"Oh." "Oh, no!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "Oh!" " I really worked up an appetite murdering those bull's-eyes." " Oh, not again." "Oh." " Trump just says what he feels." "You know what I'm talking about?" " Yeah, totally." "Hey, cousin." " Oh, hey, guys." " Surprised to see you on the couch, Jeff." "Not!" "Cool." "Hey, aren't you guys supposed to be on a date?" " We just were." "We went to the range." "Donnie made me shoot his gun." "At first, I was scared, but then I was grateful he forced me to do it." " Mm." " Cool." " All right, well, I'm late for my night watch shift, so, uh..." " Call me after your wife goes to sleep." " Bye." "Ooh, come to Mommy." " Does Donnie still not know you smoke weed?" " Of course he doesn't." "I can't implicate Donnie." "He's an officer of the law." " No, he's not." "He runs a volunteer neighborhood watch." " You're just a perma-hater 'cause you haven't gotten laid since high school." "Just let me put you on OkCupid." " No, I hate that it's the only way people meet nowadays." "You know, I was born in the wrong decade." " Born in the wrong decade." "I know." " Well, I was." " I hate when you say that." " You know what?" "Let me..." "let me..." "Um, I'll open my mail, and I got to close my..." " Jeff!" "This is the third time." "This is the third computer you've broken." "What is wrong with you?" " Hey, I'm sorry!" " It's disgusting." " It's not my fault everything's shitty and made in sweatshops nowadays and breaks if a drop of jizz hits it." " Aim, Jeff, or do it away from my computer." " I can't get off without HD porn, Sharee." "It's the only good thing about 2016." " Ew." "Please, stop." " And I'm not alone in that, you know." " Did you eat my buffalo chicken bites?" " No." " Well, now you owe me buffalo chicken bites, you bitch." " Okay." "Chill out." "I'll go to Wawa and buy you new bites right now." " Yeah, we will." "But I'm too high to drive." "♪ ♪" "♪ ♪" " Watch out!" " Hey!" " Holy shit!" " Holy shit!" "Oh, my God!" " Oh, my God!" " And then these two people..." " They just came out of the sky." "I mean, they fell, like, smack down on the ground." " They landed..." "there was all this smoke, and they just materialized out of thin air." " And they just appeared." "I mean, it was unbelievable." " It was, like, extraterrestrial." " Look, I'm gonna write down," ""One white male killed, jaywalking."" " Again, there was also a black woman." " And they weren't jaywalking." "They literally appeared out of the sky." " Are you high?" " Definitely jaywalking, yeah." " They were jaywalking." " We're done." "Get out of here." " God, okay." " Okay, Jesus." " Whoa." "Oh, my God." "Hey, hey!" " Oh, hey." " I found a clue!" " This is from the people." " Evidence!" " I said get out of here!" " Jesus!" " Jesus Christ." "♪ ♪" "Whoa." "♪ ♪" " Looks like Chinese." " I have an app that translates languages in real time." "Look." " Huh, "pencil case."" " It was supposed to say "destiny."" "I'm gonna kill that bitch." " Dude, just tell people it says "destiny."" "No one's gonna know." " It said "destiny" in the catalog." " You know what?" "Actually, why don't you just get it removed?" " I'm just gonna tell people it's "destiny."" " Why are you being aggressive?" "I just gave you that idea." " It meant something to me." " Well..." " And now it's meaningless." " No, it means "pencil case."" " Okay, just look." ""Time traveling bong."" " "Smoke once to travel." "Smoke again to return."" "You don't think..." " That this bong we found on the street is a functioning time machine?" "No, Jeff." "I'm an American citizen." "I'm not an idiot." " We got to try it." " Sure, yeah, right." "It's not real, so yeah, fine." " Great." " That's fine." " Great." " You're gonna feel like a real schmuck