"kids I know you think you have ever heard of a story from back before I met your mother, but there are some stories you tell" "|| and some stories you don't." "(breathless):" "Oh, my God!" "... (s||aking gibberish) Oh, my God..." "Use your words, Ted." "Okay." "Barney, I'm about to go for the belt." "||" "The||belt?" "||" "The belt." "||" "But that's impossib||." "You were up here less than half a||hour ago." "(grunts)" "||runts)" "(groans) Yes!" "Advantage" " Ericksen." "Don't get cocky." "Wimbledon ||sts a fortnight." "|| "Fortnight."" "||" "British words are so cool." "|| ||" "Plus, did you know lawyers there get to wear wigs?" "I wear a wig to work, I'm a jackass." "||" "TED: ||" "I right." "I'm We can't go." "Tournament." "||||" "What?" "We agreed." "I suited up... ||" "You take too long to get r||dy." "||" "What are you talking about?" "||" "I got the low maintenance, just-rolled-||t-of-bed look." "Yeah, which takes an h||r and a half of waxing, tugging and teas||g to achieve." "||||||" "And then he starts on his hair." "Ac|| ||(feigned laughter)" "||" "Look, are we ||going or not?" "Just go without us." "We'll be there in five minutes." "Really?" "Yes!" "Yes!" "||" "All right, I'm going down to the bar." "||" "I'm ordering three beers||" "||" "I'll see you guys in five mi||tes." "Three beers, five minutes." "||" "Wii AN||" "UNCER:" "Love-30!" "(door closes)" "Thanks for lending me these boots." "||" "Where'd you get them from?" "This sto|| in the Village had one of those crazy sales." "It was a footwear ||feeding frenzy." "|||| (shrieking and shouting)" "||" "I saw it f||st!" "|| (screams)||" "You just made the list, bitch!" "So many questions.||" "Firstly, w||t do you think would happen if a guy walked into that store wearing a suit of boots?" "||" "You look fantastic in them, Robin." "But don't you think they're a little high for that dress?" "||" "Well, that's the po||t: it's to hide that||act" "|| that I h||en't shaved my legs." "||" "I've begun a strict no-shave policy" "|||| ||for the first three dates." "It's all about self-control." "If I don't shave, I mu|| behave." "||" "FYI:" "It doesn't matter, baby." "Guys just want to get ||on the green." "They don|'t mind going through the rough." "||" "Shh-clackey!" "(phone ringing)" "Stinson." "All right, the beers are here." "||" "BARNEY:||" "Yeah, we're not go to make it." "Oh, come on!" "We agreed... ||" "Did Marshall take his pants off?" "Yeah, pants are off." "This is Wimble||n, Ted." "||" "I need the freedom and mobility that only underwear can provide." "||||||||" "Cheerio!" "||" "Fine." "I don't need friends." "||" "I got you guys." "||||" "You guys are my friends, mi'm talking to beer.iends.||||||" "Ted?" "Trudy." "||||" "Trudy." "Oh, my God." "I haven't seen you since... |||| (moaning ecstatically)" "||" "I slept with||ou and then climbed down the fire es||pe." "That was you?" "I'm kidding." "I was super-wasted." "||||||" "These are not all for me." "||" "No, I was going to call you, but I was so embarrassed." "||" "You were embarrassed?" "I was like, "I really like this guy," ""and now I'm ||imbing out his window," "|| ||and I forgot my underwear..."" "||" "God, I thought they felt kind of tight." "I'm ki||ing." "I don't wear underwear.||" "||" "Ladies' underwear." "||||" "Often." "Ah!" "Again, I'm ||dding." "||" "I'm so glad I ran into you." "I know." "Do you want to...?" "Trudy?" "!" "||" "No way!" "|| ||" "Oh, my God!" "Rachel, how ||e you?" "|| (both shrieking and laughi||)" "||" "Ted, this is Rachel." "Hi!" "||" "Kappa Epsilon Gamma!" "Kappa Epsilon Gamma!" "||||" "Whoo!" "Whoo!" "Wait, let me guess." "You guys met in ||ison." "|| (laughing)" "No!" "We were ||rority sisters." "And best friends forever all sophomore year." "||||" "When we weren't at each other's throats." "We could be so competitive." "||" "Uh, but that's all behind us