"♪ Here we go" "♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!" "What's this?" "Oh, that's for Susan Banthony's birthday." "She got women the right to vote and invented that dollar coin nobody uses." "You found my head yet?" "Still looking." "Hey." "(gasps) Jimmy, what are you doing here?" "With Hope?" "Unannounced." "(whispering):" "Three days before Arbor Day." "Oh, my God, are we doing it?" "Doing what?" "Why is he hiding behind the couch?" "Uh, Maw Maw, why don't you take Hope back into your room?" "Now, hang on." "Let's make sure she's lucid first." "This morning she tried to make a long distance call with a stapler." "Maw Maw, what day of the week is it?" "What town do we live in?" "What's the secret ingredient in your pineapple upside-down cake?" "Tuesday, Natesville, and that secret dies with me, bitch." "She's good to go-- have fun, honey." "So, do you think that Hope's old enough for it?" "We started with you when you were little." "Time-out-- what are you talking about?" "Well, only the most magical day of the year." "Arbor Day." "You guys celebrate Arbor Day?" "Yeah, and this is my costume." "I'm the mystical gift-giving wizard of the forest." "Papa Woody." "(laughs)" "I came up with the name." "We thought it was hilarious." "Jimmy never got it." "Got what?" "Papa Woody, the famous spirit of the forest who pitches his tent deep in the bush." "(both chuckling)" "Still don't understand what's so funny." "But as a kid, nothing made me happier than seeing my dad Papa Woody." "(laughter)" "Okay, why do you guys celebrate Arbor Day?" "When Jimmy was a kid, we celebrated all the holidays." "Not just the big ones." "Presidents' Day was always a fun one." "We'd dress as dead presidents and wake Jimmy up with a shower of chocolate coins." "We now crown you King of Presidents' Day." "Long live the king." "VIRGINIA:" "And then we would kick back, watch our favorite show" "Beverly Hills 90210-- and eat our Presidents' Day meal." "LBJ sandwiches-- lettuce, butter and jelly." "And then to cap off the day, Burt would sing a special song he had written just for the occasion." "♪ Presidents' Day was so much fun ♪" "♪ Started with George Washington ♪" "♪ Jimmy got a special treat" "♪ 'Cause freeing the slaves was really sweet. ♪" "Presidents' Day was awesome." "VIRGINIA:" "Another favorite was Groundhog Day." "But since there were no groundhogs left in Natesville after the chemical spill, we just dug holes in the backyard and filled them with treats for Jimmy to find." "The groundhog left something for you, too, Daddy." "VIRGINIA:" "And then we would relax and watch 90210 and eat our special Groundhog Day meal." "Six more weeks of wieners." "And then to finish the celebration, Burt would sing a special song he had written just for the occasion." "♪ Groundhog Day was really fun" "♪ Rodent looking" "♪ For the sun" "♪ When his shadow did appear" "♪ You got chocolate, I got beer. ♪" "Groundhog's Day was awesome." "VIRGINIA:" "On Arbor Day, we'd fill the living room with real live little trees and hang treats for Jimmy from the branches." "Burt would wear his Arbor Day costume and Jimmy had no idea it was him." "Thanks, Papa Woody, I wish you were my dad." "Well, I'm sure he wishes you were good at throwing footballs or eating with your mouth closed." "Okay, Papa Woody." "Happy Arbor Day." "Tree you next year." "Tree you next year." "VIRGINIA:" "And as part of our perfect day, we watched the perfect TV show." "90210." "And ate our traditional Arbor Day meal-- warm maple syrup soup." "(all slurping)" "And then to finish the holiday, Burt would sing a special song he had written just for the occasion." "♪ Arbor Day was really fun" "♪ Presents grew for everyone" "♪ Give great thanks to Papa Woody ♪" "♪ You're the happiest boy in the neighborhood-y. ♪" "Arbor Day was awesome." "Okay, so I get the gifts and the songs and the costumes." "But what was the deal with Beverly Hills 90210?" "Oh, a lady I cleaned for gave us the whole second season on VHS." "We got hooked immediately." "Moody Dylan, sweet Brandon, smoking Brenda." "We didn't want to celebrate a holiday without 'em." "Arbor Day was my favorite." "All year long, I'd ask for stuff." "Candy, toys, beef jerky, and Mom and Dad said," ""Those things don't grow on trees."" "But on Arbor Day, they did." "That is such a sweet tradition, I love that." "Count me in." "So, where do you guys plant the little