"( laughing )" "Come on, let's go." "Ah, I could have sworn you had me beat, Schultz." "You played like a master, right up to the end." "Such bad luck!" "I do not understand it." "And you practically promised me that I'm going to win." "Well, maybe better luck this time, Schultzie." "No, no, no, no." "If Commandant Klink catches me, he will send me to the front." "Oh, how stupid of me, just to lose a month's salary." "Well, have it your way, Schultz." "You may be walking away from a winner." "I am walking." "( moans )" "( sighs )" "Anyone open?" "I'm in for five." "While I am temporarily out of funds," "I am sure that, uh, my integrity..." "Uh-uh-uh-uh, Schultz." "Cash game only." "Sorry." "Wait a minute, Colonel Hogan." "You used to pay me for certain informations." "No, Schultz, I wouldn't want you to be a traitor." "Ah, you're too fine for that." "Much too fine." "A lovely person." "Oh, I'm no better than anyone else." "Well, if you put it that way, Schultz... ( in hushed tones ):" "A small bridge was blown up five miles from here last night." "Oh, blimey." "Come on, Schultz." "You can do better than that." "We're gypped." "Hey, that's not worth five dollars." "( indistinct shouting )" "Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait a minute." "He's in." "But you'll have to come up with better than that, Schultz, if anybody raises." "All right." "Cards?" "Three." "Three for the Colonel." "Schultzie?" "None." "Oh!" "I'll take two." "NEWKIRK:" "Carter?" "One." "One, and three for the dealer." "It's up to you." "Hmm." "Ten dollars, huh?" "On what?" "You could buy the whole bleeding bridge for less than that." "Forget it!" "Wait a minute, wait a minute." "Wait a minute." "Give him a chance." "We have here a man who wants to betray his country." "Let's give him a chance." "Thank you." "What's the information?" "The night before, two miles from the bridge, a barn was set on fire." "A barn?" "The Commandant thinks an underground band is working around here." "Ten dollars?" "Ten dollars." "What have you got, Schultz?" "A beautiful full house!" "Aw, wouldn't you know?" "I draw two more kings." "That makes four of a kind." "( incoherent bellowing )" "You're a bad poker player, but a wonderful traitor." "Don't you post sentries?" "Don't go for the rifles." "It would be most impractical." "Just a moment." "Uh, we may be on the same side." "You are American and French?" "I don't know whether we want to be on the same side." "No sentries... a lantern you could see a mile away... your guns out of reach." "We are very young in the underground, Monsieur." "Well, you're not going to get very old in it, the way you're going." "Sit down." "You, uh, look out." "But she's French!" "And I'm American." "Look out." "Yes, sir." "There are only two of you?" "We have more." "Unfortunately, we are only four." "But if you are also operating as an underground, perhaps we could work together." "Possible." "Three nights ago, we burned up a barn." "Two nights ago, we blew up a bridge." "That's too much risk for too little." "But we are too few to do more." "How many men do you have?" "Look, the less you know about me and the less I know about you is that much less the Gestapo can find out, in case any of us are captured." "Yes, of course." "I see that." "If I could find you, so can they." "Yes, this is what we have needed-- someone to lead us." "We will learn from you, my friend." "Sir, planes." "American bombers, I think." "There's a railroad near here." "They're probably after it." "Douse that fire, and put out the light." "( plane engines humming )" "( explosions )" "It's coming closer." "We'll have a better chance outside." "Come on." "( sighs )" "It's pretty dark when you're flying up there." "You're a flyer?" "Mm-hmm." "Would you rather be up there with them?" "Not at the moment." "I must be peculiar." "There are many things I like about the war." "Oh, not the killing, no." "But..." "when one understands that in war there is so little time, then one can use that time." "You know?" "I think I do." "( sighs )" "One can even use the moment when... when bombs are falling." "Especially when bombs are falling." "I can say that I like your arm around me." "I can say you are a very attractive man." "You know, tomorrow, the Germans may shoot us." "Or our friends up there may kill us by accident." "But what's left of tonight-- or tomorrow-- one can use." "One can live." "Is that a terrible thing to say?" "No." "It's a beautiful thing to say." "Sir, they have gone on toward the railroad." "Sir?" "Here!" "A munitions train exploded!" "Here!" "A Tiger tank was stolen." "And here, a whole ammunition dump was blown up!" "Do you see that, Klink?" "Yes, I see it." "I see it." "Every X an unsolved act of sabotage in the last six months." "That is disgraceful, absolutely disgraceful." "All in a circle around this area." "And what is in the center of that circle, Klink?" "Well, now..." "( chuckles ) ...it, uh looks like Stalag 13." "It is Stalag 13." "Now, certainly the Gestapo does not think that there is any connection...?" "The Gestapo thinks, Colonel Klink... that if you were awake instead of asleep, you would have caught those responsible." "But my duties here are in making Stalag 13 an unbreakable band of steel." "Well, of course, the best officers are at the front." "That was very well put." "Except... for those of us entrusted