"# Stick a pony in me pocket" "# I'll fetch the suitcase from the van" "# 'Cause if you want the best 'uns but you don't ask questions" "# Then, brother, I'm your man" "# 'Cause where it all comes from is a mystery" "# It's like the changing of the seasons and the tides of the sea" "# But here's the one what's driving me berserk." "# Why do only fools and horses work?" "#" " (L0W WHIRRING N0ISE)" " Oh, come on, Cassandra." "I know you've got studying to do, but can't we just go out for a quick drink?" "You can study when you get home." "Well, you know..." "It's 'cause I like being with you." "I miss you when we're not together." "All right." "I'll tell you the truth." "I'm bored stiff." "That's Albert." "He's got a new spin dryer." "Well, it was new once." "He got it cheap 'cause of the bomb damage." "It's jumping round the kitchen like a Dalek with St Vitus' dance!" "Del?" "No, he's asleep in a chair with his dodgy stomach." "He's still getting them pains." "He's going out later for a vindaloo." "To him, it's a sort of alternative medicine." "I don't want to go out with him for a curry." "It's all right." "I'll just stay in here." "Albert's got that old bird of his coming round." "Elsie Partridge?" "We'll just put on a few Max Bygraves platters and talk about our ailments." "Pity Del's going out - he'd enjoy that." "What?" "Oh, that's very nice of them." "Tell your parents thank you very much and I'd love to come to tea tomorrow." "Seven o'clock." "Yeah, all right." "Great." "What?" "I can't." "Because Del's in the room." "Del?" "Del Boy?" "You know I love you." "Gawd, don't I tell you often enough?" "D'you love me?" "Very funny, Cassandra." "I'm laughing this end, too." "All right." "I'll see you tomorrow." "OK." "Bye." "Here, son." "I got a Chinese takeaway earlier." "I've got fried pork... fried rice and er...fried something." "How can you stand all that heat and steam?" "I'm an old naval stoker." "That's nothing to me." "I remember coming round Cape Horn on this merchantman..." "The things you and your mates got up to!" " A merchantman's a ship!" " Oh!" "It was so hot and steamy in the boiler room, I got shrivelled like a prune!" "So that's what caused it." "I hate you when you're in that sarky mood." "D'you think Del will like all this fried food?" "He's been getting a gyp tummy." " He'll be all right." " I'll get the knives and forks." "(LOW BUZZING)" "Sorry. 'Scuse me." " You all right, bruv?" " Yeah." "How are you feeling?" "T'riffic, Rodders." "Brill." "What's that funny whirring sound?" " Albert's spin dryer." " His what?" "Stone me!" "What are you doing buying all this old junk?" "It's knocking the paint off all the units there!" "It's an investment, Del." "It costs 50 pence to get our clothes dry at the laundromat." "I got it off the bloke upstairs for a score." "You dozy old twonk!" "That's the one I sold him last week for a tenner!" " Why didn't you come and ask me first?" " You were ill." "I'm not ill." "There's nothing wrong with me." "You got that tummy trouble again." "It's not tummy trouble, it's just normal pains." "You flopped straight in that chair with agony." "You don't understand." "That's PMA." "I thought only women got that." "No, Rodney." "That's PMP." "PMA is Positive Mental Attitude." "It's the new buzzword." "It's what us yuppies get." "I laid down on this chair psyching myself up for the challenge of tomorrow." "So why the sweating and holding your belly?" "There's nothing wrong with..." "Rodney, get me the Andrews' liver salts." "I'll get you a plate of Chinese, Del." "Gawd knows what the local takeaways will do when we move." " Move?" " Didn't you see that letter this morning?" "It's from the council housing department." " Yes, I've seen it." "I've read it." " Is it about them letting us buy this flat?" "No, it's not." "It's about them evicting us from this flat." " Evicting us?" "!" " Sshh!" "Keep your voice down." "I don't want Rodney to hear this." "I ain't paid the rent for the last three months." "I knew things were tight, but I didn't know they were that bad." "Things haven't been going well." "All me investments have gone sideways." "Rodney's been down the market trying to flog these exclusive women's fashions, but with all the frost and sleet, nobody's interested in summer dresses." "I've been tucked up on other investments and I just couldn't afford the rent." "You're still drinking pina coladas in the wine bars and eating in the curry houses and bistros." "That's all on the slate." "Anyway, I've got to keep up me image." "Once competitors get an inkling that you're going down the pan, they can't wait to pull the chain on you." "And Rodney hasn't been any help." "I suppose you're right." "Don't worry about it, Del." "Don't worry about it?" "I haven't had a decent night's kip for two