"This is the story of two sisters," "Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell." "These are the Tates, and these are the Campbells." "And this is Soap." "Yeah?" "Yeah, well, he's very busy right now." "I'll try to squeeze you in, but it's not gonna be easy." "Who is he taking to?" "The president." "Oh." "Hey, hey, Mare, look at this." "Hey, hold it down, will ya?" "Yeah, dinner next week." "Well, that sounds good." "Who's he taking to?" "The president." "The president, nice." "Where's Mare?" "Uh, in the kitchen." "So listen, Ron," "I'm a vegetarian, so just salad." "Jellybeans are okay." "Say hi to the little First Lady." "You betcha, Ronnie." "Oh, the president, you..." "The president?" "Give me that." "Hi, I loved you in Death Valley Days." "Hello?" "He hung up." "What's the matter with you?" "The president calls and that's it." "Will you relax?" "You're having dinner at the White House." "What are you talking about, dinner at the White House?" "I want to know, that's..." "Why was he talking to the president?" "He's your manager, remember?" "Chuck, he cannot be my manager." "Burt, what's the matter?" "Bob's my manager." "Oh, how nice." "He can't be my manager." "Burt, what's that?" "I just made the cover of News View." "Isn't that wonderful!" "Chuck, look, the cover." "Yeah, who do you think set it up?" "Why do they call you Bat Campbell?" "I don't know, I don't know." "It's just that they thought that Bat had more bite than Burt, so they went for the bite instead of the Burt." "Yeah, this is his manager." "Who's calling?" "Give me the phone." "Don't do that." "Hello, it's Bat Campbell here." "Oh-ho, oh-ho, when?" "Oh, yeah, well, where?" "Well, no." "Sure, sure, sure." "No, just when?" "Now?" "Not now, later?" "All right, sure." "Where?" "Burt, what is it?" "Okay, right-o." "Bye-bye." "Who was that?" "Norman Mailer." "He just wanted to know if" "I'd autograph the book he just wrote about me." "He hasn't even met you." "Never stopped him before." "Oh, by the way, you're speaking at the police academy tonight, so get a haircut." "Look, Chuck, please, this is crazy." "Bob cannot be my manager." "What would the president think if he thought I entrusted my career to that stupid dummy of yours?" "Oh, that did it." "I've had it." "Chuck, get up and walk out of here in a huff." "Right!" "Dinner at the White House." "Mary, did you ever dream in a million years you'll have dinner with the president?" "Burt, do you realize what you just did?" "What?" "You insulted them." "Them?" "Chuck and Bob." "That was terrible." "Mary, he's a dummy." "Burt, they have lived in this house all this time, and you've never called him that." "I think that you have to apologize to him." "Uh, which one?" "Chuck." "Burt, he's your son." "All right, all right, I'll apologize." "All right?" "Just that Bob gets so holier-than-thou when his feelings get hurt." "Burt, what's gotten into you." "Mmm, nothin'." "What are you talking about?" "I don't think I know you anymore." "No, I'm..." "Hey, Mare, come on, Mare." "I know I seem different to you now because I'm a hero, but I'm still the same old guy you married, Mare, really." "No, you're not, Burt." "You're not the same." "You've changed." "You're not the same man you were a week ago." "All right, all right, all right, so I changed a little." "So what, Mare?" "Mare, I got a chance now to do something, like, wonderful." "I'm a hero." "People need heroes." "Maybe you don't like the idea that I'm a hero, but if they need a Bat Campbell, they should have a Bat Campbell." "Mary, I got a chance to do something good now." "Don't you understand?" "No, I don't understand." "I don't understand at all." "Hey, hey, hey, hey." "Danny, Danny." "Ogh!" "Easy there, Burt, I'm still a little tender back there." "I'm sorry." "You know, I just forgot." "It's all right." "Burt." "Bat." "Bat." "The conquering hero." "Oh, jeez, I'm proud of ya." "I'm sorry I haven't been around to see you