"That's what they're crying out for." "I'd've cracked me 'ead on that pavement if he'd've landed." "It's a filthy state!" "An old man like me!" "They resent me." "That Scotch git!" "Comes up to me, parks a bucket of rubbish at me." "Tells me to take it out the back." "It's not my job to take out the bucket." "They've got a boy there to take out that bucket." "I wasn't engaged to take out buckets." "My job's cleaning the floors, clearing up the tables, a bit of washing-up." "Nothing to do with taking out buckets." "I told him what to do with his bucket, didn't I?" "Did you hear what I said to the guv'nor after he give me the bullet?" ""Look here," I said, "I got my rights. "" "And I told him that." "I might have been on the road, but nobody's got more rights than I have." ""Let's have a bit of fair play," I said." "Anyway, he give me the bullet." "I tell you, if you hadn't come out and stopped that Scotch git," "I'd be inside the 'ospital now." "I'd've cracked me 'ead on that pavement if he'd've landed." "I'd've cracked me bastard 'ead!" "Do you want to sit down for a couple of minutes?" "Lucky you come into that caff." "I've been left for dead more than once!" "What's this, then?" "I, er..." "Where I live." "Couple of minutes?" "Yeah, that'll be all right." "I wouldn't say no to that." "The whole thing's interfered with me plans now, you see." "You see what I mean?" "Look at all this bastard ice!" "Hey?" "I mean,..." "when's it gonna go?" "I've got to work things out again now, see?" "That Scotch git!" "I tell you, if I see him again" "I'll..." "I'll poke him one in the bloody eye, I'll tell you that." "He's got no right to treat me like that." "Oh, another thing I could do, I could get down to Kensington Oval." "See, I've got to start thinking things out all over again now." "Up here." "All the way up." "Filthy skate!" "An old man like me." "I've had dinner with the best." "They got no respect, you see." " Sit down." " Thanks." " Er..." " Oh, just a minute." "Sit down?" "I haven't had a good sit-down..." "Haven't had a proper sit-down..." " Well, I couldn't tell you." " Here you are." "All them Blacks, they keep you running around all night." "You don't get a chance for a sit-down." "Ten minutes off for tea break in the middle of the night in that place and I couldn't find a seat, not one." "All them Blacks 'ad it." "Blacks, Greeks, Poles, all them aliens 'ad it." "Take a seat." "Yes, well, what I got to do first, you see, what I got to do, I got to loosen myself up." "You see what I mean?" "I could have got done in down there!" "D'you want to roll yourself one of these?" "What?" "Er, no." "No thanks, I never smoke a cigarette." "I tell you what, though, I'll have a bit of that tobacco for me pipe." " Yes." "Go on, take some out of there." " Thanks, that's kind of you, mister." "Er, just enough to fill me pipe, that's all." "All them toerags, mate, they've got the manners of pigs." "I might have been on the road but you can take it from me, I'm clean." "I keep meself up." "That was why I left my wife." "Fortnight after I married her..." "No, not so much, no more than a week," "I took the lid off a saucepan..." "D'you know what was in it?" "Pile of her underclothing, unwashed." "Where shall I put it?" "I'll... take it." "A pan for vegetables, it was." "A vegetable pan." "That's when I left her and I haven't seen her since." "I'd've cracked me 'ead on that pavement if he'd've landed." "That Scotch git!" "I've seen the day I was as handy as any of 'em." "They didn't take any liberties with me!" "I'll get 'im." "One night, I'll get 'im." "When I find myself around that direction." "I wouldn't mind so much, but I left all me belongings in that place." "All of 'em, the lot there was, in this bag in the back room there." "Every lousy, blasted bit of all me bleedin' belongings," "I left down there now." "In the rush of it." "Bet he's having a good poke around in it now, this very minute." "I'll pop down sometime and I'll pick 'em up for you." "Anyway, I'm obliged to you, letting me, er,..." "Letting me have a bit of a rest, like, for a few minutes." " This your room?" " Yes." " You've got a good bit of stuff." " Yes." "There's enough of it." "There's a good bit of it, all right." " You sleep here, do you?" " Yes." " What, in that?" " Yes." "Yes, well, you'll be well out of the draught there." "You don't get much wind." "Yeah, you'll be well out of it." "Different when you're kippin' out." "Yes." "When the wind gets up, it's..." "Mm." "Gets very draughty." "This your house, then, is it?" "I'm in charge." "You the land lord, are you?" "I noticed there was someone living in the house next door." "Yes." "Family of Indians live there." "Blacks?" "I don't see much of them." "Blacks, eh?" "I'll tell you what, mate..." "You haven't got a spare pair of shoes?" "Shoes?" "Them bastards at the monastery let me down again." "Where?" "Down at Luton." "Er, monastery down at Luton." "I got a mate at Shepherd's Bush, you see." "I might have a pair." "I got this mate at, er, Shepherd's Bush... er, in the convenience." "Well, he was in there." "He..." "He ran about the best convenience they got." "He ran about the best one." "Always used to slip me a bit of soap, any time I went in there." "Very good soap." "They, er, they had to have the best soap." "I was never without a piece of soap... .. any time I happened to be knocking around the Shepherd's Bush area." "Pair of brown." "He's gone now." "Er,... went." "It was him as put me onto this monastery the other side of Luton." "He'd heard they give away shoes." "You've got to have a good pair of shoes." "Shoes?" "It's life and death to me." "I had to go all the way down to Luton in these." "What happened when you got there?" "D'you know what that bastard monk said to me?" "How many more Blacks have you got round here, then?" " What?" " You got any more Blacks round here?" "See if these are any good." "D'you know what that bastard monk said to me?" "I think those'd be a bit small." " Would they?" " They don't look the right size." " Not bad trim." " Can't wear shoes that don't fit." "Nothing worse." "I said to this monk..." ""Here," I said, "Er, look here, er, mister," I said." "He..." "He opened the