"# I'll fetch the suitcase from the van" "# 'Cause if you want the best 'uns But you don't ask questions" "# Then, brother, I'm your man" "# Just where it all comes from is a mystery" "# It's like the changing of the seasons And the tides of the sea" "# But here's the one that's driving me berserk:" "# Why do only fools and horses work #" "Finest French lace hankies, they're a pleasure to have the flu with!" "Thanks love." "Hurry up girls, get in while the going's good." "It's one for the price of two." "Keep taking the money." "I'm gonna pop down the pub for a lemonade for the old Hobson's." "Get us a packet of pork scratchings, would you?" "Pork scratchings?" "!" "Sounds like a pig with fleas." "Come on and get them." "We are not here today, gone tomorrow," "We are here today, gone this afternoon." "Come on." "Ah, here!" "Hey, hey!" "(WHISTLES) Alright, Trig?" " Hello Del Boy, how's your luck?" " You can have it for a nicker." "Joyce, a pint of diesel oil for Trigger and I'll have blackcurrant and Per-nod." " Thank you." " You'll never guess who I just saw!" " Er..." "King Feisal of Saudi Arabia." " No, you're miles off, Del." "No, I knew he wouldn't be in here." "He'd be in the saloon bar." " I'm joking Trig, I'm joking." " Oh gotcha!" " No, it was your ex-fiancee!" " Oh yeah, which one?" " Pauline." " Pauline?" "Pauline Harris?" "!" "No!" "No, you must be mistaken." "She got married to that Bobby Finch," " and she went to live abroad." " Who's that sitting over there, then?" "It is her, Trig!" "It is her!" "It's moments like this when I wish I carried an emergency capsule of Brut around with me." "Leave it out!" "You don't wanna get involved with her again." " Remember what happened last time?" " Yeah, yeah." "Did she ask about me?" "She seemed very concerned to know how much you was earning." "How do you do that?" "!" "I thought it was... what?" "I said she seemed very concerned to know how much you was earning." "Yeah, she probably is concerned, isn't she?" "Perhaps she's worrying about me." "It's alright!" "I'm not gonna get involved, am I?" "I'm too shrewd for all that, aren't I?" "I might just go over there, you know, and say hello." " If that is alright with you two." " You want your brains testing." "Yeah, thank you, Joyce." "Did you take one for yourself?" " No." " Good!" "Excuse me, excuse me, squire." "Hello, Pauline." "Del!" "Oh, I can't believe it!" "It's so nice to see you again." "It's nice to see you, Pauline." "What have you got over your lips there?" "What's all that?" "It's blackcurrant." "It's on your lips!" "Oh blackcurrant, look!" "Yes, probably from my blackcurrant and Per-nod, sorry." "Oh, thanks." "Ta." "Oh..." "Yeah, thanks." "Here let me..." "let me wipe that off..." "I haven't seen you for 12 years or more." " I want to know all that's been happening." " Nothing, you know, nothing, really." "I heard you got married to that Bobby Finch, where is he now?" " He's down the Blackshaw Road." " Oh yeah, in them council flats?" " No, in the cemetery." " Oh!" " You mean you didn't know?" "!" " No, no, no." "I'm terribly sorry, I'm sorry..." "I didn't realise." "You see, last I heard that you went to live abroad, so naturally, I thought that you and that Bobby had immigrated." "No, after Bobby died, I went to San Francisco." "It suited me being away from familiar surroundings." "I got a job as an air hostess, It's a good salary, uniform, free travel." "Yeah, that's in your blood, innit?" "Your mum was a bus conductress." " You never married yourself, Del?" " No, no." "I never fancied myself." "No, no, no." "It's..." "No, you know what I mean..." "what I mean is, you know, I never... ..never met..." "met a girl that I cared all that much about." " I mean, you know, there was one." " But you don't see her?" "Yeah, yeah." "Well, I'm looking at her now." "(RODNEY) Where's my pork scratchings?" "Sorry, sorry, Rodney." "I got distracted." "This is my brother Rodney, remember Rodney?" "He used to be a little scruff." "Look at him now." "He's a big scruff." " Do you remember Pauline?" " Yeah, I remember." "Pauline Harris, innit?" "Yeah, do you call yourself Mrs Finch now?" " No, I call myself Mrs Baker." " I remarried, you see." " (DEL) Oh, I see." " An American chap." " Oh, I get you, divorcee?" " No, a widow." " Blimey!" "What?" "He kick the bucket an' all?" "No!" "I'm sorry, I didn't mean that..." "I'm sorry." "Isn't that a shame, Rodney?" "She had two husbands die on her." "One more and she keeps the match ball." " Excuse me a moment." " Yeah, yeah, of course." " I'm just gonna powder my nose." " Yeah, well, hurry back, won't you?" "Because I'll be waiting." "Yes of course, Pauline!" "Hurry back, Pauline!" "Can I pull the chain for you, Pauline?" "You make me sick!" " You're very hostile towards Pauline!" " Can you blame me?" "!" "I remember how she treated you when you was engaged." "I was only a nipper but I remember how she screwed you up." "It was a long time ago." "When Pauline and me were engaged, we was Mods." "She only left me 'cause she found a bloke with a faster Vespa." " That's a fair reason?" "!" " Yeah, it was in them days." "You've got to understand the times." "In them days, teenage marriages broke up because your husband didn't like the Hollies!" "But we're older now, more mature." "We've developed sensitivity and emotion." " Oh, my God!" " What would you know about it, anyway?" "!" "You don't have romantic feelings, you!" "You just have animal urges!" "Sometimes I think you learned the art of seduction by watching wildlife on One!" "You've got to understand, Rodney, that, you know... deep down inside me..." "I'm a very sensitive person." " (RODNEY LAUGHS)" " Oh, yeah, I am!" "I am!" "Well..." "Look at last Christmas in