" MAN:" "Find a good hiding place." " (THUNDER RUMBLING)" "(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)" "SCARLETT: (ON LAPTOP) Good job, boys." "Eye contact is very important when trying to seduce your partner." "It's the most overlooked step by virgins, so remember this for your first time." "Yeah, yeah, we get it." "Look at them before you fuck their brains out." "Now, can we move on to the sex positions?" "'Cause that's what I paid $80 for." "Actually, that's what I paid $80 for." "Yeah, don't worry, Jack." "I'll pay you back, I'll pay you back." "You boys can figure this out later." "Right now, I want you to pretend that Bailey is a girl from class that you brought home to your room." "Show me how you would seduce her." "Jack, you go first." "Hey. (CHUCKLES) Hey there, Bailey." "Um, how was school for you today?" "For me, it was okay." "(CHUCKLES)" "I had a stomach ache, though." "But the nurse just said I ate too much." "What are you doing?" "Take off your shirt already." "Come on." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Sorry my chest is so smooth." "(JACK GIGGLES)" "I can't grow any chest hair." "She's losing interest and is about to call for a ride home." "What are you gonna do to make her stay?" "Come on, you've got this, you've got this." "Oh, my fucking God." "Okay, Jack, that's enough." "Not one girl is gonna wanna sleep with you with that lack of confidence." "You need to work on that." "Duncan, your turn." " JACK:" "Good luck." " I don't need luck." "(EXHALES)" "Scarlett, play some music." " That's a nice touch." " (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)" "(HUMMING)" "(EXCLAIMING)" "Hey, little sexy." "DUNCAN:" "Whoo!" "(MOANING)" "Yeah, yeah, you like what you see?" "Do you like that?" "Whoo!" "Wait, why were you wearing those?" "(GRUNTS)" "(MOANING)" "Wow." "(MOANS)" "(IMITATING A GIRL) "Oh, my God, it's so big."" "(LAUGHS)" "I know." "You ever been fucked by a British boy before?" "Huh?" "Huh?" "Yeah!" "Yeah!" "(MOANING)" "Uh, Duncan, that's a little aggressive." " Not all the girls get into it that quickly." " (DUNCAN GRUNTING)" "Scarlett, look at me!" "I am the captain now." "Jack, get over here!" "Show Bailey a good time." "(BOTH GRUNTING)" "JACK:" "Oh!" "Wait." "Don't you think this is a little weird?" "Jack, we're best friends, nothing is weird." " (LAUGHS)" " Okay, my time's up here, boys." "Sorry." "Oh!" "Oh, God, I'm getting close." " (KNOCKING ON DOOR) - (SIGHING) What?" " (DUNCAN GRUNTING)" " ALL:" "Happy last day in America." "(GRUNTING)" "DUNCAN:" "Ah!" "Did you just come?" "(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)" "MARSHA: (ON PA) Good morning, Glenbrook High School!" "Well, I hope everyone's excited for summer break." "I know I sure am." "Okay, make sure everyone returns their books to the library..." "DUNCAN: (ON PHONE) Hey, guys, so this is the ghost chili challenge." "Now, see, I put it... (COUGHING)" "Oh, no!" "Oh, no!" " Your new video is terrible." " (DUNCAN SCREAMING ON PHONE)" "It only takes one video to go viral." " DUNCAN:" "Fuck!" " Oh." "MARSHA:" "And here to read this year's final morning announcements is the captain of the football team, Tucker Jones." " (MIC FEEDBACK)" " Yo, yo, yo." "What's goin' on, everyone?" "Tucker Jones on the mike." "Today's lunch is meatloaf with mashed potatoes, and if you're a vegan for whatever stupid reason, it's salad." "Also, I just wanna address the rumor that's been going on about me." "Yes, I did hook up with Jaclyn Wasinowski, and, yes, she does have herpes, but I did not contract it." " MARSHA:" "Tucker!" " Marsha, I'm okay, all right?" "Relax." "Just stick to the paper." "Marsha, calm your tits." "Also, I just wanna remind everyone that tonight," "I am having the sickest end-of-the-year party celebrating my cat, Mr. Pickles, hitting 10 million subscribers on YouTube." "Yeah." "All girls welcome, guys gotta be on my VIP list." "Okay, thank you, Tucker." "And that's how it's done, bitches." "(GRUNTING)" "Pussy-ass dick holes." "Did you get invited to his party?" " No, did you?" " No." "Have a great summer, and well see y'all next fall." "Principal Raheem will see you boys now." "(VIDEO GAME MUSIC PLAYING)" "(PRINCIPAL RAHEEM GRUNTING)" "Sorry." "Mrs. Cole said to come in." "(STUTTERS) Have a seat, boys." "I'm trying to finish something here." "(PRINCIPAL RAHEEM GRUNTS)" "Who the fuck told me this was easy?" " Uh, Principal Raheem, what are you doing?" " (CAMERA BEEPS AND WHIRRS)" "I'm playing a virtual reality game." "It's called Shit Swipe." "It's very addicting." "You have to grab these little turds and move them around so they match, and it's really fucking difficult." "(GRUNTING CONTINUES)" "No." "No, no." "What's happening?" "Move." " It's frozen!" " (AUTOMATED MALE VOICE READING)" "Fuck!" " Stupid shit of a game!" " (VR HEADSET CLATTERS)" " (CAMERA BEEPS)" " Fucking stupid shit of a fucking game." "(PRINCIPAL RAHEEM SIGHS)" "So, I hope you guys enjoyed your stay in the States." "Did you get a chance to do some fun things?" "Like going to Disneyland?" "Yeah, we went." "Um, it was great." "A lot of kids, though." "And fat people." "Well, this is America, you know." "Did you go to any baseball games?" "I didn't really know what was going on." "So I just cheered when everyone else cheered." "So many fat people." "Yeah, but what about the ladies?" "Did you get a chance to experience any American girls?" "No girls?" "Not even fat girls?" "(SIGHS) Nope." "I haven't had sex with one girl since I've been here, and I just know all my friends are gonna just call me a "wankstain virgin"" "when I get back." "You're a virgin, too, aren't you, Jack?" "I don't think we need to talk about that." "(CHUCKLES)" "So you're telling me that we have two foreign boys who are both virgins?" "(DUNCAN SIGHS)" "(LAUGHING)" "Oh, I shouldn't laugh because, you know, it wasn't easy for me either with the girls." "When I came from India, I would only find work as a street performer on Hollywood Boulevard." "I would play Wolverine, Michael Jackson, Frog Boy." "You know, anything to make a few bucks until I got my big break and I became a high school principal." "Then, poof, all hell broke loose." "I couldn't keep the girls away, like flies." "I said, "Back off, bitches." ""Where were you when I was Michael Jackson?"" "Wait, how did anyone think you were Michael Jackson?" "And what's Frog Boy?" "Wouldn't you like to know." "What I'm trying to say is that if you can't get laid in America, you can't get laid anywhere." "And if you're lucky like me, you can go home to this every night." " Pretty sexy, eh?" " (CHUCKLES)" "I am watching you." "Don't get any ideas." "Shalonda is all mine." "And she is very good with her hands." "Anyway, enough of the cock teasing." "Here we go." "Here are your foreign exchange certificates, and good luck to you, boys." "I hope I have been an inspiration." "Thank you." "Okay." "I hope you're de-virginized when I see you next." "Send me a card." "Marsha, get that troublemaker Billy Franco to come and take back his Shit Swipe game." "It's fuckin' broken." "Dude, I gotta get laid tonight, just, somehow." "Good luck." "Hiring a prostitute doesn't count." "I'm not going to hire a prostitute, but you know what?" "I'm not gonna rule anything out." "(POP MUSIC PLAYING)" "DUNCAN:" "Jack?" "Hey, Jack." "(CHUCKLES) Hey." "Hey, Kaylee." "Thank you so much for letting me cheat off your test yesterday." " I got a B. (CHUCKLES)" " That's great." "(BOTH CHUCKLE)" "Okay, well, see you, bro." "Uh, what are your plans for tonight?" "Um, tonight's my last night in the States." "What?" "Oh, my God." "I can't believe it's your last night and we never