"{\move\fad\fscx25\fscy25\t\cHO00000\3cHO0FFFF}anoXmous" "Take a bow, ladies." "Very nice, my pets." "And now, the great, the wonderful Mercedes!" "80,000 francs tonight." " Where the hell is she?" "I'll go get her." "Mr. Baldi?" "Bastard!" "Mr. Baldi, she has to come down now." "Mercedes just went on." "You handle it." "I can't take any more." "I'm going to kill her." "Good house tonight, Mr. Baldi." " What's the take?" " 12,000 more than yesterday." "Shall we do something about the prince's tab?" "No more freebies." "Is it a big bill?" " 5,000 francs." " How many people?" "Two." "Coffee's on the house this time." "I had no luck." " Insist!" " I did!" "It's no use." "Have Mercedes do four extra songs." "Great show, Renato." "Ah, Mr. Baldi." "I'll get my bag." "I'm sorry to bother you, but she refuses to get up." "Were you in the middle of dinner?" "She's on in ten minutes, and she's not even made up." "No!" "It's me, Zaza." "The doctor." "I'm not presentable!" "Come on, show yourself." "Let the doctor see Zaza." "I look hideous!" "Just hideous!" "Zaza, your fans are waiting, and my dinner's getting cold." "Please be reasonable." "Doctor, I'm so miserable." "If you only knew!" "You're just a little depressed." "It will pass." "I want to die, Doctor." "You were having dinner?" "Can it be reheated?" "Rabbit in mustard sauce." "That's easy to reheat." "Here's what you do." "Reduce the sauce in a frying pan." "But make sure it's copper." "I always tell my friends, "It has to be copper."" "Otherwise " " Are you dying or cooking?" "Shut up, you!" "It's your fault I'm like this." "Look what I've become, thanks to you." "A human wreck." "A worthless old rag." "I had gorgeous shoulders before I met you!" "Look at them now " "It's the same thing every night." "I taped it yesterday." "The games he plays while I suffer!" "Want to lip-synch the rest?" " I'll give him a shot." " No, no shots!" "And have his understudy go on." "No, I'll behave." "All right." "So we'll go downstairs and work now?" "Any tranquilizers left?" " There must be one or two," "I'm sure." "Two pills after the show, as usual." "I'll be going." " Good-bye, Doctor." "The season's just started." "What'll I do if he gets sick?" "Close the club?" "It's nothing serious." "He's just a bit tired." "Be nice and humor him, and everything will be fine." "Good night, and thanks again." "You know what time it is?" "You want to put us out of business?" "You're doing this on purpose." "Why are you powdering your legs?" "Nobody sees them onstage." "Indifference is a horrible thing, Renato." "I dieted for two months, and you didn't even notice" "I'd lost weight." "I wrecked my health for you with diet pills and diuretics, but nothing... not a word." "Not one encouraging word." "You don't even notice me." "You don't love me anymore." "Just the other day" "I bought a little outfit." "I wore it to please you... and nothing." "Albin, I'll go crazy if you keep on like this." "Everything's possible." "You don't love me anymore, Renato." "After all these years, I'm just a meal ticket to you, not a queen of the theater." "You're cheating on me." "Here we go again." "I know there's a man in your life." "There's no man... just 250 people waiting for the leading lady to take the stage." "They've come to applaud you, the great Zaza Napoli." "What do you do while I'm onstage?" "Where do you go while I kill myself onstage?" "Go on." "Hit me." " How is it?" " Don't worry." "Everything will be fine, poodle." "It doesn't hurt." "It's nothing." "Did you hurt your little hand?" " No." "Now hurry " " You still love me?" "Of course." "Now hurry." "What?" "My fan." "Jacob will bring it down." "I can't sing without my fan." "Jacob, bring Zaza's fan downstairs." "Now hurry." "Evening, ladies." "Keep it down back here!" "Announce Albin." "Albin, please!" "No more chocolate." "I'm tired of playing second fiddle to that floozy." "Keep it down." "Your comrade is performing." "I could have finished out the show tonight!" "That's enough now." "Am I doing four songs or eight?" " We'll discuss it tomorrow." " No, tonight!" "I won't hang on madame's every mood." " Let the fat cow go on lazing in bed!" " Don't talk about Albin like that!" "You'll wear men's clothes from now on." " No, not that!" "You asked for it, Henri!" "That's right" " Henri!" " Where's that damn fan?" " It's coming." "Jacob!" "I've told you not to prance about naked." " You don't like it?" "Why won't you let me dance?" "Watch." "What do the others have that I don't?" "You have a little extra something." "You can cook." "Now hurry." "I'm counting on you." "How did I end up with a maid like that!" "What now?" "May I speak with you a moment?" "It's late, and I have an appointment." "What's wrong?" "What's the matter?" "Petunia... what have you done now?" " I'm expecting a baby." " What?" "I'm expecting a baby." "You got your wife pregnant again?" "That makes seven!" "How can you hope to have a career?" "Come here." "Just look in the mirror." "All this breeding is wearing you out." "You're looking older by the day." "It's true." "AII right, I'll tell the office to give you maternity pay." "No, no." "Back to work now." "You're so kind." "You don't come cheap, you know." "Jacob, get that thing off your head, or I'll tell