"Look at all these people just sitting here and not tipping, working on their computers." "This guy has a brand-new Apple." "I've been eating the same apple for a week." "I blame Steve Jobs." "These people are more like Steve-I-have-no-jobs." "All right, that's it." "Earl, I need to get the wireless router." "Oh, is that what this is?" "I thought it was a cookie-warmer." "Attention deadbeat diners." "You can't just sit here all night and only order coffee." "This is not a Starbucks." "And I know that because we don't sell" "Norah Jones CDs or bananas." "This is the router for the free Wi-Fi." "And that is a waitress who needs to make some tips." "Seriously, guys, I need actual cash." "This guy just offered to pay me in ideas." "If I pull this plug, the Internet will go down." "And you--that sad email you're in the middle of writing to your ex-boyfriend, the one you shouldn't send anyway--gone." "And you-- that vaguely pornographic anime film you've been illegally downloading for the past three hours-- gone." "And you--that screenplay you've been writing, you can keep working on it, but we all know how it ends:" "With you moving back in with your mother." "Now, who's gonna order?" "Great, I'll go get some menus." "Here, Caroline, put this back." "Ooh, my cookie-warmer." "♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh" "♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪" "Table ten just ordered cocktails." "Yeah, 'cause we're that kind of a place." "Does anyone know how to make sex on the beach?" "Easy." "I put on my speedo and wait." "Those girls have been drinking for hours." "Just press every button on the gun and add rum." "Look at them." "Not a care in the world." "Having a great time." " I hate them." " I hate them, too." "I hate them more." "I hate that you hate them more." "So jealous." "Okay, ready for party of four." "Excuse me." "Pardon me." "Excuse me." "Hey, baby!" "Looking good." "Mm, always." "I'll be in my booth." "Sophie, you cannot take up a whole booth alone." "There are people waiting." "You must leave." "Go stand in the corner now!" "Before I bend you across my knee and spank you in front of the whole class." "Well, I was going to stand in the corner anyway." "But tomorrow night, smaller table." "Go stand in the corner now!" "Okay, I'm over being jealous of them." "Still?" "What are they-- sitting on vibrators?" "Let it go." "They're not having that good of a time." "No, Max, we're not having that good of a time." "All we do is work." "When's the last time we took a day and just had fun?" "I mean, those two idiots remind me how much fun it was when I'd go out to lunch and have cocktails with my girlfriends and watch them pretend to eat." "I think you're talking about day-drinking, and I think I like it." "All right, let's do something fun." "I'll put on my bolo tie and my best vest and take my girl out to eat." "So, what is this lunch spot you're taking me to?" "Is it French?" "Do you think the chef will send an amuse-bouche to the table?" "No, but this morning I shaved a smiley face into my bouche, and it's very amusing." "You know what?" "It's just so fun to get dressed up and have someone wait on us for a change." "I even bought new panty hose from dooahnay rayahdey." "You mean Duane Reade?" "Oh, is that how you pronounce it?" "Well, we're here." "Better get in line." "Oh, there's a line." "Popular place." "What's the name?" ""Soup Kitchen." That's a cute name." "Very Williamsburg." "Like, "let's take our upscale urban bistro"" ""And make it seem like it's just a soup kitchen" ""open to everyone, but it's not really a soup kitchen."" "Oh, that's nice." "They let them use the bathroom." "And sit at a table." "Oh, my God!" "This is really a soup kitchen." "This is your idea of treating me to lunch?" "We're not homeless." "No, but we are soup-less." "And it's not just homeless people who eat here." "Okay, maybe they're the target audience." "Look, there's a lot of other people who can't afford to go out to eat." "You're right." "Why are there so many hipsters here?" "Because this place isn't just for people who don't have jobs, it's for people who don't want them." "Well, it does smell good." "Excuse me." "We'd like to take a look at your lunch menu." "Menu changes every day." "Also, there is no menu." "There's, like, four things." "Oh, okay." "So what do you recommend?" "Oh, what do I recommend?" "Don't share needles, and and use condoms." "But you didn't hear that last one from me." "Are nuns even allowed to be sarcastic?" "If they are, I have some serious thinking to do about my future." "This sloppy Joe is the most amazing terrible thing I've ever eaten." "I love that it's basically pre-chewed, so all you really have to do is swallow." "So good, I used to have these every day when I was a kid." "Well, then I guess your childhood" " wasn't all that bad." " Mm." "We couldn't afford the real Manwich Mix, so my mom's boyfriend, Dirty Carl, used to bring us leftover meat scraps and then bash 'em together with old ketchup packets he'd found in cars at the junkyard." "Now I understand why you think this is a nice restaurant." "Have you noticed the more you drink, the better this place gets?" "I've noticed the more I drink, the better everything gets." "Why don't we drink every day?" "Some of we do." "I'm having a great time." "Thank you, Max." "Well, yesterday, you were so bummed about your life," "I thought I'd take you somewhere you could feel good about yourself." "Okay, I've been wanting to say this the whole