"How many since junior high?" "How many since the show went on the air in 1986?" "This is the real thing, it's our 20th season and we're very proud of that." "You can see we use the whole theater for the show." "We have sets, ***." "If there's something that you can't see, it will be up on those 2 big screens TVs." "And if there's something you still can't see, we really can't help you." "Okay, okay, I'm sure you guys you know how you know how this works." "We start with our cold-open." "And then we smash into a VTR or Video Tape Recording." "Also known as our main titles." "And over the VTR, our very own Herb Silver says:" "Live from Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip, it's Friday Night in Hollywood." "We're gonna have a great show." "From the ABC smash hit Desperate Housewives," "Felicity Huffman is here tonight." "36 Mafia is here." "How long these guys have been here?" "Allright Woody, take us to the start, my baby." "Let's keep this rational, all right?" "We have to have some rationality here." "This conversation is..." "Excuse me." "I want Jack Rudolph on the phone." "Sorry, I don't know how to call..." "Jack's at a dinner party." "Let's disturb him!" "Jack pays me to make these calls." "And Jack pays me to do this show, you ridiculous fat ass." " What is your name ?" " Suzanne." "Suzanne, pick up that phone, dial 06, tell my secretary I want the chairman of NBS." "Yes, sir." " Stay where you are." " Suzanne." "I'm trying to save us all a lot of tsuris." "Jerry, this sketch is funny." "It killed at dress." "And funny is in very short supply these days." "I'm in charge of Broadcast Standards and Practices," "I'm not in charge of funny." "Who's it gonna offend, huh?" "Tell me." "Wes..." "Just give me the names." "People who... religious people." "God, Wes!" "And you knew that when you..." "What do you want me to say to the 50 million people who are gonna go out of their minds as soon as it airs?" "First of all, you can tell them that we average 9 millions households." "So that's at least 41 million who're full of crap." "And second, you can tell them that living with this free speech means sometimes, you get offended." "You gotta cut the sketch." "What am I gonna replace it with?" "Whatever you want, Peripheral Vision Man is ready." "Peripheral Vision Man is not funny." "He's never been funny." "I know what." "I wanna talk to Jordan MacDeere." "You can't." "She's at a dinner party too?" "Yes." "Yes, she is." "It's the same dinner party." "It's a dinner party for Jordan MacDeere." "You don't have a lot of time." "What happens if I say no?" "What if I go on air with the sketch?" "I'm not gonna answer that." "Why not?" "'Cause if you still had the muscle to do it, you wouldn't have asked." "Tell control room we're cutting 4A." "And filling it with Peripheral Vision Man." "Thank you." "Studio 60, this is the broadcast center, you're up on rooter 2." "Have a good show." " Thank you, 2 minutes." " Thank you." "We're blowing off 4A." " You're kidding?" " No." "It killed at dress, it was smart." "It never had a chance." "What are we filling with?" "Peripheral Vision Man." "Ricky and Ron are just gonna writing that one till somebody laughs, huh?" " What was the time of 4A?" " 4'10." "What's the time of our Peripheral Vision Man?" "3'45." "All right, tell the writers' room, hey're gonna have to stretch another 25 seconds and I'm sure that making it longer was the missing ingredient in making it funny." "Stand-by, we're gotta change the 4A." "90 seconds live." " Good show." " Eat 'em up!" "...which isn't how we do it on Wisteria Lane." "On Wisteria Lane, we'd invite the suspect over to a book club." "You know actually I was told these were gonna change." "Are these the newest cards?" "Yeah, we just copied 'em down." "Felicity, decision time." "Are we going with the slutty dress or the very slutty dress?" "Oh, could you hang on just a second?" "Thanks." "W es!" " Wes!" " Yeah." " Hey!" " Hey, you look great." "Well, I'm not dressed yet." "I wanted to ask you about the Desperate Housewives run in the monologue." "I'll do whatever you want." "But I thought we decided it wasn't really working which is what the rehearsal audience kinda confirmed." "Yeah, I apologize." "I really do." "I..." "We were unable to get to it." "Oh." "Are you all right?" "Yeah." "I'm sorry I was unable to spend that much time with you this week." "You're in a class by yourself, Felicity." "Knock 'em dead." "Wes..." "Is there anything you can tell me that will make me feel better about the monologue?" "Your instincts aren't wrong, it's not funny." "Come on, babe, just tell me what you need." "I need the very slutty dress and somebody else to wear it." "20 seconds." "Doug, you wanna frame