"[Music playing]" "At 7:00, a meeting with His Holiness" "At the Plazo del Gubenaturato, and then a dinner" "At 8:00 to follow." "And to eat?" "What?" "The course." "Ah." "It was beef last time, perhaps fowl." "On a Tuesday?" "Nothing is guaranteed except cake." "The pontiff loves his cake." "Road block ahead, your eminence." "Rock slide ahead." "You'll have to wait here until it's clear." "I don't hear any machines." "Where are the other workers?" "Well then, tell Cardinal Ponti his bill" "Collectors have arrived." "Please, man." "You've gone back on your word." "Too bad that's not an official sin." "I could go through the usual channels." "All I want is what's mine." "My soul is no longer for sale." "One way or another, I will have you in Hell!" "Hey, hey, hey!" "Harry, I'm not gonna hurt you." "Oh, shit, man!" "[Screaming]" "Stop acting like a two year old!" "But you're scaring me, Dario!" "Dickhead!" "If I don't get some new leads, I'm out of a job," "And you're out of a job." "Some fucking job, you prick." "I was making more money when I was pimping your old lady." "Hey, don't mess with me, Harry." "I'm a scary man." "Ooh, all right, all right." "I surrender, oh lord of intense emotions." "I got your leads right here, man." "I'm sorry." "OK, but get this, man." "It's like these are all connected." "It's really fucked up, man." "It's something big." "Something really big." "All right, all right." "Terminator pope plans to nuke the Vatican." "OK, OK." "An 18-year-old brain is transplanted" "Into an 81-year-old's body." "And I quote, "I want to get to heaven fast," he says." "OK, OK." "Elvis caught in bed with Satan?" "Meat gone bad?" "Uh, freak boy loves his bathtub full of pudding, Perry." "Those stories have already been done." "But man, they're all connected!" "Don't you see?" "What's wrong with you?" "Forget it." "I'll find a goddamn story by myself." "Dario!" "Dick!" "Go to Hell!" "[Music playing]" "Ryan, I just heard the news." "Will you be all right?" "It's a temporary restationing." "Nothing more." "Yeah, but I know." "In USA?" "Cardinal Ponti's orders." "He wants to make a very public appearance there" "To drum up support." "I think it's a good idea." "Really?" "[Laughing]" "Be careful." "Don't worry." "Watch your back." "It seems if a betrayal is an order of business" "In Vatican City nowadays." "I'll be fine." "You lazy bum!" "Get the hell out of my house!" "Hey, hold on!" "Fuck you, Eugene!" "Don't call me Eugene!" "Hey, when are you gonna make some money" "And pay the rent around here?" "Work's been slow." "You're slow, you bastard!" "Hey, Art said I'd be getting the next head story." "He promised!" "Shut up, you wimp!" "Just one more week, Allie." "Please." "Fuck you, Eugene!" "Go to Hell!" "[Screaming]" "[Music playing]" "Why did His Eminence pull me off of this assignment?" "Cat, we had no idea that your cover as a performer" "Would go over so well." "Your fans don't even suspect your affiliations" "With the secret workings of Vatican City." "Things were just shaping up in there." "Yes, yes." "You were marvelous, weren't you?" "But Agent Powell had advised you not" "To get too close to your fans or your music." "After all, next week, you might find yourself" "In a nunnery in South America." "What do you mean?" "Cardinal Ponti has arranged for a public display of power" "In the United States." "You are a senior agent." "He wants you there as a security measure." "You leave tonight, and will meet with Agent Tango" "At a prearranged rendezvous." "Is she any good?" "Yes, well, you'll have to decide that for yourself." "And Cat, please." "No funny stuff this time." "The American press will be all over this," "And you know how much power they have over world events." "Hey, Ursula, is Art around?" "What?" "Is Art around?" "What?" "Is Art around?" "He's arguing the finer points with the art department." "Thanks, babe." "Thanks for thanking me." "So, uh, are you a female Elvis impersonator," "A female impersonator impersonating Elvis, or..." "Check this out." "It's like a Victor Victoria thing." "I'm a man impersonating a woman impersonating" "The king of rock and roll." "Oh, I see." "Oh, Dario." "Don't go in there, man." "Ken will be all over your ass like a big pair of undies." "The man is a spud." "Make sure Davecki knows we mean business." "We're dealing with a readership of..." "Dare," "What the hell are you doing?" "Playing cowboy." "Well, you can't do that here." "It's bad for business, you lousy screw!" "Dare, I want you in my office, now!" "Gee, Art, I didn't think you cared." "All right, Dare, what the hell's wrong with you?" "Got a lot of personal problems." "Yeah, you got that right." "Here." "Take a look at these covers." "Pretty good stuff." "Right?" "Huh?" "Nice and safe." "A little Michael Jackson." "A little celebrity dirt." "Not too outrageous." "And if we're feeling particularly feisty," "Maybe we'll even do an Elvis story." "Did you write any of these?" "No." "Now, take a look at these and see" "If you spot a recurring motif." "Huh?" "Look at this stuff." "The Vatican threatened a libel suit, Dare." "I mean, you can't go around saying that the Pope is a 5,000" "Year old hairdresser dropped on Earth by the Martians" "In the fifth century BC!" "But the facts!" "The proof spoke for itself!" "Oh, forget it, Dare." "This job just ain't your style." "Clean out your desk." "You can go." "Wait." "Right now, I'm..." "I'm in a slump." "I'll be the first to admit." "My girl kicked me out, and..." "Oh, look, is that all?" "You need a place to stay?" "Why don't you stay with your brother?" "Doesn't he have a big place?" "Anthony?" "Forget it!" "No way!" "I am not hanging out with that freak." "Well, my wife and I have a spare bedroom." "No one's using it right now, since my kid went off" "To tabloid journalism school." "So, uh..." "Yeah?" "[Growl]" "So here's $30." "Go get a motel." "Dare, we hired you on the basis of your experience" "With the paranormal, so I've decided to put you" "On the Cardinal Ponti story." "What?" "The guy's a fake!" "Any choir boy worth his weight I n wafers will tell you that!" "Well, he's coming to town in 36 hours," "And the guy always puts on a good show!" "Why don't you give me that UFO lead I was telling you about?" "Oh, Dare, we missed the last miracle the guy did." "He's a pariah." "People love that shit." "Catholics are our second biggest