"J' nostalgic Christmas music J'" "[Ray Horner on radio] Ah, doesn't that take you back." "Well the weird weather continues." "No snow this Christmas." "Now that': a first." "But in exchange, we can expect some chilly, gusty winds." "How about 60 MPH folks." "What's going on here?" "Those heading out for the long three-day weekend, you'll want to steer clear of the downtown corridor." "We've got toilets tying up traffic." "It's a strange new world, Akron." "Hey, this is Ray Horner,WAKR." "[radio station jingle] J WAKR J" "Come on!" "[cell phone rings]" "Not now Lu!" "[car horns]" "God!" "A little help here please!" "[worker laughs] [worker] Easy!" "[cable shredding]" "[cable shredding]" "[cable snaps] [impact and splash]" "[cell phone rings]" "Martin Taylor." "[Martin] Oh, hi Paula." "Could you tell him I'm gonna be a few minutes late?" "No, no, I know he's a big baby, but he's also the cow that keeps our cash clock ticking." "Alright, we lose him and we all go back to living in the dorms." "Alright." "No, no, no, I'm fine." "Everything': great." "Thanks for asking." "Uh-huh." "Just keep him there because he's go to sign those tax returns today." "Uh-huh." "[Martin] Okay." "ByE-bye." "J' Christmas music J'" "[Martin] Merry Christmas." "Finally!" "I was like this close to giving him a foot rub." "Also, your brother called like ten times!" "What are you wearing?" "Christmas gift." "He made me wear it." "You don't have to wear that." "What did my brother want?" "He wouldn't say." "He was talking so fast." "Something about the end is near, or beer, or here." "The end is beer!" "Could that be it?" "No, no, no." "It's Armageddon again." "Perfect." "Go be with your family." "Enjoy your children while you still have the write off." "Merry Christmas." "Donald!" "[Martin] I am so sorry!" "Christmas time is Muffin time." "Why am I here waiting for you?" "!" "Yes, and I am very sorry." "I got here as soon as I could.Trust me." "Muffins are what pays your bills." "Trust that!" "Yes." "Wow." "Bran New, that's what I'm calling them." "Bran New." "Get it?" "Because it's bran and..." "New!" "Okay, I got this, clever!" "And they got icing on the top and little cherries." "Um-hmm." "Bran muffin with icing." "Ain't nobody doing that besides the Muffin King." "Boom!" "Boom!" "This thing weighs a ton!" "Those are your taxes!" "How come you always trying to bring me down man?" "This is more like War and Peace!" "No, War and Peace had a happy ending." "Donald, if there were another write off that I could find for you, trust me," "I would tear apart my whole house to find it for you!" "You mean the crib that you just gave a makeover to with the cheddar you cutting off of me?" "I don't, I don't..." "[Martin's cell phone begins to ring] [Donald] No more taxes!" "[Martin's cell phone begins to ring] No more taxes!" "That's all I want to hear from you Martin!" "No more taxes!" "[phones all over office begin ringing]" "What, what's going on?" "!" "What?" "You didn't like my gift?" "I'm sorry Martin, but your brother absolutely will not take no for an answer." "I don't know how he's done it, but he's got every line in the office ringing at once." "Just go enjoy yourself." "Have fun at the party." "I got it." "Little family crisis." "Take me a second." "This better be good Sam!" "She what?" "Drinking?" "What... boyfriend?" "!" "What do you mean the hairy one with tattoos?" "[Martin whispers] Look, you just take care of it right now." "I'm in the middle of something really important." "Call Jackie!" "Jackie..." "Just do" "Okay." "Keep her there for me." "I'll be right over." "Okay." "Bye-bye" "Well, apparently my seventeen going on thirty year-old daughter was just busted for drinking in a parking lot with a hairy, tattooed boyfriend I didn't know existed." "[Donald laughs]" "The world is crashing down on you man." "You have no idea." "That don't got nothing on this big boy hopping on top of you if you don't turn this war into peace." "I ain't paying another dime." "And if I have to because you chumped up and failed, I'm gone." "Eat or be eaten." "I want you to eat up the IRS Martin." "[Donald] Eat or be eaten Martin!" "J' seasonal horn music J'" "[dog howling]" "[Sam] Pssst!" "Marty!" "Over here!" "[ball wooshing]" "That never gets old." "[Sam] Stocked, armed, and ready!" "[Sam] Little Christmas gift to the fam." "[Sam] Food." "Shelter..." "and if I don't have it, I can make it or kill it." "Gonna survive on this?" "Gordon!" "[Sam] Trip to Orlando last summer, real nightmare." "Where': my daughter?" "In the house." "She might even be sober by now." "Gulp, gulp, gulp, gulp!" "You need to take control, little brother, while your head's still above water." "Heck, I heard some guy almost got hit by a flying toilet today." "Wake up!" "Flying toilets!" "All winter with no snow!" "The end': coming." "You better get a running." "J' uptempo seasonal music J'" "That is so disgusting." "[Gordon] Just 'cause your dad didn't kill it" "My dad doesn't call dead animals art Gordy." "Could you turn that down?" "I'm trying to make a phone call here." "[gunfire on game]" "[Lu] Such a total moron." "Hey!" "There you are." "ls everything" "[Martin] Let'; go!" "That is so rude." "[Martin] Zip it!" "That is so rude." ""Zip it"?" "Oh, let me guess, Leave it to Beaver..." "Get in the car." "Now. --"Zip it"?" "Oh, let me guess, Leave it to Beaver..." "You are so weird!" "I can't believe we're related." "[Lu] Bye Uncle Sammy Sam." "Aunt Marilyn," "I absolutely love what you've done with the place." "The tin foil window dressings- very redneck bunker chic." "Loving it!" "Again, my apologies." "It happens." "Take control Marty." "River is rising and you're going under." "Read the papers." "Watch the news." "It's happening." "[Sam] You know it." "I know it." "Everybody knows it." "But you're just too scaredy scared to face it." "[Sam] Zzz" "A little Christmas gift for you and the fam." "Read it; watch it; do it!" "[Sam] We did it." "Saved our lives." "[Sam] Course, I was always more prepared to handle that kind of thing." "You have become a very scary guy, Sam!" "Be scary or be scared!" "Scaredy scared." "Let'; go!" "What happened to your nice new car?" "Why do you care?" "Sometimes you are like so pathetic." "Yeah, well, sometimes you are like so grounded." "Like right now." "[Martin] Drinking?" "Going off to college and now you're drinking." "No." "Are you really going to listen to anything your creepy brother says?" "When you can't see he's yanking your chain like usual." "Let me smell your breath..." "Let me smell your breath." "Seriously, there's something really stinky floating around here." "[Martin chuckles sarcastically]" "[LU] I wasn't drinking!" "Hello!" "Father come in!" "I