"Hey, Ray," "I was cleaning out the basement and-- by the way, did you know your family's downstairs?" "Why do you think I'm upstairs?" "Why do you think I'm cleaning out the basement?" "Anyway, I was down there, and I came across a box of your old trophies." "What, my foosball trophies?" "No, your Nobel prizes." "And look at this-- I found this in there." "What?" "This tape." "It says "Karen 1982" on it." "I don't know what that is." "Sounds like something from your college days." "Who's "Karen 1982"?" "I don't know, some girl, some nobody from the early 80s" "Nobody you have to worry about." "Here, let's play it." "No, no, no!" "You don't play it!" "Relax!" "I've heard it already." "What?" "!" "You already listened to it?" "That seems like an invasion of-- everything!" "I know." "I'm sorry, I'm sorry." "Here we go." "Hi, this is Ray." "If I'm not here," "I'm probably hanging at the quad with my girl, Karen." "You know it!" "Ray, it's Karen." "Listen, there's something I need to say." "I wanted to tell you at the Kappa Delta Hoedown, but you were having so much fun playing foosball, so... well, I'll just say it." "I was thinking that maybe we should start seeing other people and, you know..." "not each other." "I'm sorry to kinda break up and everything on the phone, but I didn't wanna... anyway." "Okay, I gotta go." "And you should change your outgoing message, okay?" "Bye." "I was wondering why she hadn't called." "Why would you keep a tape of a girl" " breaking up with you?" " I didn't keep it." "It's okay." "You can keep whatever you want." " I'm just curious." " I didn't keep it!" "Come on, Ray, you kept it." "You took it out of the answering machine, you labeled it, and you placed it in a box along with a bunch of lame foosball trophies." "Lame?" "I was playing at a level that you will never understand." "And I noticed you took the time to pop out the tabs, which you neglected to do with our wedding video." "All right." "So you're jealous." "I'm not jealous!" "I just think it's a little weird that you would keep a breakup tape for 20 years." "I don't see how that's weird." "A breakup tape?" " That's like keeping a hangnail." " No, it's not, okay?" "There's plenty of people that would keep this." " Who?" " Anybody!" " Nobody." " Not nobody, because l-body!" ""l-body"?" "The hardest thing to believe about this tape is that you went to college." "Yeah, all right." "Just gimme my tape." "When you tell me why you keep it." "I don't have to tell you anything!" "What you did is unconscionable." "That's right, there's your college." "Why are we yelling?" "Geez, Ma, nobody's yelling." "Then why am I up here?" "I don't know." "Hey, what's with the yelling?" "Yeah, what's with the yelling?" "Could everybody please go?" "Why are you in your underwear?" "Because this is my bedroom!" "I'm glad you're all here." "Let me ask you something." "Do you think it's weird that someone would keep a tape of someone breaking up with them for 20 years?" ""Karen 1982"?" "How the hell do you know about that?" "I came across it one day when I was drawing genitals on your foosball trophies." "You really are a mental case, you know that?" "So this Karen broad dumped you over the phone on a tape?" "You never told me anything about a Karen." "How long did you two date?" "I don't know-- like five months." "You went together five months, and this is how I find out about it?" "Come on, Ma!" "It was 20 years ago!" "What were you doing with her?" "Nothing that kept her happy." "I gotta tell ya, breakin' up on the answering machine is the way to go." "If those things were around in my day," "I wouldn't have had to move so much." "But nobody thinks it's odd that someone would keep a tape like this?" "I tell you what it is, it's dumb." "You should get rid of all evidence of the past." "I kept everything from my past relationships." "She had to-- it's tough to throw out a cave painting." "I keep things, too, but they're-- they're happy things." "You know-- a letter, pictures." "Someone wrote me a poem once." "Poem?" "From who?" "What poem?" "Who writes you poems?" "A guy I knew in the 10th grade." "But it's a happy poem, makes me smile when I read it." "You still read it?" "I have, once or twice." "You never told me about a poem." "Burn everything, I tell ya!" "Such secrets from your husband." "I'm not keeping secrets!" "Ray, I didn't tell you because every time I mention an old boyfriend, you say, "l don't want to hear it."" "He doesn't want to know about it." "Look, this is not unusual." "Everybody keeps nice stuff-- what they don't keep are breakup tapes." "Forget it, just forget it!" "You know where it's nice?" "In the basement." "Can I hear that Karen tape?" "No, it's none of your business." "I have a copy." "Okay." "Debra, I was thinkin'" "I now understand that it is kinda weird to keep that tape." "Can we just drop the whole thing?" "No!" "I wish that I had told you about it." "I should've been more open." "We should be more open." "I think from now on, we should both be open." "Let's