"Pretty fancy prices here." "Yeah, well, just so we're clear," "I am picking up the tab tonight." "Okay." "This is my celebration." "I invited you." "Fine." "So don't go grabbing' the check." "I won't touch the check." "I mean, if you wanna leave the tip that would be alright." "I could do that." "I-I usually leave 15%, but if you wanna give 20, that's your call." "Thank you." "Unless you think it's easier if we just split the check." "Whatever." "Of course in, uh, in many families if someone is celebrating some good news his brother would insist on buying dinner." "Then why don't I do that." "But, uh, but I'll leave the tip." "One question..." "What?" "Do you have any money?" "No." "I, uh, I left my wallet at home." "You mean... this wallet?" "Oh good, you found it!" "I-I was looking all over." "So, uh, uh, where did we leave things?" "You're paying?" "We're splitting?" "Oh, just shut up!" "So anyway, what's this good news you're celebrating?" "It's a surprise." "I wanna wait till mom gets here." "Yes Jake, we see the spoon on your nose." "Now stop it!" "Can you do it?" "I don't wanna do it!" "Now behave yourself." "Oh!" "Work with me!" "Just wonderful!" "You pick a restaurant that has no valet." "I had to park 3 blocks away, and then schlep here in shoes that are not made for walking." "I've got a blister the size of a communion wafer and if mummy doesn't get something to drink immediatly, things are gonna get very ugly!" "Let the celebration begin!" "Maybe the lesson here mom is to buy shoes that are made for walking." "Is it just me?" "In a perfect world it would be." "Well, anyway, I'm here so what's your big announcement Alan?" "Jake!" "Get that spoon off your nose!" "You don't know where it's been." "It's been on my nose!" "You really must start looking at trade schools for the boy." "Now that we are all here..." "I-I have some good news to share." "Uh, this is not gonna be out on the news stands before a couple of days, but I have an advanced copy." "Good doctor, good neighbor, good guy." "Good God!" "Hey dad, you're famous." "Uh, well, not really." "Well, among the readers of the Tarzana Penny Saver maybe a little." "Don't forget the homeless people who make underpants out of it." "Charlie!" "Don't be disrespectful." "Thank you, mom." "So, how much advertising did you have to buy in exchange for this puff piece?" "Why do you assume that I had to buy advertising?" "I-Is it that hard to believe that a local newspaper might run a cover story about a-a successful local chiropractor?" "Well, frankly, yes." "Unless the local chiropractor shot 4 people to death in a mini-mart and then turned the weapon on himself." "You know," "I get why Charlie has never been able to acknowledge my accomplishments, he's a self-centered hedonist who can't get behind anyone unless they're drunk and bent over a pool table." "That's fair." "But my own mother!" "Yooooouuu're up!" "Refusing to even fane interest." "I did so fane interest!" "You assumed I-I had to buy advertising to get the article." "Well did you?" "Neighborhood advertising is a good investment." "But that is not the point." "Alright dear, what is the point?" "The point is that I can't even get a simple "Atta boy"" "from my own mother." "Oh, well..." "I'm sorry." "Atta boy." "Feel better?" "No, I do not feel better." "Did I not say it right?" "You know what... forget it." "Let's just order, eat and get out of here." "Oh, uh, one more of these and please keep 'em coming." "I'll buy the drinks." "U-unless you wanna split it with me." "Episode 3x10 Something salted and twisted" "Transcript :" "Abby_e" "Synchro :" "Relaxx" "Corrections :" "Bouliii + nColas" "An-an-and you know what else, you know what else?" "No Alan, what else?" "I cannot believe that our-our mother made us carry her to her car, just because she had a teenie-weenie little blister on her foot." "Well, hopefully the next time we have to carry her she'll be in a handy urn." "Oh, oh, I'll pay for the urn if you get the cremation." "Done." "Jake!" "Where's my son?" "Right here dad." "Oh, oh, good, good." "Uh, uh, now listen boy." "Your old dad is not going to be here for" "Is not going to be here forever." "And, and when I'm gone," "I want there to be no doubt in your mind that I was as proud as punch about all of your accomplishments." "No matter how minuscule." "Boy, you're really plowed aren't you?" "No." "Your daddy doesn't get plowed." "He just gets a little bzzz." "Bzzz." "Anyway, the-the important thing, for you to know, is how much I love you." "You told the waiter you loved him too." "He was a very good waiter." "And, it's also important for you to know, that you can be anything you want." "Anything in the world." "No I can't." "You're right, that's a crock." "But..." "I love you and you have cheeks like a beaver." "Now go to bed." "You know that we've been learning about alcohol abuse at school, and if you ever need a new liver you can have half of mine." "Hey hey hey hey." "I thought we had a deal." "Oh yeah." "Sorry dad." "Best 5 bucks I ever spent." "Now come on... let's tuck you into bed." "Wh-why can't my mother appreciate me?" "A-all I wanted was one sincere "Atta boy!"