"Well, you're right, Maw Maw." "The old gray mare-- she ain't what she used to be." "You're not gonna believe what I just saw." "I just watched an 86-year-old woman give herself a Brazilian wax." "Try me." "I'm mowing the Andersons' yard and I hear this commotion." "I look over the bushes, into the park, and I saw him forcing his way on top of her." "Oh, my God, Burt." "It was horrible; she was fighting to get away." "What did you do?" "I shouted, "Get off of her!"" "He looked up at me with that caught look in his eye." "He took off running." "Was she okay?" "I don't know." "She scurried up a tree and was gone." "Burt... are we talking about a human?" "Squirrel." "Damn it," "Burt, if you're going to come home with these stories, you have to lead with the species, so I know if I should care or not." "Well, that's easy for you to say." "You're not on the front lines of Mother Nature's twisted playground." "I'm faced with squirrel rapists, birds ripping innocent worms from their homes, and I saw that whole family get electrocuted." "They were moths." "I bet you'd be crying your eyes out if it was a family of butterflies." "A moth is just an ugly butterfly, Virginia." "Racist." "Whoo!" "(in low voice):" "Do not get out of that bed, Hope." "You hear how low my voice is?" "That means I'm serious." "Good parenting, Jimmy." "Kids will do anything if you just say it low enough." "(in low voice):" "Run to the store." "We need some more beer." "(in low voice):" "And take 45 minutes." "Your father and I are feeling frisky." "30 minutes should be fine." "Okay, I know it's stupid, but I have tried everything else." "Okay, Sabrina's here." "I will start the intervention, but you two promised to help." "Hey, guys." "Enough talk-- it's time for you to listen." "Now sit down." "You're up, Jimmy." "Okay." "You know I love you, and as difficult as this may be," "I think it's time that we have an honest, heart-to-heart talk about something that we all feel is becoming a problem." "Okay, yes, sometimes I eat dirt." "So what?" "Einstein ate dirt" " Einstein." "This wasn't about the dirt, was it?" "Is this about me mentally counting the number of words" "I say in every sentence?" "13." "You know what?" "Burt was right;" "I should just listen, okay." "We feel you-- once in a while, but not often, yet more than we'd like, but sometimes..." "Don't pull your weight when it comes to taking care of Hope." "Sorry, Jimmy, but the baby would have been a grown-up by the time you finished that sentence." "I do lots of stuff with Hope." "Yeah, but you only do the fun stuff." "I thought you were taking her to the dentist." "Oh, did you say "dentist"?" "Because we both thought you said "play in the mud."" "I'm gonna grab some towels and we can clean her up." "W-Where have you been?" "We sent you out for socks." "We're late for the church pageant." "We went to the carnival." "Show her what we won." "You're gonna need to buy a filter and a tank for that within the next three hours." "Bye, Hope." "Bye, Mr. Swimmy-pants." "Hair, gum." "Bummer." "Okay, you're right." "I do avoid the tough stuff." "It's okay." "You can change." "What if it's hereditary?" "What if I just don't have the parenting gene?" "Okay, it's called geophagy." "I sense you have questions." "Go ahead." "(sighs) Do you have to wash your hands before you eat dirt?" "If it falls on the ground, is there a five-second rule?" "Have you ever tried sand?" "Is Mexican dirt spicy?" "If you swallow an apple seed, will you poop a tree?" "Oh, she's up again." "Oh, it's the fifth time." "(in low voice):" "Hope, you have to go to bed." "No." "I don't know what to do." "My voice doesn't go any lower than this." "You want to find out if you have the parenting gene?" "Why don't you spend the next two hours trying to keep her in that bed?" "(sighs)" "Okay, I can do this." "Okay." "Hope, it's bedtime." "I want you to go into your room and I want you to get in your bed and I don't want you to come out until morning." "Okay?" "Okay." "(chuckles)" "I'm gonna be good at this." "It's killing you, isn't it?" "Of course." "I'm a landscaper." "I'm surrounded by dirt." "What if I've been wasting money on food my whole life?" "Did you see that?" "Hope went into the bedroom." "She's never done that for me." "Look, don't beat yourself up about it." "You're like a Mr. Mom." "Maybe Hope sees Sabrina as the Mrs. Dad, you know, the one who lays down the law." "There are tons of sensitive, nurturing fathers raising kids all over America and on almost every TV show-- except for Tim Allen." "He's all