"# You must remember this" "# A kiss is still a kiss" "# A sigh is just a sigh" "# The fundamental things apply" "# As time goes by #" "Agh!" " What are you doing?" " Looking at you." " What for?" " I just was." "I don't like people looking at me when I'm asleep." "If you're asleep, how do you know people are looking at you?" "I'm not ready for this sort of discussion." "What time is it?" " Six o'clock." " What are you doing up and dressed?" " I got up at five." " What on earth for?" " We're getting married today." " Yes, at 3:00 this afternoon." "I thought I'd give myself plenty of time." "You've certainly done that." " Why were you looking at me?" " Well..." "I suppose I just wondered if you were all right." " I was, I was fine." " Now you're awake, are you still fine?" " Well, reasonably, yes." " That's good." " You don't have to get up just cos I'm up." " I don't intend to." " You'll be going back to sleep, then?" " That's the general idea, yes." " Strange." " It's not strange at all." "Well, I'll leave you to it, then." " Mmm, that would be nice." " Oh." "I'll see you later, then." " Do you want calling?" " No, thank you." "Right." "I'll see you later." " Are you looking at me again?" " I'm going, I'm going." "Amazing." "She just went back to sleep again." "I'd say that was a very sensible thing to do." " You sure you wouldn't like some toast?" " No, I had some bread and jam at 5:30." " Half past five?" " Yeah, I fancied bread and jam." " Right." " Lionel..." "What have you been doing since half past five?" "Well, I cleaned a lot of shoes, swept the garden path, general things like that." " Changed the lightbulb in the hall." " Oh, worth getting up for." " Shouldn't Jean be up by now?" " It's only 8:00." "I just hope she doesn't leave everything till the last minute." "I think I'll just stroll down to the newsagent's and get a paper." " We've got a paper." " I've read that one." " He is a bundle of nerves." " It's very sweet, really." "What about your mum?" "What was she like when she married your dad?" " I wasn't there." " Right!" " What do you think she'll be like today?" " It's hard to say, really." "She usually comes up trumps on the big occasions." "It's the little ones she turns into an international incident." "Well, I'm glad that night's over." " Lionel never gave me a moment's peace." " Ooh!" "Oh, not that." "He kept twitching and fidgeting." "He even talked in his sleep." " I've never known him do that before." " What did he say?" "Sturgeon." "Just the one word." "He kept repeating it over and over again." "Sturgeon." " Are you sure it wasn't surgeon?" " No, definitely sturgeon." "Why would he talk about fish in his sleep?" "Thanks, Sandy." "You tell me." " He was up at 5:00 this morning." " He's cleaned a lot of shoes." "It's a pity we don't still have gas lamps in the street." " He could've gone round putting them out." " We think he's a bundle of nerves." "Well, he is, but I don't see why." "We're hardly a couple of young things, are we?" "No, that's true." " So, you're all right, then, Mum?" " I'm fine." "I'm looking forward to it." " I'm happy and I'm calm." " Not too calm?" " Judy." " No, I'm sorry." "So what would you like for breakfast?" "Just some toast?" "Oh, no, thanks." "No, I think I'll have the full works." "Hi, Judy." "Listen, are all you beautiful women decent?" "Isn't it a bit early in the morning for questions of morality?" " No, I mean decent as in covered up." " Yes." "Why?" "Because I have people to let loose and some of them are guys." " OK, team, let's go to it." " Who are they?" "I'm organising everything, remember?" "First step, clean the house." "Oh, right." "Only could you leave the kitchen till last?" "Mum's halfway through a fry-up." "Phew!" "Cool lady." "Hear that team?" "Kitchen last." "Meanwhile, disperse, disperse and clean, clean, clean." " How's big Li?" "Is he cool?" " No, he's overheating at the moment." " Do you want a cup of coffee?" " Oh, please." "I wonder where I'll be on the old thermometer if I ever get married." "Oh, I shouldn't worry about your old thermometer." "If you ever get married, you'll be concentrating on steering your walking frame." "Mr Lionel!" "Mr Lionel!" "Hello, Mrs Bale." "You're early." "Where are my father and Madge?" "That's