"(Man On P.A.) Attentionallpersonnel." "CorporaIStanleySalkowitz, acting camp librarian... wishes toannounce the delivery of100 copies of Rumpelstiltskin." " Another shipment ofdirty books." "Clamp." " Clamp." "Come on." "Points up!" "Get with it, will you?" "This kid's spleen is full oflead from a claymore." "I'm sorry, Doctor." "What the hell's wrong with you?" "Three mistakes on one spleen." " More suction." " Right." "I'm just so nervous about Colonel Reese coming." "Oh, don't tell me." "What is he?" "Another root canal wizard from Passaic?" "It's a she." "A very important nurse." "The most decorated nurse in the army." "Great." "We can put our Christmas presents under her." " (Obaject Clattering On Floor)" " Major, go roll some bandages." "Baker, take over here." " Wait a minute!" " Come on." "Go ahead." "Go ahead." "I'll seeyou later." "I smell nurse burning." "Mmm." "Give her a rabies shot before she bites somebody." "Give me a clamp." "Very good." "Ifyou can't keepyour mind on yourjob, Major ma'am, then stay out ofthe O.R." "Major Burns, make him stop!" "Pierce, as your superior offiicer, I orderyou to cease this harassing." "Watch your language, Frank." "You stay out ofthis, Keed." "I can't allow dirty language in front ofCaptain Pierce." "I promised his mother." "I know myjob!" " I didn't get to be major byjust sitting on my duff." " Well, somebody did." "Just what did you mean by that?" "I demand satisfaction." "Tired lately, Frank?" "Major Burns, he has insulted me time and time again." " Aren'tyou going to do anything?" " Well, like what?" "Likesomethingoffiicialor what?" "Do something, Major." "My honor is in your hands." "I Sighs I" "Mclntyre, step aside." "Major Houlihan, I'm, uh, sorryyou have to see this." "I Gasps I" "# Fools rush in where angels fear to tread ##" " Getyour dirty hands offme!" " Frank, I just washed them." "Captain Pierce, I accuseyou ofstriking a superior offiicer." "A court-martial offense under the articles ofwar, and I have two witnesses." " I didn't see anything." "Did you?" " My backwas turned." " Ba-dum-bump." " Case dismissed." "I'm a witness!" "Oh, Frank." "I better see a doctor." "Is there anybody who isn't mad at me?" "Why don'tyou forget the whole thing?" "I mean, it wasjust a little squabble." "He struck a superior offiicer." "Look, Frank, we're all a bundle ofnerves." "Heck, I yell at Radar all the time." "I knowyou love me, sir." "I mean, the war's makin' us all buggy, Frank." "I've had my underwear on backwards for a month." "Come on." "Pierce will apologize." "Won'tyou, Pierce?" " I apologize." " Thereyou go." "That's a good Indian." "It's settled." "I'll seeya." "I gotta order glazed fruit for Christmas." "Apology refused." "I want him court-martialed!" "Well" " Now, come on." "Let'sjust be buddies." "I'll tell you what." "Now, you can borrow myjeep... go into town and see the cockfiights." " I can't stand to see a chicken cry." " Court-martial." "Jiminy Crickets, Frank!" "Doyou know what has to be done to court-martial somebody?" "I mean, the-the paperwork?" "'Pending the completion of thepreliminaryinvestigation by the C. O.... the accused offiicer is relieved ofduty and placed under house arrest."" "He can't leave his tent." "You mean I just get to stay in and sleep and eat meals and read?" " Yes, sir." " Take me." "I'm yours." "I surrender." "And I'll flight to the death any chance to set me free." "You think it's funny now, but what areyou gonna do during your fiiveyears in Leavenworth?" "I don't know." "Maybe I'll get married." " Radar?" " Yes, sir?" "Get out!" "I Groans I" "ColoneIReese, MaajorHoulihan." "They haven't lubed this clunker since Pershing was a