"I'm not the problem." "You guys are the problem." "This one-- worst wingman ever." "What are you talking about?" "Whatever." "You guys, married-- you're, like, dead to me." "This guy is like a street sweeper-- he just cleans up any prospects I had and takes them in the bathroom and stuffs them." "Hey, I can lead a horse to the water, but I can't make the water not want to have sex with me, okay?" "I-I need Chuck." "Is he coming?" "What's the plan?" "No, oh, he is definitely coming this weekend." "He bought his tickets." "He posted it on the message board today." "So he's in." "Okay, this... this is it." "Chuck is going to break my dry spell." "You know, he can talk to any girl, any place, any time." "Guy was fearless." "What's up, ladies?" "You want to buy me a drink?" "Do we want to buy you a drink?" "Yeah." "Do you want to buy us a drink?" "No." "I don't have any money." "Anyway..." "Oh, God." "Oh, I just thought of the worst thing." "What?" "Oh, n-nothing." "I don't want you guys..." "It's embarrassing." "No, come on, tell us." "Are you sure you're gonna be cool with this?" "Yeah, tell us." "Okay, you'll never guess what happened." "What?" "I sat... in... gum!" "Oh, my God." "I sat in gum!" "Oh, my God!" "I sat in gum!" "Okay, okay, guys, look..." "I'm a doctor." "It's okay." "I can assure you that is not gum." "No." "It is not gum." "What-what was that?" "That was a scrotum." "Now, would you buy me a drink for my medical advice?" "I guess so, yeah." "Sure." "Yeah." "What are you guys having there?" "Let's see, what do you got?" "He just made it so easy, you know?" "He would come in like a hurricane, and I would just come and clean 'em up, like FEMA." "Chuck needs to come here, and we need to have a full-on debaucherous, nasty Chuck experience." "Let's do it." "Why don't we do a proper cocktail party and a little Monday Night Football?" "As you know, I'm studying mixology..." "Enough with the mixology stuff, Andre." "Yeah, what is with this outfit?" "You look like a Deadwood character at a Justin" "Bieber concert." "You know what, I'm really looking forward to your party." "That's on Monday night?" "Oh, that's great timing." "That's the end of T-Lent." "Wait, Taco, what did you do to Lent?" "Turned it into Taco-Lent." "T-Lent is a seven-day stretch where we give Mother Nature a break from serving us." "I consume nothing natural-- no fruit, no vegetables, no water, not even any booze." "What do you consume?" "Nothing but Slim Jims, Gummy Worms, artificial sweetener packets, expired candy canes and Mexican soda." "Hey, Taco." "She's checking you out." "Mm, no can do." "Women are from nature." "Until next week, it's nothing but blow-up dolls and tube socks." "You can your own fruit taco?" "I've been canning fruit for quite some time." "Technically, it's the oldest profession." "Ugh, Jesus, it stinks in here." "Yeah, yeah, that's fermented pectin from the whole canning process." "Taco, why can't I open these windows?" "No, no, no, all the windows are painted shut." "They haven't opened since I've moved in here." "Okay." "Well, I don't want to spend any more time than I have to, so let's get out of here." "Hello?" "Oh, come in." "That's Nadia, my landlord." "Who is dead in here?" "Ah, that's Andre's cologne." "Look at that-- what are you doing over there?" "You're making drugs over there, eh?" "No, no, that's fruit." "I'm canning fruit." "I never understand anything that you say because you are always high." "Look at you right now." "You're so high." "Look at-- all of you are high!" "Look at me." "Look in my eyes." "Look in my eyes." "There's nothing there." "No, it's, like, dead." "It's like the sky but no clouds, that's what you are like." "This is it, I've had it with you." "You don't pay on time, you bring in all your gay friends." "I want you out;" "you have a week!" "You know, and don't think that you could climb into bed with me and think that that will solve the problem." "No more!" "I wasn't doing that to solve problems." "Get out!" "Oh, well." "Uh, so where were we?" "So cans..." "Wait, wait." "You just got evicted." "Yeah, it's okay." "Sofia told me, if ever I didn't have a place to stay I could go stay with her." "You know Sofia lives with me." "Yeah, sort of." "Okay, let's just get this..." "No, hold on, hold on." "You know what, there's got to be a loophole-- just got to do a little shark Ruxin in here." "You do that in the courtroom?" "In my head." "Aha!" "Painted windows shut, okay?" "According to Cook County Civil Code Section 