"SHOSHAN NA:" "This is, like, the most SATC." "(STUPID GRIN PLAYING)" "Do I know this melancholy person?" "Tally Schifrin?" "She was in all my writing classes." "I used to complain about what an awful writer and human she was." "I mean, we're basically nemeses." "Oh, my God." "This is so sad." "Her boyfriend killed himself on purpose by crashing a vintage car while on Percocet." "I know." "She's so lucky." "You know, I can't look at this." "She is passive-aggressive." "She's fake." "She's not talented." "All she used to write about were her sexual escapades, and then she got into a monogamous relationship." "And so I thought she'd reveal her true boring nature and start writing travelogues or something, but, no, her boyfriend up and killed himself." "Your boyfriend should kill himself." "You deserve it." "Well, thank you." "But you're just saying that because you love me." "TALLY:" "Hannah!" "Hannah!" "Be right back." "MAN:" "Sir, would you like one?" "She's, like, painfully pretty." " Hi." " Hannah!" " Thank you so much for coming." " No, yeah, of course." "I mean, I could never miss this." "It's such a huge deal to finish a book." " I just want to celebrate." " Thank you." "It doesn't even matter what's in the book." "Well, I wish that it had been more of a labor, actually, yeah, because it just really poured out of me." "Oh, wow." "You know, someone like you, you're always really sweating it, you know?" "You're really working at it, and I really admire that effort to do something that is not, maybe, the most natural to you." " SERVER:" "Puff pastry?" " You mean 'cause it just poured out of you." " Thank you." " It was like a..." "Like I was just..." "Like I just water-birthed my truth." " You know?" " Sorry." " (LAUGHS) It's okay." " Usually I eat anything," " but that was cold and does not taste good." " Oh, God." "I know." "And now it's kind of like, "What?"" "You know, this party is insane and I'm just kind of embarrassed by it." "It's amazing." "I'm having such a good time." " Good." " I'm gonna have to leave soon." "Oh, no. (LAUGHS)" " Are you still writing?" " I am still writing." "Yeah, actually." " Do you have an agent?" " I don't have an agent." "No, I mean, I have a boyfriend." "He lives in Prospect Heights." "He's alive and well there, so..." "Well, that's really great." "Hopefully he's hetero." "(TALLY LAUGHS)" "You know what?" "There's a New York Magazine editor who is totally stalking me, and if I don't say hello, she's gonna go crazy." "Also, I completely have to poop." "WOMAN:" "Congratulations, Tally." "(ROMAN PLAYING)" "Oh, my God!" "If I was still in my experimental phase," "I would just rip off your dress right here and just get into it!" "Then people would definitely write about the party. (LAUGHS)" " TALLY:" "I think they still are." " They still are." " Hi." " What is wrong with her?" "I like her." "She doesn't indulge the negativity." "I mean, did you hear her on Fresh Air?" "The first part." "I fell asleep." "Isn't that, um..." " Here we are." " HANNAH:" "That's Powell Goldman." "My old writing teacher." " Yeah, you were obsessed with him." " I wasn't obsessed with him." "You were obsessed with him." "He was an amazing teacher." "He read my thesis and he gave me these complex, brilliant, thoughtful notes" " that were just..." " Hannah." "Oh, my God, go say hi." "Go." " Professor Goldman." " No, please." "Powell." "I didn't like that even when it was appropriate." " Sorry." " It's all right." " I haven't seen you since..." " It's probably since I've graduated, so I was sobbing." "I apologize." "I still remember that essay you wrote, the one about being grounded for wearing shorts." "I read your new novel, by the way." "I loved it." "There was that amazing Times review and I wanted to write you an e-mail, but I bet you're probably getting enough of those e-mails, so..." "Hot tip, Hannah." "No one's ever getting enough of those kind of e-mails." "Except for maybe Tally." "I want to be so skinny that people are like," ""Do you have a disease?" "Are you gonna die?"" "Yeah." "I know this probably seems like a really big deal, but Tally is a shitty writer." "Thank you." "And you're a good writer." "Thank you." "As a matter of fact, I've been putting together a weekly reading at Salmagundi Art Club." "It's very casual." "It's tomorrow night." "I think you should come read something." "Oh, I don't think so." "Okay." "I know a reading probably sounds very archaic to you, but it always helps me to hear my stuff read aloud." "No, I