man." "Ooh-ooh-ooh." "Anyway, my point is, Hope will be proud of you no matter what you are, just the same way you're proud of your dad." "Ugh!" "Nope, nope." "I'm still gonna need to pack a lunch." "♪ Oh-oh, oh-oh-oh... (humming along)" "Hey, hey, hey!" "(blowing whistle)" "VIRGINIA:" "Burt." "I saw him." "I saw the squirrel." "Beady little eyes, fluffy white tail?" "Yes, he's a monster." "Right there in broad daylight." "He saw me watching, and I think he liked it." "That little pervert has no shame." "We got to do something about this." "If we don't help the victims, who will?" "The possums, the groundhogs?" "They're afraid of their own shadow." "Humans are the smartest in the animal kingdom, except possibly the dolphins, but those arrogant bastards aren't gonna do a damn thing." "So what are we gonna do?" "We are going to make it our life's mission to catch that squirrel and put an end to his rampage of unwelcome humping." "This might be the most important thing we ever do." "Hey, you guys don't see me as a Mr. Mom, do you?" "FRANK:" "Not me." "I just think of you as a guy who's obsessed with his kid-- driving her all around, making sure her tights match her outfit." "That's exactly what a Mr. Mom does." "Oh, then, you are getting a mug on Mr. Mother's Day." "You know, I must concur with Frank." "The James we all know has a tender heart and a gentler touch, which is why I always have you stack the avocados." "So what?" "You're a maternal guy with beautiful, soft hands." "There are worse things you could be." "True, I could be a dirt-eater." "Einstein ate dirt" " Einstein." "You know, I can sympathize with you, James." "Being raised by two moms," "I wasn't always the strong masculine authority figure" "I am today." "What helped me tap into my rough-and-tumble was becoming an auxiliary policeman." "That's why they call me" "Badass Barney around here." "No, it's 'cause you have an unattractive rear end." "It's both reasons." "Listen, James, I'm going to be on patrol all weekend." "You should come with me." "Oh, that would be amazing, but I can't." "I got to take care of Hope all weekend." "No, Jimmy, you should go." "Get your rough-and-tumble on with Barney." "I could watch Hope till Monday." "Are you sure?" "Yeah, of course." "My God, that would be great." "I have a uniform you can borrow." "N-Now, of course," "I can't let you borrow my achievement star, but I can show you how I made it." "You're welcome to tag along, too, Frank." "There gonna be a lot of marching, hanging out with dudes?" "Not really." "Pass." "Yeah, little creep's up there just wagging his big white tail, not a care in the world." "Are you sure these pellets won't hurt the other squirrels?" "They're perfectly safe." "I use these pellets to relocate gophers all the time." "The little black pellets put the gophers to sleep so they don't suffer when the little white pellets kill 'em, but, see," "I always take the little white pellets out." "So the gophers just go to sleep?" "Yeah." "How can you be sure you haven't accidentally killed one?" "I've been trapping and relocating the same gophers for years." "They summer at the Millers' and winter at the golf course." "Crafty." "How many gophers?" "Five" " Jackie, Tito, Marlon, Jermaine, and Michael." "(chuckles) Once, when they were knocked out," "I put a little glove on Michael." "You should have seen him dancing around, trying to shake it off." "(laughs)" "I'm remembering it now." "(laughing):" "That's hilarious." "I'm sorry you're missing this." "Me, too." "I'm surprised they haven't come up with something that you can plug into both our heads so we can see each other's memories." "You know, I bet they will." "I bet they will." "(laughs)" "What's he doing now?" "He's still just dancing around." "(snickering)" "(mumbles)" "Ha-ha." "Anyone else smell pig?" "You know, I'm surprised that thing fits you." "Wasn't that Barney's uniform from when he was fat?" "I look better coming than going." "Oh." "You and I are going to have so much fun this weekend." "(whispering):" "You want to go steal some candy while the fake cops are distracted?" "(grunts)" "BARNEY:" "Well, James, are you ready to clean up the mean streets of Natesville?" "I just hope you don't come across any criminal mastermind who figures out how to do this." "Uncool, Frank." "Don't worry, James." "A good auxiliary policeman always carries safety pins." "It's the only weapon we're allowed to carry." "I need you to open it, though." "I always prick myself with the pointy part and get an ouchy." "So, what do we do now?" "Call the dispatcher, let