"I started out working in mortgage bonds, but I found that so limiting." "My friend Kramer and I were discussing that the other day." "He was with Brandt-Leland for a while." "Well, then my mentor suggested that I move into equities." "Best move I ever made." " Mentor?" "You mean your boss?" " No, no, no." "Cynthia's a successful businesswoman who's taken me under her wing." " So Cynthia's your mentor?" " And I'm her protégé." "You must have someone like that." "You know, who guides you in your career path." "Well, I like Gabe Kaplan." "I still don't understand this." "Abby has a mentor?" "Yes." "And the mentor advises the protégé." "Is there any money involved?" " No." " So, what's in it for the mentor?" "Respect, admiration, prestige." "Would the protégé pick up stuff for the mentor?" "I suppose if it was on the protégé's way to the mentor, they might." "Laundry?" "Dry cleaning?" "It's not a valet, it's a protégé." "All right." "Listen, I gotta get some reading done." "You mind if I do this here?" "I can't concentrate in my apartment." " "Risk management"?" " Yeah." "Steinbrenner wants everyone in the front office to give a lecture in their area of business expertise." "What makes them think you're a risk-management expert?" "I guess it's on my résumé." " Hello?" " Please hold for Elaine Benes." "You know what?" "I can't do this." "I can't read books anymore." "Books on tape have ruined me, Jerry." "I need that nice voice." "This book has my voice." "I hate my voice." " So get this book on tape." " You can't." "It's a textbook." "Hey, Jer, are you going to this Bob Sacamano party?" "Am I going?" "It was three nights ago." "What?" "You're kidding." "I just got this invitation today." "Oh, I was so excited." "It's really a beautiful invitation." "Oh, it was a lovely affair." "Oh, wait a minute." "This postmark is three weeks old." "Man, this happens all the time." "Janine, who the hell runs the mailroom?" " Eddie Sherman." " All right." "Send him up here." " You gonna do a little yelling?" " I'm gonna do a little firing." "That is so cool." "Can you put me on the speaker?" "Oh, yeah." "Sure." "Give me a break." "Hey, Copernicus." " Eddie Sherman is here." " Oh, great." "Send him in." " You wanted to see me?" " Eddie, yes." "I am so sorry, but I'm afraid we're gonna have to promote you." "So, what did you say?" "Well, I called him all the way up to my office so I had to tell him something important." "So I promoted him." " What?" "What did you...?" " Copywriter." "He's writing copy?" "Well, it can't be any worse than the pointless drivel we normally churn out." "Check it out." " "Jewish singles night"?" " I expect you both to be there." " I'm not Jewish." " Well, neither am I." " Well, why are you going?" " I'm not." "I'm running it." " What are you talking about?" " Lomez usually runs it but he's in the Everglades." " Lomez is Jewish?" " Oh, yeah, yeah." "Orthodox, Jerry." "Old school." "At the Knights of Columbus?" "Yeah." "Frank Costanza's getting me a room in his lodge." "Jerry, I'm really counting on you to come to this." " Kramer..." " Jerry, look." "I'm cooking all the food myself." ""A tempting schmeer of authentic Jewish delicacies."" "Do you like tsimmes?" "My mentor says the duck is outstanding here." "I'm not really a duck fan." "The skin seems sort of human." "Oh, look who's here." "Cynthia." " Hello, Abby." " Hello." "Jerry, this is Cynthia Pearlman, my mentor." " Hello." " Hi, Jerry." "Nice to finally meet you." "Join us." "We can pull up a chair." "Well, great." "My boyfriend's just parking the car." "Actually, Jerry, you might know him." "He's a comic too." " No kidding." " Kenny Bania." "Bania?" "Hey, Jerry." "How's it going?" "You gonna join us for dinner?" "The duck here is the best." "The best, Jerry." "Excuse me." "I'm sorry to bother you." "I noticed that you have a textbook on tape." "May I ask where you got that?" "Reading for the Blind." "They can get any book on tape." "I tell you, I am hooked on these books on tape." "Tell me about it." "These things have ruined me for Braille." "Reading for the Blind?" "I take an eye test, I flunk it." "Next thing you know I am swinging to the sweet sounds of risk management." " So I finally met the mentor." " What's she like?" "lmpressive?" "Oh, yeah." "She's dating Bania." " Bania?" " Yeah." "I had to spend two hours at dinner last night with that specimen." " What'd you have?" " Chicken." "How could she look up to a person who voluntarily spends time with Bania?" " Marsala?" " Piccata." "If anything, I should be dating a mentor and Bania should be setting pins at a bowling alley." " All right." "I got a test to fail." " Hey, good luck with that." "Thanks." "Dad." "What are you, in an athletic sweat suit?" "What are you doing here?" "Came to get his check for the banquet hall." "You know, I got 183 responses." "Oh, it's gonna be a rager." "Kramer, how are you gonna cook Jewish delicacies for 183 people?" "You're right." "That's a lot of pupiks." "Frank, you know anybody who can help me cook?" "Cook?" "No." "I don't know any cooks." "I don't know anything about cooking!" "What's the matter with him?" "My dad was a cook during the Korean War." "Something very bad happened." "Ever since, you can't get him near a kitchen." " Shell-shocked?" " Oh, yeah." "But that has nothing to do with it." "Good work, guys." "That ought to do it for today." " Alrighty?" " Wait." "You didn't ask me about my ideas." "Oh, Eddie, well, it's your first day." " I'm ready." " Okay." ""It's a hot night." "The mind races." "You think about your knife the only friend who hasn't betrayed you." "The only friend who won't be dead by sun-up." "Sleep tight, mates, in your quilted chambray nightshirts."" "What am I gonna do?" "He is a disaster." "Well, if he's doing that bad, maybe he's in line for another promotion." "You know what?" "You are exactly right." "That is what I should do." "I should promote him." "I'll give him another office on another floor, and he can sit there with his nice title and his bayonet and stop freaking me out." "Nothing at all." "Well, George, your vision is quite impaired." "If you'll just sign this insurance form." "Here's a pen." "You're a very handsome man, by the way." "What the hell is going on here?" "Look out!" " What are you doing?" " I got three kitchens going." "I got brisket going at Newman's, I got kugel working at Mrs. Zanfino's and this is kreplach." "Here, try some of this." " No, I don't want to." " Eat, eat, you're skin and bones." " Oh, this is awful." " Oh, Jerry, it's kreplach." "It's an acquired taste." "Yeah." "Did you follow the recipe?" "The recipe was for four to six." "I had to multiply it for 183 people." "I guess I got confused." "It tastes like dirt." "Well, I also dropped it on the way over." "Jerry, I'm in trouble." "I got no skills." "I can't peel, I can't chop, I can't grate, I can't mince." "I got no sense of flavour, obviously." "I gotta talk to Frank." " You can't..." " I gotta talk to him." "I know that he can help me..." "I think there's a dead animal in the elevator." "My stuffed cabbage." " So great dinner last night." " Yeah, it was all right." "I told Cynthia we'd double with her and Bania Saturday and then catch his act." " No." "No." " No way." "No Bania." " What?" "Have you seen his act?" "He's got a 12-minute bit about Ovaltine." "He's a pug, a patsy, a hack." "Cynthia would not date a hack." "Would." "Does." "Is." "Before we get started I am happy to tell you that Eddie Sherman is no longer writing for this catalogue." " It's about time." " He's upstairs." "I made him director of corporate development." "You promoted him?" "Well, no." "I would hardly..." " I bust my hump every day." " Relax." "As far as I'm concerned, you and your deranged protégé can run the catalogue by yourselves." "I quit!" " I'm with him." " Me too." "What?" "Hey." "Hey." "Hey!" "Chapter one." "In order to manage risk, we must first understand risk." "How do you spot risk?" "How do you av oid risk, and what mak es it so risky?" " This guy sounds like me." " To understand risk, we must first define risk." "Risk..." " This is horrible." "...existed virtually..." " Stop it." "Stop it." "Shut up!" "Come on, Frank, I need you." "I mean, the war was 50 years ago." "In my mind, there's a war still going on." "All right, what happened?" "What is it that you can't get over?" "Inchon, Korea, 1950." "I was the best cook Uncle Sam ever saw." "Slinging hash for the fighting 103rd." "As we marched north, our supply lines were getting thin." "Well, one day, a couple of GI's found a crate." "Inside was 600 pounds of prime Texas steer." "At least, it once was prime." "The use date was three weeks past." "But I was arrogant." "I was brash." "I thought if I used just the right spices cooked it long enough..." "What happened?" "I went too far." "I overseasoned it." "Men were keeling over all around me." "I can still hear the retching and screaming." "Frank!" "I sent 16 of my own men to the latrines that night." "They were just boys." "Frank, you were a boy too." "And it was war." "That was a crazy time for everyone." "Tell that to Bobby Colby." "All that kid wanted to do was go home." "Well, he went home, all right." "With a crater in his colon the size of a cutlet." "They had to sit him on a cork for the 18-hour flight home." "Frank, now listen to me." "Two hundred Jewish singles need you." "This is your chance to make it all right again." "No." "No." "I'll never cook again." "Never!" "Now get out of my house!" "Out." "Get out." "Go." "So you saw Bania's act." "He got two minutes into that Ovaltine thing and I just couldn't take it anymore." "I told you." "It's like getting beaten with a bag of oranges." "Why is he so obsessed with Ovaltine?" "He just thinks that anything that dissolves in milk is funny." "Anyway, Cynthia and I got into this big argument afterwards and I think it's over." " No more mentor?" " Looks that way." " At least you and I are okay again." "Actually, I was kind of thinking that maybe we shouldn't see each other for a while." "Why?" "Well, I'm feeling a little disoriented." "It's just weird for me not to have an advisor." "I can tell you what to do." " It's more than that." " I can tell you what to think." "I need someone I can trust." "I got a big problem here, Jerry." "The tapes are worthless." "Kind of in the middle of something here, George." " George." " I gotta run anyway." "I can't believe you feel you really need a mentor." "I just need someone who can give me some kind of direction." "I'll see you." "Yeah, see you." " So, what's your problem?" " No problem." "I think I got something here for the Bengalese galoshes." ""It's tough keeping your feet dry when you're kicking in a skull."" "You know, Eddie, that might be just a tad harsh." "For women's wear." "Well, I'm not married to it." "Well, in that case, why don't we take the phrase:" ""Kicking in a skull" and we tweak it." "You know, just a hair, to something like what?" "Like "strolling through a dewy meadow."" "Dewy meadow." "Here's your omelette." " It's dry." " That's the way I always make it." "Well, it sucks." "What did you say?" "Your meatloaf is mushy, your salmon croquettes are oily and your eggplant parmigiana is a disgrace to this house!" "Well, that's too bad, because I'm the only one who cooks around here." "Not anymore." "Give me that spatula." "I'm back, baby!" "You're sure, with your schedule, you'd have time for a protégé?" "I'll make time." "Because, Abby, I was once like