"The trouble with humor is that people think you must be joking" "Today, "Tales of the Swedish Countryside"   takes us to the swirling rivers of the province of Dalecarlia." "Where able-bodied men float lumber, the gold of the woods." "This is a job for real men!" "GRANHEDSGÅRDEN Authorized Therapeutic Facility" "28, 29, 30 31, 32, 33, 34 and swallow." " Good morning, Mr Dahlgren." " Good morning." " How was your bowel movement?" " It was nice and firm." " Have you slept well, Gudrun?" " No, I have a terrible headache." "Those are withdrawal symptoms due to a lack of coffee." "Don't forget our meeting." "There are only two guests this week, and you know what that means." "Either we go bankrupt, or we'll have to go with the times." "We also need a new name." "Something with a modern ring to it." "Well, the name was good enough for Dad." "We must be doing something wrong, we don't have enough guests." ""The New Granhedsgården"?" "Kulla- gården changed its name like that." "THE HEALTH FARM" "This movie is based on countless eye-popping headlines" "SOMEWHERE IN SCOTLAND" " Bye." " Bye." "He's here five times a day, he must have bulimia." " I bet it's for his grandchildren." " I hope so, for his sake." "DIET BREAKTHROUGH Arne, 57, lost 50 kilos" "Hi!" "I'm Rebecka Melin." "I'm Stig Helmer Olsson." " Are you throwing a kiddy party?" " No, not exactly..." "Okay..." "See you around." "An "authorized witch"?" "We have an appointment with Ole Bramserud." "Hi there!" " My solicitor, Claes Palmstierna." " Hello, I'm Ole Bramserud." " How's the golf game?" " I just don't have the time anymore." "Picture two professional musicians dressed in chicken suits." "I'll sing the jingle and Niklas will show you the storyboard." ""Thou free-ranging chicken thou star of the north"" ""Thou tender, thou tasty and delightful"" "Then a voice-over says: "Grace your table with a Svea Broiler"." "Followed by the logo:" "Svea Broiler, the Swedish speciality." " How do you get blue chickens?" " In the computer." "Everything's digital." "We'll pan in and out, and add landscaping   and more chickens, if necessary." "That sounds expensive." "We're talking about an additional 300,000 to 400,000." "For extra editing procedures." "Can we really afford an ad campaign for three million kronor?" " Bold moves for desperate times." " I hope you know what you're doing." "Were they in mourning?" "They wore black." "No, that's the way admen dress nowadays." "The Tokyo market was up three percent." "While Frankfurt was down 2,3 %." " Here's your laundry." " Hello, Ma." "What are we going to do with you, Stig Helmer?" "You can't stay glued to the TV like some kind of couch potato." "Just look at you, you used to be so slim." "You should join "The Poundhunters"." "Elsa lost 15 kilos, you know." "Your fingers are all yellow, have you started smoking?" " That's from the snacks." " All that junk..." "The Stockholm market took a dive today..." "Why are you watching this?" "The remote control is broken." "I'll do the vacuuming next week, but please pick the place up a bit." "She wasn't really right for you." "Bye, take care." "Hi!" "Could you possibly give me a hand?" " I'd like to rearrange some stuff." " Sure." " Do you have a cat?" " A cat?" "No..." "I thought I heard a cat in distress." "Maybe the sound came from upstairs." "I don't think it's right to keep cats in town." " This is how I live." " It's nice." " What's that?" " Whales." "I like to meditate to their songs." "Hear the heartbeat..." "It's the sound you heard in the womb." "Please give me a hand with the bed." "There's some negative energy over here." "Have you heard of Feng Shui?" "It's about fields of energy, ley lines." "Help pull the bed over here a bit." "That's fine." "No, it doesn't feel right." "There's too much Sha Qi from that corner..." "East..." "No, it's in conflict with my kuan number." "Let's have another go at it." "Pull it towards you." "Be careful, now." "This feels good..." "It'll work if I put a bagua in the corner." "What's your sign?" "No, don't tell me..." "You're a Taurus, aren't you?" "You move like a Taurus." " What date?" " May 5th." "The fifth day of the fifth month, what a surprise!" "That means you're a romantic that likes to be in the spotlight." "I don't know about that..." "Thanks, please accept a photograph of your aura." "Put your hand right there." "I'm going to take a picture of your aura, your magnetic field." "Say cheese!" "I was only kidding." "That's weird, you hardly have an aura at all." "Your chakras appear to be out of harmony." "Your sahasra seems to be blocked." "Your crown chakra..." "And you blinked." " Are you sad about something?" " I'm not exactly happy..." " You should consider therapy." " I don't know about that..." "Think about it." "I could be your coach." "I could be your personal guidance counselor." "THE POUNDHUNTERS 71 kilos." "Wow, you've lost 8 kilos!" "That's fantastic!" "Could you tell us your secret?" "My mother's been visiting for two weeks