lately, but..." "Hey, don't worry about it, no problem." "I, uh..." "Ugh!" "I've been, uh..." "I've been reading about you in the newspapers, and I saw you on TV." "You know, you look shorter in real life than in person." "Really?" "Yeah, but you've got a good TV face." "Yeah, your face looks real good." "Of course, it could be the antenna, but I don't think so." "Oh, Dan, how does it feel?" "Well, sort of metal, you know, those two thin metal rods attached at the back of the set." "No, no, no, Dan, I'm talking about the kidneys." "How's it working?" "I really haven't had much of a chance to use it yet." "The real test, I guess, would be a couple of margaritas." "But the doctor says that my body seems to be accepting Chester's kidney." "Hey, Danny, you know, that's terrific." "Yeah." "Well, the trouble is..." "I don't know whether I've accepted it yet." "Danny, will you stop thinking of this as Chester's kidney?" "When it was inside Chester, it was Chester's." "It's inside you, it's yours." "Possession is nine-tenths of the law." "You know, Burt, I just wanna tell you that even though Chester is my real father, that nothing's changed between you and me." "You're still my best buddy." "The guy I look up to and respect." "Hey, Dan." "Whoa-ho-ho-ho." "Sorry, Danny, it's just..." "You listen, that's right." "No matter whose kid you are, I'm still your pops here, right?" "Yeah." "I'm glad to hear you talk that way because I've been thinking it over." "What?" "Well, I don't want to hurt Chester's feelings, but I've decided that I want you to be my best man and Chester can give away the bride." "Does that sound reasonable to you?" "Hey, that sounds fine." "That's reasonable." "Somebody getting married?" "Me." "Hoo-hoo-hoooo!" "Uh, anybody I know?" "Of course, Gwen." "Gwen!" "Gwen." "Well, sure, who else?" "Dan, now listen up here." "The governor wants me to head up his Crime Task Force, right?" "Yeah." "So what happens if they find out that my Deputy's wife is... a hooker?" "I mean, what happens?" "What is the credibility?" "Oh, big deal." "So we can't buy on credit anymore." "No, no, no, no." "Credibility, I mean, who is gonna entrust this country to a man whose stepson is married to a hooker?" "All our hopes, all our dreams, all our good intentions go write down the drain, and along with them, Danny, the well-being of every American goes down the drain too." "I don't understand this." "All right, I'll try it again." "Now, the governor has asked me to be the head of his Crime..." "No, no, Burt, I understand that part." "I just can't believe that you're telling me" "I can't marry the woman I love." "Hey, I..." "No." "I didn't say never marry her." "I'm just saying just wait." "Just a little while." "Well, how long?" "Until we wipe out crime in America?" "Goodbye, Burt." "Goodbye?" "Danny!" "I'm going home." "I'm going home to ask the woman I love if she'll marry me." "So long, Bat." "Here we go, welcome home, Chester." "Oh, oh." "Oh, oh, I'm sorry." "My stitches, be careful." "Your stitches are out, Chester." "So is my kidney." "I have this big, empty hole there." "I keep worrying that my right lung will drop into it." "Now careful, careful." "Okay, all right." "Can I get you something to eat?" "Oh, my doctor says I can only have special things." "Oh, all right." "Little Jell-O." "Okay." "Cherry Jell-O." "Okay." "With a banana cut up in it." "Okay." "And grape juice with a straw." "Yeah, okay, okay." "And cinnamon toast." "Hello, Chester." "Hi." "I'm still very weak and have no appetite." "Chester, I'd like to talk to you." "Oh, Jess, I almost died." "Chester." "Chester, you didn't almost die." "Well, I could have." "I could have." "Well, you're going to be just fine." "Now, Chester, I do need to speak to you." "Oh, Jess, I could still die." "I could die right on this couch." "Chester." "I know..." "You know." "Jess, you have to know that I didn't even know who you were when I was..." "sleeping with