"_" "JEN:" "What's that?" "Oh, wow, your old bedroom junk." "Is your dad finally turning it into the tiki bar he's always dreamed of?" "It was either a tiki bar or a retro airport lounge and Mom didn't want to go through an X ray machine every time she entered the house." "Trapper Keeper, dude?" "Man, remember when a flap and Velcro counted as technology?" "(chuckles)" "Ooh!" "Look what I found." "(gasps)" "Wow!" "This is money for my 12th birthday that I was convinced Matthew had stolen." "Well good thing he didn't, that's, like, 200 bucks." "I mean, that could go to, like, Lark's college fund." "I got a better idea." "What is that?" "This is what I would've spent my 12th birthday money on." "You want to hop in the back, babe?" "Go for a ride?" "Just kidding, doesn't work. (clears throat)" "But do not worry." "Because I'm gonna restore it." "Why does it smell like gas if it doesn't run?" "Ah, the previous owner was trying to burn it." "So, yeah." "Don't smoke around it." "Well, my tiki bar's almost ready." "Next brunch, we're gonna have a steel drum playing in the corner." "John, I said no to the steel drum." "Well, then, we're gonna have a Rastafarian in the corner doing nothing." "GREG:" "Oh, hey, by the way," " Matt, you'll like this." " Hmm." "I found my 12th birthday money in an old Trapper Keeper." " (chuckles)" " You what?" "Wait a minute, wait a minute, I thought that Matt took that money." "Yeah, you know, I did too." "But it turns out" "I've had it this whole time. (laughs)" "So I used the money to buy the dirt bike that I've always wanted." "You know, so it all worked out." "Oh, it all worked out?" "Do you know how long I was grounded for that?" "Not long enough to learn your lesson." "He just said I didn't do it." "I didn't see evidence of that." "'Cause he spent it on a dirt bike." "Greg, just apologize to your brother." "You know his anger issues." "I never had any anger issues until I was wrongly accused." "Whoa, okay, Matt." "I am sorry." "Geez, wow." "I didn't think you'd be so upset." "Beautiful apology." "Way to take the high road, kid." "Oh..." "Do you know that my entire reputation in this family changed on that day?" "Suddenly, we were the good son, the bad son and the slut." " Mm." " Really, Heather?" "Oh, come on, babe." "We had sex in your car on our first date." "You can't be that surprised." "Oh, for God's sake." "Look, I was a stupid little kid, and I apologize." "What more do you want?" " You can give me the bike." " What?" "So I can smash it like you smashed my reputation." "Oh, no way." "I am restoring it." "You know what you can't restore?" "You can't restore my childhood." " Greg, give me the bike." " No." "Imagine how much nicer this fight would be with steel drums playing." "No." "GREG:" "Pretty romantic dinner we're having." "Just you and me and no Lark in a baby seat." "Yeah, if only I could get you out of your baby seat." "Nuh-uh." "No way." "No way I'm letting this out of my sight, now that I know that Matt wants it." "Just give it to him, Greg." "I mean, I don't want this to come out the wrong way, but Matt, he's got nothing." "You know, I mean, sure, he's got Colleen, but who knows for how long." "Whoa, you don't think that they're..." "Point is, if trashing this bike is gonna get your brother to move past this, isn't that worth it?" "No." "I mean, especially if I can find a little mini sidecar for this thing, I'm gonna be the coolest dad on the block." "(exhales)" "No." "It's like he's hurt." "Like he wants me to follow him." "Be careful, that's vintage." "(door closes)" "Dude, what the hell was that for?" "You know exactly what that was for." "Now you've angered the tiki gods." "This year's banana crop is gonna suck." "Good job, Matt." "Look what you did." "What are you talking about?" "You're the one who pushed me." "Hey, hey!" "What's going on in here?" "Greg pushed me and broke the tiki god." "Is that true, Greg?" "Yeah, but only because Matthew stole my dirt bike." " Wha...?" " JOAN:" "Is that true, Matt?" "Did you steal his dirt bike?" "What?" "Of course not." "You said, in front of everyone, that you wanted to smash it." "We all heard you, Matt." "How can you be so petty?" "Wha..." "I didn't do anything, I swear." "It's like my 12th birthday all over again." "Yeah, but I didn't take your money, you said so yourself." "Well, maybe now I'm not so sure." "Maybe you hid it from me this whole time." "Did you do