"THE TEACHER" "Emmanuelle?" " Yes, I'm here." " Is that you, Emmanuelle?" "Yes, it's me." "I'm all yours!" "All yours..." "Emmanuelle, come to me now!" "You like that, don't you?" "Come into my arms, and you'll enjoy a night you'll never forget." " Mr. Franco..." " Emmanuelle?" "It's me, Carmela." " You always come at the wrong time!" " I brought your breakfast." " What time is it ?" " It's almost 8:00." "You waited 'til now to tell me?" "Aren't you going to eat anything?" "So... you want to look?" "Then look!" "Son of God!" "Good day, Mr. Franco." " Good morning." " Good morning." " Good morning, professor." " Good morning." " Well then, professor?" " What?" "What?" "The record we're going to make." "Ah yes, you write the music and I write the words." "I don't have the time." "Why is that?" "I'm busy writing Greek poetry." "Greek poetry?" "Who'll read Greek poetry?" "You need to write songs!" "We want to become millionaires." "Excuse me, Peppino, I have to go." " What're you teaching today?" " I have a class in feminine hygene." "You're teaching girls?" "Then you better look the part." "Wear your glasses like this, and get your hair right." "Thanks, but I really must go now." "Please take care of my bicycle." "Yes, of course." "And most important, think about those lyrics!" "Without them, we're dead." "Me, I have the music in head." "Professor!" "Good morning, Headmaster." "Today, you're substituting in the remedial class." " The remedial class?" " Yes." " Why?" " You want to earn your keep, yes or no?" "No, Headmaster, I sense there's evil in that class, with all those hoodlums..." " Mottola!" " Good morning." "You're late!" "I assume you were sick." "Now go... go!" "Who was that?" "One of our young people." "We have to help them, support them." "We can't abandon them, it's our mission." " Well, is it our mission or not?" " Yes, of course." "Then go for it." "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen." "Did you see that?" "My ass is harder than your head." "Your headaches are a pain in the ass, because that's where your brains are!" "He's got a headache!" "What a sore head!" "Hey, Franco!" "When you didn't show up we thought you were sick." "Sick of an evil cunt." "He's late because he was in bed with the maid." "The maid?" "I couldn't do it." "Have you seen her face?" "I know, put a pillow over her face." "Then they all look alike." "You know who's substituting for the professor?" "That stupid bastard Cali." "Settle down." "Settle down." "Everyone take his place." " Lazzafame?" " At your command, professor!" " Take the roll call." " Right away." " Ascioni." " Present." " Canestracci." " Present." " Nizzamano." " Present." " Locascio." " Present." " Verderani." " Present." " Mazzuca." " Present." " Lafaccia." " Present." " Del Forno." " Present." " Imballomeni." " Present." " Finocchiaro." " Present." "Lagrua ..." "Help, I'm being robbed!" " Leccavacuo [vacuum licker]." " Present." " Laminchia [the dick]." " Present." " Mangemerde [eat shit]." " Present." " Figliaputtane [whore's daughter]." " Present." " Cornuto te Fatti [cuckolded yourself]." " Present." " Copulamina [fuck me]." " Present." "Alright, I'm on to you." "What's the topic of the day?" "The reproduction of mammals." "Which I'm sure holds no secrets for you." "But since it's in the curriculum, I'll explain it scientifically." "Let's start with the ovum." "A little joke, eh?" "Since it's a requirement, it's you who'll explain it for me." "A written composition:" "How do mammals reproduce?" "And anyone who writes a dirty word will be sent to the Headmaster." "La Rosa, Tatuzzo and Mottola." "Please." "Go take a crap." "I've been ordered not to give you the key to the bathroom." "We really have to go, Peppino!" "What if the Headmaster finds out?" "It's not possible." "I can't give you the key." "I won't be talked into it, either." "But if it's stolen, I know nothing." "But I do know about the 1.000 lire ..." "No more buts!" "PROFESSORS' LOUNGE" "Hello?" "Peppino?" "Yes, speaking." "In the second race  place a bet on Archimedes." "Archimedes?" "Who is Archimedes?" "The guy who fucks you in the ass!" "Fuck you, shithead!" "I don't see any change." "You're sure that spray makes them bigger?" "Certainly." "My mother uses it." "And does it make hers any bigger?" "How should I know?" "My mother is such a square, she won't even let me see her breasts." "It won't make hair grow on them?" "What are they doing?" "Are they pissing in the nude?" "Why would they piss naked?" "It's more practical." "So what are they doing?" " Nothing." " What do you mean by nothing?" "They're having a smoke." "I guess I'll keep trying." "Can you give me some more?" "Sure, for 500 lire." "You're a damned thief." "You swipe the stuff from your mother." "Yes, but I'm taking the risk." "Okay, I'll pay you later." "Look, it's better if you let me do it." "You need a helping hand to do it right." "It's really cold!" "It should be rubbed in." "That tickles!" "A circular massage for best penetration." "Do it some more." "You little bastard!" "We'll report you!" "I'm just getting some fresh air." " My tailbone!" " It's occupied." "Just a minute." " Yes ?" " Hello, Headmaster." "Hello, my friend." "Was it you banging on the door?" "Can't hold it, eh?" "But ..." "What are you doing in the restroom reserved for staff?" "We were just passing by ..." "We're not even safe in the girls' room." "Go peek at your sisters, you creeps!" "Be still ..." "Filthy pig!" "We'll tell the Headmaster." "Yes, the Headmaster will have something to say to you." "We'll cool you off with a wet towel!" "These kids!" "These kids!" "There's no discipline with kids today." "What now?" "Mr. Margana?" "Hello?" "It's Mottola." "How are you, Your Honor?" "I mentioned your promotion for the post of inspector of the academy..." "How nice of you!" "...and my son, is he doing well?" "Very well." "Very well." "My son must pass his exams at any cost." "But I'm the boss here!" "I'm the boss here!" "Juvenile delinquents!" "You had another motive in asking for the key." "Who asked you for a key ?" "And you used the money play the horses." " Me, play the horses?" " You're telling me you don't?" "You don't think I actually gamble on the horses?" " I play the numbers." " You want a tip?" " Is it for sure?" " Guaranteed 100%." " It