"My name is George Lass." "I'm 18 years old /and I am down there, somewhere." "I'm going to tell you a story, /not my story, that's later." "This is just a story, ready?" "Once upon a time or more specifically /at the dawn of time," "god, lower case g," "was getting busy with creation /as the kids these days are saying." "He gave toad a clay jar and said" ""Be careful with this, /it's got death inside"," "pleased as punch and oblivious /to the fact that he was to become" "god's fall guy on /the whole death issue," "toad promised to guard the jar." "But then one day toad met frog." ""Let me hold the jar of death" /or whatever you call it frog bag." "With a nod to Nancy Reagan's /pro of wisdom, toad just said no." "But frog was determined and after /much whining toad finally gave in" ""You can hold it but just /for a second", he said." "In his excitement frog began /to hop around and juggle" "the death jar from one foot /to the other." "Frog was an asshole." ""Stop" toad cried out /but it was too late." "Frog dropped the jar and /it shattered to the ground." "When it broke open death got out." "And ever since all living /things have to die." "Makes you wonder how much /better the world would be" "if frog had stuck to hocking beer." "So there you have it, the mystery of /death finally revealed, we all die." "Some of us sooner than later." "For me, it's going to be much sooner, /but that's only the beginning of my story." "That's not me." "That's me." "I'd say I'm sorry to disappoint you, /but I am not." "I excel at not giving a shit." "Experience has taught me that /interest begets expectation," "and expectation begets disappointment," "so the key to avoiding /disappointment to avoid interest." "A equals B equals C or A or whatever." "I also don't have a lot of interest in /being a good person or bad person." "From what I can tell either /way you are screwed." "Bad people are punished /by society's law" "Drop your weapon." "Put your hands in the air!" "and all good people..." "Who's a pretty kitty, here you are, come on sweetheart." "are punished by Murphy's law." "So you see my dilemma." "Georgia Lass?" "Hi." "I'm Dolores Herbig, as in her big brown eyes." "I'll be your Happy Time career counsellor." "Why don't you come with me." "Some college huh?" "Didn't finish?" "Some seemed like enough." "Mmm." "I see you have management experience in the food service industry." "Big mamito with a cherryone /peptid tide and an order of empty tots" "Yeah." "Do you ever wake up in the morning and realise that your life is meaningless?" "What?" "Are you familiar with the Microsoft Word Office Suit?" "Word?" "Access?" "PowerPoint?" "I know Lotus..." "We use Excel now dear, you might want to think about taking some tutorials." "I'm going to get straight to the point." "What kind of work are you looking for?" "I don't know." "What's available?" "For you we have clerical positions, reception, data entry..." "I was told to ask about being an executive assistant" "Well you can ask." "To be absolutely honest with your rather limited experience in education, you're better off sticking to redundant duties." "How do you feel about filing?" "I never thought about it." "Maybe you should." "Can I make an observation?" "I haven't seen to smile once since you set foot in this office and a sunny disposition goes a long way in any line of work, especially here at Happy Time." "Trust me no employer is going to want a sad sack on their hands." "Look at me, I certainly wouldn't have gotten far as that..." "How far is that?" "I beg your pardon?" "How far have you gotten?" "I mean it's not like this is a corner office with a view and like every day, you have to find jobs for other people, mostly that are going to be better than yours, and that has to suck and I bet they don't pay you much either." "Just making an observation." "How thing's go today?" "Okay." "Just okay?" "Yeah." "Just okay." "She bitter because they told her she wasn't qualified to get a decent job." " Aww sweetie, I'm sorry." " You want to know what I think?" "Here we go." "You should have never dropped out of college, and I still don't understand why you couldn't at least finish the semester." "What happened to you Georgia?" "You used to have friends, you used to be so smart, it's like you just gave up." "Well I hate to say "I told you so"." "You love to say "I told you so"." "Sweetie don't talk that way to your mother like that." "You know it only aggravates her." "Oh thank you honey, that's so helpful." "Meet the family." "Joy, 41, is a Virgo." "She is a career secretary and enjoys /ice skating and John Grisham novels." "She's pathologically afraid of balloons /and hates the word moist," "she thinks it's pornographic." "Clancy age 43 is a Cancer, he is /a tenured Professor of English at UW," "and I'm told very well respected." "He's having an affair with /one of his graduate students." "And that's Reggie, /She's 10." "She's not really invisible, but is far /as I'm concerned she may as well