"Ladies and gentlemen, good evening." "Hoping to meet with your approval, Lux film has decided to save you, just for a change, the boring reading of the film's credits." "You want to start right away?" "No!" "A brief presentation... of the actors is essential." "It's vital!" "It's necessary." "This is Totò, in other words, me." "This is the lovely Sonia played by Yvonne Sanson." "Here we have Marisa Merlini in the role of Baroness von Krapfen." "Alda Mangini, a Brazilian todo fuego." "Laura Gore playing my wife." "Mario Castellani, my loyal travelling companion." "Nerio Bernardi, Galeazzo Benti." "Pina Gallini as my mother-in-law with young Lino Robi, my brother-in-law." "Stop!" "If you're interested in the rest, you can read them at the end." "Oh, how foolish!" "I was forgetting the most important thing." "The title of the film." "You already know it? "Emperor of Capri"." "Sorry!" "The Emperor." "Hail, Tiberius, Emperor of Capri." "Hail." "Welcome to the isle of love." " Hail, Tiberius, valorous Emperor." " Hail." "Here are the slaves for your orgies in Capri." " What?" "They're not black?" " Did you want black ones, Emperor?" " Of course." "I'm in mourning." " In mourning, Emperor?" "Didn't you know?" "I had my wife killed this morning." "From now on, only black slaves." " What a gentle touch!" " For now, I'll make do with these." " Where does she come from?" " Greece." " Ancient?" " Yes, from Ancient Greece." "No, you've misunderstood me." "I said "ancient" because the girl looks weary to me." "I prefer my women plump and full of life." "Understood?" "You must eat more, my girl." " Where does she come from?" " She's Helen's sister." " Who is this Helen?" " Helen of Troy." "Troy?" "Troy?" "That name sounds familiar." "I knew it!" "Auf Wiedersehen." "These two look alike." "Who are they?" "They're twins." "They come from Siam." "They're Siamese" "Siamese?" "If they're Siamese, something's not quite right." "How silly I am!" "Excuse me." " What are you doing?" " I'm joining them." "And this girl here... who is she?" " This is the Slav." " The Slav?" "By Jove... and by Jupiter." "What's your name, little girl?" " Sonia." " Sonia?" " I'm the girl of your dreams," " And she..." "Sure!" "Come with me." "I'll show you the splendors of this enchanting island, the isle of dreams, Capri." "Leave me alone with her." "Out of here, all of you!" "Come with me." "I'll show her around." "You see, Sonia?" "We're in Capri." "The isle of dreams and love." "See that down there?" "The Fariglioni On that side is the Blue Grotto." "And there's no one around." "You've taken the words out of my mouth." "Kiss me!" "How lovely it is here!" "Listen, Tiberius, can't you feel something?" "Yes, I can." "A mosquito." "Now it's gone." "No, Tiberius." "Listen to the sirens' voices." " I am listening to them, but..." " Listen to the sirens' voices." " I can hear them, but..." " Listen to the sirens." " I can hear them, but..." " Can't you hear the sirens?" " Yes, I can but I'd like to..." " Can't you hear the sirens?" " Yes, I can but I'd like to..." " It's 8 o'clock." " Can't you hear the sirens?" " Yes, but let me give you a hug." "Let me embrace you." "Let me kiss you, you temptress!" "What are you saying?" "What's gotten into you?" "It's 8 o' clock." " What time is it?" " 8 o'clock." "What a disappointment!" "I dreamt I was in Capri." " You're depraved." " Why?" "What have I done?" "Mom, don't keep picking on Antonio." " He dreamt Capri." "The Underworld!" " It's no Underworld." "It's Paradise!" "The paradise of the depraved, of rakes, of sinners like you." " Get up and go to Confession." " I haven't committed any sins." "You had a lustful dream." "You ate meat on a Friday." " That's not true." " You were seen." "You were in a café eating a ham sandwich." " Then you had me followed." " No one followed you." " Word got back to us." "Get up!" " No." " Get up!" " No!" "I'm telling you nicely." "Get up." "All right." "Using a nice manner, one can get one's own way." "I'm getting up." " He went to bed dressed again." " Shame on you!" "Time is money." "What's the point of undressing at night if you have to dress again in the morning?" "Come on, Lucia." "This sinner's presence saddens me." "Imagine how much yours cheers me up." " Hi, brother-in-law!" " Hello, mini-brother-in-law." "Was the ham sandwich tasty?" " So it was you!" "You rotten kid!" " Stop it, Antonio!" "I didn't even touch him, I swear." "You rascal!" "I'll wait for you and give you a swollen face." " Stupid..." " Stop picking on this innocent boy." " Innocent?" "Innocent?" "He's a spy." " I'm not a spy." " I'm watching over your soul." " Basilio is right." " Your soul is in danger." " It isn't my soul that's in danger." "It's my milk." "Is that clear?" "Can we never have a moment's peace in this house?" "It's all your fault for having married a waiter." "Even if I'm a waiter, I feel more a gentleman than those I wait on." " Goodbye." " Don't take offense, Antonio." " Bye." " Mom!" "Mom!" "Antonio kissed Lucia." " Can't I kiss my wife?" " No, because she's doing a penance." "A penance?" "What penance?" "Do you remember when Basilio fell ill?" "I do!" "And he didn't die." "So he'd get better, I swore not to kiss you for a month." "Really?" "Really?" "It's all your fault." "Very well, I'll go to Confession." "I'll admit everything." "That I ate ham on a Friday, that I dreamt of Capri, that I kissed my wife and also that I threw jam in my brother-in-law's face." " When?" " Now!" "Mom!" "Sonia?" "We're finally going to strike it rich." "I'm fed up of your follies." " I'm tired of keeping you." " Don't say such silly things." "I've set up the biggest deal of your life." "The Bey Kahn of Agapur