"It started out as just another day of living the dream." "In Montreal, I had become a fan favorite." "They would shower me with tiny foil balls of hash in the bullpen and lower down little bottles of Tequila." "A record take of 67 bottles in two months one season." "And the good stuff, too." "I loved the life of getting paid to play the greatest game on earth." "Sometimes I thought to myself that maybe" "I'd even do it for free." "Bill Lee takes the ball today." "Good-looking kid out of Southern California." "He's very quotable." "You know, his teammates have started calling him "the spaceman."" "Lee is really on top of his game these days." "Well, he's certainly not afraid to speak his mind." "He referred to Red Sox manager don Zimmer as "the gerbil."" "He may not know how to keep his mouth shut, but he plays the game the right way." "Handles a bat well, too." "Looks like he finally wore out his welcome in Boston." "Bill Lee has to be considered one of the top lefties of all of baseball." "The spaceman just keeps on competing and has put together a fine season for the Montreal expos." "Left to center?" "Yeah, I guess so." "He's actually a little bit left of Che Guevara." "Once again, bill Lee works out of a jam." "You can't help but feel he's always one step ahead of the hitter." "Well, there's only one spaceman." "Stop." "Stop." "Bill Lee." "Present and accounted for, drill sergeant." "Uh-uh." "This gate don't open till one hour before game time." "That's like, um, five minutes from now." "Eh." "You can go in through gate a or gate d." "Just not this one, gate c, huh?" "When the hell did they make that rule?" "Look, I can come in, I'm on the team." "Yes." "In, uh, four minutes." "Okay." "Let's start over." "I don't think that we've officially met." "My name's Lee." "I swore to you I'm on the team, all right?" "I'm a pitcher." "Left-handed pitcher." "Lanceur." "I won 17 games three years in a row." "I can come in." "Of course." "Bill Lee!" "Sorry about that..." "Ah, it's okay." "You just don't look Chinese." "No." "No, I sure don't." "You gonna let me in?" "Three minutes." "Thank you!" "Merci Beaucoup." "Hey, stop, huh?" "Bye-bye." "Somebody stop him!" "Heard you shut down the cul-de-sac again last night." "Yeah, I was tucked in by midnight." "You know, you guys are like the gestapo with your spies around town." "Losing five straight this early on will do that." "People start to panic." "What?" "Ace from space!" "You throwing today?" "I hope so." "Hey, how's your wife doing?" "I think they found what they were looking for." "And thank you for the Jersey." "My son went crazy over it." "Thank you!" "He brought it to school, everything." "Thanks." "Good luck tonight." "You know, we won the damn division last year." "How about some Patience?" "Like, give us some time to gel." "Not sure Patience is a high priority right now." "Everyone's on edge." "Yeah, well, they should be." "We're facing Fernando tonight." "You hear anything about a drug problem on this team?" "Why do you guys always come asking me for these kinds of things?" "Gee, I don't know." "Maybe because you are on the cover of high times magazine." "Yeah, I know." "Did you actually say you sprinkle marijuana on your oatmeal?" "No, I said pancakes, okay?" "It makes me impervious to bus fumes when I run to the ballpark." "Big difference." "You know, you should try it sometime." "It helps with anxiety." "What are you guys doing here?" "Huh, careful!" "This might turn into a drinking town with a baseball problem." "What is it now?" "A hockey town with a drinking problem." "Bill, what do you think of the rumored "drug problem" in this clubhouse?" "Don't answer that." "Pretty please." "Well, there, uh, definitely is a drug problem here." "Whitman hasn't been able to score anything good since spring training and he's starting to get the shakes." "Hey, bill, how do you think losing your pal Rodney Scott's gonna affect the team?" "Yeah bill, you gonna take a stand for Rodney like you did for Bernie in Boston?" "Cool breeze!" "What the hell happened, man?" "I just got goddamn dropped." "When?" "Just now." "Are you freaking kidding me?" "If I'm lying' I'm dying." "You're one of our MVPS god damn it." "Where's Fulton?" "I'm done as a dog here, man." "I have no idea what I'm gonna do now." "Hey, don't you worry, I'm gonna go talk to Fulton right now." "Bill." "There ain't no use in getting yourself all caught up in this mess." "I got it." "All right, take it easy, bill." "I'm so freakin' outta here." "Guys!" "This injustice can no longer be tolerated!" "Now, who's with me?" "Uh, I'm with you." "Come on." "Who's with me?" "Pussies." "Hey, bill." "Fine, I'm going." "Would you calm down, please?" "Crazy ass-cracker." "Bill!" "Hold on." "Bill..." "What you gonna say to him?" "Tommy." "Tommy!" "Fucking chickenshit." "What're you..." "Hold on, hold on, hold on." ""This is bullshit." ""I'll be at brasserie 77." ""If you need me, come and get me."" "All right, Rodney." "Let's go." "Let's get out of here." "Hey, bill..." " Bill." " What?" "Hold on for a second now, bill." "Now look, the thing is I gotta finish packing up my things and they're supposed to bring out the cold cuts any minute now." "So I'll catch up with you, all right?" "The cold cuts?" "You're gonna stick around for the..." "I love charcuterie." "Just go." "Go." "Okay." "Okay." "Well, I'll meet you..." "I'll see you there." "So here's Ron Cey to lead off the top half of the sixth." "Bob James now on in relief." "Oh!" "Next!" "Wow, you are unbelievable." "You know that?" "Yeah, yeah." "Just payment." "You're a thief." "Come on, you got to pitch around this guy!" "Sandy, can I get another one, please?" "Do you mind turning on the baseball game for me?" "Sorry, hockey's on." "Might wanna slow down a little." "You're drinking those like water." "I never drink water this fast." "Hey, bill." "Would you like a shot of whiskey?" "Oh, no." "No, no, no." "No, thank you." "In fact, I think I'm gonna head back over to the ball park." "Looks like they might be needing me soon." "Doesn't look like Rodney's showing up." "You're four deep." "You sure you wanna go pitch?" "That's actually five." "And yeah, I'll be fine." "You might want to turn on that baseball game." "You're about to witness something special." "Well, good luck." " He's there." "He's got it." " And that will end the inning." "Look, I was ready to pitch!" "I could've held them and we would've won the damn ballgame." "How am I supposed to help this team when you don't fucking use me?" "We are 20 plus games into the season, and I've pitched, what, 12 innings." "Are