that film Love Story." "Look how upset I got then." " I got upset an' all." " I got upset because Ali Magraw died." "You got upset because Ryan O'Neil didn't." "Well..." "He's too good looking, in't he?" "What do you know about it, anyway?" "!" "I'm talking about men and women, I am!" " You're still knocking around with Brownies." " No, I'm not!" "Leave it out!" "Some of your dates arrive by skateboard!" "Look, Del, all I'm trying to say is don't get hiked up with that Pauline again." "She'll screw you up, you mark my words." "Look, Rodney, lot of water has run under the bridge since...me and Pauline broke up." "I know what it's all about now, you know." "I understand the rules of the game." "I know you're concerned for me and I know you're trying to give me your advice, but...how can I put it?" "Shove it, Rodney!" "Shove it!" "Del Boy's late, in't he, Rodney?" "I wouldn't worry about it, Grandad." "We'll give him another 15 minutes then start phoning around the morgues." " What do you mean?" "!" " There's something about that Pauline that kills 'em off." "I think she must be a carrier or something." "It's bad news him meeting her again this afternoon." "I remember the last time she hooked him." "I mean, up until then, we was doing all right." "Well, your mamma died," " and your dad had run off and left you..." " Other than that, tickety-boo?" "Right!" "Del was out wheeling and dealing and we was coming along nice, then she turned up." "I've never seen anyone change so fast as Del Boy." "He was besotted with her." "They was engaged within the week." "Broke up within the month." "The little cow was out skylarking around with other fellas." "Del had more fights than John Wayne." "Well, up until then, he was always a strong believer in God and all that." " I mean, he didn't go to church nor nothing." " No." " He didn't carry it to rediculous lengths." " No." "He'd always give the church a good few quid towards their fund for a new roof." "He said it was a penance, seeing as how it was him what knicked the old one." "Well, after that, he lost faith." "(DOOR BANG) Shh!" "Act natural." "Stare vaguely at them tellies, and no questions." "TA-DAA!" "God almighty!" "What's he done?" "!" "(SINGS DRUNKENLY)" "Gentlemen, attention gentlemen." "Gentlemen and Grandad, I have an announcement to make." "Pauline and I are engaged to be married." "Don't all bust a blood vessel then, will you?" "!" "That's terrific, Del." "We'll have to put an announcement in the Exchange and Mart." "Great idea." "It's a lovely idea." "Go and get some glasses, go on, we'll celebrate." "We'll celebrate, yeah." "You think I'm going to celebrate my only brother getting hiked up to a gold digger?" "Listen, motor-mouth!" " I know you don't like Pauline." " Does it notice that much?" "Yes, it does!" "I know that..." "Look, I know you don't like the idea, but, you know, it's what I want." "Come on." " Come on, have a drink, eh?" " Yeah, yeah." " I'll get some glasses." " Yeah, get some glasses." " Grandad, what do you think?" " I ain't saying a word, Del Boy." "If you wanna put yourself in lumber for the rest of your life, that's entirely up to you!" "I'm saying nothing!" "Listen, you haven't heard the best part yet, listen." "This is a double celebration, because not only have I got engaged to Pauline, but my bride-to-be has kindly condescended to come and live with us." "Don't say your congratulations, will you?" "(RODNEY) Alright." "(DOOR SLAMS.)" " Well, say something!" " There's a film on the other side, lots of people get killed in it." " I cleaned that table today." " Good, it won't make my plimsoles dirty." " Del." " What?" "Rodney." "That was divine, my love, that was divine." "That was... well was Pas de Calais as they say in France." " Long time since we had a steak like that." " Hell of a long time, Del," " Me and Grandad had corned beef." " Corned beef?" "I'm not cooking for them two as well, Derek!" "I'll cook for you and me, and you and me only." " I didn't come here to be a skivvy!" " No, no, no." "I know, my love." "When I gave you the housekeeping money, I meant for you to get some grub for them." "I did." "I got corned beef." "Oh!" "Yeah." "There you are, see." "You like a little bit of corned beef, don't you, Grandad?" " What's up with you, then, eh?" " It's her, innit?" " What?" " She's hid my teeth!" " What've you hidden his teeth for, petal?" " You don't know what's it like in this place!" "You and Rodney are out at the auctions or the market, but I'm stuck here with him, and he's nibbling all day long." "There'll be nothing left if I let him carry on." "Don't worry, he gets his teeth back at mealtimes." "Good, yeah." "Alright, well, you know best, eh, petal?" "Why don't you and Grandad go out, Rodney?" "I wouldn't mind being alone for once." " You wanna be left alone?" " Of course!" " Well, I'll go with them!" "Come on, Grandad." " I mean alone with you!" " Oh!" "I see." " We never have time to ourselves." "No time to yourselves?" "!" "You spend most of your lives in that bedroom!" "Giant pandas mate quicker than you two!" "Rodney!" "That's enough!" "Ever since I moved in here, all we ever seem to do of an evening is sit here watching them rotten televisions!" "And that's another thing." "Why does he watch two televisions?" " Because the other one is being mended." " You mean he normally watches three?" "!" " Yeah." " He's going senile!" "Yeah?" "Well, wouldn't he be happier with company of his own age?" "You're not bringing your granny around to live with us, are you?" "I was thinking of a home." " He's already got a home!" " I know a nice place near Thames Ditton." "Bobby Finch's grandad died there." " Can't put him in a home, he's family!" " But I'll be your family