"Henry, check this out." "Ryan, I told you ten times." "No skating in the house." "I'm not skating." "Yes, you were." "I'm not skating." "These are regular shoes." "Okay, Ryan." "Just cut it out, all right?" "Ryan!" "What?" "What did I just tell you?" "Stop skating in the house." "I don't know what you're talking about." "That's really funny." "I sound like a real butt-head, don't I?" "It's nice that Henry has a new best friend, huh?" "Yeah." "I hate him." "Thank God." "I thought I was so wrong for hating a 10-year-old." "I felt the same way." "I was, like, "He's just a kid." ""I should get over it."" "But you want to kill him." "Exactly." "Just be glad you weren't the one who had to pick him up from school." "Shotgun!" "Hey, guys." "Oh, no, Ryan." "Kids sit in the back." "But I called shotgun." "That means front seat." "I know what it means, but at our house, kids ride in the back." "But this isn't your house." "It's your car." "Yeah, I know." "Just get in the back." "Hurry up, please." "Okay?" "Mr. Finnerty." "[honks horn]" "So glad I caught you." "I'm still looking for a parent to go with us on our trip to historic Richmondtown next week." "And since your new career as a barkeep provides you with such flexible hours..." "She assumes since I bought the bar, I've got nothing better to do but just sit around here all day." "You are here a lot." "Thinking of ways to improve the bar!" "Hey, Mr. Finnerty." "Hey, Brad." "Uh, thirsty?" "Yeah." "We're having a little get-together up there." "Me, Lily and my homies." "Whoo." "Word up." "Are you worried that she's up there with a bunch of guys?" "You haven't seen these guys." "Oh, my God, Lily." "Check this out." "Did you find another picture of Heather Locklear's nipple?" "There are only three in existence." "What do you got?" "I did a Google search for the word "Google,"" "and it's still going!" "Hey, you want a 'da?" "What's a "'da?"" "Short for so-da." "You call pizza "'za."" "I'll take a 'da." "Gimme a 'da." "Here you go." "I'm gonna commit "su."" "[loud banging noise]" "What was that?" "Ryan, what are you doing?" "Nothing." "This is my guitar!" "You were skating again, weren't you?" "These are not skates." "These are shoes with wheels on them." "I want shoes with wheels on them." "No, look." "Just take off your shoes with wheels on them and play your game, all right?" "It's boring." "Okay, Ryan." "You wanna pick up these pieces?" "No." "Ryan, please pick this up." "Say please." "I just did." "Say it again!" "I'm not gonna say it again!" "[doorbell ringing] All the pieces." "The battleships, the little plastic pegs, everything." "Hi." "Tom Sheehan." "Ryan's father." "Hi." "Sean Finnerty." "Come on in." "Daddy, Henry's father's making me clean his house!" "What's going on here?" "Ryan threw a toy down and I asked him to clean the mess up." "He yelled at me!" "He was getting a little out of control." "You know how kids can get." "Oh, I do." "I also know that Ryan's mother and I have chosen not to yell at our son." "My dad yells all the time." "We prefer to empower our son to make his own choices." "One time he threw an ashtray and it stuck in the wall." "Okay." "Henry." "He was skating around knocking things over." "I just asked him to clean up his mess." "That's it." "Ryan doesn't respond to bullying." "When Ryan misbehaves, we explain our position, then we count to ten." "Yeah, well, bullying's always worked with us." "I guess we're a little old-fashioned like that." "Okay." "Ryan, it's time to go." "See you tomorrow." "Would you like to say thank you to the Finnertys?" "No." "I respect your choice." "Lily, come on." "What exactly did Ashley say?" "She said you were cute." "That's all." "Okay, but cute how?" "Give me something to go on here!" "Let me see." "I believe her exact words were that," ""Jimmy is so cute, next time I see him," ""I'm gonna make sweet love to him."" "Oh, my God!" "She said that your little brother's cute." "Come on." "I need to know where I stand." "She's 16." "You stand nowhere." "A few seconds ago, she wanted to make sweet love to me." "What are you talking about?" "I made that up, okay?" "Hey, you didn't tell me Eddie had a new girlfriend." "What?" "I didn't know Eddie had a new girlfriend." "I just ran into him down at Conte's." "Eddie?" "Eddie." "Eddie!" "Oh!" "Hey!" "I didn't even see you there." "Hi." "I'm Claudia." "I'm Rebecca." "Yeah, right." "Say hello to the family." "Uh... filet