"Thirty seconds and counting." "Power transfer is complete." "We're on internal power with the launch vehicle at this time." "T minus 20 seconds and counting." "All 2nd stage tanks now pressurized." "T minus 15 seconds." "Guidance is internal." "Twelve, eleven, ten, nine," "Ignition sequence starts." "six, five, four, three, two, one, zero." "All engines running." "Lift off!" "We have a lift-off!" "And so, in 1972, the Atlas Centaur rocket blasted off from our planet, a 4-stage rocket that launched a probe way out into the blackness of space." "The probe would use the energy from the sun and the gravitational pull of our neighbouring planets to cross our solar system." "That momentum would then carry it on into the farthest reaches of the universe." "The mission: to find intelligent life similar to ours, out there, in deep space." "The probe carried a tablet with an image inscribed of us humans, a man and a woman, and a map to locate us in the universe." "Stage four disconnects, and our probe is fired on its long journey." "The world wished it bon voyage." "May it find a friend out there in deep space." "[Subtitles by davideisaura]" "Welcome, ladies and gentlemen." "When I interviewed Neil Clarke for the "Book Programme"" "I knew he was extraordinary." "Now with the publication of his brilliant novel, reviewers agree he's joined the ranks of Britain's immortals." "Ladies and gentlemen, Neil Clarke." "I suppose I want to start off by asking you how did you manage such amazing insight into the soul of modern man, and how do you know what men and women really want, just really the whole relationship between humanity and the cosmos?" "Well I think I probably achieved that by looking into my own soul, Catherine." "I studied its flaws, its potential, its urgent needs." "I listened to its cries for help, its yelps of anguish," "and I spent five long years on a book which would open the doors of human perception, and allow us to be enguilfed in a sense of our own futility." "Sorry about this." "It" "Get off!" "Go watch TV." "Your dog is barking." "My dog was barking because you rang the doorbell." "I rang the doorbell because your dog was barking." "Your lease says no pets." "Well he is a guide dog." "You're not blind." "I prefer the term optically challenged." "You're not optically challenged either." "Fiona, you live like three floors up." "I mean" "If you don't control your bloody dog," "I'll have it sent to Battersea Dogs' Home." "All right?" "All right." "Come on Dennis, let's go and evacuate your bowels." "Come on, Dennis." "Come on." " Hello, Neil." " Oh hi, Catherine." "It's funny, I was just dreaming about you." "Really?" "Yes, you were presenting me with an award for my novel." " Did you deserve it?" " I was proud, but humble." "Have you finished it, actually, in real life?" " Absolutely." "Almost, yes." " Because you were in chapter..." "Yes, I renumbered them." "In fact, I've removed them." "I find the concept of chapters just gets in the way, so..." "Yeah." "Yeah, I can see that." "I wanted reading it to feel like being sucked into a giant vortex." "You know." " Like going on Facebook." " Yes, like Facebook." "Good one." ""Like being sucked into a giant vortex."" "Dennis, why do you let me say things like this?" "Hey, come on." "[Alien language.]" " Come on Ray, it's only 20 quid." " I can't, Neil." " But it can't lose!" " No." "I guarantee you a 50% return before the end of classes today." "So when you do you make your move on Miss "Booker Prize" downstairs?" "I don't." "Turns out she's a bit literal minded." "No foresight." "Whereas me," "I can see miles into the future." "A man needs a woman, Neil." " I've got Dennis." " Dennis is male." "And he's a dog, in case you haven't noticed." "I don't want to complicate my life." "This is a tenner!" "Walk!" "[Alien language.]" "Accessing representative images of Earthlings." "Communication will be carried on in the language of the species to be judged." "I'm sorry, I'm not understanding." " Is that better?" " Understanding you now, Sharon." "By the power investd in me by the Intergalactic Council of Superior Species," "I hereby pronounce a destruction order on the planet Earth." "With great respect, Sharon, we should not pronounce a destruction order before we've given these Earthlings a chance to prove themselves." " They penetrated intergalactic space!" " Maureen is right." "They're clearly not a superior species." "Look at the way they copulate!" "If these Earthlings can convince us that they are superior beings, they may join our society." "If they cannot, we must eliminate them, for the moral wellbeing of the entire intergalactic community." " Thank you for explaining that, Sharon." " Not at all, Miss Barker." "No, Grant, I don't want to talk to you." "I don't want to see you, either." "We had a great time last night, but it's over." "What part of over do you not understand?" "Thank you for calling." "Bye bye." "These questions of yours make me sound as if I thought this bloody author can string two words together." " He can." "It's a wonderful book." "Darling, didn't you read the memo?" "We're doing a demolition job." "But it's the best thing he's ever written." "Everyone says so." "That's why we have to pee on it from a great height." "I want ten new questions, please." "Before noon." "Don't you know?" "She never reads the books." "She hates books." "Why's she presenting a book program, then?" "I