"I read somewhere once that there has to be a balance of sorrow and joy for the world to keep turning." "That if all we ever felt was pleasure, then we wouldn't have any pain to compare it to." "I guess that means every time someone starts living, someone else starts to die." "And then are those places where the wires cross." "I'm leaving now." "I'll see you in a little while for dinner." "Love you too." "Bye." "Katie!" "I didn't know you were gonna be here tonight!" "Katie." "Why did you do that to me?" " Man, execution style." " This is the second one this week, man." " Nobody deserves that." " Excuse me, sir." "I need you behind the police line." "Sir, uh, can I have a word with you please?" "Um, I was just leaving and I heard the commotion and" "Right, how exactly are you connected to the victim?" "Um" "We're going to have to discuss exactly what transpired here tonight, sir." "Police!" "Stop!" "Are you insane coming in here like that?" "Shh!" "You'll have to hide me, Charlie just got hit." " The cops are in on it." " What?" "If they take me in I'm gonna get pinned." "Fucking cops." "Go in that door and lock it from the inside." "Don't make a fucking sound." "Is anybody in here?" "Is anybody in here?" "Be right with you." "Hands where I can see them!" "Hands!" "Hands!" "Hands!" "Turn around, turn around, turn around!" "No, Katie, I can't forgive you." "I mean, you made me look foolish in front of everyone." "No!" "You've ruined it forever." "No, that's not it." "Fuck." "Fuck." "Of course I forgive you." "I know." "You're just scared." "We have to work on what keeps us together." "No, that's not it either." "Okay." "What do I say?" "I don't know what to say." "Give me the fucking keys." "Come on, come on, come on, give me the fucking keys." "Fucking bullshit." "Fuck this shit." "I told you I ain't got a key to it." " Would you stop fucking yelling?" " No sir, I don't smell anything!" "Come on, let's get the fuck out of here, man." "Fucking retard." "I'll lock up just to be on the safe side." "It's alright." "They're gone." "What the fuck are you thinking bringing them cops in here?" "I'm fucking clean now." "I got to piss!" "Now tell me what the fuck's going on." "I don't know." "Look!" "I'm new to this!" "I mean there's, there's a senator, a business man a runaway and a dead girl." "Somehow that got Charlie killed." "That's all I know." "Charlie's dead?" "Charlie's dead." "Hey, um, why weren't the cops able to get in the closet?" "Slipped the key off the ring before they came in." "That was slick." "I owe you one, man." "You still here?" "It's the end of the world already?" "Fucked over a lot of people for you." "Oh, come on!" "Fuck!" "OK, Mark." "Time for a little inventory." "You're driving west with your end of the world fund under your seat." "Chasing after a girl you've never met for reasons you can't explain." "The only friend you have is dead." "The cops knew who you were, ergo some senator is on your ass and you've probably been framed for murder." "Is that about it?" "Yes, Mark, except for the unfortunate fact that you're talking to yourself like a goddamned lunatic because apparently there isn't a single good radio station in the entire fucking state of Ohio." "And that, my old friend, is the ocean of shit in which you swim." "Did I leave anything out?" "Well, you do sort of feel like a creepy pervert, but that could just be residual guilt from way back when." "Have a nice day!" "God!" " Guys, this is Amanda." " Hi Amanda!" "We can have lots of fun!" "Some people at the beach said you guys would, um, pay to photographer me?" " Yeah, we will." " How's it work?" "Well you just stand right over here and, uh, we're going to take some pictures and we're gonna put them on one of our modeling websites." "You ever want to be a model?" "Sure, I guess." "Who doesn't?" "Cause you are definitely pretty enough." "Wouldn't you say, buddy?" "Oh, any day of the week!" "And Brad knows what he's talking about cause he's in advertising." "Where do we start?" "Well, Johnny, get this girl a shot!" "So, Amanda, what do you drink?" "I don't have to take my clothes off or anything, do I?" "Well, that is where the money is." "I mean, everyone can use a little extra cash, right?" "Where's that shot?" "Shit." "Oh, what did I miss?" "Where you headed?" "Guess I'll know when I get there." "It's not safe to hitchhike." "Pretty young girl like you." "You're lucky I saw you." "There's no telling what people would do to you." "Well, I have pepper spray." "And it's kind of the reason why I'm out here." "If someone wants to hurt or kill me, then that's obviously all the world is worth." "I'd rather die than live in a world like that." "That's nonsense." "Is it?" "Who put that fool notion in your head?" "No one." "Well, I mean obviously someone did." "But no one in particular, so you could say either with equal validity." "You seem like a pretty smart girl to be spouting nonsense." "You have a lot of fast food bags on your floor board." "You must be on some trip." "I am." "And the way you keep looking in the rear view mirror makes me think you're running from someone." "That's none of your business." "Did he hit you?" "Look, I'm doing you a favor." "If you know what's good for you, you'll keep your mouth shut." "Nothing should be private." "If no one knows about it, it doesn't exist." "I certainly don't agree." "I don't think I can learn what I need to learn from you." "What on earth are you talking about?" "Do you ever cry in bed?" "During sex, I mean?" "I have." "I mean, sometimes it's just too strong or too much and it's scary because, cause I don't know what will happen and it feels like something wants to jump out of me." "It never does." "I will not be having this conversation with a child." "You can let me off at the next exit." "Hi." "It's a long story, but I'm looking for my cousin." "Have you been here all day?" "Since 1:00 this afternoon." "Great." "Have you seen this girl?" "As a matter of fact, I have." "She came around and asked for ways of shopping near here and you know, and um," "Oh." "Maybe I should get the manager." "Wait, that's totally not necessary." "You know what, just, as a matter of fact, just give me her room number and you know what, actually call her and ask her to meet me in the lobby here." "I'm her cousin." "You know, I should get the manager" "No." "Shit, that's not..." "He wouldn't have sent the police." "Nah, they ask too many questions." "But I know he sent somebody." "So I can't tell you where I'm going." "It's even risky for me to tell you where I've been." "But I have to get everything lined up." "Still, I'm disappointed." "I feel like the same person I was a few days ago." "This is going to be much more work than I thought." "But I guess there's still time." "Time can be measured in distance." "Seventeen hundred miles on a map doesn't seem so long." "But in terms of what I need to figure out, it seems much further." "It's hard to really know myself." "I mean even though I've always been putting myself under a microscope, this whole time you were busy living, all I could do was wonder how other people were seeing me." "If I never learned to be who I was supposed to be." "Isn't that just as bad as killing myself?" "This card isn't working either, man." "Try this one please." "Alright." "Pssh." "Nope." "Same thing." "Look, there's gotta be something wrong with your computers cause my cards are all up to date." "No, the reader was working well last night, so I don't know what seems to be going on right now." "Then again, these things do go on a glitch from time to time." "So I'm pretty sure it's not your card." "Do you have another method of payment?" "Sure." "I guess." "OK." "How much is