weeks." " It's with me all the time." " Something'll turn up out of the blue." " He who dares wins, eh?" " Yeah." "He who dares..." "Ooh!" "You cowson!" "You've gotta see a quack with your belly." "I don't want no doctor." "There's nothing wrong with me." "Don't you get no doctor, Albert." "I don't like doctors." "You could go and see that Scottish quack, Dr Meadows." "He's not like a normal doctor." "He's sort of human." "You can talk to him." "He's like a mate." "I don't want to speak to Dr Meadows 'cause there's nothing wrong with me!" " It's your life, son." " Yes." "I don't wanna hear more about it." "Don't you think Del Boy ought to go to the doctor's?" " Oh, Gawd!" " He won't go to the doctor's, though." " He's terrified of doctors." " I'm not terrified of doctors." "I'm not going 'cause there's nothing wrong with me!" "(HE CLUCKS)" "You're winding me up, Rodney." " You seeing Cassandra tonight?" " No, not tonight." " He's seeing her tomorrow for tea." " Yeah." "Her mum and dad..." "You cunning git!" "You was earwigging my conversation!" ""Of course I love you, Cassandra..." ""I tell you often enough, don't I?"" "That is out of order, Derek." "Oh, stone me!" "It's a cordless phone." "You could have talked somewhere else." "Like where?" "I can't use my bedroom 'cause the walls are so thin and I can't use the kitchen 'cause of R2D2 breakdancing out there!" " You could use the bathroom." " The bath...?" "I cannot hold a romantic conversation surrounded by damp towels," "Del's espadrilles and a bog with no lid!" "Anyway, it's freezing in that bathroom." " You've noticed that as well?" " You can't hardly fail to notice it." "Our bathroom window gets condensation on the outside." " Why do you think that room is so cold?" " I don't know." "Listen, son, you may call me a soppy old sod..." " You're a soppy old sod." " Be serious, Rodney." "Us sailors are superstitious." "It's an affinity with the supernatural." "I think there's a presence in that room." " A presence?" " Yeah." "When you're in the shower, don't you feel there's someone with you?" "Yeah...but there usually is." "Either Del having a shave or you doing your toenails." "That room is cold because it's possessed." "Oh, leave off, Unc." "Elsie Partridge is a medium." "She knows all there is to know about the supernatural." " And she can sense a presence in there." " Blimey." "Blimey!" "Albert!" "It's like a sauna out here." "Come and switch this thing off!" "It's nearly finished, Del." "D'you wanna put anything in it?" "Yes, your head!" " You noticed how cold our bathroom is?" " Yeah, it does get a bit tata in there." "When you're in there, do you ever get the feeling that you're...not alone?" " As if there's somebody in there with you?" " Yeah." " A sort of a strange feeling?" " Yeah." " As if you're being watched?" " Yeah." "No." "Why?" "Do you?" "No." "No." "It's just that Albert reckons it's possessed." "Possessed?" "Do me a favour!" "Give me a few months and it might be re-possessed!" "Elsie Partridge thinks our bathroom's haunted." "Haunted?" "Stop it." "You hurt me." " Elsie Partridge is a medium." " Is she?" "Whip that round to her, then." "That'll fit her a treat." "I don't mean her dress size." "She's a spiritualist." "She can contact the departed." "Most probably where she pulled you!" "She has powers, Del." "She's one of the true communicators." "In the early '60s, she used to hold meetings in the hall above John Colliers." "People came from miles to listen to Elsie." "They paid thousands of pounds for her powers of communication." "There's more to the occult than meets the eye." "Do me a favour!" "No self-respecting ghost is gonna haunt our bathroom!" "Especially after he's been in there!" " Then why is it so cold?" " It could be one of two reasons." "One, as you two say, the Phantom of the Carzey has struck again;" "or it could be the fact that the council put our extractor fan in the wrong way round." "Oh, yeah." "They were supposed to come back and mend that." "Yes!" "Honestly, ghosts and ghouls." "You two slaughter me!" "I suppose the extractor fan could be it." "Thousands of pounds?" " Eh?" " They paid Elsie thousands of pounds." "She never took a penny of it - used to send it to Battersea Dogs' Home." "I bet she wished she'd kept some now." "She's only got her pension." " They still paid her all that money?" " They'd pay a fortune to talk to their..." " No, Del." "She's retired." " Maybe she'd like a part-time job." " Just drop it, eh, Del?" " This means that you were right." " Was I?" " Yes." "You said something would come out of the blue, and this is it!" "Me and Elsie Partridge, what a combination!" "The pensioner with a priceless gift and the successful yuppy who's brassic lint." "We can make a fortune for each other." "I do believe this is God sending me