"[archer] I don't know, but I think we're pretty close." "What?" "Well, blame these road signs," "They don't have any vowels." "Yes, and thanks for watching a.J., I-- [sighs] no, as a matter of fact," "I don't think it's a good opportunity to quote," ""work some of that fat off her," unquote." "I-- mother, she's a goddamn baby!" "[lana moans]" "No, I have to go, so" " I will." "And if I find out you gave her diet pills, mother," "No kidding, I will have you arrested." "[moaning continues] do what?" "Who's havin' a rest?" "I heard you, now I gotta go, goodbye." "[beep] hey, sleepyhead." "[yawning] hey, you." "Mm, man, I was out." "[chuckling] yeah, you were." "Mm, where are we?" "Uh..." "Seriously, what is this, the shire?" "N-no, it's..." "Wait, wait, wait." "What the shit?" "Where are we?" "[gasps] where is a.J.?" "She's with mother, calm down, I-- why am I in a car?" "In a trench coat and lingerie?" "Why am I-- and oh, my god, there was a vagina in your sink!" "Okay, technically, yes, but" "I caught you cheating on me." "No, you didn't, because no, I wasn't." "Stop the car." "Let me out." "Lana." "Stop it now." "Calm down?" "Calm down." "Yes, I can explain if you" "Yeah, explain how I just woke up in weird clothes," "In a weird car in" "Archer, where are we?" "[sighs]" "Wales." "Wales?" "Yeah, surprise is ruined." "No, it's not." "I am extremely surprised." "Really?" "Because the last thing I remember," "We were arguing in your bedroom." "Yeah, I wanted to explain everything," "But you were totally freaking out," "So I thought, "let's go somewhere neutral," you know, talk things out," "So we're going to this little farm right on the coast." "It's remote, but it's got this real kind of rugged beauty," "You know?" "It's actually very romantic." "Huh, so just curious," "What happened between your bedroom and right now?" "Well, you were hysterical, lana," "So I thought the best thing to do would be" "Inject you with a tranquilizer, drive you to a private airfield," "Put you on a cia plane, fly you overnight to wales," "And then that brings us to now." "Huh." "And I know drugging women isn't cool, at all," "Ever, and obviously, I would never ever do that" "For any sort of sexual assault-y reason." "I mean, for one thing, I'd never need to." "That was what the whole fight was about in the first place, right?" "Women throwing themselves at me." "[gagging]" "Stop the car." "Sorry, maybe you can't hear me" "Over the sound of all the blood vessels" "Bursting in your eyes, [gagging] lana." "I said stop." "[screams]" "[screaming continues]" "[groans]" "Well, I hate to say it, but you were right." "It is kind of romantic." "[glass clinking] yeah, right?" "I'm pretty sure there's a fireplace." "♪" "[archer] there, see?" "Quaint little farmhouse." "A cozy little fire going." "I mean, this place is right out of a fairy tale." "Yeah, a fairy tale in which the heroine" "Is drugged and kidnapped." "You realize that's, like, every fairy tale?" "I do now..." "That you mentioned it." "Don't yell at me, I'm not the one advocating" "Rape and child-cannibalism." "No, you're the one who's ex-girlfriend" "Left her robot vagina in your sink." "Unbeknownst to me, lana!" "Jesus, we've been through this ten times already." "Well, sorry I'm hazy on the details" "Of what happened right before I was drugged" "And stuffed in a cargo hold." "It wasn't the ca-- you were in a seat." "Is that supposed to make it better?" "That is better, like, empirically." "I am leaving." "No, no, no, wait, wait, wait." "Let me explain." "If you don't let go of me," "You're gonna have to explain how those tampons" "Got driven into your brain." "Thanks for these, by the way." "And lana, I swear, I didn't call katya." "I just came home and there she was." "And why would she just show up?" "I think the idiots called her." "What idiots?" "Alrighty, can someone give me a hand?" "But, doctor, I thought the patient was