audience after homemakers." "Ponti makes the cash registers ring!" "So get out there!" "The guy's a fake." "Those miracles he does are just old tent revival gigs." "The man's practically a saint." "He's been shot at more times than he can count, and lived!" "Oh, and those assassination attempts are fake too," "Mr. Cannon." "The ballistic reports the FBI published are fake." "I got a guy on the inside." "And, uh, check this out, Art." "[Singing]" "Hey, that's a good angle." "Let me take that, Art!" "Art?" "No more conspiracies." "Give me pop stars!" "Professionalism!" "Photos!" "And proof!" "The golden Ps." "Isn't that P, S, P, F, and P?" "Oh, get the hell out of here." "And take that yodeling Elvisita with you!" "What the hell is this?" "MAN:" "Mecca Arena, get me the Skull." "No lacquer." "What are you going to do?" "Tell them, Dario." "Dario Dare here!" "Let me tell you something." "Jimmy the Skull?" "It's all over for you tonight at the Mecca!" "My man, the Rock and Roll Miracle... oh," "Let me just say this!" "1991 has been the year that rock and roll has been reborn!" "The Rock and Roll Miracle came down from the sky," "And he's looking right at you, Jimmy the Skull!" "Tonight, it's all over!" "Steel cage match, Jimmy!" "That's right." "I need a room." "Aye, we can do that for you, sir." "Say, you look just like that fellow." "Like..." "like..." "like Dario Dare, the wrestling fellow!" "You look just like him." "Yeah, I look like him, sound like him," "I even dress like him, too." "Man, I am Dario Dare." "What an honor!" "The Dario Dare in me very own bed and breakfast!" "You know, wrestling is me favorite sport." "How about that room?" "Aye, we got our best suite open." "Number seven." "Lucky seven." "Would you autograph this for me, please?" "To?" "Polo." "My name's Polo, like the game." "Or like that smelly stuff, the cologne." "Polo McCrimmin, of the clan McCrimmin." "To Polo." "So what are you doing now?" "Not enough." "A man with your reputation?" "I'm working for the National Explainer." "I'm a writer now." "The Explainer!" "That's me favorite magazine, lad!" "Would you... would you... would you sign this, too, please?" "To Polo." "Would you give me the fucking room now?" "Dario Dare." "[Laughing]" "You wrestling managers!" "You got such a way with the language!" "Sure, your room." "You rang?" "Aye." "Please take Mr. Dario Dare's things to our celebrity suite." "Which one is that?" "Number seven." "They're identical." "No they're not." "I don't have anything to, uh, carry." "Thanks anyways." "You could take me to my room, though." "This way, Dare." "That's Mr. Dare." "He's a celebrity." "This is the big night, Jimmy!" "It's all over!" "The little mask thing isn't going to work!" "The hokey pokey and the spookiness!" "Put your mojo bone away, pal." "It's all over." "Ring the bell." "Oh, the referee!" "I can hear him counting to three!" "You hear that, Jimmy?" "It's all over!" "Oh, boy!" "Celebrity, huh?" "Not anymore." "I'm a working guy now." "Sort of." "Hey, uh, want to step back later for a night cap?" "Here." "You're going to need this." "You know, I have the strange feeling" "I've seen you somewhere before." "Miss April, 1988." "I knew it!" "You have the greatest... ow." "[Phone ringing]" "MAN:" "Hey man, it's back in a motion" "Picture that will make you never want to see another film again." "Hello, Nancy, a tale of lust and honor in the Third Reich," "With Nancy, mistress extraordinaire" "On the Sieg Heil set." "She must come after the pastoral herd" "Animal love making montage, otherwise" "The motivation is for poo poo!" "[Phone ringing]" "Wait." "What is that effect?" "How could a phone be ringing?" "It's off the hook?" "It's your cell, Van Halen." "Pick it up." "Hello?" "Oh, Dario!" "What a super prize surprise!" "Hey, everybody!" "It's my brother!" "Listen, Tony." "I need..." "Please call me A Man, Dario." "You changed your name to A Man?" "What's wrong with my name?" "It's a name of stage and screen." "Everybody knows Dario isn't your real name, Eugene." "Eugene, Eugene, Eugene." "Fine." "Listen, A Man, Alison kicked me out, and..." "A monstrous decree of travesty has befallen my dear Dario." "The she wolf will pay for this." "Alison kicked you out of your own house?" "No, no, no." "She was perfectly justified in what she did." "Why, that little Sadian wench biscuit." "It's not your house?" "Well, I mean, you pay rent on the bloody thing." "It may as well be." "You don't?" "Oh." "Ho hum." "Maybe you can live with me, humble servant of Dionysus" "In the palace of pleasure." "Bedazzled by a glowing in my presence once again, brother!" "But you'd have to share a room with the mountain lion." "Hello?" "It appears his desires have changed." "Gino, where's my cappuccino?" "Why are you looking at me, you filthy thing?" "Get my cino!" "You are the ginkiest A Man!" "That's me." "Mm-hm." "[Laughing]" "Jimmy the Skull!" "You went down!" "Oh, you didn't last very long in that cage!" "One, two, three, it's all over!" "Rock!" "What's... what..." "Yeah!" "Hello, lady." "Welcome to Polo Celebrity Motel!" "Oh my God!" "Oh, God!" "Oh." "That's me favorite sport." "You like wrestling too, maybe?" "[Screaming]" "With the right person." "I need a room." "Very good." "Cash or credit?" "Ah." "We take this." "Miss, uh..." "Catalina Powers?" "Cat." "I knew it!" "You're that singer from New York, aren't you?" "Among other things." "How do you now?" "There isn't a whole lot to do out here in the sticks." "I read a lot." "I really loved your last CD." "Thank you, Miss?" "Tango." "Marian." "Uh, I read too, you know." "You read tabloids, Polo." "Not exactly Oscar Wilde." "Only the Explainer, lassie." "It's me favorite magazine!" "How long are you staying?" "Until my work is done." "Oh?" "What are you doing here in town?" "Ponti sent me." "Ponti?" "No need to play coy with me." "These bags contain your equipment" "And mission briefings." "The usual security measures apply." "Do you have a map of town?" "There's this." "Not very detailed." "I can't believe you're one of us." "The Cat Powers." "Sore?" "Take off your shoes." "Relax." "You can trust me." "I may be a secret agent for the Vatican, but I'm just a girl." "You are so amazing." "[Burp]" "[Burp]" "You seem very familiar to me." "Have I seen you in the academy?" "I modeled a few years ago for a couple of men's magazines." "Cardinal X wants