door." "Big door." "He opened it." ""Look," I said, "I come all the way down 'ere... " Er, I showed 'im these." ""You haven't got a pair of shoes," I said," ""enough to keep me on me way?"" "Er, "Look at these," I said, "they're nearly out, they're no good to me. "" ""I 'eard you got a stock of shoes down 'ere. "" ""Piss off," he says. "Now look 'ere," I said, "I'm an old man," I said." ""You ain't got no right to talk to me like that." "I don't care who you are. "" ""If you don't piss off," he says, "I'll kick you to the gates. "" ""Now look," I said, "wait a minute. "" ""All I'm asking for is a pair of shoes. "" ""Don't start taking liberties with me. "" ""It's taken me three days to get out 'ere, three days without a bite. "" ""I'm worth a bite to eat, aren't I?"" ""Get out round the corner to the kitchen," he says. "Get out!"" ""When you've had your meal, piss off out of it. "" ""Meal?" I said, "What d'you think I am, nothing better than a dog?"" ""What do you think I am, a wild animal?" "What about all them shoes... .. I come all the way down 'ere to get, I heard you was giving away?"" ""I've a good mind to report you to your mother superior. "" "Another of 'em, an Irish hooligan, come at me." "I cleared out." "I took a short cut to Watford, picked up a pair there." "I got onto the North Circular,..." "just past Hendon..." "The sole come off, right where I was walking." "Lucky I 'ad me old ones wrapped up, er, er, still carrying them." "Otherwise I'd've been finished, man." "So I've 'ad to stay with these." "They're gone." "They're no good." "All the good's gone out of 'em." "Try these." "Not a bad pair of shoes." "This leather's 'ardy, in't it?" "Very 'ardy." "Bloke tried to flog me some suede the other day." "I wouldn't wear 'em." "Can't beat leather for wear." "Suede goes off." "It creases." "It stains for life in five minutes." "You can't beat leather." "Yes." " Good shoe, this." " Good." "Don't fit, though." " Oh." " No, I got a very... broad foot." " Ah. " " These are a bit, er, pointed." " Mm." " They'd cripple me in a week." "These ones I got on, they're not much good but they're comfortable." "They're not much cop but at least they're... they don't hurt." "Erm,... thanks anyway, mister." "I'll see what I can look out for you." "Thank you." "Thank you." "Good luck." "I can't go on like this." "Can't get from one place to another, you see." "And I'll have to be... moving about, try to get fixed up." " Where are you going to go?" " I've got one or two things in mind." "I'm just, er, waiting for the... weather to break." "Er, would, er,..." "Would you like to sleep here?" " 'Ere?" " You can sleep here if you like." "'Ere?" "Well, I don't know about that." "How long for?" " Till you get yourself... fixed up." " Oh, I..." " Get yourself sorted out." " I'll be f... fixed up any day now." " Where would I sleep?" " Here." "The other rooms would be no good to you." "Here." "Where?" " There's a bed beneath all this." " Hey?" "Oh, well, that's handy." "I'll tell you what, I might do that." "Just till I get, er, sorted out." "You got enough... furniture 'ere." "I picked it up." "Just keeping it here for the time being." "This, er,... gas stove work, do it?" " No." " What d'you do for a cup of tea?" " Nothing." " That's a bit rough." "Are you, er,... building something?" "I might build a shed out at the back." " Carpentry, eh?" " I like... working with my hands." "What's this?" " It's a Buddha." " Get on." "Yes." "I quite like it." "I picked it up... in a shop." "Looked quite nice to me." "Don't know why." "What do you think of these Buddhas?" " They're all right, aren't they?" " Yes." "I was pleased when I got hold of this one." "It's very well made." "This the bed 'ere, then, is it?" "Yes." "We'll get rid of all the stuff." " I'll put this here for the minute." " Yes." "Hm." "Oh, that's better." "Is this in use at all, then?" "No." "There." "Erm..." "Er..." "How are you off for money?" "Oh, well, to tell you the truth, mister, I'm a bit short." " Here's a few bob." " Thank you." "Good luck." "I just happened to find meself a bit short, you see." "I got nothing for all that week's work I done last week." "That's the position, that's what it is." "I went into a pub the other day, ordered a Guinness." "They gave it to me in a thick mug." "I sat down but I couldn't drink it." "I can't drink Guinness out of a thick mug." "I only like it out of a thin glass." "I had a few sips." "But I couldn't finish it." "If only the weather would break." " Then I'd be able to get to Sidcup." " Sidcup?" "The weather's so bloody awful, how can I get to Sidcup in these shoes?" " Why do you want to go to Sidcup?" " I got me papers there!" " Your what?" " I got me papers there!" " What are they doing at Sidcup?" " A man I know has got 'em." "I left them with 'im, you see." "They prove who I am." "I can't move without them papers." "They tell you who I am." "I'm lost without 'em." " Why is that, then?" " Well, you see, what... what it is, you see, I changed me name,... years ago." "I've been going around under... an assumed name." "It's not me real name." "What name have you been..." "going under?" "Jenkins." "Bernard Jenkins." "I got an insurance card here." "Er,... see, look." "Under the name of Jenkins." "There, er, Bernard Jenkins." "It got four... four stamps on it." "But it's no use me going along with these." "I take that card along, I go in the nick." "I got no rights." "Any time you want to get into your bed,... just get in." "Don't you worry about me." "Er,... well, then, I think I will." "To tell you the truth, mister, I'm a bit, er,... .. a bit done in." "See you've got a bucket up there." "Leak." "Er..." " Where's the...?" " What?" "Oh, yes." "It's got a sink in here." "Here you are." "You don't share it, do you?" "What?" "You don't, er, share this toilet..." "with them Blacks, do you?" "They live next door." "They don't come in?" "Because, I mean,... fair's fair." "Well, I'll leave you to it, then." "Wha..." "What's this?" "What's this?" " What's this?" " It's all right, it's all right." "Oh, yes!" " Sleep well?" " Yes, dead out." "I must've been dead out." "Were you dreaming or something?" "Dreaming?" "What d'you mean?" "You were