"RADIO: ..." "And the question I'm asking you is, what is the name of Jacques Cousteau's boat?" "What is the name of Jacques Cousteau's boat?" "It's The Calypso, in't it?" "That's it." "Calypso." "RADIO CONTINUES" "Three pie and beans." "Wait a minute, Boabby, it's Tam's turn to pay for the pie and beans." "Boabby, come on now, I'm on the phone." "Please!" "Oh, here we go." "Penn and Teller." "Sorry, Boabby, not with you." "They're magicians." "Are they?" "That's good, get us two pie and beans before I make this boot disappear up your arse." "Hello, Eric, Winston." "Tam!" "How you doin'?" "Ssh..." "Thomas Mullan, 25 Ratloch Road, Craiglang." "Saga radio quiz." "OK, now we have online a Mr Thomas Mullan from Craiglang." "Hello, Thomas, how are you?" "Whoa!" "I don't believe I'm through!" "Well, you are." "Tell us a wee bit about yourself, Thomas." "I'm a businessman." "OK." "Can I ask what sort of business that is?" "Beetroot." "I'm in the beetroot business." "That's very unusual, I don't think we've ever had anyone on in the beetroot business before." "So, you sell it, do you?" "I'm a supplier, to M, Sainsbury's, Tesco, all the big stores." "OK." "Is it beetroot in jars?" "Oh..." "Both types." "Crinkly and balls." "Any family?" "Eight sons and four daughters." "We have a large house and a big Jag." "Oh, yes." "Beetroot's been very good to me." "OK." "Remember we asked what was the name of Jacques Cousteau's boat?" "That would be the Calypso." "Guess what, Thomas?" "What's that?" "That's absolutely right!" "Congratulations, Thomas, you've won a pair of theatre tickets for this" "Friday for the first night of Uncle Vanya at the Citizens Theatre." "And as an added bonus, a pre-theatre meal for two at Salerno's restaurant!" "Tell me, do you enjoy the theatre?" "She does." "Beetroot's my life." "Well, I'm sure you'll both enjoy yourselves." "In the meantime, congratulations again and thanks for calling." "What you on about, eh, Tam?" "Big hoose." "Jag?" "Beetroot, be Christ?" "It's radio." "It's all fun." "They cannae see ye." "It's a perfect opportunity to be someone else for a laugh!" "Meal for two and a night at the theatre." "Oh, ya bastard!" "Frances is away at her sister's this weekend." "Okey-dokey, ladies and gentlemen!" "I have a meal for two at the fine Salerno's." "Starter, main course and pudding, followed by a very entertaining night at the theatre." "Do I have ?" "50?" "How about ?" "50, in the room, for the whole package." "Ten quid." "Ten quid?" "Jesus!" "We've got ?" "10, do I hear 20?" "No, you don't hear 20, ye hear ten, cos ye didnae pay anything for it!" "Twenty." "I'll go myself!" "Well, that's what tae dae then, go yerself." "Jam two meals doon yer neck then spread yer fat arse over two seats and enjoy the show." "Ten quid." "What about you guys?" "No, no." "Last time I went to the theatre was Peter Powers." "Naughty naughty hypno show." "That's right." "He got up on the stage, made him eat an onion and then he got his cock out." "What's the play called again?" "Uncle Vanya." "It's about an Uncle." "Called Vanya." "What about you, Boabby?" "Does this boy Vanya eat an onion and get his cock oot?" "I don't think so." "Nah." "Ten pounds." "Sold." "Sold." "Five pie and beans." "This is smashin'." "Pizza there..." "Spaghetti Bolognese." "What's polio?" "It's fish, Jack." "I'll stick to the spaghetti." "Aye, me an' all." "Evening, ladies." "Evening, gentlemen." "Nice here, in't it?" "Aye." "Shame we've got to go to the theatre." "Russian garbage." "Bottle of wine and a Bolognese inside us?" "We'll be snoring by the time the curtain goes up." "We don't have to go." "No, we do not." "We'll stuff our faces, then head up the Clansman." "Aye." "Good call." "Bloody Uncle Vajna." "Varna." "Aye." "Varna." "It's Vanya." "Excuse me?" "The play." "It's