"Mike, get your shoes on." "Let's go." "I'm in the middle of taking Guadalcanal and I can't abandon my battalion." "Those guys have families back home, Molly." "They also have helmets and guns and I'm going to your mother's unarmed." "Oh, cool, you can shoot the coconuts." "Your mother's gone to a lot of trouble making dinner for us." "The least we can do is show up on time and pretend to enjoy ourselves." "Hey, whatever we're having, she cooked and froze two years ago." "She doesn't know what it is till it melts." "Could be stew, could be cake." "Call and tell her that we're on our way." " Fine." " If we're late, I'm gonna be the one getting the stink eye from your mom and her ugly dog." "Hi, Mom, just wanna let you know we're on our way." "Yeah, we're headed down the stairs right now." "Molly, watch your step." "Oh, dear God, no!" "I'm fine, Mrs. Biggs." "We'll be there in about 10 minutes." "Ha." "Really?" "I took a shot." "What was that dinner?" "Meat loaf?" "Who knows?" "Might have been banana bread." "Hey, I wrapped up some leftover lasagna for you kids to take home." "If you're not doing anything Tuesday afternoon I could use a ride home from the hospital." "The hospital?" "What's going on?" "According to Dr. "Needs-a-New-Sports-Car" my gallbladder's on the fritz, so they gotta cut me open and yank it out." " Why am I just hearing about this?" " I didn't wanna worry you." "I'm not the type to dump my problems in somebody else's lap." "Mom, you call me when the paperboy misses the front stoop." "I think that perv does it on purpose to get me to bend over in my robe hoping one of the girls flops out." " So do you have a ride to the hospital?" " I'll take the bus." "I can put my money in my shoe and carry a can of Bum-Be-Gone." "No, that's crazy." "I'm happy to drive you there and back." "Okay, but after the surgery, be sure to call the hospital." "If I go toes up, I don't want you to waste your gas or ruin your evening." "Don't say that." "You're gonna be fine." "Gallbladder surgery is actually pretty routine these days." "Oh, I didn't know you were dating a trained physician." "No, I'm just saying it's not necessarily a life-threatening operation." "Hey, anytime you give a woman my age the gas it's a coin flip whether she'll wake up or not." "Oh, and by the way I put "do not resuscitate" instructions in my living will." "I'm sure it's not gonna come to that." "Well, if it does, don't let me lay there drooling or making crazy vegetable talk." "Mom, I am not gonna pull the plug on you." "If you're too squeamish, have your girlfriend do it." "Make sure there's no chance of recovery before you let her kill me." "Mrs. Biggs, I realize you're worried, but you shouldn't blow it out of proportion." "This is the casket I want." "It's the Solid Mahogany Classic with the tufted champagne satin lining." "It looks nice." "I'm sure you'll be very comfortable." "This is crazy." "We don't need to worry about caskets and funerals." "No, you don't, because your father and I made arrangements years ago." "Bought side-by-side plots picked out the headstone, had our names carved on it." "Hang on, you're saying somewhere in Chicago there's an empty grave with your name on it?" "Drain me, dump me, and get somebody with a decent voice to sing "The Old Rugged Cross."" "Enough of this." "You are going to be fine." "Oh, and you'll need to get your dad's name scraped off the headstone." "If he thinks he can run off with that whore and get a nap next to me he's mistaken." "So you're gonna use the other grave for, like, what, storage?" "Or Jim?" "No, Jim wants to be cremated and have his ashes scattered either in the backyard or Yosemite." "Really?" "Heh." "And how do you know that?" "I've had him since he was a puppy." "You just know." "Anyway, Mikey, the extra grave is yours if you want it." "That's very generous of you, Mom, but you're not going anywhere." "I'm guessing when the time does come, I'll be buried next to Molly." "What?" "Uh, oh." "Mike, we haven't even bought a couch together yet." "Let's..." "Let's not get ahead of ourselves." "Ha." "Right, sorry." "You might wanna be cremated or be frozen like