"All right." "How did I do?" "Let's see." "Sine "x" plus the square root of negative two." "And the survey says..." "[ bell rings ]" "Mom, you make trig so much fun." "Aw, thank you." "Okay, send in Warren with his homework." " Okay." "Mwah!" " Tell him to hurry." "[ birds chirping ]" "Why do I feel like we're always buying toilet paper?" "[ chuckles ] Because Bert and Hillary like wrapping Warren up like a mummy." "[ cellphone alert blares ]" " Ah, crap." " What?" "It's Diane." "She wants to know if we can do carpool on Monday." "No!" "We can't!" "We've got nothing Monday." " I got work." " Yeah, but besides that, we have nothing." " Just tell her we're busy." " She'll know I'm lying." "She always knows." "I'll do it." "I'm a great liar." "[ cellphone alert blares ] Oh, come on!" "She's got an emergency ACL procedure." "It's just knee surgery." "Nobody's every died in knee surgery." "[ cellphone alert blares ]" "What am I looking at?" "It's a web link for people who have died in knee surgery." "Oh, my God." "I saw this in a horror movie once." "It was a slumber party, and the killer was calling from inside the house." "She can't be in the house." "Can't I?" "[ screams ]" "And now that I know you're free, I'll ask again." "Can you do carpool on Monday?" "Peter!" "Right now!" "You are doing carpool Monday and the next three Mondays for lying to me!" "That felt great." "I put her on top of the recycling bin." " Good, babe." " Yeah." "What if someone steals the laptop, though?" "Then Diane becomes their problem." "Who cares?" "Lets' get out of here." "Mom?" "I brought my homework." "Uh..." "Warren." "Warren!" "I'm outside!" "Oh." "Cool." "Well, I'll be in my room." "Just let me know when you're ready to start." "Oh!" "Yes!" "Two-ply!" "[ chuckles ]" "Season 1, Episode 5 "The Tryst"" "Pete:" "Kate?" "Kate?" "[ munching ]" "[ Kate moans ]" "What are we doing?" "I try to be a really good example to the kids, but sometimes I just want chips before dinner." "Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah." "Sure." "If you ever want some, I always keep a bag behind the big jug of bleach." "If you're not too full on bleach chips and you're still hungry," "I got us last-minute reservations at Vouloir." "[ gasps ]" "Quoi?" "That's French for "what?" "!"" "It's time." "No more fish sticks, no more hot dogs." "Tonight we're gonna eat like real, actual, grownup people." "Wow!" "I love it!" "Wait." "What about the kids?" "I got it covered." "Jackie's gonna babysit." " How much does she charge?" " Half of everything I own." "Man, how do I get a deal like that?" " You don't." "You're married to me." " Bummer." "But I'm gonna take you out, I'm gonna wine you," "I'm gonna dine you, I'm gonna keep you out till 10:00." "Whoa." "[ sighs ] [ cellphone alert blares ]" " That's Diane." " Okay, wait." "If she wants anything, just tell her that we were in a bank robbery today." "Then I got carjacked." "[ cellphone alert blares ]" "No, no, no, no, no!" "Tell her my cousin was murdered." "What?" "I don't like my cousins that much." "That's creepy." "That weirded me out." "You should talk to somebody about that." "[ cellphone alert blares ] Hello." "Diane." "What's up?" "Hi." "Peter." "I'm gonna need your help with the school fundraiser tonight." "Uh..." "Okay." "I'll donate whatever you're donating, plus a dollar." "No, I'm gonna need you in person, Peter." "A lot of people dropped out on me." "I guess banning beer [scoffs] from Oktoberfest" "Made a lot of enemies." "Well, I'd love to pitch in tonight, but..." " Great, thank you." " No, Kate and I are going out to dinner." "That's fine." "Bring her, too." "You're not understanding me at all." "Oh, I think I understand perfectly now." "I just wish that, uh, your children's future was as important to you as, you know, a fussy dinner and, "oh, what can I do with a Brussels sprout these days?"" "It's okay." "There's other fathers who will be there for their kids." " What