you." "Wide-eyed, naive." "I didn't know the first thing about a subject as fundamental as risk management." "I'm not familiar with it." "You'll have to explain." "I'll tell you what." "Why don't you read this book and let's just see if you can explain it to me." " All right." " Okay." "Hey, Jerry." " Hey, Bania." " Did you hear what happened?" "The mentor saw my act." "She dumped me." "Oh, that's a tough one." "Maybe she's right." "Maybe I am a complete hack." "I'm the absolute worst." "The worst, Jerry." "Well, it's just that you got so many things with the milk." "You got that Bosco bit, you got your Nestlé's Quik bit." "By the time you get to Ovaltine..." "You think you can give me a hand with my material?" " You still need a cook?" " Oh, yeah." "Come on in, Frank." " You got T-Fal?" " Calphalon." " No." "Follow me." " Oh, yeah." "Try that." ""Why do they call it Ovaltine?" "The mug is round, the jar is round." "They should call it Roundtine."" "That's gold, Jerry." "Gold." "Let's just replace "hail of shrapnel" and "scar tissue" with "string of pearls" and "raspberry scones."" "George Costanza is your mentor?" "Yeah." "He's great." "I am learning so much." "About what?" "How to calculate 5 percent of a restaurant check?" "You know what your problem is?" "You just have no respect for the protégé-mentor relationship." "As a matter of fact, I happen to have a protégé of my own." " Who?" " A Mr. Kenneth Bania." "Bania?" "I'm gonna mentor this kid to the top." "Well, I don't think I wanna date a mentor whose protégé is a hack." "I don't think I wanna date a protégé whose mentor is a Costanza." "I don't know how but there's some chemistry between us." "We turned out one hell of a catalogue." "Cool." "Hey, Ed, let me ask you something." "What's with the fatigues and all the psychotic imagery, huh?" "I don't wanna talk about it." "Come on." "Don't be a baby." "I went out on a couple of dates with this woman." "I thought she really liked me." "And then things kind of cooled off." "That's it?" "Well, it's tough meeting somebody you like let alone somebody Jewish." "This food is fantastic." " Have you tried the hamantaschen?" " I can't get off the kishkes." " Hey, Jerry." " Bania." "I just stopped by to thank you." "That risk-management stuff you wrote for me is killer." "Risk management?" "It's gold, Jerry." "Gold." "I got all these corporate gigs, and even Cynthia took me back." "You went from the mailroom to director of corporate development in two days?" " That's right." " How much are they paying you?" "I'll double it." " These latkes are going like hotcakes." " Where's the powdered sugar?" "You know, you could take a break." "No breaks." "I feel reborn." "I'm like a phoenix rising from Arizona." "Quitting?" "I can't churn out that pointless drivel anymore." "What...?" "You can't quit." "You're all I've got." "I need you." "Gross." "No!" "No!" "Don't eat it." "It's no good." " No good." "No good." "No way." " Frank, stop it." " Stop..." " No." "No." "No." "Frank!" "Our next speaker is George Costanza on the subject of risk management." ""Ovaltine." "Have you ever had this stuff?" "Why do they call it Ovaltine?" "They should call it Roundtine." "You know what I'm talking about."" "He's my protégé." "You seen commercials for indigestion drugs?" "Pepcid AC." "Tagamet HB?" "Country's sick to their stomachs." "You know you're supposed to take these things before you get sick?" " What is this, a bit?" " No." " Because I'm not in the mood." " We're just talking." "Is this not the greatest marketing ploy ever?" "If you feel good, you're supposed to take one." "I know that tone." "This is a bit." "They've opened a whole new market." "Medication for the well." "All right." "Are you done with your little amusement?" "Then you admit it was amusing?" "It was okay." "But move the "medication for the well" to the front and hit the word "good" harder." "Great." "Thanks." "So your firm designed all the furniture in here?" "Well, we manufacture it." "The original designs are by Karl Farbman." "Oh, Farbman." " Do you know Farbman?" " Love Farbman." "Most people go their whole lives without sitting in a Farbman." "Well, if you call that living." "Wouldn't it be great if Farbman designed shoes?" "Brett?" "Don't you think that would be great?" "Brett?" "After the song, babe." "This song." "So when do I meet this jerk?" "He's not a jerk, Jer." "He only works with Karl Farbman." " Who?" " I don't know." "Some designer." "Anyway, Brett is so generous and sensitive." "Last night he was moved just listening to a song." " What song?" " "Desperado."" ""Desperado"?" "And you're still dating him?" "I'll tell you who sounds a little desperado." "See that salesman twirling that umbrella?" " I invented that." " That had to be invented?" "When I started out as a comedian, I sold umbrellas." "It was my idea to twirl it to attract customers." "Oh, really?" "Well, why don't we ask him about it?" " Elaine." " Excuse me." "Hey, how you doing?" "My friend here says that he invented that little twirl you're doing." "Elaine, please, it was a long time ago." "The man doesn't want a history lesson." "Teddy Padilac came up with this twirl." "I know Teddy Padilac." "I worked with him on 48th and Sixth." "That's where he come up with it." " In his dreams." " All right." "Can we go?" "By the way, you're doing it too fast." "You'll disorient the customers." "It's the twirling that dazzles the eye." "I find it disorienting." "Who buys an umbrella anyway?" "You can get them for free in the coffee shop in the metal cans." "Those belong to people." "Hey." "Well, this was downstairs for you." "Oh, no, not more checks." "They're coming in faster than I can sign them." " What checks?" " Oh, you didn't hear?" "Jerry's a big star in Japan." "Don't know why." "There's a clip of me in the credits of some Japanese comedy." "Yeah, The Super Terrific Happy Hour." "They run it all the time." "I'm starting to get these royalty checks." "Look at all of those." "You're rich." "No, each one is for like 12 cents." "It's barely worth the pain in my hand to sign them." "Jerry, you need any new furniture?" " Why?" " Elaine's new boyfriend, you know he's giving me this oversized chest of drawers." " It's a Farbman." " He's giving you furniture?" " Who is this guy?" " Who are any of her losers?" "You're on that list." "I gotta go home and open up the house for the carpet cleaners." "You know, they're doing my whole place for $25?" "Oh, no, no, no." "Not the Sunshine Carpet Cleaners?" " Yeah." "You heard of them?" " They're a crazy religious cult." "The carpet cleaning is just a means for them to get into your apartment." "So?" "For a $25 cleaning, I can listen to some pointless blather." "I do it." "I'm not even getting the cleaning." "I signed over 100 checks this morning." " Hello, $12." " Excuse me." "Would you take a picture, please." "Oh, yeah." "Sure." "I'm gonna ask this guy something." "Hey, nice twirl you got there." "You know who invented that, don't you?" " Hey, are you folks from Japan?" " Yes." "You recognize that mug?" "That's the funny face that greets you at the beginning of The Super Terrific Happy Hour." " Oh, Super Terrific!" " Yeah." "Yeah, huh?" "Yeah, that's him." "What is he doing?" "Well, I don't know, but something super-terrific, I'm sure." " That's funny." " Oh, yeah, very funny." "And it wouldn't be impolite to laugh at his antics." "Yeah, that's it." "Because everybody laughs at Jerry here in America." "We're pretty much finished." "There's just one more thing." "Here it comes." "You forgot to sign your check." "Sorry." "You sure there isn't anything else?" "No." "So that's it?" " Unless you need a receipt." " I wish that was all I needed." "Life can be so confusing." "I'm searching for answers anywhere." "Good luck with that." "Hey." " What's with the claw?" " Super-terrific carpal tunnel syndrome." " There's no sign of Kramer." " Oh, Brett." " This is Jerry." " Hi." "That's very funny." "Elaine told me you're some kind of comedian." "I'm one kind." "Have you seen the chest of drawers Brett gave to Kramer?" " Fleckman." "Right." " Farbman." " You gotta see them." "They're beautiful." " I'm sure they are." "I'd be happy to get you some, if that's what you're driving at." " No, I'm fine." "Thank you." " Don't worry." "It's no charge to you." "Looks like what you really need is a decent desk for writing your skits." "I don't write skits." "Of course you don't." "You don't have a proper workstation." "I'll fax over my catalogue." "Brett, Jerry doesn't have a fax machine." "I'm sure things will pick up for you soon." "Elaine, maybe we should get going." " Wanna join us?" " Where you going, the coffee shop?" "The coffee shop?" "I think we can do a little better than that." "You look like you could use a solid meal at a real restaurant." " You look like you could use a..." " Jerry." "Three hundred dollars." "Mr. Oh, how much would these run you in Tokyo?" "Those are 30,000 yen." "Thirty thousand?" "Well, these are practically free." "Giddy up." "You're a cowboy now." "I feel terrible about your friend Jerry." "He's upset that I gave Kramer that chest of drawers." "Why do you think he's upset?" "Well, how could he not be?" "Living in that cramped little apartment that outdated furniture, so terribly un-Karl-Farbman-like." "We're not gonna talk about Karl Farbman all night, are we?" "I hope not." "Brett, is everything all right?" "What is it?" "Is there someone outside?" "Elaine, the song." "For a minute, I thought it was that urban legend about the guy with the hook hanging on the..." "Elaine, could you just not talk for one minute?" "Sorry." " No spiel?" " Not a peep." "They just cleaned the carpets and left." "They call themselves a cult." "So you're angry that this bizarre carpet cabal made no attempt to abduct you?" "They could have at least tried." "Maybe they thought you looked too smart to be brainwashed." " Please." " Too dumb?" "Well, Mackie's back in town." "Nice duds." "Yeah, it's a gift from my Japanese friends." "They're known as gift-givers." "And tonight, we're going dancing at the Rainbow Room." "Sounds like you're throwing their money around." "Well, Jerry, they're Japanese." "I mean, that TV you watch, that sushi you eat even that kimono you wear where do you think all that money goes?" "That's right." "How'd you hook up with these guys?" "They recognized Jerry from The Super Terrific Happy Hour." "See, you should be doing your own show in Japan." "Now, they get you." "What kind of show am I gonna do in Japan?" "What did you do with that pilot you did?" "Yeah, the pilot." "Right." "That had marvellous production values." "I do a lot of business with Japanese TV." "They broadcast a lot of American baseball." "They got an office here in New York." "Forget it." "The pilot was awful." "It failed." "It failed here." "Because here every time you turn on a TV all you see is four morons sitting around an apartment whining about their dates." "See, George is right, Jerry." "See, here you're just another apple." "But in Japan, you're an exotic fruit, like an orange, which is rare there." "You had a date?" "You went out with my butler?" "Who said you could go out with my butler?" " Why do I need your permission?" " Because he's my butler." "So, what do you think?" "We're a bit confused." "Why was this man Jerry's butler?" "You see, the man who is the butler had gotten into a car accident with Jerry." "And because he didn't have any insurance the judge decreed that the man become Jerry's butler." "Is