getting the hand." "Speaking of hands, nurse, I-- overplaying yours?" "Well, I was going to say, "putty in yours," my dear," "But I'll have to hand it to you." "Hmm, keep your hands to yourself, doctor." "[cyril] can we have a show of hands," "Who thinks this is getting out of hand?" "God damn it!" "Can you please shut up" "And sew on my robot hand?" "Hand job." "So, they called katya" "Because they're jealous we're dating?" "She shows up." "Unbeknownst." "And nothing happens, even though all your clothes get burned off," "Champagne gets jizzed everywhere," "And her vag winds up in the sink." "Yes." "So, you're saying it was" "Literally a farce, exactly, yes." "[groans] lana, come on," "Whose life-- through no, or sometimes maybe moderate" "Fault of his own -- is as farcical as mine?" "Hmm, you still shouldn't have drugged me." "No, I know, that was-- extremely uncool." "Mm, that's not, though, holy shit." "Right?" "Glengoolie." "And after we're done here, well, we'll have to rent a new car," "But we can drive up to the distillery and" "Done here, at our romantic fairy-tale getaway" "Where you make up for the idiot archer shit" "You pulled over the past 24 hours?" "Yes, and..." "Here's the thing." "[door crashes open] what the sh" "Freeze!" "Whoa, whoa, steady off" "Freeze, or I'll-- have no weapon." "Archer!" "Ah, so you're archer." "Yes." "And are those tampons?" "Also yes." "Right, so, if he's archer," "I suppose that makes you lana kane." "I..." "Yes, actually, and I suppose that makes you" "Who the hell are you?" "Lloyd llewellyn." "This is my brother dafydd." "Say hello to the lady, dafydd." "Hello, lady." "Hello, human giant." "And follow-up question." "Why the hell are you here?" "Ah, have you not told her?" "Yeah, so, even though it's a romantic fairy-tale getaway," "There's also kind of a work component..." "To it." "Lana?" "What?" "Come on, it's like, 30 bucks a glass." "[lana] so, if I understand" "The situation correctly," "We're supposed to help these terrorists who" "Well, you obviously don't understand the situation" "Because we're not terrorists." "We're freedom fighters." "They're the free wales army, lana." "[speaking foreign language]" "Oh yeah, that's-that's right, dafydd, good lad." "Leg hurts." "Yes, it will do, dafydd, you've been shot." "So, we're supposed to help george and lennie here" "Out of the country because they're wanted by mi-5?" "Yeah, that's what mother said." "Mi-5?" "From England?" "Our ally." "Well, they're no ally to wales." "What are you-- it's the same country, lloyd." "[gasps]" "Tell that to dyffryn ddibwys." "Duffer who?" "Dyffryn ddibwys." "It was a town in wales that had stood proudly" "For a thousand years," "Until the saesneg, the english," "Deliberately flooded it." "Oh, my god, to drown everybody?" "No, to make a reservoir." "They need water, so they built a dam" "And that flooded dyffryn ddibwys," "And all the people lost their homes." "My god, countless thousands of them." "Well, 48." "Thousand?" "No, just 48, four dozen." "Are you-- still, though." "So, now they're all homeless?" "Well, no, they were compensated," "So they got new houses somewhere else" "And were, in many cases, much nicer ones." "But, then what's the problem?" "Who're you, josephine stalin?" "That shit wouldn't happen in america." "Yes, it would," "And does all the time." "The tva has flooded thousands of americans out of their homes." "The what?" "Tennessee valley authority?" "Hmm?" "[sighs]" "Remembered deliverance?" "How the whole valley was going to be flooded?" "Lana, I hate to break it to you," "I even hate to even say it out loud," "But deliverance was just a movie." "Oh, my god." "So what exactly" "Are you wanted by mi-5 for?" "We tried to blow up a dam." "A dam?" "What, to flood" "A bunch of other people out of their homes?" "Well, not real people, just english ones." "[inhales] excuse me." "[scoffs] christ, is she always this