consider this "opening night."" " Ray" " In this shoebox," "I have everything from my past relationships." "Yeah?" "Yeah." "And I'm gonna show it to you." "Just to show you that, you know, I can show." "Great, if you want." "I do!" "I do!" "I really do." "You first." "What?" "Well, you got a poem, you said there's some other stuff..." " I wanna see what you got." " Why?" "Arewegonna beopen, ornot?" "Yeah." "I mean, of course I wanna be open." "But I don't think you're doing this for the right reason." "Is wanting to be closer to you not the right reason?" "You are so full of it!" "But I do want to be more open, and I would like to be closer." "What am I saying here?" "Okay, you sure?" "Yes!" "Let's do this." "Show me your stuff." "Good!" "This is good." "I'm glad we're doin' this." "This is gonna be good for our marriage." "Wow!" "What do you got in there-- a poem, or the guy who wrote it?" "What can I say?" "I've inspired some writing." "Okay." "Go ahead." "No, no, no." "You heard my tape." "It's your turn." "Let's start with the poem." "All right." "That was fast." "What, you got it alphabetized?" "You want to hear the poem or not?" "Yeah." "This is from Chad." "Chad." ""Debra's eyes."" ""Brown as earth," "Giveth life to tree and brush." "Speckled green, like the breast of a thrush." "Yellow ringed as the sun on a web." "So many colors in thine eye," "My Deb."" "Oh, my God!" "Oh, my God!" "Whoo-hoo!" "Ohhh, man!" " That's the poem?" " Don't make fun of it!" "I don't have to." "Read it again." "It happens to be very romantic!" "Yeah, yeah." "Read it again." "No!" "You don't appreciate it." "For your information, he wrote this in the 10th grade, and he ended up going to Yale." "Not on a poetry scholarship." "Well, I don't see you writing me any poems!" "I can't now." "Chad killed poetry." "So that's all you got?" "Some rhymes about your many-colored eyeball?" " No." "There are letters and gifts." " Gifts?" "What gift?" "You didn't tell me about any gifts." "What?" "Show me a gift." " They're not in the box." " Where are they?" " Around." " Around where?" "I don't know." "I got that bird feeder out in back." "That was from a boyfriend?" "That's a great gift." "Guarantees the birds are nice and full when they fly over my car." "Boy, that Chad's a real winner." "It wasn't from Chad." "That was from Gary." "Gary?" "Oh, another guy." "What's Gary's deal?" "Huh?" "He a good kisser?" "Okay, listen, I'm sorry I brought this out." "Come on, is he a good kisser?" "I don't remember." "Come on." "I just wanna know when I'm hosing off my windshield that the kissing was good." "Ray, I really don't remember." "None of these guys mean anything to me now." " What other gifts do you have?" " I don't know." "Um, the pepper grinder." "The pepper grinder?" "Our pepper grinder?" "The grinder I pepper my food with?" "Come-- what else?" "Ally's doll with the blue dress." "Susanna?" "Some boyfriend gave Ally the Susanna doll?" "No, he gave it to me." "Why did you let her play with it?" "She saw it and she wanted it." "She didn't know where it was from." "So she just saw some boyfriend doll?" "What, did you have it out when you were reading poetry and feeding the birds?" "With...pepper?" "You know..." "Maybe I don't wanna be closer to you." "It's too late now." "We're close, my friend." "What else?" " Ray, come on." " No, no." "Come on." "I want to know about all your other..." "Iover gifts." "Go ahead." "What, are you gonna write these down?" "Yeah, for insurance purposes." "Let's go, keep going." "Okay, all right." "The leaky cooler in the garage." ""Sucky cooler."" ""Leaky cooler."" "Yeah, I got my own system." "What else?" "The lamp with the horses." ""Horse's ass lamp."" "Keep goin'." "There are some other things, but I don't wanna play this anymore." "What other things?" "God, these things must be everywhere, right?" "What about in here?" "Huh?" "Anything in our bedroom?" "From your past?" "No." "There is." "There is, isn't there?" "What?" "What is it?" "Am Iwearing anyofit?" "The white picture frame." "That's around a picture of our children!" "Wait a minute." "They're our kids, Ray!" "Really?" "You sure that they weren't a "gift?"" " Honey, calm down!" " No!" "Oh, Ray, come on." "Come here." "No, no, no-- you can't lure me with your sex!" "That's how you do it, right?" "I come over there, and the next thing you know," "I'm in a cage with Chad and Gary, goin', "l hope Debra comes back!"" "Well, no, thank you!" "Hey, where you been?" "What's all this stuff?" "I bought some things." "I thought it was time to get some new, better things." "What did you get?" "What did I get?" "I got some great stuff." "I got a cooler, a lamp, a picture frame... and a pepper mill that has been "chef recommended."" "Some new, better things." "Oh, and I almost forgot..." ""Debra's ears."" ""One on each side," "Like a dainty cup," "So gently they hold thine sunglasses up." "So round and nice, with a subtle ridge," "There's no bone in there, it's cartilage."" "Okay, very nice." "So, now that