"(Knock on door)" "Come in." "Everything's set for tomorrow's board meeting, Sir Jeremy." "I'd like to get away early." " Oh, certainly." " Thank you." " Important date, Miss Charles?" " I just want to leave early, that's all." "Good night, Sir Jeremy." "(Door closes)" "(Horn toots)" "(Horn toots)" "(Coughs)" "(Gunshot)" " The area's been thoroughly searched?" " Thoroughly." "The results are waiting for us in Sir Jeremy's office." " Right." " Haven't you forgotten something?" "It's 230 shopping days till Christmas?" " It's your birthday?" " Why have we been called in?" "Why have we been called in?" "This company, the Caritol Land and Development Corporation, have just landed THE contract." "I see." "Which contract?" " CUPID." " CUPID?" " CUPID." " Who is he?" "What is it?" "In the event of a war, where would the government go?" " The moon?" " Underground." "CUPID." "Cabinet Underground Premises In Depth." "To be built by this company." "So when one of their directors gets popped off ..." "We are very concerned." "Let's have a look at the evidence." "And what is exhibit one?" "A footprint." "Found in the grounds." "I hope they took a plaster cast." " Whoops!" " What does that say?" "Apparently, despite the size of the shoe, the depth of impression suggests that the person was of normal weight." " Not a giant." " Heh!" "Unless it was a very thin giant." " Hm ..." " And what may I ask is that?" "I don't know." "It looks rather like a ..." "A bunch of flowers." " Could be a clue of course." " Could be." "If it is, immortality is ours." "Well, it's bound to go into the archives of the Criminal Museum." "With a little card discovered and donated by Steed and King." "One bunch of ... bananas?" "It was a walking stick when you found it ... them." " It was." " Metamorphosis." " Tadpole into frog." " Could be awkward." "Swaggering down Bond Street with a bunch of ... bananas." " Imagine yourself hailing a cab!" " Bound to happen right outside my club." "I can see it now." "(Ripping)" " Taxi." " Air-conditioning." " I already have it." " Extra air-conditioning." "I think you'd better put that down." "I should have eaten the bananas when I had them." "As it is ..." "(Posh voice) Very theatrical." "(Laughs)" "Excellent!" "Excellent, gentlemen!" "Excellent!" "Are you sure no one saw you?" "Quite sure." "There was no one about." "It was like first house on a Monday." "(Horn toots)" " A wet Monday." " (Horn toots)" "Excellent!" "Excellent!" "Excellent!" "Sir Jeremy was only one of the board." "Our revenge will not be complete until all the directors are gone." "Look at this man, gentlemen." "Another director of the Caritol Land and Development Corporation." "The Honourable Thomas Randolph Cleghorn." "Your next victim." "Strike and strike now!" "He must be killed!" "Killed!" "Killed!" "Killed!" "Killed!" "(Makes duck calls)" "(Continue to make duck calls)" "(Gunshot)" "(Duck calls)" "Ah!" "15-8." " What do you think it is?" " A red ping-pong ball with a hole in it." "It needn't have anything to do with Cleghorn's murder." "It was found at the scene of the crime." "I know, but the Honourable TR Cleghorn was drowned." "And bopped severely on the top of his aristocratic head." "Bopped with the traditional bopper." "A blunt instrument." " Ooh!" " Ah!" "It just doesn't make sense." "Gigantic footprints, magical bunches of flowers, red ping-pong balls." "De-doody-doody-doody-dam-pam-pam..." " Now why didn't I think of that?" " Think of what?" "Noses." "Red noses." "What does that conjure up?" " Inebriates." " Now there's a long word for you." "I know lots, actually." "Anti-disestablishmentarianism." "You've been doing the crossword again?" " Trying." " What does it mean?" " Hm?" " Anti-dises..." "Or whatever you said." " Clowns." " Eh?" "You're not going to tell me anti-dis..." "or whatever, means ..." "No, no." "The vermilion proboscis." " A nose by any other name." " Ah." "Now this nose is part of a clown's make-up." "This is the