"Well, isn't this splendid and absolutely tufty?" "New Year's Eve 1999, a newcentury and a newmillennium." "Let's drink a great big slurpy toast to global peace and understanding." "Bravo!" "After all, ifhistory teaches us anything, it is that, in the words of St. Burt," ""What the world needs now, is love, sweet love."" " Hear, hear." " Total codswallop." "Lfhistory has taught us anything, it is that the story of man is one long round of death and torture, and burning people as witches just because they've got a wart." "I'm sorry about the food by the way." "Unfortunately, my cook got invited to an orgy at Delia Smith's house, and so our chef for this evening is the man who empties the septic tank." "Baldrick!" "My Lord?" "God save us." "I trust you're all enjoying your food." "No, we're not actually, Baldrick." "What is this we're eating?" "It tastes as if someone with a bad chest cold has taken two spoonfuls ofBenylin to loosen the phlegm, and then coughed all over an avocado." "Well, funny you should say that, sir, because..." "Yes, all right, Baldrick." "Yes, thank you." "You may go now." "I believe you've got some other duties to attend to." "Oh, yes." "Excuse me please, everybody." "Oh my..." "Now, where were we?" "We were bally well toasting the future." "Yes, and it might also be a perfect time to look to the past." "Howon earth can one look at the past?" "You can't see something that's already happened." " Unless you're on the lavatory." " Good point, Bish." "Yes, or unless one's got a time machine." " Howlikely is that?" " Well, very likely actually, Darling, because I'vejust built one." "Stuff and stonsense!" "I've heard some rubbish in my time." "Every time I open my mouth, as a matter of fact, but a time machine?" "It'sjust... just... cobblers." "I can assure you it is not." "This is an original sketchbook by Leonardo da Vinci." "And this year, I built a time machine to his exact specifications." "Ladies and gentlemen, the greatest breakthrough in travel since Mr. Rodney Tricycle thought to himself," ""I'm bored with walking, I think I'll invent a machine with three wheels and a bell, and name it after myself."" "Behold, the time machine." "Well, glaze my nipples and call me Rita!" " It can't be real!" "Ajoke, surely." " Certainly not." "When did I last play a practical joke?" "Well, when you said you were dying ofkidney failure, and I donated you one of my kidneys and then you said it was an April fool and we had to throwmy kidney away." "Well, yes, there has been the odd hilarious practical joke." "But not this time." "This is a working time machine." "And to prove it, I suggest a wager." "I will bet you each 10,000 pounds that I can travel through time and bring back any items ofhistorical interest which you choose to nominate." " Darling?" " Yes, all right." "Yes, if you can travel through time, I'll pay up, so long as you bring back a..." "genuine Roman centurion's helmet." "Very well, a Roman centurion's helmet." "No no, that's much too easy, What about the actual wellingtons actually worn by Wellington on the day he won the battle ofWaterloo." "Lady Elizabeth would like the actual wellingtons worn by the Duke ofWellington on the day he won the Battle ofWaterloo," " Anyone else?" " Oh, yes." "Yes, I've got one." "I want you to get, I'd like to see you get these, an ancient reeking stinking pair of 200 year old underpants." "18th century botty-huggers, that's the ticket." "Very well, I shall be on my way." "It will of course, take no time at all, in your time." "I shall merely step in, there will be a momentary shuddering, and I will emerge triumphant." "Farewell, dear friends." "Well done, Balders." "Very impressive, I'm sorry I didn't build it myself." "Don't worry, my Lord, I followed DaVinci's instructions to the letter." "Even if you can't actually read." "That's right, but I have done a lot of Airfix models in my time." "Right, so we've got the centurion's helmet." "Jolly good." "And the boots." "Excellent." " The underpants, where are they?" " Here you are, my Lord." "They're my very best pair, and coincidently, also my very worst." " So they're, in fact, your only pair." " That's right, my Lord." "Stick them in the bag." "Struth!" " Right, let's get this