"*" "* you won't admit you love me * * and so * * how am i ever * * to know * * you always tell me * * perhaps, perhaps, perhaps * * perhaps * * perhaps *" "* perhaps *" "i don't know what it was about him." "he was with these two other guys, but for some mysterious reason, he really stood out." "i think it must have been something very deep and spiritual." "so, what did you do?" "well, you know me." "i played it cool." "hello, i'm jane." "hello." "um, excuse me." "what?" "you're standing right in front of me." "yes." "i'm bill." "well, hello, bill." "you know, i thought you were a bill." "it really suits you." "it's one of the names i would have picked for you." "oh, i'm really interested in the science of names." "well, this is walter and harry." "fine." "i'm harry, he's walter." "either way." "sally, please!" "i said no." "did i miss anything?" "lust at first sight, contact established." "it's just one night." "come on, why not?" "shh!" "i want to hear this." "so, how did it go?" "well, there we were, just the two of us." "you're a scorpio, aren't you?" "i can always spot scorpios." "it's something i sense." "i'm not a scorpio." "i'm a scorpio." "maybe you were sensing me." "no." "sagittarius?" "sorry." "not sagittarius, either." "now isn't this strange?" "i'm normally really good at this." "i'm very attuned to astrology." "it's one of the most interesting things about me." "i-i-i've written some articles about astrology." "that's true." "harry's the expert." "i don't know that i'm actually a believer, but i do think astrology represents centuries of accumulated understanding of different personality types." "when-when you say that you're attuned, maybe that's what you were attuned to." "i'm giving a talk about this subject on wednesday night." "perhaps you'd like to come along?" "no." "capricorn?" "sorry, not a capricorn." "i'm so sorry." "may i just apologize from the very depths of my being for thinking you would have the slightest interest in anything i had to say." "don't be silly." "it was an honest mistake." "leo." "hey... what you've got to understand about harry, he's just had a big breakup." "his self-esteem is not exactly peaking." "i think turning down his lecture may have been the last straw." "harry..." "here's a little exercise i think might help you confront your problems." "if you go home tonight, sit in front of the mirror and really, really look at yourself, you might be a bit more realistic about which women you ask out in future." "well, that's it." "harry." "i was being sympathetic." "i was, you saw me." "no disrespect, but i don't think you're capable of sympathy for someone like me." "i cried at the elephant man." "i'm off. good night." "you'd better go after him, walter." "you understand what he's going through." "so, come on." "how far did you get?" "well, after we left the bar i was about to head off, because we were going in different directions." "it's always scary when you see that final corner approaching, isn't it?" "and you're thinking," ""did i touch his thigh often enough?" ""did i stare at his mouth long enough?" "did i flick my hair too much?"" "flick your hair?" "yeah, i used to over-flick." "it's so easy to cross the line between suggesting "flirtatious and approachable,"" "and suggesting there's something living in your ear." "you don't want to give the impression you acquire vermin when aroused." "tonight's hot tip." "this is great." "this is so much more detail than we ever get into." "it's like a whole pit stop for women." "patrick, why are you here?" "he needs a pretend-wife." "just for tonight." "what?" "it's a long story." "who cares?" "details, jane." "okay. we were walking along and then-- don't ask me how it happened-- but suddenly, out of nowhere, we were in each other's arms." "you look totally amazed." "hard to tell if it's the kiss or the impact of the wall." "oh, that's so sweet." "what are you doing?" "what's wrong?" "well, you were a bit horrible to my friends." "oh." "of course i wasn't." "jane, no!" "oh, bill." "do you want to do something completely wicked, huh?" "doesn't it excite you, the idea of getting caught?" "come on, bill, i can tell you're excited." "and anyway, walter can keep watch." "actually, do you mind if i just go?" "no, no." "i'll see you in a minute, okay?" "yeah, sure." "a minute?" "walter's a really good guy, jane." "oh, he's great." "you'd hardly know he was there." "listen, i'd really like to see you again." "good." "but for now... i'm going to check if walter's okay." "oh." "i'll call you." "yes. right." "you do know where to find my phone number?" "my right thigh." "hope i didn't smudge it." "see ya." "jane?" "dinner tomorrow night, my place?" "your place?" "i'm a great cook." "i'll help." "i'm a great dessert." "so that's nice, gorgeous, and can cook?" "so rare to find someone like that who doesn't have, you know, breasts." "so what's your plan of attack now?" "you're gonna be at his door in