"Murder Most Horrid" "And then, the votes are counted." "But it's not the votes that matter, it's the seats." "Whoever has the most seats, wins." "Now, any questions?" "Yes, Carl." "It's about seats Miss?" "Yes." "My mum says it's not fair, my dad always gets the comfy seat." "He says she can't fit into it anyway because her bum's too big." "Yes, Milo." "Are you still going to be our teacher after the election?" "Yes I think so, yes." "Yes, Julian." "Won't you be the Prime Minister?" "No I won't, but I will be the next best thing." "I'm going to be the Prime Minister's wife." "You cannot fight crime by locking up criminals." "That is not the way." "It's a vicious circle." "One that is indicative of an increasingl vicious society." "But Mr Bryce, with the election now only months away, how can you claim to convince voters that yours is the party of law and order?" "Well if I may say so, this government is now sitting on the highest crime figures ever recorded." "That is the skeleton in their cupboard." "It's all just words, isn't it?" "No Jane, that's the point." "It isn't." "But by giving people more hope, you reduce the need for crime." "That is the way the battle is won." "The Body Politic" "Good afternoon, Mrs Bryce." "Oh, hello, Eric." "Just been shopping, have you?" "Yes I have, yes." "Very observant of you Eric." "Oh that's what we're paid for, Mrs Bryce." "Right It's the shopping bag." "That's what gave it away." "Reall." "Got people coming for dinner have you?" "No 'cause we haven't got a kitchen, have we?" "Aah yes, well mind you, there's always the barbecue." "Oh I like a nice barbecue myself." "You know, a few sausages, spare ribs, that sort of thing." "You can't beat a good barbecue." "No." "Unless of course you're a vegetarian." "That's right." "Hello, Polo." "What is this?" "What is this?" "I'm going to break my neck one of these days." "Go on." "Mr Belling." "Aah Mrs Bryce." "As you can see, we've got the screening up." "I thought you said you were going to be onto the plumbing today?" "Yes well these things do take time, Mrs Bryce." "I mean an old kitchen like this well Well it's been two weeks, hasn't it?" "Don't worr." "Well get the floor boards up on Monday and you'll be surprised how fast it'll go then." "Yeah I will be surprised." "Mr Belling, can you smell something?" "Oh yeah, you might have a bit of rising damp." "Well I couldn't smell that before." "Oh that's because we didn't have the screening up." "Never mind, find out on Monday hey." "Evening Sir." "Evening Eric." "Brian Hall." "Yeah hello Peter." "Call him back." "I'll call you back." "No he's got Paxman and then he's at the house." "You'll have to move it to Saturday." "Afternoon, not morning." "It's his surgery." "No love, he hasn't missed a surger in 12 years." "He's not starting now." "Thank you." "Oh I was hoping you were going to change that." "Oh the worst..." "Err the most incompetent home secretary..." "If they want him, they'll wait." "Yes, next week, right." "Okay, you made page 1 of The Guardian, page 2 of The Times," "The Independent and The Mail." "Did you see that Lin?" "Channel 4?" "Yeah." "Jane was not impressed." "Oh I brought you this." "What's that?" "You said something about a church fete?" "Oh no, no, you don't need to worry about that." "I've organised that." "Are you staying Brian?" "Err no thanks." "You sure?" "I'll see myself out." "Alright then." "What's that smell?" "All I'm saying is I think you ought to send Simon down to the sharp end for a week." "Actuall in the classroom." "Yeah." "Perhaps his speeches might be a little bit more informed." "What is that smell?" "You listening to me, Jerry?" "Brian was right, there is a smell in here." "Yes it's the floor." "Mr Belling says we might have damp." "Can you believe it?" "It doesn't smell like damp." "It smells more like, I don't know, sewage." "Does it?" "Yeah, it's a kind of... ugh." "A sort of um..." "Where?" "Where?" "What, over here?" "I didn't realise there were any sewage pipes underneath the kitchen floor." "I don't think there are but..." "Ugh that is awful." "Oh, oh right, have you got the torch?" "Yeah." "Can you see anything?" "Err yeah, I can see something." "What?" "Oh my God!" "What