"Thank you very much." "Thank you." "Wow, thanks." "Well, um..." "I'd like to tell you a little bit about myself." "It will take an hour, and then you're dismissed." "I was born on August 24, 1964," "I was born on August 24, 1964, which is exactly nine months and two days after the Kennedy assassination..." "Which tells you all you need to know about how my father processes grief." "And now, when I watch the footage," "I have very mixed emotions, because I realize if he misses, I wouldn't be here." "Because I realize if he misses, I wouldn't be here." ""Hurry up, hurry up, he's almost at the underpass!" "Shoot!"" "A lot of people going, "that's not funny." "You can't ever a joke about that."" "You can joke about anything if you do it in the right context." "That's all." "And to prove that, just to get the show off to a good start, let's kick things off with an aids joke, a rape joke, and a joke about 9/11." "And a joke about 9/11." "Have you ever had a gay friend who was a little overweight, and then they suddenly lose a lot of weight really quickly, and you don't know if it's good news or not?" "And you have this horribly awkward" ""hey..." ""Hey..." "You look great..."" "And in your mind you're going, "juice fast, a juice fast, a juice fast."" "You know..." "When you think about it, any whistle can be a rape whistle." "Any whistle can be a rape whistle." "Except maybe a slide whistle." ""Someone's raping a clown down at the birthday party!"" ""Someone's raping a clown down at the birthday party!"" "Have you ever wanted to rape a clown, and you follow him to his car, and he gets in, and you end up having to rape, like, 40 clowns?" "I think my favorite part of 9/11..." "Was the Muslim terrorists when they went to Muslim heaven, which we all know isn't true." "They can't be in Muslim heaven." "They're in Christian hell." "Unless they go back and forth, which you can do, because they're both pretend." "But when they went to Muslim heaven because they martyred themselves, the reward for martyrdom, which is in the koran, they each got 72 virgins." "That's the reward for martyrdom." "I don't recall sex with a virgin being the best sex I ever had." "It was, uh, it was very awkward, overly emotional." "It was very "hurty."" "And don't forget, the next day, that 72 phone calls." ""Are you my boyfriend now?" Oh, god." "People forget Mohamed atta's up in heaven," ""why can't you just be cool?" "Hang on." ""Why can't you just be cool?" ""Hang on." ""Hang on." ""Why can't you just be cool?" "Hang on."" "I, uh, I have a little confession to make." "I actually have never slept with a virgin." "But I do love breaking the seal on a new jif." "You got to be really hard." "Enjoy the image." "I paint a picture with words." "There's no middle ground on those jokes." "People love 'em or hate 'em." "That's how-- With everything now, like the president." "People love him or they hate him!" "People love him or they hate him!" "But I was thinking about this, 'cause I'm from Boston, which is a very liberal, progressive town." "It is, you know, near the colleges, and..." "But you go 30 minutes outside of town, where I'm really from, you could be anywhere." "And I was thinking about that just two months ago." "My parents were visiting me, and I'm in Los Angeles at my house, and I'm standing in my front yard with my father, who I would describe to you as Archie bunker without the elegance and sophistication." "Without the elegance and sophistication." "And I turn to my father, and I go "see, dad?" ""This is why I live in Los Angeles." "Middle of January, 75 degrees."" "And my father goes, "course it's warm." "Bunch of queers."" "And my wife is immediately going," ""don't, you can't let him get away with that." "You have to say something."" "Say what?" "He thinks gay people give off heat." "He thinks gay people give off heat." "There's no argument to have." "Because love means never having to say you're sorry." "And marriage means apologizing when you know that you're right." "And my suggestion is apologize!" "Apologize away!" "Apologize away!" "I am an apology Cannon." "I wake up in the morning, "I'm sorry."" ""Kids up?"" "You know you're gonna fuck up before breakfast." "Get one on the board." "Who's it gonna hurt?" "I apologize for stuff I had nothing to do with." ""I'm really sorry your sister's boss." ""I'm really sorry your sister's boss" ""said that shitty thing about those boots you like that you loaned her."" ""I'm gonna get some cereal now."" ""I'm really sorry I was laughing at the TV while