baby trees afterward?" "Oh, we don't plant 'em." "We take 'em out back till they're dried out enough for the Chinese New Year bonfire." "♪ Chinese New Year is really fun ♪" "♪ Dancing dragons, egg foo yong ♪" "♪ Up above the Great Wall high" "♪ Like a chopstick in the sky... ♪" "Chinese New Year's awesome." "♪ Yeah." "So, you're telling me that you burn trees on Arbor Day?" "No, we pull them out of the ground on Arbor Day." "They're still green and alive." "We got to wait till they're dead and dried out before we torch 'em." "God, you're such a Brenda sometimes." "(both laugh)" "In the spirit of Arbor Day Eve, we wait for the right moment and then sneak over to Porter Street Park and grab up some little saplings for our holiday." "(grunts)" "Oh, my God, it was you." "You were the ones that dug them up." "Dug them up?" "They practically fell over." "Yeah, you could rip 'em right out." "It was like a bunch of kids planted 'em." "Yeah, I was one of those kids." "Every year for Arbor Day, my scout troop would go to that park and plant saplings." "(speaking with lisp):" "Someday you'll be 600 feet tall." "You'll provide shade, oxygen, and a place for homeless people to go to the bathroom." "The next day I made the driver go out of our way so I should show my parents what I planted." "Mommy, Daddy, my tree's coming up." "It's gone, my tree's gone." "Why?" "You people don't respect Arbor Day." "You defile it." "(speaking with lisp):" "How could you do this?" "Oh, my God, I'm getting so upset, my lisp is coming back." "You people are monsters!" "Did she say we were mobsters?" "I think she said "monsters."" "Well, she is definitely missing the spirit of Arbor Day." "Uh..." "I taught her about death." "She's not taking it too well." "You guys deal with it." "What are you doing in the freezer?" "Uh, just chillin'." "(laughing)" "Oh, thank God." "(sighs)" "I've been in here 40 minutes waiting for someone to laugh at that." "I think I might lose my pinky toe, but it was worth it." "I've get your special order-- I'll meet you up front." "(laughing)" "Oh." "Well, if it isn't the human equivalent of root rot." "BURT:" "Sabrina, as a landscaper, if you really wanted to hit us where it hurt, you'd have called us aspen canker fungus." "(sighs) Here we go." "Five gallons of the finest Grade C, non-organic maple syrup ever imported from South America." "Nothing like a belly full of warm maple syrup soup when you're getting ready for the great pulling of the trees." "Must take a lot of syrup to sugarcoat the murdering of all those trees." "Oh, come on." "You don't hear anyone whining about the trees at Christmas when the whole world chops 'em down and drags 'em into their living room." "Because that's a tradition, not some crazy, made-up way to spend a holiday." "So, uh, you guys are just here for the syrup then?" "Yeah?" "That's what traditions are-- they're all made-up, they're all crazy." "What's a bunny have to do with Easter?" "What's a fat baby angel with a bow and arrow have to do with getting a woman some silk panties on Valentine's Day?" "Would you folks like some help getting this syrup out to your car, then?" "We got it, Jimmy." "Just make sure you have Hope at our house at 5:00 a.m., so she can wake up in the Arbor Day forest." "Look, Hope is not gonna take part in your tree genocide." "Don't any of you know what Arbor Day is really all about?" "Sure, Sabrina." "I can tell you what Arbor Day is really all about." "Lights, please." "(upbeat instrumental playing) In 1854 a young pioneer," "J. Sterling Morton, moved from Detroit to the Nebraska Territory." "He and his fellow pioneers missed their trees, so on January 4, 1872, Morton proposed a tree-planting holiday to be called Arbor Day." "(clattering, grunting)" "(music stops) Everyone, please hold still!" "I'm almost done!" "(music resumes) BARNEY:" "Over a million trees were planted in Nebraska on that first Arbor Day, and today those tiny saplings have grown into a grove." "A family of trees, if you will." "(music ends)" "That's what Arbor Day is all about." "And now that the Chance tree has intertwined branches with the Collins tree, perhaps the best idea is for this tradition to grow together." "Yes, exactly-- grow, not destroy." "Look," "I'm more than happy to drink maple syrup soup and watch 90210, but I-I just cannot take part in the senseless execution of innocent trees." "But the trees are the most