it?" "Damn." "So it wasn't by choice, but it was." "All he did was pull over and ask." "After all those horror stories you hear about little girls and strangers." "Or of people finding razor blades in their Halloween candy." "He asked and I got in." "I've been looking for you for so long." "I know I can't ask you to be the answer to a question that I never had the balls to ask, but I owe you.Believe me." "I knew what would happen, didn't I?" "So now I leave you with these recordings." "So you can see what you've made." "All I really want to do is just take something innocent and... and leave it that way." "You know, just protect it and watch it grow up without, without getting dirty." "You are archivist, historian, philosopher, psychologist, detective, lover." "Killer." "I will find the intersection of these two truths and you will bear witness to all that we are." "Now, you won't see this before you get here, if you come at all, but, but if you come, we have to go Mexico, because we're both in big trouble." "I should start from the start." "You can ask, but you cannot tell." "This is my world, you're just watching it." "From now on your emails are going to be deleted unread and for those of you who are still in my good graces, this might be my last cast for a while." "I have to leave sooner than I thought." "Oh my God!" "Oh, dad, there's somebody outside my window!" "God damnit!" "Now it's gone too far." "What?" "What?" "What's gone too far?" "My name is Eric Spunkmeyer." "It's a long and stupid story." "What's new, Charlie?" "What the fuck is this?" "What's that say?" "Critical Nexus." "What's it mean?" "Don't know yet." "In the first place, I don't what I'm doing or who I'm doing it for." "Picture's off a website that publishes local crime scene photos that are too real to make the news." "Oh, I can't talk about the spooky fuckers." "Ask me about the regular fuckers." "I got a brother and sister playing grab ass." "No, thanks." "So what's with all this dumb drunk girls business?" "Look, if it's all the same, I'd rather not talk about it, alright?" "We sold the website and all of our collective souls." "They can have all of it." "But that's about all I have to say about it." "Sorry, Chief." "Six months sitting at a bar drinking together, I never knew what you did for a living." "My curiosity got the best of me." "I was out of line." "I apologize." "That's OK." "But I'm not proud of everything that went down." "That's funny, a little money usually makes the morals all better." "Nah." "We don't own our morals." "They own us." "Getting rich ain't always about being bad." "Take the asshole who invented the hula hoop." "A plastic circle and he got richer than a French dessert." "Would you like another?" "No, I'm OK." "And you know what, I bet he sleeps better than I do." "I'm sure he does." "Arthur Spud Melon." "Died in 2002." "Why do you know that?" "This is uncool." "Don't lecture me about uncool." "You don't know anything about uncool." "Whatever." "What's her name again?" "Exactly how old is she?" "Look, her name is Laura." "Her ID says she's 21, so everything's cool." "We're just treading water in a whole ocean of shit." "You know the world isn't that bad." "I'm done with this shit." "I know." "My dad thinks I'm a terrorist or something." "He checks my email, he checks my cell phone bill." "He reads my notes." "He looks at my pictures." "For all I know, he sniffs my underwear." "Look out, I have al-Qaeda in my panties." "I have a VMD." "I know you'd like to sniff my panties, DX and no" "I won't send you any." "A girl has to draw the line somewhere." "No, KX, he doesn't know about my blog." "But it's only a matter of time." "He knows a lot about computers." "It must be hard making all those 0's and 1's jump from the company computers all the way down to Mexico." "JX wants to know why I call everyone by their first initial and an X." "Be nice to JX." "Every one of you was a newb once." "I don't know, JX." "Maybe it's because it makes you a little less real to me." "Or maybe because any of you could be my ex-boyfriend." "I can't tell you my ex's name." "I never knew it." "No, PX, I haven't started cutting again." "I just did that to, well, keep watching." "Maybe it'll all make sense." "Sometimes I just feel so much pain inside that I have to make the outside match it." "I don't know why I did it." "But everything's about to change." "I don't know how." "But it will." "But here's what I do know." "How to seduce a genius." "You didn't seduce me, Katie." "I let you seduce me." "So I have this little baby..." "Thanks, Kevin." "See you get my 4G and I get free shows." "Who got the short end of that stick?" "So tonight's contest..." "If you were a computer geek, what would I wear to seduce you?" "Let's say the 5th comment wins and I will try my best to accommodate in a private show." "I got everything." "I'm hardwired into your life." "Kevin!" "Would you please get off that thing and come and eat?" "I'm right in the middle of things." "Please set some aside for me." "Parobek's going for a new max today, huh?" "Oh yeah, working the chest today." "Wimp weight and hombre' secreto." " What's up Elvin?" " Good day, Elvin." "So Wimp Weight, I bought some smart bells for you and I was thinking about offering aerobics on Wednesday nights." "Interested?" "Don't worry about me, Elvin, I'll get where I need to be." "Not coming in twice a week, you won't." "You gotta want it." "Back in prison, I'd have made you my bitch." "Really?" "Didn't think you'd ever go for a guy like me." "Isn't that sweet." "How are you?" "Real good Elvin." "But I'm not going to tell you about it, cause it would only make you realize how empty your own life is." "Ain't that some shit." "Mark, let me ask you something." "You one of those internet millionaires, right?" "I don't know where you got that idea, but what can I do for you?" "That's just the word on the street." "You ain't in computers?" "The street's got it wrong man." "I was rich on paper once, but then the dot com crash fucked me." "I wanna do a website that just has movie clips on it." "Like all the bad ass stuff, like The Magnificent Seven, or Charles Bronson kicking ass." "I wanna play it on the big screen up in here, so everyone will come and get all energized." "What you think?" "It's a cool idea, man, but I don't know shit about websites." "My expertise is in the area of losing money." "If you wanna lose money, give me a call." "I got some work in the back." "Holler if you need anything." "This business is weird as hell." "In the first place, the brother and sister are doing the nasty." "Their old man stated in his will that older brother and older sister would be cut out if they were found to be having an incestuous relationship." "That makes sense, I guess." "No it doesn't." "What in all fuck is the world coming to when you have to specify in your will that your son and daughter shouldn't bang each other?" "Ya'll doing more talking than lifting." "Hey, we are lifting moral weights." "We don't hold it up, all of civilization will collapse." "Hell, let it all fall." "And to top it off, the guy I'm supposed to be spying on turns out to be very well connected." "I mean, this is a pile of shit that stacks as high as a Senator's office." "No shit." "Which Senator?" "The less you know, the better for both of us." "But get this, now the guy says his daughter is missing and he contacted me to do the job." "If I didn't know better, I'd say they were trying to set me up." "So wait, Guy A is asking you to spy on Guy B." "Except I don't know who Guy A is." "Then Guy B calls you out of the blue to find his daughter." " That's about it." " That's..." "It's weird as hell." " But why would?" " They wouldn't, unless