that up?" "I need to see the head on Tom's shoulder." "The chair." "Dylan's hand." "His right hand." "Just frame it up." "15 seconds." " 31." " Last looks." "We're live in 8, 7, 6, 5, 4..." "My fellow americans," "I'm here to speak to you tonight about a very serious subject." "My legacy." "Legacy is a 480 SAT word which turns out does not mean a woman with nice legs as in" "Paula Zahn primo legacy." "Hell, my friends." "Legacy means the impact one leaves behind." "Stop this." "Stop this." "Let's stop it, Tom!" "Can he hear you?" "Listen, fellows, we're gonna stop it." " Did we lose the feed?" " No, we're..." "live." "I'd like both of you to clear the stage." "I don't want anyone to think you were part of this." "Clear the stage." "Go on!" "Go on!" "Go on!" "It's not gonna be a very good show tonight." "And I think you should change the channel." " When did they put this in?" " Change the channel." "Right now." "Does anyone know what the hell is going on?" "No, I know it seems it's supposed to be funny but tomorrow you're gonna find out that it wasn't and by that time, I'll have been fired." "No, this.. this is not..." "No, this.. this is not a sketch." " Uh... this is real." " You wanna go to VTR?" "This show used to be cutting edge political and social satire but it's gotten lobotomized by a candy-ass broadcast network hell bent on doing absolutely nothing that might just challenged their audience." "We were about to do a sketch you've seen already about 5000 times." "Yeah, no one is gonna confuse George Bush with George Clinton." "Now, we get it." "We're all being lobotomized by this country's most influential industry." "It's just rolling the towel on any endeavor to do anything that doesn't include the courting of 12 year old boys." "Not even the smart 12 year old, the stupid ones, the idiots which there are plenty thanks in no small measure to this network." "So why don't you just change the channel?" "Turn off the TVs!" "Do it right now!" "Go ahead!" " Get the camera off of him!" " Put it on what?" " Cut the boom mike then." " It's his show." "I take my instructions from him." "...a struggle between art and commerce." "It has always been a struggle between art and commerce but now I 'm telling you, art is getting its ass kicked." "And it's making us mean." "And it's making us bitchy." "It's making us cheap punks." "That's not who we are!" "People are having contest to see how much they can be like Donald Trump!" "Are you bleeping this out?" "He hasn't said anything you're not allowed to say." "He's telling people to change the channel." "I don't think you have to worry about anybody changing the channel right now." "Get him off or you don't have a job tomorrow!" "I'm running a live national broadcast, can you threaten me later?" "We're eating worms for money!" "Who wants to screw my sister?" "A guy who's getting killed in a war that's themed music and a logo?" "That remote in your hand is a crack pipe." "Oh yeah every once in a while, we prentend to be appauled." "Cal!" "I'm waiting for him to say something taht isn't true." "Who else here knows how to do this?" " Get out of my control room!" " Get him off!" " You've got 2 kids in school." " What?" "She's saying you've got 2 kids in private school whose father is 5 seconds away from never working again." "Pornographers!" "It's not even good pornography!" "They're just this side of snuff films." "And friends, that's what's next because that's all there's left." "Cal, come on!" "And the 2 things that make them scared gutless of the FCC and every psycho-religious cult that gets positively horny" " at the very mention of a boycott." " All right, stand-by VTR." "We're gonna cut in early." "...feckless, off the charts, green filled whore house." "There he is!" " This thoroughly unpatriotic motherf..." " Go VTR now!" "If you'll give me your attention," "I'd like to offer a toast to Jordan MacDeere" "J ordan..." "I've been reviewing your resume." "2 years in business affairs at Atlantic records, 2 years as vice president charged of production at United Artists a company I was suprised to learn still existed." "Four years at NBC where she saw to it that Leno spanked David Letterman on a regular basis." "To the news division you went in the CBS morning show where you took the program from a 16 to a 19 share and a 13% increase in the demo." "Jack, I commend you for making such an astute hire." "Jordan, I welcome you to the Tunney Media Group." "As the new president of the National Broadcasting System," "I ask only one thing of you:" "unprecedented success." "Here, here." "Thank you very much, Mr. White." "And thank you Jack and Marylin for hosting this wonderful party." "I also wanted to thank the caterers, this..." "Oh, I