"[thunder crashing] [drilling, sawing]" "[electricity crackling]" "It's alive!" "[laughing evilly]" "Can you hear me?" "Hello?" "Oh, okay, there you are." "Oh, fuck!" "Hello?" "Hello?" "Are you there?" "Damn it!" "I swear, I would blow a zebra if I could get a cellphone that never drops the signal!" "[laughs]" "I have heard your wish." "I am a wish-granting zebra." "Seriously?" "!" "I-I can't believe it." "So, you can make my cellphone work anywhere?" "I don't know." "Can I?" "[gagging]" "Oh, come on, it wasn't that bad." "Think of all the calls you can make now." " Yeah, I guess that's true." " Hey, you going west?" "Could you give me a ride to the Palisades?" "Uh, I-I guess." "Hey." "Hey, honey." "Yeah, no, I'm just on the way over-- [beep]" "Hello?" "Hey, what's the deal?" "!" "Well, I only fixed your phone." "I can't fix theirs." "Okay, I-I guess that makes sense." "Wait a second [tires screech]" "What's up, pal?" " I was talking to my wife." " Okay." "She was on the phone in our house!" "That's a landline!" "Is that right?" "Well, this is my stop." "What the hell?" "!" "You're not a zebra at all!" "Nope, just a horny little horse with some smoke bombs to spare!" "Poof!" "[laughs]" "Veringular Wireless." "So you don't have to blow a magical zebra." "What do you want for your last meal, Anderson?" "I want to eat your wife's [bleep]" "Damn it!" "Not again!" "[beep]" "Honey, it's me." "Can you head over to the jail with your lasagna?" "Great." "Thanks." "[bleep]" "Can we replace the batteries in that smoke detector?" "[siren wailing]" "Oh, damn it!" "Chips!" "[wailing continues]" "License and registration, please." "Ow!" "Wow, you are freaking delicious!" "[guns cock]" "Hey, hey, easy, pal!" "[tires screech]" "You boys need a little backup?" "Who's the new guy?" "Name's Pringle." "Something a little too perfect about you." "Something doesn't stack up." "Oh, I stack up." "I stack up real nice." "Bye!" "[tires screech]" "Not so fast, buddy." "[tires screech]" "Wow, that was real ranch style, Pringle!" "You know it." "And then he just roped the guy." "It was beautiful, chief." "Yeah, but it went against department protocol." "We had to can him." "[muffled] I'm a good cop!" "# Whoa #" "# I'm crushing # # on a crush #" "# Bicycles, lemonade, Game Boy #" "# Game Boy #" "# Crushing so hard #" "# So hard, girl # # and I like Skittle, Sk-Skittles #" "# Skittle, Sk-Skittles #" "And cut!" "This is the edgiest thing I've ever worked on!" "Edgy?" "Yeah, young lesbian proud of who she is, singing about it" "Awesome!" "That's a little boy." "[thud, feedback] [animals chattering] [sloop!" "]" "Ow, my [bleep] back!" "No, d-d-don't touch me!" "Just go get someone, Sharon!" "Autobots, Earth is our home now." "As such, we should give ourselves earthly names." "Okay, I guess I'll be Bumblebee." "It's cute and nonthreatening." "I enjoy the music I've heard some of these Earth cats play." "I'll go by Jazz." "And I shall be Optimus Prime." " Oh, really?" " What?" "Optimus Prime?" "I didn't call myself Maximus Genitalia." "But you know I'm the leader." "Yeah, man, we do know, which makes me wonder why I have to be reminded every time we say your name." "You know we all think you're great, man." "Who you trying to convince?" "[echoing] Convince, convince." "Hey, dad, I got an "A" on my Math test." "Oh, good job, Incredibus Disappointmentmax." "They hand out football trophies for "'A' on Math test"?" "Uh, no." "Well, then transform and roll out of my [bleep] way!" "Oh." "Oh, daddy." "And now you know." "Are you okay..." "Optimus Prime?" "Oh, you sons of bitches." "[laughs] Come here." "Give it up, Sinestro!" "Just turn yourself in!" "You know what?" "I should!" "I should do that just to blow your [bleep] mind!" "Yeah, I dareyou!" "You dare me to end our decades-old rivalry on a dare?" "How would that even work?" "Just walk right into the police station and tell them to cuff you." "Aha!" "Aah!" "[crying]" "Oh, God!" "Oh, God, I-I meant to do handcuffs!" " Aah, my hands, aah!" " Oh, my God!" "Oh, God, I'm so sorry!" "Oh, God, I can't look!" "I can't " " I got to bounce!" "I'm sorry!" "I'll call 911 from the car, I swear!" "[ding!" "]" "[door closes, tires screech] [warble!" "]" "Welcome back to Oa, home of the Green Lantern corps." "[ding!" "]" "I'm sorry, Hal Jordan, but we cannot restore your hands." "But power rings can do anything given enough willpower!" "Oh, really?" "You wipe out cancer on Earth?" "Well..." "No!" "We feel for you, Hal Jordan, but you can no longer