don't drink!" "Gross!" "Oh yeah, well, then how come the cops arrested you?" "First of all, I wasn't arrested." "I was escorted here." "Second of all, it wasn't the police." "Okay." "Go on." "Are you sure you can handle it?" "Bring it." "Regis and I..." "Oh God, Regis, is that the hairy guy with the tattoos?" "You know what, forget it." "Can we just go home?" "You're not listening, and as usual, you're not here." "I am here." "Please continue." "Fine!" "Regis, not sure where the hairy thing comes in, my boyfriend of three months, who by the way you've met at least five times, were hanging out at the mall and a couple of the kids had some beers." "So then this mall cop named Bob shows up, and the kids who actually had the beers bolt, leaving Regis and I holding the bag." "Not cool!" "I agree" "So then he says he has to deliver me to a parent or legal guardian." "He takes me home first." "Only when we get there, Mom's not there." "Yeah, what else is new?" "So then I try calling you, and you don't answer your cell." "What else is new?" "So he's left with no choice but to drop me off here to Uncle Sam's farmhouse of freaks." "You know if I had my own car, none of this would have happened by the way." "[Martin breathes in and exhales]" "Save some air for the rest of us papa bear" "Hey!" "Where': your mother?" "I'm not her social secretary." "So, do I get my phone back or not?" "Ha ha, you think?" "[Lu scoffs in frustration]" "[Lu] So lame." "[door closes]" "[water dripping]" "[television playing in background]" "Kids!" "I'm home!" "[television playing in background]" "Jessie?" "[Martin] Jessie?" "You didn't hear me?" "And this is where Jonah surrendered to God': will." "For three days and three nights, he prayed to God to forgive him of his sins..." "[Jessie] Tina says it hurts." "[Jessie] Lights please!" "[Pastor] And that's where he started his journey to Nineveh..." "You have a kiss for Daddy?" "[Pastor] ...and Jonah spoke to those barbarians, and to his amazement, they listened!" "[Pastor] And they followed Jonah." "And together they learned the love of God." "Tina says we were rude, and you can turn the lights back on." "[Martin] Okay." "So, what did you and, uh, Tina do today?" "Watched TV." "[Jessie] Santa from the mall was on the news, but the police took him away." "[Jessie] He looked skinny." "Tina says he was a fake one." "I told her we shouldn't watch so much TV, but she likes it." "Especially church TV." "Did we ever go to church?" "Real church?" "Well... yeah... before you were born." "Did you marry Mommy in a church?" "I did." "Tina wants to know why we stopped going to church after I was born." "Well, we, uh..." "got kind of busy with stuff." "We got too busy to go to church?" "Have you and Tina had dinner?" "And where is your brother?" "[Jessie] He's keeping an eye on me." "Like God does." "Okay." "[Martin] Hey buddy!" "[Martin] Adam!" "[Martin] Hi Dad." "[Martin] Right." "Hey, I was going to make a little dinner downstairs.You hungry?" "[digital beeps]" "[Jessie] When are Splatter's puppies gonna come?" "I don't know." "Soon." "I just hope someone':" "home when they do." "[Jessie] Here ya go..." "I thought you love franks and beans." "Splatter loves franks and beans." "Oh." "Well, what do you like to eat then?" "Cereal." "Yeah, yeah." "You can't have cereal for dinner." "What about Tina?" "Oh, you definitely can't have Tina for dinner." "[Martin laughs]" "I think you upset her." "[door closes]" "[Jackie] Hey guys!" "Mommy!" "[Jackie] Hey!" "Oh, you and Tina didn't feel like pizza baby?" "What pizza?" "The pizza I told Lu to order." "I gave her money this morning." "She spent it on booze for her boyfriend." "[Jackie chuckles under her breath]" "Exaggeration voice Martin." "I talked to her." "Wrong place, wrong time." "We have all been there." "I am not going to get into this with you." "Come on!" "Let's go get a Christmas tree." "Now, before Christmas actually happens." "[Jackie] Come on..." "Come on kids!" "Christmas tree!" "You know a toilet fell on me today?" "[Splatter whines]" "J' sleigh bells lead into Christmas song J'" "That one!" "That one!" "Tina likes that one!" "[Tree salesman laughs]" "Tina says he's not the real Santa either." "How about this one?" "It's eight foot six." "Perfect for a nine foot ceiling" "Great." "Let's grab it and go." "Oh, no, no, no!" "Not so fast!" "The girl made a fine choice there." "That's the best tree in the lot." "Come on!" "Show me the good stuff!" "Martin, let's not make a big deal." "All these trees are beautiful." "It doesn't smell!" "Smell it!" "That's a good tree!" "Yeah, burn it!" "It's firewood!" "Yeah, for munchkins maybe." "Oh..." "Now, that': a tree!" "[chainsaw buzz]" "[Martin] You know, everything the kids do is part of some glorious, normal developmental phase with you." "I mean, Jessie': in her pajamas every day." "The same ones, morning, noon, and night." "Well, when she wants to wear something else, she will." "And what's up with this whole church TV thing?" "Where'd that come from all the sudden?" "[Jackie says chuckling] I put my money on Tina." "Oh yeah, well and her!" "Jessie freaks out that I don't want to give her doll," "Tina, a birthday party and then what do I do?" "I cave!" "[Jackie] Oh, it was sweet." "Oh yeah, it's preposterous is what it is." "$413.16.Thinking of claiming her as a dependent." "[Jackie] Oh, there': my accountant." "Always looking for a write-off." "Oh, and Adam, his voice could have changed by now and I wouldn't know it because you got to make an appointment with his door to talk to him." "You buy him the stuff." "Look on the bright side, Babe." "At least he can spell." "You know he invented a little camera." "He's going around and spying on us." "[Jackie] Oh, it's just a toy." "It's pretty ingenious if you ask me." "I think every family can use a MacGyver." "Speaking of which, Babe, you've got to fix that shower." "I need my shower fixed" "It's weird, the whole spying thing." "[Jackie] Look, if you don't like what you see, do something about it." "Just, you know, take some responsibility." "Take control." "Uh, take control." "Again." "Everybody keeps telling me to take control." "What does that even mean?" "Martin, try connecting with your children." "How?" "What do you want me to do?" "Skype them?" "Text them?" "Tweet them?" "I work!" "[Jackie] Oh, here we go." "So do I Martin, raising our children!" "[Jackie] What's with all the classes?" "I mean, what did you take this week?" "Was it ceramics?" "Dance?" "Kung Fu and interpretive baking?" "What was it tonight?" "I've told you, several times, and as usual, you never pay attention." "Uh, oh, I pay attention." "People pay me to pay attention." "Well then, you should know!" "All in