"The nation of Humidor, cigar storage capital of the world, pretty beaches, and pretty señoritas, but behind this lies evil!" "Aah!" "Stop!" "Stop!" "Stop hitting my brother!" "I can´t take it anymore!" "Your brother´s so-called "yurnalism"" "stands in the way of my military takeover." "He must die!" "Please, let him live." "Will you obey my orders?" "Yes!" "Yes, anything you want." "Go to my bed... and wait." "You are now my whore." "Kill him anyway." "[ Man ] No!" "No, no, no, please!" "General Partagas," "Sargento Cohiba, my friends, our country slips away." "There are lootings, murders." "Even "yurnalists" are disappearing!" "El Presidente, our men are doing everything to catch these fascists!" "¿Verdad?" "Si, señor." "The problem only grows worse!" "We need help!" "And there is only one hombre for this yob" "The man they call El Notcho!" "Ah, yeah." "Oh, yeah!" " That´s it." "That´s it!" " [ Moaning ]" "Can you feel it?" " Can you feel it?" " Yeah." "It´s gonna pop!" "It´s gonna pop." "Yeah, come on." "Come on." "Work it out." "Oh, yeah!" "Yeah!" "That´s it." "That´s it." "Nice work." "Nice work." "Now, gang, that´s called the Heimlich maneuver." "Now, who wants to try it on me?" "I´d love to give it to you, Notch!" "Okay, Chip, if you´re up for it, take a crack." "Yeah, that´s it." "That´s it, yeah." "Good work." "Good work." "Yeah." "Yea-- ow!" "What was that?" "{ Announcer } Tonight´s episode..." "[ Announcer ] No writers were used for this episode of Son of the Beach." "Oh, it´s harder than I thought." "Unh!" "Johnson, you pervert!" "Kody, hide your eyes!" "Mayor, I was just demonstrating the" "Johnson, you make me sick." "Not only as a woman, but as the Family Values Mayor." "The Family Values Mayor?" "That´s right." "I´m being profiled by" "Perfect Family magazine for my tireless promotion of family values." "Excuse me." "This woman is a real mother." "A mother, who, yes, would´ve preferred a daughter, but a mother nonetheless." "[ Mayor ] Thank you, Kody." "Besides, this article will ensure mother of victory in her next erection." "I mean election." "Now, what says family values more than a junior lifeguard program?" "But, Mayor Massengil, we already have a junior lifeguard program." "Not the Mayor Anita Massengil junior lifeguard program." "I´m appointing Chip as the instructor." "But, Frau Mayor" "Then it´s settled." "Chip, you come with me." "The rest of you, I don´t care what you do." "Mother, can Chip have dinner at our house tonight?" "I think I´m going to get something lodged in my throat." "[ El Presidente ] We fight this war for a land called Humidor!" "If you ask us why, it´s Humidor or die!" "[ Brays ]" "Well, I´ll be a chili relleno!" "Notcho!" "Ha ha!" "Ha ha!" "Ha ha." "Gang, say ¿Que pasa?" "to the president of Humidor" "Seymour Winces." "Ooh, a president!" "Notcho and I are like brothers!" "We fought side by side in my country´s revolution." "I´d just gotten out of the old navy, and there was a gap in my life." "So I filled it by fighting for a banana republic." "Damn, Notch, I learn more about you every week!" "We gave democracy to Humidor by overturning a military yenta." "Oh, Notch, don´t you mean junta?" "Junta?" "No." "That´s a woman who likes to whine." "Ayenta is a military dictatorship." "So what brings you to Malibu Adjacent, Señor Winces?" " Call me Sy." " Sy?" "Si." "Say, Sy, how´s your sister?" " Sue?" " Si." "So-so." "Notcho, everything that we fought for in Humidor is about to vamoose!" "What?" "Yes!" "There´s murders, kidnappings every day!" "Mi pais, our country needs you!" "I have only one question." "When?" "Now!" "The plane awaits us." "Notch!" "You´re going off to lead some South-Central American revolt?" "Yeah, Notch, why are you so revolting?" "I can´t help it." "It´s just the way I am." "Notch, if it´s that dangerous, we should go with you." "It´s not your war!" "It´s mine." "¡Viva la biblioteca!" "¡Andale!" "Ooh!" " Hey!" " [ Braying ]" "¡Vamonos!" "Guys, I am worried about Notch." "I think we should go down there." "I don´t know." "If we go down there, things could get hairy." "How many times has Notch helped us out?" "I think it´s time we paid him back." "Oh, look!" "Only one mile to go." "Too bad we have to fight some war." "Humidor has, like, the best spas." "Ooh, yeah!" "Imagine if we were at a spa right now." "[ Gasps ]" "Hide me!" "It´s the man!" "It´ll be fine." "Just let me handle