is." " I'm your friend, let me in on it." "What are the numbers?" " Seven." " Seven." " One." " One." " Asshole." " Asshole." "Idiots!" "Shit!" "What was that doing here?" "Good." "Now, the floor exercises." "Where's my shovel?" "Who said, "eyelids"?" "[palpebre]" ""Shovel", professor. [pale]" "I thought you said "eyelids"." "So... the first floor exercise:" "bending the bust." "Like this." "Slowly recovering into this flexible pose, keeping our balance." "Like so." "Quatromani, come here." "You'll demonstrate the exercise." "From the starting position, like so." "Bend the bust forward." "Look ahead!" "Look ahead!" "Look ahead!" "Lift your foot... your right hand like so." "In the name of God!" "What are you looking at?" " Why are you here, Peppino?" " Peppino?" "Ah yes, that's me." "Advance." "Go forward!" "Go... show some nerve." "Excuse us." " Peppino..." " The Headmaster said... he said..." " What?" " He said..." "Back to your place." "He said that only you could handle these three delinquents." "A couple of real assholes!" "This is pitiful." "I'll take care of them." "That'll teach you." "Why are you still in that position?" "I have to move slowly, my back is stuck." " Peppino, do you get any exercise?" " No." " It would do you good." " Just a minute!" " What are you..." " Gymnastics is a very important discipline." "One, two." "One, two." "It's also good for frozen discs." "Come, tilt your head forward." "One, two." "One, two." "You see, it feel's better already." "One, two." " It feels like I've been in a fight." " You'll be walking upright in no time, Peppino." "He's a pathological case." "What exercise can fix that?" "You three   approach." "As I have to continue with my class, you'll also do the exercises with the girls." "Where are you going?" "Come here." "Together, but separate." "If you get out of line, I'll make you do 2,000 pushups." "Go on, back up." "Back up!" "Don't get distracted." "We'll continue our floor exercises." "First exercise:" "bending of the bust while balancing." "Begin." "One, two, three." "One ..." "No, no, no." "Three days of compulsory expulsion." "That's the absolute minimum." "Come on, Professor Puntiglio, don't overdo it." "They're just a little rowdy..." "Rowdy?" "They're hoodlums." "The droppings of starlings!" "Reform school would be better for them." "It must be the reformatory!" "The reformatory?" "The reformatory!" "Thank God, we're a modern school in a civilized and democratic country." "All this over a little fart." " A big fart." " Alright, I'm in agreement with you." " What do you mean, "agreement"?" " I'll go along with the big fart." "But can you tell me which of the three did it?" "La Rosa?" "Tatuzzo?" "Mottola?" "They were behind me." "And a big fart can't be isolated." "It is no longer identifiable." "If you're unsure, we can't expel all three." "We'll simply make a note in their records and say no more about it." "In that case, Professor Margana, I find myself forced to report to the ministry." "The ministry?" "For a little fart?" "Please, a big fart." "Moreover, there are several other things that need investigating around here." "Mainly in the area of school administration." "Such as?" "Prefabricated rooms, rigged private contracts wine bottles everywhere, substandard cafeteria food and selling overpriced text books." "Enough is enough." "It's time to make a clean sweep." " But it goes without ..." " Excuse me?" "Nothing, please sit." "It goes without saying, I don't agree with your proposal." "Expulsion is expulsion." "Whether it's 3 days or 5 months, it's all the same." "I understand your concern." "Why should we expel them?" "They're going to pick up girls." "And before you know it, take them to bed." "Take them to bed..." "And that's a 4 in conduct!" "A 4?" "That means there will be a hearing." "Exactly!" "With your permission, Professor Margana, it's getting late, I have to go." "Poor animal!" "Look what that gang of hoodlums did to you." "Hello?" "Peppino?" "Yes, and you'll get it in the ass ..." "Oh!" "Excuse me!" "Excuse me, Headmaster." "I didn't mean in your ass." "I thought I was speaking ..." "Yes." "What can I do for you?" "Gotellthosedelinquents to come to my office right away!" "Yes, I'll bring them to you right away." "Very good." "Very Good." "Excuse me, but that's an abuse of power." "You're next!" "You want one too?" "I didn't say anything." "You should know that I have permission from his father." "He told me that at the slightest provocation, I should smack him." "The last time I gave him a smack, I hurt myself." "Okay, that's enough!" "Enough!" "You realize what you've done?" "Publicly ridiculing a professor in the exercise of his duties." "For you, 4 in conduct." "Outside." "For you, 4 or less." " And you ..." " And for me?" "For you..." "You'll see!" "You're paying for him." "200 lire." "200 lire." "Thank you." " Hey, pull over!" " Why, what did you see?" "Those legs!" "Do you like them?" "And how!" "Our little Addolorata, what legs!" " You want something?" " It's you we want." " 300 lire." " Do you have 300 lire?" " Yes." " Come on." "Come on." "My money." "300 lire." "Here you go." "If I could go to the animal zoo and see the tigers and lions." "I'm finished." "How can that be?" "You hardly sang." "And the second stanza?" "If you want an encore, it's 300 lire." " Do you have it?" " Yes." "Could you do something by hand?" " Come on." " Come on." "To touch, it's 500 lire more." " You have 500 lire?" " Yes." "This is for me, I need it." "I'll just check that it's good." "Hurry!" "Hurry!" "EMERGENCY" " So?" " They couldn't believe it!" "They'd never seen anything like it." "Your Honor, it's Professor Margana." " Please." " Excuse me." "Good day, your Honor." "This has to stop, Margana!" "My son has to pass his final exams." "This summer, he's going to London with his mother." "Then I might finally have some peace and quiet." "And now this mess!" "My hands are tied." "Then untie them, Margana!" "Let me be clear." "If he fails, your promotion fails." "No!" "I've always said I would do what I could, I swear." "If it were just me, I could help." "But I've alienated that idiot Puntiglio." "He wants to give your son a 4 in conduct, which means there will be a hearing." " Who is this guy?" " Puntiglio, the physical education teacher." "He's only