will be here shortly." "He's an Indian prince and the richest man in the world." "Imagine, each year he receives his own weight in diamonds." " I don't know him" " But he knows you." "He met you at the Rowing Club ball." "He has fallen in love with you." "Besides, honey, you won't have to marry him." "A very brief engagement will do." "You break it off and he'll pay you damages." "Then we'll leave for the French Riviera." " I assure you that this time..." " There won't be a this time!" "Listen to her!" "You're not a material girl." "Do you want to become rich or not?" "No, I don't." " Look at me, doll." " I don't want to look at you." "Look at me, I tell you!" " No!" "Like that!" "There we are!" "Now, you'll obey me." "Listen!" "A dark-haired, fascinating, thin young man will arrive shortly." "He'll be wearing a large amethyst ring." "Thin, dark-haired..." "Amethyst." "You'll tell him you've always wanted to me him, despite the great distance keeping you apart." "You'll say to him:" "Kiss me with your burning lips." "Kiss me with your burning lips." "You'll invite him to Capri telling him..." "Come in." "To be or not to be, that is the question." "Are you sure this is that's the question?" " It is, according to Shakespeare." " I think the burning question is how you'll pay your bill, otherwise the hotel will throw you out." "That's true." "And to think that if I didn't have a lisp, I'd be..." " the greatest actor of the century." " What do you have?" " A lisp." " What's a lisp?" " I can't pronounce "S" properly." "In theatrical circles, it's a real problem." "And with this lisp, you're an actor?" " Change jobs!" "Take my advice." " You may well joke!" "I'm a very classy actor." "Look, this is my wardrobe." "I'm unemployed right now so I'll have to sell these suits or rent them to a novice actor with no decent clothes." " And no lisp!" " Right!" " There's more." "Look at my shoes." " My goodness!" "What a lot you've had thrown at you!" " Don't make fun of me." " I've everything... even these." " Jewels!" "You've a real treasure chest!" "And you say you're penniless!" "How lovely!" "Very classy!" " I wonder how much it's worth?" " It's worth 10 liras." "I wear in "The Cardinal" when I say: "An anathema be on you!"" "On me?" "What have I done to you?" "It's a line spoken by the cardinal." "I say it waving my hand about." "You should see how it shines." "It looks real, doesn't it?" "Yes, it does," " Well, I'll be off, now." " What about the ring?" " I'll keep it as a tip." " Very well." " Without a lisp." "Someone's knocked." "Go and let them in." "Come in!" "Dark-haired, fascinating, with an amethyst ring." "It's him!" " I love you." " Me?" "I've always dreamt of being yours, despite the distance between us." "Madam, if it's a question of distance, I can shorten it." " I love and desire you." " Do you think I don't?" "Kiss me with your burning lips." " Aren't you going to kiss me?" " But of course." "Every client's wish is an order." "May I?" " Are you satisfied, Madam?" " Your kisses excite me." " I know!" "I know!" " I want you!" " Don't be shy." "Help yourself." " No!" "Not here." " Let's go into the bedroom." " No, not here." "In Capri." " I can't do it here." " Capri?" "Yes, Capri." "It's the only place I can forget what you are and what you do." "There, you can be truly mine." "Excuse me, but is this trip to Capri really necessary?" " It is." " Lf it's necessary, so be it." " Will you come?" " Of course!" "Thank you!" "See you this evening in Capri, at the hotel Quisisana." " Quisisana." " Get ready and leave immediately." " But I'd like to..." " Go!" "Your Excellency, what's happened?" "What kind of a hotel is this?" "This is a disgrace!" "What have you done now, you troublemaker?" "You're fired." "The timing of this dismissal is perfect." " Hello?" " Who's speaking?" " It's me, Antonio." " Did you go to Confession?" "Yes, I went to Confession." "I must say 3 Our Fathers, 2 Hail Marys and 4 De Profundis, but only 2 out loud." " Go and call your sister." " What do you want from her?" " I have to tell her I'm leaving." " You are?" "Where are you going?" "To Salerno." "What's it to you?" "What are you going to do in Salerno?" "I'm going to replace a colleague of mine who's dying." " It's not true." "It's a lie." " Go to hell!" "You'll go to hell." "I'll go to heaven and from up there I'll spit on your head." "Really?" "Really?" "In that case," " I've something to say to you." " What?" " Listen!" "You'll pay for this." "And woe betide you if you've told a lie." " Mom, I'm going out for a moment." " Run along, honey." "My clothes being worn by a waiter!" "To what depths have I sunk!" "Don't cross your legs." "You'll make the knees go baggy." " You need to calm down." " What are you doing?" "Don't blow your nose on the handkerchief given me by Benassi." "Did I or did I not pay your hotel tab in exchange for the loan of these clothes?" " Meaning?" "You must get out, understood?" "I'll see you when I get back." "Who'd look after my clothes?" "I'm coming to Capri with you." " You're a fool." " I'm no fool." " Of one of us is a fool, it's you." " Me?" " Yes." " Why?" "You'll be paying our expenses in Capri with your severance pay." "Mamma!" "Lucia!" "If you knew where Antonio has gone!" "What's Antonio up to now?" "Where's he gone?" "Guess where he's gone." " Where?" " To Capri." " Is this the one for Capri?" " Yes, it's going to Capri." " You can't go on board." " Why?" " Because there's a strike." " A strike?" "I'm not on strike." "I'm in the free workers' union." "Excuse me." "No way!" "No one's leaving till the strike ends, is that clear?" "What a nuisance!" "Who prompted this strike?" " Scab!" " You're calling me a