you completely fucking crazy, Lee?" "I might be a little bit crazy, yeah." "Do you honestly think I would put you into a major league ball game after you've been at a bar drinking?" "Oh..." "You were lit!" "I wasn't lit." "I had five beers..." "Five beers, seven beers, ten beers..." "I'd beat catfish after having seven." "Okay?" "You don't think that we drink and smoke all goddamn game long in the bullpen anyway?" "That's not the point!" "The point is you abandoned your team!" "You're a deserter." "A deserter." "Where the fuck are we, Hanoi?" "Look, I was just trying to make a statement." "All right?" "Where is the compassion on this team?" "Rodney has a family." "Rodney Scott is none of your business." "None of my business?" "Rodney has given us everything that he has for three years." "He has won ball games for us, and he is one of the most decent guys that we have on this team." "He's my fucking friend." "And you fucking lie to him over and over." "This is a business, Lee, plain and simple." "It's a business." "Rodney was batting .200." "Numbers don't lie." "Lee, listen." "You can't fight reality, Lee." "Ever seen reality?" "You ever noticed what reality is?" "Because you lose every time." "Do you have a Webster's dictionary in here or just comic books and porn?" "Why me?" "What did I do to deserve him?" "I want you to look up the word "integrity" and tell me what it says." "That's enough." ""Integrity is the essence of everything successful."" "Buckminster Fuller said that." "Who?" "Yeah, exactly." "I am sick and tired of this intellectual bullshit!" "This is baseball, not UCLA." "Goodrich wants to see you in his office bright and early." "Now this is between you and him now." "Why can't he just see me right now?" "He doesn't want to see you in the state you're in." "We're not in a state." "We're in a province." "You would know that if you went to college." "Oh, and by the way, I went to USC, not UCLA, you ignorant fucking prick." "Out." "Now!" "Hmm..." "Fucking push me?" "Get out." ""It's better to die than to live in sleep."" "Shakespeare?" "No, no, no..." "GI Gurdjieff." "The Indian mystic." "GI Gurdjieff..." "The fuck out!" "I wasn't worried a bit." "Hell, it wasn't even the first time" "I had to walk off a team to make a point." "Back in Boston, I won 17 games, three years in a row." "Even started game seven of what many consider the greatest world series ever played." "Bill, last night Fisk hit one of the most historic home runs of all time and tonight, you get the ball for all the marbles." "Reds manager, sparky Anderson says that win or lose, his pitcher don Gullett is going to the hall of fame." "What do you have to say about that?" "Well, win or lose, I'm going to the Eliot lounge." "There it is." "A high drive." "He was waiting for that one." "That one is gone over everything." "We didn't win that ball game, unfortunately." "Tony Perez hit a curveball of mine that hasn't landed yet." "But I'd like to see you find don Gullett's plaque hanging in Cooperstown." "I however," "I kept my end of the bargain." "We called ourselves the loyal order of the buffalo heads." "It was me, Fergie Jenkins, Rick wise, Jim Willoughby and Bernie Carbo." "Bernie was a bit out of control in hindsight." "Well, I guess we all were, but, I don't know." "Maybe I'm projecting." "Hey, what are you doing?" "Come back here, you crazy motherfucker!" "Oh, we're screwed." "Oh, shit." "I said to the gm..." "How the hell can you trade Carbo?" "This team needs a guy like him." "I realize he's been partying sort of hard and traveling with that crazy stuffed gorilla, but he has a family." "Where is the compassion around here?" "And he just said..." "It's a business, bill." "You'll learn soon enough." "One day you'll understand why we have rules." "Om." "Om." "Om." "Om." "Om." "Om." "Om." "Jesus!" "Lee, how the hell did you get in here?" "Through the door." "Always with the smart answers, huh?" "Get the fuck off my desk, bill!" "You like games, huh, bill?" "How about we play a fun little game, huh?" "And in this game, bill, I ask you another question, we see if you can come up with a clever answer." "Does that sound good?" "Yeah." "Okay." "Here's the question, bill." "How do you feel about the fact that we are about to release your insubordinate, over-the-hill ass immediately from your contract?" "Releasing me?" "Under whose authority?" "The queen of fucking England." "What difference does it make?" "It's a done deal." "Pack up your shit." "You don't have the right to restrict my constitutional freedom of expression." "Oh, shit." "You know what, bill?" "You're absolutely right." "I don't." "I know." "But what I do have the right, bill, is to decide who plays on this team, and who doesn't." "And frankly, we're going to really miss ya." "Okay." "Come on, we both know that this team needs me." "Maybe." "But you know what, that's a risk that we're very willing to take." "And I need them." "I do." "I have a family, my kids go to school here." "They have friends." "We can't move back to the states." "They only know the metric system." "Well, bill, this will give them a chance to "expand their consciousness," as you like to say." "You know what's funny, is I hate this part of my job." "You know, releasing players, 'cause normally, right now is the time when I say," ""oh, I'm so sorry." "It's not personal." ""It's business." But today, it actually feels good, to be honest, 'cause I was gonna wait to do this after the home stand." "But since you're being here, and such a fucking douchebag, why don't you just sign here, and initial here?" "And you know what, bill, we're done." "You know what?" "You wanna cut me, go for it." "There are plenty of other clubs out there desperate for quality left-handed pitching." "One of them will sign me." "And then we're gonna come marching back in here with the pennant on the line, and I'm gonna beat you in a game so bad that your future, future, great grandsons will feel it like a swift kick in the nuts." "That's my grandpa Forrest for fuck's sake, bill." "I tell you what, bill, I sincerely believe that you believe that." "One of them will sign me, someone who appreciates me and lets me be myself." "Somebody who knows how to treat its employees with dignity." "With respect and loyalty." "Hey, do me a solid, when you find this mythical team, see if they'd give me a job?" "Hey, bill!" "Come on back." "What?" "Hey, unless you initial it's not official." "I got a t-shirt made with that on it." "There you go." "Oh, that's mature, bill." "Yeah." "That's mature." "Somebody will pick me up." "Guaranteed, probably later