""Home Movie"!" "For "Home Movie" press one." "For "Happy Easter" press two." "What are you doing?" "For a terrible "Thanksgiving," press three." "You're confusing our children." "For "Happy Kwanzaa," press five." "I don't think so." "Aha!" "Mm-hmm, happy Halloween." "Mmm, fire." "Fire." "My children have been turned into fire-breathing dragons." "It's your mother and she's in a horrible mood and a birthday cake for you." "You're so scary." "# Happy birthday-slash-Halloween, Jack and Emily #" "#Happy birthday-slash-Halloween to... #" "Hmmm?" "Oh, yes, make a wish." " Make a wish." " You guys ready?" "Ready?" "Blow out the candles." "They're not blowing out." "Oh, she got them." "Nope, they're still lit!" " Hey hey!" " Jack!" "Fire, mmm..." "Five four three two one." "Ready or not, here we come!" "I'm not wearing mine either." "I'll wear yours." "I'll wear yours." " Which way does it go?" " Any way." "No, I'm not wearing it." " Okay, I'm not wearing yours either." " Here." " Hey, come here." " What are you doing?" "Oh no, oh." "Good evening and welcome to haunted ghost house sightings of... ghosts." "They're down here." "Oh!" "Ah ha ha!" "Honey, I think I know where they are." " Where?" " Hold the camera." " Careful." " Baby, if I don't make it back, I just want you to know how much I... whoa!" "I'm all right... ouch!" "Are you okay?" "What is it?" "Nothing but a fire-breathing dragon." "Grr." "Nice!" "Okay, come on, guys." " Game over." "Mommy's tired." " Where are they?" "Aha!" "We found them!" "Okay, guys, come on." "Turn off the flashlights." "Jack and Emily Poe." "Turn off the flashlights." " It's not good for the camera." " Listen to your mom, guys." " Come on." " Such cooperative children." "Turn off the flashlights or I'll turn off the camera." "That's better." "Oh, you got me." "Oh, you got me." "Did you just bite me?" "Bringing the heat on." "Nice!" "Fake out!" "Now batting..." "Number 31..." "Jack..." "Poe... centerfielder, the Connecticut Cormorant." "All right." "Come on, you can do it!" "Nice!" "Aw, come on, Jack!" "Whoop... oh!" "Into the woods." " Holy cow." " Oh, rats!" " Nice hit, son." " That was good!" "Good job, baby." "Oh." "Little help, hon?" " What?" " Little help." " What do you mean?" " A little help!" " You want me to get it?" " A little help." " You get it." " Little help." " My God." " A little help." "Do I have to do everything around here?" "I'm the pitcher." "My arm, my leg..." " they gotta relax and rest." " Your arm?" "My arm." " Come on, hon." " I got it... okay." "Okay..." "Yay." "Oops, got some woods here." "Hurry up, hon!" "I think I found some poison ivy." "Makes sense." "And I just saw a jackal... that's good." "Poison ivy, more snakes and a jackal." "I'm, like, so glad we just moved to the middle of nowhere." "Hey, Em!" "Have you seen your dad's ball?" "Okay, well, um..." "I'm gonna go look over here." "I thought you said you didn't see it." "Listen, how about I shoot your guys's clubhouse, huh?" "That might be cool for you guys to look back at when you're older, right?" ""No parents allowed." Hmm." "Is that all parents or is that just me and your dad?" "Ah." "Okay." "Well..." "I'm gonna go watch the game." "Do you want to come?" "You can ride in the wagon." "Are you playing dead?" "Again, right here." "It's going right there." "I love the zoom on this." "Zoom!" "Oh, big swing and a miss." "The big fella..." "notice the form though?" " Very nice." " See that?" "Make a smiley face." "Good job." " I'll take that." "I'll take that." " Whoa!" "High-five, put it there." "All right, thank you." "Come on, Em!" "Give your dad a hand!" " Yeah!" " Home run." "Whoo!" "Good, baby, good." "Watch this guy." "One more, one more, one more." " Whoop!" " What was that, a rock?" "What?" "What?" "What's the matter?" " We're done." " What happened?" " He's throwing rocks at me." " What?" "!" "#Du-duh!" "#" "#Du-duh!" "Du-duh!" "Du-duh!" "#" "#Du-duh!" "Du-duh!" "Du-duh!" "#" "Today we're going to learn about the ancient art of raking." "Raking was first discovered by a Chinese mountain task force in 1802." "My lovely assistant Jack Poe is raking today because he's being punished for throwing a rock at his dad's head." "What you