"♪ I'm washing" "♪ I'm washing my butt" "♪ What, what, what, what, I'm washing my butt ♪ (Knock on door)" "Sweetheart?" "Aah!" "Get out!" "I am washing my butt!" "Okay, I-I just wanna let you know that, you know, you've been in there quite a while, in case you didn't know how expensive hot water is." "(Polly) The first time I met Max," "I thought, "who is this bossy guy with the Jew fro?"" "Hey, sweetie, from now on, Max is gonna be living here." "Aah!" "Isn't that exciting?" "You know what?" "Let's start by not riding the big wheel on the carpet." "Is he the boss now?" "It turns out he was my new daddy." "I did not like it." "Ha." "His latest obsession is telling us how much everything costs." "Electricity's expensive." "(Switch clicks)" "I'm in the room." "Well, and remember, be conservative with the shampoo." "Quarter-sized dollop." "Get out!" "Uh, all right." "You have a wonderful singing voice." "Ohh! hey, honey." "What are you eating there?" "Oh, you know." "Croutons." "I can see that." "Uh-huh." "I just find it curious that one would choose to eat croutons if there were other options." "(Bottles rattle) Right?" "Why?" "Oh, my." "Oh." "Seems to me that, uh, you haven't left the house in several days." "Don't be silly." "Polly, tell him." "I went to the..." "And the the..." "Oh, she did." "She went to the the and the the." "Elaine, by chance... (Whispers) Have you lost your car keys again?" "(Package crinkles) No, I have not lost my car keys again." "The "have you lost your keys?" Show is the longest-running play since "cats,"" "except it's not performed by cats, though I think that would be awesome." "See, the reason why I installed the hook is so we wouldn't lose our keys." "You may also notice that the hook... (Mouthing words) Is even shaped like a key to reinforce the connection in your mind." "But I notice, uh, your keys are absent..." "Mm." "From said hook." "That's because my keys are in a different location..." "A much more delightful location that isn't shaped like anything." "You know, keys nowadays..." "Well, actually, they're..." "They're not keys at all, are they, people?" "Mm-hmm." "Yeah." "They're more like, uh, tiny computers..." "Oh, here we go." "That cost about $400..." "You think everything is a little computer." "To replace..." "Yesterday, it was like, "your phone is a mini-computer."" "Your phone is a little computer." "Please." "No, it's not." "It is my contention that because you cannot find your keys..." "I have my... you have been unable to leave the house..." "Right." "Which is why we're out of food and also why the dog has trail mix in his bowl." "(Newspaper rustles) There's trail mix?" "I can leave the house whenever I want to. (Door opens)" "Of course you can." "Mm-hmm." "(Door closes) Hey, Elaine, I got that stuff you asked for." "Ooh." "Feels tense." "(Chuckles) Is it tense?" "Mm." "It's tense." "Well, I should have known you'd somehow be involved in all of this." "My stepfather and my ex-husband have a love-hate relationship." "Julian loves my stepfather, and... (Sighs) You do the math." "Though if you had a job, you'd be unavailable to enable my wife with her shenanigans." "Do I look like I am capable of shenanigans?" "All right, then." "Show me your keys. (Laughs)" "I'm not gonna show you anything." "I'm a person." "Yeah, a person without keys." "And if I say I have my keys, then I have my keys." "I have my keys." "But I can't see 'em?" "No." "'Cause they're in a delightful place." "Really?" "Okay." "Fine." "I'll tell you what." "I'm gonna go wash my lawn chairs, and all of you just..." "Do what you do." "Okay." "We have to find the keys." "Okay." "Oh." "(Opens drawer)" "I bought these dealio coupons online to get big discounts on stuff like exercise classes, spray tans..." "Awesome, but also expiring today." "Whoops." "Polly, have you seen my, uh... (Clears throat)" "(Papers rustle) What are you hiding behind your back?" "Nothing." "Just papers." "Just trying to clean up." "Oh, well, you're giving 'em to me." "I'll put 'em in recycling for... no." "I mean, I will recycle them." "Doing my civic responsibility gives me so much pleasure, and if you think that I am letting you bogart that buzz, then you are mistaken, sir." "Well, I'm gonna go right by the cans." "I thought I could put 'em out for you..." "Nope." "They're mine." "What, are you serious?" "Ugh." "Damn your monkey arms." "What is a dealio?" "(Sighs) I don't know." "What is the dealio with you?" "It's like a coupon for stuff." "Acupuncture, massage." "There's a lot of stuff here." "Yeah." "Good stuff." "Did these cost money?" "(Chuckles) No." "(Mutters) Like, a little." "Polly, these expire today." "To... you forgot about these, didn't you?" "No." "I