" STEPHEN:" "Bye, Mom." " MRS. PARKER:" "Goodbye, Son." "I'm so proud of you!" " Bye, Dad." " Take care, Steve-o." "Don't study too hard!" "(ENGINE SPUTTERING)" "(CRASHING)" "Andy!" "Yeah." "Yeah, I'm having a little car trouble." "(HONKING)" "Welcome to Bramson College." "(LAUGHING) Oh, no." " Andy!" "Jackie!" "Hello!" " Hey!" "Hey." "Steve, I'm so glad you're finally here!" " Hi!" " Steve-o!" "My main man!" " Together again!" " How are you?" " Great!" " Good." "Good." "Oh, no." "What's this scam?" "No scam." "Totally legit." "For the next 24 hours." "I got lucky in a card game." " And you're the driver?" " Waste not, want not." "Hop in." " Same old Andy." " Hey!" "Was that an insult?" "Wait until you see the pad!" "(PEOPLE CHATTERING)" "Party!" "Party!" "Party!" "Yeah!" "The furs here!" "Oh!" "It is that time again!" "Drink up!" "Drink up!" "ALL:" "Go!" "Go!" "Go!" "AND Y:" "Yeah!" "(BURPING)" "And the winner is Mr. Neanderthal!" "Way to go, love that shirt." "Okay, guess what?" "Party's over." "Time's up." "You only booked the place for three hours." "Let's go." "Who's got the cash?" "Home at last." "That's good!" "(HUMMING)" "STEPHEN:" "This place is unbelievable." "How do you guys get any studying done?" "JACKIE:" "Oh, we manage." "(MOANING)" "Perfect!" "Hey, we far from campus?" "JACKIE:" "It's just a short jog away." ""Make thee another self for love of me" ""That beauty still may live in thine, or thee"" "Well done, Stephen." "Thank you." "Steve, come over here." "You're moving really well for the volley." "Really good, okay?" "But I want you to get down a little bit lower." " Get down really low." " All right." "I need a lot of work on my game." "Hi!" " Hi." " Stephen Parker." " I haven't seen you here before." " Yeah, I just transferred." " Oh, great!" " Yeah, well..." "I'll try." " Hi, Coach." " Shelly, you're first up." "Okay, hang on a second." "HARRISON:" "Good backhand, Shelly!" "Hey, Parker." "What's going on?" "Let's get with it." " Hi." " Hi." " Are you okay?" " No..." "Notes." "Notes." "(STAMMERING) Biology notes." "You wanna borrow my biology notes?" "Mmm-hmm." "Okay, look, I'm in a hurry." "What's your name?" "Look, I got to run." "I'll give them to you next class?" "(STAMMERING) My..." "Oh, my God!" "My name!" "LUCCl:" "When we discuss the great English romantic poets, three names come to mind." "Byron, Keats, and..." "Can you name the third, Mr. Parker?" "Shelly?" "Correct." "Requests Unlimited." "We got what you need." "You want fifty penguins for your frat party?" "Okay." "Emperor or regular?" "Assorted." "That will cost mucho dinero." " Hi." " Hi, babe." "Hi, Brad." "Hi, I'm Stephen Parker." "Listen, if you want to catch your practice now, we gotta cruise." "Sorry, dude." "(STAMMERING) Biology notes." " Wilson, good." " Thanks." "Here, Parker." "Parker, that's your last double fault." "Get over here." "What do you think you're doing?" "Man, you're wasting my valuable time." "I mean, I want work!" "Hey!" "Look at me when I'm talking to you." "Do you want me to show you what work is?" "I'll show you what work is, okay?" "(SIGHING)" "STANLEY:" "Come on." "Come on, baby." "Come on, try harder." "Parker, that's it." "You're off the team." "(HONKING)" "Hi, Brad!" "Listen, little man, and listen good." "I'm telling you in a nice way." "You stay away from my woman." "(SPEAKING SPANISH)" "Yeah, I hear ya." "Heads up!" "You come here every day just to watch her?" "Andy, I'm in deep, man." "If I don't get close to this girl," "I am gonna blow everything." "Everything." "HARRISON:" "Good one." "My scholarship, my mind." "(SIGHING)" "(ANGELA SCREAMING)" "WOMAN:" "Oh, my God!" "Angela, are you all right?" "Angela!" "Are you okay?" "Don't move." "Somebody call an ambulance." "Damn." "Looks like one less player on the team." "Wait a second." "One less player." "STEPHEN:" "Andy, you're sick." "Yes." "Look, my schemes almost always work out." "I didn't get thrown out of three prep schools for nothing, you know?" "Actually, Stephen, I know it sounds totally insane, but the only way you're gonna get over Shelly is to get to know her." "It's a genius concept, and I'm only talking about trying it for something like a week." " Or a couple of days." " A week." "Look, it's not gonna take that long to find out that she's really nothing special, she's just an airhead, and then you can get back to real life." "Buddy, you are infected with true love." "This is your only cure." "The tennis tryouts are day after tomorrow." "No way." "You guys are out of your minds." "(SHELLY GIGGLING)" "Brad, is that all you ever think about?" "One week." "All right?" "Even if I get away with this without getting arrested, the best that can happen is we'll become girlfriends." "(CLEARS THROAT)" "Let's give this one a shot." "Stop staring at me." "I'm sorry." "You're very lucky." "You got the kind of face that can go both ways." "Let's try some makeup." "See?" "Jackie left a diagram." "Number one, foundation." "Number two, blusher for the little cheekbones..." "Stop." "(BURPING)" "Hey, watch it." "Girls don't do that." "They sip from a glass." "Like this." "(EX CLAIMING PRIMLY)" "Good." "And they take teeny, tiny bites." "Like