"( children reciting in Gaelic )" "OH, ESME--EDUCATED IN THEIR NATIVE TONGUE." "MARVELOUS." "AND DO YOU LIKE SPEAKING THE GAELIC, HMM?" "IT'S LIKE POETRY, ISN'T IT?" "YES, WELL, START THEM YOUNG." "I'VE HAD THE POSTER PRINTED OUT FOR LOCHDUBH DAY." "OH, IT'S NORMALLY JUST WORD OF MOUTH." "YOU CAN'T PLAN TOO CAREFULLY." "THERE'S A LOT STILL TO BE DONE." "I'VE SPOKEN TO ISOBEL ABOUT THE CHOIR, AND THAT'S ALL SETTLED." "CHOIR?" "IT'S USUALLY JUST THE BAND." "OH, GOSH." "I MUST PHONE ERADNE McTURK AND CONFIRM." "I'LL SEE YOU ON THURSDAY." "BYE." "MacBETH:" "SO YOU'RE A WRITER, I HEAR?" "OF SORTS." "WHAT SORT?" "NOTHING YOU'LL HAVE HEARD OF." "YOU NEVER KNOW." "I WRITE UNDER A PEN NAME." "AND WHAT WOULD THAT BE?" "OH, REALLY." "COME ON, I'M INTERESTED." "SADLER." "AYE?" "CHUCK SADLER." "( tires screech )" "CHUCK SADLER?" "THECHUCKSADLER?" "YES, I SUPPOSE SO." "YES." ""BLEACHED SKULLS IN THE SUNSET."" ""DEAD MAN'S GULCH."" "THAT PART WHERE LUKE KINCAID SHOOTS JED McGLONE THROUGH THE SKELETON OF THE BUFFALO." "YOU'RE A GIFTED WRITER, PAUL." "YOU'VE READ IT." "I'M AMAZED." "READ IT?" "I'VE READ THEM ALL, ME!" "CHUCK SADLER." "MacBETH:" "CHUCK SADLER." "( laughs )" "( barks ) ( dog barking )" "HERE YOU ARE, ROWAN." "I BOUGHT A FRIEND FOR YOU." "GO ON IN, HAMISH." "I'LL FETCH THE NEW BOOK." "OKAY." "( clicks tongue ) COME ON." "YOU FAIRLY BEEN DOING THE PLACE UP." "OH, DON'T MENTION IT." "HERE WE ARE-- "THE COWHAND'S REVENGE."" "FRESH FROM THE PRESS." "WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO SIGN IT FOR YOU?" "AYE!" ""TO HAMISH..."" ""..." "FROM CHUCK SADLER."" ""OH WAD THE POWER THE GIFT TO GIVE US."" "OH, MY GOD, WHO'S BEEN QUOTING BURNS AT YOU?" "Vicky:" "HELLO!" "P.C. macbeth." "HAMISH, PLEASE." "NOW, YOU'LL BE COMING ON THURSDAY." "I'M NOT MUCH OF A COMMITTEE MAN." "BUT WE'LL NEED YOU." "LOCHDUBH DAY IS BEING EXPANDED." "THE ROAD'LL NEED TO BE BLOCKED OFF." "NORMALLY, JUST PARK A BALER IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGH STREET." "8:00 SHARP." "HERE'S A DRAFT AGENDA." "WHAT YOU GOT THERE?" "IT'S A DEAD CROW." "A WHAT?" "MUST HAVE KICKED IT IN THE GARDEN." "TAKE IT OUT OF HERE, FOR GOD'S SAKE." "I MUST CHANGE." "PAUL, WOULD YOU GIVE..." "Hamish:" "HAMISH." "...HAMISH A CUP OF TEA?" "AND WASH YOUR HANDS." "( sound of footsteps )" "( phone rings )" "( ring )" "( ring )" "( chimes ) ( continues ringing )" "SOME PEOPLE HAVE GOT NO PATIENCE, EH, JOCK?" "( dog barking )" "MR. McCRAE?" "( sheep baas )" "MR. McCRAE?" "( loud noise )" "( speaks Gaelic )" "AYE." "OH, WHAT A MARVELOUS SHED." "IT WAS LOVELY EARLY THIS MORNING." "AYE." "WE'LL PAY FOR IT NOW THEN, EH?" "COULD I HAVE A WORDS?" "AYE, TALK AWAY." "I HEAR THAT YOU'VE GOT AN OLD HAND LOOM IN YOUR SHED." "OH, AYE." "YEAH." "WE'VE DECIDED TO