"♪ Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie ♪" "♪ Louie, Louie, Louie Louaaa ♪" "♪ Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie ♪" "♪ Louie, Louie you're gonna cry ♪" "♪ Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie ♪" "♪ Louie, Louie, Louie Louaaa ♪" "♪ Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie ♪" "♪ Louie, Louie you're gonna die ♪" "♪ Louie, Louie, Louie Louie... ♪" "Um..." "I was on an airplane and there was a Hasidic Jewish man trying to put an enormous bag under the seat." "It doesn't matter that he was Hasidic, but it's a detail." "It's a detail." "When you try to put enormous bags under seats, folks notice the kind of person you are." "They make note." "They say some Chinese guy-- whatever you are-- they're going to describe you." "They're not just gonna say," ""A man put a giant thing under a seat."" "What kind of man?" "It's not important." "Just a fellow." "No, this guy trying to shove this thing under the seat and no one can leave, 'cause he's not gonna not do it." "And the flight attendant was a guy-- and I'm not gonna say he was gay, 'cause that's not important." "It doesn't enter into the story." "I'm gonna call the Jewish guy a Jewish guy and I'm gonna call the gay guy just some guy." "How do you like that?" "Isn't that unfair?" "I'm not gonna identify him as gay, 'cause I don't want to discredit them." "Actually, he didn't do anything wrong." "So..." "Boy, what a disaster this is right now." "Um..." "Jewish guy trying to put the thing under the seat and the guy's going, "Sir, it's not gonna fit."" "It's" " He was only slightly gay, like that." "He wasn't like, "Sir, it's not gonna fit !" "Ahhh !"" "No, he just said, "Sir, it's not gonna fit."" "( with Jewish accent ) "It's going to fit," ""I know it's going to fit." ""It's going to fit, I'm telling you." "Moses..."" "( laughing )" "What are you doing?" "I'm moving this desk so I can put something else there." "No, Mama put that there." "It's hers." "You better ask her first." "It's all right, baby." "You better ask Mama, she put that there." "Baby, Mama doesn't live here anymore." "She lives at her place, okay?" "But she used to live here, and what if she came over and you moved that?" "Hmm?" "You suck, man." "You suck at comedy." "There's a lot of cheap places on the Upper West Side, but I'd have to" "It's just so far from the kids' school." "Your mom ate my asshole last night." "It was good." "Not great, but it was good." "Wanna know why it wasn't great?" "( tapping )" "Do you want to know why it wasn't great?" "Why?" "Because it was your mom and she sucks." "I could go to Midtown, take the subway to school every day." "I don't know, man." "Oh, you know what?" "Can I pitch an idea to you?" "It's a project." "Yeah, sure." "Okay." "Okay, this is great." "We start with your mom." "We kind of lower her into a bathtub, but the bathtub's not filled with water, it's filled with diarrhea from homeless people, and then we put this thing on her head, um..." "What are those things?" "It's like a brick, but bit's bigger and gray." "A cinder block?" "A cinder block, we put a cinder block, put it on top of her head to kind of hold her down." "Do you know anybody who lives in the East Village?" "I'm not done, I'm not done." "I'm sorry, man, I got to go to an open house." "Can you tell me about this later?" "Yeah, that was, like, 10% of the idea." "I gotta go to an open house." "I'll see you later." "All right, can you" "Oh, yeah." "Thanks." "Yeah." "There's a lot more to it, I think you're gonna like it." "Okay, cool, thanks." "Some twists and turns." "I'll see you later." "Cool." "This is a great place." "There's lots of light, really modern, plenty of space." "None of those things are true about this place." "This one is available first of the month." "Okay, so I really want to thank you for helping me look-- Thanks." "Oh, well, you're so welcome." "Well, I just never had to find a place for me and my girls by myself." "It's just easier with somebody to, y'know..." "Totally." "I don't care." "Do what I told you." "You take a-- you take the stove from apartment 16-B and put it in 17-B." ""B," like "Boratikashi."" "Okay?" "Yeah." "You act like a man, you do your job." "Okay, bye." "What can I do for you, buddy?" "Hi, there's an ad in the paper for a three-bedroom for 2,500." "We don't have that." "What are you looking for?" "Was it rented or" "I'm sorry, we don't have it." "You want three-bedroom, two-bedroom, what you looking for?" "Is this the right place?" "'Cause this was in this morning's paper." "That's a bait-and-switch." "Yes, exactly." "We