spaced on them, okay?" "It was not intentional." "But what can I do?" "They're all expiring, so what, am I supposed to just do everything I signed up for in one day?" "That's..." "Oh, no, no, no." "That's ins..." "That's insane, Max." "Stop thinking it." "You need to do these." "It's coming to me in a flush of parental inspiration." "Oh, no." "Listen." "Listen to me." "You, my dear, are at a crossroads." "It's your "aha!" Moment." "Oh." "Of course." "Listen, this is your opportunity..." "Mm-hmm." "For you to become a fully functioning, responsible adult." "Mm." "Because you're gonna have an opportunity to redeem each and every one of these coupons." "Oh, here we go." "Listen to me." "You can't afford this." "How..." "(Scoffs)" "How did you pay for this?" "I... misused your credit card." "Excuse me?" "I used your credit card, okay?" "There were things that I wanted, and I did not have the money for them, so what was I supposed to do, not get them?" "I'll get my coat." "Elaine, you remember where you last saw your keys?" "(Laughs)" "Huh." "This looks important." ""Last will and testament of Max green."" "I believe I was supposed to have mailed that three months ago." "Oh, Polly's gonna clean up." "Must be a first draft." "I'm not even mentioned." "Ha ha ha!" "Find 'em?" "Ha ha ha ha ha!" " Yeah?" " Oh, I love this purse." "I used to hang out with this go-go boy who worked at Odeon." "On Saturdays, he would snatch this bag and hit the town as a gal." "(Chuckles) Ohh." "A little pill." "Whoa." "Should you be taking that if you don't know what it is?" "It's yellow." "It'll either clean out my sinuses or make me very creative for the next eight to ten hours." "Listen, I really love kicking back with you, waiting to find out what kind of pill you just took." "Oh. (Chuckles)" "And I mean that." "(Chuckles) But, uh, we should really try and find your keys, 'cause I gotta go." "Yeah, okay." "I kinda got a job." "Ah." "A job?" "That's fantastic." "Why are you keeping this such a secret?" "It's embarrassing." "Oh." "I mean, I feel like" "I should have a viable career right now." "Right." "Like an airline pilot..." "Uh-huh." "Or the guy who takes exotic animals onto late night talk shows." "And I wasted so much time deciding between the two." "Right." "Oh." "Max must think I'm a loser." "Tell me about this gig of yours." "Well, it's, uh, it's kind of like advertising." "(Gasps) Oh, advertising." "It's very sexy." "Long hours, you know, rolled up shirt sleeves." "Stolen grab ass in the back of the copy room." "I'm working at yogurt boy." "(Gasps)" "It's just temporary, so I wanna keep it on the down low." "Right." "Well, your secret is safe with me." "Now let me tell you." "Whoa." "Yeah." "I think I just felt something." "Huh?" "Nah, it's just my sinuses opening up." "Oh." "Pity." "You know?" "(Gong crashes, new age music playing)" "We really don't recommend doing all this in one day." "Oh, Max, see?" "They don't recommend doing all this in one day." "No one agrees with you." "Okay, if it's the last thing I do, you will do these tasks." "Even when I'm dead, I will instruct my attorney to hold you to this until he is dead, at which point, this will go into a trust." "As far as the beauty treatments, it's a little last minute, so in terms of the order..." "Mm." "That is not our problem." "Our problem is this man deciding that today is my "aha!" Moment." "It is... it is her "aha!" Moment." "'Cause I happened to spend like $600 on his credit card, which, by the way..." "Just thought of it..." "A welcome for the miles?" "$600?" "Ah, thank you." "A woman who understands the value of money." "(Scoffs) Good work... dash..." "Dashawn... dashwanda." "Uh, am I saying that right?" "Ahh." "Yeah." "(Paper rustling)" "You know, I don't understand why you're giving me the attitude." "'Cause you're treating me like a child with her first bank account, okay?" "I know money." "I've had money." ""Had" is not the same as "have."" ""I had two testicles." And by the way, if you're such a financial genius, why are you living under my roof?" "Oh, that is a low blow and a good point." "Well, let me take that... please." "(Paper rustles)" "Oh, n-not... not..." "Oh, okay." "See, now you're just acting silly." "Oh!" "Hey, I wanna... see?" "Okay, that wingspan is ridiculous." "Look at this." "The classes, a-a massage." "Yeah." "I don't even know what..." "You're whining about nothing." "Is it... is it possible for me to get into these dealios here?" "I can make them two for one." "Okay, here we go." "Let's do this." "(Air traffic controller's "hurry hurry" playing)" "(Hissing)" "(Grunting)" "Okay." "Uh, don't really know how to explain how the sun got up there." "♪ Miss something if I