mignon..." "What do you think he was hiding?" "Did his date have a prominent Adam's apple?" "No." "This time it was a real woman." "[Henry] B7." "Miss." "D3." "Henry, why are you playing Battleship by yourself?" "Because Ryan won't come over anymore." "What happened?" "Why don't you ask Dad." "Look, I wanted Ryan to come over." "You did?" "I wanted to prove to his dad that I could be a rational, mature parent." "It's just that little twerp makes everything so hard." "Hey, Henry." "Hey, Ryan." "You coming over today?" "I don't know." "Are you gonna yell at me?" "Of course not, buddy." "Come on." "Hop in." "Eww!" "There's poop in there!" "Dad!" "That's not poop." "It's a granola bar." "Come on." "Hop in." "You're yelling at me again." "My Dad says that yelling is for the man who's run out of ideas." "Look." "Just get in the car." "Come over to our house, we're gonna have a good time." "Hop in, all right?" "No." "Come on." "No!" "Just get in the car." "Please." "No!" "Ryan!" "Please get in the car!" "Hey!" "That guy's kidnapping Ryan!" "Wow." "Why didn't you just hit the kid with a tire iron?" "There were witnesses everywhere." "Uh-huh." "Anyway, this is Sheehan's fault." "If he hadn't raised his son to be such a rude little twerp, then I wouldn't have had to resort to-- Kidnapping?" "No, not kidnapping." "More like pro-active carpooling." "Yes." "This is very good." "Now it's not only Sheehan who thinks you're a bad parent, it's also Sister Helen and the entire 5th grade." "No, it's gonna be okay." "Because on Thursday," "Sister Helen and I are taking the class on a nice little field trip." "I thought you didn't want to go on that field trip?" "Now I do, 'cause I wanna show her all the kids love me." "They all flock to me." "And why?" "'Cause I'm a great parent." "You ready to go?" "To?" "The 2004 Space:1999 convention at the Meadowlands!" "[boys excited hyperventilation]" "You know, I'm sorry, Brad, but I'm feeling kind of sick." "I hope you feel better." "Thanks." "Oh, yeah!" "Oh, yes!" "Be cool, be cool." "I know I'm the man." "[moaning]" "Brad's friends seem..." "nice." "Okay, take off the mom hat and put on the chick hat." "Oh, my God." "Dorks." "You have no idea what it's like to go out with them." "I never thought I could be bored and frightened at the same time." "I know it' s hard, honey." "That's part of the deal." "You think I wanted your dad's waste case friends, or Eddie's waste case friends, or Eddie." "You can't make Brad choose between you and his friends." "Why not?" "Because you can't." "No, no." "I can." "He'll choose me." "He worships me." "That's not fair." "No, Mom." "Put on the chick hat." "Sorry, babe." "For that I'd have to put on the bitch hat." "Well, put it on!" "Hey, Sean." "Buddy." "So, Ed." "I hear there's a new mystery lady." "Claudia." "That's the last time I share a secret with you." "Share a secret?" "You barely acknowledged me." "So, where'd you meet her?" "I met her on a online dating service, okay?" "Which one?" "J-Mate." "The Jewish singles website?" "Yeah." "Where Jewish people hook up with other Jewish people?" "That's right." "You do know that you're not Jewish." "Where are you going with this?" "Something's not right." "You've never had a problem meeting women." "I know." "My problem with women has always been" "I've never had a workable exit strategy." "It's not you, it's me." "[crying]" "It's not me, it's you." "It's not us." "It's society." "I don't enjoy being a heartbreaker." "This way, when things fall apart, she finds out I'm not Jewish, she breaks up with me." "What if you actually fall in love with this woman and you wanna get married?" "Then I'll just convert." "I'm already... up to code." "Okay." "Eww." "[phone ringing]" "I got it." "Hello." "Hello." "Mrs. Finnerty?" "Oh, Sister Helen." "Hi." "Please tell your husband he's off the hook for the field trip." "After this afternoon, I've decided to go another way." "Oh, I should put Sean on." "Um, what are you saying?" "You're breaking up." "I said I'm going to put Sean on." "I'm driving into a tunnel!" "[speaking broken phrases] I-- [dial tone]" "Sean." "That was Sister Helen." "You're off the field trip." "What?" "No, no, no, baby." "I need this." "I need to go on this thing." "I think the kidnapping may have worked against you." "No. no." "I don't care what she says." "I am going to historic Richmond, okay, and I'm gonna show that nun and those little monsters