"Hey, Willie." "Will I be in your way if I use the computer?" "Yeah." "I'm looking for a birthday present for Kate." "In a garage?" "What does she want, a hedge trimmer?" "No, I've joined the new computer shopping service." "This way I can shop for just about anything I want without ever leaving my house." "Isn't that great?" "Yeah, right." "Why go outside?" "You'll only end up with a little color." "Isn't there anybody else you could bother?" "We voted." "You were the people's choice." "What are you gonna spring for?" "Oh, I can't decide between the high-heeled pumps and the cubic zirconia." "Well, she does sleep with you." " Go for the pumps." " It's settled." " Now, let me play "Donkey Kong."" " No, no, no." "KATE:" "Willie!" "Act natural." " Willie" " Good afternoon, Mrs. Tanner." "And might I add, that's a lovely dress you're wearing." "How am I doing?" "Do you know anything about the Salvation Army..." "Aha, what a stroke of luck." "Now we'll have room for that new big-screen TV we've had our eyes on." "Nice try, ALF." " I'll talk to them." " Get a receipt." "Let's go shopping." "I need a new pair of lederhosen." "So hard to find junior sizes." "Which button is it?" "Hello." "What's this?" ""Welcome to the Home Investor's Network."" "Hey, think I'm gonna like this game." "Well, what do you guys think?" "Well, Dad, maybe they looked better on the monitor." "[DOOR OPENING]" "Oh, there she is." "Don't say anything." "Remember, it's a surprise." "LYNN:" "Hi, Mom." "BRIAN:" "Hi." "How about, "Hi, Mom." "You shouldn't be carrying those heavy things, that's our job"?" "You read our minds." "Ooh." "Here, sweetie." "[KATE GRUNTS]" " Thank you, honey." " Sure." "Kate, do you know anything about this letter?" ""Dear Mr. Tanner." "Enclosed please find confirmation numbers for stocks purchased this week."" "Willie, I thought we were gonna consult each other before doing anything stupid." "Well, it's got to be a mistake." "Probably a 3-foot furry mistake." "Sometimes I think we should just sign everything over to him and slip away in the middle of the night." ""Congratulations." "Your account shows you are up by $5000"?" "Yes!" "Yes!" ""Care to make another buy?"" "Are you kidding?" "Does Willard Scott wear a toup?" " ALF." " Oh, hi, Willie." "You're just in time to see me launch a hostile takeover." "Whatever that is." "Hey, I was right in the middle of my game." "This is not a game." "You've tapped into my stock-market service." "You're investing my money." "I'm playing with real money?" " What a great game." " It's not a game." "You know, you can beat a point to death." "I'm not gonna let you put my house, my family, my whole life into jeopardy." "Now, tell me, just tell me how much?" "Five thousand dollars..." "[GRUNTS] ...ahead." "We're players, Willie." "Players." "[SIGHS]" "I knew you'd be happy." "But you could've lost everything, ALF." "Let's just take this as an unexpected windfall and stop." "But I finally found a way to make an honest living." "Now, granted, you'd be taking all the risks but that's the beauty of it." "Come on, Willie." "Cut me loose." "Let me fly." "Let my people go." "Okay, ALF." "You can continue to play the market." "All right." "Way to hang, Willie boy." "But only on paper." "That means no money." "A pencil, a calculator, a visor if you want." " Did I mention no money?" " In passing." "Hey, no wonder he works for the government." "Mom, I woke up with a craving for French toast and sausage." "Or oatmeal, whichever's easiest for you." "Does ALF know that breakfast is ready?" "ALF!" "Breakfast is ready!" "Thank you." "Oh, it's still here." "You know, I never thought I'd miss the sound of ALF Hoovering down his food." " Ha, ha." " What's bothering him, anyway?" "He's been glum, glum, glum since Daddy took his keyboard away." "I heard that." "I thought it was high time we establish who, in fact, is in charge in this house." "And I'm pretty sure it's me." "Uh, us." "No particular order." "Nice save, Dad." " Good morning." "LYNN:" "Morning, ALF." "BRIAN:" "Hi, ALF." " I have an apology to make." "Willie, I've had a bad attitude since you took me off the computer and I'd like to say I'm sorry." "Well, thank you, ALF." " It's big of you to admit that." " Thanks." "There's more, isn't there?" "Oh, yes." "Lots more." "Oh, no." "Willie, my friend, since you took back control of the family fortune I've made us $11,000 on paper." "Eleven thousand dollars?" "On paper." "Here's your share." "Knock yourself out." "Just out of curiosity, ALF what system do you use to pick these stocks?" "I select companies whose initials spell out Melmacian holidays." "That's not a system." "It's just dumb luck." "Willie, Willie, Willie, Willie, Willie." "Think about it." "Now, there are people who jump onboard and there are people who are left on the dock." "And then there are those who are always late getting to the airport." "What are you talking about?" "I don't know." "I sort of got lost there myself." "I do remember it having a travel theme." " Kate?" " Uh-huh." "You remember how we said we'd consult each other before we did anything stupid?" "You want ALF