this." "(LAUGHING)" "And they laugh like a canary." "Trilling up and down the scale." "Like this." "(HIGH PITCHED LAUGH)" "(HIGH PITCHED LAUGH)" "That's good." "Okay, check out the walk." "Hips sway." "Yeah." "Pelvis tilts." "And we sit with our ankles crossed." "And we smile seductively." "And we say things like," ""Oh, what a totally rad set of wheels."" "(HIGH PITCHED LAUGH)" ""Oh, what a totally rad set of wheels."" " That's it." " Very nice." "Who did you use for your role model?" "Queen Elizabeth?" "(HIGH PITCHED LAUGHTER)" "All right, let's get started." "First, the underwear." "You're not serious." "AND Y:" "What's he gonna put in it?" "I am so ahead of you." "(LAUGHING)" "That's my girl." "You think of everything." "(SIGHING)" " My legs feel bald." " Yeah, but they look great." " Can't we do this another day?" " Can't." "Today's the tennis tryouts." " So where do I go?" " Locker room to change, of course." "Which locker room?" "The girls' locker room?" " Where else?" " Oh, my God!" "Look, if anybody asks, you just say you're an exchange student from Switzerland." " Switzerland." " Yeah." " How do I look?" " Very, very good." "Good luck." "Excuse me." "(WHISTLING)" "Stephanie!" " Hey, Andy." " Yo, what's up?" "Think girl!" "(GIRLS CHATTERING)" "Are you looking for a locker?" "I think there's a free one down at the end there." "Thank you." "See you later." "Excuse me." " GIRL:" "Hi." " Hi." "Elsie Gonzalez." " Excuse me." " Sure." "Thank you." "HARRISON:" "Thanks a lot, Elsie." "Stephanie Brown." "Stephanie Brown." "That's you." "Stephanie Brown." "That's me." "Okay, Stephanie, let's see a few serves and a few backhands, okay?" "My racquet." "(GIRLS GIGGLING)" "Shit." "Okay, now show us your backhand." "Great." "Forehand." "GIRL:" "Oh, great." "She's weird, but she's terrific." "She's great!" " That's fine, Stephanie." " Thanks." "(GIRLS GIGGLING)" "I used to wear those things." "You'll get over it." "Tits are not everything." "Congratulations." "You made the team." "Thank you." "Nice work." "Come here." "Let's talk." "Where did you learn to play like that?" "STEPHEN:" "Oh, in the barrio." "(DIALING)" "GIRL 1:" "What do you think of the new girl?" "GIRL 2:" "She's amazing." "She's terrific." "Maxie." "Yeah." "It's me." "You know that nickel I laid on Bramson girls for Saturday?" "Can you lay off an extra grand?" "You made the team, we are into phase one." " So..." " Stephanie." "Hi." "I'm Shelly Anderson." " Ich know." " What?" "You do?" "(SPEAKING GERMAN)" "I watch you mit the tennis gespielen." "What?" "Stephanie, could I talk to you for a minute?" "Alone?" "Could you excuse us?" "(SPEAKING GERMAN)" "Nimrod." "Stop talking like a Wiener schnitzel." "You are an American exchange student." " Sorry." " It's okay." "Okay." "See you, Stephanie." "Bye." "So what were you saying?" "What happened to your accent?" "Oh, that's just a joke." "I was fooling..." "Well, I just..." "I wanted to welcome you to the team." "I thought your playing was intense." "Thanks." " I'm really jealous of you." " You are?" "Yeah, you have an incredible backhand." " Thanks." " It's one of my weak spots." "You don't seem to have too many." "No, it's true." "My backhand's terrible." "Forehand's pretty good." "You know something?" "We'd make a great doubles team." "What do you think?" "You and me, doubles team." " Sure." "Sounds good." " Great." " Let's go for coffee." "We can talk about it." " Okay." "So what are you majoring in?" "God, you're beautiful." "Huh?" "I'm just, I'm just one of those people who, you know, says exactly what they're thinking." "That's okay." "I think my ears are too big." "I'm really self-conscious about them." "But, hey, what are looks anyway?" "Everything." "That's my boyfriend, Brad." "Isn't he cute?" "Well, he certainly is large." " Hi, babe." " Hi, Brad." "Brad, this is Stephanie." "She just made the team." "She's an amazing tennis player." "Great." "Brad Wysnoski." "I know you from somewhere." "No." "No, I don't think so." "I think I'd remember." "So, beautiful." "I hear Angela's not coming back this semester." "Looks like you need a roommate." "Make me an offer." "Bradsky." "I don't know." "You know my dorm isn't co-ed." "I'd sneak out early, and you wake up smiling." "I don't know." "I think..." "I think I'd just feel more comfortable living with another girl." "You understand?" "Anyway, that's why I've asked Stephanie here to move in with me." "What?" "Right." "That's right." "You understand, don't you, babe?" "Yeah." "Sure." "Sure, yeah." "Catch you later." "See you, Stephanie." "Bye, Brad." "That was close." "You saved my life." "Glad I could help." "I mean, I love Brad and everything, but if we were in the same room, he'd be jumping my bones all the time." "We certainly wouldn't want that to happen, would we?" "Anyway, why don't you move in with me?" "I mean, that's not such a bad idea." "What do you say?" "Sure." "No problem." "Great." "Listen, I gotta run to class, so I'll see you at the dorm later on." " Okay." " Bye-bye." " What the hell are you doing?" " I'm packing." "I can see that." "Why?" " I'm moving in with her." " With who?" "I'm gonna be Shelly's new roommate." " How