"{\move(10,10,190,230,100,400)\fad(0,1000)\fscx25\fscy25\t(0,6000,\fscx125\fscy125)\cH000000\3cH00FFFF}anoXmous" "When did it start?" "At 0500." "We're seven minutes in." "Okay, Private Miller, you've been smoking Item 9 for seven minutes and 13 seconds." "We're going to ask you several questions." "How do you feel?" "MILLER:" "Well, sir, uh," "I feel like a..." "Like a slice of butter, melting on top of a big old pile of flapjacks." "Yeah." "Okay, Private Miller, when you think of your superiors, what emotions do you feel?" "[IMITATING DRU MS PLAYING]" "[MILLER IMITATING TRUMPET PLAYING]" "Okay, Private Miller?" "[IMITATING DRU MS PLAYING]" "Is this normal?" "Okay, Private..." "Okay, Private Miller?" "Private Miller." "[IMITATING TRUMPET PLAYING]" "Answer the question." "[COUGHING]" "MILLER:" "Mm." "This went out, sir." "Can, uh...?" "Can you torch me?" "We'll send someone in." "Holy bejesus!" "[LAUGHS]" "SCIENTIST:" "Private Miller, answer the question." "What was the question again, sir?" "When you think of your superiors, what emotions do you feel?" "You know what problem I have with your fucking little dog-and-pony act you call the military?" "Here it is." "One:" "Lots of dudes." "Where are the boobies?" "Two:" "Why are we underground right now, sir?" "Why can't we be out in the open?" "Why aren't we in a square right now?" "Why aren't we talking to people, letting them know Item 9 exists?" "Get it out." "Shout off the rooftops:" ""This is great!" "This is the bee's knees, Item 9!"" "Private, we need you to be serious." "I'm serious." "Your dick, my mouth." "That's inappropriate." "[GRUNTING]" "Fuck you!" "I've seen enough." "Shut it down." "Bury the hatch." "Sell the land." "And dispose of him." "This never happened." "MILLER:" "Dude, what happened to your eye?" "Hello." "Bleep, blorp, bleep, bleep, blurp, blurp." "Can you guys understand me?" "Hey." "Hey, where we going?" "This is General Bratt." "[GUNSHOT]" "We've reached a final conclusion on Item 9." "Illegal!" "MAN [ON RADIO]:" "Hey, this is Sam." "Good morning." "Welcome to KRAD." "MAN [ON RADIO]:" "Hey, this is Sam." "Good morning." "Welcome to KRAD." "You know, I think that last cal/er had some undeniable points." "But right now, we're gonna get to the next cal/er, Dale Denton." "Hey, Sam." "Big huge fan." "First-time caller." "Here's my piece." "Al/ right." "If marijuana is not legal within the next five years," "I have no faith left in humanity, period." "Everyone likes smoking weed." "They have for thousands of years." "They're not gonna stop anytime soon." "You know?" "DALE:" "Lt makes everything better." "Makes food better." "Makes music better." "It makes sex feel better, for God's sakes." "It makes shitty movies better, you know?" "[EDDY GRANT'S "ELECTRIC AVENUE" PLAYING]" "[DOORBELL RINGS]" "Hi there." "Are you Sandra Danby?" "Yeah." "Well, I'm Garth from Global Saviors, and, uh..." "What is this?" "I'm just joking." "You failed to show up for your divorce proceedings like four times under court order, and you've been served." "Oh, great." "Thanks a lot, asshole." "Sorry." "DALE:" "I'm just saying love has no age." "You can't instantly tell me that a man, because he's a certain age, can't marry a woman or love a woman." "I'm dating a high-school girl." "WOMAN [ON RADIO]:" "You're not maximizing your potential, baby." "You honestly think this girl takes you seriously?" "No, but if I'm 25 and the girl is 18 years old, you know, in society, that might look bad." "Hey, as long as it's consensual." "I think it's consensual." "Yo, you been served." "You've been served." "[IN DEEP VOICE] You've been served." "[IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] You've been served." "[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]" "Walter Wadska the third." "You here to fix the fax machine?" "No, I'm here to tell you you owe MasterCard 4068 bucks." "You've been served by the best, my friend." "Keep it real." "Why don't you get a real job, you fucking cocksucker?" "[ALL SINGING "ELECTRIC AVENUE"]" "Hey, "Electric Avenue." I know, right?" "Take that shit to the next level, eh?" "Okay, I will." "[BOTH SPEAK IN SPANISH]" "Dr. Edgar Terrence?" "Yes." "You have repeatedly refused to trim the monkey tree that spills onto your neighbor's property." "And now because of that, you've been served." "Oh, you're a jerk." "DALE:" "All this current system is doing is putting money in the hands of criminals, and it's making ordinary people like you and me deal with those criminals." "Have you ever dealt with a drug dealer?" "It's terrible, it's weird, it's awkward." "They kind of think they're your friend, but they're not your friend." "MAN [ON RADIO]:" "All right, Dale, I get your point." "Thanks for your input." "Next cal/er, please." "[DALE GARGLING "ELECTRIC AVEN U E"]" "[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]" "I can't come." "What?" "Why the fuck not, Dale?" "I just..." "Look, I can't come, okay?" "I just..." "I have a lot of stuff to do tomorrow." "It's just a bad day for me." "Jesus Christ, Dale." "When were you gonna tell me that?" "I'm telling you right now." "That's fucking ridiculous." "My mom has been shopping all day." "Well, why has she been shopping all day?" "She's already planning on couscous." "I said I might be able to go, so why is she doing that already?" "Now I look like an asshole." "You are one." "Oh, come on, don't say that." "I just can't go." "I have a job, okay?" "Fine. _ "Fine"?" "Don't come." "I don't care." "If you don't care, then why have you been inviting me?" "I thought you wanted me to go." "Because if you don't wanna meet them, I don't want you to meet them." "I want to meet them." "I just can't." "I have a job." "I'm sorry." "What do you want from me?" "I just know they'll like you, that's all." "You're great, and you're funny, and you're sexy." "I just want them to see that." "You want them to see that I'm sexy?" "HEM People?" "Hi, Mr. Edwards." "Can I help you?" "No, I'm good." "Thank you, though." "Yeah?" "I see you don't have a visitor's badge." "That's why I ask." "I'm, uh, with her, actually." "Yeah." "Actually, this is my boyfriend." "Mm-hm." "I heard that." "I wish I didn't hear that, but I just heard that." "What's that supposed to mean?" "I'm just wondering why, uh, you don't date a nice guy your own age." "She's very mature for her age." "Yeah." "Angie, hey." "How's it going?" "Hey." "Hey, Clark, how you doing, man?" "What's up?" "I'm good, bro." "I'm good." "Good." "All right." "CLARK:" "Dude, I wanted to tell you." "You were hilarious today in drama class." "Seriously, your Jeff Goldblum impression made me pee my pants." "Ah!" "I Wish." "Oh, hey, uh, I almost forgot." "Last week when we worked out, you forgot your shorts in my car." "Oh, yeah." "Here you go." "ANGIE:" "Thanks." "Yeah, no problem, no problem, no problem." "Can you hold those?" "Yeah." "Yeah." "How's it going, Sporty Spice?" "Oh, this is my boyfriend, Dale." "Hey, nice to meet you." "Yeah." "You too." "Dude, I've heard so much about you." "You're real cool." "I mean, you're great." "Yeah." "Yeah, awesome." "Anyways, yeah, dude, next year." "Next year college, man." "College." "Whoo!" "Yeah, dude, it's gonna be kick-ass." "I will watch her back for you." "Because I know there's, like, tons of guys that are gonna be trying to get on that shit." "Oh, good." "Because I got that..." "Yeah." "Oh, you got her ass?" "Perfect." "No, no, I mean..." "I'll watch her ass for..." "Good." "He's trying to be nice." "I'll catch you at Home Ec, okay?" "All right." "Ah, you guys got Home Ec together too." "That's cool." "Yeah, yeah." "We got a few Classes together." "Good." "Nice to meet you, man." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Time to suck today's dick." "That's what I'm talking about." "That's right." "Suck it." "Hey, I'll see you guys later." "All right, Clark." "Clark's a great guy, man." "He's totally gonna take care of Angela, man." "He's great." "He's a wonderful lab partner, so it's gonna be cool." "He'll keep an eye on her." "Why don't you go fuck yourself, you Weird little prick?" "I'm a teacher, okay?" "You can't talk to me like that, guy." "I'm not a student, so I can say whatever the fuck I want, you chimp-fucking little bastard." "Actually, you know..." "Oh, real..." "Okay, you've got T-minus 30 seconds." "Fuck you." "Fuck you." "To get off school property or I Call the police-liaison officer." "We're leaving, actually." "I'm sorry." "Twenty-nine, twen..." "Thanks for being so cool." "Middle finger won't stop the clock." "Twenty-six..." "What a jerk." "What's that guy's problem?" "Jesus." "I don't..." "Normally he's..." "That's really Weird." "You know what, I'd love to have dinner with you and your parents tomorrow night." "I'm gonna go." "I'll definitely go." "I'll shuffle some things around..." "Really?" "Really?" "Yeah, I'll be there for sure." "Yeah, I wanna show them you're in good hands." "Yeah." "I got nothing to be embarrassed about." "Thank you." "That means so much to me and my parents." "Oh, no problem." "Ah, it's gonna be awesome." "[LINE RINGING]" "MAN [OVER PHONE]:" "Hel/o?" "Hey, Saul." "Mind if I come by?" "Come on down." "Sweet." "Be there." "Hi, Mary." "Hi." "I thought the hurricane season was over." "I thought hurricane season was over." "Oh, I'm sorry, but things just got out of hand." "Yeah, that's the way it was with my first husband." "[LAUGHING]" "[KNOCKING ON DOOR]" "Hello?" "Hey, man." "What the fuck, man?" "I didn't buzz you in." "How the monkey did you get in here?" "Oh, shit." "Some guy with a fauxhawk let me in, man." "He was leaving when I was..." "Fucking Kyle, man." "It might have been Kyle." "Asshole." "I'm sorry, man." "What the fuck's the buzzer for anyway?" "I don't know." "I'm sorry about that." "I don't know your protocol yet." "Ah, stuff your sorries in a sack, bro." "It's not your fault." "Okay." "Okay." "It's these jerk-offs." "Have a Seat." "Okay, cool." "Thanks, man." "Awesome." "Yo, check this out." "[MOONDOG AND THE LONDON SAXOPHONIC'S "BIRD'S LAMENT" PLAYING ON RADIO]" "Eh?" "Satellite radio." "Wow." "Got two TVs and radio." "That's pretty rad." "That's home entertainment." "You're very entertained." "Oh, wow." "You got a cute picture too." "SAUL Oh, yeah." "Me and my bubbe." "Hey, let me ask you something." "Yeah?" "Do you think you could pull the plug on someone if you needed to?" "Like, euthanasia?" "DALE:" "Like, on her?" "If I needed to." "Um..." "I'm kind of in a hurry, man." "I don't know if we should start going down that road." "Yeah." "Okay." "I could talk all day about euthanasia." "You know, don't get me started." "Maybe we should just..." "We'll save it." "We'll save it for next time." "I'll take that rain check, buddy." "We'll keep it going, okay?" "Business for the businessman." "Yeah, you got my number." "Cool." "Okay." "SAUL:" "Brass tacks." "DALE:" "Yes, yes." "Just got a shipment of the dopest dope I've ever smoked." "Hands down, dopest dope I've ever smoked." "It's not better than the Blue Oyster weed." "It can't be." "I can't handle that." "My friend, this is like if that Blue Oyster shit met that Afghan Kush I had, and they had a baby." "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "And then meanwhile, that crazy Northern Lights stuff I had and the Super Red