now, and she thinks I'm fat   so she nags me a lot, and I clean house to blow off steam." "I guess cleaning is good exercise." "Camilla." "77 kilos." "You've gained two kilos." "Invite your mother to stay!" " How was it?" " Embarassing." "Everyone seems to lose weight but me." "It's expensive too - 4,000 kronor!" "For that you get weighed in public every two weeks   and you get a skimpy booklet of diet tips." "For 2,000 you can weigh yourself alone at my place." "I'm going to quit "The Poundhunters" and start dieting for real." " 70 kilos?" " It must be a slow news day." "Some ley lines..." "A pinch of Sha Qi and some negative energy..." "Some Feng Shui..." "A splash of therapy..." "And the singing of the whales..." "Hello, I brought you something to cheer you up." "Here, it's the very latest thing." "You punch in the numbers here." "Height: 1.9 meters." "Sex: male, right?" " Just step right up." " On that thing?" "Your weight is 102 kilos, your body mass index is 28." "Recommended dietary intake 6-7 megajoules if sendentary." "10 megajoules if active." "Have a nice day." "Great, isn't it?" "And if it doesn't behave itself, just remove the batteries." "Found yourself a job yet?" " No, I'm too old..." " Too old?" "Don't give up!" "Like I've always said, life is full of possibilities." "You're a man in the prime of life." "You're just a trifle too pregnant, that's all." "Is this what you had in mind?" "I had pictured something a bit more humoristic." "Oh..." "What should we try then?" "How about this?" "Not bad..." " Do you have chicken suits?" "Yes, this way." "Would you prefer the kind with an eggshell hat?" " They're very popular." " No, thank you." " Cowls or just beaks?" " Cowls, please." "How about accessories?" "Like an egg basket that squeaks?" "Or an inflatable cock's comb?" " Hi there, Ole." " Hi there, Stig Helmer." " I hope these will do." " They're great." "Perfect..." "Okay, you guys, put the costumes on." "Phat!" "Your jacket's phat." "Is it vintage?" "You know - old." " I bought it in 1970." " It's so happening." "Take a look." "We did a spread for Wallpaper yesterday." "You've always been a happening guy." ""Thou free-ranging chicken, thou star of the north"" "Cut!" "You're standing too close together." " "Svea Broiler", take 11." " Playback." " The mike is showing." " Take 37." ""One hen per 10 square meters."" "We're finished." "Damned European Union..." "Pretty soon every chicken will be entitled to its own bathroom." "The Danes have dumped the price of broilers." "No..." "This won't do..." "We're history." "Andwe just bought two tons of chicken feed, too." "Maybe we should accept that ridiculous Danish bid." " Or go into receivership." " Go bust?" "I'd rather go to hell." "I've got to cancel our commercial with that Norwegian guy." "What insurance do we have?" "Full coverage." " Why do you ask?" " In case something should happen." "It's nice to get away from the rat race, isn't it?" "Hi, Roger." "Go ahead and torture me." " You're late." "Are you very busy?" " Yeah, with a tricky commercial." "Let's get started on our regular program." "Good work, Ole." "Slow down on your way back and bend your elbows." " Like this?" " Perfect." "Sorry about that, it's my cell phone." "Bramserud Advertising." "What?" "You don't..." "All right." "Okay..." "Well, no more tricky commercial..." "Damn!" " What is it?" " My arm is going numb." "That's not good." "My friend's a cardiologist." " What's that?" " A heart specialist." " I'm Ole Bramserud." " I'm Nurse Kristian." "You'll find Doctor Westerberg over there." " Ole Bramserud." " Karin Westerberg." "You're not Swedish, are you?" "Your situation isn't serious." "But you are burning yourself out." " That's trendy." " You're no longer in your 20s." "Slow down a bit, both with regard to work and work-outs." "Take walks instead, take a week off and pamper yourself." "I won't need a walker?" " I've fried you a chicken." " Don't mention the creatures!" "The broiler factory's giving us trouble." "I'm sorry to hear that." " What's that?" " I'm dieting." "What is it this time, the pineapple diet?" "The stewardess method?" "Your phone calls last longer than your diets!" "That stuff smells like our chicken feed." "How much do they charge for it?" "590 kronor." "Do you know how much it costs to manufacture it?" "2 or 3 kronor, tops!" "590 kronor..." "For accurate readings, both feet must be placed on scales." "Body mass index 14." "You have lost 49 kilos." "Congratulations." "You weigh 142 kilos." "Your body mass index, body mass index..." "Hands up!" "What are you doing?" " Why are you waving a golf club?" " I thought you were a burglar." "Someone broke into the Lundin's place last week." "Aren't you supposed to eat regularly?" "And shouldn't you avoid drinking concentrated sauces?" "That stuff's supposed to be diluted." "Bruno, what should I do?" "I can't handle this any more." "Go somewhere, try a week at a spa." "Either that, or we'll just have to buy a fridge with a time