"[Theme music]" "Two and an eighth." "And two and a sixteenth." "Better let some air out of my left tires." "BILL:" "Hey, getting your lawn ready for Cinco de Mayo?" "Bill, my lawn is in a constant state of readiness." "The block party is just an opportunity to trot her out... and show what she can do." "KAHN:" "Since you let your lawn go to hell, okay if Doggie make on it?" "If you've got something to say, say it." "It's not my place to point out low density patches here... over there, and behind other side of house." "Sucky lawn bring down value of my property." "DALE:" "Now, you listen here, Kahn... if anyone's bringing down the value of this neighborhood... it's me." "My lawn's nothing but ragweed and auto parts." "I should be ashamed to live next to Hank Hill." "He's got the best lawn in Arlen." "Best lawn after mine!" "[Kahn laughing]" "BILL:" "Don't worry, Hank." "We might be able to tell Kahn's lawn is better than yours." "But all those people at the block party, they won't." "They'll be drunk." "Damn, I've poured my whole life into this lawn." "My heart, my soul." "The tender feelings I've held back from my family." "Now, Hank, you don't want to win that way." "Why don't you just switch those back, and go in and hug your wife?" "Bethany, it does not matter if your avocados are hard." "Life is hard." "You cannot make authentic guacamole... out of lima beans and Ritz crackers." "Oh, these people!" "Gringos!" "I am just glad you're in charge of the block party this year, Aunt Peggy." "Last year, it was all Tex and no Mex." "HANK:" "I don't know why everyone's so gaga over Kahn's lawn all of a sudden." "For God's sakes, the man mows with the grain." "He's the devil." "Anyway, Hank, would you please tell Boomhauer..." "Swiss cheese is not Mexican." "It is American." "I want him to bring some Monterey Jack." "I'm the block captain." "I should have the best lawn for Cinco de Mayo." "But look at her." "Something's wrong." "She's like a pretty girl with short hair." "Hank, what do you say to another lawn spraying... from your favorite exterminator?" "Well, I don't know." "I guess those twice-a-week sprayings have been doing the job, Dale." "I lost another client." "Thinks I use too much chemicals." "I say Sara Lee uses more chemicals than I do." "Come on, I need to make up the income." "I'll do it for free." "Well, okay." "Wingo, man!" "I'll get my stuff." "Maybe that's what's wrong with your lawn." "Dale's spraying too much poison on it?" "What?" "No." "He's always sprayed my lawn." "If I can give some business to my friend and keep my lawn bug-free... it's worth $2 a week." "Good for you for choosing your friend over your lawn." "DALE:" "All right!" "Turn your cuffs down, boys." "And make sure you're zipped." "You know what, Dale?" "I thought it over, and I think I'll take a rain check." "But I was gonna spray for fire ants today." "All the same, I'll give it a pass." "DALE:" "I wouldn't advise that." "You risk getting a queen." "Look at her!" "She can lay a million eggs in a 24-hour period." "BILL:" "Wow!" "That's more than a human woman does in a lifetime." "These fire ants are well-organized, highly-trained insects." "They'll swarm all over you and sting you all at once... without warning, on a single command." "It's how they killed L. Ron Hubbard." "Dale, fire ants don't sting you all at once." "Half of them bite, the other half are on defense." "That's not true." "I don't know, man." "Hank's the man." "He knows." "Dang old Hank's the man." "What are you guys listening to Hank for?" "I have dedicated my professional career to the study and control of arthropods." "I've personally taste-tested each and every household insecticide." "I have read a book." "Now, who do you believe, me or Hank?" "Hank is more believable." "Fine." "Side with him." "Just to show you what a big man I am, I'll still spray your lawn." "Dale, I don't want you to spray my lawn anymore." "Not now, not ever." "I see what's going on here." "You got another exterminator." "Is he licensed?" "Is he bonded?" "Is that it?" "Did you want someone who's licensed and bonded?" "Dale, let's not make this any harder than it has to be." "It's over." "But I'm your exterminator." "You were my exterminator." "Now we're just friends." "Don't do this to me in front of everybody." "Let me just spray a little to keep up appearances." "No." "[Makes spraying noises]" "[Clears throat]" "All done, Hank." "Just keep the dog in the house for an hour." "HANK:" "I did what had to be done." "I got rid of an anti-lawn element." "Sure, he's a friend." "But I have lots of friends." "I only have the one lawn." "What do you think?" "Does this say "Hank Hill"?" "I thought we just came for seed and fertilizer." "Why are men so attracted to hoes?" "HANK:" "Peggy, look!" "It's Raleigh St. Augustine!" "To hell with fertilizer and seed." "I want this!" "It's $1.25 a square foot." "So what?" "It's worth it." "Look, some people hoist a flag to show they love our