" All right, kiddo?" " Dad." "Carmel." "How's me widescreen telly?" "I wanted to bring it, but she wouldn't lift the other end." " MOZ:" "It's not an affair." " NICKI:" "It's not an affair." "Just sex." "BOTH:" "I love you!" "PSYCHO PAUL:" "I'm at war." "The Lo Triad." "We burnt down three of their restaurants." "Now they've torched Stemroach's warehouse." "I think you've already met our new boss." "You and Cartoon Head are an item?" "Yes." "Is that so bizarre?" "I'm pregnant." "Sorry." "Sorry." "You OK, CH?" "(DEEP VOICE) Judith, I love you." "So how long's it been going on?" "What?" "Your affair." "How long have you and Jenny been having an affair?" "About two weeks." "How about you?" "How long you been having yours?" "About two weeks, I suppose, yeah." "So what does that mean if we're both cheating at the same time?" "Everybody gets away with it, nobody shouts at anybody?" "I think it's a bit more complex than that." "Really?" "For you, was it...just sex?" "Yeah." "How about you?" "Yeah, just sex." "Sometimes just foreplay." "Still, clearly there is something fundamentally wrong with our relationship." "Are you sure?" "Think about it." "We both start affairs at the same time." "We both break them off at t'same time." "Seems to me we're perfectly in tune with each other's needs." "What, so synchronised cheating is the secret to a happy relationship, is it?" "Maybe...we're swingers in denial." "Do you know what really hurts?" "Everyone apart from me knew you were screwing Jenny." "Everyone." "You don't even respect me enough to cover your own tracks!" "never seen out together, deleted every text message he sent me." "This is like infidelity masterclass." "Mornin', kiddo." "It's not easy for me to say this - mainly cos I don't mean it - but it's nice to see ya." " D'you enjoy the party last night?" " Yeah." "Rejected by a prostitute!" "Well, you can't win 'em all." "Come and give us a hand bringing this telly I've got for you." "You mean me widescreen telly?" " It exists?" " Oh, it exists." "Fear it." "That...is bigger than some flats I've lived in." "Only cost a tenner." "What's that, 1 pound a foot?" "I can't watch that!" "I haven't got enough peripheral vision!" "You should be proud." "I bet there's no bigger screen on this road." "There isn't a bigger screen at the multiplex!" "Imagine the football." "Players'll get tired running across that." "Get...rid of it, before you fuse the National Grid." "I'll be off." "I'm sorry it took so long to sort it all out for you." "I'm impressed." "You did what you said you were gonna do, and that is a family first." "I'll let meself out." "You enjoy yourself, kiddo." "Cheers, Dad." "You may not have given me life, but you've given me something far more precious." "Fissst!" "Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!" "I love you!" "Hiya, Jen." "You all right?" "No." "I'm devastated." "You?" "I'm...yeah, devastated." "I want us to be together." "You know that." "I'm pretty sure that that's what you want too." "Maybe." "I'm..." "I'm not sure right now." "What about Nicki?" "Is she devastated?" "Nah, she couldn't care less." "(SOBBING) I don't wanna live if we can't be together." "How would you feel then, eh, if I popped me own clogs off?" "." " What's the matter?" " Oh, you know." "Sink's blocked, our relationship's falling apart." "The usual." "I'm taking Sanjeev to The Inflatable Room." "And when I get back, I want that black hole to be gone." "It's a gigantic telly." "What's not to like?" "Wait till you see Property Ladder on this." "You'll be able to look round other folks' homes and sneer at it in real detail." "And we can carry on discussing the future of our relationship." "Sounds great." "I think we both know she's gotta go." "(HOARSELY) Marco!" " Ah..." " Alan!" "I didn't know what had happened to you, I thought you might have died." "I nearly did die, Marco." "I fell over them stairs with a giant head on." "But God...was looking out for me." "Praise be!" "What have you done to your neck?" "It's all lopsided." "Me neck's fine, Marco." "It's the world that's lopsided." "No, it's definitely your neck." "You're all like that..." "All right, mate?" "Ignore me." "And him." " Who?" " That's right." "I deny your reality." "I'm with you on that one." "(HOARSELY) Did you see him, Marco?" "Did you see him?" "No." "Ah, yes!" "It were the lad we spot-welded inside that boiler!" "You said he was dead." "Don't you see, Marco?" "He has risen!" "BOTH:" "Praise be!" "D'you know what I've realised, Moz?" "I'd hesitate to even bother to guess." "It's not just a band, Silicone Valets." "Is it also a type of breast implant?" "We're on a mission." "And would that mission involve an eighth or a quarter?" " Hi, hi." " Hi, Brian." "You on your own?" "Yeah." "I'm experimenting with