Vanya." "Are you going?" "Oh, yes." "We love the theatre." "We see all the shows." "Enjoy them thoroughly." "We can't wait." "Toby Canavan is such a wonderful actor!" "Isn't he?" "Isn't he though?" "What was the last thing we saw at the Citizens, Victor?" "Shakespeare." "It was Shakespeare." "Indeed it was." "Which one was it again, Victor?" "Romeo and Juliet." "Is the house plonk all right for you?" "Oh, aye, perfect." "Ready to order?" "Aye, soup and spaghetti, son." "I'll take the Minestrone and the Bolognese." "Yes." "As will I." "Would you ladies care for a glass of wine?" "That would be lovely." "Where are your seats?" "Oh, seats..." "B13 and 14." "Oh!" "We're 15 and 16." "We could sit boy-girl, boy-girl." "Boy-girl, boy-girl!" "You must be well chuffed, eh, Boabby?" "Look around!" "This place is going like a fair!" "I can hardly hear the jukebox for the till!" "Aye, well it doesnae help when he sent two of my regular Friday night customers to the theatre." "If it's any consolation, Boabby, they'll be having just as miserable a time as we are." "RAUCOUS LAUGHTER" "So, where are you from?" "Kilmacolm." "Very nice." "When Liz's husband died, she sold her house." "And, by the way, she made an absolute fortune on it!" "Stop it you!" "Well, you did!" "She moved in behind me." "In fact, when I'm on the tennis court" "I just shout over the hedge and ask her over for a game!" "But we're both rubbish!" "We just do it as an excuse to drink Pimms in the afternoon." "Tennis court." "So are you widowed?" "No." "I'm divorced." "Long time ago now." "Blonde secretary." "But I got my own back." "I got a good lawyer, thank God, and got what I was due." "That's good news." "So you two are brothers?" "Oh, brothers, aye." "Of course Jack's a couple of years older than me." "Enough of your lies, Victor." "He's two years older I am." "So are you retired the both of you?" "Oh yes." "We sold our business." "So what sort of business did you have?" "Eh, beetroot." "Jarring, sending it all over the world." "You'd be surprised how lucrative it is." "Of course we sold the business and split it right down the middle." "I am good to myself, I don't mind telling you." "And I have been." "I was a bit shrewder." "I invested it and tripled it." "In a year!" "Very clever man my older brother." "Then sadly my wife died but she was independently wealthy so that brought me right back up on a par financially with Victor again." "Then, unfortunately, my wife died and left me enough to race away back in front again of Jack." "So, you're men of leisure." "Yeah, why not?" "Why not indeed?" "Now..." "This next lot are on us!" "You got the last three now." "Right." "Tripled it in a year!" "Excuse me." "Older brother?" "Tam's right." "It's good being someone else for a wee while." "Aye." "That's all well and good but they're nice ladies." "We should ease off the tall tales otherwise they'll be expectin' a run up the road in a Bentley!" "All right, then." "We'll cool it doon." "It's marvellous though." "Sitting here suited and booted, chit chattin' with a couple of good looking dames." "Takes years aff ye." "Aye." "They're coming back." "Let's keep a lid on the porkies." "Yeah." "Cheers." "Hey, oh that's good..." "Chin chin." "Chin chin." "I've got a boat." "Have you?" "How romantic." "So it's Captain Jack." "Aye aye, ma'am." "40 footer, all-singing, all-dancing." "Berths six comfortably." "I'm more of a land lubber myself." "I summer at my retreat in Kenya." "Do you get to the country often?" "Which country?" "The Scottish countryside." "Not as often as we'd like, eh, Jack?" "We have friends that live in Blairtunnoch." "They're always entertaining." "In fact, we're going there tomorrow for a bit of shooting." "Then later, dinner and a party." "Would you like to join us?" "Cameron always welcomes any