"So here's what you missed on Glee." "Will's dating" "The hot substitute, holly holliday." "She's totally sassy" "And you can really see why he's into her." "Sexy." "Quinn and Finn are back together in a big way, and so" "Is the Glee club." "They did original songs, and now they're" "Headed to new york." "Get out!" "Go!" "But sue thinks will made her lose at nationals, and she's" "Sort of gone over the edge, even for her, and that's saying" "Something, and that's what you missed on Glee!" "(bell ringing)" "All right." "We need $5,000" "To pay for our trip to nationals in new york." "What happened to the money that we got from the cheerios!" "?" "I guess sue was hiding it in offshore accounts" "In the cayman islands, and we're having some trouble" "Accessing some of it." "Any of it." "This is salt water taffy." "Ah, I love salt water." "When I was a student here, we paid for our entire trip" "To nationals, selling this." "Classroom to classroom," "Door to door," "We pushed this stuff like crack." "And so will we." "So, to make $5,000" "At 25 cents apiece," "We need to sell 20,000 pieces of taffy." "Wait, do you honestly think that we can sell 20,000 anythings?" "I mean, we won regionals" "For the first time since dinosaurs roamed the planet," "And I still got a freaking cherry icee facial." "Oh, my god." "I'm so sorry." "Yeah." "Santana is right." "Nobody cares about us." "I can't listen to this." "Mike, are you okay?" "No." "You guys complain all the time about being mistreated," "But you have no idea what it's like to work your butt off" "For something and have everyone, even your friends, ignore you." "I am so trying to remember his name right now." "Artie, tina, brittany and I are on the brainiacs." "Isn't that the academic decathlon team?" "Wait." "We have one of those?" "Yes, we do." "And the four of us went on the smartypants show," "And beat carmel high to go to the academic decathlon finals" "In detroit next week." "What?" "You guys were on tv?" "Well, why didn't you tell us about it?" "All:" "We did!" "Wait, I..." "I get the three of you being on the team..." "Is it because two of them are asian, and artie wears glasses?" "No..." "But brittany?" "Liz schneider was our fourth, but she got rubella." "Her parents are hippies who don't believe in vaccinations." "Brittany was the only person we could find on short notice." "Artie:" "We bribed her with dots." "That sunshine corazon" "That rachel sent to a crack house was on the other team." "I'll take "deadly cyclones," please." "Right on, soul sister." "In 1970..." "The bhola cyclone." "Correct again." "Artie:" "Luckily, we had our own secret weapon." "I'll take "cat diseases."" "I won't!" "(audience laughing) the first known case" "Of this disease was first diagnosed in calcutta in 2001." "Feline aids?" "(bell chiming)" "Rod:" "Correct." "Bonus question." "Ringworm." "Conjunctivitis." "Kidney failure." "(applause)" "Now, on to our final speed round question." "Whoever buzzes in first and answers correctly" "Will win the title and go on to our finals next week in detroit." "Our final category, "white rappers."" "Sadly, we can't afford to go to the finals, so we're gonna have" "To forfeit." "Why don't you just have your parents pay for it?" "Because we shouldn't have to." "We're a school club." "The school should pay for it." "It's a matter of pride." "You guys are absolutely right." "How much do you need to make the trip?" "With gas and motels," "If we only eat funyuns, uh, $250." "Which means..." "We just need to sell more taffy." "I'm sure you're wondering why I called you all together here" "In the dead of night," "When I'm normally out bow-hunting for hobos." "Dustin goolsby, coach of vocal adrenaline." "Sandy ryerson," "Defrocked educator and legendary friend of dorothy." "Terri schuester, shrew." "I'm also an assistant manager." "We all have one very important thing in common." "We all hate will schuester." "I have a question." "Are you single?" "Uh, I'm not gay." "I don't care." "You're hunky, and I'm what they call "predatory gay."" "I'll admit I've been on a bit of a losing streak," "Having lost regionals, and if will schuster wins at nationals," "My role as reigning champion" "At this school will be usurped." "I'm asking you for your help." "Our mission?" "To destroy the Glee club." "We'll target their fragile sense of self-esteem" "So that they implode long before they can make it to nationals." "And I call this