"You know Father Cavanagh, and this is Father Brian Eno." " Ted!" " One second." "He's gonna jump!" "k evin!" "What's going on, for goodness' sake?" " I can't go on!" " Don't be silly, k evin!" "It's pointless!" "What did I become a priest for anyway?" "What an utterly useless waste of time." "I'd have been of more use sweeping roads." "Listen to him!" "It's fabulous being a priest!" "Think of the comfort you bring to the sick!" "They can't get enough of it!" "And what about your friends?" "Father Alan, for instance!" "I've never met him before." "All right." "Anyone know him?" "(All) No, no." "Oh, right." "I'm your friend, k evin!" " Really?" " You better believe it!" "Now, stop that nonsense and come on." "Ok..." "I'm coming in." "(All cheer)" "Aaahhh!" "Well caught, Ted!" "(American accent) Who's the silver-haired priest?" " That's Father Ted Crilly." " Crilly, huh?" "Thank you." "And who are you?" "What the...?" "Sorry, I went over there." "What did you say?" " Who are you?" " My name's Cagney." "Buzz Cagney." "I think I might have a proposition for this Father Ted Crilly." " Oh, yes..." " There you go." "I'm sorry, Father, I..." "I don't know what came over me." "I get a bit depressed sometimes." "Don't mention it." "Hate to bring this up now but..." "That 20 quid you owe me..." "Do you remember?" "If you have it." "(Bell tolls)" "And Harrison Ford jumps off, and as he's falling fires up the plane." "Wow!" "That sounds great!" " I'm going again this weekend." " Brilliant!" "Oh, Mrs Doyle, when you go home, Father k evin will be there." "He's staying until this depression or whatever it is lifts." "So..." "Oh, right." "So, don't depress him?" "Yes, stay away from war and death and that whole Mirror pension fund area." "All right." "I'll stick to things like... puppies and cushions." "Puppies and cushions." "I'm in a better mood already." "Father, that sermon today..." "Frankly, it bored the arse off me." "Well, Eugene, I'm not here to entertain you." "If you want that type of thing, go and see Jean-Michel Jarre." "What the hell was it about anyway?" " Well, it was..." " Ah, Jesus!" "What was my sermon about, Dougal?" "Do you remember?" "Sorry, Ted." "I was concentrating too hard on looking holy." "To be honest, I couldn't give a toss." "This is much more fun than killing yourself, isn't it, k evin?" " Suppose." " Come on, k evin, cheer up." "That's me and Dougal's job now." "We're in the Smile Brigade." "Not the fire brigade, the Smile Brigade!" "We're going to keep you happy and cheery until you can go to the bank." " Go to the bank?" " Go home." "I meant go home." " I'll have your money on Monday." " It was a slip of the tongue." "I don't even remember how much it was." " It was a tenner." " Twenty!" "Twenty." "I'm sorry, but let's nip that in the bud now." "It was twenty." "I'm sorry, but it was twenty." "Anyway, you're gonna stay here until you cheer up." "Things are gonna happen for you now, I can feel it." "Oh, nice move, k ev." "Actually, k evin... you've landed on a snake there." "You have to go, er, go down." "What's wrong with you?" "There's nothing wrong." "Are you all right, k evin?" "Yeah, yeah..." "I'm all right..." "Your go again." "Oh, good." "Five. (Chuckles )" "(Sobs )" "Another snake." "(Laughing)" "Your go, Dougal." "Hooray!" "If he keeps landing on snakes, then I'm going to win for sure." "You're very near a snake." "As long as you don't get a one." "You're all right." "It's...a six." "No, it isn't, Ted." "It's a one!" "I don't think it is, Dougal." "It is, Ted!" "It's a one!" "Look!" "He's going to snaketown!" "Wheeeee!" "Ah, come on, k evin!" "Oh, wait, no." "It is a six." "(Doorbell) k evin!" "Tell you what..." "We'll leave it at 15 quid!" " Father?" " Mm?" "A visitor, Father." "Father Crilly, hello." "Hello." "My name is Father Buzz Cagney." "I was at the conference." "I was hoping we could have a chat." "I think you might be interested in a little proposition." "Then I was in Utah." "Not a good Catholic market." "Mormon country." "Out there a guy can have five, ten wives." "That's a lot of action." "Action, yeah..." "Hard to compete with that." "Then I was in Reno..." "Reno?" "Isn't that very like Wicklow?" "I did a Mass in Wicklow once." "Very rough crowd." "You have to do a good sermon or they'll hop all over you." " Where are you now?" " I'm in Beverly Hills." "Bruberly Huls?" "Oh, wow!" "Good God." "You really landed on your feet there." "Tell me, is it really as false and artificial as everyone says it is?" "Yes." "I'd love that." " You do meet a lot of celebrities." " Yeah?" "Like who?" " k evin Spacey, he's nice." " Don't know him." "What about Val kilmer?" "I believe he's a complete bastard." "Did you ever think of going out there yourself?" "I usually go on holidays with my curate." "He can't take the sun too well." "Who are you?" "What are you talking about?" "This is Father Buzz Cagney." "He's just on a short visit." " He's from