"(I Love Lucy theme music plays)" "(theme song ending)" "It's your bid, Ethel." "Uh, one club." "Say, did you see that dress" "Sylvia Collins had on at the dance Saturday night?" "Yeah, what there was of it." "Uh... one heart." "One no trump." "One no trump." "How do you suppose she held it up?" "Two diamonds." "Who knows?" "All I know is every man in the room was waiting for her to exhale." "I'll say." "Fred's eyes bugged out like a bullfrog with an overactive thyroid." "Uh, I pass." "Hey, how about the attention that Sylvia Collins got from our husbands?" "How about that?" "Uh, I pass." "Pass." "I get it for two diamonds." "Put your cards down, girl." "You know, she didn't light her own cigarette once." "Every time I looked up, some man was racing across the room with a lighted match." "Looked like the start of the Olympic games." "Yeah, the indoor cigarette lighting sprint." "I didn't know my little fat torchbearer could run that fast." "Well, of all the countries represented," "Cuba seemed to be taking the most first prizes." "And just what do you mean by that?" "Well, it wasn't my husband who taught her how to play "Babalu"" "on an upturned wastebasket." " Now, just a minute." " Girls, girls, come on." "Are we going to play bridge, or aren't we?" " Well..." " Oh, it's getting to be the same old story every time we play cards:" "Sylvia Collins, Sylvia Collins, Sylvia Collins." "Well, why not?" "She's the biggest female wolf" "in our crowd." " Yeah." "The way she attracts men." "She's not so beautiful." "No." "What's she got that we haven't got?" "No husband." "Hey, I know how to cure this situation." "ETHEL:" "How?" "Don't you see?" "The men are intrigued by Sylvia because she's single." "This makes her mysterious and exciting." "We have to find Sylvia a husband." " Good idea." " A husband?" "A husband?" "Yeah, it's our only chance." "Now, where can we find her a husband?" "I'll make the sacrifice." "She can have mine." "Now, Ethel." "Is it agreed, then?" "The four of us will dedicate ourselves to getting Sylvia Collins a husband." "Agreed?" "ALL:" "Agreed." "Okay." "Oh, look, there's going to be a wedding." "There we go." "Yeah." "It's all gone." "You don't have to take any more, honey, no." "You want to give Mama a big burp, huh?" "Give me a big burp." "Come on, great big one." "Oh, come on, give Mama a big burp." "Oh, oh... that's a good one, honey." "Oh, my." "You're getting to be such a big boy." "Yes, sir." "Oh, come on, now." "Just going to go sleepy-bye." "You're going to go sleepy-bye, that's all." "Isn't it wonderful?" "Honey, you got your own little bed in your own little room." "Oh, come on now." " Hi, honey." " Hi, honey." "Here's your Papa." "Time to kiss him good night." "Ah, what's the matter?" "What's the matter?" "Aw, come on." "Were you a good boy today?" "Say "Yes, Daddy."" "Ahh..." "Come on." "Were you a good girl?" "Yes, Daddy." "Yes." "Yes, Daddy." "You're going to go bye?" "You're going to go to bed?" "Say, "Yes, Daddy."" "Good night." "I'll be out in a minute, honey." "Oh, he's such a tired boy." "He doesn't want to go to sleep, that's all." "Well..." "Come on, honey." "Good night, boy." "Go say, "Goodnighty night, Papa."" "There we go, honey." "Now, come on, it's time you were in bed." "Little sleepy boy." "Come on, now, you go sleepy-bye." "(clucking)" "Honey, we're going to have a little company." " Company?" " Yeah." "Why didn't you tell me?" "Oh, I forgot about it." "It's a friend of Fred's, and he and Ethel are going to be late getting home so they asked me if we would entertain him till they get here." "Who is it?" "I don't know." "Some traveling salesman or something." "He's a nephew of one of Fred's old buddies, and since he's a bachelor, they thought that he would like a home-cooked meal." "Oh, that's all very nice, but I..." "A bachelor?" "And young, too." "Oh, boy!" "Real live