Albin you wear his wigs." "And I'll tell her you have romantic suppers while she works." "Back in the kitchen, you twit!" "Come here." "You're more handsome than ever." "How about a drink?" "Scotch?" "Champagne?" "Make it champagne." "Is he onstage?" "Yes, for two more hours, so we won't be disturbed." " And Jacob?" " I gave him the night off, sweetheart." "We're all alone." "You're looking good too." "No..." "I'm all bloated." "I work too much and get upset, and I swell up." "You really think I look good?" " Very good." "You're very sweet." "I guess I do still have my figure." "I have something important to tell you." "This isn't easy." "I'm getting married." "I was going to write you a letter." "She's a great girl." "I know you'll like her." "You upset?" "On the contrary." "I should be happy." "I always hoped you wouldn't be " "I mean, that you'd fall in love with a girl." "No, it's fine." "I raise a boy for 20 years, my own son... then some girl comes along and steals him away." "The bitch!" "That's right - the bitch!" "I'm sorry." "Listen, Laurent." "Marry her and you're never setting foot in here again." "And not another cent." "Good-bye for good." "You choose." "Good-bye, Dad." "You little dummy." "Come here." "Let's toast this catastrophe." "Did you think that would work?" "No, but one can always try." "Let the celebration begin." "A marriage calls for a drink." "To the bride!" "What's the little slut's name?" " Dad, please." " Sorry." "What's the young lady's name?" " Andrea." "So you've been living with a boy in Paris for a year and only tell us now?" "Answer me!" "Answer!" "You're frightening her, Simon." "Don't be so hard on her." "Mother, that's enough." "He's a very nice boy, Father." "Very responsible." "He mentioned marriage first." "What do his parents do?" "Hold on." "For you." "Yes, I told them." "What about you?" "I told my dad too." "He's delighted." "The slut!" "He opened the champagne." "We were just celebrating." "I have the glass in my hand." "Listen." "To our love, Andrea." "I'll put him on." "Here's to your happiness, Andrea." "Shit!" "Sorry, I just broke a glass." "Just plain glass." "It's good luck." "Here." "The little bitch!" "Your father's nice." "Listen, I'm with my parents." "I'll call you tomorrow morning." "No, don't worry." "Me too." "Talk to you tomorrow." "Everything went just fine." "I'm so happy." "Did you hear how good the connection was?" "As if they were next door." "Their voices were so clear." "Well... it's late." "Good night." "Andrea, we asked what the young man's parents do." "His parents?" "Nothing." "I mean... they're vacationing on the Riviera." "They can't always be on vacation!" "So what does his father do?" "His father is... in the arts." " The arts?" "I mean..." "he's in cultural affairs." "He's a cultural attaché - that's it." "At the Italian embassy." "Excellent!" "He's a diplomat!" "A good career!" "Why didn't you say so?" "Does his mother work?" "His mother?" "No, she looks after the children." "She has loads of them." "Hello, Mr. Albin." "Hello, Mr. Lefevre." "The boy's home." " Then perhaps a nice roast?" " Yes, I'll pick it up later." " How are you, Mr. Albin?" " Fine, thanks." "I need some pasta and Parmesan." " The boy's home?" "Yes, and I've got to dash." " Hello, Mr. Lafargue." " The usual, Mr. Albin?" "Yes, a cake with the inscription..." ""To my Lolo from Auntie."" "To my Lolo from Auntie." "I've got to run." "He'll be waking up any minute." " Shall I deliver it?" " No, Jacob will stop in." "I'm taking a chocolate, okay?" "Bye." "Who did I spy this morning?" "The little white master." "Your coffee really stinks." "You French make shitty coffee." "I've been called black, and I've been called queer, but never French." "Yoo-hoo, it's me!" "The grocery lady." " Morning, you." " Morning, mistress." "Did you have a wild night out, you beast?" "Careful with these." "There are strawberries on the bottom." "And don't forget to pick up the cake at noon." "Good morning, you." "My God, your beard's rough." "He's still asleep?" "I peeked in earlier." "He's so handsome!" "You might have told me he was coming and spared yourself that scene last night." "But the fact is you can't stand sharing your son." "So you hide him from me and try to push me aside." "My stars, am I hungry!" "You look awful this morning." "What's wrong?" "He's getting married." "What?" "My son's getting married." "Don't be silly." "I got him some sole." "He loves sole, just like me." "I wanted lobster, but it's too expensive, so I got sole." "But that's funny, what you just said." "A week ago I dreamed he was getting married." "We were all in church, crying our eyes out." "You weren't serious." "Some girl he met at school." "It was bound to happen." "He's marrying a girl?" "How awful!" "Poor boy." "It can't be." "He's too " "He's still so young." "He'll ruin his life." "I told him all that, of course." "But it was no use." "He thinks he'll be happy, and maybe he will." "There was nothing I could do." "It hurts, hearing it out of the blue like that." "I wasn't expecting it." "It's quite a blow." "I was feeling fine, and now suddenly my liver's acting up." "But it'll pass." "The little bitch!" "I see you told him." "Here's the little jerk now." "How about a kiss for your