"1991 was the heyday of "American Gladiators."" "We were pretty into it." "Hey!" "What the hell did you do to my living room?" "Uh-oh." "We were screwed." "'Cause my dad was an even bigger fan of "Gladiators" than we were." "But this time, we had him." "You're outnumbered." "Please." "No." "He's standing on my favorite chair." "No." "No!" "Wa-a-a-h!" "It's probably best if you don't go to sleep for a couple hours." "I'm just happy me and the dudes are hanging out." "Lately, we hadn't been seeing a lot of each other." "George was taking it the hardest." "I did try to include him when I hung out with Heather." "Pfft!" "But he was not the best wing man." "Pfft!" "What?" "Are we not doing that?" "I've been busy, too." "Between skipping school and that dumpster of fireworks I found, my plate is pretty full." "Don't worry... we're gonna have plenty of time to hang once the three of us make varsity baseball." "You think the three of you are gonna make the team?" "Yeah." "Why wouldn't we?" "These are the varsity players." "They're strong, fast, don't need their mommies to tuck them in at night." "Hey." "That's mostly for mom." "Dude, these guys are good." "I don't know if we can make this team." "Aw, man." "Now I'll never see you guys." "Think of it as the natural evolution of our social lives." "We all drift apart." "High-school friends are replaced by college friends are replaced by TV and booze, and then we die." "What if you don't go to college?" "Can you just do TV and booze?" "Mm." "We were gonna make that team and prove my dad wrong." "We just needed someone to help put us over the top." "God, I love baseball." "Milli Vanilli are true artists." "Milli Vanilli aren't even..." "that's not even their real name." "You don't even know what you're talking about." "Isn't it great?" "All the kids like being here." "We are one ping-pong table away from becoming the official hangout house." "I will burn this place to the ground before that happens." "Mom, Doug spilled the ranch dressing again." "Is there any more?" "Of course." "We're always fully stocked with the latest snacks." "It's happening." "Mrs. Dunlevy, I'm Parker." "A smidge of ranch spilled on the rug." "If you have some soda water, I could take it right out." "Of course, Parker." "Uh, or should I say "Mr. Manners."" "You have a beautiful home, by the way." "Thank you." "Seriously, mom?" "Frozen bagel bits?" "Be better." "Okay, well, Parker seems nice." "He's super smart." "He helps build houses for, like, homeless people or birds or something." "You know, if things don't work out with Doug, you could always date him." "Why wouldn't things work out with Doug?" "I don't know." "I just think that Doug is... well, you know, he's just..." "Doug." "Oh, my God." "I knew dad didn't like him, but you?" "No!" "Well, you know..." "Hurry before it sets in!" "Every fiber in my body was telling me not to do this." "Dad?" "Will you help us make the varsity baseball team?" "Do you understand what you're asking?" "Yes, we do." "Do you understand that your minds and bodies are weak and that I will have to crush you and build you back up into men?" "You're the only one that can get us there." "That's also available and doesn't cost money." "Fine, I'll need signed waivers from your parents freeing me of any liability should anything go wrong." "You cool with a forged signature?" "Stand up in court?" " Has before." " Done." "When do we start?" "Oh, you'll know when we're starting." "Is it now?" "Is it soon?" "I've already said too much." "Just so you know, I have piano lessons on Wednesdays." "Get out." "Jack, I'm telling you, I crossed a line by telling Rachel that Parker is more impressive than Doug." "This melon is more impressive than Doug." "I just don't want to sway Rachel's opinion about her boyfriends." "Honey, kids are like dogs." "They don't listen unless you rub their nose in their feces, which, unfortunately, we can't legally do." "Trust me, nothing you said to Rachel made a difference." "Mr. Manners!" "That night, I went to bed with dreams of me and the guys and making varsity." "Somebody there?" "And so it begins." "How many of these do we have to do?" "Until I say stop." "Don't ask questions!" "Perhaps this was a bad idea." "The bell." "The bell is your best friend." "If at any point you are pushed beyond your limits, ring the bell, and you will get a warm meal and a hot shower." "You get nothing." "Get back in line." "I've made a list of your greatest weaknesses." "I never take time for myself." "You guys are not bad ballplayers, but I have been watching you, and three things are clear." "Georgie, you're too small." "Mikey, you're too slow." "Frankie, you've got a great arm, but you rattle too easily." "What does that even mean?" "Rattled!" "Means your sphincter gets tight in high-pressure situations." "I'm gonna break you of that." "Lots of people would get rattled by an air horn." "A lot of people live in Florida." "Doesn't make it right." "Enough!" "It's 5:00 A.M.!" "Great." "Now you've pissed off my wife." "All right." "Put on these blindfolds and get in the car." "We have school today." "School's canceled." "School is not canceled!" "All