"(chatter)" "(rings)" "(applause)" "Man:" "Award of Lloyd's Medal to Captain William Horatio Ambrose, master of the ship Arabella." "His vessel having suffered serious damage at night in the English Channel," "Captain Ambrose, by his coolness, courage, and fine seamanship, was able to save the lives of all passengers and crew under his command, after which, refusing offers of assistance, he succeeded single-handed in bringing the wreck of his vessel safely to land." "(applause, cheering)" "Just one more, Captain." "Captain, I'm from "The Daily Mirror."" "And I'm from "The Daily Telegraph."" "I'm sorry, gentlemen." "I've already promised my story to the "Sandcastle Mercury."" "(honking horn, brakes screeching)" "Watch where you're going, Nelson." "Lost the other eye?" "Captain Ambrose?" "I'm Peters, "Sandcastle Mercury."" "So, you've managed to shake off the opposition." "First time an Ambrose ever had to dodge a press gang." "Yes." "Well, what are you having, Captain?" " Uh..." " Oh, but of course." "Harry, a large rum, please." "That's a trim piece." "Go well in my cabin." "Sorry, sir." "Not for sale." "It's yours." "A small token of my admiration." "Oh, no, no." "I'd much prefer to..." "Oh, you can clap me in irons, Captain, but I won't take no for an answer." "I'm an old sailor myself and I can appreciate what you did." "I shall treasure it." "Thank you." "Shall we sit down, Captain?" " Ambrose:" "You'll join me." " Peters:" "Oh, thank you." "By the way, your check from the paper." "Thank you." "I suggest we begin this story with something about your great family tradition." "The Ambroses have always gone to sea, haven't they?" "Always." "As far back as we can trace." "And, in fact, even farther." "Ambrose:" "From the dawn of time, we have always moved in nautical circles." "Armada." "Ambrose:" "All throughout history, on every great naval occasion, we have made our presence felt." "Armada!" "Ambrose:" "Another ancestor of mine sailed with Captain Cook." "He was the first white man to set foot on the Fiji Islands." "(chanting)" "Ambrose:" "He was much liked by the natives." "(cannons firing)" "Ambrose:" "Then there was my great-grandfather." "He was one of Nelson's officers and spent years an der See." "(fires)" "Hi!" "Main gaff goes up!" "(cannon fires)" "Ambrose:" "My grandfather was captain of a windjammer." "During the great hurricane of the Virgin Isles, he took the wheel himself." "My father was gunnery officer aboard HMS Incompatible in 1916." "Down one." "Ambrose:" "He fell at Jutland." " Fire!" " (fires)" "(clatters)" "Hence our family motto," "Omnes per Mare." "I'm afraid my Latin..." " "All at sea."" " Ah." "And, of course, you had a distinguished naval career yourself, Captain." ""Distinguished"?" "I think "distinctive" is the better word." "I can truthfully say I stood out from every other sailor of my time, right from the days when I was a cadet at Dartmouth." "There goes Midshipman Queasy." "Can't even wait 'til we get out of harbor." "Worst case I've ever known." "I'm afraid there's no future for the boy in the Navy." "With his family record?" "We'll have to find him something." "Ambrose:" "I was posted to HMS Standfast, the training ship in the Midlands." "But a sailor like me wasn't cut out to be an instructor." "Then came the war, and I had the honor of being selected by the Admiralty to undertake certain secret trials." "During those six years, I had experience of almost every type of ship in His Majesty's Navy." "Corvettes, destroyers, minesweepers, aircraft carriers, they were all alike to me." "Turning green, I'm afraid." "We'll double the dose." "Sorry, Captain, gone five bells." "Gotta set you adrift." "That nonsense." "It beats me how you fellows stand for it." "Well, there's not many of us made like you, sir." "More's the pity." "And thanks again." "My privilege, Captain." "Cheerio." "(horns honking)" "Where now?" "Well, I'm afraid we haven't got a London office." "What about a cup of tea?" "Tea?" "Follow me." "Kindly get me a couple of glasses." "Come along, man." "Come along." "Look lively." "I, uh... we don't have glasses here." "Nonsense." "What do you do when somebody faints?" "There, you see?" "That'll do for the other." "Thank you." "Where was I?" "Hmm?" "Oh, your war record." "Oh, yes." "I was still doing trials for the Admiralty when the war ended." "I was kept on the strengths for further experiments until last year." "Then I got my bowler hat." "I must inform you, sir, that these tables are only for the use of the clients of the bank." "That's all right." "I have an account here." "For the proper conduct of their business." "Oh, very well, very well." "As I was saying," "I found myself on the beach with my bowler hat." "Then one day, I saw that advertisement in your paper." "For five thousand pounds, the answer to all my dreams." "One look at her photograph, and I was on the telephone clinching the deal." "There you are." "For the price of my modest savings, at last, a command of my own." "The Arabella." " The Arabella?" " (whispering)" "The Arabella." "Ambrose:" "Of course, I had little idea then of the rough waters that lay ahead." "I hadn't the experience I have today of the battle of life ashore." "Just a simple sailor, in fact." "Excuse me." "Mummy, there's a man here with all his clothes on." "There's a man hanging round these huts." "A man?" "Run along, child." "This is not a right-of-way, you know." "I'm sorry, I didn't know." "It's purely for the use of people hiring my bathing house." "May I ask if you wish to hire one?" "Oh, no, no, no." "That's not why I'm here at all." "I thought not." "It's perfectly obvious why you are here." "You will kindly leave at once." "Very well, madam." " Four, sir?" " Four, please." "One shilling." "Let the two little ones go in together." "That's right, squeeze 'em up, give 'em a bit of fun." "One, two... three, four." "Thank you, sir." "What do you fancy for the big race, Tommy?" "Well, let's have a look, shall we?" " One, please." " Thank you, sir." "Excuse me." "Are you one of the officers here?" "If so, I'd like you to break off action." "Are you, uh..." "The new captain." "The new owner." "Oh, I didn't expect you so soon." "My name is Figg." "I'm in charge here." "I don't wish to find fault as soon as I arrive, Mr. Figg, but wouldn't