"I don't know yet." "Oh!" "Will you sit there?" "You're making me nervous." "I feel like I'm reading another one of your pregnancy tests." "I'm sorry, Barb, but I just can't make any less money, okay?" "I'm already using generic pregnancy tests." "Which I think are just Popsicle sticks." "Yeah, I guess that explains why there are riddles printed on them." "Hmm." "That can't be right." "I must have made a mistake." "Oh." "We're in the black." "Oh, the black!" "I knew it!" "It's over." "Okay, well, then, I'm just gonna have to pull Ritchie out of private school, and we'll live in my Prius." "Oh, God, I hope I'm not pregnant." "No." "I keep telling you- black is the best there is." "Uh, Barb, I-I don't think you're supposed to say that." "No." "We made money." "For the first time in five years, we can actually cut ourselves a paycheck." "A paycheck?" "!" "Oh!" "Hey, Barb, if you are messing with me, you better tell me right now, because I don't think I could handle it." "I'm-I'm serious." "Ready for how much?" "Huh?" "Each of us is getting... $2,000!" "(screams) Oh!" "Shut up!" "Oh, you shut up!" "I love this job!" "I love this job!" "I love you, Barb." "I love you, Christine." "You know what this is?" "This is our screw-you money for all those people who said we couldn't do it!" "Screw you, Christine!" "Screw you, Barb!" "(laughter)" "Oh, my God, we are successful businesswomen." "Ah!" "I know exactly what I'm going to do with my money, too." "Ernest and Julio Gallo are going to be jumping up and down in their office, too." "No, I'm not gonna buy wine." "I'm gonna buy a dress." "Yeah." "I've had my eye on it forever." "It's insane." "It's Dior." "And it's $2,000." "And I'm getting it." "Hmm. $2,000 for a dress?" "Wow." "For that kind of money, that dress better do for you what you do for the electricity guy." "Seriously, you should see this dress." "It's elegant." "It's sophisticated." "It makes my boobs look ginormous." "(laughs)" "I think I'm going to give mine to charity." "(laughs)" "That's a good one." "And by charity, what do you mean, the track?" "Do you know how far $2, 000 could go?" "For $2,000, I could build a well and provide water for an entire village." "I don't want to give my money to charity." "You don't have to." "Yeah, but if you do, then I'm gonna feel like a bad person for buying the dress." "Look, I'm not judging you." "You can do whatever you want with your money." "Yes, you are." "You're always judging me." "Every time you read one of my pregnancy tests, you're filled with judgment." "That's not judgment." "That's disgust." "Hold the damn stick yourself." "You can't make me feel bad about getting the dress, Barb." "I'm not trying to." "Well, I don't." "Well, you shouldn't." "Screw you, Barb." "Screw you, Christine." "Hey." "I just got a strange phone call from New Christine, and I'm a little freaked out." "I've got $2,000 in my bra." "I think Richard is up to something." "Am I a bad person?" "Yes." "You never listen to what anybody says." "Barb thinks I'm a bad person." "I think Richard's having an affair." "Just because I don't give money to charity?" "I am talking." "Oh, I'm sorry." "I was listening." "Okay." "So, why do you think Richard is going to the fair?" "Richard told New Christine that he and I were going to the movies, and then she called me because she wanted him to bring her some Sno-Caps." "Oh, I hate Sno-Caps." "You know what I love?" "I love that giant turkey leg that you get at the fair." "Oh." "Yeah." "Oh, yeah." "You were talking." "Okay, I'm listening." "Don't you get it?" "Richard and I had no plan to go to the movies." "I think he's having an affair." "No." "Richard doesn't have affairs." "He couldn't handle it." "He's a horrible liar." "You can always tell he's lying because he repeats your questions back to you." "It's a dead giveaway." "No." "He probably just forgot he wasn't going to the movies." "I mean, you know, at his age, you forget things." "(gasps) Where is my $2,000?" "Hey, guys." "Hey." "Ritchie, do you think I'm a bad person?" "Yeah." "So, Richard, where are you going tonight?" "Where am I going tonight?" "Work." "You