"Frank, pick up!" "Pick up, buddy, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up!" " Hello!" " I got a Code Red, here, pal." "I got a Code Red." "I just got tipped off that the health inspector's coming today!" "The guy's gonna be here in like 15 minutes." "They're pulling a fast one on us!" "Okay, I got the place looking pretty good already, 'cause I was anticipating something like this, but do me a favor." "Make sure no one is in the bar today, okay?" "I cannot have those guys in here making a mess, you got it?" "Oh, shit." "What the hell is this?" "Why are there chickens everywhere?" "No time to explain it to you, you wouldn't get it anyway." " What are you painting?" " It's a new sign." "Okay?" "Look." ""Carmine's:" "A Place for Steaks."" "What?" "No, I can't have you put that sign up." "The health inspector's coming, like, any minute!" " So what?" " So what?" "So we're not Carmine's." "Look, I can't have them see the sign." "Who gives a shit?" "We always get a passing grade." "Yeah, we get a passing grade because I bust my ass to make sure that happens, okay?" "And we don't pretend that we're a restaurant!" "Look, this is fucking crazy!" "No sign!" "No, we're using the sign, because the sign's a big part of the plan." "What is the plan?" "What is happening?" "Charlie, we found a loophole in the system." "Yeah, it's a closing loophole;" "It involves airline miles and points." "You're doing a chicken and airline miles scam today?" "Look, it is a great plan, okay?" "We do not have a ton of time to explain it to you, we're busy..." "Okay, fine, whatever, I get it, I get it." " No, you don't." " It's a good plan, Charlie." "Frank, Jesus Christ, man, where are your shoes?" " I lost 'em in the bathroom." " All right, goddamn it." "I gotta think here." "Okay, here's what we're gonna do." "We gotta get all these chickens and coops and feathers and everything in the back office." "Now!" "Go!" "Why the hell would we do that?" "Well, I assume you don't want a health inspector seeing anything about a chicken "scam" you're trying to pull off." " That's a good point." " All right, yeah, fine." "But don't pretend like you understand the plan, 'cause that's gonna piss me off." "Okay." "Dee, get the joke stool in the basement, all right?" " Can't have it out." " What?" "No way." "It's hilarious." "It's not hilarious, it's just a stool with a nail sticking out of it." "Yeah, and when it pokes their butts, they scream, 'cause they just got a nail right in the butt." "I... you don't understand comedy, at all." "You don't understand comedy." "That's not a joke, it's a lawsuit." "Just put it in the basement." " All right, all right, fine." "Okay!" "Relax!" " Can't have the guy sitting on that..." "All right, Frank, let's go." "Bathroom!" "Come on!" " I gotta find your shoes!" "Let's go, let's go." " All right, all right..." "And then help with the chickens, if you can, please." "Move, move, move, move." "How could you have possibly lost your shoes in..." "Oh, my God." "No!" "No, no, no, no, no, no, no!" " What's wrong with the toilet?" " Looks clogged." "What the hell?" "I just had these all in, like, perfect working condition." " Must be my shoes." " Your shoes?" "What are you talking about?" "Well, when I said I lost my shoes, I didn't mean I didn't know where they were." "It's just that they were gone." "You flushed your shoes down the toilet?" "Why would you do that?" "It's an anxiety thing, Charlie." "Everybody's moving so fast all of a sudden, it freaks me out." "Flushing things gives me control." "It's a thing." " That's not a thing." " It's a thing." "That's not a thing, I've never heard of that thing." "All right, I gotta dig 'em out." " Want me to get a snake tool?" " No, I'm just gonna..." "Look, just go help with the chickens, okay?" "Help with the chickens, please?" "Get 'em in the back office, do whatever you can!" "Charlie, I need you for something." "Goddamn, the thing's broken." "Look, can you give me that fix bag right there?" "Uh, yeah, yeah, sure." "Hey, listen, um... we've got a huge problem out there, dude." " Oh." " Earlier, when Dennis said" ""We've got a really good idea with this plan,"" "that wasn't entirely accurate, 'cause it was actually my idea and I think the usage of the word "we" in there is really confusing, because, like, how can a whole group of people have the same idea at the same time?" "What, do they just say it all at once?" "It's ludicrous." "I don't understand why you're angling for credit right now." "We'll go through the normal arbitration process at the end of all of this." "Right." "Well, I've just been screwed at the last three arbitration processes, and I just want you to be on my side, you know?" "'Cause I really need you." "Whatever, dude." "I don't care." "Wait." "What happened to the glory hole cover?" "I took it off." "I-I thought you..." "you put it on there by accident." "No, I put it up there because I don't want the health inspector seeing that we have a place for a person to get their dick sucked by a stranger." "Dude, uou are taking this whole inspection thing way too seriously, okay?" "Back to the credit issue... you just don't know what it's like to be overlooked." "Oh, my God, that's exactly what's happening to me right now." "Okay." "You know what?" "Maybe I'll just casually bring it up to him and then he won't even know what we're talking about." "Ha!" "I got a fix!" "I got a fix right here-- all right, we'll just put this up and boom, that's pretty good." "What was that?" "Why did the lights go out?" "Uh, that could be the vacuum sealer." "That thing probably pulls a lot of power." " Vacuum sealer?" "What the hell?" " Yeah." "All right, where's this packaging machine thing?" " The keg room." " The keg room?" "Okay, good, they're back on." "Frank, Frank, Frank, don't go away!" "Okay, keep moving chickens, yes, but I need you to take the "Talk American" sign down." "Are you sure?" "Maybe he's a racist, too." "The health inspector's not a racist, Frank." "Take it down, please, okay?" "And shoes-- shoes, please?" "Find some shoes?" " I got this." " Oh, shit!" "This thing's tits!" "No, no, no, you can't use this machine, okay?" "It blew the surge protector." "Well, we can't do the plan without the packaging machine." " How else are we supposed to vacuum-seal the steaks?" " Steaks?" "This is a chicken and air mile and steak scam, now?" " Yeah." " All right, fine." "I can work with it, I can work with it." "Just do me a favor, start packaging lemons and limes and things," " make it seem like we package..." " Fun." " Dee, I need you down in the basement, I need your reach." " Me?" "Yeah, real quick, come on." "Okay." "Hey, Dennis." "Could I talk to you for a second?" "Do me a favor." "I got a battery here." "Reach up in the carbon monoxide detector, just pop it in real quick?" "Yeah, you got it." "Hey, Charlie, while we're down here, I just wanted to talk to you about ideas... and how funny it is that they can come from all kinds of different places, you know?" " Somebody could say something really funny..." " Shh, shh, shh-  and it might spark an idea..." " Dee, zip up the mouth..." "No, I know, but before the arbitration, I need to know..." "Dee, shut up, shut up, shut up!" "That's, uh, G-sharp." "Okay, I got it, I got it." " Yeah, yeah." " Is it broken?" "It won't shut the hell up." "No, it's doing exactly what it's supposed to do and that's the problem." "There's, like, a ton of carbon monoxide down here," " so I don't want it doing that." " What?" "Why?" "Uh, well, I... actually, what I do is I block the vents to the furnace and that fills the basement with dangerous gases." "Drives the rodents away." "I always do it leading up to an inspection." " Is that safe?" " No, no." "It's incredibly unsafe." "We can't be down here too long," " so just get the battery and we gotta roll." " Oh, my God." " Yeah, get it out." "And then just make it look like..." " God damn you, Charlie." " Goddamn it, go." " All right, go, go, go." " You getting light-headed?" " Yes!" "Why'd I hear a squeal?" "Oh, no, dude, why are you bleeding?" "Dennis scratched me." "Mac was doing that thing where he tries to casually bring something up to me, like I don't notice." "Come to me like a man!" " Talk about being tough all the time;" "Can't even look me in the eyes." " Okay." " How's the for shoes, Charlie?" " Aw, no, Frank, come on, man!" "You're gonna get black paint everywhere!" "I changed my mind about the stool." "No, no stool." "Stool's out." "No way!" "It's just that