open it." "Do you have Martín's number?" "No, I don't have it." "But if you want I can give you his email address." "The glasses?" "Down there." "Pablo, you do know that the sheriff won't like this, don't you?" "It's ok sharing lovers, as long as he is present, but, he doesn't want to know." "What will you tell me?" "That he was in jail, and that he beat his wife?" "That whole story?" "That's what they say." "How did you know?" "Anyway, he doen't need to know." "As far as I know, Martín is interested in guys around 50 or older." "It's OK, if you really don't want to, just don't give it to me, and that's it." "Oh, OK, Pablito, OK Pablito." "I'll look for my notebook and I'll give you his email address." "But, do you have a way to send it?" "Yes, yes, I'll manage." "OK, write it down before I change my mind." "I'm already regreting giving it to you." " Come on" " Do you have...?" "Yes." "masterinboots boots from the english word boots, double oo, t, s" "Where do I plug in the cable?" "Anywhere." "It doesn't connect." "I'm coming." "That smells good." "What?" "A great smell is coming from the kitchen." "Try it, tell me if it's OK." "It's spicy, isn't it?" "I used too much pepper." "No, it's OK, it's hot, but tasty." "Needs more salt...there it's connected." "It only obeys your commands." "It's slow, you have to wait." "Whom are you writing to?" "To Martín." "Who?" "Martín." "A guy I met at the leather club party." "You didn't tell me anything!" "Didn't I tell you?" "No." "No, because nothing happened yet." "OK, hurry up!" "because dinner will be ready in 10 minutes." ""Master, please allow me to write to you to inform you that I need discipline..."" ""Slave "Your deductive login works pretty well." "I love having my boots real shiny." "When you call me (798 0106), you will introduce yourself and say: "I'm your slave, sir"" "Hello" "I'm your slave, sir." "Who?" "I'm your slave, sir." "Hi, how are you doing?" "Longing to be at your feet." "OK, OK, but first a few questions." "Who gave you my address?" "A friend." "A friend?" "Which friend?" "Juan." "Juan?" "Juan the hyena?" "Yes" "Yes what?" "Yes sir!" "Yes sir." "Are you alone?" "Yes." "And where are you?" "Lying down in bed?" "Where are you?" "I'm standing." "Standing?" "Very good." "Now get down on your knees." "Ok" "I told you on your knees!" "Are you?" "Yes, yes, yes sir!" "Yes sir, very good." "Now take care of my boots." "I'm not listening to you!" "I'm not listening!" "OK, stop it." "We'll meet next Thursday in a bar near Retiro." "How will I recognize you?" "Actually, we've already met." "You're Pablo, from the leather club, aren't you?" "Yes." "How'd you do the other day?" "Fine, but I would have loved getting whipped." "Ah!" "You like to spy on people!" "A little." "I'd like to have you here right now, tied up to a tree." "How I wish I were there!" "Where are you?" "I'm in the backyard, enjoying the warm weather." "I don't care how far you are." "I can come to you." "No, no, dont." "I live with my parents." "Ahh!" "Well, but I'm going downtown on Thursday anyway." "I'll be free at about 10." "We can meet if you want to." "Yes, yes, yes, whatever you like." "OK, hold on a minute, so I can find something to write on." "OK" "AZT, three in the morning, two at night." "five each twelve, eight and eight" "nine and nine eight and eight" "Do they call it cocktail to make it sound attractive?" "So one imagines a delicious drink in a crystal glass with two cherries?" "Just looking at the DDI tablet makes me nauseous." "Yesterday I waited 15 minutes for it to disolve." "I tried to drink it with different sodas and juices to make it more pleasant." "But I think it dissolves quicker in water." "It's funny, but I love the AZT tablets." "They are just like a 90's masterpiece." "A riding unicorn welcomes me." "October 9th" "The day of the appointment finally arrived." "Today, I woke up early, ready to start a new life." "I'm tired of suffering because of my weak health." "I decided to start with a macrobiotic breakfast." "That I read about in a naturist magazine." "I want to keep a healthy diet, feel strong." "I went to a nutrition store and bought drinks in the supermarket." "I straightened things up, cleaned, and polished." "And I even got my aunt out of the apartment!" "Then I prepared a Valeriana and Quirquincho tale tea." "A mixture that worked well in the past." "It calms you down and relieves anxiety, while at the same time stimulating sexual arousement." "Good." "Do you live alone?" "Yes, sort of." "Have a seat." "Would you like something to drink?" "Coke, or vodka or..." "Or what?" "Or whisky." "No." "Vodka, Vodka." "Great." "OK, I will turn on..." "It's hot, isn't it?" "What's up?" "What shall we do?" "Eh?" "Bring something." " Where do I change?" " Over there" "When I come back I want tho find you there in the corner." "Yes, sir." "If he were thinking about me as much as I think of him, he would have called me several times." "I'd like to go out to get something to eat." "But what if he calls me while I'm out?" "Is this love?" "I was