a salute be appropriate?" "Salute?" "You'd better send us a wire next time." "We'll have you piped aboard." "Where are the master's quarters?" "You could ask the quartermaster." "(laughs)" "Perhaps you would be good enough to tell me." "Well, that's the office along there." "The old shed this side the Crazy Cottage." "I'd like to meet the crew." "Will you be good enough to muster them on the quarterdeck in 10 minutes' time?" "It's almost 4:00." "They'll be wantin' their tea." "I shan't keep them long." "Oh, and I'd like you to include the man on the gate, if you can arrange a relief for him." " Is that all?" " For the present." "Carry on, Number One." "And so with the assistance of my good friend Goldilocks here," "I shall now demonstrate that the secret of the Great Houdini lives on." "That's a lovely head of skin you've got there, sir." " Oh." " Of course, he's a very good-looking fella, this, you know." "The poor girl's Yul Brynner." "There's no call for personal remarks." "I'm very sorry, sir." "Of course, he ain't really bald, we know that." "He's just got a tall face." "(clown laughs)" "A tall face." "And you won't get out of that in a hurry." "Get out of what?" "(piano sting playing)" "This?" "Now, come back, sir." "Don't get naughty." "Keep your hair on." " (laughs) - (audience groans, whispers)" "Sir, on behalf of the pier company," "I would like to apologize..." "Hello, hello, hello." "What's this, another volunteer?" "Gangway for a naval officer there." "Step right up here, Admiral." "Man:" "Go on, Jack." "Have a go." "Come on, be a sport." "That's it." "Give him a big hand, ladies and gentlemen." "Howdy, Admiral." "And how did you leave the wives?" "Still in ignorance, I hope?" "Aha, now, then." "I want you to take this cord and tie up me ankles and hands, got it?" "Now, tight as you like." "Don't mind me." "Oh, he knows what he's up to, this one." "Proper ropey type, eh?" "That's it." "Now me hands." "Ooh, look at them medal ribbons." "'Course, he should've had the Croix de Guerre, too, you know." "But with a face like his, they couldn't find a French admiral to kiss him." "(inhales sharply)" "Right, now this time I'm gonna make it hard for meself, as the bloke said when he fell into the cement mixer." "(laughs) That's it." "I want you to pop me into this sack and tie up me top knot." "Right." "Night-night, all." "Oh, innit dark in here?" "Anybody got a candle?" "(scattered laughter)" "Now, you done, Admiral?" " All fast." " Eh?" " Finished." " Oh, ta, muchly." "Well, give my love to the wives and all the little barnacles." "Music, maestro, please." "(piano music playing)" "The men are waiting outside, sir." "Very good." "(men laugh)" "That's my candy floss." "Is that how they do it in the Navy, sir?" "I take it you were never in the service, Mr. Figg." "I never wanted to be." "I've spent all my life in a dredger, and if you're going to run this pier like a battleship," "I should be sorry I ever left it." "Well, I am going to run her like a battleship." "All the best piers in this country are run naval-style, and under my command," "Sandcastle Pier is going to be no exception." "I shan't be satisfied until everything is..." "Until everything is pier-shape and Blackpool fashion." "Now, was any man here in the Royal Navy?" " (laughing)" " Tommy was." " Who?" " Thomas, sir." " Where is he?" " There he is, sir." " (laughter continues)" " Man:" "Oi, Tommy!" "(laughing)" " Oh, so you're Thomas." " Sir?" " The gate man." " No, sir." "Chief deck chair hand." "We take turns on the gate, sir." "You won't be taking any more turns on the gate, Thomas." "Now, I can see we have a long, hard voyage ahead of us before we can take a real pride in our pier." "And I don't want to hear any grumbling once we're underway." "Not from me, you won't." "I'm off back to my dredger." "Have a nice trip." "Bring us back a parrot!" "Anyone else want to sign off?" "Good." "Now, I want this to be a happy pier because a happy pier is an efficient pier, and vice versa." "You won't find me..." "Here, Popeye, where's the ladies?" "(laughter continues)" "(grunting)" "And you'll retain your present ranks and rates of pay." "That is, with one exception." "Thomas, you're what is known as a fiddler." "Yes, sir." "Well, at least you're honest." "And as you're the only man here who's served in Her Majesty's Navy," "I'm giving you another chance." "I'm appointing you Chief Officer." "Well?" "Uh, thank you, sir." "Carry on." "Captain's rounds, Number One." "Captain's rounds, sir." "(laughter continues)" "You've made a nice start, sir." "Long time since our customers had any fun." "Amusement arcade, sir." "Not much fun to be had in here." "Ah." "She used to run up and down the pier." "She shall again." "Where's the chief engineer?" "You've just got rid of him." "Mr. Figg?" "But he was mate." "He was most things, sir, that'd give him the chance for a fiddle." "I wasn't the only one." "Well, where's the second engineer?" "He's due for promotion." "The second engineer's a kid of 15 with the measles." "Well, somebody's got to mend these machines." "There's nothing wrong with them, sir." "It was the police had 'em close down." "The police?" "There's an old lady on the council," "Mrs. Barrington, she started creating, said the kids were gambling on them." "Gambling?" ""Coin returned for win."" "It surely can't be a gamble if you just get your money back." "Ah, but when you win, the ball stays in play." "You get another win, and out comes the last fella's penny." "Now, according to the council, that's gambling." "Young Reggie Skinner, the second engineer, he's a marvel." "I've seen him with as much as ninepence on the trot." "Smart boy." "I think we'll have these machines put back in action, Number One." "That might be a bit dodgy, sir." "The council we've got here, a proper bunch, they are." "This is my pier, Number One, and no little tin-pot dictator on the council is going to tell me how to run her." "Captain Ambrose?" "I'm Crowley, chief tin-pot dictator." "Oh, Mr. Crowley, how do you do?" "What was that?" "I'm sorry, I couldn't resist it." "You see, I happen to be mayor of Sandcastle." "It's all right, Captain." "Don't apologize." "We all feel that way about people who tell us where to get off." "I heard you'd arrived, thought I'd come along to wish