soon!" " Well, you go in a home, then!" " I don't wanna go in no home, Rodney." " I might catch something!" " Don't you worry, we're staying put!" "Well, the only alternative is for us to buy a house of our own." "Me?" "Buy a house?" "!" "No, no, I couldn't do that!" "As soon as I put my signature on a document, the authorities are gonna know that I'm alive!" "They'll be around here after their pound of flesh quicker than the Mafia!" "You can do what my other husbands did, put the house in my name." "Well, nobody's gonna think it strange me buying a house, not with all the money I got on the life insurances." " Have you got your life insured, Del?" " No, never thought about dying before." "Well, we'll have to sort that out." "A wife needs protection." "Specially with your luck, Pauline!" " I fancy an early night, Del." " Oh no!" "What, again?" "!" " Come on!" " Yes, all right, my love, my petal." "Listen, you two..." "Hey!" " You ready, Grandad?" " Yeah, I just wanna see what happens first." "Don't start making excuses, we both agreed, we're not wanted here no more, so let's get out before Del wakes up." "We can't go without saying goodbye to him." "All right, we'll say goodbye to him then we'll get on our way." " Is Del up yet?" " No, he's still in bed." " He needs his sleep, he had a bad night." " Didn't sound too bad from where I was." " I'll go and wake him up." " (PAULINE) I'll wake him, Rodney." " I don't want you going in that room." " That's my mum's room!" "It used to be, but it's mine now, and I don't want to see you in there." "Is that understood?" " Jawohl, mein oppengruppieren fuhrer!" " Act your age, Rodney." "Why don't you bike it, you old bag!" "You know why she don't want us in there, don't you?" "Probably filled up with her devices of sexual torture!" "I bet poor Del's in there now bound and gagged, wearing a rubber mask and loincloth and being threatened with French lessons!" "Maybe that's why he's been looking a bit seedy lately." "Yeah, and it's hardly through lack of food, is it?" "!" "I mean look!" "There are third world nations who'd give up their mineral rights for what's on that plate!" " I wonder what's happened to his fried slice." " Perhaps he didn't want it." " His stomach's been a bit dicky." " True." "(PHONE RINGING)" "Hello?" "Oh, hello, Trig..." "Yeah, hang on, I'll get him." "Pauline!" "Untie Del, will you?" "He's wanted!" "I'm up, I'm up!" " Hey!" "What do you mean, untie Del?" "!" " (RODNEY) Nothing." " Who is it?" " It's Trig." "Trigger, oh hello, Trig." "What do you want?" "No, you didn't disturb me." " I had to get up, I was wanted on the phone." " Del!" "Hang on a minute, will you, Trig?" "Cut it out!" "I'm just popping down to the jewellers to put a deposit on that ring I saw." " OK." " Another one?" "!" "You've been engaged five times, married twice, you must have more rings than Bravingtons!" " Just shut it!" " What is it with you?" "!" "Are you trying to corner the world's gold market?" "Or have you just got a thing about wedding cakes?" "!" "I'll bang you one in a minute!" "Leave her alone, will you?" "!" "Don't forget you've got to arrange a medical for your life insurance." "I'll see you down the estate agents and we can go on to the bank from there." "(DEL) Alright, darling." " Zeig Heil!" " Cut it out!" "What've you been doing?" "!" "Sniffing that glue again, have you?" "!" "Cor, dear!" "Hello, sorry about that Trig..." "Yeah..." "No, it's Rodney having one of his fits." "What did you want to phone me about?" "What do you mean it's a delicate matter?" "No, I know you're my mate!" "No, I won't say that you're interfering." "I promise I won't tell you to mind your own business, just say what you want to say!" "Yeah..." "Oh, did I?" "Did you?" "Did he?" "Listen, Trig..." "Why don't you mind your own bloody business?" "!" "Who do you think you are, interfering?" "!" "Look, you just keep your nose out of it, alright, pal?" "!" "How's Trig keeping?" "Know what he had the audacity to say?" "!" "Phoned to say he heard last night that the police had investigated Bobby Finch's death." " Apparently, he died of food poisoning." " Food poisoning!" "Your breakfast is getting cold, Del Boy..." "Yeah..." "Yeah, thanks, Grandad." "Yeah, well..." "Do you know?" "I think I'm putting on a bit of weight." "I think I..." " Well, I'll go on a diet." " Get off!" "There's no calories in weed-killer." "You make me die, you do!" "I suppose you think that Pauline's gone window shopping at Rentokil's!" "Well, I'm going down to make arrangements for my medical." "I'll see you two later." "No you won't, Del." "Because me and Grandad have had it up to here, we're getting out." "You mean, leaving?" "!" "No!" "leave it out Rodney!" "(LAUGHS) What will you do for money?" "We'll get by, we're thinking of forming a partnership." "Partnership?" "!" "A partnership, you and Grandad?" "!" "God!" "Leave it out, Rodney!" "What have you been doing?" "!" "Sitting on your brains again?" "!" "You must've noticed at sometime or another that he doesn't move!" "You know he made the front page of the Lancet, don't you?" "As being the only living man in history to be treated for rigor mortis!" " Where are you gonna go, anyway?" "!" " Auntie Rose's in Clacton." " Auntie Rose's in Clacton!" " Grandad says we can go there anytime." "Did he?" "!" "Oh, did he?" "!" "Well, you better go there now then!" "Go on, the pair of you!" "Get on your bike!" "Go on!" "Before Pauline comes back with me deadly Nightshade!" "Rodney." "Now, come on!" "You don't believe all that rubbish about food poisoning, do you?" "Of course not!" "Eat your mushrooms, Del." " Rodney!" " (RODNEY) We're not coming back!" "No, hang about, I'm coming with you!" "Come on, Rodney!" "You bring the