America." " America?" "We were just talking about that kurt Cobain." "He was from America." "Imagine blowing your head off with a shotgun!" "God, how did he manage to survive that?" "!" "Er...he didn't." "He died." "Oh, right." "You go to bed." "I'll be up in a minute." "All right." "Good night, lads!" "You'll be up in a minute?" "Yes, we sleep together." "Anyway, who else do you know?" "Hello!" "Father, are you looking forward to your lunch tomorrow?" "Well..." "Yes, I suppose so." "I think you'll enjoy it." "You do like pheasant, don't you?" "Pheasant?" "God, I love pheasant!" "Well, that's a little clue." "The thing you'll be eating likes pheasant as well!" "Mrs Doyle, you're not going to cut his nails now, are you?" "I have to, Father." "He's been worrying the armrests again." "Oh, all right." "Buzz, just slip this on." "Anyway, you were saying?" "Yeah, I was curious, how much money did this parish bring in last year?" "How much money?" "God, I don't know." "(Smash)" "Another bloody window gone." "I suppose we take in about £150." "Maybe £200." "Ow!" "Mrs Doyle!" "Aim into the wall, please." "£200, huh?" "What's that?" "Not even $400." "You know what I'd do with $400?" "I'd wipe my ass with $400." "Good God." "Can that still be used as legal tender?" "My parish, St John's, made $2 million last year." "That's a lot of sherry and steak dinners." "Mrs Doyle!" "Seriously, now, do it later!" "Oh, all right, Father." "This is the St John's brochure." "It's a little out of date." "We've had another swimming pool built and... these ladies serving drinks would be in their 20s now." "Wow." "Cool." "Ted, the other day, I saw how you dealt with that suicide guy." "I have to say, I liked what I saw." "How'd you like to work with me in LA, in a satellite parish to St John's?" "You mean..." "LA?" "That's un..." "..believable!" "That's fantastic!" "Could you swing it?" "It's a good parish." "If you work hard, the rewards are there." "Yeah, spiritual rewards." "No." "Real rewards." "Really?" "It's a land of opportunity." "You want something, you can get it." "I want it!" "Really?" "It's official?" "!" "Yes!" "Yes, great news!" "Thank you, Buzz." "Thank you!" "Yes!" "One step at a time." "Got to get them all together." "Father Jack, Dougal, Mrs Doyle..." "I'm going to America!" "Yes!" "Ted, could I talk to you for a minute?" "Sure." "I, er..." "I just wanna thank you for talking me off the ledge." "It was very good of you." "I can't pretend that I'm any happier, I'm afraid." "The world still seems a dark, unpleasant place..." "Yes!" "I have to get my stuff over." "But that won't be a problem." "k evin!" "Hello!" "What can I do for you?" "Well, it's just..." "I feel as if I should tell someone where my thoughts have been leading me these past weeks." "Down some very dark and disturbing alleys." "I think I'm experiencing what you might know as the dark night of the soul." "Hold on a second, k evin." "Do you mind if I put on some music?" "No, er..." "I've begun to be plagued by doubts." "Doubts about..." "Oh, God, I mean, what if none of it's true?" "( # Theme from Shaft)" "# Who's the black private dick who's a sex machine with all the chicks?" "# Shaft!" "#" " Sorry, Father?" " This is such a good song!" "I just keep thinking about the awful things that happen to people." "War, famine, that whole Mirror pension fund thing..." "It just makes me despair." "# Shaft!" "#" "I love this bit - # Daga daga daga daga... #" "I do..." "I do like this song, actually." "Ah, yes, it's terrific." "Mrs Doyle got it in a car-boot sale." "(Both) # Shaft!" "Shaft!" "Shaft!" "You were saying, k evin?" "It doesn't matter." "I'd better go home anyway." "Thanks, Ted." "Listen, did you want that twenty?" " Yeah..." "Actually, keep it." " Really?" "All right." "Thanks, Ted." "No problem!" "Yes!" "Dougal, great news." "I've been asked to go and work in America!" "Really?" "As what?" "Well, as a priest." "A priest?" "Great." "That's more or less the same as what you do here." " Yes." " God, America!" "Fantastic!" " When are we going?" " When are we...?" "What?" "I am going, aren't I?" "You wouldn't..." "You wouldn't leave me behind, would you?" "Mrs Doyle!" "Ted's been offered a job in America and we're going with him!" "(Gasping) We're going to...?" "We're geeng to Meerica?" "We're geeng to Meeca?" "Are we?" "Are we really?" "Are we really, Father?" " Yes, we're going to America." " Tell Father Jack!" "Father Jack?" "(Easy listening)" "# I'll be seeing you" "# In apple blossom time" "# I'll be seeing you" "# To change your name to mine #" "Actually, I think I'd better just go and have a bit of a lie-down." "Father, do you mind if I turn on the radio?" "No, I don't." "Put it on." "(DJ) '..with their new single, here's Radiohead.'" "# Wake from your sleep" "# The drying of" "# Your tears" "# Today" "# We escape" "Woo-hoo!" "You guys!" "What a great Mass!" " What d'you think, Buzz?" " Seeing you today, Ted..." "I haven't