"And in perhaps the most monumental Supreme Court decision in over 100 years..." "And the missiles of this small Mideast country remain pointed at the..." "So until further information is uncovered scientists will continue to sift through the giant hole that was, until yesterday, the Republic of France..." "Snidely Whiplash, unhand that now." "Well, they must have had a fine round of Pin the Tail on the Shoe Salesman up in heaven today." "Middle-aged woman comes into the shoe store." "She's wearing a blossom hat..." "You know, the "I'm just a cute young girl of 45" look." " And she's looking for something cool to wear to a Crosby, Stills  Nash reunion concert." "So I suggest a nice, recyclable paper bag to put over her face." "You know, so she can save the planet two ways." "So she maces me." "But as I lash out blindly I think I clipped her a good one in the teeth." "So from now on, she'll be gumming the words to "Teach Your Children."" "How was your day, pumpkin?" "Daddy, when did you get home?" "How was your day?" "Well, a..." "A middle-aged woman came to the shoe store wearing a blossom hat..." "Snidely Whiplash, unhand that horse." " Hi, honey." " Oh, hi, Peg." "I wasn't talking to you." " Hi, Mom." " Hi, honey." "When's your Daddy getting home?" "Oh, hi, honey." "Guess what we're gonna do this evening." "Get naked and try to figure out where our interesting parts used to be?" "Shoes got you down, bunky?" "Well, this should cheer you up." "I've invited Marcie and Jefferson over for a game of Ethical Dilemma." "Oh, a dream come true, by gum." "I actually get the opportunity to play a board game with two people I can't stand and Jefferson?" "Pardon me while I boogaloo." "Well, it's better than our usual Friday-night fare sitting around watching you and Buck play Don't Blame Me, It Was Him." "Now, I'm going over to Marcie's to steal some potato chips so we have something to serve them." "Gee, Daddy, I guess it's true what they say:" "Life really does begin at 40." "Well, at least I'm not the only one with no life around here." "Where is your brother, anyway?" "He's out with a girl." "No, I said your brother." "You know..." "You know, Bud." "I know." "He's out with an actual girl." " No, I was asking about Bud." " I know." "You could have knocked me over with the weather, but I tell you it was a real girl." "Honest." "There was no blow-up tube in the back or anything." "Son." "Look, he was out with a real girl." "I'm hurt, Dad." "Well, son, that's what happens when you lay the Bundy on some babe." "The natural result of 30 seconds of crazed abandon." "Come on, tell Dad all about it." " I am totally done with women." " What?" "What, did you get married?" " No, Dad." " Well, don't worry, son." "Remember, it gets better each time as long as it's never with the same woman." "Wipe your chin and listen to me, Dad." "As you know, I've been laying this Grandmaster B thing on all the babes." "Well, finally one bought it and she took me to this rap club." "Well, I got my hat turned around and all, and I'm cool, I'm cool." "Until she said, " Hey, that guy over there is looking at me." "Waste him for me, B."" "So I go up to him and I look him right in the eye." "So, what happened then, son?" "Then he stood up." "Next thing I know, I'm in the tunnel of light with Grandma and Elvis at the other end." "Grandma and Elvis?" "You die and go to International House of Pancakes?" "I wish." "Instead she brought me home to meet her dad." "She told him I was a tough street rapper." "He hates rap so suddenly, there was that tunnel of light again." "I'm telling you, Dad, I am through with women." "Oh, no." "Who's gonna fill them shoes?" "Gee, Kel, it's 7:00." "Shouldn't you be cuffed to a radiator by now?" "Oh, father, I have angered the Grand Bastard." "That's Grandmaster." "Or at least it was Grandmaster." "From now on, I'm Bud." "Bud Bundy." "Take me for what I am." "Yo, girlie." "My bedroom's upstairs." "Word to your mother." "Oh, B, thank you for not hurting my father." "Well, from the foetal position I can kill in three different ways." "Word to your father." "You should have seen him, Mr. Bundy." "All rolled up in a little ball in the corner, ready to strike." "Anyway, I've got some great news." "What, Mike Tyson was looking at you funny?" "I booked us on a rafting trip." "Down a river the Indians used to call Kiss Your White Ass Goodbye." " Lf you think I'm kissing my white ass..." " Oh, please, B. I'd be so grateful." "Let's do it." "Daddy, aren't you gonna say anything to him?" "Well, who am I to give advice?" "Another