it was my idea, Dennis." "It's sort of like the jean shorts, you know, where you..." "Look at me when you're talking to me!" "Oh, shit." "The steaks are here." "Nice." " Whoa." "That's a big truck." " Shit." "No, no, no, no, no." "I can't have this truck out here!" "Hey, uh, is this Carmine's Steak House?" "You're looking at the sign, pal." "Oh." "Hey, you guys mind if I get a quick bite here before we begin?" "You want to eat here?" "Uh, yeah, you know, it's a long drive back to Ohio and I figured I was gonna be here a while, unloading all these steaks." "Well, you won't be here that long, right?" "I mean, it's only 400 steaks." "Four hundred?" "You ordered 4,000." "Excuse me, I gotta use the toilet." " Oh, shit." " Oh, gosh, you know what?" "The thing is, our kitchen's not open..." "Okay, you know what?" "Yeah." "Go ahead, uh, leave the keys in it, maybe pop the back, we'll help you get started." "I'm gonna fire up the grill and all set." " Okay." " We got you covered." "We got you..." "Oh, son of a bitch." "Did you flush your shirt?" " Yep." " Okay, uh, I don't want to interrupt here, Charlie, but we got a major problem on our hands." "We are not a restaurant that serves food, and B):" "How are we gonna package 4,000 steaks?" "Look, we can handle it, okay?" " Dee, we should've never done your stupid plan!" " My plan?" " No way, this was Frank's idea." " Wasn't my idea." " Dennis was all over it." " Me?" "No, this was Mac's stupid plan." " Then why'd you scratch me?" " 'Cause I was irritated with you." "Look, we can handle all of this, all right?" "Excuse me, with all due respect, Charlie, you don't even know what the goddamn plan is." "Okay, okay, with all due respect to you, I think I understand it fully, okay?" "You guys used Frank's credit card, you bought a bunch of airline miles." "You used those airline miles to purchase 400 steaks." "Knowing that this delivery company delivered all variety of animal products, your plan was to contaminate the steaks with chicken feathers, by rubbing live chickens all over them." "Then you were gonna repackage the steaks, at which point, you were gonna return the contaminated steaks for actual cash, taking advantage of a loophole in the current airline miles system, correct?" " Very good, Charlie." " That is it, that is it." "That was the plan, but I mean... you know, we basically had already explained it to you, so..." "Right." "But what you didn't plan for was a hungry delivery guy who'd driven here all the way from Ohio." "Or that Dee's oversized fingers could've accidentally pressed "zero" again when she ordered the steaks online." "I'm assuming you did the typing, Dee, yes?" " Goddamn it." " Dee, you bitch." "But none of this matters to me, okay?" "Because today is inspection day." "A day that I pride myself on, a day that I've never failed on and I don't plan to begin failing now, so listen to me and listen close, like you've never done before." "We are going to pull this thing off, so help me God." "Son of a bitch." "Okay, here we go." "Here's the plan:" "Dee, Frank, come with me." "I want you guys to set up a table and chair in the alleyway, all right?" "This guy's gonna be dining in our patio area." "Dee, take his order, make him think it's a real restaurant." "Frank, as soon as you're done, haul ass down the alleyway, move the guy's truck, all right?" "All right, I need you guys to take down the Carmine sign." "I can't have it up when the inspector gets here, all right?" " And get me a steak off the truck, okay?" " Gladly." "All right, I'm gonna show this guy to his table." "Here we go." "Oh, hey, right on time!" "Here's my guy." "You know what?" "Don't even bother unloading, 'cause I'm gonna have my guys handle it, okay?" " You sure?" " Oh, absolutely." "The keys are in the truck, right?" " Yeah, they're..." " All right, come on in." "Let's go have a bite to eat." "I know you're a hungry guy." " Oh, it's-it's a nice spot." " Yeah, it's a nice spot." "We can't complain." "See all these booths over here?" "They're nice." "And we got a patio area." "I think you're gonna enjoy sitting there." "You know what?" "A booth is, is fine." "Oh, no, see, look, we got these old stools and old booths, but the patio area is really something special." " You know, you're