Especial Snowflake met and had a baby." "Oh, that was the bomb." "And by some miracle, those two babies met and fucked, this would be the shit that they birthed." "Wow." "Yes." "This is the product of baby fucking." "Smell it." "Okay." "Smell it." "Enjoy." "It's like God's vagina." "[MOANS]" "What, you wanna bathe in it?" "I just wanna live in here." "Yes." "You wanna be it?" "Gh, my God, I just wanna shove it up my nose and have that smell all day." "That's amazing." "Shove it anywhere you like." "It's beautiful." "What's it called?" "Pineapple Express." "Pineapple Express." "Yes." "It's this thing, like, El Niño." "This airflow that comes from Hawaii and Canada." "And it gets the dirt, mixes it in with the weed in a very special way." "It's actually very scientific." "I won't go into it right now." "But I am the only guy in the whole city that has it." "Only 10 bones more for a quarter." "Okay, I'll take a quarter." "All right, you're on." "Thank you very much." "Let me get my scale." "Get it going." "Grab the scale." "Let's get me out of here." "I thought hurricane season was over." "Oh, crow." "[DANNY AND THE VELAIRES' "SHAGGY DOG" PLAYING ON RADIO]" "Where are you, you little fucker?" "What the fuck is this thing?" "Ah!" "Cross joint." "Yeah." "You ever smoke one of those?" "You can smoke this?" "Hell, yeah, man." "No." "This is the future." "This is, like, the apex of the vortex of joint engineering." "It's rumored that M. M. O'Shaughnessy designed the first one." "The guy who, uh, designed the Golden Gate Bridge." "Of course, of course." "My second favorite Civil engineer, behind Hannskarl Bandel, Madison Square Garden." "What you do is you light all three ends at the same time." "Really?" "And then the smoke converges, creating a trifecta of joint-smoking power." "This is it, man." "This is what your grandchildren are gonna be smoking." "Future." "The future." "That's amazing." "Well, got the weed?" "Yeah." "In the bag." "Beautiful." "Okay." "Be careful with that thing, man." "Here's the cash, grab the stash." "Alrighty, man, thanks." "Have a good one." "Don't hurt yourself." "Adios." "Well, hey, wait a minute, man." "Let's smoke this fucking thing." "I really..." "I Can't, man." "I gotta..." "I can't even light this thing on my own." "Yeah, I need your help, man." "I'm in." "Come on!" "Why not?" "Let's do it." "Yeah!" "Come on down!" "Why not?" "What do I do?" "Okay, here's what you do." "Wow." "You equip yourself." "I'm equipping." "Equip me, sir." "Ckay." "Now..." "Nice." "Okay." "You are going to light these two ends while I light this end." "Okay." "Okay." "Are you ready?" "Ready." "Blast off." "[GRACE JONES' "RING OF FIRE" PLAYING ON RADIO]" "[COUGHING]" "Aah!" "I'm gonna do it." "Good." "Go for it." "[GRUNTING]" "Yeah..." "Ah..." "[COUGHING]" "It's better to cough." "It'S like..." "Makes you 10 times more higher than the cross weed and the Pineapple Express, man." "You're like, totally fucking Gong Show/ed, man." "Ooh-ah!" "[BOTH PANTING]" "[INTERCOM BUZZING]" "Oh, fuck." "Hang on one second, man." "Oh, you fucker." "[IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] Who is it?" "MAN:" "Hey, man, it's Chris Gebert, man." "Let me up." "Oh, shit." "DALE:" "What's a Gebert?" "Come on up." "He ain't getting any of that Pineapple Express." "Chris is getting Snicklefritz." "[KNOCKING ON DOOR]" "[DALE COUGHING]" "Hey." "So listen, man." "I gotta ask you." "So..." "Listen, man." "You've been buying from me for, like, two months, right?" "Two months." "I gotta ask, man." "What's up with the suit?" "I'm a process server." "So I have to wear a suit." "Wow, you're a servant?" "Like a butler?" "A chauffeur?" "No." "No." "What?" "No, I'm not, like..." "Shine shoes?" "I'm a process server." "I like..." "In process." "I work for a company that's, like, hired by lawyers to, like, hand out legal documents." "Like subpoenas to people who don't want them." "Subpoenas." "So I gotta wear, like, disguises sometimes just to make them admit that they're themselves so I can serve them the papers." "Disguise." "Kind of, I guess." "It's a hell of a job." "That's cool, man." "Like a day-to-day basis, it's fine." "Like today, I, like, sat in my car," "I smoked, like, 10 doobies, and then, like, went to go visit my girlfriend at lunch." "Nice." "Like:" "What?" "You sucked on her titties?" "Yeah, it was badass." "No, I just kissed her." "I just did that to make it seem cool." "That's cool." "Does she like to smoke weed?" "Um, a little sometimes." "She has a couple..." "She's in high school, so, you know, as much as any high-school kid." "She's cool as hell, actually." "You'd probably get along with her." "Really?" "I guess." "Yeah, you know, it only sucks because when I go visit her in high school and all the guys she goes to school with are, like, strong and, like, handsome and really, like, funny." "Like, do good impressions of Jeff Goldblum and shit like that." "And, like, I just feel like a fat, dumb, fucking stinky ass-turd when I'm there." "What?" "It really... it sucks for my ego." "Fuck Jeff Goldblum, man." "That's what I say." "You know, don't get down on yourself." "You got a great girl." "You got a great job where you don't do anything." "You get to smoke weed all day." "I wish I had that." "Are you kidd...?" "You do." "You have the easiest job on Earth." "You do smoke weed all day." "That's true." "You didn't think of that." "No." "I do have a good job." "Yeah, you do nothing." "Thanks, man." "Thank you." "No prob." "[KNOCKING ON DOOR]" "Oh, shit." "All right." "Business." "[SHAQUILLE O'NEAL'S "(I KNOW I GOT) SKILLZ" PLAYING ON RADIO]" "Got my persona." "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "Hey." "Put that cross joint out, man." "He sees that, he'll never get the fuck out of here." "Okay." "What's up, Chris?" "MAN:" "Yo, hey, Saul." "Hey." "How you doing, buddy?" "All right, homes." "Good." "Who's this?" "CHRIS:" "Hey. 0h, that's my friend Mark." "You got the dough?" "There you go." "Appreciate it." "Nice." "Good to meet you, Mark." "Hey, Saul." "Do you have any Percocet, please?" "Percocet?" "What are you talking about, man?" "I don't sell that shit." "Chris." "Chris." "You told him I was gonna sell Percocet?" "I didn't say anything about Percocet." "What the fuck, man?" "What the fuck?" "I just wanted a couple Percocets." "Well, I..." "You came to the wrong place, my friend." "Wrong place." "Sorry." "Yeah, nice." "Peace out, homes." "Thank..." "God." "What the fuck?" "Yeah." "Fucking lingerer, man." "Yeah, totally." "Lingerer." "Fuck." "Hardcore." "[FALCO'S "DER KOMMISSAR" PLAYING ON RADIO]" "Bums me out." "Bums me out too." "If there's one quality I hate in a person, ifsüngenng." "That's right." "You and me both." "Yeah, yeah." "Hey, so I'm curious." "What have those people done that you go and process and service?" "Um, I don't know." "It's always something different, I guess." "This guy..." "Ted Jones, who knows." "You know?" "Whoa." "Ted Jones?" "Yeah, why?" "My guy, Red, who I buy from, he gets his stuff from a Ted Jones." "Really?" "Maybe it's the same guy." "That'd be weird." "It's a pretty normal name, lguess, but..." "Anyway, I should really get going, man." "I gotta go." "Duty calls, but it's good to see you." "Thanks." "What?" "You're gonna smoke and run?" "Come on, man." "We can go look at some crazy things on the Internet together." "Ah, that sounds appealing, but you know what?" "I'll tell..." "Here..." "You know..." "I'm gonna run out of weed in a couple days." "I'll just come by, we'll hang out." "We'll watch 227 and shit, and, uh..." "Oh, definitely." "Cool, man." "Well, thanks." "All right, man." "Good to see you." "All right." "Peace, brother." "Okay." "Yeah." "One love." "MAN [ON RADIO]:" "When you got behind on the mortgage." "I guess someone finally made you a loan?" "WOMAN:" "Yes, he did." "MAN:" "Yes, he did." "What was the interest rate you got?" "WOMAN:" "Lt was 12 or 13 percent." "MAN:" "That's disgusting." "[CYPRESS HILL'S "DR. GREENTHUMB" PLAYS ON CELL PHONE]" "Hello?" "ANGIE:" "Hel/o." "Hey, Angie, what's happening?" "Hey, I just talked to my mom, and they are so excited that you're coming for dinner." "[mean, like, so excited." "And so am I, but we're all really excited." "Thank you so much." "No problem." "I'm psyched too." "It's gonna be awesome." "Couscous." "The food so nice, they named it twice." "Um, Dale, anyway, look, I can't wait for next year when this bullshit's over." "Oh, shit." "I see the guy I gotta serve." "I'll call you back." "Fucking cops." "Shit." "[J'J".r]" "Jesus." "What an adorable little cop." "Weird." "[GUNSHOT]" "Jesus." "Fuck." "What the fuck was that?" "Oh, shit." "Dude." "Dude." "Dude." "Dude." "Oh, no!" "[COUGHING]" "Drive, drive." "Who the fuck is that?" "I don't know, but I ain't waiting to see." "[J'J".r]" "[COUGHING AND SCREAMING]" "Pineapple Express." "DALE:" "Gh, my God!" "Oh, my God!" "Gh, my God!" "Oh, my God!" "I saw brains and blood!" "Come on!" "Come on!" "Where do I go?" "[INTERCOM BUZZING]" "[GARGLES]" "Hello?" "Saul, it's Dale." "Let me in." "Let me in." "I just saw some crazy shit, man." "Please, for the love of God, let me in." "It's Dale Denton." "Let me in, man." "Dale?" "Yes, Dale." "That's what I said." "It's Dale." "Dale." "Let me in." "Oh, all right, man." "Come on up." "[DOOR BUZZES]" "[INTERCOM BUZZES]" "I buzzed it." "Open the door when I buzz it." "Buzz it in three seconds exactly." "One, two..." "[DOOR BUZZES]" "Did it work?" "On three!" "I did it on three." "On "one, two, three, go"?" "Just on three." "[DOOR BUZZES]" "[J'J".r]" "[DOOR OPENS]" "He fucking killed him, man!" "Hey, I got neighbors." "He fucking killed him." "What?" "Who killed who?" "A cop." "A lady and a guy." "A cop, a lady and a guy, man?" "That's like a massacre." "No, no." "No, it was just a guy." "You saw it?" "What happened to the lady?" "No." "No." "A woman." "A policewoman and a guy, another guy, shot another guy, an Asian guy, in the window, at fucking Ted's house." "Whoa, was the other guy Ted?" "I don't know." "He was a big, gray-haired man, and he had a robe and he fucking took a gun and he shot him." "And his brain fucking flew every..." "I'm gonna be..." "I'm gonna throw up." "What?" "Oh!" "Sick." "That was Chicken fries." "You threw up on my printer." "Ew." "I did." "Did you break it?" "I hope not." "Listen, man." "I think the guy was Ted." "And the Asians are number two in town, so you saw Ted capping the competition." "They saw me." "They saw me seeing them shoot the guy." "What?" "They saw you?" "And you fucking came here?" "Did they follow you here?" "No." "No." "I don't know." "Did they follow you here?" "I don't know." "Look." "Look." "Okay." "Here's what happened." "I saw them kill him." "I freaked out." "I panicked, okay?" "Yeah." "Yeah." "Yeah." "I tossed my roach." "I crashed into two cars." "Yeah." "So they would've heard..." "So they must have heard..." "They know someone was out there." "They know someone saw." "They know "someone."" "They don't know it was you." "Right?" "I don't..." "I mean, yeah." "I don't know." "Yes." "Yes." "I hope not." "Relax." "Just sit back." "Get ready to enjoy some of the rarest weed known to mankind." "Is it really that rare?" "It's, like, the rarest." "It's almost a shame to smoke it." "It's like killing a unicorn