the hell did that happen?" " She asked me." "Oh, she asked you." "I see." "She asked you." "Why the hell did you say yes?" "Because she was smiling at me." "Hey, leave me alone, I'm going, man." "It's done." "Steve, you can't move into a girl's dorm." "You're a boy." "You have a wee-wee." "How are you going to explain morning hard-ons?" "Wet dreams?" "Humungous farts?" "You think Shelly's not gonna notice this?" "(SIGHING)" "Holy shit." "What have I done?" "Right." "What have you done?" "Stephanie's not even registered in the school." "Yeah, well, wait a minute." "This whole thing was your brainstorm." "Anyway, if I had said no to Shelly, as if I could say no to Shelly, she would've asked some other girl!" "Oh, my God." "What did I just say?" "Do you know you just packed your jockstrap?" "Andy, how am I going to do this?" "I need your help." "I'm taking off for an alien planet." "Hey, you guys." "What is going on?" "Jackie!" "Can I borrow a nightie?" "I think it stinks." "Come on, it's a piece of cake for an Einstein like you." "You know, they put people in jail for things like this." "Who are we harming?" "It's not the crime of the century." "All right, so what's the access code?" "Okay." "We're in." "Oh, before we start, could you bring up Shelly's file?" "3.8." "Yeah, some airhead." "This girl's an academic giant." "Okay, here's what I want you to enter." "Stephanie Brown." "Transferred from University of Geneva, Switzerland." "Two years on the tennis team." "Psych major." "And enroll her in those courses Shelly's taking." " Wait!" "Wait!" " Believe me." "It's the only way." "The more time you spend with her, the sooner you'll be cured." "Okay." "Welcome to Bramson College." "Would you like me to show you around?" "Cut the comedy, Jackie, you gotta help me pack." "You gotta make sure to throw a lot of female stuff in there, all right?" "You know, I like this." "This is really nice." "Can I borrow this?" "(DIALING)" "Maxie?" "Andy." "Listen up." "I wanna lay twenty grand on Bramson girls' tennis making number one." "What do you mean you can't?" "Come on, find a way to lay it off." "Of course I'm good for it." "(GIRLS CHATTERING)" "Hi." "I didn't know what time you were coming." " Well, here I am." " Well, welcome aboard." " I'm glad you're here." " Me, too." "All right, this is your bed." "You get the second and the bottom drawer, half the closet." "I have to study, so if you need anything, let me know, okay?" "Sure will." "(PHONE RINGING)" "Hello?" "Hi, Brad." "No, I had a great time." "No, I can't go out tonight." "I have to study." "Of course I love you." "There's a lot of you to love." "Yeah, she just got here." "That's a good..." "Hold on." "Hey, Stef, do you wanna go out with one of Brad's friends?" "Super?" "Yeah, it's cool with her." "Okay, you set it up." "Sure, I'll talk to you later." "Bye." "(KNOCKING ON DOOR)" " Come in." " Hi, kiddies." "Hi, Carla." "This is Stephanie, my new room- and tennis-mate." "Hi, welcome!" "I love your earrings." "Where did you get them?" "SHELLY:" "You going out tonight?" "Would you believe it?" "That demigod Mitch finally calls me." "And of course it's right before my goddamn period!" "Everything's sore, and if he touches my breasts," "I'll go right through the roof." "This damn PMS." "Do you ever get it?" "Me?" "PMS?" " Every now and then." " Well, how do you deal with it?" "Soak my feet in Epsom salts." "Hmm." "Interesting." "Well, I'll see you crazy kids later." " Thanks for the tip, Stephanie." " Bye-bye." " Bye-bye." " Bye-bye." "(DOOR CLOSING)" "Hey, Shelly, I think we have the same major." " Psych?" " Yes." "Great." "Then we can study together." "Uh-huh." "You know what?" "I'm too tired to do this right now." "I think I'm just gonna go to bed." " Do you want the bathroom first?" " No, no." "Ladies first." "(GIGGLING)" "(ALARM BUZZING)" "What time is it?" " 6:00 a.m." " What?" "Why?" "I always jog before class." "(SIGHING)" "Andy!" "(BOTH EX CLAIMING)" "Andy, you gotta help me." "Who am I?" "Where am I going?" "Would you mind getting the hell out of here and giving us about 10 more minutes?" "You guys can finish that stuff later, all right?" "Oh, well, Dr. Frankenstein, go take care of your monster." "Okay." "You're supposed to take that stuff off at night, bonehead." "You look like Tammy Faye Bakker." "All right." "If it's Monday, it's Stephen in European History, followed by Stephanie in Social Psychology." "Lunch." "Stephanie in Behaviorism," "Stephen in English Lit." "Now is this for today or is this the whole month?" "Chill." "You get used to it." "Trust me." "Yeah, that's right." "You didn't get kicked out of three prep schools for nothing, right?" "Leave." "Go." " Oh." "Sorry!" "Can I take this?" " It's yours." "(ALARM RINGING)" "What are you doing?" " STEPHEN:" "Jog." " God, you're a fanatic." "(TEACHER CHATTERING)" "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, and two, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, and inale, arms above your head," "exhale, release." "Thank you." "(GIRLS APPLAUDING)" "Stephanie, this is for you." "It's the form for your physical." " My what?" " Your physical." "All the new girls on the team