"[SIGHS]" "I don't know what to get your mother for our anniversary." "After 22 years of marriage what can I possibly get her that would really make her happy?" "You could always drop ALF off in the desert." "No." "Wouldn't wanna waste that on anything less than our 25th." "[GROANS]" " Morning, ALF." " Yeah, yeah." "What's the matter?" "Didn't you sleep well?" "Is it that noticeable?" "I tried using Kate's cover stick but I guess, unlike her, I was too sparing with it." "Morning." "ALF, uh, what are these orange hairs doing in my cover stick?" "Well, if they're brown at the roots, they're yours." "What is his problem?" "I'll tell you what my problem is, as if you care." "I missed the Melmacian rite of passage." "Does it involve a small goat dressed in Kate's best pumps?" "Because that's still out of the question." "It so happens that, on Melmac, when a chap turns 233 he has six months to become a minister or spend the rest of his life as an outcast." "ALF, your planet exploded." "How much more of an outcast can you possibly be?" "Oh, you're right, Lynn." "I didn't see it that way." "Now let's see if you can help me with my feelings of disloyalty to my god." " ALF, your god" " Barry." "Barry." "understands that you're outside his jurisdiction." "Thank you, Sister Kate." "Well, I'm afraid if you don't help me become a minister in two weeks I'll be a lost, wandering soul for eternity." "I guess that would affect the dynamics of the whole family, then, wouldn't it?" "Well, let's just say, Barry help us all." "[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]" "And we all say...." "WILLIE  LYNN  KATE:" "Amen." "Second verse, same as the first." "ALF." "Barry says be seated." "We have come together on this solemn occasion to test whether or not Gordon Shumway" "That's me." "I'm doing double-duty here." "is ready to teach the words of His Holiness, Barry." "[SINGING] Oh, Barry, Barry, bo-Barry" "Banana-fana-fo-farry" "Fee-fi-mo-marry" "Barry" "ALF." "Okay, let's do "ALF."" "[SINGING] ALF, ALF, bo-balf Banana" "This is really silly." "What kind of religion is this, anyway?" "It's Reformed." "What does it look like?" "Now, the congregation will now ask me four questions from the holy scroll." "If I answer three out of the four right, I become a minister." "If I miss more than one, well, there's always the open bar." "Brian, you're first." "Question number one:" ""What's the kindest thing you can do for someone else?"" "Burp downwind." "He's right." "It says, "He who burps downwind can party with me anytime."" "Well, that's one right." "Three to go." " Lynn?" " Okay." "Ahem." "Question number two:" ""What one gesture will prove your undying love for another?"" "A Mazda Miata." " Well, how could Barry" " Ah, ah, ah." "have known that?" "They just came out last year." "Barry knows." "Actually, it says, "Any red convertible."" "He's right." "Well, we've come to the halfway point." "Brian?" ""When does track lighting go with Berber carpet?"" "Oh." "Let's see." "When you stick with stripes and solids and stay away from patterns." "We worried about Barry, but as long as he was happy." "That's wrong." "You're wrong, ALF." "It says, "Stick with patterns." "Stay away from solids." "They're cold, and they don't create a welcome environment."" "Ugh." "Religion is so subjective." "This is your last chance, so take advantage of the full 20 seconds." ""You've been dancing all night and you've noticed your partner's dress shields have given out." "You like her, but others are starting to point." "Do you tell her?"" "I remember this one." "The answer is no." "Instead you dance the first slow dance then reach in and change them without her knowing." "He's right." "Congratulations, ALF." "You're a minister." "You know, I'm sorry if I implied all this was frivolous." "Yes!" "Yes!" "Oh, I've never won anything before in my life." "Come on, everybody, stand and follow my lead for a big Barry bye-bye." "Ah, ah, ah." "I didn't say, "Barry said stand."" "Oh." "Now we're gonna have to do this all over again." " What?" " From the beginning." "Start with the questions." "Brian?" "[ALF SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]" "Amen" "Hi, ALF." "How was your first day as a minister?" "Well, come, my flock." "It's time for me to hear your sins and earn a couple of bucks on the side." "Oh, gee, I have the periodic table of elements to memorize." "Otherwise I'd find something else." "Heatheness." "[SCOTTISH ACCENT] Brian, wee lad, sit on the stool." "Ease your burden of conscience, and lighten your soul." "There must be something you're ashamed of." "Sorry." "No, there isn't." "[IN NORMAL VOICE] Oh, come on, of course there is." "I know guilt when I see it." "Now, sit down, fork over 2 bucks, and dish." "All I've got is a quarter." "You're in luck." "It's happy hour." "Now, I want you to confess the things you've done that you don't want anyone to know about." "But if I tell you, you'll know." "Then I'll close the shutters and I won't know who you are." "But you already