now." "|| (chanting):" "Hey, m||ta!" "Hey, mista!" "||||" "Stay away from m||sista!" "Stay away from my sista!" "||" "Whoo!" "Whoo!" "||" "We have so||uch catching up to do." "Okay." "Are you going to Stacey's wedding?" "||" "Oh, it's off." "Apparently, he's into dudes." "Nah!" "Again||" "That's like her third one." "TRUDY:" "I kn||!" "||" "Well, beers, what do you want to do?" "We could stay here... |||| or I know this o||er place called "My Belly."" "||||" "So, Trudy and I got a table." "Oh, that'||s cool." "I was going to get out of here anyway." "||||" "I'm really t||ed." "I want you to stay." "||||" "Tired of people who fold early, 'cause I am wide awake!" "|||||||| (giggl||)" "||" "Okay, gu||... be cool." "||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||" "||" "You've been vanquished, old bean." "That's 'cause you distracted me." "You've been hanging crumpet ever since the third set." "(phone rings)" "||..." "Stinson." "I've got a situation." "Trudy is here-- you know, from the pineapple inc||ent?" "||" "Oh, you mean the girl that chalked your pool cue and then snuck down ||e fire escape?" "Respect." "||" "So, we're hitting it off and then her f||end shows up and they're kind of compet||ive.||" "I think the new girl's kind of into me." "So you now have two on the line?" "And I don't know which one to go for." "Given the choice, always party with Dr. Strangelove." "New girl?" "Wh|| new girl?" "Two girls are allegedly vying for Ted's affections, and I think..." "Oh, you don'||kn|| what you'|| talking about." "Give it to me." "||" "Are they friends?" "Yeah." "Uh, no" " I-I d||'t know. ||" "They're old sorority sisters." "||" "Are they Betas?" "BecI didn't want to beuts, andin their sorority anyway.now||" "||||" "They're Kappas, and... ||||||" "I think I can score ||th one of them." "||don't know which one," "||and if I chose wrong, I lose them both." "||" "Okay, well, don't worry." "I'll-I'll come down and help you figure it out." "||" "I thought we were in ||for the evening?" "That's what I thought about your bangers and mash down there, but I guess we're both wrong, guv'na." "||" "Hey." "Oh||" "Ted." "Okay...||" "Settle an argument." "Mm-hmm." "Is it stealing if you go out with someone's boyfriend after they've broken up?" "Well, that's very complicated... ||||" "See?" "!" "|| agrees wi|| me." "||||||u're||uch a li||" "le man||hief." "||||" "Oh, somebody should lock you girls up.|||" "||||(giggling)" "You're so funny." "I think Ted || funny." "||" "Really?" "I think Ted is hilarious." "||||||(phone rings) I am never not wearing a suit again." "||||||" "Hello?" "It's me." "I'm at t|| bar." "Don'||t lo||." "Just call me "Mom."" "Uh, hey, Mom." "How's Dad's... colon?" "||||||" "What?" "What's the matter with you?" "Anyway, both of these girls are into you; take your pick." "||" "They are?" "Are you ||re||" "Yes, of course." "||||||" "They're playing with their hair and touching your arm." "||" "Classic green light." "Are you positive?" "||" "Oh, that is so fascinating." "||||" "So what happened?" "Well, after 18 hours of surgery," "||" "I closed, and, thankfully," "|| both girls just celebrated their second birthday." "Wow." "Gosh, separating conjoined twins," "|||| that must be the most amazing feeling." "||||" "True, but now the parents don't ||ow what to do" "|| with their huge supply of four-legged overalls." "|| (laugh...||" "That is so funny." "||" "You're so funny." "||" "LILY||" "Positive." "They both want you bad.||" "||" "It's a clearance sale ||and you're the boots, ba||." "||||" "Oh, it's Robi||" "Good luck." "||" "Bye, Mom." "|| ||" "That'||my mom." "Hello?" "||" "Bring me a razor.