"Hey, what you filming there, D-Rex?" "I have to do a video project on our family's Thanksgiving traditions." "So, what are they?" "Thanksgiving's in two days." "Weren't you gonna talk to him about not procrastinating?" "Yeah, yeah." "I'll get to it." "Well, Dave, this is the first Thanksgiving we're having at our house with all your grandparents, so everything's gonna be new." "It was supposed to be about traditions." "That doesn't help me at all." "Forget it." "I'll just deal with this tomorrow." "Hey, Dave." "When you put things off till the last minute, you get such an adrenaline rush." "Okay, do you have the list I gave you to pick up the stuff for the dinner?" "Oh, yeah, yeah." "Got it right here." "Is that a blank piece of paper because you lost the list?" "Nope, not blank " " I wrote some scribbles on it to make it look like words from a distance." "Dave!" "What happened?" "I walked in on Molly getting dressed." "Dave, when a girl " "I got this." "Dave, when a girl is blossoming into womanhood, never look at her." "It's gross." "I didn't see her naked." "Then what's wrong?" "Molly has a tattoo." "What?" "!" "And not that anyone's asking me, but, man, is it tacky." "It's the japanese symbol for "wisdom."" "Molly, we always say we want you to learn by making your own mistakes." "But we don't mean it." "Exactly." "It's just a hollow parenting expression " "Like "we're not angry." "We're just disappointed."" "Yeah, we're always angry." "It's not a big deal." "A lot of my friends have gotten tattoos." "Oh, really?" "Have a lot of your friends jumped off the Brooklyn Bridge?" "No." "Good." "Look, I'm really sorry, okay?" "Mol, an apology is not enough." "There's a permission issue here, and you didn't have ours." "No screens for a month -- no laptop, no tv, no phone." "So you're cutting me off from my friends?" "!" "This month, you have one friend." "His name is Dave Park, which brings his friend total to one, as well." "A tattoo?" "Are you kidding me?" "!" "That's a gateway rebellion." "I mean, soon, she'll have face piercings, those things that stretch out your earlobes, ties to the underworld." "What underworld?" "Oh, like she's gonna tell us." "Why would she choose a tattoo of a japanese character?" "Wait." "Is your issue the tattoo or the fact that it's japanese?" "Both." "But I think we know who to blame for the japanese part." "What?" "Oh, come, now." "You've always pushed your japanese agenda onto the kids, huh?" "Trying to "japanify" them with your field trips to little Tokyo and your edamame." "You even rented "Godzilla."" "You told me to!" "You said you wanted to see San Francisco "Get what it deserves."" "Well, what about those Hello Kitty folders, huh?" "Dave likes Hello Kitty." "I'm not gonna apologize that our kids identify with their japanese background." "Maybe you've forgotten, but our kids are half-Korean, too." "And you could have taught them about their Korean heritage, but it wasn't important to you." "You're a lapsed Korean." "Lapsed Korean?" "Let's face it -- culturally, you have more in common with the white teenage girls at the mall." "Hey, I shop at forever 21 because their men's extra-small fits me perfectly." "Okay." "Forgot my edamame." "Bye, Dave." "?" "Annyeong ha say-yo!" "?" ""Annyeong ha say-yo"?" "Uh, yeah." "That's Korean for "goodbye."" "Actually, that's Korean for "hello."" "Oh, good for you." "Congratulations." "Great." "Great." "Whoo-hoo!" "Then she had the nerve to tell me I'm a lapsed Korean." "Can you believe that?" "Hell yeah." "I have a vcr that's more Korean than you." "Clark, you've known me forever." "How Korean would you say I am?" "Well, you know, I'm post-racial and colorblind and also confused by the question." "But if you whisper to me the answer you are looking for, you shall get it, sir." "I am super-Korean." "Yes, you are." "I am!" "Look, my parents moved here from Korea." "My dad started a Korean school, where I learned about my culture and how not to control my temper!" "Ah." "Small talk." "Uh, let's see." "Let's