"[PLAYING HARMONICA]" "Have you seen my piggy?" "Your piggy?" "No, is he lost?" "Yes." "I looked everywhere." "Hmm." "Well, I tell you what, Michelle." "Whenever I lose a stuffed animal there's only one thing that helps me through the night." "I play the blues." "I'll tell you what." "I'll get you started and you tell me the story." "Here we go." "[SINGING] Michelle lost her piggy" "Oh, where could he be?" "He's not in my room" "I just remembered" "I left him in the kitchen" "My baby done left me" "Left me for a pig" "He wasn't very smart" "But, man, he must be big" "Yeah, ooh, yeah" "Thank you, ladies." " Morning." "JESSE:" "Hey, Danny." "Morning." "All right, boys, your waffles are ready." "Everybody grab a fork." "It's all-you-can-scrape." "Actually, I'm in a cereal mood this morning." " Yeah, me too." " Yeah, me too, also." "Danny, how'd your blind date go last night?" "Not so good." "We played the old guess-your-age game and she guessed I was 33." "The nerve of that woman." "You are 33." "So?" "It's common courtesy to knock off four or five years." "Maybe she thought she did." "[JESSE CHUCKLING]" "Danny, come on." "You do have a few gray hairs." "I don't have any gray hairs." " Sure you do." "There's one right there." " Ow!" " Wait a minute, I see one." " Ow!" " Oh, look." "I found one too." " Ow!" "Great." "You've made your point." "Just leave them here." "I might need them as plugs for a hair transplant." " Hello, people." "JOEY:" "Hey, Michelle." "BECKY:" "Morning, Michelle." "DANNY:" "Good morning, honey." "Michelle, I wanna ask you a question." "How old do I look?" "Hmm." "Ninety-two." "Thank you very, very much." "Wanna hear my graduation song?" "Graduation song again?" "Michelle, no offense, but "The Wheels on the Bus Go Round and Round" is not the coolest song in the world." "Hit it." "[SINGING "THE WHEELS ON THE BUS"]" "[MOUTHING]" "Everybody!" "Uh, Michelle, why don't you wait and sing that in the car with the other kids?" " Okay." " Thank you, Joey." "No problem, Jess." "It's your day to drive carpool." "[LAUGHS]" "All right, let's go, Michelle." "[SINGING "THE WHEELS ON THE BUS"]" "[BECKY LAUGHS]" "BECKY:" "Bye, sweetheart." "JESSE:" "Bye, honey." " Good morning." " Good morning." " Good morning, girls." " Good morning, girls." "D.J., how old do I look?" "I don't know, you're my dad." "You look old." "Hey, Deej, how's your speech for graduation going?" "Well, the speech is fine." "I'm just worried about speaking in front of 300 people." "Well, D.J., I'll tell you what helps me when I speak in front of crowds." "I just pretend everybody is in their underwear." " Why?" " I don't know." "It's just fun." " Bye, everyone." " Bye." "Why don't I get a graduation?" "Steph, you will." "You're just going from third grade to fourth grade." "Just?" "It so happens I'm going from lower elementary into upper elementary." "I'll be playing on a completely different playground with no monkey bars." "This is a very big deal." "And nobody cares." "How rude." "Bye, Steph." "Oh, man." "I am really getting old." "D.J.'s graduating junior high." "Michelle's graduating preschool." "And Steph is about to go to a playground with no monkey bars." "Danny, this is all part of life." "Yeah, pretty soon the girls will move out, get married, have kids...." "Before you know it, you'll be old, bald, and alone." "Well, listen, have a nice day." "One, two." "One, two." "One, two." "One, two." "And rest." "[DANNY COUGHS]" "Oh, gee, what a shame." "I could do this all day." "Well, thank you, Jerry Jacobs star of the new home workout video, Body By Jer." "Remember, the most important thing is to stretch after every workout." "Especially for us older guys." "Right, Danny?" "Older?" "What do you mean?" "How old do I look?" "Do I have any gray hairs?" "I thought I got them all." "Join us tomorrow on Wake Up, San Francisco as we watch Danny age gracefully." "Have a good day, everybody." "[PLAYING "WAKE UP, SAN FRANCISCO" THEME]" " Bye." "KEITH:" "And we're clear." "Keith, next time more makeup under my eyes, please." "I look tired or something." " Great show, Danny." " Oh, hi, Kirsten." "Thanks again for letting me do my college internship on your show." "But I have to be honest." "I was shocked during that exercise segment." "Oh." "I'm sorry." "I haven't done a squat thrust since grade school." "[GIGGLING]" "I meant when he called you an older guy." "You can't be more than, what, 27, 28?" "Well, I guess I could be, but who'd believe it, huh?" "He must have said that because you project an aura of wisdom and maturity." "Well, not only did you just nail my age, but you got my aura right on." "[GIGGLING]" "You