"PUDDLE:" "Appearances were very important to Steve." "A-ha!" "Fa'ad is here, sir." "Yes, I know." "For fencing." "Yes, but..." "I know." "I challenged him last time, and he humiliated me." "So he called me out for fencing, and yet this time, he's the one who shall look the fool." "En garde, and prepare to..." "I'm here to fix the fence." "Meet Mike Russo, owner of Mike Russo Fencing." "Fixing fences since 1997." "A working man, forced to watch you prance down the stairs, making a first impression like a second-rate" "John Barrymore in The Three Musketeers." "How that must humiliate you." "Thank you, Mike Russo, fine fencing since 1997." "No work for you today, but I will pay your paltry consultancy fee." "You guys are (BLEEP)." "Well, I suppose that's two fencing victories for me." "STEVE:" "Well, yes, I may have been caught with my codpiece down, but today I can't help but feel like a winner." "Migo, get the New York Style magazine with Emmy and me in it." "FA'AD:" "You're in the magazine together?" "That's right." "They wanted a picture because I'm taking her to a charity gala." "I made a significant donation in our names." "Since when has Emmy ever looked like this?" "Well, I didn't have any photos of Emmy and me actually together, so I admit I may have photoshopped us into that shot." "PUDDLE:" "Steve had enlisted Migo's nephew to do the work." "Good, good, good." "Let's have some fun with her hair." "But once he started having a little fun, he couldn't stop, and he went a little overboard." "STEVE:" "I think we could still go a little poutier with the lips." "You want to change her lips now?" "That is a great idea." "Yeah, let's do pouty on her, too." "This photo is as doctored as The Zapruder Film." "I suppose." "But look how beautiful Emmy looks on my arm." "That looks more like Mike Russo's arm." "So I suppose that means that she technically doesn't know about this." "Well, I technically haven't asked her because I was worried that she might say no." "She will." "She already thinks that you only care about her looks, that you're being superficial." "Well, I had to make it look like I was taking someone who would fit into this world." "This, I also think, is slightly superficial." "But it's all for charity." "If anything, it proves that I'm the opposite of superficial." "What's the charity?" "It's, um..." "Safe water in Africa." "Water safety in Africa." "Which is something I actually know a little bit about." "Come on, Africa, let's water ski safely." "Right?" "Oh, I think she'll go." "The challenge will be getting Emmy to look like this." "Well, I'm already one step ahead of you." "I had Migo do some shopping for me." "What woman can say no to a makeover?" "The woman who is already beautiful and lives in your tree." "PUDDLE:" "Meanwhile, my mom was reading about the very gala that Steve was secretly hoping to take her to." "Now, this is glamour." "The other side of charity." "Not exactly what we did, huh?" "Still, it would be fun to go to one of these just once." "You'd think she'd be happy?" "These are some pouty people." "Mom, that's you!" "And Steve." "What?" "How am I in that dress?" "And why is my hair so poofy?" "What is this?" "It's like a fairy tale." "It's nothing like a fairy tale." "STEVE:" "Come down, fair mistress, and let down your hair." "Those are the hair extensions, right?" "It's very wise you have that sword on you." "What the hell are you doing?" "I'm defending your honor from this legion of ghosts." "No!" "Wait!" "Steve!" "Take that, knaves!" "Stop!" "You're tearing up all my sheets." "Not exactly how I thought I'd be tearing up your sheets." "I come bearing an invitation." "To the Safe Water in Africa Gala?" "You saw the magazine." "Not only did I see the magazine," "I saw how you changed how I look!" "Oh, don't worry about that." "Migo, give her the present." "No." "Give her the present." "MIGO:" "You know, I..." "Give me the present!" "STEVE:" "Give it to her." "No!" "It's mine!" "Hair extensions and makeup." "All these people care about are appearances." "Steve, I would never go to a party where all anyone cares about are appearances." "Oh, it's not like that at all." "Where do you even come up with this stuff?" "Steve, you know, I actually thought that we were getting to this deeper place." "Yeah, me too." "But I guess you're just as superficial as I always thought you were." "Look, I just thought it would be good for you to get out and have