this all to go off without a hitch." "Yes." "Do you understand your orders?" "Yes." "You got the greatest..." "Oh my god." "So, you ever thought about returning to the ring, lad?" "Hell no." "Are you kidding?" "It's too violent." "It nearly killed me." "Serious now?" "Oh, yeah." "Listen, I'm no fighter." "Writing for the Explainer is more respectable anyway." "Hmm." "What kind of stories they got you writing now?" "Some sports, but mostly reporting on the paranormal." "Aye, me cousin was a wee bit paranormal, too." "No, no, no." "It's like, the strange, the bizarre, the unexpected." "Well, you know, we've got a lot of that around here." "Really?" "The other night, down by the sausage factory," "I saw something that scared the bejeezus out of me!" "That... wait." "If I tell you, do I get to be in the Explainer," "Next to the two-headed lizard lovechild?" "Aye, I saw..." "Polo, what did you see?" "You know we're going?" "Oh, aye, sir." "Just you wait and see." "Great rocks, Polo." "Shh." "Get down." "You don't want them to hear you." "The rocks?" "The demons!" "Sit down." "It may be a while before we see them." "Sometimes, there will be groovy bright lights, too." "Maybe a space ship or something." "It'd make a great story." "Will the hotel get mentioned if it's printed, lad?" "[Snorting]" "That's them, lad!" "Fantastic." "They don't look like aliens." "It be the devil's work." "Yeah, well, Satan makes great press." "Got a built in audience of every God-fea..." "Where the hell are they?" "Do you think they've seen us, lad?" "Uh, yeah." "[Screaming]" "[Laughing]" "Took a wrong turn there, Dario." "You have an appointment in Hell." "Oh, shit!" "[Non-english speech]" "[Laughing]" "Eat this!" "Bloody hell, let's get out of here!" "Damn it, lad, that was close." "Well, Cannon's got his story now!" "I don't understand." "You go to this quarry, and these robed demons chase you," "And then you run into this guy with a hat..." "A hard hat." "And then he says something in a... in a..." "Weird otherworldly voice!" "How many of those beers have you guys had?" "Damn it, lassie, it was real!" "Mr. Dare, he's got pictures to prove it!" "Is this true?" "It is, my dear." "It is." "You have failed." "How could you fail?" "Their strength is great, master." "You ruined my robe, great one." "Silence!" "No excuses!" "It's falling apart, just time." "Get there, and get him alone." "The robed creatures, along with their supernaturally endowed" "Suited accomplice, all seem to add up to... yeah!" "Get him!" "Get him!" "Get him, get him, get him!" "[Shouting]" "Don't open this door for anyone." "Why?" "Those guys are full of shit, aren't they?" "Maybe." "Come on, you bastards!" "I know you're out there!" "Come and fight me!" "What are you doing out here?" "Uh, protecting you ladies." "Super." "And the honor of the Clan McCrimmin." "Bozo." "[Screaming]" "[Screaming]" "Ow." "Idiot." "What took you so long?" "I'm tired." "Huh?" "[Gunshots]" "Hey!" "Stop it!" "That hurts!" "Quit it!" "Stop it!" "Whoa, Mr. Dare." "Report." "We have Dario Dare, my lord, but we" "Got more than we bargained for." "One Polo Angus McCrimmin, motel owner, and Catalina" "Powers, agent of Vatican City." "Vatican, eh?" "Erase Miss Powers from existence." "Don't want any of those fruitcakes down here." "Enslave McCrimmin on Level D. And as for Dario," "Strip him and bring him before me!" "Sign in!" "Greetings, Dario." "You look like hell." "[Laughter]" "What is this place?" "Let's just say you went south." "Come on, guess." "Guess." "What, no?" "It's Hell!" "I'm not surprised." "I lived my life the way I wanted to." "Oh, you're not dead." "And I suppose you're not Satan." "You flatter me." "Beazley." "Bob Beazley." "Bob Beazley." "Beazley Bob." "Beelzebub." "Very funny." "Prove it." "Prove that any of this is real." "We are a very shapers of reality." "Each and every one of us." "For example, you and I both know that professional wrestling" "Is real, but how many people claim otherwise?" "And how many people have laughed off the National Explainer" "As a rag full of lies?" "Hey, everything I write is the God honest truth!" "No offense." "People put down the National Explainer" "Because it doesn't fit in with their predetermined" "Sense of reality." "Just because people haven't seen a Bigfoot in person," "They assume it doesn't exist." "But the very same individuals will never" "See a platypus or an emu in person," "But believe in them unquestioningly." "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "I've said that too." "But listen, Bob." "This whole Ronnie James Dio playhouse you got here?" "Um, I'm not buying it." "I admit you had me hooked here for a while," "But when that broad came in with the gun firing blanks?" "I mean, come on, guys." "It's not even Halloween." "I'm sorry, but the Shriners put on a better spook show" "Than you dudes." "Hey!" "[Screaming]" "[Laughter]" "Fuck you, Bobby, my man!" "That's the Dario Dare I know and love." "Now look, chum, I'll make this painfully obvious to you." "I need you." "You are going on a mission..." "An assassination, to be exact." "You are to terminate Cardinal Giancarlo Ponti" "And bring his soul to me." "Sorry, Bob." "You got the wrong guy." "I'm a reporter, not a lone nut." "Besides, can't you guys kill him yourself?" "You don't need a killer." "You need a patsy." "Oh, we tried the usual paths." "But his powers are the equal of my own by now." "Only a surprise attack will work." "No more of this frontal assault nonsense." "Powers?" "But I thought..." "Oh, it's real, Mr. Dare." "Ponti and I had a deal." "I gave him some minor powers in exchange for his soul." "A routine transaction." "Bait and switch, as we call it down here." "And now, as usual, the asshole wants to keep his little soul." "You mean all his miracles are Hell powered?" "Far out." "I knew that Ponti wasn't as pure as Perrier." "But what does he want?" "He wants to be Pope." "Pope is power." "Some men will do anything to be in a position of leadership." "And what do you get?" "Even." "Oh, I had aspirations." "An agent of Satan in the Vatican, a car in every garage," "A baby in every stove." "You see, soul ownership is a bit of a trade here in Hell," "And I've got some real winners in my collection." "The Marquis de Sade, Edgar Allen Poe, John Holmes, Liberace." "That's how I got this palace." "Overachievement!" "In the service of