"even though i'm a nameless," "Disembodied voice," "I get a lot of envious fan mail." "Girl, it ain't got nothin' on this." "why?" "'Cause i get to make fun of morons." "Call 911!" "like the hatter who flipped his lid." "Aah!" "the guy who liked it too loud." "The girl who said this about her butt... could you just make it as big as you possibly can?" "how about the scam artist" "Who got squeezed out?" "Aah!" "the psycho dad who was just firing blanks." "Aah!" "the carjacker who got jacked by a car." "And the gangbanger who got banged by another gangbanger." "What's the next best thing to being me?" "The next episode of 1,000 ways to die." "death is everywhere." "Most of us try to avoid it." "Others can't get out of its way." "Every day, we fight a new war against germs... toxins... injury... illness, and catastrophe." "There's a lot of ways to wind up dead." "The fact that we survive at all is a miracle... because every day we live... we face 1,000 ways to die." "♪ ♪" "Okay, 1,000 ways fans, let's play a game." "We'll pretend for a moment" "That you've actually spent some time reading books." "Sooner or later, you would have come across" "The phrase, "mad as a hatter,"" "And you would have said to yourself," ""Self, i wonder where that phrase came from?"" "Excuse me, sir." "I need to have my hat refitted." "Do you do that?" "Aah!" "barnaby was, to put it bluntly," "Out of his freakin' mind." "this was a time when everyone wore hats" "And hat makers were in big demand." "But, like barnaby here, many of them went mad." "It was a medical mystery that wasn't solved" "Until decades later." "Swine!" "Out!" "Out!" "There's a term called "danbury shakes,"" "Which refers to danbury, connecticut," "Which was the mega-Center of hat making" "In the united states and the world." "It was a disease that hatters would get" "Because of their exposure to the mercury" "That was used in felting the hats," "And they would inhale the vapors" "And it would cause mercury poisoning," "And this was applied to the animal pelts." "in barnaby's case, his years of exposure" "To the toxic mercury fumes compromised his nervous system," "Causing brain damage, erratic behavior," "And hallucinations." "Finally, with his brain fried," "His immune system shutting down," "And his major organs damaged beyond repair," "The mad hatter who once was barnaby closed shop forever." "When someone is exposed to mercury vapors" "Over a long period of time," "You will see a progression of effects" "On the central nervous system" "To those that can be quite significant," "Including full body spasms." "Com bined with this, you would see kidney changes," "And this would ultimately result in death." "for barnaby, making hats was a living," "But the making made him mad." "he lost his mind... swine!" "his customers, and his health." "Aah!" "and then it made him dead." "Can you hear that?" "Does it get you high?" "Welcome to the drug lab of the future." "And clyde was the drug pusher of the future." "He didn't sell crack or heroin." "He sold digital drugs, audio files called i-Dose." "Thanks." " All right, man." "I-Dosing is also known as binaural beat therapy." "It's a process by which two different frequencies" "Which are similar are played into opposite ears" "Simultaneously, using stereo headphones." "And what your brains does is," "It synthesizes a third frequency." "You'll actually start to enter a different state of mind." "i-Dosers claim the specialized audio files" "Produce different highs..." "Anything from orgasmic to a full-On mind-Blowing lsd trip." "Clyde's customers were a combination of super-Nerds" "And junkies," "And he wanted to keep them hooked." "He got his hands on some experimental" "Military infrasound equipment." "This stuff was lethal." "Low frequency infrasonic weapons" "Typically operate between zero and 20 hertz." "It's tough to dial in these weapons," "So something that's less than lethal at 100 feet" "May be more than lethal at ten." "This type of equipment is certainly not readily available" "To the consumers." "It could, however, be purchased" "Through some digging on the internet." "clyde created a new audio file" "Made up of subsonic frequencies below 20 hertz." "He called it "satan's jackhammer."" "The military had been experimenting" "With audio weapons for crowd control." "The ultra-Low frequencies can produce" "Involuntary pants soiling, loss of balance," "And even heart attacks." "Clyde was looking for the ultimate high," "But he was in way over his head." "At extreme sound pressures," "In addition to damage to the eardrums," "Cellular cavitation will occur," "Which is, in effect, vaporizing the liquid" "Within the cells in almost every organ," "Which will create a catastrophic failure." "clyde learned a hard lesson." "Hertz hurts." "Coming up, a big booty becomes a hottie's big boo-Boo" "And a car