hour, I'll be saying, "Marcie, it's your spin."" "Marcie, it's your spin." "I've landed on Childhood Trauma." "Come on, Marcie." "Share or go to Denial." "Oh, all right." "I remember my puppy Winkums." "Winkums was tied to the back of my bike." "Hey, Al, another Friday night and I got a k eg of beer in the back." "Let's go beat the hell out of somebody pick up a couple of private-school girls and rock the pleats right off their skirts." "Will it always be lik e this, Al?" "You bet." "The boys'll never die." "Al, it's your turn to move your thimble." ""Get in touch with your feminine side."" "Tough break, buddy." "Oh, I'll tell you, Al." "It's Friday night I got a cup of herb tea we're with the girls we love and we're playing a game that's sure to become the next middle-aged craze." "Will it always be like this, Al?" "No." "No, one day it'll be just like this only we'll be wearing Depend's undergarments." "That's not your feminine side speaking." "No, my feminine side is on the couch watching Oprah and occasionally pushing aside a breast to scratch my knee." "Bitch." "Now it's my turn." "Oh, please don't let her land on Sexual Intimacy." "Sexual Intimacy." "Okay." ""If your lover suddenly was unable to perform anymore and was a shoe salesman and named Al..."" " Oh, come, give me this now." "It couldn't possibly say that." "Oh, my God, it does." ""...and an old lover came back to town..."" "I guess they mean Jim." ""...would you have a sleazy affair with him?"" "Yeah." "Well, I did it." "I survived the river." "I never felt so alive." "The rush of the water the feeling of flight as you're launched out of the boat and the good, clean crack of a pelvis as it meets one of nature's finest pointy rocks." "And as I lay there clinging for dear life, I couldn't help but notice the beauty of nature as it sat on my chest, pecking at my eyes." "It thought it could carry me to its young ones, but the joke was on it because I was too heavy and it dropped me in part of the river the Indians used to call Nutcracker Falls." "But at least you weren't with them." "Yeah, but you people are old." "I still have needs." "From now on, it's life without girls." "I'm through with them." "I mean it this time." "Hello." "Yeah." "Of course." "Well, that was Kara." "She asked me to jump out of an airplane tomorrow and I said yes." "Good night." "Oh, good." "Daddy, why are you standing up against the wall?" "Well, it's a..." "It's an adult thing, pumpkin." "You..." "You wouldn't understand." "You see, I..." "I landed on the Loneliness Of Adolescence." "So your mother yelled at me and took my wallet, and I sassed her and well, here I am stuck in Shame on You Land." "Really cool, Dad." "Pumpkin before you go out and spread this all around, can I ask you something?" "What's it like to have a life?" "Well, people think being young and beautiful is exciting and everything but actually it's pretty boring." "I mean, take today for example." "There I am in the mall, and this guy some geezer rock star, steps on my foot." "You know, that Springsteen guy?" "The Boss?" "Well, I don't think so, Daddy." "His wife seemed to be the one in charge." "Well, anyhow, it was downhill from there." "There I am, hitching a ride, and who should pick me up?" "The Swedish bikini team." "They wanted to drive me home, come in for a beer, but I've heard you say you didn't like people drinking your beers." "Your time's up, Al." "I know." "So then Ernie Banks comes..." "Pumpkin, could you go wait for the mail?" "Okey-dokey." "Oh, Daddy, if it makes you feel any better you're a lot younger than the guy the bikini team ended up going home with." "Your spin, Al." "Al landed on Caring." "I mean..." "I mean, I'm trying to win but I keep landing on Date a Kennedy, Lose a Turn." "Tell us what you care about, honey." ""I Care" by Al Bundy." "When hooters jiggle around" "And I find nick els on the ground, I care" "When a Mustang engine purrs And the bathroom is not hers" "I care" "When the pitcher's on the mound And the wife is underground" "I care" "But when I've been playing this for days" "I will kill anyone who stays, I swear." "And if you really want a scare Check out his underwear" "If you dare" "Well, I'm going to jump out of an airplane now and plummet to my death." "Basically for nothing." "Just wanted to say goodbye." "Hey." "Hey, Al's not moving his thimble down the Path to Intimacy." "Gee, that's a first." "I'm using my Get-Out-of-Sexual-Intimacy card free." "You have to say it before you spin." " Drop dead." " Bite me." "I'm glad I caught you, Thumb-sucker