are so cute." "Well, I should get back to class." "Right." "Well, see you tomorrow." "Kirsten, wait up." "I was just wondering...." "Maybe if you weren't doing anything tonight, you and I could, like, hang out." "Cool." "Do you like Slaughter?" "I'm basically nonviolent." "[GIGGLING]" "Slaughter, the band." "Oh, ha, ha, of course." "I know." "I was just teasing you." "I'm a major Slaughterhead." "Great." "I have tickets for tonight." "I'll pick you up after my last class and you can be my date." "Awesome." "You know, I made the coffee on the set this morning...." "[ALL SINGING "THE WHEELS ON THE BUS"]" "Hi, Uncle Jesse." "ALL:" "Hi, Uncle Jesse." "Hi, rug rats." "I'm a little early to pick up Michelle." "I'll wait here." " Quiet as a mouse." "I won't bother you." " That's okay." "There's always room on the magic carpet for Uncle Jesse." "[ALL CHEERING]" "How did you like our graduation song?" "It's okay for a song about a bus with a bunch of wheels that go round and round." "You said it was not cool." "All right, I'm busted." "The song's a loser." "Perhaps Uncle Jesse could teach us a song that's a winner." "[ALL CHEERING]" "No, no, no." "No yea." "No yea." "No yea." "Uncle Jesse's a little busy for that." "Just-- I don't know." "Just pick a cool song." "I bet you don't know any cool songs." "I know millions of them." "Name one." ""Viva Las Vegas."" "Never heard of it." "Your uncle is a monkey head." "He's not a monkey head." "He knows lots of cool songs." " No, he doesn't." " Yes, he does." " No, he doesn't." " Yes, I do." " No, you don't!" " Yes, I do." "I know millions of them and I'll teach you one right now." "[ALL CHEERING]" "Thank you so much for volunteering." "Just call me Uncle Monkey Head." "ALL:" "Uncle Monkey Head!" "Uncle Monkey Head is gonna help us with our graduation show." "[ALL CHEERING]" "Get the monkey head!" "No, wait" " Wait!" "[ALL SHOUTING]" "Watch the monkey hair." "[SINGING KISS' "ROCK 'N' ROLL ALL NIGHT"]" "[DOORBELL RINGS]" "Hi, Danny." "Cool pants." "Oh, thanks, Kirsten." "I've had them for years." "Isn't that a price tag?" "Oh." "Oh, yeah, well, I got a good deal and I'm darn proud of it." "[LAUGHING]" "Let's go get Slaughterized." "Can I use your bathroom?" "I've gotta do a quick hair check." " Check away." " Okay." "Oh, Danny, my tickets fell through but don't worry, I know an usher who can sneak us in." "Won't we get in trouble?" "I mean, I hope so, because I live for trouble." "[DANNY GRUNTS AND KIRSTEN SCREAMS]" "Whoa." "[SINGING]" "What are you doing home early?" "You're supposed to be eating dinner." "They don't call it fast food for nothing." "Dad, aren't you going out on a date tonight?" "And have you looked in the mirror?" "What is this?" "The third degree?" "You're not even supposed to be here." "Since you've had dinner, it'd be a great time for dessert." "What better place than in the kitchen?" "Would you all please go and help yourselves to some dessert?" "That would be really great." "Thank you." "Hi, everybody." "Hi." "Are you here to play with D.J.?" "DANNY:" "Um...." "No, Michelle." "She's here to play with me." "[KIRSTEN LAUGHS]" "Everybody, this is, uh, Kirsten, my date." "Where are you taking her, Chuck E. Cheese?" "Danny and I are sneaking into the Slaughter concert." "Dad, you're gonna go see Slaughter?" "You're so lucky." "So, Danny, what's your favorite Slaughter song?" "Uh, I like their early stuff." "Nice try, Mr. T., but they only have one album." "I meant early on their album." "First side, first cut." "D.J., take Kimmy up to your room and work on your graduation speech." "Okay." "And, Michelle, why don't you go work on your graduation song." " Okay." "DANNY:" "Ha, ha." "And, Steph, why don't you go, um...." "I'll go upstairs and think about how everyone else gets a graduation and I get diddlysquat." "Well, I guess we better be jamming." "[JOEY LAUGHS]" "[IMITATING OLD MAN] Yeah, well, you kids run along now and by gosh, have fun." "And by golly, don't stay out too late." "Hey, great Ronald Reagan." "That's, uh, Walter Brennan." "Oh, well, anyway, we won't be out late." "I have to be back at the sorority house by 12:30." "Oh, well, in that case, Danny, your curfew is extended to 12:45." "Wow, on a school night." "Gee, thanks." "Boy, those guys love to kid around." "Ha, ha." "I'll get you for this." "Reagan?" "So this is a preschool graduation." "Did I mention that I never got one?" "I never got a kindergarten graduation either." "Well, the important thing is you're not bitter." "Welcome to the Meadow Crest Preschool graduation." "Today's program was put together by Jesse Katsopolis." "Thank you." "And now let's bring in our proud