scab?" "Bully!" "There's nothing we can do, Antonio." "Stay calm!" "Desist!" "I won't stay calm." "I insist!" "I forbid you to fight." "You're wearing my clothes." "What a hunk of a man!" " Let's go, Antonio." " I didn't hit him." "I felt sorry." "You rude oaf!" "You caveman!" "Is that how you boost tourism?" "Poor me!" "What a nuisance that strike is!" "I must be in Capri this evening even if I have to swim there." " I won't allow you to swim there." " Why not?" "You'll get my clothes wet." "Where are you going?" " Look at the sign." " What about it?" " Supposing we rented a motorboat?" " Do as you wish." " You're paying." " Let's take this one." "You're nuts!" "Let's take this one." "Look!" "It's more chic." "It's classier." "That one's shabby." " Is it third class?" " Can't you see it's all dirty?" "This one's nicer and more elegant." "The other one's shabby." "It's falling to pieces." " Let's take this one." "Anyway..." " I'm paying." "There's no one here." "Sailor?" "Boatswain?" "Sound the horn." "Someone will come." "Oh, Lord!" "I've switched it on!" " Stop it!" " How?" "It's moving on its own." " Pull the other one." " Call the firefighters!" " Isn't that..." " That's our motorboat!" " Call them back!" " Stop them!" "Stop them!" "Find another launch!" "Hurry!" " There they are!" " It's scandalous!" "The Divine Omir!" "They've stolen the Divine Omir." " What, Your Excellency?" " The sacred snake of the Ganges." "Get rid of this noise." "It's deafening." "It won't stop." " This is a hard boat to steer." " Slow down!" "Believe me!" "I'm a cyclist." "Help!" "Every man for himself!" " Ouch!" " What a mess!" "My head!" "Why are you brushing?" "Can't you see I hurt myself?" "Ah!" "Land ahead!" "Good Lord!" "We're in America!" " America my eye!" " Aren't they the Canary Islands?" "That's Capri, the isle of dreams." "Capri?" "The isle of dreams?" "Sonia!" "Sonia!" "Sonia, I'll be seeing you soon, my love." " How will we land?" " Stay calm!" "Don't worry!" " Didn't I tell you I'm a cyclist?" " Yes, you did." " Sonia!" "Capri!" " Who is that madman?" "He must be the Bey Kahn of Agapur." "That's his motorboat." "I can't stop it." "Let's go around the island." "The fuel'll run out." "Sound the horn!" "Have we gotten through?" " Are we in heaven or hell?" " Neither!" "We're in the Small Bay." "It's amazing how some people drive, Emanuela, but that's Bubi." "No, it's Dodo with Pupetto." "He's wearing a turban." "It's the Bey Kahn of Agapur." "The richest man in the world is arriving." "My heart is aflutter!" " What a fascinating man!" " He's waving to us." " Hello!" " Out of the way!" "Out of the way!" "Move over!" "Go to the right!" " I think he's calling us." "Let's go." " Yes." "Help!" "Hurry!" "I'm going to drown." "At last!" "A bit of quiet!" " Fine but what'll we do now?" " We'll find something, you'll see." " Easier said than done!" "Is there no one here?" "Is it a desert island?" "Anyone around?" "Island dwellers!" "Inhabitants!" "Locals!" "Come on!" "Spill the beans!" "We are expecting him, but so far he hasn't arrived." " Porter." "Hs the Bey arrived?" " No!" "He's such a strange man." "I wonder where he's gotten to?" "Let's stop here." "We must find" " someone who'll go get our baggage." " OK, let's stop here." " I have something to tell you." " What is it?" "This will be my first affair with a classy dame." " What's the problem?" " I don't know how to behave." " It's obvious." " What?" " It's obvious." " No, no, it's a woman." " It's just an expression." "She may well be just a woman, but she's a woman." "What a dame!" " She's a Slave, isn't she?" " Yes." "They're women to be treated with a whip in one hand and a rose in the other." "With both hands occupied, how will I manage?" "I mean you must be brutal and romantic at the same time." "Like this." "Look!" "I'm you, you're her." "Got it?" " Yes." " I, as you, am arriving." "You, as her, are waiting." " Like this?" " Perfect!" "I arrive." "Oh, my dear!" " I'd been waiting for you so long." " Lf only you knew how many hours I'd been waiting for you." " I get it." "Now, let's start the scene over, but you're you and I'm her." " I'm you and you're her?" " No, you're you." " I'm me." " I'm her." " Is that you, honey?" " Oh, you're here, at last!" "If you knew how much I've dreamt of you!" "Why are you lisping?" " You told me to talk like you." " You have to talk normally." " But you have a lisp." " So what?" "I do but you don't." " Speak normally." " What do I do now?" "Now, you kiss me on my neck, on my lips, on my tapered hands." " Wherever you like, darling." " Cut it out!" "Shame on you!" "You've misunderstood." "You're not kissing me, you're kissing her." " Earlier, you said I was her." " Yes, earlier." "But now I'm her." " So, who am I?" " You're the devil." " What?" " I recognized you from your... slothful ways." "You're the devil." "You have a tail." "No, I don't." " I can't see one." "Can you?" " No." "Who is this man?" "He must be the Count of Monte Cristo." "What do I know?" "Let's go." "No!" "Only over my dead body." "No, my friend." "It'd smell too much." "Out of the way!" "No, you'll never reach Capri, the modern-day Sodom and Gomorrah." " Who is he?" " A madman." "Comply with his wishes." " One must do that with mad people." " You're right." "The time has come." " Yes, sir." "The time has come." " You sinners, repent!" "Repent Bey Kahn of Agapur." " Yes, sir." "What's the time?" " It must be one o'clock." "At 2.30 I'll go and repent." "Don't worry, Count, I'll repent." " My greetings to the island." " The Day of Judgment is at hand!" " Sinners!" " Maestro, may I take your photo?" "Certainly." "Like this?" " Thank you, Maestro." " You, prince of rakes, will