spy trouble." "Now Catherine, you may despise her ego, but that's what viewers tune in to see." "Not books, not authors, god forbid!" "But Fenella's rampant, pulsating, sexually arousing ego." "But I think people watch becaue it's a book program, and they love books." "Books are finished." "Our job is to provide scandal, gossip and character assassination, with a thin veneer of literary respectability." "Then we're not just selling out, we've sold out." "Exactly." "For God's sake, smile!" "It's enough to make you weep, isn't it." "What?" "The price of pickles." "Don't even look at the marinated herring." "Honestly, it'd be suicidal." "I didn't want them anyway." "Thanks." "I also offer support and counseling on dips, dried fruit and pasta sauces." "She's gone." " The usual test, Sharon?" " The usual test, Kylie." "One Earthling will be chosen randomly, as defined by the Intergalactic Manual of Good and Evil." " Page 56, paragraph B." " Page 56, paragraph D." "Oh." "Right." "To prove that they understand the difference between good and evil." "How will they prove it?" "You will be given the power that all superior beings have." "The Earthling be capable of doing absolutely anything." "What if he uses his power for evil?" "The earth will be eliminated." "And if he uses it for good?" "Then we welcome them to the intergalactic community." "Are we ready, gentlemen?" "Commencing random selection of earthlings." "Processing." "Processing." "Earthling..." " Jolly good!" " Wait." "...selected." "The Earthling has ten days to prove he can use absolute power for good, rather than for evil." "God!" "Screw you!" "All they want me to do is sneer at people who wrote wonderful books." "My producer just wants me to dig up dirt on Amenhotep III." "I keep telling them he had a kind nature, and lovely hands." "I'd've loved to spend an evening with Amenhotep III." "Yeah, except he's been dead 4,000 years, Rosie." "You spend all day long talking about embalming." " Well find me a good one still breathing." " Tell me about it." " What about Grant?" " 'Colonel' Grant turned out to have issues." " Issues?" " Yes." "Clinically insane." " That's a shame." " Maybe that's overstating it." "He's just obsessive, possessive and pathologically jealous." " What about him upstairs?" " He tried to cheer me up in the supermarket." "Oh, so he's gay." "What?" "Well he's sympathetic, interested, available..." "That's the way life works." "No, he's not gay." "He's... very likeable." "Mr Clarke." "Hi." "This is the 12th time you've been late this month." " I got knocked off my bike." " Yesterday you had food poisoning." "Friday, you thought it was Saturday." " Monday you forgot to put your clock forward." " Everydody does that." "A week last Wednesday you had an appointment with the Dalai Lama." " Yes, I showed you the picture." " That had Michael Jackson in it as well." "Well he's a great man." "Great enough to appear in photographs when he's dead." "You, Mr Clarke, are totally irresponsible." "You are idle and feckless." " Feckless?" " Yes, you're without 'feck'." "If I could replace you, I would." "Yeah, well so would I. I just have no one to replace me with." "Hello, gorgeous." "How about cocktails for two this evening?" "Go halves?" "Drop dead, Ray." "All right." "Think about it and get back to me." "Knob." " Neil?" " Yeah." "If you could do anything, what would you do?" "Hello Neil, love." "Tinned mouse or fricassee of war victim?" " I'll have the roast headmaster, please." " You're a one!" " There you go." " Thank you." "I'll have the casserole please." "You'll enjoy that, Mr. Ray , as long as you don't eat it." "If you could make anything you want happen, what would it be?" "I'd make Dennis regurgitate my notes for chapter three." " I mean make something impossible happen." " Intact." "What if you could make someone worship the ground you walked on?" "Even if she thought you were a little shit?" "That would be taking unfair advantage of an innocent girl." "Suppose there was one thing you could do to change your life for the better." "Easy." "I'd made alien spaceships destroy 10C." "That sounded like it was in the school." "Out of the way!" "Out of the way!" "Stand back!" "Stand back!" "Stay calm." "Oh my god!" "Who was that?" "It was the salubrious Gat of galaxy G946WOT." " Gat, what do you think you're doing?" " Just practicing, Sharon." "We have't done the judicial review yet." "We may not want to destroy this species." "Who are you kidding?" "445,349,722 new alien species encountered." "How many have been granted membership of the intergalactic community?" "Zero." " We have high standards." " You know you're going to wipe them out." "It all depends on the Earthling." "The signs of a recovery seem as far away as ever." "Hey, hello Dennis." "Oh Dennis, couldn't you have waited?" "We now go live to our reporter Brenda Emmanus, at the scene of the incident." "It was here at Kinbrook Comprehensive that an explosion killed 38 pupils." "A police spokesman said they could not rule out a terrorist attack, but they say it had no connection with reports of a UFO sighting in the area." "The head teacher, Mr Robert" "Oh sure, Dennis." "It was an alien spaceship." "What are you talking about?" "If I could make an alien spaceship destroy 10C," "I wouldn't be farting around with this, would I." "I'd just say, "Dog mess, clean yourself up."" "See?" "It's just shock." "It's just post-hallucination