"I'm not sick but I'm not well" "And I'm so hot" "Cos I'm in hell." "'OK, here we go, wedding day, I'm heading for a wedding." "'How do I feel?" "Empty?" "Check." "Scared?" "Check." "'AIone?" "Check." "'Just another ordinary day. (Chuckles)" "'Very funny." "'Oh, great." "I didn't expect a freshly ironed shirt, but him?" "'" "Super Hans, it's my wedding day." "I need to get into my bathroom." "All right, keep your wig on." " God, Jeremy, this place is disgusting." " I know." "A pretty amazing unofficial stag night, yeah?" "I'm so glad I didn't attend almost any of it." "Did you slink off to bed before we did the melon-off?" "I believe so." "What exactly is?" "Two guys get hard-ons, they put melons on their dicks, first melon to fall off loses." "Right and who won" " Gore Vidal or Doctor Jonathan Miller?" "Is that?" "Nancy stayed?" "Yup." "Lovely clean Nancy all over our filthy, horrible sofa." "Things are looking up." "Right, the farewell breakfast." "I'm making you the last breakfast." "Shit!" "The last breakfast." "Yup." "Sit down, I'm making toast." "One brown, one white." "White's the pudding, yeah?" "That's right." "Oh, one of Super Hans's quite menacing friends started burning faces in the Mighty White with cigarettes, so that's all gone, but how about a cream cracker and a Ryvita?" " A cream cracker and a Ryvita?" " Bit the same." "That's my wedding breakfast." "No, OK, sorry." "Well, I'll just run out and get us some coffees and croissants and freshly squeezed OJ." " Really?" " Well..." "I haven't got very much cash at the moment and no-one round here really does that sort of thing, but I would, if you wanted." "I mean, I will." "I mean, obviously I can't, but I would." "That's very kind, Jez." "Hey, Nance, how was the sofa?" "Oh, fine." "Super Hans tried to sexually assault me a couple of times, but I told him where to get off." "Super Hans." "Sorry." "So, looking forward to the wedding?" "Oh, right." "Listen, Mark, I'm gonna have to miss it, I'm sorry." "Oh, right, OK." "Why are you not coming, Nance?" "Too many memories?" " What?" " Of us, of our wedding, when we got married." "Oh, shit, I forgot we got married." "I'm always forgetting that." "It is so weird that we got married." "I know, I forget too, sometimes." "My dad's just in town, he wants me to move back to the States." "Said he's gonna buy me a condo and a boat." "'Shit, it's happening, she's out of my life forever." "What am I gonna do?" "'Could pretend it's not happening." "That's worked for everything else.'" "Nancy, don't have the melon." "That's not good melon." "Right, so, listen, Mark, you must be so excited?" "Yup, yeah, a very exciting day." "You're gonna be married to Sophie for the rest of your life." "No need to rub it in, Nance." "It's such a big commitment." "Well, not really." "But if you love each other, then it's massive." "Fine, no, I agree, it's great." "It's massive, I'm really looking forward to it, all right, satisfied?" "Bit tense, wedding nerves." "Right, well, I'm gonna freshen up before I hit the road." "Jez, I need to have a look over your speech." "What?" "The best man's speech, I need to fact check it." "No, I don't think so, mate." "I don't mind it being risque, Jeremy." "I just wanna make sure it's accurate." "Also I will veto any jokes about mucus, vomit or excrement." "I don't really want to." "Come on, Jez, I'm feeling very tense and nervous and unhappy and I think maybe worrying about your speech is the reason why." "That isn't why." "Yes, well, can I please just see it?" "Well, no, cos the truth is, there is no speech." " What?" " Oh, come on, mate." "We both know you're not gonna marry Sophie today." "It's making you tense, nervous and unhappy." "You'll stay here with me." "I don't make you tense, nervous or unhappy." " Yes, you do." " Not to nearly the same extent." "And what's gonna happen to me?" "I mean, Nancy's going back to America." "I mean, am I gonna live here, like, on my own?" "Who am I gonna go to the pub with?" "Who's gonna do the forms for, like, the TV and the gas and the water?" "Me?" "Don't you see?" "None of this works, Mark." "Look, Jez, it's my wedding day and you need to write a speech cos I am going to get married." "BANG" "Oh, shit, Nancy's in the bog." "Jez, I'm gonna puke, where do you want me to do it?" "RETCHING" "Oooh." "Sorry, dude." "OK, so I thought I'd start with, "I will now do my best to give Mark" ""the six most uncomfortable minutes of his life," ""and the six most uncomfortable minutes of Sophie's life" ""will be coming up later, courtesy of Mark."" "I don't like it at all." "It sounds like I'm gonna attack