"Okay." "Nolan's here." "I want to screw with him." "Just... go with me." "Okay?" "Hey, guys!" "Hey, uh, Nolan, what day is it?" "It's Tuesday." "No, it's Thursday." "You've been asleep for three days." "Yeah, that happens sometimes." "Anyway, I got some good news!" "I was selected completely at random to get a free iPhone." " How random is that?" " Oh, my God, so random." "It's like, hello, random." "I fought for this country for nothing." "Oh, wait a minute." "A free iPhone?" "I want one." "Sorry, it's some sort of marketing promotion." "You have to have a special invitation to pick it up at this hotel." "I have one and you don't." "What are you gonna do about it?" "Take it back." "I'm not a good bully." "I'm more of a talk-behind-your-back- and-ruin-your-reputation kind of a guy." "What's to stop us from copying this thing and getting our own free phones?" " Ethics." " Oh, yeah, says the alcoholic who puts booze in his soda can." "That doesn't make me an alcoholic." "I put Captain Morgan in here." "That makes me... a pirate." "Get your foot off my table, Captain Morgan." "What took you so long?" "Sorry, I've been trying to convince the prison board to give me back my therapy group." "I've got five guys in there that really need my help." "But the new warden just shut us down." "Well, you must be really pissed." "Well, I was." "But I've been using the same anger tools that I teach you guys to stay calm, so I'm okay now." "Anybody want a walnut?" "No?" "Just me?" "Okay." "So, you're in control." "Maybe walnuts won't do it." "Coconut, anyone?" "Are you close enough with the warden to make a personal appeal?" "I mean, what's your relationship like?" "Our relationship?" "You know, you are a lot friendlier than the old warden." "I only had lunch with that guy." "Did you just want to have lunch?" "I may have jumped the gun here." "No, no, no, no." "You're perfect." "I just never expected a warden to be so incredibly sexual and amphibious." "You mean "ambidextrous."" "No, amphibious." "The thing you did in the bathtub was crazy." "I thought you were gonna drown for a second." "Yeah, I can be pretty crazy." "All I know is, if you put half the stuff you just did on video, you'd be a rich woman." "Yeah, well, it doesn't pay as well as you think." "Yeah... whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa." "Excuse me?" "This is between you and me." "But, when I was in college, a girlfriend and I made a homemade porn to make money for spring break." "Well, that's awesome." "Most kids just get a summer job at Quiznos." "Our relationship was totally professional." "But now she wants to run for state attorney general and she thinks that therapy for felons makes her look soft on crime." "Anyway, I feel awful." "I'm not looking forward to telling theses prisoners that their group is gone." "I don't know." "You're pretty good with women, Charlie." "Maybe if you get her into bed she'll change her mind." "And by bed, I mean, you know, sex." "Yeah, I have a real strong feeling that's not gonna work." "Hey, guys." "How's everybody doing today?" "I'm good, esé." "I got no problem." "You got a problem with that?" "'Cause if you do, we got problem." "Why are you talking like that?" "Uh, word on the street is, when you come to prison, you have to pick a gang." "I'm not much for Aryan tattoos, so, uh..." "I'm pledging the Latin Kings." "The Latin Kings?" "Dude, you're so white, the Latin Kings will chop you up and snort you." "Well, that's not true." "I'll have you know" "I grew up with a Puerto Rican nanny." "I know how those people act, how they think, how they talk." "Oh, really?" "And how do those people talk?" "Like that." "I'd consider rolling your Rs more." "I'm going to r-r-roll your head down the stairs, esé." "See, that was perfect." "It's probably a good time to change the subject." "Guys, I got some very upsetting news." "The warden has decided to shut down this group." "So this is probably our last session together." " No, Charlie!" "She can't do that!" " But I just got here." "Damn, Charlie!" "This is my biggest disappointment since my mother turned state's evidence against me." "I know you're upset, Ernesto, but you've made a lot of progress here and I couldn't be more proud." "Be proud of me, Charlie." "I made progress, too." "I used to be so dramatic and needy." "Be proud of me!" " You've done well, too." " Oh, that's not enough!" "You've done magnificently well." "Ooh." "Magnificent." "As a psychologist, I