"You know the kind of guy who does nothing but bad things and then wonders why his life sucks?" "Well, that was me." "Every time somethin' good happened to me, somethin' bad was always waitin' around the corner." "Karma." "That's when I realized I had to change." "So I made a list of everything bad I've ever done and, one by one, I'm going to make up for all my mistakes." "I'm just trying to be a better person." "My name is Earl." "As important as it is for me to cross things off my list, it's also important to take time out to enjoy the finer things in life." "Like jumping a tiny motorcycle over my brother's head." "I'm excited." "I'm gonna stick my tongue out to see if it touches it, but you gotta tell me what it looks like, 'cause I'm too scared to keep my eyes open." "Earl, we got a problem." "Jessie is back." "The Jessie Joy was talking about was my ex-girlfriend." "She was also number 145 on my list." "I first met Jessie at her work place." "In business terms, I was what they call "a repeat customer"." "To keep this up, I'm gonna rename this place "Hickey Bail Bond"." "Why, as an investor, I'm gonna have to ask you to institute a "no nut-kicking" policy." "Sorry about that." "Here, you can use my nut ice for your head.." "It's only been on the outside of my pants." "Aren't you a gentleman?" "It was love at first sight." "So it was how we started hanging out." "In fact, Jessie was the first person who'd ever let me jump her with a tiny motorcycle." "She even got along with Randy who finally found someone who enjoyed "Mad Libs" as much as he did." "OK, read it back." "OK..." "Once upon a time, there was a butt princess who lived in a beautiful butt castle." "until one day she was captured by a fire breathing butt." ""A beautiful butt castle"!" "That's just crazy." "Things were going so well she even gave me a three week anniversary present." "Oh my God!" "Metallica tickets!" "Third row!" "That's close enough to get sweat on..." "I know..." "I'll see you later." "Me and Jessie had a good thing going." "And it was all happening pretty fast." "But not as fast as it happened later that night with Joy." "In just seven hours, I went from having a semi-serious three week girlfriend," "(?" ") of a pregnant woman whose name I kept forgetting." "I thought about calling Jessie to talk to her, and tell her of what I have done" "But then I realize that I have to talk to her, and tell her what I have done." "Oh snap..." "You got us Metallica tickets for our honeymoon?" "Actually, that was tickets for, uh our honeymoon." " Metallica tickets!" "I am so taking off my panties and sitting on your shoulders" "That might upset the people behind us." "There ain't nobody behind us." "If telling Jessie it was over was difficult before, our Metallica honeymoon made it impossible." "Great concert." "The baby liked it, too." "He's still banging his tiny fists on my cooty wall." "He's gonna be a drummer." "But Jessie eventually tracked me down." "It wasn't hard because there were two places I like to drink." "And since I wasn't in my El Camino, that's how she found me." "Hide me." "Sweety..." "Where have you been?" "Are you okey?" "I've been trying to reach you for days..." "Yeah, I... uh..." "You went to the concert without me?" "But honey, why would he take you?" "It was our honeymoon trip." "Look, Lars even signed my baby hump." "What is she talking about?" "Honeymoon?" "It's actually pretty funny story... uh..." " We got married, sweetheart." "Read it and weep." "That's not the funny version." "You married... this whore?" "I am sorry." "Maybe you need to read it again?" "Now, put those teeth under your pillow, and maybe the Tooth Fairy will bring you your own man!" "I felt bad about Jessie." "But what was I gonna do?" "I was married now, and after seeing my wife's left hook," "I decided it was best to stay on the good side." "And I figured six years later Jessie would've forgotten about me and what Joy did to her, but..." "I was wrong." "OK, we got Hank Lang." "Broke out of jail." "He's like ten G's." "Our buddy, Ralph Mariano. (?" ") Resisting arrest. $1200..." "Joy Turner." "Formerly known as Joy Hickey." "Did you just say "Joy Hickey"?" " Yeah." "Joy Hickey." ""Failure to appear on a traffic ticket. $200." "I'll take this one." " Not worth our time" "It's worth mine." "Even though Joy's bounty