been there a little while, but he's already breaking my balls." "He must have a weak spot." "No, he has no weak points, and besides, he knows what we've been up to." "Prefabricated rooms, overpriced text books, lunches prepared on a shoestring ..." " He knows everything." " Can he be bribed?" "He'd report me immediately." "We must find a solution." "I may have one." "Puntiglio has a fiancée." "We should get our hands on her." " She's a whore?" " No, not a whore." "Illegal drug problems?" "That way, we'd have some leverage." "No, she lives with the nuns." "So what the fuck is your angle, Margana?" "She's a professor of literature." "And since Puntiglio wants her to find a job, I thought we could have her tutor your son, Franco." "Everyone's happy." "Puntiglio is happy, you're happy... and I get my promotion." "What's she like?" "An old maid?" "No, she very young." "She's very young ..." "How do I bring a young woman home with my wife?" "Like a mole?" "So what do the professors say about my son?" "Are they pleased with him?" "Pleased, ma'am?" "Let's say he's making progress." "Currently, his average grade is 4." "It will take some work." "But he's always studying." "He shuts himself up in his room." "I don't understand it." "This wine is excellent!" "I think your son is a bit shy." "You hear Fefe?" "He has a shyness complex." "And your crude manners make it worse." "If he says so..." "As I see it, your son  would benefit from more guidance." "He might need some tutoring." "But it shouldn't be a stern teacher." "With his complex he needs a modern teacher." "The poor boy." "He's so fragile." "Exactly." "He's fragile." " Fragile." " Yes, fragile." "He needs to be handled... handled with..." " ...a woman's touch." " A woman!" "But he has his mama." "Mama... can his mama help with his homework?" "I see." "She would have to be, how should I say..." " ..." "like a sister." " A sister." "A big sister." "Who happens to be a teacher." "So... gentleness and studies." "Studies and gentleness." " Gentleness and studies." " This wine is good, but strong." "Studies and gentleness." " Where is the boy?" " In his room." "My husband sent him to his room without dinner." "I would never have expected that from you." "He sure missed a delicious meal ..." "They're artistic photos?" "And how!" "No photo of my face?" "Please, I don't take obscene photographs." " Did I pose well?" " Very well!" " Do I deserve a reward?" " Whatever you want." "A kiss." "Have a taste of Carmela!" "Get out!" "She's young for a teacher, but a girl of impeccable standards." "Can you imagine, she's living with the Ursuline Sisters." "Pious  and the Ursuline nuns." "An educated girl living with the Sisters may meet our needs." "All of them." "All." "When I think of Franco, I see a frightened sparrow." "If you only knew ..." "Fuck!" "You should have made her remove her panties." "And we can't see her tits." "She's too modest." "Did you make it with her?" "She disgusts me." "She looks alright to me." "Oh!" "Annarosa!" "So, Annarosa, what do say we get together?" "But we do get together." "Yes, I do your homework, buy you gelatos and I give you money to go to the movies with your friends." " What more do you want?" " I think you know." " No, I don't." " Okay, this is what we'll do." "When your mother's out, I'll come over to your place." "It'll just be the two of us, and we can do whatever we want." "Sound good?" "Yes, and once you get what you want, you won't do my homework, you won't buy me gelatos or give me money to go to the movies with my friends." "I understand, I'm not an idiot." "No, you're an asshole." "He's the asshole." "And he smokes!" " Hey, guys ..." " We're being voyeurs." "Ciao, Mama!" "Have you been waiting long?" "Hello, ma'am." " Ciao, girls." " Ciao." "Was school okay?" " Did you learn anything?" " Sure." "Can we go?" "I can't believe it!" "Fuck!" "I say we're wasting our time on the daughters." "It's the mothers we want." "Mothers!" "The mothers!" "The mothers!" "Good afternoon, Mr. Fefe." "So, my pig of a father feels you up, too?" "Oh, it's you, Mr. Franco." "Don't talk like that about your father." "He's a real man!" "But not me, right?" "I don't have any proof." "You don't have proof?" "You'll have your proof." "What are you doing, Mr. Franco?" "You mustn't!" "The professor's here!" "What the fuck are you talking about?" "In the name of the Father and Son!" "Now you run away?" "You chickened out." "Come this way." "Please..." "Now I'll show you Franco's room, Miss Giovanna." "Hopefully it's straightened up." "Look, he leaves his clothes just anywhere." "You're a surprise for me." "I didn't expect you to be so young." "It was providence that sent you." "I place all my hopes in you." "Thank you." "Please don't be too hard on him." "He's a good boy, but psychologically fragile." "He needs gentleness." "Be patient, help him emotionally." "I trust you understand." "Don't worry." "Franco, what are you doing there?" "Why are you hiding?" "Franco, say hello to the professor." "Ciao, Franco." "Hi..." "Come on, don't be afraid." "Come up here." "You see, he's painfully shy." "He's especially shy with girls." "Why, when I'm looking for something, can I never find it?" "Because you're disorganized." "And you, of course, put everything in its place." "In fact, you arrange everything so well that I can't find anything." "For example, my reading glasses, where are they?" "You'll find them eventually." "And if I want to finish my detective novel, what should I do?" "Nothing." "This way, we can talk." "I feel like I'm married to a brick wall." "You leave early every day." "In the evening, you watch TV and read your book." "When can we talk about our family?" "Why is it that the family is a sacred institution?" "You haven't noticed that your son has a complex?" "What if he likes the orchestra?" "Does that mean he has a music complex?" "Don't pretend you don't understand." "Your son has a complex, Fefe." "Are you saying he's sick?" "He may not be sick, but you can see he isn't normal." "I don't believe it, it's just a mother thing!" "My son is perfectly normal." "I read a book in which psychologists all agree." "When parents don't communicate, the children bottle things up inside." "I'd rather sleep than listen to this." "Sleep?" "I've also read about marital