"Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the celebrity TV quiz, Shooting Stars!" "And introducing Team A, please welcome Martine McCutcheon." "Voluptuous, baby faced, flea-ridden, cockney tart, Martine, is a regular at Speaker's Corner." "Where, every Sunday, she attempts to convince people that the Dunkirk landings where made on power mowers, driven by wasps." "And joining Martine on Team A, please welcome Peter Stringfellow!" "Peter is well known and admired for his lustrous hair, prefect complexion, and his disco!" "Known around town as "Disco Dick - The Dick with The Disco"," "Peter dances like a little monkey, and then returns home at dawn, and cries himself to sleep on his Thomas the Tank engine lilo." "And joining Martine and Peter, please welcome the captain of Team A," "Mister Mark Lamarr!" "And introducing Team B, please welcome Rowland Rivron." "Sweet toothed children's entertainer Rowland, just can't resist sweets and puddings, gooey sponges, and chocolate Rice Krispie cakes." "Rollie pollie-Rowland, often get so fat, that he looks like a poxy pig, perched on a potty, in a pantry full of putrid pork pies." "And joining Rowland on Team B, please welcome Caryn Franklin." "Daunt, hollow-cheeked, loud-spaced Caryn, can't remember the last time she gave an honest day's work." "And that's because she can't remember anything, due to drink." "She did, however, remembered to turn up tonight, which is surprising, as she wasn't invited!" "And now, please welcome the captain of Team B:" "Miss Ulrika Jonsson!" "And finally, please welcome your hosts of this evening:" "Vic Reeves and Bob Mortimer!" "Welcome to Shooting Stars!" "Welcome whoever you are!" " The stars have been greeted..." " ...and successfully seated." "So come along, and let's start Shooting Stars!" "Yeah!" "Welcome to Shooting Stars!" "The celebrity..." "Look at that!" "Look at that!" "Stop it, Vic!" "Feel the steel!" "Yeah, go on!" "It's a bit more spongy, I'd say..." " You can't compete with concrete!" " Stop it!" " Vic, sit down!" " Bye-bye." "I'm sorry!" " Vic!" " What?" "!" " I'm sorry about that..." " I'm just saying hello to Martine!" "It's like having a great big bowl of dust, staring at you, ain't it?" "Leaning down on you." "Oh, God!" "He's..." "Yes, welcome, indeed to Shooting Stars!" "Welcome to Shooting Stars, the quiz where stars of yesteryear, congregate to compete in ask questions." "That's right, and without any further ado, lets meet the man with the scores, it's George Dawes!" "Get off!" "Get off!" "George Dawes." "He's just a great big baby!" "He's just a big bowl of baby-like fun!" "A great big bowl of fun, that's right, Vic." "Now..." "The rules of this quiz is quite simple, Rowland, if you're listening?" "There's an open round, individual rounds, and team rounds, and on the open rounds," " we really wanna see those fingers!" " Really wanna see those fingers!" " That's the fun of it..." " We really wanna see those fingers!" " We really do wanna see those fingers!" " We wanna see those fingers moving!" "And that's on the open rounds." "Now, during the course of the quiz, if you should hear this noise:" "Blimey, yes!" "Don't worry, it's just Ulrika's baby, trying to get out of his shoebox!" " D'you see?" " That's MY baby!" "Well, Ulrika's baby sleeps in a box, what about you Rowland?" "Um, I sleep down." " You sleep in the down position?" " Yeah." "Well, that's often wise." "What about you, Caryn?" "Blankets?" "Duvet?" " I was gonna say "duvet"." " Just a simple duvet?" "Well, no, actually, it's a bit of a Christian Lacroix duvet, really." "Have you had it over your head...?" " Peter!" " No..." "Peter Stringfellow, what do you sleep in, leather sheets?" " A leather water bed?" " A naked body, preferably somebody else's." " Oh, right!" " I can imagine that, leather sheet..." "Mirrors on the seating?" " Mirrors on the ceiling, on the ceiling, Vic." " Eh?" "On the ceiling as well?" "Well, that's a secret!" "What about you?" "You sleep in an Anderson shelter, do you?" "I refuse to talk