this customary in your legal system?" "No." "That's what makes it such a humorous situation." "I'm sorry." "I'm sure Mr. Seinfeld is very funny to Americans." "But I'm not sure this butler show would work in Japan." "Oh, I..." "I disagree." "You've..." "You've been living in America too long." "You've forgotten what it's like to have no oranges." "Sorry." "My hand is numb." "Yes, from endorsing checks for The Super Terrific Happy Hour." "You must go." "Well, I think I'm on the outs with Brett." "I got shushed during "Desperado."" "What does he listen to, the all "Desperado" station?" "He is just in his own world when he hears that song." "It's like I'm sitting there in the car, and he's out riding fences." "You know, what you need is a song you can share." "Yeah, you're right." "We need to find our song." "Okay." "So is there any song that you feel very strongly about?" "I like "Witchy Woman."" " "Witchy Woman"?" " You know, "Witchy Woman."" "Oh, "Witchy Woman."" " Hey, Elaine." " Hey." "Hey, how was the Rainbow Room?" "Well, we..." "We had to leave early." "There was a slight monetary discrepancy regarding the bill." " Listen, could I borrow some pillows?" " What for?" "Well, my Japanese friends are gonna stay with me." "I thought they all had suites at the Plaza." "Well, I'm sorry, Jerry." "We all don't have checks rolling in like you do." "Well, what about all that money from the kimonos I wear?" "Well, they ran out of it." "I mean, Manhattan can be quite pricey, even with 50,000 yen." "Fifty thousand yen?" "Isn't that only a few hundred dollars?" "Evidently." "Oh, by the way, tell Brett that his chest of drawers are a big hit." "My guests are very comfortable in them." "In them?" "You have them sleeping in drawers?" "Jerry, have you ever seen the business hotels in Tokyo?" "They sleep in tiny, stacked cubicles all the time." " They feel right at home." " This has international incident written all over it." " Oh, yeah, yeah." " Good night, Mr. Tanaka." " Good night." " Good night, Mr. Oh." " Good night." "Good night, Mr. Yamaguchi." " What is this?" " Rice Krispies." "East meets West, Jerry." "That's a lovely little bureau-and-breakfast you're running." "Well, I'm off to the bank." "Elaine, I..." "What do you think?" "What are you doing?" "That's "Witchy Woman." I thought it could be our song." ""Witchy Woman" is okay for you, but I've already got a song." "Oh, well, then how about "Desperado"?" "We can share it." "No." "It's mine." "Here you go." "Snap, crackle and pop." "Good morning, Mr. Oh." "I gotta make up the drawer." "Come back in half-hour." " Hey, I'll take one." " Well, look who's back." "Teddy, this is the guy says he invented the twirl." "Jerry Seinfeld." "Teddy Padilac, long time, no see." "What do you got in a push-button mini?" "Same thing we had when you bailed on us 15 years ago." "Bailed?" "Come on, you knew I wanted to be a comedian." "Besides, we had some good times." "Remember Tropical Storm Renee?" "Oh, yeah, sure." "But where were you during the poncho craze of '84?" "I almost lost my house." "Umbrella, buddy?" "Now we got that damn urban sombrero to contend with." "Easy, Clicky." "I hear you're taking credit for the twirl." "Oh, it's so many years ago." "Who cares?" "I care." "Clicky cares." " Look, could I just buy an umbrella?" " Yeah, sure." " Two hundred dollars." " What?" "Special price for a real foul-weather friend." "Hey, George." "All right, how about that tour, huh?" "These guys are ready to run the bases." "Kramer, it's..." "It's raining." "They got the tarp on the field." "Listen, George, what else can I do with these guys?" "Bear in mind, they're a little light on the yen." "Well, I..." "I got the pilot of the Jerry show." "That's perfect." "How would you guys like to watch the Super Terrific Happy star, Jerry Seinfeld?" "But we are also very hungry." "Oh, yeah, yeah." "Well, you guys just watch the tape and I'll get you some food." " Go ahead." "Yeah." " Please." "Hey, peanuts!" "George." "George, got a minute?" "George, did you call some carpet cleaners?" " Are they here?" " They're in my office right now." " They haven't said anything to you?" " About what?" "What kind of a snobby, stuck-up cult is this?" " Hey, Jerry." " Oh, hi, Brett." "Haven't you ever heard of an umbrella?" "I didn't have enough money." " Sure things will pick up for you." " No, it's not that." "It's..." "Oh, no." "Look at the checks." "Hours of hard work ruined." "Don't worry." "I can spot you the 12 cents." "No." "It's not the money." "It's my hand." "It's crippled from writing and writing." "Nothing's working for you, is it?" "Not at the moment, Brett." "I'd give you a ride, but I got Karl Farbman here." "Thanks for stopping." "Brett said you ran away from him as if he were the boogity man?" "Bogeyman." " Boogie?" " I'm quite sure." "Anyway, any luck getting together on a song?" "No." "He blew out my "Witchy Woman."" "And he won't share "Desperado."" "Hey, what do you think of "Oye Como Va"?" "Well, I'm running out of guys here in this city, Jer." "Hey, great news." "I showed the pilot to Kramer's Japanese friends." "They loved it!" "Really?" "They bought the butler character?" "Did I tell you that story's relatable?" "That was a great show." "That is why I'm bringing it back to NBC." " NBC?" " Nakahama Broadcast Corporation." "But they told us we must go now." "Yeah, but now I have my own market research." "Actual Japanese viewers that loved the show." " I'm gonna talk to Kramer." " Hey, George, do me a favour." "If they make you an offer, whatever it is, just take it." "Hey, by the way what'd you think of Miss Yoshimura?" " Who?" " The network executive." "Do you think she liked me?" "Hey, look at who's here!" "George, come on in." "Come on." " I want you to come in here." " Come on in, fat boy!" "Get a good night's sleep, all right, fellas?" "Big day tomorrow." "All right." "Last one." "Here you are." " Where's the boys?" " No, I let them sleep in." "I'm on my way to cash in their plane tickets for them." "They need a little food money." " The meeting starts in 10 minutes." " Well, I set their alarm." "But they did have a lot of sake in that hot tub." "I'm calling Jerry." " Yeah?" " Jerry!" "The Japanese guys had sake in the hot tub." "You gotta get them down here or I don't have a focus group to sell the pilot." "Uncle Leo?" "Jerry!" "All right, all right." "I'll wake them up." "Testy." "Hello?" " Mr. Jerry, open the drawer, please." " It's stuck." "The steam from the hot tub must have warped the wood." " Pull harder." " I'm trying." "I can't get a grip." "My hand's had kind of a bad week." "Very funny." "But no joking, please." "Don't worry, I'll get you out." "Brett, believe me, you don't have to do this." "Elaine, I know he'll appreciate this." "It's not as nice as Kramer's cabinets, but it's a start." "Well, I promise you, Jerry is not jealous of Kramer's cabinets." "Move to the back of the drawers!" "Jerry?" "Jerry." "Not the Farbman!" "So, gentlemen, we have a deal?" "Excuse me." "Did you hire the Sunshine Carpet Cleaners?" "Yes." "To clean up the coffee stain left by Jerry Seinfeld." "Mr..." "Mr. Wilhelm, what?" "What are you doing here?" "I'm here to clean the carpets." "Most of the world is carpeted, and one day, we will do the cleaning." "Him, you brainwashed?" "What's he got that I don't have?" "Mr. Wilhelm, you've been abducted." "Mr. Wilhelm, you gotta listen to me." "Wilhelm?" "My name is Tanya." "Brett, I'm..." "I'm really sorry." "I didn't mean to hit you in the head with an axe." "At least it was just a handle." "Those beautiful cabinets." "What am I gonna tell...?" " I can't remember his name." " Fleckman?" "Calm down, Brett." "Okay?" "You could have a concussion." "Calm down." " His pulse is fine." " Looks like a minor concussion." "Let me see what I can do to relieve the swelling." "Doctor?" "Doctor?" "Doctor?" "Doctor, I think we're losing him." "A dollar eighty-nine." "Why is this $1.89?" "Why is there no haggling in this country?" "We like to think we've progressed beyond a knife fight for a drink." "Not me." "Everything should be negotiable." " Restaurants too?" " Absolutely." "Are you telling me there is no room to move on pasta?" "All starches are a scam." "Yeah, especially ziti, with that big hole." "Excuse me." "How much is this?" " A dollar nineteen." " I'll give you a quarter." "Get the hell out of here." " Tell him 40 and no fork." " Thirty." "That's it." "You leave and never come back." "How about we leave and come back in a week?" "Deal." "All right." "See?" "We got something there." "Oh, check it out." "Kenny Rogers Roasters finally opened." "Hey, look at the size of that neon chicken on the roof." "Rogers can't sell chicken around here." "We got chicken places on every block." "He is The Gambler." "Well, I gotta meet Newman at the pet store." "I'm helping him pick out a turtle." " Try and stay calm." " Yeah, yeah, yeah." " Hey." "Jerry?" " Seth." "Wow, what has it been, like, five years?" " At least." " You want to grab lunch?" "I'm actually headed back to the office." "Seth, it's me." "What's more important than catching up with an old college buddy?" "Well, I am supposed to be in this meeting." "Blow it off." "Remember Poli-Sci?" "How many of those did we go to?" " All right, I guess I can go." " All right." "All right." " Hey, whatever happened to Moochy?" " He's dead." "Is that right?" "Still don't know how you can call lunch with me a business expense." " What do you think of the catalogue?" " Stinks." "There, we just talked business." "We have the down comforter and the cookware you liked." "Great." "Put it on the Peterman account with the other stuff." "You know what we have you might like?" "I'll take it." "Hey, you like?" "I think it looks very nice on you." "Really?" "Elaine?" " The Peterman account?" " Why not?" "And some hair for my little friend here." "So how's your stand-up career?" "Good." "As a matter of fact, I almost had my own show in Japan." " You speak Japanese?" " No." "So you would have done it in Japan, but in English?" "I don't know." "So, what's this job of yours?" "Big investment firm." "We just got the Citibank account." "In fact, today was our first big meeting with them." "The meeting you blew off?" "Yeah." "Wasn't that kind of important?" "Yeah." "And I bought a whole new set of cookware and a water pick." " You use a water pick?" " Sure." "Water pick floss, Plax, brush, Listerine." "So you go into the bathroom 11, you're in bed by what, 2?" "At the latest." "Oh, hang on a second." "I've got another call." " Hello?" " Good day, Miss Benes it's Roger Ipswich." "Oh, hey, how are things doing in accounting?" "Miss Benes, I notice you've been charging quite a bit of merchandise on the Peterman account." "Well, I am the president." "Yes, and we're all very impressed." "Nevertheless, the expense account is for business purposes only." "Well..." "Well, isn't the president allowed to do anything that they want?" "No." "I'll be in your office first thing tomorrow." "Good day." "Good day." "Hello?" "Anybody?" "Hey." "Hey." "Why didn't you get the big one?" "This hat just bottles in the heat." "I don't even need a coat." "It's unbelievable." " I don't believe it." " And I got a date with the saleswoman." "She got a little Marisa Tomei thing going on." "Too bad you've got a little George Costanza thing going on." "I'm going out with her tomorrow." "She had errands to run." "That's a date?" "What's the difference?" "You know the way I work." "I'm like a