"Guys?" "Guys?" "Josh is inviting a boy over for casual sex." "Really?" "Well, that is interesting." "But also, who wants to smash a piñata?" "You made a piñata?" "Yeah, I made a beautiful piñata." "Why'd you make a piñata?" "What?" "What do you mean "why"?" "I mean, why did you make a piñata?" "Would you ask a bird why it sings?" "Would you ask a divorced man why he joined a pottery class?" "Some things don't need to be questioned." "Okay, what's in it?" "It doesn't matter!" "Free your mind of all that nonsense" "And just focus on what's real," "Which is that we have a piñata." "All right, all right." "Okay, no." "Actually, no." "I thought you'd be excited." "You're not excited." "I don't want to smash it with people who aren't excited." "No, I think I'm excited." "You're not excited!" "I just need a moment" "To get my head around it, okay?" "It's a bit of a shock." "Okay." "Okay!" "Yeah, I'm excited!" "Claire, are you excited about the piñata?" "Sure." "Yeah?" "Ole!" "Arriba!" "It is full of secrets." "You and claire have been keeping secrets," "And I don't like it." "I think we shouldn't keep secrets." "So, I've taken all of our secrets," "Mine, josh's, claire's, and john's." "What secrets does john have?" "john hates foreigners." "john!" "That does not suit you!" "I hope that by airing all" "Honest member of the group, and therefore, a better person" "Than both of you." "All right." "Fine." "Stand back." "Go, go." "Arnie?" "We're trying to smash tom's piñata, but it won't break." "He finished the piñata?" "Oh, thank goodness." "I've been the only one he can talk to about the piñata." "Do you know what that's been like?" "Bad!" "That's what it's been like." "It's not shit." "You guys are hitting it weak on purpose" "I just cannot talk to you at the moment." "Okay." "I love you." "Have fun." "Okay." "Love you." "Have fun at maths camp." "Fun..." "Fun at maths camp!" "Tom, claire, laugh at arnold with me." "Maths camp!" "Ha ha!" "Bye." "Ooh!" "I got one." "One of mine." "That's annoying." "Annoying that it's one of mine, but that's okay because" "I'm open with my friends." "Trusting." "Just read it!" ""I knew josh was gay when he was 18" ""because I found gay porn on his laptop," ""but I did not say anything because I didn't have" ""the courage to bring it up."" "No!" "Josh, you stole my youth." "I thought it was a phase, okay?" "Like gangnam style." "Can you not be texting sex friends" "When my feelings are being crushed, please?" "I've invited him over, and I instantly regret it." "I don't know." "Yeah, what's in a name?" "It's..." "Not..." "Fair." "Gay..." "Guys..." "Get..." "Everything!" "Oh, you get plenty!" "Ooh!" "What's this?" "Oh, yes." "So, um, josh, you remember when you lost your passport in thailand?" "yes!" "And, uh, we looked all through your room" "And you asked me if I had it," "And I said I definitely did not have your passport?" "Yes?" "And then you had to go to an embassy in bangkok" "And wait for three hours-- -yes, I remember!" "Let me finish." "Let me finish." "While you also had diarrhea." "Yeah." "Yeah, I found it." "It was in my pa" "In my passport wallet." "Fine!" "Give me one." "Claire." ""claire once told tom that no one in the world" ""makes her laugh as much as josh." oh, that's nice." "He was never supposed to fucking hear that!" "I mean, what a fun game!" "It's a nice time we're having." "Hey." "Okay." "All right, josh..." ""josh thinks claire's mum is a bad cook."" ""claire thinks she is good, but she is not."" "Oh, yeah." "I hate you." "He said yes." "I did" " I did not think he was gonna say" "I need you guys to come and tell me if my room smells weird." "Hm..." "The air smells fine!" "Fine?" "Yeah, it just smells like you." "Like me?" "I have a smell?" "Not a bad smell." "Maybe I should light a scented candle." "No?" "No." "Too creepy." "Too romantic." "What does he look like?" "Nice enough." "Show us." "Show." "Show us." "Come on!" "Oh." "Oh." "Aww." "Oh, yeah." "Yeah, he looks like a serial killer." "What if he's dangerous?" "If he's dangerous, I'll scream." "Well, how will we know" "If it's a good scream or a bad scream?" "I don't make any noises during sex, okay?" "If you hear any noise, any at all that isn't" "Muttering apologies, then you should interject." "You don't dirty talk?" "No." "You can't dirty talk with a voice like that." "Yes, I can." "I could." "Yes." "Yeah." "Uh..." "Suck it!" "Yeah, suck it!" "suck it." "Suck it." "Oh..." "No." "Suck it." "No, it's really weird." "Suck it." "Suck it, fag." "Suck it, fag boy." "You suck it, fag boy-- boy." "Will he be okay with