got to hang out." "I didn't think you knew I existed." "(CHUCKLES) Yeah, you're that cute British kid." "(CHUCKLES) I'm South African, but I could be British." "(BOTH LAUGH)" "Well, Mr. South Africa, are you going to Tucker's party tonight?" "I want to go." "Oh, my God." "You have to go." "We have to make your last night here a night to remember." "What?" "Let me see your phone." "(KAYLEE CHUCKLES)" "Okay, there's my number." "Text me so we can meet up tonight?" " Maybe we can even..." " Have sex. (CHUCKLES)" "I mean, that's what I plan on doing tonight." "(GRUNTS)" "Get off me, and I hope you're talking about someone else, because we broke up, remember?" "Whatever, you'll come back." " They always come back. (CHUCKLES)" " Definitely not." "You look like you're 12 years old, you know that?" " Okay." " Why don't you lift something, bro?" "Your arms look like ramen noodles." "I could slurp you." "Tucker, stop." "You wanna go, bro?" "(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)" "Saved by the bell." "Little bitch." "Hey, would you at least walk me to class, just one more time, please?" "Come on." "Okay, fine." "But don't put your arm around me." "I wasn't going to." "Don't yell at me." " See you tonight, Jack." " I'll put it in my schedule." "Fuck you, Jack." "(SIGHS) My sweet, sweet Kaylee." "What?" "Nothing." "(VOCALIZING)" "# Just leave me alone" "# Meow" "# In the dark, I wanna cringe" "# I miss you so much" "(MS. HOPKINS GRUNTING)" "# In the dark, I wanna #" "(HUMMING)" "Oh... (GROANS)" "BOY:" "Fuck." "That song was dedicated to my cat, Sprinkles." "She was my best friend." "Okay, let's hear what you're passionate about with your final performance." "Duncan, you're up first." "(ALL CLAPPING)" "Go get 'em." "Um, my final song is called," "Fuck What My Friends Say, I'm Good at FIFA." "(DUNCAN CLEARS THROAT)" "(RAPPING) # It's FIFA time So I'ma make you all my bitch" "# So shut the fuck up Or I'll put you in a ditch" "# I play online, I win online That's how I roll" "# 'Cause I never lose a game You think I suck?" "Hell, no" "# I got a big dick I know you're fucking jealous" "# I'm a FIFA don, like in Goodfellas" "# Haters getting mad" "# But I'm the one with lows" "# So if you're hating You can go and suck my balls #" "Stop." "Duncan, I really want you to hit that note right there." "You're at the climax of the chorus and everyone needs to feel that passion." "So do it again." "At the balls?" "The balls." "(RAPPING) # To all my haters You can go and suck my balls" "(IN HIGH PITCH) # Suck my balls" "Like that." " You want me to sing it?" " Yes." "(IN HIGH PITCH) # Suck my balls" "# Suck my balls, suck my balls" "# Suck my balls #" " (CHUCKLES) You did it." " (CLAPPING)" "Bring it in, homie." "Oh, it's beautiful." "Everyone, give it up for Duncan." "A plus, plus, plus." "Whoo!" "And that, everyone, is how you take direction and turn it into perfection." "Now, another song about one of my other cats, Chip." "Yo, your pitch was a little off, but the song was pretty sick, I guess." " Thanks, man." " Shut up." "(MS. HOPKINS SINGING INDISTINCTLY)" "Duncan." "(MS. HOPKINS CONTINUES SINGING INDISTINCTLY)" "Hey, Tucker." "Can Jack and I come to your party tonight?" "No, fuck no, all right?" "My place is gonna be crawling with hotties." "I don't need two foreign losers coming and killing the vibe." "So shut up and turn around." "(VOCALIZING)" "Duncan." "Hey, Tucker?" "(SIGHS)" "What?" "It's our last night, man." "And it would really mean a lot." "Besides, I'm really trying to get laid." "All right, look, the only way you guys are getting into my party is if you bring two girls with you." "Okay." "Hot girls." "Okay." "And not from this school, all right?" "I wanna meet some new baes." "Okay." "Make sure they're hot or you're not getting in." " They're gonna be so fucking hot." " (SCHOOL BELL RINGING)" "Why would you promise Tucker we could bring two hot girls?" "(SIGHS) Because that's the only way we're getting into his party tonight." "But we don't know any girls, especially hot ones." "Yo, I just got you past the VIP list so you can see Kaylee tonight, all right?" "The least you can say is, "Thank you."" "But if I arrive at the party with another girl, there's no way Kaylee's gonna talk to me." "Listen to me, okay?" "If you want to have any chance of seeing your lover tonight and getting laid, then you need to help me find hot girls for this party." "Then, once we're inside, you can go and see Kaylee." "(SIGHS) Come on, bro, do you want to remember this as the night that you went to bed at 9:00 p.m." "or the night that you went after Kaylee?" "Fine." "I'm in." "Yes, my nigga." "Beth, your parents found this disturbing drawing in your room, and it concerns me." "Do you want to explain this?" "That's me burning my entire house with everything inside it, including my parents." "That's what we're talking about." "My wife gave birth to a little demon." "Oh, now this is my fault?" "Let's just try to focus on the positives." "As horrific as this image is, your daughter is a pretty talented artist, and you should encourage her to explore her abilities." "She drew a picture of herself murdering us." "Maybe you should've gotten me that iPad for my birthday." "Uh, Beth, blackmailing your parents with death threats is not appropriate." "Ugh, nobody gets me!" "LISA:" "Why do you have to talk to her like that?" " I enjoy it." " (SIGHS)" " (DOOR CLOSES)" " JERRY:" "Boys." "How does it feel to be done with high school?" "It pretty much feels the same." "Lisa and I would like to take you to Chef Nelson's Crab Shack tonight for dinner." "Well, and Beth, too." " Yeah, you shouldn't leave her alone." " What?" " Uh..." " BOTH:" "We..." "We kinda have a party tonight." "Oh, my God." "Did you get invited to Tucker's YouTube party?" " Yeah." " (CHUCKLES)" "Wait, how do you know about that?" "Oh, yeah, well, you know, me and some of the moms, we have a FaceChat group at the school where we get together and chat and gossip." "So, Jack, there's a rumor going around that you have a thing for that Kaylee girl?" "Wait." "People know I like her?" "Oh, my God, yes." "We talk about it all the time." "Ben's mom, Jill's mom, they're kind of obsessed with you." "You're, like, their favorite couple." "We're, like, rooting for you. (CHUCKLES)" "Actually, it is pretty obvious, dude." "Yeah." "Well, you can go to dinner tonight before, right?" "JERRY:" "Come on, it's Chef Nelson's." "Best octopus and eight-course meals." "Oh, my God, honey, they don't wanna eat your stupid octopus." "They've got a huge party tonight to get ready for." "Tonight's kind of a big night for you guys, huh?" "(CHUCKLES)" "All right, go do your thing." " All right." " Thank you." "But you know what?" "You have early flights in the morning, so don't stay out too late." "We won't." "Those are some good boys." "They're just the best." "(SIGHS) All my friends fucked girls when they studied here," " (DOOR CLOSES)" " I'm gonna be the pussy of the group." "Oh, man." "We gotta find some girls, man." "Why don't you ask Tabitha to come to the party?" "She totally wants your willy." "Tabitha is a complete BLOB." "What's a BLOB?" "You know the girl that you'd never have sex with, but when the night is coming to an end and you run out of options, you start to consider her, and God, pretty much it's a..." "Basic Last Option Bae." "BLOB." "You've never had sex." "Yeah, but I've thought about it, and, oh, no, no, she's definitely a BLOB." "Kaylee gave me her number today." "How long do you think I should wait before I text her?" "I don't know, three hours?" " (CELL PHONE PINGS) - (CHUCKLES)" "Too late, I already sent it." "Well, let's pretend