"# You must remember this" "#A kiss is still a kiss" "#A sigh is just a sigh" "# The fundamental things apply" "#As time goes by #" "Telephone!" "Telephone!" " I'm answering it" " Oh, get out of my way" "Hello?" "Who?" "Oh, yes, how are you?" "What?" "Well, you better tell Alistair" "Oh Oh, no, of course you can't Right" "Well" "No Yeah Well, c'est la vie, all right Yes" "Well, goodbye" "And good luck" " Who's that?" " The best man He's broken his leg" " That's bad luck" " Bad luck?" "The man's a fool" "That's a bit harsh Who is the best man, anyway?" "Was, was, was Gaston somebody or other" " He's a ski instructor" " Can't be very good if he's broken his leg" "No, that's why I said he was a fool" "Well, why phone here?" "Why not phone Alistair?" "Because he's on his way to hospital, and contrary to all the laws of nature," "Alistair's mobile is switched off" " Oh, that's right He's gone to see his man again" " What man?" " His Harley Street man" " What about?" "His toe?" "Yeah, I suppose so" "Well, he went before He said there was no problem" "Why does he have to see him again?" "Well, I don't know I'm not an expert on toes, am I?" "Well, you'll have to do it" " Do what?" " Be best man" "I'm giving the bride away I can't walk down the aisle with Judy and then nip round and give Alistair the ring, can I?" "Well, perhaps nobody would notice" "They would notice, wouldn't they?" " Who are you phoning?" " Well, I'm trying Alistair again" "Judy!" "Yes, I'm coming" "You know, for a small woman, your mother's got a very loud voice" "I wonder what she's panicking about now" "She was right You are calm" "Yeah, well, one of the happy couple has to be" "One?" "Yeah I mean, Alistair's been very odd lately" " Odder than usual?" " Yes" "Oh, I don't know He just seems to get very emotional very quickly" " Judy!" " That's happiness" "No, not really He keeps looking as if he wants to cry" " Oh?" " Judy!" "Oh, yes!" "You've got a loud voice, too Go on, then" " Rocky?" " Yes" "Rocky as best man?" "Well, why not?" "Because he's at least halfway round the bend, that's why not" " He's your father" " Oh, I know who he is, all right" " He's sweet" " Sweet?" "Yes, he is And Alistair thinks so, too He thinks of him as a sort of soul mate" "Yes On a purely practical level, this is the eleventh hour, and we know he'd do it" " Well, yes, but" " Yes, so Rocky it is, then" "I'll ring him and tell him he's gonna be best man" "Er, Mum" "Well, ask, I meant ask" "No, I meant, don't you think it really ought to come from Alistair?" " Well, where is Alistair?" " You said he was coming straight round" "Well, straight can mean anything, can't it?" "Rocky?" "Rocky?" "Of course It's a brilliant idea" "It's a shame about your friend Gaston" "Well, yes, but it might prove to be a blessing in disguise" "I mean, he's a nice guy, Gaston, but" "He's very Gallic Tends to be a bit over-excitable at times" "Oh, really" "Right Well, I'd better let Mum know" "Mum" "Hello" "Well, I was just coming to tell you that Alistair thinks Rocky's a good idea, but" "Well, I was just passing the door I Just passing the door!" " Hello, Alistair" " Hey, hey, lovely lady" " How's your toe?" " Toe?" "Yes, you went to see your man about the toe" " Oh, yes, right" " How is it?" "Oh, it's fine 100% functional again" "So why did you have to see him again?" "Well, I Just to, er" "Er, rubber-stamp the thing, really" "I thought I'd just pop over the road for a swift half" " I'm your man, Li" " Yes, just before you go, Lionel," "I've just been talking to Alistair about his toe" " Have you?" " You seemed to know about it from the start" "Which foot was it?" "Which foot?" "The left" "Which toe?" "Third?" "Just sit down here, please" " Well?" " Well?" "All right, the toe thing was made up" "A harmless deception" "Well, we'd worked that out for ourselves Why?" " To cover up for the crying" " What crying?" "Mine" "I told Sandy you kept looking as if you wanted to cry" "And you did the other night I thought it was a one-off" "Well, that's just the trouble It wasn't" "I cried a lot I got over-emotional about the wedding About lots of things" "Old films Bits of music Puppies" "Oh, Alistair" "But I'm okay now I'm over it" "I did a trial run with a puppy just a few minutes ago, and nothing" "It was only a side effect in the first place" "Side effect from what?" "The stuff I was taking to cure the panic