section on clowns." "Jesters, mimes, mummers, harlequins." " And what does it say?" " It says ..." ""Turn to section 247." "Vaudeville."" "And what does that say?" "It says, "Turn to Appendix G5." "Dying Arts."" "Vermilion proboscis, proboscis vermilion." " I'm going through a phrase." " Ah!" "Eggs. "Consequently ..."" " Eggs?" " Eggs?" "Clowns don't lay eggs." "The bad ones do." "Ah, this is more important." ""Each clown's make-up is copyright and is individual as fingerprints."" ""These make-ups are painted and preserved on eggs ..."" ""... by one Marcus Rugman."" "Eggs?" "(Knock on door)" "Marcus Rugman, make-up registration artist?" " Yes." " I'm Tara King." "I phoned you earlier." " Well?" " Can I come in?" " Come in?" " Yes." " It's most unusual." " You are a public office." " Yes, that's the trouble." " But I have a query." "An important one." "(Unchains the door)" " You've read the notice?" " I like it." "One section applies to you." ""No handbags."" "I'll leave it outside." "You must be very, very careful." "Eggs break, you know." "So I believe." "You will see before you 22 years of patient brushwork." "Every clown's face in Britain registered and copyrighted." "By being painted on an egg." "Large size." "I'm here to trace a clown." "Well, if you know what he looks like, we can find him." "Please!" "No wandering please." "Follow me." "Keep to the white line." "Then they're out of reach." " Be careful!" " I promise, I promise." "(Gasps) You promised!" "I didn't know you were going to stop." "It won't happen again." " Well done, Miss King." "Well done." " Hm." "Now, what does this clown of yours look like?" "I think it's a red-nosed comedian." "A red-nosed comedian?" "That's the line we're following up." "I like a good baritone." "Or a troupe of young girls." "High-stepping young fillies." "Where's the sense in it?" "Two of our board have been murdered and now some fellow wearing a red nose ..." "Would be excellently disguised." "Mm, you've got a point there." "All clowns look alike." "I'll concede that, Seagrave, but still where's the point in it?" "Steed was brought in because of Project CUPID." "These murders might be part of a bigger plot to wreck the project." "We're talking about comedians, red noses." "Been nothing but trouble from the start, Project CUPID." " Come on, Brigadier Wiltshire." " Trouble?" " I understood it's all going smoothly." " Oh, and so it is." "And the fights?" "Bradfoot and Cleghorn arguing about the choice of materials." "And you and Dessington arguing about the choice of subcontractors." "Perfectly normal procedure in a project the size of CUPID." "There have been differences of opinion as to how to tackle the job and there have been disagreements." " But on perfectly amicable terms." " Oh, perfectly." "I see." "Well, I won't keep you gentlemen any longer." "I don't have to warn you to be on your guard." " Against comedians?" " What'll he do?" "Tickle us to death." "Heh, heh." "Oh, by the way, Mr Seagrave, you were wrong." " Hm?" " About clowns looking alike." "They don't." "Every make-up is copyright and preserved on eggs." "(Door closes)" "Eggs?" "It'll take time, Miss King." "Time." "So many faces and you have so few clues." "How long?" "Hard to say." "I might just put my finger on him in a few minutes." " Then again, it might take a few days." " I'll come back." "No!" "No!" "No." "There's no need for you to actually come back here in person." "Erm, perhaps I could phone you." "I'll give you my colleague's number." "It's in my handbag." "Handbag?" "Er, Miss King?" "Erm ... (Clears throat)" " Follow me, Miss King." " Certainly." "Hey!" "Wait a minute!" "Here's Steed's card." "Now, you will ring?" "Yes, yes." "Don't worry." "Yes, I will ring." "Bye." "(Exhales)" "(Shouting)" "(Horn toots)" "(Shouting and squealing)" "We summoned this emergency meeting because we do have an emergency." "We were set to move against Wiltshire." "Wiltshire will have to wait." "You carelessly left part