got, Jack?" "A dead bug." "This is where we employ the notorious garbage bag technique." "And there you have it, kids." "That's our lesson for today:" "Dead things go in trash bags." "Love is in the air, can you feel it?" "Hmmm?" "Yes?" "Don't let me keep you up." "Okay." "It's Friday, November 9th, 10:30 PM." "It's Clare and I's 10th wedding anniversary... and I'm gonna go attempt a most dangerous stunt." "But before I go, in case I don't come back," "Jack, I want you to know how much I love you." "And, Emily, I love you very very much too." "So, um, well... this stunt is most dangerous." "I wouldn't have anybody, uh, attempt it if you're amateur or if you're faint of heart." "I'm gonna go try and jump all 206 of my wife's bones." "Okay, bye." "Wish me luck." "Oh... shit!" "Great." "Give me this." "Happy anniversary." "You better not have the camera in here!" "I don't have the camera in here." "What do you think I am, a pervert?" "Yeah!" ""'The Mask of Sanity,' by Hervey M Cleckley."" "Some people have booze." "My wife has books." " Ah... come here." " No!" " Cheese plate?" " That's a cheese plate?" " Yes, and that's a box of wine." " I'm not drinking wine" " that comes out of a box." " Kiss me, elitist." "I am not an elitist." "Come on, I just moved our family here to the middle of the woods six months ago." " I'm not an elitist." " You're an elitist." "Kiss me, elitist." "Mmm, this cheese isn't bad." " Are you seducing me?" " Huh-uh, I would never do such a thing." "Well, um, it's too bad for you." "I can't have sex right now because I have a lot of work to do." " You always have work to do." " Yeah, so we have money to spend." " Right." " # Money to spend. #" "Aw." "Isn't this how the Paris Hilton video got started?" "No, I think it was..." "Oh, you... bastard!" "Oh, where's my towel?" "!" "Oh!" "You are dead!" " You are so bad." " Bad... do you mean like "bad good" or "bad bad"?" "I mean like bad, nasty, evil bad." "You're supposed to be a pastor, you know." "Yeah, I'm Lutheran, not a Catholic." "Well, I am a doctor, not a whore." "Say happy anniversary" " to the camera, will you?" " No." "So we have something to remember when we're old, decrepit and farting all over each other." "We're not gonna be farting all over each other." "That's disgusting!" "We're gonna be farting all over each other." "We're gonna die in a conflagration of farts." " Yeah, your farts." " Somebody's gonna light a match and we're gonna go..." "Not my farts." "Come on, say happy anniversary to the camera for posterity's sake." "Happy anniversary." "And now you can take the camera out of here because it is supposed to be for my work because I've spent a lot of money on it." "I thought it was supposed to be soft-core porn?" "No?" " I can't believe..." " I can't believe how sexy you are." "Take your clothes off." "I thought you'd never ask!" "Get in here." "Is that the dog?" " Why does he always do this?" " Hegel, fermez la bouche." "David, please, with the camera." "I feel like I'm on "The Real World" or something." ""The Real World"?" "Where's Emily?" "Oh, isn't that the most precious thing?" "It's not precious." "It's weird." "It's not weird..." "the two of them in bed together?" "They're getting too old for this." "It's the cutest thing I've ever seen." ""The Story of the Dragon and the Paper Bag,"" "by Micky Powell." ""Once upon a time, in a land far far away, there lived the most hideous two-headed dragon in all of history." "And this dragon had this dream of eating all the boys and all the girls in town." "In fact, 'twas more than a dream... 'twas a plan." "On Halloween next, when all the boys and all the girls wear their paper-bag masks to school, the dragon decided that he was going to wear his own paper-bag mask." "And, thus disguised, he set forth for the schoolyard." "On the schoolyard, the schoolkids were surprised by the sight of their new student." "'You're too tall,' they said." "'You have two heads,' said another child." "'You can't be one of us." "You must be the dragon.'" "'Trust me,' the dragon answered," "'I'm one of you.'" "'Oh, yeah?" "Prove it,' they said." "'Take off your mask.'" "The dragon knew that that was something that he couldn't do." "'What I can