"Hello." "Allow me to introduce myself." "I am Jackie Mulchen, the executive producer in charge of all productions here at Paramount." "And before showing this picture, I thought I should at least explain." "The motion picture you're about to see isn't the run-of-the-mill film fare that has been presented to the moviegoing public of late." "It's quite easy making this type of picture, filled with love, emotion and tears." "And of course, we could easily make the space violence and horror films that are enjoyed by many peoples of the world." "But we chose to make what you're about to see." "A film based on fun." "And it's just a little different insofar as there is no story and no plot." "That's right. I said, no story, no plot." "It is actually a series of silly sequences." "Or you might say it is a visual diary of a few weeks in the life of a real nut." "And it's real silly." "Oh, put it on." "Show it to 'em." "Put it on!" "This is Walter Winchell reporting and this is Miami Beach at night." "The nights here are the same as anywhere else." "No sun." "This is the same Miami Beach, daytime." "It is just waking up, rubbing the sand out of its palms, ready for another "let's be pretty for the tourists" day, a day that could never get started without the people who provide the services" "that are required in order that the visitor is satisfied." "The people who serve are the real backbone, the people who serve and work in order that you might pay that is, play." "And of course, there are chefs, chambermaids, clerks, hostesses, waiters, doormen, bartenders, waitresses, musicians and entertainers." "But these men are the real unsung heroes of a hotel, the men who have no real direction." "They are called on day and night, for anything, from burping babies to walking the dog." "These are the men who are almost always called upon for services above and beyond the call of duty." "Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I call them men, but everyone else calls for...the bellboy." "As the bellboys break ranks, they all know where to go and what to do." "That is, most of them." "How are you?" "Here, Stanley." "Get everything out of the trunk." "George, come help me." "Hello?" "Hello?" "Hello, Mr Hartman." "How are you?" " Yes, we..." " l need a couple of guys..." "Yes, we have your trunks." "I can't hear very well." "What did you say?" "Oh, yes, of course." "We've got beautiful accommodations." "I'm sure you'll be happy with them." "We'd be delighted to see you." "Yes." "Yes, thank you." "Goodbye." " l'm Mr Carter. I have a reservation." " Yes, sir, Mr Carter." "Sign here, please." "It's nice to have you with us again." "Unfortunately, I can't stay too long." "This has to be a hit-and-run vacation." "We certainly hope you enjoy your stay." "Front boy!" "Mr Carter is in Room 625." "We certainly hope you enjoy your stay, Miss Winkly." "Front boy!" "Miss Winkly is in Room 626." "It's so nice to see you again, Mrs Hartong." "Let me help you." "You're very lucky." "We've been having wonderful weather, Mrs Hartong." "Here we go, that's it." "Easy." "That's it now." "Boy, open that bag and hang those things up in the closet." "Well, if it isn't Mrs Hartong back with us again." "I hope it isn't because of dieting again." "Don't you fret." "We'll do all we can." "But you'll have to stay away from the candy." " l know, I know." " Good." "Clerk, the key to Room 988 for Mrs Hartong, please." "I'm sure you'll be very happy in the new wing, Mrs Hartong." "I'd like to leave a forwarding address." "Certainly." "Two weeks certainly did fly by, Mrs Hartong." "They certainly did." " You look wonderful." " Thank you." "You kept away from the candy." " Goodbye, Mr Novak." "Thank you." " Goodbye." "Move that car over." "Pull it over, that's it." "Now move the other one!" "What a day I've put in." "Oh, Mrs Hartong, I didn't recognise you." "You look crazy. I mean, great." "Thank you, Carl." "Has my uncle's car arrived yet?" "Not yet, Mrs Hartong." "I'll call and check." "Thank you." "Mrs Hartong is right here." "Mrs Hartong, your uncle asked if you would please wait." "He'll be here in 20 minutes." " That'll be fine. I'll wait." " All right." "Mrs Hartong said it'll be fine." "Thank you." " Would you care to sit here?" " Thank you." "Stanley, you've been at this for 40 minutes." "Get going, will you?" "I don't mind you helping the guys." "But you've been here for over an hour." "Get back to the bell desk." "On the double!" "Stanley!" " l don't get it." " Get what?" "This kid loves his work." "Now you've got that done, please be good enough..." "Let me rephrase that." "To keep you out of mischief, set up the seats for the motion picture tonight." "Stanley, we don't talk back." "Get along, get along." "What is it?" "I've never seen you laugh so hard." "I've got Stanley on theatre