know who I am." "Take your quarter, go to your room." "Get out of here." "Thanks." "This was fun." "There but for the grace of Barry go I." "Kate, say, "Yeah!"" "Hi, ALF." "Barry is speaking through me now." "I feel good, just like I knew I would." "I feel fine, it must be divine." "Walk to me, Kate." "Walk to me." "Show me you can walk." "I'll show you something else in a minute if you don't stop it." "Aah!" "Aggression." "What has made this tired, haggard woman so bitter?" "What a life she must have had." "Everybody, everybody, please, stand." "Pray for her." "[SINGING] Amazing grace" "How sweet thou art" "To save a wretch like Kate" "Shut up!" "Oh, I forgive you." "See how easy that was?" "Now, come on, Kate." "It's only 2 bucks." "I would rather confess my sins to Jimmy Swaggart." "You'd have to go to a cheap motel for that." "This family's gonna burn." "Uh-oh." "I hear the pitter-patter of pious paws." "I bet you can't say that six times fast." "[KNOCKING ON DOOR]" "ALF:" "Are you being fruitful and multiplying?" "None of your business." "ALF:" "Oh, good." "Then I can come in." "Don't mind if I do." "You're too kind." "Say, did it ever occur to you that we might just want our privacy?" "Well, you always say to ask first ever since that one time." "That was pretty embarrassing for you." "I know it was for me." "What do you want?" "I've got a problem." "I'm in terrible danger of losing my ministry." " And the problem?" " Ha, ha." "Oh, hardy-har-har." "Men of peace are always objects of ridicule." "Read this and weep." ""Can you find Barry in this picture?"" "No, I'm talking about the paragraph under the "Can you help Barry get out of the maze?"" ""If the newly ordained minister does not perform a good deed by officiating at a hallowed ceremony within 10 working days thereby proving his worth as a man of the cloth, the" "The penance shall be dire and catastrophic to all those concerned."" "There he is." "There's Barry." "Right there." "Right by the big clock." "You see?" "You see his face?" "Look." "Willie, honey, focus." "We may be in big trouble, I need you with me." "There go all my dreams, my hopes my plans for building a religious theme park." "Can we get back to that "dire penance" thing?" "Just exactly how dire are we talking?" "[YODELING]" "Stop it!" "All right, I know it's fun now." "Just wait 20 years, because after midnight tonight I'll be bound by all that's holy to yodel for the rest of my life." "[YODELING]" "Honey, I'm afraid." "Sweetie, we're all afraid." "But luckily, I have a plan." "Now, call me crazy, but what if, say I were to officiate at a renewal of your wedding vows?" "[CHUCKLES]" "Not in my lifetime." "ALF, you're millions and millions of miles away." "You think Barry will really know if you don't yodel?" "This planet's on the side of his good ear." "He'll know." "So think about it." "Let me know in the morning." "He's really got us by the lederhosen, hasn't he?" "Speak for yourself." "[ALF YODELING]" "[ALF YODELING]" "I like yodeling as much as the next guy, but I have my limits." "I know, Bri." "Your mother and I have had plenty of time to discuss this matter." "We just seem to be of somewhat different opinions." "I think this may be another trick of ALF's to get us to do what he wants us to do." "Well, I say who cares?" "Let's just do it." "Mom, I know you're really against it, but I think the idea is romantic." "You were wondering what to do for your anniversary." "I don't know what it would do to the sanctity of our marriage to be joined by a minister who sucks cranberry juice through his nose." "Still, he seems sincere." "And he did get Barr" "Barry out of the maze." "[COUGHING]" "Can I have some hot tea with lemon, please?" "[YODELING]" "[COUGHING]" "Only 400 more years of this, then I get to die." "Look at him, Kate." "He's a drooling, sniveling, pathetic mess." "Oh, that's it, Willie." "Really sell it." "[YODELING]" "[COUGHING]" "Don't let me..." "[YODELS THEN COUGHS] ...influence you." "How about it, Kate?" " You wanna get married?" " Would it mean he'd stop yodeling?" "I would love to marry you, honey." "And I don't feel manipulated at all." "[COUGHING]" "Thank you." "Oh, thank you." "Now, if you'll excuse me I'm gonna try to find a cough drop the size of Dom DeLuise." "[COUGHING]" "Oops." "Watch your step." "I'll get that later." "Do you think if I tried yodeling I could get a new Nintendo game?" "No, but it might get you a new set of teeth." "Come on." "The first one's free." "I'm sorry." "I guess I'm just overly anxious that everything goes smoothly." " Do you have the ring?" " No, I sold it for three magic beans." " Brian, go get your father." " Why?" "What's wrong?" "Nothing." "And whatever you do, tell him not to panic." " Oh, my God." "What's happened?" " Not to worry." "But I was just using my Barry decoder ring to figure out this last puzzle and I thought I should alert you to a potential problem." " You look really sharp, by the way." " ALF, what's the problem?" "Well, it's just that if you and Kate aren't