it." "Ladies, what brings you to El Humidor?" "We, uh, we´re here for the spas." "Kimberlee, we don´t have time for spas." "We´re here to help Notch Johnson." "[ Evil Laughter]" "[ Crowd Cheering ]" "Humidor..." "I give you El Notcho!" "[ Wild Cheers ]" "¡Gracias!" "¡Gracias!" "Gracias very much." "I´m overwhelmed by the thongs of people here today." "You know, my friends, over the years, I´ve spent many nights in many motels, so as a token of my thanks," "I bring you... soaps..." "[ Crowd Cheering ] shampoos..." "[ Cheering ] and shower caps!" "[ Cheering ]" "So, let me tell you the secret formula for my junior lifeguard program." "It´s one part water and one part Massengil." "But why wouldn´t this program be run by the world´s greatest lifeguard" " Notch Johnson?" "Are you in competition with him?" "No." "I´d love to have Notch." "And just as soon as he gets out of rehab, he´ll be here." "But look who we have instead" "Mr. Chip Rommel." "Well, go ahead, Chip, start." "Start what?" "Instructing." "You´re in charge." "In charge?" "[ Tweet ]" "[ Playing "Swing Low, Sweet Chariot" ]" "Oh, God, it´s hot in here." "Tell me." "I´m soaking wet right through my sheerest of lace panties." "And all they give us to eat are beans, beans, and mo´ beans." "I get better service at Denny´s." "Heh heh heh!" "Ladies, time for your cavity search." "But my teeth are perfect." "I don´t have any cavities." "Oh, yes, you do." " Aah!" " Aah!" "El Notcho, our time is limited." "If order isn´t restored soon, my government will topple." "Then I´d like to get started right now." "But we have much planned in your honor-- a parade, a military inspection, a public cockfight." "A cockfight?" "I haven´t done that since boy scout camp." "No." "Here the men fight with their roosters." "Call it what you will, General," "I won´t do it in public." "[ Door Opens ]" "Ah!" "Lunch." "Notcho, have some beans." ""Gra-see-us. "" "Mmm!" "These are the bestest beans I´ve ever had." "Yes." "Unique to Humidor, and the most potent beans in all the world." "Now, gentlemen, please, back to business, eh?" "You are right, El Presidente." "As I said before," "I will do everything in my power to ensure law and order here in Humidor." "Boy, these beans are potent." "I can see why, after every meal, you people take a big "shi-esta."" "Mind if I sit on the couch?" "Not at all." "It is made of fine Corinthian leather." "[ Squeet ]" "[ Squeet ]" "[ Squeet ]" "[ Squeet ]" "Not to worry." "The leather is new." "Anyway, I have a plan, and I" "[ Squeet ]" "Must...be...that..." "darn leather again." "The chair is made of cotton." "Oh." "Well, then forgive me." "I can fix that." "Notcho, that´s a lighter!" "After eating those potent beans, the combination of your gas and this flame can blow up the palace." "I´m sorry." "I had no idea." "Anyway, as I was saying, what I want to do is go out, go out among the people and investigate these murders and disappearances." "[ Muffled ] An excellent idea, amigo." "So, Sy, let´s say we get started." "Si." "Labia," "Notch Johnson must not know about the military coup." "Go and distract him, my little whore, if you want to see your brother again." "It´s only been a few hours..." "[ Shutter Clicks ] but I´ve already heard what an incredible job Chip is doing." "Hup!" "Zwei!" "Drei!" "Vier!" "Hup!" "Zwei!" "Drei!" "Vier!" "Higher!" "Chest out!" "Hup!" "Zwei!" "Drei!" "Vier!" "Hup!" "Zwei!" "Drei!" "Vier!" "Hup!" "Zwei!" "Drei!" "Vier!" "Mayor?" "Isn´t this supposed to be fun for the boys?" "Oh, children love discipline." "And I think Chip is a breath of fresh Aryan" "Air!" "Air." "Heh heh." "Is it in yet?" "I can´t get my hand through this hole." "Aah!" " Ohh!" " Uhh!" "Oh, my God!" "Trying to escape, huh?" "We´ll fix that." "[ Sinister Laugh ]" " ¡El Notcho!" " ¡O, El Notcho!" "¡El Notcho!" "¡El Notcho!" "¡El Notcho!" "¡O, El Notcho!" "Buenas retardes." "Tell me, have you seen any homicides?" "I´m sorry." "Forgive me." "Have...jou... seen any... ho... micides?" " Aah!" " Aah!" "You are Notch Johnson, the famous lifeguard revolutionary." "Why, si, I am." "And you are?" "I am Labia, and I have some information for you." "But we cannot talk here." "Meet me tonight." "Buenas noches, Señor Notch Johnson." "Why, hello." "So, Labia, ´splain." "Don´t you wanna touch me?" "I thought you had some information." "I need you to make love to me badly." "Can you?" "Yes, I can make love to you badly, but