"Yeah, I'm fine." "Listen, we never decided what book we were gonna read for the next session so I was thinking maybe it's your turn and you get to choose." "Oh." "Do you think that's a book" " Higher, Dirka." " This is too much." " Push yourself!" " l feel sick, Kenny." "(Gasping)" "We can have a little break now?" "Move!" "(Doorbell)" "Are my American girl" "Thanks." "Come on in." "Come from afar" "I'm your Cadillac superstar..." " What are you doing?" " l'm gonna..." " Gonna what?" " Touch your tail" " l need to touch your tail" " What are you doing?" "Barney, get off me!" "God!" "I hate it when people touch my hair." "Barney?" "Oh, my God." "Are you dead?" "(Man) I've got no idea who my readers are." "I think you write for yourself and you can't predict how people find it." "(Interviewer) Surely you have a sense of who they are?" "but really I have no idea who my readers are." "Lady at the back, what's your question?" "Can you describe the importance of plot in your books?" "Well, I'm a thriller writer so I guess it's..." "Yes, but do you think it's more important than character?" "Well, no." "I think that would be a mistake..." " l've read all your books." " Great." "Sorry, can we... I did notice that the central male character tends to be cynical at first, particularly as regards the opposite sex." "Yeah." "Harley's hard-boiled." "That's part of what makes him..." "And in every book he loses his cynicism and finds an inner strength in solving the crime." "Whilst doing so, he falls in love with the female character" "l-l guess that's pretty accurate." "Do you think if you allowed the character to lead the plot more rather than service it," "Could you hold on a moment?" "Kenny, this lassie's rang six times in the last hour." "Kenny, it's Claire." "God, this is awful." "Barney came over and he was acting really weird and then he passed out on the floor and I thought you'd know first aid or something." "You are married, girl." "You shouldn't flirt so much." "I'm not flirting. I'm just making friends." "You're being a prickteaser." "They don't like it in Scotland." "Yah, yah." "Hello, ladies." "I was just about to take my break." "We were going to take you for cappuccino." "Not today, ladies." "No smoking." "It's just finding what's right for me." "You could say the idea of genre was the celebration of formula." "I've got a good formula." "People like my books." "Course they do." "You've come to meet me so why say all my books are the same?" " l didn't say that." " That I just repeat myself." "Do you think they sell wine here?" " Can I call you when I need picked up?" " Aye." "He just started talking a few minutes ago." " Did he?" " Mm-hm." "He's right in here." " Hello, Kenny." " All right, pal." "Claire says you passed out." "She turned me down. I fainted." " Oh, aye." "You still using, Barney?" " Oh, please." "There's a rehab group at the leisure centre." "You should go." " You gave Claire a real fright." " Wow!" "And you came to my apartment." "Did you think I could help you?" "Oh, God." "This isn't happening." " l'll support you, Barney." " Me too." " l need a drink." " Can he do that?" " So, do you write?" " Not really, no." "Don't tell me, you're a critic?" " Do you think so?" " You see the bigger picture." " You're married?" " Oh, yes." "How, er..." "How married are you, Janice?" "Steady... tiger!" "Hello, Harley." "Hey!" "Great." "Our Father which art in heaven Hallowed be Thy name." " Are you praying?" " Yes." "Why?" "It's sinful, us doing this." "Yeah." "I guess." "I never have anything to say in confessions." "This week I'm going to have such stories." "Went past Malini as if he didn't exist, cut inside and who's coming at me?" "Duisberg." "I drop, go left - he's gone." "I'm through, one-on-one, just the keeper to beat." "He comes off his line, I shape for the blast, he's off." "I go for the chip... goal!" " Shall I show you me free kick?" " Aye, go on." "He's so focused on his football I don't think he understands how much wee Jackie needs him." "You know how boys are when they're that age, they worship their fathers." " Janice." " Yes?" "Do you mind if we, er... talk about my last book?" "No." "(Sighs) Tell me