a top-shelf customer, right?" " Right." "You want to be having the top-shelf experience." "And here we go." "Welcome!" "Please, make yourself comfortable." "Yeah, have a seat and, uh, enjoy the patio." "Uh, this is an alley." "I think I'd rather just sit inside." "Spends all day in a truck and he wants to eat indoors!" "Hey, the man needs fresh air!" " Dee, take his order, okay?" " Yes, yes." " Uh, what can I get you?" " Okay, here we go." "Okay, here we go." "Okay." "Here we go." "Mac!" "Steaks!" "Steaks!" "All right, back on this!" "Dennis, I need you to be the face in the bar, okay?" "I accept that responsibility." "Frank, go, go, go!" "Okay, here's my guy, right on time." "Come on, now, buddy, here we go." "Wait-- wait, wait, whoa, whoa, whoa-- who's this?" "No, no, no, ma'am, ma'am, I'm sorry, you can't park here." " Are you the owner?" " Uh, yeah, Charlie Kelly." " Who's asking?" " I'm, uh, Sandy Lawlor." "I'm with the City Board of Health." "I'll be conducting an impromptu inspection of your bar." "Okay, yeah, uh, what happened to Alan?" "Alan was let go on account of his leniency." " Shall we begin?" " Okay." "Uh... sure." "All right, let's get going." "Right in here." "This is our, uh, bartender over here." "All right, all right, all right." "Okay." "He's a bit of a character." " Where would you like to begin?" " Let's, uh, begin with the bathrooms." "Okay, that's fine." "Come on in this way." " I assume all the toilets are in working order." " Oh, absolutely." "Yeah, I wouldn't bother checking if I were you." "I think I will." " You're standing awfully close to me." " Sorry about that." " Yeah." " Do I smell cheese?" "I'm gonna leave you to it." "You do your thing, okay?" "Dennis, heads up." "What are these?" "They're car keys, okay?" "Just picked her pocket." "Go move her car, so Frank can pull the truck up." "Okay." "Hey, Dee, hold up." "Okay, put this on the furnace, all right?" " Cook it up good." "Oh, no, he wants a turkey burger." " What?" "Why?" "I don't know." "I offered it to him." " Why would you do that?" " You said pretend we're a restaurant-- he looked like a turkey burger kind of guy." "He looks like a turkey burger kind of guy?" "!" "Oh, my God, Dee, just put it on the furnace, okay, cook it up." "Tell him you got the order wrong, just tell him you got the thing wrong." "Oh, my God, what a stupid bitch." "What a stupid bitch she is." "Okay." "Dude, what's the point with the chickens?" "Okay, everything's going in the back, all right?" "Chickens, cages, they're all going in the back." "But first, count to, like, 30, and then start moaning into it." " Why?" " Will you just do it?" "Okay?" "Don't ask questions, just moan a bit, after a couple of moans say, "I'm sorry."" " You got it?" "29, 28, 27..." " Okay, sure, yeah." " 26, 25..." " 24, 23, 22, 21, 20... 19, 18, 17, 16, 15, 14, 13," "12, 11, ten, nine..." "And how are we lookin' in..." "here!" " It's acceptable so far." " Okay." "Oh, I guess there's somebody in there." "It sounds like there's somebody in there, yeah." "Let's take a little peek." "Hey, buddy, how about a courtesy cough or something next time?" " Well, I'm sorry." " Don't be sorry, you know?" "Just, uh, give us all a heads-up you're in here, save us all the embarrassment, you know?" "Some people, they got, like, no sort of social boundaries or anything like that." "It's really kind of an awkward thing." "Did you meet our bartender?" "Hey!" "All right, all right, all right." "That's right, I think I introduced you to him." "You want to check out the women's bathroom?" " Yeah." " Women's bathroom, I assure you, is spotless." "Well, we'll see." "No, we actually hardly ever have women in here, so..." "But we're not being graded on that." "All right, in you go, in you go." "Go ahead and take a... move your bowels if you have to." "All right, okay, back office, okay?" "Chickens-- vents-- everything's going in the vents," " so get in the back." "Go, go, go!" " Okay, okay." "The furnace cooked it way too fast-- it's charred to shit." " It doesn't matter." " It doesn't matter?" "I'm gonna give him the wrong order and just hand him a burned-up steak?" " He's gonna be pissed." " Dee, this guy's not grading our bar" "I don't care if he has the worst dining experience