"What would I like?" "Luxury holiday abroad." "Good job, decent man." "Like there are any of those around." "Tell you what I don't like." "Being here... now, like I am." "The Bad Mother's Handbook" "All I do these days is run meself ragged." "I'm at everybody's beck and call." "There's me daughter, Charlotte." "She's a madam." "Clever, ooh, very clever." "A grades all the way but, God, touchy?" "I'll say." "You walk on eggshells." "She's conscientious, though, I'll give her that." "One minute, I want to give her and hug and tell her how proud I am of her." "The next I want to beat her about the head with a blunt instrument." "Her dad's no bloody use, of course." "Never was." "That's why I kicked him out." "Oh, he's a nice enough chap, but he's no direction and he's always been bone idle." "Then, you see, there's me mother." "I don't mind changing her colostomy bags for her." "That's just how it is." "Although it's damned high maintenance, but she can't help that." "No, what gets me down is the way her mind comes and goes." "It's like a radio tuning in and out, so sometimes you get sense, other times nothing." "I want to go, "For God's sake, Mum!"" "But then, of course, I feel like a complete cow, because she goes," ""You don't know what you'll come to." "You'll be old. " Which is true." "So I've got me hands full, haven't I?" "But you know what?" "Sod 'em." "I've had it with looking after everyone." "They can fend for themselves for once because..." "I'm going to Paris." "I meant what would you like now?" "Go on." "I'd like to top up me gas payments, so they don't run out while I'm gone." "Miss!" "Miss!" "The headmaster wants you." " Ooh!" " Oh!" "So, you're all prepared, then?" "You've pretty much done everything you have to?" "Er, well, I've not sorted my passport yet." " Waiting for me birth certificate but..." " We can fast-track that." "They can do 'em in a week." "School'll pay." "I'll talk to Ms Quirrell." "She'll cover your hours." "It's only three mornings, after all." "Not that you're not essential to us, of course." "Teaching assistants are... vital." "Vital." "Right." "Well, I'm in front with the gas and electric, and I've primed Irene Seddon on the QT and I've been stocking up with tinned salmon, so..." "Excellent." "Only one more thing." "Just got to break it to the family." "But you are going to... come?" "Champion." "So did you come?" "Oh, no, no." "Sorry, not that time." "Oh, but you should." "I want it to be like fireworks and that." "For you an' all." "Oh, sometimes it's like you're not even trying." "Look, it really don't matter, it'll sort itself out." "It's loads better than it was." "Good." "God, I'm knackered." "Oh, shit, where's the johnny?" "What?" "Oh, it must still be inside you." "Hang on, I'll have a look." "Let the dog see the rabbit!" "Oh, yes!" "Oh, it's fine." "Not split or anything." "Must've come off during." " Goal!" " Don't Paul." "If my mum finds it..." "Looks like this has had it." ""Fairy's whisper tears away" ""Joyful on this special... " ".. day. "" "Stop it, Paul." "It was Nan's." "How about next time we try a different position?" "Summat's gotta work." "You on top?" "Why d'you keep going on about it?" "You're making me feel like there's something wrong with me." "You could nip down the doctor's and get yourself checked over." " What?" " See if there's owt amiss." "Or it could be your technique that's not up to the job," " your equipment that's at fault." " Er, no it in't, actually." "I know there's nowt wrong with me, cos Jeanette Piper never has any trouble and she always comes every... time." "Nan, I'm home!" "Quick, get your clothes on and try and look... clever." "Ooh, good, you're in." "Only, I want a word with you." " What's that?" " It's an amaryllis." "I thought you might like t..." "Oh, I don't know why I bother." "What's that?" "We had a free." "Paul's helping me with, erm..." " maths." " Is he?" "Tea in ten minutes." "~ I'm half crazy, all for the love of you" "~ It won't be a stylish marriage" "~ I can't afford a carriage" "~ But you'll look sweet" "~ Upon the seat" "~ Of a bicycle made for two ~" "And he always had to have a coal fire going." "Cos he caught malaria when he was serving in Mesopotamia." " He was always joking about..." " What have you done with them?" "I..." "I haven't touched them." "What?" "The sausages I did for your tea." "You must have." "Oh, it were t'dog." "We haven't got a dog." "You're not in trouble, I just want to know." "Have you eaten 'em?" "Aye." "I might've done." "Yesterday for me tea." "Well, how can you, when I only cooked 'em this morning?" "Oh, God, it's every little thing." "You're a natchy woman." "You're like my daughter Karen." "She gets her hair up at nothing." "I am your daughter!" "Charlotte, today, please!" "Oh, no, you're not." "Not really." "How do?" "Dad." "Hello, love." "Your mother rang me, said I'm to come over for tea." " What's the score?" " I've no idea." "Why don't you ask her?" "Yeah." "Oi, Karen, have you a knife?" "I just trod in summat, I think." "Was that Alan Benthem's son?" "Works in his uncle's garage on Saturdays?" "Helping