Guy A thinks I can figure out who he is based on what I know about Guy B. Can you?" "Maybe." "I just think people want a little left to the imagination is all I'm saying." "Not on this site they won't." "Guys, this is the internet, man everything is wide open." "And I mean that in more ways than one." "Yeah, well how clever." "You know if they want to see chicks in bikinis, can't they just pick up a Sports Illustrated?" "That ain't what I'm saying." "The trick is, you want to make it seductive, sexy, leave people wanting more." "You guys gotta listen to me." "I'm an ad major, I know what sells." "He is an ad major, he has a point." "The point to porn is objectification." "Ultimately what your doing when you're jacking off to that girl in the lingerie," "Brad, is you're stripping her of that lingerie and everything else and you're making her yours." "No, dude, that's bullshit." "I mean, I just like just tits in my face." "Tits." "Love it!" "She's all your personal failure right there to be fucked with your eyeballs." "Why do you think the money shot always happens on the face?" "Porn is all about getting even." "Yeah, but what do you want to do with it?" "Yeah, what does Dr. Freud want?" "Well, what people crave is intimacy, right?" "But not just physical intimacy, they want to see chicks in their most vulnerable moments, in ways that make them so low that anyone can have them." "It's the basest and most fundamental truth." "I mean these pictures are good, Brad, but I don't feel any connection to them." "I don't feel shame or sorrow." "There's nothing dirty about 'em." "No one over the age of 14 would ever jack off to those." "Dude!" "That is fucked up." "I mean these pictures are kind of lame, but..." "I mean then you take better pictures than that." "Come on, man, I had to convince her to do it and she didn't want to do it in the first place." "Plus I promised her I wouldn't show them to anyone." "I mean, come on, we can't show these on the website." "Please." "Aw, come on, like she would even know." "Man, a picture on the internet is gonna be like a needle in a million fucking haystacks." "But look, while you two assholes were jawing this to death," "I got it." "We're going to have different sections." "We're gonna have a section for nudes, a section for lingeries, a section for a little sexier pics, and we'll have a section for whatever psychotic bullshit your dick dreams up." "I'm getting more shots." "Guess I'm gonna have to cut it out of ya." "Is she that girl they found in that Jewel parking lot this morning?" "I wouldn't be that lucky." "But the guy says he wants me to start looking ASAP." "He thinks she might hurt herself." "That's how kids are these days." "You'd have to be crazy to act normal." "So why'd he call you and not the cops?" "You tell me." "I don't believe any of this as far as I can shove it up my ass." "Which ain't, mind you, very far." "But I gotta cover my own back." "I need a favor." "What the fuck are you doing?" "Hello, Mr.  Mrs. Jardine." "Has your daughter ever expressed an interest in the adult film business?" "I'm here to help." "Fuck." "Mr. Parobek, glad you could make it." "Actually, Mr. Parobek was called away on an urgent matter this afternoon." "I'm Mark Jameson." "I'm his main assistant." "OK, come on in." "Great." "So, when was the last time you saw Katie?" " Two and a half days ago." " OK." "One second." "Yeah." "No." "No." "No, listen, you tell Jeff..." "OK." "I talked to him already, alright." "He knows he's gotta..." "Listen, I'm right in the middle of a meeting." "OK, I've gotta go, OK, but don't forget what I told you." "Alright?" "OK." "Alright." "Bye." "Sorry about that, alright." "I had a little urgent business there." "That's no problem." "So uh, what line of work are you in, Mr. Jardine?" "I don't think that matters regarding this discussion, does it?" "Well, it must be important." "Now you listen, Mr. Jameson." "I don't appreciate that Mr. Parobek didn't come by himself." "Now are you going to help me find my daughter?" "Or do I have to get somebody else?" "Look, sometimes we say things just to piss our clients off and they slip some information." "OK?" "But listen, I can see you're on the level, so let's see if we can figure this out." "OK?" "OK." "Now, did she leave a note?" "No." "A picture." "Of what?" "Of herself." "Can I see that picture, please?" "I'd rather you not." "Mr. Jardine, we need to see that picture, don't you think?" "OK." "That's interesting." "Mr. Jameson, I brought you here to find my daughter, not ogle over her body." "What do you think "Critical Nexus" means?" "That's why we brought you here." "Look, who took this picture?" "I think she did." "That was her last obsession, was photography, and I'm sure glad she stopped doing that." "I can't get her off the god damned computer now." "Can I see her room?" "Sure." "We're about to take this show on the road so it's time I get to the heart of my discontent." "It's the crossroads of the little and the big." "The metaphorical and the real." "I know where I'm going, but not how I'll get there." "And I know who'll come, but I don't know your name." "I don't ever want to know anyone's name." "And to that one viewer who's getting a little too demanding, knock it off." "Critical Nexus is my blog." "If you want to call the shots, start your own." "The web is a free country, so if I ban you," "I'm sure you'll find a way back in, but stop contacting me." "OK." "Actually, would it be alright if I, uh, looked at that?" "Well, I checked it, it's password protected." "You know I can actually get around that, but I would have to take it back to our office, would that be a problem for you?" "No that's fine." "OK." "Well, is there, um anything else you can think of to tell me?" "Any friends she could be staying with, um, anything unusual about her behavior?" "Any ideas at all about where she might be?" "No." "I checked with her friends' parents, she's not there." "That's all I have." "Hell, her behavior is so strange, she's a god damned teenager." "Anything else?" "Well, she stole 50,000 from me when she left." "One rep, that's all?" "Hell, that ain't even a rep." "You didn't repeat nothing." "I just wanted to see if I could do it once." "What's got into you, man?" "I don't know, man." "There's this girl." "It's this thing Charlie put me up to, and she's missing and I got to digging through her computer." "She kind of reminds me of what I thought someone would have been like if I'd known her better." "Huh?" "I found her blog and a bunch of her pictures." "She looks like any other normal girl." "But all she talks about is sex and death." "She's never had an orgasm." "I mean, what do you think about that?" "I think 15 will get you 20." "That's not what I'm talking about." "Do you ever wish you could do your life over?" "Ain't no use, you'd still have to be someone anyway." "Hey, Chief." "Jesus, what the fuck?" " I look real good, huh?" " Can I get you a towel?" "The only thing you can do is lay low." "This whole thing's exploded." "What whole thing?" "Not that it matters, but how's Little Miss Missing?" "Well, she's missing, and I think the old man pilfered his company, then the kid ran off with a chunk of it with on a joy ride." "Yeah, you're pretty sharp." "He did pilfer it and a whole lot more." "And it all gets rerouted to Mexico." "That's where my friend, the Senator comes in." "I'm headed over to the library to do a little more research but before the street thins out too much, I'm skipping town." "I recommend you do the same." "He fucking sent four guys after me and I know one of em's a cop." " I let him play me." " Jardine sent four guys after you?" "No, Jardine's a snake, but he's not a bad