8, it is illegal to restrict ventilation in a residential property." "I throw that shit at her, you're gonna stay in this apartment as long as you want." "Okay, well, let's get out of this cesspool." "All right." "Okay." "Can I take all these?" "I can't wait to use this stuff at my cocktail party." "Well, I guess I got to pick up one of these cases for Sofia." "God, my hammy!" "Pick up with your legs." "Oh, my hamstring." "Whoa, break time." "A little help, Taco." "Here you go." "This'll help." "Uh... uh..." "Yeah, chew." "This is nice." "Yeah..." "let's just put that back over there." "It's your sweat pants." "Yeah." "It is my sweat pants." "You love them so much." "These sweat pants make my junk feel so good, it feels like two angels are just holding my balls ever so gently while my trunk is just being refreshed by a river of feathers." "It's so nice." "So you're telling me you would rather get a fleece jibber than get it on with your wife?" "To be honest with you, babe, right now I feel great." "Oh, God, we're so boring." "No, we're not." "We have to shake it up." "Shake it up, shake it up, shake it up." "Do you want to get high?" "Huh?" "I don't know, it might be fun to get some weed." "Weed?" "Yes, let's smoke some pot and get high." "Okay." "Yeah?" "I'm in." "I'd like to get high with you." "Let's be that couple." "Yes." "I don't know where to get the weed, though." "Where do we get it?" "Taco." "Taco." "So, you came to visit the doctor." "I did, indeed." "I popped my hamstring when I was picking up that crate at Taco's place, and I've been in serious agony ever since." "So if we could just get a little prescription for a couple of painkillers to get me through the week, I'd be..." "You just want a prescription for painkillers, right?" "That's it, that's it." "Okay." "Let's do that." "Awesome." "Ask you a couple questions first." "What?" "Why?" "You came to the doctor's office, right?" "Got to get your medical history." "Can't just prescribe drugs willy-nilly." "So, date of birth?" "You've been at my birthday every year for the last 20 years." "Okay." "Patient is being hostile." "Are you a smoker?" "No." "How many drinks would you say you have in a week?" "I have, like, one drink a week." "Really?" "One drink a week?" "One drink a week." "All right, do you engage in sexual activity?" "Yep." "With multiple partners?" "Only when your mom and sister are in town." "I'm not gonna write that down." "Have you ever engaged in anal intercourse?" "I refer you to my last answer." "Let me just give you a little brief recap here." "You are a nonsmoker, light drinker who engages in anal intercourse with my mother and sister." "Look, Andre, just, please, I just need a couple of painkillers to get me through the week." "What do you think we're in, Tijuana here, you can just come in, tell me what you want and I'll write you a prescription?" "If we were in Tijuana, Andre, there would be a goddamn monkey in a sombrero blowing a donkey." "Not in a doctor's office." "Dr. Nozick, line one." "Oh, give me a second." "Hey, Crystal." "Brought your..." "Uh, yeah, I'll be right there." "Okay, so if you could just disrobe, I'll come back and continue the examination." "Let's see what you're..." "Oh, couple scrippies." "Well, I guess this examination is done." "Ow, ow." "I can't believe you stole my prescription pad." "Ruxin took some scrippies." "What?" "And then I went and bought a bunch of painkillers with it." "I love Painkiller Ruxin." "He's happy, he's nice." "You've committed a crime." "The only crime I have is that I love you too much." "And prescription drug fraud." "No." "Who cares?" "I could lose my license." "You" " I'll drive you around." "This is good." "Hey." "Chuck!" "Two-Nut Chuck!" "Two-Nut Chuck!" "Two-Nut Chuck!" "Shot, shot, shot." "Oh, n-n-no, got one of these." "Quarters!" "Old school." "That's an idea." "N-N-No, it's a sobriety chip." "What?" "Sober." "I don't drink anymore." "I'm, I'm completely done with alcohol." "You became an alcoholic after you left town?" "No, I became an alcoholic before I left town, and that's the whole reason I left town." "I thought you left because you got a new job." "Yeah, I had to go get a new job because I had pulled my" " balls out and showed my boss and..." " That's awesome." "Sorry." "It was not awesome to her." "This is crazy." "You're not an alcoholic." "An alcoholic is an alcoholic." "There are no levels." "Oh, so you just drink socially now?" "No, come on, we can still have fun, though." "We can still