"Why are we watching the Business Channel ?" "The other day there was a stock with my initials, M-E-G, on it." "Sometimes it takes hours to come up again but when it does, it's exciting." "Okay, honey, you really need a job." "Dad knows someone you can call for an interview." "Right there !" "That's the third sign today." "On behalf of everyone, I'd just like to say, "Huh ?"" "You just said "Dad." Everywhere I go today I keep getting signs telling me to see my father." "When I was walking over, I passed a "buffet."" "Which is my father's last name." "And they were serving franks, which is his first name minus the S." "And there was a rotisserie with a spinning "chicken."" "His Indian name ?" "No." "Because I "chickened" out the last time when I tried to meet him." "Coincidences ?" "I don't think so." " Very freaky." " Weird." "Eerie." "Who wants the last burger ?" "That's it." "I have to go see him." " Why ?" " Hamburger." "McDonald's." "Old McDonald had a "farm." My dad is a pharmacist." "[UNCUT] And E-l-E-l-O is what your mom said when your dad left her." "[UNCUT]" " Yes." "[UNCUT]" " Really ?" "[UNCUT] No." "The One With the Bullies" " Man, I am so beat." " Oh, yeah." " Wanna forget racquetball and hang out ?" " Yeah, all right." " Hey, you're in our seats." " Sorry, we didn't know." "We were sitting there." "Okay." "There is one more way to say it." "Who knows it ?" " Was that supposed to be funny ?" " Actually, I was going for colorful." " What's with this guy ?" " What's with you ?" "Nothing." "Nothing's with him." "Enjoy your coffee." "What just happened ?" "I just took your hat." "See, I can be funny too." "My joke is that I took your hat." "That is funny." " Can I have it back ?" " No." " No ?" " No." "Okay." "Okay." "You know what ?" "I think you're very funny." "Kudos on that hat joke." "But come on, just give him back the hat." "Why should we ?" "Because it's a special hat." "He bought it because he was feeling down one day." "He got the hat to cheer himself up, you know ?" " Chandler..." " Stop talking." "Stop talking now." " You're stealing my hat ?" " You got a problem with that ?" "No, just want to make sure we're on the same page." "[UNCUT] Rach, I've gone dad-hunting with Phoebe before." "[UNCUT] This is a very scary thing for her." "She gets real vulnerable and..." "[UNCUT] ...that's why we're there, to be supportive and crap." "[UNCUT] Okay." "You just let me know when to do which." " How did the interview go ?" " It bit." "It was a '50s theme restaurant." "I'd have to cook in a costume and dance on the counter." "I was a sous chef at Café des Artistes." "How can I take a job where I make Laverne-and-Curly fries ?" " So, don't do it." " How can I not ?" "I have $127 in the bank !" " Monica, relax." "Go get a beer." " I don't want a beer." "Who said it was for you ?" " Hi." " Hi." "What's the matter with you ?" "Some mean guys at the coffeehouse took my hat." " No !" " You're kidding !" "It was ridiculous." "These guys were bullies." "Actual bullies." "We're grownups." "This isn't supposed to happen anymore." "Oh, no, wait a minute." "I have no one." "Let's go down there and get your hat back." "Forget it." "It's probably stripped and sold for parts by now." " I went up !" " What ?" "My stock, MEG, it went up two points." "Do you realize if I'd invested my $127 in myself yesterday that I'd, like, have a lot more than that today." "You know what ?" "I'm going to do it." " Do what ?" " Put all my money in me." "You don't know a thing about the stock market." "What's to know ?" "Buy, sell." "High, low." "Bears, bulls." "Yes, Manhattan." "Telephone number to the stock selling store." "I told you these pillows were a good idea." "Oh, God." "Here we go." "For the first time in my life, I'll say, "Hi, birth Father !"" " Love you." "We're here for you." " Good luck." "Thanks." " Hey, Rach, you want some sandwich ?" " What is in that ?" " Olive loaf and ham spread." "No mayo." " No, because mayo would make it gross." " Run, Phoebe, run !" " No, doggy, please !" "I do so want to love all animals." "Please, no." " You got a bone ?" " Are you kidding ?" "Look, kibbles !" "Bits !" "Get the hell off my leg, you yippity piece of crap !" "Okay." "All right." "We have a problem." "Why don't you reach out and take his trampoline ?" " Here, I know what we can do." " Hey !" "No !" "Okay, doggy, get the sandwich !" "Go get the sandwich !" "Good doggy." "Get the sandwich !" "The dog will lick himself but won't touch your sandwich." "What does that tell you ?" " I'll eat it then." " Are you crazy ?" "He's just a little