"**" "* you won't admit you love me * * and so * * how am i ever to know * * you always tell me * * perhaps, perhaps, perhaps * * perhaps * * perhaps *" "in the field of human relationships, what is the most frightening thing that can come through your door?" "a volkswagon." "i'm sorry?" "( knock on door )" "what is the single most depressing thing that can come through your letter box?" "i got one, too." "better come in." "it was years ago-- a volkswagon right through my front door." "what's a volkswagon got to do with relationships, exactly?" "my girlfriend-- she was driving it." "right into my living room!" "coulda killed someone." "she all right?" "she was furious!" "i was upstairs." "so, i'm just guessing there was an element of tension in this relationship." "well, she had a big problem with jealousy, and her mother kept on sort of flirting with me." "her mother?" "so it was her mother's fault, then?" "exactly, yeah." "in fairness to her mother, if it hadn't been for her, i wouldn't have been upstairs." "so what came through your door, then?" "susan: koreans!" "what?" "we've got these koreans looking 'round the office today." "it's really important, and i forgot." "bollocks, bollocks, bollocks!" "you know what it's like one year into a relationship." "no." "No." "well, try and imagine, then." "one year into a relationship, what would be the most frightening thing that could land on your doormat?" "noakes and ellen." "good old noakes and ellen." "i'm pleased for them." "yeah, so am i." "I'm pleased, too." "really pleased." "Genuinely." "for her." "For both of them." "yeah." "Absolutely." "Pleased." "pleased, pleased, pleased." "( sighs ) she's younger than us, isn't she?" "it wasn't, strictly speaking, her turn, no." "god bless her." "She's gone and bagged one." "little queue jumper." "it's just-- exactly!" "i haven't said anything yet." "doesn't matter, you're right." "it's just all those men out there marrying other women." "how can we not take that personally?" "i know-- what's wrong with us?" "what are all those men trying to say?" "yeah, where are we going wrong?" "are we supposed to hang around bars, shag every man in sight, get ourselves pregnant, and then trap some poor loser into a lifetime of misery and heartbreak?" "of course not." "okay, you suggest something." "so there it is-- a time bomb, putting thoughts into your long-term girlfriend's head!" "a bomb, just ticking away right there in my hand!" "yeah, but you want to marry susan, don't you?" "yeah, we'd pretty much written you off." "totally." "yeah, well, of course i want to." "i don't want not to marry her." "i don't want anyone else to marry her." "it's like, you know... death." "death?" "!" "yeah, you accept that it's coming, but you get kind of uncomfortable when people start talking dates." "okay, important thing-- when you told susan about the invitation, could she tell what you were thinking?" "did you give anything away?" "um-- how bad?" "well... what's that?" "hmm?" "oh, just a final demand." "i mean, a wedding invitation." "right." "( bomb ticking ) whose?" "noakes." "noakes and ellen." "oh, great!" "how long have they been together?" "about the same time as us?" "( ticking faster ) no, i think they've been going out longer than us." "a lot longer, yeah." "no... no, we were already together when they first went out." "i'm sure of it." "they started going out just after us." "no, no." "No." "now i remember." "Definitely." "we've been together longer." "you were away for a month." "have you deducted that?" "What?" "you were out of the country for a month-- you've got to deduct that from the total time we've been together." "what are you talking about?" "we dropped a month, that's all i'm saying." "does it matter?" "no, it doesn't matter." "who said it mattered?" "( ticking faster ) and we go to bed earlier." "i mean, you know what those two are like." "their average day is probably a good 5% longer than ours." "it all adds up." "What?" "5% per day, that's a significant difference, over time." "noakes and ellen could well be ahead, in real terms." "steve, what are you on about?" "nothing." "just making conversation." "right, i've got to be off." "i'll see you tonight." "oh, have you booked somewhere?" "Booked?" "yeah." "We said we'd go out tonight, remember?" "may the 12th." "Our first anniversary." "all right." "Of--of course." "it's a whole year since our first date." "we should do something special." "special." "yes." "( siren blaring ) well... what do