"* Danger, you're never outta reach *" "* From the hood *" "* Even at the beach *" "* Compton, Long Beach, Malibu Adjacent *" "* You're always in danger when the hood's a-ragin' *" "* C.P.T. Or M.A.D.J. *" "* Remember that the hood is never far away *" "* 'Dis the hood *" "* And it's here to stay *" "* Yeah *" "The Bird." "What do you want?" "Jamaica St. Croix." "You too good for us now that you left the hood?" "We had a good thing together." "Still got that crippled hand, Bird?" "Why fix it?" "I'd only have to change my name." "What do you want from me?" "I left your posse." "I said no to gangbanging a long time ago." "Baby, I got a phat shipment coming in... but the D.E.A. Is scoping for my boat." "Ain't that right?" "Shut up!" "So I'm having someone swim out to Fuego Island and make the score." "And that someone is you." "Jackin' trade for you, Bird?" "Here's what I think of your plan." "Aah!" "Cell phone!" "Maybe this will convince you." "[Woman] Jamaica, don't do it!" "Don't listen to him!" "I'll be OK!" "That was my sister, Montego Bay!" "I needed a little..." "collateral." "Hoochie, I'm giving you 24 hours to rejoin the posse... or you can say good day to Montego Bay." "Ha ha ha ha!" "No." "Come on, suck!" "Suck hard!" "Yeah, that's it, that's it!" "Keep sucking!" "Don't stop!" "You go, girl!" "Keep sucking!" "Ah, that's good." "Good, B.J.!" "Good, B.J.!" "That's it." "You go, girl!" "Get it all!" "Get it all!" "Ah!" "Excellent, B.J.!" "You see, gang... the secret to saving a snakebite victim... is drawing out the vennum as quickly as possible." "Uh, Notch?" "I know I'm new here, but... do you really think there are poisonous snakes on the beach?" "Kimberlee, you can't be too careful." "After all, Arizona is only one state away." "What about me?" "Can I have a try?" "It's all yours, Chip." "OK, I hope I don't blow it." "OK, suck..." "suck hard!" "Yeah, that's it, Chip." "That's it." "Keep sucking!" "Keep sucking!" "Yeah, tha..." "Oww!" "Watch the teeth!" "[Announcer] Tonight's episode..." "Guests of Son Of The Beach stay at their friends' houses." "That's good." "OK, very good." "Nice job, Chip." "Nice job." "OK, Kimberlee..." "you're up." "OK." "Notch, I have an important announcement to make." "Yes, but..." "And that announcement is..." "the police report... a sudden influx of homeless men to the beach." "Tell me about it." "Yesterday, I turned around... and one of them was eating my Chalupa." "OK, everyone, let's hit the beach." "Chief, uh..." "Well I was, uh..." "Chip, it's like snake poison..." "Just spit it out." "I was hoping to get the week off... to train for the Mr. Pec Pageant." "The Mr. Pec Pageant?" "Best upper torso on the beach... for a man." "In 1976, my friend Gunther was Mr. Pec." "I would do anything to follow in his goose-steps." "Think you've got the chops, Chip?" "I don't know." "You tell me." "Well, not bad, my bosom buddy... but let's see if you can keep up with this." "[Sigh] I'd enter the contest, but..." "I pulled my groin last night watching television." "Chip, I'm gonna give you the week off to train." " I only ask one favor." " What's that?" "Win." "Win it for me." "Danke, Notch!" "I would love to be your wiener." "Mother, I wanna look!" "Now, Kody, dear..." "I'm the judge of the Mr. Pec Pageant." "I have to look!" "No!" "I have to look for other reasons!" "Ooh!" "Gimme the damn binoculars!" "Fine, take them." "But I was about to ask you to go get Chip for me." "Oh, Mother..." "you're delicious!" "See, Chappy, you can use the bag to pick up trash... or... you can use it as underwear." "Notch, just give him the bag." "Ah, why bother?" "There ain't enough garbage to go around... with all the nouveau homeless moving in." "Oh, Chappy..." "you've owned this beach for years." "It's time to share the wealth." "And the police say the new guys won't be here long." "Good, good." "Jamaica, you look like you're out of breath." "I just saw something I never wanna see again." " Cellulite?" " No." "Even worse." "The leader of my old gang... the Bird." "You were in a gang?" "Yes, she was, Kimberlee." "What was the Bird doing here?" "He want me to mule his junk... but I don't wanna be a mule!" "What's a mule?" "B.J., a mule is an animal... with long, funny ears." "He laughs at most anything he hears." "His legs..." "Notch, in this case, a mule is a person who smuggles contraband." "And now he's kidnapped my sister." "If I don't do what he wants... he gonna ice her!" "Ice your sister?" "Oh, that is cold!" "I'm so proud of her." "She's number one in her class at medical school." "She's gonna be a doctor?" "No." "An X-ray technician." "An X-ray technician?" "!" "Then, damn