a sign." "Ow!" "Cor blimey!" "Come and sit down, Del." " What can I get you?" " Pina colada with ice." "'Ere, Boycie, can we have a word?" "'Ere, Boycie, can we have a word?" "Yes." "What is it?" "D'you remember that old Cortina you said me and Jevon would never sell?" " What Cortina's that?" " The two-tone one - blue and rust." "Me and Micky sold it the other day." "That Cortina was a death trap." "You should be ashamed of yourselves." " You sold it to us!" " Did I?" "Oh, yes, so I did." "Not a bad little runabout, was it, I suppose?" "So are you and Jevon partners now or something?" " We do a bit of trading." " We specialise in anything." "Pop round my showrooms during the week." "I've got a few old bangers out the back." "Yeah." "Thanks, Boyce." "'Ere." "Would your Marlene be interested in a Crimplene dress with big flowers all over it?" " Of course she wouldn't!" " Shame, 'cause Rodney's got loads of 'em!" "If there's anything else, Mrs Partridge, just give us a shout." " She's here." " Who's here?" "The spiritualist." "I'm having second thoughts about Del using upstairs for this seance." "You don't believe in all that mumbo-jumbo, Michael?" "I don't believe it." "I just don't like taking the chance." "If Elsie Partridge really could raise the dead, half the moneylenders in Peckham would employ her." "It's a load of old tosh." "Only a simpleton would believe in it." "Well, I believe in it." "Say no more." "He still leaves milk and biscuits out on Christmas Eve." "My mum went to a seance once." "She got a message from the other side." "Said she'd meet a tall bald stranger who would alter her fortunes." "Week later, she got mugged by a skinhead." "There you go, Boycie." "There's gotta be something in this supernatural stuff." "My old Gran was a bit of a medium." "A few years after my grandfather died, she made contact with him." " Yeah?" "What did he say?" " Nothing." " Nothing?" " He was dead, weren't he?" "But she'd just made contact across the veil." "But for the last 15 years of his life, they didn't talk to each other." " He kept the row going?" " Yeah." "He was a stubborn man." "They must have been interesting seances." "A mad medium and a spook with the hump." "Hold up." "Here come the Ghostbusters." "Pina colada for me and the usual for everyone else." " Del?" "A word." " All right, Michael." "Coming." " Are you paying for these drinks?" " Don't worry about it, Michael." "This slate of yours is getting out of hand." "Mrs Partridge has had food and drink on your slate." "Don't go on about it." "You've had more cocktails than James Bond and a fried lunch every day - all on the slate." "Gimme a couple of weeks and I'll sort it out." "You've had ten packs of cigars on the slate." "Even the rent for upstairs is on the slate!" "Unless your attitude changes, I shall take my business elsewhere." " Good!" " No, no." "Wait a minute." "Sit down." "I've been sailing the good ship Trotter through a patch of fiscal turbulence." "But as soon as I get Elsie Partridge going, I'll be laughing." "She'll be bringing 'em back to order." "I've worked out a little price list." "What do you reckon?" "Neighbours and family friends, ?" "3." "Relatives, ?" "5." "Spouses and pets, ?" "10, and a score for Elvis Presley." "This time next year, I'll be a millionaire." "And think about you, Michael." "She'll be drawing them in from the four corners." "Not only will you be getting rent from upstairs, but once the show is finished, all the pilgrims will be pouring down here." "Your takings will treble overnight." "You know it makes sense." "What do you reckon?" " Yeah." "I suppose so." " Of course!" " What about this, Del?" " Stick that down." " I'm still a bit worried..." " Oh, leave it out!" "No." "We're dealing with the powers of darkness here." "Are we gonna have tables and chairs flying round the bar?" "No more than a normal Friday night!" " Well, I agree with Mike." " Come on..." "No, no." "We're messing with the supernatural." "No telling what evil forces we might evoke." "Satan could come crashing through the wall." "Pity Rodney put on his best suit!" "This pub was built on the site of a public grave for victims of the Great Plague." "That's all we need, innit?" "Them popping up to celebrate Agincourt." "They'd be covered in boils and scabs." "It'll be like a Singing Detective look-alike contest!" "(THREE LOUD THUDS)" " Sounds like her sign to get started." " It might not mean that." "Either that or she's got cramp in her wooden leg." "Come on, Rodders." "Let's get up there." "Right." "Now, then..." "Elsie, this is only a dummy run, so don't go knocking your pipe out." "The real seance with the punters is not until Tuesday night." "Derek, God gave me the gift to communicate with the next world." "I've never profited by it." "I only want to share