you were thinking about a cat you had that died."" ""Clearly, I'm an asshole." "Maybe we could get me into some kind of therapy."" "But people say, "if you apologize for things" ""that you don't really mean, aren't you lying?" "Aren't you lying to your wife?"" "Yes." "You have to lie every day you have to lie every day to get to that part of the day when you can sleep again." "See..." "People get into relationships, and they continue to act as if they're still single." "You think, like, "it's kind of like I'm still single, but now there's this long list of shit I can't do."" "But now there's this long list of shit I can't do."" "That's not how it is." "You are now a couple." "It's a totally different organism." "You have to think in a completely different way." "This will help you." "Men, listen to me." "Imagine..." "If you only got fruit from one tree." "You would take such great care of that tree." "You would water it." "You would tend to it." "You would water it." "You would tend to it." "You would prune it." "You would give it sunlight and nutrients." "That tree would never want for anything, because it was your only source of nourishment." "And, women..." "To us..." "You are that tree." "So shut the fuck up." "So shut the fuck up." "No, don't" "Don't misunderstand what I'm saying." "Hear me out." "Trees are very quiet." "You go out into the forest, hundreds and thousands of trees, not a peep." "Not a peep." "You never hear anything." ""There's a bird on me." No, you never hear." "If you come at a tree with a chainsaw, all you hear is the chainsaw." "Not so with women." "Because life is too short because life is too short to spend it fighting." "You have to get together and get along." "And here's, again for guys, simple piece of advice." "Take it or leave it." "A great way to avoid arguments in your relationship, never finish this sentence:" ""You want to know what I think?" "Oh, 'cause I'll tell you what I think."" "And you're done." "No one ever had a great night at home after finishing that thought." "After finishing that thought." "It's one of those statements that tells you the real trouble's coming right around the corner." "Right up there with, "watch me scare the president."" ""Honey, throw the baby over here."" "Yeah, okay, I'll do it." "I wasn't going to do it, but I'll do it." "I wasn't going to do it, but I'll do it." "Um..." "Here's a really funny story about a recent murder." "Um, I was in Los Angeles." "I was driving my kids to school, and I heard on the radio that, right under the Hollywood sign, they found a severed head." "And the first thought I had before, like," ""oh, got to turn that off." "Kid's can't hear that,"" "or, "oh, god, that's terrible,"" "the first thought I had was, the first thought I had was," ""that sounds like a lot of work."" "I mean..." "To begin with, there's no road that goes to the Hollywood sign." "You have to walk like a mile and a half through scrub up a hill." "In this instance, with a head." "It was so like a movie." "It was found by a guy's dog." "This is all true." "There's a big dog park at the foot of the mountain that the Hollywood sign is on." "It's actually the perfect symbol for show business." "The Hollywood sign, and then a big beautiful place that is actually filled with shit." "And I always meet the most beautiful women and I always meet the most beautiful women when I'm walking out of that dog park with a 15-pound bag of shit." "And it's never on the day I'm with my dog." "But some dog got up into the scrub and got this thing." "Came running down the hill, and its owner was like," ""whatcha got there, buddy?" "What'd you find there?" "Aah!"" "Aah!"" "And then the world's most high stakes game of," ""put that down." "Put that down." "Put it down."" "All that dog is gonna hear for the rest of its life," ""buddy, no kisses." "No kisses." "No kisses."" "He's like, "I don't get it." ""The police thought I was awesome." "This guy, 'no kisses'."" "Oh, yeah, the dog talks." "I should've mentioned that." "That's actually important." "It's actually a little awkward for me to be up here talking about dogs." "To be up here talking about dogs." "I'm not gonna kid you, um..." "I, uh-- We had four dogs, and then" "Now we have three dogs, because the dog I wanted to die the least died." "I know, not a big momentum builder at the old comedy show, but, you know, so you know, it happens, and she was a great girl." "She was 151/2, played hard to the bottom of the ninth." "She was 151/2, played hard to the bottom of the