pup." "Colonel Blake would have been here himselfto greetyou... but he's involved with a court-martial and some glazed fruit." "Glazed fruit?" "That'll tearyour partial." " I'll have an enlisted man getyour bag." " It's light." "All I got in here is fatigues, skivvies and an extra garter belt... in caseyou guys have a dance." " You'll be staying in my tent." " Oh, fair enough." "M.P.s?" "ls that where you keep the payroll?" "Mission accomplished." "Take me home." "Oh, a stranger in town." "Don't talk to me." "I'm bad." "Pick me up at 8:00." "I'll be dining at Sardi's tonight." "What'll I wear?" "What'll I wear?" "See that my bathrobe is back from the cleaners in time." " Pretty cute." "Who is he?" " Captain Pierce." "He's under house arrest awaiting court-martial." "Grabbed a nurse and Jumped her bones, right?" " Oh, no." " Pity." "I Clears Throat I" "Colonel Reese, Major Burns." "Uh, welcome to the MASH 4077th, Colonel." "A little number three pancake will take care ofthat." " That would beyour bed there, ma'am." " Oh, thankyou." "Uh, Major Houlihan, can I seeyou outside?" "Camp business." "Uh, foryour ears only." " (Unzipping Bag)" " Go ahead." "I wanna massage my gums." "Why does she have to bunkwith you?" "Because it's the only space in offiicers' country." "Well, how can we be alone?" "We can't." "Margaret, I need our togetherness." "Without it, I'm desolate." "I miss our spiritual oneness, the blessed union ofour souls." "And I'll break out." " It'll only be for a few days." " It'll be an eternity." "Be patient." "Write me a nice poem." "It's not the same." "My gums are singing!" "Oh, I believe very strongly in oral hygiene." "Your gums are the best friends your teeth have." " Now then, tell me about that doll." " Ma'am?" "The sheikwho wasjust in here." "MajorWhat's-his-name." "Uh, Burns." " Married?" " In a way." "Uh-huh." "You and he playing doctor?" "No!" "Well, he's a very... shy, serious... uh, responsible person." "Listen, honey, take it from an old campaigner." "It's those dumb-lookin' quiet ones with the clenched teeth that really go." "# I'm back in the saddle again ##" "And then I said to everybody..." ""Watch out for that bar ofsoap." "Look out for that bar ofsoap, everybody."" "I specifiically told Major Burns that a bar ofsoap on the floor can be very slippery." " Frank says Pierce hit him." " Oh, no, no, Henry." "When Frank fell on the soap, Hawkeye tried to break his fall." "Byjamming his flist in Frank's eye?" " Radar, I lengthened your pants three inches." " Not now." " Why'dyou wantyourpants threeinches longer?" " Later!" " Okay, okay, but this is the last time I deliver." " (Henry)Klinger." "It's 4:00 in the afternoon and you're still in a housecoat?" "Put on a dress." "You never know who might be coming around." "Yes, sir." "Boy, oh, boy." "You gotta stay on top ofthese guys every second." "All right, go ahead, Mclntyre." "Now, you said you warned Frank about the" "Hey, why did you haveyour pants lengthened three inches?" "Theywere chafiing, sir." "I can letyou have some baby powder." "I'd rather let my pants down, sir." "Hey, let'sjust wrap this up, huh?" "All right, now how did Frank get the black eye?" " When he fell he hit the sink." " "Whammo!"" " Right!" " Should I write "whammo," sir?" " Uh, no, no, it doesn't sound too G.I. Make it-- - "Socko."" "Uh, no, no." "That's too Moon Mullins." "Make it "bam."" "Okay, so Frank slipped, fell, hit the sink." " That's my testimony." " Okeydokey." " "Okeydokey."" " No, strike the "okeydokey."" " Make it, uh, "verywell." - "Verywell."" "Frank, would you mind not combing your hair so loud?" "I have very quiet hair." "And don't use that tone with me." "You're