pussy if it doesn't work, so..." " I'm not gonna feel like a schmuck pussy if this doesn't make us time travel." " Fine." "Go." "♪ ♪" "♪ ♪" " Oh." " Ah!" " Oh." "Wow!" " Oh, my God!" "What is this?" "Oh, oh, what is this shit?" "There's a footprint." " I think it's a dinosaur." " Smoke, smoke, smoke, smoke!" "Ah!" " Oh!" " Oh, it's real." " Oh, my God!" " It's real." " Oh, God." " Oh!" " That was insane!" " Oh, my God." " I have to call Donnie." " What?" "No!" "No, no, you can't call Donnie." "He's just gonna call the FBI so he can get a key to the city or some shit." " We should call the FBI or... or NASA or the police or..." "I don't know." "We shouldn't have this." "What are you doing?" " Are you kidding?" "I'm going again." "Sharee, that was the coolest 12 seconds of our lives." " Sorry, Jeff." "I have a boyfriend, and I have a job." " What, you're not gonna time travel because of your shift at Hertz rent-a-car?" "Sharee, we have to." "Think about it." "Anything would be better than the twenty-teens." "We could go anywhere!" "We could see..." "King Tut, you know?" " I don't care!" " We could have so much fun, Sharee, like we used to have." " Listen, if you don't go, I'm gonna go, and then you're gonna miss out, like that time you blacked out when you were at karaoke and Britney Spears came in and they didn't wake you up." " Don't even bring that up." "That is so dick of you to bring that up!" " I'm just saying, you're gonna miss out big-time." "And we can come right back, right?" " Yes, we can come right back, and it's as if no time has passed." " Okay, okay." "Okay, I'm in." " Yes!" "Yes!" " I'm in, as long as we come right back." " Yes." "I promise." " Maybe I'll call Hertz rent-a-car first, just let them know I'm not coming in tomorrow." " You're gonna be back before tomorrow." "And even if you weren't, who cares, Sharee?" "It's Hertz rent-a-car." "It's gonna be really fun." "It's gonna be safe." "It's gonna be safe and chill." " Just first let me prepare." "Let me prepare." "Ah." "Perfect." "Okay, so how does this work?" "Like, why'd we just go to dino times?" " I saw "Jurassic World" last week." "It must have been on my mind." " Oh." " You know, like, in the folds of my brain?" "Maybe if we visualize where we want to go, we'll go there." "Oh, my God." "You know where I'd love to go?" "Old Hollywood." "It is so glamorous." "I feel like I'd fit right in." " Sure." " Okay, old Hollywood." "Old Hollywood." "Old Hollywood." "Old Hollywood." " Old..." " Old Hollywood." "Old Hollywood." " Whoa." "♪ ♪" "Ew." "This isn't old Hollywood." " Witch!" "Witchcraft!" " No, no, no, no, no!" "Good... good sire, we're from the future." " You're a lying witch!" " Yeah!" " Yes!" " No, no!" "No, we're not." "I can prove it." " We're from 2016." " A trick most satanic!" "♪ ♪" " Hey!" "Come on!" " Ooh!" " Jesus!" "That was a new phone!" " That filthy witch has a tiny cauldron." " No!" " Burly Man!" " Let's go." "Let's go." "Go, go, go, go, go, go." "Smoke, smoke, smoke, smoke." " No!" "No!" "No!" " No!" "God, no!" " Oh, God!" "Oh!" " Burn the witch!" " Oh, my G..." " Hey, hey, what are you doing?" "What are you doing?" " Stop!" " Taking her away from you, handsome stranger." " I'm his cousin." "We just came here together." " Quiet, you crinkum-crankum, you fat witch." " I'm not a witch." "If I'm a witch, he's a witch." "Tell them, Jeff." "Come on." " Does she speak the truth, sir?" "Are you also the vicar of Satan?" " Nope, she's the witch, not me." " What?" " Good enough for me." " Jeff, you..." " Take her to Reverend Hale." "Aye!" "Burly Man!" " Aye!" " I'm sorry." " What is your name, good sir?" " Jeff." " What strange garb you wear." "From where do you hail?" " Uh, Jersey?" " Sir Jeff, the bailiwick of Jersey." " Sure." " Welcome