"For the zillionth time, Dad, I'm an adult." "You don't have to stalk me." "Georgia, I said I'm dropping you off." "Now, just take off that shell and get in the car." "Dad, my costume is the business." "I don't want it to get crushed." "You look fantastic, love." "I just don't want you walking around the streets on your own." "Do you have any idea how long it took to get this right?" "I have to make an entrance." "What's that?" "And what are you supposed to be?" "An obese leprechaun?" "Anyone can see I'm a stuffed olive." "Stuffed is right." "What happened to you, Ellen?" "You were supposed to come as a cocktail sausage." "Well, my mum said no, her being a vegetarian and all." "Jas?" "Cheese and pineapple stick?" "Well, the cheese made me look fat and yellow washes me out." "I didn't know how to be a vol au vent." "But we said we'd all go as hors d'oeuvres to be original." "It was supposed to be a laugh." "But boys don't like girls for funniness." " Sorry, Georgia." " Wait, Georgia." " Georgia, don't go." " Georgia!" "Georgia, what are you doing?" "You'll be late for your first day back at school." "I'm coming." " Georgia, Mummy wants you." " Libby." "Oh, flip, flipper and flipping hell!" "Excusez-moi." "C'est trés grotesque." "If you don't mind?" "Oi!" "Cheeky." "Libby, stop putting Angus in the fridge." "What do you want for breakfast, munchkin?" "Stuffed olive?" "Just because I did something so beyond the Valley of Sad City last night it doesn't give you the right, as my parents, to humiliate me further." "Today is the first day of my life as the new Georgia." "And who is she, my little elf?" "She's not an "elf"." "Not a munchkin." "She is a mature, sophisticated woman called Ms Georgia Nicolson." "So, to celebrate the new me," "I've decided what I want to do for my birthday party this year." "I want a proper party in a club, with a D.J." "You're not old enough to get into a club, never mind hire one out for a party." "If you haven't noticed, I'm a woman now." "I wear a bra!" "Bob." "Are you really trying to damage me permanently?" "There's no way that you are having a party in a club where there's drinking, and it's full of randy men." "What sort of parents do you think we are?" " Do you really want me to answer that?" " That's enough, missy." " Why would we damage you?" " We made you." "Honestly, Georgia, this attitude is..." "Welcome to the tragic universe that is my sad life." "Why?" "I'll give you five major reasons why." "Number one, my parents are from the Stone Age." " No us, no you." " God knows what you'd do." " You understand?" "You wouldn't exist." " Yeah." "Number two, they hate me having a life 'cause theirs are practically over and mine's just starting." " And it's not good enough." " Honestly." "Every year it's..." " Number three." "... a performance..." "My little sister's bonkers." "Poor Angus will need even more therapy than me." " A lot of trouble!" "... because of your fifteenth birthday..." " Number four..." "... it's not good enough." " ... my nose is the size of Jupiter." "... so ungrateful." " I need to go into an ugly home." " Georgia, what have you gone and done now?" "How did you manage to pluck them all so quickly?" "You haven't, have you?" "Oh, crikey." "Bob, she shaved them." "Number five, I'll never get a boyfriend." "What's the hurry with growing up so fast?" "Why don't you just enjoy being 14?" "Enjoy being 14?" "How twisted is that?" "And if home isn't mental enough," "I have to spend all day at this loony bin, or as some people call it, school." "Sometimes I think Jas and I are the only normal people here." "There's Dave the Laugh." " Why do they even call him that?" " Okay, now get this one." "Boys are such a mystery." " Yeah, how was that?" " Oi, Nicolson!" "Watch it." "The Bummer Twins are the school bullies." " Twice as mean." " What?" "Twice as mingy." "Lindsay "Slag" Marling from the year above." "She really is Miss Slag of the Century." "And where did she get those bazoomas?" "How did they grow that fast?" "Two minutes to lessons, children." "Let's not start the term with a detention, Nicolson." "Our headmistress, Slim, likes to oppress me, 'cause I caught her once with her skirt in her knickers." "I laughed so much I nearly fainted." " Hey, guys!" " Luckily I've got my Ace Gang to fill in the long hours before we get released." " Christmas tree." " D.J." "Ellen, Rosie, Jas and moi." "Now, when your hands are numb you lift them up to your bazoomas and press." "See?" "It feels like someone else is touching them, not your own hands, right?" " Wow." "Freakilicious." " Oh, I could get used to this." "I don't think we should be doing this." "It's kind of lesbiany." "Well, you asked me what it was like to be felt up." "So, what's the best thing about having a boyfriend then?" "It just feels really natural." "You know, really grown up." "And the snogging is wicked." "Sven uses varying pressure." "That's what foreign boys do." "My parents snog occasionally." "Even at their age." "Cringey." "Seeing old people over the age of 30 snogging is just horrific." "Of all of the boys I've ever snogged, Sven is definitely the best." "'Cause he's emotional." "Where have you got to on the snogging scale?" "What?" "Jas and I invented a snogging scale." "The Ten Stages of Snogging." " You're mad." " No." "It's scientific." " How would you know anything about it?" " Please." " Who got 82% in Bio?" " True." "We cut out all the letters about kissing from the problem pages of every girls' magazine." "So, it starts with level one, holding hands." "Two, arms around waist." "Three, good night kiss." "Four, kiss lasting over three minutes without breath." " Five, open mouth kissing." " Number six, tongues." "Oh, my God." "Seven, upper body fondling outdoors." "Eight..." "Oh, my God." "I've gone all jelloid." " Who are those fitties?" " They're well beyond fit, they're lush." "They are sex gods." " They must be newbies." " Ace Gang, it's boy-stalking time." "Ladies?" " They have mushy peas and chips." " Yeah, yeah." "Yeah, definitely." "I want them!" "You're here." "You're late." "Get changed." "We're going on a family outing." " Do we have to?" " What do you mean, do we have to?" "You used to love doing things with the family." "Georgia, don't start, not tonight." "We're going to the Bonker's Buffet and your granddad's coming as well." "Oh, look out." "Oh, no." "They're Granddad's teeth." "Granddad's teeth." "So, the sex gods are