problems." "When a man only uses his bed to sleep ..." "What's a bed for?" "Ballet?" "For the last 10 years, you only sleep in this bed..." "What do you want me to do?" "Have a picnic?" " Ready..." " Fire." "Fuck!" "A 35 centimeter flame!" "It's a new school record." "You did it!" "But I almost shit myself." "What did you eat last night?" "Lentil beans." "Next time, take a spoonful of pellets." "And they'll shoot out of your ass." "Yeah, yeah... while you're wasting your time with stupid pranks, I've..." "You finally did it with your maid?" "You're fixated on my maid." "You two would make a good couple." "I'm talking about the female professor." "Our teacher?" "The skinny one with varicose veins?" "No, not her." "My professor." "The one who's come to tutor me." "Has she given you any lessons yet?" "Not yet." "But you'll see what I'm capable of." "Ah, get out of here!" "Hold this." "What's that funny look on your face?" "It's my backside, Peppino." "See..." "Holy Mother!" "Peppino, what are you doing?" " What happened?" " The bicyle caused it." "I'll mend it." "But I have a class!" " Don't worry..." " Please." "This is the ladies' restroom." " His backside is ripped." " Go ahead." "Doing this at a school ..." " We're in the ladies' room, Peppino." " I didn't think she'd come in." " That figures." " How are we going to mend your pants?" " I have to go." " Where?" " To my class." " Your pants." "Give me your pants." "You should have seen her... tits... ass..." "Like someone famous." "Miss Italy is a hunchback in comparison." "What, is Miss Italy a hunchback?" " What are you saying?" " You never understand anything." " But ..." " Never... anything!" "Silence!" "Everyone take your seats!" "Move it!" "Now!" "Go!" "Finally, show a little respect!" "Don't act like a bunch of assholes!" "Come in." "Thank you, Peppino." " Lanzafame, roll call." " Do you want me to mend your pants?" "Then get down." "Go..." " Ascioni." " Present." " Lobello." " Present." " Mideramni." " Present." "Move the chair!" "My shoes." "My shoes, Peppino!" "Careful, Peppino." "Quiet down." " That's it." " What are you doing, Peppi?" "Unbuttoning your pants." "I'll do it." "What did you expect?" "The top one." "The top one." "Good..." "What are they doing?" "Good, good..." "Good!" "Peppi!" "You're tickling me!" " But no." " Slowly." "Yes, that's it." "Like that." "Good, good..." "Peppino, my foot." "My foot!" " I'm falling." " It's almost finished." "There ... relax..." "All done." "Be still." "Good." " The chair." " What?" " The chair." " I moved it out of the way." " I need it back." " Ah, yes, yes!" "I can't stay like this." "Get up." " I'm going now." " Okay." "Be seated!" "Silence!" "Show a little respect for your teacher." " I'll be back." " Yes... make it quick." "What is today's lesson?" "Plato's dialogues." "Not bad." "Tatuzzo!" "Come here." "Come here." "Always me!" " Where you going?" " You told me to..." "Not that far." "Stand there." "Can you tell me about the death of Socrates?" "Socrates is dead?" "When did that happen?" "A wise guy, eh?" "I'll make a note of that in the register." " Where is it?" " In the drawer." "All stand!" " Cali ..." " I'm here." " What this?" " This?" "Professor, they're still wet ..." " What was that for?" " I don't know." "Just don't forget to tell your father." "Before we can get married, Giovanna, we need more money." "You must ingratiate yourself with Mr. Mottola." "Because he knows everyone, he can find us a home." "Yes, you've told me that 50 times." "What's the boy like?" "He's a real son of a... he's good, quiet, good, good." "He's a veritable gem!" "Go ahead, Giovanna, you're going to be late." " Aren't you going to kiss me?" " I don't see why not." "Now go." "Gently." "It's already a wreck." "No, it just takes a gentle touch." "Damn, did you see that?" "Franco's a lucky dog!" " I'll see you tonight." "Ciao." " Ciao." "And we'll go for a refreshing walk!" "Her ass!" "She has one terrific ass." "You think so?" "You never understand anything." "Franco, your teacher has arrived." " Ciao, Franco." " Hello, miss." "Look at all this." "You have a lovely room." "Yes, you'll be fine in here." "No one will bother you." "Say hello to the lady, sweetheart." " For me?" " Yes." "Thank you." "They could use some water, right?" "Yes, water." "Bring some water, sweetheart." "It will work better if you open the door." "You see how sensitive he his?" "A little too much for a boy his age." "I would just say he's very sweet." "No, he is hypersensitive." "You see, miss, rather than a teacher-student relationship, I'd like to see you develop an warm relationship between friends." "What I mean to say, is like between boyfriend and girlfriend." "That has always been my approach to teaching, ma'am.." "Very good." "Then I'll leave you." "If you want tea, there's a small gong." "I recommend a light blow, otherwise it will break." "Thank you, ma'am." "What's the matter with you?" "Has someone cast a spell on you?" "Why don't you offer me a chair?" " Yes, yes." "Please." " Thank you." " Sit down." " Thank you." " Why don't you sit with me?" " Yes, of course." "I'll sit." "Good." "Then let's start with Greek." "It's the most difficult subject." "Where is your text book?" "There." "On the bottom shelf." "Then go get it." "Yes... uh, no." "I pulled a muscle playing sports and can't bend down." "So then I'll get it." "No, it's on the bottom shelf." "Ah, here?" "Yes, there." "Latin, geography ..." "I can't find it." "Lower." " Lower?" " Yes, lower." "I don't see it." "I can see it." "Lower." "Lower." "Almost there!" " Here's your tea." " Thank you." "Milk or lemon?" "When in doubt, I bring both." "I don't meaning to be nosy but how did his first lesson go?" "It went well." " What did you think?" " He has some catching up to do." "No, I was asking about his character." "He's a bit shy, but this is the first time." "No." "He's just clumsy with women." "You didn't notice anything unusual?" "What should I have noticed, ma'am?" "You must understand that Franco is different." "He isn't normal." "He's on the brink." "I'm sorry, ma'am, I don't understand." "His father is a bad influence." "He's a weak, egotistical man, and a libertine." "There's also the hereditary factor." "The hereditary factor?" "Yes, but not on my side, thankfully!" "All my family members