country." "My lawn is my flag." "It tells the world:" ""Here lives a competent, trustworthy salesman of propane..." ""and propane accessories."" "A man who can't keep up a lawn is either inept or stupid." "Without my lawn, I am Bill." "Do you want to be married to Bill?" "[Shudders]" "Well, mister, you have just installed the finest lawn on the block." "HANK:" "Peggy, I didn't do it for me." "I did it for Arlen." "It looks so nice." "Can I touch it?" "Sure, it's a lawn." "It's meant to be enjoyed." "[Childish giggling]" "It feels so good against my skin." "[Laughing]" "Okay, that's enough." "DALE:" "Hey, Hank, congrats on the lawn, friend." "I'm glad you came." " May I?" " Just a little." "DALE:" "Oh, yeah." "That's nice." "Feels like a shag carpet with dirt." "Feels like home." "KAHN:" "Hey!" "Get off my property!" "[Giggling]" "Luanne!" "For God's sakes!" "[Sinister instrumental music]" "[Dale chuckling]" "Ouch!" "[Sighs happily]" "Boy, it does feel good against the skin." "KAHN:" "Hank Hill, somebody steal my TV Guide out of mailbox!" "First, I think it Bill." "But then I think, can Bill read?" "Hey, Kahn." "Just letting my feet air out here." "KAHN:" "Hillbilly barefoot." "Big surprise!" "Yep, just walking around on my lush... super-plush, new lawn." "I notice." "Raleigh St. Augustine." "Very expensive." "I think it was worth it for the best lawn in Arlen." "Yes, all right." "You win." "Best lawn." "Tomorrow, maybe we compare salaries." "Kahn Jr., get fertilizer!" "Minh, get my tax return!" "Don't want to get a hose imprint." "Ow!" "What the..." "A fire ant?" "[Moaning]" "Oh, God, no!" "An ant hill on my new lawn!" "So that's what that is." "How did I get fire ants?" "DALE:" "I'm only a professional exterminator." "I don't know how you get them." "I only know how you get rid of them." "Got to go." "It's called Eco-Kill, Hank." "The government would not let them use the word "eco"... unless it was ecologically safe." "I don't know, Peggy." "It seems to me... it's gonna take more than a bag of flies... to scare off these red devil bastards." "No." "They do more than scare them." ""The Ford fly injects its egg into the fire ant's head." ""The egg hatches into a maggot, which eats away at the ant's brain..." ""until the head falls off." "Repeat as necessary."" "I like it." "This is exactly what those environmentalists... should be spending their time on." "Finding ways to use nature... against other forms of nature... that are inconvenient to man." "Wow, look how busy this ant is." "It's got so many places to go... and so many things to do." "Oops." "JOSEPH:" "Your parents got Eco-Kill." "Cool!" "We can collect the empty ant heads when they're done." "What a terrible way to die." "Oops." "Come on!" "If we save them, we can play with them." "BOBBY:" "Hey, look at that chubby white one." "He reminds me of me, before my growth spurt." "That's the queen, stupid." "It looks just like the one on my dad's truck." " You mean Dale Gribble's truck?" " Yeah, my dad!" "The queen is cool." "She lets out smells that make the other ants do whatever she wants." "Wow!" "DALE:" "Well, well, well." "Looks like those fire ants played you like the damn fiddle." "Yeah?" "Well, the opry ain't over yet." "Okay, ants, put your heads between your six legs... and kiss your butt goodbye." ""Celebration of local graffiti artists"?" "I'll give you a headline." ""Local man cancels newspaper subscription."" "[Kahn laughing]" "Hey, Hank!" "You got a permit for all that construction?" "You've got ants." "[Rock music playing on radio]" "[Sniffing]" "Yes, my queen." "[Soft-rock music playing]" "BILL:" "Peggy wants me to barbecue 20 pounds of Mexican sausage." "I got half a tank of propane left." "You think that's enough?" "I figure I can top it off with some lighter fluid or something." "Bill, you don't want to be mixing and matching your petrochemical." "The Propane Association recommends that you..." "It'll be fine, Bill." "Burn is burn." ""Burn is burn." I got to remember that." "No, no!" "I'm telling you, that's dangerous." "Propane is what I know best." "It sure ain't lawns." "BOOMHAUER:" "Yeah, man, dang sure right about that." "Hey, guys, I've kind of got to talk to Dale alone." "I was just telling the guys about Stonehenge." "It seems the Druids used it as some kind of sophisticated celestial..." "Dale, I didn't come here to..." "Oh, no!" "For once, you will hear me out." "...calendar." "Now what can I do for you?" "You can save my lawn." "Those fire ants are out of control." "You're the only one who can help me." "That's right." "I am." "The question is, why should I?" "Well, I'll give you $2." "[Laughs]" "$2?" "Because you're my friend." "I'm Hank's friend!" "Tie a ribbon around me." "Because I'm coming to you, man to man... offering a genuine apology for choosing my lawn over our friendship." "Jeez, Hank, I was just holding out for $2.50." "What's that?" "What are you spraying?" "There won't be bleaching, will there?" "Hell, no." "I'd