be." "This is delicious." "And moist." "When I was little my mom told me /Santa Claus didn't exist," "neither did the Easter bunny, /the tooth fairy or the great pumpkin," "even though she didn't /say so specifically," "I just sort of assumed that /god didn't either," "otherwise I would probably /be praying right now." "I'd pray for world peace etcetera /and maybe even for a little guidance." "I mean do you know what it is like /to be like cusping on adulthood" "and not know who you are?" "What you want to be or even /if you want to be?" "It's ten shades of suck, /is what it is." " Get up." " Mom!" "That woman from the temp agency called, she's got a job for you." " What kind of job?" " Beggars can't be choosers." " I don't feel good." " Too bad." "I think I have a temperature." "Damn it Georgia you are not six years old." "18 years of coddling, is enough for you young lady," "You think you are going to spend the rest of your life suckling at my retirement fund, you've got another thing coming." "You will get out of bed and you will work, you will collect pay cheque and you will move out of this house." "Understood?" "Get dressed." "Those are funeral clothes." "There is going to be a funeral if you don't get your ass out of bed." "Those are the last words /my mother will ever say to me." "Now move it!" "Boy is she going to be sorry." "Who had the nerve to name you Joy?" "So you see these all these boxes, we required a small insurance company based out in Spokane about two years ago." "All their claim files were shipped here for electronic data conversion." "This is what we call the pit." "Get cosy 'cos you are going to spend a lot of time here." "So your mission should you chose to accept it is to sift though all this crap and code it for the pencil-necks in data entry." "Think you can handle that?" "Sure, whatever" "Cool." "So what did you do to piss Dolores off?" "Huh?" "Dolores Herbig, as in her big brown eyes." "Huh." "You must of done something." "She only gives this job to people she hates" "As the work day progressed /I began to suspect that Dolores Herbig," "as in her big fat ass was the devil, /and she'd condemned me to hell." "To spite the big hoofed one I took /every opportunity to shirk my duties." "But even though I did my best /to do very little," "most everyone else was doing even less." "Welcome to corporate America." "Was this it?" "Was this who I was?" "Would I forever be remembered as a /file clerk?" "or worse a temp!" "Just toss them in there." "Where are the other files?" "Err, what other files?" "The other files I requested with the red flagged cases." "Yeah, looked for those, I couldn't find them." "Well files don't just disappear." "They do if you drop them down an elevator shaft." "Is that a joke?" "I don't know, yeah, maybe." "Can I go now?" " Which elevator?" " The middle one." "I was doomed to spend the rest /of my life in a lousy dead end job," "and I'm not just being dramatic." "It really is going to be /the rest of my life," "which actually only amounts /to about hour an half or so." "Hey what's up?" "Nothing." "Nada mucho, that's cool, then it's your lunch hour." "We'll see you back in 35." "If it's my lunch hour why is it only 35 minutes?" "Oh 'cos they did some research like five years ago and I guess they clocked some folks and figure to go somewhere and go get your food, you know like eat it." "So we'll see you in 35." "It was a beautiful day, /the sun was shinning, the sky was blue" "and the Russian space agency /was de-orbiting the MIR." "Evidently there was a miscalculation /in the density in the ionosphere" "at the point of entry or something /like that, the whole thing" "was supposed to fall in the Pacific /Ocean but a few pieces made it to the" "West Coast, including the seat /of a 0G toilet." "Excuse me, you got the time?" "Five after one." "Thank you, thank you very much." "So what is your name?" "." "Umm George." "I mean your middle name?" "You got a middle name?" "Fuck off, would you?" "Does it start with an L?" "You better hurry George, you're going to be late." "They say that your entire life flashes /in front of you the moment before you die." "That might be true if you are terminally /ill or your parachute doesn't open," "but if death sneaks up on you the only /thing you have time to think is..." "I'd like to solve the puzzle." "Hey, dead girl." "Hold on there a minute." "That's Rube, /he's un-dead" "They say that there are like five /psychological stages of death," "ironically this even applies /when you are already dead." "Number one, denial." "This isn't happening, this isn't real." "Oh peanut, this is as real as it gets." "You're dead." "That's Betty, also un-dead" "This is yours." "Mercy thing made a hell of a noise, didn't it?" "But I don't remember feeling anything." "Your soul was popped out before impact" "We do that for violent deaths as a courtesy." "But I didn't want to die." "Ah nobody does, except suicides." "They are no fun." "Number two is anger." "I'm only eighteen, I