." "I-is that too much to ask?" "Atta boy!" "You know, that looks like the last of the scallops." "Now all we gotta do is wait for dessert." "Rainbow sherbet." "Oh, that should be pretty." "You know," "I have spent my entire life trying to please mom." "To make her proud of me, but no more." "I-I am done trying." "Good for you." "Oh, uh, excuse me." "No." "You know, if you put the seat down it's easier to rest your arms." "Oh, you're right." "You're a wise man Charlie Harper." "Well I do have a few pockets of specialized knowledge." "Some might call it wisdom." "And it seems warmer too." "It's further away from the cooling effect of the water." "Not to mention the residual body heat accrued from thousands of ass hours." "Wow!" "You've really given a lot of thought to this." "I'm thinking of writing a book." "And I will read it." "Thank you." "You know what I am, Charlie?" "Yes." "I am a pathological people pleaser." "Oh, I had an entirely different answer." "But-but more accurately," "I-I am a woman pleaser." "No Alan, I am a woman pleaser." "You're a lonely guy speckled with vomit." "No, I-I-I-I'm not speaking physically," "I-I'm speaking psycholo-psychologic-gically." "With-with-with mom, with-with Judith." "I-w-with every woman I've ever met." "I-I have twisted myself into knots just trying to-trying to get 'em to like me." "I mean my-my-my education, my-my job, my-my clothes." "My-my car, my-my very behavior... all chosen simply to get women to a-approve o-of me." "And how has that worked out for you?" "They don't approve of me." "But I am going to change, Charlie." "I am no longer going to grovel for mom's approval, or-or the approval of any, any woman." "I am going to live the remainder of my life with pride." "And-and a quiet noble dignity." "But first I'll sleep with my head in the crapper." "Can I make you some oatmeal?" "I got cereal." "I know." "I just thought you might enjoy something hot and quiet." "No." "Do you have a hangover?" "Yeah... drinking that much was a stupid thing to do." "Then why did you do it?" "I don't know Jake." "Maybe I'm just stupid." "Or, maybe you just don't apply yourself." "Can we stop talking for a while?" "Okay." "Although I do like a little conversation at breakfast." "Mornin' everybody." "Ssshh." "He's hungovered." "Oh yeah." "Well, isn't this an ironic turn of events?" "Me, waking up feeling all bright and chipper, and you... looking like a stool sample." "Not a big irony fan, huh?" "Charlie..." "Yeah?" "Either stop talking, or at least have the decency to kill me." "Boy, I'm never gonna drink." "Good job." "You scarred the kid for life." "Now he's gonna have to face Junior High sober." "Just-Just tell me one thing." "What's that?" "Did I really tell the waiter I loved him last night?" "You had to say something after a kiss like that." "God!" "I took care of your bathroom." "Thank you." "I hope you like the smell of pine-scented puke." "So, did I do anything else I'm gonna regret?" "Well, you paid for dinner." "Oh, geez!" "And after we got home, there was some drunken blubbering about how you weren't gonna grovel for the approval of women anymore." "Oh right." "I almost forgot." "I-I had a life changing epiphany last night." "Was this before or after you yacked up a hunk of your esophagus?" "No no, it-it's no joke." "I-I've reached a turning point." "From this day on, uh, my actions will no longer be predicated on pleasing the castrating mother figures in my life." "Wh-Wh-what's so funny?" "Nothing." "I think she doubts your epiphany." "She'll see." "They'll all see." "Starting now, I am a new Alan." "Oh damn!" "I think I wet myself." "Starting now, I will fear no woman's disapproval." "Oh God!" "That's Judith." "I was supposed to have Jake ready, she's gonna kill me!" "Okay, starting now." "Good for you." "Oh, I better get that." "Better wait." "What she thinks of you doesn't matter." "The only thing that counts is what you think of you." "You're right." "It's what I think of me." "Alan?" "I had so much potential." "Okay, forget what you think of you." "Yeah, I'm probably too close to me to see me clearly." "Yeah, that's it." "Oh, do I smell like vomit?" "Don't worry I'll stand next to you, she'll assume it's me." "Good, good." "Hi Alan." "Is Jake ready?" "No he is not." "You said you'd have him ready." "Well I don't." "And if that makes you unhappy with me, well, I don't give a rat's furry ass!" "What did you just say to me?" "Nothing, I'm sorry." "Jake!" "Starting now?" "Starting soon." "You know what that