"This blows." "If I wanted to spend a Saturday handling heavy sacks" "I would've stayed married to Stanley!" "You tricked us, Grace." "You said, they were casting for a sitcom called "A Gay Guy Two Hags and a Laundromat."" "Look, look, the washer in my apartment has been broken for two months." "I'm desperate." "You have enough underwear to last you two months?" "What is this place?" "It's pretty." "Where are the fish?" "No, Karen." "It is a "laundry-mat."" "People come here to clean their clothes Then, they reuse them." "Why, poor people are just plain clever." "I wonder why they can't figure out a way to make more money." "You've never been to a laundromat before?" "What--why am I surprised?" "Last week at the post office, you kept tapping on the window and feeding peanuts to the clerk." "Why, there's so much real-life I've never experienced." "Sectional sofas for sale..." "missing cats... battered women shelters..." "Fun!" "Honey, look at me I'm finally using the Internet!" "Yeah!" "Ooh, and here's someone looking for a roommate." "Hey, should I get a roommate?" "Yes." "But don't have sex with him." "And when you do have sex with him have sex with him a lot." "Wow, I've really been missing out." "I'm gonna call this Liz non-smoker." "She sounds nice." ""Must have own sheets." She's got a good sense of humor." "Hey, brought you some more change." "I tell you, you walk down Columbus Avenue with two rolls of quarters in your pocket you get a lot of attention." "Thanks." "Now, what's happening on your feet?" "I think she's talking about your shoes, Heidi." "What?" "They're clogs They're good for your back." "They're good for the back of your closet." "You know what, the hell with both of you." "I like 'em." "I'm gonna wear 'em." "Damn it!" "I fell off my clog!" "Not funny, I think I did something bad to my foot." "Well, you did that when you put the clogs on this morning!" "Will called from the doctor I guess he actually sprained something." "So I guess it's just going to be you and me for the good old-fashioned folding' party." "Grace, just because you say the words "good old-fashioned,"" "doesn't make it a party." "Even though I made a good old-fashioned folding' party mix tape?" "Okay, now it's a party." "Do you see?" "Do you see why it's a party?" " Hey, what's the big idea?" " It is such a great song" "I think we should save it for sock bundling." "You know, we would never have this much fun if Will were here." "You know, he practically ruined my good old-fashioned find-the-bad-smell party." "Why does he always have to be in such a bad mood?" "With those" " With those angry arms." "Stop taking my money!" "Stop leaving crumbs on the carpet!" "Stop making fun of my angry arms!" "Yup, sometimes he could be a little mean and intense." "Wow." "Do you think he'd ever kill us?" "No, come on It's Will." "Maybe you should move your glass off the coffee table." "Pick up the glass!" "Wipe down the ring!" "You're right, first he sees The Ring, and then we die!" "Hey, what're you guys doing?" "I-I-it's a good old-fashioned folding party." "It was Grace's idea!" "Take her, she has funny genitals!" "A good old-fashioned folding party?" "Why is it all you have to do is add "good old-fashioned" to something and you got yourself a good time." "I hope you saved the fitted sheet for me." "It's fun to pretend it's a giant shower cap." "Are--are you okay?" "Yeah." "Oh, I mean I was" " I was in a lotta pain." "But then, the doctor gave me these painkillers, and I feel a lot better." "About everything, actually." "Oh!" "No good." "Wow." "Cheery Will I like it." "Unless he's cheery because he's back there loading his gun!" "So I had this apartment to myself for 10 years because I was having an affair with my boss." "And he paid half the rent so we'd have some place nice to "do it."" "But then he got murdered." "And I-I couldn't really afford it on my own." "So what's your story?" "Well, since my marriage ended I've been living at The Palace." "And even though I've made a lot of swell friends, it's lonely." "I wanna... a real home with, um, with real people." "I mean, you're real, right?" "Super real." "Okay, true or false?" "I'm easy to live with." " True." " False." "I'm a nitpicker supreme." "I think it comes from all my years as a professional in the music biz." "You're in music?" "Yeah, I-I didn't want to put it on the ad because then, you know you just get a