haven't done anything." "This isn't fair." "So what are you like angels or something?" "Oh no ma'am." "Angels don't like to get their hands dirty, you know upper management types." "We have the unfortunate distinction of being called grim reapers." "Number three is bargaining." "Well then can't you take somebody else, like an old person, or that homeless guy, I won't tell I promise." " Alright." " Really?" " No!" " Well I want my life back!" "It's not like you were doing anything with it." "And then there is depression." "I know what might cheer you up." "What?" "Your autopsy." "There's something about seeing /your body all empty and cold," "or in my case little chunks and pieces." "Rube says:" ""It's like looking at a bowl /of homemade peach cobbler," "you just dropped on the floor, /as good as it might have been" "you just don't want it anymore"" "It sounds kinda whacked, /but it did make me feel better." "I don't get it, why do an autopsy?" "Well you still have to identify the body." "How hard can that be?" "You were hit by an object travelling 200 miles an hour, with a surface temperature exceeding 1500° Fahrenheit, do the Math." "I don't know what was more disturbing," "being dead or the fact /that the first person" "to touch my naked body was a coroner." "This has been lovely and all but don't you think it's time to be going?" "Why you got some place to be?" "I don't know, do I?" "Well you going to stick around 'till your body's been laid to rest" "I'm meat in a Ziploc, how much rest do I need?" "That's not important, what is important is that you say a proper goodbye to the old life before you say hello to the new life." "What do you mean, the next one?" "Am I being reincarnated or something?" "Don't be an ass." "Everyone always says /the same shit at funerals." "They talk about how sweet, /wonderful and" "oh-so-full of life you were /and how it was your time" "and you can't question god's plan." "They never say anything bad, you could /be the biggest turd in the toilet bowl" "and still come up smelling like a rose" "What a wonderful girl, so full of life." "Get those out of here!" "Get out, get out." "And Betty, she just loves funerals." "She'd think she'd never been to one before." "I am so very sorry for your loss." "Excuse me, this seat's taken." "Excuse me." "How come they can see you but they can't see me?" " Well peanut, you're dead." " So are you." "Bite your tongue." "I'll have you know I am un-dead" "What's the difference?" "As an un-dead person I have certain rights and privilages, for instance I have a physical body." "I can enjoy this sweet, deliciousness of this tasty Key Lime Pie, and If I so chose I can even interact with the the living." "Observe." "Err, how do you do sir?" " Fine." " See you can't do that." "That sucks." "Yeah, for you dead types, sure but I like it." "It keeps the riff raff in its place." "Ah, I'm so glad your here." "I'm so glad to be here." "Err, is a friendly hug between two men supposed to last that long?" "And then there was Reggie." "After ignoring her for ten years," "I guess it ws my turn /to be the invisible sister." "You missed all the commotion, your mother balling so hard she started to choke." "I almost called the ambulance." "Really?" "She's a mess, she's never gonna stop missing her little girl." "Well, since you're interaction man, can't you just tell them I'm okay." "I'll get right on it." "Wait, then I'll tell them." "How do you propose doing that?" "Rattling some chains, make the lights flicker," "Do you know how to make wind noises?" "I can help you." "I could do that part." "Why do you have to be such an asshole?" "Whaaa." "So what's next?" "Onward and upward?" "Onward not upward." "No pearly gates for you, no choirs of angels, neither." "You dick, you're sending me to hell?" "Don't flatter yourself, you're not that interesting." "You little dead girl are going to be a grim reaper" "Huhhhh?" "Hundreds and thousands of people die every day, bodies are easy, dig a ditch, light a match, but what about the souls?" "Who takes care of them?" "We do." "We're balls bondsman for the disembodied." "See once their souls ditch their plushy parts they are in our custody, until they reach their final destination" "I assume you are talking about heaven?" "Who knows?" "Whatever it is, I hope it's not all gody-like like the bible." "Well I'd like to think it is just like this." "So does this mean that there is a god?" "What do you think?" "Willkomen to Der Waffle Haus, what can I get you?" "T-bone steak eggs, T-bonesteak medium with eggs over easy," "I want toast instead of hash browns and hot syrup on the pancakes and please do not skimp on the butter and a side order of bacon, extra extra extra crispy." " Drink?" " Lemonade" "Im not staying." "I've got an appointment downtown." "I hope it's not another dead hooker." "Miss, Miss?" "You said no-one can see me." "Now that was before you joined the ranks of the un-dead." "Now order something before she thinks you're retarded." "Errr, what