"Table, please?" "Will it just be you and your daughter, or will your wife be joining you?" "This is my wife." "It's true." "He's my husband." "I apologize." "I just didn't..." "I mean..." "Okay, I get it!" "All right, can you get us a table, please?" "Did you see that?" "Why do always people take me for your dad, or your uncle or your financial planner?" "I think "always" is a bit of an exaggeration." "No, I mean it." "Is it really that hard for people to think that we're a couple?" "Of course not." "Don't be silly." "Is this man bothering you?" "Leave me and my daughter alone." "We thought she was gonna be so mad, but Abuelita never even knew we were gone." "At least you had a babysitter." "My parents just left the TV on and tipped the pizza delivery guy extra money to tuck me in, you know?" "That would make a great song." "Oh, no, not this again." "Ay!" "Yes, this again." "My baby brother is a very talented musician." "He's gonna be a big star someday." "All I need is to write one hit song to realize my dream of fame and fortune." "A hit song like... ♪ Lonely boy, kiss him good night, Mr. Pizza ♪" "Enough." "That's worse than the one you wrote about me on the can." "♪ Go away, Hector, I locked the door for a reason. ♪" "Enough, enough." "Come on." "We're having a good time here." "Oh, Nando, okay, okay, tell everyone about Maggie's first pony ride." "Oh, no!" "Not that one!" "Yes!" "I want to hear this." "See, my parent didn't let me ride ponies, because they said, "Animals are for eating."" "Okay, well, well, we're in Malibu Canyon, right?" "It was..." "It was Griffith Park." "Oh, yeah, yeah, right, right, Griffith Park." "So, Maggie was, like, about nine or some..." "She was three." "Yeah, whatever." "She was little." "And-And her favorite movie was Black Stallion." "Black Stallion II." "Why don't you just tell the story?" "Oh, no, you say it so so much better." "Go..." "Okay." "Well, the horse ate her hot-dog, she cried, we got her another one... the end." "It was a hamburger." "♪ It was a ham..." "Ya!" "Well, now I'm gonna tell Rob a story about you guys." "Oh, no!" "No!" "Not in our house." "Come on." "It's our house." "Is this the story you told me the other night?" "What story?" "The one about your parents before they were married." "I mean, that was hilarious." "I didn't tell you a story." "No, I want to know this story." "I didn't tell him a story." "No, the one about Fernando visiting Rosa's parents before they were married?" "Rob, sweetie..." "And, uh, he got up in the middle of the night, tried to sneak into Rosa's bedroom, you know." "Ow, honey!" "Careful there." "But it was really dark, and he went into the wrong bedroom accidentally..." "and then he ended up climbing into bed with Rosa's sister!" "You see, the funny thing is, uh, you know, h-he was in the wrong room, and therefore he got into bed with the wrong person." "Am I... am I leaving something out?" "What am I missing?" "Am I..." "No, I think you hit all the highlights." "Where did you hear this story?" "Mami, I'm sorry." "Cousin Buchi told me." "Big-mouth Buchi." "Boy, when those nuns get on Facebook..." "My God!" "I didn't think anybody knew this story." "Everybody's been laughing at me for the last 30 years?" "!" "Did I tell you the one about my parents forgetting me on a plane?" "You know, they were in first class, I was way, way in the back." "No!" "This one's been in the family for ten minutes, and he's been laughing at me?" "No!" "We had a stopover in Atlanta." "Please stop talking!" "Pichona..." "No, don't call me that." "Oh, come on, Rosa, come back!" "♪ Rob told a terrible story" "♪ Terrible, uncomfortable, embarrassing ♪" "Awkward." "It's not completely my fault, you know?" "If you didn't want me to repeat it, you should have said, "Don't repeat it."" "It was obvious." "Nothing is obvious!" "Not to me." "You know, for years I thought my gay neighbors were just brothers who liked to wrestle in the sprinkler." "Rob, how hard is it to understand?" "Most people have stuff in their past