her." "It does not sound like you're going to attack her." "No, Jez, it's blue, put something else." "Well, I'd have to pay for another opening joke." "Pay?" "Jeremy, is that from the internet?" "Are you doing my speech from the internet?" "Yeah, that was a risque icebreaker." "Would you prefer a conservative icebreaker?" "Yes, that sounds perfect." "Now, can we please get going?" "I've allowed us a generous four hours to get to the church, but I don't want to eat into our margin of safety by yakking here." "Ok, I'll do conservative icebreaker." "Met at college material, couple of middle of the road inebriation gags, bang..." "I'm out of there." "Good." "You know, I actually find it quite comforting that our entire relationship can be reduced to an online speech template." "I mean, Kenneth Halliwell and Joe Orton couldn't do that." "(Groaning) Oh, fucking hell." "Is he gonna be OK?" "Oh, yeah, he's on the dry heaves, so the upholstery should be fine." "I don't think he'll die, he never normally dies." "Are you all right, Super Hans?" "RETCHING" "Got most of it in a shoe." "My shoe, my wedding shoe!" "First my hat and now my shoe." "You said you were on the dry heaves." "That was a wetty." "I'm gonna puke again, Jez, pull over." "Jeremy, do not pull over, that's an order." "You'll have to be sick in this - we're on a schedule." "Just stop, all right." "I'm gonna be sick, out of both ends." "Jeremy, he's by my cummerbund." "Pull over immediately!" "VOMITS" "Right, so me, hat and shoes." "You, speech." "Let Super Hans keep retching till he's chundering fresh air." "Meet back in 20 minutes max, OK?" "You're really doing this, aren't you, you maniac?" "You're actually marrying Sophie and leaving me on my own." "Well, yes." "I know why you're doing this, Mark." "You're marrying her to spite me." " Don't be ridiculous." " This is you all over." "You'd rather get married for the whole of your life than consider that maybe I might be right." "Listen, Jeremy, just get yourself to an internet cafe to cut and paste some appropriate sentiments about me from the worldwide web, OK?" "'I'm not marrying out of spite, I'm marrying out of fear." "'There's a very big difference.'" "'Oh, this is not how I imagined it, 'scrubbing my puke-stained wedding wear in a coffee shop toilet." "'Still, none of it's how I imagined it." "'Just wish I felt a tiny bit excited, 'not like I was marching to the gulag for an undetermined crime.'" "Thank you." "'God, look at her." "I would break my own fingers 'just to spend one night with her." "'Ah!" "Jenkins on Churchill, she is the perfect woman.'" "Can I help you?" "Can I get a filter coffee to take away?" "Sure, anything else?" "'Might as well ask.'" "Yes, will you marry me?" "Sorry?" "You probably don't want to, I just thought I'd check." "Right, no, I don't think so." "OK, that's fine, no biggie." "'God, what's happening to me?" "'Am I really gonna get married?" "'I don't want to, but calling off the wedding at the last minute?" "'I don't wanna hurt lovely Sophie." "Need time to think." "'How can I buy some time?" "'Contract TB?" "But where from?" "'No badgers." "'Try to get beaten up?" "'I could say, "He's got a fat head,"" "'call him a jizz cock?" "'Not actually an insult - all cocks are jizz cocks really, 'be like calling him a piss kidney." "'Road traffic accident?" "'Yeah, that'd kick everything into touch for a few months." "'Shit!" "Could I?" "Here it comes." "'Come on, Mark, take the hit." "Keep your eyes on the prize.'" "What the hell are you doing?" " Sorry, I didn't see you." " You were looking straight at me." "'Must get injured!" "'" "Well, you should be more careful, you jizz cock." "What?" "You could have had my legs off, you piss kidney." "Arsehole." "'Arsehole!" "Yup, nice insult - clean, clear and insulting.'" "Are you OK?" "Yeah, yeah, fine." "Bit of a wobble." "I just proposed to a woman in a coffee shop and tried to get myself run over." "OK, right." "That is maybe a sign that everything isn't totally groovy." "I think you're right." "I shouldn't marry Sophie, I should call it off." "Brilliant!" "Let's call this mother off, the old dude brothers are back." "IMITATES FOG HORN" "One thing - you have left it pretty late, it will be a jilting." "Oh, no." "God, no, no, it's not a jilting." "I'm gonna tell her right away." "A jilt is at the altar, I'm not jilting." "I think anything on the wedding day is a jilting." "No, at the altar." ""He jilted her at the altar."" "But that implies he could have jilted her somewhere else." "Come on, we need to get Super Hans and go." "MOBILE PHONE RINGS" "Nancy!" "Hello." ""Hi, Jeremy." "I've