"Oh, my God." "We're bad parents." "Ohh." "So we're done here, right?" "Oh!" "She's up." "Hi." "[Baby coos]" "I can actually see the emotional scars forming." "Mm-hmm." "Honey, we are definitely doing it tonight." "Okay?" "Yeah." "Although this is a lot of food." "Tomorrow?" "Tomorrow." "I'm home!" " Hey." " Hi." "Now the time has come for you to be mine." "What?" "Oh." "Mmm." "Oh." "Oh, man." "God, babe, I wish you'd given me a little heads-up." "Hmm?" "Well, it's just I thought you were working late tonight," " and I-I was here by myself..." " Oh, gosh." "Ugh." "Definitely tomorrow." "[Baby giggling]" "Hey, listen." "Mm." "Have I got a surprise for you." "I'm gonna give you a hint:" "It involves doing it, and our babysitter Patricia." "Wow." "No, no." "Patricia is gonna stay the night with Amy, while you and I go to the world famous Beverly Hilton Hotel." "For one night, just us." "No baby." "And I'amour." "Well, that's very sweet, babe, but you know what?" "I don't think I'm ready" " to leave Amy overnight." " I mean, neither am I." "But, honey, if we wait until we're ready, the child is gonna be in college, and you know what?" "Let's face it, you're probably gonna be dead." "This is gonna be hard on me too." "But we need this." "We need to recharge our batteries, honey." "All right." "I'm in." "But I'm not just some cheap floozy, so I need to be wined and dined." "And I want to be adored." "Oh, honey, you will be." "Okay." "I don't want to be objectified in front of Amy." "Sweetie, sweetie, sweetie, sweetie." " I mean, a little bit, I do." " Sweetie, sweetie, sweetie." "Keep the chit-chat with the chef to a minimum, because Chris and I are going to a hotel this evening," " and I wanna make sure" " Ava!" "Baby." "Come over to me here." " Oh, boy." " You know Julian Eskandani?" " Baby." " Oh." " What?" " Mmm." "Hello, Julian." "How are you?" "I just drank a Kombucha." "It changed my life." "How's my baby?" "Okay, the baby's actually going to stage right now." "I'm so sorry." "Excuse us." " It's very nice to see you." " Go, go, go." " 'Scuse me." " Yeah?" " We haven't met." " No, we haven't met." "I'm Julian." "Mwah." "You have a great body." "Mm, yeah." "Thank you." "Um..." "I'm--I'm Reagan." "I've actually been to your clubs before." "They're, uh, soul-suckin' skank fests." " Thank you." " Yeah?" "Shall we?" "Hmm." "You have smooth hair, you know?" " Okay." " I like it." "Thank you." " Mm, you are so soft." " Oh, my God." " Like..." "Cottonelle." " Psst!" "All right." "Excuse us." "Excuse us." "I'll, uh, I'll see you later." " Everybody goes." " Bye." " Both, everybody." " Bye." "Let's go." "Thank you." "Okay." " Ah." "Hello, Reagan." " Hi." "Hi." "Um, I guess I need to..." "Apologize for not mentioning that I was dating Julian." "I think that I knew you wouldn't approve." "Oh, Ava." "Don't know what to tell you." "[Phone playing tune]" "Sorry." "This is Julian." "Hello?" "Hi, Julian." "No, I-I don't think I can have num-nums tonight." "Yes, it's because I'm ty-ty." "[Nervous giggle]" "All right, well, I have to go." "[Laughing uproariously] Goodbye!" "I am sorry you're so ty-ty, honey." "I just really think that I'm tired of guys like Julian." "I really need to meet a normal, decent guy." "To have num-nums with?" "No one is sorrier that you had to hear that than I am." "All I do is interview diet gurus and people who write airport bestsellers." "I mean, it's powerful stuff, but..." "Doesn't give me the time to meet a regular Joe." "I mean, how did Oprah meet Stedman?" "[Scoffs] No one has that information." "[Phone chiming] Oh!" " Oh, darn it." " What?" "My babysitter has food poisoning and can't make it tonight." " Oh." " Oh, man." "It's probably just as well." "It's gonna be too hard to leave Amy anyway." "How long has it been since you said you and Chris have gotten it on?" "Six