"Season 3 Episode 1" " Doing The Backstroke " "Previously on Weeds" "Our stash is worth about 300 G, but the market is making a bull one so, we sit on a half a million easy." "I'm having an affair with the dawg." "Doug Wilson?" "Wife fucker." "It's my kid's graduation, I can't do this." "You have failed us all!" "There's some fucking lowlife stole two of them already." " The cameras?" " And the "drug free zone" signs, and the sasquatch costume." "Son of a bitch." " Hi Kat." " Hi." "Abum Chuck, he's just this bounty hunter." "I did something illegal." " It's now or never, come with me." " I'm not coming with you." " Thanks for keeping me company." " Where are we going?" " Where do you wanna go?" " Pittsburgh!" " Step out Geronimo!" " You watch that shit man." "You've been ... fucking him the whole time you were married to me?" "It's just business between us." "It always has been." "Take your last harvest, make a quick deal and then handle all the cash over to me." "Why are you doing this?" "Because I let everything at line for you, and you fucked me." "I'm looking to sell about 30 pounds of sexy mom." " Are you in?" " Yeah, I'll take it." "What the fuck?" "Give us the drugs and we'll let you live." "Kachichian says goodbye." " Where's the money?" " Ain't no money fool!" " Wait ..." " Where is my money?" " I kill agent asshole, you pay us." " He's dead?" "Ain't no money cuz they decided to jack us." "We kill each other then nobody gets nothing!" " He's dead?" " YES!" "Open the fucking safe!" "Sorry there's a lot of..." "data flying around." "Oh not today." "Hi Nancy!" "Did you take something that doesn't belong to you?" "I want in." " That's him." " Shit ..." "Bitch you're about to die." "Hey, I don't know about this, I mean..." "God knows what they've done with the inside, it might upset you, your mother kept that place so clean." "It's used to be all flowers, and nice lawns..." " Can we go to CityWalk now?" " ... nice families..." " And now, look at this." " I got to go pee." " Oh, she's gotta go pee." " I'm gonna pee in my pants." "You hold it!" "There it is." "Well, I'm gonna ask her if she can pee in the house." "Hello?" " Can hold it!" " Ally." "Ally!" "Oh look, they haven't changed the wallpaper." "Hello?" "I'm Dawn Tremigliosi." "I used to live here where I was a little girl, hello?" "We're visiting, from Scottsdale." "Mommy?" "!" "I think she had an accident." " Sorry about this, we were just, uh..." " You used to live here?" "My wife did." "Dawn Tremigliosi, from Scottsdale." "Yeah, I got a cousin in Scottsdale." " Oh, really?" " Yeah." "You know a dude named Cold Blood?" "About 6.5, 320, big scar across his throat," "Maybe I can hook you up." "You can go get nachos together." "You know, hon', it's uh... too bad." "No one was home when we went to your old place and we just had to... drive away without going in at all." "What?" "Oh, right, we..." " We went straight to CityWalk." " They got bowling at CityWalk." "And that's what we're doing..." "Right now." "We're bowling, okay?" "I got kids here." "Y'all going to hit that reset button." "Let's go, let's go." "Go, go, go, go, go, now, quick, move, c'mon!" " Bye!" " Bye." "Can we all talk without the guns, please?" " My arms are getting tired." " So, rest in, by all means." "Marvin, if you put that gun down," "I swear I shoot you myself, fat fuck." "Can I just make one more call, in the service of finding our pot?" "Our pot!" "Fuck you!" "Hold off!" "Let's all just chill, alright?" "If she doesn't find the pot, ain't nobody gettin' shit!" "Well, that's not true." "You'll be getting the bullets." "Nancy, make your call." "Shit." "I can't get a signal." "That's the little fucker who stole my cameras." "Arrest him!" "I didn't do anything." "I have you on tape." "Like, I wouldn't make copies?" "I didn't do shit!" " A lot of people look like me." " What are you waiting for?" "Search his car, hit him with your flashlight." " Do what you people do." " I did it." " See?" " I stole her cameras," " they are at my house, let's just go." " Let's take him in." "Ma'am, ma'am," "I can't give you a ride, with a suspect in the back of the vehicle." " It's policy." " So, what am I supposed to do?" "Hike home?" "I'm in heels, here." "I'm sorry Ma'am, I'm just doing what we do." "Cute, right." "Well, what's happening with his car?" "Yeah, hey, can I..." "Let me just lock it up really quick." "I'll have my mum come and get it later." "No, I'll have to call the impound." "This is a restricted parking area." "Okay, this is ridiculous." "Silas, give