know it's a good thing to do, it's just not really, like, a very "me" thing to do." "Well, give me an example of what a "Hannah" thing to do would be." " (ADAM SNORING) - (POLICE SIREN BLARING)" "MARNIE:" "So you didn't sleep at all last night?" "No, I lay awake all night thinking about how I was such a freakish bitch about Tally at her book party." "I mean, I actually tried to trip her at one point." "You know, and then I realized, "Of course I'm not mad at her." " "I'm mad at me."" " What for?" "For the fact that my entire life has been one ridiculous mistake after another." "I mean, did I ever tell you, Marnie, that I went to the stupidest, stupidest summer camp?" " No." " Well, I did." "You know?" "I don't even know what we did there, because we never put on shows." "We never took hikes." "I mean, you could sign up to water-ski, but I never signed up to water-ski and now I'll probably never water-ski." "What does this have to do with Tally Schifrin?" "It has to do with the fact that Tally Schifrin took chances." "She wore lipstick to class." "She did everything right, including get her boyfriend to kill himself." "So I'm gonna take a chance and I'm gonna put myself out there and I am going to do the reading." "(DOOR OPENS)" "(ADAM B EATBOXI N G)" "(SIGHS)" "(RESUMES BEATBOXING)" "(DOOR CLOSES)" "(DOOR OPENS)" "All right." "Don't come in for, like, 10 minutes." "(RESUMES BEATBOXING)" "Did you give him a key to our apartment?" "He's using mine." "(ONE CHANCE PLAYING)" "Powell Goldman seemed really focused on you last night." " It's a thing." " Like, in a mentor way." "I mean, it's not like he wants to sleep with me." "To be totally honest, I think he's the kind of guy" "I've always pictured you being with." "Marnie, he wouldn't." "Tally tried..." " (GLASS SHATTERS)" " ADAM:" "Oh, fuck!" "I think I'm gonna read the story about Phil the hoarder." "Oh." "That one?" "Yeah, that one." "I just e-mailed it to Powell." "Why did you say it like that'?" " Like what?" " Like you don't like it." "Um, I don't know." "I mean, it's just a little bit, like, whiney." "You know what I mean?" "Like, if he was that rude and it smelled that bad, couldn't you just leave?" "You know, you could be a little more supportive." "Wait, are you..." "Are you kidding?" "No, I'm not kidding." "Hannah, I support you, literally." "Do you have any idea how much money you owe me at this point?" "Of course I do, and that's why I took a trial shift at Grumpy's." "So soon I'll be able to start paying you back." "I'm sure you will." "Thank you." "Okay?" "Thank you." "You're welcome." "We were there last night at the center of everything." " Can you believe it?" " Yeah." "I can, actually." "The paragraph that I read in Tally's book really made me think." "Really?" "I should read that paragraph." ""None of us know how much time we have left."" "Mmm, actually, I do." "Because when I was three years old, my mother's psychic, Demetri, she picked me up, kissed me on my bottom, and told me I was going to live until 105." "Oh." "Okay, well, I don't know how much time I have left, so, like, I have to start living, you know?" "I did something kind of crazy." "I made an Internet dating profile." "Okay, I know it sounds kind of nuts, but my nutrition teacher, who's, like, so cool, and they're, like, the most happy together. and ugly people do Match, and I got this message from this, like, kind of great-sounding guy." "His name is Brice, which, like, hello." "Good name." "He works in product development, which is, like, perfect for me because I love products, and he's Jewish." " He is Jewish." " So he likes movies and food." "We're going on a walk this afternoon to a couple of galleries." "We're starting in a public place, 'cause I know you're supposed to do that in case they try and rape you." "Right." "So I'm meeting him at the café at the Old Navy flagship store." "I'm going on a day date." "What are you planning this afternoon?" "I need to make some changes." "So I'm thinking of starting with our home." "Oh, like, without me?" "Yeah, okay." "That's fine." "That's totally fine." "(PANTING)" "Hey, little face." "Okay, so I changed my mind about this reading tonight, and I'm going to do it, so you wanna come?" "No." "Okay, I mean, it'll just be, like, us making fun of people." " It's not gonna be..." " Sorry, kid." "Readings are bullshit." "I've never been to a reading where I didn't want to strangle the fucking person reading." "Plus, they have those stupid fucking little crackers