dog." " Hey." " What ?" "Do you have to be a Century 21 real estate agent to wear the cool jackets ?" "Do you say this stuff to girls ?" "Hey, isn't that the guy who used to wear your hat ?" "And look where they're sitting." "You're joking, right ?" "You guys just walked through the door." " Maybe we didn't make it clear enough." " Yeah." "This couch belongs to us." "I'll tell you what, you call the couch and then we'll call the couch and we'll see who it comes to." "[UNCUT] Know what I don't like about you ?" "[UNCUT] You always got something to say." "[UNCUT] Well, that..." "You know what I keep wondering ?" "Why you two are still sitting here." "All right, that's it." "I have had enough of this, all right." "Gunther." "These guys are trying to take our seat." "Fellas, these guys were here first." " Oh, sorry." " Didn't realize." " There you go." " Thank you, Gunther." "We didn't want to have to go and do that." "He told on us ?" "You told on us ?" "Well, pal, you didn't give me much of a choice." " Don't play with his thing." " I know." "All right." "Let's take this outside." ""Let's take this outside" ?" "Who talks like that ?" "The guy who's about to kick your ass talks like that." " You had to ask." " Yeah." "Okay." "Okay, look." "See the thing is, we're not gonna fight you guys." "Then here's the deal :" "You won't have to, so long as you never show your faces here again." "I think you played the Gunther card too soon." "Hey, Pheebs, I think you're good to go." "Yeah." "I don't know." " What's the matter ?" " I think this was a really bad sign." "Like the beast at the threshold, you know." "It's just I have no family left." "Except for my grandmother." "But she's not gonna be around forever." "Despite what she says." "And I have a sister who I've barely spoken to since we shared a womb." "I don't know." "This is my real father and I want things to be just right." " I completely understand." " Whatever you need." "Hey, you wanna go home ?" "Okay, thanks." "Sorry again." "What was that ?" "I'm guessing the threshold's clear now." "I wanna buy five shares of SGJ, now." "Come on, time is money, my friend !" "Thank you !" ""Time is money, my friend" ?" "You missed "Takes money to make money," and "Don't make me come down and kick your Wall Street butt."" "I made $17 before breakfast." "What have you done ?" "I had breakfast here, so technically I saved $3.50." "How did you make $17 ?" "Well, my financially challenged friends, I split my money and bought shares of CHP and ZXY." "How come those ?" "Well, CHP because I used to have a crush on Erik Estrada." "And ZXY because I think it sounds "zexy."" "What happened to MEG ?" "MEG was good for me, but I dumped her." "My motto is, "Get out before they go down."" "That is so not my motto." " Hey." " Hey, Pheebs." " How's the dog ?" " Yeah." "I talked to the vet." "People are so nice upstate." "He said the little fella's gonna be okay, and I can pick him up tomorrow." "But he had to have stitches." "And he said that only once in a blue moon does a dog's ear grow back." "Still hoping." "Now will you call your dad to let him know that his dog is okay ?" "I don't want to meet my father over the phone." "What am I gonna say ?" ""I'm the daughter you abandoned." "By the way, I broke your dog."" " Hey, Pheebs, if you want, I'll do it." " Okay." "Listen, just don't say anything about me, okay ?" "Don't be too long with the phone." "She'll be a much better friend once the market closes." " It's a woman." " So talk to her." "Hello, Mrs. Buffay." "I know where your dog is." "I want you to know he'll be returned to you almost as good as new within 24 hours." "Goodbye." " Why the voice ?" " Hard to say." " Your cappuccino, sir." " Thank you." " This is better than the coffeehouse." " Absolutely." "How come it's not mixing with the water ?" "The package says to keep it moving." "Stir and drink, never let it settle." "Hey, this is ridiculous." "After I get back from my niece's christening we'll all go to the coffeehouse and have a nice cup of coffee." "No problem." "Joey's there." "Okay." " No." " No ?" "I don't want to have to have Joey with me every time I want decent coffee." "And I don't want to drink cappuccino with a K." "I say we go down there and stand up to those guys." "All right, hang on a second, Custer." " Ross, have you been beaten up before ?" " Yeah, sure." " By someone besides Monica ?" " No." "So what if we get beaten up ?" "Maybe it's something a man has to go through." "Like a rite of passage or something." "Couldn't we just lose our virginities again ?" "Because