her know we're on duty, and she'll give us the location of our first call." "Eagle Nine awaiting assignment, preferably not in a hilly neighborhood." "Oh, God, that's that idiot from the grocery store who made his own badge." "Shh." "10-4, Eagle Nine." "Patrol South Natesville." "We're expecting some rough stuff down there this morning." "There's nothing going on in South Natesville." "I know, but if I make him feel like a cop, he gives me half-priced rump roast." "It's good to know we've got your boots on the ground." "Sorry, James, I was gonna let you sit up front and steer, but sounds like we have a date with danger." "(bell dinging)" "Turn signals... out!" "I hope it worked." "Oh, it worked." "Ah." "I forgot how much Dancin' Dan likes corn." "Let's just figure out which one is our guy and go catch him." "I don't see him." "Starting to get a weird feeling like this whole thing's some kind of trap." "Ooh, there he is!" "Get the skimmer ready." "Soon as he hops on one of those roofied squirrel girls and gets distracted, we'll catch him." "What the heck's he doing?" "Maybe the sick bastard only likes it when they fight back." "(squeaking)" "Ooh, ooh!" "Go, go, go!" "Ah!" "Should we kill him?" "We can't kill him." "I only believe in the death penalty for people." "We should gouge his eyes out like in the Bible." "You only gouge his eyes out if he's an eye-gouger." ""Eye for an eye" means you do to him what he did to them." "Well, I'm not doing that." "I guess we got to give him life in prison." "Isn't that basically us having a pet squirrel?" "Pretty much." "BURT:" "Hey, Jimmy." "How'd the rough-and-tumble go?" "Bust any skulls?" "Not great." "I spent eight hours staring at Barney's sweaty neck." "And I only got to experience one real crime scene." "This is... disgusting." "(sighs)" "No matter how many times you walk these streets, some things will still turn your stomach." "Now let's put these recyclables where they belong." "Glass." "Aluminum." "Glass." "Oh, my God!" "That's a foot!" "That's a human foot!" "(screams)" "It's a human foot!" "Oh, hold the boat." "It's just a shoe with a half-eaten burrito in it." "Hopefully tomorrow will be better." "What's with the empty cage?" "Lockdown!" "Clear." "Clear." "(whispering):" "He's still here somewhere, I know it." "(whispering):" "Why did you have a squirrel in a cage?" "Clear." "I think he could have gotten away." "(screams)" "It's on me!" "The claws!" "The claws!" "(grunting)" "He's in my ear!" "Why did you have a squirrel in a cage?" "!" "Are you sure you're okay?" "Yeah, mostly." "I don't really want to talk about what he tried to do to my ear." "That squirrel is way too dangerous to be kept in a house with Hope." "Well, if we can't kill him and we can't keep him here, what are we gonna do, release him?" "We're gonna have to." "But we can't just send him out there to be a repeat offender." "I think we have to..." "castrate him." "Okay." "I'll get the knockout pills." "You get the scissors." "No, we can't do it ourselves." "Jimmy's missing part of an ear from a haircut we gave him." "We're not dabbling in tiny testicles." "I'm so happy I'm not really involved in this story." "DISPATCHER:" "Would the closest unit please respond to 827 Variel Street for a domestic disturbance call." "Neighbors report lots of yelling." "Hey, let's take that call." "We're not allowed to do that." "It's just a noise disturbance." "With a lot of yelling." "We can handle it!" "James, do not." "(grunts)" "I really don't think we should!" "Damn it, James, I let you steer as a treat!" "If you have any final words for your testicles," "I suggest you say them now, 'cause in five minutes, you're gonna be squeaking soprano." "Oh, look, a pet squirrel." "Unusual, impractical, and unsanitary." "(chuckles):" "No, no, no." "We're not crazy people who keep squirrels as pets." "No, we just need to have this little bastard castrated." "Excuse me?" "That little guy's a sexual predator!" "He was chasing down the females and taking them against their will." "Just because they're not wearing clothes, doesn't mean they're asking for it." "Hide your cats, hide your mice, 'cause he's raping everybody up in here." "Have you guys ever been to the zoo in springtime?" "Not that we don't appreciate the vacation suggestion, but we're in a bit of a hurry." "No, I'm just trying to say that what you saw is a completely natural process." "It's how animals mate." "In fact, the female was probably giving off pheromones to encourage him." "Oh." "I see what's going on here." "Good old boy's club, huh?" "Blame