weeks?" "Six weeks?" "[Laughing] Try more like six hours!" "No, it's been six weeks." "[Gasps]" " I'll babysit Amy!" " You?" "For the first night in eight years," "I have absolutely no plans." "It's God's way of telling us that I should watch Amy." "I am a godsend." "Boy, Ava, I don't..." "It would mean so much to me." "Pweeze?" "Pweeze, pweeze?" "Sorry." "Once you start with the baby talk, it's hard to turn it off." " Okay..." " "Okay" is a yes!" " I'm babysitting Amy!" " "Okay" is just o-- this is gonna be great!" "Hey, honey." "Guess what?" "We have a sitter for the night, huh?" "Is it..." "Oh, that's awesome." "Ava." "Do you know how badly she wants to do this?" "She actually hired a private instructor" " to come and teach her baby CPR." " She did?" "Today at the office, yes." "And look..." "She's with us all the time, and she knows Amy's routine, so I just... we need this night away, babe." " I know it's crazy." " No, you're right." "We do." "It's just, I'm worried that if Ava's watching Amy, who's watching Ava?" "[Laughing] Oh, Chris." "You are too much." "[Baby cooing]" " Hmm." " [Chuckles]" "Okay, so these are..." "These are the brushes for Amy's bottles and stuff," " and these are the bottles." " Right." "Bottles." "Got it." "Very important." "This is a super-secret toy stash." "Just in case she has a real meltdown." "I notice you're doing a lot of whispering." "How much does she understand?" "Because..." "I have to make a phone call later to my investment bankers, and the language might get a little salty." "Those [Bleep] Are [Bleep] Me dry." "[Baby cooing]" "All right." "Okay, well, we have an emergency contact list here." "Doctors, neighbors, people like that." "Right." "Who is Kevin?" " Oh, he's a neighbor of ours." " Yeah." "He's really sweet, he has a daughter, he knows Amy really well," " and he recycles, so..." " Really?" "I noticed he's number one on the contact list." "It's funny, I don't see myself on this list." "That's because you're on a better list, honey." "In here." " Oh." " Yeah." " So obviously feel free to call..." " Yeah, anytime." "Oh, no." "I will definitely not call you guys." "And I am not calling Kevin, because I got all the answers." " Right here." " Okay." "And in here." "Doctor Internet." " Hmm." " You guys go." "Go, be free." "All right, my sweet little girl." "I love you so much." "I'm gonna miss you, okay?" "Oh, God." "Okay." "Now the guilt's setting in." "♪ The cat's in the cradle ♪" "♪ and the silver spoon ♪ All right, go." " I'm forcing you." " I love you so much." "Bye, sweet girl." "I love you too, Chris." "Aw, band-aid moment." "You kids have fun." "Mwah." "Wow, we're really doing this, huh?" " Feels good, right?" " Right?" "We are having some adult fun, is what we're doing." "[Baby crying] Look at those people, having less adult fun than us." "Hey, keep your kid quiet over there!" "We... we can say that because we're free." "[Phone chiming] Exactly." " Just got a text from Ava." " Oh, yeah?" "What?" ""Where does Amy usually like to hide?"" "What?" "Oh, my God." "Get the car." "Get the car, we're going, we're going." "I need my car." "Hey, I'll take this." "This'll be fine." "[Phone chiming]" " Sorry, I'm gonna need this." " Wai-wai-wait, wait." ""Never mind." "Found her." "Lol." "Winky-face."" "That is not the emoticon I'm feeling right now." "Honey, look, we just gotta..." "We gotta just push through this." "Okay?" "It's gonna be great." " I almost just carjacked a guy!" " I know." "[Giggling] All right, there's people." " Hi." " Checking in?" "No, we are not here with the homecoming crowd." "We look young, we get it." "So we're gonna need a very private room." "You know, some thick walls." "'Cause, uh... it might get loud up in there." "Something at the end of the hallway where you... where you keep your serious playas." "I'm sure he had us