"EDECO:" "We lived in an age when the Roman Empire was divided in two." "One Emperor ruled the West, another the East." "But both sides were weak and easy prey for an invader because the empire was dying." "Hordes of barbarian tribes came swooping in from Asia, and of them all, we, the Huns, were the fiercest." "United only by our lust for Roman gold and our leader." "He was the greatest warrior I ever saw." "I would fight alongside him, love him and hate him." "Brutal and brilliant  he would bring Rome to its knees." "His name?" "Attila the Hun." "ZERCON:" "You've come a long way." "I expect you're hungry." "Relax." "He only wants you up in the saddle." "We negotiate on horseback." "I think he likes you." "I am the emissary of Flavius Aetius," "Supreme General of the Western Roman Empire, travelling as ambassador plenipotentiary from the court of His Imperial Majesty, the Emperor Valentinian at Ravenna." "That's easy for you to say." "On behalf of General Aetius," "I offer my condolences for the death of King Rua." "I carry letters for the new King of the Huns." "There's two kings here." "Myself and my brother Attila." " We rule on equal terms." " And not just the Huns." "No, we rule the Ostrogoths, the Rugi, the Heruli, the Sarmatians, the Gepids." "Not to mention the Scirians." "Maybe that's why he looks confused." "ROMULUS:" "The Emperor wishes to know Your Majesties' intentions." "He wants to know if the Western Empire is safe from the Huns." "Not so confused as he looks." "He seeks reassurance that the West is safe." "And in earnest of His Majesty's good intentions, he returns to you these tribal leaders, who fled into our territory looking for Roman protection." "He understands that these Hun fugitives are your political rivals." "It's all right." "It's all right." "It's all right." "It's all right." "It's all right." "Hey, hey." "It's all right." "BLEDA:" "Inform the Emperor that we are grateful for the return of the fugitives, and that Bleda and Attila wish to make plain one thing..." "Our business is now in the East!" "The Western Empire has nothing to fear." "EDECO:" "My lords were true to their word." "We ignored the West and headed across the Danube into the Eastern Roman Empire." "Our aim was simple, to grab as much gold as we could." "And for months we looted Roman settlements almost unopposed, as half their army was away trying to win back Carthage in Africa." "But then we came to the garrisoned fortress of Naissus." "No barbarian, not even the Huns, had ever taken a city so well defended." "It was time to turn back." "What do you want, Edeco?" "What?" "If you could have anything, what would it be?" "To serve my kings." "Good answer for a politician." "Taking Naissus wouldn't be that hard, if we used our heads instead of talking out of our arses." "Siege towers." "It's what the Romans use." "Could we do this?" "What do you mean, "Could we do this?" We're surrounded by wood." "I'll need good men to lead the assault." " Meaning?" " Meaning, you and the Scirians." "If we succeed, I'll make it worth your while." "And if we fail?" "If we fail, Edeco, then you can kill me." "Imagine the shock when the news reaches the Emperor." "We take Naissus?" "The Emperor will be so terrified, he'll bury us in gold." "BLEDA:" "You'd better be right." "Wait!" "Wait!" "Get them off the wall!" "Clear the wall!" "Loose!" "The moment they clear the wall, bring out the ram." "Catapult!" "Catapult!" "Catapult!" "Wait!" "Go!" "Go!" "Go!" "Idiots, they'll all be killed." "Come on!" "Come on!" "Come on!" "Again!" "One more and we're through." "BLEDA:" "Here you go, boys!" "A wee present from the people of Naissus." "Come on, boys!" "EDECO:" "Just as Attila had predicted, the sacking of Naissus was like an earthquake through the Eastern Roman Empire." "If we now had siege towers, then no city was safe." "The Emperor was forced to make an offer just to get rid of us." "I am ambassador plenipotentiary from the court of His Supreme Highness, Theodosius, ruler of the Eastern Roman Empire." " I carry..." " I can see." "His Majesty offers terms for a lasting treaty." "You're still harbouring Hun traitors, people I want returned." "We're open to discussion." "We also offer a doubling of our annual tribute to 1,400 pounds of gold." "In exchange for what?" "An assurance that the Eastern Empire is safe, and that your army withdraws across the Danube." "1,400 pounds?" " You're serious?" " Serious?" "You think that's serious?" "You don't want to see 1,400 pounds of gold?" "I want to see an inch of skin stripped off his stinking carcass for every one of my dead men." "My Lord Edeco offers his own terms." "We speak for the Huns." "Do nothing till I return." "How did it go again?" ""Take Naissus, and I'll make it worth your while."" " I'm keeping that promise." " No, you're not." "Where was Bleda when my men were getting killed?" "And now the fool is going to sell us short." "You're forgetting one of kingship's golden rules, "A king must deliver"." "Is that all we're worth to you?" "1,400 pounds of gold?" "Well, it's not enough." "And you call yourself a king." "Is that a problem?" "It's not