pay for your sins burning in hell." " Who is this madman?" " He thinks he's the prophet Jeremiah." "He says he was born 3,000 years ago." "He looks good for a 3,000 year old." "May I?" " Shall we take a photo, Grandpa?" " Yes." "Like this?" "No, take a step back." "Another step." "One more." "(GEREMIA URLA)" "What have you done?" "He said he's 3,000 years old." "He needed a bath." "Help!" "Come and save me!" "There he is!" "It's him." " Welcome, Your Excellency." " We were expecting you." "Excuse me, Your Excellency, I'm the manager of the hotel." " What language is he speaking?" " The Capri dialect." "Can't you tell?" "You're very witty." "I didn't know your Italian was so good." "You know how it is." "I get by." " This way, Your Highness." " Thank you." " Give the porter a tip." " Right!" " Here, my good man." "Take this." " Thank you, Your Excellency." "You're welcome." "Let's go." "Did you see that?" "He gave him a diamond as big as a walnut." " Welcome to our hotel." " Thank you." "I'm welcome." "I'd like a room for myself and Asdrubale, my secretary." "Certainly, sir." "The royal suite is available." " Oh!" "Not doing much business, eh?" " Excuse me?" "Don't worry." "I understood." "They're in crisis." " Just a room." " Just a room?" " Maybe wants to remain incognito." " Would you please sign in?" "Antonio De Fazio." "Fine!" "Welcome, Mr. De Fazio." "Accompany to room 62 Mr. Antonio De Fazio." "Listen, Mr. De Fazio, I mean Mr. Whatever, has Miss Sonia Bulgarov arrived?" "Yes, sir, and she's awaiting you." " She's awaiting me?" " In the room next to yours." " Really?" "She's upstairs?" " Lf you'd care to go on up, sir." "Thank you." "Goodbye." " Mr. De Fazio." " Mr De Fazio." " Mr. De Fazio." " Mr De Fazio." "Mr. De Fazio." " There's a snake inside!" " How cute!" " I wonder what its name is?" " Close that case immediately!" "Listen, can you see the bump?" "No, you can't see anything." "Come in." " Where are you going?" " To her." " Like that?" " You're right!" "How silly of me!" "Bring me a suit immediately." "I'm burning with desire." "I can already feel the Capri air." "Capri!" " He's here." " Who?" "The man I love." "The Bey Kahn of Agapur." "Let me see." " The man opposite?" " Yes, that's him." "What have you been up to?" "I know the Bey." "That's not him." "But he's the one who came into my room that day." " He's the one I was awaiting." " You wretch!" "Enough!" "Look at me." "Remember the tactics to use with this kind of woman." " Leave it up to me." " A rose in one hand," " a whip in the other." " In which hand the whip?" "It doesn't matter." " Left or right," " it's all the same." " Really?" "The rose and the whip." "As soon as he comes in, you'll kick him out like a dog." "Got that?" "Like this!" "Like this!" "Like this!" "Stand up." "I'll kick him out like a dog." "Now, don't forget, the rose in one hand and the whip in the other." "Leave it to me." "Come in." "No!" "What are you doing?" "Help!" "Someone, help!" "I don't understand." "Didn't you go in with the whip in one hand and the rose in the other?" "Yes, but the problem is that she had a whip too." "Ouch!" "Ouch!" "But you told me she was wild about you." "She's wild alright, like a wild animal." "Ouch!" "A wild animal!" "A fury!" " Is this your first trip to Capri?" " Why do you ask?" "You've already come down with blue fever." "Blue fever?" "Is there an epidemic?" "I'll have to get vaccinated." "No! "Blue fever", Capri air, is also called "Capri folly"." "It's an illusion." "The senses get over-stimulated by air and the sun." "For example, it make you see Sonia with a whip in her hand." "It made me see?" "It made me feel." "It doesn't matter." "Take a shower, refresh your brain and it'll pass." " Really?" " Then give me some almond soap." " What'll you do with it?" " You just need to freshen up." " Seeing that I'm going to wash..." "I usually take a bath at Easter, but as I said, seeing that I'm going to wash..." " Where's the soap?" " In the crocodile case." "Just a thought!" "Listen Asdrubale, I could just take a foot bath." " Do as you please." " Very well." "I shall." " There's no soap in here." " Here's the soap." "Which case did you open?" "Blue fever." "I wonder!" "How beautiful and poetic everything is here, Antonio." "If I had to choose a place to die, I'd choose this island." "Then hurry up so you can leave me your clothes." "You hurry up and refresh your brain." "That woman really did have a whip." "Is there no water?" "It's a snake!" "Help!" "There's a snake in there." "It's disgusting." "A snake?" "Don't talk nonsense." "No, really!" "I saw it." "I touched it." "I picked it up." "It was slimy." "There's no snake!" "It must have been the shower hose." " It wasn't the shower hose." " You have blue fever!" " No, I touched it." " There's no snake in there." "Of course." "I threw it over there." "How disgusting!" "There's nothing here either." "Take my word for it." " It was there earlier." " Listen, do you want my advice?" "Order a cognac and one for me too." " Will it do me good?" " Most certainly." "Do I need it?" "What a fright!" "Hello?" "Hello?" "Operator?" "The snake!" "The snake was there!" " What's the matter?" " The snake was on the telephone," " Blue fever." " I threw it out the window." "Come and see." "There it is." "Look at it." "I don't see it." "If you'd thrown it down, it would be there." " But I did throw it down there." " Let's go out for a nice walks." " Give me 300 lire." " Do they charge for taking a walk?" "No, but for cigarettes they do." "We'll meet up at the small marina." " Do you keep your money in a hat?" " Well, I'm a man of the world." " I was in the army at Cuneo." " What odd ideas you have!" " Good