just it." "I've lost them." "Lost them?" "What did they do, for heaven's sake, jump out of the car?" "They were never in the car." "The car was just a sort of support vehicle." " They're on a tandem." " The old fool is cycling to my wedding?" "Oh, not in one go." "In easy stages." "We've been on the road for three days." "But they shot a red light in Chiswick and I've lost them." "What a wonderful start to the day." "I mean, let's face it." "They're loonies, the pair of them." "An hour and something in a car and they choose to take three days on a tandem." "They shot the lights, you see." "I daren't follow." "They just missed an articulated lorry." "By the time the lights changed, they'd disappeared." "Perhaps they went into warp speed like they do on Star Trek." "Nothing to laugh about." "They've set a precedent, you see." "Your barmy sister-in-law will probably turn up in a hot-air balloon." " It'll be different." " I don't want it to be different." "I want it to be normal." "Why don't we know any normal people?" "That's what I'd like to know." " I hope the last remark doesn't include me." " Of course not, Mrs Bale." "How's the weather in the Channel?" " The sea is moderate to rough in Dover Strait..." " Mrs Bale, that's all very fascinating." "The subject in question is two old lunatics wandering about Chiswick on a tandem!" "I don't know what the panic's about." "It's Chiswick not the Brazilian rainforest." "On the whole, I think I agree with Miss Pargetter." " Thank you, Mrs Bale." " It's worsening, by the way." " What?" " Visibility in Dover Strait." "Mad, you see." "The whole day will be mad." "Lionel, your vocabulary is becoming very limited." "Everyone is either barmy or loony or mad." " That's the way it seems to be going." " People do have their little peculiarities." "Would you call someone who shouted out "sturgeon" in his sleep mad?" "Yes, I would." "Totally." " Wouldn't you?" " I'll have to think about it." "Ah!" "OK, Kong, you know who you're looking for, so go get them." "Al, leave it to us." "We'll tear Chiswick apart brick by brick if we have to, won't we, lads?" " Aye!" " I'd sooner you didn't do that, Kong." " Aye-aye, just a joke, Al." "Ready, lads?" " Yep." "Let's go." "Let's go!" "Did you just call him Kong?" "Yes." "Nice guy." "I'm sure he is." "Where did you find him?" "In a cave?" "Professionally." "I'm his publisher." " What on earth does he write?" " Poetry." "Ah, the caterers." "This way, men." " Men?" " Well..." "I'm sure I asked for men." "Oh, there you are." "What are you doing?" "I'm sorting out my ties." " Why?" " I've run out of things to do." "Well, you would get up at the crack of dawn." "I couldn't sleep." "I was nervous, all right?" "I'm still nervous." " Oh, Lionel, this isn't like you..." " Now look what you've done!" "That's not like you either." "I'm the one that should be panicking." " Why aren't you?" " Well, because..." "I don't know." " I just feel calm." " I just wish it was all over." "Yes, I know." "Well, I'm going to have a nice, long bath." " Long?" " I'll be ready in plenty of time." " Well, don't fall asleep in there." " I'm hardly likely to." "Everything will be fine." "Alistair's organised everything so it's bound to go smoothly." "Kong and his lads will find Madge and Rocky." " It's a big place, Chiswick." " No, they'll find them." "Then all we have to do is turn up, say the words and it's over." "I was best man for a friend of mine who got married in Kenya, you know?" "Were you?" "During the ceremony, his left leg went completely numb." "I'm gonna have that bath." "Yes?" " Your sister-in-law's here." " Oh, Lord!" "Can't you get rid of?" "May I come in?" "I thought you were going straight to the register office." "I thought, I should be looking after Jean." "I know what a state she'll be in." " Hello, Lionel!" " Hello, Penny!" "I'm not in a state." "Why don't you just pop downstairs and have a nice, clubby chat with Stephen?" " What about?" " Whatever men's clubby chats are about." "Yes, that's just what I need, really." "Off you go, then." "There we are." " I'm here, dear." " Yes, I can see that." " There's no need at all to be nervous." " I'm not." " You are." " I'm not!" "It's perfectly natural." "I mean, all those years alone, thinking