"Ugh!" "Can you believe this guy?" "Pete is over an hour late for our brunch date." " Pete?" "Who's Pete?" " Oh, it's this dude who goes to my gym." "Thought Jess could use a man with a little muscle for a change, so I set 'em up." "Not gonna marry him, but I'm having fun." "(chuckles) Knock, knock." "Who's there?" "Orange." "Hang on a second, Orange." "I'm gonna send a sext to Pete, which I did." "My first one ever." "Want to see?" "It's super hot." "I don't want to, uh..." "Okay, that's just a picture of you in a bra over a T-shirt" "Holding a sign that says "Property of Pete."" " Not a sext." " I'm wearing a bra!" " No, that's like a glorified selfie." " You can see the bra." " Nope." " (scoffs) I bet he saw this, and he was like," "(in low voice): "Oh, delicious."" "You want him to say that?" "I have to agree," "(phone blipping) because the true nature of eroticism is what is not shown." "COACH:" "I never get sexts." "What are you taking?" "Just some, uh... motion sickness pill." "It's a mild sedative." "My mom just landed." "That's unrelated." "Oh, my God, your mom's here?" "!" "I'm so excited to meet her." "You probably won't; she's busy." "But maybe, hopefully, I doubt it." "I can't believe I've never met her." "You know, we get together and we laugh and... (sighs) she tells me all the ways that" "I could be better at things, and then I do them, but not right." "Oh, it's fun." "We have, we have fun." "You know, I wish I had fun with my partner." "Wow, every time I ask Aly to hang out," " she's always like, "Nah."" " NICK:" "Hey, Schmidty, vamos." "I want to show you a surprise investment opportunity." "Surprise, Nick?" "I'm telling you right now, if it is a boat, I'm gonna be so psyched!" "I literally jut got new boat shoes." "JESS: (sputters) Standing here like a damn jabroni." "He hasn't even answered any of my texts." " He hasn't?" " You don't think he's... (gasping) He is blowing you off!" " He best not be!" " Hell no!" " You guys are getting riled up, huh?" " We are gonna march right over there, and we all right gonna find out what's happening!" "Let's go." "(door closes) (groans)" "Turns out that Pete had a very good excuse for not showing up." "He died." " What?" " WINSTON: ♪ Just got out of the shower ♪" "♪ Guess who cleaned everything?" "♪" "♪ Guess who got in deep?" "♪" "What?" "A motorcycle accident?" "I didn't even know Pete rode one." "He didn't." "Apparently, he was thinking about getting one, and he slipped and fell on the showroom floor." "Buffed floors... beautiful, but at what cost?" "The first guy I sext dies." "I should go to the memorial, right?" "Jess, don't make this about yourself, all right?" "You went on two dates with the guy." "I was one of the last people to text him." " On Earth." " CECE:" "Look, you didn't even have sex with him, okay?" "You're fine." "So if I'd slept with him, I'd go." " Or if you'd gone skiing together." " Mm-hmm, yeah." " What are these rules?" " COACH:" "Just don't go." "'Cause if you go, then I'm gonna feel weird about not going, and I ain't going." "Yeah, just come and have a mani-pedi with me." "I'm going; it's the right thing to do." "Oh, so if I don't go, I'm a bad person now?" " Cece." " Mm-hmm." "I'm surprised." "I thought you, of all people, would want to accompany your best friend to the funeral of a guy she texted, but..." "I guess... not." "♪ Ta-da!" "♪" "What do you mean?" "What is ta-da?" "We drove here together and parked before you covered my eyes." "What is the surprise investment, Nick?" "The bar." "Mike's selling us ten percent." "I really need the cash." "I got swindled by a young gay roller skater." "A rink twink." "I know what a rink twink is, Mike." "Hey, 20 thou and we are part owners, okay?" "I've done my research." "There's a consistent revenue and no startup costs." "You're really serious about this, huh?" "I really want this, man." " Good." "I want this, too." " Good." "Where are we gonna get 20 grand from?" "Well, we got the ten grand we made on the Swuit." "Maybe do we have any rich friends we can borrow money from?" "Well, let's think about it." "There's the middle school vice principal, there's the