"# Theme music" "(Laughter)" "Nice one, Pig.|" "Hey!" "Up next, Jason Mraz." "We are out." "Um, Jason Mraz is a no-show.|" "Ah, shit." "Thanks, Karen." "Mraz is snowboarding." "James Reyne|can be here in seven minutes." "We could finally do Sneaky Farts!" "|" "Yes!" "One of us farts into the microphone, listeners call in|and guess who it was." "Pig, got a relationship story?" "My situation has gotten|a little bit..." "legal." "I've started dating someone.|" "Cynth!" "Have you got a bloke on the go?" "|" "No, I don't." "Perfectamundo." "Let's do that." "Do what?" "|" "We're back in ten." "Let's get a photo of her|on the website, Karen." "Smile!" "|" "In three." "Sit down.|" "Sorry." "You are listening to Thunder FM." "It is 7:46 in the AM, and Pig,|it's gotten a bit steamy in the sty." "(Squeals and laughs)" "The first five single dudes|to get into the studio get to grab a hot date|with single Cynth, because we are playing|" "Perfect Snatch." "JINGLE: # Perfect Snatch" "Is it too much?" "Oh, Jen, it's perfect.|" "It's beautiful." "Do I look tired?" "Because I've been|pretending to be a lion all day, which is exhausting." "You need to take a break|from being a mum and try and enjoy being..." "Don't you dare say 'cougar'.|..a single, sexy, hot chick." "The great thing about going out|with Greg's brother is that if it all goes well,|then we're going to be family." "Ha!" "Oh, settle down, sister." "Bubbly!" "That's a good sign...|(Chuckles)" "..for you. (Laughs)" "Wow." "Jen, you look great." "Oh." "Good." "Thank you." "Thanks for being so cool|about the change of plans." "Change of plans?" "|" "Yeah, the..." "Where is Brad, by the way?" "Did you check your messages today?" "|" "No." "It would have been really handy|if you'd checked your messages." "Chloe threw my phone into the dryer.|" "Just call the landline." "I did not know we had a landline." "(Doorbell rings, cheering)" "You stay here, I'll get the door." "I should get it, shouldn't I?" "|" "Keep drinking, keep drinking." "Keep drinking, keep drinking.|" "No, I'll get it." "Get back." "Get out of it!" "|" "It's my house, my phone, my door." "There has been a change of plans.|" "Oh..." "You must be Jen.|" "You are a good sort, aren't you?" "Sorry, you're..?" "G'day, Dad.|" "Graham." "So is... is Brad here?" "Are they for Twattsie and The Pig?" "Yes.|" "Oh." "Could I still take one?" "|" "Yes." "Or three?" "|" "Yeah." "Yes." "You know what?" "I'm just going to|grab these." "Thanks." "Yes." "Oh!" "Oh, these are some pastries|for Twattsie and The Pig." "Are you single?" "|" "Yes." "(Toy squeaks)" "What's the issue?" "Dad is a man,|he's staying with us, he's down from the Gold Coast." "You said Jen was desperate|and needed a date." "You are just unbelievable!" "|" "No, I didn't mean it like that." "I am so, so, so sorry.|" "You really don't have to do this." "I am just..." "I'm going to tell him." "What would you say?" "Period pain." "Hm." "(Toy squeaks)" "He's here, and I've got|a babysitter." "I'll be fine." "I'm..." "I'm determined|to get back into the dating world, and if the first cab off the rank|happens to be someone's dad..." "Grandad too." "He's a grandad." "Sorry to interrupt|the mothers' group, but we should probably|get a wriggle on." "Graham, Jen's got|a really heavy period." "(Laughs) Not really." "Single Cynth, it's time to choose." "Now, this is an independent woman.|" "She carries a taser in her handbag." "No, I've just got a pepper spray." "We've got John, never married,|who's carrying a bag of cat food." "Beth, who by all reports is a|" "lesbian!" "I'm sorry, I'm not a lesbian." "Um, you sound pretty lez to me." "My lezometer -|pretty moist right now." "Ho-ho!" "And finally,|the flan man himself, George." "The choice is yours, Cynth." "Ah, I guess I choose John." "John!" "(Canned cheering)" "W...w...well...|" "Sorry, this is amazing." "Sorry." "I've had a really tough year.|" "I lost my mother, and..." "I'm sorry.