"(barking orders)" "Now, Colonel, I've been on a good many Army posts, and these waves of gambling among the enlisted men come and go." "Well, it comes here with a certain sergeant named Bilko." "He's about to go on a furlough and needs money." "Well, there's bound to be a certain amount of gambling..." "A certain amount, yes, but here, they've bet on everything now." "On whether it's going to rain or not." "On what I'm going to have for breakfast." "I can't even eat." "I look at an egg, and I see Bilko collecting money from someone who had me down for pancakes." "(clears throat)" "Send in Corporal Barbella." "He's one of Bilko's henchmen who got careless." "I'm cracking down." "(door opens and closes)" "Corporal Barbella reporting, sir." "Corporal, I realize that you're just a tool in the hands of a mastermind." "Sergeant Bilko had nothing to do with this..." "I didn't mention any names." "I suppose you know why you're here, Corporal." "Yes, sir." "I was caught shooting craps after lights-out." "Shooting craps after lights-out?" "A Bilko invention-- luminous dice." "Corporal, I want you to take word back to Bilko's barracks, otherwise known as "Little Las Vegas,"" "that I'm getting fed up and I'm cracking down." "Yes, sir." "(wings flapping loudly)" "Good heavens, what was that?" "Oh, Signal Corps carrier pigeons." "Uh, thank..." "thank heavens for them." "It's the only thing that I've been able to get the men interested in that's worthwhile." "They fly them to Camp Crofter and back." "Oh, excellent, excellent." "Very relaxing, sir." "You'll have 15 days to relax." "15 days, sir?" "I am restricting you to post for 15 days." "Yes, sir." "Well, Captain, I suppose you have the general idea of what our problem is." "Yes, uh, the general idea, and somehow, how to solve it." "You can stop this gambling?" "Well, let's face it, Colonel-- this is a service ins..." "installation, and it just hasn't any recreational facilities." "Why, there's not even a morale officer on the post." "We had one." "He came down with melancholia." "Well, Colonel, uh, it's up to the officers to see that the men get interested in something else." "Something more cultural like, uh, music and poetry." "Captain, you're new at Fort Baxter." "My men are not interested in..." "Now, I know, I know, but fortunately, my wife Gloria and I have had quite a good deal of experience in this kind of work." "All right." "I'll call an emergency meeting of, uh, several officers and their wives at my quarters this evening." "Fine, fine." "Yeah." "Send in Lieutenant Anderson." "Oh, and, uh, having an enlisted man there, uh, to get the men's point of view is essential." "Somebody good at promoting post activities." "Captain, I'll give you the biggest promoter in the Army." "Lieutenant, see that this message gets to Sergeant Bilko-- immediately." "But, sir, this is their study period." "Interrupt them." "This is important." "Yes, sir." ""Study period."" "Under the "G"-- 56." "Under the "B"-- 12." "Under the "B"-- 12." "DOBERMAN:" "Hold it!" "All right, what is it now?" "I need more corn." "Give him more corn." "Doberman, did you come here to eat or to play bingo?" "Look alive!" "Under the "O"-- 70." "Under the "O"-- seven..." "Hold it!" "Brass coming." "Brass coming." "Cards over." "All right, here it is, men-- a very important detail." "Perimeter 337." "MEN:" "Check." "Longitude 36." "Latitude 43." "MEN:" "Check." "Lieutenant, how are you, sir?" "Sergeant Bilko." "Message from Colonel Hall." "Thank you, sir." "I'm just putting the men through a little map drill, you see." "Go right ahead." "Perimeter 614." "I've never seen such small maps." "Oh, I had them made especially." "It sharpens their vision, sir, keeps them on the ball." "You understand." "Oh." "Perimeter 384." "Bingo!" "Wh-What... what was that?" "What was what, sir?" "Somebody said, "Bingo."" "Oh, no, sir." "That was Private Doberman." "He yelled, "Bilko." He's full of questions." "Oh, he really wants to learn." "I'll help him a little later." "Thank you, sir." "That's all." "Thank you." "Perimeter 384." "MEN:" "Check." "All clear!" "Cards over." "All clear." "Under the "N"-- 30." "Under the "N"-- 30." "Hold it." "Under the "B"-- two." "Under the "B"-- two." "Hey, Bilko, I just got this on the radio." "The pigeons