Charlie with her maths." "Maths?" "Can't add two and two, that one." "Hope he's behaving himself, though, anyroad." " For God's sake." " Er, you stay where you are." "They catch seagulls off the rubbish tip and pass them off as chicken." "They're ordinary drumsticks, Mum." "They come in packs of four." "I got them in Tesco's, along with all the fruit nobody eats." "God knows why I bother, I should just buy a bag of mould." "That's never right." "Chicken with four legs?" " There were three wings as well, Nan." " Good God." "I've been invited to Paris." " You?" " Why?" "Er, it's a school trip." "It's only for a week and I figured if Ivy could look after Nan for four days," " you two could manage the other three." " Oh, you can't." " I'm sorry?" " It's a long way, love, and... there's all sorts can go wrong - disasters, bombs." "You stop at home and be safe." "I should say, actually, that I've got a lot on at work right now." "Very busy." "I don't know if I'll be much use to you." "And they go to t'toilet in holes." "They do." "Irene Seddon told me they just have tiles on the floor and have an 'ole in the middle." "Dirty buggers." " We..." " Don't you start." ""I've got exams." "It's not fair to give me extra responsibilities." ""I thought you wanted me to do well. "" "Oh, just go." "Just go." "Whatever." "Bloody 'ell." "What's up with her?" " How d'you mean?" " Something's up." "We should've had a five-star strop, but she didn't even blink." "Well." "She's got herself a fella now, in't she?" "~ Man" "~ Man" "~ Man" "~ Man" "~ I'm a man with no dreams, girl... ~" "Can I have a word?" "What's going on?" "Is it serious with Pete?" " Paul." " Paul." " Are you having sex with him?" " No." " Honestly?" " I swear!" "Mustn't jeopardise my education and fail to achieve four A-grade A levels, an accountancy degree at York, followed by a meteoric career, marriage at 26, nice house in Cheshire and two healthy children - suggested names Annabel and Max." "Now, do you mind?" "Only I'm a bit busy..." "When I found out I was pregnant, I cried and cried." "I thought my life was over." " What's your point?" " I wasn't ready." "And nor are you." "Well, that's completely bloody irrelevant anyway." "Look, Mum, he's dumped me." "Bloody Paul bloody dumped me." "Are you satisfied now?" "So go on, buzz of to Paris and have a great time, Mum." "What is it Nan says?" "Never run after a lad or a bus, there'll be another one in five minutes." "Oh, don't, Mum." "Oh, you wait." "You'll go to York and set the world on fire and he'll end up sleeping with bored housewives and overcharging them for MOTs." " You're doing it again." " What?" "Planning my life for me!" "It's like you've got a checklist or something." "Oh, bloody men!" "The ones you like aren't interested, the ones you're not fussed about are all over you." "Karen, love!" "Just as well you never slept with him, eh?" "Have we got any porridge?" "Oh, now, you're grandad loved porridge." "He used to say, "You can keep your champagne." ""Give us a bowl of porridge and a drop of tea" ""and I'm as happy as a sandbag. "" "If you want sugar, could you take some from the bowl?" "Let's be civilised for once." "What's this?" "Birth certificate, I need it for the passport." "Charlotte, that's disgusting, could you use a plate, please?" "Mum... have you ever had a proper look at this?" " What?" " And there was one time he went to see t'minstrels at Southport, and there was a chap come on and sang Danny Boy and er... and all t'audience were shouting "Encore!" "Encore!"" "Mum, Mum, this is important, Mum." "What the hell's going on here?" "It says I'm adopted." " Are you not my mother?" " And he conked out." "Never mind t'bloody encore, let t'bloody man sing again..." "Mum, is that thing right?" "Am I not yours?" "Oh, I've made a mess." "Mum!" "Mum, what's happened?" "What did you do?" "Are you all right?" "I just slipped on the lino." "I think it were a bit of fat split or summat." " Come on." " Oh." " Oh, I'm all right." " Oh, Mum." " Ooh!" " Come on." " It..." "It's just me foot." " Oh!" " Oh, Mum." " Oh!" "I didn't want to worry you." "Oh, I've gotta shake meself." "You can't always be waiting on me." "You've got your own life." "Hello, hello, it's Mrs Cooper." "Yeah, I need a doctor." "Oh." "Ah, Charlotte, I wondered if I could ask you to look after this young man for me." "Daniel Gale." "His family have moved from..." " Erm, Guildford." " Yeah." "And he's joining us in the sixth form." "I'm sure you'll find you have a lot in common." "It's not serious but, er, well, she has given it a nasty twist." " Right." " She'll be up and about soon." "But keep her in the living room." "I don't know how she'll cope with the stairs." "She just needs some TLC." "Some fussing over." "She's lucky to have you, you know." "Bye." "Bye." "He's a nice man, that new doctor." "He's a son, same age as Charlotte." "His wife's a teetotaller." "Did you notice his hands?" "He's got beautiful fingernails." "You'd have nails like that if you didn't bite them." " How are you feeling?" " He said I'd got good bones." "For my age." "I'm going to put