"# You must remember this" "# A kiss is still a kiss" "# A sigh is just a sigh" "# The fundamental things apply" "# As time goes by #" "Oh!" "Morning." "Nice lie-in?" "I thought everybody was up." "I'm up and Judy's up - she's gone to get some shopping." "Yes." "Well, I thought everybody was up." " Does it matter?" " Yes, it does, as a matter of fact." "Shall I go and blow a bugle in Sandy's ear?" "She's up." "Well, not properly up, but up." "I assumed everybody was up." "You're sounding rather obsessive." "Sandy is in the bath." " Oh?" "Should I be surprised?" " I saw her in the bath." "Oh, did you?" "I just walked in." " I hoped you walked out again." " Of course I did." "The point is she was in the bath with no clothes on." " That's the way people have baths." " You're taking it very calmly." "How else should I take it?" "If I'd caught you at the keyhole..." "What do you mean, caught me?" "I don't associate you with hysteria." " I am not hysterical." " Plain silly then." " You forgot to knock." " She hadn't locked the door." "Well, whatever." "It's a silly accident, that's all." " What about Sandy?" " I doubt she'll take you to court." " What's she going to think?" " Well..." "Ask her." "She's coming down." "It's no use hiding." "You'll never get in the dishwasher." " Morning, Jean." " Morning, Sandy." "Morning, Sandy." "Morning, Lionel... again." "Look..." "I'm terribly sorry about that." "No, no." "It was my fault." "I should have locked the door." "Yes, you should." "Time and time again I've said it - "Lock the bathroom door."" "Of course, you should have knocked." "Yes." "He's said that time and time again as well." " Yes, he has." " I simply forgot to knock." "And I forgot to lock the bathroom door." "So we're both to blame." " Coffee, Sandy?" " Please." "Lionel?" "I can't have coffee till we've thrashed this out." "There's nothing to thrash out." "It's a silly embarrassing incident and it's over." "Yes." "Let's forget that it ever happened." "You should have seen his face." " You said forget it happened." " Sorry." " Will you stop it?" " Come on." "Eat your breakfast." "I don't feel like breakfast." " I'm going to get a paper." " We've got a paper." "Yes and look at the state of it." " It's not funny." " Sorry." "Morning, Lionel." "Nice lie-in?" " No." " Oh." "Couldn't you sleep?" " I slept all right." " What's the matter then?" "Locks are for locking doors." "That's what's the matter." " Oh, poor Lionel." " He won't look me in the eye." " Did he say anything?" " No." "He just made a gurgling noise." "Oh, poor Lionel." "Yes, but think of it from Lionel's point of view." "Sandy can't - she was his point of view." "I'm serious." "He was very embarrassed." " So was I." " You didn't act like it." "What do you expect me to do?" "Go all coy?" "That would make it more embarrassing." " You were embarrassed?" " I told you I was." " Mum." " Sorry." "Look." "It was all over in two seconds." "I squealed, Lionel made his gurgling noise," "I ducked under the water and then he was gone." "Well, you should have locked the door." "I keep telling you, I forgot." "Lionel forgot as well." "He should have knocked." "I suppose it was a disaster waiting to happen." "You're starting to take it seriously." "Well, it's Lionel." "It's all right for us - we can see the funny side of it." "He's a man, he can only see the embarrassing side of it or the other side of it." " What other side?" " I just said, he's a man." "If you mean what I think you mean, he wouldn't have bolted like a rabbit." "If it had been Alistair, he'd have said something like, "Hey, hey"" "and then started trying to fix the cistern." "Lionel's not an Alistair." "No one's an Alistair except Alistair." "We're back to Lionel's embarrassment." "I'm sorry, but I can't un-embarrass him, can I?" "It's hardly a permanent condition." " It just mustn't happen again." " Once." "Yes." "Well, once is once too often." "You could just never take a bath again." "Or you could get one of those big Victorian bathing costumes." "Just a little joke." "Is