we have all these things, you can get rid of all your other stuff." " Ray..." " What?" "If, as you say, Chad and Gary and the other givers of gifts don't mean anything, then you should have no reason to keep that stuff, so let's just toss it out." "Don't you think you're going a little overboard?" "No, I do not." "You're a completely rational person?" "Yes, I am." "Has anyone seen Susanna?" "You didn't!" "Didn't what?" "How are we supposed to know where your doll is?" "Maybe this is what happens when you don't take care of your things." "Ray!" " Did you look under your bed?" " Yes." " And the rest of your room?" " Yes." " And the trunk of my car?" " No." "Well, maybe before you come in here and start going," ""Mommy, Daddy, I can't find my things,"" "maybe you should look there." "What were you gonna do, Ray-- dump the doll's body in Jersey?" "I was just gonna take it for a ride." "Maybe... to come back with a brand-new, better doll." "Maybe a black one, unless maybe you have some kinda problem with that." "Oh, you are out of your mind!" "Are you gonna throw out the stuff or not?" " No!" " I would do it for you!" "I would never ask you to do that." "You wouldn't have to" "I'd never put you in a position of having to!" "Here, my entire pre-Debra female history, gone!" " What are you doing?" " I do it for you!" "Oh, this is crazy!" "Wait a minute." "What's in here?" "This is just the tape and a shoe horn." "There's nothing in here." "What, are you bluffing so I'll throw out my stuff?" "I wasn't bluffing..." "Debra." "That's all there is." "Ashoe horn?" "It came with the box." "What about that "What-a-Hunk" mug with the hearts?" "From my mom." "Don't feel sorry for me, unless you're feelin' sorry for me because I have to live in a museum of your erotic past." "It is not a museum." "So you admit it was erotic!" "You know what?" "It's time to clean house." "All right." "Okay, fine." "You--you throw it all out if you want." "You can throw out all my stuff, I don't care about that stuff." "But if you think that you are going to erase my past, you are not gonna do that." "And I don't know why you would want to do that." "Because my past has made me who I am." "So I can throw it all out?" "You know, you have a problem." "You know what your problem is?" "That tape." " No, it's not." " Yes, it is." "You think all these gifts mean as much to me as your precious tape means to you." "The tape doesn't mean anything to me, you just saw me throw it in the garbage!" "And I saw your face when you listened to it." "All of a sudden it was 20 years ago, and we were back in your dorm room." "I didn't make any face." "You turned all red and embarrassed." "Like on our first date when you ordered the..." ""filet mignon."" "So?" "It's a little embarrassing." "No." "It's more than that." "But if you don't want to tell me why" ""Karen 1982" still means so much to you," "I'm not gonna keep asking." "Why did she break up with me?" "What?" "That's why I kept the tape for so long." "I just...wanted to figure it out." "Could you listen to the tape?" "Maybe there's some hidden woman thing I'm not hearing." "I heard the tape." "She doesn't say why she breaks up with you." "Why doesn't she?" "I wasn't there." "What happened?" "I don't know." "Things were goin' good, we had been goin' out a for couple months... it seemed like she was happy with me." "Then I remember we went to see "Tootsie."" "I liked it, she liked it, we had fun..." "Next thing I know, "Good bye, forever, Ray."" "What did I do?" "People liked "Tootsie," right?" " I liked it." " See?" "So what was it?" "It's like somebody can break up with you at any time for no reason." "I just always wanted to know why, you know?" "Hi, Ray." "This is Debra." "Um..." "I've been doing some thinking, and these are the reasons why we should break up." "You're obsessive, insecure, selfish." "You don't always have the best judgment with your children and their dolls... and yet..." "I'm never gonna leave you, ever, because you happen to be perfect for me." "And I love you very much, you stupid, stupid man." "Beep!" "That's the best message anybody's ever left me." "Still wanna lure me with your sex?" "Did you ever listen to the rest of that tape from college?" "What do you mean?" "Sounded like there were a lot more messages on it." "No, I didn't listen." "After the Karen message, all I could listen to was Dan Fogelberg." "You ready?" "You ready for this?" "Hello, Raymond, it's your mother." "I haven't heard from you today." "Did you enjoy the cookies I sent you?" "Raymond, it's your mother." "I still haven't heard from you." "I hope you're all right." "Raymond Albert Barone!" "This is your mother!" "You pick up that phone and you call me!" "Ray, it's your father." "Jeezaloo, call your mother!" "Ray, Robert." "I was thinkin' of comin' up this weekend." "Are you talking to Raymond?" "I gotta get out of this house!" "I can't take it anymore." "Why would you go to college?" "You gotta help me, man!" "Give me that phone!" "Ma, no-- get outta my room!"