"* it seems today that all you see * * is violence in movies and sex on tv * * but where are those good old-fashioned values * * on which we used to rely?" "* * lucky there's a family guy * * lucky there's a man who positively can do * * all the things that make us * * laugh and cry * * he's..." "A..." "Fam..." "Ily..." "Guy!" "*" "(grunts)" "Morning, peter." "Morning, lois." "You using the bathroom?" "Yeah." "Why?" "I was just curious." "Before you go, I wanna ask you a question." "Is there something on my elbow?" "Me first, me first, me first!" "(both grunting)" "Peter, I'm going first." "Oh, no, you don't!" "Move your ass, peter!" "You move yours!" "I made reservations with the maitre d'." "Isn't that right, cornelius?" "Lois griffin, poop for one." "I also need a poop." "Do you have a reservation, sir?" "Yeah, I called a couple days ago." "Who did you speak to?" "Dave..." "Ald..." "Jeff" "Illiam..." "Tonio?" "Davaldjeffilliamtonio hasn't worked here for four years." "Ah, the hell with you." "I'll use the other bathroom." "Male voice:" "Somebody's in here." "Oh, excuse me." "Good morning." "Lois, since when does an elephant live here?" "He's an exchange student." "Don't you remember?" "Oh, that's right." "Don't you feel foolish?" "Well, how long does it usually take you?" "I don't remember." "(to himself):" "Oh, my god," "That is such a bunch of crap." "I hope my son is having a better time with your family." "(screams) poachers!" "(whimpering)" "Joe, I need to use your bathroom." "Sure, peter." "What the hell?" "How do you even?" "Wha...?" "It..." "I-I don't..." "Wait." "How do I...?" "Uh, yeah, that's gonna be" "Way too complicated for ya." "How come there are two toilets?" "The other one's for blood." "(whimpering)" "Cleveland's old house." "Perfect!" "(whimpering)" "Damn, no toilet paper." "(whimpers)" "Hey, joe, can I borrow this?" "Sure." "Peter, where have you been?" "Oh, let's just say I've been" "At cleveland's empty house taking a dump." "Ugh!" "That's disgusting!" "I will be taking all of my movements there from now on." "All of 'em!" "Brrreeee-ha-ha!" "* let's get loud, let's get loud * * turn the music up, let's do it * * come on, people, let's get loud * * let's get loud * * turn the music up, don't you hear that sound?" "* * let's get loud. *" "Peter, your breakfast is ready." "Hang on." "I'll be right back, lois." "I'm just going across the street." "Peter, you can't keep using cleveland's bathroom." "Oh, my god!" "Yes, I can!" "Cleveland's bathroom is the greatest discovery" "Since fat women discovered diet coke." "Now I can eat anything!" "Hey, hey, hey, no, no, no!" "What are you doing?" "!" "That's my bathroom!" "What are you talking about?" "We just rented this place." "Holy crap!" "Dan aykroyd and chevy chase!" "What the hell are you guys doing in quahog?" "Oh, we're just doing research for a movie." "Oh, my god, that's amazing!" "Listen, I gotta tell you guys," "I've watched all your movies, like, a thousand times." "You saw cops and robbersons?" "And my stepmother is an alien?" "Almost all of 'em." "Boy, I sure would love it if you guys would come" "To our house for dinner tonight." "My wife's cooking sucks," "But I just want to look at ya." "You like meatloaf?" "Uh, yeah, sure." "All right, see you at 8:00." "Oh, man I can't believe I'm gonna have dinner" "With two of the three amigos." "This is gonna be way better" "Than when we had that victorian girl ghost over for dinner." "(sobs)" "My governess drowned me in a well." "You are a horrible dinner guest." "Can you believe it?" "We're eating with two of the three ghostbusters." "Actually, I wasn't in that." "Look at these guys, they can't take a compliment." "You know, you guys are funny," "But, uh, I got a confession to make." "I'm a pretty funny guy myself." "Maybe I say a few things here, maybe I get a few laughs." "Maybe you guys put me in one of your pictures." "Uh, well, uh, yeah, I suppose it's possible." "Yeah, we got all kinds of roles available." "Speaking roles, background roles." "Background would be good for you." "Ooh, yeah." "Speaking role or background role." "Either one would be good." "You know, I'm really good at sight gags." "Oh, I didn't mean to do that." "Now it's everywhere!" "That's comedy." "(laughs)" "Peter, what the hell is wrong with you?" "That's not funny." "Oh, well, interesting opinion, lois." "Gee, I wonder if there's anyone else at this table" "Who's maybe more qualified" "To say what's funny than you are?" "Well, we'd need to see a little bit more," "But, uh... (chuckles) is that the time?" "I can't believe that's the time." "It's late." "I don't understand." "You're not wearing a watch." "You see, that's sort of a joke, peter." "Oh." "Well, that's not that funny." "It's kind of funny, you know." "No, it's not