Auntie?" "They're taking him from us, and we won't have any others." "Unless there's a miracle." "I've given this marriage a lot of thought, Simon." "Miss Corre... in the president's speech, replace "riff-raff" with "derelicts."" "Imagine Mrs. Simoneau's face if we marry a diplomat's son!" "No, Miss Corre... instead of the word "derelicts"... put "degenerates."" "What with your background, this is quite a match." "You, a policeman's son." "Don't start that again, Louise!" "I'm tired of hearing, "You, a policeman's son"!" "I've had it, you hear?" "Now look what you made me do!" "Andrea's too young to marry." "The subject is closed." "Speaking." "Dear God!" "What is it?" "President Berthier died." "The president?" "Dear God!" "In a woman's arms." "A prostitute." "And a minor." "A minor... and black!" "What?" "A black, underage prostitute." "My career's ruined." "Why, Simon?" "You're not responsible." "You hear me?" "You're not responsible for the president's private life." "Louise, I'm secretary general of a party called the Union for Moral Order, and our president just died in the arms of a prostitute." "Just wait till the press gets wind of this." "I could use a little piece of chocolate." "No!" "They wrote "Uncle"!" "I told them Auntie!" ""To my Lolo from his Auntie."" "He has no uncle." "Okay, I'll shut up now." "Smells good." "Feeling better, huh?" "Oh, he'll come visit... and he'll bring that girl." "Speaking of which, we'll have to do something about the bedroom." "It's barely large enough for a couple, and there'll be grandchildren." "Look at me." "I can just see you!" "You, a grandfather... pushing a baby carriage, with all your gold chains." "Shall I crack an egg?" " No, I'm the boss in the kitchen." "Ah, the kitchen is your realm?" "You're the star onstage." "Let me work here." "Then I'm off to the stage." "Good." "Go on." "No, go around!" "Mr. Charrier isn't in." "No, he won't be home for lunch." "It hasn't stopped ringing all morning." "And no sign of your father." "Mother?" "I..." "I have something to tell you." "It's about Laurent's parents." "Don't worry." "We'll talk about it later with your father." " That's just what I don't want." " No, you'll see." "We have a wonderful surprise for you." "What are you doing out there?" "Did you see them at the front door?" "I preferred a ladder." "It's dangerous." "You could have fallen." "I did fall!" "Now you know what my morning's been like." "I tell you, I'm leaving." "The reporters keep calling... with their sniggers and sneers." "I can't take it anymore!" "It's not just reporters!" "Everyone's sneering and roaring with laughter!" "And who are they laughing at?" "Who's the butt of their jokes?" "Me!" "Thanks to Berthier, the Moral Order has become one big joke!" "Thanks a lot, Mr. President!" "Dirty old pig!" "There is a solution, Simon." "A big white wedding." "What?" "As soon as possible." "It'll restore your image." "Morality, family, tradition." "Your daughter marries a diplomat's son." "The president and the prostitute - forgotten." "Marry off Andrea, with the pope's blessing if need be." "Louise, listen... things are bad enough." "If you start babbling nonsense, I'll crack." "We have to marry her off in great splendor." "You'll be the symbol of tradition once again." "Where do the young man's parents live?" "I won't do just anything." "I'm a professional!" "Hire beginners if you want, but don't let them bother the true artists!" "Just watch what Mr. Salomé does while I dance!" "You make me rehearse at all hours, made-up and in costume." "But the others get away with anything!" "It's unfair!" "Come here, you." "You need to learn the Queen of Broadway number." "You're doing any old thing!" "I'm fed up!" "Dad, I have to talk to you." "Being long and lean and 20 doesn't make you talented, sweetie." " Dad, it's important." " Can't you see he's rehearsing?" " Did you see what he did?" " No, I was talking to Laurent." "He's blowing bubbles!" "While I sing!" "He shouldn't blow bubbles while I'm singing!" "Why are you blowing bubbles in his face?" "It's annoying." "This may be a drag revue, but it still should be good drama." "Concentrate." "You know what your character's all about?" "You're a handsome stranger, strolling down Broadway with a manly gait, when suddenly you see this beautiful apparition." "You look at her and feel a delightful sensual charge in your pelvis." "Like this." "You try." "That's a bit much." "What is it now?" "I'll be right back." "Go on without me." " Can we talk a minute?" " What is it?" "Let's go upstairs." "Andrea's coming with her parents." " So?" " They want to meet you." " You interrupt me for that?" "She told them you're a cultural attaché and Albin's a housewife." "That girl's crazy!" "Remember what you told me my first day of school?" "I do, very clearly." "You said to tell them you were a businessman." "So?" "Her father has to be more open-minded than your grade-school teachers." "No, Dad." "Less." "Deputy Charrier of the Moral Order - does that ring a bell?" "So she said you were a cultural attaché and a housewife." "So what do we do now?" "Do I sell the club and become a diplomat?" "What about Albin?" "Snip!" "To the operating room?" "If her father finds out she lied, that's it." "Be nice and help us." " How?" "If