"Bud, have you ever done this before?" "What?" "You mean have sex?" "Yeah." "Hundreds of times." "Well, I mean, with someone." "Well, girls don't usually ask me that until after the deed." "I'm sorry, I'm just a little nervous, what with your parents right next door." "Look, Jamie you see these locks?" "I have never, ever been caught doing anything with myself." "Look, no one can possibly disturb us." "I guess I'm just being paranoid." "And the truth is, I do want you." "Badly." "Then that is how you shall have me." "Hi, son." "Don't mind me." "Just keep on doing what you're doing." "I can't find my Big 'Uns." "You haven't seen any Big' Uns have you, son?" "No, Dad." "And, obviously, I won't be seeing these "'Uns," either." "Yeah." "See, it's a special edition:" "Big 'Uns Behind Bars and, in my humble opinion, best damn magazine ever published." "Why would I need that kind of stuff?" "You know I slay the babes." "Yeah, I see that." "Here it is." "My Big 'Uns." ""Chain gang."" "So where were we?" "I was just buttoning up my cut-offs and saying goodbye until you got your own place." "Jamie, Jamie, no, no." "Listen, listen." "Listen, the reason I'm living at home is to help out with dad." "See he hasn't been himself well, since Desert Storm." "He was there?" "No but he watched the whole thing on CNN." "I am so sorry." "Take me now." "Bud, have you seen my red bra?" "We got the stuff out of your son's room." "Where do you want to move this junk?" "Don't know, don't care." "The boy said he'd have an apartment by 6:00." "So, in the words of his loving mother, "Keep moving until I tell you to stop."" "Or, in the words of my loving husband, "The sooner it's out of here the better."" "Al, I can't believe our baby boy is finally moving." "Baby boy, Peg?" "He's older than you tell people you are." "I was very young when I got married." "And I was very drunk." "So where's the cool guy who is ready to leave home and bag some babes?" "Right here." "Please, you can't even bag your own wife." "I can bag her, but it doesn't do me any good, I remember what she looks like." "Marcie, fruit." "Peggy, this basket is a gift for Bud." "It's very thoughtful." "But I'm sure he wouldn't want it if I touched it." "Or coughed on it." "Or throw dirt all over it." "Gee, I can't imagine why Bud would ever want to leave here." "But, God, I do remember my first apartment." "My roommate and I were both single." "Bursting with ripe, flowering womanhood." "The sexual revolution was in full swing, and we were a-happening." "I bet you were having sex all the time." "No." "That cheap slut of a roommate stole all my boyfriends." "I've never forgiven Mom for that." "Well, let me tell you a little bit about my own swinging bachelor pad." "Mirror ball on the ceiling, waterbed on the floor fake medical degrees on the wall." "God, I have fun at that place." "Have?" "Jefferson, you don't still own that place, do you?" "No." "And it's not where I go Thursdays when I say I'm playing racquetball." "Hey, you guys, here comes Bud across the lawn." "Everybody get down, be quiet." "I think it'd make him feel good if we all yelled, "Surprise."" "Forget that." "We are gonna yell, "Get out!"" "Get out!" "What?" "Yeah." "Turn in your key." "All your stuff is in the street." "Here is a lovely fruit basket from your mother and father." "Hold on to your filthy grapes, Dad." "I couldn't find an apartment I could afford." "You know, son, the best way to ruin a heartfelt goodbye party is to stay where you're not wanted." "Now, we bought you a lovely cake." "The least you could do is get out." "The most you can do is take your mother with you." "Al, you cannot just throw him out in the cold." "No, no, no." "Dad's right." "He deserves to be "Menendez-ed" but he's right." "No, I can't go on living upstairs." "I guess I'll just go find a box somewhere." "Fine." "Oh, Bud, don't be so down." "Listen, I have the perfect place for you to move into." "It's lonely, it's grungy, it's creepy, it's you." "The basement." "Kelly you may have just hit on something." "And for once it's not a married man." "The basement." "Lots of cool guys live in the basement, right?" "Yeah, the coolest." "Uncle Fester." "Cousin Itt." "That silly guy with the butterflies from Silence of the Lambs." "It's gonna be the coolest pad in town." "It's gonna be the Mecca of chick-dom, the North Pole of nookie." "I'm gonna put in new carpets, new lights" " New third step." " Oh, my God!" "So, Peggy, what are you gonna do with Bud's old room?" "Well, you know, I've always wanted someplace I could just stretch out and do nothing." "Well, get in the car." "I'll take you to the morgue." "Come on, Al." "You should be proud that your son is moving out and becoming a man." "My son is burrowing down and becoming a mole." "Besides, as bad as this is, you know something worse is gonna happen." "Don't you know that all horrible things happen in threes?" "Celebrity deaths." "Pauly Shore movies." "Wilson Phillips." "And, in my own case, marrying Peg." "Bud not moving out." "And three, two, one:" "Al, something horrible has happened." "The hell you say." "That was Dad." "He and Mom had this big fight." "And now Mom left and he can't find her." "Did he look behind the Rockies?" "Excuse me, oink-boy." "But aren't you concerned about your mother-in-law's whereabouts?" "I know where the blubbering beast doth blow." "Where?" "Margaret, open the door!" "It's your mother, and I'm hungry!" "You know, Peg, I hate it when your mom weebles down here for her little midnight snacks which last till 9 in the morning." "Mom does not eat between meals." "No, Peg." "Because in order to eat between meals the first meal has to end." "Al, don't you know how traumatic this is for me?" "I now come from a broken home." "As do I." "Give Mom a break, she's distraught." "She is humongous." "I'm just retaining water." "The Hoover Dam is retaining water." "She is retaining Skittles." "Did someone say Skittles?" "Al, I don't wanna come from a broken home." "Mom said she'd take Dad back if he'd come here and apologize." "Please, go