shock." "That's all it is." "It couldn't have been an alien spaceship, could it?" "I mean it couldn't have." "Oh my God." "My notes." "Damn it!" "Whisky... go back in the bottle." "See?" "You see?" "There's nothing." "Nothing." "Nothing." "Whiskey, go back in the bottle." "Oh my god!" "I have to wave my hand!" "Whisky..." "Exchange yourself for another bottle." "A single malt!" "Hey, come back!" "Door open, quick!" "Not that quick!" "I didn't mean go back to the shop to to get exchanged!" "It's closed!" "Oh, shit!" "Gotcha!" " Golf Yankee, 10-3, 10-3, priority." " Help me, Dennis!" "Dennis, be quiet." "Shit." "All right, laddie." "You're nicked." "Make me at home having dinner with Dennis." "Oh, yuck!" "Dog food!" "You say one word about this, constable, and you'll be on community relations." "Oh my god." "10C!" "Let everyone who died be alive again!" "Oh god!" "No no no!" "I wanted everyone in 10C to be alive again, obviously not everone who's ever died ever!" "Are you crazy?" "Shit, shit!" "And let everyone who died in the bomb blast be completely uninjured!" "Shit, shit, shit!" "Uh okay." "Me: feel better." "Oh, that's better." "Me: have a really good idea about what to do next." "Oh, that's a good idea." "Let the explosion never have happened." "If you could make anything you wanted happen, what would it be?" "I'm sorry, what?" "If you could do anything, what would you do?" "That's very weird." "I think I just dreamt that I could." " What?" " Do anything." "I dreamt that if I could just wave my hand and say such and such, it would happen." "So what did you do?" "I made alien spaceships destroy 10C." "Good thinking." "I would make Dorothy Pringle worship the ground I walked on." "You wouldn't be so cruel!" "Hello, and welcome to Book News, the show where you get to know which books are coming to you, and authors get what's coming to them." "What's the truth under publishers' blurbs?" "Why do writers' photographs always show them looking ten years younger?" "You've come to the right place to find out." "Our first guest tonight is Mortimer Stanley, whose latest novel is entitled, "What you see with your eyes open"." "Mortimer, your last novel was published nearly ten years ago." "It got what they call "mixed reviews", and sold fewer than 3,000 copies." " What possessed you to write another one?" " Well, my wife was dying." "You were estranged, weren't you?" "Yes, but on her deathbed she urged me to write another book." " Knowing she wouldn't have to read it." " Well..." "Fenella's complaining you didn't tell her about his shoplifting conviction." "He was 14, James." "It has nothing to do with his book." "Neither has the show, Cath." "Listen, what upsets Fenella about you is your integrity." "But me, I quite like it." "Play your cards right, and you could get your own office, with a bigger desk and a view." "Sorry." "Excuse me." "Mind you, you have to play your cards right." "What the hell are you doing here?" " Oh don't I get a kiss?" " Please go away." "That wouldn't fair to you, Cath." "This is a wonderful opportunity for you to get to know the real me." "Well I'm calling security." "Not just the charming, high- flying military strategist." "Hello." "Security?" "Not the inventor of extreme rendition, either." "I have an intruder in room 405." "Or the mastermind behind warrentless domestic surveillance." "Just a humble officer who adores you." " Grant, I appreciate that you like me." " Like?" "Like?" "You think I'm one of these carboard cutouts?" "No, no." "Adulate." "Worship." "OK, well I don't adulate or worship you." "In fact, I don't really like you." "So just go away and leave me alone." " So there's some hope!" " No, no." "There's no hope." "Cath, I came all the way to England to see you." "Doesn't that show how much I care about you?" "No, it shows that you're obsessed." "That's not a quality I admire." "Really." "I think the lady wants you to go, Colonel." "You work for the BBC, don't you." "I do." "Do you know who ultimately controls the BBC?" "A guy who used to work down the hall from me at Fort Bragg." "And he did it in his spare time." "I'll catch you later, honey." "It was a party." "I was doing a documentary." "I was drunk." "You're judging me." "I'd like 10C to become a model class, kind and considerate and eager to learn." " Good afternoon, 10C." " Good afternoon, Mr. Clarke." "Could you all turn to page 73, please, and read the entire chapter." " What, the whole chapter?" " Yes." "Oh, good." "How exciting!" "He's letting us read the whole chapter!" "Great!" "Well get on with it, then." "Let the headmaster be nice to me for a change." "That is not how Kumbaya goes!" "Neil, so good to see you!" "What you're wearing really does make a great ensemble!" "So similar to what you were wearing before." "Your laissez-faire approach is a great counterpoint to my by-the-book approach!" " Great having you on the staff!" " Thank you." "He must love you a lot to fly across the Atlantic." "But I can't bear losing everything." "Grant sees me as lost property he wants to retrieve, and put on the mantlepiece." "He was really scary." "Crazy." "I had a boyfriend like that once." " He wouldn't take no for an answer." " What happened?" "I married him." "You know the Romance languages?" "French, Italian?" "Yes Miss Pringle." "I teach them." " I was wondering how they got thair names." " It's to do with Ancient Rome." "From the Latin." "Then it's just coincidence