"Greetings." "Let me start by saying I am Ambassador Richards." "This is Ambassador Carlyle." "Ambassador Thompson." "And we are all very proud to be representing the planet Earth in these negotiations." "[ Alien language ]" "Sir, we have the translator box up and running now, I think." "Well, it worked." "All over her tits." "Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!" "Ha, ha, ha!" "That...." "Oh..." "Good one." "Well, now that the ice has been broken, let's commence with the negotiations." "Okay, good." "We want all of your women." "Oh." "Um...." "Well, that certainly..." "is a starting position." "What would we get in return?" "See, the thing is, we kind of need some of our women, just for the whole continuation of the species thing." "Could we maybe keep..." "three women?" "Or maybe six women?" "Say our wives." "They can fucking keep Meredith." "Say our wives and Carlyle's secretary." "Present company's reproductive partners will be spared, but all other women must be delivered." "Okay, um...." "Now, say we were to give you all 500 of our women." "What would you do with them?" "A great war has erupted on the outer reaches of the Xanax system." "Your women's ovaries are needed to power our machines of death." "Okay." "In return for this offering, the Robotussian warriors will protect this sector from the Provasic invaders." "They have been systematically colonizing and draining these more primitive planets of their resources." "We stand as their sole opponents in their quest to conquer the universe and have traveled here to make ourselves known to you as allies and defenders." "We make this offer of protection to any and all less civilized planets and only request their allegiance and meager contribution." "Well?" "Uh...." "Um...." "This...." "Yeah." "Um, that sounds... good to me." "[ Farts ]" "Um.... lf this is going down, then we're gonna wanna be protected." "We will also offer you 500 Xanax women." "Oh!" "Well, no." "I, um...." "I don't think that would be necessary." "I'll take one." "Imagine what you could do." "We will also provide you with communications technology so that you might receive messages from our most high leader" "Lunesta Seven." "He will provide you with updates of our struggle." "Oh, my God." "Do not be alarmed." "We know that your species male genitalia bears a striking resemblance to our zarflogs." "What?" "No!" "No...." "l thought it was a zarflog!" "I was thinking zarflog the whole time." "Hold on." "I know how to make it go down." "Guys...." "Yup." "Well, will you accept our offer?" "Um... sounds like a deal." "Sounds like a deal." "Shall we shake on it?" "Uh, nope." "You know what?" "We don't really shake hands on Earth." "But good luck with the war and take whatever women you want." "That was the most embarrassing meeting of my life." "I can't believe I clumped all over myself." "I don't think they noticed." "Then my zarflog erupted on my face!" "It's okay." "I should have never come to work this sick." "Hey, what's up, man?" "Sup, homies?" "Hello, brother." "I've never seen y'all before." "You new to the hood?" "Yeah, we're from a ghetto in a different city." "Oh, y'all from D.C.?" "What?" "You got a Skins hat on..." "D.C." "Oh!" "Oh!" "Yeah, yeah." "Oh!" "Yeah, we're from a ghetto in D.C." "Yes." "But not like the CIA or anything!" "No." "[ Laughter ]" "Man, I am just really stressed out lately." "Just really, really tense." "Dude, you should try some of this crack!" "That's a great idea!" "Some crack would really hit the spot right now." "What y'all talking about?" "Oh, it's just the new inexpensive way to get incredibly high." "You wouldn't be interested." "Yeah, no, you're right." "I got to keep my mind clear, stick to the books." "I'm trying to go to school in the fall." "Yeah." "It's just this new way to help you get into school this fall." "You wouldn't be interested." "Wait." "This can actually help me get into school?" "Yeah." "Just a little bit will really help you concentrate on your studies." "Plus, you could sell it and save all that money for college." "Just an ounce of it will get you up to $100." "$1 oo?" "!" "Wow, that would help me pay for all my books and stuff." "Yeah, it could help you pay for all your books and stuff." "$1 OO an ounce." "Wait a minute." "What's that gonna cost me?" "Oh, for you, we have two vans full of it over there for free." "For free?" "!" "That's great!" "And remember, it's called crack." "Crack?" "Yeah." "C-R-A-C-K, crack." "Here's a pager if you need any more." "Wow." "Guys, wait." "I just -- l just want to say this is a blessing." "I don't know if you notice, but things have been kind of rough around here." "Holding down three jobs, got a baby girl coming in May, I just wasn't sure how I was gonna make it, but...." "This is really gonna help me get my life back on track." "So, thanks, guys." "Thank you." "Hey, just doing what we can." "Here to help." "Thanks, guys." "Have a good day." "Oh, by the way, there aren't any