seating duty." "Alone?" "How long has he been in there?" "I just sent him." "It'll take two or three days." " Let's go and watch." " OK." "Let's go." "He's fast." "Mr Novak, I'm so excited. I've never seen a movie star up close before." "Enjoy yourself." "It's Jerry Lewis." "Mother used to take me to see him when I was a kid." "He'll be here in a moment." "Be sure that all the accommodations are exactly as he ordered." "Whatever you do, be pleasant." "There he is." "Places, everybody." "Places." " No autographs, please." " Stand back, folks." "Stand back." "No autographs." "Hold it." "Hold it." "Hold it." " ls this where we register?" " Yes, sir." "Right this way." "Hold it." "Hold it!" "Hold it." "Back." "Hold it." "Hold it." "Hold it!" "Stop with the brushing." "We've been together a long time." "I've asked you many things and you've come through for me." "Now I'm asking you to hold it." "Stop pushing, stop rushing, just hold it." "We're all adults and I'll expect you all to conduct yourselves as an adult will." "Hold it. I've never asked you this but I'm asking you now, simply, purely, hold it!" "I'm a nervous wreck." "Let me have a cigarette." " Thank you." "A light?" " Yes, sir." "All right." "All right." "All right!" "Hold it." "Stop with the brushing." "Another cigarette, please." "I'll smoke it dry." "Mr Lewis, we're all excited about your appearance at the Fontainebleau." "We should be used to celebrities by now." "We've had some of the big ones staying." "Wrong Way Corrigan." "Ma Perkins." "And don't forget Bill Holden's aunt." "Bill Holden's aunt." "Yes." "I would like very much, if you don't mind, to get to my room as soon as possible." " Did you have a pleasant journey?" " Fine." "He's so funny." "This is the private entrance to the hotel." "Your suite is on the fifth floor and totally secluded. I'm sure you'll like it." "That's wonderful." " He's always good for a laugh." " He sure is funny." "I would like the seclusion and privacy." "I had a terrible mishap a week ago in the family." "An aunt died and..." "Nothing like a laugh!" "He sure is funny!" " Would you care to register, Mr Lewis?" " l'd like to register and go to the room." "All right!" "I need another card." "It's all right." "You may register in your suite." "This way." "Thank you very much. I..." "Back, back!" "Back!" "We're gonna go in the elevator and we're gonna go single file like nice people." " Remember, hold it." "Leon?" " Yes, chief?" " Who are all these people?" " They all work for you." "Who's the guy with the straw hat?" "He's the guy that tells you who we are." "That's good. I wouldn't have known." "I got such a bunch of people." "This is a very nice room." "Where's the bed?" "Oh, it's the elevator." "Wait, don't push." "That's it." "Just file in." "Move to your left." "That's it." "Now let me get in." "Let me get into the side." "That's it." "Get off." "You're stepping on my suede..." "Will you stop with the brushing?" "I'm awfully sorry, Ben." "These people are just so overanxious." "I appreciate it." "You've got to have your staff." "I've got a barber and a gardener and people assisting me." "When I do the shows I try my best to do what I can to perform and I need the elements and all of these people function for me..." "Stop brushing." " Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" " Yeah." "But there couldn't be two of them." "Right?" "Right." "Hey, Stanley couldn't be a Clark Kent, could he?" "Don't be silly." "But he could be a Lamont Cranston." "Bell captain." "He didn't?" "I'm sorry, sir." "Yes, sir, right away." "Front boy." "That brown rawhide bag goes up to the Lewis entourage." "On the double." "Stanley." "On the double!" " There you are." " For me, Mr Berle." "Yes, ma'am." "There are a lot of autograph hounds." "Mr Berle, my little daughter sings." "She sings every time the neighbours come over." "What should I do?" "Move." "Deliver this to Milton Berle right away." " Thank you." " You're welcome." " Please?" " Sure, young lady." "You know, you look like a girl I know from New York." "Were you ever...?" "Just a minute, son." "Are you down here with your mother?" "Your mother's down here with you?" "Just a minute, son, please." "There you are, young lady." "Would you do me a favour?" "You must learn never to interrupt anybody when they're busy." "I don't care what you want to say, but you must learn etiquette, politeness." "Don't look over there." "Look at me." "Be a good boy." "Never interrupt people." "The rudest thing to do is to interrupt people when they're trying to..." "Oh, you have a message for me." "I'm sorry. I didn't know." "Here's a tip." "Milton." "Hi, Milt." "What's the matter?" " Milty?" " You wouldn't believe it." "You wouldn't believe it." "Milton, what's the matter?" " Message for Jerry Lewis." " Right here, boy." " Mr