with security." "I took one look at this map, and I knew that a powerful band of partisans were operating in this area." "Now, how best to find them?" "By posing as another band." "Don't tell me you've found them already?" "In less than a week." "Contact was made last night." "KLINK:" "And they did not suspect anyone?" "OFFICER:" "Absolutely nothing." "Tough luck, mon colonel." "The whole set-up was a phony." "I should have known it." "But you didn't tell them anything, Colonel." "What harm is it?" "Nothing I won't get over." "KLINK:" "A brilliant operation." "Now, how do you intend to capture them?" "I will lead the entire band into a trap." "You will be waiting with your guards." "But, uh... ( chuckles )" "Captain, my men are not trained for this." "You said yourself, the best men are at the front." "I-I have the dregs here, nothing but dregs." "We will make do." "Tonight, the leader of the partisans will suggest to me a joint mission, and I know exactly what that mission will be." "KLINK:" "How do you know?" "Take a look at the map, Klink." "The only strategic target in the area they have not hit." "Not Stalag 13!" "No, not Stalag 13!" "The railroad tunnel!" "We will trap them in there like flies in a bottle." "How come we never blew up that tunnel before?" "Just never got around to it, Colonel." "Well, we're going to do it now." "They're going to do it now." "The Gestapo?" "Don't you just know it!" "That is the target?" "That's right-- Stalag 13." "But-but I..." "I thought that possibly the railroad tunnel north of here..." "Small potatoes." "Just think of hundreds of POW's scattered across Germany." "It would take a division to round 'em up." "Yes, that is correct." "But... how would you free so many?" "Dynamite." "Dynamite the guard towers, dynamite the fences." "Dynamite!" "But where would you get it?" "That's your part of the operation." "We'll supply the men." "You supply the explosives." "All right?" "Well, meet here tomorrow night." "Just a moment!" "You cannot leave like this." "We must... we must make plans." "We must exchange information." "We must... we must make plans." "I've made my plans." "You just come up with the stuff." "Please?" "Ah, oui." "Lookout." "You were going off?" "Just like that?" "You are very busy tonight." "It's a busy war." "I have changed my mind." "I do not like war." "This operation-- you are going on with them?" "We're all going on it." "But do you think you know them well enough?" "After it's over, we'll all know each other better." "You know, I've been thinking." "Why couldn't we run away?" "We could get out of Germany." "It could be just the two of us." "We could be free." "Was last night... all on my part... not on yours?" "In war, you survive by not getting involved." "Not getting too close." "Works better that way." "I see." "It's hard." "You meet someone, and she is on the other side." "I'm going to ask Klink for a furlough." "I need it." "I really need it." "( screams )" "Jawohl, Herr Kapitan." "Get a detail." "You will fill this requisition." "I will be with Commandant Klink." "It will be done, Herr Kapi..." "It will be done, Herr Kapitan!" "Colonel Hogan, Colonel Hogan!" "HOGAN:" "Coming, Schultz." "Colonel Hogan, a prisoner detail." "Colonel Hogan, you have to get a prisoner detail to load 12 cases of dynamite on the truck right away." "Colonel Hogan, you wish to load it yourself, huh?" "We'll run into somebody, Schultz." "Wha-Wha-Wha-Wha-What's this?" "Would you believe it, Schultz?" "We found out all the dynamite in here was absolutely worthless!" "Here, let me show you." "No, please!" "Worthless?" "Mm-hmm." "So we figured we'd replace it with some of the good stuff from down below." "I mean, after all," "Klink's been like a father to us, you know." "The least we could do is..." "Please, Colonel Hogan." "This is a matter for the Gestapo." "I have to report it." "On some occasion, I look the other way, because in war, I do not want to take sides, but this I must report." "I agree with you, Schultz." "You do?" "Why?" "A matter of honor." "I also think we should make a clean breast of the poker game, too." "The po-po-po... poker game?" "After all, to ask a man to betray his country..." "I want to get that off my chest." "Colonel Hogan, I see nothing." "They are attacking Stalag 13 tonight?" "Hello." "What are you doing?" "I'm calling Berlin for troops." "Pull yourself together, Klink." "Berlin cannot spare troops." "They will not be needed." "But I thought the railroad tunnel, uh... flies in the bottle?" "That was changed." "Your men will shoot them down when they're trying to dynamite the guard towers." "Dynamite the guard towers?" "It is not real dynamite." "Oh, yes, of course." "Uh, we arranged for that." "We arranged." "It is being loaded on my truck now!" "Aha." "Wait." "How many men do they have?" "From what direction are they attacking?" "At what time?" "Klink... when I find out," "I will tell you on this." "Aha, the radio." "You will have it manned at all times." "At all times, sir." "And remember, Klink... the Gestapo does not want a single man to escape this trap." "I shall accept the responsibility, Captain." "Good." "Uh, Captain... they could perhaps spare a battalion?" "I must protest, Colonel Klink, the use of prisoners of war to load munitions." "That's a direct violation of the Geneva convention." "Mm-hmm." "Anyone blown up?" "No thanks