"(Alice) They're random acts of sex, OK?" "They're encounters." "Romances, one-night stands, 20-year marriages." "Get a group of gay girls together, you are guaranteed someone slept with someone else... ..who slept with someone else, and so on." "Name any lesbian." "I can link her to me in six moves." " Christine Lee." " Christine Lee..." "Easy." "All right, let me think about this." "OK, she was with Grace Partridge a couple of years ago." "Grace had a one-night thing with Anya, then Anya dated Denise who lived with Katherine Claymore who was my first girlfriend out of college." "It's amazing, right?" "Marc, it's not just about lesbians." "I could put you on this thing and probably like six connections, easy." " One if you slept with Anya." " So?" "So the point is we're all connected." "Through love, through loneliness, through... one tiny, lamentable lapse in judgment." " All of us, in isolation..." " Hmm.... ..we reach out from the darkness, from the alienation of modern life" " to form these connections." " Mm-hm." "I think it's a profound statement about the nature of human existence." "All right, I could just do a piece on vaginal rejuvenation." " Now that I like." " (groans)" "(music through headphones)" "Let's do it." " Guess what?" " Mm?" "I'm clean and you want to get me sweaty and stinky?" "No, but later for sure." "When we do an insemination." "You and me, tonight, here at home, sexy, in love, with no doctors..." "..no fluorescent lights, no paper gowns." " Do you want to?" " Yeah, I..." "I want to." "But last time I checked, you needed sperm to make it work." "I'm going to the cryobank this afternoon." "For Marcus's sperm?" "Yes." "I don't know what I was thinking." "There's no reason on Earth that I wouldn't wanna make a baby with you using a donor who's black." "I..." "I think..." " I think I was..." " Don't think..." "'Cause I would love to make a baby with you." "Tonight." "In our home." "In our bed, just you and me." "Tim, can I talk to you?" "Now?" "I gotta go." "The girls will already be in the water." "You should have seen Trish yesterday." "She was on fire." "And Mary." "If we keep them in that zone we're gonna ream SC on Saturday." " Go, team." " Hey, you bet your sweet ass." "(squeals excitedly)" " When am I gonna see you again?" " I'll be at Milk on Thursday." "OK." "I'll see you there." "Go like that." " You had something." " Yeah?" "Thanks." " I'll see you later." " OK." "Bye." "See you." "(keypad beeps)" "(ringing tone)" "Hello, how are you doing?" "Yeah, let's get together." "All right." "See you soon." "Yeah." "Good." "Higher, higher, higher." "No, I'm talking to Dana." "How much time do I have?" "Then it'll be ten minutes, all right?" "I gotta call you back." "Look." "Why don't we take a break?" "Get a light snack and we'll come back and work on that slice." "OK, what, like, 45 minutes, what?" " 45 minutes." "Great." "OK?" " 45 minutes." "Yeah." "OK." " (woman) Reviva." "Who is it?" " Uh, yeah." "Alice Peters." "I have an appointment." "I don't understand." "What do you want?" " I have an appointment." " For what?" "What do you want?" " I need to get my vagina rejuvenated." " Why didn't you just say so?" "(door release buzzes)" "Um, hi." "Alice Peters." "Alice." " Gabby!" " Don't do it." "The recovery's hell." " Can you tell the doctor I'm here?" " Alice!" "What?" "(whispering) I behaved badly." "I'm sorry." "I was an asshole, I know that." "I freaked out." "It was really intense and, you know, I...." "I wasn't ready for it." "But I still have feelings for you." "I mean, I think about you all the time." "You look great." "I am not doing this again, Gabby." "Please!" "Let me try again." "Can't we just have lunch?" " No." "I..." " Just...?" " OK." " Just lunch?" "I'll prove how much I've changed." "Say yes, Alice." "Just say yes." "(phone rings)" "Hello, Reviva?" "Let me check the books." "OK, what about Tuesday the 23rd, around three?" "Three o'clock?" "He's got a whole hour then." "Oh." "OK, um..." "I'm afraid not until two weeks later, actually, on the Thursday." "10am?" "Would that be good for you?" "Right, great." "I'll put you in." " I didn't order that." " I know." "They're from