"Ah, Valentine's Day..." "The official end of Christmas." "You know, we really should start taking the Christmas tree down sooner." "Look around." "We should do a lotta things." "This whole school business is grueling." "I just turned in a book report on "Artemis Fowl."" "Now she's making us write a paper on love." "I'm 10." "I don't know anything about love." "Well, that's what the Internet's for." "Just get on it, type in "love," and see what comes up." "You know what?" "Never mind." "Hey, what are you guys doing for Valentine's Day?" "Maybe I could write my paper about that." "That'd be one sad story..." "'Cause we're not doing anything, right?" "I didn't plan anything." "I-I guess I could plan something." "I will... if you want me to." "I don't know." "I guess, if you want to." "Do you want to go to dinner or something?" "Nah, lot of people, long wait..." "Movie?" "We'll fall asleep." "We could do that at home for free." "How about we just stay home?" "We know we love each other." "We don't need to shower and put on control top pantyhose to prove it." "And since it's Valentine's," "I can bring home a bucket of chicken..." "Unless you want candy or flowers or something." "Eh, waste of money." "Just the chicken's good." "We'll eat in our sweats and fall asleep in front of the TV." "Sounds like a date." "Wait." "You're gonna want to watch sports." "Separate rooms?" "Done." "Bucket of chicken, sweats, TV, separate rooms." "Yeah, ooh, we still got it." "Guess I'm hitting the Internet." "Is your parental control password still "1-2-3-4"?" "Well, I just got the lamest assignment ever." "Get in line." "Mrs. Johnson is forcing us to write a speech or do a video on a life-changing event, something I haven't had." "I mean, people who meet me have the life-changing event 'cause of my awesomeness, but I can't very well meet myself, now, can I?" "What am I gonna do?" "Wait till the last minute, and turn in something that squeaks you by with a C minus?" "Yeah, that was totally my plan, but then I found out this is, like, 30% of my grade." "I mean, that's more than half, and I got nothing" " Nothing." "Axl, you're only 17." "Nobody expects an Earth-shattering story." "Just think of something that was meaningful to you and write about that." "You know what's life-changing?" "Helping your dad snap this tree into 400 pieces so it'll fit in the trash barrel." "Would you like to buy a Valentine's carnation?" "The white ones are for your friends." "'Cause Valentine's isn't just about boyfriends." "If you don't have a boyfriend, it's perfectly okay." "I am so glad we have boyfriends." "Me, too." "So where's Matt taking you for Valentine's Day?" "Well, he hasn't officially said anything yet, but I'm sure he will." "We already declared our love for each other, so..." "Yeah, it's probably on." "So on." "Wow." "Did you ever think we'd be in high school with boyfriends?" "I mean, me, a big-time wrestlerette with a hotshot wrestler boyfriend, and you, in freshman girls' chorus with your hot dog on a stick boyfriend." "We are ruling this school!" "Yeah." "Ooh, carnation..." " Frankie, hi." " Hey there." " Hey." " Well, isn't this a hoot, running into you?" "What are the odds?" "We should buy a lottery ticket." "Hey, that's a lot of candy." "Ugh." "Brick's class." "Apparently, it's not enough to just give out cards anymore." "Now you gotta tape on little candy hearts and lollipops." "I could smack the mom that started that tradition." "Uh-oh." "It might have been me." "So you and Mike doing anything special for Valentine's Day?" "Nah, we talked about it, but let's face it" " It's not like going out with our husbands is that much fun anyway." "It's just staring at 'em in a different location." "You know, Valentine's would be a lot more fun if you could go out with your friends." "Well, who says we can't?" "I just got a coupon in the mail for the Fountain Room." "That place with the room with the fountain?" "Mm-hmm." "They're having this amazing Valentine's Special." "You get an appetizer, choice of meat, soup, salad, endless bread bowl, pie, and coffee, for $9.99." "You know what?" "Let's do it." "Let's all go to the fountain room together." "Without the guys?" "No, we should probably bring 'em, but this way, we'll have each other to talk to." "Relax." "We're gonna buy it." "He must be new." "Dudes, it's, like, a totally lame assignment." "I mean, we're only juniors." "What big, life-changing event could we have even had?" "I know." "It sucks." "I'm probably just gonna write about the time I got trapped under the ice at Patoka Lake." "That counts, right?" "What?" "Yeah." "I