the victim." "Obviously we came to the wrong place." "We'll just go to another vet." "But if this little guy dies in some back-alley neutering job, it's on your conscience." "I can't let you take this squirrel." "I'm releasing him into the wild." "What are you doing?" "No, no, no, no!" "He's gonna hump!" "Virginia, cover your ears!" "If your daughter was a squirrel, you would never have done that." "(girl screams)" "(glass shatters)" "MAN:" "How many times have I told you to keep your hands off my work bench?" "!" "All right, you two, hold her down." "We got to do something." "If you don't stand still, I'm gonna cut off your finger." "Cover me." "Ah!" "Dang it!" "I have to start wearing my thimble again." "Natesville Auxiliary Police." "Uh, you have the right to voluntarily open up this door." "What do you want?" "I'm busy." "Hurry up!" "It hurts!" "I know!" "Shut up!" "Do you know how to get rid of splinters?" "I'm watching my sister's kids, man;" "I'm in way over my head." "Give me that safety pin." "♪" "Thank you, Officer." "That vet sure treated us like we're idiots." "We're not idiots." "Of course not." "I mean, even if that is how animals have sex, how were we supposed to know that?" "Well, you're supposed to be the expert." "You're a landscaper." "Your whole workday is outside." "From 9:00 to noon, you're in their world." "I don't stare." "I'm not a pervert." "Who do you think I am, that creepy crow that hangs out by the playground?" "I don't care what the vet says." "Any normal person who saw what we saw would have hunted down that squirrel, captured him, kept him in a cage till he escaped, and then with no other options, sentenced him to castration." "We're not gonna tell anybody about this, are we?" "Absolutely not." "Hey, what are you doing here?" "I had to bring her home." "I just couldn't do it." "I just don't think I have what it takes to be a mother." "I mean, God tried to tell me by giving me narrow hips, but I just didn't listen." "First, she wanted to watch her" "Dee Dee the Dancing Dolphin DVD." "And I love Morgan Freeman, but somebody has got to tell that guy that it is okay to turn down a job." "And when that was finally over, Hope wanted to watch it again." "And again." "(dolphin squeaking)" "And again." "And again." "And then she wanted to play "knock down the block tower."" "So I built her a block tower and she knocked it down, while she watched Dee Dee the Dancing Dolphin." "Again." "And again." "And again." "(groans)" "And then she wanted to hear Harriet Hugs a Hippo, which, by the way, is ten "H" words strewn together to make sentences, all right?" ""Harriet happily hugs a hairy hippo while a horse hugs a ham."" "And how do I know that?" "Because I read it to her 20 times while she knocked down the block tower, while watched Dee Dee the Dancing Dolphin." "Again." "And again." "And again." "And that's when I passed out." "And that's when this happened." "And that is when I started calling random nannies from my childhood, so I could go to the bathroom and drink a peach martini and read US Magazine." "And that is when I realized:" "I'm just like my mother." "You're not like your mother." "You love being with Hope." "You're just better at the fun stuff, and I'm better at being nurturing." "And it's okay, as long as Hope has both of us." "Oh, hey." "While I was on patrol," "I stumbled across someone's organic garden, and I brought you a treat." "(chuckles)" "They grew strawberries in this." "I love strawberries." "(chuckles)" "(sighs)" "Hope, what are you doing out of bed?" "It's late." "Let me do this." "It's the one thing I'm good at." "Hope, I need you to go back to bed and go to sleep, okay?" "No!" "Why isn't this working?" "I don't know." "Hope, I said it's time to go to bed." "No, Mommy." "She called me "Mommy."" "JIMMY:" "Sabrina may not have proved to herself she was mother material, but by spending a whole weekend doing all the hard work, she proved it to Hope." "And while being called Mommy didn't make all the monotonous, boring parts of raising a kid any easier, it made them worth it." "Of course, the downside was that once a kid bonds with you and knows that you love them unconditionally, they aren't afraid of you anymore." "(doorbell rings)" "Right on time." "Come in!" "So, sometimes you have to call a professional authority figure." "Hope, go to bed this instant!" "(gasps)" "Well, glad I could help." "I have to head down to the hospital now and get a statement from Dancin' Dan." "Apparently some sicko drugged him in the park, gave him a nasty ear infection."