"Man, there's so much choice." "Uh..." "Let me take a, uh..." "Chai latte, extra-whipped, please." "I'm in the mood for something sweet." "Um, a chai tea latte with extra whip." "Pussy drink." "Oh, please." "You know, the way you've been eating lately, you're not gonna be able to find your penis soon." "Ladies find that really attractive." "It's also kind of expensive." "You know, you could save almost two dollars if you were to order a green tea." "Uh..." "Anything else?" "You know what?" "I'm sorry." "Uh, scrap that." "Let me have, uh..." "Just an iced green tea, no sweetener." "That all?" "And, um..." "I think" " I think that might..." "You should get a piece of lemon cake." "Take some of your lemon cake." "Okay." "It looks pretty delicious." "That's it." "That's it." "In and out." "Out of here." "You know what?" "Um..." "No lemon cake." "Uh, just the iced tea." "That's it." "Are you sure?" "Yeah." "All right, give me the cake." "Just the cake." "I need cake." "You know, it must be one of those..." "One of those sort of days." "Here." "Keep the change." "Thank you." "I apologize." "I'm so sorry." "Hi." "Can I get a black coffee?" "You broke up with Jennifer Clark in the sixth grade because she got you a Valentine's day card." "We'd only been going together a week when she got me that card." "She got the whole class Valentine's day cards." "But yours didn't have a candy heart on it that said "be mine."" "So what's your point?" "Three months ago, you were ready to move in with Carrie, and now you wanna break up with her?" "But every time I think seriously about moving in with her," "I freak out, man, you know?" "I break into a cold sweat." "I get acid reflux." "It's no good." "And I constantly imagine myself out of the relationship." "That ain't healthy." "Truth is, I honestly believe that there's somebody out there that will just get it." "Where I won't have to work at it, and there won't be this constant angst." "But I know you, so this is wasted breath, but it's not Carrie, it's you." "But she's far and away the best you've had." "You know, it's only been two years." "You could still do the manly thing and just stop calling." "I can't do that." "Sure you can." "It's the beautiful thing about dating in L.A., no one expects it to last." "So what are you gonna tell her?" "That you need your freedom?" "That you love her, but you're not in love with her?" "Or you gonna tell her the truth?" "That you're too much of a coward to actually commit, and that you've just wasted two years of her life." "Probably gonna go with the freedom thing, I think." "Better do it now." "Hmm?" "If you don't do it now, she'll just leave you, just like mom did." "Bringing that up." "It doesn't matter." "You're gonna die eventually." "The world will just keep going." "Think of all the people that have died in history and no one even remembers them." "Billions." "Makes you wanna get drunk and listen to old tom waits albums." "You're horrible with money." "When you're too old to work, you have no excuses to put up on your homeless sign." "You're not disabled, not a veteran, not a single parent." "You're gonna starve." "And Carrie is very fiscally responsible." "Listen, you should find someplace nearby and go rub one out." "Then during the eight-minute emotional flatline, you break it off and run for the hills." "It'll all be a blur." "You won't feel a thing." "Yeah, great idea." "There's a middle school down the street." "Just go there." "Unbelievable." "What's the matter with you?" "I thought you said to break it off." "I'm not ready." "It makes me sad." "I don't wanna be by myself." "Jesus." "We've been through this." "You cry when we get too close, you cry when we get too far." "I mean, what's it gonna be?" "Don't be so mean." "He's just a kid." "Hey." "Hey." "Wow, something smells good." "Yeah, it's homemade, right out of the box, just like mama used to make." "Oh." "I missed you today." "You did, huh?" "Mm-hmm." "Don't you miss me everyday?" "Not so much." "Most days I'm too focused on my other boyfriend." "Ah, that makes sense." "Mm-hmm." "Is he smart and charming like me?" "Does he have an accent?" "No and no, but he's very blessed." "What do you mean?" "He's catholic?" "I see what you did." "You're disgusting." "I called you on it." "Wow." "All right." "How was your day?" "It was good." "Mark Jenkins told me I was the prettiest girl in the world." "You tell mark Jenkins he better watch it, or it'll be more than his lunch money he needs to worry about." "Ooh." "Big, strong boyfriend's gonna be up a second-grader to defend my honor." "Well, it depends." "How big is this kid?" "You could take him." "Really?" "Uh, it might be close. 'Cause I've been working out." "He's a tough kid." "He takes karate after school." "Karate?" "Yeah, I'm out." "Oh, seriously?" "Yes, 'cause of all the throwing." "You know, I can't do it with my back now." "It's crazy." "And I don't wanna mess this whole thing up." "Oh, okay." "I accept the fact that your face is more important than my honor." "Will you please grow a pair and end this already?" "I like the way you don't let on that anything's wrong." "Just lead her on, lead her on, lead her on, and then, wham!" "Like a fucking freight train she never saw coming." "I'm just trying to find the right time here." "Yeah, speaking of trains, that one left the station two years ago." "You weren't on it." "Coward." "Pussy." "I'm not getting any younger, you know?" "Maybe..." "Maybe I should stay in it." "I mean, she's a great girl, right?" "Wait." "Nobody move." "I thought it was extinct, but I think" "I just heard the voice of reason." "Sixty-five is the new thirty." "You got plenty of time." "I mean, how about that 20-year-old at the gym the other day?" "I could see her nipples right through her shirt." "Fucking eraser heads." "It's been 17 years since you were 20." "In another 17, you'll be 54." "17 after that, 71, and another 17..." "You're probably dead." "Hey, I got you a new car charger, since yours died." "Oh, thanks, sweetheart." "You didn't have to do that." "I know I didn't." "I wanted to." "What are we doing Friday night?" "'Cause Sarah invited us to go see this band ten west in long beach." "She's dating the drummer." "I thought she was dating that bassist from actuary." "He cheated on her with the lead singer's girlfriend." "She's kind of a groupie." "Slutty groupie." "Mm-hmm." "Fantasy there, huh?" "A little." "Yeah, but groupies are 20, and she's 37." "Wow." "I thought she was way older." "Ow." "That's so mean." "She's sweet." "I'm sure." "And funny and there's someone out there for here." "I know, but