"** [Singing]" "* Stay in shape *" "* It's your duty *" "* Or you'll end up with Oprah's booty *" "Come on, you bunch of out of shape tubbos!" "This job takes strength, endurance and coord..." "Aah!" "[Notch] Wait there!" "I'll join you!" "OK, SPF-30ers." "One hour from now... this beach is gonna be invaded." "Invaded?" "Then we must get to high ground and build bunkers!" "No, Chip." "The beach is gonna be invaded by college students." "It's spring break." "Be still my hearty, we gonna party!" "You girls are all that." "Wait." "Let's not celebrate just yet." "What's that on the beach over there?" "I don't know." "Let's take a look." "[Chip] I wanna be just like him." "Shellfish?" "Well, that's weird." "Usually, it's used condoms and broken syringes." "[Sniffs]" "Ohh!" "You people ever smelled a bad clam?" "Uh-uh." "[Sniffing]" " Ugh!" " Damn!" "Yo, check this out." "It's a 2-headed kingfish." "Holy mackerel!" "Something in that ocean is meshugenah." "Notch, what are we gonna do?" "There's only one thing to do:" "I'm closing the beach for spring break." "Tonight's episode..." "[Announcer] We apologize in advance... for this episode of Son of the Beach." "[Massengil] You want me to do what?" "Mayor Massengil, we must close the beach... and cancel spring break." "Johnson, let me break this to you as gently as I possibly can." "Noooo!" "But, Mayor, before I became a lifeguard..." "I was a marine biologist." "Way to move up, sweetie." "Look, you two." "College students from all over the country... have chosen Malibu Adjacent... as their home for spring break." "After a tough year of drinking and fornicating... these kids need to blow off some steam." "Plus, the hottest show on TV is going to be here." "Walker, Texas Ranger?" "No, you lamebrain chowderhead." "MST..." "Music and Sex Television." "And... they're going to interview me." "But what about this?" "I'm not gonna let that... ruin my chance for national exposure." "OK, fine, Mayor, but I'm warning you." "If the press finds out about these bad clams... you're the one who's going down." ""Cancel spring break, or I'll destroy your beach." "Fondly, the Unidumper."" "Ha ha ha ha!" "It's nothing." "Ellen, you're a salty old sea biscuit." "You know anything about clams?" "Ha ha ha ha!" "Notch, I've probably eaten over 100,000 clams in my day... maybe a hair more." "Well, what do you make of this one?" "[Sniffs]" "Mmm!" "Mmm!" "Mmm!" "[Smacking Lips]" "[Spits]" "Sand." "Mmm!" "Mmm!" "Eww!" "That's a bad clam, all right!" "There's only one thing that can make a clam go bad like that." "Lack of ventilation?" "No." "Nuclear waste." "Nuclear waste." " Can you believe the chicks on this beach?" " Yeah!" " Can you believe the chicks on this beach?" " Yeah!" "All right, check this out." "I, Chad Jeremy, bet my BMW against your BMW... that I can get any woman on this beach... to go to Crabapalooza with me." " Nooo!" " Whoa!" "OK, Chad, how about Buffy?" "[Laughter]" "Buffy?" "She's a geek." "A dog." "Hey, Buffy, do you have a date to Crabapalooza?" "No!" "No, I don't." "Well, you'll get one... if you put a bag over your head." "[Laughter]" "Yeah, man, I want a challenge." " Yeah!" " Yeah!" "I want to get the hottest chick on this beach." " Yeah!" " Yeah!" "I wanna nail... that girl!" " Ooh!" " Ooh!" "Oh, my God, you guys." "There's Chad Jeremy." "He is so the bomb!" "Oh, I hope he asks me to Crabapalooza." "There's that spaz Buffy." "Watch this." "Hey, Buffy." "Who are you going to Crabapalooza with?" "Well, I don't really have a date." "Well, I can fix you up... with a lab rat!" "[Laughter]" "I think I know how to get Chad Jeremy to notice me." "I'm going into the ocean to get my nipples wet." "Ohh!" "Ha ha ha!" "Yeah, I'll be starting quarterback... for the S.U.C.M.A. Cocks this year." "I never met a fraternity boy before... on account of I..." "I growed up on the wrong side of the tracks." "You didn't go to college?" "You sure fooled me." "I know this is kinda quick... but would you go to Crabapalooza with me?" "Wow!" "Crabapalooza?" "That's the biggest night of spring break." "I'm moving too fast." "It's just that I drive a brand-new BMW." "No." "It's not the speed, Chad." "It's the thrill of being asked to Crabapalooza." "I'd love to go." "[Woman Screaming]" "[Girl] Oh, my God!" "Excuse