"# Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum" "# Fifteen men on a dead man's chest" "# Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum... #" "(Drunken chatter and laughter)" "Avast!" "Hello, boys." "Shiver me timbers, it's Captain Fritton!" "(Laughs)" "Not the fearsome Captain Fritton?" "(Chuckles) Is that what they're saying about me these days?" "How delightful." "Not the Captain Fritton that's robbed a thousand ships and turned the Black Sea red?" " Yeah, yeah." "Yeah, yeah, yeah." " That Fritton?" "You don't want to believe everything you read on the wanted poster." "Now, look here, I'm in an awful hurry - where's Lord Pomfrey?" "Ah, what an honour!" "The famous Captain Fritton aboard my humble vessel." "(Chuckles) Lord Pomfrey." "I've heard so much about you." "Oh, likewise." "I say, golly gosh." " This looks like the real thing." " This isn't just treasure, Fritton." "Really?" "Looks like treasure to me." "This is the solution to the greatest threat mankind has ever known." "(Fritton) Ha ha!" "Which is?" "There is a wench on the throne of England." "There's nothing wrong with the Queen." "There is everything wrong with men taking orders from the weaker sex. (Grunts)" " Aargh!" " Ah!" "Besides, I rather enjoy a woman on top." "You won't get away with this, Fritton!" "I don't see why not." "After all, with this haul I can retire, put my feet up." "Write my memoirs." "I'd start writing quickly, if I were you, because we will hunt you down like the scurvy dog you are!" "Whether it takes two years, twenty years... or four hundred and twenty years!" "Aargh!" "# I predict a riot I predict a riot" "# I predict a riot I predict a riot" " # And if there's anybody left in here - (Siren blaring)" "# That doesn't want to be out there" "# I predict a riot I predict a riot" " OK, Tania, into fifth!" " # I predict a riot" " # I predict a riot - (Both) Whoo!" "# And if there's anybody left in here that doesn't want to be out there" " # I predict..." " Why did you stop?" "We're out of our jurisdiction." "Two eleven to control, over." "(Radio) Over, two eleven." "They're back." "(Cheering)" "Hi." "(Horn beeping)" "# Watching the people get lairy" "# It's not very pretty, I tell thee Walking through town is quite scary" "# And not very sensible La-a-a, la-la-la-la-la-la" " Morning, Bursar." " Morning, Bursar." "# La-la-la-la-la-la" "(All) Oh!" "# I predict a riot I predict a riot" "# I predict a riot I predict a riot..." " Hey, Roxy, promise you'll write me?" " (Sighs)" " Love you, babe." " Whatever." "# I predict a riot" "(All) Oh... my..." "God!" "So, what's he like?" "Grazia said he was totally wild." "Is he wild?" " You just need to know how to tame him." " (Sighs)" " So have you, you know?" " What goes on tour, stays on tour." " That means she didn't." " That means she did." "(All giggle)" " Namaste." " You look well." "Nice holiday?" "Thanks, love, I've just been to India." "Me mate Becky's getting married." " A hen do?" " No, she's Church of England, I think." "(Headmistress) Enter." "(Chuckles)" "Ah, Annabelle, I expect you know why you've been summoned?" "No, Auntie." "Sorry, Miss." "Some women, Annabelle, are born great." "Cleopatra, the Queen me." "Some become great like Mother Teresa or Lady Gaga." "Others have greatness thrust upon them, like Monica Lewinsky." " You fall into the third category." " I'm afraid I don't quite understand." "I'm making you Head Girl." "Crikey." "Former Head Girls have achieved levels of notoriety that mere mortals can only dream of." "Here is a missive from your predecessor, the infamous Kelly Jones. (Chuckles)" "(Girl laughs) That's so funny." "(Kelly) So hey, Annabelle, I think I'm meant to pass on some advice, but what can I say about a school with no rules?" "Remember, if there's one thing about St Trinian's girls, they can smell fear." "(Snarling)" "But, like all predators who hunt in packs, they want a leader." "Now, that's gotta be you, kiddo." "If you want me, call me." "Kelly." "(Grunting)" "Amy." "Amy." "Amy." "Tabitha, when you lift heavy objects, always keep your back straight." "(Gasps, screams)" "(Crash) #... after the party is over the lights come on and I'm sober..." "Oh, don't mind them." "It's just the Flammables." " Why are they called Flammables?" " Have you seen all that polyester?" "Last year one of them took up smoking and half the school burned down." "Ah." "Oh!" " (Groaning)" " Two words " "(Sighs) ...don't get caught." "Next." "Where do I sling my stuff?" "We can make some room in our area, I suppose." "Yeah, er, you could so totally hang out with us." " I mean, you know, if, if you wanted." " Whatever." "Does she look like she'd want to hang out with a bunch of shallow, vacant, facile, peroxide-blonde turbo-skanks?" "You think she'd rather hang out with you and the sulky, sun-dodging emos?" "Yeah, I'd rather have a midnight algebra feast with the geeks." " Like we do that!" " Yeah!" "It was actually trigonometry." "And that's why Lucy will always be a virgin, ohh." "What, as opposed to a brainless slapper?" "Seriously, she'd snog a melon if you drew a mouth on it." "(All gasp)" "That's not fair." "It was a grapefruit, actually, and it was years ago." "Bella, that was a secret!" "Well, I suppose she can try saving the world with the eco-freakos." "(Echoing) Freakos." " Freakos, freakos, freakos." " Hey!" "Maybe we should let Roxy decide who she wants to hang around with." "Yeah?" "Listen, I'm not planning on sticking around for long." " Well, what d'you mean?" " Me and schools don't mix." "So, if it's all the same, I think I'll just find my own space, cheers." "(All sigh)" " She ain't all that, anyway." " Whatever!" "(Sighs)" "Matey." "Camil." "Ah..." "Ho, ho, ho. (Chuckles)" "If you don't mind me saying, you're still angry, aren't you?" "Angry, Fi?" "No, no, no." "Not angry." "I'm just, er, very, very... very disappointed." " Next." " Is that all you got?" "(Tries to whistle)" "Hi, guys." " #... don't care about no one but me" " Hi, guys." " # Get that girl a lifetime away from me" " Hi, guys." "Hi, guys." "Hi, guys!" "As the new head of the student body," "I thought we could hold a meeting every Wednesday to give everyone the opportunity to propose new ideas about the day-to-day running of the school." "(All laugh hysterically)" "Oh, God, you nearly had us there, Annabelle." "Hey, girls, girls, girls, look, she really is Head Girl." "Talk about keeping it in the family." "(Beeping)" "Hey, guys, we just got something really suspicious on CCTV." "Someone just went into the library." "The library?" "I didn't know we had a library." " Who's that?" " I don't know." "(Screams)" "Oh, my gosh." "(Cough)" "Care to explain what's going on, Celia?" "Er..." "Maybe." "No." "I'll get my tongs." "On second thought, why not?" "Happy to." "Oh, I never get to use my tongs!" "Basically, this, like..." "man