cop, the gym teacher." "Let's not forget about the community college student." " Whew, lot of options." " Yeah." "It's tough, it's frustrating." "Yeah, huh... damn it." "Schimdty just had an idea." "I know that face." "Give it to me, give it to me." "What are you thinking, big cat?" "What are you thinking, big cat?" "I just... (grunts) Think, now, if we own it, don't be kicking it." "Just..." "Yeah, oh." "Aah!" "Ouch." "Okay." "Hey, pal, uh, what's happening?" "My mom still owes me my bar miztvah money." "I mean, we can ask her, but, you know, she's..." " Pushy, overbearing, controlling." " So, what?" "Oh, she's a typical Jewish mom?" "It's anti-Semitic when you say it like that." "So-so what, she likes to get involved?" "That's great, you know." "I don't feel very comfortable when I'm around her." "Well, boo-hoo, she thinks you want to have sex with her." "Try learning about the birds and the bees from her using a doughnut and a banana." "By the way, neither one of which are used for what you think they are." "How could that be?" "Hey, want to grab a bite later?" "You know it, partner. (laughs)" "Hey, Aly, uh, want to grab a beer after work?" "Ooh..." "Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh." "(groaning)" "Ba, Ba, Ba, Ba, Ba, Ba, Ba." "Ya, ya, ya, ya, ya." "Ooh." "(humming)" "(grunting)" "(clicking tongue)" "Uh, ooh." "Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh." "No." " Oh, come on." " Not work related, not interested, Bishop." "We're professionals, not friends." "Oh God, here we go." "Showtime." " Mama!" " No!" "I was meeting my little boy, not this handsome movie star." "What are you doing with these?" "Why would you hide your hazels?" "(laughs) Hi, sweetheart." "Oh!" "Hey, Louise, it's really good to see you." "I bet it is; tape it down, Miller." " Tape it?" " Here, look at your baby brother." "How handsome is Reggie?" "(kisses) Give him a kiss." "Kiss your brother." "Give him a kiss." "Give him a kiss; he loves it." "Kiss him, kiss him." "Okay, give him a scratch." "He loves a scratch." "He loves a scratch." "Can I get an alcohol?" "So, how's Susan?" "Susan's my-my mom's work friend who she lives with." "Susan cuts her own firewood." "Susan's my girlfriend." "That's what I said, your work friend." "She's good." "We just got a new mattress." "So work's been more comfortable." "(chuckling)" "What?" "What-what now?" "Is it my sweater?" "Is it too dark?" "It might be." "Here." "You got, you got me a sweater?" "Mm-hmm." "Now that's nice." "That's nice." "Try it on." "I'm trying, I'm put-putting it on right now." "It goes over your head." "He's putting a sweater on a sweater?" "Get over it." "Get over it." "That's nice, very nice." "Thank you so much." "I love this so much." "Schmidt, isn't there something you want to ask your mother about?" "SCHMIDT:" "Well," "I did..." "I did want to ask you about..." "Your voice is wavering." "Here, have some chocolate." " No, Mom, I'm okay." "Thank you." " Have it." "Here, have it, have it, have it." " I'll just have one." " Have it, have it." "Have it, have it." "There you go." "I do love it." "Hmm!" "So, I..." "What I was thinking about was... uh... my bar mitzvah money." "Can I have it?" "Oh, my God!" "Of course you can!" "Yes." "Oh, that was... yeah, so easy." "As soon as you write your thank-you notes." "You didn't forget, did you?" "He never did his thank-you cards." "SCHMIDT:" "Mom, I just thought that you know, that was so long ago..." " Well, you know." " If I just gave you the money, what kind of lesson would that be?" "You finish your cards, you get the money." "That's fair, isn't it?" "You didn't finish your thank-you cards?" "There's a hat in the bag, too." "Try it on." "Put it on." "That's very nice." "Take it off, you're in a restaurant." "Sure about this?" "It's not too late to bail." "We're going." "It's the right thing to do." "Look, we'll be in and out of there in five minutes." "It'll be so packed, no one will notice." "(whispering):" "The right thing to do." "Is it?" "And uh..." "Pete said..." ""If you gotta puke, Duffy, just puke."" "Almost time to tell the story about your close friend Pete." "I'm just