with, like, a bomb." "[J'J".r]" "Are you the only guy in town who has this?" "You're actually the only guy?" "Yeah." "My guy Red said he was giving me an exclusive sneak preview." "And am I the only guy who you sold it to?" "The other guys got Snicklefritz?" "Yeah." "So we're, like, the only guys." "And Red got this from Ted?" "Ted's the man." "Let's get the fuck out of here, man!" "Go!" "Go!" "Let's go!" "Let's go!" "Why?" "Go!" "Because I threw a roach of this outside of Ted's house." "So what, man?" "I throw roaches all over fucking town." "No, no, no!" "He could find the roach and say, "It's Pineapple Express in here."" "Saul is the only guy who has Pineapple Express." ""He must have seen the murder or know!" "Let's fucking kill him!"" "Let's get out of here!" "Oh, fuck!" "Wait, wait!" "Stop, stop!" "Mother of fuck!" "What?" "Get weed!" "Get the weed!" "Okay." "Anything we might need." "Snacks, food, Fruit Roll-Ups." "Let's get the fuck out of here!" "Okay, okay." "[J'J".r]" "[J'J".r]" "Red said he'd be here." "Hyahg." "Mmm!" "Them some drugs." "Smells like vomit in this house." "Want a hit, man?" "It's still lit." "I'm having dinner with my wife." "She can always tell." "Smell it on my sweater." "For real?" "Yeah, for real." "You wanna wear my vest?" "It smell good." "Not my style." "You ain't got no style, motherfucker." "FEMALE VOICE:" "You have reached the voice mailbox of..." "TED:" "Ted." "Ted, it's Budlofsky." "We're here." "Saul's gone." "And Mathe..." "[COUGHING]" "And Matheson." "Yeah, I think he knew we were coming." "They not here, Ted." "Hi, Ted." "DALE:" "Ckay, what do you know about Ted?" "[J'J".r]" "Um, I think he's, like, crazy about murdering." "Well, that's not good." "Where the hell are we gonna go?" "Let's just go..." "Let's go to a motel or, like, a hotel or a Holiday Inn and just hide out." "No, no, no." "The police were in on it." "They could have flagged our credit cards." "No, no, no." "They'll find us." "Shit." "I wish we could just go nowhere." "Okay." "Even if he found that roach, how could he know where you are?" "Um..." "Heat-seeking missiles." "Um..." "Bloodhounds." "Foxes." "Barracudas." "I'm just..." "I'm kind of flabbergasted when you say things like that." "It's weird." "Thank you." "Not a compliment." "Here's the question." "Let's say he actually found the roach." "How could he connect the Pineapple Express weed to you?" "He can't, man." "Only fucking Red knows." "Only Red knows, man." "Who is Red?" "Red's, like, the middleman between, like, Ted and me." "And we're, like, mad fucking tight, man." "One time, he got this girl to give me a hand job, like, within five minutes of meeting her." "It was like, "I don't even know your name, whoa."" "That is pretty rad, but, like, let's say Ted calls him and is like," ""Hey, did you sell the Pineapple Express to anyone?"" "He'll be, "Yeah, I sold it to Saul." Because why wouldn't he, you know?" "No." "Oh, no." "Fuck that, man." "Fucking hand job, Dale." "I mean, imagine if I gave you a hand job." "Why would I wanna do that?" "No, I mean, like, if I got you a hand job." "Yeah, but the same rules don't apply to Red." "He's a drug dealer." "I'm a drug dealer." "Are you saying you don't trust me?" "No, that's not at all what I'm..." "You know what?" "You know?" "Just ignore what I said." "Call him." "Give him a call." "See what the dealio is." "[PHONE RINGS]" "[SMACK] [MAN GRUNTS]" "Hello." "SAUL:" "Hey, Red, you okay?" "Yeah, yeah, Saul." "Yeah, I'm fine, man." "I just stubbed my toe." "Gh." "Well, be careful, man." "Be careful." "Wear shoes in the house." "Safety." "Safety first, then teamwork." "Now, listen." "You know that Pineapple Express stuff you gave me?" "Hey." "Oh, motherfucker!" "Don't tell anybody that you sold it to me." "I would never talk to anyone about your..." "The stuff that I do with you involving drugs." "All right, cool." "Now, listen, I'm gonna come by." "I gotta lay some shit on you." "Check this out." "There is a fly in the ointment." "No, no, no." "Shit has hit the fan." "The lion will Speak." "I'm in the middle of a convo." "Please." "No, seriously." "Listen, we're gonna be over there in like half an hour." "Perfect." "No, please." "No, no, no." "Let's just go over there and chill out, man." "No, man, come on, can we go tomorrow?" "Look, we're already here..." "There's somebody else." "There's somebody else on the phone with him." "Who's he talking to?" "I don't know." "He's whispering to another man." "We'll go in the morning." "It's better that way." "Okay." "Yes." "Yes." "Thank you." "Yes." "Hey." "So you're coming by tomorrow?" "How'd you know that?" "Yeah, I just heard you whispering to that other guy that you were talking to." "Who is that?" "Oh." "Right, Dale." "Good job." "Listen, I can't go in the morning, because my bubbe..." "I gotta change her clocks." "Daylight-savings." "Yeah, is that the bubbe that's on 41st and River Street?" "The one where we played that shuffleboard that one time?" "You got it." "So, listen, we'll be chilling by noon, all right?" "Noon it is, bromosexual." "Nice." "Hey, we should hit up the casino again, man." "It's been a while." "Okay, yeah." "We'/I definitely hit the casino up." "Definitely." "All right, peace, brother." "I should call Angie soon." "Make up some bullshit." "I'm cold." "You're cold?" "Oh, I'm not cold at all." "Here." "I run hot." "Really?" "Yeah." "You got more body mass." "Thick blood." "Yeah, no, take it." "Aw, thank you." "I don't appreciate that, but it's okay." "I'm gonna call Angie." "Hmm." "Space." "[J'J".r]" "Dale, wait." "Wait." "What?" "What?" "What?" "The phones." "The phones." "You said they were cops, right?" "They are cops, yeah." "So I'm just thinking, like, maybe they can, um, triangulate these things, man, or, like, you know, like, trace them." "Right?" "That's how they got Saddam." "Right, right, right." "Fuck." "You're right, man." "Well, maybe they can, like, even trace them, like, when we're not even on them, you know?" "Maybe if we bury them under the dirt, the reception will get cut off and they won't be able to do it." "We could tie it to an animal, it'd be, like, a diversion." "We'll never catch an animal." "The squirrel'd be up in the tree, and they'd think we were in the tree." "No, no, no." "We'll build a hot-air balloon and..." "No." "No." "We'll Smash them." "Yeah, yeah." "I'm gonna smash it." "On a rock." "Right here." "Good thinking." "Okay, good idea." "Yes, destroy it." "Ha!" "Die." "Yes." "Yeah, get it." "Whoa!" "What the fuck was that?" "I was trying to hit that tree." "I missed." "What tree?" "That one." "Why didn't you smash it on a rock like a normal person?" "Like I did?" "I don't know." "How often does somebody smash things?" "I'm rusty." "Oh, man!" "Did you at least see where it landed?" "I don't know." "Call it." "Call it?" "With what?" "My phone has been smashed." "Well..." "You know what?" "I bet they can't even triangulate those things." "Well, you shouldn't have said anything." "Now you convinced me they can." "You were very convincing back there." "Hey." "Fine." "I'll go find it." "Fuck." "DALE:" "Do you see it?" "SAUL:" "See what?" "DALE:" "The phone, you idiot." "SAUL:" "Why are we here?" "This place is so fucking scary." "At least I had an idea." "You didn't have any ideas, so shut up." "That's not true." "I had two ideas." "Nowhere and Quiznos." "DALE:" "Shh!" "What was that?" "SAUL:" "What?" "What?" "What?" "DALE:" "What is that?" "Shh, shh!" "I hear something." "Shush, shush, shush." "SAUL What?" "DALE:" "I don't know." "Just shush." "Do you hear that?" "Dude, I literally hear nothing." "Oh, fuck!" "What are you doing?" "Where are you going?" "What are you running from?" "Return to me now!" "[MOUNTAIN'S "DON'T LOOK AROUND" PLAYING]" "Help me!" "Tell him to get away from me!" "I'm scared of this darkness!" "I surrender!" "SAUL:" "Go away!" "Go away!" "DALE:" "I'm unarmed!" "[SCREAMING]" "DALE:" "This isn't funny anymore!" "SAUL:" "Dale!" "DALE:" "Fall back!" "SAUL:" "Save me!" "[YELLS]" "[BOTH GRUNTING]" "[YELLING]" "Oh, shit." "Car." "[SCREAMS]" "Open it!" "Open it!" "Open the door!" "Open it!" "Just unlock it." "I can't unlock it." "What are you doing, man?" "Watch the upholstery." "Go!" "Let's go!" "I saw something!" "No!" "What did you see?" "I saw a forest Creature!" "Just shut up!" "Shut the fuck..." "Shut up, man!" "Shush!" "What was that?" "I heard something, then I saw something." "You didn't hear anything, man." "Well, I saw something." "MAN 1 [ON RADIO]:" "And you're telling me that guy in the little short shorts broke your nose?" "MAN 2:" "Right." "MAN 1:" "The BeDazzler guy broke your nose, tough man?" "[DALE SNORES]" "Wake up." "Get up." "Wake up." "Whoa." "How did I get on you?" "I wonder." "Ah." "Watch finally broke." "Crazy." "What time is it?" "That can't be right." "It couldn't be 3 in the morning, could it?" "It's 3:00 right now?" "Holy shit, man!" "We were supposed to be at Red's at noon, man." "What if he's gone?" "What if we don't get any information?" "No, it's daylight-savings, 30..." "So it's only 2:00." "Oh, no, it went forward an hour." "It's 4 o'-fucking-Clock?" "Fuck me." "No, man." "That's bad." "Shit." "We slept for, like, 18 hours." "My bubbe..." "Man, my bubbe's gonna be so pissed." "Shit." "We gotta call Red." "Qkay." "How?" "We'll go to a pay phone." "No, I can't." "His number is in my phone." "Great." "Well, do you remember where he lives?" "Yeah, I know where he lives." "What are you insinuating?" "Like, I'm forgetful?" ""Insinuating." Good word." "Do you know what that means?" "I do know what that means, believe it or not." "It means, like, "to seem like."" "[ENGINE CLICKING]" "Let's roll, man." "I'm done with the woods." "Let's go." "Come on, man, let's get the fuck out of here." "Okay, uh, let's go." "No." "It's not working." "The battery's dead." "Wait." "What do you mean, it's dead?" "What do I mean?" "The bat..." "I mean the battery's dead." "The battery's dead." "What do you mean, the battery's dead?" "How Can I explain this to you differently?" "The battery is dead." "It ceased to live." "It's deceased now." "The car needs a battery to start, Saul." "How did this happen?" "Well, we clearly fell asleep with the battery on, and..." "Oh, man." "To talk radio?" "Yes, talk radio." "It's so boring, man." "Okay, okay." "The carjust committed suicide." "Shut up, man." "I have an idea now." "We're gonna go." "We'll walk back to the road." "We'll hitchhike." "Someone will pick us up, that guy'll take us to Red's." "Red will tell us that everything's fine, and everything will go back to normal." "How does that sound?" "Does that sound good?" "That's a good idea." "Keep our heads on straight on, man." "If we just keep thinking like this, we're fucking gravy." "All right." "I'm in." "Let's do it." "Can I have myjacket back, please?" "Yeah." "Thank you." "Thank you." "Thanks for taking care of it." "[ARTHUR LYMAN'S "HIILAWE" PLAYING]" "Hey, look, it's like my thumb is my cock." "That's not gonna get us a ride, man." "[HUMBLE PIE'S "THE FIXER" PLAYING ON CAR RADIO]" "SAUL Here's good." "Thanks for the smooth samng, ShaHd." "You're welcome." "DALE:" "So you're sure we can trust this guy?" "SAUL Yo, Red." "[DOORBELL RINGS]" "[IN DEEP VOICE] Who is it?" "SAUL [IN DEEP VOICE]:" "It's Bruce." "[IN NORMAL