"welcome...to "hole In The Ring"." "Let's meet this week's new contestant." "hello, I'm sally and I'm a publisher's assistant from Warwick." "sally..." "Let's play "hole In The Ring", and your time starts now." " In which shritty...city...was Mozart born?" " salzburg." "Correct." "On the periodics table, what element is denoted by the shrymboI "Fe"?" "Sorry, could you repeat the question?" "On the periodic table which ene-ments is denoted by "Fe"?" " Iron." " No, iron." "John, who won an Oscar for his performance in "The Pi-anist" in 2002?" "Er...the what?" " "The Pi-anist"." " Do you mean "The Pianist"?" " "Pi-anist"." " Er, Adrien Brody." " (ALARM)" " You're out of time." "So, te..." "So, team, at the end of that round you scored a pathetic, a gay one point, which is shit, so...you idiots." "So, team, who was the git amongst the pigeons?" "Who's three bob short of a ten-queer note?" "Who was the turd in the hamper?" "Who's...thick?" "It's time to decide who's..." "the hole in the ring." "(SNIGGERS)" "(UPROARIOUS LAUGHTER)" "well, swimming with a great white shark." "How does that work?" "well, get in the cage, the cage goes down in the water, and you swim with a great white shark." "It's the authentic experience." "How do we know we'II find a great white shark?" "'Cause there's one in the cage." "What, I'm in the cage and the shark's in the cage?" "The same cage?" "well, they're not native to the UK, mate." "If I let the shark out the cage, who's to say what it will do?" "Right, so I go in the cage." "Does it mind being in the cage?" "Too right it does." "It hates being in the cage." "Thrashing around the cage, desperate to get out the cage, destroying anything else in the cage." "Stop it, Owen." "So, do you want to get in the cage?" "only 50 quid" "Er..." " Yeah, all right." " really?" "It's all fine, isn't it?" "It's all proper, you've got a sign, it's all fine." "Oh, yes, it's all fine, yeah." "You in the cage, the shark in the cage..." "It's all fine." "You basically just want to keep out of his way a bit." " Is it a big cage?" " Er..." "Yeah, yeah, it is quite a big cage, yeah." "But then it is a very big shark." " well, can you hire me some gear?" " I can sell you some gear." "I can't hire it to you, and I'II tell you for why." "It might get damaged." " What by?" " Erm..." "Shark attack..." "Yeah, that kind of thing." " I mean, the shark's not gonna attack me." " really?" "Oh, that's good." " What?" " well, I imagined it wouId." "That massive, angry shark cooped up in the cage." "Someone else gets in the cage." "I..." "I thought it might lash out." "You're probably right." "It's probably a Iot more scared of you than you are of it." "Poor thing." "Right, well, you know where everything is." "Once...once you get down there it'II all be pretty straightforward." " I'II pop off for half an hour." " Aren't you gonna watch?" " I'd really rather not." " OK." "(SPLASH)" "Oh, and that's a bad miss." "And a bit of a first for a quarter-finaI at the crucible here, in that both Laurence CasweII and indeed his opponent Mike SyIvester are both, with the best will in the world, queer." "well, Peter, I'm not sure that's quite the PC term." "It is, Ted, I've checked." "well, I'm gonna call them homos to be on the safe side." "And as Mike SyIvester bends over to break off now, Ted, what do you think will be going through his opponent's mind?" "I can't say that, can I?" "I mean, you could use ornamental grasses like these." "They're very good just for softening your harder landscaping." "Oh, that's a good idea, isn't it, Martin?" "Mm?" "Oh, yeah, yeah." "Very clever." "well, we've got some nice pampas grasses." "You could put it down..." "Hey, I think there's some kind of a..." "Mm...mm..." "Good, good, strong." "Mm..." "(WAR CRIES)" "I Utapoo." "You?" "Er..." "Martin." "I'm Martin." " Mar-tine." "Martine!" " (MAN) Martine... (ALL) Martine." "Martine." "Martine." "Martine." "You...us now." "No, I can't live here." "I've got a job and a girlfriend." "Ha!" "Many brides here." "No, Martine, you live here." "Take his shoes." "What?" "No, no." "I'm not gonna stay here just 'cause you've got my shoes." "Huh!" "Then, how you cross great gravel pathway?" "(YELPS)" "Martine