time?" " I'll need you stat." "Just remember..." "it's a themed fundraiser, so come as your favorite '80s icon." " Great." "I'll come as the Berlin Wall." " There's no time for joking." " I'll se you shortly." " Margaret Thatcher..." "Wow, babe!" "Very impressive." "You held firm for almost two sentences." "What kind of an emergency was it this time, a neuro-optic plasmadectamoscopy?" "My children's future." " I promise, I'll make it up to you." " Fine." "But I'm telling you..." "Should have gone with the murdered cousin." "You're scaring me." "♪ They got the beat ♪" "♪ They got the beat ♪" "♪ Yeah, they got the beat ♪ [ laughter ]" "What is it with parents and theme parties?" "They're trying to get back to a time when they were happy." "Well, shoot me when I'm 40." "I mean 50." "I mean..." "I'll stop." "Peter, finally." " Hey." " Diane." "You look great." "Who are you?" "Oh, come on, Kate." "You got this." "Uh..." "Hit me with your best shot." "♪ Yeah, they go the beat ♪" " Spock." " No..." "Blanche from "The Golden Girls"?" " Pat Benatar." " Oh." "And, uh, let me guess." "You're Billy Idol, and you are..." "Melanie Griffith." "A "Working Girl" from the '80s." "Yes, well, it's nice to see you finally dressed up like an adult." "Thank you." "Peter, I'm gonna need you to introduce me onstage later on tonight, so I've written out some talking points." "Don't you just want me to tell them you're better than everyone else?" "Yes, but I'd like for it to sound natural." "Please go help Patty stock the bar." "And what can you do?" "I don't know." "What can you do?" "Oh, maybe you could help the caterers with the vegetable platters." "Thank you again for coming." "I'll be at the bar." "If you need some liquor, I'm your man." "Ugh." "This blows." "♪ 'Cause I've been tossed around and 'round ♪" "♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪" "Mrs. Steinberg!" "Hi!" "I love your costume." "Who are you?" "Oh, uh, I'm just me." "No one told me it was a theme party." "You..." "I mean, you look amazing." "Just gorgeous." "Anyway, uh, listen, so Diane wanted us to switch jobs today, so you are on vegetables." "Oh, did she not like the way I made the punch?" "Guess not." "There is cow milk in this fridge." "I mean, hello?" "Where's the llama milk?" "And only one kind of hummus?" "Oh, of course." "Little-lady margaritas." " Real classy, Kate." " Oh, that's dad's." "Well, either way, these things are just loaded with chemicals." "Yeah, definitely." "Hey, mom!" "Set the timer for my one hour and two minutes of TV time?" "Oh, hon, you only get an hour." "But I need time to get comfortable and for pee breaks." "Oh, sweetie!" "You are such a planner." "Will you promise me you won't forget to let yourself fail?" "Whew." "Wow." "That just got real." "My turn." "Chelsea Clinton is live chatting." "and I want to ask her how she balances it all." "Oh, I would love to help, but this horse and this cat are best friends." "[ horse whinnies ]" "Go use Jackie's." "[ sighs ] Oh, man." "What is this?" "Warren, come here." "It's some kind of dating site." "[ click ] Oh." "Hello." "If you've stumbled upon my profile, then I already know that you like yoga, tuvan throat singers, and Nascar." "[ groans ] But now's your chance to journey just a little farther with me." "So come on!" "Where does she want us to go?" "[ music plays in distance ] [ sighs ]" "Way to go..." "getting us cup duty." "If we're not gonna have fun, at least we can not have fun together." "I can't believe we had to cancel our plans to carry cups." "I think we owe it to ourselves to at least try them out, don't you?" "Wow." "Got anything else in there?" "As a matter of fact, I do." "It's not Vouloir, but at least it's just the two of us down here." "I'm not gonna let Diane ruin our night." "We got half an hour." "What did you have in mind?" "A little wine, a little cheese, a little..." "You know." " Really?" " School's always made me horny." "Oh." "Sure." "Yeah." "Me