all, Lu, she's a pretty good kid." "Try cutting her some slack." "Lights please." "[Martin sighs and sarcastically chuckles]" "[Christmas tree talks] Hey!" "You destroyed me." "You were too tall." "[television playing in background]" "And Jonah was snatched by a great whale, into the belly." "And this is where Jonah surrendered to God': will." "For three days and three nights he prayed to God to forgive him of his sins." "And on the third day, that great whale released Jonah... [military music]" "[Drill Sergeant] Warning!" "A cataclysmic disaster is just around the corner." "Prepare yourself." "Act now!" "It doesn't take a genius to realize that with each passing day, we give up one more piece of control in our daily lives." "[Drill Sergeant] We've become slaves to technology." "And worst of all, our children, our future, are unmotivated..." "Their morals eroding in the face of uncertainty." "They hopelessly walk the streets like zombies." "Passing through a data mushroom cloud..." "Speaking a language we no longer understand." "But rest assured, there is one last sliver of hope." "[with echo effect] The 3 Day Test." "An exercise that not only challenges your ability to survive disaster, but gives you and your loved ones the opportunity to reconnect and rediscover hope and the meaning of family together." "The ground rules are simple." "Without discussion, turn off every utility and service coming into your house." "Water, power, gas, phone, cable, satellite..." "All of it." "Collect the cell phones." "Lock the windows." "Lock the doors." "No one in, no one out for 72 hours." "That is three full days." "The world outside no longer exists." "You're gonna want to spring this on you family without warning and at the most inappropriate time, as that is how true emergencies develop." "[Drill Sergeant] Now is the time to make that choice!" "Take it or be taken!" "Eat or be eaten Martin!" "Be scary or be scared." "You had me at cataclysmic pal!" "Alright then!" "Let's get started!" "J' "Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy" by Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky J'" "[objects falling]" "[Martin] Owl!" "Tweet that!" "[Martin] Okay..." "let's see here." "Huh." "[spraying sound] J' uptempo Christmas music J'" "[Ms.Wilburn] What in the who hey are you doing now, Taylor?" "Good morning, Ms. Wilburn." "[Martin] You can crawl back in your hole.The world is over." "What's this?" "Looks like a candy cane to me." "I know what it is ding dong." "It's my candy cane." "How did it get on your lawn?" "Ah, beats me." "I just might." "Just because we share the same street doesn't mean we share our lives." "I understand Ms. Wilburn." "Jessie!" "Lu!" "Adam!" "Jackie!" "Everybody up!" "Let's go!" "Let's go!" "Everybody!" "Everybody!" "Move it!" "Move it!" "Move it!" "Move it!" "The world as we know it is over." "This is a test." "A test?" "What?" "What are you talking about?" "A test of survival." "Boom!" "Sam!" "Been there." "Seen that." "Not that interested." "Boom!" "Bye." "Stay!" "[Martin] Alright, for the next three days, time has stopped." "Everything that we've come to depend on is gone." "No water." "No power." "No heat." "Are you out of your mind?" "Yes!" "I'm out of my mind!" "I'm off the hook!" "Speaking of which, no phones!" "What?" "Yeah..." "No one goes in this house, no one leaves this house for three days and three nights. 72 hours." "It's freezing in here." "What happened to the heat?" "The heat is off." "If we don't make it in here, it doesn't exist." "What happened to our windows?" "Blacked out!" "The cruel world stays outside." "[Martin maniacally laughs]" "We stay inside!" "You painted our windows black?" "Yeah!" "He's lost it." "Happened to Cara': dad." "Moved the whole family to North Dakota to build canoes from scratch." "We're going to build a canoe?" "Okay, Honey." "This is about last night, right?" "Fine, you've made your point, okay?" "Now turn on the heat." "I'll make some pancakes.We can" "No, no, now, wait, wait!" "This is about the last seventeen years." "This is..." "This is about finding us again." "I want my family back." "You sure this is where the toilet dude lives?" "Absolutely." "That's pretty weird, huh?" "Maybe it hit him a little harder than we thought." "Yeah, apparently." "I smell a bigger deal here." "You know what?" "I hope so!" "I truly hope so, because my parents didn't spend 100 grand to put me through college for a "man gets hit by port-a-potty" topping our news today." "George, George, chill man." "My momma would whoop me..." "[Tom] I know." "George!" "That doesn't feel good." "Cool, cool, alright man." "What else you got on this guy?" "Says here the guy's an accountant." "His firm does taxes." "That sounds totally stressful." "Okay, we're going to be warmer sleeping together in the living room." "We'd be warmer if you turned on the heat." "You think you're free don't you?" "I guess." "Well, you're not.You're a slave." "To all that stuff in your room." "The oil that heats the house, drives your car..." "I don't drive dad." "Alright, where's all the camping gear?" "Up in the attic?" "I'm on it!" "Would that be the ton of camping gear you bought for the trip to Yellowstone that never happened there, Yogi?" "We got too busy to go camping." "Martin, it's freezing." "Yeah, well, layers." "It's survival not yoga,Yogi." "Get in here!" "Now!" "Take off that stupid hat." "You know, you lose 30% of your body heat through your head!" "I'm not doing this Martin!" "It's Christmas!" "You have us locked in our house." "This has Sam written all over it!" "This is me taking control!" "He said it, you say it, everyone says it." "Now I'm doing it." "I gotta do this now Jackie!" "Just say, "I love you, Martin."" "Of course, I love you, but right now, I want to get dressed." "I want to go get a latte." "Do some Christmas shopping." "It's Christmas." "I used to love Christmas." "Remember?" "We'd sit around the fire." "We would read stories to the kids." "Lu would sing in the Christmas choir in that cute little red velvet dress." "You remember all that?" "And now she's going to college." "[Martin] Where did it go?" "Now Christmas is just another excuse for everyone to melt their credit cards, go further into debt, and then expect me to fix it." "[Martin] Well I say no!" "No more shopping!" "No more showers!" "No more lattes!" "No more "connectivity," unless it's in person, under this roof." "I'm taking a stand!" "We're unplugging from this lunacy!" "No, Martin!" "You're plugging right into it!" "Kids, get dressed!" "We're going out!" "Jackie, I really need this." "We need this!" "I can't do this for you Martin." "It's Christmas, and this is nuts." "This is just you and Sam, doing the same