lock." "Good night." "Lift your feet up." "Therapy?" "Well, I never!" "Throwing out good money on therapy when you're unemployed." "No one in our family has ever done anything like that." "A rest home!" " It's a spa, Ma." " What's the difference?" "I bet that Norwegian friend of yours is behind this." "Oh no..." "The vacuum cleaner's clogged with cheese oodles again." "They're called "Cheese Doodles", Ma." "I'll be back at three." " What should I do with these?" " Send them back to Anderhage." "Don't even mention the word 'chicken' in the future." "I won't, Boss." "That feels better." " Are you going to the New Age Fair?" " I'll be working at Granhedsgården." " Peeling carrots?" " No, they're making the place over." "They're offering a specialty week called "The Whole Person"." " How much do I owe you?" " 625 plus tax." " Do you accept credit cards?" " Of course." " Do you like your new place?" " The vibes are good." " How are the neighbors?" " One's coming along to the spa." " Someone sorely in need of therapy." " Is she?" " Is he?" " He's a bulimic mommy's boy." " The silent type." " Out of touch with his feelings." "I'm going to coach him." "It's going to be challenging." "It's my pleasure to welcome Dr Levander." "I'm sure you're familiar with his TV shows and books   like "Eating the Right Way" or "I Can Fly"." "They'll be on sale at the desk." " Please go ahead." " Thank you, Ulla." "Right now, the trend in holistic medicine is specialty weeks." "The idea is to offer package deals to massage the soul." "Modern people want more than just a plate full of raw vegetables." "That is why I made this list   of activities that should be available at a modern spa." "The first heading is Stress Management   with activities such as Basic Yoga, Tai Chi, Qi Gong " " Circulation Massage, Rebirthing, Rosen Therapy " " Shiatsu Therapy and Sacred Dancing." "The next heading is Fitness." "This includes Aerobics, Step-up, Spinning " " Aqua Aerobics, Mantric Jogging, Mud packs and Aromatherapy." "A new feature is underwater speakers   that play the song of the dolphins." "The final heading is Experiences:" "Cosmology and Mentalism " " Heart-walks, Walking on hot coals and Survival courses." "Another new feature is that guests may bring their pets along   to meet a dietician or a psychologist." "The canine jacuzzi is very popular." "Last, but not least, we come to the menu." "Our target group expects something fancier than grated carrots." "We get it." " Any questions?" " Ping-pong yoga..." " Quiet, Nisse!" " That's Qi Gong." "Their special package deal is called "The Whole Person"." "But you want to return half as big, right?" " Should we give it a try, you think?" " Yes, you need to diet." "And I need to take it easy." "One week, including meals:" "5,000 kronor." "One week, excluding meals:" "7,000 kronor." "I don't mean to offend you, but why don't you go for the fast?" " Aren't you going to fast?" " Nope, doctor's orders." "I need to consume more fat." "I have some kind of scurvy in reverse." "The next time I see my dietician, I'll slug him with a pork loin." "But now it's time for dessert." "It may be the last one we ever see." " What are you doing?" " Scraping my tongue." "It's supposed to make your breath sweeter, in case you ever get kissed." " You fall for everything." " I read about it in a magazine." " I bought you this." " What is it?" " A potency patch?" " It enhances potency." "Where do they go, over your eyes?" " That wasn't very nice!" " Take a look at yourself." "Exciting, huh?" "By the way, I did your horoscope." "Don't make any crucial business decisions this month." "What a load of crap!" "Are we living in the dark ages?" "Lots of major companies consult astrologers before making decisions." " Suit yourself." "Good-night." " Kissy, kissy!" "Let's slow down a bit." "And then pick up the tempo." "And slow down again." "Changing pace like this in intervals   improves your stamina and helps burn more fat." "We do have a regular bike, and the area is very scenic." "I thought we weren't going to discuss this any more." "By the way, Claes and I are going to fly over to the broiler factory." " Will you be home for dinner?" " I'll let you know." "Don't pull anything, like you did with that rowing machine." "You know I don't like flying." "You should see somebody, try Dr Levander." "Flying's safer than driving, and I need to rack up mileage." "I have something to show you." "I have a brilliant idea." "This is my idea." "Did you drag me all the way over here to show me chicken feed?" "You're looking at five million kronor." " What do you mean?" " I'll tell you." "Swedes are getting fat from stuffing their faces with potato chips." "That's when it hit me..." " Diet chips." " Diet chips?" "People can eat all the chips they want, without the guilt." "What are these chips made out of?" "The two tons of chicken feed left over from our broiler factory." "The factory we're going to unload." "Each bag costs 75 kronor, and that amounts to