union The league of doom." "Ooh." "Okay, first of all, that is a ridiculous name." "And second of all, what kind of a meeting" "Doesn't have bagels or something?" "Wow, it would be hard to be married to you." "And for the record?" "Or mixed nuts..." "I am trying to move on with my life." "I don't hate will schuester." "But you do hate the Glee club." "That's true." "I do." "And I am looking for a new hobby." "Henceforth, you will be known" "By the following super villain nicknames." "Sandy ryerson, you are the pink dagger." "Yes!" "You are the honey badger," "Nature's most ferocious animal." "Look it up on youtube." "Dustin goolsby?" "Sergeant handsome." "My codename" "Will be general Zod." "Hold up." "I coach the winningest Glee club in history." "We're a lock to beat mckinley at nationals as it is." "Why would I want to get involved in this?" "Well, because, sergeant, you strike me as a bit of a tool" "Who enjoys playing mind games with your opponents." "That's true." "I really do like doing that." "Legion of evil?" "League of doom." "You can count me in." "Although I am enjoying my second career" "As a small-time medical marijuana dealer." "Okey-dokey." "It doesn't change the fact" "That william took my job." "Here are your beepers." "You will await further instructions." "And until then, we will be known only as..." "The legion of evil." "I don't think I was listening when you said what our name was." "Wait a second." "Is it "league" or "legion"?" "Worst henchmen ever." "I missed you so much last week." "So what do you want to do tomorrow night?" "Whoa, there, cowboy, we haven't even had our pizza yet." "I'm just trying to get you when I can." "(laughs)" "You know, this is actually" "The first relationship I've had where the girl" "Hasn't been all over me to spend more time with her." "Well, get used to it." "I'm a sub." "I'm a rolling stone." "I warned you that being in a relationship with me meant" "Being in a constant state of wanting." "I am both awesome and unavailable at the same time." "You're kind of awesome." "(laughs)" "What do you think about my taffy sale plan" "To send the brainiacs to detroit?" "Um, I think it's as terrible as the word" ""brainiacs," but..." "Oh, okay." "Here's your problem, all right?" "You're thinking too small, okay?" "That crazy ex-wife of yours messed with your brain" "And now you think you can't dream." "Okay." "Well, what's your idea?" "A night of neglect." "That actually sounds like life with my ex-wife." "Hilarious." "No, seriously, here's what you need to do." "Have a benefit." "You know how they do on tv when there's, like, an earthquake," "Or they want to raise money for, like, a sad disease." "That's actually a really good idea." "I know it is." "See, your kids are feeling really neglected, right?" "So you fill the auditorium with people who are there" "To hear them sing, and poof!" "Oh, I'm loving this." "And we can sell tickets." "And it is a perfect place to practice for nationals." "And you know the best part?" "We're only going to do songs by neglected artists." "Because it's "a night of neglect."" "Can you define what you mean by "neglected artist"?" "Um, someone whose brilliance isn't always appreciated." "Oh, so you mean like me." "I mean, like all of us." "All right, everyone, next Saturday night," "In our auditorium," "Mckinley high's first annual" ""night of neglect" fund-raiser benefit is officially a go!" "(applause)" "(bell ringing)" "Sergeant handsome, walk with me." "I'm surprised you even saw me." "I was blending in pretty well back there." "Here's your mission." "Word on the street is that schuester" "And that substitute holly holliday are official." "I need you to break them up." "She's looser than a thrift store turtleneck" "And probably just as diseased." "Just my type." "Psst!" "Ready for my close-up, general zog." "Sandy, how do you manage to enter a building" "Without setting off all the fire alarms?" "You know, I have to say, with all this sneaking around," "I have never felt more alive." "What's my assignment?" "Pink dagger, I just learned" "That the Glee club is performing a benefit concert." "It's just the opening we need." "There's a student club I want you to sponsor." "Heckling." "The world's second oldest profession." "Hell am I doing in here?" "Good." "Louder." "In olden times," "Hecklers provided a needed service" "To the medieval community." "Pink dagger, if I may." "Welcome to the very first meeting