commercial jingle." "First, it's a little irritating." "You hear it a few times." "You hum it in the shower." "By the third date, it's "By Mennen."" "How you make sure you get to the third date?" "If there's any doubt, I do a leave-behind." "Keys, gloves, scarf." "I go back to her place to pick it up date number two." " That is so old." "Why don't you just show up at her house in a wooden horse?" "By Mennen" "What the...?" "What's going on in there?" " What?" " That light." "Oh, the red." "Yeah, it's the chicken roaster sign." "It's right across from my window." "Can't you shut the shades?" "They are shut." "By the way, your friend Seth, he stopped by." " Yeah?" "What'd he have to say?" " He was fired." "As you can see, the comforter I expensed is actually the Aristotle goose down tunic." " What do you think?" " Another bull's-eye." "Well, Mr. Ipswich, since every one of my expenses was obviously for a legitimate business purpose..." "I just need to see the sable hat you purchased yesterday." "The hat?" "Why do you need to see the hat?" "It cost $8000." "What?" "Seth, if you knew the meeting was so important, why did you go to lunch?" "We're old college buddies." "I only knew you through Moochy." "Hey, Jerry, don't worry about it, all right?" "The important thing is, is we got a chance to catch up." "Mind if I grab the want ads?" "Actually, I haven't read Tank McNamara yet." "How's life on the red planet?" "It's killing me." "I can't eat." "I can't sleep." "All I can see is that giant red sun in the shape of a chicken." "Well, did you go down to the Kenny Rogers and complain?" "Oh, they gave me the heave-ho." "I don't think that Kenny Rogers has any idea what's going on down there." "What are you doing?" " Getting some cereal." " That's tomato juice." "That looked like milk to me." "Jerry, my rods and cones are all screwed up." "All right, that's it." "I gotta move in with you, Jerry." "I don't know, Kramer." "My concern is that living together after a while we might start to get on each other's nerves a little." "Listen, I got an idea." "You're a heavy sleeper, right?" "Why don't we switch apartments?" "Or I could sleep in the park." "You can knock these walls down, make it an eight-room luxury suite." "Jerry, these are load bearing walls." "They're not gonna come down." "Yeah, that's no good." "I may have to drive that place out of business." " Well, how are you going to do that?" " Like we did in the '60s." "Taking it to the streets." " Thanks, George, but I got it from here." " Oh, no, I'm in already." "Come on." "So you wanna get together tomorrow?" "No, I'm gonna be pretty busy." " What about this weekend?" " I'm gonna be busy for a while." "Okay." "See you." "Hey, you forgot your keys." " Those aren't my keys." " Well, they're not mine." "They are my keys." "How weird." " Goodbye, George." " Yeah, bye." "George, bye." "Hello?" "You are not gonna believe the date I just had." "Costanza" "What do you mean, you don't have the hat?" "I left it at Heather's." "Are these alive?" "No, dead." "George, I need that Russian hat back." "All right, all right." "I'll call Heather." "You'll get your hat back." "I will get a second date." "Now, watch the magic." "Dial nine, Merlin." " Hello?" " Heather, hi, it's George Costanza." "Listen, I don't mean to bother you, but silly me I..." "I think I may have left my hat in your apartment, so I thought I'd just come by later and pick it up." " You didn't leave a hat here." "I'm pretty sure I left it behind the cushion of the chair, accidentally." "No hat." "George, I've gotta go." "You know what, maybe I'll just come..." "Hey, hey." " Seth?" " Jerry, hi." "What do you think?" "I think you're taking the trash out for this chicken place but that couldn't be." " Yeah, I'm the new manager." "But you were an executive." "This is fast food." "Not fast food." "Good food quickly." "Hey, next time lunch will be on me, huh, Jer?" "Hey!" "Stay away from the chicken!" "It's bad!" "Bad chicken!" "Mess you up!" "That's not going to be good for business." "That's not gonna be good for anybody." "I'm so glad we switched apartments." "It was the perfect solution." "Kramer, if I'm gonna live over there, you gotta take some of this stuff out." "I mean, this thing is really freaking me out." "I feel like it's gonna come to life in the middle of the night and kill me." "What, Mr. Marbles?" "He's harmless." "And one other thing, I don't want Newman using my..." "Oh, no." " Nice place you got here, Kramer." " Yeah." "A man could really get some thinking done." "Don't get too comfortable." "As soon as Seth gets a real job you two are going back in that chicken supernova." "What's that, Rogers chicken?" "Oh, get that out of here." "I don't know." "The man makes a pretty strong bird." "Yeah, but I'm boycotting." " What is that, hickory?" " Yeah." "It's the wood that makes it good." "Really?" "Stop it." "What's the matter with you?" " Can I help you?" " Hi, yeah, I'm Elaine Benes." "We met at Barney's." "I'm a friend of George Costanza's." "Hi." "Whether you're aware of it or not, George had this pathetic little plan to leave something behind so he could try and weasel a second date." " Really?" " I know." "He..." "He has a real confidence problem." " Well, not really..." " George." "I know you told him that you didn't have the hat because you didn't want to see him again, and more sympathetic I could not be but I really do need to have the hat back." "Look." "I don't know what to tell you, but there's no hat here." "I mean, maybe the maid took it." "I had people over but..." "Well, that makes sense." "Well, then you wouldn't mind if we took a second look around?" "Be my guest." "Good to see you again." "She's bluffing." "She's got it stashed away in there somewhere." "This is an absolute disaster." "Oh, I don't know." "Check this out." "You stole her clock?" "Well done." "Yep." "This is one for our side." "What is that creaking?" "It's lik e I'm in the hold of a ship." "I've gotta relax." "Hello?" "Is somebody there?" "Mr. Marbles?" "So I told Ipswich I'd have the hat by this afternoon." " What am I going to do?" " You should sleep with him." "Hi, buddy." "I'm on no sleep, no sleep." "You don't know what it's like." "Things are creaking and cracking and that red light is burning my brain." " You look a little stressed." " Oh, I'm stressed." "So, Kramer, what am I supposed to do?" "If I don't have that fur hat by 4:00 they're gonna take me down like Nixon." "You know my friend Bob Sacamano?" "I thought he was Kramer's friend." "He called last night about 3 a.m. and we got to talking." "He sells Russian hats down at Battery Park, 40 bucks." "Forty bucks?" "Are they sable?" "No, but the difference is negligible." "Oh, yeah, I like this idea." " All right." "Let's give it a shot." "Let's go." " Giddyup." " It's getting cold." "It's getting cold." " That was a close one." "Why do we keep this from Jerry?" "If Jerry finds out I'm hooked on Rogers chicken, I'm back with the red menace." "Miss Benes, the hat you charged to the company was sable." "This is nutria." "Well, that's a..." "It's a kind of sable." "No, it's a kind of rat." "That's a rat hat?" "And a poorly made one, even by rat hat standards." "I've no choice but to recommended your termination to the board of directors." "Nothing short of the approval of Peterman himself will save you this time." "But..." "But he's in the Burmese jungle." "And quite mad, too, from what I hear." "Wait a minute." "Wait a minute." "Can I fire you?" "No." " So Heather called?" " Yeah, but get this." "The message said, "Call me if you have the time."" "If I have the time?" "You got it?" "No, but this is all very exciting." "She knows that I have her clock." "I know that she has my hat." "I think she's getting ready to make an exchange." "Well, there is the possibility that you've gone right out of your mind." "I've looked at that." "It seems unlikely." "Well, I'd look again." "So how come you didn't call Jerry about all this?" "Jerry." "I can't talk to Jerry anymore." "Ever since he moved into that apartment he's too much like you." "That's a shame." "Seth, you're the manager." "Can't you turn off that sign?" "Jerry, I lied." "I'm just an assistant manager." "Number 67, family feast." "Number 67." "Right here." "Right here." " Hello, Newman." " Hello, Jerry." "And don't forget your steamed broccoli." "Hold it." "Broccoli?" "Newman, you wouldn't eat broccoli if it was deep fried in chocolate sauce." "I love broccoli." "It's good for you." "Really?" "Then maybe you'd like to have a piece." "Gladly." "Vile weed!" "It's for Kramer, isn't it?" "I knew it." "The greasy doorknob." "The licking of the fingers." " He's hooked on the chicken, isn't he?" " Yes!" "Yes, now, please someone, honey mustard." "Newman, what took you..." "Hey, buddy." " That was good." " Expecting Newman?" "That's funny, because I happened upon him down at the Kenny Rogers Roasters." "Kenny Rogers." "Oh, boy, I hate that place." "He was buying quite a load of chicken, almost enough for two people." " As long as one of them is not him." " Yeah." "Oh, hey, you know, Elaine, she stopped by." "Yeah, dropped off that Bob Sacamano hat." "Yeah, oh, she's upset with him." "Yes, sirree." "Yeah, well, thanks for stopping by." "I sure do miss my apartment." "Maybe I'll switch back." "You don't want to think about that." "Otherwise, I'd have no choice but to put that banner back up and run that Rogers right out of town." "I don't think you will." "Matter of fact I'll save you the trouble." "I'll do it myself." "Go ahead." "Put the banner up." "Doesn't matter to me." " All right." " No, Jerry." "I need that chicken!" "I've got to have that ch..." "Now, you leave those roasters alone!" "Kenny never hurt anybody!" " You got a little problem." " Oh, I got a big problem, Jerry!" "Here." "Kneel here." " What?" " Kneel." "Kneel?" "Okay." "Elaine." "Mr. Peterman." "You speak Burmese?" "No, Elaine, that was gibberish." "So did you have any trouble finding the place?" "No, you're the only white-poet-warlord in the neighbourhood." "Are you an assassin?" "I work for your mail order catalogue." "You're an errand girl sent by grocery clerks to collect a bill." "Well, actually, I do have a bill here." "If you could just sign this expense form I think I could still make the last fan boat out of here." "I'd be happy to, Elaine." "Here you go." "But I will have to see this hat." "Right." "So how do you want to do this?" "All right, George, I'll be honest." "The first time we went out, I found you very irritating." "But after seeing you a couple of times you sort of got stuck in my head." "Costanza" "So you really don't have my hat?" "What?" "Let's go do something." " What's in the bag?" " Oh, that's..." "That's a sandwich." "Damn salami." "My clock." " You stole it?" " That damn delicatessen." "That is the last time they screw up one of my orders." "Hey, Seth." "Man, it is coming down hard out there." "Oh, gross." "That's not gonna be good for business." "That's not gonna be good for anybody." "Kenny?" "Kenny?" "Kenny." "Kenny." "Kenny." "Home at last." "Is someone there?" "Mr. Marbles." "This is the urban sombrero." "I put it on the last catalogue cover." "The horror." "The horror." "Say me, you and Kramer are flying over the Andes." "Why are we flying over the Andes?" "We got a soccer game in Chile." "Anyway, the plane crashes." " Who are you gonna eat to survive?" " Kramer." " So fast?" "What about me?" " No." "Kramer's so stringy." "I'm plump, juicy." "Kramer's