morning." " Have a nice day, Mr. De Fazio." "Good morning, Mr. De Fazio." "Hello!" "What's it called?" " What?" " What you have on your head." " This?" " Yes." " It's a Borsellino." " Very funny!" "I see you're quick-witted." "My congratulations." "Stop playing the wiseacre and go and take your hen for a walk." "One wisecrack after another!" "I'm Dodo della Baggina, the snob of Capri and, naturally, Anacapri." "How do you do?" "Antonio De Fazio, son of Pietro." "Christian Democrat." "No good trying to act tough." "Class will out, Mr. De Fazio." "Mr. De Fazio?" "Mr. De Fazio?" " It's a lovely spot, isn't it?" " Yes, but it's full of ma people." "Imagine, just now I met a man carrying a hen under his arm." "It's as if I were to carry a snake on my head." " Guys!" "Listen up!" "Guys!" " What's up, Dodo?" " Just look at him!" " Who?" " The Bey, alias De Fazio." "I met him just now with a snake wound around his hat." " Could it be poisonous?" " No, it's tame and wiggles its tail." " Divine!" "As soon as he arrived, he started a new fashion." "Antonio, you must get rid of that snake." " I'd already forgotten about it." " You still have it on your noggin." " I assure you I've gotten over it." " Take off your hat." " Blue fever!" " Take off your hat!" "Go and take a shower." "Better still, have a cognac." " Take off your hat." " What's the problem?" "The snake!" "Help!" " Your money's in the hat." " My money?" "St. Gennaro!" "What's he doing?" "What fun swimming with your clothes on!" "Help!" "Help!" "I can't swim!" "Aiutami!" " Shall we copy them?" " It's the latest fad!" "I must tell the baroness about it." " Come on, guys!" " Hurry and get dressed!" " Did you see that, Baroness?" " What?" "Look!" "The Bey is swimming with his clothes on." "Look at the Bey!" "Carramba!" "How I like that Asian!" "Wait for me!" "Hurry!" "My handbag!" "I like that Asian." "He has such a strong sense of the macabre." "It puts everything else in the shade." "I want him tonight." "I'll make a sacrifice on the altar of love." "Are you coming, Bubi?" "We can't be left out." " Just a moment." " The Baroness is expecting us." "I'm nearly ready." "I'll be out in a minute." "She's one of the most beautiful women in Capri." "She's a little eccentric but beautiful." "It'll be a memorable evening." "Here I am!" "Why are you dressed like that?" "What on earth are you wearing?" " What's that thing on your head?" " I'm dressed Capri-style, like all the carefree young men." "Don't tell me you're coming dressed like that." " You'll show me up." " I can't dress up like that." " I'm a serious actor." " That's why you're flat broke." "Nowadays, to leave your mark, you have to be eccentric, futile." " You must "futilize" yourself." " I can't." " Take my advice." "Futilize yourself." " I can't." "I'll "futilize" you." "Come on!" "Let yourself be futilized." "Stop!" "This must be the place." " But this is the cemetery." " No, this is her house." " Are you sure?" "Go on ahead." " Why?" " I'm scared." " Scared of what, silly?" "Did you hear that?" "The toll of the death knell." "Look!" "They've opened the door." "Go on!" "Enter!" " Come in with me." " All right." " Come in with me." " I'm right behind you." "I told you we'd come to the wrong place." "This is a family tomb." " No it's not." " Help!" "Oh, Lord, what a fright!" "This is Baroness von Krapfen's villa." " Sure it is!" "Who are you?" " I'm the butler." " I took you for a ghost." " May I?" "Your cap." " Your bag." " My bag?" "Here!" " It's a little dark here, isn't it?" " You want more light?" "Right away." "I've an idea." "Let's leave now." "We'll come back tomorrow." " Right!" "Tomorrow!" " No, gentlemen, you can't." "The Baroness is expecting you now." " Yes, sir." " Unfortunately." "Unfortunately." "After you." " He's left us alone." " Darn it!" " He's closed us in." " We're buried alive." "Do you remember how he opened the door?" "Let's try the same method." "Help!" "That skull is looking at me." " Oh, Lord!" "It scares me." " Proceed without fear." "Death is sweet and the hereafter is lovely." "Proceed!" "Did you hear that?" "He told us to proceed." " Shall we?" " They say never contract spirits." " Never!" " Let's proceed." "Stay there!" "Down there!" "Look!" "We're free!" "That was a tomb, this is a mortuary." "Look!" "The door's closing!" " We're closed in again." " Let's try that one." "There's another one." "Who's this?" "Salome." "She moves!" "Welcome to the villa of the death of love." " Good morning, madam." " I designed and built it myself." "My condolences, I mean congratulations." " Do you like it?" " Quite a lot." "It's cheerful, but it's also a little out of the way." "Right!" "It's the last house in Capri." "I chose it on purpose." "I wanted it to be a last resting place." "Why didn't you come alone?" "He asked me to come with him." "As it's a last resting place, one must be accompanied." "But I see I'm no longer needed so I'll be off." " Thank you." " Don't leave me here alone." "Remember me in your prayers." " Make yourself comfortable." " Where?" "In the cemetery?" " No!" "There." " I see." "Thank you." "I see you like my dinner set." "It would be suitable for after a funeral." "At all times, even those devoted to pleasure," "I like to remember that death is always present." "It's the only way for me to understand and enjoy life." "Is he a waiter or an X-ray of one?" " Dinner is served, sir." " It's just one course which I prepared personally." "I hope you like it." "What is it, a boiled corpse?" "Roast owl with a side dish of cypress berries." "No thanks!" "I don't want to eat owl." "I really don't fancy it." "I suggest we move over to the other side." "With pleasure!" "Come over