"I'm Paddy McGuinness." "I'm Keith Lemon." "And this is The Keith amp;" "Paddy Picture Show, where we recreate classic films in a half hour, with the help of an all-star cast." "We got one!" "But the challenge of remaking a Hollywood classic as accurately as we can was never gonna be easy." "(THUD)" "We've had a documentary crew record all the drama behind the scenes..." "What the hell are you doing?" "..as we struggle to get our remake to the screen." "The biggest stars in British TV - you want us to play a couple of lousy Ewoks?" "!" "This week..." "Rocky." "# BILL CONTI:" "Fanfare For Rocky" "(CHEERING AND SHOUTING)" "Rocky, you're a bum!" "You're washed up!" "(BOOING) Loser!" "(DING)" "(DING)" "(CHEERING)" "(BOOING)" "KEITH:" "Paddy." "Ask him, ref!" "Ask him!" "Paddy." "Ask him, ref!" "Paddy!" "You're going too far." "Cut!" "He's gone too far, hasn't he?" "This is too much." "Got carried away." "Sorry, everyone." "Rocky, the Oscar-winning story of a down-and-out boxer who gets a shot at the world title." "Yes!" "That's the one with Mr T, yeah?" "No, that's Rocky III." "It's the one where he's training in Russia, he's got a beard?" "No, that's Rocky IV." "The original Rocky's a bit more gritty." "It's my favourite film of all time." "I prefer Rocky IV myself." "What's wrong with you?" "Rocky IV is just a massive montage." "I like montages!" "I think Rocky I is a bit gritty, a bit boysy." "How are we gonna make it a bit more Saturday night?" "By casting one of the world's most beautiful women as the female lead Adrian." "Is this the stage we're gonna be shooting on?" "Yeah." "We're building the Rocky there and Star Wars there." "I've only got one tiny problem." "Yeah?" "I don't seem to have any lines." "Are you sure about that?" "Check this out!" "Hello, Anna Friel." "Hello." "Got a chicken." "Yeah." "What for?" "For the catch-a-chicken training scene." "Yeah, trouble is, that's Rocky II." "Is it?" "Yeah." "We don't wanna get bogged down in the animal cruelty thing, chasing chickens round, people complaining." "Shall I put that chicken back in t'cage?" "Yeah." "So it says, "Paddy chats to actress Anna Friel,"" "and then it says, "Paddy..."" "Oh, dear." "Sorry." "It's all right." "When it says my name, it just says..." "Give us a hand." "Give us a hand, Patrick!" "Just give us a hand." "Come on." "Here he is." "Up that way." "Anna, if you could just give us a hand." "Where is it?" "Come on." "It's a tricky little bastard, isn't it?" "Yeah." "I've got it." "Just let t'crew get it." "Get this chicken." "Patrick, what you're saying is you don't wanna use any real animals?" "What about the next scene?" "It's set in a pet shop." "(SHOP BELL RINGS)" "Yo." "Cold night." "Yo, look at the little birdies here." "Yo, yo!" "I love the way they hop around the cage." "Lovely little emotional scene this one, where Rocky tries to ask out the love of his life, who works in a pet shop." "Sweet times." "Yo, these little turtles, these are my favourite, yo." "I love the way they swim around the little tub, you know, yo." "Woof!" "Woof!" "Woof!" "Hey, yo, yo!" "Butkus!" "Oh, Butkus." "I love this little guy!" "There we go." "There's a good boy." "OK, Butkus." "Get in the cage." "All right..." "Oh, I love that little guy, you know?" "You know, there's a game on tonight, you know, Adrian." "I was wondering if you wanna go catch a basketball game, you know?" "Catch a game tonight." "Yo." "OK." "(AS HIMSELF) Stop." "Stop!" "Get off!" "Cut!" "Pretty sure it didn't happen like that in the film." "The dog is certainly very affectionate with