the kettle on." "I'm sorry, love." "Why didn't you ever tell me, Mum?" "So..." "So, your trip to...?" "To wotsit..." "Where were it again then?" "It was to Paris." "Bloody Paris in bloody France where I've always wanted to go and you've never let me." "And now you've done it again and I'm stuck here and I can't bloody go anywhere." "And to top it all, I've got you cluttering up the lounge and I can't even watch telly in peace." "It is enough to drive you..." "They eat frogs' legs in France." "You're well out of it, I should say." "I'm going out." "You're not even my real mother." "They gave him a lamb." "He took it to t'butchers to be jointed up." "But they never got back what they should've done." " I'm in the wrong life." " I'm sorry?" "33 years I thought I was Nancy Hesketh's daughter, and now she tells me I'm not." "I'm adopted." "I'm someone else's." "It's like me whole life's been blown apart and I don't know who I am any more." "And I can't get a thing out of Mum." "I ask her and ask her but she just gives me blank looks." "And part of me just wants to shake her, because if she knows, why can't she tell me?" "And then I feel terrible because she's so bloody frail and she's obviously upset about it all herself." "And part of me feels like I'm to blame for the falling, and the fact that she's laid up is some sort of punishment." " I'm sure it's not." " Because..." "I can't leave her now." "I can't go to Paris." "Oh." "It must be really difficult for you." "Erm..." "I don't suppose you're free Sunday lunch time." "Why?" "Only, there's a group of us go to The Feathers." "We usually go for a walk first thing and then settle in for a pie and a pint." "Sorry." "Bad moment." "Can you forget I ever said anything?" "Er..." "No." "Go on, then." "Yeah, I will." " It might take me mind off things." " Yeah." "lllegitimate and with a mystery granny, it's pretty cool." "So that must make you a grand... bastard." "Talkin' of which." " Is it over?" " So over." "You know he was shagging Jeanette Piper?" "That dog?" "Charlie, you're well rid." " What are you doing Sunday afternoon?" " Why?" "I need a favour, I've got to sit for me nan." " Oh, my God, no way." " Technically, she's someone else's nan." "Stop messing with me head." "So she's having some mates round to listen to her George Formby 78s." " What?" " 78s." "Records?" "Like CDs, only bigger." "You wanna get her an OAP-pod." "Doesn't she?" " So will you come?" "Moral support." " Yeah, right." "I'll come." "Er... erm..." " I quite like George Formby." " What are you doing there?" "I was pretending to be part of your conversation." "I don't know anyone else." "Yeah, well, you don't know us either." "She's had a bad week." "Haven't we all?" "She were too young." "She didn't know what she were doing." "I said, "You mustn't fret." "I'll take care of it. "" "Hello." "Fuck it." "Well, that's nice." " Flowers." " No shit, Sherlock." "And... chocolate, which is full of antioxidants and iron and will boost your immune system" " and relax your arterial walls." " Oh, yeah?" "And, erm, plus through the mystic power of the neurotransmitter serotonin, it will lift your mood and make you less of a grumpy old bag." "Stop." "How come you've even heard of George Formby?" "He's one of my dad's favourites." "Now that was truly scary." " Listen, your dad's a doctor, isn't he?" " Mm-hm." "What it is, right, I've got this... this friend, who thinks she might be pregnant." "Could you ask him what are the symptoms?" "Well, it's hard to generalise, really." "She might feel queasy, but she might not." "Erm, very hungry." "Er, she might even feel quite sexually aroused." "Was he looking?" " Tell me." " Erm..." "Well, I'll be going, then." "Oi, Daniel." "Sunday, one o'clock, 9 Dale Hill." "Mum's got a date, amazingly, so it'll just be you, me, George and 20 pensioners." "I'll see you then." "Come on!" "Ho-ho." "You look good." "Well, I don't feel good." "I feel like nobody." "I've no identity any more." "All the things I thought were mine, I don't feel right in 'em now, like I've borrowed someone else's shoes and they don't fit." "Because when something as basic as where you come from turns out to be a fabrication, it throws everything up in the air." "You start to look around and question everything." "Your entire identity becomes something you have to restructure." "Can you imagine what that feels like?" " Can you?" " Your hair's nice." "Oh, forget it." " Listen, I'm worried about Charlotte." " Why?" "What's up?" "Like I've nothing else on me mind right now, she's gone sort of absent, not herself." "She's brooding about something." "Oh, aye?" "Is it that little gobshite Paul Benthem?" "Tell you what, I'll go round there, if you like." "Yeah." "Sort him out." "Teach him a lesson he won't forget." "Oh, please." "Listen, I'm off on a date." "Might even have sex." "With someone without a tache, obviously." "She's meeting Dan from church." "All I want you to do is try and get her to talk, see if she'll give, but don't tell her I put you up to it." "Be subtle." "45 minutes it's taken us to do a ten-minute walk." "We bumped