do,' he said, 'is talk like you." "I can walk like you." "Shoot, I can even dance like you.'" "'Do it,' said the children." "And, indeed, the dragon walked, talked and danced just like he was one of them." "And the children were so convinced that they invited him to sing their songs with them." "They invited him to play in their games." "And when the bell rang for lunch, they invited him inside to eat with them." "'Thanks,' said the dragon, 'but I prefer to eat outside.'" "'Outside?" "' says the children." "'But whatever will you eat?" "'" "The dragon responded, 'You.'" "And with that, the dragon took off his paper-bag mask, revealing the two hideous heads." "The children started to scream, but their screams were soon swallowed inside the dragon's stomach."" "That was perhaps the most vastly inappropriate fairy tale I've ever heard." "Hon, it's an allegory for, you know, "Don't trust strangers."" "Good night, Steven." "Good night, Lou." "Good night, Nikolai... commie bastard." "Hello, my name is Dr. Clare Poe." "It is the 10th of November, 2006." "This is video diary number one." "Patient's name:" "Billy Tomlinson, 11, diagnosed with prodromal VEOS at the Children's Hospital in Philadelphia, where I am currently chief resident of the child psychiatry unit." "Patient meets all diagnostic criteria, including disorganized speech, alogia, catatonic features and persistent delusions, with no fewer than three hallucinatory episodes in the past three months, in which Billy claimed there was, quote," ""a man made of nails" living under his bed." "10mg Abilify, 10mg loxapine." "In less than a week, this binary treatment vanquished Billy's delusions, sending this "man made of nails"" "back to whatever synapse misfiring he came from." "Scheduled appointment, including blood work, for next Tuesday, the 14th." "Hi." "It's November 18th." "Hi." "It's November 18th." "I'm your host David Poe, and this is "America's Funniest," "Most Embarrassing Home Videos."" "Today the kids have their Thanksgiving Day party at school." "Mom's dressed them as something." "We're gonna find out what." "You guys look so cute, I'm gonna vomit." "The follies of youth are fast forgotten, not to worry." "Unless, of course, Dad happens to be filming them." "Listen to you." "Honey, did you make your own lunch?" " I'm sorry, you look great." " They look great!" "Fantastic, absolutely." "What did you make?" "That's... come on, please..." "Give them a break." "Did you make bologna?" "No?" "PBJ?" "No?" "Well... why don't we just see what our little man is bringing to the fourth grade Thanksgiving feast, huh?" "If he can make a sandwich, I think you can every once in a while." " No, I can't." " I'm sorry." " What'd you make, Jack?" " Oh!" "Hey, boy." "On this episode of "Clare Poe:" "Turkey Proctologist Extraordinaire,"" "we... ooh, "Rectum?" "Damn near killed 'em!"" "Huh?" "Huh?" "Jack!" "Emily!" "I'll get 'em." "Come on, guys, it's time to eat." "Your mom's been working on this turkey all day." "Some apples?" "Looks really good, doesn't it?" "Dear Lord..." "Thank you." "Thank you for providing us this most bountiful feast." "Most importantly, we thank you for providing us with each other, with love, for this Thanksgiving we owe to You, our most trusted and holy God." "Thank you for my wife, my beautiful wife, thank you for my children and thank you for this life, which is indeed blessed." "So let us pray." "Dear blessed Lord, we thank you for the gifts that you..." "What was that?" "That was your children being disrespectful." "Well, we're not gonna eat this turkey until they pray." " Okay." " All right." "Dear blessed Lord, thank you for the gifts that you have provided for us..." "What are you guys doing?" " Let's just eat, okay?" " I'm serious." "We are not gonna eat until you pray." "David, come on." "Dear blessed Lord, please give us Your that you have provided for us..." "What are you guys doing?" "Hi, I'm Boy Scout leader David Poe and you're gonna learn about an ancient art today called lock picking." "You won't find it in the manual, but you will find it here." "Come on." "All right?" "Bobby pin?" "Got it." "Okay now, Jack, first thing you wanna do:" "Open up said bobby pin, peel off the