"one of these fine days." "And not even a pope's bed." "But there still may be time... for you." "Now, Vittorio." "Good evening." "Will you tell Herr Hartheim that I'm here?" "I'm sorry I'm late." "Bloody London traffic." "How are you?" "How's Germany?" "How's Dane?" "I'm fine, Germany's cold... and Dane's dying to see you in Rome when your play's finished here." "Herzen." "You look marvelous." "Thanks, but the black's to match my mood." "I trust you've seen my reviews." "I doubt this evening will cheer you up." "It's all politicians and diplomats." "God." " And their little wives." " Lf you'd rather not..." "Nonsense, darling." "I've been playing hostess to you for three years." "I shall do so again, brilliantly." "What are friends for?" " You're sure?" " Lay on, Macduff." "Good evening." "How delightful to see you again." "You just look stunning, simply stunning." "Regarding the election of the new Roman pontiff... we, of the College of Cardinals in conclave... do promise and swear... that we will most religiously keep secret all those things... which in any manner pertain to that election." "Dane, how good to find you here." "You must've been waiting a very long time." " Are you all right, Father?" " Quite all right." "Just rather hot work... this business of electing a pope." "But I think we've done very well." "I think he may surprise them all... our new Pope John." "Not the most conventional of choices." "I must say you're very contained for a seminary student... who's just witnessed one of the world's greatest events." "There have been rumors..." "That I was among those favored for election?" "Yes, I know." "The strange thing is I feel no regret." "It's a pity Vittorio couldn't hear me say that." "He had such a taste for irony." "You still miss him very much, don't you?" "Very much." "I find it appropriate that I should have his quarters now." "I've always followed in his footsteps." "He was almost like a father to me." "As you are to me." "You make me very happy, Dane." "If I have no regrets about today... it's because my ambitions now are all for you." "I must admit to hoping that you'll follow in my footsteps in the Church." "I've a long way to go before I'm even made a priest... and I'm far from knowing yet how best I may serve God." "Of course." "But I already see such promise in you." "What more could I want than to help you all I can?" "Rain, you're supposed to herd the poor beasts, not scare them to death." "I thought you were a leader." "Of men, Herzen, of men." "Don't listen to her." "You can have a place here anytime." "I can see it now:" "Rainer Hartheim, head cocky." "Cocky?" "What's a cocky?" "Maybe you should accept Uncle Bob's job offer for the sake of the outfit." "It's awfully dashing on you." "Do you know I've never seen you in anything but a suit and tie?" "I've always been dashing." "You just never noticed." "I'm so glad you came home with me." "Thank you." "Justine, I've already told you." "I'm not going to Dane's ordination... and I'd rather not discuss it further." "I've come 12,000 miles... and interrupted my work to discuss it." "Pity you've made such a sacrifice for something that needn't concern you." "Dane's counting on you to come." "Surely you can understand that." "I wish you'd let it alone!" "I'll talk with Dane when he comes home for Christmas." "What if he doesn't come?" "He won't be a seminary student with long vacations any more." "He'll be a priest." "He'll come." "Mother, I don't think you understand." "There's no place as exciting for Dane right now as Rome... especially with Vatican II going on, and Ralph the aide to Pope John." "Ralph will see that Dane has a part of it." "Justine, please!" "I have my reasons." "Have you, Mom?" "I hope they're damn good ones." "I hope they're worth hurting Dane as deeply as you're going to." "You're really something, Mother." "If it were my ordination, I would understand it." "But Dane's supposedly the one you love." "God!" "I'm sorry, Mr. Hartheim." "I'm afraid my daughter and I never understood one another very well." "And I'm sorry you've come 12,000 miles for nothing, too." "My reasons for coming are rather different." "I've heard about Drogheda for years from Dane and Justine... and from the Cardinal." "I am sorry that you will miss the ordination, Mrs. O'Neill." "The Cardinal speaks of you so very often." "And he has been quite ill, you know, this winter." "I hope that you will give my love to Ralph... and to my son for me." "I've never been