keep bumping ♪" "♪ The most significant stuff, all my friends ♪" "♪ And all the loose ends and this love of mine ♪" "♪ 'Cause I'm running out of time ♪" "♪ Who am I?" "Am I still the same guy?" "♪" "♪ Or have I lost something as I keep stomping?" "♪" "♪ Am I enough?" "Every bit of myself ♪" "♪ I ignore the signs" "♪ As I'm running out of time" "♪ Hurry hurry, oh" "♪ Hurry hurry, whoa, hurry hurry ♪" "(lowered voice) I am so bored." "Can I please play on your phone?" "Do you have solitaire?" "Are you transcending?" "What does it feel like when you're transcending?" "I think I might have done it there for a second, but I also..." "Have just been falling asleep." "♪" "This feels weird." "Has mine started yet?" "♪ Whoa" "Grandma, I'm hungry." "Well, let me get you some... goldfish crackers." "(Sets down bag)" "(Clink)" "Why don't you just tell grandpa you lost your keys?" "Isn't it always best to tell the truth?" "Well... there's good lying and bad lying." "In this case, I am totally wrong, but I don't care." "I just don't want the lecture." "So not telling him is good lying." "(Clank)" "Oh, my God." "There they are." "Your keys?" "(Closes drawer) No." "My cigarettes." "When did I put them in there?" "Mmm." "Grandma, I thought you quit smoking." "Well, I did." "It's just that sometimes" "I want a cigarette so bad, I just have one." "Smoking's really bad for you, and I've been promising grandpa you'd quit, and then that is bad lying." "Right, but you not telling grandpa we found these is good lying." "Ha!" "See how that works?" "Oh, there's the face." "How can I disappoint the face?" "Having a cigarette would make it a heck of a lot easier, that's for sure, but no." "They're going in the trash." "Ooh!" "Why don't we bury 'em in the backyard, like we did with my hamster?" "An elaborate funeral for a nasty habit." "(Singsongy) Love it!" "And now you're drinking two wines?" "I'm in mourning." "So you've got your stuff over there." "You'll clock in." "Now you may think there's nothing to this job." "But you're gonna be the face of yogurt boy, so take it seriously." "Okay, I do." "I do." "I even came..." "I even came up with a pretty cool slogan." "Listen. "Make your boy a yogurt boy boy."" "Congratulations." "You just alienated half our clientele." "Girls eat yogurt, genius." "Campbell, buddy, I'm trying to play ball with you here." "Okay?" "But I'm gonna need you to dial down the snark just a couple of notches." "I mean, come on." "Working at yogurt boy. (Scoffs)" "I'm getting a lot of push back from you, and I got a pile of resumes in my backpack, so..." "No, no." "No, no." "No, no, no, no, no." "I'm..." "I'm good, okay?" "I want this job." "Hey." "You do a good job out here, and one year, you're at the counter." "In two years, you're me." "And in three years, you're..." "Actually, the company's only two years old." "You know what happens in three years." "(Sniffs) Hey, it smells like pee in here." "Yeah, that's 'cause the last guy used to pee in there." "(Sighs) (Organ playing somber music)" "Not everyone here had the privilege to know these menthols, but for those of us who did, let's remember the joy, tears, time I set my skirt on fire." "We drank together." "We danced together." "We took a drag to punctuate a laugh, and yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death," "I shall fear no evil because... (Inhales deeply)" "Well, I'm just not that kind of person. (Laughs)" "Sweetie?" "(Sighs) Supercalifragilistic- expialidocious." "Brilliant." "(Whispers) Absent friends." "Now I helped you feel a sense of accomplishment." "That's why these things are done in a certain order." "Well, I think the stripes look great." "Makes you look taller." "Ah." "Excuse me." "I never got the dealio coupon for the acupuncture." "Do you have it?" "Let me see." "Oh, I got these..." "(Mints rattle)" "Eye drops and mints." "We didn't give it to you?" "No." "Lip balm." "Cell phone." "World's smallest harmonica." "(Plays notes)" "Okay, let me see." "I have my keys. (Keys clatter)" "Mom's keys." "Mom's keys?" "Huh." "(Chuckles)" "Look who's having an "aha!" Moment now." "Well, looking for dealio." "No!" "No, I..." "Whoo!" "I can't leave without me grabbing all my stuff." "I'm queen of the world!" "Dashwanda, watch my harmonica!" "(Door opens) Polly!" "Hey!" "Yogurt boy boy!" "Come on!" "Hey!" "Yogurt!" "What the... oh!" "Wait." "(Engine starts) Don't..." "Polly!" "I am driving home to tell mom that you had the keys all along, and you are hitchhiking or something." "It's all coming to me in a flush of childish inspiration." "Young lady, I demand that you turn off this car, and we're gonna have a discussion like adults." "Open it up." "Okay, open." "That is not