|" "I'm sorry." "Thank you..." "I'm really sorry.|" "I meant, ah..." "What's your name?" "George.|" "I meant George, not..." "John." "Can I get some free CDs?" "Bum-bowm!" "But for George and Cynth,|it's a date!" "Just so you know, Jen, I know|you've had a tough time of late, so order whatever you fancy.|" "Tonight's on me." "That's very sweet." "I've got vouchers.|" "Vouchers?" "See..." "last time I was down,|" "I came here for dinner, and I got shocking food poisoning." "I won't go into details|in front of a lady, but I reckon it was|a dodgy chicken tikka." "You brought me to a restaurant|that gave you food poisoning?" "I didn't really have food poisoning,|but they can't prove that." "(Laughs)" "So Greg tells me your ex-husband|up and left you, did the bolt." "Did he even say goodbye?" "Food vouchers,|straight to my personal history!" "Um... (Chuckles nervously)|" "Ah, yes, that did happen, and, no, of course,|he said goodbye." "Yeah." "And he left you with a couple|of tin lids, as they say?" "Yet again, your information|is correct." "Two boys." "I've got a cricket ball|signed by Doug Bollinger." "Your boys can have it." "It's theirs.|" "Oh, no." "You don't need to." "No, no, no." "It's fine." "I won it." "You know those competitions where you have to give the answer|in 25 words or less?" "I'm all over them.|" "People actually enter those things?" "That's just small fry." "I'm working on this one|at the moment " "'Tell us why you deserve|a trip to Hawaii.'" "You wouldn't believe the prize|for this one." "It's a trip to Hawaii?" "|(Chuckles)" "Ah, so do you like working|at Thunder FM?" "Yeah." "Eventually, I'd like to produce news|radio in New York or London, but right now I'm here|at Thunder FM." "OK, guys, let's get this party|started with some bubbles - here you go -|from Ruby Angel Winery." "Get that on the Twattcam.|" "You can't call it that." "And to break the ice,|we've got some Ice Breakers from Moo Moo's Iced Coffee." "Now available in supermarkets." "OK." "Thanks, Twattsie.|" "Twattcam out." "Twattcam out." "What do you do?" "Do?" "Um... (Chuckles)" "Well, I'm a single mum, so when|" "I get a few moments to myself," "I like to pour myself a cup of tea,|then forget to drink it." "But seriously..." "Both the boys will be in school|next year, so I'll be able to concentrate on...|a career." "And what's that?" "Oh, it's... it's complicated,|as they say." "Who says that?" "|'It's complicated?" "'" "Um, it's an expression." "Is it, why?" "It's something people say." "But... everything is|something that people say." "Well, people write it in Facebook|as a status update, so..." "Life is only as complicated|as you want it to be, I say." "That's very wise." "There you are, two lychee martinis." "And just to let you know, sir, the vouchers don't cover drinks." "Bugger!" "Why did you want to go|on a set-up date for the radio?" "I didn't!" "But this is my job.|" "Everyone has to take a few bullets." "OK, so why'd you pick me?" "Are you kidding?" "One guy had|cat food." "You had pastries." "One woman had a moist lezometer." "You didn't have a lezometer at all,|which was a plus." "You were just in the wrong place|at the wrong time." "But that's the thing, because we|don't normally do deliveries, and I wasn't supposed to work|this morning." "I never listen to your show.|" "Why would you?" "I just have this new philosophy ever since I had|a near-death experience." "You had a near-death experience?" "|" "Yeah." "I was playing a lot of Grand Theft|" "Auto." "I was in way deep." "I'd barely moved for two weeks.|" "Anyways... ..my cousin gave me a phone call,|and he said something which... ..saved my life." "He said, 'Do you want to go|to the boat show?" "'" "I don't care about boats, but for|some reason, I just said, 'Yeah.'" "So your near-death experience was, you almost died of boredom|at a boat show?" "Wow, that is life-changing." "On the way home,|" "I got a call from the police." "They told me that a car had crashed|into the front room of my house, where I would normally have been|sitting, playing Grand Theft Auto." "You see?" "I almost got hit|by a stolen car where I would have been sitting in|my house, playing Grand Theft Auto." "The point is...