I think, actually, mine's growing back." "[UNCUT] Are you with me or not ?" "Come on." "[UNCUT] I'm with you." "[UNCUT] Just..." "[UNCUT] ..." "let me put on a clean pair of underwear for the hospital." " I need to borrow $100." " What ?" "Welcome home." " I need $100." " For what ?" " To get back in the game." " When did you get out ?" " I don't know." "I lost it all." " Oh, no." "I've come to terms with it, you have to, too." "Okay." "Look, Mon, I'm really sorry." " Where are we on the 100 bucks ?" " I don't have it." "But, I need it !" "Otherwise, I have to take that horrible diner job with the dancing and the costumes." "I don't want to have to wear flame-retardant boobs." "Nobody does, honey." " Hi." " Schnoodle !" "Oh, my God." "What the hell happened to my dog ?" "It was an accident." "The woman who did this wouldn't hurt a dog on purpose." "She's a vegetarian." " Are these stitches ?" " Eight of them." "That's 56 to him." "If it's raining, you can't let him look up because that cone will fill up fast." " Thanks for bringing him back." " Sure." "Is Frank home ?" " How do you know Frank ?" " Just from a long time ago." "Is he here ?" "Yeah." " Frank !" " Yeah ?" "What ?" "Oh, okay." "I mean Frank Senior." " He went for groceries." " Will he be back soon ?" "He left four years ago." "We're expecting him back any minute." "I'm gonna go." "I'm sorry about the dog." "Everything." "I'm sorry." "Hey, lady !" "Hey, wait up !" "How do you know my dad ?" "Well, I don't really just genetically." "He's kind of my dad too." " Heavy." " Yeah." "So did he ever talk about me ?" "Phoebe ?" "No, but he didn't really talk about anything." "Except stilts." " Stilts ?" " Yeah, he loved stilts." "One time, I was upstairs stealing cigarettes from my mom and all of a sudden I look over and there's my dad's head, bobbing past the window." "He had a big smile on his face and was waving because he was happiest on his stilts." " Wow." " Yeah." " I don't know what to do with that." " Me neither." " So you're, like, my big sister ?" " Yeah." "This is huge." "You can buy me beer !" "I'm not gonna." "You know what ?" "If you had a friend named Pete, I could say :" ""I know Pete." "He's friends with my brother."" " I got a friend named Mark." " That'll work." "Cool." "All right." "So maybe, you know, I could give you a call sometime." " We could talk or something." " Yeah, that'd be okay." " All right." " Okay, I'm in the book." "All right." "So stilts, huh ?" "If you want, I can show you where he hit his head on the rain gutter." "Okay." "Well, we did it." "We're here." "We are standing our ground." " How long does a cup of coffee take ?" " Would you come on ?" "!" "Thank you." " There we go." " I think we proved our point." " You burn your mouth ?" " Cannot feel my tongue." "Bullies !" "Big bullies !" "Look who's here." "It's the weenies." " Didn't we make ourselves clear ?" " Yes, and that's why we're here." "Yes, we're standing our ground." "Apparently." " Let's do this." " What do you got, a weapon ?" "A nice watch." "I don't want to break it on your ribs." "All right, let's do this." "Question :" "If I don't care about my watch, can I use it as a weapon ?" " What ?" " It's sharp and metal." "I think I can do some serious damage with it." "No, you can't use your watch." " Or your keys." " Okay." "Here's what we'll do." "We'll put all keys and watches in the hat over there." " All right ?" " Yeah, all right." "All right, come on, man." "Let's do this !" "Before I forget, are we hitting faces ?" "Of course." "Why wouldn't we ?" "I have to work on Monday." "I have a big presentation." "Actually, I gotta show this apartment tomorrow." "This no-faces thing might not be a bad idea." "Nothing from the neck up or the waist down." " Dana's ovulating." " Really ?" "You guys trying again ?" "So we're strictly talking about the middle ?" " Come on !" " Hey !" "Want some of this ?" "Want a piece of this ?" "I'm standing here !" "Huh ?" " Hey !" "Those guys are taking our stuff !" " Hey !" "Get out of the way !" "Look out !" "That was amazing." "That was incredible." " You guys kicked butt !" " What about you ?" "You really gave it to Mr. Clean back there." " He was a big guy." " He was, wasn't he ?" " I wouldn't know, having missed it all." " Don't do that to yourself." "Any one of us could have tripped over that little girl's jump rope." "So listen, guys are we okay here ?" " We're okay." " So, can I have my hat back ?" "No." "Oh, my God." "Look at her." "Hi, Monica !" "How's it going ?" "Hey, nice boobs." "Guys, check this out." "Excellent."