of the heckling club." "You set me up." "You told me" "I was supposed to come here to get homework help." "Congratulations." "You're all in." "I'm really confused." "(bell ringing) I'm totally doing lykke li." "She's bjork meets florence and the machine," "And a promising new talent." "What about you, mike?" "The mike chang dance dance revolution." "I'm tired of my dancing being overshadowed" "By all of you guys' singing." "It's going to be just me and my sweet moves" "On that stage." "You're forgetting about the most neglected artist" "This Glee club's ever seen" "Aretha franklin." "Neglected?" "She's, like, the queen of soul." "See, I auditioned for this club" "Singing "respect," and she's gotten none since." "So I'm doing aretha." "Awesome, mercedes." "Awesome, all of you guys." "Those songs are great appetizers to my main course." "Celine dion's "my heart will go on."" "It's gonna be our finale." "(imitates tires screeching)" "That's like the biggest song of all time." "No." "You don't understand." "Celine isn't the neglected artist, I am." "I was kind of hoping to do the closing number." "Hey, you guys remember sunshine corazon?" "You are a terrible spy." "Seriously, with your size," "You easily could have stayed in the air ducts for days." "I'm not a spy." "I heard about your benefit concert on facebook," "And I wanted to perform." "I know what it feels like to be in academic decathlon." "No one pays attention to you." "No one cares." "It's not right." "We study so hard." "Yeah, but you're in vocal adrenaline." "How do we know we can trust you?" "Because I have nothing against any of you." "I have 600 twitter followers." "I can get all of them to come." "How many tickets have we sold so far?" "Four." "No one's interested." "It's just sad." "Please, just let me show you what I can do." "I would like to sing the perfect song about neglect," ""all by myself."" "I'm such a better singer than everyone else," "So I know how it feels." "I'm all alone at the top." "Also, I'm really short." "So even when I'm in a group of people," "It feels like I'm wandering alone through a forest." "There's no way that she's singing in our auditorium, okay?" "She's the enemy." "I say we give her a chance." "I mean, you owe her, rachel." "You sent her to a frickin' crack house." "(slow ballad plays)" "♪ when I was young ♪" "♪ I never needed anyone ♪" "♪ and making love was just for fun ♪" "♪ those days are gone ♪" "♪ living alone ♪" "♪ I think of all the friends I've known ♪" "♪ when I dial the telephone ♪" "♪ nobody's home ♪" "♪ all by myself ♪" "♪ don't wanna be ♪" "♪ all by myself ♪" "♪ anymore ♪" "♪ all by myself ♪" "♪ don't wanna live ♪" "♪ all by myself ♪" "♪ anymore... ♪" "(applause, cheering, whooping)" "Go on, now!" "♪ don't wanna live by myself, by myself anymore ♪" "♪ by myself ♪" "♪ anymore ♪" "♪ whoa, oh-oh, oh-oh. ♪" "(applause and cheering) come on!" "So, can I perform with you guys?" "Absolutely not." "She's just trying" "To get on our good sides so she can spy on us." "You're one to talk." "We told you" "The same thing about jesse st." "James last year." "And you were right!" "Finn:" "This whole thing" "Isn't about us." "It's about helping the brainiacs." "Puck:" "Yeah, we need sunshine's" "Twitter followers to come and pay for tickets," "Or there's no point in having a benefit at all." "(sighs)" "Fine." "Mercedes, you're okay with being bumped" "To the decidedly less glamorous middle spot." "Right?" "Um..." "Sure, I guess." "Absolutely." "(school bell ringing)" "Hey, mercedes, can I have your shoes?" "I promise to give you a dirty pair of my flip-flops in return." "Do you know how hard it is" "To find high-top, yellow patent leather sneakers?" "Really?" "I'm surprised" "You didn't just give them to me, considering" "How little you think of yourself." "You're the most talented singer in Glee club," "Yet you're constantly taking the backseat to everyone." "Well, what am I supposed to do?" "I'm-I'm tired of fighting with rachel all the time." "Okay, you're always singing about r-e-s-p-e-c-t," "But respect isn't something you can ask for." "You have to demand it." "And you deserve it." "You don't seem to have trouble in that department." "Right." "You know what?" "Neither does aretha or j-lo or mariah." "You know why?" "Because they get proof every day." "I heard mariah makes appointments at 9:00 a.M.," "And shows up at 4:00 in the afternoon" "Because she knows people will wait." "But