he's having." "Mmmm-mmm." "Okay, I'm still having trouble with this whole "why me" issue." "Well you filled someone's quota." "Everyone is assigned an unspecified allotment of souls to collect." "Now you don't know how many until you've nabbed the last one." "Do you remember that weird guy that asked you your name right before you got torpedoed by the toilet seat?" "Yeah." "Well you were his last one, which means he gets a promotion, nice benefits package and you take his place." "Personally, I was glad to see him go, he was a pain in the ass." "Oh It's like being the millionth customer served 'xept there's no shopping spree." "You could have told me before." "Well pardon my savoir faire, but dying is traumatic enough without all the other stuff messing with your head." "Oh don't go getting your knickers in a knot," "It's a destiny thing." "Enjoy it." "They kept tossing around words /like "destiny" and "fate"," "the word "choice" wasn't even mentioned, /that's because I didn't have one." "Okay bye." " Bye bye." " And congratulations." "Are you going to eat the bacon?" "And just like that I became /a grim reaper, swear to god." "I was born again, but not in /a creepy religious way." "All around me was a bright shiny /new world and death was everywhere" "Infections and parasitic disease," "circulatory system disease, /malignant neoplasms," "those were the big three the leading /causes of death worldwide," "but they weren't my problem," "Grim reapers are assigned /to specific divisions." "My division is external influence." "Translation - murder, suicides, accidents /exectra, and I do mean exectra." "That's Roxie, /she could kick your ass." "Every reaper has their /own distinct style." "You know those little personal touches /that makes death so special" " Morning." " Morning." "You don't just stand there waiting for a piano to drop." "In polite society you take her soul at the corner, you let her have a little dignity." "So do you guys get off on dropping pianos on people?" "I mean is that like fetish or something?" "It's not our job to drop the pianos or the toilet seats." "Who's job is it?" "Gravelings." "Gravelings?" "Are they invisible?" "No, they're not invisible." "You just can't see them, not when you are looking at them straight anyway, but sometimes when something's about to happen or just happened, you might catch a glimpse of one of them out of the corner of your eye." "So just don't freak out." "But they're real?" "Yeah, I'm afraid so, ahhh they set things in motion, they make the accidents happen." "They kill people?" "It's like and life and death - they have to exist in perfect harmony, yin and yang, call it what you want, but that balance, it has to be maintained." "Or else?" "Or else things get out of hand and that ain't pretty." " Hey what's up pussy cat?" " Hey there man." "" " George, this is Mason." " Mason." "Ahhh Mason, Mason, Mason" " Mason, George." " Hey." "Does this crack have to stop and talk to everyone?" "Shhhhhhhh." "You just shushed me." "Now why you gonna do that man, that's rude?" "That's disrespecting the dead." "You two come here, you two just murdered each other, in a crack den." "You do not deserve my respect, hence shhhhhhh." "That's cold, man." "Mmm-mmm." "George died a week ago, in a freak aerospace accident." "Yeah, I remember you." "Toilet seat girl." "Look you already got yourself a nickname." "Toilet seat girl needs a place to stay." "You wouldn't happen to know of any vacancies?" "Ahhh I know that place at Spring Hill." "I don't know if it's still available but..." "Well do me a favour and find out." "And can you take with?" "I need a break, I love you peanut but you are wearing me out." "I'll see that Mutt and Jeff get to where they are going." "If you really want to be my hero, you'll let her tag along on your 2.30." " She needs clocks and observation." " What you on about?" "9.30am at the Waffle Haus, Banana Bonanza's my treat," "There's your bus, go on with the nice man, ah here we go." "Well it's rented out to some accountant guy." "He cooked the books for one of those tribal casinos." "He's made sure that all their bills have been paid off from an off-shore account." "How did he die?" "I don't know, didn't ask." "The bills are paid until when?" "Till someone decides to closes the account, in the meantime you squat." "As in?" "As in settling in property without right or title or payment of rent." "Reapers are squatters?" "Think of it as susidising housing, we preform a public service, don't we?" "The living probably don't think so." "What if someone shows up?" "You walk away." "Unless the tracher, then you run away." "So, how does this work?" "I just crash here?" "Yeah, more or less." "Do I get keys?" "If you can find them." "What do you...." "Jesus Christ." "What?" "Jesus Christ." "Jesus Christ." "Don't get loud, what?" "Those are dead people." "No shit." "Well, I can't live with dead people, that's gross." "You wont have to, look at these bodies." "Execution, execution, execution." "These