it, we have to do something... otherwise, your sister will never know the joy... of pressing that button and running out of the room." "I called you here today because, as you know..." "I'm the sole judge of the Mr. Pec Pageant." "What an honor to be the judge... for such an important contest." "In 1976, my friend Gunther..." "I was thinking, since you're a local boy... wouldn't it be wunderbar if you went home with this?" "The Golden Nipple!" ""Er der es gewinnt die brustwarze... er obert die welt. "" "I had a wild notion of an exercise you could do... that would guarantee your clinching the Nipple." "Really?" "I'll try any exercise." "We could do this exercise..." "together." "But I already have a workout partner..." "Gunther!" "And he has 4 Nipples!" "No, you cute dumbbell." "I'm saying if you and I have a little rendezvous..." "I'll guarantee you win the pageant." "Rendezvous?" "As in sodomy?" "Fornication?" "And doing the bare-ass boogie?" "[Thud]" "All that and more." "Here's the plan." "Tonight at 9:00, room 14... the Lazy "l" Motel." "You know how to use a key, don't you, Chip?" "You just stick it in the hole and... rotate." "Here, Jamaica..." "this will calm you down." "Here, Jamaica..." "this will calm you down." "It's a St. John's Wort smoothie." "You peoples just ain't gettin' it!" "The Bird wants an answer by tonight... or my sister will be pushing up concrete!" "Hey, you listen to me, man!" "I'm not afraid of... big Bird!" "But first, we have to get some information." "Yeah, Jamaica." "Tell us more about this posse you were in." "These mothers are bad news." "But I got out." "I picked myself up by my Speedo straps... and I joined the high-school-equivalency swim team." "How did you get mixed up in all this to begin with?" "It started out as fun." "We has this singing group called H.B.U." "H.B.U.?" "Yeah..."Hot Bitches in Underwear."" "[Moderate Rb Tempo]" "* Baby, baby *" "* Baby, baby, baby, baby *" "* Baby, baby *" "* Baby, baby, baby, baby *" "* Baby, baby *" "* Baby, baby, baby, baby *" "* Baby, baby *" "* Baby, baby, baby, baby *" "* Baby, baby *" "* Baby, baby, baby, baby *" "* Baby, baby *" "* Baby, baby, baby... *" "Word up, dog." "You bitches had your funk on." "Yeah, we were tight." "Until the Bird came along." "He made us..." "turn to a life of crime." "[Sobbing]" "Look at him." "He"s the next Gunther..." "Strong arms... firm, pouting yabbos... and his sun-kissed buttocks.!" "How can I compete?" "L"ll be letting down Notch." "And worse, I"ll be letting down mein Fatherland..." "I mean, my country." "I guess I only have one choice." "Jamaica, what changed your life?" "What got you out of the... g-hetto?" "My brother." "Kimberlee, she means her bro." "He introduced me to the water." "He paid for my swimming lessons." "He even bought me my first pair of floaties." "But my floaties were expensive." "How could he afford 'em?" "My bro was living large." "Until..." "Until he got killed in a swim-by shooting!" "Here, Jamaica." "Here's another smoothie." "This one has St. John's Wort, kava-kava... and ginko balbobova." "But it's my sister... and he'll be calling for an answer tonight!" "Ohh!" "[Sobs]" "[Jazzy Elevator Music Playing]" "I've been waiting for your knock, Herr Rommel!" "Come on in and... blitzkrieg my luftwaffe." "Hey, Chappy... how would you like to make $20 for a little sex?" "Hey, hey..." "I'm homeless, not homo." "Not with me." "With a woman." "Yeah?" "Sure." "Let me just park this thing." "[Alarm Chirps]" "[Anita] Schnell, Red Baron!" "My hangar awaits your Messerschmitt." "[Chappy Growling]" "Hee hee!" "Why won't the phone ring?" "!" "Try to stay cool, Jamaica." "[Ring]" "OK, I'll handle this." "[Ring]" "Hello?" "Son, I'm expecting a very important phone call." "OK, fine." "I'll ask." "Does anyone know a Mike Hunt?" "Mike Hunt?" "Mike Hunt?" "It's a prank, Notch." "A prank." "[Ring]" "I'll get it." "[Ring]" "Hello?" "What up, homey?" "Never mind me." "How's my sister?" "That bitch is money." "Ain't that right, Montego?" "Jamaica, don't be a mule!" "I'll escape from this posse!" "Shut up!" "Ow!" "You're hurting me!" "Tomorrow, 9 a." "M... you're swimmin' to Fuego Island." "Fine." "I'll make the swim for you... but if anything happens to Montego Bay..." "I'm telling the first cop who pulls me over for no reason." "Got it?" "Ooh, I'd like to choke the Bird." "Notch, what am I gonna do?" "Oh, I got this one handled... 