those kinds of demands are ridiculous." "Exactly." "But once you see that no matter" "How ridiculous your demands, people will meet them," "You know you have it." "Have what?" "Respect." "And as your manager," "I'd say you're thinking too small." "Wait a minute." "Since when are you my manager?" "Since you agreed to give me ten percent" "Of whatever we can come up with to ask for." "Sister, you got yourself a deal." "(whirring)" "Are you okay?" "Yup." "I will be as soon as this counter's really clean." "I hear that ocd symptoms tend to get worse" "When the person is under great stress." "(sniffles)" "Carl's gone." "He asked for an annulment," "Which I guess" "He's legally entitled to," "Considering we never actually consummated the marriage." "You guys never...?" "At what age are you allowed" "To look back on your life with nothing but regret?" "Is 32 too young?" "I actually believed" "That I'd have a handle on my ocd by now." "It's just been so long, and..." "I'm so tired." "This your lunch?" "Yeah." "What are you doing?" "One day, you're going to find a way to beat this thing." "Until then," "I'm here for you." "No judgment." "Just..." "A friend that you can count on." "Cheers." "(school bell ringing) Finn:" "So, uh, the braniacs" "Asked us to be benefit heads for the night of neglect." "Quinn:" "And we would like to select you" "Head of talent relations." "We figured you're probably used to relating" "To talent because you're so talented." "Well, first, I'm honored that you came to me," "But I think it's a little insensitive of you to be" "Flaunting your dating in my face." "Fantastic." "'cause we are having problems with one of our performers." "A) I need a bowl of green mms." "And by bowl, I mean large bowl." "Well, really a small barrel." "O..." "Kay." "Two) I need humidifiers." "Lots of humidifiers." "A team of humidifiers" "Whose only job is to make" "The air that mercedes breathes more humid." "We'll try our best." "Shh." "I'm not finished." "Before every performance, I like to wash my hands." "And after doing so, I like to dry them on a fresh puppy." "Excuse me?" "I believe you heard Ms. Jones." "In fact, if I were you, I'd probably get a whole litter" "Of fluffy puppies, just in case she decides" "To take a post-show shower." "Stars make demands the way that babies" "Make messes in their diapers." "They can't help it." "What a star wants is" "To just feel appreciated and respected." "They just want to feel like they're being heard." "She seemed pretty serious about the puppy." "Well, obviously, hers is a talent that we have neglected." "I can relate." "So leave it to me." "I'll take care of it." "(british accent):" "Hello, class." "I am the world's most famous and stylish divorcee" "Wallace simpson." "I was married a bunch of times, and then I fell in love" "With edward viii and made him abdicate the throne." "I had giant hands, so a lot of people thought" "I was a hermaphrodite, but that wasn't true." "Others said" "I was a nazi sympathizer." "That was true." "Boy, did I think that hitler showed promise!" "(bell rings) (normal voice):" "Tomorrow we're gonna do" "Catherine the great and her pet stallion fred, so come early." "We haven't been introduced." "I'm dusting goolsby, coach of vocal adrenaline." "Oh." "So you're the big competition at nationals." "Well, thank you very much for volunteering your star" "For our night of neglect benefit." "What are you talking about?" "I never approved that." "Let me cut to the sexy chase." "Think about how many more years" "You have left of productive ovulating." "Those aren't eggs in those fallopian tubes." "They're rare, exotic pearls." "Oh." "So you're trying to seduce me." "Jackpot." "This hairline is 85% my own," "And my sperm count is off the charts." "Well... (laughs) ...As tempting as that sounds, I have a boyfriend." "Yeah, you do now." "Admit it." "I'm handsome," "I'm good-looking, and I'm easy on the eyes." "Also, I'm gorgeous." "And I'm dating will schuester." "Let me tell you something about will schuester." "That guy has tiny baby hands." "Seriously." "It's weird." "Once I saw him try to pick up a big mac, and he couldn't do it." "He had to eat it layer by layer." "Teeny, tiny, wee" "Baby hands." "That are big enough to knock your teeth out." "Well, this is awkward." "Consider my offer." "What offer?" "He was just hitting on me." "Isn't that silly?" "What's wrong?" "Well, we were supposed to have lunch, and you