up-and-coming" "Martin Luther King Jr. types we should know about, are there?" "[ Baby crying ]" "What is it, baby?" "What's going on?" "Nothing?" "!" "Nothing's going on?" "!" "Thank you!" "See, I was asleep in the other room and would have had no idea that absolutely nothing is going on in here unless you alerted me to the fact." "Hold on, I'll get your mother." "Hey, honey!" "Get in here!" "The baby wants us to know that nothing is going on!" "Nothing going on?" "That is remarkable news, baby!" "Both of you, wait right here." "Hang on." "Oh, nothing." "Thanks, baby." "I'll cherish this forever." "Well, if it's all right with you now, baby, I'm gonna go back to sleep." "You be sure to let me know the very next time that absolutely nothing happens though, okay?" "Come, Harold, let us give thanks to the Lord for blessing us with such a vigilant little infant." "[ Grunting ]" "Damn it!" "Oh, God, Tank." "What are we gonna do?" "Majesto is getting away!" "There's nothing to do." "What?" "What do you mean there's nothing to do?" "Well, he's tied us to chairs and threw us out of a plane." "We gotta think!" "We gotta think of a way to get out of this." "There's no way out of this situation." "He tied to us to chairs, and on top of that, he threw us out of an airplane." "Checkmate." "Game over." "So you're just gonna give up?" "Listen, lady." "Even if somehow I could magically be untied from these ropes, we're still falling from an airplane." "What about that parachute that got sucked out of the plane when they opened the door?" "That's way over there." "I can't believe you." "Not half an hour ago you drove a convertible off a bridge, leapt out, and managed to grab hold of the rungs of an enemy helicopter." "And you said the coolest funniest thing when you did it." "What was it that you said?" "You rung?" "Yeah!" "That was incredible!" "Why don't you do something like that right now?" "Well, I had a convertible." "There was a helicopter there." "This situation..." "Chairs nothing to do." "Maybe we can kick and waggle our arms to swim over to the parachute." "[ Laughs ] You said waggle!" "You've been Yellow-Mustarded!" "When is your stupid fucking show gonna leave our town?" "It is a sentiment that has been voiced frequently here in Rapaport for quite some time." "The cultural phenomenon that is the show" ""You've Been Yellow-Mustarded"" "has been renewed for its fourth season and garnered its third consecutive Emmy." "Yet, despite the shows success and popularity the program refuses to leave this sleepy hamlet." "It was all fun and games at first." "Hell, I had a laugh." "It's been four years now." "They got everyone in town multiple, multiple times." "Well, the whole thing started a while back when we offered the movie networks and the TV studios a 400/o tax rebate to shoot here in Rapaport." "It's been kind of dead here job-wise since the motor plant shut down a while ago, so we thought, hey, it might boost the economy and the morale a bit." "But it didn't." "Because the only show that came here was the Goddamn mustard program." "Excuse me, sir." "Our car is making odd sounds." "Could you help us out?" "It's not funny anymore." "The reason this show will never not be funny is that it's real!" "These are real people -- they're not actors " "And they're really getting yellow-mustarded!" "Chad Orwell is the award-winning executive producer behind "You've Been Yellow-Mustarded."" "These are not actors." "These are your everyday, run of the mill ma and pa, salt of the earth, dumb as doorknobs backbones of America!" "I don't think he respects Rapaport, and I don't think he respects the people of Rapaport." "I think he sees us as lust a bunch of small-town people to dump mustard on." "And he keeps going on and on about how the reactions are so real." "Well, they're real because we're mad!" "We're just mad, and we want it to stop!" "And it's not even like we're surprised anymore anyway." "We're all expecting it." "Can I get a hot dog?" "Sure." "Do you want any ketchup or mustard with that?" "Oh...." "Never mind." "Never mind." "Oh, no, no, no." "I'm not one of those mustard guys." "The people of Rapaport have caught on to the prank a little bit, so to keep the show fresh, we have to keep upping that ante and, you know, really think of ways to get them when they least expect it." "[ Woman screams ]" "What the hell?" "!" "You know, for every complaint that we get, there's also 1 O,OOO people out there who really love this show." "And I also think that somewhere deep down, the people of Rapaport love this show, too." "Besides, not many people know this, but yellow mustard is actually very good for the skin." "Oh, that's right." "We actually no longer use yellow mustard on the show." "Turns out it was actually a lot cheaper to just use yellow ink." "Yeah, I remember the day they made that switch." "That was horrible in a whole other kind of way." "It's great." "And this is the first time that I'm announcing it, but the network