"APPLAUSE" "CHEERING and indeed any other part of the body beginning with H." "And joining me with scalpels at the ready are four prime specimens of the human body." "So give a big hand for Sue Perkins!" "APPLAUSE AND CHEERS" "And a hearty cheer for Bill Bailey." "APPLAUSE AND HEARTY CHEERS" "And a hip-hip-hip replacement hooray for Gyles Brandreth!" "hooray!" "Wahey!" "Very good." "And a hair-raising scream for Alan Davies!" "AUDIENCE SCREAMS Wow." "I like the way it stopped dead. your buzzers should be ready." "And Sue goes..." "APPLAUSE Ooh!" "I think it was a round of applause." "And Bill goes..." "CHEER And Gyles goes..." "HIP-HIP-HOORAY!" "And Alan goes..." "SCREAM Oh!" "the audience." "GYLES:" "Isn't that clever?" "Wow." "let's start with H..." "This is already one of the weirdest shows I've ever been on." "LAUGHTER We try and do our best." "This sounds like a pensioner sitting on a bag of Rice Krispies." "APPLAUSE" "LAUGHTER You're right!" "APPLAUSE is it?" "Or somebody putting their fingers in a socket." "Do it again." "but nice!" "tiger." "remember?" "Well." "Let's start with H for h-h-h-hands." "What can I tell about you by looking at your palms?" "why did you say that in that very strange way?" "H-h-hands!" "Just to emphasis it begins with H." "Like we were under any illusion that "hands" started with anything else." "HANDS!" I was just trying to be helpful!" "Subtitles for the hard of thinking." "Remember who you're sitting next to." "dear!" "ALL:" "Hands!" "look!" "At the end of your harms!" "LAUGHTER what..." "What can you tell about someone from their palms?" "children..." "BILL:" "The future." "KLAXON" "I didn't say "the future"!" "He said "the future"!" "I just joined in!" "Maybe we'll halve the forfeit between you." "I can't believe I get...!" "But no." "Empirically and obviously it's never been proved that any such thing but there are things you can tell." "GYLES:" "Forgive me." "When you say it's never been proved..." "Yeah." "But there are people who feel they've done it." "Feeling you've done something is not quite the same as empirical..." "Thank God you're not in the government." "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE that's all they do." "To varying degrees." "But they have ridges." "but there is such a thing as palm diagnosis." "There is a way of finding out predispositions towards good God." "..happiness-threatening illnesses." "Oh." "It actually will spell something?" "LAUGHTER" ""You're going to..." Alphabetic!" ""You're going to d..." "GYLES:" "And where do we see this?" "Do they swell up?" "Go red?" "It's the ridges of the palms." "Who was responsible for discovering fingerprints? which was rather discredited." "That's always a shame." "It is. and 30 years later in the 1920s it was discovered that those with Down's Syndrome have completely different palms from anyone else." "at least 20 conditions were shown to present themselves on the palms." "How gullible are we?" "like that. "Heal us!" ""Make us whole again!" There are also indications... "Tip us!" "LAUGHTER "We work for food!" Yeah. who consulted palmists." "our mutual hero... did." "Edward VII did." "Gladstone." "And they..." "Who was the palmist they consulted? based on..." "Called "cheiro" from..." "From the Greek meaning hand." "But his real name was?" "His real name was William Warner." "You're right." "There he is." "and his great-great-grandson's brother married Elizabeth Taylor - Senator Warner." "it's good to know." "He also called himself Count von Hamon." "That's a really good answer on William Warner and superb to hear." "Splendid answers all round." "Thank you very much. but it can tell you your past..." "RIPPLE OF LAUGHTER in the form of genetic markers that were set down while you were in the...womb..." "There's somebody playing with me..." "It sort of looks funny with what you're doing." "There is a piece of wire." "LAUGHTER" "APPLAUSE" "I've been goosed by the palm of a skeleton." "I've been sitting for ten minutes thinking "When shall I do it?" "They're talking about palms!" "It should be now!" "It should be now!" "Wahey!