our King Satan." "And do you know what my crowning Earthly achievement was?" "What?" "Jonestown." "The Guyana tragedy." "You did Jonestown?" "Let's just say I had agreements with a few key people." "Kool-Aid, Mr. Dare?" "Later." "Ponti would have been my masterpiece." "[Grunt] A toast to all my friends, and to you," "Dare, for taking the job." "I'm not taking the job." "Oh, too late to back out now, old chum." "I have something you want." "Look familiar?" "Oh, I suppose not." "You've never seen a soul before." "It's yours, Dario." "Shake shake shake, shake shake shake, shake your soul jar!" "Well, it's a bit tarnished, and a little bit smaller" "Than when you first started." "But it must mean something to you." "What now, goddammit?" "Missile attack, my liege!" "Mistress Gumbata is at it again!" "Gumbata!" "Ow!" "Ow!" "Enough!" "Playtime is over." "So long, Dario." "We'll be in touch." "Dickhead." "I don't care about security." "I want to speak to Cardinal X, Vatican facilitator right now." "I've got a missing agent on my hands." "Agent Tango, why are you using an unsecured line?" "X?" "Screw you." "I'm not in the mood for formalities." "What did you do with Cat Powers?" "Why would we do anything to one of our own operatives, Maria?" "Now, tell me where you are." "So you can have me eliminated too?" "Cat Powers left the motel at 11:36 in full battle dress." "Where did you send her?" "Surely I don't know what you're talking about." "We've issued no orders of any kind" "From this office in the last 10 hours." "Now get a grip." "Cardinal Ponti will be arriving in just a few hours." "A few hours?" "[Muffled shout]" "Didn't you read the briefing yet?" "Tango?" "Tango!" "It's me, Your Holiness." "You idiot!" "Get Tango out of sight now!" "[Screaming]" "Check me out!" "I'm not naked!" "No one naked over here!" "Not naked." "Yeah." "Check me out, because I'm not naked!" "Yeah!" "No one naked over here." "BOB (VOICEOVER):" "This is your mission, Dare." "Should you decide not to accept it, your soul will rot in Hell," "Your body will become demonized, zombified," "And eventually give out." "So don't waste any time reporting" "This to the authorities, or trying" "To get anyone on your side." "This the Hellion 7,000 sniper rifle." "Bolt action, 7.62 millimeter, with an eight power scope" "And a specially outfitted soul catcher... the chrome cylinder" "You see before you." "When fired at a living human, the bullet takes the life" "While the soul catcher attracts the life" "Force contained therein." "It's simple, Mr. Dare." "His life for yours." "His soul for your own." "Just shoot straight and leave the rest to the soul catcher." "At the moment the soul catcher is occupied," "We will teleport you back to hell" "And reunite you with your soul." "Sounds peachy, huh?" "Don't mess it up." "Too tight?" "Ow." "Too bad." "Your reputation precedes you, Marion." "Three years in Laos, two in Costa Rica." "Personal assistant to Bishop Schikel Gruber in Berlin?" "Quite a dossier." "If you two are that fond of me, a simple fan letter" "Would have sufficed." "Idolatry is a sin, Miss Tango." "But so is killing, and that hasn't stopped us yet." "As long as we confess afterwards," "I suppose there isn't anything we" "Won't do in the line of duty." "A quote comes to mind." "Kill them all." "God will know his own." "Arnold Amelrick Pabelaget, 12:08." "You guys are crazier than you look, you know that?" "Take Cardinal Ponti, for instance." "A real up and comer, they say." "A shoo-in for the [inaudible], the next Pope." "Let's just say he hasn't got a prayer." "Not with his cheap bodyguards out of the way." "So what do you think you can get away with?" "This is the 20th century, in case you haven't been counting." "The Holy See transcends time, my dear." "Since when have local laws and rules of etiquette" "Applied to its membership?" "The Pope is the last true sovereign figure" "In all of Europe!" "Are you paying attention?" "She could confess at any moment!" "You're ranting." "I am not ranting." "I am warming her up." "What is this?" "Good agent, bad agent?" "Hey, handsome, give me a hit off that shake." "God, how could you?" "Sharing straws." "Ugh!" "Do you mind?" "Go sit down." "There's just a few things we need to know if our plan is" "To go off without a hitch." "MAN:" "Finally, the JFK board game was here." "I've been waiting six weeks for this thing." "[Knocking]" "Come in!" " Hey, Kirk." " Dario!" "I don't believe it." "You're just in time!" "I invited you over here five years ago, man," "And you're finally here." "I just..." "look what I just got!" "The JFK board game!" "You're just in time to play it." "Oh, this is great." "You want anything?" "Like some ice cubes, or..." "Oh, hey, muffins!" "Muffins, muffins, oh, hey!" "Yeah." "Those are... those are my muffins." "No, those are my muffins, Dario." "Jesus Christ, man." "Special, uh... special muffins for me." "You're a big conspiracy nut, right?" "Oh, am I?" "Oh, god, you wouldn't believe it!" "I mean, I got books, tapes, CD-ROM, cassettes." "I mean, I got a subscription to Paranoid Creep Magazine, even." "I mean, you can ask me any question you want." "Any question." "Go ahead." "Like who did the autopsy on Kennedy" "At the Bethesda Naval Hospital and then" "Burned all of his notes?" "Go ahead, ask me." "Who?" "I don't know, but I can look it up." "I got it right here." "Uh, here it is." "Humes." "Commander James Humes." "No." "He's the guy who... he..." "He burned his notes," "And... oh, man." "I know." "Amazing." "I want you to go to the Basilica" "And take some pictures for me." "Get a camera." "Take some pictures for me of Ponti." "Oh, no, that's your story." "Cannon gave it to you." "That's not... that's your story." "Yeah, but how many pictures have" "You seen of Ponti with his head exploded" "From a sniper's bullet?" "What are you talking about?" "Well, if you just show up at the Basilica with some" "Pictures of Ponti, for me..." "Yeah?" "You will have the scoop of the century." "Huh." "Yeah." "Yeah." "[Laughter]" "Yeah." "Can you do that for me?" " Yeah." " Yeah?" " Yeah." " By the way." " Yeah?" " Jim Jones?" "Yeah?" "The Kool-Aid is green and not red." "You owe me $5.00." "I'll pick it up later." "Oh." "Don't forget, an hour from now." "Basilica!" "Be there!" "I'll be here if you want to come over in five years." "I'll..." "Be there in an