"( grunts )" "( groans )" "Well, you fell for the old remote-controlled- self-propelled- spinning-doorknob trick." "Who are you and what branch of Kaos do you work for?" "Talk now or you'll never talk again." "( grunts )" "I'll talk." "My name is Otto." "I work for" "( phone rings )" "Hold it a minute." " Hello." " Chief:" "Max, this is the chief." "Listen, Chief, could you call back in a few minutes?" "I'm a little busy." "R-6 emergency." "Get down to the office immediately." " But Chief, I" " I said R-6 emergency." "Drop whatever you're doing and get right down here." "Right, Chief." "( phone ringer warbles )" " Yes?" " 99?" "The Chief." "R-6 emergency." "Get to the office." "Oh, Chief, I can't right now, I" "Right now." "Don't waste a second." "Right, Chief." " Hey, where are you going?" " I'm terribly sorry, but I'm afraid you're gonna have to get yourself another model." "I haven't finished the assignment, though." "I guess you're gonna have to get into the tub." "Please, Mom." "What's this all about, 99?" "Well, I was working as a model" " A model?" " Yes, that's my cover this month." "And then right in the middle of the sitting, the chief called." "Oh." "Well, I guess it must be big." "It's an R-6 emergency." "Come on." "( gasps )" "All right, who are you and what are you doing in the chief's office?" "( theme music playing )" "Max, I think it's the chief." "If that's the chief, I'm Abraham Lincoln." "Max!" "Four score and seven years ago..." "All right, Max, now let's get down to business." "The reason I called you both down here is because" "Max, will you please stop staring?" "It's not that conspicuous, is it?" " Oh, no no no!" "Not at all, Chief, no." " No, no no!" "As a matter of fact it's a very handsome rug." " It's not a rug." " That's what I say, Chief." "It's not a rug." "What is it?" "It's a hairpiece." "It augments my hair." "That's what I say, Chief." "It augments your hair." "Now will you stop staring?" "We're waiting for you to tell us why you called us, Chief." "Now I asked you both to come down here because..." "This morning I received a phone call that may change the destiny of our entire organization." ""Week News" magazine is going to do a feature story on us." ""Week News" magazine?" "They picked us over Eddie Fisher, Ho Chi Minh, and the president's grandson." "Do you think publicity is such a good idea, Chief?" "Of course it is." "The CIA is in the newspapers all the time." "And the FBI has its own television show." "We're the only secret organization in the world that nobody ever heard of." "No pictures will be used and no names at any time." "I cannot impress upon you the importance if this." "A favorable story can mean recognition for us, importance, and an increased budget." "Now the image we will have to present has to be vigorous, efficient-- young." "I guess that's the reason for the rug, huh, Chief?" "I've had this a long time." "I've just not had any reason to use it before." "Well, what do you want us to do, Chief?" "I don't know yet." "All I know is that Mr. Fitzmaurice-- he's the man who'll be writing the article-  asked that you be here." " ( intercom buzzes )" " Yes?" " Larrabee:" "Mr. Fitzmaurice is here." "Oh, of course, Larrabee." "Send him right in." "He's here now." "Now, Max, try not to get into his way." "And stop staring!" "This way, Mr. Fitzmaurice." "My secretary and research assistant, Miss Magruder." "How do you do?" "Ah... paneled, old-fashioned offices..." "Mr. Fitzmaurice, this is Agent 99." "Young, raven-tressed 99." "And this is Agent 86." "Beady-eyed, black-haired 86." "And I'm the chief." "Middle-aged, uh... toupeed Chief." "Uh, won't you sit down, sir?" "Deep, comfortable couch." "I'm afraid there isn't time." "I'll come straight to the point." "In order to make this story different," "I decided personally to accompany a team of Control agents while they're working on the job from start to finish." "I've studied hundreds of dossiers" "( chuckles ) and I've decided on you two." "Well, we're very honored." "Well, we'll see." "Agent 86, we will meet at your apartment at precisely 9:00 tomorrow morning." "All of you will give your full cooperation to Miss Magruder in acquiring any background material." "I thank you." "Miss Magruder." "Well Max, it looks like the fate of Control is in your hands." " Any questions?" " Yes, Chief." "Are you sure you haven't got that thing on backwards?" "Get out, Max." ""Get out." Come, on, 99." "You now have in your possession-- and I trust you have absorbed-- the schedule of Maxwell Smart's and 99's activities for tomorrow." "It should be easy to arrange an ambush and eliminate the two of them." "That's exactly what we do not want." "We're after bigger game-- to eliminate Control." "I don't understand." "I spent two years gaining Mr. Fitzmaurice's confidence." "It was I who suggested he do this feature story on Control." "If we can make them and the entire Control organization look foolish," "Mr. Fitzmaurice will write the kind of feature article that will put Control permanently out of business." "With Maxwell Smart in charge, what other kind of story can he write?" "We cannot