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "You see?" "It had to end... dear." "GYLES:" "You just don't know your own strength!" "Sorry!" "me head's come off." "my heavens!" "That'll do it!" "carry on." "LAUGHTER" "They actually look a little bit like the Cheeky Girls." "LAUGHTER" "They do." "Yes." "Er..." "answer me another question." "Marcel Proust." "BILL:" "A La Recherche Du Temps Perdu." "Very good." "Now why did Marcel Proust have such a limp handshake?" "There he is." "There's Marcel." "He hasn't slept for five years." "APPLAUSE but he was a known homosexual." "He was well gay." "Now I don't..." "He was well gay." "But I don't want to say that he had the limp handshake because he was gay..." "It's like saying he..." "loved to buy scatter cushions and throw them around the gaff." "it seems a really reductive thing to say." "But I don't know if... who are rather limp-wristed and who like ornament and design." "he was very sensitive." "But..." "BILL:" "He was very buoyant." "Buoyant..." "LAUGHTER" "Exactly!" "He was very buoyant." "He could go cruising at any time." "anywhere." "HIP-HIP-HOORAY!" "Yes." "I'm going to offer a thought." "Yeah." "OK?" "Right." "spent a lot of time in North Africa." "BILL:" "Tangiers?" "North Africaaaah." "One of the things that I discovered when I spent time in Africa..." "Are you coming out?" "Is this a coming-out statement?" "so just watch out." "you're right." "I know your party's behind you." "Indeed." "LAUGHTER" "APPLAUSE" "Gyles. the African handshake but it lingers." "no!" "Gyles!" "In Europe we shake hands..." "BILL:" "Don't touch him!" "you shake hands like this...and we hold there." "Stop." "I have a lot of experience of this." "Stop it..." "He's glued me!" "I can't get out." "but I went to interview Archbishop Desmond Tutu long time." "Did he?" "Who is this again? and brought it back with him to Paris." "I have no evidence that proves it." "I know that Andre Gide went to North Africa..." "That's who I'm thinking of!" "APPLAUSE" "You sweated on my hand for that?" "Andre Gide was out and proud." "in his book Corydon." "And he was out." "Marcel was not out." "Marcel was embarrassed and ashamed of being gay he went to brothels to try and cure himself." "we've all tried that." "LAUGHTER folks." "my darling." "It's a sort of double-bluff is the only way I can explain it. then people wont think you're an invert." "As the word was then." "Invert?" "An invert." "yeah." "people will think I'm trying to look straight." "confidently am all limp..." "It's a double-bluff!" "A double-bluff." "do handshakes?" "gives me the creeps." "is it?" "I don't like a sweaty hand." "I don't like when there's something left on your hand after... either." "That's a power thing." "Isn't that like a dominance thing? the dominant figure is the figure with the hand on the outside." "Hold my hand." "Gyles!" "just take my hand." "I'm looking away." "All right." "you've got to take my hand." "Oh!" "You let me dominate you." "You've let me dominate you." "you chose!" "You chose!" "I just... with..." "Stop stroking me on the thing..." "LAUGHTER" "Who does that?" "Who does that?" "He did...he did inverted crab." "Earlier you said you liked it." "No..." "You said you liked it!" "God." "They're having a row." "I've now got two soiled..." "Did it tickle?" "It did tickle!" "The crazy spider." "He did do the crazy spider." "as we've just show. actually suggested that people who gave really strong handshakes should be charged for assault." "is he?" "No." "Marcel Proust used a limp handshake because he wanted to conceal the fact that he was gay in an elaborate double-bluff." "I want you to imagine you've been transported to the 19th century and the trip has given you a banging headache." "You want to have a hole drilled in your head to get rid of the pain and the pressure." "So where's the best place to have it?" "Umm..." "The trepanning?" "Germany?" "KLAXON" "APPLAUSE these people." "that's amazing!" "I suppose." "It basically is." "no." "Germany probably not the best place." "where is the best place to go?" "should it be America?" "GYLES:" "Harley Street." "Harley Street was a very bad place to go." "They would go to..." "Margate." "France." "France?" "probably a better bet than Harley Street." "But it seems that Papua New Guinea would be the best place." "yeah." "78% of those who had it done in London in the west died." "From blood poisoning?" "from cross-infections." "Why did people keep going?" "Eight out of ten people die. "I'm up for it." "it was because they got infected." "the trepanning?" "supposedly." "the oldest form that ever there was." "we