got more muscle, higher protein content." "It's better for you." " Well, I would eat you." " That's very nice, I guess." "Why wouldn't you eat me?" "I'm your best friend." "If other people are having some, I'll try you." "Thank you." " Can I have a piece of that?" " No." "George, I can't have sex." "With me, or in general?" "I went to the doctor today." "I have mono." "Nucleosis?" " I hope that's not a problem for you." " No, no." "So how long is this not gonna be a problem for me?" " Six weeks?" " Yeah, six weeks." "So what?" "You've gone six weeks before." "I can do six weeks standing on my head." "I'm like a sexual camel." "That's not the point." "At least there was the possibility." " You gonna break up with her?" " I don't know." " I don't wanna be one of those guys." " What guys?" "Like us." " So it's just mono." " Mono?" "Well, if anybody needs any medical advice Laney met a doctor, and he's unattached." "I thought the whole dream of dating a doctor was debunked?" "No, it's not debunk." "It's totally bunk." "Isn't bunk bad?" "Like, "that's a lot of bunk"?" "No, something is bunk, then you debunk it." " What?" " I think." "Lookit." "I'm dating a doctor, and I like it." "Let's just move on." " Hello." "Oh, hi, Katie." " Jerry." "Something came up for Tuesday at the Dayton Civic Centre." " That's Ohio, Jerry." " I've heard of Ohio, Katie but Tuesday's no good." "I'm doing Career Day at my junior high." "Okay, Jerry, that's fine." " All right." " Katie works for Jerry." " Yes, all right, Katie." "Thank you." "Yes." " Sorry for the late notice." " Bye." "Bye." " Okay, you're the..." " They asked you to do Career Day?" " Yeah, it's no big thing." "With due respect, I went there and I work for a World Series-winning team." "And you were integral." "Jerry, so nice of you to come down here." "I'm on next, right?" "Well, unfortunately, Mr. Amiry, from the Bronx Zoo..." " The guy with the lizard?" " Yes." "Well, he started feeding it crickets, and the children just love him and we're out of time." "So can you come back tomorrow?" "I'm getting bumped?" "You're bumping me from Career Day?" "So do most doctors like ER, or do you guys just think it's fake?" "I couldn't tell you." "You know, I'm not really a doctor." "Then I'm not really attracted you." "I'm serious, Elaine." "I went to med school but I still have to pass my licensing exam." "When do you take this exam?" "I've taken it three times." "I almost passed the last one." "But you're basically a doctor." "I mean, people do call you doctor?" " Well..." " Can I introduce you as doctor?" " Yeah." " All right." "That's all I wanted to know." "Mono." "It was fantastic." " We wound up talking all night." " You're enjoying the not enjoying." "You know, just by conversing, you can really learn a lot about a person." "I'm finding that out." " Hey, buddy." " Hey." "How was Career Day?" "I didn't get on." "The lizard guy went long." " You got bumped from Career Day?" " It was a mix-up, I'm sure." "Sounds like they're trying to screw with your head." "Now, why would a junior high school wanna screw with my head?" "Why does Radio Shack ask for your phone number when you buy batteries?" "I don't know." "Hey, hey." "Kramer, what are you doing?" " You can't smoke in here." " Oh, go on." " Hey, take it outside." " Come on, Larry." "You know me." "It bothers people, and it's against the law." "You can make all the laws you want." "He's still gonna bother people." " What, did they kick you out too?" " Yeah, they kicked us all out." "Thanks for coming back." "Graham cracker?" "No, let's just do it." "What?" "What is going on?" "What is that about?" "Fire drill." "Sorry." "Single file, everyone." " But I was promised a slot." " Single file, Jerry." "Fire drill." "You believe that?" " Who is Pericles?" " Pericles is correct." "Like fire in a school is such a big deal." " You got any matches?" " Middle drawer." "Who is Sir Arthur Conan Doyle?" "We were looking for Sir Arthur Conan Doyle." "Thanks." " Hello." "Oh, hi, Katie." " Jerry." "I heard what happened at the school." "They can't bump you." " That is so unprofessional." " Oh, relax, Katie." "It's not a problem." " What is Borax?" " Yes, you are right." "They bump you in junior high next, you're being bumped in high schools, colleges, trade schools." "Before you know it, Letterman won't return your calls." " You got an ashtray?" " I don't have any ashtrays." "Cereal bowls." "Jerry, don't freak out." "I'll tak e care of you." " Katie, don't..." " All right." "Thanks." "What is tungsten or wolfram?" "We were looking for:" "What is tungsten or wolfram?" "Is this a repeat?" "No, no, no." "Just lately I've been thinking a lot clearer." "Like this afternoon..." "What is chicken Kiev?" " I really enjoyed watching a documentary with Louise." "Louise." "That's what's doing it." "You're no longer preoccupied with sex, so your mind is able to focus." " You think?" " Yeah." "Let's say this is your brain." "Okay?" "Now, from what I know about you your brain consists of two parts." "The intellect, represented here and the part obsessed with sex." "Now, granted you have extracted an astonishing amount from this little scrap." "But with no-sex Louise, this previously useless lump is now functioning for the first time in its existence." "Oh, my God." "I just remembered where I left my retainer in second grade." "I'll see you later." " Hey, I need some more matches." " What is going on in there?" "I met some people smoking on the street so I invited them up to my apartment to smoke." " Why?" " Somebody had to." "Just because a person's a smoker doesn't mean he's not a human being." "It doesn't?" "These people aren't gonna let themselves be flicked into the ashbin of society." " Why not?" " Well, you can confine them." "You can punish them." "You can cram them into the corner but they're not going away, Jerry." " All right." " Yeah." "When they hand out those cadavers do you choose if it's a man or woman?" "I don't know." "Dead bodies really gross me out." " Oh, my God." " What's wrong?" "Oh, it's Sue Ellen Mischke, this old braless friend I hate." " Elaine?" "Hi." " Oh, hi, Sue Ellen, hi." "Oh, Rick, this is an old, old friend of mine." "Elaine Benes." "Rick is a periodontist." "He does Giuliani's gums." "Well, this is my boyfriend, Dr. Ben Galvant." " Oh, well, I'm an intern." " Hey, stop kidding, Ben." "He's a doctor." "He's a very good doctor." "Carlito's just passed out." "Can anyone help?" " Oh, there's a doctor right here." " No, there's not." "Can't you at least tell them what to do?" " Like what?" " Shouldn't he elevate his legs?" "Right." "Elevate your legs." "I hope Carlito feels better." " Ben really wishes he could've helped." " I thought he was a doctor." "Oh, he is." "You know, kind of." "I mean, I call him doctor." "George." "Of course, absolute zero." " What?" "What is with all these books?" " I stopped having sex." "All right." "I'll see you, Phil." "I've got room for two but the only thing I have is in the non-filter section." "Hey, hey, how you doing?" "What, you got a smokers' lounge in there?" "Oh, yeah, people really seem to be enjoying themselves." "You know, they come in once, it's like they're addicted." "Jerry." "Oh, there you are." "You didn't answer your phone." "I was out." "Jerry, great news." " I got you an assembly." " An assembly?" "Two hours in front of the entire junior high, grades six through eight." " That's sixth grade, seventh grade..." " I understand." "But what am I gonna talk about for two hours?" "And it is already in the school paper." "They cancelled Rick James." " "Super Freak"?" " Yes." "What is your answer to number 74?" " Metabolic acidosis." " No." "Hypokalemia." "Not metabolic acidosis." "Oh, man, I'm never gonna pass this thing." "Oh, yes, you are." "We'll just stop having sex." "You guys." "Hitting is not about muscle." "It's simple physics." "Calculate the velocity, V, in relation to the trajectory, T in which, G, gravity, of course, remains a constant." " It's not complicated." " Now, who are you again?" "George Costanza, assistant to the travelling secretary." "Are you the guy who put us in that Ramada in Milwaukee?" "You wanna talk about hotels, or you wanna win some ball games?" "Hey, we won the World Series." "In six games." "So if you like to tell jokes, and you love to make people laugh stand-up comedy may be the career for you." "Thank you." "Nine minutes." "How am I gonna fill two hours?" "Hello?" "I could take an hour off your hands." "Let the kids see a real, live Yankee." "And give you the chance to see some real disappointed kids." "Yes, I take your order, please?" "Excuse me, darling, do I...?" "Do I detect a Portuguese accent?" "No, don't mention it." " Portuguese?" " Yeah, my cleaning lady is Portuguese." "I must have picked it up." "How come he's getting so smart?" "I stopped having sex with Ben three days ago and I don't know no Portuguese." " Are you all right?" " I don't know." "I just..." "The last couple of days my mind has been kind of, you know not good." "Wait a second." "I know what's happening." "The no-sex thing is having the reverse affect on you." "What?" "What are you talking about?" "To a woman, sex is like the garbage man." "You take for granted that when you put some trash on the street a guy in a jumpsuit's gonna come along and pick it up." "But now, no sex, it's like a garbage strike." "The bags are piling up in your head." "The sidewalk is blocked." "Nothing's getting through." "You're stupid." " I don't understand." " Exactly." " Hey, buddy." " Hey." "Hey, you should come over." "Tonight's pipe night." " What happened to your face?" " What?" "It looks like an old catcher's mitt." "What?" "Look at that." "My face is all craggily." "It's crinkly." "It's from all that smoke." "You've experienced a lifetime of smoking in 72 hours." "What did you expect?" "Emphysema, birth defects, cancer, but not this." "Jerry, you know, my face is my livelihood." "Everything I have I owe to this face." "It's my allure, my twinkle, you know." "You know, and your teeth, your teeth are all brown." "Look away, I'm..." "I'm hideous." "Hey, Ben, I need a four-letter word." ""Winnie-the-" blank." " Pooh." " Poo." "No, it's Winnie-the-Pooh." "So the hospital called." "Turns out some stupid intern screwed up my test." "I never had mono." "So now we can, you know." "So, what did you do?" "I told her I would have to think about it." "But ultimately you're gonna choose in favour of sex, right?" "I don't know." "Perhaps I can better serve the world this way." "You mean, not subjecting women to your sexual advances?" "A simple joke from a simple man." "So you're never gonna have sex again?" "Well, Jerry there was a pretty good chance I was never gonna have sex again anyway." "You ready for the assembly and what you'll say about the Yankees?" "Sports are so pedestrian." "I prepared some science experiments that will illuminate the mind and dazzle the eye." "I wrote a 20-minute bit about how homework stinks." "Oh, my vacation was restful, resplendent, magnificent." "In fact, next time I'm planning on going to Corfu." "Oh, no." " We gotta talk." " No way, Kramer." "You brought me only misfortune and humiliation." "Now, get out." " But, Jackie." " I said, out." "Jackie, I think I got a case against the tobacco companies." " The who?" " The tobacco companies." "I've been wanting a piece of them for years." "Did that cigarette label mention any damage to your appearance?" " No, no, it didn't say anything." " So you were