we just met." "I would never take advantage of your lovely "bubedos"" "or your precious "vayaina."" "You must make love to me!" "Or something terrible will happen." "I´m sorry." "I´m not that easy." "Oy!" "Did you give him your "vayaina"?" "Yes, I did!" "I gave him my "vayaina"!" "You expect me to believe you?" "She´s telling the truth." "Now get your hands off my Labia." "El Notcho." "Okay, bitch." "If you did make love, describe his piñata." "His piñata is huge, like a donkey." "Es grande." "It´s even bigger than grande." "It´s venti!" "Really." "Let´s take a peek." "[ Grunts ]" "¿Donde esta?" "I don´t see anything." "Hmm.Johnson..." "Where is yourJohnson?" "[ Laughing Uproariously ]" "Throw him in jail!" "Yo, we´re locked up for real." "Ain´t no one springing´ our sorry asses." "´Maica, even I can´t swallow that." "Our only hope is that Notch finds out about us and comes to our rescue." "[ Door Clangs ]" " Whoa!" " Ugh!" "Kimberlee, it´s like you´ve got ESPN!" "[ Spits ]" "[ Spitting ]" "What are you guys doing here?" "We came down to help you, Notch." "But it´s so dangerous." "And if you´re here... who´s minding the store?" "Folks." "I have had to make some changes." "So I want you to welcome your new instructor-- a real man´s man-- Kody Massengil!" "W-wha" "I can´t believe this." "[ Murmuring ]" "Dinner!" "And what do we have for you this evening?" "Oh!" "Beans!" "Ha ha ha!" "Enjoy your last supper." "[ Evil Laughter ]" "Left knee up, kick." "Right knee up, kick." "Mayor, these parents are-- excuse my French" "P.O.´d." "You promised that these boys would learn lifesaving, but they´re prancing around like that Ricky Martin!" "Where is Notch Johnson?" "Look, I know the program didn´t get off to a good start, but not to worry." "I will now personally take over." "People of Humidor!" "I have good news!" "I am taking over the country!" "[ Booing ]" "[ Man ] No!" "We voted for Winces!" "[ Crowd ] We want Winces!" "We want Winces!" "We want Winces!" "We want Winces!" "We want Winces!" "[ Sighs ]" "Okay, boys, if you behave and tell your parents you had a good time," "I´ll buy you all some beer." "Ugh!" "These chains are too tight." "I´ll never pick your locks." "Wait." "Notch, I just got an idea." "Here is President Winces!" "[ Cheering ]" "Tell them that I´m the new leader or I´ll kill you right now." "Ahh!" "There,Jamaica!" "You´re free at last." "Now we´ve gotta bust out!" "With a spoon and some beans?" "[ Thinking ] The beans." "Winces, you have one more chance, eh?" "Go ahead." "Pull the trigger." "I´d rather die than to turn my country over to you." "[ Grunting ]" "You´re the man, Chief." "Rip one out!" "You´re leaving me no choice, eh?" "Heh heh." "Nothing´s happening." "Quick, Notch, pull my finger." "I´ll count to 4." "Uno, dos... 1 , 2, 3, cuatro." "Aha!" "Now let´s go save a country." "What are you doing out of"yall"?" "Thanks to your last supper, you might say we blasted out." "The beans!" "Now let´s rumble, amigos!" "Ooww!" "[ Cheering ]" "[ Automatic Weapons Fire ]" "[ Man ] Aah!" "[ Gunfire ]" "[ Man #2 ] Ohh.!" "Humidor, I give you back your president!" "Ha ha!" "[ Cheering ]" "Unh!" "[ Children Whooping ]" "[ Mayor ] Ugh!" "Johnson!" "Johnson, help me." "Look what these little brats did!" "We wanted to be lifeguards." "She tried to bribe us with beer." "[ Notch ] Tell you what, kids." "Come back tomorrow and you´ll all learn some real lifesaving." "I´ll be one of your teachers." "And I will, too." "You´ll go home with some really great memories." "Does that sound good, boys?" "Now let´s get outta here!" " Yeah!" "Whoo!" " Whoo!" "[ Whooping ]" "Hey, you guys!" "You guys!" "You guys, come here!" "You guys!" "Oh, hi, teens." "Notch Johnson here." "Tonight´s show is all about cavity searches, and I´d like to talk to you about a cavity search that you can do at home." "It´s the Notch Johnson self-prostate examination." "And it´s especially important for you women out there." "Here´s what you do." "Take a surgical glove like this." "You can usually find them underneath your kitchen sink." "Now, apply to one of the fingers either petroleum jelly, grape jelly, or my favorite, spit." "Watch as I examinate myself." "Ahh." "There we go." "Uh-oh." "I... seem to have tensed up." "Can´t..." "get my finger back." "Anyway, the important thing is that, uh-- t-to do this exam." "So until next time, this is Notch Johnson saying, ride the big one."