very clear about your relationship to Ralph." "I was a young soldier when I met him... quite by accident." "I had come to St. Peter's to pray." "I ended up talking with him through the night... all about my hopes for Hitler's downfall... my dreams of rebuilding a new and better Germany... single-handedly, of course." "You've certainly been a part of that effort, haven't you?" "At a cost, yes." "I'm afraid I used my wife... rather badly in the process." "I was quite the ambitious idealist, you see." "I thought such noble ends as mine justified any means." "When Cardinal de Bricassart learned of this... he told me something which has been very useful to me since." "That there are no ambitions noble enough to justify breaking someone's heart." "He said that, did he?" "Yes." "You were kind to your wife in the end." "You got rid of her." "Whereas Jussie can keep you... because she'll never let you get under her skin." "Unfortunately, you may be correct." "I'm no longer an idealist, Mrs. Cleary." "But I do still have some dreams." "And I have patience." "The Father anointed Jesus Christ as Lord... through the power of the Holy Spirit." "May Jesus keep you worthy... of offering sacrifice to God... and of sanctifying the Christian assembly." "Peace be with you." "And also with you." "And also with you." "Where are you, Herzen?" "Just..." "Rather a day, what?" "Thanks for being such a dear with the uncles all week." "Is Dane traveling back to Australia with them?" "No, he's gonna spend a few days in Greece first." "He always wanted to do that." "I think you are... rather disappointed about Dane's decision." "No, not really." "No." "It'll thrill Mom at least." "Dane is what she's always wanted." "I never was, God knows." "But then I assume you got the picture when we were there." "One can hardly blame Mom, given the way I am." "That doesn't sound like you." "And I would have you no other way." "I was just your age... when, as a priest, I came to Gilly." "But for such different reasons." "I was forced to go, as penance for my pride." "You choose it, out of humility and love." "But it is very difficult... because I love you, too." "You once said to me that becoming a priest for you wasn't a gift... but something hard-won by sacrifice and suffering." "I understand that better, leaving you." "It is a sacrifice... giving up all the things you could have made possible for me here." "But I think I will feel closer to God... and better able to do his work in a simpler place." "And in choosing Gilly, I can make my mother happy." "She deserves that." "Yes." "She deserves that." "You know, I had great hopes for you... great ambitions... that you would go as far as I in the Church." "Perhaps even farther." "But you have made me see... what I only glimpsed long ago about my ambitions for myself." "That they had less to do with God's will... than with my own." "The truth is you have always been far beyond me." "I'm so proud of you, Dane." "I doubt that a man could be prouder of his own son." "Thank you, Father." "I hope I may be truly worthy of that." "But I wonder... if the time comes when I must truly suffer... can I accept it?" "Can I put myself into God's hands... and not fight his will?" "You must never doubt it." "Because you are that rarest of things:" "A truly holy man." "You don't really know how I am." "You only know what I let you see." " You insult me." " I don't mean to." "But I'm a better actress than you think." "I'm not about to let you into the dark recesses of my mind... and risk scaring you away." " I need you too much." " Not only insulting, but selfish." "We knew that, didn't we?" "Anyway, I'm not disappointed about Dane." "I think he's mad to give up Rome... but Drogheda's home to him." "He's always belonged to it in a way I never could." "That's no failing on your part." "If you don't belong to Drogheda, it's because it simply isn't you." "Sometimes I wonder where I do belong." "Sometimes I feel a little lost." "Usually, in fact, unless I'm actually performing." "Do you think there's such a thing as off-stage fright?" "It's very simple, Justine." " You belong with me." " Oh, really?" "In Bonn?" "Do grow up." "What do you think, I'd want to turn you into a Hausfrau?" "Obviously for people like us... it isn't a question of place, it's a question of love." "I've grown to love you very much." "I think you love me, too." "It could never work." "I told you that from the first." " But, Herzen..." " No, I can't." "You'll get it wet." ""As