been this excited about religion in 30 years." "You know how to work the room!" "You inspired me." "It was one of those Masses when everything went right." "I was just in the zone." "They're gonna love you in the States." "You put on a show." "But it's a competitive market." "You'll be up against Billy Graham and those Nation of Islam guys." "You gotta grab your audience." "You know where?" " Yeah!" "By the balls!" " I was gonna say by the shoulders." "Oh, right." "Sorry." "Yeah, it's fantastic!" "I feel like doing another Mass right away." "Pace yourself." "I wouldn't do another Mass for a week." "The way I feel now, I could convert gays!" "Oh-ho, Ted." "One week to go!" "Yes, Dougal." "Um..." "Mrs Doyle, Dougal, Father Jack..." "I have to tell you something." "I have to be absolutely honest with you." " The money was just..." " Resting in the account." "We know." "No, it's nothing to do with that." "Well...the thing is..." "You won't...you won't... be able to come with me." "When I go into space." "I'm going to be the first priest in space!" "Yes." "NASA have selected me to be the first priest in space..." " I thought you'd want to hear." " Great." "That's all right." "God, Ted!" "First America, then space!" "What's next?" "Who knows?" "As long as we can all go to America, that's the important thing." "I think if I heard that I couldn't go for any reason," "I'd have to say that would be the single most crushing blow of my life." "A disappointment like that, I couldn't live with it." "I might have to take the ultimate step and take my own life." "Mrs Doyle, that's a terrible thing to say!" "But it doesn't matter anyway because I am going to America!" "Yes." "Ha, ha." "Well, Father, today's the day." "I arranged for the electricity and phone to be cut off, and someone is going to take away the furniture and burn it!" "Well, come on, now, Father!" "We don't want to miss our plane!" "God, I've just seen my passport photo." "I look hilarious." "Here." "God, I've changed a lot." "Look at Father Jack." "He's so excited he can barely keep still." "Seriously, I have to say something." "Oh, I can't wait to hear this!" "Every time Ted talks to us these days it's more and more good news." "Now you're going to tell us you're Santa!" "No, I'm not." "In fact, I'm the opposite to Santa." "The Antisanta?" "I'm afraid this is going to come as a terrible blow but I can't put it off any longer." " What are those guys doing here?" " They just came to say goodbye." "They don't think they're coming, do they?" "No, I made that very clear." "I told them a million times." "Just say your goodbyes and get checked in." "Then we'll go talk about your new parish." "All my life I've dreamed about something special happening to me." "I think this is the greatest moment of my life." "Me too." "Big bras!" "Dougal, Mrs Doyle, Father Jack..." "Why don't you wait in the café?" "I'll check us in." "Which café?" "The one that isn't a tourist office." "Ok, so." "Flip." "They're never going to serve us." " (Chuckling) So, you all set?" " I am." "Damn!" "I forgot to pack my swimming trunks." "What for?" "Well, I don't want to go au naturel at the pool." "See, I've..." "I've a bit of downy fluff around that bottom area." "Oh, yeah, I heard about that." "No, I meant what pool?" "You don't have a pool." "No?" "Ok." " You'll have a basketball court." " Great." "That'll keep me fit." "The parish has tried to cool tensions between the gangs through sports." "Stop you there a moment, Buzz." "Did you say 'gangs'?" "What does that mean?" "Well, LA's gang problem is getting better now." "Last year there were only 5,620 gang-related deaths." "There's that word 'gangs' I asked you about." "Also, I noticed that it was followed closely by the word 'deaths'." "Yes." "The good news is that drive-by shootings are down." "There I note the word 'shootings'." "Buzz?" " Yes?" " I quit!" "I didn't know I was going to America to umpire drive-by shooting tournaments." " Stop the plane!" " It hasn't started yet, Ted." "Don't start the plane!" "I'm getting off!" "Ted, is that you?" "Yes, it's me." "Listen Dougal, I've been thinking about things and I think it would be better if I didn't go to America." "I think we'd all be happiest where we belong, on Craggy Island." "Fair enough, Ted." "I didn't really want to go anyway." "Oh, Father, you're back." "What's going on?" "Ted decided it would be better if we didn't go." "Really?" "He's probably right." "Feck!" "Come on, we'll go home and get you a drink." " Drink!" " I thought you really wanted to go." "Yes, I thought I'd be a bit more disappointed, but now I realise I didn't want to go anyway." "Besides, I don't think I can go." "I haven't told my sister about it." "Come on, Ted." "Let's go." "Ah, yeah, you're here to stay, with me, Mrs Doyle and Father Jack, for ever and ever and ever and ever and ever..." " Down with this sort of thing." " Careful now." " Night, Dougal." " Night, Ted."