"Do you think there's something disgraceful about a man backing down when he doesn't have a chance?" "Stay and watch a man die, Nora, and learn something." "18.6 grains." "Mr. Paladin?" "Uh, you won't reconsider changing the ratio of carbon to nitrocellulose by just a pinch?" "No." "It took me eight months to work out that formula." "Your usual amount, Mr. Paladin?" "That's right." "That will be $4 a dozen." "The usual guarantee?" "Underwritten by Lloyd's of London." "If this powder explodes in your hands," "$10,000 for the loss of each limb, and $15,000 for loss of your eyesight." "Of course, you don't stand a chance of, uh, cashing in." "As long as you don't overload the cartridges, this powder is as stable as the Rock of Gibraltar." "Come in, Hey Boy." "Mr. Paladin." "I always feel that when matters have deteriorated to a point where a man reaches for his gun, only the finest quality smokeless powder is good enough." "Uh, don't you agree?" "Absolutely." "Of course, there's always those bargain hunters." "You know, men who'll continue to put black powder into their cartridges and bad whiskey in their stomach, and by these false economy measures, make doubly certain that their lives will be nasty, brutish, and short." "Now, about bullets..." "Now, here is an absolutely top-quality 225-grain bullet made especially for me by a little man in Yonkers." "Just the right weight for maximum range without loss of accuracy." "Now, you know I always use a burden primer." "That, Mr. Paladin, is an unnecessary luxury." "Well, shooting a man creates a rather intimate relationship, and I hate to be thrifty at another man's expense." "It's your money." "Hey Boy, pack the bags." "Yes, sir." "Have this ready in an hour?" "lmpossible." "There are some things in this world, Mr. Paladin, that cannot be hurried." "Well, how long?" "Three hours, perhaps five." "What's your hurry?" "Well, I have to leave for Santa Fe now." "Oh, not bad news, I hope." "No." "I have a chance to pick up one of the last authentic pieces of early Santa Clara pottery." "The man who has it will only hold it until Friday noon." "Well, travel without a gun, like other people." "You know, I've thought of trying that sometimes." "But, for now, I guess I'll just have to pick up some ready-mades down the street." "It's your life." "Tell me where I find some good water around here." "Water." "Please, water." "What's the matter with you?" "Can't you read?" " Huh?" " Look at that." "Oh!" "I'm a dead man for sure now." "Why didn't you warn..." "Why didn't you warn me?" "Is there a doctor in this town?" "Doctor!" " Doctor?" " Yeah?" "A man out there has had some poisoned water." "Will you help me get him in here?" "Who?" "Would you look at your face?" "You sure fell for that!" "Huh." "You're about the third one this month that's tumbled for that poison water joke." "Well, I'm very happy to have furnished you with some amusement." "I'm not amused that easily." "I'm just glad that he has some other victims." "Maybe he'll leave me alone." "He used to send me out on so many sleepless errands." "One night, I..." "I refused to go." "The patient died." ""A jest that gives no pain is no jest."" "Cervantes." "That and five cents will buy you a glass of beer." "You look like you could use one." "He seen me drink all that poison water," "I tell you, he like to die!" "He was a good one, huh?" "No hard feelings, neighbor?" "Oh, don't be sorehead, mister." "I'll make it up to you." "Man's got no sense of humor whatsoever." "Come on." "Thank you." "Well, I'd better get back to my horse before something happens to that urn of mine." "Are you carrying someone's ashes?" "Well, I'll have a clean bed ready for you when you come back." "Thank you." "Here's your jug, mister." "I just thought I'd bring it over now..." "Oh!" "I'll buy you a beer." "You like a little green around the gills." "Two beers." "Aw, takes less muscle to smile than to frown, I always say." "Oh, you do, do you?" "I don't like to brag, mister, but if it wasn't for me to put a little ginger into things, this town would shrivel up and die of tedium." "Well, I trust your fellow citizens appreciate what you're doing for them." "You look for appreciation in this world, mister, you're bound to die a disappointed man." "No, sir." "I get my satisfactions out of a job well done." "Such as?" "Man's a poor sport... ain't but two things you can do with him." "Keep playing them cute little tricks on him until he learns to laugh along with us." "And if that doesn't take?" "Make things so hairy for him he'll be glad to leave town." "Don't you find that a little risky?" "Man's a sorehead..." "he's bound to make trouble sooner or later." "Anyway, you gonna stay here for dinner with us?" "Don't you have a home?" "A wife?" "Wife?" "Sure, I got a wife." "What's she got to do with it?" "Well, doesn't she cook dinner for you?" "Why, sure." "Sure she does." "But you just wait until you taste Mrs. Kafka's stuffed cabbage." "Oh, you'll see why a man doesn't exactly break his neck to get home." "I'll have a small whiskey." "Caleb?" "Nora, what do you want?" "How long you gonna be?" "I'm waiting dinner for you." "Well, uh..." "Nora, now," "I don't need nobody to tell me when to come home to eat." "Well, drink up, boy." "Well, I feel right privileged sitting next to Abner Blessington." "I guess that's a name that we all heard." "What's your line, Mr. Blessington?" "I'm a gambler." "Is that