I do think she has to let go of that whole desperate need to get married thing she's got going on." "It's not attractive." "Mm-hmm." "There I agree with you." "Jen thinks that Kevin's gonna propose when they go to Hawaii." "She should say no." "It's too cliché." "Getting married is cliché?" "No, getting proposed to in Hawaii is." "Kev's an original guy." "That surprises me." "He's a man with seven tortoises in a 1957 travel trailer." "I'm surprised he'd do something so unoriginal." "No, it's romantic." "It's romantic in a bachelorette kind of way." "Are you honestly telling me that you would like to be proposed to in Hawaii?" "Honestly, at my age, I would take a proposal in north Dakota." "Right." "Easy now." "That's a joke." "No, it wasn't." "If you ever do sack up and finally break this off, you should call Melissa." "She scares me." "She should, honey." "She's a sexual sociopath." "Yeah, sociopaths are the best in the sack." "You should write that down, kid." "You'll thank me for it later." "Can you rub my shoulders?" "Really?" "I'm really sore." "Yeah, come here." "I don't know why, but right here really bad." "Do it!" "Don't do it!" "No, wait!" "Do it!" "You are unbelievable." "You know, you're the reason that mom and dad got divorced." "Sit with that." "You know, on my way home today," "I noticed this house right off York in highland park." "It's a fixer-upper, but it's got great potential." "Oh, I don't know, honey." "The housing market's pretty unstable right now." "Look, I know we can afford this one." "Just come take a look with me." "Yeah, just let me know when." "All right, that's it." "I'm out." "I can't do this." "Does she really have to bring this up now?" "Yeah, really, I mean, who would wanna buy a house when there's so many perfectly good Bridges to live under?" "How do you spell sociopath?" "S-o-c-- uh-huh." "Yeah." "No." "No sociopaths." "Okay, here's what you do." "Start working your hands down slow." "Uh-huh." "Mm-hmm." "Then you start massaging her tits." "When she starts moaning, you're in." "Works every time." "He's gross." "Thank you." "I feel so much better." "Just paying my dues." "I went shopping today." "You did?" "Yeah." "Yeah?" "What'd you get?" "It's a surprise." "I think you're gonna like it." "Oh, this is gonna be so good." "Look at those panties." "Come on, baby." "Show daddy that landing strip." "Knowing Carrie, she probably got a really good deal on those." "Likee like?" "I want you to feel like a real man." "So I'll let you work your way down." "Under no circumstance do you break up until that happens." "Yeah, so normally I don't care about anything, but I'm with him on this one." "I don't see any reason fiscally not to do it." "You're gonna have sex with her, and then after ten minutes, break up with her after two years?" "Seriously?" "No." "Yeah." "No." "Yes." "If you do, I hope you die very slowly of a very painful disease." "Go ahead, big man, break up with her now." "You're all so, "oh, it's not fair to her, she deserves better."" "He's such a fucking asshole." "Don't break up." "I'm not ready." "You know what?" "You are driving me crazy." "Do you understand that?" "If you keep this up, I'm gonna call child protective services on my self." "Do you know what that means?" "Huh?" "You made him cry." "Mmm." "I love you." "That just totally killed my boner." "Do it now." "Now?" "What kind of monster do you think I am?" "I'm gonna go with the Jekyll and Hyde type of monster." "Real original." "What should I do?" "Do you wanna retire in the South of France or reseda?" "Uh..." "Either way you're just gonna be dying alone, very slowly, suffering as the healthcare system keeps you alive too long." "Oh, my God." "Is he gonna have any long-term healthcare?" "He's gonna die on a park bench!" "For the love of God, will you please stop with all this financial bullshit?" "!" "Look, you're gonna be rich regardless." "Yeah?" "How?" "I don't know." "Fuck." "You'll invent something." "You'll start a porn site." "Maybe you're gonna win the lottery." "Fuck it, I don't know, but you're young." "Don't worry about it." "She knows something's up." "How?" "How does she know?" "Trust me, she knows." "Shit." "Cedric, does she know something?" "Cedric!" "Let's see. "Does she know anything?" Is..." "Oh, here we go." "Okay, it's your move." "Uh, what's the spread on the dolphins' game Sunday?" "Plus three and a half." "Three and a half." "Okay, pick a card, any card." "Ah, okay." "Here we go." "Okay." "She has absolutely no idea anything is up." "David..." "You're acting kind of distant, like, all night." "What is it?" "Wow, we're really gonna do this here, huh?" "Do what?" "Okay, so I've been, uh, feeling that, um..." "That you and I, this, should just, uh..." "You know?" "Can you just say it?" "Say it!" "I think we should break up." "I think, um..." "That we should break up." "No!" "Fucking cocksucker!" "Dickhead!" "Bastard!" "Asshole!" "Freeloader!" "Communist!" "You are never gonna get married." "Oh, and about your eggs?" "Yeah, you'll be able to devil them soon." "Hope you have a picnic coming up." "Marriage is so overrated." "You want a baby?" "Go down to the sperm bank." "Get yourself some good-looking Harvard grad sperm." "Get on with it." "Just be calm, okay?" "You're a totally wonderful and a beautiful person." "I mean, just concentrate on your breathing." "The cosmos, they're, like, totally aware of your essence." "Am I not pretty enough?" "So that's it?" "You're just done." "Two years." "I mean, would you like me to pack up the leftover lasagna?" "You can take it to go." "That would be good, actually." "If you could put the garlic bread in a separate container, don't want it to get soggy." "And if she's serious, you could probably get two meals out of it." "I just don't feel like I'm in it anymore." "You know?" "I'm getting deja vu." "Oh, wait, it's because we've been here before." "Like, a dozen times." "Says here fat women-- that would be you-- are more likely to die alone." "Whatever." "She should dump the lasagna in his lap and tell him to get the fuck out." "I knew this day was coming." "I knew it." "The other day when he said, "hey, baby,"" "he emphasized the "a" just a little bit longer, and then I was up all night thinking about it." "Don't let him go!" "I love him!" "Can we just slow down and seriously talk about this?" "Absolutely not." "Our work here is done." "You are a horrible person." "The day after you die, the traffic's still gonna suck, some pop song will still be playing on the radio." "You could be securing your financial future with a fixer-upper in highland