making noises." "Now wait a minute." "Now..." "Now wait a minute." "What d'you mean?" "What sort of noises?" "You were making groans." "You were jabbering." "Jabbering?" "I don't jabber, man." "What would I be jabbering about?" "You got hold of the wrong bloke, mate." "Maybe it was the bed." " Nothing wrong with this bed." " It might be a bit unfamiliar." "There's nothing unfamiliar about me with beds." "I slept in beds." "I don't make noises just because I sleep in a bed!" "I slept in plenty!" " Maybe it was them Blacks." " What?" "Maybe it was them Blacks making noises, coming up through the walls." " Hm." " Where you going, you going out?" " Yes." " Oh, wait a minute, then." " What are you doing?" " Well, I better come with you." "Why?" "Don't you want me to get out when you're out?" "You don't have to go out." " What, you mean I can stay 'ere?" " Do as you like." "You don't have to go out because I'm going out." "I've got a couple of keys." "This door,... front door." "Thanks very much, the best o' luck." "I, erm,..." "I think I'll take a stroll down the road." "A little... kind of a shop." "Man down there, he got a portable drill the other day." "I quite like the look of it." " Portable drill, eh?" " Yes." "What did you say your name was?" "Bernard Jenkins, er, my assumed name." "No, your real one." " Davies." "Mac Davies." " Welsh, are you?" " Hey?" " You Welsh?" "Well, I've been around a bit, you know." "I've been about." "Where were you born?" " What d'you mean?" " Where were you born?" "I..." "Well, it's a bit hard, like, to set your mind back." "Going back a few years, you lose a bit of track, like." "If... you see what I mean." "Erm,... what about this gas stove?" "Do you..." "Do you think it's going to be letting out any, er,... pff... fff...?" " What do you think?" " It's not connected." "I might go down to Wembley later on in the day." " Yes?" " Er, yes, there's a caff down there." "I might be able to get fixed up." "I know they was a bit short-handed." "They might be in need of a bit of, er,... staff." "Mm." "Well, I'll be seeing you, then." "Yes!" "Right!" "Hold it!" "Hold it." "Bloody great pile of papers." "Screws." "I'll have to find out about that." "Had a pair of shoes in here." "What's the game?" " What's your name?" " I don't know you." " I don't know who you are!" " Hey?" " Jenkins." " Jenkins?" "Yeah." "Jen... kins." " Did you sleep here last night?" " Yes." " Sleep well?" " Yes." "I'm awfully glad." "It's awfully nice to meet you." "You know, you remind me of my uncle's brother." "He was always on the move, that man, never without his passport." "He had an eye for the girls." "Very much your build." "Bit of an athlete, long-jump specialist." "Had a habit of demonstrating different run-ups in the drawing room round about Christmas time." "Had a penchant for nuts." "Couldn't eat enough of 'em." "Peanuts, walnuts, brazil nuts, monkey nuts." "He wouldn't touch a piece of fruitcake." "It was a funny business." "Your spitting image, he was." "Married a Chinaman, went to Jamaica." " I hope you slept well last night." " Listen, I don't know who you are!" " What bed you sleep in?" "Eh?" " Now look 'ere..." " That one." " Not the other one?" "No." "Choosy." "How d'you like my room?" " Your room?" " Yes." "This ain't your room!" "You've got a funny kind of resemblance to a bloke I once knew in Shoreditch." "Well, actually, he lived in Aldgate." "I was staying with a cousin in Camden Town." "His old mum was living at the Angel." "The buses passed right by the door." "She could get a 38, 581, 30, 38A, take her down the Essex Road to Dalston Junction in next to no time." "Well, of course, if she got a 30, he'd take her round Upper Street way, via Highbury Corner, down by St Paul's Church." "Though she'd get to Dalston Junction just the same in the end." "I used to leave my bike in her garden on my way to work." "Yeah, that was a curious affair." "Dead spit of you, he was." "Bit bigger round the nose, but nothing in it." " Sleep here last night?" " Yes!" " How do you sleep?" "What bed?" " That." "Not the other?" "Choosy." "Choosy." " What sort of a sleep did you have?" " All right!" " You weren't uncomfortable?" " All right!" "You a foreigner?" "How d'you like my bed?" "This is my bed." "You want to watch out you don't get a draught." " Intending to settle down here?" " Give me my trousers!" " Settling down for a long stay?" " Give me me bloody trousers!" " Why, where are you going?" " Give me 'em." "I'm going to Sidcup!" "You remind me of a bloke I bumped into once by Guildford bypass." "I was brought here." "I was brought here!" " Brought here?" "Who brought you here?" " Man who lives here." " Fibber." " I was brought here, last night." "I met him in... in a caff." "I got the bullet." "This bloke saved me from a punch-up." "He brought me here, he brought me right here." "I'm afraid you're a born fibber, aren't you, eh?" "You are speaking to the owner." "This is my room in my house." " It's his." "He seen me all right." " That's my bed." " What about this one, then?" " This is my mother's bed." " Well, she wasn't in it last night." " Now, don't get perky, son." " Keep your hands off my old mum." " I..." "I ain't." "I..." "Don't get out of your depth, friend." "Don't take liberties with my mother." " Let's have a bit of respect." " I got respect!" " You won't find anyone with more!" " Why are you telling me fibs, then?" "Listen!" "I ain't never seen you before, have I?" "Never seen my mother before, either, I suppose?" "I think I'm coming to the conclusion that you're an old rogue." " You're an old scoundrel." " Now, wait..." " Listen, sonny, you stink." " You ain't got no..." "You're stinking the place out." "You're an old robber." "You're an old skate." "You don't belong in a nice place like this." "You're an old barbarian, honest." "You got no business wandering around in an unfurnished flat." "I could get seven quid a week for this place, get a taker tomorrow." "350 a year exclusive, no argument." "Well, if that sort of money's in your range, don't be afraid to say so." "The is van outside." "I can run you to the police station in five minutes." "Have you in for trespassing, daylight robbery, filching, thieving