old thing." "So get over it!" "Okay?" "I'm done with this!" "It is crazy!" "Put that stuff down." "We're going out." "What do you two bozos think you're doing?" "[Tom]We're here to do a story on your neighbor." "Why?" "He's an idiot." "Construction toilet fell on him yesterday." "We're here to ask him the question everyone wants to know." "What's it feel like to get hit by a toilet?" "Well, you'd better hurry then because I've just called the cops on him." "Why?" "I think he's got his family hostage in there." "Jessie, go find your brother and sister and tell them we are leaving now." "With or without them." "[Martin] You know..." "I haven't asked for anything in seventeen years." "Three days is all I ask." "Is that so much to ask?" "Yes.You want to lock yourself in here, fine!" "I've already done it." "[Jackie] My friends have careers." "I have carpools." "They talk business." "I can't form a sentence that doesn't end in pee-pee." "You know, you want to do something really constructive, use those tools you have on display in the garage to fix the drain in the shower before the ceiling caves in." "I could've had a plumber do it six months ago, but no, you wanted to save the $538.42 by doing it yourself." "Well now, it's double that and counting!" "Jackie, do you know what I am?" "I am a bean counter." "Okay?" "Day in, day out I account for other people's lives." "I never take the time to account for ours." "And whose fault is that?" "Mine." "We live in a nice house, in a nice neighborhood, in a nice block." "We've got the whole package, but what do we really know?" "Seriously, what do we really know about anything?" "How, socks get made." "Ask Kara': dad." "I'm sure he can knit you a pair between canoes." "[Martin] Come on, Seriously?" "[Martin] We take so much for granted." "What if the world as we know it did end suddenly?" "Are we ready?" "What if Sam's right?" "What if Armageddon is a coming?" "[Jackie] Martin, stop!" "Really!" "Besides, I'm pretty sure that's God': call, not Sam's." "Uh, Jackie, we kind of need the water, so you might not want to... [toilet flushes]" "The power': out." "Uh, Martin!" "Jessie, get in the car please." "Lu, could you open the door?" "What, with like my hands?" "Never mind." "I got it." "[I-ll] This is so lame." "[screeching tires] [police sirens]" "[Merrick] Martin Taylor!" "[Merrick] Please come out the front door with your hands up!" "You are surrounded." "What?" "Drop your weapon." "What?" "The frying pan, Martin!" "Oh, right." "[S.W.A.T. members] Get on the ground now!" "Get down!" "Get down!" "[Jessie screams]" "Hello network news!" "[Merrick] Okay guys, up!" "[Martin] I'm swallowing lawn." "Are you Martin Taylor?" "Yeah." "You know why we're here?" "No." "Were you holding your family hostage inside your house?" "[Jackie] Huh?" "No." "We have reason to believe you were." "Well, you heard wrong." "Ma'am, please back off." "No, you back off!" "Get off him now!" "Ma'am!" "I'm gonna ask you straight out." "Was your husband holding you or any member of your family against your will inside that house?" "Well if you..." "Jackie!" "I'm kidding." "No, no, of course not!" "That's ridiculous." "Ma'am, now': the time for truth." "Kids, get over here." "The rest of you, back off!" "This is private property!" "I don't know what you think is going on here, but you are mistaken." "Just move it!" "Now!" "All of you!" "Who?" "Who said I was holding my family hostage?" "[Merrick] Look..." "Who?" "Who was it?" "Clearly, there's been a little mix up." "Oh, a little mix up?" "Is that what this is, a little mix up?" "[Martin] Well, this is not over!" "I'm an accountant and I know people who know people." "Martin." "Down boy!" "Listen, please just take your guns and your big toys with all the flashing lights and just go home." "[Jackie] Okay?" "We'll call it even." "You heard the lady, go home!" "Shows over!" "Go back in your houses!" "Eat or be eaten!" "Seriously!" "Calm down!" "[Tom] Hey dude...!" "How's it feel to get hit by a toilet falling from the sky?" "[clock ticking]" "Jonah made it three days in a whale': belly without power and stuff." "Okay." "You got three days." "What...?" "Are you kidding?" "Three days, Martin." "You want your family back?" "Hop in the belly, here we are." "Hop in the belly?" "A whale?" "Am I like totally missing something here?" "Are you serious?" "Since we can't go Christmas shopping, consider this my Christmas gift to you." "Seriously, we don't have any gifts." "We have no gifts this Christmas." "That kind of stinks!" "[Martin] Thank you..." "Thank you, thank you!" "Thank you." "Alright." "I'm going to go make breakfast..." "without water, power, or gas." "Gum;" "Alright, so what do you think?" "We hang?" "Oh yeah.We hang." "We most definitely hang." "Candles?" "Check!" "Check." "Flashlights and lanterns?" "Uh, check!" "Check." "Uh, you know, Adam, when the power runs out on that thing, that's it, right?" "Don't worry dad." "You do it your way." "I'll do it mine." "You know we might need to start thinking about rationing the chow." "Just for..." "[Jackie] We have food Martin." "Not tons, but enough." "I can make food." "See." "We can't eat clay dumbo." "Tina does." "Dumbo!" "Tina's a doll moron!" "[Jessie] She is not, and you are whatever you just said!" "[Adam] Oh yeah!" "[Jessie screams] --[Adam] Oh yeah!" "[Jessie screams] --Enough guys!" "Hmm, how do you like it so far?" "[I-ll] So lame..." "Oh, FYI, there's no water in the downstairs toilet, if that's where you're headed." "You can thank your mother for that" "The average toilet tank in every older home holds about three gallons of water." "Unflushed toilet water." "We've got two bathrooms." "That's two times three." "That's six." "We're here for three days..." "Wait, we're drinking toilet water?" "[All] Eww." "Is that even healthy?" "[Martin] Tank water!" "It's fine." "Necessity is the mother of invention.Alright?" "[Martin] Next is firewood!" "Firewood." "[Adam] I don't think we have any outside either." "You could always burn that pamphlet." "Now, that's funny Lu, but that means you're thinking." "See." "Burn furniture." "Hmm?" "Oh, no, no, no you don't." "No you don't!" "No you don't!" "Hey!" "[Martin] Ah, no, that':" "Lu's changing table." "Nah, no, not ready, no way." "Honey, she's out of diapers." "She's going to college next year." "No, not yet." "Grandpa': desk." "I can't." "Oh, you can." "Yeah, that': hideous." "I'm freezing and, uh..." "Grandpa, God rest his soul, is going to keep us warm." "[clock ticking]" "[clock suddenly stops ticking]" "[Lu] Look, the clock is dead." "Some strange ironic act of fate." "The Taylor family killed time on the way to killing themselves" "Oh, I like that Lu.Very clever!" "Look at