gonna tell the truth." "We went on a few dates." "That's it." "I'm Val," "Pete's girlfriend." "(sobs) I'm sorry." "Would you mind going?" "How did you know Pete?" "(clears throat quietly)" "Um, from work." "We worked together." "You're a sports agent, too?" " Wow..." " Yep." "Okay, we got a lot of thank-you cards to write and not a lot of time." "Let's get into it." "I'll start, okay?" "Let's go, here we go." ""To whom" ""it may" " concern..."" " To... to whom it may concern?" " I'm on a vibe." " Nick, these need to have personal details." "My mom is gonna check them." "All right, then get me the guest list." "Where have you imagined that I've been holding onto the guest list for all these years?" "Just carrying it around in my wallet?" "This is impossible." "This is gonna take some serious detective work." "(chuckles)" "It's a good thing I can call backup." " Hey." " You said this was a work thing." "It is a work thing." "It's a... work-style thing." "You see, we need your skills to solve a cold case." "(hip-hop playing)" "♪ ♪" "ALY:" "Hey, you want your bar mitzvah money?" "Tell me her name." " I don't remember." " I don't believe you!" "Just relax." "Relax." "Here, Schmidt." "Sip that." "Want to hear the music again?" "(hip-hop music playing)" "All right, there we go." "Uh-huh." "Yeah, you're 13 years old, everybody's feeling it..." " ♪ Motown Philly's back again... ♪" " Enough." "What was her name?" "!" "Sharon Rosenberg!" "Okay. 257 Sea Cove Drive, 11021." "Okay. "Dear Mrs. Rosenberg..." "Thank you for the check."" " I need a personal detail!" " Personal detail!" "She had a pool." ""Cannonball!" " Love, Schmidt."" " WINSTON:" "Cannonball!" "Okay, Schmidt." "All right, Schmidt." " Who's this guy?" " SCHMIDT:" "I don't know, Winston." "It's too far away, I can't tell." "Uh... enhance, enhance, enhance..." "Okay, too far, too far." "Dehance, dehance." " Scott Rubenstein!" " Scott Rubenstein." "My mom's CPA." "Scott Rubenstein... deceased." "Yes!" "Yes!" "Love the dead ones." "You know, Pete wasn't just a sports agent." "He understood sports." "Like, he knew the rules, all of them:" "offsides, unnecessary bumping, what happens if you hit a bird with the ball you throw..." " Excuse-excuse me." " Can I, uh, borrow her for a second?" " Mm-hmm." " Thank you." " What's up?" " Uh... what the hell are you doing?" "I'm trying to save that poor girl's feelings." "If she knew the truth, it would shatter her." "I am going to the nail salon, okay?" " Bye." " Cece..." " I'm out." "Hey, wait!" "Guys, wait." "No, stop... guys." "The only sport I know is Ricky Ball, and I'm pretty sure my friend Ricky made that up." "No." "Lying about who you are is not the right thing to do." " I am going." " Coach... (whimpering) Is this, uh... is this Pete's thing?" "He was my agent." "Of course he was." "Who else would represent NFL star J.J. Watt?" "Uh, Pete was my best friend and, uh..." "God, it's good to see you." "LOUISE:" "Wouldn't the couch be better over there?" "All that light?" "Or do you like to live like a radish, underground?" "So we worked really hard on the... on the cards." "Let's see what we got." "Okay." "But you know what would be better?" "Connie's into gardening." "You should mention that." "And if you really want your card to pop, you can use a nice fountain pen on silver stationery." "And you should sign your full name, not just Schmidt." "I mean, you have a lovely first name." "Great!" "I'll just make all those changes, Mom!" "(door slams) Okay." "You're not getting me into your pants, you little jackhammer." "Oh, I don't want you in my pants, Louise." " Okay." " Okay." "Okay." " So then Pete says to..." " Allen Iverson." " "...you want to keep sportsing on the..." " "Grizzlies." "JESS: "...but if you want me" ""to show you the money, then..." "You gotta finish your career off with the '76ers!"" "(chuckles) And it was classic Pete." "It's so nice to remember work as more than just a thing that kept Pete on the phone all the time." "You're very welcome." "Oh, Val, you should have Pete's phone." "All those memories and photos..." "It's in the garage with all his stuff." "I'll give it to you before