you well." "Everything in order, I hope?" "Quite satisfied?" "No complaints?" "Well, to be quite frank, she is a bit more run-down than I'd expected." "Very true." "I couldn't agree more." "The fact is, since they put me in office," "I just haven't had the time to attend to all my private interests." "It was a question of neglecting them or the community." "And that's why I decided to sell the pier at what is really, I venture to think, quite a bargain price." "But, of course, my dear fellow, if you're not satisfied..." "Oh, no, no, no." "I'm sure she'll suit me very well." "Well, anything I can do to help at any time..." "Well, there is the question of the machines." "Oh, the gambling machines." "I know how you feel." "I did resist the order, but I'm afraid there's a strong feeling in the council chamber about, well, turning Sandcastle into another Monte Carlo." "And, of course, in my position, one can't press one's own interests too hard." "Well, as I'm not a member of the council, perhaps I'm in a better position to put up a fight." "Oh, take warning, Captain." "You're heading for trouble there." "Well, I must get along." "I've got a meeting at the planning committee." "Any queries, just give me a tinkle." " Thank you, I will." " (chuckles)" "Your luggage has arrived, sir." "Where would you like it taken?" "Kings Arms or the Georgian Dragon?" "Neither." "Let it stay aboard." "You're not going to live on the pier, sir?" "Do I look the type who'd sleep ashore?" "But... but where, sir?" "There's not enough room in that office to swing a cat-o'-nine-tails." "We'll have to use some initiative, won't we, Number One?" "Well, there's the aquarium, sir." "We could put you in there." "Aquarium?" "No, no." "That'd be like waking up in a submarine." "Below there." "Come and bear a hand with my dunnage." "(clangs)" " Morning, sir." " Morning, Number One." "Struck some foul weather." "It's always like this in Sandcastle on Sunday." "From what I've seen of the place, it's always like Sunday in Sandcastle." "Yes, sir." "Except it's no day of rest for the coppers." "They've been here this morning and took the slot machines away." "Why wasn't I called?" "Who let 'em aboard?" "It seems they got the keys off Mr. Figg." "I met 'em wheeling the machines out on that little old cot they keep for the drunks." "Not that we get many drunks in Sandcastle." "I'll beat seven bells out of them for this." "Hello, hello." "Are you all right, sir?" "I haven't quite found my sea legs yet." "That boy you mentioned, the second engineer." "Is he out of quarantine?" "Who, Reggie Skinner?" "He'll be back tomorrow." "I need him today." "Rouse him out and meet me at the police station at 0100." "Small profit, perhaps, but you must admit that money can be won on these machines." "There wouldn't be much point in them otherwise." "Then what are you arguing about?" "That makes them illegal." "No, no, no, no." "Pardon me." "Well done, Number One." "So this is our chief engineer." " Chief engineer?" " If you pass your test." " Now, look, uh..." " Skinner, sir." "Skinner." "I'm going to put a penny in this machine and you are to win it back." "What's the idea of all this?" "You'll see, I hope." "Go on, Skinner, win." "Ambrose:" "Good boy." "Do it again." "You're just proving my point." "It's a gambling device." "Is it?" "You try." "Come along, now." "Fair's fair." "You see?" "No skill." "Carry on, Chief." "Do yourself some good." "Now, let us review this whole matter again." "No offense is committed under the Gaming Act if skill predominates over luck." " Isn't that right?" " Yes." "Well, you've just seen for yourself." "This is a game of skill." "Hmm." "Let's have another go, son." "No, wait." "Just your thumb." "That's too far down." "Hold it lighter." "That's right." "Now, steady, right, go." "I've won." "Woman:" "Superintendent Browning." "Browning:" "Oh, good morning, ma'am." "I see you're dealing with the matter of these machines." "I came here this morning because it had been reported to me that the new owner of the pier..." "You!" "Captain Ambrose, ma'am, has been questioning our legal right to effect a seizure of these machines." "Really?" "I hope you've made the position clear to him." "Well, madam, I have to admit there are possibly grounds for a test case." " What?" " Thank you." "That's all I wanted to know." "A gambler and a Peeping Tom." "(church bells ringing)" "I dig that crazy jukebox." "Don't be so square, man." "That ain't a juke." "That's a fruit machine." " Doing." " (all laugh)" "Keep your hands off, please." "Look, don't lean on me, Jack." "I'm telling ya." "Don't lean on me." "Here, put it down, Dad." "Let's have a ball." "Leave it alone." "Go and play somewhere else." "You ain't plugged in, man." "This is Sandcastle." "It's a real square town, Dad." "Square?" "What on earth are you talking about?" "No playing games on Sundays here." "That's what he means." "No Sunday movies, no dancing." "Strictly no jiving." "Nothing but a nothing." "This is Sandcastle." "Dig it now, "Hornblower"?" "(all laugh)" "* Blow that horn, daddy-o." "Why don't you go and enjoy yourselves on the pier?" "(all laugh)" "The pier?" "You seen the pier?" " I own the pier." " You what?" "And there's a concert on this afternoon." "A concert?" "* Come into the garden, Maud!" "*" "Oh, you send me." "You send me!" "He's way out in cloud seven." " Choke your lump." " Kid:" "What's that you say?" "Pipe down and belay all this doing and effort." "You think I was brought up in the last bucket?" "If this is the best you can do with your make and mend, you deserve to be keelhauled." "The concert's in the first dock." "And dig yourselves out of that." "(knocks) Mr. White?" "Mr. White?" " Mr. White!" " That you, sir?" "Where... where on earth are the Brinies?" "I've been looking for you." "They've gone." " What?" " Packed up and walked out." "It seems old Artie couldn't take you making a monkey out of him." "Are there many people in the auditorium?" "Not a soul just now, sir." "Well, thank goodness for that." "(scattered clapping)" "Go, man, go." "What's the holdup, Mac?" "I'm sorry, but I'm afraid we have been let down." "You said there was gonna be a show here this afternoon." " Live entertainment." " Ambrose:" "Yes, I know, but..." "There ain't no show?" "If you'll let me