adult-like. (Tires screech)" "Nothing adult-like about what you're doing." "Let me in." "Hey, if you want a ride home, just take out your phone, call mom, and tell her you had the keys." "Oh, okay, okay." "Stop, stop, stop!" "I will." "(Tires screech)" "Okay." "Okay, here, look." "Elaine, I have the keys." "You didn't even respect me enough to fake dial." "Do you have any idea what would happen if I called her and gave her that information?" "It would unravel the fabric of our entire family dynamic." "Or would Mr. perfect have to eat a plate of crow so large that the crow would have to be genetically engineered by scientists from the future?" "Okay." "Ow." "I don't even know what that means." "Before you came along," "I could ride a big wheel on the carpet, and I was happy." "I brought order to chaos." "So did emperor palpatine." "Who?" "Darth vader's boss." "Uh-huh." "He had lightning hands." "(Tires screech) (Laughs)" "I always feel bad about myself 'cause I'm not doing things as good as you do." "Well, now we all know the truth." "You don't even do things as good as you do." "Oh..." "(Tires peal)" "That's not true!" "One black Mark on my record does not undo a lifetime of planning..." "Heard it all before!" "Thinking things through, and keep your eyes on the road. (Speaks indistinctly)" "No!" "Keep your eyes on the road!" "(Brakes squeal)" "Aah!" "Uhh!" "Aah!" "(Brakes squeal)" "Ohh!" "(Groans)" "I hope you're happy!" "Oh, my God." "Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God." "Oh, oh." "I..." "(Car door closes)" "Oh, my God." "I hit a yogurt." "I hit..." "Are you okay?" "I think you just broke my spoon." "Hey, Max." "Julian?" "What is happening right now?" "Julian?" "(Grunts) I got a job." "I mean, this is my job." "I didn't wanna tell you." "I am so sorry I hit you." "I am so..." "(Smack)" "Proud of you for getting work." "Go ahead, Max." "Make fun." "No, you have no reason to be ashamed for making a living." "Good for you, son." "Good for you." "Hello?" "Oh, I'm smiling." "Oh, okay." "L-listen." "I am going to get you a water." "I think he just peed himself." "No, no." "That was the guy before me." "Oh." "Oh." "Oh." "What are you doing here, anyway?" "And why are you turning into a tiger?" "Oh." "Max made me do all the dealios in one day to prove some crazy point about not wasting money." "Wow." "He's got to save money." "What?" "Yeah." "I saw his will." "He really wants to look out for you and Natalie." "You saw his will?" "You know, my actual father..." "He left me owing money on 90 saltwater fish tanks that he bought." "I still have a few if you're interested." "And then I had an actual "aha!" Moment." "My stepfather, the man yelling at the 23-year-old yogurt shop manager, is so concerned about me, he even wants to take care of me after he's dead." "(Door closes) Good God." "What happened to you?" "(Gasps) You look weird, mom." "(Door closes) Oh, you know, spa day." "I feel like a princess." "So, mom, any luck finding your keys?" "I have not lost my keys... (Clenches teeth) So I don't know what you're talking about." "If she has 'em, she has 'em." "Come on, nat." "Help mama loofah this crap off her." "That's a pretty picture." "Yeah, right." "Hmm." "You know what I was thinking?" "We'll go to the dealer, and we'll get a new key today." "Just so we'll have an extra one." "How's that?" "I feel like something happened." "Also I have no pubic hair now." "(Laughs) (Chuckles) (Slaps leg)" "Oh, I wanna see that." "(Knock on door)" "Well, I used every exfoliating product I have, and my face looks a lot better, but it feels kinda a little bit like... bologna." "(Keys jangle)" "I get it." "You're just pretending nothing happened." "Those keys are a time bomb." "You're gonna hold on to 'em, and you're gonna use 'em at some point." "And I'm not gonna know when it's gonna go off like a..." "like a..." "Time bomb." "Oh." "Um... (Jangles)" "(Keys clatter)" "Okay, actually, I'm really confused now." "I don't know if it was the acupuncture or hittin' the yogurt, but... maybe I... misinterpreted how annoying you are." "I mean, it's all just due to how much you love me or something." "And... maybe..." "I'm not grateful enough that you came into our lives." "I don't know what would have happened to me and mom if you hadn't." "You took care of me, and you didn't have to." "Because I just sometimes forget to remember the good parts." "You're doing it, Polly." "That's it." "I got you." "I got you!" "Yeah, baby!" "I got you." "Whoo!" "You always had me." "Always." "(Switch clicks)" "I'm in here." "While Max settled on an even more delightful location for my mom's keys, my mom decided to reconnect with an old friend." "(Click)" "(Keys clatter)" "(Click)"