"Captioning made possible by mgm home entertainment" "[drum roll] man: and the winner is... gloria sanchez!" "[Applause] congratulations, gloria sanchez!" "Woman: that was the climactic moment last night at the little miss havana pageant as gloria sanchez won the crown." "And with election day only 4 weeks away, it was no surprise to see our very own handsome congressman steve marcus getting acquainted with some of his voters." "Congressman marcus faces a tough fight in one of the most closely contested races in southern florida." "The beauty contest, hosted by the council de cubanos americanos, attracted an enthusiastic crowd." "Festivities lasted all night with dancing till dawn." "[Whistles]" "[whistles]" "frankie!" "[Whistles] ohh..." "[knocking on door] man: it's me!" "Come on, frankie!" "Open up!" "Frankie, i'm sorry." "I know i'm a little late, but, you know, i was working." "You shoulda seen me." "I was great!" "You know how big the cuban-american vote is down here, and they love me!" "[Shaking maraca] save it for miss little havana, steve." "* Look here, girls, take this advice * * and remember always in life * * into each heart * * some tears must fall * * though you love and lose, you must stand tall * * 'cause we all have to cry sometimes *" "* i said cry sometimes * * pull yourself together * * no use crying forever * * because there's too many fish in the sea * * too many fish in the sea * * i said there's short ones, tall ones *" "* fine ones, kind ones * * too many fish in the sea * * doo doo doo doo * * my mother once told me something * * and every word is true * * don't waste your time on a fella *" "* who doesn't love you * * he'll only deceive you * * only grieve you * * don't worry about him, let him go * * do without him * * because there's too many fish in the sea *" "* uh-huh * * too many fish in the sea * * i said there's short ones, tall ones * * fine ones, kind ones * * too many fish in the sea * * doo doo doo doo *" "* well, if that fish isn't on your line * * bait your hook and keep on tryin' * * don't let him get you down * * there's other boys around * * 'cause there's too many fish in the sea... *" "[honking horn] * i said there's short ones, tall ones * * fine ones, kind ones * * too many fish in the sea * * too many fish in the sea * sir, chill out!" "* I said there's short ones, tall ones * * fine ones, kind ones * * too many fish in the sea * * doo doo doo doo doo *" "* i don't want nobody that don't want me * * 'cause there's too many fish in the sea * * i don't need nobody that don't need me * * 'cause there's too many fish in the sea *" "* i never want nobody that don't want me... * [horn honks] aah!" "Watch it!" "* Ain't gonna love nobody that don't love me * * 'cause there's too many fish in the sea * * i'll never need nobody that don't need me * * 'cause there's too many fish in the sea *" "morning, pinky." "Breakfast as usual, andget me a cosmopolitan, a glamour, a new woman, complete woman, working woman, and modern wrestler." "You got it." "I'm in a hurry, so just send them up, ok?" "Morning, bruce." "Morning." "Meyerholtz group is still waiting on the promo copy." "Giraldi likes the slogan, but he wants to delete the word "small."" "He thinks it's a turnoff." "Ok, change it from "small enough to hold"" "to "big enough to grab on to."" "Frankie-- and dr." "Ramdas and the n.a.s.a. people are offering you a rush job on some project of theirs." "They're waiting for you in conference room b." "Excuse me, bruce, i have the floor." "Frankie, i didn't think that we were taking on any new clients until after the marcus campaign." "Thanks, suzy, but we just finished." "We did?" "By the way, folks, we're dropping congressman marcus." "We are?" "But why?" "I don't understand." "Suzy, just burn the file and bill him, ok?" "And your mother called at 8:45, 9:00, 9:15-- something about have you decided on the lime green bows or the passion pink rhinestones for your shoes for your sister's wedding?" "Oh, god!" "Tell her i'm coming barefoot-- in black." "[Chuckles] oh, wait." "Hold?" "Smile... perfect." "Sorry, gentlemen, to keep you waiting." "I'm always late, but i'm worth it." "Ok, boys." "Let's see what you've got." "[Music playing] man: chemtec gives us america's future