ninth." "Bella, my dog, just loved her to death." "Well, no." "I didn't really." "Um..." "That would have been terrible." "Um..." "Jeffrey dahmer loved people to death." "I just loved my dog a lot." "And I'm with her, and ev--I'm--you know, and I'm with her, and ev--I'm--you know, all the kids are there, and we're at animal aftercare." "We all know what happens there, and I was" "I have to say, I was very proud of everybody." "My--my--everybody had their moment." "Everybody knew what was going on." "We didn't bullshit anybody." "It was really--i was really proud of everybody." "And then they all went out to the car, and I was good." "You know, I was kind of like hanging together." "Until I actually had to hand her over, and then I fell apart." "I started crying like a sissy who was also a girl." "I started crying like a sissy who was also a girl." "And--and the woman who worked there went," ""sir, it's okay." "This happens every day."" "And all I could think of was," "Then why do you work here?" "What the fuck is wrong with you?" "What did you--what'd you tell your guidance counselor?" "What did you--what'd you tell your guidance counselor?" ""Oh, I really like sad people, but I want to be around a lot of dead animals."" "Well, you got your wish!" "Congratulations, Dr. Frankenstein." "You got your wish!" ""Sir..." "I will have you know that we are the only" ""animal crematorium in the San Fernando valley" ""that is licensed to cremate horses," ""so until you have set an entire horse on fire," ""I suggest you not judge me." "Thank you very much."" "Thank you very much."" "Okay." "I understand." "The next time you set a horse on fire..." "Can I come?" "'C-c-cause I think." "'C-c-cause I think it'll be really cool." "I bet the mane and the tail burn at a different rate than the rest of the horse, and at a certain point the eyeballs just go like..." "Can we put it in a devil mask and do it on my friend's lawn?" "We, like, do it, we just ring the doorbell, and we take off, and he comes out and he's like, "holy fucking shit!" "And he's like, "holy fucking shit!" "There's a horse in a devil mask on fire on my lawn!"" "And we're behind, he can't see us, 'cause we're behind the house like, "ha, fuck you, Craig." ""You're such a douche bag." "Oh, Craig, you're such a fuckin' asshole."" "And if he--he calls the police like, "help!" "There's a horse in a devil mask on fire on my lawn."" "And the police are like, "fuck you, Craig." "We're busy with real crimes." "Quit fucking around."" "Even the police hate Craig." "He's such a fuckin' douche bag." "And by the time he comes out, it's gone." "It's just a big pile of ashes and horseshoes, and" "And he reaches in to grab the horseshoe, and he reaches in to grab the horseshoe, and he forgets that horseshoes are metal and they retain heat, and he burns his hand really bad, and he loses his job 'cause he's a dental technician." "Then he loses his house, has to live under a fucking bridge." "I fucking hate Craig." "I hate Craig so much!" "Oh, god, I hate Craig." ""Well, I'll ask Sheila, but it's probably a no."" ""Well, I'll ask Sheila, but it's probably a no."" "Come on, my dog died." "You got to give me something." "I ended up regretting the request." "But the most humiliating thing that ever happened to me in my career, um, several years ago" "I was on the second-to-last" "Bob hope special," "Bob hope special, and one of the things that I had to do as part of the special was I had to film a commercial with Bob." "And so I get there to the set, and there's just a big sound stage and two stools and a spotlight, and I'm, you know," "I got a vintage suit on." "I'm looking groovy." "And this commercial was really simple." "I'm sitting next to Bob, and I go, "hi, I'm Dana gould." ""Join me and my new best friend here this Thursday" ""join me and my new best friend here this Thursday on his comedy special on nbc."" "And then Bob turns to me and goes, "hey, I love this kid." "Didn't you used to be my caddy?"" "And I go..." "Now, I hadn't met Bob hope yet, but at the time he was a living legend." "He was larger than life, which is why it was so surprising when he finally showed up, when he finally showed up, and they introduced him on the P.A." ""All right, everybody, please welcome the star of our show," "American comedy legend, Mr. Bob hope!"" "And the curtains swung open, and there he was." "He was this tired old man, didn't want to be there." "White hair dyed brown, came out red." "Lot of make-up, tan coat, tan pants." "It looked like the beginning of