pegged from the beginning, baby." "Right, Neil?" " Not really, no." " Okay." "We need your party room." "You know, the one that you don't renovate because that's where you put Guns N' Roses." " Do not disturb, right, baby?" " That's right." "Unless there's a real emergency, in which case, do disturb, all hours." "You guys parents?" "Yeah." " First night away?" " Yeah." " I'll get your keys." " Okay, thanks." "You want a mini-bar key?" "Only if you don't have a maxi-bar." "[Both snickering]" " We're back in!" " See the things I do!" "[Sniffing the air]" "Wait, is that..." "Yep, someone is having a barbeque." "Damn, it feels good to be normal." "Hi, Amy." "Stop." "I don't know you." "Stranger, danger." "Sorry, I'm friends with Reagan and Chris." "I see Amy every day." "We even have a thing we do." "Gimme some skin." "Amy, do not give him skin." "See?" "Amy's down." "But I commend you on sensing how dangerous I am." "You know, most people see the dockers and the fleece, and they don't realize that I'm actually a trained assassin." "These dad shoes are bulletproof, right, honey?" "[Snickers]" "I'm Kevin." "This is McKenna." " Hi." " You're Kevin?" "Mr. Big shot?" "Mr. Number one on the contact list?" "Well, I don't want to toot my own horn, but my name is at the top of literally dozens of contact lists." "I'm solid as a rock, baby." "Pop quiz:" "What's a homeopathic remedy for colic?" "Gripe water." "What's a normal infant body temperature?" "Oh, 97 to 100.4." " Damn it." " Yeah." "When were you last certified in baby C.P.R.?" "I teach baby C.P.R." "And I was certified today!" "So, uh!" "In your face, Kevin." "Boom!" "Sorry you had to see that, young lady." "That was rough stuff." "Looks like you've grown that man-scruff to hide your shame." "Wait, babe." "Wanna grab a drink at the bar first or something?" "No, let's get upstairs and get down to business." " Right now?" "We just got here." " Well, yeah." "I... but I just feel I-if we wait longer, we're just gonna be tired and bloated." "It just makes more sense to get it out of the way." "Out of the way?" "Hang on." "I'm not just some..." "I am just a piece of meat." "But still, come on." "You're right." "I'm sorry." "You need to be romanced, don't you?" " Little bit." " Okay, let's go get a drink." "You know what?" "Let's go do something different." " Let's go dancing." " Yes, let's totally do that." "I'll ask the concierge if there's, like, a nightclub or..." "You know what?" "Chris?" "You're, like, the prettiest boy in the entire school," " ohh." " And I would be really honored if you would go to the homecoming dance with me." "You know, I've never been to a homecoming dance." "I, like, totally wanna say yes, but I have so many other suitors." " I put out." " And you are my favorite." "[Laughs]" "[Hip-hop playing]" "♪ ♪" "Well, Mr. Tambonie," "I think we need to keep our eye on these horned-up kids." "Yes, you're right, Mrs..." "Chuldratch." "No teen pregnancies tonight," " not on our watch." " No." " Not tonight." " Come on." "Oh!" "Okay." "Break it up, you two." "Just a little friendly advice from your dance chaperones." "[Ballad playing]" "Ohh." "♪ Take my hand ♪" "♪ I'll teach you to dance ♪" "♪ I'll spin you around ♪" "♪ won't let you fall down ♪" "♪ would you let me lean ♪" "Whew." "That's my girl." "Wanna take a nice bath?" "Let me just unbuckle you." "Don't panic, Amy." "We got this, ready?" "One, two..." "Uhh!" "Okay..." "What now?" "Really?" "Nothing?" "I was worried that might be your response." "You know, that's really unhelpful." "No offense." "I'm not gonna call your parents over a stuck seatbelt, because I think we can all agree I'm doing a pretty amazing job." "Okay." "Looks like you've just got some dried food stuck in here." " Oh, really?" " It's like glue." "[Grunts]" "There you go." "Amy, you're free!" "Thank you." "Just