that are supposed to be cookies, but are supposed to be crackers." "There's no fucking meat." "If it had fucking meat, I would eat that shit, but there's nothing." "Plus everyone's drunk and act like what they have to say is somehow still valid." "And I actually totally agree with you." "Then why do it?" "You know, because sometimes you want to, like, get to someplace new, you have to change the way you're doing things." "Someplace new?" "Where do you want to be?" "Can you sit on my back?" " Just right here or..." " Like I showed you." " Okay." " Here, let me get down." " Oh, fucker!" "(GRUNTS)" " Sorry." "(HONG KONG GARDEN PLAYING)" "(KNOCKING ON DOOR)" "Come in." "(DOOR OPENS)" "(DOOR CLOSES)" "Hi." "Katherine." "(CHUCKLING) This is a strange situation." "But now, now that I've had a chance to process my emotion," "I can just say fuck Jeff and his penis." "You know'?" "I need you and my girls need you." "Jessa, I want you to come back." "Morning, Ray." " I am really excited..." " Did you bring other clothes with you?" " No." " You have to go home and change." "Is there, like, a dress code that I didn't know about or is..." "Hannah, you're wearing a white dress." "Okay?" "You're essentially begging the world to fuck with you." "Do you understand that?" "You're daring a homeless person to wipe their blood on your breasts." "Well, we wear aprons, don't we?" "This isn't a consumptive women's hospital." "We don't wear aprons." "No." "Okay?" "Forget all the BBC you watch at home with your cats and pick out an appropriate outfit." "And don't do some shit where you come back wearing gray flannel sweatpants and a Taylor Swift T-shirt to be a dick." "Okay?" "I know all the dick moves." "Don't be a dick." "Okay?" "Just a nice..." "A nice cute top." " "A cute top"?" " Yeah, a cute top." "Stop by at American Apparel if you have to." "And get a slim leg." "Jeans with a slim leg." " Okay." " I want you back in an hour." "Slim leg." "Okay?" "Slim leg." "I've been having a lot of dreams about you." " Really?" " Mmm-hmm." "Like, what kind?" "Ones where I stab you over and over again." "Is there, like, just blood gushing?" "Yes." "I remember I try to cut your body into as many little pieces as I can and then I start to eat you." "I start to eat your body." "And then across the room, all of a sudden, my daughters are there." "They're playing Chinesejump rope." "My mother is breast-feeding Jeff." "They all turn to look at me and then I shit you out." "Oh." "But not all of you." "And so I think this means I'm still holding onto some anger." " Yeah." " (SIGHS)" "On the other hand, I wanted to thank you." "'Cause I think you made me see some things about my marriage that I'd been ignoring." "And you stopped the situation before anything happened, so..." "Does..." "Nothing did happen, right?" "No." "I was..." "I was only attracted to him for, like, several minutes when I first met him." "But I'm attracted to everyone when I first meet them, and then it wore off." "It always wears off." "You should try sustaining that for 15 years. (CH UCKLES)" "So you remember I have this reading later, okay?" " So I have to leave early?" " Mmm-hmm." " What's your poem about?" " It's not a poem." "It's an essay." " And it's about me." " Ooh, shocker." "Well, I write personal essays, so they kind of have to be about me." "And this one is about this time in college when I had a crush on this guy." "Turns out he's a hoarder." "So I slept in his dorm room on top of a pile of collapsed Chinese food boxes, like, a semester's worth." "I don't know if that sounds really trivial to you." "It's definitely supposed to be funny." "It's not supposed to be super serious, but it's also supposed to take on bigger issues, like fear of intimacy..." "What in the world could be more trivial than intimacy?" "Hmm?" "Is there anything real you can write about?" "What do you think would be a real thing to write about?" "I don't know." "Lots of things." "Cultural criticism." "How about years of neglected abuse?" "How about acid rain?" "How about the plight of the giant panda bear?" "How about racial profiling?" "How about urban sprawl?" "How about divorce?" "How about death?" "How about death?" "Death is the most fucking real." "You should write about death." "That's what you should write about." "Explore that." "Death." "Um, Katherine, I..." "I can't come back to work for you." "You know that." "I do." "This is so crazy." "I feel like I want to help you, like I want to be your mother, which is insane, 'cause