celibacy." "I need time to love me." " Ooh, Silicone Valets!" " Incarnate." "But it's "Valets" without a "T", isn't it?" "No." "It's "Valets" with a T!" "It's Y it's without." " And an L." " Just..." "Letters are just letters, y'know." "Can't really spell anything with them." "Hark at Barney the Dinosaur." "See ya." "Good luck with your letters." "(WHISPERING) Wherever he goes, we have to follow, Marco." "Because we're followers?" "So you dumped Brain of Britain, then?" "I reckon I've been most happy with Jen than I've ever been, ever." "It's like every day's Pancake Day." "She's dimmer than an indoor firework." "All she needs is somebody to look after her." "And I've discovered I like looking after her." "I care about her, Brian." "She's very important to me." "What about Nicki?" "Right now?" "She's..." "..Slightly less important." "How did Jenny take you dumping her?" "She rang about an hour ago." "Said she were feeling suicidal, she didn't wanna live without me." "Then she hung up." "So you phone back and be all reassuring like a Valium and banana smoothie?" "I was gonna phone her back, but then I..." "I got distracted." "Right." "So Little Miss Important could be dead, then?" "No, course not." "No!" "She wouldn't be, would she?" "Statistics show suicidal people are 1 00% more likely to kill themselves." "Come on, come on, where are you?" "Hang on a sec." "Hello?" "Hello." "Hiya." "Hiya, Brian." "You all right?" "I'm suicidal." "Smashin'." "Well, I'll leave you two love gods to it." "Moz!" "I don't like to think of you going out to attack another gang." "Make sure you're careful." "We don't need to be careful." "We're clearly superior to Paul's gang." "Anyway, we got the red bag." "JUDITH:" "So when do you think you'll be back?" "Will you be back for your tea?" "I can make Peking ducks again." "Why don't I come with you?" "Then when you've finished with your Triad business, we can have a bite to eat out?" "Wait." "I had a dream last night." "I was stabbed and..." "and you looked after me." "Sorry." "I think I'm in shock, Moz." "I..." "I just can't take the whole thing in." "I know." "It's massive, innit?" "Oh, I love The Klankers!" "It's as relevant today as it was then." "TV:" "Ooh, what a noise they do make." "You know what I'm saying." "Moz don't care for you." "He's had an affair behind yer back." "What sort of person does that?" "If you ask me, Jenny's more his level." "Jenny?" "!" "He's never had a scrap of respect for her." "He engaged in an affair with her purely for sex." "What does that say about him?" "You said that's all you wanted from me." "At first." "Maybe, but could you have sex with somebody you thought was an idiot?" "No." "No, I couldn't." "Not unless it was you." "I mean, if you were in a car crash and you were, like, brain-damaged or in a coma or summat," "I'd still wanna have sex with you." "Don't worry about that." "How would you know if I was in the mood?" "Well, we'd have to have a code or summat." "One tap for "yes", two taps for "no"?" "Three taps for "just enjoy yourself"." "I've said it before and I keep saying it." "My door is always open." "Move in with me." "Bring Sanjeev." "You can have a better life than this." "Don't forget, I'm earning bobby bucks." "Sure you're not going back to Rainbow?" "Hey, I dumped her before I even kissed her." "All she did was go on about how much she hated her ex." "Rainbow's no fun." "Whereas you..." "Nothing but fun." "You all right?" "D'you know what, Moz?" "I wanna spend the rest of my life with you." "Just getting stoned and watching The Klankers, eating cheese on toast and giggling about nowt." "Is that so silly?" "No." "No, it's not silly." "It's not silly." "It's brilliant." "Cos that's what I want to do an' all." "I want us to do it together." "You and me and my big telly are meant to be." "And I don't wanna have to hide that for a second longer." "Quick, hide!" " (WHISPERING) There is nowhere!" " Get behind the telly!" "Hiya." "Just been...watching t'Clangers." "You are amazing, d'you know that?" "Our whole future hangs in the balance and you're just chillin' with the Soup Dragon." "D'you fancy a brew?" "Shall we go to t'kitchen?" "Do..." "D'you wanna come and see what sort of b-biscuits we've got?" "Obviously we are both guilty here." "But the one thing I don't understand is, why Jenny?" "Why Jenny of all people?" "Correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm sure it's only a couple of weeks since you referred to her as, and I quote, "Zombie Barbie"." "No, I didn't!" "You did." "And it was you who first started calling her Carol Laudanum." "I never!" "You know you did!" "Moz, you are up to your armpits in denial here!" "Jenny's one of my best friends, but I'd be first to admit, she's an idiot." "Stop talking about me as if I'm not