"I still think we should call first... before we go all the way to Boston to see your folks." "Jason, they'd just tell us not to come." "Oh, here, let me." "I'll get those for you, Dad." "Carol, honey, we're almost ready." "Were you speaking to me?" "No one spoke to me when this trip was being planned." "Honey, we didn't know we were going until last night." "Carol, we're worried about Grandma and Grandpa." "Oh, Maggie, I think you're overreacting." "Then why did they call and cancel their trip at the last minute?" "And why did my dad say everything was "swell"?" "Because it is?" "No, Jason." "My father doesn't use words like "swell," "good," or "nice."" "Certainly not when I'm in the room." "Let's go, let's go, let's go!" "Well, you sure are excited about this, Ben." "Are you kidding?" "Grandpa's gonna let me use his nightstick... and his handcuffs, and even wear his badge." "Hey, maybe you'll get fingerprinted, too." "Wow!" "Well, Dad, again, I just want to thank you for letting me stay home... and earn some extra money helping Mr. Sacks fertilize his lawn." "I'm sure that earning money will teach me a new respect for the dollar... and help me grow as a person." "Bet you'll be pretty good at spreading manure, too." "And I'm so sorry that I'm going to miss that sing-along around Grandma's piano." "Yeah." "Well, just remember, if you have any problems here... you call the Koosmans next door." "And only one guest stays over tonight." "This is not fair." "No one thought that old Carol might have other plans." "No one in this entire house... treated me like a real, living, breathing human person." "Carol, get in the car." "Bye, sweetheart." "Oh, and, Mike, I know everything will be fine, because if it isn't... you'll be grounded until you're 35." "Enough said." " Bye, Mom." "Bye, Dad." " See you tomorrow, Mike." "All right." "Have fun." "Bye-bye." "Yes!" " Ben, wait for us." " I got to go to the bathroom." "We want to surprise Grandma and Grandpa together." "If Grandpa starts frisking me before I go..." "I'll surprise him, all right." " Hi." " Hi." "I'm Ed and Kate's daughter, Maggie." "Good." "Excuse us, please." "Should you just walk in there like that?" "What, we should knock and stand out here in the cold... waiting for some jerk to open the door?" "Come on." "Who are they?" "Mom, are these people the relatives you don't send Christmas cards to?" "I'm going to try to find Grandma and Grandpa." "Oh!" "How are you folks?" "Come on in." "I see you brought your luggage." "Well, don't worry, we'll try to close this deal by nightfall." "The kiddies, too." "This is so nice." "Cocktail frank?" "My name's not Frank." " Who are you?" " Who am I?" "I don't know you." "I don't know him." "Harry Bittle." "Great American Dream Realty Company." " This house is for sale?" " Yes." "Where are the owners?" "Oh, well, the sellers are never present for the showing." "Especially sellers who have put 30 years into a place." " This would break their heart." " I'm sure." " Well, honey, they haven't sold it yet." " You folks are interested in this house?" "Deeply." "Oh." "Well, then let me point out some of the fine features of this timeless classic." " Lf you do, I'm going to cry." " Pardon?" "Why are they selling?" "You're not interested in hearing about the house?" "I love this house." "I'd do my homework right by the fireplace, waiting for my daddy to come home... and hang up his gun and give me a hug." "Why are they selling?" "Well, I can't really violate their confidence." "But I will say, retirement income... balloon payment, disaster." " It's all right." "I'm her psychiatrist." " Well, can I do anything?" "Yes, you could just give us a moment alone, please." "Thank you." "Come on, Maggie, sweetheart, come on, we'll look into this." "Selling this house has to be breaking their hearts." "I know." "Why didn't they come to us for help?" "Oh, my father's pride." "There is no way he could ask us for money, knowing... the way he feels about what you do for a living." " What?" " Forget I said that." "I knew he didn't care for me." "I didn't think he hated my entire profession." "Oh, honey, it's not that he hates your profession." "It's just that he doesn't know what it is." "Oh." "So now, after 17 years, I find this out?" "Now, what good would it have done to let you know that he thinks you're a quack?" "A quack?" "Jason, can we talk about this later?" "Now, I don't want this house sold until we get a chance to talk to Mom and Dad." "Sure, sure." "Genuine lath and plaster on real two-by-four studs." "Excuse me." "I don't mean to interrupt, Harry..." "No problem." "What you were saying over there confused me." "Were the victims' bodies found in this room or all through the house?" " This is life as it should be." " Mike!" "Mike!" "Man, that was good." "Guys, how you doing?" "You're early." "I didn't even order the pizza yet." "Let me do it." "My