to a man, dressed as an armchair." "It's 50's throwback Mark, there, with a bit of banter, which we always enjoy." " Yes, anyway..." " Says the man dressed as a deck chair!" "Oh!" "Very good!" "Very quick!" "D'you know what, Martine?" "I'm gonna call you "Martini", 'cause you're sweet and intoxicating!" " Oh, vomit!" " What?" "All right, Vic..." "Vic, you'll just frighten her!" " You'll frighten the..." " Can we just get on with the quiz, please?" "Yes, we certainly can, the first round is "True or False", true..." "Or false." "And the first question is for you, Caryn!" "True or false?" "Roger Moore's right eyebrow is ensured for one million dollars." "True or false?" "I'd say..." "I'd say, it's got to be false, really." " It is false!" " Yeah..." " It's not worth fifty, is it?" " No." "Well, well done." "Well done, indeed." " A question here for Martine." " Oh?" "Lovely Martine." "Eddie Murphy..." " Yes?" " Once had to remove two pounds of jewelry to get through an airport metal detector." "True or false?" "True or false?" "True." "True?" "It IS true!" "And, if you've ever wondered what two pounds of jewelry looks like...?" "Then take a look at this!" " Incredible!" " AND IT'S MINE!" "That's incredible." " Rowland." " Hello!" " Lovely, real Rowland." " Hello, sir!" "The ugly one out of "Bird of a Feather", is the niece of Charlie Drake." "YES!" "It's true!" "No, it's not, it's false!" "It's false!" "Oh, no!" "This happened to me with the Lottery as well!" " I can't believe it!" " I know!" " He's up, he's down..." " Peter!" " Which one's the ugly one, anyway, Rowland?" " Me!" "Peter!" "Here's your question, true or false?" "Clint Eastwood was sacked by Universal Studios for having and Adam's apple that was too prominent." "Are you sure it was the Adam's apple?" "OK, that is definitely..." "That is definitely the truth." " It is true!" " Well done, Peter!" "Martine?" "Do you think I look like Clint Eastwood?" "I think I look a bit like him, d'you think I look...?" " No." " "Make my day!"" " Yes, that..." " "Make my day!"" "Sound like him as well!" ""Make my day!"" "Stop it!" "Ridiculous, you just frighten her!" " Ulrika!" "Ul..." " "Make my day!"" "Vic, stop it with that!" "Uuuullllllllllll rikaaaaaaaaa!" "Keith Richards' face lines..." "Look at Peter, if you want to know what I mean?" "...face lines, are used..." "Are used by the rest of the Rolling Stones as a kind of map, when they are lost, or drunk." "For example:" "When they're on tour." "Come on, Ulrika!" "I think it's true!" " Oh, Ulrika!" "It's false!" " It's false!" "Why, you couldn't use a face as a map, that's crazy talk!" "Mark!" "True or false?" "Nick Berry's real name is Nick Raspberry." "False." " It is false!" " Well done, Mark!" "That's lovely, that's the end of the "True or False", let's go straight over to George and say:" "What are the scores, George Dawes?" "Yes!" "And the scores are these dudes:" "Mark Lamarr's team has 3 points, and Ulrika Jonsson's already lagging behind, because she's only got 1." "One point, you'd better pick it up, there Ulrika, yes, OK, Ulrika Jonsson," " yes, I see you there!" " One point." "You're sitting in the middle of the other two..." " One point, not two, but one..." " One point!" "Just the one point, not two points, one point!" "Right, let's move on now..." "To the clips round, yes, it's the clips round, where we show you a clip and ask you a question on the clip." "And the first on is for you, Mark." "Lovely, gorgeous Mark." "As it happens, I DO know of a flat." "Two bedrooms..." "Separate kitchen." "Bathroom. £2.50 a week." " 2 pound..." " That's not much, Mr. Fenning." "That's terrific!" "We'll take that!" "Hang on, hang on!" "There are drawbacks." "For one, it's right next door to a Chinese restaurant." "Oh, that's no problem." "I like Chinese food!" "And on the other side, is a Chinese laundry." "Oh, that would be handy for spilling my sweet and sour down my shirt, wouldn't it?" "Well, as long as you don't mind, Trotsky, all them Chinese, you know?" "No problem, it's