an hour." "it's all down to the dress now." "yeah." "the dress is the clincher." "sorry, am i in a dress conversation?" "i can't be in a dress conversation." "the moment you take your coat off and he sees what you're wearing, that's when it's all decided." "so what did you choose?" "i've got so many, that's the trouble." "took me all day to narrow it down to the main contenders." "oh, god." "which were?" "well... ( rings )" "hi." "hi." "dress one--black and sort of see-through." "sort of see-through." "it's quite subtle." "you can't really tell what you're looking at." "it's a dress that says," ""hello, boys." "next time bring a torch."" "does a torch work on dresses?" "patrick!" "and dress two?" "come in." "thank you." "dress two is the absolute peak of my "skimpy" collection." "i love dress two." "every time you inhale, you can see the hope in their eyes." "that's the one." "definitely." "patrick." "what's dress three?" "there is no dress three." "it's dress two then." "it's got to be." "dress one." "always go for subtlety." "so, come on." "time for the grand unveiling." "which one did you choose?" "dress three." "nice." "you look great." "so do you." "you said there was no dress three." "there isn't." "you've got nothing on under your coat?" "don't wait up." "is there somewhere i can leave my coat?" "what?" "oh, yes, my bedroom." "your bedroom." "yeah, everyone's just piled their coats on the bed." "everyone?" "i'll introduce you." "everyone, this is jane." "hello." "hi, jane." "( weakly ) hello, everyone." "listen, bit of a kitchen crisis." "can i let you just dive in and say hi?" "oh, harry?" "yeah?" "could you take jane's coat?" "a pretend-wife?" "a torch?" "apparently." "torches work on dresses?" "so what do you need a pretend-wife for?" "it's to do with some bloke at his office." "no, no, no." "different office, different firm." "this guy, ivan... i see him at conferences and stuff." "he's the same level as me, but we're always competing." "cars, office size, toilet breaks." ""toilet breaks"?" "i can retain for seven more hours than he can." "you really used to go out with this guy?" "no idea." "you've erased all other men from my memory." "must have taken a while." "anyway, ivan is always going on about this really gorgeous woman he's married." "one day i cracked." "so you invented a whole marriage?" "what, competitively?" "what choice did i have?" "i'm 33, single, with neat hair." "even i think i'm gay." "the point is, i'm meeting ivan for a drink tonight, and, oh!" "he's bringing his wife." "now that's competitive." "so i can't turn up without a wife." "how would that look?" "it would be like turning up at the golf club without a car." "you know what's great about skirts?" "when a woman's wearing a skirt, you know-- you know that, somewhere in that room, shifting all the time, there is the v.a.a.-- the visual access angle." "a clear line of sight right to base camp." "you just have to switch chairs, right, or maybe move your head a bit." "or accidentally fall on the floor." "and there'll be nothing but clear air between you and intimate sighting number one." "sorry. i was just thinking about skirts." "so why didn't you just bring your secretary?" "oh, how would that work?" "i'd have to bandage up her face or something." "you mean, he'd recognize her?" "no." "bartender: is there a steve taylor in this bar?" "there's a phone call for steve taylor." "here." "okay." "what?" "i'll do it." "oh, great." "you know what?" "i want to meet ivan." "hello?" "steve, i've gone to a dinner party, and i'm accidentally naked." "i-i'm sorry?" "this guy's invited me for dinner and i didn't think there'd be anyone else here." "steve, i'm completely naked under my coat." "what's wrong?" "it's jane." "she's stuck naked in someone else's flat." "naked?" "completely!" "she's only got her coat." "can i speak to her?" "yeah." "hi, jane." "it's jeff." "hi, jeff." "thanks." "jeff?" "uh, he's just gone to the loo." "might be some time." "what am i gonna do?" "what happens if i take off my coat?" "i really like this guy." "well, he'll certainly get that impression." "not helpful, steve." "well, why are you phoning me?" "i tried the girls." "their mobiles are off." "you can't phone me when you're naked." "you're an ex." "so?" "!" "well, susan's here." "what if she comes over and finds out you're naked?" "susan's paranoid about you." "no, steve." "she's paranoid about you." "look, i'm in the middle of a serious crisis here." "i don't have time to discuss your relationship problems." "what "relationship problems"?" "we don't have any "relationship problems."" "have you proposed yet?" "we have an understanding." "okay, there's your problem." "steve, i'm naked and surrounded by strangers!" "what's wrong with having an understanding?" "oh, for christ's sake!" "are you all right, mate?" "ivan, hi." "patrick. one minute-- just checking i've got the right place." "excellent." "massive." "okay, she's