to that vicious Sergeant Schultz, and furthermore..." "Furthermore, I am glad you are here." "By my orders, all prisoners are confined to the barracks tonight, and anyone caught in the compound will be shot." "Something big in the wind?" "I cannot discuss it." "Shortwave set." "Hey, you're setting up a command post here, huh?" "A command post." "I suppose it is a field commander's duty to stay a bit behind the firing line." "From that window there, you get a perfect view of the entire operation, whatever that is." "Yes." "This shall be my command post." "Colonel Hogan." "Hmm?" "Tonight, you're going to see that I'm more than just a desk officer." "Tonight, you're going to see the other side of Klink." "Well, I'm sorry, sir, I'll-I'll be confined to barracks." "I give you permission to peek." "No, thanks." "I can't stand the sight of blood." "Yes, we are ready." "The rest of your men are outside?" "This is it." "( laughs ):" "This is it?" "You propose to attack Stalag 13 with three men?" "Yeah, we've been thinking about that." "You were right." "Let's blow up the tunnel." "You cannot do that!" "Why not?" "You got the dynamite, didn't you?" "Well, of course, but..." "Tell me something." "Did you do all this sabotage with three men?" "We take vitamins." "Let's go." "No, I, uh..." "I will join you outside." "I, uh, will meet you at the truck." "I have to check my ammunition." "I have just the man for that." "He's in charge of ammunition and demolition." "Glad to do it." "Yeah, glad to." "No, I have to..." "I have to do it myself." "A soldier's superstition." "I will meet you at the truck." "Have it your way." "All right, I want you in the tunnel with these two, plant the dynamite." "And me?" "In the tunnel." "But, sir, you can't let her..." "In the tunnel." "Kommandant Klink." "Kommandant Klink!" "Jawohl, Herr Kapitan, jawohl." "He wants troops to surround our men in the tunnel." "You think I should send him any?" "Well, at least you could promise, Kinch." "I mean, how much could that cost?" "I shall send 50 men with myself leading them." "We shall catch them like flies in a bottle." "You sounded like Klink's own brother." "You're not related, are you?" "I'll have to ask him." "One, two, three, one, two, three." "One, two, three..." "one, two, three." "One, two, three..." "Herr Kommandant!" "I've found the trouble." "The wires are cut." "That's good news?" "It means they're already inside the camp." "Shall I alert the troops, Herr Kommandant?" "Yes, Schultz, alert the troops." "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant." "Wait, I'll come with you." "This should just about do it, boys." "There's enough stuff in here to bring down this whole mountain." "Of course..." "the whole mountain." "Hey, hon!" "The job should be done by now." "Yes, the whole job." "Any minute now." "Get away!" "Get away, please!" "Get away!" "Don't you understand?" "He's a Gestapo officer!" "It is already too late." "Colonel Klink and his troops from Stalag 13 are surrounding us now." "You mean we're not going to blow up the tunnel?" "The dynamite is fake." "Would you like me to demonstrate?" "What happened?" "I think what happened is you pushed that little thing down." "Too bad those other fellows wanted to wait in the tunnel." "At least that should attract Klink's attention, shouldn't it?" "You have tricked me!" "Klink is not coming!" "Could've told you he was unreliable if you'd asked me." "Do not make a move toward me." "Wouldn't dream of it." "Try a little choke." "( engine revs )" "Can't you stop him?" "All of my family's in France." "If he tells the Gestapo" "I betrayed him, they're..." "they're going to..." "Don't worry about it, honey." "I don't think he's going to say a word to anybody." "Schultz!" "( shouts )" "I can't understand it." "Where are they?" "They couldn't have dropped them by parachute?" "Herr Kommandant, the ground is very hard." "I shoot much better standing up... which isn't so good, either." "Schultz, stay down, stay down." "We must be ready." "We must be... ( engine humming at a distance ) What's that?" "It sounds like a truck... or a tank." "A tank?" "They're attacking in tanks." "Fire, Schultz." "Commence firing!" "Are they still attacking?" "( brakes screeching )" "It looks like one is attacking, Herr Kommandant." "One?" "Who is it?" "It is..." "It was the Gestapo captain." "What?" "Why should the Gestapo captain want to attack us?" "We'll get you out of Germany." "We have sort of a transportation corps." "You will come, too?" "After the war." "After the war." "I do not like war." "No." "You, uh, heard what happened last night, Colonel Hogan?" "Something happened?" "I slept like a baby." "Last night, not five miles from here, a railroad tunnel was blown up." "A railroad tunnel?" "Yes." "Now, were not all prisoners confined to the barracks last night," "I might suspect you of complicity." "How utterly unfair." "However... in a more or less related incident, a Gestapo captain who was trying to..." "How sad." "What's so sad?" "That he was shot by the saboteurs while trying to escape." "That's what you were trying to tell me?" "No!" "Yes!" "He was shot by the saboteurs." "My official report to Berlin." "Thank you, Colonel Hogan, you may go." "Was he a nice fellow?" "What, the Gestapo man?" "What difference does it make?" "None... just they need nice fellows... you know?" ""(End of Episode)""