hour!" "Oh, yeah!" "I'll see you." "This is XD253, a truth drug engineered right" "Here in the United States." "Used successfully numerous times on intelligence gathering" "Missions such as this." "You guys can use about as much intelligence as you can gather." "It would be wise to keep your mouth shut while you can," "For as soon as the XD253 reaches your brain," "You're going to be doing a lot of talking that" "You'll wish that you weren't." "Oh, baby, I get her when you're finished." "Uh, yeah." "You look like you could make me sing without any fancy needles" "Or formulas." "How about you and I abscond to the next room for a little tete" "A tete?" "What's abscond mean?" "She's trying to trick you." "Forget it!" "I'm gonna do it to her now!" "What are you..." "Relax." "Idiot!" "This is a complete waste of time." "Maybe for you it is." "Can I at least ask you some questions?" "It's your thing!" "Go ahead." "Where is your partner?" "Here I come, baby." "Now I'll try again." "Where is Cat Powers?" "Ow!" "I don't know!" "I thought Cardinal X..." "Cardinal X?" "Cardinal X what?" "Took her." "Oh my god." "So wait, you do or you don't know where she is?" "Is that yes to the first and no to the second, or..." "Could you stop talking?" "I'm trying to pay attention." "What is the Cardinal's itinerary?" "I don't know that either!" "I haven't read it yet." "By the merciful son of God, don't you know anything?" "I don't think so!" "[Groaning] Thank you very much!" "Baby!" "Thanks, sweetheart." "You're a real charmer." "Hey, uh, what can I get you for lunch?" "Corn dogs?" "Finally, back on schedule!" "I can't." "[Screaming]" "[Laughing]" "You know, I read every manual on torture" "In the Vatican library." "Really." "I just finished last week, oh, what was it?" "Um, Malleus Maleficarum." "Oh, what a book." "Words to live by!" "Now, an opportunity to use that knowledge." "What luck!" "You, my dear, are a door." "Your body, your mouth, your lips," "All are a doorway to the knowledge that lies within." "Now I just need to find that key." "What is your key?" "What do I need to twist to get you to give up your secrets?" "No fair." "Oh, yes!" "Oh, come to papa!" "Bet she's got some some hot panties on!" "Oh, she's the one." "Oh yeah!" "No, that one!" "That's the one!" "Oh, yeah." "Fucking lone nuts." "Damned if you do, damned if you don't." "Oh my god!" "[Groan]" "[Groaning]" "All right, Beazley, or whoever the hell you are!" "I did my job!" "Now give me back my soul!" "Give it back!" "Mr. Johnson, do you have any connections with the Vatican?" "The Vatican?" "I'm not even Catholic." "Uh, how about a militia group?" "Do you belong to a militia group?" "No, I'm a security guard." "I work for Stone Security." "Any idea what... what groups may be involved" "In this particular conspiracy?" "No, I have no idea at this time what other groups may" "Be involved in this conspiracy." "Is it true that you have not found a murder weapon yet?" "Yes, it is true we have not found a murder weapon yet." "Do you have any other targets besides the Cardinal?" "No, you're not listening!" "I didn't shoot anyone!" "I didn't shoot the Cardinal." "Why would I have other targets?" "I'm a patsy." "I need a lawyer." "[Shouting]" "[Screaming]" "Security cameras and witnesses at the scene" "Corroborate the presence of this man, suspected to be" "Joey Ramone, rock musician and member of the band Ramones." "If you have any clues as to the whereabouts of Joey Ramone," "Please call the number on your screen." "Then, out of the corner of my eye," "I spot the rifle barrel coming into view" "On top of the Warren building!" "Boom!" "Bravely into the hail of bullets I went, charging ahead," "My camera rattling off shot after shot." "And before I know it, I got the photographs of the decade!" "I tell you, Ponti's not dead." "He's gonna pull a Christ in three days." "According to this diagram I had the boys at the lab" "Draw up for me, there were two gunmen." "As an overwhelming number of witnesses say," "There were two shots fired, one from on top" "Of the Warren building, the other across" "At the gas and power office." "The paths of the bullets fired, along with the street" "In front of the Basilica, form a pyramid." "Which is the symbol used by the Freemasons!" "Which means CIA." "What about his palm print on the rifle?" "Ah, forget about it." "The paraffin tests on James Johnson's hands were positive." "Positive for what?" "He fired a rifle today." "Guilty." "Johnson didn't do it!" "Patsy!" "Guilty!" "Patsy!" "Guilty!" "Patsy, patsy, conspiracy, conspiracy!" "Well, if he didn't do it, then who did?" "[Groaning]" "Dare, where the hell have you been?" "I thought that was your goddamn story!" "I mean, what the Christ?" "Oh, it's my story, all right." "But I could do one better." "Disillusioned Catholic kid, spirited to Satan's court," "Forced to commit acts of murder in order to save soul." "Kills member of the Roman Catholic Church." "Dare, I said no more bullshit fantasy stories." "Kuric Camp here managed to get the major league" "Snaps today at the Plaza." "He's not feeding me a line of crap like you." "Oh, but then it gets better." "Devil goes back on his word." "Kid becomes demonized." "Kid kills his boss!" "Wait, wait, wait a minute." "What are you doing?" "Wait, wait, hold it, hold it!" "[Screaming]" "[Thunder]" "[Screaming]" "If I can't kill him, I'll settle for all of your panties." "[Laughing]" "[Screaming]" "I think Dario killed the Cardinal, Mr. Cannon." "No fucking shit!" "I think he was working for the... the builder" "Burgers or Rosicrucians." "J. Jonah Jesus on a... on a dangling rubber crutch!" "Did anybody get that?" "Get the printer on the line and hold the front page!" "We're going exclusive on this!" "[Laughing]" "Rock!" "I thought I might find you here." "Why?" "Star reporter?" "Shit, I gotta ask for more money." "Kid, I know you better than anyone," "And I know you may be a misogynistic caveman, a" "Stupid pervert, and a knothead." "But you're not evil." "What the hell's going on with you, man?" "I lost my soul, Rock and Roll." "It's gone." "It's rotting in Hell for all eternity." "OK, maybe." "But you're a man with friends, and a man with friends" "Can work his way through any situation." "Well, eventually." "I want to be good again, Rock!" "I want to be the good guy!" "I want to go into that ring, guaranteed victory!" "No more this