friends of ours!" "Victor?" "That would be wonderful." "Tomorrow?" "Give us a number and we'll call you in the morning with how to get there." "It'll be lots of fun." "It's only for the one night." "Overnight?" "Oh, yes." "The drinking goes on into the wee hours." "Right, we'll bring our jammies." "You might not need them!" "Jesus, Jack, what are ye needing' a case that size for?" "Stuff and that." "It's an overnighter, no' three weeks on the Queen Mary!" "You've probably under packed." "I know what I'm doin', boy." "Right, get it open and we'll see if you know what you're doin'." "Here we go." "Gardening gloves." "What de ye need these fur?" "Brambles." "Thicket." "Jaggy nettles 'n' that." "Not required." "Torch." "It's dark in the country." "We're no shooting' at night, Jack." "What you pack cheese for?" "I like cheese." "So do I. And so do the toffs." "There'll be nae shortage of cheese." "So, no to the cheese then?" "No to the cheese." "Mosquito net." "In January." "Not needed." "Neither is the loaf, the pillow, or the bleach." "Or, in fact, the wellies." "Wait a minute, I'll need the wellies." "You'll no' need wellies." "Toff's hooses are fulla wellies." "They've got rooms specifically designated for wellies." "They're welly daft." "I'm saying yer way aff on the wellies." "Aye, well, we'll see..." "PHONE RINGS" "Oh, wait, Jack." "I'll get it." "Good morning." "How may I help you?" "Whom may I say is calling?" "One momink please." "Sir!" "Sir!" "Sir is making his way from the conservatory." "Oh." "The length of this hall!" "Hello there." "Pam!" "Good to hear from you." "Hold on." "I've got a pen here." "OK, fire away." "Right, The Grange." "And the number?" "No number." "Just The Grange." "That's in Blairtunnoch." "OK." "I'll bring my wellies." "Ha!" "They'll have loads of wellies." "Hold on a second." "Take the wellies out the case, ya idiot!" "No, no, don't send a driver for us." "We've got our own driver." "Oh, no, that's fine." "All right, we'll see you then." "Bye then." "Bye." "Why did you turn the lift doon?" "Where are we gonna get picked up from?" "This shithole?" "Oh, aye." "But Blairtunnoch's in the middle of naewhere!" "We cannae get a bus!" "I know." "ENGINE REVS Finally..." "Tam?" "Aye?" "Are you bringing the bloody stock, or what?" "Naw, Navid." "I've got to go back to the Cash and Carry." "I forgot..." "Curly Wurlies." "You can get them next time!" "Naw, naw." "If a job's worth doing well..." "So, what's in Blairtunnoch?" "That five quid was for petrol." "It's no' cash for questions." "What's the street?" "It's no' a street." "It's called The Grange." "Ooh!" "The Grange." "BAGPIPES PLAY IN DISTANCE" "Right, that's you." "We cannae get out here, Tam!" "How no'?" "Cos it looks bad!" "What are you doing you imbecile?" "Can you not see we are receiving guests?" "!" "Deliveries round the back!" "Ach, take the poker oot yer arse, ye prick!" "Tam." "Take us back doon the lane!" "C'mon lads." "What's going on?" "The suitcases?" "Tell me something!" "Anything!" "Thanks for the theatre tickets." "Your doing a grand job." "I've got some coppers here." "He's a piper, Jack, no' a bloody busker." "Get in!" "You made it!" "Pam!" "Liz." "It's bracing out there." "Gentlemen." "I'll take your cases to your rooms." "Smashing." "Marvellous." "I'll just tell Cameron you've arrived." "Aaaah!" "New blood!" "And this is?" "Jack and Victor." "Jack and Victor..." "Piblington." "They're brothers." "So that makes me Jack Piblington." "The Piblington brothers." "Unusual name." "Piblington." "Nothing wrong with that though." "I once knew a man in the army called Snarklefoot." "Jonathan Rice Edwards Snarklefoot." "Prick of a man." "That's not to say that your stupid name makes you two pricks." "Get these down you!" "Start as we mean to go on!" "Have you ever done