depend on Smart's natural stupidity." "We must help it along, add to it." "Boris, Otto, as of this moment we commence" ""Operation Ridiculous."" "This doesn't seem like a very interesting case-- protecting the foreign minister of a neutral country for a day." "You don't understand." "Kaos will do anything to stop that foreign minister from making that speech tomorrow morning." "Just a moment." "You are about to see your first demonstration of one of Control's unique safety devices." "Now that pipe looks like an ordinary rainspout." "But actually what happens is when you turn this little knob, it becomes a periscope which goes up to the roof, enabling you to have a bird's-eye view of the entire neighborhood." " Very impressive." " Would you like to take a look?" "Oh, I should be delighted." "What in the name of--?" "!" "Agent 86!" "Well here we are, Mr. Fitzmaurice." "An open car?" "Isn't that a bit conspicuous?" "There is nothing as inconspicuous as a conspicuous car." "Get in." "It may interest you to know, Mr. Fitzmaurice, that this car is equipped with every protective device known to science." "For example, this little button activates a .50 caliber cannon machine-gun." "( washer fluid splashes )" "Sorry about that." "Now this little knob over here activates the ejector seat." "( whirring )" "Now this knob over here activates the smoke screen." "Now this knob over here fires the .50 caliber machine-gun cannon." "( engine starts )" "Max:" "Well, we made it." "Fitzmaurice:" "We certainly did." "Mr. Fitzmaurice, what happened?" "I met with an accident-- him!" "I hope you're not gonna let that little incident in the car change your opinion of me." "Oh, it doesn't change it." "It merely confirms it." "Max, we met with the foreign minister and he's willing to meet with Mr. Fitzmaurice." "Miss Magruder and I are going back to the chief's office to get some more background information." "Very well, 99." "But be very careful." "The streets don't seem safe today." "Well, Mr. Fitzmaurice, you are about to see for yourself the thorough, effective and ingenious methods by which Control protects those who represent the forces of goodness and niceness in their ever-recurring battle against the forces of evil and badness." "You can use that sentence in your article if you like." "Now as you know, the foreign minister is here in room 822a." "Now this may look like an ordinary door to you, but observe." "You open the door." "Not this door." "That door." "Clever!" "False room 822, false foreign minister, and... false window." "False corridor B, false elevator number one, false maid" "Not bad, Larrabee, but I think you'd do a lot better if you shaved your arms." "And here we have false room 822." "Well!" "False room 822a, false foreign minister B," "and false window C." "False corridor C, false elevator two, false maid B, false room 822b." "All seems very effective." "Yes." "It's a little hard on room service, though." "Are there any real rooms on this floor?" "Naturally not, because, you see, this is a false eighth floor." "Oh, this is a false eighth floor?" "Yes, the real eighth floor is on the ninth floor." "Oh, then the floor below this is the seventh floor." "No, you see, we didn't have room in this building for the seventh floor, so we put it in the building next door." "Now the building next door has two seventh floors." " Two seventh floors?" " Yes, it's a very interesting thing to know in case you ever go there, which you probably won't, because the building next door is a false building." "The building next door is a false building?" "Yes." "Now you see, this is control's own special floor." "There's only one real room on the whole floor and this is it." " Fantastic!" " Here, come on." "Well, Mr. Fitzmaurice, I hope you see how brilliantly" "Control protects its friends." "Foreign Minister Udano, I'd like you to meet" "Mr. Fitzmaurice of "Week News."" "How do you do?" "Another false foreign minister?" "Max:" "No, a dead one." " ( minister groans )" " Wait a minute." "This man isn't dead." "He's unconscious." "At least he's lying down." "It's obvious that he's been drugged." "We'd better get him over to the Control lab right away." "They'll know what to do." "What's the matter?" "Haven't you ever seen artificial respiration before?" "Rather a strange place for a laboratory." "Yes, it's another one of Control's ingenious hideouts." "You see, our chief scientist, Dr. Steele, is a chorus girl." "Oh." " Wardrobe trunk door." " Oh, naturally." "Do you have such a thing as a "door door" in this organization?" "Yes, but it's a window." "Oops." "( knocks )" " Dr. Steele, are you decent?" " Uh-huh." "Have to be careful." "Last time I just walked right in and she was-- you know." "Dr. Steele, here's the patient." "Put him there, please." "Dr. Steele, this is Mr. Fitzmaurice of "Week News" magazine." " Nice to meet you." " How do you do?" "Mr. Fitzmaurice, Dr. Steele is one of the world's greatest experts in the field of drugs and poisons." "Graduate of Stanford, six years at Johns Hopkins, four years at the Winthrop Institute of Research, and two years on the road with "Hello, Dolly!"" "Well!" "He's