today, bringing space inside the american home." "And now it is developing its most extraordinary creation yet, the ulysses android, destined to revolutionize the american way of life." "Developed here at chemtec laboratory under my direct supervision, ulysses is the closest thing to man himself." "The future applications for such an android are virtually infinite:" "handling hazardous chemicals, detecting radiation, disarming explosives, fighting fires, test-piloting new aircrafts, and, of course, exploring space." "The awesome distances, prolonged periods of time, and tortuous confinement have made deep space exploration problematic for the human pilot." "We believe the ulysses android is the answer." "Ok, i think i've seen enough." "Bruce?" "What do you think?" "Well, it's not gonna win any oscars." "And what's more important, we're losing our funding in congress." "That's why we came here." "We need to make people see how important this project is." "Miss stone... the ulysses android is an amazing piece of equipment." "Yeah, but... i'm not used to promoting hardware, doctor." "I promote people." "Politicians, businessmen, the occasional rock star." "Dr. Ramdas... do you know who controls most of america's tv dials and buys 72 % of all magazines?" "Women." "And if this publicity campaign is gonna work, that, gentlemen, is your target group." "This sounds like something you could do in, say, 35 days?" "Only if i can publicize the android my way, and that means full media saturation." "And i promise you, boys, i'll have everyone in congress itching to fund your program before you can say e.t." "welcome to chemtec." "Parking in lot c." "Thanks." "Welcome to chemtec, miss stone." "Oh, dr." "Ramdas, it's a pleasure." "Quite a facility you've got." "Well, thank you." "It's the way of the future." "Your visitor's pass." "Would you follow me, please?" "Sure." "P.a.: paging dr." "Nipatoe." "Dr. Nipatoe to robotics, room d, please." "Dr. Nipatoe... this is where ulysses was born." "In the future, making love will no longer be necessary for the creation of life." "It can all be done far more efficiently in the lab." "How romantic." "Of course, i myself prefer the old-fashioned way." "Why don't you wait in here?" "I'll see if dr." "Peters is free." "I know he'd like to meet you." "Okey-dokey." "Oh!" "Oh, hi, you must be dr." "Peters." "I'm frankie stone." "What do you call these?" "What?" "Oh--wh-- what are you-- you've been in this lab too long, buddy!" "P.a.: paging dr." "Stevenson." "You're wanted in image processing, dr." "Peterberg." "Oh, my god!" "I knew it!" "One minute with a woman and he short-circuits." "My god, he looks like you!" "What did you think he'd look like, an erector set?" "What's the matter, no man ever lose his head over you before?" "[Snorts] he looks so real." "He--he-- he is real... in his own way." "Metal, proteins, synthetic fibers." "He's no different than you or i." "What's that?" "That--i-i-- is his reset button." "It reactivates his motor control." "I told ramdas that the concept of a woman would merely confuse him." "Ulysses, stop playing games." "Ulysse-- ulysses!" "Here." "Oh--uh!" "[Beep beep]" "dr." "Ramdas: i thought showing you these tapes might help to make you more familiar with the droid." "You see, miss stone, programming the android takes him just so far." "The rest must be learned like a human child." "We had some difficulty with his gross motor functions before we modified his cerebral muscular coordination." "[Frankie giggles] dr." "Peters, severely:" "edge perception, miss stone, is extremely difficult." "[Giggles] dr." "Peters: it--it may look simple to you, but it really is an incredibly sophisticated series of programs." "Dr. Peters:" "once we were able to modify his hand/eye coordination, we--we realized he had a retinal resolution" "10 times greater than that of the average human eye." "Dr. Peters:" "and as you can see, we licked that problem." "Frankie: well, if all else fails, he can always take your place on jury duty." "Men: * happy birthday to you * * happy birthday to you * * happy birthday, dear ulysses * * happy birthday to you * [all cheering]" "ahem." "Dr. Peters, he really is an amazing creation, but i think that we might wanna take some time