||" "What about the no-shave ||" "le?" "What happened to your conv||tions?" "||" "They've been surgically removed||by Dr." "||||" "No, I'm not doing it." "The whole point to not shaving was to..." "Lily, please!" "He's really cute," "|| and I really like ||m, and he's got a British accent." "I'm on my way." "So this college boyfriend, ||who won h" "||" "Neither of us." "||" "He left." "Junior year abroad." "||||||||" "It's really too bad, 'cause... |||| there was that||ne thing we wanted to do." "||||||||" "We wer|| going to do... but we never did.||" "Why?" "Wai|| what were you guys going to do but never did?" "||" "No, it'||s too embarrassing." "You tell him." "No, you tell him." "No, I don't care if y|| don't care." "Well, I don'|| care." "I just..." "Nobody cares!" "Just say it." "||" "Why do|'t we tell him together." "||||" "Okay." "On three." "||" "Well, he's right:" "One.||it'...two...heat.||||||||" "||" "Neither one is givi|| ground." "I could not tell who was the th||d ||eel." "|||||| ...three." "It's a tricycle." "No way, no way, no way!" "|| ||" "What's happening?" "||" "It's a tric||" "le." "|| || way, no way, no way." "||" "It's a tricycle." "||||||" "Well, I'll just say it right now." "||" "All ||rority girls are sluts." "||||" "Put him on speaker." "||" "So what you're saying to us right now is that you have a ||ot at the belt?" "||" "Wait-wait-wa||." "What belt?" "Well, Barney and I have this running joke that the first gu||to actually pull this off would "win" the championship belt." "||" "Oh, so it's a me||phorical belt, right?" "*******" "||||" "You actually bought a belt....||||" "That's right." "It'||resplendent." "Come on, it was just a thing we said." "||" "We were kidding ar||nd." "||" "I never kid." "Remember you said if I e||r slept with that girl from Days of Our Lives, I'd be the king?" "Well..." "||" "Why wasn't I told about the ||" "It?" "I could go for the belt." "(Barney, Lily, Ted laugh)" "||||" "If Lily would've died before me, then I could ride the tricycle." "||||" "Guys, come on!" "Help me out.e back aWhat do I do?" "penis.||||" "All right, Ted, if you're going to go for the belt," "|| then t|| bylaws require me to ask the following questions:" "One:" "Is the aggregate age of all participants under 83?" "||||" "Yes." "Two:" "Is the aggregate weight of all participants" "|| under 400 pounds?" "||||" "Yes." "Theodore Mosby... are you pWhat?" "No.se women?" "||" "Ted... ||||" "No." "Look, I got to go." "They're going to think" "||" "I inherited my dad's imaginary ||throom issues.||||||" "Oh, are yo" "||" "Well, it is ||tting pretty late." "||" "Righ||" "Well, well, it's been... ||||" "Mayb||we could all g||" "listen to that Wilco||" "D" "|| you talked about before.||" "Great!" "I have it right upstairs." "It's in my apartment upstairs." "Let'||s go upstairs." "||" "I'm sorry." "Where was ||" "Ha, that's funny." "I love that." "||" "You should tell more jokes in my apartment upstairs." "||||||||||" "Scenario #12:" "We're in a horrific car crash." "||||||" "You die." "I'm left paralyzed." "||" "Two sexy nurses, with a six-pack of wine coolers, sneak into my room late at night." "I try to blink at them in Morse code." "|| "P||ase, d||'t." "I love my dead wife."" "||||||||||||" "But they're medical profes||onals, and I got to think||somehow, they're saving my life." "||||||" "Fine." "Sleep with your nu||es." "||" "To||ght you ride the unicycle." "||||" "I already did this morning." "|||| (p||ne rings) Hello." "Lily, I have pounded three cappuc||nos waiting for you." "Pretty soon, I won't have to shave-- the hair is going to vibrate off my legs." "I'm sorry, I can't leave now." "Lily, he can'||t see my legs like t||s." "||" "I look like a Turkish lesbian." "||" "There's, um, a pharmacy across||he street." "||||||||" "Would 20 b||ks buy me a razor?" "No, but 50 will." "|||| (phone beeps) Hold on." "Ted's texting me." "|||||| "We're combing||p-sars."" "|||| "Combing It means they'||re What does coming upstairs." "|||| (laughter)" "||||||" "Got 'em." "|| (chuckles nervously)" "||" "Ooh!" "Nice ||||e." "Hey, are these your roommates?" "Yes." "Uh, yes, but they are not here." "||||" "They are somewhere else." "We have total privacy because privacy is ess||tial when you're listening to music." "||||" "You know what else is essential when you're listening to music?" "||" "Music." "That's hi||rious." "||" "You are hilarious!" "||" "I'll go get it in my bedr||m." "||" "The CD's in my bedroom." "||" "Bedroom... ||||" "Okay." "We'll try and stay out of trouble." "||" "Of course, we can't promise anything." "|| (both giggling)" "||" "This is going to be awesome." "|||||||| (whispering loudly):" "No!" "**" "We know, Ted, well done." "mpressive.