" Hey." "Hey, Arnold." " Arnold?" "Is it Arnold?" "Hey, Arnold!" " Josh!" "Josh, I bought too many groceries" "And I didn't want to call a taxi for such a short fare," "And I didn't know what to do, so..." "I took the trolley home." "You stole a trolley?" "Shut up." "I didn't steal a trolley." "Well, this is ..." "This is disappointing behavior." "Listen, it was so loud and humiliating and awful," "And when I got home, my dad said trolleys are all electric" "And trackable these days." "Well, is just not true, is it?" "Isn't it?" "I don't know." "He's my dad." "I'm used to trusting him." "Arnold's dad thinks trolleys are all electric and trackable." "No!" "Oh, but maybe." "Maybe." "He freaked out, then I freaked out" "And now I have to take it all the way back." "Tell him about the chickens." "Arnold, just ditch it." "Just ditch the trolley." " No, I couldn't!" " Ditch it, arnold." "What if someone sees?" "No one is looking at you." "They might look." "They could look." "Arnold, it'll be so invigorating." "Just ditch it." "Just stop walking," "Let go and go home." "Have a bath." "I can't, josh!" "I'm going to count you in." "No." "Okay, yeah." "Okay." "Five..." "Four..." " God." " Three..." "Two..." "One..." " God." " Arnold, I..." "I can still hear it." "What's happening now?" " I left it!" "I'm running!" "I'm running!" "I left it!" "I'm running!" " You did it!" " Yes!" " Victory!" " I've never felt so alive!" "Okay." " Done." " Done." "So you didn't reply to any of my texts," "I decided to stop sending them because I was embarrassing myself." " No." "I'm sorry, no, it's not you." "I just had exams." "Invite him to see the chickens." "What are you doing tonight?" "Panicking that the police will track the trolley." "And would you like to come over and look at our chickens?" "Tell him if he says no, I'll tell his dad what he's been up to." "But you told me you just want to be friends," "So maybe coming over to my house at night time is not a great idea." "I don't know if I can." "I'm..." "Okay, yeah, yeah, I will." "I'll come for dinner." "Yes!" "Well, it is going to be a depressing dinner for me," "Knowing you're sitting there wishing you could gay kiss him" "But you're not allowed." "* one, two * * one, two, three, four * * ooh * * yeah, I'll be fine, yeah * * ooh * * up yeah here * * up yeah the good lord knows it *" "* ooh * * up the good lord knows it * * ooh *" "* I left better behind to be fine * * yeah, yeah * * take my mommah turn another blind eye * * yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah *" "* I left better behind to be fine *" " Thanks for dinner." " Oh yeah, thanks..." "Thanks for coming." "Okay." "He left?" "Yeah." "Why would you agree to just be friends with him?" "I was just trying to be polite." "No one wants to be friends." "Everyone knows this, don't they?" "I already have one friend and where did that get me?" "I won those cirque du soleil tickets." "Exactly!" "My feelings hurt." "Sorry." "Just did not realize you had feelings." "I'm having nightmares." "Is this an excuse to hang out" "Because you're feeling rejected and alone?" " I had nightmares." " What do you want me to do?" "I want to sleep in here." "You could sleep on the floor." "Okay." "Did your nightmares go?" "They've just been replaced by me being furious" "That you wouldn't let me sleep in your bed." "It's not like you've actually inconvenienced yourself for me." "Can't masturbate now because of you." "Were you going to?" "No, but you've taken away my freedom." "This..." "This right here, what we're doing here," "Is the loneliest thing I've ever done." "Sleeping with you is lonelier than being alone." "Go back to your room then." "With all the monsters?" "No thank you." "Don't you think arnold's maybe a bit annoying?" "No, obviously I don't think that." "Well, I don't like him." "But that doesn't matter, 'cause I don't have to date him." "Oh, he's such a frightened little boy." "He's so fragile and insecure but, oh, look, you like him." "And you know, we can't choose" "Who we like and he seems to like you." "And look, you know, we've all got issues," "So maybe it's good for you to work through something like this." "I just ..." "Why does he flirt with you" "And then not want to pursue anything?" "So maybe that's because of his issues or maybe..." "Maybe he doesn't care enough about you to even bother." "So why don't you just find somebody easier than that?" "I never meet any new people I like." "When was the last time you met a new person" "And thought, "oh, gosh, that's an interesting thing you just said"?" "Well that's 'cause you're too bloody fussy." "No." "I'm