here!" "Christ." "I were showing Jenny t'new telly." "Moz, it really isn't worth lying at this stage." "And I dunno who Carol Laundry Room is, but I'm not being called her!" "I were only mucking about." "I know lots of people are cleverer than me." "I know that." "But I can't do owt about it." "I've tried learning." "It just don't 'appen for me." "I don't think you're stupid, Jen." "Well, I reckon I must be stupid, cos I fell in love with you!" "I can't take any more of this." "Look, look, I'm..." "I'm letting her go, Jenny." "And I want you to stay." "Sit down." " (WAILS GENTLY)" " Sit down." "I'll make us some cheese on toast." "Eh...?" "Fimbles should be on any time." "I'll make that cheese on toast." " I love you." " Mm-hm." "PC:" "Nicki?" "You all right?" "Yeah." "Yeah, I am." "Me and Sanjeev are on our way over to your place now." "Yeah?" "What, coming over for good?" "Yeah." "Thanks." "Couldn't be better..." "The only thing is, I have got t'lads coming for poker in about an hour." "But, well..." "You could do drinks and nibbles." "Yeah, whatever." "This best be good cos I was just about to attain the highest level of cosiness known to man." "Shut it, Morris." "What happened?" "Been on an Outwards Bounds course?" "We were playing the amusements down the Lucky Nudges!" "I was one point off knowing everything about Trivia." "Suddenly, the Lo Triad jumped us." "We were badly outnumbered, blood." "How many of them were there?" "Only two, but they had us surrounded!" "They had knives, Moz." "I've never seen owt like it." "I thought I was gonna die." "Or worse." "What, your whole probation flashed before yer eyes?" "It's not funny!" "They killed Stripes." "His mum'll be upset." "She really liked him." " We all liked him." " I didn't." "They cut 'im up bad, I'm telling ya." " No, don't tell me." " They kicked me in the nose." "I'm not surprised." "Were Cartoon Head with 'em?" "Nah." "He don't get his hands dirty now he's running his own Triad." "Anyway, thanks for popping in, lads." "You'll be wanting to get home for your teas, eh?" "You lot stay here." "Gonna see if Fist's in." "Why don't you take the gang round your house?" "Um..." "Your place is much nicer." "Fissssst!" "You know, Cartoon Head, a more suspicious woman might think you were only staying here to keep an eye on Paul's gang." "This chair's calming me right down." "And that TV, blood, that is mint!" "It's a bit dodgier than you think, innit, this gangland stuff?" "Yeah." "I don't think it's really me." "I might go home." "I'm on probation." "Well, is Fist gonna help we?" "He's out." "I phoned Stemroach." "He says for us to stay put." "He's gonna try and send us some help round." " What kind of help?" " Strong-arm men." "Big Darren, Flu Strength Darren and Spermcell Giganticus..." "Listen, lads." "I like to pride meself on me open-door policy, and if you ask round, I think you'll find" "I'm generally regarded as Salford's most laissez-faire drug dealer." "But the time has come to say, "Bog off out of it!"" " (TYRES SQUEALING)" " Shit!" "They're here!" " Whoa, blood, what do we do now?" " We don't panic." "We stay calm." "We stay strong." "We hide up in the loft." "I should never have got involved in this." "Didn't realise it was this sort of gang." "Yeah, it's not the gang that I joined." "Shhh!" "This gang's at the top of its game." "So why are we hiding in the loft?" "We're not hiding!" "We're consolidating our position." "Lads, if they're determined to find you, they might just think of looking in me loft." "If they do think of it, I'll hold you responsible, Morris!" "All right, matey?" "Derrick." "Yoko." "Happy to see you, Moz." "All right?" "I wasn't expecting..." "Radishes?" "No!" "Me neither." "It is a bit early for them, isn't it?" "We look for Kim and Miko." "We not seen them since surprise party." "Sorry, I can't help you." "Oh, by the way, I don't suppose you two have any experience of dealing with..." " (KNOCKING) - ...evil Triads?" "T-Tony." "Chen." "What a lovely surprise." "You were supposed to be working for us, Moz, spying on Stemroach's gang." "I hardly ever see 'em." "There's nowt to report." "There must be." "What do you want me to do?" "Make summat up?" " Yes." " Well..." "I think they might be dealing in stolen...g-gloves." "Idiot!" "He's not an idiot." "Leave him alone." "He's lovely and he's kind." "I'm the idiot." "We ought to just slice up the lot of you." "Come on now, lads, there's no need for any bother." "Can she be in our gang?" "This is me mum." "She's seen some weird stuff in mugs." " It's death." " Death in a cup?" "Think you're tough, don't you, lads?" "Just cos your Triad's got the red bag." "Blasphemy!" "So you're going over to kill Psycho Paul's gang?" "But not Moz?" "MOZ:" "This is the worst thing that could possibly happen!"