you calling him that?" "I'm appropriating." "I'm mi" " I'm misapprop" "What am I doing?" "Reappropriating." "I'm reappropriating." ""suck it, fag boy" is empowering?" "No, thomas!" "You're not allowed to say it." "Gah!" "I don't get to say anything." "Next..." "This is stupid, yeah?" "No, I think it's brilliant." "I just wish we could stay on this couch," "I could wear a big jumper, and we could make fun of people." "I just don't understand what your problem is." "You're very frustrated today." "Well, you're not communicating." "He's nervous." "About what?" "Well, I just sort of wish he was a glazed ham" "And instead of hooking up, I could just eat glazed ham." "Should we guess why you're being weird?" "Mm..." "Do you feel weird" "Kissing someone when you have a boyfriend?" "Yes." "But..." "You are allowed." "He wants you to." "It's brilliant." "Are you worried that the stranger will be ugly" "And/or a creep and/or a catfish?" "The stranger will think that you are ugly and/or a creep?" "Yes." "Are you nervous about having bad breath?" "Well, you don't." "Not yet." "What?" "Gross." "If he, like, maybe eats cured meats or... go." "Get." "Hi." "Hello." "Hello." "Um..." "So I realize that I, um..." "Yeah, I don't know your name." "It's ben." "Let me guess." "You're a..." "Quentin or a sebastian?" "No, I'm josh." "Yeah." "Um, this is john." "Hello, dog." "Yeah I have a..." "Do you want a drink?" "I have wine." "Just spare." "Just spare in the cupboard" "Because I am an adult." "No, I don't drink." "There was a plane crash." "270 dead." "That's irresponsible." "Yeah." "Could we turn off the news?" "Yeah." "Shit, sorry." "Yeah, right, yeah." "It is, um..." "It is not hot." "No." "Okay." "Um..." "Shit." "Fuck." "Tom, where's the remote?" "Terrorism is a factor..." "1,000 apologies." "Who's that?" "That's tom, my housemate." "Is he hiding from me?" "Yeah." "Yeah, I made him hide." "Um, you said you had pizza." "How was..." "How was your pizza?" "Mm, I never ordered it." "Well, what did you eat?" "You need to eat." "I didn't eat dinner." "Okay, well, I can make you a snack." "That's a thing." "That's a thing I can do." "Okay." "Wonderful." "Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry." "Sorry." "It's okay." "Mm..." "I-- oh, I have puff pastry." "I can make a puff pastry pizza." "I don't think I've had anyone offer to cook for me before a hook-up." "Uh, yeah, okay, so what it is is it's, um, puff pastry," "But I'm going to turn it into a pizza." "It's, um..." "It's a child's afternoon tea." "It's not, like, a grand romantic gesture." "I mean, maybe light a candle, but an oven?" "You know, I feel like ted hughes." "Yeah, no one knows who that is." "ted hughes." "He was married to sylvia plath." "No." "She wrote "daddy."" "She gassed herself in the family oven." "It was a joke." "That is a horrible joke, isn't it?" "Oh." "Oh." "Where's your bedroom?" "Uh-- oh-- um..." "Yeah." "Hmm, hey, what's this?" "Ants kept coming in." "Are you gonna fix it?" "I did." "Oh, tom, why is everything in your room so sticky?" "So many questions." "how long do I have to be in here?" "Okay, so if you're going to be in here the whole night," "You need to respect that this is my space" "And that you chose to enter it." "What are we gonna do all night?" "I'm not going out." "I know, tom." "Relax." "We could..." "Make out." "No!" "Kidding, obviously." "No!" "Jesus, tom." "You're just the worst person!" "You have a girlfriend!" "This didn't happen, okay?" "Here." "What the hell is wrong with me?" "Yep, you are really off the rails." "Um..." "I'm gonna need some help." "Yeah." "I just " " I need you to un-- undo do my little cuff buttons." "Thank you." "So, uh, what-- what do you do?" "Really?" "You want to know what I do?" "I mean, I thought it might just be better than silence" "Whilst you undo my little cuff buttons." "I'm a journalist." "God, I..." "I thought we stopped doing that, no?" "I mostly write for people who can take off their shirts all on their own." "Oh, yeah?" "Yeah." "Do you know what I love?" "Buzzfeed." "fuck you." "Where do you live?" "Northside." "Not far from here." "Ah, do you have any siblings?" "I have two siblings-- a brother and a sister." "My sister just had a baby." "We don't know who the father is." "She's forgetful." "I'm an only child." "Do you have any pets?" "All the questions you're asking sound like" "We're in english language classes." "Yeah, yeah." "I just don't know you well enough to know" "What questions lead somewhere interesting." "I have a cat." "Ah, that's a shame." "So, I invented this game called