explain..." "We'll give him a show." "Okay, you cats." "Take your seats." "I'll have this one." "Hey!" "You let them seats alone!" "Wait, Number One." "I think they've got something." " But, sir, they..." " Those seats should've been broken up long ago." "Come on, no slugging." "Get down to it." " You crazy?" " He's nutty as a fruitcake." "You said you had nowhere to dance." "Well, here's your dance hall." "Cor!" "Good old "Hornblower"!" "Anything there of any use?" "Some of it's okay." "Except for what it says." ""Long live King Edward the seventh."" "Dig deeper." "You may get up to date." "Long live our glorious Queen." "(both laugh)" "(music playing)" "My rule is 9:00 for the closing of all huts." "And will you please turn that machine off?" "Look." "Fred!" "(music playing in distance)" "Them lights haven't worked since Armistice night." "* Ooh ee ooh ee" "* Ooh ee ooh" "* I wanna breathe that mountain air *" "* See my gal with the golden hair *" "* Wheels are going clickety clack *" "* Taking me back to my old shack *" "* Got a one-way ticket on the union line *" "* Gonna see that gal of mine *" "* A one-way ticket on the 509 *" "* I'll never leave home again *" "* Ooh ee ooh ee" "* Ooh ee ooh" "* Trains are coming 'round the bend *" "* In the tunnel and out again *" "* Black smoke coming out the stack *" "* This old choo-choo's taking me back *" "* Got a one-way ticket on the union line *" "* Gonna see that gal of mine *" "* A one-way ticket on the 509 *" "* I'll never leave home again *" "* Ooh ee ooh ee" "* Ooh ee ooh" "* Got a one-way ticket on the union line *" "* Gonna see that gal of mine *" "* A one-way ticket on the 509 *" "* I'll never leave home again *" "* Ooh ee ooh ee" "* Ooh ee ooh" "* I wanna breathe that mountain air *" "* See my gal with the golden hair *" "* Wheels are going clickety clack *" "* Taking me back to my old shack *" "* Got a one-way ticket on the union line *" "* Gonna see that gal of mine... *" "Good evening, Superintendent." " Stop that noise!" " Play on!" "I'm sorry, Superintendent." "I cannot allow you to give orders on my pier until you have established your authority to do so." "Shall we step outside and discuss the matter?" "Won't you bring your men with you?" "My crew are quite capable of maintaining order." "* Ooh ee ooh ee" "* Ooh ee ooh" "* I'm gonna buy a wedding ring *" "* We'll be married in the spring... *" "Now I take it I must be committing some sort of offense." "That's putting it mildly, sir." "To begin with, dancing is not permitted at any public place and is subject..." "Really?" "How ridiculous." "And furthermore, this pier possesses no license for dancing in any case." "I will certainly get one." "Where do I go for it?" "You'll soon see, Captain." "For permitting music and dancing in premises not so licensed, you are fined the maximum penalty of five pounds." "For the other and more serious offense, permitting music and dancing in a public place on a Sunday, you will pay 20 pounds." " Hmm?" " (whispering)" "Oh, just a minute." "I'm reminded you made application for a music and dancing license." "The application is rejected." "It seems I shall have to think of something else." "What about a bar?" "I suppose I need a license for that, too." "You suppose?" "And I apply for it here, do I?" "Captain Ambrose, you haven't got a hope." "Put it right out of your mind, sir." "I don't strike my colors as easily as that." "What is the procedure?" "Very well, sir." "You've asked for it." "To obtain a license in this country for the sale of alcoholic beverages..." "Just a minute." "Right." "The bar premises having been selected..." "Select bar premises." "Notice of the application must be thereto affixed in a conspicuous position between 10:00 in the morning and 5:00 in the afternoon on two consecutive Sundays." "A similar notice must also be affixed to the door of the parish church." " For a pub?" " Correct, sir." "Notice in writing must also be given to the clerk at the Rating Authority, the chief of police, and the clerk of the licensing justices." "The last two both requiring also a plan of the premises." "For the granting of any license, it will be necessary for the court to take notice of such objections as may be entered by the licensed victualing trade, temperance, and/or religious organizations, and such private individuals" "as may fear disturbance of local amenities." "After which one is at liberty to sell a glass of beer." "Should the license be granted, further application is then required to be made to the confirming authority, and in the event of the license being confirmed, an agreement reached with the Customs and Excise Department on Monopoly Value," "further and final application may then be made for an excise license to sell liquor." "And then?" "You sell it." "Well, that's all quite clear and straightforward." ""Select bar premises."" "Well... this place wouldn't be much of a loss." "Not even to the fish." "Especially when you think of their sex life." "Poor little perishers." "Run a counter along here... cut a porthole there." "Make a right tight little bar." "Well, that's settled." "Get it cleared." "Well, what do we do with the fish?" "Put 'em in the drink where they belong." "(whistles)" "Here." "(buzzing)" "Eight bells, sir." "Forenoon watch." "Good morning, Number One." "What have you got there?" "A little present for you, sir." "I..." "I made it myself." "Thank you, Number One." "And she's a fine, trim craft." "She shall go in a place of honor." "Oh, thank you, sir." "Is that yours, sir?" "You flatter me." "It belonged to my great-grandfather." "Admiral Ambrose of the Blue." "Oh." "Good morning, Mr. Duckworth." "Sorry, sir." "First aid kit wanted." "An accident?" "A man fainted, sir." "One of the anglers." "Angler:" "It's a Japanese balloon fish." "It's fantastic!" "They never swim west of Sumatra!" "Oi, look at this!" "No, it's..." "It's impossible!" "What is it?" "Why, it's a..." "It's a... (groans)" "Number One..." "I think our pier's gonna set people talking." "Mr. Mayor," "I have never hesitated to express my opinion that Sandcastle Pier is an eyesore, a blot on our beautiful town." "And now that it has become the property of a person who seeks, it appears, only to subvert the morals of our young people..." "It's all right, madam." "A person, moreover, who