"Copyright from ecOtOne™" "MELANIE:" "Good morning, Connor." "Versace is on 1." "CONNOR:" "Okay." "MELANIE:" "Clear out." " Good, good, good." "Oh, I like this." "Okay, ladies, do not look at me or the camera." "Just keep doing what yöu do." "On three." "One, two, three." "All right." "Reset, I'll be right back." "Pull the backlight down, and stop." "And more martinis around." "Nice work, gentlemen." "MELANIE:" "Connor wants a re-light on one." "We're moving to Stage 2." "And the Vanity Fair cover is waiting on two." "WOMAN:" "Oh, hey, yöu." " Hi, Mr. Mead." "Hey." "Good morning, ladies." "So do yöu wanna have dinner with us after?" "I'd love to, but I can't." "I'm booked solid, ladies." "But I will find yöu, okay?" "WOMAN:" "Okay." "yöu want me to book them?" "CONNOR:" "Yes." " Bye." " Separately or together?" " Yes." "Ha, ha." " Good morning, Kalia." "KALIA:" "Hello." "I'm Connor Mead." " yöu're ravishing." " Well, thank yöu." "Stand here, please." "All right." "Let's get started." "Get rid of the green screen." " Um, let's cozy up." "Give me key light." " Wha...?" " Bring it over and down six inches." " Excuse me, what are yöu doing?" "And keep the set medic on cue just in case." "Can I have the, um...?" "Apples." " This is my wardrobe." " That's the one." "Oh, an ode to Billy Tell." "I just wanna let yöu know that I'm a huge fan." "Likewise." "I mean, I'm not 12 years old and tone-deaf, so I don't like yöur music but I really dig yöur look." "Can we come here and strengthen up these eyebrows a touch?" " Stay right there." "Stay right there." " So this is it?" "This is the picture?" " I'm half naked with an apple on my head." " Yes, yöu are." "This is the cover of Vanity Fair from the great Connor Mead?" "Well, not quite." "I'd like to introduce yöu to Kako Tatsumi." "She's a Japanese archery champion." "She's gonna be helping us out today." "And yöu have nothing to fear." "She placed sixth in Beijing." "[CHUCKLES]" "Are yöu joking?" "Is he...?" "Is he joking?" "Kalia, chin down, eyes here, arms to yöur side." " Somebody tell me he's joking." "CONNOR:" "Don't move." "Kako, on my count." "[SPEAKING IN JAPANESE]" "She didn't even medal!" "[KALIA SCREAMS]" "[KALIA SCREAMS]" "KALIA:" "Just listen to my music." "I am more than my look." "I am." "Sweetie, yöu are already gorgeous." "Why do yöu need to be good at two things, huh?" "MELANIE:" "Connor." " Need yöur select on the mayor's proofs." " Now?" "And I'm juggling three of yöur buddies on iChat." " Does she knock?" "Sorry. yöu told me to make sure yöu were on the road by 2." "Why?" "MELANIE:" "yöur brother's wedding in Newport?" " That's today?" "MELANIE:" "The rehearsal dinner's tonight at yöur Uncle Wayne's old estate." " Oh, God, I gotta get up there." "And I have Kiki, Charlece and Nadja on yöur IM." "They keep calling." " Nadja." "Remind me who Nadja is again?" " Nadja was dinner Friday night." " Right." "Very pretty girl." "Didn't say much." " She's Romanian." "Barely speaks English." "Well, that explains it." "Scan these to Mike right away." "I am a touch busy, if yöu could take care of those calls, I'd appreciate it." "No." "No way." "I'm not breaking up with girls for yöu, Connor." "That's where I draw the line." "I believe in karma." "Okay." " Conference them." "MELANIE:" "Conference them?" "CONNOR:" "Conference them." "MELANIE:" "Oh, no, yöu wouldn't." "Oh, yes, I would." "They're conferenced." "Click here to disconnect." " Hello, ladies, it's Connor Mead." "CHARLECE:" "Hi, Connor." " Hi." " Whoa, is there anyone else on the line?" "Listen, I'm sincerely pressed for time right now, so I'm gonna..." "Well, I'm gonna have to do this in bulk." "Um..." "It's not gonna work out for us." " Wait, are yöu kidding me?" " What?" "Tell me yöu're not breaking up with me on a conference call." "KIKI:" "But I thought things were going great." "NADJA: yöu are a womans hater." "Connor Mead hates womans." "No, no, no, I love womans." "I mean, "women," all right?" "I love all women." "That's the problem here." "KIKI:" "No." "The problem is yöu date a girl for two weeks, get her to fall in love with yöu..." "He takes the love and he hoard it, like a miser." "Jesus, doesn't anyone just wanna have fun anymore?" "I like to have fun." "All right, then don't listen to these ladies." "They are crazy." "We can still hear yöu when yöu cover the camera, yöu know." " Right." " Emotionally retarded." " yöu really need therapy." " yöu stupid boy." "Ladies, it sounds like yöu have an awful lot to discuss, okay?" "So I'm gonna jump off, but feel free to keep talking, okay?" "Kiki, Nadja, Charlece, I had an amazing time with each one of yöu." "I wish yöu all the best." " Goodbye." "KIKI:" "No, we are not done... yöu really are as bad as they say." "CONNOR:" "Oh, no, dear, I am just a little bit worse." "Of course, yöu'd never treat me that way, right?" "No." "I just did that for yöu." "I'm cleaning my plate for the main course." "[LAUGHING] yöu're the biggest jerk ever." "In fact, yöu're even famous for it." "No, really, why am I doing this?" "Well, it usually has something to do with yöur father." "Oh, please." "I've never even met my father." "Well, come to papa." "[SIGHS]" "Okay, here we go." "This will have gone like clockwork, so at 1529 I will say:" ""yöu may kiss the bride."" "PAUL:" "Oh, we should practice that, shouldn't we?" "[KNOCKING ON DOOR]" "JENNY:" "Oh, God." " Paulie." "Hey." " Connor." "Go around." "CONNOR:" "Yeah." "He came." "[LAUGHING]" " He came." " He came." "SANDRA:" "What's wrong?" " What?" "Well, yöu and all but one of my bridesmaids have slept with him so he can't be that bad, right?" " No." " Jenny, soothe the nervous bride." " Oh, it's fine." "Hey." "PAUL:" "Connor." " Good to see yöu." "Yeah." " yöu made it." " yöu look great." " Thank yöu, man." "PAUL:" "What do yöu think about what we did to Uncle Wayne's old karate dojo?" "CONNOR:" "Whoa." " I'm psyched." "I didn't think yöu were gonna make the rehearsal." "Well, I wanted to get here early make sure yöu had time to think about our last conversation." "yöu know, the one about marriage, love, never-ending lifelong monogamy?" "Yes, I definitely thought about it." " yöu did?" "Good, good." " Yes, I did." "If yöu're having second thoughts, here's the key to my Jag." "yöu give me the word, I'll block." " Oh, my God, yöu're serious." " yöu're damn right." "Man, I'll do anything for yöu." "Who's got yöur back, huh?" "Hey, it's yöu and me against the world, right?" "Why is he giving him keys?" " Why's he giving him keys?" " Oh, I bet he's giving yöu a car." " I'm just gonna go check on that." " Okay." "Connor, we've talked about this." "I wanna get married." "I love Sandra." " yöu say that now, okay?" " Everything okay here, guys?" "Because we're still, yöu know, rehearsing." " Jenny Perotti." " Connor Mead." " I'll be damned." " That's probably true." " Hey, the bride's unsupervised." " I'm on it." " Buddy, we're not done talking about this." " Done talking about what?" " Options." " Options." "Yeah, listen to me, Connor." "This is the biggest weekend in Sandy's life." "If yöu detract from her wedding I will sneak into yöur room and cut off yöur favorite appendage." "Now, the first part sounds nice." "I can make it look like an accident." "Don't push me." "Just try to be supportive." "Normal." "Just not a train wreck for once." " I'll be on my best behavior." "JENNY:" "That worries me." "I will, I'll be supportive." "Whatever." " Really?" "CONNOR:" "Yes." "JENNY:" "Come on." "See?" "I knew there wouldn't be any weirdness between yöu two." " Connor, yöu remember Sandra?" " Yes, I do." "How are yöu, Sandra?" "yöu know, it's not too late to get out, gorgeous." "He's joking." "And yöu know the bridesmaids." "Oh, yes, I do." "Deena, Donna." "How are yöu?" " And, uh...?" " Denice." "CONNOR:" "Nice to meet yöu, Denice." "Ladies." " Me too." "How are yöu?" "PAUL:" "My groomsmen." "Guys, this is my brother, Connor." " We've heard the stories, man." "CONNOR:" "Oh, okay." " An honor to be serving with yöu." " And with yöu." "It's "mice" to "neet" yöu." "Damn it, I blew it." "JENNY:" "Sorry to break up the bromance, guys, but I need yöu right here where I can keep my eyes on yöu." " Absolutely." " Are we ready?" "Yes, sorry, sarge." "Sarge?" "Are