cousin Gus works for Paradise Pizza." "I can get us a discount." " All right." " So, Mikey, what's the action?" "Not much." "Not much." "We're gonna eat a little pizza, watch a little TV." "TV?" "Mike, your folks ain't home." "This is, like, the chance of a lifetime, and you wanna watch TV?" "It's already started." "Mike, what could be so important that..." "Wow!" "So, like, when did you get cable?" "This is great." "Gus says he'll let us have the pizzas for nothing..." "All right!" "...if he and a couple of friends can stop by after work." "Yo, how many?" "Because I don't think we should..." " He mentioned women." " All right!" "Is the rest of the trip going to be this much fun?" "Carol, why don't you and Ben go watch TV in Grandpa's den?" "Great!" "Sure, it's great for you." "You get to spend time with me." "Ben, don't you go touching any of your grandpa's police stuff." "You know me." "Jason, we've got to help them." "I'm not so sure your dad wants our help." "Then again, what do I know?" "I'm just a licensed quack." " Oh, Jason." " Freeze, slimebag!" "Daddy?" "Ed, you almost shot Jason." "Well, they're not supposed to be here." "No one's supposed to be here." "Mom, how are you?" "It's so good to see you." "I'm fine." "Did you say you were coming, and I forgot?" " No, Mom, no." " Ed, always a pleasure to see you." "Daddy, Daddy, Daddy!" "Pumpkin!" "So, what's this about selling the house?" "Well... we thought we'd do this retirement thing right." "Move into a smaller place with less upkeep." "A condo." " Grandma!" "Grandpa!" " Carol, honey!" "Look how she's grown." "Where's Mikey?" "Mike couldn't come." "Grandpa!" " Is that Benny?" " Yes." "Look out." "All right, come out with your hands up." "I can't." "Carol handcuffed me to the chair." "Watch the door." "I'm gonna rough him up." "Got you." "Stop it." "Wait till I get you." "Well, we're going to fix a little dinner." "Come on, Ben." "Let your dad and granddad talk." " I don't think that'll be necessary." " No, he can play here." "Come on, Ben." "You can peel potatoes with the other prisoners." "Wow!" "Daddy... if you and Mom are having financial problems, we would be..." "No." "Things are swell." "They're fine, even good." "Dad, any money you need, Jason and I would be more than happy to..." "Maggie... just in case you can't remember, little girl." "I kept a roof over your head and food on the table for over 18 years." "Till he came along, anyway." "Daddy." "Damn it, I can still take care of your mom and myself... without your charity!" "Ed, Ed, please... there's no reason for you to turn down this offer just because of..." " how you feel about me." " Jason, let's not mention..." "No, no, no." "Your dad should overcome his feelings about me... and save this house." "Why hurt your wife, your daughter, yourself... all in the name of some foolish pride?" "Foolish?" "Don't use your shrink talk on me." "The day I accept one dime of your money will be the day they bury me." "I think that went well, don't you?" "Yeah, Jerry, listen." "Call Bruce Vinaker." "Tell him party central's at 15 Robin Hood Lane." "Excuse me, Slug, is it?" "I don't think we should invite any more people." "Well, what's it to you?" "Didn't you hear?" "The bozo that lives here?" "Parents are out of town." " Bozo?" "Hey, listen..." " Hey, Mike!" "Remember me?" "Lynda McManus!" "We had a karate class together." "Yeah, yeah, of course I remember you." "You have got killer hands." " I mean, I didn't mean..." " I know what you mean." "Mike, come here." " Would you excuse me for just a second?" " Okay." "But just for a second." "Eddie!" "Michael, there are two guys out back throwing up... and a guy upstairs shaving." "I mean, this has gotta be the coolest party I've ever been to." "Shaving?" "Mike, I need a couple of bucks." "Your mom's car ran out of gas." "Eddie, you can't take my mom's car." "I didn't." "Frank did." "Who's Frank?" " I thought you knew him." " No." "All right, Gus' pizzamobile wouldn't start, right?" "So he calls Frank... and says we'd have to pick up our own pizzas... and since they're free, could we make a couple of deliveries?" "In my mom's car?" " What was Frank supposed to do?" " What was Frank..." "What was Frank supposed to do?" "All right." "Relax, babe." "It's under control." "Now, just give me a little gas money." "Mom, make Dad take the money." "It's your home, too." "Well, your father's the boss." "And on our wedding day, I promised to love, honor and obey." "Mom, Mom, Mom, every modern woman knows "obey" is just a figure of speech." "Maybe that's why every modern woman seems to get divorced." "Kate, the kids are glued to the piano, they're waiting for one of your songs." "Oh, good." "I just got the sheet music to Like a Virgin." "Actually, they're not glued, they're handcuffed." "Oh, Jason, I got nowhere with my mother." "It's up to us." "What are we going to do?" "What are we going