into Little Jim by the post office and then it was Irene Seddon, and then Mr Rowland the vicar." "He's a good man." "Not like Mr Shanklin with his guitars and tambourines." "Clapping in church!" "He went off somewhere foreign in t'end, didn't he?" "It was Surrey, Nan." "You told me that." "Oh." " What are you doing here?" " Your mother told me something's up" " and I'm to sort it out" " Oh, for heaven's sake." "Good." "Result, then." "I'll be off." "Hey, hey, come on." "Adoption don't change anything, you know." "It's not the adoption, Dad." "Right." "Look, it's sweet of you to worry, Dad, but don't." "Well..." "Well, there must be someone you can talk to." " Maybe there is." " Yeah." "Who are you?" "Erm, er, is Charlie in?" "Ee, funny hair." "It's like Moira Stuart." "Phyllis Eaton's had a hysterectomy, did you hear?" "No, she hasn't, Nan, stop telling people that." "She's gone ex-directory." "Are you all having a nice time?" "Yes." "There you are, love." "Well, they put a catheter in me and took out a pint of black stuff." " A pint?" "Black!" " Were it blood?" " Welcome to my world." " Don't think so." "Yes, it's a lot better." "Oh." "You found us all right?" "Followed the noise." "Oh, you've... eaten." "Earlier." "I'm so sorry, shall I order something for you to...?" "Oh, no, no." "Er..." "No, I've had my lunch." "I'll get you a drink." "Old Murkle's the guest ale." "Erm... vodka and tonic for me, please." "So, you're Leo's little secret, then?" "~ And all because I ran away" "~ Fast of feet and on his way" "~ I could dance the night away" "~ When I'm feeling frisky ~" "Bring a lot of memories back with them." "I think I'm pregnant." "~ Oh, my... ~" " Sorry, everyone!" " ~ Getting away... ~" " How late are you?" " A month or two." "Three, maybe." "~ Somewhere baking hot, where the rain never falls... ~" "Does Paul know?" "Like I said, it's only maybe I am." "There's only one way to find out." "Erm... don't go anywhere." "~ She'll often be sunny" "~ She'll never get windy" "~ When Maggie's run away ~" "I think that's what's got to me more than anything, because it feels like a sort of deceit." "That and where I might have been, had I had the chance to live that other life." " No wonder I never achieved anything." " I wouldn't say that." "Not that Nan's not done her best, but what's mine's been taken away from me and I never had any say in it and that's not right." "I should have at least had the choice." "I should have been told." "I mean, where is this woman who's supposed to have given birth to me?" "Does she look like me?" "Because I'm nothing like Nan, I can see that now." "So do I look like this other woman?" "Would I recognise her in the street?" "What did she feel when she gave me up?" "Does she miss me?" "Does she carry a little photo in her purse with her?" "So are you going to take it any further?" "Just goes round and round in my head - what do I want to do, and what should I do, and are they the same thing?" "And is it fair on everyone else?" "Is it any of their business, anyway?" "And then..." "You should do what's best for you." "I just end up doing nothing." "I'm paralysed." "It's hopeless." "Hopeless." "My round." "Just open it, er, wee on the stick, and the level of hormones in your urine will just..." "Er, I'll just let you go to the loo, then, shall I?" "Oh, and, er... two packets of peanuts, ta." ".. but I think you have to go to Manchester." "And there's a place in Manchester, get a map of Pendle Hill and around that area, you know, so..." " Sorry, I'm just gonna go to the loo." " OK." "You can break out of it, you know." "What?" "It's nothing to be ashamed of." " Princess Diana had an eating disorder." " You've got me wrong." "Admitting it's the first step." "Good luck." "They're not always right, those things." "How often are they wrong?" "One per cent... at most." "I feel sick." "What am I gonna do?" "Dunno why you're so cross with me." "I'm not the one who got you pregnant." "Enjoyed that." "Hope the old crowd weren't too rowdy for you." "~ Go, go!" "~ Always deceived by your spell ~" "Oh, karaoke?" "Blimey." "Only you'd have a proper hankie." "Listen, now you know for sure, you should speak to your mum." "I think she'll understand what you're going through." "Let her be the sensible one, all right?" "Must be something you ate." "Come on." "Oh dear, er, you've got a bit on your, erm... coat." "Er, why don't you borrow my spare cagoule?" "I always carry one." "You can give it me back in the morning." "OK?" "How was the date?" "Oh, God." " Can I talk to you?" " What's wrong with me?" " It's quite important." " He's a really lovely man, nice house, no ties, couldn't have been kinder, and I end up..." " Seriously, Mum..." " Oh, my God." "Before that, all I did was drone on about me mother who's not me mother." " Mum..." " How am I gonna face him at school?" "By not being so bloody self-obsessed." " Excuse me?" " Well, it's always you, you, you." "Oh, don't do this, Charlotte, not now." "Why not?" "Why is now any different?" "It's always to your timescale." "You think I'm selfish?" " It's pretty clear where I get it