truly moved by my ceremony just call me Heidi, the lonely goatherd." "What a wondrous religion." "Isn't it?" "It's for ages 3 and up." "Well, how do I look?" " Mom." "You look beautiful." " You look neat." "My bride." "I think I'll keep her." "Kate, white?" "You're at least three kids past white." "Or white." "White's just as good." "[DOORBELL RINGS]" "Good timing." " It's Mrs. Ochmonek." " Oh, great." "ALF." "Okay, okay." "What would Jim Bakker do?" "I know." "I'll be on the floor in a fetal position." " Hi, Raquel." " Hello." "Oh, my, look at you." "Um, I saw all those lovely flowers being delivered and I thought somebody might be sick." "It's, uh...." "Uh...." "It's Brian's turtle." " Oh, no, Gabby." " Oh, for heaven's sake." "You don't even have a turtle." " Then who's Gabby?" " Later." "Yes." "Uh, Brian's turtle, Gabby passed away last night." "We were just about to have a memorial service for him." "Oh, I see." "And was that Gabby's favorite dress?" "Yes." "As a matter of fact, it was." "He was a very complex turtle." "I guess." " Well, if there's anything I can do...." " You mean in lieu of flowers?" "Uh, this sounds crazy, I know but you could send a check to the New York City Ballet." "He was quite a patron of the arts." "If you want me to leave, why don't you just say so?" "In fact, don't even say so." "I'll leave on my own." "I think that would be best." "I'm sorry, Raquel, we're not ourselves." "I think we handled that pretty well." "Well, I expect to see you in confession tomorrow." "Bring your checkbook." "ALF, please, let's just get this over with." "Uh-oh." "It's Heidi time." "Uh, what does he mean by that?" "Oh, uh, I think what ALF is trying to say is that this is an expression of our love." "Uh, I can't think of any better way to spend our anniversary than to confirm our vows all over again." "Oh." "Willie, honey, say that with a straight face." "Is everybody ready?" "Lynn?" "[EASY-LISTENING MUSIC PLAYING ON SPEAKERS]" "[ALF COUGHS]" "Ah, we are gathered here to witness the rejoining of these two pretty wonderful kids." "Two people who are more in love today than they were when they first met 22 years ago." "Pretty touching, huh?" "Willie, you're on." "Kate I take you for my wife to support and care for you to love you and cherish you as I have since the first day we ever met." "You've given me three beautiful children." "You've filled my life with joy and with love." "May our lives together be long and happy." "Willie..." "[CHUCKLES] ...I take you to be my husband to care for you and to support you to share your joy and your sorrow." "You're my rock, you're my strength and I'll love you forever." " Congratulations, Mom and Dad." " All right." "Hey, wait a second." "It's not over yet." "What do you mean?" "Kate and I were both very moved." "[MUSIC STOPS]" "Now we're back to being a yodel-free household." "Yeah, but it wasn't because of anything I said." "The rules specifically state" "Look, ALF, being a minister doesn't depend on just blindly following what's written in a book." "It's how you live its teachings." "You did something wonderful here." "And we were moved." "Now I'm left feeling empty and void and hollow." "Well, ALF, what was it you would've said?" "Well, I probably would've opened with a joke." "You know, something to loosen the crowd." "Then I probably would've gone on to say how hard it is to express true feelings because it's hard to tell somebody how much you love them." "And when I see the ease with which you two declare your love over and over I know that nothing can ever come along to destroy it." "Now I'll never get a chance to say that." "Bummer." "[SOBS]" "Just when I thought you couldn't surprise me." "Ah, ha, ha." "A tear." "Hey, you saw it." "You all saw it." "I've got witnesses." "I think that Barry if he's listening with his good ear, is very proud of you." "Ha, ha." "Thank you." "Hey, now I'd like to say a few words about a brave young turtle named Gabby." "For a turtle, he was kind of slow." "But we loved him nonetheless." "He was a dear pet." "A nice pet." "A nonexistent pet." " Morning, ALF." " Morning." "You're not wearing your robes." "Well, now that I've completed my training I only have to serve one weekend a month plus two weeks during the summer." "Unless there's a national emergency." "Well, I gotta give you credit, ALF." "It was...." "It was a very sweet ceremony." "Well, thanks, Kate." "So, uh, how was the old wedding night?" "Hubba-hubba, ding, ding!" "How the mighty have fallen." "That good, huh?" "Then while you're still in a giving mood isn't it customary to tip the one who performs the ceremony?" "Don't you think it's payment enough to know that you've done something admirable for your fellow bipeds?" "Look, I'll give you a receipt for twice the amount and you can write it off on your taxes." "What's the big deal?" "I'll tell you what, ALF." "How about a German chocolate cake?" "Really?" "Sold." "As Barry is my witness, I'll never go hungry again." "[LAUGHING]" "[ENGLISH" " US" " SDH]"