"( theme song playing )" "No personal calls on company time, Kinch." "Shh!" "It's the British sub." "( beeping )" "Roger." "Over and out." "When can they make the rendezvous?" "Thursday." "Thursday?" "That means we're going to have to hide her for 48 hours." "Her?" "What her?" "Who's her?" "!" "The girl from the French underground that Colonel Hogan's bringing in." "The one we're going to get out to the sub." "A girl?" "!" "Janine Robinet-- a fashion model in Paris before the war, and one of the great French beauties." "Ooh-la-la." "You never told me this!" "It must have slipped me mind." "You are cruel, Newkirk." "The English are a cruel people." "They behead their wives!" "Oh, come off it, LeBeau." "You seen one French bird, you've seen... them all." "You were saying?" "Blimey!" "I don't think old Henry would put her head on the block." "Gentlemen, Janine Robinet." "This is LeBeau, Newkirk, and that's Kinch." "How are you?" "Hello." "( speaking French )" "Oh, you're French." "Oh, like a sidewalk cafe." "NEWKIRK:" "I've always been very keen on French toast." "Never mind the salesmanship." "Merci." "Kinch, did you get through to the sub?" "All set, Colonel." "The rendezvous is Thursday at 2200 hours off Weingarten Beach." "Thursday." "That's perfect." "When Klink leaves for the staff meeting in Mendelburg, we'll slip Janine into the trunk of his car." "But, Colonel, Mendelburg is 40 miles from the coast." "HOGAN:" "That's right, but when he stops there, the underground will transfer you to a milk truck for the rest of the trip." "But how do we know old Klink's going to stop at Mendelburg?" "Because he always stops at Gretchen Adler's Hofbrau for a glass of beer, a pinch of salt and a pinch of barmaid." "No wonder he always comes back with a smashed monocle." "Janine, you're going to have to stay down here for the next couple of days, but you'll be safe." "Safe?" "It is the first time" "I have felt safe in a long time." "But you, you are all risking so much for me." "You and a lot of other brave people you've been working with." "But we can't let the Gestapo get you." "But I would not talk." "We can't risk that-- not with those animals." "Let's go." "Is there anything special you would like for dinner, Mademoiselle?" "Ah, no need to make a fuss, LeBeau." "Just send us down whatever you got-- maybe a bottle of wine and a couple of candles." "I always dine by candlelight, my dear." "( speaking French )" "Oh?" "And you said the English were cruel." "Up." "Colonel, how can you let this girl eat down here by herself?" "Who said she's going to be by herself?" "Janine?" "Oui, Colonel?" "I'll bring the wine." "Oh, lovely shot there, Kinchie!" "Here you are, LeBeau." "See if you can do any better." "Okay, I'll try." "Colonel Hogan." "Yeah, we know, Schultz-- roll call." "But I want the men to finish their game." "There won't be any roll call." "Look, no arguments, Schultz." "This is our exercise period." "I said, there will be no roll call!" "And I said..." "No roll call?" "That's right." "Colonel Klink is sick." "Nothing trivial, I hope?" "Probably the German measles." "Is it contagious, Schultzy?" "I don't know;" "we don't even know what kind of a sickness he's got." "Well, just to be on the safe side, Schultzy, don't dance with me today." "You all have hearts of stone." "Schultz is right." "It's no laughing matter when a man is sick, especially when it's a nice guy like Colonel Klink." "Who says he's a nice guy?" "You want him so sick that he can't get to the staff meeting Thursday?" "And what difference would it make to you if he goes to the staff meeting?" "Well, for a start, the man's been going at it pretty hard." "Yes, he needs a rest." "I know I would need a couple of days off if I was a commander in a camp where I was a prisoner." "Well, whatever Klink's got, it's contagious." "Oh, come on, Schultz." "You just don't believe in your fellow man." "I want to make sure Klink is well enough so he can get away for a few days." "I don't believe it." "You are up to something." "All right, Schultz, if you must know." "We're hiding a beautiful model who is being hunted by the Gestapo, and we plan to smuggle her out of camp in the trunk of Klink's car." "Now, when he stops at Gretchen Adler's Hofbrau to get his monocle smashed, the underground is going to pick her up and take her to Weingarten Beach, where a British sub