coming." "right. what have you told ivan about me?" "you won a beauty contest when you were 17, you worked as an airline stewardess, a nurse, and a catalogue model." "your bra size is 38-d, and your hobby is massage." "oh, and if it comes up, you're completely shaved." "okay." "what's my name?" "well, just choose any one you like." "i can't believe you're doing this." "patrick." "ivan." "nice place, like this a lot." "great." "oh, and this is my wife, miranda." "and you must be patrick." "hello. heard loads." "um...hello." "hello." "sorry. and, uh" "( clears throat ) this is my wife... susan." "it is good to meet you at last." "uh, no." "hang on, you see-- yeah, that's my wife, all right." "aren't you, darling?" "no actually, listen-- do you know, you're exactly as i was expecting." "no, you see, the thing-- sorry, what do you mean?" "well, silly old ivan here thought you were going to be some kind of sex bomb." "( both laughing ) look what he's got me wearing." "but here you are." "i mean, you're just so sweet, aren't you?" ""i wish i can do sweet," i'm always saying." "aren't i, dear?" "what a pity." "i'm sorry?" "didn't you want a ring on your finger?" "are you one of those girls who finds that too committing?" "personally, i think my commitment rings are deeply erotic." "not as erotic as mine." "( laughing ) i didn't marry her." "i won't go down without a fight." "well, that will be why, then." "i better just go and, um, you know." "yeah." "i didn't know he had a blonde." "i needed a blonde." "you were my first choice for pretend-wife, you're just not blonde enough." "do you think i want everyone to think i'm some mad, lonely, desperate woman?" "of course you don't." "it's just bad luck." ""i didn't marry her."" "how do you think that makes me look?" "i had to say something." "you slapped me!" "twice." "once." "don't argue." "what is wrong with having an "understanding"?" "well, have you actually told her that you're gonna marry her?" "in my own way." "your "own way"?" "well, she accidentally overheard me saying it on the phone when i thought i was talking to my ex-girlfriend." "no offense, and of course it's none of my business, but that could be the worst proposal in human history." "steve." "you're gonna have to be my husband." "patrick prefers blondes." "i love this bar." "i'm sorry?" "patrick chose susan for his pretend-wife." "i need an emergency pretend-husband." "you'll have to do." "he can't have susan for his pretend-wife." "she's my almost-fiancée." "you still haven't proposed?" "we have an understanding!" "yeah, right." "an understanding." "i don't want to be your pretend-husband." "i don't want you either, but there's absolutely nobody else available." "it has to be you, steve." "are you sure i can't take your coat?" "oh, buy a magazine!" "what?" "sorry, nothing." "you know, you're extremely difficult to talk to." "well, stop trying to undress me, then." "sorry." "i'm sorry again." "you seem very uncomfortable." "is there a problem?" "no, no." "no problem." "so it's just that you're stuck talking to the least attractive guy you've ever seen." "yeah, that's all it is." "yeah. well, i'll save you any further discomfort, then." "for the record, i have absolutely no interest in undressing you, and believe it or not, i've spent absolutely no time whatsoever imagining you naked." "well actually, that is a bit unbelievable, isn't it?" "jane." "you're not leaving, are you?" "leaving?" "why would you think i was leaving?" "you've got your coat on and you're opening the door." "well, hello, mr. jump-to-conclusions." "listen, i was just worrying about something." "when i invited you to dinner, you didn't think it would be just the two of us, did you?" "no, no. not at all." "no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no." "just the two of us?" "i never thought that. not me." "what a laugh!" "it's just that i like to take things kind of slowly." "slow?" "so do i." "that's great." "yeah, give me some of that slow." "and i just thought you might be slipping out because you were disappointed." "no, no." "not at all." "what a crazy, mad, insane, demented...sick idea." "please stay." "okay." "oh, what are you doing?" "i thought you might like to take off your coat." "my coat?" "what happened to taking things slowly?" "i'm sorry?" "it's our first date." "let's not go coat-crazy!" "what?" "!" "where's your bathroom?" "my bathroom?" "is this it?" "i just want to pop to your bathroom for a minute." "just to freshen up, nothing horrid." "oh!" "hello." "hello." "i'm emily." "hello, emily." "are you in the next flat?" "no." "oh." "you are." "oh, right." "right." "emily... does your mother have any nice dresses?" "( patrick laughing ) that's the thing about marriage, isn't it?" "it's about sacrifice." "yes, absolutely." "sacrifice." "yeah, i agree with you totally." "one hundred percent sacrifice." "a hundred and ten percent." "a hundred and fifteen." "i sacrificed so much to