"# Music #" "She was the first girl to see me naked." "Granted, we were seven years old at the time, but I had a feeling even then." "There's really something about the first girl you play doctor with." "Maybe it's cosmic or something, or perhaps it's just that she's seen your package and didn't run away screaming." "Whatever it was, Allison and I were made for each other." "A perfect fit." "So when her family moved away, I knew that someday, somehow... fate would bring us back together." "Berke?" "Berke Landers?" "It's me, Allison." "Allison McAllister?" "Of all the lunch rooms in all the schools in all the world, that day she walked into mine." "It was the perfect romance." "I was dating the most beautiful girl in school." "And the cool part?" "We still played doctor." "For the first time in my life I was in love, and I knew it would last forever." "Boy, was I a dumb-ass." "We need to talk." "Um, you know, everything in life, e-even the really great things, run their course eventually." "Right?" "Trends fade, bread molds, people die." "Uh-huh." "[Sighs]" "I guess..." "Remember the first time we kissed?" "The feeling, the sparks?" "Yeah." "Well, now, when we kiss, the feeling, it's... it's kind of... it's kind of gone." "Oh, and Berke?" "I packed up most of your stuff." "I thought it'd be easier." "Thanks." "# Music #" "# Love #" "# Love will keep us together #" "#Think of me, babe whenever #" "# Some sweet-talkin' girl comes along #" "# Singin' a song #" "# Don't mess around you just gotta be strong #" "#Just stop 'cause I really love you #" "# Stop I been thinkin' of you #" "# Look in my heart and let love #" "# Keep us together #" "#You belong to me now #" "#Ain't gonna set you free now #" "#When those girls start hangin' around #" "#Talkin' me down #" "# Hear with your heart and you won't hear a sound #" "# 'Cause I really love you #" "# I been thinkin' of you #" "# Look in my heart and let love #" "# Keep us together #" "#Whatever #" "#Young and beautiful #" "# Someday your looks will be gone #" "#When the others turn you off #" "#Who'll be turnin' you on #" "# I will, I will, I will #" "# I will #" "# Be there to share forever #" "# Love will keep us together #" "# I said it before #" "#And I'll say it again #" "#While others pretend #" "# I need you now and I need you then #" "# 'Cause I really love you #" "# I been thinkin' of you #" "# Look in my heart and let love #" "# Keep us together #" "#Whatever #" "# I will, I will, I will #" "Aaaaaah!" "[Berke] My parents, Frank and Beverly," " they host the relationship advice show Love Matters, - 1 [Studio Audience Applauding]" "Which sounds pretty cool..." " This maximizes the pleasure for both parties." " Exactly." "Right." "[Beverly] And simultaneously allowing for face-to-face intimacy." "[Frank] Coolio knows what we're talking about." " Wanna take her for a spin?" " Huh?" "Here are the C.D. S you wanted." "Oh, thanks, honey." "The guests get so cranky when you haven't heard their music." "You came home so early last night." "Don't make it too flat." "Is everything okay with Allison?" "No, not really." "So maybe we can talk about it..." "Berke, you know the rule." "When we're not feeling sunny, we..." " I don't really want to talk about it here." " I believe the word is share." "Frank, hon, apparently Berke has a problem with Allison." "What's the story, dude?" "A little snafu in the old channels of communication?" " Boundary issues?" " Codependency?" "No, i-it's nothing like that." " [Floor Manager] Five minutes, people." " [Parents] Sex." "She dumped me." " Darling." "[Studio Audience]" " Aww!" "[Woman In Audience] Ohh!" "You poor baby!" "This probably isn't the best place to talk about this." "[Audience Applauding]" "[Scratching, Hip-Hop] #You got to be insane #" " It's gonna be fine, man." " It's gonna be better than fine." "I mean, look at all this new and interesting..." "Hey, grabby hands." "Step away from the sister." "What am I, a year younger than you?" "Not than anybody could tell from your birthday presents..." "pink roller blades." " It was a great gift." " Sure." " Can I help you?" " Huh?" " Uh... no." " Come on, Basin." " A guy in the corner says he'll pierce our navels for free." " What?" "Okay, he's here." "He's here." "So?" "So, I told him I was going out of town, Maggie." "He's gonna freak when he finds I'm here." "Al, you're a free agent now." "Don't you think he needs to start dealing with that?" "You should've seen the look on his face." "He was devastated." " It's gonna take him a while to get over this." " Allison?" "Are you sure you're over this?" "Allow me." "Who was that?" "Ouch." "Is this, like, your first time in the States?" "Well, uh..." "Lucky, right?" " [Giggling] - [Giggling]" "Are you guys listening to this candy-ass?" "My father's in the foreign service, so I've spent the last few years abroad..." "Shanghai, Ludwigshafen." "When I was in Amsterdam, I toured with a little pop group called the Swing Town Lads." "[Girls Gasping, Chattering]" "I knew he looked familiar." "What's up with this accent?" "He sounds like Madonna." " She's here." " Who, Madonna?" "No." "Allison." " Ohh!" " It's perfect." "No, no, no, no, no, no, no." "You are not going over there." "You go over there, you might as well put your stick on a cracker." "It's only gonna make you her bitch." "You don't want that." "It's bad!" "Felix, I've taken pisses longer than your last three relationships." " Ohh!" " Oh!" "Right you are." " Thank you." " You okay?" "Yes." "Yeah." "I think so." "Yes, well, it's a tad rough and tumble out there." "Glad I was here to catch you." "I'm glad you were too." "[Gasps]" "She's not your girlfriend anymore, man." "Maybe that's not such a bad thing." "I mean, next year you guys'll be going to different schools." "What were you gonna do, marry her?" " Who marries their high school girlfriend, anyway?" " And don't say Macaulay Culkin." " [Phone Beeping]" " I think I'm gonna call