DRESS UP THE HALL" "AS AN AUTHENTIC WEAVING COTTAGE." "ARE WE?" "AND SOMEBODY MENTIONED THE LOOM, SO I THOUGHT MAYBE..." "YOU CAN SEE I'M A BIT BUSY NOW." "IT'S IN THE BACK SOMEWHERE." "SO IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I'M A BIT BUSY AT THE MOMENT." "OH, PLEASE." "IT WOULDN'T TAKE LONG, SURELY." "( starts engine )" "( Vicky screams )" "NO..." "ISN'T THIS A BLACK HOUSE?" "THIS IS A PILE OF STONES, MADAM." "YOU CAN'T DESTROY THIS." "THIS MUST BE ONE OF THE LAST ORIGINAL BLACK HOUSES LEFT STANDING!" "I'D FIND YOU NOT TO INSTRUCT ME ON BLACK HOUSES." "MY GRANNY WAS BORN IN ONE," "AND DANK, DARK, SMELLY HOLES THEY ARE, TOO!" "WHY?" "WHY?" "!" "I'M PUTTING IN A NEW SEPTIC TANK, ALL RIGHT?" "TO HELL WITH A PILE OF STONES!" "WHAT ABOUT MY TIRE?" "IT'S A PIECE OF RUBBER!" "YOU CAN'T COMPARE IT WITH THE HERITAGE YOUR FOREFATHERS LEFT YOU!" "HAMISH!" "HAMISH..." "I WANT THIS LIFTED FOR CRIMINAL DAMAGES TO MY TRACTOR." "WILL YOU KINDLY CONTACT THE PLANNING DEPARTMENT IN INVERNESS?" "THIS MAN IS GUILTY OF DESTROYING A LISTED BUILDING!" "EXCUSE ME, EXCUSE ME." "DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH A NEW TIRE COSTS?" "FOR GOODNESS SAKE, A TIRE." "IT'LL JUST BE A TENNER FOR-- SHUT UP!" "ARE YOU GONNA PHONE OR SHALL I?" "WHY DON'T WE ALL JUST CALM DOWN?" "I'M PERFECTLY CALM." "WELL, I'M BLOODY WELL NOT." "NO WONDER!" "THE DESTRUCTION OF A BLACK HOUSE" "DON'T YOU DARE TALK TO ME ABOUT DESTRUCTION!" "WHOA, YOU MENTIONED A LISTED BUILDING." "IT'S NOT LISTED." "YET!" "AND YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT WHAT?" "TEN QUID DAMAGE TO YOUR TIRE?" "WELL, MAYBE 20." "LOOK, LACHIE, IT IS NOT THE MONEY!" "IT IS THE PRINCIPLE OF THE THING!" "EXACTLY!" "CUP OF TEA." "GET ON." "( dog barks )" "Paul:" "SHUT UP, ROWAN." "Vicky:" "IS THAT HAMISH?" "Paul:" "WE'LL SEE, DEAR." "( chimes jingle )" "YES, IT IS." "COME IN, HAMISH." "HI, THERE." "FOR YOU, PAUL." "OH, THANK YOU." "I SAY, HAMISH," "THANKS SO MUCH FOR SMOOTHING OVER THE TRACTOR INCIDENT." "IT WAS NOTHING." "NO MORE DEAD CROWS, I HOPE." "NO, NO, NO." "AH, WELL, THEN." "ARE YOU ENJOYING THE BOOK?" "YOU KNOW, PAUL, I HAVEN'T HAD A MINUTE." "I WAS JOKING." "SO AM I." "IT WAS GREAT." "IT'S THE BEST YET." "OH, THANK YOU." "COME ON IN." "Cameron:" "TOOK 48 POUNDS AT THE GATE..." "THAT'LL BE THE POLICE HERE TO CHECK THE BOOKS, CAMERON." "LOVELY TO SEE YOU, HAMISH." "NOW YOU SIT DOWN HERE." "ISOBEL." "HAMISH." "YOU BETTER POP THAT IN THE FRIDGE." "WEE JOCK WAS LYING ON IT." "WHAT DO YOU DRINK, HAMISH?" "I'VE HEATHER BEER." "HEATHER BEER." "LOVELY." "( laughter )" "I WAS JUST POINTING OUT THAT IN THE LAST FISCAL YEAR," "LOCHDUBH DAY RETURNED A DEFICIT OF 25 POUNDS, 33 PENCE." "I VIEW THIS MATTER WITH NO SMALL DEGREE OF CONCERN." "IF A ROLLOVER