the bright side, at least we'll look like runway models on our way to starvation." "Yeah, if the hypothermia doesn't get us first." "I've got a great idea." "How about we decorate that Christmas tree?" "Ornaments are in the attic." "I'm on it." "No, no, no, no, no!" "A better idea." "[Martin] We make our own ornaments from stuff that's lying around the house." "Maybe like Jessie's art supplies." "That's a cool idea." "So cool, give me my phone so I can tweet it!" "Paper angels!" "Oh, that's a great idea." "There's our angel!" "We make stars made out of aluminum foil, and strings of cranberry and popcorn..." "Ooh, which of course we'll get from our cranberry and popcorn tree in our kitchen." "[Martin] Come on team!" "Where's your Christmas spirit?" "You think they used to make Christmas decorations out of old cheap ornaments and tacky tinsel?" "No!" "They made their own!" "They made their own Christmas!" "They went out and chopped down the tree and caught a wild turkey." "And at night, they would dream about microwaves and iPods and a cure for smallpox." "Tina likes this idea." "Good." "Enough said.Tina has spoken." "J' uptempo seasonal music J'" "You're going to burn down the house, Martin." "It's lit!" "Tina wants to know if we're going to burn the house down." "If it does, are we allowed to leave?" "[Jackie] I think the tree has spoken." "[Tom] Ok... so check it out." "How'bout this for a reality show?" "So check it out." "You take like ten smoking'super models." "You stick them on a deserted island with some blue collar guy for like a month." "The guy is like a real loser." "Someone like you?" "Whatever man." "You're missing the point here." "Alright, fine, so what happens then?" "You film it.You capture the reality of it." "It's like, beauties and the beast, only it's real." "It's all about survival." "No matter how low this guy is on the socioeconomic ladder, one of these girls is going to go for him." "Because she needs him because she's afraid." "[Tom] So what does she do?" "She reaches out across the great divide to survive." "Even if he's a loser." "Just admit it, you're talking about you." "Man, I've done real news!" "I've been in the trenches!" "I've paid the price!" "I've seen stuff that you couldn't handle." "I'm telling you, reality TV is the new news." "It's true." "You see everything from the faults of man to the beauty of God': creation." "And that's what's happening with you and ten supermodels on a deserted island?" "Yeah!" "You need help!" "J' soft piano music J'" "[Martin] Twenty years ago, did you ever think that we'd be here today?" "Yesterday, I didn't think we'd be here today." "[Martin] Hmm." "Even in high school, I knew I wanted to marry you." "You're so beautiful." "Loads of common sense." "A good heart." "You, could count really well." "Wait a minute..." "You married up." "No fair." "Seriously, did you ever regret marrying me?" "Because I would hate to think we've gone this far and you had any regrets." "No, I'm not sorry I married you." "I don't have any regrets.." "or feeling in my toes." "[military march-like music]" "[Sam] Roll call little brother!" "[Jackie and Jessie scream]" "Sam;" "That's right." "It's your Uncle Sam... and I want you, and you, and you, and you." "Sam!" "Get out of my house, now!" "No problem,Jackie." "We already got what we came for." "I can see your zits through your mask Gordon." "My name is Night Crawler!" "Oh, how appropriate, a worm." "Locking yourself inside, nice Marty, but that': only half of it..." "When the real battle starts, the marauders will come, and they'll take your food, and they'll take your women and children and start a new world..." "You touch me or my children and I'll call the cops!" "You can start your new world in prison!" "Alright Jackie,Jackie, come on." "It's just a game." "He's just trying to make it a little more realistic for us..." "Because that's the way it's gonna happen!" "Why are you such a twerp around him?" "Would you stand up for yourself?" "Defend your family!" "That's a girl!" "Bring it, Jackie!" "You're right Marty." "Right now it's just a game." "But when that day comes, there won't be any police or any phones to call them on, Jackie." "Because there are no saviors." "Jesus!" "Jesus is the savior!" "[Gordon] She's kinda right dad..." "[Sam] Well..." "Martin!" "Do something!" "Oh, okay, alright." "Listen, Sam, the fun': over." "Now go on home." "Get home." "Scram." "Skedaddle." "Seriously, Dad?" "Did you grow up in like 1925?" "Oh, we're leaving Marty." "But just remember, night after night they'll come in waves..." "Night after night." "Oh, I almost forgot." "[Jackie] Sam..." "Sam!" "[paintball gun fires, family screams and Martin yelps] [Jackie] Martin!" "[Sam laughs]" "[Sam] Come on man.You've got this beautiful family, and the best you can do to protect them is a "hide-a-key" fake rock?" "[Sam] Maybe you're not as smart as you look." "[Sam] Gordon!" "Uh-oh worm, looks like daddy's angry." "Run along like a good little soldier." "[Sam] Gordon!" "[Gordon] Stop!" "I'm coming." "[Jessie] Is it true?" "Uncle Sam took all our food?" "No, not all of it." "Don't you guys see what he's doing?" "Seven to ten with time off for good behavior?" "No." "In his own weird way, he's actually trying to protect us." "Hmm.Well now, I'm going to try in my own weird way to protect us." "Power': going back on." "We are returning to earth." "You mean that same earth with all the weird weather, random acts of violence, and bomb crazy dictators, making every day a guessing game?" "Jackie, I'm tired of living in the dark." "All the more reason to turn on the lights." "Just, well then do it for the children." "You really think beating Sam at this ridiculous game of tug of war you've been playing for thirty years is somehow going to make life better for your kids?" "Maybe in some weird, Nightmare Before Christmas, ET, Cast Away," "Home Alone kind of way." "Yeah, I do." "He's taken everything." "It's freezing in here." "We have nothing to eat, and your children are afraid." "Come on guys!" "Let's be like pioneers." "Let's have an adventure!" "I mean, how many guys do you know that get to have a Christmas like this?" "The pilgrims." "[Martin]What do you mean we got nothing to eat?" "[Martin] We've got food..." "there': plenty of food!" "See?" "Food." "Let there be food!" "Not the table!" "[Lu] Jessie': fake clay hamburgers are looking pretty good right about now." "You want heat?" "Let there be heat!" "Burn this!" "Okay." "I'm giving you the shirt off my back, Jackie." "When I'm afraid, I will trust in you." "[Jessie] In God, whose word I praise, I will not be afraid." "[Jessie] What can mortal man do to me?" "Thank you." "[Lu] You learned all this from that