are sane, stable people." "But my husband's family can't claim that virtue." "What are you saying?" "That they're unstable?" "Worse." "Worse." "The cousin of my husband, Salvatore Mottola, also had an egotistical father who used the language of whores." "The poor child had difficulties in school until one day, without a word to anyone, he ran off to Paris." "The Sorbonne?" "The Folies Bergeres." "Doing what?" "As a singer, dancer and stripper." "He even had breast implants!" "He calls himself Ursula." "He has no diploma." "His only credential is "homosexual"." "My mother says that I'm not really a man." "It pisses me off." "What does he mean, not a man?" "She says I'm like Salvatore." "I'm shy." "I'm effeminate." "I'm a feeble woman!" " Salvatore dressed in pink." " In pink!" "Tatuzzo!" "I'm too tired." "He broke the family jewels." " LaRosa!" " What have you done?" "You, go get some water." "Go." "Quickly!" "Take a deep breath." "Peppino, come give me a hand." "Take a nice deep breath." "What's going on?" " Peppino..." "La Rosa." " I have no roses." " Peppi, look!" " Oh, that guy!" "Where does it hurt?" "Stomach?" "Knee?" "Where does it hurt, La Rosa?" "Where does it hurt?" "My bagels..." " What's that?" " Below." "Below." "Peppi... his balls." " Both?" " That's right." "Help me, maybe we can get him down." " He's heavy." " Slowly." "Peppi, I think someone's calling me to the phone." " Sure, leave me with this fatso." " You two will be fine." "So that's that." "Mother of God, it's Maciste!" "And he's scored a goal on me." "Your water!" "They already think you're a fag." "Well, here's an idea, why don't you act like a queer with your teacher?" "I suppose you think that's funny?" "No, it's like my cousin, the hairdresser." "He wears lipstick,  bleaches his hair and uses gay mannerisms." "The husbands all think he's gay, but from morning to evening, he's with their wives ..." " Does he dance for them?" " Yeah, if it were Salvatore." "Are you serious?" "Believe me, Franco." "Women have a weakness for gays." "They offer them tenderness and compassion to build their confidence and get them to go straight." "That's when you jump at the chance!" "Yes, but how does one impersonate a fag?" "I'll show you." "Watch." "It's not difficult." "Let's rehearse." "Make sweeping gestures." "Like this, you see?" "Undulating movements..." "You look like Addolorata." "A limp wrist." "Go on, make a nice little smile." "Come on, my lovely." "That's it, very good, continue." "Super." "You're a regular babe!" "A real girl!" " That's perfect." " Soft... graceful..." "He's a beautiful girl!" "I knew he could..." "Hush, the Professor!" "La Rosa, Tatuzzo..." "Mottola wouldn't be a bit ..." "You learn something every day." "Mr. Franco is expecting you." "Good day." "Thank you." "Hello, Franc..." "Hello, miss." " Franco..." " Yes?" "I'm making a doily." "Why do you ask?" "No reason." "Have you studied your lesson?" "But of course." "Up to the Reformation." "Shall I recite?" "Yes, later." "You've done the summary?" "Here it is." "What are you doing?" "You've a runner in your hose." "Right there." "That's enough, thank you." "It tickles." " Let's take a look at it." " Yes, yes." "Good." "Not bad at all." "Bravo." "But you're looking at my legs?" "Me?" "Nothing of the sort." "I was looking at your shoes." "They're beautiful. 3 inch heels?" "You're familiar with them?" "Yes." "I spend hours window shopping." "I don't like to walk in men's shoes." "...27, 28, 29, 30." "Good heavens!" "He's never crocheted." "Now he doesn't need to run away from women." "He's gay, like his uncle." "You mustn't overreact, ma'am." "That's easy for you to say." "It's an Oedipus complex and I'm Jocasta." "Look what this eminent professor says." "Don't believe everything you read." "It might be something natural." "Before birth, every human being is bisexual." "I thought my pregnancy was masculine." " It means we begin as both boy and girl." " At the same time?" "Yes, even if physically everything is already decided." "But until puberty, there are still questions." "Even during adolescence, not everything is clear." "Education and environment play a large role." "Listen, miss." "Forgive me, but I'm speaking as his mother." " Could you ..." " Do what, ma'am?" "Resolve the situation." "I mean, you're so pretty, you might act a little more seductive." "There'd be no harm in it." "And it may reconcile my Franco with females." "Excuse me, but my fiancé is waiting for me." "Good evening." "Good evening." "That's interesting." "He began as a bisexual." "That is to say, a hermaphrodite." "That makes 1.2 million lire for furniture... in leather." "And then there's the wedding itself." "The announcements, the refreshments, the church, the priest ..." "This place doesn't inspire you?" "I'm trying to do the accounts, Giovanna." "And the honeymoon, 3 million more." "We don't need to take one." "You're like a goddess to me!" "We have nothing else to worry about." "All I'm worried about is Franco." "Why?" "Has he failed to show you respect?" "On the contrary, he is extremely respectful." "But I'm afraid he has sexual problems." " Is that all?" "I know he has!" " That's not possible." "Everyone knows." "He's the laughing stock of the school." "He needs our help." "Are you talking to me?" "I'm not a missionary." "And you need to restrict your role to teaching." "They pay you well, and nothing else matters." " We're dining with the Sisters?" " At 7 p.m." " Did you tell them I was coming?" " I forgot, no." "So let's get going, Giovanna, otherwise we'll be late." "Will you kiss me?" "After dinner, Giovanna." "After dinner." "Hello, Franco." "Hello, miss." "No bra..." " Well, Franco, have you done your homework?" " Of course." "Good." "This is good." "There's a mistake here." "You used the perfect instead of the pluperfect." " You see it?" " I see, I see." "Who wouldn't?" " Will you make the correction?" " Yes." "That's good." "I'm very pleased with you." "You deserve a reward." "Get up." "What's this I see?" "What have to done?" "Are you wearing mascara?" "We have to remove it." "Thank you." "Turn your head." "Come on, look at me." " Am I hurting you?" " No." "Then hold still." "That's it." "Now you look like a man, rather than a woman." "I'm sorry." "I didn't mean to offend you." "I know about