have a lot of sympathy for the fact that you're losing this group, Charles." " Well, thank you." " But since testified against me in court and got me thrown into this Pepto-Bismol-colored hell hole..." "I'm really enjoying this." "And I have a feeling that your Mexican fraternity brothers are going to enjoy you, too." "Good luck." "Why is the warden doing this to us, Charlie?" "She wants to run for state attorney general and she's a politician." "They're all liars." "I don't know how far she thinks she's gonna get anyway." "I mean, she was in a porn." "I guess she figures shutting down the group is gonna make her look tough on crime and she'll get more votes." "Uh, back up." "Back up, back up, back up, back up." "Back up!" "Charlie, did you just say the warden did a porn?" "How do you know?" "Okay, she told me that she made one a long time ago." "I didn't mean to say that, but what the hell," "I got nothing to lose now anyway." "Charlie, I just got a text." "The warden wants to see you." "Damn, that bitch has good hearing." "Tell her I'll be right there." "Charlie is in aqua caliente." "It's agua." "I'm gonna cut you so bad." "Please don't." " You wanted to see me?" " Yes, please sit down." "Maybe I don't want to sit down." "Fine." "Stand there." "I think I'll have a seat." "Look, I know you're feeling angry and betrayed, which is why I called you in here." "Because you wanted to see what angry and betrayed looks like?" "No, because I want to give you your group back." "Oh!" "Well, then let me show you what surprised looks like." "Really?" "!" "As long as you never repeat my little porn story that slipped out the other night." "Oh, yeah." "Sure." "What's that expression?" "That's what, "Duh, why would I ever do that?" looks like." "You have no idea what a relief that is." "Some people would get angry and vindictive and try to screw the other person." "Well, I do hold myself to a very high standard." "Now, if you'll excuse me, I should tell my group the good news." "And some other stuff." "Yes, I'd like to call and emergency session with my group in 15 minutes." "All right, thanks." "Hey, listen, I'm just curious, have you heard any gossip about anybody here at the prison lately?" "Me?" "What are they saying about me?" "No, those are not implants." "They're my real calves!" "Just get my group down." "Yay!" "My fun little rumor took off." "That was you?" "Then you owe me a favor." "Do you mind if I tell everybody in the prison that you did a porn?" "A porn?" "Why would you say that?" "Look, the warden gave me back my group and I let it slip that she did a porn." "So now I've got to tell everybody I was really talking about you." "Don't even think about it." "Well, don't worry." "It'll be something simple, tasteful." "Like, you doing a couple of guys by a pool." "That is not tasteful." "It's a really nice pool." "It's got a waterfall." "You are repulsive." "And you are not allowed to tell anybody I did that." "Besides, if I were gonna do an adult film, it would be in Renaissance Italy and I would be assistant to Michelangelo, who just got in a big fight with the Pope..." "Congratulations." "You just made porn dull." "All right, I'm just gonna be straight with the guys and ask them not to talk." "They don't want to lose the group, either." "I still can't believe the warden would do something like that." "Hey, we all make mistakes." "Hers was telling me she did a porn." "I'm a little surprised you're here, Ed." "You don't even like smartphones." "It's free." "I'd stand in line for cholera if it's free." "You're such a hypocrite." "You're always bitching about how people are too dependent on their smartphones, but that's not true." "Here, look." "I just used mine for..." "Oh, my God!" "It's gone!" "My phone's gone!" "I'm dead!" "I'm dead!" "I'm dead!" "Oh, my God!" "Oh, here it is." "Hey, guys, we're screwed." "Someone up there just said they only sent out 50 invitations and that means there are only 50 free phones." " So what?" " Well, I counted everyone in line and Nolan is number 50." "Whoo!" "I made it!" "Hey, uh, Nolan, if you're 50, can I cut in front of you so that I can be 49 and then you can be 50?" "Sure." "Whoo!" "I'm still in it!" "So, Lacey, could Ed and I move in front of you and be number 47 and 48?" "Fine." "Oh, wait a second!" "Oh, yeah, that still works." "Oh, this is great!" "We're all gonna get phones." "Hey, wait a second." "You're number 50." "That means you're the only one that gets a phone." "Oh, my