that the world had passed you by, and then, at the eleventh hour, the sheer magnitude of what you're doing!" " I resent eleventh hour." " Well, let's say 10:45, then." "I'm not very keen on "sheer magnitude", either." " It hasn't hit you yet." " I know I was married to your brother" " but I happen to love Lionel." " Of course you do." " And he loves me." " Of course he does." " So everything's fine." " Of course it is." "Well, I don't see the need for this conversation, then." " I'm trying to calm you down." " I don't need calming down!" " I played netball once, you know?" " Did you?" " Did you say netball?" " Yes." " That's a girls' game." " Oh, I know." "We had a forward-looking headmistress who insisted on having one boy in the team each week." "I see." " How did you get on?" " Oh, not very well." "I was marked out of the game by a big ginger girl with hairy legs." " Bad luck." " But the funny thing was," "I was very nervous before the game." "Probably the thought of having to wear a skirt." "No, I didn't have..." "Oh, I see." "No, I just got very nervous." " Stephen, why are you telling me this?" " Well... to be honest, I am getting round to something." " Like pre-wedding jitters?" " That's right!" "I appreciate your concern but I'm getting married, not playing netball against a ginger girl with hairy legs." "But the principle's the same, isn't it?" " What principle?" " The nerves go the minute the game is on." "Thank you for that." " I'm glad we've had this little chat." " Yes, so am I." "Mrs Bale's making tea for everyone in the kitchen." "Good-oh!" "I'll probably go and have a cup, then." "Well, this all looks very nice." "Yes, it does." "It certainly takes the strain off with Alistair organising everything." " Sandy, don't start, please." " Start what?" "Getting round to telling me I have no reason to be nervous." " Oh..." " Must be something else to talk about." "I didn't want to be the centre of attention or set out to be the centre of attention." " This isn't like you." " It must be." "I'm not somebody else." " At the moment you wish you were?" " It's the time, you see." "Well, you shouldn't have got up so early." "No, not that time." "You see... when Jean and I lost touch, I didn't think I'd ever see her again." "But I never stopped wondering what it would have been like if we'd got married." "Now we're going to be, it's as if I've got all those years' worth of nerves saved up." "Well, I think that's rather like having a lovely, long dream and not waking up when you get to the best bit." "You should just be glad that it all came true." " Well, that beats playing netball." " Playing netball?" "Something Stephen said." "I won't bother you with the details." " Do you know, I think I feel better?" " Good!" " There aren't any custard tarts over there?" " Not for a wedding, no." " Never mind." " OK, Li." "Slip these on and in five minutes you'll be cool enough to chill champagne." "No, thank you." "It's a relaxation tape." "I popped home especially to get it." "It's very kind of you, but I'm fine now, I really am." "Why don't you give Mrs Bale a whirl?" "She's still in a state about Madge and Rocky." "Kong will find them." "Are you sure you're OK now, Li?" "Very OK indeed, thank you." "Then we have liftoff." "We have a cool bridegroom and a cool bride." "Oh!" "I can't find anything I'm supposed to wear." "Nothing!" "A shambles!" "It's all going to be a complete shambles." "And, sir, just a bit to your right there." "Hold it." "Lovely." "Smile." "Beautiful." "And you, sir, at the back..." "I can't move my mouth properly." " Of course you can move your mouth." " No, I can't." " I've got lockjaw." " It's just tension." "Look, it's moving perfectly naturally." "Oh, stop!" "That hurts." "I'm sorry, but you see, you're quite all right." " I feel sick." " But you were fine." " What went wrong?" " Penny." " That's what went wrong." " That woman." " Couldn't we just go for a drive?" " No, we couldn't." " Hey, hey, look at you two." " I'd sooner nobody did." "You'll be fine." "Listen, Kong has found Rocky and Madge and they're on their way." " On the back of a motorbike presumably?" " He didn't say." "Look, why don't you two go on ahead and I'll wait for them here?" "We don't want to wait another 38 