thief's cries fall on deaf ears." "Could you just make it as big as you possibly can?" "tina's not talking to her lover." "She's trying to get this phony plastic surgeon" "To give her the mother of all booty-Shaking butts." "Why?" "Because tina wants to grab the attention of little ron," "A rapper who's had a string of hits" "All based around one common theme... ♪ big fat booty ♪" "♪ big fat booty, booty ♪" "♪ i want a butt with girth that wobbles the earth ♪" "♪ i want a butt so fat that i can have my cat ♪" "♪ big fat booty ♪" "♪ big fat booty, booty ♪ tina already made one attempt," "But if your butt isn't certified grade "a,"" "Beyonce-Alicious... you go ahead and take that somewhere else." "little ron won't even look your way." "Girl, it ain't got nothin' on this, okay?" "Come on, boo." "that's why we find tina" "In a shabby hotel room," "Getting her gluteus maximized with silicone injections." "This was one white suburban girl" "Desperate to gain entrance into the black hip-Hop world." "I hear stories about lots of people" "Going to lots of extremes" "That an average individual might not do" "To bring about this idealized union they have" "With this idealized person." "In their mind, it's virtually life or death." "unfortunately for tina," "The doctor was a fraud." "He was injecting not silicone but common bathroom caulk" "Directly into her butt cheeks." "Later that night," "Tina was ready to knock little ron's eyes out." "She had an ulterior motive." "Guess who's back." "she was a songwriter" "And wanted him to hear her new tune, cheek freak." "Little ron was on her like white on rice." "But tina had no time to wag her new butt in victory." "She started feeling iller than ill," "And in 60 seconds went from bad to worse" "To dropping dead right there on the dance floor." "Turns out, the quack accidentally injected" "Some of the caulk directly into her bloodstream." "The lumpy paste formed an embolism" "Which blocked her pulmonary artery," "Causing respiratory failure and heart attack." "Tina wanted to jump on little ron's booty bandwagon," "But her butt came up short." "So she pumped up its volume and wound up butted out." "♪ i want to shake my butt ♪" "♪ my big butt in your face ♪" "look at this guy." "Let's be honest here." "He's gonna die," "And you're gonna be happy he does." "Mickey was a car thief" "And a carjacker." "Being the half of man he was," "He only targeted women." "Oh, my god!" "Oh, my god!" "Get out of the car now!" " Please!" "I'm pregnant!" "Get out!" " Oh, god!" "Carjacking is a crime of violence." "Always, always, some sort of force is involved," "Whether it's a gun, a knife, pulling somebody out of the car." "If the person who owns the car" "Is still in the car when they're getting carjacked," "Then you have kidnapping, robbery, and sometimes murder." "mickey had his eye on his next victim." "She wasn't pregnant, but he still thought he could take her." "An automatic car window" "Closes with a force of 50 psi," "Just enough to crush mickey's windpipe" "And render his vocal chords useless." "If mickey could have screamed, it wouldn't have helped." "Five blocks later, by the time the driver realized" "She had an uninvited passenger," "Mickey's brain was completely drained of blood" "And mickey was road kill." "This is exactly like being put in a sleeper hold." "Instead of the upper arm and a forearm" "Pinching the carotid artery," "It's the window and the doorjamb" "Cutting off the blood flow to the brain," "And you lose consciousness within a matter of seconds" "And death, if it continues in this situation." "mickey was a total waste of life" "Who preyed on the weak." "Get out of the car now!" "the best thing to say about him... he's dead." "There." "Aren't you happy?" "Up next, it all comes crashing down" "On a wanna-Be gangster," "And a cheater has a crush on an suv." "in hollywood, people will do anything" "To land a role." "Take enrique here." "He's up for the lead in a low budget," "L.A. Gang-Inspired movie." "To get into the character," "Enrique infiltrated the 12th street locos," "A notorious and vicious group of hispanic thugs." "He'd gotten pretty far into their initiation process." "He passed tagging with flying colors." "Car stereo jacking, check." "He even went so far as to have the gang's logo" "Tattooed on his hairless, pretty boy actor's chest." "But there was one last test." "This is it, homes." "a gang initiation ritual called the beatdown." "If you can't take it, cap out." "The beatdown is to show, you know, your loyalty," "Your commitment to the gang." "It's the whole blood in, blood out thing, you know." "A beatdown sometimes lasts a matter of 30 seconds." "It can be two minutes." "And i have seen the ones getting beat down die." "enrique was wishing" "They used a stunt double for this scene." "Tap out." "Come on." " Are you gonna tap