attacks" " Oh, this gets worse" " What panic attacks?" "Well, when I kept When I kept" " I can't bring myself to say the word, Li" " Swooning He kept swooning" "So I took the stuff to stop the swooning But that made me start crying" "But it's okay now because he's given me some stuff to stop the crying, you see?" "Alistair" "Are there any possible side effects to what you're on now?" ""Remote", he said "Remote"" "And the parrot said, "No, I didn't see a thing" ""I got so excited, I fell off me perch"" "I've got "pause for laughter" written after that" "I shouldn't pause too long" "It's a very good joke, that" "May I remind you that this is a wedding?" "Not a stag night in some vulgar club" "The best man's speech should not be a succession of unfunny jokes" "It should contain a few affectionately humorous remarks about the groom, and conclude with a toast to the bridesmaids, or in this case, bridesmaid" "Young Sandy I've been very fulsome about her" "Well, I don't think that phrases like" ""a right little cracker" and "a great pair of pins" are suitable" "Then I suppose you disapprove of the old uniform, as well?" "No, I must admit, you look quite dashing" "Coming from you, Mrs Bale, that borders on the effusive" "Come in!" "Bad news, Mr Hardcastle I'm afraid the whole thing is off" "Good God The wedding?" "No, no, no, no, no Us wearing our uniforms" "I seem to have expanded out of mine" "Yes, you have, rather" "I did ask Mother if she could help, but she didn't have any genuine khaki" "I mean, she did suggest a bit of velvet round the back, brown, but I didn't think that would look right" " No, probably not" " No, no" "I'll wear my Sunday suit, then, shall I?" "I'm sure you'll look very smart" "But please, not that awful tie with the woman on it" " I gave him that" " Exactly" "Me and my brothers will be bringing round the flowers first thing in the morning" "That's a bit last gasp, isn't it?" "No, it is not, because we want them to be fresh" "And what about the grub steaks?" "The "grub steaks", as you call them, are totally organised" "And the church looks lovely" "And Mother's finished knitting the gloves for the bride" "Well, we're in good order, then And you take it from me, it's going to be a perfect day tomorrow" "What's the shipping forecast, Mrs Bale?" "Choppy in the Channel, but nothing that should affect us" "Right, there you are Here's to a perfect day!" "Shouldn't we be raising a glass?" "Quite right" "Whip us up three of your Spitting Cobras, would you, Mrs Bale?" "Combat fatigue?" "I said I'd stack the dishwasher, but I'm buying time, actually" " A glass of wine?" " Oh, yes, please" "Oh, why is everyone in here?" "Erm, I'm helping Lionel to stack the dishwasher" " Talk about leaving it to the last minute" " The wedding's tomorrow" "No, Penny and Stephen" "Penny phoned to say they will be coming" "No invitation to tea with HMQ, then?" " Apparently not" " It's weird, isn't it?" "Stephen gets an OBE for services to dentistry, and we haven't seen them since" "I thought she'd have been up here showing off" "Well, I suppose we're the hoi polloi, now" "Anyway, I expect she's got to do the whole of Hampshire first" "Anyway, they're coming" "Oh, now, talking of the wedding" "No, no, no, talking of the wedding" "I think we should leave here at six in the morning That'll get us there by 8:00" "The ceremony's not till 3:00" "Judy and Sandy have to change" "Yes We shall need seven hours" " Seven?" " Sorry" "Six will be fine, won't it, Lionel?" "Absolutely essential by the sound of things" "What is that?" "Oh, well, I was going to do a seating plan, but as it's a buffet," "I thought I'd do a standing plan" "You can't tell people where to stand" "No, I know" " Have a glass of wine" " Well, just one" "What are those two interlocking red hearts?" "That's you and Harry" "Oh, all right I know, I know Mrs Make-Everything-Right" "But it will be" "Look, you've worked your socks off, and tomorrow everything will be fine" "I wish I shared your confidence" "Look, you've checked everything more thoroughly than the CIA could ever aspire to" " What can go wrong?" " Alistair" "Assuming he doesn't faint or burst into tears, what else might he do?" "Morning, morning" " Hi, Lol" " Good morning, Lol" "I thought Rocky promised no fireworks" "Yes, he did" "But Mrs Bale allowed him just one rocket to herald our arrival" "We're on the