years, do we?" "I'm warning you, Aunt Penny, if you say one more word to Mum till after the ceremony, I won't be responsible for my actions." "Stephen." "She's quite right, old thing, you are a bit of a downer sometimes." "I shall be talking to you later about that remark." "Oh, Lord." "Ladies and gentlemen, le Tour de Chiswick est arrivé." " Oh, thank heavens!" " I'm sorry we cut it so fine." "Yes, we punctured outside a pizza parlour, you see." "I should've been there with the spare wheels." "Don't fuss, Mrs Bale." "It wasn't your fault you lost us." "We..." "We got into a wobble and had to turn left whether we wanted to or not." "Then dear Kong found us and everything was tickety-boo!" "Let's hear it for Kong." "Hello, my boy." "Hello, Jean Pargetter." "In the starting stalls at last, eh?" " So glad you both made it." " How are you, dear?" " Oh, the hat." " It's fake." "It's fake." " All excited?" " Oh, yes, very... excited." "And..." " Controlled." " And controlled, yes." " Oh, sorry." " I don't know what to say about you two." "I mean, look at you." "We didn't have time to change." "It was all such a rush." "In any case, I think Madge looks rather snazzy." "You'll be taking off those silly hats." "Oh, do credit us with some sense of occasion." "I've got hiccups." " Oh, dear." " I'll get you some water." "Take some deep breaths." "Stephen, you're a dentist." "Do something." " Put these down her neck." " That's for nosebleed." "Boo..." " What?" " I was trying to scare you." " Oh, Stephen!" " Well, hiccups aren't my field." "Here we are, water." "Here, sip this." "Oh, yes, yes." "Oh, that's better." "Oh, yes, that's better." "I don't want hiccups." "Try drinking out of the wrong side of the glass." " Good afternoon, everybody." " Good afternoon." "I'm the superintendent registrar." "My name is Mary Wells." "My Guy!" " I beg your pardon." " Girl with the same name sang that song." " My Guy." " Yes, you know." "# Nothing you can do could make me untrue to my guy #" " Father!" "Madge!" " Oh, yes!" "So she did." " Lionel, Jean, we've met before, of course." " Nice to see you again." "Oh, dear." "Well, if you'd like to come through to my office, we'll complete a few preliminaries." "Er, the guests might like to make their way to the wedding room." "First on the left as you leave this room." "OK, folks, on to the main event." "All ready?" "I should bring the water with you." "Have you tried drinking from the wrong side of the glass?" " Have you got your tissues?" " Oh, yes." " Miss!" " Yes?" "I don't wish to interfere in any way, like, but... do you think it would be all right if I came in, to watch?" " I love weddings." " I don't think anybody would mind." " You did find the bridegroom's father." " Hey, I was happy to be of service." "Erm..." "Kong isn't your real name, is it?" "No!" "It's Digby." "Sit yourselves down." "Groom on the right." "To keep your sword arm free." " I should breathe out now." " Ah..." "Did it work?" "Oh, what shall we do?" "What shall we do?" " Press on." " Press on, yes." "Now, before we begin, I'm going to ask you to state your names in full." "Jean Mary Parg... ... etter." "Archibald Hetherington Nastyface." " Oh, he's not." " I know he's not." "Why did you say that?" " I don't know, really." " You must." "Why say a thing like that?" "That's the silliest thing I've ever heard you say." "Got rid of your hiccups, though, didn't it?" "Oh!" "Thanks, Archie." "Well, I think we can begin again." "This place in which you are now met has been duly sanctioned according to law for the celebration of marriages declare that you do not know of any lawful reason why you may not be married to each other." "Will you please stand?" "Lionel, will you please repeat after me?" " I do solemnly declare..." " I do solemnly declare that I know not of any lawful impediment..." "...that I know not of any lawful impediment why I, Lionel, may not be joined in matrimony to Jean." "...why I, Lionel, may not be joined in matrimony to Jean." "Now the bride." " I do solemnly declare..." " I do solemnly declare that I know of no lawful impediment..." "...that I know of no lawful impediment why I, Jean, should not be joined in matrimony to Lionel." "Sorry." "Now that these two people, Lionel and Jean, are