know, New Christine called me today." "Did you tell her we were going to the movies?" "Did I tell her we were going to the movies?" "No." "Why are you repeating everything he says?" "Why am I repeating everything he says?" "I'm not." "Are you lying?" "Am I lying?" "Is he lying?" "I got to go." "Oh, yeah, he's lying, all right." "Well, what are we going to do?" "I don't know." "I mean, on the one hand, I really want to buy that dress, and then on the other hand," "I really want to go to the fair." "Well, thank you for seeing me, Father." "Oh, please don't call me Father." "Oh." "Sorry." "Daddy." "Pastor Ed is fine." "Actually, anything..." "other than Daddy." "What brings you here?" "You haven't been to church in over three years." "Oh, that's not true." "Oh, I've been here." "I sit in the back." "I've-I've seen a lot of your sermons on, um... um..." "God." "And, um..." "Mary." "(clicks tongue)" "Okay, so..." "That pretty much covers it." "Um, what's going on?" "Well, I'm in the middle of a spiritual crisis, and I'm having a really tough time." "Hmm." "And, um, is this the part where you bring me some of that wine?" "No." "No?" "Oh." "Well... (clears throat)" "I recently came into some screw-you money." "Please don't tell me how you came into the money." "There's this dress that I really love." "Have you ever loved anything so much that you'd be willing to give up everything for it?" "Well." "Really?" "That outfit?" "What's your question, Christine?" "Does it make me a bad person if I spend the money on myself instead of giving it to charity?" "I would say you should do what your heart tells you to do." "Well, my heart has made some pretty bad decisions in my life." "My heart thought it was a good idea to go backstage at the Peter Frampton concert." "Thankfully, it was pre-Internet so... only four people saw what happened." "I can't listen to that story again." "It challenges my faith." "Can-Can you just tell me what to do about the dress?" "It's important for you to find your own way." "What do you think you should do?" "Well, I don't think that I should feel guilty about spending the money on myself." "I never do that." "I deserve it." "Do you think I deserve it?" "What do you think you deserve?" "Well, for one, a public apology from Peter Frampton's bass player." "For two, a return phone call from the drummer." "For three, I..." "Christine!" "I think you know what the right answer is." "I do." "I guess I've always known." "Hi, there." "Uh, do you still have that fuchsia Dior dress?" "Oh, no." "You're going to get me in trouble." "My manager said I wasn't allowed to let you see the dress again." "Or dance with it." "No, no, I'm not here to dance with it." "I'm here to buy it." "That's a $2,000 dress, and pardon me for saying so, but you don't really seem like a $2, 000 dress kind of girl." "Yeah." "No, I'm not, but I figure it'll pay for itself." "I'll look so good in it," "I'll get free electricity for a year." "I don't want to know what that means." "Hi, Christine." "What's with all the singles?" "Oh, are you stripping now?" "No." "I'm not stripping." "Why?" "Do you think I could strip?" "What are you doing in a nice store?" "And if you're thinking of stealing, there are more cameras in here than a Vegas casino." "They will catch you." "Yeah, even if the face cream accidentally falls into your purse." "It was an accident." "And it made me feel alive." "No, I'm not here to steal." "I'm here to buy." "Oh, I don't think they sell your brands at this store." "Uh-uh." "My brands?" "I don't have a brand." "I got this at the Farmer's Market." "Hmm." "No." "I'm here for the Dior dress." "I recently came into some money." "I decided to treat myself." "Yeah." "There's nothing wrong with that." "That doesn't make me a bad person." "I mean, I'm sure you don't give all your money to charity." "All of it?" "Oh, no, we don't give any of it." "I mean, you give people money, they have no motivation to do anything for themselves." "I say, get off your butt and get a job." "Yeah." "Besides, you give people money, they just use it for drugs and alcohol." "What do you use it for?" "Prescription