guys over here were probably tortured to death." "Now this is a professional job." "So?" "So, these bodies aren't just going to lay around, they'll disappear." "They've got cleaning crews for this kind of thing." "You know." "Yup, they are probably on their way right now with a couple vats of acid and carpet steamer." "What are you doing?" "Collecting my salary." "Leave the plastic, cash is king." "We don't get paid through proper channels?" "No." "I kept telling myself "they're dead, /it's a victimless crime", then it" "occurred to me that's probably what /those guys who have sex with corpse do." "There's the accountant over there, why don't you check his pockets for the keys?" "Oh." "Not that I'm any great bastion of morality, but isn't stealing from dead people kind of tacky?" "Well, it's either this or get yourself a day job" "He's not joking." "The US government doesn't provide /food stamps for grim reapers," "we don't have special bus passes and /we don't get into movies for free." "Most reapers take what they /can from the dead, others get day jobs." "Do I need to be crossing over, passing on or something?" "You ain't going nowhere until I've filled my quota." "Hi." "What you guys doing?" "Looking for keys." "Oh I have them." "I called dibs two hours ago." "You've got a place." "Probates over." "My real estate agent asked me to leave." "It was all very civil." "Well shit, now we are going to have to find her somewhere to stay." "Well can't I just couch surf with one of you guys for a couple of days." "Mmmm, see that's the problem, it's never just a couple of days, is it?" "No." "Two days becomes a week, a week becomes a month," " we don't know anything about you..." " I mean you could be a crazy person and there we'd be inviting you into our homes..." "You understand our position." "Friends of mine at circulatory disease, give me the skinny on vacancies in their division." "Now I don't normally share privileged 411 but I like you toilet seat, you're boxy." "There's not going to be arterial spray everywhere is there?" "Let's hope he was considering he was to die outside the home." "Enter the angry white man." " What the fuck are you doing?" " And who are you?" " What the fuck are you bitch." " We are here about the apartment." "It's occupied, fuck off." " He called you bitch." " Maybe we should let him keep it." "I'm not going to co-sign on this bullshit." "Don't call me bitch, bitch." "Sorry to disturb you again, it's just that me and my colleagues here represent the local housing authority." "The tenant of apartment 12J is deceased." " This is 12J." " Yes it is." "Therefore we are going to have to ask you to leave now." "I have rights cock-knocker." "I ain't going nowhere." "Local and state laws which provide tenants rights are only applicable to traditional rental situations." "They don't cover squatting." "My names on the lease, you piece of shit." "Excuse Me?" "My name is on the goddamn lease." "I want to see some ID." "You're D.W. Manus?" " That's right." " You said he was dead." "I'm alive and kicking you're ass, if you don't get the hell off my slip, right now." "I'm so embarrassed." " What did you do?" " Well I made a mistake." " You damn right you did." " Excuse us." "Um, well, he wasn't scheduled to die until next Tuesday." "Are you shitting me?" "I thought it said the 1st, but it was the 7th," " see I mean doesn't that look like a one?" " That's your handwriting." "Well, I feel bad enough already." "What are we going to do now?" "Well, I think we should probably leave." "Okay." "We'll come back next Tuesday." "Have a nice week." "The angry white man would keep /his apartment for six days," "before a coronary thrombosis terminated /his lease." "In the meantime, /I was homeless" "Do you remember the first time you asked your parents about the D word?" "My dad just about shit his pants." "He told me not to worry." "He said that most people die when they are so old, they don't care about living any more." "I'm sorry, I tuned you out, were you whining?" "I didn't sleep for a month, as childhood traumas go nothing beats the realisation, everything dies, including you." "So much worse than what your parents could do, you know." "I was always a happy child." "I never thought about death that much." "Do you guys want to get some ice-cream?" "Betty treated us to an /ice-cream and went on her way." "I had chocolate chocolate something, /Mason had vanilla." "Normally I would find that suspicious, /but on him - it was endearing." "Hey look, this is what we look like to the living" "Holy shit" "Of all the things about being dead, /this one freaked me out the most." "Who decides what we look like?" "I don't know, maybe this is our inner child when it grows up." "If that was the case it looked like /my inner child grew to adulthood" "was paved with crack cocaine, ten dollar /blowjobs and maybe a trick baby or two." "Do you think she's pretty?" "Not as pretty as you." "" " I should of said thank you." "I