don't show." "And now you're getting hit on by the coach of our archrival." "How is that my fault?" "And by the way, I did show up for lunch," "And you looked like you were actually having" "A pretty good time." "I kind of felt like I was intruding, so..." "Oh, man." "I am..." "I am not the jealous type, will." "Neither am I." "Look, how about instead of a pointless argument," "We rehearse our duet for the benefit?" "I really don't, uh, feel in the mood to do a duet right now." "I think I just have to clear my head." "Uh, no problem." "I'll see you at the benefit." "(school bell ringing)" "Well, as you can see, we have followed" "Your exact specifications." "Wait, where's my puppy?" "She specifically asked for a puppy." "Mercedes:" "This is unbelievable." "How am I supposed to work like this?" "Don't worry." "Puckerman is" "Out right now scouring pounds for the perfect pomeranian." "Good." "This is almost worthy of the artist" "Doing the closing number at the benefit." "Well, actually, um, sunshine" "Is going to be doing the last number, because" "She's bringing in hundreds of people." "And so, I'll go on" "Before sunshine because, I'm, well, me," "And, uh, Ms. Holliday and mercedes will go on before me." "Fine." "But Ms. Jones isn't happy about it." "In exchange, she's demanding" "That during the day of the benefit, her feet" "Never touch the ground." "Excuse me?" "Oh, did you not see celine's wedding?" "Carried in." "Cher's comeback tour?" "Carried in." "Gaga at the grammys?" "Carried the hell in." "Um, I'm sorry." "Are-are" "You saying that you want to be carried in in a giant egg?" "We'll get back to you." "And that was the spanish classroom." "And of course, you know the choir room." "Brittany:" "Hey, you guys, you better" "Get in the auditorium." "The show's about to start." "It's going to be a full house, ya'll." "Got to get there early to get a good seat." "We'll be there in a minute." "I'm just showing blaine around." "Thanks for coming and supporting us, guys." "It's really cool." "Bye." "Oh, you miss them." "What the hell are you two doing here?" "We're here for the benefit." "Don't tell me you're going." "I wouldn't be caught dead." "I was pumping iron in the gym," "And one of the guys told me you two were here" "Spreading your fairy dust all over the place." "Would you just give it up?" "You can live whatever lie you want, but don't pretend" "The three of us don't know what's really going on here." "You don't know squat, butt boy." "Hey, no, guys, stop!" "Real brave with your fists," "But you're a coward when it comes to the truth." "Truth about what?" "It's none of your business, j.Lo." "First of all, anything you do became my business" "When you decided to toss that slushee up in my grill." "I think I can take a couple of queers and a girl." "(chuckles) okay." "See, here's what's gonna go down." "Two choices." "You stay here, and I crack one of your nuts" "Right or left, that's your choice-- or you walk away," "And live to be a douchebag another day." "Oh, and also, I have razorblades hidden in my hair." "Mm-hmm." "Tons." "Just all up in there." "Mm-hmm." "We could have handled that." "It was more fun doing it together." "(phone vibrates)" "Oh, crap." "Glee club:" "♪ la, la, la, la, la ♪" "♪ la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la ♪" "Hold up, hold up." "This just in." "According to sunshine's twitter," "She's not coming, and neither are any of her followers." "I told you." "She's evil." "I was just in the auditorium." "There's, like, six people in there." "I say we blow this whole thing off and hit the arcade." "No." "No." "Screw that." "These people paid to see us sing." "What's that saying?" "The show's got to go all over the place or something." "You mean, "the show must go on." yeah." "Finn's right, you guys." "Okay, whether there's six or 6,000 people," "Out there, we still have to give it our all." "Okay, tina, you're up first." "(lykke li's "I follow rivers" plays)" "♪ oh, I beg you ♪" "♪ can I follow?" "♪" "You suck!" "Where's rachel berry?" "♪ be my only ♪" "Show tunes!" "Show tunes!" "Show tunes!" "♪ be the water where I'm wading ♪" "You make me barf!" "♪ running high ♪" "♪ run deep, run wild ♪" "♪ oh, I'll follow, I'll follow you ♪" "♪ deep sea, baby ♪" "Boo!" "Azimio:" "Damn, is this even music?" "♪ oh, oh, oh ♪" "Boo!" "Kiss my ass!" "♪ oh, oh ♪ I can't take this!" "I can't stand this!" "♪ oh, oh, oh, oh ♪" "♪ oh, oh, oh, oh. ♪ (heckling