didn't... the food is..." "The woman said this was important." "Oh." "Excuse me, I'm sorry." "It's from my asssitant." "Something's happened at Studio 60." " Can I use your phone?" " Yeah, sure, it's in the office." "Can't be that big a deal." "Nothing bad is gonna happen on my first day, right?" "Yo, Academy Award winners 36 Mafia." "Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip is going down, yeah!" " What happened?" " I cut a sketch and he went crazy." "I need Shelly Green, I need to speak to Steve Cantor." "I need a tape, somebody play this thing back for me." "I need a room." "Excuse me, we're still in the middle of the show." "Shut up!" "Who's using this room?" "36 Mafia but they're on stage." "In here." "Oh!" "Are you kidding me?" "You gotta let me fire the control room director." "Somebody wanna get rid of the bong and the loose joints?" " Jack..." " I'll grab the loose joint." "Look, we'll get to the director." "We need it on half inch." "For the love..." "We work in television!" "Left him off for 53 seconds before I..." "Thank you." "Thank you." "Where is he?" " How are you?" " Fine." "Who are you?" "I'm Jordan MacDeere, I'm the new president." "Oh, yeah." "We met." "So how are you enjoying your first day?" "What was the sketch about?" "What?" "That got cut." "What was it about?" " Wesley?" " Yeah?" " You're fired." " No kidding?" "Escort him off the property." "He doesn't talk to any press while he's on this property." "I'm sorry about all this." "In times like this, the world needs a superhero with a full 180° field of sight, the world needs..." "Periperal Vision Man." "In a scene reminiscent of Patty Chayefsky's classic film Network," "Studio 60 executive producer Wes Mandell hijacked tonight's live audience." "He was mad as hell and he wasn't going to take it anymore." "The NBS flagship program Studio 60 Oscar winning performance in 1977 film Network, Wes Mandell..." "Disaster and embarrassment at NBS as tonight's broadcast of Studio 60 got off to a start that would have made Patty Chayefsky smile." "You believe this?" "I say they've heard of Patty Chayefsky, that's a step in the right direction." "Sir, they're ready for you." "That was a faux pas back there." "Where?" "The dinner party, you don't compliment the caterer in front of the hostess." "I don't wanna start throwing my weight around right away, Shell', but that's probably not gonna be a hard priority tonight." "Shelly, muzzles on the cast, mouths shut." "Nobody talks until I say so." "Howard, what does legal think?" "They're looking at the tape, it could be anything from the FCC to a class action suit." "What about the news division?" "They're not gonna like the crack about having theme music and a logo for the war." "Advertisers relations." "We're trying to get them on the phone but it's not that easy this late on a Friday." "Same thing with the affiliates." "The remark about War Meeting and Who wants to screw my sister, he was talking about our shows?" "We don't know." "Is there something funny about this, Jordan?" "God!" "Jack, there's like 7 things funny about this." "We're not sure which sister-pimping show he was talking about?" "I meant..." "The FCC doesn't have us on anything and a law suit wouldn't pass the laugh test." "And by the way, you can try but you can't stop the cast from talking to the press." "And certainly not the Big 3." "The news division?" "The news division can kiss me." "Report the damn news!" "The Big 3?" "What has Detroit got to do with this?" "No, she's talking about..." "not the car companies, she's talking about Harriet Hayes, Tom Jeter and Simon Stiles." "They're the leaders of the group." "Jordan, are you saying that we're overreacting to this hideous, humiliating and possibly actionable event that occured on our air?" "No, I'm saying you're dramatically underreacting to it." "We don't care about any of this." "What do we care about?" "That they're gonna say he was right." " What?" " They're gonna say he was right." "Every cable shows is gonna have non-stop round tables about how Hollywood's taking our national culture to hell on a speedboat." "And we just became the symbol of that." "How'd there become 2 sides of this?" "When you fired Wes." "Jordan, you can't be suggesting, this is what happen in the damn movie, you can't be suggesting we give him his show back." "No, he's done at this network." " Then what are you suggesting?" " Let's talk in my office." "I don't know where my office is." "What are you suggesting?" "We need a new story and Studio 60 needs a new executive producer and head writer." "I wanna hire Matt Albie and Danny Tripp." " No!" "No, no, no." " Yeah." "I have a history with these guys." " No kidding?" " I fired them." "I know the history, Jack." "People