they getting married by a cop?" "Sergeant Major Volcom, United States Marine Corps." "I am not a cop." " Where'd yöu find this ray of sunshine?" "PAUL:" "He's Sandra's dad." "Sarge, this is my brother, Connor." "Connor, this is the sarge." "He was ordained right after the war." "Little war called Korea." "Perhaps yöu've heard of it, slick?" "Lost more men than Nam." "We didn't get a wall." "We didn't get a movie." "We got a sitcom with Alan Alda which was all nonstop laughs unless yöu were the one watching his friends die." "The war's over, Dad." "It was a tie." "yöu know, we should probably try to keep going on schedule." " Hua." " Hua." "Following the kiss at 1530 hours, on my mark groom will take bride's left forearm rotate 180 degrees, orienting north by northwest." "Then I will announce yöu as husband and wife." "Following which..." "Following which, yöu will live happily ever after." "[CHUCKLES]" "SANDRA:" "Oh, Daddy." "DENICE:" "So sweet." "Oh, my God." "DEENA:" "That is sweet." " I'm surrounded by huggers." " There we go." " No, we're cool, man." " Come on." "Hey, Uncle Wayne." "Ah, the world's a lot less fun without yöu in it, buddy." "Oh, no." "Oh, no." "No decorations in here." "No." "No." "No." "And, yes." "No." " No!" "Wha...?" "What did...?" "What the...?" " Something wrong?" "I got over 30 scented candles in my room." " Oh, the wedding scent is lavender." " The wedding scent?" " And people wonder why I'm not married." " Not really." "I mean, seriously, Jenny, my Uncle Wayne is rolling over in his grave right now." "No, come on." "Wayne loved a good party." "Party, yes." "A wedding?" "No." "Back in the day that man used this place for mind-numbing, clothing-optional, weeklong orgies, okay?" "Do yöu know Dean Martin slept in that bathroom?" "He drank from the bidet and sang the Canadian national anthem in Spanish." " In Spanish." " Yeah, I remember Wayne telling us that." " Yeah." "Now that, that was a party." "Not this." "yöu know, people were taking bets on whether or not yöu'd even show up." " Miss my kid brother's wedding?" " That's what I said." "The whole asshole thing yöu do is to get insecure women to sleep with yöu." " Deep down, yöu're a big sweetheart." " Oh." "Look who's got me pegged." "And there's the sarcasm to cover up the accidental display of affection for Paul." "Hey." "I'm not covering anything up." "And I would also be more than happy to take off the rest of my clothes to prove it." "Then there's the cheap sexual innuendo." "All the old Connor Mead tricks are back." "Well, don't worry, yöur secret's safe with me." "I won't tell anyone yöu have feelings." "ALL:" "Hua!" "ALL:" "Hua!" "Oh, gosh." " Okay." "Yeah, it didn't work." "Still nervous." " Let's do another one." " Sandy, what about him?" " Dan Palumbo." "Married." "Oh." "Kids?" "What?" "They're not really married unless they have kids." "BOTH:" "Hua." " Heard, understood, acknowledged." " Sandy." "Save some liquor for the rest of the guests." " Bye, Mrs. Mead." " Clean my room, pledge." "Slow down." "Slow down." " Hey." " Here yöu are, sir." "CONNOR:" "If yöu can keep those coming all night." "Thank yöu." "And now we're off." " Excuse me, Mr. Mead?" " Mm-hm." "I just wanna tell yöu, I'm a huge fan of yöur work." " Thank yöu." " Gonna photograph yöur brother's wedding?" "No." "No, I'm not a wedding photographer." "JEFF:" "Right, but it's yöur brother." " Right." "He's not good at taking pictures of people with their clothes on." " Look who's funny." " It's not his specialty." "[PHONE RINGING]" " Ah." " Turn yöur phone off." "Connor Mead." "No, I would not like to cut my quota." "JENNY:" "Connor." " Look, just tell him to go screw himself." " Yeah, I said, tell him to go screw himself." " Hey." "CONNOR:" "Like when a man and a woman..." "I gotta go." "Gotta go." " Hi." "SANDRA:" "Oh, my God." " Sit down before yöu..." " Oh, my God." " What?" " What is this?" " Endive arugula salad. yöu did well..." " No, no, no." "The salad I ordered had figs." "Yeah, because fruit is the new crouton." "This is..." "This is a disaster." "My friends and family didn't come all the way over here to be met with some lackluster salad." "Where are the figs?" "Excuse me, where are the figs?" "Because I want some figs!" "Sweetie?" "Sweetie." "Hi." " Hi." "Hi." " Hi." "Hi." "Okay, look, yöu're right, okay?" "yöu did order figs." "But, uh, everyone seems to be loving the salad, right?" " Anybody missing figs?" " The dressing is a panoply of flavors." " It's really good salad." "JENNY:" "A lot to recommend, this salad." " Okay." "Sorry." " There she is." "All right, she's back." " I'm sorry, everyone." "I just..." "It's my wedding and..." "Well, I'm not usually a massive bitch." " She kind of is." " Ha, ha." "Stop it." "I just really want everything to start out perfectly." "I mean, I only plan on getting married four or five times, tops." "Oh, sweetie." "Oh, which reminds me, Connor." "Sandy and I wanted to know if yöu would make a toast tomorrow." "What?" " Yeah." "We'd like that." "PAUL:" "I know it's not really yöur thing but it is kind of a tradition for the best man to give a toast." " Could be super short." " Super long, whatever yöu want." " They kidding?" "Are yöu kidding?" " Yes." " No." " Yes." "No, yöu're the only family I got here, so I thought yöu could say something." "I don't think this is the best idea yöu've ever had." " I'm with Jenny." " yöu can scrounge up a cousin..." "No, no, no." "Come on, yöu're my brother." "yöu're funny, yöu're articulate, yöu're smart." " True, true and true." "Um, I'm flattered, but..." " lf yöu're not gonna take pictures it's the least yöu can do." " Who the hell is this guy?" " Who's that?" " Jeff." "I'm not toasting anyone tomorrow, okay?" "I can't toast this." " Come on." " This always happens." "All Scotch, no carbs." "Is there a bread basket?" "yöu know what, let's talk about something else." "So, um, when do yöu catch yöur flight?" "Paulie, yöu know where I come out on all this, buddy." "To me, marriage is an archaic and oppressive institution that should a been abolished years ago." "And love?" "It's magical comfort food for the weak and the uneducated." "Yeah, it makes yöu feel all warm and relevant but in the end, love leaves yöu weak, dependant and fat." " Yeah, that might not make the best toast." " Are yöu saying I'm fat?" " No." "Are yöu kidding?" "PAUL:" "No, no, no." "No, sweetie, sweetie, he's being funny, I think." "Better hold yöur next words real close, Paco." "Believe me, all right?" "For Paul's sake, I wish I could believe in all this crap." "I do." "And I also wish I could believe in the Easter bunny the missile shield, and strippers with a heart of gold, all right?" "But, unfortunately, I am condemned to see the world as it really is." "And love?" "Love is a myth." "Oh, good." "Because I was afraid yöu were gonna make a really long, cynical speech." "Truth hurts, baby." " Why don't yöu go?" " Yeah." "Why don't I do that?" "And I think I'll take my salad with me." "Mm." "Some figs would've been nice." "[SCOFFS]" "[CLEARS THRO AT]" "This is gonna be tougher than I thought." "[WAYNE LAUGHING] yöu got that right, kid." "Uncle Wayne?" "Uncle Wayne." " Uh..." " Ha, ha." "yöu're dead." "Players never die, Dutch." "They just try their luck at a different table." "Whoa, whoa." "Never touch a man when he's hanging a wire." "yöu kidding me?" "Oh, God." "Aqua Velva." "What are yöu...?" "What are yöu...?" "What are yöu...?" "What are yöu doing here?" "I'm here to warn yöu, kid." "Don't waste yöur life like I did." "What are yöu talking about?" "yöu had a great life, man." "yöu're a legend." "The money, the parties, the women, yöu..." "Listen, kid." "When the music stops and yöu're looking for yöur slacks none of that stuff matters worth a lick." "Well, there was this one party." "Um..." "New Year's '68, Philippines." "Me, Stevie McQueen, 17 Lufthansa stewardesses and a pile of blow the size of a toaster." "Now that was a good night." "Aw." "That sounds like a great night." "Oh, no, I've had a few laughs, I've chased some tail but, trust me, Dutch yöu don't wanna end up like me." " What are yöu talking about?" " No, no." "Save it for the sandman." "I've been watching yöu, and yöu are definitely turning out like me." "Frankly, I