stuff going." " Right, my Lord." "Yes, right." "Shake it about a bit, make it look real." "The best New Year's Eve prank ever." "Here we go." "You hide there." "30,000 pounds, here I come." "Right, interesting." " What's happening, my Lord?" " Well..." "For God's sake, do something, Baldrick!" "Something useful." "Come on throw something!" "Shoo!" "Go on, go away!" "Sod off!" "Try the underpants." "A bloody brontosaurus!" " Him, not me." " What?" "Sniff my skids!" "Fascinating." "One ofhistory's great mysteries solved." "The dinosaurs were in fact, wiped out by your pants." "Well, Balders, this is a turn up for the books." "You've built a working time machine, and are therefore, very surprisingly," " the greatest genius who's ever lived." " Thank you, my Lord." " Right, let's get out ofhere." " No problem, my Lord." "Can you set the date so we can get home?" "Yes, I just turn that, pull that, reset that there, pull this lever like that, and the date should come up." "But unfortunately it doesn't because I was going to write the numbers on" " in pen but I never got round to it." " Right." "So the date we're heading for is two water melons and some cherries." "That's right, my Lord." " In other words, we can't get home." " Not as such." "Excellent." "Rather a spectacular return to form after the genius moment, Baldrick." "Still, some common sense should be able to resolve this." "We'vejust got to put the controls back where they were when we set off." "I think that was about there, these were here and here." "There." "And that should get us home." "Excellent." "You threwaway our items, Baldrick, but at least we're home." "Typical!" "They must have got bored and gone back for pudding." "Right, nowyou're not going to believe this..." "Ah, Lord Blackadder." "Elizabeth... the first?" "You're wearing very weird clothes, and you look rather old and ugly, actually." " Is that right?" " Of course it's right." " I'm always right." " Of course it's right." " Melchy," " Ma'am?" "Edmund's being very cheeky." "Shall I laugh at him, or chop his ugly head off?" "Well, I do think choppy choppy is the only apt reaction." "Very well." "Kill him!" "Unless of course, Eddy, you've got a present for me." "A present?" "Yes, certainly, Your Majesty." "A present..." "Quickly, I'm getting bored now." "Yes." "Now..." " These may not look much..." " They don't." "No." "But..." "let's say..." "Let's say there was a place where you could buy absolutely everything." "We already have those, Blackadder, and they're called markets." "Right." "Well imagine that, but times ten." "As it were, a "super" market." "Nowif you gave someone at one ofthese "super" markets, this, he would give you some "bonus points."" "Which would mean that once a month you could buy a tin ofbaked beans at halfthe normal price." "Kill him!" "No wait!" "There must be..." " What are they?" " Oh, therejust sort of sweets." "Minty things." "I want one!" "Yes, Your Majesty." "Oh, it's got a hole in it." "No they're meant to be like that, that's howthey're made." "Blackie, you're so naughty!" "It's the tastiest thing in the history ofthe world." "Try one, Melchy." " What do you think?" " Yes, indeed, Ma'am, most pleasant." "This is incredible, because you know, Melchy, you usually smell like you've eaten a stoat for breakfast." "Yes, I am aware I have a less than orthodox mouth odour, Ma'am." "You don't smell like that anymore, you smell absolutely yummy now, and not at all like a turd." " Oh, what a pity." " Well done, Blackie!" "Here, take this, you sexy flirt." " Thank you, Ma'am." " Now... go forth and bring back lots more minty things in the next five minutes, or I'll come after you and crush your skull like an egg." "Certainly, Your Majesty." "I'll be right back." "Thank you very much." "Oh, I'm so sorry." "I am sorry." "Wait a minute," " you're not..." " Will Shakespeare, yes." "Don't say it, you hated "Two Gentlemen of Verona"." " This one's much better." " Well, bugger my giddy aunt." "You couldn'tjust sign something for me, could you?" "Certainly." "I'm sorry it'sjust a Biro." "Thank you." "Oh, and just one more thing..." "That's for every schoolboy and schoolgirl for the next 400 years." "Have you any idea howmuch suffering you're going