to do?" "I don't have the slightest idea." "We can't let them lose their home." "Jason, all they need is $6,000." "Well, correct me if I'm wrong." "Didn't we just offer your father money?" "And you're giving up just because he said he'd rather be dead?" " Forgive me." "What was I thinking?" " That's better." "Okay." "So, what's your plan?" "I don't have a plan." "Do you think it's wise to proceed without a plan?" " We just heard this record." " That's okay." "The band should be here any minute." "Boner, this party is completely out of control." "I know, man." "Congratulations." "No, man, I gotta do something about it without everybody thinking I'm a wimp." "Relax, Mikey." "Tonight, you're making party history." "Hey!" "Hey, bud!" "Excuse me, Slug." "Mind if I cut in?" "I'm a dead man." "At least I was cool for 15 years." "Hello, police?" "Yeah." "This is..." "Mr. Gandhi." "Yes, Bob Gandhi." "Yes, I am a very peace-Ioving man, and I am living on Robin Hood Lane." "Yes, it is normally a very peaceful street." "But tonight there is a very, very loud party at Number 15." "Yes, it is, I believe, the Seaver home." "Yes, this is very hard to believe... since they are such a loving, peaceful family." "Yes." "And please be going easy on the Seaver boy called Mike." "He is a very, very spiritual boy... and none of this could possibly be his fault." "Still busy." "I wonder who Mike could be talking to." "Mom, come and take your turn." " Yeah." " Am I doing this right?" " Is he in his den?" " Yeah." "Okay, Maggie." "You're the one who wanted me to come up with a plan." "What are you going to do?" "I have no idea." "Ed?" "Come to make another generous offer, did you?" "Ready with another gracious turndown?" "No, I didn't come to offer you anything, Ed, except an apology." "Here." "Irish whiskey?" "Well, you know, I thought that maybe deep down..." "I really did want to embarrass you a little when I offered you that money." "I admit that." "I'm sorry." "Sit down." " Grab a couple of glasses there." " Okay." "Game of checkers?" "Sure." "How're we going to get any ginger ale in these?" "Ginger ale?" "That's Irish, man." " I know you can't drink that straight." " Blasphemy." " Big talk." " Well, you just watch." "One sip." "Big deal." "Bet you can't drain that." "Keep watching." "$100." "You're on." " $100." " Well, can't be that tough." "Double or nothing says I can do it." "You?" "You're on." "I won again." "Well, you have to give me a chance to get even." " Ben, Carol..." " "Go to bed."" "Right." "Where are the cops?" "Where are the cops?" "We need more room to dance." "Let's shove all the furniture into the kitchen." "Yeah." "Michael, tell your mother she should have her brakes checked." "Oh, Frank's asleep in the back seat." "And for the record, he puked, not me." " Pizza!" " Yeah." "All right, that's it." "Cops or no cops, this party is over." "Just like my life." "Food fight!" "Hey, hey!" "Come on, people!" "Come on!" "Hey, stop!" "Hey, I'm Mike." "I'm the bozo giving this party." "I got something to say." "Big deal." "Hey!" " Hey, Mike, yo, this is not cool." " I don't care." "I want all of you people, especially you, Slug, to just..." "Open up!" "Police!" "Oh, nice." "Nice." "All right, now, who called the police?" "Come on, this party was just starting to cook." "God!" "No, that's it." "Uncle." "Beaten me for the last time, Ed." "By my records, you lost seven times." "Let's see." "That's double or nothing, starting at $100." "Right." "So you owe me..." "The 1 goes to 2, that's 4, 8, 16... 32, $6,400." "$6,400?" "What?" "That's what it comes to." "I don't get it, either." "Oh, sure you don't, Ed." " No, nice job, you got me." " How did I do that?" "I only had three shots." "You never got all the way through one of yours." "So, Big Ed finally shows the overpaid psychiatrist just who's smarter." "I don't like to be taken, Ed." "I didn't take you." " I won that fair and square." " Well, I'm not paying." "The hell you're not!" "I want my money!" "Well?" "Jason, you're not leaving this house until I get my $6,400." "Eddie... we get to keep our house, and you get to keep your pride." "Hey, I told you I'd take care of you, didn't I?" " Thank you, honey." " Hey, I just lost $6,000... and I may lose my lunch." "I knew you'd take care of me." "Thanks for your help, Officer." "I can handle it from here." "You are very, very welcome, Mr. Gandhi." "Welcome home, Mom and Dad!" "Out of my way!" "Nature calls!" "Well, Mike." "How was your weekend?" "Oh, kind of boring." "How was your weekend with Grandma and Grandpa?" "Oh, fine, fine." "Actually, your father was a hero this weekend." "He saved a house." "Oh, really?" " What a coincidence." " What?" "You know, it's just nice to know that you guys were up there..." "I was down here and..." "Hey, it's a wonderful world." "I thought your manure-spreading job was over yesterday." "What dog?" "English"