have a nice apartment, we put it in the ad and then you come here and we show you something else." "Hey, that's illegal, man." "Okay, so call the police, man." "What do you want from me?" "Hummus or an apartment, huh?" "You come here, nice couple like you, you want a nice child nest?" "Make a child." "No, no, we're not" "No, she's just my friend." "She just came to help me." "Go to building 701 down the block, to the left, apartment 17-A." "Okay?" "All right." "Yeah." "There's people there now, but they'll be out in a week." "Okay." "It's here." "Is that it?" "Give me the key." "Did you just..." "smell my head?" "Ahh, what you..." "Oh, shit!" "What you do ?" "!" "Let's go, let's go." "Hi." "Sorry-- Let's go." "No, no, it's okay." "Get out!" "Get out of my house!" "Let's go, come on." "No, no." "It's okay." "Hi, hi." "I'm Pamela and this is Louie, and Shai gave us the key." "Right, but let's go, come on, come on." "We're just" " No, no, no, it's okay." "I'm sorry." "Let's go, 'cause I don't want to live here." "No" " Why?" "You didn't even give it a chance." "There's a toilet in the kitchen." "Oh, my... ( laughing )" "It's a toilet!" "Yeah." "So let's go, come on." "So awesome." "Let's get out of here." "No, no, don't write it off." "You're just" " Come on, look at the living room." "I mean, there's windows in there, it's so nice." "Would you just look around?" "Come on." "We're just gonna look around the apartment for a second, okay?" "Do you want me to make you an egg?" "Okay." "Yeah?" "Yes, okay." "That's what I'm gonna...a." "Okay." "Okay, all right." "It's fine, I'll make you nice, all right?" "Okay." "( speaking foreign language )" "Okay, we're done with the pickle." "You don't need any more pickled things." "You're fine, everything's fine." "We're gonna have some nice eggs and I'm gonna cook for you and it's all gonna be great." "( footsteps approaching )" "There you go." "You're gonna eat this egg, you're gonna love it." "The edges are crunchy and brown." "Good for you." "( groaning )" "Hey, hey, hey, I don't want to live here, so..." "Why?" "'Cause he's not done living here and there's a toilet in the kitchen and" "You..." "So what?" "You not cook the right way." "Yeah, he doesn't want the eggs." "What?" "Just let's go, come on." "Oh, my God!" "With the two of you!" "You know what, Pateli?" "Your wife died a year ago, so your turn is up in a statistical month." "And you, you're so afraid of life that you're boring." "You know what?" "You know what?" "Thanks for the reminder, fellas." "( bleep ) men." "I'm outtie." "Hello?" "This house was built in 1850 in the Federalist style, as I'm sure you noticed." "This is the entrance foyer." "It's one of the few houses on the road to retain the single-family layout." "This is just as it was when it was built and then lived in, first by a fabric merchant, and then later, by a daughter of Theodore Roosevelt when he was police commissioner." "Actually, she died here." "It was only rented once to a somewhat famous comedian," "Lenny Bruce." "This bathroom has a shower that's also a steam room, a heated toilet seat and a claw-foot bathtub." "This could be a bedroom for a child." "How many bedrooms are there?" "Five." "So I could have my own room and the kids could each have their own room." "And you could have a play room and an office." "What did you say you do for a living?" "I'm in show business." "Okay." "Here is the kitchen, which, as you can see, is full-service-- very modern and yet tasteful." "And these beautiful glass doors lead to a gorgeous garden." "This would be the ideal home for a single father and his children." "Your girls would be very, very happy here, even happier than they are at their mother's house." "You would be their favorite and no one could judge you or say that you were anything but a wonderful, wonderful father." "Buying this house would fix absolutely everything... everything... everything... everything... everything... everything... everything... everything... everything... everything... everything... everything..." "Yes, it would, yes, it would." "Yes, it would!" "I'm sorry?" "Uh, how much is the house?" "The asking price is 17 million." "I'll take it." "Hey." "Hey." "Louie." "How's it going?" "How are you, my man?" "How are you?" "Good to see you, Ken." "You don't stop up here too often." "What's-- what's up?" "Just checking in." "Good." "I got some theater gigs this month coming up, so some good money rolling in." "Great, great." "A lot of good money coming in." "So what are you trying to buy?" "What do you mean?" "Whenever you tell