gonna go put these tools back in the garage, and, uh, write up your invoice." "Do I make it out to you, or your people?" "Don't gloat, Kevin." "It's very unbecoming." "Okay, bugaboo." "Let's put you down." "So, McKenna." "Let's get down to brass tacks." "I haven't heard a mother mentioned." "What's the 411?" " They're divorced." " Really?" "I'm so sorry about your broken home." "It's better." "They were fighting." "Yeah." "Is it 'cause he likes boys?" " [Laughs] No." " Really?" "Again, I know this must be so difficult." "So... does he have a girlfriend," " or..." " No." "Not that he isn't highly in demand, he's just got a lot going on." "We were just talking about my investments." "So what is a euro?" "McKenna and I were gonna order pizza tonight." "You want in?" "Oh, I don't know." "Come on." "You owe me for saving Amy's life." "She would've grown up in that chair." " I-I probably shouldn't." " Ah, that's okay." "You're probably used to something a little more swank." "Oh, no." "It's just that I had pizza for lunch today." "And last night." "And for breakfast this morning." " Wow." " Yeah." "I can't believe that this is your first high school dance." "Well, maybe if someone like you would've asked me." "You would've said yes?" "No." "I would've given you the finger." "But I would've regretted it." "I would've." "Then maybe that summer we would've run into each other at tower records, and made out in the parking lot." " Like this?" " Oh." "Mmm!" "Wait, did I just change the way you feel about high school dances?" "Well... no." "But..." "I like you." "Mmm." " Hey." " Huh?" "Should I request our song?" "Yes." "[Beastie Boy's Sabotage]" "♪ Can't stand it, I know you planned it ♪" "♪ I'm-a set it straight, this Watergate ♪" "♪ I can't stand rockin' with a Thorn in my side ♪" "♪ oh, my God, it's a mirage ♪" "♪ I'm tellin' y'all, it's sabotage ♪" "Oh!" "Oh, my God." "This..." "Wait, honey, did you call for the romance package?" " Yeah, did you?" " Yes, I did." "Wait, so we both ordered the romance pack..." "Well, there's no way, I'm not gonna pay for both of these." "Okay, you know what?" "This is not the time to be cheap in a cheap way." " All right." " It's time to be cheap" " in a tawdry way." " Oh, my God." "Are you ready..." "For this?" " Wow, really?" " Oh, yeah." "That goes on my thigh." " Oh, yeah." " Yeah." " Sniff on that." " Oh, my gosh." " And how about this?" " What?" "[Humming stripper music]" "[Laughing] Oh ho." "Oh." "It's Amy's sock." "I know." " So teeny tiny." " I know." "I know, why is it so cute when it's just all by itself?" "Wonder what she's doing?" "She's probably having sweet potatoes." "God, she loves sweet potatoes." " She really does." " And then they get all up on her face... no, no, no." "Okay." "No, no." "We have to fight this." "Uh, spin the nightie around again." "[Both humming]" "Oh, God." "Sock kind of killed it, honey." "I'm sorry." "So sorry." "Okay, you know what?" "We just gotta do something sexy." "Right now." "I don't know about this chocolate massage, babe." " It's kind of weird." " No, this is sexy." "This is very sexy." "I'm sorry, I just, I can't get Amy's sock out of my mind." "Just let me call Ava real quick." "I'm sorry." "Okay, okay." "That's fine." "One call." " One call, though." " Okay." "[Phone ringing]" "All right, well, they're not picking up." " What?" " I don't know, she's not-- what do you mean, she's not picking up?" "She's never not on her phone." " It's probably fine, I'm sure-- - fine?" "Fine?" "You know where they cannot use a phone?" "A hospital, Chris." "A hospital." "Because of x-rays and pacemakers and stuff like that, and, oh, my God, get this crap off of me!" "We gotta go!" "We gotta go right now." "At least her car's here, right?" "So..." "Okay, that's great." "Why aren't we going in the front door?" "Shh!" "Because I don't