her." "Lara Perkins, our sous-chef." " Soup chef?" " (laughs) Yeah, right." "(soaring piano concerto in background)" "(answering machine) Hi, Jenny, it's Marina." " I was thinking about you." " (beep)" "(thinking) It washed up on the beach in Santa Monica, a swollen tangled mass in seaweed." "A jogger stepped, hovered, poked at it with her toe." "Sarah Shuster's body flopped back, her still, limpid eyes staring up at the sky." "(swirling chanting)" "You are so over, and busted, bitch." "Lacey, stop." "Lacey!" " You can kiss your little four Fs goodbye." " What are you talking about?" "The four Fs." "She finds them, feels 'em, fucks 'em and forgets 'em." "But I'm gonna tell the whole world who you are." "OK, she..." " You are so fucked for kicking me out!" " Calm down." "Figure it out somewhere else." " Keep it away from my friends and business." " You'll see, Shane!" "Ritorno più tardi." "What's up with Jenny and Marina?" " Nothing as far as I know." " What's going on?" "Guys, it's none of our business." "Let it go." " Jenny's straight." " Most girls are until they're not." "Sometimes they're gay till they're not." "There are also the ones that never look back." "You can spot them a mile away." " How?" " You read the signals." " That's my problem." " Dana, it's not a problem." "No, sexuality is fluid." "Whether you're gay, straight or bisexual, you go with the flow." "No, that is my problem." "I can't feel the flow." "That thing, whatever it is, I don't got it." " You don't have gaydar." " No." " You're so right." "You don't." " Everyone's got it." "You just have to tune in." "I'm gonna prove it." "That girl who just came in, what is she?" "A customer?" "I don't know." "Dana, are her fingernails long or short?" " (Alice) Polished or natural?" " Long and polished." " So she's..." " Leaning to straight, but you need more info." " Look at the shoes." " High-heeled sandals." "With tapered jeans." "Would you wear high-heeled sandals with tapered jeans?" " Yes?" " No." " I've only seen her in her chef's uniform." " Dana, I doubt that woman's a chef." "No, she's got a thing for a chef." "I do." "I'm impressed." "You're into someone and want to know whether they're down." " Down?" " Whether she plays for our gay team?" "Don't bisexuals have their own team?" "All right, I'm gonna help you, even though you're extremely annoying." " Do you know the name of this girl?" " Yes." "You know the chart?" "I put it on the Internet." " You what?" " All right, don't freak." "It's really cool." "This thing is growing." "People are adding names." "It's growing exponentially." "I love the sound of that." "(thinking) The cold, clammy wind blew." "Sarah's coffin was lowered into the ruddy, damp earth." "(swirling chanting)" "I was thinking about you." "Hi, Jenny, it's Marina." "I was thinking about you." " (beep) - (tape scrambles as rewound)" " I was thinking about you." " (beep)" "(man) End of final message." "Press erase again to erase all messages." " (beep) - (man) No messages." "(Blunt singing "Wild Strawberries")" "♪ I don't want to be an astronaut♪" "To us." "♪ I've flown higher on my own ♪" "To our future." "♪ I don't want to be a movie star ♪" "To Marcus Allenwood's unbelievably high sperm count." "♪ I don't need to be alone ♪" "It's fascinating." "It's a very clear pink." "Sean's was kind of greenish." " More viscous." " Mm." "No, don't be grossed out." "We have to honour it." "We honour you." "We honour you." "All 75 million of you." "Do we have everything we need?" " Yes." " OK." "Syringe.... diaphragm..." "Magical juice." "Magic juice." "♪ And I don't want to be a nightingale" "♪ I don't need to feel that cheap" "♪ All that I need is an antidote" "♪ All that I need is a muse" "♪ Everything that starts off burning" "♪ Ends up feeling used ♪" "Let's do it." "Yeah, let's do it." " (Shane) I'm the centre of the universe." " You're a major hub." "There's only one other girl." "Mary O'Reilly dated this lesbian porn star." "She has a crazier matrix than you." "There's a... dotted line between you and Gabby Deveaux." "No, there isn't." "I ran into her the other day, doing research on my vaginal-rejuvenation story." "She was the