to cause?" "Hours spent at school desks trying to find onejoke in" ""A Midsummer Night's Dream", years wearing stupid tights in school plays and saying things like "What ho, my Lord." and" ""Oh look, here comes Othello talking total crap as usual."" "Oh, and... that's for Kenneth Brannagh's endless 4 hour uncut version of"Hamlet"." "Who's Ken Brannagh?" "I'll tell him you said that, and I think he'll be very hurt." " Let's get out ofhere, Balders." " Certainly." "By the way, if we ever get out ofthis alive," " Yes, my Lord?" " Remind me to kill you, will you?" "Alright, my Lord." "Now, it was down here when we were at the dinosaurs, it's in the middle now, so why don't we try here?" "That should do the trick." "Erm, yes." "I suspect that's a little too far forward." "Back, back, back!" "Oh, God, where are we now?" "Oh dear, do you think it's safe?" "I don't know." "Does this look dangerous to you, Baldrick?" "This empty wood?" "Well, well, what have we here?" "My tough band of freedom fighters, who have good muscle tone and aren't gay." "Oh, God." "Look lads, we've captured Lord Blackadder." "Wait a minute, are you Robin Hood?" "Am I Robin Hood?" "Is Will Scarlet a poofin tights?" "Is Friar Tuck a fat tub oflard with a ridiculous haircut?" "Is Maid Marion a hot little honey" " with thighs like a nutcracker?" " Yes, I am." " Woof!" " Woof!" " Woof!" " Woof!" "It's nice to meet you, at last, because there's one question I've always wanted to ask you." "Fire away!" "Before I impale you with my magnificent weapon." "And I don't mean my enormous..." " Yes, I know." " Oh, right, sorry." "What puzzles me is this:" "You rob from the rich?" " Yeah!" " That's right, yeah!" "And then when you've robbed the rich, you give it all to the poor." " Yes!" " I love giving it to the poor!" " Woof!" " Woof!" "Nowthat's the bit I don't understand." " You men risk your lives in combat," " Yes!" " Risk certain death if you're caught," " Yes." "You live here in this forest in total squalor." "I hate to think what the toilets are like round here." " Not very nice, actually." " And yet you still give every penny to these, so-called poor who just sit on their backsides all day..." " Shut up now." "...laughing at you, saying," ""Oh no need to go to work today," "Robin Hood and his merry men will come soon with a pile of cash."" "I said shut up!" "I'm surprised they don't call you Robin Hood and his bunch oflunatics." "Right, that is it!" "Shoot him, boys." "I'm great and he's not." "Robin Hood and his band of merry morons." "Ready... aim fire!" "Can I say that I think you made the right decision." "So do I, gorgeous." "Ding dong!" "Well, Maid Marion was pretty friendly." "So was Will Scarlet, a really nice guy." "Still, the sooner we get home the better." "We've started to affect history, and that's dangerous." "We've already wiped out the dinosaurs and killed Robin Hood." "God only knows what's going to happen next time." "My Lord Emperor, I, the Duc de Darling, bring news." "The English have reached Waterloo." " Good." "Prepare to attack." " Very well." "But first, I would like to ask, why do we want to invade Britain in the first place?" "I mean, their wine is made ofthe pipi of cows, and their women all have big beards." "We invade, Darling, because the British think they are so tough." "They think we French are sissies, they call us weeds and whoopsies and big girl's blouses." "With respect, my emperor, we are whoopsies." "We invented the tapestry, the soufflé and the sweet liqueur." "We will be slaughtered the minute we mince up the hill." "Do not despair." "It is my firm belief that God hates the British." "He will intervene miraculously and send us a glorious victory on this field ofWaterloo." "Oh, bravo!" " Lovely uniform today, by the way." " Oh, thank you." "I think it works." "The French are approaching." "Excellent, I've a superb plan which can't fail to result in the complete destruction ofthe French army." "Splendid." "Tell me, and I'll spread the news to the troops." "Very well." "The plan is..." "God, I'm brilliant, I surprise myself sometimes." "The plan is... to allowthe French within 100 yards of us, and then..." "And this is the completely brilliant part..." " Yes?" " Then..." "Your