Mary." "Really, I didn't even know your name." "I thought it was Jennifer." "I did." "I thought your name was Jennifer." "Chester, you married me." "You married me without loving me, and that's really the awful part." "But I fell in love with you, Jess." "I did." "It..." "All right." "You're right, not at first." "At first, I thought you were a nice piece, and if I had to get married, well, I could do a lot worse." "Always the romantic." "But I fell in love with you, Jess." "I swear I did." "Chester, you certainly had peculiar ways of showing it." "Why, because I cheated?" "Well, Jess, I'll always cheat." "I can't help it." "I cheated on you." "I cheated on the women I cheated on you with." "I'll cheated on Annie." "Doesn't mean that I didn't love you." "I loved you, Jess." "Guess I always will." "You did grow to love me, Chester?" "Very quickly, and very easily." "Then there's no necessity for forgiveness." "What about Mary?" "No." "I can't forgive Mary." "I'd like to, but in my heart I cannot forgive Mary." "Ya!" "Ah-ha!" "All right." "You see, now when you glaze El Puerco, you must always glaze El Puerco with long sweeping strokes." "Juan One, would you please demonstrate to General Billy how to glaze?" "See that?" "Up and down." "Up and down." "It's all in the wrist." "Oh." "Hey, hey." "It's all right." "Ah, Juan One, you are a true artist." "The Picasso of Puerco." "You are too kind, oh, great swine." "Why's pig-glazing included in the Malaguayan training manual." "Because an army fights on its stomach, and that is why we will eventually defeat the Communists, right, Juan One?" "Sí." "The Communists don't eat, Juan?" "They eat crap, or as we say in Malaguay, crapola." "Juan One, that would be all, thank you." "I can't wait to try it." "It smells delicious." "Oh, no, no, no." "This not for our consumption." "I have prepared this Puerco for Saunders." "Why?" "Because Saunders doesn't like me very much." "Oh, no, no." "Yes, and I know your mother looks up to him and depends on him, so I want him to like me." "Ah, speak of el diablo." "It's a luau." "Saunders, I would like to present to you, in hopes of a lasting friendship, the pride of my peoples." "El puerco del Puerco." "Well, I must admit, it does look delicious, and I think I'm delighted by your gesture." "Gracias, Signore El." "Qué bueno." "We have a little saying in our country:" ""There is no peace offering so nice as a nice piece of pig."" "Now, that's on par with, um," ""Let a smile be your umbrella."" "That was lovely!" "All right." "Hey, Uncle Burt." "Mariachis, El Puerco." "Hey, everybody." "Hey!" "Choo-guddy, choo-guddy, choo!" "Excuse me, do you mind here?" "No offense, all right." "El Puerco, I need to talk to you." "I got a very special mission, and I need your help." "You need me?" "I..." "I am honored." "Certainly, please." "Juan One." "I just got word that Jodie and Maggie are being held prisoner in a fortress in Malibu and I gotta get them out." "Uncle Burt, why don't you just call the police." "The police?" "You are a hero." "You could call the Marines." "No, no, no, no, no, I can't do that." "This is a very sticky situation I'm talking about." "Look, Wendy was..." "Wendy was born out of wedlock." "Now, if this hits the papers and they pick up on Jodie's..." "alleged homosexuality, a lot of people could get hurt here." "I don't want anybody getting hurt." "This has got to be done on the QT." "Ah." "Ah." "QT." "All right." "No, I mean, we gotta get in there and get them out as quickly and as quietly as possible." "As you know, I am an expert on guerilla warfare." "I could possibly give you some ideas." "That's why I'm here." "Ah!" "I suggest we assemble our troops and give each one a mission." "That's good." "And then, we call Israel and ask them to do it." "I can't call Israel, I don't speak Hebrew." "Besides, it's Friday after sundown." "Nobody is going to pick up a phone over there." "That's right." "It's Friday." "Attention!" "At