terrific, great." "Where is it?" "Hong Kong." "There we are!" "That was a clip from Citizen Smith." "Could you tell me what was printed on Wolfie Smith's t-shirt?" "It's an observation question." "Something like that..." " Come on, Mark!" " I'm gonna have to press you." "Uh, "Come, the revolution", then." "I'm sorry, It was "Freedom for Tooting"." " Yes, it is a funny phrase, isn't it Peter?" " Very, very tricky." "It's nice to live in a flat." " Oh, I wish I where living in a flat." " Peter...?" "Do you most find it nice to live in a flat?" "You know, to be able to show blue movies, and stuff like that?" "Without your mum coming and knocking on the door?" "I believe, you've got also a Miller's, hand jewel-ed biscuit box for storing your johnnies in?" "Ask him a question." "Team B. Here's your clip." "Have a look at it." "Hey!" "You must be out of your tiny minds!" "When you cross the road, always use the Green Cross Code." "Great!" "See you, girls!" "Take it from me:" "Team B. Lovely Team B." "Can you tell..." "That was Alvin Stardust, there, but can you tell me which sit-com actress he was married to?" "Liza Goddard." "Is the correct answer!" "People often wonder what happened to Alvin Stardust." "But, if we just run that clip of it further, I think you'll get the answer to that query." "There he is, there!" "He's changed his name to John Stapleton..." "And has become a popular morning TV presenter." " Nice to see you doing so well, Ulrika." " Yeah." " I think you look great." " Yep." "That's the end of the clips round, that's the END of the clips round." " Should we ask George?" " What are the scores, George Dawes?" "Oh, so, you wanna know the scores, then, you fat cow?" "Well..." "I will tell you, exactly what they are." "One day in my life..." "Mark Lamarr's team have got 3 points, and Ulrika Jonsson's team have got 2 points." "Well done, Mark!" "Well, that's uh..." "Half time, so..." "I don't know about you, Vic, but I'm gonna have a packet of crisps." "Did you not bring any?" "Well, I'm just gonna..." "I think I'll just sit back and relax, and just take the weight of my feet..." "My feet are killing me, it's..." "I've got a terrible corn on my feet." "Not only that, but..." "I've got pins and needles in my leg." "Stop it, Vic." "We don't want to hear about your plums!" "But they..." "They fell off!" "Did they?" "You should keep them in a bag, like I do." "That's actually, simply, rude." " I've just about finished the last crisp." " Well, hurry up!" "And it's now the impressions round." "Yes!" "The round where myself and Mister Vic Reeves, seated here..." " How's it going?" " ...do impressions of popular personalities, and you have to guess who it is we're doing, as it where." " And we've got some spectacles..." " Now, this gives you the opportunity" " to use your buzzer, there." " Can I just test it?" " Ah, yeah!" " Test it if you like." "There you are!" " You didn't believe us, did you?" " No." "You see, Caren used her finger, there, and we'd really wanna see those fingers." " This round is an open round run." " Really wanna see those fingers!" "All these impressions are spectacle based." "Who..." "Is this?" ""Good evening." "Good evening."" ""Good evening."" "Lamarr!" "Is it Robin Day?" "It is, Mark!" "Thank you." "Who the hell is this?" ""So, I said to the producer..." "And he said:" "Ronnie..."" "Lamarr!" "Ronnie Corbett." "He's right!" "It's very good, isn't it?" "Who is this?" ""If you're one of those people, who likes to see a..."" "Lamarr!" "Denis Norden." "Yes, it is." "Wake up, you're not THAT bad, Mark, you're getting the lot of them." "Thank you." "Who is this?" "I need those ones for this one." "Who is this?" ""Oh, I say miss, beautiful perfume n'est ce pas?"" ""Oh, what a beautiful person, n'est ce pas?"" ""This perfume is beautiful, n'est ce pas?"" "No?" "It's Vic trying to do Yves Saint Laurent." "It is Yves Saint Laurent, well done!" "All good, Mark?" " It's not changing up with..." " So, who was it?" " Have you woken up?" " It was Yves Saint Laurent." " No, the