in Kansas know the history." "That's why it's a good story." "It's a big story and we get to control it." "We're gonna hire two people who hate your guts and we're gonna do it..." " You know..." " Listen..." "'Cause we're committed to quality." "Hiring Matt and Danny is a tacid admission of guilt and a silent act of contrition and that's what required here." "What the hell am I guilty of?" "I could read you the charges but we don't have that kind of time." "You talk to your bosses at NBC like this?" "Everyday." "That's how I became president of a network." "I hire these guys back, I'll look completely deballed." "You don't need all the fingers on one hand to count the number of people who care about your balls right now." "I've got news for you, sister." "As long as I'm one of them, so are you." "They're exceptionally qualified." "It's a splashy choice, they're classy." " Yeah, classy." " They are and we need that right now." "You're never gonna get these guys to come back to television." " I will." " How?" "I'll get 'em." "You know something I don't know?" "Yeah and we're keeping it that way." "Even if you get 'em, you get to pay 'em." "Oh, I'm gonna back up a Brinks truck." "So when do you wanna do this?" "Now." "Tonight." "I want all this standing together for press conference" "Monday noon to announce and take questions." "You're gonna get this all done on a Friday night." "Yeah." "You got a thing for one of these guys?" "Or both of these guys?" "I dont know either one of them personally." "Is that a question you were asked when you hired me?" "You bet your ass it was." "I need to get started now." "I need to get to Matt and Danny." "I'm gonna want to meet with them before any hands are shaken." "They're not gonna audition for you, Jack." "We're gonna have a conversation." "And what will you say in this conversation?" "Whatever I damn well please." "You saw how fast I fired Wes Mandell?" "Screw this up..." "I'll fire you faster." "I'm not like every other heterosexual male in show business, Jordan," "I don't find you charming." "And you've earned the loyalty of absolutely no one." "So you go ahead, you take your first steps towards making us all classy again." "We've been waiting for you." "That's your office." "Oh!" "Sorry." "That was strange." "I'm sorry." " You okay?" " Yeah." "I'm on some medication right now that I guess makes me not know where chairs are." "He means he's on back medication." "Yeah." "Hmm?" "How did you hurt your back?" "It happened when a surgeon sliced it open with a knife." "He had back surgery a few days ago." "You're on Vicodin?" "Yeah, I may have exceeded the recommended dosage." "Should you be out of bed this soon?" "I play with pain." "Well, they haven't got to your category yet, they're doing the awards between courses this year." "Where's your wife?" "Sitting right next to her husband, I was just talking to you." "Sure." "I'm on a little Vicodin and some Perkaset and a steroid called Nortozon... side effect of which is mania." "I swear to God, it says so right on the bottle." "You're here alone?" "Completely alone." " They broke up." " Oh, no." "Why?" "'Cause he couldn't stop himself from speaking." "I was right." "She was wrong." "I'm all about the truth, partner." "Be about the truth, just don't do it out aloud." " That's fine." " Is it?" "Yeah." "Good, 'cause Karen here got invited to the Fridy night wrap party." "I thought it might be a fun thing to do after." "For Studio 60?" "Yeah, I'm friends with Felicity Huffman and she's guest hosting tonight." "No." "No, no, no." " Come on!" " You don't like Felicity?" "No, I like Felicity fine." "Just the woman I broke up with is a castmember and it would be ankward if I went to the party and killed her on front of all those people." " Which one?" " The thing is, if you get him..." "Harriet Hayes." "Matty, what happened with you and Harriet?" "It's because the Star Bangle Banner." "That's why we broke up, the Star Bangle Banner and what used to be called honesty." "What does the Star Bangle Banner have to do with you guys breaking up?" "She was singing before a Dodger game." "Who were they playing?" "St Louis." "Danny and I just got back from London to do press for the movie and that's an 11 hour flight and an 8 hour time difference so I didn't have time to make it out to the stadium after I landed." " And she got mad?" " Yes, she certainly did." "But that's not why we broke up." "Thank you, the nominees tonight in the category of Best Original Screenplay..." "If it wasn't because you weren't there, then what did you do to her?" "I didn't do anything to her." "She said "I was great by the way." "I got a standing ovation."" "And I said very sincerely "Harriet, I'm sure you were