"[SIGHS]" "CHARLIE:" "Morning." " Mm." "Morning." "Charlie, please don't start anything." "Too late." "I woke up started." " I have to get to work." " Okay." "I've got a job for you." "We'll finish this tonight." "I may have to finish this myself." "Knock yourself out." "It's no fun if you have permission." "CHELSEA:" "So, Charlie, I was thinking maybe tonight we could stay at my place." "Oh, no, no, no." "CHELSEA:" "Charlie?" " I'm sorry, did you say something?" "CHELSEA:" "I said, maybe tonight we could stay at my place." "You wanna play on my face?" "Stay at my place." "Oh." " What about it?" " I've been coming here for three weeks and it's like an hour drive for me to get to work." "Well, I'd be happy to spring for a cab." " It's not the drive." " You just said it was the drive." "What I mean is if we're gonna see each other on a regular basis, there should be some give and take." "Based on last night we're pretty even-steven in the give-and-take department." "And if I recall correctly, you're up one take." "Hey, of the two us, I'm the one with tennis elbow." "CHELSEA:" "So, what about tonight?" "[SIGHS]" "I'd love to, but it might be a little tricky." "CHELSEA:" "Why?" "[WHISPERING] Oh, I knew she'd ask me that." "CHELSEA:" "I'm starting to get the feeling that you only wanna see me at your place and at your convenience." "No, of course not." "Well then, fine." "You'll stay at my place tonight." "Sounds great." "Looking forward to it." "So, what do you wanna do this weekend?" "Doesn't matter, just as long as you and I are together." "What did you do?" "I didn't do anything." "Why would you even ask me that?" "I'm guessing he either robbed a liquor store or killed a drifter." "Do I need to call your mother and ask?" "If you want, but you know how she pushes your buttons." " I'll take that chance." " Fine, I don't care." "All right, All right." "I got thrown off the school bus." "You got the spine of a gummy bear." "Why were you thrown off the bus?" "Well, actually, it's a funny story." "Amuse me." "Have you ever heard of this thing called mooning?" "Yeah." "Yeah, it rings a bell." "The bus was going past the girls' track team." "A bunch of us thought it'd be funny to moon them." "[CHUCKLES]" "See?" "She gets it." " Berta." " Sorry." "I'm just remembering my prom." "[SIGHS]" "So, what happened?" "Well, I was working near the high school that night and I thought it would be fun to drive the backhoe..." " Not you." " Him." " Well, excuse me for sharing." " What happened?" " Well, it sounds like Berta had quite a prom." "You're skating on thin ice, Jake." "Boy, something we haven't done in a long time skating." " Jake." "Mom grounded me for two weeks." " Why didn't your mother tell me about this?" " I promised I'd tell you." "What can I say?" "She believed me." "So, how about a movie?" "Little father-son bonding?" "No, no." "No movies." " Skating?" " No skating." " Fine." " Also, uh, no TV no video games, no cell phones, and no iPods." "Nothing that gives you any amusement or enjoyment." " Couldn't you just smack me with a belt?" " Get out of here." "I'm bored." " Oh, man." " What's the matter?" "Did you know that Culver City is all the way down near the airport?" "Yes." "That's gotta be like 45 minutes from here." " Lf there's no traffic." " Traffic?" "Is this Culver City place popular?" "Not particularly." "But there are other people with cars, living lives completely separate from your own." "Oh, right." "I hate those people." ""So, what's in Culver City?" he asked, knowing the only possible answer." "Can you believe she wants me to schlep over to her place just so we can spend the night together?" "Oh, you poor guy." "You have to drive 45 minutes to get laid." "And 45 minutes to get back." "That's 90 minutes behind the wheel for 20, 30 minutes behind..." "Well, I don't need to draw you a map." "You're breaking my heart." "And it's not just that." "She said there's only street parking, which means trees." "And trees have that, you know, toxic syrup that drips out of them and gets all over your car." " Sap." " Lf I make that drive, I am." "Wait a minute." "You said it was better to go to the woman's house so that you could make a quick getaway." " Yeah, for one-nighters that's