ease, men." "Major." "It has been brought to my attention that the Japanese have landed at Malibu." "Hey, Major." "Now, it's a fact that they can't hold their liquor." "They don't have the stomach for it." "They are too fragile, too wispy." "It' true." "Why do you think they can't grow beards?" "We infiltrate their ranks, get them loaded, and then when they're sleeping, we call the Navy and bomb the beach." "Oh, that's great, Major." "I'll get the hooch." "Chief, I got an idea!" "Will you guys please..." "Silencio!" "This is a free society." "All have the right to be heard." "Go ahead, Roberto." "Gracias." "Skunks!" "We get hundreds and hundreds of skunks." "You know, you drop them all over the place everywhere." "Where do we get these hundreds and hundreds of skunks?" "Well, it's still in the planning stages." "Gentlemen, excuse me, If you don't mind my saying so," "I've had experience in this sort of thing." "Really, how?" "I'm not at liberty to tell." "Come on, Saunders, come on, you're among family." "Please." "Saunders, you've been on rescue missions before?" "Silencio!" "Now, trust me, I know what I'm talking about." "This is what I think we ought to do." "First, we secure the plans to the fortress." "Gwen?" "Get rid of him." "Can't you leave him alone already?" "You and I gotta talk, Gwenny." "Hey..." "I said get rid of him." "One word about this, and I'll kill him." "Hey, Gwen, are you in there?" "Don't come in." "I'm naked!" "I thought you said you were naked." "I was." "I just threw this on because I knew you'd come in." "Ahh, I've wanted to hold you for so long." "Oh, Danny, thank God your home." "Get out." "What?" "The wine, the champagne." "Get out a bottle, and we'll celebrate." "I thought you were coming to the hospital today to pick me up." "What happened?" "I was held up." "Come here." "Where?" "Here." "No, no, no." "No, not now." "When you're all better, tonight." "I won't be all better tonight." "I will be." "I'll be more relaxed." "I'm so excited now." "I can't go to bed when I'm excited." "Gwen," "I want you to marry me." "Oh, Danny, you do?" "Can't!" "What?" "Um, not today." "Today is bad." "Tomorrow." "I'll marry you tomorrow." "You will?" "Yeah, I will." "Now go." "Where?" "Uh, to get, uh, your blood test." "I can't marry you without a blood test." "I'm an old-fashioned girl." "My blood's fine, and I just got out of the hospital." "Then go to the printer because we'll need invitations." "I know!" "We'll elope." "I always wanted to elope." "Great, elope." "Now get out." "Why?" "Uh, we'll need a car." "What for?" "So we can elope." "We can't elope without a car." "Elope." "Boy, that's exciting." "I never eloped before." "Great!" "Me neither." "Now, go and get a car and make sure that it's a nice car." "Test-drive it for a little while." "But..." "And make sure that it's the right color, and if it's not the right color, have it painted." "Bye." "Oh, where are you going?" "I need my gun." "Uh, no, you don't." "They take master charge." "I'm a cop, Gwen." "I should always have my gun." "No, it's too dangerous." "You'll get hurt." "No guns, not on your first day home." "Just one day without a gun, okay?" "Okay." "Go get us a nice car." "See ya." "See you." "You did just fine, Gwenny." "Don't make me do this." "Sorry, Gwenny, but if Sheriff Campbell is gonna fight crime, we gotta know how." "We gotta get him first." "And what better way to get info than from the good sheriff's daughter-in-law." "I hate you." "Be nice, Gwenny." "And do like I say." "And maybe it will be a long time till death do you part." "Will Saunders' plan to rescue Jodie and Maggie work?" "Or does he just want some time off?" "Will Burt actually prevent Danny from marrying Gwen?" "Or has someone else beaten him to it?" "And what's happening to Burt?" "Is he forsaking his family?" "Will Gwen forsake Danny?" "Will Jessica forgive Mary?" "These questions and many others will be answered in the next episode of Soap."