landed at Camp Crofter." "(excited chatter)" "All right, all right." "Take it easy." "Pigeons left 0900, arrived 0917." "And the winner..." "Little Blue Wing, paying 660 to win, 330 to place," "210 to show." "I got it!" "Second:" "Speedy Sal, 220, 210." "220-- that's me." "And for third, Hurry Up Harry, paying 360 to show." "I got it." "All right, men." "Stand by for the daily double." "All right, police the area." "Okay, come on, Doberman." "Help me with this thing." "Hi, Ernie." "PAPARELLI:" "Hey, there's Rocco!" "(indistinct chatter)" "All right, quiet, quiet!" "Restricted you to quarters, huh?" "He gave me exactly..." "Hold it." "All right, now, all you men..." "all you men who are in the "How Many Days Will Corporal Barbella Restricted?" pool, get ready with your slips." "All right, what was your lucky number?" "I got 15 days." "15 is the lucky number." "15 on the nose!" "Pay him off." "(indistinct chatter)" "PALMER:" "Hey, come on, fellas!" "Let's go down to the canteen." "Come on, come on!" "Wait." "Hold up!" "What's going on here?" "On the double-- formation." "(barking orders)" "May I remind you men that you are still in the United States Army?" "What is this goofing off and wandering around?" "We got work to do!" "And just so much time to do it in." "On the ball!" "We've got a busy schedule." "Now, pay attention." "The finals in the gin rummy round-robin start at 2:00." "At 3:00, there will be a meeting of the Jacks or Better Literary Circle." "All bets on what color Lieutenant Doober's wife's hair will be this week must be in by 5:00." "Corporal Barbella will be outside of the post beauty shop and rush us the results." "The canasta tournament starts at 7:00 sharp, right after the bed-making contest." "And some platoons march!" "All right, watch with the military mya-mya-mya." "Take it easy!" "And Captain Wells." "Uh, Mrs. Whitney and Captain Whitney." "How do you do, Captain?" "How do you do?" "And now that we've all met the newest members of our post family," "Captain Whitney and, uh, his lovely wife... (chuckling) ...shall I call the meeting to order?" "Well, I, uh..." "I think we better wait for Bilko." "Oh, yes, I guess so." "We can't very well discuss, uh, gambling on the post without Sergeant Bilko present." "It's like having..." "it's like having a cabinet meeting without the president." "Really, John, Sergeant Bilko is the sweetest, most considerate young man" "that I..." "All right, Nell, he's just misunderstood." "But, Nell, let me tell you, if you... -(knock at door)" "Come in." "Colonel Hall." "Sorry I'm late, sir." "I was going over your orders of the day with my men." "I became so absorbed in them, I lost track of the time, sir." "I'm sure." "Welcome, Sergeant Bilko." "Oh, thank you, miss." "Colonel, you didn't tell me your daughter was visiting you for the weekend." "Here it comes." "(laughing):" "Oh, Sergeant!" "Oh!" "It's Mrs. Hall." "Oh, excuse me." "If you keep getting any younger... if you get any younger, we're going to lose you to a rookie." "All right, Bilko, let's get to work." "Thank you." "Oh, there you are, my..." "Oh, you make a sofa a throne." "That's what you do." "I call this meeting..." "Well!" "Mrs. Doober, whatever have you done to your hair?" "It's enchanting." "You're lovely." "What color is that?" "It's two-tone." "All bets are off." "Oh, I'm sor..." "I was just..." "All right." "Bilko." "Excuse me." "When are you going to get one of those Italian boy cuts and drive the post out of its mind?" "(laughing):" "Oh, I?" "But you are devastating..." "Uh, Bilko, please." "I'm sorry, sir." "I was just so, uh, carried away that..." "Excuse me." "I don't believe we've met." "Oh, Mrs. Whitney, this is Sergeant Bilko." "Oh, how do you?" "Well... (speaking mangled French):" "Vous a vous très charmante." "Oh, n'est pas joli?" "Oh, he's charming!" "Oh, they are lovely." "Uh, Bilko, please." "I'm sorry." "I'm just carried away." "When there's so much beauty, one forgets." "(Bilko and women laughing)" "Oh, you girls won't give us bachelors a chance, will you?" "You're lovely, you savages, you." "Bilko!" "I'm sorry, sir." "I call this meeting at the request of Captain Whitney." "Uh, he thinks that we'll be able to stop this hysterical wave of gambling that's gripping our post." "A wave of