"( theme music playing )" "it is possible that you are wondering why my wife-- for that is she" "is mopping the floor with a bucket on her head?" "it is because she is on the hit list of the communist resistance, because she screwed up my wedding to their leader, a delectable dish called denise laroque." "poor thing, she is a bundle of nerves." "watch." "aaarghhh!" "where are they, where are they?" "edith, edith, calm down." "i did that to show how idiotic is your behavior." "if they are determined to get you, they will find you wherever you are." "so why not put on a brave face-- preferably with a bit of makeup and without those curlers." "you are right, rene." "i must pull myself together." "oh, you are so strong." "hold me in your arms." "kiss me." "pour your strength into my body." "on second thoughts, edith, perhaps you had better put the bucket back on." "michelle from the resistance is in the back room." "she wishes to speak with you urgently." "oh heck." "you tell me one occasion when it was not urgent." "( door slams; all shriek ) what is it now?" "!" "time is very short." "listen very carefully, i shall say this only once." "the german generals are meeting in the chateau tomorrow." "they will be planning the invasion of england." "we will take photographs of the maps." "of course." "and as soon as you have them, give them to my wife." "she will attach them to the leg of the long distance duck, and the duck will fly them all the way to england." "will there be anything else?" "you will be doing the catering." "you are the only one in a position to take the photograph." "michelle, you have been overworking." "why do you not take a holiday?" "if they see rene with a camera, they will shoot him." "she has taken the words right out of my mouth." "you see, even this simple country girl knows the danger i will be in." "there will be no danger." "we have devised a special apparatus, which will not be visible." "( whistles ) mimi, give rene the special apparatus." "oh, yes, this will not be visible." "let me guess, this parcel contains a photographic christmas pudding?" "do not be ridiculous." "and do not make jokes." "the whole future of civilization as we know it may well depend on the success of this device." "turn around." "what is going on?" "put out your right arm." "michelle:" "that is it." "turn round." "concealed beneath the apron of this garment is a camera." "you will notice that the left arm is false." "this leaves your left hand free to operate the apparatus under the apron." "what am i supposed to operate?" "feel around and you will find a-- you will find a little knob." "have you got it?" "i think so, yes." "pull it." "rene, with this, you will be able to save the world." "i am speechless!" "do you seriously expect me to go and stand in front of all those generals with my hand on my hip doing this?" "you must choose your moment." "your wife and your waitresses will be there." "your wife will put into her mouth this pill." "then she will fall to the floor." "i am not committing suicide just so he can photograph the plans of the invasion!" "it is merely to make you foam at the mouth." "once on the floor, you will pretend to have a fit." "this will cause a distraction." "when the eyes of the generals are diverted, you, rene, will take the photograph." "this whole idea is absurd." "just look at this hand." "it is very realistic." "but it does not move!" "why is it you always knock the efforts of the resistance?" "this was made by the best rubber-hand maker in paris." "it was smuggled under the skirt of a nun, who cycled all the way here, at great personal inconvenience." "it would not fool a three-year-old." "go into your cafe." "walk about." "if anyone notices it is not real, then i will cancel the whole operation." "done!" "good morning, colonel." "good morning, rene." "coffee please." "do you notice anything different about me, colonel?" "yes... getting thin on top." "thank you, colonel." "there!" "what did she tell you." "nobody noticed anything." "here is the test." " what do you mean?" " lieutenant gruber, the one who fancies you." "he notices everything." "good morning, lieutenant." "good morning, rene." "herr flick, helga is here as you ordered." "tell her to come in." "you sent for me?" "i did." "my, my, you look most handsome." "in this uniform, i am to be married." "who is the lucky girl?" "you. take off your clothes." "the dressmaker has prepared for you an appropriate wedding dress." "von smallhausen?" "instead of gawping, go and get the tailor." "at once, herr flick." "why are you late?" " well, herr flick-- - continue to take off your clothes!" "yes, herr flick." "general von klinkerhoffen made me type out the agenda for the meeting of the generals at the chateau, on which occasion, they will be planning the invasion." "it is my opinion that they are planning the assassination of hitler." "i shall make it my business to be