can't decide between the time" "I helped deliver my baby sister at the carpet store, or the time I was pronounced dead for 2 minutes when I was 6." "What do you guys like better?" "Sue was sure Matt was going to ask her out for Valentine's Day, so she played it cool." "Well, Sue cool." "Sue, we've been in love for almost three weeks now, and I was wondering if you were doing anything for Valentine's Day." "I am not." "I am not at all." "Excellent." "I'd like to take you to this great Italian place that I know." "I have a meet the next day, so I can't eat, but I'd really enjoy watching my lady eat." "That sounds great." " Sue, are you okay?" " No, not at all." "All of a sudden, Matt's turned into the world's worst kisser." "What do you mean?" "Out of nowhere, he puts his--his tongue..." "Into... my mouth." "Oh, my God." "What is that?" "Who does that?" " Well" " I can't help but feel bad for him." "It's like he totally forgot how to kiss." "I mean, what place does a tongue have in kissing?" "What should I do?" "I mean, I don't want to embarrass him, but he has to be told. on how to tell your boyfriend he's a bad kisser." "I'm gonna go check it out." "I really need to talk to Sue more." "Sue, I'd prefer not to yell like mom does, but you're hogging the computer, and I need to research my paper on love, so if I have to, I will go there." "Let me ask you, if you were a bad kisser, which one would you rather hear from your girlfriend" ""A"-- "Ew!" "No!"" ""B"--"Would you like to peruse this pamphlet I found on kissing?"" "Or "C"--"how about we take a break from kissing and go get a fro-yo?"" "As much as I love a good pamphlet," "I'd go with fro-yo." "Fro-yo." "Hey." "Oh, hey." "New plan." "We're going out for Valentine's Day." "What?" "Oh, no." "I really liked our old plan-- The TV and the chicken." "No, no." "This is good." "It's not just us." "Ron and Bill are gonna be there." "Oh, okay." "That's fine, then." "All right." "I need everyone in here, like, now." "What's going on?" "Okay." "I finished my speech on a life-changing event." "I think I really nailed it, and I kind of want to practice on you guys." "Do I have to?" "He didn't help me take the tree out." "Ahem." ""My life-changing event, by Axl Heck."" ""There was a moment not that long ago,"" "when an event happened that changed my life, a moment that made me question everything I knew about myself to be true." "I thought this girl was really hot, and I asked her out, and she said, 'no, ' and then I was like, 'why?" "Am I not hot?" "' and I couldn't believe it, 'cause a lot of people think I'm hot, but maybe I wasn't hot." "Maybe I was wrong about being hot." "So I stood in front of the mirror, staring at myself for, like, eight hours, asking myself, 'am I hot or not hot?" "' and as I reflected on my reflection," "I realized, 'you're the ax-man." "Of course you're hot.' so then, like, I asked her out again," ""and she said, 'yes.' The end."" "Enjoy summer school." "Ohh, this is all your fault!" "You know why I haven't had a life-changing event?" "'Cause nothing in my life has happened" " Nothing!" "I mean, we're not rich enough to travel, we're not poor enough to live out of our car, mom's not on the Internet, stripping for money, and dad doesn't get drunk and beat anyone." "Not yet." "Axl, I'm sure you have plenty of things to write about if you just think about it." "What about the time you helped out at the homeless shelter?" "Shrug." "How about everything you did to help out Aunt Edie?" "Yawn." "Well, I have tons of things that changed my life" "Wrestlerettes, Justin Bieber's Christmas album, dating Matt..." "That e-mail grandma forwarded me about that wild pony..." "What about books?" "Is there any book that's had an impact on your life?" "Oh, what am I saying?" "Hey, what about the summer you spent at the lake with grandpa, and you helped him fix his boat?" "Oh, yeah." "I remember that." "Oh, I got so tan that summer, I was really hot." "You got nothin'." "I know!" "And Darrin died for 2 minutes when he was 6." "What?" "He did?" "His mother never told me this." " What happened?" " When was this?" "You guys suck." "This is my brother, and he's been very sick for a long time, with a horrible disease." "Despite all the "walks for hope" and "fun runs,"" "there is, as yet, no cure." "This has been such a life-changing event for me, his brother, Axl Heck," "Mrs. Johnson's sixth-period English." "It's the not knowing that's the hard part." "Oh, and the dying." "Actually, they're both hard." "I have to give my brother all these medicines every day." "If I could give any advice, it'd be