me your keys." " I will drive your car home." " Absolutely not, no way." "It's over 400 bucks to get your vehicle out of the impound." "Now, give her the keys." "It's my car." " Hey, what the hell, you can't do that." " Oh, yes he can." "Because, you... have no rights." "Teething little shit." "Son, get in the back of my vehicle, right now, let's go, come on." "Son, let's go." "Come on." "I'm just trying to find some power bars , okay?" "Power bars, that can be right." "What do you call these?" "Bars of reception?" "On my phone, I call this little pyramid." "Kinda like your dick." "Hey man, that's not cool." "We don't even know these people." "Oh, bars, bars, bars, got it." "Here we go." "Please, don't shoot me." "Hi, Nancy." "Surprise, it's me, Celia." "Celia, I didn't..." "I didn't call you." "No, you meant to call Silas, but, you know, he's not here right now." "I had him arrested, and he admitted taking my cameras." "You can probably reach him at the Agrestic police station, if they're letting him take calls." "And you know, Nanc', you're gonna have to reimburse me for gasoline, because your irresponsible adolescent has left me with an empty tank, hello?" " We gotta go." " Like hell." "Hello, Nancy?" "Rude." "As usual." "Where is the fucking gas pop up thing?" "Fuck it." "Where're we going?" "I know where the pot is, and if you let us go get it, we'll bring it right back, I swear." "Guns on me." " I'm staying." " What?" "Because you wouldn't know that we're coming back, I got it." " Okay, Bassa will go with you." " Marvin, you're up." "Gone." "If you are not back with the brackley by dark," "I'm shootin your boy here..." "in the nuts." "And I will shoot him in the kneecap and the elbow." "And so on, so you'd better get movin'." "I forgot my purse, sorry." "I'll be back soon, oh no, no shooting, okay." "He's 12, brown hair, brown eyes, he's weraing a beige suit, blue shirt." "If you find him, could you just call me?" "We had to sedate his mother." "Yes, yes, very upsetting." "You have my cell number?" "Thank you, thank you, bye." "I'm telling you, man!" "After a lifetime of sardines and blobber, fast-food burrito, ain't gonna be kind to you." "You call the fucking cops, do you?" "He's my nephew, I called in an AMBER alert." "If the police find him first, and you fucked up my bounty," "I'm wiping my ass with you." "Hey this is the truck version of set me drift on a nice flower?" "Shane, this is Bear." "We met over there by the candy machine." "and he showed me that the lift of mini mint paddies was loose, look." "That's yummy." "So, listen little guy." "I am going to hit the ride to South America with Bear." "But, I'm gonna leave you the van, so you can go... home, or Pittsburgh, or wherever you wanna go, okay?" " I'm 12" " I was driving at 8." "Don't make him feel bad, Bear." "Okay, after you finished your sandwich, go to the big parking lot, out back there." "And practice driving around a little bit, until you feel confortable," "I'm sure you'll get that thing very quickly." "Can you show me how?" "I'm sorry, kid, I'm on a tight schedule." "Yeah, he's on a really tight schedule, and... you know, he's done me a favour, so... when he says "go", I gotta go." "And I said "go" half an hour ago, so chop-chop tempus fugees." "Oh my God, you speak greek, how cute is that!" "It's latin, and the actual quotation is :" ""Fugit irreparabile tempus", which means irretrapable time is flying." "Fuck me with the dictionary, kid." "Get beat up much." "Okay, honey, honey." "Sit down." "I know this must be rough, but I think that you can use this as an opportunity to explore, and to grow, and to learn, you should always keep an up to date passport on your person at all times." "So, here the keys of the thing, here's about $13 in change that I liberated from the tampon machine in the ladies room." "I want you to have it, have amazing adventure, Shane." "We'll meet again, I'll be older, but I'll still be hot." "And you'll be older, and you'll still be the same, smart, wise, gentle soul you are now, but you'll be taller." "And I think that you're gonna do some really interesting things with your facial hair." "I just see it." "Okay sweetie?" "Heart hug, heart hug." "Okay?" "Be well." "I think you're amazing." "Bye." "This is a fucking police station!" "I told you there's a guy in there who knows where the pot is," "I'm just gonna go talk to him and leave, okay?" "And who is this guy?" "He a cop or something?" "No he's a criminal, just like us, it's gonna be fine." "You put any shit up in there, we kill