Jean trying to make me feel guilty?" " Of course not." " Then why am I starting to?" "I was saying to Sandy perhaps she should stop taking baths." "I suppose I should too, really." "Come to think of it, perhaps we all should." "We'd all get very dirty but no one would get embarrassed." "Mum?" "How often have you forgotten to lock the bathroom door?" " I don't know." "A few times." " A few?" "I don't know." "You're starting on me now." " Who else have I started on?" " Sandy." "She feels guilty." " She is." " What about Lionel?" "He's guilty too." " That just leaves me innocent." " No, it doesn't." "You've just admitted you've left the bathroom door unlocked." " Are you sending us to prison?" " It's not funny." "That's just it." "It was this morning." "You and Sandy were laughing when I came in." " I've had time to think about it." " Oh, Mum." "Don't say "Mum" like that." "You go on like this and I'll start calling you Mama." " Hardcastle?" " That's right." "Harris." " How do you do?" " How do?" "Harris." " Yes, you said that." " Builder." "Builder?" "Builder." "It was a woman's voice I spoke to." " When?" " On the phone." " Hardcastle." " Oh, I see." " Er, Jean!" " Coming!" "She's just..." "What are you doing?" " Force of habit." " Is it all right?" "Mmm-er..." "Harris." "Thank you for coming so quickly." " You caught me in the area." " I see." "Will you come upstairs?" "Hi, Li." "DIY?" "Not exactly." "How does that sound to you?" " How's it supposed to sound?" " I'm not sure really." "Then we're wasting our time, aren't we?" " You seen Sandy?" " What do you mean, seen?" "As in visual range." "Is she around?" "She's in the sitting room." "Come in." "Gracias." "Sandy, it's Alistair." " Hello, Alistair." " Why did you knock, Li?" "Knock?" "Oh, just listening to the sound." "You know..." " And?" " It sounds all right to me." " Have I missed something?" " I suppose you could say that." " Who was that?" " Alistair to see Sandy." " It still seems odd saying that." " It's all right, Lionel." "I don't mind Alistair seeing Sandy." "I don't mind Alistair seeing anybody as long as it's not me." "Mum's in a foul mood." "I know." "I feel like the dirty old man of the month." " Oh, not you as well?" " Who else is in contention?" "She's making Sandy feel guilty too." "Where is Mum, by the way?" "Upstairs with Mr Harris." "Sorry?" "A monosyllabic builder." "He arrived just before Alistair." "Why does she want a builder?" "Somebody make Mr Harris a cup of tea." "Milk and four sugars." "Did he just come round for tea?" "No." "We're talking about building a second bathroom." "Some people might call that an overreaction." "Which is why I've currently sent Bulgaria to Coventry..." "But why am I talking about publishing?" "I've bought you a little present." "Oh, that's nice." "Thank you." " What is it?" " A little something to wear." " Ah." " What's the matter?" "This "little something" - does it come under the heading of "When do I see you wear it?"" "I don't know what you mean." " No?" " Oh, I see." "I'd like to think that I would get to see you wearing it." " Go on, open it." " Just don't hold your breath." "Oh, Alistair!" "It's lovely." "And look at the label." "I never look at labels." "Now, how about lunch?" "Yes, please." "You're not saying yes because of a label I didn't look at?" "No, I'm not." "I'd like to get out of the house for a bit." " Please." "I hate flattery." " Sorry." "Not ripples on the tranquil waters of the Hardcastle pool?" "Yes." "There was a bit of a do this morning." "Really?" "Do tell." "I don't want to talk about it." " Anybody else want some tea?" " No, thanks, Li." "I'm taking this delicious morsel out for a delicious morsel." "Every one of those loses you a point, you know?" "Shan't be a tick." " So, Li..." " So, Li, what?" "Sandy tells me there was a bit of a do this morning." " Did she?" " Yes, she did." " I wouldn't like this spread around." " Of course not." "It was stupid." " These things often are." " Yes." "Would it help to go back over it?" "Well..." "She didn't tell you