fine." "But this girl, I care about her." "We've been seeing each other for almost a month." "And yet you just found out where she lives." "There's a difference between caring and stalking, Alan." " Hey, Dad, I need my laptop." " What for?" " Homework." " What homework?" "Um..." "Damn, you're good." "Thanks for driving all the way over here, Charlie." "Are you kidding?" "I would have walked here if I had to." "Probably would have been faster with the traffic." "Good night." "Good night." "[CAR DOOR CLOSES]" " What are you doing?" " I heard a car door." "Your Mercedes is fine, Charlie." "I know, I know." "Just double checking." "[CAR ALARM BEEPS]" "Probably gonna get sap all over the car cover." " Isn't that what it's for?" " You don't get it." "That's fine." " No TV in the bedroom, huh?" " It's in the living room." " So you just got the one?" " How many do I need?" "Well, you've got three rooms and a bath, so four." "If you wanna go watch television instead of cuddling, that's up to you." "No, no, I'd much rather cuddle." "At my house, we could do both." "You know, cuddling and SportsCenter." " Good night, Charlie." " Sweet dreams." "[SIGHS]" "What now?" "Nothing." "I'm just used to sleeping on the other side of the bed." "Yeah, so?" "So I usually sleep on my left side which faces me towards the edge of the mattress." "But here, I'm facing the back of your head, which is fine." "There are certainly times when I enjoy seeing it from that angle." "But, you know, when I'm trying to sleep, it's a little disconcerting." "Well, I'm sorry, but this is my side." "But you sleep on the other side at my house." "Because it's your house." "This is my house." " But I'm a guest." " And I'm a guest at your house." " That's different." " How?" " Give me a minute." " Good night, Charlie." "Boy, you're being pretty inflexible." "Oh, you think I'm inflexible." "Well, not physically." "But you gotta admit, in this regard, you're a little stubborn." "Good night, Charlie." "Okay." "Good night." "How about this?" "[CHELSEA SCOFFS]" "If we switch sides and an armed intruder came in, I could leap up and protect you." "But this way, you're pretty much guaranteed to catch the first bullet." "What if he comes through the window?" "Oh, great." "Now, I'm never gonna get to sleep." "[MUSIC PLAYING ON TV]" "ALAN:" "Jake?" "You better not be watching TV." "[ALAN SCOFFS]" "Ah." "Maybe he's upstairs." "[FOOTSTEPS]" "[DOOR CLICKING]" "JAKE:" "Uh-oh." "[WATER DRIPPING]" "[DOG BARKING]" "[SIGHS]" "[CAR ENGINE REVS]" "[SIGHS]" "[CHELSEA MO ANS]" "It's like trying to sleep in the freaking jungle." "[CAT CATERWAULS THEN CHARLIE SCREAMS]" " What's going on?" " Nothing." "Nothing." "I was going to the bathroom and I stepped on a cat." "You don't have to sneak out." "If you wanna leave, leave." "Whoa, I'd say someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed." "But I don't wanna revisit that topic." "Goodbye, Charlie." "Gee, you sound kind of angry." "Why would I be angry?" "Just because I drive to Malibu every night for a month and you won't stay even one night with me?" "Well, that." "And, you know, possibly crippling your cat." " Go home, Charlie." " Are you sure?" "I'm begging you." "Okay, if that's what you want." "So tomorrow at my place?" "You make love like a woman, but you throw like a man." "ALAN:" "Jake?" "[SHOUTS]" "[SEAGULL SQUAWKS]" "Why are you sleeping out here?" "I was, um camping?" "Okay, well, as long as you're not watching TV." "Oh." "Stupid birds." "Hey, how'd it go last night?" "I couldn't do it, Alan." "I tried, but I couldn't." "Oh, well, that happens to all men occasionally." "Especially when you get to be our age." "What are you talking about?" " What are you talking about?" " I'm talking about how I'm so set in my ways, I couldn't spend one night in a strange house." "Yeah, that's what I'm talking about." "There was a time when I could sleep anywhere." "Couches, floors, witness boxes, police cars, jail cells." "That's not sleeping, that's passing out." "I'm not gonna argue semantics with you." "The point is, I was really uncomfortable over there." "Even if I got to sleep, the morning would have been a disaster." " How so?" " Think about it." "After I had my morning coffee, where