is it?" "D-d-don't look down there." "What is it?" "!" "Linda, I mean it." "Linda!" "Aah, oh my God!" "I said don't look!" "What did you see?" "What did you see?" "I mean, I honestl thought I saw..." "I saw a dead body." "There is!" "There's a dead body underneath our kitchen floor!" "Right I'm going to go back down and have another look." "I can't." "No I can't either." "Actuall I can." "Oh shit!" "What?" "What?" "Oh, God!" "God!" "There's three of them!" "I know!" "How do you know?" "There's three heads!" "Three skulls." "I know." "I know." "God, I think I'm going to be sick." "No, don't be." "Right I won't be." "Right, okay, um, I'm going to go and call the police." "No actually I think I'll be sick first, then I'll call the police." "No." "What?" "You can't do it." "Linda..." "You can't call the police." "What do you mean?" "Just think about it, Jerry." "There are three dead bodies in your house." "The election Jerry." "You can't do it." "What do you mean I can't..." "Jerry!" "Think about your image." "The tabloids will make mincemeat out of you." "To hell with my image." "This isn't about politics." "Everhing is about politics Jerry." "You've said that often enough yourself." "Linda, I have a duty..." "Yes you have a duty to be the next Prime Minister." "This will be the end of it." "They'll destroy you!" "No, no, no, no, no." "Yes." "Yes, yes, it's a gift." "Everhing you've worked for, everthing that we've worked for." "Jerry Bryce in slaughter house horror." "Don't let them do that to you Jerry." "Ooh shush." "Hello?" "Mrs Joseph, hello." "No, no that's fine." "Yeah Simon probably would be upset." "You see the thing was I said it was alright for him to play with it in the classroom." "It's just I didn't really want him showing it to the rest of the kids." "Because it's quite frightening." "No I think it's just a phase." "You know how they are." "Yeah, how about we talk about it at the next PTA?" "No, no, no." "I don't mind you calling me at home at all." "Absolutely, that's great, ha ha ha." "Yes, bye." "We've got to get rid of them." "We have got to get rid of those bodies." "So we just dig them up and bur them somewhere else." "Yes that's exactly what we do." "No, no." "We are the only people who know about this, Jerry." "Nobody else knows." "That doesn't make any difference." "Right, right." "When we bought this house, it had been empty for two years, right?" "Right." "And we've lived here for twelve years." "So there is ever chance that those bodies have been under the floorboards for..." "What's twelve and two?" "For over fourteen years!" "Whoever put them there is probabl dead by now!" "Right so we're just going to..." "get rid of them and pretend none of this ever happened?" "Yes!" "Do you think we could live with that?" "What's the alternative, Jerry?" "Five more years of opposition?" "Five more years of watching and waiting when you had the chance to do so much." "And that chance is right in your hands at this moment, Jerry." "Can you live with that?" "No, no, Linda, I'm sorry I can't do this." "No, no you can't." "But I can." "That's it." "What are you going to do with them?" "You can't just take them down to the local tip and dump them." "I'm going to think of something." "Aah!" "Aah, who's that?" "Who's that?" "I don't know." "Take that, take that, I'll see to it, I'll, I'll get rid of them." "Yes?" "Mr Bryce." "Yes." "Hello." "Hello." "Hello Magazine." "I'm Deborah Case." "Aah, um..." "Your office did say half past nine." "Yes, that's right, they did." "Yes." "Um, um," "Yes, right come in, come in." "Thank you." "Hello." "Polo!" "Polo!" "Stop it!" "Now I wonder what this house says about you?" "Jerry!" "Did you get rid of them?" "Um, ha ha, um" "Linda this is..." "I'm sorry..." "Deborah..." "Deborah Case." "Case, that's right, Deborah Case." "Deborah Case, isn't it, yes." "From Hello." "Hello!" "Yes!" "Hello." "Ha ha!" "Yeah, yeah." "We're actuall having brand new whole kitchen fitted." "That's why we're a bit..." "How lovely." "Do show..." "Yeah, yeah!" "Oh yes, dinky." "Charming." "Oh it's such a lovely parish, Mrs Judd." "I'm going to miss this so much but... the bishop insisted it's time to move on." "I don't know how