they sound so romantic." "Actually, I'm thinking of switching... to economics." "May Miss Pringle worship Ray." "Ray!" "I can do abso-fucking -lutely anything!" "Me: be President of the United States." "That's funny." " Thank god we found you, sir." "We've been looking everywhere!" "Oh my god!" "Sorry about that, Mr. President." "Here are the papers for Syria, the deficit, Israel and the Middle East," "China, global warming, unemployment and the Arctic, sir." "Me: be my old self at home!" "I can do... anything." "But what do I really want?" "Give me a really big dick." "Not that big, obviously!" "Dick, return to the old size." "Okay, um... let me have a penis that women find exciting." "Yes, that's good." "Can I have it in white?" "Right, okay." "Um... let me have a really great body." "No, look." "Give me the body of a great man." "What the frig?" "Not Albert Einstein!" "Let me have the great body of a man." "Make me able to see Catherine from downstairs." "Now." "Shit." "Let me not be able to see her!" "No!" "I don't mean make me go blind!" "Let me able to see, and the floor as it was." "Catherine from downstairs:" "forget what just happened." "Quiet!" "Quietly!" "Um..." "Ray, you know we were talking earlier, about being able to do anything?" "Oh, yeah." " Yeah, well..." "This will sound kind of stupid, but... suddenly I can." " Can what?" " Do anything." "Just make things happen." "Things that shouldn't happen." "I wave my hand, and they do." "Are you okay?" "Yeah." "Look." "You: tell us who you were." "You'll never believe this, but I was a conjurer, The Great Alfredo." "My real name is Reg Hoskins." "I did variety, clubs, private parties, the lot." "What is this, 3D projection or something?" "Of course it's all gone now." "I blame the wogs." " Hey!" " All that black minstrel stuff." " Once they started that..." " It's not me!" "When Jews took over the business, it was never the same." " Go jump out the window!" " Right-ho!" "Watch this." " How did you do that?" " I don't know." "I would swear it was the skeleton talking." " Yeah, it was." " Okay." " Do something else." " What?" "I can't think of anything." "Oh come on!" "You know, how about some..." "flowers?" "A bunch of flowers in my hand." "It's pathetic." "How about... room: be covered in flowers." "Come on, Ray!" "Think of something more imaginative!" "Bloody hell, Palmer, did you throw this out the window?" "Neil, did you throw this out the window?" "That's very funny." "Why are you here?" "Go home, I'll cover for you." "Oh my god!" " This is the best sandwich ever." " Told you." "You know what?" "We could own a racehorse." "Ray, we could own every racehorse in the world." "No shit!" " We win every time?" " They're all ours." "Let's forget about horses." "We can have anything, Neil." "Wealth, fame... women!" "We could make any woman fall in love with us!" "Neil, any woman we want!" "Good night, Catherine." "See you later." "Jump in, babe." "Kerb-crawling is illegal in this country, Grant." "That doesn't apply to people with my security clearance." " Besides, how're you gonna get home?" " On the tube." "Go away." "The London Underground is worse than anything we did in Guantanamo." " You don't deserve that!" " I don't deserve this either!" " Plase leave me alone!" " Okay, I get it!" " But you gotta let me down gently." " What does that mean?" " There's someone else, right?" " No, Grant, that's not it." "You and I are not compatible." "Then we could grab some coffee." "Sit and talk." "What would that achieve?" "There's nothing to talk about!" "Except the luxury apartment I rented for us." "It has a view of St. Paul's cathedral." "My god." "Go home, Grant!" " Here's the key." " I don't want it." "When you get up there, you'll think you died and went to heaven." "Fuck all TV producers!" "Especially those who say you can sleep with them." "By 'playing my cards right'." "Why do I always end up with the control freak?" " Or gays." " Yeah." " Who?" " Him upstairs." "Honey, he's not gay." "He's attractive." "Kind." "Well then... fuck him." " No, he's nice!" " I didn't mean that." "I mean... fuck him." "You mean fuck him!" "What, right now?" "No, not now!" "You have to let me do your makeup first." "Malfunction." "Galactic power failure." "Bother!" "We'll have to suspend the test." " What?" " It's on the blink, Sharon." "We won't have galactic power until I get it working again." "Bother!" "I thought our galactic powers meant we could do anything!" "Catherine from downstairs:" "be madly in love with me." "That was quick!" " Hi." "Hi." " You're not gay, are you?" " No, I'm not." " Let's go to bed." " Okay." "Oh, shit!" "Ow!" "My leg!" "Got it!" "Galactic power returning to the Earthling." "'Gone to get ready for work.'" "Weather: be like it is in Los Angeles." "I didn't mean like it is right now!" "It's night there, for crying out loud!" "Weather: be like it usually is in Los Angeles during the day." "Pedantic!" "Clothes: get dressed on me." "Smarten yourselvs up" "Better." "Miss Pringle, this really has to stop." " Oh, Lord!" " Oh, Lord!" "Okay." "Ow!" "Can you stop that, please?" "And you, stop tapping!" "Let's have a break, shall we?" "Right, what's next?" "Oh." "This one's in German." "Let me understand German. [Speaks German.]" "What are you talking about, Dennis?" "Just shut up, okay?" "I can handle this." "She won't ask me to marry her, or have my children, okay?" "Dennis, what are you talking