twins." " C'est magnifique." " Marvy." " But they're not identical." " Obviously, Jas." "They're two years above us." "Jackie's got Geography with the one called Tom." "She says he just moved here from London." "London!" "I knew they were cosmopolitan." "Apparently their family just opened an organic shop on the high street." "Dishy and nutritious." "So, G, Tom or Robbie?" "Which brother do you want?" " What about me?" " El, we saw them first." "That's not fair!" "Ellen, you have to be emotionally sorted to be ready for a boyfriend." "Jas and I are there." "We even devised a snogging scale." "That proves it." "We have to know ourselves, to see how boys see us." "Can you handle that?" "Okay, so it's time for the Physical Attractiveness Test." "Finished." "You lot are so sweet." "I got mostly eights for everything." " So did I." " Me, too." "Hey, who gave me a four for my nose?" "And look." "Someone else gave my mouth a six and one third." "What's wrong with my mouth?" "God, I'm having a nervy B." "We've only gone over the plan a gazillion times." "You don't need to have a breakdown." "Just stick to your lines and we'll be fine." "Okay." "How's my hair?" "Very Keira Knightley." "Just get in there, you minger." "Remember, lower your voice so you sound sexier." "Okay." " Hi there, how are you?" " Oh, fine, thanks." " Can I get some onions please?" " Onions." "Red ones?" " Yeah." " How many?" "Just a pound, please." " A pound." " Yeah." " These are nice ones, these are." " Great." "What are you doing?" "Jas?" "Hey, Jas." "Quelle surprise." "What a shock to see you here." "I want this brother." "That's fine." "Just stop playing with your hair." "How nice to see you, Georgia." "I was just picking up some onions for my mum." "Well, you know your onions, don't you, Jas?" "You've been eating organic food for ages." "Cool." "Oh, I'm sorry." "This is my friend, Georgia." " I'm Jas." " Hi, I'm Tom." "Do you need something for a sore throat?" " So, what school are you two at?" " Ridgley." "Ridgley?" "Me, too." "Just started." " Here you go." " Thanks, Robbie." "That's all right." "Can't let my brother work hard serving good looking girls without a cup of tea." "Sorry?" " Apples." "She likes apples." " Great." "About a pound, yeah?" "Robbie, this is Jas and Georgia." "They go to Ridgley too." "Okay." "Yeah, I thought I recognised them." "Tom, I got to move." "I got band practice." " You're in a band." " Yeah, some mates from London." " Oh, what are you called?" " The Stiff Dylans." " Great name." " Thanks." "I'm a bass player." "Did you know bass players have really big hands?" "I guess they do." "I do have big hands." "Hey, Jubbly." "Is that my little Jubbly?" "Come here, little Jubbly Jubbly." " You like cats?" " Yeah, love them." "Don't I, lovely Jubbly?" "Do you have one?" "Angus." "Her cat's called Angus." "He's part Scottish wildcat." "I used to walk him by the sea." "But he ate his collar." " And his lead." " What?" "Georgia?" "What are you doing here?" "You hate vegetables." "Mum, you're so funny." "I'm getting apples." " My favourites." " But apples give you wind." "What a lovely selection of Brie." "How am I ever going to be able to face him again?" "My mum is so beyond the Valley of the Thick." " She wasn't that bad." " What?" "Telling the only cool boy in Eastbourne I have flatulence issues is okay?" "I don't think he took any notice." "And, anyway, he was well into you before your mum came in." " Do you think so?" " Yeah." "You were great asking him about his band and stuff." " And he likes cats, like me." " Yep." "Did you see the way Tom held onto my hand a little too much" " when he gave me the onions?" " He didn't!" "He is so gorgeous!" "They're both beyond the Valley of the Gorgeous." "Oh, are you sure my mum hasn't ruined it?" "Oh, GG, it was really fab." " Fabbity fab?" " With knobs on." "And Robbie will understand." "All parents say stupid things." "He'll probably like you more 'cause he'll feel bad you've got a mum that's beyond bonkerdom." "You're right." "God, Robbie's just so muscley and dreamy and..." " Tom said, "See you later. "" " I know." "So did Robbie." " What exactly does that mean?" " I'm not sure." "Do you think Tom says that to everyone like a sort of "See you later" sort of thing?" "No." "He wouldn't say "See you later" slowly unless he means "See you later. "" "Otherwise he would just say "See ya later. "" " Don't you get it?" " When is later then?" "I don't know." "I'm not boy lingual yet." "But I tell you what." "I see a snog at the end of the tunnel." "Big fish little fish cardboard box" "Big fish little fish cardboard box Fill the trolley fill" "Lindsay, stop it." "You don't have to come." "Oh, Robbie, stop." "I promise I won't get in the way." "Oh, no." "I don't mind, honestly." "Come on." "Lindsay, stop messing about there." "All right?" "Or you'll just have to sit in the back then." "Oh, Robbie." "Maybe they're just mates." "Don't be a plonker, El." "Mates don't hold hands." "I already feel fed up with boys, and I haven't had anything to do with them yet." "I don't know how she got in there before you." " I can never compete with Lindsay." " Yes, you can." "You've got much better qualities than her." "Yeah?" "Like what?" " Well, you're really funny." " Yeah." "You were so hilarious in that olive costume." "But, Jas, you said boys don't rate girls for funniness." "Well, I just meant that they rate other things more." "Oh, yeah." "What do they rate then?" "Skinny-Minnie blondie boobie girly girls like Slaggy Lindsay?" "Well, she does have that cover-girl look that boys die for." "So, are you saying I have to be more like her?" "Thong alert!" "I always knew she was from Vulgaria." " Now that's what boys like." " But they just go up your bum." " Nah." " Do you think you should try one?" "No way." "I'm not gonna injure myself just because boys like it." "And Slaggy Lindsay should know that all those ancient women did not burn their bras and give women the vote so she could wear a thong." "What a swiz!" " That is just diabolical." " No, that is shocking." "Bet you Robbie doesn't know about that." "At least I sort of fill up my bra when I wear one." "Even though it does bunch up when I run for the bus." "So, she has false boobs, a massive bum and a blank personality." "You would score more in all of those areas." "Defo." "But she's got Robbie and I haven't even kissed a boy." "I can't." "You want to move up on the maturity scale, right?" "I'm