the time of their freakin' lives!" "Oy." "I gotta say, you were absolutely right." "I'm so glad I ditched Mitchell and Croyce." "See, I told you you'd be better off." "And I am." "I've totally outgrown them." "All they do is sit around and talk about which video game character would make the best girlfriend." "Well, I'm glad it worked out." "Now, Ashley and Natalie are coming over so I'm gonna go upstairs and change." "Sounds good." "I'm just gonna wear this." "Ashley was kinda gonna come French-braid our hair." "Oh." "Mine's a little short, but if she's as good as everyone says she is..." "What's going on?" "Ashley's coming over." "She's gonna braid our hair." "Wait." "Ashley's coming here?" "Oh, my God." "Know what?" "This is really kind of a girl's night." "But-- Sorry, J-Dog." "Kid just can't take a hint." "Hello." "Hello." "Eddie?" "Oh, hey." "You remember my sister-in-law Claudia from the street?" "Hi." "Hi." "It was so nice of you to invite us to dinner." "Oh...yeah." "Don't thank me." "I brought a noodle kugel." "Can I just pop it in the oven?" "Please." "Right through there." "Great." "What the hell are you doing?" "You're inviting someone over for dinner without telling us?" "And the other day on the street you wouldn't even introduce me to her!" "I just thought the time was right." "The time is right." "The time for dumping'." "I'm not dumping' her." "No, no." "She's dumping you." "As soon as she sees your red-headed freckle-faced Irish Catholic family." "Well, b'gosh and begorrah, what a fine, fine plan." "Listen, I'm just starting to panic here, all right?" "Things are moving too fast." "She's already talking about having kids." "No way." "Yeah, yeah." "We were walking by the park the other day and she said, "Hey, watch out for that kid."" "That's not, "Let's have kids."" "Trust me, it's a short leap." "I could hear her ovaries firing up." "Eddie!" "See." "Hey, babe." "Where you been?" "Today was Henry's class trip, remember?" "Oh, so everything worked out?" "I wouldn't go that far." "Hey." "Mr. Finnerty." "Didn't your wife give you the message?" "Oh, yeah, yeah, she did." "But I figured, what could one more parent hurt." "Depends on the parent." "Oh, Sean." "Come to see us off, huh?" "Good man." "Tom Sheehan?" "What was he doing there?" "He's who they got to replace me." "Okay?" "And if it wasn't for that smug bastard," "I wouldn't be in this mess in the first place." "And then there he was on the bus all...smug and bastardy." "And looking at me." "I mean, what could I do?" "Nothing." "I--I went a different way." "Let me on this bus!" "Go away, Mr. Finnerty." "You're scaring the children!" "I'm not scaring anyone!" "Let me on this bus before I put my fist through this windshield!" "Turn on the wipers." "Ahh!" "Okay." "You wanna go to historic Richmond?" "Fine." "But you're gonna have to go over me." "Wait!" "Wait!" "Sean!" "Baby, there is something you have to understand." "What?" "That I am right and that idiot's wrong." "No, no." "Tom Sheehan just sees things differently than you." "He believes boundaries hinder children," "Whereas, you believe you can fight a bus and win." "[doorbell ringing]" "I'll get it!" "I'll get it!" "Nobody get that." "I've got it." "Oh, hi." "Hey, Ashley." "Listen, Lily had to run out, but she said you and I should just go and have a cup of coffee or something." "I'm sorry." "What was your name?" "Natalie." "She said Natalie should wait here." "Let's go." "[clearing throat] What are you doing?" "Oh." "Look who just got home." "Nice of you to leave." "But I thought-- Sorry, bro." "This isn't an all-play." "You ladies want some 'das?" "So-das?" "Hello!" "Just get 'em, Brad." "I'm not really a kugel guy." "I'm more of a bacon and ham guy." "Anything with pork is fine by me." "Trust me, you're gonna love this." "I don't know." "Last Christmas I had the bacon cheeseburger at Conte's..." "Perfect ending to an already important and meaningful day." "Huh." "That does sound delicious." "Unh!" "Oh!" "Ahh!" "Oh, God." "You almost took me out, Brad." "I guess Jesus was looking out for me." "I'm sorry." "It's okay." "So Alana Glasser said she went to tennis camp, but I heard it was actually fat camp." "Well, it worked." "She's fat." "[all chuckling]" "You know, a couple years ago I went to math camp." "So, Alana Glasser." "What a fatty." "[girls gasping]" "Brad, she's our friend." "Duh!" "Oh, here you go." "Hey, Dad." "Sister