VOICE] Bruce?" "Who the fuck is this?" "Saul." "What's up?" "[IN NORMAL VOICE] Who do you think it is, fool?" "Who's this?" "I'm Dale, Mr. Red." "Nice to meet you." "Dale who?" "You know, it's probably best if you don't know my full name." "Dale Denton." "Don't worry, he's with me." "Dale Denton." "Nice to meet you, bro." "Hold on." "Let me get this lock, okay?" "SAUL:" "You better." "Get in here." "SAUL:" "Coming in." "Y'all wanna buy some drugs?" "Frisk me." "Yeah." "What's up?" "What's up?" "Get it." "Get it." "Look at that, huh?" "What's UP, Plåyers?" "What's up?" "I've been up in here trying to get a motherfucking scholarship." "Chilling." "What's up with the Clothes?" "Oh, uh..." "We were camping." "Camping?" "SAUL:" "Yeah." "Is your lip okay, man?" "You been Crying?" "Oh, my..." "Oh, my lip." "Uh, it's a cold sore." "Never had one before, so I started to cry." "I think it's a lot worse than it looks, though." "It's, like, a simple kind of..." "Cold sore?" "Does that mean fucking herpes?" "Yeah." "Yeah." "Yes, it does." "Fucking sick, man." "Herpes." "You know how many joints we've shared?" "I know." "I'm a disgusting person." "Herpes is for life, bro." "Yeah, well, I'm gonna try to definitely put some sort of medical ointment on it." "I've been taking Vicodin." "That doesn't really take the swelling down though." "It's from that time." "I told you, man." "You wanted to eat that lollipop out of that stripper's snatch." "You wanted to do it." "Out of her vagina." "I know." "Remember what you did?" "What did you do?" "SAUL:" "Nothing." "You ate a box of Nerds out of her butthole." "SAUL:" "Oh!" "You fucking said you wouldn't tell." "You sowed your own poison, man." "Dudes, seriously, we're here for a reason." "Just ask him." "Chill, dude." "Chill." "I'm boiling some eggs over here." "That's great." "We got a lot of time to hang out." "I'm making a fucking Cake." "No shit." "Just ask him." "Can I have a piece of that?" "Don't ask for a piece." "I can't have a piece of that?" "No, you can't have a piece." "This is private." "Do you know what today is?" "Tuesday." "This is my cat's birthday today." "I don't see a cat in here." "I'm sorry." "We let it out by accident?" "No, because he died three months ago, okay?" "So now Who's the funny guy?" "Sorry." "All right?" "Today is his birthday, and it is a tradition that on his birthday" "I get up extra early and make him his favorite kind of dessert." "Don't worry, bro." "Your cat's going to heaven." "Yeah, maybe." "Maybe he went to heaven." "He was a little fucker." "He could've gone to hell." "DALE:" "What are we talk...?" "Guys..." "Ask him." "Just ask him, okay?" "Seriously." "Ask what?" "Just come straight." "What's up?" "Yeah, right." "What's going on." "Lay it on him, man." "Right." "We need to know..." "We need to know about your source." "Ted." "Ted Jones." "See, Dale, here, is a protest servant." "No, I'm not." "That's not what I am." "He's not that, but he was outside Ted's house..." "Whoa, whoa, whoa." "Don't..." "Look, we don't want to bring you in to what we're in, okay?" "You don't want any trouble." "We don't wanna give you trouble." "So it's probably best you don't know the whole story, okay?" "You don't think I can handle danger?" "DALE:" "What are you talking about?" "SAUL:" "You can." "I totally can." "And for you to come into my house and not tell secrets because you think you're Saving me, well, in reality, it just makes you look like a dumb-ass." "Ckay, because look at this." "See this?" "You see that?" "There's no hair under here, okay?" "DALE:" "What's the significance of that?" "It makes me aerodynamic when I fight." "I can take danger." "Ckay, has anyone called asking about Saul or the Pineapple Express or anything?" "That's all we need to know." "Uh-uh." "Mm-mm." "Uh-uh?" "Uh-uh." "DALE:" "Is it "uh-huh" or "uh-uh"?" "It's "uh-uh." SAUL:" "There it is, man." "Cleared." "Over." "Everything's fine." "I told you, bro." "We had a Wacky night in the woods, but we both can put that behind us like adults." "Now it's time to get super-duper high." "Got that bong I got you in Tel Aviv?" ""Bong Mitzvah." Hit it up, dude." "Yes." "There you go." "Why don't you follow his lead and just chill out, man?" "I'm chill." "I'm chill as a cucumber, man." "You don't seem chill." "More chill than you." "You're more chill than me?" "Yeah." "Look at what I'm wearing." "Kimono, dog." "What are you wearing?" "Suit." "Yeah." "Exactly." "I don't know what's up with you, but I don't know if I like you." "Well, I don't know if I like you either, man." "Well, that's your loss, because I'm a great friend." "I'm gonna use the te/efono to call my wife, okay?" "Give her a call." "I will." "Go ahead." "Don't pay attention to what I'm saying." "Oh, I won't." "[PHONE DIALING]" "Bullshit." "No, no, no." "Liar." "What are you doing, man?" "He's a liar." "He's lying to us, man." "He's lying to us." "No, he's not." "He knows my name." "He's acting weird." "We can't let him phone anyone, man." "No, you're freaking out, man." "You're paranoid." "Give him back his phone." "I do not trust you, sir." "SAUL:" "You're paranoid." "He's acting weird." "Red, I'm sorry, bro." "Oh!" "Jesus!" "Holy cock." "Fuck you!" "What are you doing, man?" "He's sorry." "Oh, Jesus." "Oh!" "Herpes!" "GW!" "I don't wanna have to do this." "Ow!" "Red, you're crazy, man." "You brought the devil into my house." "We're friends." "Yes, I know we are." "That's why it sucks." "Are you on that meth shit again?" "Dale, he's hurting me!" "RED:" "Let me do what I have to do." "DALE:" "Toilet." "Flush." "What we do in this life echoes in eternity." "True!" "[BOTH YELLING]" "My taint." "He's going for the phone to call Ted!" "Stay out of here!" "SAUL Red, don%doiU." "Red!" "You assholes." "You ruined my portable phone." "Teamwork." "Yes." "[BOTH COUNTING IN SPANISH]" "You're gonna break the door." "Are you gonna pay for it?" "[ALL GROANING]" "Fuck." "DALE:" "Phone." "What the hell, Red?" "Let go!" "Let go!" "Let go!" "What the hell...?" "I let go, nowjust get this goddamn door off of me!" "Tell us everything, now!" "They said they were gonna kill me." "What did you tell Ted?" "He's crushing my balls." "He's crushing my balls." "Smash them." "Oh, fuck." "Fuck!" "Ow, ow!" "Time out." "Time out." "DALE:" "Time out." "Time out." "Truce." "Time in." "Fuck you." "Cheater!" "DALE:" "Stop!" "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." "Red!" "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." "Get..." "Fuck." "Ahh!" "God..." "Fuck!" "Take it, motherfucker!" "Time out!" "SAUL Fuck!" "No!" "No, no, no!" "Where you going, huh?" "Where do you think you're going, Mr. Wiggles?" "Come on." "Get back here." "Saul, help me!" "Help me!" "He's punching my bum!" "RED:" "Whoo!" "DALE:" "I'm done with this." "Let's talk." "Let's try words." "Use words!" "No!" "No!" "No!" "You okay, man?" "Look, Hlgetyou another bong, all right?" "It's my cat's birthday today." "SAUL Happy birthday." "All right?" "RED:" "Thank you." "I think there's a package in the mailbox." "This ends now!" "Oh, shit." "Was that too much?" "Can't get the edge." "Wait." "Got it." "Got it." "Hey, Dale." "Do you think we're gonna have to kill him?" "Because I don't think I'm capable of murder." "Well, I don't think I am either." "Maybe we could just convince him to kill himself." "Or, just not say anything." "We need to find out everything he knows, okay?" "Wake up." "Hey, what's up, dudes?" "What's up?" "Tell us everything now." "Talk, Red." "I'm gonna flex and bust out of here." "[GRUNTING]" "SAUL Trapped." "It's not happening, Red." "Okay." "All right." "Okay, I'll talk." "Ted Jones, he knows you witnessed the murder." "He found your roach." "He sent two guys over here, Budlofsky and Matheson." "Two real big son of a bitches." "And they're basically out to kill you guys." "Yeah, and they're gonna kill me too, unless I turn y'all over." "So you guys are basically fucked." "How many cops does he have on his payroll?" "Tell us." "Uh, well, there's the woman cop, Carol." "That's the lady cop." "RED:" "I don't know." "He could have a bunch." "I mean, this dude is, like, super well-connected." "And he has, like, a really awesome hideout too." "It's pretty badass." "Oh, shit." "DALE:" "What else?" "Okay, he's at a war right now with the Asians." "They're, like, in a drug war right now." "The Asians?" "What Asians?" "Indians are technically Asian." "It's true." "DALE:" "What Asians?" "Uh, I don't know." "What?" "Chinese?" "Or Korean or..." "SAUL Vietcong?" "Yeah, little..." "Little..." "Just little Asian people." "Like, the Asians with the guns and the drugs, and not his friends." "[DOORBELL RINGS AND POUNDING ON DOOR]" "BUDLOFSKY:" "Ding-dong." "MATHESON:" "Hey, Red!" "Oh, shit." "Oh, they're here." "They're here." "They're here to kill me." "Okay, guys, I know I sold y'all out." "I've been a real son of a bitch and a shitty friend." "Saul, I'm talking to you." "Dale, you're a new friend." "But I can make it up, okay?" "I forgot, "bro's before ho's."" "Just go out the back porch." "I won't say anything, okay?" "I'll cover for you." "Okay, thanks, Red." "No sweat." "[J'J".r]" "RED:" "It was Dale Denton." "Dale Denton and Saul." "They're on the back porch." "You can catch them if you hurry." "Go, go, go." "Hey." "In here." "I've gotta get to a phone, man." "Come on." "We should hide." "Why?" "No, look." "Okay, if Red tells Ted's guys about my name, then they'll go to my apartment." "And there, I have Angie's name, and they can put that all together, and they'll find her." "Let's go." "No, no, no." "I think we should stay." "Why?" "Because I'm in the dumpster already." "Well, then, get out." "Come on, you're already dirty." "Ew." "Ugh." "They're gone." "TED [ON PHONE]:" "Well, find out what he knows." "Red, it's your last Chance, man." "You gonna give us something we can use?" "Matheson, you gotta be kidding me, man." "I mean, what more do you want?" "I told you that the guy's name is Dale Denton." "He's obviously working with Saul." "That they came in here, they busted my house to shit." "They kicked the hell out of me, and then duct-taped me to my grandfather's wheelchair." "I mean, what more do you want me to tell you?" "Want me to read your horoscope?" "You hear that, Ted?" "Okay, ask if either of them were Asian." "What skin color were they?" "RED:" "They were white people." "Denton might've been a Jew." "I don't know." "I don'tjudge people based on things like that." "Obviously." "We're friends." "Mm-hm." "Ted, you hear him?" "Dale Denton:" "Not Asian." "All right." "Kill Red." "RED:" "Man, listen, I would just appreciate it if both y'all would just take your shoes off." "I mean, this is brand-new Carpet." "You're tracking mud in here." "Matheson, you got British Knights on." "I ain't seen anybody wear them since 1987." "Ooh!" "What the hell are you doing?" "Ted told me to kill him." "Well, how about a little fucking discretion here?" "See?" "See?" "See, right there." "You see that?" "You catch it?" "See what?" "You used to not give a fuck about discretion." "I seen you pull somebody's jawbone off." "I seen it." "You was ruthless." "You was ruthless, man." "RED:" "What the fuck, man?" "You shot me in my stomach." "I'm gonna die now probably." "Man, I had you all over here for dinner." "Fish