"Hi, Alan." "I came by to see how your visit to the eye doctor went last week." "It went great." "Watch." "A, E, I, O, U can leave now." "Now, that's interesting, because I went to the eye doctor today, and he said that you canceled your appointment." "He said you haven't been there in over a year." "He's not very discrete for a guy who's sleeping with his receptionist." "Alan, you have to get your eyes checked." "My eyes are fine." "Look, the door." "This is so typical of you." "Always putting things off." "Do you think I enjoy having to nag you all the time?" "Do you?" "Do you?" "I think we both know the answer to that." " Hi, David." " Oh, hey, mom." "Oh, David's here?" "David?" "David, are... is that you?" "Get my cane, will you, boy?" "Mock me if you will." "I thought I was." "You're impossible." "Bye, honey." "Bye, sweetie." "I was talking to David." "David?" "David's here?" "Where... where... where's David?" "Okay, so what was all that about?" "Your mom decided to come by and show me why I'm so happy to be separated." "Well, that was..." "that was very nice of her." "Oh, you know what?" "She left her purse." "I'll just call her and tell her to come back and get it." "Aha, we'll take it to her." "Once you get Godzilla out of Tokyo, you don't invite her back." "Retired at 35 1x08" " The Tell-Tale Cart Original air date March 09, 2011" "What's wrong with that eye doctor, popping off to your mom?" "I can see fine." "Yeah, dad, keep it on the path." "I'm on the path." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Dad..." "Dad..." "Dad!" "Dad!" "Dad, look out!" "Aah!" "[tires screech]" "Hey!" "You hit me, you mother [bleep] son of [bleep]!" "Sounds like your mom." "Yeah, it is mom." "Dad, you clipped mom with the cart!" "No, I didn't." "You did." "Your mom is fine." "Remember, when she asks, at the time of the incident, you were driving." "Dad, I'm not gonna take the blame for... [loudly] It's a shame you hit your mom!" "So... mrs." "Robbins is gonna be okay." "There's no fractures, just a small-bone bruise on her hip." "Sorry, David, you'll have to hit her with something a lot bigger next time to get rid of this one." "[laughter]" "Good one, doc!" "Ohh, I'm gonna go get her." "[laughing] Okay." "Awesome." "Good." "Dad, seriously, why are you making me take the blame?" "This is your mother." "If she knows the truth, she'll bludgeon me with it until the sun runs out of fuel." "Okay, dad, I think you may be overreacting a little bit." "Ooh, slow down, Mario Andretti!" "There's David's victim!" "How you feeling, mom?" "Like I been hit by a golf cart." "David, is there something you want to say to your mother?" "[groans]" "I'm sorry, mom." "Sorry for what, David?" "Be specific." "Oh, Alan, I'm sure David feels bad enough." "So, doc, what's the prognosis?" "Well, she should stay off her feet as much as possible, and she certainly can't take the stairs." "Take care." "[softly] Good luck." "Wow, you know, um, well, mom lives on the third floor, and... and if she can't take the stairs, then I think it's obvious she should stay with us." "With us?" "Who's "us"?" "Gosh, dad, I really don't see any other options." "Have we examined other options?" "Mom..." "I insist you stay with us." "Again with the "us."" "You're a good boy, David, taking responsibility for your actions." "Thank you." "I accept." "Oh, great, I'll go get the car." "Sweetie, I never thought I'd say this, but let your father drive." "Yeah, klutz-o, key me." " Ohh." " Okay, mom." "Let's get you over to the couch and get you comfortable." "Thank you, honey." "Alan, I need my pillows." "Coming, dear." "Thanks for stopping at my place to get a few things." "A few things?" "My army unit traveled lighter." "Well, looks like David has everything under control." "I..." "I'll see you guys later." "Where are you going?" "My weekly gin game." "They hate it when I'm late." "See