God, you're right." "I feel terrible." "As soon as I get my free phone I'll text you all an apology." "Patrick, give Nolan his spot back." "You're being a jerk." " Thank you, Lacey." " You're welcome." "Uh, Nolan, for being so nice to you," " can I be 49 again?" " Of course!" "Thanks for coming in on such short notice, guys." "I appreciate that, Charlie." "Most people don't acknowledge our busy schedules." "I just want to let everyone know that our therapy group is back in business." "Ooh!" "That is wonderful!" "That is wonderful!" "There's just one more thing." "I may have said something today that you guys can't tell anybody." " What was it, Charlie?" " That thing about the warden doing a porn." "Oh, that's right!" "I completely forgot." "The warden, she did a porn!" "Thanks for reminding us." "I knew there was something I wanted to tell people." "No, guys, guys, guys." "Seriously." "If you tell anyone, the warden will know it was me and she'll take our group away again." "Don't worry, Charlie." "Your secret's safe with us." "Yeah, the third worst thing in prison you can be is a snitch, after child molester and cop killer." "Killer." "Well, thanks, guys." "See you Thursday." "Uh, you know, Charlie, even though you've ruined my life," "I want you to know your secret is safe with me, too." " What's the catch?" " There is no catch." "You just have to do something for me or I'll tell the warden everything." "That's a catch." "That's the definition of a catch." "I'm about to blackmail you, Charlie." "Do you really want to quibble?" " What do you want?" " Three simple things..." "A bag of wild almonds from Uzbekistan, a candle in the shape of Winston Churchill, and six and one half ounces of authentic Japanese squid ink." "If it only comes in eight ounces, get that." "I don't want to be unreasonable." "What are you gonna do, eat almonds and write a haiku by the light of Winston Churchill's melting face?" "Maybe." "You're just picking impossible to find crap to screw with me." "Oh, please!" "If I really wanted to screw with you," "I'd make you do this in 24 hours." "Oh, wait!" "You have 24 hours." "Good afternoon, ma'am." "Is this the line for the free phone?" "Or the Miss America pageant?" "Let me guess, you're Miss Alaska." "I'll ask ya how old you are, but I know I'll hear 30." "Jesus Christ." "You mind if I stand here in line with you?" "Get the hell out of here!" "Nice to meet you." "You're 70 if you're a day." "Any luck?" "They're about to start handing out the phones." "No, nobody wants to give up their spot." "We'll never move up in this line by tricking these people." "We have to panic them." "I'll yell fire and then you all scream." "That's stupid." "Nobody's gonna believe you." "I'll start a fire and then you guys scream." "That's much better." "Here's my lighter." "Shame on you." "You know when you do bad things, bad things happen to you." " Are you Nolan Johnson?" " Yes, I am." "Okay, that's 50!" "Everyone, this is a sting!" "Anyone with a flier, you're under arrest for unpaid parking tickets." "Boy, this free phone better be worth it." "Let's go." " Oh, yes." "Can I help you?" " Yeah, hi." "I'm the guy that called about the Winston Churchill candle." "Oh, yes." "It's right here." "Oh, great." "How much is it?" "Oh, it's not for sale." "But when I called, you told me that you had one." "I do have one." "It's right here." "But you never asked if it was for sale." "Why would I call about the candle if I didn't want to buy it?" "People get lonely." "They call because they want to talk to other people." "I don't know." "I don't judge." "How about this Pippa Middleton oven mitt?" " I need that candle!" " You haven't even looked at it." "She's bending over." "Okay." "I'll take it." "But you don't understand," "I've got the nuts." "I've got the ink." "All I need now is Winston Churchill!" "That's some drug-induced scavenger hunt you're on." "This is a priceless family heirloom" "My father carved this on the beach at Normandy." "It's got a sticker on it that says "Made in China."" "It does?" "Oh, well, maybe he carved it on a beach in China." "Either way, there was a war on." "Look, your father didn't make this." " How much you want for it?" " 500." " I'll give you 100." " Seriously?" "I'll take it." "Why didn't you just ask for that in the first place?" "People get lonely." "They want to talk to other people." "So, tell me, where are you from?" "Sorry, dude, I gotta go." "Good-bye." "So, Nolan, we felt