to polish up his social graces." "Social graces?" "What for?" "Jeff, i've gotta agree with miss stone." "I think a woman would be a good influence on him." "Trish?" "Hi!" "What are you doing here?" "Ivy's wedding isn't until next week." "[Dog whimpering] oh, trish... i can't believe donald would do this to you!" "Yeah, my mother was right." "I should never have married an actor." "Ohh... what's going on?" "Are you having a garage sale?" "Oh, you might call it that." "I'm changing my life, getting rid of the garbage." "Oh, no!" "Steve, too?" "Mm-hmm." "Jesus, frankie, i always thought steve was about the best you were gonna do." "But it's nice to know i'm not the only one who's been dragged through the mud by some macho scum." "[Dog barks] snowball!" "Trish, it wasn't exactly like that." "You know, frankie, being single again could be really great." "I mean, you could go wherever you wanted, sleep with whoever you wanted, have absolutely incredible sex with strangers." "Like, um... i've never made it with a bodybuilder, have you?" "Or an acrobat?" "[Laughing] how about a car mechanic?" "A sweaty one." "[Laughs] i've never even tried a m age à trois, have you?" "With steve?" "Mm-hmm." "Oh, god, it was hard enough to get him alone." "Oh." "And even then it wasn't hard enough." "[Both laughing]" "well, frankie, when you think about it... there are a lot of possibilities." "Frankie: ok... that's the first problem." "You've got nice eyes, ulysses, now use them." "Look at me." "Why?" "I know you're there." "Because looking someone in the eyes makes them feel that you care about what they're saying." "That's point number one:" "make eye contact." "And point number 2 is listening." "Now, you look at a woman, or anyone, for that matter, and listen-- as if what they're saying is the most important thing in the entire world." "Good." "Good." "Now, point number 3:" "confidence." "[Intercom buzzes] just stay there." "Stay... stay." "[Buzz] yeah?" "Woman: steve marcus is here to see you." "Ok, uh, just hold him there, would you?" "I'll be right up." "Ulysses, why don't you watch this for a little while, ok?" "They have nobody." "Phil donahue:" "you also are, like-- i'm very pleased that you would be-- oh!" "Here." "Here." "This is a talk show." "Now, you're gonna be on one of these in a couple of weeks, so i want you to study, okey-dokey?" "Okey-dokey." "How 'bout, should you marry, what about children... i'll be right back." "Biological clock, all that stuff?" "Yes, my biologic clock is counting down, and, um, i would like to have children." "And, uh, right now, i just try to psych myself out of not having children because i don't think they're in my future." "Um, are you looking for mr." "Right?" "Yes." "Yes, but-- isn't that a trap?" "Is there such a person?" "P.a.: attention, welding teams c and d... hi." "Please report to annex b on c level." "[Whispering] what are you doing here?" "I have to talk to you!" "You won't return my phone ca-- shh!" "My phone calls!" "Here." "What happened to your lip?" "It's a mustache." "I felt that it would make me look more mature." "Voters like that." "Well, i'm a voter, steve." "You don't like it?" "!" "Shh!" "Why are you here?" "Is there someplace a little more private where we can talk?" "Yeah, sure." "I'll walk you to your car." "One of the things is that you can't sit around on your hoopey-doopey waiting for mr." "Right to come!" "Woman: she's not doing that." "Man: yeah, i know, but you've gotta get out there, and you've gotta let yourself be known." "You've gotta say, "here i am, and i'm worthwhile."" "I think a lot of that depends on your own image of your self." "If you sit home and turn on the television set, don't expect anything to happen!" "Get out there and say, "look at me!" "I'm gorgeous!"" "Donahue:" "but the problem is, there aren't that many other gorgeous, wonderful people out there!" "That's the problem!" "Man: well, you know, i don't-- woman: there are-- there are a lot-- man: i don't believe it!" "I think there are!" "Donahue: all right." "Are the--what's the matter?" "Yes, ma'am, would you kindly stand?" "Second woman:" "yes, i am a widow." "I've been a widow for 5 years." "And i've found out the best way... [blows air] ...and do something for