about?" "Good idea, actually." "What ARE you talking about?" "Dennis: be able to talk." "Biscuits." " What?" " Biscuits!" "Maybe if I make her fall in love with me a little bit?" " Not want to get married, just to have sex" " Biscuits!" " They're in the cupboard!" " What are?" "Biscuits!" "Red biscuits, black biscuits..." " ...nothing else matters!" " Is that all you think about?" "Yes!" "Biscuits!" "All right." "Dennis: become a rational thinking creature." "Look, I can't concentrate until I have one of those biscuits." "It's crazy, but that's how it is." "I guess I'm hooked." "So give me just one, and I'll be able to think about something else." "Makes sense." "He's getting the biscuits!" "Yeah!" "He's got them!" "He's got them!" "Get ready, get ready!" "Here it comes!" "It must be terrible, being a dog." " I didn't know you had such cravings." " It's like you and that bitch." " What Bitch?" " The bitch you shagged last night!" "My god!" "She's not a bitch, okay?" "She's a lovely human female." " And we weren't just shagging." " Right." "Come to think of it," "I wouldn't mind shagging your leg right now." "Just above the sock." "Come on, Daddy." "I thought I'd made you into a rational thinking creature." "Rational thinking creatures still have desires." "Well we'll soon deal with that!" "No, don't take away my desires!" "Why not?" "They're what makes my life worth living." "Biscuits and shagging." "I don't like your conversation." "But I worship you, Master!" "I love you so much." " I can't bear displeasing you." " I know." "My world collapses when you're cross with me." "Maybe it was better when you didn't talk." "No, don't take away my power of speech, not now that" "I can think rationally!" "It would be so cruel!" "I heard the bell!" "Someone's at the door!" " The bell again!" " Dennis, good dog." " There's somebody!" "Hey!" " Quiet." "There's somebdy at the door!" "Did I do something wrong again?" "No, just be quiet!" "Do you understand me?" "Yes." "Anything to stop you being angry with me." "The bell!" "There it goes again!" "Dennis, listen." "Listen, listen." "Be quiet." " That is an order." " Right." " Quiet." " I like obeying orders, especially yours." "Good." "Well then shut the fuck up." "Right." "I'll shut up." "Good boy." "God!" "I made her do it!" "I made her do it." "I did." " Hi." " Hey." " Can I come in?" " Yes, yes, yes, of course." " Look, about last night..." " Yes." " Is this a bad time?" " No, nope." "I don't want you to think I do that sort of thing all the time." "Because I don't." " I was slightly drunk." " Yeah, well, I mean naturally." "Otherwise, we probably wouldn't have done that thing with the" "No, that's not what I mean." "I mean, I like you." "I've always really enjoyed talking to you." "But I probably wouldn't have jumped on you like that" " if I hadn't..." " Been pissed as a newt." "Well sort of." "Okay,so let's forget it." "It never happened." "No, that's not what I meant, Neil." "Well what did you want, then?" "Shag her, Neil!" "That's Dennis." " Dennis?" " Yeah." "He's a plumber." "I'm having problems with my waterworks." " With the pipes." " Shag her, Neil!" "I'd better get him the shagger." "It's a special wrench plumbers use." " I told you to shut up." " I'm sorry." "I'm really sorry." "You're supposed to be a rational thinking creature." "Sorry, I can't help myself." "I want to shag your leg." "It's not a great time." "Maybe later, if you behave." "Couldn't find the shagger, so we went with the decoupler." " I love you, Neil!" " Shut up, Dennis!" "It's odd, isn't it." "Shouting at a plumber like that." "But the fact is, he's my brother." "The plumber's my brother." "Say you love me, Neil!" " And we're very close." " God, Rosie was right." " Rosie?" " Please can I shag your leg?" "Jesus, Neil, how could you?" "The next morning!" "Why do I always end up with creeps?" " I'm not a creep!" " There's a cat, Neil!" "You!" "Hey you, cat!" "Get out of my garden!" "Neil, it's a ginger tom!" "Dennis, be a dumb animal again for five minutes!" "So she thinks I'm gay." "I mean, so what, you know?" "It means she won't want to marry me or have my kids." "Bingo." "Problem solved." "Thank you, Dennis." "Catherine!" "Catherine!" "Me: be on the bus." "I didn't mean ON the bus, I meant IN the bus!" "Not in the engine!" "In the passenger section!" "Catherine!" "Catherine!" " Ray?" " You gotta stop Miss Pringle!" "She's set up shrines all over the school." "Even a website!" " You wanted her to worship you!" " Not like this!" " I don't have time for this." " Wait!" "Have you lost your powers?" "No, I haven't." " You have!" " I haven't lost the power!" " Do the thing." " Ray: be a duck!" "Ray, stop it!" "Stop it!" "Ray: become a sausage." "I haven't lost the powers, okay?" "Where is he, Neil?" "Oh, that's his car!" " Behold the car of Ray!" " The car of Ray!" "Catherine, can we talk?" " No." " But I love you." "You also love Dennis." " Did you take that off there?" " No, this is mine." " Yours?" " Yep." " Look, you've got it all wrong about Dennis." " I have nothing against him." "You loves him, he loves you." "I'm happy for you." "Just don't bring me into it." "I have to tell you something about Dennis." "You have to pay for that." "You touched it." " It's mine!" " No, it isn't." "I heard what you said to each other, Neil." "There's something about Dennis you need to know." " I don't want to hear it, Neil." " I'm just saying he's not a