they don't exactly want to talk about." "I don't." "Do you?" "I don't know." "Probably." "What kind of stuff?" "Just stuff stuff." "You mean like secret stuff?" "You've got secret stuff?" "!" "Rob, calm down." "It's just that, you know, we got married so fast." "We didn't really know each that long, you know." "And I just, I want to know everything about you." "Oh, that's sweet." "Quit stalling!" "Tell me!" "Look, we have a whole lifetime to learn about each other, everything." "Besides, I think a little mystery is good for a marriage." "No, a little mystery is good for Columbo." "What's a Columbo?" "Oh, my God, I am older than you." "Fernando?" "Oh, great." "It's America's favorite storyteller." "Um, hey, look, I'm sorry about yesterday." "I mean, I just thought it was a really funny family story." "I didn't realize it was like an episode of Cheaters, you know." "I really need your help." "You need my help?" "Boy, you got some pair." "You know, Rosa's not talking to me." "I had to sleep in the guest room last night." "Where'd Hector sleep?" "In the guest room." "I'm sorry, but I want to talk to you about Maggie, you know?" "Hey, honestly, your story's, like, 30 years ago." "How could it still matter?" "Well, maybe there's a little more to the story that you don't know." "What do you mean?" "I guess it could be argued that... well, maybe I didn't leave Rosa's sister's bedroom as quickly as I should have." "Huh?" "Oh..." "Hey, nothing happened." "I mean, maybe there was a little grabby-grabby, but you know, there's grabby-grabby and then there's grabby-grabby." "How grabby we talking here?" "Grabby enough." "Hey, well, Rosa and I weren't married yet, but still it's one of those kind of things that you pretend never happened and you never talk about it again." "Right." "You know, last night" "Maggie was telling me some crazy stuff about herself." "What was that thing again?" "You know, that, um..." "I'm blanking;" "What was it?" "Maggie's secrets, what are they?" "You want me to give you some dirt on my own daughter?" "There's nothing you could tell me that could make me love her less, is there?" "You know, Rob, I would just let this one go." "I don't know how to do that." "The key to a happy marriage is a giant web of secrets and lies." "Lies give you wiggle room." "Like on Thursday, when I say I'm going to check on my other car-washes?" "I'm really going to The Wiggle Room." "It's a gentleman's club on Vermont." "I just go for the hot wings." "What is she hiding?" "Was she ever arrested for anything?" "No." "She a high-school dropout?" "No." "Did she have a lesbian phase?" "Was it more than a phase?" "Maybe she has some secrets, and maybe she doesn't." "I'm just screwing with you." "Or am I?" "Maggie, I'm home." "Maggie?" "No." "I'm not going to go through her bag." "What do I even expect to find in there?" "A diary?" "A diary?" "Nothing, just like I thought." "You're getting paranoid, Rob." "No, you're not." "Aha!" "A guy in a Speedo with his arm around Maggie!" "And what are they on, a yacht?" "Holy crap, is he handsome!" ""To Maggie, my soul mate." "I'll love you forever."" "Enzo?" "!" "What kind of person leaves this stuff just lying around for anyone to find?" "Hello, Maggie." "Oh, you startled me." "I didn't know you were here." "Yeah, well, maybe you'd feel a little less startled if I was wearing a Speedo." "I just got off the phone with my mom." "She's not letting go of this thing with my dad." "She's really angry." "Well, can you blame her?" "Keeping secrets from those closest to you?" "Probably feels like betrayal." "Look, when they yell and scream at each other, that's normal for them." "But when they stop talking, that's bad news." "Well, once you've been betrayed, it's pretty hard to come back from that, don't you think?" "Don't you?" "I invited us over there for dinner tonight." "We've got to help them patch things up." "It is kind of our fault, right?" "Well..." "You know, I was betrayed once." "Where was it?" "Was it on a bus?" "No." "In an elevator?" "No." "It