there's no way I could be your mother. (LAUGHS)" "Babies having babies." "But I don't need your help." "Fuck it." "I'm just gonna say this." "I bet you get into these dramas all the time, like with Jeff and me, where you cause all this trouble and you've no idea why." "In my opinion, you're doing it to distract yourself from becoming the person you're meant to be." "Which is who?" "You tell me." "She might not look like what you pictured when you were age 16." "Her job might not be cool." "Her hair might not be flowing like a mermaid." "And she might really be serious about something." "Or someone." "And she might be a lot happier than you are right now." "WOMAN: "it was a sight to make you cringe, to make you question your own moral fiber"" ""and fear for your own shameful truth." "I covered my eyes..."" " Hey." " Hi." " You made it." " Yeah, sorry." "I would have written you off, but then I remembered your style, showing up about 10 minutes late and then apologizing so much I couldn't fault you." " I'm really sorry." " There you go." "WOMAN: "And that's when Eli realized"," ""'Maybe everyone in this town is just looking for a bathroom." ""'In fact, ' he thought," ""'maybe everyone in this whole damn world is."'" "Thank you." "Hi." "Lam Hannah Horvath." "I don't know if we're supposed to say our names, but I did, so you can all deal with it." "Um, I was gonna read an essay that I wrote about a guy who I knew in college who I had a crush on and then he turned out to be a hoarder." "Which he didn't look like a hoarder, but he was, in fact, a hoarder." "But I re-read the essay this morning and it actually seemed really stupid, so I wrote something new on the subway on the way here, which makes it sound like I didn't put a lot of work into it," "but I did because we were stopped at Canal Street for a very long time." "Okay." ""I met Igor online in a chat room for fans of an obscure punk band"" ""my vegan friend, Marina, liked."" ""Igor's screen name was PyrooO0,"" ""which belied a level of articulation unusual for an Internet boyfriend."" ""So he became my Internet boyfriend for six blissful months,"" ""until his friend lM'd me to say that he had died."" ""Died."" " I really enjoyed your piece, Sarah." " Thank you so much." "Your granddad is both a renegade and a gentleman." " I am so glad that came through." " Absolutely." "WOMAN:" "Ah, excuse me." "I just want to thank you." "I really liked your piece." "Oh, thank you." " Yeah, but I have a question." " Mmm-hmm?" "You know the man who's on To Catch a Predator?" "Well, occasionally, he baits people who call in, people who are lonely or autistic." "You know, they only go on the Internet for company or to learn something." "I think that's very wrong and nobody talks about it." "That's not really a question." "I think it is." "Henry!" " Hey." " Hi." "That was interesting." "No, it wasn't." "Well, to be honest, it didn't really come together for me." "Which makes sense, considering I heard a rumor that you wrote it on the subway." " I shouldn't have done the reading." " No." "What you should have done was read that hysterical piece you sent me, the one about the guy with the room full of garbage." "That was great." "Why didn't you read that one?" "Because it was trivial, and now I seem trivial even more so." "So..." "Thank you." "I'm really sorry, okay?" " Bye, Powell." " Hey." "Hannah." "Wait, so you actually bought Tally Schifrin's book?" "It was a book party, so I bought the book." "Well, you don't like it, do you?" "She's a really good writer." "You know?" "She captures something really true about the uncertainty of being our age." "I cried twice." "Well, are you getting your period?" "You know, I'm not." "So..." "What are you doing?" "Just throwing out some old clothing I've been wanting to get rid of for a long time." "Maybe you should give it to charity." "I don't think poor people need to wear my shitty old stuff" " on top of everything else." " Well, I love that dress." " This one'?" " Yeah, I love it." " Really?" " Don't throw that away, it's great." "You can have it." "I don't know what size it is, though." "Might be tight." "Okay." "Marnie, I did the stupidest thing at that reading." "I'm kind of doing this right now." " Could we talk about it later?" " All right, yeah." " Are you mad at me?" " No, Hannah, not at all." "'Cause you kind of seem mad at me." "I pay all the bills in this apartment." "Does that not give me, like, one night off from talking about you and your