you could send Albin away for a few days " "You try and send Albin away!" "And get rid of a few things here." "Like what?" "Like that." "I don't know." "And this." "The discus thrower?" "Why?" "And that." "Is that all?" "I don't know." "Try to make it simpler, less cluttered." "Know what I mean?" "So we have to redecorate too?" "Make it into a dream home for House and Garden?" "We're not changing a thing." "You got that?" "And you could make a little effort yourself." "What do you mean?" "You could be a little less conspicuous, you know." "I'm conspicuous?" "Laurent, I just had that painted." "Albin and Salomé are fighting." "Albin's trying to grab his gum." "Yes, I wear makeup." "Yes, I live with a man." "Yes, I'm an old fag." "But after 20 years I know who I really am, and your stupid deputy isn't going to ruin that." "Your deputy can go to hell!" "Screw your silly deputy!" "Going on a trip?" "Saint-Tropez." " What are you doing?" " I'm not talking to them!" "Go out the front door and talk to them." " Let me go!" " We agreed to announce the news." "Then you do it." "It was your idea." "I'm climbing down." "Tell the driver to come around." " Leaving us?" " Going to your president's funeral?" "What's the future of the Union for Moral Order?" "I have just one thing to say." "I'm off for a few days to organize an event that epitomizes the spirit of our movement." "My, my!" "The little white master's in a bad mood." "He said I dress like a whore." " He's right." "Starting tonight you're to dress like a real butler." "And put this in the basement." "And that too." "And get rid of all this froufrou, all these pillows." "Get rid of it all." "Especially this." "Never mind." "Thanks, Dad." "Laurent, don't bug me." "I have to talk to poor Albin now." "What am I going to tell him?" ""Get lost, fat cow"?" ""You're in the way, you old fag"?" "You don't have to put it like that." " You all right?" " It's blazing today." "You shouldn't be out in the sun, you know." "It feels good." "No, in your condition suntanning isn't advisable." "What do you mean?" "Have you looked in the mirror today?" " Why?" " You look green." "No, I'm tan." "That's right." "A greenish tan." "That's what worries me." "I think you really need a vacation." "A vacation?" "I feel just fine." "Fine." "Forget I mentioned it." "Why did you say that?" "You're frightening me." "Are you hiding something from me?" "Did the doctor say something?" "No, absolutely not." "No, I just thought since you're a bit on edge and depressed, maybe a few days off wouldn't hurt." "My dear Renato..." "I may not be too bright, but when the I's are dotted," "I end up getting the point." "You're trying to get rid of me." "I wasn't born yesterday." "I know all the tricks, and what you're trying to do isn't right." "It's beneath you." "You know what day it is?" "June 25." "That's right." "Our anniversary." "Twenty years we've lived together." "It warms the heart." "And you picked this day to lie to me in the most despicable way and cheat on me." " Do you want Laurent to be happy?" " What's that got to do with it?" "If you want him to be happy, you'll go away." " The little white master called?" " Cut it out, and take that statue away." " Right now?" " Yes, there's no time to lose." "You're turning me out, banishing me like a leper!" "You're ashamed of me!" "I stayed up nights at that boy's bedside." "I sacrificed everything for him." "I gave him my life!" "Albin, listen." "No, you listen to me!" "Either I'm here tonight where I belong to welcome those people, or I'm never setting foot in this house again!" "What?" "Laurent, couldn't you have waited a while?" "It's all right." "I get the point." "I'm being thrown out... driven from my own home." "It doesn't matter." "I'll go and leave you in peace." "The freak is leaving." "Happy now?" "Come inside." "Come back inside." "Come cry inside." "Albin, stop acting like a fool!" "I hate you." "You've ruined everything." "It's all right." "You can stay." "I don't feel very well." "All this emotion is too much for me." "Feel my pulse." "This is the end." "Let's go get a little something." "This is the end!" "You're just weak." "You haven't eaten all day." "Sit down." "Hello, Mr. Renato, Mr. Albin." "Hello, Marcel." "Two teas and toast." " Isn't he feeling well?" " He's just overtired." "Lie down a moment." "No, he'll feel better after some tea." "Unsalted toast." "What will we do about tonight?" "That's a problem." "What are we going to tell them?" "Two men like us..." "You're sweet." "That feels good." "I don't know." "Maybe I could be a relative." "Maybe his uncle." "Couldn't you say I'm his uncle?" "True, I don't look like an uncle." "But you don't exactly look the part either." "Didn't he say you were a cultural attaché?" "Cultural attaché my foot!" "We've got a real problem." "Here we are." "Tea and toast." "Feeling better?" " Thank you." "Cultural attaché?" "Look how you eat." "You just shovel it in." "Your pinky." "What's it doing up in the air?" "Look at it!" "What of it?" "It just does it by itself." "Tell that to the deputy tonight." "Let's try and make this uncle into a man." "You have to learn how a man holds a piece of toast:" "firmly, like this." "And he spreads the butter just as firmly." "And he drinks his tea