any shooting before?" "Just at the fun fair." "We've shot every creature on God's earth." "Safari men!" "Yes, we shot the lot." "We even kicked a giraffe to death one time!" "Get yourselves down the gun room, gentlemen." "Gear's all there." "See you in half an hour!" "That's just called tomato juice, isn't it?" "No, there's a quarter bottle of vodka through that, Jack." "Tally ho!" "Hey ho." "This is the bollocks, intit?" "Ye, going to shoot the gun?" "No." "How no'?" "I'm 75, Jack." "I'm here for the grub and the drink." "William Featherston." "Hello." "Victor." "I'm Jack, aye." "You're with Pam and Liz?" "We are." "Smashin' girls." "Yes." "They were saying you have a place in Kenya?" "Ah yes, Kenya." "Whereabouts?" "Kenya." "Yes." "Whereabouts in Kenya?" "Mombasa." "Yes, east of Mombasa." "You have a place east of Mombasa?" "!" "Yes, very nice it is too." "Rolling hills as far as you can see." "East of Mombasa?" "Bird in the air!" "Be my guest!" "No, you carry on." "I insist." "Go on." "Go on." "Aaargh!" "No..." "He said, "Thanks for the theatre tickets."" "Theatre tickets?" "We're getting naewhere fast." "Pull in the big guns." "Isa?" "Aye, boys." "Jack and Victor are up to something." "We cannae figure out what they're at." "Gimme what you got." "Tam, here, drove the boys to a big estate hoose in Blairtunnoch." "Oh..." "They had suitcases with them." "Aye." "Fancy cars in the drive." "Right." "And they made me drop them a good bit away from the hoose." "Then as a parting shot, what was it they said?" "Thanks for the theatre tickets." "Well, I know they went to the theatre because Marie MacDonald fae the bakery saw them in the bar at the Citz talking to two well-heeled woman." "Laffin and joking' away." "Noo, Jack and Victor go to the theatre and meet two snotty-nosed women cos it's aw they high-falutin types that go there." "They women either have a big hoose or know someone that does and our boys have wangled an invite." "And the suitcases." "Big or wee?" "Wee." "Well, that suggest an overnight stay." "It wouldn't surprise me to find that they were making out they're toffs themselves." "How so?" "Because they don't have a fancy car and they wouldnae want to be seen getting out an old van - that would show they didnae have two bob - so that is why you dropped them a good bit away from the hoose." "Jesus, Isa." "You are good, I'll give ye that." "It'll be a weekend of good livin'." "And we're no' invited." "We certainly are not!" "So we're sitting in a Chieftan tank three miles from the Suez - out of fuel, takin' heavy fire, absolute carnage everywhere - the entire village behind us on fire, completely surrounded." "Who marches round the corner immaculately dressed but Dicky Farnborough holding a bottle of port shouting at the top of his lungs, "Where's the bloody party?" "!"" "Ooh!" "Excuse me just a moment." "Victor, you must have some riotous tales from Kenya." "Er, no." "Nothing funny ever happened to me in Kenya." "But Jack used to visit and when he did... that is when the funny things happened." "Jack." "That's right." "There was this one time I like to recall when Victor and I were on safari in Kenya and we were in the car - the Jeep, safari Jeep - and a big pile of monkeys came oot of nowhere and one wee monkey" "got hold of the aerial and snapped it aff and then ran away wi' it intae the jungle." "It was some laugh." "It was..." "This is all east of Mombasa, is it?" "!" "Yes." "Was it a sea monkey?" "Sorry?" "It's just anything east of Mombasa must surely be the Indian Ocean?" "It is east, isn't it, Victor?" "I suppose it depends on which way you're pointing." "Um...it could have been west." "There you are then." "Aye... a monkey snapped our aerial and ran out into the west." "Sorry to interrupt, people." "We have some more guests." "This is