penis or not penis." "No thank you." "That sounds like a stupid game." "Okay, one of us thinks about a penis" "Or something other than a penis," "And then the other person has to guess" "Whether they're thinking about a penis or not penis." "Oh, my god." "How long does gay sex take?" "I heard the shower, which from what I understand," "Means they've had full intercourse at least once." "Tom, what are we even doing?" "I just don't know." "I don't know." "Hanging out." "Being awesome." "I feel like I just spent a month locked in a room" "To come back here to get locked in another room." "Ugh, you're being boring." "What?" "I'm being boring?" "You don't even want to leave the house." "Whinge, whinge, whinge." "Oh, whatever." "Whinge, whinge, whinge." "Fuck off!" "Josh is having fun." "Josh is having sex." "Yeah, well, you are very easily entertained." "You're like a puppy." "You could be more easily entertained." "You could create entertainment." "You could very easily find sex on the internet" "If you really wanted, but you just keep" "Waiting for more, and I just don't think" "First you're like, "oh, my life's in germany,"" "Then once you're in germany, you're like, "oh, I'm so lonely."" "Meanwhile, I'm here..." "I'm trying to create a lovely game" "Of penis or not penis for us, and you're just sitting there," "Complaining again that you're not somewhere else." "Penis." "Yes." "Yes!" "Okay, fine." "If we're gonna this, I want stakes." "First one to ten wins," "And then the other person has to do a dare." "Great." "Penis." "Ugh!" "Penis!" "My housemates thought you looked like a serial killer." "It's a big leap, isn't it?" "To decide that I don't just look like a murderer," "But that I've murdered multiple times." "Yeah." "Uh, when you saw me, did you think that" "I looked, uh, cuter or less cute than in my pictures?" "I thought you were out of focus in your picture," "But that's just your face." "You've got an out-of-focus face." "Really?" "What did you think of me?" "Uh..." "Equi-cute." "I like your face though, to be clear." "I am enjoying it." "Yeah, I'd" " I'd just prefer not to bring it up," "If that's okay." "People often ask if I'm an only child," "But mostly what they're really asking is," ""do you realize you're being a jerk?"" "No, you know that's not an only-child thing, okay?" "I'm lovely." "They say, "josh is just lovely."" "When I was little, my parents had me tested for asperger's." "Oh yeah, I can see that." "Not penis." "Dammit!" "Yes!" "Okay." "Mm..." "Not penis?" "Penis." "Tom, you can lie!" "It's an honesty system." "I wanna write it down." "There's too much at stake for trust." "It doesn't make a difference." "I can just write down "penis"" "And then not think about penis to trick you." "Tom, there is no way you can tell" "If someone is thinking about penis or not." "You can't, I can." "That's why I'm winning." "Okay." "Not penis." "Boom!" "Penis." "shoot." "Y-- yeah?" "Hey." "Sorry to interrupt." "Can I please have permission to go to the toilet?" "Yes." "Thank you, kind sir." "Yeah, tom lost a dare." "Yeah, tom's a babe." "No." "Who's that?" "Boyfriend." "It's my boyfriend." "Okay." "Right." "We're open." "How long have you been together?" "Um, a few months." "How long do you think you'll be together?" "Um..." "I don't know." "Yeah, but he" " I think he wants to be together forever," "Which scares me a lot." "I don't, um..." "I don't want to be together with anyone forever." "Is he more in love with you than you are with him?" "No no, not at all." "Uh, I'm less capable of love, maybe," "But I am definitely very into him." "Do you-- do you have a boyfriend?" "No." "Have you ever been in love?" "In high school, I was actually in love with my best friend," "Eddie, even though I was convinced he was straight." "One day he kissed me and we started having sex." "I've always regretted not having gay sex when I was a teenager." "Eddie would always say that he wasn't gay." "That he just wanted to practice." "Mm." "He wouldn't touch me" "Outside of sex for the first few weeks." "I mean, that is the dream, isn't it?" "To have sex with eddie and then get all tortured" "That he doesn't love you back?" "Mm, kind of." "Gradually we got closer and closer," "And one night, at a party, I was sucking his dick in a bed," "Then this-- -whoo-whoo!" "Yeah." "Yeah, boy!" "This dickhead-- -whoo!" "This dickhead guy-- -yeah!" "Okay." "Walked in and started shouting" "And telling everyone to come and see." "Eddie told everyone..." "That he was passed out and that I raped him..." "Which was unhelpful." "We never spoke again." "He