"ALAN:" "Hey, Dad, I'm gonna head out." "I just talked to Craig, and he's..." "Dad!" "Oh!" "My God!" " Don't die, don't die, Dad!" " Oh, man, you fell for it!" "[laughs]" " What?" " You got so sad!" "Your voice went up, like, six octaves. [laughs]" "You sounded like a beautiful woman." " What the hell is this?" " Alangulon, what you thought was your disemboweled father is actually Meka-Zorn. [metal clanks]" " What?" "Meka-Zorn?" " My robot clone." "Yeah, this is the decoy I'd use back in Zephyria to distract my enemies, and then sneak attack them." "I am Zorn." "Yeah, I just got him back." "You know, he was serving a prison sentence for a, um, uh, uh, for a friend, an identical looking friend of mi..." "Well, you know what?" "Not important." "What is important is that he's awesome, okay?" "Well, like, check this out." "He's also a massage chair." " Really?" " Yeah, come on, go for it." "Son, you don't have to be scared, okay?" "He's a massage chair." "You've been to a Sharper Image before, haven't you?" "Let's go." "Yeah, go ahead, take a seat." "[farting] Oh!" "Burn!" "He's also a Whoopee cushion." "[laughs] Oh, come on!" "It's still a massage chair, you know." "Get on back here and sit on your dad's robot." "[title music]" "LINDA:" "I know the terms of our divorce." "I understand what "joint custody" means." "Because he's my dog, Jake!" "Okay, what did the counselor say about harsh words?" "I'm not doing this right now." "Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey." "Where are you going, Zorn?" "Oh, sorry." "Yeah." "No, I-I-I'm, uh, I'm tired." "And I don't feel like being here, so, uh," " I-I might need tomorrow, too." " Sorry." "You used up all your sick days." "Yeah, but I said I'm tired," " so I guess I'll just, you know..." " Everybody's tired, Zorn." "You know what?" "Why don't you get ready to do some real work around here?" "That Route Logistics proposal no one wants to do," " starting tomorrow, it's yours." " Hey, quick question." "Am I...?" "Are you kidding me right now, Todd?" "You want to give me lip, too?" "Well, guess what?" "You and your best friend Zorn are now both on Route Logistics!" "Todd?" "!" "You're saddling me with Todd?" " Cool." " He's the Todd of our office." "[door slams closed]" "CRAIG:" "Oh, nice shot!" " I'm gonna kill you, Craig!" "[door closes]" " Finally, something we could do together." "Zorn, they're just playing video games." "CRAIG:" "Yeah, it's called Blood Soldiers." "I play mainly just to observe human behavior." "Die, die, die, die, die!" "That sounds stupid." "Alangulon, come on." "Wouldn't you rather go on a quest for treasure, but then discover that the real treasure is the love between a father and his son?" "How's next weekend work for you?" "That's when they're releasing Blood Soldiers:" "Subterranean Ops and Craig and I are gonna wait in line to get limited edition copies." "CRAIG:" "Yeah, waiting with gamers is fun." "It's like a little community." "I love little communities." "ZORN:" "Edie, are you just gonna sit here and let nerdy-ass Craig nerdify our son?" "Hey, Alangulon, you like games, huh?" "Want to play a real man's game?" "Keep away." " Ha-ha!" " CRAIG:" "Zorn." " Why would you do that?" " ZORN:" "You missed it!" "Alangulon's fault." "He missed it!" "Zorn!" "You cannot keep treating Craig like this." "CRAIG:" "No, that's okay, Edie." "Hey, Alan, you want to help me fix the controller?" "I would love to do that, actually." "Hey, I'm gonna introduce you to another cool small community." " What's that?" " Electronic repair community." "TODD:" "Check it out." "I've got a route mapped out that over the next decade could save the company... hundreds." "Yeah, good for you." "How about mapping out a way for me to get my son to stop being in love with my ex-wife's