is going to surface and take her back to England." "( laughing )" "Is any of it true?" "Only the part about the smashed monocle." "Schultz, deep down, you don't care, but I intend to find out just how sick old, poor Colonel Klink is." "Why don't you try a shot, Schultzy?" "Yeah, don't eat them, Schultz." "Throw them." "I bet you a chocolate bar you can't get a ringer." "( Schultz chuckling )" "Pay the man." "( Schultz chuckling )" "( knock at door )" "Come in, come in." "Colonel Klink?" "Dismissed, Hogan." "No complaints today." "Not here to complain, sir." "I just brought you some flowers." "Why, thank you." "There's a card there, too, sir." "There is?" ""To the heavens we all shout" "'Get well quick' to our favorite Kraut."" "Carter wrote the poem, but it sort of says it for all of us." "I'm overwhelmed by your sentiment." "We're just a bunch of softies, sir." "Mmm." "Hogan, wait." "These flowers-- you tore them out of my garden, didn't you?" "It's the thought that counts." "Dismissed, Hogan." "Now, leave me alone." "You know I don't feel well." "I just hope you get well enough in time to go to that staff meeting." "I have no choice." "If I didn't go there, there'd be no use having a staff meeting." "It'll please a certain little barmaid at Gretchen Adler's Hofbrau." "How do you know about that?" "You know how people like to gossip." "What's that?" "Cold compress." "Keep your eyes closed." "I didn't know that air force pilots were also medical officers." "You learn a lot from dating nurses." "I don't think this is going to do any good." "It can't hurt." "You've got to try everything." "I felt a lot better before you put this on." "Mm-hmm." "You just relax." "Hey, how about me reading to you?" "Just leave me alone." "A few chapters from Mein Kampf." "Or don't you go for science fiction?" "Hogan, you're talking about our Fuhrer." "Aha!" "See, you're feeling better already." "Please leave me alone." "All right, how about the German officer's manual?" "Why would I want you to read out of the officer's manual?" "One of us ought to know about military funerals." "Hogan, you always go too far." "Tell me, Colonel, do you want to wear your helmet when we bury you, or do you want it on top of the coffin?" "I consider that to be in very bad taste." "I agree." "Having it on top of the coffin is in bad taste." "Much too showy." "Dismissed, Hogan." "I order you back to the barracks at once." "General Burkhalter." "General Burkhalter?" "!" "What, may I ask, are you doing, Colonel Hogan?" "Reading Klink bedtime stories?" "Uh, sir, Colonel Hogan was just visiting." "I find it very interesting that an American prisoner should be so concerned about the health of a German commandant." "Well, it is true, we're on opposite sides and Colonel Klink belongs to the enemy but, after all, he is a human being." "Give or take a little." "What is this?" "Well, sir, you see, the men, they were..." "Klink, shut up, or I'll put that compress on your mouth." ""To the heavens we all shout" ""'Get well quick' to our favorite Kraut." "From the gang at Stalag 13."" "Klink, there must be something wrong with the way you are running this camp if the prisoners should be so concerned about your health." "You see, sir, the men were worried about the commandant." "We think a lot of him." "I am not here to discuss what you think of Colonel Klink, Hogan!" "Major Hochstetter is in this area looking for a member of the French underground." "I do not wish any trouble with the Gestapo." "I am sending for Colonel Busser to take over during your illness." "But General Burkhalter, the staff meeting..." "Klink!" "They won't even know you are missing." "Dr. Kronk will examine you tomorrow, and I am recommending that you be sent to a rest camp." "Klink's going to a rest camp?" "HOGAN:" "Yup." "LeBEAU:" "But then it will be impossible to get Janine to Mendelburg to meet the underground." "That's right." "What are we going to do, Colonel?" "We've got to cure Klink before the medical officer gets here." "What do you think he's got?" "Nothing." "A mild case of the flu." "Where's our medic?" "In the hospital with a mild case of the flu." "Swell." "I think I could cure Klink." "I remember a remedy that my grandmother had." "Everybody's grandmother's got a remedy." "But my grandmother happened to be a midwife." "Oh, well, if we hear Klink's going to have a baby, we'll