mean, who could blame yöu?" "But tonight..." "Tonight, things are gonna change." "Tonight yöu're gonna be visited by three ghosts." "yöu have got to be kidding me." "And yöu're gonna be forced to feel things that yöu haven't felt for a long time." "Things like feelings, for example." "Remember, no matter how much it hurts, it's all for yöur own good." "And the stuff that's not for yöur own good, it's for my entertainment." "Look, Uncle Wayne, yöu..." "Where'd he go?" "[CHUCKLES]" "All right, that didn't just happen." "Okay." "Uh-oh." "Melanie!" "Melanie?" "Where are yöu?" "I need yöu up here, all right?" "Melanie!" "Melanie?" "Where are yöu?" "I need yöu up here, all right?" "Look, yöu are my assistant and I need assistance." "Blue Label and give it wings, brother." "Call me." "yöu feel so real." "Well, they are, honey." "A hundred percent." "I'm not sure what yöu've heard about me, but I usually like to be bought a drink first." " yöu're not who I thought yöu were." " Vonda Volcom, mother of the bride." "Connor Mead, brother of the groom." "Please, sit, Vonda Volcom." " Thank yöu." " Yes, ma'am." " Champagne for the lady." "VONDA:" "Lovely." " So how long have yöu been divorced?" " I beg yöur pardon?" "Please." "I mean, yöu're ravishing." "No married woman yöur age keeps her form this fine." "[LAUGHING]" "I've been divorced eight years now." "Sarge and I aren't talking just yet." " It's juvenile and sad." " Honey, stop right there." "It's not yöur fault, okay?" "Marriage is a corrupt and hateful institution." "I covered all of this earlier at another table." "I wanna ask yöu something." "When did casual sex become a crime?" "[LAUGHING]" "CONNOR:" "I mean, nowadays being single means what, yöu've lost yöur way?" "That something is missing?" "Never mind that every night I swim in a lake of sex and they fall asleep in each others' arms, spooning." "Connor, spooning is nice." "Yeah, but not as nice as forking." " Am I right?" " Ha, ha." "It's true." "Hey, yöu know what the owner of this place once told me?" "He said, "Keep it light, Dutch." "Keep it light."" "I never understood why he called me Dutch but I believe his wisdom still holds." " That's nice." " I like that." " Mm." "Listen, darling, before we take this to the next level, are we off-limits?" "I mean, technically we're not family until tomorrow." "I am extremely flattered." "But, yes, we are definitely off-limits." "That's a shame." "I bet yöu know yöur way around a bedroom." "yöu always talk to women like this?" "Yes." "VONDA:" "Does it work?" " Yes." "[LAUGHING]" "Well, while I can't be of service to yöu, I am sure that she can." "Blonde, six o'clock?" "Blue dress, legs up to her chin?" "That's the one." "She's been eyeing yöu the whole time we've been talking." " It's been a real pleasure talking to yöu." " Likewise." "CONNOR:" "yöu are truly an inspiration." "SANDRA:" "Hi." "Excuse me." "I'm gonna steal her away just for a second." "Jenny, come with me." "I have to give yöu yöur maid-of-honor gift." "Remember that guy I was telling yöu about, Brad?" "No, no." "I told yöu, I do not want to be set up again." "I've been through it too many times." "Please don't make me." "That's Brad." "[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]" "Okay, but this is the last time." " How are my teeth?" " Clear." "Perfect." " Just try to play it cool." "Just no big deal." " Oh, yeah." "Yeah." "Brad." "This is Jenny." " Right." "The hot, single doctor." " Hi." "Paul and Sandra have been talking about yöu." "I know what car yöu drive, where yöu went to school, how many dogs yöu have." "That is right. yöu're both animal people." "What are the odds?" " So glad this isn't awkward." " Right." "Ahem." "Oh, I forgot to tell yöu." "Brad loves to run triathlons too." "I know, right?" " Do yöu wanna go anywhere else?" " Yeah, I thought yöu'd never ask." "BRAD:" "Bye." " yöu guys have a good time, yöu crazy kids." " Hey, Connor." " Hey." "How yöu been?" "Well, I'm at a wedding, I'm seeing ghosts in the john." " I've been better." " All right." "Well, what were yöu and Sandra's mom talking about so intensely?" "Casual sex." "So, what's yöur stance on casual sex, bridesmaid?" "On top." "I mean..." "I'm for it." "Well, speaking of which, I think I owe yöu an apology." "I've enjoyed the company of all the other bridesmaids except yöu." "I mean, yöu must feel terribly left out." "I do." "Well, I do hope that there's some way to rectify this injustice." "Well, yöu know what I always say is, "To think globally, act locally."" "[CHUCKLES]" "Listen, before I, uh, commence the launch code:" "Are yöu the one my brother slept with?" "Because I don't like to cross swords." "Wait, what?" "yöur brother slept with one of the bridesmaids?" "Okay, I guess it wasn't yöu." "Okay, from now on, I don't cross swords." "Listen, forget I even brought it up." "Hey, why don't yöu scamper up to my room, boil some water get the chicken claw out of my suitcase, do some light stretching and I will be up in 5?" "Chicken claw." "Okay." "CONNOR:" "Chicken claw." " Okay." "Suitcase." "Stretching." "Scamper." "Five minutes." "CONNOR:" "And that's how it's done, son." "That is how it's done." "Does it work on guys?" "Probably." " Excuse me, mind if we take these seats?" " No, please." " All right." " Oh, hello there, friend." " Hey." " Connor Mead, brother of the groom." " This is Brad." " Frye." "Nice to meet yöu." "Nice to meet yöu." "yöu must be the wedding sex they flew in for Jenny here." "And, uh, yöu must be the wedding sex they brought in for everyone else." "[LAUGHING]" "He's getting his little blush." "He's gotten that ever since he was a kid." "It's adorable." "Oh, honey, if I was jealous, why am I, at this very moment, heading upstairs to close out my hat trick of bridesmaids?" "Maybe yöu're terrified of being alone with yöur empty hollow soul for even a minute." " yöu got a live one here, Brad." " Yeah, look, maybe I'd better go." " No, Brad, yöu're staying." " I'll go." "Run along, Connor." "There's a bridesmaid waiting to be partially satisfied." "Absolutely." "Brad, it's a pleasure." "I hope yöu enjoy pillow fights, talking about yöur feelings and sharing massages with yöur clothes on." "Jenny." "Connor." "I know..." "Brad." "Guy probably irons his jeans." "Well, that's more like it." "And how is my little 6-foot, legs-to-her-chin blond-haired, blue-eyed, Happy Meal of a bridesmaid?" " Hi, Connor!" "Ha, ha." " Whoa!" " Have yöu missed me?" " Who are yöu?" "What, yöu don't...?" "yöu don't remember?" "[HUMMING POISON'S "NOTHING BUT A GOOD TIME"]" "Allison Vandermeersh?" "Connor Mead remembers me." "I can die now." "I'm just kidding." "I'm totally kidding." " What are yöu doing here?" " I'm like a ghost now." "Yeah, the ghost of girlfriends past, in fact." "[GASPS]" "Oh, it tickles a little bit." " There." " Connor?" "Really?" "yöu're gonna outrun a ghost?" "[SHOUTS]" "We could do this all day, dude." "All right, yöu're not real." "No, yöu can't be. yöu're... yöu're just a repressed memory, activated by all the booze and the trauma of Paulie getting married." "But yöu, yöu are not real." " All right." "Well, have a nice trip." " Whoa." "See yöu next fall." "Ha, ha." " Is that real enough for yöu, dude?" " Whoa, watch it." "Be cool." "All right, what are yöu gonna do to me?" "Oh, no, it's gonna be rad, okay?" "I am gonna take yöu back through all yöur past girlfriends then yöu and I can figure out how yöu got yöur head so far up yöur ass." "Ready, Freddie?" "[CONNOR SHOUTS]" "[LAUGHING]" "Ta-da!" "Ta-da!" "All right, what the hell's going on?" "We're still at yöur Uncle Wayne's, only now we're in 1982 which is, of course, the summer of yöur first relationship." "JENNY:" "Connor." "Oh." "Look at how cute yöu were." "I wanna squeeze yöu." " Yes!" "ALLISON:" "Oh." "And we knew who she was, of course." "CONNOR:" "Jenny Perotti." "I win, 1:26 for yöu, 1:20 for me." "I beat yöu by 6." "No way." "It's yöur birthday." "I let yöu win as yöur gift." "Uh-huh." "Then what's that?" " Can they see us?" "ALLISON:" "No, we're ghosts." "Get out." " Do yöu like it?" " Yeah, it's great." " yöu're the best, Jenny." " Really?" "What else do yöu think of me?" "Oh." "I don't know." " yöu see how yöung they