from." " I said don't do this." "What's the matter?" "Have you put on half a pound again?" "Mum, I need to know that you love me." "That it's unconditional." "Of course I do." "But me own mother gave me away." "She got rid of me." "How could someone do that?" "Well, you don't know how she felt, what she were thinking." " Maybe she were too young." " I was too young, but I got on with it." "Oh, we're back on you again." "Maybe you'd understand things better if you ever thought about anyone but yourself." "Have I done anything else for the past 17 years?" "Well, if it was such a struggle, maybe you shouldn't of bothered." ""Have" bothered. "Have" bothered." "I didn't give up my whole life so you could grow up and not talk properly." "Why are you so ashamed of what you are?" "You obsess all the time about being something you're not." "Just find your real bloody mother and have done with it." "I've got a mother, as if I could ever forget it." "And may I just remind you, she's the very reason you're here." "Oh, and don't you resent her for it?" "Come on." "Say it." "You hate Nan cos she bullied you into keeping me." "I'll tell you why you don't wanna find your real mother, cos finding out what a great life she had would eat you up and spit you out." "Oh." "Oh, I'm sorry, love." "I'm sorry." "I'm not surprised Nan never said anything." "Poor thing were probably terrified to put her out with the rubbish." "I said that the novel's relevance is that it explores self-destruction which is an essential part of humanity which is why it basically hasn't dated." " All right, loser." " Hey... slut." "Ha-ha." "Erm... can we go to the pub, please?" "Er, there's something I've got to do first." "How do I look?" "Bit shabby, actually." "Now I really need to go to the pub." "Hiya." "Hiya." "How's things?" "Oh, you know." "Not seen you round school for a while." "Quit, didn't I?" "Go to me uncle's garage." " Oh, so you're earning now?" " Yeah, it's all right." "I need to speak to you for a minute." " Listen, you've gotta go." " Paul..." "I'm pregnant." "Do not do this." "Do not do this to me." "I'm not listening." "I'm sorry, what can I...?" "It can't be mine." "I always use a johnny." "It's yours, Paul." "There's been no one else." "No, Charlie, you're wrong." "It's not mine, it's yours, it's all yours." "I don't want fuck all to do with it." "Chocolate?" "Spandex." "Spandex is correct." "You get a set of bonuses on popular music." "In the 1985 animated film Rupert And The Frog Song, which singer..." "Paul McCartney." "I could've gone to university, you know." "I don't know why I never told you." " Paul McCartney." " Correct." "Which..." "I were going to on your 16th and then I didn't, and it just got harder and harder." "And some days I'm not really clear." "Ringo Starr is a streetwise teddy boy who works on the Dodgems..." "I always thought I was protecting you, but..." "Patagonia is noted for... .. maybe it were more selfish than that." " .. with the arrival of speakers of..." " Welsh." "I do know this, though." "You'll be more my daughter than you'll ever be hers." "Oh, blood and sand, have you been pulling threads again?" "London, Cairo and New York..." " Do you want a cup of tea?" " Aye, go on." "Not that perfumed stuff, though." "I'm not keen on that." ".. for ten points." "Which quantum property was introduced..." "Charlotte thinks I should look for my real mother." ".. to explain why some mesons have abnormally long..." "Would it bother you if I did?" ".. property that must be conserved on both sides of an equation..." "So will the father be joining us?" "No." "Does that matter?" "Not to me." "I mean, do I have to tell him if I decide to... to..." "Oh, I didn't tell a soul where she came from." "Although I think people must have guessed." "Old Mrs Moss used to suck her teeth and go," ""Whose babby's that, then?" "Where's thee gettin' it?"" "I'd say, "She's mine." ""She is mine. "" "So it's up to me, then?" "Yeah." "I take it the pregnancy was unplanned." "Uh-huh." "And how did you feel when you found out you were pregnant?" "Terrified." "Angry." "Do your family know you're here?" "No." "No, this is something I need to do by meself." "I know this must be hard for you." "Deciding whether or not to meet my real mother for the first time?" "Yeah." "Yeah, that is quite odd." "One minute I think, "Yeah, I do. " But..." " I can't decide." " Which is why you're here." "So you think I should get rid of it?" "If you want to." "But... you wouldn't." "This isn't about what I'd do." "Why can't you give a straight answer?" "I want someone to tell me what to do." "All I can do is start the process of tracing her." "If and only if you're interested." "Does it normally mess people up?" "In your experience, I mean." "Each case is different." "You do have to consider the effect it'll have on your existing relationships." "Why do you think your mum didn't tell you?" "Probably forgot." "Ee, a lot goes past me these days." "But I'll never forget what it were like when they put her in me arms." "I couldn't think about anything but that little baby." "All that joy." "And I