call for you." "Very funny." "All right, knock it off." "Kinch, get in touch with London." "Tell them we need an emergency drop of penicillin." "Right, Colonel." "Colonel, you think you can get Klink to sit still for a shot of penicillin?" "We don't want him to sit still." "We want him to bend over." "He's not going to know he's going to get the shot." "He's not?" "Of course not." "He's going to think he's being cured by your grandmother's remedy." "Incidentally, what is it?" "A hot mustard plaster on the chest." "And, around the neck, a string of garlic." "We may cure Klink, but I'm afraid he's going to strike out with the barmaid again." "Carter, never mind laughing." "Do some work." "Now, come on." "Get on with it." "All right." "You don't see anything different about me, do you?" "All right, let's go." "Uh-huh." "Two flashes blue, two white, two more blue." "All right, Newkirk, give them the answer." "They read us." "Let's go." "Make it fast." "The Krauts might have seen this come down." "And, if they find it, they find us." "Kinch, here's the penicillin." "Right." "You know, that mustard plaster of yours don't smell like any mustard plaster my grandmother used to make." "Kinch is right." "Smells good enough to eat." "It is." "I made it with béarnaise sauce." "Béarnaise sauce?" "I was out of mustard." "You think Klink will go for that?" "When we get finished with him, he'd be willing to put a banana split on his chest." "Qu'est-ce que c'est banana split?" "Well, you cut a banana in half, you layer on a few scoops of ice cream, then some whipped cream, some nuts, put a cherry on top, cover the whole thing with chocolate sauce..." "Please don't talk like that in front of my béarnaise sauce." "All right." "Halt!" "Who goes there?" "Heinrich Himmler, Joseph Goebbels, and I'm Hermann Goering." "Jolly jokers." "Herr Kommandant left strict orders not to be disturbed." "Schultz, the poor man is sick." "There are absolutely no visiting hours here!" "We did not come to visit." "We're on a mission of mercy." "Mission of mercy?" "That's right." "We're a crack medical team, Schultz, and we've got something here that's going to cure Colonel Klink." "Oh, it smells good enough to eat." "That's medicine." "You cannot go in there." "You've got a heart of stone." "Those are my orders!" "Look at it this way, Schultz." "If Klink doesn't get well, do you know what's going to happen?" "They're going to ship him off to a rest camp, and that's just a jumping-off spot for the Russian front." "Ja?" "Look at it another way, Schultz." "Who's the first one Klink's going to take with him?" "Who can refuse a mission of mercy?" "Please save the commandant." "And, if you need any blood, don't go to strangers." "( knock at door )" "Come in, come in." "Well, well." "How's our patient today?" "Dismissed, Hogan." "I'm a very sick man." "Exactly why we're here." "Stalag 13's answer to the Mayo brothers." "KLINK:" "Will you please all leave?" "You're looking at a man with 102 fever." "No problem." "LeBeau has a perfect cure." "It's an old remedy his grandmother used." "I'm not interested in old remedies." "The doctor will be here soon." "He'll see how sick I am." "He'll send me to a rest camp." "A rest camp?" "I thought Burkhalter was kidding." "Don't let him send you, sir." "Why not?" "You heard what happened to Colonel Feldkamp at Stalag 15?" "How do you know about Colonel Feldkamp?" "I have my sources." "You and your sources." "Rumors, rumors, rumors." "Yeah, yeah." "I guess you're right." "My sources aren't too reliable." "After all, it's the same place where I heard about you and that barmaid at Mendelburg." "What about Feldkamp?" "They thought he was so overworked, they sent him to a rest camp." "And, when he got out, he was so rested they sent him to the Russian front." "Now he's really resting-- in peace." "Poor Feldkamp." "Please, Colonel, for our sake, don't let him send you to a rest camp." "What kind of a remedy did your grandmother have, cockroach?" "Oh, it's a fabulous cure, Colonel." "First, you wear this ring of garlic around your neck." "That's to draw off the poison in your system." "Then we put this secret béarnaise sauce plaster on your chest." "A béarnaise sauce plaster on my chest?" "Ridiculous." "Remember, they laughed at Fleming with his moldy bread." "Open your shirt, Colonel." "I will not." "All right, let him carry it