the Dr. zauis comedy hour." "It looked like the beginning of the Dr. zauis comedy hour." ""Tonight for the very first time we are being broadcast" ""all throughout the forbidden zone," ""which was once a paradise, until man made a desert of it."" "So I sit down next to Bob, and it's kind of awkward, 'cause he's right next to me, and he's not acknowledging me." "So I say, um, so I say, um," ""excuse me, Mr. hope," ""uh, I just wanted to say" ""it's really an honor to meet you," ""and thanks for having me on the show." ""I mean, the fact that I'm meeting you is crazy." ""The fact that I'm working with you, I" ""I can't even deal with it." ""It--it's nuts." ""So, anyway," ""I just wanted to thank you, and, you know," ""I'm really grateful for the opportunity." "I really appreciate it."" "And he looked at me, and he went," ""Oh, god."" "Okay." ""You know, Bob..." ""I have an idea." ""Why don't I..." "Go fuck myself?"" ""No, hear me out." ""I bet if I went over there and wedged myself" ""I bet if I went over there and wedged myself" ""into that cul-de-sac where that fire hose is," ""over time," ""with the right amount of breathing and yoga moves," "I could probably literally, physically fuck myself."" ""All right, let's get ready to do one." "Dana, put your arm around Bob."" ""Um, I have to, uh..." "All right."" "Ugh..." "Old man arm..." "Like a sweater full of light bulbs." "If you've ever held a tube sock full of dead goldfish, you know exactly what Bob hope's arm felt like." ""Action!"" ""Hi, I'm Dana gould." ""Join me and my new best friend here this Thursday" ""join me and my new best friend here this Thursday on his comedy special on nbc."" ""Hey, I love this kid." "Didn't you used to be my kah-koo?"" "Halfway through "caddy," Bob's brain just went," ""fuck this." "What consonants you got lying around?" ""'K'?" "Good, good."" ""'K'?" "Good, good."" "But he'd been such a dick that I really wanted to go," ""yes, Bob, that's right." "I used to be your kah-koo."" ""Dana, keep your arm around Bob."" ""We're gonna go again, Bob."" ""Huh?"" ""We're gonna go again."" ""What?"" "And that's when I realized that Bob does not like to be told he fucked up." "To be told he fucked up." "But going again might not be the greatest idea either." "Now, don't get me wrong." "I'm no physicist..." "But my theory is, as the day wears on," "Bob won't be getting chronologically younger." "And I'm kind of worried around take three or four." ""Hi, I'm Dana gould." "Join me and my new best friend this Thursday on his comedy special on nbc."" "This Thursday on his comedy special on nbc."" ""Hey, I love this kid." "Didn't you tow, tow, me, me, coo-coo?"" "Ai, ai, ai, ai, ai, ai!" "Ahh." "Coo coo coo coo coo coo coo!" "It was just something" "He didn't want to be there, and there was something in his eyes." "His eyes didn't look like eyes." "They looked like soup with eyes in it." "But he was just looking at me like I was young, and he was not, and it pissed him off." "And I swear, if there were something he could've done about it, he would've, you know." ""Hey, I got an idea." ""Why don't you stare into my eyes without blinking," ""and I'll recite the ancient chant that will transfer" ""your youth and energy into my body, leaving you a dry and empty husk on the next full moon?"" ""Well, I'm not sure--"" ""well, I'm not sure--."" "Now..." "As I get older," "I have a lot more sympathy for Bob than I had at that time, which was none." "Because, when you think about it, by the time he met me," "Bob hope had been famous for seven decades." "Think about how many times he had to sit there think about how many times he had to sit there and listen while the same young comedian had the same speech about, "what a pleasure it is to meet you, it means so mu--"" "without taking into consideration if he was tired or wanted to hear it or not." "I mean, in all honesty, to Bob," "I must have just been a giant crow in a vintage suit, you know?" ""Excuse me, Mr. hope?" ""Yeah, yeah, terrific stuff, kid, yeah."" ""Yeah, dynamite." "Dynamite."" ""Yeah, dynamite." "Dynamite."" "Poor fella." "But I have been very fortunate, and I've met some amazing people, but to me," "I'm always impressed not with the show business people but with the people who've made a difference." "I think the most impressive human being I ever met, when I worked at the Simpsons," "I got to meet professor Stephen Hawking." "Yeah, now" "Now think about this." "Here's a guy who cannot walk, here's a guy who cannot walk, who cannot speak, who cannot move