suitcases, Grandpa, you carry the light stuff, OK?" "Surprise, surprise!" "Hello, Auntie!" "I bet you're surprised to see us, eh, love?" "Come on, bring that in, you two!" "Yes, very nice, oh!" "(DEL) Here we are!" "Ahh!" "Here, Grandad, change the channels over, will you?" "There's racing on, half past two." " What did you put in that note to Pauline?" " I just put, "My dearest darling Pauline," ""the engagement's off, the wedding's off," ""and as you can gather from this letter, I'm off." ""I'll give you five clear days to get out of the flat," ""and do not ever come back, you money grabbing old murderess." ""All my love, Del Boy," and then lots of kisses." "I didn't put it quite as nicely as that." "But that was the gist of the idea." "God knows what we'll go back to!" "She'll most probably smash that flat to pieces." " Have you had enough?" " Mm!" "That was handsome!" "Well, it was Champs Elysees, as the French say." "Now, listen, Auntie, we're gonna be here for about five days." "So what I want you to do is take this money here like that, put that in your pinny, 'cause I don't want you spending your own money on us, alright?" "Well, that's very nice of you." " Do you mind if I ask you something?" " Of course not, maniere d'etre." " Fire away." " Who are you?" " Who are we?" "!" " We've been in your house for five hours, had all your sheperd's pie and had a bath each and you don't know who we are?" "!" "Well, I didn't like to ask, because you seemed to know me!" "Well, we're Joanie's boys, aren't we?" "I mean, he isn't." "No, no." "You know Joanie, my mum, married Reg Trotter!" " You were at the wedding!" " I don't remember you." "No, no." "Of course you wouldn't remember me, not at my mum's wedding." " I was only a babe in arms." " You said come down any time." " When was this, then?" " 1947." " So...here we are." " Yeah, you must remember the wedding." "It was at that big church, you know..." "Our lady of the Divine Rosemary, yeah." " In Peckham." " Peckham?" "!" "I've never been there in my life!" "Funny you should mention it, though, because the lady what owned the cottage before me, she came from Peckham." " Auntie Rose's moved!" " Well, who's this then?" "!" " Gawd knows!" " Joanie..." "Joanie Hollins?" "Married a Jamaican fella?" " Eh?" "Er...yeah." " Yeah." " Yeah, but you don't look very..." " We're adopted." " (DEL) Yeah." " Oh!" " Would you like some apple pie?" " That will be smashing!" "Thank you." "(Shh!" "Come on, come on!" "Come in here!" ")" "Listen!" "Shh!" "Be alert!" "Pauline could come rushing out of any one of those rooms in there, brandishing her mother-of-pearl handled flick knife." "It'll be like Psycho in a tower block!" "Shh!" "Listen." "I'll take the living room, Rodney, you take the bedroom," "Grandad, you take the kitchen." "And good luck!" "Go on my son!" "Go on, Grandad!" "(RODNEY) She's not in the bedrooms." " Has she done any damage?" " No, all the beds are neatly made." " She's even been round with the hoover!" " She's not in the kitchen." " It's clean and tidy out there!" " What's her game, then, eh?" "What is her game?" "There's no way that that Pauline would leave this flat without doing something really nasty to me." "Eh...!" "No, no." "Where would she get a bomb from?" "Hey!" "There's a letter here!" "It's addressed to "That no-good lying two-faced creepo"." "That'll be for me, Rodney." "Let's have a look, see what she's got to say for herself then, eh?" "Alright, here we are..." "Ah, well, that's more like the Pauline that I know and love." "Oh dear!" "Look at that, look at the language here!" "You'd think an ex-air hostess would know how to spell better than that, look!" " Is that true?" " No!" "Del, did Pauline really mean that much to you?" "No, no." "Not really..." "No, somehow, it wasn't quite the same." "Sometimes, I think I'm not really..." "cut out for this falling in love lark." "I've got a confession to make, Del." "You know that phone call from Trig, the one about the police investigation and the food poisoning?" "Well, it was a wind-up." "Me and Grandad put him up to it." "We did it for you, Del." " You put him up to it?" "!" " It was nothing to do with me, Del." "I only suggested it." "Yeah, he only suggested it!" "We was only thinking of you!" "You was only thinking of me!" "You couple of rascals!" "What am I going to do with you two?" "!" "What am I going to do with you?" "!" "Got you out of schtuck, didn't it?" "Yeah, we're alright on our own." "We don't need no birds!" "No, no." "If you say so, Grandad." "Here, go on, go on." "Put the kettle on, go on." "Look at this girl, the way she spells that - "pto"!" " It's not "pto", it's "PTO"." "Please turn over." " I know!" "I know what please turn over means, don't I?" "PTO." " I'm not illiterate and all that!" " Hey, there's someone on the phone!" " It's Tim." " (DEL) Tim who?" "Tim the talking clock." "Oh, that cow!" "She only phoned the talking clock before she left!" "And this is..." "Gordon Bennett!" "This is dated four days ago!" "I don't want to worry you, Del, but this Tim's got a funny accent." "She only phoned the talking clock in America!" "You mean we're connected to America?" "!" "It's amazing, innit?" "!" "HELLO!" "HANG IT UP!" "# We've got some half price cracked ice and miles and miles of carpet tiles" "# TVs, deep freeze and David Bowie LPs" "# Ball games, gold chains, what's-their-names and at a push" "# And Trevor Francis track suits from a mush in Shepherds Bush" "# Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush" "# No income tax, no VAT" "# No money back, no guarantee" "# Black or white, rich or poor," "# We'll cut prices at a stroke" "# God bless Hooky Street," "# Viva Hooky Street" "# Long live Hooky Street" "# C'est