there." " Do come in, dear." " It's more cheerful in here." "It's like a young girl's funeral." " We'll love each other here." " Really?" "We'll love each other to death and beyond." " Let's not overdo it!" " I'm leaving." " Where are you going?" " To prepare for the sacrifice." "The sacrifice will be all mine." "In there you'll find everything you need for the night." "Pray for us." "Oh, Lord!" "The good death!" "That woman will never be yours." " That woman is mine." "I love her." " Help!" "My condolences, I mean congratulations." " Leave!" " How do I get out?" " Through the window." " Hurry, before it's too late." " All right!" " Jump!" " It's a long way down." " That doesn't matter." " I'll get killed." " That's just what I want." " Turn around." " No!" "Yes." " I'll blow your brains out." " Help!" "Jump!" "What a scare I got!" "There, in the pampas, where the sun scorches the earth," "Like a flame, love burns my heart." "In my veins, blood flows like hot like the sun," "You can satisfy the love I feel for you only with your kissed." "I wait for you in vain at twilight, among a thousand smoldering fires." "I don't hear the sound of your horse's hoofs," "There, in the pampas, when the moon shines in the sky, there is no star that can lead you to me." "There, in the pampas, when the moon shines in the sky, there is no star that can lead you to me." " I knew you'd come." " Really?" "I didn't." " Then it's true." " What's true?" "That you'd go to any lengths to win over a woman you like." " Well, you know..." " So, you like me?" "Yes, I do." "Tell me something." "Do you, by any chance, love death?" "No, I love life." "And how!" "You're right." "Things are beginning to look up." "Unfortunately, my husband has a different mentality." " Your husband?" " He's Portuguese." " He's what?" " Portuguese." " Then don't tell him anything." " He's very jealous." "Emanuela, where are you?" " Hear that?" "It's him." " Her master's voice!" " He never leaves me alone." " Really!" "But I've done nothing." "If he found us together, he'd be capable of killing you." " Goodness, gracious me!" " I couldn't care less." "But I could." "This is a serious matter." "Listen, I'll come to you tonight, in your hotel." " Tonight?" " I'll come to you, in your hotel." " Is that all right?" " Tonight?" "In my hotel?" "Fine." "Are we men or corporals?" "Siamo uomini o caporali?" "Well said!" "Go, now." "Bye bye." "What a night!" " Hey!" "Young man!" "Wake up." "What's happening?" "Wake up!" "You must leave." " Why?" " Because a woman's coming over." " The Baroness?" " No, Manuelita!" "A woman with fire in her veins who appears to be thin but is actually well-endowed." "She has a Portuguese husband." "I haven't met him." "Now, you must lend me your best dressing gown." " I'm not lending you anything." " What do you mean?" "I'm returning to Naples tomorrow morning on the first ferry." " I've understood everything." " I've understood nothing." "Do know why they all treat us so courteously?" "Do you know whey everyone winks at you?" "Because I'm handsome." "What a fool you are." "Do you know why women chase after you?" "They like me." "I'm full of charm." "That's not it." "They've taken you for the son of the great Bey Kahn of Agapur." " Really?" " Yes." " I couldn't care less." " Oh, really?" " See this case?" " It's not mine." "It belongs to the Bey." "We stole his motorboat and his suitcase." "Do you know where we'll end up because of this business?" " In Emanuela's arms." " No, in jail." "Listen, in the morning, I'm returning to Naples, got that?" " What language is that?" " It's Indian." "I'm practicing." "Guess what I've found out." "He is the real Bey." "The whole Capri is vying to invite him." "What a blunder I've made." "But I don't love him any more." "I hate him." "No, you don't hate him." "You love him." " Is it true that you love him?" " Yes, I love him." "Will you do everything you can to win him back?" " Yes, I'll do everything I can." " This very night." "This very night." "You'll enter his room and you'll seduce him." "Very well." " You weren't expecting me, right?" " Actually, I wasn't." " I didn't want to come here." " I know, you picked the wrong door." " Down the hallway, on the right." " I didn't want to come here but I had a celestial vision that said to me: "Go!"" "That's what I say too." "What are you waiting for?" "What do you want?" "I've come for the case for the last time, Prince Bey Kahn of Agapur." " For the last time." " Thank goodness it's the last." " Repent!" " I haven't done anything yet." " I'm going to settle here." " No!" "And I'll stay with you till dawn and help you fight her..." " the triumphant beast." " Triumphant beast, my eye!" " She's a woman who full of life!" " She's the devil." " I'm not moving from here." " No, you're leaving right away." "It's her, the triumphant beast." " Leave her alone with me." " Fine." "Do you want to see her?" " Yes." " I'll show you the enemy." "What a night!" " At last, you're in." " Help!" " Come here immediately." " I'm not nuts, you know?" " Come here." " Help!" " You're handsome dressed like that." " Keep your hands still!" " Why are you avoiding me?" " After what happened today." " What happened today?" " You don't know?" " I can't remember anything." " I remember everything." "My mind has gone blank." "I can imagine." "You are slightly schizophrenic." "In a word, do you know what that means?" "That you're crazy." " Yes, I'm crazy about you." " Help!" "Help!" "Keep away from me, otherwise I'll call the madhouse." "Is that the madhouse?" " Who is it?" " Everyone's popping in tonight." "It may be Bartali." "It may be Coppi." "It may be her." " Who?" " Emanuela." "Emanuela?" "A