her." "No." "Negative." " [Groans]" " Have some self-respect, man." "You have called her 40 times already." " Get outta my way!" " Oh, shit." "# I, I stand at attention #" "#Whenever you're near You're near #" "# Full speed ahead, girl 'Cause it's clear #" "#That you are my Luv SCUD ##" "[Maggie] He calls himself Striker." " [Allison Giggling] - "Luv SCUD"?" "What did he say when he gave it to you?" "Mmm, I don't know." "He asked me out." "Well, don't be so nonchalant about it, girl." "I think that boy is razor fine." " Don't..." "Don't..." " #And the way you look I understand #" "#That you aren't impressed #" "# I heard you let a little friend of mine #" "#Take off your party dress #" "# Oh, Allison #" " #Allison # - [Felix] The neighbors are screaming at you, Berke!" " # My aim is... ##" " Come on, let's go!" "[Crash, Thud]" "[Berke Screams, Whines]" "Berke, your aim sucks." "A little to the left..." "What direction do you think left is?" "If you go with your instinct and reverse it, I think we have something happening." "How difficult is this?" "I-I'm so alone, I think." "I am trying." "You are intimidating me." "Well, you are frightening me!" "How do you get dressed in the morning?" "Do you have people that come in, or do you just lie in state?" "'A Midsummer Night's Rockin'Eve"?" " Classical Shakespeare with a contemporary musical twist." " [Phone Rings]" "Hello?" "Oh, my God!" "How did you get this number?" "[Laughs] Oh, you're kidding!" " Either that man has no taste, or he completely hates us." " I think it's a little of both." "Lazario, how's that lobotomy workin' out for you?" " Asi, asi." " So what's with the smiling?" "A week ago you were mired in rejected drunk-guy mode." " You pass the final, or what?" " No, I got a 57." " Ouch." " [Striker] Hello, ladies." "[Felix] I'm sorry, man." "That's gotta suck." "No, just a mild annoyance." "See?" "Yeah!" "There you go." "If she wants to screw around with that clown, let her." " Right?" " Yeah, for now, anyway." "What's that supposed to mean?" "Well, if I'm gonna lose Allison, it's not going to be to a turd like that, right?" "[Whistle Blows]" " Obviously there's something about the guy Allison likes." " Yeah, obviously." "[Coach] Fancy moves, Crazy Legs." " In your face." " God, there he is again." "I don't know how you could take someone seriously with an accent like that." "Berke, face it, man." "You're screwed." "I don't think so." "I think I can take this backstreet bitch." " [Chuckles] - [Whistle Blows]" " [Girl] Ohh!" " [Boy Laughs]" "Nice trick, Landers, catching the ball with your face." "Next thing you know, you'll be shooting three-pointers with your ass." "[Sighs] Berke." "Berke, stop." "Berke!" " Will you let me look at it, please?" " Just go back to practice." "Berke, talk to me." "I just don't understand how you can replace me with this guy." "Berke, no one... can replace you, you know." "It's just... time to move on." "So, everything's just going great with this... this Striker?" "No, i-it's just... different, you know, I mean..." "He's not like other guys our age." "You know?" "He's sophisticated and..." "We're even gonna try out for..." "for the spring musical together." "You hate theater." "No, I don't." ""Captain of the fairy band," "Helena is close at hand."" "I'm understanding about every other word of this shit." " Berke." " Hey." " What happened to your face?" " A long story." "A Midsummer Night's Dream?" "What, are you gonna try out for the show?" "Kinda, sor..." "Maybe." "Well, you know, if you're serious about it, I'm kinda good at that stuff." "Really?" "Have you heard her songs?" " She's only like the next Josie Mitchell." " Joni Mitchell." "I-I could actually use some help." "So, tomorrow, coffee?" "Okay." "Coffee would be great." " Okay." "Bye." " Bye." "[Giggling]" ""If you're serious, I'm kinda good at that stuff."" " Shut up!" " "Shut up!" [Gasps]" " Did you see Dennis staring at me again?" " Oh, I know, totally." "Okay, so the first thing we need to do is pick you out a monologue for your audition." "Yeah, this is good." "Lysander, right?" "[Rapidly] "She sees not Hermia." "Hermia sleep thou there..."" "No, wait, you can't, like, run all the words together." "It doesn't work like that." "But that's okay." "We'll start from the beginning, okay?" "It's kind of hard to understand, but once you get into it the story's actually kind of good." "So, Hermia, this girl here, she's very rich and beautiful, and she lives with her overbearing parents in Athens." "Hermia has everything a girl could ask for... cool clothes, nice complexion and her pick of pretty much any guy she wants." "But, of all the guys in the greater Athens area," "Hermia's heart belongs to the handsome young nobleman Lysander." " [Horse Whinnies]" " This would all be perfect if it weren't for Demetrius." "Hermia's father already promised her hand to him, and he's just as charming and handsome as Lysander..." "maybe even more so." "Not to mention, Demetrius will stop at nothing to make Hermia his bride." "This pretty much leaves Lysander screwed." "All right." "Got it." "Uh, you make it, uh, very easy." "We just started." "Kelly, I'm not exactly trying to win an Oscar here." "I'm just trying to get my girlfriend back." "Thanks." "Hi!" "How are you?" "Hi, new faces." "How are you today?" "I'm Dr. Desmond Forrest-Oates, fine arts chair and all that hoopla." "The purpose of these proceedings... is to separate the wheat from the chaff." "And I think we might be amazed that among us is a new, glimmering star, our school's next..." "Well, our next Peter Wong." " [Kids Chattering, Scoffing]" " Hey, Petey." "Cool shirt." "For those of you who don't make the cut, I beg you, don't despair." "There's always stage crew." " And if you've ever had a conversation with a crew member, - [Farting]" "You know how much fun that can be." "I'm kidding, I'm kidding." "I couldn't resist it." "You egg me on, is the problem." "All right, the procedure is gonna be very, very