you go." " VAL:" "Thank you." " Mm-hmm." "Okay, we gotta find that phone before Val sees the sext." "Yes, it is the right thing to do." "Like I've said all along." "I got a good thing going with J.J. and I'm not gonna let you ruin it." "That's the funeral spirit." "What are you guys doing in here?" " What are you doing here?" " I'm looking for Pete's phone." "So are we!" "Did you sext him, too?" "No." "I fired Pete over text, so I didn't want to crush his family." "That's why I'm at the memorial." "Not because it was the right thing to do?" "No." "No." "I mean, we never even went skiing." "Who makes up these rules?" "Now..." "What are you guys doing out here?" " Um..." " Singing." "S..." "What?" "We like to sing." "Together." "About..." " Sports." " Food." "Sports foods." "VAL:" "That's fun." "It's..." "Would you guys..." "Would it be putting you on the spot if I asked you to do one?" " I think that wouldn't be appropriate." " COACH:" "Actually, yes." "I feel like it's a little... ♪ Hot dogs ♪" "♪ Hot dogs... ♪" "♪ Everybody loves hot dogs ♪" "♪ Hot dogs ♪ ♪ Dogs ♪" "♪ Everybody's favorite treat is hot dogs ♪" "♪ Hot dogs ♪" "♪ Pretzels!" "♪" "Whoa, partner!" "Wait up!" "(laughs)" "That work-style thing was pretty fun." "Let's parlay that into a beer." "My buddy has a bar he works at, down the street." "It's carpeted, so..." "Bishop, what don't you get?" "No." "(SUV door opens, shuts)" "(engine starts)" "Are you okay?" "Oh, hey, man." "Thanks." " Yeah, I don't know, man." "It's just..." " (shushes)" "I'm talking to a ladybug." "Squeeze my hand!" "Just one more push!" "You're almost there!" "The first child is always the hardest!" "Hey, bud." " Hard candy?" " Is it butterscotch?" "No, 'cause we're friggin' strangers." "(laughs): "Is it butterscotch?"" "So, you freaked out a little back there, didn't you?" "Not to use some Popsicle psychology..." ""Popsicle psychology"?" "Yeah, it's pop psychology for short." "'Cause, you know, you eat the Popsicle and you love it so much and then you're stuck holding the-the stick?" "You get it. you get it." " Not really, but..." " I think you have some pent-up resentment towards your mom." "She's trying to control you!" "She treats you like a little baby who can't do anything for himself." "That's why I never wrote the cards in the first place." "Go tell that to your mom!" "She'll understand." "I don't understand." "The couch looks good here though, doesn't it?" "It opens up the whole room." "Louise, I think what your boy is trying to say is..." "Shut it, Nick." "Honey, why do you hang out with him?" "You know Nancy Borkow?" "Her son just moved to L.A." "He wrote a movie script for the movies." "I can connect you." "You need better friends!" "Enough, Mom!" "You don't get to choose my friends!" "You don't get to choose anything!" "Because this is my life!" "It's my dream and nothing's gonna stop me now!" "It feels like that's from something." " It feels like, it feels like it's from a movie or something." " ♪ My life ♪" " Yeah, I think it's a song." "It's a song." " Like some sort of song, right?" " It's the Perfect Stranger theme." " Well, you know, it doesn't matter!" "You know, we did a good job with those cards, Mom." "And we don't need any of your money." "Whoa, we're all being very emotional." "Let's just slow everything..." "I'm moving the couch back!" "Gosh!" "Did you nail that thing down?" "That's..." "You move that all by yourself?" "I'm an adult man, Mom." "And Nick is my best friend in the whole wide world." "And we're gonna buy a small portion of that bar without any of your help." "(sighs) (door slams)" "And also, there's some leftover chili in the fridge if you get hungry, and, please, make sure to put a plate over it before you put it in the microwave." "I don't want it to splatter everywhere!" "♪ And that's why they call it ♪" "♪ The out-of-peanuts ♪" "♪ Blues... ♪" "♪ Stadium taco. ♪" "Thank you guys for being a bright spot on my sad day." "(screams) Aah!" " Shucks!" " Sorry!" "I thought I saw Pete's ghost!" "It was a paint can. (laughs)" "(all chuckle) Are you sure about...?" "Ugh!" "We gotta find this phone." "And get the hell out of