totally asked me to find it." "What man?" " I can't say." " I'll get my tongs." "I can't say, cos I don't know." " (Sighs)" " I've never seen him before." "He told me where it was, said he'd pay me 20,000 if I got it." "Ha!" "£20,000 for that?" "It looks like something Bianca would wear." "What were you going to spend £20,000 on?" "Turbines." "Wind power." "The ice caps are melting." "Sea levels are rising." "Climate change is the most important issue our generation faces." "With this money we could make this school carbon neutral." "Yeah." "Or we could slide the ring over, split the cash and get our Gucci on!" "Well, judging by the shapes and the markings I'd say it was a ring." " Duh!" " Definitely a ring." "Good." " Any idea how old?" " Yep." " That's my girl." " Here we go." "It's well old." "Idiot." "Jess, man, what are you up to?" "Look, it ain't about its market value." "It's about what it's worth to the individual." "She's right." "The way I see it, twenty's just his opening bid." "I reckon we should squeeze him for double that." " 40, maybe 50 grand." " £50,000?" "(All gasp)" "Now you are talking!" "(Chirping)" "Um..." "That's him." "(Phone chirping)" " Kung-fu grip." " No, Chinese burn!" "Head Girl badge." "I'll do the talking." "(Phone chirping)" "Go on." "You're talking to Annabelle Fritton, Head Girl of St Trinian's." "Well, well, well, little Miss Fritton." "I made you an offer, £20,000." "Deal or no deal?" " No deal." " No deal." " That showed him." " (Girls squealing)" "(Annabelle) Wait." "Shh." " Excuse me?" " I said, no deal." " We want..." " 50." "We want..." "Go on." "...£100,000." "What is she doing?" "I was prepared to be nice." "I was even prepared to be generous, and then you insult my generosity." "The offer is off the table." "No money." "Now, look here, mister, do you have any idea who you're dealing with?" "No, no, no, little Fritton, the question is, do you?" "Because you're about to find out." " 100,000 quid?" " Are you mad?" "For God's sake, Annabelle." "(Phone ringing)" "Kelly, it's Annabelle." "Annabelle." "Hey-hey." "Hi." "Listen, have you got a minute?" "Yeah, I got a minute." "How's life, Head Girl?" "Oh, you know, it's, um, it's great." "Well, not great, but good." "What's happened?" "(Sighs) Oh, it's nothing terrible, it's just... this creepy guy tried to buy an ancient ring off Celia, and he offered her £20,000 and then I went and asked for a hundred." "Then he threatened us." "I think he might be dangerous." "Now everyone wants to kill me, and I don't know what to do." "Sounds like another day at St Trinian's." " I've gotta go." " I don't think I'm handling this as well as I..." "If you wanna take the lead, you've gotta act like you know the way." "Kelly, I've got a bad feeling about this." " Yes!" " Kelly?" "Kelly?" "Gotta fly." "Ciao." "Oh, hang on a minute... (Sighs)" "(Man) Breathe deeply." "Now, rise up into the tangled scorpion." "And hold, and hold." "(Clamour)" " And hold and hold." " (Bell)" " (Screams) - (Crash)" "Go on, go on, go on!" "Shoo, shoo, shoo!" "Get in!" "Get in, everyone!" "(Clamour)" "OK, guys, Paris opens in three." "Let's get busy." "Gold's up." "Gold's up." "Jean-Claude, comment ça va?" "Talk to me." "(Screams)" "Excellent work, girls." "A, er... a very apposite example of one of the many uses of electricity in the modern world." "Who's next?" "Zoe." "# Cos I can get what I want" "# The more that I dream" "(All) # The harder it seems, oh, believe me, yeah..." "Huh?" "It's an electric chair, Miss." "# Can get what I want" "# The more that I dream" "# The harder it seems, oh, believe me, yeah" "# Can get what I want" "# Can get what I need" "# So give in to me, oh, it's easy, yeah" "# I can get what I want the more that I dream" "# The harder I scream, oh, believe me, yeah..." "See you in the Underworld." "What the..." "# The harder I try, the ha..." "What's happened?" "Get me power." "Seriously, if you didn't want me to sing, you should just say so." "I'm going to rather enjoy this." "Would anyone care to tell me what's going on?" "So, basically like... this guy, he offered me £20,000 for a ring from the Fritton archives." "So I..." "So, we figured anybody who's willing to pay 20 would..." "Pay 50." "But Annabelle went and asked for 100." "(All) Yeah." " (Sighs)" " Idiot." "May I see this ring?" "Go on." "I mean, what we don't get, Miss, yeah, is why anyone would shell out big benjis for some budget bling." "Anyone wouldn't, Bianca." "Unless, of course..." "the legend were true." "What legend?" "(Chuckles)" "The legend of the Fritton gold." "(Both) Is this a scary story, Miss?" " (Laughs)" " What?" "It is a dark and stormy night, and the year is 1589." "We're sailing on the high seas aboard a galleon, captained by the villainous Lord Pomfrey." "(Laughs)" "His cargo is a vast horde of glittering treasure." "His destination, the coast of England, where he plans to use that treasure to bring down our own great Queen who?" "Hmm?" "Elizabeth I?" "Absolutely right, Jemima." "Oh, the ship ploughs through the waves, rising and plunging, her timbers creak." "Her rigging slaps against the mainsail." "When suddenly, out of the black night, swoops a fearsome figure." " "Avast!"..." " (Girls gasp)" "(Laughs)... he cried." "And swinging like a cat onto the deck is Pirate Fritton." "Fritton - is that?" "Yes, dear, our ancestor, Archibald Fritton, handsome sea dog, who boards the ship, overpowers the crew and makes off with the treasure." " Oh, oh, my, that is gangsta." " It certainly is." "So, so, like, what, what happened to him?" "Neither hide nor hair of him was ever heard of or seen since." "And the treasure?" "Well, as the legend goes, like all good pirates, he hid the treasure and made a map." "This was no ordinary map, Sienna." "He made two rings and engraved half the information on each of them." " And... that is one of the rings?" " Yes." "(Chuckles)" "Who'd have thought it was sitting here right underneath my very nose." "So that's half the clue that will lead us to..." "A super-size stash of bling." " Yes!" " If you believe the legend, yes." "But I must warn you those who choose to pursue it have been driven to the brink of madness and beyond." "Good night, girls." " Treasure." " All-girl moon mission." "Malibu beach house!" "If you believe the legend." "Of course we do." " Code red, code red!" " Oh, my gosh, intruders." " Action stations." " I'll get my tongs." "Well, come on." " # I've waited for so long" " Let's go." "# Put up with your shenanigans" "# I'm going to take you on" "# And you won't know the half of it" "# I'm gonna put you in your place" "# You've got the queen, I've got the ace" "# I'll light you up and smoke you down" "# And watch the rings go round and round" "# Oh, oh, oh-oh-oh" "# It's in whoa-o, whoa-o" "# Whoa-o, whoa-o" "# Whoa-o... (Both) Strength and honour." "(Bell