have to have a clean bill of health." "I know." "Nobody likes doctors." "I am totally sore." "I'm gonna take a shower, and then I think we should study for that psych test." "AND Y:" "Yo, Steve-o." "Life's good in candy land?" "No, things are not good." "We have a very serious prob..." "Promise." "Yes." "Mom, I promise I'll write more." "Really." "Give my love to Daddy." "Kiss, kiss." "Bye-bye." "That's Mommy." "My mom does the same thing." "She can't let go." " We ought to go over this stuff." " Yeah." "Would you do me a favor?" "Would you mind putting some of this on my shoulder?" "Sure." "Be glad to." "All right." "Child Development." "Oh!" "Brad's fixed up that date with his friend Stanley." "Date?" "Wait, wait." "What date?" "I can't go on any date." "Why not?" "I just broke up with someone, and I'm having a hard time getting over her..." "Him." "You know?" "Here?" "Okay." "Shelly?" "Hmm?" "How long have you been seeing this Brad?" "About a semester." "You guys really get along?" "Hmm." "Hmm?" "What?" "(SIGHING)" "Brad's..." "Brad's what?" "Brad's a bit..." " A bit..." " Aggressive." "I mean, he practically rapes me." "The thing is," "I don't really enjoy sex that much." "I guess that makes me kind of a freak, right?" "Let's get back to psych." "Shelly, it's not you, it's him." "You see, if a man really wanted to make love to you, well, he'd treat you like you were the last meal on Earth." "He would know just where to touch you." "Just how you like to be touched." "And he'd kiss you all over until you felt as if a warm honey pot had just exploded." "Oh, I'm sorry." "Sorry." " I think that's enough lotion." " Yes." "Do you want me to put some on your back?" "(STAMMERING) No, no, no." "No, I..." "I have to go." "I've got..." "I have some books that are due at the library and I should return them, you know." "And I'll study later." "Ta-ta." "I can't get the door." "Bye." "(PHONE RINGING)" "Requests Unlimited, how may I serve you?" "Andy, cut the shit." "We gotta talk." "Gee, this is a big order." "What was that again?" "Ten pages on class distinctions in the Middle Ages for Friday." "That's a rush job," "I'm going to have to add another 20%, making it $480." "Okay, no problem, you got it." "Okay, Andy, listen to me." "We have a very serious, serious problem." "Okay, okay." "Jackie, who do we got for the Middle Ages?" "JACKIE:" "That Russian guy from Harvard, Vladimir Mishkin." " Andy!" "For Christ's sake..." " Okay, okay." "Jackie, call Mishkin and tell him I had to take a cut in my usual fee." "I can only pay him a hundred bucks." "How do you live with yourself?" "Hey, I am a business major!" "I learned all this stuff in class!" "I want you to learn this, all right?" "You forgot one detail in your brilliant scheme." "Stephanie has to take a physical." "Holy shit." "I gotta concentrate." " STEPHEN:" "Andy!" "Listen!" " Relax, Steve-o." "You go to the appointment tomorrow, Andy here will take care of the rest." "Trust me." "(CLEARING THROAT) All right." "Who's next?" " Stephanie Brown." " Yes." "All right." "Come along, Miss Brown." "Have you filled out your medical history?" " Yes, I have." " All right, just let me take a look at it here." "And you take this and go back there and change, all right?" "Change?" "Yes, take off all of your clothes, just go on back there." "Oh, Doctor, do you think that this is necessary?" "I'm in perfect health." "There is no need to be shy." "I've seen thousands of naked women." "Well, it's you that I'm worried about." "I have a rash, and it might be contagious." "I see." "Well, we've got a lot of patients waiting out there, so if you..." "Doctor, I'm sorry." "I can't allow you to examine me." "It's against my religion." " Your religion?" " Yes." "Well, what religion is that?" "Well, I'm a Swissurrectionist..." "A Resurrectionist." "(EX CLAIMS)" "Well, I don't care if you are a Belgian waffle." "I have to give you a examination." "And I would like to get to lunch before Christmas, all right?" "(CLEARING THROAT)" "Andy." "Andy." "Jackie?" "Mommy!" "All right, Miss Brown, if you just sit down here." "Right here." "All right, would you open your mouth, please?" "A little wider." "All right." "Now, put your feet in the stirrups, please." "I've got to examine you internally." "All right." "Now, just relax." "All right." "Okay." "You don't understand, it's a matter of life and death!" "Doctor, I'm from the Seismic Institute of Technology." " The man from S.I.T." " What the hell are you talking about?" "I told him, "You can't be in here when the doctor is with a patient!"" "There's been an earthquake alert, and this building is structurally unsound!" "What are you, some kind of crazy man?" "Get the hell out of here!" " Did you feel that?" "We just had a tremor!" " I felt it!" "I felt it!" "He was doing it on purpose." "Didrt you see that?" "I did not!" "Look!" "A crack!" "(SCREAMING)" "The ceiling's coming down!" "My God!" "Doctor, the ceiling's coming down!" "The ceiling's coming down!" "DOCTOR:" "Get somebody in here..." "Maniac in here..." "Pervert!" "Doctor, this patient is in mortal danger unless she is evacuated immediately!" " She's gonna be fatally killed!" " Fatally