|now I say yes to everything." "So if I asked you|to set fire to your pubes..." "Can you not see there's microphones?" "Great." "That'll be on the promo -|me saying 'pubes.'" "I'm sorry - who comes to a restaurant|and reads the newspaper all night?" "Poor woman.|" "I'm having a lovely time tonight." "Oh, I'm glad.|" "When you opened the door tonight, my heart skipped a few beats." "Oh, God." "Graham, I'm flattered,|but I'm not..." "I have a girlfriend.|" "What?" "You... you have a girlfriend?" "Unbelievable!" "Does she know that you're|using your vouchers on another woman?" "It's all above-board.|" "We're on a break." "Claire, that's her, she's off finding herself|somewhere in a caravan." "That's what the young ones|do these days." "How young is she?" "|" "Early 50s." "I just wish you'd told me|before I fell in love with you." "It's important that we're both|on the same page." "No, we're both on the same page." "I'm the page where|" "I get set up with a 65-year-old man and he doesn't want a relationship|with me because he has a girlfriend." "What... what are you doing?" "I love everything about you... ..your eyes...|" "Huh?" "..your hair, your dress,|the way you say, 'It's complicated.'" "Oh, dear God.|" "Will you do me the honour of becoming my bride?" "What?" "!" "This... this will cover the drinks|for us." "Will you marry me?" "Hurry up, my back's giving out." "Yes." "Oh, yes." "Yes, I will." "Wow." "(Applause)" "Wow." "Thank you.|" "Thank you very much." "Oh.|(Chuckles and sighs)" "I'll get the ring back later.|" "Cheers." "(Cheering and laughter)" "Hi, George." "I'm Gwen, Cynth's mum." "(Someone whistles)" "They asked me to show you|her first bra." "(Cheering, clapping)" "Wardrobe change!" "Of course I'll forgive you.|" "We're family now." "Um, Graham just proposed to me,|so now I'm Greg's mum." "OK, Jen, do you need me to come|there now and get you?" "Relax.|" "He was just doing it for free drinks." "Oh, and he has a girlfriend." "Girlfriend?" "|" "I know!" "No, Graham doesn't have|a girlfriend." "He was going out|with this woman called Claire." "He was about to ask her|to marry him." "He had the ring and everything." "Then about three years ago, she fucked off|with his best mate, Ken Duffy." "Really?" "|" "Yeah." "In a caravan that Graham won|in a magazine competition." "OK, Jen, should I come there now|and pick you up?" "# ROMANTIC SOFT ROCK" "They told me to give you this." "I know." "This isn't real, George.|" "You do know that, right?" "None of this is real.|" "Of course it's real." "Like, look, it's all happening|right now." "They're recording us." "They're|filming." "It's all being documented." "If we had kids and got married, they'd be able to actually|see our first date take place." "Hey, I didn't mean anything|by the marriage thing, honestly." "No.|" "No, it's..." "I'd prefer to get divorced|than get married." "Hey!" "Ciao, everybody!" "It's a-me, Mario The Motor Mechanic.|(Speaks indistinctly)" "I think you've tightened these knots just by wearing that dress, Cynthia,|eh?" "What do you say, ah?" "|" "Oh, God." "Hey!" "Pasta fazool." "This is practically a return trip|to Hawaii." "Safe as houses." "Claire's always been trying|to get me to take her there." "Graham..." "I don't know what I want to do." "I married Dean when I was in my 20s, and I hadn't figured|any of that stuff out." "It was all gap years|and working in hospitality." "He swept me off my feet,|then he took care of everything." "I took care of all the things|he couldn't take care of, like the house and the kids." "Sounds like the perfect set-up." "Yeah, he did say goodbye." "He... he sent me a text message|from the airport, telling me that he was leaving us.