chimes)" "(Man) So, sitting comfortably, somewhere safe, where you won't be disturbed," "take a few moments to get in touch with your breath." "Breathe in... and out." "And in." "(Groans) Come on." "(Groans)" "# Oh, oh, oh-oh-oh" "# It's in whoa-o, whoa-o" "# Whoa-o, whoa-o" "# Whoa-o..." "Hello, boys." "# I'm gonna put you in your place" "# You've got the queen, I've got the ace" "# I'll light you up and smoke you down" "# And watch your world come crashing down..." "Excuse me?" "I don't think we've been introduced." "My name is Camilla Fritton." "My friends call me Millie." "What... should I call you?" "(Man yells)" "(Crash)" " An ambulance, perhaps?" " (Laughs)" "OK, girls." "Wait till you see the whites of their eyes." "(Girls humming)" "(All) # We are the best" "# So screw the rest" "# We do as we damn well please" "# Until the end" "# St Trinian's" "# Defenders of anarchy..." "Wait for it." "Load!" "Wait for it, wait for it." " Fire." " Fire!" " Second rank, fire." " Fire!" "Third rank, fire." "Yes!" " Fourth rank, fire!" " Fire!" "Ever heard of the wall of sound?" "Well, you're about to run into it." " (Loud distorted chord)" " Ha!" "Ow!" "What are you doing?" "Oh!" "(Squeals) Fire!" " Fire at will." " (Clamour)" "# We are the best so screw the rest" "# We do as we damn well please" "# Until the end" "# St Trinian's" "# Defenders of anarchy #" "(All) Losers!" "Losers!" "Losers!" "And don't come back!" "(Man) Ow!" "Did I miss a party or something?" "I don't think it's too serious." "Why don't you sit up?" " Give that girl a pint of blood on me." " Yes, Miss." "Ah." " I tried my best, Miss." " No, rest, dear soldier, rest." "Brave, brave soldier." "You did St Trinian's proud." "What's the news - victory for the home team?" "Well, they won't be coming back again, that's for sure." "Oh, thank God." "(Helicopter)" "(Screaming)" "Keep quiet and still!" " (Girl screams)" " Don't move!" "Stay calm." "Quite the entrance." "Of course..." "one could have used the front door." "Yes, but it wouldn't have looked nearly so cool. (Chuckles)" " Who are you people?" " We're your worst nightmare." "You're not the Bee Gees, Take That." "Hope you don't mind me dropping in?" " (Growls) - (Screams)" "I've just come to collect on a debt you Frittons have owed for..." "Ooh four hundred and twenty years or so." "You're a Pomfrey?" "What's Pomfrey?" "Clever girl." "Sir Piers Pomfrey, to be exact." "You must be the ineffable Camilla." "Well... (Laughs)" "Enchanté." "Good heavens, surely you're not silly enough to believe all that silly old legend, about the pirates and treasure and all that bunkum?" "Of course not." "(Gasps)" "Auntie." "That's why we went to so much trouble." "There you are, sir." "And I will have it back." "Now that I have a clue to its whereabouts." "Yes, well, half a clue, sir." " One word of advice, Miss Fritton..." " (Beeping)" "Oh, I'm sorry." "Sorry." "They're great but you never really switch off, do you?" "Bono. (Snorts) Wants to go for beers, again. (Chuckles)" "Anyway, as I was saying, I hope we don't meet again, Miss Fritton, for your sake." "Place looks like a bombsite, by the way." "You ladies really need to keep up the housework." "Bye-bye." "I can't believe it." "She's gonna talk." "Girls... our home, our school..." "our sanctuary, has been violated... and not in a good way." "As you know, fighting is abhorred here in St Trinian's." "But in this case..." "I say to you... they started it!" "But, Miss, what are we gonna do?" "We ain't got the ring." "Ah, yes." "But remember the legend, Jessica." "There are two rings." "To stop these bullies, all we have to do is find the second ring first." "But what about the first ring?" "I'll get to the first ring in a second, Now, girls, we find the second ring first, we infiltrate the enemy camp, and get the first ring... second." "Huh?" "Now..." "They may be many, and we may be few, but anyone who stands beside me in this struggle, what can I say?" "We few... we happy few, we band of sisters." "For she who sheds her blood with me shall be my sister, were she ne'er so vile." "And gentle girls in England now abed, shall think themselves accursed they were not here, and hold their girlhood cheap whilst any speaks who fought with us..." "Oh, yeah." "...upon St Trinian's Day." "(All cheer)" "So..." "I'm going treasure hunting." "Who's with me?" "(All cheer)" "Kinsmen, welcome." "Let us pledge our troth." "To preserve the natural order, menfolk as master, women as cattle under yoke and chain." "She under he for eternity." "I hereby convene this, the 612th congregation of our hallowed brotherhood." "How are we all?" " Very well." " A lot better now we got the ring back." "Hmm." "Hear, hear." "He's a wealthy philanthropist." "A real mover and a shaker." "Yeah." "Everybody seems to love him." " He must be loaded." " I can't find anything negative on him." "Don't be fooled by appearances, girls." "Now, keep looking." "Keep looking." "OK, let's widen the net, girls." "Look for anything mentioning Pirate Fritton." " That looks interesting." " What's that?" "Girls, hey, look, I've got something." "It is... recorded that the pis pis pis..." "It's recorded that the pistol-toting Pirate Fritton left a treasure trail." "It started with a series of playing cards." " Here they are." " On each was written a clue." "Look!" "Look here." ""On the day of our Lord, May 22nd, 1882, I, the Reverend Fortnum Fritton..."" "(Fritton)... after generations failed before me," "I finally found the first ring." "And along with it, the means of finding the second." "What?" "What did he find?" "A widdle." "A widdle?" "A weally old widdle, left by Piwate Fwitton himthelf." " (All) Eugh!" " Oh, oh, oh." "A riddle." "Oh." "That'th what I thaid, thilly." "So where's the widdle now?" " It's a riddle." " Oh." " We found thith." " Fortnum's will." ""And I shall leave a trace of it but not upon this earth. "" "Not on earth?" "So it's what, like in space or something?" "Not upon the earth, but under it." "Thix feet under, perhapth?" "(All) Thix feet under." "Don't take the pith." "Look, I can't believe, right, that we're gonna dig up some rank dead geezer on the off-chance he's got a clue." "This is so creepy." "We are actually walking over dead bodies right now." "There's no reason to be scared of death, cos death's just like, you know, life, but with all the crap bits taken out - like poverty and fascism, and Miley Cyrus." "So, you wouldn't mind if you died?" " I wouldn't mind if you died." " There, look." "He's got powerful friends." "Ah, isn't she marvellous?" "I wouldn't mind getting my teeth around Barack Obama." "And, um here's somebody you might know." "He may be our route to Pomfrey." " # Love is a many-splendoured... #" " Geoffrey." " Maybe you should give him a call." " (Gasps)" "Call him?" "I'd rather cover myself in jam and sit on a wasps' nest." "But