BUDGET IS TO BE CONSIDERED" "FOR GOODNESS SAKE, MR. DICKS, THE MONEY'S IRRELEVANT." "I'VE BEEN ON TO HIGHLAND REGION," "AND THEY'LL GIVE US A LOSS GUARANTEE OF TWO AND A HALF THOUSAND." "OH..." "OH, I SEE." "BUT EVEN SO, A LOSS GUARANTEE" "IS NOT THE SAME AS PROJECT FUNDING." "WHAT'S A FEW POUNDS MATTER WHEN YOUR CULTURE'S AT STAKE?" "CULTURE?" "IS IT NOT JUST A PISS UP AT THE PUB?" "OH, RORY." "I KNOW YOU WON'T MIND ME SAYING THIS," "BUT THAT IS JUST THE SORT OF ATTITUDE" "THAT'S LEFT THE HIGHLANDS IN THE STATE THEY ARE TODAY." "BARNEY AND ME ARE HAPPY TO OPEN THE DOORS OF THE HOTEL, ANYWAY." "AND WE'VE ORDERED A BOUNCY CASTLE, AS USUAL." "WELL-- ACTUALLY, I'VE CANCELED THE BOUNCY CASTLE." "SINCE WHEN?" "VICKY HERE THOUGHT THAT-- WITH RESPECT, AGNES, I DON'T THINK A BOUNCY CASTLE'S" "QUITE THE SORT OF TONE WE'RE LOOKING FOR HERE." "I'VE CONTACTED THE SEALED KNOT SOCIETY," "AND THEY'LL RECREATE THE BATTLE OF THE DEVIL'S HUMPH." "AND THERE'LL BE A GAELIC COOKERY COMPETITION," "THE CHOIR'LL SING, AND THEN, OF COURSE," "THERE'S THE TRAVELING TARTAN ROAD SHOW-- THE TOURISTS WILL LOVE IT." "FOR THE CEILIDH-- ESME USUALLY HANDLES THE CEILIDH." "WE'LL BE GETTING WULLIE MUIRHEAD'S BAND OVER FROM CNOTHAN." "WON'T WE?" "WELL, VICKY'S BEEN SUGGESTING SOME NEW IDEAS." "( bell rings ) BUT" "BARNEY." "WHAT?" "WOULD YOU BE AN ANGEL?" "OH, YEAH, RIGHT." "EXCUSE ME." "Cameron:" "HOW MUCH IS ALL THIS GOING TO COST?" "I'D ALREADY PAID THE DEPOSIT ON THE BOUNCY CASTLE." "I'M AFRAID YOU'LL REALLY HAVE TO ASK VICKY." "( laughter in kitchen )" "CLAPSHAW." "SORRY?" "Vicky:" "CLAPSHAW." "IT'S BOILED CABBAGE AND POTATOES GARNISHED WITH SALT AND OATMEAL." "AND THIS IS CLOUTIE DUMPLING." "( phone rings )" "( dog barks )" "WHAT?" "( groans )" "HEATHER BEER." "( phone rings )" "( ring )" "HELLO?" "BRUCE?" "D.I. BRUCE, GOOD MORNING, SIR." "NO, IT WAS NONSTOP HERE YESTERDAY, SIR." "( beeping sound ) A FAX?" "NO, I DON'T THINK SO." "THREATS?" "TO THE SETTLERS?" "EXTREME NATIONALISTS?" "NO, I DON'T THINK SO, SIR." "( crumples paper )" "QUIET AS THE GRAVE HERE, SIR." "( shrieks joyously )" "SNAP THAT." "THERE." "GET RID OF THAT." "AND A WEE DROP OF VARNISH OVER THERE LIKE THAT." "AND THERE YOU ARE." "THAT'S MARVELOUS." "IT'S NOTHING LIKE A FLY." "( laughs )" "IT'S NOT MEANT TO BE A FLY." "THIS ONE'S A WEE SHRIMP." "BUT IT'S MORE..." "THE MEMORY OF A WEE SHRIMP." "I MEAN, IF IT ACTUALLY LOOKED LIKE A SHRIMP..." "THEN YOU WOULDN'T CATCH ANYTHING." "CORRECT." "BIT BRIGHT FOR THE SEA TROUT, THOUGH." "NIGHT'S BEST." "WHAT, DO YOU MEAN YOU FISH IN THE DARK?" "( laughs ) AYE." "AN ORANGE SHRIMP FLY AND AN EIGHT OR A TEN ON A MOONLIT NIGHT." "IT'S PERFECT." "TV John:" "HAMISH!" "OH, HAMISH, THERE'S A RIGHT RAMMY GOING ON DOWN AT THE PIER." "WEAPONS ARE BEING