this afternoon." "Don't count on it, bill." "Don't fucking count on it." " You're listening to" " CFCF 600 Montreal." "There is a disturbing rumor circulating around town right now that the expos have released bill Lee." "Hopefully, it's just a rumor." "Either way, this one goes out to you, bill." "It's Warren Zevon, bill Lee." "Fuckin' expos..." "Fuck!" "Fuck!" "I got a brother, he's got a fishing outfit in the eastern townships." "You can get a job there." "It's all the COD you can eat." "Hydroponics." "Hydroponics." "Trust me, it's gonna be big one day." "Ever think about going into politics, bill?" "Hey, would you village idiots shut the fuck up already." "Dickie Dennis." "This strapping young man right here is a goddamn professional baseball player." "That's right, goddammit." "He doesn't need to be growing weed on a fishing boat while running for the senate for his livelihood." "Fuck no, he needs to be throwing a baseball." "Because it is a god given talent." "That's right." "And the spaceman here is an icon, he's bigger than the game itself." "Okay, all right, dick." "And the game needs fellas like this." "That's enough." "No, no, no." "Let's get another one." "I got a way of getting you back on the mound." "A word in my office, s'il vous plait." "Okay, I can't wait to hear this one." "Yep." "Right, Larry, thank you." "So how's the new novel coming along there, dick?" "Great." "Just waiting on notes from the editor." "He's real excited about this one." "Isn't that what you said about the last one?" "Yeah, and the one before that." "But this is not about my bad luck streak." "It is about your bad luck streak." "You got a plan?" "Yeah, I got a plan." "What is it?" "My plan is to wait by the phone and just wait for the offers to come rolling in." "That's my plan." "What if your phone don't ring?" "It will." "I gotta be honest with you, bill." "You're 35 years old." "You're not over the hill just yet, but you're not a spring chicken either." "Satchel Paige threw three scoreless innings against the Red Sox when he was 59 years old." "I'm well aware of that fact." "And that's why I got a real plan." "What we're gonna do..." "We're gonna write letters to every single team in major league baseball." "We're gonna let 'em know that you are healthy, ready, and available to play." "You mean every team in the national league?" "Why?" "Oh." "I won't be able to hit in the American league." "I don't think we should cut the cloth quite so fine." "I gotta hit, I gotta hit, and that means being part of the national league." "Yeah, but you're cutting our options in half." "What do you mean, "our options?"" "What is this?" "It means I'll be your agent." "Just for a nominal fee, you know?" "Whatever the industry standard is." "I don't know that." "I've been just fine on my own without an agent for all these years." "Oh, really?" "Yeah." "Yeah." "What do you know about being an agent, anyway?" "Where is your career right now?" "Professional representation is where the sport is headed." "So why don't you do what you do best, you let me do what I do best." "And what is it exactly that you do best?" "Now you're just trying to hurt me." "How long have we known each other?" "How many years?" "I don't know." "Too damn long." "And in that time, we've gone through a lot of shit together." " A whole lot." " Yeah." "I got people ask me all the time," ""what's bill Lee, really like?" ""Is he really as big of a flake and a stoner as they make him out to be?"" "You know what I tell those people?" "What do you tell those people?" "I tell them the truth." "Which is?" "I tell them that bill Lee is one hell of a fine left-handed pitcher." "And he's also one of the most thoughtful players I've ever met." "You're incredibly well-read and you're bright." "And I've known a lot of great players in my time but I've never known another one like you." "But you gotta face it, kid." "Business is not your strong suit." "So, come on board." "And let's get you back where you belong." "On a major league mound." "Viva la spaceman!" "Here." "Let me buy you a real drink." "No, no, no, no, no." "I gotta be in..." "I gotta be in early tonight." "Oh, yeah?" "Where do you gotta be?" "Got the kids this weekend." "Oh, he's got the kids this weekend." "Come on, don't be a pussy." "Just one." "Daddy!" "Daddy!" "Wake up." "Wake up!" "Wake up." "Wake up!" "Come on." "Wake up!" "I got an a on my French test." "Good job there, kiddo." "Show-off." "Are you sad you lost your job?" "They saw it on the news." "Oh, hey." "Should we go to the park for a bit, give you a chance to sleep some more?" "No, no, no, no." "I'm up." "I'm up!" "We are going to the history museum today and we're gonna go check out the spider pavilion." "Why don't you ask your mom if she wants to come with us." "You wanna come?" "You guys have fun." "Kids, if you need anything at all, call me." "I'll be at grandma's all weekend." "Okay?" "Okay." "Love you." "Love you too, mom, bye." "Dad, we're hungry." "All right." "Food..." "You know where the food's at." "Look, it's just temporary." "Your father still has a lot left in the tank." "And the universe has a way of rewarding people who are in the right." "We're gonna find a new team." "Can I still root for Montreal?" "Players." "Just not the management." "What's gonna be the new team?" "I don't know yet, sweetie." "But, we'll find out soon enough." "Ah..." "But right now we're gonna do a little teamwork." "All right, we are gonna write letters to every team in the national league asking for a job." "Should we tell them that your era was best on the team?" "And you were second in games pitched?" "Uh, I think they know that, sweetheart." "But sometimes people make mistakes." "They get angry and they lose control of their emotions." "Have you ever lost control of your emotions?" "Oh, yeah." "Yeah, we all do." "It's just part of being a member of the human species." "I thought we were mammals." "We are mammals." "We're both." "Mammals is our class and primate is our order." "You see, that is why you go to school." "Hmm." "Hey." "Bonjour." "Good morning." "My name is Gino Lapue and this is Claude." "You boys Mormons?" "'Cause I'm in no mood for prophesizing this morning." "This soul is far beyond saving." "No, we are not Mormons." "We are from the Longueuil senators." "Politicians?" "Shit, now I wish you were Mormons." "So sorry to disturb you, but we come bearing an opportunity." "Bill, how much would you like to be pitching again?" "Did you guys buy the team?" "No, no, we want you to play for us." "Who's us?" "Local church league softball team?" "Um, I manage the