bachelor, right here in my own trap." "What are you so excited about?" "You're married, remember?" "Oh, don't be silly." "He sounds like the perfect man for Sylvia Collins." "You see, the girls in the club have decided that we should find Sylvia a husband." "Now, Lucy, layoff this guy, will you?" "Why is it that every married woman thinks it's their sacred duty to marry off every single guy?" "Oh, we do not." "Well, see that you don't." "After all, if this guy is fortunate enough to still be single, I don't..." "What?" "I, uh..." "I didn't mean it that way." "I mean, if he's smart enough to still be..." "How's that?" "There must be some word that describes what I'm trying to say." "The word is "stupid."" "All right, stupid." "If the guy's stupid enough to still be single, leave him alone." "That's better." "After all, ignorance is bliss." "You let Sylvia Collins get her own husband." "I wouldn't mind if she got her own, but she's getting everybody else's." "(doorbell buzzes)" " There he is." "I got to put my face on." "Now, Lucy, don't forget what I told you." "I don't want to hear one word that sounds like matchmaking." "Oh, now, Ricky..." "I mean it." "Oh, all right." "All right." "(chuckles)" " Mr. Ricardo?" " Yeah." "I'm Eddie Grant, Fred Mertz's friend." "Oh, yeah, how are you, Eddie?" "Come on in, won't you?" " Sit down." " Thank you." "Fred will be here in a little while." "Fine." "Would you like a cigarette?" " Yeah, swell, thank you." " You're welcome." "Nice apartment." "Thank you, Eddie." "Listen, uh, Fred says that you just got in town." "Yeah, I'm on a sales trip." "Oh!" "What do you sell?" " Negligees." " Negligees." "Oh..." "Oh, dear, I didn't know you had company." "RICKY:" "Eddie, this is my wife, Lucy." "Lucy, this is Eddie Grant." "How do you do?" "How do you do, Mrs. Ricardo?" "Are you a native New Yorker?" "No, no, as a matter of fact, I'm on a sales trip." "It's the first time in several years." "Oh, my." "I'll bet your wife is having a gay time in all the shops." "No, no, I'm not married." "Not married?" "A big, handsome, intelligent man like you not married?" "Well, Eddie, how do you like it here in New York City?" "I know just what you need, Mr. Grant..." "Eddie." "What?" "How would you like to have a beautiful girl to take you around and show you the town?" "Go dancing..." "Lucy, leave Eddie alone." "Eddie, Fred tells me that your uncle was in show business with him." "Oh, speaking of show business, you'll want to see all the big Broadway shows." "And it'd be just ridiculous if you went alone." "Wouldn't you like someone to share all that fun with you?" "Lucy, that'll be enough." "Eddie, what kind of an act did your uncle have?" "He did a magic act." "Sawed a woman in half." "Oh, no kidding?" "Have you ever stopped to think how nice it would be to have a woman of your own to saw in half?" "No, but I have." "Well, hi, Eddie boy." " Oh, Fred, how are you?" " Glad to see you." " It's good to see you." " Sorry we weren't in." "That's all right." "The Ricardos took good care of me." "Oh, it was a pleasure." "Well, let's get going-- Ethel's waiting." " Bye, Mr. Ricardo." " Nice meeting you." "Nice to have met you, Mrs. Ricardo." "Nice to have met you." "Oh, I think I'll go with you." "I want to say hello to Ethel." "All right." "Lucy, I want you to stay here with me." "Oh, I'll be right back, dear." "I know, honey." "But I'll be lonesome." "Well, I'll only be a minute." "Don't go, dear." "Well, on second thought, maybe I better stay here." "Yes." "Well, good-bye, Eddie." "Have a good time." "You're going to have a wonderful meal." "Ethel really cooks well." "What's the matter with you?" "You crazy or something?" "I just finished telling you that I don't want you to play cupid and you make us look ridiculous with this guy trying to marry him to somebody he doesn't even know." "How many times am I going to ask you