"NARRATOR:" "Previously on Two and a Half Men:" "I think we can all agree that Charlie lived life to its fullest and gave it everything he had." "He gave me herpes." "I still don't see why we have to sell." "He left it to me, he wanted me to have it." "Can you make the mortgage payments?" "Not per se." "ALAN:" "Are you okay?" "Yeah, I'm fine." "I was just trying to drown myself." "You tried to commit suicide?" "Yeah, but I had no idea that the water would be that cold." "I have been where you are." "Rejected, friendless, broke." "I'm not broke." "I'm worth, like, a billion dollars." "Beg pardon?" "I just went to a funeral, I don't want to be involved in another one." "Why don't you and I go out and have a drink and talk?" "About what?" "Why somebody would want to kill themselves when they have a billion dollars." "My wife dumped me and I wanna die." "I don't know if I can ever love anyone the way that I love her." "It'll be okay." "Oh, God, I miss my wife." "Guess what?" "I had sex with two girls last night." "Great." "I masturbated and cried myself to sleep." "I like my night better." "Oh, hey, I dig your house, so I'm gonna buy it, okay?" "Oh, okay." "You're the best." "Oh" " Ugh." "Whoa." "This is Walden." "He's gonna buy the house." "Welcome to my humble abode." "So, what do you think?" "Will you stay on?" "I'd consider it, if the price is right." "[THINKING] I'd also consider smothering you with my sweet, sweet loving." "Well, money is not an issue." "Good to know." "[THINKING] Ka-ching." "What's down here?" "Mm." "Ice." "I like it better on top." "[THINKING] Me too, puppy." "What I really need is a housekeeper who's gonna be here all the time." "Because, you know, I'm not very good at taking care of myself." "Oh, I can take care of you." "[THINKING] Oh, I can take care of you." "Well, my car's all packed, I guess I'm ready to go." "Great news, Alan." "Berta has agreed to be my live-in housekeeper." "Really?" "Yeah, he talked me into it." "[THINKING] I wonder what his sweat tastes like." "Well, that is good news." "Here are a couple of sets of keys remotes for the garage, and garbage pick-up is on Tuesday." "Oh, you take care of the garbage, right?" "Nope." "Well, I guess it's time for me to go." "Wait, come here." "Give us a hug goodbye." "Seriously?" "Come on, Alan, despite everything, you and me have been like family." "Oh." "I guess." "[CHUCKLES]" "I'm taking your room, Zippy." "Of course you are." "Well, see you." "I'll walk you out." "[THINKING] I could bite that ass like an apple." "Well, I hope you'll be very happy here, Walden." "Thank you." "I don't know if I'd be happy without my wife." "Come on, you're young, you're rich and you've got a face that gives women an erection." "What about love?" "What about commitment?" "What about spending a lifetime with your spiritual soul mate?" "Hey, look, a peephole." "Hello." "Yeah." "I love peepholes." "You know what they say, people who love peepholes are the luckiest people in the world." "Okay, good luck." "Hey, thank you for all your help and advice." "You're welcome." "And if you ever need a friend to talk to, you know where to find me." "Your mommy's." "Only temporarily." "Okay." "Well, if I left anything here, feel free to, you know, keep it throw it away, whatever." "Great." "Bye." "Bye." "Bye!" "Phew." "Okay, Walden Schmidt." "It's time to start your new life as a single man in Malibu." "Hello?" "Dad?" "Why are you unpacking?" "Because you told me I could stay here." "Temporarily." "Yeah, a few days, couple of weeks." "A month, tops." "Yeah, right." "Oh." "Why can't you just stay with your girlfriend?" "Oh, oh." "This isn't a good time for Lyndsey and I to be moving in together." "Why not?" "She's going through a phase where the very touch of me fills her with revulsion." "Um...." "I" " I'm thinking it's pre-menopause." "Yes, I'm sure that's why." "Well, just so you know, I'm not putting my life on hold while you're here." "And I wouldn't expect you to." "Just go on with your life." "Do whatever it is you'd do as if I weren't here." "Well, I have a date tonight." "Oh, great." "Ha-ha." "We'll probably wind up having sex." "Sure." "Rough sex." "Right." "So stay away from my bedroom." "No problem." "Even if you hear me screaming." "Especially if I hear you screaming." "Unless, I'm repeatedly screaming "umbrella."" "Umbrella?" "That's my safe word." "Sometimes they can't hear it through the leather mask." "Most moms would've stopped with "l have a date tonight."" "Hey, Bridge, it's me again." "What is the name of that shampoo that I use that doesn't sting my eyes?" "Baby shampoo?" "Where do I get it?" "Any supermarket?" "That is remarkably convenient." "Oh, while I have you on the phone, will you take me back?" "Wow, it's like "no" is