gambling, I may add, that is spearheaded by one mastermind." "MRS. WHITNEY:" "Well, who is this mastermind?" "Oh, excuse me, please, Colonel." "Would you mind saying that again?" "What?" "What?" "I mean, what you just said." "Well, who is this mastermind?" "Don't tell me" " I know." "(snaps fingers)" "The Broadway stage." "Am I right?" "I beg your pardon?" "You must have been on the stage." "Only one of the stage can speak with such authority," "such clarity of tone." "HALL:" "All right, Bilko." "Oh, excuse me-- this is important." "The Dramatic Club-- she's perfect for Camille." "Camille!" "Yes!" "She'd be splendid." "MRS. HALL:" "Yes!" "Camille!" "Ladies, please!" "Yes." "She's the one." "I know her." "Bilko!" "I'm sorry, sir." "I've seen you." "I've seen you many times." "(clears throat)" "Captain Whitney!" "Will you take over?" "(murmurs):" "Thank you, Colonel." "Glad to have you aboard, Captain." "Oh, Colonel, you do surround yourself with splendid men." "You certainly do." "(mouthing)" "Uh, I have found that men gamble as a substitute for other forms of recreation." "So, just give them something constructive to do," "like handicraft..." "(Nell cackling)" "Nell!" "Excuse me, sir." "Colonel, have you a wood, uh, working shop on the post?" "We had one." "The men worked like beavers for one week." "Really?" "What did they build?" "A crap table." "Yes, I was never so shocked in my entire life." "And in whose barracks did we discover it?" "Oh, my, what a lovely "anticamassar."" "Oh, isn't this lovely?" "Oh, lovely." "Don't... don't shock me again." "You didn't make this yourself..." "Oh!" "(indistinct chatter)" "Did she make it?" "She definitely has a green thumb." "HALL:" "Ladies!" "Green thumb." "Bilko!" "It's amazing what..." "Oh, excuse me." "I'm sorry." "Bilko, please." "Yes, sir." "(Whitney clears throat)" "My wife and I formed a successful project in, uh..." "Remember Camp Collins, Gloria?" "Oh, yes-- folk dancing." "The men loved it." "We tried that." "Uh, Mrs. Doober, uh, tell them what happened." "Somebody brought in hostesses and began charging ten cents a dance." "MRS. WHITNEY (gasps):" "Who could have done" "a thing like that?" "Won't you try some of Mrs. Hall's icebox cookies?" "You'll find them lovely." "Oh, well, thank you." "Don't mind if I do." "Aren't they delish?" "Oh, yes!" "Oh, what you can do with two eggs is amazing!" "Two eggs?" "!" "Oh, she's..." "Thumbs... her thumbs are definitely green. -(chatting)" "Ladies, please!" "Bilko!" "Why, she's a Paganini with a stove." "I believe that." "I saw..." "Bilko, this is a meeting!" "I'm sorry, sir." "Instead of talking about recipes, tell them about that bird-watchers club we formed for you men." "Oh, yes, it was a most exhilarating experience." "And very strange, too." "When anyone saw a bobolink, money changed hands." "Bobolink was three-to-one." "Uh, I mean, we were raising money to get a birdbath." "You see, the last thing we want on this post are dirty birds." "(laughing)" "You see how hopeless it is?" "Hopeless?" "(chuckles)" "Colonel... (chuckles)" "Gloria and I have faced tougher problems than this." "Remember, dear?" "Fort Greenstock." "Yes." "HALL:" "Oh, uh, tell us" "about it, Mrs. Whitney." "Oh, no, no, no." "Oh, yes, do tell us about it." "Oh, please." "Oh, you must." "We want it." "Please?" "Okay." "We want to hear you speak." "It'll be so enchanting." "Won't you, please?" "Oh, Captain, you are a lucky man." "Oh, I know where I saw her-- the movies." "I saw you in the movies." "Oh, now, Captain..." "I know it." "(laughing)" "Gloria." "(stops laughing) Yes." "Anyway, to begin with, you see, what happened was this..." "Ted simply just couldn't seem to get anywhere with any projects." "The men just weren't interested." "And then, I remembered a lecture I gave back in college" "Sarah Lawrence." "That's where I saw you." "It's a girls school." "Oh, I see." "Well, anyway... (chuckles) so, I-I made up this wonderful lecture, and it was all about Beethoven-- his life in music." "Went rather well." "Oh, Gloria, don't be modest." "It was a smashing success." "BILKO:" "Oh, it sounds enchanting, doesn't it, Colonel?" "Beethoven and all?" "I've given it 17 times since." "Wherever Ted's stationed, sooner or later they ask for it." "Sir, it can't miss." "Well, now, I