Longueuil senators, of the Quebec men's senior league." "Senior league?" "Yeah, we play hardball." "Yeah." "Two games a week." "Some very nice players." "Yeah, yeah." "No, Merci Beaucoup." "Uh, I don't play senior baseball." "And who's Marcel Marceau over here?" "And why doesn't he speak?" "This is Claude." "This is our catcher." "While he doesn't speak very much English, but trust me, he's great behind the plate." "Ah." "Listen, listen." "We've already spoken to the ministry of sports on your behalf." "And they agreed to reinstate your amateur status." "Amateur?" "Who the hell are you showing up on my doorstep and calling me amateur, Pepe Le pew?" "I'm a big leaguer, goddammit." "I've been to battle with guys like yaz and Fisk." "Twice the men you'll ever be." "And we know this." "This is why we very much want you to join our pitching staff." "We play only 10 minutes away from here." "Against who?" "The local Kiwanis club?" "Some very competitive teams from nearby cities." "Uh, Verdun." "Sorel." "Mascouche." "Mascouche." "Mascouche is nice." "Oh, yeah." "Quebec city." "Uh..." "Trois-rivieres." "Yeah." "Great team over in Trois-rivieres." "Great." "Does it pay anything?" "Yeah." "We may be able to help with gas money." "Maybe." "Yeah, okay, uh, you're gonna have to speak with my representatives on this matter." "We happen to be in the middle of a very heated bidding war over my services at the moment." "Yeah, we understand that." "Okay." "This is just an open invitation." "Let's go." "Feel free to think it over." "Yeah, sorry, guys, I just don't see this in the cards." "It's not you, it's me, trust me." "It's just timing." "No problem." "We wish you good luck always." "But hey, say the stars were to align for you boys, how soon would you need me?" "We have a game tomorrow night." "Could I hit cleanup?" "You can hit anywhere you want in the lineup." "Anywhere." "Just think about it, but no pressure, huh?" "All right, well, maybe I'll stop by and say hello sometime." "Anytime." "Spaceman." "All right." ""To whom it may concern..."" "Oh, let me sign it." "I gotta sign it." "The truth is, I wasn't ready for the damn beer leagues quite yet." "No disrespect, but I still wanted to strike out Garvey, not Jacques from accounting." "My brood and I sat down together and sent letters to each of the other 11 national league teams." "They were heartfelt and honest." "Now it was just a matter of sitting back and waiting to see which club made the most attractive offer." "And like a good Buddhist, I intended to stay entirely unattached to the results." "Hey." "What the..." "Sully..." "Sully, you cocksucker." "What are you doing with my mail?" "What are you doing?" "Are you in on this?" "I... no." "I'm not in on nothing." "Where's the rest of my mail?" "I'm delivering the mail." "You let go of my bag." "Give it to me." "I'm a government employee!" "That's not yours." "So long, Sully." "See you tomorrow." "Okay!" " Hey, hey!" " What?" "Pittsburgh!" "What?" "Pittsburgh." "Yep." "You know, I always wanted to live in Pittsburgh." "Really?" "No, well..." "You know, all right." ""Dear bill." "Thank you for your thoughtful letter." ""Indeed, we finished last season in dead last place." ""Yes, our pitching staff is in such dire shape" ""that we don't know how we are going to get through this season."" ""However, we have enough problems without adding you to the mix." ""We will not be requiring your services at this time."" "Hey, you know what?" "Fuck those guys." "Fuck 'em." "We got a positive mental attitude." "That's' the way to survive, my friend." "Positive mental attitude." "Where are you going?" "It's in overtime." "Here's one." "Why do Canadians do it doggy style?" "So they can both watch the hockey game." "Hey, fellas." "Bill Lee." "Hmm." "So, uh, who do I speak to about getting a Jersey around here?" "Well, the equipment manager, he'll be back in a sec." "He just ran out to pick up the catering." "There's a Jersey and cap in the garbage bag over there." "We supply our own pants, shoe and well, everything else." "Yeah, well," "I usually wear 37." "Not today." "Welcome." "Oh, hey." "Hey." "So, did you meet some of the guys?" "Yeah, it's a tough group." "Yeah." "So, where's the rest of the team?" "So far, we only have eight today." "It is sometimes a challenge to field with guys, unfortunately." "Oh, Christ." "Well, like I said, this is a one night stand, so..." "Yeah." "Any real fans coming to these games or just local hobos?" "Mostly hobos." "Nervous?" "Ah... no." "No." "Well..." "You better start warming up, big guy." "We're playing new Brunswick tonight." "They are the league champions three years running." "Oh, okay." "Hmm." "Thank you." "What are they saying?" "Nothing good." "Basically, they would like nothing more than to beat us to a bloody pulp and then mount your head on their wall for posterity." "Okay, I get it." "It's hunting season and I'm the prized caribou." "The biggest rack." "Well, guess what?" "I live for this shit." "Uh, I think you missed the exit for the ice rink." "This is baseball, frenchie." "All right, listen, I throw all kinds of shit, so I hope you can keep up." "My bread and butter is the off-speed stuff." "Sliders, curves, the occasional eephus." "You with me?" "Okay, don't ask for a fastball because you ain't getting it." "All right?" "There are only have so many silver bullets left in the chamber for guys like me and I sure as fuck ain't wasting them out here." "Got it?" "Oh, Christ." "Can somebody please translate?" "Hey." "Hey." "Let's start anew here." "My name is bill Lee, formerly of nos amours." "Joseph Cartwright, formerly of El Detroit." "Oh, the tigers?" "United auto workers." "Oh." "So you transferred?" "Uh, no, laid off." "Married a Quebecois woman and..." "Here we are." "Oh, shit!" "Don't look now but I think I just spotted a scout in the stands." "That ain't no damn scout." "Definitely is." "I think I recognize him from Minnesota." "Trust me." "It's not." "How do you know?" "That's my father-in-law." "Hi!" "Woman next to him is my wife, unfortunately." "Hmm." "Oh, I could've swore I recognized him from the majors." "Anyway, tell frenchie here that it's gonna be the third signal in the series." "No fastballs." "Just tell him to trust me, I know what I'm doing here." "He says that he respects that you're the big leaguer." "Oh..." "Thank you." "Fucking balls!" "Yay!" "Here." "Me, me, me..." "Ugh... oh..." "Strike!" "And he's mid-stroke, right?" "And all of a sudden he hears the husband come home." "It must have been summer Fridays or something." "I don't know." "Anyway, he finishes, he