smell is?" "Epiphany for men." "So, how long you have been in Los Angeles?" "About 8 months." "I haven't got a single audition yet." "Yes, it can be a tough town when you don't know anybody." "So you got like a head shot or a resume?" "Is he ok?" "I don't know." "Sir, are you ok?" "I thought we came here to talk." "Not to each other!" "Alright let's talk." "What's bothering you?" "I changed my mind." "I don't wanna talk about it." "Talk or die!" "Alright." "I'm depressed." "I-I wanna change, but-but I can't." "Whenever I'm confronted by a disapproving woman, something inside me just crumbles." "Well, I don't know, maybe that's just..." "who you are." "You know, fish gotta swim, birds gotta fly, you gotta crumble." "What I don't understand is that I can intellectually see the problem, but I just can't do anything about it." "Oh, uh, excuse me miss, can I have more of these little pretzels please?" "In a minute!" "Okay, sorry, no hurry." "Look, it's very simple." "You were conditionned as a child to seek mom's approval." "You're still seeking mom's approval and you make every woman in the world a substitute mom." "B-but what about you?" "W-we had the same mother." "Well I handle my conditionning in a different way." "I have casual and often degrading sex with my substitue moms, but we're talking about you not me, so forget about that." "Oh, how I'll try." "But-but how do you deal with the fear of disapproval?" "I-I mean you must get shut down occasionally." "Occasionally?" "Constantly." "Constantly?" "Occasionally." "It's a numbers game, Alan." "We all want the shiny apple on top of the tree." "But, sometimes you gotta settle for one on a lower branch." "And of course there's times when you just gotta pick up whatever's lying on the ground and put it in your mouth." "But, how do you manage to keep going on in the face of constant rejection?" "Occasional rejection!" "Okay, lesson 1:" "look around." "Out of all the women here, which one do you find most attractive?" "Let's see, um..." "Her." "The brunette?" "Why?" "I don't know, there's just something about her." "Yeah, radiating waves of contempt." "Well you asked me who I found attractive." "That's true, that's true." "Alright, she's your shiny apple." "Go ask her if you can buy her a drink." "What about the radiating waves of contempt?" "That's just a defense mechanism for a little girl in a lot of pain." "Really?" "How the hell should I know?" "The point is, you can't let fear stand in your way." "Well I disagree." "Are you questioning my methods?" "Cause we can stop right now." "No, no I'll do it, I'll do it." "Would you like some more pretzels?" "Well I am in the mood for something salty and twisted." "You're terrible." "You have no idea." "How'd it go?" "She's really got a mouth on her." "So she rejected you..." "With anatomical specificity." "Good." "Good?" "H-How is that good?" "How do you feel right now?" "What do you mean how do I feel?" "I-I feel humiliated." "Where?" "What?" "Where is the humiliation?" "Where do you feel it?" "Well let's see... my stomach's all knotted, my heart is pounding," "I'm sweating like a pig." "Okay." "End of lesson 1." "That was lesson 1?" "Lesson 1 sucked." "Lesson 2:" "have a drink." "No, sweetheart, have a real drink." "I don't like scotch." "It's okay, it's bourbon." "Oh, alright." "More." "How do you feel now?" "Feel a little better." "Finish the drink." "Can I put some Diet Sprite in it?" "Just finish it!" "There you go." "Now, how do you feel?" "I feel pretty good." "Like, you know, to hell with her." "Who cares what she thinks?" "Perfect." "Now go ask that chick over there if you can buy her a drink." "Wait a minute, wait, that's your big secret?" "Alcohol?" "Ssshh, don't tell anybody." "Bu-bu-but isn't that just a temporary solution?" "It's only temporary if you stop drinking." "I like it!" "Diet Sprite!" "I gotta hand it to you Alan." "Most guys would be off scallops for a long time." "I like scallops." "Clearly they don't like you." "I guess you choose your seafood like you choose your women." "I beg to differ." "When it comes to women," "I make them sick." "Fair enough." "So, what else did we learn tonight?" "Now, let-let's see..." "I learned that-that to overcome my fear of rejection, engrained in me by an emotionally distant mother," "I need to completely disable my central nervous system with semi-lethal quantities of alcohol." "Bravo!" "Hey Charlie, you're comin' to bed or what?" "I'll be there in a second." "What are you looking at?" "Sorry, very sorry." "So, how 've you been?" "It worked." "I am totally humiliated and I don't care." "You made real progress tonight Alan." "I'm proud of ya." "Thanks Charlie." "You-You're a-you're a good teacher." "An-and a good brother." "Thanks." "Well," "I guess it's time for me to go work out my issues." "Good night pal." "Nighty night."