church dude on TV?" "Two more days, Martin." "Make them count." "[Lu and Adam sigh]" "I'd rather build a canoe." "I'd build an ark." "[Martin] Whoa, careful you don't start a new fashion trend there." "Oh yeah, shabby, shabby." "Hey um, what is A-Dog Productions?" "That's Adam':" "label." "[Jackie] Hm?" "Label?" "Yeah, he downloads music, movies, whatever... makes copies of them and then sells them to his friends at school." "Wait, isn't that illegal?" "Oh, come on guys." "Seriously?" "How do you think he affords all that stuff in his room?" "I thought I bought it for him." "[Lu]Yeah, well, think again Sherlock." "Mom, seriously, I need to let Regis know I'm okay." "I don't want him to worry." "How can I do that?" "Who's, umm, huh, who?" "Regis!" "What is it the name?" "You can't remember the name?" "I mean there are only two in the world and mine isn't 100." "I don't really care about the name." "All I can see is hair and tattoos." "What is it with you?" "And what is up with this hair thing?" "Regis practically shaves his head." "Oh great, bald and then covered in tattoos." "He's practically a convict." "Next you're going to tell me he's shoving an earring in his nose." "That would be a nose ring, Martin." "Nose ring." "Oh,that's it!" "That's the last step before they're gone for good." "They start calling you by your first name" "Dad, he doesn't have a nose ring, and his hair is short because he plays football." "And he only has one little tattoo..." "that matches mine." "You have a tattoo?" "My baby has a tattoo?" "Ah!" "Is it hot in here?" "[Jackie] Martin, foot off the pedal, okay?" "She's just pushing your buttons." "Tattoos, no tattoos, boyfriends, why don't we know any of this stuff?" "You're her mother, why don't you know this?" "Whoa, whoa, whoa!" "Once again you are under the impression that handling all this stuff is all up to me." "You are her father." "I'm boiling hot." "I'm going to go talk to her." "Just, Sweetie." "Take a breath, okay?" "This is not an audit, she isn't the IRS." "Calm down.You can't go in there like a locomotive." "Okay, I got this under control I think." "I'm gonna be fine." "You're seventeen!" "[Martin]There is a time for everything." "Okay?" "You're going to graduate high school this year." "Next year, you go to college." "Fifty years from now you'll" "Dad!" "Stop!" "[Martin]You know what, I want to see the tattoos." "I want to see those tattoos." "Show them to me right now." "Has Reggie seen them?" "Regis!" "And seriously, you know nothing about me!" "You know nothing about anything except for crunching stupid numbers." "You know, sometimes life isn't in the math dad." "Look at me." "Me!" "Do you actually think I would mess up this velvety, pristine skin that I moisturize three times daily?" "Do you actually think I would mess that up with ink?" "So you don't have a tattoo?" "If you have to ask, then I can't help you." "Okay." "I, I'm, I've been somewhat derelict in my duties." "Nice word." "Means nothing." "How about we change it?" "How about... we start talking now?" "I mean I... we can talk about the boyfriends, and tattoos and everything." "The good, the bad, the ugly." "For what, three days?" "What's that supposed to accomplish?" "In four days, everything goes back to the way it was?" "You've had seventeen years." "Please leave." "Alright, I'll play along with your stupid game, but right now I don't feel like talking." "I'm lost." "Yeah, when you start eating your old fruitcake, I agree." "Lu... it's not her, it's me." "I've lost her." "I was not there for her." "Oh, Honey, don't be so hard on yourself." "[Jackie] She's your baby girl." "She's growing up.You're worried." "Another glorious, normal phase." "Exactly." "Is she gonna be ready?" "I mean, have we really prepared her for the world?" "This world?" "That world." "[Jackie] Honey, she'll be fine." "And, speaking of lost, I can't find Adam." "I've looked everywhere." "What?" "I think he left the house." "Naw, no, no, no, no." "He's got to be around here somewhere." "He's a good kid." "He probably knows we're onto him about all this DVD stuff." "He knows we're going to have to deal with it sooner or later." "[Jessie] Daddy." "I'm not allowed to tell, but I thinkTina knows where Adam is." "Where is he?" "Adam will get mad if I tell, so maybe Tina can tell you instead." "Jessie,Tina is a doll." "She's eight inches of cotton, plastic and a bad wig." "That's going to cost me around $10,000 in birthday parties for the next twenty years." "Maybe we could just talk to each other directly" "Don't you think that'd be nice?" "Be cheaper." "Tell me where your brother is." "[Jessie angrily] Mm!" "Smooth." "Jessie?" "Sweetie?" "I'm really sorry that I said that to you." "I apologize." "That was mean." "[Jessie] Are you going to apologize to Tina?" "I'm sorry Tina." "I really am sorry Tina." "I do mean that." "Okay!" "Tina forgives you." "But, she has an important question." "Oh." "She can still keep having birthday parties." "It's not that." "Tina wants to know if you believe in God." "Jess, I know how important this is to you and Tina." "And anything important to you is also important to me, but Mom needs us to find Adam." "And if Tina can help us find Adam, we'll talk about that later." "Okay?" "Promise?" "Promise." "Follow me." "You were right." "Ran out of juice." "Want to tell me what you're doing up here?" "I don't know." "Want a bite?" "Jessie, go down and tell mom we found Adam." "We'll be right down, okay?" "Okay." "Sorry." "It's okay." "[Martin] So..." "So what is this place?" "I don't know." "Just a place." "Want to tell me about all the DVD stuff?" "I don't know." "Sure." "I guess." "Well first, I just want to make sure." "You downloaded music and movies off the internet and sold it to your friends?" "I..." "I guess." "You know that': wrong and illegal." "Kind of a big deal, Adam." "Everyone does it though." "It's not like I'm ripping off a store or hurting anyone." "You don't think so?" "Are you going to write a personal check to the people who make the music and the movies?" "No." "Well, how are they going to get paid?" "I mean they did all the work and now you're making the money." "Do you think that's right?" "I guess not." "Yeah, yeah." "You know your Uncle Sam and my dad are an awful lot alike." "They like hunting and fishing and bringing home a lot of dead smelly things." "I hated it." "I wasn't that into it." "But, I wanted so badly to share what they had." "I wanted the attention that Sam had." "So did you start killing stuff?" "I tried." "Always kind of made me puke a little." "But what I did do, is I did things I knew would make my dad mad." "I grew my hair long, I listened to music I knew he detested, and I even stole