not that desperate." "You have to step up to compete." "It's educational." "You'll gain skills Lindsay can only dream of." " Hi." " Hi." "Are you Peter Dyer?" "The man, the myth, the legend." " Your parents aren't here, are they?" " No." "My hours are between 4:30 and 5:30 before they get back from work." "Any musical requests?" "The right tune creates the right vibe." "Coldplay?" "50 Cent?" "Dido?" "Inner Relaxation Mix?" "Whatever." "You choose." "Now, what kind of experience do you have?" "Oh, loads." "You have to be completely honest so I can evaluate you accurately." "Okay, I guess I practise a lot on the back of my hand." "On average a person will have over 25,000 snogs in their lifetime." "So close your eyes, relax, feel the magic." "We're going to do a standard one first." "Wow, you're a natural." " Really?" " Not too firm or toothy." " That's very common with beginners." " Great." "Next, movement." "When I move my head in you go the other way." "The boy leads and the girl always fits in." " Where should I put my hands?" " The waist is safest." "You're a quick learner." "Now, tongues." "They're a health and safety issue." "The secret is to strike the right balance between yielding and giving." "Start slowly, like a turtle, not a lizard." "Avoid washing machine syndrome." "Sadly, this session's over." "My next client's here." " Hi, Georgia." " Hi, El." "Thank you, Georgia." "I'll be in touch." "You did tongues, didn't you?" "Number six." "You did a big fat tongue sandwich, didn't you?" "Oh, my God." "All I know is, he was from Saliva City." "But who cares?" "I'm a snogging sensation." "Wait!" "Mum?" "Dad?" "I just want you both to know how much I really appreciate all you've done for me." "I mean, it can't be easy since you can hardly remember being my age 'cause it was so long ago." "Have you been inhaling fumes from the science lab?" "I want to talk party details." "Oh, Georgia." "I told you I needed to talk about something important." "Oh, this is important!" " Oh, all right!" "You go first." " Can I invite boys?" "You haven't got some fancy fellow we don't know about, have you?" "No." "Honestly, Dad." "No one says "fella" any more." "This isn't the Middle Ages, you know." "Or the '70s as you call it." "Sorry, Dad." "I must be hormonal." "Can I have a D. J?" "Why would we pay for one when we've already got one in the family?" " What?" " Oh, yes." "No way." "Oh, I want music from this century, Dad." "If we hire a club, we'll get a D.J. thrown in." "We are not going to hire a club." "I can get a very good rate at the community hall." "We've thrown some legendary bashes there." "We still know how to get down." "Hey, wait, missy." "I haven't told you my news." "Okay, just please stop snogging." "It's not normal." " I have been offered a promotion." " Oh, cool." "Maybe I can get a PDA instead of a mobile now?" "Georgia, where in the world do you find the most geomagnetic thermal activity?" " I don't know, Dad." " New Zealand." "That's the slight catch." "The job's in New Zealand." " What?" " Look, I know it's a big deal and I don't have to decide anything yet." "I really want to discuss it with all the family." "It's a bit of a shock for us all but your dad's not going to do anything we're not happy with." "Oh, Dad, you should totally go." "What an opportunity." "Yes." "One less parent to deal with." "If Dad goes to New Zealand I can easily get around Mum and have my dream party." "Now, I just need a plan to show Robbie I'm a natural born snogger." "So, I've figured out what I've got that Slaggy Lindsay doesn't." "Hair on the back of your legs?" " The Angus advantage." " What?" "Robbie loves cats and so do I. So, when he finds out Angus is missing..." " But Angus isn't missing." " Don't be dim." "We just pretend Angus is missing so I get Robbie to help me find him." "He'll discover how unfake I am and then I'll try out my new natural snogging technique and voilà!" "I've got my sex god." "Then we get you yours, and we're all set for my party." "The hottest, choicest party of the year." "Okay." "When you see Robbie and I walk this way, you let Angus go so Robbie can find him, resulting in high self esteem for him and a celebration snogathon for me." "Yeah, got it." "Is that Tom?" "Oh, he has got a fit bum." "Quality lushness!" "Oh, I wish I could just go up and snog his face off." "Honestly, Jas." "Sometimes I think you're half girl, half turnip." " Just focus on the plan." " Oh, God, you're right." "Have you done those flower pots for me, son?" "Yes." "Yes, Mum." " Hiya." " Oh, hi." "Are you okay?" "What's wrong?" "It's my cat." "He's lost." "I don't know what happened." "He just disappeared." "I'd go out and look with you but I've got to help my mum in the shop." "I'll put it in the window." "Sure." "Thanks, Robbie." "Georgia!" " If I lost Jubbly, I'd be really upset, too." " Yeah, I'm pretty gutted." "Ben, Ben, Ben!" "Get it, Ben, go!" " Trixie." " Angus, stop!" " Are you all right?" " Yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine." " Can you get the cat?" " No worries." "Trixie, come back!" "Angus?" "Come on, you fluffy cat." "Angus?" "Angus?" "So, are you glad you moved to Eastbourne?" "Yeah." "Have you always lived here?" "Yeah." "It's called God's Waiting Room 'cause it's where people come to die." " I heard Eastbourne's the new Brighton." " Don't be stupid." "It's more peaceful here than London." "I like to come to the beach." "Write songs." " About what?" " Angus?" "I don't know, life, the universe." " How reality TV is brainwashing us." " Wow." "Angus?" "Come on, you fluffy cat." "So, what do the Stiff Dylans sound like?" "Well, actually we've got a lot of influences, Radiohead, Pink Floyd." "My dad listens to Pink Floyd when he's been on the vino." " He knows all the words backwards." " My dad plays air guitar really badly." " He thinks he's Hendrix." " Does he make a wicked guitar face?" "Oh, not as wicked as me." "I've taken the uncool guitar face to a whole new level." "Let's see one then." "Thank you and good night, Eastbourne." " You've been a great crowd." " Rock on!" "I don't think Angus is here." "He likes the park, too." "Okay, let's go." " So, is that your mum behind the till?" " Yeah." "She's really pretty." "Mine's mental." "No, honestly, she's mad as a hatter." "She's actually become quite a regular customer." "Oh, my God." "Promise you won't take anything she says about me seriously." "That's no