not to meddle in other people's affairs?" "If I asked you once," "I asked you a thousand times." "Lucy?" "Yeah?" "Ooh, I wanted to tell you," "I tried to come over last night but Ricky just wouldn't let me." "That Eddie Grant is perfect for Sylvia Collins." "I'll say" " I went to work on him the minute he walked in." "Did you do any good?" "No." "Fred kept kicking me under the table." "We're just going to have to set up a date ourselves." "I'm going to call Sylvia." "Okay." "Let's see." "That's, uh, C-2-2..." "You know, when I think how I'm sticking my neck out for that bleach blonde in wolf's clothing..." "Sylvia, darling, how are you?" "Yeah, this is Lucy." "Oh, fine, thanks." "Look, Sylvia, dear, I just met the most divine, handsome, well-to-do bachelor and he's all alone, doesn't have anyone to show him around town." "Look, sweetie, sweetie, I told him about you and he wants to have lunch with you today." "What's she saying?" "Does she like the idea?" "She's drooling." "Well, look, dear, can you meet him in the lobby of the Sherry Plaza at noon?" "Yeah, well, just ask for him at the desk." "His name is Eddie Grant." "That's right." "Oh, he's just dreamy." "You'll swoon." "Okay, bye-bye" "Well, that takes care of the spider-- now for the fly." "(phone ringing)" "(whistling)" "Hello." "Hello, Eddie." "This is Lucy." "Lucy Ricardo." "Oh, hi, how are you?" "Oh, just fine, thanks." "I'll bet you didn't expect to hear from me, did you?" "Well, not so soon." "Look, Eddie, since you don't know any girls in town, how would you like a date for lunch today?" "Oh, I'd like it fine." "But won't your husband mind?" "Oh, no, you don't understand." "I was talking about someone else." "Mm-hmm." "No, really." "A beautiful girl named Sylvia Collins." "You don't have to pretend with me, Lucy." "Now, look, Eddie, be serious." "If you want to have lunch with Sylvia," "I'll arrange to have her meet you in the lobby of your hotel at noontime." "Okay, I'd love it." "I'll be there." "All right, good." "She'll ask for you at the desk." "Good-bye, Eddie." "Good-bye..." "Sylvia." "Well, that takes care of that." "Come out here and help me with the dishes." "I think this is a wonderful idea." "Get me circle 7-2-0-9-9, please." "(phone rings)" "Hello." "Fred?" "This is Eddie Grant." "FRED:" "Oh, hi." "Listen, I'm afraid I won't be able to have lunch with you today after all." "Oh, I'm sorry." "What's the matter?" "Business?" "No, not really." "I've got a date." "That's all right, bring her along." "EDDIE:" "No, I don't think I should." "Oh, why not?" "I want to see what kind of taste you have." "There will only be the four of us." "The four?" "Yeah, I've invited Ricky to come." "No, no, Fred, I, uh..." "I couldn't bring her along, no." "FRED:" "What's the matter?" "You ashamed of her?" "No!" "No, no, she's a doll, real dream... but to tell you the truth, Fred, she's, uh..." "she's married, you know?" "You're the sly one." "Well, I got to hang up now, Fred." "I got a couple of business appointments." "I've got to meet her in the lobby at noon." "See you later." "Good-bye, Eddie." "(phone rings)" "Tropicana." "Is Ricky Ricardo there?" "Yeah, just a moment, please." "Oh, Ricky?" "Yeah." "Telephone." "Okay." "Thanks." "Hello." " Hi, Rick?" " Yeah, hi, Fred." "Eddie can't make it for lunch." "Oh, that's too bad." "You want to skip it?" "Oh, no, no, now... here's what I thought." "Uh, he's got a heavy date with some beautiful doll." "Special deal, you know what I mean?" "And I thought we might have a little fun." "RICKY:" "What do you mean?" "Well, we'll wait in the lobby until he meets her and then we'll have a little fun with him." "(chuckling)" "You old dog." "FRED:" "It's the Sherry Plaza and I'll meet you there at noon." "Okay, they have good food there, so we'll eat there." "FRED:" "All right, good-bye, Rick." "Good-bye, Fred." "Uh-huh." "Mm-hmm." "Well, Marion, listen, I