woman?" "Goodness, what am I to do?" "He didn't tell me anything." "He didn't tell you anything?" "I'll tell you." "Come with me." "I'll show you the triumphant beast." "Do you want to see it?" "Come here." "Stay calm!" "If I show you the triumphant beast will you stay calm?" "Yes, I will." " Do you promise?" " Yes." "Stay nice and calm!" "What a night!" " Who are you?" " Where is she?" " Who?" " Don't feign ignorance." "I'm not feigning." " Hasn't she arrived yet?" " No, she hasn't arrived yet." " So, you were expecting her!" " You're the Portuguese!" "As soon as she arrives, I'll kill you." " It's her!" "She's arrived." " I've just had an idea." " I see." "I'll hide in this wardrobe." "You'll receive her as if I weren't here." " Do you understand?" " Yes, sir." "I want to see how far that woman will go in cheating on me." " Remember to act natural." " Sure!" "Very natural!" "Woe betide you if I let on that I'm in here." " Open the door or I'll shot." " Right!" "Smile!" "What a night!" " My darling!" " Who are you?" "What do you want?" "I'm looking for love, my darling." "It's so hot in here." "I've half a mind to take off my dress." "No, don't do that." "You'd catch a chill." "Can't you feel how cold it is?" "Besides, there's a draught." "How oddly you're behaving." "Today you were all fuego." "This evening you're like ice and I wonder what you'll be like tonight?" "Tonight I'll be full of holes." " Stop talking and kiss me." " I can't." "Don't behave like that idiot husband of mind." "I won't allow you to offend your husband in my presence." "Your husband is a very decent man." "He's gallant, gentlemanly, and even handsome." "He understand certain situations." " But you don't know him." " That doesn't matter." "I can feel his presence." "I'm very sensitive." "I'm hyper-sensitive." "What's going on?" "What's the matter?" "You keep looking at the wardrobe." " It's not true." " You're hiding something from me." " I know!" "You're hiding a woman." " I'm not hiding a woman, I swear." " Open the wardrobe or I'll shoot." " I can't." "Everybody's ready to shoot around here." "It's getting dangerous." " I'll open it myself." " Oh, heavens!" " Excuse me, madam." " Who are you?" "I'm a man overcome with jealousy." "I was expecting to find Baroness von Krafpen..." "...with whom I'm madly in love, but I've unwittingly spoiled your tryst." " He isn't your husband?" " No." "Then who is this man?" " Don't you recognize me?" " Oh, of course!" "You're the happy death confrere." "The baroness's butler." "Correct, Your Highness." "My apologies, madam." "Your Highness." "Actually, I'm quite short." "Excuse me." "Well..." "You wretch!" "I knew you'd come here." "Silence, you unscrupulous servant!" "Have a little dignity!" "There's a lady here and the clients of the hotel are sleeping." " I've found you at last." " My husband!" "Let me explain." "There's nothing to explain." "That man's Portuguese." "He's fiery-tempered." "Explosive!" "Scoundrel!" "Good-for-nothing!" "What's happening?" "What am I to do?" "It's the end of the world." "Excuse me but where do you think you are?" "Stop it!" "This is indecent!" "Repent, you sinners." "Your time has come." "What a night!" " What are they looking at?" " What do you think they're looking?" "They think you're the richest man in the world." "Me?" "Really?" "Did you see how he greets people?" "He continually launches new trends." " How fascinating he is!" " Why don't we elect him, tonight?" "As Mr. Capri?" "Why not?" " So you're getting engaged to Sonia" " Why should I get engaged?" " Because you're already married." " This evening I'll get engaged and tomorrow, disengaged." " A brilliant idea!" "So you'll have to pay damages." "For breach of contract." "For your information, I do damage I don't pay for it." " Anyhow, it's my business." " Suppose your wife were to turn up?" "How could she?" "There's a sea between us and she can't swim." " She can take a ferry." " Have you forgotten the strike?" " Right!" " Indeed." "I must confide something." "I have a secret agreement with Di Vittorio." "Your Highness, do you remember me?" "Dodo della Baggina." " Of course!" " May I introduce Enrichetta Giusi." "We want to include you among the candidates for tonight's election." " As a Member of Parliament?" " This is a really witty statement." "I'm have it printed in "L'Europeo"." "It's a contest to elect Mr. Capri." " I see." " I am Pupetto Turacciolo." "Turacciolo?" "Turacciolo?" "This name isn't new to me." "If it pleases you, I accept the invitation." "Wonderful." "I'll immediately inform the island brotherhood." "While you're at it, do me the favor of informing also the sisterhood." " What a wit!" " The more the merrier!" " You're divine!" " Really divine!" "After you." "This evening's party will be truly memorable." "Unforgettable!" "Maestro, please!" "I have an important announcement to make." "Ladies and gentlemen, island brother and sisterhood, welcome." "We'll now proceed with the election of the best among us, the precursor of our endless class, the representative of the Caprense gang, the new Tiberius." "In other words, Mr. Capri." "Contestant number 1, Count Bubi di Primaporta." "Excuse me?" "Is Antonio De Fazio staying in this hotel?" "Yes, he's here." " He's here." " Are you sure?" "We've been traipsing around Capri all day." " I can't take any more." " Just ask him." "Is Antonio De Fazio staying here?" "Yes, madam." "Mr. Antonio De Fazio is here now." "Who should I announce?" "5 seconds applause." "Contestant number 2." "Pupetto Turacciolo." "The most fantastic guy!" "He brought back to Capri the ancient cult of the god Mitra." "Go!" "One, two, three..." " Sign up for it." "You're the best." " Yes, I