calmly and keeps his pinky down." "First of all, sit up straight." " What's wrong now?" "Don't whine every time I correct you." "It's for your own good." "Come on, try." "I'd like you to be presentable tonight." "Let's take it from the toast and butter." "Like a man." "Don't be afraid to be firm." "You did that on purpose!" "Try again." "Take another piece." " I'll never get it." "Now you're blubbering again." "That's enough." "Hold it firmly in your little hand, decisive and strong." "An iron hand in a velvet glove." "A real man's piece of toast!" "Now on to something harder." " A little jam?" " Pick up the spoon." " I pick up the little spoon." "Not like that!" "You look like you're ringing a bell." "It's just a spoon." "Hold it boldly, without trembling!" "If you want to kill me, just say so." "Go for the eyes." "They're a sure thing." "I'll never get it." "I broke my toast." "Fine, that's unfortunate, but in a situation like this, it's important to take it like a man." "You understand?" " Of course." "You're right." "You have to say calmly to yourself," ""Albin, so you broke it." "It's not a big deal." "Your life isn't over."" "Try another piece." " You're right." "It's not like it's the end of the world." "There's still some toast left." "Careful with your pinky there!" " It does it all by itself." "That's enough now." "Blow." "Now let's go home." "Wait." "I want to freshen up a bit." "What did I do?" " What kind of walk is that?" " What about it?" "Walk like that tonight and our goose is cooked." " What am I going to do?" " Come here." "What do you want?" " Try to walk like John Wayne." " The cowboy?" "Yes, John Wayne." "You get down off your horse." "You head for the saloon." "You fling open the doors, and pow!" "Try it." " Like John Wayne?" "That's Miss John Wayne." "Hey, queer." "One of them called me a queer." "He's gonna show him!" "Did you call my friend a queer?" "The swelling's gone down." "It's nothing." "You were wonderful!" "Marvelous!" "I'm proud of you." "That big goon looked so silly sitting on top of you and banging your head on the floor." "I felt sorry for him." "He's a big brute with nothing better to do." "What a loser!" "No, let me." "I'll get some ice." "That'll be better." "Be right back, my love." "I have some bad news for you." "I gave in and told him to stay." " Why?" "Because I thought I'd have to carry him out on a stretcher, because we've been together for years, and because he owns 80% of the club." " So how will you introduce him?" " As your uncle." "We're done for now!" "Calm down." "Don't be so mule-headed." "Can't we talk it over?" "Of course, it would be better if we had a woman here." "Funny, isn't it?" "We need a woman here for once." "What about asking your mother?" " Out of the question!" " Why?" "She abandoned me 20 years ago." "I'm not asking her for a thing!" "Your attitude isn't helping much." "Fine." "I'll take care of it." "I'll take care of it." "You can't be serious." "You'd go see that woman after what she did to us?" "You're out of your mind." "Why?" "Excuse me." "Madame Deblon?" "Speak to her secretary." "Come in." "May I see Madame Deblon?" " You have an appointment?" " Just tell her it's Renato Baldi." "I doubt she'll see you without an appointment." "She's very busy." "Please try." "It's urgent." "Renato Baldi." "Wait outside." "Madame Deblon will see you." " I'm coming with you." " No, please." "I won't leave you alone with that woman." "I know what she's capable of." "Madame Deblon is waiting." "I'm coming." "It's you I love." "Don't worry." "Everything will be fine." "My dear madame president." "Well, well, this is quite a surprise." "Sit down." "I never drink in the morning, but for this occasion " "Whatever brings you here?" " Laurent." "Nothing serious?" "Very." "He wants to get married." "Already?" "How old is he?" "Old enough." "You haven't seen the boy in almost 20 years." "I know." "Did you come to scold me?" "No." "But today, for the first time, he needs you." "Fine." "I'll cancel my plans and join you tonight." " Thanks." " My pleasure." "I haven't done much for him in 20 years." "I often feel bad about it." " You needn't." "I'm just not the maternal type." "I am." "It's true." "He was lucky." "What time tonight?" "8:00." "We'll put on our little show and then send them on their merry way." " You remember the revue?" " How could I forget?" "You were so handsome!" "I'd never seen such a body." "You're embarrassing me, talking like that." "Remember how scared you were?" "I almost had a heart attack." "I walk in my room and find a woman in my bed!" "I gave the concierge 50 francs, a nice sum back then." "I was so drunk." "Otherwise I'd never have dared think," ""Why not give it a try?" "You have to try everything once, right?" "I've heard so much about it." "What have I got to lose?" "I'll give it a try."" "How long did it last between us?" "I can tell you exactly." "From 2:30 to 3:45... twice." "Hot in here, isn't it?" " You haven't changed." " Really?" "You put on a little weight, but it looks good on you." "Makes you... more virile." "What's all this hair?" "You didn't have it back then." " I shaved it for the stage." " You shaved it?" "He shaved it all off..." "Careful, Simone." "I like hairy chests." "Careful, this is a crepe