kung-fu fight." " That's just general kung-fu." "OK, for the final of the impressions round, who are these singers?" "Proclaimers." "The Proclaimers." "Well done!" "That was DAMN good!" "Well, that's the end of our impressions, but let's now see," " which of our celebrities..." " Mark?" "What do you do for a living?" "Right, carry on..." "How do you admire the War Museum to represent the 50's?" "Ay?" "Oh, yeah?" "Oh, yeah?" "Ay?" "Oh, yeah?" "Come on!" "You don't want to do one, do you?" " I can't do a..." " Oh, hold on, don't worry about it, you look gorgeous as you are!" "Go on, there's one in you there, isn't there?" "Just bursting to get out?" "I can't do a vocal one, but I can do one with the face." "You might ask what it is, it might me terrible, but..." "I could just..." "Sit and look your face, all day." "You might not be able to..." "This is before..." "Right, and this is after." "It's a very funny one, I don't know..." " What is it?" " It is good!" "It's some sort of puppet?" " It's an animal!" "It's an animal." " Oh, an animal?" " Before and after what?" " A mouse?" " A pig?" " Hamster!" " A dog?" " Giraffe!" "Oh, Dumbo!" "Make him laugh!" " Gizmo!" " It's a..." "Monkey!" "Vic, a monkey!" "They're better then our team, can we swap team members now?" " I've got nothing." " I knew that was..." "No, it was excellent!" "Right, let's move on now, to the dove from above round." "Yes, it's time for us all to beckon the dove down from above, so if you could all coo, please?" "Let's get that dove down." "The beautiful, plump dove from above." "Now, you can see, printed on the dove from above," " categories of questions, there, right?" " He's right!" "Now, we're gonna ask you to choose a category, and we'll ask you a question on that subject." "Right?" "Now..." "Behind one of the categories is a special price." "And if you should choose that category, you'll hear this noise..." "Eranu!" "And if you should answer any question incorrectly, you'll hear this noise..." "Ovavu!" "So, for a special price, its..." "Eranu!" "And for an incorrect answer..." "Ovavu!" "So, that's all clear, and I'm gonna ask you, Caren to choose a category from that beautiful, plump dove." "Medicine, please." "Medicine!" " Mmm, nice choice." " Very nice choice." "What is the name of the hospital in which Charlie Fairhead works?" "Even YOU don't know that!" "Uh, well, I didn't until I..." "We're just going by my ability to read." "Hey, stop that, Ulrika!" "You know that this is a sail alone round." " You should know better!" " Yes, it is." " People interfere with peoples questionings." " Well, it's a fictitious program, but it's a fictitious hospital, but I can't remember." " You can't remember?" " It's "Casualty somewhere"," "I mean, isn't that good enough?" "Ovavu!" "Right, OK." "Peter?" "Could you select a category from the dove?" "Places." "Places, indeed." "Peter?" "Is it true, that you don't allow fat people at your club?" "Erm, no." "Not really FAT people," " only kind of, ugly people." " It IS true, isn't it?" "How do you think that makes Bob feel?" "You lion of the disco world!" "That's why I got the name "Dick" in the disco world." "Have you got a lion next to the bed, with mirrors on paws?" "I bet he has." "A thin lion." " A THIN lion?" " Of course." "A good looking one." "Lost me..." "Name three films that have a place name in the title." "Three what?" "Three films..." "No, no, she's quite right, I didn't hear that either." " Could you name, three films..." " Thank you." " Three films..." " FILMS!" "Films." "Fil-ms..." "That have a place name in the title." "Oh, God, OK..." "Um..." " Casablanca." " That's a good one." " One day in Paris." "Is that a film?" " Absolutely right, a movie about Paris." "I love London town." " Oh, my God!" " That's a song isn't it?" "No, there's a film called that!" " That's just a statement." " You've promised, Peter!" "I demand there's a film called "I love London town"!" " Are you sure?" " 1933." "I remember watching it." " Yes, we'll give you that one!" " Well