that, Matt?" "Did you hide his money in the back of his Trapper Keeper so he wouldn't be able to find it?" "Did you?" "Excuse me." "I'm gonna go in search of my birth family." "You gonna steal from them, too?" "Hey." "What are you doing?" "Oh, you know, just cleaning up my dirt bike oil with my tears." "Oh, yeah, that got all over the inside of my car, too." "Wait, why was it in your car?" "Oh, well, I'm getting it restored for you." "I-I didn't know what to get you for your birthday next month, and I just figured it was better than socks." "Oh, this is terrible." "Well, I can still get you the socks." "I just, I hate spending money on them when you won't clip your toenails." "No, no, no, I just accused Matthew of stealing it." "No, again?" "Well, you have to go apologize to him now." "Or you and I can move far, far away from here and never see my family again." "I have a go bag in the garage, we can be out of here in 20 minutes." "Okay." "Wait, a go bag?" "Let's go, let's go!" "Huh." "_" "John?" "I can't find my wedding ring." "I've turned the whole house upside down." "Oh, your ring's right here." " Oh!" " Mm-hmm." "Heather brought it over." "Oh!" "I must've over-lotioned." "My jewelry's been falling off all day." "No." "No, you baked it into the banana bread that you gave them." "Oh, dear." "This didn't go through Tim, did it?" "All I know is she didn't want to embarrass you." "Why would that embarrass me?" "Uh, because Heather said you were getting old, uh, and also, um... uh, it did go through Tim." "There's my future Olympian!" "I don't want to be in the Olympics, Mom-Mom." "I want to be ready" " for the zombie apocalypse." " Fun." "You won't say âfunâ when you have to choose between family and survival." "Oh, well." "Let's hit the road." "Hey, Mom, why-why don't you let me drive her today?" "You know, it's-it's dark when her class gets out, and it's hard to see that off-ramp." "Why don't you get going, sweetie?" "We're gonna be late." "Okay." "Oh, I get it." "I'll just stay home, and I'll separate my pills for every day of the week." "It's good to keep busy." "All right, let's go." "Bye, Mom, love you." "Hmm." "Five, six, seven." "JOAN:" "She thinks I'm old because I'm 68." "69, 70... oh, Joanie, damn it." "Now you made me lose count." "Now it's all guess work till Monday." "Do you think I'm old, John?" "Well, you're not new, except for your hips and your knee." "No, I'm making mistakes that any normal person would make, but because of my age, she's suddenly writing me off like I'm old." "Isn't that how you treated your mother?" "She was old." "So, talk to Heather about it." "You know zip about mother/daughter relationships." "It's not about talking." "It's about teaching a lesson through total humiliation." "HEATHER:" "Mom, honestly, I-I could have driven." "Nonsense." "It's still daylight, so all the blurry objects are still quite bright." "(chuckles)" "How am I on your side, dear?" "HEATHER:" "I think we're good." "Yep." "(loudly):" "I hope they have a purple sweat suit that doesn't show the stains." "Mm-hmm." "Yeah." "I don't know about that, Mom, but what about this?" "In your size." "Cute, right?" "It's a little showy." "Do they have anything with cats on it?" "Now you're talking, Mom-Mom." "Very loudly, by the way." "Oh, thank you, dear." "Mom-Mom, what are you doing?" "It's okay, it's okay." "Mom, you look great." "Let's go buy that, and you don't have to take it off." " Hold on." " Yeah." "I want to try on these pants." "Do you think this is like the shoe store where you have to be wearing a sock?" "I'm like a kid in a candy shop." "(chuckles nervously)" "Ugh." "She did it again." "I know, I know, just leave Mom-Mom alone, okay?" "What was that, Heather?" "Oh, I was just saying maybe you want some hard candies." "Oh, I already have some." "Mom, did you pay for those?" "JOAN:" "Look, a Chico's." "I am so sorry." "Come on, honey, follow her, follow her, go, go, go, go, go." "Mom?" "Mom-Mom." "God, where the hell is she?" "This just happened so quickly." "I thought you could only lose little kids." "Well, at a certain point, adults become like little kids again." "(train whistle blows)" "Do you mean like that?" "All aboard!" "Next stop, Zales!" "Ma'am, you need to take a three-hour course to operate the mall choo-choo!" " (whistle blows)" " Mom, what-what are you doing?" "You can't steal the mall train." "I'm just being the crazy old lady you