independently, and, yet, somehow, he still found a way to cheat on his wife." "Think of the planning and the commitment." "And the commitment." "That is the rumor, and you know why?" "Because he got caught." "Lest you think you might get away with it." "I'm sure you think you're very clever." "The guy who figured out how time started didn't delete his inbox quickly enough." "And he is widely considered to be the smartest man alive, and he is widely considered to be the smartest man alive, and yet he's nuts about the ladies." "His brain works up here, and down there, full throttle, all the time." "I think that's fantastic." "He has these intense, high-level conversations with these other scientific giants." ""In the vacuum of space, the implosion of a star" ""creates a negative ion" ""guys, guys..." "Two o'clock." ""Two o'clock." ""Two o'clock." ""Either somebody's shoplifting cantaloupe," ""or a genie just granted my wish." ""Is she coming over here?" "Is she coming over here?"" "He's the Beatles of scientists." "Think about it." "If that represents the most successful version you can be of a thing, you can be of a thing, then by that definition, the rolling stones are the Beatles of music." "Not counting the Beatles." "John Lennon is the Beatles of the Beatles." "Pete townsend is not the Beatles of the who." "Keith moon was the Beatles of the who..." "Keith moon was the Beatles of the who..." "Which is why, when Mick Jagger salutes Pete townsend, you have to believe him, because only the Beatles of the rolling stones knows who the rolling stones of the who is." "But that analogy only works on positive things." "It's never, like, a negative connota" ""the killing fields of Cambodia were the Beatles of human suffering in the..."" "Were the Beatles of human suffering in the..."" ""Normally, I'd recommend surgery," ""but it's the Beatles of tumors." "I don't know how I'd get at it."" ""Adolf Hitler, the Beatles of dictators."" "John Lennon is the subject of a frequent discussion that I have with my wife of a frequent discussion that I have with my wife based on the theory that men are pigs." "And that's, I think, a given." "Um..." "It's kind of true." "You know, as Lenny Bruce once said," ""put a guy on a desert island for three days" ""and he'll fuck mud, and have two days to kill."" "Somewhat obvious." "And, uh..." "He's good." "He's good." "Um..." "And, uh, and my wife would always say," ""well, look at your hero." "Look at John Lennon." ""Now, here's a guy, he could have anybody he wanted," ""and his wife, you know, she's pretty." "She's not winning any beauty pageants."" "And, "you know, you're right." "It's true."" "You know, at the time that he met Yoko Ono, he'd only been in the Beatles for I think, like, you know, what, seven years." "I think most men, deep down, are really like John Lennon." "We only want to sleep with 5 or 6,000 of the best-looking women from each country, of the best-looking women from each country, and then it's really not about looks." "By the time he met Yoko Ono, what was left for him to have sex with?" "Lobsters..." "And Yoko Ono." ""Actually, that's not true," ""you know--Paul and I" ""were on a fishing boat off Australia." ""We pulled up one of those old traps, and, you know," ""we pulled up one of those old traps, and, you know," ""gets lonely on those old boats." "One time on tour, I fucked a cicada bug."" ""Oh, hey." ""Good morning." "Uh, did we..." "Uh..."" ""Ah, fab." ""Yeah, really cool." "Always wanted to fuck a cicada bug."" ""No, no, no." ""It's just the four of us, really." ""And even if we added someone, we don't really use the clarinet."" ""Wait a minute." ""Is that the only fucking reason you're here?" ""Did you come up here, then shag me," ""because you thought you could join the Beatles as the clarinet player?"" ""This was a really natural, beautiful thing, cicada bug, and you made it tawdry and wrong."" ""The tomato worm warned me about you."" "That was John Lennon fucking a cicada bug, and learning a lesson about fame." "Someone had to say it." "Someone had to say it." "In 1966, when John Lennon said the Beatles were more popular than Jesus Christ, the ku klux klan put out a hit on him." "Ku klux klan to the rescue!" "The ku klux klan, flawed organization." "Even from a design standpoint." "Flaming torches." "Flaming torches." "Flowing, billowy fabric." "Did that ever come up at an early meeting?" ""We's a-gonna rid the south" ""of the 'negra' and the Jew," ""and we's a-gonna do it dressed up like scary ghosts."" ""Why?"" ""Because