play beer pong." "Cool, right?" "All right, yeah." "Yeah." "Just without the beer." "Oh, but that's just Ping" " Pong." "Yeah, Ping-Pong's for fat kids at summer camp." "These shoes are making my feet sweat." "Hi-yah." "Whoa, sorry." "Hi-yah." "Ruxin." "Chuck, would you sit in gum for me real quick?" "I, I can't sit in gum for you." "Come on, just one more time for old times' sake." "No, I can, I can never sit in gum for anyone anymore, okay?" "Why not?" "If there is any person on this earth that I would sit in gum for, it would be you, but I wouldn't be doing it with my spirit." "I would just be sitting in gum with my body." "That's enough for me" " I just need your body to sit in gum." "No, it's a hollow gesture." "Okay, I got blue gum just thinking about how hard I want to sit in gum for you, but I cannot." "My gum is dead to you, and I hope you understand." "You've got to get the..." "Oh, I-I get it, I got it." "It's in the bathroom." "Don't worry about it." "You don't have... oh." "He's barefoot in the bathroom at Señor Crab's." "I know, I just peed all over the floor in there." "Why would you pee on the floor?" "Everybody does." "Grace told me you wouldn't understand." "She didn't even want me to come here." "Who the hell is Grace?" "She's my fiancée, she is my rock, and she is right there." "I'll be there in a second, I'm sorry." "Hi." "Um, the other one..." "Who is she?" "Yeah, that's her sister, but don't even think about it." "She would not go for your type." "Come on, just do me this one solid." "15 years of friendship, okay?" "You're not going to sit in gum for me, Chuck, so do this one thing." "In lieu of sitting in gum, I will see what I can do with her sister." "Yeah, come on, Chuck." "But you have to promise me that you're gonna be responsible tonight, okay?" "Put down that beer, okay?" "No more, done." "Winners drink water." "Hey, I'm a winner." "I'll see you soon." "Can I, uh, get a pitcher, please?" "I found it." "Okay, we don't need to use that ball." "Why?" "Just take off the TP, it's good as new." "Boop." "That ball has hair." "Oh, I guess it hit puberty." "Let's do this next one." "Oh, that's a point for us." "Don't-- you don't have to drink that." "That's another point for us." "So I called Taco's guy, he's on his way." "Yeah?" "Yeah." "Good, I dropped Ellie off at the slumber party." "She will be there till tomorrow morning." "We're gonna get so baked tonight." "It's gonna be so fun." "It's gonna be awesome." "Did you make anything?" "Like, is there any snacks or...?" "Should I put some food out?" "Should I have made lasagna?" "Lasagna?" "What, is he Garfield?" "That's way too heavy of a meal this time of night." "Well, I don't know what to do." "I've never hosted a drug dealer before." "Well, neither have I." "Hey, man." "We gonna do this or what?" "Whoa, what kind of weed is that?" "That's not weed, it's coke." "I-I ordered weed." "You ordered a DVD." "I wanted weed." "No, weed's a VHS." "Well, then, I ordered a VHS." "Did you read the menu?" "It's a little confusing-- the menu." "It's not confusing." "VHS is weed, DVD is coke, Beta is crank." "I really would prefer that you just took back the DVD and, and brought a VHS." "No, I didn't bring the VHS." "Well, I don't have a DVD player." "It's a one-way trip." "I came all the way out here." "I'm not leaving without $500." "So how do you want to...?" "$500?" "That's how much a DVD is." "$500?" "VHS is a lot less." "You want to spend a lot less?" "Well, we're not spending anything." "I'm not giving you $500." "I'm leaving here with your $500, either with the coke or without the coke." "You want to keep it, fine, I don't really care, but I'm leaving here with 500 of your dollars." "You understand?" "Oh, fine, all right." "$500." "Oh, come on, don't do the..." "Shh." "He's doing the whole thing." "Just..." "Just-- babe..." "That's it?" "I just take off?" "No cheese plate, no crackers, nothing?" "She was going to make a lasagna." "I was going to make a lasagna." "Oh, come on, lasagna, this time of night." "Pull it together." "Come on, lady." "Have a good night." "Okay." "Thank you so much." "Thank you so much for stopping by, and please never come back." "Oh, my God, do you see how much cocaine is there?" "Hey, Chuck, what's going on?" "I think you have a drinking problem." "I-I can't say I'm surprised." "I had a feeling you might say this, but honestly, Chuck, I think you have a sobriety problem." "What is a sobriety problem?" "Well, uh, we're gonna talk about it." "There