snake." "He's just in way over his head." "Blaine Jeffers." "He's the king cobra." "Senator Jeffers, the anti-abortion guy?" "Nobody's gonna believe this." "So Jardine and Jeffers were setting you up." "No, Jardine was working for Jeffers." "Jeffers didn't trust him and hired me to look into it." "But I found out more than I was supposed to and somehow it got back to him." "So why'd Jardine hire you to find his..." "Dumb luck as far as I can tell." "So where's that leave us with the Katie kid?" "I'm a me and you're a you." "There ain't no us." "I just have have to keep my ass out of a sling." "You don't have to do anything except not know what I know." "Is the back door open?" "Yeah, go on." " Wait, Charlie, what do I need..." " Not be seen with me." "Wait 10 minutes before you leave." "Lock up your place and go visit family somewhere." "I'm sorry I got you into this." "The real bitch is, I voted for that self-righteous prick!" "Well, that's some shit." "That's some shit." "A mas... master, master..." "Mister." "Mister..." "Mister... master." "Mister..." "Mister!" "Mister Green Jeans!" "Yeah, fuck that guy." "Excuse me, sir, I need you behind the police line." "OK, OK." "Excuse me, sir, can I have a word with you please?" "I was just leaving, I'm sorry." "Are you in any way connected to the victim?" " No sir." " Is that our boy?" "Sir, we're gonna need to recap exactly what transpired here tonight." "Hey man!" "Go, go, go, go!" "I'm a me and you're a you." "There ain't no us." "Wait Charlie, what do I do?" "Not be seen with me." "Wait 10 minutes before you leave." "Lock up your place and go visit family somewhere." "I'm sorry I got you into this." "Ah sister, good luck and wish you the best, you know in Vegas." "Win enough money and remember I and I still, ya know," "I will looking' out for you sayin', "bless, beautiful darling."" " Take care, ya hear." " Thanks, T-Jax." "Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou, Romeo?" "I ended up lost on a lot of different interstates today." "But I have to keep reminding myself that it is not a where, but a why." "It isn't a race against anything but myself." "I am so tired of being a prisoner to my own body." "I mean sometimes it feels really good, until it just stops." "Something changes." "Or my body's a burning building and I can't make myself jump out of the window." "My body won't let me go." "Mmm, I'll be here till morning." "Meanwhile, there's a promising adult superstore about a mile down the road." "I'm not sure if I want to get back into another car after today." "More later." "Kiss, Kiss." "What's wrong?" "Nothing's wrong." "Is it because I wasn't a virgin?" "No." "I don't care about stuff like that." "But..." "I always thought that I would feel different after" "I got this over with." "Got this over with?" "This is ridiculous!" "You're the third virgin I've slept with and none of them have acted this weird about it." "Just take me home." "Hi." "I see you have a lot of sex toys here." "Is there anything guaranteed to work?" "Um, I'm sorry, but you have to be 18 to be in here, so I think you better leave." "Well, if girls like me didn't come into places like this, you wouldn't have a job." "Alright." "Two minutes, then out." "I'm going to buy something that's guaranteed to work, and then I'll go." "You, um, might want to send someone back there." "God damnit!" "There's a pocket rocket on the back wall." "Is there any kind of guarantee?" "It's a vibrator, honey, you want a guarantee, buy a blender." "OK, I'll take it." "And some of those batteries too." "Is there a hotel or a motel on this exit?" "You got a lot of nerve coming into a place like this asking questions like that." " Well?" " Quarter mile north." "And is there a mall around here?" "I need to buy some new clothes." "There's an outlet mall about a half mile on the other side." "Cash or charge?" "For those of you using this as an educational tool, the pocket rocket was not up to task." "I mean it, felt good at first, but then you just sort of lose yourself and it doesn't mean anything anymore." "Like I totally went numb after a while." "You buy a vibrator and don't show?" "That's not why I gave you my baby." "Seriously, one spring, you're just a little girl, then by next fall you're practically a woman." "I'm off to the wild west." "I just have to get rid of some extra baggage first." "I feel sort of bad throwing away new clothes, but, they just didn't feel right." "Will I ever feel right?" "If you won't talk to me, I should at least get to see everything." "Oooh." "This just in." "From the creep zone, we have the following fan mail:" ""I wish I could get closer to you so I could smell what perfume you wore." "Do you wear perfume?" "Deodorant?" "Do you douche?" "What do you smell like beneath the smells you wear as a mask?"" "I would almost suspect that my good friend, BX is back." "But I thought I banned him." "Signing off from Toledo." "Catch me if you can." " Hey, bud." " What's up?" "Hey listen, I'm looking for a girl." "Yeah, me too." "No, no, no, I'm looking for this girl." "Nice tits." "What's her name?" "Her name's Katie Jardine, OK?" "Well, I don't know all the girls in these videos and we don't keep a database of stuff like that." "No, no, no, she's a real girl and she was in here last night." "Oh, that girl." "Shit is she even old enough?" "Listen, she's a runaway and we're trying to find her." "With a picture of her tits?" "It's the only picture I have." "Well, damn, it's gotta be some family album." "What's her mom look like?" "She was in here." "What was she looking for?" "She wanted a vibrator with a warranty and a motel." "A warranty?" "Where's the motel?" "A quarter mile north." "You're welcome." "Hey, what's up?" "I finally found wi-fi." "And on my way here, wherever here is," "I had a revelation." "I think I will always equate the little and the big because you can't stop fearing it." "No matter how much you want to try to trust someone." "You always know what will happen." "You remember the scratch of his 5 o'clock shadow, his body hair and the way he smelled." "And anyone can look like him, and anyone can smell like him." "And you're always on guard until you let your guard down and you do stupid things on purpose." "And you make bets with God." "And you say, "if you love me, you'll keep me safe"." "The dealer always wins." "Morning." "I need a room with an internet connection, please." "OK, all of our rooms have wireless service and data ports." "Let's see..." "Um, actually, the bank is denying your card." "They say that it's defective." "Do you have another form of payment?" "Hold on a sec." "OK, I understand." "Hi mom, how's it..." "What?" "Slow down!" "Slow down." "They got Elvin?" "Mom, who's been by?" "Tell me what they said." "Uh huh." "Uh huh." "No, he was a friend of mine." "I don't care what dad would have said." "Dad was a drunk, racist, child-beating asshole." "Oh, like I didn't know he would have rather have adopted a white baby?" "Whatever." "Hey, look Ma, your phone's probably tapped, so just for the record," "I didn't kill anyone." "Not Charlie either." "But apparently somebody pissed off a Senator." "But do you still have the money I gave you?" "You didn't have to take it and you did not have to spend it." "Mom, I gotta go." "Can I have my card back, please?" "Uh, actually, they're asking me to send it back to them because it's defective." "Alright." " Good morning." " Hi." "Jenny B. Hey, listen, is there a computer I could use to get on the web?" "Or better yet, somewhere where I could plug in my laptop?" "Sure." "Let me show you where you can plug in." "Or if you'd like to sit in the lounge, you can access our wi-fi." " You have wireless?" " We are a