right, fine." "But know this... after school, I'm coming for you." "In mom's car." "Mine's in the shop." "Jack, yesterday I saw Rachel kissing Parker on the patio." "I'm assuming that means she's done with Doug." "We did it." "It's over." "You don't understand." "I caused this." "I was kind of hoping that we could share in the victory, but whatever." "You take it." "I don't care." "No, honey, if Rachel wants to break up with Doug, that's fine, but I don't want to be the reason." "Doug's probably at home, crying and pouring ranch into that goofy mouth of his." "Hey, Mrs. D. Doug?" "Doug!" "Hi!" "Yay!" "It's me!" "Yay!" "Stop it." "I don't care for that." "Oh, my God." "They're still together." "A little something inside me just died." "Two outs, bottom of the 9th, Frankie!" "If you don't make this catch, you lose!" "And start a downward spiral that ends with you living in a studio apartment in Orlando." "Okay." "Routine pop-up." "This is gonna be cake." "Just settle under it and..." "Aah!" "Rattled!" "Seriously?" "!" "A shotgun?" "!" "Now, George, you're not big, so you got to be tough." "I'm gonna hit some hard grounders." "They pop up on you, take them off the chest." "Ioh, dios!" "ÿporque?" "Idolor lo peor de que sentido!" "Aah!" "Michael, you are mind-numbingly slow." "If you want enough time to make it to first base, you're gonna have to hit the snot out of the ball." "I know where you're going with this." "And, yes, I will take steroids." "I don't think someone who looks like you can afford a case of bacne." "Permission to cross a line?" "I'm pretty sure you just did, but okay." "How's your relationship with your dad these days?" "I hate that lazy deadbeat." "Use it." "Picture his face on the ball." "Remember the time that he left you with his bookie as collateral." "Well done." "Rachel, we need to talk." "I saw you kissing Parker yesterday." "So, you were watching me make out?" "What are you, my science teacher?" "Okay, we're gonna revisit that." "I'm sorry if me seeming down on Doug led you to do that." "Please, mom." "I make my own decisions." "I don't even like Parker." "What's not to like?" "I mean..." "I mean, then why were you kissing him?" "He kissed me 'cause obviously." "And I should have stopped it." "Doug and I are gonna be together forever, unless he gets into an accident and ends up in a wheelchair, 'cause gross." "Doug doesn't live hard enough to end up in a wheelchair." "Yeah." "Look, if you guys are serious, you need to tell him." "No way!" "It would crush him." "You and I are different, mom." "Guys are always throwing themselves at me." "Uh, okay, uh, I'll have you know that, uh, there were a lot of dudes" "That were all over this lady when I was dating your father." "And you never made a mistake like this?" "Nope." "Not from the moment we got engaged." "What about before then?" "Well..." "You little slut!" "My dad's training had taken a toll on all of us." "Even him." "Dad, you okay?" "A little tightness in my chest." "Get me some aspirin." "Dad!" "Dad!" "Dad!" "Dad!" "Get the thing!" "Get the thing!" "What's the number?" "Something, something, something!" "Dad!" "Dad!" "Rattled." "All right." "Mikey, outside." "20 laps around the house." "George, dining room." "Bulk it up." "I need you to take down this bag of chips." "What the hell are you gonna do next?" "You gonna put a scorpion in my lunchbox?" "You carry a lunchbox?" "What?" "Are you 6?" "I promise you, there's a point to all of this." "What?" "How does George eating a bag of chips help him make the team?" "It won't." "Then what are you doing?" "I know the three of you sit around all the time getting woodies over the idea of hanging out all the time and playing varsity together, but I got some bad news for you." "Georgie ain't making that team." "Ooh!" "Spicy." "You hang in there, champ." "You don't get it, dad." "If George is not on that team, we're, like, never gonna hang out." "We've been friends since second grade." "Look, I couldn't tell you if any of my high-school friends were dead or alive." "Except for Dave Farr, and that's only because a S.W.A.T. team killed him on the evening news." "George might not be big and tough, but he's better than half the guys out there." "And when he makes the team, you're gonna be sorry." "Oh, right, because that's how I get my rocks off, watching tiny people's dreams die." "I can't believe you kissed another guy while you were dating dad." "Your father and I had only been on one date, and I wasn't convinced he wasn't the zodiac killer." "It meant nothing, which is why I never told your dad." "It didn't mean anything with Parker, either." "So if you never told dad, I don't have to tell Doug." "You know what?" "You're right." "Jack, get in here." "Oh, my God." "This is either gonna ruin my life or be totally awesome." "I'm gonna tell you something that you might not like." " Mm-hmm." " But nobody says telling the truth is easy." "Telling the truth is easy." "It's maintaining a web of lies that's almost impossible." "That's why spies are so revered." "I kissed another man." "It was a week after our first date and before we were serious." "I can tell you're upset." "No, I'm not." "It was 