more about what you thought when you read it." "I thought I'd made a breakthrough with Dark Alley." "Did you sense it was a departure for me?" "Martin, I want to know how you feel about your last book." "Oh, right, yeah." "Good." "Well... I think Harley had started to come to terms with the death of his patrol partner and, er, I think we saw complexities in his character that we really hadn't seen before." " Welcome, Janice." " Hello." "Sorry I'm late." " Did Jackie tell you?" " Tell me what?" " He didnae tell you?" " What?" "When did you see Jackie?" "It's just I'm gonna be doing a wee bit of work for him." " You are?" " Aye." "Administration, letters, calls and that kind of thing." "You're going to be Jackie's secretary?" "No, but it doesn't seem to..." "Firstly, I'd like to thank everyone for coming..." "Rab, I just wanted to say I think you've chosen a really meaningful book." " You do?" " Well, yeah." "Cos this book is very important to me." "It's a children's book!" "I have a terrible headache." "Could you not raise your voice?" " Do you want an aspirin?" " No, I do not, Claire." "Thanks." "We're looking at various books, so we can look at kids' books." " l agree with Kenny." " Right, the floor is now open." " Who'd like to start?" " Me." "Rab, I love this book." "It's about being able to do things because you believe you can do them." "My wee boy loves this book." "It's his favourite bedtime story." " He's got a Thomas duvet cover." " lt's not Thomas." " Thomas The Tank Engine?" " The Little Engine That Could." "We haven't got all the books in the series." "It's a different set of fucking trains altogether." " lt's a nice story for children." " Yeah!" "So..." "I guess that's everyone." "Looks like this is gonna be the shortest book group ever." "Hmm...yeah, I did, Claire." " After all, it is American." " (Rab) lt's British." "Rab, it's American." "Listen, I read this book 25 year ago - my book is British." "Rab, there are mountains in it big enough to cause a problem for a steam engine." "Plenty of mountains here, Claire." "Copyright 1930 New York." " Are we done?" " lt's about getting to the other side." " l met a writer this week." " Who?" "Oh, right." "Dark Alley." " He was, er, very nice." " (Kenny) Bring him here." " We could read a book of his." " Magic!" "I thought we could read one of Claire's." " No." " Why not?" "It's too personal." "You'd be talking to the author." "I thought Martin spoke very well about his oeuvre." "So let's read Dark Alley." " l tried to order your books." " They're not published here." " Over the internet." " l don't use my name." " What is it?" "Danielle Steele?" " She's very good." "I'm not telling. I'm not ready for you to read my work." "That's fine. I know what it's like" "So, we're there." "Excellent." "Martin and I are having an affair." "(Chants) I think I can." "I think I can. I think I can..." " Were we training today?" " l just wanted to watch you." "Oh, aye." "Kenny, I would like to train in the chair." " ln the chair?" " Mm-hm." "Seems like more fun than having to run around." " Do you think so?" " Uh-huh." "And you go faster." "Aye, well, on you go." "Oops." " What do I do?" " Er, weight forward." "You need these." "And just push down on the outer rim." "Yep." "OK." "Yee-ha!" "All right!" "Love it!" "Oxfam." "Oh, no." " Rab." " All right, Janice." " Where's Jackie?" " He's upstairs." "What are you doing with the post?" "I don't want you opening my post." "Don't worry. I'm only opening the ones addressed to Jackie." " Did you open my post?" " You didnae get any today." "Oh, I didnae say anything." "Sorry?" "About your new friend." "We are not going to wear the away strip." "Don't let them tell you it's maroon, it's pink." "It's too much." "We all have to agree on this." "Maybe in the studio it looks maroon but when we get on the turf it's pink." "OK, call me back and tell me what he says." "(Speaks Swedish)" "Jag orkar inte!" "(Speaks Swedish)" " (Sighs)" " Hopplos kvinna." "(Rings)" " Leisure centre." " ls Kenny there, please?" " You were good in that chair." " You think so?" "Aye. it's not easy." "You picked it up straightaway." " Let's always use the chair." " You're not