park, but now you're the fixer-upper." "You know how we always talked about getting married and having kids?" "Most days, I'm great with that." "But then there are other days where I just think..." "I don't know if I want that at all." "And I don't know how to tell you without upsetting you or making you mad." "I'm a mess." "And I don't think it's fair to waste any more of your time." "Yeah, so that's code for you're boring and he's tired of fucking you." "Uh, let's not forget we're tired of fucking his ass, too." "Kick him to the curb." "Listen, folks, he's probably our last chance for babies." "He walks, get ready for a long, lonely life." "You'll be all right." "Call him on his bullshit!" "That's kind of a bullshit answer." "Is it?" "Yeah." "I've never once seriously pressured you about marriage or kids." "I know." "Just tell me the truth." "I am telling the truth." "It's just how I feel." "I don't know what I want." "It's like I'm falling apart right now." "Well, let me help you." "You can't." "This is my mess, and I gotta be the one who fixes it." "Yeah, but you won't." "You've had 37 years to fix it on your own, and you haven't." "I know all your issues, Dave, and I still love you." "You're just gonna throw all that away?" "Can we try couples counseling or something?" "What do you want me to do, sit on a couch and cry?" "Maybe." "Maybe, or I could just drive a rusty nail through the head of my cock." "Counseling can get pretty pricey." "For the love of God, it's like you've shot and didn't kill Bambi's mom, and you're just standing there watching her bleed out." "Just fucking get it over with." "Put the gun to her head and pull the trigger." "Yeah, you see, I can't do that." "I feel to guilty, you know?" "Oh." "You know what?" "Maybe I should just talk to her, huh?" "Let her feel better." "No, that's not gonna make her feel better, it's gonna make you feel better." "Hear me, okay?" "You are torturing her." "Just get it over with." "Just leave." "She's a big girl." "She'll be all right." "Yeah, but what if she can't find someone else, you know?" "Hmm?" "Oh, don't flatter yourself." "She'll have no problem finding someone else." "Did you know that the human head remains conscious for 15 to 20 seconds after it's been decapitated?" "1,001, 1,002..." "I don't know, honey, the whole therapy thing," "I mean, it's..." "It's not really me." "Look, I know you don't wanna hear this, but truthfully, this is better for both of us." "In the long run, it is." "I can't give you what you want." "But you are giving me what I want." "I'm happy, Dave." "Don't let him leave." "Keep him here all night." "Grind him down until he agrees to stay." "Do you really wanna be with some guy that you've gotta grind down to make him stay?" "I must be missing something." "She's 32." "Any other dumb questions?" "This isn't about our relationship." "It's about his issues." "Why can't he just see that?" "Well, 'cause he's not ready to see it in this moment, you know, but he will, when the moon pushes the tide of understanding to his door." "What is it with you, you pseudo-intellectual, patchouli-smelling hippie?" "Wait, why is he leaving?" "What did I do wrong?" "I can do better." "Am I gonna be a cat lady?" "Yes." "Here, kitty, kitty." "Mama's got some nice, warm milk." "Some tears might help." "You're such a huge part of my life." "And I see you every day." "We spend the weekends together." "You're my best friend." "Now you're gonna be gone." "It's like somebody died." "Dude, her sister was looking fucking hot at that barbecue the other day." "When you get out of here, you should call her." "This is really sad, man." "No, sad is the amount of pussy you've missed out on in the last two years." "That makes me wanna fucking cry." "Should've gone off the pill without telling him." "Hope it's not too late." "Move on." "You know that guy that asked you out at whole foods?" "He would've sacrificed goats in your honor." "Please, he looked like a goat." "Write him a note and tell him you love him." "Just shower him with love and kindness, you know, and a little bit of yoga in there just to open the chakras up, right?" "You can feel that." "That's good." "Breathe." "But what does it mean?" "I mean, are we gonna get back together?" "Is this our last hug?" "Is he gonna hug another girl this way?" "Who shot Kennedy?" "Was it one shooter or was it two?" "I mean, does he love me even though he's not in love with me?" "What is love anyway?" "Does this straight jacket make me look fat?" "What is he thinking right now?" "What are you thinking about?" "Quick, man, what should I tell her, huh?" "The truth, of course." "I can't." "Why?" "Because I was thinking about having sex with her sister." "God, who does that?" "All righty then." "Okay, it says here we need to soothe her, make her feel safe, make her feel loved." "Loved." "I like it." "Okay, did you have bacon for breakfast this morning?" "I did, yeah." "Yeah, that's what I thought." "Mm." "Okay, come here." "Tell her." "Lyle lovett." "Fucking Lyle lovett?" "Really?" "I'm laying on you crying and you're thinking about Lyle lovett?" "I'm sorry." "Lyle lovett was on the radio at the diner this morning." "Right, I know it sounds weird, but just let me explain." "Yes, one part of my brain was thinking about Lyle lovett, and actually it was about a breakfast that Lyle-- bacon-- you know what?" "It doesn't matter." "It doesn't matter." "The point is, the other part of my brain was 100% thinking about the important thing here, which is not Lyle lovett." "It's you and me." "And that's..." "What happened there." "Only you." "I know, I'm sorry, you know?" "It's okay." "What goes on in my head is weird." "At least it's never boring." "Listen, I'm not staying up till 4:00 in the morning on this one." "Just not doing it." "This is the part where she makes you feel so guilty you wanna cut your own ball sack open and watch yourself bleed to death." "Bitch move." "At least that would put an end to all this misery." "If you're gonna kill yourself, get an insurance policy, but then wait." "They won't pay on suicide for at least two years." "Leave the money to a kids' program that focuses on basic money management skills." "Leave it to an emotionally battered women's shelter." "Who's gonna buy me McDonald's ice cream after the movies?" "Oh, come on." "It's not like we're not gonna hang out anymore." "It's not like I don't wanna see you ever again." "Oh, good." "Yeah, we'll get together and we'll have dinner and go to the movies and fuck now and then." "No thanks." "You're damn right "no thanks"!" "You ain't gonna milk this cow