you think?" "congratulations." "she's a lovely girl." "oh, come on, it's not inevitable!" "it's just an anniversary dinner." "i was looking for help here." "i could phone you on your mobile and pretend there's an emergency." "then you could rush out." "that's a bit over the top, jeff." "over the top?" "steve, you know what the sentence of death is, don't you?" "i don't mean the sentence of death like in executions and stuff, i mean the scary one." "the scary one?" "just five words, steve, five little words" ""where is this relationship going?"" "oh, that's it!" "That's the one!" "those are the words you're gonna hear tonight!" "and once those words are out of her mouth, you can't put 'em back." "not once the cat of commitment is out of the bag of susan." "that's when you have to say good-bye forever." "but how could i say that?" "there's a useful phrase i always fall back on" ""i'll phone you next week."" "but i don't want to lose her, i just don't want to..." "Confirm her." "you've been with susan for a year now-- either you think you've got a future, or you should just get married." "all right, phone me at half past nine." "( glass breaks ) patrick?" "What's wrong?" "volkswagon." "she's here?" "!" "It's her?" "worse." "Far worse." "it's her mother!" "you know what i worry about?" "what if we're woodies?" "you know, not buzzes-- woodies." "is this some kind of weird new religious sect?" "i hate it when i miss one." "toys, i think." "Buzz light year-- from the movie." "oh, i love buzz!" "and woody was the cowboy." "you know, i voted buzz the cartoon character i'd most like to run a garden center with." "in what?" "oh, just my census form." "there was this space for additional information-- i found i just couldn't stop." "you surprise me." "you know what i hated about that form, though?" "there was tiny little box you were supposed to tick for "single."" "there was no room for a full explanation!" "anyway, all the kids got buzz for christmas-- all those poor cowboys left on the shelf." "we are woodies in the toy shop of romance." "i really quite like being single." "except for the bit about not having a man." "it's just sometimes i get a bit, you know... tired of ticking that box?" "well, it's no substitute, is it?" "i meant the box on the form, jane." "oh, right." "look, i'd like stay here and be insane with you guys, but i'm gonna be late." "What's tonight?" "steve's taking me to dinner." "it's our one-year anniversary." "no!" "Is it?" "oh, my god--i'll bet he's going to propose!" "i don't know about that." "this is so exciting!" "sally, i really don't-- oh, my god!" "you're gonna be a buzz-- i'll still be a woody, and you'll be a buzz!" "i think you're getting ahead of yourself." "you're my best friend, you're my main excuse person." "your main what?" "excuse person-- you know, "i'm still not married, but that's okay because susan's still not married."" "that's what i keep saying to myself-- it's the only way i can get to sleep." "sally, you are seriously overreacting." "i keep going to other people's weddings, i'm getting more and more single." "if one more friend gets married, i'll be a lesbian!" "did you know your nose keeps growing all your life?" "if i don't get married soon, they're gonna have to cut a hole in the veil!" "sally, steve isn't the type to suddenly propose." "absolutely." "there's no chance of that at all." "it's highly unlikely." "it's completely impossible." "i really don't think it's gonna happen tonight." "i'm 100% certain it won't." "look, steve and i have an understanding!" "sorry, i didn't mean to-- you didn't mean to what?" "sorry, is susan being reassured now?" "we've done you." "i'm sorry, susan." "it's just steve and i went out for 5 1/2 years." "when you get to know him as well as i do, you might-- excuse me-- when i what?" "you know what he's like." "yes, i do--i do know what he's like." "what's he like?" "well, you know-- steve can't make decisions." "of course he can make decisions." "why can't he?" "i don't know." "but look, he's completely different with you." "he never really took me seriously, you know that." "i was just like a sex object to him-- it was embarrassing." "if i wore the wrong dress, he'd have to keep his legs crossed all evening." "i'm sure he's never like that with you." "really--are you?" "it's only that i went out with him for so long-- i got really good at getting him all worked up." "you will, too." "you must give me some tips sometime." "well, always keep your breasts mobile, and