are some people here who would like to talk to you." "This is all from a place of love." "Here's a beer for you." "Thank you for my beer." "How's your beer?" "Delicious." "Andre, your Pinot Grigio?" "It's actually a Pinot Blanc, but, you know, I'm not complaining." "Anyhow, as you can see, there's a beer, there is a beer, there is a white wine, and there is water." "What is going on here?" "Welcome to your reverse intervention, Chuck." "Reverse intervention?" "Yeah." "Your sobriety is causing a rift amongst your friends and the people who love you, and quite frankly I need a good wingman." "You're the best wingman that ever was when you're drinking, of course." "Okay, so you want me to drink so you can pick up girls?" "Yes." "Yeah." "No, it's bigger than that." "Look, as you know, I'm doing the Monday Night Football mixology party." "It's gonna be a lot of fun and I'd love for you to come." "But if you did come and you weren't drinking, would that make everyone else feel awkward and then would it become a reflection on me?" "You know what?" "Just drink this because we love you." "Do it." "No, I'm not going to drink any alcohol." "Pound it." "I think what we need to do is show you an example." "Okay, Kevin, show him how you feel right now before this beer comes over." "Okay, now go ahead and drink this." "You see what happens there, Chuck?" "Do you understand that if I have even one sip, I keep going until I do something I regret?" "Like sit in gum, a-and I cannot ever sit in gum again." "Don't you ever say that!" "Ever!" "Look, I think we might be having a little breakthrough here, guys." "Maybe you're just addicted to showing your junk." "Yes." "Right?" "You don't need to go to AA, you need to go to JA." "Junk Anonymous." "Yeah." "You don't understand." "Yeah, I go from zero to gum in, like, that." "You know what?" "If you come to my party, you can take out your junk, you can not take out your junk, no joke." "Andre, stop with the mixology." "Come on." "You..." "What?" "What?" "Now you're being unreasonable." "You can even text me up until the hour before." "I just need a little bit of notice." "So, where is this big-time lawyer you talk about, huh?" "He's coming." "Oh." "He's just a little bit late." "We'll see about that, won't we?" "Since we have a little bit of time, you want to...?" "No, my legs are closed to you." "Fine." "You know Chinese kids will let you play kickball with them." "Hi, Ruxin." "This is your lawyer?" "This is my lawyer." "What...?" "What's up, Taco?" "!" "What?" "Hey, look, my landlord-- you remember my landlord?" "What is this, a joke, him with his...?" "Hey!" "I am not joking..." "about how good this corn dog is." "Ruxin?" "Can I talk to you for a second?" "Just one..." "What's wrong with you?" "I need you to be the lawyer guy you were before." "I am your lawyer." "No." "Hey, snap out..." "I didn't feel that." "I don't feel that." "Are you on painkillers again?" "Uh!" "Oh, man, none of my friends can handle drugs." "Look, I need you to be sharp, Ruxin." "Sharp, Ruxin." "The window stuff." "Back me up, Taco." "Uh..." "All right, all right." "That-That-That's enough." "All right, that's enough then." "You have 24 hours to get your stuff out of here, all right?" "What?" "You-- my apartment, number five." "Let's do this!" "Ruxin, you got me kicked out!" "What's the big deal?" "You come live with me and Sofia." "Gee." "Techno beat." "Techno..." "Corn dog, corn dog, corn dog, corn dog, corn dog, corn dog, corn dog..." "How long we gonna do this?" "!" "Welcome to Andre Capone's." "The first drink is for you." "No, let's name the first one after Andre, the host." "Very well." "Lay it on me." "The Poser's Demise." "Little bit of gin." "Muddled fashion sense." "Topped off with long bouts of celibacy." "All right, do you guys want drinks or not?" "Yes." "Yes." "Sorry." "Good." "It's a five-stop drink." "Now..." "Five steps?" "You have to wait for it, because what happens is, we're making the drink on every single level." "The fruit, the alcohol-- it all combines..." "Okay." "What are you doing?" "You can't..." "You're separating the stations." "Gin and tonic?" "Sure." "Ruxin, what do you want?" "Yes, have some." "You need to be using a jigger." "Hey, I know it's the 1920s, but you still got to whisper that word." "Now, while you may be fast, my muddling is going to be much more rewarding to your palette." "Yo." "Cheers, guys." "Cheers, guys." "Cheers." "Andre, where's your drink?" "It's almost done." "Oh." "Hey, come here, come