too." "[ clicks tongue ]" "Do that again, you'll be dancing with yourself." "[ drumming ]" "Well, that's the end of the song "No, that's not my elephant."" "Well?" "[ both gasp ]" "Pretty good, right?" "Don't you think?" "Uh..." "Do you want us to tell you what you want to hear or tell you the truth?" "Oh, tell me what I want to hear." "Oh!" "It's awesome!" "I mean, you are going to find the man of your dreams." "Fantastic." "Oh!" "I knew it." "I knew it!" "But it is a little long." " Huh." " And has a lot of thoughts." "Hmm." " And maybe three too many impressions." " Four." "Well..." "I say, I say, I say," "You can never have enough impressions." "[ imitates laser fire ] [ chuckles nervously ] Yeah, that... that's fun stuff." "Yeah." "Hey, I've got an idea, Jackie." "I could re-edit this for you." "Hmm." "Zhuzh it up a little?" "Yeah!" "And, uh, I can help with your wardrobe." " Let's go see what Kate has in her closet." " Yeah." "Okay, you know, we can try, but I think we all know that Kate takes her fashion cues from this gal." "[ chuckles ]" "Well, that was pretty rock 'n' roll." "Smoking-hot sex in the closet, a little artisanal goat cheese." "I think I'm missing a shoulder pad." " Oh, here." "I thought it was mine." " Thanks, babe." " All right, you want to grab the cups?" " Yeah." "I got to get up there and introduce Pat Benatar to the Breakfast Club and about a dozen James Spaders." "Oh, my god." "There's no handle." " What?" " There's no handle." " Are you sure?" " Wait." "Let me check a third time, okay?" "Uh, no." "No handle." "We're raising money for a stupid vegetable garden and the doors don't have any handles?" " Hello?" " Anybody out there?" "[ knock on door ] Uh, we're in the closet here." "[ pounding on door ]" "And one of us really has to pee!" "♪ Karma, karma, karma, karma, karma chameleon ♪" "Peter, where are you?" "[ sighs ]" "♪ You come and go ♪" "Patty." "Peter has disappeared, so I need you to volunteer to introduce me." "Oh, to who?" ""To whom."" "And it's the entire auditorium." "I've written up some talking points for Peter, so just make them your own, okay?" "Uh, I-I'm terrified of public speaking." "Okay." "I guess it's now or never." "[ chuckles nervously ] It's now." " I really can't." " Take a sip." " Sip?" "Good." " Yeah." "Come on." "Okay." "[ feedback ]" "Hi." "I'm Peter..." "um, Patty Steinberg." "Um, most of you know me as Warren and Hillary's fath... [ stammers ]" "Ohh." "[ voice breaking ] And it is my honor to introduce the chair of tonight's event, Dr. Diane Buckley." "[ applause ]" "Renowned surgeon, two-time silver medalist in the 100-meter breaststroke, and the mother of my children." "[ crowd murmurs ] [ crying ] Diane Buckley." "Ladies and gentlemen, the always-eccentric Mrs. Steinberg." "Yes, thank you." " Get it together, Patty." "Get it together." " Okay." "That wasn't so bad." "We are here tonight for one reason..." "Joseph Brooks High School." "And with your generous donations, we can make much needed improvements on campus, such as a vegetable garden, more handicap ramps on campus, extra counseling to deal with the recent rash of teen pregnancies." " You got anything?" " Nope." "Not a thing." "[ sighs ]" " What are you doing?" " I'm gonna Jimmy the lock." " Do you know how to Jimmy?" " Sure." "You just..." "That was my driver's license." "[ groans ]" "Got to get out of here." "[ sighs ] [ grunts ] [ metal clangs ]" "Oh!" "Ooh!" "Why did you do that?" "I don't know." "I got to pee." "How bad?" "Uh, somewhere between "Bert on a Highway" bad and "Warren in a hot tub" bad." "Oh, my god." "Help!" "[ clanging ] Help!" " All right, what about this?" " Uh, yeah." "Sure." "If you have a body like a 10-year-old boy." "But unlike Kate, see, I have women's breasts and a butt like Beyoncé." " Okay." " Oh, wait." "Who are you?" "!" "This is nice." " That's the bed spread." " So?" "See this?" "This was a tablecloth once." "Yeah." "So much for that