problem." "So, does your dad work in the shop, too?" "No, he's in London." "My parents just got divorced." " Oh, sorry." " It's okay." "That's why my mum opened the shop." "She's always wanted one." "It's good that Tom and I can keep an eye on her, you know?" " What's wrong?" " Nothing, I thought I heard something." " Robbie!" " Look, Georgia, my brother's found him." "Yeah." " Angus." "Come here." " Angus!" " I'm sorry, Georgia." " You messed it all up." " You were meant to be waiting..." " Over there." "...by the fountain." " I couldn't." "That cat is mental." "It's okay, it's all right." "I'll get him." "He went down there." "Ouch." "Angus, come here." "Gotcha." "Come on, boy, it's okay." "Good boy." "Got you." "I've got him." " Are you okay?" " Easy, Rob." "He nearly broke Jas' arm." "Yeah, where'd you find him, Jas?" "Georgia said she's been looking all day." "I found him in the park by the fountain." "That's lucky." "That's where we were looking." "Angus was raised by a family of Scottish beavers." "He loves water." " Yeah?" " Yeah." " Here we go." " What were you doing?" "Thanks, Robbie." "You saved him." "Oh, Robbie." "Lindsay called and she's waiting for you on the pier." "Right, I'd better go." "Sure." "No problem." "Thanks again for helping me." "Yeah, yeah, it was fun." "I'll see you later." "All right, Jas." " Oh, yeah." " See ya later then." "Yeah, see ya later." " "See ya later. " Again." " We were really hitting it off." " Jas?" " Yeah?" " Do you wanna go out some time?" " With you?" " Yeah, with me." " Sure." " Great." "Should I get your number then?" " Oh, yeah." "When do you think he'll really call?" "Do you think I should have taken his number, too?" "Or would that have just looked desperate?" "Jas, it was perfect." "You did everything right." "But he's from a broken home." "You have to be extra mature." "Totally." "When he calls will you help me pick an outfit for the date?" "Love to." "Good job, Angus." "...family!" " But the month," "I'm gonna have to be on my own with the kids," " dealing with everything!" " Yes, but I've got to go!" "We can't just turn up with nothing set up." "I have to go and set it up!" "I know, but I'm just trying to tell you..." "Then you can come join me and we'll have a better quality of life." " It'll be fantastic for all of us!" " Come on." "Listen to me, please." " I'm just saying it's upsetting to me..." " 'Cause I never listen, that's right." " Oh, my God!" " I never listen to you, do I?" "Your dad is just impossible." "Georgia?" "Can you come up here for a minute, please?" "Hi, sweetheart." "Can you give me a hand with this packing?" "'Cause your mum is making a right mess of it." "Dad, why do you need four pairs of brown trousers?" " 'Cause they go with everything." " They do not." "Hey, I'm not going on a fashion shoot." "Hey, what is it, munchkin?" "Dad, I don't like it when you and Mum fight." "Promise me you won't hang out with any Kiwi women while you're away." "Not even ugly ones." "What are you talking about, Georgia?" "Hey, this is a big change for us all." "I'm not going out there to be "living La Vida Loca. "" "Though I'm glad you still think your dad's a handsome old devil, even if he does belong in the Stone Age." "Come on, then." "How many pairs of brown trousers do I need?" " Two." " Two." " Georgia?" "It's a boy." "Result!" " What boy?" " Mr Peter Dyer." " Oh, no." "Saliva Boy." "What?" "He sounds keen to talk to you." "Georgia!" "Georgia?" " Goodbye, love." " Goodbye." "Kiss for Daddy?" "Bye, Libby." "Oh, my little elf." " Oh, my love, you've got conjunctivitis." " Relax." "I'm sad you're going and all that, Dad, but it's only Vaseline." " What?" " Makes your eyelashes longer." "Oh, Georgia, I wish you'd stop messing about with yourself for one minute." " You're beautiful." " No, I'm not." "You have to say that." "You're my dad." "Okay, you guys, I'm gonna ring you as soon as I get there." "All right?" "Oh, and Georgie, darling, one last thing." "Stay off the bleeding phone." " Bob, have you got your flight socks?" " In the back." "Bye." "Georgia." "He called." " Already?" " Twice." "I'm having a major nervy B. Zitney Spears or what?" "The ice is bringing it down, though." "But I don't know if I should wear a bra." "You're not planning on getting to level seven already?" "Duh." "I'm not a scrubber." "I just don't know if I need to wear a bra to make me look more mature, or if it'll just go bunchy under my top and make me look fatter." " Pencil test." " You do it, too." "Crap." "So no bra tonight." "God, mine's staying up for the first time." " You're lucky." "You're so voluptuous." " Are you saying I'm fat?" "No, you've got just the right amount of breastiness." "Sadly, my mum can get a whole pencil case up there." "I don't want them to get too big." "Otherwise I'll end up with backbreakers like my mum or the Queen." " The Queen hasn't got big bazoomas." " Yes, she has." "She has a special bra that pushes them under her armpits so she doesn't look common or unroyal with a 44 DD." "Jas, do you think, maybe, you could tell Tom how much better I am for Robbie than Slaggy Lindsay?" " Of course." "Oh, how's my spot?" " Do you want me to squeeze it?" " Yeah." " Okay." " Hello." " Georgia, it's a builder I called." "I'm just getting dressed." "Make him a cup of tea." "What a pretty bride in your lucky dress." "Mum, will you hurry up?" " I've got to go meet Jas!" "... there you are." "There." " Here comes the bride." " Libby, will you stop dressing Angus up in drag?" "All dressed in white." "Slips off banana skins and dressing on the side." "You'll soon discover this is a madhouse." "Are you okay, Angus?" " You look lovely, Angus." " Tea?" " Yes, please." " What a beautiful bride." "Georgia, I'm thinking about getting the living room redone but..." "What a lovely dress!" "That's a great dress." "But don't tell your dad." "It's a secret for when he gets back." " What a pretty bride!" " I know he looks like George Clooney..." " I'm Connie." " Jem." "Nice to meet you, Connie." "...who's ancient but still a fittie." "Oh, yeah." "Yeah, good." "But he'd never fancy her in a million years" " and in that top?" " Shall we?" " Yeah." " Please." "Tom's lips are so soft." "Did you tell him to tell Robbie about me?" "I dreamt about Tom all night." "Earth to Jas." "Did you talk about me and Robbie?" "Oh, sorry, I forgot." "Thanks." "Wait a minute." "Tom did say something." "He said Robbie thought Lindsay