basic." "We're gonna start with the singing audition." "So loosen up those diaphragms, kiddies." "It's time to impress." "[Falsetto, Soprano] #Where the bee sucks there suck I #" "[Basso] # On the bat's back I do fly #" "#Take a look #" "# Here I am #" "# Can't you see #" "# One simple smile from you could #" "# Let your heart be your guide #" "# I'll show you love #" "# If you take a look #" "#At the girl inside ##" "Oh, that was... that was fun." "Who's the composer on that?" "Me, actually." "I'm sorry, were you... were you expecting applause and that?" "This is an audition, not T.R.L." " [Forrest-Oates Chuckles]" " I... know that." "Who's next?" "Bentley Scrumfeld." "One of the original Swing Town Lads, if I'm not mistaken." " I see you know your boy groups, sir." " I follow the popular arts." "To me, they're so dope." "If you don't mind, I'd like to accompany myself." "Ah." "Put that down." "Thank you." "This one's kind of a personal favorite of mine." "[Girls Giggling, Sighing]" "# Oh, it's so funny #" "#Take off your party dress #" "[Gasps, Whispers] Oh, my." "[Girls Murmuring, Chattering]" "[Guttural Whisper] True." " Very nice, Mr. Striker." " [Girls Cheering, Shouting]" "That is very impressive indeed." "That's, that's..." "Wow." "Well, if there's no one else..." " Wait." " [Girl] What?" " May I help you?" " Berke Landers." "I'm here to audition." "[Forrest-Oates] Ah." "Berke Landers." "Goody for me." "Uh, I'd like to read a monologue by Oberon in the third act." "I can't wait to hear it." "But first I need to hear your singing audition." "Excuse me?" "The procedure, Mr. Landers, is that we sing first and read later." "Uh..." "[Chuckles]" "Jessica, could you help me here?" "L-l-l-l-I'm sinking in quicksand, unfortunately, at this point." " Sing first, read later." " Sing first, read later." " Any song?" " Any song you want." "[Whispering] # Kiss a little longer Make it last a little longer #" "Projection, Mr. Berke!" "Projection." "# Kiss a little longer #" " # Stay close a little longer # - [Students Groaning]" "# Hold tight a little longer #" "# Longer with Big Red #" "#That Big Red freshness lasts right through it #" "[Girls] #Your fresh breath goes on and on #" "[Berke, Girls] #While you chew it #" "# Make it last a little longer #" "# Give your breath long-lasting freshness #" "#With Big Red ##" "[Phone Rings]" " Yeah." " [Berke] What's going on?" "Oh, nothing." "I'm just watching Chester screw the rubber tree." "Is that some kind of expression?" "No, no, no." "My aunt's dog is staying with us for a couple of weeks." "Apparently, he's got some sort of hormonal imbalance." "Wow, uh..." "Is Kelly there?" " What?" " Kelly." "Your sister." "Is she there?" " Why?" " 'Cause she did a favor for me today." " Just put her on, okay?" " Okay." "Hold, please." "Berke Landers." "Since when do my friends start calling you?" "Since today." " Hey." " [Berke] So, how was I?" "You were really..." "[Sighs] okay." "Sorry." "I thought you knew about the singing." " Oh, minor detail." " You were cute." "You wanna tell Allison that?" "Well, I hope you get in the play." " What?" " Felix." "I can hear you breathing!" " Hello?" " [Click, Dial Tone]" "[Jessica] All right, everyone, coming through!" "Out of my way!" "Part!" "Please!" "Excuse me." "Thank you." " Okay, ev..." " All right!" " [Jessica] Ow!" " Demetrius!" "Yes!" " Congratulations, fair Hermia." " You're kidding." " I knew you'd get it." " [Screaming]" "All right, people!" "This play is gonna rock!" "Chorus?" "Oh, you've gotta be shitting me." "Helena?" "Oh, my God!" "[Squeals]" "Good news?" "Sorry, I just..." "I really had my heart set on that part." "That's..." "That's good." "Look." "There's you." "Oh, yeah." "Well, let's hope Attendant #3 doesn't have any songs." " Felicitations, Miss Woods." " Thank you so much." " It's the lead role." " I know." "Me thinks thou best not botch it!" "[Forrest-Oates Giggles]" "I remember what the wonderful Bobby De Niro once said to me." "Well, not to me." "I read it in an article." "It was considering landing the big roles, and what he said was," ""Just because God blesses you... does not mean there isn't another sneeze coming."" "Anyway, see you at Thursday's rehearsal." "You too." "Uh, Dr. Forrest-Oates, that's... that's kinda gonna be a problem." "See, next week we've got all the basketball play-offs." "Now, let me tell you something, bub." "This is your theatrical debut!" "I want you to take it seriously!" "I want you to give it half the dedication... just half... that I gave my own." "To be or not to be." "That ees the question." "[Audience Cheering, Faint]" "Oh, those were the salad days." "Although these are good." "Thursday." "None of this." "Jock head." "Let's go, Jessica." "Why are you..." "Come on, come on, come on." "Excuse me." "I'm a teacher." "Thanks." "[Whistle Blows]" "Let's go!" "Let's go!" "Where are you goin', Landers?" "Landers!" "So, in summation, Lysander loves Hermia, who loves Lysander but is betrothed to Demetrius, who in turn is the object of Helena's affection." "[Laughing] Now do you see the fun of it?" "It's just all hell done break loose." "Mickey Rourke said a wonderful thing about having fun." "He was at some big soiree that Liza Minnelli was throwing..." "Mr. Landers, how nice of you to join us." "And thanks for not showering." "What a super instinct." "The secret to all this, you see, is that our four young lovers... are not as in control of their romantic destinies as they think." "Because in the woods we have what?" " Fairies." " Fairies!" "Fairies!" "Spirits!" "Spirits." "[Forrest-Oates Giggles]" "Specifically, Titania, Oberon and Puck." " Little Steve." " Steven." "Who delight in manipulating their human counterparts... for sport." "It really is fun to see a bunch of fairies being played..." "[All Laughing]" "Holy shit, Little Steve, you've got wings!" " Well, you got fairy dust coming out of your ass." " Let's stir up some trouble." "O fair Hermia, thou