we hates the 'negra' and the Jew, and it is fun to dress like a scary ghost."" ""Can I be a Dracula?"" ""No!" ""It's been decided." "I'm the grand dragon."" ""Well, what's a dragon doing in charge of a bunch of ghosts?" ""Seems to me you should be some kind of super ghost." ""Perhaps a Dracula would be better suited," ""perhaps a Dracula would be better suited," ""because the worst thing a dragon can do is kill you," ""but according to legend, a Dracula," ""like a ghost, is already dead." "Just saying."" ""What if I am a dragon that breathes special anti-Dracula fire?"" ""That's the first thing you said tonight that makes a lick of sense."" ""But you're forgetting that I'm the one that built them crosses we's gonna burn."" ""Then it is decided." ""We will rid the south of the 'negra' and the Jew," ""and we will do it dressed up like scary ghosts!" ""Except for Wilson, who will be a Dracula."" "Who will be a Dracula."" "But Dracula is not racist." "Dracula made blackula." "Hello?" "And if Dracula can make blackula, can't we all get along?" "Now, just to put you at ease, in that bit I was using the word "negra,"" "which is how people in the south pronounce the word "negro,"" "which was the accepted term at the time in which that bit takes place, which is the mid-'50s, so, historically, I feel I'm okay." "So, historically, I feel I'm okay." "My take on the "n" word is quite simple." "It is not mine to say, but if you really want me to stop saying it, stop putting it into all those songs I want to sing." "Because when I'm alone in my car..." "I say it." "I do." "When did the history channel become the network of shows when did the history channel become the network of shows for what people in the klan do during the day?" "It's reality shows." "My wife is the smartest person I know, hands down, and she has a very involved job, she works really hard, and when she comes home, she just shuts off" "And she will only watch reality shows." "And she will only watch reality shows." "And the dumber the show, the more she wants to watch it." "I cannot be in the room when they're on, because you will never experience less reality than when you're watching a reality show." "You're watching people who aren't actors put into situations created by people who aren't writers, created by people who aren't writers, and they're second-guessing how they think you would like to see them behave if this were a real situation," "which it's not, and you are passively observing this." "You're watching an amateur production of nothing." "It's..." "It's..." "It's like a photo of a drawing of a hologram." "It's the Beatles of wasting your time." "There is one show that I do watch." "There is one show that I do watch." "It's about L.A. crime, and I'm really fascinated by that, and, uh, and, uh" "I was actually thinking about it the other day, 'cause I was up here, and I woke up early." "It was a really cold, clammy morning, you know." "And, obviously, and, uh..." "But it reminded me of what it must have been like in a very similar morning in Los Angeles in 1947 in 1947 when a woman was walking her baby at the intersection of 39th and Norton Avenue in south central Los Angeles" "and saw what she reported to the police appeared to be a discarded dress mannequin lying off in the weeds." "But that dress mannequin turned out to be the body of a woman." "A woman named Elizabeth short." "Elizabeth short had been reported missing for four days," "Elizabeth short had been reported missing for four days, and apparently she had been in the hands of a madman." "Her body had been severed in half at the waist." "The organs had been removed." "The blood had been drained, and worst of all, her face, one massive bruise, with the corners of her mouth slit from ear to ear..." "Creating a hideous, leering grin creating a hideous, leering grin that somehow mocked the very brutality that had befallen her." "She became known in the press as "the black Dahlia,"" "and to this day, some 60 years later, the police still don't know..." "What she said what she said to deserve that." "It must have been a doozy!" "I mean, "pobody's nerfect."" "But, really..." "My favorite part of that bit is about halfway through, when you guys start going, "what's happening?" ""What's going on?" ""Is it his mother?" "Is he having a stroke?" ""Am I having a stroke?" "Do you taste pennies?" "I smell toast."" "I know that I-- I started the show tonight with a bit about my father, where I portrayed him as a very sort of intolerant, as a very sort of