little rubber bit... put it into the lock like so." "All right, make three circles counterclockwise until you feel it..." " Go like that." "There you go." "And lock picked." "Slide it to the left." "Okay, this is the one-handed bowline." "It's a very important knot, maybe the most essential knot." "It's un-get-out-of-able, un-undoable unless of course you wanna undo it and you have two hands." "I'm gonna show you how to do it with one hand." "Ready?" "Go like this..." "go around the tree." "And that right there is a bowline, all right?" "I want you to do one." "Give me one second." "Emily, you watching?" "Look at that." "There he is." "There's old Nikolai." "Perfect." "Dad's," "Jack's." "Perfect!" "Did you see that?" "Emily, you're next." "Are you ready?" "I scream, you scream." "We all scream for... ow!" "A little help." "I thought you were going jogging." "I did." "I was." "For about three miles." "So I'm out there in the middle of the woods and I took a left where I usually... anyways, there's this inlet road there, and off in the distance I heard this music, right?" "And it's weird, but it sounds familiar, so I jog a little closer and I see this truck, this ice-cream truck." "And I flagged him down." "He was coming toward me and I say, "Hey, man, listen, it's a little loud at 7:00 in the morning for you to be playing the music the way you're playing it." "Would you mind turning it down a little?" He says, "No problem."" "Real nice guy, and he gives me two ice-cream cones." "How about that?" "I know you don't generally have ice cream before you go to school, but today's an exception." "Our kids don't deserve ice cream right now." "They deserve a lecture from their father because what they did was wrong." "I know you're right." "I've been thinking about that." "Here's what I thought." "Why don't we make a movie?" "Spend more family time together?" "John, Paul... and George." "Sorry, Ringo!" "Come on, guys, let's go!" "Perfectly decent Christmas trees just waiting for us to put an axe in them!" "There you go." "#It's chilly #" "#Scarf on... # oh, please!" "Who loves you?" "Do you love me?" "Hmm?" "#Sleep in heavenly peace... #" "Ruh-roh." "What are you guys saying?" "Doing that thing they do." "I don't like that thing." "It's like their own language." "Stop that, okay?" "Can you show me what you're drawing?" "You guys, secrets aren't nice." "Honey, secrets are essential." "Our children work for the Honduras CIA Task Force." "Where am I turning?" "I don't know, just turn up there somewhere." " Shouldn't there be a sign?" " I don't know." "We live in the middle of the woods, we don't need a sign" " to tell us where the trees are." " Okay, I just farted." "Ho ho ho!" "Hey hey!" "No running with the saw!" "Christmas tree farm!" " How could you let Jack carry a saw?" " Trees of all sizes!" "I carried a saw." "My dad let me when I was 10 years old." " It's like a coming-of-age thing." " It's dangerous." "Hey, how 'bout this one?" "That tree's, like, anorexic." " You're a pastor." " "American Idol," look out." "#The first noel #" "#The angels did sing... #" "That's almost kind of scary." "#La la la la la la la #" "#You're my everything. #" ""And Cain... and Cain said to Abel, his brother, 'Let us go out in the field.'" "And when they were in the field, Cain rose up against his brother Abel and killed him." "Then the Lord said to Cain," "'Where is Abel your brother?" "'" "He said, 'I do not know." "Am I my brother's keeper?" "'" "And the Lord said, 'What have you done?"'" ""So... so... so..." "so this Christmas... let's do more than just open gifts." "Because we are... all of us..." "our brother's keeper." "Let's follow in Christ's footsteps." "Let's... let's fight evil on a daily basis because then, and only then, can we call ourselves Christians, worthy in the eyes of the Lord."" "No one wants to hear this shit on Christmas Eve." "You just suck." "You suck... so so much." "You suck." "Ah, hey!" "Beautiful!" "You did it!" " We have connection?" " We have connection." " Tell me, Santa." " Anything, little girl." "What is the secret to your gluteal success?" "Santa uses a Stairmaster, baby." "Mmm, nice, I like it." " Eww, no presents for you!" " Ho ho ho!" "Ho