BRANDISHED." "GIVE US A BREAK, JOHN." "THERE'S A RISE ON HERE." "BUT AGNES IS THREATENING TO MURDER BARNEY." "WHAT ARE THEY ARGUING ABOUT?" "IT'S A PRIVATE MATTER." "OVER TO YOU, PAUL." "OH, RIGHT, OKAY." "GIVE IT A WHIRL." "SO WHAT'S THE BIG SECRET?" "AGNES THINKS BARNEY'S HAVING AN AFFAIR" "WITH HIS WIFE." "VICKY?" "AND BARNEY?" "TWO AND A HALF HOURS." "TWO AND A HALF HOURS, YOU WERE OUT THERE WITH HER!" "SHE WANTED TO LOOK AT MY CREELS." "AYE, AND MORE!" "IT'S TRUE!" "SHE'S GOING TO DECORATE THE HALL WITH THEM!" "DO YOU THINK MY HEAD'S ZIPPED UP AT THE BACK?" "DON'T YOU WALK AWAY FROM ME!" "MORNING, AGNES." "MORNING, HAMISH." "ANY CHANCE OF A CUP OF THAT LOVELY COFFEE OF YOURS?" "FOR YOU, HAMISH, ANYTHING." "I'LL SEE YOU LATER." "SEEN ENOUGH?" "( speaks Gaelic )" "BARNEY..." "PLEASE." "I DON'T WANT ANY KNIFE FIGHTS IN LOCHDUBH." "NEITHER DO I." "GOING TO GIVE US A HAND WITH THESE, UP TO THE HALL." "YOU MEAN VICKY REALLY DOES WANT THEM?" "AYE." "FOR THE CEILIDH." "SHE'S GOING TO CONSTRUCT A FISHING THEME INSTALLATION." "ALL RIGHT." "( Gaelic chanting )" "NO, NO, NO!" "LISTEN, LADIES, YOU'RE REALLY GOING TO HAVE TO CONCENTRATE." "OKAY, CAN I HAVE THAT ONCE MORE, PLEASE?" "DO YOU KNOW THEY NEVER REALLY WOVE TWEED LOCALLY?" "YES, IT WAS OUT IN THE ISLANDS, MOSTLY." "Women:" "THAT'S RIGHT." "YES." "LADIES." "Women:" "HAMISH." "OH, WELL..." "WILL YOU JUST STACK THEM OVER THERE IN THAT CORNER, PLEASE, GENTLEMEN?" "THANKS." "FUNNY SMELL IN HERE, YOU KNOW." "THOUGHT I SMELT SOMETHING." "MAYBE THE CREELS." "NO..." "IT'S PROBABLY THE FIXING AGENT." "SORRY?" "I THOUGHT WE OUGHT TO USE A TRADITIONAL FIXING AGENT FOR THE TWEED." "TRADITIONAL FIXING AGENT?" "BUT IS THAT NOT-- THAT'S RIGHT" "MEN'S URINE." "Women:" "OH!" "OH!" "WHAT'S WRONG?" "HAMISH?" "CHUCK." "GOOD MORNING." "HI." "LOOK AT THIS." "MM-HMM." "THIS IS BEYOND A JOKE." "YES." "HAMISH, COULD YOU..." "SOMEHOW LET HER KNOW" "HOW THE VILLAGE FEELS?" "Vicky:" "A VENDETTA?" "AGAINST ME?" "FOR GOODNESS SAKE, HAMISH," "AFTER ALL I'VE DONE FOR THE COMMUNITY." "PETTY JEALOUSIES, THAT'S ALL." "VICKY, THESE PEOPLE CAN BE DANGEROUS." "THEY'VE EVEN THREATENED TO BURN PEOPLE OUT IN OTHER PLACES." "DARLING, THE CROW IS THE SYMBOL OF DEATH." "THEY'RE NOT SCARING ME OR BURNING ME OUT!" "YOU CAN'T GIVE IN TO THESE PEOPLE." "NOW, I DIDN'T INTEND TO TAKE THIS ANY FURTHER, HAMISH," "BUT IF YOU INSIST ON PERSONALIZING IT," "I'M SURE YOUR SUPERIORS IN INVERNESS WILL BE VERY INTERESTED." "NO, I DON'T THINK THERE'S ANY NEED TO INVOLVE THEM." "IF IT'S A LOCAL MATTER, I'LL SORT IT OUT." "WELL, YOU BETTER DO IT SOON, THEN, HADN'T YOU?" "( door opens ) ( chimes ring )" "( door closes )" "HEY!" "WHERE'S YOUR DAD?" "UNDER A TRACTOR, LAST TIME I SAW HIM." "TELL HIM I WANT A WORD WITH HIM ABOUT A LETTER." "WHAT