know that it wasn't a failure." "As a way of knowing that it didn't kill people which is...?" "Some of them survived." "A little bit of tissue grows." "because people have lived for years afterwards." "Didn't they used to put coins in the hole and stuff like that?" "gaping hole..." "You are..." "You could put a dispenser in and turn your head into a Pez machine." "LAUGHTER" "Just press your ear. even there..." "He's not happy about that." "He's not happy." "they used found sharp things to do the hole which is sterile. and it was a lot more dangerous for that reason." "Do you know about open craniotomies?" "Open-brain surgery where someone is conscious." "Why would you want someone to be awake?" "So you know that they can use their fingers..." "That's right. there is every chance you're an inch out in where you're operating and you can ruin the speech or motion centre. he's quite a senior figure in the world of bluegrass music." "He had a hand tremor and they decided to do one of these conscious craniotomies on him and we have a film of it." "He plays the banjo..." "No!" "..while they're operating on his brain to check they're not interfering with his..." "Can we see Mr Adcock?" "There he is." "How about now?" "No problems?" "ADCOCK SINGS" "isn't it?" "they took Spock's brain clean out and replaced it with another one." "They did it all..." "He lay on his back and they put a board over his head going..." ""The brain's out now." "The new brain's in." They took the board up and his head was absolutely fine!" "trepanning IS the oldest known form of surgery." "you were better off having it done in Papua New Guinea than in the hospitals of London." "How would you know if you had a shrunken head?" "Ah." "I'm going to give you..." "LAUGHTER yeah." "Is it real?" "That's my question." "How can you tell whether you have an authentic shrunken head?" "I see." "How can you tell if you actually have a shrunken head yourself?" "Does it come with a certificate?" "ALL TALK AT ONCE" "Is one of these real?" "What do you know about shrunken...?" "Where would you get one?" "There are some real ones." "Ecuador." "Ecuador is exactly right." "This is brilliant." "You're on fire." "That is impressive." "Do you know the name of the tribe?" "No." "The Shuar people." "Shuar?" "Shuar people." "They are a clan..." "Bush monkeys." "Bush monkeys!" "you put this in the back of your car!" "Yes!" "So you think this is an early nodding dog?" "Yes." "That feels like horse hair or something to me." "It doesn't feel... not officially." "It's against the law." "there's at least one." "by our count." "that's lovely!" "SCREAM" "How would you do it?" "SCREAM" "How would you shrink a head?" "Put it in the washing machine at a very high heat." "but it's reduced to the size..." "Those are real size." "You'd have to take all the skin off someone." "including the hair." "You throw away the skull and the eyes this whole skin." "Then you turn it inside out and you scrape it." "SCREAM" "I didn't invent this." "keeping the features as perfect as you can..." "Like skinning a rabbit. right?" "Then you pop in hot stones and sand." "Mmm." "To give it shape?" "I'm making note of this." "Then you simmer it." "How long do you simmer it for?" "Boiling water." "my darling." "Bay leaf?" "Yeah." "essentially." "Voila." "To what purpose?" "these Shuar." "They're the ones who are famous..." "Oh!" "For the man with the molten lava." "Are these the cruellest people in the history of the world?" "They're certainly..." "I remember the teacher who taught us this." "He was pretty vicious himself." "And there was a Spanish general who tried to tame this Shuar tribe..." "Yes. they poured molten gold down his gullet until his bowels burst." "Right." "Sounds like a good repayment for his greed for gold." "Indeed." "That's why they used gold." "Indeed." "the poison beloved of detective writers." "That's the one that gets your central nervous system?" "Absolutely." "though." "It's a good look." "they are goat or alpaca." "These are available in Ecuador as tourist knick-knacks." "So that's a goat's face?" "one that's done by someone imitating the tribesmen has lips too neatly sown up." "they were pretty basic." "Is it to preserve relatives?" "I own you. no." "Grandma?" "I hated him!" "I've got another little experiment." "I'm going to hand these blank #163;2 coins." "Just