ho ho!" "Come on, guys!" "Rise and shine!" "It's a gastrointestinal Christmas!" "You're all invited to participate." "Did you bring your whoopee cushion?" "All right, guys, who's ready for Christmas?" " All right, it's Christmas time!" " Yeah." "What do we have here?" " What is this?" " Presents!" "Open 'em up." "Let's see what we got." "Oh my God!" "# Can't stop it, I just can't stop it #" "#Can't stop it, I just can't... #" "#Stop it!" "#" "#I got presents #" "#So many presents. #" "Super Soaker." "Ah ha ha ha!" "How 'bout them apples?" " That's not fair." " What?" "Jack Mathias Poe, put that water gun down right now." "Right now, right this instant!" "Hey hey hey..." "not in the house!" "Not in the house!" "Ooh hoo hoo!" "The game is on!" "Come on, come on, come on!" " The game is on!" " Okay, now... don't get the camera!" "Not in here." "Oh!" "Yesterday morning, the 25th of December..." "Christmas..." "Jack and Emily crucified the family cat." "My children need help." "As a doctor, as their mother, it is..." "My children need help." "Jack and Emily Poe, age 10." "Birthday:" "October 31st, 1997." "No prenatal trauma, no temporal lobe epilepsy or amygdala damage." "Asperger's disorder possible, but unlikely." "Malicious intent falls into the category of conduct disorder, a precursor to adult ASP or anti-social personality disorder." "Either the MMPI or the PCL-R will have to be administered to test the ambit and extent of Jack and Emily's psychopathology, the ambit and extent of... their malice." "Ha ha, and welcome to another New Year's Eve, our first here at the Poe household." "We're gonna usher in a year of prosperity, love and a healthy buzz which I've been nursing since 5:00 this afternoon." "Nyeh nyeh nyeh." "Indians." "Oh my God." "David, I'm blowing my nose." " God." " Hi, honey." " You ready?" " Do you mind?" " I don't mind at all." " Good Lord." "Hi!" "Okay, can you put it down now?" " Cheers." " Cheers!" " Happy New Year." " Mm-hmm!" "Are you ready?" " Oh, boy." " Um, no." "I just, um..." "I'm thinking that... maybe we shouldn't go out tonight." "You know?" "The kids..." "God, stop it." "The kids are fine." "They're fine." "Besides, Madre, you deserve a night out." "Yeah, but we just..." "we never go out." "And that's the point." "Exactly why we should go out." "Come on." "We'll go out." "We'll go to our old stomping grounds." "We'll hit the city, we'll tear it up, we'll have some fun, see some old friends." "Just for one night." "Okay." "Is the babysitter here yet?" "Huh-uh." "Well, maybe we should call her, okay?" "Okay." "Sorry." "How much did you drink?" "Nothing." "Not anything." "Not much of anything." " You know what happens." " Yeah, I do, and I don't want that." "That's gonna be my New Year's resolution." " Pfft." " What?" "Well, what's gonna be yours?" "What's your resolution?" "Secret." "Secrets are cool." "That's what we have around here, right?" "Oh, yeah, okay." "That's why you don't want to go into the city, isn't it?" "'Cause you don't want to see people we used to know." "'Cause just they might ask that inevitable question:" ""David, Clare, how are the kids?"" "Can you turn the camera off, please?" "Sure, I'll tell you what." "Why don't you turn it off?" "You tell the camera your New Year's resolution, then you can turn it off." "Come on, I told mine." "I promise I won't watch it." "You should turn the camera off!" "The battery's gonna die!" "I'm not talking into the camera." "Hello." "For you." "Ding-dong." "Yeah, I'm gonna smoke." "New Year's resolution." "Here we go." "I resolve..." "I resolve to not quit smoking." "I want..." "I want this family to be the family that" "I thought it would be when I thought about having a family in the first place, because... this isn't." "It's..." "I feel like I don't know these people." "There are strangers in my house." "Mom, help." "What are you doing?" "Oh my God!" "What is this?" "!" " I didn't do that." " Well, that's..." "Were you rough-housing with Daddy?" " Who hurt you?" "Did Daddy hurt..." " Well..." "Be quiet, David!" "Who hurt you?" "Did Daddy bite you?" " Who bit you?" " The man." " What man?" " The man in the closet." "January 1st, 2007, 4:06 AM." "Multiple bite marks