calling it." "No, he's too difficult, josh." "I just think you should move on now." "You can't call it." " Arnold, Josh thinks we can't name one of the chickens Beyoncé." " Yeah, it's blasphemy." " What are you naming the other chickens?" " Adele and Shakira?" " Beyoncé's too good to be grouped with Shakira." "We can't not name one Beyoncé." "He's right, Josh." "You know he's right." "Okay, yeah." "I know, I know." "I just wanted to make sure we talked it through properly." "Do you have vegetarian pho?" "Ah yes, tofu." " So it has a vegetarian stock?" " Yes." "Um, just..." "There's no meat in the stock?" " No meat." " I'll have that then." "You really didn't trust that it was vegetarian pho." "Yeah, well sometimes they bring it out in chicken stock." "They?" "They?" "Who's they?" "Yeah, Arnold, who's they?" "Just..." "Them, okay?" "Arnold, can I ask you a question?" "Yes." "Are you a racist?" "Tom, can I ask you a question?" "Yes." "Why do you have no friends other than Josh?" "Look, Arnold, I live with a lot of regrets." "No!" "Say something nice, Tom." "I'm trying to court this bitch." "You have not answered the question." "I love asians." "A lot." "Probably too much." " Whoa!" " if anything." "Hi." "Oh, delicious." " Thank you." " Thank you." " Thank you." " Thanks." "This is nice." "You have to go, yeah?" " Yeah." " Yeah?" "You're going?" " Yeah." " Oh..." "Oh gosh." "You know, I have, like, an entire bedroom." " I can't, I can't." " It's just there." "Bye." "Bye." "Hey, John, do you think if you were a real boy, you'd date me?" "Of course you would." "I just don't know what else I have to offer, okay?" "I've made him so many dinners, vegetarian dinners." "I feel like all I've been doing since we met" "Is salt eggplant and pat it down with a paper towel and he still..." "He still won't have sex with me." "Yeah, what does he think this is, a Jane Austen novel?" "Maybe he's frigid." "No, he's had so much sex." "Just so much sex with so many boys." " Really?" " Mm-hmm." "He's got anxiety." "It's probably not about you." "Well, that's what he says." "Not to have sex with somebody 'cause you think they're gross." "Hey, you're not gross." "You're beautiful, like a hummingbird." "Like a baby seahorse." "You're like touching the inside of a curtain tassel." "Like Harry Styles's snail trail." " Okay." " I bet you've got a lovely penis too, you know?" "Like well proportioned, sturdy, jaunty little hat." "You're like democracy." "You really think I'm not gross?" "oh no, I was just pretending." "Yeah, I'm no expert." "You all look the same to me." "Let's go." "I have something to tell you." " I hope it's compliments." " I hate eggplant." "Eggplant?" "You love eggplant!" "It has the texture of slugs." "Why can't people see this?" "But you're a vegetarian." "No, Josh, we've been down that way three times." "Three times." " No, I think it's this way." "It's a dead end with a patronizing rabbit statue." "Hedges are supposed to be nice." "Why are they turning topiary against us?" "Fuck you, patronizing rabbit statue!" "You don't own me!" "No, Josh, I need you to acknowledge that you heard" "That I hate the eggplant." " You've eaten my eggplant at least twice." " Twice," " Twice!" " Yeah, I know." "Gosh, you must really like me." "Okay, well, I was just being polite." "Yeah, well, you could cook me dinner." "Why do I always have to call you, chase you?" "I don't want you to get too close" "And then realize I'm actually not that likable." "Whoa." "Whoa." "No, we're not stopping." "This is getting to our heads." "We need to get out of here." "It's like the triwizard tournament." "Surely I get to decide if you're likable." "I'm not ready to be vulnerable for you." "Ooh!" "Wow." "This is it?" "This is it!" "Victory!" "Okay, I'll organize the next date." "Oh god." "Oh god, I have made a mistake." "No, you have definitely not." "I mean, a moment ago, I thought this was beautiful," "But seeing you here now has made me realize that" "Perhaps it's like a bit much." " Oh, it is a lot." " Yeah." "Yeah, it's a lot." "Isn't a lot?" " Is this because of the maze?" ""I'm not ready to be vulnerable for you"?" "No, I don't want to talk about it." "Are you thinking that maybe we're gonna" "Have sex here for the first time?" "I don't know." "It's just that this is exactly how 16-year-old girls" "Imagine they're going to lose their virginity." "Just shut up." "He hasn't said it." "I think we're going to have sex for the first time." "Okay, you just need to..." "Let me ..." "Wonder how it will go." "* kiss me * * right down the milky twilight *" "Come here." "* swing, swing * * you wear the shirt