"SO CLOSE TO LIFE" "CASUALTY ADMISSION AND ISOLATION WARD" "You may come in now." "I'm Schoolmaster Ellius." "I spoke to Dr Karlsson on the phone." "He told me to phone for an ambulance and come here." " Was it your wife who was bleeding?" " Yes." " Nurse Mari." " Mrs Ellius." " How are you feeling?" " I'm in pain." " Does it feel like contractions?" " It hurts, then it stops," " then it hurts again and bleeds." " The doctor will see you soon." " You may sit down and wait." " Thank you." "Be a brave girl, now, and everything will be fine." "I'll stay for now, so I'm here if you need me." "Just remember, Cissi..." "Do you really want this baby, Anders?" "I need to know." "Finally, I need to know." "I didn't want to before, but now I need to." "There is nothing you and I can do." "The doctors will do all they can." "If it's humanly possible to save the baby, it will be saved." "Just hand yourself over to the doctors." "A large parcel with a small one inside." "Stay calm, Cissi." "Stay calm, and everything will be fine." "I just need to know your date of birth." "March 20th, 1 930." "Your full name and maiden name." "Kristina Cecilia Ellius, maiden name" " Lindgren." " Address and telephone number?" " 23 Cederdalsgatan." "201 879." " And what is your occupation?" " I work at the Agency for Education." "Just write "secretary"." "When was the first day of your last period?" "I can't remember, Nurse." "When the doctor said we had to hurry..." "The doctor will see you as soon as he can." "We have to admit you first." "June 27." " So you are two months pregnant?" " Yes." "The doctor is on his way." "Call for me if you need me." "Nurse!" "Nurse..." "Nurse!" "It's leaving me!" " How is it, Doctor?" " We will give you an injection now." "I mean...how is the baby?" "I want to know exactly." "But I already know." "It has left me." "Yes." "Unfortunately." "But it would have gone wrong even if you had come in earlier." "Something failed from the start." "I see." "Could you see what it would have been?" "No, you can't tell." "Now you'll sleep, Mrs Ellius, while we perform a curettage." "To clean everything up for the next time." "I don't think there will be a next..." "The poor thing is in pain." "I wonder if she knows yet." "Don't feel sorry for her." "She has it made." "Oh, dear." "What are we going to do with her?" "Let's move down a little." "She's still affected by the anaesthetics." "Good morning, Mrs Ellius." "I am Nurse Brita." "We've performed the curettage." "You might feel nauseous for a while." "It was wrong from the start." "There should never have been a baby." "Don't say anything." "I already know." "Don't try to comfort me, I don't need it right now." "But I have to say it." "I have to say it, now that I see it clearly." "I have never seen anything so clearly in my life." "This baby was not wanted." "Its father did not want it." "Its mother was not strong enough to love it on her own." "That's why it could not be born, and was just flushed away down the drain." "Or put in a jar for scientific purposes." "I have heard how it's done." "You have flushed away what would have been my child." "I deserved it, because I wasn't strong enough." "I didn't love it enough." "You can't leave, Nurse." "You must listen to me." "I never usually speak, but now I have to speak." "I don't feel any nausea, only a tremendous clarity." "I have always known it... known that I wouldn't be good enough... neither as a wife nor a mother." "Some people are predestined never to be good enough." "Don't you think so, Nurse?" "And they know it from the start." "I didn't see it as clearly then as I do now." "Now it feels as if I have always known." "When I found out I was pregnant I could not be happy." "Deep inside, something said, "This baby will never be born."" "I knew Anders didn't love me." "He never told me, of course." "He would never say such a thing." "But I saw it in his eyes." "I saw it in his eyes when I told him we were having a baby." "It was nothing." "It can't be anything." "This is over now." "And the grief won't kill me either." "I will eat, laugh and sleep again." "I have slept and laughed already." "Everyone will be so nice to me now." "Flowers and books." "I am just that type, you see." "I have my friends and my work, and all the beautiful things." "I make such beautiful embroideries." "All of that will come back to me once I get out of here." "In here, everything is different." "I can feel it." "You act differently in here." "Even I do, poor little scared Cecilia Ellius." "Maybe not only wombs are forced open here... but the entire person." "I will never forget this moment." "This close, you see..." "I will never be this close to life again." "At least