problems?" "Okay." "Wow." "As it happens, I'm not always in the mood to talk about you." "Okay." "Wow." "You know, I didn't even want to go into this, but you pushed me like you push everyone about everything!" " I push everyone'?" " Why do you always eat my yogurt?" "Don't look at me like I just said something awful because I really didn't." " Oh, my God." " You think we only talk about my problems?" " Why do you think that?" " Because we do." "That's not true, Marnie." "We only talk about your problems." "It has always been that way." "Seriously." "We talk about what's right with Charlie, then we start talking about what's wrong with Charlie." "Now we talk about how you're never gonna meet someone." "'Cause it's like you think meeting a guy is the main point of life, so we have to have, like, a summit every day to make a game plan." "Okay, you just flipped this around in a really crazy way." "I am the one that has the right to be mad here, okay?" "I'm taking a very brave chance discussing my feelings." "Well, you should maybe bring things up while they're actually happening, and then we could avoid these overwrought conversations." "Okay, then I don't want to talk about it anymore." " Well, I do." " Well, now I don't." " Well, now I need closure, okay?" " You are so selfish." "This is why you have no friends from preschool." "I have a lot of friends from preschool." "I'm just not speaking to them right now." "No, but you judge everyone, and yet you ask them not to judge you." "That is because no one could ever hate me as much as I hate myself, okay?" "So any mean thing someone's gonna think of to say about me," "I've already said to me, about me, probably in the last half hour!" "That is bullshit, because I could literally think of a million mean things that have never once occurred to you." "Oh, yeah?" "Like what?" "Well, I wouldn't do that." "Seriously, say one." " Honestly, Marnie, you are so obsessed..." " Oh, my God." "...with success and who's who, and what they have, and how they got it." "Like, I was looking at Tally Schifrin the other night and I thought you probably wish she was your best friend." "It's pretty transparent." "So you can tell everyone to tune in and hear your best friend on Fresh Air." "I like being around people who know what they want." "People like you?" "'Cause what do you want besides a boyfriend with a luxury rental?" "Seriously, that's where your priorities are." "You have always been this way and now it is worse." "No, you know what?" "You are worse." "I can't take you anymore." "You think that everyone in the world is out to humiliate you." "You're like a big, ugly fucking wound!" "Adam says you are teetering on the edge of psychotic misery, but you're smiling so wide that no one can tell." " You are the wound." " I am not the wound." " You are the wound." " You're the wound." " You're the wound!" " You are the wound!" "Stop saying that." "I am not a wound." " You are a wound." " Maybe we're over-analyzing this and the issue is just that I've got a boyfriend and you don't and it's as simple as that." "That's awesome." "That is a really, really mature way to deal with your fucking feelings!" "I would back the fuck off if I were you!" "Oh, I'm fucking terrified." "Seriously." "I mean, I'm not, but I probably should be, considering you've been batshit crazy ever since Charlie broke up with you." "Yeah?" "Well, you've been crazy since before I even met you." "You've been crazy since middle school when you had to masturbate eight times a night to "stave off' diseases of the mind and body."" "Okay, that is my most shameful, painful, private secret, okay?" "And it might sound like a joke, but it is not fucking funny to me!" "And that is why I told you not to tell anyone!" "I didn't tell anyone!" "I would never do that!" "I am just telling you now!" "I would never tell anyone that!" "I am a good fucking friend!" "Unlike you!" "You are a bad friend!" "Maybe that's not what's important to me right now." "I don't really give a shit about being a good friend." "I have bigger concerns." "(SIGHS)" "You know what?" "Thank you." "That is all I needed to hear." "I'm done." "What is that supposed to mean?" "I do not want to live here anymore, not with you." "Yeah, well, I don't want to live with you anymore, either, and I am not just saying that because you said it." "I was thinking it, but I did not want to say it because I am a good friend and you are a bad friend!" " Fine!" " Great!" " Awesome!" " Very good!" "(LOVE IS WON PLAYING)"