choose stay." "(THEY WHOOP  CHEER)" "You learn our ways, take bride." "In three moons, you not Iike, we return shoes." " So, John..." " Yeah." " So, you're a zoologist." " Yes." "Do they have much call for getting questions wrong?" " What?" " When you're...with the...at the zoologist..." "Do they have much call for being bad in quizzes?" "I'm ever so sorry, I don't really know what you mean." "Yeah, well, you're the..." "Maybe you should be in a zoo, you prick." " Right." " You are the hole in the ring." "Goodbye." "That's all for today." "until tomorrow's "hole In The Ring", goodbye." " Good morning, John." " Morning, Hugh." "And how are you and your excellent corner shop this fine morning?" "Good." "Good, thanks, Hugh." "Good, right." "There you go." "Loaf of wholemeal, "telegraph", and an apple." " Right, Hugh." " although...just thinking, John..." "Oh, yes." "Goodness, I'm thirsty." "I-I really am." "I've..." "I've..." "I've got a tremendous thirst on all of a sudden." " Oh." " Yes, I..." "I feel like I should grab something to drink right away." "Do you..." " Do you recommend anything?" " We have lots of different drinks, Hugh." "Yes, yes, you do." "I'm so thirsty, I feel like grabbing something right at hand." "Something from this chiller here." "Yes, here we go." "Export Jurgenbrau." " Yes, well..." "Maybe I'II try one of these." " Yes." "Maybe you will." "Oh, actually, now I notice this..." "this is an alcoholic lager beer." "Isn't it, John?" "Ten per cent." "BIimey, that's quite a Iot, isn't it, John?" "Yes, it's the most alcohol per millilitre at the lowest cost in this corner shop." "Is it really?" "How fascinating." "well, it...it's the continental way, isn't it?" "In Spain, they wouldn't dream of starting the day without a couple of cans and maybe a vodka... probably." "So, how much is that?" " $2.70, Hugh." " Oh..." "well...now..." "Now I..." "Now I..." "look..." "I don't think I can actually afford the bread, the paper, an apple and this drink." "Not quite, Hugh." "Maybe I'II put all three of these items back and maybe get two cans of this..." "Iager beer that you recommend." "Just in case one doesn't completely rid me of my perishing thirst." "Yes." "Yes, that is the usual solution." "Do you know what?" "I'm so thirsty..." "I think I might just crack this open and drink it here on the step of your shop." "Of course." "Why not lie down on the pavement afterwards," " if you're feeling a little bit sleepy." " What an excellent idea!" " See you tomorrow, John." " See you tomorrow, Hugh." " Oh, and that's a bad miss." " (ICE RATTLING)" "Viewers in the north may be experiencing some sound interference for which we apologise." "What about viewers in the south?" "We haven't got any viewers in the south, have we?" "It's not the highest standard of play this afternoon, but it is respectable." "Yes...it...it is perfectly respectable and these are two perfectly respectable young men." "They...they were born a certain way, presumably, or perhaps they were given doIIies as children..." "Who knows how this happens?" "But...now they've just gotta get on with it." "well, they do say to you these days, Ted, that if you do find yourself of the queer or bent way of thinking, then the best thing to do is just come right out and say it" "and don't, whatever you do, spend 42 years living a lie." "Those years weren't wasted for you, Peter." "You won the UK championship twice." " I know." " But... what I didn't realise, is these guys, that these gay guys, they won't just come up and do it to you, if you don't want them to... as I know many in the sport fear they will." "In jokes, Ted, in the film "deliverance", but not in the crucible bar." "william, have you slept with alice again?" " Mm?" " Have you slept with alice again?" "Er...yes, I think so." "Sorry." "How many times must I say, I don't like you sleeping with other women?" "I'm sorry." "We were at a conference, I wanted to some sex, you weren't around..." "You've always got a good excuse, but still..." "still what?" "She's very pretty and I never thought you'd find out." "well, I don't care." "I don't like it." "She's taller than you, she's got bigger breasts..." "I was hardly going to turn down