Lewis." " Yes?" "Thank you." "What's the trouble, sir?" "Nothing." "You wouldn't understand or believe it." "There's a lot of kooks in this hotel." "Straighten up there!" "Let's go." " Where's Stanley?" " l don't know." " We said we'd wait for him." " We'll miss the first race." "Stanley, the races go on in 20 minutes." "You're off duty now." " We'll talk later." "Let's go." " Go get dressed." "Let's go." "We'll meet you outside." " Where's Stanley now?" " Who knows?" " Let's go." " We're late already." "He's a speedy boy!" "What do you think, Herkie?" "I can't make up my mind." "How about you, Dave?" "I'm thinking." "Sonny, how does it look to you?" "Well, I don't know." "Looks like our friend Flicka has vanished again." " Where did this kid go?" " He probably went to make a bet." "I don't have to go nowhere to bet he's into mischief." "Attention, please." "May we have your attention?" "Due to circumstances beyond our control we have to cancel the first race." "We are very sorry." "Please make your bets for the second race and all the first race bets will be refunded at the windows." "Thank you." "Locker room. ls Stanley down there?" "OK." "Thank you." "Have you seen Stanley out there by the pool?" "All right." "Thanks a lot." "Coffee shop." "Have you seen Stanley?" "Which Stanley?" "The only Stanley in the world." "is there anything I can do for you, sir?" "Front boy!" "Stanley, take over for a few minutes. I'll be right back." "All right." "What's the matter with you?" "You've seen pretty girls before." "We've had model conventions before." "When these girls are here in this hotel, they're treated like any other guest." "What you do during working hours is our business." "And what you do after working hours is our business." "Don't fool around." "Remember, no girl is that important." "I think." "Mr Novak, you know I'm very faithful to this hotel and to you." "I do my job and keep from bothering you with a lot of petty annoyances." "Today, something happened I've got to tell you about." "When the models convention came into the hotel, the bellhops lined up and as the models came in, every single bellhop grabbed a girl." "They jumped out of line, grabbed a girl." "Every single one of them had a girl." "Except me, and I think it's pretty darn unfair." "I keep telling you, I keep telling you, I keep telling you, and I keep telling you, stop spending money." "I'll stop spending money when you stop spending money." "Don't live my life for me." "I wouldn't, except that I have to live it with you." " Shut it!" " Shut what?" " Your big mouth." " My big mouth?" "If you measured it, you'd find my mouth is just a pinhole compared to the Holland Tunnel you've got." " You asked for it." " Don't hit my husband." "Young dog." "Where do you come off, butting in on our business?" "Don't you dare!" "How dare you?" "Busybody, nosy." "Mind your own business." "Come on, honey." "Don't pay any attention to him." "He don't know what he's talking about." "My darling!" "I'm telling you, either you see to it that your men are dressed neatly and clean or there's going to be trouble." "We're not running a gymnasium." "This is a very high-class hotel." " Do you understand?" " Yes, sir." " l'll say it again." "Neat, clean, nice." " Yes, sir." "Good taste, good clothes, refinement, distinction." "That is very, very important." "Put this in my cabana." "Bell captain." "No, sir, I'm sorry, you'll have to call room service." "Company, halt!" " Left face!" " Left face!" "This will be a half-hour break." "March!" "Hup, hup, hup!" "Bell captain." "Sit down." "There's no one there." "What do you want?" "A green light?" "Sit down and eat your food." "And shut up!" "As I was saying, when someone pushes you around and keeps pushing you around, soon you're not gonna be round to get pushed around." " Bravo." "Bravo!" " You're always right, boss." "Remember what I'm telling you." "Go tell Dead Eye to take it easy or else it's gonna be very hot." "I think you're wrong." "We're not gonna get anywhere with muscling anybody." "Things today are different than they were." "Why can't you just be sweet?" ""Can't you just be sweet?" l don't want to be sweet!" "I want to be the way I always was - miserable." "I want to be like they say on television, "an ornery critter"." "Now remember what I'm telling you." "Get hold of Dead Eye and kick a hole in his chest." "Knock his brains out, bite his jugular vein." "And remember one thing." "No violence." "Here's a kid with an honest face." "Tell me, am I right or are they right?" "There, you see?" "I'm right." "That's what I like." "A kid what's got class." "Esther, if we don't get a room I'm getting the first plane back to New York in the morning." "I'm completely exhausted." "You and your bright ideas." "I don't blame you, but it wasn't my fault they didn't receive the