Kaylee doesn't exist for two seconds." "Where would you go to find hot girls?" "I told you, why don't you bring the BLOB and one of her friends?" "But Tucker said they can't be from our school, remember?" "How are we supposed to do that?" "(LAPTOP CHIMING)" "It's your brother." " What's up, nigga?" " Freddie, my nigga." " Will you look at this nigga?" " What the fuck are you doing?" "Whoa!" "You can't say that, bro." "I'm really sorry about that." "That came out racist." " I'm not racist." " Jesus fucking Christ." "I have black friends." "I'm picking you up from the airport tomorrow 'cause Mom and Dad are busy." "All right, that's great, but something more important has come up." "Pretty much, we need to find hot girls for this party tonight." "Got any ideas?" "Looks like the virgin needs help from his younger brother." "(BLOWS A RASPBERRY) You wish I was a virgin, 'cause then I'd fuck you and lose my virginity, bitch." "What?" "I'm two years younger than you and I've already had sex with three girls." "Where did you meet these girls?" "I used this new blind dating app called Blindr." "A blind dating app?" "That just sounds stupid, Freddie." "Check it out." "I just sent you a link." "(MUSIC PLAYING ON LAPTOP)" "Having trouble meeting girls?" "Do you do better with girls when they don't know what you look like?" "Then Blindr is just what you need." "It's so simple." "Just enter your information into your profile and start blinding away." " With its new patented..." " FREDDIE:" "Pretty sick, right?" "Shut up, Freddie!" "I can't hear." "Here's what a real-life couple has to say about Blindr." "Before, girls wouldn't even look at me." "But now, with Blindr," "I let my personality shine through and I found my soulmate." "It's true." "I wouldn't have even talked to a guy like Lance several months ago." "I mean, look at him." "But thanks to Blindr, I've been seduced by his mind." "BOTH:" "Thanks, Blindr." "We can do this." "You can even use our double date option to score a double blind date." "Yes." "Download the app for free and get blinding." "Because you know what they say, true love is blind." " Sorry, Freddie, gotta go." " FREDDIE:" "Uh..." "This is perfect." "Let's do it." "I'm not into meeting people online." "That's creepy." "(SIGHS) Come on, man, that's how everyone meets people nowadays." "Besides, we're not actually dating these girls." "We're just gonna take them to the party with us, and then we're in." "(SIGHS)" "Come on, Jack." "If you're not feeling it once we get there, then we can easily just leave." " (CELL PHONE CHIMES) - (GASPS SOFTLY)" " It's Kaylee." " (SIGHS)" ""Hey, Jack, what time are you going to the party tonight?"" "Why don't you tell her, "Sorry, I can't make it tonight" ""because I'm too much of a pussy" ""to go meet some girls on a blind dating app."" "(DUNCAN SIGHS)" " Let's do it." " Yes!" "Yes!" "Downloading now." "Okay." "Yeah, it takes a while." "Okay, we're in." "All right, double date and name." "Duncan and Jack." "No, we can't use our real names." "Why not?" "We're leaving the country tomorrow." "People can stalk you." "(SIGHS) Okay, fine, I'm keeping my name." "(CHUCKLES) What do you want your name to be?" "Thor." "I've always wanted lo be called Thor." "Thor is a pretty fucking cool name." "All right, I am changing mine as well." "(CHUCKLES) I told you." "Petrie." " (CHUCKLES) Petrie?" " Petrie and Thor it is." " Nice." " Okay, income." "What's the highest you can put?" "Uh..." " Over $500,000 a year." " Put that." "The more money we appear to have, the hotter girls we'll get." "Jack, this is why I love you." "Oh, my God." "Thor and Petrie, high rollers." "(CHUCKLES)" "There is no way we're not gonna land the hottest girls on Blindr with this description." "It's..." "It's foolproof." "Let's start swiping now." "Yes, yes, yes, yes..." "So, what are you looking for when you say yes?" "Pretty much, it's just a numbers game." " Yes, yes, yes." "No one ever says no..." " (CELL PHONE CHIMES)" " FEMALE VOICE:" "It's a match." " (GASPS)" "(DISTORTED) We got a match!" "(DISTORTED) Yeah!" "(DISTORTED YELLING)" "(MUSIC PLAYING)" "(DUNCAN GRUNTING)" "Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's right." " (GRUNTING CONTINUES) - (HUMMING)" "DUNCAN:" "Yeah." "Wait, wait, what does their description say?" "Uh, Amber and Violet, two hot girls that will rock your world." " This is amazing." " FEMALE VOICE:" "New message." "Oh, my God!" "They..." "Oh, my God." "They messaged us." ""You seem like just the guys we are looking for." " "Can you meet us for dinner tonight?" - (CELL PHONE CHIMES)" "FEMALE VOICE:" "New picture message." "Holy shit!" "They're hot." "Look." "Tell them yes!" "Tell them yes!" "Uh, yes." "Where at and what time?" "I can't believe this is working." " (CELL PHONE CHIMES)" " FEMALE VOICE:" "New message." ""Michael J's Diner in 30 minutes."" "I have no idea where that is." "Yeah." "See you there." "Wait, now that they think we're rich, what are we gonna wear?" "Rich people don't wear this." "Don't worry, I've got us covered." "(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)" "Wait." "How are we gonna get there?" " Shall I call an Uber?" " No, we'll call a Boober." "(MUSIC PLAYING)" "Your outfits are pretty cool." "Why didn't you think of Boober when we were thinking of ideas?" "(STUTTERS) I've never used it before." "I didn't know it was like this." "(CAMERA BEEPS)" "Hey, would you two fine ladies want to go to a party tonight?" "Sorry, we're not allowed to go anywhere with customers." "I mean, it's only for a couple of minutes, and then you can just leave." "They're not interested." "And no filming inside the Boober." " Maybe that's the one that goes viral." " (SHUTTER WHIRRS)" "You never know." "That's why you always gotta be filming." "Here are your complimentary Boober condoms." "Have you guys ever tried ultra-thin condoms before?" "We've never had sex before." "What my friend means is that we've had plenty of sex." "It's just..." "We don't like using condoms." "Okay, condoms prevent 99% of STDs." " Give me one." " I'll look after these, you'll lose yours." "Good idea." " Michael J's Diner, right?" " Yeah." " DRIVER:" "All right, we're here." " BOTH:" "Thanks for riding with Boober!" "Michael J's Diner, where dreams come true." " (SNEEZES) - (LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING)" "Are we sure we're in the right place?" "Yeah, I'm not sure about anything any more." "(SNORING)" "Are you Thor and Petrie?" "Hello." "(CLEARS THROAT)" "Hi, I'm Thor." "Oh..." " And I'm Petrie." " Oh... (CHUCKLES)" "Hi, I'm Amber." "So, Thur and Petrie?" "Those names sound kinda fake." "(LAUGHING)" "I'm fucking with you." "(LAUGHING LOUDLY)" "I want to apologize for my friend Violet, she's running a bit late." "But, I promise, as soon as she gets here... (WHISPERS) ...you guys are gonna love her." "She's, like, really hot." "I'm sure she's not as beautiful as you." "Petrie, you are such a sweetheart." " So, tell me..." "Oh..." " You're such a..." " You go ahead." " Oh, no." "Please, you go." "You're such a sweetheart, too." "Aw, thank you. (GIGGLES)" "So tell me about yourselves." "Um, well, I'm from the British royal family, adopted, and I'm here for a really important business meeting." "What kind of business?" "Oil." "And what do you do at oil?" "I'm the president." "I thought only Arabs were into oil." " (BANGS TABLE) - (LAUGHING)" " I'm fucking with you again." " Stop that." "(LAUGHING LOUDLY)" "Y'all need to relax, okay?" "Shake it off." "(GRUNTS AND CHUCKLES)" "(CHUCKLES)" "So, what about you, Thor?" "What do you do?" "I own a video games company." " Make video games." " Oh, that's hot." "(CHUCKLES) Uh, but