know but - " " Why don't you?" " Take part with the others." "And now, contestant number 3." " Go on!" "Don't be shy." " You're the most likely to win!" "His Highness Omar Bey, heir to the throne of Agapur, who, after breaking the hearts of the most beautiful women in Capri," " including our Sonia Bulgarov," " Very good!" "Invented the swim with your clothes on, the fashion for a snake on... your head, the greetings with your tongue out and other amusing tricks" " Speech!" " Speech!" " Please say something." " Say a few words." "Island brotherhood, bay sisterhood, rather I should say busty sisterhood," "the management of the club requests that guests do not break glasses or mock the waiters while they're performing their difficult job of serving this difficult clientele." "We couldn't care less about the management." "And as for the waiters, I repeat, as for the waiters, not only will we make fun of them, but also treat them as slaves." "Watch!" "In honor of the winner, we're about to hear the Agapur national anthem." "Keep an eye on him, idiot!" " Bey?" "Bey?" "Mr. De Fazio." " Where's he gone?" " What are you doing here?" " Me?" " Yes, you." " What am I doing here?" "I'm working as a waiter." "It's obvious." "But weren't you supposed to go to work in Salerno?" "If I'd told you I was coming to Capri, you'd have been worried." " This is a den of iniquity." " Bey?" "Bey?" "I'm coming." "You heard?" "They're calling me." " But did they call you Bey?" " You misunderstood." "They called me "boy" that's like "waiter"." " What's going on out there?" " A party." " Can we go and see?" " Absolutely no." " Why ever not?" " It's an orgy." "Degenerate antics!" " How disgraceful!" " The people are in evening dress." "They're wearing evening dress but underneath, they're naked." "Don't leave this table." "I'll be right back with something to drink." "What a cute kid!" "Is that the way to carry a tray?" "A tray should be carried like this." "Guys, look at him!" "I wonder what he's up to now?" "Attention please." "Let the orgy begin!" "He's fantastic!" "Just fantastic!" "Give me that tray." "Hand it over!" "They're breaking glasses!" " I'm in trouble!" " Why?" " My mother-in-law has turned up." " Really?" "Then I'm out of here." " I'm coming with you." " Shall we dance, honey?" " What?" " Let's dance." "Come on!" "You can't get out of it now." "You're nervous this evening." "What's on your mind?" " My family." " Your father, Bey Khan of Agapur." " He's always on my mind." " So, you have 40 wives?" " 40 wives?" "Not on your life!" " What?" " I don't have 40 wives." "Only 39." " So few?" " One of them is worth 100." "What's he up to now?" "Here we are." "Drink this." "It will do you a power of good." "A power of good." "Don't leave this table." "Drink this." "It's really delicious, wonderful!" " Thanks!" " Don't move from here." " Do you like this samba?" " Indeed I do." "What are you doing here?" "Do you want to get me fired?" " Go inside!" "Back to your table!" " Excuse us, Antonio." "Look over there." "Can you see him?" "What are you saying, silly boy?" "What are you going to do now?" "Are we going to get our cake?" "We've been waiting half an hour." "What fun!" "We'll give you some more!" "We're ruined." "The Bey has arrived." " Thank goodness." "He can marry her." " He'll have us arrested." " No!" " Look at him." " Hide!" " Where?" " Under the table." " All right." " Did they see us?" " No." "Let's get out of here." " From where?" " From the side room." "Hurry!" "I can't." "My wife's in the side room." "Let's leave like this." "Hello!" "Listen, Marinella, would you like to go to the bar?" " It's so crowded in here." " No, honey." "Let's wait for Bubi." "You're right." "That's a marvellous idea." "Keep an eye on the exits." "You must expose him without any scandal." "Ready?" "What are you waiting for?" "You go ahead and I'll follow." " Who fired those shot?" " I did." " Why did you shoot?" " Two tables were moving." "I saw that too." "Some tables were moving." " I saw them as well." " Take the cloths off the tables." "My goodness!" "What a sight!" "She looks familiar." "Who is she?" " She's your wife, dummy!" " My wife?" "Evidently the air in Capri makes people look better." " Is that him?" " Yes." "There he is." "Go on!" "Stop it, all of you!" "The ire of the gods be upon you." "You, Bey Kahn of Agapur will pay for your sins with your life." "One moment!" "There's been a misunderstanding." "I'm not the real Bey." "He is." "Oh, no!" "I not be Bey." "He be Bey." " No, he be Bey, I be me." " Which is the real Bey?" "It must be the one in the turban." "Go!" "And don't let him get away." " That's enough!" " That's enough!" "You've made fun of me for long, but you won't trick me any more." "Mr. De Fazio, taking my place in this hotel, you saved my precious life." "Well..." " It's only right that I give you" " a small reward." " Thank you." "Would you kindly step onto this scale?" " What for?" " According to the Indian tradition," "I'll measure you your weight in diamonds in the other scale-pan." "That's an excellent idea!" "May I add my wife's 50 kilos?" "No reward is large enough for saving a life." "That's what I say." "Sit next to me, my 50-kilo wife." "The more the merrier!" " They're cute, aren't they?" " Yes." " Just an appetizer!" " How lovely!" "Dear wife, do you see my trip to Capri hasn't been a waste of time?" "Guys, don't cheat with the weight." "Now that I think of it, I forgot to tell you something." "Sonia, Emanuela," "Baroness von Cemiterium," "Osvaldo, Asdrubale, Dodo!" "Are you all here?" "I wanted to tell you Capri is not bad, but Sonia is a sight for sore eyes." "Now tell me, friends, are we men or corporals?"