found on both Jack and Emily's torso and arms." "Bites so deep they left, for lack of a better word, craters in their flesh." "It is worth noting, in the interest of full disclosure, a bit of the past when it comes to my husband." "David was, as a child, abused." "Abused children, as proven by Piaget, are predisposed as adults to abusing their own children." "All I know is there's a lot I don't know about my husband." "I know he drinks more than he should, and when he..." "Oh, this is specious." "Children have overactive imaginations." "The man in the closet is not real, but the bite marks are." "Who's been biting my children?" "Ooh, you're pretty." "Ooh, you look upset." "Surprise!" "Happy Valentine's day, hon!" " How was Philly?" " I'm taking the kids to my mother's." " You're doing what?" " If you want to have a normal conversation like two normal adult people," "I'd be happy to do that but I am not doing this." "Our kids are not normal." "We can't move into the middle of nowhere, raise them in this Norman Rockwell world, expect everything..." " nothing's changed." "It didn't work!" " What's your point?" "My point is that there's something bad in this house" " and it isn't me." " Our children are behaving badly because they themselves have been treated badly." "It is rudimentary cause and effect, symptomatic of a larger problem." "I can't believe you're a psychologist." "I can't believe it." "You don't even know your own kids are psychotic." " Our children are not psychotic." " They crucified the fucking cat!" "Okay?" "They put goldfish in a sandwich." "They put the frog in vise grips." "I saw them eating raw meat!" "Obvious revolt from two abused children." "Say it to the camera." "Say I abused our children." " Say it to my face." " It's not..." " Go ahead!" " I'm not gonna say it to the camera." "All right, say it to me." "Go ahead, say I abused our children." "It's not you." "It's the fucking camera." "I'm taking the children to my mother's." "No, you're not, Clare." "Their bodies were covered in bite marks." " I didn't do it!" " Well, then who did, the man in the closet?" "Um, February 14th, 1:45 PM." "While the student body of St. Walter's was attending a St. Valentine's Day assembly in the cafeteria," "Jack and Emily cornered a boy," "Christian McNamara, age nine, one grade below them, into the boys' bathroom." "Once inside, they locked the door and began to bite him repeatedly." "And they just wouldn't stop." "The boy is fine, uh, medically, but Jack and Emily have been expelled." "It's clear to me now that no one was biting Jack and Emily." "Jack and Emily were biting each other." "This has to stop." "Emily?" "Emmy?" "Emily?" "Hey, honey." "The shade is down." "You ready to talk to me about what happened?" "'Cause I'm ready to listen." "Why did you hurt Christian McNamara?" "Because you did hurt him, you know." "They said that after you bit him, he was bleeding." "You broke the skin but you kept..." "Why did you keep biting him?" "This picture, this drawing that you and Jack did, it seems like you had it all planned out." "You were gonna bring him into the bathroom and lock the door, right?" "Well, honey, in court, that's called premeditated." "Why did you hurt him?" "Baby, do you know how... do you know how in church" "I talk about how for every good thing that God does," "Satan does a bad thing?" "Well, just like there are angels on the earth, there's also demons and they can go everywhere." "Do you think there are bad things in this house?" "Who's the man in the closet?" "Emily?" "I need to talk to your father, so would you go downstairs, please, and please stay out of Jack's room?" "Right now." "Thank you." "I'm taking the camera." "Oh, so you get to film the children but I don't, is that it?" "It's a family camera, you know." "It's not yours." "I use it for my work." "Jack is my work." "Jack is your son." "All right, Jack, now we're gonna do what's called a Rorschach test, okay?" "All you have to do is look at the pictures." "Tell me what you see." "It's okay, Jack, Mommy's not gonna get mad, all right?" "You just have to look at the pictures." "Just tell me what you see." "Okay, I'll take the pictures back now, Jack." "Give me the