time." "I feel like we're the hottest people in this room." " Is that terrible?" " Yes." "Speaking of hot people..." "Wait." "Are we drunk or do we finally have one brain" " and the same taste in guys?" " I don't know, but this is suddenly my new favorite restaurant." "Let's go get ourselves some of that man-wich." "I kind of like "drunk Caroline" way more than the other Caroline." "I kind of like her better, too." "Excuse me, sisters." "Do you know the guy who just came in here?" " The cute one." " He's so cute, right?" "His name is Andy, and he just opened a candy store across the way." "Shut up!" "Candy?" "I love candy." "Question:" "What would make this day even better?" "Candy?" "You should totally go for the hot guy." "Or you can go for him." "Let's think about this." "He's clean and not a drug addict, so he's more my type." "Well, he's got a store full of candy and a penis, so he's more my type." "You know what?" "Go for it." "You've got dibs." "Aww, that's so nice of you, Max." "Yeah, and while you're doing him in the back room," "I'll be pocketing some candy." "Oh, no." "It's closed." "Hey, Max, you know what'd be fun?" "If we threw that trash can through the front window?" "I was gonna say we should leave him a note." "And what would be fun about throwing that can through a window?" "Have you ever done it?" "It's fun!" "Oh, the sign's turned around." "He can see us." "He's smiling at us." "Should we go in?" "If I learned anything as a child, it's when a stranger offers you candy, you say yes." "Hi." "We thought the sign said you were closed." "Yeah, I turned it around." "I wanted you guys to come in." "♪ Come with me" "♪ and you'll be" "♪ in world of pure imagination ♪" "If this isn't your thing," "I also have some Sabbath and some Beastie Boys." "So, if this is "Candy Andy's Sweets and Treats,"" "are you Candy Andy?" "Oh, please." "We hardly know each other." "Call me Candrew Andrew." "I'm Caroline, and this is Max." "Max, say something." "Can't." "It's all too wonderful." "Look at all the candy crammed in this little space." "It's like we're inside Willy Wonka's colon." "Thanks." "Yeah, it's kind of the look I was going for too." "And I know it's accurate because I had the Oompa Loompas help me." "They were expensive, but what are you gonna doom-pa-dee-doo?" "Normally I'd ring the bell after something that golden, but I don't want to scare you." "Well, now I have to hear the bell." "♪ Anything you want to" "Now that's all I want to hear." "Do you do free samples?" "You do, by the way." "Let me hook you guys up." "On the house." "Marry this guy right now." "It's a small store." "I can hear you." "Good." "Moves things along faster." "Hey, come by the Williamsburg diner sometime." "We work there." "We'll give you free samples of food you shouldn't have to pay for anyway." "So, what brings you in to this neighborhood?" "Oh, we were having lunch at the-- this ...is a really adorable space." "Thank you." "You know, candy is my passion." "Yeah, I said it." "Always has been." "Even as a kid, I would have my G.I. Joes sell sweet tarts to my Transformers." "Gum drops, gummy bears, gummy worms, gummy hot dogs, gummy pizza." "Ooh, I just had a gummy-gasm." "So what was your favorite candy as a kid?" "Actually, I didn't eat a lot of candy as a child." "Okay, I'm gonna overlook that because you're pretty, but maybe we could talk about your terrible childhood over coffee sometime." "Yeah?" "I'd leave you two alone, if this place wasn't filled with candy." "Okay, so what's your favorite flavor?" "Coconut." "And I'm walking to the "C"s." "The candy's alphabetical?" " Now I'm marrying you too." " Okay." "Let's see." "Coconut watermelon slice." "How's that sound?" "Um, not so good." "Actually, please don't say anything more about candy." "Is it hot in here?" "No, it's awesome in here." "Boston baked beans?" "Didn't know they weren't real beans till I was 20." "Please stop." "Is it cold in here?" "Is it hot and cold in here?" "Max, I feel weird." "Relax, it's just your lady parts waking up from hibernation." "Again, small store." "Can hear everything." "I am so sorry." "Pardon me." "Oh, uh, are you okay?" "I'm fine." "Max, I am not fine." "I'm gonna be sloppy joanne in about two seconds." "Tiny, tiny store." "Do you need to use the" "No." "We're fine." "We'll just be going." "Nice to meet you." "Nope, I'm not gonna make it." "Where is the" "Right--right there." "I'm sure she'll be all right." "I'm just gonna step outside." "The sound of someone throwing up makes me" "Oh, dude, I've been trying to not throw up this whole time." "Whew, what happened there, right?" "Feeling better?" "Did she tell you she projectile-puked soup and sloppy seconds all over a really cute guy and his floor?" "Let me put it this way, Caroline." "In my heroin days, that would have been a perfectly acceptable first date." "I don't understand it." "We ate the exact same thing." "How could you have not have gotten sick?" "You must still have "rich girl" stomach." "I'm used to poor food." "What made you sick made my skin clear up." " Hi, girls." " Hey, Sophie." "I'll be in my booth." "Oh." "Well, this is weird." "It's okay." "You didn't know." "Don't let it happen again." "Okay, good-bye now." "Sophie, what do you think you're doing?" "What?" "They were sitting in my booth." "It is not your booth, it's my booth." "If it was your booth, wouldn't it have a booster seat?" "Oh, Sophie wants to dance?" "We gonna dance." "Max." "Hi." "It's Andy." "From the store." "The guy who let you