committed suicide when he was 19," "And I didn't find that out till three years later." "But since your question was "have you ever been in love?"" "And not "will you please tell me a deeply horrific story?"" "I'll just answer yes, I think so," "To a boy in high school." "I don't know what to say to that." "I've never told anyone that." "Why me?" "I assume I'll never see you again." "Tell me something you've never told anyone else." "In year 5, I stole my teacher's brooch." "Why?" "For the rush of the crime." "She told the whole class that it was her dead mother's," "And if the thief gave it back, she would not be angry." "Did you give it back?" "I buried it in the dirt." "You're a monster." "Yes." "Wow." "Now answer the question like an adult." "No, just run through some things in your mind" "And when you get to a bit that makes you go," ""oh, fuck," or makes you feel weird in your-- in your tummy," "Tell me that." "Okay." "I'm an only child, right?" "Only child issues." "Of course." "No, listen." "Thank you." "So my-- my dad-- -father issues?" "Is that it?" "Will you stop categorizing me, okay?" "I'm sorry, you're an untamed bouquet of emotion." "Well, so my dad is not very good at communicating with me," "So instead, he just talks about chores..." "No, that's not a thing." "No." "Well, is he a bad dad?" "He-- he's a good dad." "Did he ever hit you?" "I mean, he is actually just so lovely." "You are bad at this." "Yeah." "It's just it's complicated." "I mean, like, I..." "I don't know how to articulate it" "Because anything I would say about it," "I would then disagree with." "Okay, so..." "All right." "So my dad broke up with my mum." "Whatever." "Uh, and then she became bipolar." "Well, maybe she was always bipolar." "I don't really understand that bit." "And I definitely think he made the right decision," "But sometimes I accidentally think my mum's mental illness" "Is my dad's fault." "Ah, but I don't actually think that." "I have a cerebral aneurysm." "Oh, fuck off." "You really kept that in your back pocket." "But you should know that I don't know what that is." "Is it a bad thing?" "Yeah." "I'm guessing here." "It's-- it's bad, yeah?" "It's basically a weak spot in an artery in my brain" "And I don't know, it's not..." "Precise science," "But perhaps one day I could be doing something" "And the aneurysm will rupture and I'll die." "Yeah, that is a bad thing." "Mm-hmm." "That is the worst thing." "Yes." "Oh my god, claire,." "You have to leave." "um, actually I can't, for 15, 14, 13, 12, 11..." "Claire, get out!" "Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four" "Three, two, one!" "Two, one." "Fare thee well." "Fare thee well." "Feel free to serial kill them, by the way," "No, I wouldn't want to take an only child's friend so close to christmas, would I?" "Okay, so..." "I" " I just really need you to explain to me" "What you mean by a weak spot in your artery." "I think "weak spot" is quite clear." "Are you just so terrified?" "When I turned up here and saw you, I thought," ""what if I die in his bed?" "He'd have to meet my mum,"" "And I wondered if my mum would approve of you." "Yeah, I don't think she would, to be honest." "One time I put peanut butter on my face and let john lick it off, yeah." "Not as a sex thing, thank you." "It just made me giggle." "Man, I would not have been able to do that if I had a "cerebal" aneurysm." "Cerebral." ""cerebal" is incorrect." "See?" "My mum would be so disappointed." "Do you really want to be wasting time on semantics?" "No." "No." "I'm not getting dressed" "As a hint for you to leave, okay?" "I just have to sleep with clothes on." "That's why I'm getting dressed." "I told you my brain could explode at any moment and I might die." "Yeah." "Yeah, I think that's fair." "Good night." "Yeah, so I'll leave early in the morning." "It was nice to meet you." "It was nice to meet you." "Should I go to the mall?" "What do you want to do at the mall?" "I don't know." "Just look around." "Maybe buy something." "I could just not go, though." "Well, what would you do if you don't go?" "Probably get something to eat." "I'm also quite tired." "What time do you come home?" "3:00-ish." "3:00-ish?" "I don't know." "Okay, well, what are the pros and cons on going to the mall?" "Okay." "Pro..." "It'd be fun to buy something." "Mm-hmm." "Con, I just don't know if I can be bothered." "Yeah, no, don't go to the mall." "No, I won't go." "No." "But, I'll go home, but not yet." "I'll stay here for a bit." "Okay, yeah." "Good." "Glad we had this chat." "Good meeting." "Good meeting."