it with people." "God gave me the gift of making bunce and I want to share it with you." " You won't say no to a bit of cash." " I suppose not." "Lovely jubbly!" "So everyone's a winner." "Ready when you are, Elsie." "Eyes down for a full house and we're off and running." "Before we start, I'd like to know if any of you have been to a seance before." " I've been to quite a few." " He starred in most of 'em!" " Show some respect!" " It's only a bit of a laugh, innit?" "No, it's not a bit of a laugh." "It's a very serious matter." "All right." "Anything you say, sweetheart." "Before we start, have any of you any questions?" "Yeah." "They don't actually appear in the room, do they?" "You know, the spirits." "Don't worry, Mike." "Just do what you normally do - water 'em down." "There's no materialisation." "They appear to me only because of my gift of paranormal perception." "She's got all the patter." "I can feel a whip round coming on." "Will you shut up for five minutes?" "So we don't actually hear them chatting or what-have-you?" "No." "They speak through me." "I am the receiver, the antenna, the aerial." "Those spirits who wish to communicate will congregate behind you." "So, can they actually foresee the future?" "No." "This is not astrology or fortune-telling." "Though the spirits may give advice or warning which, if acted upon, can alter your future lives." "He was hoping for a tip for the Derby!" "Cut it out, Del Boy." "Let's show a bit of respect." "I think it's time we began." "May I ask you, once contact has been made... refrain from interrupting." "Hands on the table." "Fingers touching." "Concentrate." "(HIGH-PITCHED MOANING)" "What's she doing?" "She's going..."Ooh...!"" "I can see that!" "Why is she doing it?" "She's gone into a trance." "Thank Gawd." "She had one of my pies earlier." "The spirits are with us." "A man has stepped forward - a tall, elderly man wearing a black coat and hat." "He wishes to speak to someone called Audrey..." "No, no." "Aubrey." "Aubrey?" "I am here." " My middle name." " You never said your name was Aubrey." "Nor would you if your name was Aubrey!" "This man seems agitated." "He's brandishing a piece of paper." "Have you any idea who it could be?" "No." "This piece of paper - it's not a log book for a Cortina, is it?" "No." "It's a photograph - a black and white photograph." "It shows this man, but years younger." "There's an odd-looking boy standing beside him - five or six years old." " Evil face." " Boycie, it's you and your dad." "Yeah, that's right." "He was the only one who ever called me Aubrey." "There is a sadness about the photograph - as if something is missing." " Of course." "Your mother isn't with you." " No." " Had she passed over to the other side?" " No, she's taking the photo." "I see." "This man is worried." "He says you must be a good father, you must look after your child." "Is he having a pop at me or something?" "Elsie, Boycie and his wife Marlene can't have kids." "They've been trying for years, but nitto." "They've had tests, things frozen, everything." "The hospital's just about given up." "He's low on something." "Do you mind not discussing my personal life in front of...strangers?" "Tell my old man to keep his nose out of my business." "He's having a go for not giving him a grandchild." "Calm down..." "Aubrey." "And you can wrap up for a start." "I'm gonna get a drink." "It's all a load of old rubbish anyway." "I never believed a word of it!" "Excuse me." " Are the spirits still with us, Else?" " Yes, they're still here." "Close the circle." "Someone else has stepped out." "It's a woman." "Tall, slender, long blonde hair." "Fingers covered in rings of ruby and gold." "Bracelets adorn the wrists." "You know who that is, don't ya?" "Sounds like Jimmy Savile." "Jimmy Savile?" "That is our mother!" "Sorry, Del Boy, Dave." "Jimmy Savile!" "That's right, bruv." "Cheek!" "She says she is proud of her children." "She says you have both worked hard to succeed, but never mind." "She wants you to know she is with you always." "Wherever you are and whatever you're doing, she is looking over you." "She says you mustn't mourn her any longer." " She is happy." "She is at peace..." " Mrs Partridge?" " Don't interrupt." " I wanted to clear something up." "When she says she's looking over us all the time... she don't mean all the time, does she?" "Oh, I think the spirit world would have its own ideas on discretion." "Yeah." "I was just wondering." "Yeah!" "She is concerned for you, Derek." "Me?" "What about me?" "She is concerned for your health." "I'm all right, Mum." "I've never felt better." "She says you are not well." "She feels your pain." "Oh, that's just a bit of gyp, that's all." "Probably an onion bhaji lodged somewhere." "She wants you to go and see a doctor." "There's