"Officer Allen." "Responding to a 595 on Wood Ridge." "Two male Caucasians on the scene." "10-4, do you need backup?" "It's filthy back here." "Sir, may I have a moist towelette?" "I'm gonna be okay." ""Towelette"?" "Can I borrow your Taser?" "I'll give it right back." "Real mature." "You know what, stay on your side." "Hey, this is all your fault." "My fault?" "We're here because of you." "Because I was trying to help you!" "All right!" "All right!" "One of you two Susies want to tell me how you ended up here?" "Fine." "On November 13, I was asked to remove myself from my place of residence." "That request came from my wife." "Not that far back, you idiot." "Okay, fine." "Two weeks ago, I was driving with my girlfriend... ♪ ♪" "So why are we going all the way to Newark for cleaning supplies?" "Oh, these aren't just any cleaning supplies." "This is the stuff that they use to clean the factory where they make cleaning supplies." "Is it safe?" "Oh, of course." "I mean, I-I have masks for us to wear on the ride home." "(clears throat) Hey, thanks for always doing the driving." "Be honest, do you think it's weird that I don't have a driver's license?" "No." "You're a lifelong New Yorker." "You've never needed one." " And anyway, I love driving." " Mmm." "I don't know why, but it always makes me feel so calm." "Did you just see that guy?" "Oh?" "Oh, really?" "You're gonna cut me off and then you're gonna slow down?" "And-and, buddy, where's my courtesy wave?" "'Cause you know what?" "Here's mine!" "Uh, honey, maybe just best not to engage." "He has a bumper sticker that says "My Other Car is a Gun."" "I'm not scared of him." "I'm not scared of you!" "Okay, okay." "Why are you pulling up next to him?" "I'm gonna roll down your window." "Get ready to yell at him." "No, thank you!" "Nice uniform, tough guy!" "Thank you for your service." "Ugh." "Damn it." "He's exiting." "Ah." "(sputters)" "Anyway, what was I saying?" "How calm driving makes you." "Yeah." "I don't know what it is." "And it was at that moment, sitting next to Emily and feeling less than manly, that I resolved" "I would no longer be a passenger on life's winding road." "I would be a driver, licensed by the great state of New York." "(sighs)" "Learner's permit." "Line two." "Is this gonna take long?" "I'm parked in a red zone." "You parked illegally at the DMV?" "Exactly." "Last place they'd look." "Gosh, it seems like only yesterday you were a middle-aged man showing up on my doorstep, but now you're learning to drive." "I'm proud of you, champ." "(chuckles) Quit it." "And don't tell Emily" "I'm getting my driver's license." "I want to surprise her." "Oh, no, don't worry." "I won't tell your... girlfriend!" "Quit it." "You're embarrassing me." "Okay." "Quiz me." "You only need 70% to pass, but, of course, anything less than 95% and I would self-fail." "I don't do that." "Nobody does that." "I don't think that's true." "Oscar, you don't know the rules?" "You've been driving for 25 years." "When you're on the road, the rule book goes out the window." "You got to rely on instinct." "You got to be ready to react when trouble comes from there or here." "Sorry." "See?" "She wasn't ready." "Oscar, these regulations are the only thing that separate us from chaos." "Yeah, I'm-I'm with him." "I stayed up all night memorizing the manual." "Good for you, son." "See, Oscar?" "This young man gets it." "Kidding, nerd." "I skimmed it while playing video games and eating pizza." "Will you be my new best friend?" "Did one of you dummies park a silver sedan in the red zone?" "You're about to get towed." "Okay, fellas, got to run." "Don't do the horn." "I'm doing the horn." "I'll give you 50 bucks not to do the horn." "(mimics fanfare)" "Behold!" "Felix Unger, proud owner of a New York State learner's permit!" "For your information, I actually scored highest on the written test in history, 102%." "Oh, that sucks." "You were only two off from perfect." "Wait, how is 102% even possible?" "For extra credit, I turned in an essay on headrest safety entitled "A Head Above the Rest."" "So you can drive now?" "Well, I actually still need 