somebody." "[Applause] donahue: and we'll be back in just a moment." "[Donahue theme playing]" "man: aren't you tired of politicians who don't give a damn about what you think?" "We are." "Who are we?" "We're voters for steven marcus, believers in a better congress with better congressmen." "What makes marcus so much better than even the so-called "best"?" "He's sensitive to your needs." "I really believe he cares." "He's smart as a whip." "He stands for the issues that really matter." "Una persona sincera." "I think he's just like you and me, except he's a little better." "Man: steven marcus." "It takes a man this sensitive to know your needs." "Paid for by citizens for marcus." "[Donahue theme starts]" "donahue: here's the point." "If you're looking for mr." "Right, then your well-being is determined by... what are you doi-- it takes a man thissensitive to know your needs." "My god, that w-woman is turning you into a hooker!" "Woman: i think that i have a hope that there is a mr." "Right out there for me." "How you doin', skippy?" "Is that your new campaign manager?" "[Laughs] that's very funny." "Come on, frankie." "[Sighs] i need you back on board." "Skipper?" "Take a break." "You know, i've, uh... i've really missed you." "[Laughs] i'm desperate." "I fell three points in the polls." "My entire career is on the line!" "Ok, call the office." "Maybe we can recommend somebody." "I already have." "I mean, i'm considering, uh-- i'm considering hiring suzy duncan." "You mean my assistant suzy duncan?" "Well, why not?" "She's had some good ideas so far." "Look, frankie!" "Look, you come back!" "We can keep it strictly professional." "I mean, we can, uh-- we could even date other people!" "I mean, i thought that's what you'd want!" "Isn't it?" "Are you dating other people?" "Well, yeah, i mean, you know, kind of." "Aren't you?" "Yeah, sure." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Jesus, that was damn quick work!" "We only broke up last tuesday!" "What, you keep this guy on a back burner or something?" "Steve!" "Well, it got serious pretty goddamned quick!" "Look, i don't have time to get into this right now." "I've gotta go back to work." "It's somebody you work with, right?" "See, you never were very good at separating business from pleasure!" "I need to speak with you right now." "Jeff!" "Look, don't-- don't get upset." "There's nothing to be jealous about." "I'm not jealous!" "Uh, steve marcus." "Jeff peters." "Dr. Jeff peters." "Well, i hope you're registered, jeff, because i'm gonna be needing you out there 4 weeks from tuesday." "I don't follow politics." "[Chuckles] sorry, steve." "Take good care of him, skippy." "Ok?" "Bye bye." "What are you doing?" "[Whispering] shh!" "You're my new boyfriend." "Miss stone, if i have unwittingly led you on, i sincerely apologize." "Don't flatter yourself." "I hate men." "[Woman mis-speaking spanish]" "ivy, must you babble like that?" "You are going to shave those before the wedding?" "Hector likes me like this." "Shaving's such a bourgeois concept, mom." "Marriage is a bourgeois concept, ivy." "How come i can't talk you out of that?" "Sorry i'm late!" "Well, you two look adorable." "Who's getting married here, huh?" "The wrong person." "You could have married the most eligible bachelor in all of miami if you'd played your cards right, and your sister here insists on marrying a busboy." "Hector and i are in love, mom!" "What's love got to do with it?" "Frankie and steve had a relationship." "It didn't work out." "Did they have to go through a horrendous divorce like me?" "No, they were sensible." "They parted as friends." "If i never see him again, it will be a day too soon." "How about a week from saturday, frankie?" "It's bad enough you asked that creep to the wedding, but, mother, asking steve to give ivy away!" "I certainly did not invite him!" "He called ivy, didn't he, ivy?" "You asked him." "No, i didn't!" "It was his idea." "Well, he said you wouldn't mind, frankie." "Oh, i don't mind." "I just won't come." "No problem!" "We'll call off the wedding!" "I'm happy to lose my deposit!" "I'm getting married, mother!" "So, you're really not gonna come, frankie?" "Of course i'll be there." "I'm a big girl." "I'll come." "It's no big deal." "Oh, you're