him." "Not like that." "I was improvising." "You said it yourself, in the film, they improvised loads." "Sorry about that, Anna." "I apologise." "Please, can I just have a line?" "Why would we get someone like the glamorous Anna Friel, and dress her like that?" "We should have done Rocky IV, because Adrian's more glamorous." "We're not doing Rocky IV." "We're doing the original Rocky, the proper Rocky." "Yo." "Hey, yo, Rocky, nice jacket!" "Hey, Rocky, you ball-bouncing bum!" "When I walked through that scene, an extra hurled abuse at me." "What's all that about?" "That was my idea, because if you watched the film, when he passes someone, they always hurl abuse at him." ""Hey, Rocky, you pig face!" Seriously, watch it." "Rocky, you asshole!" "Hey, Rocky, you piece of crap!" "What's wrong with you?" "When does all the fun stuff start?" "When he's got a robot, fast cars," "James Brown singing Living In America?" "The original Rocky's a bit more of a gritty character portrayal." "But there's still some exciting things." "Such as?" "In this scene, he's doing debt collecting. (BLEEP) debt collecting!" "Hey, yo!" "Yo, come here, yo!" "Hey!" "Not in the face!" "Mr Gazzo wants his $200 back." "Or I'm gonna break your thumbs." "I'll..." "I'll give you 130." "All right." "And here, take my jacket." "Hey, come on." "I don't want your jacket." "It's a good jacket." "Better be more careful next time." "I'll tell everyone you broke my thumbs." "Shh." "Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh." "(AS HIMSELF) It's that chicken." "On three." "One, two..." "Three." "Get it, get it!" "Get it!" "One of the best things about Rocky is it features one of the greatest characters in cinema history " "Mickey Goldmill, Rocky's boxing trainer." "And I'm getting to play him!" "Yes, me." "I've come up with a way to make this next scene a bit more glamorous." "(SHOUTING)" "What's the matter with you?" "You're all training like a bunch of girls!" "You're not eating your spinach!" "None of you look like you've been eating your spinach!" "Hey, Rocky, you douchebag!" "Look at you!" "Punch him in the..." "Oi!" "Never mind that." "What's going on?" "I'm just making it less boysy, so I've got some ladies in, so we tick a box for a female audience." "I don't think filling a scene full of scantily clad ladies is gonna appeal to the female audience." "Oh, yeah." "Yeah." "I'm wrong." "Shall we do it again?" "Yeah." "It's like Spearmint Rhino in here." "# VILLAGE PEOPLE:" "Macho Man" "# JOE COCKER:" "You Can Leave Your Hat On" "# JOE COCKER amp;" "JENNIFER WARNES:" "Up Where We Belong" "(BLUEGRASS MUSIC)" "Hey, Rocky, you douchebag!" "Hey, yo." "You wanted to see me?" "Apollo Creed's manager's been looking for you!" "(MIMICS POPEYE)" "Heavyweight champion of the world, Apollo Creed?" "That's right!" "They're looking for sparring partners." "Right." "Must be looking for sparring partners or something." "That's exactly what I said, dumbass!" "You know, for six years I've been coming here, Mick, and for six years you've been sticking it to me." "I wanna know why." "You don't wanna know why." "I wanna know why." "You wanna know why?" "I wanna know why!" "Because you had talent!" "You were a good fighter!" "But you threw it all away to be some second-rate loan shark!" "It's a living, ain't it?" "It's a waste of life!" "(CHICKEN CLUCKING)" "(Chicken.)" "(CHICKEN CLUCKS)" "I was good at playing Burgess Meredith, wasn't I?" "A little bit Popeye." "I think your Rocky accent's getting a bit strong." "We might have to put subtitles up!" "(MUMBLES)" "Anyway, time