man!" "You pervert!" "You come in here and steal our stuff!" "I told you, that's not your sausage!" " It's mine!" " Let go!" " Give me 80p!" " All right!" " I'll get your change." " Never mind!" " No, it's 4 pounds 20." " Keep it!" " It's too much for a tip." " Have it your way." "I should think so, too." "Sausage: become Ray." "Jesus!" "Have you any idea how vulnerable a sausage feels?" "There he is!" "I'm off!" "Leave me alone!" "There you go." "You must have been hungry." "It's clear he has no idea of doing any good whatsoever." "Why can't we just get on with the... destruction?" "Because there are rules, Maureen." "We must follow galactic procedure." "Rules didn't stop you eating the inhabitants of G4378, Janet." "They were delicious." "Very crunchy, as I recall." " Surprise!" " Oh my god!" "No!" "Wait!" "Hey!" "You're crazy, do you know that?" " Crazy in love, darlin'." " Get out of my flat, Grant!" " I can't, you locked the door." " Go out the way you got in." "Oh honey, come on now." "That ain't nice!" "Get out, Grant!" "I never want to see you again!" "Get out of my life!" "Get out!" "Come on now, open the door!" "Sorry." "Sorry about the noise." "At least he wasn't barking!" "Fuck off." "Not you." "Go out and sneak in the back way to my place." "No funny business." "Just stay out of his way." "I'll make you dinner." "I hate doors!" "Okay, but invite Dennis." "Let's behave like grownups." " Okay." " Catherine, come back." " I'm leaving!" " Okay, I'm coming!" "Wait for me!" "She's coming for dinner!" "Hey!" "This is about the stars!" "She's coming to dinner!" "Who?" " Catherine." " Oh, the bitch." "Don't call her that, okay?" "I don't want you chipping in either." " Just pretend to be a dumb animal again." " Me?" "A dumb animal?" "You know how to pretend." "It's called acting." "Like when I'm having my tummy tickled?" " You love having your tummy tickled!" " No I don't." " What?" " It's a sham, Neil." "All dogs do it." "Why?" "Why do humans like tickling dogs' tummies?" "Because dogs love it." "Dogs pretend to like it, because they know humans like doing it." "Well, just pretend to be a perfectly ordinary dog." "Can I join in the conversation just a little bit?" "No." "That is so cruel!" "Someone at the door!" "Hey!" "It's the bell!" "It's the bell!" " I know it's the bell, Dennis!" " Right." "No." "Sorry." "One more peep and the flea collar is going on again." "Right, right." "Sorry, sorry." "Bark." "Woof." "Do it properly." "Yes, good." "Thank you." "I'll get it." " Is he gone?" " No, I don't think so." "Dennis, down!" " Named him after the plumber?" " Uh, yeah." "You want your tummy tickled?" "Why do dogs like that so much?" "I don't..." "The producer promised me a new office with a big desk and a view, but he was just trying to get me into bed." "What did you want to tell me?" "Just try this first." "It's incredible!" "It's the most wonderful thing I've ever tasted in my life!" "I had no idea you were such a fantastic cook!" "It's unlike anything I've ever tasted." "What is it?" "I just said, "Let the soup be the most amazing thing Catherine's ever tasted, unlike anything she's tasted before", and... it is!" " Really?" " Really." "I can make things happen." "Anything." "It's what I was trying to tell you this morning." "I wasn't talking to live-in gay plumber, I was talkin to Dennis." " The dog?" " Dennis the dog." "But he answered you back." "Yeah." "Because I made him talk." " Oh." " With my powers." "Special powers." "You want a bigger desk?" "You got it." "Want a great view?" "You got it." "Neil, how long have you had these special powers?" " They came on very suddenly." " Suddenly?" "Yeah, I was knocked off my bike." "Ask me to do something." "Anything." "Listen Neil, it's okay," " you can get help." " Son of a bitch!" " Shit!" "Grant!" " I'm outta here!" "There's no one else, huh?" " Who is this guy?" " She didn't tell you?" " I'm her fiance." " You're not my fiance, Grant." "Yeah?" "And you weren't making out with this apology of a man?" "Stop this!" "You know how long you'd last on a battlefield, soldier?" " I'm sorry, Neil." " That long." " I'm warning you." " You're warning me?" " Yes, I'm warning you." " Ha!" "Who is this guy?" " Suck on this, asshole!" " Grant!" "All I have to do is go like this, and say... what?" " Where did you find this fruitcake?" " Put that away, Grant." "What can I say?" "Grant: become a fairy?" "It's Grant, not Graahnt." " Stop it!" " You're the goddam fairy!" "How about:" "Graahnt, go back to where you came from?" " It's Grant!" " How about kiss my arse, Graahnt?" "Neil, don't." "He's crazy." "How about saying, "Please, Grant, don't put a bullet through my brain?"" "Grant, stop it." "I prefer, "Let all bullets bounce off me." Go on, shoot me." "My god, you're both crazy!" " He doesn't dare!" " Neil, please." "Please!" "Come on, pull the trigger." "What's the matter, Grant?" " Shut up!" " Go on, shoot me!" " Neil, he will!" " No he won't." " Yes I will." " No, you won't!" "Grant, drop the gun." "You shit-head!" " You're idiots, both of you." " I wouldn't do this if I were you." "God, I hate the English!" "Let Graahnt's arm break if he tries to throttle me!" "Shut up!" "It's Grant!" " Help!" "Help!" "Help!" " Who the heck was that?" "That's Dennis." "It's just a dog!" "English dick!" " Shit!" "Shit!" "What happened?" " Want me to make it better?" " It hurts!" " Let Grant's arm be better." " Hey, what is this?" " Let