""The Carmichael Show" is taped in front of a live studio audience." " Oh, hey, honey." " Hey." "Oh." "Cashews." "The caviar of nuts." "Ah-ah-ah." "The cashews are for when Bobby's new girlfriend gets here." "We don't want this girl dumping Bobby because his parents didn't serve quality nuts." "But I'm starving." "Well, eat these saltines, baby." " Saltines?" " Mm-hmm." "These are what you serve pigeons and ducks." "This is the food you're supposed to eat off the ground." " Hey, y'all." " Hey, guys." "Oh, y'all got cashews?" "You know, those are the caviar of nuts." "Nobody is getting any cashews until Bobby's new girlfriend gets here." "You know, I never actually saw cashews as that fancy." "I always considered the fanciest nut to be the pistachio." "Hmm." "Speaking of amazing, fancy things, we have something to show you." "Since we got married without me getting Maxine an engagement ring..." "Look:" "I went all out." "Oh." "Maxine, why is your diamond red?" "Is it stained?" "It's not a diamond, it's a ruby." " A ruby?" " Mm-hmm." "Why would you buy something that tells everyone you can't afford a diamond?" "Rubies are actually more expensive than diamonds." "Really?" "'Cause it looks like a Ring Pop." "Cynthia, the diamond trade is vicious and destructive." "So if you see a diamond on a ring, that means somebody in Africa died to get that." "Oh." "Well, if the ring is in the store, then whoever got the diamond is already dead." "So you're saying you want these Africans to have died for nothing?" "Yeah, Maxine." "You're always telling us to recycle, and here you're wasting dead Africans." "Don't worry." "I'm sure somebody somewhere died for this ruby, too." "So, look." "Did Bobby tell you anything about this new girl of his?" " Uh-uh." " Nothing." "Just that she's great." "Okay." "So let me get this straight." "There's a great girl that's interested in our Bobby?" "This is very suspicious." "So what y'all thinking?" "Albino, alopecia, or just slow?" "Oh, look." "They're here." "I don't care how pale, bald or dumb she is, you know, Bobby has been struggling lately, and we just need to give him some support." "Come on, Joe, get up." "Oh." "What up, y'all?" "This is my girlfriend, Janet." "Hey, everyone." "Oh." " Hey, hey, Janet." " Hi, Janet." "I am so sorry." "I hate to be rude, but I got a call on the way here, and I have to head back to my office." "I still wanted to say hello, and offer this as an apology." " Oh." " My favorite burgundy." "Oh." "Thank you, ma'am." "I hope we can reschedule soon, because I've been looking forward to this." "Well, anyway, so nice to meet you." "Bye, baby." "So she's great, right?" "Bobby, that woman is old as hell." "♪♪" "*THE CARMICHAEL SHOW* Season 03 Episode 13 Title: "Gold Diggers"" "Bobby, you are dating a senior citizen." "Bobby, Bobby, Bobby, Bobby, why?" "Are you doing this for her OxyContin?" "You know you can get that out on the street now." "No." "I'm in love with her." "After three weeks?" "Well, I guess you got to move things along quickly when you don't know how much time you got left." "Oh, come on." "Janet seemed like a lovely... wise woman." "What happened to supporting Bobby's girlfriend no matter what?" "I said support pale, dumb or bald." "I didn't say nothing about dusty." "Well, in Bobby's defense, she looked really good for an older lady." "And there's no way Bobby could have gotten a woman that looked like that while she was in her 30s or 40s or even 50s." "Uh, she's at a markdown now." "It-It's like buying a dented can for half off." "Look, me and Janet have a great relationship." "We have meaningful conversations, she laughs at all my jokes." "That sounds awesome." "It sounds like a very mature relationship." "Maxine, you can't talk about her without using words like "mature" and "wise."" "This woman is a gargoyle and you know it." "Oh, Lord, I have been too good of a mother." "I have single-handedly pampered you into a fetish." "Bobby, you're a healthy, strapping young man." "And this woman is an old, broke-down lady." "She-she-she's wore out from years of wear and tear." "She's like a, like a old truck that's been left out in the middle of the desert somewhere." "The roof is flapping." "The windows are all broke out." "Tire's flat." "She got Bondo on more than half of her body." "Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, Dad." "That's my girlfriend you're talking about." "You guys are blowing this way out of proportion." "Sometimes you just meet the right person and the age doesn't matter." "Love is love." "No, it is not." "I want