for a cheap dinner and a lame-ass movie." "Huh." "Now, a nice five-star in Vegas and a great show..." "And we can talk." "You're probably right." "You say that like you're not even gonna miss me." "Of course I'm gonna-- of course I'm gonna miss you." "Yeah, he's gonna miss you like a fish misses a hook in its mouth." "Of course he's gonna miss you." "Your heart's have merged, man." "I mean, your spirits have, like, come together, and your love has received the blessing and the energy of the stars." "Energy of the stars?" "Really?" "Really?" "I'm a great girl." "I'm a catch." "Damn right you are, and don't you forget it." "Oh, I'm sure he's found some other really great girl." "Is it somebody else?" "Really?" "Is there-- no." "Is there-- no." "Are you sure?" "Yeah, I'm sure." "Yeah." "It's gotta be someone else!" "But who?" "Who is he fucking?" "!" "Oh, God, that checker from rite aid, I saw her looking at him with that look!" "Or the blonde from the office party!" "That dirty whore!" "Or wait, wait." "Oh, my God, you guys." "Oh, my God!" "Could it be Sarah?" "Our best friend?" "!" "Would she do that to us?" "!" "I saw her with him at the barbecue, and something was going on!" "Oh, my God, you guys!" "What if it's all three?" "!" "Here, I made you some organic, cage-free, free-range, all-natural, naturally decaffeinated, high-in-fiber herbal tea with, like, no added preservatives." "It's really good." "Oh, he's fidgeting like he's gonna move." "It's time." "Yep." "Might as well get some ass out this mess." "Mm." "Aw, giggity." "Break-up sex is better than a new bike on Christmas morning." "You're starting to look like that dancing hippo with the tutu." "What's that cartoon called?" "Now that's what I'm talking about." "Can't let any emotional bullshit get in the way of a good fuck." "Harder!" "Harder!" "Harder!" "Or softer so you can both, like, bathe in the emotional sadness of this." "When was the last time you got waxed?" "No wonder he's breaking up with you." "Girl, it's like a jungle down there." "Keep going!" "Keep going!" "Oh, that feels so good!" "It feels so good!" "I want his babies!" "I want him to burn in eternal hell!" "Good girl." "Oh, yeah." "I'm gonna miss that." "Yeah, me, too." "So I can stay if you want me to, you know?" "No." "It's best if you just go." "All right." "We're done here." "Don't go." "Stay." "Stay, please, stay." "It's nice and warm here." "No." "Why do we have to go?" "Because it's all we know how to do." "All right, listen, guys." "This is gonna be a really tough time, so no more of this petty bickering." "We've gotta present a united front if we're gonna get through this." "I say we all start by just being quiet for a little while." "I'm gonna be right back." "I'm gonna put some smooth jazz on, set the mood." "Wow." "Okay." "It's amazing how quiet it gets every time he leaves the room." "It's like someone's been revving up a harley in your bathroom, and then..." "Quite suddenly you're doing yoga by a Walt Whitman pond." "Sublime." "No way." "Bastard." "Damn it." "I hate being locked in just because he starts thinking with his dick!" "Mmm." "You smell that?" "What?" "That is the sweet smell of freedom." "No more having to text her all the time, no more weekends together, no more of those family functions, no more putting together Ikea furniture." "Isn't this great?" "Come on, shake it off." "It is not healthy to carry the pain for this long." "Dude, it's been, like, three minutes." "That's my point." "Is this the right decision?" "You're a man, you don't think." "You hunt, gather, barbecue, and fuck." "Well, that's ridiculous." "Hey!" "Wait." "Hunt, gather, barbecue, and fuck!" "Hunt, gather, barbecue, and fuck." "I got it." "Hunt, gather, barbecue, and fuck." "Hunt, gather, barbecue, and fuck." "Come in." "It's open." "My best friend." "Oh." "Honey, it's all gonna be okay." "No it's not." "Yeah, it totally is." "I mean, the cosmos, they're looking down on you and they're crying with you and the moon is, like, hold you in her arms." "I'll be honest, I liked Dave, but it was always hard to see you two together." "He never seemed like he could go the distance." "Buddy, can I get another double, please?" "Are you sure?" "It's your fourth." "I'm walking." "I'm good." "Thank you." "All right." "Come on, snap out of it." "Oh, yeah." "The fun's about to begin." "Look, I say we start with that girl that spilled the drink all over herself." "Already a little bit wasted, you don't have to spend any money." "She's a little bit on the thick side, but since you didn't exactly bring your "a"" "game tonight, that could work in her favor." "No?" "I knew he wasn't perfect." "But he made me laugh." "We had so much fun together." "I didn't see this coming." "Carrie, you never see it coming." "Will, Alan, Nathan, now Dave." "You gotta do something different." "She's a cute girl." "You get along famously." "And she's got a good job." "Maybe you could be that cool lesbian couple that adopts a black baby." "Uh, except we're not into women like that." "Honey, a strap-on goes a long way." "I'm just saying." "You gotta find a guy who's always there for you, who's willing to stay in the game." "You deserve that." "Like that guy exists." "He does so." "Little mermaid, cinderella, sleeping beauty, snow white." "Simon and Garfunkel..." "Sid and Nancy..." "You know a guy like that?" "No." "Look at us, we're gorgeous." "Why else would we be sitting here single?" "Guys are assholes." "Or that girl with the dragon tattoo outside smoking a cigarette?" "She had a tongue ring, tramp stamp, probably goes to a community college." "That is a sure thing." "Come on." "Come on, you know you want some." "Oh." "Hello, Melissa!" "Come to papa." "Look, I know it's not easy, but you're just gonna have to go out there and find another damaged horse to get thrown off of." "Oh, my God." "The thought of dating again makes me wanna throw up." "Love sucks." "To love sucking." "I'll take a double vodka on the rocks, on his tab, please." "Sure." "Good old miss Melissa, huh?" "You look good." "It's been a while." "Yeah, I think the last time was when you fucked me and didn't return my phone call..." "Again." "Yeah, sorry about that." "He's been busy having sex twice a week with the same girl, typically in missionary, while all the while daydreaming about that reach-around you gave him at the truck stop." "Look, you know what?" "I just came out of a relationship." "So we can't do this whole thing." "You've been a bad boy." "Not so much lately." "But he's about to be." "And mommy missed you." "No, don't stop." "Tell me you love