magnifique, Hooky Street" "# Magnifique, Hooky Street" "# Hooky Street" "# Stick a pony in me pocket" "# I'll fetch the suitcase from the van" "# 'Cause if you want the best 'uns But you don't ask questions" "# Then, brother, I'm your man" "# Just where it all comes from is a mystery" "# It's like the changing of the seasons And the tides of the sea" "# But here's the one that's driving me berserk:" "# Why do only fools and horses work #" "(SULTRY MUSIC PLAYS)" "You see, I mean, to me, Janice, art - you know, art as an art, right - must by its very nature be self-indulgent, right?" "I mean, as I said to David Hockney once, the inherent element in all artistic projects should not be one of contemporary mass appeal, but rather one of personal symbolism." "Don't you agree, Janice?" " I don't know, Rodney." " That's why I like talking to you." "You're one of the few people who seems to understand me." " My brother Don paints." " Really?" "Yeah, for the council." "Oh..." "No, that is cosmic, Janice." "No, really, no, that is cosmic." "That's probably why we have the same appreciation and understanding of true art." "We have an affinity, an aesthetic bond." "We are kindred spirits, Janice, seekers of beauty in a broken, ugly world." " Janice?" " Yes, Rodney?" "Get your bra off." " I can't." " 'Course you can, you must live and be free." "I can't, Rodney." "I'm not wearing one." "Oh!" "(LAUGHS)" "Wow!" "(LAUGHS)" "Oh, yeah." "(DEL) Dark in here, innit?" "Put him down, Janice." "You don't know where he's been." "(DEL) What have we got going on here?" "I'll have a drop of that, thanks." "We don't want this rubbish on." "(RECORD SCRATCHES)" "That's better!" "Janice, you mind his bruises, won't you?" " What bruises?" " His bruises, he's covered in them." "It's where the girls keep on pushing him away with ten foot bargepoles." "Oh, dear, oh, dear, that's better." "(SIGHS)" " You're in, are you, Del?" " Hm?" "Yes, I'm in, Rodders." "Hope you've been behaving yourself, you know." "Remember what I told you?" "Not to do it on your doorstep?" "We've just been sitting here discussing art, that's all." " Do you like art, Del?" " Yeah." "Del used to be cultural advisor to the Chelsea Shed." "Yeah, I like art, Janice." "I'm a Renaissance man myself." "I like pictures where the eyes follow you around the room." "Last week, down the pie and eel shop," "Del shook the international art world to its very foundations by stating quite openly that Michelangelo was a wally-brain." "Well, he was a wally-brain!" "It took him 12 years to paint one ceiling." "God!" "That wouldn't do your brother Donald any good, Janice, eh?" "Well, he's on bonus." "I don't believe this!" "I'll wake up soon." "I'll tell you another thing: some of those artists are sick, if you ask me." " (RODNEY) What are you on about now?" " Look at this." "Now, this is a statuette of the world-famous Venus de Milo, right?" "Now, who but the sick of mind would do a sculpture of a disabled person?" " Well, am I right, Janice?" " It's a bit sick, isn't it?" " (DEL) There you are!" " It wasn't like that originally!" "No, no." "This is the product of a twisted imagination." "Yeah, talking of twisted imaginations..." " ..are you still looking for a job?" " In this country?" "There are three million unemployed." "What chance has Rodney got?" "With his big brother looking after him, he's got every chance in the world." "Take one of your Purple Hearts 'cause I've got a surprise for you." "I have secured you a position with a newly-formed security company." "They did want a man with previous experience." "And as your last job was a milk monitor..." "(LAUGHS)" "I did have a bit of trouble persuading them, but, however," "I have managed to swing it for you." " Are you putting me on, Del?" " No, definitely, I've got a job for you." " That's great, Del." " Yeah, it's all right." " You'll start off as a trainee NSO." " No!" "Yes, and who knows, my son, you know?" "Use your filbert, keep your nose clean, in a couple of years time, you could end up as, well... a senior NSO." " I will, Del, I won't let you down, son." " What's an NSO?" "Oh, don't be gauche, Janice." "What's an NSO!" " They don't know they're born, some of 'em." " That's right!" "Tell her what an NSO is, Del." "NSO, Janice, is a nocturnal security officer." "Yeah, you see, it's a nocturnal security officer." "Don't 'alf sound like a night watchman, Del." "It's nothing like a night watchman!" "I mean, you have to work at night." "And will some of my duties include watching?" "No, they will not, I mean, all you have to do... ..you'll just have to..." "..you...keep an eye out." "What is the name of this recently-formed security company?" " Well, you wouldn't have heard of 'em." " Try me, Del." "Come on, let's have it." "All right." "It's called..." "Trotter Watch." "Trotter Watch?" "That's you, ain't it?" "I'm working for you, ain't I?" "The way I see it, Rodney, crime's a growth industry." "So I'm getting in while the going is good." "It's a nice regular job, uniform, good wages." " How good?" " We'll talk about that later." "First of all, let us try on your uniform, eh?" "There!" "Come on, slip into it." "There it is." "Oh, look at that!" "The colour suits you, doesn't it?" "Yes, look at that fit!" "Oh, yeah, deja vu!" "It's like it's made to measure, innit?" "For someone else!" "Get out!" "Well, he'll grow into the sleeves." " Here, let's have a look, let's see." " TW?" " That's right, Trotter Watch." " It could also stand for "traffic warden"." "Well, yeah, suppose it could, yeah." " This is a traffic warden's uniform, innit?" " It is not a traffic warden's uniform." "You've got me done up as a bloody traffic warden!" "(DEL):" "Rod!" "It is once and for all not a traffic