see." "Ooh!" "I saw Natalie merchant at a Panda Express last night." "Your turn." "Oh, we were talking about how Korean Dr. Ken is." "Whoa, whoa." "A little sensitivity." "Dr. Ken is Chinese." "I'm Korean!" "That's the spirit." "Well, due to unforeseen circumstances with my boyfriend, Topher " "Whoa, wait." "I thought that was over." "Oh, no." "We were on again." "But then he broke up with me because he said I lacked self-confidence." "Like this is really gonna help." "Anyway, I would love to invite all of you to my Thanksgiving Day Orphans Dinner." "I know it's really last-minute, but I hope that you can come." "It's gonna be the party of the year!" "Oh, sorry." "Uh, we're having family over, so I can't make it." "But I want you to know, if that wasn't the case, my mind would be racing to come up with any other excuse." "Pat?" "I know you're also newly single." "Indeed I am." "And I'll be spending my first solo turkey day at the Sportsmen's Lodge." "Yeah, that place is gonna be lousy with drunken, needy women." "Let's just say there'll be two kinds of stuffing." "That was a double entendre." "I'm not sure if it landed." "But the important thing is, I'm hoping to have sex." "Guys?" " Oh." " We'll be there." "Oh!" "?" "Yay!" "Yay!" "Yay!" "Hope no one's allergic to fun!" " No." " No." ""We'll be there"?" "!" "I felt bad." "We'll just stop by." "Okay, but I'm supposed to be with my family." "This is the first Thanksgiving since my grandma passed." "Oh." "When did she die?" "No." "She's alive." "She just passed on the invite, so it actually might be fun this year." "Okay, so just go after." "I have plans, too." "My friends and I have this whole Turkey Trot thing." " You're doing a run?" " Oh, no, no, no." "It's a dance party at a bar in West Hollywood." "Then there's an after-party which goes until 2:00, and then an after-after party, which " "Okay, Clark." "I get it." "It's fun to be gay." "Okay, remember when you were a kid and you were so excited to go to Disneyland?" "It's like that for me every day, but gay." "Oh, my God." "There's a hells angels mixer in our living room!" "Oh." "It's just our tattooed daughter." "What are you doing?" "Since you and mom took away all my screens," "I'm faxting with Tammi." "Faxting?" "Texting with mom's fax machine." "Eh, Tammi's cray." "L..." "O..." "L." "Leave it to Molly to find a loophole." "She's faxting." "Well, as long as she's not fexting." "Is that sex faxing?" "Yeah." "Apparently, it's a real problem in Russia." "What's all this?" "Well, we're establishing new traditions this year, so I felt some of them should be Korean." "So, you bought 4 pounds of bulgogi and eight jars of kimchi?" "Hearing it out loud, I know what you're thinking." "Needs more bulgogi." "I'll be right back." "Ken, Ken, Ken, Ken!" "Where's all the stuff I actually asked you to buy?" "Oh, it all felt too American." "Dave, kill the camera." "You're not putting me in a position to succeed." "So, this is some big-baby-ish reaction to me claiming your heritage isn't important to you?" "Oh, no." "I'm simply sharing my culture with my family." "Why?" "Does that bother you?" "Yeah." "It does." "Our kids are half-japanese, my parents are also coming over, and you're hijacking Thanksgiving." "How you feel if I made tempura and soba noodles?" "Like someone who actually supports his spouse's heritage." "Really?" "Good." "Then that's what I'm gonna do." "And... we already have it in the house, by the way, since, unlike you, I give a crap about where I come from." "And I'm not threatened by that." "Wait." "You're gonna help me cook the bulgogi, right?" "Fine!" "I'll do it myself." "Hey." "You know how to cook bulgogi?" "I don't even know what that is." "I thought you said "business casual."" "Oh, I got khakis on underneath." "Hold still, dad." "Wait." "Is that a polaroid?" "Yep." "You are gonna blow up on faxtagram." "Oh, my Shinto God." "Are you kidding me?" "What?" "It's my Thanksgiving hanbok, yo." "Why are you wearing my wedding hanbok?" "Wait." "This is