Reviva receptionist." "She thought I was there for the surgery." "She was like "But, Alice, your pussy's tight."" "It was..." "She looked good." "It was funny." " Didn't she treat you like shit?" " Worse." "Al, I will kill you if you get back together with her." "Shane, I'm not gonna get back together with her." " It's not gonna happen." "All right?" " No, I'm serious." "What's the name of your cook?" "Uh, Lara Perkins." "L-A-R-A." " Lara, OK." " She's the soup chef." "A sous-chef?" "Like an assistant chef?" " Oh, yeah." " Sous-chef?" "Yeah, that's totally what she is." "Yeah." "OK, I might as well start with Shane." " Why must you do that?" " Chances are, if she's into girls..." "Look, Dane, it totally wouldn't have meant anything." " Oh, that's comforting." "Thanks." " She's not on it." " What's that mean?" " I did a whole search." "She didn't sleep with Shane, which is good, but she didn't sleep with anyone." " How long do I have to stay this way?" " Shall we try the diaphragm again?" "That's disgusting." " We gotta tell Sonya to clean under there." " (doorbell)" " Did we forget something?" " (knocking)" "No..." "Hi." "Were you sleeping?" " Not exactly." " We called." "No one answered." " So the logical conclusion was to come over?" " No." "It's an emergency..." "It started as a gaydar thing." "Shane and I can handle that but this one has major relationship stuff." "She needs extra advice." "I am so embarrassed." "I'm sorry." "It's OK, Dana." "We were finished." "Oh, my God!" " Oh." "Hey!" " Hey." "What is this?" " Marcus Allenwood." " (squirts)" "OK, all right, all right." " That is disgusting." " (Dana) Get it off!" "No one can get pregnant through a sweater." " I'll get it." " So we could be here at the conception?" " You could, yes." " I'm sorry." "Would you like us to leave?" " That would be too late." " Tell us about the emergency." "The emergency is Miss Dana is hot for this little nugget at her country club." "Lara Perkins." "Not on the chart." " I just wanna know..." " If she's gay?" " Have you looked at her fingernails?" " Not gonna work." "She's a chef." " What kind of dresser is she?" " She wears this cute uniform." "Sometimes she wears a stripy apron." "What about personal interaction?" "Is she flirtatious?" "Does she make eye contact?" "Does she touch your hand when she's talking to you?" " I haven't talked to her up close yet." " You shout across the room?" "No." "Look, I just wanna know." "Before I talk to her and make an ass of myself." "Honey, we can't make an accurate analysis if you haven't had a conversation with her." " We need something." " She sends me food." "She sends me vegetables on skewers with these perfect grill marks on them." "Sometimes she sends me dipping sauces with no fat or anything in them, not to mess up my training." "These vegetables, did she come up with them or did you order them?" " She just sends them." " But she hasn't spoken to you." " Ask her out." " (Bette) No, Dana cannot do that." "You can't come out to someone who's just being nice to you" " because you're important at the club." " Exactly." " Don't encourage her." " It's OK." "We'll take care of this." " You mean?" " I mean." " What?" " We are going to deploy a mission to ascertain the disposition and intent of one Miss Lara Perkins." "Hey." " What are you doing here?" " It's nothing I haven't seen before." "Where's the shorts?" " The ones you wore yesterday." " In the wash." "Why?" "They make your ass look better." "Not to worry." "Subaru's interested in more than a good ass." " Subaru?" " Yeah." "Campaign." "A rep's gonna be in the stands tomorrow watching you train." "Oh, my God." "Oh, God!" "Oh, God!" "Jesus." "Honey, pump up a little before you hit the court." "I want to see veins popping." "Who busts his balls for you?" " You do!" " Right!" " Wear the shorts." " I'll wear the shorts." "(laughing) Oh, my God!" "Hey!" "Are you OK?" "Uh, I'm fine." "I'm fine." "That was my agent." "He told me Subaru might want to use me for an ad campaign." "So they're gonna watch me train tomorrow." " Which is so cool." " That's so exciting." "Yeah, it is." "It is kinda..." "I mean, I can't mess up." " So..." " I'm sure