grandbabies." "And that woman could not possibly create a child." "And don't tell me they're gonna be doing that surrogate mother thing, because I don't want my grandbabies being a science experiment." "I refuse to grandmother a cyborg." "Again, you guys, I told you." "If you just Google things, you'd be way more informed on how things work." "This is such a double standard." "When an older man dates a younger woman, no one thinks twice, but when Madonna kissed Drake, everyone was grossed out, including Drake." "Wait a minute." "Bobby, is that a Rolex?" "Yes, it is." "Where'd you get that?" "Janet bought it for me." "Well, she can afford a Rolex?" "Yep." "She manages a hedge fund." "Wait." "She's rich?" "Now it all makes sense." "Bobby, you're just a gold digger." "Bobby, why didn't you tell us that you were dating her 'cause she got money?" "We never would have talked about you like that." "Son, you better ride this till the wheels fall off." "Look, everybody." " I am not a gold digger." " Bobby." "You are dating some elderly tycoon who buys you jewelry." "You're basically Anna Nicole Smith." "Oh, come on." "Bobby just told us over and over how much he loves her." "Just because she has more money than him doesn't make him a gold digger." "Yes, that's right." "Look, we agreed to go on a date before I even knew she was rich." "Well, I don't care what you say." "Bobby, this is the best thing that ever happened to us." "And as your father," "I must insist that you marry this kindly, elderly lady." "Oh, Lord." "Now I'm confused." "I'm torn." "On one hand, she's a barren old ghoul, but on the other, she could have enough money to buy herself a new uterus." "That's the spirit, Cynthia." "This old ghoul is about to be our daughter-in-law." "Bobby, just admit it, man." "You're not dating this woman, you're dating this watch." "Ah, come on, Jerrod." "You're just jealous 'cause you wanted a Rolex first and Bobby beat you to it." "No, no." "What are you talking about?" "That's ridiculous, I'm not jealous." "Besides, that watch looks stupid on your big, black, dumb wrist." "Jerrod." "You are jealous." "You couldn't even buy Maxine a diamond ring." "She's sitting over there wearing a mood ring." "It's a ruby." "Hey, look." "That ruby turning red." "She must be mad." "No, no." "Stop it, Joe." "Okay, all right, okay." "Bobby." "Look, there is no way she sees you as an equal." "I know Janet said that Rolex was a gift, but she owns you with that watch now." "It's basically a dog collar around your big, black, dumb, sweaty wrist." "Look, look, my wrist is normal, okay?" "All right." "Don't listen to your brother, Bobby." "He just bought me this beautiful ring, and I don't owe him anything." "Uh..." "Are you serious right now?" "Well, now, I'm just saying that ring was really expensive, Maxine." "It would be very unreasonable for you to get mad at me about anything for the next three months." "Hey, everybody." "Sorry, I'm late." " Nekeisha." " Hey." "Where's Janet?" "She had to head back to work." "Do you know this Janet lady?" " Yeah." "She cool." " Small world, too." "She went to high school with my grandma." "Nekeisha, will you please tell Bobby to stop being a gold digger?" "Why would I do that?" "I'm already reaping the benefits." "Janet bought Bobby a slow cooker, and I can't even begin to tell you how tender my brisket has been lately." "Nekeisha, you didn't bring us none?" "Oh, come on, Joe." "I don't talk about it, boy, I be about it." "Oh, yeah." "Keisha, Keisha, Keisha." "Well, look, y'all." "I-I don't care what anybody thinks, okay?" "This is not a way out for me." "I really care about Janet." "Oh, come on, Bobby." "You finally have a steady job and-and a little control over your life, why are you just gonna give that control over to someone else?" "Well, he done tried everything else." "This is the only thing that stick." "Maybe being an old, rich woman's prostitute is the life he's cut out for." "Yeah, Jerrod." "Not all hoes want to be saved." "What do you mean he's not gonna have any control in their relationship?" "Oh, come on, Maxine." "We all know the person with the most money has all the power in a relationship." "No, they don't." "Of course they do." "You think Stedman's choosing where he and Oprah go out for dinner?" "I bet you his name's not even Stedman." "His name's probably Tom, and she was like," ""Hey, I'm gonna call you Stedman, now."" "And he was like, "Cool." "Can I have some more lobster?"" "Since you make more money than me, does that mean you have the power in our relationship?" "Yeah." "Okay." "So, even