designated loser crap." "You can do it." "Impossible." "It'll take some kind of miracle for me to get my soul back now." "Oh, you got the magic, kid." "It's inside you." "It's inside us." "It's family." "What are you talking about?" "You got a big question, right?" "A big Q?" "Yeah." "What's every Q have?" "An answer." "An A, man." "A Man!" "My brother Anthony!" "Of course!" "You're coming with me, right?" "Nope." "Then what's with all this friends can help you shit?" "[Laughing] Screw that!" "I got better things to do than be killed with you, you" "Little butt." "At least give me a ride." "Forget it." "Start again." "Rethink it." "Yes, yes, more of that!" "Excellent!" "Excellent!" "Oh, yeah!" "Big company." "Oh, more of that." "Yes!" "Yeah, that's it." "Yes." "Let it go." "That's it." "Get the hair back, get the hair back." "Excellent." "I like it!" "Yeah!" "Make it pop." "Looks like crap." "Edge, who is this victim?" "Will someone please shoot him with a gun?" "Oh, no killing, no killing!" "He is mine." "He is my blood." "He comes in here again, he's going" "To be blood all over the floor." "All right." "Ava Maria." "Take five." "Take five." "Dario, oh cheeky one, how many times have I told" "You never to interrupt my work?" "Never." "You never said that, ever." "I need your help, Tony." "Please address me as A Man, Dario," "Especially in the presence of my entourage." "Entourage?" "Aren't these the people that used to work" "With you at the Dairy Queen?" "I should say not!" "These are some of the high fashion" "Models lucky enough to be photographed at my site today." "Aren't they super?" "[Growling] Anyone willing to part with their panties today?" "My doctor recommends it!" "Say, I have a problem." "You can say that again." "By the way, did you say my name with a capital A," "Or with a small A?" "Will you knock it off with that A shit?" "Oh, what a drag you are, my brother." "Hey, do you still have that book?" "That one by John D. That was found in Austria?" "This one?" "You bet, baby." "Great bedside reading when I'm entertaining members" "Of the local witches coven!" "I need to go to Hell." "You're here, man, you're here!" "No, I'm serious." "I was just there." "Now I need to go back and settle some business" "With Bob Beazley, a very powerful and influential demon." "Now, if you don't mind, we need to do this pretty damn quick," "Because I'm turning into Eddie fucking Munster." "Zounds!" "What an accessory!" "It's beautiful." "Why would you want to... can I touch it?" "Maybe we can use you in the spread." "Just give me the damn spellbook!" "No." "Teddy, can we use the studio tonight" "To perform a mystical incantation" "Designed to send my brother to the very pits of Hell?" "No." "We will perform the most magical ceremonies" "This very eve!" "Get your things, my mystical confidants." "We begin at once!" "[Cheering]" "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned." "It's been zero zero five niner since my last confession." "Agent Tango?" "I know who killed Cardinal Ponti." "I was there when it happened." "And it wasn't that guy on television," "And it wasn't the dark haired agent on the roof of the gas" "And power building, either." "It was Dario Dare." "Dario?" "Dare." "He's a tabloid journalist." "He's a weaselly little man." "Hardly significant." "And certainly not an agent or a hired gun." "I'm sure he did it." "The only thing I can't be sure of is why." "I think it has something to do with the attempt" "On Ponti's life last month at Castrovillari." "At which you were also present." "Well, I didn't include this in my official report," "But they were robed soldiers there." "Men." "Dead men." "Raised by some unholy power." "And Dare had congress with them the night" "Before the assassination, when he" "Met the man with the hard hat." "The man in the hard hat?" "Oh, I know this all sounds ridiculous," "But Dare is the shooter at Basilica Plaza!" "I know that!" "Now I just need to determine if he's" "Involved with the anti-Ponti constituent at Vatican City." "I think you should come with me, Marion." "Cardinal X will be very interested in your findings." "What do you mean?" "We see it somewhat differently, Agent Tango." "First, the incident at Castrovillari" "When you failed to protect Cardinal Ponti," "Stands as a noticeable but forgivable" "Blemish on your record." "Then, I'm disturbed by the unexplained disappearance" "Of Agent Catalina Powers from your remote station." "Are you suggesting that I had something to do with it?" "Then, when he was under your protection," "The absolutely inexcusable public execution" "Of a member of the Holy Roman Catholic Church." "I have no option but to take you in for further questioning." "Please, no flash photography during the event." "OK, so how's this work?" "First, we sit on the ancient stone." "It's styrofoam." "Ancient stone!" "Pretend!" "Before we send you to the darkness of the great pit," "We need to bring you a little sunshine!" "Hey!" "How now, my brother?" "The demon in you is strong." "To kill you will take extreme measures." "Thank you, Kristen." "Get that shit away from me!" "Blasphemer!" "Body of Christ!" "[Growling]" "Blood of Christ." "[Gagging]" "It has begun." "Hey!" "Tony, get these chains off of me!" "Goomba, he lives!" "[Applause]" "No thanks to you." "Oh, please." "I rock the material and the spiritual world." "Sorry about the anguish, but it's only part of the process." "Do you want to go to the burning hell or not?" "But first, you must dress the part." "Come!" "Much improved." "My brother dresses me funny." "Can you believe this?" "And also, a gift, to help you on your way." "Oh, candy!" "[Non-english speech]" "I didn't know he was multidenominational." "I call upon the powers of good and evil!" "Hear me, powers, and know that this priest means business!" "[Non-english speech]" "Hey, man." "You're doing it wrong." "What?" "The chant." "It's [non-english speech]." "Dionysus!" "Oh, great god of all that is super!" "How's it going?" "Dionysus?" "Oh, please, Dario." "Everyone knows he's my patron god." "My apologies, oh partying one." "My lame-o brother knoweth not what he speaketh." "Your guidance is always welcome." "Thank you, A Man." "But you know, my assistance is not without its cost." "Not you." "Not you." "Oh, you, beauties, come to me." "[Laughter]" "Ciao, mi amores." "Godspeed, Dario." "Dickhead." "Bing, bang, boom." "Deus