great." "But it was the national anthem." "They were standing all right."" "Why would you say that?" "Because first of all I was trying to make her laugh which is a nice thing to do and second Roseanne Barr got a standing ovation when she sang." "To not say anything would have been patronizing." "So you get it!" "No, no, no." "You blew it with Harriet Hayes." "I'm the only sane person I know." "Yeah!" "Thanks, man." "I miss her." "I really do." "I'm dying inside and I appreciate your support." " Matt." " Yeah?" "Go up on the stage now." " Why?" " You just won." " Really?" " Yeah." "Hey, that's great." "Hey, is he gonna be okay up there?" "Accepting awards in front of ballrooms full of people is the only place he is okay." " Danny." " Yeah?" " Danny." " Did you see our boy just won?" "I need to talk to you." "I need to talk to you outside now." "We're gonna listen to this." "Thank you." "Thanks very much." "I need to see tape." "Before I go any farther, I wanna acknowledge our director Danny Tripp." "Whether it's on a set or at my desk, he's never not been there for me." "Would you move the follow spot over to Danny on table 15?" "You see that there's nobody there too, right?" "Harriet!" "Harriet!" "Get her inside!" "Right this way, Mrs. Hayes." "You had some trouble tonight, huh?" "A little adventure." "Stevy is in New York but I'm in constant contact with him." "We're all coordinating with Shelly at the network." "You're the one they wanna talk to 'cause they're starting to hear about the nature of the sketch that got cut." "They're gonna wanna know if you thought that was offensive." "I'm not an expert on christian people, Daphne." "All right, Stevy says you don't wanna talk about your religion right now." "Stevy doesn't have to convince me of that." " Kettle martini rocks." " Thanks, Sandy." " Wes is in the back." " Thank you." "Thank you." " Tight show tonight." " Yes!" "What went on in the control room?" "We got word the sketch was cut." "Next thing I knew wes was up on stage," "Standers blew into the room and I waited 53 seconds before I pulled the plug." "There had to be a lot of confusion, it's not like they are rules or procedures for this kind of thing." "No, there are strict rules for this kind of thing and I just didn't follow any of them." " What's Matt saying?" " What do you mean?" " Have you talked to Matt?" " Matt and I broke up." "Oh, that's righ I heard." "Star bangle banner?" "No, it wasn't..." "It doesn't matter." "I just wanted to see if you were all right." "I'm fine." "I've been told to sit tight and wait for word..." "You know, rock stars and cocktail waitresses, there's worse places you can be told to wait." "Word on what?" "I faced off with standards during a live broadcast, Harri." "The guys I know who've done that feel lucky when they get a job directing Good Morning El Paso." "We'll stick together." "I'm sorry about Matt." "I'm a big fan of his and I like him a lot." "I'm a big fan of his and I hate his breathing guts." "Come on, it's Mattie, he made a joke about you..." "It wasn't the Dodger game and don't worry about it." "I'll be saying a prayer for you." "Thanks." "Has anybody seen Felicity Huffman?" "I'm pretty sure she was on the first train out as soon as the good nights were done." "We should send her a box of candy or something." "Yeah, that will do the trick." "Harri!" "I had to navigate 14 people asking me if I was offended by the sketch and if I had spoken to Matt." "Have you talked to Matt?" "No, I..." "First of all, why didn't you asked me first if I was offended by the sketch?" "And second, no, I haven't talked..." "Why would I?" "No." "And Matt is all of a sudden going to be the calming voice of wisdom?" "He and Danny are laughing their asses off." " I gotta ask you something." " What?" "If it wasn't the Star Bangle Banner..." "No, no, we are not talking about that." "In fact, if we could just never talk about Matt in any way ever again, that would be fine." "First me then the show." "Matt got a toofer." "It took 4 years but the show collapsed without them." "You guys want some nice news in a bad night?" "Matt just won the Writers Guild Award." "Please let me watch you smoke a cigarette." "Hey, Harriet!" "You pray before every show, right?" "So what happened tonight?" "I mean, didn't that work?" "What?" "Didn't you just do it right?" "He's wasted." "I'm just asking." "You know what?" "When you start making a contribution to the show, you can talk to me any way you want." "But you had 2 lines tonight and you stepped on one of them." "So until you either accept Jesus Christ as your personal savior or make somebody laugh, why don't you talk to somebody else?" "Don't do that." "Right?" "Yes, sir." "Were you offended by the sketch?" "I