to invest our money?" "That is the stupidest thing that I could think of at the moment." "He'd only be working with the $5000 that he's already made, Kate." " You can't be serious." " But" " I know it sounds crazy but every stock he's picked has made money on paper." "What if he has some sort of incredible gift some unexplainable instinct?" "What if he's some kind of an alien savant?" "Willie, what's this really all about?" "[SIGHS]" "I" " I don't know." "Maybe I'd just like to be able to get you nice things." "Oh, I don't need nice things." "I mean, I have several nice things." "Wouldn't we breathe easier if we could pay off a few of the mortgages on this house?" "Honey, if that's what you wanna do, then I'm behind you." "But don't let him go into our savings because that would be really stupid and then we'd have to talk again." "Thanks." "Thanks." "I, uh" " I just wanna go and tell ALF." "I...." "I don't know." "Maybe he's still up." "I guess you heard." "Inadvertently." " Willie?" " Yeah, yeah." "If you must pace, can you do it in one direction?" "Call me when you get to Fresno." "Well, I...." "I've never been up $15,000 on the stock market before." "Try 20." "It's just the beginning, Willie." "Good." "Let's sell." " I thought you trusted me." " I do." "I do." "What am I saying?" "You know, we've been at this for only two days." "At this rate, do you realize where you'll be at the end of the year?" "Yeah." "I'll be in a clinic with the pulse rate of a hummingbird." "Yes, but hooked up to the best machines money can buy." "Listen, ALF." "I've been doing some research and I say we should invest in a hundred shares of ATT." "I say Blech." "But, ALF, ATT is an American institution." "So were the Village People, but where are they now?" "Trust me." "It's Blech." "Boston Latrine Chemicals." "You're acting like you've never heard of it." "I haven't." "Well, Blech was an important holiday on Melmac." " Need I say more?" " Yes." "Lots." "I say we invest the whole 20 Gs." " You've got three minutes to decide." " What?" "[HUMMING "FINAL JEOPARDY" THEME]" "WILLIE:" "Stop it." "Stop it." "ALF, stop." "I just don't think that we should put all our eggs into one basket." "Will you keep your holidays out of this?" "Come on, Willie." "Not only are they the right initials but it's outdoor-concert season." "Latrines are gonna go sky high." "I still say we diversify and buy into several companies." "Now, look, it says right here" "Willie." "Willie, honey, baby, sweetheart." "I can't make you a rich man if you keep second-guessing every senseless choice I make." "All right." "Blech it is." "I like your thinking." "Now go get me a fresh pot of coffee." "Happy Birthday, Mom." " Oh, Lynnie, Lynnie." "It is beautiful." "WILLIE:" "Nice." "I know." " Can I borrow it tonight?" " Sure." "Here." "Now, hurry up." "The Tokyo market just opened." "Time is yen." " Here, Mom." "Open mine next." "KATE:" "Okay." "Let's see." "Oh, oh, honey." "[CHUCKLES]" "Honey, that is so sweet." " I made it myself." " No kidding." "Next." " Happy birthday, honey." " Thanks, sweetie." " Oh, good." "Here come the pumps." " [WHISPERS] Stop it." "The pumps, Mr. Smarty are on their way back to Taiwan." "Oh, Willie, a crystal vase?" "Hand-etched." "From France." "Really heavy." "Oh, I noticed." "I love it, honey." "Thank you." " Ha, ha." "KATE:" "Aw...." "Oh, come on." "There's an alien present." "Oh, ALF, you've seen us kiss before." "No, I mean there's an alien present." "That means open the present from the aliens." " Okay." "LYNN:" "Ooh!" "Now, let's see here." "My goodness." "Oh, ALF." "Oh, it's so generous." "And so unlike you." "Heh." " Look, Lynnie." " Oh, wow." "So you went for the cubic zirconia?" "Ha!" "Would a cubic zirconia do this?" "[WILLIE GASPS]" "Hey, man, like, I'm really sorry." "Oh." "Well, I guess one side has to face the wall anyway." "Do you mean these are real diamonds?" "What else would you expect from Tiffany's?" "Tiffany's?" "ALF, is this going to show up on the 6:00 news?" "No, no, it's legit." "Look, here's the receipt." "Yep, that's my credit-card number, all right." "I'll pay you back out of my earnings." "ALF, this is entirely too much money." "Are you gonna throw a hissy fit every time I squander a few thousand bucks?" "Now, you listen to me." "That is exactly the sort of thinking that's going to lose us that 20,000 just like that." "Ten." "Pass the cake." "Come again?" "Oh, didn't I tell you?" "We lost half our money." "Hey, Willie, honey, babe." "It's just a temporary setback." "Don't you "Willie, honey, babe" me." "I'll tell you what I'm gonna do." "We are getting out of the stock market right now." "I'm gonna take that money." "I'm gonna put it in the bank." "A bank?" "Kate, talk some sense into the man." "I'm talking swimming pools, movie stars black gold, Texas tea." " No, he's right, ALF." " Sure, Kate." "Take this pin and stab me in the back with it." "Dad, isn't it only fair that ALF's entitled to share in some of the profit?" "You were always my favorite." "You should listen to her more." "She's in college now." " [MOUTHS] Yep." " Granted, it's a party