flies to wanton boys are we to the gods." ""They kill us for their sport."" " Poor Lear." " Poor me, you mean." "Fancy me in the role of Cordelia." "How's the water?" "It's a pretty strong undertow, but it's wonderful." "Communing with mighty Neptune." "Really, Father O'Neill, too pagan of you." "You'll be excommunicated." "Your soul's already in mortal danger as it is." "Don't tell me you haven't noticed those two dying for you." "He's cute." "I wonder how we can meet him." "They'd be after you like a shark if I weren't protecting you." "I'll tell you something I have noticed, sister." "I've noticed that you haven't given me a straight answer... as to what you're doing here in Greece with me." "Now, you can tell me anything, my child." "Remember, I am a priest." "All right." "It's Rain." " He wants me to marry him." " That's wonderful!" "Jus, I hoped it would be something like this." "You did?" "The man's been in love with you for ages." "But I can't marry him." "I've always said I'd never marry anyone." "This is hardly the time to stand on principle." "I thought you'd understand at least." " I'm sorry." "But if you love him..." " But that's just it!" "I don't think I can love anyone." "I don't think I've got it in me." "You know how it's always been with me." "I know you've always been able to love me." "That's different." "You're my brother." "Besides, if I love you it's because you've always accepted me, warts and all." "Because I'm such a saint?" "Isn't that how it goes?" "Saint Dane?" "Look, Jus." "All our lives, you've always known that I was the favorite." "A lot of sisters might have hated me for it." "But you never gave me anything but love." "That's because..." "I always used to deny it when you said that Mom didn't love you." "Always used to imply... that somehow if you just tried harder everything would be all right." "Because I couldn't bear the thought of Mom being unloving." "I couldn't stand the guilt of getting your share as well as mine." "The truth is that Mom didn't love you the way she should." "She didn't show you the love you should have had." "I know it's hard for her, knowing that." "It isn't that you can't love." "It is that you've been made to feel that you don't deserve to be loved." "But you do." "You do." "Jussie!" "Are you coming?" "Where were you all morning?" "Rain's coming." "Right now." "Really?" "I'll be right up." "Go commune with mighty Neptune awhile, all right?" "Lt'll be all right." "Hello." "Where's our new Father O'Neill?" "I sent him out for a dip." "He'll be up later." "You see how easily you command the fates of your men." "I hardly think I commanded you to come." "But you must admit your wire was much too intriguing to resist." ""Did you mean it, Rain?"" "Did I mean what, Herzen?" "That you love me." "Is that what all this is about?" "Why else would you have come?" "Why else?" "To salvage what I could of friendship." "I'll settle for that, if I must." "Look, sport, you're the one who changed the status quo between us, not I." "And you want what now, an apology for that?" "If I offered one, you'd throw me out like a smelly, old rag." " I can do that yet, mate." " But you won't... because you need me to keep you on the hop." " Is that why you came?" " What do you think?" "I think you're a prize sadist." "Say you love me again, you big kraut, and watch me spit in your eye!" "And you would, too." "You'd love to have another chance to humiliate me... for the unpardonable sin of finding you worth loving." "You can't stand it, can you?" "It goes against everything you believe about yourself." "God, Rain." "I'm sorry." "I was going to tell you that I love you and that I want you." "I'm such an ass." "I had this marvelous seduction scene all planned." "Poor darling." "You could still show me how it would've gone." "What?" "Look, he just went in." " Let's meet him, okay?" " Okay, let's go." "We've got him all to ourselves." "It's cold." "Let me up here." "Careful!" "The undertow is strong." " Help!" " All right, hang on!" "I'm coming!" "I don't deserve to be this happy." "Why didn't all this happen years ago?" "Because... you weren't ready." " I'm not sure I am now." " Too late." "Where are you going?" "I bought you a Christmas present in the market." "Just in case you did come." " What is it?" " Nothing." "Just some people on the beach." "I expect we'll hear all about it from Dane." "I'm so glad you're here." "It wouldn't be Christmas without Anne and Luddie." "How many have we missed in the