of his life-- go give him the burned steak." " Okay, how's this...?" " How am I gonna get all these steaks off the truck?" "You don't have to get 'em all, okay?" "We're just gonna contaminate a couple," " then we're gonna put the chickens onto the truck." " Why?" "Frank, we're gonna contaminate the whole truck, all right?" "That goes to the keg room, and for the love of God, find a shirt!" "Find a shirt, Frank!" "All right, okay, okay." "Ah, okay." "Come on, come on, come on." " Okay." "Nice." " Done." "Well done!" "Okay!" "Up top!" "All right, okay, here's the plan:" "Got to go to the third stall vents in the bathroom." "Chickens are coming out there." "Everything goes to the keg room, right?" "Start rubbing chickens on steaks, seal them up good." "And then put everything on the truck-- chickens, steaks," " everything on the truck!" " Got it, got it..." "We're contaminating the truck, guys." "That's the plan." "What is this?" " What are you doing?" " I'm painting a shirt!" "No!" "All right, look, just, uh, get out of sight!" "Or go to the keg room, hide out." "I'm gonna send Dee to you in a minute, all right?" "In fact, just keep painting, that's fine, but go in the keg room." "Oh, my God, what an idiot." "Hi." "Oh, hi, hello." "I'm sorry, is there a-a problem out here?" " He's making a big stink about the steak." " The steak is burnt to shit." " It's not even what I ordered." " Would you look at that?" "Aw, man, I'll tell you what." "I'm gonna give you a beer on the house-  come on inside." " Oh, how nice!" " No, I'll just take it here." "No, actually we don't have our outdoor liquor license, so I so I got to have you drink it inside, in you go!" "You know what-- this is the worst restaurant I've ever been to." "So sorry, terribly sorry, sir, terribly sorry." " Aw, Charlie, that's not good!" " What are you talking about?" "It's great!" "Thinks we're a real restaurant." "Okay, Dee, table, chairs-- everything's going in the Dumpster, all right?" "And then please push it, like, you know, another couple inches from the door," " it doesn't look like six feet to me." " What?" "Of course it does." "No, no, Dee." "It looks like five and a half, okay?" "You think she's gonna notice six inches?" "You move the goddamn Dumpster, you bitch, okay?" "Then haul ass down the alleyway." "Yeah." "Okay." "Hi!" "Hi!" "How'd it go in there?" "Uh, fine, I suppose." "Everything checks out." " Hello." " Hello." "Yeah, lots of customers." "We're a bustling business, so why don't you head on out to the alleyway and see if there's anything there that needs, uh, inspecting." "And, ooh, sir, whoa, whoa, whoa!" "Sorry." " No, no, no!" " I'm gonna need you to drink that in our VIP lounge area." " I just want to drink it here." " Oh, come on!" "A very important customer like yourself sitting on a bar with the regulars?" "I think you're gonna enjoy the exclusivity of the lounge area," " so just enjoy that." " It's not a lounge area..." "Hey, all right, all right, all right!" " Why are you doing that to me?" " I don't know." "Okay, I don't need you to do that to me, all right?" "Just go, go-- yeah, you gotta finish the job!" " How'd it go with the Dumpster?" "You move it?" " Huh?" "Yes." "Okay, here's the plan." "Give this to Frank." "Tell him G-sharp." "Then you got to paint him head to toe in black." " Why would I do any of that?" " Dee, just do it, okay?" "Just do it, you goddamn bitch." "Oh, you bitch!" "Stop questioning everything!" "Oh, that goddamn bitch." "Oh, that goddamn bitch!" "Oh, my God, she's gonna ruin it all." "And how are we out here?" "Everything will be in the report." " Yeah, sure." " Mind if I head behind the bar?" "No!" "Sure!" "That's not an issue." "Yeah, come check out the bar." "You know, the bar is sort of the lifeblood of a bar." "I said bar, bar twice!" "And, oh, you know what?" "There's drainage pipes down there that I don't want you to check." ""Drainage pipes"?" "I'm sorry, Mr. Kelly." " I have to check it out." " Well, if you gotta do it, you gotta do it." "Now... you know, but..." "I mean, I know that they're a little wet, they get damp and, uh..." " Actually, they look pretty good." " All right, well, that's great." "Uh, so one last thing." "I suppose I want to show the blender here," " for our