amazing, frankie." "I knew you'd understand." "Mother: bye, ivy!" "Woman: oh, ho ho!" "Bullshit, donny!" "Stop seeing that no-good slut!" "* Doo doo doo doo roast beef and salami * [woman and man yelling]" "who are you?" "Where's trish?" "Moe glickstein, don's business manager." "This is manny our accountant." "Are you a friend of trish's or something?" "I happen to live here." "Oh!" "Oh, very nice place you've got here!" "Sit down, have a nosh." "Manny, give her some of your corned beef." "Why not?" "I'm not hungry." "What's going on?" "My boy donny suddenly announces he's losing his equilibrium." "He can't sleep, he can't work." "He needs his old lady back." "Ah, he's a meshugenuh!" "Hey, you want a pickle?" "Honey, you can't go up there." "Don and trish need their space!" "Oh, you've gotta be kidding me." "Honey, calm down!" "Here's $20." "I can get you in to tiny tim at the eden roc." "It's a terrific show." "What do you say, huh?" "Trish: bullshit, donny!" "Ohh!" "Oh, ulysses, what are you doing here?" "Standing." "That's what i do at night." "That's it?" "You don't... read or watch television or multiply 6-digit numbers?" "No." "Ulysses, why are you staring at me like that?" "Because you taught me to and because i think you're attractive." "I think you're the most attractive woman i know." "I'm the only woman you know." "But thanks, ulysses." "That's nice." "You're welcome." "Frankie, what are you doing here?" "Good question." "Ohh, i'm tired, and i guess i didn't know where else to go." "Jeff taught me to massage the body part when i have a spasm in my mechanism." "Uh... [cracking] [chuckling] oh." "Hee hee hee!" "Um... you know, ulysses, you can't just go grabbing people's feet like that." "Why not?" "Well, because it just isn't done." "Why?" "Well, um... you see, there are--are rules for social behavior, and, um... well... relationships between people develop in stages, and... to get physical with someone, you have to get to know them first." "Now, if you don't mind, i've had a very long day, and i'd like to get some sleep." "Good night, ulysses." "Good night." "Good night." "What was that?" "A kiss." "People kiss when they like each other." "It's a sign of love or affection." "Although in my case, maybe i'm going nuts." "Now, ulysses, if you don't mind, could you just stand out here in the hallway, please?" "Sweet dreams." "Sweet dreams." "[Smack]" "jeff!" "Jeff!" "Excuse me." "Sure." "Guess you didn't see me back there, huh?" "Hello, sandra." "I told you to call me sandy!" "We're still friends, aren't we?" "I take the blame for everything that happened the other night, but, you know what they say, getting started's the hardest part." "Look, i've got a lot of work to do." "And i'm the carefree type, no pressures, no demands, anything for a laugh." "We're still on for tonight, aren't we?" "Y-y-yeah." "Yeah." "I--i guess so." "Ok!" "Great!" "So... it's a date!" "[Giggles] oh, excuse me." "Ow!" "Damn!" "P.a.: all those wishing to participate in dr." "Niederhol's single interface are to meet in artificial intelligence, room b, promptly at 6:00." "I love you, jeff." "[Smack] oh, my god!" "What is that woman teaching you?" "Dr. Peters: she is cluttering his progress with useless nonsense, monopolizing very valuable training time with god knows what." "But--wha--b--e-- emotional tics that i have worked to get out of my own personality, she has managed to drum into him overnight!" "This morning, ulysses met me in-- in that hall, and he kissed me... right near my mouth." "I guess he likes you, jeff." "Um, very funny." "Miss stone?" "I am not amused." "Ulysses is going into deep space." "He is going to be alone for 7 years." "He is not going out to discotheques." "All right." "All right." "Jeff... if you feel you need more time with ulysses-- yes, i do!" "I'm sure miss stone can reschedule." "And, miss stone, please, try to stick to the essentials." "Ok." "Oh, and, jeff... now that ulysses is acting more human, perhaps he could give you a few lessons." "[Door slams]" "bruce: well,i'm still waiting to hear from good morning, america and live at 5:00, butthe only confirmation i haveso far is from eye on miami." "Jesus, bruce, can't we get anything national?" "Well, the dr." "Ruth people aren't sure." "They wanna