wield the power ring." "Having fingers is kind of a prerequisite." "Um, there is a -- well, there [chuckles] there is one other place I could wear a power ring." "Like on a necklace?" "You'd never interface properly." "No." "Another place, south o' the border." "Jordan, are we talking about [bleep] ring?" "We are talking about a [bleep] ring." "Oh!" "Gee, buddy, did you consider a toe ring, maybe?" "Uh, how's a toe ring going to fit on my penis?" "Stupid!" "Wah, wah." "Wah, wah, wah, wah." "Wah, wah." "A new kid?" "Oh, boy, maybe he'll take over my position on the totem pole around here." "You'll always be the [bleep] catcher, Charlie Brown!" "Well, whoever he is, he'll never replace by sweet Babboo!" "Oh, brother!" "Hey, everyone." "My name is Ren " " Ren McCormack." " Beat it!" " Aah!" "Ooh, hello!" "You're just in time for our dance rehearsal." "We're practicing a number for our Christmas pageant." "I love to dance!" "My last town banned dancing entirely." "You might say dancing makes me feel footloose and fancy free." "Look, I'm Kevin Bacon's character from "Footloose."" "And a-one and a-two." "[up-tempo music playing]" "Oh, my God, this is the worst dancing I have ever seen." "What do you mean?" "I'm sorry [bleep] box, but you're" " It's pig-pen." " Sorry." "It's okay." "You made a lateral error at best." "You're just all repeating the same move over and over again." "I mean, what is this kid even doing?" "I couldn't think of a dance!" "I panicked!" "Sorry, guys." "I got to get the [bleep] out of here." "I would rather move back to a town with no dancing than stay here." "And a-one and a-two." "[up-tempo music playing] [up-tempo music playing] [rock music playing]" "# Ooh-ooh-ooh # # ooh-ooh-ooh #" "# Ahhhh #" "# I'm gonna fly so high #" "# Gonna spread my wings #" "# Flying through the heavens Where the angels sing #" "# Nothing's stopping me now #" "# No dream is too big #" "# Gonna save the day #" "# I can do anything #" "# I can do anything # [machine-gun fire] [school bell rings]" "Good news, Ren." "Turns out you can't outlaw dancing." "It's unconstitutional." "All right!" "Yeah, but then they passed a new law." "Now we have to use Creationist textbooks." "[record scratches]" "Rats!" "[machine-gun fire] [laughs]" "Bet that stupid junkyard dog can't catch us!" "[growls]" "You're messing with the dog!" "[growls]" "You died in 1998, dumb ass!" "[groans] [angels vocalizing]" "Are you ready for more of those hilarious bloopers?" "!" "Well, unfortunately, those hilarious clips have to be licensed, which costs money, which is in short supply since our CPA liquidated our assets and blew town to go feast on Thai schoolboys!" "[canned laughter]" "So instead, here are some hilarious clips from my very own life!" "[singing indistinctly]" "Daddy, when I grow up, I'm gonna marry that pretty singer!" "She's the prettiest girl I've ever seen!" "No, daddy, no!" "Her first name is "boy," Dillweed!" "You come back here!" "This is [bleep] kryptonite, son!" "You might say my balls were scared straight." "[canned laughter]" "This next clip really made me the butt of the joke!" "Whoo-ee!" "This burrito is spicy!" "[gulping]" "Nothing beats Mexican tap water." "[stomach gurgling]" "That was probably a mistake." "[farting loudly]" "My asshole is still 50% scar tissue!" "[canned laughter]" "Between Montezuma's revenge and Boy George, it was gonna happen one way or another." "Oh, come on, man, you got to cash in that "V" card sometime!" "You're the only virgin I know, bro!" " Yeah, but she's so" " Dude, it's starter [bleep]" "You work your way up the food chain, I promise." "Oh, uh, geez, sorry." "It was my first time." "Yeah, you said that." "I got an early class, so..." "Probably too late to put this on, huh?" "You didn't put" " Oh, my God!" "And I'm pregnant." "How can you tell?" "Well, that's all the time I have." "Yep, for your good buddy the "Bloopers" host, you might say, time is up." "For my next trick, I'll need an assistant." "Please welcome my pregnant 13-year-old daughter, Stephanie!" "[applause]" "That's right" " I was such a good parent, God is bumping me to grandparent status way ahead of schedule!" "Dad, my ankles hurt!" "Please drive me home!" "Just as soon as Daddy commits hari-kari, honey." "Now, when I disembowel myself, you cut my head off with the katana!" "[sighs] I'll be in the car." "[canned laughter]" "Stop mocking me." "[canned laughter] [distorted laughter]" "Stop mocking me!" "Dad!" "Coming!" "[clatters] [sloop!" "]" "[machine-gun fire]"