going to contract their marriage in front of you, their witnesses, will you all please stand?" "I give you this ring as a symbol of our marriage and token of my love..." "I give you this ring as a symbol of our marriage and as a token of my love and I call upon these persons here present and I call upon these persons here present to witness that I, Lionel, do take you, Jean, to be my lawful wedded wife." "...to witness that I, Lionel, do take you, Jean, to be my lawful wedded wife." "I accept this ring as a symbol of our marriage and token of your love." "I accept this ring as a symbol of our marriage and token of your love." " I call upon these persons here present..." " I call upon these persons here present to witness that I, Jean, do take you, Lionel, to be my lawful wedded husband." "...to witness that I do take you, Richard, to be my lawful wedded husband." "Lionel and Jean, you have made the declarations required by law and you have made a solemn and binding contract with each other in the presence of your witnesses here assembled." "I am pleased to tell you that you are now husband and wife." "Rock on!" "Now you just look after her, my boy, or you'll have me and Madge to answer to." " Well, of course I'll look after her." " Pity you're not more active." " I'm active enough, thank you." " Nerves all right now, Lionel?" "What do you mean, now?" "I was fine." "Then why did you say you were Archibald Hetherington Nastyface?" " Get him a drink, Dad." " Yes, come on." "Get some bubbles up your nose and I'll explain everything." " Trying to get a drink, mate?" " No, I just wanted to talk to Jean." "There'll be plenty of time for that, but not today!" " Today you and Jean belong to the world." " Not all of it, surely?" "You'll get to sit next to her at the restaurant tonight." "That'll be a bash and a half." "I assume Madge will get on the drums." "She's bound to." "Oh, now don't look so down." "You should get Jean all to yourself by... midnight at the latest." "Woof!" "It's not that." "I want you to know how grateful we are for the way you've arranged everything." "Oh!" "Glad to do it." "Wait till you see what we've got planned for the big send-off." "Mr Deacon, would you come and have a word with Kong?" "He's crying in the kitchen." "Yes, of course..." "I'm glad you're not a poet, Li." "They're temperamental souls." "So what time do you and Lionel intend getting away from this mob?" "Oh, about midnight or so, I expect." "Will you just excuse me?" "I don't think I like being described as a mob." "If that's the worst you're ever described as, you're a very lucky woman." " In here." " What?" " In here." " Oh!" " Lionel..." " It's the only free space I could find." " Free space, for what?" " To tell you something." "Alistair has done a wonderful job organising everything but I've done one little bit of organising of my own." " Oh, what?" " An escape." "I don't want to go to that restaurant tonight or spend the rest of the day talking to all these people." "I want to just make a run for it and have you to myself." "Do cupboards always have this effect on you?" "I'm serious." "What do you think?" " It's a bit rude, isn't it?" " Yes." " Without saying goodbye?" " Yes." " Some people will be offended." " Well, that won't last." "If I know Alistair, he'll have them all blind drunk by 8:30 this evening." "Look, this is our day, not theirs." " You're on." " Good." " What do we do now?" "Start tunnelling?" " No." " Look at our watches?" " No, I'm counting down to zero hour." " They all out there?" "No stragglers?" " Not unless they're hiding under the table." "Taxi's around the corner and your cases are in it." " Oh!" " Well done!" " Where is everybody?" " In the garden for a group photograph." "Come on!" "You can be across the border in a few hours." " What border?" " Scottish." "We're booked on the sleeper." "Oh!" "You clever old thing." "I've never just been a pretty face." "Come on!" "Where are the dream team?" " Running." " Running." "# You must remember this" "# A kiss is still a kiss" "# A sigh is just a sigh" "# The fundamental things apply" "# As time goes by" "# And when two lovers woo" "# They still say I love you" "# On that you can rely" "# The world will always welcome lovers" "# As time goes by #"