just had a big bust up with my dad." ""I wanna come hang out with you at the wedding." ""Can you pick me up?" "I'm at the Heathrow Hilton."" "Brilliant, right, hold on, I'll be right there." "OK, let's go." "Fuck Super Hans, he'll be fine." "Let's leave him." "Do you think we can leave him in that toilet, lying in his various liquids?" "Well, obviously it's not what either of us would ideally like to do." "No-one wanted to drop the bomb on Hiroshima, but in the end it probably saved more lives than if they hadn't." "Exactly." "'Pretty straightforward conflict here - he wants to go to the wedding," "'I want to see Nancy, but I'm the one holding the wheel.'" " Jez, wrong way, mate." " Oh, it's a short cut." "That's not possible." "We're just making a little detour." "Nancy wants to come to the wedding, we'll just nip over to Heathrow." "Nancy!" "No, Jez, I need to see Sophie." "Just tell her on the phone." "Oh, no." "Cancelling the wedding on the day is one thing, doing it over the phone, that's despicable." "I don't think that a distinction as big in reality as it is in your mind." "Jeremy, we are going to see Sophie." "We're going to Nancy's." "Look, Jez, Nancy's bolted." "She doesn't love you." "You're a love rat." "One hour isn't gonna make any fucking difference." "It is, I 'm won't be known as "Mark, the jilter" forever." "We're in the middle of the road." "You'll get us killed for the sake of your legacy." "Stop it!" "You're not fucking Blair." "Release the wheel." "All right." "Fine, bloody hell." " Let's go and give Sophie a nice timely jilting." " Thank you." "For the record, Nancy's not bullshit." "She does love me." "OK, sure, and I'm not a love rat." "No, of course not." "Still, good to clear the air." "Yeah, I'm glad we've cleared the air." "Lovely, clear air." "So, here we are, the House of Pain." "MOBILE BEEPS" "Oh, my God." "Guess what?" "Nancy's coming after all - Super Hans is giving her a lift!" "He's only bloody come through for me." "Count the kisses, Mark." "She's happy and she wants to kiss me, four times." "Brilliant, except of course, I am about to cancel the wedding." "Yeah, but Nancy's gonna be there, probably in a lovely dress." "Oh, God, look at it, Jez." "Look at all the wedding stuff." "Everyone's getting ready for a wedding." "Well, you did basically arrange a wedding." "Shit, Jez, I don't think I can do it." "I don't think I have a good enough reason to call off this wedding." "I know a reason." " What?" " I've got a reason, but you have to promise not to be angry with me." "What is it?" "Did you get off with her?" "No, God, something else, but you've got to promise not to be angry." "OK, I promise." "Release the gold." "OK." "Well, actually, I did get off with her." "I snogged her at the JLB conference." "What?" "You're kidding!" "You're my best friend and you copped off with my fiancee?" "You lovely bastard!" "This is dynamite!" "This is the perfect excuse!" "Why the hell didn't you tell me about this earlier?" "Well, I thought you might be angry." "I am angry, very angry, but also incredibly relieved." "It's difficult to express both emotions at once." "Look, I am very sorry." "You're not just saying this, you wouldn't just make this up, would you, to try and keep me happy?" " No, course not." " Oh, this is sweet." "I am out of this, no questions asked." "You shitty, faithless, backstabbing beauty." "DOORBELL" "Hello, Mark, Jeremy." "Hello, Penny." "Where's Sophie?" "She's upstairs getting her hair done, why?" " I just need to see her." " You can't see the bride!" "It's bad luck." "I need to see her immediately." " Why?" " Something massive has come up." "Maybe I can sort it out." " You can't." "Let me through." " What do you want?" "Sophie was unfaithful." "She had an affair, with Jeremy." "I need to talk to Sophie about the whole wedding." "You two had an affair." "Well, sorry, yeah, we did a bit." " God, that's..." " I mean, not really an actual affair." "We had a snog." "I mean, these things happen, Penny." " We were both very drunk." " Mark, a snog is not an affair." "Well, in my eyes, I'm afraid she's been unfaithful." "She broke a sacred bond, sort of like a whore." "You've come here to talk about the wedding because of a drunken snog?" "It was a breech of trust." "Oh, come on, Mark!" "Did you even use tongues?" "A bit of tongues, not much." " You see." " Nevertheless..." "Nerves are perfectly natural, but everyone's arriving." "It's gonna be a wonderful day." "You'll be very happy." "But if you really want to go in there and talk to Sophie about calling it off because of a silly drunken snog, then go on, do