continues)" "(slow, distorted):" "Boo!" "Boo!" "(blowing raspberry)" "(sobbing)" "It's the worst I've ever felt in my entire life." "I didn't think it was possible" "For people to hate us even more." "We're calling this off." "Guys, I hate to say it, but I think we have to buck up." "Tina, I'm sorry you had to go through that," "But it's actually a really good lesson for us." "I mean, that's a part of show business, guys." "Sometimes people can be really mean." "Think about what's going to happen" "If we have an unfriendly crowd at nationals in new york." "And I'm sure there's going" "To be some vocal adrenaline hecklers there, too." "We need to find some strength and barrel through this." "I think I may know a way to shut those hecklers up" "For a number or two." "Take as much as you want." "Thanks, babe." "I'll take two." "And remember," "Vote quinn fabray for prom queen." "Sam:" "And now, please enjoy the dance stylings" "Of mr." "Mike chang as he busts some moves" "To jack johnson's "bubble toes."" "♪ it's as simples as something that nobody knows ♪" "♪ that her eyes are as big as her bubbly toes ♪" "♪ on the feet of a queen ♪" "♪ of the hearts of the cards ♪" "♪ and her feet are all covered with tar balls ♪" "(groans) ♪ and so ♪" "♪ well, I was eating lunch at the dig ♪" "♪ when this little girl came and she sat next to me ♪" "♪ never seen nobody move the way she did ♪" "♪ well, she did, and she does, and she'll do it again ♪" "♪ when you move like a jellyfish, rhythm is nothing ♪" "♪ you go with the flow, you don't stop ♪" "♪ hmm ♪" "♪ it's as common as something that nobody knows ♪" "♪ that her beauty will follow wherever she goes ♪" "♪ up the hill in the back of her house ♪" "♪ in the wood, she'll love me forever, I know ♪" "♪ she la, da, da, da, da, da ♪" "♪ la, da, da, da, da, da, da, la... ♪" "♪ if you would only listen ♪" "♪ you might just realize what you're missing ♪" "♪ you're missing me ♪" "♪ it's as simple as something that nobody knows ♪" "♪ that her eyes are as big as her bubbly toes ♪" "♪ on the feet of a queen of the hearts of the cards ♪" "♪ he feet are infested with tar balls ♪" "♪ and la, da, da, da, da, da ♪" "♪ la, da, da, da, da, da, da ♪" "♪ la, da, da, da, da, da ♪" "♪ la, da, da, da, da, da, da, da... ♪" "(cheering)" "Bravo!" "Whoo!" "Yeah!" "(gagging)" "That was all kinds of awesome." "Yeah!" "(all cheering)" "Terrific job, mike." "Whoo!" "Hey, sounds like the heckling club loved our refreshments." "Yeah, but we're almost out of that taffy." "How are we going to keep them" "From going after us again after the intermission?" "By being so good that they can't heckle us." "And I know just the person for the job." "W-where's mercedes?" "She's up." "(door closes)" "I'm sorry." "Ms. Jones has not appreciated" "The way she's been treated" "And is refusing to go on." "(sighs) let me talk to her." "Don't bother." "Mercedes has left the building." "Okay, you guys, go find mercedes." "I'm gonna go deal with the haters." "Are we in trouble?" "Oh, no." "Not at all." "I was just taking the opportunity of intermission" "To tell you guys what great hecklers you are." "You must practice a lot." "No, not that much." "Just on the internet only." "You know, my posts on NCIS and CSI:" "Miami chat rooms" "Are legendary." "You're kidding." "I've never seen you on there." "You wouldn't." "Because I post as "ncisucks" or "ncistupid."" "I'm "the beckster" on the entertainment weekly chatrooms." "And my "curlyhairincairo" twitter account" "Helped bring down mubarak." "Technology has allowed us to be brutally cruel" "Without suffering any consequences." "In the past, if I wanted to tell someone they sucked," "I'd have to say it to their face," "Which would usually result" "In them kicking me in the groin." "I get it." "We live in a culture of insults." "I mean, we're constantly bombarded with these" "Images of people who are richer than us, and happier than us," "And have more interesting sex than us, and it makes us feel terrible." "Preach." "You know, we tear them down to feel better about ourselves." "And we don't just stop with the people who are on tv" "Or in magazines, we do it to everybody." "And we think that because it's done anonymously," "There are no ramifications." "But there are ramifications, guys." "Because it makes you comfortable with insensitivity." "Do you know that one of the girls you heckled tonight" "Has been crying for an hour?" "Are you saying you