was two hundred bucks and a bounty hunter license was $250," "Jessie took the loss." "She wasn't in it for the money." "She could've gone after Joy right then, but..." "she didn't want to bring her in." "She wanted to bring her down." "And so she set out to get tough." "Tough enough, she wouldn't be humiliated again." "Eighteen...." "Nineteen...!" "I'll feed you in a second, Lolly!" "T wenty!" "Now, finish him!" "And after a few months, that sweet secretary had turned into an ass-kicking bounty hunter machine." "I like that Wonderbug." "I wish we had a car that flew." "I wish we had a car we didn't have to start with a spoon." "Seems a shame to waste your wish on something that small." "Bounty hunter!" " Bounty hunter?" "Bounty hunter!" "Bounty hunter!" "Oh crap..." "Hey?" "Hey!" "Where's Joy Turner?" "I got a warrant for her arrest." "I gotta go!" "Quick!" "Give me the car spoon." "Since Joy didn't want to go to jail, she hightailed it over to me looking for some help." "Jessy, huh?" " Yeah." "She looks tough, and she got a shotgun with her." "She could toss me in the air and shoot me like skee girl." "That's when I knew I had to do number 145 on my list." ""Ditched Jessie to marry Joy."" "Earl?" "Do we have any scissors?" "This motorcycle is starting to hurt my head skin." "I don't understand this, Joy." "How can Jessie take you to jail?" "'Cause I got a warrant out for not appearing in court for a stupid traffic ticket." "I mean, just 'cause the car is stuck in reverse don't mean the kids don't have to go to school." "This is all your fault, Earl." "I know it is." "I-I shouldn't have left her the way I did." "I guess she never got over me." "It's probably the mustache." "Don't worry, Joy." "I'll go talk to her." "Maybe you should shave first." "Randy, that is not an option." "You want to play Mad Libs?" "Yeah." "Here's a Mad Lib:" "Shut the blank up." "Shut the butt up." "Do another one." "Meanwhile, Darnell was busy trying to stall Jessie." "Hey, Crab Man." "Hey, Earl." "Where is she?" "She's in the bedroom, tearing things up, looking for clues and whatnot." "I'm totally freaking out." "Can you tell?" "Not really." "I had a little cocktail." "Hey, Jessie." "Wow, you look, uh... intense." "Thank you." "Where is she, Earl?" "I don't know." "You're lying!" "I'm trained to spot liars." "I'm not lying." "Seriously, I took a seminar at the Marriott." "I sat in the front row." "You're lying." "I'm going to ask you one more time." "Where... is she, Earl?" "Look, Jessie, I'm the one who dumped you for another girl, and-and I'm sorry about it." "I-I'll make it up to you." "I-I'll-I'll pay off your dentist bill, or your jeweler bill, or whoever put those in." "This isn't about you." "This is about respect for the law... and me knocking that bitch's teeth out for "resisting."" "You scared to go to jail?" "Wouldn't you be?" "Not really." "You're going to girl jail." "That's way different than regular jail." "How so?" "'Cause it's chicks-- it's just truth or dare and pillow fights, like a slumber party." "Did you talk to her?" " Is she going to take me to jail?" " Not right away." "She's planning on knocking your teeth out first." "I can't lose my teeth, Earl." "I'm going to be the first woman in my family to get to 30 with all my originals." "Relax, Joy; she doesn't know where we are." "I'll figure something out." "I need to calm down." "Give me a light." "If you're getting locked up, you should save your cigarettes." "They're like money in jail." "And that's the same for boy jail and girl jail." "That's weird." "I know I had a book of matches in here." "Joy!" "I know you're hiding her in there, Earl!" "She picked my pocket." "I know you're in there, Earl." "I can tell by the light flickering behind the peephole every time you move your head." "I learned that at the Marriott, too!" "Randy, we're going out to the RV in the woods." "Call us when she's gone." "How am I supposed to call if she makes me dead?" "Joy!" "Come on, come on, come on!" "Hey, Jessie." "Hi, Randy." "Nice to see you." "You look great." "Are you doing something different with your hair?" "I switched shampoo." "Well, it's working out for you." "Hey... have you seen your brother or Joy?" "No?" "Back in the day, when Joy and I wanted to get away from the hustle and bustle of Camden, we went to our vacation home we found