Ted Williams' head." "Oh, that reminds me, I defrosted a pie." "You weren't serious about that burial thing, right?" "No, no." "I made a joke about being buried next to you." "You made a joke about not wanting to be." "Everybody was joking." "Everything is funny." "Man, I love directing traffic." "Getting to wear the gloves." "Which, in my book, dress up any outfit." "Yeah, a lot of fun." "Standing in the snow, waving my arms around like a fat mime." "You don't see the poetry in it." "We are the conductors and the cars are the orchestra." "Camry, Camry, come on" "Dump truck, hold Give me a little Vespa here" "City bus" "Spoken like a man who's never been given the finger by a van full of seniors." "You are negative today." "From the moment I picked you up:" ""This sucks." "Turn off the radio." "Stop talking."" "Stop talking." "Look at this." "I ordered two eggs over medium." "Now, one's over easy, one's over hard." "How do they even do that?" "Samuel." " What?" " Could you explain these eggs to me?" "Well, there's a mommy chicken and a daddy chicken." " And when they really love each other..." " I ordered two eggs over medium." "Not over soft, not over hard, not one of each." "Two eggs over medium." " You think you can handle that?" " My apologies." " I will bring you two eggs over medium." " Thank you." "Would you like me to spit on them in the kitchen or would you prefer table side?" "I wouldn't push it." "He's in a mood today." "And now, thanks to him, so am I." "Excuse me while I go lash out at the dishwasher." "For no apparent reason." "All right, tell me what's wrong." "I know it ain't about them eggs." "I just want what I ordered." "Please." "I've seen you eat a Fudgsicle that you dropped in the sand." "You call these plates clean?" "!" "I think Molly and I are headed for the skids." "What?" "I thought you were doing great." "I thought so too, but yesterday, it became clear that I'm more committed to this relationship than she is." " What makes you think that?" " I asked if she wanted to be buried next to me, she looked at me like I was a crazy person." "Kind of like the way I'm looking at you now?" "I admit, it's a little cart before the horse, but her reaction was a real eye-opener." "If she'd asked me, I wouldn't have flinched." "Seems like a twisted way to test a woman's commitment." "You haven't even bought a couch together yet." "Why does everybody hate my couch?" "Besides, that's moot." "You and I already made a pact to have our ashes scattered along the third-base line at Wrigley." " When did we agree to that?" " Two years ago." "Cubs-Phillies?" "Quarter beer night?" "You made a turban out of your T-shirt?" "People complained?" "I have absolutely no memory of that." "Well, unfortunately, the entire bleacher section does." "But you do remember our death pact?" "Yeah." "If you go first, I clear all sensitive items out of your bedroom before Grandma gets to it." "Everything questionable, disreputable and inflatable." "Don't just erase the memory on my laptop." "Run over it, go at it with a welding torch and throw it into Lake Michigan." "You know, you didn't have to come." "She's my mom and I can take care of her." "Oh, don't be silly." "This is part of being a couple." "You know, supporting the other person when they're going through something." "Yeah, I appreciate it." "People bail when things start to get difficult." "But so you know, I'm not that kind of person." "Duly noted." "Mike Biggs sticks." "Like glue." "Through thick or thin." "I have no doubt about that." "Even if you got a bad perm or had to cut off your own arm in a rock-climbing accident I'd be right there by your side, hand in hook." "Uh-huh." " Sweetie, are you feeling okay?" " Right now I'm fine." "But where would you be if I lost my arm in a rock-climbing accident?" "Well, I'd be living in a parallel world where you had the ability to climb rocks." "Clearly, you are not ready to have this conversation." "I don't even know what this conversation is." "All right, I laid my burial dress on the bed." "Don't bother with the pantyhose or fancy shoes." "The good Lord knows I have a paunch and hammer toes." "Mom, quit