it has gone through my hands, through my womb." "But like water." "Like water." "Not leaving any trace behind." "My mum used to do this to me." "It may not help, but it feels good." "My mother did the same." "It does feel good." " Is that better?" " Much better." "I suppose it's the effect of the anaesthetics." "I talked a lot." "How did I end up in this bed?" " You were like a lifeless doll." " Lifeless doll?" " I shouldn't be so forward." " Why not?" " My name is Cecilia." " I'm Stina." "And that's Hjördis over there." "Your husband will visit you soon." "Visitors aren't allowed at daytime, but Nurse Brita made an exception." "Hjördis and I can leave the room if you like." "We can go for a walk." "That won't be necessary." "If only I could cry." "You have already been crying, but while you were sleeping." "You sat up in bed and cried your eyes out." "I felt so sorry for you." "A lot of things have happened without me knowing." "But still I feel as if I have always known it." " Known what?" " That the baby wouldn't make it." "It may not be that unusual when it's your first." "My mum had it like that the first time, but then it was all fine." "She practically danced them out." "She had seven in nine years." "I won't have another one." " How are you feeling, Mrs Ellius?" " Much better, thanks." "Schoolmaster Ellius will be here any moment." " How long will I have to stay here?" " Three, four days, I suppose." "Nurse Brita?" "The nappies are done now." "We should postpone your delivery so that you can do all our linen." "But it's against the rules." "The patients cannot work." "I must keep busy." "This boy who won't come out is getting on my nerves." " Let's call it therapy, then." " That sounds grand." "It's to make sure you don't start climbing the curtains." " They would never hold my weight." " That's what I was afraid of." " What can we get for Mrs Ellius?" " Nothing, thank you." " Oh yes, some tea or soup." " Thank you." " He's here." " Your husband is already here." "Please put the screen up, Nurse Maud." " Good afternoon." " Good afternoon." "Thank you." " How kind of you." " Not kind, Cissi." " Is it not kind?" " You talk as if to a stranger." "Is that not what you are?" "You've always been kind to me." "Like a stranger." "Someone at a distance." "Don't argue." "Let me say what I want." "I can only say it here, in this moment." "Thank you, Nurse." " Won't you have some tea?" " I'll try." "I won't argue with you." "Say what you have to say." " But don't strain yourself." " I wanted to say" " that I know you don't love me." " Shouldn't this wait..." " You weren't happy about the baby." " You are tired and upset." " Let's be sensible now." " I've always done the sensible thing." " If we had screamed just once..." " Cecilia, I beg you..." "You may have believed that you loved me once." "Then we got married, and you were too kind to admit that it was a mistake." "When did you realise that it was a mistake, if I may ask?" "Yesterday." "I walked up the stairs, and blood was pouring out of me." "I was afraid." "I turned around to look at you." " I saw the truth in your eyes." " Well... what did the truth tell you?" "It said, "I don't love you." "Our marriage was a mistake." " "This baby should not be born."" " I have never suggested that." "You don't love me." "That's all." "I'm a disappointment and a pain." "Not what you had hoped for." "I couldn't even bear you a child." "Can't you see what a terrible confirmation of my uselessness it is?" "I must set you free." "I want you to be happy." "You want me to be happy, but what about yourself?" "I will be happy if I know that you are happy." "I want to go away, Anders." "It's what I've always wanted." "I am not a strong person." "I'm not suited to life." "At least, I'm not suited to marriage." "Do you mean to tell me that you wish for our marriage to be dissolved?" "I want to set you free, Anders." "I think I've known it for a long time." "But I can see it more clearly after what happened last night." "And it's easier to do this." "But all we've built together..." "Everything at home." " Our furniture and books..." " Leave the worldly goods be." "Leave them for later." "And later?" "What happens later?" "You have to give me time." " Should I not come here again?" " It's better that way." " Maybe I should take these back too." " Let me keep them." "Please." " Cissi..." " Go now, Anders." "Go." "I will take the liberty to call the nurse and enquire about your health." " That's very kind of you." " You know very well that I don't..." " Should I leave your tea here?" " No, thank you." "I'm Dr Thylenius." "I'd like to ask some questions." "Have you been healthy until now, or have you ever been hospitalised?" "I