with him." "Take the chill off the cool breeze from the Volga." "I will, I will." "Believe me, by tomorrow, you'll be as good as new." "KLINK:" "You know, I have heard of these old-fashioned treatments." "My grandfather used to get it all the time." "He lived to be 108." "Oh, that's remarkable." "He would be alive today if he hadn't gotten involved with a young widow." "Oh, well, that's another story." "( screams )" "Something the matter, sir?" "Something stuck me." "Probably a loose spring in the mattress." "I'll have Schultz fix it right away." "I think the best thing now is plenty of sleep." "We'll stop by in the morning." "Thank you." "Thank you very much." "Oh, cockroach?" "Yes, sir." "Do you really think that béarnaise sauce plaster and the garlic could cure me?" "Absolutely." "Just don't expect too many visitors." "Amazing!" "You look the picture of health." "KLINK:" "Good morning, good morning!" "I feel absolutely marvelous." "Corporal LeBeau, I am most grateful to you and your grandmother." "That sauce béarnaise plaster was an absolute miracle drug." "Now you'll be able to go to your big staff meeting." "Oh, yes, I'm looking forward to it." "All you need now is a shatterproof monocle." "( knock at door )" "Come in, come in." "Colonel Klink?" "Yes, yes?" "Dr. Kronk." "Ah, Dr. Kronk, how nice to see you!" "These are two of my prisoners" "Colonel Hogan, Corporal LeBeau." "But I thought I would find you sick in bed." "Aha!" "That was yesterday." "Today I am in perfect health." "You must be to be eating such rich food for lunch." "Oh, I haven't had my lunch yet." "Then my compliments to your chef." "They must be cooking something quite delicious in the mess hall." "I think you're smelling the béarnaise sauce." "Yes, that's what cured me." "Oh?" "You were cured by eating béarnaise sauce?" "No, Doctor." "We put it on his chest." "Yesterday, I had 102 fever." "This morning, I woke up absolutely normal." "Here, feel my head." "You are fine." "It is me I am worrying about." "I understand the Fuhrer goes in for offbeat cures." "You could make a big hit with him with this béarnaise sauce plaster." "I could also be practicing medicine on the Russian front." "Doctor, I can assure you that this cure works." "The Fuhrer would be most grateful." "LeBeau, write out a prescription for the doctor." "You can get it filled at almost any French restaurant." "Never mind." "German doctors are a little sensitive when they discover they're behind the French in medicine." "We are not behind the French." "Well, it's obvious that there is a béarnaise sauce plaster gap." "You must excuse me, please, Colonel." "I have other calls to make." "Pleasure to see you, sir." "( chuckling )" "Well, our troubles are over." "Our troubles?" "Well, now you can go to your staff meeting." "Yes, I can." "Klink!" "Major Hochstetter!" "What are these men doing here?" "I'm his personal physician." "I'm his night nurse." "What can I do for you, Major?" "For the next 48 hours, no one is to go in or out of this camp." "And you are ordered immediately to double your security force." "Double the security force?" "HOGAN:" "With his record?" "What are these men doing here?" "He's right, sir." "There has never been a successful escape from Stalag 13." "We have reason to believe there's a girl from the French underground in this area." "A French girl?" "This is a piece of cloth from a garment she wore." "Hmm." "That's interesting." "Very interesting." "HOCHSTETTER:" "Tomorrow, at precisely 3:00, we are bringing in tracking dogs especially trained by the Gestapo." "It is possible this girl is hiding in this very camp." "Oh, no, sir." "Impossible." "Ridiculous." "What are these men doing here!" "?" "Sir, do you think the tracking dogs are necessary?" "Yes, I think they're necessary!" "Yes, sir, I think they're necessary, too." "A very wise move." "I shall cooperate with you to the fullest, Major Hochstetter." "( clattering )" "Clumsy!" "Here, let me wipe that up for you." "Are you crazy?" "I'm sorry." "That's what you're using to find the girl." "If the dogs lead Hochstetter to the barracks," "Janine goes, and so does our whole operation." "Right." "Now, everything depends on split-second timing." "Newkirk, you've got to have the girl ready at exactly 2:45." "Right, sir." "I shall have her ready at exactly 2:55." "He just said 2:45." "I'm going to need at least ten