me." "Yeah." "What?" "Tell me!" "I love you." "Oh, God, sweetheart." "I love you, too." "I love you so much." "Thanks for saying that." "Oh, you are such a good boy." "Would you rather be buried or cremated?" "What's cremated?" "They light you on fire, then they burn you to ash." "A lot cheaper than being buried." "Don't listen to them, sweetie." "You got a good, long life ahead of you." "No, you don't." "It will be miserable, and then you will die." "There might be fleeting moments of joy, but mostly it's gonna suck." "Oh, you gotta be kidding me." "Ooh." "Oh, finally." "He lost focus." "Seriously?" "Oh, yeah." "Come here and jerk it for me." "I'll pull the damn thing off." "Tell me I'm your whore!" "You're my whore!" "Bastard!" "I'm nobody's whore!" "What's going on in there?" "Why is he watching this?" "She's got a purple caterpillar." "Can I play with it?" "Honey, sorry, uh, purple caterpillars are for big boys." "I bet she didn't use a coupon for them." "Seriously?" "You ever rub one out in your wallet, pretending it was a nice, warm pussy?" "No." "Yeah, you have." "You fucking liar." "What a weirdo." "No!" "No!" "No!" "Oh, man." "Mmm." "I just knew we'd get back together." "Mmm." "What's my baby want for breakfast?" "I never thought I'd say this, but that was just wrong." "Don't you think I've gone through enough pain as it is?" "That condom was worth every penny." "So, anal beads..." "The good news is, when you do die, you'll never know you existed, so you'll never know that happened." "Really?" "Yeah, Melissa Melissa." "Seriously?" "The one who set your bedroom on fire?" "Yeah, God, I feel nauseous." "When's it gonna stop." "What are you having?" "Uh, just coffee, black." "I'll take, um..." "Let's see here." "Um..." "Smell your pillow." "Smell it!" "Hey, you should wear his favorite t-shirt." "Yeah, you should call him." "No, no, no, you should go to his house." "No!" "I got it, I got it, I got it!" "You should go to his office and you should go to the roof and you should threaten to jump off of it!" "Yeah, but wait, call the cops first, okay?" "So that they'll be there." "Yeah, 'cause then maybe we'll be on the news!" "You know, I read in the paper that the humane society is having a two-for-one special on cats." "Maybe you should check that out." "Allow yourself to grieve, okay?" "Honor the process and align yourself with yourself, okay?" "You can only be who you are right now in this moment." "You should call him and tell him you miss him this much!" "Call him to come get his shit and get on with your life." "The best way to get over a man is with another one." "Hey." "Hey." "How are you?" "I'm all right." "How are you?" "I'm all right." "I'm just calling 'cause I kind of packed up all your stuff." "So I was wondering if you could come by and get it." "Sure." "Sure, of course." "I'll, uh..." "I'll be in the valley this afternoon." "Does that work?" "That works for me." "All right, great." "See you then." "Bye." "Bye." "Don't let her lure you back into the web." "Get your shit, have some break-up sex, get the fuck out." "Got it?" "Or you could just get your stuff, choose not to be an asshole, and leave with a clean conscience." "Yeah, 'cause that's so much fun." "Don't forget your razor cartridges." "There were three left." "Death-- the only true break up." "Hug her for a long time." "You should lay your head in her lap." "You should just put his shit out on the yard and let the sprinklers run on it." "No, you should just be compassionate, you know?" "He's a sage in a commoner, a flower in a weed, a feast in, like, a crust of bread." "More like the weed in crust of bread." "Mm-hmm." "Maybe he wants to get back together." "Oh, and live happily ever after." "Yeah, not gonna happen, sweetie." "Sorry." "Hey." "Hey." "It's cold out." "It's a little chilly today." "A little bit." "So, look, I wanted to apologize." "For what?" "Well, for, uh..." "I don't think I handled the situation very well, so for that." "Yeah, that wasn't so great." "Yeah, I'm sorry for that." "It is what it is." "So this is it, huh?" "Yep." "That's it." "I thought there'd be more." "You ironed those for me, right?" "Yeah, put some extra starch in there." "Right." "Okay, so..." "I know." "Here, I got them." "I got them." "Thanks." "It might be heavy." "Ah, come on." "Okay." "Bye." "See you." "What just happened there?" "Come on, you couldn't help a sister out with a little break-up sex?" "It's 'cause he smells like that rite aid girl!" "That home wrecker!" "All right, shake it off." "Go get a cup of coffee." "How about that barista, man?" "She was smoking hot." "I bet you could hit that in two dates." "Dating is very expensive." "One date can set you back at least a buck fifty." "Look, relax, okay?" "I use the term "dating" very loosely." "Drinks at her place is free." "You know, you're walking away from the best thing that ever happened to you." "No, no, no, that's when you walk back to your hotel room after that threesome with the twins in Vegas." "Oh, man." "What happens in Vegas is just fucking awesome." "So I'm in my lexus and she comes to my window and asks me what I think, and I'm thinking to myself, what about me?" "Where do I fit into this thing?" "What's my role in all this?" "How does it concern me?" "And then she says to me, "you," you know, meaning me," ""are gonna be the lead on the project."" "So I really feel like I'm finally getting the recognition I deserve." "I mean, I was really the one who started it." "It was my idea." "So it was really kind of all about you." "Pretty much, yeah." "You ever ridden in a lexus?" "Yeah, my grandmother has one." "Yep, he's a douchebag." "But he's a sperm-doning douchebag." ""Me, me, me, me, me!"" "If I had known I was going to an opera," "I would've wore a fucking gown." "Maybe Dave will take us to a movie later." "Just be kind, 'cause everyone you meet's fighting a hard battle." "Dave." "Hey, Beth, what's up?" "Dave, help." "Can you come to the E.R., please, right away?" "It's Jeff." "Slow down." "Hey." "It's Jeff." "Please come to the E.R." "What are you talking about?" "He's gone." "He's gone." "What?" "Dave." "Hey." "Hey." "I'm so sorry." "Thanks for coming." "Give me a second." "You had a wife and two kids." "Why not me?" "He's still wearing his wedding band." "The thing must be worth at least a thousand." "You should tell someone." "Hey, his wife's pretty hot." "I think we got an opportunity here." "I'd wait a couple of days, though." "Don't wanna be disrespectful." "Did you ever consider killing yourself?" "You know, for the betterment of the universe." "No." "Man, I told you, this is how