have never been to hospital before." "But as a young girl I had a heart problem." "Then we'd better listen to it." "That's good, thank you." "No, nothing." "When did you have your first period?" "Not until I was sixteen." " Do you have any other children?" " No." " Have you had a miscarriage before?" " No." "Have you ever had a venereal disease?" "Gonorrhoea or syphilis?" "No, I never had anything like that." "Have you done anything to instigate this abortion?" "I'm sorry, could you repeat that?" "I asked if you have done anything to instigate this abortion." "No, I have not done anything." "I wanted the baby." "That would be all." "Thank you." " Andersson's sport shop." " May I speak to Tage?" " Tage who?" " Tage Lindin." " Hello?" " Hello, Tage, it's Hjördis." " Hi, how are you?" " Not great, Tage." "It'll be better once you get out." "Just wait and see." "Why don't you come and see me tonight?" "I'm allowed visitors in the evenings." " I need to talk to you." " You're crazy. ln a place like that?" "Lots of people come here." "Husbands, fiancés and others." "I'm not a goddamn fiancé." " But your the child's father." " I'II fix it when you get out." " Not like last time." "I won't do it." " Not like last time." "I promise." "What should I do?" "What should I tell them here?" "They keep asking questions." "About what I have done and what I will do." "Their questions drive me crazy." "Just stay silent." "Stay silent as the grave." "They're not putting the screws on you, are they?" "Cheer up now." "I can't stand here all day talking." "Bye." "Aren't they wonderful?" "We should talk some more." "I have a minute." " We have nothing more to talk about." " Come on." "Things are going well now, Nurse Brita said." "There hasn't been any more bleeding, and there are no worrying signs." "Please sit." "But..." "Maybe you're not happy about it." "Maybe you would have preferred..." "Well...you don't think marrying the father of the baby is an option, and you don't want to go to your parents' house." "Your parents still don't know anything." "I would like to remind you once more of what I said before." "The situation for an unmarried mother in Sweden today is completely different to what it was 30, 40 years ago." "The state is there to help and protect the mother as she fights for her child." "There's maternity allowance and child benefit, there's free maternity care and social security." "The rights of the child are protected by law and a child ombudsman will support you." "He will make sure you receive maintenance from the father." "There are care homes where you are welcome before and after the birth." "It would of course be better if you contacted your parents." "You are..." "You are afraid of your mother, aren't you?" " I could call..." " I'm not afraid of my mother." "Don't worry." "We won't do anything that you don't agree to." "Please understand that the views on this have changed enormously." "It is neither shameful nor unfortunate for a girl to give birth." "You can call yourself "Mrs" and get yourself a house." "Where would I get the money?" "The bank?" "You'll get a home loan and priority on the housing list." " How will I pay the rent?" " You would have to work, of course." " Then who would look after..." " There are excellent nurseries, with low fees for low-income workers." " And at night?" "When you get sick?" " Well... some things you have to do yourself." "The joy of having a child, something to live for..." "Tell me..." "won't you try to see it that way?" "As a gift." "Something precious." "Something not everyone gets, no matter how much they want it." "There are women who can never have children, because..." "You are trying to scare me into crying." "No, my dear." "I don't want to scare you." "I am not your dear." "And you do want me to cry, because then I am soft." "Once I'm soft you will question me and force me to talk." " We won't force you." " You'll force me to give birth." "Money this and money that." "Homes here and homes there." ""Aren't they wonderful?"" "I find them disgusting." "Disgusting and repulsive." "What do you know about such things?" "You've just read books at a desk." "You've never left the rubber at home or seen tattooed arms digging in you." "Whoops!" "That was a close call." "Do you think that children are adorable too, Nurse Britta?" " Was that the argument?" " Do you think so?" "I see them every day, year after year." "I suppose I'm biased." "They're not exactly adorable." "But there is something about them." "They have everything from the start." "Lungs breathing, hearts beating, arms flailing and hands gripping." " I think they are little miracles." " I think they are disgusting." "Really?" "Nothing