want her to know that we don't trust her." "Okay?" "It'll hurt her so much." "Shh, quiet." "I can't believe we got both kids to go to sleep." "[Gasps]" "That song you sang was beautiful." "Oh, thanks." "It was my number three hit." "I slowed it down and took out the stuff about backing up my Booty." "Kind of strange, though, that you left in all those sm references, though." " Is that Kevin?" " It's totally Kevin." "Looks like they have it under control, so..." "They both seem pretty calm, don't they?" "Uh, yeah, because they're flirting." "So should we, uh, make some coffee?" "Sure." "Or we could get a glass of wine." "Sure." "You get it, playa." "Where are they going?" "No, no, no." "We need to see more flirting." "All right, they're going in the kitchen." " All right, let's to the back." " Let's go around." "Sweetie, really?" "So, Kevin, tell me about your fencing business." "[Whispering] Okay, there they are." "Oh, it's actually a fencing..." "Construction fencing." " Oh, sorry." " Yeah, you know..." " Like plywood, chain-link..." " Sure." " You do that?" " Yeah." " Fun, right?" " Yeah." "Fun." "You know what?" "I was actually thinking about getting a peacock." "So I was just wondering what kind of fencing you would suggest for that." "Galvanized chain-link, you know." "Delicate, almost a mesh." "Perfect for protection and display." " Mesh." " Yeah." " He's gonna kiss her." " Kiss her." " Kiss her, kiss her, kiss her." " Do it, do it." "Come on, come on, come on, come on!" "Ohh!" " Darn it." " No coming back from that." "He totally pooched it." "[Both clear their throats]" "Mmm!" "Hmm." "Yeah, it's, um..." "It's..." " [Gasps]" " Oh, oh!" "Is that an intruder?" "Go, go, go!" "Not while mama bear is on duty." "Kevin, do you have a gun?" " Yes." " Yes?" "No." "Shh, shh, shh." "Hey!" "I have got a glock in my purse, and superb night vision!" "That is a babysitter!" "Yeah, but she might have a gun in her purse." "So don't move, shh." "[Laughs]" " I think it's all right now." " Yeah." "Aw, it's so sweet." "Do you remember our first kiss, honey?" "Yeah." "We were drunk, um, on the balcony at the beacon," " watching tenacious d." " Yep, and you kissed me." "I wasn't that great, though." "My angle was kind of bad, and I had a mouth full of cinnaburst." " Remember?" " No, honey." "You were perfect." "But it wasn't as romantic as this." "Just the two of us." "Under the stars." " In a bush." " Hmm." "Do you wanna have a first kiss do-over?" "I'll do you over." "Ew, gross." "Wow, I totally nailed that." "You did." "Take me to the hotel now." " Immediately." " Go." "Ohh." "That was amazing." "Oh, my God." "Oh, God, I've never felt this good in my entire life." "Mm." "It was mind-blowing." "It's been so long." "I know." "Eight hours of non-stop, uninterrupted sleep." "Last time that we slept in like this was years ago." "I know." "Hey, the sex was good too, babe." "It was." "Nice work, champ." "[Chuckles]" "High-five." " You are too much." " And thank you for that club hookup!" "You know, the last time I had that much fun, there was a mound of cocaine in front of me." "[Both laugh]" "Just like my papa." "Okay." "You go crazy." "I'll call you back." " Ava." "Princess." " Julian." "I brought you a gift." "Oh, that's... very sweet." "Oh, look." "Another belly chain." "How thoughtful." "I love it when there's a sparkle in your navel." "It's like a little firefly lost in the night sky." "Get back into my life." "Kiss, kiss, huh?" "Julian..." "I have a question for you." "What would you keep a peacock in?" "My darling, I would set it free, and then make love to you in front of it." "The answer is galvanized chain-link with mesh." "Get out of my life." "Lose the jewelry and lose my phone number." "Hello, beautiful." "I bought you a gift." "You ever been inside a Lamborghini?" "It's like a sex dragon, hmm?"