to Salem, the pearl of Massachusetts." " Wait, this is Massachusetts?" " Has anyone seen my Pete?" " Ooh." "Definitely Massachusetts." "Yeah." "Oh, God." " Is everything all right, Sir Jeff?" " Ugh, no." "This wasn't the witch's cauldron." "It was my pipe..." "my vase-pipe." " You could bring it to the glassblower to have it fixed, Sir Jeff." " Silence, woman!" " Ooh, Jesus." " I have an idea." "You could bring it to the glassblower to have it fixed, Sir Jeff." " Wait, you guys have a glassblower here?" "Ah, that's dope!" " "Dope"?" " Oh, um, of course you don't understand." ""Dope" is like "good,"" "you know, "chill," "all chill"?" "It's good." "It's great." " Chill." " Yeah." " Well." "Dope." " And so we brought her to you." "Jesus!" " She's lain with Satan!" " Forsooth, the balls of Beelzebub have bounced upon her chin." " What?" " Silence!" "If witchcraft has come to Salem, we will stamp it out." "But we must not be hysterical." "We must investigate the accused with scientific tests." " Oh, thank God." "Someone reasonable with logic and... and science." "Oh, God!" "Ow!" "God!" " Hmm." " Ow, ow, ow!" " She bleeds." " Ow, my tit!" " 'Tis a human quality." "We must continue the tests." "If she survives, then she is a witch." "If she dies, then she wasn't." " Oh,..." "Aye!" "Oh, my God." "♪ ♪" " So water goes in here, tobacco here." "You suck out of here..." " This will be a quickie blow job for me." "Great." "Thank you so much." "Should I wait here, or should I..." " Not probably." "First I'll have to gather some dried kindling to start the fire." "And then I'll have to travel to Brewster to get the coal, which could take almost half a day." "Then I'll have to stoke the fritter furnace." " Okay, um..." " Then Thursday I have a thing." "Sorry." "We have a thing." " Okay, well, then..." " Let me finish!" " Gotcha." " The whole thing could take almost half a fortnight, but it will be done..." "Oh." " Expertly." " You know what?" "I'm gonna do what I have to do, which is trust you." " You have amazing teeth." " Two rounds of braces." " What?" " Um, metal things you put on your teeth to make them straight." "Don't worry about it." " Okay." " All right, well..." "Oh, could you tell me where they took my cousin, you know, that witch?" " Don't worry about her." "If I were you, I'd go to town, have some fun." "She's in good hands." " Dunk her again!" " Oh, God!" "♪ ♪" "Oh, God!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "Oh, God!" "Oh, God!" "♪ ♪" "♪ ♪" " Oh!" " Scat, ye devils!" "Leave the witch alone!" "Girls, help." "Please help me." "Girl power." " Hi, witch." " Gonna help me?" "Gonna help me out?" "Come on." " As a matter of fact, we were hoping you could help us." " Huh?" " We have our hearts set on some of the men in town." " And we are hoping you could put a spell on them so they would love us." " And also fix my back." " But if you can only do one thing, definitely the men one." " God, I'm not a witch!" "If I was, don't you think" "I'd fly out of your shitty town?" "Also, why would you want to be with these guys?" "They're disgusting." "They stink..." "their breath." "God, when do you get toothpaste?" " So you can't fix my back?" " What are you girls doing near the fat witch?" " Um, we're beating her, sir." " Good!" "Put your back into it, ladies." " Please, no." "Come on, dude." " Sorry, witch." " Sorry, witch." " Sorry." " Sorry." " Dee, diddle-diddle-diddle." "Oh-ho, there she is!" "Whoo!" "Sharee!" "Sharee, it's me, Jeff." "How are you, bae?" "Oh, gosh!" "God, I'm glad to see you." "Dude, we did it." "We time traveled." "We're in the 1400s." " It's 1691, Sir Jeff!" " Elias!" " Sir Jeff!" " God, the people here are so friendly." "Am I right?" "Look at this." "They gave me this cravat and this vest." " I