was offended I wasn't in the sketch." "I thought the writing was of a level we hadn't had in years." "And frankly, I was surprised that Wes was capable of it." "Are we sure that Wes wrote it?" "Well, it wasn't Ricky and Ron." "You sure?" "Ricky and Ron suddenly being able to write like that is like me suddenly being able to play the chello." "Hey, guys." "Yeah." "You're being called back to the studio." " Who?" " Everybody." "This is it." "Come on, I wanna put you in the green room till we're ready." "No, I think I'll wait out here for Danny." "I'd really like you to come inside." "Yeah, except there may be somebody in there I don't really want..." " What the hell is going on?" " We'll explain inside." "Yeah, I'm gonna wait out here for Danny." "Wait with him." "He's here with me now." "We're upstairs." "Okay." "She's here." "Well, there's gonna be some horny psycho religious cults tonight." "I'm sorry." "Are we in your room?" "The hotel just let us in to use the V..." "Are we in somebody's room?" " Danny, I'm Jordan MacDeere." " Jordan's here to see you." " Me?" " Yeah." "This all..." "I was gonna say this all happened on your first day." "As a matter of fact, my contract doesn't start till Monday." "Technically, I suppose I could blow all this off and go to Cabo for the weekend." "You wanna come?" "I don't have my passport." "You came to see me?" " I did." " Why?" "To ask you to go to Cabo." "But since you can't do that, what about this:" "you and Matt Albie run Studio 60." "You want Matt and me to run the show?" "Yeah." "Right now as a matter of fact." "Your cast and crew and staff are gathering..." "That's why you came here, you came here to find me." "Yeah." "God!" "No!" "We're making a movie right now." "Danny..." "Gearing up to start production on a new screenplay." "I don't think you are." "You know what I'm not comfortable having this converation without..." "I'm assuming that you fired Wes." "Yeah." "Yeah, I can't have this conversation until I got his..." "Blessing?" " You have it." " Sorry?" "You have his blessing, you can call him if you want." "Jordan, I think we oughta talk about..." "What did you mean when you said..." "I said..." ""We're making a movie" and you said "I don't think so"." "Jordan knows about the test." "I'm sorry?" "I have an ex boyfriend who's an executive at Gray Wester Mutual and he tells me things he's not supposed to tell me." " Is that right?" " Yeah." "And he doesn't wanna be your ex boyfriend anymore." "I know you failed your physical." "That hooked up with the fact that you were in rehab 11 years ago means you can't get your completion insurance until you've had 18 months of clean test." "I'm sorry to bring it up like this, it's... certainly none of my business." "You'll be able to get bonded again in 18 months and I need you for 2 years so... just about works out." " It does?" " Yeah." " You're blackmailing me." " I absolutely am not." "Blair, how many other people know about this?" "I don't know, Danny, but Jordan's saying it doesn't matter." "It matters I haven't told Matt." "Matt doesn't know." "The information I have interests me only as much as it means you're available... to do a job that you're great at and that you love." "I have to go downstairs." "The money will be more than what you'd make directing a feature which you're not gonna be able to do for another year and a half anyway." "All I need you to do is come down to the studio, make your peace with Jack Rudolph, take over the show and then knock it out of the park for me." "I have to go downstairs." " Matt's not down there anymore." " Where is he?" "He's meeting you at the stage, he's been taken in a separate car." "I'm going over there now but not to talk to your boss or take over the show or hit it out of the park but to tell Matt before you do 'cause that's your next step." "I have no intention of telling Matt or anyone else." "That's nice." "But I have no reason to trust you and every reason not to." " Why?" " You work in television." "Call down for my car, please." "How you doing?" " Fine." " Good." "Matt!" "Where the hell did you go?" "It's all right." "Sorry about that." "I said "he's never not been there for me"" "then there was a follow spot on a basket and dinner rolls." "Sorry." "What's going on?" "Do you know about Wes?" "Do you know what happened?" "Yeah, and they are offering us the show." "What?" "They want us to run the show." "They want us to come back?" "Yeah, I have to talk to you about something else." " I can't direct the movie." " What do you mean?" "You have to get somebody else." "I..." "I..." "Took my insurance physical a week ago and I tested positive for cocaine." "I need 18 months of clean test before I can get a completion bond." "All