wanted to say thank you, I wanted to smile /and flirt and giggle but instead I said:" "Whatever." "Be as the fly upon the wall." "Observe, do not interact" "That's very Zen of you, you must smoke pot." "Seriously." "Some reapers believe that your appointment with death, is on the books before you are born." "What if they don't make the appointment?" "Ouuww, I don't know that one." "All I'm saying is don't turn up and start moving shit around and talking to people because you, you might change the outcomes of events." "Treat it like rectroactive crime scene you stick to the sidelines and look for high risk factors." "Like what?" "People behind that counter." "They are miserable and unhappy people do unhappy things." "Bob's big boy on the ladder, he could slip and fall on somebody tweaker chick." "For all we know she's free-basing the ladies room." "Could be an overdose." "Maybe she just got her period, lighten up." "You get the picture?" "It's a clue." "Huh!" "Graveling in the bank lobby with the banana peel." "Alright, it might not be a graveling, could be murder, could be suicide, it could be food poisoning." "It's the banana peel." "Graveling, banana peel." "Okay, it's say it is the graveling, but the banana peel is a bit too obvious." "I saw them drop a piano on some chick's head." "I don't think they're trying to score points on originality." "It's not the banana peel." "If it's not the banana peel, go throw it in the garbage." "Fine." "I'll do it" "Alright, we need to entertain the possibility that it might be the banana peel," "Now sit back down." "That's what I thought you were going to say." "Sooo How much do we know about this person?" "Who?" "Errr the one that is going to die" "Not a lot, last name Moore, initials BM." "BM Moore?" "That's what it says." "ETD is 2.36" "ETD?" "Estimated Time of Death." "So is our BM a he or a she?" "I don't know." " You're kidding." " No, I'm not kidding." "We get a name and address and an ETD." "That's the stupidest thing." "I have ever heard, and on a post-it note?" "The less we know the better." "How do you figure that?" "Because it keeps it clean." "It's a lot easier not to give a shit when you don't know anything about them." "So I was like the fly upon the wall." "I observed, I didn't interact /and in my observation I heard" "a lot of B names being bandied /about the office gossip." "But were any of them BM's?" "There is Byron, the embezzling bank manager." "Brenda the office slut." "Brad the philandering loan officer," "and Becky, his adoring wife." "But there was one more B name /they were not gossiping about." "Hello." "Can I help you?" "Brett, the hapless bank robber." "Everyone listen to me, this devise is designed to detect the activation of a silent alarm." "If the silent alarm is detected, I'll start killing everyone... errr people..." "I mean I'll start killing people." "He rehearsed all morning." "Put down your weapon down on the floor." "Now now now, put your goddamn weapon on the ground" "Still think it's a banana peel?" "Kick it over to me." "Everybody down on the floor now, now you get on the floor, you get over here, hurry, how old are you?" "Get out here, now, alright." "Meanwhile the philanderer and the /office slut were making sweet sweet love." "As they had done so many times before." "Bradley!" "Brad!" "Brad?" "Down on the floor." "Don't you point that gun at me." "I'm holding a baby here." "Shut up." "You shut up." "Nobody said for you to stop what you are doing." "The man is waiting for his money." "How many people are supposed to die again?" "Just one, I think." "You?" "You know Brad?" "Yes." "I'm his wife." "Oh Oh" "Yeah, Oh." "Is my baby cheating on me?" "Ahhhh." "Just tell me the truth." "Is he?" "Yes maam." "Yes the whole bank knows about it." "Fuck." "Ooh motherfucker." "How long has he been cheating on me?" "Errr." "I don't know, two years." "Yeah I'd say two, at least." "Did you make love to my husband?" "No!" "No." "No, no, god no." "Brad?" "!" "Brad baby." "I'm not going to hurt you." "I just want to ask you something okay?" "I mean I know you are here because you left your jacket on the back of your chair." "Is he hiding from me?" "I haven't seen him since he got back from break." "Brad!" "Are you back there?" "Get out here right now." "I mean it." "You better unlock this door." "Nobody died." "Is that like kosher?" "It's not 2.36 yet." "Bank's closed." "ATM's bust boss I gotta to cash my cheque." "Sorry, bank's closed." "You were right." "It was the banana peel." "Dude that is fucked up." "Wait a sec, is that me?" "Yeah." "Sorry man you're dead." "No way." "Ah I just got paid." "Ah man this sucks." "Do you live alone?" "It had a poorly ventilated third /world youth hostel kind of charm," "at least there weren't any /bodies and of all the various" "of sundry stains none of them /were of blood or gore." "I was thankful for the little things." "It was official." "I was on my own." "I was dead, nay Un-dead." "And not only did I have to find a job." "I