dad's." "Oh, God." "You make beautiful bride." "Okay." "All right." "Whoa!" "Looking very cool, Ken." "Thank you, Jerry, for embracing my heritage." "Means a lot in light of some recent persecution." "Just shut up." "Is everything okay?" "Yes." "Yeah, Dave is doing a school project, so we're pinning down a few traditions." "Otherwise, it's just a totally normal Thanksgiving." "Happy Thanksgiving!" "Or, as turkeys call it, the reckoning." "What are you doing here?" "Oh, hey, Ke -- oh." "Sorry, Ken." "I didn't realize the dress was..." "Third-century Asian pimp?" "I thought you went to the Sportsmen's Lodge." "I did, but that was a bust." "Hundreds of drunk divorcees, and only two of them were ladies." "It was quite a sausage fest." "Ironically, they ran out of sausage." "So I figured I'd take you up on your invite." "I didn't invite you." "Julie did." "I know, but her thing sounded lame." "Oh." "We brought you this." "Look, Allison -- sake." "Your parents brought even more japanese culture into our home." "Actually, it's just Chardonnay." "Oh, yeah." "Oh, yeah." "We had this at brunch." "Yeah." "Very oaky." "Maybe next time, read the label before you open your cry hole." "Oh." "We brought this for the kids." "We thought Christmas, gift, Thanksgiving, no gift." "Uh, it's just a little something." "Thanksgiving, no gift!" "He's fun, huh?" "Happy Thanksgiving!" "That's from both of us." "Not till you pay me, it's not." "Please -- come in." "I was just finishing cheesing some crackers." "I am just so happy that you guys came." "Oh, it's great to be here." "Oh!" "All right." "Ooh!" "This is bad, Clark." "This is really bad." "I know!" "She's pre-cheesing the crackers, and she doesn't know how much cheese I like." "No!" "Look." "There's nobody here." "She said it was a party." "How the hell are we gonna get out of this?" "My cousins are waiting on me!" "I know." "And I got to get to my Turkey Trot thing." "If you don't get there on time, you get there late, which means you've missed part of it." "Thanks for explaining how time works." "Look, we're just gonna tell her we're just stopping by, we have other plans." " She'll understand." "Right." " Good." "Lois!" "Where are you?" "You're stopping by on your way somewhere else?" "Oh, no." "Don't bother." "You know who "stops by on their way somewhere else"?" "Someone who's no longer my friend!" "That's who!" "Cheesed crackers?" " Ooh!" " Go ahead." "Don't be shy." " That is just the right amount." "Mm, damn!" "This bulgogi's tight!" "So, Jerry, how flight?" "Oh, fine." "We were a little late taking off because " "Too much." "Just small talk." "Got it." "Soba noodles really good." "Oh!" "I'm so glad you like them." "Mm." "You know what's even better?" "Kimchi." "This cabbage fermented up real nice." "I got to say, if I were coleslaw," "I'd be looking over my shoulder right now," "'Cause kimchi's coming up fast, yo." "You know, you guys really got an interesting take on Thanksgiving here, yeah?" "Yeah, it's cool to celebrate both cultures." "It's important to keep in touch with our roots." "Where turkey?" "I'm with chuckles here." "I would kill a man for some mashed potatoes." "A-are you using that fork?" "Thanks." "Okay, I'm gonna need to get everyone saying what they're thankful for." "Now is not a good time, Dave." "Really?" "Thanksgiving's not a good time to go around the table and say what we're thankful for?" "All right." "I'll go first." "Because tonight has been so awkward," "I'm thankful that my car is the last one in the driveway." "Good night." "Oh, I'm sorry." "He's kind of weird." "He's weird?" "You're wearing your mother's wedding dress." "Fits you good, though." "Okay, then." "I'll go first." "I'm thankful for the Korean traditions we're establishing here today." "I'm thankful for my husband, who's not at all stubborn and picks the absolute best time to make a point." "I'm thankful for my wife's ability to convey sarcasm." "And for her ability to brainwash our kids with japanese propaganda." "No offense, Jerry and Pam." "Offense, Allison." "You