start?" " Shh." "Watch." "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "Line it up, buddy." "Get in there." "This doesn't even look like yöu." "yöu look like a girl." "What, Connor?" "This is my favorite part." "I'm gonna keep it forever." " "I'm gonna keep it forever."" " I don't think I said that." "Did yöu edit this?" "I'm gonna keep it forever." "yöu sure that wasn't my brother?" "He always said fruity stuff like that." "I'm gonna keep it forever." "Forever." "Forever." "Okay, I get it." "I said it." "I'm gonna keep it forever." "Not as dumb as he looks, folks." " Go." " Wait." "This doesn't count." "I wasn't ready, cheater." "Mom and Dad." "ALLISON:" "This was the summer before their car accident." "[CHUCKLES]" "Look how happy they were." "PRIEST:" "The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want." "He maketh me..." "ALLISON:" "Uncle Wayne, Paul and Jenny were all yöu had left." "She knew yöu before yöu became yöu." "CONNOR:" "All right." "All right, what's next?" "[MEN WITHOUT HATS' "SAFETY DANCE" PLAYS ON SPEAKERS]" "Middle school?" "Really?" " yöu remember this, right?" " Pretty sure I intentionally blocked it out." "ALLISON:" "Whoo!" "Surely we don't have time for this." "ALLISON:" "As yöu and Jenny got older, yöu tried to make that super-tough transition from being best friends to maybe being boyfriend/girlfriend." " This dance is so lame." " Totally." "I don't know why, but there's something creepy about the white-glove thing." "Oh, yeah." "Nice move." "Who's "ooh-ing" who, Franklin Middle School?" "I'm gonna slow it down right now so guys, grab that special girl and head on out to the dance floor." "[EASY LISTENING MUSIC PLAYS ON SPEAKERS]" "Ask her to dance, man." "She's begging for it." "Ask her." " So..." " Jenny!" "Oh, my God, Jenny." "Neil just told Suzy that Pete Hastings wants to slow dance with yöu." "Pete Hastings is totally gorge." "No, Pete Hastings is now bald and doing Civil War reenactments on the weekends." "MARISSA:" "Yeah, and he's gonna wanna make out." "Yeah, and he's a ninth grader, so that means tongue." "Oh, my God, I can't believe how lucky yöu are." "Pete Hastings." "[BOTH SCREAM]" "Okay, I guess." "MARISSA  CLARISSA:" "Yes!" "Ha, ha." "Yeah, but..." "[SIGHS]" "That dude used to get boners in the gym shower." "Don't sweat it." "But at least he didn't choke." "Hey, I didn't choke, all right?" "I could've closed if I wanted to." "[ALLISON CHOKING]" "I was being a gentleman." "ALLISON:" "I can't breathe." "yöu know what?" "yöu didn't wanna hit that anyway, little man." "Hey, kid." "What's with the waterworks?" "Jenny." " Pregnant?" " No." "Crabs?" "No." "Took her to the coat room, found out she had a tenpin up her dress?" "Don't worry, it happens to all of us." "Wait, what?" "Nothing, nothing, nothing." "So, what happened?" "Jenny kissed Pete Hastings tonight." "Her first kiss." "Now everything is ruined." "I don't even know if we're gonna get married anymore." "Trust me, kid, yöu dodged a bullet." "yöu don't wanna be anybody's first kiss, or their last." "Say what yöu will, that man was a visionary." "yöu know he invented the word "MILF"?" "What am I gonna do?" "I've never felt this way before." "I feel like someone has punched me straight in the stomach and I feel like I'm gonna throw up." "God, I hate girls!" "[TIRES SQUEALING]" "That's sissy talk." "Never talk like that in the stabbing wagon." " Uncle Wayne, where are yöur seat belts?" " Again with the sissy talk." "He never wore seat belts." "Never." "Look, kid, I'm, uh, sorry I raised my voice at yöu." "Being a parent ain't exactly my chosen profession, yöu know?" "I mean, I can't teach yöu algebra, or camping, or even ethics." "But when it comes to dames I've got a gift." " Really?" "Because I will do anything yöu say." "I never wanna feel like this again." "Ever." "Okay, Dutch." "Never again." "Hang on." " Are we in a bar?" " Think of it like a classroom." "Hiya, Tommy." "Two Jacks." "Up, please." "Dutch, try that old saddle out for size." "Rule number one:" "Don't look at them." "Dames, they're like horses." "They spook easy." "Cheers, Dutch." "[LAUGHING]" "Rule number two:" "Never soil yöur wingman." " Sorry." " yöu're learning on yöur feet." "yöu know, if we were actually out, uh, chasing tail tonight I'd turn yöur gaffe into a funny." "Girls, they love to laugh." "Especially at men." "Makes them feel more powerful, which in turn makes them feel more comfortable." "Which in turn makes them prone to massive errors in judgment like, having sex with a complete stranger in the port authority bathroom." "Ha, ha." "But I'm not even supposed to talk to strangers." "No, that's good, that's good." "No talking is good." "No phone numbers, no last names." "Hey, no first names if yöu can swing it." "Will somebody please call Child Protective Services?" "Shh." "Quiet, the prophet speaks." "See, kid, an ugly broad, yöu might as well take her out behind the shed and put one behind the ear." "That dog won't hunt." "But any dude with a johnson, he's got a shot because cool comes from the inside." " God, I miss that man." "WAYNE:" "So here's a couple of tips." "When yöu first meet a girl, yöu give her two compliments, above the neck." "yöu tell her she's got nice lips, nice eyes, nice hair she's intelligent, her moral ethics, whatever crap comes to yöur mind." "Then, just when she begins to think that yöu're another, yöu know vanilla-nice guy that she can tool around with all night without getting naked yöu insult her." "Flip the power dynamic, and yöu let her know yöu're here to play." " Well, Jenny said she doesn't like games." " Forget about that broad." " I thought all this was to get her back." " That's why yöu gotta forget about her." "It's yöur feelings for her that are killing yöur game." "If there's one thing that yöu learn tonight, it's this:" "The power of a relationship lies with whoever cares less." "Amen to that, brother." "One day yöu're gonna wake up with some chick, spooning yöu know, thinking about love." "And at that moment, yöu have gotta get up." "Do not walk, don't get yöur shoes, run the hell out of there." "Because maybe not the next day or the next week but sometime in the future, yöu're gonna get crushed." "Again." " yöu don't wanna feel that way, do yöu?" " No." " No." " Yep." "Okay, so, uh, let's get down to brass tacks here." "Say I wanted to pick up on that ice-cold blond at eight o'clock." "Eight o'clock?" "How did yöu even see her?" "We'll deal with reflective surfaces at another time." "Should I, uh, get a handful a daisies, then go:" ""Hi, yöu wanna go to the disco with me?"" "Uh..." " No?" " No." "No, because I might as well say, "I'm a fag." "Let's be friends."" "So, what would be a smart play?" "Have some fun with it." "What do yöu think?" "I don't know." "I mean yöu could maybe talk to the girl next to her?" "yöu know, maybe make her feel jealous?" "Hand to God, kid, I never felt like yöu were my son until now." "Man, I don't know why we didn't have this conversation years ago, huh?" "Well, that's enough for one night." "Let's hit the bricks." " But what about the blond?" " No, no, no." " yöu gotta throw the small ones back." " Come on." " I mean, it just wouldn't be right." "CONNOR:" "Please?" "This elevator's going down." "Here we go." "Watch this move." "Watch this move." "I gotta say, I remember the ladies being a bit more glamorous." "[BOTH LAUGHING]" "And that, Dutch, is how it's done." "That's how it's done." "But yöu just struck out." "yöu know, just because she's not into that doesn't mean I'm not." "I've got a gift." "Oh, well, hello, darling." "What took yöu so long?" "Hi." "And yöu were never the same." "Come on." "Whoo!" "CONNOR:" "Vicky's basement." "Yeah, I'd recognize that bachy smell from anywhere." "ALLISON:" "Oh, I know, it smells good." "Oh, there's Jenny." "yöu didn't see her for two years while yöu learned at the hand of the master." "BO Y:" "Hey, Connor's here." "I, uh, got the new Poison." "It's Connor Mead." "CLARISSA:" "I heard his uncle homeschooled him in Vegas for the last two years." "MARISSA:" "Really?" "I heard it was Bangkok." "BO Y 1:" "Okay, it has been too long." "BO Y 2:" "Yeah!" "GIRL 1:" "Yeah!" "GIRL 2:" "All right!" " Nice move, buddy." " Yeah." "See, the worst part about yöur uncle's advice was it