bunch of wannabes knocking on the door" "I'm an office manager for the company that does those collections you see on T.V." "You know, Hits of the '80s, Ladies of the '80s" "Rock Ballads of the '80s." "The '90s." "Well, I can see why you'd wanna keep that a secret, Liz." "I mean, you must never know if people are really liking you just for you or the '80s hits." "So, um, you should know that you know" "I-I like things done a certain way." "Just ask Melissa and Keith." "They work under me." "Like, if they're five minutes late for work, I look at my watch..." "I look at them..." "and they just get it." "Oh!" "Oh, my God." "I totally just bragged." "Please tell me to shut up." "Cut to me still talking about myself." "Um, Liz..." "I know we haven't known each other very long but I think that you might be just about the most interesting person I've ever met." " I could learn tons from you." " Okay, okay, true or false?" " I think you're great" " Um..." "False." " True!" " Oh, this game is so hard!" "Oh, Jack." "Look, have you seen Will?" "I've been tryin' him for a couple of days and he hasn't returned my calls." "Yeah, I think he's home." "He didn't go to work?" "Is he all right?" "Is his ankle worse?" "Grace, I'm trying to run a business." "Hey, sweetie." "Look!" "TiVo saved all the "American Idols" for me." "I love Paula Abdul." "And I love that we live in a world that would give a Paula Abdul a second chance." " Uh, why aren't you at work?" " Oh, I'm sick." "My ankle still hurts." "Oh, have you ever seen "King of Queens"?" "It's funny sometimes!" "But I don't really believe that she'd stay with him..." "Or do I?" "No, I don't think I do." "Well, I don't have to settle this right now." "Oh, hey!" "I made cookies." "Oh, thanks, sweetie." "Oh, boy." "There's chocolate on the carpet." "I'm sorry." "What a mess." " Eh, leave it." " Okay, now you're freakin' me out!" "There are crumbs on the carpet your robe doesn't match your socks and, oh, my God there's no product in your hair!" "I'm calling 9-1-1!" "I'm fine." "You know I-I got those nice little pills." " Ooh, better call in a refill." " Already?" "Little secret: if you cheat and take 'em a little closer together you can avoid the pain completely." "It's even pretty effective in squashing the lingering ache from having to work so hard for my mother's affection making it nearly impossible for any man to love me enough to make up for the hole she left in my heart." "That may have been the greatest day of my life." "I love errands." "They're like mini adventures for undesirables." "Okay, so your half of the bill is $30.45 and don't try rounding it down like my last roommate 'cause that is just "F'd up."" "Well, you don't have to worry about me, Liz." "I intend to pull my own weight around here." "Now, did you take a look at the chore wheel?" "Because you're in charge of emptying the ant traps and organizing the CD tower." "How did I go my whole life without ever learning any of those words?" "Karen!" "You shouldn't have bought this cheesecake." "I'm, like, totally eating healthy this week." "Cut to me eating this whole cheesecake." "Oh, Liz." "I love when you do "cut to me."" "Everybody does." "Oh, Lizzie." "I rented us a video." "You are going to get me into so much trouble." "If you're lucky." " You're crazy." " Like a fox." " I doubt it." " You wish." " Don't I ever." " You and what army?" "I'm so glad we're roomies." "You know, I've lived with men practically my whole life." "I didn't know what I was missing." "I mean, the bond that can grow when two single gals share a tacky apartment with too many clocks and vanilla candles." "You know what, Karen?" "Guys just mess everything up..." "Or get murdered." "We are strong independent career women." " We don't need men to make us happy." " You said it, sister" "So you wanna go see if we can get laid?" "Totally." " That's weird." " Looking for these, Miss Taylor?" "What're you doing here?" "Give me those." "No." "We're not going to let you do this to yourself." "We think you have a problem And we ate all your Mueslix." " Who's "we"?" " We wanna help you, Will." " Get out of my apartment!" " No." "You have a problem." "You have got to get off gotta get off this merry-go-round." " I want those pills!" "I have pain!" " Effie, we all got pain!" "Look, we understand." "You're an elderly gay man with a poochie tummy and an unappealing personality." "Why