what happened, did she?" " Not in so many words." " Well, I'm not going to." "Oh, hello, Alistair." "Mr Harris still hasn't had his tea." "Oh, I do apologise." "I expect he'd like some biscuits too." "Or perhaps champagne and caviar." "Hey, hey." "You two at odds?" "It's like watching two nuns fighting." "When have you ever seen two nuns fighting?" "You know what I mean." "So bad day, eh?" " You've heard?" " Sandy told me." "Did she?" "What do you think, am I being silly?" "That's..." "That's hard to say." " You must have some opinion." " I do." "I don't like to take sides." "I'm not asking you to take sides." "Who's right and who's wrong?" "Tell you what, why don't you go back over it for me?" "Sandy didn't tell you anything." " She didn't go into details." " What details did she go into?" "All right, none." "She just told me that something happened." "I didn't think she'd want to broadcast it." "Right." "Whatever "it" was." " I think of you as part of my family." " Well, I don't." "Ready, Alistair." "As ever was." "Isn't she just a pleasure to look at?" "Yes." "Shall we go then?" "You really didn't go for that "delicious morsel" bit, did you?" "No." "I really didn't." " Ciao, Li." " Ciao, Alistair." "Mr Harris did want some biscuits." " Oh." " It's OK." "Judy took them up." "Why do builders do that tuneless whistling?" "Is there a tuneless whistling course they go on?" " What's he doing?" " Apart from tuneless whistling?" " Waving a tape measure about." " That would be measuring up." " This bathroom..." " What about it?" "You can't just stick a first-floor bathroom on the back of a house." " Mr Harris knows that." " Did you?" " Of course I did." " So what goes underneath it?" "Well, another room, obviously." "Mr Harris and I haven't decided exactly what." ""Mr Harris and I"?" "Don't we get a say?" "We do live here." "Of course you get a say." "I thought a breakfast room might be nice." " Harris." " Oh, yes, Mr Harris." " Feasible." " Good." " I need to see out the back." " Let me show you." " There's nothing wrong, is there?" " Mmm-er..." "I wish he wouldn't make that noise." " It's better than his whistling." " Oh." " Are you all right?" " Yes." "I was just thinking about sequences." "What sort of sequences?" "The sod's law variety." "You know, wash the car and it rains, put on a clean shirt and spill gravy on it and now this " "I get a glimpse of Sandy in the bath and we end up talking about an extension." "For the umpteenth time, it's not an extension." " What is it then?" " A little extra bit built on the back." " That is an extension." " That's not how I think of it." " Where are you going?" " To the car park." "We can park outside the shop." "It's Sunday." "Oh, yes." "So we can." " An extra little bit." " What are you muttering about?" "Painting on a Sunday." "Whoever heard of painting on a Sunday?" "Is this a religious conviction?" "I just don't remember volunteering." "I asked you and you said, "All right." That is volunteering." "And the reason we're doing it on a Sunday is obvious." "No customers." "Oh, wonderful." "Do stop moaning." " Now what?" " We'll never paint all this." "It's not the whole place, it's just that." " Looks all right to me." " We'd like it in a prettier colour." "Nobody notices the colour of a changing room." "Would you like to go home and come back for me?" "No, no." "I'm here now." "You'd better take the curtain rail down." "Did you bring a screwdriver?" " No, I didn't." " Why not?" "I don't associate screwdrivers with painting." " Most people would." " How can you know that?" "There must be one somewhere." "You should have got your Mr Harris." "He's not my Mr Harris and he charges." "I'll bet he does." "Do you know how much this extension will cost?" "No." "He's going to give us an estimate." "Not an estimate." "We want a quote." "He can't give us a quote until we get an architect to draw up plans." "We could get always some money by burgling the place." "Ah, look." "A screwdriver." "What's that for?" "Meccano?" "I'll go on looking." "Don't just stand