of your make-up at the scene of the crime!" "Oh, no, I didn't." "(Both) Oh, yes, you did." "Oh, no, I didn't." "(Both) Oh, yes, you did." "Oh, no, I didn't!" "A red ping-pong ball." "It was a vital clue to your identity." "But we work better in full make-up." "But your make-up is distinctive to you." "That's right and if I found anybody pinching my act, I'll ... (Horn toots)" "Marcus." "(Rings)" " Hello?" " Ah, hello." "Miss King?" "Marcus here." "I think I've found what you were looking for." "(Crashing and smashing)" "What's that?" "Sounded like eggs breaking." " All the kings horses ..." " And all the king's men." "He must have been trying to tell us something." " But what?" " But what indeed?" " And who killed him?" " Look!" "Merry Maxie Martin." "(Horn toots)" "(Explosion)" "(Chuckles) Congratulations, gentlemen." "Superbly, if you'll forgive the pun, executed." "(Horn toots)" "And Marcus the Eggman?" "They don't call me the man with the million cracks for nothing." "(Chuckles)" "I don't think Marcus saw the yolk!" "(Horn toots)" "What's next?" "Or rather who?" "Another director." "But first think carefully." "Is there anyone else like the Eggman?" "Someone from your past who might expose you?" "(Horn toots)" " He's dead." " (Sighs)" "Right, off you go then." "Your target will be working late tonight." " It should be as easy as ..." " Pie?" "Right, gentlemen, that ends our session." "Just a minute." "Merry Maxie Martin didn't write all his own material, did he?" "♪ You know, I think you're right!" "I am right." "Merry Maxie always used the same gag writer." "Someone who could lead to us?" " Possibly." " Who is it?" "Who is it?" "Bradley something." "♪ Bradley ..." "Do-ray-me!" "Right, get on to him." "Find out where Bradley Dorayme is!" "No, no, no." "You misunderstand me." "His name is Marler." "♪ Do-ray-me-far-so-la-tee-do!" "♪ Bradley Marler!" "♪" "No, I don't want to hire a comedian, I'm enquiring about one." "A Merry Maxie Martin." "Martin." "You are the Vaudeville Artists' Information Bureau?" "Think I've got the man who killed Vaudeville personally." "No, I don't want Hilarious Harry Horsefly." "I want Maxie Martin." "Quick." "Retired?" "Semi-retired?" "Resting." " He's out of work." " Put it back." "Yes, well, that's the chap." "Now where can I find him?" "Through his gag writer?" "What?" "Who?" "Marler?" "Bradley Marler." "Thank you." "Well, what's the card?" "Three of clubs." "In your handbag." "(Guffaws)" "That's a great one!" "(Groans)" "(Knock on door)" " Come in!" " Bradley Marler?" "Well, if I'm not, I'm having a great time with his wife!" "Having a great time with his wife!" "That was a joke!" "I'm not even married." "A great time with ... (Sighs)" " Bradley Marler, the comedy writer?" " Here, look, look." "This girl was going to marry this millionaire." "Her friend says, "Do you know what you are doing?" "He's 87!"" "She says, "if somebody gives you a cheque like that, you don't look at the date."" " You liked that one!" " It has a certain humorous shape." "Yes, well, don't go away because it's here somewhere." "Let's see now." "Er ..." "I'm hoping that you can help me." "What is it you're doing?" "A stag party?" "A club?" "A bar mitzvah?" " I'm not in the entertainment business." " Oh, television." "I've got a hilarious brain surgeon routine." "Only been used once." " I want some information." " I see." "Doe rabbit comes out of the prairie bush." "She looks back and she says, "I wouldn't do that again for 50 bucks." Forget it!" "I understand you used to write for Merry Maxie Martin." "Maxie Martin?" "Oh, dear old Maxie Martin!" "Whatever happened to him?" " I was hoping you might tell me." " No, no." "I haven't seen him for years." "Maxie Martin!" "He was a great comedian, he was." " Red nose?" "Big feet?" " Yeah, that was Maxie." "He's a quick-change artiste." "Fastest in the business." "He could make about six changes of costume walking across the stage." " But you don't know where he