50 hours of practice with a licensed driver." "And then the road test." "And then... look out, historic landmarks of the Northeast," "Felix Unger is coming to look at you." "You know, Felix, driving is a little harder than you may think." "Oh, please." "How hard could it possibly be?" "I taught myself chess at five, cello at ten." "I've mastered several languages. (speaks Korean)" "I just said, "Including Korean."" "(exhales) Phew." "I got super freaked out that was English." "My point is, I am a quick study, and I think learning to drive will be a snap." "Now, all I need is a warm body to accompany me." "So..." "Oh, boy." "Here it comes." "Teddy, are you free this afternoon?" " Can I binge-watch TV on my laptop?" " Yes." "Will my family be there?" "No." "I'm in." "Great." "Thank you, Teddy." "You're asking Teddy?" "Seriously?" "Yeah." "What's wrong?" "So I'm good enough to chauffeur you to the DMV, but I'm not good enough to help you learn how to drive?" "Oscar, how could you think that I would possibly ask you?" "You have a reckless disregard for the rules, in every aspect of your life." "Fashion, hygiene, grammar, hygiene... it bears repeating." "So I'm not vigilant about when I should wear deodorant..." "Every day." "Never a downside." "But on the big stuff, I am completely responsible." "Oscar, your show starts in 15 seconds!" "Damn it!" "I thought it was Saturday!" "(theme song playing)" "A miniature van." "Splendid." "Ugh." "Greetings, noble metal steed." "May you guide and protect me as you take me on my maiden voyage around this new city of York." "Noise cancelling." "Thank God." "Ah." "Yeah." "(chuckles)" "Oh." "You know, I'm catching up on the first season of Lost." "I missed it when my daughter was born." "And she's an angel and the best thing that ever happened to me, blah, blah, blah." "You want half of this?" "No, thank you." "I will be keeping my hands firmly on the wheel." "Um, speaking of which..." "No offense, Teddy." "None taken." "That thing's got to be nasty." "You will thank me during flu season." "Let's see." "Rearview mirror, check." "Passenger-side mirror, check." "Driver-side mirror, a little bit streaky." "I'll allow it." "Okay." "And now I shall signal my intent" "(starts engine) to move into the flow of traffic." "And the open road beckons." "(engine revving)" "(shrieks)" "What?" "That motorcyclist!" "Where did he come from?" "!" "I don't know." "He looks Puerto Rican." "He veered right into my lane without signaling." "Felix, this is New York City." "You're lucky he didn't throw a cup of urine at us." "(exhales) It's okay." "Nothing's wrong." "Everything's okay." "Let's try this again." "Oh, my God!" "(shrieks)" "What?" "!" "What is it?" "!" "It looks like some kind of monster made out of smoke!" "That was quick." "It was an unmitigated disaster." "Teddy paid no attention whatsoever." "Do not open that hatch." "Do not!" "He opened it." "See what I mean?" "Well, Felix, I guess driving wasn't as easy as you thought." "No." "I will admit that I may need more guidance than I had originally anticipated." "Well, I'm glad you finally came to your senses." "Absolutely." "So..." "Murph, will you teach me to drive?" "Really?" "Aw, dude, I'd be honored." "Although my dad always said it was better to teach a man to fish, so would you rather do that?" "Let's start with the driving." "(grunts) I call shotgun." "Poor Oscar." "What are you talking about?" "Well, it seems like you're a little hurt that Felix didn't ask you to teach him." "What?" "You think I'd want to waste a beautiful day like this cooped up in some car?" "(engine revving sound effect)" "Ha-ha!" "Check out that turn, Felix!" "You're not in the room." "I'm gonna turn on the air 'cause the body spray's getting to my eyes." "Thank you so much for doing this, Murph." "Aw, you got it, buddy." "This hot soccer mom I dated had a minivan just like this." "Those seats go all the way down." "Oh. (chuckles)" "I know that from reading the owner's manual, and you know that from fornicating." "Okay, so I shall hold the wheel at ten and two." "Oh," "I am no expert, but pretty sure you should hold it