||||||" "Up top." "Yeah, bro, up top." "*****8888" "||" "Oh, don't be gross." "TED:" "You guys need to get out of her||" "Please, take the fire escape." "||" "No, no way." "The other day I saw ||a pigeon take a ap on it and the whole thing shifted." "Oh, you can use our bedroom." "Okay, all I need to seal the deal is the Wilco CD, Barney." "|| (gasping)" "||" "What are you doing?" "!" "||" "I cannot allow Ted to do this." "||||" "Wh-what?" "Why?" "Because the belt is my birthright!" "||" "You cannot claim it before I do." "||" "That would be like Jimmy Olsen capturing Lex Luth||" "|| while Superman watches ||impotently from the bedroom." "But, B||ney, you|'ve done||||way dirtier" "||||||||" "You're disgusting." "I've never ridden the tricycle." "||||||" "I was on the verge last year." "||" "I was so close." "(all giggling)" "||" "So ladies, why don't we||ove this party" "|||||| to a||ore horizontal location?" "||" "Oh, my God, my new carpet!" "Oh, my God, this is a disaster." "You get the ca||et cleaner." "I'll get a||owel." "||" "Okay. ||" "I'll get the video camera." "Get out!" "Okay then." "||" "So let me get this straight." "You're going to trike-block me?" "That is so petty." "It's like you're... ||" "Tom Petty." "Tom Petty." "||||" "You're Tom Petty." "||" "Wh|||'s Lily?" "|| ||ill looking for that CD, so..." "|||| (whispering):" "What are you doing?" "I knew it." "I had a hunch about that girl" "|| and I was right." "(shouting):" "I saw it f||st!" "You just made th||" "list, bitch." "||||||||" "I ||nnot give up my bedroom to a boot thief." "||" "She should be punished, not rewarded.||" "Fine, then I'll try to work in a little light spanking." "Just do this for me!" "||" "No, never." "Wh|| if I reimburse you for the boot|| full retail?" "||||" "Please enjoy||ur bedroom." "Great." "Just take it." "Okay, wish me luck." "||||||||||" "Oh, my God." "It looks fine." "You're such a girl." "Where's the shaving cream?" "||" "ll, you didn't ask me for shaving cream." "||||" "Well, it w|| implied." "Who bu|| a razor without buying||having cream?" "Well, who doesn't shave their legs for a date?" "||" "Well, who's not ge||ing a tip because of her attitude?" "Well, here's a little tip for you:" "shave ||ur legs before you leave the house, Sasquatch." "||||||||" "Hey, Robin, um, the valet's brought the car ||ound." "||||" "I thought we'd go to my place, if you're in the mood for a nightcap." "Absolutely." "I just have to go to the ladies' room." "||" "I've got TB." "||||" "Tiny bladder." "||" "I'll meet you out front." "Yeah." "||||||||||||||" "You'vExcuse me." "Sorry.ng me.||||||||" "||||||||||||||||||||||||||" "So, I'm having a little ||trouble finding the CD." "||" "That's okay." "||" "We don't need music t||have fun." "|||| ||actly." "||||" "You do like to have fu|| don't you, Ted?" "|| (heart pounding)||" "||||||||" "It|'s getting late." "I'll get your coats." "|||||| "I'll get your coats"?" "!" "||" "I don't know why I said that||" "Why'd I say that?" "||" "It's the opposite of what I meant." "||" "I wanna take clothes off them, not put more on." "Ted, you're ruining this for ever||ne." "||" "Leave him alone!" "||" "Sometimes even the greatest warriors shoot them||" "Ives in the foot." "||||" "What are you talking about?" "If you must know, it wasn't a freak beverage malfunction" "|||||| that