there." "At least get the lid off the paint." " I can't." " Why not?" "I need a screwdriver." " An extension?" " That's what it's turned into, yes." "Oh, dear." "Lionel said it." "Talk about overreaction." "Overreaction to what?" "If you consider how many thousands of pounds per inch of bare flesh, it's absurd." "Bare flesh?" "Whose bare flesh?" "It's a builder's expression." "No, it's not." "All right then." "Mine." "Lionel saw me in the bath." "Did he?" "I forgot to lock the door and he walked in." "Did he?" "Don't say "Did he?" like that." "He went straight out again." "He didn't find an excuse to hang around?" "It was Lionel, not you." "Would I?" "Would I?" "Nobody's answering?" "I feel worse about this all the time." "It's not your fault." "It's Mum's fault for getting all up in the air." "That must be them." "So, er, were you above the water or?" "Alistair!" " Hello." "How did it go?" " It didn't." "You said it was a cubicle." "Surely you had time?" "Not when it took two hours for somebody to get the lid off the paint tin." " Tea?" " I think I'll have coffee." "Two hours to get the lid off a paint tin?" "I had a screwdriver that came out of a Christmas cracker." "A bad workman blames his tools." "It wasn't the bad workman who knocked over the tin." "You left it in a silly place." " An obvious place." " That's what I mean." "Well, I got some of it done." "I'll pop in tomorrow and finish it." "Unless your Mr Harris..." "I wish you'd shut up about my Mr Harris." "What is the matter with you two?" "What about Sandy?" " What about Sandy?" " She's blaming herself." "Once she forgets to lock a door, now she's gonna cost you thousands." " No, she isn't." "I'll move out." " Oh, Sandy." "There's no need for that." "After the extension, we'll have two bathrooms each." "We're ignoring sarcastic Sid." "It doesn't matter anyway." "The plain fact is that if I go, there's no need for an extension." " Happy?" " Well, of course not." " Where are you going?" " To consider my options." "With Sandy gone, that just leaves me to forget to lock a door." "I couldn't stand the tension." "Perhaps I'll move out as well." " Move in with you?" " Think of me as a little haven." "That requires a stretch of the imagination." " I'm not kidding." " Neither am I." "Look, I'm serious." "Flats don't grow on trees." "It can take time to find the right one." "I'm offering a little haven while you're looking." "And, hey, I've got two bathrooms." "And, I hate to say it, but two bedrooms." " Adjoining?" " No." "Though I could make some alterations if you like." " What say?" " Oh." "The truth is, Alistair, I don't really want to go anywhere." "Judy!" "Now, Lionel and I have been talking." " Not rowing?" " No." "Talking." "Haven't we?" "Some of us just listen." "Don't start." "If you've called me down for another row..." "Why is everyone talking about rowing?" "All I want to do is express an opinion." "Now, sit down, please." "Now, about this extension..." "Hear me out." "Forget why we're having it, think about it." "Is it such a bad idea?" "Well, I suppose if you do consider it..." " What's wrong with more space?" " I never said it was wrong." " Then it's right." " I didn't say that." "Think about it - an extra bathroom, a nice conservatory." " Oh." " Yes, Alistair?" " Conservatories have glass roofs." " Of course." "How can you have a glass roof with a bathroom on top of it?" "Oh." "Unless we had a glass floor to the bathroom." "That wouldn't really work." "Another kind of room, then." "A pretty little sitting room." " We've got a sitting room." " Not a pretty little one." " It'd be great to furnish it." " And decorating it." " We could have lots of wood." " And trompe I'oeil painting." "This is just how Robespierre used to inflame the mob." "It doesn't all have to be feminine." "You could have a den." "I don't want a den." "I'm not a lion." "You are to me, Li." "Anyway, it's too early to be specific." "We can all decide together." "Hello." "Oh, Mr Harris." "Oh, yes." "Nice of you to call on a Sunday." "Yes." "The