is now?" " No." "Where do they go?" "Theatres and music halls close." "Vaudeville Variety die." "Maxie's act was the old style, you see." "Couldn't adapt himself to the new." "A fella comes out of his house." "Throws himself in the road." "Wallop!" "Old lady passes by." "She says, "Are you all right?"" "He says, "Yes, but I could've sworn I had a car." Ah, forget it." " Tell me some more about Maxie." " What is there to tell?" "He ruled the Gladchester Palladium." "Worked there for years." "They loved him." " Gladchester Palladium." " Well, it's closed now, you know." "Been standing empty for I don't know how long." "Falling to pieces like all the old theatres." " Times change." " Yes, I know, but ..." "It's sad to think you're not going to see those big feet of his." "(Horn toots)" "Lord Dessington ..." "Call Steed." "Tell ... tell him someone's tried to kill me." "Mmm, lemon-flavoured ..." "Glue?" "Yes, and fast setting." "If I hadn't managed ..." "At last it proves one thing." "Our killer's quite capable of making a mistake." " You're still alive." " Just." "No thanks to you, Steed." "Three of us dead already and another murderous attack!" "What are you doing about it?" "Chasing eggs?" "Or red noses this time?" "One red nose." "Attached to one Merry Maxie Martin." "Clown comic, quick-change artiste, star of the Gladchester Palladium." "But this company owns the Gladchester Palladium." " What?" " Yes." "Get the file on it." "It isn't available." "It's gone into our archives." "Oh." "Well, take my word for it." "The Gladchester Palladium is ours." "We bought it with a whole chain of Vaudeville theatres. 30 or 40." "All due for demolition." "Ha!" "As you know, Vaudeville's dead." "Looks as though Vaudeville may have just decided to fight back." "(Shouting)" "What a pity!" "Oh, what a pity!" "Oh, pow, pow, pow!" "Oh!" " We're sorry, Mr Punch." " Sorry?" "It was a failure!" "A failure, a failure." "Oh, what a pity." "What a pity." " We can do it second performance." " Lord Dessington should be dead!" "He will be." "We'll ... we'll leave right away." "Wait!" "There is another matter!" "Even more urgent." "I asked you earlier if there was anyone who knew you who could be a danger." " There's nobody." " We think differently." " Who?" " You're old gag writer, Bradley Marler." "(Chuckling)" "I don't get it." "Hm ... (Chuckles)" "(Horn toots)" "Maxi!" "(Laughing)" "Hey!" "Hey, Maxie!" "How are you, boy?" "Looking great!" "Are you all right!" "(Horn toots)" "Here you are!" "Here you are!" "Come in." "Have a chair." "Have a chair!" "There was a fella here looking for you." "That's no way to find work!" "Where have you been hiding?" "(Horns toot)" "Vauda Villa!" "You can't fool me, Maxie!" "I know why you're here!" "I know why you're here." "Material!" "That's what you want, innit?" "I've got some lovely material here." "I was doing one this morning which was a beauty." "Oh, yeah." "You remember that?" "Remember that lovely knife-throwing routine?" "Wasn't that sensational?" "What about the girl you had in there?" "What a beauty?" "The roll on the drums." "Straight past and you had to be drunk." "That was it." "You was drunk." "All the time tottering about." "Ha-ha!" "Great stuff it was!" "And then when you threw that knife ..." "Oh!" "Now you're quite sure you know what to do?" "Three things." " One, stay close to Dessington." " Very close." " Two, never let him out of my sight." " Not for a second." "Three, be prepared for another attempt of murder." " At any time." "Good." " I'll get right on duty." "Anything else?" "Yes, why did you hold up four fingers?" "I can't seem to manage three." "They all bend." "Why didn't she do it with her thumb?" "(Phone rings)" " Hello?" " (Marler) 'Steed?" "'" "Yeah." "I don't know what you're going to make of this." "(Chuckles) But they killed me." " 'Maxie was here." "Merry Maxie Martin.'" " Did you get his address?" "'Where is he now?" "'" "Hello?" "Hello!" "(Groans) I'm still here." "Er ..." "I wrote it down." "It's ... on the desk." "Marler?" "Marler!" "Is that everything, Mr Seagrave?" "Yes, there are a few queries, but I'll raise those with the architects myself." " I have a couple of visits to make now." " Will you be back today?" "It depends on when I get through." "I'll ..." "I'll phone in for any messages." "(Door closes)" "(Dessington) Come in!" "It's the correspondence on Project CUPID, sir." " Huh?" " Private and confidential correspondence." "Oh, yes." "Thank you." "Just go ahead." "Act normal." "Darn it, I am normal." "Who is this person?" "King." "Tara King." "Steed sent me." " Steed sent you?" "Why?" " To look after you." " Look after me?" " Personal bodyguard." " Really?" "Is this absolutely necessary?" " Oh, extremely." "I suppose there's no real harm in it." "Not really my place to say so." "I thought I'd leave if you have no objection." " Leave?" "Now?" " If you don't mind." "Oh, no, of course not." "Off you go." "Well, well." "Bodyguard, eh?" "Well, well." " King you said?" " Mm." "Tara King." "Tara King ..." "Well, well." "Bodyguard." " Perhaps you'd care for a drink." " No, thanks." " Perhaps you wouldn't mind if I had one." " Not at all." "(Chuckles)" "(Chuckles nervously)" "Marler?" "Written on the desk." "Bradley Marler has taken his last curtain call!" "Yippee!" "(Singing)" "(Clapping for attention)" "Excellent!" "Excellent!" "But you must leave at once and rectify your mistake." "Lord Dessington." "He must be killed." "Killed, killed!" "Killed, killed, killed!" "Killed, killed, killed!" "Oh, well, well." "Bodyguard, eh?" "Well, well, well." "And you've come to keep an eye on me, eh?" "That's the idea." "Oh, well, well." " Were you ever in the army?" " No." "Of course not." "Foolish of me." "I spent most of my time in the Middle East." "Funny place." "Hot." "Er, lots of sand." "(Chuckles) Lots of sand." "I was in charge of camels." "I don't suppose you ...?" "Oh ... of course not." ""There was a young lady of Gloucester." "She met a young ..."" " Are you sure you won't join me?" " Quite sure." "(He chuckles nervously)" " I was once in north Alaska." " North Alaska?" " Have you been there?" " No." "Never." " Very interesting, I believe." " I don't remember." " I was only two years old at the time." " Oh." "Heh, heh." "No camels in north Alaska." "It's one of the main features of the place." " What?" " The absence of camels." "Oh, yes." "Heh, heh." "(Dessington) Lots of sand." "Lots of sand." " I beg your pardon?" " In the Middle East." "Oh!" "Lord Dessington, please relax." "After all, we must have something in common besides camels." "Well, let's try, shall we?" " Cricket?" " Skiing." " Stock exchange?" " Fashion." " Golf?" " Motor racing." "Glass walking sticks?" "(Both) Music!" " Classical or modern?" " Either." "I like Bach." "Or Hindemith." "Or Brubeck." "(Both) I went to a concert." "(Dessington) A great concert." "A great symphony." "A great conductor." "Oh, joyous!" "Joyous!" "I particularly like that violin stanza that goes ..." "Da, da, dam..." "And then the cymbals." " And the flutes." " The brass rises up." " The piano." " Piccolo." " The strings again." " The French horn!" " The cello." " A wave of sound building up." "The drums." "A roll." " Building up to a pitch." " A crescendo." "And now the whole orchestra joins in." "The grand finale!" "Ta-da!" "She's still on our tail." "(Horn toots)" "No, no, no." "Straight on." "I've got an idea." " Oh!" " Could I be after helping you?" " Officer, there were these two men ..." " Which two men will they be now then?" "They just went in there in a taxi cab, you see, and I ... (Groans)" "(Sighs)" ""Vauda Villa"?" "(Punch) Who is it?" "Who is it?" "(Gasps)" "(Chuckles)" "That's the way to do it!" "(Indistinct muttering)" "Excellent, gentlemen!" "Excellent!" " Did anybody see you?" " No." "She was on her own." "Well, then, this illusion is simple." "She must be eliminated!" "Not me." "I'm not killing a woman." " Why the