library." "Then I guess it's been a while since I've..." "You know, actually could you also tell me where the card catalog is?" "Well, it's actually all online now." "What can I help you find?" "Ah, well, I've got a few different things." "I need maps of the United States showing roads and highways..." "Um..." "Romeo and Juliet, and anything you can think of that would help me to define the phrase "Critical Nexus", or play off the words "little and big"." ""The little and the big"." "Hmm, interesting." "I'll see what I can find for you." "Thanks." "This should get you started." "Romeo and Juliet, some literary criticism, and an atlas." "Thank you." "I have no idea what I'm looking for, but thank you." "You're welcome." ""La Petite Mort"." "The little death and the big death." "Pardon?" ""Die, then die, I watched her die many times"." "Jean Rhys." "Wide Saragaso Sea was my favorite book in high school." "I wonder if that's it." "That would be it." "Should I get you a copy of it?" "Uh, please." "And can I also have statistics on female orgasms and death, um, sex and suicide and marriage and suicide?" "Cool." "I'll be right back." "Thank you." "The dealer always wins." "Good afternoon, ladies." "What are you two working on?" "We're drawing horses for the FFA fair booth." " Shhh!" " It's alright." "I don't mean any harm." "You're both such great artists," "I just had to see what you were working on." "Someday, it'll be hanging up in a museum." " Really?" " He's just saying that." " Really, we're busy." " He's just being nice." "There's no harm in being nice, is there?" "We're not supposed to talk to strangers." "Oh, I'm not really a stranger." "I come here all the time." "I guess." "Can I help you with something, sir?" "Just having a conversation." "I'm just being nice." "Jesus Christ!" "If the dealer always wins, when do I get to be the dealer?" "Huh?" "When?" " Are you girls OK?" " Yeah." "Not a word." "OK." "I found statistics about age of sexual activity by state." "Age of first masturbation by religion, sex toys in Europe and America, non-orgasmic women, women with multiple orgasms, women with ejaculatory orgasms, suicide by country, state, city, and climate." " Does that ever creep you out?" " What?" "The stuff that people are looking for." "No." "It's just information." "And whatever you ask is held in the strictest of confidence." "Oh, and this looks cool." "Romeo and Juliet in Las Vegas." "Love and Suicide in Sin City." "Maybe you could feed two birds with one seed." "Las Vegas." "Thank you." "You're welcome." "The guy I'm supposed to be spying on turns out to be very well connected." "If I never learned to be who I was supposed to be, isn't that just as bad as killing myself?" "She that girl they found in the Jewel parking lot this morning?" "I wouldn't be that lucky." "What are you doing here?" "Do you remember waking up this morning?" "Yesterday morning?" "When was the last time you slept?" "Hi." "Hey, I was interested in buying that dress in the window for my niece's birthday." "Is that a popular item?" "Yeah, it's quite popular." "The thing is my niece is here with my sister right now and I know she'd like that." "But I would hate to buy her a dress that she already bought herself." "Um, you haven't seen this girl in here with her mom today, have you?" "We've seen lots of girls like this today and lots of them have bought that dress." "Would you say that a smart, depressed, pretty girl would like this dress?" "The dress in the window is made for girls like that." "That's why they buy them." "It's all marketing." "God, you don't think an actual woman would wear something so dramatic and over the top, do you?" "God, its like our only duty in this world is to turn on perverted uncles." "What the hell was that supposed to mean?" "Excuse me?" "I heard what you said!" "I'm not a pervert and I'm not an uncle!" "All I said is that the dress was popular and that your niece would love it." "And then you started yelling at me and insulting me?" "You're crazy." "Security!" "What have you picked up, Katie?" "Someone else is in your system." "What the fuck?" "Why can't I?" "That's not right." "Who the fuck are you?" "Hey Kevin, we're going for ice cream." "Do you want come with us?" "Would everyone just leave me alone?" "This is very annoying." "Dude, Darren Nealy said he got to third base with her." "Shit, she'll do it with him, she'll do it with anybody." "Which is why she's done it with all of us, right?" "Dude, why are you always defending her, man?" "Why you always sticking up for her?" "Look." "Remember when Romeo here asked her to the dance, at the, the Sadie Hawkins dance?" " Magical." " Remember that?" "Remember that?" "Dude." "She doesn't even like you, man." "Good morning loyal voyeurs." "Ooh, it's still dark out." "But I think someone might be getting close, so I have to go." "But I wanted to let you know about last night." "I tried this thing called the bathtub trick that I read about on another blog." "Still nothing." "But it might work for most people." "My trouble is my mind." "I just can't shut it off." "Always the blood is just a moment away." "But you never know when you're gonna reach down into the floor board and find his knife." "You never can tell if that tearing sound is you or your clothes." "You're being torn apart." "Literally stabbed." "So you do the only thing you can do." "Do you trust anything after that?" "How do you know the next one will stop if it hurts?" "It's all too wild." "Anything can happen." "And what if you find his knife?" "Will you kill him?" "Will you kill yourself?" "Think..." "So long, Romeo." "In response to recent comments, I can't stay put." "Coming around the first turn, "big" is in the lead." "Is "little" closing in?" "You don't know me." "But I know you." "We need to meet and talk." "I figured out the "little and the big"." "But I need some help understanding the "critical nexus"." "I've spent my whole life talking people into things, but now I get the feeling that I've got to do just the opposite." "I didn't feel like getting all girled up." "So all I am is all I am." "And here's the problem," "I figured this out this morning." "We have to lure you in." "And if we don't, we're failures." "But once we do, you're not what we need." "I wish the pieces of the puzzle fit better." "Drunk Johnny, please." "Aw, come on man, you know who this is." "Oh, didn't think so either, man." "Well, I knew you moved to KC a few years ago." "That, um, Cheryl girl you were with back in a..." "Oh, it didn't work out, eh?" "Hey, listen, man, I'm on a bit of a road trip but I need a favor." "Let me get your address." "No, it's not like that, man." "Look, I'll tell you a weird story when I get there." "Man, I haven't slept in like..." "What?" "I was just sort of hoping that..." "Listen, man, can we talk about that in person?" "The beauty for you two is that we've already laid down the ground work." "We've already designed the site and we have several months worth of girls lined up and we have a very diversified palette." "Every man wants something different, right?" "So we've got everything from soft core to hard core and everything in between." "Plus, we're talking multiple revenue streams by the time we get the dating site in full gear." "I don't see how you're going to get this around." "I don't know who's gonna want to touch it." "Are you gonna put up a billboard?" "We plan on a lot of word of mouth traffic." "It's a brand new medium." "These sites get passed around in chat rooms, linked to on message boards." "The advertising should take care of itself once the word gets out." "But actually, my friend, Brad, here is in charge of that aspect of the operation." "Bradley?" "Yeah." "Absolutely." "You