obviously been under the influence of some powerful drug." "He has to make a speech before the joint sessions of Congress tomorrow." "Will he be all right by then?" "If I can't find an antidote by tomorrow," "I'll go back to the Radio City Rockettes." "Bring him in here." "Easy..." " What happened?" " We were talking to him, Max, and he just fell over at his desk." "He's alive, but we can't seem to wake him up." "Put him over here, please." "Is this a normal day at Control?" "Oh, no." "The day has just begun." "Uh, what I mean is, Dr. Steele will have them both back on their feet in no time." "He's under the influence of the same kind of drug." "I'd venture to guess it's akin to curare," " only not as deadly." " ( dart cracks )" "However, I am sure that I can find an an-- ti dote." "Dr. Steele!" "Dr. Steele!" "I think I've seen enough of Control in action." "I'm ready to write my feature article." "Come, Miss Magruder." "Max:" "One question, Mr. Fitzmaurice" "Will it be a favorable article?" "Is he putting me on?" "Come, Miss Magruder." "All right." "Well, thank you anyway, Professor Stamen." "It's no use, Max." "Without a sample of the drug," "Professor Stamen can't make an antidote for it." "At this rate, they may be asleep three or four more days." "Max?" " Max!" " ( gasps )" "Don't ever do that, 99!" "Max, you frightened me." "I thought they had gotten you too." "I was just thinking." "I always think with my eyes shut." " Do you?" " Yes." "Maybe that's why I had so much trouble in school." "I always knew the right answers, but I could never see where to write them down." " Oh, Max." " 99, I know who the Kaos agent is." "Who, Max, who?" "Would you believe..." "Ah, come in, 86." "Well, how is the article coming, Mr. Fitzmaurice?" "Oh, splendid." "Splendid." " You know, I'm almost finished." " I'm glad to hear that... because you're under arrest!" "I beg your pardon?" "It's really quite simple." "You're a Kaos agent and you're trying to destroy Control." "Max, you can't mean that!" "Keep out of this, 99." "I know what I'm doing." "Take all this down, Miss Magruder." "I might want to change my article." "I feel I've been a bit too kind." "So you think I'm a member of Kaos, do you?" "( laughs ) Now how did you leap to that conclusion?" "It's an open-and-shut case." "You had access to all our files." "You were in the room with the foreign minister and you were in the room with Dr. Steele." "And how do you explain about the chief?" "I was with you all day." "Oh, well, every open-and-shut case has its loophole." "Uh, but I'm sure there's a connection someplace." "Max, the only two people with the chief this morning were Miss Magruder and I." "Oh. 99, have you had a security check lately?" "Max." "And Miss Magruder and I met with the foreign minister." "Miss Magruder, may I borrow your pencil?" "Sometimes it's good to get all the facts down on paper." "Please, Miss Magruder, it's only a pencil!" "Max, that's it!" "That's how she did it!" "It's a poison dart pencil!" "Put it down!" "What is this all about?" "Miss Magruder used that pencil to drug the chief and Dr. Steele and the foreign minister." "Of course, Max suspected her all the time but he had no proof." "Pretending to arrest you was just a clever ruse to get her to show her hand." "Uh, yes, uh-- uh, that's exactly right, what she said." "You see, I suspected Miss Magruder all along but I pretended to arrest you... uh, because that was one of those clever ruses that she was talking about." "All right, Miss Magruder, let's go." "Drop your guns." "Is this another one of my clever ruses, 99?" "I'm afraid not, Max." "Oh." "It would have been a good one." "We're out in the open now." "Otto, you'll dispose of these three where their bodies won't be discovered for at least a week." "I'll deliver the article to the editor personally." "He'll recognize your inimitable style, my dear, stupid Mr. Fitzmaurice." "Miss Magruder, you've been a wonderful secretary." "But as of now, consider yourself dismissed without severance pay." " ( mouthing )" " Let's go." "Hold it." "Get in." "Get Magruder!" "Well, I hope you've changed your mind about us, Mr. Fitzmaurice." "I certainly have." "I was very impressed at how quickly and how efficiently you rounded up that entire group." "The foreign minister will be able to make his speech right on time tomorrow morning." "Once Professor Stamen had a sample of the drug, he was able to make an antidote for it." "I know you will be pleased that I am writing a very favorable article about Control." "Perhaps it should go like this:" ""Efficient, expert Control once again foils nasty, not-so-nice Kaos due to the efforts of brilliant, brave Agent 86." "Uh, not to mention nice, neat 99." "And capable, competent Chief."" "You know, Chief, this is really a pretty wild contraption." "All you have to do is take this eraser out and you've got a blowgun." " ( cracks )" " Ow!" "Well, Mr. Smart," "I'm afraid you've made another" "Max!" "Now take it easy, Chief." "Let's look at it this way" "Maybe after a nice refreshing little nap, he'll find some more nice things to write about us." "( theme music playing )"