he might be our only hope." " Oh!" " (Gasps)" "Never!" "You ever been in love, Steve?" " Oh, God." " Don't bother." "Take my advice..." " Stay away from women?" " Stay away from women." "Look, you gotta forget about her, Geoff." " Move on." "Please!" " How is it possible?" "Behind the toothy smile and the..." "baby blue eyes and the tweed suits, and the Wellington boots, there beats a heart that is callous and self-serving?" " I think you'll find they're brown, actually." " Steve, they're blue." "They are most definitely brown, Geoffrey." "Excuse me if I don't get up." " Won't be the first time." " (Laughs)" " What do you want?" " I want to know... about your little friend, Sir Piers Pomfrey." "Pomfrey?" "Asked you out on a date, has he?" "I hope he knows what he's letting himself in for." "Couple of athletic sleepovers and a bout of ritual humiliation." "Got your private parts out in a national newspaper." "So what?" "Yeah, the pair of you, made for each other." "Marriage made in hell." "Not that I care." "I don't want to get into his pants." "I just want to get even." "Double Baileys on the rocks, please." "Touch of lime juice." "Are we, er, gonna be here long?" "Er, why, you got somewhere to be?" "Oh, I just..." "I'm cold and wet and bored." "She's scared." "You're scared!" "No." "I do this kind of stuff all the time." "So, whatever." "You know, I'm just chilling." "Chill-axing." " (Screams) - (All scream)" "My nails!" "I had just had them done." "(Sighs) I nearly trumped in my trackies." "(Sighs)" "He's dangerous, Camilla." "Orchestrated my downfall " "Pomfrey and his secret society." "Secret society?" "AD1." "They've got members in every crook and nanny." "Government..." "army... police force." " I see." " What's the plot, Fritton?" "I mean, you're not thinking of going up against him, are you?" "Oh, my God, you are!" "They've taken something from me that I intend to get back." "Millie count me in." " Oh, Geoffrey." "(Sighs)" "Oh Geoffrey." " (Belches) - (Groans)" "You're a drunk, a sot, a pale and pickled wreck of a man." "If you were a horse, they'd shoot you." "God!" "Hold it right there, young lady." "I may be... drunk and I may be a sot..." "and I may be a pickled... horse but there's one thing I know about secret societies..." "They're very secretive." "You don't know who they are." "You don't know where they are." "You don't know anything about them unless you're a member or..." "unless, of course..." " You were one yourself." " Mm." "(Groans)" "(Coughs)" "(Groans)" " (Both) Gross." " Oh, I think it's kind of beautiful." "Look, there's something stuck under his hat." "Ohh!" ""This ring will fit no finger," ""but works upon the ear." ""Ala..."" "I can't make out the final lines." "They've rotted away." "Ah-ah-ah." "Ah-ah-ah." "Ah-ah-ah." "Ah-ah-ah." "Ah-ah-ah." "Just like the spirit." "It's like that bit in Ghost." " Ahh." " Bianca, can you hear us?" " Atchoo!" " Ohh!" "Yeah, course I can." "You tit." "We thought you were possessed." "Well, that would make you the tit, then, wouldn't it, you tit?" "Don't call her a tit." "She's not the one who dragged us here." " Desist, you vile creatures!" " Take a chill pill, Annabelle." "I am not Annabelle!" "Oh, yeah." "We nearly almost forgot." "You're Head Girl." "Yeah?" "Big whoop." "(Creaking)" "(Growls)" " (Screams) - (All scream)" "(Growls and laughs)" "The fact of the matter is that people have been living in fear of that man for far too long, and I can tell you something, Millie - I am not afraid any more!" " (Growls)" " Christ!" " Morning, girls." " Morning, Miss." "I can't wait to give him a dose of his own medicine, and watch the pompous prig shrivel like a slug in salt." "We have to act now, strike while the iron's hot." "Revenge is a dish best served cold, Geoffrey." "Welcome to recovery, Mr Thwaites." "And you need to cool down." "We have plans for you, Geoffrey." "I'm just taking every day as it comes, and each day gets better and brighter." "So, my name is Georgiana, and I'm proud to be able to say that I haven't had a drink for six years now." " Oh!" " (Applause)" "Well done, Georgiana." "And now I'd like you all to welcome our newest member." "Geoffrey." "Mr Thwaites." "How lovely to see you here, with me, us, in this room." "Right." "Well, I, I'm Geoffrey and..." " (All) Hello, Geoffrey." " Um..." "Well, I think this is all, all very admirable, but I'm afraid you're rather wasting your time." "You see, I'm not an alcoholic." "I, um, I like a drink." "And who doesn't?" "A nice brandy after dinner." "Couple of whiskies after a round of golf." "A sharpener before lunch." "Glass of tequila with breakfast." "What?" "What on earth's the matter with Annabelle?" "It's kinda hard to say, Miss." "She's not herself." "Yeah, I must say, she's been taking this Head Girl thing a bit too seriously." "No." "No, no, no, it's not that." "Believe, she is really not herself." " (Growling)" " What on earth?" "Where is she?" "(Gasps) Annabelle, you come down here immediately." "I am not Annabelle." "I am Fortnum Fritton." "Scourge of the Bavarian hoof markets." "Terror of the Western Isles." "And I am Camilla Fritton, Headmistress of St Trinian's School For Young Ladies." "So pull yourself together." "Possessing one's own relatives is not the sort of thing we encourage at this school." " (Gasps) Oh!" " (Laughs)" "Really, Fortnum, that is neither clever nor funny." "Now tell me, where is the treasure?" "At last, my beautiful treasure." "I'm rich. (Laughs)" "She's gone Dolce and bananas." "I think we need to exorcise her." "Yeah, she could definitely do with toning up." " Not exercise, genius, exorcise." " Yes." "I heard that." "I cast you out, unclean spirit!" "The rest of the clue, Fortnum, right now, or you'll be in big trouble." "(Chants) There's no place like home, um." "(Groans)" " (Shouts) Get thee behind me, Satan." " Yes, get, get behind her." " Yeah, what she said." " (Groans)" "This ring will fit no finger, but works upon the ear." "Awash with hopes," "I learned the ropes." "You'll find my mast is here." "Mast is here?" "Try this way." "Hi." "How's it going?" "I don't need to!" "All right, losers, have you solved it yet or what?" "(All gasp)" "Ooh, bit touchy today." "D'you want me to give it a go?" "As if, Bianca." "I... think I should have a go." "Girls, we have run it through three super-computers, converted it into numerical equations, anagrammatised it and translated it into 38 different languages." "Do you really think that either of you two are going to crack it?" "(Both) Might." "(Sighs) Be my guest." "(Bianca clears her throat)" "This ring will fit no finger But works upon the ear" "Awash with hopes I learned the ropes You'll find my mast is here" "Find my masters here." "Well, where were his masters?" "His schoolmasters?" "Was it in a school?" "My mast is here." "Like on a