was a bit clingy sometimes." "Tom smells so nice, not fromagey like most boys." "Great." "So, what exactly did he mean about Lindsay being clingy?" "You know, Tom wants to go into the fruit and veg business." "He says the future's organic." "That's fascinating, but what about me and Robbie?" "Hello, gorgeous." "Excuse me?" "Jas?" "Washing machine syndrome or what?" " Jas?" " Okay." " Jas?" " Jas?" " She's being really shallow." " Hi." " Hi." "Mrs Unavailable." " What?" "We all think you've really changed since you've got a man in your life." "Oh, come on, G." "A thong?" "Have you bought your ticket yet?" " What?" " To Vulgaria, with your new best mate." "Why are you being so stroppy?" "You'll always be my best mate." "Just think of it like me going undercover and spying on her." "All right." "Now you're thinking like a best friend." " I taught you well." " Hurry up, girls." "Let's get physical." "What are you waving at, minger?" "Listen, short arse, keep away from my man." "He's not a cradle snatcher, and you're not woman enough for him." " So back off!" " I wasn't waving at anybody." "Talk to each other, ladies." "Look, she's wide open over here." "Pass the ball." " Go on, Georgia, go on." " Run, Georgia." "Oh, the cow." "I can't believe she did that." " That Lindsay was well out of order." " She's a full-on bully." " Robbie mentioned you at lunch." " Really?" "He said he was happy you found Angus." "How sweet." "He just has to get to know you and see how brill you are." "Kirsty Walsh in upper fifth's having a party for her sixteenth tonight." " I got you all invited." " Oh, wicked." "This is your chance to impress Robbie yourself." "Oh, there's Tom." "I'll see you later, gang." " How are you?" " I'm fine, how are you?" "Quick, Georgia, hide." "And did you see my second goal?" "Right?" "It was spectacular." "I saw you floor Georgia." "Well, why do you care about her all of a sudden?" " It was a cheap shot." " Okay, coach." "You can give me a spanking and I'll never do it again." " Did you see that?" " Absolutely." " How could you not?" " She moved in for full-frontal snogging, but he converted it to lips-to-cheek." "Which proves he didn't want to snog her, right?" " So right." " Georgia?" "What are you doing?" " Ellen lost an earring." " She's wearing her earrings." "It was another one." "One she wasn't wearing." " You're nuts." " Hey." " See you later." " Oh, wait, Robbie." "I really think I owe Georgia an apology." "I'm really sorry I tripped you." "You were playing absolutely brilliantly." " You should go up for the school team." " Wow, Linds, that's really cool." "Yeah, she's right, you should, Georgia." " Is my moustache showing?" " What moustache?" "Well, my mum gave me this cream to get rid of it." "You're so lucky you don't have dark hair like me." "I know." " But I do have to shave my armpits now." " Well, my mum's got sideburns." " Do you think we're sad, Georgia?" " Why?" "Because we're the only two left without boyfriends?" "Oh, come on in, Mum." "The door's only closed for my privacy." "Don't be silly." "You're the fruit of my womb." "I've seen all your bits and pieces." " Connie, paella's ready." " Jem is such a great cook." "He could teach your dad a thing or two, that's for sure." "Now, I need you to baby-sit Libby this weekend because I'm taking Jem to my salsa class Saturday." "Why?" "Because he's really passionate about it." "He's been dancing for years." " But Dad loves to dance." " Yeah." "Like Mick Jagger with two left feet." "Honestly, Mum." "Have a bit of dignity." "You could put a hip out at your age." "Whatevers." "Your mum's well wicked, you minger." "Minger." "Wonder why he's not here yet." "Hi." "Come, fiasco scale 9.9 approaching." " Peter, what are you doing?" " You never called me back." "Sorry, I've been really busy studying." "Listen, I'm really into you." "I have to kiss you." "Peter!" "Peter!" "Oh, my God!" "Look at the slag's knickers." "It's like something my gran would wear." "What?" "You have to tell Robbie that Peter's not my boyfriend." "That's not what it looked like." "You had your skirt up around your bazoomas," " with your knickers on full display." " It was awful." "Why couldn't I have just banged my head and gone into a coma and died right there?" "Why couldn't you have worn smaller knickers?" "Jas, this is serious!" "I have to get Robbie alone, away from that minging Lindsay." "You know, Tom told me he and Robbie are going to the pool this afternoon," " but Lindsay isn't going." " Why didn't you tell me this before?" "Honestly!" "Your best mate is banished into the Valley of Humiliation and you're withholding vital info." "Why isn't Lindsay going anyway?" "She doesn't like getting chlorine in her hair." "And she's checking out party venues." "Oh, no." "Her birthday's the same time as mine." "I don't want Lindsay to get the best club." "And I bet she's getting a killer D.J." "Well, her mum knows Fatboy Slim's neighbour." "You have to come to the pool with me." "But I hate swimming." "It makes my hair go all frizzy." "Please, Jas." "I have to talk to Robbie or I'll just die." "Hi, Georgia!" " What a surprise to see you here!" " Yeah." " I bring my little sister all the time." " Why don't you go and change?" "Jas, I need to speak with you urgently." "My life is a fiasco and a sham." "My mum's dumped Libby on me, so she can go salsa with George Clooney." "We're practically orphans since my dad left but now I've got even bigger problems." "Oh, my God!" "It'll be fine." "Just jump in when he's not looking." "Libby, this is Robbie." "Libby, stop licking Robbie." "She thinks she's part cat." "Come on, Libby, let's go for a swim with Tom." " Are you coming in the water, too, Jas?" " Yeah." "Well, you coming in then, or what?" "Robbie, about last night..." "It's cool." "I mean, Peter Dyer's got a rep as a bit of a ladies' man." "But I'm not going out with him." " Does he know that?" " Yes, totally." "It wasn't at all what it looked like." "Well, that's good." "All right, all right, all right." "Okay, let's do handstands." " I'm really good at this." " Okay, you're on." " Okay?" " Yeah." " So, how was it?" " Great." " I told you I was good." " Georgia, why are your legs orange?" "Oh, my God." "I'm such a sad excuse for a girl." "I thought my legs were too pale, so I used this stupid Kool-tan cream." "Don't, stop." "Please don't look at them." "They're like giant cheesy puffs." "I'd better go." "I've got to sort