was taking her home with me." "And how we'd always be together." "Ever since I found out, it's like I've been in the wrong groove." "You know?" "What would me other life have been like?" "Richer, poorer, happier, sadder?" "Who am I?" " You stupid..." " Oh, Christ, Mum, don't start." "What do you mean, don't start?" "How could you?" "Me own daughter, so bloody stupid and... and loose." "What, like you?" "Or had you forgotten?" "Oh, how could I?" "You should've taken notice of me, for God's sake." "Jesus wept, I thought if there was one thing I taught you it was not to throw your life away." " Like you did." " Exactly." "So you wish I'd never been born." "In't that what you've been burning to tell me the past 17 years?" " Ee, love." " Oh, get out!" "This is all your fault." "We wouldn't be in this mess if it weren't for you." "Oh, talk sense, Karen." "Well, that is the pot calling the bloody kettle, isn't it?" "The rubbish you talk day in, day out, it's a wonder I'm not off me head." "Oh, leave Nan out of it." "It's got nothing to do with her!" "She made me bloody keep you!" "God, I had such plans!" "At least she wanted you, which is more than I can say for my own mother." "Now, get out of here." "I'm supposed to be watching my blood pressure." "She don't mean it." "She loves you." " Yeah, it looks like it, doesn't it?" " Oh, she does." "That's why she could never give you up." "Don't fret." "It'll be all right, you'll see." "God's good." " Have a mint ball." " Oh, I love those!" "How dare you laugh at a time like this?" "You're having an abortion." "You're wrong, Mum." "I'm keeping this baby." "Don't talk soft." "You're not fit." "Well, I'm a damn sight fitter than you are!" "At least I won't make her feel guilty her whole life." "I am not gonna do to this baby what you did to me." "Poor bugger deserves better than what I had." "You'll change your mind or I'll never speak to you again." "There's worse things than babies." "They're nice, babies are." "Damn you both!" "Boy or girl?" "Sorry, can't say." "Everything looks absolutely fine, though." "That's our baby, Nan." " I'm having a rid-out." "Shall I bin this?" " What is it?" "It's your offer from York University." "You remember?" "You were crying with happiness when you got it." "They said the baby's fine." "Dr Gale's invited me for dinner." "Give me two minutes." "It's a bonny baby." "You could see all its bits and pieces." "So she's got you running about after her now as well, has she?" "Erm..." "They wouldn't let on what it is, but I'd say it's a boy." "Cos she's carrying it all at the front." " And with a girl, you've less of a..." " Oh, like you'd know!" " Was it you bought all this, Mum?" " How else d'you think it got there?" " Thanks." "I don't know what..." " It's only from the catalogue." "You were beginning to look a right state." "You can pay me back in instalments." "I've got something to show you." "Don't cut out the labels and if they don't fit, they can go back." "But how can she have made the same mistake I did?" "I mean, the very same one!" "She's no idea how hard it's gonna be." "She could have had it all, gone to university, got a degree, met a nice boy like Daniel, doctor's son, lawyer's son, I'm not fussed." "But when the time was right." "But she's done exactly the same thing... .. I did." "Gone for the wrong type and got herself into a mess when what she should have been doing is holding out for a decent man." "Someone who appreciates her." "Someone who'll care for her." "Oh." " Oh, Leo, I'm sorry." " I'm sorry." "Sorry, no, I'm sorry, I didn't mean..." "I'm sorry." "Erm..." "Oh, yes!" " Are we back on again, then?" " Don't push it." "This is really good spaggy bol, Mrs Gale." "It's actually tagliatelle with an oregano pesto sauce." "Glad you're enjoying it so much." "It's important to eat well during pregnancy." "All Nan eats is tins of salmon and belly pork." "Disgusting stuff." "My mum would kill for a house like this." "And she'd love that fireplace - except it wouldn't fit in our house." " Can I have some more, please?" " Course you can." "Yes, help yourself." "I'm not used to eating so late." "We usually have our tea around five." "Nan couldn't manage any later." "She'd be chewing the tablecloth." " Goodness." "How interesting." " Mum!" "What is it, darling?" "When you're finished, you two, why don't you take your drinks to the garden?" "It's a lovely evening." "I'll just have some of the ciabatta." "Yes, you go right ahead." "Take whatever you like." "I'm sorry." "I didn't know she felt like that." "I" " I should be apologising." "It's..." "I shouldn't have brought you round." "God, it's like a nuclear winter in this house." "I can sort of see her point, though." "Common pregnant slapper gets claws into genius son." "I don't think it's all to do with you." "They've got their own problems." "Well, my mum has." "I mean... she's really unhappy here and she's desperate to go back to Guildford." " She's started drinking again." " So why'd you come?" "Erm... she had this... affair and this is supposed to be a fresh start." "Blimey." "With a marriage guidance