else?" "I feel sorry for them too, for having been born." "What's the use of kicking, screaming and flailing your toes?" "It's all crap anyway." "It's all crap." " It's not all crap." " I think it is." "I wish I had never been born." "Not just now, it was the same when I was little." "And that's why you are afraid to give birth on your own." "Should I really have to when I feel that way?" "Sometimes you have to do things without asking." "I can't." "I can't." "Why is she torturing me with her "Aren't they wonderful?"" "She longs for a child herself, but she can't have one." "She's had several miscarriages." "After the last one, the doctor told her to give up hope." "That doesn't mean she has to give me an earful." "Let's see if there's any coffee left." "I haven't had any myself." "You've been gone a long time." "They said they would get you started now." "No?" "Who said that?" " I bet it was only Thylenius." " The other one too." "The woman." "Did you hear that?" "Did you hear, you little one lying in there?" "Only sleeping and eating." "Come out, lazybones, so that mummy can get slim again." "Come out to your shirts, your umbilical bandages and trousers." "Come out to your father, who can't sleep at night because of you." "Come out, you little rascal." "You little scamp and mischief-maker." "Come out and see your mother." "You haven't pinched anything from the medicine cabinet, have you?" "No, Nurse." "This is all faith, hope and love." "Sometimes a little push is still needed." " Is that lager?" "That'll be my first." " You'll need it to swallow this." "Castor oil?" "In that case it will be my last lager too." "But in it goes." "I'm going to take swigs." "Like this." "Come here." "One for father." "One for mother." "And one for our Father and no one other." "One for grandma who's never down." "And one for grandpa... who lives in a town." "One for me, as happy as can be." "And one for the little boy, who is his mother's pride and joy." "Have you ever seen such a mad mother-to-be before?" "No, Mrs Andersson is the worst I have ever seen." "I long for him so much." "I'll go insane if he doesn't come out soon." "What's the matter, Mrs Andersson?" "Nothing, Nurse." "Nothing at all." "What does the Bible say again?" ""A sword pierced her soul."" "That's it." "I don't know where it came from." "But suddenly I thought... what if he doesn't come out like he should?" "I felt a pain pass through me." "Why did I joke and laugh so much?" "It's dangerous." " Sing before..." " But this is not before breakfast." "It's before supper." "Then it doesn't count." "Then it doesn't count." "Good heavens!" "Visiting hours are only half an hour away." "Hjördis, will you comb my hair, please?" "Holding my arms up makes me so tired." "Here." "You should have been a hairdresser." "You have the right touch." "It's not too late, you're still only a child." "Then you could take care of your child on your own." "My hairdresser provides for two little boys." "They are the handsomest boys in the whole borough." "No!" "How did you do this?" "I look fit for a ball." "Mark my words, you have a golden touch." "Good heavens!" " Should I put on some powder?" " Yes, let me see what you've got." "Let me!" " Now it's your turn." " I don't get any visitors." "Sit down." "Come on." "You won't look as nice as me, but I can do a thing or two, too." "Let's see now." "You could do with some grooming, even if you don't have visitors." "And anyway..." "you can't be certain." "No." "No, no." "Keep your hopes up for as long as you can." "Let's see now." "That's better." "And now this side." "Stina is not as stupid as you might think." "And this way." "That's it, my child." "I certainly won't get visitors." "My husband was here this morning." " It's still nice to be looked after." " Of course it is." "What a wonderful mother you will be." "So will you." "Look at that." "Liver casserole." "No more anaemia!" "Thyme." "They've actually used thyme." "Yummy!" "Do you want your food here at the table?" "Yes, please." "The father reports his arrival." "Have you been to the cottage to pick some flowers?" "Yes." "I managed to find the time." "I thought you and the boy deserved a greeting from there." "No shop-bought flowers, since he comes when ours are in bloom." "And he will come soon." "They've sped him up." "I've had castor oil and lager." "Imagine me drinking lager." "I never managed to teach you that." "Trust him to do it." "I still haven't learnt it." "The taste of it..." "This is not bad at all." "Liver, eh?" " Do you get any food, you poor thing?" " Don't pity me." "You should have seen the bacon I fried for supper." "It was so crispy." "Are you here to see Hjördis?" " And for dessert..." " Hi