me." "What's going on here?" "This sorority girl washed up on shore." "She's alive, but something's eating away at her skin." "She looked like Satan's girlfriend, girlfriend." "I put this towel on her 'cause she's covered with shmutz." "Let's get her up to headquarters." "Even better, Kimberlee... let's get her up to headquarters." "And when I find the person responsible for this..." "I am gonna tell him a thing or two." "And I'm gonna make sure I have really bad breath... and I'm gonna say..." ""I found you!" "Hah!" "Hah!" "Hah!"" "Johnson, I am not gonna let a few dead fish... keep me out of the national spotlight." "It's not about dead fish anymore." "An injured girl washed up on shore." "Her skin is awful... and her face looks like 2 miles of bad autobahn." "Chip, ixnay on the autobahnay." "She's right behind the curtain." "Stop wasting my time." "I'm sure she's not as gruesome as you say she is." "OK, fine." "But remember, when I pull back this curtain... act normal." "We need to make her think nothing is wrong." "OK." "Here goes." "[Gasps]" "There." "You see?" "Not so bad." "Well, you're looking, uh..." "I'm so sorry, Mayor." "Aah..." "Boy... it's a good thing I skipped lunch." "I never dreamed something like this could happen." "Hey, the best is yet to come." "Crabapalooza's Saturday night." "Oh, I'm so excited, Chad." "I've been catching crabs all week." "You know, B.J., it's a custom at Crabapalooza... to have unprotected sex with the person you go with." "I know." "But, Chad... there's something I should tell you." "Don't worry." "I have herpes, too." "No." "I don't care about that." "It's just that..." "I'm a..." "I'm a virgin." "And I..." "I wanna give it up, but... to someone that really loves me." "B. J..." "I love you." "That's all I needed to hear." "You know, you're gonna need some lingerie for Crabapalooza." "You got any?" "Does Victoria have a secret?" "OK, Steve, but that serves as your treat for the day." "[Steve Whines]" "Oh, hey, Kimberlee." "How's that girl with the funky-ass skin?" "Oh, it's horrible." "She's gonna be scarred for life." "At least she got out of the cleanup process." "[Toilet Flushes]" "I don't ever want to look at you people again." "Just show me where I left my briefcase." "Here it is." "Here, ma'am." "Oh!" "Uh, I'll take that." "Hey, what's this?" ""The shores are meant for solitude... not senseless orgying." "Cancel spring break, or I'll destroy your beach." "Fondly, the Unidumper."" "Give me that!" "I've had enough of you people." "[Notch] Mayor?" "Notch, we have to stop her." "The Unidumper cut out those letters... and the mayor's trying to cover it up." "Nobody is gonna dump a load in my ocean." "We cannot poo-poo this... even if we have to pull double duty." "Let's all go together." "[Chad] There is no way I'm losing this bet." " Whoa!" " Ooh!" "So B.J. Really thinks you love her?" "This chick is as dumb as a box of rocks." "After Saturday night, I'm gonna be driving 2 Beemers:" "Mine and yours." "Yeah, right." "[Chad] Come on, boys!" "Let's go get drunk!" "Ellen, we have to tell these women to stop eating their clams." "That's askin' a lot, Notch." "Excuse me, can I talk to you for a second?" "Sure, little lady." "What can I do you for?" "My name's Buffy... and I have a petition I'd like you to sign." "Let's see. "The shores are meant for solitude, not senseless orgying."" "Yadda yadda yadda." "Yeah, sure, I'll sign it." "I'd love to give you myJane Hancock." "Thank you so much." "Whoa." "Hey, what was that about?" "Some petition to cancel spring break." "You know, "The shores are meant for solitude... not senseless orgying."" "What?" "Notch, that's what the Unidumper's ransom note said." "[Women Screaming]" "Make way for some room!" "Make way!" "You won't believe this, Skip." "Oy vay.!" "I want to plotz.!" "Look, Notch." "Look what they did to poor Steve." "It's one thing to make that sorority hoochie all scaly and scabby... but when they pick on a poor, innocent puppy dog..." "You're right, Jamaica." "That's where we draw the line." "Hey, Unidumper!" "It's Notch Johnson!" "You're history, man!" "It's cold!" "It's cold!" "Cold, cold, cold, cold!" "Evacuate the water!" "Evacuate the water!" "Otherwise, you will become scaly and scabby." "Out of the water!" "[Speaking German]" "B.J., we