boat." "Yeah, yeah." "Like on a boat, you div." "What, can't you hear proper?" "Can't you speak proper?" " Oi, right?" " Yeah, what?" "What are you gonna do?" " No, what, right." "These are coming out." " Hang on." "Hang on!" " She's right." " Huh?" "His school." "That's a homophone." "A homophone is a phrase that sounds the same, but has two different meanings." "Like a pun." "Yeah, I knew that." "So, it is a school." "I was right, it..." "it's Fritton's school!" "We, we cracked it." "We cracked it." "Get in!" "Suck on that, Lucy." "Yeah?" "Yeah?" " In your face." "In your face." " Suck on that, Lucy." " Oh, in, in, in your face." " In, in your face." " Oh, in your face." " Your face." "# Heaven loves ya" "# The clouds part for ya" "# Nothing stands in your way" "# When you're a boy" "# Clothes always fit ya" "# Life is a pop of the cherry" "# When you're a boy" "# When you're a boy" "# You can wear uniforms" "# When you're a boy" "# Other boys check you out" "# You get a girl... #" "Whoa!" "This place is, like, ginormous." "How are we supposed to find a tiny little ring in such a big space?" "Come on, brainiacs." "Any bright ideas?" "I was thinking..." "where are all the fit boys?" "I mean, you promised us hunky men." "And these guys, they're just a bunch of pansies." "Oh, apart from that one." "Look at him." "He's gorge!" "Saffy, that's Bella." " (Saffy) Oh." " Oh." "Bye." "I got his number!" "What do you boys think you're doing here?" "Who are you?" "I'm... (Deep voice) I'm..." "Jonty." "Jonty Barbour." "This is..." "Bufty Rolls-Royce and..." "Sebastian de Billiard." "(Deep voice) We're friends of Wills and Harry." "You know Wills and Harry." "Course you do." "Great guys." " Yeah, great guys." " (Bella) Top lads." "Top, top!" "I ski." "(School bell rings)" "Bugger!" "I've got double maths." "But we'll resume this later." "(Girls sigh)" "Saved by the bell, hey, girls?" "(Saffy chuckles)" " That was brilliant!" " (Bianca) What was brilliant?" "The bell." "Bell." "Saved by the bell!" ""This ring will fit no finger but works upon the ear. "" "The ring of the bell." "Genius!" "(Lucy) Yes!" "It's a clue." "(Lucy) Oh, wow!" ""Your final search from ear to ear." ""An old head lies between." ""Stride southwest from there to here." ""Now take your first 16."" "16!" ""Now southeast in unbroken line." ""Count 100 twice... and 39."" "Southeast." "(Choir sings)" "(Chelsea) Ah!" "Brilliant!" "How are we supposed to get past them?" "Oh, chill out, Bride of Chucky!" "Yeah?" "They're a choir of boys." "Leave this one to me." "Oi!" "Oi, oi, oi, oi, oi!" "I'm not being funny, yeah." "Are you lot serious?" "You lot sound like a bunch of little girlies!" "Right, what you need is a remix, yeah?" "So, like..." "Come closer." "Come closer." "Right, so listen to some of my beats, yeah?" "Like... (Bianca beatboxes)" "Freaky, freaky!" "(Beatboxes)" "Yeah?" "And then some like... (Scratches)" "(Heavy breathing)" "(Screams)" "(Camilla) Good work, Julie." "Thank you." "(Julie) Pleasure, Miss." "Sunday afternoon voodoo class seems to be really paying off." "(Whimpers)" "Kelly wouldn't have got us into this mess." "Kelly wouldn't have got possessed." "(Camilla) My dear child, listen to you." "You need to stop trying to be Kelly Jones and start trying to be..." "Annabelle Fritton!" "No!" "Look at the state of you." "(Groans)" "That's not a hairdo." "That's a hair-don't!" "Oh, for God's sake, face up before I have a prolapse!" "235, 236, 237, 238, 239..." " Bother." " Go on!" "OK, guys, be quick because break starts any minute, yeah?" "(Lucy) Look what he's wearing." "Ah, so now you're the style queen, are you?" "Yeah, we're looking for a ring, not fashion tips." "But he's wearing a ring." "An earring, anyway." "(Chelsea) Yeah." "In a painting." "Headmaster, do we have a boy called Bufty Rolls-Royce?" "Uh... guys, the headmaster is, like, kinda coming this way." "(Roxy) Forget it." "We gotta go." "The window!" "(Clears throat)" "(Gasps) Girls!" ""Your final search from ear to ear"!" ""An old headmaster lies between. "" "(Teacher) Headmaster." "Uh..." "I'm so sorry, sir." "What are you doing, you clumsy boy?" "!" " It is the earring." " Ha!" "In your face!" "In your face!" "Face of a supermodel." "Brain of a supernoodle." "Lucy!" "Do you really think I look like a supermodel?" "(Roxy groans)" "(Saffy) You do!" "You really do!" "What the?" "(Roxy groans)" "Boys?" "Boys!" "Boys!" "Boys, come here at once!" "(Choir beatboxes)" "Come on, come on!" "Later!" "Wait!" "Stop them!" "(Choir beatboxes)" "Come on, boys!" "(Girls cheer)" "(Lucy) Come on!" "Bugger!" "(Chelsea sighs)" "Got it!" "(Girls cheer)" "(Zoe) Are we all in?" "(Roxy) Yeah." "(Chelsea) 51..." "(Lucy) Degrees." "(Chelsea) 30..." "(Lucy) Minutes." " (Bianca) 24..." " Seconds." "It's latitude." "Which means the treasure has to be here." "(Chelsea squeals)" "Or here." "Or here." "Or here." "Anywhere, in fact, along this line." "We need the longitude." "We need the other ring." "Yes, wicked!" "Let's break into AD1 and swipe it back, yeah?" "Oh, tick-tock." "Who's gonna get us inside?" "You and your chav army?" "Uh... we're rude girls." "Rude girls." "Rude girls." "Girls." "Chavs, chavs, chavs..." "Whatever!" "Don't you think this idea is just a wee bit unfeasible?" " Roxy, this is St Trinian's." " Annabelle." "We don't know the meaning of unfeasible." "That's true." "Besides, we've got our way inside." "We've got our inside man." "I must say, you do scrub up rather well, Geoffrey." "And I know I have you and the girls to thank for it." "There's something I want to give you, Camilla." "Oh!" "(Camilla chuckles)" "Oh, look!" "Oh, no, he's simply divine!" "He's so lovely and so licky!" "I bet if he could talk he'd be trying to tell me just how much he loves me." "Oh, Geoffrey!" "I shall call him..." "Heathcliff." "Well, I need to tell you something but I..." "I don't know how." "Oh, just use your lips, Geoffrey." "AD1 are a bunch of women-hating psychopaths." "They're not just any old secret society." "They were formed 500 years ago with one aim in mind - the repression and the subjugation of women." "And you were a member." "Oh, Geoffrey, how could you?" "I was... young." "I was ambitious." "I needed all the help I could get to climb the greasy pole." "Look where it got you." " I've changed, Camilla." " Oh." "The girls are waiting to debrief you." "We'll see how much you've changed." "(Heathcliff pants)" "Heathcliff!" "So I got the lowdown from Geoffrey Thwaites." "He can get us inside." "The safe is in the basement." "And the ring is in the safe!" "Let's get cracking!" "And what exactly do we know about breaking into high-security vaults?" "Not much." "But I know a girl that does." "All right, strangers?" " Hey, Kelly!" " Kelly!" "(Men chant)" " (Thwaites) Ready?" " Ready." "Ready." "Ready." "Ready." "(Men chant)" "(Whispers) Go on!" "Go