your problem." "You shouldn't be ashamed or feel guilty." "No, you can't know." "You mustn't know I'm like that!" "I'll kill myself!" "I'll kill myself!" "Don't say such a thing!" "Not even as a joke, Franco." "You can turn away from this." "Do you understand me?" "." "No, I'll kill myself." " What are you doing?" " I'll kill myself!" "Franco, stop!" "You're acting hysterical." "Calm yourself." " Sit down." " What for?" "A massage." " Do I have to undress?" " That won't be necessary." " Relax." " I'm relaxed." " Close your eyes." " My eyes are closed." "You feel like you're floating." "You're feeling lighter." "You're floating up." "You're floating up." "That's it." "Ever higher." "Ever higher." "You're flying now." "Flying..." "Tea." "Tea?" "Your father, your mother and your sister are all great whores!" " She trusts me." "I can do it now." " With the maid?" " Stop with the maid!" " I like her." "When are you going to do it?" "I need to take one step at a time." "Why don't all three of us do it?" "No!" "Don't even think about the three of you doing it." "It's every man for himself." "What does he think we're talking about?" "That's good." "Good." " Professor." " What?" "May I leave?" "At the proper time." "Only those who have finished may leave." "I've finished." " How is that possible?" " I have." "Subject:" "Briefly analyze what Petrarch means in this verse,..." ""Clear, fresh, sweet waters, Where she who seems to me..." ""The only one among earth's daughters..."" "Explanation:" "A bidet?" " Outside!" " I didn't do anything." "Outside." "What are you doing?" " I'm leaving, too." " Why?" " I copied his paper." " Me too." " Then get out." " That's what we're doing." "And stay out!" "Yes, Headmaster." "Franco Mottola is unruly and a disruption to the school." "In short, he's a dunce." "You know who his father is?" "The father of a dunce." "Cali, Cali..." " Oh, Cali, Cali..." " I'm right here." "How long have you been a teacher?" "It's been 14 years, Headmaster." "A young man." "A young man." " Listen to me, Cali." " Yes." "Do you own a home?" "It's been 6 years since I applied for public housing, Headmaster." "Because of the demand for middle-class housing..." " ..." "I still have nothing." " Nothing?" "You'll take care of it?" "Hello, Margana?" "Ah, my son was examined in Greek." "And how did he do?" "I'll let you speak directly to Professor Cali, Your Honor." "He can tell you in his own words." "One moment, please." "You talk to him." "Be strong!" "Thank you." "Hold this." "Hello, Your Honor?" "Yes, I did..." "I examined your son this morning ... in Italian." " In Greek." " Yes, in Greek." "And he did he did...he did better." "Pardon?" "His grade?" " Ah... yes, his grade." " 7." "6." "No, 7. 7.5, yes." "7.5 is a nice grade, Your Honor." "While I have you, about the possibility of an apartment ..." "Hello?" "Hello, Your Honor!" "As you can see, he's making progress." "My regards to your wife." "Thank you, Your Honor." "Thank you." " Thank you!" " Cali..." "Why you ask His Honor about the apartment?" "I already told you that I would take care of it!" "Now go!" "Go with pride." "Your job is to impart learning!" "Indirect questions can be simple or compound." "Simple questions are introduced by interrogative pronouns and interrogative adverbs." "Compound questions are introduced with the prefixes ..." "How clumsy!" "The pen will leave an ink stain." " It doesn't matter." " I'm sorry." "It's stained right through the fabric." "Leave it, it isn't serious." "It's not important." "Leave it alone." "Go to the bathroom, there's some stain remover by the sink." "Thank you." "Here's your tea." "I need something to cool the tail between my legs." "Son of God!" "And now, you'll taste the wine made from grapes grown on my vineyard." "It's good." "Have a little ..." "No thank you, I can't stand." "This that is being served now is among our best." "To my friends, a toast with this wine ..." "How does it go?" "I'd like to toast my friends..." "No, no gestures." "I'd like to toast my friends with this wine, golden fruit of the grape that has matured in the hot sun of Trinacria, as old as the world." "A toast to Ulysses who is intoxicated with the wine." "A toast  to Ulysses, and to his Penelope and her fruit." "Amalia, what did you mean by "fruit"?" " I just felt like saying "fruit"." " I'll drink to that..." " Drink to the toast?" " Thanks, Franco, I've had too much." "I bet you did that on purpose." "No." "You mustn't think that." "I'll bring you some strong coffee." "Thank you, Franco." "Now I'd like to show you the property." "A tour with the owner, after this feast..." "I ate too much." "I'd like that very much." "But Giovanna must stay and give a lesson to Franco." "Yes, she has a lesson for Franco." "I'll tell you all about it later." "You can go take a nap before giving your lesson, Miss Giovanna." "Let's go." "The walk will help us digest our meal." "Away we go!" "By your leave..." " What do you want to do?" " What do you recommend?" "I always say, after a meal like this, an easy stroll is never a bad idea." "Eh?" "Let's go." "This will put her to sleep..." "I'll use it all." "I'll show you the olive groves that my father left me." "All this land is mine." "Me, I'd settle for a 3-room apartment with a terrace and trees." "My husband can take care of that." "Yes, I'd appreciate it if you could slip him a word in my favor." "After he's had his rest he'll speak to Amalia." "I can't do much after eating, because it all weighs on my stomach." "I can't, either." " Who's idea was this?" " The women." "What sluts!" " How's that?" " I think you understand." "How they ate!" "They couldn't stop." "You've broken 14 so far." "What the fuck's wrong with you?" "It just slipped from my hands." "I'll just undo these buttons." "Who is it?" "Franco." " Franco..." " Yes." "Franco!" "Let go of me!" "Let go of me!" "You must be crazy!" "Yes, I'm crazy about you." "The key or I'll shoot." "It isn't loaded." "Give me the key or I'll shoot." "The key." "Give me the key!" "It isn't loaded." "Didn't you hear her calling?" "Yes, I'll go there right away." "Miss, did you call?" "Is there anything I can do?" " Bring me some strong coffee." " Yes, I'll get it right away!" "He told me the car was a gem!" "The fucking bastard who sold it to me!" "It's a fucking