art so incredibly hot and stuff." " Hey, Red, follow us." " You can't see us, but you'll do what we say." "Suckers." "[Laughing]" "Yo, dude, somebody's scamming' on your chick." "Time to kick some ass." "Heh heh heh!" "Demetrius, what say you?" "Relent, sweet Hermia, and you, Lysander." "Yield thy crazed title to my certain right." " On guard." " What?" "There's no sword fighting in this play." "Well, now there is." "[Both Grunting]" "Off you go." "Ohh!" "[Whinnies]" " [Hermia Laughs] - [Demetrius Groans]" " [All Laughing]" " When it rains, it pours." "Mr. Landers!" "[Chuckles]" " [Students Laughing]" " Are we having R.E.M.?" "Musical Shakespeare?" "Calling my sister?" "She's helping me out." " My sister?" " Yeah." "She knows what she's doing." "Whatever." "Berke, this isn't about her." "This is about you running after Allison, and I'm sorry, but it's bullshit." "See you out there." "That's it." "We gotta find our boy somebody, quick." "You don't just arbitrarily replace someone's soul mate." "Look at that old lady from Titanic." "She ain't never gon' get over that." "I'm not just talking about anybody." "You still take shop with Dora Lynn Tissdale, right?" "Yeah." "Last week she nearly took out half the class with a nail gun." "So she's a bit clumsy." "Thanks to good old Dora Lynn, Dickie Bergwell has to take a crap standing up." "Dennis, we're not asking her... to build an apartment complex, are we?" "What makes you think she's gonna do it?" "That's your problem, all right?" "I'll take care of Berke." "Dennis heard it firsthand." "The girl's completely into you." "No, that's bullshit." "Why would I make this up?" "I'm presenting you here with a golden opportunity." "The Stanley Cup of blind dates." "New Zealand's gift to Rosner High." "I mean, those eyes, that mouth, the rack." "[Berke] Aren't you forgetting something?" " Ohh!" " [Felix] Okay, she's a little accident prone." "[Berke] The girl's a walking disaster zone." "Wherever she goes, bad shit happens." "[Girl] Oh, my God!" "[Berke] I mean, weird bad shit happens." "She missed six years of high school." " She was in a coma, for Christ's sake." " [Groans]" " Berke, she's beautiful." " Yeah." " She's built." " Yeah." "And apparently she's totally willing to lower her standards, so I really don't see anything wrong with this." "It's your turn to get the ball." "I'm not getting the ball." "You get the ball." "[Whines]" "Hey, uh, Dora Lynn?" "Dora." " Kinda got this favor to ask you." " [Yelling]" " Favor?" "What kind of favor?" " [Yelling Continues]" " [Girl] Just roll!" " [Fire Extinguisher Spraying]" "Berke, don't be nervous." "I'm here because I want to be." "Me too." "We never really had a chance to talk." "Well, that had a lot to do with the fact that I was busy with Allison... and you kinda had your hands full with the whole, uh..." " Coma thing?" " Yeah." " Yeah." " Yeah." "You know, Berke, it's all about new beginnings." "That stuff about me being bad luck?" "Ancient history." "I'm moving on with my life, and you're moving on with yours." "Sorry." "Would you excuse me for one minute?" "I kinda have to..." " Pee?" " Yeah." " Okay." " okay." "Waitress, can I have some more tea?" "I love this song!" "Aaah!" "Tits!" "Whoa!" "Ohh!" "[Spits]" "[Patrons Gasping]" " ## [Dissonant Chord]" " Ohh!" "Ohh!" "Ohh!" "Ohh!" " [Fire Alarm Bell Ringing] - [Shouting In Japanese]" "Check, please!" "# I'm dreaming of a boy #" "#A very special guy #" "# I wish that I could pluck #" "#A fairy from the sky #" "#To cast a spell upon my pride and joy #" "# I'm dreaming of a very special boy ##" "Time." "Time." "[Chuckling] It's just not very good." "I could lie to you, but I would do you a disservice, because it's just bad." "You've got to commit." "[Belting] # I'm dreaming of a boy A very special guy #" "And then, "I wish that I could pluck!" Pluck!" "I wanna see you pluck it!" "You know what I mean?" "We'll talk about it later." "Enter Theseus." "Now, attendants, a rogue suitor... is spooning with the master's daughter." "Well, this is totally scandalous." "You must look shocked, amazed." "Let's see you look shocked." "I said shocked, Mr. Landers, not constipated." "[All Laughing]" "Oh, my dear God." "Go, Del." "Go bid the huntsmen." "Wake them with their horns." "Hold it." "Yes, um..." "Um, you'd tell me if you'd had a stroke." "What?" "What?" "Are you lost?" "Um, no, actually, I signed up for stage crew and I..." "Stage crew?" "Then shouldn't you be over there?" "[Moaning]" "Oh, right." "My lord, I shall reply amazedly." "Half sleep, half waken, I came with Hermia hither." "Our intent was to be gone from Athens, where we might, without the peril of Athenian law, be wed." "Ah-ah-ah." "Save it for show night, Wong." "Sorry, Striker." "# Music / Sound #" "[Groans]" " [Grunts] - [Gasps]" "But if some stranger had dazzled his way into my ex-girlfriend's fancies," "I'd probably be doing the same thing." "Only I'd have a bigger part." "You dropped your sword." " Substitution." " Sorry, sir." "There was a big accident." "You are so lucky I am not Bobby Knight." "We got play-offs next week, and you've got an obligation to the team." " Now get out there." " Yes, sir!" "[P.A. Announcer] Berke Landers!" "[Boy] Hey, Landers!" "Nice ass!" "I'm gonna go now." " [Berke] I'll see you guys later." " Have a good night." "## [Piano]" "Don't stop because of me." "Sorry." "I just never get to play a real piano at home." "So, you've been a busy guy lately." "Yeah, dating a pyromaniac, showing my ass in public." "Well, it's all in the name of love, right?" "Right." "Play me something." " No." " Come on." "It sounded good." "I'm embarrassed." "I love writing songs, but it... [Sighs]" "What's the problem?" "Well, you were at the audition, Berke." "Forrest-Oates hated my song." "Well," "I admired you for putting yourself out there like that, and, uh, you know, for whatever it's worth," "I thought it was a really nice song." "Thanks." "This is a song I