actually worked." "Thank God, Uncle Wayne." "MARISSA:" "He so doesn't wanna talk to yöu." "He looks like Duran Duran, both of them." "Look, it's me." "Oh, my God, it's me, it's me." "Ha, ha." "Oh, my God." "We dated for the next 39 minutes and it was the best two-thirds of an hour in my yöung life." "Look at how happy we were." "But, alas, our love was not meant to be." "I mean, yöu didn't get the girl that yöu really loved but yöu did get every other girl in high school." "Starting with me that very night." "yöu remember that, yöur first time?" " No, no, no." "I don't wanna see that." " Oh, no, don't worry, it didn't last very..." "It's over." "Connor Mead's first sex partner." "It's like, I feel..." "I feel like Neil Armstrong." "It's really the only thing I could equate yöu know, to what I did for yöu." "yöu know, him on the moon, me with yöu, it's like he was the first." "yöu know, like, Jenny was yöur first love but yöu had to grow 12 inches of hair before yöu saw her again." "Now, to my way of thinking, every woman is beautiful in some way." "I just have to figure out how." "I've gotta see it, I've gotta frame it I've gotta focus it." "[POPS]" "And then I shoot it." "Yeah, and it's immortalized." "WOMAN:" "Jenny, yöu want another Zima?" "JENNY:" "Oh, no, I'm good, thanks." "CONNOR:" "Jenny Perotti." "Connor Mead." " Hey." "CONNOR:" "Hey, it's me." " yöu look gorgeous, darling." " Oh." "Thank yöu, darling." "Uh, ladies, yöu're gonna have to excuse me for a moment." "I must buy a drink for the girl who blew me off for Pete Hastings in high school." " I didn't blow yöu off, yöu choked." "CONNOR:" "I was slow playing yöu." " yöu choked." " Excuse us for..." "Slow playing me?" "For what, 10 years?" "Please." "All right, maybe I choked." " So..." "Yeah." " Jenny Perotti." "What are yöu doing with all the women?" "I work for Herb Ritts." "yöu know, the famous photographer?" " yöu're a photographer?" "CONNOR:" "I am." " I gave yöu yöur first camera." "CONNOR: yöu sure did." " So, what are yöu...?" "What are yöu doing?" "JENNY:" "I'm a doctor." " Well, first-year resident, but..." " Yeah." " But Herb Ritts." "God, that's impressive." " Yeah, I'm his second shooter." "JENNY:" "That's great." " I bank north of 150K a year." " It's totally killer, I love my job." "Hector." " Yeah?" "[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]" "JENNY:" "I can't believe yöu just said that." " I can't believe I just said that either." "yöu told me yöur salary, and then spoke Spanish to the old white guy." " yöu're totally cheesy now." " Get out." "I am not." " yöu gonna try to get me in the sack now?" " I'm the same old Connor." "Damn right I'm gonna try and get yöu in the sack now." "Look at yöu, yöu are gorgeous." "What did yöu think?" "I was inviting yöu over here to have a drink just to see how yöu been?" " How have yöu been?" " Great." "Pete Hastings and I are still together, madly in love." " Damn it." "I knew it." " We live in a split-level in Jersey." "It's love." " That son of a bitch." " Lot of slow dancing, making out, tongue." "And every now and then I put on the red dress..." "CONNOR:" "No, pink." "Pink dress." "...let him cup my bottom." " The hot-pink dress." " What?" "That's the dress yöu were wearing when yöu were dancing with Pete instead of me." "WOMAN:" "Hey, Jen?" "We're leaving." "But we can wait..." "Um..." "Nope." "I'm going, thanks." " Whoa, just like that?" " Well, it was great seeing yöu." " Jenny." " Take care." " Hang on a second." " Come on." "yöu gotta at least give me yöur number." " No, I don't." " Yes, yöu do, doc." "I have a medical condition that I need to see yöu about, and by law yöu have to help me." " What's yöur medical condition?" " Broken heart." "[CHUCKLES]" "Come on." "Come on, we'll go out." "We'll have fun." "We'll have a little dinner, have a little sex." " Okay, okay, just sex." " How about just dinner?" "[GRO ANS]" "JENNY:" "Fine." "Suit yöurself." "He's all yöurs, girls." "All right, dinner's good." "Dinner's good." "Yeah." "I love dinner." "yöu know what?" "I'm pretty hungry right now." " What do yöu say?" " All right." "Well, on one condition." "We gotta..." "We gotta button yöu up." "yöu look like a gay pirate." " Am I gonna have to call a cab for yöu?" " No, no, I live here." "Oh, nice building." " Oh, yeah." "Thanks." " yöu could upgrade if yöu banked north of 150K a year..." " And fifty thousand dollars!" "...like I do!" "JENNY: yöu gotta learn to say that in Spanish for Hector." "Wow, that self-deprecating shtick really works." "I might have to put that back in my playbook." "I'm genuinely concerned that yöu might be missing the entire point of this." " Good night." "CONNOR:" "Well, hang on a second." "Let me help yöu carry yöur luggage up." " No." "We just met today, sort of." " What are yöu talking about?" " No." " Hey." "We've known each other our whole lives." "It's been too great a night to end it out here." "yöu've gotten really good at this." "But yöu cannot come up." "I don't want this to be a one-night thing." "So yöu've gotta woo me." "Why woo when we can just do?" " Ha, ha." " Huh?" "The wooing is actually not for my benefit." "Mm." "I can't believe she called me on my crap like that." "That is not at all how I remember it." "So, what's next?" "Well, now we're gonna watch a romantic montage of yöu and Jenny set to Cyndi Lauper's "Time After Time."" "[SHOUTING]" "Awake me when there's an action sequence, will yöu?" "Shh." "[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]" " Hello, ladies, how are yöu?" " Oh, good." "JENNY:" "Great." "Thank yöu so much." "Everything was great." "Do yöu have a dessert menu?" "What are yöu...?" "ALLISON:" "And then, after several weeks of wooing..." "Ah, here we go." "Whoo!" "CONNOR:" "Oh, yeah." "That was amazing." "I can't imagine why." "We only had 20 years of foreplay." "[CHUCKLES]" "CONNOR:" "Oh, yeah." " What are yöu doing?" " Uh, I gotta get home." "I got something early in the morning I gotta take care of." "Yeah, me too." "The alarm is already set." "Look, Jenny, I don't, uh, stay over, yöu know what I mean?" "Wait, Connor, listen." "There are two types of women in this world." "Women yöu shag and leave, and women yöu shag and snuggle." "Regrettably, I'm the shag-and-snuggle kind." "So yöu have 3 seconds to get back in this bed where yöu belong and where, deep down, yöu actually wanna be." "Or yöu can march out of my apartment and never call me again." "One two..." "Three." "Not as dumb as he looks, folks." "This is the moment yöu truly fell in love with Jenny." "yöu completely let her in." "And this is the moment that yöu realized yöu were spooning." "So yöu did what yöu do best." "[GRO ANS]" "CONNOR:" "All right, I don't wanna see this." "Of course not." "[PHONE RINGING]" "I called." "Good." "I don't remember calling." "Hello?" "Oh." "No, this is Dr. Perotti." "Okay." "Yup." "I'll be there in 15." "Okay, good." "And that was the last stop before yöu officially became Connor Mead." "Come on." "I'll buy yöu a drink." "After Jenny, yöur relationships grew shorter and shorter." "So short, in fact, that it would be easier to do this in bulk." " yöu remember Amy, the stewardess?" " Hey, Connor." "We had plane sex somewhere over Albany." "And Rochester." "And South Bend, Indiana." "Triple whammy." "BOTH [IN UNISON]:" "yöu slept with my sister." "I was Shawna back then." "A waitress at the Palm." " We had coatroom sex on my smoke break." " That was yöu?" "[IN CHINESE]" "WOMAN 1:" "We dated for two days." " For an hour." " For 48 seconds." "WOMAN 2:" "We had sex in yöur car." " On yöur car." "While I washed yöur car." " yöu never called me again." " Never called again." "Every time yöu slept with me, yöu called me Jenny." "CONNOR:" "Right." "How much more of this do I have?" "Um, a lot." "CONNOR:" "Oh, wow." "Okay, this is getting kind of weird." "WOMAN 3:" "We miss yöu, Connor." "WOMAN 4:" "Connor, stay with us." "Whoa, whoa, whoa!" "WOMAN 5:" "I need yöu, Connor." "CONNOR:" "Hey, back off." "CONNOR:" "Get off!" "WOMAN 6:" "I'm obsessed with yöu, Connor." "CONNOR:" "Get off!" "WOMAN 7:" "I love yöu, Connor!" " Get..." "Ow!" "[BREATHING HEAVILY]" "Nightmare." "Alcohol." "It's not complicated." "Our guests are represented by the Allies." "VOLCOM:" "Paul, yöu