out?" "but he toughed it out." "You're a thug now, brother, for life." "even if he didn't get the part in the movie," "He'd always have the locos to fall back on." "But then a plot twist nobody saw coming." "The locos weren't the only gang working that night." "100 feet above them, a rival gang" "Were disposing of some evidence," "And our boy enrique was in the wrong place" "At the wrong time." "A corpse coming from 100 feet above," "With gravity as our acceleration parameter," "Would cause severe force to the living person's skull." "The skull would fracture," "And you'd have immediate bruising" "Within that area of the brain," "Causing a lack of blood supply to our brain and oxygen" "And would lead to immediate death." "aspiring actor enrique" "Wanted a part so bad," "He immersed himself in gang life." "But it was just pretend." "You're tough now, brother." "until that big O.G. In the sky yelled, "cut!" ""That's a wrap... homie."" "Lester was a scam artist who targeted small businesses" "Like this taco truck." "Can i get a taco?" " One taco." "he'd buy some food... thank you." " Thank you." "plant something disgusting..." "In this case, a rat leg..." "And then shake 'em down." "Oh, my god." "This is disgusting." "Can you come out here, please?" "Is this the special sauce or something?" "What do you think it is?" "That wasn't in the taco a second ago." "the taco truck owner" "Was stuck between paying off lester... dude, i'm gonna take you to court and sue you." "or going out of business." "He paid." "I'm either going to extort you" "Or i'm going to win in court." "The extortion pays a lot more." "The easier target is a mom and pop retail store." "I've threatened to take every business to court" "If they don't pay up," "Because i'm gonna get my money." "this was a good day for lester," "So when a platinum blond came around the corner" "In a blinged-Out suv," "He saw another opportunity." "All he had to do was step off the curb" "And let the legal system do the rest." "There's no way." "Uh-Uh." "aah!" "Oh, my god." "Damn it." "Aah!" "Oh!" "Oh, my god." "Oh, my god." "I've got to call you back." "Oh, my god." "Oh, my god." "Call 911!" "but then things got a little tight for lester," "Because when blondie grabbed her cell phone to call 911," "She stepped on the brake, allowing the handle of her bag" "To accidentally shift the car into neutral... oh, my god." "I'm calling them right now." "setting the three-Ton suv into motion." "Aah!" "Aah!" "In this case, the man died" "Because the stress applied by the hummer to his chest" "Crushed the bones and caused internal bodily damage" "To lungs and heart and other organs." "Can i get a taco?" " Sure." "lester put the squeeze on unsuspecting victims." "What is this?" "Is this the special sauce or something?" "but when he came face to face" "With three tons of steel and rubber..." "Aah!" "he got squeezed out." "His daughter hates him." "You don't go out." "You got that?" "the nra loves him." "And we can't wait until he dies." "Aah!" "up next." "That punk?" " Come on, daddy." "mike ruled his daughter megan's life" "Like a ruthless dictator." "You don't change, you don't go out." "You got that?" "Change!" "a year earlier," "He scared her mom away," "But megan was stuck with him." "You still look like a tramp!" "it wasn't hard to see" "Why megan had a hard time keeping a boyfriend." "I want her home at 2200 hours, you got that?" "Almost all fathers" "Are naturally a little bit overly protective." "If a father has a history of overstepping their boundaries" "With young women," "They are projecting onto this new suitor" "Sort of an evil intent," "An evil intent that maybe actually the father" "Had manifested at some point in his life." "but megan's new squeeze nick" "Was equal parts bold and dumb." "One thing about mike..." "He always had his radar up." "So when he heard giggles coming from megan's bedroom," "The ex war vet prepared for battle." "What are you doing here?" " We're just..." "I told you what was gonna happen!" "Nothing!" "Nothing's gonna happen!" "Dad!" " We're just studying!" "We're not doing anything!" "We're not doing anything!" "Aah!" "the bad thing about cruel practical jokes... it's blanks, man." "Just blanks." "Look!" "Daddy!" " Oh, my god!" "sometimes they blow up in your face." "When a normal round is fired," "The explosion of gunpowder sends a bullet from the chamber." "But mike's gun had blanks with crimped tips" "In place of the bullet." "When he pulled the trigger..." "A blank forces a column of air" "Under very high pressure out the front of the barrel," "Something in the order of 50,000 psi." "It was enough pressure to crack his skull," "Damage his brain, and kill him." "if megan wasn't already headed" "For a lifetime of therapy... you still look like a tramp!" "she is now." "Daddy!" " Oh, my god!" "gee." "Thanks, pop."