know if... if he has a, uh-- a penis." "Forget it." "Try the carson people." "Ok." "P.a.: paging dr." "Nipatoe." "Dr. Nipatoe, your pizza is here." "Oh, wait!" "Wait!" "Shit!" "Woman: yes?" "All right." "Yes, sure." "Good night, dr." "Peters." "Is everything all right?" "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." "* ...can't see me loving nobody but you * * for all my life * miss stone?" "Please." "* ...you're with me * * baby, the skies will be blue * * for all my life * dr." "Ramdas?" "Eh, you know, dr." "Peters can get a little excited sometimes." "Yes, i've noticed." "Ulysses is a very expensive piece of equipment, but i want you to know that i have complete faith in you." "I know you'd never do anything to jeopardize this project." "Thanks, dr." "Ramdas." "Nice wheels." "* ...all my life * * when you're with me, baby, the skies... * [engine roars]" "* ...me and you and you and me * * no matter how they toss the dice * * it had to be * * the only one for me is you and you for me * * so happy together *" "* ba ba ba ba * * ba ba ba ba ba ba ba * * ba ba ba ba * * ba ba ba ba * * ba ba ba ba ba ba ba * * ba ba ba ba *" "* me and you and you and me * * no matter how they toss the dice * * it had to be * * the only one for me is you and you for me * * so happy together *" "* so happy together * * ooh ooh ooh ooh * * how is the-- *" "aah!" "Oh, god!" "This is great!" "What are you doing there?" "But jeff never told me it would be like this!" "Oh, my god!" "Frankie: ulysses!" "Get in the car!" "Frankie: ulysses!" "I could go to prison for this!" "Ulysses, get back here right now!" "You're making me very angry!" "Ohh!" "Oh, pardon me." "Dr. Peters?" "Is that you?" "What are you doing down there?" "Steve." "Steve marcus." "We met once before, remember?" "It takes a man this sensitive to know your needs." "Well, yes." "That's the, uh-- that's the campaign slogan." "But, uh, what really concerns me-- sir." "Sir." "See you out there-- what really concerns me, of course, are the issues." "Ulysses--steve!" "Hi!" "What a surprise!" "Steve, there's a b-a-b-y over there." "I think you should-- ahem." "Frankie!" "Well, suzy!" "You know, i love the hair, the mustache, the whole new look." "Suzy: really?" "You know, uh, frankie, i'm super sorry that i didn't call you, but after all, this is my big shot, you know?" "Well... not all that large, suz." "But i'm happy for you, really." "I wish you all the success you deserve." "Well, off we go." "Right, jeff?" "Bye bye!" "See you at the wedding!" "What's a wedding?" "Man on tv: joker... joker... hey!" "[Applause and cheering] so, what can i help you with?" "I'm going to a wedding." "No, you're not." "I'm sorry, sir." "We're just looking." "A wedding!" "Mazel tov!" "You've come to the right place." "So, you seem like the kind of guy who's ready to take a fashion chance." "I've got something, it's gonna knock your socks off." "I don't wear socks." "Ha ha ha!" "Right." "Ha ha ha!" "So what are you?" "A 38?" "40?" "Huh?" "Oh, here we are!" "Try this on, my friend." "Um... ulysses, don't waste this nice man's time." "Now, take it off." "I like it, frankie." "He likes it, frankie." "You don't like it, frankie?" "No." "You prefer something more conservative?" "No problem." "How about your basic black, huh?" "Half-price-- no." "Because i'm a nice guy, i'll even throw in some shoes." "So listen, when's the affair?" "Ulysses: frankie?" "What do i do now?" "Put on the jacket and the pants." "Frankie: no." "Take the jumpsuit off first." "Is it congenital or contagious?" "Drugs." "Uh-huh." "Now what do i do?" "Oh, my god!" "Is there something wrong?" "Nothing a rabbi couldn't fix." "Salesman: take a look at this guy, huh?" "Now, that's what we call pizzazz!" "Think about it while i write up the bill." "Frankie, do i look bad?" "No, you look great." "Um, look, ulysses, i didn't mean to embarrass you back there, it's just that... well, i've always thought of you as a child, if you know what i mean." "Yes." "Yes." "Um... uh, what i'm trying to say is, um... well, see i--i just don't understand why jeff felt it was necessary to give you that, um... thing." "Jeff felt it would give me confidence." "Salesman: ok, i'm gonna throw in some shorts." "Oh... ok!" "With the shoes