"When my ass was 19 years old I changed the face of professional baseball." "Well, any baseball fan has gotta love this." "Bottom of the ninth inning, Game 7, bases loaded, two out and Atlanta's gone to their bullpen and called on the rookie, Kenny Powers." "Absolutely untested, and he's run the count full to the all-star, Eddie Friarson." "The bases are loaded." "He shakes off a sign." "Now he's ready." "Three-two pitch." "Struck him out!" "You're fucking out!" "Kenny Powers has done it." "Atlanta wins the series!" "Listen to this crowd!" "I was handed the keys to the kingdom." "Multi-million dollar deals, endorsements." "Everyone wanted a piece of my shit." "You're fucking out!" "You're fucking out!" "Just a man with a mind for victory and an arm like a fucking cannon." "But sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm." "I'm sick and tired of carrying all the weight." "The coaches and owners not giving me the shit I need to win." "Atlanta, you're fucking out." "Kenny Powers is now a free agent." "Find a bar and get shitfaced, huh?" "Get me paid, bitch." "Superstar!" "So, Kenny, how do you feel about playing for New York?" "You mean Jew York?" "It's fucking great." "I thought the blacks in Baltimore were bad." "But turns out they're nothing compared to these fags you got in San Francisco." "And a true champion, face to face with his darkest hour will do whatever it takes to rise above." "Any comments on the steroid allegations?" "I said I'm not on steroids!" "A man fights and fights and then fights some more." "Because surrender is death, and death is for pussies." "Kenny Powers, a career that once showed so much promise." "You can feel the sun going down on it right here." "No, man." "Come on, motherfucker." "Come on, fucking fastball." "Two balls, no strikes." "A runner at third, one out in the eighth." "MacWorthy awaits." "And there's a long fly ball." "It is way back there." "The nail in the coffin of a career." "And Powers kicks his glove." "You're fucking out!" "You're fucking out!" "And my ass ain't no pussy." "My ass is a fucking champion." "Write your name in the top right corner followed by birth date and social security number." "Fill out the form completely." "When you finished, hand in your form to me." "Welcome to the Shelby County school system and your new, exciting career as a substitute teacher." "Hey, you're never gonna believe who's sitting in front of me." "Kenny Fucking Powers." "No shit." "Yeah, it's him." "No." "Hell, no." "He looks like shit." "He looks like a big bag full of mashed-up asshole." "Kenny Powers!" "Holy shit, I knew that was you." "Slow the fuck down, dude." "Marcus Shank." "You banged my stepsister back in high school." "What the fuck are you doing back here, man?" "." "Hey, hit me up with that Texas toast there, bro." " Oh, here you go." " Thanks." "So did you get the Christmas cards we got you this year?" "." "Yeah, I think so." "Yeah." "I get a shit ton of fan mail." "So that's a lot of mail to go through." "But, yeah, I mean, yeah, I think I did." "Y'all get that- The tanning bed I sent y'all last year?" "." " The one you sent three years ago?" "." " Three years?" "." "Well, it is a tanning bed, you know?" "." "So..." "You boys ever tag team anybody, beat up any kids in your neighborhood?" "." "When we were kids, me and your dad used to beat the shit out of these retards that lived down the street." "Hilarious." "This guy was the most ruthless one." "Now I'm sitting here, he's got a family, he's got a nice a shirt on." "We try and teach our children not to make fun of others who are challenged." "Mongoloid Mike." "Is that what you called him?" "." "You used to bust his head open with a stick." "Remember that?" "." "Okay." "I think we're gonna tone down the language." "Right?" "." "I mean, my mind's still blown you got three kids." "I mean, I don't remember you having this one." " Old blondie over here." " We got three." "Three handsome young men." "The Powers' way." "The littlest one's a girl." "You certainly are." "Her name is Rose." "Named after Miss Kate Winslet in the movie Titanic." "Y'all named your daughter after fucking Titanic?" "It's Cassie's favorite movie." "You gotta be shitting me." "What's his name, fucking Shrek?" "." "No, huh?" "." "Okay." "Damn, it's cold." "So thanks for letting me crash here." "Appreciate it." "Yeah." "Sure, man." "Kenny, we was wondering, speaking of which how long you was planning on, you know..." "... staying here?" "." " We?" "." "Well, it ain't like that." "How many times do I gotta tell you?" "." "Gatorade is still trying to get a piece." "The IRS up in my shit." "I need to take a job just so the government can garnish my fucking wages, man." "Just give me a little breathing room here." "Just give me some walking around money, then I'll be fine." "Okay?" "." "How long is that gonna be?" "." " You wanna know how long?" "." " Yeah." "Four fucking years." "How about that?" "." "Really." "We're brothers." "You want me to give you a date?" "." "Well just wondering how long it's gonna be till you..." "Till I what?" "." " Get your shit