and stinking the place out." "What do you say?" "Unless, of course, you're interested in a straightforward purchase." "I'll have my brother decorate the place up for you first." "Yeah, I got a brother, a number-one decorator." "He'll decorate it for you." "You can have this as your study." "This brother I mentioned, he's about to start decorating them other rooms." "Well, he's just about to start." "What do you say?" "800 for this room or 3,000 down for the whole storey?" "Who d'you bank with?" "Who do you bank with?" "You still got that leak." "Yes." "It's coming from the roof." " From the roof, eh?" " Yes." "I'll have to tar it over." "You're going to tar it over?" "Yes." "What?" "The cracks." "You'll be tarring over the cracks in the roof?" "Yes." " D'you think that'll do it?" " It'll do it for the time being." "What d'you do..." "What do you do, er,..." "when that bucket's full?" "Empty it." "I was telling my friend that you're about to decorate them other rooms." "Yes." "I've, erm,..." "I've got you a bag." "Eh?" "Oh." "Thanks!" "Give it to you, did they?" " What's this, then?" " Give us it, that's my bag!" " I've seen this bag before." " It's mine!" " Where'd you get it?" " Scrub it!" "It's mine." "It's mine, tell 'im it's mine." " This your bag, is it?" " Give me it!" " Give it to him!" " Give him what?" " The bloody bag!" " What bag?" "Where are you going?" "Don't push too hard." "Watch your step, sonny." "You're knocking at the door when no-one's at home." "You thieving bastard!" "You thieving skate!" "Here you are." "Did..." "Did you get down to Wembley?" "I couldn't make it." "I had a bit of bad luck with that portable drill." "When I got there, it had gone." "Who's that feller?" "He's my brother." "Is he?" "He's a bit of a joker, in't he?" "He's got a sense of humour." "Yes, I could tell that the first time I set eyes on him." "Yes." "He tends to see the funny side of things." "Well, he's got a sense of humour, in't he?" "Yes." "I'm supposed to be doing up the house for him." "There's lots of possibilities about this place." "You see..." "Yes." "Once I get that shed up, I'll be able to give more thought to the house." "Perhaps I can... knock up one or two things for it." "I can work with my hands, you see." "It's one thing I can do." "I never knew I could." "But I can." "I can do all sorts of things now with my hands." "When I get that shed up out there, I'll have a workshop, you see." "I could do a bit of woodwork." "Simple woodwork to start." "Anyway,... there's quite a bit to be done to this place." "Bit of a junk heap, this garden, eh?" "Got to be cleared." "Got all this, you see." "What's this, a pond?" " Yes." " What you got?" "Fish?" "No, there isn't anything in there." "You could be caretaker here, if you liked." "What?" "You could keep an eye on the place, if you liked." "You know, the, erm,..." "stairs,..." "landings." "Front steps." "Keep an eye on it, polish the bells." "The bells?" "Yes, I'll, erm,... be fixing a few down by the front door." "Brass." " Caretaker, eh?" " Yes." "Yes, well, now look here, I, erm..." "I ain't never, erm,..." "done no caretaking before, you see." "All I mean is I, erm..." "I ain't never been a caretaker before." "How do you feel about being one, then?" "Well, I reckon I, er,..." "Well, I'd 'ave to know, er, erm..." "You know, er..." "What sort of...?" "Yes." "Er, what sort..." "what sort of,... erm..." "You know." " W..." "Well, I mean..." " I mean, I'd..." "I'd 'ave to, erm..." " I'd have to..." " Yes." "I..." "I could tell you." "Th..." "That's it." "Er,... that's it." "D'you see?" "D'you get my meaning?" " I could tell you when the time..." " See, that's what I'm getting at." " It's more or less exactly..." " You see, what I mean to say, er..." "Erm,... what I'm... .. getting at it, is, erm,..." "I mean,..." "What sort of... jobs?" "Well, there's, er, things like the stairs a... and the bells." "Well, it'd... it'd be a matter, er, er, wouldn't it?" "It..." "It would be a matter of, er,..." " .. of a broom, isn't it?" " Yes." " Of course you'd need a few brushes." " You'd need, er,... implements." " You'd need a good few implements." " Yes." "You could wear this, if you liked." "What?" "Oh." "That's nice, in't it?" " It'd keep the dust off you." " Yes, that'd keep the... dust off." "Well off." "Thanks very much, mister." "Hey, look,..." "I've been thinking." " This ain't my bag." " No." "No, you see, my bag, it, er,..." "was another kind of bag altogether." "I know what they've done." "Er, what they've done, they kept my bag and... they've given you another one altogether." "No." "What happened was..." "someone went off with your bag." "That's what I said." "Well, anyway, I, er,..." "I managed to pick this one up somewhere else." "It's got a few pieces of clothes in it." "He let me have the lot cheap." "Any shoes?" " What's this?" " It's a smoking jacket." " Smoking jacket?" " Yes." "It ain't a bad piece of cloth." "I'll see how it fits." "You ain't got a mirror in there, 'ave you?" "No, I don't think I have." "Well, it don't fit too bad." "How do you think it looks?" "Looks all right." "Well, I won't say no to this, then." "Er, excuse me, guv'nor, have you, er... any...?" "Cup o' tea." "Bastard." "Cup of tea yourself." "Er, what about this bloody snow, then?" "Hello, what's this?" "What's the matter with this damn light?" "Oh, don't tell me the damn light's gone now." "What'll I do now?" "The damn light's gone." "Give me a light." "Wait a minute." "Oh, damn, where is it?" "Now where's the box?" "Where's the bloody box?" "Why, what's this?" "Who's this?" "Where's me box?" "It was down 'ere." "Who's this?" "Who's this moving it?" "Who's this got me box?" "Who's in 'ere?" "I've got a knife 'ere!" "I'm ready for you!" "Aah!" "Come on, then!" "Who are ya?" "Aah!" "Go away!" "I was just doing some spring-cleaning." "There used to be, erm, a wall plug for this cleaner." "But it doesn't work, so I had to fit it in the light socket." "How do you think the place is looking, eh?" "I gave it a good going over." "Well, after all, I am responsible for the upkeep of the premises, aren't I?" "What you waving that about for?" " You come near me!" " Eh?" "Well, now, I'm sorry if I gave