nothing the matter with me." "She insists." "No." "I don't wanna go and see a doctor." "You know I don't like doctors." "Oh, they're becoming distant..." "They're drifting away." "Can't you get 'em back, Else?" "Is there anybody there?" "If there's anybody there, talk to us." "Say something." " Lager's off!" " Aagh!" "(PIERCING SCREAM)" " You made me jump!" " What d'you think you made us do?" "!" " I've got customers waiting." " All right." "I'm coming." "Go on, go on." "I'll get your coat, Else." " What you gonna do, Del?" " What about?" "About the message from Mum." "Do me a favour, Roddy!" "You didn't believe all that?" "You seemed convinced." "I thought you was gonna suck your thumb and throw a paddy." "I was only doing it for Elsie." "She's a genuine old lady who probably believes she's getting messages." "But it's a load of old rubbish." "I think Del's right, Dave." "She got a message saying Boycie's gotta look after his kid." "Yeah, and Nelson's Column has got more chance of having a nipper than Boycie!" "So you ain't going to the doctor's?" "No, I'm not going, because there's nothing wrong with me." "Derek!" "See you in the bar, Albert." " Come on, Rodney." " It'll only take ten minutes..." "Thanks for doing that, Else." "That's the first time I've ever lied at a sitting." "I only gave Derek that message because you asked me to." "I'm grateful." "He wouldn't take any notice of me and Rodney." "The only one he'd ever listen to was his mum." "Right, Rodney." "Nerys, where are them posters?" "Stick these up in the window." "The sooner the devotees know, the better." " Del?" " Marlene." "Hello, darlin'." " What are you doing here?" " Boycie told me what Elsie Partridge said." "Don't start!" "I've had enough trouble with them." "There's nothing the matter with me." "I mean what she said to Boyce." "Listen, darlin'." "Don't take any notice of what Elsie Partridge says because... it's all a con, you see." "No, you don't understand." "I'm having a baby!" "You're what?" "!" "I've just had it confirmed up the hospital." "So what do you think about that, eh?" "Aaagh!" "Gawd!" "What's up with him?" "Sympathy pains." "A lot of men have phantom pregnancies." "I thought that only happened to the father." "Come in." "Sorry." "Is Dr Meadows about?" "No." "Dr Meadows left general practice two years ago." "He's working at the local hospital." "I'm Dr Shaheed." "You're a woman." "Well, well, so I am." "Nobody ever tells me anything these days." " You're Mr Trotter." " I know." "Well, come in, take a seat." " What's the problem?" " Me?" "Nothing at all." " You're not ill?" " No." "Never felt better." "Mr Trotter, I have a waiting room full of sick people." "Do you want a certificate?" "No." "I don't want a certificate." "I'm self-unemployed." "No." "It's just that..." "It's hardly worth bothering you about, really." "Why don't you let me be the judge of that?" "What's the problem?" " Well, I've been getting a bit of Cynthia." " Cynthia?" "Pain." " Where do you get this pain?" " All over, really." " This morning I got it in the lift..." " No, no." " Where on your body?" " Oh, right." "In the old New Delhi." " New Delhi?" " Yeah." "The belly." " You're not from these parts, are you?" " No." "I'm from New Delhi." "Really?" "Not much point in calling you in an emergency, then!" "I mean I was born in New Delhi and now I live in Peckham." " I know." "It was just a joke." " Oh, yes." "Very good." " What sort of pain is it?" " Well...it hurts." " But is it a sharp pain or a dull pain?" " It's a bit of both, really." "Would you strip to the waist, Mr Trotter?" "It's all right, Doc." "No need for that." "Just give me a couple of pills." "I'd like to examine you." "Please strip to the waist and lie on the couch." " Do you smoke, Mr Trotter?" " Not just now, thanks." "I wasn't offering, I was inquiring!" "Oh, I see." "No, I don't smoke." "I have one cigar a year on Christmas night." "I'm trying to cut down." "One cigar a year wouldn't do you much harm." "Do you have any trouble passing water?" "I had a dizzy spell going over Tower Bridge once." " You have bouts of dizziness?" " No, it was just a joke, Doctor." "I think it would be best if we stopped all the joking." "I'm finding this rather confusing." "Do you ever suffer from constipation?" " Regular as clockwork." " Plenty of roughage in your diet?" "Nothing but roughage - muesli, brown bread." "I'm a very organic person." "Good." "You'd be surprised how many people still exist on fried food and takeaways." "Not me, Doc." "I'm like a walking grow-bag." "When they bury me, there'll be rhubarb everywhere within six months." "Mr Trotter, when I said strip to the waist, I meant the top half!" "Put your shirt back on now." "I hope my stethoscope wasn't too cold for you." " No." "Round here we call them