|" "What a prick!" "I think I knew that he wasn't happy.|" "I don't think I was." "We weren't really talking anymore or having dinner together|or caring about each other's days." "I thought that was a rough patch, that that's what marriage is,|that you work..." "Anyway, so now I'm a single mum, and I still haven't worked|any of that stuff out." "I don't want to go back|to waiting tables, 'cause now I'm not in my 20s anymore." "The way I see it, mistakes only become regrets|if you don't learn from them." "The smart goat only pisses|on the electric fence once." "Oh, one other thing - they're not going to cover|the drinks." "But don't fret, I've got a Plan B." "What, pretending to be pregnant?" "Have you ever done a runner?" "OK, I have a special surprise|a-guest for you." "As Mario puts another meatball|in your calzone, it's your ex-boyfriend, Darren!" "|" "Hey, hey!" "Oh, mama mia!" "And thank you to our friends|at Love All By Rafa." "Eh!" "So, tell us why,|" "like my back hair, things went down the plughole|for you and a-Cynthia?" "DARREN:" "You know,|we wanted different things." "Oh, yeah!" "You wanted|the rumpy-pumpy, she want to buy the shoes, yeah?" "Ah, no.|" "I really wanted to have kids." "Oh, Cynthia,|she's an independent woman." "No bambino, just a solero, eh?" "No." "Cynthia couldn't...|" "She can't..." "..medically speaking, have kids." "Hokay!" "Mama mia!" "Let's pack it up.|" "Let's pack it up." "Look, sorry, guys, but Imogen will kill me if we|don't get a shot for the website." "Alright, let's get a safety.|" "Twattsie, get in here." "Hey!" "Alright, everyone in now." "Come on,|the whole crew." "Quick, guys." "And one with Darren.|" "Darren, just jump in there." "No.|" "It'll only take a second." "No!" "I said no." "OK." "Let's..." "let's wrap it up." "There is absolutely no reason|for us to do this." "I'm going to go now.|" "Pretend I'm having a smoke." "You have prop cigarettes on you.|" "I'm going to leave my jacket here." "so it looks like I'm coming back." "I'll meet you at the phone box|up the road." "Don't rush." "Don't looked panicked.|" "Bring my jacket." "We could get arrested!" "Just going out for a smoke.|(Chuckles) Filthy habit, eh?" "Gives you cancer, you know." "Excuse me?" "I would like to|fix up the drinks bill." "Oh, sure." "I'll just...|" "No." "When I go,|could you please pretend to chase me?" "The gentleman|thinks he's done a runner?" "Yeah." "Thanks." "So, we could go get some ice-cream." "With you?" "No." "No, thanks." "You are obligation-free." "The date doesn't necessarily|have to end now." "This is not a date, George,|it's a joke." "On us, you see?" "This is never going to work out,|because they own us now." "They'll want to know what happens on the second, third|and fourth date." "On the fifth date, they'll make you|propose to me on air, then we'll get married|in a Pizza Hut, and I'll be forced to have|" "Delta Goodrem as a bridesmaid." "Delta Goodrem. (Sniffles)" "Um, I'm going to go." "You're a very attractive|and nice man." "Goodbye." "Excuse me,|in case no-one else has said this, you look really beautiful tonight." "Oh, thank you!" "You deserve to know that,|and you deserve to be spoken to and acknowledged|and not completely ignored." "Oh, it's OK.|" "No, it's not OK, to sit in a restaurant|reading a newspaper when the woman sitting opposite you|has clearly made an effort, probably runs the household|and probably raised all the kids." "But that doesn't matter, does it,|because some man in golf slacks has apparently won a golf tournament|against somebody." "I'd be happy to chase you|out of the restaurant now, madam." "Um..." "Come on, Jen!" "(Laughs)" "(Laughs)|" "Come back, scoundrels!" "You've not paid and have run away." "How'd you find me?" "We were just a few doors down,|and you're wearing a ball gown." "And there's still some of Twattsie's|" "Ice Breakers things to Moo Moo's iced coffee|that we have yet to get through." "I'm a boat show, aren't I?" "Am I a boat show,|just one of your yes experiences?" "I came here to cheer you up." "Pepper-spray me.