it." "See you at the church." "Why couldn't you at least have said you'd fucked her, eh?" "Would that have been so very hard?" "How the hell has it come to this?" "This is wrong, this is terribly wrong." "So, what do you reckon?" "Are you getting married or not?" "I don't know," "I don't wanna end up on my own, like Miss Haversham, wanking into a flannel, but I do feel very strongly that it's not... right." "There are strong arguments on both sides." "It's a moot point." "This wedding is moot!" "It can't be moot, you can't have a moot wedding." "You need to decide." "I think we should leave a note and get the fuck out." "I just don't know, Jez." "Yeah, well, you need to decide cos I'm going for a piss." "'Oh, this is gonna be horrible." "'He's gonna get married and never let me forget the kiss 'and Sophie will never forgive me for telling him." "'Am I actually going to piss on the church?" "'It would be quite a statement." "'Yeah, baby, here I go." "'Richard Dawkins walks the walk, 'but he does he follow through with an actual act of piss?" "'Oh, shit!" "Sophie's dad!" "Didn't even get to bloody wee." "'Typical!" "It's all, him, him, him.'" " Sophie's dad's coming!" " Shit!" "Hide." " What?" "Why?" " I need to think." "I can't talk to the dad." "I'm wrestling with the biggest fucking decision of my life and he's gonna wanna talk about button holes and the parking situation, which to be fair, is a bit of a nightmare." "What about my piss?" "I really need to wee, Mark." "Forget it, Jez." "Hold it in." "'Oh, "Hold it in," he says." "This is like a Japanese game show." "'Next he'll put an octopus over my face.'" "OK, we're safe up here." "Were you praying just then?" "No, of course not." "I was just kneeling." "Having a nice little kneel." "CHURCH ORGAN PLAYS" "God, I am dying for a piss." "It's like someone's inflating a balloon full of urine inside me, and not in a good way." "Shit!" "There's Mum and Dad." "Maybe I should?" "We'd still be OK to go down there now, just." "I could say I was looking for God up here." "It might not be bad to look like I've gone a tiny bit mad." "Where's Nancy?" "Why still no lovely Nancy?" "Oh, fuck!" "Sophie!" "(Mark) Oh, my God." "There she is." "She looks so beautiful." "How many missed calls have you got?" "28." "That's bullshit." "I've got 73." "Right." "Shit, I need to sort this." "I mean, what am I gonna do?" "What's gonna happen here?" "Cos, personally, I have no idea." "I really need to get to a urinal, Mark." "Do you know what?" "I think I might toss a coin." "Tossing a coin might be the best available route open to me." " You are joking?" " I don't seem to have any other ideas." "OK." "So, heads, I marry - lifetime of potential grinding resentment." "Tails, I stay here, become a social outcast and turn my back on the woman I may very well love." " I'm excited." " I'm kind of excited too." "So..." "Ah, it's marry." "I'm gonna marry." "Shit." "Best of three?" "Yes, exactly, best of three." "Ah, heads again." "Shit!" "Best of five?" "No, the coin has spoken." "Great." "Let's get out of here." "I am busting." " No, I'm not getting married." " You're over-ruling the coin?" "Well, the coin isn't the boss of me, Jeremy." "And how I felt when it told me to marry makes me think I definitely shouldn't." "So, text everyone..." "text everyone to tell them that." "A text?" "Tell them..." "Tell them I'm doing a Stephen Fry." "We're in Brussels." "I'm eating chips and mayonnaise." "I'm on the edge." "You found a blanket under the garage door and I'm wearing an overcoat and no-one should approach me and I'll be back soon and everything's fine." "Maybe we'll have a wedding in a couple of weeks, but I'm on the edge, stress that." "Everyone needs to be kind to me." "Text that." "You want me to send all that to everyone?" "I'll cover the cost." "OK, fine, man, but first I can't go on any longer, my bladder, I'm busting." "I'm sorry, there's nothing I can do, is there?" "Let me piss in that prayer bucket." "Prayer bucket?" "There's no such thing as..." "That's just a bucket." "OK, I'm gonna creep up to the bucket." "No, no, no, you can't move." "What am I gonna do then?" "I can't hold on?" "If you really can't hold it in, then you'll just have to... piss yourself." "You're telling me to piss myself?" "Yes, piss yourself." " Is this what it's come to?" " Yes, and do it quietly." "Great, and what shall I do after I've pissed myself?" "Fuck myself?" "Eat myself?" "You're such a..." " Are you doing it already?" " Yes, I'm doing it already." "I'm so pathetic that as soon as you ordered me to piss myself, I started the procedure." "This is