you a start, but, er..." "Well, I had you in mind, too, you know." "I mean, my brother's guest." "As a matter of fact, I was, er, going to suggest that we lower your rent, to make it just a nominal sum." "Just nominal, that's all." "If you're gonna be spiky, I'll have to reconsider the whole proposition." "I keep meself... to meself, mate." "But if anyone starts with me, they know what they got coming." " Yes, I can believe that." " You do?" "I've been all over, see." "Do you understand my meaning?" "I don't mind a joke now and again but anyone'll tell you that no-one starts anything with me." " Oh, I get what you mean, yes." " I can be pushed so far..." " But no further." " That's it." "No, you know what it was?" "We just got off on the wrong foot, that's all." " Aye, we did." " Would you like a sandwich?" "Don't you pull anything!" "Hey?" "I can't help being interested in any friend of my brother's." "I mean, you're my brother's friend, aren't you?" "Well, I wouldn't put it as far as that." "Oh, don't you find him friendly, then?" "Well, I..." "I wouldn't say we... we was all that, er, friends." "He never done me no 'arm but I wouldn't say he's a particular..." " Wh..." "What's in that sandwich, then?" " Cheese." " That'll do me." " Take one." "Thank you, mister." "Well, now..." "I'm sorry to hear that my brother isn't very friendly." "Oh, he's friendly, he's friendly." "I never said he wasn't." " Salt?" " No thanks." "I just can't exactly... make him out." " I forgot the pepper." " I just can't get the 'ang of 'im." "I had a bit of beetroot somewhere, I must have mislaid it." "Can I ask your advice?" "Well, I mean, you're a man of the world, aren't you?" "Can I ask your... advice about something?" "You go right ahead." "Now, what it is, you see, I'm very worried about my brother." " Your brother?" " Yes." "You see, his trouble is..." " Yeah?" " Well, it's not a nice thing to say." "Go on, now, you say it." "He doesn't like work." " Get on." " No, he just doesn't like work." " That's his trouble." " Is that a fact?" "It's a terrible thing to have to say about your own brother." " But he's just shy of it, you see." " I know that sort." " You know the type?" " I've met 'em." "Yes." "I don't know, he just..." " He don't like work." " Mm." "He's supposed to be doing a little job for me." "I keep him here, you know, to do a little job." "But I don't know." "I'm coming to the conclusion he's a very slow worker." "What would your... advice be?" "Well..." "He's a funny bloke, your brother." "What?" "I was just saying, he's a..." "a bit of a funny bloke, your brother." " Funny?" "Why?" " Well, he's funny." "What's funny about him?" " Not liking work." " What's funny about that?" "Nothing." "I don't call that funny." " Nor me." " Don't start getting hypercritical." " No, I wasn't." " Don't get too glib." " All I meant..." " Cut it!" "Look, I've got a little proposition to make to you." "I'm thinking of taking over the running of this place, you see." "I think it could be run a lot more efficiently." "I've got ideas, plans." "Now, how would you like to stay on here, as caretaker?" "What?" "I could rely on a man like you around the place, to keep an eye on things." "Well, now look 'ere." "I..." "I never, erm..." "I never, er, done no caretaking before, you see." " You've been in the services." " The what?" "You've been in the services." "You can tell by your stance." "Oh..." "Oh, yes." "I spent half me life there, man." " Overseas, like." "Serving, I was." " In the Colonies, weren't you?" "I was over there." "I was one of the first over there." "Well, that's what I mean." "You're just the man I've been looking for." " What for?" " Caretaker." "Er, yes, well, now... now look 'ere." "Er, listen, er..." "Who's the landlord 'ere?" "Er,... 'im or you?" "Me." "I am." "I got deeds to prove it." "Oh, well, in that case I don't mind, er,... doing a bit of caretaking for you." "I..." "I don't mind, er, looking after the place for you." "We'd come to a small financial agreement, mutually beneficial." "I'll leave you to reckon all that out, like." "Thanks." "Pari passu and pro rata." "Oh, yes." "Oh, there's just one thing." "Have you got any references?" " Eh?" " Just to satisfy my solicitor." "I got plenty of references." "All I got to do is get down to Sidcup tomorrow." "I know it like the back of me 'and." "I got all my references down there." "Good." "Listen,... you can't pick me up a good pair o' shoes, can you?" "I got a bad need for a good pair o' shoes." "Is there any chance of you being able to p... pick me up a pair?" " Said you wanted me to get you up." " What for?" "You said you were thinking of going down to Sidcup." "Oh, aye, that'd be a good thing if I could get down there." "It doesn't look much of a day." "Oh, that's shot it then, in't it?" "I didn't have a very good night again." "I slept terrible." " You were making..." " Terrible." "Had a bit o' rain in the night, didn't it?" "Just a bit." "Yeah, I thought so." "Come in on me 'ead." "The draught's blowing right in on me 'ead, anyway." "Can't you shut that bloody window?" " You could." " Well, what about it, then?" "The rain's coming right in on me 'ead." "Got to have a bit of air." "Listen, don't talk to me about air, boy." "I've lived all me life in the air!" "All I'm trying to say, there's too much air coming in through that window when I'm asleep." "It's very stuffy in here without the window open." "Yes, but listen, you don't understand what I'm telling you." "The bloody rain, man, come right in on me 'ead!" "That's done me trip to Sidcup." "What about closing that window now?" "It'll be coming in 'ere." "Hey." "Close it for the time being." "You haven't found those shoes you was gonna look out for me, 'ave you?" "No, I'll see if I can pick some up for you today." "I mean, I can't go out in these." "Can't even go get meself a cup of tea." "There's a café just along the road." "There may be, mate, there may be." "I used to go there quite a bit." "Years ago, now." "But I stopped." "I used to like that place." "I spent quite a bit of time in there." "I thought they understood what I said." "I mean, I used to talk to them." "Same with the factory." "I used to talk about