the chance to sleep with her." "It's not as if you're losing out." "I carry on sleeping with you too." "Yes, OK." "Fine." " Good." " Oh." "I meant to ask you the other day." " Can we start a family?" " Er...no, better not." " Why not?" " I don't like children, I never want any, and if I did, it wouldn't be with you." "But I want to have a baby." "well, you know." "Sorry." "Oh, did I tell you that I have a secret gambling problem?" "For heaven's sake, rachel, what's the matter with you?" "Are you trying to pick a fight?" " No." " You've been niggling away ever since you came in." ""Did you sleep with alice?", "Can we have a baby?"," ""I'm a secret gambler," blah, blah, blah." "I'm just talking." " I know what this is really about." " It's not about anything." " This is still about the fridge door, isn't it?" " It's got nothing to do with that." "Good, because...we have to move on." "nearly a whole quiche I had to throw away, you bastard." "So, it is about the fridge door!" "And milk!" "So much milk!" "I..." "look..." "I've said I'm sorry." "I'm so sorry." "Think I care if you're sorry?" "I'II never see that quiche again." "It's...it's...it's just I know..." "I know I had a moment of madness." "I Ieft the fridge open." "I..." "I know you can never forget, but..." "Try to forgive." "I will." "I'm sorry I have these outbursts, but I am trying." "I understand." "Give me a kiss." " AII better?" " AII better, yes." "Oh, and about alice, you did use a condom, didn't you?" "Oh!" "(CACKLES) silly boy!" "(BEETHOVEN'S SYMPHONY NO. 9:" "CHORAL FINALE)" "Good evening and welcome to "small talk"." "I'm Raymond Terrific, and in a format experiment I was not in favour of, tonight we'II be discussing some tiny matters of no real consequence." "Joining me, instead of the usual boffins, are some of the most superficial and idiotic people in the public eye." "Anita, you got your pubes out in "Big Brother"." "Your question, how do you Iike to relax?" "I'm very spiritual, as anyone who knows me would tell you." "I just like to chill out in the bath with some oils and candles and just get me a bit of head space, yeah?" "That was awful." "Right, press on." "Tony, you were a professional footballer before going to prison for racism." "You now run your own nightclub." "What's your favourite flavour of crisp?" " Er, probably prawn cocktail." " I hate this." "Anita, what is objectively the best crisp?" " That's a tough one." " I have to stop you." "I'm being told that that talk is actually marginally too big." "Zack Chancery, a hairdresser who came to the public's attention for having a name a bit like a font." "Your question, how's your day been?" "Super." "That's all." "For next year's "children in Need"" "hopefully they'II just get me to sit in a bath of Pot noodle, or cut my cock off." "In the meantime, sorry and goodnight." "We don't!" "Martine, what is kiss?" "Bontempi like." "Martine, what is hand job?" "Look, boiled sweets." "Pensioners must be close." "You learn much, Martine." "Utapoo, what is wrong." "You look sad, my friend." "What is this place?" "I haven't seen it before." "Covered retail area." "Great sadness for Utapoo's people." "Every year more and more space devoted to non-garden products." " The bastards!" " This, all once perennials." "Now, home and giftware section." "Soon, Father's land disappear due to retail diversification." " There must be something we can do." " Mm." "Must make sacrifice to the idols." "Take him to the shed of destinies." "(ALL CHANT) PrimuIa, Wisteria, LeyIandii." "PrimuIa, Wisteria, LeyIandii." "PrimuIa, Wisteria, LeyIandii." "(COUGHS)" "(ALL CHANT) PrimuIa, Wisteria, LeyIandii." "PrimuIa, Wisteria, LeyIandii." "PrimuIa, Wisteria, LeyIandii." "PrimuIa, Wisteria, LeyIandii." "PrimuIa, Wisteria... (EERIE ECHOING CACKLE)" " (SHRIEKS) - (PIERCING ELECTRONIC WHIRR)" "PrimuIa, Wisteria, LeyIandii." "PrimuIa, Wisteria, LeyIandii." "PrimuIa, Wisteria, LeyIandii." " PrimuIa, Wisteria, LeyIandii." " (BELLS TOLL)" "PrimuIa, Wisteria..." " (SHOUTS) LeyIandii!" " (BELLS TOLL)" "Where's Utapoo?" "Where's Bontempi?" "Martin, you've been like this for three days." "There is no Utapoo or Bontempi." "It might be food poisoning." "Did you have anything