defascopes." " Really?" "Why?" "If you can't hear nothing, either you're deaf or we're dead." " Are you a heavy drinker, Mr Trotter?" " Me?" "No, I'm teetotal." "I have the odd mineral water, goat's skimmed milk and that." " You have a very high pulse rate." " Thank you, Doctor." "No." "I'm concerned about it." "It's as if you're frightened." "Frightened?" "Me?" "I don't know the meaning of the word." "I know what it was." "I jogged down to the surgery from the gym this evening." "That would explain it." "I wish all my patients were as health-conscious as you." "Mais oui, mais oui." "So what do you reckon the pains are?" "To tell you the truth, I'm not sure." "I'd like you to go to the hospital and have a few tests." "OK." "I'll make an appointment tomorrow morning." "No." "I'd like you to go now." "Now?" "You mean this minute?" "Yes." "You may have a grumbling appendix - I emphasise the word "may"." "If that's the case, we have to remove it as quickly as possible." " You mean cut it out?" " Yes." "I mean cut it out." " But it might not be an appendix?" " Maybe." " If it's not an appendix, what could it be?" " Let's not speculate." "Let's hope it's an appendix, then." "I don't have to go by ambulance, do I?" "No, but I don't want you jogging there." "You can call a minicab." "No, I'll give me brother a bell." "He can take me down there." "I'll call the hospital to say you're on your way." " I'll use the phone in reception." " All right, Doc." "Rodney?" "Hello, Rodders." "It's me, Del Boy." "Yes." "I'm here at the doctor's." "Listen..." "There's nothing to worry about, but I want you to come down here and give me a lift to the hospital." "I've gotta go there right away." "There's nothing to worry about, so I don't want you driving at 100 miles an hour and having an accident." "What?" "Of course I can't get a cab." "I don't care if "Neighbours" has just started!" "I am at the quack's and I want you to take me to hospital." "I need you here, Rodney..." "I want..." "I don't wanna go on my own." "See you in a minute." "There you go, Trig." "What can I get you, Rodney?" "A lemonade with ice, non-alcoholic lager top and a rum." " Right." "Any news from the hospital?" " No, not really." "He ain't got a grumbling appendix." "They don't know what it is." "They're running tests and keeping him under observation." " Must be horrible." " What?" "Laying in bed all day with someone standing there looking at you." "No, Trig." "They don't just..." "Yeah." "Must be horrible." "I had a mate like that." "Doctors couldn't find out what was wrong." " And he died, did he?" " Yeah." " I'm not saying that Del's got that." " Let's hope not." "We're going to visit him and he asked for a bacon sandwich with brown sauce." " He can't stand hospital food." " But it'll be cold and greasy by then." "That's how he likes it." "He also wants a bottle of Coke with Bacardi in it, so the matron won't suss." " All right." " That's all I got." "That'll do." "Cheer up, Rodney." "Del's in the best place, isn't he?" "Yeah." "I just wish they knew what was wrong with him." "Or maybe I don't want to know." " When I was stationed in New Guinea..." " Oh, God!" "A crewmate of mine went down with a mysterious tummy bug - just like Del's." "The finest medical brains in Jayapura couldn't make out what it was." " No?" "Your dad still buying a new Jag?" " Yeah." "He's looking at one tomorrow." "Until this American surgeon arrived on the scene." " He twigged it straight away." " What was it?" "Green parrot disease." "That's certainly worth knowing, Albert." "Thank you." "Are you going to tell the doctor in charge of Del's case?" "No." "It'd be one of the first things he'd..." "How's Del gonna get green parrot disease in Peckham?" "I admit it's a long shot." "I'm just grabbing at straws, I suppose." "Yeah." "We're all doing that, Albert." "I'm sorry." "I'm gonna put a drop of blackcurrant in this." " Can I visit Del with you?" " Yeah." "It's worth the journey just to see his pyjamas!" "He's never been ill before..." "at least he's never been in hospital." "He's terrified of 'em." "He got stabbed once outside a dance hall." "Blood everywhere, a four-inch gash in his shoulder, but he never went to hospital." " He didn't have it treated?" " Did it himself." "TCP and a flannel." " Did he know who did it?" " Yeah." " I bet he didn't report it to the police." " No." "He couldn't." "He was engaged to her." "I prayed last night..." "Prayed Del wouldn't die." "Rodney, that's not going to happen." "I know." "As soon as I done it, I thought, "That's stupid"." "Del ain't gonna die." "He's not the type." "So they took some more samples this afternoon." "Samples of blood, samples of..." "Samples of everything." "Now they want me to fast for 24 hours." "Are they running more tests tomorrow?" "Yeah." "I'll