really bad about you getting arrested, so we got you something." "Oh, my God!" "A new phone?" "Aw, thank you so much!" "You even had it engraved?" ""Help!" "My name is Chang Foo." "I'm 14 years old." "I'm forced to make phones all day in dark factory with no toilet."" "Oh, my God, you guys." "That is so beautiful." "Thanks." "I wrote that." "Sorry I'm late, guys." "It's been a crazy morning." "You lose your car keys under a pile of strippers again?" "It's not a pile of strippers." "The correct term is a gaggle of strippers." "But that's not the crazy part." "I've been running all over town picking up Uzbeki wild almonds," "Japanese squid ink, and a candle shaped like Winston Churchill." "I thought it was a pride of strippers." "No, it's a pride of hookers, a gaggle of strippers, and a swarm of MILFs." "What do you need all that stuff for, Charlie?" "Are you escaping from prison?" "What?" "Why would you say that?" "Well, you could use the cyanide from the wild almonds to enter a coma-like trance to get into the prison hospital." "The wax from the candle is to mold a key to get out of your room." "Then all you have to do is waltz out the front door in your prison chaplain uniform which you sewed from your bed sheets and dyed black with the squid ink." "Oh, my God!" "That's exactly what he's doing." "How did you put that together?" "Put what together?" "I gotta get that stuff back from him." "All right, you guys stay here and have Nolan explain the world economy to you." "We have vastly underestimated that man." "See?" "He's in a fake coma." "He's halfway through his plan to escape." "How did you put it together that he was gonna use the almonds for cyanide and a Winston Churchill candle to mold a key?" "Oh, Jordan, you're so naive." "How could you not put that together?" "All right, Randy, wake up." "It's over." "You're going back to your cell." "Randy, wake up!" "Game's over, you son of a bitch!" "Wake up!" "Randy!" "What the hell are you doing?" "!" " That man's in a coma." " No, he's not." "He's hiding a key he made out of Winston Churchill in his ass." "Orderly!" "He's gonna wake up any second." "Watch." "Stop it!" "You're shaking a man who was almost stabbed to death by his cellmate over some almonds." "No he wasn't." "It's a trick." "You'll have to excuse him." "We think he's having an adverse reaction to his calf implants." "No, no, no." "It's true." "If he'd been stabbed, he'd be covered in stab wounds." "Wow." "That's a lot of stab wounds." "Got it." "Thank you." "Good news." "Just found out they're transferring Dr. Randy to a hospital in a different prison." "And by the way, I was right." "They found a wax key in his underwear." "Apparently it took Churchill all night to tunnel out." "Well, it's like my grandpappy used to say..." "Really?" "!" "You have a countryism for this?" "Yes, I do." "If a possum has your brownies, don't ask if he's sleeping or dead, just get your brownies back and walk away." "Your grandpappy drank a lot." "Oh, yeah." "He saw possums and brownies everywhere." "Charlie!" "You never told me Ernesto's middle name is Sylvia." "These are private files, Cleo." "You're not supposed to be looking at 'em." "But I didn't know that either." "That's really weird." "Excuse me, Goodson." " Can I talk to you in private for a minute?" " Sure." "I just wanted to say, I'm sorry about your patient, Dr. Randy." "Thank you." "It was a shock to all of us." "Although I did hear you shook and slapped him repeatedly." "I did." "Yes, I did." "I was just so grief-stricken." "Not sure if you know, but "grief-stricken"" "comes from the German, "greifstracken,"" "which means to grieve violently." "Well, look, it's been a bit of a rough week for both of us." "But I thought maybe we could start over." "Would you be interested in... what's the German word for it..." ""resumen-der-boinken"?" "Ja." "Das ist gut." "Sorry to interrupt." "Someone from the infirmary just dropped this off." "I guess Dr. Randy woke up from his coma, wrote this note, and then slipped back into unconsciousness." ""The warden wasn't born." What does that mean?" ""The warden wasn't born." That doesn't make any sense." "No, no, no, no!" "That says "The warden was in porn."" "He lost a lot of blood." "His P's upside-down." "Ahem." "No, it says "The warden wasn't born."" "Cleo, go back to filing." " You bastard!" " No, no, no, no!" "It says "Jordan."" ""Jordan was in porn."" "Right, Jordan?" "Tell her about the time you had sex with the Pope."