don't know, uh..." "Well, we could schedule it in the recreation hall for Saturday night." "Yes, we could start the evening with a string quartet playing some of the more popular music, like, uh, Bartok and Stravinsky, and then Gloria takes the ball." "(laughs):" "Oh, Ted!" "Well, we'll have to see if the men will go for it." "Uh, uh, what do you think, Sergeant Bil..." "Bilko!" "Oh, yes." "Yes, it's a smash." "It can't miss, sir." "It's wonderful." "Stravinsky, Beethoven-- oh, it'll be glorious." "Unto my dying day, I must regret that I won't be there to see it." "You see, I'll be away on my furlough." "I am afraid not!" "Not, sir?" "Bilko, you're responsible for the gambling on this post, so I am going to hold you responsible to see that that house Saturday night is going to be full, that every seat is going to be filled." "Filled, sir, with Beethoven and Stravinsky?" "Get the men in on a night like..." "Quiet!" "You will get the tickets, and you will see that we have a full and responsive audience." "But, sir, my furlough, it's all arrang..." "Otherwise, you will not go on your furlough." "But the things are all arranged in New York-- the tickets for the planetarium, the museums." "MRS." "HALL:" "Aw..." "Oh, John, please." "You can understand." "And all the gifts I'm bringing back to dear..." "Nell, no!" "Please." "A full house." "Yes, sir." "And now that the meeting is over, uh, anybody for bridge?" "Splendid idea." "Yes." "Bridge, Sergeant Bilko?" "I'm afraid not, Mrs. Hall." "After all, it is a form of gambling, and, uh, I'll say good night." "(mouthing)" "John, if you'd just let Sergeant Bilko go on his furlough," "Nell!" "Please..." "I..." "Get the bridge tables." "Sergeant Bilko's got something to tell you guys." "(others talking)" "Ah, ah, I promised not to tell." "# La-la-la... #" "Good morning, men!" "OTHERS:" "Good morning, Sergeant Bilko." "Oh, you lucky guys." "Lucky, lucky men." "When I think of how I wrack my brain to think of little things for you guys." "Men, I got some tickets here." "Freeze." "Freeze, you commandos." "This is the way you react, huh?" "When I'm trying... well, if you want to know something, wise guys, these tickets are free!" "Free?" "Free?" "And that's a word" "I don't use so often." "What are they for, Sarge?" "What are they for?" "Gather round." "I don't want this to get around the post" "I'll be swamped for tickets." "Men, this Saturday night, one night only, in person, you're gonna see the hottest little (mumbles):" "string quartet" "you ever saw!" "Hottest little what?" "You're not kidding when you said "hottest little what?" boy." "Men, just the way you've always dreamed of them." "Sarge, I-I'll take a ticket!" "(others talking)" "What are we gonna see, Sarge?" "You're gonna see one of the greatest little (mumbles):" "string quartets you ever saw." "What did he say?" "I think he said, "string quartet."" "String quartet!" "(laughter)" "You see?" "You're having fun already." "Hey, well, wait a minute-- it is a string quartet." "Stravinsky!" "How about that, huh?" "!" "What is this Stravinsky?" "Jerk, that's Minsky-- he went back to his old name." "(Mullen mutters)" "Boys, this is-- how this ever got past the post censor," "I'll never understan..." "Some heads are gonna roll around here when they see this." "Boy..." "Hot stuff, huh, Bilko?" ""Mrs. Gloria Whitney will present her lecture on Beethoven."" "Yeah." "A lecture on Beethoven?" "I'd rather take shots." "Come here, come here!" "On the double!" "Here!" "Of course it says "lecture."" "They got to say "lecture."" "What it really is, is an exposé." "Exposé?" "Exposé." "Listen, listen, do I have to tell you?" "You've heard stories about the musicians in those days." "This Beethoven, ooh!" ""Hot Lips Beetie," they used to call him." "Boy, his private life story-- there was one thing about him." "In Heidelberg, there's a story, in the middle of a cantata, he was caught" "I blush when I think of it." "Aah!" "Are you kidding?" "This is nothing but long-hair music!" "Just for that, you can't go!" "Always suspicious-- if you gave him a dollar bill, he'd want to know, "Why is it green?"" "Beethoven!" "Stravinsky!" "Is he kidding?" "Uh, look, men, this is..." "(others grumbling)" "One big night with that long-hair stuff..." "Fellas?" "What