Winston Halliberton Clegg and his wife Isabella." "Their Bentleys ran into a ditch on the farm road and the bloody RAC can't get there till morning." "It's a filthy night so I've asked them to join us for supper, if no-one minds." "I don't mind." "And this is..." "Sorry I didn't catch your name." "I'm..." "This is Thomas." "He's my...personal man." "Set another two places." "Thomas, grab yourself a sandwich in the servants' quarters." "I don't mind sitting here with youse lot." "Very good." "Hardly(!" ")" "# There's a somebody I'm longing to see" "# I hope that he Turns out to be... #" "What the hell are youse playin at?" "The same thing you're playin at!" "Do you think we're gonnie sit in the manky Clansman while you're up here lording it up?" "We were invited!" "Youz two bastards are gatecrashers!" "Ah, shut up." "It's just a laugh, intit?" "Wait till I tell the lassies at the bingo!" "Stop the music!" "Let's have a good old game of charades!" "Come on, Liz, you're first!" "All right." "Come on everybody settle down." "...that Lionel Blair fellow?" "Yes, with Una Stubbs." "A book..." "ALL:" "Five words..." "ALL:" "First word..." "Away?" "Far, far, far." "ALL:" "Fifth word..." "ALL:" "Sounds like shout." "Shout?" "Loud." "Sounds like proud." "Ah, Far From The Madding Crowd!" "C'mon Winston!" "Have a go." "All right, then." "A film!" "We don't really do films." "We stick to theatre or books." "Ach, it's a book as well." "Grand." "Come on." "One word." "Sounds like." "Willy!" "Tadger." "Dick." "Strange couple." "Yes, I think they're new money." "Sounds like balls?" "Good god, man." "What are you doing here?" "You should be in the quarters at the rear of the house." "Thomas!" "What are you playing at?" "!" "You insubordinate dog!" "Stand over there!" "Now, repeat after me." "Please forgive me, for I am a worthless idiot." "Please forgive me for I am an idiot." "Worthless idiot!" "Worthless idiot." "Steady on, old boy!" "Please, Cameron." "This man is a servant." "When a dug pishes the carpet you don't give it a biscuit, you rub its nose in it!" "Bend over." "What?" "You heard me." "Bend over." "Oww!" " Oh, dear." " What's wrong?" " It's a bit of bad news, really." "Something's been stolen." "You've been burgled?" "I'm not sure." "A small painting of my grandmother." "It's dear to us." "It was painted by Sir John Lavery." "I'm afraid I'm going to have to call the police." "I imagine there'll be questions." "This has put a dampener on everything." "I mean, who...?" "Right." "That's it." "I'm outta here." "This is turnin' into bloody Cluedo." "Tam, have you stole that painting?" "Indeed I have not!" "And I've had ma arse kicked for nothing!" "Right, Jack, Victor." "Are you comin'?" "Coming where?" "This is preposterous!" "Who are you?" "Ye can drap they plummy voices." "The polis'll be here and they're gonna find out we're no toffs but a pile of rubbish fae Craiglang." "We'll get the blame of that painting even though we've never took it." "He's right." "Oh, shit!" "Haw!" "Where are you going?" "Listen, guys." "I cannae be here when the busies arrive I've got previous for this." "I'll get 18 months shoved up ma arse." "Gie that to me." "You're some piece of work, you." "Givin' it to us tight about Kenya!" "Nae wonder." "I can spot a nae user like masel a mile off." "Right." "He's no stole anything noo, has he?" "So...oot the windae!" "Listen, we're really, really sorry." "We've told a lot of lies to impress ye." "We've actually no' got two bob." "We're fae Craiglang." "We came here in a Transit van." "Is it still oot there?" "You could gie us a lift." "We're fae Parkmill." "We've no' got two bob either." "DOGS BARKING" "DOORBELL RINGS" "I am Prince Navid-Fariq." "The horse drawing our carriage became lame and we had to shoot it." "We were wondering if..." "Shite!"