grabs his clothes and then he jumps out the window buck naked, into a rose bush, he's got thorns everywhere." "Goes on the fifteen day dl and guess what the papers said?" "What?" "Tendonitis." "And it wasn't me." "I swear to god, it wasn't me." "I'm truly sorry you're not interested in continuing to play with us." "But you know, you're always welcome back." "Well, thank you, Gino." "I appreciate that." "It's just that I got to figure out which team I'm gonna be playing with." "I gotta sort out my family situation." "You know the deal." "Of course." "All right, boys, I'll see you around." "Hey, hey, bill." "Hold up." "Hey, I want you to have this." "No, Joe." "That's your Jersey." "No, no." "You're 37." "I want you to have it." "I insist." "Hey, you might want to give that a scrub, huh?" "Maybe twice." "I appreciate it." "You take care." "Good luck." "Later, boys!" "Bye, bye." "Yes, hi." "It's dick Dennis." "Uh, just following up again." "Yeah." "Well, just, uh, let him know that I called." "And, uh, you know, we have to have an answer by the end of the week, or else we're left with no choice, we gotta move on down the list." "I know I said that last week, but I mean it now." "I mean." "Just tell him I called." "Okay?" "Really?" "We have a symbiotic relationship." "You are a server." "I am a consumer." "If you do not serve, I cannot consume, and therefore, you throw the delicate ecosystem of our relationship out of balance." "So another, s'il vous plait" "I..." "I don't got anymore of that." "Oh, but, did you see this?" "What?" "A petition being circulated by the YMCA on bill's behalf, urging the team to bring him back." "Hmm." "Good." "Montreal is a good fall back." "Oh, so, you haven't heard?" "Heard what?" "Well, word's getting around they already decided to give him a shot." "When?" "When hell freezes over." "He's starting and hitting cleanup." "I'm glad you find this funny." "It's just a man's life you're talking about." "I'm not naming any names but I'm telling you this is a reliable source." "People tell you funny things when you're pouring their gin and tonics." "Montreal's a non-starter?" "It's not just here, it's all of baseball, man." "Owners talk to each other." "He's 86'd." "He's blackballed." "Call it whatever the fuck you want." "He's done." "Bullshit!" "Bullshit." "I mean..." "Bill's a..." "he's a, he's a veteran left-hander." "He's got four or five years left in his arm." "You got to be kidding me." "I love bill, you know that." "He's one of my best customers." "But you know what, he's not getting any younger." "He's walked off teams in two countries, and he's publicly said he smokes dope." "Come on." "Admit it, the guy's a real liability." "Whatever bill does off the field is bill's business." "Nobody else's." "He said in print that the commissioner would be a rich man if he fined everyone in baseball who smoked grass." "You can't say things like that without suffering consequences." "Well, it's the truth." "Besides, he meant it in jest." "You know bill, he's a joker." "It's like..." "He's shecky Greene with a curveball." "Oh, really?" "Guess what." "Yeah." "Owners don't want jokers, they don't want jokes, they want profits." "Well, he puts asses in the seats, fans love him." "If you are his friend, you better tell him he's got to stop spinning his wheels." "Oh, I can't do that." "Why not?" "It'd break his heart." "Bill Lee was born to play baseball." "It's what he was meant to do." "It's his identity." "Help him find a whole new identity." "And soon." "If he hears this from anybody, he hears it from me." "You got it?" "Fine." "He's all yours." "Just do it, all right?" "Stop making those phone calls." "Come in." "Come in!" "Oh, Dickie Dennis." "What's up?" "Oh, you're in training, I see." "Can I get you something to drink?" "You want coffee?" "I don't want no coffee." "Something a little stronger?" "Well, if you're gonna have one, sure." "All right." "So what's up?" "Ah, just..." "How's the letter writing campaign going?" "Well, it's going." "It's going." "Yeah?" "The lack of common courtesy these days." "I swear to god." "Hey, you know the best thing about being single?" "What's that?" "You get to... whenever you want." "Thanks for sharing, man." "Now, I, uh..." "You know, I've been thinking that we need to start looking at whole new avenues." "I mean, a fresh start." "I agree." "You do?" "Absolutely." "Really?" "Yep." "I think it's damn well time we reach out to the American league." "Oh, that's not what I had in mind, bill." "Hey, check this out." "So..." "The grip I got for my new slider, you see that?" "Yeah?" "I want you to keep this between us, but I would even consider a minor league assignment." "Minor leagues?" "Oh, come on." "Temporarily..." "Work my way back up to the show." "No." "I would do whatever it takes." "The spaceman is a big leaguer." "Big leaguers do not play in the minor leagues." "You don't want to be known as the guy who doesn't know when it's time to leave the party." "Yeah, well, I threw nine innings the other day and it felt pretty good." "For who?" "It was, uh..." "Senior team over in Longueuil." "Oh, fuck, bill!" "Are you serious?" "Oh, what's the big deal?" "What if the press finds out about this, huh?" "What?" "So, so what?" "It's fucking embarrassing!" "What?" "Maybe not to you." "But it's embarrassing." "It reeks of desperation." "And there's no deodorant in the world that will hide the smell for desperation." "I don't give a shit about any of that stuff." "That is for the writers and historians to worry about, not me." "I just wanna play ball." "Well, this is what I want." "I want to get you in a room with a tape recorder and a jigger of vodka and we're gonna get your stories down." "We're gonna record them." "All of them." "And then I'll write it." "You know." "Yeah." "Of course, you will." "Well, I'm a writer, god damn it." "It has every element, every element of a best seller." "We're gonna call it the wrong stuff." "The wrong stuff?" "You see, it's a..." "It's a takeoff on that book about the astronauts..." "No, no, no." "I get it, the tom Wolfe book." "Okay, listen to this," "I ain't ready to write my memoirs yet, dick." "I'm ready to pitch." "To keep pitching because that's what I do and I do it damn well." "And I'm not desperate." "I just want to share my gift with the world." "Okay?" "Now I'm gonna go shower, and then we're gonna go get a drink." "Well, good. 