angry?" "She's not mad at you, lloyd, she's mad at me." "For what?" "Um, okay." "So I was engaged to this smokin' hot russian woman... [cyril] lieutenant ginger bayliss." "Clamp." "Played by odessa cleveland." "Who later had a guest spot as a nurse on trapper john, m.D." "What?" "Starring pernell roberts" "As the titular trapper john somehow." "In a drama, which was totally weird." "But not as weird as ed asner." "Mary tyler moore's lou grant." "Playing lou grant in the show lou grant," "Which was also a drama." "[cheryl/carol] okay, yeah, but besides one nurse," "Mash  didn't have any black characters." "Actually, it did have one." "And his name was spearchucker." "[both] what?" "Spearchucker jones." "[chuckling] I mean" "Okay, yeah, maybe in the book" "Or that crazy football movie, but I'm talking about" "Yeah, the show, on network television." "In america, and not that long ago." "[lana] but how is this even possible?" "[malory] now, I know it may seem strange." "What, aiding our ally's enemies?" "Well, it makes sense." "When you're the biggest kid in the school yard," "If your little friends have a bully..." "You want them to come running to you." "Exactly." "And slater says" "Wait, you talked to slater?" "Yes, lana, now obviously I've spoken to slater." "And he says the cia does this sort of thing" "All the time, so..." "So, did he say why he keeps giving us these assignments" "That always seem to blow up in our faces?" "No." "Although, speaking of blowing up" "Malory, she's a baby." "And she weighs exactly as much as she's supposed to," "So you better be feeding her." "[dial tone] I am!" "It's just-- hello?" "[beep] [scoffs] please." "As if I wouldn't feed you." "[fusses]" "Now, who wants a widdle ice chip?" "[crying]" "No?" "I suppose you prefer a nice big bottle" "Of that liquid butter fat." "Goat, I swear to christ," "I'll have your hide as boots and the rest of you as a curry." "Go on, shoo." "Shoo-- it." "[vehicle approaching]" "Shit, shit." "Oh shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit." "[archer] no shit, I'm telling you guys," "Katya looked absolutely a-mazing." "The tiniest, laciest lingerie you've ever seen," "Sexy stiletto heels." "And a good body, eh?" "Good?" "I mean, you're from the u.K.," "So you don't have anything to compare it to," "But no, lloyd, not good, insane." "[moaning] dafydd." "[archer] and she was like, rubbing all over me." "[growls] [lloyd] but nothing happened?" "[archer] no, nothing." "[gasps]" "Well, except for the goodbye kiss," "Which was definitely nsf-wales if you know what I mean." "Oh, you little-- [bardsley] I say!" "Pardon me, madam?" "Hello?" "Lana, hey." "We were just..." "Not talking." "Shut up." "Already was, so" "So, is it possible" "You two were followed here by mi-5?" "[humming] um Yeah." "What?" "Yeah, they're quite good." "Son of a" "Archer, passport." "What?" "Why do you-- give me your passport!" "Here." "Oh, for the love of-- randy randleman?" "Yeah, randy grew up on the wrong side of the tracks," "Ran with the bad crowd, got in some trouble," "Went to juvie." "He worked in the mess hall there," "Fell in love with cooking, and so when he got out," "He went to culinary school." "And now he's got two restaurants, lana," "One michelin star," "And a marriage that's on the rocks." "He's here to go balls deep on farm-to-table," "You know, trying to get back to basics." "Archer!" "Like that time rocky went to russia." "[groaning] just get in that closet over there" "And take lurch with you." "Dafydd." "Wait, he's the one they're looking for," "Why am I getting in the closet?" "Because I said so!" "How is your american accent?" "[american accent] um, I guess it's okay." "I mean, like, you know, people are always, like, you know" "Like, you know, it's crap." "No, dude, people really dig it." "[scoffs] people from where?" "Dude, quebec?" "He's the one who should be in the closet." "No, wait, oh, hang