and yöur guests are Nazis." "I'll try not to read into that, sir." "VOLCOM:" "Blue frogmen are non-requisite support personnel." "Waiters, photographers, caterers, band members and so forth." "Oh, Donna, look." "yöu got a grenade launcher." "Oh, my God, I love grenade launchers." "Thank yöu." "Daddy, yöu're not showing off yöur seating chart, are yöu?" "VOLCOM:" "Oh, come on." "It's perfect." "DONNA:" "It's really impeccable." "DEENA:" "I didn't even get a machine gun." "Alcohol." "Alcohol." "Alcohol." "What's left in here?" "All right." "[GRO ANS]" "[GRO ANS]" "Oh." "Oh." "Uh..." "Not good." "Okay, not good." "Not good." "Where's the leg?" "Okay." "[GRO ANING]" "Something to hold yöu up." "Bottle." "Okay, that'll work." "Okay, sarge and Sandy." "Yeah, there yöu go." "And Paul and Mrs. Volcom." "VONDA:" "Try to keep up, son." " Then the rest of the wedding party joins in." " Hey." " All right." " Here we go." "Watch out for the flowers." " Would yöu like to dance?" " Oh, thank yöu but I'm just watching the..." " Jenny, dance." "Come on." "Oh, nice frame." "I see." "Where'd yöu learn to dance?" " I spent some time in Colombia." " What, are yöu a drug mule?" "No, Doctors Without Borders." " I know, he's perfect." " Shut up." "Hey!" "Shh, shh." "[BOTH LAUGHING]" " What else are yöu ridiculously good at?" " He's certified in shiatsu massage." "Is it weird that I know that?" " Yeah." " A little." "Ha, ha." "[CRASH THEN CONNOR SCREAMS]" "[SCREAMS]" "What's going...?" "Oh, God." "Oh, my God, the cake." "Did yöu see what happened?" "Oh, my God." "Okay, look, these things are not very well-engineered, all right?" "They're very rickety." " Here we go." " No!" "I can totally fix this." "If it's any consolation, the cake really wasn't very good." "yöu had a piece?" "Look, it splattered into my mouth upon impact, all right?" " It was unavoidable." " It is a wedding cake, yöu stupid bitch." "Not a rehearsal-dinner cake!" " I hate yöu!" " No, no, no, Sandy, Sandy." "Release." " Release." "Release." " Aah!" "Aah!" "VOLCOM:" "He's not worth it, sweetheart." "I'm fine." "I'm fine." "I am a lady." "I am a professional." "And I'm fine." "PAUL:" "Let's get out of here." " Okay, see if yöu can stabilize the bride." "I've got the cake and childcare." "Brad, some shiatsu for Sandra, please?" "Let's see some happy faces." "Big happy, big happy." "Oh, where do yöu think yöu're going?" " Breathe." "BRAD:" "Let me know if the pressure's okay." "There yöu go." " Thank yöu, Denice." " Thank yöu." " Okay." "Oh, that's good." " She's freaking out." " I know." " Connor is ruining the wedding." "He is also ruining Operation Sex For Every Bridesmaid." " I almost hooked up with Connor." " What?" "When he told me to go by his room, the door was locked." "I could hear him talking to himself." "Dude, that guy takes mind games to the next level." " Old school." " So who's next?" " I'm up." "Oh, wait." "Are yöu the one that slept with Paul?" " No." " Because he won't go there." " Ew." "What?" " That would be me." " Shut up." "Shut yöur face." " No. yöu never told us that." "Well, I'm paying the price." "Looks like I'm gonna have to get plastered and downgrade to one of Paul's desperate work friends." "I can transmit, page, pilot and sync channels now." " What channel are yöu on?" " Hey, guys, holster them." " Why?" " Women." "Oh." " Say it isn't so." " They're so weird." " Yeah, somebody is enjoying this a little bit." " Ha, ha." "Are yöu kidding me?" "Connor Mead, cleaning up his own mess." "I am loving it." "yöu know what?" "I'm sorry." "It's a cake." "There'll be a bakery open in town." "I'm not talking about this." "I'm talking about us. yöu know?" "How it played out." "yöu're actually apologizing, aren't yöu?" "Okay, we don't need to make a production out of it, now." "How are things looking?" "Spick-and-span?" "Any more spots?" "yöu know, it was probably, in some small way, partially my fault." " I was always attracted to assholes." " Thank yöu very much." "Well, yöu know what I mean, though." "Projects." "Guys that I thought I could fix." "Probably has something to do with my dad." " Probably." " After yöu left, I made a vow to myself to date only fully functional, well-adjusted men." " No more works-in-progress." "No dirtbags." " So basically, women." "Basically women." "So how strong of a vow is yöur no-dirtbags policy?" "I had it tattooed on my ass." " Can I see?" " No." " Wait, what are yöu doing?" " What?" " What?" " What am I doing?" "Wha...?" "Okay, look." "I know I dropped the ball before a bit, but I have changed, I swear." " No, yöu haven't." " No, I have." "Jenny, I'm seeing things in a whole different way tonight." "All right?" "I love yöu." "I think." "I mean, I always have." " yöu're the one I was supposed to be with." " Wait, Connor, stop it." "Just..." "I hear what yöu're saying, and I think right now yöu actually believe it." " Yeah." " But I know yöu." "Tomorrow morning, I'll wake up." "yöu won't be there." "Okay, but, Jenny, I really, really don't wanna be alone tonight, yöu know?" " Okay." "No, I get it." " Will yöu please stay with me?" "Seriously!" "Jenny, I've got ghosts in my bedroom!" "WOMAN:" "Hello, Connor." " Aah!" "Dude." "What does a girl have to do to get laid at this wedding?" "Yeah." "Four Seasons, please." " Come on, start." "Aah!" " Where do yöu think yöu're going?" "Oh, Mel." "God, yöu don't know how happy I am to see yöu." "Aah!" "Really, did yöu learn nothing from the last ghost?" " yöu're the ghost of girlfriends present?" " Mm-hm." " That makes no sense." " Oh, tell me about it." "But as sad as it is, I'm the only consistent woman in yöur life." "So here I am, just working on the weekend." "Again." "But we never..." "I mean, yöu..." " yöu're totally gay, right?" " What?" "yöu're not?" "No." "There was just one time in college." "I went to Barnard." " Okay." " I had no choice." "Hey, I'm sorry, Mel." "If I'd have known, I would of hit on yöu a lot sooner." "Aw." "Ha, ha." " Ow!" "What was that for?" " Because tonight, I'm the boss." "yöu ready?" "What are yöu doing?" "Aren't we gonna, like, fly off or something?" "It's the present, yöu idiot." "We're here already." "Mel." "PAUL:" "Okay, no." "That is not what I said." "WOMAN:" "I don't care." "He's a beautiful piece of a man." "Hey, look at how much fun they're having now that yöu're gone." " He's not shallow." " Shallow?" "Honey, he spends every Christmas alone at the Knicks game." "Yeah, he is all surface." "Yeah, but in his defense, it's a really hot surface." " Well, yeah." " Okay, he's not that bad." " Thank yöu, Paulie." "DEENA:" "Paul, he hit on yöur mother in law." " I've banged worse." " Thank yöu, Vonda." "ALL:" "Oh!" "yöu guys just don't know him like I do." "yöu don't." "yöu know, that guy practically raised me." "I was 2 when our parents died." "Connor was just 7." "yöu know, at an age when he's supposed to be a kid, he's busy taking care of one." "He taught me how to read." "He taught me how to ride a bike." "He beat the crap out of any kid who ever teased me." "yöu know, he always said, "Paulie, it's yöu and me against the world."" "My point is, I had the opportunity to be a nice kid and Connor didn't." "Now, I know he seems like a joke to yöu guys and trust me, yöu all have fair points, but that guy is the only family I've got." "And if there's one thing family does it is believe, against all odds, in the best of each other." "I love him." "And as long as I live, I'll believe he can change, because he's..." "He's my big brother." "I'm gonna call my brother." "It's been a while." "Of course, that doesn't mean anything to yöu." "Because love doesn't exist, right?" "It's just, "magical comfort food for the weak and uneducated"?" "Wow, that is as close as I will ever come to feeling something for Connor Mead." " Kudos." " I saw yöu chatting him up at the bar." "Well, I still wanna do him, but now I'll be scrumping a tragic figure." "Ooh, like when Denice hooked up with Gary Coleman at Lollapalooza." "I was drunk and he had such delicate hands." "Denice, yöu think that's bad?" "I mean, look at what Connor is doing to poor Jenny." "He has got that girl so twisted up into a pretzel she can't even appreciate that fine slice of wedding beefcake that Sandy has flown in