so?" "Is that a fact?" "Yes, that is a fact." "Well, hearing it from you, Mr. Blessington, I believe you." "Indeed, I'm relieved." "Because I had heard from others that, uh, you had other occupations." "Mrs. Kafka, I'd feel right insulted if I was you." "Seems like Mr. Blessington ain't taking a liking to your cooking." "Not at all, Mrs. Kafka." "It's just that, in my sedentary occupation, a man tends to put on weight much too quickly." "Um, have some beer, Mr. Blessington." "Ice cold." "Oh!" "Oh!" "If you ever again play me any sort of a trick, prank, humbug, or jest..." "Nora, did you see what I pulled on that greenhorn?" "He like to die from shock!" "I waited dinner for you until now." "Well, now, honey, you didn't expect me to seriously pass up a capital opportunity like this, did you?" "Why..." "Why, I'd never forgive myself." "Well..." "Well..." "Well, ask them." "That..." "That..." "That flame shot up just like a volcano." "We all like to died laughing." "Caleb, he didn't laugh." "Well, he's on his way to learning a lesson out of life... not to take himself so blame serious." "Nora, will you take him home and lock him up?" "Oh, now... now... now, wait a second." "I got to think me up a topper to this one." "Caleb, that man meant exactly what he said." "Well, uh, what do you think I am, chickenhearted?" "Why..." "Why, he... he... he dared me." "Now..." "Now, you seen that, didn't you?" "Mister, he... he offered a challenge to me in the presence of my wife." "Now, do you think I could ever hope again to hold her respect if I backed down on it?" "What kind of a man do you take me for?" "A man devoid of one of nature's most precious gifts... a sense of humor." "Come on, honey." "Come in." "Ahem." "Mrs. Kafka says this is yours." "Will you help me?" "Do what?" "Protect your husband?" "I don't expect you to endanger your own life." "I'm sure Mr. Blessington could kill you as easily as he could Caleb." "All I want you to do is find my husband and stop him before he does whatever he sets out to do." "And you have no idea what that might be?" "Well, some elaborate piece of foolishness, no doubt, with half the loafers in town staked out for his audience." "Mister, if you don't stop him somehow," "Blessington will kill him." "Which is Blessington's room?" "21." "If Caleb's going to do anything to him, he'll have to come up those stairs." "You sit here." "Oh, I knew you'd be a friend to him." "I am not a friend to your husband." "I don't like practical jokers." "The only thing worse I know is somebody whose lack of humor permits them to kill." "It's too late." "There's Caleb going back home." "Maybe there's still time." "What is it?" "It's a love letter to Blessington." "A love letter?" ""Dear Handsome Stranger," ""I've been much taken by your manly demeanor at the little altercation this evening," ""and since my husband will be away at the ranch overnight," ""I wonder if you will do me the honor of paying a visit to your admiring and anxiously awaiting."" "Well, who is it signed by?" "Nora Musgrove." "Let me see that." "It's his handwriting, sure enough." "Well, what would you do if Blessington came around in the middle of the night, panting with ardor?" "Why, I'd bend a poker over his head before he got his other foot in the door." "And Caleb and all his friends skulking around in the bushes, having a great laugh." "Surely, you're not going to deliver that thing." "Absolutely." "What are you doing here?" "Well, with your kind permission, I thought I'd come along and watch the fun." "Well, hunker down." "You can watch him get his." "Shh." "He's coming now." "Wait until she opens the door and he starts to get amorous." "She'll give him a taste of something he won't forget for the rest of his life." "Madam?" "I thought you'd never come." "What did you do, Cal, send her a letter too?" "Shut your mouth!" "Yes, sir, Cal." "You sure taught that fellow a lesson he'll never forget." "I'll teach him a lesson." "Give me your gun." "Cal, where's your sense of humor?" "Sense of humor!" "At a time like this?" "Give me your gun." "Blessington!" "Blessington, I know you're in there!" "I know you're in there!" "You set this up to trap me, didn't you?" "Okay, I'm in the trap now." "Let's see you spring it." "No, please, no!" "I ain't no gunfighter." "Never said I was." "But a man's got a right to act in defense of his own home, ain't he?" "Absolutely." "Well, let's see you do it now." "Let's see you act in defense of your own home." "Or isn't your wife's honor worth defending?" "Nora!" "Nora!" "Nora, you think there's something disgraceful about a man backing down in the face of certain death?" "Anyone's values can change under these circumstances." "Watch." "All right, Blessington." "I set this up." "You want a gunfight, you have it with me." "Come on, Blessington." "Or don't you think Mrs. Musgrove is worth fighting for?" "Blessington, you think a stupid practical joke is worth a man's life?" "Come on." "I'll be in Denver tomorrow." "Well, lucky people of Denver." "Get out of here, all of you!" "Can't a man come home to his wife without a lot of loafers sitting around, gawking and laughing?" "What's so funny?" ""Have Gun Will Travel"" "Reads the card of a man" "A knight without armor in a savage land" "His fast gun for hire" "Heeds the calling wind" "A soldier of fortune" "Is the man called Paladin" "Paladin, Paladin, where do you roam?" "Paladin, Paladin, far, far from home"