enough." "Where are you going?" "Where are the Romans?" "Their army is already on its way back from Carthage." " We've been living on borrowed time." " You struck a deal?" "I told you to wait." "Wait for what?" "We've got 1,400 pounds of Roman gold." "Now, let's go home!" "You not drinking?" "You've been doing nothing else for months." "This is my wife." "Put her down!" "Would you like to see something better?" " Yes." " No." "My lords, I give you the tale of the two divided tables." "A tragic epic of divided opinion between two brothers who, while close, could never want the same thing." "They struggled with one another, pulling their people every which way." "His Majesty's not laughing." "Because, unlike my brother, I don't find you funny." "My noble lord Bleda finds me funny." "But the other king, my lord Attila, does not." "How is a poor Hun puppet to know who to please?" "You're right." "There's a problem." "What?" "Wasn't there a problem?" "I thought you wanted riches." "Our business in the East isn't over." "We're going to finish what we started." "By order of Attila, King of the Huns." "EDECO:" "For some reason, he showed mercy to the dwarf." "He wasn't skewered on a stick." "He wasn't even killed, just banished forever." "Then we headed back East." "The pressure was now on Attila." "He had justified the murder of his brother by promising even greater riches." "Now he had to deliver." "His plan was to terrorise the Emperor into doubling his offer of 1,400 pounds of gold." "Unfortunately, this time, we ran into their entire army." "ATTILA:" "How many do you see?" "EDECO:" "I lost count after 20 legions." "That's got to be 30,000 men." "The army must have come back from Carthage." "We can't do this, it'd be suicide." "So, shut up while I try and work something out!" "We have to fire from the saddle, hit him while we're out of range." "Soften him up, only then go in for the kill." "The trick will be to play hit and run." "Get too close, too soon, and we're dead." " I'll need your..." " Men." "I can't do this without you." "On the grounds that I must be getting used to it?" "On the grounds that this is going to be hard." "EDECO:" "We won!" "It worked." "We won." "It was easy." "You think that was easy?" "You think it's easy?" "You have no idea, have you?" "Grinning your stupid head off." "Of course we won, because if we hadn't, you'd be crawling back to whatever farmyard hovel your mother came from and I'd be having my throat slit by my own men." "You know what all of this is, Edeco?" "It's an act." "We're a travelling circus, not an army." "Why do you think my brother kept a dwarf?" "It's not easy." "It's planned!" "I like you, Edeco." "I like you, Edeco." "I really like you." "Get yourself cleaned up." "I want someone to give the Emperor his bill." "Get yourself to Constantinople." "EDECO:" "Sending me to Constantinople wasn't a reward, it was a test." "Come back with more gold, or else." "So, now I'm hiding in a closet like a slave in a third-rate comedy." "Your Majesty, observing our friend may be more useful than you think." "He may have beaten us on the battlefield, but he can barely keep his paws off our trinkets." "Strip away the swagger, this man's a common thief." "And like all thieves, he can be bought." "His Imperial Highness is pleased to give you audience." ""Is pleased," my arse." "Resisting my lord Attila's army at Utus took some courage." "In recognition of which, you have a demand for an increase in the tribute." "We believe you owe us 6,000 pounds of gold." "Is there anything else?" "You're harbouring fugitives from my lord Attila's justice." "He wants them back." "And he won't waste time yakking with Roman slaves." "He'll negotiate with those of the highest rank only." "We will consider it." "Well, that takes care of the introductions." "I understand that you're a Scirian, and that you bore the brunt of the fighting at Naissus." "6,000 pounds of gold divided by, say, 20,000?" "Let me see, that works out at less than five and a half ounces per dead Scirian." "We pay more for our household slaves." "Your loyalty to Attila must be very great indeed." "Perhaps you're like a brother to him?" "Oh, what am I saying?" "What are you saying?" "That if gold's at issue here, there may be an easier way." "All you'd have to do is kill Attila." "What about when he's out riding?" "Could someone get to him?" "Only if you want to fight through his bodyguards." "Could his bodyguards be bribed?" "Twenty pounds of gold, split evenly." "They'd laugh in your face, and then they'd kill you." "All right, 40, 50..." "I really don't care, as long as they'll look the other way." " Long enough for what?" " A man to reach Attila with a knife." "Come on, there must be somewhere." "You could try his northern palace." "He relaxes there, feels safe." "Meaning, you could get in close?" "Did I say that?" "I can get you in close, but I'm not the one who's going to murder him." " I thought you said..." " No." "You're looking for someone prepared to kill him?" "Good luck." " The deal's off." " I'll do it." "I'll do it." "EDECO:" "And so, the plan was hatched." "Only myself and my