"Ok, you ready?" "My top three choices for baby names." "If it's a boy:" "Caleb, Elijah, and Jonah." "Great." "You have any choices that were popular after Noah built the ark?" "Ooh, Noah." "Ok." "Now, don't worry." "If you wanna go more modern, I also have Louis, Erik, and Sebastian." "And for girls, I've got Vanessa, Ursula, and Ariel." "They're good, right?" "Yeah." "They're also characters from The Little Mermaid." "What?" "I'm surprised you didn't put down Flounder and Scuttle." "We're gonna make a baby!" "I know!" "But don't forget what we talked about last night." "We're not gonna tell anyone about this baby until I'm actually pregnant." "Well, what about our friends?" "No." "No." "Our friends will just make stupid comments and have stupid opinions." "That's a little unfair." "Are there any Hobbits left in America?" "I take it back." "That's totally fair." "'Cause I was up all night thinking about what my new calling in life should be." "There's been quite a void since I abandoned my acting career." "I thought your acting career was the void." "I just need something." "Like a--like a new direction." "That way." "Ok, I'm late for work." "Look, uh, I made you a nice lunch." "Don't forget your juice-box for the gym, and just lock up after you steal things." "Hey." "What's going on with you?" "What do you mean?" "You're all pinched and clinched, like a man with a secret." "Nothing, I j" "Well, I do have kind of huge news, but I promised Grace I would not tell." "Come on!" "What is it?" "!" "Please?" "!" "I can't." "Grace is gonna honor her promise, and I must do the same." "You two are having a baby?" "!" "Isn't it incredible?" "Oh, honey, it really is." "And you know, with everything that's been going on with me lately," "Stan staying in prison, me all alone in a house with 16 servants, most of whom don't even jump anymore when I shoot at their feet..." "Well, your news really gives me something to smile about." "Karen, it's so good to see you smile." "Hell, it's good to see you exhibit any human attribute." "Wow." "So you and Will are having a baby." "Ok, now, before you start judging and saying things like," ""he's gay," and, "that's weird," and, "you're so flat that Will's gonna have to breast feed..."" "you should know that we are very serious about this." "Well, of course you are." "Breast feed." "I'm funny..." "So, where is this baby going to live?" "Well, you know, in my office, in a file folder." "Under "O" for offspring." "Here with us!" "What do you think?" "Well, isn't that all cozy." "One big happy family." "What's wrong with you?" "Is this because I'm gay?" "You feel you failed somehow, and now you need to get a new baby and start all over again?" "I'm gay." "And you're not my baby." "It's just--it's just..." "It's just that this new baby is gonna come, and he's gonna be cuter than I am, and younger than I am, and he's gonna have a better job than I do..." "Well, sure." "But we'll still love you." "I don't know." "It all sounds kinda crazy." "We'll still pay for you." "Yay, we're having a baby!" "Yeah, I thought so..." "Ok, now, remember, Karen." "Not a word about..." "Oh." "John Goodman." "Yes, Karen." "John Goodman." "Also try to avoid the subject of baby." "Hello." "Hi, kid." "How's the wife?" "Same old, same old." "I mean, I bust my hump 14 hours a day." "Is it too much to ask to have dinner waiting for me on the table when I get home?" "Yeah." "You should get rid of her." "I hear she sleeps around." "Ok, guys." "Dinner's ready." "What?" "We'll make popcorn later, watch "Buffy." That's fine." "No!" "Don't tell Karen and Grace I told you about the baby." "The baby." "I got you." "Yes, of course." "This looks so great!" "Thanks." "How about a toast?" "Hmm?" "To Will and Grace's baby!" "I can't believe you told her!" "I can't believe you told him!" "He doesn't count; he doesn't listen." "She doesn't count; she's always buzzed." "Hey!" "Hey!" "Hey!" "Hey, come on, now!" "Where are we?" "I'm sorry, what?" "Kids." "Kids." "Come on, it doesn't matter." "You two are having a baby, and, well..." "We think it's wonderful." "Thank you." "I do ask that after you have completed the act of making sweet, sweet love that you get Will a one-way ticket back to Homoville