"Ever since the *** burned down, the crabshack was Camden's best place to have a welcome home from prison party." "but you had to get there early to claim the pool table." "hey earl, drinky drinky." "I made some eggnog," "it's not eggnog." "It's just margarita with an egg in it." "sure felt good to be out of prison, there was just one problem." "prison wasn't quite out of me." "hey,earl,I'm glad you got out in time for christmas." "Yeah,me,too." "I picked the leader of the skinheads as my secret santa." "And what do you get for the guy who hates everything?" "Oh, Earl, I meant to tell you this, but I was unconscious for the last 15 minutes." "But I got your list back from the prison property department." "You may want to add "broke randy's nose" to it." "Man,it must feel good to have the list back." "Like linus getting his blanket back." "Of course,he's probably grown up now with kids of his own." "Now he's the one going "wah,wah,wah,wah,wah,wah."" "Yeah,yeah,it's,uh." "it's good to see this again." "I said I felt good, but truth be told, I wasn't sure how I felt." "You see,it was doing a good thing for joy that got me thrown in prison." "Then,doing good things in prison eventually got me thrown in the hole." "In fact,the only reason I got out of prison was 'cause I was in the middle of doing something bad." "After everything that happened,karma had me pretty confused." "What number are you going to do next,earl?" "I don't know,I think maybe i need to get settled first, you know,get my life back in order." "I thought I'd feel better once I got back in our old motel room, but unfortunately the mayor decided to start a new christmas tradition-- hiding the homeless for the holidays." "Whoa,check it out!" "Gary's white!" "Turns out there was only one room left." "To get my life back on track,I needed a job." "Unfortunately there was only one business in town that would hire ex-cons." "So I was the new delivery guy for the camden foreign food restaurant." "Damn it,randy,you said you secured ser lo mein." "You know,for the guy who gets to wear the costume and ring all the doorbells, you sure are grouchy." "Let's just get this over with." "Ralph?" "Actually,it's stan johansen." "ralph's life had taken a few interesting turns since he hopped over the prison wall six months ago." "He was so desperate to get away from that prison, he got in the first car that would pick up a man with no pants." "O-oh,my god,h-hop in." "All right." "And to make you more comfortable,I'll take off my shirt." "Stop the car." "Stop the car!" "You're lucky i can't drive a stick or I'd kick your ass and take your car,pervert!" "And if you tell anybody what we did,I'll kill you!" "Ralph was getting more and more desperate as the days wore on." "But don't ask me what I think of you I might not give the answer that you want me to." "until finally, he saw a way out." "Oh,my." "You look like you could use some pants." "What good eyes you have,grandma." "Well,come on in,young man." "Lucky for ralph,doris was one of those widows that never threw out her dead husband's clothes." "sweet coke bottles." "Stan?" "Stan,is that you?" "Sure it is,sweetie pie." "It's stan." "Who else would it be?" "Oh,stanley!" "Hey,what's my atm number again?" "oh,I got it made,buddy." "Every wednesday,I get my pension check, plus he died with a fully stocked medicine chest." "I don't know what "E.D."Is, but you won't believe what those pills do." "I don't believe this." "We're living in a laundry room." "Everything okay in here,stan?" "Oh,yeah,sugar plum." "Just my food being delivered." "She gets a little nervous when there's strange men in the house." "I can't even take off my glasses or she freaks out." "Oh!" "I love you." "Okay,you guys gotta get out of here." "I gotta eat,then I gotta give doris her bath." "It ain't all peaches and cream." "I was starting to feel more like life on the outside was worse than it was in prison." "What's the matter,earl?" "Consuela's farting keeping you up,too?" "This sucks,randy." "I'm an ex-con,I'm broke." "I got a crappy job." "It's okay, Earl,don't be sad." "We've lived on floors before." "Not after I spent two years of my life doing good things, we haven't." "Randy." "things were supposed to be better than this by now." "Hey,maybe you should go ahead and do something on your list." "That always makes you feel better." "I don't know." "Fine,I'll pick something." "Here's a good one: #205:" "Ruined club chubby's mistletoe." "I like it, it's christmassy." "A couple years ago,randy had stolen what he thought was a laser gun, but ended up just being a laser pointer." "It's still fun though." "It's like having a tiny green hand I can put wherever I want." "Put your hands together for mistletoe!" "you son of a bitch,that was you?" "They had to fuse my spine." "I got to wear this thing