a prisoner ofwar." "And loving every minute ofit." "I appreciateyour falling down on that bar ofsoap and making everybody believe I hityou." "You still don't realize that you're under house arrest." "Thatyou're not a free man." "Now, watch this." "I can step out." "I can step in." "Out." "In." "Out." "In." " That's a free man!" " Very good." "Now let's seeyou go to Tahiti for the leprosy festival." " Well, what did you have for dinner, Mclntyre?" " Hash." " With a poached egg?" " That or an eye was looking out ofit." "That kind oftalk tightens my colon." "Ta-da!" " Steak?" " Mm-hmm." "Real steak?" "You know myviews on cannibalism." "Mess Sergeant Gifford fiixed it foryou when he heard you belted Frank." " Where'd he get it?" " It's water buffalo." "It's probably as tough as a rubber sheet." "No, no." "A little old lady rode it to church every Sunday." "Mmm!" "Mmm!" "Now that's what I call church buffalo." "Try it." " Mmm!" "Mmm!" " Excuse me, Hawkeye." " I didn't mean to interruptyour dinner." " Sit down, Father." " I'm here in an offiicial capacity." " Mm-hmm." " Is that steak?" " (Trapper)Mm-hmm!" "I broughtyou a prisoner ofwar package." "Real steak?" "Water buffalo." "And it's only got a hundred miles on it." "Try it." "Mmm!" "Mmm!" "Now that's delicious." "(Trapper) Mm-hmm." "Oh, my." "This is Friday." "No, it's Saturday." "We're over the date line." "I Sighs I" "Oh, dear." "That was close." " Father, why?" " Oh." "According to the Geneva Convention, each prisoner is entitled to this package." "You have a razor, toothpaste, soap, six aspirin... a wash cloth and four Oreo cookies." "Father, that's for a prisoner ofwar." "I'm one ofours." "In the eyes ofthe Lord, a prisoner's a prisoner." "Well, thanks." "And in your prayers, thank the big fella for me." "Oh, MacArthur had nothing to do with it." "(Man On P.A.) Attention." "Due tolastnight's groping... tomorrownight'smovie willbe shown with thelights on." " What movie?" "What's playing?" " Uh, a Gene Tierney picture I believe." "Oh, I love her overbite." "An overbite really gets to me." " Gene Tierney, Harriet Mackey." " Harriet Mackey?" "Junior high." "Gene Tierney in a training bra." "I'd really like to see that movie, Father." "Let me work on it." "Father, you're the button in the cap ofkindness." "I Laughs I The button" " Can I use that?" " Be my guest." " I Sighs I" " What's the matter?" "I got a stomach ache." "I thinkyou ate my meal too fast." "Well, you used to send it out by helicopter, for heck's sake." "Oh, yeah?" "Well, this is Colonel Blake calling and I want that out here by 1 300 hours!" "And that's an order, Captain!" " Radar?" " Sir?" "Since when haveyou been promoted to me?" "Uh, well, uh... me saying that I'm you isjust like using your rubber stamp, onlyyou can hear it." "Well, why the chewing out?" "The mail's three hours late and I'm expecting something kind ofspecial." "Radar, you still haven't fiinished your other glass pistol full ofcandy." "Nowbeagoodlittle fella andrelax." "You got 1 8 more months to wait for the mail." " Okay?" " Yes, sir." "I'll be down at the new latrine." "Fr." "Mulcahy's blessing the lye." ""Be a good little fella."" ""Be a good little fella." I'll show 'em." " Metzenbaum scissors." " Metz." "See that, Major?" "Ifyou keep your straight scissors facing up... your curved ones facing down, you'll never get them mixed up." " Yes, ma'am." " Little more 3O silk." "Sutures here, retractors there." "And army and navy goulet and ribbon." "And in this basin, the Richardson Balfour and diver." "You see, the idea is to develop a working rhythm... with your surgeon." "Excuse me." "Mm-hmm." "Done." "Here, would you put a dressing