warden's uniform!" "(DEL) Trust me, will you?" "Put your cap on." " (DEL) Well?" " I look like a traffic warden!" "I look like a traffic warden who ain't been well." "No, you don't!" "You look stunning, Rodders." "Oh, yeah, look at that!" "You're emitting authority all over the place." "I'm not doing it, I don't want the job!" "You've got to." "You can't let me down, I gave your word." " Gave who my word?" " The people at the bus and coach garage." " That's where you're to be based." " No, I'm not doing it." "Well, OK." "Well, of course, if you're scared, you could admit it!" "Come on, well, Allemagne, dixpoints." "Janice will understand if your bottle is gone." "Me, scared?" "You must be joking." "That's the spirit!" "Now, I want you down there nine o'clock tomorrow night." "I'm a stickler for punctuality, all right?" "Now then, I'm going to bed." "By the way!" "Excuse me a minute, Janice." " Sorry, Janice." " Your bondage ropes are in the garage, and Grandad has washed your whip and put it in the airing cupboard." "(DEL) I don't think it shrunk." "I'll leave you two lovebirds alone, and I shall just say:" "A Buenos Aires." "Janice!" "Janice, he was only..." "You rotten git, Del!" "(DEL) I leave it all in your capable hands, Rodders." "(RODNEY) Cheers, Del." "You realise this job's gonna mess up my love life, don't you?" "(DEL) Why?" "I'm giving you every second Sunday off, ain't I?" "(RODNEY) But Janice is hardly gonna be happy with that, is she?" "While I'm here, she could be out with someone else." "Now, look, don't worry about that." "Why do you think I'm all dressed up for like this?" " I'm taking Janice out for a meal." " You're taking Janice out?" "Of course I am, for your sake." "Otherwise, she might go out with somebody else." "Yeah." "Yeah..." "Cheers, Del." " But if she's..." " Why are you wearing plimsoles?" " What?" " Why are you wearing plimsoles?" "Don't you think they mar the overall symmetry of the uniform somewhat?" "But I can run faster in these." "I mean, give chase, pursue and detain." "Nothing happens around here." "Quiet as a grave." "Well, I'll see you in the morning, then." "Take care now." "(RODNEY) Yeah, don't worry about me, Del." "I'll be all right." "(DEL SLAMS METAL CAGE BEHIND HIM)" "(RODNEY WHISTLES OH SUSANNA )" "(RODNEY WHISTLES 'CAUSE I COME FROM ALABAMA.)" "(SOMEONE WHISTLES THE NEXT LINE)" "(DEL) There you are, Grandad." "Here you go." "Look at that." "It's beautiful, innit?" "Beautiful!" "It's gonna earn our fortune, this is." "Come on, Rodney, it's ten to nine." "I used to be a security officer, you know, before the war." "You mean to say somebody trusted you with their property?" "It's like trusting a piranha fish with your finger." "Or worse!" "Oh, yeah!" "It was a big warehouse over Kilburn way." "Stocked everything from bedroom suites to kiddies' toys." "(GRANDAD) Well, there's this fella used to work there." "Used to arrive every morning in a big Wolsey car." "He wore a camel's hair overcoat, kid gloves, and he always carried a brand new leather attache case, and he smoked expensive cigars." "Well, call it intuition if you like, but I was suspicious of him." " Yeah, why?" " Well, he were only a sweeper-up!" "How do you do it, Holmes?" "Anyhow, one night as he was leaving, I stopped him, and I searched his attache case." "It were empty." "Still, unperturbed by this minor hiccup in my investigation," "I stopped him and searched his attache case every night for a whole year." " Then he left." " Really?" "I wonder why!" "I don't remember." "I think he claimed someone was victimising him." " No unions in them days, see?" " No, well, this is it, innit, eh?" "Yeah, anyway, a couple of weeks after he left, the auditors come." "You know what they discovered?" "We was missing 348 attache cases!" "What?" "You mean you'd been searching the stolen gear?" "Yeah!" "And I got done for it..." "Fingerprints!" "There's a moral to this story, Del Boy... ..but for the life of me, I can't find it." "I don't think I'm gonna bother to look either, Grandad." "(DEL) Hello, the son of the bride of Dracula." "Oh!" "Here he is." " What time is it?" " Nearly nine o'clock." "Nine?" "I'm gonna be late if I don't get a move on!" "No, it's all right, no rush." "Sit down, take it easy, that's it." " Let me get you a cup of tea." " Yeah." " There you go." " You're still taking my part with Janice?" " Yes, don't worry, I won't let you down." " Cheers, Del." "How am I doing?" "Very well, very well, yes." "One more steak meal could crack it." "Yeah?" "I haven't done this well with a girl for a long time." "You're like me, Rodney, I never ever found it easy to get girlfriends. (SLURPS TEA)" " I wonder why!" " It's still light out, it's broad daylight." "Of course it would be." "Nine o'clock in the morning, what do you expect?" "In the morning?" "I thought it was nine at night." "I've only been in bed 20 minutes." "What did you wake me for?" "Sit down, sit!" "That's all right, don't exaggerate!" "20 minutes!" "Listen, I wanna discuss something very important with you." "What could be that important?" "I haven't got Janice into trouble, have we?" "Don't be silly!" "At least I hope not." "Listen, I want to talk to you." "This night security job of yours... ..is merely a tiny part of my immaculate scheme." " What immaculate scheme?" " The tourist trade, Rodney." "Did you realise over 2,000 tourists pour in London every day?" "And I know, despite the fact that tourism has never been so high, the coach party trade is falling off." "Now, "Why?" you may ask, "Why is that, Del?"" "Since you asked, I'll tell you." "The reason is your average tourist gets fed up of seeing the same places like the Houses of Parliament, Buck House, the National Gallery (YAWN)." "Once