shirt, and with those nails " "Now I've got a run!" "What does that red light mean?" "That madame is not to be disturbed for any reason." "Have you seen my glasses?" "Where are they?" "Ah, here we go." ""The death of President Berthier." Nothing." "Excellent." ""Exemplary career... heart attack."" "Nothing there either." "Excellent." "Nothing there either." "Sometimes having friends in the press comes in handy." "I knew it!" "I just knew it!" "The filthy scandal sheet!" "Two whole columns!" ""The Happy Death of President Berthier." Those rats!" "Calm down, Simon." "Listen to this:" ""The last words uttered by Berthier, champion of the Moral Order, were, 'Don't forget my little gift!"'" "The vultures!" "Forget all that muck, Simon." "Think of the purpose of this trip." "I have to return it to the antique dealer tomorrow." "And I redecorated the entire living room." "I hope your friends appreciate it." "What's going on?" "Thank you, Jacob." "I'd have liked to have seen your children." "Don't go, mistress!" "Don't go!" "My faithful Jacob." "What is this?" "Uncle Tom's Cabin?" "I know what you're thinking." "I'm a laughingstock." "Not just in the club... but in the street too." "Everywhere." "Oh, I know I look ridiculous." "And there's just one place where no one looks ridiculous." "That's where I'm going." "Good-bye, Renato." "Mistress, don't go!" "I'm leaving you my stereo, my red boots, and my wigs." "Just where are you going?" "Foissy." "There's nothing in Foissy but a cemetery." "That's why I'm taking the bare minimum." "You're taking a toothbrush to the grave?" "That's enough, Jacob." "I'm praying, master." "You know, my cemetery is in Lombardy." "It's the most beautiful cemetery in the world, with trees and birds and a blue sky." "Makes your cemetery here in Foissy look like shit." "Literally." "The dead here are up to their ears in shit." "Forgive me, but you're just a bitter old bitch." "You've lost your sex appeal, you're grotesque, and everyone laughs at you." "Yet here I am, still at your side, because you make me laugh." "So you know what I'm going to do?" "Sell my plot in Lombardy and lie by you here in the shit in Foissy so we can go on laughing." "Every time you're alone with that woman, it's the same thing." "It's only the second time in 20 years." "Precisely!" "Imagine having a second child at your age." "Because you're on your own next time, old girl." "I'm not going through motherhood again." "What's so funny?" "I feel like strangling you again." "Could I talk to you a minute?" "I know you're having problems at the moment... and that reporters will be following us for a few more days." "I wanted to tell you that... the people we're visiting " "Wait a minute." "Maître-d'!" "I'll be right with you, sir." "This meat isn't fresh." "I'll replace it, sir." "No!" "I'm not waiting hours for another piece!" "But a restaurant like this serving rotten meat - it's scandalous!" "If you don't wish to send it back, what else can I do?" "I know what I'm going to do:" "write to Michelin." "You'll have fewer stars in their next guidebook." "You may go." "Well done, Simon." "Now, about the people we're visiting...?" "No, nothing." "It's not important." "Very nice!" "Just like a real butler." "Aren't you forgetting something?" "I can't wear shoes." "They make me trip." "Go put some shoes on." "And use your normal voice." "It's much better." "The little master wanted the voice of a real black male." "Get out of here!" " You look great, Dad." " Think so?" "This suit reminds me of my grandfather." "He dressed just like this." "He killed himself when he was 30." "Remember, Dad:" "as few gestures as possible." "Don't fidget." "Don't talk." "Just the bare minimum." "The bare minimum?" "Well?" "No good?" "I dressed as appropriately as I could." "I took off all my rings." "No makeup." "And your feet?" "Of course, there's still a touch of color." "You're right." "I look even more outrageous like this." "That's what you're thinking, isn't it?" "And I agree." "So..." "I'll be going." "I'll just go." "I wanted so much to help you, my child." "Mr. Baldi, please." " Who's calling?" " Simone Deblon." "It's my mother." "Mr. Baldi's not in." "Who's this?" "Laurent?" "I want you to know..." "I've thought a lot since your father's visit." "Maybe it's a bit late for that now, but listen to me." "Your father's right." "You'll do better with a woman there." "I'm at a gas station on the highway." "If you still want me to come, I will." "Come." "What?" "Have you lost your mind?" "It'll be better with her here." "Do you know what he'll do if Simone sets foot in here?" "He said he wanted to help me." "He'll behave." "Relax." "It'll be fine." "Touch this, quickly." "That antique dealer is a thief, but if all goes well, I'll buy you." "I'll get rid of my good-luck charm." "In fact, you can have it now." "You have shoes on?" "Go let them in." "It's a pleasure." "Nice to meet you." "Please come in." "My father." "It's a pleasure." "My daughter." "Nice to meet you." "My husband." "It's a great honor." "My mother will be a bit late." "She went to visit my brothers and sisters vacationing at my grandparents'." "Andrea said you have a very large family." "Quite large." "How many brothers and sisters does Laurent have?" "Six." "People