you won't." "Um, you can turn around now." "My jacket's back on." "My job is so messy." "I have to change three times a day." "You always look nice when I see you." "I mean, you never look dirty.... ..when I see you." "I gotta go." "I have to..." "I have to go." "Listen, why don't you come by later?" " I'll send something down for you." " OK, yeah." " Great." " Thank you." " Goodbye." " Bye." "Bag." " Bye." " Bye." "(Shane) Hey, Al." "How did it go?" "You're not serious?" "Maybe it's for the best." "What is?" "Gabby Deveaux stood Alice up." " Yeah." " Never mind." " Let's help Dana and then we can help you." " Alice!" "I am so sorry I'm late." "Yeah, you really are." "Working on my screenplay, lost track of time." "You know how it is." " Yeah." " Can you forgive me?" "Yeah." "Um... my friends are waiting." "I should probably go." "Do you have to do everything your friends want?" " Alice, we really gotta go." " OK, all right." "Oh, yeah, you do." "(Bette) Alice, we gotta go." "OK." "(mouths)" " All right, guys." "OK." " Let's do it." "(whispering) Pretend you don't know us." "Dana, may I sit with you?" "So which one is she?" "Wow." "Very nice, Dana." "No, I'm here for you." " It's the redhead." " Cute redhead." " Kitchen shoes." "Neutral." " Look at the earrings." "Hoops." "Hard to read." "Oh, quick, she's looking." "What are they doing?" "Abort." "All right." "I'll be back." "So far it's neck and neck." "She got good lezzy points for her walk and wielding that knife." "But she's femmy on the coiffure tip." "Her reaction to you kissing was split." "She didn't freak out, but she hardly paid any attention." "But she has nine in the les column and seven in the straight." "But the margin of error's plus or minus five percentage points." "You know what we have to do?" "(coughs)" " Hi." " I'm sorry?" "I was just wondering if you had those, uh, you know, sweet little figs." "Oh, I know." "I love figs." "Unfortunately, they're out of season right now." "They are?" "Well, then, uh..." "I was wondering if you can recommend something else." "I just kind of have that... craving." "Well, sometimes we have these champagne truffles for dessert but not today." "Um, that's about all that comes to mind." "That's it?" "Yeah, that's it." "All right, then." "Thank you." "I'm sorry, Dana." "It doesn't look good for Miss Lara Perkins." "Maybe she's a different kind of lesbian." "Yeah, the straight kind." "The Shane test pretty much works on every woman." " You didn't get anything from her?" " I got nothing." " There are a lot of other fish in the sea." " Gay fish." " Oh, my God." " Who is that?" "Shit." "Will you get me to your car, please?" "You guys are really cutting edge now." "Lesbian moms, biracial child..." "We are pretty in." "You'll get that kid into the early-education centre." "Diversity poster child." " (Shane) Ladies." " Hey." "Isn't that your neighbour?" " Think he knows?" " Knows what?" "That his girlfriend's making the team with Marina." " That is ridiculous!" " OK, all right." "I only repeat what I hear." " Did Marina tell you?" " Marina didn't tell her a thing." "It's what Marina didn't tell me, yeah?" "Why do you have to believe that everyone is sleeping with everyone else?" " Because they are." " No, that's your fantasy." "Here is a truly radical idea for you to contemplate." "Monogamy isn't hypothetical." "Some people actually practise it." "Oh." "Right." "I'll take care of it." "Don't worry." " It's on the house." " Hey, thank you." " How are you?" " Good, and you?" "I haven't seen you and Jenny in a while." "I've been buried." "We have the biggest competition of the year in two weeks." "She's just been writing." "She hasn't been in at all, huh?" "Not when I was around, no." "You know what?" "We're having a dinner party tonight." "Just thrown together last minute." "You should come." " That's sweet but I have things to do." " It'll be fun." "You're gonna know people there- Bette and Tina." "Jenny'd love to have you." "Eight o'clock at our house." "Bring anyone you want." "I see what Jenny sees in you." "Um, thanks." "Come." "Bye." "Wow." "Three beautiful women all at once." "Please, come in." "Hi." "You look great." "Thank