now for Keith to play another strange-looking, slightly revolting middle-aged man." "Another?" "There's loads in this film." "There really are." "(PHONE RINGS)" "Ah, Mr Balboa." "Do you know who I am?" "Yo, you're Apollo Creed's manager." "That's right." "Please, sit down." "I have a proposition for you." "You want me to be the champ's sparring partner?" "It would be a great honour, Mr Jergens." "No, no, you misunderstand me." "Hey, Rocky, you stupid poopy-face!" "I don't know why you don't give up boxing, you dumb piece of..." "Apollo Creed's next opponent has had to pull out, so he wants to do something different." "He wants a complete unknown to take a shot at the title." "He doesn't want you to spar with him, Rocky, he wants you to fight with him, for the heavyweight championship of the world." "Yo..." "Why me?" "Well, the fight will be held in Philadelphia." "You're local, and he likes your name " "The Italian Stallion." "Yo!" "It looks like I better get in shape!" "(AS HIMSELF) It's a training montage!" "(ALARM RINGS)" "# BILL CONTI:" "Fanfare For Rocky" "(GROANS)" "Oh, Momma!" "Yo!" "Yo, yo, yo!" "Push it harder!" "I wanna see you push it... (BREAKS WIND) Oh, my God!" "(MURMURS)" "(BREAKS WIND)" "# Getting strong now" "# Won't be long now" "# Getting strong now..." "What are you doing?" "It's not just about you, Paddy!" "# Gonna fly now" "# Flying high now" "# Gonna fly" "# Fly" "Everything was going great - the training montage had gone well, we were heading towards the big fight, and then we ran into a slight problem, didn't we?" "Yeah." "You all right?" "What..." "What are you doing?" "It's gonna take a long time, but I'm getting ready to be Apollo Creed." "Thought I'd start on my arms." "Carl Weathers?" "Yeah, Apollo Creed." "The African-American actor?" "Yeah, Apollo Creed." "Not a chance." "Why not?" "I can do t'voice and everything." "(AMERICAN ACCENT) I'm the heavyweight champion." "No." "No." "Just stop." "No." "You know what, Paddy, this isn't fair, because you're playing the star role." "I've got nothing here." "I've got all the rubbish roles." "Just strange-looking, slightly revolting middle-aged men and a dog." "I'm not involved in the final fight." "Who am I gonna be - just clapping in t'audience?" "What do you wanna do about it?" "Why don't we do another Rocky film?" "Who does he fight in Rocky II?" "Apollo Creed." "Who does he fight in Rocky III?" "Mr T." "I can do Mr T. (AS MR T) I pity the fool!" "Ugh!" "Stop!" "Not happening!" "I can't believe I'm gonna do this, but... ..we're gonna have to do Rocky IV, aren't we?" "He fights a white bloke in that." "You can be Dolph Lundgren." "Drago." "You happy with that?" "Yes!" "Nice." "Get that mess washed off your arms." "At the end, big fight, me and you?" "That's him." "Drago." "(WELSH ACCENT) Hello, I'm Drago." "I'll fight you down!" "I'll punch you in the throat!" "So now we're doing Rocky IV." "Yes!" "Yeah, but we had to figure out how to get from Rocky I to Rocky IV, whilst letting the viewer know exactly what happened in between." "We do it in a massive montage!" "Dear God." "Yo!" "I'm Apollo Creed, and I want a rematch!" "(GASPS) I was in a coma after giving birth, but now I've woken up!" "I'm Mr T, and I wanna fight YOU next, sucker!" "I'm dying of a heart attack here!" "(MIMICS POPEYE)" "And I'm much more glamorous now." "Yo, Adrian." "I think we got away with that." "Got away with it?" "We more than got away with it!" "We've got Apollo Creed played by Marvin Humes from t'Saturdays," "Mr T played by Andi Peters from t'Broom Cupboard." "It