are you...?" "Fella, you'll love it, if you..." "Sarge, I'd like to go." "All right." "(loud, lively jazz playing)" "# #" "(song ends)" "Did you set the record?" "Number six." "All set." "Here, here, this one's on me." "I wonder what..." "Hey!" "Look what they just got in!" "I've been waiting for this for months!" "Is it real gone?" "Number..." "Gone?" "It's so..." "It's the latest thing at the Birdland." "Wait'll you dig this." "(dark symphonic music playing)" "Murder, hah?" "Wow!" "Does this take off?" "Oh!" "That Beethoven, he really had a beat, man, didn't he?" "Oh, that's solid murder!" "What's that?" "Where can you hear music like that these days?" "Saturday night at the rec hall, that's where you can hear music like that!" "Now, would you like to...?" "(music stops)" "Come on, fellas, you'll love it." "If you come to the rec hall, you'll have a..." "Aw, fellas, remember, now, give me a break." "New York!" "Seymour Lamour is waiting..." "Sarge, anything but a lecture!" "There must be somebody that goes for Beethoven." "How about Mrs. Beethoven?" "Oh, stop with the jokes." "I got things to work out around here." "Hey, Bilko, how about a game of cards?" "Cards?" "Gambling?" "When there's a fine thing like a lecture?" "Men, you're all invited." ""Mrs. Whitney."" "No, thanks." "Mrs. Whitney?" "No kidding." "So the Twitch is on the post." "The Twitch?" "Yeah." "I caught her lecture up at Fort Bender." "Boy, did she twitch." "Like this." ""Ludwig van Beethoven..."" "twitch..." "(laughter)" "Oh, sure, I remember." "I saw her give that lecture in Manila." "Sure." "She must've tugged at her girdle 15 times." "15 times?" "You boys must've been asleep." "We took count up at Fort Bender." "For Beethoven, it's always the same:" "20 twitches." "PENDLETON:" "You're crazy!" "I seen that lecture five times." "She never twitched more than 15." "Look, don't tell me-- it's 20 twitches." "Grover, you were in Manila." "Did she ever twitch more than 15 times?" "Andy is right." "15 twitches is the limit!" "In... (stammers)" "I..." "It's 20 every time!" "Are you guys talking about the Twitch?" "Yeah." "What's your number?" "I seen her up at Fort Handler." "She went, uh, 22-- but it was a hot night." "You're out of your mind!" "She never twitched more than 15." "What are you talk..." "15?" "15?" "She twitches more than that before she even gets up to talk." "I was there!" "15 twitches!" "You were there?" "20..." "(clamoring)" "Wait, wait, wait, wait, hold it!" "You want to bet him?" "Bet him $20 you're right." "PENDLETON:" "Yeah!" "GROVER:" "I'll take half!" "You'll take half?" "Take..." "You want to bet on this?" "You bet him." "(others talking)" "You want to..." "you want to raise the bet?" "Yeah, I'll bet!" "Raise the bet!" "Cover both of 'em?" "Yeah, all right." "Wait, wait, wait, wait." "Why don't we do it right?" "Let's have a pool." "A pool!" "(clamoring)" "See Hensh." "Now, wait a minute, wait a minute." "Now, one thing you're aware of," "I'll be the only guy at the lecture." "Oh..." "You take my word for it, don't you?" "Oh, that will be the day." "Give me 30 tickets." "30 tickets." "I'm taking my whole platoon." "Give me 25..." "Sarge, hey, Sarge, you got any more tickets?" "Oh, you must be kidding." "Oh, a friend of mine's coming up from Chicago." "He's dying to see the Twitch." "Are you kidding?" "There was a guy from Company A got sick, went to the infirmary, sold his ticket for 12 bucks." "Hold everything." "30 bucks more on 15 twitches." "My whole platoon chipped in." "We got too much money on 15?" "No, not much." "Hey, this is getting hot." "I just got a radiogram from Tokyo." ""$40 on 14 twitches."" "$40." "You got the loot?" "Yeah." "All right." "Did you get in touch with Manila, get all the information when she broke the record with 26 twitches?" "I want to get all the information I can." "Yeah, they said it was a murderously hot night." "Half the twitches were mosquitoes." "Ah." "Well, I want everything I can learn about it." "You know something, this is getting a little out of hand." "Well, you know, uh, the boys in Germany," "in the Signal Corps?" "Yeah?" "They all chipped in, and they want to put a hundred bucks on 18 twitches, and they're sending it by plane." "Have we got enough on 18?" "Well, you lay out