would I go to do my business?" "ALAN:" "Oh, right." "You always wanna have home-field advantage for that." "She's got one of those wooden toilet seats." "It'd have been like sitting on Pinocchio's mouth." "Ever wonder about people who can poop in a gas station?" "I mean, what is wrong with them?" "And what about Porta Potties?" "Ugh, those aren't people, those are animals." "I'd rather go in the trunk of my car." "I have." "You've gone in the trunk of your car?" "Ha, ha." "No, yours." "That was you?" "I convinced myself a coyote had gotten in there." "[PLAYING DEEP PURPLE'S "SMOKE ON THE WATER" ON THE PIANO]" "What the hell are you doing?" "Playing "Smoke on the Water."" " With your tongue?" " Pretty cool, huh?" "No, it's not cool." "It's disgusting." "Alan, get in here." "What now?" "Your kid's licking my piano." "Jake, don't lick your uncle's piano." " I'm bored." " Well, go read a book." " I don't wanna read a book." " Then go lick a book." "How long is this whole grounding thing gonna go on for?" " Two weeks." " Two weeks?" "He stuck his ass out a bus window at the girls' track team." "That's what you're punishing him for?" "When you were his age, you mooned the girls' choir." "No, uh, when I was his age, you pantsed me in front of the girls' choir." "Oh, right." "Well, either way, you made the year book." " Berta, I'm leaving." "BERTA:" "Hang on." "Where you going?" "I talked Chelsea into giving me another chance to spend the night at her place." "Here's your overnight bag." " Thank you." " All that's for one night?" "One night and one morning business meeting with Pinocchio." "You got your flip-flops for the shower your bath towel, hand towel and washcloth your hand soap, face soap and shampoo." " Great." "One handheld TV, your goose-down pillow, Egyptian-cotton pillowcase and sheets and a Ziploc baggie of your special French-roast coffee." " Terrific." " One jar of seedless raspberry jam a mild laxative, and one roll of quilted toilet paper with lanolin." "Okay." "[GRUNTS]" "Culver City, here I come." " He ain't gonna make it." " Not a chance." "You know, I have never once seen him eat seedless raspberry jam." "That's because you've never applied a thin layer to your hindquarters." "CHELSEA:" "I'm so glad you decided this was important to you, Charlie." "Well, you're important to me." "What are you doing?" "I brought my sheets." "You wanna grab the other side?" " What's wrong with my sheets?" " Nothing, nothing." "But mine are better." "Egyptian cotton." "Like, eight-million thread count." "And good news." "I solved the "wrong side of the bed" situation." "Okay." "I'll just sleep with my head down there." "That way I'm facing the right way." "But then your feet will be in my face." "Way ahead of you." "Peppermint foot lotion." "You'll think you're sleeping in Candy Land." "Oh, before I forget." " Toilet paper?" " Don't get your hopes up but I'm gonna make the effort." "ALAN:" "Hey, Jake?" "You out here?" "Seen my kid?" "[CARS RACING ON TV]" " What the hell?" " Can I have some privacy, please?" "No..." " Get out of the tub." "Out of the tub." " Fine." "You're unbelievable." "Is TV really that important to you?" "Do you really have to ask?" " Go to your room." " Okay." "But check out Uncle Charlie's toilet seat." "It heats up." "Just go." "JAKE:" "Can I have this raspberry jam?" " Don't touch the jam." "[SIGHS]" "Oh." "Toasty." "If only I could poop at night." "Maybe I'll just pee girly style." " Charlie." " Aah!" " What?" " This isn't working for me." "My feet too minty?" "It's not your feet." "Well, it is your feet, but it's also the sheets the pillows, the towels, the TV, the electric toothbrush." "It's not a toothbrush." "It's an ultrasonic dental appliance." "It's got more vibrations per minute than that plastic egg you keep in your nightstand." "That's right, I do have one of those." "Go home." " But I wanna spend the night here." " No, no." "I made a mistake." "From now on, we'll stay at your place." "Oh, okay." "Your call." "I'm nothing, ahem, if not flexible." "[CAT CATERWAULS THEN CHARLIE SHOUTS]" "You really should put a bell on that thing." "Ah, hello, Mr. Bed." "I'll be with you in a minute after I pay my respects to Professor Toilet." "Hello." "[ENGLISH SDH]"