pictures." "I'm beginning a... a course in, uh, psychopharmacology." "10mg clonidine." "Exorcism doesn't exist for Lutherans." "Nor does it exist, really, in practice for Catholics or for any Christians, for that matter." "Yellow in the morning, white in the afternoon, pink in the evening." "It's a practice that's deemed... archaic." "Never ever take more than one pill at a time." "Never ever take more than one pill at a time." "Do you understand?" "Otherwise your body will go into what we call "a conscious coma."" "We've somehow today deemed it more palatable to reduce John Wayne Gacy's 33 murders to the fact that he was abused as a child." "10mg Haldol... 10mg vesprin." "I got news for you... there is evil in this house." "Leave this house in Christ." "Leave this house in Christ." "Leave this house in Christ." "Leave this house in Christ." "This is my house!" "These are my children!" "Leave my fucking children alone!" "Get the fuck out of my house!" "Leave this house in Christ." "Leave this house in Christ!" "Stay down, stay down!" ""The children of the kingdom will be cast into outer darkness, and there shall be weeping, there shall be gnashing of teeth."" "Leave this house in Christ!" " David?" "David?" " Leave this house in..." "Leave leave leave leave!" "Leave leave!" "Leave leave!" "Leave leave!" "It's okay, the evil is gone." "April 8th, 2007." "Easter Sunday." "Two months have passed." "I'm happy to report that since my last report," "Jack and Emily's antisocial behavior has surceased." "The Haldol and vesprin show no negative side effects, allowing them to successfully reenter school." "Much to our surprise, they have befriended Christian McNamara, inviting him over to hunt for Easter eggs, proving once again that there is no good child, there is no bad child, there is only diagnosis." " And with the diagnosis, treatment." " You're insane." "I have treated my children." "Hey, guys, what are you doing?" " Hey, Dad." " Hi, Daddy!" " Hey, Mr. Poe." " Hi, honey." "Hey, Christian." " Are my kids being good to you?" " Yeah." " Outstanding." " Hi, Dad." "Hey, what's going on?" "Hi, honey." " How are you?" " Good." "What are you guys up to?" "Are you having fun?" " Mm-hmm." " Nice." "How about this?" "Is this embarrassing you?" " Yes." " Huh?" " Okay, what are you building?" " A fort." "Yeah?" "You have enough blankets to build a fort?" " Mm-hmm." " All right, build it strong because William Tecumseh Sherman's coming." "Too young for Fort Sumter jokes?" " No, I got it." " It's not funny?" " Nah, kind of." " Okay." "We're gonna get ready for the Easter egg hunt." " Okay." " In a half an hour." "Can I see by show of hands who wants to hunt Easter eggs?" "Outstanding." "Okay, we're gonna do it in half an hour, okay?" " Mm-hmm." " Synchronize watches." " All right." " We're not wearing watches." " Bye, Daddy!" " Bye, Mr. Poe." " Hey, I love you." " I love you too, Daddy." " I love you, honey." " I love you too." " See you in the kitchen." " Okay!" "All right?" "Cutest kids in the world." "I'm gonna do a little recap for the kids." "10 years ago, Easter, you and I?" "Oh, Mr. Romance." "Yes, children, your father was walking out of a church, looked across the quad." "He spotted your mother, the patented David Poe charm kicked in and..." "You could almost hear it." "We got to talking." "Yeah, you got to talking." "I got to staring, wondering what you were doing with a Bible in your hand." "Mm-hmm, and she said with all requisite sarcasm..." ""Are Jehovah's Witnesses and other religious types allowed to flirt with co-eds?"" "I said, "No, Jehovah's Witnesses are not required by law to flirt with co-eds, however..." "Lutherans are."" "And I explained..." "Yes, with a great deal of condescension, I might add." "...with a great deal of condescension that if she had any doubts about this fact, that she might want to present herself at the divinity school kegger on Friday night at midnight because the Theology department at Harvard is, bar none, party central on campus." " That was our first date." " It was our first date." "And you didn't think the beer was good enough for me" " so you brought, um..." " Come." " Um, you brought me..." " A box of wine." " A box of