be 12 pounds, three gallons lighter than when I come in." "You're not supposed to be eating that!" "But this fasting makes you hungry!" "It could affect the results of your tests." "It's only a bacon sandwich and a bit of brown sauce." "Exactly." "I read that this is one of the few hospitals in the country that doesn't have a bacon sandwich detector." "I don't believe you, Derek." "If a doctor tells you to fast for 24 hours, you should fast for 24 hours!" " Why did you bring this sandwich in, then?" " I didn't know you were fasting!" "You're not supposed to be drinking Bacardi either." "Sshh!" "Keep the noise down." "With the sort of measures Mike gives, there's less spirits in that than there was at our seance!" "Wasn't last night the pukka seance night?" " Yeah." " Did it go well?" "Um...not quite as well as we'd expected." "It was a total cock-up!" "Tell me." "You know your posters with "The Seance" and the ghostly face?" " Yeah." " A lot of people got the wrong impression." " They thought The Seance was a group." " The place was packed with punk rockers." "Special Brew everywhere, people shouting, "Acid!"" "They were expecting to see an Iron Maiden-type band." "Then Elsie Partridge walked out in her hat." "They weren't best pleased, Del." "Fortunately, she remained in a trance throughout the riot." "She was still in it this morning when I went round." "Amazing, innit?" "I organised that seance out of the goodness of my heart." " And they chuck it back in me face." " Still, you tried." "(BELL RINGS)" "Visiting time's over." "Can't say I'm disappointed." "I hate these places - death and sickness everywhere." "They're not all they're cracked up to be." "Take care." "Bye-bye, sweetheart." "Thanks for coming." "Look after him." "I'll see he's all right." "I hope you feel better soon." "There's nothing wrong with me." " See you tomorrow." " Hang on a minute." " I'll see you outside." " All right." "What's up?" " I'm scared, Rodney." " Come on, Del." "You're in hospital." "I know." "That's why I'm scared!" " Can you think of a better place to be?" " Yes." "Down the pub, anywhere but here." "I think I know what's wrong with me." "What?" "I think I've got..." "You know." "You mean...?" "No." "Not...?" "Yes." "Don't be stupid." "What makes you think that?" "The doctors started asking questions about my "social activities"." " Bloody 'ell." " I didn't tell 'em nothing." "I made out I was an amateur monk." "But I've been laying here thinking about my past." "What's the point in depressing yourself?" "I've been thinking about some of the birds I've knocked about with." "Blimey, Rodney, some of them have been round the track more times than a lurcher!" " Del, you're just being irrational." " Am I?" "What about that unisex hairdresser's down the high street?" "What about it?" "I went in there last month." "I thought I was gonna get one of the dolly birds, but I got some mush called Jason." " So?" " So?" "Saying he's a bandit?" "Del, you cannot go around making accusations against innocent people!" "Anyway, you can't catch it off a comb!" "Say he nicked my neck with a razor?" "As long as he doesn't kiss it better, you're laughing!" "Then there's Uncle Albert." "He's been round the world more times than Phileas Fogg." " Then there's you and that computer." " My computer." "Yes." "I've been reading about computer viruses." "Del..." "Calm down, right." "I understand your fears and concerns, but you're letting your imagination run away." "If you had...that or anything as serious as that, they would have known by now." "They are experts, you know." "Yeah." "Yeah, of course you're right, Rodney." "I hadn't thought of that." "It can't be that serious, can it?" "Of course not." "You just remember that next time you're lying here at night, thinking about women and male hairdressers you've known." "They've got a spare bed downstairs if you're interested." " I'll see you tomorrow." " All right." "Aah!" "Hold on, hold on." "I'll get the nurse." "Nurse!" "Don't you die." "Don't you bloody die!" "I'm not gonna die." "I've just sat on me bacon sandwich!" " Aren't you eating that?" " No, sweetheart." " It's fresh fish." " I know it's fresh." "It winked at me." " I'll have to tell Matron." " It didn't really wink at me." "No." "If a patient doesn't eat, I have to report it." "All right." "You grass me up." "I'm not frightened of the old cow." "Nurse?" "Any news on my application for a bed bath?" "Sorry." "You've got to make a decision, Mr Trotter." "We can either save you or the baby." "Robbie Meadows!" "You old git!" " Please, Del, not in front of the staff." " Sorry." "Dr Meadows, you old git." " What brings you here?" " I've got good news and bad news." " The good news is I'm in charge of you." " And what's the bad news?" "I specialise in amputation." "It's a good 'un." " D'you still get down the One Eleven Club?" " No." "I've packed gambling in." " It's a mug's game." "You still go there?" " Yeah." " How come you're in charge?" " It was an accident." "Some colleagues brought up the name Derek Trotter, so I asked if I could read your GP's report and see your tests." "I was amazed." "I was reading about this non-smoking, teetotal, celibate, vegetarian health freak!" "Could this be the same Derek Trotter that I know and begrudgingly admire?" "That uptight, wheeling-dealing, pina colada lout?" "The Castella king?" "The curry connoisseur?" "A man who's lived his life on nervous tension, fried bread and doubtful women?" " And was it?" " Yeah, it was." " Why did you lie to your GP, Del?" " Well...she's a doctor, isn't she?" "I don't understand." "If you tell the truth, they put you in hospital." "You've been put in hospital." "But I didn't mean that to happen, did I?" "Del, if you'd told the truth, they could have diagnosed your problem in a quarter of the time." "They thought they were dealing with the perfect man, but it was you!" "It threw them onto the wrong tracks." "Well..." "I told her I did have a cigar at Christmas." "But what about the other 10,000 the rest of the year?" "That reminds me." "We found your cigar holder in the body scanner." "Oh, cheers." "Must have fallen out of me robe." "We know what's wrong with you, Del." "All right." "Let's hear the worst." "I can take it." "I'm not frightened." "Don't pull any punches." "Yeah." "It's best in the long run." "Well, basically, Derek..." "there's nothing wrong with you." "Oh..." "Oh..." "Thank God!" "Thank God!" "Thank Allah!" "Thank Buddha!" "Thank you, God!" " Relieved, eh?" " Well, you know..." " What are these pains, then?" " You have an irritable bowel." "I'm not surprised with you lot pulling me about!" "That's what your condition is called - Irritable Bowel Syndrome." "It's not serious." "I'll put you on a course of drugs." "Your condition has been caused by your lifestyle - late nights, booze, nicotine, fried fast foods." "D'you ever think of the saturated fat floating around your arteries?" "I try not to." "It puts me off me grub." "One of the contributory factors is stress." "A lot of yuppies suffer from it." "Yeah?" "I took the liberty of phoning the council about your rent arrears." " How did you find out?" " I phoned your flat." "I had to find out what the hell was going on." "I spoke to your uncle." "The council have agreed to give you some time to get yourself together." "Right." "Cheers, Robbie." "You've been given a warning, Del." "Nature's telling you to eat muesli for breakfast, cut down on the drink and cigars, eat wholesome real food and, above all else, learn to relax." "Doctor's orders." " Will do." " Here." "Get this from the pharmacy on your way home." " I can go?" " Yeah." "And don't come back." "I want you convalescing for the next three weeks." "No working or getting excited." "Sit in a chair, eat boring foods and live a boring life." "Easy." "I'll sit in the flat and talk to Uncle Albert." " See you around, Del." " Yes." "Thanks very much, Robbie." "I knew there was nothing wrong with me." "Silly old sod!" " Here y'are, Del." "Breakfast." " Good." "What is it?" "It's muesli." "It looks like something that's been swept out of a pigeon loft." "You can at least try it." "It tastes like something out of a pigeon loft!" "I can't eat this for the rest of me life." "I'd rather croak it!" "You'll bring your pains back on." "The quack said you've got to get a sensible diet, and muesli's part of it." " All right, Unc." " I'll do you a cup of tea." "Yeah." "All right." "'Ere." "How many cigars did that doctor say I could have a day?" " Three." " How many have I had?" "Four." " All right?" " Yeah." "T'rrific, Rodders." "What's up with you now?" "All that happened was that I picked up some sort of syndrome and you two are treating me like an invalid!" "We are not." "We are trying to do our best by you." " I'm sorry, Rodders." " That's all right." "Albert, I got the Complan!" " So, are you feeling relaxed?" " Yes." "I'm relaxed all over, thank you." "Good. 'Cause I have got some really great news." " Oh, yeah?" "What is it?" " I'm getting married." "# We've got some half-price cracked ice and miles and miles of carpet tiles" "# TVs, deep freeze and David Bowie LPs" "# Ball games, gold chains, what's-their-names and at a push" "# Some Trevor Francis tracksuits from a mush in Shepherd's Bush" "# Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush" "# No income tax, no VAT" "# No money back, no guarantee" "# Black or white, rich or broke" "# We'll cut prices at a stroke" "# God bless Hooky StreetI" "# Viva Hooky StreetI" "# Long live Hooky StreetI" "# C'est magnifique, Hooky StreetI" "# Magnifique, Hooky StreetI #"