now has the effrontery to apply for a license to sell liquor." "Mrs. Barrington, I can set your mind at rest." "I'm very glad to hear it." "Now, the planning committee has been working for some little time on a scheme for the improvement of our seafront." "And the result of our efforts, which you have in front of you, is a plan which is going to mean the total removal of the pier." "This will be acquired by compulsory purchase, and its demolition will make room for the construction of a new marine drive." "I've often thought that was something we badly lacked." "As you can see, this will consist of a roadway running along the foot of the cliff and taking in approximately 100 feet of the foreshore." "A hundred feet?" "But that will mean moving my bathing huts forward." "I'm afraid this scheme does not envisage the retention of your bathing huts." "You want to get rid of my huts?" "Well, since we're getting rid of the pier..." "But my huts have been there for over 30 years." "The pier has been there for 65 years." "I hardly think your huts come into the category of ancient monuments." "(laughs)" "Though, naturally, you'll be offered compensation for them." "And may I inquire what the new owner of the pier is going to get in the way of compensation?" "Hmm?" "The figure arrived at by the surveyor is 2,800 pounds." "And may I further inquire, Mr. Mayor, what you received for the sale of the pier?" "That is entirely a private matter." "Very private, I've no doubt." " What you getting at, eh?" " What does that mean?" "Madam, we must not involve ourselves in personal issues." "We're here to serve the community, remember?" "(together) Hear, hear." "Gentlemen..." "I've sat here longer than any of you and I can remember the time when this council had a reputation for service to the community of which it was justly proud." "Self-interest was then a thing unknown." "Are you accusing us of self-interest?" "You're a fine one to talk." "All this fuss about those old huts of yours?" "Order, please, order." "Mrs. Barrington..." "Thank you, Mr. Mayor." "Under the impact of the blow, perhaps I have been thinking selfishly of my own interests." "At least I can plead that I'm not the only offender here." "(chatter)" "Let the mayor deny that he's made a quick profit on the sale of the pier." "And let him deny that his firm will get the contract for this new marine drive." "And you, Mr. Bullen." "Let us hear you declare that you won't take the pier for scrap when it's demolished." "This is disgraceful." "Madam, your remarks are highly improper." "As a lawyer, I'd better warn you, they're also gross slander." "Mrs. Barrington, I must demand..." "Save your breath, Mr. Mayor." "I'm no longer having any part in this conspiracy." "You will kindly accept my resignation from the council." " (sighs) - (chatter)" "Last of the anglers gone ashore, sir." " With a catch, I hope." " Two, sir." "East Indian triggerfish and a porcupine eel." "Splendid." "All right, darken ship, Number One." "Aye, aye, sir." "Sir!" "What is it?" "It's a lady friend of ours." "Flying a distress signal." "I hope I'm not intruding, ma'am." "Please leave me alone, mister..." "Captain." "I'm perfectly all right." "I don't like to contradict a lady, but you seem to be in distress." "Well, if I am, I can hardly expect you to understand." "Please go." "Very well, ma'am." "If you're sure there's nothing I can do." "They're going to take my huts away." "Dear me." "You shall tell me all about it." "My cabin isn't exactly up to battlewagon standards, but I used to make the best coffee in the water." "Come along." "Come on." "And, so, to cut a long story short," "I resigned then and there." "Quite right." "A tot of this to jolly it up?" "Oh, no." "Please, wait." " What is it?" " Rum, ma'am." "Oh, no." "I never touch alcohol." "Then this is a good time to start." "It's an occasion for splicing the main brace." " What?" " Celebration." "You've resigned from the council." "Oh, but that doesn't mean..." "Come along, now." "Strike it down." "Mm, I think perhaps it does improve the coffee." "It improves the world, ma'am." "Nothing can alter the facts." "Oh, yes, it can." "Nobody's going to take your huts away from you." "But you don't realize the powers they have." "Compulsory purchase..." "Mrs. Barrington, you shall put your huts on my pier." "Captain Ambrose, I've misjudged you." "Forget it, ma'am." "Some coffee." "Most generous." "A most generous offer." "I only wish I could accept it." "Listen, ma'am, there's plenty of deck space, and there's no reason why we shouldn't carry a bit more top hamper." "I'm not concerned about her looks." "She's an old hooker and I know it." " Oh, but you don't understand..." " To tell you the truth," "I only bought her because I've always wanted a command of my own and this is the only one I could ever arise to." "Just an ugly old hooker." "But I wouldn't change her for any craft afloat." "Here, steady, steady." "This won't do." "Captain Ambrose..." "I don't know how to tell you." "To tell me what?" "I can't put my huts on your pier because... they're going to take the pier as well." "They're..." "What did you say?" "They're going to take it over and demolish it." "Demolish my pier?" "Oh, they... they'll give you compensation, of course." "2,800 pounds, they said." "But I paid 5,000 for her." "5,000!" "Every penny I could scrape up." "(groans)" "That crony." "That crook." "That horrible swindler." "Why did you do it?" "The pier wasn't worth that." "She was worth it to me." "Just an ugly old..." "What was it you said?" "Hoo... hooker, ma'am." "Just an old tub." "But that's not the point." "I'll tell you something." "You've told me a secret, I'll tell you a secret." "There is no other sort of ship can ever suit me and I'll tell you why." "I get seasick." "Permanently, catastrophically seasick." "You poor sailor." "You understand?" "This is the only command I can ever have." "I've got to stop them." "But how?" "The council have got the power." "They can do what they like in this town." "My pier is not in this town." "She belongs to the sea." "It comes under the jurish..." "Jurisdiction." "Are you sure of that?" "Quite sure?" "Just like the holiday camp on Starfish Island." "Holiday camp." "What about it?" "My huts." "24 huts." "Two bunks in each." "Holiday