think I am." "What-What are you talking about?" "I don't think you're a crazy old lady." "I've been acting senile all day and you haven't said a word." "You just kept letting it slide." "I thought I could count on you." "Mom, you-you can count on me." "I was trying to protect your feelings." "Never, ever treat me like an old lady, because the moment you do, that's when I become one, and I'm a long way from that." " (chuckles)" " You got it?" "Yeah, I got it." "Ma'am?" "I need you to wait here until the police arrive." "Billy?" "Is it you?" "Billy, is the war over?" " Oh, Billy, you're home." " Oh." " Oh, no, she has really lost it." " Oh, Billy, Billy." " Oh, you're home." " Oh, Mom, Mom." "Come on, we're gonna go back to the lollipop castle." "(whispering):" "That's what we call the home." "Thank you." "Okay, let's go." "It's a very distinct loud, buzzy-rattly sound, like, um, like a rattlesnake on a game show." "You know what, I bet they already have that in Japan." "_" "I'm sorry, but your car's not making the noise." "You mean you couldn't find the source of the noise." "No, there's no noise." "And I can't fix something if I can't find it." "So, you're just not gonna fix my car?" "We only fix cars that are broken here." "Well, that's quite a policy." "Thank you for your help." "(buzzy-rattly noise starts)" "You're kidding me!" "Come on!" "Where are you at?" "!" "The point is, this auto mechanic didn't think" "I knew what I was talking about because I'm a woman, which made me feel really terrible because I didn't know what I was talking about." "Yeah, you see, you can't let this guy get away with treating you this way." "You need to retaliate in the place that matters most." "Go after his kids?" "JEN:" "Wow." "No, didn't see that one coming." " Yeah, that went dark fast." " Oh, well, what else?" "No, I was thinking just going online and, like, ripping him a new one." "Oh." "I like that." " Yeah." " Okay." ""Jeser and Sons Auto Repair, rate your experience."" "(clears throat) One star." ""My mechanic, Dabney, was rude and unhelpful."" "Ooh!" "I've got shivers; it's so real now." "Oh." "Well, one star could get him fired, and I don't want to ruin his career." "I just want to teach him a lesson." "Two stars." "Well, that's still bad." "Of course, I don't know what kind of day he was having." "And he... he was honest, which takes a lot of courage." "Three stars." "Well, there's power in kindness, too, but..." "Who am I to judge?" "I don't know anything about cars." "He even saved me money." "Four stars." "And you know, in this day and age, people are so focused on the negative," "I want to be part of the solution." "Five stars." ""Dabney couldn't help me, but I am sure he can help you."" "(exhales loudly)" "That feels good." "Thank you so much, Jen." "You know, if you really want to teach this guy a lesson, send him a nice gift basket." "Do you think that would work?" "No." " I don't hear it." " Shh!" "Ugh, it's like the car knows there's a man in here and wants me to look dumb." "Okay, well let's not float that theory in front of the mechanic." "You don't get it, Matt." "You're a straight, white male." "No one has ever talked to you like you're dumb." "Except for you, right now." "My fiancé thought that you'd take me more seriously if I had a man by my side." "But I say, hell no." "I have something just as good as a man:" "I have three women." "Do they have car problems, too?" "Well, not today." "But maybe someday." "And where they gonna spend their money?" "Here?" "Where they're treated like fools?" "Or at a garage where all humans are treated as equal?" "Endowed by their creator with certain "inalnable..."" "unanaba..." "Inalienable rights." "She did it right on the way over." "Maybe you don't hear that noise, but I hear it." "And I hear it." "And I hear it." "And I hear it." "Can we speed this along?" "I'm a very busy women's rights activist." "I'm so sorry, I'm almost done." "That sound you don't hear..." "Okay, okay." "I'm happy to take another look." "Thank you." " Yes!" " JOAN:" "Oh, gosh," "I have to release some of that negative body language." "Oh." "Ah-ee!" "Moving in a circle really does make me feel my feminine power." "Okay." "You were right." "There was a sound." "(gasps) I knew it!" " Good for you, dear!" " Well, what was it?" "Oh, don't even worry about it, I just took care of it." " No charge." " No, tell me." "Or, what?" "Does the little