killed?" "What kind of sexual perversions are being perpetrated against this young woman?" "I may have to report you!" "All right, you with the orange hat from S.I.T. Get out of here, all right?" "And you, too, get out." "I can't conduct a proper examination like this." "I can't!" "My foot is stuck!" "Why didn't you take your shoe off in the first place?" "Doctor, I really need that form signed for the coach!" "All right, all right." "There's your form, now get out of here!" "Both of you!" "I don't wanna stick around for the aftershock!" "SHELLY:" "Good shot!" "HARRISON:" "Candice, Natasha, you're up!" " Good workout!" " Thanks." " I don't get it." " What?" "Your strength when you hit the ball." "Look, are you on steroids?" "(GIGGLING)" "Oh, what a totally rad bracelet!" "There's something really strange about you." "Hi." "We gotta hurry up and get over to Carla's for Beauty Night." "For what?" " Come on, it'll be fun." " Where are we going?" "Don't burn yourself." "Come on, come on, come on, we're late." "We gotta get you ready for your big date." "Shelly, about that date..." " SHELLY:" "Hi, guys." " Finally!" " Sorry we're late." " Hi." "Let's get started." "So what is this that you all do on Beauty Night?" "We give each other facials." "You should try it." "It might help." "No, thank you." "Come on, Stephanie." "We all do it." "First, we have to open up all those nasty little pores." "Excuse me..." "Shelly?" "SHELLY:" "Okay, Steffy, now!" "(GASPING)" "What?" "(EX CLAIMING)" "That's freezing!" " Nurse?" " Yes, Doctor?" " Tweezers." " CARLA:" "Tweezers." "What's going on?" "Those eyebrows need some serious thinning." "You're gonna pull hairs out of my face without anesthesia?" "You're gonna be beautiful." "(EX CLAIMING)" "I think that's enough." "Really." "You know what?" "You have an awful lot of fuzz around your upper lip." "We need to remove that with some hot wax." "I don't..." "I don't think that's such a good idea." "GIRL:" "Now look, it's not gonna hurt a bit!" "Besides, don't you want the guys to think you're hot?" " No." " No?" "No." "I mean..." "I... (STAMMERING) I would like a guy to like me for what's inside." "Boy, you do not know anything about guys, do you?" "Jesus." " Okay, I think this is about hard." " So?" "So this." "(SHRIEKS)" "This weather sucks." "Hey, Stephanie, did you bring these clouds with you from Switzerland?" "Come on, Brad, let's just make the best of it, okay?" "I don't know, you know." "I think it's kind of romantic." " Where's the beer?" " Yeah, where is the brew?" "Oh, hey, hey." "You're sitting on it." "(GIGGLING)" "You are a hefty little bundle, aren't you?" "Oh, please, put me down, please, ground level, please." "Oh, I don't wanna be touched!" "Not this time of the month!" "I have MSG..." "PMS!" "SHELLY:" "Brad!" "Excuse me." " Shelly?" " Why don't you two go for a walk?" "Yeah, come on, Stephanie, you'll feel better, come on." "Stanley, not on the first date!" "Let's jog!" "(SCREAMING)" "SHELLY:" "Stephanie, are you in there?" "Hi." "Taking a late bath, huh?" " Yes." " Well, your bubbles are fading." " They are?" "They are." " Yeah." "Let me see that." "You're all wrinkled up." "It's time to get out." "(SQUEAKING)" "I was meditating." "I must have fallen asleep." "You just pulled my plug!" "Right." "You've been in there for hours." "It's my turn." " Okay." " Let me get my robe." "Bye." "(SQUEAKING)" "You know, Stef, I'm starting to think Brad was a real mistake." "We really don't have that much in common." "What about you?" "Are you gonna see Stanley again?" "No." "He's not my type." "You're still hung up on that guy you broke up with." "I guess so." "He must have been really hot." "Yes, he was." "He was." "He was incredible." "He was amazing." " Was he Swiss?" " No, he's an American." "In fact, he goes to school right here." " What's his name?" " Stephen Parker." "Stephen Parker?" "I think..." "I think he's in my biology class." "Cute, brown hair." " You think he's cute?" " Yeah." "Why did you break up?" "(EX CLAIMS)" "A man like that..." "His spirit is wild and unknowable." "We had a brief, passionate romance, and he was gone." "I always thought of him as something out of Lord Byron." "Mad, bad, and dangerous to know." "He sees deeply into a woman, and then he gives her exactly what she needs." "I wish Brad were a little more like that." "No, you're better off with good old Brad." "So how was it tonight?" "Was it better?" " Yeah." " Good." "Listen, I don't..." "I don't wanna bore you with the details." "I'm just gonna say goodnight." "Okay." "Sweet dreams." " Stephen, hi." " Hi." " I'm Shelly Anderson." " I know." " So, how've you been?" " I've been keeping busy." "Right." "I'm..." "I'm rooming with an old friend of yours, Stephanie Brown?" " Oh." "How is she?" " Great!" "Yeah, I like her a lot." "Yeah, me, too." "She's a good egg." "She's spoken about you so much, I feel like I almost know you." "Good things." "(SIGHING)" "Well, since we almost know each other, what do you say we go out sometime?" "Okay." "When?" "Friday?" "Say, like, I meet you at 4:00 outside the library?" "That sounds good." "I'll..." "I'll see you then?" "Yes." "See you