distinction, Mr Martin?" " I don't care." "I won't do it." " Let me have her, Mr Punch." " Who is it?" "Who is it?" "It's me." "Fiery Frederick." "I need a new assistant to perfect my act." "(Snaps) Yes, give her to Fiery Frederick." " No!" " Yes!" "(Tara moans)" "Yoo-hoo!" "There will be a final meeting this evening." "At six o'clock." " But there's only one director left." " (Punch) Six, six, six, six, six!" "You'll go down in history, my girl." "The very first woman to be burnt in half." "Ooh, I know plenty who have been sawn in two." "But burnt?" "Never." "(Giggles)" "It's in its early stages, you understand." "I think it might work." "But even if it doesn't, it's stage history, isn't it?" "Relax, my girl." "Relax." "Yes?" "Gentleman Jack, a smile, a song and an umbrella." "Oh ..." "Merlin the Magnificent Magician." "I'm the principal here." "Can I help you?" "This is Vauda Villa, the stopping place for resting artistes?" " Yes." " Then you can." "I'm a resting ... artiste." "Ah, Oh, I'm afraid we've no room, no vacancies." "You can't stay here." "But surely you can show me around?" " Erm ..." " Good!" "That's settled then!" "We're ... very comfortable here." "This of course is the lounge, stage, reading room." "Charming." "I can't wait till a place becomes available." "Now what goes on in there?" "Just a store room." "Props and hampers, you know." "Ah." "Who's that?" "Gentleman Jack." "A smile, a song and an umbrella." "Oh." "Get rid of him." "It's nearly time for our meeting." "I'm trying!" "I'm trying!" "(Honks)" "That's private." "I must ask you to leave now." " But I haven't seen anything!" " Some other day perhaps." "I haven't met any of your guests." "How do you do?" " Very well, thank you." " Nice fellow." "Gentleman Jack, please." "But I was looking forward to meeting them." "Ah, but you wouldn't like them, you know." "They're all eccentric." "All of them." "All of them." "Except me of course." "(Clock chimes)" "Ah ..." "Huh?" "No gags." "Do-dee-do-dee-do-dee-do..." "Wow!" "Welcome, everybody." "Welcome." " And now for the final stage of our plan." " Oh." "I have a big surprise for you." "Big surprise?" " What are they planning?" " To wreck CUPID." " Is that a fact?" " A guess." "And the merry vaudevillians?" "They think they're getting back at the company that closed their theatres." "So what do we do?" "Join the meeting?" "In a suitable disguise." "And now the big surprise." "We have decided to call a halt to operations for a while." "We can't stop!" "There's one director left!" "Get rid of him and we can get back to the theatres." " We can't stop now!" " No!" "Be quiet, be quiet, be quiet!" "(Horn toots)" "(Shouting)" "This whole operation was ours." " We want action!" " Action you will get!" "(Shouting)" "What's going on?" "(Shouting)" "I'm not having it!" "(Doll groans)" "We demand an enquiry!" "There is one director left!" "Isn't there one ...?" "(Horn toots)" "(Tara grunts)" "(Grunts)" "Young man, you're sitting on my washing." "(Gunshot)" "(Groans)" "Ha!" "Ha!" "(Gasps)" "(Groans)" "(Grunts)" "(Shouts) Ooh!" "(Horn toots)" "(Grunts) What's next?" "Find out who really pulls the strings around here." "Did I tell you about the chap who wanted to clean up with a foreign power?" "No, you never did tell me." " Thought he'd sabotage CUPID." " Sabotage CUPID?" "Persuaded a group of variety artistes to do his dirty work for him." "Steed, you forgot the punch line." "(Punch) Whoa!" " (Tara) The last director." " Seagrave." " Curtain?" " Curtain." "(Chuckles)" "(Doorbell rings)" "Tara!" "More beautiful than ever." "Come in." "And on time too." "Steed, you promised to take me to the opera." "I know I did." "I thought it'd be a change from red-nosed comedians." "But the performance starts in half an hour." "Oh." "Oh, I see." " You'll never be ready." " I promise you won't be disappointed." " No." " No?" "(Clicks fingers)" "Well, you can't work on a case like this without learning something." "Shall we go?"