camp on the pier." "We can run it together, you and me." "Holiday camp on the pier." "Wait, not a holiday camp." "A liner." "Holiday cruises." "For people like you who are always seasick." "Never been on a cruise." "Hundreds of people like that." " Thousands." " The liner that never rocks, never rolls." "You've spent your savings." "I'll give you my savings." "That's very kind of you." "But it's no good." "A pipe dream." "Partners." "We could be partners." "You've forgotten the council." "Oh, the council." "Going to sink your ship." "Sink my ship." "But they couldn't, could they?" " Couldn't what?" " Sink my ship." "If she were a ship." "Mrs. Barrington, listen to me." "Call me Arabella." "Arabella." "But that's beautiful." " (groans)" " Ooh, steady, Arabella." "Arabella." "Tonnage?" "2,116." "Is that deadweight?" "It is, indeed." "Class of ship?" "I'm using her as a pleasure craft." "Passenger vessel." "Port of registry." "Sandcastle-on-Sea." "Something wrong?" "No, it's just a little unusual." "A seaside resort." "Type and make of engines." "Oil induction, Loveday and Bone." "Loveday and Bone." "Are they making marine engines now?" "They made ours." "I thought they were only light and power." "That's rather interesting." "When and where was your ship built?" "Sandcastle, 1892." "1892?" "Then she must have been on the registry for years." "She's never been launched." "I see." "Well, well." "Length?" "1,032 feet." "My dear sir, that makes her longer than the Queen Elizabeth." "She is." "Hmm." "I shall be interested to see the plans of this remarkable vessel." " Plans?" " Well, surely you brought them with you." "Are they essential?" "Most certainly they're essential." "You can't register a ship in this country until we've approved her plans." " This isn't Liberama." " Liberama?" "Some of those countries would register a washtub for the sake of the fees." "Liberama." "Man:" "1,032 feet?" "Let me see, what figure would that be in meters?" "Ambrose:" "I haven't worked it out." "Well, no matter." "It's a technicality." "But now, Captain..." "I have to be a little bit more specific." "International shipping regulations, you understand." "You carry a radio, of course?" "Of course." "And a television set on order." "Really?" "Most enterprising." "Lifeboats, fog warning system?" "All in hand." " And radar?" " That's an idea." "And more entertaining than TV." "I'll see what I can do." "Thank you for the suggestion." "It's a pleasure." "Well, that is really all I require... except a little matter of registration fee." "If you please." "Oh, thank you." "My government will inform Lloyd's in the usual way about this addition to our Merchant Navy." "When is the launching ceremony?" "As soon as we've finished work on her superstructure." "Barrington:" "I name this ship Arabella!" "Good luck!" "Oh!" "Try again!" "I name this ship Arabella!" "Good luck to all who never sail in her!" "Pipe." "(whistles)" "(cheering)" "(foghorn blowing)" "Hey!" "(whistling)" "Fog warning on a day like this?" "Fella must be mad." "He'll be mad, all right, when he sees this." "Come on." " Ambrose:" "Pipe." " (bosun's pipe whistling)" "Welcome aboard, ma'am." "A great day, Captain." "The crew is lined up for your inspection." "Oh, how sweet of them." "One can't help feeling sorry for the poor devil, you know." "The money this must be costing." "What beats me is where he gets it all from." "What did he pay Mrs. Barrington for these huts?" "I haven't set eyes on her since she walked out on us." "Oh-ho." "So there she is." "What on earth's she doing here?" "Good afternoon, gentlemen." "We were not expecting visitors today, but..." "Captain Ambrose, as mayor of this borough, it's my duty to hand you this." "A civic welcome?" "How very generous." ""Order for compulsory purchase."" "There's been a mistake." "That can't apply here." "I'm afraid it does." "You read it, Captain Ambrose." "You'll soon see." "I really don't think there's any need, Mr. Mayor." "I know quite well a local authority has no power to acquire a ship." "Did you say a ship?" "The passenger vessel Arabella, registered under the ensign of Liberama." "You're out of your mind." "Ambrose:" "If you wish for confirmation, here is the latest supplement to Lloyd's Register." "But you can't do this." "I have done it." "Would you do us the honor, ma'am, of giving the order?" "With pleasure, Captain." "Splice the main brace!" "Come and get it!" "Up spirits!" "(cheering)" "Thank you." "Will you join us, gentlemen?" "Well, that seems to be that." "I hope so, Captain." "Mr. Crowley stands to lose a great deal by this." "More than he can afford." "You must keep your weather eye open." "It never closes, ma'am." "Crowley:" ""Book now for the maiden voyage of R.M.S." "(really motionless ship) Arabella." ""The ship that never rocks, never rolls."" "I'd rock and roll 'em." ""No currency restrictions."" "My currency's gonna be restricted, though." "I was counting on that scrap metal deal." " And what about you?" " That'll do, Bullen." "I want to know the planning committee's legal rights." "Yes, after all, we have been authorized to build the marine drive." "And as long as that confounded pier is standing, we can't even make a start." "Well, I'm afraid we have to accept the fact that in law, the pier is now a ship." "But at least we can see to it that these cruises of his are a very uneconomic proposition." "(music playing)" "Oh, look." " Did he?" " Yes." "Good morning, gentlemen." "Is it possible you have booked passage with us?" "Not today, Ambrose." "You might say we represent the Port Authority." "We have you to thank, Captain, for making us a seaport." "I'm glad I've been able to please you." "A splendid new source of income for the town." "Mr. Chailey, what are the harbor dues for the Arabella?" "According to the authorized scale of harbor dues for English seaports, a ship of this size, for each day at her berth is chargeable to the amount of 247 pounds, 18 shillings." "247 pounds?" "A lot of money." "Too much, I think, ma'am, for the attractions which Sandcastle has to offer." "Crowley:" "Refuse to pay and we take you to court." " Mr. Merrick." " Sir?" "Send the ship's carpenter here with an ax." "Aye, aye, sir." "And run up the Blue Peter." "We sail with this tide." "Ambrose:" "As officials of the Port