it goes down." "One minute you're out and about living your life, the next thing you know, a heart condition you didn't even know about kills you, you're lying in a cold box, dead as a mackerel." "I wonder what his last thought was before the light went out." "Probably his wife and two kids." "Rest in piece, my friend." "Rest in peace." "Hey." "Hey." "Can I just have a minute?" "Are you okay?" "Yeah, I'm holding up." "It's all a little weird still." "Surreal." "I'm starving, haven't eaten nothing all day." "That doesn't help." "You better eat." "You gotta take care of yourself." "You wanna go with me, huh?" "Somewhere local." "There's some great spots around here." "I can't." "I'm meeting a friend." "Yeah." "I really am sorry." "I'm good, I'm good." "Go." "Take care, buddy." "You know, there's no shame in sleeping with as many women as you can and then dying." "You should shoot for at least a hundred." "Anything less is kind of j.V." "You know that friend wasn't just a friend." "Life is like being a salmon." "It gets difficult upstream and sometimes you get eaten by bears." "I wonder when he last had sex before he died." "He was married, so I'm gonna go with six months." " You don't find it strange?" " Please." "Please." "Don't you think it's more intimate to hold hands than have sex?" "Shut up!" "Shut up!" "For the love of God, please!" "Please!" "Don't forget, rent's due on Tuesday." "God, it's 3:30 in the morning!" "You know, the whole concept of death is just really depressing." "You should start clipping coupons." "You're like a musician that only knows one song." "Carrie never paid a late fee, ever." "Fine." "Fine!" "You really should put a moratorium on dating girls born in the '70s." "I know you, so this is wasted breath, but it's not Carrie, it's you." "Don't do it." "Why?" "You're not ready." "You'll just do the same thing again." "Sorry if I look a little tired." "I just signed up for the klingon language institute and received my copy of conversational klingon." "I was up until 3:00 this morning studying." "I just couldn't put it down." "Little known fact-- klingon is actually the fastest growing language in the galaxy." "Are you a trekkie?" "Uh, no." "Do you want to be?" "Fuck no!" "Beam my ass up!" "So just so you know, I'm really not that interested in a second date here." "I mean, it's been fun, but, uh..." "I don't think that we're a good fit." "There's no chemistry, there's no oomph." "No, I agree." "I mean, we've been sitting here for three hours." "All we've done is laugh and talk." "It's been miserable, right?" "Miserable." "Mm-hmm." "Well, it was a pleasure meeting you." "I'm so sorry." "I wish I could say the same." "Come here, you." "What are you reading?" "Hmm?" "Oh, uh..." "Self-help." "At least I'm trying, right?" "I tried to help myself once." "Just didn't work out." "Good to know." "Good to know." "In America, a person dies every 13 minutes from an automobile accident." "Three people have died since we've been here." "Make that four." "I couldn't help but notice your shoes." "They're amazing." "Oh, thanks." "Yeah." "What other shoes do you have?" "Uh, you know, the normal, just usual shoes." "I'm sorry, can I see your shoe again?" "Yeah, yeah." "They're, um..." "Can I hold it for a second?" "Yeah." "Great." "So tell me about your family." "What are they like?" "Mom and dad, folks back home." "Uh..." "I come from a big family." "And, um, I have three brothers and a sister." "She's really close in age, so we were Irish twins." "Are you okay?" "Yeah, I'm fine, thanks." "Sure." "I have to go." "Okay." "I should get going." "Great." "It got late on me." "You're great." "My shoe." "In a strange way, that was kind of hot." "Ooh." "I can't believe I'm gonna say this, but we don not wanna have his babies." "Is he gonna bring it back like the prince in cinderella?" "Oh, honey, we don't want that shoe back." "I like shoes..." "And salami sandwiches with olives, no Mayo." "I'll deny this if ever asked, but I'm proud of you." "It seems to me that there is a pattern with you having great difficulty with commitment." "Really?" "You think?" "You've had difficulty committing to the women in your life, and that is likely to play out here in the therapeutic relationship." "So that's something we're gonna have to keep an eye out for, should you decide to continue with therapy." "If this turns out to be a regular occurrence, can we get a package-rate discount?" "Actually I think all my issues could be cured if we just had some sex." "You're kind of hot in an older gal sort of way." "So what do you say?" "Dust that thing off." "Let's get down to business." "I realize that we are just meeting for the first time today, but what I ask is that you go home and you think about this first session for at least 24 hours before you decide." "You can create change in your life." "But it's gonna take some time." "Okay." "Thank you." "Thank you." "God, you are so beautiful." "Thanks." "I've never felt this close to anybody so quickly." "Ten minutes is pretty quick." "I probably shouldn't even say this, but I'm already picturing us married with kids." "Wow." "That's funny, 'cause I was just picturing myself moving and changing my phone number." "Nice sense of humor, too." "But I'm serious." "I feel like I finally found you." "And I have been searching all these years." "I just can't believe that I get to look in your beautiful eyes." "Truth is, I'm married..." "To a very jealous hit man." "And I have four kids." "And I'm just Internet dating because I'm working on a book." "And this was very helpful." "I'm so sorry." "Good luck with your search." "Boys are stupid." "Are there any real men out there?" "I so desperately want to be loved and accepted." "Doesn't everybody?" "But the moment anybody tries to get close," "I freak out and I pull away." "You know?" "Well, every human being has a fear of being abandoned, and on the other side of the spectrum, of being engulfed." "It seems to me that you live your life on the extremes of the continuum." "So is there a desire to live your life more in the middle?" "Yeah, of course there is." "I mean, absolutely." "Well, if you want to live your life more in the middle, you're gonna have to learn to tolerate a great deal of uncomfortable feelings." "See, uncomfortable doesn't even begin to describe it." "It's not even close." "I don't think you get it." "I feel like it will kill me." "Does that make sense?" "Well, it may feel that way." "And while anxiety is the most uncomfortable human emotion, it will not kill you." "And over time, it will decrease." "Here's something for you." "I