for two more years." "Listen,I said I was sorry,so." "no,you didn'T." "Well,whatever." "It's implied.I'm here,aren't I?" "Earl, maybe you forgot in prison, but usually when you talk to people on the list, you use your nice guy voice." "I told you,I wasn't ready for this." "I had a quarter wedged in this thing for over a year and I can't get the damn thing out." "That sucks." "I've had a candy corn stuck in my ear since I was nine." "Sometimes it attracts ants." "Okay,life's rough." "Things get stuck places." "We can all agree on that." "Anyway,like I was saying,I got this list, to cross you off i need to do something to make it up to you somehow,so what can I do?" "I get to p?" "Yeah,if you calm down a little bit." "I'm not going to let you pick while you're pissed." "It's like letting you go grocery shopping hungry." "I didn't wanna do what Mistletoe chose but I was trying to get my life back on track and my last hope was the list." "Come on baby, spin up!" "What are you doin' Earl!" "your next shift is about to... hey you're smokin'." "Why are you smokin'?" "Quitting was on your list." "i'm smokin coz some old Texan dude just offered to buy me a boob job..." "It's a little stressful, ok!" "... if it makes you feel any better, Mistletoe seems like she is a lot happier..." "I can see spring in her step" "Randy, that's caoused by an actual spring... hey, good buddy what's goin' on.." "Look what I've found in Doris's garage!" "it's sweet, huh!" "Rock'n roll..." "For the second time today, let's put your hands together for earl hickey!" "Come on,we're leaving." "What?" "Why?" "What about mistletoe?" "What about the list?" "I'm not doing it anymore." "That's right." "I'm finished with the list." "You can'T." "Something bad might happen." "Oh,really?" "Ralph's an escaped convict who's stealing from an old lady." "Nothing bad is happening to him." "I'm pretty sure this karma stuff doesn't really exist." "I mean,think about it randy." "I got the whole idea from carson daly, for god's sakes." "He's a talk show host,who's on after two other talk show hosts." "What does that tell you?" "Randy,look how many things i crossed off." "What do I have to show for it?" "Nothing." "If karma was real,I'd have something good by now." "Where's my good thing,randy?" "Where's my good thing?" "Okay." "I had given up my list,and it was no surprise my friends had a strong reaction." "Oh,he's back,my baby's back and he's bad again!" "Stan?" "Just going to dialysis,schnookems.Don't wait up." "I hope you're here to dance,earl hickey." "Yeah,uh,that's not going to happen." "I kind of lost the list,for good." "Well,hey,catalina señorita." "Oh,now that's tight." "No jiggle there." "I slapped that one over there about ten minutes ago,and look, she's still wiggling." "Oh,ralph,you're so crazy." "Damn,girl." "He just did it." "But you're a better person than him." "I don't expect that kind of thing from you." "Well,I'm sick of people expecting more from me." "How come I always have to act better than everyone else?" "I expect you to act like a friend,not a jerk." "I don't like the new earl hickey." "I'm not the new earl hickey,I'm the old earl hickey." "You just never met him." "Even though we weren't too popular with catalina, some of her coworkers found us amusing." "We just needed a place to take them." "Lucky for us,I knew joy and darnell had taken the kids to see her parents in nathanville and wouldn't be back until the next day." "y'all feel that?" "I think the trailer shifted." "Hey,let me try one." "Rock and roll!" "Yeah!" "Ralph,ralph,ralph." "Let's get this baby rocking!" "Yeah!" "One,two,three." "she's going over!" "Hey,earl." "hey,crab man." "What's up?" "You know,in regards to our home being turned on its side and whatnot?" "Oh,yeah." "Sons of bitches." "What the hell did you do?" "and talk fast, because I'm going to stab you in the throat once I figure out which one of these is the knife drawer!" "Oh,come on,joy." "You got to admit it's a little funny." "Tell her,darnell." "Well,maybe in time, we'll come to find a comic absurdity." "Oh,my god." "How long was he on his back?" "Found one." "Damn it!" "all right,buddy,it's been fun, but I gotta get back to Doris back to doris." "I promised I'd take her coffin shopping today." "Ralph,can we come in?" "Oh,I don't know." "Too many moving blobs in the house might make doris nervous." "Oh,well,we'll keep still." "Yeah." "Look,there's no way catalina's letting us sleep in the laundry room anymore." "We're starving, and I haven't showered in days." "Yeah,you do kind of stink,but,uh,you know,if my goose gets nervous, them golden eggs might stop falling from her wrinkled little bottom there,and I can't risk that." "See you later." "It didn't seem fair." "I was outside, hungry, taking a whore's bath and eating birdseed for breakfast, all