20 years ago." "Okay." "We've slept together thousands of times since then." "I kind of figure that you're kind of into me." "Okay." "Okay, I'm a little upset you're not upset, but you're probably repressing your feelings." "Yeah, that doesn't sound like me." "Okay, well, either way, Rachel, there you go." "You know, it's just... you can see how the truth has set me free." "And when you tell Doug that you kissed Parker... uh, yeah, that's a bad move." " Jack, really?" "Please." " Bad move." "I mean, I'd love for you to tell him because it'd be like watching the moon cry." "But if you, unlike me, want him to stick around, then, uh... keep it to yourself." "Great advice, dad." "You should write a book." "Bye." "Okay, yeah, Jack?" "I want you to remember this moment when we're at Rachel's fourth wedding." "I'll be too drunk." "Ugh." "Tryouts were upon us." "And as a freshman," "I was getting heckled from every direction." "Third baseman's a twig!" "Don't choke, freshman!" "Hey, Dunlevy!" "I got down with your mother last night!" "Nice one." "It's funny 'cause I actually did." "This was it." "My first big moment!" " Don't drop it, freshman!" " I got it!" "I got it!" " Whoo, whoo, whoo!" " Choke!" "Choke!" "Drop it!" "Nice grab, Dunlevy." "There may have been a method to my dad's madness." "Not rattled." "And one thing's for sure, it was doing wonders for Mikey." "That's for selling our dog, dad!" "You see, all I did was help him unlock his potential by focusing his anger." "Suck it!" "All right, so, maybe I went too far." "Now it was just up to George to prove himself." "All right!" "Let's group this up!" "I want you guys batting." "I want you guys in the field." "And you four... take a breather." "Oh, no." "George just got put in a group with the fat kid, the girl, and a guy in khakis... khakis!" "Sweet." "We're gonna smoke these fools." "All right, all right." "New pitcher!" "Dunlevy!" "This was my moment." "All I had to do was fan the next batter I faced, and I'd make the team." "All right, next batter up..." "George Estrada." "Fate, you are a cruel bitch." "Normally, I could just blow a pitch right by George." "But he needed my help, so I threw him a meatball." "Good!" "Time out!" "What?" "These are tryouts!" "There are no time-outs!" "I'm a doctor." "Go back to middle school!" "Dad, what are you doing?" "!" "Why are you throwing meatballs on purpose?" "He took a good cut!" "Son, this is survival of the fittest, not survival of the fittest and his little buddy." "I'm just trying to help out my friend." "So you go easy on him and you both don't make the team?" "You think George is gonna feel any better knowing you half-assed it?" "Watch the bounce!" "You have a gift." "Don't waste it." "Time in!" "My dad had a point." "Let's go, bitch!" "And I knew what I had to do." "I had never pitched better." "Or felt worse." "Hey." "Listen, I know I can't make you tell Doug." "I know that, too." "And I'm sorry I sound like a hypocrite, but that's because I did a lot of things that I regret that I don't want you to do." "Look, asking your kid to be better than you were is the weirdest part about being a parent." "Well, the weirdest part is watching a human shred through your lady cave." "Mom!" "Grow up." "You were there." "But know this... if I would have told your dad earlier," "I would have been happier." "And that's what I want for you." "We both want the same thing, mom... for me to be happy." "Uh..." "There you go." "Thank you, my dear." "Well, what's the news?" "I made varsity." "And so did Mikey." "Pending a background check." "Oh!" "Hell, yes!" "I'm making brownies." "Come here!" "Oh!" "I can't wait to hear all the details tonight when I tuck you in." "I know I should be stoked right now, but I'm just bummed that George isn't gonna be there." "Look, I don't have friends." "I think that they're something people use to distract themselves from the fear of death and the eternal darkness that follows." "Cool." "Yeah." " Well, have a good day." " No, wait." "It's also possible I don't want friends because I've never had any as good as the ones that you've got." "Yeah." "Yeah, those guys are pretty great." "Yeah." "They'd take a bullet for me." "No, they wouldn't." "People say that until it's bullet time." "Point is, life has a way of dragging people apart, but if they're worth it to you..." "You'll make the effort to keep them in your life." "Congrats on making the team." "I'm proud of us." "Relationships take a lot of work." "They're not always convenient." "And a lot of times, they're downright painful." "Why?" "!" "You are a way better kisser than he was." "I am?" "Uh-huh." "But when you find the ones that really matter, they're always worth it." "Right there." "Thank you." "You just have to make the effort." "Hey, dude." "What are you doing here?" "I just thought I'd come over and we could watch "American Gladiators."" "Or..." "Go!" "Dad!" "Dad!" "I think I severed a tendon!" "Oh, my God!" "My baseball career is over." "Can you help me?" "Nice try, chief." "Not rattled." "Come on!" "Rattled." "How did you know I was gonna need tissues?" "Eh, I put snakes all over the house." "Damn it, Jack." "Rattled."