LETTER?" "JUST TELL HIM." "( door closes )" "( starts engine )" "HEY!" "THIS THING MOT'd?" "WHAT?" "MOT'd." "NO." "WHY?" "JU--JUST ASKING." "Hamish:" "ISOBEL." "SORRY." "ISOBEL, CAN I HAVE A WORD?" "Isobel:" "HANG ON." "I'LL JUST POP THIS OFF TO THE PRINTERS IN OBAN." "THEY PRINT IT UP BY HALF THREE." "NEW TECHNOLOGY, FLORA, EH?" "CAN'T BE DOING WITH IT." "ASKED FOR A POLICE HORSE, THEY SENT ME A LAND ROVER." "( printer starts )" "HAVE A LOOK AT THIS." "LET'S SEE." "VERY NICE." "ANY IDEA WHERE IT CAME FROM?" "IT'S BEEN CUT UP FROM AN OLD COPY OF THE LISTENER." "IS THAT IT?" "THAT'S ABOUT ALL I CAN SAY." "TWO THOUSAND COPIES A WEEK." "TWO THOUSAND TO ONE." "WELL, THAT'S GOOD." "WHAT ABOUT PRINTS AND ALL THAT FORENSICS STUFF?" "SEND IT OFF TO INVERNESS." "NO, I'LL SORT THIS OUT ON MY OWN." "YOU OKAY?" "MM-HMM." "LISTEN, ISOBEL." "KEEP THIS TO YOURSELF, EH?" "BY THE WAY, I WAS WONDERING..." "YOU GOING TO THE CEILIDH?" "WELL, I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE IN IT." "WHY?" "COULD YOU LOOK AFTER WEE JOCK?" "BECAUSE I'M GOING FISHING." "OF COURSE, HAMISH." "NO TROUBLE." "( crashing sound )" "AYE, WELL, IT'S NOT A LETTER I'D BE SENDING HER." "( mimics gunshot ) I'LL IGNORE THAT." "I HAVEN'T THE FOGGIEST IDEA ABOUT THAT, HAMISH." "YOU'VE BEEN SHOOTING CROWS, I SEE." "OH, GOODNESS GRACIOUS ME, EH?" "MY FREEDOM TO SHOOT VERMIN IS TO BE CURTAILED, IS IT?" "AYE, THE UGLY FACE OF FASCISM, BOY." "YOU'RE CALLING ME-- YOU'RE CALLING ME A FASCIST?" "WELL, IF THE CAP FITS, HAMISH." "I'LL TELL YOU THIS, LACHLAN." "THIS IS BAD." "THIS IS VERY, VERY BAD." "AND WHEN I FIND OUT WHO DID IT, THEY'RE IN BIG" "BIG TROUBLE." "DON'T LOOK AT ME, HAMISH." "I CAN'T EVEN SPELL." "VERY GOOD." "HAMISH." "YES?" "HALF THE VILLAGE WANTS RID OF HER, BOY." "AYE." "AND SO DOES THE OTHER HALF." "SO IT'S CROWS NAILED TO DOORS AND THREATENING LETTERS NOW, EH?" "AND HOW DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT?" "ISOBEL TOLD ME ABOUT THE LETTER." "I'M JUST AFTER TELLING ISOBEL!" "SHE KNEW ALREADY." "RORY TOLD HER." "AND THE POSTMAN TOLD HIM." "AND ESME TOLD AGNES ABOUT THE CROW..." "ON ACCOUNT OF HER NIECE KIRSTY" "HEARING VICKY TELL CAMERON AT THE BANK." "( groans )" "OH..." "SEE THIS PLACE?" "!" "UNBELIEVABLE!" "I KNOW, I KNOW." "YOU CAN'T CLEAN YOUR FERRET'S CAGE OUT HERE" "WITHOUT IT BEING ON CNN." "YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT." "IF YOU WANT MY ADVICE..." "LET IT ALL BLOW OVER." "MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT." "AS LONG AS YOU CAN KEEP INSPECTOR BRUCE OFF YOUR CASE." "BRUCE?" "WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT BRUCE?" "HE'S BEEN SCREAMING FOR YOU ALL DAY ON THE RADIO." "I TOLD HIM YOU WERE OUT CHASING POACHERS." "DID HE BELIEVE YOU?" "THE MAN'S