know, I figured out the direct mailing pieces to a targeted audience of subscribers to Playboy," "Hustler, for starters." "You know, I'm thinking something simple." "In effect, you see it big, but you keep it simple." "Do you like to see drunk, naked girls?" "Check "yes" or "no"." "If you mark "no", you're probably a fag." "That is awesome, man." "Where they going?" " Hey" " Hey stranger." " Um, bourbon, neat." " Sure." " Here you go." " Thank you." " Keep the tab open?" " You got it." "You're new here." "Welcome to the best bar in Des Moines." "Is that where I am?" "Mind if I join you?" "Look, I'm probably not very good company right now." "My name's Derrick." "If you wanna talk, you can." "If you don't want to, we don't have to." "Patrick, give me another Corona light." "So where you passing through from?" " All over really." " You don't look like a trucker." " I'm not." " Is that a magic bag?" " Huh?" " What's in the bag?" "Nothing's in the bag." "I just haven't checked in yet." "Staying across the street?" "Look, Derek, you know I'm straight, right?" "It's OK, hon, a lot of guys come in here thinking they're straight or wanting everyone else to think they are." "You're setting us back, man." "Doesn't matter what people outside this bar think." "What happens in here, stays in here." "Is this really necessary?" "I see you're afraid of who you are, but there's a reason why you came into the bar today." "Yeah, it's across the street from my motel." " And?" " And I'm from out of town and didn't realize this was a gay bar." "The name "Banana Bar" is pretty ambiguous." "Score one for the pink team." "Look, I didn't see the name." "I just wanted to drink." "So, I guess this conversation's gone about as far as it was meant to go." "OK, cowboy." "You know you straight types are always funny." "You come in here acting like you don't know what it is and then get all offended when someone approaches you." "You want a good fucking but that prison in your mind won't let you have it." "So now you're gonna Jedi mind trick me into taking it up the ass." "For fuck's sake, Derek, don't bother him, he's not interested." "You wish St. Patty." "He's fair game." "I bet he's just like the guy I met at Barnes  Noble a couple years ago." "He came in every Saturday to meet me in the men's room." "I know who you are." "Well, Derrick, congratulations, because I don't know who I am." "Have a nice night, boys." "You're such an asshole." "Look, you don't have to leave." "He does this to everyone." "See you next week, cowboy." "You know jumping into cars is dangerous, don't you?" "But don't worry about that now, I'm a cop." "You don't look like a cop." "I'm off duty." "So why you hitchhiking anyway?" "I thought it was a good way to save money." "I'm on my way to the mall." "The mall's back that way." "See, it's my mom's birthday and she's sick and I thought if I could sneak off to the mall and buy her an nice gift, it might make her feel better." "You know that's really nice, what you're doing." "That's a nice gun you have there." "Yeah?" "You ever had to use it?" "That is something you don't ask a police officer, young lady." "Have you ever... worn it to bed?" "What?" "I mean, have you ever wanted to bury up to the hilt in some girl and pull the trigger?" "What?" "Ahh!" "Man, I don't believe what I'm seeing." "I'm a bit surprised myself." "Hey, you want a drink?" "I'm working on a bottle of Black right now." " I guess so." " Alright." "It's good to see you, Johnny." "Come on in." "Wow" "So what do I owe the pleasure to anyway?" "You want in on my new start-up, right?" "No, I think I'm all done with the web, man." "I, uh, actually I need something else, Johnny." "Dude, it's gonna be hot." "Nothing but chicks fucking and fighting and fisting, man." "No, man, I think I'm all done with that." "Listen, um..." "I think I might be in deep shit." "I'll give you a thousand right now if you... if you can do me a huge favor." "Serious." "How deep are we talking about, man?" "Thanks." "Well, I'm looking at disappearing down south for a few years, you know." "I need you to make me 21." "Aw shit, man." "I've been out of that business for a long time." "I don't know." "It's a lot harder than it used to be." "I can get you something that would work on the Andy Griffith show, but I don't know about Dragnet." "Will it get me across the border?" "Across the border?" "Hell of a lot easier ways to get across the border." "Speaking of which, remember Cancun?" "Oh shit." "That was some crazy shit." "It was man." "Hey, hey, what was that chick's name that we double-teamed down there?" "You remember?" "I was just trying to remember her name the other day and" "I'm like, "What the fuck is her name?"" " Amanda." " Yeah!" "Fuck, Amanda!" "That's right!" "I was like thinking it was Lori or something, but I knew that wasn't right." "Amanda, God." "Oh, that was nasty." "But listen, bro." "I didn't come back here to talk about the old times," "I..." "I need your help, man." "Yeah, yeah." "That's right." "Mark Miller, the choir boy." "I got you in my sights now." "Let me tell you something, Mark." "There ain't no God." "So, you are just wasting your time, worrying about all that shit you did." "And if there was a God, he made you who you are." "And all those girls would have turned out one way or another, no matter what the fuck you did." "How much and how long to get me something that'll work on Dragnet?" "Couple days." "Probably about..." "10 grand." "I gotta call in the big guns." "10K?" "I don't have 10K, man." "God, isn't that something?" "The guy who used to always tell me what to do with my money doesn't have 10K." "Ah, now I got this big house, and you ain't got a pot to piss in?" "I have 6 million." "6 million, but I can't get at it right now." "Someone locked me out of my account." "Who could have locked you out of your account?" "Someone with enough pull to lock me out of my account, Johnny." "Well then you're in deep shit, amigo." "I said that already." "Give me a few days." "Hey." "Can I stay here in the mean time?" "You got a lot of fucking nerve." "The way shit went down." "Oh shit." "Hello." "Everything's fine, except my daughter's missing." "What?" "Now why are you telling me that?" "If you can follow him, why can't you follow her?" "Alright, listen." "If... if you get her back we can maybe make some kind of..." "Then fuck you!" "I remember at this party one time, it was late and we had all told our parents that we were spending the night with each other." "And some of the boys were trying to get us to take off our shirts and flash them." "I wondered why I couldn't." "In your head, you've always got the voice saying," ""Yes or no, yes or no."" "If I keep myself hidden, then I belong only to myself." "But why is that so?" "Why isn't my body more mine if I have control over it?" "Doesn't my choosing make it so?" "Look." "It's so sexy." "This is such bullshit." "What do you want?" "Even if it's right in front of you, and you can grab it and put it in your mouth, you can't do anything with it." "You take off my clothes, you strip my skin, you pull the muscle back from my bones and you suck the marrow and what's left?" "We're just chemicals and neurons." "Why does this have to be such a big fucking deal?" "And BX, stop fucking emailing me." "I can't stop you from watching, but I will not interact with you anymore." "You're not the director, you're just the audience." "And, um, MX, whoever you are, you don't know me." "You don't know where I am and you don't know where I'm going, so if you think you're going to be my knight in shining armor, you've got a big surprise coming." " Hey, wake up!" " Jesus!" "Oh, I'm awake." "How long was I asleep?" "Why