we're going to manage without you Vicar." "You will, you will." "Although the new incumbent is very young." "Trendy." "Ethnic minorities and guitars." "Well, at least we're not getting a woman." "Oh perish the thought." "It'll be out in two weeks." "A very special issue." "Special?" "Oh you mean the Princess Of Wales and the Duchess Of York aren't in it?" "Ha ha, we'll be sending you a copy of the front cover." "Lovely." "Thank you." "Oh no, thank you Mr Bryce." "Oh and good luck with the new kitchen." "Thank you so much." "Ha ha ha!" "Hello Magazine!" "I know but..." "Why didn't Brian tell you?" "He did, he told me last night but I just forgot." "Look, Linda, I'm going to have to get off to the surgery." "No you've got to help me load the bags into the car first." "Oh alright." "Yeah, Brian, it's me." "I'm leaving in one minute, I'll be with you in twenty." "Yeah." "It was over there." "They were there, by the bin." "What do you mean they were there?" "Well they were there." "Well, where have they gone?" "Well, where are they?" "Oh no." "What?" "Quentin." "What?" "Charles Quentin, the vicar." "I said I'd leave a few bags out for the church fete." "For the fete, for the church." "He's taken them?" "Stop shouting at me Jerry." "You're shouting at me." "You're shouting at me." "You're shouting at me." "You're shouting mainly." "Oh God, well what are we going to do?" "Oh it's just a silly mistake really." "Two bags of rubbish that had to go to the rubbish tip." "You didn't open them, did you?" "No, no, right." "Well anyway, I've brought you this for the fete." "It's a collection of my political speeches." "It's signed and everthing." "Aah yes, I think I've located them." "Can I help?" "No!" "No, no, no, that's fine thanks." "Darling" "You take that bag of rubbish." "Yep, this is the other one." "Sorr about that, Vicar." "Sorry." "Have a wonderful fete." "Right well, Linda, if you take me to the surgery..." "Don't be stupid, Jerry." "We've got to get rid of these bags first." "But where?" "Err..." "Yeah, Brian, it's me." "Yeah something came up." "Just ten minutes okay." "Well tell them I'm on my way!" "And one, and two, and three!" "There." "That's burning nicely." "Not bad for a boiler that's 40 years out of date." "You still thinking about opting out?" "Well they're talking about it but that's not the answer Jerry." "No." "What's the feeling amongst the staff?" "Well, excuse me, it's divided really." "The point is, that parents must be allowed to compare schools." "That is their right." "Yes." "If that means league tables, well..." "What a necessar evil." "Absolutely." "Well..." "Brian it's me." "I'm going to be... what!" "?" "They've all gone. -35 people." "Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, we've done it." "Have we?" "We've done it!" "We've got away with it." "It's over." "Even with their hectic lifestyle and the impending election, the Bryce's have time for home improvements." "When I visited them at their charming North London home, the kitchen was being dug up and all in disarray." "Nonetheless, Linda Bryce was quick with a welcoming smile, and an ingenious salad." "Here's the speech." "I've just typed in the changes." "Hello, Brian." "Lin." "I thought you might like to see this." "Head of Northern Water saving 26%, that's L210.000 a year." "Jerry, can you have a look at these?" "People beggar belief, don't they?" "I've got your case." "Taps, Jerry." "We've got to choose them today." "Unbelievable." "Taps!" "Oh, sorry, darling." "Good luck." "Morning, Sir." "Morning, Eric." "So the teachers are greedy." "The teachers are selfish." "Why don't we tell that to the head of Northern Water, who only this morning announced... his own rise..." "So let me tell you, it's easy for the government to talk about failure, it's something they know all about." "Let me tell you now, education and training will be, must be, one of the key stones..." "Calm down, Polo!" "Hello." "Mrs Bryce?" "Yes." "Who's this?" "Did you find them Mrs Bryce?" "Under the kitchen?" "Brian's mobile." "Brian Hall." "H. Brian..." "Yes." "You did find them, didn't you, Mrs Bryce." "I don't know what you're talking about." "Oh yes you do." "Who is this?" "Let me tell you