drugs and alcohol." "Well, and pretty clothes." "And small dogs." "And bail." "I'm bored here." "Mm." "I feel like this conversation has been charity." "Let's go grab some lunch." "Okay." "Okay, here it is." "And how would you like to pay for this?" "Keep in mind, we don't take Mobil." "Oh." "No, no, no." "I have cash." "A big wad of cash." "It's a little wet from being in my bra, but... (laughs)" "I-I worked for it, you know." "It's mine." "I can do what I want with it." "Great." "I will ring you up." "Uh, no, I can't." "Ugh!" "I just won't feel good about myself." "So, I'm putting it back?" "No." "You know what?" "I'll take it." "I don't feel good about myself anyway." "Okay." "Oh, forget it." "Seriously?" "No." "I'll take it." "Really?" "No." "Can I just have one dance with it?" "* Ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh. *" "Matthew!" "Wig!" "What are you doing here?" "I followed you." "Why?" "Because I know you're lying to New Christine." "What's going on?" "Are you living a double life?" "Do you have another family here in Chatsworth?" "Because if you do, take me with you." "I think you're going to be very proud of me." "You made it in before lunch." "I am proud of you." "Look at what I bought with my money." "That is not okay, Christine." "No, no, I'm sponsoring her." "Her name is Anjelica." "And she lives in Guatemala." "And before me she didn't have clean water to drink or a bed to sleep in, but now because of my $2,000, that's all going to change." "I'm-I'm good, Barb." "Yes... we... can." "Why did you do that?" "Oh, you inspired me." "What is that smell?" "Well, you inspired me a little bit, too." "I used my money to buy a professional popcorn machine." "What?" "It's the same kind the movies use." "What-what happened to charity?" "Okay, before you go judging me, there's something you should know." "It also makes caramel corn." "(scoffs)" "You said you were going to buy a well for the village." "Well..." "I bought a popcorn machine for my tummy." "I love it so much." "I call it Albert." "This is unbelievable." "You knew how much I wanted that dress and you made me feel like a bad person." "You know what would make you feel better?" "A big tub of buttery popcorn." "No, Barb." "There is a difference between right and wrong and one of us knows what it is." "Father, would it be wrong of me to stop payment on a check to charity?" "Okay, so, your question for me is:" "can you cancel a check that you wrote to help feed an orphan in Guatemala so you can buy a dress?" "Well, no, not just an orphan, an entire village." "And not just a dress, a Dior dress." "Christine, I know you don't need me to tell you the right thing to do." "Why can't they just get off their butts and get a job?" "Okay, apparently, you do." "Um, think about what you're saying for a minute, and you tell me what you think you should do." "Buy the dress." "Dig deeper." "Turn the other cheek?" "Not relevant." "Whatever decision I make will be the right one for me?" "I know you can do this." "Look into your soul." "There are no wrong answers here." "Christine, everyone has to live with the choices they make." "And you are going to have to live with yours." "Gotcha." "Hi, I'm back." "Good grief." "I see you more than I see my own kid." "I came back to buy the dress." "I'm on a mission from God." "The dress is gone." "Uh, please tell me what you mean is that the dress is gone to look for me." "I sold the one in your size an hour ago." "Oh, no." "Why me?" "Why do bad things happen to good people?" "You know, an entire village gave up their water for this." "What?" "No, look." "There's one right there." "That's a size zero." "What-what are you saying?" "Um, I'm saying that you're more than a size zero." "How dare you?" "You have no idea what size I am." "Ha!" "I told you it would fit." "I am a total zero." "Yes." "Yes, you are." "Wait, so you're not having an affair?" "No, I work here." "And I can't stand around talking to you." "I'm going to get fired." "The only thing more embarrassing than working at the Suit Barn is getting fired from the Suit Barn." "Here." "I'm going to have to measure