for her." "Hua!" "Ha, ha." "Heard, understood, acknowledged?" "Jenny, she's just..." "Jenny." " Oh, Jesus." "Is she okay?" " What do yöu think?" "BRAD:" "Jenny?" "Oh, of course." "Sensitive Brad to the rescue." "Now, wait a second, are yöu actually trying to repair this wedding cake?" "Maybe." " I mean, a little." " I used to moonlight as a pastry chef." " Tell me this guy's gay." " He's not." "Trust me." " Really?" " No." "Not really." "[BOTH LAUGHING] yöu wanna talk about it?" "As yöur designated wedding sex, everything yöu say is privileged." "No, I just..." "I mean, it's been like a decade since Connor and I... yöu know." "But I see him again, and I am just right back to where I was before." "My attending in med school used to say that doctors never break up we just go into remission." "We're naturally drawn to the most hopeless patients." "The irredeemably screwed up." "The terminal cases." " We get the point, Brad." " It's just embarrassing, yöu know?" "I think yöu only really get over somebody when yöu find somebody else that yöu care about more." "All right, this is a nightmare." "I'm bringing them together." " This is a mess." "MELANIE:" "He's really cute too." "CONNOR:" "No, no, no." "No way." "Jenny doesn't go for guys like this." "No, clearly not." "Come on, let's go." "No, no, no." "Now hang on." "Let's see how this plays out." "Okay. yöu're the boss." "Really?" "NADJA:" "Such a shvantza." " What the hell was that fo...?" "I just can't believe he broke up with us on a conference call." "How did he fool all of us?" "Yeah, but the weirdest thing, really it seems like he wanted us to fall in love with him." "And once we did, or thought we did, he just disappeared." "How messed up is that?" "Come on, Kiki." "Don't cry." "At least Connor brought us all together, right?" "Hey, there we go, Charlece." "That's the winning attitude, huh?" "Way to look on the bright side." "yöu've already got new relationships, new friendships, right?" "Here we go." "It's so exciting to have people over." "Martini?" " Oh, this is yöur apartment?" "NADJA:" "Liquor, good." "Mel." "I've got apple, bubble gum or tandoori." "I know it sounds gross, but drink two of them and yöu won't be able to feel yöur face." "Cheers." "yöu brought them together?" "Come on." "Don't be sad, yöu whiny bitches." "Connor's not worth it." "He's like the Tin Man." "He was born without a heart." "And, ladies, know this:" "That wherever Connor lays his head tonight when the sun comes up in the morning, he will be all alone." "CHARLECE:" "Well, I'll drink to that." "NADJA:" "I feel much better." "So how yöu holding up, Dutch?" " Not too great." " Yeah." "Why do all these women hate me?" "yöu know, I don't hate them." "Woman love to be screwed, they just don't like to be screwed over." "I know, it's annoying." "Yeah." "I mean..." "Look, all right, maybe I've hurt a few women in my time." "A few women?" "Dutch, please." "Don't con a con man." " Oh, is this weather tricks?" " No tricks, Dutch." "These are all the lady tears that have been shed for yöu in yöur life." "And these..." "These are the tissues they used to dry those tears." "And these are the chocolates yöu sent." "[LAUGHING]" "Right. yöu don't send chocolates." "They go straight to the hips." "Right." "And these are all the condoms yöu used." "No." "No!" "No!" "No!" "[SCREAMING]" "DENICE:" "No, don't!" "SANDRA:" "Get off!" "Get off!" "DENICE:" "Don't!" "yöu're out of control!" "SANDRA:" "Shut up!" "Man, oh, man." "yöu guys are not gonna believe what just happened to me in my car." "Is this about the cake?" "This is not about the cake." "This is about the fact that Paul slept with Donna." "Information that yöu so kindly shared with Denice earlier tonight." "Come on." "All right, number one, that was years ago." "There seems to be some debate about the time line." "No, there is no debate." "We were going out." "We were together." " yöu cheated." " We had just met." "But yöu're right." "yöu're right." "That's not important." "What's important is that I hurt yöu." "Listen, baby... yöu know what?" "Don't "listen, baby" me." "yöu had sex with her and then yöu didn't even tell me." "I mean, what else don't I know about yöu?" "Nothing." "Nothing." "There is nothing else." "Okay, I am so sorry." "Sweetie, I never meant to hurt yöu." "Cool." "Right there." "Hey, he said it." "He's sorry." "He means it." "Case closed." ""Case closed." Because one apology makes everything all better, right, Connor?" "No, Jenny." "What makes it okay is that Paul still clearly loves her." "Oh, yöu're the expert on love." "yöu don't even believe in it." "If I can tell that yöu two love each other, then yöu must really love each other." "yöu know I do, honey." "I love yöu so much." "That girl's been acting like a mental patient for 12 hours." "He's still here." " Shut up." " The point is how does she even trust him anymore?" "Whoa, are yöu talking about my brother, or are yöu talking about me?" "Let's not forget, this all went down with yöur dear friend Donna over there." "A fact yöur little estrogen lynch mob seems to have forgotten." "Seriously, if yöu ruled out marrying anyone that yöur bridesmaids have slept with yöu're gonna have to go abroad to get a husband." "Go to hell, Connor." " Sandy..." " Paulie, come on..." " Connor, I want yöu to leave." "CONNOR: yöu better air these things out..." "Connor, leave!" "God, yöu have done nothing but make this weekend worse for everyone." " Sandy!" " Paulie!" "Hey, come on." "Hey, Paulie." "Hey, hey, man." "Look, I'm sorry." "They were right." "I never should have invited yöu." "yöu know, for years I keep trying to convince myself there's something redeemable in yöu." "I'm done." "There isn't." "CONNOR:" "I was just trying to get yöur back in there, okay?" " It's yöu and me against the world, right?" " yöu don't wanna be here." "And nobody wants yöu here." "So just go." "Jus..." "Please?" "Sandy!" "CONNOR:" "I know I've got one more ghost left on my contract but I've been asked to leave the premises!" "So if yöu want me, come on!" "Of course, I wouldn't mind seeing my future girlfriends." "Frankly, that was the ghost I was most looking forward to!" "But whatever!" "Whoa." "Are yöu my future girlfriend?" "Would yöu like to be?" "[CHURCH BELL CHIMING]" "Oh, hell, no." "I get married?" "["WEDDING MARCH" PLAYING ON ORGAN]" "Oh." "Okay, this could work." "As a matter of fact, this may be all right." "Brad?" "No." "No, no, no." "No, no, no." "And now, if anyone here knows any reason why these two should not be wed..." "CONNOR:" "I do." "PRIEST:" "let them speak now..." "No, Jenny, yöu're supposed to be with me." "She was always supposed to be with me." "No." "Don't do this." "This is wrong." "No." "No!" "I'm here." "I'm here." "Jenny." "I'm here." "No." "No!" "[CROWD APPLAUDING]" "Oh, Paulie." "No wedding ring." "Wait a minute." "He didn't get married?" "Why?" "Me?" "What did I do?" "yöu don't say much, do yöu?" "Looks like we're, uh, all here." "Let's begin." "Lord, we are gathered here today to lay to rest Connor Mead." "Connor Mead was a great man and a great friend of the Church." " There's only one person at my funeral?" "WAYNE:" "That's the way it works, Dutch." "Guys like us we don't get the big funeral." "I didn't expect big, Uncle Wayne, but this is ridiculous." "Yeah, I don't know how to soften this one for yöu, Dutch." "Uh..." "Nobody's really gonna miss yöu." "Before the burial, would yöu like to say a few words about the deceased?" "Connor Mead was a lot of things to a lot of people." "Not all of them good things but to me he was a great brother." "Guess it's just me against the world now." "No, it's not, Paulie." "No, it's not." "Look, it doesn't have to happen like this." " It's not gonna happen..." " Nothing yöu can do about it, Dutch." "yöu made yöur bed, now yöu gotta bang whatever crawls into it." "That's what I keep trying to tell yöu." "What can I say?" "Life, yöu know, it's like a quick cup of coffee." "yöu haven't got the guts to love someone with all yöu got then yöu end up drinking alone." " No." "No, Uncle Wayne..." " Sorry, kid." "Party's over." " Aah!" "WAYNE:" "Ladies, let's take it away." " Whoa." "No!" "No!" "I can change!" "I swear!" "No!" "No!" "I can change!" "I swear!" "I can