lady not know what engine names are?" "Well, I was trying to be sensitive, but, uh, trapped in" " between your seat and the console..." " Uh-huh?" "was, uh, this personal massager." "(vibrating)" "(clears throat, vibrating stops)" "I used to have a longer commute." "We don't need to steal a bus." "We've got talent." "We're like the von Trapp family, except the French aren't trying to kill us." " Did you even watch that movie?" " No." "_" "TIM:" "Whoa!" "You guys feel that?" "It's an earthquake!" "Drill!" "(kids groan)" "You said we were going to Chinatown for dumplings." "Yeah, and Triple Dragon has the best "dumps" in town." "I know you think that shortening words is cool, but it's not." "That's exactly why you don't have a "boyf."" "All right, no dumplings." "When a 6.9 earthquake hits, the Hugheses will be ready." "And since you all "died" in my tsunami drill, this is your big chance at redemption." "Everyone died in your tsunami drill." "Yeah, well, it was a tsunami." "Now hand over your wallets and your phones and get out." "Mom was on board with this?" "Eh, your mother got to pick the last movie, so I get this." "Come on, out." "Out you go." "You all need to make it home, relying only on each other and your wits to survive." "And I pray that at least two of you make it home alive." "And I hope one of that one of those two is Sophia." "Good luck!" "Aftershock!" "Ah!" "(Tim laughs)" "Okay." "I guess he's really not coming back." "What a strange parenting decision." "What do we do now?" "I know, we can steal a car." "I say we call Clem to come get us." "See, guys?" "No downside to getting married early." "If you guys had husbands, we'd call them, but you don't." "Uh, e-excuse me..." "No, that's cheating." "That guy's useless." "Unless we're gonna eat him." "SAMANTHA:" "I saw it online." "You remove the plastic cover from the steering column, find the wiring harness..." "We are not stealing a car." "Well, I can't jack one without a gun." "How about we use that thing my gym teacher uses to call the woman who isn't his wife?" "(sighs)" "You guys don't happen to know" "Clem's number, do you?" "You don't know your own wife's phone number?" "Why would I need to know it?" "She's in my contacts." "And who uses a real phone other than prisoners?" "I'm sure Mom-Mom will come pick us up." "What's Mom-Mom's phone number?" "Do any of us know anyone's phone number?" "I know 911." "We could report Dad for child abuse." "No..." "One, two, three, four." "ALL: ♪ Children of the quake, yeah ♪" " ♪ Children of the quake ♪ - ♪ Yeah ♪" " ♪ Livin' on a fault ♪" " ALL: ♪ With no one to blame. ♪" "They seem kind of well-off to be begging for money," " don't you think?" " Little one's got highlights." "What do we got?" "Just a picture of a mushroom with two walnuts at the... bottom." "Oh." "No." "_" "TYLER:" "Where did you get that?" "The guy under the overpass sold it to me for a dollar." "You had a dollar?" "Yeah, I always keep a dollar in my shoe." "To support my candy habit." "You kids are adorable." " (laughter)" " Thank you." "Oh, thank you so much." "That-that's really gonna help us out." "Oops." "Come and get it." "Looks like your drapes match my curtains." "I didn't like that." "Nothing I touched felt the way I expected." "I can't believe we had to grab your other arm to pull you out." "Here, Dad gave me some hand sanitizer." "Sophia!" "And a phone." "You had that phone the whole time?" "Yeah." "Dad said to use it in case of an emergency, like if there's a real earthquake." "But I didn't want to." "Well, I didn't want to watch Tyler cheat on Clementine with that other woman, but I did." "Don't you say that." "Don't you dare say that." "I'm sorry, it's just that the three of us never hang out anymore." "I mean, Sam, you have your acting, and boxing, and school, and friends, and Tyler, you're married, and... that's... well, that's it." "But today was just like old times, you know?" "When we were kids." "You know, maybe this drill doesn't have to end quite yet." "(kids laughing)" "These are so good." "I know, they almost make me forget" "I felt up an old lady." "Nope, there it is." "(Samantha laughs)" "(phone ringing)" "It's Dad." "Let me handle this." "(Russian accent):" "If you ever want to see your kids again, meet me at Triple Dragon in 20 minutes." "And bring cash." "Can you pass the soy sauce, please?" "Eh." "Heather!" "That thing you said could happen is happening!"