stuff." "You stole stuff?" "Like what?" "Jeans." "You stole jeans?" "Oh, not just any jeans." "Acid washed jeans." "It made him really angry." "So wait." "Why are you mad at me if you did it too?" "You were like worse." "You stole from a store." "First of all, stealing is stealing, no matter how you cut it." "It's wrong." "And second of all, I'm not mad at you." "It's my job as your dad to help you understand right from wrong." "Thinking back to stealing those jeans, it was just a dumb kid thing to do." "The bigger part of it was that I was really just trying to flag down my old man and say, "I'm here too."" "So how do I fix it?" "I don't know." "Got any ideas?" "Not really." "Why don't you just sit here, and you think about it." "We'll figure it out together." "I'm sorry." "Me too." "J' uplifting Christmas music J'" "[Tom] Okay, take the dumbest, weirdest looking redneck you can find in the country, right?" "You give him a tan, you bleach his teeth, you cut off his mullet if he has one." "You put him in some designer clothes." "You send him on a date with a supermodel." "Redneck Redo." "Now that':" "a show America will watch." "Is there any idea floating around in that extremely goofy brain of yours that doesn't completely degrade women?" "What are you talking about?" "I love women." "All women." "What are you two screwball:" "still doing out here?" "Nothing." "Just hanging." "You get too cold out here, feel free to drop in for a cup of something hot to warm you up." "That's nice." "What was that?" "I'm not that old." "[George laughs]" "You're old." "[Martin] Night after night, the marauders will come." "Now bring it on, big brother." "[Jackie] Martin hurry!" "[Martin] What?" "[Jackie] Hey, shhh, shhh, shhh!" "[Martin]What?" "[Jackie] Hey, shhh, shhh, shhh!" "[Jessie] Puppies!" "[dog whines]" "[Jackie] Martin, put down the flashlight!" "Sorry." "Here we go." "One, two,three breathe in." "Breathe out." "[Martin starts pregnancy breathing exercises]" "[Jackie and Lu snicker]" "Sweetie, sweetie, sweetie..." "Honey, I'm pretty sure it's not the same thing." "Oh." "Truthfully, this is a little disgusting." "I don't think I'm ever going to get pregnant." "Actually I'm okay with that." "It's not disgusting." "It's beautiful!" "All things are created by Him and for Him." "He is before all things." "And in Him, all things hold together." "[High winds and debris rolling down the road] [debris hits news truck]" "[Jessie screams]" "[Jackie] What?" "[Jackie] Jessie..." "What?" "Ahh..." "[Martin] "Thanks for the puppies." "They'll make great watchdogs."" "[Jackie] Sam!" "They took Tina too!" "She's gone" "[Jackie] That's it Martin." "He stole our dog." "J' military drums J'" "[Martin] You... get in here!" "[Martin] Come on!" "Hello North Dakota." "A couple days ago, I told Don Brendle that I would tear apart my own house to find a tax deduction." "[Martin] Then I got to thinking." "Over 50% of my tax payments go to some part of the Department of Defense, which is around $630 billion." "2% of which goes to civil defense, which is constructing shelters and early warning systems." "So then, I thought..." "Why can't this test be part of that budget and have it be deductible?" "So based on my salary, that deduction would end up being right around $9,232.16." "If Sam wants a war, we'll give him a war, but we'll have the other Uncle Sam pay for it." "[Martin laughs] This is brilliant!" "[Martin] Oh, and this test will be televised." "The IRS is going to want proof of the test." "It's a hole." "[Jessie] Daddy': making booby traps like Home Alone." "[Adam] Night after night, the marauders will return." "Three days and three nights." "Uncle Sam is coming back, but we're going to get to him before he gets to us." "[I-ll] Excuse me, umm..." "Yeah, that didn't exactly work last night with your pots and pans." "Ah, that': okay." "We're not going to be doing alarms." "It's going to be booby traps." "I'm talking big booby traps!" "Like extreme home makeover booby traps!" "Am I the only one seeing this here?" "I mean, you're talking about completely destroying our house." "That is... preposterous." "[George] Hey..." "Check it out." "Says here the power is out all over the city." "Let me see that." "Ouch!" "[Tom]Wind blew out everything." "That's weird." "A blackout!" "He does work in mysterious ways." "I think she may be on to something." "[Lu] I think maybe the power just went out." "[Martin] Well that may be, but either way, here we are." "We're better off in here than anyone out there." "Hold on." "I'm still seeing a new shower out of this, right?" "Oh, gosh, we're halfway there!" "[military drums and brass]" "[Tom] You're on!" "[George] All Martin Taylor wanted was three days away from the maddening crowd." "Three days away from the technological progress and moral regression that has put a stranglehold on today's society." "But in the process, Family Taylor has been invaded by the very forces they've tried to insulate themselves from." "An overzealous armed forces; nosey neighbors who ridicule and point fingers." "And yes, they've even been invaded by the media." "[George] They've been pushed to their limit by one of society's outcasts..." "Mr. Taylor's own unstable survivalist brother Sam." "Power?" "Who says we don't have power?" "[George] With their meager provisions pillaged, their beloved pets stolen, and even one of their own, Tina, the soul of their family, taken hostage, the Taylor family has endured and united in a heroic effort to fight back the tide." "[George] And yes, for better or worse, come together under one roof with a common purpose." "[George] Can the family Taylor do it...?" "Can they keep afloat against an undertow so strong it has sucked into the darkness the very society it was meant to protect and inspire?" "[Goerge] Alas, they are a metaphor for the little people" " You and I." "The faint but enduring chorus crying out for liberty and justice for all." "[George] Their voyage is our voyage..." "Their success is our success..." "Their failure is our failure" "God speed Taylor family." "God speed!" "Five minutes until curtain." "Places please!" "So, how'd I do?" "Your parents would be proud." "[Martin] Just give us a second." "Thanks." "Alright guys, I know this has been a pretty rotten Christmas, and I just wanted to let you know that after taking a good long hard look in the mirror, checking in with you, I realize the missing link in all this has been me." "And for that I am sorry." "Now..." "let's go get them!" "Yeah!" "Let's get them." "J' seasonal music J'" "[Gordon] Ow!" "I scratched my back!" "[Sam] Seriously Marty, you can do better than that." "[Gordon] So stupid." "[Sam chuckles quietly]" "[Gordon] Wigs?" "[Sam] Game on