there, Hjördis." "Hi." "I didn't recognise you in that dress." " Please take this chair." " Thank you." "Everyone at the ward sends their regards." "The flowers are from all of us." "I bought them at lunchtime and had nowhere to put them, so they need some water." " I will tell one of the nurses." " Can you do that?" "Just tell them?" "That's what they're here for." "They're paid for it." "And I brought you this." "Thanks." "I don't have this one." " Are you allowed up?" " When it's not bleeding anymore." "Isn't it?" "That means..." "You were bleeding terribly at work." " Nurse Signe said it wouldn't live." " But it did." "I'm too dutiful." "If I hadn't gone to work I wouldn't have come here." " Would it have gone wrong then?" " It would have worked." "Here, they gave me injections and made me lie down." "What had you done?" "The usual." "I ate quinine and drank brandy." " I skipped rope." "I skipped so much." " I see." "And now?" "What are you doing now?" " Hey, Benke said that Tage knew..." " And if I don't agree?" "If you put up a rubber canvas like this... over a frame such as this one... and then you put the whole thing on top of the bath like this, then you won't have to bend over so much when you bathe him." "They sell rubber canvas in the paint shop, and it's not expensive." "Then you can order a sheet of plywood that you put on top of the bath, where you can keep your bottles." "Umbilical powder, bottom powder, hair powder..." "No, not hair powder, you silly." "But what if the sheet will bulge from the steam?" "Not plywood." "That's hard as hell." "It won't bulge." "Did you figure all this out when you lay awake?" "Yes, and then I had to get up to draw." "I stood there smelling your bathrobe for a while." "I had to open the cupboard and look at the boy's shirts and trousers." "Then I went back and slept like a log." "Do you know what?" "You are as crazy as I am." "Visiting hours are over." "Goodbye, then." "Bye, Mummy." "Don't take it so hard." "Don't be silly now." "Bye." "Say hello to the boy." "Well, it's time to take off one's beauty again." "Short but sweet." " Do you need some help sleeping?" " I don't take pills." "For the first night it might be helpful." "Are you no longer in pain?" " It's throbbing down there." " That's expected." "I'll put the pills here for you." " I suppose you have had enough." " Yes." "I could taste the castor oil all through dinner, however good it was." "The end justifies the means, Mrs Andersson." " How beautiful." " They're from our own allotment." " Now they're a greeting to your son." " That's right, Nurse." " May I turn out the lights?" " Yes." " Good night." "Sweet dreams." " Good night." "Now they're fed for the last time today." "I've got a pain in my stomach." "He might come out tonight." "He wouldn't dare." "Robbing his mother of her sleep." "But he's very welcome to." "Tonight." "I'll see to it that he is baptised in church after all." "Even if Harry hasn't agreed yet." "Harry." "He's the best in the world for me." "But he doesn't quite understand these things." " Have you decided on a name?" " Harry, of course." "Like his father." "That's a given." "And Konrad, after my father." "Quite a name, isn't it?" "But that's a given, too." "Then Torsten, after his paternal grandpa." "And everyone thinks we should call him that." "But I will always call him Little Harry." "Oh, dear!" "How nice it will be to sleep on my stomach again." "Well, girls, it's beddy-bye for me." "Beddy-bye." "That's what my mum used to say." "And kip...or snooze." " Good night, and sweet dreams." " Good night." "Sweet dreams." "It has started, Nurse." "It's under way." "How close together are they?" "Every five or six minutes." "We will take you down to the labour ward." "Now it's time, girls." "I'm so happy." "And sweet, dear Nurse, make sure that my flowers are brought down tomorrow." "They're from..." "Don't look so scared, girl." "This is wonderful." "This is life." "I hope you can go back to sleep." "Nurse Inga-Britt." " Is that his bed?" " Indeed." "Are you expecting a crown prince?" "Please slide over." "Take a deep breath." "I've been bragging so much about it being a boy." "Of course, I will be happy whatever it is." "But I think..." "I think so too, and quickly." "This was quick, Mrs Andersson." " How does it feel now?" " It feels wonderful." "The head has moved down, I think." "Are you pushing during the contractions?" "I think so." "Let me know when the next contraction comes." "I think it's coming straight away." "Take a deep breath and hold it." "Push your chin against your chest." "Just push it." "That's better." "Keep holding your breath." "Keep pushing." " Is the contraction over?" " I don't know." " Can't