if money were a way to measure power, you may not always have more money than me." "Maxine, come on." "I mean, you are a social worker." "And that is really nice and all, but you'll never earn more money than me." "But... don't worry, because I promise to lead this relationship to greatness." "Oh, well, Jerrod... you may want to rethink that." "Yeah?" "Why's that?" "'Cause I have a trust from my Grandma Nancy, and when she passes, I'll inherit it." "Uh, you talking about the 93-year-old grandma with the bad kidney?" "Yep." "Terrible kidney." "How much is the trust?" "Well, I didn't want to tell you like this in front of your whole family, but since you're being such an ass, it's $1.5 million." " Yahtzee!" " Get out of town!" "We're rich?" "Well, Cynthia, we must've done something right, 'cause both of our boys are gold diggers." "♪ Uh, uh ♪" "♪ Uh, come on ♪" "♪ Ha, sicker than your average ♪" "♪ Papa twist cabbage off instinct ♪" "♪ Niggas don't think... stink ♪" "♪ Pink gators, my Detroit players ♪" "♪ Timbs for my hooligans in Brooklyn ♪" "♪ Dead right, if the head right, Biggie there every night ♪" "♪ Papa been smooth since days of Underroos... ♪" "Hey." "Can you help me with these?" "Is that a cigar?" "Yeah." "Since I found out we're rich," "I smoke cigars now." "Also wear Versace sunglasses inside, and then when we get outside, I switch to the Guccis." "Take those off." "And we don't even have the money yet." "My grandmother's still alive." "Oh, come on, Maxine." "She is one sneeze away from death, and we both know it." "Also, we only buy organic bananas now." "I'm starting to taste the difference." "And these are not organic." "Did you buy a new watch?" " Did you buy a Rolex?" " Yep." "Jerrod, that has to be, like, a $30,000 watch." "Thirty-two five." "What is happening?" "How could you buy something like this?" "Because I love the dough." "Money over everything, Maxine." "Cash rules everything around me." "Stop using hip-hop to articulate yourself." "Look, Maxine, here's something that I just don't think you... ever really understood about me." "You see, I am from the ghetto, and I am obligated to spend my money irresponsibly 'cause..." "I ain't never had nothing." "Why are you talking like that?" "I don't know." "I think it's the chain." "Look, Maxine, I bought a chain." "I-I couldn't help myself." "I..." "Isn't it ironic that black people were brought here in chains, and then as soon as we get money, we put them on again?" "I cannot believe you are acting like this." "And put out the cigar." "God, you look like Cosby." "It's creeping me out." "Look, Maxine, I realize that this is upsetting to you, but... there's a lot of upside in this for you, too, okay?" "Now that you make more money than me, the dynamic in our relationship has shifted completely." "I'm your Stedman now, which means that you get to choose what we watch on television." "You get to choose where we go out to dinner." "And you can cheat on me once a year, 'cause you've earned it." "What?" "Also, you are allowed to hit me twice." "And you can hit my mom once." "But you can't do both." " Even if you did, I'd probably still..." " Jerrod, I don't want to cheat on you, and I don't want to hit your mom." "God, you criticize Bobby for being a gold digger, but look at you." "I thought you'd have more integrity than this." "Well, thought I would, too." "I am as disappointed in me as you are." "I put truffles on an Egg McMuffin this morning." "Oh, my God." "I can't even be around you like this." "Oh, wait, you want me to leave?" "'Cause I-I could leave." "I got a Uber waiting downstairs for me." "I tipped him $200, so he just stayed out there all day." "Oh, my God." "Yes." "Just go." "Okay." "Well, as you wish, my love." "I'll go." "Hey, Maxine," "I ordered this life-size statue of Prince off Amazon, so I'm gonna need somebody here to sign for it when it Del..." "Okay." "Yeah, Sylvia, both my boys, they got rich women." "Uh-huh." "Oh, girl, I'm gonna buy myself a new Camry." "Okay, thank you, Sylvia." "We are truly blessed." "Bye-bye." "Hey, sugar." "Now, here comes one of my little meal tickets." "Sit down here, boy." "Have a glass of some of this expensive-ass wine." "You know, this is my new favorite drink:" "expensive-ass wine." "Where's Maxine?" "Maxine got frustrated with me, so she asked me to leave." "Well, why would you frustrate a wonderful woman like her anyway?" "No, this money's making me crazy." "Look, bought a Rolex." "It's much nicer than Bobby's, I might add." "Ooh, both my sons got Rolexes." "I got to call