Thanksgiving." "Won't be invited back. [ chuckles ]" "Hey, why doesn't she keep the sewing machine by the bed like a normal person?" " Oh." " I don't know." "I need a B-12 shot." "So, this is me." "[ chuckles ]" "And over here, well, I've left just a little bit of room for you." "What's that?" "Oh, I-I found some cool explosion footage I wanted to add to your mom's video." " Why is she making a video?" " To meet a man." " Why?" " So she can get married." "Oh." "Bert, hey, buddy." "I'm sorry." "You know, maybe they'll just do it." "[ sighs ]" "He's lucky to have a brother like me." "[ clicking ]" "Pete, you've been doing this for the past 10 minutes." "It's a big school." "We'll get someone's attention eventually." "This is ridiculous." "I should be drunk and eating snails right now." "Well, you can blame Diane for that." "Oh, really?" "You want to blame Diane for that?" "Jackie had nothing to do with it." "You think this is my fault?" "My fault?" "How is..." "How is this my fault?" "Pete, we had plans tonight and you let Diane change them." "Yeah, but you... you..." "you heard that guilt trip she laid on me about Warren and Hillary." "Hon, there's always something with Diane." "Something about the kids or some fatal knee surgery," "Which, by the way, I still don't believe is a real thing." "I've been dealing with Diane for a long time." "You start arguing with her about one thing, pretty soon you're arguing about everything." "Better to avoid it." "Believe me." "Oh, it's easier to avoid it?" "Really?" "And it's better to be stuck in here with your little electrical experiment?" "I mean, like, "ooh!" "Oh, let me try." "Here." "Hello?" "Is it working now?"" "Hello?" "Someone's in here." " Okay." "What do you want me to do?" " What would I like you to do?" "I would like for you to stand up to her." "I would like for you to say no sometimes." "I would like to not pee on a sponge and in a real toilet." "I would like for you to get me out of here now." "Fine." "[ sighs ]" "Diane:" "Childhood obesity... [ switches click ]" "Excuse me?" "Hello?" "The lights have gone out." " Woman:" "I wish your mike would go out!" " Excuse me." "I can hear you." "[ sighs ] I hate these fundraisers." "Pete:" "You still mad at me?" "Kate:" "No, I'm really happy." "This turned out to be a really nice time." "Are you being sarcastic?" "I can't tell." "It's too dark in..." "Oh." "Geez." "You know, Pete." "I guess I was just really excited about spending some grownup time with my husband... that's all." "Kate..." "This is my sincere face." "Nothing..." "[ gasps ]" "Oh, my god!" "Thank you so much!" " Go!" "Go!" " I have to pee!" "Thank you so much!" "Yeah, we came in here to get some cups" " ...and the door slammed behind us." " Wrong way." "It's this way." "I had to Jimmy the lock." "I know how to Jimmy, but the door has a design flaw," " So I had to..." " Is this yours?" "Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah." "My license." "Uh, you might want to zip up your fly." "Oh, you know what..." "my hands are full." "Do you mi..." "I got it." "Okay." "Are you sure you can't see my hoo-ha?" " Okay, Jackie." " Mm-hmm." "You promised me that you would ignore your instincts." "So, no beat-boxing?" "We're just..." "I'm not gonna... okay." "No." "And in five, four, three One!" "[ camcorder beeps ]" "Hi." "I'm Jackie." "Are you looking to share your life with someone and learn ikebana, the Japanese art of flower arrangement?" "[ rapid footsteps ] Or may..." " Yeah!" "Noodle dance!" "Oh, yeah!" " Cut!" "Hey, we're working on something here, so do you mind going on the other side of the camera?" "I just wanted to see if you wanted to do the noodle dance with me." " Yellow?" " Well, I love the noodle dance." "But let me finish up here, and then I'm all yours." "Fine." "Okay, and I guess that we'll just pick up from where we left off, all right?" " Okay." " And..." "Action." "Five, four, three..." "To me." "Or maybe music is where your