you sleep?" " No." "It's impossible." "I'm wide awake." "Me too." " May I sit here for a while?" " Yes." "Take this blanket so that you don't catch a cold." "I wish I could have a cigarette." " Take one." " What if someone comes?" "It's the middle of the night." "No one will come." "I can't taste it." "I can't taste anything." " It's that damned kid's fault." " Don't call it damned." " It hasn't done anything wrong." " No." "But I have." "They think I'm horrible." "I think so, too." "I think I'm horrible." "I don't want to answer like I do, but the words just fall from my lips." "I bite their heads off although I don't mean it." "Then at night when I can't sleep I get so angry with myself." "Everything just keeps growing and growing." "And I always end up at the very bottom." "Whatever I do, things just go wrong." "I don't know what to do." "Damn!" "What a mess I've made." "I dropped my cigarette." "They'll see that someone's been smoking." "Well, let them yell at me in the morning." " Do you want me to turn on the light?" " No, I found it." "If only things were different, you said." "What did you mean?" "If I had someone who liked me enough to want to marry me." "If I had somewhere to live, so it could have a home then I would be happy about the baby, too." "Not like Stina, of course." "But still..." "in my own way." "I always used to like kids." "In days gone by." "In days gone by?" "When was that?" "A long time ago?" "I grew tired of having a job at home." "Nothing ever happened, so I left." "Can't your parents help you?" "No." "Mother would never forgive me." "Never." "That was the last thing she said to me." "She didn't want me to leave." "She was scared I would make a mess of things." ""Don't you dare come home with a kid," she said." "Mothers say such things...but in the end they receive their daughters with open arms." "Not my mother." "She's always been so haughty and superior, even though Father's just a lumberjack." "Father..." "I don't think he would mind too much." "But Mother..." "What about the baby's father?" "He's not a father." "He just wants to get rid of him." "He has done it once before." "You see..." "I didn't know what it was like." "I didn't know anything." "I just did what he told me." "But I'm never doing it again." "Never!" "I'd rather drown myself than go through that again." "I still think you should talk to your mother." "Mothers aren't always the way we think." "They were young once, too, and can't have forgotten about it..." "Forgive me, Hjördis." "My tablet is kicking in." "I took it when Stina had left." "Why don't you try and get some sleep?" "I can't." "I try and try, but it just makes me feel more awake." "I feel so restless." "Take a sleeping pill." "Didn't you get one?" "Haven't you been taking your medication?" "I couldn't avoid the injections, but I'm not taking the pills." "That's a strong baby you have there." "It doesn't need pills to stay put." "I don't know which one is the sleeping pill." "It's this one." "I remember because it looks like a little yellow rocket." " This might make me sleep." " Yes, I'm sure it will help." "Good night, Hjördis." "I'm half asleep already." "This is bound to be a strong boy." "Chin towards the chest, hold your breath and squeeze some more." "Just a bit more." "That's it." "Squeeze." "Squeeze." "There you go." "That's it." "Easy." "Rest yourself." "Rest yourself, and catch your breath." "Just lie there and rest." "Is it that far gone already?" " Any break between the contractions?" " No, hardly any." " Has the pain stopped now?" " No, it still hurts." "Dear God, I had no idea it was going to be this tough." "Try to relax, Mrs Andersson." "Try and breathe slowly." " I'll go and get Dr Melin." " Ask him to hurry up." "I think we will have to sedate you, Mrs Andersson." " Is there something wrong?" " It's a bit rough." "It's probably best for you to be able to drift away for a while." "Don't use the forceps!" "You're going to hurt him!" "I'll manage!" "I'll..." "I'll..." "It's for your own good." "Please count with me." "One, two, three..." "Four, five, six, seven..." "Good morning." " Is it time already?" " I've heard the screams for a while." "I wonder who is making all that noise." "You don't have to wonder any longer." "This ought to make her stop." "Oh, you're starving, little one." "There we go." "God, it's dripping all over the place." "Come on, hurry up." "Are you bringing in the flowers already?" "No, it's just these." "She wanted them moved here." " Has she had her baby?" " I think so, it started at midnight." "She's been here before, but in another room." "No, no, women aren't supposed to behave like this." "Just gobble everything down without thinking