to eat at the garden centre cafe?" "It's awful." "It's not food poisoning." "I was there, it was real." "No, Martin, you're just very ill." " Then explain this." " (PIERCING ELECTRONIC WHIRR)" "(SCREAMS)" "# ..birthday, dear David Happy birthday to you!" " (WEAK CHEERS)" " Thank you." " Happy birthday, David." " Oh, cheers." " I got you a card." " Ah, thanks." " Don't open it now." " Why not?" " Just don't open it now." " Is there a rude message?" " Just don't open it." " I'm gonna open it." "Don't." "Oh, he's opening it." " "To David, happy birthday from Robert."" " Yeah." " Is that the best you could do?" " Yeah." " "Happy birthday from Robert"?" " Erm..." "Why didn't you want me to open it?" "Were you ashamed?" " You didn't want to have to face me?" " That's it." "It could have been written by someone who's never met me" " but has seen my birth certificate." " I find it difficult thinking up stuff to put." "But...you're supposed to be a writer." "It's just that normally we sort of do stuff together." " Oh, right." "So you expected me to help?" " well, no, no." "I mean, would you?" " Oh, yeah, yeah, Rob." "absolutely." " Just jazz it up a bit." "Jazz up your sentiments on the occasion of my birthday." " I'd be grateful." " Right, yeah, OK." "well, er..." "How about, "To David, my best friend in all the world"?" "I don't know about that." "AII right, how about, "David, my Iong-standing colleague who's OK?"" " See why I've been having the problem?" " Yeah." "I mean, what do you feel?" "I feel the need to do the decent thing so as to avert your moods." " You're being very honest." " Thank you." "How about, "David, on your birthday I notice that everyone got you a cake..." "Is that why there's cake?" "".." "Even sally from the office got you a DVD," ""so I popped to WH Smith to spend $1 .29 of the petty cash" ""on a card with a golf joke on it."" "Yeah, 'cause I know you Iike cricket..." " Hm..." " ..so...golf." " Yes." " OK." "So...erm..." "Just, "Lots of love..." well..."Iov...", erm..."Best wishes"...erm..." "Erm..."Yours sincerely..." "Rob."" ""Brackets, Robert Webb."" "Thank you." "Guten Abend und willkommen zu Numberwang." "Mit mir heute sind julie, der ist ein Hamburger und Simon, der ist ein Frankfurter." " julie, wie geht's?" " Nein." " Simon?" " Ja." "Round ein, lass uns Numberwang spieIen." " Simon geht zuerst." " 2." " Das ist Numberwang - 8." " Das ist Numberwang." " 23." "Das ist Numberwang, round zwei." "Numberhosen." "Kommen Sie her, Simon und julie." "Ah, sehr gut." "julie, Sie haben 12, 30 und 8." "Aber Simon, Sie haben 2.389.41 1 ." "Ah, danke, danke." "als wir fangen das Ietze round an, julie hat 1 7 und Simon hat ein bisschen mehr mit 16,97 4." "also, lass uns Wangernumb spieIen." "Rotiere das Brett!" "(COD GERMAN ACCENT) Is it safe?" "Is it safe?" "julie, Simon, jetzt ist die Zeit, Wangernumb zu spielen." "Bevor wir anfangen, darf ich Ihnen beide sagen," " "Good luck"." " Oh, thanks very much." "Ach!" "Das habe ich gewusst!" "Nimm Sie weg!" "julie, Sie sind gewangernumbed." "Aber Simon, Sie sind heutige Wangernumb." "(GERMAN NATIONAL ANTHEM PLAYS)" "also, das ist alles fur Numberwang heute." "Morgen kommen wir wieder, aber bis dann bIeib Numberwang!" "1994, the year of putting a bit of a kink in the handle, sales up by eight per cent." "1997, the year of putting some of the bristles in diagonally, sales up by 121/2 per cent." "2002, your finest hour, Chas." "The year of putting in some blue bristles to tell them when they need to buy a new one." "For the first time people are actually taking orders from their toothbrush." "sales up by 26 per cent." "Guys, it's 2006." "I have one question for you." "What's next?" " Erm..." "Chas." " No." "Come on, guys, this is serious." "people are out there right now buying toothbrushes that we didn't make." "We may have run out of things we can tell them they need on their toothbrush." "I think we could get them to brush their tongues." "No." "No, I admire your reach, Gus, but no." "They're not gonna brush their tongues." "I think they will." "I think that if we tell them to brush their tongues," " they'II brush their tongues." " Is there any health benefit?" "I have no idea, but show me your