"See, now this is called the-severed-finger-in-a-box trick." "See, you just slide your finger up in the bottom and then voilà." "Cool." " Good morning, everyone." " Hey, what's up, C?" "Watch and learn." "Hey, Carlton, what's up, man?" "You know, I was out so I picked a little something up for you." "Will, how sweet." "Ha, ha, ha." "Ow!" "Let's get Geoffrey." "I don't know." "I'll give it a try but I've been trying to get G for years, he don't fall for nothing." "Hey, G. You know, man, I was out and I was thinking about you, you know so I picked a little something up for you." "I'm looking for Geoffrey." " I'm Geoffrey." " Then you must be my father." "Well, he fell for that." "Let's have it, what's your name, boy?" "Where are you from?" "And where'd you get that outstanding cashmere jacket?" "I know this is quite a shock." "I'm sorry for startling you, Father." "Let's put a pin in this father thing for the time being." "I'm sure you're a nice enough lad, but I have no son." "So let's see, the YMCA is downtown." "Open for business." "There's a church next door." "If you sit through a sermon you can eat for free." "Bye-bye." "Ta-ta." "Cheerio." "Wait, I can prove it." "You're allergic to peanuts." "Many are." "Your middle name is Barbara." "Lucky guess." "Barbara?" "It's a family name." "Okay." "You have a tattoo of the Queen Mum on your..." "Oh, my God." "How can Geoffrey be your dad if he was never married?" "Okay, I'll talk to him." "Well, you see, Nicky, sometimes the stork's arms get real tired, right?" "He pretty much leave the baby wherever he at." " Will." "All right." "Get." "Thank you." "Well, Nicky, sometimes the stork's map gets all scrunched up." "Sorry, I should explain." "My name is Frederick Vickers." "Penelope's your mother?" " So it's true?" " Well, we were married." "Briefly." "But we had no children." "That's right, G. Stick to your story, man." "At least till the blood test come out, man." " Don't tell him nothing." " Will." "Will." "By the time Mom knew she was pregnant, you'd already left for America." "But everything turned out fine." "We live in a small flat in Kensington." "I enjoy riding, cricket and books about the sea." "Yo, he got the same interests as Miss July." "Well, it was nice meeting you, but I should be going." " I need to check into a motel for the night." " Motel?" "Nonsense." "I insist you stay here." "My house is your house." "That is, my room and half a shelf in the refrigerator." "Yeah, at least stay for dinner." "Of course he can stay, Geoffrey." "In the pool house with us." "It'll be fun." "We'll stay up late, play Clue and try on each other's jackets." "Heh, heh, heh." "I think it sounds like a ripping good time." "Say, do you have any Tom Jones records?" "Do I?" "Hilary, if I didn't know any better I'd say you were reading." "I am." "This is fascinating." " What's it about?" " Me." "Frederick's arrival's made me wanna look into my own past, you know?" "Look at all of this." "It's all me." "I have enough stuff here to write a book." " Kind of a riches-to-riches story, huh?" " Ha, ha, ha." "Ugh..." "Oh, look at this picture from my kindergarten class." "Oh, I was darling, wasn't I?" "Aw, you sure were." "Heh, heh, heh." "Who is this poor little homely child next to me?" "Uh, sweetheart, that was you." "What?" "You always said..." "The first time you looked at these, you cried so hard that we lied to you." "We said you were the cute little girl next to you." "But eventually, your teeth straightened out and you grew into your nose, just like we said." "You mean, you lied to me?" "You told me I was pretty when I wasn't?" " Well..." " Thank you." "You really do love me." " Geoffrey, are you all right?" " Never better, sir." " What is all this stuff?" " Oh, they're for Frederick." "Transformers." "They're on special." "A mitt." "A football." "A tool set." "And, just in case, a book on interior design." "Geoffrey, I hate to break this to you, but you're about 10 years too late." "Boys Frederick's age don't play with toys." "Ooh!" "Transformers." "I've been looking for Razorbeast since, like, October." "I must admit, sir, I'm at a loss." "You've raised four children." "Well, five if you include..." "Bow before Razorbeast or I will crush you." "I just don't know what to do first." "Geoffrey, I have known you for years." "You will be a great father." "But, sir, I don't know anything about him." "I don't know what his interests are." "I don't even know whether he would prefer a loose or a firm pleat." "Geoffrey, you will have plenty of time to find everything out." "Had I known I was a father, I would've known all this." " I would have been there." " I know you would have." "I'm so nervous." "I just don't