early side, I'm afraid" "Oh, not a bit of it We've all been up for hours" "Mrs Bale's doing a huge fry-up for you all" "Excellent, just the job" "There's rather a lot, Lol You'll need a hand" "Don't you worry about that My brothers will do all that" "We've got the whole village mobilised" "Oh, incidentally, Miss My brothers all send their very warm regards" "Oh, how sweet of them" "Give them my love" "Best make that best wishes" "We don't want them getting their hopes up, do we?" "I suppose not" "Good Lord" "Good morning!" "Looks like something out of King's Rhapsody." "Rocky!" "You look marvellous" " Oh, Miss" " Yes, love?" "From Mother" "She said I had to give them to you personal" "Oh, thank you Erm, thanks" "Her little tradition, you see" "Oh, how lovely Thank you" " Look, Sandy, aren't they?" "They're lovely" " Yes, they're perfect" "You don't have to wear them at the ceremony, of course" "Perhaps on the honeymoon" "Yes" "It'll match your going-away dress" "Yes" " Oh, good afternoon" " Good afternoon" "I'm 82" " Are you really?" " I'll be 83 in September" "How nice" " Alistair's here" " Oh, how is he?" "Oh, I don't know I just saw the car" " Who's that?" " I haven't the faintest idea" "The bridegroom has arrived But don't worry, I've secured the bride in her room" " "Secured"?" " Asked her not to come out" "Oh, right Oh, Mrs Bale, the room looks lovely" " We've done our best" " Mrs Bale, who is that?" "Mrs Twillet She's the flower watcher" " The what?" " The flower watcher" "It's an old custom here The Twillets have always done it" " Why should she watch the flowers?" " Nobody really remembers" "But we don't want to break with tradition, do we?" "Mrs Bale, have I ever told you you bear an uncanny resemblance to Claudia Schiffer?" "No And don't start now" "Mom and Pop-in-law, what a wonderful day for a wedding!" "Oh, Alistair, how are you?" "How are you feeling?" "Think of Lake Placid, and you've got me" "Who is that?" " She's an old village custom, apparently" " Really?" "Good afternoon" "I have a brother who's 96" "Have you really?" "He'll be 97 in November" "Excellent" "Way to go" "Shall we, erm" "Well, almost time for the off" "Rocky's just polishing his medals" " You look very svelte, Li - "Svelte"?" "And as for you, lovely lady, what can I say?" "Just assure me that you really are all right" "I am I am" "No sign of the dizziness at all, and as for the other stuff," "I checked on the way down by looking at some lambs in a field" "And it was fine" "Well, thank goodness" "Erm, I don't want to seem cred-obsessed, but you haven't told anyone else, have you?" "No, we haven't We don't want the entire congregation on tenterhooks" "I wonder how long she stays" "She looks set in for the summer to me" "Not a petal has dropped, Mrs Twillet?" "# Nor shall they" "# They are safe #" " You would be the bridegroom" " I certainly would" "So, then" "That's that done Goodbye" " Goodbye" " Goodbye" "Goodbye" " What was all that about, Mrs Bale?" " Nobody knows" "The Witchfinder General would have had a whale of a time down here" "Mrs Hardcastle, you should be leaving for the church in three and a half minutes" "Yes, Mrs Bale" "You're very quiet" "Yes, I may have panicked during the last few days, but I feel very calm now" "Ex-chillente Everyone's calm" "One is calm" "Well" "Oh, my God" "I can't move my legs" " Oh, perfect" " Come on, Alistair, you're fine" "No, I'm not I can't move I'm paralysed" "It must be a side effect of the stuff I was taking for the crying" "Or maybe it's a double side effect combined with the stuff I was taking for the fainting!" " What am I gonna do?" " Oh, shut up, do!" "Side effects and side effects from side effects?" "I'm sick of hearing about them" "It's nothing but a blue funk" "And if you think I'm going to let you spoil Judy's day, you've got another think coming" "Now get up and get to that church and marry my daughter!" "I'm up!" "I'm up!" " Now, take it slowly" " Rubbish Just walk" "Li, this is some lady you've got here" "Yes, I know" "Tough love, eh?" " Where did you learn that?" " Long before there was a fancy name for it" " Come on young fellow-me-lad" " On my way, Rocky" "On my way" "I am Really, I am" " I can't move my legs now" " I'll see you in church" "I'll see you in church Oh, and incidentally, will you marry me?" "Oh Oh, all right" "Which reminds me of a rather funny story about a