important part of the whole tradition!" "You can't just start a new tradition and think it's gonna be as good." "You ever see the Puppy Bowl?" "They can't even pick that ball up." "And if you don't want to come, you don't have to." "Just Jimmy and Hope can come." "SABRINA:" "None of us are coming." "We are not exposing our daughter to your crazy tree holocaust." "Right, Jimmy?" "BURT:" "Jimmy, are you really turning your back on Papa Woody and your mama's warm maple syrup soup?" "JIMMY:" "I was forced to choose between the traditions of my parents and the wishes of my wife." "I chose to go with the one I share a bed with." "I can't say it was as original or as fun or as exciting as my parents' tradition but it was nice to know that Hope would grow up understanding the important role that trees play in our lives." "NARRATOR:" "And in the ultimate example of biological synergy, our majestic, bark-covered friends exhale life-giving oxygen." "JIMMY:" "And that night we all slept with visions of sugar maples dancing in our heads." "Well, maybe not all of us." "(screaming)" "Oh, God!" "Who the hell are you?" "I'm the Ghost of Arbor Day." "Arbor Day has its own ghost?" "No, I also cover Flag Day, Labor Day, Boxing Day," "Yom Kippur, a whole bunch." "So put on your slippers." "We're going for a walk." "(screams)" "Jimmy!" "Jimmy!" "Jimmy, wake up, wake up!" "He can't hear you." "It's a dream." "Look, let's get a move on, okay?" "Let's get this legal mumbo jumbo out of the way first." "I am a ghost." "These are your rights:" "you have the right to continue dreaming." "Also, I cannot touch your breasts without your permission." "Do I have your permission?" "No." "Very well, then." "I am here to show you a vision of Arbor Day past, present, future." "After you, princess." "This is the Porter Street playground 20 years ago, day after Christmas." "Hey, that's me." "And that's my Suzie So Real doll." "Oh, my God, I loved her." "Then she got recalled when they found out her hair felt so real 'cause it came from the heads of Ukrainian orphans." "You know, you can really help move this thing along if you keep your mouth shut and your eyes open." "Anyway, a lot of kids got what they wanted that year." "But one little boy, he wasn't so lucky on Christmas." "All he got was a homemade yo-yo and a hand full of splinters." "Damn it, I really thought I solved the "come back up" problem this year." "Don't beat yourself up, Burt." "Even if you made the world's best yo-yo, it could never compete with all the expensive toys these other kids have." "Ha-ha, Santa hates you." "(gasps)" "Virginia and Burt felt terrible about how Christmas went for months." "Except New Year's Eve and St. Patrick's Day, then they got pretty drunk." "(chuckles)" "But come springtime, they had an idea." "VIRGINIA:" "Look how happy he is." "And the best part is, no kid in town is going to be happier on Arbor Day than our son." "We don't have to stop here." "Cinco de Mayo is right around the corner." "And there's Presidents' Day, Flag Day," "Columbus Day." "Yeah." "Wow, that's really sweet." "Yes, it is." "I hope this is not too forward, but I would love to see your 9021-oh face." "Maybe later." "Okay, let's go see what's going on across town." "It was Arbor Day at your nana's house, and you were so excited to tell everybody about your new trees." "Daddy, Daddy, I planted six trees all by myself." "I even got an achievement star." "That sounds like something your mother would care about." "Try telling her." "Mommy, Mommy, I'm very proud of my trees." "I'd love for you to come see them." "Not now, honey." "Mommy's on the phone." "Yes." "Any chance you found a pocket mirror and a rolled-up $100 bill in your men's room?" "And once the roots take hold, those trees are going to grow big and tall just like me." "Sabrina, you better not be making my drink slowly just to have some time to finish your boring story." "Hmm." "I remember this room." "I used to stay in here when my parents were away on business." "It was kind of lonely, but the good news was my parents made so much money, I could have any toy I wanted." "Don't worry, Suzie." "When I grow up and have a family, we're gonna have time for each other." "We're not going to worry about work or money or anything." "We're only going to worry about each other." "I am shocked you didn't become a stripper." "All right, enough with the past." "Let's get back to