tongue." "Er... yeah, you see?" "Dirty." "He's got a dirty tongue." " Has he?" " No." "But you thought he might have." "And when it's a Scottish brunette in glasses and a lab coat saying it..." "I think you might have something." "They might actually brush their tongues." "Of course they will." "(COD SCOTTISH) Did you know that up to 68 per cent of us suffer from dirty tongue?" "Over time, microscopic anti-tonganoids build up a gritty, toweIIy surface, which might very well mean that people laugh at you behind your back" " and secretly find you repulsive." " We'II have to market it at men too, Gus." "Which might well very mean that that's why you're not getting enough sex." "We'd put something on the back of the toothbrush?" "Doesn't matter." "people won't actually brush their tongues." "It makes you retch." "Everybody knows that." "But when they're buying a toothbrush they'II forget everything except the Scottish brunette telling them that's why they're not getting enough sex." "They will." "They will." "They'II brush their goddamn tongues." "And if we can get them to brush their tongues," " we can get them to do anything." " exactly." "Hence this." "What the hell's that?" "(COD SCOTTISH) Did you know that 83 per cent of us hate the shape of our ears?" "(WHIRRING)" "Oh, and that's a bad miss." "well, Laurence CasweII has left a massive opening there for such a potent cue man as Mike SyIvester." "And while we're on the subject of gay sex," "I've never discussed on air with you before, Peter, the reasons behind your own decision to come out as a gaybo and how that's made you feel." "well, Ted, it's as simple as this." "You get to a certain stage in your life, when you realise that your wife's about to go public, and you think to yourself," ""I might as well cash in on the exclusive before she does."" "That's very moving, because...because of course it caused a crisis in my own life." "I was not, for many years, a friend of the gays." "I didn't perhaps understand it as well as I do now." "You were worried about the booth, Ted." "If I'm honest, Peter, that was the nub of it." "It's not a big booth, this our booth, but as you pointed out to me, over that drink that I finally allowed you to buy me, if you'd managed to keep your hands off me for 18 years," "why on earth would you jump me now?" "particularly when I'd be on me guard." "And we laughed, didn't we, Ted?" "We laughed, and I think that was the turning point." "I..." "I thought, "That man Peter has been to three out of my four weddings." ""Best man at the Iast two." "I've been to his wedding." ""albeit we now know that was a lie." Anyway." "I have in my own way loved this man." "That's not a word I'm afraid of." "We talked about what I was afraid of and established... and...and established that you wouldn't do it to me." "So...so I realised that just because my friend and Iong-standing professional colleague has announced that he's gay, this is no time for me to turn me back on him." "Thank you, Ted." "particularly in the booth." " Greece, was it?" " Yeah, Rhodes." "spectacular." " Good." " Me and Jen in front of the temple of Zeus." " Right, sunny." " Yeah, it was brilliant." "And this is us back in our hotel room." "Ooh, that one's a bit saucy, actually." "Sorry, thought I'd deleted that." "Moving swiftly on." " And that one is actually even more, er...." " Oh, my God." "Yeah, er...and this is us on our deserted beach." " Ooh, dear oh dear." "At least she waxed." " please...no..." "And this is us on the ferry over to..." "Ooh, that is very fruity..." " please, can we stop?" " Oh, sorry." "The rest are all..." " Look." "This is us in our villa." " bloody hell." "Oh, you spotted that." "We were just having a quick..." " And this is us by the pool." " (SHRIEKS)" " That one is very naughty." " Look, I'm just..." "Stay where you are!" "And this is us in a little taverna that we found." "Not "Listen With Mother"." "We kept that pepper grinder." " please, can we stop!" " (SHOUTS) No!" "You've got to face it." "Face it, David." "Look at it." "It's for your own good." "I'm trying to help you." "AII right, all right, leave me alone." "I'II read the porn mag." "Cover to cover?" "Yes." "There'II be a test."