things and these men used to listen whenever I had anything to say." "It was all right." "Trouble was,... .. used to have..." "kind of hallucinations." "But they weren't hallucinations." "They..." "I used to get the feeling I could see things... very clearly." "Everything was so clear." "Everything used to..." "Everything used to get very quiet." "Everything got very quiet." "All this... quiet and this clear sight, it was..." "But maybe..." "I was wrong." "Anyway..." "Someone must've... said something." "I don't know anything about it." "Some kind of lie must've got around and this lie went round." "I thought people started being funny in that café." "Factory." "Couldn't understand it." "Then one day... .. they took me to a hospital..." "right outside London." "They got me there." "I didn't want to go." "Tried to get out quite a few times." "It wasn't very easy." "They asked me questions in there." "They got me in and they asked me all sorts of questions." "Well, I told them when they wanted to know what my thoughts were." "Mm." "Then one day,... this man,... .. the head doctor, I suppose it was, he... he called me in." "He said..." "He told me I had something." "He said... they'd concluded their examination, that's what he said." "And he showed me a pile of papers and he said that I'd got something." "Some complaint." "He said..." "Just said that, you see." ""You've got this thing that's your complaint and we've decided," he said," ""that in your interests there's only one course we can take. "" "He said "We're gonna do something to your brain. "" "He said "If we don't, you'll be in here for the rest of your life. "" ""But if we do,..." "you stand a chance," he said," ""you can go out and live like the others. "" ""What d'you want to do to my brain?" I said to him." "But he just repeated what he'd said." "Well, I wasn't a fool." "I knew I was a minor." "I knew they couldn't do anything to me without getting permission." "I knew they had to get permission from my mother." "So I wrote to her and I told her what they were trying to do." "But she signed the form, you see, giving them permission." "I know that because he showed me her signature when I brought it up." "Well, about a week later,... .. they started to come round and do this thing to the brain." "We were all supposed to have it done, in this ward." "They came round and did it one at a time, one a night." "They used to come round with these..." "I don't know what they were." "They looked like big pincers with wires on." "The wires were attached to a little machine." "It was electric." "They used to hold the man down." "And then this chief..." "this chief doctor,... .. he would fit the pincers..." "something like earphones." "He used to fit them either side of the man's skull and keep them there." "There was a man holding the machine, you see." "He'd turn it on and then this chief,... .. he'd press these pincers against the man's skull and keep them there." "Then they'd take 'em off, cover the man up... and they wouldn't touch him again until later on." "Well, they were coming round to me." "The night they came, I got up off my bed and I stood against the wall." "They told me to get back on the bed." "I knew they had to get me back on the bed." "If they did it while I was standing up, they might break my spine." "So I stood up." "Then one or two of them came for me." "Well, I was younger then." "Much stronger then than I am now." "I was quite strong then." "I laid one of them out." "I got another one round the throat and then suddenly this chief, he had these pincers on my skull." "And I knew they weren't supposed to do it while I was standing up and... .. that's why I..." "Anyway,... he did it." "Though I did get out, I got out of the place." "But I couldn't walk very well." "I don't think my spine was damaged." "No, that was perfectly all right." "Trouble was,..." "I couldn't hear what people were saying." "I couldn't look to the right or the left, I had to look straight ahead." "If I turned my head round, I couldn't keep upright." "And I had these headaches." "I used to sit in my room." "It was when I lived with my mother." "And my brother." "He was younger than me." "I laid everything out in order in my room, all the things that were mine." "But I didn't die." "Anyway,..." "I feel much better now." "But I don't talk to people now." "I steer clear of places like that café." "I don't go into them now." "I don't talk to anyone... .. like that." "I've often thought of going back and trying to find the man who did that to me." "But I want to do something first." "I want to build that shed out in the garden." "Jump in!" "Ha!" " You turned me over, mate." " Come on!" "Er..." "Sitting comfortably, are you?" " Where are you going?" " I'm going to Sidcup." "No, sorry, can't do it." "The road'll be up on the A222." "That'll mean doubling back on the B2210." "It's all one-way down there, you see." "And we haven't got enough headroom for the humpback bridge." "Come and have a drink at my place sometime." "Listen to some Tchaikovsky." "Ta-ta." "See ya." "I mean,... you and me, we could get this place going!" "Yes, you're quite right." "Look what I could do with this place." "I could turn this place into a penthouse." "Or, for instance, this room." "This room you could have as your kitchen." "Right size,... .. nice window, sun comes in." "I'd have teal-blue, copper and parchment linoleum squares." "I'd have them colours re-echoed in the walls." "I'd offset the kitchen units with charcoal-grey worktops." "Plenty of space for cupboards for the crockery." "I'd have a... a small wall cupboard, a large wall cupboard... .. and a corner wall cupboard with revolving shelves." "You wouldn't be short of cupboards." "And a dining room you could have across the landing, see." "Venetian blinds on the window." "Yeah, Venetian blinds." "Cork floor, cork tiles." "You could have an off-white pile linen rug." "A table in afrormosia teak veneer." "Sideboard with matt-black drawers." "Curved chairs with cushioned seats." "Armchairs in oatmeal tweed." "Beech-frame settee with a woven sea-grass seat." "White-topped, heat-resistant coffee table." "White tile surround." "Oh, yes." "And a bedroom." "Now, what's