wrote." " ## [Picking Out Notes] - # B, C #" " # D, E, F, G #" " Oh, God!" "[Giggles]" "Bring it on." "[Together] # H, I, J, K, L-M-N-O, P ##" "## [Continues, Full Chords]" "Show-off." "[Phone Rings]" " Berke." " Hey, Felix." "How do you feel about half-naked women?" "Suffice to say, Dennis and I, we discussed it... and decided that this is exactly what you need." "[Woman On Loud speaker] We have a very special guest with us tonight, a young man recently jilted by his longtime lady love." "Hey, see you later, Casanova." "Ohh!" "[Laughs]" " [Strippers Chattering]" " Hi." " I got something for you." " Oh, yeah!" " What's that?" " [Woman On Loud speaker] It's Monday Madness, people." "You know what that means." " [Grunts] - [Strippers] Whoo!" "[Laughs]" "Behold my majestic, corseted form!" "Police!" "I want to see some I.D. S, and I want to see them quick!" " Oh, my God!" " Sorry!" "[Patrons, Strippers Screaming, Shouting]" "Hey, can somebody get me down?" "Please?" "[Berke] Jesus, Mother of God!" "I must say, you surprised us, Berke." "It's not every day you get a wake-up call from the cops... saying your son's been pinched in a sex club raid." "That said, your father and I have discussed it..." " And we'd just like to say..." " We are so incredibly proud of you." "What?" "For getting on with your life." "Most kids your age are way ill-equipped to deal with heartache." "But not you, mister." "You got right back on that horse." " Or should I say, suspension harness." " Stop it." "I just got arrested." "Shouldn't you be, like, pissed or something?" "Why?" "Sexual curiosity is perfectly natural." " We just had no idea you were so kinky." " Yeah." "Hey, who's up for frozen yogurt?" "Ooh, sounds good to me." "Well, then again, Berke may want to go home and polish the rocket." "Yogurt's good." "Okay." "Okay, Dennis." " What?" " Bring her up." "[Grunting, Giggling]" "Ladies and gentlemen, introducing prisoner number 6943." "Bravo, Landers, bravo." "You know, you do take a stunning picture." " [Chuckles]" " Striker, I'd be careful about that accent." "You're beginning to sound a lot like Mary Poppins." "Look, I don't know what you're blathering about, but if I were you..." "Hold it, hold it, hold it." " What?" " Are you wearing makeup?" "That's it." " Ooh." " [Striker Grunts]" "Careful, Landers." "I do believe you are trifling with danger." "Who keeps nunchucks in their pants?" " Ohh!" " [Groans]" " [Peter Groans] Jesus!" " Peter Wong is down!" "Look on the bright side, Wong." "You're a singer, not a dancer." "I'll kill you, you ass-kissing, pretentious, swing-town twit!" "This is my theater!" "My show!" "Forrest-Oates is my special buddy!" " That was intense." " [Peter Wailing]" "I know." "I've never seen bone poke through skin like that before." " Everything's going to be fine, according to the paramedics." " [Wailing Continues]" "In fact, Peter will be back on his feet in no time." "[Peter Shrieks]" "Still, in the words of the wonderful Kevin Spacey, the show must go on." "So since curtain is, indeed, in three days," "I'm now accepting offers for volunteers for the role of Lysander." "Ooh-ooh!" " Put your hand down, Little Steve!" " Ooh." "N-No, Striker, you already have a role." "Yes, I know, but I was wanting to nominate someone." "[Chuckling] Oh." "Well, that's very flattering, indeed." "But I don't think a man of 34 can possibly keep up with you youngsters." "Actually, I was referring to..." "Berke Landers." "[Students Murmuring]" "Oh!" "Well, th..." "that's an intriguing... thought." "Any other ideas?" "One I might use?" "Put your hand down, Little Steve!" "He's green, to be sure, but he does demonstrate a certain... enthusiasm." " I'm in." " [Students Gasp]" " You're in?" " Yeah, I'm in." "Jessica, call Domino's." "We'll be here a while." "And keep icing your front bum!" "Swelling continues when you don't ice, and I need you." "Not really." "How many swords do we have?" " Seven." " Eight." " I swear, if Allison doesn't appreciate this..." " Then what?" "Anyway, I've heard you do the dialogue." "You're fine." " Yeah, but what about the singing?" " Well, the music sucks." "Especially my song." "Well, why don't you rewrite it?" "Oh, Forrest-Oates would never go for it." "You're the best one in the play." "You know more about this stuff than he does." "Yeah, but he doesn't see it that way." "Forrest-Oates just cast me as a lead." "He's an idiot, Allison." "My name... is Kelly." " What'd I say?" " Allison." " No, I didn't." " Yeah, you did." " I'm sorry." " Prepare to die." "Maybe y-you shouldn't be playing with that." "Wh..." "Com..." "Put it down." "Put it..." "K-Kelly." "Aaaah!" "We have an 18-year-old white male with an anterior puncture wound to his left arm." " I'm so sorry, Berke." "I thought it was a prop." " I wanna see it." " No, don't look at it." " It's pretty bad, isn't it?" "No, i-it's fine." "Here, listen to me, Berke." "The doctor's gonna fix your arm, I'm gonna help you rehearse, and you're gonna be the best Lysander ever." "Your arm, it's really not that..." "Oh, my God!" "Ohh!" "##" "Felix, it's Kelly." " She's helping me out with the part." " Okay, okay, okay." "Just keep an eye on her, man." "'Cause some of those theater guys, they have this reputation of being kinda..." " Gay?" " See, that's what they want you to think." "[Berke] I'll keep an eye on her." " So, when do your parents leave for this affiliate stuff?" " Uh, today." " Don't even think about it." " What?" "Felix, I can hear your brain planning a party." "No." "I'll see you guys la..." "I gotta get something." " Hey, why is he going into the music store?" " I don't know." "He's probably buying tap shoes or some shit like that, which only further demonstrates my point, my friend." " That man is in dire need of a party." " [Loud Slurping]" " [Knock On Door]" " Yes?" "Hi." "I know you're busy, but I just wanna talk to you for one second." "Oh, Miss Woods, please come in..." "Ohh." " Fun hair clip." " Hmm." "I wanted