Authority, you realize, of course, that harbor dues are only payable so long as the ship is lying in her moorings." "Uh..." "I shall require notice of that question." "I thought you might." "Are you coming with us, gentlemen?" "If not, I must ask you to step ashore." "We are about to cast off." "Chips, sever those planks." "(passengers laughing)" "(foghorn blowing)" "(all laugh)" "Good-bye!" "Good-bye!" "Good-bye!" "Good-bye!" "Good-bye!" "Good-bye!" "(wind blowing)" "What do you make of her, Mr. Duckworth?" "Duckworth:" "It's a dredger, sir, working on the deep water channel." "She's an old friend." "(rings bell)" "You know, a skipper." "Who, Figg?" "Figg, sir." "Back on his old job, eh?" "She's all yours, Mr. Duckworth." "(chatter)" "No, no." "The fancy one." "That one over there." "How much is it?" "No, the other one." "Take my advice, ma'am." "Don't trust the natives." "Oh." "(chiming)" "One shilling, sir." "Only a bob for a scotch?" "We're at sea now, sir." "Duty-free." "Make it a treble." "Righto, sir." "My sister Agnes." "Now, she's just like a horse." "Never been sick in her life." "Only last week, she came back from a cruise in the Med and when she told us that she sat at the captain's table," "I said to my husband, Bertie, I said," ""If you don't get us seats at the captain's table, I'm going to..."" "well, what has happened to Bertie?" "First night out, bound to be a few missing at table." " Steward?" " Sir?" "Bring me a bottle of Taylor '07 from the port bin." "Port's in the starboard bin, sir." "Then sweep to starboard." "T for Taylor '07." "T for Taylor '07, sir." " Key to the door!" " Two, one, 21!" " Doctor's orders!" " Number nine!" " Unlucky for some." " One, three, 13." "(slurred) Somebody in the water out there under the ship swimming like a fish." "Well, I expect it was a mermaid, sir." "Lots of 'em about at this time of the year." " Legs 11!" " Number 11!" "Bingo!" "I've won!" "And though this boat drill is only a rehearsal for something that won't ever happen, still, we have to obey international shipping regulations." "Mrs. Hopkins, you're back to front." "Thank you, ladies and gentlemen." "Mr. Thomas, check lifeboat's gear." "Aye, aye, sir." "Right, lower away." "(squealing)" "Handsomely, lads." "Handsomely." "Man:" "There's a man down there." " Evie!" " (splashes)" "Oh, Captain, I've just been telling my sister we've got everything she ever had on any of her cruises." "Not a single thing missing." "Not even your breakfast." "May I have a word with you, sir?" "Oh, lovely." "Come along, now." "What were you doing down there?" "Swimming." "But why under the pier?" "Well, why not?" "It's a free ocean, isn't it?" " Now, see here, you." " Just a minute." "What's your name?" "Davy Jones." "All right, throw him back." "Sir, do you reckon it was him that shook up the poor old major last night?" "If it was, he must have been here for some purpose." "Let's have another go at him." "(water splashes)" "(laughs) Too late." "We've learned from this underwater survey that the pier supports go down into the sea bed for some 15 feet." "Now, the safety margin, our surveyor tells me, is 12 feet." "Councilor Figg's dredger." " Precisely." " Yes, but, Mr. Mayor..." "We have only to dredge away three feet of mud and..." "But they'll have us for damages." "Heavy damages." "Oh, come, Mr. Chailey." "We shan't be laying a finger on that." " Mr. Mayor..." " We shall merely be deepening the harbor for this so-called ship and making certain at the same time that her first cruise will also be her last." "But... but do we want it to be her last?" "I beg your pardon, Mr. Timmins?" "I can't help wondering, Mr. Mayor, whether we're not making a great mistake going to all these lengths to get rid of the pier." "Are you mad?" "I know we agreed to scrap it, but that was before Captain Ambrose came along." "We didn't anticipate all this publicity." "It has put Sandcastle very much on the front page." "And what has that done to the town except turn it into a vulgar joke?" " It's attracted a lot of visitors," " Yes." "And visitors mean money." "Just so, I think Mr. Chailey's quite right." "Whether we like it or not, Sandcastle Pier is famous today all over the country." "Yes, yes, well, that's what I mean." "If you don't mind... if we were to get rid of it now," "I can visualize quite a public outcry." "I thought it was your opinion, Mr. Chailey, that we badly lacked a marine drive?" "But as you pointed out yourself, Mr. Mayor, that would mean the removal of the pier, which is something we might now bitterly regret." "I do personally feel that Mr. Chailey has come up with a most valuable suggestion." "Hear, hear." "(sighs) Hear, hear." "But to give up now." "Make us more of a laughingstock than ever." "The next thing we know, you'll be wanting to subsidize the pier." "Well, I think today it'd be a pretty good investment." "Hera, hear." "Well, what exactly are you proposing?" "I propose that approaches be made to Captain Ambrose and Mrs. Barrington with a view to the council participating with them in the management of the pier." " I second that." " Order, please." " Vote, vote!" " (arguing)" "Come on, vote." "Vote, please." "Crowley:" "We were outvoted and it's all your fault for not coming to the meeting." "What, before I'd had me bath?" "You wouldn't have liked it much if I'd come straight from the dredger." "But your vote would've made all the difference." "Now you've got to help us." "Well, we can't dredge." "That's certain." " They'd hear us." " Yes, of course we can't." "But there's another way." "You can pull it down." "That's a lot to ask." "Well, there's a lot at stake, and not only for me." "You're all in on the marine drive contract, but there won't be a penny for anyone if that pier remains standing." "We couldn't pull down more than a bit of it." "But don't you see?" "If only part of it collapses for no apparent reason except old age, it'll be the easiest thing in the world to get the whole condemned as unsafe." "Well, you'll have to come and crew for me." "Us?" "Well, I can't do it all by myself, and I'm not trusting my crew." "They'd have the black on me for the rest of my life." "How many do you need?" "A couple more would do it." "I don't think I'd be much use." "My doctor's warned me that I've got..." "Why, you little