school." "Okay, ALF." "Here's what I'll do." "I'll give you $2500." "And can I keep investing?" " It's your money, ALF." " Yeah?" "What if I were to run it up to, say, oh, $4 million?" "I'll just have to live with that, every day for the rest of my life." "And I'll be there to remind you." "[SIGHS]" "All right, all right." "Everything's fine." "Everything's fine." "I'm gonna be okay." "Just a setback." "One huge, spiraling setback." " Hi, ALF." " Brian will you calm down?" "And tell your twin to do the same." "But I'm all alone." " Are you okay?" " Everything's fine." "I'm just having problems with my motor skills." "I've been drinking coffee, but it's not helping." "Come over here." "I need your help." "So, what do you want me to do?" "I want you to check my portfolio balance." "Just push the enter button stand back, and whatever happens, stay calm." "Please blink." "There's no time." "Uh, say, Bri what, uh" " What happens to all that money Grandma Dorothy keeps giving you?" " Where is it?" " It's in the bank." "But I can't get it without her being with me." "Well, no problem." "We'll go to the bank together." "I look like her." "It won't work, ALF." "You're right." "She has more facial hair." "New idea:" "How about you getting me your father's automatic-teller card and his code number?" " I can't do that." " Sure you can." "Just start out by talking about the weather." "Then you tell him what a great dancer he is." "Then you casually work it into the conversation." "ALF, I've never seen you this desperate." "Desperate?" "I'll show you desperate." "Get me that code number!" " I want that code" " ALF!" "Why were you shaking Brian?" "If you must know I was helping him with his Katharine Hepburn impression." "Now, repeat after me, Brian:" "[AS KATHARINE HEPBURN] You're my knight in shining armor." "My knight in shining armor." "Bah!" "[SIGHS]" " See ALF?" " Yes." "He was teaching our son Katharine Hepburn impressions." "And you were worried." "What are you all looking at?" "Haven't you ever seen a pot of coffee before?" "ALF, put the coffeepot down." "Oh, you'd all like that, wouldn't you?" "[LAUGHING]" "Don't worry, Joe." "We're in this together." "When I say run, run." "ALF, why don't you--?" "Why don't you go upstairs and rest?" "For a week." "We'll, uh, entertain your little friend." "His name's Joe." "Say, Willie." "Hey, handsome." "Great weather we're having, huh?" "I understand you're quite a dancer." "What was your bank code number again?" " ALF" " You're right, I'll guess." "It'll be more fun." " One, one, one, one." " ALF." " One, one, one, two." " ALF." " One, one, one, three." " ALF, stop." "That's it?" "Good." "I thought we were gonna be here all night." "Give me your wallet." "I'll be back in half an hour." "No wallet." "You lost your share of the money, didn't you?" "Willie, I need to make one more buy." "I know I can turn this around." " I just need a grand." " No." "A hundred." "One lousy hundred stinking dollars." "ALF, you're foaming." "You don't understand." "I can make us all rich." "Rich, do you hear me?" "I'm talking Donald Trump rich." "Malcolm Forbes rich." "Buddy Rich." "I need money." "Money!" "Ha!" " It's over, ALF." " No." " No, no, no." " Yes." " No" " Dad, do something." " No, no" " Get ahold of yourself." " No, no, no." " ALF, ALF, ALF." "I'm done." "Sorry." "I didn't wanna have to do that." "No, don't worry about it." "You know what happened, don't you?" "I have a feeling you're gonna tell me." "Some people are blinded by the thirst for money and it makes them lose their values and go crazy and do things they shouldn't do." "That explains Ghostbusters Il." " Are you feeling better?" " Yeah." "Your father's quite a guy." "It took a big man to rough up a defenseless 3-foot alien." "Welcome back, ALF." "We were worried about you." "Thanks." "Hey, come on, you big lug." "Well, I guess I'm still a tad keyed up." "So if you guys need me, I'll be out re-tarring the driveway." "Give me back my wallet." "Must have lost my touch." " Willie?" " Yeah, ALF." "Listen, I've been wondering how come you came out of this with $7500 and I came out with bupkus?" "But I'm not challenging you." "Well, ALF, I had a feeling you were going to not challenge me on this." "So, uh, I'll tell you what if what you've cost me over the years turns out to be less than what you've made me then I'm gonna give you the difference." "I've made a list." "Ha, what a maroon." "Go ahead." "Punch the key." "Punch it." "Go ahead, punch it." "Punch the key." "You can't count when I crashed into your garage." "I didn't even know you then." "It counts, ALF." "Well, you can't count the first kitchen fire." "Is it my fault you have outlets that won't support 30 appliances?" "It's your fault." "It counts." "Bail money?" "Why do I get charged with your bail money?" "You got me arrested." "Oh, yeah, right." "[LAUGHING]" "Oh!" "Oh, these are all great memories." "How come we don't have pictures of this stuff?" "You broke my camera." "Oh, right." "Why don't you just put it on my tab?" "It's there." "Right above one scratched crystal vase." "You're so retentive." "[ENGLISH" " US" " SDH]"