live, love, laugh." "Some would call it burden to care for a brother so sick with this horrible disease." "I call it life-changing." "I just hope I can one day frolic in the sea." "That's all." "One day." "In the sea." "So friggin' life-changing." "Oh, and last winter, he tries to hang glide off our roof with a trash bag." "Lucky he landed on Darrin, who tried it before him, with kites taped to his arms." "The thing about teenage boys-- They're just so stupid." "I heard someone say that if you have a girl first and then a boy, you'll swear the boy is brain-damaged." "No, no." "Teenage girls are way worse, 'cause they're impressed by the stupid things teenage boys do." "Thank God." "Excuse me." "Would you like to buy a rose for your sweetheart?" "Uh-oh." "Is she here?" "Very funny." "Sure." "This is fun, isn't it?" "Yeah, good meat." "Aw." "I mean, you know, I did some bonehead things when I was young." "I mean, we all did, right?" "Oh." "I'll take one." "Aw." "I know we all did stuff, but last week, I walk in, he's in his bed, trying to cook bacon with the iron..." "No, we're good." "And then he says, uh, I should be thanking him because he's not dirtying a pan." "So how was the bacon?" "You know what?" "Not bad." "I know I said I wanted to stay home tonight, but I'm glad we went." "I had a good time." "Great." "I'm glad." "I'm glad you had a good time." "I really did." "Hey, maybe we should try our anniversary with other couples." "Yeah, maybe." "You coming to bed?" "No." "I don't think so." "I'm going to do some other things right now besides going to bed." "Okay." "Don't stay up too late." "Oh, and hey, happy Valentine's Day." "Okay, well, thanks for a great V-Day." "I gotta go." "Sue, wait." "You know what?" "These leftovers will not be good tomorrow, and they are too delicious to waste." "Ohh." "Mmm." "Garlic is the best." "Mm." "Of course my breath probably reeks." "I'm a wrestler." "I'll fight through it." "You gonna finish that?" "Oh, my God." "He did it again." "Hey." "Nice flowers." "Lucky for you, I didn't get any, so the vase is free." "This time, I tried to keep my mouth closed, but it still got in there somehow." "It's almost like he's doing it on purpose." "Yeah." "Sue..." "Here's the thing." "He is doing it on purpose." "What?" "Why?" "Why would he do something like that?" "It's so mean." "Yeah, well, it might seem mean to you now, but, you know, some people sort of like it." "Who?" "Who would like that?" "It's like having an eel in your mouth." "Oh, come on, Sue." "There are two girls that are pregnant in your class right now." "You never heard of french kissing?" "Whoa, wait a minute." "That's french kissing?" "Yeah." "What did you think it was?" "I thought it was kissing during a rainbow." "Oh, wow." "We really should talk more often." "So... do you and dad french kiss?" "What?" "Oh, well..." "Not for a while now, and certainly not tonight." "You want to know why I'm mad?" "What?" "The rose, Mike." "What-- what time is this?" "I'm the only one last night that didn't get a rose." "Hold on." "Is this for real?" "Are you really upset, or is this, like, a joke?" "Oh, yeah, it's a joke, a very famous joke." "Ha ha ha ha!" "Hilarious." "Come on, Frankie." "We don't buy into that crap." "We always laugh about how those rose ladies try to guilt you into buying a rose." "It's stupid." "Well, of course it's stupid." "Then why'd you wake me up?" "Because Ron bought Nancy one, Bill bought Paula one, and while they're sitting there twirling their pretty roses," "I'm stuck waving around a breadstick like an idiot." "It was embarrassing." "So they're big suckers who cave at the slightest bit of pressure." "I'm proud of myself." "I stuck to my guns." "Oh, yeah, you're a real inspiration." "My knight in shining..." "You think flowers are a waste of money, too." "You said so yourself." "The whole thing's a scam." "I know it's a scam." "Well, then why are you so upset?" "!" "Because all my friends got a flower, and I didn't!" "What, are you in high school?" "Are you afraid I don't like you?" "News flash, Frankie" " I like you." "I like you like you." "My prognosis is grim, but there is a small ray of hope." "I'm on the waiting list for the Mayo Clinic." "If things don't work out at the Mayonnaise Clinic," "I don't know what we're gonna do." "What are you doing?" "Mom, shh!" "We're filming here." "I'm working on my "life-changing event" project for school." "Seriously, Axl?" "You are not doing this for your school project." "Your brother's not dying." "My mom's in deep denial." "You know what, Frankie?" "You want flowers?" "Fine, I'll get you flowers." "I