some mindless fun." "And it seems like something you'd want to do." "What have I ever said that would make you think that?" "Well, you actually..." "Ah!" "Okay." "That's enough, Puddle." "We've all said enough." "Okay, I could not have foreseen that." "Yeah, that one really snuck by me." "PUDDLE:" "My mom had just refused to go to charity event she wanted to go to." "And I got a new makeup kit to dress up my thing with." "Okay, maybe I do want to go." "But the point is, Steve doesn't care about this charity." "He just wants to use this to have fun." "It's, like, he can't be honest about that." "It would be like me..." "Acting like you haven't been dropping hints that you wanted to go to this thing?" "But a hint for charity, right?" "You can do things for charity that you wouldn't do in your normal life because there's a greater good at play." "So, like, it would be okay to suggest to someone that they glam it up a little to fit in?" "He changed my hair!" "Not as much as he changed his own." "He did sort of look like a Jonas Brother in that picture." "Who?" "You know what, I'm glad you don't know who that is, and that you're not tainted by this superficial culture." "Of course, I'm not." "PUDDLE:" "It wasn't a good time to let her see that I was dressing up my thing to look like Justin Bieber." "Maybe you're right." "Maybe this isn't about how I look." "Maybe he does actually care about me." "Actually, at that moment, it was about how she looked, because he needed to find someone to take to the party who could pass for my mom." "Maybe this isn't about how I look." "Maybe this is because he actually cares about me." "I don't think we're gonna cast anyone closer to Emmy." "Yes, she's attractive on the surface, but she doesn't have any of Emmy's inner qualities, like her metabolism, or her teeth." "Excuse me." "Pardon me for interrupting." "Could I?" "So, let me get this straight." "You're still going to this event, but instead of taking someone else, you're going to make it look like..." "Like I'm going with Emmy, yeah." "What am I supposed to do?" "Our picture's out there." "Yeah, but doesn't that prove her point that you're being superficial and only care about her looks?" "You know me." "I'm not shallow." "Hey, Steve, I owe you an apology." "I don't know why I thought you were just focused on my looks." "Yeah, I like this one's mouth." "Throw her on the prettier pile." "Steve!" "Just kidding, real Emmy." "WOMAN:" "Can I try one more time, now that I've seen her walk?" "I'm sorry, you were apologizing?" "Well, I do think it's still a little creepy that you weren't honest with me." "But I wasn't exactly honest with you." "And I do think that this is the kind of party that it's important to go to, you know?" "It's for a great cause, and I would be proud to go with you and show my support." "Look, you've been here over a month." "There's no reason we can't have a little bit of fun together." "You're right." "I guess I was just a little upset about the fake photograph and the fake status and the fake relationship." "I think I was just a little paranoid that everything about this place was fake." "Listen, I can assure you, the only thing that's fake around here is the color of Lunt's hair." "(BOTH LAUGHING)" "Oh!" "Oh!" "And those apples." "Why are you eating the fake apples?" "Oh, God, I think I broke it." "Oh, don't worry about it." "Doesn't matter." "Migo gets me these things for, like, $500 a pop." "I'm not talking about the apple." "My tooth, how bad is it?" "Oh, it's broken in half." "Oh, God!" "Oh, don't worry." "We can get it fixed by Saturday." "I can chopper in this guy called Dr. Chopper." "It's what he does." "He choppers in and fixes teeth." "I flew him in last week for a brightening." "No, definitely not." "I'm not gonna waste money on this." "I'll go to a dental school." "Talk about wasting money!" "What is that, like, three years?" "No, they have students that do the work cheaply." "You know, it just needs to be fixed." "It doesn't have to look pretty." "It doesn't?" "Yeah, but you can see it." "Only when I smile." "Oh, God, we have got to stop you from smiling." "Plus, Robin Williams is sitting at our table, and that guy will not rest until everyone's pretending to laugh." "So you only care about the way it looks." "(WHISTLING)" "And sounds, Tugboat Willy." "Nope." "Are you really this superficial?" "You don't care at all about this cause." "You only care about