mixing up frozen drinks or..." " I really don't need to see that." "Turn it up higher?" " I don't really need to..." " No, that's not a good idea, but here we go..." "See?" "Yeah, we blew the power." "It's not really environmentally safe to turn it up that high, that's why never really do it." "I should drag you in for that one" " I'm not gonna." "That's a joke." "I'd love to show you our packaging machine I keep in the keg room." "Here, come take a peek here." "Look at all this." " Look at all of this!" " Oh, my!" "This is..." "A bit excessive?" "Yes, I know, but I'm a little anal when it comes to securing the perishables." "You know, I just don't want anything to get rotten, and that's about as-as good as it gets." "You're not the only one with standards around here." "So, come on down to the basement and you can check this out." "Okay, so, uh, watch your step on the stairs here." "Wouldn't want you to trip on any old paint cans or anything like that, but hopefully everything down here, you know, has been properly painted and put where it's supposed to be." "So, you know what I'm saying?" "No, I don't." " Where's the carbon monoxide detector?" " Carbon monoxide detector!" "All right, so you reach up there and you give that a poke and everything should..." "Great and... oh!" "Twice, okay." "Excellent." "All right, that was excellent." "Uh, I'm feeling a little light-headed." "Yeah, could it be the stairs?" "Or, you know, maybe you're just dizzy by the cleanliness." " So, let's get you out of here." " What?" "No sense in lingering around." "You checked the carbon monoxide and that, that's all you got to do there-- okay, let's see." "Uh, I think we covered everything." "I mean, uh, doorknob?" "That works." "Showed you all the packaged produce." " Hey, did you meet our bartender?" " All right, all right." "We're not paying for contaminated steaks!" "Your entire truck is filled with chickens!" "You want me to return 4,000 steaks?" " This restaurant is insane." " "Restaurant"?" "Uh, well, yeah, if you count a bowl of peanuts, you know?" "We get the drunks in here, they get all ornery and confused." "What are you gonna do?" "It comes with the territory." "Well, I'd love to spend" " a little bit more time in here..." " Ah, that's about it, Mr. Kelly." " That's it?" " Yeah." " Oh..." " Hey!" "Yes?" "Are you talking to me?" " Yeah." " What is it?" "All right, all right, all right." " Yes." "Okay." " You know, all right, all right, all right." "Kind of says it all." "So, here we go." "Uh, last thing, Sandy." "Is this concrete regulation?" "You know, I know there's some cracks and..." "It looks fine." "But I'll tell you what's not fine, Mr. Kelly, and that's the Dumpster." "The regulation is exactly six feet and you were at five and a half." "Oh, that goddamn bitch!" "I know Allen would let this slide, but I'm not Allen." "I'll have to dock you for that." "Okay, well, I understand, and I assure you that those responsible, they'll be dealt with." "However, you do have an amazingly clean bar and therefore I'm giving Paddy's Pub the highest possible grade." "Congratulations." "Oh, my..." "You got me with the whole Dumpster thing!" " Oh, man, that's really, really exciting stuff!" " Oh, well..." " It's just really fantastic." " That was nice." " Have a wonderful day." " Okay." "Okay." "Guys, we got the highest grade!" "I didn't think we were gonna do it because of the Dumpster, but, man, she got us the highest grade!" " The highest grade of...?" " The health inspection!" "We passed the health inspection!" " Boo!" " Oh, yeah, we don't, we don't give a shit about that." " Yeah, we were excited about the airline miles thing." " Yeah!" "Well, yeah, that's cool, too, but the health inspection was the whole thing, man!" "I pulled it off!" "It was like, "Here goes there!"" " I did the whole thing." " Uh, Charlie, come on." "We always pass, okay?" "We never have a hard time passing." "It's not a big deal." "Nobody gives a shit." "You didn't do anything that special." " That's how you make a joke stool right there!" "That's..." " Ow, Charlie!" " Did you do that?" " Yeah, you know what?" " I think I did." " You did it?" " Oh, that's so funny!" " Are you kidding me?" "!" " I thought I saw you!" " Are you kid...?" "Unbelievable."