it's ironic because he sucks at video games." "No, I don't." "Dude, I destroy you at every video game." "What are you doing?" "Well, I'm gonna go get us some drinks, okay?" "Be right back." "So, clearly, Amber is mine." "But you can have her friend when she shows up." "JACK:" "I'm not sleeping with any of these girls tonight." "I'm a faithful man." "(SCOFFS) Fine, I'll fuck both of them." "(SING-SONG) Threesome." "You haven't had sex with a girl in 18 years." "What makes you think tonight you're gonna fuck two?" "Oh..." "I think she's on the phone to her friend right now." "Yeah, it's perfect." "They're a couple of rich losers." "You got the car running?" " (SIGHS) Great, this shouldn't take long." " (PHONE DISCONNECTS)" "(FIZZES)" "(EXHALES)" "Yeah?" "20 million?" "No, I want 30." "I know the freaking Queen, okay?" "That sounds great." "Deal." "I gotta go." "See you in a bit." "(CHUCKLES)" "Sorry, I had a really important business call." "It sounded important." "Here you go." "What should we toast to?" "Let's toast to you and Violet going to a party tonight, with us, after dinner." "Is that an invite?" "Y..." "Yes, it is." "Yes, it is. (CHUCKLES)" "What do you think, girl, you wanna go?" "Mmm, I don't know." "What do you think?" "I don't know. (CHUCKLES)" "We would love to come. (LAUGHS)" "(LAUGHING LOUDLY)" "To a great night." "To a great night." "(CLINKS)" "(SNIFFS)" "Come on." "Up, up, up, up, up, up." "AMBER:" "Mmm-mmm." "(AMBER CHUCKLES)" "Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum." "Yeah." "That's really good." "(EXHALES) I drank way more than you." "(BREATH ES SHAKILY)" "(DISTORTED) Yo, this is fucked." "Uh-oh!" "(CHUCKLES)" "Night-night." "(BUCKET CLATTERS)" "(WATER DRIPPING)" "Why aren't they waking up?" "I don't know, Goose." "They're your drugs." "You used the right amount?" "Yeah, I used exactly how much you told me to." "'Cause the last time I used this drug, they weren't passed out for this long." "Okay." "Are you sure they're rich?" "AMBER:" "Yeah, their profiles said they were." "One of them's president of an oil company, so..." "No, they look like they're from high school, you know." "This one looks like he has no hair down below, you know." "This soft white guy with a tight cheek." "Very tight cheek, don't you?" "Yeah, you do." "Hey, little boy, how are you?" "(YELLING)" "This black guy right here wants to play games with Daddy, huh?" "For me." "(YELLS)" "Are they even alive?" "Shh... (YELLING)" "(MOANS)" "(GRUNTING)" "That seemed to work." "Yeah." "(GASPS)" "(SCREAMING)" "Duncan?" "(SCREAMING)" "Okay." "Shut up, shut up, shut up." "Shut the fuck up." "Okay?" "What do you want from us?" "All right." "Listen here, little boy, okay?" "I'm gonna be asking the questions and you guys are gonna be giving the answers." "(POUNDING ON DOOR)" "GOOSE'S MOM:" "Jung-Hoon!" "Can you keep it down?" "I'm trying to watch Ellen." "Mom, I'm busy, okay?" "Stop interrupting us." "GOOSE'S MOM:" "Okay, sweetheart." "I love you." "I love you, too." "Amber tells me that you guys are rich, huh?" "No, we're not rich at all." "Oh, you're not rich at all?" "Then how come I got this off your neck, giant talking black homeboy?" "Drinking the juice in the hood, yeah?" "Fuck, man, that's fake." "Shit, man, we're poor as shit." "(SOBS) Man, we're still in high school." "Liars, you told me you're president of an oil company and you said you create video games." "We made that up to impress you." "Amber, you dumb-dumb." "You're a dumb-dumb." "Baby, they're lying." "You saw them, they pulled up in some fancy-ass limo at the restaurant, right?" "You betrayed us, Amber." "How could you?" "And where the fuck is Violet, huh?" "Does she even exist?" "(LAUGHS MANIACALLY)" "This is what happens when you send a woman to do a man's job." "You know what I'm saying?" "(LAUGHS)" "A man?" "Oh, yeah, you think you're a man?" "Yeah, a man doesn't send his girlfriend of three years to go kidnap some kids because he is too much of a pussy to do it himself." "Excuse me for a moment." "I'll be right back." "What are you doing?" "(WHISPERS) Yeah, I don't know." "What am I doing?" "Okay, I'm wasting my life with some out-of-shape, wannabe-gangster loser." "The reason why I'm out of shape is I'm out there, trying to provide for you, okay?" "I don't have time to go to the gym, all right?" "I'm genetically fat." "Fuck you, Goose." "You don't provide shit." "You're 37, and you still live at home with your mom." "GOOSE'S MOM:" "Honey, dinner's ready." "I'm not hungry, Mom." "GOOSE'S MOM:" "Are you sure?" "I made kimchi stir-fry." "Your favorite." "Oh, you did?" "(GRUNTS)" " Help us." " Don't say another fucking word." "Mama, what are you doing down here?" "Oh, honey, I didn't know you had friends over." "How rude of me." "Your friends should join us for dinner." "No, thanks, Mom, because we're rehearsing with our new boy band and the black guy is the lead singer." "He is very good." "I'm tired of always eating alone." "What if I die tomorrow?" "Then you will feel guilty for the rest of your life." "If you and your friends don't join me for dinner, you're going to have to start paying rent." "You guys hungry?" "(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)" " (ORIENTAL MUSIC PLAYING) - (CHOPSTICK CLACKS)" "(GOOSE CHUCKLING)" "You scared?" "You boys will love my famous kimchi stir-fry." "(CHUCKLES) Thank you, Mrs. Pak." "(SPEAKING KOREAN)" "GOOSE'S MOM:" "Sure, dig in." "(GOOSE HUMMING)" "AMBER:" "Mmm." "Yum... (CELL PHONE CHIMES)" "Who's Kaylee?" "She keeps texting one of you guys." "It's really beginning to piss me off." "You leave her out of this." "Oh..." " How do you boys know Jung-Hoon?" " Yeah." "I mean, Goose." "Goose, Goose. (CHUCKLES)" "Mom, I'm creating a new app and these guys are my new investors." "Oh, I didn't Know you were working on a new app." "What is this one about?" "It shows the nearest street corner where you can get drugs from." "It's called Dealer." "There's nothing out there like it." "(GOOSE CHUCKLES)" "Supposedly, it's gonna make us millionaires, so... (LAUGHS)" "GOOSE'S MOM:" "If you need money, just sell your watch." " It's a piece of junk anyway." " (CHUCKLES)" "Mom, this watch give me major street credibility, okay?" "I cannot create an app without street cred, okay, Ma?" "DUNCAN:" "You know what?" "This Dealer app of yours, it sounds a bit shady." "How is it legal to assist in the purchasing of drugs?" "There's nothing illegal about it, okay?" "Amber did research, okay?" "Everything is good." " I googled." " She googled." "Well, can't the police just use that to find drug dealers?" "That's not how it work, okay?" "Hey, why so many questions?" "Well, if I'm going to be an "investor" in your app, then, surely, I need to make sure it's worth my money." "Oh, you getting aggressive, I like it." "(GOOSE LAUGHING)" "(SOFTLY) Shut up, Duncan." "I like this white boy." "He's soft like Macaulay Culkin, Home Alone." "Do the..." "Oh!" "(GOOSE LAUGHS)" "Hey..." "I'm not gay, but I'd do you." "AMBER:" "You always say that." "You tell a guy you'd fuck him, but that you're not gay." "I know." "I'm not gay, it's experimental." "(CELL PHONE BUZZES)" "Oh, hey, look, Kaylee calling." "Hey, Britain, you don't think I can do a British accent?" " I show you." " Oh, great." "I practice, ha." "Wait." "Hello." "Oh." "KAYLEE:" "Jack, I texted you the address." "1212 Rose Avenue." "Let me check." "Yeah, I got it." " Kaylee." " (BANGS)" "KAYLEE:" "Okay." "Cool." "I can't wait for you to see what I'm wearing tonight." "I think you'll like it." "Oh, that sounds bloody great." "Cheers." "And one last thing." "Kaylee, go fuck yourself, you bitch." " KAYLEE:" "What?" " How could you