you've seen one Rubens, you've seen them all!" "This is where a dynamic person like me steps in." "Wake up while your brother's being dynamic!" " Sorry, go on." " Yeah, right." "Out there is a new, vibrant, exciting London awaiting to be discovered." " Is there?" " Yeah, of course there is!" " Ethnic London." " Ethnic London?" "!" "Yeah!" "All those romantic places that you've only heard about in fairy tales." "You know, the Lea Valley Viaduct." "The glow of Lower Edmonton at dusk." "The excitement of a walkabout in Croydon." "Here!" "Look!" "Look what I've had printed." "I don't believe this!" ""Trotter's Ethnic Tours"?" "What's all this squiggly stuff and the Chinese?" "The squiggly stuff?" "That is Arabic and the Chinese is Japanese." "It's a well-known fact that 90% of all foreign tourists come from abroad." "So, we've got to speak their lingo, ain't we?" " We?" " "Oui', French, I like it!" "Already you're picking up the lingo." "That is what I call enthusiasm, Rodney." "I weren't speaking in French, Del." "I meant what do you mean "we"?" "We, us, you know, us." "This is a family enterprise, ain't it?" "Grandad, he'll sell the programmes." "I'll be the courier." "And you, Rodney, you got the best job of all." "'Cause you'll drive the bus." "Brrm!" "Ding-ding!" "Hold tight, everybody!" "Rodney's coming!" " You'll have a wage, Rodney." " I've already got a wage, Del." "But you can't afford to live on what I pay you." " I don't know how much you pay me." " Well, not a lot." "See now, I can't afford to." "See... well, I've done a deal... ..you see, with the bus garage." "What happened was, I provided them with a night watch... a nocturnal security operative." "And they provide me with an open-top bus." "That saves the exchange of any cash, stops all the paperwork." " And income tax." " Income tax, yeah." "What about it, Rodney?" "Lot of work and effort has gone into this enterprise, eh?" "Grandad, he was up town this morning at the crack of dawn, distributing all these leaflets to every hotel, boarding house and hostel he could find." "Grandad, he believes in this scheme." "Don't you, Grandad?" "Ethnic tours?" "It's the most stupidest thing I've ever heard of." "See?" "You can't expect me to work all night... ..then in the morning drive a bus load of tourists round ethnic London." "I've got to sleep, Del!" "My whole body's crying out for sleep." "Yeah, yeah..." "I'll tell you what I'll do." "I'll get you some assistance at the garage, then you can have a kip." "I'll get you... an ex-police dog!" " An ex-police dog?" " Yeah." " You fancy some breakfast?" " I wouldn't say no, Del." "Good, great, come on." "Off we go, there you go, in there." "While you're in there, make me a bacon sandwich, all right?" "Where are you gonna get an ex-police dog from?" "I'll get him..." "I'll get him Nero." " Who's Nero?" " Nero, Janice's corgi!" "We clearly stated on our leaflets that nine o'clock was departure time." "Here we are, 11.30, and no sign of them." " I've told you before, no one will turn up." " Yes, they will." "As soon as the word spreads about a bit, they'll be here in droves." "The only thing that worries me is, is a 59-seater bus big enough?" " Perhaps we should've had 2, maybe 3." " A tandem would be too big!" " Leave it out, will you?" " I'll bet you not one single tourist arrives." " I bet you fifty quid they do!" " Right, fifty quid, you're on." " Right, then." " All right." " Right...right!" " Right...right!" "Shut up, you two, will you?" "I didn't get a wink of sleep last night, taking that rotten dog for walkies and what have you." "Funny kind of police dog, Del." "He saw a cat and ran a mile!" "Ah, well, cats aren't Nero's strong point." "Show him a burglar, and he becomes a tower of strength." "Where's all these tourists, then?" "I thought we'd be having an ethnic look round Chingford by now." "Don't worry, they'll be here." " Huh!" " Shut up, you!" "How much are you charging them for this tour, then?" "Seventeen quid each." "Seventeen pounds for a walkabout in Croydon?" "Well, that includes lunch, doesn't it?" "Traditional British fare!" " Doner kebab, something like that." " A doner kebab?" "For seventeen nicker, I'd want Donna Summers." "You would, wouldn't you, you tightwad?" "These tourists don't mind splashing out if they're getting value for money." "Look at that!" "They'll snap up these souvenirs of Olde London, they will." "Yeah, it's a snip, isn't it?" "A fiver a go." "Almost alabaster, you know." "You're gonna sell them models of a Roman statue, now housed in the Louvre gallery in Paris, for souvenirs of old London?" "It's the Venus de Milo, Del." "No, that is Boadicea, innit?" "Boadicea rode round in a chariot with big swords sticking out of the wheels." "All right, so she fell off her chariot!" "Just trying to rip them off, ain't you?" "Au contraire, Rodney, au contraire." "No, I don't wanna leave them potless." "I want them to have money in their pockets, enough for us to have a tip." "As a courier, what do you actually know about these obscure places you intend to drag them to?" "(CHUCKLES) Oh, no!" "Nothing!" "That's twice as much as they know." "Don't worry, I shall bluff 'em, use the old spiel." "If they ask any questions I find dodgy to answer," "I shall just say I can't understand their English." "Don't worry, it'll be a doddle." "(SIGHS) I mean, today, I shall take them down Shoreditch... ..and show them the house where Sherlock Holmes was born." "Sherlock Holmes was fictional." "Was he?" "Oh, well, I'll just say his house got blown up during the war." "Tomorrow, I shall take them to the summit of Mount Pleasant." "The summit of Mount Pleasant?" "!" "What's the matter with you, Grandad?" "Can't you stand heights?" "Mount