on." "Lana, why am I in the closet?" "Because I said so." "I think this will really help sell it." "[archer] what?" "Randy doesn't wear nerd goggles." "He's a culinary bad boy." "[knocking] [bardsley] open the door, please." "[stage whisper] get in the closet." "I am getting in the closet" "Because I choose to get in the closet." "Come on, gort." "Dafydd." "Okay, randy, follow my lead." "[clears throat] yes?" "Good afternoon." "My name is bardsley, I'm with mi-5." "[gasps] mi-5, my goodness." "Please, do come in." "What's the problem here?" "Well, the problem, mr." "Randleman, randy randle-man." "I'm an american." "Right." "Yeah, I'm here to learn about farm tables." "I beg your pardon?" "I thought it was dams." "Shh!" "Come on, buddy." "Dafydd." "Farm-to-table, he meant to say." "He's a chef." "An american chef." "He knows you're american, honey." "[chuckles]" "The reason I'm here" "We're searching for welsh terrorists." "Welsh terrorists?" "Is there even such a thing?" "Yes, I'm afraid so." "The self-styled free wales army." "[speaking foreign language] shh!" "[whispering] if you stay really, really quiet," "I will buy you a puppy" "That you will probably accidentally strangle." "And we have reason to believe they're in the area" "And that one of them is wounded," "So we're canvassing all the farms," "And when we saw the damaged vehicle" "A bee flew in it." "And I crashed." "A bee." "Flew into a convertible?" "Look, our marriage is on the rocks," "And also I have two michelin tires, so" "Right." "May I just see your passport again, please?" "[lana clears throat]" "Oh, good heavens." "Wow!" "What the shit!" "[aroused chuckling]" "This is actually why we're here in wales." "To try and save our marriage." "Oh my god, baby, I-I think it's working." "[bardsley] are you joking?" "Or insane?" "Do you really expect me to believe" "You came to wales for a romantic getaway?" "Easy, bro." "Wales is kickass!" "Honey!" "I do, because we did." "I mean, if this weren't a romantic getaway," "Would I be doing This?" "[moaning]" "What the shit?" "[lana] or this?" "[glasses clinking] [strained groaning] closet rampage." "Right, then." "Obviously I made an extremely embarrassing mistake, so-- [door crashing] what the shit, lana?" "Ah-ha!" "Ah-ha, what?" "Who is this man?" "I'm-- wait, shit, who am I?" "You're lloyd llewellyn, if I don't miss my guess," "Which means your brother dafydd can't be too far off." "In the closet, jacking off in a hat." "Dafydd!" "[dafydd] no, I'm not." "Yes, you are!" "And I'm not lloyd llewellyn." "He is." "Oh, archer!" "Archer?" "As in sterling archer?" "Yes, you idiot." "What?" "As in sterling archer of the cia?" "I mean, no you idiot, I mean, I'm" "My god, then you must be lana" "Way to go, randy." "[groans] how is this randy's fault?" "Oh, I'm sorry, did someone else just barge in here" "Yelling their idiot head off about being with the cia?" "Oh, I don't know." "Was someone else making out" "With frodo p." "Gryffindor here" "Just to make someone else jealous?" "Well, maybe now you know how I feel." "Actually, I don't know how you feel, lana," "Because I didn't make out with katya." "Oh no?" "You didn't jam your fat tongue" "Down her throat on that goodbye kiss?" "[gasps] you were eavesdropping!" "Yeah, I'm a spy." "Oh, right." "And I also heard you raving" "About how insane katya's body was." "Is!" "But not as insane as your mind." "And her stilettos and her lingerie" "And her big, fat, vibrating robot vagina!" "And you're making my point for me." "And-- how?" "It's easy not to bang your ex if she's got all frump-a-dump." "The fact that katya is still crazy hot" "Makes it all the more commendable" "I didn't bang her." "I'm sorry, I think one of us" "Must have just suffered a massive stroke." "Oh sorry, that's me, just making toast." "[dafydd] toast!" "Yes, come and have some toast, dafydd." "Make him wash his hands first." "Okay, so, what do we do