you and we kill your boy Conrad, dig?" "Fully digging, completely dug." "Ok, you and Conrad are like "together together" or just like what?" "We are business partners, can I go in now?" "You ain't done nothing?" "Come on, two fine looking people, all hormones and shit, working side by side." "Okay fine, we kissed once." "But I don't know we never really talked about it, now it's kinda weird there's this whole thing happening with you guys, so it's not... a great time for us to price our feelings." " So, no booty, huh?" " No, not really." " What do you mean by "Hah"?" " As in I bet U-Turn and I win." "I know that pretty nigger never got to be in your business." " How do you know?" " You just told me." "I know that, how did you know before?" " I just knew." " How?" " I just did." " How?" "I've gotta go." "This discussion is not over." "Yeah it is, cuz I know this type of things," "I'm like a deep dicker psychic." "Leave the keys so we can listen to the radio." "Congratulations Agrestic elementary class of 2006" "Jesus Christ, what do you want from me now?" "I can't believe you told Dana, how could you tell Dana?" "You fuck up my marriage, I fuck up yours, even." "Even my ass, I love Dana." "Then, what were you doing inside my wife?" "Your wife's enticing snatch has nothing to do with my deep and abiding love for my wife." "So give me your car keys, I'm going after my woman." "I drive a motorcycle." "I'm not giving you a God damn thing you asshole." "I was married to Celia for 17 fucking years, and you walked in and fucked everything up, litterally." "I only wish I'd fucked your wife before I told her you cheated." "Dana would never fuck you." "Oh really, how do you know?" "She won't fuck anyone, something about a short cervix and how she might be a lesbian." "You have four kids whose name could have been Tequila Shots," "Knocking Her While She Was Sleeping, Doing It For a Lexus and Turkey Pasture." "But she gets me, she thinks I'm funny, she buys my underwear, she puts new blades on my razors, she makes these amazing lamp shots and you told." "The only thing that Dana hates more than sex is public embarrassment, she is never gonna forgive me." "Homebraking fuck!" "My marriage is over." "Yeah?" "Well welcome to the club." " Oh shit, I'm bleeding." " Good." "Jesus and Christ." "You know, I dropped you on your head once." "You were about 15 months old, we were playing this game where you'd climb up my legs and I'd flip you over and you'd land back on your feet, but this one time, you kept climbing up my body and you wouldn't flip," "and I'm holding your hands and your little feeters feeling out my body and under my shoulders and I'm saying "Silas, stop"." "But you were laughing, you were completely upside down, your hurtsome shoe goes "wham", right into my eye," "I let go, with you head first" "into the hard wood." "If Celia hadn't shown up, we'd be in business right now." "How did you even get into the safe?" "The combination was your maiden name, you think that was turkey?" "You know what?" "I can't do this right now." "I need to get my hands on what you took, and give it back to some people who'd do some very bad things if I don't." "Am I being clear?" " What bad things?" " Silas!" "Where is the p..." "where is the dry-cleaning?" "I need every last bag of clothing or my boss is going to kill me, just shoot me dead." "You got that?" "Dead!" "Where is it?" "It's all in the trunk of my car." " Your car?" " Yes." "Would that be the car Celia's driving" " That would be it." " Jesus Christ." "The cop took my keys and gave them to her," "I couldn't do anything." "Can't your husband help you out of this?" "Mom?" "Mom!" "I gotta go." " Are you taking me with you?" " What?" "No, at least if you're here, I know where you are." "Amber alert Shane Botwin" " Hello Andy?" " Hey Nanc', how is it going?" "Yeah, yeah, of course I got Shane," "I think we gonna stay outing for a while, is that cool?" "Yeah?" "Great!" "Don't worry about thing, and he's having a blast, don't be such a motherhen, okay, we'll see you later, okay, bye." "I've seen her, she stole mint paddies, are you gonna pay for those?" "The kid, was there a kid with her, that height, beige suit?" "Sure, the kid was here, he had a girl cheese special and paid all in quarters." "He left a decent tip, tough." "How long ago did the girl leave?" "I don't know, about two hours, she left with Bear." " Huh?" "What does that mean?" " Bear, he's a trucker." "And the kid was with them, with the girl and Bear?" "They left and then the kid drove a