a victim and now your face is sallow, unattractive, disgusting." " So, Jackie, you think we got a case?" " Your face is my case." " Hey." " Hey, how are you doing?" "Not good." "I'm a moron." "Don't worry about it." "Once he passes the test, you'll have sex and you'll be fine." "Well, that kind of brings us to why I'm here." "You got 11 minutes?" "What for?" "Oh, come on." "I just wanna clear my head." "It has nothing to do with you." "I think it has something to do with me." "You could read the paper through the whole thing, if you want." "No, no, no." "I'm sorry." "This is too weird." "All right." "Is Kramer home?" "You know, Louise, I think you'll find this amusing." " In early Euclidean geometry they..." " George, I have to have sex." "I used to share that very same outlook but now I have so many things to occupy my mind." " For instance, the atom." " Goodbye, George." "I hate you." "Fascinating turn of events." "Ms. Wilkie, your tobacco company has turned this beautiful specimen into a horrible, twisted freak." "Who could love me?" "I disagree." "In fact, I feel Mr. Kramer projects a rugged masculinity." "Rugged?" "The man's a goblin." "He's only been exposed to smoke for four days." "By the time this case gets to trial, he'll be nothing more than a shrunken head." "All right, Mr. Chiles, you'll have our offer by tomorrow." " Good day, gentlemen." " Yeah, bye-bye." "Jackie." "Jackie, you did it." "We're rich." "You better believe it." "Jackie's cashing in on your wretched disfigurement." "Congratulations!" "You passed." "Elaine, Elaine, I don't think we should see each other anymore." "What?" "You're breaking me up with me?" "But I sacrificed and supported you while you struggled." "What about my dream of dating a doctor?" "I'm sorry, Elaine." "I always knew that after I became a doctor I would dump whoever I was with and find someone better." "That's the dream of becoming a doctor." "Lookit." "Are we gonna have sex or not?" "Jerry, when the glee club's finished singing, George goes on, then you." " Hey." " Where have you been?" "You're on next." "I got lost on the way over." "Got lost?" "We went to school here for three years." "What are these?" "Take me to your leader." "Oh, my God, you had sex." " You had sex with Louise." " No, the Portuguese waitress." "The Portuguese waitress?" "I calculated my odds of ever getting together with a Portuguese waitress." "Mathematically, I had to do it, Jerry." "George, George, you're on." " Oh, I'm not going on." " What did you come down here for?" "To tell you about the Portuguese waitress." "It's good to have you back." " One of you has to go on." " All right." "I'll do it." "Hey, kids, what's the deal with homework?" "You're not working on your home." "That was a great lunch, Jackie." "Thanks." "It's puzzling we haven't gotten that offer yet." "Well, Mrs. Wilkie from the tobacco company called me." "And we had a little powwow." "A powwow?" "Who told you to have a powwow?" "I didn't tell you to have a powwow." " She made an offer." "I took it." " How much?" " No, no, no." "There was no money." " No money?" "Then, what did we get?" "Check it out." "This is the most public yet of my many humiliations." "Cancelled?" "But I was supposed to be on tomorrow night." "Yeah, but then, some people were telling me about that little flap out there at the junior high school assembly." "And before that, you were bumped by a lizard?" "It was a..." "Actually, it was a monitor lizard." "Those things, deadly, dangerous." "A long time ago, my uncle and a date are driving, like, through Mexico." "They see one on the road." "Drags him out of the car and chews his face off." "Listen." "We'll call you if anything opens up." "Okay, Jimmy?" " Jerry." " Right." "Jerry." "Hey, you know what?" "It says "no food or drink." Can't take that in." " Just wait here." "I'll be right out." " Wait a second." "Come on." "I wanna go in." "I'm just running in." "Come on." "Come on." "You know what?" "They don't have batteries here." "Let's go." "Hey, Georgie's moving out." " Get out." " I'm out." "Fantastic apartment right across from mine." "I can't wait for you to see." " Is it better than mine?" " Oh, yeah." "So it's a two-bedroom-one-bath- make-your-friends-hate-you." "It's better than Elaine's." " Gotta give her a call." " She's out." " Right, the blind date." " Well, they like to call it a setup now." "I guess the blind people don't like being associated with all those losers." "Come on, come check out my new place." "I can't." "I'm meeting Kramer down at my Mini Storage." "Got any extra furniture there?" "I need some more stuff to fill that extra bedroom with a walk-in closet." "Oh, this is really annoying." "It's working already." "What is with that?" "Well, it's coughing, Jerry." "It expels the diseased germs out of the body into the air." " Where is your key?" " Yeah, well, Newman..." "He's got it." "You know, Kramer, I rented out half of my space to you." "Yeah, and I rented out half that space to Newman." "Mailbags?" "He's storing mail in here?" "Evidently." "Excuse me, George?" "No menus." "No, I'm Mrs. Ricardi, president of the tenants' association." "Oh, right." "Right." "Hey." "I love the floors in here." "It's like a gymnasium." " Try and guard me." "Come on." " No, no." "George, unfortunately, Clarence Eldridge, in 8C has decided that he wants the apartment." "Yeah, but you promised it to me." "Yes, but you see, Mr. Eldridge is an Andrea Doria survivor." "And in light of the terrible suffering that he's already been through we've decided to give it to him." "Well the Andrea Doria." "That was quite a fire." " Shipwreck." " I remember it." "Where is this guy?" "I hate this." "I should have brought something to read." ""Cancer in laboratory animals."" "Excuse me." "Elaine Benes?" " Yeah?" " An Alan Mercer called for you." "He said he's sorry, but he won't be able to make it tonight." "He's been stabbed." "Stabbed?" "More bread?" "You ate more bread?" "That is not the point." "The guy was stabbed." " You find out who stabbed him?" " Yeah." "It turns out it was his ex-girlfriend." "Well, you're not going near this hooligan anymore." "I don't know." "I mean, think about it, Jerry." "There must be something exciting about this guy if he can arouse that kind of passion." "I mean, to be stabworthy, you know?" "It's..." "It's kind of a compliment." "Yeah, too bad he didn't get shot." "He could have been the one." "Hey, how's everybody?" " Hey." " Hey." "There's no expiration date on this." "There is now." "You should get that cough checked out by a doctor." "No, no, no." "No doctors for me." "Bunch of lackeys and yes men all toeing the company line." "Plus they botched my vasectomy." " They botched it?" " I'm even more potent now." " Hey." " Hey, how's the new place?" "Gone." "The tenant association made me give it to this guy because he was an Andrea Doria survivor." "Andrea Doria?" "Is that the one they did the song about?" "Edmund Fitzgerald." "I love Edmund Fitzgerald's voice." "No, Gordon Lightfoot was the singer." "Edmund Fitzgerald was the ship." "You could fit 15 people in that bathroom." "I think Gordon Lightfoot was the boat." "Yeah, and it was rammed by the Cat Stevens." "The Andrea Doria collided with the Stockholm in dense fog 12 miles off the coast of Nantucket." " How do you know?" " It's in my book:" "Astonishing Tales of the Sea." "Fifty-one people died." "Fifty-one people?" "That's it?" "I thought it was like a thousand." "There were 1660 survivors." "That's no tragedy." "How many people you lose on a normal cruise, 30, 40?" "Can I look at that book?" "Oh, yeah." "I also got Astounding Bear Attacks." "Before you go, did you talk to Newman about getting that mail out?" "Oh, yeah." "No, he's not gonna do it." " Newman?" " I guess." "Listen, I want you to get the mail out of my storage unit." "Sometimes we don't get what we want." " What are you talking about?" " I didn't get my transfer." " Transfer?" " To Hawaii." "The most sought after postal route of them all." "The air is so dewy sweet, you don't even have to lick the stamps." "But it's not to be." "So I'm hanging it up." " You quit the post office?" " Kind of." "I'm still collecting checks, I'm just not delivering mail." "Well, get it out of my storage." "It's illegal." "And yet it's perfectly legal to take a man's soul and crush it out like a stale Pall Mall." "Well, the law's the law." "Hold on there, it's..." " It's a nasty cough you got there." " What cough?" "I love shrimp." "I'm a shrimp eater." "You put shrimp in front of me, and I'll eat it till my stomach pops." "No, it's okay." "I'm still just a little bit jumpy." "Between you and me what happened there, with the stabbing?" "Just one of those things, you know." "What, was she just so crazy in love with you she just couldn't take it anymore, or?" "I don't know." "Could be." " Alan?" " Carol?" "Was that the one?" "Was that the one who stabbed you?" "No, that was a different girl." "There was another crazed ex-girlfriend?" "Right." "So I called my friend..." "You know, the one who set us up?" "I found out he's a bad breaker-upper." " Bad how?" " You know when you break up how you say things you don't mean?" "He says things you don't mean but means them." " I follow." " What are you gonna do?" " Dump him." "I can't be with someone who doesn't break up nicely." "That's an important part of a relationship." "What's more important?" "Hey." " What's with the dog?" " This is Smuckers." "I borrowed him." "Yeah, we share the same affliction." "I'm gonna have a vet check us out." " A vet?" " I'll take a vet over an MD any day." "They gotta cure a lizard, a chicken, a pig, a frog, all on the same day." "So if I may jump ahead you're gonna take dog medicine?" "You bet we are." "How smart is that?" "See you." "Ahoy, Mr. Eldridge." "I understand you were on the Andrea Doria." "Yes, it was a terrifying ordeal." "I tell you, I hear people really stuff themselves on those cruise ships." "The buffet, that's the real ordeal, huh, Clarence?" "We had to abandon ship." "Well, all vacations have to end eventually." "The boat sank." "According to this, it took 10 hours." "It eased into the water like an old man into a nice warm bath." "No offence." "So, Clarence, how about abandoning this apartment and letting me shove off in it?" "Is that what this is about?" "I don't think I like you." "It's my apartment, Eldridge." "The Stockholm may not have sunk you, but I will." "What are the symptoms?" "Well, it hurts when he swallows especially when he drinks orange juice." "I mean, dog-food juice." "And what's worse, he has a nagging cough." "That's it." "That's it." "Yeah, well, we've been seeing a lot of this lately." "Been drinking from the toilet?" "What?" "No." "That's disgusting." "So that's it?" "We're breaking up?" "What?" "Breakup?" " We went out on one date." " Okay, yeah, sure, whatever you say." "All right." "Good, good." "Okay, then, well..." "So I'll see you around big head." " Pardon?" " You got a big head." "It's too big for your body." "That's it?" "That's the best you got?" "So he's keeping the apartment." "He doesn't deserve it, though." "If he did suffer, that was like 40 years ago." "What have you done for me lately?" "I've been suffering for the past 30 years up to and including yesterday." "If this board is impressed with suffering maybe you should tell them the astonishing tales of Costanza." " I should." " Your work in this field is unparalleled." "I could go bummer-to-bummer with anyone on the planet." "You're