talking like that." "You're gonna be fine." "I put stickers underneath the furniture with the names of the people it goes to if I kick." ""The usher at the church with the weird ear."" "Oh, and here's Jim's eye drops." "He's got glaucoma in his right peeper." "Two drops every six hours." "So I'm taking care of Jim?" "Mikey doesn't have a yard, plus he lives above an Asian family." "I know they don't all eat dog, but why bait the hook?" "Well, I'm more than happy to babysit this little guy." " You sure?" "It's a pretty big commitment." " Not at all." "We're gonna have fun, aren't we, Jim?" "Don't patronize him, it gives him the squirts." "Feed him twice a day." "No chocolate or table scraps." "Oh, and if I should happen to croak, for God's sake, don't tell him." "He'll jump in front of a bus just to be with me in heaven." "Mrs. Biggs, you're gonna be fine." "But if anything does happen I promise to give Jim a happy home for the rest of his life." "But if you do change your mind about Jim or find a better dog please, call me to come get him, don't put him to sleep." "She wouldn't do that, would she?" "I couldn't tell you, Mom." "I don't even know who she is anymore." "I think the old one made the big one crazy." "Come on." "Come on, come on, come on." "Come on, Jim." "Eat your dinner." "Come on." "Why don't you throw spaghetti on top of it?" "No, he can't eat table scraps." "But dogs love spaghetti." "Didn't you see Lady and the Tramp?" "Maybe just a little bit of sauce." "All right, Jim." "Ho-ho-ho." "We got a special treat for you." "Oh, yum, yum, yum." "Yum, mm, mm, mm." "Mm, mm." "He might not be hungry." "He's been snacking on his backside for the last hour." "Why don't I take him outside and help him work up an appetite?" "Come on, baby." "You're going for a walk with Auntie Victoria." " Have you heard from Mike?" " I tried to call him again but he's not answering his phone." "Everything okay between you?" "I don't know." "He's been acting so strange lately." "Kind of feels like he's pushing me away." "Maybe he's just freaked out about his mama going under the knife." "That's part of it, but it's gonna take more than a gallbladder to bring her down." "I'm guessing you have to drop a farmhouse on top of her." "Well, whatever he's upset about I'm sure it's not as complicated as you think." " Men are pretty basic creatures." " I know." "Mike's usually not a difficult read." "I've gone through my normal checklist:" ""Is him tired?" "Is him hungry?" "Is him horny?"" " It's usually one or the other." " Don't I know it." "Sometimes it's all three." " What do you do with that?" " Climb on top of him with a cookie in your mouth and wait for him to fall asleep." "Whoa, somebody found their appetite." "Yeah, Jim and I had a nice little walk behind the garage." "Man, he makes that dog food look really tasty." "Okay, I'm gonna go home." "Try to sleep." "You got a big day tomorrow." "Wait, Mikey, before you go, I want you to hold on to something for me." " Your engagement ring?" " And if I don't pull through you might think about giving it to that girl of yours someday." "Well, we'll see." "Maybe." "I hope so." "Come on, I've seen the way you look at her." "I mean, she's a little loud and goofy for my taste." "Has a way of making everything about her." "But I wouldn't have left Jim with her if I didn't think she was a good person." "Mom, let me ask you something." "If you'd known things were gonna go south between you and Dad, would you have married him?" "If I knew he was gonna bust up our little family to run off with a professional face-squatter?" "Yeah." "Would you still have built a life with him if you knew you were gonna go through all that pain?" "I guess so." "Why?" "Well, if I hadn't taken a chance on that dirt bag I wouldn't have you, would I?" "I love you, Mom." " Love you too, boy." " I'll be back first thing in the morning." "Oh, and one more thing." "If I don't make it through the operation..." " Quit saying that." " Just in case." "Have one of the nurses pin this to my gown before they wheel me into the morgue." ""What you're doing is wrong and you're going to hell."" "Any creep