wine." " Wine that comes from a box." " Mr. Romance." " Johnny Romance." "And I asked you what could a psychiatrist and a pastor" " ever have in common and..." " I said, "Faith."" "...and you said faith." " Faith." "That the two of us, more than any other people, could actually help people." "That's right." "And I do love you, but I don't believe in Freud." "That's okay." "I don't believe in God." "That's okay." "He believes in you." "He believes in this family." "That makes three of us." "Oh." "Hmm." "Is that a carrot in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?" "As a matter of fact..." "Oh my God." "...it is a carrot." "That came from the strangest place." " Would you like a bite of my carrot?" " You know I would." " See?" " Why, I oughta..." "Junior filmmaker bunny." "Mr. Bunny, Mr. Filmmaker." "Jack, Emily!" "Come on down, it's time to hunt for Easter eggs!" "That's the TV." "It's so frickin' loud." ""Frickin"'?" "Yeah, I said frickin', sorry." "Jack, Emily!" "Hey, the TV." "It's so loud..." " Hey, what's up?" " They're not here." " They're not here?" "What do you mean?" " I don't know." "Jack?" "Emily?" "Oh, what's reeking?" "Oh, Jack." "No." "No." "Oh God." "Because it's Easter Sunday and our children are minors..." "DCFS, against our better wishes, has given us custody of our children until the court arraignment tomorrow." "Tonight will be their last night in this house." "Tomorrow they will be charged as minors... with, uh, one count of unlawful restraint, one count attempted murder with a provision llI clause of juvenile detention until the age of 18." "Tomorrow morning, Jack and Emily are..." "Gonna go away." "Like Abraham sacrificed Isaac, so we must sacrifice our children." "But even still..." "I love my children." "How can I not love my son and my baby girl?" "Come on." "Come on." "Honey." " What?" " We can stop." "No." " Come on, let's finish." " No no no." "We're not gonna show this... to anyone, so we're not talking to anyone." "We are talking to ourselves." "Understand that?" "We're talking to ourselves." "I'm sorry." " I'm sorry." " That's okay." "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." "DCFS, against our better wishes, has given us custody of our children until the court arraignment tomorrow." "Hi, and welcome to "The Jack and Emily Show."" "I'm Jack." "I'm Emily." "Let's have some fun." "You're quiet in there." "I can't even hear you, but I know you're there." "Let's have a staring contest." "I dare you to stare until our movie's done." "I bet you you can't." " Jack!" " Please stop!" "Stop!" "Oh my God!" "Stop it!" "Oh, God, please!" "Jack, stop!" "Jack, what are you doing?" "Stop it!" "Stop!" "Please!" "And action." "Untie me, untie me." " I'm gonna call the police!" " Untie me." "Untie me!" "They cut... they cut the phone lines." "Take the baseball bat." " Get the fucking bat." " What?" " Get the bat, Clare." " Where?" "It's upstairs in Jack's room." "I can't go up there." "It's dark up there." "Take the camera." "There's a light on the camera." "There's a switch on the side." "Get the fucking bat." "Where's the..." "where's the light?" " It's on the side!" " How do you turn on the light?" "By the handle on the side!" "Clare!" "Clare!" "Clare!" "Clare!" "Go!" "Go!" "Jack!" "Emily!" "Stop this shit right now!" "You listen to your father." "Untie me." "Un-fucking-tie me!" "Jack!" "Emily!" "Jack." "All right, guys, I can see you so you don't move, okay?" "If you move, I will break every bone in your fucking body, do you understand?" "David?" "David!" " Yeah." " Do you have everything?" " Just one more bag." " Okay." " Are you okay?" " I'm fine." "Are you sure?" " Honey, are you sure you're okay?" " I just have a headache." " That's awfully bright." " Sorry sorry." "All right, you guys." "This is it." "You are leaving this house." "You are not our children." "I don't know what you are." "You stay right there." "David?" "David?" "Oh my God." "David?" "Honey?" "Honey?" "Oh my God." "David?" "Oh my God." "Oh my God!" "Oh my God!" "Oh my God!" "What did you do?" "Oh my God." "Oh my God, did they drug us?" "Oh my God." "You fucking drugged us!" "No!" "Get back!" "Get the fuck...!" "Get back!" "Help!" "Help!" "Help!"