here." "Okay, it's ringing." "Can anybody hear it?" "(cell phone ringing) Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!" "There's another box." "What the hell...? "Property of Pete"?" "He made my sext his called I.D.?" "This is a sext?" "JJ fired him over text!" "After the day I had, I needed this." "Me, too." "What happened?" "I know you were talking to yourself." "Now you're talking to a stranger." "Get over it." "Is that a crime in California?" "What happened?" "I got dragged to a random dude's funeral." "Who dragged you?" "My friend." "She always thinks she knows what's best." "Who's your friend... me?" "(both laugh)" "No." "I got accused of that today by my son." "He's tired of me babying him." "But he's my baby, so what am I supposed to do?" "Maybe you have to let go a little." "This is why strangers talk." "You're a genius." "Want to see a picture of my son?" "He's handsome." "Nah." "I'm kind of in love with my ex, so..." "All right, you can't date him anyway." "You're not Jewish, so over my dead body and all that." "(laughs)" "(laughs)" "Today was not a win for me." "It's the right thing to do." "I don't even know what that means." " Well, you made today about yourself." " Mm." "Not to use popcorn psychology, but it's human nature." "You know?" "Soon as I saw JJ walk in, I was, like," ""JJ Watt, be my best friend."" "(both chuckle)" "(sighs)" "I got to do something." "Should I tell Aly off?" "Uh... put in for a new partner?" "What's the right thing to do here?" "I can say with 100% certainty" "I have no idea." "Look at you." "I'm proud of you." " I learned from the best." " That's awesome." "What a wonderful moment we're having today!" "You know what?" "I'll figure it out myself." "Thank you." "This is from that sixth grader over there." "(quietly):" "Hmm?" "Aly, what are you doing here?" "I just wanted to explain." "Look..." "I hung out a lot with my last partner." "And we got close and..." " You shot him?" " What?" " He died?" " No." "Oh, my goodness... is he...?" "Did he survive?" "What are you talking about?" "How did you partner die?" "He didn't die!" "So, what's your point?" "He just fell in love with me!" " Oh... oh!" "Oh!" " Yeah." " Ooh..." " And it messed everything up." "And I just don't want that to happen again." "Damn, you're conceited!" "Don't nobody want your babies." "I know that now!" "I mean, you brought me to your loft and showed me a bar mitzvah video." " Friends?" " Cool, cool." "Just, uh... don't go falling in love with me." " 'Cause I'm lovable as hell." " Okay." "I think I'll be okay." "All right." "Another!" "(whoops)" "Oh, my." "Michael... we'd like to buy your share of the bar." "And although we don't have the full $20,000 at the present..." " You don't have the money?" "No." " But we're the right guys." "No, the right guys would have the money." "Or Kieran Culkin's mouth." "How about Owen Wilson's nose?" "(groans)" "Mom?" "Oh, my God!" "Schmidt, is this your mom?" "Hi." "I've heard so much about you." "How's Long Island?" "Any cute Schmidt stories?" "I need less from you." "Okay." "I met a Mexican woman at the nail salon... who made me realize..." "I need to let go." "You're a man." "And you deserve your bar mitzvah money." "Thanks, Mom." "Mike, we want to buy your ten percent of the bar." "This bar?" "!" "There's a dying catfish laying on the sidewalk out front!" "This would be a hilarious time for me to back out... but okay." "Yes!" "We're part owners!" "BOTH (chanting):" "We're part owners!" "How great this moment?" "I just think you'd be more of a success socially if you let people come to you." "You know what's fun?" "I'm not gonna be able to sleep until we're best friends." "(groans)" "JESS:" "Nick, can you believe it?" "You're a bar owner." "I'm so proud of you." "None of this would've happened" " without Schmidt standing up to his mom." " It was so scary." "I can't believe I missed her." "We still can use the other 90% of the bar, right?" " Yeah" " You know, that's not how it works." "It's just this is my favorite section." "I wanted to..." "It's a financial share." " To Schmidt's mom." "I do want to have sex with her." " (Shouting) Nick."