walk out with a push pop in your pocket." "That wasn't a push pop, Andy." "I was happy to see you." "Well, you're gonna be even happier in a minute." "Yay!" "But these come with a catch." "Invites for Caroline and you to a party at my candy store." "But maybe don't wear that uniform." "People are gonna think you're a giant sugar daddy." "So, she's still going at it, huh?" "Such a skinny girl." "How much more can come out of her?" "Nah, she's just a little embarrassed." "Something about self-esteem." "I don't know." "She throws it around like it means something." "Well, I'd love her to come." "No pressure." "But if you can talk her into it, there'll be unlimited candy for you for the rest of your life." "Look at him, stealing my bit." "The candy man came with invitations to a party at his store." "What, you think I wasn't listening at the door?" "I heard everything." "All the vomit jokes." "I heard them all." "Jewelry, already?" "Your new husband likes to throw the cash around." "He is not my new husband." "And now he never will be." "Ooh, bubble tape." "I finally meet an adorable, sweet guy." "A guy so sweet, the word "sweet"" "is next to his name on actual real estate." "And I completely destroy any chance I have with him." "You didn't destroy anything." "And it's good to let him know right off the bat that you have a gag reflex." "Oh!" "Oh, that's lovely." "Happy Valentines' Day." "I am not going to that party." "I can never see him again." "Well, do you mind if I still go?" "Being in a candy store after midnight is on my bucket list." "Funny, I thought that was the impossible one." "You should go." "Have fun." "I think you're missing out, because you two are perfect for each other." "You're like Hansel and Gretel." "They were brother and sister." "So?" " So, no Caroline, huh?" " Uh, no." " She couldn't make it." " Hmm." "Well, I'm feeling very sad, but you'll never know it." "You're fine." "You don't seem to be short on other female party guests." "Oh, come on." "They're fiends." "Some of them I know from the neighborhood." "Some I worked with on Wall Street." "Wall Street?" "Did you have a little candy tray you walked around with?" "I wish." "That would have been awesome." "I was stuck in an office pushing stock in pharmaceutical companies." "Wait." "You know people who have access to pills?" "And just when I thought you couldn't get any better." "Yeah, one day, I went into the firm, and there was no firm." "Bankrupt." "Boom." "End of job, no money." "Nothing." "And after I drank nonstop for a week," "I figured, hey, now I can do what I've always dreamed of." "Open a candy store, be my own boss." "So I used all my savings and opened up this place." "And pretty soon," "Candy Andy will rule the world of sweets and treats." "That sound braggy?" "No." "All right, kick everybody out, and let's go back to my place." "Ah..." "Max, no offense, but I'm more into your friend." "Um, Andy, no offense, but I'm more into the candy than the Andy." "I want you to come to my apartment and say hey to Caroline." "I was right." "You two are perfect for each other." "Yeah?" "I mean, it would be nice to hang with her in pants I don't care about." "She's not here." "She must have taken the horse for a walk." "Wait, you have a horse, and I'm just hearing about this now?" "I have a candy store and it's out of my mouth, in the first 30 seconds." "Be right back." "I have to pee." "She'll be okay with me being here, right?" "Yeah, she was just embarrassed." "She'll get over it." "What are you doing?" "Knock first!" "Why are your legs up in the air like that?" "And why were you holding the shower head down by your-- Oh!" "I'm sorry." "I thought you'd be home feeling bad for yourself, not feeling your bad self." "What are you doing home already?" "Why aren't you at the Candy Andy party?" "Oh, don't look at me like that." "It's not like I'm the only person in the world who masturbates." "Also, Andy's here." "We wanted to surprise you." "But then you surprised us." "It's not a big deal." "That kind of situation happens to a lot of people." "Who?" "Who has that ever happened to?" "I know this might be a delicate area right now, but I'm thinking you should probably pay more than half of our water bill." "Hey, girls." "I need some hot tea to warm me up." "There's no hot water in our building when I tried to take a shower." "That's because it's all in Caroline." "Max!" "You are too tense." "Here." "Take this and relax a little." "Eh?" "This doing anything for you?" "Well, I'll be in my booth." "Hello, Sophie." "What are you doing in my booth?" "It's not your booth, it's my booth." "And look." "All the other booths are taken." "So you'll have to sit at small table, as is customary for lone diners." "This is my booth." "It's okay, you didn't know." "Okay, bye-bye now." "Hello, Max." "Check out my new booth." "I think it's better." "Oh, no." "I don't want to see him again." "Look, he's already seen you at your worst." "You vomited and masturbated." "That's your full range." "Hi." "Look, I know you're really embarrassed about-- well, everything." "And there's really nothing I can say to convince you not to be." "So..." "Who's embarrassed now?" "And to further my embarrassment," "I will now do gymnastics in public." "That is not embarrassing." "It was amazing." "All right." "Well, then come back to my house and watch me masturbate." "Or we could just get coffee." "Yay, I'm so happy!" "Thanks, Max." "No, not for you." "For me." "I'm getting unlimited candy and maybe some pills."