the way I look at the party?" "PUDDLE:" "Steve knew that there was only one answer my mother was looking for." "You're right." "Then we'll just skip the party altogether." "PUDDLE:" "Yeah, that wasn't it." "My mom's tooth had been fixed, but her feelings were still bruised." "Why can't we just buy new sheets?" "Because, unlike some people, we don't just throw things out when they have a slight imperfection." "I can make these sheets look as good as new." "Look, I know he didn't express it, but he was concerned about your health." "And it's a good thing you went to the dentist." "You could have had some nerve damage or something." "EMMY:" "Okay, I don't think he was concerned about my health." "I think he's just as superficial as I was worried he was." "Rich guys like Steve just toss things aside as soon as the slightest imperfection appears." "Like the way he threw out that fancy Italian cappuccino maker just because that little rubber thing at the end of the milk steamer got loose." "Not true." "PUDDLE:" "It actually kind of was true." "But Migo had always benefited from it." "(ALL CHEERING)" "(NEIGHING)" "(ALL EXCLAIMING)" "Those are just things, except for Wee Biscuit and Carla." "I mean, how do I know he's not gonna toss me aside the second I get my first wrinkle?" "Well, it would be nice not to have to fight with Mr. Lunt about something." "But listen, I know Steve, and that's not who he is." "I just wish there was a way to prove that, you know?" "I should have left my tooth uncapped and seen if he canceled going to that event." "So what are you gonna do, make yourself hideous to see how he reacts?" "For a person like you, that would take a lot of makeup." "And thanks to you, that's exactly what we have." "No, Emmy." "Migo, I am swearing you to secrecy." "Fine." "But I'm telling you, the last thing he cares about are your looks." "He just failed a little oral test." "Well, then, he's lucky I'm willing to give him a makeup one." "How's that tooth look?" "You see it in the light?" "Come on." "So is it the right shape and everything?" "I mean, how good can these dental-school children be?" "You really don't have a handle on this dental school thing, do you?" "Do you really care this much how she looks at this event?" "Of course, I do." "All my friends are gonna be there." "I guess that does make me look pretty superficial, doesn't it?" "Yes." "It's kind of the definition of superficial." "Oh, so this is what you've been trying to tell me." "Your entire life, yes." "It's a horrible quality." "You know, I always thought you'd do the right thing, that you had this hidden depth you could access." "How do you access that?" "Well, you can start by saying to Emmy that you're going to take her to this event that she's been foolish enough to accept the invitation for." "I will." "Yes, but you say you're taking her no matter what, okay?" "I don't get it." "I just said I will." "I've already said too much." "You're a good man, Migo." "Hey, do you think you could give me a hand getting your desktop computer into my truck?" "It needs to be rebooted." "Well, then, let's get rid of it now before it gets worse." "Yeah." "PUDDLE:" "And so my mom set out to see how superficial Steve really was." "Oh, hey, Steve." "Let me just sink this." "Three ball, corner pocket." "Good shot." "How do you like this dress?" "It's not too revealing for this event, now that my tooth's all fixed up." "I figured you'd still want to go, right?" "Are you kidding?" "Of course, I do." "That was all just a big misunderstanding." "And you know what I am?" "I'm a big Mr. Understanding." "(BOTH CHUCKLE)" "Mmm." "Well, I'd really love to go if you'd have me." "Oh, I definitely want to have you." "Play your cards right, and you just might." "Seems like we're both on the verge of doing something..." "Rash!" "Oh, is it worse?" "Is what worse?" "Come on, I know you can see it." "The thing is, it's already above the waist, and there is a lot around my ankles." "I can't even reach it on my back, but the good thing is, the dress covers most of it, so you can just try to forget it's there." "How did this barely noticeable thing happen?" "Well, when that dental student pulled my tooth, he did warn me that there was a lot of jungle rot in my abscess." "Apparently, it's something I picked up in the Amazon." "God, that is so many awful things together." "They keep telling me not to scratch it, but it's so hard not to scratch something