are such a child." "And you know if Molly had gotten a Korean tattoo, we'd all happily be sitting here eating turkey!" "Molly got tattoo?" "!" "Turkey?" "Where turkey?" "Damona?" "Do you want to guess?" "Corn and cider?" "Nope." "Clark?" "Gunpowder and wool?" "Nope." "The two most lasting gifts that the pilgrims gave the native Americans were smallpox and gonorrhea." "I just love Thanksgiving trivia!" "So, so fun." "Okay, well, it's time for dessert." "I'm just gonna go put the pies in." "Yo!" "The pie's not even in!" "Okay, this has become a hostage situation." "You know what?" "I got this." "What are you gonna do?" "I'm gonna make this go a little bit faster." "Okay, that is not going to work, because, "a," she has a cellphone, and, "b," we are not in a Bugs Bunny cartoon." "In go the pies, out come the photo albums!" "Oh, man!" "Where did the time go?" "What do you mean?" "It's only " "Oh, my God." "What did you guys do?" "Clark did it!" "Greetings from under the bus." "No, it was both of you guys." "You just made time fly on this night that I have been dreading." "Thank you so much!" "You are true friends!" "Yes!" "I'm a very good friend!" "Ohh!" "And now, I am so sorry to kick you out, but I got to hit the hay, you know?" "It's past my bedtime, and I got to clean up." "What about the pies?" "Which..." "You should bring to work tomorrow." "What are you talking about the pie for?" "Get on out!" "Thank you." "Bye!" "Girl, bye!" "Bye!" "What wrong with you?" "Allison called me out for being a lapsed Korean, and I lost it." "Oh, yeah." "You whitest guy I know." "You cried when the R.E.M. broke up." "You must be so disappointed." "You started a Korean school." "You go to a Korean church." "You go to the driving range when most people are working." "I let you down." "Son..." "You don't have to prove you're Korean." "The most important thing is to be good father and good husband, which you are." "Uh, not so much today." "Besides, being Korean is not what you wear or what you eat." "Korean in here." "Trust me -- you plenty Korean." "Now go fix Thanksgiving." "Because this -- hot mess." "Thanks, dad." "Besides, you're not true Korean until you hit entire bucket of golf ball with cigarette in mouth." "All right." "Who wants pizza?" "Pat." "What are you doing here?" "Well, I just had the weirdest Thanksgiving ever." "Don't spread this at the office, but it seems that around the house," "Ken likes to wear a dress." "I-I made a mistake." "I should have come to your thing, and it was very nice of you to invite me." "Aww, that's sweet, Pat." "But..." "It's midnight." "Really?" "That's..." "Odd." "Guess my cellphone must have stopped at some point." "Well, at least that means Thanksgiving's over, thank God." "I'll see you at work on Monday." "Wait." "Pat?" "You came all this way." "Would you like some wine?" "You know, I don't mind if I do." "Thanks." "Hey, bae." "I'm sorry I was such a douche." "Yeah." "That was a real douche-a-palooza." "I mean, the truth is, you're just doing a much better job than me." "I mean, you teach the kids Japanese stuff with a rigid efficiency that " "I don't know where you get it." "Eh, that's okay." "I'm lapsed, too." " No, you're not." " I know." "I'm just trying to make your apology go a little quicker." "We have guests." "Look, I want both of us to pass our traditions on to the kids, but let's do it together." "I'd like that." "You know what?" "Let's start tomorrow." "I'm thinking maybe we take the kids to the Korean Cultural Center." "Eh, you know, I don't think we need to do that, you know." "I mean, my dad said being Korean's in here." "Plus, it's black Friday." "We should hit the mall." "Forever 21 is practically giving away summer tanks." "In search of wisdom... two cultures come together as one." "Old-fashioned methods are kept alive, and new ideas are embraced." "But the most important tradition of all is how now, just like back then, everyone bands together when the white man invades." "What?" "I didn't have a lot to work with."