say that?" "Oh, you gonna cry?" "Huh?" "(LAUGHS)" "Hey, Mom, I have to cut dinner a little short." "I have some business to take care of." "Okay." "Hey, black guy, fudgy face." "Stand up, you coming with me." "(OBJECTS CLATTERING)" "Stand up!" " He means you." " GOOSE:" "Get up." "Don't cry, Twilight vampire." "Remember Twilight?" "The vampire." "White guy like that." "(LAUGHING)" "Get in there." "Little bitch." "(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING IN CAR)" "(TIRES SCREECH)" "Listen up, jackass, okay?" "You gonna put in your PIN number at the ATM." "I'm gonna pull out the money, and then you're gonna act like there's nothing wrong." "Good plan, right?" "(SHOUTS) Do not fuck this up." "Dude, you're gonna love this Pineapple Kush, man." "Is it gonna give me the best high?" "Last time I smoked this, I watched conspiracy videos online for, like, six hours straight." "Awesome." "Here." "Thanks for shopping at Weed-N-Munchies, dude." "See ya." "(DOOR JANGLES AND OPENS)" " Hey, welcome to Weed-N-Munchies." " Okay, whatever." "(SIGHS)" "(DOOR JANGLES OPEN)" "CLERK:" "Welcome to Weed-N-Munchies." "Fuck." " Hurry up, man." "Let's go, let's go, let's go." " (BANGS)" "(DUNCAN SIGHS)" "Hurry up." "Do it." "(ATM MACHINE BEEPS)" "(CLAPS HANDS AND SIGHS)" "MAN:" "Come on, guys, let's move it along." "(WARNING BEEP)" " Oh, shit." " What's goin' on?" "Let's go, buddy." "Who doesn't know their fucking PIN?" "I'm sorry." "I'm under a bit of pressure at the moment." "Would you guys quit butt-fucking around?" "I have a Blindr date." "She's 420-friendly." "Oh, somebody wants to fuck or something." "Shut up." "(SNIFFLING AND SOBBING)" " Are you crying?" " No." "You sound like a pussy teenager." "I am a teenager." "Look, we're not gonna hurt you, okay?" "As soon as Goose gets the money, we're gonna let you guys go, so suck it up." "I should never have told Duncan to lie about us being rich." "Are you guys seriously not rich?" "No, I'm just an unemployed high school student who's scared to talk to girls." "And now I'm never gonna see Kaylee again." "She thinks I called her a fucking bitch." "Hey, Heather." "I'm sorry I'm late." "I'm behind these two fucktards at the ATM." " What the fuck?" " Who can't get their shit together." " (ATM BEEPS)" " Motherfucker." " (SIGHS) And it's done." " Yes." "Okay." "MAN:" "I think these morons finally got it right." "I gotta go." "I'll see you soon." "(WARNING BEEPS)" "Hey, Bigfoot, I think your ATM is broken." "It says it has a $500 limit." "Dude, $500 is all you can take out of that thing." "We live in America, right?" "Have you ever used an ATM before, dumb-ass?" "You have a problemo, amigo, huh, with me?" "Oh, you wanna go, Jackie Chan?" "Hey, there's an old saying, "You wake up the sleeping dragon," ""he might have sex with your face."" "Oh, calm down, guys, calm down." "Dude, I just rolled this fat, sick joint." "Let's smoke it, chill out, have fun, be friends." "MAN:" "Fuck!" "(DOOR JANGLES OPEN)" "(ENGINE STARTS)" "(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS)" "That's what happens when you fuck with me, Goose. (GRUNTS)" "(TIRES SCREECH)" "She's the most beautiful girl in the whole world." "Every time I see her, I get butterflies." "Aw..." "That is so sweet." "I remember when Goose used to say stuff like that about me." "But now all he thinks about is himself." "Why are you still with him?" "He's so mean." "(SIGHS) I know, right?" "I don't know, he didn't used to always be like this, like, he used to be more charming." "He would bring me flowers when I was at work." "He would fuck me real hard and good." "We would have dinner in public, you know what I mean?" "Like, normal stuff." "I still don't think you should be with Goose." "You can do a lot better." "Thank you." "You know what?" "When Goose gets back, I'm gonna get your phone and I'm gonna call Kaylee, and I'm gonna tell her you did not called her a fucking bitch." " You would do that?" " Yes." "You guys are sweet boys, aren't you?" "(THUDS)" " Fuck you." " Why would you do that?" "What the hell?" "I just rescued you, bitch." "You idiot!" "She was gonna call Kaylee for me." "Well, I've stolen Goose's car, so we need to leave now." "What the fuck?" "What the fuck?" "Where's Goose?" "Goose got in a fight with a crazy guy and got knocked the fuck out." "(DUNCAN GRUNTS)" "He's gonna fucking kill us." "Oh, my God." "Not if he can't catch us." "That's why we need to move and get in the car now." " Yo, what's up, people?" " (HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)" "Check out my new pimp ride." "And in shotgun, we got Jack, the pussy." "What are you doing?" " Dude, relax." " (HORN BLARING)" "Watch where you're going, and I don't wanna be in your stupid vlog." "(SIGHS) Dude, I saved us both." "The least you can say is, "Thank you."" "(CHUCKLES) You stole a drug dealer's car." "That's not all I stole." "Pah!" "Why did you take that?" "(CHUCKLES) Wait, let me think." "Because, uh..." "Fuck him. (LAUGHS)" "Great reasoning." "Did you at least get our phones?" "Oh, shit." "Let me get this straight." "You made a conscious effort to steal a drug dealers car and watch, but you didn't think to get our phones?" "Oh, Jack, come on, I had a lot on my mind." "Fuck!" "We have no phones, no girls, and no way of getting to this party." "(SIGHS)" " I don't feel so well." " Wait, what do you mean?" "Pull over." "I'm gonna hurl." "Oh, fucking hell, Jack." "Yo, don't be too long, you know this car is stolen." "(ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING)" "Yo, space 'em out, Toph." "It's gotta look fresh, bro." "Bro, it's gonna look fresh." "All right." "Yo, look at me." "No time for mistakes, okay?" "Fourth quarter." "Game's on the line." "All right?" "Peeps gonna be showing up any minute now." "You think Kaylee's gonna take you back tonight?" "Toph, what kinda question is that, man?" "Look at me, of course she is." "Plus, I only cheated on her, like, what, three or four times?" "And one of them was an HJ, so barely counts." "Dude, I remember that." "Didn't she almost rip your dick off?" "Yeah." "Yeah, she did." "Jackhammer Jillian." "She was like... (GRUNTING) I was like... (YELLS)" "Bitch was crazy." "I remember the pictures you sent me." "You got a big-ass dick." "I'm kinda jealous." "Yeah, I do." "I got a huge dick, Toph." " You should be jealous." " I'm actually really jealous." "Yeah." "Well." "Thank God my dick's all healed up now." " Take me to 307 Butler." " Who the fuck are you?" "Aren't you my Uber driver?" "No, I am not your Uber driver." "Well, shit, can't you just take me?" "I've been waiting here 20 minutes on my damn ride." "You know what?" "I think I'm good." "I've already got one guy trying to kill me." "Come on, man." "I'll give you 5 bucks." "Fuck no." "20?" "Oh, God." "(SIGHS)" "Who is this creepy guy?" "I'm not creepy, but I am fixing to go to this killer party right now." "Will there be girls at this party?" "Oh, yeah." "There'll be tons of vagina there." "Every bone in my body is telling me that this is a bad idea." "Jack." "I know this guy might look like a..." "Creepy pedophile, but he may be our ticket to Tucker's party." "Come on, man." "Let's go." "We're missing all the fun." "Trust me." "If it's weird, we're leaving." "Dude, come on, it's not gonna be weird." "Okay, it's weird." "Password?" "Nipple fuck." "Welcome to the Pleasure Palace." "Please, come in." "Ooh, the Pleasure Palace." "You guys don't have too much fun tonight." "(ERNIE CHUCKLES)" "The King will see you now." "(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)" "Yeah, this might've been a bad idea." "I'd rather be with Goose." "Do y'all know who I