on!" "(Chanting)" "(Thwaites chants)" "Straight ahead, then turn right." "The vault should be in front of you." "But look out." "There's security everywhere." "Told you." "(Kelly) There she is." " Bingo!" " (Whispers) Wait here." "Kinsmen!" "(Girls gasp)" " What are you doing down here?" " Well..." "Are you wearing lipstick, kinsman?" "(Annabelle grunts)" "Who are you, anyway?" "(Girls giggle)" "(Groans)" "(Tania) Take that, hoodie." "(Lucy) Now tread carefully." "The surveillance room is directly on your right." "(Kelly) Oi." "Oi!" "It's party time." "# My black eye casts no shadow" "# Your red eye sees nothing" "# Your slap don't stick, your kicks don't hit" "# So we remain the same" "# Love sticks, sweat drips" "# Break the lock if it don't fit" "# A kick to the teeth is good for some" "# A kiss with a fist is better than none" "# Whoa" "# A kiss with a fist is better than none #" "Yes!" "(Girls chuckle)" "(Tara and Tania) Oi, geezer!" "What do you want?" "Wow!" "(Both) Uh... (Groans)" "Vulcan death grip." "(Both) Cool!" "Come on, girls." "(Henchman groans)" "Are you not in the least concerned about the news that those schoolgirls have discovered the second ring?" "Am I concerned?" "No." "No, I'm not concerned." "Annoyed, certainly." "Astonished at some of this country's finest minds being outsmarted by a bunch of pathetic, empty-headed little women!" "I'll give you three guesses." "Well, what are we going to do about it, then, sir?" "Kinsman?" "(Pomfrey) Well, isn't that an excellent question?" "I thought perhaps we might open that question out to the floor." "(Man) I say we should send the troops in again." "(Parker) Let's not be too hasty." "We lost good men last time." "(Door clicks open)" "(Girl) What's that?" "Freon." "It's a freezing gas to counteract the heat sensors." "Oh, wow!" "Terminated." "Who are these people?" "Oi." "Annabelle." "(Girls gasp)" "Bingo!" "(Kelly) Bugger!" "No!" "(Matron) Oh, no!" "Girls, girls, abort mission." "Abort mission!" "Go, go, go!" "(Lucy) Switch to Geoffrey cam." "It's all up to you, Geoffrey." "Kinsman... (Lucy) Uh-oh." "We've heard nothing from you." "What's your proposal?" "(Gulps)" "Kinsman!" "What?" "He's absolutely sloshed." "What's happened?" "What's your take on these women?" "Women?" "(Blows raspberry)" "(Exhales)" "(Chuckles)" "Hey." "I'll tell you what, right..." "I'll tell..." "Seriously, I've had enough of them." "I've..." "Sick to the hind bloody teeth of the whole lot of them." "(Girls gasp)" "Scumbag!" "Yack, yack, yack in your ear all day about... (Camilla) That's gratitude for you." "Gratitude." "After I rescued him from the dung heap." "Dung..." "Dung?" "Bitching and moaning about this and that and whatever." "It's time for them to shut up!" "(Camilla)... you stupid little..." "Tell you what I realised, right, about women is that they're greedy, manipulative, cold-hearted, sadistic little... minxes." "(Camilla scoffs)" "And I'm finished with them!" "No mercy!" "No mercy!" "No mercy!" "No mercy!" "No mercy!" "No mercy!" "No mercy!" "Thank you very much." " How dare he?" " Nasty piece of work!" " (Pomfrey) I like what you said." " I meant every word." "About time someone said it straight." "Women are for making cakes and babies." "Good job, kinsman." "I commend you." "Master." "Mission over." "(Chelsea sighs)" "That worked out well, didn't it?" "Brilliant plan!" "I didn't exactly see you helping!" "You must have been busy doing sod-all yourself." "Who's for a nice cup of?" "Like whose idea was it to break into an empty vault anyway?" "The geeks didn't do their homework." "How were we supposed to know the vault was empty?" "That's all we need, yeah?" "Thick geeks!" "We would have been better off asking Chelsea to do it!" "(Chelsea gasps)" "(All shouting)" "(Both whistle)" "How can we expect to fight an organisation like AD1 if all we do is fight each other?" "This is not the time to play the blame game!" "(Camilla) Absolutely right, Annabelle." "If it's anybody's fault, it's that double-crossing swine Geoffrey Thwaites'." "Deep down I always knew he was untrustworthy." "But he sucks you in with his rakish charm, those eyes like limpid pools." "That silky, tousled hair." " (Girls gasp) - (Matron) That firm, downy chest." "No!" "He's a traitor and a coward!" "And if I see him again, so... (Heathcliff whines)" "Oh." "Geoffrey." "(Lucy gasps)" "Oh." "The ring!" "Bursar, how much is 10,000 doubloons worth in today's currency?" "Oh... carry the one, times by 12, carry the one, compound the rate of inflation." "409,846,902 pounds and 18 pence." "Why?" "Because kerching!" "That's what we're going to collect, you darling little number cruncher!" "Yes, if we find the ring." " I mean, the other ring." " Ah." "(Bursar gasps)" "My precious!" "(Groans)" "Oh." "Uh..." "Latitude, 51 degrees, 30 minutes, 24 seconds." "Longitude, zero degrees, five minutes, 35 seconds." "(Lucy gasps)" "(Lucy) It's... it's in London." "(Annabelle) X marks the spot." "(Lucy) Right by the Thames." "Girls..." "Oh." "How about a visit to the theatre?" "(Mobile rings)" "Agent Jones." "(Speaks Arabic)" " Hey..." " I'll see you at the airport." "Hey." "Listen, I've got to run but you can take it from here." " Kel..." " You'll be fine." "Your aunt might be as mad as a bag of gerbils but she's a pretty smart judge of character." "Kelly..." " What do you do now?" " Well..." "You heard of Ml5?" "Ml6?" "Well, that was Ml7." "Good luck." "# I'm not used to being the first pick" "# Like the cool chick from the in clique" "# I have always gone my own way" "# I'm my own girl in my own world" "# Ooh, ooh" "# I'm gonna feel that feeling, gonna lose control" "# Ooh, ooh" "# I'm gonna feel that feeling, gonna lose control tonight" " Are we nearly there yet?" " Not now, Bursar." "# I'm gonna feel that feeling, gonna lose control tonight #" "Peters!" "(Peters groans)" "Look at this." "Oh, yes." "That's lovely, sir." "Is that new?" "Look at it." "Look at it!" "They swapped it." "They've got both rings." "I want them found." "I want them crushed." "I want them destroyed." "Don't worry, sir." "We have an extensive network of CCTV and undercover operatives." "They can't breathe without us knowing about it." " So where are they?" " Huh?" " (Groans)" " Where are they now?" "Where are they... now?" "(Groans)" "Where are they?" "Um... (Radio) Subjects located." "Platform three." "(Groans)" "Ah, little Miss Fritton." "(PA) The next train to depart from platform six will be the 16:28..." "Yes." "Just stay calm, girls." "Swimming pool rules." "No running." " No shoving." " I have them." "No heavy petting." "We go when I say." " Take them." " (Man) Roger that." "Start to move in." "Moving in now." "OK, Annabelle, let's do this." "Now." "A one, a two, a one, two, three, four." "# See the people walking down the street" "# Fall in line just watching on the feed" "# They don't know