expected it." "There just was no other way for that marriage to go." "That's right." "That's right." "What do they expect?" "Yeah, well, that's just life, I guess." "Well, look, dear, I'll call you again and we'll have a nice, long chat." "Give my love to Norman, huh?" "Okay, dear, bye-bye." "What's the matter?" "Do you have any idea how long you've been on that phone?" "I certainly do." "I picked up the phone at 9:15." "It is now 11:30." "11230?" "I have a hairdresser's appointment at 12:30!" "Sylvia Collins has been trying to get you for two hours." " She finally had to call me." " What does she want?" "She can't make that date with Eddie." "She broke a cap off of a front tooth." "Oh, no-- well, can't she go anyway?" "With her looks, one tooth isn't going to make any difference." "She won't go." "She says she looks like a beaver." "Oh." "Oh." "She's been trying to get hold of Eddie but he's not at the hotel." "She could leave a message." "He might not get it, though." "Listen, will you stay here until Mrs. Trumbull gets here to take care of Ricky?" "Yeah, why?" "Well, I'll stop by on my way to the beauty parlor and I'll tell Eddie myself." "That's the safest way." "Gee, isn't that too bad?" "That was such a perfect setup." "(whistling softly)" "Oh, hello, Eddie." "Well, well, well..." "If it isn't Sylvia Collins." "Oh, now, Eddie." "I came down here to tell you that Sylvia couldn't make it." " Oh?" " No, now really." "Listen, if you're thinking what I think you're thinking you're way off base." "I'm thinking only one thing." "Hi, Fred." "Hi, Rick, let's go." "Where you going?" "I thought you wanted to kid Eddie Grant about his girlfriend." "We haven't got time for that now, I'm hungry." "Well, come on, this is the best place to eat." "What's the matter with you?" "Are you crazy or something?" "Come on, let's go and eat." "Oh, look, there's Eddie now." "Fred." "Fred, stop it." "You lost your mind?" "Wait a minute." "Oh, no." "Oh, hello, Ricky." "Uh..." "Lucy." "Well." "Uh, Ricky, the..." "Ricky." "Ricky, I can explain if you just give me a chance." "Hi, Lucy." "Hi." "Is Ricky talking to you yet?" "No." "I don't see why he should get so upset just because I did a little matchmaking." "I know why." "Fred just told me." "Why?" "Well, Eddie thought you were making that date with him for yourself, and being a man, he couldn't help bragging to Ricky and Fred that he had a heavy date." "And Ricky and Fred-- also being men-- decided to go down there and spy on him." "So Ricky must have thought..." "Oh, no, Ricky was just mad at me because I was matchmaking." "Are you sure?" "Well, one thing I'm sure of:" "we got to get Ricky and Eddie and everybody concerned together so we can explain this thing." "Will you go down to Eddie's hotel with me?" "Yes, I think you need a chaperone." "I'll get Mrs. Trumbull to take care of Little Ricky." "You get dressed right away." "Okay, I'll get ready." "Hurry up now." "925, this is it, isn't it?" "Oh, Eddie, I wanted to..." "Eddie?" "Eddie, I wanted to talk to you." "Eddie, let us in, Eddie." "Eddie, open the door." "Come on, now." "Let us in." "Eddie?" "Let us in, Eddie." "Oh, girls?" "I'm down in 914." "If Eddie won't let you in, I will." "Oh, go away..." "Fresh." "How do you like that?" "Fresh." "Eddie?" "Hello, Eddie." "Well, I guess we might as well leave." "He isn't going to open the door." "Okay." "(stomping)" "(with husky voice):" "Telegram for Mr. Grant." "Eddie, we've got to talk to you." "Eddie, we just got to talk to you, you understand?" "Now, Eddie, I've just got to talk to you." "Listen, I'm in a spot because you jumped to some stupid conclusions." "Ethel, get Sylvia on the phone, will you?" "Sylvia Collins?" "Yes, Sylvia Collins, that very nice girl" "I tried to get you a date with." "The rest is just a silly coincidence and I want you to please explain it to