need to rap." "OK, but I'm not very good at rhyming." "No." "It's about Chad Jeremy." "The only reason he asked you to Crabapalooza... is because he made a bet he could sleep with you." "Don't kid me or jive me like that, 'Maica." "I've fallen in love with Chad." "It's perfectly safe!" "Come back in..." "Come on!" "I overheard the whole thing." "He's using you, girlfriend." "No." "He loves me." "He told me so." "You take that back!" "I wish I could, honey." "I don't lie to my best friend." "And I was gonna let him go where no man has ever gone before!" "I know, honey." "It's OK." "I was gonna give him my crabs." "It's OK." " Notch!" " Yeah." "Ellen told us nuclear waste is causing this." "What do you say I go talk to the people at the nuclear power plant?" "Hey, better yet, Kimberlee... you go talk to the people at the nuclear power plant." "What?" "Hey, Beej." "Don't you Beej me." "I found out about your little bet." "Oops!" "Guess I just lost a BMW... unless you wanna sleep with me anyway." "I would never sleep with you." "I don't care if you're..." "SUCMA cock." "Your loss, bitch." "I'm gonna go take a swim." "Makes my big package look even bigger." "The ocean is closed, Chad." "Not for me!" "Ha ha!" "Aah!" "It burns!" "Help!" "Aah!" "Try to hang on!" "Notch, I just came from the nuclear power plant." "It turns out Buffy was a college intern there." "They suspect her of stealing nuclear waste." "And what's worse... they think she's taken a device that can blow up the plant." "Calling all guards." "Calling all guards." "This is Notch Johnson requesting an AP... on Buffy the eco-terrorist." "Notch, it's me..." "Ellen." "I just spotted Buffy at the marina." "OK, Ellen." "I'm on it." "You're not going anywhere, young lady." "[Engine Starts]" "That little gal can pack quite a wallop." "I like it." "Hottie McDaniel from MST, Music and Sex Television... talking to Anita Massengil, mayor of Malibu Adjacent." "Mayor, Notch Johnson says the water is, like, way gross." "Well, Hottie, as mayor of Malibu Adjacent..." "I can tell you there's been a slight problem... but you know our slogan." "Come to Malibu Adjacent." "You'll say, "I can't believe it's not Malibu."" "[Cheering]" "There she is." "She seems to have run out of gas." "Notch, get the FBI out here." "Kimberlee, I've got a better idea." "Something I saw on Walker, Texas Ranger." "If you come any closer..." "I'll blow up half of California." "Buffy, think about what you're doing." "What are you gonna tell your date for Crabapalooza?" "I don't have a date for Crabapalooza!" "A pretty girl like you doesn't have a date for Crabapalooza?" "I'm not pretty!" "I'm a geek!" "And I'm sick of not having any fun!" "Buffy, trust me." "You are pretty." "And there's nothing more important in life... than being a pretty girl." "Buffy, could we try a little experiment?" "Sure..." "I guess." "OK." "Take off your glasses... and let down your hair." "Whoa." "OK." "One last thing." "Could we see you in just your bathing suit?" "Now, could you lean on the side of the boat... with your butt towards the sky... and your legs spread... so just a shaft of sunlight comes through the pass?" "Well, a gal can dream, can't she?" "Now, Buffy, hand Notch the device." "No!" "Ohh..." "Back off!" "All I wanted was a date for Crabapalooza!" "But no boy is ever interested in me." "Hey... let me ask you something." "Does it have to be a boy?" "What are you saying?" "I'm saying, uh... how about goin' meatless for a while?" "Be my date for Crabapalooza." "I am strangely attracted to that fat woman on The Practice." "Yes!" "I'd love to go to Crabapalooza with you." "OK!" "Notch Johnson and theJohnsonaires!" "Hi, teens." "Notch Johnson here." "You know, tonight's show was really a homage to college... and especially the State University College at Malibu Adjacent." "Founded back in the late 1990s... the State University College at Malibu Adjacent... offers 3 majors:" "Lifeguarding... microbrew management... and, of course... gynecology." "So if you're looking for an unaccredited college... make sure at the top of your list... is the State University College at Malibu Adjacent." "Ready, gang?" "S.U.C.M.A.!" "S.U.C.M.A.!" "S.U.C.M.A.!" "SUCMA!" "So until next time... this is Notch "SUCMA"Johnson saying..." ""Ride the big one.""