am?" "Uh..." "My name is King Pleasure." "And y'all two boys are right on time, 'cause the festivities have just begun." "(MAN GRUNTING)" "(BOTH YELLING)" "Silence!" "You're scaring Lazarus." "Now y'all two boys be still, and let Lazarus here inspect you." "(SNIFFING)" "So, tell me, how do you like this song?" "This song is appropriate for the moment." "(GRUNTING)" "Well, just as I suspected." "Lazarus has found you both to be virgins." "(CLEARS THROAT) No." "The girls waiting for you love virgins." "Well, you boys ready to get laid?" "(MAN AND WOMAN MOANING)" "My father built this place back in the year 1989." "That was just before he suffered a terrible accident." "He was the first man ever to be eaten alive by an otter." "Not a pretty sight." "(SIGHS) You boys turned out sexier than I could've ever hoped." " Your safe word is "Jumanji." - (SLAPS)" "(YELLS)" "(DOOR CLOSES)" " (WOMAN MOANING)" " Now, of course, as the oldest boy, it was my responsibility to avenge my father's death." " (MAN PANTING)" " So I tracked that otter for two months through the swamps of Louisiana." "And when I found him, well, let's just say we both knew only one of us was leaving those swamps alive." "(MAN AND WOMAN MOANING CONTINUES)" "(SIGHS) Your safe word is "Yes."" "(CHUCKLES)" "Enjoy." "Hey, sweet thing." "Won't you come over here and let Mama give you a massage?" "I guess a massage sounds nice." "Yes, so I've been coming here for about three years, it's really good for business." "There's just something about screwing strangers that just really turns me on, you know what I mean?" "(CHUCKLES)" "(INHALES SHARPLY)" "(GRUNTS AND CHUCKLES)" "(SNORTS)" "Usually, I have a room that has a peep hole so that everybody can watch, 'cause people wanna watch, you know what I mean?" "And, one time, I was here with four old men, and when I say old, I mean really old, like, ages 75 to 80." "And I was afraid that they wouldn't be able to get it up, but I totally got them up." "(INHALES FORCEFULLY)" "So. (CHUCKLES)" " Do you wanna fuck me?" " Yes." "Cool." "Oh, you are such a baby." "How old are you?" "Eighteen." "Mmm." "Old enough." "(BOTH GRUNT)" "You like Mama's massage?" "That feels good." "You're very strong." " Do you want a happy ending?" " (GASPS)" "Do you want me to stop?" "Yes, yes, yes, yes!" " (JACK GRUNTING)" " Sounds like your friend is having fun." "I love you." "(INHALES SHARPLY)" "(GRUNTS)" "I was yelling the safe word." "Why didn't you stop?" "Jack?" "What the fuck?" "Frog Boy?" "Frog Boy." "Are you ready?" "Yes." "(CAMERA BEEPS)" " This is how we Brits do it in America." " (CHUCKLES)" "Duncan, we gotta go!" " (CAMERA BEEPS)" " Jack, not now!" "I just got a massage from Principal Raheem!" "We have to leave now!" "(INHALES SHARPLY) I'm gonna let you two figure this out." "(YELLS) How could you, Jack?" "I was finally about to gel laid, and you ruin it by being a fuckin' huge cockblock!" "I can't take you seriously with that boner." "(MUFFLED) If your friend wants to join, I love threesomes." "We are not having a threesome." "Literally, all you had to do was wait two minutes, and I would've had the greatest night of my life." "(YELLS) The greatest night of my life, bro." "Really?" "The greatest night of your life?" "Are you on drugs?" "(INHALES SHARPLY)" " (GRUNTS) - (TABLE WOBBLES)" "(SCREAMING)" " Get it off!" "Get it off!" " (DUNCAN SCREAMING)" "Holy shit!" "Holy shit!" "Holy shit!" "(DUNCAN SOBBING)" "(SCREAMING)" "What is that?" "Is that lube?" "She's not responding!" "Fuck!" "Oh, God, Leslie, don't die on me!" "(SOBBING)" " DUNCAN:" "You're too young and beautiful!" " (KNOCKING ON DOOR)" "POLICEMAN:" "Police." "Open up." "Stop your fucking immediately." "Up against the wall." "Spread it." "Give me that!" "Oh, we need to get the fuck out of here." "Shit!" "The car's blocked in!" "They're gonna think we killed her." "(STUTTERS) We're gonna go to jail." "I'm gonna lose my virginity to a bunch of big, black, hairy dudes, and they're gonna fuck me in the ass, bro." "They're gonna bend me over and fuck my tight little ass, and there's nothing I can do about it!" "I'm just gonna..." "What the fuck are you doing?" " I'm getting out of here!" " You can't just fucking take her car!" "You can't just leave her here!" "Are you coming or not?" "Ugh, fine!" "Which one is it?" "Oh, for fuck's sake." "Would you stop pulling so hard on my ribs?" "What the hell am I supposed to do?" "You're literally taking up all the space." "Why don't you just get off and let me go to this party by myself?" "Ever since Kaylee pretended to like you, you've just become such an asshole." " (DOG BARKING)" " Get off." " I'm not getting off." " Get off!" " No!" " Fine, then I'll get off." "Oh, just walk away, you pussy." "You know what?" "Today would've been a pretty good day if you didn't take me on that stupid blind date with you." "You wanted to go on that blind date just as much as me, so you could see your precious Kaylee." "Things with Kaylee would've been just fine if you would've taken our phones back from Goose, or not have knocked out Amber." "And on top of that, you took us to that stupid fucking sex party where I was molested by Principal Raheem." "You know I could've easily gone to the party by myself?" "But, hey, I was trying to be a good friend by talking to Tucker so you could come with me." "A good friend?" " You think you're a good friend?" " Yeah." "You're the most selfish person I've ever met!" "Selfish." "You're calling me selfish?" "All you've wanted to do the whole day is meet up with some girl that barely even knows your fucking name." " Fuck you, Jack." " Fuck you, Duncan." "I'm finding away in." "I'm glad this is gonna be the last night we're gonna be together." "So am I." "Have fun banging the BLOB." "I'm sure you'll need a condom." "(WHIRRING)" " (DOOR OPENS) - (GOOSE GROANING)" "The fuck happened to you?" " Me?" " Yeah." "I was attacked and my car was stolen." "What happened to the little guy?" "The one you let get away knocked me out." "I woke up, I don't know where the fuck they are." "Holy fuck!" "Okay, how about don't get robbed by a teenager?" "Okay?" "How about that?" "And that little fucker, he stole my watch." "I'm gonna kill him." "They're both gonna die." "I am gonna pull my gun on black guy." "(IMITATES FIRING)" "Twilight... (IMITATES FIRING) Dead." "Who cares about your stupid fucking watch, okay?" "What about your girlfriend, huh?" "You know what, Goose?" "I'm done." "I'm done." "Oh, no, no, no, baby, don't leave me." "You know it's hard to find a white girl that likes an Asian guy." "Come on." "I love you so much, baby." "You're the love of my life." "I love you." "For real?" "Yeah, you know, sometimes I know I'm not a good boyfriend, but I do everything I can to provide for my lady, you know." "You're my pookie bear." "Who my pookie bear?" " I your pookie bear." "Me." " (BOTH CHUCKLING)" "You my pookie bear." "(SIGHS)" "Okay, well, then kiss me if you mean it." "Oh, yeah?" "You want me to kiss you, baby?" "Oh, my God, you will?" "(SIGHS)" "(CELL PHONE CHIMES)" "The party." " Oh..." " Are you fucking serious?" "The party." "The party." "The party." "Mom, change of plans." "You gonna drop us off at 1212 Rose Avenue." "Oh, us?" "Oh, no, no, no, no, no, honey." "(SOBS) You know what, Goose?" "You and I are over." "Stick your two-inch dick in someone else." "Don't leave me, pookie bear." " It's not two inches, it's three." "Hard." " (DOOR SLAMS)" "Damn it!" "(MUSIC PLAYING)" "What the fuck you want, bro?" "I'm here for Tucker's party." " (SIGHS) Are you on the list?" " Yeah." "(SIGHS)" "What's your first name?" "Uh, Duncan." "Oh, yeah, Duncan." "Yeah, you're not on the fuckin' list." "What