a profit of 9, 925 kronor per bag." " How do we get people to eat it?" " People eat anything." "We threw a party when I was in college." "We served bowls of "Doggy Delight" and people gobbled it up." " "Doggy Delight"?" " Dog food, the dried variety." "It's nothing but a scam, that's illegal." "No, it isn't." "I had the crap Camilla bought analyzed, and it's the same stuff." "It consists of the by-products of fish and some minerals and vitamins." "It's absolutely brilliant, isn't it?" "Welcome to the health-food business!" "What will people think about this hocus-pocus?" "And dragging city-folks into the wild for survival training?" "!" "I don't think so, Ulla." "It stinks!" "Just look here." "Our new ad   has booked us solid for four weeks." "Let people talk!" "You take care of the kitchen and I'll take care of the rest." "Well, what if Dad had lived to see this?" "Well, Dad..." "I hope they serve linseeds and bran in heaven." " Give my best to Camilla." " Inger..." "Do you think you could persuade Camilla to go to a fat farm?" " She's desperate." " I'll give her a call." "The chips ought to contain something Japanese, like seaweed." "And a fat blocker, too." "It's all the rage." "Focus your energy on the factory, before it ruins us." "Never fear!" "Don't shed a tear, my dear for my sake..." " Here." "It's almost time." " What the hell...?" "I thought this was settled, it will give us publicity." "The two top local papers will both be there!" " Don't be such a stick in the mud." " Stop it!" "This display of initiative by Ulla Lundgren   has created jobs and put our town on the map  the true spirit of enterprise that our region needs." "The Gustav Vasa Spa is now open to the public." "Let's go for some patterning." "Stick your index finger into the first hole in the dial." "Take a deep breath   and declare your affirmation out loud: "I'm safe in the air"." ""I'm safe in the air."" "Move your finger to the next hole   and repeat the affirmation." ""I'm safe in the air."" "Do this twice a day, preferably in conjunction with meditation." "Meditation?" "I'm not into spacey stuff like that." "Just find a quiet moment." " How's business?" " We're having some ups and downs." "We got stuck with a broiler factory that isn't going well at all." "But now we're in the health-food business." " What about you?" " I can't complain." "There are phobics, hypochondriacs and people obsessed with their looks." "There's no shortage of people in trouble." "Bruno and I would like to discuss collaborating with you." "Guess what?" "I bought a pair of rubber pants." " Are you going to take up diving?" " No, it's to combat cellulite." " What does Bruno think about that?" " We don't share a bed any more." " He says that I snore." " That you snore?" "Men!" " I'm glad you're going to the spa." " It's going to be interesting." "But in my opinion, Bruno and Claes should be the ones to go." " Overweight men are time bombs." " Don't say that!" "Bruno says the only exercise he gets   is being a pallbearer at funerals for his fitness-freak friends." "He doesn't want to be in good shape when he dies." "Well?" ""Slim Quick"..." " Who developed it?" " Experts." " Has it been tested?" " Yes." "It's been tested extensively on animals." "Diet chips..." "It sounds interesting..." "VEGANS IN CHICKEN SUITS RAID MEAT TRANSPORT VAN" "Amazing..." "Some militant vegans have attacked another meat shipment." "According to witnesses, they were dressed in chicken suits." "You're lucky nothing like that has happened to you." "Chickens!" " What about your vitamins?" " I'll take them later." "Have a nice time at the Gustav Vasa Spa." "Give my best to Inger." "I would have taken you there in my plane   but I've got a lot of stuff cooking." "That's right, chicken suits." "Just like our commercial." "Isn't that something?" "I'm on my way." "95% of Sweden must be woodlands." "You sure have a lot of gadgets." "A compass, a thermometer a gage for inclines and one for altitude, and a clock." "Air conditioning, a radio, a GPS navigation system..." "And according to its reading, we are close to Brännforsen." " Yes, I know." " How?" "I read the sign over there." "Signs are for cheaters, Stig Helmer." "The Gustav Vasa spa..." "Let the torture commence." "Hello, Stig Helmer." " Hi, I'm Rebecka." " I'm Ole." " Did you have a nice trip?" " I got a bit car-sick..." "It's probably psychosomatic." "We'll cure you." "See you later." "Therapy, you say?" "Lucky you." " I always overpack." " That's not excessive." "This is just my small suitcase." " What a beautiful place!" " Not to mention expensive." " We could have gone to Barbados." " He's a food smuggler." " How can you tell?" " I know the type." "Remember the guy who brought roast beef in his dressing case?" "Someone even stored pancakes in a container for face cream." "It's incredible!" "I'm Ulla, and I'd like to welcome you to the Gustav Vasa Spa." "We'll start by introducing the staff." "Anna teaches classes in Sacred Dance, Tai Chi and