don't want your guilt flowers!" "They're not guilt flowers, 'cause I don't feel guilty." "I feel good!" "I stuck to my guns!" " He hides his pain with false bravado." " Oh, yeah." "Here we go." "Big hero." "It was Valentine's Day, Mike." "Valentine's Day." "It would have been a romantic gesture." "That's all I'm saying." "Romance?" "You're the one who had no interest in spending Valentine's with me until you invited your lady friends along." "Maybe you should have asked Nancy and Paula to buy you a flower." "That is not true!" " That is so not true." " It's like this every day" " I cannot believe you said that." " The arguing, the tension, so life-changing." "I wanted to do something with you, but you acted all tired and talked me into separate bedrooms with buckets of chicken." "You" " Hey, you were on board with the buckets just as much as I was!" "You're not romantic, Mike, okay?" "You're not." "You never have been." "Fine." "Whatever." "See?" "Right there." "That is why I hate Valentine's Day!" "Yeah, Valentine's Day hates you right back!" "Oh, no." "I think they might be getting a divorce." "Nothing changes a young, innocent life more than that." " Axl, would you stop filming us?" "!" " Turn that camera off." "Axl, do you want me to die or not?" "'Cause I'm gonna be late for school." "So, uh, thanks for the ride." "I'll see you tomorrow!" "Sue, w-what's going on?" "It's like you've been trying to avoid me or something." "Okay, Matt." "Here's the thing." "There's something I have to tell you, and I really hope it doesn't change things between us." "I'm an American girl, so I just want to kiss American." "If you want to kiss... international, then you'll have to find someone else." "Oh, thank God." "You're not mad?" "No." "Your braces were ripping my tongue to shreds." "It's kept me from eating, so I made weight this week, but I didn't tell you, 'cause I didn't want to hurt your feelings." "Really?" "That's so sweet! a relationship will only succeed if it's built on total honesty." "Okay." "Sometimes your hair smells funny." "Oh!" "My mom accidentally bought dog shampoo." "She says we have to use it up till it's gone." "Oh, good." "You're here." "You can sit over there next to mom." "Dad!" "Axl!" "Why am I doing this?" "We have to listen to your brother's paper." "You listened to Axl's." "In the interest of not showing favoritism, you could be a little more enthusiastic." "Is this a new thing?" "We have to listen to papers now?" ""What is love?" "Shakespeare tells us that"" "'love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind.'" "I'm only 10 and have yet to experience great love, so I chose to write about the only love I'm familiar with, the love my parents share." ""It's not a new love filled with burning passion."" ""My sister says they don't even French kiss anymore."" " Sue." " Brick!" ""But it's the little things I see them do for each other"" "that tells me what love is, like in the car, when my mom puts her hand on the back of my dad's neck and massages it..." "Or when my dad warms up my mom's car and scrapes the ice off her windshield on cold mornings..." "And how they've learned to communicate with each other," ""using their own special language."" ""It's true we don't have a lot of money,"" "but I like to think, even if we did, my parents would still be at home, hanging out together" ""Of course in a much nicer house with a jacuzzi soaking tub."" ""If you ask people"" "what they think are the greatest loves stories, they'll say Romeo and Juliet, or Hermione and Ron Weasley, and those are fine, but if you ask me, great love stories can be small," ""like my mom and dad's."" "Oh, Brick." "That was really amazing." "Really good job, buddy." "What?" "You guys liked that snooze fest, but you didn't like my paper about not being hot enough?" "Oh." "I see what's going on here." "His paper's all about you, so it's good." "Whatever." "It turned out Brick's paper affected all of us." "Ohh." "Even Axl found an appreciation for his brother's work." ""Sure, it's easy to get trapped under ice." "That's obvious."" "But when I think about what's really life-changing," "I think about the little things, like when my mom rubs my dad's neck when he's driving, or the way my dad scrapes ice off my mom's windshield on frosty mornings or their own secret language." ""Yeah, we don't have a lot of money, but even if we did..."" "Point is, we'd all survived another Valentine's Day." "'Cause let's face it-- It's a high-pressure holiday." "Lucky when you plan on loving someone for the rest of your life, you got a lot of other days to get it right."