has just signed a ground-breaking deal that renews "You've Been Yellow-Mustarded"" "for an unprecedented five additional seasons." "So, we're gonna be here in Rapaport, Michigan for a very, very long time." "Five more years?" "Why doesn't anybody help us?" "We try to write letters to family and friends, but you know how the post office is always getting mustarded, and we'd call somebody for help, but you know how the show is, with taking our phones away and all." "ANNOUNCER: rhey were five of the roughest convicts the state had ever seen." "You boys are in a chain gang!" "On the run from the law." "With nowhere to hide." "Until they found their way out of the frying pan.. ." "...and into the fire." "Oh, good." "You're the new teachers." "Shut your traps or I'll cut each one of your fucking heads off!" "You got that, cholos?" "[ Children begin to cry ]" "We can't teach those kids." "We're just gonna teach them what we know." "Let's say Cleveland Steve from cell-block D just got this fine new ladyboy for a cell-mate." "And let's say he's offering 20 minutes with this little punk for two packs of Newports." "Then how much would it cost for us to get 10 minutes with this little trick boy?" "One pack of Newports?" "Very good, Natalie." "No hole for you today." "They're bringing the big house.. ." "What's with the underwear, kid?" "Bobby gave me a wedgie at recess." "Oh, he did?" ".. .to the schoolhouse." "Die, snitch!" "Kindergarten Cons." "The other day Steve did the funniest thing." "I asked him to go to the store...." "You didn't!" "l did!" "I asked him to go pick up some milk, and you would not believe what he came back with." "I couldn't begin to imagine." "Diet Milk?" "Milk!" "Oh!" "I can't believe it!" "I know!" "You are so cute!" "Yeah." "Our lives should be, like, a sitcom!" "I know!" "It could be about two couples that are best friends and every week they meet to talk about the crazy things that are happening in their lives!" "And one of the couples is thinking about getting a doggy!" "Scratch that." "Both couples are thinking about getting a doggy!" "No!" "Yes!" "No!" "l know!" "Oh!" "Our doggies should get married!" "That would make us...." "Grand-doggiiiiieeees!" "[ Screams ]" "Hmm." "Awkward." "Wow." "Table monster." "Table monster?" "Yeah." "Table monsters get people all the time." "So anyway, what color are you gonna dye your puppy?" "Oh, well, I hadn't really thought about it yet." "Really?" "Just kidding!" "I'm gonna dye it rose velvet." "But velvet's not a color." "I know, but it should be." "Yeah." "I'm gonna go and try and take a shit." "So, are you gonna make your doggy go to church?" "Every Sunday." "We could carpool!" "Yeah!" "Hey!" "What's up, dude?" "What the hell, man?" "Yeah, sorry, dude." "It's just like... the two of them in there at once, they're just -- l just can't, man." "So you just leave me in there and you fake your own death?" "You know, I did this a while ago." "I, like, made up this table monster thing and Debbie, like, totally believes whatever, so...." "Really?" "She doesn't ask questions when you both go home together or later on at home?" "No, dude." "Debbie does not think about that kind of shit." "A while back, I told her I was off to the woods to, like, fight ghosts or something for two weeks at a time, and she just said, "Good luck " and then packed me lunch." "Really?" "Yeah, dude." "I got this other apartment on the other side of town and just head over there and get ripped all the time." "It's sweet." "W ow." "l know." "I'm heading over there now, actually." "I'm gonna listen to some mixed tapes I made in high school and do a shitload of bro-caine." "You wanna come?" "More than anything." "But uh, you know, I gotta get back to dinner." "Dude, just get in there, table monster that shit, and we can bounce." "I don't care. I'll say it." ""The Loveliest Bride" was the best movie ever made!" "Oh, I know!" "That bride was so lovely!" "I laughed and I cried, and I cried, and I cried, and I cried, and I cried, and I cried, and I cried...." "l know!" "For weeks!" "Hey, what are you two girls talking about?" "Whoa!" "Whoa!" "Whoa!" "Ohh!" "[ Screams ]" "Oh!" "Table monster!" "That was no table monster!" "What?" "Look." "[ Gasps ]" "Table monsters don't sound like that." "Table monsters sound like:" "Guuuaargh!" "Frank!" "Did you try to fake your death at this nice restaurant?" "Whoa!" "Whoa!" "Whoa!" "Whooaa!" "Frank, no." "Ah!" "Fuck!" "Fuck!" "Ah!" "Connie!" "Cocaine, dude?" "What's up?" "We should go back to my place and play and watch MASH all night long!" "Well, I was supposed to go to work tomorrow, but not anymore!" "Whoo!" "Hey, hey." "You know, I heard that there are all these ghosts in town, and I should probably go and kill them, right?" "Fuck!" "Ah!" "Girls' night!" "Girls' night!" "Girls' night!" "Girls' night!" "Girls' night!" "Ahhh!" "Ahhh!" "Whoo!" "Whoo!" "Ah h!" "Ah h!" "Whoo!" "Whoo!" "Whoo!" "Girls' night!" "Girls' night!" "Girls' night!" "[ Screaming ]"