'Cause I didn't want to say anything but the fart was an improvement on the B.O." "I wasn't just gonna sit around by the phone anymore." "I needed to get out and be among the people." "My people." "You know, schmooze." "And when you're a pro athlete, fans never let you buy your own drinks." "The trade-off is answering a hell of a lot of questions." "Bill." "Yeah?" "You a, uh, you a religious man?" "I'm a Roman catholic Rastafarian zen Buddhist." "Hey, you hear about the Jewish guy who converted to Catholicism?" "Yeah..." "He gave up guilt for lent." "Hey, uh, hey, spaceman yeah?" "You still get high?" "I have always been in favor of drug testing in sports." "Yes." "Really?" "Yeah, I like to test them all." "I don't know how the hell you do it, man." "Everything in moderation." "Including moderation." "Keep it, keep it." "So, what other avenues we got?" "Oh, I, uh..." "Circling the bases." "Beautiful." "What about Detroit?" "Yeah." "Um, conference call with them next week." "What do you think about California?" "I can absolutely deal with living in socal again." "Can hang out with my buddies from the eagles." "They've got great grass out there." "We're gonna get you a place inside Disneyland." "You can just walk over to the ball park." "They'll love you there, there'll be lines all the way out to the gate for the bill Lee space mountain man." "Fuck that, man." "Fuck that." "Let's not talk about business." "Tonight is a night for a good time, my friend." "A good fucking time." "All right, it works for me." "A body in motion stays in motion." "Basic physics." "Let's circulate." "Party, Einstein, party!" "Somehow, things eventually went from bad to worse." "I even rented out my basement to a drug dealer." "What?" "No, no, I'm good." "No, that's rent." "What?" "For a full month's room and board?" "Really?" "Yeah and that should cover utilities." "Thank you, Gustavo." "Got it." "Hey, you got toilet paper?" "Yeah, man." "I started partying harder than ever to numb myself and there was no shortage of other degenerates to hang with." "Good morning." "Are you okay?" "You okay?" "Hey." "How's, uh, how's my favorite mother-in-law?" "It's bill." "What does he want?" "What is it, bill?" "Great news." "I decided that it's time to start playing ball again." "Hmm." "L.A.?" "You always loved the climate there." "No, it's actually a senior team just across the river over in Longueuil." "Long what?" "Longueuil." "Just across the river." "Oh." "Oh, it's nice over there." "I just didn't realize they had a pro team." "They don't." "It's a goddamn geriatric league team." "But you know what, it will help me stay sharp." "Do scouts come to these games?" "You never know." "You know, I'm starting tomorrow night's game, thought maybe you could bring the kids by, watch their old man pitch again." "Oh, I don't know." "You know, they have so much homework." "It's tough during the week..." "Well, I can pick 'em up from school, and I thought maybe afterwards..." "Maybe you and I could..." "I really don't think it's a good idea, bill." "They're just getting used to the adjustment." "Maybe next time." "Look, if you really want to spend more time with them," "Andy's been asking me all week if you can come to one of his games." "He's pitching now." "They can bring their homework to the ballpark, all right, just, please." "Just bring 'em by." "Bill." "Yeah?" "Good luck." "Thank god for my buddies from Longueuil." "Because I probably would have ended up just like Elvis..." "Dead on the can with my pants down if they hadn't welcomed me back to the ball club." "I knew this was a universe away from even being in the minor leagues." "But at least it was baseball." "Well, sort of." "Hey, hey." "Whoa?" "Columbian?" "Jamaican special blend." "And it ain't coffee." "Is this what I think it is?" "Ganja resin straight from the fields of Kingston, man." "Ooh..." "Bullshit." "Only one way to find out." "You crazy, man?" "We have a game in 20 minutes." "Perfect." "You're nuts, Lee." "Well, that very well may be true, king." "Hey, you ever studied the Bible?" "Maybe." "Well, it says that on the sixth day god created women, right?" "Okay." "But on the seventh day, he didn't rest." "He gave us this wonderful game of baseball." "That's why there were so many doubleheaders on Sundays, as a tribute." "But today, he gave us this big old coffee can of ganja." "Man, I haven't gotten high since college." "Shit makes me paranoid." "Come on, Joe." "Who are we even playing today?" "Sorel, they suck." "So do we." "Right." "Hey, guys." "Come on, seriously, come on." "We have to loosen up." "It's depressing out there!" "Thinking is like death, okay?" "They call it "playing the game" for a reason." "And we've all been played this game since we were kids." "That's a long, long time, especially for Larry over there." "Babe Ruth was Larry's bat boy, that's how old Larry is." "And we all know how to play this game." "Okay, maybe some of us play a little bit better than others, sorry Claude." "But it's just muscle memory, that's all." "Just muscle memory." "What we're really looking for here is freedom." "Isn't that why we play this game?" "To run out to that emerald green field and just be free?" "Hell, yeah!" "Look, Joe over here just wants to be free of his naggy-ass wife for a few hours." "Isn't that right, Joe?" "Pretty much." "Well, we're all looking for freedom, boys." "Even if it's from our own minds." "Oh, yes." "We do." "Today, boys, we are going to free our minds from our bodies and let our instincts take over!" "Today, we are gonna pass the proverbial peace pipe from man to man and go out there, without fear, into the sunshine and just be free!" "Now who's with me?" "I'm gonna step into this office and I'm gonna hot-box that motherfucker." "Now, get in there." "Get in there!" "Get in there!" "Come on, Joe." "Come on, Larry." "All right." "At the plate that day, I went seven for eight with three home runs." "Every pitch thrown to me, no matter how fast, arrived at the plate like a gentle little leaf." "I could literally count the seams on the ball." "All I had to do was catch it on the end of the bat and serve it back to the universe." "And in the outfield?" "I felt no urgency whatsoever." "Take your time, Billy." "I'll wait for you to get under me, my friend." "I love you." "But on the mound, that is where I channeled the light." "I combined the sacrifice of Jesus with the Patience of Buddha." "And then mixed in the control of Sandy Koufax just to get a little Judaism in there." "I was Vishnu in a polyester v-neck." "The batters tried to guess what pitch I was thinking of throwing, but they couldn't because I'd ceased thought entirely." "With the magic beans keeping us loose but percolating all season," "I'd led Longueuil straight to the playoffs." "Forget about the