by the lake." "The fact that it was an abandoned RV meant there were no bills to pay, but it also meant there were no keys and it had mushrooms growing in the carpet." "Whoo!" "It's colder in here than it is outside." "I'll see if I can find some blankets." "Turns out a homeless man had claimed our vacation home away from us, and he wasn't leaving without a bribe." "I want a pair of shoes and a 35-second hug from the cute one." "All right, sounds fair." "What we didn't realize at the time was the shoes he wanted were Joy's... and the cute one was me." "Thanks for the jacket, Earl." "If anyone deserves to be cold, it's me." "It's your brother." "Hello?" "I want to start out by saying I'm sorry." "No, no, no, Randy, did you tell her where we were?" "!" "I'm sorry, Earl." "She found my weakness." "( screaming )" "Turns out Randy's weakness was being tortured." "They're in the RV!" "They're in the RV!" "They're in the R..." "Okay, don't worry." "We're not going to let her take you to jail." "Here's what we'll do." "I'll drive you to Goshen." "There's an old barn out there me and Ralph used to hide out in, Ponyboy style." "Earl, if I'm going to sleep in a barn," "I might as well go to jail." "You're right." "We'll find you a motel around here." "Earl..." "No, don't worry." "I'll pay." "No, Earl, y-you're not going to pay." "Yes, I am." "Look, I got enough for the first night." "I'll go back to my place to get more." "Earl, just stop." "You don't have to do any more, Earl." "Look, you snuck me all the way up here." "You gave me your jacket and your shoes." "You did some gay stuff with a homeless guy." "You've done enough already." "But this whole thing's my fault, Joy." "It's on my list." "I ditched Jessie to run off with you." "You didn't "run off."" "I stole you." "EARL:" "It seems Joy's lying and deceiving me had started before we even met." "I'll see you later." "Y'all, I'm serious." "I don't know how I'm going to pay for this baby." "I don't even have a place to live." "If I don't find a man soon, I'm screwed." "How about that guy?" "He looks sweet." "JOY:" "That boy?" "Y'all, just 'cause I'm pregnant don't mean I'm going to marry Corky." "What's this?" "Hold the phone." "Don't do it, baby, don't do it." "Put it down." "Put it down." "He's perfect... but y'all are going to have to get him ready for me first." "There's only one way to get a guy like me ready to marry a pregnant woman." "Drink, drink, drink, drink, drink..." "You girls are great..." "Your girls are great, 'cause... great..." "Wait, what were we..." "what were we talking about?" "I think he's ready." "Boo, if you think we're great, you're going to love our friend, Joy." "Joy, huh?" "She sounds great." "Oh, no, you didn't!" "Tell me you didn't just go old school!" "Hey." "Hey." "And that right there was all it took." "The next morning, I had a hangover, and Joy had a husband." "Oh, my God, you're married?" "Yeah, sweetie, to you." "Excuse me." "Hey, Robin." "Guess who doesn't have to move into the shelter with you anymore?" "My baby's got a daddy." "For a minute, I wondered if, once again," "I had drunk nine months of my life away." "Wow." "I, uh..." "Wow." "Look, Earl, you have a lot of bad stuff you done on that list, but what happened to Jessie was my fault." "It shouldn't be on there." "Thanks, Joy." "I'm sorry for tricking you into marrying me while I was carrying another man's baby, and for having yet another man's baby, and for leaving you while you were in the hospital, and some other stuff..." "You know what?" "It's okay." "We had a rough six years together, but there were a lot of parts I loved." "There were a lot of parts I loved, too." "Earl?" "Give me another minute." "I'm just trying to get that gay homeless guy out of my mind." "I was proud of Joy for turning herself in." "She was on the road to a better life." "Unfortunately, that road had Jessie's Suburban in it." "Crap, crap, crap." "Let me go talk to her." "Earl." "You've done enough taking care of me." "You stay here." "I'm going to go take care of this by myself." "Look, Jessie, I'm turning myself in." "There is no need for any violence." "We both know this isn't about you going to jail." "Say good-bye to your teeth, bitch." "Where the hell did you learn to fight like that?" "I watch a lot of Springer." "Here." "Melt these down, bail me out?"