the whole time." "Good thinking, Murph." "Well, let's try" " this again, shall we?" "Okay." " (starts engine)" "And... (laughs)" "Good to go." "Look at this..." "I'm motoring!" "(chuckles)" "I am answering the call of the open road." " Whoa." "Stop, stop, stop, stop!" " Waah!" "What did I do?" "Hey, babe." "How you doing?" "You ever watch baseball?" "I'm me." "Murph." "I can't have you hanging out the window talking to some women..." "this is not a discotheque." "(sighs) You're right." "I-I'm..." "I'm sorry." "Mm, aw, it's so sweet you're teaching him how to drive." "Well, it's easy when you care." "Um..." "Murph?" "I'm coming to an intersection." "You're doing great, buddy." "Believe in yourself." "Okay, well, the-the light's blinking yellow, but nobody's slowing down." "Yeah." "Don't stop." "Yeah, so I..." "I-I don't have to yield to traffic?" "Yeah." ""Yeah" I don't?" "Just go straight?" "Yeah, right there." "Wait." "Straight or right?" "Murph, a-are you talking to me or to her?" "Murph, I can see you." "It's very distracting back there!" "Oh." "Sorry." "I totally get it." "Yeah." "WOMAN:" "Are you sure your dad doesn't mind?" "MURPH:" "Nah, he's cool." "(yelling)" "What happened?" "Was Murph not a good teacher?" "(smacks lips)" "Driver's Ed?" "No." "Of Sex Ed, he is summa cum laude." "I guess it has come to this." "Oscar have you seen Dani?" "Aw, look at you." "Cruising down the street in your little sweater vest" "Ah, you're a natural." "Oh, I should have asked you first, Dani." "Your nurturing presence is exactly what I needed." "Aw..." "Oh!" "Okay, (chuckles)" "No touching the driver, of course." "Oh." "Hey, look... there's, uh, some sort of pigeon convention in the road up ahead." "(chuckles)" "Ah." "They move." "They always move." "Not moving." "Wow, they're not moving at all." "The pigeons are, uh, are playing chicken." " Felix, relax." "In all my years of driving, I never..." " Uh-huh." "(both screaming)" "Why aren't they moving?" "!" "They are choosing to die!" "You're in the wrong lane!" "Felix, get back in your lane!" " ♪ Oh, I'll soon be in Heaven ♪" " I can't see with so many feathers!" " ♪ With my Lord, yes, I will ♪ - (screaming)" "♪ Oh, I'll soon be in Heaven with my Lord... ♪" "♪ ♪" "Oh, thank you, Lord, for delivering me from the clutches of death." "Okay, that was funny, like, the first three times, but I think the Lord gets it." "Oscar, I'm clocking out for the day." "I'm gonna go volunteer at a soup kitchen." "I made a lot of promises in that car." "(sighs):" "So how'd it go?" "Ha-ha." "Yes." "Rub it in." "You can have a laugh." "I'm sure you'll love this next knee-slapper:" "I quit!" "Wait, you're giving up?" "What happened to not being a passenger on life's winding road?" "What do you want me to say, Oscar?" "I failed." "My dreams of being a driver are no more." "Well, that is what I wanted you to say." "But now I feel bad 'cause it sounded sadder than I thought." "It's just too crazy out there." "I'm not built for the chaos of the road." "Say, what's the name of that Sri Lankan restaurant, the one you're always talking about that sounds awful and far away?" "You mean the Sinhala Curry Castle in Yonkers?" "I'm afraid I do." "How about I treat you to dinner?" "Come on, I'll drive." "Oh." "That might be just the thing to distract me from my failure." "Thank you, Oscar." "What is Sri Lankan food, anyway?" "Well, it depends what region you're talking about..." "Katunayake or Negombo." "Thanks for clearing that up." "Oh, Oscar, I'm glad that we did this." "Did you get enough of the goat kottu?" "I had none, so yes, I had enough." " (keys clatter to ground)" " Oh." "Oscar, are you okay?" "That fermented yak's milk cocktail really packs a punch." "I told you to go easy on the yaquiris." "Are you drunk?" "Can you drive?" "I don't think I can." "Maybe you should." "(grumbles) Oscar, you know I can't do that." "We're miles away from home in the Sri Lankan part of Yonkers!" "Well, it was your idea to come all the way out here." "Oh, damn my goat tooth!" "This is the most irresponsible thing that you have ever done." "Well, I'm sure that's not true." "Felix, you