to talk to you about my song." "Oh, "Pocketful of Dreams."" "I originally wrote that tune for Miss Diana Ross." "I've written a very groovy song!" "I think you'd li..." "Oh!" "That's my hand, buddy!" "Aah!" "Miss Ross!" "Miss Ross!" "Diana!" "Unfortunately, the lawyers got involved, and then bullshit, bullshit, bullshit, bullshit." "And then, uh, the next thing you know..." "Phtt!" "No deal." " It's a great song." "I love singing it." " Oh, it was fun to write." "It's just that I was wondering if you... if you wouldn't mind... if I made a few suggestions." "You've made s-some suggestions?" ""O weary night, abate thy hours."" "Well, I-I just figured, you know, like you said, the song really isn't working." "[Chuckling]" "I'd like you to do me a favor, if you will, Miss Woods." "I'd like you to read this poster and tell me what it says at the bottom." ""No food or drink allowed in the auditorium at any time."" "It says, " 12 original songs by Dr. Desmond Forrest-Oates."" " Oh." "That part." " Yes, that part." "I'll tell you what it doesn't say." "It doesn't say, "Additional lyrics by Little Miss Sassy-Pants."" "You know, some of those lyrics are Shakespeare's." "Ah." "And what was the last tune you hummed from Macbeth?" "Bill Shakespeare is a wonderful poet, but Burt Bacharach he ain't." "[Whispers] I'll go." " Sorry I'm late." " That's okay." " I was just getting lucky." " Chester!" "We need..." "We need to find this dog a date." " [Growls]" " So, uh, how was..." "how was Forrest-Oates?" "A bigger asshole than I thought." " Maybe this will make you feel a little better." " A gift?" "Berke." "First we rehearse, okay?" " Okay." " All right." "[Both] # So that's the girl that I've got to have #" "# I'll tell you why... ##" "## [Keyboard Off]" "It's 21 hours until the play, and I'm actually starting to suck more." "Look, let's just put the songs aside for a second." "We'll work on some dialogue." "We're at the point where Theseus has just woken everybody up." "All right." " Hi." " Hi." "[Both Chuckling]" "Okay, this scene's between you and Hermia." " So pretend I'm Allison, okay?" " Sure." "As difficult as that might be." "No, go ahead." "So Theseus says," ""Go, wake them with their horns."" "And Hermia says," ""Methinks I see things with parted eye, when everything seems double."" "Okay, I got it." "My lord, I reply amazedly, half asleep, half awake." "I came with Hermia hither." " Our intent is to leave Athens..." " Mm-hmm." "Where we may be married." "And then there's the kiss... which is gonna be with Allison." "Right." "But in this case..." "[Phone Rings]" "[Sighs] Shit." " What?" " Hey, let me take a shot in the dark." " Berke's there, right?" " Felix, where are you?" "Big party." "Hey, listen." "Tell Berke he might want to stop by because there's some people who've been asking about him." "We gotta go to your house." " Turnout's not half bad." " Where's Felix?" "Dude, you should really breathe, man." "I mean, you look like you're gonna stroke out." "Look, I'm gonna look for him over here, okay?" "You realize I'm going to kill him." "Felix!" " Felix!" " If it isn't my beauteous co-star." " Have you seen my brother Felix?" " Fair Helena." "So tense." "A few pre-show jitters perhaps?" "Or maybe some love pangs for a certain you-know-who." " You!" " Berke!" "What's up?" " So what do you think, huh?" " What do I think?" "What do I think?" " What are you talking about?" " I don't know what you girls see in this undereducated wank." "Perhaps you can take me out to the veranda... and... edify me." "Shit, it's Striker." " I'll see you at the show." " What the hell is going on?" "Nothing." "Just a bit of tomfoolery." " Felix, I'm handling it." " No, you're being handled by leather pants here." " There's a difference." " I think you better go." "Oh, come on." "Do you really think I'd fool around on Allison?" "You, of all people, should know how damnable that would be." "Where's the grub?" "This way?" "Thank you." "[Grunts] Guys." "Is it just me, or does this punch taste kind of funky?" "There's chunks." "Hi." "I-I've been wondering where you've been." "We have to talk about Striker." "No, no." "You will stop at nothing, will you?" "Allison." "Allison." "[Moaning]" " Striker?" " Allison!" "Maggie." "Allison, I'm-I'm so sorry." "You can all just go to hell." "Hey, you." "[Sighs] Sorry about this whole party thing." "My brother is kind of an asshole." "Kind of?" "I'm seriously considering telling Mom where he keeps his porn." "That was a joke." "Kelly, why do you hang out with me?" "I mean, you probably have better things to do... than to waste your time with a hapless loser." " You're not a loser, Berke." " Allison thinks so." "[Whispers] Allison's an idiot." "I have done... absolutely everything for that girl." "She just doesn't get it." "[Bird Calling]" "I can't do this." "Kelly, I think you're great, but we can't... we can't do this." "You're Felix's little sister." "Screw you." "Kelly, wait a second." "That came out wrong!" " What was that?" " Felix, it's not what you think." " What the hell has gotten into you?" " Aah." "Well, well!" "Why am I suddenly glad we left the conference early?" "I don't recall anything about a party, Berke." "We could have sprung for a deejay." "Make sure and put the furniture back when you're done." "Mom, Dad, Reverend's daughterJudy just took a dump in our pool, and you want to spring for a deejay?" "That's what makes us so fly!" "We trust you." "You're my parents, for God's sakes." "Stop trusting me!" " PoorJudy." " I'll go get the skimmer." "Well, this is pretty interesting." " It was nothing." " Kelly, I was there." "He kissed you, and I don't know why he did it." " Berke's pretty screwed up right now, but..." " Look, I kissed him too." "And yes, he is screwed up and he likes someone else, and it's a problem." "But, Felix, it's my problem." "Look, you'd know I'd be lying if I said I was happy about this." "But, um, if Berke can't see what an amazing