fiancé, huh... can you do that?" "I could try, but, uh..." "Wait, what are we talking about?" "Yeah." "I mean, it's, like, I moved here for Alangulon, 'cause, you know, I love his awkward little ass." "And I've been trying to bond with him for months now, but who is he closer with?" "Craig." "Sounds like you're having some family issues." "I've been told I'm a good listener." "So..." "EDIE:" "And then he just broke the controller." "Can you believe that?" "And then, last weekend, Zorn stood in the backyard watching Craig do his Tai Chi workout for an hour just laughing at him." "Zorn is the worst." "I'm so sorry." "Oh, whoops, my napkin fell." "EDIE:" "When Zorn's rude to Craig, he's rude to me." "And every time he smashes Craig's computer screen, I suffer." "I get it, too." "[cell phone buzzes]" ""Here she goes again"?" " That's from..." " Oh, the waitress." "The waitress." "Here she goes again." "She, like, keeps walking by and never stops." "Yeah, it's like, "Could we get some pretzel bread?"" "They have delicious pretzel bread here, by the way." "Guys, what's going on?" "Okay, I'm just gonna be really truthful with you." "Yeah." "Ever since Zorn moved to Orange County, all you ever do is complain about him." "What?" "!" "I talk about other things besides Zorn." "We're your friends, Edie." "If we can't be honest with you, who will?" "[phone buzzes]" ""Want to hit up the Farmer's Market after we ditch Edie?"" "Um..." " Just take me off the group texts." " Yeah, that's what I'll do." "[door opens]" "Hey, Dad." "Are you home?" "I got your beach chair." "[sighs]" "Okay, really funny!" "Good joke!" "Wherever you're hiding, that video game thing's not happening anymore because it's on a Friday and I can't skip school, so here's your chair." "MEKA-ZORN:" "This looks like a job for Zorn." "If that's Meka-Zorn, then..." "Dad... [groans] [laughing] Oh, man!" "This time was even better." " Oh, yeah, really funny." " Oh, my God." " You're super hilarious." " Well, not everyone appreciates my sense of humor." "It's subtle." "You know, it's very British." "It sucks your Mom is being such a nerd about the rules so you can't go do your nerd thing." "Boy." "Yeah, I was really looking forward to hanging out in that line, you know, and meet other gamers and stuff." "Not that I'm a gamer, but I just like to play the games, and hang out with other people who play games, and..." "Oh, you know what?" "I should ask Craig if he can write me a note so I can skip school." "[muffled] [swallows]" "No, no, no, you don't..." "[gulps]" "No, no, no, no, no." "There's no need to ask Craig, okay?" "I'm your dad." "I'll let you skip school." "Then I'll take you to go wait in line." "You want to go wait in line with me?" "It's not gonna be like a quest, or anything." " It'll be like a quest!" " Don't you have to work?" "ZORN:" "Okay." "So that's the phone." "This is a computer, uh, oh!" "Over there's the copy machine." "And, uh, I think that's it." "I think that's all the things a robot can have sex with, right?" "Yeah, all right." "I'm out of here." "Have fun, buddy." "Ha-ha!" "The quest to find the front of the line begins." "Fear not, for I have provided everything we could possibly need." " You got water and sunblock and stuff?" " Water?" "No, come on." "A warrior's thirst can only be quenched with victory." "Good call on the sunblock, though." "I should've brought some of that." "You know, but I did bring an invisibility cloak." "[thuds] Great, well, that's gone forever." "You know, the first 100 people will get the limited edition." "Which means we need more intel. [squawks] [bird screeches]" "Come on!" "I hate that bird." "Tell me, Clawthor, the Taloned One, what valuable information have you gathered from the sky?" "[Clawthor squawks]" "He assures me