estimate." "Right." "Subject to architect's plans." "Yes, yes." "What are we talking about in rough figures?" "Are we?" "Just for two extra rooms?" "I see, yes." "I'll tell you what, Mr Harris." "I'll get back to you on that." "All right." "Bye." " We can't afford it." " Oh." "It's not the end of the world." "We've got a nice house." "We all fit in." "Perhaps Mr Harris could build us a bathroom warning device." "Yes." "I'm sure we could afford that." "Hey, hey." "Cheer up, lovely lady." "You might not have got planning permission." " You had thought of that?" " Of course I had." "No." "Oh, what does it matter?" "I'm sorry about this, Sandy." "Especially to you." "It's my fault for being such a fool in the first place." "Could we all stop moving about like a herd of wildebeest?" "We all fit in, but right now we are overcrowded." "Do you think you could all stay put?" "Thank you." "You trying to get me drunk?" "I haven't tried that since I was young." "What happened?" "I plied her with Babycham." "God, she could knock those back." "And?" "I tried to match her with light ale and got legless myself." "Mr Smooth." " Why did you say you were a fool?" " Well, I am." "No, you're not." "You're foolish sometimes but never a fool." "I know it's irrational but what if I'd been in the bath?" "What would you have done?" "Well, I'd have said hello." "Then I'd have sat on the edge of the bath and had a chat." " Exactly." " Nothing wrong in that." "I know." "But what if it had been when I was young?" "I'd have torn my clothes off and jumped in." " That's what I mean." " Now, look..." "I did not consider doing that with Sandy." "I know." " Sometimes I think we need a translator." " No, we don't." "It's just me." "I suppose I'm jealous." " But we just agreed..." " Not of you." "Of Sandy." "And Judy, for that matter." "I shan't say anything." "I'll just nod." "They're young and pretty and they're here as a constant reminder." "And you're here..." "And you're only a man, after all." "I'm not nodding at that." "What do you mean, "only a man"?" "Don't say you never notice them." " Of course I do." " There you are then." "There I am where?" "Well, chuck them both out then." " What?" " I can't see any other solution." "But there isn't really a problem." "It's just me." "Well..." "With the best will in the world I can't say you're young..." " I know that." " But I think you're beautiful." " What?" " I said, you're beautiful." "Have you had a few light ales before the wine?" "It's how I see you." "You were beautiful when we met and you always will be, despite wrinkles and an extra pound or two." "Or two?" "!" "It's what you are." "It's what you mean..." "I'm not putting this very well." "Oh, it'll do very well, Lionel." "It'll do very well." " I think we'll leave the washing-up." " I was just going to suggest that." "So how often am I foolish?" " Excuse me?" "Could I try this on?" " Of course." " Thank you." " Sorry about the painting." " Harris." " Hardcastle." "Right place." " Somebody's in there." " I wasn't going to just barge in." " That's a split infinitive." " I like to split infinitives." "Harris, how do I look this morning?" " Very nice." " I was beautiful last night." " Show-off." " You said it." "Well, I only do one speech a year and that was it." "Sorry, it's not quite me." "It's too..." " Yes, I know." " Thank you anyway." "Bye." " Bye now." " What did all that mean?" "She says, "It's too..." and you know what she's talking about." "I don't know how you men put up with us." "You do have your moments." "I hate those cubicles." "You have to take your shoes off to try your trousers on." "Must be hell." " And the attendant always coughs." " I don't." "Aagh!" "I didn't..." "I didn't!" "I didn't say anything, Lionel." "I didn't say anything." "# You must remember this" "# A kiss is still a kiss" "# A sigh is just a sigh" "# The fundamental things apply" "# As time goes by" "# And when two lovers woo" "# They still say I love you" "# On that you can rely" "# The world will always welcome lovers" "# As time goes by #"