blue van around the parking lot for an hour before taking off." "He's a little young to be driving if you ask me but... all the preservatives people eat nowadays make them look younger so..." " who knows?" " Oh man, common', we gotta jam." "What kinda ride does Bear drives?" "Blue, like a cyrillian blue, but with sparkle in it, you sent me these same mud flaps." "I know it's a clich?" "but..." "I think he's being ironic." "Holy Ned, you're a giant redwood." "Move, redwood!" "I'm not redwood." "I'm not Yeti man," "Master Mohawk, Chief Wiggum," "Eskimo Pie, Grapewine North or Orchidean Redskin, and I'm not your Snow Nigger, your rude piece of shit," "I'm fucking through with you." "Common', I called you Snow Niggah, with an "A", geew Nanouk, you're so sensitive." "You don't even know if the bitch's coming back," "I got a hundred G's cash out the door," "I'm offering you a great deal here, take it." "That's not a great deal." "Shut your mouth , or I piss in it." "That's just bad hygiene." " Where were you raised?" " Where were you raised?" "Uni brow stink y'all pink suit wearing motherfucker?" "Fifty percents on the dollar, final offer, take it." "What?" "What do you think?" "It's kind of a fucked-up deal, but at least is something." " Is that a "yes"?" " No." "Fine, fine, yes, I'll take it." " Wise choice." " Shit." "Celia, it's Nancy." "I'd really like to get silas' car back." "Please, call me." "It stinks in here." "I shouldn't have let him smoke in my car." "No more smoking in this car." "No more "puf-puf" with the tabacco stick." "You're rude, you know that?" "You gonna have cancer." "I thought these things were supposed to get great gas mileage and shit." "They do." "Just haven't filled the tank for 2 weeks." "2 weeks is pretty good." "Armenian guy." "That was weird." "Get away from the car!" "Get the fuck away from the car!" "Marvin, what are we doing?" "I was thinking that the car was gonna blow up." "Those Armenians, they like to blow the shit up, you know?" "Really?" "Actually, I don't, he's the first one I met, but..." "I see a real shift here." "Hello?" "Okay, and he never tapped it." "You owe me a flat screen, motherfucker." "Oh yes, you do!" "Okay." "Bye." "We can get back in the car, now." "Who was that?" "U-Turn." "What'd he say?" "You were traded." "I was what?" "He said he bought your deal off to Armenians." "Your ass and your grass is all his now." "And he said, as we don't come back with the pot soon," "I gotta shoot you in the head." "So let's really focus on finding it, okay ?" "You got a really nice hair." "Thanks." "How much do I love the overmedicated." "I can feel my pores tightening." " Check this out." " Tylanol, with codeine." "Me, me..." "Hey man, look." "I'm so sorry I fucked your wife with my giant cock." "I'm so not frightened by you." "I have to be hung like a beer can, and I'm talking Guiness tap." "Please, you're like one of those mini bottles of Crystal Geiser." "Fuck you, I've seen you in the steam, I got you by a good inch." "You care to make it interesting?" "How much?" "Your share of the Boo-yah when Nancy sells the crop." " That's a lot of cash." " Yeah?" "I've got a lot of dick." "You're wrong, bitch." " You're a big talker" " Oh yeah?" "Well I'll talk." " Winner and still champion." " Yeah, only in length." "That's what counts, moron, circonference doesn't factor in a size war." "Flesh doesn't count either, I'm a grower, not a shower." "Wanna measure hard?" "Yeah, you're not gonna have my share without a fair fight." " Fine." " Alright." "Come on." "Occupied!" " We took too many drugs." " Yes, yes, we did." "Los Angeles" "We're having a great time, we're at the dump." "Yeah." "He wanted to see where the trash went." "Okay, bye." "This is one nice fucking neighborhood." " How long you live here?" " Too long, shh, it's ringing." "Looks like it's from a movie." "That with the plants and trees, no chain-link, this place's got alarms?" "Celia, I'm outside your house." "Where's my son's car?" "Why?" "It's in your driveway." "Nancy, I told you I'd drive it home and I always try to be a woman of my word." "Oh, you owe $37,50 for gas." "Hello?" "Hello, Nancy?" "Shit." "This ain't good." "Shit... silas' phone, Celia speaking." "Hey Nancy, I helped myself to some of your vodka," "I hope you don't mind." "Oh, and I borrowed some garden shears, you know they were really helpful, so thanks." "I did this... for your own good, Nancy." "He gonna be mad." "Special thanks to Benj!" "Special thanks to ouazo" "Special thanks to Bbsiocnarf" "Special thanks to San-A"