want to let him down." "Geoffrey, you will do fine." "Just be yourself." "Does that mean I don't have to play catch?" " That's right." " Oh, good." "Then he doesn't have to know his dad throws like a girl." "Since Frederick is a guest of honor tonight I insist that you join us for dinner." " Oh, very kind of you, sir." "Yeah, yeah." "Sit on down." "Sit on down." "Okay." "Perhaps I should join you after dinner." "Great." "That way we can eat." "That would be better." "There you go." "Ha, ha, ha." "Have you noticed how Father holds that dish perfectly balanced in his right hand with his fingers just barely steadying it?" "Superb, Father." "England must be really boring." "I think it's so great you're not embarrassed that your father has to do this stuff in people's lives that's too disgusting for them to do themselves." "No offense, Geoffrey." "None taken, Miss Hilary." "I always consider the source." "How sweet." "Heh." "You know, Father, being in service is something I've always dreamed of." " May I?" " Certainly, son." ""Son." I do like the sound of that." "I know I can't match your expertise." "I owe it all to my training at the Cambridge Academy of Butlering." "Ah, to be a CAB grad and wear the school colors, black and white." "Perhaps one day we can work together." "No." "CAB is very expensive." "No, it's a dream that shall never be." "I wanna be a butler too." "No, you don't." "Thanks for taking me with you." "You had gorgeous women literally climbing all over you today." "You're even better than Will." "How'd you do it?" "Well, I'm sure the ladies were merely charmed by my accent." "Man, you gotta teach me how to talk that English stuff." "No problem, Jazz." "I hope I didn't cramp your style today, Will." "Who me?" "Man, I got plenty of honeys to choose from." "Shoot." "You know, in England we call pool "snooker."" "Snooker." "Ha, ha, ha." "Man, the way this guy talk cracks me up." "What y'all people call this?" "A clock." ""A clock." Heh, heh, heh." "I gotta remember that." "Hey, yo, pizza." "Sixteen bucks without tip." "All right." " Ah, man, I don't have no money." " Ditto." "Unfortunately, I'm down to my last penny." "All right." "Excuse me one second, bro." "I gotta go check my super secret stash." " All right, come on." "Assume the position." " Oh, come on, Will." "You know the routine." " You ain't special." "Fall in line, Brit boy." " Oh, sorry." "Gotta go find my money" "All right, y'all can look now." "There you go, 16 bucks without tip." "Peace." "Mm-mm-mm." "Two jumbos with extra jalapeños and pineapples." " Come on." "We got to rock this by the pool." "Cool." "I mean, that sounds like ripping fun." "Ha, ha, ha." "I shall join you fellows out there shortly." "I have to avail myself of the bathroom." ""The bathroom."" "Damn, I gotta learn how to speak that language." "We'll be out by the pool, man." "Yo, Freddy Boom-Boom, man, we about..." "Oh, hello, I was just looking for your bathroom." " What you got there, man?" " Pardon me?" "Give me my money, man." "I don't know what you're talking about." "Hey, you took my money out from under that plant." "Give it here." "I have no idea what you're referring to." "Let me see if we can jog your memory up in here." "Fine." "What were you going to do?" "Beat me up?" "Oh, no." "I'm about to beat you down." "Let's go, boy." "Come on." "Come on." "Ah!" "Ugh!" "Boy, let me tell you." "You are so lucky that you Geoffrey's son." "Ah." "I'm glad it finally comes in handy for something." " Don't be talking about your pop like that." " My father of two days?" " Your servant?" " I thought you wanted to be just like him." "Oh, please." "Me be a butler, serving the likes of you?" "Now you made it personal." "Go ahead, hit me." "No." "That's too easy." "I'm gonna tell your father what kind of son he has." "Go ahead, break his heart." " Y'all seen Frederick?" " Yeah." "In the kitchen with Geoffrey." "Hil, I need to talk to you for a second." "Now, look, what if you knew something that you really needed to tell somebody but you knew if you told them it would hurt them?" "Maybe even break their heart." "Oh, no." "I haven't grown into my nose." "Teaspoon." "Soupspoon." "Salad fork." "Dinner fork." "Frederick, my man." "Pip-pip." "You look like an ass." "I'll have you know this is a bona fide British bowler and bumbershoot." "I don't know which is which, but I paid good money for the set." "I cannot believe you sweating this fool." "I saw him stealing money out from under my secret plant." "Will, just for my edification, what plant would that be now?" "Carlton, did you hear what I said?" "You just can't get over the fact that there's a couple new guns in town." "I say, old bloke, what do you say