be with ivan." "my acting, my modeling, my musical career, my novel-writing." "i went through a phase where i just sacrificed everything." "lucky you didn't bump into any goats, then." "excellent dress." "i think i can see nipples." "how could she sit there, pretending to be a couple?" "we've got an understanding." "steve, we've got to get over there, and you've got to pretend to be my husband." "i can't have complete strangers thinking i'm some kind of man-repellent psychopath." "bad enough from the people who know me." "so, susan, you must have made lots of sacrifices to be with patrick." "probably not as many as you did, darling." "oh, i bet she did, actually." "didn't you, darling?" "my little filly, she made sacrifices all over the place." "didn't you, susan?" "absolutely, patrick, honey." "what do you think was your biggest sacrifice?" "your number one, seriously massive, senior executive, corner-office sacrifice?" "what would that be?" "well, that would have to be... my penis." "kidding!" "i've still got my penis." "kidding!" "never had a penis, and that's what we've got in common." "( chuckles nervously ) look, all i'm asking you to do is sneak into mummy's room and steal an expensive-looking dress." "mummy doesn't have expensive dresses." "mummy says we can't have expensive things because of the government and daddy's girlfriend." "i only get little presents and no crisps." "right." "what do mummy's dresses look like?" "fat with big flowers." "okay." "let's forget about mummy." "do you have a big sister?" "an au pair?" "is daddy's girlfriend staying?" "melissa's got dresses." "she's got lots." "and what age is melissa?" "twenty-two and three quarters." "oh, that's perfect!" "so am i." "what's her nicest dress?" "her little black one." "that sounds lovely." "could you go and get it?" "and don't tell melissa." "okay." "bill: jane?" "yes?" "are you okay in there?" "still freshening up." "it's just..." "taking longer than i expected." "jane." "did you get the dress?" "yes." "can i have it?" "!" "no." "so, susan, do you work, or does patrick manage to support you?" "well, i think it's important for women to keep their independence." "we have a marriage of equals." "( scoffs ) she's just kidding again." "i often thought i'd like a part-time job as a top-flight fashion consultant." "you see, i'm very interested in clothes." "really?" "you should wear some." "how do you do that?" "do what?" "( laughs ) men." "no, there was this beam of light." "you are so poetic." "actually, i think it's coming from over there." "yeah, it'll be some guy with a torch, as usual." "so you don't mind your husband groping my wife, then?" "well, i-- no, no." "it's, um...it's fine." "we're not exclusive, either." "please, emily!" "melissa needs her dress." "okay, listen." "here's an idea." "melissa can have my coat." "you give me her dress, and she can have my coat." "coats are better than dresses." "okay." "okay." "give me the dress." "my mummy's coming!" "well quickly, then!" "quickly!" "come on, come on!" "here's the dress." "good night, jane." "oh, come on." "are you really telling me alittle hottie like you has never swapped?" ""swapped"?" "i think patrick's quite into the idea." "no, no." "not at all. not me." "unless you'd like to-- no!" "sorry, no." "absolutely not." "i told you, dear." "not everyone is sophisticated like us." "the thing is, ivan... i don't share my woman." "it's like finding the right tennis racket." "once you've got one you really like using, you keep on using it until it falls apart and you have to get a new one." "only more emotional." "point is, i'm a one-woman guy, and susan's a one-man woman." "maybe you guys aren't like that, but then maybe you guys haven't experienced real love." "everybody, i'd like you to meet my husband steve." "susan, i love you more than i can tell you." "will you marry me?" "yes." "yes, yes." "of course i will!" "for god's sake!" "i thought it was time for the grand gesture." "it is." "let's go home." "oh, patrick, i'm sorry about this." "oh, that's okay." "no biggie." "and congratulations!" "oh, well." "easy come, easy go." "care to join us?" "yeah, why not?" "fancy a fresh drink?" "no, i'll just carry on with susan's." "what were we talking about?" "i was asking if you swapped." "right." "( laughs ) what?" "she's not even a real blonde." "how would you know?" "thanks." "okay, the dining room is the first door" "oh, hello, everyone." "( clears throat ) i'm feeling a bit of a chill coming on, so i thought i might sneak off home and get an early night." "sorry, bill." "some other time?" "i seemed to have mislaid my coat." "i hope you don't mind if i borrow this one." "oh, and, harry?" "yeah?" "stop imagining me naked." "* if you can't make your mind up * * we'll never get started * * and i don't wanna wind up * * being parted, broken-hearted * * so if you really love me * * say yes *" "* and please don't tell me * * perhaps, perhaps, perhaps *"