some things out." "I'll call you." " He kissed you?" " Result." " Oh, my God." " It was magic." "Way beyond all the stuff you're supposed to have." " Fireworks whooshing and stuff." " I get that with Tom." "And his lips were the perfect moisture." "Nothing like Saliva Boy." "And he did that varying pressure Rosie says foreign boys do, and then said, "I have to sort some things out. "" " What?" " I know." "What does that mean?" " It could be anything." " When do you think he'll call?" "Tom called me the same day he said he'd call me." " It will probably be any minute then." " I'm so happy for you, G." "So, let's step up the party plans." "We've got so much to sort out." "Venue, fashion statements, colour scheme." " You should do black and white." " Marvy." "G, Tom's texting." "I've got to go." "Bye." "Hello?" " Georgia?" " Hi, Dad." "Have you been on the phone?" "I've been trying to get through for an hour." "How many times have I told you not to run up the phone bill?" "Nice to hear your voice, too, Dad." "Mum!" "Dad's on the phone." "Hi, I've been waiting for your call." "Yeah, I've been trying to get through for ages, but Georgia's..." " Okay, Dad." "End of..." " Hold on." "I've got exciting news." "Connie, Georgia, I really want you to join me in New Zealand." " What?" " It's fantastic here and they love my ideas for the new division." "They want me to run it." "It's a big promotion." " Wow." " Are you mad?" "I can't go now." " I'm just starting to get a life." " Georgia, don't be selfish." "I'm not." "It's just, I'd be bored to death by sheep and hobbits." " We can't go." " Look, Georgia." "Can we talk about this later?" "This is costing me a pound a minute." "Can I speak to your mum alone for a second?" "Okay." "Please don't be long." "I'm expecting a very important phone call." "Robbie." " Hey, babe." " Hi." "Not again, Peter." "I'm still recovering from my injuries." "I'm sorry if I pushed you too far at the party." "You just drive me crazy." " Peter, I can't go out with you." "I'm sorry." " Why?" "You're my top student ever." "I may be moving away." "Okay, we'll just enjoy each moment till then." "Look, I can't go out with you because..." "Because..." "Because I'm a lesbian." "Jas, who does level five snogging then doesn't have the decency to call?" "A boy who can't make up his mind?" "But he said he was glad I wasn't going out with Peter." "And then he gave me a real kiss." "I really felt something deep in the pit of my stomach." "For goodness sake, Georgia, stop yapping and go to bed." "It's a school night." "Well, at least you know he doesn't think you're a lesbian." "But he could have told me about his gig in Brighton." " G?" " What now?" "Lindsay." "She's moved her party to the same date as yours." "How did she know that was the day of my party, anyway?" "She saw my designs for your party invite." " What?" " Well, I was showing Tom and she grabbed them." "Tom said they looked really artistic." "Jas." "What am I going to do now?" "No one's going to come to my loser party if it's on the same night as hers." "Georgia!" "You have to get enough sleep or your brain won't function." "It's a wonder you girls have anything left to talk about." "Mum, we're having a crisis and you're not helping." "You won't let me have a cool party in a club, and now everyone's going to laugh at me for being so lame, and no decent boys will ever want to know me because I'm the naff girl who had the sad party that no one went to." " Georgia." " Okay, good night, Mrs Nicolson." "Jas, spill it." "Georgie, darling." "Come here." "I know what you're feeling like, honey." "It's awful when you like someone that can't see how brilliant you are." " Mum, what exactly has Jas told you?" " She didn't say any more than that." "And, honey, it's your business." "You can talk to me if and whenever you want." "You're such a clever, bright girl, Georgia." "Remember that." "And please, have a look at this." "Mum, I really don't need to learn about astronomy right now." "No, honey, this is a very special book that will open your mind to the curious way of the male species." "See?" "I already knew boys were from a different planet." "They're infuriating." "They say one thing and mean another." "Exactly." "And they act like they like you and then they just ignore you." "Then out of the blue, they decide they want to move to New Zealand." "And don't worry too much." "I'm still trying to figure them out." "Okay, poppet?" "Yeah?" "Come on." "Jem, sweetie, can you come here?" "I need a hand." "Hi, girls." "I didn't see you there." "Put your tongues away, you slappers." "I need to discuss a plan." "Can you open this for me, love?" "I can never get it right." "Bottle of red?" " Mum!" " What?" "I'm getting really worried." "I mean, how long can it take to decorate one room?" " If I could just show you..." " Libby called him Daddy the other day." "When's your dad coming back?" "He wants to take the job in New Zealand." "What?" "So you're going to move there?" "No way." "My mum doesn't want to go, either." "And I can't go now, given the Robbie situation." " Good." " So, do you think your mum will divorce your dad to stay here?" " Sorry." " It's not a problem." "You know, you're right." "That George Clooney's well buff." "He'd never fancy your mum in a zillion years." " No way." " Now, why did you call us all over?" "Okay." "Last night, my mum tried to have this real woman-to-woman chat with me, after you opened your big gob about Robbie." " Cringeworthy or what?" " But then she gave me this book." "It's my mum's Boy Bible, and it told me how to get Robbie back." " But isn't that book American?" " Yeah." "Well, then it'll be about American boys, won't it?" "No, it's about boykind." " It says boys are like elastic bands." " What?" "What do you mean, like elastic bands?" "Well, they like to be all close, and then after a bit of being close, they have to stretch and get far away." "And you have to let them." " And then they come springing back." " Okay." "So, what's your plan?" "First I ask his mate, Dave the Laugh, to the gig." "Don't worry about a glass." "It's fine." "I need him for my plan, which involves the two osities." "Maturiosity and Glaciosity." "Firstly, I have to prove to Robbie that I'm sophisticated and grown up." "That's the maturiosity bit." "Secondly, I must be distant and alluring, and play hard to get." "Ice cool like a glacier." "That's the glaciosity bit." "The conclusion is that