look good, right?" "I got a confession, Sharee." "I love it here." "Right?" " Yes, high five." "I'm so glad we did this." "You know what?" "Thank you for doing this with me." "I'm glad we're finally having fun again together, you know?" "Oh, and, dude, the food..." "Have you had any of this turkey?" "Do you want some of this?" "Oh!" "Oh, Jesus, Sharee!" "Dude, I didn't know it was this bad." "I'm so sorry." "We're gonna get out of here, okay?" "There's a glassblower, and I'm gonna get the bong fixed." "I think he's gonna do an amazing job." "Oh, Sharee, you're really bleeding." "You know I get faint if I see bloo..." " Witness the trial of a filthy witch!" "Witness the trial of a filthy witch!" " Witch trial?" "Sharee..." " Witness the trial of a filthy witch!" "Witness the trial of a filthy witch!" " Shit." " You know, it really feels like you've made your decision already." " Order!" "The smelly wench has survived many of our tests, which only a witch could survive." "But we have decided we want to hear witness testimony." "Who here has been afflicted?" "Ah!" "Line up!" " Oh, you." " Nice and neat." " you." " I want to see a clean line." " you." "♪ ♪" " I need my..." " Sir Jeff." "I think you'll be very happy with me." " Oh, yes, thank you." "What the is that?" " Why, it's your vase-pipe, Sir Jeff." " Looks like shit." "This looks like shit!" "What did you do?" "Oh, God!" "You... you!" " Oh!" " When erect, my eavesdropper once scored the length of two barleycorn." "Now 'tis but five poppy seeds, all lined up." " Ooh." " I blame the witch." " This is not about me." " Thank you for your testimony, Ezekiel." "You are dismissed." "I would like to call our final witness..." "Sir Jeff, the bailiwick of Jersey!" " Thanks." " We just wanted to say..." " I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." " That having you here has been so tight." "As such, we have named our main roadway" "Jeff Street." "I have made my decision." "I hereby find..." " Don't I... don't I even get the chance to defend myself?" " Of course not." " Hold on, guys." "Wait, wait, wait." "I think she should at least be able to defend herself, right?" " Okay." "I have an idea." "I think she should be at least able to defend herself, right?" " Okay." "Well..." "I'd like to read a statement that I've written." " A woman who can read and write!" "There's the proof." "Burn the witch!" " No, no, no, wait!" "Wait!" "Stop!" "Sharee!" " I put to death this witch." "May this be a message to Satan." "We reject ye!" " Wait, wait, wait." "I was the first afflicted." "I want to set the witch aflame." " Okay, cool." " Yeah, cool." " Uh..." "Here goes the witch." " Witchcraft is real!" "Burn all the women!" " Keep one for birthing!" " Oh, God!" " Ow!" "I saved you!" " You almost got me killed, you asshole." "God." " I found your phone." " I forgive you." "No service." "Where are we?" "We're... we're not home." "This is not home." "That glassblower must have messed up the bong when he blew it." "Ugh." "This is not my fault." " It is your fault." "You said we'd smoke right back." "So now what, the structural integrity of the bong has changed, so we can't get home and we have no ability to control where we go, forcing us to bounce around the space-time continuum indefinitely?" " I don't know." " Holy shit." " Cavemen." " Smoke, smoke, smoke, smoke." " Okay, okay." ", it's cashed." " Didn't you bring more weed?" " No, I thought we'd be right back." " Lie down." "Pretend you're dead." "♪ ♪" " Oh!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "I'm peeing!" " Me too!" "♪ ♪" " Next time on "Time Traveling Bong"..." " Who are we to say what history should and shouldn't be?" " Not us." "I don't trust us." "We are idiots." "The Jacksons!" "♪ ♪" " Thank you so much."