Qi Gong." "Rebecka is our Shihatsu therapist." "And Rainbow is our vegetarian chef." "Linda is our dietician, and composed the drink you have received." "And my brother Nils is a jack of all trades." "We have a few house rules." "This is a drug-free environment." "Toxic substances such as alcohol, nicotine and caffeine are off limits." "We promote life, not death." " Fasting gives you bad body odor." " Your body is cleansing itself." "For others, the increased intake of roughage may give you gas." "This is because your body is accustomed to eating dead animals." "This discomfort is reduced by daily colonic irrigation." "Purchase your own personal nozzle at the desk." "Write your name on it so it won't get lost." "Or stolen." "Back down onto the nozzle..." "And then you just turn on the hose." "One last thing, please turn off your cell phones." "It's pretty warm..." "It's nice." "Just so we get acquainted " " I'd like us to take each other by the hand and sing a song." "That's silly, it's not like this is kindergarden." "It's just a way of getting to know each other, Åke." "Rest in peace, dear calorie" "Soon you will be eaten" "Hidden deep inside of us" "Digested and forgotten" "It's like being able to print your own money." "I'm a genius." "We used to only serve grated, raw vegetables." " Rainbow has written a cookbook." " "Esoteric Cuisine"." "So Dad's book isn't good enough anymore?" "Did your dad write cookbooks too?" "The recipes are very orthodox." ""Gut Feeling"..." "Stocks in high-risk projects in the former East Bloc belong down the drain." "That's all for tonight, we'll be back in two weeks." "We'll be taking a critical look at diet aids   and how the obese are taken advantage of." "The "Diet King" will be featured." "He made millions selling useless pills to overweight Swedes." "Thanks..." "I should have put more pressure on that stock broker." "He's pretty slippery." "Diet chips..." "That guy has been irritating me for quite some time." "Find the manufacturer and analyze the ingredients." "I'm a bit sceptical about these kinds of places." " Are you a believer?" " A believer?" "Do you believe in crystal therapy and horoscopes?" "No, but it's fun to see what places like this are all about." "I came here to take it easy." "To rest." "My friend was going to stay here, so I decided to tag along." "What do you do when you're not keeping friends company?" "I own a small outfit..." "an advertising agency." ""Bramserud Advertising."" " Bramserud, that's me." " My name is Inger." "I'm considering retirement, though..." "Leaving the rat race, reading some of the books I've bought." "Maybe even take bracing walks." "My ex started taking ten kilometer walks when he turned 40." "And that was the last anyone ever saw of him." " Are you married?" " Not that I recall." "Possibly married to my work, but we're getting a divorce." " What about you?" " I'm unmarried...at the moment." "Good morning." "That looks yummy." "What is it?" "A decoction of broccoli." "The new Italian Cuisine, huh?" " What's this Key Gong stuff?" " It's Qi Gong." "It's a Chinese form of gymnastics, like karate in slow motion." "There was an emperor who outlawed martial arts   and somebody figured that they could do the same motions slowly." ""Off with your head!"" ""I'm gouging your eyes out."" "Karate for snails." "If you practise for years, you can use your hands and feet   to make incredibly bad movies." "Have you seen Rainbow?" "I think he went that way." "I think he's in the vegetable garden." "We live in a universal force field." " It can be measured with a SQUID." " A squid?" "A super-conducting quantum interference device." "Your aura is a force field and, as such, attracts energy." "At times, we need to recharge our batteries." "Hugging a tree will do the trick." "Trees willingly share their energy with us." "If you feel embarrased, stand with your back to the tree." " How exciting!" " In your mind, greet the tree." "Picture yourself inside the tree." " Feel its roots." " What the hell...?" "Feel how the tree gets energy from the sun." "No way..." "Tree hugging!" "Well, it's better than nothing." "It's actually kind of nice." "Give me a hug, Stig Helmer!" "Hug me!" "Let's have our first therapy session this afternoon." " Don't wear heavy clothing." " I won't." "Oh, Ole and I were going to take a Hungarian mud bath." "Then we'll have our session after that." "Don't forget to take a shower after the mud bath." " There you go." " Thanks." "You have dandruff." "I'll prepare a conditioner with lavender and eucalyptus." "I'll also stimulate the acupressure points on the scalp   which counteracts baldness in the future." "Slices of biodynamic cucumber   flush out toxins and remove wrinkles." "There we go." "Relax completely." "I'm going to leave you for awhile." "Make the most out of this session and exercise your pelvic floor." "Okay, Boss." "I feel like a sandwich." "Rebecka's pretty cute for a witch." "She looks more like an imp." "Tell me about your