scrap-heap!" "A piece of shit!" "Did you buy any gasoline?" "Of course I did." "Two liters." " When?" " I don't know." "And you want to stop giving the kid lessons?" "I've had enough." "How can we give up 7.000 lire per hour?" "Especially since Mrs. Mottola assured me we would get an apartment." "It's the mother lode, Giovanna." "I'm tired." "Tired." "Tired!" "Can't you understand?" "You need to make one last little effort." "Get out and push the car." "The exercise will do you good." "First make sure you take a deep breath." "And be careful of the paint, okay?" "Hello." "I'll ring for tea, unless you prefer champagne?" "No, thank you." "I'd like to see your homework." "And according to you, this is the corrected version?" "All the verbs are wrong." "To see Thucydides treated this way ..." "Why are you doing that?" "What is Thucydides worth?" "What do you mean?" "I asked what Thucydides is worth to you." "A new nightgown?" "Or a washing machine?" "Either you play the game, or I don't study any more." "Have you no shame?" "You really are disgusting." "Lift your skirt." "Don't worry, I understand." "Your fiancé will never know." "Anyway, he doesn't seem care." "You aren't even fit to say his name." "Ignorance is bliss." "As long as my father gives him an apartment, he'll close his eyes." "What did you hit me?" "You hit me!" "I'll call my mother." "Call whomever you want." " Bastard!" " Mama!" " Bastard!" " Mama!" "A nice fresh egg for you." "My God, all this smoke ..." "What stale air." "I'll open the window." "Ah, the air." "When the sun enters, the doctor does not." "Why don't you get up?" "Then we'll take a little trip." "We'll visit some art galleries and museums." "Giovanna called to say she wasn't coming." "Don't you want to go out with your friends, Franco?" "No!" "There are a lot of pretty young girls from good families." "It would please your mother." "Why don't you date anyone?" "Because they're all bitches, and I don't want anything to do with them." "I hate all the women on earth!" "All?" "Yes, all, even you." "Now leave me alone." "I won't bother you anymore." "Eat your egg." "Don't forget to call the Ministry." "Noted." "I didn't see you add any sugar." " Why not?" " It's locked up." "It's locked up?" "Yes, sir." "Those are my orders." "I see, the sugar must remain under lock and key, otherwise it might leave." "The sugar goes to the office." "The sugar goes to the cinema." "Now get the key." "Your wife will get angry with me." "I don't want that." "You need to go..." "Never mind, I'll drink it like this." "Well, you got what you wanted." "Your son drove me from his room." " That's my fault?" " He takes after you." " He takes after me?" " Yes, you're his father!" "I never kicked you out." "No, but we never talk, and he's picked up on that." "I beg you, Amalia, I have a lot to do, people waiting for me." "Your son is in a mental state, Fefe." "Morally and physically ..." "Fefe!" " I'm listening." " Your son has gone wrong." "How has he gone wrong?" "He hates all women." "He's gay." "Fuck!" "Take a deep breath." "Again." "Again." "Again." "Perfect, your lungs are functioning well." "Nurse, please check his reflexes." "Turn this way." "Cross your legs." "Ah, his dick works well, too." " So?" " Your Honor..." "Your son is quite normal." "Quite normal?" "Did you doubt it?" "No, but my wife has put strange ideas in my mind." "I don't know why." "I am always on the move and I've never had the opportunity to be close to my son." "A father should always be close to his son." "Must accompany and follow him in his adventures." "And teach him about life." "Your Honor, take him to a whorehouse." "Otherwise, he'll explode." "Hello, ladies." "Please." "We're in a restaurant that is quite notorious." "You see these two chicks?" "Chickens?" "What chickens?" "The two girls there." "Take a look." "Look at them those two lovely flowers." "Hello ..." "like father, like son?" "Do you like them?" "Nice figures." "At school, you're spoiled by all those girls, young and fresh." "When I was your age I was in school, I went after all of them." "Some petting here, a little kiss there   but today, you're lucky because the girls are more liberated." "Liberated?" "What are you saying, papa?" "Liberated teasers." "The assholes all play at being feminists." "Would you call those two feminists?" "Me, I'd call them whores." "Hello." "They're what gave me an idea for you, Franco." "An idea for me?" "What is it?" "Let me see..." "Above all, don't tell your mother, otherwise I'm in big trouble." "Here's the trick ..." "A little advertisement." "Hello." "I came about the ad." "Please come in." "Close it." "Here's your room." "This is it?" "There's a private room back here?" "Then I'll just wait back there..." "I leave you now." "The Honorable Mottola seen in a brothel with his son." "If it became public knowledge, it would make for one of those scandals ..." "Excuse me, if you could wait outside, I need this couch." "In that case, I'll leave." "What a mess!" "Make it fast, I have to catch a train." "You need to use the bathroom?" " You haven't made your selection yet?" " I was just looking for my..." "Your son wasn't interested." "He's waiting for you downstairs." " Okay, thank you." " Sir?" "30.000 lire." " Even if nothing happened?" " Yes." "You left without saying anything." "They disgust me." "You could have said so earlier." "It cost me 30.000 lire." "You didn't give me time to tell you." "You left me stranded in there." "I felt like an idiot." "I thought you wanted a woman." "Me?" "The only reason I went there was for you." "For me?" "Whores are good for your generation." "Me, I want a conquest." "Otherwise, what's the point?" "That changes everything." "If I understand correctly, there is one in particular that you like." "Obviously." "When you see her, you say to yourself:" ""That one's for me, I'll give her a..."" "Yes, exactly." " But she doesn't want me." " She doesn't want ..." "No, she doesn't want me." "Who is she?" " The teacher." " You want the teacher ..." "Pass and stop doing that shit!" "It's impossible." "It's impossible with your teacher." "Listen, Papa." "Either Giovanna wants me, or I'll kill myself." "No!" "No, Your Honor!" "You can't ask me to do such a thing." "If you want to become an inspector, you have to do it." "But