that spends his life working with dead bodies is not just in it for the money." " Hey." "Hey." " Hey." "What's up with Jim?" "He's a little out of it." "We danced for a while and then he crashed." "Boy, I wish I could get some sleep." "It's been so long since I've slept alone, I guess I'm not used to it anymore." "You miss Mike, huh?" "Yeah, the bed just feels so empty without him." "Well, part of that is that he's a very large man." "Any idea what he's upset about?" "It started when he asked to be buried next to me." "I didn't know what to say." "It's sweet that he's thinking that far ahead, though, right?" "I guess, but I can't answer that question honestly." "I mean, who knows what can happen from one day to the next?" "True." "If you had told me yesterday that I'd be getting stoned with a dog I'd have been very skeptical." "But here we are." "I love Mike, but I can't predict the future and I don't wanna make promises to him I can't keep." "Well, there's nothing wrong with making a promise that you wanna keep, right?" "What do you mean?" "Remember when Dad died?" "We were both just kids but you held me in your arms and said you'd take care of me forever." "I remember." "And you've kept true to that promise so far." "Have I?" "All except the part about us being ballerina princesses living in a chocolate castle." "Well, you never know what tomorrow may bring." "Right?" " Good night." " Good night." "Hey, if you want, you could put one of Mike's shirts on my beanbag chair and sleep with that." "No." "Actually, that might work." "Doctor said everything came off without a hitch and you can probably go home tomorrow." "Can't get rid of me fast enough, huh?" "It's all about turnover in this slaughterhouse." "Hello?" "Mrs. Biggs, how are you feeling?" "Like a gutted trout." "How are you this morning?" "Good." "I brought you some flowers." "No candy, huh?" "Yeah, it probably wouldn't have survived the drive over." "Well, you seem like you're back to your old feisty self." "Is there a vase anywhere?" "Use my neighbor's water pitcher." "I think she flatlined last night." "Or requested to be moved to another room." "It's nice of you to come by." "Don't be silly." "Can I talk to you for a second?" " Sure." "I'll be right back." " That's what your father said when he went out to get cigarettes 20 years ago." " Yeah, well, I don't smoke." " Neither did he." "What's up?" "Look, I just..." "I want you to know that I love you and I'm not planning on going anywhere." "When you do dump me, it'll be out of the blue?" "Mike, stop it." "What we have right now is pretty great, isn't it?" "It's the best." "Then can't we just concentrate on what we have and not put so much pressure on the future?" "You mean live in the moment and appreciate life as it comes along?" " Exactly." " Yeah, I'm not very good at that." "Well, me neither." "That's why I'm trying to take things slow and not get ahead of ourselves." "I'm sorry." "I guess the idea of losing my mom started me thinking about losing you and I kind of panicked." "Not gonna lose me." " Ever?" " Mike." "Can you at least say at this moment you wanna be with me forever?" "At this moment, I wanna be with you forever." " There." "Now, was that so hard?" " Ha-ha-ha." "Not to be a mood breaker but one of you love birds better slide a bedpan underneath my keister." "I'll wait in the hall." "Nurse!" "I'm gonna need a nurse." "Oh, now we are talking." "Very stylish." "Not many straight guys can pull off that look." "Okay, time for Jim to go home." "So soon?" "I thought he was gonna be here a couple more days." "Well, Mike's mom's back on her feet and I think she misses him." "I get it." "He's an easy hang." " Time to say your goodbyes." " Okay." "Goodbye, Jimbo." "I've enjoyed our talks." "And our walks, if you know what I mean." "He knows what I mean." "Just give him to me." "Oh, ooh." "He's packed on a few pounds, hasn't he?" "Yeah, little dude likes to munch." "And tell Mrs. Biggs I don't think we're gonna need those eye drops anymore." "I think we got that glaucoma nipped in the bud." "I've gotta explain to Mike's mom why her dog smells like Willie Nelson's tour bus."