childhood." " What was your father like?" " Like most other dads." "But that isn't quite true, he was..." " He had a handicap." " In what way?" "He only had one arm." "He and his brother had a band together:" ""The Olsson Brothers Dixie Jazz Band"." "Henry played the saxophone and my dad was the drummer." " Even though he only had one arm?" " It worked pretty well." " But he couldn't do drum rolls." " That's understandable." "He invented a gadget." "You're repressed." "Your body stores these conflicts and makes you tense." "Unexpressed grief and anger turn into a muscular coat of armor." "You really need to release some of that aggression." "Just lay down, like that." "And lift your arms up like this." "What's this?" "I want you to try to push me away." "I'll hold on tight and I want you to push me away." "Here we go..." "Come on." " No..." " Come on, give it a go." "There's some broccoli stuck in your mustache." " Come on!" " Stop it!" "Say you're a wimp!" "Come on, say you're a wimp!" "Look, Stig Helmer's getting licked by a girl!" "You're the wimp!" "What's that?" "Nothing, I guess..." " That felt good." " Good." "The energy is good." "There's a lot of aggression bottled up inside you." "You're an unusual man, Stig Helmer." "You're an only child, aren't you?" "Did you play ball with the kids in the neighborhood?" "Yes, but I wasn't very good." "If you're going to be a goalpost, you can't move around." " How does it feel to fast?" " I feel a bit dizzy." "That's because of the toxins that are being eliminated." "I bet you ate a lot of junk food." "Hot dogs, and stuff like that." "Last night I had the strangest dream." "I'm Ole, the king-sized hot dog!" "Eat me if you dare!" "I'm so wonderfully greasy..." "Eat me!" "You shouldn't eat anything that has eyes and can bear young." "I never thought of it that way." " You're a vegetarian then?" " No, a fruitarian." " Fruitarian?" " I only eat fruit." "The richest food I eat is bananas." "But I don't eat bananas either, for other reasons." "You know, because of United Fruit and pesticides." " It's so beautiful here..." " It is." "Evenings like this make me long to be back in Norrland." " What city are you from up north?" " Härnösand." "Those aqua gymnastics wore me out." "Are you going to iron?" "What a busy bee!" " What's that?" " Wait and see." "Presto - espresso!" "Great!" "I was dying for some coffee." "Right, enough is enough." "That Norwegian guy seems very nice." "What, are you dumping the survival course instructor unseen?" "I don't know..." " Bruno's on the phone all the time." " He and Claes are up to something." "Did you know that the Yanks spend 30 times more a year on dieting   than the UN spends on fighting starvation." "How's our project going?" "Brilliantly!" "30,000 packages." "Have you given any thought to my radical solution for the factory?" "Yes." "In my opinion, you're short on morals and long on imagination." " What of it?" " It's against the law!" "You have to help, you're in as deep as me." "Wimp!" " Yes." " Could you go pick the guru up?" "He's arriving on the two o'clock train." " What does he look like?" " Oriental, I suppose." "Right, six feet tall and blond." "What do I know?" "Make a sign and hold it up." " I wonder if it's ball-room dancing?" " Hardly." "Do you like to dance?" "I was the Fred Astaire of Oslo some 15 to 20 kilos ago." " Do you?" " Yes, if I get to pick my partner." "I don't like it when strange men fondle me like it was their right." "But I can always make an exception..." "This is going to be interesting." "Ginger Rogers must have been a better dancer than Astaire." "She did the same moves, only backwards and in high-heels." "Why did you come along if you're going to be so negative?" "Because we paid a hell of a lot for this week." "And you suggested it." "Good morning." "We'll start out with breathing exercises." "Place one hand on your stomach, and the other on you back." "Take a deep breath   all the way down to your pelvic floor." "Envision a string running all the way through your body   and passing out through the top of your head off into the cosmos." "You're suspended on the string, and you twirl upwards to the heavens." "Take a breath..." "Relax your arms and let them dangle." "The first phase is the flow." "Each movement is followed by a new movement." "It's like Tai Chi, an eternal loop." "It goes on and on..." "Take a breath." "The next phase is chaos." "Let your feelings out." " Father no speak Swedish." " Is he a yoga teacher?" "We have come to pick berries." "Gustav Vasa?" "This guy thinks I'm the old king Gustav Vasa." "Excuse me..." " Viswanathan Raj?" " Gustav Vasa?" "Right, Gustav Vasa." "Don't close your eyes to the invisible." "He who looks outside is dreaming." "He who looks inside awakens." "Oh, my..." " I've never seen anything like it." " Like what?" "Something's happened to you, Stig Helmer." "Your crown chakra is demonstrating great cosmic energy." "A red aura signifies the seventh sense of change