you later." "Whoa, whoa, whoa, dad." "Dad, no, no, no." "No, no, no, you can't just leave mom here." "I would never leave her alone." "She has you." "Well, actually, I have some plans to meet my friends at the bar." "So cancel them." "You are the one who hit her with the cart." "That's exactly why he should go and have fun." "He's been traumatized." "Alan, give him some money for beer." "Yeah, dad." "Give me some beer money." "Oh, I was way more traumatized than that." "Thanks, dad." "So you got this?" "Yeah." "Who needs fun?" "Oh, Alan, you can miss your gin game." "All you guys ever do is sit around and complain about your wives." "No, some of us have children too." "Yeah, okay." "So you guys are good?" "Go enjoy, David." "I have very limited needs, which your father is used to barely fulfilling." "I'll be fine." "Okay, mom." "I won't be late." "Feel better." "Hey, you have a good one, dad." "[clicks tongue]" "Okay, Elaine." "Here's your tea and honey, and cookies, and sugar cubes, and stirring straw." "Is there anything else?" "Because I'm not sure there are any more items left in the house." "I'm good for now." "Uh... you were on the couch before, and now you're in my chair." "Oh, yes, my foot was more comfortable here, so I moved." "As long as you're more comfortable." "Ahh." "You know something?" "I never sit on this couch, and now I know why." "Hello, chair." "Alan, if you want the chair back, just ask." "No, no." "No, no, no." "One of us should be comfortable." "Thank you for giving up your gin game" " to take care of me." " You're welcome." "And thank you for not smoking." "No problem." "And the chair." "Don't forget the chair." "You know, I could play gin with you." "Oh, that's okay." "Come on." "Play with me." "Pretend I'm one of the boys." "I can do it." "I'll even complain about my wife." "[gravelly voice] I'm Lou." "My wife scared the hell out of me last night." "She offered to have sex with me!" "Wow, have you been at one of these games?" "[gravelly voice] What are you, my wife?" "Less talk and more dealing!" "Hey, man." "Did you park in the lot, or on top of some old lady?" "I told you, my dad is the one who hit her." "So your mom's staying with you, which means her place is empty, right?" "Yeah." "And Jessica is right over there." "I say you take her there and make use of those rails around the bathtub." "I don't know, man, it's just..." "it's tough, because the last time I saw Jessica, she came over to my house, and I had a girl in my bedroom." "Wait, that girl you told me about was real?" "Uh, hey, Jessica." "Hi, David." "Where's your little girlfriend?" "[forced laugh]" "I deserve that." "But, listen, you've gotta know that my mom set me up on that date, and then my dad brought you over..." "Look, David, it's fine." "I was dating someone too." "It just seems like something always gets in the way with us." "No, no, wait." "Listen, listen." "So how 'bout this?" "How 'bout this?" "How 'bout I make you dinner tomorrow night?" "You know?" "I mean..." "I mean, it'll just be us." "There'll be no obstacles." "What do you say?" "I would just be me and you?" " Yeah." " Are you sure?" "Yeah." "Yeah." "I'll make you my homemade lasagna." "We'll have some red wine." "I'll even make tiramisu for dessert." "Now, that would be impressive." "Great, so I'll see you tomorrow night?" "Okay, I'll..." "I'll see you then." "Lookin' forward to it." "Dude, that was awesome." "I didn't know you know how to cook." "Yeah, I don't." "Why did you say that?" "I was wondering that when it came out of my mouth." "So what are you gonna do?" "Easy, easy." "I'll just..." "I'll go to a restaurant, I'll order something," "I'll toss it on a plate..." "she'll never know the difference." "She's a girl." "She'll know." "The meal needs to be homemade, and the good news is, I'm an awesome cook." "Really?" "You cook?" "Yeah, my parents taught