try and draw the Queen's head as she is on the coin." "The Queen's head on the coin?" "Yeah." "is she..." "An outline." "Which way does she look?" "No-one knows." "don't ask for help!" "Oi!" "I'll take points away if you cheat." "How do you think I got through school without asking for help?" "Everyone done?" "She looks like Lenny Henry in mine." "that's all right." "done." "Alan's done." "You..." "Mine looks like a triceratops." "Let's look at yours there." "LAUGHTER" "And yours?" "Extraordinary. you've all made the fundamental error that everybody makes in thinking she faces left." "She faces right." "KLAXON because most people think that." "88% of people think the Queen faces left on her coins. it's always face to the right." "Never ask for help." "Do they take it in turns?" "Did her father face the other way?" "Yes." "like that." "They've alternated since Charles II." "But does she not face the other way on the paper money?" "on the stamp." "That's one theory." "Whoa!" "One theory as to why 88% of people seem to think she faces left is because she does on the definitive edition of the stamps." "We're all familiar with that image. but on the stamp and on the coin she looks to the right." "they will say left." "with right-handedness." "We just picture a profile that way. when you have someone to do it for you." "It's bizarre that we just don't notice." "is it?" "All coins with the Queen's head on." "How long has that been?" "Since the beginning of time." "so her father faced left." "I see." "George VI. they'd be..." "It would." "It would be like a tennis match." "It'd be exhausting. if you'd be so kind." "What should you do with your head if you have a nosebleed?" "HIP-HIP-HOORAY!" "Yes?" "You have to answer." "I'm doing it." "You should do that with your head?" "Pressing..." "Your lip." "pressing the bit below the nose." "No." "Because the nose... not worry." "A nosebleed won't harm you." "you might stain your clothes." "but a nose bleed is all right." "You could lie back." "No!" "KLAXON" "I like it." "I remember this." "do you know." "No!" "And you can get it in the lungs. but you can also have a nosebleed through your eyes." "It is possible to have a nosebleed that comes out of these bits. cos it's coming out from the nose part." "Just tilt your head forward love." "not back." "it is very much recommended to seek medical advice." "which would be..." "Bouncy castle." "LAUGHTER" "Classic." "Inevitable." "yep." "That can bring it on." "There you are." "That would do it." "Tilt your head forward." "is it?" "Ray Mercer." "Merciless Ray Mercer." "picking it. it'll clot naturally." "however?" "HIP-HIP-HOORAY!" "Nothing." "I don't believe you can swallow your tongue." "Is the right answer." "Absolutely." "APPLAUSE sweet tea when someone's fainted or had a seizure and say "do this it's nonsense." "possibly..." "It's very rare." "If you have a bash and you bite it or something... but you can't swallow it. finally!" "Why shouldn't you crack your knuckles?" "Ooh." "Can you do lasting damage?" "The bone..." "HIS KNUCKLE CRACKS no! it causes arthritis." "Because there was a famous doctor cracked the knuckles on his left hand" "you'll get arthritis." "being of a scientific turn of mind..." "REDNECK VOICE:" "You gon' get arthritis!" "I'll test this by only doing it on the left hand." "and I'll show you how! and then he had various tests and there was no suggestion of arthritis you were wrong!" "I wasted my life." "there we are!" "That is indeed the answer." "You can't get arthritis you could end up and goodness knows what impression that'll give people(!" ")" "Which handily brings us to the heart of the matter - the scores." "who really used his head... we have a tie for first place." "it's Gyles and Sue!" "APPLAUSE" "Bill Bailey!" "APPLAUSE" "Alan Davies!" "APPLAUSE" "Alan." "And I leave you with this." "It's an anatomy lesson." "In order to accustom medical students I need one of you to come forward." "Do what I do. and then just sucked it." "but you've got to learn how to be a doctor." "So this medical student puts the finger up like that." "The other thing about being a doctor is you must be observant." "I put my middle finger up the rectum and sucked my index." Thank you and goodbye." "APPLAUSE" "Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd" "E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk"