"Someday I'll be old enough to stick my dick up Britney's butt!" "Way up in the mountains in a small little town," "The Main Street was being decorated all up and down." "People stood in long lines, sometimes waiting hours or more," "Because Christmas need to be bought in a store." "But out in the forest, not too far away The little woodlandcritters were also preparing for their Christmas day." "It's almost time when he time is here," "The time that's only once a year." "We can hardly wait, 'cause it's so near." "A Woodland Critter Christmas!" "The little critters worked hard as they happily sang" "And each one of them had a quite interesting name" "There was Squirrely the squirrel, Rabbity the rabbit," "Beavery the beaver, and Beary the bear" "Porcupiney the porcupine, Skunky the skunk," "Foxy the fox, and Deery the deer" "Woodpeckery the woodpecker, Mousey the mouse, and Chickadee-y the chickadee, all made the forest their house." "And on that magical day, stumbling upon all of that, was a surprised little boy, in a red poofball hat." "What the hell?" "Christmastime is once a year" "Every critter holds it dear" "Every animal big or small" "Christmas means so much to us all" "Well hello there." "Welcome to our forest." "How do you like our Christmas tree?" "It's... nice." "Why, it's the most perfect tree in the forest!" "Oh no, I see a problem." "What is it, Mousey?" "Our Christmas tree doesn't have a star." "Ohhhh..." "We can't have a tree with no star on it." "What are we gonna do?" "Now don't be down, y'all." "Maybe our new friend can help us find a star." "Can you really?" "Oh would you please?" "Could you help us?" "Okay, okay..." "Yay!" "..." "Yay!" "..." "And so, using some paper and working with glee, the boy in the red poofball hat made a star for the tree" "Ohhhh..." "It's the nicest star i ever saw." "The little critters cheered and Beavery said with a smile" "How would you like to sing and dance with us for a while?" "The boy in the red poofball hat smiled and said" "Uh, no thanks, I'm gonna go home." "Goo, goodbye Stanny!" "Goodbye, Stanny!" "Bye!" "Cya!" "I'll buy your hat!" "Wugh." "Hi, Stanny!" "Oh, whatta?" "His friends were all there!" "What a wonderful surprise!" "The little boy smiled with joy in his eyes" "What time is it!" "You aren't gonna believe what happened, Stanny." "It's the most magical Christmas gift ever!" "Porcupiney is pregnant!" "You guys, I have to go to school tomorrow." "I deduce the man-boy doesn't understand the seriousness of the fertilization." "Porcupiney is a virgin, Stanny." "Her conception was immaculate." "She's gonna give birth to our Lord and Savior." "...What?" "It has been foretold unto me that I would give birth on Christmas Day." "So soon!" "How delightful!" "Our souls are saved!" "Finally the critters are gonna have a Savior of their very own, of their very own!" "There's just one problem:" "We don't have a manger for our Savior to be born in." "But we got to have a manger." "Can you do it, Stan." "Can you build us a manger?" "Huh?" ""Of course I'll build you a little manger!" the little boy cried, and he winked at his critter friends and leapt to their side!" "And out in the woods the boy steamed right ahead, making a place for the critter babe to lay its sweet head" "Gee whiz, if it isn't the nicest manger I ever saw." "I deduce it shall serve as a perfectly suitable resting place, for the Son of our Lord." "Does this mean we can go to sleep now?" "My Son will have the nicest bed in all the forest." "Fit for a king!" "This is going to be the best critter Christmas ever!" "It's almost time when the time is here," "The time that's only once a year." "We can hardly wait, 'cause it's so near" "All right, I'm going now" "The mountain lion!" "Hide!" "Go away!" "Shoo!" "Is it gone?" "I deduce it is." "I'm not c-c-comin' out." "Well, this is the end." "The mountain lion obviously knows Porcupiney is pregnant, and he's gonna kill it again." "Again?" "Every Christmas the mountain lion comes down and eats the virgin critter impregnated with the Son of our Lord." "Oh dear, I'm so very afraid." "Let's face it." "The mountain lion will never let our Savior be born." "Hey, we shouldn't be upset this Christmas." "We've got Stanny!" "Of course!" "Stanny can do anything!" "If he can build a manger, he can stop that mean ol' mountain lion!" "Christmas is saved!" "High up in the forest on a dark, craggy peak, the horrid mountain lion lived and preyed on the weak." "For the critters to be saved, someone had to stop that nasty old cat..." "Goddamnit, this is fucking ridiculous!" "Said the little boy in the red poofball hat." "Killing the mountain lion was no easy task, but he thought of a plan, and he thought of it fast." "Grrr." "Grrr!" "Come on out!" "Come on, critter killer!" "Your days of slaughtering innocent little animals are over!" "Rawrrrrr!" "Rawrrrrr!" "In a flash it was over!" "A victorious blow!" "The mountain lion lay slain on the cold ground below." "Hokay, there." "Mommy?" "Mommy!" "W... wake up, Mommy, wake up!" "Don't leave us, Mommy." "Man-boy, why?" "Why did you kill our mommy?" "Why?" "I... the... critters." "Their... bir-birth of a Savior?" "The tiny cubs all gathered together and cried," "All alone in the world because their mother had died." "Oooo." "You all right, Lady Porcupiney?" "Oh yes, just felt a little kick is all." "Well, it's been much too long now." "Uh I'm afraid our helpful friend Stanny must be very dead." "Yep, the mountain lion probably swallowed him whole." "I guess that means our Savior is gonna be made into Savior stew." "Wait a minute, look!" "Stanny!" "Stanny, you're alive." "But, does that mean you killed the mountain lion?" "It's dead." "For real and for true?" "Are you sure?" "I'm sure." "It won't be hurting you anymore." "He did it!" "Now our critter Christmas can finally happen!" "Hail Satan!" "Hail Satan!" "Wait, wha-what?" "You've done us a huge favor, Stanny!" "Without the mountain lion around, the Lady Porcupiney can give birth to the Antichrist!" "Yaaay Satan!" "Waiwait, the Antichrist?" "You said she was giving birth to your savior!" "Yeah, to the Son of our Lord, Satan, Prince of Darkness." "But I thought you meant the Son of God!" "Well, think about it:" "You really think God would have sex with a porcupine?" "No way!" "Only Satan, Prince of Darkness and King of all Evil would do that!" "Yay!" "This just calls for a celebration!" "Let's sacrifice Rabbity and eat his flesh!" "Yay!" "Sacrifice me to the Devil!" "Drink his blood!" "Drink his blood!" "Blood orgy!" "..." "Yay, blood orgy!" "Blood orgy, yay!" "What special time and special day," "It's Woodland Critter Christmas." "Hail Satan." "In the gentle forest clearing on Christmas Eve morn," "The little forest critters prepared for the Antichrist to be born." "The noble mountain lion had stopped evil in all the years past," "But now the good protector lay dead as the good owls amassed." "And meanwhile three lion cubs were crying away." "For them there would certainly be no Christmas Day," "And soon the forest would suffer from the offspring Satan begat." "All of this because of the little boy in the red poofball hat." "Ugh." "Now that he'd killed the noble lion queen, there was nobody to stop the Apocalypse, it seemed." "Uuugh!" ""I know!" he said with a new happy grin," ""I'll go back to the forest and speak with those critters again!"" "No nonono." "He ran out the living room, turned out the light, and went back to the forest to set everything right!" "...and went back to the forest to set everything right!" "...He tried to forget all about it by watching TV but his conscience caught up with him and to the forest he did flee." "...He thought he could hide from his problems - not true!" "He knew in his heart the thing he had to do!" "Leave me alone!" "..." "He knew that only by going to the forest could he" "All right all right all right!" "God!" "Hey, look everyone!" "It's our old pal, Stanny." "Oh boy, Stanny." "You came just in time!" "Yeah." "We've got a big problem." "The Great Satan has commanded that when the Antichrist is born, we must find a human host body to transfer it into." "That way he could take over the whole world." "The whole world!" "The human must be non-baptized and heathenistic against Christ." "We figured you'd be perfect!" "Yay!" "I'm not a heathen!" "I was baptized and my family's Christian!" "But we got to have a human host body for the Antichrist." "Oh dear, maybe we won't have a critters C-Christmas after all." "Now don't be down, y'all." "Stanny can help us find non-baptized heathen human." "Will you really, Stanny?" "No!" "..." "I'm not doing you anymore favors and I'm not letting you give birth to the Antichrist!" "I came here to put a stop to all this!" "To stop us?" "But gee whiz, Stan, if you try to stop us, we'd have to use our evil satanic powers on ya." "Right, whatever." "I'm taking down the manger I built." "Ah!" "Aaaah!" "..." "Aagh!" "Aaaahh!" "AAAAAAAH!" "..." "AAAAAAAH!" "..." "Oh boy!" "Our satanic powers sure did the trick!" "Our powers get stronger every day, get stronger every day!" "Sorry Stanny, but you see, nothing can stop the birth of the Antichrist, except for a mountain lion." "And you got rid o'her." "Yay!" "The boy shook with anger!" "He broke a sweat and fell ill" "When he remembered there were three mountain cubs still alive on the hill!" "Oh yeah." "Hello?" "Anybody in there?" "Oh no, it's the man-boy who killed Mommy!" "He's come to kill us now." "It's okay." "I died inside when Mommy was killed anyways." "Yeah, better this than the slow death we'd face without a mother around." "Look, I'm sorry I killed your mom." "The, the squirrel told me she was evil." "You got tricked by a squirrel?" "Gee, you're not too smart, are you, mister?" "I'm trying to make this all right again, but the only thing that can stop devil-worshiping critters is a mountain lion!" "Yeah, and you killed her." "Well, you're mountain lions." "Us?" "No, we're just kids." "We still have our baby teeth." "And our baby claws." "And a dead mom." "There still has to be a way for you to kill the porcupine's baby." "What?" "You mean like in an abortion?" "Yeah." "An abortion." "That can work." "But, we don't know how to give abortions." "Do you know some place we can learn, mister?" ""Where can they learn that?" the boy said with a frown." ""I know!" "The abortion clinic just outside of town. "" "What?" "!" "So he picked up the cubs and down the mountain he stormed." "And took them to where abortions are performed." "No, he didn't." "Yes he did." "No, he didn't!" "Yes he did." "No, he didn't!" "..." "Yes he did!" "Aw Goddamnit!" "Said the boy in the red poofball hat! "We've made it already, little cubs!" "Fancy that!"" "Excuse me, what are you doing here?" "!" "The abortion doctor inquired." "If you wanna be in the OR, a pass is required!" "I don't know, I, I'm supposed to show these mountain lions how an abortion is performed or something," "I..." "I know, it'd ridiculous." "Well, you're in luck, I'm happy to inform!" "It's only three days until Christmas, so I have LOTS of abortions to perform!" "Gather around my table, cute little lions," "I'll teach you to do abortions without even tryin'!" "And so the little boy and the cubs gathered around the chair base," "And all day watched abortion after abortion take place." "Christmas time is once a year." "Every critter holds it dear." "Every animal big or small," "Christmas means so much to us all." "It's once a year, it's Christmastime!" "And it happens once a year." "It's once a year, it's Christmastime!" "When we hear about how Christmas only comes" "Once a year." "This better have a point, dude." "This really better have a point." "It's almost time when the time is here," "The time that's only once a year." "Oh look." "That little feller is all alone." "Gee, he looks sad." "Hi there!" "What the hell?" "How come you're all alone on Christmas Eve." "My... family doesn't celebrate Christmas." "Aww, but why?" "Well, because, we don't really..." "believe in Jesus." "Yay!" "But does that mean you aren't baptized?" "No." "I'm Jewish." "Yay!" "Yay!" "You've got to come with us!" "You're perfect!" "Just pu-perfect!" "Huh?" "Yay!" "Woohoo!" "Woohoohoo!" "What special time and special day," "It's Woodland Critter Christmas." "Hail Satan." "Twas the night before Christmas, and above the woods, way up high, a new bright shiny star hung in the sky." "For the world to be saved there was only one shot." "A little boy with three cubs, and an abortion plot." "Okay, come on, the critters are over this way." "You mountain lions ready to stop the Antichrist from being born?" "Sure." "We know how to give abortions now." "He arrived at the critter forest ready to fight, but then gasped when he saw a most dreadful sight." "Guys, we did it!" "The critter Antichrist is born, bringin' a thousand years of darkness to the forest." "The Antichrist had been born, sealing the world's fate." "The boy in the red poofball hat..." "was too late." "Too late?" "The hell is that?" "Oh." "Hiya, Stanny!" "Stan!" "Stan, what the hell is going on?" "!" "It's Critter Christmas, dude!" "It sucks ass!" "Now all we have to do is put the Antichrist into our human host." "Let's go!" "All right!" "Woohoo!" "That's it?" "!" "Ten thousand years of darkness and I don't even have a Merry Christmas?" "When up in the sky the sound of sleigh bells were heard And a jolly red sleigh flew down to the earth like a bird!" "Wwow, look, there's Santa Claus!" "Yay!" "Let's eat his flesh!" "All right, what the hell is going on?" "!" "Why is there a red star glowing in the sky?" "We finally did it, Santa!" "We brought forth the" "Antichrist with help from our good friend," "Stanny." "Death and pain await all living things." "Little boy, you should be ashamed!" "I mean, I didn't mean to help them, I I tried to stop them!" "Well good going, stupid!" "There's only one way to stop devil-worshiping critters!" "Aaaaah!" "Dude, what the?" "Hold steady, Santa." "Come on, dude." "Gee whiz, Santa, you're not gonna kill me, are you" "But Santa, what do we do about the Antichrist?" "Don't worry, boys." "The Antichrist cannot survive without a human host body to go into." "No." "No, I want to have the Antichrist inside me!" "What?" "Kyle?" "..." "With his power, I can finally make the earth a better place for the Jews!" "Don't do it, Kyle!" "Dude!" "..." "Yes, yes!" "Now the Jews will take control of Christmas once and for all!" "HAHA!" "HAAA!" "..." "Oh, stop it, Cartman!" "Just stop it!" "That's enough!" "You aren't reading another sentence of your stupid story!" "I don't believe anyone interrupted YOU when you read your Christmas story aloud," "Kyle." "This whole time your stupid story was just a way to rip on me for being Jewish at Christmas again!" "Mr. Garrison, could you do something, please?" "Sorry, Eric, but if Kyle feels discriminated against, you'll have to stop or else I'll get a call from his mother." "All right, fine!" "Forget it!" "Wwell but, but what happened?" "Yeah." "Did Kyle bring a thousand years of darkness or not?" "What happens to the lion cubs?" "Well, I guess we'll never know, because Kyle doesn't wanna hear how it ends." "No, it all worked out, right?" "The world was saved and I went home for Christmas dinner." "Dude, why do you care?" "!" "Well after all that I at least wanna know if I had a merry Christmas or if darkness rules the earth." "Oh come on!" "It's obvious what happens!" "I get killed by Santa Claus so that Christmas is saved!" "That's not at all what happens." "Aw well, come on." "Let him read us the end." "Yeah yeah, come on!" "All right, fine!" ""Oh dear, my best friend is possessed!" "How about that?"" "said the little boy in the red poofball hat." "HAHAHAA!" "..." "Now I shall rule the" "Aww." "Uuugh." "God it burns!" "AAAH!" "My soul is on fire!" "Whoa." "Oh, I don't like this!" "I didn't know it would feel so..." "dark and evil!" "Well what did you expect, dude?" "It's the son of the Devil." "Oh God, what have I done?" "..." "I'm sorry." "Please, I don't wanna be the vessel for the Antichrist." "I'm sorry, but it's too late, Kyle!" "Santa's gonna have to kill you!" "No Santa, don't!" "We don't have a choice." "In a few hours, the dark creature inside him will consume his soul." "The little boy fretted." "He almost started to bawl" "But that's when he came up with the best idea of all." "The lion cubs!" "The little boy quickly begun," "I took them to see how abortions are done." "What?" "..." "Now cubs, do like they showed you." "Hurry up fast!" "Get the Antichrist out of my friend Kyle's ass!" "And in the twinkling starlight, each little cub did their portion." "They remember all they had learned and gave Kyle an abortion." "Thanks, everybody." "I I'm sorry I got a little crazy there." "Well little boy, it seems that YOU have really been through a lot." "Is there any special present you would like this year?" "Yeah." "Yeah, there is." "Weh, ah my, what happened?" "Mommy?" "Yay!" "You're back!" "We missed you, Mommy!" "Ogh, good." "And back home, there were presents, and lots of food to get fat." "And it was the best Christmas ever for the boy in the red poofball hat." "And they all lived happily ever after." "Except for Kyle, who died of AIDS two weeks later." "Goddamnit Cartman!" "Christmastime is once a year" "Every creature holds it dear" "Every animal big or small" "Christmas means the world to us all" "It's once a year, it's Christmastime" "When we hear about how Christmas only comes Once a year."