that we are 35th in line." "And there's an obese gentleman on some sort of scooter device." "I'm pretty sure we're, like, at least 10th." "[sniffing] Oh, this bird is drunk as hell." "MAN:" "Hey, man." "Cool General Steel mask." "Oh, yeah, you like it?" "[deeper voice] "The perimeter has been breached."" "Hey, man, do you mind holding my spot in line?" "I want to hit up the taco truck." "Oh, yeah, go for it." " Hey, let me know if they got" " All right." "any of that pico de gallo, 'cause I'm a PDG freak." " Yeah, yeah, for sure." " Awesome." "Thank you." "Ha-ha!" "Victory!" "The first step of the quest is done." "You know, usually, that's killing the village children, but this feels good, too." "I don't want to be that guy, but do you think you could at least try and help me out here?" " I am Zorn!" " Yeah, yeah." "You're Zorn, big and powerful." "I'm just lowly Todd." "Why help me?" "Nobody can defeat the mighty Zorn!" "I'm not trying to defeat you." "I'm just trying to do my job and live my life." "But between you, Linda, my ex-wife, and my-my overbearing father, sometimes, I just want to scream!" " See you in Hell, Vulchazor!" " Exactly!" "Tell 'em all to go right to..." "I know what you're doing." "You want me to open up, and then you're gonna make fun of me later." "Well..." "I am sorry you feel that way." "Tell me more." "Nobody is planning a sneak attack." "Ah, I'm sorry, Zorn." "I guess you just remind me of my father. [music]" "You know, it's nice, you listening to me for a change." "It's kind of weird, but nice." "[chuckles]" "Tell you what." "How about I go get more tacks, you get us some coffee, and when you come back, we'll start fresh?" "I am Zorn!" "And..." "I am Todd." "And today, that's starting to feel okay." "[chuckles]" "CRAIG:" "Oh, my goodness." " Zorn cracked my screen again." " Damn it, Zorn!" "You know what?" "No, I'm done." " I have nothing more to say." " What?" "!" " Edie, you are being weird." " I'm not complaining about Zorn anymore." " Vicky and Bridget told me that's all I ever do." " Like we don't sit and listen to Bridget complain about her bulimic sister?" "It's, like, "Okay, yeah, I'm a psychologist," " but we're here to bowl."" " Well, maybe they're right." "I mean, I've got lots of non-Zorn things going on." " Why am I not talking about them?" " Well, you know, you should be able to vent to your friends." " That's what friends do." " Yeah." "Oh, you know what?" "It's working." " Oh." " Why did Zorn take so many pictures of himself?" "Ugh!" "Oh, my God." "I got to throw my toothbrush in the garbage." "Zorn, you're spilling." "I am Zo-Zo-Zo-Zo-Zo Zo-Zo-Zo-Zo-Zo-Zo..." "Oh, my God." "Uh..." "Uh..." "[stuttering continues]" "Hi." "I got a call." "I guess I'm Zorn's emergency contact." " I'm his ex-wife." " Oh, thank God." "Hi." "I'm Linda, his boss." " Mm-hmm." " Oh." "Zorn said his boss was a man." "Yeah." "He thinks I'm a man." " It's just easier not to correct him." " Uh-huh." "[Meka-Zorn stuttering] Okay." "See?" "I think he may be having a seizure." "Or maybe it's, like, some Zephyrian meditation thing?" " I don't know..." " No, I know what it is." "This isn't Zorn." "This is his piece-of-junk robot decoy." " What?" " Yeah." "Hold on." "[beeping, electrical whooshing]" " This looks like a job for Zorn." " LINDA:" "Yeah." "No, I get it." "He doesn't want to work with the lamest guy in the office, so he brings his robot decoy." "Well, that's just like him." "Take the easy way out, 'cause he's..." "You know what?" "[chuckles]" "I mean, it's not so bad." "Who are we to judge?" "Well, I'm his boss." "That's who I am to judge." "I'm just so sick of his crap attitude." "I mean, you must be, too, right?" "No." "I don't have "any" complaints with Zorn." "My life is so great." "I'm a mom." "And