the man." " Jerry..." " I'll be with you in a moment." "So you want a protein shake or something?" "I guess I should get moving on this, huh?" " I'm gonna go." " All right." "Hello, Newman." " That mail, where is it?" " What's the difference?" "The guy with the Hawaii transfer got busted for hoarding Victoria's Secret catalogs." "I gotta deliver that mail." "Well, go ahead." "There's eight bags of it." "Blast." "There's no way I can handle eight in addition to my usual load of one." "I'll never get to Hawaii." "I'll be stuck in this apartment building forever." "The dream is dead." " You're giving up that easy?" " I usually do." " See you." " Wait a minute, Newman." "You can't let this dream die." "You moving away is my dream too." " What are you proposing?" " Whatever it takes for as long as it takes, wherever it takes me so long as it takes you away from me." " An alliance?" " An alliance." "Now get the hell out of here." "Hawaii?" "That's why you're helping Newman with the mail?" "Elaine, Newman is my sworn enemy and he lives down the hall from my home." "My home, Elaine." "Where I sleep, where I come to play with my toys." "Well, anyway, get this I spoke to Alan." "You know, I told him I didn't wanna see him anymore." "Called me big head." "Big head?" "It's almost a compliment." "It's one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me." " Hello?" "Hey, George." " Hey." " Yeah, listen, I can't make it later." " You can't make it?" "Yeah, the tenant association has decided to hear my side of the story so I gotta kind of get ready." "I'll see you." "All right." " Is he not gonna go?" " Doesn't look like it's gonna happen." " All right, well, I'll see you." " All right." "Kramer, aren't you taking any medication for that?" "Yeah." "Yeah, I got some pills." "They taste terrible." " Just swallow them." " Oh, my throat's too tender." " All right, sit down." " I don't want to." " Come on." "Just sit down." " No, Jerry." "What...?" " Lay down." " Why?" " Sit down." "Lean your head back." " Hey!" "Open your mouth." "Open your mouth." "Open it." "Open it." "What kind of pills are these anyway?" ""For Smuckers"?" ""May cause panting and loss of fur"?" "These are dog pills." "We had the same symptoms." "But he's a dog." "You need to see a real doctor." "No." "No doctors." "All right." "Where are you going?" "I'm taking the car." "I gotta run errands." "Wanna go?" "I don't know." "Come on, you wanna go for a ride, huh?" "Come on." "Come on." "Yeah." "Lady, could you move your head a little bit?" " What?" " Your head." "I can't see out the back." "Little more." "Little more." "Thank you." "I don't see any tissues back here." "Wait a minute." "This isn't the way to the park." "Where are we going?" "I recognize this block." "You're taking me to the doctor." "So, Mom, Dad I was hoping that you could help me to remember my childhood a little more clearly." "I feel a draft." "Let's change tables." "Get out of here." "We have a booth." "Frank, I'm cold." "Order a hot dish." "Why can't we sit over there?" " That's not a booth." " Who says we have to sit in a booth?" "I didn't take the subway to New York to sit at a table like that!" "Well, I didn't take a subway to be in a drafty restaurant!" "Mom..." "Now, George, what do you wanna know about your childhood?" "Actually, I think I'm pretty clear on it." "Where's that breeze coming from?" " Kramer, out of the car." "Out now." " No, Jerry." " All right." "That's it." "Come on." " No." "Jerry." "Hey." "Hey, get back over here." "Kramer." "Get over here." "You are bad." "Bad neighbour." "Kramer." "Just then a rescue ship emerged from the fog and saved us." "It was..." "It was the sweetest sight my eyes ever saw." "Thank you, Mr. Eldridge." "The tenant board will now hear Mr. Costanza's testimony." "How'd it go?" "Get it all delivered?" " What happened?" " Kramer bit me." " Bit you?" " We had an argument about me moving to Hawaii and he locked on to my ankle like it was a soup bone." "I'm hobbled." "I don't think I can do my route." "And they're awarding the transfer in two days." " Well, what if I delivered it?" " You?" " You can't deliver mail." " Why not?" "You're right." "It's just walking around and putting it in the boxes." " Well, what am I gonna wear?" " My uniform from my rookie year." "I can't believe I'm gonna be a mailman." "Here you go." "Merry Christmas." "Mail on Sunday?" "I was handcuffed to the bed in my underwear where I remained for..." "She certainly seemed interested in me." "Though she was attractive, she was also, in fact, a Nazi." "The water that I had been swimming in was very cold and when I dropped the towel there had been significant shrinkage." "My parents were looking at me." "So there I was with the marble rye hanging from the end of a fishing pole." "In closing, these stories have not been embellished because they need no embellishment." "They are simply, horrifyingly, the story of my life as a short, stocky, slow-witted bald man." "Thank you." "Oh, also my fiancée died from licking toxic envelopes that I picked out." "Thanks again." "Hey, I've been trying to jam stuff in the box like you told me but sometimes it says, "Photographs:" "Do not bend."" "Do not bend." "Just crease, crumple, cram." "You'll do fine." "Hello?" "This is he." "I don't understand." "Very well." "What?" "That was the vice president of the post office." "I didn't get the transfer." "They knew it wasn't me doing my route." "How did they know?" "Too many people got their mail." "Close to 80 percent." "Nobody from the post office has ever cracked the 50-percent barrier." "It's like the three-minute mile." " I tried my best." " Exactly." "You're a disgrace to the uniform." "You know, this is your coat." "Damn." "He flew right into your head like he couldn't avoid it." "Really?" "Never seen that before bird into a woman's head." "There's no contest." "The guy had nothing." "The ship went down, he got into a lifeboat." "Come on." "Boy, he didn't know what he was up against." "So when do you move into the apartment?" "They're making their decision today." " What's the matter with you?" " Nothing except that a bird ran into my giant freak head." "What giant freak head?" "The one that sits atop my disproportionately puny body." "I'm a walking candy apple." "So it's actually gotten to you?" "You're playing right into his hands." "What?" "Yeah, you're right." "All I have to do is call him up and sit down with him and show him that it doesn't bother me." "You know, laugh it off." "Or jam a fork into his forehead." " Either way." " All right." " I want to apologize for..." " Oh, please." " And I hope we can get past all this." " Past?" "We're way past." " So you have a big head." " So what?" "Goes well with the bump in your nose." "What?" "Please, get help." "There's a crazy, bigheaded woman beating some guy." "Tell the police it's the Old Mill Restaurant." "Hurry." "That's some cough you got." "He's trying to tell us something." " What is it?" "Trouble?" " Trouble." "Trouble where?" "Where's trouble?" "Old Mill." "Trouble at the Old Mill?" "Oh, my God." "Good boy." "Good boy." "Lead the way." "Come on." "Excuse me, what are you doing in there?" "I'm moving in." "Alan Mercer, new neighbour." "But, what...?" "Elaine's "big head" guy?" " They gave you the apartment?" " Yeah." "Why?" "Because you were stabbed and got coffee thrown in your face and..." "Oh, fork in the forehead." "That's why they gave you the apartment?" "No." "Just gave the super 50 bucks." "Wait a minute." "That is my apartment." "I earned it with 34 years of misery." "Tough luck, chinless." "What happened to you yesterday?" " I waited for you." "You never came." " Oh, I'm sorry." "I got really busy." " How long did you wait?" " Five minutes." " Five minutes?" "That's it?" " No difference." "You never showed up." "Well, I could have." "I mean, last week we waited for that friend of Kramer's for like 40 minutes." "We barely knew the guy." "The longer you know someone, the shorter you wait?" " That's the way it works." " When did you tell George to be here?" "I told him 10 minutes." "How long has it been?" " About five." " That's enough." "Yeah." "Early." "All right." "Cold." "So I noticed you bounced a cheque at the bodega." " How did you know about that?" " Marcelino." "He taped it up on his cash register with all of the other bad cheques." "He can't do that." "It's the only way you'll learn." "Oh, these eggs are disgusting." "Boy, this chicken should be ashamed of himself." " Fantastic day, fantastic." " What happened?" "Well, first, I'm brushing my teeth and this piece of apple skin that must have been lodged in there for days comes loose." " Fantastic." " Then I'm at the foundation..." " You're still doing that?" " Once in a while." "When you feel guilty." "No, occasionally I forget to let the machine pick up." "Anyway, they made this large donation to a women's prison and I get to go down there and check it out." " That's caged heat." " Yeah." " What are you gonna do there?" " Nothing." "Just stroll around the cellblocks, maybe take in a shower fight." "You got a bounced cheque hanging up in the market over on Columbus." " Yes, I know." "I know." "I noticed you chose the clowns-with-balloon cheque design." "It was a mistake." "The bank sent the wrong ones." "Hey, look who's here." "Hey, Kurt, this is Jerry and George and Kramer." " Hey." " Hey, Kurt, taste these eggs." "No, I only eat cage-free, farm-fresh." "Yes." "These are sweatshop eggs." "I gotta call the office, honey." "Will you order for me?" "I'm a honey." "He's pretty great, huh?" "Is he from the future?" "No, he just shaves his head." "I think it's pretty gutsy." "Sweetheart, let me tell you a little something about guts." "This is guts." "What?" "Clinging to some scraps?" "These are not scraps." "These are historic remains of a once-great society of hair." "Did you guys stop at the bodega today?" "Some moron bounced a clown cheque." "I'm sorry about the cheque, Marcelino." "People seem to like the clowns." "Look, let me just give you the 40, plus another 20 for your trouble." "Okay." " Are you gonna take the cheque down?" " Sorry, no." "Store policy." " But it's your bodega." " Even I am not above the policy." " And those are our tennis courts." " Tennis courts?" "What about the yard?" "Where do they have the gang fights?" "There's no fights here, Mr. Costanza." "This is a minimum-security facility." "What about a hole?" " Do you ever put anybody in the box?" " No." "This prison stinks." "And finally the library, which has been refurbished thanks to your generous donation." " This is Celia Morgan, our librarian." " Nice to meet you." " I'll be in my office if you need me." " Thanks, warden." "Betsy." "Betsy." "Are you the head of the foundation?" "Well, let's just say it wouldn't exist without me." "So you two shop at the same store?" "No, it's standard issue." "Oh, my God." "You're in jail?" "That is so cool." "You asked her out?" "Well, not out." "She's a prisoner." " How could you ask her out?" " Why not?" "You wouldn't date that girl from Queens because you didn't wanna cross the bridge." " It was different." " I'll say." "Jerry, I like being with her." "Plus, I know where she is all the time." "I have relatively no competition." "You know how you live in fear of the pop-in?" " The pop-in." " No pop-in no, "In the neighbourhood." No, "I saw your light was on."" "And the best part is, if things go really well..." " Conjugal visit?" " Don't jinx it." "Don't." " Hey." " Hey, what's