then." "Bye." "Yeah!" "Hi." "Are you okay?" "No, I'm not." "We need to talk." " Oh?" " It's just that..." "Well, I think friends should be totally upfront with each other." "No secrets, no lies." "And..." "I'm afraid I've taken advantage of you." "Are you all right?" "Yeah." "I'm fine." "Fine." "I don't understand." "I made a date with Stephen Parker." "So?" "What's wrong with that?" "I mean, he seemed to mean so much to you, so if it's gonna bum you out, I'll call him right now and cancel." "No, no, no, no, no." "No." "No, don't do that." "Don't." "Okay?" "I'm over him." "Really." "I want you two to have a good time together." "You're a nice person." "No, I'm not." " Sorry I'm late." " That's okay." "Are you ready?" "What's in there?" "It's just a little surprise." "Come on, we got dinner reservations." "Regardez, le flower." "Okay." "(FRENCH ACCENT) We have the chicken!" "(SPEAKING FRENCH)" "Very good." "Asparagus vinaigrette." "And, last, but certainly not least, le vino." "Do you drink?" "I'm impressed." "Where did you get all this?" "Well, I got a friend who's in the catering business, among other things." "Most of my dates are junk food and beer." "Well, I think that you're won'th more than that." "And I think you're very sweet." "Cheers." "My father started me in tennis when I was about eight." " STEPHEN:" "Uh-huh." " Our whole family plays." " You should see my grandmother." " Is she good?" "She's a killer." "So that's where you get your forehand, huh?" "So..." " Here we are." " Stephen, I had a great time." "Me, too." "You're just full of surprises." "I've got one more." "Close your eyes." "Close your eyes." "I can't ask you up." "My roommate's up there." "No, she's..." "Right." "I understand." " Something to look forward to?" " Yeah." "Thanks." "(EX CLAIMS)" "Shelly, I think..." "Shelly, I know..." "Shelly, I'm leaving Bramson College." "Shelly, I'm very sorry, I just..." "I have to leave." "It's come up very sudden." "I think it's just best that we just say goodbye right now." "I have to go back to Switzerland right away." "Yes, I'm going back to school." "(STEPHEN URINATING)" " Stephanie?" " Shit!" " What the fuck is that?" " What?" "(LAUGHING) Oh, this?" "It's a trick." "A trick?" "Who the hell are you?" " Come out of there right now." " Well, I can't just stop." "Just put that thing away and come out of there right now." "Okay." "Oh, Jesus." "(TOILET FLUSHING)" " I know that this looks bad." " What the hell is going on?" "Who are you?" "Stephen Parker." "Oh, my God." "What are you doing here?" "Shelly, you..." "You did ask me to be your roommate." "Oh, no, this isn't happening." "You're sick, you need help." "No, I love you." "I love you, I'm in love with you." "That's..." "That's what this is about, so I could get close to you." "By lying to me?" "No, I didn't mean to hurt you." "Oh, my God, I've told you everything about myself." "And you've seen me nude, you played with me like I was a little toy." "No." "No." "I degraded and humiliated myself just so I could be near you!" "Come on, I love you!" "Now would Brad wear a brassiere for you?" "Just get out!" "Just get out!" "Oh, God!" "(DOOR SLAMMING)" "(DOORBELL RINGING)" " Hi, Andy." " Hi, Mr. Parker, Mrs. Parker." "How are you?" "Oh, we're just fine!" "We just thought we'd surprise Stephen." "We haven't heard from him for a while." "Oh, well, he's..." "He's not here right now." "Well, is it okay if we just come in and wait for him?" "Yeah, sure!" "Come on in." " How you doing?" " Oh, I'm okay." "So I say, "You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose," ""but you cannot wipe your friends on your sleeve."" "(ALL LAUGHING)" "Mom, Dad." "Stevie?" "What a surprise." "I wish you'd have told me you were coming over." "I..." "What the heck is going on here?" "I..." " Hey, buddy." "How'd the audition go?" " Audition?" "Yeah, for the Varsity Follies." "How'd they like the costume?" "Oh, got you..." "Got it..." "I got it..." "I got the part." "Yeah, I got the part." "I'm not gonna do it, though." "I have no interest in playing a girl." "It's pretty disgusting." "Yeah, in fact, it was a stupid idea to begin with." "And I'm through with it." "Hold on a second." " You mean..." " Yes, that's right, genius, the game is over." "I've been exposed, so to speak." "This is harsh news." "This is very harsh news." "Oh, I know just how you feel, dear." "But maybe there's another part in the play that you could do." "You really had me going there for a minute, Son." "I thought you'd turned into one of those transistors." "Listen, honey, we wanna take you out to lunch and hear about everything that's been going on in your life." "Good." "Let's do that." " I just loved that restaurant." " Yeah, it was nice." "Except for the food." "(CAR HORN BLOWING)" "So how your classes going?" "Keeping your grades up?" "STEPHEN:" "Yeah." "Yeah, nothing to worry about." "Hey, oh, my God." "You know, I gotta study." " Come on, Mom." "I'm really late." " You wanna go?" " I can't get in this way." " I gotta study." " I can't get in the car this way." " Come on." " Just slide across, son." " STEPHEN:" "Come on, Dad, let's go." "MR. PARKER:" "Watch your dress." " There you