B." "Listen, it's time that we had a little boy-girl talk." "Now, let's pretend that you're the boy." "Okay." "Okay, I'm number 27." "Do I get in line behind the sailors over there?" "Look, I'm just trying to help you, drippy." "Now let me tell you about women." "I already know about women, Kel." "Yes, but there's more to us than just "Inflate until feet start to plump."" "Now, as we both know, you are doing this for sex." "But let me tell you something." "It doesn't matter what a guy does or says or how he treats us." "The second we see a guy, we already know whether or not he's gonna get sex." "Which, by the way, explains why you've never gotten any." "If that was even close to true do you think I could still hold my head up?" "Look, all I'm saying is that if she hasn't let you touch her yet, she never will." "If you still feel the need to do something dangerous throw out your Clearasil." "Like I'm gonna take the advice of someone who's fooled by every single disguise of the Trix rabbit." "Yeah, like you know who he is until his ears flop out." "But I do know this." "You can jump out of a plane and go hurtling to your death but mark my words." "You will not even get a cheap feel out of this." "You will die a flat virgin." "Kel, you're wrong." "And besides if jumping out of a plane with almost no training was dangerous don't you think my parents would have stopped me?" "Hey, everyone, Al got a Cuddle card." "I played high school football, for God's sake." "So does anybody have any questions in case we get tangled up in power lines?" "Yes?" "Is there any way to get out of them and still live?" "No, not with the piddly training you guys have had." "That's how I like it." "You're so brave, Grandmaster B. You're all I ever wanted in a man." "My last boyfriend was so boring." "All we did was make love." "What a loser." "Oh, I'm definitely not doing this." "No way, no how, never." "Not for anything." "Oh, Daddy." "Look at those hooters." "I'm doing it." "Well, we're just about ready to go." "Remember, I'll be jumping out with you and we'll be in radio contact all the way down." "You know, so I can give you instructions." "Just in case." "Any questions?" "Yes." "Just in case of what?" "Like if your parachute doesn't open." "If it gets tangled up in itself." "If there's a hole in it or if we just forgot to put one in the pack." "Well, let's go." "Wait." "Wait a minute." "Now, aren't these guys gonna go first?" "Oh, they backed out." "They're not with girls." "This is so exciting." "My whole body feels like it's on fire." "Well, before mine is, upon impact how about just one last kiss?" "Which means one first kiss." "Which means one last kiss for luck." "All right, one kiss for my hero." "All right, Bundy." "How you doing, Bud?" "Bud, this is Kara." "How are you?" "Couldn't be calmer, babe." "Could you put the instructor back on, please?" "Sure." "Bud?" "That's right." "Just enjoy the free fall." "I'm watching you all the way." "Oh, man, what fun." "Okay, I've had enough now." "Listen, this is Grandmaster 1 here." "Should I be concerned I'm plummeting to my death over Lake Michigan?" "Over." "Yes." "But stay calm." "I'll talk you in." "Alls you have to do is..." "Say, Kara, you're cute." "Thank you." "You're cute too." "The second I saw you, I knew we were going to have sex." "Instructor, Grandmaster 1 here." "Listen, I seem to be heading towards the smokestack of a tugboat." "Could use some last-minute advice." "Over." "Tak e me, Biff." "Tak e me now." "But I thought we were gonna jump." "Can you look at these and still think of jumping?" "Instructor?" "Kara?" "Mommy!" "His eyes, his chest, his butt." "What else would you change about him?" "Well, certainly you wouldn't want him to keep those teeth." "Please, Jefferson, he's sitting right in front of us." "But I would like to change that birthmark on his tush shaped like Woody Allen." "Death can't be this busy." "The sparrow has landed." "Did you get any?" "Yes, if you count mouth-to-mouth from a drunken sea captain." "But I've learned a couple of things from all this." "One, there's nothing a pelican won't eat." "And two, I am finally, totally, completely finished with women." "Wait, let us not forget number three." "That I was right." "Say it." " No." " That's all I needed to hear." "But I tell you this:" "Next time a girl comes to me and wants me to do something stupid..." " You'll do it?" " You betcha." "You know what?" "For a million dollars I'd never jump out of an airplane." "Al, you landed on Kiss the Neighbour." "Don't you want your last-minute instructions?"