up, biatch?" "Where are the girls?" "And where the fuck are your clothes?" "(SIGHS) Tucker, I tried so hard." "First of all, we met up with this really hot girl, and she was supposed to bring her really hot friend, but then we got kidnapped by her boyfriend." "But luckily, we managed to escape." "Then we went to this crazy place called the Pleasure Palace." "There was a king, and there was a midget, and then I found this other hot girl, and I was gonna bring her to the party, but then she OD'd on coke." "Coke, man." "Coke." "So I had to Segway from there all the way to here." "Pretty much what I am trying to say is that" "I tried so, so hard to get here, and it would mean the world if you could just let me in and have some fun..." "Fuck!" "(SIGHS)" "Dude." "You can't come in." "Are you sure we can't make an, uh, arrangement?" "Yeah." "I'm gonna need some clothes, too." "(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)" "Let's go, fucking little bitches, no more dudes." "Dude, are you okay?" "Fuck you, Topher." "TOPHER:" "Oh, yeah, you guys can still fuck each other tonight." " Aw, like we're gonna fuck each other." " Yeah, we wouldn't do that, right?" "(DOOR SLAMS)" " (CAT MEOWS) - (GASPS)" "TUCKER:" "Hey, Mr. Pickles, I'm coming." "Why's this door so hard to open?" "Open, you piece of shit." "Mr. Pickles, are you ready for your big moment, buddy?" "Everyone's excited to see you." "Where are you, man?" "What are you doing under the bed, you little silly-willy?" "(GASPS) What..." "No." "No!" "(SOBS) Oh, my God!" "Who did this to you, Mr. Pickles?" "TOPHER:" "What's wrong, Tucker?" "Mr. Pickles was murdered!" "He's dead!" "TOPHER:" "Don't worry, we'll find the motherfucker who did this" " and make them pay." " (SOBBING)" " Hold me." " I'm here for you, man." " (MUSIC PLAYING CONTINUES) - (INDISTINCT CHATTER)" "Damn." "The things I would do to have one night with one of those girls." "The trick with girls is you need to insult them." "Bring their self-esteem down, and then go in for the kill." "(SCOFFS) Does that really work?" "Yeah." "This book I'm reading has a whole chapter on it." "It also says, "Lowering the quality raises the quantity."" "Take her, for example." "That's the kind of girl we need to find." "The BLOB." "Not her." "Not yet." "Them." "That color doesn't look good on you." "Excuse me?" "And are you texting her how much of a slut you are?" "Seriously?" "That's your pickup line?" "You guys are creeps." "And fuck you, Chocolate Rain." "(GROANS)" "Great advice, man." "TUCKER:" "And he's just, like, under my bed, dead." "I'm like, "Are you alive?"" "He doesn't say anything 'cause he's dead, you know?" "Look, you don't get it, okay?" "Mr. Pickles was my best friend." "He's all I had." "He's all I ever had, and now he's dead." "(SOBBING)" "And is it supposed to be okay?" "No." "I'm sad, okay?" "(GIRLS LAUGHING)" "Just tell her the truth." "Everything is gonna be fine." "(GIRLS GIGGLING)" "Kaylee." "What the hell do you want?" "I thought we were, you know, gonna hang out a bit tonight." "Well, yeah, I wanted to until you called me a fucking bitch." "Funny thing is, that wasn't me." "I was actually kidnapped earlier today." " (SCOFFS) Really?" " Yeah." "That guy you spoke to on the phone, that's the guy who kidnapped me." "His name is Goose." "(GIRLS GIGGLING)" " Goose?" " Yeah." "Okay." "Calling me a bitch is one thing." "But lying straight to my face?" "And I thought you were one of the nice guys." " Stop the car!" "Stop!" "Stop, Mama, stop." " (TIRES SCREECH)" " God damn." " (MUSIC PLAYING)" "Those two little shits don't know what's coming to them." "Mama?" "Yes?" "(SOBS) Do you believe in me?" "Ever since you were a little baby, I knew you would be special." "You can do what you put your mind to." "I am gonna make you proud, Mama." "But make it fast so I can see the end of my show." " Okay, you'll watch your show." " Yes, yes." "Those two little motherfuckers are dead." "That's right." "Right." "That's my son." "Yes." "My son." "All right, you little horny freaks, stop grinding on each other for two seconds, 'cause I know we've been waiting all night for the big surprise, but wait no longer, 'cause right here, on stage," "performing his first ever original rap song, the daddy of Mr. Pickles," "Mr. 10 Million Subscribers, give it up, Tucker fucking Jones." "(ALL CHEERING)" "(WHISTLING)" "Check it out, check it out, check it out, check it out." "Oh, yeah." "GIRL:" "Fuck me, Tucker!" "(SCREAMS)" "Yo, this song right here is dedicated to my cat, Mr. Pickles." " I found him murdered in my room earlier." " (ALL GASP)" "MAN:" "No!" "But you know what?" "It's all good." "We got Topher checking the security cameras," " and we're gonna find that motherfucker." " MAN 2:" "Yeah." "And we're gonna make him pay." "Play that shit." "(MUSIC PLAYING)" "TUCKER: (RAPPING) # Yo!" "# Tucker Jones on the mic, uh, yeah" "# Back when I was 16 Captain of the football team" "# Nothing could stop me Until I hurt my knee" "# Doc said I'd never play again, but I did" "# I got tiger blood in me" "# I'm here to win, biatch #" "Kaylee, can I talk to you for a few seconds?" "Can you give me, like, two minutes?" " What now?" " I really like you." "And I went through a lot of trouble to see you here tonight." "(SCOFFS SOFTLY)" "Every time I see you, I get butterflies." "And I've never felt like that before with someone." "(SIGHS) I've had bad experiences with people that lie." "So..." "# To all my haters, you can suck my balls" "# To all my haters, you can suck my balls # You can suck my balls" "# To all my haters, you can suck my balls # You can suck my balls" "# You can suck my balls" "That fucker stole my song!" "# Sucky, sucky, sucky, suck my balls #" "Can we go talk outside?" "It's really loud in here." " Uh, no, thanks, I'm good." " Please?" "Leave me alone." "Just let me go." " Stop!" " Yo, stop the music, man." "(MUSIC PLAYING STOPS)" "Oh, no." "(MIC FEEDBACK)" "KAYLEE:" "Tucker!" "Yo, why did you have your hands on her, bro?" "And why the fuck are you wearing my jersey?" "Leave him alone." "I can handle this myself." "Yo, no one touches her except me, okay?" "We broke up." "I can do whatever I want." "Why don't you shut up, bitch?" "ALL:" "Ooh..." "She's not a bitch." "You're a bitch." "BOY:" "Oh, shit." " What did you just say?" " I said, you're a bitch." "You were dating the most beautiful girl in the whole world and you treated her like shit." " Yeah, so?" " JACK:" "You're an asshole." "She deserves someone better." "What?" "Someone like you?" "Yes." "Someone like me." " (WOMAN LAUGHS) - (INDISTINCT CHATTER)" "Yo, Tucker." " It was him." "He killed Mr. Pickles." " What?" " No, I didn't." " Oh, yeah, you did." " We caught it on camera, too." " Oh, no." " (MEOWS)" " ALL:" "Oh..." "TUCKER:" "Mr. Pickles?" "What are you doing under the bed, you little silly-willy?" "Mr. Pickles, oh, my God!" "Mr. Pickles has been murdered!" "(SOBS) Hold me!" "Yo, I'm gonna kick your fuckin' ass, bro." " GOOSE:" "Freeze!" " (GUNSHOTS)" " (PANICKED SHOUTING)" " Nobody move!" "All you kids having a good time, huh?" "You drinking, having sex with each other." "Chuk, chuck." "Okay?" "And this guy singing." "Gay guy, "Oh, suck my ball, suck the ball."" "No, thank you, I'm not gay, but maybe tonight, okay?" " Now, back away!" " (ALL GASP)" "I have unfinished business with my little cutie-pie right here." " GIRL:" "Oh, shit." " (YELLS) Where's my car?" "It's at the Pleasure Palace." "What the fuck is a Pleasure Palace?" "It's where they have sex, and there's a beaver and a midget." "GOOSE:" "Ooh, I love beaver-midget sex." "It get me hard, you know what I mean?" "Give me my keys and my watch." "I