you." "Thank you so much." "Randy Jackson, Carol Gargione." "These are our neighbours, Bette Porter, Tina Kennard." " Nice to meet you." " And this is Marina...?" " Ferrer." " Which is why I let her introduce herself." "I got chilli in the kitchen." "Jenny called." "She's gonna be late." " Sorry about that." "Make yourselves at home." " I'll help with these." "Thank you very much." "Subaru loved you." "What?" "Yeah, you're their girl." "You're their number one tennis-playing babe." " I got it?" " Yeah, you got it." "Done deal." "Goddamn loved your fucking guts." " I got it?" " Yeah." "Who do you love?" " You!" "Oh, my God!" " That's right." "You're sweating all over my suit." "(knocks)" "Jenny, hi." "Here, let me help you." " Hey, how are you?" " Good, how are you?" "Hey." " I missed you." " Hi." "Nice to see you." "Hi." "So, I got... those little chocolate dessert things that are so fucking expensive..." "Thank you." "So, chilli's ready." "You're not." "If you can run and get changed..." " OK?" "I'll see you... in a second." " Um..." "I just ran into her." "Why are you so upset?" "Because I didn't know she was gonna be here." "It just kind of sucks." "And I have nothing to wear." "Fuck." "OK, this is fine." "It's fine." " Look, I don't get it..." " Shut the door, please." "I don't get what the big deal is." "Did something happen?" "No, nothing happened." "I don't like her, OK?" "She has, you know, this way of acting like... ..she knows everything that..." "I'm gonna go out there and get this over with." "Jen, stop for a second." "Jen?" "Stop." "We are not gonna let this ruin our evening." "We're gonna have a good time." "Whatever competitive thing you have going with Marina, just talk to her." "Kiss and make up or whatever you women do." "(whooping and cheering)" "Whoo!" "All right." "Everybody put your hands together and welcome Rebecca Thatcher doing Sir Mix-A-Lot's "I Like Big Butts."" " So why did we come to karaoke night?" " She's here." "Gabby Deveaux again?" " (Shane) You invited her, didn't you?" " (Alice) No!" "I might have mentioned I might be here." "She had a good excuse last time." "She's a poor excuse for a decent human being." "She's really changed, Shane." "OK, you know?" "She's a lot better than she used to be." "(Shane) Right." "Wow, do you see her boots?" "Hot, hot, hot!" "You get with her and I will kill you." "She'll step on your dignity with those boots." "Trust me." "Thank you." "You look like a Renaissance painting." "Oh, gosh." "Thank you." "Uh, everyone, before we start, Jenny and I have a little announcement to make." " Tim..." " You're getting married?" "That's wonderful." " Congratulations, you guys." " Congratulations." " (Randy) Hey, that deserves a toast." " Tutti auguri." "All right." "Cheers." "Thank you." " (Randy) Can we dig in?" " (Tim) Please, do." " (Shane) Don't turn around." " Alice." " Hey." " I know you're not ignoring me." "I was busy." "I was talking..." "Excuse me." "Have you seen Bette and Tina here tonight?" "No, they had a dinner party or something." "OK." "Thanks." "I'll check y'all later." " Bye, Kit." " OK." "Anyway, I, um..." "Yeah, that story... uh..." "I think they're interested in the chart thing." "The guys at the magazine looked pretty interested in it." "Something about the..." "Yeah, they liked the way I linked the editor to me in three moves." "Alice." " Alice!" " What?" "It's cool." "May I have a glass?" "Sure." "Let me see your ring." " Are you happy?" " Don't ask me that." "Oh." "Sorry." "I was admiring Jenny's ring." "Isn't it beautiful?" "It is beautiful." "Tim has great taste." "Yeah, he does." "I've... (sighs)" "I'm really s..." "I'm..." "I'm just really not used to the way this feels." "This ring." " (knock at door)" " Yes?" "Hi." " What are you doing?" " What are you talking about?" "I know it's not my place to judge you, Marina." "I don't know what's going on, but I think it's wrong." "I'm sorry you feel that way." "But I don't think I've done anything wrong." "First question." "If you only had one day left to live, how would you live it?" "Jenny." "Yes." "Oh, um..." "I would probably spend the whole day and night writing until I felt