you." "So, what-what's with the hair?" "Guys who buy cheap suits tend to trust guys who wear cheap hair." "Tell me, uh, where do you wear your pants?" "I don't know, to work." "To the movies." "No, where on your waist?" "Never mind, never mind." "Stand up straight." "Wait, uh, why do you work here?" "Well, the construction business is horrible now." "Things were already tight with New Christine cutting back on her hours with the baby coming." "Stop." "Stand still." "Oh, sorry." "And then the transmission went out on my truck." "So, I had to get a second job so I could afford to fix it." "Why lie about it?" "Why not tell New Christine the truth?" "Because she would have insisted on going back to work." "I can take care of my family, Matthew." "That's my job." "That and putting a man in a good quality suit for less." "And I'm not the kind of man who runs away from his responsibilities." "Wow, I mean..." "Sorry." "I've never seen this side of you before." "The noble tailor." "Well." "You're like Fiddler on the Roof." "I'm a very proud man." "Huh, you really are." "I think your pride is slipping a little bit." "Oh." "My manager's watching us." "Okay, arms up." "Oh." "Stand still." "33... 33... 33." "Can that be right?" "It's right." "I'll tell you what." "I'll keep your secret if you'll keep mine." "Well, we did the right thing." "Yep." "Next time we get a paycheck we can give it to charity." "Or get a churro machine." "Why are you walking like that?" "I'm a little bloated from the salt." "My feet are the size of canoes and my knees don't bend anymore." "What are you wearing?" "You look ridiculous." "I look ridiculous?" "Let's see you try and sit down." "What?" "You don't sit in couture." "It ruins the line." "Hey, Barb, corn me." "So, what'd you find out about Richard?" "Did you figure out where he was sneaking off to?" "What is it?" "Gambling?" "Women?" "Drinking?" "Kettle Corn?" "I can't tell you." "Oh, my God!" "Oh, he is cheating!" "That lying bastard." "Hey, don't you talk about him like that, okay." "He's a good man." "He is more man than any of us will ever be." "What's the matter with you?" "Richard's not having an affair." "He's wearing a wig and selling cheap suits in Chatsworth." "I guess he needed money to fix the transmission on his truck." "He made me promise not to tell anyone." "Because he's proud." "Proud?" "God." "He had me hit him in the nuts with a Wiffle ball to get on America's Funniest Home Video." "So that he could win money to supportis family because he's proud." "Yeah, well, I don't feel bad for him." "Everybody makes their own choices." "They have to live with the consequences." "It's like what they tell you in church:" "you reap what you sow." "(dress tearing)" "Ha, ha!" "(gagging)" "Okay, I usually try to let people find their own way in these situations, but I'm going to be very clear." "You get rid of the dress." "You get rid of the popcorn machine." "Do it now." "Turn your lives around or you're both going to hell." "It's not the same." "Well, maybe next quarter will be good, too, and we can buy another popcorn machine." "No, it's better that it's gone." "I had to saw one of my rings off." "So what made you decide to give everytng to charity?" "Eh, what makes anyone dohe right thing?" "Fear of going to hell." "So, who'd you give it to?" "We're not telling." "True charity is anonymous." "You guys," "I experienced a miracle today." "Your hair grew back." "I went to the garage to pick up my truck, and when I tried to pay the guy, he said that it had already been taken care of by an anonymous benefactor." "Wow." "You're kidding." "That is so weird." "Who would have done that?" "I have a pretty good idea." "You know, I was actually working a second job to get that thing fixed." "But now I can quit and spend more time with New Christine." "Thanks, man." "You're welcome." "No!" "No!" "He didn't do it." "I did it." "Christine, that's low." "Even for you." "Oh, great." "You take the credit, I get nothing." "Not nothing." "Look how cute little Anjelica looks in your dress." "Yeah, she's a true size zero." "God, she's so lucky." "You are a good person."