keep an open mind on the subject of uniforms." "oh, and every time you see an attractive woman, say, "ooh, i could just eat her up."" "eat her up?" "!" "steve really loves that lesbian stuff, trust me." "it's pretty easy to get a response out of steve, long as you hit the right notes." "it's like snake-charming." "personally speaking, i'm not in the habit of charming snakes-- i just try to be polite to you." "well, i think i got out of that okay." "oh, hi." "Um... could i have a bottle of... champagne, please?" "yes, of course." "i'm going to have to ask you to turn off your mobile, sir." "you see, i've got this really urgent-- dying relative." "you could leave the phone at reception, we could come and get you." "could you, please?" "don't even answer it." "just come and get me straightaway." "no problem." "sorry about this." "well, it's just that it's someone really important to me, and i'm worried they're not going to last the evening." "i'm sorry to hear that, sir." "i'll get your champagne." "looking our way?" "yep." "and she's got the exit covered." "still?" "well, there's quite a lot of her." "it was ten years ago, okay?" "( stifles laugh ) what was her daughter like?" "I can't remember." "the volkswagon kind of blocked everything out." "you could make a run for it-- maybe she won't remember you." "ha!" "Trust me, she'll remember." "they always remember." "i went to the cinema with this girl once-- she forgot me while we were still there." "yeah?" "she went to the loo, came back, and sat with someone else." "she probably just couldn't find you." "yeah, that's what she said." "no, hang on-- it was a restaurant." "okay, we have a launch window, we're cleared for takeoff!" "go!" "Go!" "Go!" "oh, sorry." "Excuse me." "you're okay!" "Come on, let's go!" "but-- but--that's not possible!" "how can she not remember me?" "she's overweight!" "come on!" "no, i'm gonna try something here." "patrick" "( coughs )" "excuse me." "i'm sorry, but i know you, don't i?" "yes!" "Yes, you do!" "i mean, yes, yes, i'm, uh, i'm afraid so." "of course." "you see?" "I told you." "time to face the music." "can i just say to start with how very, very sorry i am." "please, i should be apologizing-- i should have remembered you straightaway." "everybody, this is wilf." "wilf used to be my cleaner." "didn't you, wilf?" "um... what, about ten years ago?" "well, i-- so... you still cleaning?" "oh, yeah." "yes, he is, cleaning away." "are you wilf's new boyfriend?" "yes." "Yes, i am." "well, please, won't you join us?" "aw, we'd love to, wouldn't we, darling?" "i'll get you a chair." "oh, no thanks." "I'd rather stand." "blame wilf." "sorry i'm late." "th-that's okay." "should have called." "they took my phone away." "It's at the front desk." "oh, really?" "well, you know, phones can be a bit irritating when you're trying to eat a bra-- uh, meal!" "not a bra, a meal." "did i say "bra"?" "( panting ) sorry." "Sorry." "no, no, no-- that's okay." "i imagine you'll have to stay behind there with your legs crossed for a bit." "no, no, i'm fine." "she's quite irritating, susan, isn't she?" "yeah." "steve's quite irritating, too, though." "yeah." "belong together, probably." "yeah." "which is quite... irritating." "yeah." "think they'll get it together-- permanently." "do you know what i used to do when i first split up from steve?" "i'd just phone him and just say nothing, just leave a long silence." "he'd get so wound up!" "why did you do that?" "just to ruin his evening-- he's an ex." "you don't want him back, though, do you?" "oh, no, not at all." "i'd be pleased if susan and steve made it permanent." "i'd be pleased, too." "absolutely pleased." "totally pleased." "she's six months younger then me, you know." "always has been, probably always will be." "i bet steve's got his mobile on him." "six months after i die, then she'll catch up." "of course, then i'll be dead, so she'll still have the edge." "he always has his mobile." "you wouldn't do that, though, would you?" "not if you thought they belonged together." "wilf." "i ask you-- wilf!" "don't worry about it, mate." "she's probably got some kind of memory problem." "yeah." "Yeah, she probably has." "so what do you think, shall i phone him?" "you said you would, didn't you?" "yeah." "susan's nice-- he could do worse." "Yeah." "and he doesn't want to end up like you." "what?" "Forgotten." "you said she had a memory problem!" "yeah, right." "we're off now." "Just thought i'd say good-bye." "yeah, whatever." "lovely