that's so scabby, you know?" "There was one other symptom, but I can't really remember." "Maybe I could just comb my hair forward, and that way no one could see it." "Yeah, well, you've got such beautiful hair, there's no reason you can't just pull it forward..." "Out of your head." "That was it." "That was the other symptom." "I knew it was something funny." "So what time are you gonna pick me up," "Mr. Understanding?" "I really think that we need to get you to a doctor." "I went." "They sent me to this infectious disease specialist." "He assured me, purely cosmetic." "Just a little virus trying to leave my body and take some hair and eyelashes, and maybe make my nose a little runny." "So I should be back to normal in six months." "Oh, unless you'd rather cancel the whole thing." "PUDDLE:" "But this time, Steve did remember Migo's warning, and he came up with the right thing to say." "I mean, not right away." "No, I want to go." "No matter what, I want to go with you." "Oh, really?" "PUDDLE:" "And at that moment my mom realized that Steve had more depth than she thought." "Why is it so dark in here?" "(GRUNTING) Lunt, turn off those lights!" "(LAUGHS)" "PUDDLE:" "Steve had finally done the right thing by agreeing to take my mother to the gala, despite how she looked." "That's fantastic." "I'm really proud of you." "I had a little feeling you'd do the right thing." "And now I can tell you what I couldn't tell you before." "Oh, no, don't worry about it." "I told her exactly like you told me to." "The only problem now is how am I gonna get out of taking her to this thing?" "But I thought you said you would take her." "No, I said I said I would take her, which I did." "No, but, Steve, we talked about how you don't want to be superficial." "No, I don't." "Look, there are a lot of things that I don't like about myself." "I drink too much." "I'm too easy on myself." "But it's not like any of those things are very bad." "No, they are." "And you can do something about it." "Well, I'm not gonna beat myself up because I don't beat myself up." "Look, I can't take her looking like that." "Even Lunt would agree because he got a good look at her." "So we already set up another casting session." "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!" "What is wrong with her?" "Well, it's a real rush job on the makeup." "And we can do more once she's cast." "Shave off some hair..." "Deformed Emmy has already agreed to go with me, you ginger-haired corpse." "You've totally missed the point!" "Or maybe you've totally missed the point." "That's very wise, Mr. Lunt." "Did that sound wise?" "I was just being bitchy." "Back to makeup, girls." "Well, I've got news for you." "You're looking for trouble." "Emmy thinks she's going to this event, and the doctor said she could." "Well, we'll just find another doctor who says otherwise." "I doubt you're going to find one who says, "I completely disagree."" "FA'AD:" "I completely concur." "I'd love to play your doctor." "Why do you want to help me, anyway?" "I thought you were hoping that things would fall apart between Emmy and me." "I have my reasons." "But I have your best interests at heart." "PUDDLE:" "His own reasons were that he actually just wanted to see things fall apart with my mom and Steve." "She already knows you." "She's not gonna believe that you're a doctor." "We already knew Marlon Brando, but we bought him as The Godfather or Colonel Klink in Apocalypse Now." "Trust me, you'll never know it's me." "Only 'cause you're not doing it." "Is that a challenge?" "No, it's..." "Challenge accepted!" "How does he get in here?" "But I must admit I do like this idea that you and he have come up with where we hire a professional actor to play the part of a doctor." "No, I'm not part of this." "Oh, you're in it, Migo." "And I am swearing you to secrecy." "Why does everybody always do this to me?" "Lunt, we're gonna need a new casting list." "You know what, Steve, you really are a broken man." "Maybe even too broken for my family to receive for free." "Thanks, buddy." "PUDDLE:" "The next few days were a dizzying waste of time." "Oh, well, I'm sorry." "All right, thank you." "Steve went after actors that were famous for playing doctors." "And when none of them were available, he went to non-doctor actors." "Matt Damon's office?" "Oh, I see, I see." "He's just too busy." "And Mr. Fox is with family." "Well, that's very sweet." "After more no's, Mr. Lunt