done, Peter!" "Thank you very much." "Ulllllllllll rikaaaaaaaaaaaa!" "Choose a category." "That is tricky." "That's a tricky one, that is, ain't it?" "Can I have, um..." " Pairs, please?" " Pairs." " Pairs." " Pairs." "Or..." "No!" "Ulrika." "Don't be maverick." "Name three sets of celebrity twins." " THREE sets?" " Oh, yes." " THREE sets." " Oh, yes." "Three." "Goss Bros and Bros Goss." " Yeah, that's good." " Yes, that's a given." "Given." "Um, the Kemp brothers." " Well, they're not twins." " No, not twins." " They're brothers." " They're not twins!" "Uh, twins..." "Um..." "Just name some people that know each other!" "Do you hear, Ulrika, don't be tempted!" "Ovavu!" "Mark?" "Lovely 50's throwback, Mark Lamarr, will you please pick a category?" " From the dove." " Singles." " Singles!" " Singles." "There you are!" "Thank you." "Singles for you, Mark." "Name three celebrities that are so famous they only need one name, such as Madonna." "Shut it!" "Go on, then!" " Um, Prince." " Prince." "Actually, no." "It's the artist formerly known as Prince." "Unacceptable." "Ovavu!" "No, not quite "Ovavu", there's still a chance we could get..." ""Ov", then!" " The King." " The what?" " The King." " Elvis!" "Excuse me, this is not..." "Conferring, you're asking Mark!" "Oh, you're quite right in pointing that out, and I will act on you very wise words." " Peter!" "Don't confer with Mark." " I didn't, he asked me, he told me..." "Just comb those beautiful locks, and keep quiet!" "Continue thinking you're a monkey briefly, it's over to you, Mark." "Just you!" " Prince." " All right, Prince." "Elvis." "No, Elvis Presley." "Incorrect." " Ovavu!" " Ovavu!" "It's on to you!" " Cher." " Cher..." " Lulu." " Lulu." "Just "Lu"!" "Just "Lu"." " No." " Cilla!" "And Cilla." "Yes!" " Four right!" " They didn't need Cilla!" "Rowland!" "Rowland." "Let's see those real hands point to one of these categories." " That one!" " Which one's that?" "Future." "Future." "Eranu!" " Eranu, indeed!" " Already?" "Eranu, indeed!" "Well done, Mister Rivron, you have won tonight's Star Price!" "That's right, Rowland." "And tonight's..." "Well, it's not a Star Price, but it's a sort of..." "A gift, from us to you." "And it's these..." "You might think these are crab paste bottles, what they are, in fact, is with these two dowling sticks in, two eye rests, there..." "Which are used, and endorsed by the Red Onion's display team." "That's right!" "The Red Onion swear by them, Rowland." "There you are, to rest your eyes on." "Great!" "Beautiful." "Thank you very much!" "Don't feel obliged to use them now, but it'll be kind of nice!" " So, I'll just ease my way into these?" " Yes!" "OK, right now." "They'll come in use in your ditch..." "They actually work!" "Rowland, can I ask you to answer this question, whilst you rest your eyes?" " Sure!" " OK." "The Flintstones lived in pre-historic times." "Of course they did!" "Can you name the cartoon family who where there future equivalent?" "I don't." "Don't over relax, Rowland." "Come on, concentrate!" " We didn't understand..." " Jetsons!" "Jetsons is the correct answer!" "Leading us, finally to..." "Delicious Martine!" "Select a category." "I wonder, which one it's gonna be?" "I bet you'll pick a good one." "Oh, it'll have to be Occupations." "Occupations." "So, it's gonna be Occupations?" "It is Occupations, indeed." "Martine..." "Martine!" "Now..." "Ey?" "Have look at some stills here." "Take a look at your monitor." "That's a television, there, in the middle." "Now, can you tell me what is the connection between these three?" "Three people there." " It's Martine's question." " I don't know all the people." "Which one?" " The one on the..." " Danny Baker." "No!" "The one at the bottom." "That's Eric Carpenter." "Cybill Shepherd's on the top." " We know the answer!" "We just don't..." " I'll bet you do, yes!" "We KNOW the answer." "Come on!" "Come on!" "Come on, Martine." "You can do it!" "Go on, Martine!" "Go on, Martine!" " She's lingering, she's lingering." " Work!" "Is it