Grant be stuck on the ceiling." " Shit!" " Let Grant be plastered to the wall." "Wait!" "Wait!" "Let's talk about this!" "Let Grant be buried head first in the plant plot." "Let Grant be standing in front of me." "You want to be nice to me, Grant." "Maybe I can help you." "You?" "I could make your life absolute hell, or I could say," ""Grant be holding a million dollars."" "Or I can say: "Million dollars: disappear."" "Oh come on!" "I can do anything." "I just have to wave my hand." " You gotta wave your hand?" " That's right." "Isn't he great?" "I love you!" "I love you so much." " Dennis, keep out of this." " But you are great, Neil." " You can do anything." " Dennis, shut up." "Master!" "Neil!" "Hi." "Made your mind up yet?" " How about tonight?" " Good girl." " Eight o'clock, my place." " I always pick the wrong guy anyway." "Oh, and..." "I got you a new desk." "It's abut time." "Now listen up." "When I take that gag out, you say exactly what's on that piece of paper, understand?" "If you say a word that's not on that piece of paper, I'll kill the dog." " Don't let him shoot me, Neil." " Do you understand?" "Nod if you understand." "Okay, I'm gonna take the gag out now." "Remember!" "One wrong word, and the dog gets it." "Okay, read!" " Item number 1." " Let's go." " Come on!" " 'All pasty white Englishmen..." "All pasty white Englishmen to get... big ears and webbed feet'?" "Now wave your hand." " What?" " Wave your hand!" "Yes!" "Beautiful." "Neil!" "Neil!" "Neil?" "Neil?" " You don't worship me, do you?" " What?" "Ray." "You're Ray." " I can't find Neil." " Is he here?" "No, he wasn't in school, either." "I left him with my crazy, gun-toting ex-boyfriend." " Neil has powers." " I know, I know." "He made Miss Pringle worship me, and it's turned into a religion." " They think I'm immortal." " So what?" "They want me to prove it, by rising from the dead." "We've got to find Neil." "Wait!" "Hey, what are you doing?" "No..." "Got it!" " Where's your car?" " Why?" "I know where they are." "It's just out here." "We can..." " Shit." " Lord!" "Oh, no." "Run for it!" "Get him!" "Lord!" "Yeah!" "This is working beautifully!" "Okay, keep going." "Number three." "Okay." ""Three: all British police to have pink uniforms."" "Ha ha!" "My personal favorite!" "Come to us!" "Ray!" "Ray!" "What's this all about?" "There he is!" "Beautiful!" "I can't believe it!" "All right, next one." "Go on, read." ""Let all traffic lights be permanently... green!" "?"" "Come on, that's just- Hey, hey." "Hey." "Huh?" "Do it!" "Wait." "Now listen." "Grant, are you in there?" "Skip to the end." "Hurry up!" "Just skip to the end!" "Skip to the end." "There." "Quick!" " Read it!" " Okay, okay." "Uh..." " "Item 417:" "Catherine West..."" " Come on!" "All right!" "Let him go, Grant!" "Why should I?" "Go on, Neil." "Read the last item." ""Item 417:" "Catherine West be madly in love with Colonel Grant..."" ""and leap on him, like a tigress begging for sex."" "You bastard!" "Now wave your hand." "Come on!" " Neil, don't!" " Or the dog gets it!" " Don't let him shoot me, Neil!" " Wave your goddam hand!" "I don't want to love him, Neil!" "I don't want to be NEAR him!" "I don't wanna die!" "Grant." "I love you." "Please, let's have sex now!" " Dennis: be free!" " I'm free, I'm free!" "Please." " Grant, become a Corgi!" " Oh shit." "Do me." "Do me, Grant." "Me: be free." "Yes!" "Yes!" "Master, you chose to save me instead of that bitch!" "Yeah, don't call her that." "Let Catherine be her normal self and not in love with Grant." "And all Grant's wishes be cancelled." " Ray!" " Shit, no." "Get off me!" " Lord, show us how to conquer death!" "Dorothy Pringle: think about Ray as you used to!" " What the hell, Ray?" " Nothing to do with me!" "Get lost, you creep!" "Everyone else:" "forget about Ray!" "Thanks, Neil." "Thanks a whole bunch!" " Ray, can you take me home?" " Sure." "I'm..." "I'm sorry." "Any thoughts?" "Pathetic!" "He has no concept of good or evil." "Well the dogs seem alright." "Yes, it's the people I can't stand." "Oh, hey." "Catherine, hi." "Sorry about the other night." "It was..." " ...can I cook you supper?" " No thanks, Neil." " I'm doing a suckling pig." " No." "What's the matter?" "Is it because I made you" " throw yourself at Grant?" " No." "You did what you had to do." "It worked." "Forgotten." "So what is it?" "Do you know what it's like to be in someone else's power?" "To have no free will?" "I thought I made you love me." " What?" " Yeah, with my powers." "Oh my god." "Did you make me come home early?" "Have I always lived opposite you, or did you rearrange things?" " I'll never know." " I love you." "How can any woman love a man who can make her do whatever he wants, any second, every day, forever?" "Sorry, Neil, I could never love you." "Not in a million years." "Catherine!" "Sharon, terrible news!" "This is indeed grave news." "It seems the salubrious Gat has been interfering with our translation devices." "What's he done, Sharon?" "I'm afraid, Janet, we've been calling ourselves by foolish Earthling names." "Female ones, at that." "It seems 'Sharon' is particularly favoured by female Earthlings from..." "Australia." " The shame of it!" " Sharon... what should we be calling you?" "Call me the death-dealing darkness bringer!" "Yes, O death dealer!" " Great waffles, master." " Who cares about waffles?" "Catherine hates me!" "Ray hates me!" "Everybody hates me!" "I don't