you're blackmailing me, Your Honor." "Yes, I have a problem." "My son must regain his peace of mind." "What does this have to do with me?" "You recommended this girl, it's up to you to solve the problem." "But I hardly know her." "Do I have to talk to her fiancé?" " Yes, sir." " That's idiotic!" "I'm sorry, Your Honor." "I don't know what I was thinking." "You're not an idiot." "But I can't see myself saying to her fiancé:" ""One of my students has fallen in love with your fiancée, and he wants to ..."" "And what harm is there in that?" "Excuse me for asking, but why don't you go talk to her yourself?" "You knock on her door, introduce yourself, and talk to her." "I am his father." "More can be accomplished by a father than a headmaster." "Sometimes." "No, you are very beautiful." "You have a perfect figure, and a classic Grecian face." "But that perfect figure ..." " God be praised." " May He be praised." "...doesn't stimulate... platonic feelings." "Forgive me, but that perfect figure can also awaken  the baser instincts." "I know." "Really?" "That makes my job a little easier." "You see, I'm a straightforward man, Giovanna." "When I decide, I decide." "And for you, I would make any sacrifice." "You came here to proposition me?" "You misunderstand, Giovanna, I wasn't talking about me." "I came to plead my son's case." "For Franco?" "Yes." "My son has fallen in love with you." "I don't care." "I won't give him any more lessons." "For heaven's sake, don't take offense, Miss Giovanna!" "You're a modern woman." "Franco just wants  to marry me?" "No, not yet." "He's still too young." "Now and then he only wants to do things..." "What kind of things?" "Things." "You're a pig!" "You dare proposition me here?" "What would it cost you?" "He's young, his needs must be satisfied." "Why should I be the one to satisfy him?" "Because you're so sweet!" "Sir, I'm going to look for crabs on the rocks." "Go." "Go." "What a pleasure to be in the great outdoors!" "It is good for the lungs." "It breaks my heart to think that we left Franco home alone." "It's amazing, Amalia, that you never understand." "Franco needs to be alone with his teacher, and shouldn't be distracted." "I thought she didn't want to give him any more lessons." "I had a hard time changing her mind." "It makes me feel good to be out here by ourselves." "Why's that?" "It's so beautiful." "The rocks, the sun and you." " What's beautiful about me?" " Just having a man like you with me..." " Amalia, are you feeling okay?" " Why?" "Or maybe I misunderstood..." "No, don't pretend you don't understand." "You're free here, with nothing to do." "What are you doing, Amalia?" "Not on a full stomach..." "Madam, I couldn't find any crabs." "Son of God!" "Franco?" "Franco?" "Franco!" "What have you done?" "Dear God!" "I hope it's not too late." "Franco, my poor baby." "It's all my fault." "I have to get you out." "Tomato juice ..." "Bastard." "You really are a bastard." "Bastard!" "They're studying, we should leave them alone." "You arrived too early." "Yes, you're right, Your Honor." "I have to tell Giovanna I can't wait." "If they're not done in time, she'll take a taxi." "She can walk, Your Honor." "It will do her good." "At my expense, of course." "Walking is good for her, but it may be better to take a taxi." "Good evening, Your Honor." "Let's see..." "I suggest we resume." " Again?" " Yes." "Pay attention to pronunciation." "Repeat after me ..." " Your Honor..." " Not so loud!" "Since there are only a few more days, they should study for a half-hour or even an hour every evening." "Would Miss Giovanna be willing to ..." "No problem." "If I asked her, she'd be willing to stay all night." "Only his Greek exam is left." "He's lucky to have had her." "I told you she was a good teacher." "She's exceptional." "But now that she's married, my little Franco will have to make it on his own." "Don't worry." "Somehow, today's youth manage to manage to... manage to get by." " I flunked." " It was a foregone conclusion." " Why hasn't Franco shown up?" " So much the better, he hates goodbyes." "Why, is he leaving?" "If he passes Greek in October, he'll feel abandoned without us." "Do you understand?" " Why's that?" " Oh, go fuck yourself." "Again, thank you for everything." "You're welcome." "My respects to the your husband." "At your service." "Cali, I'm curious." "You could have been more generous with Mottola." "A 4 in Greek..." "He deserved a 4, so I gave him a 4." "That's the rules, right?" "The rules?" "Tell me, is your application file for professorship in accordance with the rules?" "Yes, sir." ""Yes, sir." There's the reference number sheet?" "Yes, sir." " Criminal background check?" " Yes, sir." "Civil status, birth certificate, baptism and communion certificates?" "Everything, yes." "Everything is there." " Your last blood test?" " No." "You see?" "You're not following the rules." "You were born to be a substitute." "A substitute you'll remain for life." "Leave." "Good day." "Professor, you forgot your umbrella." "Stop with the Greek." "We'll write a song and become millionaires." "I have the music in my head." "We'll become millionaires." "Yes, you're right." "Ciao, Peppino." "Good day, Your Honor." "Welcome home." "I had the guest room prepared for you." "It's beautiful, Lady Amalia." "It is a true paradise." " Where is my son?" " Studying." "Studying what?" "We'll call him." "He'll be here soon." "Excuse me, Giovanna." "Why don't you go find him?" "A teacher must guide her pupil, in the fullest sense of the word." "That's so true." "Okay." " She's a wonderful woman." " And an exceptional teacher." "When she finds him, I hope she's able to go back and start from the beginning." "Hopefully, our Franco will succeed." "He'll succeed." "There's no doubt, he'll succeed." "Franco!" "Franco!" "Giovanna!" "Franco!" "Giovanna!" "You failed in Greek." "And you were fully prepared." "You did it on purpose." "Yes." "Why?" "Why did you do it?" "Because I love you." "My darling." "Hey, guys..." "Where are you?" "Studying?" "Don't forget about the physical part of your education." "Spend some time doing squat-thrusts." "One, two." "One, two." "The important thing is not to win, but to participate." "If he says so..." "Hey there, lovers!" "Adapted from Olivier Delebarre's French translation."