tacos." "This how you do me?" "Aah!" "[J'J".r]" "CAROL:" "So, what did Budlofsky and Matheson say?" "I don't know." "Uh, he..." "There's this guy, Saul something, Who's selling weed who works with some guy named Dale Denton." "That's all he said." "That's all he got out of him." "Do you think he has anything to do with the guy that we shot?" "Well, did he say anything else?" "Saul mentioned something about "going to the casino."" "Weird. "Going to the casino"?" "The Asians own the casino, Ted." "I need another beer." "He's gotta be working for them." "Maybe after we popped that guy, they hired this outside guy, Dale..." "What's his name?" "Denton?" "...To finish the job." "TED [OVER RADIO]:" "Maybe." "CAROL:" "Maybe." "Well, I'll be back in an hour." "I'll have everything there is to know about this Dale Denton guy." "Who he's screwing, who's his mother, everything." "[IN KOREAN] I have to take a shit." "Wait." "Where are we going?" "I gotta..." "I gotta get to Angie's." "I have to make sure She's okay." "Ckay." "What about my bubbe?" "You don't think they'll go after her, do you?" "I mean, she has a different last name." "Belogus." "I don't know." "We should get out of the middle of the road though." "Come on." "[PETER TOSH'S "WANTED DREAD OR ALIVE" PLAYING]" "You guys can wait as long as you want, but one minute from right now, I'm gonna eat some food." "And you can call it rude." "You can call it whatever you want." "And you can be all polite with your clean plates, but I'm gonna be eating food." "Dad, he'll be here." "And I'm gonna go in the other room and eat it and check my e-mail." "Because I'm done." "Honey, we're at the table." "No one's going to leave the table." "Okay." "This is it." "All right." "Let's do this." "No, no, no." "I'm going alone." "What?" "No." "Yeah." "Yeah." "But I wanna meet Angie." "You'll meet her later, man." "Look." "Look, I need you to stay out here." "Keep guard, okay?" "It's important." "Watch my back." "Okay." "Thanks." "All right." "Just be yourself." "I'll keep guard." "Hey." "Oh." "Shit." "Oh, no." "Hey, Dale." "Dale." "Hello, Dale." "Hey." "Dinner." "This is the dinner you invited me to." "That was tonight." "That's why I'm here." "Sit." "Please." "Of course." "Hi." "Hi." "Shannon." "Intros." "Shannon." "Great to meet you." "You too." "Robert, if I'm not mistaken." "Sit on down, so we can eat." "I'll sit." "Oh, my God." "Hi, Dale." "Hey." "Okay." "What the hell happened to you?" "Nothing." "I'm supposed to be here right now." "So I'm here." "You're all dirty and bleeding." "No, I'm not." "I'm here for dinner." "You have scratches on your forehead." "Dude, you smell like shit." "Dale, what happened to you?" "I was in the woods." "SHANNON:" "In the woods?" "Yeah." "Isn't that Weird?" "I was..." "I was in the woods." "ANGIE:" "What were you doing in the woods?" "I bird-watch." "I don't." "No, I don't." "Look, I'm gonna come clean." "I witnessed a murder, okay?" "I saw someone murder someone else, and I think they've been following me." "And there's a good Chance they went to my apartment, where Angie has a lot of things." "She has her yearbooks, report cards, her cell number is written and it's on my fridge." "So they could then find this house." "They could come here." "We should call the police right away." "We can't call the police." "The police were the murderers." "That's what's so flipping scary." "We can't call the police." "They were the murderers." "They were the..." "Don't..." "Angie, I swear to God, you do something or I'm gonna..." "So fucked up." "No." "Don't let him "gonna."" "No, don't wanna." "Look, we gotta get the F out of here." "Let's go." "We need to begin to prematurely evacuate." "Are you high?" "What?" "No." "I'm not high." "Why...?" "You are high as a fucking kite." "DALE:" "I'm not high." "Let's go." "We're not going anywhere." "I'm coming back in a minute." "You know what I'm coming back with?" "No, what?" "I'm coming back with a gun." "You better be out of here." "I'm not fucking with you." "Oh..." "DALE:" "Your gun?" "His gun?" "Why do you...?" "Don't get a gun." "Why would he bear arms?" "Look, no, we need to go." "Everyone, I'm leading the parade." "Ooh." "Arr." "[BELL BIV DEVOE'S "POISON" PLAYING ON CAR RADIO]" "This is so exciting." "DALE:" "Okay, okay." "Is this where you're parked?" "Let's sally forth." "Who is after you, after Angie?" "They're drug dealers." "I have reason to believe that they're drug dealers." "Seriously, what are you talking about?" "This is crazy." "You're out of your mind." "I know it sounds crazy." "Dale, Dale!" "Hide." "[ANGIE SCREAMING]" "Dale!" "Dale!" "Dale!" "It's happening." "I was eating a Fruit Roll..." "Aah!" "DALE:" "Why'd you do that?" "God!" "Get it!" "Jesus!" "Okay!" "Just stop!" "Angie, what did you do?" "He's one of the drug dealers!" "He's my pot dealer." "SHANNON:" "He's your pot dealer?" "I got it." "Get it." "Ow!" "Aah!" "Gross." "Are you okay?" "Dale, who is this?" "He's my..." "Oh, shit." "Get down." "ANGIE:" "Dad!" "[ALL YELLING]" "What was that?" "That was a gunshot." "Stop!" "Stop it!" "Stop it!" "He's with me." "He's with me." "I'm the good drug dealer." "Dad, put the gun down!" "Put down the gun." "You assholes do exactly what I say or I will take you outside and fuck you in the street." "No, don't do that." "Don't fuck us anywhere." "[J'J".r]" "Anybody out there?" "Fucking hide-and-seek." "Say, now." "Hey, the food's still warm." "Loveit." "Come on, Saul." "Come on." "Come on." "Come on." "Yes!" "Yes!" "We made it." "We're all safe, guys." "We made it." "What are you doing?" "SHANNON:" "Get out." "Get the fuck out of my car." "I can't even believe you think that would be an option." "Okay." "Okay." "No, that makes sense." "It makes sense." "Come on, let's go." "It makes sense." "He's right." "ROBERT:" "Stay away from my family." "Period." "So where do we go?" "What do we do?" "Go to the Days Inn downtown, okay?" "Use a fake name." "Garagely." "I'll contact you." "Look, I don't know who these people are, I don't know what they're capable of, but I will keep you guys safe, I promise that." "I'll keep you safe." "Fuck off, loser." "Uh..." "ROBERT:" "Angie, you're a fucking idiot." "I say that with love." "CAROL:" "So get this:" "We triangulated the cells." "They smashed one, and then they threw the other one in the woods to try to distract us." "It took an hour for Jared to find it." "And then he said that he found Denton's car, filled with all these strange disguises." "A powdered wig, a sombrero, leotards." "I mean, what the fuck does that mean, you know?" "But why don't I just call the Asians and talk to Cheung?" "I mean, why beat around the bush, you know?" "[PHONE RINGING]" "[SPEAKS IN KOREAN]" "[CLAUDINE LONGET'S "LOVE IS BLUE" PLAYING ON RADIO]" "[IN KOREAN] Hello?" "Cheung, it's Ted." "Record this conversation." "[IN ENGLISH] Ted, what a surprise." "What can I do for you?" "Well, Cheung, my friend, let me tell you." "You know, we both know that you sent one of your very skilled hit men over here last night, and I and my colleague made a little decoration on our window." "Should have seen it." "We painted the wall with his brain." "Painted it." "And now this Dale Denton guy?" "You serious?" "Just stop it, okay?" "Stop it or you're asking for war." "Do you want a war?" "[IN KOREAN] Bring it on." "All right, you listen to me, Cheung, you motherfucker!" "It is on!" "We're coming at you with everything we got!" "It's on, so you better get your head out of your ass and be ready for everything!" "You are fucking dead!" "You are so dumb." "Do you have any idea how weak you just made us look?" "Goddamn it!" "Totally sweet." "Ted Jones is slipping." "[IN ENGLISH] We shall strike now with full force." "Your brother's death will not be in vain." "I gotta say, I've had, like, a lot of weed dealers in my day." "You're by far the coolest I've ever had, man." "They were all dicks." "Really?" "Thanks, man." "Yeah." "No problem." "I really appreciate it." "That means a lot to me, you know?" "It's, like, you're the first guy that I ever sold to that I became friends with." "They say, like, "Don't dip the pen in company ink."" "I'm totally glad I dipped in your ink, bro." "Yeah." "So we should get out of town probably." "That's probably our next move." "We just get on a bus and leave, right?" "Get bus tickets." "Go to the next town." "Contact some police." "You know what I was saying?" "Like, I'm totally..." "You're glad you dipped your pen in my ink." "Yeah, but we should get bus tickets and leave, right?" "What?" "Get on the bus?" "Leave?" "Buy bus tickets?" "Yeah, I only have, like, 50 bucks." "I don't think that'll even buy one ticket." "What about your sack?" "Oh, man, it's fucking killing me." "I feel like I popped one." "Ew!" "No." "That's unfortunate, but that's not what I'm talking about." "I mean, like, the sack of weed." "Couldn't we just, like, sell some weed and get some cash and buy bus tickets?" "Of course, man." "That's what I do." "That's what you do." "Fucking A." "Okay, so you're gonna buy tickets for Saturday's game, right?" "Okay, so you're gonna buy tickets for Saturday's game, right?" "These guys are amazing." "Psst!" "What the fuck do you want?" "You guys wanna buy some chronic?" "[BROTHER NOLAND'S "COCONUT GIRL" PLAYING]" "What's this stuff called again, man?" "Pineapple Express." "They said it like eight times, you fucking tard." "Yeah, but don't call it that." "Yeah, if anyone asks, that's not what it's Called." "SAUL Call it Banana Boat." "Just make sure you leave it at weed too, you know?" "This can be a gateway drug." "You don't wanna move on to other things." "Cocaine." "Don't do that." "We don't fuck around." "Don't worry." "Don't tell us what to do." "SAUL Inhale it, Chachi." "Inhale it." "Who the fuck's Chachi?" "How much money you guys got?" "DALE:" "Come on, Zapped!" "SAUL:" "You each get as much as you can grab with one hand." "Go easy." "That's a big handful, guys." "Come on." "Okay, just keep it on the down-low." "All right, now don't tell anybody where you got it, all right?" "You got it from Saul..." "I mean, you got it from Santiago and Dunbar." "BLAKE:" "Go." "Come on." "DALE:" "Go, go." "Vamoose!" "Ha!" "You fucking did it, man." "Good." "You are a good salesman." "You got it in you, man." "I'm about to go get some celebratory Slushees." "Yeah, get some snacks." "Get some burritos or something." "I don't know." "Something to drink too." "Something good." "See you, man." "Nice." "[SIREN WHOOPS]" "Don't move." "Don't you move." "This shit hurts." "Don't move." "What's in your hand?" "What's in your hand?" "It's weed." "It's a joint." "It's a roach." "I'm sorry." "Come here." "Right here." "I was just smoking this..." "What's in your hand?" "I thought it was decriminalized, to be honest with you." "I have horrible anorexia, and it helps my appetite." "I'm so sorry." "Look, selling narcotics Oh, man." "To my students is not decriminalized." "Okay." "I understand that." "I'm the liaison officer for this school." "Oh, shit." "And guess what." "I just saw three students walking from back here with their eyes as red as the devil's dick." "You're busted." "DALE:" "Those kids came up and they peer-pressured me." "This is a terrible mis..." "OFFICER:" "Who you been with?" "DALE:" "Nobody." "I'm here alone." "On