funny." "See, if you had said something like," ""oh, it's half past a freckle."" "(laughs)" "Oh, you know, I'm thinking of the three of you." "I'm-I'm thinking this guy..." "Let me show you something that's funny." "Okay, here's an impression of john wayne" "On the first thanksgiving." "(normal voice):" "I'm john wayne" "At the first thanksgiving, pilgrims." "Happy thanksgiving, pilgrims." "(laughs)" "Where's this guy been?" "Well, mr." "Griffin, this has been a lot of fun." "A lot of fun." "But we gotta get back over to our place" "Mm-hmm." "And, uh, kinda do, uh..." "What do we have to do?" "Roll some joints and get high." "Yeah, we gotta do those things." "That's not funny." "Drugs aren't funny." "They ruin lives." "Amen." "No, peter," "You're not funny." "I'm afraid dan's right." "You're not funny at all." "I don't get it." "You're painfully unfunny." "Get the (bleep) out of my house!" "Hey, stewie, can I talk to you for a sec?" "Look, brian, I've colored" "Sebastian the crab blue." "If that isn't a middle finger to society," "I don't know what is." "Ew, I don't like it anymore." "I wish I had colored him red." "Do you think it's a little odd" "That chevy chase and dan aykroyd have moved" "Into quahog together?" "I mean..." "Why here, why now?" "I don't know." "Maybe we go over there and find out." "Maybe we do." "Hey." "Hi, there." "Uh, can you guys tell meg I'm seeing someone?" "Brian:" "You see anything?" "Doesn't look like anybody's home." "(guns cock)" "Won't you gentleman have a pepsi?" "What do we do?" ""won't you gentleman have a pepsi?"" "(both screaming)" "Oh, my god!" "Oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god!" "Yell, yell, yell, yell, yell, yell." "(electronic trilling)" "What the...?" "What the hell is this place?" "Welcome to d.U.M.P." "Deep underground military protection facility." "Wouldn't that be d.U.M.P.F.?" "The "f" is silent, like in "knife."" "We're actually working for the federal government" "And we need your help." "Do you want to be spies like us?" "Can we be spies like them?" "We've actually resolved our differences." "Wait a minute, I don't understand." "What do you mean you guys work for the government?" "Well, brian, it turns out spies like us" "Was ronald reagan's favorite movie." "So he actually appointed us honorary spies" "Back in the '80s." "That still doesn't explain what you're doing here." "You see, brian, during the cold war" "The soviet union brainwashed dozens of american civilians," "Effectively making them sleeper agents" "Who could be activated at any time" "To do the work of the kgb." "Activated how?" "The agents could be activated" "By uttering a predetermined phrase." "At which point, they would snap into a trance" "And mindlessly carry out whatever orders they were given" "By their kgb handlers." "Well, I mean, what if they encountered somebody" "Who said the phrase accidentally?" "Not possible." "The activation phrase was something" "That no one would ever think to utter." "What is it?" "The phrase is, "gosh, that italian family at the next table" "Sure is quiet."" "You see, the u.S. Government" "Believes that one of these sleeper agents" "Is right here in quahog." "Now you two..." "Individuals live here." "Are there any local residents" "Whom you've seen acting strangely?" "Well, there's a pedophile up the street" "That nobody seems to be doing anything about," "But it's mainly because he's so funny." "Well, look, we'd be happy to help in any way we can." "Hey, is ron howard's weird-looking brother" "One of these lab technicians?" "Of course he is." "It's an '80s movie." "Hey, there's something on the screen." "And those two bums turned to me" "And said, "you're not funny, peter."" "In my own house." "Well, what was the bit?" "Okay, ready?" "(normal voice):" "I'm john wayne at the first thanksgiving, pilgrims." "Happy thanksgiving, pilgrims." "(both laughing)" "Oh, my." "Oh, my." "Oh, my god, peter, I'll tell ya" "And I'm your friend and I'll be honest with you" "That's funny;" "that is funny." "You know what I appreciate about your joke, peter?" "It's clean-- it's clean funny." "I just wish there was some way" "I could show them how wrong they are." "Show 'em that we know comedy better than they do." "Hey, I got an idea." "What's the most consistently funny form of comedy" "In existence?" "Improv?" "Improv!" "Improv." "Improv." "Improv." "Improv!" "We'll start our own improv group" "And put on a show." "All right!" "Thank you for seeing us on such short notice, mayor west." "No problem, gentlemen." "May I call you gentlemen?" "Yeah." "Now you say this spy is located somewhere in quahog?" "That's right." "We need you to set up some roadblocks" "To help us contain him." "Do you have any clues" "Regarding the identity of the spy?" "It's a little tricky, sir." "See, the