on that, Major?" " Yes, Doctor." " Bravo!" "I Chuckles I" "Bravissimo." "You gotyour own place or doyou live with your folks?" " I Man On Screen Speaking lndistinctlyl - (Man Coughing)" "I have no interest in hiring" "(Trapper) Youcanhireme." "I All Shouting I" " (Man)Sitdown!" " (Woman) You're in thepicture." " (Mulcahy)I'm terriblysorry." " (Hawkeye) That'sallright." "(Movie Dialogue Continues, indistinct)" "(Trapper)lcan'tget the flyswatteroutofthesoup." " Are they married?" " Hey!" "Sit down." "Gwen, sit down." "Captain Pierce!" " I'm clean." " Sorry." "I was reaching for my hanky." " Hey, more popcorn, everybody." "Who wants popcorn?" " I All Shouting I" "Popcorn!" "Hey, is it hot?" " Thereyou go." " Huh?" "Sit down, Mclntyre!" "I've lost the story." "Who's this guy?" " (Trapper) VincentPrice." " I don't understand it, Ellen." " Boo!" " (Mulcahy)Here, here." "Don'tjudge him too harshly." "After all, the other chap was coveting his neighbor's wife." "Father Hollywood." "Drink up, for tomorrow we die." "Ifl drink too much I'll get hot flashes." "We'll take pictures." "Will you marry me?" "Why, you unpredictable little" "(All Cheering)" "What, what, what, what?" "Cornel Wildejust kissed Gene Tierney." " On the teeth?" " Right smack on." "Ifhe straightens out that overbite, I'll kill him." "And I'll never letyou go." "Never, never, never." " Hey, hot dogs!" "Red hots!" " I All Cheering I" " Getyour hot dogs right here!" "Hot dogs!" " I Screams I" "Just reaching for my frankfurter." "This will makeyou feel a lot better." "What's going on here?" "A movie in my quarters?" "Yes, sir." "Captain Pierce ain't allowed out." "There must be 50 people in there." "I need my tweezers." "I have a hair in my mole." "I'm sorry, sir." "This whole post is potty." "The man's a prisoner and he's treated like the Aga Khan." "Shh, shh, shh." "The weddingscene'sabout tobegin." " Well, I'm going to the C.O." " Yes, sir." "You've always made me." "You did tell me not to let him swim the lake unless you were with us, but-  but we wantedtosurpriseyou." " I Sniffles I" "Danny wassohappy." "He'dbeen doingso well." "Heswam three-quarters-  (HenrySniffling)" " He's very deep." "(Klinger) 'Congratulations, bigguy." "Nowyouare tallerthansheis." "Oh, boy, they flit!" ""O'Brien and Brophy's elevated shoes will bring you a new confiidence..." ""a better personality and real class." "But ha-ha, watch out for low branches."" "This is it, Klinger." " Wow!" " Hey, look atyou!" "I'm a real person." "No, let me try it solo." " Easy." " It's all right." "Corporal, I wanna see Colonel Blake." " He's at the movie right now, sir." " Oh, "nerts."" "What haveyou done toyourself?" "Sir?" "Well, youlook different." "Youchangedthepartinyourhair." " Uh, no, sir." " Hmm." "New glasses." "That's it." "I Chuckles I" "Well, they giveyou a look ofauthority, Corporal." "Dignity." "Oh, well, thankyou, sir." "Did you hear that?" "No more "little guy."" ""Authority." "Dignity."" "Wait a minute." "Look out!" "Oh, um, I was looking for Major Houlihan." "She's in post-op." "Come on in, Major." "I don't wanna botheryou." "I seeyou're doing your nails." "Just sharpening the old claws." "Never know when they might be useful." "Well, I'm rather upset." "Perhaps I'll take two aspirin and go lie down under a tree." " I can see the tension." "Sit down, doll." " Well, l" "Now, now, hon." "You tell the old colonel all about it." " I'm, uh, cursed with perfection." " Aw." "Even as a child, I always sorted my marbles... according to size and degree ofquality." "I had my "nibs," "aggies," "puries" and shooters." " Sounds like a terrifiic kid." " I Chuckles I" "I was a swell boy." "Pressed corduroy