telegram." "Look, Dottie, I have an idea." "That old boyfriend of mine, Bob Clayton?" "He's a bell captain here. I bet he can find accommodations for us." "You just relax." "I'll be back in a minute." "OK?" "Stanley!" "I couldn't care less about your problems." "I've got a very responsible position." "I'm in charge of all the transportation for this hotel." "Yes, I know, but..." "Look, I don't give a darn." "We're going to work this thing out..." "Either you do it the way I say or you can come here and we'll try to straighten it out, sir." "Yes, sir, thank you very much." " Mr Novak, about this call..." " Never mind." "This is more important." "We're responsible for the actions of your boys." "At all times, you are to see to it that they conduct themselves in a manner befitting a man wearing the uniform of the Fontainebleau!" "Count on me." "I'll keep them out of the strip joints if it's the last thing I do." "And now, friends and folks, we're glad to present those terrific fellas, the Novelites." "Howdy, neighbours. it's sure good this evening. I got a surprise for you." "I brought a couple of kinfolk along." "On my right is my old happy cousin, Smiley McCoy." "Come out, Smiley boy." "Doggone, it's sure good to see you, you little maverick, you." "Doggone, you're looking mighty fine, Smiley boy." "Do me a favour." "Take a step forward." "These are nice people sitting out here." "Don't be afraid." "Take yourself a step forward." "Tell you what to do, Smiley." "Take a big old step forward and give the folks..." " Ah-ah!" " Oh, God." "Just take a step forward." "That ain't too much." "Take a little bitty step forward and give them your Arthur Murray smile." "We're gonna feature Zeke on the guitar." "He's gonna take hold of that guitar and twang it for you." "Gonna grab that guitar, he gon' twang it for ya..." "As a matter of fact, he's gonna take hold of that little old guitar, folks, he gonna twang-twang it for you." "Grab guitar, twang-twang a little bit!" "I tell you, he gonna grab hold of that guitar down there, twist it up, tune it up, gonna twang-twang-twang it for you!" "Grab it, gonna twangy-twang-twang!" " Look, I'm trying..." " Ah!" "What's the matter?" "He's gonna grab that guitar, gonna twang-feet it for you!" "Flang-flip-wibba-bum!" "We're about set do a song entitled "The Alabama Jubilee"." " You ready there?" " Ready." "And here's the little doll you've all been waiting for, Rock Candy!" "I can't tell you how upset I am about this." "You're upset?" "I have to go to New York and do a TV show." "Relax, Mr Sedley, relax." "Relax, my eye. I'm going to find out who did this terrible thing to me." "He has ruined my entire career." "You can sit here, son." "It's OK." "Sit here. I'm through." "Hi, Stanley." "Hey, gang!" "There's a crazy guy having lunch down the bottom of the pool." "Take a look!" "Front boy." "Stanley, see that steamer trunk?" "Go down there and get me..." "Stanley, you never let me finish what I'm going to say." "If you had listened, you would know that I did not want the steamer trunk." "I wanted what was on the steamer trunk." "If you'd listened and waited, you'd have found out that I wanted the hatbox that was sitting on the steamer trunk." "You dashed away before you gave me a chance to explain." "Go , put the steamer trunk back and get me the hatbox that is sitting on..." "Stanley!" "...that is sitting on the steamer trunk." "All right, go..." "Stanley!" "Thank you, Stanley." "Would you like a bite?" "This is delicious." "Greatest apples in the world." "Only one place you get these apples." "You go down here...make a left." "Sure you don't want...?" "Just wonderful." "Mother, I've been here almost six weeks, and all I've been able to do so far is go to the movies, and alone, or just sit around the pool." "What, Mother?" "No, there aren't any nice young people I'd like to go out with." "They're either after my money or they just want to drive my Rolls-Royce." "So until I find a nice, quiet, unassuming someone who's only interested in me and not my millions, I'll have to go to the movies." "Because remember, Mother, movies are your best entertainment." "Give my best to everyone in Australia." "All right, Mother, be well, and I'll call you again in ten minutes." "Goodbye." "Where were you when I needed you?" "Get your hand off." "Am I to understand the suite for Mr and Mrs Manville isn't ready?" " l'm sorry." " Where are they?" "Right over there, sir." "Mr and Mrs Manville, sorry the suite wasn't ready when you arrived." "That's perfectly all right, Mr Novak." "We understand, but we won't for long." "Speak for yourself. I'm anxious to get to the room and open my presents." "Please, hold on a little longer." "Your suite will be ready in half an hour." "Couldn't we have one room in 1 5 minutes?" "I'll check again, Mrs Manville." "What