Helen drove me home." "Yeah." "Hey, so how was historic Richmondtown?" "It was great." "I drank out of a trough and got bit by a sheep!" "All right." "Well, Go wash up." "Okay, Henry?" "Uh, Mr. Finnerty, I just wanted to tell you that after today, the faculty has voted to bar you from chaperoning any more field trips." "Please understand this was not my decision, though I am quite pleased with it." "I didn't want to go on that stupid trip, okay?" "I just wanted to prove to Tom Sheehan that I can be a better father than him." "Oh, Sheehan." "Don't get me started." "Wait a second." "You hate this guy, too?" "You don't have to deal with him at every parent-teacher conference." "At least twice a day on the phone." "What about his kid?" "Well, I know it's wrong to hate a ten-year-old." "No!" "No, sister." "It's not." "No, go ahead." "We made our peace with it." "And that "counting to ten" thing." "Like that's really gonna work with that brat." "Ah!" "Sister Helen." "I'm not surprised to see a nun in the house, but I am delighted." "Yes, well, I'm sorry but I have to be going." "Well, I'll see you at \the parish tomorrow as usual." "She seems nice." "Yeah." "You notice how she was dressed, right?" "Yeah." "The habit." "I'm sorry." "We haven't met." "Hey, this is my brother, Sean." "How are you doing, you full-blooded Irish son-of-a-bitch." "It's nice to meet you." "You, too." "Shabbat Shalom, huh?" "What does that mean?" "Rebecca, I gotta come clean with you about something." "I've been hiding something from you." "Rebecca, I'm not Jewish." "I know." "You knew?" "From our first date." "How?" "I looked at you." "So you knew this whole time and you've never objected to it until now?" "Who's objecting?" "I'm just looking for a nice guy." "Wait a minute." "All this time I thought I was dating a devout Jew, and now you drop this bomb on me?" "Wait a minute." "I'm not the one" "How many unsuspecting suckers do you intend to deceive on J-Mate." "I don't know what to say." "I feel like this whole relationship has been a lie." "Are you breaking up with me?" "It's not you, it's me." "Gotta stick with the classics." "[girls giggling]" "Did you really get this in Rochester or did somebody send it to you?" "I don't remember." "Do you know that's where Kodak is headquartered?" "Rochester." "Come on!" "Brad, can I talk to you in the hallway for a sec?" "Oh, yeah." "Sure." "Uh, where did you really get the snow globe?" "[sighs] It's not about that, Brad." "Look, are you really having fun?" "Me?" "Yeah." "Hell, yeah." "Be honest." "I'm bored out of my skull." "But, you know, gimme a couple weeks and I can get the hang of it." "No, Brad." "It's okay." "I was being really selfish." "You should have your friends, and I should have my friends." "Okay?" "But I don't know if Mitchell and Croyce will take me back." "Why wouldn't they?" "Maybe they got girlfriends." "[laughing]" "Well, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it." "Okay?" "It was pretty heavy for a while, but she lived in Canada, so..." "I had to break up with her." "How did you get in here?" "Oh, whatever." "It's all good." "No, it's not." "Get out, Jimmy." "Wait a minute." "You're Jimmy?" "Mm-hmm." "Oh, I thought Jimmy was the cute little one." "No, no." "That's Henry." "Oh." "Could you send him up." "He's so cute." "Yeah." "He's adorable." "Jimmy's turning into a little hottie." "Excuse me?" "Get out!" "Oh, man..." "Get out!" "Brad to Croyce, Brad to Croyce." "Rendezvous at the Mocha Jojo's in T minus 7 minutes on my mark." "Mark!" "Whoa!" "Is Henry here?" "I don't know." "Could you find out?" "I don't have time for this." "I've got T minus 7 minutes." "And counting." "Tom?" "Sean." "I'm sorry about the little misunderstanding on the bus today." "That's all right." "I didn't really want to go." "Yeah." "Okay." "Anyway, Ryan and I thought it might do Henry some good to go out to dinner." "Because he comes from a bad home." "You're just gonna let him say that?" "We don't like to invalidate his opinions." "I got it." "I don't think Henry's gonna be joining you tonight." "Don't you think Henry should make that decision?" "No, he's 10, and I'm deciding it." "If you're just gonna choose to decide-- One." "Two." "Why are you counting?" "Three..." "If you think you can intimidate me with violence" "Five..." "Six!" "I think we're done here." "Seven!" "Eight!" "What's going on?" "What do you know, babe." "Counting works."