the hood." "On the hood." "Okay, okay." "I'm on the hood." "Whoa!" "Okay." "Come on!" "Stand still." "Stand still." "Okay." "I'm still." "I'm still." "I'm sorry." "Okay." "On the hood." "Okay." "I'm on the hood." "You better hope it's clean." "You better hope ain't shit on this record." "I'm gonna put my foot up in your ass." "Oh, my God." "What happened?" "OFFICER:" "Oh, big sexy with glasses." "This is Officer Barbara." "Requesting an update on fugitive Dale Denton." "I repeat, requesting update on Dale Denton." "I have the fugitive in custody." "425, 425, what's your location?" "You going down." "What?" "What do you mean...?" "Why am I going down?" "What did that thing tell you?" "What are you doing?" "What did I tell you?" "Huh?" "What did I tell you?" "I didn't do anything." "Why do you hate me so much?" "What did that thing say?" "Hit-and-run, Mr. Denton." "Hit-and-run." "Oh, shit." "Two parked Cars, two nights ago." "One of them was actually a police cruiser." "Oh, no." "You gotta be the dumbest motherfucker in captivity." "It's the lady Cop." "They got Dale." "Oh, shit." "So you're telling me you saw Ted Jones and a police officer shoot somebody?" "That's exactly what I'm telling you." "And you saw it?" "Yes, do you believe me?" "I don't know." "Give me a minute." "It was a woman or a man Cop?" "It was a policewoman." "It was a woman." "Oh, I think I know who that bitch was." "DALE:" "Yes." "I will identify that bitch." "Thank you so much for believing me, ma'am." "Thank you so much." "Well, I'll tell you this, I bet I get to the bottom of it." "I'll take this badge off, and get to the bottom of it." "I don't work for the law." "The law works for me." "I promise you I've been smelling something in this department for a long time." "Keep your eyes on the road a little bit." "Gonna get to the bottom of this shit." "Stop!" "DALE:" "Whoa!" "Whoa!" "OFFICER:" "Son of a bitch!" "Oh, no." "What the hell was that?" "What is that?" "[J'J".r]" "No, no, no, no, no." "No." "What are you doing?" "Okay." "I'm saving you, amigo!" "Uh-oh." "Wha...?" "Freeze, goddamn it!" "Don't you even think about it!" "This is an old-fashioned escape mission, buddy." "Stop this car!" "[SIRENS WAILING]" "DALE:" "What the fuck are you doing?" "SAUL Oh, shit!" "Oh, shit!" "Oh, shit!" "Oh, shit!" "It's the lady Cop!" "That's the murderer!" "Go!" "That's the lady cop." "What do you mean?" "Then Who's that?" "DALE:" "I don't know." "They're shooting!" "[SCREAMING]" "Oh, my God, they're shooting!" "Fuck." "[CAR HORNS HONKING]" "Whoa!" "Dude!" "Shit, I can't see!" "The Slushee!" "Turn on the wipers!" "It's not working!" "Well, kick out the window!" "Isn't that what they do?" "I don't know." "How do you drive with one foot?" "I don't know!" "DALE:" "Oh, man!" "Ow!" "Fuck!" "I think I pulled my groin!" "DALE:" "Get your foot out of there." "She's gaining on us, man." "She's behind us." "Her car's better." "Get your leg out of there, man." "Seriously." "I can't." "DALE:" "Put it into maximum overdrive!" "DALE:" "Oh, no, no, no!" "Oh, Shit!" "OW!" "DALE:" "Get it out!" "SAUL:" "Ow!" "Ow!" "Ow!" "Ow!" "Ow!" "I can't see!" "DALE:" "Danger!" "Danger!" "Trees!" "Tree, tree!" "Squirrel!" "Hey, I can see through my leg hole." "Nice!" "Nice!" "Look out!" "Look out!" "Tree, tree, tree!" "SAUL I got it, I got it." "Ha-ha!" "DALE:" "You did it, man." "All right!" "Look out!" "SAUL Oh, shit!" "Turn around!" "Turn around!" "[BOTH SCREAMING]" "I'm scared, Saul." "I'm scared." "Don't worry, man." "I'm handling this." "Well, do something." "All right, hold on." "Lgotanidea." "[TIRES SCREECHING]" "Oh, shit!" "Oh, shit!" "Go!" "Go!" "Go!" "Go!" "Sorry!" "What the fuck was that?" "Fuck." "Oh, shit." "I'm sorry." "I thought she'd just go past." "Why?" "I don't know." "[SCREAMING]" "Oh, my." "Wow." "Yes!" "Yes!" "We made it!" "All right, man." "All right, amigo." "Let's get the fuck out of here." "No." "What are you doing?" "You forgot me, you idiot!" "Come back!" "Come back!" "Saul!" "Stupid, stupid, stupid." "Sorry, man." "Thank you." "Okay, let's go." "No, wait." "Get the handcuff keys, you idiot." "Ow!" "[J'J".r]" "[J'J".r]" "As soon as we kill those sacks of shit tonight, Ted," "I'm moving on." "Okay." "All right." "And I promise you you're gonna be taken care of." "As sure as shit you will." "For now, this is what we're gonna do." "We're gonna go to the farm tonight, we're gonna move tonight's shipment." "And then the first thing tomorrow morning, we are gonna hunt these guys down." "Dale, Saul, the Asians." "Every last one of them." "We're gonna fucking kill them all." "So smile." "Shut up." "Say something in Spanish." "Go ahead." "I dare you." "Go ahead." "[LINE RINGING]" "SAUL All right." "Well, are you using protection?" "MAN [ON PHONE]:" "Days Inn." "Ah, yes." "May I have the Garagely room, please?" "[PHONE RINGS]" "Hello?" "DALE:" "Hel/o, is Angie there?" "Dale." "Angie?" "Oh, my God, are you okay?" "I'm good." "I'm ñne." "I'm great." "Are you okay?" "Yes, I'm fine." "Okay, good." "I came up with a plan." "Okay, it might sound Weird at first, but just listen." "Dale." "You know what?" "Drug dealers..." "Let me just tell you something." "Drug dealers are trying to kill me." "And you." "And my family." "I can't believe I'm in this situation right now because of you, and your addiction to marijuana." "I cannot believe I'm here." "I can't be addicted to marijuana." "A, I use a bong." "It filters out the addictive shit." "Seriously." "B, what the fuck does that have to do with anything?" "I witnessed a murder, Angie." "And now I'm dealing with it." "This, that's happening between us, this is normal." "This happens to every couple Who's been dating for three months." "And we just have to work through it." "No, it doesn't, Dale." "This doesn't happen to anyone." "I should not be in this situation, so fuck you." "You know what?" "It's over." "Good." "Fine." "Whatever." "It's over." "Congratulations." "Had to happen sometime, right?" "Why not now?" "What the fuck does that mean?" "It means that you are gonna go to college next year." "You'll get into Godspeed You!" "Black Emperor and the fucking Shins." "And you'll blow a bunch of dudes and you'll become a lesbian, and I'll be here in fucking Clark County doing shit-all." "You're gonna dump me." "So, fuck it, have a good time." "A lesbian?" "Fuck you, Dale!" "You never did like me anyway, did you?" "You didn't even wanna meet my parents." "I always cared about you." "That's not what this is, ever." "Okay?" "I always care about you, Angie." "Why don't you ever act like it, huh?" "Why do you never act like you care about anything?" "Because I'm high!" "Fuck!" "And it..." "What do you want...?" "Okay." "Jesus." "Call me when I can go home." "SAUL:" "You lost it playing Bid Whist?" "You pimp." "No, I'll give you more, but you cannot gamble with it." "I know, I'm sorry about the clocks." "I couldn't remember if it was today or tomorrow." "All right, I gotta go." "I love you." "You wise-ass." "Hey, you all right, man?" "That sounded pretty hectic." "I'm okay." "Let's just get the fuck out of here, okay?" "All right." "First things first." "Don't do that, okay?" "Yeah." "Why not?" "Why not?" "Car Chase, gunshots." "That clearly just happened because we were smoking marijuana." "No, man." "It happened because those fucking kids couldn't keep their shit on the down-low, man." "In case you haven't noticed..." "Which you haven't." "Because from what I can tell, you don't notice anything ever." "We are not very functional when we're high." "Which is all the fucking time." "Well, I don't know, man." "I think I'm functioning right now." "I was, like, stoned when I saved you with those Slushees." "What do you gotta say to that, man?" "Okay, well, that would be true if you had saved me." "But you didn't save me." "She was gonna help us, and you made things worse." "Now we're wanted for all sorts of fucking crazy shit." "Don't fucking get on my case, all right?" "Look, only reason I started selling pot is so I could put my bubbe in a nice retirement home." "Gh, yeah?" "She must be proud of you for that." "She is really proud of me, and I'm gonna become something, man." "As soon as she dies, I'm gonna become a Civil engineer." "I'm gonna design septic tanks for playgrounds." "Little kids can take shits." "You idiot." "What the hell do you do?" "What am I gonna do?" "Besides staying in my home for fear that you've designed some object I'm around?" "I'm gonna be on the radio," "Homo!" "Talking about life." "Giving lessons about life." "Put me in my place." "I'm gonna be designing buildings and what's he gonna be doing?" "Boring people to death on the radio." "You are an asshole." "That's all you are." "You're an asshole." "I'm not an asshole." "You are an asshole." "No, you know what?" "I feel pretty sure that I'm not an asshole." "I'm, like, a totally nice guy." "Hey, I'm just as nice as you are." "So you don't bring that out." "When we were in the woods, I gave you myjacket." "You were cold and I clothed you." "How about in the park when I said that you were my friend?" "You didn't say anything back." "Well, that's easy." "It's because we're not friends." "You are my drug dealer." "There's one reason we know each other." "I like the drugs you sell." "That's it." "If you didn't sell those drugs, I would have no idea who you were, and I would be fantastic right now." "Instead of looking like this." "That sounded mean." "Just hearing it sounded mean." "I didn't mean to say all that." "It's out, bro." "Monkey's out of the bottle, man." "What?" "Yeah." "That's not even an expression." "Pandora doesn't go back in the box." "He only comes out." "I'm sorry, man." "Look..." "What are you doing?" "Here." "Have a nice last meal." "Come on, man." "Don't do that." "Why don't you supersize it, bitch?" "I'm sorry, man." "Look, come back." "I didn't mean that." "[BOB MARLEY  THE WAILERS' "TIME WILL TELL" PLAYING]" "DOLL:" "I/ove you." "Do you love me?" "[SOBBING]" "That looks great." "[RINGS]" "Hello?" "[DALE SOBBING]" "Dale?" "It is Dale." "Angie, I'm Calling because I love you more than anything in the world, and I wanna let you know I'll do anything to make it work." "I'll do anything." "I've had a near-death experience, and when that happens, you can prioritize your life, and you are it, okay?" "So please just take me back, please." "L/ove you." "I love you." "Yeah?" "I just don't wanna lose you, Dale." "We were driving away from the house and I just kept thinking..." "I don't know." "I just..." "I wanna marry you." "Oh..." "I made a mistake." "What do you mean?" "I've..." "What?" "I'm just processing that last bit." "You wanna..." "Oh, fuck." "What?" "I don't know." "I realize now that if you would take me back, then you are very naive and immature." "You don't see what a fuck-up I am." "I'm in no shape to be dated by anyone." "You're the one that's immature." "No way." "I'm not immature." "You're immature." "I mean, I am somewhat immature, but you're more immature." "I'm older." "Oh." "Just because you're older." "You know what?" "I lost my virginity when I was 14 years old." "Really?" "How many girls have you even slept with?" "Like, two and a half." "Two and a half?" "What is a half?" "Your hand?" "That doesn't count." "No, it was the tip or I dipped a ball in." "I can't