what you've done." "You've ground down my sense of self-worth over the years." "When are you gonna stop?" "Not for a bit." "Stop, Jeremy!" "It's going down the cracks." " I can't stop." " Stop." "Oh, "Piss yourself." "Stop pissing yourself." The floodgates are open." "I'm ordering you to stop!" "You're being a real dick about this, aren't you?" "Shit!" "Oh, shit, shit!" "Oh, my god!" "This has gotta be a dream." "Nothing this bad could ever happen in reality." "'What am I gonna do?" "Throw myself off?" "'" "Surprise!" "Hello." "It's me." "Look, I've surprised you." "What a brilliant joke!" "...And so, in a sense, Sophie and Mark, here before us, are not just marrying each other, but marrying all of us today." " Are you sure you want to do this, Mark?" " Of course I want to do this." "This is great." "It's just with the hiding." "I wasn't hiding, Sophie." "It was a stag thing and it really, really worked." "Everyone was so surprised, especially you." "Brilliant." "But first I am required to ask anyone present who knows a reason why these persons may not lawfully marry to declare it now." "'Oh, please!" "Someone, save me!" "'Jeremy?" "Spacemen?" "'" "The vows you are about to take are to be made in the name of God, who is judge of all and knows all the secrets of our hearts." "'He's ladling it on now." "Is that the proper thing?" "'He hasn't just put that in to needle me, has he?" "'" "SHE SOBS" "'Oh, great, now she's crying and I probably look like a wife beater." "I'm unhappy too.'" "Will you take Sophie Hortensia Chapman..." "'Hortensia!" "'Oh, this is a fucking disaster." "'Look at me." "I'm one of those men women read about in their magazines.' ...and forsaking all others be faithful to her as long as you both shall live." "l-I will." "'That's it." "I've ruined it." "I've ruined my life." "'You only get one life and I've ruined mine.' ...as long as you both shall live?" "'Please don't say; "I will."'" " I will." " 'Oh.'" "Then I now pronounce you, man and wife." "BOTH SOB" "You may kiss the bride." "'Tears of joy." "They're tears of joy." "'That's the line we both stick to, 'now and for the rest of our miserable lives.'" "'So, I've done it." "I'm married." "'lf only New Labour hadn't abolished the tax advantages," "'I'd have something positive to cling on to right now.'" "Ow!" "Look, you could really..." "Some of it's going on Sophie, guys, please!" "Come on!" "He got married, didn't he?" "Leave him alone." "Thanks." "Thanks, Jez." "I'll see you at the reception." "OK." "It'll be all right, mate." "You can still come round." "I'll keep your room just the same - like if you'd died." "IMITATES FOGHORN" "IMITATES FOGHORN" "'OK, it's happened, he's gone." "'I'm on my own." "'This is a disaster." "I need to take stock." "'I need to reassess." "I need to find someone who can sell me some weed." "'Where's Nancy?" "Her lovely face always makes..." "'Oh, fuck!" "'" "Well, that was... that was one to tell our grandchildren about." "SOBBING" "'Oh, God, more crying.'" "Come on, Soph." "You're worried about the caterers, aren't you?" "Not everyone will go for the tuna." "I just feel terrible." "I feel like I've been shot in the stomach." "Don't say that, Sophs." "It's done now." "Were over the hump." "The hump!" "Our wedding - the hump!" "Stop the car!" "I just wanna go and scrub it all out." "It's not that easy, Soph." "That was the Church of England marriage service, not applying for a Nectar card." "Whatever!" "Divorce, annulled." "I can't..." "This isn't what I want." "He's horrible." "SOBBING" "'That's it." "I'm alone." "'Tomorrow morning, I'll wake up in my bed alone, unless I hire 'a prostitute... just for the night?" "'Kind of like a wedding present.'" "Are you OK, man?" "Me?" "Yeah, good." "No, feeling pretty good." "Do you want some company?" "That'd be nice." "You know, you do smell really quite strongly of piss." "And your hat and shoes smell of puke." "So I guess neither of us are exactly the king, are we?" "So, what now?" "Back to the flat?" "Drive on!" "So, Nancy, did she not show up?" "No, she did... with Super Hans." "So, that's nice." "I think I might divorce her, see how she likes that." "Well, I suppose I should apologise for not letting you go and get her." "Yeah, I was pretty pissed off about that, but I was thinking of waiting for a bit before I brought it up." "Oh, that's nice." "Thanks, man." "It's fine." "I'll just chuck it in with all my other mouldering resentments." "Exactly." "Stick it on the bill." "Paranoia, paranoia" "Everybody's coming to get me" "Just say you never met me" "I'm running underground with the moles" "Digging holes."