A BALLOON." "OF COURSE HE BELIEVED ME." "ESPECIALLY WHEN I TOLD HIM YOU MIGHT HAVE A CONFISCATED SEA TROUT FOR HIM." "THE WOMAN HAS POISONED THE COMMUNITY!" "AYE." "HERE, HAVE ANOTHER WEE DRAMMIE, LACHLAN." "AYE, CHEERS." "SHE'S TAKING OVER THE CEILIDH LOCK, STOCK AND BARREL." "ESME'S FIZZING." "AND HER SUCH A MOIST THING, TOO." "IT'S A TERRIBLE THING WHEN THE POWERS OF DARKNESS" "INVADE A MAN'S PRIVATE BUSINESS!" "YOU KNOW SHE PHONED THE PLANNING." "THE PLANNING?" "HERE, SHE NEVER MENTIONED MY CARAVAN, DID SHE?" "AYE, AND HER HERE, NOT FIVE MINUTES FROM KELVINSIDE." "MORNINGSIDE." "EH?" "SHE COMES FROM MORNINGSIDE, NOT KELVINSIDE." "MORNINGSIDE, KELVINSIDE, BACKSIDE--THEY'RE ALL THE BLOODY SAME." "INCOMERS TELLING US HOW TO LIVE OUR LIVES." "AYE, AND BUYING UP ALL THE GOOD HOUSES," "SO LOCAL PEOPLE LIKE TV JOHN HERE HAVE TO LIVE IN CARAVANS" "WITHOUT PLANNING PERMISSION." "AYE!" "WAIT A MINUTE." "I'M AN INCOMER." "AYE, BARNEY, BUT I MEAN..." "THERE'S INCOMERS..." "AND INCOMERS." "AGNES." "HAVE YOU SEEN BARNEY?" "( door opens ) NO." "QUIET TONIGHT, EH?" "LOOK, I JUST POPPED IN FOR A CHAT." "THERE'S BEEN A WEE BIT OF TROUBLE, YOU KNOW." "MORE THAN A WEE BIT, I'D SAY." "LOOK, THERE'S AN EASY WAY OF ASKING THIS," "BUT THERE'S BEEN THREATS MADE TO VICKY JEFFREYS." "SO YOU THINK IT WAS ME THAT SENT THE-- NO, NO, NO." "I JUST--I'M JUST HERE." "HAMISH, BARNEY AND ME, WE'VE BEEN HERE, WHAT" "FIVE YEARS NOW." "WE'RE ACCEPTED." "WE GO WITH THE FLOW." "I HAD MY MAN FRIENDS." "NOW LOOK AT IT." "EH?" "( groans )" "IT MAKES MY BLOOD BOIL TO SEE HER MARCH IN HERE" "AND ACT AS IF THOUGH SHE WAS WHAT-- THE QUEEN OF SHEBA?" "!" "BARNEY LOVES YOU, AGNES." "SO..." "YOU THINK I'M AFTER HER?" "HMM?" "WELL, YOU'RE RIGHT." "NOW PROVE IT." "( Lachlan singing drunkenly )" "( gunshots on TV )" "( engine starts )" "( continues singing ) DAD!" "DAD!" "STOP!" "CONTROL YOURSELF!" "STOP!" "DAD!" "NO!" "DAD!" "YOU'LL HAVE TO STOP!" "( groans )" "I TOOK THE WHEEL OUT TO FIX IT!" "( groans )" "( dog barks ) ROWAN!" "ROWAN!" "OH!" "COME ON." "IN HERE." "( sheep baaing )" "( whistles )" "( Gaelic music playing )" "HAMISH!" "STOP!" "HAMISH." "AYE?" "GOT THREE ROLLS OF FILM, AND WE'VE RUN OUT OF DEVELOPER." "( singing along )" "( banjo music playing )" "( screams )" "( honks horn )" "Vicky:" "ROWAN?" "ROWAN?" "ROWAN?" "ROWAN'S GONE OFF." "YOU HAVEN'T SEEN ROWAN, HAVE YOU?" "ROWAN?" "( grunts )" "CAN I TAKE A SHOT OF THIS?" "WHAT?" "!" "LACHLAN!" "LACHLAN!" "( groans ) LACHLAN!" "( dog barks )" "YOU USE THAT PHOTO, AND I'LL SUE YOU!" "( camera clicks ) COME ON!" "LACHLAN, MOVE!" "IT'S HER THAT SHOULD BE CHARGED, HAMISH." "THE MARINA'S A WRITE-OFF." "LACHLAN..." "YOU KNOW, YOU JUST CAN'T GO AROUND STRANGLING FOLK LIKE THAT." "SO WHERE WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO STRANGLE HER, THEN?" "DON'T START!" "YOU'RE BLOODY LUCKY SHE'S NOT PRESSED CHARGES." "SHE MADE HIM DO IT." "THAT'S RIGHT, BOY." "WHO UNSCREWED THE WHEEL?" "THAT'S WHO YOU SHOULD BE LOOKING FOR." "THAT'S RIGHT AS WELL, BOY." "AND HOW DO YOU KNOW IT WAS UNSCREWED?" "HUH?" "WELL..." "I JUST..." "I JUST..." "YOU KNOW..." "I JUST THOUGHT AND..." "LACHIE, ARE YOU A COMPLETE PLONKER?" "WHEN I GET MY HANDS ON YOU-- I THOUGHT YOU'D BE PLEASED" "RIGHT!" "THAT'S IT." "YOU'RE BOTH NICKED." "THE PAIR OF YOU-- YOU FOR ASSAULT," "YOU FOR WRITING THREATENING NOTES" "AND FOR NAILING..." "CROWS TO DOORS!" "( phone rings ) OKAY?" "!" "( door slams ) ( ring )" "( ring )" "HELLO?" "DETECTIVE INSPECTOR BRUCE." "HOW ARE YOU, SIR?" "SETTLER WATCH?" "YES, WE DID HAVE A SMALL INCIDENT, SIR, BUT IT'S ALL UNDER CONTROL NOW." "A SEA TROUT?" "( knocks ) WELL, I MAY JUST HAVE ONE FOR YOU, SIR." "NOT AT ALL." "DON'T YOU MENTION IT." "BYE NOW." "HAMISH..." "COME ON, COME ON." "HAMISH..." "LOOK, I DID LOOSEN HER WHEEL NUTS." "A WEE BIT--BUT I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING" "ABOUT DEAD CROWS OR NOTES OR..." "THE BOY'S TELLING THE TRUTH, HAMISH." "YOU COULDN'T SPELL CROW, COULD YOU?" "BEAT IT." "( bagpipes playing )" "ABENHEIMER?" "WHAT'S WRONG WITH MY HEAD?" "I'VE JUST REMEMBERED ABENHEIMER IS A SEPT OF THE STUART CLAN." "YOU JUST WAIT THERE, MR. ABENHEIMER." "I'LL SORT YOU OUT." "SLING US SOME SHORT BREAD RED, CALLUM, WILL YOU?" "THERE'S A LAD." "OH, THERE YOU ARE, MR. ABENHEIMER." "NOW THIS IS YOUR ROYAL STUART DRESS TARTAN." "A VERY, VERY SPECIAL RESERVE, THIS ONE." "( arguing ) COME ON, LADS!" "AWAY WITH US TO THE DEVIL'S HUMPH!" "( cheering )" "( screams )" "RECOVERED FROM YESTERDAY, I SEE." "LET THEM COME, HAMISH, WHOEVER THEY ARE." "I'LL TAKE THEM ALL ON." "( violin playing )" "SHE SAYS, "IT'S LOCHDUBH DAY OR DIE."" "HAMISH, YOU THINK YOU KNOW A LOT ABOUT GIRLS," "BUT YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND WOMEN." "OH, REALLY?" "SHE COULD NO MORE ADMIT SHE WAS AT FAULT THAN FLY IN THE AIR." "HELLO." "IS THERE NOT A BOUNCY CASTLE, MR. HAMISH?" "NO, HARRY." "NOT THE RIGHT TONE, SON." "WILL I TAKE WEE JOCK NOW?" "NO." "FISHING TRIP'S CANCELED." "( yelling )" "( bagpipes playing )" "( chatter )" "( laughing )" "NOT COMING IN, HAMISH?" "IT'LL BE QUITE A GOOD SHOW." "I'M UP TO MY NECK IN IT, JOHN." "NEED TO SORT OUT THIS NOTE THING, YOU KNOW?" "WELL, EVERYBODY FROM THE VILLAGE IS HERE." "NO, I'M FINE." "I DON'T KNOW WHY SHE'S GOT THE CHAIRS OUT." "IT'S A CEILIDH, NOT A BLOODY RECITATION." "People:" "SHH!" "Vicky:" "LADIES AND GENTLEMEN..." "WELCOME TO THIS YEAR'S BELTANE CEILIDH." "YOU KNOW I'VE BEEN DOING A BIT OF RESEARCH." "AND WITH THE HELP OF ISOBEL SUTHERLAND I HAVE