your favorite word now." "Don't hang up." "Don't hang up." "Hey, what is the toilet paper that we use?" "You know, the stuff that's soft on my tushy, like a cloud?" "You grow up!" "H" " Hello, hello?" "Hey, Berta, will you run to the supermarket..." "...and get me baby shampoo?" "Sure." "Then I'll sit in the tub with you and wash your hair." "Oh, Berta." "I miss her so much." "Oh, hey, hey, everything's gonna be all right." "Wait and see." "I've never felt so bad in my life." "Oh." "And I never felt so good." "[DOORBELL RINGS]" "EVELYN:" "Don't." "Stop." "Don't." "Stop." "What are you doing?" "I said don't stop." "I should be on the roof with a rifle." "Oh, hey, Walden." "You left some books in your room." "Oh, thank you." "You didn't have to drive all the way over here." "Is it really possible to hypnotize a woman and make her your slave?" "That was a" " That was a gag gift for my birthday." ""Ten Minutes a Day to Incredible Wealth"?" "Oh, good, that's my poop book." "Um...." "I'd invite you in, but my mom doesn't let me have friends over." "That's cool." "Mm-hm." "You wanna go out and maybe do something?" "What do you have in mind?" "EVELYN:" "Umbrella!" "Doesn't matter, let's go." "EVELYN:" "Umbrella!" "Umbrella!" "Umbrell" "ALAN:" "Nice car." "What is it?" "It's an electric Fisker." "State-of-the-art lithium ion technology supplemented with a turbo-charged engine." "Solar panels on the roof." "Blue Volkswagen." "Punch bug." "So, how much does something like this cost?" "About a hundred grand." "But it's great for the environment." "I don't know why anyone would drive anything else." "Speaking for myself bone-crushing poverty is something of a stumbling block." "Maybe you could lease." "I've got a confession to make, Alan." "Me too." "The hypnotism book wasn't really a gift." "I really came over because I was kind of lonely." "Oh, sure, sure." "I've been there." "A lot." "In fact, I'm there now." "I've never really spent much time alone." "I've been with Bridget since high school." "Mm." "High school sweethearts." "When I was in high school, I was dating a poster of Molly Ringwald." "But back then she was crazy in love with me." "I didn't have any money then." "I'm sure she still loves you." "No she's changed." "Her heart has become cold and angry." "Um...." "You're starting to go a little fast there, buddy." "Heh." "Who wakes up one day and decides they don't wanna be married anymore?" "Well, actually, it only seems that way." "In my experience, they've been mulling it over for quite a while." "You know, the speed limit is 35 and you're going" " Oh, oh, 80." "Ha-ha-ha." "What happened to "till death do us part"?" "Yeah, who died?" "Not you, not her." "Oh, good golly, 95." "Whoa, whoa!" "This thing really takes the corners." "I love her, Alan." "And I want her back." "Well, I know you do." "Oh, 103, Walden, 103." "Life is not worth living without Bridget." "Truck, truck, truck!" "It hurts so much!" "[HORN HONKING]" "I can't take it anymore!" "Umbrella!" "WALDEN:" "I'm sorry I scared you by driving so fast." "That's okay." "I'm sorry I peed a little on your seat." "Where are we?" "We're going to my house." "Gotta talk Bridget into taking me back." "Oh, no." "No, no." "Bad idea." "When a woman doesn't want you, begging does not help." "I spent more time on my knees than any straight man in America." "What is this, a gated community?" "WALDEN:" "No, it's just my house." "Wow, instead of going to chiropractor school..." "..." "I should have married a billionaire." "Well, next time you'll know." "BRIDGET [OVER INTERCOM]:" "What are you doing here, Walden?" "I just wanna talk to you." "Go away or I'll call the police." ""Go away or I'll call the police." Ha-ha." "Man, that takes me back." "Um...." "What do you say I drive us home?" "I'm not giving up that easy." "Whoa, whoa, whoa." "Where" " You heard what she said about the police, right?" "I'm going to get my wife back." "Come on." "Come on?" "What's my part in this?" "I need you to help me over the gate." "Okay, again, voice of experience here." "Criminal trespass usually ends with her dating the cop." "Will you just come on?" "[ALAN GRUNTS]" "There" " Let me go" " I'm doing this" "Okay." "I got it." "Get" " I got it." "Okay." "Okay." "I got it." "Good luck." "Come on." "Again, come on?" "I need your help getting in a window." "Oh, terrific." "Now I'm Spider-Man." "[GRUNTING]" "Walden, do not make me turn that gate on." "What--?" "What does that mean, "turn the gate on"?" "Don't worry, she's bluffing." "[ELECTRICITY BUZZING]" "[BOTH SCREAMING]" "I still have a buzzing in my ears!" "I can't hear you, I have a buzzing in my ears!" "God, Walden, what is wrong with you?" "If loving you is wrong, then I am wrong." "It" " It's true." "He talks about