ahead." "Give us a burp now." "Nurse Maud?" "Nurse Brita, please, what's happened?" "The baby died." "They said that her labour was too violent." "She was so looking forward to it." "You don't see that very often." " Does she know about it?" " Yes, I think so." "I'm cold." "I'll get some extra blankets for you, Mrs Anderson." "What are we going to do?" "Nothing, Hjördis." "There's nothing that will help." "It's horrible." "As if life itself has died." "As if nothing is ever going to be born again." "The doctors are making their rounds and will be here soon." " How are you today, Mrs Ellius?" " Fine, I think." "I'm feeling a little bit of pain, though." " Have you been out of bed yet?" " No." "Try and get out of bed for a little while this afternoon." "I want to know why he died." "I feel as helpless as you about this." "And I'm very sorry." "There was nothing wrong with you." "And, as far as I can see, there was nothing wrong with the boy either." "But...it wasn't meant to be." "However cruel that may sound." "That's all I can say." "But... he was alive yesterday." "I felt him move... yesterday evening." "But he didn't survive the delivery." "As far as we know, it was too much for him." "It could be due to changes in the placenta, since you were so long overdue." "But there's nothing to suggest that it won't work out next time." "I think we can discharge you." "But talk to counsellor Gran first." "She'll help you." "Yes, it's in room E." "You can't put them there now!" " The flowers are hers." " But you can't." "I'll ask Brita." "Yes." "X-ray tomorrow at ten o'clock." "Thank you." "Nurse Brita, they wanted to put these with Stina." "They can't, surely?" "We'll put them here, Hjördis." "But you're freezing." "Go and put your clothes on, you can go home today." "It's awful in there." "It's as if there's nothing but death all around." "Nurse Brita?" "Would you loan me some money, so that I can call my mother?" "Of course." "Would you hold my hand?" "It won't take long." " What's the number?" " Söderåsen 975." "This is Nurse Brita at the women's clinic, ward 2." "I would like to be connected to Söderåsen 975." "Thank you." "Ward 2, Nurse Brita." "Just a moment." "975?" "Is that you, Mother?" "Hi, Mother, it's Hjördis." "I've been ill, Mother." "I've been in hospital." "But I feel better now." "Mother..." "I'm pregnant, Mother." "That's why I've been ill." "I wanted to get rid of it, but I can't." "Mother, I want to keep the baby, even though I have to do it alone." "May I, really?" "Even though your worst nightmare has come true?" "Then I'll be there tomorrow." "I'll take the train tonight." "Goodbye, Mother." "Did you hear what she said, Nurse Brita?" ""Come as soon you can," she said." "I can't believe Mother said that." "And I've been so scared of her." "Do you have money for the ticket, Hjördis?" "No, I don't." "What am I going to do?" "I can lend you the money." "Mrs Gran might be able to reimburse me later." " How much is it?" " 27,50 kronor." " I have to write a receipt!" " That's not necessary." "I want to do it properly." "I want to do everything properly." " Will 50 kronor be enough?" " Oh yes, as long as I get home!" "Is that good enough?" "If this works out well, it's all thanks to you, Nurse Brita." "You had it in you, and I believed in it, that's all." "Ward 2, Nurse Brita." "Right." "Yes." "Yes, thank you, very well." " You and Anders are a good match." " Greta..." "As a confirmed spinster, I shouldn't interfere, but..." "Anders is my brother, and you know what he means to me." " You should be able to understand." " Understand what?" "That women of my kind should never marry." "We're independent enough to want to stand on our own two feet... but not independent enough... to be able to support the ones we are married to." "Loneliness is our only option." "What do you think loneliness is?" "A cool serenity, an inviolable security?" "That's an illusion, Cissi." "Real loneliness is a feat." "Behind which a constant fear is lurking." "A constant fear, Cissi." " Are you cut out for that?" " Despite all, I do believe so." "Couldn't it be your feelings of guilt and your physical condition?" "This physical condition you're talking about..." "I wanted to say goodbye, I'm leaving." " We won't have time to..." " I'm going home." " To your mother?" " Thanks for everything." "You've been very kind." "Stina is sleeping." "Will you tell her that I'm going home?" "Of course, Hjördis." "Good luck." "Anyway, you can't leave it like you did yesterday." "Anders was devastated, he didn't understand." "You need to discuss this." "Yes, we need to discuss this." "Should I tell him to stop by tonight?" "Ask him to come, if he wants to and if he's not too tired."