accomplice, Vigilas, would know the true reason for our trip." "We headed back to Attila with a train of tribal leaders who had fled east, looking for protection." "Everyone else, including the Roman ambassador who accompanied us, was unaware of the plan." "We'd only send for the gold to bribe the guards when we knew it was safe." "Oh, for God's sake, stop fussing, Maximinus, will you?" "This is all because I didn't pay my taxes." "The Emperor knows, Vigilas, he knows." "Why else would he send me to a hellhole like this?" "What is it?" "Attila refuses to see you." "You go home tomorrow." "This is most irregular." "I've never known anything like this in 31 years of diplomacy." "What's going on?" "ATTILA:" "Edeco, it's good to see you." "I wish I could say the same." "I've been all the way to Constantinople and back, just like you asked." "You cannot just turf the Romans out." "There's something I want to show you." "Go on." "Inside the box." "Melted down from gold we took from Naissus." "You saved my life." "I never said, "Thank you"." "Now, I am." " I don't deserve this." " Why not?" "Take it." "Now, the Romans." "Your Majesty, as ambassador plenipotentiary to His Imperial Highness the Emperor Theodosius," "Commander in Chief of the Eastern Regions," "I bring greetings from Constantinople." " What are you doing here?" " Your Majesty?" "I said, what are you doing here!" "I came to deliver Your Majesty's fugitives." "Where are they?" "Where are they!" "Your Majesty's already received them." "You think I'm some stupid barbarian?" "You think I can't count?" "Your Majesty, these were all the fugitives that we have." "You're lying!" "I should rip your lying head off!" "Then again, that wouldn't be very diplomatic of me, would it?" "I feel like going on a journey, seeing my loyal subjects of my Empire, that sort of thing." "Ambassador plenipotentiary, you're coming with me." "You." "You, on the other hand, will go back to the Emperor and give me the men on that list." "Or we will give you a war you will not believe." " He knows." " He knows nothing." "The moment I ride out, he's going to stick me on a spike." " We've got to rethink..." " Vigilas, listen." "If he'd even the slightest inkling, believe me, we'd both be on a spike." "He'll be at his northern camp in one month." "You do as he says." "You deliver the message, and when you return, you bring the gold." "EDECO:" "Attila ruled over tribes stretching from the Danube in the south to the Alps and the Carpathians." "And he often toured his lands, checking on their loyalty." "As we made our way to his northern palace near the River Tisza," "Vigilas had dashed to Constantinople to collect the gold to bribe Attila's guards." " BOY:" "Attila!" " Ah!" "There's a party of Romans back there and they're bringing fugitives." "Have you brought the gold?" "He'll have a banquet tonight." "He'll let his guard down." "The first time he gets up to leave, make your move." "What are you doing here?" "I've come back for my wife." "EDECO:" "He's been waiting for you, and he's walked hundreds of miles to get here." "That's funny." "That's funny." "I said he was funny!" "You should drink something, Vigilas." "It gets better." "Where's the dwarf?" "ATTILA:" "You were telling me you came all the way from Italy to see your wife?" "I'm moved." "You clearly love her very much." "Entertain me." "MAN:" "Go on, mate!" "Come on." "What are you going to do?" "# Deep inside the darkest cave" "# Sweet as the fruit of a twisted tree" "# Nothing compares to the love I gave" "# In the hope that your love would come back to me" "# Rare as the flower in the snow" "# Rare as the love that will not grow" "# I'm as rare a man as you can see" "# Nothing is rarer than you to me" "# Nothing is... #" "I said entertain me, not deafen me." "If I see you in my lands ever again, I will kill you." "Strike up, Vigilas." "If you were a soldier, you would know when you strike down, the man you're trying to kill would block." "Who am I?" "Who am I!" "Attila." "Attila." "Attila." "Am I frightening?" "Am I frightening!" "Did you really think that you could kill me?" "I am Attila!" "And you..." "Look at you." "Look at me." "It's all right." "It's all right." "I'm glad this has happened." "No, I really am." "Your Emperor's finally shown what he really is - my slave, skulking around with a dagger, trying to stab his master." "I'm finished with the East, because the East is finished." "It's over." "EDECO:" "I had told Attila about the plot the moment I returned from Constantinople." "Now, as far as he was concerned, he'd got all he could from the Eastern Empire." "He had humiliated the Emperor and bled him dry." "But if Attila wanted to continue being the King who always delivered for the Huns, he now had no choice but to look elsewhere for gold." "I had a dream last night." "I dreamt I was drowning." "I saw all your faces flash before my eyes." "Want to know what you were doing?" "Out getting stinking rich!" "We're going to go West!" "You remember the Western Roman Empire?" "And don't worry, we're not going to bump into the Roman army." "Instead of making for Italy, we'll head north, pick