me." "They wanted me to be self-reliant... at eight." "[both laughing]" "Do Jerry now." "Do your impression of Jerry." "He's hilarious." "[funny voice] My wife Bernice," "I often think of our honeymoon." "If I had killed her then," "I'd be out of jail by now!" "[laughing]" "That's Jerry." "12 years of wedded bliss." "He's been married 40." "Gin." "Man, you're tough." "So I'm a little tired." "Shall we call it a night?" "Already?" "Well, there's always tomorrow." "Can you help me to my bedroom?" "Oh..." "What am I saying?" "It's not my bedroom anymore." "Yeah." "True." "Uh..." "I..." "I..." "I guess I can sleep in the guest room." "B... but that's David's room." "He should sleep in his bed." "He's still traumatized from hitting me with the cart." "Yeah, well, I'm..." "I..." "I guess I'll..." "I'll take the couch." "That's very sweet of you." "That's me." "Sweet." "Night." "Night." "Hello, couch." "Alan..." "Just come and sleep in the bed." "Yeah?" "Yeah." "Hey, dad, what's going on?" "Where's mom?" "The couch doesn't even look like it's been slept on." "If you must know," "I slept in the bedroom with your mother." "What?" "Nothing happened." "We just ladled." "You mean spooned?" "Ladled, spooned." "All I know is, we didn't fork." "Wow, okay." "So, uh, what does this mean?" "I mean, are you guys getting back together?" "Who knows?" "It was one night." "Your mom and I had a great time." "And all because you hit her with a golf cart." "Don't you think it might be time to tell mom the truth?" "I knew that college education was gonna come back to haunt me." "Anyway, make yourself scarce tonight." "Your mom and I don't need any reminders of our troubled past." "Again, lovely thought." "Don't worry about it, though." "I, uh, I won't be around tonight." "I'm, uh, seeing Jessica." "Hey, you finally have a date with Jessica." "Good for you!" "I manned up and asked her out." "Brandon's gonna cook her dinner, and I'm gonna take credit for it." "In other words, you lie." "Oh, snap!" "I went to college too!" "Hey, quit eating all the food." "Hey, are you almost done?" "'cause I need you to get out of here before Jessica shows up." "[doorbell rings]" "Whoa, too late." "She's early." "How could she be this early?" "I..." "[doorbell rings]" "Hi." "Um..." "Can... can I help you?" "I'm Martha." "Brandon invited me." "What?" "Hey, Martha, what up?" "'sup?" "[laughing] [laughing] 'sup?" "'sup?" "Excuse me just a second." "[laughing]" "What's she doing here?" "[doorbell rings] [sighs] [chuckling]" "Okay, you're not Jessica either." "We're here for the party." "Um, party?" "Martha invited us." "Hey, guys!" "Come on in!" "No, no." "No, no, no." "No, no, no, no!" "Hey, you know what would be so not good to have on my date with Jessica?" " A bunch of chicks." " Oh, bingo." "Hey, Martha." "Hey, I think we got our signals crossed." "I thought it was just gonna be you and I hanging out tonight." "About that, um," "I didn't want you to get the wrong idea." "That we're more than just friends?" "We're not." "Hey, cool." "Friends we are." "Just friends." "Got it." "So you wanna make out later?" "Maybe." "It depends how drunk I get." "[doorbell rings]" "Oh, man!" "[sighs]" "Hi!" "Mr. Lutz." "How are you?" "Are we making too much noise?" "Oh, no, no, no, no." "That's all right." "It's just my kid is visiting, and he'd really rather spend time with people his own age." "Uh, do you mind if he joins you?" "Well, you know, I'd love to, mr." "Lutz..." "He'd love to." "Hey, Jackie!" "He said it's okay!" "Hey, dude." "Whoa, who are the skirts?" "You think they put out?" "Dinner's almost ready, Elaine." "I am very impressed with all these meals you're making." "Where did you learn to set a table like that?" "From Martha Stewart's book on fine living." "Sometimes I read it when I'm on the can." "Alan... why don't we have some wine before dinner?" "You read my mind." "Oh..." "Oh, we're