Gordy!" "[Gordon] It's Night Crawler..." "Night Crawler!" "[Jessie giggles]" "[Jessie] They're here." "You're up!" "[Jessie] I'm on it." "[Sam] Downstairs." "[Gordon] Roger that." "[Sam] Hmm... nice." "[Jessie] Hi Uncle Sam!" "So nice to see you." "[Sam] Alright Jess... you got me." "[sound of lighter flicked on]" "[Jessie] Here, catch!" "[explosion sound]" "[Sam laughs]" "I'm not buying it." "Are you buying it Tina?" "Tina is not buying it either, Jess." "[Jessie] Hmm." "[sound of machine gunfire]" "I'm buying that." "Strike!" "[sound of bowling pins getting knocked over]" "[Sam] You're going down little brother!" "Yeah, look who's talking!" "[Sam] You too old man!" "[Tom] I'm not that old!" "[George laughing] You're old." "[Martin] Tina!" "[Jessie] No!" "Leave her!" "[Martin] Alright, come on." "[Sam] Ho Ho H" " Oh... that hurt." "Come on!" "Get in here." "Nice job!" "Thanks." "Boom!" "Well, we got another player." "He swallowed the bait." "[Adam] Hit it." "[light clicks on]" "[Gordon] Huh?" "[squish]" "[crunch and Gordon begins to grimace]" "[Jessie laughs]" "[Gordon begins to cry out] [Jessie continues to laugh]" "[Adam] You can't eat clay dumbo." "[smack]" "Come on Sam!" "Huh!" "You can do better than that." "[Gordon over radio] Dad..." "Night Crawler': down!" "[Gordon] I'm stuck!" "[Gordon struggles]" "What are you doing?" "I'm stuck!" "I'm standing right here, you can put that thing down you dummy!" "We're in the middle of a battle." "Get un-stuck!" "They're dug in upstairs." "[Sam] Hurry!" "Come on!" "[Gordon] Now my feet are cold." "I need Night Crawler, not Whiney the Pooh!" "Let's move it!" "Come on!" "[Sam] Hurry!" "[Gordon] Okay..." "I'm coming.Wait for me." "[Sam] Good start bro!" "I like your spirit!" "Oh, what's this?" "Yeah, okay." "I think I'll start with door number two." "[Sam] Huh." "I'm going to go on a little recon." "You check out the rest of the rooms down here." "[Gordon] Really?" "Yes, really!" "Where': your weapon?" "[Gordon] I don't know." "Gordon!" "You're on your own now son!" "[Lu "crying"]" "[I-ll] Come in Gordy." "[Lu continues to "cry"]" "[I-ll] Help me." "[I-ll] Gordy, I'm so scared...!" "I don't like this any more!" "[Gordon] What ha" "[I-ll] Will you take me out of here?" "[Gordon] Whoa... whoa... whoa...!" "[Gordon] Ow;" "[Gordon struggles]" "No!" "Stop... please... don't!" "[Gordon] Oh no!" "[Gordon] Lug" "Now that': art!" "He's all yours." "[Gordon] I want to be on your team Uncle Marty!" "Maybe next time Gordy." "[Gordon sighs]" "[Sam] Fee, fie, foe, fum." "I smell the blood of my nephew..." "Adam." "[Jessie] I'm scared... --[Sam] Fee, fie, foe, fum." "I smell the blood of my nephew..." "Adam." "[Sam] Fee, fie, foe, fum." "I smell the blood of my nephew..." "Adam." "[Sam laughs]" "Got ya;" "[Jessie screams]" "[Martin] Hey big brother!" "[Martin] Go long!" "[Sam] Ooh." "[Martin] You remember that Sam?" "It's between you and me now." "Mano a Mano." "Go, go, go, go, go!" "Game on!" "[Martin] Go, go, go, go, go!" "[Martin] You can't even beat your unprepared, disorganized, scrawny little baby brother." "[Martin] Be scary or be scared." "[Martin]The world isn't going anywhere Sam...!" "But this thing between you and me does end... tonight." "[Sam]The bathroom, huh?" "Right back where you started." "[Martin] Ha ha." "[Sam] You know what Marty?" "I'm proud of you." "You finally cracked the nut and started standing up for yourself." "You're right." "It ends tonight.You win." "Don't wimp out on me now." "Just surrendering my weapon." "Game over." "I surrender." "Now don't just stand there, I give already." "I want you to know what victory smells like." "What it does to your soul." "Take me down." "Come on." "Do it." "Do it!" "Okay, get down." "Arms up!" "Lower!" "[Sam laughs]" "Hands where I can see them." "Yes sir, officer!" "Going down." "[Martin yells]" "[Lu] Dad?" "[Sam laughs]" "You think I'm blind." "Survival means knowing your surroundings, and playing them before they can play you." "Oh yeah?" "Then how'd you miss this?" "[Sam yells]" "[Jackie] Martin!" "Oh, karate.Those were the classes you were taking." "Uh, dad?" "[Sam and Martin struggling]" "[Sam] Ouch, my knee, my knee, my knee!" "Ow!" "[Sam] Ow!" "That's my knee again!" "[Adam] Got ya." "Uh-uh-uh!" "[Jessie] Uh-uh!" "[I-ll] Not going that way." "[Jessie screams] [thud]" "[George] Ooo!" "[Tom] Wow... that hurt." "[Sam] Too old for this." "Here." "That'll teach you to mess with Tina." "Oh, and another thing..." "You can huff and you can puff, ...but you're never blowing this house down again!" "Game over." "You're not going to shoot me?" "Ah, that': you and Dad." "I'm with Lu." "I don't call dead animals art." "[Martin] Thanks for the gift buddy." "[Martin] Love you bro." "[Gordon] Can I get a towel or something?" "I think I chipped a tooth." "[Lu] It makes you look cool Gordy." "You'll live." "[Sam] Come here son." "Come here." "A little goofy, but what the hay." "Why not." "Did I just say, "What the hay?" --Why not." "[watch beeps]" "Uh-oh." "You guys." "We did it.Three days!" "We did the test.We did it!" "We made it!" "Come here, come here." "Let 'em do their thing." "[Tom] I'm proud of ya kid..." "I'm proud of ya." "J' uplifting instrumental music J'" "[Adam] Wait... wait." "[Adam] Check it out." "[Martin] Feels good out doesn't it?" "[Martin] There you go!" "And there was light!" "Merry Christmas!" "[Martin] Merry Christmas!" "Merry Christmas!" "Alright guys, get your coats on!" "Let's go get those dogs!" "[I-ll] Great... and get our phones." "Not so fast." "[Jackie] Better?" "[Martin] Much better!" "[Jackie] Down boy." "We have an audience." "[Martin] Oh, sorry." "Let's go!" "[Martin] Hey Jessie..." "I got a great idea!" "It's alright." "It's alright." "Dude, I got it." "Reality show.This is the one." "[Tom] Every week, we take a family, stick 'em in a house." "[Tom] Like this." "Come here.We stick 'em in a house for three days and we see what happens." "[children's choir sings "Jingle Bells"]" "[applause]" "J' Christmas music for credits J'" "[family arguing]" "Day two of the test and the McDonald family is done." "The eldest son Rob took a $5000 bribe and bolted after just day one." "The rest of the family did okay." "They actually completed two of six of the family chores." "Walking away with $13,500 out of a potential $100,000 cash prize." "I'm George Newcastle, and that that's Tom." "Until next time." "Do you know of a family that is in need of a reality check?" "Why not give them the 3 Day Test?" "Bye now." "That's it..." "We got it." "That's a wrap!" "[family yelling at Tom]" "[Tom] Somebody help me here!" "[Tom] It's not me... it's not me..." "it's him... it's him!" "Help me!" "[Tina] Hmm!" "[credits music continues]"