was a yacht, that's what it was." "A yacht." "What are you babbling about?" "Elevators?" "Yachts?" "My parents aren't speaking." "I'm really worried here." "Well played." "But this is far from over." "Far, far..." "Are you coming?" "Coming right behind you, honey." "Hey, there they are!" "Just in time for dinner." "Hey." "Ah, come in." "Come in." "You two seem cheerful." "You're not fighting anymore?" "Fighting?" "Who do you see here worth fighting with?" "Abuelita, would you tell Fernando to please get the wine out of the refrigerator?" "Fernando..." "Tell her I did it an hour ago." "Rosa..." "Well, tell him I said thank you." "Tell her I said you're welcome." "Al demonio." "Esta casa está llena de locos." "I'm going to try talking to my mom." "It's good to talk to people." "To tell them things you perhaps neglected to tell them before." "What?" "I think I made myself perfectly clear." "Rob." "Best friend." "Good news." "I put one of my songs on the Internet, and CatLover17 gave it four paws up." "Hmm?" "Do you have any idea who this guy is?" "No." "Oh, my God, he's beautiful!" "Thanks, I hadn't noticed." "I think his name's Enzo." "Do you know anybody from Maggie's past with the name Enzo?" "I'm afraid I can't help you." "When Maggie was growing up, I was in medical school in Mexico." "You went to medical school?" "Yeah." "They did a lot of testing on me." "I was the only non-chimpanzee." "And they never let me forget it." "Okay, well, how about this?" "You must have done a lot of snooping around the house since you've been here, right?" "Oh, I've gone through everything." "Did Maggie leave any of her old stuff around?" "You know, like, photo albums, yearbooks, that kind of stuff?" "There is a box in the attic marked "Maggie."" "But Rob, I think you should ask yourself, do you really want to betray your wife's trust, just like that?" "Yes!" "Okay, let's go!" "Mom, I'm sorry." "I'm sorry I told Rob the story." "No, no, no." "I'm glad everybody knows my husband accidentally crawled into my sister's bed on purpose." "Well, you can't not talk to Dad forever." "Why don't you just fight it out, like usual?" "This isn't a little thing, like him sneaking off to The Wiggle Room and coming home covered in hot wing sauce." "This is a big thing." "And don't you think it would be better if you two talked about the big things?" "Oh, I talk to him about everything all the time." "Every time I over-spice his food, I'm talking to him." "Every time I run the dishwasher while he's in the shower," "I'm talking to him." "And every time I buy his underwear a little too tight..." "Mom, I get it." "That's not a healthy way to communicate." "I don't know." "Seems to work pretty good." "See?" "Talking." "I am angry... that you got in bed... with my sister!" "It's pretty dusty up here, huh?" "You can eat off the floor in my attic." "I know." "Oh!" "My guitar!" "Fernando said it was stolen!" "He'll be so relieved that I found it." "Come on, let's just find this box and get out of here." "Yeah." "I wonder if we'll run into Steve." "Who's Steve?" "Oh, Steve's a raccoon." "I leave the window open and I feed him sometimes." "Stop doing that." "Come on, let's find that box." "Oh!" "Hey, here it is!" "Here." "Hang on, hang on." "Whoa." "Jackpot." "Photos." "There's Enzo again." "Gosh!" "I'm not gay, but, geez, this guy looks like Thor." "The god of thunder." "He's in, like, half these pictures." "There's Maggie and Enzo in bathing suits." "Maggie and Enzo drinking champagne." "Hey." ""The day you took my ring was the happiest day of my life."" "Well, at least that's settled." "He's her jeweler." "They were engaged." "Why wouldn't she tell me about this?" "He might have been too handsome to describe." "How am I gonna compete with a guy like this?" "Hey, don't worry, best friend." "Hmm?" "I will never abandon you." "And this I swear to you..." "Oh, my God!" "Noise-cancelling headphones!" "These will be perfect for my problem with Fernando." "He hates my music." "But if I put these on," "I