there." "smallhausen:" "herr flick, the tailor." "have you completed the wedding dress?" "exactly as you ordered, herr flick." "then clothe the bride." "yes, herr flick." "herr flick, a black leather wedding dress?" "what did you expect?" "white leather?" "now go away!" "good." "mmm, it hugs the figure." "will i not creak walking down the aisle?" "you will be well oiled." "do i have a veil?" "of course." "shall i place it upon you?" "that would be most romantic." "edith... yvette!" "mimi!" "aarghh!" "does no one pay attention to an old woman who cries?" "!" "mamma!" "i have for you a visitor." "a gentleman." "oh!" "dear madame fanny, i bring flowers to the beautiful mother of the lady i love." "oh, they have the most exotic eastern aroma." "it is embalming fluid." "the flashing knobs!" "what is the meaning of this unusual phenomenon?" "london is calling us on the secret radio." "help us to lift the bed." "alas, madame, i cannot." "not only do i have the dicky ticker, but i have also... the tricky truss." "rene, the radio!" "they're a minute early, quick, help me." "argh!" "this is the most ingenious contraption!" "quick, get the loudspeaker." "it is in the chamber." "it is incredible!" "it resembles exactly an ordinary chamberpot." "not that one!" "mimi, get the code book." "'allo, 'allo, this is nighthawk calling." "nighthawk calling london, pass your message, please, over." "here is my message." "we have a moth in the airing cupboard." "we have a moth in the airing cupboard." "have you any mothballs?" "have you any mothballs?" "excuse me, i have mothballs." "what did you say?" "i have mothballs." "what did he say?" "it is not important." "he says he has mothballs." "oh, edith, do not jump into marriage too quickly with this man." "look, will you all stop jabbering?" "it is in code." "what does it say, mimi?" "it says, "a french general, who is a collaborator, will be attending the conference at the chateau." "he must be eliminated."" "well, what do they want us to do about it?" " i will go tell michelle." " yeah." "'allo, london, 'allo, london." "we will tell your story to little red riding hood." "over and out." "my god, the bravery of you all." "what does he say?" "it is i, leclerc." "i have some very bad news." "i have just been to feed the long distance duck." "what is bad about that?" "when i opened the henhouse door-- pfssst!" "he has flown away." "you old fool!" "can you do nothing right?" "he will not get far." "he has not yet had his lunch." "where is he now?" "( quacking ) he is flying round and round." "how do we get him down?" " monsieur, - what?" "i have duck hunting equipment." "i used to stand in the river, with an artificial duck on my head." "in my teeth i would hold my duck quacker." "in my time, i was famous for it." "i am not surprised." "( quacking ) there he goes again." "get your equipment." "it is worth trying." "it is time we were open." "hurry up and get downstairs. edith!" "oh!" "( kicking cans ) aaargh!" "shut up." "ooh, what a lot of customers." "it was time, so i opened the cafe." "well done, mimi." "who is that, by the window with the big hooter?" "it is a french general." "they all have big hooters." "it must be the one they want us to eliminate." "well he is not going to be eliminated in my cafe." "we must throw him out, come." "no, you cannot." "show him a menu." "good morning, general." "welcome to my humble cafe." "here is a menu." "the prices are against each item." "yes, i know it is expensive." "you must understand it is wartime, general." "general?" "is there something wrong with that general?" "he's probably dead." "what do you mean, "probably dead"?" "i put a resistance pill in his creme de menthe." "mimi, how dare you kill generals in my cafe?" "it may be that he is only paralyzed." "the resistance gave me so many pills, that i get 'em mixed up." "we must quickly get him into the back room." " yes." " i will help." "thank god there are no germans about." "the customers will help." "loyal frenchmen, you see before you this dead general, who was a collaborator, who has been eliminated by our brave resistance in the cause of freedom, and to save the honor of our beloved france." "who will help me to dispose of the body?" "we are on our own, you know?" "this is a one-man war." "good moaning." "what are you doing here?" "i am taking the british earmen for some fresh oar." " hello!" " hello!" "do not bring them in here." "i have enough trouble." "okay, chaps, take a powder." "cheerio!" "why were all those purple running out of your coffee?" "for once i am glad to see you." "that idiot girl has killed this french general." "he is due at the chateau for the conference." "when they miss him, they will come searching for him." "( moaning )" "i do not thonk that he is deed." "it must have been a paralyzing pill." "yes!" "quick, help me get him into the cellar." "come." "i say, carstairs, two men with ducks on their heads