never ragged on anybody?" "Oh, of course I did." "I spent three years" "Sending hate mail to debbie gibson" "Until she wrote me back and said" "That the stress of my letters was giving her alopecia." "And then I felt terrible" "Because I realized it was just my jealousy" "That she could fill a mall with her adoring fans." "You guys are great kids." "Some of those insults were rad." "But just think about how you could lift up the world" "If you turned some of those barbs into roses." "I mean, intermission's almost over." "Why don't you get back" "In there and turn some of that jeering into cheering?" "Na, no." "I think I'm just going to go home," "Probably do a new post about how handsome mark harmon is." "Me, too." "I'm out." "I'm splitting, too." "They say, "if you have nothing nice to say..."" "I'll be 18 in three years." "Wait for me?" "Let me in." "Let me in." "Come on." "It's raining." "We've all been looking for you." "Don't bother with the pep talk." "I'm not going back in there." "My demands were not met." "Have you ever read anything about aretha franklin?" "She was a gospel singer." "And one day, she went to this-this show." "Nothing fancy." "It was just, like, a state fair." "And the master of ceremonies" "Hands her a tiara and calls her the queen of soul." "And that's how she earned her crown." "That's how she gained all of her respect." "Not by-by requesting for special pillows," "Or-or food, but..." "For doing what she does best:" "Singing." "I just don't get it." "Why are you a bigger star than me?" "You always get the big solos," "The best songs, the moments in the sun." "Why is it never me?" "I don't know." "I mean, you're just as good of a singer as I am." "Yeah." "And everyone actually likes me." "That's your problem." "Because I would rather be a star than be liked." "And-and..." "I'm not saying that it's healthy," "And I'm not saying that it's better than being loved," "But there's nothing" "Nothing-- that I wouldn't do" "For the chance to be in the spotlight." "I just..." "Really wanted that closing slot." "Well, if you want that closing slot," "Then go in there and take it from me." "Where is everybody?" "Let's get on with it." "You're a really horrible person, you know that?" "You sound like my court-appointed therapist." "Pink dagger, I'm going to need to speak with you right now." "Yes, general." "You know, I had a feeling you might be behind this." "You have no proof." "(sighs)" "Sam:" "And now, ladies and gentlemen," "Miss holly holliday." "(adele's "turning tables" begins)" "♪ close enough to start a war ♪" "♪ all that I have is on the floor ♪" "♪ god only knows what we're fighting for ♪" "♪ all that I say ♪" "♪ you always say more ♪" "♪ I can't keep up with your turning tables ♪" "♪ under your thumb ♪" "♪ I can't breathe ♪" "♪ so I won't let you close enough to hurt me ♪" "♪ no, I won't ask you ♪" "♪ you to just desert me ♪" "♪ I can't give you ♪" "♪ what you think you gave me ♪" "♪ it's time to say good-bye ♪" "♪ to turning tables ♪" "♪ to turning tables ♪" "♪ next time, I'll be braver ♪" "♪ I'll be my own savior ♪" "♪ when the thunder calls for me ♪" "♪ next time I'll be braver ♪" "♪ I'll be my own savior ♪" "♪ standing on my own two feet ♪" "♪ I won't let you ♪" "♪ close enough to hurt me ♪" "♪ no, I won't ask you ♪" "♪ you to just desert me ♪" "♪ I can't give you ♪" "♪ what you think you gave me ♪" "♪ it's time to say good-bye ♪" "♪ to turning tables ♪" "♪ to turning tables ♪" "♪ turning tables ♪" "♪ yeah, yeah ♪" "♪ turning ♪" "♪ yeah... ♪" "I'm a fantastic super villain." "Sandy, I just saw Jacob ben israel, azimio" "And becky jackson leave the benefit they were supposed to be" "Ruining together in a car with the license plate "jewfro."" "I lost track of 'em." "I went into the bathroom, when I came out, they were gone." "I was applying a light coat of powder" "And practicing catch phrases" "To use when I really take someone down a peg." "Like?" "You just got poked." "Poked by the dagger!" "Your job was to crush their spirit," "And had you done that, they would have" "Closed up shop by intermission." "Now get back in there and question" "The whole purpose of arts education." "I'm getting back in there." "That Glee club's not gonna know what hit 'em!" "I tried, but I don't think she's coming." "I need to start warming up." "Lauren, you're her manager." "Why don't you do something?" "See, my client, Ms. Jones, is not picking up her