hate you." "And I care about waffles." "I like them even more than biscuits." "Even red biscuits!" "You know the worst thing, Dennis?" "It's all my fault." "I was just thinking about myself." "What I could get." "With these powers I could have solved every problem in the world." " I could have made people happy." " Not Catherine." "I wanted her to love me." "I was being selfish." "Take world hunger, you know?" "Let everyone in the world have all the food they want." "Take homelessness." "Let everyone in the world have a place to live." "No, live in their dream house." "And war." "Senseless war." "Over, for ever." "Let there be no reason for anyone to make war anymore." "Oh, and reverse global warming." "Has it happened?" "The latest nation to succumb to the sudden, mysterious exponential growth in the world's food supplies is China, where the average weight is now 300 lbs and rising." "While today, a party of picnicking schoolchildren brought down a mile-long section of the Great Wall of China." "As homelessness becomes a thing of the past, the last undeveloped area of the Sahara Desert has become a gated community called Beau Geste Towers." "Propery developers are now converging on Antarctica." "At least I got rid of war." "This was a good one: "Let there be no good reason to make war on anyone anymore." How could that go wrong?" "For no reason at all, New Zealand has declared war on Iceland." "Barbados has declared war on Somalia." "And in a surprise move the tiny island of Saint Kitts and Nevis has declared war on the entire rest of the world." "Our war correspondent says he's unavailable for comment because he's too busy covering all the other wars that have just broken out for no reason at all." "Recently, scientists feared constantly rising global temperatures." " None of them can explain..." "My god!" " Global warming!" " Not only a return to the last ice age, but to a snowball Earth from half a billion years ago." "On the other hand, plans to turn the Antarctic into the Captain Scott gated community" " have been put on hold." " Shit, shit, shit!" "It's not that easy trying to do good, is it." "Yeah, but this is just unfair." "Let everything go back to how it was before I tried to make everything better for everyone." "Beautiful though the earth looks from space, we all know how fragile it is; how much damage humans have done, and will, it seems, continue to do." "Absolute power doesn't corrupt, it drives you bloody mad!" "Tell Catherine I love her." "Don't do it, master." "I love you!" "I've made arrangements for your biscuits." "You'll never have to worry about them again!" " You are the kindest master." " Shush, okay?" "I can't concentrate." "Master, don't you love me?" "I can't stand it, Dennis." "I can't stand the responsibility." "Get that into your stupid dog brain!" "I'll save you, master!" "Here I come!" "Oh, wait a second." "I can't swim." "Master, help!" "Help!" "There you are." "Thank you master." " You do love me, master." " Of course I love you, Dennis." "I just don't love myself." "Time's up." "Prime the destruction generator!" "Hang on, we need to see if he passed the test." "He started all those wars." " That was good." " But then he stopped them." "But why?" "He said he was trying to make things better for people." "That's very appalling!" "The only good is to destroy." "The only evil is weakness." "Weakness must be annihalated!" "Agreed." "Vaporize the Earthling and his wretched planet." "I told you so." "Re-prime the destruction generator." "Try again, Neil." "Go on." "She won't have me." " So give up the powers." " I can't!" "Then give them to me!" "You won't have them, but you'll know where they are." "And being a dog, all I want is to follow orders." "I'll do what you tell me to." " Dennis, you're a genius!" " Not bad, huh?" "Destruction generator charged, O death-dealing darkness bringer." "[Alien language.]" "Commencing destruction." "[Alien language.]" "It is a curse our numbers take so long to pronounce." "Just wave your hand, like that." "I'm feeling it." "Wow!" "Yeah, there you go." "What will it be?" "Biscuits?" " But the power made you unhappy." " I don't have it anymore." "Look." "Tree: become Eiffel Tower." "See?" "What are you thinking, Dennis?" "[Alien language.]" " Forgive me, master." " What are you going to do?" "That's the only short number." "Let the source of the power be destroyed." "Forever." "[Alien language.]" "Let all this marking be finished and neatly stacked." "Fiona Blackwell, go away." "Fiona!" "Lovely to see you!" "Great news, I got my sight back!" "Hey, I think I hear Catherine." " Catherine!" " Hi." "Let the letters become cucumbers." "Let us be on the prow of the Titanic." "I got rid of the powers." "I'm impressed." "I thought maybe we could have some dinner sometime." "Yeah, maybe." "What about tonight?" "I'll be down in half an hour." "We're going out to dinner!" "I'll bring back a doggie bag." "I'd better keep my mouth shut." " Change me back, Den." " I can't." "I like you as you are." " Those stubby legs." "Look at you." " I'm not a dog, I'm a man!" "Hey, nobody's perfect." "This is chewing a biscuit, boss." "I'll try to give you that now." "Hold on one second." "Red biscuit." "Great." "No!" "No!" " Got it." " Licking." "Licking somebody." "This is like porn." "Now a shagging noise." "Look, there's the red bit." " I'm done." " Okay, that's good." "That's enough chewing biscuits for now."