DISCOVERED THAT ACCORDING TO THE LOCHDUBH LISTENER" "ACCORDING TO THE LOCHDUBH LISTENER OF..." "MAY 1892..." "I'VE JUST BEEN THINKING, LACHIE." "UH-HUH?" "MAYBE YOU COULD REBUILD THAT BLACK HOUSE." "CHARGE THE TOURISTS A FIVER A SKULL TO SIT INSIDE IT?" "YOU RECKON I'D GET A FIVER, DO YOU?" "OR MAYBE EVEN SIX." "HMM." "IT'S BAFFLING, JOCK." "( applause from inside )" "PURE BAFFLING." "( Vicky continues speaking )" "SO TO OPEN OUR MUSICAL EVENING," "LET US WELCOME ERADNE McTURK OF THE CNOTHAN AMATEUR OPERATICS." "( applause )" "ERADNE WILL SING US A SCOTTISH MEDLEY." "( plays piano )" "( sings in Gaelic )" "HOLD ME BACK, AGNES." "DID YOU HEAR THE PLANNING BOY WAS HERE TODAY?" ""OH WAD THE POWER THE GIFT TO GIVE US..." "TO SEE OURSELVES AS OTHERS SEE US."" "GIFT?" "THE GIFT." "( continues singing )" "PAUL?" "( singing continues )" "OH, BLOODY HELL." "( singing continues )" "Man:" "THAT'S WULLIE MUIRHEAD!" "AT LAST!" "YOU MIGHT HAVE GIVEN ME A BIT MORE NOTICE." "Woman:" "WULLIE!" "HERE, CLEAR A SPACE ON THAT STAGE." "GIVE ME A BIT OF ELBOW ROOM." "BUT ERADNE HASN'T FINISHED!" "AND THEN THERE'S THE WAULKING!" "OH!" "NO, NO!" "TIME AND PLACE!" "B-B-BUT THE WAULKING." "THE WAULKING!" "THE DANCING!" "( cheering )" "( exhales )" "END OF THE TRAIL, PARTNER." "( gun clicks )" "SO WHAT WAS IT, PAUL?" "ANOTHER WOMAN?" "BOREDOM?" "OH, NO, NO." "I JUST WANTED TO GET HER TO STOP ORGANIZING." "I DON'T WANT TO MOVE AGAIN." "EVERYWHERE WE GO, SHE TRIES TO RUN EVERYTHING." "THEN SHE GETS IMPATIENT WHEN THE LOCALS WON'T FOLLOW HER," "AND THEN WE LEAVE." "SO WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SOMETHING?" "WHY DIDN'T YOU TALK TO HER?" "TALK?" "WE TALKED FOR YEARS." "I THOUGHT THE LETTERS MIGHT FRIGHTEN HER," "MAKE HER-- MAKE HER COME TO ME." "WHAT'LL HAPPEN?" "THAT'LL DEPEND ON YOUR WIFE." "1959, THAT'S WHEN IT CAME TO ME." "I READ A SHORT STORY ABOUT A HALF PAWNEE, HALF SCOTSMAN." "LUKE KINCAID." "I'VE NEVER BEEN THERE, YOU KNOW." "THE WEST." "NEVER BEEN ANY FURTHER WEST THAN BRISTOL." "CAN'T FACE THE CEILIDH, HAMISH." "WELL, LUKE KINCAID WOULD GO." "WOULD HE?" "ABSOLUTELY." "( music playing )" "GETTING LIVELY IN THERE, KINCAID." "( inaudible over music )" "( song ends ) ...BECAUSE I'M SICK AND TIRED" "OF WATCHING YOU MAKE A TOTAL FOOL OF YOURSELF" "ORGANIZING OTHER PEOPLE'S LIVES FOR THEM!" "BECAUSE I WAS TOO SCARED TO TELL YOU." "TELL HER NOW." "BECAUSE I STILL LOVE YOU ENOUGH TO CARE." "YOU DIDN'T SAY." "YOU DIDN'T ASK." "COME ON, YOU TWO," "WE NEED AN EXTRA COUPLE FOR THE EIGHTSOME REEL." "WULLIE!" "( chatter ) ( song starts )" "( rhythmic clapping )" "( inaudible over music )" "( music continues )" "COME ON, JOCK." "GONNA CATCH A TROUT AND BRIBE THAT STUPID INSPECTOR." "( sighs ) MAN." "DOESN'T GET MUCH BETTER THAN THIS."