up?" "George is dating a convict." " What's she in for?" " Embezzlement." "Sounds like a nice girl." "Is it all right if I put some stuff in your fridge?" "Mine's full." "Yeah, sure." "You don't even have a fridge, do you?" "Well, not here." " Okay." " Kramer..." "Wait a minute." "Wait." "What the hell is that?" "Well, it's chicken feed." "I sense something is afoot." "Yeah, I bought a chicken." "Allow me." "Why?" "Cage-free, farm-fresh eggs." "Allow me." " What are you?" "An idiot?" " No." "Hold it." "Hold it." "Here." "I got it." "Catch." "Hey, driver's license." "Oh, my God." " What?" " Your hair." "It's so thick and lustrous." "I mean, it was." "Well, it still is." "I shaved my head for my swim team." "I just liked the way it looked, so I kept it." "Are you saying that I could be dating this hair?" "I mean, with you under it?" "Hey." "Is that your chicken making all that noise?" "Oh, Jerry loves the morning." " Who?" " Little Jerry Seinfeld." " I named my chicken after you." " Thanks." "That's very sweet." "But that is not a chicken." "Of course it is." "I picked it out myself." "Well, you picked out a rooster." "Well, that would explain Little Jerry's poor egg production." " This was fun." " Yeah, I had a great time." "Five minutes, Mr. Costanza." "The whole hour just flew by." " I'll get that." " Thanks, Bobby." "Well, I guess I'll see you in four days." "Yeah." "Go out and have a ball with the guys." "I'll be waiting right here for you." "Of course you will." "You're the best." " Hello." " Jerry Leo told us he saw your bounced cheque." " Are you having money problems?" " I'm not having money problems." "Enough with the comedy." "You're very clever." "You should look into advertising." "He never even called Ed Roydlick." "They were looking for someone." "I'm not calling Ed Roydlick." "I'm doing fine." "That's it." "I'm gonna send you $50." "You are not sending me $50." "We're sending you $50." "Morty, get me an envelope." "I swear to God, if you send me $50, you are gonna be so sorry." " I don't see envelopes." " They're right in front of you." "Oh, for heaven's sakes." "Let me show you." "Ma, Ma, Ma!" " How are the folks?" " Good." " So movie tonight?" " I thought you were going with Celia." "I did." "I'm back." "I love this relationship." "I feel so liberated." "Having her in jail?" "Yeah, the only thing that bothers me is I'm just coming up with this now." "Yeah, dating a convicted felon." "I don't know how you missed it." "Here." "Take a look at that." "Kurt's an organ donor." "No, he's not bald." "Look, he's got a full head of hair." "So he just shaves his head for no reason?" "That's like using a wheelchair for the fun of it." "And he's growing it in just for me." "It's mine." "It's all mine." " It's just hair." " No, it's not just hair." "Look." " It's brown." " It's chestnut with auburn highlights." " So?" " You know, you're not around women." "You don't know how important a man's hair is." "I'm sorry, George, but it's true." "I knew it." "Hey." " Hey, Kramer, nice rooster." " Yeah." " What's his name?" " Well, this is Little Jerry Seinfeld." "Little Jerry Seinfeld." "Does he bounce cheques?" "Look, can't you take Jerry's cheque down?" "Sorry, Kramer, can't help." "Hey, hey, Jerry." "Come on." "Oh, sorry." " I like the way he handles himself." " Oh, yeah." " Oh, it's coming in already." " Yeah." "Wow, you have some very nice little seedlings here." " What?" " Well, it doesn't seem to be coming in so good over here or here." " What do you mean?" " Well, I don't know." "How long have you been shaving your head for?" "About three years." "Oh, my God." "I'm going bald." "George, I'm so glad to see you." "Hey, I brought you some cigarettes." "You buy yourself something nice." "Good news." "I'm up for parole." "Parole?" "That's dynamite." "Marcelino's taking down the cheque?" "Yeah, well, it comes down if Little Jerry Seinfeld wins the cockfight." "Great." "What?" "Well, Marcelino, he has cockfights in the back of his store." "Yeah, so he says if Little Jerry Seinfeld wins the cheque comes down." "Kramer, cockfighting is illegal." "Only in the United States." " It's inhumane." " Jerry, it's not what you think it is." "It's two roosters pecking at each other." " What?" " Yeah." "Well, I thought they wore gloves and helmets." "You know, like American Gladiators." "No, Kramer, Little Jerry could get hurt." "I left him with Marcelino." "My Little Jerry." "Hey, did you get Little Jerry?" "Is he okay?" "Oh, well, he's more than okay." "He won." " You let him fight?" " I couldn't get there in time." "But you should've seen Little Jerry, Jerry." "Flapping his wings and strutting his stuff." "He was pecking and weaving and bobbing and talking trash." "He didn't even have to touch him." "The other rooster ran out of the ring." "The whole fight lasted two seconds." " How long do they usually last?" " Five seconds." "Marcelino says he's taking your cheque down today." " Great." " Hey." " Celia is up for parole." " Hey, Little Jerry won his cockfight." " What?" " Who?" "I'm too tired." "Listen." "I want you to come by later, all right?" " We're having a victory party." " Okay." "It's over, Jerry." "She's getting out." "I'm so sorry." "She's been locked up for two years." "She's gonna want to make up for lost time." "Dinners, movies, talking." "In other words, a normal relationship." "That's no good." "I've tried it straight, Jerry." "We've all seen the results." "I think for me sick is the only way to go." "Well, she'll still be an ex-con." "It's not the same." "Hey, if you two were meant to be together I'm sure the cops will pick her up on something." "Kurt?" "What's with the sweats?" "Aren't we going out?" "I don't care." "You got a big stain on your shirt." "Oh, yeah, a meatball fell out of my sandwich." "You already ate?" "It's from yesterday." "Jerry, you missed a hell of a cockfight last night." "Then what is my cheque still doing up?" "We had a deal." " Now we have a new deal." " New deal?" "When Little Jerry Seinfeld is mine, the cheque will be yours." "This is outrageous." "Pack of Juicy Fruit." " Eighty-five cents." " Eighty-five cents?" "That is outrageous." "Marcelino wants us to sell him Little Jerry Seinfeld." "That's out of the question." "But cockfighting is an illegal and immoral activity." "Yeah, if you've got a loser." "But Little Jerry was born to cockfight." "No, no more cockfighting." "Let's just sell him to Marcelino and be done with it." " I think you're jealous." " Of what?" "Yeah, you see in Little Jerry Seinfeld the unlimited future you once had." "Now, just because Jerry Seinfeld is a has-been don't make Little Jerry Seinfeld a never-was." " Kramer, give me that rooster." " Never!" "You hate him because he's doing more with your name than you ever will!" "George, Celia has listed you as a character reference." "Whatever you can tell us would be helpful in her getting parole." "Well, anything I could do to help." "She's a wonderful girl." "Very smart, very crafty." "Does she have any plans after she's released?" "Plans." "Schemes." "She keeps talking about getting back together with her old friends." "You know, "the gang," she likes to call them." "Yeah, they're hatching something." "You can count on that." "Jerry, tomorrow night is fight night." "Where's my rooster?" " Kramer won't sell." " Tell you what I'm gonna do." "I'm gonna take down your cheque anyway." "Well, thank you, Marcelino." "Well, perhaps some day you will do me a favour." "And that day is today." "Little Jerry Seinfeld must go down in the third round of tomorrow's main event." " You want Little Jerry to take a dive?" " Not so loud." "First of all, I don't think you can make a rooster take a dive." " Can too." " Second of all Jerry Seinfeld, big or little doesn't go down for anyone, anywhere, at any time." "Now, I'd appreciate it if you'd please leave." "Big Jerry is making a big mistake, Jerry." "We'll see about that." "Kramer, I'm coming up." "We got a cockfight to win." "Okay." "Elaine said you would be the best person I could talk to." "Yeah, classic horseshoe pattern." " I've seen a lot of this." " Oh, God." "No, no, Kurt, wrong attitude." " You should be happy." " Why should I be happy?" "You've still got pretty good coverage." "Once the enemy advances beyond this perimeter then you won't be Kurt anymore." "What will I be?" " How long do I have?" " Fourteen months, maybe 10." " Is there anything I can do?" " Yes live, damn it." "Live every precious moment as if this was the last year of your life because in many ways it is." "Excuse me." "Celia, what are you doing here?" "Well, I didn't get my parole, so I busted out." "And you just decided to pop in?" " Kurt." " Elaine, will you marry me?" "Oh, yeah." "Oh, yeah." " He's looking good, huh, Jerry?" " Yeah." "All right." "I think that's enough for today." "Little Jerry is a lean, mean, pecking machine." " What are you doing with that?" " I'm just gonna heat this up." "Make a little hot tub for Little Jerry." "Hey, Kramer be careful." " Yeah." " Hey." " Hey, guess what." "Little Jerry ran from here to Newman's in under 30 seconds." " Is that good?" " I don't know." " Where have you been?" " Celia broke out of prison." "I'm at home, she shows up at the door." " Oh, my God, the break out pop-in." " Yeah." "And, Jerry, listen to this." "I've discovered something better than conjugal-visit sex." "Fugitive sex." " It's like every time..." " George." "This is a little too much." "Escape convicts, fugitive sex..." "I got a cockfight to focus on." "Hey, hey, Kurt, slow down." "I can't just marry you." "I mean, I need some fiancée time." "I need some make-my-girlfriends-jealous time." "Plus, you want to get to know me." "Yeah, yeah, that too." " Well, how much time?" " I don't know." "A year?" "No, no, no, it has to be now." "Could I see the ring again?" "So you're actually considering it?" "Well, it will be a couple of years before he's completely bald." "Those will be good times." "Marriage is a big step, Elaine." "Your life will totally change." "Jerry, it's 3:30 in the morning." "I'm at a cockfight." "What am I clinging to?" " Hey." " Hey." " Sorry I'm late." " Where's Celia?" "She didn't wanna come." "She's not really into sports." " Hey, how's he doing?" " Well, he's got a big sweat going." "Oh, this came for you Express Mail." "It's from your parents." " Hi." " Hi." ""Fifty dollars." I don't believe this." "There's Marcelino." "Look at the size of his bird." "That looks like a dog with a glove on his head." "Hi, is George back from the cockfight?" "I've got to thank him." "He changed my life." "Must've been a good fight." "He's not back." "Damn." "Sorry to bother you, Mr. Costanza." "Well, well, well, look who's here." "Oh, man." "Mr. Costanza, you're under arrest for aiding and abetting a known fugitive." " I'm not George Costanza." " Save it." "We know you're bald." "We know it's you." "Let's go." "Okay." "I got the whole scoop." "Marcelino flew the bird in from Ecuador." " He's 68-0." " He's a ringer." "Where's the tamale guy?" "Little Jerry's gonna get his clock cleaned." "I've gotta get him out of there." "Little Jerry!" "Kramer!" "Stop the fight!" "Tamale!" "Why did you get into a fistfight with the cop?" " You were innocent." " They thought I was George." "I'm not that bald." "And I have too little time left to take that crap, so I slugged him." "How long are you gonna be in here for?" "Well, my lawyer says 14 months, but with good behaviour maybe 10." " So 10 to 14 months?" " Yeah."