always kind of hoped that I would meet an amazing girl and fall in love..." "And that she would find out that she's got a terminal illness and that she's gonna die in three months." "You see, that way, I can give myself to her fully and completely without ever having the fear of commitment." "We all have a terminal illness." "It's called life." "You know, that really, really speaks to the terror that you feel around being intimate." "You have a choice, you know." "You can stay in this childhood state of fantasizing about this woman you're gonna meet and she's gonna die in three months, or you can grow yourself up, you can face your terror, and you can decide to make a commitment to someone" "long-term." "That's our time." "Got my master's and then I moved here for my job with tdi, and I'm still there." "It's not my dream job, but I don't hate it either." "It affords me a comfortable life." "Do you like L.A.?" "Yeah, I love it." "People complain about the traffic and the smog." "I say if you hate it, you should move, 'cause there's a lot to do here." "Have you ever gone to the Griffith observatory after a rainy day, looked out?" "I haven't." "You should take me sometime." "This was a fantastic choice." "Thank you." "We'll have to come here again." "It's one of my favorite places." "Here we go." "I'd love to see you again." "It would be nice." "You're not a trekkie, are you?" "No." "Are you?" "Uh, no, no, no." "I was just checking." "See you soon." "Okay." "That's what I'm talking about." "Let's get down to business." "You get yourself back to the gym, young lady, before he touches that ass." "He has a kind spirit, very, very loving." "He's so handsome and strong." "Why did he ask if we like L.A.?" "Is he moving soon?" "You're gonna drown in all this emotional bullshit, you know." "Starting to really kill my buzz." "They say drowning is the second worst way to die after being burned to death." "If you get back with Carrie, you won't be financially under water." "Get it?" "Yeah, I got it." "That's why I'm not laughing." "I thought it was cute." "It would not be cute if you were really drowning." "You gotta do it." "I don't want to." "You do it." "Just call her." "It's time." "Can't we just go for some lunch?" "Huh?" "I'll buy you some ice cream." "Now." "Banana split?" "You're not gonna let this go, are you?" "Nope." "All right." "Cedric, is this a good idea?" "Was sticky fingers released in '71 or '72?" "Uh, '71." "'71." "That's what I thought." "It's supposed to rain Thursday, right?" "I have no idea." "Pick a card, any card." "Two." "Yes!" "Okay, she's ready to put the past behind her and talk constructively." "Great." "You think you're a smart guy, don't you?" "Hmm?" "Okay." "Hello?" "Hey, mom." "Dave, honey, hi." "Yeah, yeah." "Hey, listen, you got some time to talk?" "Is there a problem?" "No, no, no, no, it's just, uh, it's just about some decisions you and dad made during my formative years." "Honey, there's someone on the other line." "I'll call you back." "You win some, you lose some." "Sue me." "There's this kid, mark Jenkins, he always tells me I'm the most beautiful girl in the world." "And I don't know if I believe him anymore." "I caught him flirting with another teacher today." "You are the most beautiful girl in the world." "Thank you." "That's sweet." "Mmm." "I was thinking, um, we should go to Santa Barbara on Saturday, stay the night, get away for the weekend." "That sounds great." "I could really use a break." "Want me to go online, get us a place?" "There's great deals to be had this time of year." "That's okay, I'll plan it." "Well, I'm not sure I trust you." "I can do it." "Okay." "I was maybe about six years old..." "And I just moved in with my dad." "You know what?" "I was really happy." "He seemed to really want me there." "All of a sudden, I was the center of someone else's world." "Boy, that felt good." "And after about a month, he enrolled me in a weeklong summer camp." "I remember when he dropped me off," "I was crying and crying for him not to leave." "For some reason, I thought he would never come back." "I guess he thought his kid would be fine the moment he left." "But I wasn't." "I cried that entire night." "Then the next day, my, uh, my mom, she came to visit." "And, uh..." "I begged her." "I mean, I truly..." "Begged her to take me with her." "It turns out she couldn't because of some custody thing, but my point is..." "She left me, too." "Well, that sounds like a very traumatic experience." "And I'm sure that at that time in your life you probably decided that it was really only truly safe to trust yourself." "But keep in mind that your parents did the best that they could do with the tools that the had." "They didn't do that on purpose." "Yeah, they did." "I'm sure of it." "Just to really screw me up later." "Thank you." "Coffee, please." "Merry Christmas." "Wow." "Merry Christmas." "Come here." "Man, it's good to see you." "You, too." "You look amazing." "Look at you." "Thank you." "You got time to sit down and join me?" "Sure." "I only got a minute." "That's all we need, right?" "So how about this?" "Hmm?" "You look strangely relaxed and calm." "No furrowed brow." "Yeah." "Where's the old Dave?" "You know, I decided to download an upgrade, as they say." "You're now looking at Dave 2.1." "Yeah, calm and, uh, not quite as neurotic." "Mm." "And, uh, it did come with a considerable penis extension, so that's a plus." "Mm-hmm, I would hope so." "It was a much needed upgrade." "Wow." "You went right there, huh?" "No holding back." "By the way, uh, now that you're here, you were right." "Wow, you have evolved." "I'm really liking this new Dave 2.1." "Yeah, don't push it." "I, uh, I got a financial advisor." "What?" "Wait, can you talk into my good ear?" "'Cause I think you just said, "I got-- a financial advisor, yeah." "And I'm in therapy twice a week." "Big move." "I'm proud of you." "Thanks, mom." "Yeah, I knew the moment that came out..." "Never mind." "You know what?" "I'm not proud and I don't care." "There she is." "Come here." "You got something." "Don't know what it is." "Sorry, it's just-- it's okay." "So, come on." "Tell me." "You uh-- you seeing somebody?" "You dating?" "You doing a thing?" "Yeah." "Good." "Good." "Of course you are." "I mean, it's-- you happy?" "Is it serious?" "Is it okay if we don't talk about it?" "Absolutely." "Of course." "It's too weird." "I get it, yeah." "You know, I was just-- no, no." "I really" " I have to go." "Oh, it's about that time, huh?" "Yeah." "It was good to see you." "Is that for me?" "Huh?" "You wish." "Okay." "It was nice