|" "Yeah." "I'm serious -|pepper-spray me in the face." "That is the dumbest thing|" "I've ever heard, and I work on a show called Twattsie|" "And The Pig." "It will blind you." "(Snorts) It's not going to blind me." "We should Google it, eh?" "(Toy squeaks, woman groans)" "Hello?" "I have a gun." "It's a big... gun." "Hello?" "Oh!" "|(Laughs)" "Jen!" "Hi, Jen.|" "Hi." "I was..." "I was just looking for... my shoes.|" "Shoes." "Yeah.|" "Hello, son." "Bullshit!" "What the fuck?" "!" "H-hi." "Graham's just been...|" "Oh, thank you." "..helping me call a cab." "(Toy squeaks)|" "Yep, Chloe's rubber ducky." "How about I spray it over there,|and you run into it?" "Come on, the quicker we do it, the|sooner the burning sensation will..." "Is this an SM thing?" "Hey, just come on,|pretend I'm The Pig." "That's not going to work.|(Squeals)" "(Screams)|" "Oh, my God!" "Oh, fuck!" "Fucking fuck!" "|" "I didn't mean to do it!" "That was really bad.|" "You asked me to do it!" "Everyone here..." "I'm sorry!" "|" "No, no, no." "It really hurts." "It really hurts.|" "Does it?" "I better get free|concert tickets now." "My God, I'm really sorry.|" "It looks bad." "Is it bad?" "What do you need, beer?" "You can have|as much beer as you like." "You were very brave just there.|" "Did you know?" "I'm super impressed." "Ready for some more?" "|" "No, no, no." "That's not even funny." "You're going to be fine, Jen." "You're stronger than you think|and smarter than you look." "You're a good man, Graham." "You certainly know your way|around the back of a couch." "(Chuckles) Yes." "It was a good evening.|" "Nice meal, good conversation." "Bit of a treat at the end." "That thing that you did!" "Ooh!" "(Chuckles)" "(Car horn)|" "Oh, right..." "Night." "And Graham, if... ..if Claire doesn't come back|to you, that's her loss." "Oh." "I nearly forgot." "Oh, thanks." "Cheers, Jen." "OK." "Weddings.|" "What?" "Maybe I could become|a wedding planner." "I'll give you a call|next time I get married." "Night, Graham." "(Car engine starts)" "# RADIO JINGLE" "RADIO:" "The time is 7:45." "You're listening to Twattsie|and The Pig on Thunder FM, and look who's back|from her first date." "We can't wait|to follow this romance, but first, let's find out how George|and Cynthia's first date went." "Firstly, I'd like to say thank you|to Love All By Rafa and Ruby Angel Wines," "Jeannine's Formal Wear,|" "Moo Moo's Iced Coffee." "George is a really great guy, but as I said to him|at the end of the night," "I don't think|it's going to work out." "Ouch!" "|" "How do you feel about that, Georgie?" "Um, you know, she's got her reasons." "His eyes are red|and he's been crying all night." "Aw!" "|" "Adorable." "Thanks, Cynthia." "I hope it goes well|with the career and everything." "Thanks, yeah." "You too." "Well, there he goes, Cynth,|the one that got away." "Have you got that?" "|" "Yeah." "OK, who's up|for the first Sneaky Fart?" "Twattsie, you up for it?" "|" "Lower the mike!" "Ha-ha!" "Yes!" "Sorry, I was just going this way.|" "It's a bit awkward." "I'm sure we can be adults about it.|" "Yeah." "See you tonight." "Actually, just one more thing|that's work-related." "GRAHAM:|" "When people get caught in a storm and find the strength to weather it, they deserve to arrive on a beach|to a lychee martini." "(Kids chatter)" "Good?" "Today would have been|" "Kane and I's one-year anniversary." "Chris and I had|a wondrous sexual life together." "It was passionate and intense|and borderline disgusting." "OK, come on." "Maybe we could catch a movie?" "Maybe." "Do you think Tim would mind?" "He had an erection." "Denim sausage,|right during the sex scene." "The House of Dracul|requires a son and heir." "Oh, for Christ's sake!" "Please could everybody stop...|(Yelling)" "Captions by CSI Australia"