had to do laundry." "This was my so-called afterlife." "Hypnotised by the soapy swirl /of all temperature cheer." "It occurred to me if I was alive and /well my mom would be washing my sheets." "They would magically re-appear on /my bed, crisp, clean and tucked" "into the mattress, those days were over." "It was all over" "That didn't make it easier to move on, /even though life had moved on without me." "I felt like a pervert peeping /in from the shadows." "I could see her, but she couldn't see me." "Goddamn, she's selling my shit." "Can I help you?" "How much?" "That shouldn't be out here." "It's got a sticker on it." "Seventy..." "You were going to sell Frank'n'fruity for 75cents?" "Who said you can't put a price on childhood memories." "It's a mistake, it's not for sale." "Why not?" "Because I changed my mind." "I'll give you five bucks for it." "I told you, it's not for sale." "It's just a stupid toy." "It was my daughter's." "She's dead." "Now give me the fucking doll." "I never heard my mom use /the F word before." "My ears were actually ringing," "Where did she get it?" "What?" "Frank'n'fruity, I've been looking for one for a long time, where did she get it?" "She got it at a yard sale, when she was a little girl." "I doubt if they make them any more, try eBay" "How did your daughter die?" "I don't think I want to have this conversation with you." "Well, what was she like?" "Why do you care?" "I just think it is cool that she had the doll 'as all I mean." "Frank'n'fruity is the shit." "She drove me crazy if you want to know the truth." "What?" "She was stubborn." "I think that was only because she was smart, probably too smart." "She figured a lot of things out way before her friends." "That's for sure." "We never really got along." "I don't think I was a very good mother." "You want the goddamn doll so bad you can have it, but only until you find your own - I want this back, understood?" "5 dollars." "It says 75 cents." "You offered me five dollars, you'll get it back when I get my doll back." "You need to leave now, your making me tired." "Bye." "It was the longest conversation I had with /my mother since I started having my period." "And she didn't even know it was me." "Get up." " Come on." " Mom?" " No, I'm not your mother." " Fuck." " What?" " I was hoping that it was all a dream." "You go get dressed." " Get yourself a place to stay?" " Yeah." " I found a new place too." " Oh yeah?" "Very nicely equipped, all the amenities, a Jacuzzi tub, walk in closet with shoes for days and this crazy king-size bed." "It's all about the mattress." " Simmons, Terrace Hill, for the infirm." " You bitch." "Babies don't sleep that good, they can't afford to." "So did the waitress come back?" "Damn I am thirsty." "You don't mind, do you?" " Banana bonanzas all round." " Actually I was going to have..." "The man said banana bonanzas all around." "Banana bonanza and can I have orange juice." "and some water." " Bless you." " Excuse me." "Do your nipples go hard when you sneeze?" "Errrr.." "I don't know." "Mine do." "I could poke my eye out, and yours?" "Like little diamonds." "Mine are always hard, I'm not sure why." "I already did this guy." " That was senior, this is junior." " Oh, that's sad." "They should have died together, saved you a journey." "Really though." "So peanut, you feel like you can take a soul today?" "Not really." "That's too bad." "Time to bust that cherry." "To be or not to be, /that's the question." "And for one unlucky passenger /on postal link express," "it turns out I have the answer." " How do I know which one?" " Car six, seat four, travelling alone." "Once they take their seat, make sure they stay there." "ETD is 7.27, so Its going to be a violent one, so make sure you pop the soul before things get messy." " How violent?" " Wear a seatbelt." "Do trains have seatbelts?" " You know I don't think they do." " I'm going to vomit." "Well the first one is never easy." "I remember mine, damn fool blur ready nearly blew my head off." "It took me half hour I could find a piece big enough to pull the soul out of." "What happens if something goes wrong?" "Well look at it this way, you're already dead." "It's so not funny." "You'll be fine, just do everything that I showed you, and I'll see you at the next stop, right up here." "All aboard." "I was on auto pilot." "Every time my body took a step," "my mind screamed for it to stop and run /the other way but I kept walking." "I wondered which one it /was going to be," "and how they were planning to /get home from the train station." "Were they going to take a taxi, or was /a loved one supposed to pick them up." "If I have one wish, it would be that /the person sitting in car six, seat four" "would be detained by a security firm /possession of narcotic substances." "Anything that might /not get them on the train." "No such luck, we have a winner." "I immediately started to begin to /fantasize about what a bitch she was," "how everybody hated her or /that she was barren," "had