wouldn't you be in pain?" "I" " Wait a minute, those aren't even my pills." "Those are just old antibiotics." "They are?" "Crack whores are sneaky!" "Oh, wait, look!" "These pills have become a crutch." "And these crutches have become a coat rack." "Damn, you're right." "Okay, we'll do it your way." "I'll just, uh... bring in the paper and we'll make a pot of coffee..." "Start a whole new day." " We're good friends." " Smart of us to catch on." " He's not coming back, right?" " No, no, I don't think so." "Thanks, Tony." "That's Tony." "When I first start coming here I thought he was gross." "Cut to me flat on my back on his futon." "God, this is great." "Casual sex, mookie bartenders, dirty futons..." "This is the stuff of life I'm gonna get an S.T.D. tonight!" " Man, I am so buzzed." " You wanna French?" "Not right now." "I got my eye on this guy." "I think he's really into me or at least he's gonna be." "I got my eye on some one too." "Let me look for him." "There he is!" "Kurt!" " Wait, you can't like him." "I like him." " But I like him too." "Well you have to back off." "Because it's the first rule of being a good roommate." " You can't go after the same guy." " Then why don't you back off?" " Because I saw him first." " How do you know?" " How do you know I didn't?" " Damn, your street smarts." " I'm going for him." " I'm going for him too!" " Hey, Kurt, mind if I join you?" " Well, I'm kinda dancing with her." "Or would you rather be dancing with an office manager?" " You know, I was here." " And now you're gone." "Hey, Kurt, check this out." "Hey, Kurt, look at me!" " Here I am." "I'm your lady, Kurt." " Take it, take it." "Kurt, have you been working out?" " Wait, you're not Kurt!" " You're not Kurt either!" "Now look what you've done." "Me?" "!" "You scared him off with your big boobies and your weird bisexual vibe." "He was into me!" "No one's into you." "You're an oddly confident 40-year-old secretary." "I'm a professional in the music business with two people working under me." "Melissa and Keith hate you!" " Take it back!" " No!" "Yes!" "Oh!" "You ripped it This is everybody's favorite top on me!" "Who's "everybody"?" "Melissa and Keith?" "They hate you!" "Come on, feel good buddy." "I know there's one in here." "Damn tic-tacs!" " Will, stop." " Get outta here." "We are not leaving!" "The pain is in your head, Will!" "And now you're hooked on the junk!" "I fell off my clog!" "At some point, every one falls off their clogs but you gotta get back on your clogs and work through the pain." "And even though you may wanna take off your clogs again you gotta keep 'em on." "Will." "Let me show you something It's not going to be pretty." "Come on." "Come on, man!" "Look at yourself." "Now, look at me." "I am adorable." "Now back to you." "You look awful!" "I look the same." "Outta my way, you're blocking my view." "Will, you have to face it." "You're not yourself." "You haven't been to work in three days." "You threw your dry cleaning on a chair." "You told your mother that you'd call her back." "And then... you did." "My God, what's happened to me?" "You know, of all my bad roommate experiences this has been the third worst." "That born-again Asian queen with a guinea pig was a better roommate than you!" "Yeah?" "Well, of all the bars I've ever been kicked out of that one had the best onion blossom." "News flash:" "I want you out." "You're a sucky roommate!" "What?" "You mean you're gonna end our friendship over some man in Dockers with Red Bull breath?" "I could've loved him." "I want you to write me a check for the rest of the month's rent and get out." "You know, I just wanted to try a new experience." "Make it out to the landlord "Walker Property Management."" "Oh, and add on $1.09 You ate one of my yogurts." "Let's see, how do I break this to you?" "True or false?" "I own this building." "True." "Yeah, I am Walker Property Management and I think I want you out." "Wait a minute!" "We're roommates." "We're friends, we could be lovers I'll take that French now." "Sorry Lizzy Boredom you've left me no choice." "That's right, cut to you..." "living in a dumpster." "Feeling any better?" "Yeah." "I'm sorry." "I don't know what happened to me." "I was really out of control." "But I guess I had to hit rock bottom before I could admit I had a problem." "Will." "It was three days." "Really?" "God I was so whacked out it seemed like a long weekend."