Grace!" " The Duke ofWellington is dead!" " Whoops." "Alas." "Without the plan the day is lost." "Pardon me." "Thanks very much." "May as well try and win that cash anyway." "Why don't we try pressing this button?" "Well, fingers crossed." " What can you see, Balders?" " People in very short skirts, my Lord." "Excellent." "The 1960s, at last, we're getting close." "I might stay a while actually for a bit ofhippy free love." "Free love wouldn't make any difference to you, Balders." "I mean, what would a sheep do with money?" "Not girls in skirts, my Lord, men." "Ah, Spandau Ballet, 1983." "I think not, my Lord." "Romans!" "We're still centuries out." "Come on, let's go." "Although, I mightjust steal myself a Roman helmet while we're here." "Interesting." "The machine seems to be seeking out our DNA across time." " Just brilliant!" " What, oh centurion?" "We're facing a hoard of ginger maniacs with wild goats nesting in their huge orange beards, or to put it another way, the Scots." "And howdoes our inspired leader Hadrian intend to keep out this vast army oflunatics?" "By building a 3 foot-high wall." "A terrifying obstacle, about as frightening as a little rabbit with the word "Boo" painted on its nose." "Oh, come now, centurion, I won't have that." "This wall is a terrific defence mechanism." "You're surely not suggesting a rabble of Scots could get the better ofRoman soldiers." " Welcome, General." " Splendid." "Good to see you practising your English, Georgius." " Did you hear that, Balders?" " I certainly did, Centurion." "Back to Rome, at last." "I say, this is interesting." "There appears to be a large orange hedge moving towards us." "Oh, that's not a hedge, Consul." "That's the Scots." " Shall we run, my Lord?" " Yes." "Perhaps we could negotiate." "Last one there gets hacked to pieces by Rod Stewart's great grandfather!" " Let's get home, Baldrick." " But we don't knowwhere home is." "We're doomed to float though time for all time." "Oh, woe is me!" "Shut up." "There is one final thing to push which may be our salvation." "Or not." "Because it is in fact, a lollipop." " Raspberry flavoured, my Lord." " Oh, God." "I'm going to spend the rest of my life in a small wooden room with two toilets, and the stupidest man in the world." "Wait, my Lord." "Don't despair, for I have a cunning plan." " I'm not optimistic, Baldrick." " To be quite frank, my Lord, neither am I, my family have never been very good at plans." "So, with suitably lowexpectations, what is your cunning plan?" "Well, you knowhowwhen people drown, their life flashes in front ofthem?" "Yes..." "Well, if you stuck your head in a bucket of water, and didn't bring it out again, then your whole life would flash in front of you, and you'd see where all the knobs and levers were when we set off." "Then, if you pulled your head out again just before you died, you could guide us home." " Baldrick." " My Lord," "Good plan, with perhapsjust one tiny modification." " How's it going?" " I'm 18 years old," " I'vejust left nursery school." " Okey dokey." "I'm 25, I'm back at nursery school." " Got it!" " Very good." "But I wish I'd flushed the loo first." "Oh, yeah." "As we approach the end, my Lord, what do you think we've learnt on our greatjourney?" "Good question, Baldrick." "I suppose I've learned that I must buy you a stronger mouthwash for Christmas." "Howabout you?" "Oh, I don't know." "I suppose I've learnt that humans have always been the same, some nice, some nasty, some clever, some stupid, there's always a Blackadder, and there's always a Baldrick." "Yes, very profound, Baldrick." " Also, it occurs to me..." " God, there's not more is there?" "If you're in the right place at the right time, then every person has the power to go out and change the world for the better." "God, you really are as thick as clotted cream that's been left out by some clot until the clot are so clotted up that you couldn't unclot them with an electric de-clotter." "Aren't you Baldrick?" "Real change comes from huge socio-economic things that individuals have no effect on." "Unless you're King or Prime Minister or something." "Yes, I suppose they can make a difference." "But for the rest of us, all we can do in life is try to make a bit of