operative is completely unaware" "That he's been programmed." "And the only way to activate him" "And discover his identity is by saying the phrase," ""gosh, that italian family at the next table sure is quiet."" "(speaking russian)" "It's him!" "(beeping)" "(groans)" "I haven't been this..." "(moaning)" "Since I... (moaning)" "I-I don't..." "I don't really know what I'm supposed to be doing." "Uh, but..." "Oh, there's track star wilma rudolph." "Obviously she had something to do with the gag," "But I didn't hear the setup," "So I don't really know the context." "Hey, I wonder what peter's up to?" "Okay, so we gotta come up with a name for our improv group." "Anybody got anything?" "Um..." "Um..." "How about "the joke ridge boys"?" "Eh." "Not bad." "Wait, how about "funny side up"?" "No, no, no, guys, guys, we've got the name." "It's "impravda:" "The truth is ad-libbed."" "What about "deliveries in rear"?" "Oh, yes!" "No, no, you can't just jam jokes in for no reason." "It has to be organic to the situation." "What the hell you being so friggin' comedy hitler about?" "I was in three improv groups in college, peter." "I was in "improvidence," I was in the "wackadamia nuts"" "And I know I'm dating myself here," "But "three smile island."" "My point being" "That I am the only experienced member of this group." "I can already tell this is not going to be fun." "How do we know where to start looking?" "The tracking beacon I shot into mayor west's ankle" "Will allow us to locate him." "(rapid beeping)" "Wow, those are the russian people?" "I mean, granted, you do think of bears on unicycles" "When you think of the russian people," "But they're all bears on unicycles?" "Bears on unicycles, every one." "So what do we do now?" "We're undercover u.S. Agents in a hostile foreign territory." "We've just gotta make sure we don't do anything" "That makes us stick out." "Hey!" "They're not bears on unicycles!" "(guns cocking)" "You are under arrest." "Oop." "Time to lose this costume." "(high-pitched voice):" "'cause we're in russia!" "Here are the american spies we captured, mr." "Prime minister." "(all gasping)" "(all sighing)" "(all gasping)" "(all sighing)" "(all gasping)" "Well, he was "putin" us on, huh?" "Right?" "What do you think of that?" "Chevy, right?" "That would have passed for funny" "In one of your movies, right?" "Okay, movin' on." "Gentlemen, let me put your minds at ease." "I know why you are here, and I mean to help you." "Oh... (laughing)" "Well, terrific." "The truth is, the reactivation of a cold war sleeper spy" "Would be an embarrassment to my government." "On the scale of our 1981" "Failed czechoslovakian occupation outpost" "Which was penetrated by bill murray, harold ramis" "And their ragtag band of misfit soldiers" "Who didn't even graduate." "They slept through the graduation ceremony" "And somehow managed to come out of the manhole" "Wearing clean pressed suit, as you say." "So the long and the veiny of it is" "You're gonna help us out, right?" "I will provide you with transportation," "Passports, food, supplies," "Everything from a to backwards r." "Wow, thank you so much for your help, mr." "Putin." "Would you like to see russian cutaway gag?" "Yeah, sure." "Here is russian cutaway gag." "(shouting in russian)" "(laughing)" "Where the hell is quagmire?" "I don't know." "He said improv rehearsal at 7:00, right?" "Yeah, where is quagmire?" "I haven't seen him all day." "Oh, you know what?" "I think he went down to the bank." "What was that?" "What'd you hit me for?" "I'm passing the story on to you." "Keep it going, keep the story going." "Huh?" "What's quagmire doing at the bank?" "It's improv, peter." "You don't think," "You don't think, you don't think." "You just keep talking." "You don't think." "Don't think, don't think." "What comes to mind?" "Talk, talk, talk, talk, talk!" "Oh, I get it!" "Tap me, quagmire, tap me!" "Quagmire went to the bank to donate sperm," "Because it's a sperm bank." "Yes!" "There you go." "He's moving it forward, he's moving it forward." "See, peter?" "Now tap peter." "(normal voice):" "Hey, pilgrims." "Happy thanksgiving, pilgrims." "It's me, john wayne." "Oh, no." "All right, you know what?" "You're not loosened up yet." "All right, l-let's do some warm-up exercises." "Okay, this is one we call "going bananas."" "Okay." "* I'm a banana, I'm a banana * * peel the banana, peel the banana * * now go bananas, go, go bananas *" "(yelling):" "Gah...!" "Whoa!" "Come on, you guys, do it with me!" "Go bananas!" "Yeah!" "(yelling):" "Wah...!" "Whole body, joe, whole body!" "(quagmire and joe yelling)" "Come on, go bananas!" "Am I doing it?" "!" "Am I doing it?" "!" "(bleep) the matter with you guys?" "All right, let's try something else." "Okay, this is a warm-up exercise called "one