here." "You can't be drinking on painkillers." "Andre, will you please leave him alone?" "P.K. Ruxin is great." "Are you not enjoying this?" "He's beautiful!" "Okay, you know what?" "Live your life..." "Just put this here till Taco comes." "Do whatever you want to do." "Somewhere there's a riverboat missing a casino dealer." "Okay, just live your life." "I don't care." "Hey." "Chuck." "Chuck...!" "Hey." "How you doing?" "Welcome to Andre Capone's, the best speakeasy this side of Chicago." "Even though we normally serve alcohol, we got a non-alcoholic beverage right here in the crapper." "Don't you mean hopper?" "Hopper." "I'll be right back." "Thank you." "So, Chuck, where are the girls?" "Grace and Jade are gonna come by a little bit later, 'cause I wanted to talk to you guys first." "My strainer, and it is." "Ooh." "Confectionery sugar." "We don't have this." "I can't change you any more than you can make me sit in gum." "You're gonna sit in gum?" "No, no, no, no, I am not gonna sit in gum." "Are you nuts?" "It might get hot, bro." "All right, fair enough, Chuck, fair enough." "It's good to see you back." "It's good to be back." "Drinks are served." "The tall glasses are for the high spirits, the low glass is for the no spirits." "And a toast." "To the league." "To the league." "All right." "Mmm." "Good." "Delicious." "Those are actually Taco's own marinated fruits." "Staying clean never tasted so great." "Barkeep, I'll have another." "Yeah!" "Who wants a drink?" "I'll take one right here." "I want a drink, I want a drink, I want a drink, I want a drink!" "Let me get another drink." "Oh, my God, these drinks are making my breath taste so delicious." "Did I get you?" "Did I get you?" "No, no." "Oh, Jesus, Taco, you look horrible." "Hey, guys." "What is wrong with you?" "What are you doing?" "Haven't had anything natural in two weeks." "Hey, I got to talk to you for a second." "Put your stuff down." "Come here." "Put it down." "I have to get to the kitchen." "When is Flannagan, the drug dealer...?" "Flannagan?" "Who wants drinks?" "I don't know." "Why do I need to know when Flannagan's coming?" "I'll take a drink." "Because I got to get rid of this coke." "I put the coke in the top drawer over there, and now, you know, I got to get rid of it." "You what?" "!" "I got to sell it back to him." "If you put the coke in the top drawer, whose cocaine is that?" "Huh?" "I'm making the drinks." "I'm faster than I've ever been before." "Oh." "Oh, God, that's cocaine!" "He's been doing cocaine." "He's got to take it out of our noses and our mouths." "Guys, why is my face on fire?" "'Cause Andre's been giving us co-laced drinks all night." "I'm like the drummer in Def Leppard, but I have both arms." "That's why we're all jacked up-- we're on cocaine?" "No, no, no, no, no, I'm on Aspartame, sucralose and hairspray." "But Chuck-- are you telling me right now that Chuck is on cocaine?" "Oh, shit, yes!" "Oh, shit, I got to get out of here." "You look great." "You look great." "You look great..." "I think he's gonna have a heart attack." "Emergency!" "Coming through." "Talk about freaking out." "I'm freaking out." "Calm down." "I'm gonna talk you through this, okay?" "Okay, okay." "You're probably gonna have a heart attack." "No, no, no, no, no." "Don't worry." "Don't worry." "When you die, I'm gonna take care of everything, brother." "No!" "Bad!" "I'm gonna raise Ellie for you, I'm gonna have sex with Jenny." "I promise you, I promise you..." "Don't you dare!" "...I am not gonna wear a condom." "Oh, God, please!" "You know what you need?" "What?" "What?" "What?" "You're gonna be okay." "Okay." "Yeah, I feel better." "Let's do push-ups, come on." "Push-ups." "Down, down and up, down and up, down and up..." "What the queer is going on here?" "Oh look it's the drug dealer." " We exchange the coke or not?" " Yes." "We're here to exchange the coke but oh shit, we did it all." "Uh that's not good." "Two nut Chuck is back and he wants some coke." "YEEEEAH." "Yo give us a go." "Give us a go." "You want a DVD?" "***" "You want a DVR that's pharmaceutical great stuff what do you want?" " Do you have BluRays?" " I do have BluRays but that's oxycodone." "It's so confusing." "I just want to get wasted." "Hey, okay." "What do you want?" "I just want to order some peanut butter cause" "Ruxin's about to get gum in his head." " YEEEAH." " YEEEAH." "Charles?" "I sat in gum." "I sat in gum." "Charles?" "What the hell is going on?" "Grace." "Feels like I'm wearing a tiny hat."