the present." "I have a date with the Ghost of Canadian Thanksgiving." "She's a little bit thick, but she got a sweet face." "This holiday feels kind of stupid without a kid around." "I know, it's just not the same watching Brenda and Dylan make out without seeing the confusion and wonder in a young child's eyes." "(both slurping)" "Wow, that's really sad." "Well, what'd you expect?" "You ruined their Arbor Day." "You know, they're not the only ones who are bummed out." "And when the little boy woke up the next day, all the things he wanted were growing on trees." "But remember, this is only a story, all right?" "It won't really be like this when you wake up." "(both sigh)" "Welcome to Arbor Day future." "Oh, my God, is that Hope?" "She's so beautiful." "And look at all the stuff she has." "Jimmy and I must be doing really well." "Jimmy's bald?" "No, but I looked back at six generations of photos to make sure that there was no baldness in his family before I broke up with Wyatt." "It's stress-related." "When you made Jimmy stop celebrating all the minor holidays, he felt pressure to go overboard on Christmas so Hope would have things other kids have." "There's a saying in the ghost world:" ""Behind every bald man is a ball-busting woman."" "Daddy, I was using that new telescope you gave me and I discovered a new comet." "Daddy's busy, honey." "Can you tell your mother" "I picked up some overtime at Howdy's East?" "(sighs)" "SABRINA:" "He looks terrible." "I mean, did I stay with him?" "Because, I-I mean, I take care of myself, and I expect that my..." "Yeah, bup-bup-bup-bup, wait for it." "(gasps)" "Since it was your choice to stop celebrating the minor holidays, pressure got to you, too." "Hey, Mommy, I..." "No, not now, honey." "Mommy's got to go to work." "(sighs) All those cool toys you have don't grow on trees." "Go talk to your robot." "(door opens and closes)" "No." "No, but I...." "When I grow up and have a family, we're gonna have time for each other." "We're not going to worry about work or money or anything." "We're only gonna worry about each other." "(robotic voice):" "Nanny-Bot registering unacceptable levels of sadness." "Initiating antidepressant cloud." "(distorted voice):" "It's a dream." "(distorted voice continues)" "(gasps)" "(grunts)" "(siren sounds)" "POLICE OFFICER (over speaker):" "Put the sapling down and your hands in the air." "What the hell was she doing?" "I'm glad we decided to finish these burgers before cheering ourselves up by pulling out saplings." "I know, those cops really came out of nowhere." "Where have you been?" "I mean, I tried calling your cell phone and some woman named Big Laquanda answered." "I was in jail." "I had to trade my phone for protection." "Thanks again for bailing me out, guys." "You were in jail?" "Relax, I already asked her." "No group strip searches, no shower fights, and the warden looked nothing like Shannon Tweed." "Cable television lied to us." "I got arrested for ripping out trees in the park." "I know that sounds crazy, but I was visited by the Ghost of Arbor Day, Past, Present and Future." "Oh, I saw Mr. Magoo like that." "He showed me that I was wrong about Arbor Day." "I..." "You guys had a special family tradition that I couldn't see the value in, and... (sighs)" "I ruined it." "No, look, you were right that it was stupid to rip out trees." "I mean, if it was okay, you wouldn't have spent the night in jail." "It's true." "If you hadn't have done it, we were about to, then we would've been in jail." "With my crappy flip phone," "Big Laquanda would've had her way with me." "Oh, that is hot." "For Big Laquanda, I'm gonna picture a young Tyne Daly." "No, Markie Post." "Suzanne Somers." "Serena Williams..." "Serena Williams." "Treat!" "When'd you do that?" "Hey, who said it was me?" "Maybe it was an Arbor Day miracle." "You grew up today, Jimmy." "I'm passing my Arbor Day costume on to you." "You go, Papa Woody." "Papa Woody..." "Oh, now I get it." "(laughter) Right?" "He's like the dad of the forest." "(sighs)" "When you form a family of your own, sometimes old traditions go through a change." "But that doesn't mean they're not just as special." "In our new Arbor Day tradition, we planted trees the way Sabrina wanted." "Of course, she didn't have a choice... but the rest of us did." "And we decided to join her." "And celebrating with Hope turned out to be my favorite Arbor Day ever."