phone." "Oh." "So... (clears throat)" "Miss jones is fine." "Wait." "Shouldn't one of us be carrying you in?" "(scoffs)" "I have only one more demand." "I demand" "That all of you get your butts out there and watch me sing." "(cheering, overlapping chatter)" "Hallelujah!" "You heard the woman." "Let's go." "(overlapping chatter)" "And now, ladies and gentlemen, Ms. Mercedes jones." "(aretha franklin's "ain't no way" begins)" "Oh, dear god, I love this song." "♪ ain't no way ♪" "♪ for me to love you ♪" "♪ if you won't let me ♪" "♪ oh, no ♪" "♪ I know that a woman's duty ♪" "♪ is to help and love a man ♪" "♪ and that's the way it was planned ♪" "♪ oh, oh-oh, oh-oh ♪" "♪ it ain't no way ♪" "♪ ain't no way ♪" "♪ it ain't no way ♪" "♪ ain't no way ♪" "♪ it just ain't no way, baby ♪" "♪ ain't no way ♪" "♪ ain't no way, baby ♪" "♪ ain't no way ♪" "♪ it ain't no way ♪" "♪ for me to love you ♪" "♪ ooh... ♪" "♪ if you won't let me ♪" "♪ stop trying to be someone you're not ♪" "♪ and if you need me ♪" "♪ oh, oh, oh ♪ ♪ to love you ♪" "♪ say ♪ ♪ say ♪" "♪ say, say ♪ ♪ say ♪" "♪ you do ♪ ♪ you do ♪" "♪ oh, then baby, baby, baby ♪" "♪ don't you know that I need you?" "♪" "♪ ain't no way ♪" "♪ ain't no way ♪" "♪ I tell you that it ain't no way, it ain't no way ♪" "♪ it ain't no way, baby ♪" "♪ no ♪" "♪ ain't no way ♪" "♪ it just ain't no way ♪" "♪ ain't no way ♪" "♪ it sure ain't no way ♪" "♪ ain't no way ♪" "♪ it ain't no way ♪" "♪ for me to love you ♪" "♪ if you won't ♪" "♪ let me. ♪" "(song ends)" "(applause and cheering)" "(applause, cheering and shouting)" "Oh." "All right, girl, time for the closing number." "Go bring the house down." "Are you kidding me?" "Nobody could follow that." "Okay, the house has been brought down." "That was the closing number." "(speaking french)" "Bye." "Hey, hot stuff." "Hey." "How are the kids doing?" "They were amazeballs tonight, right?" "Yeah, they're good." "Everyone's in the choir room, and they all want to thank you" "For helping out with the benefit and the hecklers and..." "Why were you in the janitor's closet with the door closed?" "Okay, 'cause I'm a sub," "And that's the office that figgins gives me." "Guess what?" "I just got offered a job to teach french in cleveland." "Isn't that great?" "Full time?" "No." "Who are you talking to?" "Four months, tops." "Don't you have any feelings about leaving?" "Didn't you listen to my song?" "I told you, will." "I live the glamorous life" "Of a substitute teacher," "And I'm deathly allergic to commitment." "You knew that this was going to end this way." "Yeah." "Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt." "You're too nice for me." "But you broke my record." "Five dates." "Are you counting that one" "We had in the janitor's closet yesterday?" "That was my favorite one." "Mine, too." "You think you're ever gonna settle down?" "Maybe." "But not with you." "You're in love with somebody else," "And thanks to my counseling, she's available now." "And by the way, she's totally into you, too." "Holly?" "Will you come back and visit?" "(sighs)" "(voice breaking):" "I thought you'd never ask." "(sighs)" "(sighs)" "Sandy, what are you doing in here?" "I tried to be a hater, but I just couldn't do it." "That song and the weed I smoked immediately prior" "It gave me" "A change of heart." "Mr. Ryerson offered to pay for our trip." "(whooping) bring it!" "It's drug money, but you know," "It's actually a fantastic way to launder it." "Good-bye, william." "I miss the arts, I really do." "You just got poked." "Poked by the dagger!" "(applause and cheering)" "All (chanting):" "Detroit!" "Detroit!" "Detroit!" "Detroit!" "Detroit!" "Detroit!" "This is a disaster." "Pink dagger, not only did you fail" "To disrupt the night of neglect." "You funded it in full." "In fact, you were its only donor." "Aretha is my kryptonite." "Sergeant handsome," "What do you have to say for yourself?" "Hey, I did get them to break up." "Who knew it was gonna be" "Amicable, and sort of have nothing to do with me?" "I pulled" "Sunshine out of the benefit." "Don't I get credit for that?" "No." "In my hour of need, honey badger, I turn to you." "Your time has come." "(applause)" "Well, at the end of regulation, we're all tied up." "Excuse me, mr." "Remington?" "We would just like to say hi to our friends in Glee club." "We love you guys." "Love you." "And now..." "Love you." "...The tie-breaker question." "The category: "hermaphrodite nazi sympathizers.""