you all the time." "[MIMICS BUZZING SOUND]" "I expect this from him, he has the emotional maturity of a 12-year-old." "What's your excuse?" "Uh...." "I live with my mom, she's having rough sex, and I had to get out of the house." "Honey, I just don't understand why we can't work things out." "Okay, I'll tell you again." "Oh, this part is never good." "I'm tired of living with a child." "I'm tired of being more of a mother than a wife." "Whoa, oh, whoa." "You are not more of a mother than a wife." "Really?" "Who picks out your clothes?" "You." "Who tells you when to go to sleep?" "You." "Who does the cooking and cleaning?" "The cooking and the cleaning ladies." "Before we were rich." "You." "Look, Walden, you're a sweet guy and I'll always love you." "But I can't live with Peter Pan anymore." "Now, now, to be fair, Peter Pan didn't want to grow up." "From what I understand, Walden's just never had to." "Sorry, seemed important up here." "Down here, not so much." "Bridget, believe me, I can grow up." "Oh, please." "At least give me a chance to try." "[BOTH MIMICKING BUZZING SOUND]" "I gave you 15 years." "It's over." "Okay." "Can I play a little "Donkey Kong" with Alan before I go?" "Are you insane?" "Get out!" "Oh, yeah, fine." "I'm insane." "Ahh, ahh, ahh!" "Come on, Alan!" "Thank you for the water and the:" "[MIMICS BUZZING SOUND]" "Hold on." "Let's go." "Where does she get off calling me a child?" "You seem a little upset, maybe I should drive us." "She is a stupid-head." "Oh." "Oh, white Volkswagen, huh, huh?" "Come on." "Wait, I've got an idea." "Why don't we stop, have a drink and talk?" "Drinking is not the answer." "No, stopping is the answer." "Oh, dear, God." "Where is that toilet paper?" "Oh, boy." "[WALDEN SNORTS]" "Alan?" "Yeah?" "Why are you lying on top of me?" "Because I didn't wanna be on the bottom?" "I think we're naked." "Yeah." "You can ignore what's going on down there." "That was a morning reflex." "Could you get it off of me, please?" "Absolutely." "Absolutely." "[GROANS]" "Do you remember anything?" "Uh...." "We went to a liquor store and then we came back here." "Then we went skinny-dipping." "Right, right." "Whose idea was that?" "BERTA:" "Mine." "Shh." "Okay, your pants are clean." "Thank you." "Two words for you." "Adult diapers." "Ugh." "Look, Walden was driving ridiculously fast and I have a nervous bladder." "Save it, Zippy, this is not my first pee-stain rodeo with you." "[KNOCK ON DOOR]" "[IN AUSTRALIAN ACCENT] Hi, is Charlie here?" "Oh, God, another one." "You deal with it." "Hi, I'm Charlie's brother, Alan." "I'm Penelope." "Is he here?" "Maybe you'd better sit down." "Is everything okay?" "Um...." "No." "Uh...." "Penelope, the thing is, Charlie passed away." "What?" "It was very sudden." "[VOICE BREAKING] Oh, my God." "I'm sorry." "He was such a terrific guy." "I can't believe he's gone." "Hey, what's going on?" "Hello, I'm Penelope." "Oh." "Walden." "What are you crying about?" "I have no idea." "Don't worry about me, I'll let myself out." "You smell good." "Thank you." "It's baby shampoo." "[MIMICKING WALDEN] "What are you crying about?"" "[IN AUSTRALIAN ACCENT] "l have no idea."" "[IN NORMAL VOICE] Oh, Bridget." "Hi." "Hi, I came to talk to Walden." "Really?" "Yeah, I think maybe I've been a little hard on him." "Well, um...." "Bridget?" "ALAN:" "Hey." "Walden?" "Look who came to talk to you, Walden." "Your wife." "You're married?" "Yeah, long-time married." "They just met." "This is Penelope, my girlfriend." "What?" "ALAN:" "Shut up and walk." "I'm glad you came." "Come, sit down." "When I saw you with that girl, I thought maybe she was with you." "What--?" "Psh." "You're kidding, right?" "No, Alan is the ladies' man." "I mean, he's a total pickup artist." "Come on, Charlie's dead, Walden's married." "What's wrong with me?" "So I was thinking we could go out to dinner sometime." "Let me prove that I can change." "I can be a grown-up." "I guess I owe you that much." "Sweet." "Sorry to interrupt." "Just went on a little jog with my lady." "I'll get out of your way." "Hold on." "I'm going to say goodbye to my guest." "Because that's the grown-up thing to do, right?" "Alan, thank you." "You saved my butt back there." "I'm glad things are working out." "I owe you big time." "If there is anything you need any way I can help you, you just let me know." "Well, since you mention it..." "...you could do me a little favor." "Name it." "Well, I'm really uncomfortable living at my mom's." "Think I could stay here for a few days till I find my own place?" "No problem." "A few days, a couple of weeks." "Yeah." "Done." "A month, tops." "Whatever." "Great, great, thanks." "And don't worry, I am not one to overstay my welcome." "Cool." "I'm back." "[English" " US" " SDH]"