rat." "What about my ulcer, eh?" "Gentlemen, gentlemen." "Why the sudden cold feet?" "Nobody outside these four walls is ever likely to learn the facts behind this incident." "Provided, that is, that we all stick together." "That's just what I was gonna say." "But if he only needs two of us..." " You and Bullen." " What's that?" " You're not dodging out." " Nobody's dodging out." "Well, really, think in my position." "I'm not leaving anybody behind who knows what the game is." "But you can't expect the mayor of Sandcastle to put to seas a dredger head." "If you don't go, I'm certainly not going." "(arguing)" "What I say goes!" "(music playing)" "I think it's perfectly lovely." "Don't you agree, Captain?" " The belle of the ball." " Thank you, Captain." "I'm afraid I haven't worn it very much lately." "Mr. Thomas rode me ashore to fetch it." "Rode you ashore?" " Don't you suffer?" " Suffer?" "Oh, from seasickness?" "No, I'm fortunate." "I did once, mind you, when I was quite a girl," " but I got over it." " How?" "Oh, well, I suppose I just grew out of it." "Oh, you were lucky." "Oh, dear." "I nearly let it out." "It wouldn't do for our customers to know the cure, would it?" " The cure?" " Well, it cured me." "Mrs. Barrington, for years, the best medical brains at the disposal of the Admiralty have been trying to find, without success, a cure for seasickness." "And you stand here and calmly announce that you know one?" "Yes, it's really quite simple." "You just stuff your ears with cotton wool and wear very tight corsets." "I thought for a moment you were serious." "I am serious." "It never fails." "Tight corsets?" "Anything in sight?" "Ah, you see that dot?" "A ship approaching." "In a moment, you'll see her alter course to avoid us." "Cutting it a bit fine, isn't she?" "Any moment now." "(woman gasps) She's going to collide with us." "Ambrose:" "Calm, calm." "Bertie:" "She has collided with us." "I didn't feel any shock." "No collision." "It's a small craft passing under the pier." "In a moment, you'll see her come out on the other side." "She's sunk." "Look, sir." "(chattering)" "Ladies and gentlemen, will you excuse me?" "Steward, look after my guests." "Number One, come with me." "Tommy:" "Figg's dredger!" "What the blazes does he think he's doing?" "Look, sir." "(stretching)" "Clear away boats for launching." " Aye, aye, sir." " Need a boarding party." "You and Duckworth." "Sir, but... but you'll take command, sir?" "I'm afraid not." "You carry on, Number One." "Tommy:" "All hands!" "You gave us a..." " Excuse me." " (overlapping chatter)" " Is it really all right, Captain?" " There's no cause for alarm." "You're all quite safe." "Excuse me, please." "Gentlemen... gentlemen, I am about to engage the enemy." "Belay that." "Number One, I'm taking command." "Aye, aye, sir." "What?" " Come out of there." " Let 'em be." "This is a job for small craft." "Mr. Duckworth, fetch an ax." "Number One, follow me." "Captain, one moment." "This is no time for jokes, ma'am." "Breathe in." "(inhales, wheezes)" "It's not as good as a corset, but it'll have to do." "Wait." "Useless." "I've tried all the drugs there are." "Not drugs." "Plugs." "There." "Good luck, Captain." "I shall do my duty, ma'am, to the best of my disability." "(cheering)" "Now go forward." "Tommy:" "All gone forward." " Helm amidships." " Tommy:" "Helm amidships." " Slow astern." " Slow astern." " Stop engines." " Stop engines." "It works!" " Form line ahead." " Form line ahead!" " Port wheel." " Port wheel." "Full speed ahead." "Full speed ahead." "(creaking)" "Go astern and try again." "We'll do it next time." "Get over!" "(creaking)" "Enemy in sight, sir." "Quite all right, thank you." "Never felt better." "Mr. Duckworth, take your ship in and destroy the halter." "Take independent action." "Execute!" "(music playing on radio)" "(creaks)" "(snaps)" "It's coming!" "Figg:" "They're after us!" "They mustn't find me here." "Cut loose!" "Get rid of the halter!" "No, no, leave that!" "I'll fix them!" "(engine grinding)" "Dig those crazy sugar tongs." "Come and get me!" "Mad hopper!" "Here I am, Figg." "Do your worst." "Look, they're cutting the halter!" "Got him!" "Where is he?" "Give him time." "What goes down must come up." "What's the matter?" "He hasn't come up yet." "Look!" "We've drowned him!" "What's the idea of leaving the wheel?" " We've lost steerageway." " There's no sign of him." "We've killed him." "We'll swing for this." " Shut up." " Ahoy!" "Come up, blast ya!" "Strike your colors, gentlemen!" "(music continues playing)" "Figg, you scoundrel." "Let go of that halter." "No, you don't!" "Navy's here!" "Ooh!" "Keep 'em there, Number One!" "(pistons firing)" "That's it!" "Now!" "(grunts)" "Hurry up, sir." "They're getting impatient." "(all gasp)" "Now!" "Get with it, daddy-o!" "Grab, man, grab!" " (yelling) - (foghorn blowing)" " Help!" " Ah!" "You idiot!" "(cheering)" "(cheering)" "Thomas, make a signal." "Four prisoners awaiting custody." "Aye, aye, sir." "(passengers booing, hissing)" " Well done, Captain." " Thank you very much." " Simply wonderful." " Well done, very exciting." "Thank you, thank you." "Captain." "I think the time has come to splice the main brace." "An excellent idea." " Oh, look." " (squeaking)" " (splashes)" " I hope it's not an omen." "(clangs)" "I'm afraid it is." " Everybody off!" " (creaking)" "As quickly as you can, please." "(creaking)" "Here we are, sir." "Your boat, Number One." "Oh, no, sir." "Not without you." "I shall stay with my ship." "I'll stay with her, too." "You will take command of the other half of her." "That is an order." "Oh." "Well, good-bye, sir." "And good luck." "Good-bye, Number One." "Sailor: (muffled) Ahoy there!" "Ahoy!" "Stand by to receive a line!" "We will take you in tow!" "Nobody claims salvage on my ship!" "(muffled cheering)" "(muffled thud)" "(muffled cheering continues)" "(yelling, cheering in French)" "And that, I fear, gentlemen, is the end of the rum." "(all groan)" "(all singing)" "* Hooray and up she rises *" "* Hooray and up she rises *" "* Early in the morning" "* Hooray and up she rises *" "* Hooray and up she rises *" "* Hooray and up she rises *" "* Early in the morning" "* Hooray and up she rises *" "* Hooray and up she rises *" "* Hooray and up she rises... *" "(music playing)"