parrot with no feet" "Oh, my word" "I'm ready" " We are starting on the left foot, aren't we?" " On the left" "Your father would have been very proud of you, you know" "Thanks, Lionel" "So am I, as a matter of fact" " Where's Stephen?" " Who?" "Oh, Stephen He's back there somewhere" " Why isn't he with you?" " Because I'm not speaking to him" "Oh, Penny, why?" "Because he's simply" "Will the congregation please be seated" "We've come together to witness the marriage of Alistair and Judith, to pray for God's blessing on them, to share their joy, and to celebrate" "Marriage is a gift of God in creation through which husband and wife may know the grace of God" "It is given that as man and woman grow together in love" "Alistair, will you take Judith to be your wife?" "Will you love her, comfort her, honour and protect her, and, forsaking all others, be faithful to her as long as you both shall live?" "I will" "Judith, will you take Alistair to be your husband?" "Will you love him, comfort him, honour and protect him, and, forsaking all others, be faithful to him as long as you both shall live?" "I will" "Who giveth this woman to be married to this man?" "I do" "Alistair and Ju" "Alistair and Judith, I now invite you to joins hands and make your vows in the presence of God death us do part, according to God's holy law" "Mothballs" "Judith, I give you this ring as a sign of our marriage" "Judith, I give you this ring as a sign of our marriage" " With my body I honour you" " With my body I honour you" " All that I am I give to you" " All that I am I give to you" " All that I have I share with you" " All that I have I share with you" "Within the love of God" "Alistair and Judith have given their consent and made their marriage vows to each other" "I therefore proclaim that they are husband and wife" "Those whom God has joined together let no one put asunder" "Cheese!" "One more, please" "Cheese!" " Look, it's Harry" " Yes, so it is" " Hello, Harry" " Hello, Sandy" " Have a drink" " No, really I'm fine" "No, no, really Nonsense, it's a wedding" "Jan, come and meet some people I'd like you to meet" " You look lovely" " Thank you" "So, when are you leaving?" "Oh, I don't have to go I've got the whole weekend off" "No, I meant Canada" "Oh, right, Canada" "Wednesday" " That soon?" " Yeah" " You do look lovely" " Oh, it's the dress" "No, it's not" "Ah, now you're the young fellow I've been looking for" "You're the Mountie, aren't you?" "No, sir I'm going on attachment to the Mounties" "I knew it was something like that" " Sandy, can you spare a minute?" " Yes, of course" "Excuse us" "You know, a little birdie tells me that you used to be very sweet on young Sandy" " Well, wouldn't you be?" " Oh, I would" "Why aren't you taking her with you, then?" "Well, I don't know" "Well, I do I haven't asked her" "You don't look like a simpleton" " The thing is" " Yeah?" "The thing is, I'm only a copper It's not a lot to offer" " And Canada" " It's a fine country" "Yes, but it's another continent" "Look, what you need, my boy, is a spot of Dutch courage" " Go on, drink up" " I'm not really used to champagne" "Oh, harmless!" "Good heavens, I could down a bottle of that stuff when I was eight years old" " There Cheers" " What the hell Cheers" "Cheers" "What's Judy doing?" "She's taken Sandy off" "It has to be said, I think you picked the wrong place to arrange a tryst" " Well, it's all these people" " Well, that's what I meant" "Hello" " Oh, hello, Stephen" " Stop following me about" "I came from a different direction" "What is wrong with you two?" " Ask him" " Stephen?" "I may as well tell you" " You know Stephen's OBE?" " Yes" " He didn't get it" " What do you mean, he didn't get it?" "He turned it down" " Stephen, why?" " Well, I didn't mean to" "It's forms, you see I've never been very good with forms" "There's this form from Downing Street, as we call it" "You have the option of accepting or declining the honour" "Boxes to tick" "I must have ticked the wrong box, 'cause we never heard back" "Look, it's not funny It's a public humiliation" "It can't be public if nobody knows about it" "A humiliation, then" "I had the same problem with my last passport application" "Kept ticking the wrong boxes" "Thing went back and forth about ten times before I got it right" "And the visa application when we went to America" " What, same thing?" " Yes" "He