together, Kenny." " I'm kidding." "I'm not." "Okay." "Okay." "I'm okay." "I'm okay." "Undaunted, I knew the game was mine to win." "Just like in life, all of my successes depend on me." "I'm the man who has the ball." "I'm the man who can throw it faster than fuck." "So that is why I am better than everyone in the world." "Kiss my ass and suck my dick, everyone." "You've reached the end of Cassette Number 3." "You're listening to the audio book You're Fucking Out, I'm Fucking In by Kenny Powers." "Narrated by Kenny Powers." "I mean, he drew a pentagram made of penises." "You know, I think he's a real sicko, Mrs. Brady." "I got my major in art, not psychology." "You know, I don't know what to tell this kid." "April." "April!" "I'm just kidding, it's me." "I recognize your scent." "Do you recognize my essence?" "." " Yeah?" "." "Yeah." " Okay." " That feels familiar, huh?" "." " It's nice to see you too." "I think I'm gonna need to change my pants." "I'm just playing." "I didn't come in my pants." "Did" " I was surprised when I heard that you were coming back." "Oh, you know." "I'm just doing a little rehab on the shoulder, you know?" "." "Trying to get my fuck on, you know what I'm saying." "Yeah." "Kenny, if you think that I'm gonna hook up with you after all this time well, then you've lost your goddamn mind." "You have not changed at all." "We still got that fun chemistry..." "... where we just play with each other" " Kenny Powers in my school?" "." "It is a true pleasure to meet you." "I'm just a huge fan." "Terrence Cutler, principal." "Oh, big boss man." "Okay." "Well." "When I heard that you were gonna be subbing here I almost lost my mind." "Well, that's good for you." "Well, there's something you need to know about, Kenny." "You're not the only athlete here at Jeff Davis." "I happen to be training for a triathlon right now so doing a lot of running, and cycling, swimming." "Well, you know all about that." "No, actually, I don't." "I play real sports." "Not trying to be the best at exercising." " Fuck this guy." " This guy, hilarious." " Hilarious." " Yeah." "Let's get your paperwork started." "Show you where you're working." "How about you get the paperwork started?" "." "I'm gonna stay here and catch up with April." "You know April?" "." " We went to high school together." " We used to date." "You used to date?" "." "April, you never told me you dated Kenny Powers." " Well" " That is so cool!" "It's a little too early to tell, but looks like the sparks are still flying." " God." " I'll get up in it." "Oh, that's not funny." " That's" " You're hilarious!" "I forget to tell you." "I'm" " I'm engaged now." "Bullshit." "You're engaged?" "." "Yeah, right." "Who are you engaged to?" "." " To me." " Yeah." "We're engaged." "Hey, May 11th, save the date because Kenny Powers is definitely coming to my wedding." "You can throw out the first pitch." "What's up?" "." "I'm Kenny Powers, I'll be your new PE teacher till Coach Booth's back is fixed." "Yeah, I'm famous." "La-di-da, big fucking deal." "Now, at this time I'd like to field any questions anybody has." "This is the time to do it." " You." "Big kid." " Do we have to run the mile?" "." "I'm talking about me." "I want" " These are questions about me personally as a superstar." "You know, you got this moment in time here with an American icon, you gonna waste it asking a question about the fucking mile?" "." "Who's next?" "." "Who's got something else for me here?" "." "You." "When you did steroids, did it make your balls shrink?" "." "Think that's funny?" "." "How about I show you my balls and you can tell me if they shrunk?" "." "No, for your information, I have full-sized balls." "Next question." "Is it true you were in jail?" "." "No, babe, rehab." " That you hurt yourself?" "." " No, I didn't hurt myself." "Coach Booth says after back surgery, he has to go to rehab." "Oh, okay." "Yeah, I hurt myself." "I hurt my nose." "All right, I got time for one more." "Timid kid." "My dad said you ruined baseball." "You know what?" "." "I can already tell that I don't like you." "And I'm probably not gonna like you no matter how many pull-ups or pushups you do." "If anybody wants to pick on anybody in class, aim for him because I ain't watching." "Had to be the worst first date ever." "In my life." " And that is why I don't drink." " That's why I love you." "I don't mean to break up the good time here, but I just saw two boys raping a sixth grader." " Oh, my God!" "Who?" "." " Raping." " Yeah." "I'm just kidding." " Kenny." "Where?" "." " You mind if I pony up in here?" "." " Oh, sure, have a seat." "I don't know if you've met everybody yet, or not." "But" " Of course, you already know Ms. Buchanon." "And then we got Mr. Nesbitt, our drama teacher," "Mrs. Jones, she teaches English, and our band teacher, Mr. Janowski." "Oh, we" " We already know each other too." " We do?" "." " Yeah, it's me, Stevie." "Stevie Janowski." "We met" " We went to high school together." " I was a drum major." " What the fuck is that?" "." "Oh, I lead the whole marching band." "I wore a cape in sophomore year." "Sorry." "Nothing." "I've