grads, shall we?" "[ELGAR'S "POMP AND CIRCUMSTANCE MARCH NO. 1" PLAYING]" "Did I mention I never got a robe or a flat hat?" "Over here, Michelle." "Don't these kids look great, huh?" "All right, kids, go get ready." "Go get ready." "[MURMURING]" "All right." "All right." "All right." "Welcome, parents and friends." "This year, our kids learned about sharing." "They've learned about respect, and most importantly they've learned not to put their mouths on the drinking fountain." "We'd like to show you how our year in preschool have made our grads a little older, a little wiser and thanks to me, definitely a lot hipper." "Here they are, Jesse's Little Rippers!" "Shake it up!" "[SINGING "TWIST AND SHOUT"]" "[MOUTHING]" "[APPLAUSE]" "Now, I present the class of 1991." "Steph, get in here, please." "What is it?" "Stephanie Judith Tanner, this is your graduation ceremony." "[ALL HUMMING ELGAR'S "POMP AND CIRCUMSTANCE MARCH NO. 1"]" "It's a dream come true." "How did you ever know I wanted this?" "[LAUGHING]" "First, we present to you this graduation trophy." "This is a bowling trophy." "Yes, that man is proudly bowling his way into the fourth grade." "And there's more." "Are these bowling shoes?" "Well, open them up and find out." "Wow, my first pair of high heels." "Thanks, everybody." "DANNY:" "You're welcome, honey." " You're welcome." "[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO]" "What the heck is that?" "D.J." "Young lady, you are not the only one in this house." "[KIRSTEN GASPS]" " Kirsten." " Ha, ha." "Whoa, Danny." " You sounded just like my dad." " I did?" "Well, maybe that's because I am a dad." "And that's how dads sound when they talk to kids." "I just came by early to give D.J. this tape." "I thought you and I could get some pizza before the dance." "Deej, could I talk to Kirsten for a minute?" "Sure." "I'll go work on my speech." "You have to tell me where you buy your clothes." "Hey, next time I go shopping, we'll go together." "This is great." "I finally have a friend with a car." "[LAUGHING]" "Look, uh, Kirsten." "Um." "I want you to know that I really think you're a wonderful girl." "I mean, woman." "I mean, person." "But look...." "You're 21 and I'm 33." "Are you trying to say you don't wanna see me again?" "No, no, no." "Absolutely not." "Yes." "Age doesn't matter." "I really like you a lot." "I like you too." "But I haven't been completely honest with you." "I'm not really a Slaughterhead and I hated sneaking into that concert." "I mailed them a check today." "[KIRSTEN LAUGHS]" "The truth is, you and I, we have very different interests." "I was hoping you'd understand and we could still be friends." "I'd like that too." "But before we're just friends...." "Bye, Danny." "[CRYING]" "[SINGING] Young girl, get out of my mind" "My love for you is way out of line" "Better run, girl" "You're much too young, girl" "Dad, are you going through some kind of crisis?" "Mini crisis." "But I'll be fine." "[LAUGHS]" "Look at you in your cap and gown." "I can't believe my little baby's finally graduating." "Well, not till tomorrow." "I'm just practicing reading my speech with a tassel in my face." " Do you wanna hear it?" " Sure, honey." ""Today, as we say goodbye to Van Atta Junior High we realize that everything up until now has been but preparation for the future." "Finally, we're ready to enter high school and our lives are about to begin."" "What do you think so far?" "Well, I'm just curious, but what about the last 14 years?" "It sounds like you're saying your life hasn't started yet." "Well, it hasn't." "But when I get into high school, I get to go out on dates stay up really late, backpack across Europe with my boyfriend" "Wait, wait a minute." "We'll fight about that part later." "My point is, don't miss out on what's happening right now just because you're waiting for something better to come along." "You can't live for the future, just like you can't live in the past." "Well, I'm not living in the past." "Oh, I know you're not." "But I was." "I was trying to pretend I was 21 again." "I was pretty silly, huh?" "I have to admit, Kimmy and I were laughing at you in those neon pants for hours." "Dad, check out these heels." "You can't believe how cool it is up here." "Ha, ha." "They're beautiful, honey." "[SNIFFING]" "Do I smell chocolate cake?" "Yes, you do." "Weren't you in your bed sound asleep?" "My nose woke me up." "Get over here." "You know, girls, I may not be 21 anymore but 33 is feeling pretty good right now." "Can life be any better than this?" "It would be better if I had some chocolate cake." "[CHUCKLING]" "Subtitles by SDI Media Group" "[ENGLISH SDH]"