counsellor." "Sorry, that's not funny." "So... here we are, miles away from friends and family and all simmering in our own individual vats of resentment." "We have some long evenings, I tell you." "Sometimes I think you're the only thing keeping me sane." "Sorry, sorry, sorry." "No, no, it's me." "I wasn't thinking." "Stupid." "I hope you've finished with those glasses." "I think we've definitely finished." "Oh, for God's sake!" " What?" " Just... stop moping." "You got yourself into this mess." "I'm not having you sulking at me." " I'm not." " Looks like it." "Where's your friend, anyway?" "Your knight in shining armour." "The marvellous Daniel." "Or have you messed up there as well?" "I can see you in the mirror, Charlotte." "A doctor's son too." "You know, maybe it was a good thing having months to think on." "We've managed to track down your birth mother." "Right." "However, at this stage," "I can only give you the details of an intermediary contact." "A Mrs Beattie in London." "You need to speak to her first before you go any further." "London." "Well, I'd not reckoned on..." "Well, that's that, then." "Go on, you first." "B..." "C..." "C..." "E." "D..." "E..." "D. Dead." "And I will be when my mum hears." "A..." "A..." "A..." "A." "God, am I in trouble." "Don't!" "Don't!" "Don't!" "Don't!" "Listeria can be present in, er, soft cheese and squidgy ice cream." "So you'd best get a Zoom instead." "You heard him." "A Zoom instead, please." "Where've you been?" "It's been weeks." "Actually, it don't matter." "Walk me home." " Tell me your grades." " Erm... ~ Well, you know last night and you know the night before" "~ Three little tomcats came knocking at the door" "~ One had a fiddle and another had a drum" "~ And a third had a pancake stuck to his bum" "~ Well, it's early in the morning" "~ It's early in the morning" "~ It's early in the morning... ~" "Well done, Charlotte." "You must be very proud of yourself." "I am actually." "She took that well, I thought." "Shame you didn't get an A in "doing as you're damn well told"." "Maybe not." ""Gone away"?" "Where?" "Sorry!" "You can't park here, darling." "Mrs Beattie?" "Mary Beattie?" "My name's Karen Cooper." "Jessie Pilkington?" "I don't go by that name these days but... yeah." "They told me you might turn up." " Sugar?" " No, ta." "Thank you." "Beautiful house you've got here." " We like it." " We?" " You mean my fa..." " Oh, no." "Your father died quite some time ago." "I remarried." "We met in prison actually." "He was the governor." "Children?" "No." "Biscuit?" "I had a sister." "Claire." "Claire was some years after you." "A man I met down here." "Thought we'd make a go of it." "He drank." "We... both did." "Was he violent?" "Were you afraid of him?" "Mary Beattie showed you the newspaper clippings?" "Then you'll have read that Claire was... malnourished." "She died of neglect." "How could you let...?" "Do you want me to say that I tried to stop him?" "That I loved Claire?" "That deep down I was a good mother?" " Yes." " I'd like to." "Very much, but..." "I've done my time." "Will do for the rest of my life, as you can imagine." "I'm surprised your adoptive mother didn't say anything." "Nancy Hesketh." "Always was a bit overprotective." "Probably didn't think you could cope." "Maybe she didn't think I should have to." "She was my supervisor at work, you know." "Head of the canteen." "Our Nance." "Looked out for everyone." "Mother hen." "Desperate for a baby." "She came to London with me and went back with you." "A good solution all round." "She was only a child." "And so was I." "I gave you up." "Perhaps I should've done the same thing with Claire." "But then I... shouldn't have met Jake." "You see, he's sort of my... silver lining." "You're a monster." "I'd like you to leave now, please." "I didn't want you thirty-odd years ago and I don't want you now." "I suppose I owed you an explanation but you've had one now." "You must have hated us." "No, I didn't hate you." "Either of you." "But then nor did I love you." "I'm sure as a mother you understand that you don't get one without the other." "Charlotte, I need to speak to you." "Ugh!" "Is there no dignity left?" "I think I just weed myself." "Come on, let's get your things." "We need to get you to the hospital fast." "Aagh!" "Aagh!" "Christ!" "Oh, I need to say..." "Look..." "Oh, love." "I know I haven't..." "Oh, shit." "Hello." "Steve?" "What?" "What?" "Tell her wait." "Wait!" "I'm coming!" "Charlie, we're just going to examine you internally, see how dilated you are, mm?" "OK." "I need to get to my daughter!" "Beauty, eleven letters, starting with P." "Easy." "Pulchritude." "Give me another." "Erm..." "Mad as a dog." "Seven letters." "You know, when I see women giving birth on TV there's all this gripping bedsteads and rolling around in agony." "But this is a bit boring." "Ooh." "I want proper drugs!" "What's the point in a sodding birth plan if no one takes any sodding notice of it?" "The baby's premature." "They're not gonna give you pethidine, sorry." "Oh, you're so bloody sensible!" "I want someone irresponsible." "Mum, where the