Ricky." "You want me to explain it to Ricky?" "ETHEL:" "Sylvia, Lucy wants to talk to you." "Just a minute." "Hello, Sylvia dear." "Is your tooth better?" "That's good..." "Yes, as a matter of fact" "I want to introduce you to him right now." "Sylvia Collins, this is Eddie Grant." "Oh, all right." "Hello." "No." "No, she was exaggerating." "Well, I guess it is a little curly." "Oh, just average height." "It's too bad we couldn't get together yesterday, Syl." "Well, how about today?" "Wonderful." "I'll be down and get you in about a half hour." "What's that address again?" "Swell." "So I'll be right down." "Bye, Sylvia." "Gee, I certainly owe you an apology." "She sounds wonderful." "You see?" "You'll bring her here and then we'll go down to the club and explain to Ricky." "Okay, I will." "Incidentally, girls, while I'm gone," "I want you to pick out any two negligees you want and I'll let you have them... (both squealing) wholesale." "RICKY:" "Well, I'm glad you brought me down here today." "How do you like that Eddie Grant thinking he had a date with Lucy?" "Yeah, how about that?" "He said 925, didn't he?" "Yeah." "I'd be a fine husband if I didn't trust my wife any more than that." "(Shouting);" "Lucy!" "Lucy, open the door!" "Open the door!" "Now, now, Ricky, I know this looks bad and I can explain..." "I think." "Lucy, you here, dressed in that." "You must be out of your mind." "ETHEL:" "Who is it, Lucy?" "Did Eddie come back?" "Ethel!" "You here, dressed in that." "He must be out of his mind." "Lucy, did they think that we... that I...?" "Well." "Now, now, Ricky, this is all very simple and I can explain it if you'll just listen." "Okay." " Go ahead." " Go ahead." "Well, even though you told me not to," "I fixed Eddie up with a date with Sylvia for lunch and then Sylvia couldn't make it and we called Eddie and he wasn't in so I came down to the hotel to tell Eddie and then you saw us and got mad" "so I had to come down again today and tell Eddie and we called Sylvia and Eddie went over to get her and while he was gone he said if we found some negligees that we wanted we could have them wholesale." "That's exactly what happened." "And it was all my fault and I'm sorry." "You told me not to meddle in other people's affairs and I did and I'm really sorry." "That is the most ridiculous story I've ever heard." "Isn't it, Fred?" "I'll say." "Well, that makes me mad." "It makes you mad?" "Yes, I tell you the truth," "I admit it's all my fault," "I practically grovel at your feet and you say you don't believe it." "Come on, come on, tell the real story." "Yeah." "All right, Ethel." "If they want the real story, let's give it to them." "Huh?" "They want the truth." "Let's give it to them." "Go ahead." "Oh." "Well..." "Uh..." "You start." "Well, for a long time now" "Ethel and I have been sick and tired of being married to a stale bongo player and a fat old fuddy-duddy." "A fat old fuddy-duddy?" "A fat old fuddy-duddy." "So when Eddie Grant came to town, we realized that... that here was the chance of a lifetime." "And then what happened?" "Uh..." "And then what happened will amaze you." "Yeah." "So the three of us made plans." "And at midnight tonight, we're all flying to South America." "You were, huh?" "What's so funny?" " What are you laughing at?" " What are you laughing at?" "Look, I ran into Eddie Grant downstairs and I straightened him out but good." "So we decided to come up here and teach you a lesson." "Oh, Ricky..." "That's mean." "That's mean." "(all laughing)" "Come on, Ethel, let's change." "Okay." "Hey, do you think maybe we've suffered enough so that you fellows might buy us these negligees, wholesale?" "How much are they?" "139.50." "98.50." "Good-bye, Lucy." "Good-bye, Ethel." "What do you mean, "good-bye"?" "Too much money." "We decided to let you go to South America." "Oh, Fred." "(I Love Lucy theme music plays)"