can do this." "Okay?" "(taking deep breaths)" "Okay." "Okay." "(screaming)" " (screaming)" " Stop screaming!" "Stop screaming!" "I can't believe you got so drunk." "That was so irresponsible." "In the words of the immortal Winston Churchill..." " Go back to screaming." " (truck horn blows)" "Whoa!" "Did you see how fast that truck was going?" "Write down the number, so we can call and complain to..." "Well, now he's too far away." "That's a terrible system." " Let's just listen to some tunes." " No, no, please," " turn it off..." "I can't be distracted." " (music playing)" "When you listen to music it calms you down." "It's a relaxative." "That can't be right." "Is that right?" "It's hilarious." "Oh, listen... jazz!" "Perfect!" "Jazz is like driving..." "you have to improvise." "Tap your fingers to the beat." "And release my grip from the wheel?" "Are you crazy?" "It's like what you always say about feather dusting." ""Grip lightly, clean rightly"?" "That's right." "♪ ♪" "Okay." "I'll give it a try." "See?" "Just chill out." "Get out of your head." "♪ ♪" "(chuckles softly):" "Okay." "Okay." "Look at that." "Very good." "Look, tapping." "Yeah." "I'm tapping and I'm driving." "All right." "Hello, fellow drivers." "Aah..." "Hello, Felix Unger, driving machine." "(chuckles) Look at me, Oscar, I'm a driving machine." "Yes, you are." "♪ ♪" "You're not drunk, are you?" "Nope." "Those were virgin yaquiris." "I needed you behind the wheel and out of your head." "Tricked me." "This could have ended in tragedy." "But it didn't." "I think someone owes someone an apology." "♪ ♪" "Oscar, is that smoke?" "Oh, boy." ""Oh, boy"?" "Wait, wh-what is "oh, boy"?" "Could I get that apology first?" "Just a quick "I'm sorry" will do." " Oscar!" " Okay, the "check engine" light was on for a while, but after a month it went out, so I figured everything was fine." "It went out because the bulb died like the one in your head!" "What do I do?" "What do I do?" "Pull over." "Pull over." "But go easy... the brakes are bad." "(shrieks)" "There seems to be some smoke emanating from the vehicle." "Oscar..." "I strongly dislike you." "And I don't blame you." "But look what you did... you improvised, you drove us to safety." "You got thrown in the deep end and you figured out how to swim." "You're officially a driver, Felix." "You're right." "Wow." "This must be how people feel right before they do a high five." "You want to try one, don't you?" "I kinda do." "Don't fight it." "Okay." "Not bad." "It hurt, but in-in a good way." "Yeah." "I was pretty cool back there, wasn't I?" "I used my blinkers, I turned on the hazards," "I opened the sunroof..." "which was an accident, but it was still pretty cool." "Say, Felix?" "Did you put the car in park?" "(crash in distance)" "Oscar... about that apology you've been asking for..." "Unhand me, unhand me." "FELIX:" "And that, Constable, is how we ended up here." "I could cite you for an improperly maintained vehicle, but honestly, I think living with this guy's probably punishment enough." " Tell me about it." " Couldn't agree more." "Tow truck should be here in a minute." "You guys have a ride?" "Yeah, he's on his way." "Great." "Get out." "All right." "I'm sorry about your car, Oscar." "And I'm sorry that I didn't ask you to teach me." "I didn't know that I wanted to be asked till you didn't ask me." "Can't believe I asked Murph." "I wonder if they made a baby." "I count on you for so much... food, clothing, getting food off my clothing... it's nice to be able to return the favor." "Well, I should have asked you first..." "you were clearly the best choice." "Of course." "Who knows you better than me?" "It's funny, the thing that scared me most about driving was the unpredictability, and yet, living with you has taught me to accept a certain amount of chaos." "The greatest teacher being your bathroom." "(car door closes)" "You boys looking for a ride?" "Teddy, thanks for coming to get us, man." "Felix, you mind telling me why there's a chicken foot in the grill of my minivan?" "Oh, that's not all you're gonna find." "What's your insurance deductible again?"