got a lot of memories in my life and sometimes you kind of have to dump the small ones to make room for the bigger ones." "But sometimes when you try to dump the smaller ones you think they're gone, but they're not." "They're sitting there, waiting to pick up exactly where they left off." "No matter if there are new memories standing in their way or not." "Personally, I hate it when new memories get in the way of old ones." "I know." "All right, let me get this straight." "I'm gonna pay for a blow job and I gotta pay for a goddamn hotel room too?" "." "That just seems like I'm spending too much money for nothing." "You can just get over here." "I can just do the blow job here." "Yeah." "But, hey, this one is done too." " You can take that as well." " Thank you." "And can I wear the Scream mask?" "." "The mask from Scream?" "When I do you from behind?" "." "Hello?" "." "Hey, Cassie." "Your cell phone blows." "It's crazy just, like, being out in the real working world working a real job." "Getting out of the house." "It exhausts you." " It does." "It's exhausting." " Yeah." "If you could focus on keeping your area clean..." "..." "I'd appreciate that." " Okay, no problem." "Cassie, can I ask you a question?" "." "Hypothetical." "Okay." "When you were engaged to get married to Dustin if somebody else would have asked you out, like, what would you have said?" "." "Well, I was pregnant when Dustin asked me to marry him, so..." "Right, who's gonna wanna stick that?" "." "Okay, well, let's pretend that you weren't preggers you were just normal." "And then a dude asked you out." "Okay." "Well..." "Well, Kenny, I think I would say no." "I mean, it's true love." "You know, when one heart connects with another heart it's sort of magical." " I really hope for you someday" " Goddamn it." "No!" "No, off!" "Get down!" "Get your ass down right now!" "Hop off there, Blond Ambition Tour!" " Kenny, you cannot talk to my son that way!" " Get out of here." "He's got doo-doo and chocolate over his hands, ruining my handlebars." " What's going on?" "." " Wayne's on his Jet Ski." " That's why you're swearing?" "." " I will continue to swear, Dustin." "This Jet Ski ain't a goddamn toy!" " Yes, it is." " Know what would happen if he dry accelerated this Jet Ski on land?" "." "He would have ruined it." "If you're really strapped for cash, sell the Jet Ski." "I don't tell you what to do with your money, don't tell me what to do with mine, okay?" "." "And Cassie, do not stare at me with those dead eyes, you Church bitch" " Kenny!" " Instantly I regret saying that." "That was a horrible thing to say." "It's just, I'm Kenny Powers!" "And I'm very upset with how I'm acting right now!" "I just have a very hard time expressing my emotions and I can't stop from yelling!" "So I am very sorry, I don't mean to offend you, Wayne." "You have fucking pissed me off but I'm very upset right now!" "So I'm gonna go ahead and go." "But I'm not gonna stop yelling because then that'll mean I lost the fight." "So please leave a key under the mat, I love y'all very much." " Peace out!" " Where you going?" "." "I'm going to Sha-Booms!" "I know you." "I seen your ass on TV." "It ain't often we get many stars in here." "Stars kind of make me, oh, how do I say it?" "." "A little wet in my pussy." "That's one way to say it, yeah." "Hell, no, Tracy." "Get out, get out." "Get the fuck out of here." "Fuck you, Clegg, I'm just talking." "Besides, I just need a little TLC." "What you need is a shit ton of Valtrex." "Now get the fuck out." "Go!" "Go!" "Get!" "Okay, that's nice." "Okay." "Powers, step into my office." "Let's do some blow." "Finally, motherfucker." "That was basically college for me, just you know, touring with Widespread all across the USA." "I don't know much about those guys." "I never got into them much." "Oh, man, I'll burn you some shit, just the choice nugs." "Yeah." "Sounds great." "I would like that." "I like CDs." "I'm fucking burning up, back here." "I've been waiting the whole time to have good time." "I'm having the shittiest time." "I know, dude." "It's so good to see you." "We may be here now, but we were free." " Still free." " They can't take that away." "April Buchanon, she works at the" " April Big Cannons?" "." " Yep." "She's engaged to the fucking principal." " This fucking dipshit that wants to be me, man." " I mean, this girl is just a blip on the radar." " Yeah." " It's like two big old fucking poppers attached to a fucking sellout, dude." "So, Kenny, how are you enjoying working here at Jefferson Davis?" "." "It's awesome." "Kenny, I've called you here for something rather serious." "Kind of sad." "Coach Booth died this morning." "They're not sure, but they think he was taking too many of the pain pills the doctors gave him." "Shit." "You can die from that?" "." "Look, I know you're a free agent but since Coach Booth isn't coming back I was just wondering if maybe you wanted to come to this team full-time." "I'd love to add you to the permanent roster." "At least for the rest of the year." "I mean, these kids could benefit from having a star