have just walked into the public convenience." "what do you make of that?" "they're probably freemasons." "( duck quacker calling )" "monsieur, why are we quacking in the public convenience?" "because if the long distance duck sees our bodies, he will be put off." "this way, he will think we are two lady ducks." "( both laugh ) then he will fly down and i will capture him with this." "( making duck noises )" "( singing to himself )" "good morning!" "good morning!" "excuse that i ask, but what for you wear on your head a duck?" "we are trying to capture that duck." "it is for our dinner." "ah, i see." "that a piece of cake." "have a good dinner." "madame edith, here are the pills to make you foam at the mouth." "it is very difficult trying to do all this with one hand, you know?" "oh my god!" "i have lost my little knob." "it must have come unscrewed." "now i cannot use the camera." "quick. let us go home." "oh!" "it is here, on the floor." "i will drop it down your collar." "catch it as it passes your navel." "have you got it?" "yes." "my hands are shaking so much, i can hardly screw it up." "i will put my hand in your pocket and help you." "you will do no such thing!" "i think i have got it." "yes." "try not to look suspicious." "oh, thank you for that advice." " is everything in order?" " i believe so, general." "the peasants from the cafe have prepared the buffet." "see that the ashtrays are empty, and the glasses are filled." "when you come within six feet of this table make sure that your eyes are fixed firmly on the ceiling." "anyone caught snooping at the map will be shot." "do you understand?" " yes, general." " yes, general." "you will take notes of the meeting." "i have my notebook and my pen handy." "when the generals are assembled in the anteroom," " send them in." " yes, of course." "announce them as they enter." "according to the map that you have prepared, von smallhausen, we are now above the center of the conference chamber." "pass me my brace and bit." "we will bore a hole through in order to observe and listen." "colonel von strohm and captain alberto bertorelli." "general, my friend, how's-a getting on, eh?" "it is a great honor to be here, general." "as local commandants, your presence is necessary." "you put my men in the first boat." "we be first on the beach." "what do you wish to do, set up an ice cream cart?" "you will go where i put you, and for the rest of this conference, you will not speak unless spoken to." "understood?" "sorry. no offense." "what a mistake to make." "general leopold von flockenstuffen." "hell hitler!" "general wilhelm von walkenstiffen!" "hell hitler!" "air chief marshal maximillian von winklemeister." "admiral ulrich von sinkenquicken." "general john louis marcel aznavour." "good moaning!" "my god, that english idiot, crabtree!" "hell hitler." "it is good to have the vichy government collaborating with us." "i am keen to see the plins for the invoosion." "that is why we are all here." "gruber, the map." "let the peasants serve the wine." "general, hold the end?" "uh-umm." "oh." "do you live near here?" "no, miles away." "oh, you are a kind man." "general:" "you!" "eyes on the ceiling!" "rene:" "of course, general!" "general:" "now gentlemen, let us consider the possible areas for the primary assault." "i am going to take the pill." "no, no." "it is no good." "the map table is up to here, my camera is down here." "how can i take pictures?" "stand on a chair." "ahhh, sweeties." "would you like one, gruber?" "thank you." "pass them round." "is the hole big enough?" "quite big enough." "what can you see?" "you have failed again, von smallhausen." "we are over the servants' quarters." "i am watching a lady-cook taking a bath." "to summarize, these are the main alternatives:" "here, here and here." "give the matter some thought, and then i will welcome your comments." "aarghh!" "aarghh!" "there is woman over there writhing on the floor." "take no notice." "general, your glass is empty." "servant!" "what are you doing on that chair?" "i was just trying to kill a bluebottle, before it got on the ham sandwiches." "fill the glass of general von flockenstuffen." "yes, general." "do not look at the map!" "now then, gentlemen, let me have your comments and opinions." "i thonk that first the air-fierce should send in several squadrons of farters." "these-- these should be followed by bummers." "then we should send in paratrippers to capture all the london dicks." "he means docks." "gruber, you're foaming at the mouth." "you too are foaming at the mouth, colonel." "you are all foaming at the mouths!" "do i include this in the minutes?" "this is the work of the resistance!" "we have been poisoned!" "quick!" "to the hospital!" "rene, quick, the camera!" "good, back to the cafe." "our mission is complete." "come on, edith, before anybody comes!" "you go ahead." "i am not leaving these sandwiches." "( theme music playing )"