last 20 years?" "There." " Watch your step." " What do you think?" "I think it's going to be the best Christmas ever." "Luddie, you say that every year." " I'll get it." " Thank you, Judy." "You know, Luddie may be right this time." "I did think of having a do for the whole district." "But I'm not certain Dane would want that." "I think it's best to wait and talk to him first." "He said so little in his letter." "Mind you, Bob and Jack did say he seemed very happy about coming home." "You don't seem quite as thrilled as I thought you would be, somehow." "Anne, I am." "Of course, I am." "It's just that..." "I hope it's what he really wants." "I hope he's not just doing it for my sake." "When he went to Ralph, I vowed that I would never try to influence him." "Is that the reason you didn't go to Rome?" "Which, by the way, I personally haven't forgiven you for." "I know." "Nor has Jussie, or the boys... or Mom." "Although I think at least she understands it." "It's just that..." "I felt it would be tempting fate to go." " Or tempting God." " Meggie, how absurd!" "I know." "Fancy what Jussie would make of it." "But I fought God so hard for so long... that I wanted to show him finally... that I could accept the fact that Dane and Ralph are his not mine." "I sacrificed the chance to go in hopes of making peace with God at last." "Don't question why Dane is coming home." "Take it as a sign of peace." "What's the matter?" "Mom?" "What is it?" "Dane is dead." "No." "He's coming home." "Jussie telephoned." "He drowned." "He was trying to save somebody." "He's dead." "Father... we entrust unto you..." "Dane... whom we loved so much in this life." "Welcome him into Paradise... where there will be no more sorrow or pain... no more weeping... but only peace and joy with your Son... and with the Holy Spirit... forever..." " and ever." " Amen." "The Lord is merciful and kind... and rich in mercy." "Man's days are like the grass." "He flowers like the flowers of the field." "The wind blows... and he is gone... and his place never sees him again." "How will we live without him?" "We will." "Your God gathers in the good ones... and leaves the living to those of us who fail." "Your greedy God." "There is no peace with him." "Meggie, no." "No more." "What can God do to me now?" "What more do I have to lose?" "Your soul." "Your heart." "Your love." "The love you've always had within you, despite everything." "Despite everything but this." "I loved you, Ralph." "I never stopped loving you... despite everything." "Despite the fact that you were never mine." "What part of you I got, I had to steal." "But that part was the best." "Because that part was Dane." "Dane was your son, too." "Yours and mine." "It isn't true." "He was your son, Ralph." "And you couldn't see it." "Couldn't see that he was just a more perfect version of you." "Couldn't love me enough to see that I would never have gone back... to Luke or to any man after you." "And now you say it isn't true." "Poor Ralph." "Poor Cardinal de Bricassart." "It's no good, Rain." "Let's just not talk about it anymore, all right?" "Mrs. O'Neill, your mother and I would like to speak with you." "Please." "Meggie, Jussie's in a very bad way." "She's got it into her head somehow that Dane's death is her fault." "She insists she must give up the theater and me... and stay here with you on Drogheda." "She won't listen to us but if you will help her see that..." "My son is dead!" "How can you ask anything of me now?" "Yes, Dane is dead and we also mourn him." "But you still have a daughter." "She needs you very much right now." "She needs to know that you don't blame her... so that she can take up her life again." "Mr. Hartheim, I don't know why she feels to blame." "But Jussie has never listened to anything that I had to say." "She feels to blame because she sent Dane off swimming... so that she could be alone with me." "I love her, Mrs. O'Neill." "And Dane died at the very moment... she finally understood that she could be loved." "If you won't help her, she'll waste her life away here on Drogheda... trying to make it up to you for living while he died." "Mr. Hartheim, I should like to speak to my daughter alone." "Of course." "For years I've sat by and watched you do all the things that I did." "Crying for a man that you could never have." "Giving all your love to his son, the way I gave mine to Frank." "Neglecting Jussie, as I neglected you." "You've lived your life as I did mine." "Driven, always driven!" "I