as though I had left something behind that I was proud of." "(Tim) You wouldn't spend it with me?" " Huh?" " (others laugh)" "I would be lying on a beach, sipping rum, and reading Borges." "I'd be with you, because Jenny would be off somewhere writing." " (Carol) OK, your turn." " I need to leave." "(Randy) Naked in Tahiti." "That's the way to do it." "Um, Bette has this throbbing headache and she has had it since this morning, so I'm gonna take her home." " Can I get you some Advil?" " I'm gonna put her to bed." "But thanks." "It was great." " It was nice meeting you." " You too." " Congratulations." " Thank you." "Have a good night, won't you?" " Bye, Bette." "I hope you feel better." " I'm sure I will." "Thanks." "(chatter quietly)" " What happened?" " Marina and Jenny." " What makes you so sure?" " I saw them." " They were getting close in the kitchen." " Maybe they were just talking." "It was probably a one-time thing." "Maybe Tim knows." "No." "They're making a fool of him." " Why are you being so judgmental?" " Why are you being so blasé?" " Aren't you making too much out of this?" " No." " It's not that big a deal." " Because Marina's a woman it doesn't count?" "Yeah, that's exactly what I think." "Those are great values to pass onto our kid, aren't they, Tina?" "You're pregnant?" "Jesus!" "And no one was gonna tell me?" " Hi, Kit." " I don't know." "We don't know yet." "Why do you always have to break in?" " I'm gonna go to bed." " I need to talk to both of you." " It's not a good time." " If I don't, I'm going to lose my nerve." " Don't what?" " Start making amends." " Is this the 12-step thing?" " Yeah." "And I, um..." "I have to or I won't get my licence back." "So it's a requirement?" "You don't mean it." "You're just going through the motions?" "I mean it, and I've done a lot of thinking about it." "I wrote a list that I wanted you to look at to see if there was anything I forgot." "(sighs) OK." "Bette, I have to do this." "I apologise for yelling at you when you were ten and you hid in the garage to listen to my band practise." "I apologise that I didn't turn up for your 12th birthday party after promising I would." "And I apologise for hiding my stash in your teddy bear and letting Daddy ream you even though he knew it was mine." "And I apologise for disappearing from your life for so many years." "(sighs)" "Come on, help me out here." "You know I mean it." "Bette, you know it's just not that easy for her." " Well, I guess I fucked that up." " No, you didn't." " It's not your fault." " (sighs)" "Hey!" "So did you hear from Subaru?" "Did you get it?" " I did." " Oh, that's fantastic!" " I knew you would." " Thanks." " They're lucky to have you." " Oh, thanks." "Well, um, good night." "Good night." "Just in case you were still wondering." "(pumping techno music)" "Well, hey." "I like your... boots." " Hi." " Hi." "Are you, um, with anyone?" "Um..." "No." " (loud clashing chord)" " Hey!" "I got something to say." "There's a menace in the house." "She's a user, and a fucker and she has probably fucked you and you... and you." "And there she is." "On the prowl, looking for another girl to fuck and leave." " So tell her no more." "She's a menace." " Um, I'm sorry." "Stop the menace." "Come on, stop the menace." "Stop the menace." "I think you're right to have such strong convictions." "It makes you who you are." "It sets you apart." "I love you for that." "I do." "(all laugh)" "C'était un plaisir de vous rencontrer." "J'espère vous revoir." "Yes!" " Thank you." " Sure." "Goodbye, Tim." " It was wonderful." " Thank you." " Jenny, you have a wonderful home." " Thank you." "Wow!" "Hey, just one question." " Who is in love with that woman?" " Count me in!" "I'm only human." "The woman has a charm that goes way beyond the fact that she's just stunning." "(Carol) Yes." "Jenny?" "Don't you have just a little crush on her?" "♪ Let's do it♪" " No." " ♪ Let's fall in love" "♪ In Spain, the best" "♪ Upper sets do it" "♪ Lithuanians and Letts do it" "♪ Let's do it" "♪ Let's fall in love" "♪ The Dutch in old Amsterdam" "♪ Do it" "♪ Not to mention the Finns" "♪ Folks" "♪ In Siam do it" "♪ Think of Siamese twins... ♪"