change!" "Aah!" "[BREATHING HEAVILY]" "I'm alive." "I'm alive!" "yöu there, yöung man." "What day is it?" "Is it Christmas?" "No, it's Saturday, yöu moron." "That's the day of my brother's wedding." "All right, I haven't missed it, thank God." "Let's get ready for nuptials!" "Hey, hey, Paulie." "Hey." "Hey." " Did I miss the wedding?" " No. yöu got yöur wish." " Sandra called it off." " What?" " Why?" " Why do yöu think?" " The thing I let slip about Donna?" "PAUL:" "Yeah." "No, no, no. yöu can't split up." "yöu are meant to spend the rest of yöur lives together." " yöu're gonna be miserable without her." " yöu can be a real sarcastic prick." "I am not being sarcastic, okay?" "Where's Sandra?" "Sarge is taking her and the bridesmaids to the airport." "It's over." "No." "No, no, no." "Whoa." "Sandra!" "[ELVIS' "BURNING LO VE" PLAYING ON SPEAKERS]" "[TIRES SQUEALING]" "What are yöu doing?" "[SHOUTING]" "Whoo!" "Whoo!" "Aah!" "No seat belts!" "[SCREAMING]" "Sandra!" "Hey!" "Sandra, yöu're making a huge mistake!" "Was that Connor?" "Sandra!" "Come on." "Oh, shit." " Dad, stop!" " Aah!" "JENNY:" "Sarge, stop." "DEENA:" "Is that Connor?" " yöu could a killed us back there." "JENNY:" "Sandra, lock the door." "Get away." " Sandra." " Sarge, I need to talk to yöur daughter." " Over my dead body, Paco." "All right?" "Relax." "Oh, my God." " I'm sorry, sir." "I've come too far." "Sandra." " Sandra, stay in the car." "Did he just lock us...?" " Don't yöu touch me." " Now, yöu listen to me." "Okay, first off:" "I am sorry about destroying yöur wedding cake going to second base with yöur mother, knocking yöur dad unconscious right there and basically breaking up yöur wedding." "I'm sorry." "That being said, I am begging yöu begging yöu, don't run away, all right?" "yöu and Paul have something so rare, all right, so powerful." " Don't chicken out now." " Chicken out?" "He cheated." "Oh, get over it." "It was years ago, all right?" "With some slutty friend of yöurs." "Yeah, well, that's true." "A friend, incidentally, who yöu're not even mad at." "And yöu know why?" "Because yöu don't actually care." "yöu love Paul so much, yöu forgave him the second yöu heard." "And that's what scares yöu." "yöu have no idea how I feel." "yöu have no idea." "Yes, I do." "I've been in yöur shoes." "yöu know what?" "It scared the hell out of me too." "What if she hurt me?" "yöu know, what if she left me?" "What if she died?" "It'd have been the end of me." "So I cut it short, before she ever could." "And yöu know what?" "It was the biggest mistake I have ever made." "yöu're making that same mistake now and I'll be damned if I'm gonna sit by and watch." "yöu gotta risk love, Sandra." "Risk it." "I didn't." "Look at me." "I'm an empty, lonely, ghost of a man." "It doesn't mean that yöu're never gonna get hurt." "But I can guarantee yöu this:" "Any pain that yöu feel will never, ever compare to the regret that comes from walking away from love." "As someone who's felt a lot of both, trust me." "Pain beats regret every day of the week, and twice on Sunday." "Don't run away." "Don't do it." "I can't believe I'm saying this but, uh, I think yöu might be right." "So yöu wanna get married?" " I do." "CONNOR: yöu do?" " Yeah, I do." "CONNOR: yöu do?" "Yes." " Yes." "DEENA:" "Okay." "Whoo!" "SANDRA:" "Oh, baby." "Flowers, check." "Cake, check." "Dinner, check." " Photographer?" " Ooh, I know a pretty good photographer." "[CHUCKLES]" "PRIEST:" "Shall we begin?" "Ladies and gentlemen, we are here to witness the union of Sandra Marie Volcom and Paul Mead." "[MOUTHING] At them." "It was cold and dark." "We'd been taking fire for hours." "We took an incoming mortar hit." "I opened up his jacket and his insides fell out and I had his bloody guts in my hand." "They were warm and mushy and squishy." "And I pushed them right back into his body cavity and willed him to live with my tears." "And that is what true love is." "Hua!" "I've heard that story a hundred times." "[CLINKING GLASS]" "Um..." "I guess now's as good a time as any for me to make my best man's toast." "I've never given one of these before, so, uh, bear with me." "Someone once told me that the power in all relationships lies with whoever cares less." "And he was right." "But power isn't happiness." "And I think that maybe happiness comes from caring more about people, rather than less." "And nobody proves that better than my kid brother, Paulie." "Buddy, yöu give love to everyone and yöu require none in return." "From this day on, I wanna be more like yöu." "I want yöu to be proud of me again." "Yeah." "And here's to my new sister." "yöu know, Sandra, all I can really say all that I know for sure is that Mom and Dad they would've loved yöu." "And I'm glad yöu're part of our family." " Here's to Paul and Sandra, right here." " Yeah, to Paul and Sandra." "[CROWD APPLAUDING]" "[BAND PLAYING THE SUPREMES' "yöu CAN'T HURRY LO VE"]" "CONNOR:" "Look here." "Look right here." "Okay." "And how old are yöu?" "[LAUGHING]" "Who's in the middle?" "Look over here." "All right." "Go dance, drink eggnog." " Hey, sexy cameraman." " Hey, ladies." " Connor, we're really worried about yöu." " Need we remind yöu as man-whore in residence, yöu have certain duties to the single ladies here?" "That is very tempting, ladies, it is." " But, uh, I'm out." " No." "Ladies, thank yöu, but no thank yöu." "Hmm?" "Hey, hard-to-get only works if yöu eventually give in." "One more time." " Hey." "CONNOR:" "Good night." "JENNY:" "Hey." " Congratulations." "yöu did it." "yöu pulled off a great wedding." "We pulled off a great wedding." "Of course, if I wouldn't have broken it, it wouldn't have needed fixing." "JENNY:" "True, true, true." " Ha, ha." " Okay, I have to know." " Mm." "What happened to yöu last night?" "Because yesterday, yöu were just yöur usual handsome, awful self." "But then today, yöu became the guy I used to know." "The one I always thought, deep down, yöu actually were." "I honestly don't know what the hell happened to me last night." "I don't." "But I do know that I'm seeing things more clearly today than any time that I can remember." "Like the way I feel about yöu." "That's something that has never changed." "I wish I could believe yöu." "We've just been through this before so how do I know it's not just another line from the Mead-family playbook?" "Hmm." "yöu remember her?" "yöu kept it." "Yeah." "I've had that on me since the day I took it." "I can't believe it." "Give me one more chance." "I'll do better." "Whatever it takes." "The wooing, the spooning, I am all in." "Even massages with our clothes on?" "No." "No, that's where I draw the line." " Well?" " No massages with clothes on." "Not a chance." "I promise yöu this:" "When yöu wake up in the morning I'll be there." "Every time." "JENNY:" "What?" "What is it?" "Ha, ha." "Nothing." "[BAND PLAYING REO SPEEDWAGON'S "KEEP ON LO VING yöu"]" "I just recognize this song." "Oh, yeah." " May I have this dance?" " Finally." " Pete Hastings, eat yöur heart out." " Ha, ha." "That's how it's done, Dutch." "That's how it's done." "Well, work's over." "What do yöu say, doll?" "Let's get naked." "Mm." "Dry." "I love it." "yöu know, I'm interviewing for a new secretary." " Mm?" " How good is yöur dictation?" "yöu get it? "Dick-tation"?" "Please, I'm actually at this party." "BOTH:" "Hi." "[ALLISON SLURPING DRINK]" "Looks like it's just yöu and me, sweetie." "Oh, I love those scrunchies." "Ew, ha, ha." "I'm, like, 16." "We're ghosts, baby." "We're ageless." ""Hope You've Liked  Enjoyed The Movie"" "Copyright from ecOtOne™" "Okay, Connor Mead's out." "Who's next?" "Paul's desperate work friends?" " Yeah." "I'm back to yöu." " I think I'm loosening up." " Let's do this thing." " Yeah, all right." " Okay, I get the little one." " yöu can have him." " Okay." " I said, I get the little one." " Hey." " Hey." " yöu're so cute." " yöu look just like my sister." "Why would I...?" "Mind if I cut in?" "yöu know, it makes me happy." "yöu did a wonderful job with her, Von." "So did yöu, Mervis." "yöu repeat that name to anyone, yöu're a dead man." "[ALL CHEERING]" " Sandy, right here." " No, no." "[GASPS]" "Kako." "[IN JAPANESE]" "Yes." "Copyright from ecOtOne™" "CONNOR:" "What...?" "What did...?" "Copyright from ecOtOne™"