were you talking to Cheryl?" "Huh?" "You said that Cheryl told you I lived in Kansas City." "Yeah, we bumped into each other in an airport and" "I asked about you." " Which one?" " Which what?" "Which airport?" "How the fuck should I know?" "LaGuardia." "It was LaGuardia." "Must have been when she was visiting her Aunt Judy." "It's funny, she didn't mention anything about running into you." "Why would she, Johnny?" "I can't imagine that seeing me in an airport bar registers on too many people's lists of exciting life events." "Why do you think she was being so secretive about you?" "Did you fuck her?" "Yeah." "On the baggage claim carousel." "Give me a break." "Then why didn't she mention anything about it?" "Come on, man, you're being a little paranoid, aren't you?" "Look, to be honest, I have no idea why she didn't tell you about running into me." "But I'm sure she wasn't being secretive." "Now what makes you so sure she wasn't being secretive?" "Alright, fun's over man." "How much you had this morning?" "No more than usual, I'm alright." "Old Johnny can handle his liquor." "Speaking of which, man, remember that night we drank all that tequila at Bad Brad's place?" "Huh?" "That was the night you drank that whole bottle in 3 minutes." "Now that was a crazy ass night, bro!" "Yeah." "I remember that." "I remember a lot of things." "I remember..." "I used to mention your name sometimes and" "Cheryl would get this little smile on her face." "I used to always wonder if there wasn't something going on." "Whoa, whoa, whoa..." "Cheryl and I never had anything." "Shit, man, I wasn't even that attracted to her." "Yes, you were." "Remember when I met her." "You and I were together out at Dash's and as we were leaving, you said, "God, I wish I could take that chick home and fuck her."" "And you didn't even know that she had given me her number." "What the fuck are you talking about?" "Shit, man, this is all ancient history!" "So we ran into each other in an airport like millions of people do every day." "So that means I've been sleeping with her behind your back?" "Get a grip on yourself, J-Man!" "You're my friend, bro, and sleeping with my friends' women has never been my style." "Oh yeah?" "I respect people." "And I respect love." "You know that about me." "Now look, I know that break up hurt you, big guy." "But honestly, I think you're better off without her." "And I think you're going to meet the right woman and bring her into this bedroom here and fuck the shit out of her some day soon." "But you know this... this paranoia is going to ruin our friendship." "We can't let some bitch come between us like that." "Am I right?" "Am I right, J-Man?" "Yeah." "You're right, man." " I'm sorry." " It's alright, it's alright." "Let it all go." "Let it all go." "Dude, you've always been a good friend to me." "Hey, I gotta check my email, alright?" "Thanks." "Good afternoon." "Mr. Miller." "Good afternoon." "Have a seat." "My young colleague tells me you have a need." "Yes, sir, I suppose I do." " Is your drink OK?" " Yeah." "Hmm..." "I like a good, quiet bar." "Temperature's right, the lighting is dark and the drinks are cold." "It should be quiet and soothing to be here." "You like my bar?" "Everything's fine." "Your bartender really knows how to not talk." " So, uh, Johnny tells me you..." " Let me tell you first," "I just got back from the most wonderful fishing trip." " Do you fish?" " No, sir." "Up in Michigan, fly fishing." "They have some nice rivers up there." "You should consider taking it up." "It's a very relaxing past time." "Especially when you get up in the years." "How old are you now, Mark?" " I'm 39." " 39, huh?" "That's a good enough time to start." "Guy like you in pretty good shape." "I'd say you're about 6 feet tall." "You need to be around 190 pounds?" "A little extra exercise might help keep the pounds off." "Pretty soon your metabolism will start slowing down." "Hell, that's what did me in." "Yeah, it's a killer alright, huh?" "Yes, sir, it is." "You might try it." " I might try that." " It's a good time." "Um, gentlemen, will you excuse me for just a moment?" "My bladder's not what it used to be." "Will you at least play along, asshole?" "I'm doing you a fucking favor here, man." " You know that?" " I am playing along." "You heard me say I might try fishing." "I hate fish." "It tastes like fish!" "Don't fuck this up!" "This guy owns this town, you know that?" "God damn, last time they tried to arrest him, he ended up selling a bunch of raffle tickets to his grandkid's baseball game." "You haven't even seen him on a good day." "He's got some health issues and shit now." "I have your bar tab, if you'll come with me." " Come on." " How much?" "Jesus, you people always wanna know how much." "Think you can put a price on freedom." " Johnny, do the honors." " OK." "Hey, who's gonna do the hacking?" "Nobody, unless he pays for it." "Now stand over there, in front of the blue backdrop." "I can take care of it if you want me to." "Take care of what?" "Mr. Spunkmeyer can have an excellent fake ID, but if his prints still say "Mr. Miller", somewhere down the road, he will step knee deep in shit." "So Laura, how old are you?" " I'm 18." " 18, huh?" "Are you sure you're 18?" "Because we can't let you on the site unless you are." " I'm 18." " Alright." "Cool." "You guys want me to make her 21?" "Now there's a good idea." "Hey, listen, Laura, um, we're sure you're 18, but, um, while you're here, you might as well get yourself a fake ID for when you go back home." "My man, Johnny here, can fix you up with the right people." "And when you get that ID and bring it back here we're gonna photocopy it for our records." " Is that cool?" " Alright, cool." "This is so uncool." "I'm going for a walk." "So, how much can I make?" " Johnny?" " Oh, well..." "That actually depends." "That is where the money is, I mean everyone can use a little extra cash, right?" "Where's that shot?" "As a courtesy among thieves, you'll leave here with a fake ID that'll work in any liquor store you happen upon." "Peace of mind in a worst-case scenario." "Though that is always the most expensive option." "What say, Mr. Spunkmeyer?" "Ten grand." "Ten grand?" "I don't have ten grand." "Hey, Johnny tells me you're having a little financial difficulty." "There's no secrets in this bar, dude." "Hey, we have to look out for one another, don't we?" ""We ain't a we", as a friend of mine was want to say." "Some friend." "Now I understand you're having some trouble getting into your bank account." "Is that right?" "Yeah." "It'll clear up." "As a matter of fact, let me use your phone, I'll call them right now." "No." "Not from my phone, you won't." "They'll trace you." "Come on, Ray, that's a little thick." "Hush up, Johnny boy." "Somebody new wants to do business, I make it a point to do some research." "You are in a serious bind, young man." "I know of at least one Senator and one family that are looking for you." "And I'd say by the time they're done, if you're still alive, you're looking at two murders, money laundering, and mail fraud." " What?" " Hey, you're safe for now." "The word I get is that the situation is about to get much bigger than you." "So I imagine if you go underground, not too many people are going to be interested in digging you up." "But you have to give them the opportunity to say that Mark Miller never existed." "All people want is an easy way to live with their lies." " You couldn't know all this shit." " It's my business to know." "By noon tomorrow, I can have you a valid Missouri license, plates, insurance, a job history, a resume." "And in a month or two, I can forward to the address of your choice, a gas and electric bill from