finally booked the cousin of a friend who claims to be an actor on some TV show." "Dr. Maulik Pancholy is here." "Who is this?" "I don't know who this is." "He plays Jonathan on 30 Rock." "From the sun?" "No, that is 3rd Rock." "I'm on 30." "How many rocks are there?" "It's a different show." "It's very popular." "In fact..." "I'm a little worried she's gonna recognize me." "I'm not." "I play Alec Baldwin's assistant." "Sorry, man, nobody here is a fan." "But you know your lines, right?" "Yeah." "One problem." "How am I supposed to know she's too sick to go to your event?" "Just look at her." "What am I, a psychic doctor?" "I knew we should have gone with Kenneth." "PUDDLE:" "Meanwhile, Migo was taking us to the appointment." "This isn't a frozen yogurt run, is it?" "Maybe after we get back, but right now," "Steve wants me to take you to a doctor." "He's very worried about your health." "He is?" "Perhaps you didn't notice because I have my driving gloves on, but I put "worried" in quotes." "I get it." "He's really concerned about me." "And I'm the one who's so superficial that I'm playing games." "Not exactly what I meant, but I've said too much already." "Look, maybe you should just stay here and phone in the apology." "No, he deserves an apology face to face." "He's probably lined up some famous doctor already." "Yeah." "Hopefully not too famous." "Oh, good." "There you are." "PUDDLE:" "Migo was relieved when he saw" "Maulik Pancholy from 30 Rock." "But he shouldn't have been because it turns out the only show my mom watched is 30 Rock." "So I was telling the doctor about all your symptoms." "What was your diagnosis, Doctor?" "Well, based on nothing..." "Ah, she is too sick to go to any events." "Well, it's settled, then." "Could I at least give her some pills?" "Why, do you have some pills?" "Yes, I do." "I keep them in this little mint container." "Oh, yes, I'm horribly sick." "I might need some assistance." "Whoa, now, what you doin' in my office?" "You're not a doctor here." "No, this is Jonathan from 30 Rock." "From the sun?" "And they did all of this to convince me that I was sick and could not go to an event." "Oh, so you're not really sick." "No." "Well, that doesn't make you any better." "You've been lying, too." "And what happened to your little rash?" "It was makeup." "Yeah, sure is amazing how people can be fooled by a little makeup." "It is I, Fa'ad." "Yeah, we know." "FA'AD:" "You should have used me as the doctor instead of this day player." "She never would have known." "Hey, sorry, guys." "I know you're in the middle of your little skit here." "I just need to grab the culture that was here." "It was here." "Did someone drink this?" "Emmy!" "PUDDLE:" "My mom did." "But only to wash down her fake pills." "Hey, maybe one of you doctors could help her." "Oh, my God!" "He thought I was a doctor!" "PUDDLE:" "And that's how my mom really did get sick." "And in the days that followed," "Steve did everything he could to take care of my mom." "How you feeling?" "The shaking stopped." "Oh, absolutely." "But you know what," "I think it's 'cause I haven't been grossed out." "I meant me!" "I am feeling a little cold, though." "Do you want me to take your temperature?" "You know it's in the ear now, right?" "Since when?" "Lunt!" "(LAUGHING)" "PUDDLE:" "It turns out that after a lifetime of being taken care of, he was pretty good at taking care of someone else." "I gotta tell you, I was a nervous wreck." "That was stupid of me to bring you there." "I can't believe that you drank that water." "Ironically, I got sick from the exact kind of water damage this charity event is all about stopping." "Wow." "Important." "If those people in Africa could see you right now, they'd be hanging up their water skis and heading home to some weird jungle gala trying to raise money for you." "(GIGGLING)" "Hey." "You think you feel well enough to go to the gala tonight?" "Yeah, I think I do." "Migo!" "We're going to the gala tonight." "So glad to hear it." "Oh, God, look at me!" "No, no, no, my hair's a mess," "I have big circles under my eyes, my lips are chapped." "No, a chipped tooth is one thing, but I cannot go to a gala looking like this." "No, no, no, no, no, no." "I almost got stuck with bringing her looking like that." "Yeah, you really caught a break on that one." "So can I have your tickets?" "Oh, you bet." "Hey, feel free to take one of the Emmys." "Lunt!" "The casting list!"