that's very joyful, and I've got a party planning business." "And people say, "Edie, you're fun." "You're a fun lady."" "You need a drink." "Yes." "I got you covered, Jared, okay?" "I got you covered like..." "ZORN:" "Boom!" " And boom and boom!" " What?" " JARED:" "Hey, who's killing us?" " And you're gone." " Pew!" "Pew!" "Pew!" " Why is this happening?" "Oh, got 'em all." "I win!" " He-yah!" "Ha, who'd have thunk?" " Come on!" " Video games actually are fun." " ALAN:" "Aah, I'm sorry." "He just doesn't understand anything." "What?" "!" "I killed all the guys in the red berets." "Okay, we are the guys wearing the red berets." "Well, you're not really dead." " Hey, guys." " Craig?" "What are you doing here?" "[sighs]" "Well, I was gonna get you the limited edition copy of the game." "Look at you." "You look red." " You might need this." " Oh, yeah!" " This is exactly what I want." " Aren't you supposed to be in school?" "ALAN:" "Well, I'm supposed to, uh, be," " well, you know..." " I'm just kidding." "I guess since we're pretending that we're soldiers, we could also pretend that you're not skipping school, okay?" "Hey, Craig, I'm the one that's cool with him skipping school." "I'm his dad!" "Well, you shouldn't be cool with him skipping school, because you're his dad." "Ooh, I wish you were wearing a red beret." "And I would just pew!" "pew!" "pew!" "EDIE:" "He drives me crazy." "He's so selfish." "And he's rude to my fiancé." "It's like I finally got my life together, and suddenly Zorn's back with all the problems we had when we were married." "I get it." "My ex is the worst, too." "He slept with my hair stylist just as she was finally," " finally starting to understand my curls." " My ex committed genocide." " Yeah." "No, you got me there." " You know what?" "I'm gonna stop complaining about Zorn." "My friends told me that it's kind of a... bummer." " What?" "!" " Mm-hmm." "You should be able to bitch about your ex" " whenever you feel like it." " Really?" " Yes." "You can with me." " Thank you." "As long as you don't mind me bitching back." "Are you lost, maiden?" "Zorn will protect you." "[hollow, echoing clang]" " Oh." "Wow!" "Okay..." " What are you doing?" "Just wanted to see what it was like to punch a bastard." " Oh." " Yeah." "I'm fine!" " We have one flare left." " Mm-hmm." "Tunnels filled with methane gas." "So Alan throws the flare, I shoot it." " We run." "Boom!" " Boom!" "CRAIG:" "And then we hear a voice." ""25 kills."" "BOTH:" "Kill-basa, baby!" "ZORN:" "I'm sorry, if I could just interrupt real quick." "It's just, Craig, you said "kills," even though your kills aren't real." "Mine, on the other hand, I can still hear them screaming," ""You've got the wrong person, man," every time I close my eyes." "Dad, it's just video games, all right?" "We're not interested in the actual psychological toll" " that warfare takes on your mind." " Oh, no, no, no." "I-I know that." "I'm just saying, Craig's a total fraud, and the only thing he's ever killed was this awesome vibe" " we had going before he arrived." " CRAIG:" "Okay, look," "Zorn, why do we even have to compare?" "I mean, can't we both be killers in our own way?" "Oh, you want to be a killer?" "Okay, well, here's something you can kill for real. [squawks]" "[Clawthor screeches] Whoa!" "Hey, come on." "Those are kettle cooked." " Hey, Dad, call it off, all right?" " Only if he admits his kills are fake." "CRAIG:" "Oh!" "Whoa!" "[whimpering] Oh." "Alan?" "Hey, look behind the water heater." "You'll see my manuscript." "If I die, get it to a publisher." "And then add this bird thing on at the end." "Oh!" " Oh!" "Oh!" " ALAN:" "Clawthor, let go!" "All right, come on, Alangulon." "We can still salvage the day." " What?" "!" " Oh, okay." "So you want to stay with