cash." "Which is what I intend to do right now." "Hang on..." "Did you see?" "Good Lord, Blackadder, what happened there?" "Yes, everything went sort of squiggly." "I have in fact, returned from the past." "You surely don't expect us to believe that, Blackadder." "Clearly that was all some sort of cheap conjuring trick." "On the contrary, Darling." "Well, bravo, with big brass bells on!" "And as a little bonus, the crown ofElizabeth I ofEngland." "Oh, fine!" " It fits!" " Well done, Blackadder." "But tell me, all this stuff about changing history with time travel, you must have had to be damnsome careful." "Oh, I was, very careful." "So, Blackadder, tell us, did you hang out with any big time celebs?" "Well, yes actually." "This belonged to, none other than, Robin Hood." "Who?" " Robin Hood." " Never heard ofhim." "You'll have to do better than that Blackadder." "Right." "So you've never heard ofRobin Hood?" "No." "Well, this is the title page for "Macbeth", signed by Shakespeare himself." "No, no, come on, you've heard of Shakespeare." "He's the fellowwho invented the ballpoint pen." "Yes, well I might have affected a fewthings, but nothing important." "Well, never mind, Blackadder." "You've certainly won your bet." "So here's your 10,000 francs." "And jolly well-deserved, too." "What do you mean, francs?" "What do you mean, "What do I mean, francs?"" "Surely you mean 10,000 pounds." "Pounds?" "We haven't used those for 200 years, not since the emperor Napoleon won the Battle ofWaterloo." "Which reminds me, it's time to get to the TV." "Monsieur le Président will be broadcasting from Versailles." "Are you coming?" "No, I mightjust go on one final little trip." "No, don't go you have had any delicious garlic pudding." "After which, I'm going to do "un petit peu de ballet."" "Allons enfants de la patrie, le jour de gloire," "Right, that's it!" "Come on, Balders, we've got save Britain." "I thought I'd drop in to wish you good luck." "You can't lose." "Hello, Darling." "There's one question I've always wanted to ask you." " Yes?" " Howcome you're so great?" "Because I'm me." " I'm a very big fan, Bill." " Thank you." "Keep up the good work." "King Lear, very funny." "Good Lord, Blackadder, what happened there?" " Well, Bravo!" " And here, a front page of"Macbeth" signed by Shakespeare himself." " Oh my God!" " That's better." "Well done, Blackadder." "But tell me, all this stuff about changing history through time travel, you must have had to be damnsome careful." "Oh, I was, very, very careful." "Intriguing thought, isn't it?" "The smallest thing can change history." "Imagine ifWellington had died before Waterloo, we'd be French!" "Or if someone hadn't invented deodorant, we'd all be smelly." "The tiniest thing can affect the course ofhuman history." "Think what turmoil an unscrupulous person could wreak." "Yes." "Could you excuse me just five seconds?" "Yes, absolutely." "Why don't you just go upstairs and watch television?" " I'll be back very very soon." " Oh, splendid!" "But hurry, Blackadder." "Don't miss the shindig at midnight." "Don't worry, I'll be back." "Baldrick, I have a very very very cunning plan." "As cunning as a fox what used to be a professor of cunning at Oxford University but has moved on, and nowworks for the UN at the High Commission oflnternational Cunning Planning?" "Yes, it is." "That's cunning." "Right, here goes." "And now excitement is reaching fever pitch as the final guest of honour arrives at the dome," "Many of the crowds have been here for up to 36 hours waiting for this moment, and I'm sure they won't be disappointed as the great car sweeps into view, because here, at last, is" "the King himself, King Edmund the third," "Universally loved, 98% approval rating across the country," "And with him, his gorgeous new bride, Queen Marion of Sherwood, the nation's mostfamous beauty, beloved by all," "And here to greet them is the Prime Minister, unmarried of course, but now entering his fifth term of office," "The relationship between the king and his first minister particularly close nowadays since the dissolution of Parliament 2 years ago," "And what a partnership they've become, leading Britain magnificently into a prosperous and triumphant new millennium."