a bedroom, eh?" "It's a retreat." "Place to go for rest and peace." "Now, you want quiet decoration." "Lighting functional." "Furniture, mahogany and rosewood." "Deep azure-blue carpet." "Unglazed blue-and-white curtains." "Bedspread with a pattern of small blue roses on a white ground." "And a dressing table with a lift-up top containing a plastic tray." "Table lamp, white raffia." "It wouldn't be a flat, it would be a palace." "I'll say it would, man!" " A palace." " Who would live 'ere?" "I would." "My brother and me." "Well, wh... what about me?" "All his stuff in here." "It's no good to anybody, it's a lot of old iron, it's clobber." "You couldn't make a home out of this!" "There's no way you could arrange it." "It's junk!" "He couldn't sell it, he wouldn't get tuppence for it." "It's junk!" "But he don't seem to be interested in what I got in mind, that's his trouble." "Why don't you have a chat with him and see if he's interested?" " Me?" " Yeah, you're a friend of his." " He ain't no friend o' mine." " You live in the same room as him." "He ain't no friend o' mine." "No, what you wanna do is speak to 'im, see." "You want to tell 'im, erm, er, tell 'im that we got ideas for this place." "Er, we could get it started!" "." "I'd d... decorate it out..." "for you and..." "I'd..." "I'd give you a hand in..." "doing it... between us." "No, you're the one as wants to talk to 'im." "You're his brother." "Yes." "Maybe I will." "Where are you going?" "This is 'im!" "Pair of shoes." "Pick them up." "Try them." " Where's the laces?" " No laces." "I can't wear 'em without laces, can I?" "I just got the shoes." "Well, now, look, this just about puts the tin lid on it, don't it?" "The only way to keep shoes on right, if... if you haven't got no laces, is to tighten the foot, see, walk about with a tight foot, see?" "Well, that's no good to the foot." "That puts a bad... strain on it." "I might have some somewhere." "You see what I'm getting at?" "Yes." "Here's some." "These is brown." "It's all I've got." "The shoes... is black." "Well, they can do until I get hold of another pair." " Stop it, will you?" "I can't sleep." " What?" "What?" "Wh..." " What's going on?" " You're making noises." "I'm an old man." "What do you expect me to do, stop breathing?" "What do you expect me to do?" "I tell you, mate, I'm not surprised they took you in." "Waking an old man in the middle of the night, you must be off your nut." "What do you want me to do, stop breathing?" "I've had just about enough of you mucking me about!" "Why'd you invite me in 'ere if you was gonna treat me like this?" "I know enough." "They 'ad you inside one of them places before, they could 'ave you inside again!" "They can put them pincers on your 'ead again, man." "They can 'ave 'em on again, any time." "All they need to do is get the word." "Carry you in there, boy." "They'd come 'ere, pick you up and carry you in!" "They'd get ya fixed." "They'd put them pincers on your 'ead again, man, they'd keep you fixed!" "They'd take one look at all this..." "junk I got to sleep with!" "They'd know you was a creamer!" "Ah, nobody messes me about for long." "You think I'm gonna do all your dirty work." "Uh?" "Think I'm gonna do all your dirty work?" "All up and down them stairs?" "Just so's I can sleep in this lousy, filthy hole every night?" "Not me, boy." "Not for you, boy." "You don't know what you're doing, 'alf the time." "You're up the creek!" "You're 'alf off." "Whoever saw you slip me a few bob?" "Treated me like a bloody animal!" "I never been inside a nuthouse!" "Don't come nothing with me, boy." "I got this 'ere." "I used it." "I used it!" "Don't come it with me." "I think... it's about time you found somewhere else." "I don't think we're hitting it off." "Find somewhere else?" "Me?" "Not me, man, you!" "You'd better find somewhere else." "I live here." "You don't." "Don't I?" "Well, I live 'ere, I've been offered a job 'ere." "Yes." "But I don't think you're really suitable." "Not... suitable, eh?" "Well, let me tell you, there's someone 'ere thinks I am suitable." "Get it?" "Your brother." "He's told me, see, he's told me the job is mine." "I'm gonna be 'is... caretaker." "Look..." "If I give you a few bob,..." "you can get down to Sidcup." "You build your shed first." "A few bob." "When I can pick up a steady wage 'ere!" "You build your stinking shed first, that's what." "Don't come too near!" "That's not a stinking shed." "You've no reason to call that shed stinking." "You stink." " What?" " You've been stinking the place out." " Christ!" "You say that to me?" " That's one reason I can't sleep." "You call me that!" "You call me stinking!" "You'd better go." "I'll stink you!" "I'll... stink you." "Get your stuff." "You're..." "You're not right." "Hey, leave that alone!" "That's mine!" "You wait." "I've been offered a job 'ere." "You wait." "Your brother,..." "he'll sort you out." "If you call me that..." "You... call me... that." "Nobody... ain't..." "ain't never called me that." "You ain't heard the last of this." "You'll be sorry you called me that." "Now I know who I can trust." "Stink!" "That's what he said to me!" "That's what he said to me." " You don't stink." " No, sir." "If you stank, I'd be the first one to tell you." "I..." "I told 'im, I..." "I said to 'im..." "I told 'im you'd be coming along to sort 'im out." "I don't know what he's started, saying... s... saying that to me." ""You ain't heard the last of this, man," I said." "I said to 'im, I..." "I said to 'im "Your brother'll be along!"" ""He's got sense." "Not like you. "" " What d'you mean?" " Eh?" "Are you saying my brother hasn't got any sense?" "What?" "Well, what I mean, I..." "I take orders... from you." "Do my, er,... caretaking for you." "You look upon me as a... as a..." "You don't treat me like a lump o' dirt!" " Well..." " Mind if I finish my tea first?" " Oh, he's not 'ere." " No." "Maybe he's down there." "Where can the bastard be?" "'Ey, look at that!" " Look here, I've been thinking." " What?" "As things stand, I don't mind having a go at doing up the place." "That's what I wanted to 'ear!" " You'd better be as good as you say." " What do you mean?" "You say you're an interior