to meet you, jeff." "and very lovely to see you again, patrick." "hang on!" "you called me patrick." "you didn't really think i'd forgotten you, did you?" "i just felt entitled to a little revenge." "oh." "mother and daughter, patrick." "that was very naughty, wasn't it?" "we were really upset, you know." "well, i really am very, very sorry." "well, i had my fun tonight." "guess we'll call it quits, eh?" "thank you." "good-bye, patrick." "oh, and send my apologies to your daughter, as well." "what?" "i am the daughter!" "thank you." "it's really nice here." "Well chosen." "yeah, it's not bad, is it?" "it's lovely." "tell you what else... i could eat the waitresses." "i'm sorry?" "the waitresses-- i could eat them all up." "we can order straightaway if you're hungry." "no, no, no-- i just mean the waitresses are all very lovely." "i could eat them all up." "in a big bowl..." "With their uniforms." "i'll get you some bread." "no, no, no!" "i just mean eat them all up in a lesbian sort of a way." "lesbians don't eat people, susan!" "i know, i know." "is something wrong?" "jane told me about her dresses." "her dresses?" "Yes, her dresses." "and that makes you want to devour the catering staff?" "she told me that sometimes she'd wear a dress and that you'd get all..." "Excited-- legs-crossed excited." "i suppose i did." "So?" "oh!" "are you being insecure?" "i've never seen you being insecure before." "well, you try having a gorgeous, sexy ex-girlfriend wafting about the place, being all bisexual." "that'll do the trick." "you can't take that excitement seriously, you know what men are like." "i mean, that could happen anytime, anywhere." "okay, then." "Make it happen now." "what?" "you did it for jane, you can do it for me." "on you go, then." "i can't just switch it on!" "it's not like an emergency dinghy, i don't pull a rip-cord!" "anytime, anywhere, you said." "normally i get some help." "this isn't exactly sex talk, is it?" "i can do sex talk!" "i never said you couldn't." "nipples." "what?" "nipples--they're good." "yes, thank you, nipples are..." "Good." "did that help?" "there's a fine line between sex talk and just mentioning body parts." "so you're saying that jane can do this and i can't." "I didn't say that!" "i can do anything jane does-- i can do tricks!" "i can move my breasts!" "oh, my god--can you?" "!" "Please, don't!" "i don't mean i can pop them 'round the back or something-- thank you for that image-- scary place in my head now!" "oh, for god's sake!" "that would be your foot." "yes, it would." "what's it doing?" "just checking on progress." "can we just forget about this?" "can we just have a nice meal?" "come on, susan, move your foot!" "ooh!" "that's not exactly what i had in mind." "( panting ) oh, now, that's-- that's clever." "working a zipper with your foot, that's--that's quite impressive." "could jane do that?" "don't--don't think it ever came uuuuupppp!" "you--you know, if this is some kind of revenge thing, i'm..." "Kind of okay with it." "oh, this isn't the revenge part." "this is." "excuse me." "( to waitress ) hi." "can you tell us the specials, please?" "of course, yes." "we've got duck with an orange-- ohhhhh!" "unhh!" "ohh!" "i... really like duck!" "and, uh, steak-- whoo!" "s-steak, eh?" "steak, steak, steak!" "wait till you get to the sweets-- he'll really blow his top, i promise you." "susan, please!" "how's this comparing to jane's dresses?" "at least i get to stay hidden this time." "excuse me, sir." "Your telephone's ringing." "what?" "the, uh, urgent matter." "oh, well, never mind, then." "i'm sorry?" "he'll keep." "for a while." "not that that's any great consolation at this moment, of course." "can i help you up?" "actually, i'm in the middle of an urgent intimate moment-- that's okay, darling." "if you've got an urgent call, you'd better take it." "right." "yes." "uh... i'll just take the wine list with me." "in case i need something to read." "( ringing ) jeff, i know that was my idea, but it was absolutely the worst timing in the history of everything, ever!" "jeff?" "hello?" "jane-- is that you?" "jane, if that's you, could you once and for all just get over it?" "susan is the woman i'm going to marry." "jane?" "in every possible sense of the word... gotcha." "* if you can't make your mind up * * we'll never get started * * and i don't wanna wind up * * bein' parted, broken-hearted * * so if you really love me *" "* say yes, and please don't tell me * * perhaps, perhaps, perhaps **"