ex machina special effect." "OK, Dario has gone into Hell." "Wait." "Can't send mortals into hell without special help." "I'll lend him my ivory chariot." "Nope, not insured for mortals." "Uh." "Oh!" "I'll give him some able-bodied help." "Miss Marion Tango." "Mm-hmm." "Yeah." "Hey, you're that maid at Polo's motel!" "What the fuck are you doing here?" "Why did you kill Cardinal Ponti?" "Cardinal Ponti was my benefactor," "And it's my job to protect him!" "And it's my job to see that the man who shot him" "Is brought to justice." "Is that before or after you get done cleaning motel rooms?" "I'm not a maid!" "Good, because those rooms sucked!" "Are you trying to deny it?" "Listen, lady, I was just doing my job." "And I'm doing my job." "So I'm going to bring you to justice." "Now put your hands up on your head and come along quietly." "Come quietly where?" "This is Hell!" "And since when do motel maids go around enforcing the law?" "Uh-uh!" "I am not a maid!" "I am an agent of Vatican City." "Vatican?" "You mean pope, tall hat, and stick Vatican?" "So what?" "Don't you have any remorse for what you did?" "I'm in Hell, aren't I?" "That should tell you something." "So this is Hell." "Could be worse." "I guess I expected something more dramatic." "More fire or something." "Is it all like this?" "No." "There's a palace up ahead." "How did we get down here, anyway?" "My a-hole brother did a spell on me." "Why did you let your brother send you to Hell?" "Look, some guy stole my soul." "He's holding it ransom." "Only I paid that ransom, and that" "Was killing Cardinal Ponti." "And he still won't give it back, OK?" "Get up to speed on this." "I'm only here to get my soul back." "Got it?" "So am I dead?" "Oh, Christ." "No more questions!" "Boss, boss, white alert." "Two humans spotted in the Elysian Plain." "What?" "MAN (ON INTERCOM):" "Human beings approaching the palace." "Patch it in." "Blood red, Dario Dare, how did he get here?" "[Screaming]" "There he is." "Cat?" "You're alive!" "Well, sort of." "You are alive, aren't you?" "Alive, dead." "We're in Hell." "Well, come along with us." "We're getting out of this place." "Dare knows the way." "Hey." "How are you doing?" "I can't." "My people need me." "I found my true calling." "I don't understand." "I'm saving souls." "That's what I joined the Vatican for." "That's what it used to mean before people like Cardinal X" "Turned it into an assassin's cult." "So you knew about the plot to kill Ponti." "I suspected." "No, the world of the living isn't is for me." "My underground railroad is doing far more good here than I" "Could have ever done topside." "Good luck, Marion Tango." "And I hope someday you find what you're looking for, too." "Hey, wait a minute!" "How do you rate?" "I had to kill a cardinal to get out of Beazley's palace!" "What did you do?" "I killed a few guards." "Damn, I should have thought of that!" "My candles!" "Hey!" "Hey!" "Let's go!" "Hey!" "Yes." "Look, dearie, I've been here before." "I know the way out of here." "Stick with me." "I'll protect you." "Thanks, but no thanks." "What makes you think I can trust you, anyway?" "Does this look like the face of a liar?" "Whoa!" "My everything!" "An idiot, maybe." "Did you watch, uh, Lawrence Welk last night?" "Are you kidding?" "It's the closest thing to music we've got down here. [Humming]" "Ugh, can't you smell that?" "Choose not to." "Besides, it's going to get a lot worse than that upstairs." "Lord Kuric, an intruder has entered the palace." "You must find and dispatch him with violent haste." "Come on!" "Hey, you don't belong in here." "This is a restricted area." "Commander, I'm relieving you of your duties." "Who are you?" "Dario Dare, motherfucker!" "Bam!" "You." "Hey." "You're Dario Dare." "I was just telling the guys down in torture" "That if anybody would end up down here, it'd be Dario Dare." "Can I get your autograph?" "Wow." "Thanks." "So, uh, Gus, how's this setup of yours work?" "Well, you've got the map here, and then you've" "Got the switch up here where you lock on your coordinates" "And hit your target." "Then you hit this button, and major damage!" "[Phone ringing]" "Yes?" "Sir, Dare is in the missile command center." "[Growling]" "Lord Kuric, Dare is in the missile command center!" "Get him at all costs!" "Stop at nothing!" "Targets locked on." "Gambada's [inaudible]." "Gambada?" "Lock and load." "Launch 'em, baby." "Missiles away." "What?" "These disguises aren't going to help." "If this Gambada has missiles and counterattacks," "This place is gonna be hopping." "They're not going to worry about little old us." "Yeah, and I can get my soul back." "With only minor setbacks!" "Who's this?" "A minor setback." "You have been a very naughty boy." "My lord Beezley has sent me, and Kuric, his errand boy," "To wreak exquisite pain upon your naughty little behinds." "Which one do you want?" "I'll take the French guy." "You get the quarterback." "Sorry, my sweet, but I called dibs on Dario, dear." "Bleh!" "Un." "Deux." "[Laughing]" "Trois!" "[Screaming]" "So, you are ready to play, huh?" "Don't worry, I won't break anything important yet." "I'm a very big fan of yours, Mr. Dare." "This is a very big honor for me." "I've seen everything that you do on the wrestling." "Very violent." "I like it a lot." "But you know, I've always wondered," "You do that thing with that girl in Michigan, that blonde?" "How did you learn that?" "I've never even seen that before." "Very incredible." "Do you mind if I use that?" "Oh, sacre bleu, you stepped on my foot!" "[Screaming]" "Merde!" "[Screaming]" "[Explosion]" "[Shouting]" "Thank you." "Right." "No, I mean it." "OK, sure." "Idiot demon boy saves ex-centerfold nun." "Now, everything's fine." "I'm not a nun." "No?" "Does that mean you're..." "What?" "Celibate?" "No." "Are you?" "Hell no." "I gave that up for Lent." "Are... you wanna..." "You're gonna have to try a lot harder than that." "Oh, I will." "[Shouting]" "Polo?" "Mr. Dare!" "Marion!" "Sorry about trying to kill you." "What are you doing here?" "I'm here to save my soul." "Well, it's a strange place for that, lad." "This is Hell." "Are you dead too, then?" "I don't..." "I'm not dead!" "Neither are you!" "You got sucked down here when I did!" "Sucked down into Hell?" "I don't remember that." "All I remember is fighting, fighting, fighting!" "I've taken over