and I will wear that dress * Okay." "* whoa!" "Kiss me *" "Okay!" "* right down the milky twilight *" "Do you not want to have sex?" "I do." "It's all I've been thinking about forever." "It's just at the moment what's been shooting" "In my mind is is how you powered these lights." " Batteries." " Batteries?" "You'll tell me if you're not okay, yeah?" "Yeah, it's fine." "It's fine." "* kiss me * * out of the bearded barley * Right, you should be on top." "Do you want to move this blanket?" " Okay." "Okay." "* nightly, beside the green, green grass * * swing, swing *" "That's okay?" "Okay, yeah, just never ask me if it's okay during sex again, yeah?" "Okay." "Deal." "* oh, kiss me beneath the milky twilight * * lead me out on the moonlit floor * * lift your open hand * * strike up the band and make the fireflies dance * * silver moon's sparkling *" "* so kiss me *" "You gonna sleep at my house?" "You know I can't." "My parents will ask just so many questions." "Okay, okay." "Maybe tell 'em you're gay, yeah?" " No." " All right, all right." "Mm." "Delicious." "So I had sex with that guy that I regretted having sex with again." "Arnold and I finally had sex and it was just terrific." "It was just really fun." " He's fun?" " Yeah." "Really fun." "Really talented." "Meanwhile, tom fingered his boss." " What?" " Are we..." "Are we telling people that?" " Apparently." " Is she a babe?" "No, not a babe." "Is he a babe?" "Yeah, but he's also just the worst." "The sex was so fun but now I'm freaking out" "Out that maybe he's a bad choice, you know?" "Maybe I stuffed up." "Maybe he's the wrong choice" "Not a bad choice." "I know bad choices." "I've made bad choices." "I've been a bad choice." "Yeah, Tom, why did you finger the boss?" "I didn't mean to." "What, did you fall in?" "She's been flirting with me for weeks." "She told me she was in love with my brain." "What?" "I'm very funny when I'm at work." "He just kept saying how much he loved my tits" "Over and over again, and I hate him." "When I with him, I guess I feel less alone," "But then the next day, it's like a tax on my loneliness." "I think mostly I'm freaking out" "Because whilst I'm confident arnold makes me happy," "I'm just not sure if he makes me, like, the happiest." "Do you know what it takes to be the happiest?" "You're versing the dalai lama." "Meanwhile, Tom's boss has a husband and two tiny children." "If that the first vagina you've ever touched" "That's had children come out of it?" "Ah, I guess, yes." "How did it feel?" "Different?" "No!" "I'm just not sure how much happiness we deserve." "Not much." "I think if anyone knew what was going on in my head," "It would be impossible for them to like me." "Can you tell me some things you think would" "Be impossible to like and then we'll find out?" "Before we go on dates, I write a list of questions" "In my phone to ask you, so if there's a lull" "In the conversation, I can go to the bathroom to confer." "I appreciate the effort." "I've never seen "love actually."" "Whoa." "Now actually, no, that's not okay." "That's crazy." "You crazy motherfucker!" "What a crazy motherfucker!" "Remember when I told you how much I loved "love actually"?" " No, I don't." " Well, you told me you loved it" "So I went home and googled it" "And I memorized the synopsis and I told you I loved it too." "Right." "No, I'm still in." "I still..." "I still like you." "Okay, sometimes I go to places early" "To check where the bathrooms and exits are." "And look, I need you to know that I know this is irrational." "I'm going to worry about things that" "You don't think are a problem." " Yep." " Like for example, you might catch me" "When we're out at a club hiding in a bathroom," "Which is a fine thing to do if there's no one" "Actually out there looking for where I am." "And I could kind of deal with this when I was on my own," "Because when you're on your own, you don't have to, like," "Have someone to answer to to make you realize" "How truly fucked you are." "And that's kinda scary, you know?" "Because someone, you, will actually" "Me?" "Yeah, you'll actually see all of this." "Okay." " Okay?" " Yep." "Um, so..." "My parents don't actually care if I sleep somewhere." "How often do you lie to me?" "Less and less." "Were you lying when you said you think I have a beautiful soul?" "Did I say that?" "I don't think I actually said that." "That's the problem with lying." "It's hard to keep track of." "Are you going to sleep over?" " Yes, please." " Okay." "Arnold has disappeared." "I thought things were going very well." "I was very happy." "I thought he was very happy." "Now he won't reply