yours." "All right, here, cover the boys from Berlin for me." "This is getting miraculous!" "You know what happened?" "Four busloads from a camp in Arizona came in." "Two guys hitchhiked from Texas on their furlough!" "(laughter)" "This is gonna be the night!" "I hope Mrs. Whitney's in good form." "I hope so, too-- she's got more money riding on her than on the Kentucky Derby!" "(laughter)" "Keep it moving, keep it moving." "(clamoring)" "Find your seats." "Take your hats off!" "You guys with your hats off!" "Fellas, come on, keep it moving." "Find room, anyplace in the hall!" "Get spread out, spread out!" "Give everybody a chance!" "Hold it!" "Sorry, boys, the fire laws." "No more room-- go outside and look through the window." "I don't understand it-- they didn't turn out like this for Marilyn Monroe." "Well, I told you, Colonel, there's a thirst for culture which cannot be denied." "(chuckles):" "But I must admit that... it's a bit of a new high, even for Gloria." "Oh, now." "Well, we'd better get started." "Where's Sergeant Bilko?" "(Mrs. Hall giggling)" "Bilko!" "We'd better get started, sir, don't you think?" "Yes." "Yes, all right, sir, well, if you'll just take your seats." "All right, men, simmer down." "This is it, men." "This is what we've been waiting for." "And you know who we can thank for this great evening of entertainment-- our beloved C.O., and in my book, he's C.O. of the Year!" "And I know you want to meet him and show him how you feel about him." "Here he is, Colonel J.T. Hall!" "Come on!" "Don't be nervous, Colonel, they're gonna love you." "Good evening, music lovers." "Now, I'd like to introduce, uh, Mrs. Gloria Whitney, who will speak to us on the subject of Beethoven... (loud cheering)" "(laughs):" "Thank you, thank you." "Well, now." "(clears throat)" "Ludwig van Beethoven was born in the little town of Bonn, Germany, in the year 1770." "MEN:" "One." "Oh, no, not 1771-- 1770." "(chuckles)" "Little did Ludwig's family realize what the future held in store for him." "MEN:" "Two." "At the age of 15, he developed, uh, so rapidly, and all sorts of things in improvisation, including the violin and the, uh... the piano." "Yes." "MEN:" "Three." "GLORIA:" "...tell you that his..." "And that was the sixth tug, and she's not even breathing hard." "You boys in Manila would be proud of her." "And to all of you camps who just joined the network," "she started out free and easy." "(Gloria continues indistinctly)" "Whoops!" "There goes tug number seven!" "Fellas, this gal is really doing it free and easy, and she's wonderful..." "Camp Baxter to all points, off the air!" "GLORIA:" "...never be forgotten." "Never." "MEN:" "Eight." "GLORIA:" "All the years Ludwig van Beethoven had really left behind him a musical heritage that will always be remembered by music lovers the world over." "MEN:" "24." "Thank you." "MEN:" "25!" "25!" "A new indoor record!" "(excited shouts, cheers)" "Oh, magnificent, Mrs. Whitney." "I cried like a baby." "(laughing):" "Oh, oh...!" "Won't you give the boys some autographs?" "Oh, I'd love to!" "Wasn't it great, Colonel?" "Be in my office first thing in the morning!" "Yes, sir." "Shame." "But, Colonel, you wanted a full house." "We got this thing up so as to stop gambling!" "And we didn't want to start another Belmont Park!" "Bilko, you should be ashamed of yourself, betting on a thing like that." "If you expect to get a furlough, you better forget it." "Oh, sir, I forgot about the furlough." "This is too big." "Oh, I'm gonna follow this up-- Lieutenant Wigman." "You're what?" "Lieutenant Wigman is gonna lecture next week on modern painting." "I think his subject is "The Passion of Picasso."" "Bilko... are you kidding me?" "Kidding?" "No, sir..." "You think this is a full house?" "Wait'll you see next week." "I'm gonna have the tickets printed now." "Excuse me, sir." "HALL:" "Lieutenant?" "Lieutenant Wigman?" "Yes, sir?" "Did you tell B-Bilko that you were gonna make a lecture next week?" "Oh, yes, sir." "And he assured me that the men will love it." "As you see, sir..." "I have an idea that... there are certain periods in... the life of Picasso... that particularly connect..." "Excuse me, excuse me." "Bilko!" "ANNOUNCER:" "Mrs. Whitney was played by Charlotte Rae," "Mrs. Hall by Hope Sansbury."