that good." "You can't." "You'd get an overdeveloped upper body." " Like you?" " Not as good as me, but aye." "I can forget about the lower half of the body." "You can?" "We can do everything with the upper half." "I have to get back now." " Erica called." " Erica?" "How many birds do you got?" "The bishop and I are off to Orlando in February." "Got us tickets on the internet." "200 quid." "How about that, eh?" "Bless me, Father, for l have sinned." "It's been two weeks since my last confession." " You're usually here every week." " Aye." " Busy lately?" " Aye, Father, very busy." "Well, you've got a lot on with young Jackie starting school..." "Father, I want to confess that..." "I have seen other men." " Well, you have to get out." " Father, I have had intimate relations with another man." "Father, I have had... sexual intercourse with a man who wasn't my husband." "Janice, when did this happen?" "Oh, Father, it was such a shock." "I went to this writer's talk - he's dead famous." " What's his name?" " Martin Logan." "The Martin Logan?" "Dark Alley?" " Oh, wow!" " l know!" "Jesus!" "Would you turn off your bath, you arseholes?" "Gypsies." "Fucking gypsies." "(Knocking)" "Shit!" "I'll spank the bastards." "(Knocking)" " Hello?" " lt's Kenny." "(Sighs)" "Can I come in, pal?" "I really don't need counselling." "I have a chapter to finish." "Forget that." " l'm going nuts here, pal." " Tell me about it..." "Excellent." " Kenny makes us work so hard." " Mmm." " l've never felt so good." " Yeah." "What do you think his penis looks like?" "I think it's very big." "Do you think he uses a pump?" " To have the sex?" " Yeah. I read that somewhere." "I think he can use his fingers." "(Both sigh)" "And then when he entered me I was gripped with an inner fire that I have not felt before." "Mmm!" "I gave myself to him fully in body and spirit." "Janice, you're a married woman." "Aye." "What should I do, Father?" " Have you told Jackie?" " No." "Has Jackie read Dark Alley?" "Jackie doesn't read books." " l just..." "Never mind." " He's got a new secretary." "Do you think Jackie could be having an affair?" "No, Father. lt's a man." "Oh." "It's the Dutch." "They have no real problem with promiscuity." "is that right?" "Hard for us to understand." "She's just..." "I mean, sitting in my chair and all." " l don't know what she's after." " She's after the attention." "Why would anyone want to sit in the chair when they got a pair of legs like that?" " She's putting on weight." " Do you think?" "She's the type who'll go downhill rapidly." "No self-discipline." "(Knock at door)" "Hello?" "It's Claire." "Hi." "Claire!" "Hi." "Hi." "Oh, come in." "Come in." " Hi." " Hi." "You look nice." "Erm..." "Oh." "Hi, Kenny." "Erm...is that dope?" "It's grass, Claire." "I use it to cope with the pain." " Oh!" " The doctor said it's good." "(Sniggers)" " So, how are you?" " Fine." "Cup of tea?" "No, thanks. I just wanted to come by and see how you were." " Let you know that..." " You're here for me?" " Yeah." " Right." "Listen, I'm really sorry I came to your house the other day but please don't worry about me, I'm fine." "I think you're in denial." " No." "See, I'm not in denial." " No, that is denial." "Just fuck off and mind your own business." "Whoa." "She's trying to be your pal." "I know. I know what she's doing." " lt's so fucking irritating." " (Door closes)" ""'We must go over the mountain before the children awake,'" ""said all the dolls and the toys." ""And the little engine saw the tears in the dolls' eyes" ""and she thought of all the little boys and girls" ""who would not have any toys or food unless she helped."" ""Then she said, 'l think I can." "I think I can. I think I can.'" ""And she hitched herself to the little train." ""She tugged and pulled and pulled and tugged" "Started off where, Mum?" ""The toy clown jumped aboard" ""and the dolls and toy animals began to smile and cheer." ""'Puff, puff, chug, chug' went the little blue engine." ""'l think I can." "I think I can. I think I can.'" ""l think I can. I think I can."" "Somewhere lt's written in a book that I've read" "Sometime lt's written just the way that you said" "The book that I read"