even scared of this diary." "At least it's a relief that I can go on, as long as Martín doesn't call me." "And I'm hurrying, because I suspect that if I fall in love" "I won't be able to go on writing this, as it tries to be, on top of everyting else, a diary about the seach for love." "About lost love, aout desire and fear of death." "What am I writing?" "Pure bullshit!" "I don't know what else to write about in order to distract myself." "Hi, Pablo, this is the sheriff I have something for..." "Hi." "Hi, Pablito." "How are you?" "Wanting to see you." "Yes, I have a lot of work these days." "And what were you doing right now?" "I just told you." "Working." "You could say a little more, no?" "Is there something wrong with me?" "No, No." "No, sorry." "I'm translating an article for a french magazine." "Yeah?" "What is it about?" "Just something stupid." "Instructions for finding a boyfriend." "A women's magzine, for me, for you..." "No, not for me, Pablito, but it sounds interesting." "And?" "Did you meet anyone lately?" "No, I told you, I have a lot of work." "On top of that, I'm feeling a bit sick." "I think I'm going to bed now." "If you want I can give you a treatment..." "Would you like one?" "You could take a little rest from work." "No, really, I've got to finish this for Friday." "Really." "It's a pity, because I wanted to show you some stuff I brought back from the trip." "And I bought you a present." "Really?" "Look, I'm not feeling well, really." "Don't be upset, but today, I'm not very good company for anyone." "You know very well that it's not like that." "I like very much being with you." "Besides, I have a real surprise." "And you are going to like it." "What surprise?" "You'll know if you come." "OK, I'll take a shower then, I'll be on my way." "I'll be waiting." "So good you came, Pablito!" "You know Martín, don't you?" "Yes." "Well, wait for me while I change." "Did you tell him?" "I wanted to find you like this!" "Martín!" "Still!" "The right or the left one?" "The left one!" "Very good, little slave Very good." "Very good!" "Now you will have your reward." "Or do you already want to leave?" "Everything OK?" "You'll stay?" "Won't you?" "Hey!" "What?" "Bye." "Bye." "The values remain stable." "We'll continue the treatment." "Come and see me in three months." "Do the tests, then, bring me the results." "OK?" "OK." "Thanks." "December 31st" "This morning Martín called while I was at work." "I thought everything had faded away with him." "And I still think so." "And that he only called me to fuck with the excuse of the happy new year." "A year without love?" "Come on, hurry up." "My old man is waiting for us!" "Hurry up!" "Take this!" "What are you doing with that!" "Take it out!" "What?" "Take it out!" "You filthy..." "How can you p..." "But that is for twelve o'clock!" "How can you put a panty together with the food!" "It's for good luck!" "Leave it there!" "Take it out or I'll throw it away!" " Ah!" "Ok!" " Take it out!" " You want to fuck up my year!" " Yes, I want to fuck up your year!" " Come on, it's late, late, very late!" " OK, Don't you see that it's a new pan...?" "Everything stays the same." "None of my predictions came true this year." "Nothing special happened." "Unless of course, besides the fact that I have to continue living like something exotic." "A YEAR WITHOUT LOVE An AIDS diary" "Pablo Pérez" "HIV Positive" "Leave it, leave it!" "Stop, pablo." "They do it to sell more." "It's always like that, it's in the contract." "It's only the outside cover." "It's your novel inside." "I know why you are like that because they draw you an ugly lady" "I look like a woman!" "Ah, see, I knew it!" "Come on, I'll take you to dinner to celebrate." "Pablo, this is Juan." "I saw your novel in the library." "Very nice the drawing in the cover!" "Congratulations!" "Call me." ""... my aunt Nefertiti, that I dare call her Nefritis in the intimacy of my writing..."" "Yes, Maceio." "Hold on a moment." "Take a seat if you want." "Dad, what are you doing here?" "Did something happen?" "Did something happen to aunt?" "No, I came to talk to you." "Your aunt is in my house." "She is very upset." "And I am very disapointed." "Why?" "You know!" "I am surprised that you could do something like that." "Why do you have to talk about family matters?" "What family matters?" "It's my story!" "It's my life, no one appears by name." "Except you..." "Look, we..." "We helped you as much as we could." "Pablo..." "And with all that happened to us!" "He's looking for you." "I'm leaving." "Yes, yes, sorry." "When I come back tonight, I don't want you to see you here." "This is Nicolás house, please..." "Hi, Hi!" "Hi, I'd like to talk to Juan." "Pablo." "Ah, Ok, no, nothing important." "No, no I'll call him later." "Thanks." "Julia, this is Pablo." "OK, I phoned you to cancel tomorrow's class." "I'm moving and..." "No, I still don't know." "I'll call you as soon as I know." "No, no, I'll call you." "Bye." "TICKETS" "Good evening." "One ticket for the show, and one for the coat check, please." "Thanks."