put that mask back on if I were you." "You should've come to me sooner." "I got to pull out the big gun." "Dioxaphiliphide 6000... with techroline." "[Dale chuckling]" "DJs:" "And don't forget it is Quatro de Mayo!" "DJ 1:" "That's right, brother." "DJ 2:" "Right." "[Hank whimpering]" "[Moaning]" "It's not fair." "She was so young and green." "I never even got a chance to mow her." "It'll be okay, Hank." "You will grow a new lawn by next year's Cinco de Mayo." "I can't go through this again." " From now on, wood chips and gravel." " Now, you do not mean that." "Ashes to ashes, man." "It's that dang old ashes to ashes." "DALE:" "I only used as much poison as necessary... and not a 55-gallon drum more." "Poor Hank." " Serves him right." " Damn straight..." "Yeah, yeah, it does." "You know, where I come from, we got a thing called karma." "You do something bad, it come back and bite you in the ass!" "Big, white, stubborn ass!" "HANK:" "Guys, I can hear you." "LUANNE:" "Aunt Peggy, Buckley wants to bring his.38... to shoot off at the block party." "But Uncle Hank said nothing bigger than a.22." "PEGGY:" "Well, now, he is the block captain, Luanne." "PEGGY:" "Now, I coat the churros with azúcar, or sugar." "How very odd." "Now what the heck was that?" "BOBBY:" "Feed, my queen." "Feed." "[Mud gurgling]" "I just hope Hank doesn't blame Dale for what happened." "No, Nancy, he knows Dale was only doing his job." "He gave him a 50-cent raise." "Oh, sugar!" "We're out of sugar, sug'." "I think there's more in the basement." "Oh, no, I'll go get it." "[Suspenseful instrumental music]" "Dale?" "[Muffled breathing]" " Oh, my goodness!" " Hey, Peggy." "How could you do it?" "How could you plant fire ants on our lawn?" "I'm denying that." "That's my position." "Dale, you wrote it on this map!" ""3:00 a.m., planted ants."" "If all you're going on is my confession, forget it." "I'm simply not credible." "Well, then, what on God's green earth are you doing with all these fire ants?" "DALE:" "They're silk worms." "Uh-huh." "DALE:" "If you keep your mouth shut, I'll make you a business suit." "[Sniffing]" "No, I cannot allow you to leave the safety of the bowl." "It is too dangerous out there." "[Sniffing]" "Forgive me, my queen, I spoke out of turn." "Yes, Your Majesty, I will tell my people about you." "And may I be so bold as to ask you to tell your subjects about..." "Uh-oh." "[Humming]" "PEGGY:" "I'm telling you, it's Dale, with those fire ants." "Get right in his..." "Dale!" "Oh, man." "Dale, you went too far this time!" "Come back here." "I'm gonna kick your ass!" "DALE:" "No!" "HANK:" "I'm gonna kick it harder if you don't come over here!" "DALE:" "You shouldn't have fired me!" "You know what I'm like!" "I'm capable of any crazy thing!" "But my lawn, Dale!" "You don't mess with a man's lawn!" "I had no choice!" "I tried planting the ants in your driveway, but they didn't take!" "They couldn't bite through cement." "They're weak!" "Like me!" "BOBBY:" "Dad." "HANK:" "Not now, Bobby!" "I'm in the middle of something!" "BOBBY:" "This really can't wait." "Bobby, what are you doing?" "Take them off!" "DALE:" "Bobby, don't move a muscle!" "BOBBY:" "What?" "Listen to him, Bobby." "If you move, they're all gonna sting at once." "Take my hand, Bobby." "The ants'll swarm on me." "What if they don't?" "They will." "They've been waiting to get a piece of me for 15 years." "Come and get it, boys." "[Dale groaning]" "Ouch." "HANK:" "Dale?" "BOBBY:" "Mr. Gribble?" "HANK:" "Dale, no!" "Oh, God." "You sacrificed your life... to save my son." "I guess that makes us even for you ruining my lawn." "What am I saying?" "Of course it makes us even." "[Crying]" "[Coughs]" "While I was blacked out, was anything inserted into me?" " You're alive?" " Answer the question." "[Cheerful Mexican music playing]" "[Tape rewinding]" "ANNOUNCER:" "It's on the green." "HANK:" "Beautiful." "ANNOUNCER:" "It's on the green." "So green and soothing." "[Hollering]" "Come join the block party!" "How about at least one margarita before Bill finishes them all?" "It's not "margarrrita," okay?" "It's "margarita."" "[Doorbell rings]" "Oh, Hank?" "Hank, come quick." "Well, I'll be..." "Here, Hank." "I've been saving this for someone special." "But I guess she's never coming back." "KAHN:" "Try and make lawn nice, neighbor." "DALE:" "Organically grown, no chemicals." "I killed all the bugs with my fingers." "[Boomhauer cheering]" "[Muttering] This day Hank's, man, everybody's best friend, man!" "Richest man in the world." "Just like the dang old Jimmy..." "Yo." "This is a very friendly gesture." "I like y'all a whole lot." "If any of you weren't here, I'd miss you some." "I especially want to thank Dale Gribble." "Without his paranoid and, well, hateful nature..." "I never would've learned what kind of beating a friendship can survive." "You're my best friend, Dale." "I thought I was your best friend, Hank." "Yeah, well..." "[Chuckles]" "[Sighs]" "[Hank whistling]"