Sylvia back." " No, Ma." " Son, you finally gave your mama something to brag about." "Let her have this." "I thought blowing through money would be more fun than this." "Well, maybe you just need a nicer Rolex." "Yeah, buy two." "One for each wrist." "That should fill the void inside you." "Hey, Bobby, how could you do this to me?" "Look, I had to make a choice." "See, that's why our marriage ended in the first place." "Bobby, you so damn selfish." "Wait, hold on." "What's going on?" "You tell 'em, Bobby." "I can't say it without crying." "Look, Janet found out that me and Nekeisha never actually got divorced." "She told me if I want to be with her, then I couldn't be friends with Nekeisha." "What?" "Keisha, you are a member of the Carmichael family." "But times change." "Hate to see you go." "No, no, no, I-I picked Nekeisha." "Look, I told Janet if me and Nekeisha couldn't be friends, then it was over." "She took the slow cooker." "She took the damn slow cooker." "You know, I tried to make a brisket in the oven." "It came out burnt and dry." "Bobby, why did you choose me?" "We needed her." "Bobby, why you gonna choose your ex-wife over money?" "Have you lost your mind?" "Yes, Bobby, you had a rich, beautiful, rich woman." "What were you thinking?" "But she said me and Nekeisha couldn't be friends anymore." "Bobby, we still would've been friends." "I would have seen you all the time." "That woman goes to bed at 8:00." "You know, Bobby," "I never realized this about you before today, but you have integrity." "Like, you chose morals and principles over money." "Why?" "Look, it's like I told you, Jerrod." "I don't care if she's rich." "Okay?" "It's more about who I am than what I have." "That stuff doesn't mean anything to me." "Wow." " Really?" " No." "Your brother's stupid." "Bobby has blown his one chance he had at making it in this world, and he is dead to all of us." "But... we still got Maxine." "So focus, Jerrod, and give her the rest of this expensive-ass wine." "Tell her" "I've always loved her." " But I still don't..." " Bobby." "Your opinion don't matter no more." "Hey." "I went to see my family, and my dad wanted me to give you this half-empty bottle of wine." "And my mom wanted me to tell you that she's always loved you." "So has everyone gone insane about this money?" "Yeah, pretty much." "Maxine, I hit rock bottom today." "I felt myself looking up to Bobby." "Like, really admiring him as a person." "Oh, my God." "That must have really scared you." "It was terrifying." "But I needed something like that to make me realize that..." "I need to have more integrity when it comes to money." "Well, I'm glad you figured that out." "But I never will." "So I need you to sign a postnuptial agreement guaranteeing that I can never touch your grandma's fortune." "Wait." "You want to sign a document that keeps you away from $1.5 million?" "Yeah, I do." "More than anything in the world." "Come on, that is ridiculous." "You know that what's mine is yours and what's yours is mine." "That's what marriage is." "But, Maxine, of all the things I bought recently, the only thing that matters to me is your wedding ring, and that's because I worked hard for that." "Like, I saved up all year for that." "Everything else..." "this Rolex, this chain, that parakeet that's in the bedroom... none of it means anything to me because I didn't earn it." "Yeah, this ring is really special to me, too." "So if you need me to," "I guess I will call a lawyer tomorrow and make sure that you never get any of my grandma's money." "Thank you." "You got something in your mouth?" "Oh, yeah, I bought a grill." "Oh." "Again, the ghetto has destroyed me." "Well, if it isn't my favorite son and daughter-in-law." "We were in the neighborhood." "Thought we'd just drop by a few bags of pistachio nuts." "And, Maxine, you are right." "They are really the quality nut." "Okay, before you guys go any further, you should know that I asked Maxine to sign a postnuptial agreement restricting me from her grandma's money." "She agreed." "So I nor any member of the Carmichael family will have access to her grandma's money." "Well." "Why does money make this family throw food in the trash?" "You know there are starving kids in Africa." "Make up your mind about these Africans, Maxine." "Are they dead, or are they starving?" "I raised two of the stupidest boys in the world." "Come on, Cynthia." "Let's go on back home to our horrible lives." " Jerrod Carmichael?" " Oh." "Hey, Maxine." "I know what I said earlier, but..." "I'm gonna want to keep this Prince statue."