person you are, then I'd say that he's the one with the problem." "Good night." "[On Tape] Uh, hey, it's me." "It's Berke." "Just wanted to say thanks for all your help." "The guy at the music store said that songwriters use these things, so..." "If anyone can fix Forrest-Oates' song, it's-it's definitely you." "Just know that I-I believe in you, Kelly." "Um... break a leg." " Hey, let's mess with the mortals one more time." " [Giggling]" "Boyfriend will be trippin' on this." "One more dose for Mr. Morose." "Time for a little wake-up call." "And I'm outta here." "And in the woods, where the scents are sweet, there my Lysander and myself shall meet." "Maybe it's time you started dreaming of someone else." "Berke." "You were my first." "No one's ever gonna replace you." "I've dazzled my way into your ex-girlfriend's fancies." "You were the quintessential high school couple." "She's not your girlfriend anymore, man." "I'm moving on with my life, and you're moving on with yours." " Are we freaking you out?" " Yeah, we're freaking him out." "[Jumbled Voices Speaking At Once]" "[Screams]" "Uh, Dr. Forrest-Oates, the attendants' costumes just arrived." "Thank Buddha." "And, uh, your wife called." "She might not make it to tonight's performance." "Did she say why?" "It was difficult to understand through the slur." "Uh, and, sir?" "There is one more thing." "Del Molden, Jr." "Is sick." "My dance partner?" "Shit." "That's enough out of you, muck mouth!" "Now, apparently he got hold of some tainted fruit punch last night... and won't be able to perform." "Not that it matters at all because the entire production is going down in flames, so..." "[Chuckling] Oh." "That having been said," "I'm curious if anyone feels that they can fill the little booze hound's place." "Good." "Let me ask you this." "Is there anyone who, atall, is good on their feet?" "A shuffle, or a turn, or an attitude of any kind." "With a pose." "Well, uh..." "[Clears Throat]" "Sometimes Coach Hibble calls me Crazy Legs." "Oh, does he?" "Wait." "Wait a second." "All right, maybe if you took a half step back before the spin." "Okay, just follow my lead." "I learnt this from watching in the wings." "Wow!" " Felix!" " Kelly, shouldn't you be getting ready?" "I am." "I'm in makeup." "Listen, I need you to do a favor for me." "[Man] Ladies and gentlemen, please take your seats." "The performance is about to begin." "It's over." "After this one, I'll be directing on the streets." "#All the doo-dah night All the doo-dah day #" "# Bet my money on a bobtail nag #" "# Somebody bet on the bay ## Ohh!" "Hey." "Break a leg." "[Instruments Tuning Up]" "Go ahead, Jessica." "Raise the curtain on the tragedy that has befallen the Bard's greatest comedy." " I'm praying for you, sir." " Thanks." "# Did ya ever read a Shakespeare play #" " # Ooh-ooh # - #And never understand a word they say #" " #Ahh-ahh # - #Well, tonight we're gonna make things clear #" "# 'Cause Shakespeare's dead #" "# But we're all here #" "[Hooting, Cheering]" "#About this chick named Hermia #" "#They said, Hermia please be my girl #" "# In the night the fairies came to play #" "# So tonight we have our fun #" " # 'Cause I love him # - #And I love her #" "# If only her best friend he'd prefer #" "#And so the fairies all hatched a scheme #" "[Gasps]" "Look, there's Helena." "Oh, fair Helena." "Call you me fair?" "That fair again unsay." " Doesn't Kelly look beautiful?" " Mmm." "Demetrius and Lysander love your fair, Hermia." " Oh, happy fair." " [Applauding]" " Yeah, baby." " Do it." "# It's fun to be a fairy and fly from town to town #" "# Our fairy dust will keep you up You won't come down #" "#Yeah, it's fun to be a fairy and wear such pretty things #" "# It's fun to carry love juice on your fairy wings, yeah #" "#What fools these mortals be #" "#That try to play at love and make a comedy, yeah #" "#Why can't these mortals learn #" "#A fairy up above will never crash and burn #" " # It's fun to be a fairy ##" " It's fairy power!" "[Cheering]" "That was, uh..." "That was okay!" "Relent..." "sweet Hermia." "And, Lysander, yield thy crazed title... to my certain right." "You have her father's love, Demetrius." "Let me have Hermia's." "Do you marry him?" "Shit box." " Wanker." " Dickweed." "It's so real, you can almost feel the tension." "Word." "#Whoo-ooh-ooh Why won't you love me #" "#Whoo-ooh-ooh Whoo-ooh-ooh-ooh #" " #There's a girl # - #Who says she don't love me #" " # I'll tell you why # - # She's everything a girl ought to be #" " #And that is why # - # I can't understand #" "#Why she don't love me No #" "# Hermia #" "# I'll make you love me #" "# Hermia #" "# I'll make you care #" "# Never before has a girl #" "# I'm begging Hermia #" "# Please love me #" " Bitch." " Pansy." " Asshole." " [Growls]" "Hmm." "I'll apply to your eye a gentle lover's remedy." "And when thou wakest, thou will takest true delight... in the sight of thy true lover's eye." "Okay, people, we're back in 20." "Berke, Berke, I, um, I want to talk to you about something." " Can we go somewhere?" " Yeah." "Thank you." "Well." " [Sighs] I could use a drink." " Yeah." "Kaisha, you're just not equipped to deal with this." "I'm talking equipment." " Hardware." "We're talking 800 number." " She wants a blow-up doll." "I called them once for advice." "Really?" "Yeah, I had zits on my balls." "They're gone now." "Gentlemen, I'm here for a favor." "In act four, scene one, there's a particular effects cue." "Ah, the Volk Tube Crescendo." "Right." "Is this the one?" "Uh, no." "That one could take out a village." "Hmm." "I see." "Well, I was wondering if you might be able... to detonate it a bit..." "early." "Isn't that before Mr. Lander's cross?" "Look, all it will do is scare him." "I can signal you by raising my sword like this." "Look, about this whole thing with Striker." "I'm sorry I didn't believe you." "I'm sorry you had to find out like that." "It kinda sucked." "Look, I know I don't deserve to