chartered flights and chauffeured team buses." "We drove ourselves to the games." "We played until it got too cold." "And then we played a bit more." "Of all the teams I'd been on, this was..." "Well, this was one of 'em." "And every game, I'd just hope that my family would show up even just once to watch me play." "Turns out that if I wanted to spend quality time with my wife again it would have to be in court." "Uh, Mr. Lee, despite the entertainment value of your arguments, this court hereby awards Mrs. Lee full custody of the children." "What?" "Full custody?" "Why?" "Given the fact that you have rented your basement to a known narcotics dealer... this court herby forbids any and all visitation pending a visit from family and children's services." "No visitation?" "This court also awards Mrs. Lee the duplex in Belmont, Massachusetts." " The house in Bellingham, Washington." " Jesus Christ!" "Settle yourself, Mr. Lee." "We also awarded Mrs. Lee the Jeep... the BMW, all the furniture..." "Yep." "Sounds about right." "And the $150,000 remaining in the joint bank account." "Great!" "Why don't you just go ahead and take it all." "To Mr. Lee, we award the Volkswagen Van with pop top." "It's a bus, not a Van." "The rifle collection, the Salvador Dali paintings, and the remaining subscriptions to field and stream and weed magazine." "High times magazine." "Then we are finished here." "Wait, can you please tell me what I need to do to see my kids?" "Mr. Lee, we're done." "No, I'm not going anywhere until you tell me what I need to do to see my kids." "For starters, you need to rid your house of criminals." "And you need to find gainful employment." "Look I'm trying." "I've written letters to every goddamn major league baseball team out there." "Mr. Lee." "You know, perhaps it's time for you to find a new profession." "Thank you." "We're done." "Thank you, your honor." "Will you get the next group ready?" "No visitation, really?" "I'm sorry." "All right, how about some guys, who can actually hit and throw and catch?" "Real baseball players." "Not just your friends." "Ooh, ooh, what about Jimmy Lemond?" "Mmm-mmm." "No, he works nights." "Uh, Louis Petit?" "No, he, uh, bowling league." "Bowling?" "Yep." "Bill, any suggestions?" "Uh, I know Mike Schmidt." "Oh, he's your friend." "You think he may play with us?" "No." "Uh, no." "No, thank you." "Uh..." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Bill?" "I got news!" "All right." "Another round on me." "What is it, dick?" "Hey, you comin' to the game on Sunday?" "Uh, not likely." "I think that we may have found the proverbial needle in the haystack, my friend." "Just got off the phone with my buddy from San Francisco." "He owes me a favor." "And I have gotten you a tryout with San Fran at their spring training facility in Phoenix." "When?" "Uh, this Friday." "There's flights through New York." "Uh..." "We've got a huge game against new Brunswick on Sunday." "You got a huge game against new Brunswick?" "Yeah." "That's an oxymoron, bill." "There is no such thing as a huge game against Brunswick." "Our prayers have been answered and quite frankly I didn't think there was a zero chance in hell of it ever happening, but it has happened." "And now, you're gonna pass it up because you got a beer league game with this bunch of drunk jokers." "I guess you make a pretty good point." "Damn right, I make a good point." "You can't replace pine tar with fixodent." "And you need to get packing." "All right." "Well, I better hit the road." "Nice work." "Hey, guys, I better get going." "Okay, I'll see you on Sunday." "Done?" "Yeah, I'm not gonna be able to play on Sunday." "What?" "I gotta get in the bus and head out to Arizona." "I got a tryout with San Francisco." "Dick over here just set it up." "Oh, that's great." "Wait a minute." "What about all the crap you've been feeding us about all the glitz and greed and disloyalty at the major league level." "I know." "I know." "That was just me bullshitting me." "If I don't leave this town soon" "I'm gonna end up bankrupt or dead." "Probably both." "He's going to go." "Well, man, do what you gotta do." "Hey, I love each and every one of you guys like brothers." "I mean that." "Okay?" "I'll see you around." "I'll leave you tickets at will call in San Francisco." "Hey, what about your tab?" "Oh, yeah!" ""Oh, yeah"?" ""Oh, yeah," what?" "Okay, you're on." "I'm puttin' him on you." "But I'm not payin' his tab." "Yes you are." "Somebody is." "The hell no." "Nah." "Sucker!" "You guys have been sitting here all day." "Someone's gotta pay it." "Hey, boys." "Hey." "Bill Lee." "Good to see you." "How you doin'?" "I'll see you in there." "Good, man." "For sure." "All right." "Bill Lee?" "Hey, Bruce Lindsay." "How are you?" "What in the holy fuck are you doing here?" "I was told that I could try out." "By who?" "My agent." "He said that he spoke to the owner himself." "I didn't know retired ballplayers had agents." "I ain't retired." "Okay?" "And I just drove here all the goddamn way from Quebec." "Now, are you gonna let me throw or not?" "You serious?" "You drove here from Quebec?" "Yep." "Why didn't you fly?" "Because I enjoy the open road." "The wind in my hair." "Stones on the radio." "And I'm broke." "You are some piece of work, Lee." "All right, I'll tell you what." "I'll let you throw batting practice today to the college kids." "Batting practice?" "Bruce, I don't need your goddamn pity party." "All right?" "I do feel sorry for you, but..." "You throw BP for a few days, keep your nose clean and we'll see what we can do." "Besides, this benefits us both." "Hitting off you will be good for their confidence." "Can I at least get in uniform?" "No, you're good." "Whoo-hoo-hoo!" "God, man!" "Shit, who is that?" "That is Manny moss." "Ooh!" "Whoo!" "Yeah!" "What's my name, huh?" "I think it's probably "douchebag."" "Maury moss' kid." "Sweetest goddamn swing I've ever seen." "His attitude's got as much bite as his bat." "Whoo-hoo-hoo!" "Goodness!" "Oh, my god!" "Let me at him." "It's batting practice, bill." "I know." "Just batting practice." "Come on." "All right." "Go get him." "Jim!" "Come on out." "Whoo-hee!" "Yeah!" "Yeah!" "Get out the tape measures, baby!" "Manny's putting on a clinic today." "Yeah." "Oh." "Hey!" "This is supposed to be BP, old man river." "You wouldn't want to be responsible for an injury to a future hall of famer, would you now?" "Look, look, look." "Just do your job and lay it in there nice and easy." "Like a sweet kiss from your old lady, huh?" "Your old lady." "I ain't here to play Patty cake, kiddo." "Go!" "Hey, who the fuck