don't have enough children anymore." "Our movement is very concerned about this drop in the birthrate." "Allow me to congratulate you." "Your family should be held up as an example." "Please sit down." "One, two, three." " Charrier's chauffeur here." " Hold the line." "It's Charrier's chauffeur." "The Charriers are dining with the owners of La Cage aux Folles." "Are you sure?" "Positive." "I just dropped them off." "You can check for yourself." " Get Moreau in Toulon fast." "Charrier and the fags - this is too rich!" "Did you have a nice trip?" "Very nice." "Splendid weather, good roads." "Everything was fine." "We spent the night near Lyon, at my friend Bouchard's place, a fellow I met in the service and then ran into years later who's now in the hotel business." "He inherited a little place from his father and turned it into a modern hotel... that's very comfortable and pleasant." "It was nice." "Just fine." "A pleasant stopover." "Wasn't it?" "It was... pleasant." "I like the austerity of this room." "Yes, for my father this house is more a place for work and reflection than a vacation home." "A monastery." "I'm very sensitive to my surroundings." "The moment I walk in the door, I know who I'm dealing with." "And I'm pleased to say" "I feel very comfortable here." "My husband's fallen for your charms." "He rarely pays anyone such a compliment." "I must admit that though I'm a civil servant," "I'm actually " "Perhaps you'd prefer something besides champagne?" "Port?" "Whiskey?" "Ma'am?" "No, just a little water, please." "I never drink either, but I think I might make an exception today." "Watch what you're doing, you twit!" "No harm done." "Champagne brings good luck." "That'll do, Jacob." "I'll pour." "Can I help you?" "Jacob is very nice, but he still has a lot to learn." "It's so hard to get good help these days." "If you knew how many chauffeurs I've gone through this year!" "It must be even harder for you, with all the traveling that diplomats do." "Here I am!" "It's me." "It's Mother." "Please forgive me, but traffic these days!" "The traffic jams are really becoming impossible." "Please forgive me." "Good evening." "I'm simply thrilled to meet you, the father of that naughty girl who's stealing away my big boy!" "The naughty thing!" "Excuse me." "Hello, my dear." "I'm just joking, of course." "I like the dear child already." "She's so cute!" "Well, do we get a kiss?" "How about a kiss for Mommy?" "Come here, darling." "I like her already." "She's adorable." "She's nervous, of course." "Come here." "Do I scare you?" "What a cute young thing!" "You have a cigarette?" "Go try and stop your mother." "Explain what's happened." "Excuse me a moment." "Where's the boy going?" "Dinner is served." "Jacob, what's come over you?" "Nothing." "Nothing at all." "Help is such a problem these days!" "We were just saying that." "It's close to impossible to find good help these days." "You're telling me!" "You can't imagine the number of maids we've gone through here, each as clumsy as the next." "Not bad girls." "Just inept." "I could name half a dozen:" "Roger, Marcel, Lucien " "Dinner!" "Fine!" "No need to be unpleasant." "My word, this Christ is beautiful!" " It was my father..." " What?" "who restored it." "He was a connoisseur of art and antiques." "Now, then, Mr. Charrier on my right," "Renato here on my left." "Mrs. Charrier there, and the dear girl there, across from her mother." "Please." "These plates are quite unusual." "It's young men playing together, isn't it?" "We have so many plates I can't keep track." "They're Greek youths." "I think they're Greek youths." "Oh, you're right." "Greeks on my plates - how strange!" "Would you like to see it?" "Just a minute." "I can't see a thing without my glasses, but they're all boys, aren't they?" "There must be some girls somewhere." "Yes, I think I see one." "What a cute child!" "She's right, of course." "There's a girl there." "Isn't that a girl?" "You clearly haven't seen one lately." "These are boys." "It's easy to tell - they're naked!" "Where are my glasses?" "Here, hold it." "I'll be right back." "The idiot sets the table and doesn't even notice!" "Give me the pot!" "It's incredible." "I can never find them." "Now, what are these Greek youths doing?" "Peasant soup Martinique-style." "Jacob's specialty." "I'm sorry, madame." "Jacob, continue serving." "Poor Mrs. Charrier has the Lord in her arms." "My apologies." "Nothing but problems today." "I'm sorry." "This way, please." "There are just two ways in - here or through the club." "Morin and Chauvet, wait in front." "We'll stay here." "Will you be staying on the Riviera a while?" "No, I don't like to be away from my constituency." " Your what?" " My constituency." "Besides, the ambiance of this area, the wantonness, the loose morals - it all turns my stomach." "Speaking of which... doesn't that club downstairs bother you?" "A... uh... club?" "Yes, that sort of nightclub." "La Cage aux Folles." "Ah, la Cage aux Folles." "Not really." "But it's the same building!" "You share walls with those people?" "Just the walls." "We don't fraternize with them." "Not at all." "It's another world." "But who owns the building?" "We do." "You rent your basement to the owner of a nightclub?" "Well... yes." "But we