don't have them." "And where's your black friend?" "The one that looks like Whoopi Goldberg?" "I don't know." "Hey, you Asian bitch, you can't just come into my party with a fucking gun, acting like you own the place." "You need to fuckin' leave." "(LAUGHING)" "Look at this big guy talking to me, huh?" "You think you're Superman 'cause you look like Brandon Routh?" "I have HRS, Hidden Retard Strength." " I will fuck you!" " (ALL SCREAM)" "Yeah, I wanna fuck you, I wanna fuck you bad, bro." "I'm fucking loco." " (BOTH GRUNTING)" " Oh!" "Whoo!" "(CHUCKLES) Oh, I'm gonna fuckin' enjoy this shit." " (GRUNTING) - (PANICKED SHOUTING)" "That was awesome!" "(ALL CHEERING)" "Party's back on." "(MUSIC PLAYING)" "Shit, Tucker, wake up, dude." "Tucker?" "You just got knocked out, dude." "Who was that guy?" "He was gonna kill you." "That's the guy who kidnapped us." " Is that the truth?" " Yeah." "That's the little Asian motherfucker that wanted to fuck on me, huh?" "Fuck you!" "I'm sorry." "Why the fuck are you guys still partying?" "Someone help me." "Fuck, come on, Tucker." "All right, guys, now we're gonna slow it down a little bit." "'Cause, here, to perform his original song," "You're Always Loved, give it up for my boy Golden." "(CHEERING)" "# She's the part in the movie where it all adds up" "# So caught up in her eyes" "# Oh, can't look away, I'm hypnotized" " Look, man..." " No, you're right." "I'm an asshole." "And I'm selfish." "I'm sorry I dragged you into all of this shit tonight." "You don't need to apologize." "I shouldn't have called you a bad friend." "I was being selfish, too." "So, um, are we cool?" "We're cool." "# I will be there, I'll be there" "# When the words just come out wrong" "# And you're sick of the love songs" "# I will be there, I'll be there" "Hey, do you mind if I borrow Jack for a little?" "Not now, Kaylee!" " Duncan." " (CHUCKLES) I'm just kidding." "Go ahead, my lady." "# I'll be there to help" "# Oh, yeah" "# And when you're giving up" "# Just know you're always loved" "# You're always loved #" "Hey, I'm sorry about tonight." "I was being such a bitch." "I can't believe I..." "I accept your apology." "(MUSIC PLAYING CONTINUES)" "(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)" "God, he's so fat." " Anyway, cheers, mate." " Cheers." "You were a hero out there." " Thanks." " I made you a new note." "(SIGHS)" "Tabitha, have you met my new best friend?" "(CHUCKLES) Hi, Tabitha." "I'll be right back." "That color doesn't look good on you." "Oh, really?" "Scarlett?" "It's me, Duncan." "You were my sex teacher this morning." "(CHUCKLES) Oh, my God." "Hey, you." "What are you doing here?" "I'm Tucker's sister." "Oh, wow." "I'm so sorry." "Don't worry about it." "He had it coming for him." "He's a total dick." "You're so much more beautiful in real life." "(CHUCKLES) Thanks." "I'm really sorry I cut our session short." "I know it sounds kinda weird, but I was kinda turned on by what you were doing to the doll." "Do you wanna finish up the lesson in my room?" "I would love nothing more." "Come on." "(BOTH GIGGLING)" "Wait." "I've got something I need to tell you." "What?" "You're a virgin?" "How did you know?" "I could tell. (CHUCKLES)" "(CHUCKLES)" "Boober?" "I can help you out with that." "Take off your fucking clothes." "Yes, ma'am." "(GRUNTS)" "(UPBEAT MUSIC STARTS PLAYING)" "Mmm." "You wanna learn about sex?" "I'm gonna teach you everything you need to know tonight." "(PANTING) Teach me everything." "You'll always remember your first time." "God bless America." "(BOTH SCREAMING)" "We're not virgins any more!" "This is what we do." "South Africa and England." " We go in your country and take your women." " Whoo!" "(BOTH SCREAMING)" "Boys, where have you been?" "Your flight leaves in two hours." "I tried both your cells, straight to voice-mail." "Sorry." "Things got really, really crazy." "Were you guys at Tucker's party?" "Go to your room, God damn it." "(HISSES)" "All right, guys, you need to go pack your bags 'cause we have to leave now." "Oh, but, Jack, did you end up hooking up with Kaylee?" "Because all the moms are gonna wanna know. (CHUCKLES)" "She told me not to tell." "Yeah, I fucked Tucker's sister." "Okay, didn't need to know that." "All right, hurry up, go, go." "We should have sex tonight." "Jesus, Lisa, stop it." "(INDISTINCT ANNOUNCEMENT ON PA)" "So I guess this is it." "Dude, come visit me in London sometime." "Only if we get kidnapped and have an orgy." "(BOTH LAUGH)" "Good times." "I love you." "Love you, too, man." "Oh, yeah, don't forget about this." "(GRUNTS)" "My phone." "I took it from Goose after Tucker knocked him out." "You, sir, are a legend." "(CHUCKLES)" "Kaylee sent you some nudes, by the way." "What?" "(LAUGHS) I'm only kidding." "(LAUGHS)" "Kaylee said she's gonna come visit me this summer." "Scarlett said she's gonna give me free sex lessons when I get back." " You deserve those." " Thanks, man." "Let me know where you're going for college, by the way." "I'm thinking about studying abroad." "Fuck yeah." "(GRUNTING)" "You're in, you're in." "Come on, go, go." "(BOTH GRUNTING)" " Fuck!" "Fuck!" " Yeah." "Yeah." " Shit." " Wait." "Wait." "(GRUNTING)" "Did you just come?" "(SIGHS) Yeah." "Oh." "Okay." "AMBER: (LAUGHS) I'm fucking with you." "(LAUGHING LOUDLY)" "(CHUCKLES)" "(LAUGHING)" "(SCREAMS)" "I've totally fucked up my lines!" "(SCREAMS)" "Where's your black friend?" "The one that looks like Whoopi Goldberg?" "(LAUGHS)" "Whoopi Goldberg... (CHUCKLES)" "# I got a big dick #" "(LAUGHS)" "(BOTH SCREAMING)" ""Sorry, I can't make it today." ""I'm too much of a pussy to go meet some blind niggas."" "(LAUGHING)" "AMBER:" "You always say that." "You're not gay, but you'd fuck a guy." "GOOSE:" "I know." "No condom either, you know." " Oh, look." " (CHUCKLES)" "(LAUGHS)" "You were so heroic out there." "(LAUGHING)" " (GASPS) - (OBJECT CLATTERS)" "(LAUGHING)" "(DUNCAN LAUGHING)" "Who my pookie bear?" "I am." "(CHUCKLING)" "Yes." "(LAUGHS)" " Oh, fuck, my head." " (LAUGHING)" "MAN:" "Watch where you're going." "SCARLETT:" "I'm gonna teach you everything you need to know... (DUNCAN LAUGHING)" " SCARLETT:" "Okay, really?" "Really?" " (DUNCAN LAUGHING CONTINUES)" "(LAUGHS) I'm fucking with you again." "Uh-oh!" "(CHUCKLES)" "Shit, cunt." "And let's just say, only one of us left that swamp alive." "Somebody left that door open, so you can just go on in, go ahead now." "That was good times." "Have fun, Shalonda." " JACK:" "Yes!" " (BOTH LAUGHING)" "You took so fucking long..." "(LAUGHING)" "Okay, go do your thing." "(HORN HONKING)" "That's my ride." "I'm just gonna hop on it." "That's what she said." "You think you're Superman 'cause you look like Brandon..." "Do it again." " That hurt so bad." " (ALL LAUGHING)" "(INDISTINCT DIALOGUE)" "JERRY:" "Chef Nelson's or whatever the fuck it's called." " Uh, Chef Nelson's." "He's got a restaurant." " (LAUGHS)" "The crab shack." " JERRY:" "Yeah." " (LAUGHING LOUDLY)" "Imagine getting tag-teamed by those two." " LISA:" "I totally have." "Huh?" "What?" " What?" "MAN:" "Suck my balls, suck my balls," " suck my balls..." " (LAUGHING)" "All right, this is the one." "Suck my balls, my balls." "(LAUGHS) Oh, fuck." "Sorry!" "Oh, there's an old saying, "You open up the sleeping dragon," ""he might have sex with your mouth." Okay?" "CLERK:" "Hey, calm down, guys." "(ALL LAUGHING)" "MAN:" "Hey we go, guys." "(LAUGHING)" "For fuck's sake!" " I don't know what to say." " I don't know what to say to him." "(BOTH LAUGHING)" "MAN:" "Action." "Oh, my... (LAUGHS)" " JACK:" "What's funny?" " DUNCAN:" "I don't know." "JACK:" "Everyone wants to go home, buddy." "(DUNCAN LAUGHING)" "(MUSIC PLAYING)"