to see you." "You too." "Thanks." "Say hi to your mom for me." "I will, thank you." "So which one do you want?" "Un-fucking-believable." "Here you have a nice, shiny apple right in front of you, and you're actually thinking of climbing to the top of the tree to pick a rotten one." "It's got potential." "And a cool shape and it's got character if you cut out the rotten spots." "Yeah, but it's still rotten." "Listen to the wind." "It'll reveal the song in your heart." "Girl, Zach's a nice guy." "Got to admit it." "Boring!" "Dave, Zach, Dave, Zach." "Dave, Zach." "Dave and Zach, sitting in a tree." "K-I-s-s-I-n-g." "First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the baby in the baby carriage." "Well, it was a pleasure meeting you." "I'm so sorry." "I wish I could say the same." "Come here, you." "You miss her, don't you?" "Thank you." "The only reason relationships end is when there's more bad than good." "Now if you're sure that this is the girl for you, you need to figure out how to create some more positive memories with her." "And you need to prove to her that you can provide the safety and the security that you were previously unable to provide." "But it's a gamble." "She may give you that opportunity." "She may not." "Okay." "This is how it's gonna be." "I now know what I want." "I'm gonna go get it." "So those of you who are with me, great, but those of you who are not, move out of my way." "Please." "You're a man." "You hunt, gather, barbeque and-- you really don't get it, do you?" "You talking to me?" "Yeah." "Look, I don't wanna be this neurotic 30-something anymore." "I don't wanna wake up in a cold sweat every time I think about monogamy." "I'm tired of it." "Truth is..." "I wanna love Carrie." "You understand?" "I wanna die with Carrie." "What's so wrong with that?" "You might as well just kill yourself right now." "Save yourself a whole lot of suffering." "You know what?" "You wanna settle into suburbia and watch your life disappear day by monotonous day?" "Go ahead." "But when you got three kids, a mortgage, and a nagging wife, you're feeling guilty because you've been banging your secretary, don't you come running to me." "Don't worry." "I won't." "What're you looking at?" "Decisions, decisions." "You know what, use the knife." "You'll die slowly and painfully that way." "I could strangle you so you have time to think about it." "Use the pills." "Less mess." "You did buy generic." "Is that a real gun?" "Can I play with it?" "You just pull that." "Thanks." "Could it be?" "A quiet mind finally." "An end to the senseless chatter?" "Well, here it is." "I know it doesn't look like much, but a few flowers, a little paint, which you'll help me with?" "Ha!" "I'll paint your nails." "I'm not painting your house." "Anyways, it'll fix up nice." "It's totally cute." "Let's go inside." "It's probably locked." "Doesn't hurt to check." "I know a window in the back we can get through." "Of course you do." "Ooh." "Guess it was meant to be." "So, I gotta go." "I have a thing." "Thank you." "Hey." "Hey." "What is this?" "What're you doing here?" "Oh, this whole thing?" "Yeah, I, uh." "I bought it." "You bought my house?" "Would you call it your house?" "Okay, let's get this clear here." "You first break my heart, and then you buy my house?" "I can see why you'd be mad." "But, just give me five minutes, willya?" "Come here." "Where do I start?" "I'm usually good at this." "Good in a room, you know?" "Mm-hmm." "I'm sorry." "Me breaking up with you, um, actually had absolutely nothing to do with you." "It had everything to do with me." "I wasn't fully invested in our relationship." "And part of me..." "Was scared to open up to you and truly commit." "And..." "My point is, you deserve better than that." "Sweetheart, I can only imagine what it must've been like to be on the other side." "It wasn't that much fun, actually." "But I learned a lot." "Good." "Good. 'Cause, me too." "I'm working really hard in therapy to understand my issues." "And, um..." "And, no, it's not gonna change overnight, but I wanna change." "I love you." "And I have missed you every day." "But I don't want to go another without you." "Call me crazy, but you were right." "Truth is, we're good together." "You know?" "It don't get any better than this." "Okay, everybody." "You can't be too sure about these things." "On my count." "One..." "Two..." "So leads me to my next point." "Um... yeah." "Aha!" "Don't... open that." "Wait!" "I kind of have to so you can see it." "I'm sorry." "Gonna make me a drink!" "Go fuck yourself." "Yes." "Yes!" "Oh!" "Oh, okay." "I have wanted to marry you." "I always have." "But..." "Just not right now." "You tuck that thing away somewhere safe." "And when the time's right, you pull it back out." "I'll jump into your arms and you can carry me up a threshold." "How do I know when the time is right?" "Because I'm not that smart." "You'll know." "Two proposals in two days, and you turn them both down?" "What's wrong with you?" "Yeah." "What's wrong with you?" "That's right, girl." "Don't you settle for some chump." "The universe is alive with the spirit of the moment." "Wait." "What about the rite aid girl?" "Man, I shouldn't have booked those plane tickets in north Dakota." "Well, you've lost some ground." "It's Hawaii now." "Really?" "We're still on the whole Hawaii thing?" "Mm-hmm." "Will you at least do a decent thing and move in with me?" "Huh?" "No." "Two nos in one day." "This is not good." "But later when you get my house key made, you can figure out what my decorating budget is." "Hmm." "Yeah." "Winning you back ain't gonna be cheap." "No, sir." "Should've thought about that when you broke up with me." "Yeah, I should." "Well, do you at least have a payment plan that makes it easier?" "Yes, there's a lifetime contract with variable interest and the early termination penalty is death." "Too strong a penalty." "It is." "It's risky." "Sign me up, blondie." "It's good." "Nice." "Oh, hey." "Um, sorry." "I just-- the other guy, the handsome, strapping fellow you were running around town with?" "Is he, uh--?" "He is a great guy, but he's not you." "See, now I feel bad for him." "No, you don't." "Mm." "You're right." "I don't." "We can have him over for dinner." "Um, okay." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Is- is he a better kisser than me would you say?" "Hmm." "All right, that's enough." "So..." "Do you like purple caterpillars?" "All right, ladies." "I know you've been waiting to see it." "And you've been good girls." "So daddy's finally gonna show it to you." "And they lived happily ever after."