stopped me from riding the tricycle that night." "||" "So, Barney, why don't we" "|| take this party to a more horizontal location?" "|||||||| (heart pounding)" "||||||||||" "Oh, no, the night's ruined!" "||||||" "No, baby, it's not." "Ye|| it is!" "Whatever this night was heading towards is ruined." "||||" "Where's my coat?" "||" "Why would you do that to yourself?" "Because you get up in your head, man." "Yo||start thinking," ""I can't do this." "It's two women."" "||" "That's two of everything, four of some things." "The ||gistics alon||are enough to cripple even a pro like me." "Se|| if a complete degenerate like Barney choked, what chance do I have?" "||" "The best chance in the world." "|||||||||||| ||" "Fear took the belt from me." "||||||||" "Fear rode th||tricycle that night, my friends." "|||||| ||" "But fear will not get a second turn." "||" "It won't?" "No." "||||" "Because I now realize it isn't my destiny to win the belt." "||||" "It is my destiny to help my friend win it." "||||||||||" "Ted is fated to go there first." "||||" "He is our Neil Armstrong." "|||| ||(laughs):" "Spacesuit up, Ted, 'cause you're||oing to the moon." "Step||ne." "||||||" "Ladies.||" "||||" "I couldn't find your coats, but I di||||nd... tequila." "(squealing)||" "Wait, wait, wait, a remote control fireplace?" "We don't ha|| a remote control fireplace." "Right, that's my apartment." "||" "The dressing gown's mine, too." "Damn, this should be me." "Anyway, continuing... (music playing)" "||||" "Whew!" "(moans)" "||" "I am so exha||ted." "So exhausted." "Wait, why would I want to tire them out?" "||" "That's your excuse to unleash pretext for physical contact #1." "Oh, you give the mo|| a||zing foot massage." "||||||" "That's 'cause I used to practice all the time on my grandmother." "||||" "Why in God's name would I say ||at?" "||" "It's endearing." "You're a caregiver." "||||||" "Never take||amily values ||out of the equation." "||||||" "Step thre(sighs)" "Te|| what's wrong?" "I was just thinking about this documentary I saw once" "|||||| about something called a super volcano." "||||" "Okay, what the hell?" "Wait for it." "||" "It can happen at any time." "||" "And obliterate ||||all life on Earth, which is why I live by thresimple words." "|||||| ||n't postpone joy." "||||||" "Oh, my God." "||||" "That's so true." "||||" "Yeah." "||||" "The mortality angle." "||" "That's actu||" "ly pretty good." "||" "I can do this." "Yes, you can." "||" "Yeah." "I can't believe I'm going to say this," "|||| but I'm ||tually moved." "All right. it in, guys.||||||||" "I'll see you on the other side." "|||||||||||||||||| (giggling)" "|||||||||||| (giggling)" "||||||||||" "So what happened next?" "||" "Did you do" "||" "It doesn't seem right to talk about it." "What?" "No!" "Tell me." "Don't tell m|| because you don't have to because you didn't do it." "You didn't do it." "You did it." "You did it, didn't you?" "Did you?" "You didn't do it." "||" "Yes, you did." "You did." "No, you didn't." "||" "Tell me!" "Some stories you tell, ||me stories you don't." "That's because you didn't do it." "||" "He didn't do it." "You did it. u did it, didn't you?" "You did it." "Tell me, did||ou?" "||||" "Ted, belt." "Did you?" "Did you || didn't you?" "Did?" "Tell me,||" "lease." "For the love..." "Do you||now if he did or didn't?" "Oh, hey, um, Hmm?" "would you go in there and ||e if my date's okay?" "||" "No problem." "||||" "Thank you." "||||||" "No, nobody's in there, but the window's actually open." "||||||" "I guess I shouldn't be so surprised.||" "I mean, she wa||acting weird ||" "I night, right?" "Yeah, you know... (laughs)" "|||||| ||why don't I buy you a drink?" "||" "Okay." "||" "Did I overhear that you're a surgeon?" "Guilty as charged.||" "|| ||(chuckles)" "Oh, you're so funny." "||" "I'm here!" "||||" "I'm fine!" "||" "My head is bleeding." "||" "Going down again."