an address here, in beautiful Kansas City." "Oh, and a Sears card." "You ever shop at Sears?" "Pshh." "The answer's no." "Sears?" "No." "The Social Security card takes a little longer, but that is included in the peace of mind." "I already have your birth certificate and some newspaper clippings of the car wreck you supposedly died in." "Car wreck?" "Eric Spunkmeyer and his family died in a car wreck in Boise a number of years ago." "But the new reporter was obviously mistaken." "So, your parents died, but you did not." "Imagine the shock in her face when it was discovered you were actually in a coma at County Hospital." "Fuck." "Spunkmeyer?" "Did you have to choose Spunkmeyer?" "Do I look Jewish to you?" " You could be adopted." " I am adopted." " Yeah, see?" " Hey, we don't choose them." "They choose us." "This is an old trick, but I have perfected it." "What do you want?" "How would you like to sell me your account for some cash to get by on?" "What do you mean, sell you my account?" "One aspect of this transaction is that I will now own the identity of Mark Miller." "Since I know I'm not going to be able to sell it in good conscience" "I need to try to recoup my losses." "I already have your Social Security number," "Bank of America account numbers, mother's maiden name, street address." "But I'll need all your pins and passwords." "You already have my s...?" "No way, Raymond." "That's a hell of a lot of money." "But you can't get to it, so that money might as well not exist." "Then how the hell are you gonna get to it?" "I'm not saying I can!" "I'm a gambling man." "I have time and I like to gamble." "But you don't have much time and you're in no place to gamble." "How much longer will you be in town?" "Tomorrow, maybe the day after." "Sleep on it tonight." "Let me know in the morning." "Fuck!" "How long were we in there?" "Yeah, he's a talker." "You're pretty well fucked, dude." "And he's the best there is." "So come on, Eric." "Good evening, ma'am, my name is Eric Spunkmeyer." "Have you ever considered a career in the adult films industry?" "I was born just four hours shy of April Fools Day and my mother was Janice, my father was Samuel." "And the funny, no... the eerie thing is the papers said all three of us died." "But the reporter got it wrong." "Crazy, huh?" "Fuck." "This is never gonna work." "About to upload some stuff, man." "You'll be good to go at the start of business tomorrow, if you take it." "What would you do?" "Like he said, freedom is more important than money." "Money buys freedom." "Only until you lose it." "I figured the only thing that was holding me back was me." "So I left." "I skipped out." "And I tried to be someone else." "Someone who could change into sexy clothes and... and not be so stuck in my own head." "I'm a failure." "God." "Just shoot me." "Good night." "I have a long story to tell you about this girl I used to know." "But I want to tell you that in person." "Here's what you need to know right now." "Try the Hitachi magic wand." "I've seen it work a million times, but you have to start it on the lowest speed." "If you go for too much too soon, you'll lose it." "That's part of your problem." "You want it too much." "Then just relax and focus on your breathing." "Just feel yourself breathing." "And try to tune out everything else." "Mark, hey uh, did you hear what happened to Sarah?" "No, what?" "You know how she hasn't been here in a few weeks, right?" "I hadn't noticed." "Dude, she tried to kill herself." " Shut up." " I'm not lying, it's true!" "Look, my mom got a call from James Manfred's mom last night." "She told him not to be all upset about it and stuff like that." " Is she, is she alright?" " Yeah, I guess so." "I mean, they got to the hospital in time." "How'd she do it?" "She cut her wrist." "Dude, did you guys hear about Sarah?" " She cut her wrist." " Yeah." "And I guess she's transferring over to Northside Tech." "It's weird, I just saw her over at her locker and she's like packing up, but everybody's ignoring her." "I guess her parents think she did it cause she's unhappy here." "Maybe if she wasn't such a stuck-up cunt." " Hi." " Hi..." "Mark?" "Yeah, hi." "I heard about everything." "And I just wanted to say that I'm sorry about everything and that you're going to another school and everything." "Well, this isn't a very good school." "I, um, I always thought you were really pretty." "God, why doesn't everyone just leave me alone?" "I'm sorry, I'm pretty, but that doesn't give every boy in school the right to come talk to me." "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." "It isn't like that." "I know you never thought twice about me, but I'm honest and you could have trusted me." "Sarah, is everything alright?" "Everything's cool." "We're just talking." "Everything is fine, Jay." "Everything doesn't look fine." "What's the problem, faggot?" "Why don't you just leave?" "Why don't I just kick your faggot ass?" "Stop it!" "Well, I made it!" "And it looks like I have about one shot left." "Thanks to the advice of a kindly stalker," "I'm gonna try to get to a truck stop and pick up a Hitachi Magic Wand." "So, do truckers use these on themselves?" "Or are they hoping to pick up a female hitchhiker who might masturbate for them, provided they have the requisite equipment on board?" "But then there are those places where the wires cross." "Where people come to get married and start their lives and consummate their love." "But also where the desperate come for one last chance." "To lose it all before they finally pull the trigger on a wasted life." "One year this place lead the country in both marriages and suicides." "So I had to get closer." "I mean that's where it all converges inside of me." "Thanks to two pervs I met along the way," "I have the tools I need for either the little or the big." "MX suggests that I try to ignore everything else and just focus on my breathing, so I have to shut you out for a little bit." "But I'll be back for at least one more blog." "Just to let you know how it went." "But here's something that no one ever says." "It's fleeting." "You can't hold on to anything." "Not sex, not money, not power, not even memories." "Should have gone already." "My employer said he is sorry things couldn't work out." "Not as sorry as he's gonna be." "But if you come, we have to go to Mexico, because we're both in big trouble." "Mark?" "Sorry, I'm late, I got... well, it doesn't matter, or it won't soon." "This is the biggest bet I've ever made." "But we're in Vegas." "This is where it all comes together, right?" "I expected you to be a little older." "Still, I'm not disappointed." "There." "I got enough gear to get into Mexico, so this might be the end of the line." "Keep watching." "OK." "I'm ready." "I have a small confession to make." " Uh, I'm not..." " I know exactly who you are BX." "And I knew you'd come." "You or somebody like you." "You toyed with me." "You dismissed me!" "And you hurt me!" "Now every woman in the world is gonna see what..." "What are you doing?" "This isn't what..." "I killed for you." "I killed for you." "You didn't kill for me!" "You killed me!" "I had a plan." "And it might have been a bad plan." "But you might be the only thing that's keeping me from being OK." "I didn't ask to be this way." "I didn't either." "Who has to die today?" "You?" "Me?" "Or the whole world?" " Which is it?" " No!" "No, no, no, look." "It doesn't have to be this way, OK?" "Look, all those guys in your chat room, they just want to fuck you!" "But I love you." "I mean don't, don't you get that?" "This is where it all comes together." "Not some place on a map, but in our minds, in our hearts." "So could you please just put down the..."