who I am Mrs Bryce." "I know, I know who you are." "Where are you?" "I'm just round the corner." "What?" "I think we should get together." "I'll come over now." "No you stay away!" "Eric!" "Eric!" "Are you alright Mrs Bryce?" "Err, yes, you know Eric, I really think I am thanks." "Yeah, I was just wondering whether you'd, um, whether you'd like a cup of hot chocolate or something like that." "Oh not for me thank you very much Mrs Bryce." "Right, right." "You will be here tonight, won't you, Eric?" "All night, Mrs Bryce." "Oh but as a matter of fact," "I'm off first thing tomorrow, on leave." "Are you?" "Potholing." "Really?" "Oh it's a wonderful sport, very exciting." "I bet." "Unless of course you happen to be claustrophobic." "Get out of the way!" "Come on Brian, answer it." "I am speaking to you, not as a politician, but as a citizen." "As a husband." "As part of a family." "Our survival, yours and mine, is unsafe," "The course of action you must take is clear." "There is no alternative if you wish to remain free." "He's going to hurt you." "Get rid of him." "Do it now!" "Oh, Polo!" "Mrs Bryce." "Get out of here!" "Are you afraid of me, Mrs Bryce?" "I'm warning you." "And you've got ever reason to be afraid, haven't you?" "Three reasons in fact." "Stay away from me!" "You're not going to use that." "What have you done with them Mrs Bryce?" "Where are they?" "No!" "You'd better put that down before you hurt someone." "I've got something I think you ought to see." "Aagh!" "His name was Barlow." "Detective Inspector Barlow." "Fifteen years ago, he suspected me, but he had no proof." "No, you see, the Lord moves in mysterious ways." "He's certain to protect, and I was above suspicion." "Almost drove him mad." "You lived here?" "Yes, this was my house." "I was so happy here and at St Crispin's, of course." "Ecept for the young trendies, modernisers, coming around with their new ideas and new-fangled attitudes." "Why don't we give the harvest festival to Cambodia or to the miners." "Oh yes it's quite alright to, for young people to live in sin, well I dealt with them." "With the ringleaders." "You killed them?" "You should have left them where they were, Mrs Bryce." "It would have been so much better for you." "What are you going to do now?" "What do you think?" "I'm going..." "I'm going to have to..." "KILL YOU!" "Eric!" "Eric!" "9 o'clock tomorrow, right?" "9 o'clock." "Goodnight, Brian." "It was great, Jerry" "You think?" "Really great." "You're unusually quiet, Eric." "Eric?" "Linda!" "Oh, my God, Linda, Linda!" "You alright?" "Oh Linda." "It's alright, it's alright." "What happened?" "This one here's a policeman, or at least he used to be." "And that one there is the real killer." "Quentin?" "Yeah." "The vicar?" "Yes!" "What, so Quentin killed the policeman?" "Yes..." "No, no, no, no, no." "He didn't kill the policeman." "I killed the policeman." "What?" "Yeah I sort of pushed him and he sort of fell!" "What do you mean fell?" "Down the stairs, he sort of fell down there." "Well what about him?" "Who?" "The policeman." "I just told you, he fell down the stairs." "No, no, not him, outside, Eric!" "What?" "Eric is lying outside with a thing in his head, an arrow." "Oh God!" "I think that was me too." "What?" "Yes that was definitely me." "I did that!" "You mean, you killed all three of them?" "Yes I did, yes." "Oh God!" "It'll be alright though Jerry." "What do you mean it'll be al... it will not be alright." "It's not going to be alright, it's not going to be alright at all!" "Jerry, calm down." "It is going to be alright." "We are the only ones who know about this, Jerry." "Nobody else knows." "It's fantastic, Lin." "It really is the perfect kitchen." "Thank, Brian." "Not that you're going to be here for much longer." "26 points in the polls and rising." "Here's to you Jerry." "I think we should stay here a little bit longer." "This could be our kitchen cabinet!" "Ha ha ha, kitchen cabinet." "Yes that's very good." "Are you alright Jerry?" "Me?" "Yes, I'm fine." "Yes, he's absolutel fine." "We're both absolutel fine." "Aren't we darling?" "Ha ha ha." "Ha ha." "Ha ha ha." "Do you want to carve?" "Yes." "This looks wonderful." "Looks fab." "The End"