off those Northern tribes, like the Franks and the Alans, those collaborators with Rome." "They are stagnant with gold." "Food and rations for three months." "We'll take Metz!" "We'll take Trier!" "And press on to Orléans!" "HUNS:" "Attila!" "Attila!" "Attila!" "Any questions?" "EDECO:" "Attila was proposing the biggest smash-and-grab raid in Hun history." "We were to travel further, for longer than ever before, with 35,000 men." "And it wasn't long before this news reached Ravenna, home of the one good soldier in the Western Roman Empire," "General Flavius Aetius." "Ten years earlier, he'd been our hostage." "He knew us and our methods well." "Sir, I thought you'd want to know right away." "The Huns are invading." "Call my senior staff together." "EDECO:" "For two months, Attila rampaged across the Western Empire." "In the end, some cities were so frightened, they just opened their gates and let us in, hoping to spare themselves suffering." "They were wrong, of course." "They didn't even put up a fight." "More of this, and I'll get bored." "Orléans is still over 200 miles away." "We only have enough food for one month." "It's not enough to mount a siege." "Who says we're going to mount a siege?" "All these people needed to know was that we were coming." "They opened the gates without a fight." "Orléans will be no different." "You still think Aetius is going to let us get away with this?" "Take this message to the Emperor in Ravenna." "We outnumber Aetius' army by three-to-one." "When the Emperor gets that message, he'll be so terrified," "Aetius won't be going anywhere." "Fear, Edeco." "Fear." "ATTILA:" "It works like witchcraft." "That's for the Emperor." ""Get the palace ready." "I'm coming."" "This is a trick." "He wants us to dig ourselves in, think he's unbeatable." "But no single army in the world can face him." "That's true, Romulus, true." "But that strength is also his weakness." "Attila's made more enemies than friends." "All those tribes sick of being raided." "We don't have to be a single army." "Send messages to the Franks and the Burgundians, the Saxons, the Alans, even the Visigoths." "All those tribes Attila's abused over the years." "We will have the greatest coalition the world has ever seen." "EDECO:" "How long have we been here?" " We're going to starve them out." " Starve them out?" "We are the ones who are starving." "There's no food left." "People are deserting." "We need to turn back while we still can." "SOLDIER:" "Over there!" "It's Aetius." "ATTILA:" "Those aren't just Roman legions." "I'll get the men ready." "We can't fight a battle spread out like this." "We need to regroup." " Order the withdrawal to Troyes." " Come on!" "Move, move!" "What do you want?" " I think we should go home." " I can't run, Edeco." "Who said we're running away?" "We've got so much gold, we don't know how to carry it." " They have fresh troops." " I have to face Aetius!" " Why?" " Because I exist to be feared." "Everything I have achieved has been based on fear." "It's what made the Huns." "I am Attila the Hun, and I haven't finished being Attila the Hun." "I have to face him." "We're going to intercept him at the Catalonian fields." "There's a ridge there." "Whoever occupies that ridge controls the battlefield." "I know how Attila thinks." "Everything he does relies on speed." "We're going to use that against him." "We're going to march through the night." "We're going to beat him to that ridge." "Wake up!" "Wake up!" "Wake up!" " What's wrong?" " Aetius, he's on the move!" "ATTILA:" "Aetius is nobody's fool." "I know what he's up to." "I don't care what it takes, you have to get your men on that ridge first." "Look!" "Over there!" " Go now." " Scirians, on me!" "Come on!" "Take the ridge!" "Come on." "Come on, come on, come on, come on." "We're all going to die here." "Retreat!" "Retreat!" "We can't do it." "There's no way up." "We tried." "They cut us to pieces." "On the crest of that ridge lies our greatest ever victory!" "You can sit here, waiting to die, while I throw the first spear, or you can share that victory with me!" "Come on!" "Aetius!" "Aetius!" "Retreat!" "Retreat!" "Retreat!" "I want lookouts on the perimeters!" "Load the gold and the wounded into the carts!" "You're alive." "Build my funeral pyre." " We've got to go." " Build it!" "Build it!" "Let me die." "Build my funeral pyre!" "Build my funeral pyre!" "No." "No, no!" "No." "EDECO:" "It's over." "It's over, it's over." "Load him up!" "Get him out of here!" "ATTILA:" "No!" "EDECO:" "My lord Attila didn't die at the Catalonian fields, but he may as well have done." "The myth of his invincibility had been shattered." "The following year, he invaded Italy, looking for revenge." "But again, after initial success, was driven back by Aetius." "Two years later, Attila died on his wedding night." "I, Edeco, became king of an independent Sciri." "Without Attila, the Hun empire collapsed." "No one else could hold the different tribes together." "But even though his empire was short-lived," "Attila achieved something far greater, immortality." "After all, who has not heard of the name" "Attila the Hun?"