right." " Okay, are you all right?" " Yeah." "I'm fine." " Okay." "Wait." " Look." " Wait." " Matt." "I'll bond you." " What?" " I'll pay for the bond." "How much money do you have?" "Well, with my savings and investments and my percentage of the first dollar gross of this movie..." " $65." " Matt." "So, we'll make some budget cuts, we shoot in Vancouver." "No, we're not shooting in Vancouver." "Drawing the line on the insanity." "Vancouver doesn't look like anything." "Doesn't even like Vancouver." "It looks like Boston, California." "You need to go to another director." "Wait a second!" "Wait a second!" "They must know!" "That's how they knew we were available." "Some guy at the insurance company wants to sleep with Jordan MacDeere." "Who doesn't want to sleep with Jordan MacDeere?" "They're swinging this thing in of your face?" " The point is, the new movie..." " Sons of bitches!" "Matt!" "Matt!" "Hey, guys." "So, are they coming here or what?" "I have a strong hunch that they are." " A hunch?" " Yeah." "Listen do you drive a brand new black Lexus by any chance?" "Yes." "I owe you a left tail light and a rear bumper." "I was just writing you on a note..." "Excuse me." " Matt, I'm Jordan." " Matt Albie." "I couldn't be a bigger fan of yours." " Thank you." " Matt!" "You don't have to introduce yourself, Jack." "We've met." "Are you people using the confidential information that Danny failed a drug test to force him into taking over Studio 60 to deflect attention to what happened on the air tonight?" "He failed a drug test?" "Yeah, actually, Matt, I was the only one who knew about that." "Should have trusted me a little, Danny." "Sorry about that." "That one was all me." "Yeah." "Ironically, I'm the one who's high a paper kite right now but legitimately, I had back surgery Tuesday." "L5S1 if that means anything to you." "Stop talking now?" "Yeah, you bet." "Well, now that I understand Jordan's magic ingredients tonight," " why don't we talk?" " Congratulations on your WGA award." "Thank you." "What did you think of Wes' speech?" "Which one of us are you talking to?" "Either one." "It was... unprofessional." "It was indefensible." "What do you think I think?" "I'm not talking about the presentation so much as the content." "Its content..." "It's a little hard to..." "I found he tried to cram a lot of large generalities into a short period of time." "Do you think television is bad?" "Why do you ask?" "Because that's what you'll be asked by the press." "No, I think My Mother The Car was bad." "I think this is something else." "Well, that's a terrible answer." " Sorry." " Matt?" "What the hell are we talking about?" "You fired us 4 years ago from the number 2 spot." "We went on and got famous and no you want us back 'cause youre in a jam." "Isn't that what's going on?" "Sounds like you're in a bit of a jam too, fellows." "We're done." "We're gonna take the job." "I'll bring him around." "I'm not sure threatening him was the way to go." "I didn't make a threat." "And by the way, I didn't fire you either." "You quit." "Please Jack, the winds started blowing hard in another direction and all of a sudden weren't so funny anymore." "You put the flag over the network bug" "God forbid you should lose the bug altogether and you pointed us toward the door." "For the record, when I did, it was your hero Wes Mandell who opened it." "I know that." "There's gonna be a press conference at noon on Monday announcing that you two are running Studio 60." "I know I can count on you to answer questions in a way that doesn't embarrass the National Broadcasting System." "Will that be hard for you?" "I wouldn't think it'd be hard for anybody." "'Cause if you pointed a camera at two people masturbating, it'd be among the least embarrassing things on the National Broadcasting System." "And I'll tell Blair to start working on the deal." "I've already got a dual masturbation show in active development so..." "Keep laughing, Jordan." "This is all on you." " Excuse me, do you work here?" " Yeah." " I'm Matt Albie." " I know." "I'm Suzanne." "I'm a P.A." "How many of the cast, crew and writing staff would you say are in the building right now?" "Probably almost all of them." "Are you coming to save us?" "Would you page everyone to the stage please?" "Yes, sir." "Back stage please." "Back to the stage." "Hi." "What are you doing here?" "Danny and I are taking over the show." "You are?" "I'm your boss now so we're gonna have to postpone this fight for a couple of years." " Really?" " Yes." "No, I mean you're really taking over the show?" "Yes." "Or we could just end it now." "The fight." "That'd be fine too." "First of all, could you stop telling people we broke up because of the national anthem?" "It makes me