won't be able to hear him yelling at me." "Steve?" "Hector, help me!" "Hector, help me!" "Help me!" "Hector!" "These work pretty well!" "Rob?" "!" "Hey, where are Rob and Hector?" "Abuelita, will you please ask Fernando if he's seen Rob and Hector?" "Will you please ask Rosa that..." "Okay, that's it." "You two are acting like complete children." "Just talk it out, so we can get on with our lives." "Okay." "How could you do it?" "How could you confuse my sister for me?" "I mean, you were in there long enough." "You couldn't tell the difference?" "Rosa, I don't know." "I was young, I was dumb, I was full of... rum." "I would never do anything to hurt you." "Well, did you think she was prettier than me?" "That would be impossible." "You were prettier then, and you're more beautiful now." "See?" "Feels good to be finally talking about things, doesn't it?" "Yes, it does." "And since we're getting everything out into the open, you know, sometimes when I get angry with you," "I go shopping for stuff I never use." "I have a closet full of snow boots." "You know, sometimes, when I'm angry with you," "I-I turn up your scale a couple pounds." "Uh-huh." "Guys, this-this isn't what I meant." "You don't really have sleep apnea." "I pinch your nose when you snore." "Oh." "You know those pearl earrings I got you for your anniversary?" "I got them in a claw machine at Chuck E. Cheese." "I've looked into putting your mother into a home." "I have the brochures." "Que significa "home"?" "What happened to him?" "Oh, my God." "Rob, look at you." "Having a little buyer's remorse?" "Not so pretty in the daylight, is it?" "What?" "Rob is not in a good mood." "He got in a fight with Steve." "Who's Steve?" "I don't know anymore." "I barely recognize his behavior." "You got in a fight with somebody named Steve?" "Never mind who Steve is." "Who's Enzo?" "Enzo?" "Yeah, Enzo." "Yeah, I loved that guy." "I know everything." "I found these upstairs." "You two look like the pictures that came with the frames." "Where did you find these?" "I have my ways." "Rob and I went through all your stuff in the attic." "You what?" "You went through my stuff?" "You totally violated my trust." "You might as well have read my diary." "Uh, that's where we drew the line." "We couldn't find it." "You know what you should do?" "Talk about things." "It's a very healthy way to communicate." "Abuelita, please tell Rob I want to go home." "Well, that raccoon tried to kill me, but at least he never lied to me." "I never lied to you, Rob." "Okay." "You want to know everything?" "Fine." "I'll tell you everything." "Good, I want to hear it." "Yes, Enzo and I were engaged." "I don't want to hear any more." "It was five years ago, and it lasted about a week." "Then I broke it off and gave him back the ring." "Why didn't you tell me?" "Because it wasn't important." "Sure, Enzo was a good-looking guy." "Great looking." "But he was boring." "He had no sense of humor." "And I used to catch him looking at his own reflection in my sunglasses." "I know it's just my own insecurities." "You don't have to be insecure." "I know me, I do." "I don't look good in a Speedo." "I think you look great." "I'm never gonna own a yacht." "I don't want one." "I'm a total wuss." "That raccoon kicked my ass." "I didn't get one punch in, not one." "I don't care." "I'm thoughtless, petty, paranoid..." "Finicky, impatient, and you can't parallel park." "But you're also funny, and romantic, and I love the look on your face when you see that I'm happy." "Well, I guess there's no talking you out of me, is there?" "Nope." "You're stuck with me." "Okay, then." "Yeah, now that I think about it, that Enzo guy's probably gay anyway, huh?" "No." "♪ If there's droppings ♪" "♪ In the attic" "♪ From a raccoon that's copacetic ♪" "♪ It must be" "♪ Steve" "♪ Steve, Steve, you gotta believe ♪" "♪ Steve, Steve, he's never gonna leave ♪" "♪ Like me!" "Steve, Steve, he's got joie de vivre ♪" "♪ He's got whiskers like a rabbi ♪" "♪ In Tel Aviv" "♪ Oh, yeah, I love you, Steve."