ask you anything right now, but... if I could just have one wish, it would be that we could go back to the way things were." "You know?" " I mean, the friends part." " Yeah, sure." "And as for the rest of it, well," "we'll just leave it up to fate." "Did I mention there was $47 in it for you?" "Not bad." "Hmm." "I believe, Mr. Scrumfeld, we have an understanding." "Remember, gentlemen, when I raise my sword." "Hey, the-the music's been, uh, been good, but, uh, you know that song, uh, "Pocketful of Dreams"?" " Down here we call it "Pocketful of Ass."" " Yeah, that's the one." "Listen, there's been a change of plans." "[Bells Chiming]" "Oh, this is different." "A spell had been cast, the lovers sleep, though in repose, fair Helena's love for Demetrius grows." "O weary night, abate thy hours." "Steal me awhile from my own company." "#That you are here #" "#You're mine #" "#And all my fears #" "#Are left behind #" "# I float #" "# On air #" "#The nightingale sings #" "Jessica!" "Jessica!" "#And sleep perchance to dream #" "# So I can see the face #" "# I long to touch #" "#To kiss #" "# But only dreams #" "# Shine softly on the boy #" "# I long to see #" "#And whisper to the evening star #" "#They tell me love #" "# Is just a dream away #" "# Dream away #" "[No Audible Dialogue]" "#And maybe when he dreams #" "# He'll dream of me #" "# Oh-oh-oh-oh #" "# Dream of me ##" "[Man] Whoo!" "Go bid the huntsmen." "Wake them with..." "with their horns." "My lord, I shall reply amazedly, half sleep, half waking." "I came with Hermia hither." "Our intent was to be gone from Athens so we might, without the peril of Athenian law, be wed." "However..." " What?" " "However"?" "My lord, we slept and slept, as well you know." "Things did change, as love did grow." "Although, in ways fair Hermia's soul and mine shall forever intertwine." "Alas, we must forever part, for lo, to another belongs this heart." "[Audience] Ahh!" "[Loud Cheering]" "Wait a second!" "Wait a second." "You can't do that." "You can't just change 400-year-old literature!" " It's not even supposed to rhyme!" " [All Laughing]" " [Scattered Applause]" " Fine." "I could do it too." "I do not like it in a moat." "I do not like it in a boat." "I do not like it in a car." "How's that?" " [Cheering]" " Boo!" "Oh, stop cheering." "Stop cheering!" " Stop cheering!" " Do it now!" " Stop..." "Whoa!" " Oh!" "Ohh-ohh-ohh!" "[Screaming]" " Thanks." " You're welcome." "[Applauding, Cheering Continue]" "What is that?" "It's applause, sir." "Thank you." "Thank you!" "[Shouting] Thank you!" "Oh, my God." "Are you crying?" "No, you're just squeezing my puncture wound." "Mmm." "Make it a little more like this." " You were trying to fly into my seat, weren't you?" " No." " Oh, come on." " Well, maybe just a little." "Oh, see, I knew it." "You're so bad." "I love it." "Oh, just... just hold on for one... second." "I'll be right back, okay?" "So... you and my sister, huh?" " You're not gonna hit me again, are you?" " No." "But I'm not thrilled." "All right, man?" "But if it has to be somebody," "I'm kinda glad it's you." "Thanks." " Hey, Kel." " Hey." "Good job tonight." "You guys were good." "You guys were funny." " Thanks." " Listen, I gotta go." " Oh, you and Dora Lynn." " Yeah." "Aren't you kind of worried about the whole..." "Accident-prone?" "No, no." "I think Dora Lynn's about to have a change of luck." "Go, Felix." "I'll see you guys later." "All right." "Let's get some dim sum." "Bye, Berke." "Oh, my God." "That's okay." "That's fine." "And he blew off that stage 20 feet at least." "And then she took off... like this beautiful spaceship into the night." "Dude, we burned the shit out of his face." "Tomorrow night, same thing." "So my theatrical debut..." "What did you think?" "You came on pretty strong in that last act." "Yeah, I was good." "So, you know, we gotta do this again tomorrow night." "How do you think it's gonna end?" "We could bring back the always popular Big Red song." "I'd rather be shot again with an arrow." "I thought it was a prop." "Yeah, yeah." "[Giggling]" "# Do you remember the 21 st night of September #" "# Love was changing the minds of pretenders #" "#While chasing the clouds away #" "# Hey-yeah, yeah #" "# Our hearts were ringin' #" "# In the keys that our souls were singin' #" "#As we danced in the night Remember #" "# How the stars stole the night away #" "# Everybody, sing #" " # Ba-de-ya Say do you remember # - # Say that you remember #" " # Ba-de-ya Dancing in September # - #Yeah, whoo-ooh #" "# Ba-de-ya Never was a cloudy day #" "#There never There never, yeah #" "# Ba-de-ya, ba-de-ya ba-de-ya, ba-de-ya #" " # Do you feel it Do you feel it # - # Ba-de-ya, ba-de-ya #" " # Hey # - # Ba-de-ya, ba-de-ya #" " # Ooh, ooh-ooh # - # Ba-da-ba-da-yea #" "# Oh, somebody help me sing #" "# My thoughts are with you #" "# Holding hands with your heart to see you #" "# Found the love that we shared in September #" "# Only blue talk and love Remember #" "#True love we share today #" " # Ba-de-ya, ba-de-ya ba-de-ya, ba-de-ya # - # Hey #" " # Ba-de-ya, ba-de-ya, ba-de-ya # - # Do you feel it #" " # Ba-de-ya, ba-de-ya, ba-de-ya # - # Do you feel it, hey #" " # Ba-de-ya, ba-de-ya ba-de-ba-de-yea # - # Oh, bright #" "#The bells were ringing #" "# Our love was singing Mmm #" "# Do you remember #" "# Never a cloudy day #" "# Oh, somebody help me sing #" " # Ba-de-ya Say do you remember # - #Yeah #" " # Say that you remember # - # Ba-de-ya #" " # Dancing in September Ba-de-ya # - # It never rains, rains #" "# Never a cloudy day Ooh-ooh #" " # Sing it Uh, what you say now # - # Ba-de-ya, ba-de-ya #" " # Ba-de-ya, ba-de-ya, ba-de-ya # - #What you say now, ooh #" "# Hey, hey #" "# Come on #" "# Sing it again Yeah-hey-hey #" " # Ba-de-yea # - # Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh #" "# Sing it again Whoa, yeah #" " # Ba-de-ya, ba-de-ya, ba-de-ya # - # Eh, eh, eh, eh #" "# Ba-de-ba-de-yea ##" "Done by (c) dcd / January 2015"