intolerant, angry, bigoted man, and I want you to know that that portrayal of him" "is factually accurate." "Uh, but he does have another side to him, and I wanted to-- To tell you about that." "Um, when I was a kid growing up, my father's best friend didn't have a face." "Didn't have a face." "Uh, he was in world war ii in the infantry, and he was in a battle, and as they would tell us, there was a terrible accident." "No..." "He was in a battle." "There was a terrible "on purpose."" "I don't think the Germans were like..." ""Oh, shit, I hit him." "Fuck!" "Oh, shit!" ""We got to get out of here." "What's gonna happen, man?"" "What's gonna happen, man?"" "No, there was a catastrophic intentional, and he became the Beatles of not having a face." "And they fixed him up as best as they could..." "Which was not great, and, as children, my brother and I used to call him uncle Frankenstein." "Never to his..." "Front, but behind his back..." "With regularity and volume, and my mother would correct us by saying," ""god forbid that should ever happen to you."" "And there was a kid in our school in a wheelchair." "Small school, one wheelchair kid." "My brother made fun of him." "It was the '70s." "You're like, "breaker, 1-9." "Breaker, breaker." "You got a roll bar on that rig?"" "You got a roll bar on that rig?"" "You know, just, whatever, you know." "My mother would, "god forbid that should ever happen to you."" "And there was a kid in our school who was mentally handicapped." "Now, I say mentally handicapped, because you cannot say retarded anymore." "I'm sure you're aware of this." "That is now the "r" word." "I got in a lot of trouble on Twitter..." "For using the word "retarded."" "For using the word "retarded."" "But then I was educated as to why:" "Because it comes from the parents of children, mostly children with down syndrome, or trisomy 21, and over the years, "retarded" has become a slang term for stupid." ""Oh, man, that's retarded." "I don't want to go there."" "So I understand it, and I give it to 'em, 'cause I don't have to walk in their shoes, and I give it to 'em." "On the other hand, by calling it the "r" word, they're trying to equate it with the "n" word they're trying to equate it with the "n" word and the "c" word..." "But those words are only those words." "The "r" word is a word." "Flame retardant." "Retarded growth." "I used to live near the wrentham home for the retarded." "It was a sign on the freeway." "You've never been riding down the freeway you've never been riding down the freeway." ""Nigger cunt."" "Where are we?" "Stop your laughing!" "This is not funny!" "This is not funny!" "I hear you." "I know what you're saying." "You're saying, "Dana..." ""Aren't you saying don't make fun" ""of the mentally handicapped," ""and then, to prove your own point, you make fun of the mentally handicapped?"" "Yes." "Yes." "And I do that to show you why..." "I no longer perform this piece in my show." "I want you to see firsthand the kind of shit you are not gonna get out of me, if I have to show it to you myself." "Yes." "And because I felt guilt, and because I felt shame," "I donated $5,000 to the special Olympics, which is a wonderful organization that does amazing things for truly luminous people." "But..." "But..." "If you donate $5,000 all at once..." "You get put into their gold circle donor program." "And now..." "And now..." "Every day..." "I get mail..." "From retarded people..." "Asking me to give them more money." "In postage alone they've spent $10,000 trying to get me to give them another $5,000." "Because they're retarded." "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." "I know it's wrong." "I'm gonna save you some time." "If this bit offended you, you don't have to wait around after the show to tell me to my face." "I know what I did." "I know what I did." "I'm an adult." "I made a decision." "But you don't have to hate me either." "That's too easy." "The smiths were really right." ""It's so easy to laugh." ""It's so easy to hate." "It takes guts to be gentle and kind."" "It takes guts to be gentle and kind."" "And I will leave you with this as a little challenge for this year." "The simple act of walking down the street, looking a stranger in the eye, and smiling at them, can make the world a much better place." "Unless it's the day you've decided to walk around with your cock out." "Then..." "I would suggest poker face." "Man of mystery!" "The end." "Thank you very much." "Thank you very much." "Thanks for coming down." "You guys were great."