to my texts." "I do not know why." "It's been eight days." "I just decided I liked him, too." "Oh, you didn't hurt me!" "I saw this documentary which said that if you draw" "A line between the major landmarks in washington," "It creates a pentagram." "Satan's symbol." "How about that?" "You know, they had a drawing there and all that," "But I'm not sure who decided how to join the dots," "Because anyone can draw a pentagram on a map." "If they'd just gone around the edges," "It would have made a pentagon shape." "I don't think there's anything evil about pentagons." "Then I'm not even convinced there's anything evil about pentagrams." "But the documentary's been pretty legitimate, so who knows?" "Who knows?" "How are things with Arnold?" "Not great." "He's stopped replying to my texts." "I don't know why." "Been over a week." "Maybe he's out of phone credit." "Maybe." "So I've been drinking." "I missed you." "Hey." "Don't wake up." "I love you." "I love you." "Josh, I love you." "I didn't know what to do." "He just kept saying it." "I just lay there pretending to be asleep," "Playing dead as if he was a bear." "He say it first." "You are the winner!" " Yeah, yeah." "I win." " Aw, he love you!" "Why would he say it like that?" "That's how he wants" "To say "I love you" for the first time?" "Drunk, with the words "poof doof" stamped on his arm?" "What is poof doof?" "It's a gay club." "Oh." "So do you love him?" "I think I love him, but also..." "I don't know what love is, you know?" "I love him." "Yeah, you barely know him." "But you have been so happy." "When you are grumpy you are like your father, hmm?" "Sometimes I get so nervous you will turn out like your father." "Arnold, it's their first night outside." "I'm just so excited for them." "She wants to stand on you." " No no, thank you." "No please no." " Yes." "No, yes." "Yes, arnold, it's their big special day." "Let me put her on your head." "Fine." "No-- oh..." " Hey, um, so I have something to say." " Yes?" " I think now is the perfect time." " Okay." "I love you." "I hope they're gonna be okay in here." "Arnold, are you not saying it back?" " Ah, I, um..." " Arnold, say it back!" "It's a really big deal to me to say that." "Me too, also." "No, I..." "I don't..." "I don't know." "Arnold, you already said it, okay?" "You said it first." "Yeah, I was the winner." " Did I?" " You remember." "Don't pretend like you don't remember." "Just" " I don't-- I don't know." "I actually just can't..." "Do this." "Like I get this is a big deal for you," "And you have a big, complicated brain," "But just..." "Sometimes my feelings need to be thought of." "No, I am" " I'm not going to be pressured into saying it." "I'm just not going to be, okay?" "I need" " I need you to go home." "No, I don't-- I don't want to go." "I..." "I just" "I" " I do." "Yeah." "I" " I want you to..." "I just..." "Need you to just go." "Okay." "He just doesn't like me." " Yeah?" " I'm a troll." " You're not a troll." " No, I am." "I am." "I'm a troll." "It's that if I ever have any feeling of self-doubt," "Anything at all, that I am right, okay?" "I am correct." "I am a troll." " Okay, fine, you're a troll." " Thank you." "A slightly balding troll." "Okay." "I put myself out there." "Never doing that again, am I?" "That was a mistake." "Lost whatever the tiny little confidence..." "Bad choice." " Yeah." "Yeah, you're like, um, like a little baby deer." "You're like a little baby deer" "And you're trying to take its first steps." "You're trying to dig its foot and you get this..." "You get this strength." "On your little dainty-- your little dainty deer hooves..." " Yeah." "...And then arnold comes and he shoots you in your face!" "He shoots you in your baby deer face." " Yeah." "Yeah, he did." "He did." "He shot me in my face." " Yeah." " And I'm just twitching." "I'm just twitching, just alone on the..." "On the snow." " Yeah." "Yeah, little baby deer troll face" "Just sprawled all over the ice." "Wondering where my mum is." "Thank you." "You'll find someone else, though." " You don't mean that." " No." "It's you and me against the world, baby." "Oh." "Hi." "* silent night * "it's Carol Singers."" "Well give 'em a quid and tell 'em to bugger off!" "* holy night * * all is calm * * all is bright * * round yon virgin * * mother and child * * holy infant * * so tender and mild * * sleep in heavenly peace *" "* sleep in heavenly peace *" "* silent night * * holy night * * son of god * * love's pure light * * radiant beams * * from thy holy face * * with the dawn * * of redeeming grace *" "* jesus, lord at thy birth *" "* jesus, lord at thy birth *"