minutes to make up with her." "Newkirk." "2:50?" "2:45!" "All right, sir." "Kinch, you and Carter are responsible for getting Janine across the compound to Klink's car." "Right." "Okay." "Colonel." "The béarnaise sauce plaster is ready." "Good." "How are we supposed to manage all this if they're bringing in those tracking dogs?" "'Cause they're going to be tracking Klink." "Klink?" "That's right." "He's our red herring with béarnaise sauce." "Isn't he off that phone yet?" "He's still talking to General Burkhalter." "We're running behind schedule." "Wait." "He just finished." "All right, look." "If Hochstetter arrives, try to stall him." "How?" "Tell him Klink is talking to the General Staff." "No, that's no good;" "he'd listen in." "Um, play up to him." "Invite him to the next Joy Through Strength picnic." "I couldn't." "I can't stand that man." "Don't be too harsh on him." "Underneath that black Gestapo uniform beats a warm, sensitive..." "Swastika." "Forget it." "Tell him Himmler wants him to call him, collect." "( phone ringing )" "Office of the commandant." "Major Hochstetter?" "Yes, I'll have him call Reichfuhrer Himmler as soon as he arrives." "Collect." "But, Hogan, I feel perfectly well." "We didn't want to say anything in front of Major Hochstetter, but your eyes look funny." "My eyes?" "Yes, they look glassy." "But that's nonsense." "I feel perfectly well." "And your face-- it's got that same pale green color it had just before you got sick." "It does?" "Mm-hmm." "To tell you the truth, I don't feel so well, and I'm getting warmer." "Am I all right?" "Don't worry, Colonel." "And I wanted so much to attend that meeting." "She's waiting..." "I mean, they're waiting." "LeBeau, I think we caught it just in time." "Quick, Colonel." "What are you doing?" "Well, we've got to go back to your treatment." "Open your shirt, Colonel." "You think that's necessary?" "Would you rather gamble on an all-expense trip to the Russian front by way of a rest camp?" "No, no, no." "Do you think it'll work again?" "This and the bicycle ride." "What bicycle ride?" "That's right." "That's the one thing LeBeau forgot-- fresh air and exercise." "That's why my grandfather lived to be 108." "Uh-huh." "We've got a bicycle right outside." "A couple of times around the camp and you'll be in great shape for the staff meeting." "With a little stop in Mendelburg." "I'm beginning to feel better already." "NEWKIRK:" "All right, now, take it easy." "And keep your head down." "Now, remember, Colonel, twice around the camp." "Yeah, and I suggest you ride that way, sir." "It'll be easier for you." "Why will it be easier?" "The wind'll be at your back." "Oh, that's a wonderful idea." "Better hold him up." "That's it." "Merci." "Move around her, fellas." "There's Hochstetter and his dog act." "( hounds baying )" "Let's hope the béarnaise sauce takes." "( hounds baying )" "LeBeau, you're a big success." "Schultz!" "Ahh!" "( hounds baying )" "Let's go." "Thank you for everything, Colonel." "Especially for the candlelight dinner." "My pleasure but, next time, let's go to your place." "Good luck." "All right, get going." "Bon appétit, little doggies!" "I wish I could see Klink's face." "( barking )" "Schultz!" "Schultz!" "How much does he owe you?" "Well, let's just put it he's going to have to work for me after the war." "I just got word from the British sub." "Janine is aboard and on her way to England." "She sends thanks to all." "That's great." "Did she send me a message?" "A message for you?" "I hate to break your heart, LeBeau but, before she left, we overcame the language barrier." "You know, I almost forgot." "Janine said to tell you that exactly one year after the armistice, she'll meet you under the Eiffel Tower at 1:00 in the afternoon." "She'll be wearing a pink cotton dress, and you should wear a carnation in your lapel." "Are you kidding?" "Boy, am I kidding." "Colonel Klink." "Welcome back, sir." "How do you feel?" "The Fuhrer should feel so good." "Staff meeting went well?" "Yes." "And, uh, Mendelburg?" "Hogan, to tell you the truth," "I think I've got to stop seeing that barmaid." "Really?" "Yes." "She's getting too serious." "She couldn't keep her hands off me this time." "Well, I can understand that." "It's a shame." "She was such a lovely girl." "Mm-hmm." "Well, that's women for you." "Smashed your monocle and everything, huh?"