remember why." "I just remember thinking, "This doesn't count as a full point."" "If I said three, I'd feel like a liar." "I don't know why." "I was drunk." "Screw you." "Just get me out of this motel room." "I will, and that's the last you'll ever hear from me, okay?" "Gh, thank goodness." "Okay." "Belogus." "Faye Belogus." "WOMAN:" "Lookit there." "Lookit there." "Lookit there." "MATHESON:" "So do you use the pool over here?" "WOMAN:" "Yes, I use the pool." "Come on, what do you want from me?" "BUDLOFSKY:" "We need your grandson." "We need you to get on the phone with your grandson..." "What are you talking about, my grandson?" "You told me you wanna sit down, play dominos with me." "And now you're hocking me Mrs. Belogus?" "About my grandson." "Ls that Yiddish?" "Yes." "Yes, it is." "May I call you Faye?" "You can call me Faye, but I'm gonna call you a stinker." "Hey, Mrs. Mendelson." "What do you want from me?" "Bubbe." "Hey, GUYS" "Well, look who it is." "Hello, baby." "[J'J".r]" "Damn." "SAUL Oh, shit." "Sorry, Betty." "[CRYING]" "They kidnapped my grandson." "Yeah, these two guys came in, they sat down with me to play dominos." "We'd never seen them before in our lives." "I never saw them in my life before." "And they kept asking questions about my grandson." "Well, what did they look like?" "One of them was very tall and sloppy." "MRS. MENDELSON:" "And they wore black Clothes." "FAYE:" "And the other guy, he was very good-looking, but he was short as shit." "But the worst part was that my grandson came in, why, and in pajamas." "You gotta find my grandson." "We'll do the best..." "Do you promise?" "I promise, ma'am." "Absolutely." "You've got something there." "I believe that's a mole, ma'am." "You sack of shit." "Do you know what a pain in the ass you've been?" "No, man." "I don't wanna get out." "Let's go." "Hey, hey." "Who gave you that lollipop?" "Let's go." "No." "Where am I, man?" "What, man?" "You guys started it, man." "I don't even wanna be here." "Oh, Shit." "Did I do that?" "[GRUNTING]" "Hey, hey." "All right, okay." "SAUL:" "Ow!" "Motherfucker!" "Screw you, man!" "BUDLOFSKY:" "Stand back." "What?" "Ted wants him alive." "Why you holding me back?" "Ted wants him alive, okay?" "I should be kicking his fucking teeth in." "If anybody's gonna beat him up, it's gonna be Ted." "I look like Hamburglar." "And the Elephant Man." "Like someone fucked you up with a coffee pot, man." "Professional." "Professional." "Professional on this, bitch." "Whatever, man." "And where were you?" "I was there." "You're supposed to be my partner." "I was there." "No, you wasn't there." "How did this happen then?" "I take the hit?" "SAUL:" "You got good reflex, man." "That's how it's gonna be?" "Fuck all this, you know?" "Get him out of here." "Take him downstairs." "Get this asshole out of my sight." "Get him out of my sight." "SAUL I don't wanna go near this guy." "What's down there?" "Fucking rancor?" "I might act tough, but I got a lot of feelings." "And you hurt damn near every one of them." "This ain't over." "You know you gonna die, right?" "SAUL:" "Yeah." "I'm gonna kill the fuck out of you." "I hope you enjoy these last 17 minutes of your life, because when Ted gets here, he's gonna be like:" ""Kill that motherfucker." I'm gonna kill your motherfucking ass." "Watch your head." "Hey, watch him." "[J'J".r]" "Gh, my God." "El Dorado." "The legends are true." "Look at all this weed, man." "What's that?" "Purple Granddaddy?" "MATHESON:" "Come on." "SAUL:" "Purple Nurple?" "OG Kush?" "OG Kush." "It's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen." "What kind of irrigation...?" "MATHESON:" "Shut up." "SAUL:" "Can I touch it?" "Come here." "[J'J".r]" "[BONE THUGS-N-HARMONY'S "THA CROSSROADS" PLAYS ON STEREO]" "Hello?" "Red?" "Red?" "RED:" "What the fuck?" "Get out of here, man." "I didn't do shit, Denton." "Look, I come in peace, okay?" "I'm not here to fight you again." "Good." "Because I'm tired, man." "Not feeling so hot." "You don't look great." "They shot me, Denton." "They got me right here." "Yeah?" "Right here." "And then they got me again right here." "Look, man, I'll call 911 right now." "They'll save your life, okay?" "You don't need to die." "No, bro." "You don't get it, man." "It doesn't really matter where I'm at." "If I'm at the hospital, if I'm here," "Ted's gonna find me, man." "He will." "And when he does, he's gonna fucking kill me." "He's just, like, an asshole." "I couldn't agree more, Red." "That's why I've come here, okay?" "You know Ted?" "He took Saul." "And I'm gonna get him back." "You know, like, he saved my life." "We've been on the run together." "And he's a great friend." "He's a good guy." "He is, man." "I'll tell you that, man." "Saul is a good dude." "I was mean to him, man." "I wronged him and I can't..." "I can't let it end like that." "Man, I'm just into Buddhism and I'm at peace with the fact that me as this person, probably gonna not be around." "Think about a hermit crab, okay?" "And it's a shell, and it's like they go from one shell to the next." "And that's what I am." "It's like I'm just a hermit Crab changing shells." "Except, if you're a dick your whole life, your next shell will be made of shit, okay?" "If you're an asshole, you're gonna come back as a cockroach." "Or a worm, or a fucking anal bead, okay?" "If you're a man, and you act heroic, you'll come back as an eagle." "You'll come back as a dragon." "You'll come back as Jude Law." "Okay?" "Which would you rather be?" "Maybe the anal bead." "Might..." "Depending on who it belongs to." "It belongs to me." "Then the dragon." "Exactly." "You need to help me, okay?" "Just use it, you know?" "Use the pain." "You'll have a second wind, man." "Let's just get up, we can go get Saul back." "Use it." "Aren't you angry at Ted?" "Yeah, I'm really mad at him." "Well, what do you wanna do about it?" "Don't you wanna get up and do something about it?" "Maybe." "Maybe that would be cool to do to him." "I don't think "maybe" is the answer I'm looking for." "I think, "Yes, I'm gonna help you, Dale,"" "that's the answer I'm looking for." "Psst." "Come here." "[PUBLIC ENEMY'S "LOST AT BIRTH" PLAYS]" "Ted Jones messed with the wrong melon farmers." "Thug life." "Oh, shit." "[BULLETS CLATTERING]" "Just make sure you get those." "I don't wanna run them over in the Vacuum Cleaner and shoot my face off, okay?" "I'm sorry." "I used to use this little gun when I was a prostitute." "Don't." "Don't." "Just something quick like that." "Yeah." "Don't." "Yeah." "Don't." "You stop it right now." "Stop it." "Oh, God." "That's a big hideout." "I can't do this." "I'm sorry, man." "I can't do this." "I'm infected." "My shit's all fucked up." "I need medical attention." "What do you mean, you can't...?" "I thought we just got all pumped up." "What was that all about?" "Dude, Ted is a fucking murderer." "I can't fuck with him." "I got a wife, man." "She's gonna be out of jail soon." "I wanna fuck her." "I wanna have sex with her." "I am not gonna wake up murdered tomorrow." "Oh, man, no." "I'm really sorry, dude." "This is lame of you, Red." "I'm sorry." "Come on." "This could be your moment of redemption." "RED:" "Fuck that." "This could be your moment." "I don't want a moment." "I don't want a..." "You know what?" "Fine, go." "Fuck you." "Please come back for me." "Please come back." "RED:" "Legends never die, dude." "I'll tell your story." "Carol, she's cool now." "Carol used to be a little crazy, man." "She used to throw tickle parties." "MAN:" "Sounds like home-Cooking to me." "MATHESON:" "That was fun." "Game over, motherfuckers!" "Everybody freeze!" "Tell me where my friend is or this guy gets it!" "MATHESON:" "All right, everybody be cool, man." "Be cool." "Put your guns down." "Nobody shoots." "That's right." "Put them down." "On the ground." "MATHESON:" "All right, everybody just chill." "Gh, my God!" "Oh, my God!" "You shot him." "Put the fucking gun down." "Drop the fucking gun." "Okay, okay." "Don't shoot me!" "Holy shit." "I said, nobody shoot." "You shot Pete." "BUDLOFSKY:" "That's right." "I shot him." "I shot him, okay?" "I shot him." "I don't have time for a fucking negotiation." "Now, I wanna finish this shit off so I can go home, and have dinner with my wife for once." "If anybody asks, Denton killed Pete." "End of story." "I'm telling Ted." "If you do..." "MAN:" "He's got a piece." "BUDLOFSKY:" "Motherfucker." "Okay, I'm sorry." "Oh, he's got another one, right in the side." "Damn it." "Okay." "I got one more on my leg." "There's one more." "I know you'll find it." "Just take it." "Just take it." "I'm sorry, guys." "Sorry I deceived you." "No." "Come on." "Jesus." "Oh, great." "Saul." "Dale." "Yes." "What did you do, rat me out?" "Ls that what you did, you bastard?" "No, man." "Yes." "I'm here to save you." "No." "You just got caught too." "And I'm gonna die in here with some asshole." "Okay, you know what?" "I deserved that." "I'll take that because I have been an asshole, man." "This whole thing is my fault." "I ruined your life." "Okay?" "And I know there's no way to make that up to you except by saving your life." "So that's what I came here to do." "I'm here to save my best friend." "Because that's what you are, man." "You're my best friend." "You're a mean jerk." "I was mean." "I was mean because, I think..." "I didn't want you to be my best friend." "I didn't wanna think that that's what my life was." "But now I realize I'm lucky to have you as my best friend, man." "You're the best guy I know." "BFFF." "Best fucking friends forever, man." "Seriously." "[CHUCKLES]" "All right." "Give me a hug." "Yeah." "Okay." "Thanks, man." "I'm so sorry about everything." "Oh, I'm such a dick." "Okay." "I'm gonna get us out of here." "No, you're not, but it's okay." "Seriously." "These guys are gonna fucking kill us." "We gotta get out of here." "I know." "They are." "MATHESON:" "Fuck, man." "We can hear you outside and it's very fucking annoying, all right?" "Okay." "Sorry about that, sir." "Shut the fuck up." "Do you know what "shut the fuck up" mean?" "I do." "Shit." "Stupid motherfuckers." "Yes." "Okay." "I got an idea." "I got an idea." "My belt buckle." "My belt buckle." "Right here." "Okay?" "Rub your wrists against my belt buckle." "That'll do it." "Yeah, uhh." "Is it working?" "I can't feel it." "I can't feel you." "Wait, I feel it." "I feel it." "Yes, okay." "Okay." "Okay." "Okay" "I'm gonna save you, man." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Let me save you." "Save me, Dale." "It's not working." "Okay, wait." "We gotta change angles." "We gotta get more leverage-y." "Okay." "Okay, that's good." "That's good." "Get your hands up on it." "There we go." "All right." "All right." "Yeah." "Okay." "Yes." "Yes." "Okay." "I'm gonna save you, man." "I'm gonna save you." "You're my best friend, man." "Yeah, see?" "It's not working." "Let me use my..." "I'll use my mouth." "That'll do it." "Okay." "Finish it off with my mouth, pal." "Let's go." "Come on." "Let's go." "Harder." "[DALE GROANING]" "[J'J".r]" "Where are these fuckers?" "BUDLOFSKY:" "We got them downstairs." "Where did you find them?" "BUDLOFSKY:" "We found Saul at his grandmother's." "He fucked up Matheson's face." "Hit him with a pot of hot coffee." "It's gross." "Dale Denton comes flying in here like a madman, armed to the teeth, and, as you can see, he shot Peter." "Plugged him, just whacked him." "And, uh, now they're both disarmed and they're downstairs." "TED:" "He shot Pete?" "Fucking Pete?" "He was ex-CIA." "Who the fuck is this Dale Denton?" "Who is he?" "Where did he come from?" "I do not know." "[J'J".r]" "[IN KOREAN] Time to cook shit up tonight." "Take his stash and burn this motherfucker down." "MAN:" "Stop." "Wait here." "No retreat, no surrender." "Yes, yes, yes." "Wait, someone's coming." "Okay, okay, okay." "If I Cough once, I'll take the lead." "If I cough twice, you go, okay?" "Well..." "I cough sometimes for real." "DALE:" "Just don't." "Don't..." "[DALE  SAUL COUGHING]" "Yo, look." "I'm gonna say this one time." "Whatever you're doing, I get it, okay?" "[COUGHS]" "Stop." "[COUGHING]" "See, I don't think you understood me." "I can hear everything you're saying out there." "One cough mean you go." "Two cough mean you take the lead." "The belt buckle." "Best friends forever." "Y'all fuck on your own time, man." "Sorry, man." "It was a stupid plan." "What the fuck is that?" "[J'J".r]" "[YELLS]" "Dale!" "[YELLS]" "I've been waiting for this." "You burned my face!" "[GRUNTING]" "I'm gonna tear this ass up." "[MATHESON GROANING]" "You shot me." "I'm sorry, man." "I ain't never been shot." "Damn, that hurt." "I got glass in my ass." "Dale." "Dale!" "This is messed up." "Has anyone seen my bigger knife?" "[J'J".r]" "MAN:" "Asians!" "[PEOPLE YELLING INDISTINCTLY]" "[GUNFIRE]" "[IN KOREAN] War is upon you!" "Prepare to suck the cock of karma!" "[YELLING]" "Get down, motherfucker!" "Come on!" "Fuck!" "GO!" "Go!" "TED:" "Get down, baby!" "SAUL Dale, no!" "No, wake up, man." "No, you're not dying, man." "Not without me." "Dale." "What?" "You're alive." "You're..." "You're alive." "What happened?" "He got your ear, man." "He got my what?" "He got your ear." "Ow!" "Fuck!" "Ow!" "Ow!" "Fuck!" "Oh!" "MATHESON:" "Help!" "My ear." "Yeah." "MATHESON:" "Help!" "You killed my ear." "You shot me." "DALE:" "I didn't do that." "He shot me." "You shot him?" "Get your hands off of me." "Shut up." "We've had enough out of you." "I'm not your friend." "Maybe I can just..." "No." "No, infected." "DALE:" "Is that it?" "Maybe if we just hold it." "It's clear." "Dude." "Look." "Nice." "Bullets." "DALE:" "So seriously, how gross does my ear look?" "Is it really disgusting or is it, like, kind of cool in a way?" "Right now it's pretty disgusting." "I feel like I can smell it." "Don't worry, bro." "Think about Evander Holyfield." "You can't even tell." "That's a good point." "Wait." "[GUNFIRE]" "[DALE YELLS]" "[J'J".r]" "[YELLS]" "Did you shoot that guy?" "No." "I'm out of bullets." "Me too." "Maybe it was ricochet." "Gravity." "Oh, nice." "You go down." "Hlcoven." "Watch my back." "I'll go down and take care of this." "Sexy motherfucker." "No, no, there might be more bad guys up there." "No, we'll sneak out through the vent." "Come on." "I'll boost you up, okay?" "And then you pull me up." "Oh, nice." "Here we go." "Okay." "Get up." "Yeah." "Nice." "Nice." "Nice." "Okay." "Pull me up." "I'm ready." "Go." "SAUL:" "Give it to me." "Come on." "Be taller." "Be stronger." "Pull harder." "Dale, come on." "Pull." "Pull me." "Come on, man." "I'm jumping as high as I can." "Hey, Denton!" "SAUL Dale!" "I'll get help." "I'll get help." "Go ahead and run, you little dipshit." "I'll find you." "[J'J".r]" "[GRUNTING]" "[GUNSHOT]" "Ew." "[J'J".r]" "[J'J".r]" "[BOTH GROANING]" "Give me that fire extinguisher." "Okay." "Titty twister!" "No!" "No!" "[DALE SCREAMING]" "You and me, baby." "Drop it now!" "Put the bag down!" "Now!" "[GROANING]" "Fuck you!" "Fuck the police!" "[GUN CLICKS EMPTY]" "[YELLING]" "Motherfucking kill you!" "Why you doing this to me?" "Why you doing this to me?" "Oh, Shit!" "Come here!" "DALE:" "Wha..." "Whoa!" "Ah, ow." "TED:" "I hate you!" "No!" "Ted, stop it!" "Come on, bitch." "Come on, I'll twist your balls so tight." "You're in the jungle now, baby." "Jesus!" "Ha-ha-ha!" "Fuck." "Gonna die." "You killed..." "SAUL:" "I didn't wanna do that." "But you weren't gonna stop." "Shoot him!" "Just take it easy, buddy." "Shoot him, you dumb fuck!" "I'm hungry." "I'm going home." "All right." "Help." "[GUNSHOT]" "I knew you were going soft." "Dinner's gonna be cold tonight, asshole." "Fucked up, man." "Well, lookie here." "Mr. Folgers." "Oh, man." "What's up, sir?" "Look, I didn't wanna hit you, man..." "Shut the fuck up." "You think you was gonna get me, motherfucker, huh?" "You need to sit your little sexy ass down and watch yourself get killed now." "All right." "You know what?" "This is how it's gonna be?" "All right." "This is how it ends." "[CAR HORN HONKING]" "[J'J".r]" "[MATHESON YELLING]" "You just got killed by a Daewoo Lanos, motherfucker." "How you like me now, huh?" "Gross." "Red?" "Saul." "Hey, Saul." "I came back for you, bro." "Yeah." "RED:" "L remembered, man." "Bro's before ho's." "You lied to me." "RED:" "I did." "I lied bigtime to you." "Dale said that you didn't even have herpes and I said that you did." "Honestly, like, from now on, just, like, from everything that we've gone through, and, like, from seeing this fucking asshole's nuts smashed with my Daewoo," "I just..." "I wanna be a better friend to you, like I really am." "I fucking love you, dog." "Fucking love you." "RED:" "I wanna be inside you, homes." "SAUL No more lies, Red." "This is my moment." "This is your moment." "Red!" "[GRUNTING]" "You know what?" "I'm feeling it." "Red, I'm coming, baby." "Your stupidity amazes me." "KEN:" "Hey, Ted!" "You killed my brother," "Caucasian son of cocksucker!" "Suck my balls!" "Two times!" "[BEEPING]" "Bitch!" "Bring it on." "Shit." "Dale." "Dale!" "Holy shit!" "[YELLS]" "[DALE COUGHING]" "[DALE COUGHING]" "Sorry, Ted." "You've been served." "[J'J".r]" "Oh, Shit." "Oh, Shit." "Oh, Shit." "Oh, Shit." "Oh, Shit." "Oh, Shit." "[CREAKING AND BANGING]" "Saul!" "Saul!" "Wake up, man!" "This place is gonna Collapse!" "Come on!" "Come to me!" "You're not dying today, friend." "Not on my watch." "Saul." "Wake up, man, please." "Saul." "Wake up." "Oh, sweet Saul." "Saul." "[SOBBING]" "[COUGHING]" "Yes." "Yeah." "Saul, you made it." "What?" "Yeah." "Where am I?" "You made it, man." "You saved me." "You came back for me." "Yeah." "Oh, thank you." "What happened?" "What happened?" "Holy shit." "Uh." "Ow, ow, ow." "What's that?" "Hi." "Red?" "Red?" "[RED COUGHING]" "Red." "Hey." "Red." "Where'd you come from, man?" "Where'd he come from?" "He came back to save us." "He saved us?" "Yeah." "All right, man." "We all saved each other." "Yeah." "Oh, man." "We made it, guys." "We made it." "Oh, we made it." "[J'J".r]" "DALE:" "Hel/o, you're listening to PPRPBP." "I am Dale Denton." "The topic of the day:" "New beginnings." "Getting over losses." "Friends." "Life." "We have our first caller." "Yes, ring-ring-ring." "How's it going?" "Hi." "Am I on the air?" "You are." "You're about to get D'd by the Dale." "A D in the face." "Dale Denton?" "Yeah?" "You're my hero." "[ALL LAUGHING]" "DALE:" "You're my hero." "Yay." "You are good, man." "Seriously." "Thanks, man." "I gotta admit, you're pretty good." "It Sounds pretty good." "It Sounds real, dude." "It's not bad, huh?" "If I close my eyes, it does sound like..." "[IN DEEP VOICE] You are on the radio." "This is the radio." "That's the radio." "That's a DJ." "No, but better." "Like, if you were on it, I would listen to it." "Thanks, man." "It's like when my bubbe was always playing opera," "I was like, I hated it, but my bubbe loves it." "RED:" "Then it grows on you." "It grows on you." "That's nice." "It grows on you." "Yeah." "It's like Red." "I didn't like Red when I first met him, I'll be honest." "You didn't like me?" "DALE:" "No, but you liked him so much" "I like you now." "Ha-ha-ha." "High five." "Seriously." "I know this sounds weird, but can we be best friends?" "Just us, for real?" "DALE:" "L think we should all be best friends." "We should be." "I think you guys are my best friends." "Seriously." "You guys are, like, both of my best friends." "And you didn't know it." "But now you know it, and we'll all be best friends." "You know what we should get?" "You know those hearts that break up, and it's like, "best friends"?" "We should get a three-way one." "Three-way." "I don't even know if they fucking make those." "We should make the first one." "I want the middle piece, so it'll be crooked on both sides." "I know we've gone over this again and again, but, like, 1000 pardons, 1000 pardons, please." "I know I fucked up..." "Me too, man." "Lwas a dick to you, man." "I'm sorry." "I know that I was an asshole." "I hope I redeemed myself with you." "And I know me and you have had our deal." "We've had some times now, man." "But I kind of feel like something's happening here." "I think it's growing." "Ooh." "Is that a boner?" "Is that a condo?" "Is that us moving into an apartment together?" "Is that us getting a time-share?" "You threw an ashtray at his face." "You hit me, man." "At the time, I was like, whoa." "But it was kind of funny." "You hit me with a DustBuster, man." "I didn't wanna hurt you." "But it was like, "You better not leave here."" "That was such a good fight, man." "RED:" "That was." "You fuckhead." "The car Chase was pretty awesome." "You got into a fucking car Chase?" "Are you kidding me?" "Oh, my God." "DALE:" "Yeah, it was..." "Yeah." "I, like, had my foot through the window." "It was..." "It was rich." "My groin..." "I mean, I felt like a Wishbone." "I'm trying to decide how stoned I am and just how, like, on the verge of death am I right now." "Am I, like, seeing shit because I'm stoned or because I, like, have no blood left?" "You've been shot, like, seven times." "You gotta eat." "You're losing stuff." "Yeah." "SAUL:" "Here." "RED:" "Yeah, okay." "DALE:" "Here comes the airplane." "Look, like a baby." "[MUMBLING]" "[DALE  SAUL LAUGHING]" "It's a miracle." "I think we should just all take a moment and think about what a miracle it is that we got out of there." "And that we all became friends in the process and, like, kind of learned some shit about life and stuff." "Should we put our hands...?" "Should we touch each other's hands while we do it?" "Okay." "I love you guys." "I love you dudes so much." "Oh, man." "I'll remember that for the rest of my life." "Me too." "Red?" "SAUL:" "Red?" "Yo, Red, man." "You alive?" "DALE:" "What's up, pal?" "RED:" "Hey." "Hey." "I'm like the nerd at the sleepover who fell asleep at 9." "That's okay." "We won't put our dicks in your mouth." "RED:" "Oh, Shit." "Oh, God." "[CAR HORN HONKS]" "SAUL Hey, there's bubbe." "Oh." "Come on." "Let's get out of here." "RED:" "Yeah, you know what?" "Maybe we should go to the doctor." "Do you think she'll drive me to the hospital?" "DALE:" "Me too." "I should get the ear looked at." "My ear should probably get professional attention." "RED:" "Oh." "It is bad." "[RED BURPS]" "RED:" "That's a bullet burp." "Either I'm getting ready to die or I'm gonna take a massive shit." "If somebody could get me to the hospital." "I know, it's weird." "Blood from my ear keeps dropping on my shirt." "FAYE:" "You guys smell like shit." "[ROBERT PALMER'S "WOKE UP LAUGHING" PLAYS]" "DALE:" "You are in serious danger."