Craig." "That's what you're saying?" "Fine." "I see how it is." "[applause] Oh, yeah, clap away, you nerds." "[thudding, grunts] [crowd clamoring]" " Very funny." " Hey, grab him." "Which one of you put my invisibility cloak over a parking meter, huh?" "[vacuum cleaner whirring] Meka-Zorn?" "Where are you?" "I need you to kill Craig, or think of another fun activity" " for me and Alangulon." " Zorn." "There you are." " What are you still doing here?" " I was just working late, you know, getting our proposal done." "That's what buddies are for, right?" "Buddies?" "Wait, I'm sorry, you think we're buddies?" " Well, we seemed to... get along earlier." " Hey, hey, shut up." "I got to ask you something important." "Have you seen..." " have you seen me?" " Um..." "I'm seeing you now." "Right, right, right, right." "Okay, new plan, new plan." "Uh..." "I'm gonna go look around for, um, something." "But if you... see me..." " uh, call me." " Okay." "[clanging] [music] [grunts] Yeah!" " Yeah!" " You're getting it good!" "I need more booze." "The more sober I get, the less beating up an exact replica of my ex feels okay." " My turn." " Your turn." "Hey, Jake!" "Why don't you take custody of this pan?" "[clang]" "Oh!" "Oh, I'm sor... [romantic music] I'm sorry." "Hey." "Mmm..." " Linda!" " Hey." "What?" "!" "Hey!" "[Linda stammering]" "Edie!" "Don't jump to conclusions." "I was not about to start having sex with Meka-Zorn." " What?" "!" " LINDA:" "See, what we have here is... this is the best of both worlds." "It's, like, all the good... m-muscle-y parts of a guy without all the..." "stupid guy parts... of a guy." " I am Zorn!" " Hey, shh..." "No, you're not." "That's what makes you good." "[door opens]" " Hey, Mom!" "Hey, we're back." " Hey!" "Alan..." "Oh, you are walking out here at... the right time." " Sure." " CRAIG:" "Oh, hi." "Edie, I didn't know you had a guest over." " Hi." "I'm Craig." " Hi." "I'm Linda." "I'm Zorn's boss, and Edie's # new best friend for friggin' life. #" "Okay." "So you've been drinking." " Yes." " Not really that much." "Uh, Zorn, it's good to see you again after not having seen you earlier in the day." "Wink, wink." " Why'd you say "wink, wink"?" " Oh." "I meant to just wink." "I'm sorry." " Craig, this isn't actually Zorn." " Oh, right." "Okay." "This is Meka-Zorn." "It's Dad's robot decoy." "Why is he here?" "EDIE:" "Oh, we were just getting our aggressions out" " on Zorn with him." " Oh." "So being positive" " is working out?" " You know what?" "If Bridget and Vicky don't want me bitching about Zorn, then they're not my true friends." "They are not your true friends." "[whispering] Hi." " I'm your mom's best friend." " Hi." "Well, since you're all griping about Zorn again, do you mind if I take a whack at it?" " No." "Do it." " Really?" " Yeah." " It's a good time." " You should try it out." " It feels good." " Get it out." " This one seems good." "Zorn." "[grunts]" "I am Zo-Zo-Zo-Zo-Zo-Zo..." " Oh." "Did I do something?" " Oh." "I got it." "I got it, I got it, I got it, I got it." "She's a pro at this..." "[chuckles] [buzzer] Bomb mode activated." "Uh-oh." "Did I do something?" "[counter beeping]" "Oh, no, this... this is one of Dad's dumb pranks." "Terminate enemies of Zorn!" "I was wrong." "It's a bomb." "ZORN:" "Here, Meky-Meky." "Here, Meky-Meky." "[phone ringing] Zorn on the horn." " Hey, Zorn." "It's me, Todd." " And?" "Well, you told me to tell you when I see you again." " I see you." "Hi." " Hey, Todd, I don't have time to talk to a big baby man right now." "You dig?" "You know what, Zorn?" "I don't get you." "I mean, at first you hate me, then you like me, and then you hate me again." "I mean, if we're gonna be friends, you got to open up to me right now!" "Oh, okay." "Well, Todd, if you must know," "I'm