'cause tomorrow, at 9 a." "M..." "I'm gonna go down there... and I'm gonna lick your posse." "Read my lips." "I'm gonna lick..." "your... posse." "And I'm gonna enjoy doing it." "0900 o'clock." "Where are they?" "Yo, fools!" "Where you lookin'?" "Montego!" "Oop." "You gotta swim out and get me my Peruvian marching powder." "Wait a second, the Bird!" "Who are you?" "Allow me to introduce myself." "I'm Notch Johnson, and I'm in the house." "The Notch Johnson?" "Why should I let you swim out there?" "Because I'm not a coward... and only a coward makes women do his dirty work." "Johnson, you dissin' me?" "'Cause if anything gets janky, first..." "I'll 187 Montego." "Then I take out your posse!" "OK." "I'm jiggy with that." "Notch, why are you doing this?" "We should call the police." "Don't worry, Kimberlee." "The last thing I'm gonna do... is look foolish." "Am I dreaming?" "Or is that you, my naughty German shepherd?" "Grrr." "I love a gruff voice in the morning." "You made me see God last night." "No one's ever done that." "Grr-rrahhrr!" "Ooh, I was gonna give you a little wake-me-up... but I can feel you're ready to go, Chipper." "Hee hee hee." "Aaaaaaaaaah!" "Hola." "?" "Donde esta la biblioteca?" "OK, I'm here for the stuff." "Just put it in a bag." "Bag?" "!" "You don't need no stinking bag." "That's it?" "That's what the fuss is about?" "One party balloon?" "Not one." "12!" "OK, just put it in a sack, and I'll be on my way." "No, maricon." "You must swallow them." "Ha ha ha!" "That's very funny." "Swallow them... or we'll put them in the other end." " Ha ha ha ha!" " Ha ha ha!" " Ha ha ha!" "Uh-oh." "Here comes the judge." "Rommel, how dare you send a filthy bum into my room... to force himself on me?" "Well, here's a news flash:" "There's no way you're winning this pageant... not as long as I am the judge." "Notch, are you OK?" "Where's the stuff?" "I can't believe I ate the whole thing." "Eww!" "You made him swallow?" "I hate that." "Notch, I'm sorry." "I should've gone." "Ah, don't worry about it." "I just don't know how I'm gonna complete delivery." "Oh, I do." "Swallow these." "Laxatives?" "!" "Don't make him take those." "Yeah." "There's a burrito stand right around the corner." " Eat 'em!" " And what if I say no?" "Fine." "But I'll need a glass of water... and some privacy." "Notch, are you OK in there?" "[Notch] I've taken 7 of those laxatives... and so far, don't feel a thing." "I'm telling you, nothing." "These pills have had absolutely no..." " [Low Rumbling]" " Whoa!" "Holy Mary, Mother of God!" "[Explosive Splashing]" "[Notch Grunting]" "Here come the condoms." "[Gunshot-like Explosions, Occasional Ricochets]" "I only counted 11,Johnson." "You holding out on me?" "[Small Explosion]" "That makes 12." "[Hissing]" " Ugh!" " Eww!" "OK... here's your stuff." "Now let Montego go." "Sure, right after I off all the witnesses!" "Freeze!" "D.E.A.!" "It's the homeless guys?" "See?" "I got the power... of the U.S. Drug Enforcement Agency behind me!" "Jamaica!" "Gentlemen, I give you the Bird." "Notch, you knew all along... that the homeless guys were undercover." "Well, of course I did." "Thanks, Notch!" "I love you, man." "Notch Johnson!" "I'll get you in the end!" "No." "You're going to prison." "You"ll be the one getting it in the end." " Ha ha ha ha!" " Ha ha!" " Ha ha!" "OK..." "the second runner-up... for this year's Mr. Pec Pageant is..." "Mike Hunt?" "Hey, Mike." "Someone called the other day, looking for you." "OK." "Now, before we announce the new Mr. Pec... let's meet the judge for this year's pageant..." "Mayor Anita Massengil!" "Sorry." "Mother couldn't be here... so she asked me to be the judge." "Wow!" "That's queer." "The envelope, please?" "The winner of this year's Mr. Pec Pageant is... from Nuremberg, Germany, Mr. Chip Rommel!" "[Cheers And Squeals]" "Yeah!" "Kody, I can't thank you enough." "How can I ever repay you?" "Well, I do have a prom coming up." "Uh, we'll talk." "By the way, where is your mother?" "Chappy... my Sterno-drinking stallion..." "I can't say no to you." "Can I have your butt?" "OK." "I've never done that before." "It's the best part of the smoke." "Oh..." "Chappy." "Hi, teens." "Notch Johnson here." "Tonight's show was about getting out of poverty." "So here to talk to our friends of the g-hetto... is our own Jamaica St. Croix." "'Maica?" "Thanks, Notch." "[Rapping]" "* Yo, you fi'nna raise up and get yo' booty *" "* In a uptown career?" "*" "* Shoot, dog, don't be layin' in the cut *" "* Gettin' your drink on *" "* And when you gettin' your freak on *" "* With some fly-ass honey *" "* Use a jimmy hat, get yo' game together *" "* Make the other kids in the hood hate on you *" "* As you... heh..." "Audi 5,000 *" "I don't know what you said, but that's good advice." "So, until next time... this is Notch Johnson saying... ride the big one, and..." " peace-out!" " Peace-out!"