decorator." "You'd better be a good one." " A what?" " "A what?" A decorator." "An interior decorator." "W..." "What d'you mean?" "I..." "I never done that." "Never touched that." " You never what?" " No, not me, man." "I'm not, er,... interior decorator." "I..." "I been too busy." "Too many, er..." "other things to do, you see." "I thought you said you were one." "Ah, now, wait a minute, wait a minute." "You got the wrong man." "Oh, how could I have the wrong man?" "You're the only man I've spoken to about my dreams, my deepest wishes." "You're the only man I've told." "I only told you because I understood you to be a first-class, professional, experienced interior and exterior decorator." " Now, look 'ere..." " You wouldn't know how to fit teal-blue, copper and parchment linoleum squares?" "And have them colours re-echoed in the walls?" "Er, look 'ere..." "You wouldn't you know how to decorate a table in afrormosia teak veneer, armchairs in oatmeal tweed and a beech-frame settee with a sea-grass seat?" " I never said that!" " I was under a false impression." " I never said it!" " You're a bloody impostor, mate." " Don't start calling me names!" " What is your name?" " Now don't start that." " No, your real name." " Me real name's Davies." " What's the name you go under?" " Jenkins." " Two names?" "What about the rest?" "Why'd you give me all this dirt about you being an interior decorator?" "I never told you nothing!" "It was your brother 'as told you." "He'd tell you anything, out of spite." "He's nutty." "He's halfway gone, he'd tell you anything!" "It was 'im 'as told you." "What did you call my brother?" " When?" " He's what?" " Now get this straight." " Nutty?" "Who's nutty?" "Did you call my brother nutty, eh?" "My brother." "Well, now, that's..." "That's a bit of an impertinent thing to say, isn't it?" "But he says so 'imself!" "What a strange man you are." "You're really strange." "Ever since you come into this house there's been nothing but trouble." "Honest." "I can take nothing you say at face value." "Every word you speak is open to any number of different interpretations." "Most of what you say is lies." "You're violent, you're erratic, you're just completely unpredictable." "In fact, when it comes down to it, you're nothing but a wild animal." "You're an old barbarian!" "To put the tin lid on it, you stink from arsehole to breakfast time." "Well, look at it!" "You come 'ere, recommending yourself as an interior decorator, whereupon I take you on." "And what happens, eh?" "You make a long speech about all them references you got at Sidcup." "And what happens?" "I haven't noticed you going to Sidcup to obtain them." "It's all most regrettable, but it really does look as though I'm compelled to pay you off for your caretaking work." "There's 'alf a dollar." "All right, then." "You do that." "You do it." "If that's what you want." "That's what I want!" "Anyone'd think that this house was all I got to worry about." "I got plenty of other things I can worry about." "I got other interests!" "I've got my business to build up, haven't I?" "I've got a thing about expanding in all directions." "I don't stand still." "I'm moving about all the time!" "I'm on the move all the time!" "I got to think about the future!" "I don't worry about this house!" "My brother can worry about it." "He can decorate it up, he can do what he likes with it, I'm not bothered." "I thought I was doing 'im a favour, letting 'im live 'ere." "He's got his own ideas, let 'im 'ave 'em." "I'm going to chuck it in." "Look, erm..." "I,... er,... .. just, er, come back for..." ".. for me pipe." "Oh, yes?" "Yes!" "I..." "I go out and halfway down" "I suddenly realised that I..." "I hadn't got me pipe so I... come back to get it." "So I thought I'd, er,..." "nip back for it, like." "Listen, er,..." "you didn't mean that,... .. did you, a... about me stinking?" "Did you?" "Did you?" "L..." "Look, I been thinking." "Why I made all them noises, er, it was because of the draught." "Er, see, the... the... the draught was on me as I lay sleeping." "It made me make them noises without me knowing it." "So, er..." "What I've been thinking, er, what I mean to say, if I was to 'ave your bed,..." ".. you 'ave my bed..." "There's not all that difference between 'em, they're the... the same sort of bed." "Well, you sleep wherever bed you're in and I'd be out of the draught, you see, that'd be all right." "Well, you don't mind a bit of wind, you like a bit of air." "So I reckon that'd be the best way out of it, we swap beds, then we could get on with what we were saying." "I'd look after the place for you, er,... keep an eye on it for you." "I'd... caretake for you." "For you, like, not for the, er,... not for the other, not... not for your brother." "For you." "I'd be your man." "You say the word." "No, I like sleeping in this bed." "But you don't understand my meaning!" "Anyway, that one's my brother's bed." "But your brother's gone!" "He's gone!" "No, I couldn't change beds." "But you don't understand my meaning!" "Anyway, I'm going to be busy." "I've got that shed to get up." "If I don't get it up now, it'll never go up." "Till it's up, I can't get started." "Well, I'd give you 'and to put up your shed!" "That's what I'll do!" "You see what I'm saying?" "I can get it up myself." "But listen, I'm 'ere!" "I'm with ya!" "I'll do it for ya!" "Er, we'll do it together." "Christ, we'll change beds!" "Look 'ere, listen, man, I don't mind." "I..." "If you don't wanna swap beds, all right, we'll keep it as it is." "I..." "I'll stay in the same bed." "If I could get, maybe, er, a bit of stronger sacking, like, to go o... over that window." "Er, keep out the draught." "That'll do it." "Well, what do you say?" "We'll keep it as it is." "No." "Why not?" "You make too much noise." "Look 'ere!" "Listen!" "Listen 'ere!" "I mean..." "What am I going to do?" "Eh?" "What'll I do?" "Where am I going to go?" "All right." "If you want me to go, I'll go." "You say the word." "Just say the word." "Listen!" "I..." "If I could get down to, er..." "I..." "If I could, er, get 'old of me papers, would, er,... would you, er, w..." "Would you let me..." "If I got down..." ".. and... .. got me..."