Pleasant hasn't got a summit." "All it's got is a big post office sorting depot!" "Well!" "That's ethnic, ain't it?" "We can give them a guided tour of the depot." "Show them the workers getting the most from the post." "I should stay awake if I was you, they'll be here in their hundreds in a minute." "(DEL) I'll take them over to north London, show 'em where Jack the Ripper was buried." "(RODNEY) Nobody knows where Jack the Ripper was buried." "(DEL) They can't prove me wrong, then, can they?" "(RODNEY) Shall we give them another five minutes, then go?" "(DEL) Yeah, all right." "Take the bus back to the garage and begin your night shift." " Cheers, Del." " I want you back first thing in the morning." "(DEL) And don't forget to take Nero out so he can do his business." " Pint of lager, Rodney." " Cheers." "They sold right out of Pina Coladas, Del, so I got you a Mackeson instead." "Yeah, that's good thinking." "Yes, thank you, Grandad." "What're you gonna do if the tourists start asking about the history of places?" "Say one wants to know how the Elephant and Castle got its name?" "Well, I'll just say:" ""Once upon a time, Richard the Lionheart, or Coeur de Lion as the French used to call him, which he didn't like one bit..."" "See, that little bit of intimate knowledge goes a long way in impressing people." "Well, I'll say that he had a castle situated roughly near the roundabout." "What about the elephant bit?" "Well, I'll say Hannibal and his elephants, they laid siege to the castle." " And Bob's your uncle." " Hannibal crossed the Alps." "I know, on his way to the castle." "And the natives who had never seen an elephant, they were sorely afraid." "And that is how it became known in that area as the Elephant and Castle." "(GRANDAD) If they'd never seen an elephant before, how did they know it was an elephant?" "For God's sake, Grandad!" "An elephant is a bloody elephant!" "You can't odds that!" "You can't look at an elephant and say: "I know, we'll call this place the Cow and Castle," can you?" "You're not telling them the truth." "The truth, the truth." "You're so naive, Rodders." "The truth is only relative to what you can earn from a lie." " Einstein." " I'll tell you one truth... ..that you won't earn a brass farthing out of." " No one's gonna turn up." " They will turn up, they've got to." "(DEL) This time next year, we'll be millionaires." " You said that this time last year!" " You're eating, ain't you?" "I wanted to do this for years, Rodney." "I always thought, if we can make a success of it, that eventually we would go legit." "You know, we would register the name "Trotters Independent Traders"" "as a proper McCoy company." "I have this dream where you and I own a skyscraper office block on the South Bank." "We're standing on the balcony in a penthouse suite with a couple of sorts..." "Gabrielle, Bianca." "Braless, but with class." "Do you know your Janice doesn't wear a bra?" " Yeah, I know." " Oh, you know." "We're in a penthouse full of rubber plants, pine tongue and groove." "We're sipping red drinks." "And above us, on top of the skyscraper in 50-foot-high neon lettering, are the initials of "Trotters Independent Traders"." " Good, ain't it?" " Terrific, Del." "Yeah!" "No, they've got to come." "My dream starts the way every success starts: with a great big rip-off." "Del, Grandad's right, no one's gonna turn up." "Yes, they will." "You wait and see." "I think that dream of yours contains a subliminal message." "Yeah..." "You what?" "A sort of subconscious truth." "You see this skyscraper belonging to "Trotters Independent Traders", right?" " Yeah." " On the roof are the company's initials, and you're standing on the penthouse balcony?" "Don't you see what the dream's trying to tell you?" "As you're standing on that balcony with your red drink, above your head, in 50-foot-high neon lettering, is the word..." ""TIT"." "Come on, let's call it a day." "You owe me fifty quid on that bet." "Eh?" "All right, you old pessimist." "(RODNEY) What about our wages, then, Del?" "Oh, yeah!" "I meant to talk to you about that." "I thought that was gonna be the big one, Rodney." "I thought I was gonna be the Freddy Laker of the highways." " Nice try, Del." " Yeah." "I don't understand it!" "I just don't understand it." "Grandad distributed a thousand leaflets, a thousand!" "You'd have thought that one, just one punter might have been interested." "Still, as dear old Mum used to say:" ""It's better to know you've lost than not to know you've won."" "Dear old Mum, she used to say some bloody stupid things." "I'll chuck this down the chute." "(GRANDAD) 30, 35, 40, 45, 50." "Well, that weren't too bad, was it, Rodney?" "I've had two days away from the housework, a nice little drink, and I've won myself a fifty quid bet!" "Very nice, very nice indeed!" "Where's Del Boy?" "He's gone to chuck that sign down the dust chute." "Ah!" "The dust chute?" "Oh, my Gawd!" "(DEL) GRANDAD!" "Come here, you senile old parasite!" "It wasn't me, Del Boy!" "It was me brain!" "It wasn't your..." "I'll brain you if I catch up with you!" " There's no point, Del." " Shut up!" "(DEL) Come here!" "# We've got some half price cracked ice and miles and miles of carpet tiles" "# TVs, deep freeze and David Bowie LPs" "# Ball games, gold chains, what's-their-names and at a push" "# And Trevor Francis track suits from a mush in Shepherd's Bush" "# Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush" "# No income tax, no VAT" "# No money back, no guarantee" "# Black or white, rich or poor," "# We'll cut prices at a stroke" "# God bless Hooky Street!" "# Viva Hooky Street!" "# Long live Hooky Street!" "# C'est magnifique, Hooky Street!" "# Magnifique, Hooky Street!" "# Hooky Street"