before he gets too comfortable in 'Gina Heights." "We are not having sex." "Of course not." "What?" "Why not?" "Because we..." "Um, hold on." "Jack?" "Totally, yes." "Jack." "Elliot?" "Oh, yes." "Of course." "Elliot, yeah." "Um, listen." "You can't be here right now." "We're about to have a very serious conversation that isn't appropriate for a child your age." "Well, can I listen at the door?" "Yeah, I think that'll be fine." "Thank you." "Guys, nobody will be having any sex." "Sorry, Grace." "What?" "!" "That better be a joke." "Well, once upon a time you were attracted to me." "Yeah, a thousand years ago." "Before I saw you pluck your eyebrows and go to bed with moisturizing gloves." "If anything, you're the one who wants to have sex with me." "What?" "!" "I see the way you look at me when I shave my legs." "Well, that's because it happens so infrequently, I have to take a minute to figure out what you're doing." "Ooh, that was low." "She should say something about his fat chin." "Ok." "Ok." "Ok." "Ok." "Let's stop this." "Will, I don't want to sleep with you." "Well, I don't wanna sleep with you, either." "So I guess we'll be doing, what, insemination." "Works for me." "Ok, you guys." "You know, ok." "Just don't say it so casually, ok?" "Do you even know what insemination involves?" "Of course." "Yes, thank you." "No, not really." "Not exactly." "Well, do you know?" "Uh, hello?" "!" "His own son was the result of insemination." "So if anyone knows, I think I do." "Elliot!" "Insemination." "The guy goes to this lab, where he deposits his sperm, then the doctor puts it into this machine that spins it around to get the best sample." "The woman goes to another place, where her doctor waits for the sample to arrive from the lab." "Then the doctor inserts the sample with a syringe, and, hopefully, that results in fertilization." "Wow." "I know." "So clinical." "So impersonal." "I know." "It sounds perfect." "Yeah." "And I don't have to shave my legs." "You know, the female reproductive system is so amazing." "It's a miracle, really." "So complex." "So beautiful." "Yow!" "What is that thing?" "!" "God!" "It looks like the bad guy in a science fiction movie." "Oh, please." "Like your stuff looks like a box full of kittens?" "It don't." "Excuse me." "Mr. Truman?" "Yes." "We need to talk about your sperm." "I knew it." "It's the Jacuzzi at the gym." "He boiled them, didn't he?" "No." "Actually, it's chowder." "Thank you." "You see, Grace?" "It's chowder." "That's good, right?" "No." "It's actual chowder." "Corn chowder." "Smells good." "Peppery." "Not gonna do you any good." "What are you" "Oh, my God, I grabbed the wrong bag." "This is Jack's lunch." "Jack has our baby juice?" "Look, don't worry." "I'm sure Jack is smart enough-- I better get down to Barney's right away." "Hurry." "Save little Sheila." "No." "We talked about that." "No Sheila." "Sheila's a whore's name." "You know, he's right." "Sheila is kind of whorey, don't you think?" "We haven't met." "Hi, I'm Sheila." "I am so sorry, I just--I--I..." "Oh, don't apologize." "I am a whore." "Terry, you gotta help me." "I gotta find my calling." "What do you think my new career should be?" "Well, what are you looking for?" "I don't know." "Something that speaks to my interests, you know?" "Hot fashion, hot guys, hot clothes, hot pants." "Anything hot." "Well, uh, how about this job?" "What are you trying to tell me, huh?" "That what I've been hungering for this whole time has been right in front of my face?" "It is right here." "If it were a snake, it would have bit me." "Terry, you're a genius!" "Thank you." "If we were both women, I'd marry ya." "Oh, from now on, I'm gonna dedicate my whole life to retail." "But first, I'm gonna have a nice, hot cup of soup." "Freeze!" "What?" "Don't!" "What?" "You've got my sperm." "Come again?" "We must have switched bags this morning." "Here's your soup, and I'll take my-- Tequila." "Wait!" "What?" "Don't!" "Why?" "You have Will's sperm!" "Oh, dear lord!" "Where?" "!" "Ooh!" "Oh!" "In this bag." "Please tell me that you didn't drink your lunch yet." "Honey, I just got done drinking breakfast." "You gotta give the liver a little time to digest." "Oh, thank God." "Finally, I have what