about this?" "Well, apparently since we're seeing other people now, [lloyd] oh?" "Not you." "Not us." "I meant sleepy floyd here." "Right, shit, he knows we're with the cia" "Thanks to your fat mouth." "Well, it was your fat mouth all over him" "That started this whole thing." "Here, both of you, get your fat mouths" "Around some hot, crispy toast." "[dafydd] toast!" "Damn it, dafydd, come and have some toast." "It's obvious what we have to do with him." "[munching on toast]" "Shoot him." "What?" "We're not shooting an mi-5 agent." "That's like shooting a cow." "How is that like-- lana, cows are our friends." "They may even be our best friends." "We have to shoot him." "If we don't, downing street will know" "The cia's bankrolling the free wales army." "[dafydd speaking foreign language]" "Dafydd, come and have the bloody toast," "Or I'm throwing it in the bloody bin." "He does have a point, lana." "Yeah, I hate to waste good toast." "We are not murdering an mi-5 agent." "End of sentence, end of discussion." "Are you sure there's nothing I can do" "Or say to change your mind, lana?" "Very." "Well, then, can you hold the toast?" " Damn it!" " Lloyd?" "Yeah, grabbed it while you were arguing." "You never read rosenberg's writings" "On nonviolent communication?" "No." "Nope." "It really helped me and dafydd." "Well, maybe we'll check that out." "Eh, don't bother." "Because before I shoot this mi-5 asshole," "I'm gonna have to shoot the both of you." "Wait, what?" "Oh, don't worry," "We'll always have" "Do you think he was going to say "table"?" "I think probably wales." "[dafydd] lloyd!" "So, that's a problem." "[growls]" "Nope, that is your problem." "Then may I have the gun, please?" "[growling continues] no." "Oh, my god, you are so immature." "And you are so Big." "[light chuckle] this is going to be all, dan'l boone." "[roars]" "Alrighty, I think that's got it." "Nurse, would you close for me?" "You already did that, doctor." "Oh, right." "Well then, would you open for me?" "God damn it, stop sexually harassing me!" "Sorry." "[scoffs]" "Jesus." "Seriously." "Come on, tinker toy," "Let's go pound some homemade gin." "So, wait, how did we get to talking about" "African-american characters on mash?" "Well, the mash  connection is obvious," "Perhaps even painfully so," "But the africian-american thing?" "Nope, no idea." "[archer] but all things considered," "That went about as well as could be expected." "Oh yeah?" "Which part?" "Leaving two welsh terrorists basically at large" "Or kidnapping an mi-5 agent?" "Well, first of all, both." "How" "And second of all, I was talking about our argument" "And how now you realize you overreacted about katya." "I-- oh, my god." "Admit it, lana." "I admit nothing." "Although, I do think we both learned" "That trust is important and, I don't know, whatever." "Trust." "Is that the best I'm going to get out of you?" "Yup, by far." "Well, then I accept your non-apology." "And?" "Oh, my god, and I promise to try not to get into" "Compromising situations with other women." "Best I can do." "Well, then let's just get this limey bastard" "On that cia plane and let slater worry about the blowback." "You don't think they'll kill him, do you?" "No, then they'll have to kill us." "But before we go back to the states..." "Archer, I am not driving to scotland" "With a kidnapped mi-5 agent in the back" "Just to visit a stupid distillery." "It's not stupid, lana, it's..." "Although you're right, it's probably not" "The smartest idea I ever had." "Hmm, what is?" "Oh, my god, I'm glad you asked." "Okay, so, you put giant magnets on the bumper of all the cars" "So that every car repels every other car," "So there would never be any accidents." "Except every single time you're at a red light," "And a car comes and bounces you out into the intersection" "And then you get the shit t-boned out of you." "Thanks for the tampons." "♪" "Made in georgia."