athlete such as yourself around and it could be good for you as well." "I'm talking health insurance, 401 and in a few years you'll have tenure." "You don't find a lot of ball players with tenure." "Sleep on it, okay?" "." "You don't have to make up your mind right now." " You want a smoothie?" "." " No, I'm straight." "You know, I took April's virginity." "What's that?" "." "I said, I don't want a" " I don't want a smoothie." "A lot of people ask me, "Kenny Powers, you're a giant star you could get any woman." "Have you ever paid for sex?"" "And the answer is yes, I have." "Several times, in fact." "And it's actually kind of cool." "You can negotiate practically anything." "And sometimes, even just do stuff in the moment you never agreed to pay for, it goes by without argument." "You wanna know about relationships?" "I know all there is to know." "Just ask my second wife, Tina." "Yeah, she was a stripper." "If Montel Williams was to talk shit some more, he can go fuck himself because those charges were dropped." "I think that's Mr. Powers." " There he is." " Yeah." "Sure, I've been called a xenophobe." "But the truth is, I'm not." "I feel that America is the best country and all the other countries aren't as good." "That used to be called patriotism." " What is that?" "." " It's Kenny." "How do you know?" "." "Because I know." "Dustin, I know it is our Christ-given duty to help out family but can't we just kill him instead?" "." "I'm the older brother." "No, I can't kill him but I can lay his ass out." "Wake the neighborhood up tonight, huh?" "." "Fucking burning this motherfucking house down." " What the hell are you doing?" "." " Hey, Dustin." "Look at me." "I'm a fucking icon!" " You're fucking up my siding." " Man, fuck your siding." "God's taking a dump on my face." "The love of my life doesn't want to have sex with me she's getting married to some smoothie-eating fairy." "The only job op I got is teaching a bunch of fucking piss pants how to tie their shoes!" "This is me, Dustin, take a picture." "I know the last few years have been tough." "But come on, man." "Now you gotta live with us regular folks?" "." "Big deal." "You act like it's a prison sentence." "Sorry life here ain't the glitz and glamour you're used to but you can't just run around acting like a baby." "You know, you used to be someone I liked being around, and now you're not." "And that's fucking sad, man." "I mean, you just nailed it." "You just hit it on the head." " You're saying I gotta get back on top again." " I'm saying you need to stop being an asshole." "Yeah, man, I gotta remember that I'm a winner, man." "I need to remember that I am better than everybody else." " That's not what I'm saying at all." " Fuck, man." "I'm a bullet-proof tiger, dude." "If everyone in this town has forgotten who I am, it's time I remind them." "Maybe it's time I remind everybody just who the fuck Kenny Powers is!" "Knock that shit off." "Man, brother, don't be sad, okay?" "." "Don't be bad." "It's me." "Your brother." "You've helped me see the light." "Now I'm gonna help you." "You see that Jet Ski?" "." "Selling it." "I'm selling the Jet Ski." " Bullshit." " Bullshit nothing, man." "That Jet Ski is a toy it's a distraction." "And right now, Kenny Powers does not need that." "Kenny Powers needs to focus, okay?" "." "Besides, man, that can help your family, it can help pay for bills." "Kenny Powers is back!" "Excuse me, students, for this morning announcement." "The Junior Hog Farm Committee will hold an organizational meeting after school." " The yearbook money is now" " Get out of the way." " Hop up, dickweed." " Hey!" "Is this thing on?" "I just push the fucking button?" "Oh, they can hear me right now?" "Hello, school, can you hear me?" "They can hear me?" "Good morning, students teachers, faculty members, lunch ladies, janitors." "This is Kenny Powers professional baseball player." "And I got something I wanna say." "A lot of you motherfuckers think you know who Kenny Powers is." "Well, I'm here today to tell ya'll you don't know shit." "There comes a time in every man's life when he's got to take a look at himself in the mirror and decide just exactly who he is." "Well, I've come to that crossroads and I have decided Kenny Powers is a man." "Kenny Powers is an athlete." "Kenny Powers is a lover." "But the most he is I mean the thing that Kenny Powers is the most is a goddamn champion." "And the one thing a champion does not do is fucking quit." "A true champion faces his enemies and he conquers them." "Okay." "Maybe we should" "And that is why I'm here today to tell you all that Kenny Powers is officially accepting the position of PE coach here at Jefferson Davis Middle School." "That is until the majors call me back up." "So let's get the teaching on!" " I'm out!" " Okay." "Settle down, everyone." "That was Mr. Powers using some language that a bald eagle never uses." "All right, everybody, show's over." "Let's get back to work." " Ms. Buchanon?" "." " Yes, honey." "Where the fuck is that dude going?" "." "It's still first period." "Fuck you, Kenny!" "You piece of shit!"