hell are you?" "No!" "Er, you know medieval women, er, used to chew willow twigs for the pain." "It contains a natural aspirin, apparently." "Are you completely barking?" " Argh..." " Barking." "Mad as a dog." "Seven letters." "Well done." "Sorry, er..." "Do you want me to put a CD on or something?" "Do you..." "Do you want a wet flannel?" "No thanks, but if you ever try and have sex with me I will kill you!" "Aagh!" "Where is she?" "Why aren't you with her?" "The doctor told me to wait outside." "She said there might be blood." "Mum!" "Thank God." "Where the hell have you been?" "It's a boy!" "You beauty!" "He's gonna be called Will." "After Grandad." " It'll make Nan's day." " Oh, Charlotte." "What?" "I'm so sorry." "What for?" "You were here, weren't you, in the end?" " No, I don't mean about going away." " Where did you go, anyway?" " London." " To visit the Queen?" "Look, I have to say something now because..." "Well, I just do." "I've been rotten to you throughout this pregnancy." "I've been such a bad mother and I just wanted you to have a happy life." "Tell me about when you had me." "When you were born, they handed you over and that was the first time I realised you were an actual person." "And you fixed me with this stare as if to say," ""You're mine, and don't even think about giving me away. "" "Because what you need to realise is, as soon as I held you," "I was... bowled over, knocked flat by the way I felt." "Like I'd do anything for you." "Like I knew what my life was for." "And that's the way it's always been." "Despite everything, even when we've been screaming mad at each other," "I'd still have thrown meself under a train or wrestled a lion or stood in front of a firing squad for you." "Because that's what mothers do." "Unconditional love, Charlotte." "Thanks, Daniel." "I'm so glad you were with her." "It's all right." "I didn't have anything else on." "Oh, and by the by," "I don't know what your intentions are, but if you ever, ever hurt her," "I will make what she's just been through feel like a day at the zoo." "Are we clear?" "Crystal." "Granny." "Oh, he's a little bobbing." "He is." "Hey, look at us now." "Four." "Like chicken legs." "~ Your lips to me are rubies" "~ Your eyes are diamond rare" "~ So while I have you, my baby" "~ I'm as rich as a millionaire ~" "She used to sing that to me when I was a baby." "Charlie!" "Push the bell!" "I'm used to looking after her." "We'll just need a little bit of help now and then." "I don't think you quite understand." "Your mother's had a serious stroke." "If she wakes up, it's possible she'll need round-the-clock care." "We can manage." "Really we can." "Look, I can sympathise with how you must be feeling." "My own father's in a nursing home." "Can you understand?" "I want to look after my mother." "She's coming home." "Where she belongs." "With me." "The thing is, I've never understood it till now." "But when I got pregnant, I think it might have been Freudian." "Do you know what that means, Mum?" "It weren't a conscious decision." "It weren't like a deliberate strategy, get meself up the duff." "But it did mean I avoided having to leave home, all that risk." "So I'd have never got rid of Charlotte." "And I don't blame you." "I don't blame anyone." "And you need to know that." "Oh, wake up, Mother, and stop being so bloody awkward." "Hey, Mum, look who's come to see you." "First time he's been out the house." "I've got something for you." "Phyllis Heaton dropped 'em off earlier." "Ooh, they're your favourites!" "Mint balls." "Oh, is she waking up?" "She's trying to say something." "What is it, love?" "No, to the best of my knowledge we don't serve seagull here." "Shit." "Will!" "Mum, where are you?" "I think my boobs are gonna explode!" "I feel like I've been in a wet T-shirt competition." "Surprise!" "I just can't do it, Mum." "I've been asleep for hours." "He'll have been hungry and he could have starved, all cos I was asleep and he'll've cried and I didn't even wake up." "How am I supposed to look after him if I don't wake up when he's screaming?" "He's fine." "I gave him a bottle an hour ago, changed him and now he's asleep." "You see, he doesn't even need me." "You're never gonna be good enough, are you?" "Always going to do the wrong thing." "Shout at him when you don't mean to." "Resent him because he's more important to you than anything else." " Yes." " Hate the fact... that suddenly there's someone in your life that matters more than you do." "Mm." "How do you know?" "Because that's the way it is." "The Bad Mother's Handbook." "Now you know the rules." "Happy birthday." "Come on." "Er, I got you something." "Er, it's just earrings." "Oh, thank fuck for that." "Erm..." "Erm, what are you... doing?" "Er..." "Are you sure about this?" " Is she all right?" " Oh, yes, she's fine." "She's fine." "Oh, oh." "There we go." "I know." "I look far too young to be your granny." "Er, can I get you a drink, Karen?" "Top baby, that one." "We got a few things right, didn't we, eh?" "Despite everything." "Don't even think about it." "When's tea ready?" "I could eat a buttered frog."