and psychic power." "You're heading in a new direction." "And you blinked..." " Would you like mine?" " No, thank you." "What goal did you have this week?" "I hoped to get rid of this..." "I weighed myself this morning." " I've gained 20 grams." " Really?" "I must be the only person on Earth who gains weight on a fast." "Are you going to do the survival course?" " I wonder what it involves." " Yeah!" "I feel like a new human being, not a chicken in days." " Did you eat too much chicken?" " It's a long story." " I'm really dreading this." " It's only for a few days." "It's interesting." "I've done it a few times." " You face the real you." " I hope she's skinny." ""Praeparatus supervivat", or "The prepared will survive"." "We'll spend a couple of days in the wilderness." "And your only tool will be a knife." "Please empty your pockets and place your belongings in the bag." "Camilla!" " Here's a knife." " Thank you." "Your knife." "Anything else?" "What is that?" "A GPS navigator." " For satellite positioning." " Take a knife." " May I take two?" " No." "We're going to have an easy run on the river in a kajak." "I suggest that you pair off." "Keep your kajak on course and paddle where the water is most swift." "That's where it's the deepest." "Okay, men." "You get to head the expedition." " Let's launch the next bunch." " Move it, Jan." "Good luck!" " It looks pretty unsteady." " Try to paddle in time." " Grab the oars, Åke." " Take it easy." "This is a message from Svensk Hydro." "The power plant at Storforsen will open its floodgates at 1 pm." "This presents a danger to anyone on the river." "Oh, my God!" "Here you go." "Hello..." "What?" "!" "What are the names of the guys paddling off in the distance?" "Stig Helmer and Ole, come back here!" " What's going on?" " The floodgates are open." "Wait here, I'll go to the rapids." " There seems to be a lot of water." " Don't break the rhythm!" "Hold on, Stig Helmer!" "No, there's not a trace of them." "They've probably gotten further downstream." ""An easy run", sure!" "I'm never going to do this again." "Have the rest of the gang backed out?" "That leaves the two of us, then." "Talk about a survival course!" " What's the challenging run like?" " You don't get a paddle." "A big steak with french fries wouldn't hurt right now." "But not for you, you're fasting." "I'm sorry..." "They'll find us soon." "They have heat-detecting cameras." "Look!" "Lingonberries." "No, these are bearberries." "Arctostaphylos." "This is edible, it's a fern." "Polypodium." " Where did you learn all this?" " I was a Boy Scout." ""The Beaver Patrol"." " Are you all right?" " I'm fine." "All that's missing is the cucumber..." "We need to dry our clothes." "Did you happen to learn about making fire?" "The glass lenses of our wristwatches, sandwiched with some water   will make a magnifying glass." "Then all we need is to gather some shelf fungi." "Fomes fomentarius." "Do you know the Latin names of all kinds of plants?" "Just the ones we needed to learn to earn the "Woodcraft Badge"." "The police just called." "They couldn't see them from the helicopter." "If you say "I told you so", I'll throttle you!" "The kajak was found at Brännforsen." "That's 60 kilometers from here!" "Here..." " What's today's special?" " Shoots of pine." "Some sourgrass, chanterelle mushrooms and pine gum." " And all this is edible?" " The gum is like chewing gum." "It will help ward off hunger pains   while the shoots and sourgrass contain a lot of vitamin C." "You didn't happen to find a bottle of Chablis premier Cru 1982, too?" "What a day!" "Too bad it wasn't sunny, we'll have to try the lenses some other time." "I can tell that you enjoy the outdoors." "I liked going on hikes." "I liked going on trips with the Boy Scouts." "I used to play in the forest when I was a kid." "I haven't seen you this happy for a long time." "But I don't think it's all thanks to the forest." "I bet Rebecka has something to do with it, too." "She's a fun person, but she is a bit odd." "You suit each other." "You're a fun person, too, but you are a bit odd." "What a strange week this has been." "But they're out there somewhere..." "I think." "Isn't that typical?" "As soon as you meet a nice man, he disappears." " Body lotion?" " Not exactly, it's whiskey." "For emergencies." "Did you bring everything?" "The cans of spraypaint and stuff?" " Do we have to do this?" " Yes." "Put on your gloves." "Remember, you haven't seen a thing." "Look, they'll see us with the surveillance cameras." "That's the point." "That's why we're wearing the suits." " Put your nose on." " It's a beak." "Look!" "It's Big Bird!" "Well, they're not exactly minks." "We have to get them out before we blow the joint up." "But weren't we going to blow the car up?" "There's not much insurance on that old wreck." "Come on!" "Go spray some message on the truck, that's what they do." "What are you doing?" " I was gong to write "swine"." " It's a broiler transport!" "Write something like "murderers"." ""Smurderers..."" " What should we do with these?" " Stuff them in that bag for now." "Hold on, because it's going to blow!" "What a blast!" "I've been in the wrong business." "Talk about raising the roof!" "What are you fooling around with?" " What are you fooling around with?" " Nothing." "Stig Helmer, wake up!" "Listen..." "Maybe they're looking for us." "Wave!" "This is a good spot to dump the stuff." "This is a good spot to dump the stuff!" "Did you see that?" "It might be food." "That yellow stuff looks familiar." "Hunger is making me hallucinate." "Wake me up..." "Aren't these the suits I bought...?" "Somebody up there's pulling our leg." "Well, at least these are warm and dry." "Aren't you cold?" "Could it make any difference what you wear in a nightmare?" "Militant vegans blew up a broiler factory in Österåsen." "The police have no leads as yet." "That would be Bruno's factory!" "Two people appear to have died in the rapids." "Their kajak was found below the falls." "Over to the Sports Desk." "I know they're alive." "I can feel it!" "Blasted mosquitos!" "Maybe we should put on the hoods?" "Why not?" "This must be a dandy of a diet." " It would make business sense." " What?" "Bramserud  Olsson Botanical Expeditions Inc." " Should we try that way?" " No, let's go straight ahead." "Finally, traces of civilization." "The trouble is, which way should we go?" " Let's go south." " How would you know that?" "I checked out the anthill." "Anthills are always bigger to the south." "You are absolutely incredible, "Beaver"." "What a strange country." "There are no berries, just weird people." "Let's go home!" "Do you have any other bright ideas?" "Like going north?" "Look!" "It's those militant vegans." "Fire a warning shot and I'll call the police." " Are they shooting at us?" " I sure hope that's not a bird dog." "You've probably seen this man, Dr B. Levander   in situations where he can profit from our phobias and hypochondria." "Recently, he's made a foray into the diet industry   with the product "Slim Quick"." "Let's consult our panel." " Rune, you're a veterinarian." " What's do you think of the product?" " It's an excellent product..." "For chickens that need to gain weight." "In addition to fish by-products, our analysis revealed the presence   of the antibiotic coccidiostatika   which prevents parasites in chickens." "Thank you, Rune." ""Slim Quick" is manufactured by Bruno Anderhage   the owner of Svea Broiler." "We heartily recommend the product "Slim Quick"   to people who are chicken-hearted and birdbrained." "Down the drain it goes!" "Next time..." " I knew it..." " Hush!" "I don't want to hear a peep out of you." " Anderhage, here." " It's about your insurance." " Terrorist attacks aren't covered." " They're a "force majeure"." " So we're not covered." " In accordance with item 71." "Tell your CEO that we're going to appeal." " I am the CEO." " You are the CEO..." "Idiots!" "I'll be going now..." "to the police station." "To turn the two of us in." "It's just as well..." "And I hope I never have to see you again Bruno Asshole!" "What a wimp!" "This is the police speaking." "Lay face down on the ground with your arms over your heads." "Don't worry, Stig Helmer." "They probably just want to see some ID." " Come in." " They've been found!" " I knew it!" "How are they?" " Fine, I think." "They'll be here soon." "Here they come!" "Oh, here they come!" " What on earth are they wearing?" " Stockholmers!" "They think they're so superior." "I'm so glad you're alive." " But why are you dressed like that?" " I don't know." "You'll have to ask Ole, but I don't think he knows either." "We've been so worried." " Why are you in chicken suits?" " There's no sensible explanation." "Hello, darling." "Guess what?" "I'm going to quit dieting forever." "You have to learn to love the person you are, Visnawathan said." "He's a guru." "How have you been doing?" "Just dandy..." "Minus 22 kilos, and plus 73 hours of therapy later" "I take great pleasure in presenting   one of the most accomplished disciples of Visnawathan Raj." "Recently returned from a yoga center in Nepal" " Krishnamacharays!" "Give him a big hand!" "He was known previously as Stig Helmer Olsson." "He who looks outwards is dreaming." "He who looks inwards awakens." "Lift your feet, Krishnamacharays." "What's the Latin name for chickenberries?" "It's "Cornus Suecia"." "What about this chubby stonecrop, then?" "You don't know?" "It's called "Sedum"." "The herb of love, the livelong..." "What's its name in Latin?" "It's "Sedum telephium"." "Wake up, Stig Helmer..." "Wake up..." " Good morning." " Hi there." " You were talking in your sleep." " I had such a strange dream." "Good morning!" "BRAMSERUD  OLSSON BOTANICAL EXPEDITIONS INC" " What's the plan for today?" " We should hike to Blåfjället." "It's a great locality for Angelica Arcangelica, Mountain Angelica." " It'll take us a while..." " It sounds too challenging." "Don't worry..." "I'll coach you."