to Wanker County and bring my daddy home." "Please." "Peg, you know I hate going to Wanker County." "I could end up as pie filling." "Did someone say pie filling?" "On the other hand, same could happen upstairs." "Okay, I'll go, Peg." "You know what, Bud?" "I've gotta hand it to you your new room looks pretty good." "When Jamie gets here, she'll wanna sleep with me?" "Well, no." "I said your room looks good." "You still look like you." "Kelly, could you help me give grandma a pedicure?" "Sure, Mom." "What's the point?" "It's not like grandma can even see her feet." "Bud, what was so important that I had to drop everything" "Which happened to be my baby brother." "and rush right over here?" "I did it, I found a new place and I was hoping you and I could christen it, if you know what I mean." "Bud, that sounds great." "I hope it's by the lake." "I used to date this guy that lived by the lake and every time I went through the front door all I wanted to do is rip off my clothes and make love." "So where is your place?" "It's by the lake." "Let's go." "We can't." "The bidet, it's not firing properly." "But I have an equally romantic suggestion." "Let's do it right here?" "You're such a kidder." "Call me when your place is ready." "Hey, Efrum, how much do you want for this here reading lamp?" "That ain't no reading lamp, Twitchy." "That is my wife's old eating lamp." "She used to use it at night while I was asleep." "I'd be counting sheep and she'd be eating them." "Okay, how much do you want for this here eating lamp?" "It ain't for sale." "It's my wife's, and I miss her." "Give it to me." "No, no." "Please, no." "Who the hell would put a bear trap in an outhouse?" "They wouldn't." "It isn't no bear trap." "That's a human trap." "Why would you want to trap a human?" "I don't know, ask the bears." "They was the ones who put it in there." "Can you get it off me, Efrum?" "The bear trap or that tarantula you got there on your neck?" "That works every time, don't it?" "So, Al, what do you hear from my bigger half?" "Plenty." "She's moved in with me." "Well, I might have known." "She always thought you were hot stuff." "Mr. City-Slicker, with your shoes." "Efrum, I'm not dating her." "No, I'm caging her." "Hey, Efrum, how much do you want for that wading pool?" "That ain't no wading pool." "That's my little darling's shower cap." "It isn't for sale, you son-of-an-onion." "Efrum, if you're not selling anything of your wife's what the hell are you having a divorce sale for?" "Well, because I'm lonely." "And my psychotherapist told me that either I should try this or get up on that water tower and start picking off cousins." "You know, Efrum it's my impression that, A, you've got some serious toxins in your well water." "Or, B, you still miss the wife." "Well, A, I don't drink nothing but sour mash and Robitussin." "And, B when it does wear off, I do kind of miss her." "Of course, I don't cough no more." "There is still light at the end of the tunnel." "She swallow a comet again?" "No, she misses you and she wants you back." "All you gotta do is say you're sorry." "I'm sorry." "Not to me, you corn nut." "To her." "You just come on back with me, say you're sorry she'll take you back and I'll even throw in a pair of my shoes." " Show me how they work too?" " Sure." "What are we waiting for?" "Let's go." "Efrum, hang on there a second." "You know, you're a braver man than I am." "If my wife left me, I'd be dancing on the deck of the good ship hooter-pop." "With a smile on my face and my face on a smile." "God, the times that I've had." "But you know in a strange way, I have to respect your loyalty." "It's not every man who would stand by a woman who is large enough to have her own fire escape." "No, Efrum, I've gotta hand it to you you're gone." "Efrum, get back here, you son-of-an-onion." "Bear trap." "Hi, Peg, I'm back." "Good night." "Al, where's Dad?" "He's not coming, Peg." " Good night." " Hey, what happened?" "Peg, he was all set to come back and then, somehow or another, someone" " I'm not saying who." "said something about good ship hooter-pop." "Before you know it, a 70-year-old hillbilly was popping wheelies on a thresher and saying how he'd never marry a family member again." "This is all your fault." "You have ruined a perfectly happy marriage." "Yet, I remain in a perfectly dreadful one." "If you men only knew what we do to keep a marriage alive." "Watching Oprah all day so that we have something interesting to talk to you about." "Dressing like this to keep you excited." "Taking beauty naps to reverse the aging process and spending all your money so you feel like a good provider." "That is how I sacrifice for you, Al Bundy." "It is a thankless, exhausting job, but I do it and the only thing I ask in return is that you bring Dad back here and you failed." "You know what this means?" "No, Peg." "Not sex now, Peg." "No, Peg." "Peg, no." "Peg, please, I just need a little more time." "I'll find him." "I want you to help me give Mom a sitz bath." "Can't we have sex instead?" " Later." "Right now Mom needs her bath." " Okay." " Would you ever leave me, Al Bundy?" " First chance I get, Peg." "Fine." "Then you can scrub her front." "Can't you just feel the mist from the lake?" "Can I take this off now?" "Allow me." "I meant my blindfold, you horn-dog." "Not yet." "It will spoil the surprise." "Okay, now we're in the lobby walking past my trusted doorman, Rodney." "Rodney, this is Jamie." "Rodney, you lout." "Take that." "Sorry, Lord Bundy." "Okay, now we're getting into the elevator here." "Bud, it doesn't feel like it's going up." "Oh, it is." "So, what do you think?" "I think you did a great job fixing up your parent's basement." "When did you know?" "When you put the blindfold on me, sat in the driveway, and went for 20 minutes." "But I think what you did was very sweet and to tell you the truth, it turns me on." "And it is private." "So as they say at the lakefront, let's do the wiggly." "Everybody duck and cover, grandma got out of the tub she's about to shake herself dry." "There she blows."