all to do with, like, cooking and that sort of thing?" " Ovavu!" " I just told you the answer!" "Ovavu." " All right then, what's the answer?" " Here's your big chance!" "Their surnames are all occupations." " Correct!" " Ullllllllllllllll rikaaaaaaaaaaaa!" "Fantastic, Ulrika!" "Stealing those points!" "That's the end of the Dove from above, so let's go straight over to George and say, what are the scores, George Dawes?" "Hello, my fwend!" "And here, is what is the scores." "My fwend, Mark Lamarr, has 8 points." "And my other fwend, Ulrika Jonsson, has got 5 points." " No!" " And I thought you where in the lead!" "Right, well that takes us to the quick fire round..." "That's right, the quick fire round, and when the clock here..." " We don't know how much time we've got." " We just don't know!" "But, time will run out when you hear, this noise..." "That's right." "So let's get straight on with the quick fire round." "And it's on the buzzers, so we really want to see those fingers!" "We really wanna see those fingers!" "Please, let us see the fingers!" "What is the name of Blackadder's sidekick?" "Lamarr!" "Baldrick." "Who directed the film Bullets over Broadway?" "Lamarr." "Woody Allen." "Andy Bell and Vince Clarke are members of which vegetable family?" "The potato!" "Is the correct answer!" "Which 1980's film stars John Hurt as John Merrick?" " Franklin." " Elephant man." " What?" " Elephant man." "The elephant man, big headed bloke." "Name something other than a tomato that makes a nice, tasty salad." " Jonsson." " Cucumber." "No, it's lettuce." "You may be lucky with that one." "Anton Rodgers plays a solicitor who marries a younger woman in which comedy series?" "Jonsson!" " May to December." " Correct!" "Give me the name of a hairy dog." "Jonsson." "Goldie." "No, sorry." "I'm afraid it was Lassie." "Too late, sorry." "Who is the host of Stars in their eyes?" "Franklin." " Matthew Kelly." " It is!" "Which eccentric former English civil servant..." " George Dawes..." " What are the scores, finally?" "Oh, they're alive!" "And the scores are..." "Mark Lamarr..." "My good friend has 11 points, but the winners, this week, is Ulrika Jonsson's team with 12 points!" "Well done!" "Ullllllllllllllllllll rikaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" "Well done, indeed, Ulrika!" "As you know, no one goes home empty headed, oh no." "Because you've won, this week..." "Hmm, it's a very special price, these replica, reproduction" "Mark Lamarr hair styles!" "Each of you, gets one of these!" "Now you can be Mark Lamarr every day of the week, and not just on Sundays!" "Ulrika..." "You're the winners." "Now, those 12 points will convert to cash, so that's £12 safe in the bank, already." "Your baby's still safe, as far as I'm aware..." "Yeah, he sounds all right." "Now, Ulrika..." "We're gonna give you the chance to increase that £12 to £42, as you nominate one on your team to take the Lager-thon challenge." "Um..." "I think, it's going to have to be me." " Are you sure?" " Bob..." "OK!" "Up you come, Ulrika!" "The tasty Lager-thon challenge!" "Now, in a little bit, Ulrika, just round this corner, you'll find my colleague, Vic Reeves." " Hello!" " Hi!" " How are you?" " There's already a pint there, delicious." "Stand by the lager, Ulrika." "One pint of delicious lager." "We're gonna give you 30 seconds, to down that in one." "We'll put 30 seconds on the clock, once you've finished drinking, we'll see how many seconds are left on the clock, and we'll convert those seconds into pounds." "Fair enough." "Yeah, right." "The quicker you drink, the more you win." " Are you ready, Ulrika?" " I'm ready." "To down that pint in one, let's have that clock ready!" "And here's the Lager-thon challenge!" "Go on, Ulrika!" " And what was on the clock?" " 21!" "That's a total of £34 for you, Ulrika!" "Well done!" "£34!" "Come on, everybody!" "Good night!" "Come on, join your captain!" "Well done!" "Goodbye, from Shooting Stars!" "Goodbye, to all our stars!" "Come along and let's start Shooting Stars!"