we squire ourselves down to the local pub and chat up some birds?" " What?" "Wanna get a drink after dinner?" "By Jove, that was a jolly good meal." " You see this fork?" "Yeah." "If you don't stop talking like that it's gonna be in your leg." "Frederick, finding out that you are my son has been one of the greatest joys of my life." "And knowing that you wish to follow in my footsteps has made me a very happy man." " So if you wish to go to the Academy..." " Oh, Father, more than anything." "Perhaps this check for your tuition will show you how I feel." "Oh." "Oh!" "Whoa!" "You're going to make a blooming good butler." "Ow!" "Pip-pip." "Cheerio." "Carlton, where is he?" "Where is he?" "Oh, who scraped the icing off your cupcake?" "Carlton, I've been going over this in my mind." "G has got to know about his son." "Where is that little thief?" "Oh, Will, will you stop with these crazy allegations?" "First he tried to rob me." "Now he's trying to stick it to G." " Where is he?" " Will, the money is for his education." "He don't wanna go to no butler school." "I'm not asking again, where is he?" "Will, cool your jets, mister." "You're all over the map." "Carlton, where is he?" "Where is he?" "I think he went to go get his suitcase repaired." " What are you talking about?" " He's gone and so is his suitcase." "That's the only logical explanation." "Carlton, man, he left." "Come on, we gotta stop him." "Fine, but you're only gonna be making a fool of yourself." "Frederick is trustworthy." "Hey, my bowler's gone." "That limey thief." " His flight leaves in about five minutes." " Right behind you." " Hold on there, sport." " Carlton, I gotta go to the gate, man." "Go back through." " Empty your pockets." " I don't have anything in my pockets." "I think you're gonna have to come with me." "Hey!" "Last call for boarding Air Britain Flight 1420 to London." "What's up, man?" "What, no goodbye?" "No, "Let's keep in touch"?" "I thought you were such a gentleman." "Give me that check right now." "It's not yours." "This has nothing to do with you, Will." "This is between me and my father." "What, were you just sitting around one day sipping tea and crumpets and just decided:" ""Hey, I'm gonna fly halfway around the Earth to go steal from the father that I don't even know"?" "I don't call it stealing." "I call it getting what's owed to me." "Now, if you'll excuse me, my plane is boarding." "You know what's a real pity?" "You don't even know the kind of man that you're walking away from." "Keep that money, you're losing something way more valuable." " Is that right?" " Yeah, that is right." "Geoffrey's the kind of guy that when you down..." "Yeah, he'll pretty much kick you." "No, no, I'm saying though, it's like you come home late, you know, to the crib you don't want your parents to know, Geoffrey will dime you out." "This is the man you're defending." "Yes." "He's also the man whose eyes welled up with pride when you walked through that door." "He's also the man that can't stop bragging about you to all his butler friends." "The man that didn't hesitate to empty out his life savings for his so-called son." "But you know what?" "You go ahead." "You got a flight to catch." "I guess this thing must be broken." "You can go." "Oh, don't stop now." " What's up, G?" " Oh, Master William." "I'm glad you're here." "What kind of bike do you think Frederick would like?" "Mountain or racing?" "We gotta talk, G." "You think I'm spoiling him, don't you?" "I think that ship has sailed." "Look, G, what I'm about to say is gonna hurt you." "It's gonna hurt you bad, but I'm gonna just cut to the chase." "Because I'm about to practically annihilate you." "All right?" "But I'm gonna get right to it." "All right?" "Because this is gonna sting real, real bad." " I ain't doing no pussy-footing around..." " Master William hurt me already." "Frederick is not what he appears to be." "He stole from me." "He stole from you." "He's on a plane back to England with no intention of going to butler school." "And you're never gonna see him again." "Hello, Frederick." "Three out of four ain't bad." "What's going on?" "I came here to give you this." "I don't understand." "Will, I thought you said we was going out tonight?" "Here I come, y'all." "Well, Frederick?" "I came here to scam money from the father I never knew." "But somewhere along the way I realized I can't do this." "I suppose I'm not the son you thought I was." "I had no expectations." "Until yesterday, I didn't even know I had a son." "But you knew you had a father whom you'd never met." "Frederick what you did was not out of malice towards me it was out of confusion and anger." "So you forgive me?" "That is what fathers do."