no children to love her, /then this happened." "Her name is Kirsti." "All aboard." "She's in kindergarten, she loves /drawing and playing with Lego." "Her favourite food is french fries and apple /sauce and she has to die." "This is why having a destiny sucks." "I stared at the back of her seat /to what seemed like hours," "thinking about all the things /I would rather be doing," "like having a root canal or a pap /smear or going to church." "It sure beats flying, don't it?" "What?" "Oh yeah, I guess." "You know all the tequila in Mexico couldn't get me on a plane." "Now there was a time when I was about your age..." "I can't talk to you right now." "I'm praying." "Oh." "If only I could just close my eyes /and wish this all away," "wish it into the cornfield or whatever." "I'd open my eyes and I'd start over." "I'd do everything right." "I wouldn't drop out of college, /I wouldn't work at some crappy temp job" "and I wouldn't die." "Hi." "Do you work for the railroad?" "No." "I'm not supposed to talk to you unless you work for the railroad." "Okay, I work for the railroad." "Where's your uniform?" "It's at the cleaners." "It's okay." "What's your name?" "Kirsti." "I didn't know what to say after that." "I mean it's not as if it is covered /in Sesame Street, so I asked:" "You ever been to Sea world?" "Magic Mountain?" "Disneyland?" "I like Donald Duck." "Yeah me too." "You know how when you spend all day at the park getting on all the rides and you don't want to stop." "And then your parents say it's time to go home, only you're not ready yet, you just want to go on one more ride, but you can't, and it's not fair and you're pissed off..." "is any of this making sense?" "Why don't you come sit with me?" "Miss, everything alright?" " Yes we're just changing seats." " You know this little girl?" "I don't know her." "Maybe you should both go back to your assigned seats." "NO." "She should come sit with me." "Sit down and hold on to something." "Mr Binky!" "Everyone okay?" "There was 10 passengers in this car." "I'll count you all off." "1,2,3,4..." "Sweet Kirsti with her /sweet baby doll dress" "and her patterned leather /Mary Jane's was alive and well." "I secretly hoped that this sort of thing /was grounds for termination." " 10." " And that was one more than it should be." "We are all here." "Fortunately, the trauma of our /collective near death experience" "kept conversation to a minimum." "We are probably not that far from highway 20." "I'm sure rescue team are on their way." "I suggest that we use this time to keep warm and count our blessings." "Miss?" "We should stick together." "I have to pee." "Stay close." " Rube where are you?" " Keep it down." "You could have told me it was a little girl, you dick." "Well what difference does it make?" "It makes all the difference." "Why her?" "What do you think?" " She showed up for her appointment." " Well then you should have rescheduled." "That's not how it works, you just can't change fate." "I did." "What did you do?" "She's not dead." "I didn't remove her soul." "You mind telling me what you think you are doing?" "I'm letting her live." "Cardinal rule." "Everybody dies." "Now you better march on over there and take her soul right quick." " If you want her to die so bad, you do it." " I can't, no-one can, except you." "Death is non transferable, she's your mark only you can do the deed." "Well, baring all unforeseen accidents I'd say she's got another 80 years." "Well you believe me that's 80 years, she doesn't want." "What is that supposed to mean?" "Her fate was sealed the moment she stepped onto that train, her soul expired." "You know what happens if you keep a soul around after it's time?" "No." "Same thing that happens to milk, spoils, goes bad." "Souls goes bad in all kinds of ways." "But..." "If you are having trouble comprehending the severity of the situation, why don't you consult Webster's on the definition of bad." "If you don't take her soul it's going to wither and die and rot inside her." "I've seen it happen." "Do you wish to condemn her to that?" "She's just a little girl, she can't die, it's cruel" "It is cruel." "It's cruel as she never know what life is really like." "It's cruel to miss out on love and pain and beauty." "Id say it to everyone in the world except for her." "She won't give a rat's ass, she'll be doing something different." "That's just the way it is" "I just wanted to save her." "You can't." "You can't save any of them." "All you can ever hope to do is make it easier, and that mightn't seem a lot but it is." "Go on." "I don't know is this is what I'm supposed to say." "I..." "I mean you." "Do me a favour, just close your eyes" "We are going for a ride, okay?" " Wait." " You cant go whether she's going" " What is it?" " It's not for us to know." "As we walked into the dark unknown /or whatever you want to call it," "I thought:" ""Is thisit?" "is this who I am?" "Am I really a grim reaper? "" "I think for me death was /just a wake-up call."