Robbie comes springing back like an elastic band." "He chucks Lindsay, and she's so upset, she cancels her party." "You look really gorgeous tonight, Georgia." "Thanks." "You're very honest." "Dave, what's the first thing you notice in a girl?" "Well, most lads would say eyes." "But they're lying." " It's your nunganungas." " What?" "Why do you call them nunganungas?" "Well, 'cause when you get hold of one, and then let it go it goes nunga, nunga, nunga." "One, two." "Dave, you make me laugh like a loon on loon tablets." "You're such a laugh!" "Good evening, Brighton." "We are the Stiff Dylans." "You spurn my natural emotions" "You make me feel like dirt And I'm hurt" "And if I start a commotion" "I run the risk of losing you And that's worse" "Ever fallen in love with someone" "Ever fallen in love In love with someone" "Ever fallen in, in love with someone" "You shouldn't have fallen in love with" "I can't see much of a future Unless we find out who's to blame" "What a shame" "Georgia!" "And we won't be together much longer" "Unless we realise that we are the same" "Hi, rock star." "Great show." " Not really." " What's wrong?" "I think I'm coming down with a cold or something." "I was just going to go say hi to Dave the Laugh and then..." "No time." "Everyone's coming back to mine." "No, you're right." "Thanks, Dave." "I had a lot of fun." "It was a laugh." "It was one of the best nights of my life." "I just want you to know, I really..." "like you." " Thanks again, Dave." "Good night." " See you soon, beautiful." "What's wrong with you?" "Your plan worked." "Poor Dave." "I keep seeing his face when he tried to kiss me." "I didn't mean to lead him on." "Hi, Dave." "Is everything okay?" " I hope your elastic band theory worked." " What?" "Jas told Tom you only went out with me to make Robbie jealous." "You're a heartless user." " What you did, that's just pants, that is." " I'm sorry." "And I really thought, you thought I was a laugh." "I told you I'm sorry." "I'm so beyond the Valley of Loserville because of you and your big mouth." "I didn't mean to tell Tom." "I was just saying how much you really liked Robbie and it just came out." "Dave thinks I'm a heartless user." "He's going to tell everyone, and Robbie will hate me forever." "If you weren't so loved up with cabbage boy, you would have thought about that before opening your fat gob." "Oh, just stop being so jealous, Georgia." "Jealous?" "What?" "Of Tom?" "He's not even good enough for you, Jas." "Do you seriously want to spend the rest of your life picking out cabbages?" "At least Robbie has bigger goals." " He wants to do music." " Well, at least Tom loves me." "Robbie isn't even your boyfriend." "Well, he would've been, if you hadn't put your big foot in it." "You never wanted me to get Robbie, did you?" "You wanted to be the one with the boyfriend." "No, it's all your own fault, Georgia." "You scared Robbie away with all your scheming and pretending." "And you said Lindsay was fake." " I'm never talking to you again." " Good." "End of." "And I did give you a four for your nose." "And I'm going to Lindsay's party instead of yours." "Georgia Nicolson." "Headmistress' office, now." "You've really pissed off a lot of people." "Dave's really cut up." "He's my mate, Georgia." "I didn't mean to use him." "You never called me when you said you would." "I handled it really badly, I know." "But I didn't want to two-time anyone." "Or hurt anybody's feelings." "So, you were thinking of breaking up with Lindsay" " and then you were going to call me?" " Yeah." "And then I saw you with Dave at my gig." "I was gutted." "But that's different now." "Why did you tell Jas that my brother wasn't good enough for her?" "I didn't mean that." "We were fighting..." "Does that mean I'm not good enough for you, either?" "No, of course not." "See, I thought you were different than that, Georgia." "But you're not." "You're just a kid." "You only think about yourself." "Honestly, Becky, he drives me crazy." "He just doesn't understand how moving to New Zealand might upset all of us." "He just doesn't get it." "We're arguing at all hours of the day." "I don't suppose the time difference helps." "Yeah, well, exactly." "Maybe we should stay here and let him go off on his own." "I should have left mine ages ago." "Now I can do what I want when I want." "But don't you think the little one misses him?" "No!" "He has the monster every other weekend." "Which is more than he bloody did when we were together." " Listen, I've got to go." "I'm meeting Jem." " Lucky you!" "Oh, behave." "Georgia!" "Are you up, love?" "I need you to watch Libby after school." "I've got salsa group." " Can I help you?" " Hi." " I'm Georgia Nicolson." " Bob's daughter?" "Yeah." "Would it be possible to speak with his boss?" "Well, I'm afraid Mr Hunter's already left for the day." " Is there something I can help you with?" " It's my dad." "He's been gone so long." "It was a great honour for him to get that promotion." "Everyone here wanted it." "Yeah." " He's good at his job, right?" " Yes." "What was it you wanted to say to Mr Hunter?" "You're going to think I'm mad, but I was going to ask him if my dad could come back." "You see, we really don't want to move out to New Zealand." "But we don't want him to leave us and stay there, and me and my little sister really want him to come home, and I know my mum does, too." "She just might not tell him on the phone, because, well..." "I just really don't want us to be apart." "Hi, I'm back." "Thanks, darling, for holding down the fort." "I had such a great time." "And you're making dinner, too." "How wonderful." "Georgie, I want you to know how much" "I appreciate you helping out these past few weeks." "No problem, Mum." "Georgie, you've been so good and I'm ready to talk about this party you want so badly." " I don't want it any more." " What?" "But you and Jas have been planning this for months." "I can't explain it, Mum." "I just don't want a party." "I want to go to New Zealand." " What?" " I've been really thinking about it, and it's a huge opportunity for Dad." "And we shouldn't stand in his way." "As his wife, you should support him, too." "There are five things I will do now to be more mature and prepare for my new life in New Zealand." "One, stop reading magazines and do Sudoku instead, to maximise brain size and stop Alzheimer's." "Two, do yoga every morning and night and cleanse my body of toxicity