ticked the box that time declaring he was mentally unstable" "Not far from the truth, is it?" "Oh, do stop following me about" " Look, have you seen Sandy?" " I've been talking to you" "Oh, well, go and prise Harry from Rocky and find her" " Ooh, I know what I wanted to ask you" " What is it, Stephen?" "Have you ever played with a Game Boy?" "No, I said you don't see many firkins around these days" "Oh, well, they usually have them in fish and chip shops" " Fish and chip shops?" " In jars" "You're not talking about firkins, you're talking about gherkins" " Harry?" " Well done with the speech, my boy" "I'm glad you got in that joke about the parrot" " Didn't go awfully well, did it?" " Well, I laughed" "Thanks Would you mind if I borrow Harry for a bit?" "No, no Of course not I wanted to have a word with young Sandy" "Ah, there she is" " Why do you want to borrow me?" " Well, because, um" " Because" " I'm not worthy of her, you know" "Look, just stay here for a minute" "Erm, have another glass of champagne" "It's just a question of pressing the right buttons at the right time, really" "Look, sorry to interrupt, Stephen" " Look, Sandy's back" " Oh, where?" "She's over there, but Rocky's collared her now" "Oh, if only we'd had a seating plan, this wouldn't have happened" "Look, excuse me, Stephen Come on" "No, decisive action, you see" "Now, if I was Harry, and I was going to Canada" "Rocky, I don't want to seem rude, but I'm getting a little bit fed up with sentences that begin with "if I were Harry"" "Point taken I'm sorry, my dear" "Sandy, you should be talking to Harry" " Should I, really?" " Yes" " Lionel" " Resistance is futile" "Harry?" "Harry, look" "It's Sandy!" "Hello again, Harry" "You look lovely" " You said that" " Yes, but you do" "Sandy, I've been" "Ladies and gentlemen, the bride and groom are leaving" "Just hold the thought, Harry" "Bye, Lionel" "Good luck, Judy" "Bye, Mum Thanks for everything" " You'll be in touch" " Yes" " Pop-in-law" " Lionel" "Oh, all right, just this once Lionel" " Look after her, Alistair" " You bet And hey, thanks again for seeing to my legs" " Is this something I should know about?" " Never Off you go" " Bye" " Bye" "The bouquet!" "The bouquet!" "Oh, right!" "To the right, to the right" "Oh, dear I wasn't supposed to do that, was I?" "Sorry, Mum" " Bye!" "Bye!" " Bye!" "They've gone" " You always wanted them to" " I know" "Come on" "How many people do you know who've turned down OBEs?" "Well, none" "Well, there you are, then It marks out Stephen as an individual" "Yeah A sort of maverick" "Yes, if you like" "With a sort of dangerous edge" "You sure it doesn't make him look a complete fool?" "Of course not, 'cause he never reveals the real reason" "If anyone asks him, he just looks enigmatic and says, "I'd rather not discuss it"" "Put like that, it sounds positively intriguing" " Yes, yes it does" " Well, there you are, then" "Stephen, what are you doing?" "Looking enigmatic" "That's not enigmatic" "You just look vacant" " Do we have to stay till the end?" " Yes, of course we have to stay till the end" " I can't see Harry and Sandy anywhere" " Oh, don't let's start all that again" "No, but it's such a perfect moment for Harry to say something" "I don't think he's got the nerve Still, 50% success rate" "I best be off now It's nearly time for Mother's Bovril" "Thanks for coming, Lol" "No, thank you for asking me A really grand do" "It'll go down in village history, this will" " Have you got the wedding cake for your mother?" " Oh, rather" "She put her best teeth in to eat that" "Goodbye" "The choppy Channel came to nothing, and I've made you up a bedroom" "Why?" "Because you shouldn't drive home in your condition" "I'm not in a condition" "It would be very nice Thank you, Mrs Bale" "Come on, Mrs Bale, I fancy a tango" "They're not playing a tango" "Oh, stop nitpicking" "What about you?" "Do you fancy a shuffle round?" "Only if we smooch" "That's taken as read" "Oh, look!" "Oh, look!" "What am I supposed to be looking at?" "Harry and Sandy" "Together at last" "Where there's life, there's hope" "He passed out" "# You must remember this" "#A kiss is still a kiss" "#A sigh is just a sigh" "# The fundamental things apply" "#As time goes by" "#And when two lovers woo" "# They still say, "I love you"" "# On that you can rely" "# The world will always welcome lovers" "#As time goes by #"