difference does it make?" "We're content, aren't we?" "Of course, Ferdinand, but we were engaged for 1 3 years." "Now that we're married..." "We're all set. lf you just follow me, I'll show you to your suite." " Oops." " Oh, God." "Oh, my back!" "Oh, my back!" "Mr Clayton, how did this happen?" "All I know is that Stanley spilled something and was waxing it over..." "Oh, my back." "I understand, but did you call the valet?" "Oh, I see." "He must be making his rounds." "In that case, if you just call him again..." "Yes, sir, I see." "We'll have a boy up there right away." "Thank you." "Front boy!" "87 7, Mr Wheal, pick up." "Take these pants and have them pressed right away." "I have a heavy date tonight and I'll give you a heavy tip." "No, dear." "But I only..." "But you only..." "Yes, dear." "Once again, this is Barney Shank at the 1 8th green, bringing you the final minutes of this exciting $25,000 Open with the two finalists, Jack Keller and Dr Cary Middlecoff." "Middlecoff is making his approach." "Here goes the backswing and the ball is lofted high in the air." "It's going in... lt must be about three feet away." "A beautiful, beautiful approach shot." "Just gorgeous." "Beautiful day for the game today." "It's very still, very quiet." "Everyone most anxious." "Here's Jack Keller putting." "There it goes. lt was beautiful." "That putt put Jack Keller even with Dr Cary Middlecoff." "If Cary Middlecoff makes this putt, it's like shooting fish in a barrel for old Dead Eye Middlecoff." "It will mean the 1 8-hole playoff tomorrow for the big $25,000 purse." "This has certainly been a gorgeous day today." "And there's a lot of money depending on this next putt, folks." "A lot of money." "Now the crowd is all settled." "No one is even breathing." "He's lining up the putt." "He sets himself." "And ladies and gentlemen, here is the big one." " Hi, Bob." " Hi, Hal." "You're a little late." "Yeah, I had a big date." "Just me, the chick and the full moon." " Now you hit me where l live." " You mean the chick?" "No, no, the full moon." "You know how I am about that astronomy jazz." "An old Greek astronomer said that when the man in the moon is smiling, all the stars and planets are swinging." "Mercury warms up a little bit more." "Jupiter starts jumping." "Venus puts on a new hairdo or manicure." "All the stars and planets are having a great, big party up there in the sky." "Sylvia, get up." "The sun is shining and it's a beautiful day." "Are you crazy?" "It's 3.30 in the morning." "For the money it's costing, we'll take the sun whenever they give it to us." "Stanley, Mr Novak wants to see you, on the double." "Check on that shipment." "And send that wire to New York. lt's important." "Hello?" "Oh, the senator." "Senator Tyson." "Yes, put him on." "Just a moment." "Go to the airport." "The captain of the National Airlines jet just flew in." "He left his briefcase in the cockpit of the plane." "Go and get it." "It's at Gate 39." "Hurry up." "Go on, go on." "Hello, Senator." "How are you?" "Last call for passengers, Flight 1 04 for Chicago and Los Angeles." "Now loading Gate 5." "Last call for passengers, Flight 1 04 for Chicago and Los Angeles." "Now loading Gate 5." "Last call." "We are sorry we cannot accommodate you but shall be happy to be of service in the future." "Cordially yours..." "Hello?" "Yes, this is Mr Novak." "Yes." "Sorry, we have 3,000 employees." "I couldn't know every one of them." "Oh, Stanley?" "Yes, he works for me." "He what?" "I just saw one man on the floor." "Where is everybody?" "They're inside having a meeting at the round table." "Looks like trouble." "I say one thing." "Striking is a matter of principle." "Then let the principles strike." "The seating at separate tables, no fraternisation." "And the bell captain and his storm trooper tactics." "What we do after work is our business, not theirs." "You're right." "They shouldn't tell us to stay out of strip joints. I like strippers." "Remember, fellas, the decision must be made now." "A-ha!" "So you're the ringleader." "I've caught you at last." "I thought you were a nice, quiet young man, and I find you're just a troublemaker." "This is how you treat me." "You ought to be ashamed of yourself." "I've given you a home away from home." "Yes, I have, you know I have." "And this is the way you repay me." "You're nothing but a strike creator." "Yes, a troublemaker, an instigator, a picket-plugger, yes, you are." "Stop shaking your head." "What's the matter with you." "Can't you talk?" "Certainly I can talk. I suspect I can talk as well as any other man, Mr Novak." "In that case...how is it we never heard you talk before?" "Because no one ever asked me." "So you see?" "There was no story." "But there is a moral, and a simple one." "You'll never know the next guy's story...unless you ask."