I need to make my baby...." "Mop n' Glo." "Rosario, it's Will!" "Look, I think your floor wax got mixed up with my..." "Be careful." "The floor is very sticky." "Oh!" "Oh!" "I know." "I guess were not gonna be able to do this today." "Oh!" "I'm so disappointed." "I was all ready to... leggo of my eggo." "Meet me back at the apartment." "We'll talk about it." "All right." "I'll be there as soon as I can." "Grace, quit stealing medical supplies and get out of there." "You don't know me." "Ah, Smitty." "I'm having a little hubby trouble." "How about cheering me up with one of your jokes?" "I'm afraid I'm not in much of a joking mood." "You see, my wife died Christmas, and I just haven't been myself since." "Ah, Smitty." "You always know just what to say." "You have a very delightful chuckle." "Oh, thank you." "They're real, too." "Lionel Banks." "Lionel, like the train." "Banks, like money." "And you are?" "Anastasia Beaverhousen." "Anastasia, like Russian royalty." "Beaverhousen, like... where the beaver live." "Dynamite." "What brings you to this lush paradise, Miss Beaver...housen?" "Oh..." "I don't know, really." "Just killing time, I suppose." "Waiting for something good to happen." "Interesting." "I was just doing the same thing." "Looks like my wait is over." "Well, well." "Where did you come from, Lionel?" "Did the Smooth-Talking Gigolo Convention let out early?" "Listen, why don't we continue this in my very comfortable suite upstairs?" "I've got loads of cash, so time is no issue." "Mr. Banks, you think I'm a hooker?" "!" "That body, those clothes, that voice?" "Yes." "Well..." "As flattered as I am by that, I'm afraid I have to disappoint you." "You don't have sex for money?" "No, I do not!" "For jewels, for furs, for mixed securities, like a lady!" "But for money?" "How dare you?" "!" "A thousand apologies." "I don't suppose there's any way you might forgive me for my highly inappropriate gaffe and allow me to buy you a drink?" "Well... that's very kind of you, Mr. Banks, but" "I don't think that's such a good idea." "Is there a problem, my sweet?" "You're not married, are you?" "Well, as a matter of fact... no, I'm not." "This is so depressing." "I was so sure that by the end of the day today, I would be with child." "Instead, I'm just with doughnut." "Well, you're still ovulating, right?" "Well, first thing tomorrow, we'll go down to the sperm bank, we'll start all over again." "Oh, gosh." "There's gotta be an easier way to do this." "I mean, there's what, five billion people in the world?" "I know." "And Mia Farrow's got, like, four billion of 'em." "If there was only a way to make this all simpler." "You know?" "Just cut out the middle man." "Yeah, I know." "Feels like there's this obvious solution that's just staring us in the face." "Oh, Karen, I'm so glad you got Will and Grace this hotel room to consummate their dysfunctional relationship." "Well, honey, I figured since he's gay and she's a handlebar mustache away from being gay herself..." "A frilly hotel room makes perfect sense." "How do you figure?" "Oh, honey..." "I don't care." "You know, I'm really glad they're doing this." "Maybe once Will's done with her, he can quit comin' after me." "I swear, sometimes he gives me looks like I haven't seen since I was an altar boy at Saint Margaret's." "You know, honey, I got the same thing with Grace." "I'm telling you, that girl is running out of excuses to get near my breasts." ""Karen, pick up that phone."" ""Karen, will you send this fax?"" ""Karen, get your boobs away from my face."" "Well, I brought something that no straight love-making experience would be complete without." "A little gay porn." "Honey, come on." "Let's get into position." "Come on!" "Oh, here they are!" "Oh!" "Do it!" "Do it!" "Do it!" "Do it!" "I haven't had two people cheering me to have sex since I brought a Jewish doctor home for Thanksgiving." "Oh, honey." "I'm so excited for you." "Karen, get your boobs away from my face!" "Wha--I--What'd I tell you?" "Ooh!" "I can't wait!" "This is gonna be disgusting!" "Hey, where's the zoom on this thing?" "I'm gonna need to make everything look bigger." "Ok." "Yeah." "So, here we are." "Time to make a baby." "A baby." "MBaby!" "So..." "Yeah."