word story."" "Now, I start a story with one word" "And then you each continue with one word at a time." "Okay, ready?" "Yeah, yeah." "I'm into this now." "Okay." "The." "Dog." "And." "My." "Mom." "And." "This." "Handkerchief." "And." "Twenty." "Birds." "And." "Peter!" "Geez!" "And." "Peter, hang on a sec." "You're not contributing." "I'm doing it." "You're not adding information." "Well, one of you guys says "thanksgiving,"" "I got a good idea where to go with it." "Okay, peter, let's try something different." "Okay, close your eyes." "What's the first thing you see?" "Uh..." "Don't think, just say it." "First thing." "Pelican." "Okay, what's he doing?" "He's complaining about" "Some undercooked food." "Who's he complaining to?" "A snooty french waiter." "Who's really mean to his customers." "But then when he goes home, his own life's sad, 'cause his girlfriend's mean to him" "And his apartment isn't so very nice." "And he's always running out of paper towels." "(panting)" "I saw it." "I seen it, quagmire." "I was there, in the apartment." "We're ready." "If these signatures are correct," "Mayor west is located one-third of a kilometer that way." "Just over this rise." "Yeah, that's what you told us" "A third of a kilometer ago, you douche." "Perhaps you'd like to do something" "Besides criticizing me and quoting my movies." "You just watch your mouth, mister." "Look!" "(all gasp)" "Anyway, I'd be happy to help you" "Conduct a search of quahog and find" "What the hell?" "Where am I?" "I didn't just bite into a york peppermint patty, did I?" "Mayor west, you're in russia." "You've just launched a nuclear missile" "Against the United States." "Well, this day has taken a bad turn." "Like mike brady's first marriage." "Here's your beer, honey." "Huh." "I don't remember asking for a warm beer." "Well, I didn't want to quit working!" "You made me!" "You don't talk to me that way!" "Alice, what did you see?" "Enough to know I'm getting a raise." "(upbeat musical stinger plays over goofy recorded laughter)" "What the...?" "Oh, man, we're supposed to do a show tonight." "Where's the audience?" "I don't see them anywhere." "If only they could make some noise" "To let me know they're here." "Man:" "We're here!" "Oh, there you are!" "(chuckles):" "Oh, thank god." "Well, we're "room for improv-ment."" "So, without further ado, I need a place." "Man:" "Your ass!" "(chuckles):" "Okay, come on now." "Something serious." "Man:" "Your mom's ass!" "Hey, let's get that guy out of here, huh?" "Okay, a real place." "Man 2:" "Goldman's pharmacy on third and maple." "Woman:" "Give him the hours." "Man 2:" "8:00 a.M. To..." "Okay, I heard "pharmacy." who's in the pharmacy?" "Peter:" "John wayne." "What the-- peter, you're not supposed to be in the audience!" "Get the hell up on stage!" "All right." "Hey, there, sir, welcome to my pharmacy." "Can I help you?" "Here's john wayne at the first thanksgiving." "(normal voice):" "Happy thanksgiving, pilgrims." "(laughter, applause)" "Ah, you like that?" "Okay, here's john wayne bobbitt at the first thanksgiving:" "Where's my penis, pilgrims?" "(laughter)" "And here's john wayne gacy at the first thanksgiving." "I want to dress up like a clown and have sex with children" "And kill them, pilgrims." "(laughter, applause)" "Guys, I got to split." "I took a wet duke." "And." "Okay, this is not something that should ever have been attempted." "Thank you very much." "Good night, everybody." "Improv!" "I wish there was some way I could have prevented this." "It wasn't your fault, mayor west." "There's nothing you could've done." "To be honest, I don't remember a thing." "Except how much I love" "The michael jackson "thriller" video." "Boy, could that guy dance!" ""guy dance?"" "Guidance." "Source programmable guidance." "We can reprogram and disarm the missile from here!" "From here?" "!" "Well, our arms" "Would have to be 40 feet long, dan." "No, yutz, not from right here." "We go over there and do it." "Oh, right." "Oh, come on, chevy." "You should've known what he was talking about." "All I have to do is bypass" "The primary navigational guidance circuits," "Deprogram the hardwired safety overrides" "And reconfigure the motherboard so that the missile's" "Primary central processing unit tells itself" "To eject its own warhead while still" "Safely above the earth's atmosphere." "Hey, dan, when this is all over," "You may get a call asking you to evaluate my performance." "Can I count on you to give me a ten?" "And that should do it." "You did it, dan!" "My god, you did it!" "(cheering, laughter)" "Mission accomplished, gentlemen." "Warhead has been destroyed, we've saved millions of lives." "Let's just hope the fuselage doesn't fall" "Where it can cause too much damage." "No, no, no, no, no, no!" "I-I don't get it."