knickers, matching stocking and sweater set." "You're still so tidy and neat." "I Sniffiing I Oh, what is that?" "Oh, my aftershave." "Rough and Ready." " So masculine." "Gets right to me." " Mm." "I, um" " I hearyour marriage isn't all beer and skittles." "Oh, Louise." "She has no sense oforder." "She's always getting into my drawer and mixing up my marbles." "Poor baby." "Tsk, tsk, tsk." "Rest stop." "How's the movie?" "Captain Pierce." " Radar, what's happened?" " Happened?" "Yeah, eitheryou've been raised or the camp's been lowered." " Oh, Radar." "You don't need those." " I Whispering I" "Yeah, sure, go ahead." "I'll meetyou inside." "Mention my name." "Why?" "Listen." "You don't know what it's like being short." "I mean, always being the last one to be picked for the team." "Looking girls straight in the throat." "Never being able to see over the crowd." "Doyou know that the only parade I've ever seen was one I was in?" "Everybody's always making fun ofme." "Even you." "Well, then I was out ofline." "Listen." "There's height that people never see." "Some guys are ten feet tall, only their bodies don't know it." " Honest?" " (Man)Showtime." "Showtime." "(All Cheering)" "Sell those to somebody little." "We waited, sir, then we went ahead withoutyou." "It's gonna be so lonely." "Well, I'm not usually one for the hard stuff, Colonel." "This isjust fruitjuice, Major honey." "Just blackberry brandy." "Upsa-daisy now." "Down the old hatch." "I Chuckles I" "I Whimpers, Gasps I" "Whoo." "That makes my feet tingle." "That'll put lead in your Eberhardt Faber." "I wish you wouldn't do that." "I mean, I hardly knowyou." "Now what's to know?" "You're a man..." "I'm a woman, trapped together in the ravages ofwar." "But we're offiicers!" "Where doyou think noncoms come from?" " The blood should run in over the next two hours." " Yes, ma'am." " I'm gonna put in some sack time." " Okay." "Good night, ma'am." "Good night." "Oh, please." "We'vejust met." "You little fool." "Don'tyou know I can do things foryou?" " Things?" " I hold the Pentagon in the palm ofmy hand." "How would you like stateside?" "Would you like to play the Palace" " Walter Reed Hospital?" " Washington D.C.?" " Roger." "You could take care of the biggest people in the country-- senators, congressman." "G-men?" "I can putJ." "Edgar Hoover's gallstones right in your pocket." "How does that strikeyou, Colonel Burns?" " Huh?" " Come on." "Pucker up." "Come on." "Colonel?" "I Muffled Grunting I" " Oh, well!" " Rape!" "Rape!" " What?" " Rape!" " Rape!" "Rape!" " Colonel Blake?" " (Henry) Yo?" " Somebody's hollering "rape."" "Rape?" "What a night." "A movie and vaudeville." "I didn't do anything!" "We were drinking fruitjuice... talking about my marbles..." "J." "Edgar Hoover's gallstones." " What happened?" "The man is a savage." "You mean he" " Well, what doyou want me to do about it, Colonel?" " File charges." "I don't want him sharing my house arrest." "You're innocent, Doctor." "He slipped on a bar ofsoap!" "Margaret, l" "I never been to a rape before." "Maybe foryour next birthday." "I'm gonna miss the movie!" "All right, Burns, in my offiice." "Colonel, I have a few questions." " Colonel!" " Put a hat on it." "Excuse me, sir." " Much better, Radar." " Thankyou, sir." "C-rations." "You had steak." "Well, Frank, I wasjust a puncher." "You're ajumper." "This is terrible." "And what am I gonna tell mywife?" "The truth is always the best, Frank." "You were waiting foryour mistress and got impatient and attacked anotherwoman." "You're a creep." "Yeah, but I'm free." "You're a prisoner." "I can go out." "I can go in." "Out." "In." "Out." "In." "In." "Out." "Out." "In."