is this guy?" "Okay, you want to play like that?" "Let's see what you've got." "That was nasty." "What the fuck, man?" "Fuck, man." "Whoa, easy." "What is this, man?" "Y'all trying to get me hurt out here?" "I'm about to pull a muscle!" "What's he doin'?" "What he knows how to do." "Compete." "Get him out of there." "What kind of stuff is this?" "Supposed to be spring training BP!" "What the fuck was that?" "Oh, come on, what do you want me to do?" "Just lay'em up there for him?" "Yes." "It's batting practice." "I can't have you comin' in here and throwin' off a young sluggers timing with your grab bag of monkey shit pitches, Lee!" "Look, I'm sorry, all right." "I just wanted to show you guys what I still got in the tank." "How about next time I just serve them up like little Twinkies on silver platters for you?" "Oh, there's not gonna be any next time." "We're committed to a youth movement here." "So, uh, good luck, all of that." "I'm sorry you wasted your time." "If anything changes, we'll let you know." "Yeah." "Why don't you go..." "No need to make a scene." "It's just business." "Uh-huh." "It's just business." "Where have I heard that before?" "How do you feel about the fact that we're about to replace your insubordinate over-the-hill ass... immediately from your contract." "This is a business, Lee!" "Plain and simple, it's a business!" "Fuckin' assholes!" "Guess what?" "Mr. Lee, you know, perhaps it's time for you to find a new profession." "Hey!" "Hey, hey, hey, hey!" "Sorry about that, bill." "Listen." "I respect your tenacity." "More of us do than you know." "We all know you play the game for the right reasons." "Hey, you won 119 major league games." "I don't know whose daughter you humped up in Montreal, but somebody's got it out for you big time." "Who does?" "Who doesn't is the question." "You've been banned from the big leagues, kid." "Plain and simple." "Hey, you didn't hear it from me, but Cleveland's looking for a minor league pitching coach down in Tucson." "I told them you might show up for an interview tomorrow." "A coaching job?" "No, man, I don't want to coach." "I want to pitch." "I'm a pitcher." " It's not gonna happen." " That's life." "You know the game." "Go make a steady paycheck." "Teach what you know." "I appreciate the information." "You're one of the good ones, Marv." "Thank you." "Okay." "Keep fighting the good fight." "All right, take care." "Hello." "Hey, honey." "What time is it?" "Where are you?" "I'm in Arizona." "Had a tryout with San Francisco today." "Arizona?" "You did?" "Well, that's great." "How did it go?" "Well, I thought that I did great but, uh, apparently, they are committed to a youth movement, whatever the hell that means." "How long are you gone?" "I'm gonna be a while." "I got a lead on something in Tucson." "Look, uh, can I please speak to the kids?" "They're all sleeping." "It's late here." "Call tomorrow." "Okay?" "Can I ask you an honest question?" "Of course." "Do you still love me?" "Bill..." "What is it?" "Because I'm not in the majors anymore, is that it?" "Is that really what you think?" "I don't know." "Why don't you tell me?" "I love you enough to tell you the truth." "It'd be nice if you would stick up for your kids the way you stick up for your team mates all the time." "Well, what about you?" "What about us?" "I'm not sure that things can be salvaged between us at this point." "But we can be friends." "The kids need that too." "But they need you here." "You've been on the road for 14 years." "It's time to come home." "I'm going to bed." "Wait, wait, wait." "Good night." "Call them tomorrow." "Call..." "You know the most frustrating thing about ex-wives." "Sometimes they're friggin' right." "Howdy, neighbors!" "Passport?" "Vehicle registration?" "Uh, right." "Let's see." "I could've sworn I brought the darn thing." "They didn't ask for it on the us side when I was coming through." "I thought Canadians were supposed to be the friendly ones, eh?" "If you don't have a passport or any ID, you're gonna need to step out of the car." "Uh..." "What have we got here?" "He smelled something." "We can work this out." "I'm late for a baseball game." "Name's Lee." "Bill Lee." "I'm a ball player." "I don't care if you're late for your fuckin' wedding." "Get out of the car, now." "What have we got?" "This guy's got no ID." "He says he's a professional athlete." "Wants some special treatment." "And then there's this." "Really?" "What hockey team you play for?" "I'm a baseball player." "Oh." "Well, then you gotta step out of the vehicle." "I wasn't looking for any special treatment, fellas." "I'm just a friendly American." "Hell, if it were up to me there wouldn't be any borders between these two countries." "Save the stump speech." "Wait a second." "Are you the spaceman, bill Lee?" "Yes, sir." "William Francis ii." "Pleasure to meet you boys." "I saw you in high times." "Um... not that I read it." "Well..." "But, man... boy, Montreal fucked you proper, bill." "Yeah." "You've got brass balls standing up for little Rodney Scott like that." "Yeah." "Well." "Where you going?" "Well, I've, uh, I've actually been playing with a great group of guys over in Longueuil." "You know, I left them behind to go try out for San Francisco, which was a big fuckin' mistake." "Anyway, they got a game tonight against a bunch of ugly plumbers from new Brunswick, and I'm just trying to get back so I can pitch." "What the heck you playing for Longueuil for?" "They need me." "You heard the man." "He's got a ball game to pitch." "Go on." "Get out of here." "All right." "I'll just..." "I'm gonna hang on to the coffee, though." "Smells like pretty good shit." "Take care." "Go ahead." "Go on." "Okay." "Yeah, of course." "Look, I screwed up." "Even though I had the best intentions." "But once I realized no major league club would ever hire me again," "I didn't get angry." "I got defiant." "Screw those guys." "Who needs them?" "The owners had done me a favor, chucking me out of their sport." "Now I could travel the world searching for the game in its purest form." "Hardball, softball, wiffle ball, cricket." "Pay me in cash, pay me in lager, don't pay me at all." "But I'll be there." "Ready to get guys out." "Good morning!" "Hey!" "I get invited to come and throw out the first pitch a lot these days." "And I tell 'em, only if I can throw out all the rest." "Bill "the spaceman" Lee!" "I keep playing because I have no choice." "I'm a ball player." "As Jim Bouton once said," ""you spend a good piece of your life gripping a baseball." ""And in the end, it turns out that it was the other way around.""