out." "I could have sworn we had one bottle left." "It's okay, we'll just have to do without." "I'll run around the corner and borrow a bottle from Richard." "You gonna be all right for just a minute?" "My hip is still sore, but I'll manage." "Don't be long." "Did you just wink at me?" "Yes, I did." "Nice." "Okay." "[knock on door]" "Who is it?" "Carl from security!" "Door's open." "Hi, mrs." "Robbins." "Carl, if this is about what happened at pool aerobics," "I assure you, I didn't start the splash fight." "I just finished it." "I have the security report from the golf cart accident." "You can leave it with me." "Must be a bummer to be hit by a golf cart driven by your own husband." "My own husband?" "Ooh." "You didn't know that." "Carl, something tells me, tonight, there'll be another incident requiring a security report." "Hey, great party." "Look, don't tell my old man, but I am baked." "You're smoking pot?" "No, I'm eating it." "[doorbell rings]" "Hey!" "What's up?" "Uh, is David here?" "Who's David?" "I got it." "Thank you so much." "Hey, Jessica!" "Come on in!" "Um..." "Who... who are all these people?" "Um..." "Well, that's Natalie." "Uh, Martha." "You know Brandon." "That kid right there, that's Chucky." "See, I thought we were having dinner alone." "I didn't realize it was gonna be a party." "No, what party?" "This isn't a party." "Party!" "All:" "Whoo!" "Yi yi yi!" "Got the vino!" "Oh, good!" "Uh, Alan, could you do one little thing for me?" "Uh, it would be my pleasure." "Carl from security dropped off some papers, and I don't have my glasses, so could you just read them to me out loud?" "I'd be happy to." "Uh, "on March 23rd at 10:00 P.M.,"" ""a golf cart driving northbound on Casablanca Way"" ""struck a woman..." uh... and they lived happily ever after." "Drinky?" "Keep reading!" "Ah." "Uh..." ""The golf cart was being driven by..."" "[mumbles gibberish]" "What?" "Uh..." ""The golf cart was being driven..."" "by me." "Let..." "let me explain." "Alan, how could you?" "The worst part isn't hitting me or even lying." "But letting your own son take the blame?" "And to think you carried on this charade for days, lying and deceiving!" "[crying] I'm going home." "Elaine!" "What were you saying about lying and deceiving?" "Oh, my gosh." "Look at that." "I'm all better!" "David, I think I'm just gonna go." "No, no, no." "Please, please, Jessica." "Two seconds, two seconds." "I promise I will take care of this... two seconds." "Dude, I will give you 100 bucks if you get everybody out of here right now." "I'll give you 200 if you get 'em to stay, plus a brownie." "And the bid is to you." "Going once..." "No, no, Jessica!" "Please don't go!" "Please." "I..." "I actually thought you invited me tonight to have a real date." "But I did invite you to have a real date." "David, look, it's just... not meant to be." "No, it is meant to be." "And I'm tired of stupid, pointless, irrelevant stuff keeping me from doing this." "Well, it's about time." "David, what is going on here?" "Elaine, wait!" "Man, you're fast." "Yeah, I sort of had an accidental party here." "I'm sorry, mom." "You know, I was just really just so stressed because I hit you with the cart." "David, you can stop the charade." "I know the truth." "And I'm proud of you for trying to protect your father." "Wait, he lies, and it's noble, and I tell him to lie, and I'm the bad guy?" "That's how it works, buster." "Would you just listen to me, Elaine?" "I lied to keep you close to me." "My hip felt better yesterday, but I stayed because I was having a good time." "It's been a long while since you've taken care of me." "Hey, it's been a while since you've needed taking care of." "I'm sorry it was based on a lie." "Oh, Alan." "It's okay." "Now do you promise you'll go get your eyes checked?" "David will take you." "David's here?" "Where's David?" "David?" "David!"