because ralph wasn't willing to share his good fortune." "There's a skeeter on my peter flick it off." "He had it so good,he even had a sponge on a stick." "But all that was about to change." "earl,what are you doing?" "Actually,ralph,my name is stan johansen." "Yeah,nice try." "You don't even look like stan johansen." "Is everything okay,stan?" "Somebody thinks i look like stan." "Yup.Everything's fine,pudding." "Who's that man in his underwear?" "A friend who's just about to leave." "What are you doing,man?" "That's my old lady." "Get your own sugar granny." "Too bad,ralph." "I'm looking out for number one." "Now,get off my property." "There's a new stan in town." "Yeah?" "Or how about die hard ii?" "earl,that's ralph." "Maybe you can't see him through those glasses." "You forgot something,ralph." "Before I started that stupid list, I was the boss." "I gave the orders." "Well,there's no list anymore,so get going." "All right,fine,be doris's husband, but I ain't going to tell you where she keeps the cookie jar money." "Oh,damn it." "What?" "Ralph's been our buddy for a long time." "Oh,he would have done the same to us,randy." "Better off without him." "Just two brothers looking out for each other." "By the way,you can't sleep inside." "What?" "Where am I gonna sleep?" "There's no room at the motel, and it's christmas eve." "I'm just like jesus's baby." "Randy,it's just for the first couple nights." "We got to ease into it." "Tell you what." "Next week, I'll let you sit perfectly still in the living room and tell doris you're a new chair." "doris,honey,your highchair fell off the toilet again." "What the hell?" "Look,stanley." "The whole family came home for christmas." "Even my sister who died in 1973." "silly bitch put moth balls in my cocoa." "What are y'all doing here?" "Get out,now!" "Nobody's leaving until you listen to what we have to say." "We're here to save you from yourself." "It's called an invention." "It's called an inter-invention,dummy, and we brought tim along because he's been through one of these already,right,tim?" "Twice,and I'm proud to say it worked both times." "Now sit down and let's get this show on the road." "I ain't got all day." "Got a christmas ham in the microwave that needs to be flipped." "We're all here to tell you why we liked you better nice." "Darnell,go." "Hey,earl." "I've written a poem that best expresses how I feel." "Sadness falls on us all like food from a sideways refrigerator." "Next!" "Before I came to this country,I never had any male friends because my mother always taught me men are only interested in one thing." "Raping your mother." "Uh,yeah,can you all come back to me?" "I misunderstood this whole thing." "I thought we were here to kick his ass." "Earl,it was an honor to be the first person you crossed off your list." "Without your help,I never would have experienced the love of another man." "Next!" "I'd follow you anywhere,earl." "I followed you and karma and your list, and it took me to all these wonderful people." "And now you're leading me away from them, and-and we're losing our friends,and I don't like it." "I don't like this feeling i got in my stomach anymore." "It's not like when we were helping people." "So let's just go back to the way it was before." "Because if you do good things, good things happen." "Right,earl?" "Right?" "Nope." "There is no karma." "I did my list for two years,and the only good things that happened were for other people." "If good things were going to happen to me, they would have happened by now,but they didn'T." "So screw the list,screw karma, and screw all of you for ruining my christmas morning." "Doris,baby,everyone's leaving." "Come say good-bye to your dead sister." "I had no idea where I was going to,but I knew where I was going from." "I wanted to get as far away from those people as I could." "but karma came looking for me." "a wrapper." "A cheeseburger wrapper." "There is no karma!" "I thought karma was dead,but she was just laying low, keeping a tally of everything I had done wrong." "Okay,you're there." "I get it." "So you only punish me for being bad?" "How about rewarding me for being good?" "What about that,huh?" "Where's the good?" "Earl?" "And there it was,good." "Billie?" "I had met her a few months back." "She wasn't just pretty." "She was trying to turn her life around just like me." "And ever since I met her,I hadn't stopped thinking about her." "She's really made an impression on me, and now she's made an impression on my whole body." "Oh,my god,I don't believe this is happening." "You're going to be okay." "I was more than okay." "I was on top of the world." "I passed out knowing karma had brought me my good thing, and that if I was lucky, maybe we'd spend the rest of our lives side by side." "Stay still." "I'm going to go get some help."