didn't know he owned a nightclub." "Of course not." "He's a man of few words." "He doesn't say much." "Just hello and good-bye." "He's not the type to tell you," ""I'm going to open up a nightclub in your basement."" "Excuse me." "Perhaps we should discuss the wedding." "Laurent isn't here, but all the better." "Yes, parents should discuss these matters, even though the dears tend to ignore what we say." "My dear Mr. Charrier, what do you think of our children's decision?" "I must say that at first I had my reservations." "But when my daughter told me about how upstanding and respectable your family was " "When your daughter told you...?" "It put my mind at ease." "I felt that Andrea was too young to get married, and your son as well." "But since they're in love and won't listen to reason, and since they chose each other " "Since they chose each other...?" "Well, I must admit that at first... we too were somewhat opposed to this marriage." "Especially me." "It's always hard on a mother when her son leaves her for another woman." "You'll say, "But that's life."" "Of course it is." "We all know our children will leave us someday." "Still, it's hard to bear." "Excuse us." "Come, darling." "Just a moment." "Please excuse me." "What's wrong?" "Just look in the mirror!" "So it slipped a bit." "No big deal." " What were you thinking?" " They believe it." "All three were lovely to me." "I made a big impression." "Are you crazy?" "We're gonna end up on our asses here!" "Besides, I'm doing it for Laurent, not for you." "And it's working just fine." "Onstage, perhaps." "Look at your wrists and ankles." "You think that man didn't notice your hairy hands?" "I have to get back, or they'll be wondering." "My wig!" "Give me back my wig!" "Give it back!" "TWENTY YEARS OF HAPPINESS" "They're not expecting this." "I'm sure it'll be a surprise!" "Mr. Baldi, please." "Mr. Baldi lives upstairs, but you have to go around." "I'm Laurent's mother." "Come with me." "Happy anniversary to you" "Where are their manners, leaving us alone like this?" "And their son leaving so abruptly before the meal." "Perhaps he had something urgent to take care of." "And that woman's very strange." "I don't know what you think, but there's something about her..." "I think she's nice." "Did someone knock?" "Yes!" "Where's that butler?" "Who's there?" "Laurent's mother is here, Mr. Baldi." "Laurent's mother?" "It's me, Renato." "Open the door." "It's Laurent's mother." "Who's there?" "Laurent's mother." "Mr. Baldi isn't here." "I don't have the key." "It's in the cupboard by the door." "What cupboard?" "On the left." "You must be Mr. Charrier." "Simone Baldi." "Nice to meet you." "Your daughter's adorable, madame." "My compliments." "She's gorgeous." "I knew Laurent had taste, but not like this." "Mr. Baldi, just how many mothers does your son have?" "Would you repeat the question?" "I'm asking you:" "How many mothers does your son have?" "Just one." "Albin." "Nice to meet you." "Isn't he adorable?" "La Cage aux Folles... belongs " "Dad, can I talk to you?" "What was that story you gave me!" "Cultural attaché!" "Housewife!" "That's enough now!" "I tried to tell you, but I've been afraid of you for 18 years!" "Simon!" "Let's go." "That's right!" "Let's get going!" "No, I'm staying." "Then stay!" "I no longer have a daughter!" "Reporters!" "That's the last straw!" "A nice white wedding, huh?" "In great splendor, with the pope's blessing!" "That picture isn't worth shit." "What do you see?" "Charrier on the other side of a door?" "What good is that?" "I can see the headlines in tomorrow's papers." ""The Sequel to President Berthier and His Whore " "Deputy Charrier at La Cage aux Folles."" "Please look closely at this door." "There's no neon sign saying "La Cage aux Folles."" "You can leave quietly." "The bastards blocked the door." "They're trying to force you to leave through the club." "The club?" "Very clever." " We'll call the police." " No police!" "A ladder!" "Do you have a ladder?" "Don't start that again!" "I'm ruined!" "Renato, the man's right." "And his poor wife too." "They're really in a fix." "It's a pleasure to see." "Looks like I'll have to save the day once again." "You want to get out of here, right?" "No scandal, no publicity?" "It's always a shock the first time." "You'll get used to it." "What a figure!" "You're gorgeous!" " Simon, you look awful!" " I know!" "White makes me look fat." "I wanted black!" "He has charm." "That's all he needs." "Hurry." "There's no time to lose!" "Mercedes, dance with her." "Come on, old girl." "Act natural." "Off you go, sugar." "To the hotel, quickly!" "How much?" " What?" "Don't you recognize me?" " But madame " "Who are you calling "madame"?" "It's her." "She came." "I knew it." "I told you I didn't want her here." "She's the mother of my son." "It's only natural." "No, it's not natural!" "Playing the model mother after all these years!" "Well, if she stays," "I'm not staying for the luncheon." " Please, Albin." " I'll leave!" "That's all there is to it." " Please listen." "No, you listen!" "I've had it!" "You can explain to Laurent." "He loves me, so he'll understand that on his wedding day, his Auntie had to slink home all alone like a dog!" "There are some things a person just can't bear!"