me you have good money coming in, it's because you want to buy something." "Yeah, I know." "So... what is it?" "Well, okay." "My girls and I are" "We're still living in the same place as when I was married." "Right." "And I just" " I think we need a fresh start." "Okay." "So you want to move." "Yeah, it's time and-- Good, good, good, good." "So have you started looking?" "Well, so I found a place." "Great." "To rent?" "It's to buy." "Louie." "I know." "Louie, we talked about this." "You can't afford to buy anything right now." "You're still paying support." "I know, I just" "This place is perfect and I know my girls would be really happy there." "Look, I'm your accountant." "I can only tell you what you can afford and I think that you're gonna have a very hard time finding credit right now." "Dude." "Okay." "How much is it?" "Look, it's a lot, but" "How much?" "It's" " For what it is, it's really cheap." "Right." "Like, I couldn't believe" "When the lady told me how much it was, I was blown away..." "How much?" "... by how little it is." "But it is-- it's a lot, though, I'll acknowledge that." "I acknowledge-- Louie." "How much?" "Okay, it's  seven  teen... million." "$17 million." "So..." "I know it's a lot." "Um, Louie, do I really need to say anything?" "I mean..." "Well, I had a good year, you know, and I just" "When do I get to step up, you know?" "I just feel like-- come on, man." "Do I-- do I really need to explain to you why you can't buy a $17 million house?" "I just thought if-- maybe if I really bear down and I don't spend, like, you know, I don't spent a lot on other stuff." "I could just change-- I think I could change" "Let's-- let's take a look at the numbers." "Okay, totally, yes, yes." "So that's 17 million." "Mm-hmm." "So you have to put down 3.4 million." "And you have to put that down now, in cash." "And then your monthly payments are gonna be 77,000, plus maintenance and tax." "So basically, 80,000 a month, plus the 3.4 million that you're gonna plunk down right now, okay?" "Mm-hmm." "Okay." "So now let's compare that to your current assets." "All right, currently, in savings, you have $7,000." "7,000." "Yeah." "So, um... you have less than ten times less than one mortgage payment on this house." "Well, let me" " Okay." "Louie, you're gonna have to..." "If-- if" " I" "'Cause we haven't even" "I mean, if I was able to get them to come down." "I'm just saying, what could I afford right now?" "Like, what could I buy a house for right now?" "Buy a house?" "Right now?" "Yeah." "Well..." "I mean, right now, you could buy a house that costs $7,000." "You know, you should find a nice rental." "I mean, isn't there..." "What about-- what about Obama?" "What-- what about it?" "I mean..." "what do you mean?" "I have children, I have two kids, and I should totally be saving for them and I'm totally not saving for them at all." "It's really bad how I'm not preparing for their future or even their near-present." "It's so irresponsible and unfair." "I know it's wrong, but part of me feels like, why should they get the money, anyway?" "They didn't do the shows, why should they get the money?" "Why should they get paid for shit I did?" "It doesn't really make sense to me." "It doesn't make sense that kids get your money after you're gone." "It's like when we used to let kings take over for their fathers." "That's the craziest rule that ever existed." "That if the king dies, they let his kid be the king." "What are the odds that he's not gonna be a piece of shit?" "How do you let that..." "That's one of the weirdest things that we've ever done as a race of people." "I mean all of us." "White people and" "I mean, there are black kings, too." "Of African countries." "There's never been a black king of England." "That's never gonna happen." "That is one color line that's never gonna get" "Don't even hope, man." "It ain't gonna happen." "There's not gonna be a black king of England." "I mean, after all that white that's been pumped into their blood for years, they've just been this kind of jizzy white color for all these generations." ""Purpley"" " They're all" "Every British royal looks like cock meat." "That's what their faces look like, an Irish penis." "That's what they look like" "Someone took an Irishman's penis and stretched it out and drew a face on it with Sharpie." "Just..." "That's what they look like." "Hey." "I didn't see you today." "Yeah, I..." "Oh." "I see." "You know, I don't just have these places." "I could show you some nice rentals." "Small, but okay." "No." "No, I'm buying this house." "I'm buying this house."