by banishing all negative feelings towards ex-best friends and bass players." "Three, listen to dolphins, because they're clever and unselfish." "Four, no more chips." "Only organic fruit and veg." "Although not from Robbie's shop." "Five, a new style for a new me." "Hi." "I sort of need to ask you something because you'll know." "You know, I don't blame you for not wanting to talk to me." "What you said really hurt, but you were right." "It wasn't me." "It was beyond pants, and I really am sorry." "I messed everything up with you, and with Dave and your brother." "I guess I was just jealous that Jas had a boyfriend..." "I broke up with Lindsay last night." "You know, I wrote a song about you." " Really?" " It's called Bitch In A Uniform." "I wrote it when I was pissed off with you." "But I still like you, Georgia." " Even though you are mad." " No, you don't." "I do." "I can't stop thinking about you." "I was hoping..." " Maybe we can go out?" " Oh, no." " I'm moving to New Zealand." " What?" "What is wrong with you?" "You're so random." "That's what I wanted to talk to you about." "My dad's just got a job out there." "And, at first, I said I didn't want to leave." "And then my mum started acting weird with this builder guy." "And so I said I'll go out there." "I guess I really just don't want my folks to split up." "Hey, no one does." "At least you're doing something about it." "It's just a shame you're leaving." "No, hold my hand, you muppet, so we can at least walk together, so we don't look like sad gits." "Okay." "I was experimenting before I dyed the whole thing." "Don't dye it blonde." "It's much nicer natural." "Happy Birthday to you" "Happy Birthday to you" "Happy Birthday, dear Georgia" "Happy Birthday to you" " Blow them out." " Blow out the candles." "It's from all of us." "We want you to get whatever you want." "A mobile phone?" "And maybe something nice to wear for tonight." " Why?" "What's happening tonight?" " We're going out dancing." " Jem's not coming, is he?" " No, hon, just me and you." " I'm taking you to your first night club." " Not Tramps." "That's where Lindsay's having her party." "Tramps?" "That is so last year." " We're going to a brand new club." " That sounds great, Mum." "Shall we go and call Dad?" "Well, I'm sure he'll call later." "It's the wrong time out there, so..." "Okay, Libby, well, be a good girl, won't you?" " I'm going to bed now." " Yeah." "And I'll come and get you in the morning." " See you in the morning!" " Okay." "All right, then." " Night, night." "Love you." "Bye." " Bye-bye." " You look so beautiful." " Thanks." "Come on, munchkin." "Mum, this looks pretty cool, but it's dead." "Are you sure you got the right address?" "It's supposed to be the most happening joint in town." "Oh, Mum." "You all right?" "Happy Birthday, Georgia!" "Oh, my God!" "Mum." "Jas helped me organise the whole thing." "What?" "Georgia." "There's someone else you have to thank, too." "Jem's been an angel." " Thanks, Jem." " It was my pleasure." "Georgia, we have another surprise for you." "We weren't quite sure when the right time to do this..." " Mum!" " What?" " Please don't get divorced." " What are you on about?" "Look." "Come on." "Looking good." "Hey." " Dad." " I told you" "I wouldn't miss your birthday party." "But what about New Zealand?" "We're supposed to be coming out there." "Honey, it must've been really hard for you to come to my office." "When I heard what happened," " well, it broke my heart." " Dad." "Well, you made quite an impression, little lady." "My boss ordered me home immediately." "They offered me a great new position, here." "Really?" " We're not leaving." " I know." "Now, why on earth did you think I was divorcing your dad?" "Divorce?" "What's going on?" "I just thought that because you've been wearing tight tops and more lippy, and it looked like you and Jem were..." "You see." "It just looked really..." "Happy Birthday, Georgia." "Jem's boyfriend owns this club." "He helped arrange all of this for you." "Interior decorator?" "Hello." "Your father may drive us mad but I love him to bits." "This is the best party ever." "Put your hands in the air and wave them like you just don't care!" "Let me hear you say..." "Make some noise for the Stiff Dylans!" " Who invited them?" " Your mum did." " What?" " I know a fittie when I see one." "Now, this is a new song I wrote and it's about Georgia." "And it's called Ultraviolet." "She is a wave And she's breaking" "She's a problem to solve" "And in that circle she's making" "I will always revolve" "And on her sight these eyes depend" "Invisible and indivisible That fire you ignited" "Good, bad and undecided Burns when I stand beside it" "Your light is ultraviolet" "Visions so insane" "They travel unravelling through my brain" "Cold when I am denied it" "Your light is ultraviolet" "I think I broke my neck." "Ultraviolet" "The fire you ignited" "Good, bad and undecided" "Burns when I stand beside it" "Your light is ultraviolet Visions so insane" "They travel..." "Before I vom over this vile song" "I'd like to make one little announcement myself." "Georgia Nicolson is a lad-nabbing letch who can't keep her slutty minx hands off other people's boyfriends!" "Lindsay?" "What are you doing?" "I know you're upset, but let's be mature adults." "You're just a big, fat, minging minger with huge knickers and a ginormous schnozzle!" "Robbie?" "This is your last chance." "It's either her, sad olive girl who gets everything wrong, or me, the woman who's so perfect for you." "Georgia's perfect, too." "She's just a perfect nutter." "Obviously, Robbie prefers his girlfriends unfake!" "I'm sorry she tried to ruin your party." "You think I'm perfect?" "I think you're mad." "You're perfect for me." "Angus looks like he's in Brokeback Mountain." "Where is the marmalade?" "I haven't even got any marmalade." "There are five things very right with my life." "One, my mum and dad are totally loved up." "So I don't mind them snogging in front of us any more." "Two, Angus is a legend, even in fancy dress." "Three, I have really top friends that put up with me even when I act dim." "Which I'm not going to do any more." " Okay, bye." " Bye." " See you, Libby." " Bye, have a nice day." "Four, I don't care any more about looking perfect." "It's so overrated." "And five," "I don't need a nose job or blonde hair 'cause my sex-god boyfriend likes me just the way I am." "Result!" "Subtitled by R3N"