go, Mom." " Watch your dress in the back." "STEPHEN:" "Come on, Dad." "I wanna hear about Grandpa." "STEPHEN:" "Hey, guys, I'm home." "So what happened?" "Well..." "Folks left, and I went to O'Reilly's." "I mean, what happened with Shelly?" "(LAUGHING) Oh, that." "Yeah, that." "Oh, that's over." "I mean, it's finished." "The end." "Hey, she..." "She caught me with my pants down." "(STAMMERING) I..." "My Venus saw my penis." "And the damn thing's come between us." "I'm a genius." "Some genius." "You only wrecked the whole plan." "(LAUGHING)" "So?" "It's no skin off your nose." "Game, set, match." "Wilson." " Good game." " Good game." "Great, thanks." "It's okay, it's okay." "Don't worry about it." "You did your best." "Shelly, where is your roommate?" "We really could have used her out here today." "Stephanie had an illness in her family." "She had to go home." "An illness in the family?" "Do you know if she's planning on making it to the final match against Filmore?" "I wish I knew." "Stephen Parker, I don't see your paper here." "I was hoping that I could ask you for an extension." "The paper's done, I just need little a time to give it a tune-up." "(ALL LAUGHING)" "Stephen, I have to talk to you." "The rest of you can go." "(ALL CHATTERING)" "Stephen, you are a big disappointment to me." "Anyway, if you wanna keep that scholarship, you have to get a 3.3 average, and I want that paper on my desk day after tomorrow." " Professor Lucci, I need more time." " The day after tomorrow." "Right." "You know, my lit paper is due tomorrow, after my history exam, and I don't even have a topic." "So, why don't you just buy a paper from Andy?" "I'm sure he'll give you a discount." " No, no, thank you." "That's not my style." " Well, did you at least read the books?" "Yeah, I read the books." "Dickens' David Copperfield, Great Expectations." "Orphans!" "Wait a minute!" "All of those guys were orphans!" "Stephanie got an A on a psych paper about orphans." "(EX CLAIMING)" "(STAMMERING) I can make..." "I can make a few adjustments and..." "Stephanie, baby!" "You saved my ass!" " Hi there." " Oh, hi, Carla." "What's going on?" "How did you know my name?" "Oh, I guess you guys must talk about me, huh?" "Just a little bit." "I never knew you'd ask." "Listen, Carla, it was nice to meet you, but I really gotta go." "Oh, me, too." "You know what, I'm starving." "You wanna go get some pizza?" "Some other time, okay?" "I gotta go." "Shelly, before you run away..." "Stephen, I'm glad you're here." "I wanna talk to you." " Oh?" " Yeah." "I want Stephanie back." "(STAMMERING) Wait a minute." "Wait a minute." "Stephanie?" "What do you mean, Stephanie?" " What about Stephen?" " Just forget Stephen." "I want Stephanie back because we need her for the tennis team." " It's you I threw out." "Stephanie can stay." " That doesn't make sense." "Look, you made a total idiot out of me, and I'll never forgive you for that." "Shelly..." "But the fact is that we can't win the championship without Stephanie, and I don't think it's fair for you to let the whole team down because your little joke on me backfired." "(SOBBING)" "You miss me, don't you?" " No." " Well, I think you're lying." "No." "I..." "Maybe I miss Stephanie a little bit." "Will you listen to yourself?" "Listen to that." "Hey, look at me." "There's only one me, Stephen Parker." "Me." "And Stephanie is right here." "Yo, Shelly." "What're you doing here?" "I was waiting for you inside." "Great." "Make room for the Incredible Bulk." "Brad." "What's wrong?" "Is it you again?" "Hey, Brad, you know, relax, man." "She's just a little bit upset because her roommate, Stephanie, left." "And she's never coming back." "All right." "Turtle face is gone." "Well, it looks like it gives me another chance." "Come on, gorgeous." "What do you say?" "Let me be your roommate." "Hey, you know, that's really..." "That's really a good idea." "It really is, and you'd wake up smiling." "Go get 'em, sexy." "You know, I'm gonna get that little jerkoff." "So what do you say, babe?" "Can I pack my bags and bring them over?" "Oh, Brad, leave me alone." "You know, what's your problem?" "You've been so moody lately." "You!" "You're my problem!" "Why don't you just get out of my face?" "Oh, Brad." "I was just gonna go get something to eat." "What's your favorite kind of pizza?" " Extra large." " What a coincidence." "BOY:" "Seven and three-quarters." "Hold that end." "I think it's okay." "GIRL:" "That looks good." "Nice sleeves on there." "Do you know, Bramson girls' tennis got creamed yesterday." " So?" " So?" "Don't you feel a little bummed about that?" "There's nothing I can do about it." "Bramson could win the championship if Stephanie played the final match against Filmore." "File it." "I've lost interest in tennis, all right?" "What about Shelly?" "Well, you may not believe it, but I've lost interest in her, too." "You're right." "I don't believe it." "What can I tell you?" "I'm cured." "(IN A SOUTHERN ACCENT) Hallelujah!" "I'm a born-again student!" "I've been healed, and here is the proof." "The moment of truth, the moment we've all been waiting for." "And the winners are..." "European history, Stephen Parker