sound like an idot." "Actually, consensus is it makes me sound like an idiot." "Well, be that as it may, and truer words were never spoke," " please stop it!" " Fine!" "We didn't brake up because of the Dodger game." "No, we didn't." "When you were promoting the movie," "I was holding your hand every step of the way." "When I had a CD to promote in 52 markets in 15 days," " you disappeared." " I didn't disappear." "You got cold and you got mean." "Right after you went on the 700 Club." "Is that timing lost on you?" "It was an album of spiritual music." "Those are the people who buy spiritual music." "I don't care if it was an album of" "The 3 Wise Men covering The Doobie Brothers." "You put on a dress and you sang for a biggot." "I sang for his audience." "Not everyone of whom is necessarily the grotesque stereotype you'd like them to be." "Most of these people have nothing except their faith and that moves me." "Throw in the Halloween costumes, you got yourelf a clown rally." "I'm sorry." "Fortunately, I'm on about 8000 milligrams of painkillers right now." "And I'm sorry if my going on Pat Robertson offended you and if I had to do it again, I wouldn't." "But the sketch that got cut..." "I stood by that sketch all week." "And I stood by it all night and I'll stand by it in front of the press." "And you know what that sketch was called?" "Crazy christians." "700 Club isn't a comedy show." "There's no way to get this idiotic argument behind us?" "No." "But score for us on Friday night so we won't have a problem." "I'm looking forward to working with you." "We're doing it." "Matt, you can get another director." "You can get someone good." "I don't want someone else, I want you." "The joke was:" "I don't want someone good, I want you." "I know what the joke was." "What happened?" "What happened?" "Nothing happened." " It just happened." " Once?" "It's a long weekend." " You talked to your sponsor?" " Yeah." " You're back at meetings?" " Yeah." "I had 11 years." "Now I have 8 days." "Why didn't you tell me?" "When I screw up, you know about it." "When you screw up, I read about it." "No, I tell you." "You're the first one I tell." "You need to go someplace?" "I mean don't think we can't shut this thing down for 30 days." "No, we can't." "Look, I'm sorry I didn't tell you I was..." "No, forget that." "But it's gonna be our show now." "And only one of us can screw up at a time and I think we both know that most of the time, it's gonna be me." "You're the big shoulders." " I hear you." " Good." "'Cause I don't remember what I just said." "I do." "Oh, boys." "Let's not have another meeting like that again, okay?" "It just makes my job harder." "Why do I care about your job being harder?" "Because you don't know it yet but I'm gonna be your dream come true." "I appreciate the sentiment but I'll believe when it when I see it." "Yeah, I get that a lot." "You know what happened the morning after it was announced I was the new president of NBS?" "What?" "TMG stock dropped three 8th of a point." "I actually caused a dip in the NASDAQ index just by showing to work in the morning." "I don't think a lot of people are betting on me." "How much latitude do we have with personnel?" "Some." "Some you're gonna have to keep though." "Ricky and Ron have 2 more years on their contract." "I don't want Ricky and Ron." "They're getting $35000 an episode." "We're not gonna eat that." "You're paying Beavis and Hack Boy $35000 an episode?" "I'm not the one who made the deal but it's there." "So they're your co-execs." "Hey, you know what this is." "It's the sketch that got cut." "I just read it, I thought it was inspired but I'm not an expert." "Matt read it and tell me what you think." "No, I'm not gonna read it." "Just read it and tell me if it should have gone on the air." " I don't need to read it." " Matt." "He doesn't need to read it." " Why?" " Because I wrote it." "Four years ago, shortly before I apparently quit." "I know." "All right, so you want me to prove it?" "Here's my first try." "Open with it next week." "You gotta give her style points." "Yeah." " You gotta ask yourself..." " What?" "What if she's for real?" "Yeah." " Cal!" " Hey!" "You left him on for 53 seconds." "Yeah." "What the hell, Cal?" "You practiced that!" "It's live air." "I'll tell you what, I don't think it was an accident." "I think you left him on." "I did." "You guys do what you gotta do here, there won't be any hard feelings." "We need you to stay." " All right then." " All right." "Cal." "If you'd left him on for 54 seconds, I'd given you a raise." "What are you smiling about?" "It's a nice studio." "It's a great studio with an incredible history." " You like it?" " Yeah." "Good." "'Cause we live here now." "Let's go!"