interests lie." "Hello!" "What does a guy have to do to get a cookie around here?" "Can just someone get the kid a cookie?" " Bertie-boo, do you mind?" " Yes, I mind." "I hate your dumb movie, and you look weird in those clothes." "[ gasps ]" "Okay, Bertie." "This is why I never work with kids." " They have no work ethic." " I know." "Hey, let's hear it for our senior class leaders, who spoke so passionately about the needs of our school." "I have to say, the haiku about the re-paved parking lot..." "That will stay with me." "So, thank you to most of you." "[ applause ]" " You want to stay and have a drink?" " Nope." "Not really." "I just want this night to be over." "Diane:" "Peter!" "One second." "[ indistinct conversations ]" "Finally." " There's just one more thing I need..." " No." " But I need..." " No." " Peter, I need your help for one minute." " No." "The answer is no." " But, Peter, I need you..." " Diane, no." "Kate and I had plans tonight." "I..." "I let you steamroll me into changing them, like you always do, but from now on, our plans come first," "So whatever it is you want me to do, do it yourself." "Fair enough." "Jason." "Apparently, Peter is unwilling to help me lift you onto the stage for the commemorative photo." "So, I'll just have to find someone else to help me." "Patty!" "Grab a wheel!" "[ thud ] We're going to lift him onstage." "Babe, thank you." "You're my hero." "But maybe you should say yes just one last time." "Yeah." "Grabbing a wheel." "[ knock on door ]" "Bert:" "I'm not here!" "Well, that's too bad, because I brought one of your favorite people here to see you." "[ as Christopher Walken ] Bert." "I-I don't understand why you won't open this door for me." "That's crazy." "Uh..." "I can never resist your Christopher Walken." "Nobody can." "What's up?" "I don't want you to get married." "Oh, well, who said anything about marriage?" "Hey, I'm just hoping to meet someone that I can hang out with." "But what about me?" "Why can't we hang out?" "Oh, we can always hang out, and we do, but I also need to spend time with someone my own age." "I keep reading "Percy Jackson,"" "even after you've gone to bed, and that's not right." "But if you meet someone, I won't be your number-one guy anymore." "Ohh!" "Bert!" "Okay, now, you listen to me." "No matter what happens, you will always be my number-one guy." "Okay?" "I promise." "Mwah." "And I don't hate your outfit." "I've just never seen your legs before." "Pete:" "Ta-da!" " [ gasps ] What's this?" " A romantic dinner for two." "I have an in with the chef." " Wow." " Yeah." "Is he 8 and Chinese?" "Uh, no, he's 15 and unusual." "Let's see what we have." "Ooh, dino nuggets" "With a trio of dipping sauces..." "Ranch, barbecue, and..." "Peanut butter." " Good choice." " Chunky." "To cleanse your palate, I can offer you a choice of fruit leather." "We have very berry cherry and purple." " Surprise me." " Very good." "And for dessert, we have whiskey." "I'll start with dessert." "I'm sorry about tonight." "It's not exactly Vouloir." "This is all I wanted." "Just you, me, some animal-shaped food, and a butt-load of whiskey." "[ sighs ]" "Kiss me." "Aw, look at that." "That's cute." "Kissy-kissy." "[ gasps ] Dino nuggets!" "I need one for the road." "And he needs a friend." "Good." "Mmm." "Yum." "Dip sauce." " Good, good." " Help yourself." "All right." "A little over-nuked, but good." "Is she wearing our bedspread?" "Oh, hello!" "I didn't see you there." "My name is Bert." "And I'm Jackie." "And this here is my number-one guy." "But I'm also looking for a real solid number two." "So, if you're the type of guy that's into ecstatic dance..." "And licorice!" "Oh, and green-tea enemas." " Ooh, and frogs!" " And shiatsu." "Both:" "Then you're the guy for us!" "[ explosion ] [ laughter ]" "So, what did you think?" "That was amazing!" "Oh." "You should probably drop out of school." " Yes!" " Yeah." " She was kidding." " Oh." "What's an enema?"