was a triumph!" "And we got to give Anna Friel some good lines." "And I think the subtitles really helped with your lines." "But then we ran into another problem, didn't we?" "Yeah." "Yeah, we did." "Whoa..." "It's looking down there, that set." "Turn round." "James Brown's in Rocky IV." "I can do James Brown." "Ah, sex machine!" "Ask me where I'm living." "Where are you living?" "# I'm living in America" "There's no James Brown, no Apollo Creed, no Mr T!" "You don't get it, do you?" "The idea of you playing Dolph Lundgren is to avoid any controversy." "The thing is with Dolph Lundgren, I look like him, I can do t'voice... (WELSH ACCENT) I'll punch you in the bum!" "But he was a 7ft giant." "How are we gonna turn me into a 7ft Swedish giant?" "(IRISH ACCENT) Here comes Balboa now." "His face is a picture of concentration, so it is." "It certainly is." "It's a hostile crowd today." "(BOOING)" "There's Ivan Drago, all 6'5" of the fella." "He really is a mountain of a man." "I must break you, boyo." "You do know he's Russian?" "I can't do Russian." "That's why I'm doing Swedish." "Nailed it!" "(DING-DING)" "Now, in real life, the sound a punch makes is actually quite dull." "It is, but in Rocky, the sound designers used loads of different techniques to make a more exciting punch sound." "They used the slamming of car doors." "Chains against the wall, bottles smashing." "It might sound daft, but it really works and it was more exciting." "Yeah, so we decided to do exactly the same." "We did." "(DOOR SLAMS)" "(CLANG)" "Hai-ya!" "(CLANG)" "Drago!" "(CHEERING)" "Yo, Adrian!" "(CHEERING)" "(TYRES SCREECH)" "(CRASH)" "(GUNSHOT)" "(AUTOMATIC GUNFIRE)" "# CYMBALS" "(LASER BLASTS)" "(HORSE NEIGHS)" "(COWBELL CLATTERS)" "# DISCORDANT VIOLIN" "(TELEPHONE RINGING TONE)" "# OPERATIC SOPRANO" "(DOG BARKS)" "(CAT MEOWS)" "(COW MOOS)" "ANNA:" "Oi!" "Oi, knobheads!" "(DOORBELL) Hello!" "Over here!" "(BOING) Oi!" "Just give me some (BLEEP) decent lines!" "Anna Friel does angry really well, doesn't she?" "Great actress." "One of the things we had to get right in the final scene was the fight make-up." "Unfortunately, it turns out the prosthetic make-up required to look like you've got swollen eyes is expensive." "So we could only afford for one of us to have the make-up." "And I bagsied that." "So I had to find a cheaper way to make my eyes look swollen." "(DING-DING)" "(CHEERING)" "Hey, Paddy, look at the eyes!" "They look real, don't they?" "(SPEAKS RUSSIAN)" "All that make-up does affect your vision." "Couldn't see a thing through those Yorkshire puddings." "(DING-DING)" "(CHEERING)" "Paddy, I'm gonna go down." "It's going on too long." "REFEREE:" "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten." "(CHEERING)" "# BILL CONTI:" "The Final Bell" "Hey, yo, Adrian!" "Adrian!" "Yo!" "I got the chicken!" "I thought there'd be a freeze button." "# It's the eye of the tiger" "# It's the... # Hey, we can't end it like this!" "You know what this needs, Paddy?" "What?" "A bloopers montage!" "Montage?" "We're not having another (BLEEP)..." "Every time he walks past someone in the film, they hurl abuse at him." ""Hey, Rocky, you pig face!" "You smell like shoes!"" "That's what they do." "Watch it!" "(GIGGLES)" "Damn it!" "Let the Barrowman feel the..." "Oh, (BLEEP) it." "But you can't do it." "(BLEEP) I've gone Scottish." "(BOTH LAUGH)" "ALL:" "We're here to believe in you!" "You were on the Indianapolis?" "What happened on the Indonap..." "What happened on the In-in... (BLEEP) off!" "This is it now." "What happened on the In-Indianapolis?"