with a B+." "All right!" "Great going!" "Economics, Stephen Parker with an A-." "(WHISTLING)" "English Lit, Stephen Parker with a grade still pending?" "What does that mean?" "Listen, I'm..." "I'm serious about Stephanie playing that match." "I mean, she's gotta play." "We can't win without her." "I mean, where's your school spirit?" "School spirit?" "What's with you?" "What's with me?" "I'm gonna tell you what's with me." "There's a bookie who's gonna take every dime I have if we lose." "Plus, a few dimes I don't have and maybe a couple of fingers." "You son of a bitch." "You cold-blooded, manipulating prick!" " Okay." "Hold on." " That's what this whole thing was about?" "You turned me into a girl so you can turn a profit?" "Andy, I thought you were trying to help me." "I should have known better." "You're wrong." "At first I was trying to help you." "Help me what?" "Become a lying, sneaking pinworm like yourself?" " I bet she was in on it, too." " I didn't know anything about a bet." "She really didn't." "There are a few more days left in school, right?" "I don't wanna see you, or you, or hear from either one of you." "You understand me?" "What's this?" "Shit!" "Hey, look, why don't you just leave that alone?" "You've already caused enough trouble." ""Dear Mr. Parker." "This is to inform you" ""that you are being brought up on charges of plagiarism." ""You handed in an English paper that closely resembles a psychology paper" ""written by a Stephanie Brown." ""The Student Judiciary Committee will hear your case tomorrow" ""at 2:30 p.m. In my office." ""You will both get a chance to defend yourselves."" "Signed, James Butler, Dean of Students." "(SIGHING)" "Be seated." " Stephen, you know the charges, hmm?" " Yes, sir." "Do you have any explanation?" "Sir, all I can tell you is that I wrote that paper." "Every single word of that by myself." "Well, unfortunately, we haven't been able to locate this Miss Stephanie Brown." "I'm afraid I'm going to have to put you under suspension until I can question her." "Well, sir, I mean, if you put me on suspension, I'm gonna lose my scholarship." "(KNOCKING ON DOOR)" "MAN:" "I'm sorry, Miss." "You can't go in there." "AND Y:" "You don't understand." "I must go in there!" "It's a matter of life and death!" "What's going on?" "Dean Butler, I'm Stephanie Brown, and I'd like a chance to speak." "All right." "Wait a second." "I've seen Stephanie play tennis and that doesn't look like Stephanie Brown." "Steffy, how about a hug for your roommate?" "I'm so glad you're back." " Well, maybe the sun was in my eyes." " Let's settle down, please." "Please." "All right, Stephanie." "Do you realize why you're here?" "Yes, I wanna set the record straight." "I copied Stephers paper." "I was sitting next to him in the library, and he asked me to watch his things while he went out to get some lunch." "Do you realize you can be expelled for this?" "Yes, but I didn't want Stephen to get in trouble because I'm a lying, sneaking pinworm." "Stephanie, what you did is very serious." "Do you understand?" "But I have to say I admire your courage in speaking up." "I'm going to have to think about this and I'll let you know my decision." "Obviously, Stephen, charges are dismissed." "Thank you." "Well, gotta go." "Wait, Stef." "Thank you, everybody." "Hearing's dismissed." "(BANGS GAVEL)" " Stephen, it was an excellent paper." " Thank you very much, Professor Lucci." " I'm sorry I mistrusted you." " Well, no hard feelings." "Okay." " Are you satisfied?" " LUCCl:" "Yes, I am." "MAN:" "Let's go..." "(SPECTATORS APPLAUDING)" "Quiet, please." " I knew you would enjoy this." " I am, it's exciting." "Look, this third match is..." "Quiet, please." "And now, the deciding match." "Playing for Filmore, Laura Adams and Greta Shmidt." "Oh, my God." " Well, she's kind of tall, isn't she?" " She could play doubles by herself." "I told you those tennis chicks are bad news." "Now, Brad." "Not Stephanie, man." "Stephanie was special." " I can't watch." " Stop worrying." "It's only money." "Yeah!" "Stephanie!" "Stephanie!" " Stephanie!" " Stephanie!" " Stephanie!" " Stephanie!" " Stephanie!" " Stephanie!" " Stephanie!" " Stephanie!" " Stephanie!" " Stephanie!" " Stephanie!" " Stephanie!" " Stephanie!" " Stephanie!" " Stephanie!" " Stephanie!" " Stephanie!" " Stephanie!" "(ALL CHEERING)" " Stephanie!" " Stephanie!" "Stephanie, what are you doing here?" "I love you, Shelly." "I love you, too." "Come on, let's go kick some ass." "I'm so happy I could shit!" "STEPHEN:" "It's okay." "It's okay." "(ALL CHEERING)" "Quiet, please." "(ALL CHEERING)" "(ALL CHEERING)" "Pretty good, huh?" "Those Bramson girls are very impressive." "Anderson and Brown." "I'm glad to hear it." "Let me introduce myself." "I'm Andy Rozelli, I'm from Rozelli Industries." "I happen to be their manager." "My name's Ellis Crawford." "I'm with the Womers International Tennis Circuit." "I'd like to talk to you about signing your two clients to play professionally." "Well, I would be very happy to discuss any reasonable offer." "That's yours." "Take it, take it, put it away." "Yeah!" "UMPIRE:" "Game, set match, Bramson." "(ALL CHEERING)" "Yeah!"