where they wanna go" "# But they're walking in time" "# They got the beat, they got the beat, they got the beat" "# Yeah, they got the beat" "(Pomfrey) What on earth is going on?" "What are they doing?" "I think it's called a flash mob, sir." "(Jemima) Annabelle, time to go." "# All the kids just getting out of school" "# They can't wait to hang out and be cool" "# Hang around till quarter after 12" "# That's when they fall in line" "Look out." "They're onto you." "# They got the beat, they got the beat" "# Kids got the beat, yeah, kids got the beat" "# Go-go music..." " Girls, be careful!" "Duck!" "Duck!" " # Do the pony, puts us in a trance" "# Do the Watusi, just give us a chance" "OK, it's clear for the south exit." "# Cos we've got the beat, we got the beat, we got the beat" "# Yeah, we got it" " # We got the beat - (Peters clears throat)" "(Pomfrey) Men, hold your positions." "All exits are covered." "Repeat, all exits are covered." "Go, go, go, go!" "# We got the beat" "# We know you can dance to the beat" "# We got the beat" "# Jump in" "# Get down" "# Round and around and around" "# We got the beat" "# We got the beat" "# We got the beat" "# We got the beat" "# We got the beat" "# We got the beat" " Follow them!" " (AD1 man) They're in groups." "Which group are we supposed to be following, sir?" "(Pomfrey mumbles)" " All of them." " All?" " (Shouts) All of them!" " Yes." "Big fish, little fish, cardboard box." "Where are they?" "Big fish, little fish, cardboard box." "Feed the chickens!" "Feed the chickens!" "Milk the cow!" "Milk the cow!" "(Camilla) Oh, the girls!" "The girls!" "They're here!" "Come on." "Right on time." "One, two, three, four, five, six." "Come on!" "(Announcer) Ladies and gentlemen, please take your seats." "The second half of Romeo And Juliet will commence in three minutes." " Bursar, your helmet." " Hmm?" "(Announcer) Two minutes to curtain up, please." "Cast, two minutes." "What on earth do you suppose induced that old sea dog Archibald Fritton to hide his treasure here?" "(Lucy) Girls, over here!" "Help." "(Girls) One, two, three." "(Girls gasp)" "Hey... (Girls cough)" "You're not allowed back here." "Says who?" "Uh... well, don't you know who this is?" "Oh... my God!" "You're that guy off the telly, aren't you?" "Yeah, I..." "I've done a few bits and bobs, yeah." "I can't believe it's you!" "Yeah, yeah." "I mean, it is." "You were in that yoghurt commercial." " What?" "No." " I love that advert!" " Look..." " One time." "This is Romeo, yeah?" "And I'm his Juliet." "(Girls) Ooh!" "So if any of you little groupies want an autograph, you're going to have to go to the stage door with everyone else." "(Announcer) Principals in position, please." " Babe..." " Hmm?" " Call security right now." " Yeah, OK." "I would think twice about that, if I were you." "(Girls gasp)" "En garde." "(Girls gasp)" "(Girls squeal)" "(Girls gasp)" "(Shouts)" "(Girls squeal)" "(Chelsea gasps)" " Watering can?" " What's that gonna do?" "He's quite good with it." "(Girls squeal)" "(Applause)" "Bravo!" "Bravo!" "Oh, thank you very much." "Oh, bravo!" "You were really good!" "(Romeo groans)" "(Girls gasp)" "(Juliet sobs)" "You killed him!" "Oh, no!" "(Romeo mumbles)" "Oh, well, you..." "you nearly killed him!" "(Juliet sobs)" "Oh, do be quiet, you silly little girl!" "(Juliet groans)" "(Announcer) Romeo and Juliet to the wings." "At once!" "(Bianca) Great!" "Now what?" "(Fanfare)" "Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou, Romeo?" "(Whispers) Romeo?" "(Audience laughs)" "(Giggles)" " Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art?" " I'm down here." "Verily down here I am." "Forsooth." " What happened to Fritton?" " She's not involved, sir." "We got footage of her heading to the theatre." "Romeo And Juliet at the Globe." "It's meant to be rather good." "Shakespeare's Globe!" "We've got to stop them!" "(Annabelle) OK, girls." "Let's move it." "(Girls groan)" "(Bianca) Oh, my shoes!" "(Chelsea) Oh... my God!" "Are they rats?" "No, they're little furry elephants!" "What do you reckon?" "Rats?" "Nah, nah, nah!" "I don't do rats, yeah?" "That's more Zoe's bag!" "I'm allergic to rats and clingfilm and pumpkin seeds." "Yeah, right!" "(Annabelle) Oh, well, never mind." "We'll just tell the guys back at school we didn't finish the job cos it was a bit dark and a bit cold and someone saw a hamster." "Chelsea, what about your Malibu beach house?" "What about the all-girl moon mission?" "Do we really want that pig Pomfrey and the AD1 lot to get the treasure?" "Cos I know I don't." "(Annabelle squeals)" "I have a faint cold fear thrills through my veins... (Gasps)" "That almost freezes up the heat of life." "I'll call them back again to comfort me." "Nurse!" "(Sobs)" "What shall she do here?" "Gentle vial..." "Sir... isn't that?" "Guys, let's go." "(Peters groans)" "Do I need to remind you we're supposed to be a secret organisation?" " No, of course." "I thought that..." " Don't!" "There's no other way out." "The play's nearly over." "We move as soon as it finishes." "(Peters clears throat)" "Potion, make thy mark." "Hmm." "(Groans)" "(Sighs)" "(Groans)" "(Audience laughs)" "(Camilla groans)" "She's very good." "Yes." "OK, so we go left here and then straight on." "Oh, brilliant!" "Oh, no!" "(Chelsea sighs)" "(Roxy sighs)" "(Girl) What's happening, team?" "The show's about to end." "Um... we may need more time." "Isn't that your cue?" "My dearest love please don't be dead!" "(Audience laughs)" "For... so much remains unsaid." "(Lucy) It has to be there." "Chelsea, what are you doing?" "Looking for a secret door." "Places like this always have a secret door." "Chelsea, you truly are..." "I truly am what?" "Smarter than your average brainless slapper?" "Yeah, smarter than your average brainless slapper." "You better believe it." "(Straining)" "Ups we've had." "And downs, yea, we've had a few." "And... nights of rough and tumble one or two." "(Audience laughs)" "And now..." "It might be the very moment to... do what I must admit I find it rather hard... to... do." "And that is... to say ...that I love... (Camilla gasps)" "That I love... (Camilla) Mm?" "That I love you." "I love you." "Cheers." "Thus... with a kiss I die!" "They're rather good, aren't they?" "What kind of place is this?" "(Lucy) Look at the costumes." "It must be part of the old Globe." "(Girl) What's happening, team?" "The show's nearly over." "(Annabelle) Keep it going." "Whatever it takes." "Bursar, Bursar..." "Huh?" "Oh, friendly dagger, plunge, plunge, plunge." "(Groans)" "No!" "Not-Not yet!" "Not, not, not dead!" "Uh..." "Our... our play is not yet over." "For our work is not yet done." "Friends Romans countrymen if music be the food of love..." "Oh, for Christ's sake!" "This is interminable!" "(Compass bleeps)" "(Rapid bleeping)" "Well, it must be here." "Right here." "Hmm." "(Lucy