this whole level!" "It's mine now!" "I reign supreme!" "Polo McCrimmon's level in Hell!" "How do you like it?" "It's terrific." "It's a... it's a real fixer upper opportunity." "But do you know where the souls are" "So that we can get out of here?" "Souls?" "Ah, I think so." "But, uh... oh, I don't remember." "But I'll help you find them, or I'm not Polo McCrimmon" "Of the Clan McCrimmon!" "Yeah!" "Yeah!" "Welcome to the romper room." "Kuric?" "Where can he be?" "Kuric, do you read me?" "Sir, more bad news." "It's Mistress Gambada for you." "Oh, what does she want?" "Ah, oh my dear, dear Gambada." "You look positively radiant today." "Ooh." "I like what you've done with the place." "Shut your shithole and listen good, Beezley Bubba." "I'm not radiant." "I'm radiated!" "And can you guess why?" "Perhaps it was that volley of missiles your boys just" "Shot at my palace." "Hmm?" "Well, let me tell you this, you stupid sack of maggot sputum." "In 16 minutes, you're going to be crying for mommy," "Because I'm going to pump enough labidium" "Warheads up your tiny lying ass to fill the Durham Canyon." "How do you like me now?" "That's Cardinal Ponti!" "Why are they doing this to him?" "He's been conditioned." "Converted into one of Beezley's supreme guard," "There's a ton of warriors." "Those are the same warriors that Mr. Dare and I saw" "In that bright green field on that fine summer day," "Long, long ago." "You remember." "Isn't that sweet?" "You remember that." "Why can't you remember where the fucking souls are?" "Shh!" "Why would he... he, a man of God... end up here?" "You know those little miracles Ponti did?" "He made a deal with Beelzebub." "Didn't keep his end of the bargain." "I can't believe he sold out." "Buck up, little trooper." "There's a lesson to be learned here." "Always be brave and true?" "Always side with the powers of good?" "Always read the fine print." "Wanna bring your earplugs." "[Shouting]" "BOB (ON INTERCOM):" "Ahem." "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your leader speaking." "In just under six minutes, this palace will be" "Vaporized by incoming missiles." "That is the good news." "The bad news is that since this is Hell," "We will all survive and spend the next several centuries" "Healing and then rebuilding the palace from scratch." "Lock and load?" "Missiles away?" "Sounded like a good idea!" "Quit bitching!" "Start running!" "BOB (ON INTERCOM):" "By the way, if the renegade mortals wish" "To know, this excludes them." "They will evaporate for all eternity, wiped clean" "From all metaphysical slates." "No afterlife, no reincarnation, no nothing." "So screw you, Dare." "I win anyway." "Oh, Mr. Dare." "When I killed the Satono, captain on the level..." "On Polo McCrimmon's level of Hell..." "I overheard something about the chamber of souls!" "Which is?" "A chamber!" "Yes?" "Where the souls are kept!" "I know that, you moron!" "Where is it?" "Um, level 92!" "[Laughter]" "[Explosions]" "Not a chance in Hell, Dare." "In four minutes, you and your earthly friends" "Will be scattered to the winds of Hell. [Inaudible]" "For all eternity." "While despite your great efforts," "Things will go as they always have here, with me in charge," "And fools like you cowering at my feet." "Only four minutes?" "Oh, three minutes, 40 seconds." "That doesn't leave much time for me to kick your ass." "You!" "You tricked my boss!" "And stole my soul!" "And have a really sloppy palace!" "I'll have to redecorate extensively" "When I take it over!" "Your enthusiasm is priceless." "It really is." "Pointless, but touching." "For those about to rock, we salute you." "[Gunshots]" "Come on." "Come to me, you little mortal prick." "[Screaming]" "[Groaning]" "[Shouting]" "Oh!" "[Scream]" "[Shouting]" "[Screaming]" "[Screaming]" "[Shouting]" "Do you have anything left, lassie?" "Just holy water." "Throw it!" "[Screaming]" "Dare, come on!" "That can't be right." "[Explosion]" "Oh, no!" "God, who cares?" "Put that back." "Oh, that can't be good." "Oh, they're all messed up!" "No." "It's going in." "Quiet." "This'll work." "I know it will." "Ew." "Bleh!" "Brother, run!" "[Laughing]" "Agent Tango." "I should've known that you'd be associating yourself" "With these devil worshippers." "Who are you?" "Cardinal X, also known as Father Ignatius Khan," "And the Archbishop of Brooklyn." "And the man who arranged his own assassination" "Of Cardinal Ponti." "Very good." "You always were a quick learner." "But you see, Cardinal Ponti was in league with Lucifer." "Uh, Beelzebub, actually." "He had to die before he could rise" "To leadership of the Holy See." "Thou shall not kill!" "Except, it is the way that it has always been." "Then I'll take my information to the... to the press." "You already have." "And who are you?" "I'm the big bad wolf. [Howl]" "I will give you one more chance to get back with us." "No reprimands." "Just resume your duties, and we can" "All get on with our business." "It's your business." "It's not my business anymore." "Fine." "Then I will file for the order for your excommunication" "From this church." "Ooh, now we're really scared!" "[Groan]" "You don't have a case, Miss Tango." "Oh, Mr. Dare, what's it like to be kicked in the groin" "By a holy man!" "Like this!" "Not much different." "OK, everybody." "We made it." "Cake and ice cream for everyone!" "I'll get to the A car!" "Whoo!" "Well, we made it." "Barely." "Aye." "But I knew we would." "Why?" "Because we're the good guys, lad!" "What about all that Polo McCrimmon's level of Hell" "Stuff?" "A man can dream, can't he?" "Sorry about getting you excommunicated." "Yeah." "What does that mean, anyway?" "Uh, well, I can't get married in a Catholic church." "That's OK." "We can do it somewhere else." "Well, it's over now." "I wonder what happened to Beezley." "I dread the events of the future," "Not in themselves, but in their results." "I shudder at the thought of any, even the most trivial" "Incident, which may operate upon this intolerable" "Agitation a soul." "What?" "Not but this, my little rosebud." "Not but this." "Anticipating cruel pleasures and sweet blasphemies" "To wreak upon our naughty little behinds." "Mr. Dare, are you all right?" "I..." "I don't know." "I..." "I..." "I wish my brother George was here." "[Coughing]" "De Sade, Poe, Edgar, Liberace?" "[Laughter]" "[Rumbling]" "[Explosion]" "[Music playing]"