don't know, and never will... how much of our lives we're allowed to choose... how much is decided long before we're born." "But looking back, I see now choices I could've made... and didn't!" "Even after Paddy died." "Even after I lost Frank." "I might have asked your forgiveness years ago." "But it's too late for me now, Meggie." "But it's not too late for you." "And it's not too late for Jussie, if you'll help her!" "I've always loved this place." "When I was little, I used to make believe it was a stage." "My very own stage, where I was the star." "I never knew that." "No, you wouldn't." "No one did." "Except Dane." "Poor Dane." "I'd go on and on, and he'd applaud." "When I was little, I thought God lived here." "I'd steal in very quietly, hoping to catch him out." "So I could see him." "He was always too quick for me." "Do you know I learned to dance on this very floor?" "Your father taught me." "He laughed because I didn't know how, even though I was 20-something." "Did you ever love him, Mom?" "Not enough to marry him." "And I did wrong to marry him, Jussie." "And no matter what he may have done to me... he wasn't what I wanted, and I couldn't love him for what he was." "Jussie, I've made you pay so dearly for being his child... and for so many of my other sins that you know nothing of..." "And now you think you have to pay for Dane's death, too." "He was coming back to you." " Lf it weren't for me, you'd have him back." " Jussie, no." "I sent him out there all alone." "I didn't go with him." " He was drowning, and Rain and I were..." " Jussie, it wasn't your fault!" "Dane wasn't a child." "He wasn't your responsibility." "I don't know why you always thought he was." "Because he was." "I did love Dane." "Truly I did." "But I was always afraid that something bad was going to happen to him." "Because I used to wish that he were gone... so you would love me instead." "I asked what more God could do to me." "Now I know." "Jussie, you must listen to me." "I do love you." "I always have." "But I've always hurt you." "And I'm not going to hurt you now by pretending that I didn't love Dane more." "I did." "But you're no more to blame for that than you are for his death." "Don't think of staying here on Drogheda." "Please, I need to be what comfort to you I can." "It cannot comfort me to watch you hand me your life like a sacrifice." "What I need most is your forgiveness." "You have your work." "And you have the love of a man who will never break your heart." "That's more than most of us get in a lifetime." "Don't give it up for anything." "And least of all for me." "But how can I leave you here..." " grieving for Dane and..." " You must." "To give us hope." "A light has gone out." "Not just for me, but for all of us." "We will spend who knows how long in mourning it." "But if you go, your light can burn for us." "Knowing that will bring an end to our mourning." "My precious girl." "When we go there'll be no one." "Drogheda will go on with new people." "But there'll be no one left to remember what it was like for us." "Best go out and see how dry that grass has got." "I'll come out when I get back." " Bye, Nana Fee." " Come back next Christmas if you can." "Always." "Where's Ralph?" "He isn't returning to Rome." "He asked that we go on without him." "He's very ill, Mrs. O'Neill." "He asked for you." "Be happy, Jus." "Thank you." "My Meggie." "I knew you'd forgive me." "I knew." "All your life..." "I've watched you wage your battles against God." "Yet you were always closer to his desires for us than I." "In the end... you've always been able to love." "For all you've lost... you've never lost that." "Somewhere in me..." "I must have known from the very first that Dane was mine." "But I didn't want to know." "I wanted to be Cardinal de Bricassart... more than I wanted our son." "More than I wanted you." "Of all the wrong I've done... the worst is that I never made a choice... for love." "Half given to you, half given to God... but really given to my own ambition." "I knew it... and I did it anyway." "I told myself it was meant to be." "Long ago..." "I told you a story, a legend about a bird... that sings only when it dies." "The bird with the thorn in its breast." "You said it pays its life for that one song." "But the whole world stills to listen." "And God in his Heaven smiles." "Driven to the thorn, with no knowledge of the dying to come." "When we press the thorn to our breast... we know... we understand... and still we do it."