worried my son's soon-to-be stepdad is replacing me!" "Why?" "You seem like a strong parent!" "I guess I'm just scared we'll never be close, and I'm gonna lose him!" "Well, maybe by forcing him to be close, you're actually" " pushing him away!" " Yeah?" "Well, that's very insightful!" "If you love your son, you should be happy for him!" "Some people don't have a male role model in their life!" "Your son could have two!" "Damm it, Todd, you're right!" "[phone vibrates]" "Oh, great." "Now he and Craig are blowing up a bounce house so they can bounce together like best buds." "What?" "!" "Meka-Zorn's a bomb?" "Yeah, well, I hope he blows up that stupid bounce house." "Oh, wait, hold on a second." "Oh, there was no bounce house." " Oh, okay." "Now I get it." " Zorn, what the hell are you talking about?" "!" "Oh, I just don't get it." "So we got the red wires, the blue wires." " I tried that." " There's some, like, wet lizard-tail-looking things, do we pull that?" "I hate Zephyrian technology..." "it doesn't make any sense!" "CRAIG:" "Zorn is not here." "Edie is drunk." "I just met Belinda." "So I guess Craig is in charge." "So this is what we're gonna do, the brave thing." "We're gonna get the hell out of here and go stand in the front yard." "Let's go!" "Fear not!" "This looks like a job that would be good for it to be done by Zorn!" " LINDA:" "Oh, my God." " Oh, man, Meka-Zorn" " makes that seem easy." " Nobody cares!" " Let's go!" "Look!" " Hurry up!" "All right, let's see what we got here." " Just got to bypass the old bomb mode." " It didn't work when I tried it." " Exiting bomb mode." " Yes!" " [low voice] Entering kill mode." " Zorn!" "ALAN:" "No!" "Dad!" "What did you do!" "Okay, relax, everybody." "That's just a bug in the O.S." "I should have done an update instead of hitting" ""remind me later" every day for the last two months." "Now all I have to do is defeat him in combat, which I've done, like, a thousand times..." " Zorn!" "Whoa!" " Ah!" "[screams] [grunting]" "ZORN:" "Craig, Alangulon, listen to me... it's up to you now to fight Meka-Zorn." "And yes, in battling an evil nemesis, you will have a bonding experience that will bring you even closer." "One of you will die." "Craig, I'm almost certain it's gonna be you." "But that's only because I programmed him to do that." "[muffled] Meka-Zorn!" "Hey, Meka-Zorn!" "And after that, Alangulon and I will bond over your memory and become stronger, the father and son that we were always meant to... [heavy thud] Ugh!" "[growing weaker] I am Zorn..." "CRAIG:" "Yeah, we did it!" "[whoops]" "ALAN/CRAIG:" "Kill-basa, baby!" " Whoo!" "Score!" " Oh, come on, now, did you get him wet?" "If you get him wet, it voids the warranty." "EDIE:" "Skipping school to get a video game?" "Did you really think that's okay?" "And you, Zorn, skipping work to do something with your kid, or something?" "Well, you guys did bring a bomb into the house." " Hey, at least I didn't kiss it." " LINDA:" "Hey!" "ALAN:" "I getit ." "We shouldn't have lied." "Is there something maybe we could do to make it up to you?" " Honestly, Alan?" " Pizza." " You could get us pizza." " Hawaiian." "Hey, Dad, you want to go with me to get a pizza?" " It'd be, like, a quest." " Really?" "You mean that?" " Yeah." " Well, in that case, Clawthor the Taloned One can show us the way to the pizza parlor." "[screeches] [screeches, thump] Oh!" "I am not gonna even pretend that I'm sad that that bird is dead." "It tried to fly away with me." "[electric fart]" "Are you lost, maiden?" "Zorn will protec-tec-tec-tec-tec-tect you." "[distorting] I am Zorn..." "Zo-o-o-orn..." "See you in hell, Vul-Vul-Vul-Vul-Vul..." "I am..." "Zorn will protect you." "[crickets chirping]" "I am... [farts] Zorn." "Nobody is planning a sneak attack."