gasps)" "Bingo!" "(Girls gasp)" "Oot!" "Oot, oot!" "Damn splot!" "Oot!" " It's locked!" "It's locked!" " Hurry up!" "Cry havoc and let slip the dogs of war!" "(Growls and barks)" "Calling all girls, we need backup now." " What about the ring?" " I've got it." "(Bianca) Oh, come on!" "We're gonna be rich!" "(Girls gasp)" "What the?" "(Lucy sighs)" "Bye-bye, Malibu." "(Lucy sighs)" "You have got to be kidding me." "Well, what's?" "What's this?" " Here." " There's a little note." "Oh, yay!" ""Treasure hunter come for nought" ""It seems your dreams have fallen short" ""For pirate though I may have been I ventured for a change of scene" ""Resolving too to change my ways," ""from sailing seas to mounting plays." ""Writing many in this room, with Shakespeare as a nom de plume. "" "A nom de what?" "I think it means..." "No, it can't be!" "(Annabelle gasps)" "Pirate Fritton... was Shakespeare." "Oh, my God!" "Hang on." "That means..." "That means I'm a Shakespeare." "Yeah!" "(Audience cheers)" "Wait, wait, wait!" ""In lieu of gold, I humbly pray, you'll kindly take my final play"" "Oh, my God!" "(Cheering)" ""And while indeed you find it hard" ""to credit that I was the Bard," ""the timely truth may now unfurl," ""that all the while I was..." ""...a girl. "" "A girl?" "Wicked!" "(Lucy gasps)" "(Lucy) Shakespeare was a girl." "Oh, my God!" "The Bard is a bird." "I love it!" "A woman..." "A woman wrote the Bible!" "(Chelsea squeals)" "(Girls mutter)" "(Mobile rings)" "(Pomfrey) Silvio, ciao." "Yeah." "Hey, call me in five." "Just finishing something off." "Great." "Ciao, ciao." "Hello, girls." "Remember me?" "Of course you do." "Congratulations on your little find." "Finally the Frittons catch up to what we Pomfreys have known for generations." "That your celebrated sea dog was a she-dog." "(Chuckles)" "May I?" "Thanks awfully." "We knew this inconvenient discovery would turn up sooner or later." "Just had to make sure we got to it first." "But all's well that ends well, as the old boot said." "Now we can destroy it." "It's too late, Pomfrey." "You can destroy the play but the secret's out." "Shakespeare was a woman and we will tell the world." "Oh... you're going to tell on me?" "Please don't tell on me!" "(Chuckles)" "Look at you!" "Who's gonna believe a bunch of jumped-up, porky-telling little schoolgirls over me?" "I..." "I play tennis with Sting, for Christ's sake." "(Mumbles)" "No!" "(Girls sigh)" "(Girl) Annabelle, can you hear me?" "The girls are on their way." "It's too late." "Wow!" "Au revoir!" "Auf Wiedersehen!" "Buggeration!" "I think I have, like, an idea." "The thing that amuses me most is that these... these girls thought that they could outsmart... well, me." "Yes, what I don't quite understand, sir, is why Shakespeare had to pretend to be a man in the first place." "Because, you complete moron, back in the good old days, a woman couldn't do a man's job." "Except Ms Shakespeare." "She did a pretty good job of being a man, if you ask me." " In fact, I'd go as..." " Peters, shut up!" "Yes, sir." "(Pomfrey sighs)" "Load of girlie drivel." " Um... sir..." " Peters!" "Yes, I know, sir, but if you would perhaps..." "Bloody women!" " Fire!" " Fire!" "(Cheering)" "(Pomfrey coughs)" "(Camilla whoops)" "I'll take that, you ghastly little turd!" "Avast!" "(Girls cheer)" "Wind power, man." "Told you it was the frickin' answer!" "Fire!" "(Both) Whoops!" "(Girls cheer)" "# What's all that noise coming down?" "# Trying to get my juice in a major frown" "# That's all, phat boy, turn it round" "# Trying to get your bass on solid ground" "# What's all that noise coming down?" "# Trying to get my juice in a major frown" "# That's all, phat boy, turn it round" "# Trying to get your bass on solid ground" "# When there's madness in the air" "# Only the mad survive, oh, boy" "# And when there's madness in the air" "# Only the bad survive, oh, boy" "# And there's no time to stop and stare" "# Don't get behind the line, oh, yeah" "# And there's no time to stop and stare" "# Don't get behind the line, oh, yeah" "# Up and away, like I don't wait" "# Walking the line, knocking on time" "# Poppin' on by, have a little try" "# Papa ain't shy, talking his mind" "I'm here on the banks of the Thames waiting for Sir Piers Pomfrey, the head of the corrupt secret society, AD1." "And here he is." "Sir Piers, having been exposed as a sexist, how does it feel to have been beaten and now publicly humiliated by a group of girls?" "Well, I think "humiliated" is a bit strong." "Thank you." "(Mouths)" "# You've got to take advantage then you gotta lot to learn, my friend" "# Up and away, like I don't wait" "# Walking the line, knocking on time" "# Poppin' on by, have a little try" "# Papa ain't shy, talking his mind" "# Oh, babe, I am what I am" "# And I won't be damned if I do" "# I am what I am" "# Can you hear me talking to you?" "# Oh, babe, I am what I am" "# Gotta let me do what I do" "# I am what I am and I won't get dragged down by you" "# Up and away, like I don't wait" "# Walking the line, knocking on time" "# Poppin' on by, have a little try" "# Papa ain't shy, talking his mind" "# Up and away, like I don't wait" "# Walking the line, knocking on time" "# Poppin' on by, have a little try" "# Papa ain't shy, talking his mind" "# Up and away, like I don't wait" "# Walking the line, knocking on time" "# Poppin' on by, have a little try" "# Papa ain't shy, talking his mind #" "# I see you" "# Watching me sleep deep" "# I feel you" "# Like some kind of cheap creep" "# You know me" "# I'm cruel to be kind" "# I'm fine" "# You love me and I don't mind" "# Wake up and smell reality" "# You're out of the groove cos you're in trouble" "# Reality bit and burst the bubble" "# Face the heat, the pressure too and if in doubt shout" "# You're out of the groove cos you're in trouble" "# Reality bit and burst the bubble" "# Face the heat, the pressure too and if in doubt shout" "# You go a little way to freak me out, say something wrong to knock me out" "# Free your mind and scream and shout, just make it easy" "# Maybe rock music I don't mind, get a little mean and start a fight" "# Go head to head and cut me dead" "# Make it easy" "# You kissed me" "# Then you dragged me so low" "# You'll miss me" "# When I finally go" "# Wake up and smell reality" "# You're out of the groove cos you're in trouble" "# Reality bit and burst the bubble" "# Face the heat, the pressure too and if in doubt shout" "# You're out of the groove cos you're in trouble" "# Your attitude bit and burst the bubble" "# Move your feet, your body too cos I don't want you" "# You go a little way to freak me out say something wrong to knock me out" "# Free your mind and scream and shout, just make it easy" "# Maybe rock music I don't mind, get a little mean and start a fight" "# Go head to head and cut me dead" "# Make it easy #"