and the cumberbund, that comes to $294.98 with the tax." "We accept cash, credit cards." "Would you prefer our convenient layaway loan program?" "Oh, no, no." "[Alarm beeping] he just wanted to try one on." "It was just kind of a joke." "Electronic voice:" "we're sorry, but we failed to remove the inventory control-- ulysses!" "Uh... we accept all major credit cards." "Howdy, pardner!" "Come on down to big bob's end-of-the-year stereo r-r-roundup." "Howdy, pardner!" ""Howdy."" "Everything in our corral must go!" "T-t-tvs!" "Vcrs!" "Microwaves!" "You name it, we got it!" "Howdy, pardner!" "Come on down to big bob's... sandy: jeff." "Jeff!" "Hi!" "It's me!" "Hi!" "Howdy, pardner." "Ha ha ha!" "Howdy!" "That's funny, us bumping into each other like this, huh?" "Small world!" "Yes, it is." "The earth is the fifth largest planet in the solar system, its diameter being 7,918 miles." "Hey, you look great!" "You got a tuxedo on and everything." "I hope you didn't do that just for me." "Although i'd really be flattered if you did." "We're still on for tonight, aren't we?" "'Cause i had a great time the other night, and i was just thinking that you were just beginning to like me, although i don't wanna pressure you at all." "What is your name?" "Sandy!" "Ha ha ha!" "You got a short memory!" "Live for the moment, right?" "Ha ha ha!" "Hey!" "I just had a crazy idea." "What if, instead of going out tonight, we just went out right now, just-- ha ha ha!" "I don't know, what would you think?" "Okey-dokey." "Well, great!" "You're really in a good mood!" "So, i'll just go change." "I got a new designer outfit, and i'll be right back." "Don't go away!" "Ha ha ha!" "Hey... [laughing]" "does it seem like people are staring at us?" "We must look pretty great together!" "Oh, god, if i felt this good all the time, i wouldn't be back in therapy." "You know what i mean?" "No, i don't, sandy." "Ohh!" "Look at those earrings!" "I've been dreaming about those ever since july!" "Would you like them?" "You think i was hinting." "I was just daydreaming!" "They're too expensive." "No!" "No!" "Oh!" "Salesman:" "a wonderful choice." "Those are japanese cultured pearls in a very handsome setting." "Jeff, no, really." "I can't." "I-- [giggles] this is so embarrassing!" "They'll look lovely on you, miss." "Thank you, jeff." "I have a confession to make." "I'm really just an old-fashioned girl and... getting a gift from a man really means a lot to me." "Yes." "That'll be $139.56 with the tax." "Would you like to pay with credit card, cash, or check?" "Sir?" "Sir?" "Jeff, the money." "I don't have any." "Huh?" "[Chuckles]" "that's ok!" "I don't mind, really." "I-- they're just so beautiful." "You take american express?" "What an amazing concept!" "You don't have a credit card?" "Jeff, you're really a lot different than i thought you were. [Laughs]" "trish!" "Thank god you're there!" "Look, i'm with my cousin-- actually, i'm not with him, but i should be." "Yes, i have a cousin." "He's in for the wedding." "Who cares if he's cute?" "!" "Look, if by any chance he shows up there, just keep him there, would you?" "I'll be at the lab." "I can't explain!" "Just do it!" "[Tires squeal]" "here you go." "You certainly have quite an appetite." "Yes." "I never get food with so many colors." "What do you usually eat, jeff?" "Phenodyethemine in an amino acid base." "Guess that means you don't cook, huh?" "Ow!" "Jeez!" "Well, i think i've had about enough fun for one night." "My cash is gone, and my credit card's getting a little thin." "Why don't we just go home?" "Could you take me?" "You don't have your car!" "No." "Ok!" "Where do you wanna go?" "Frankie stone's?" "You'll like her!" "Oh, no, i won't!" "[Pschht pschht] [telephone rings]" "[ring] [ring]" "[ring]" "hello?" "No." "No." "Mrs. Stone is-- miss stone is not here right now." "All right." "[Musical notes ring]" "oh, thank god you're here!" "Miss stone, my god!" "Jeff!" "Haven't you ascertained by now that i have no desire in pursuing intimate relations with you?" "!" "Sorry, jeff." "Sorry." "[Sobbing] * this magic moment * * so different and so new * * will last forever... * where is he?" "Oh, frankie!" "He must have broken his neck." "What?" "He just flew out of control!" "And he jerked forward!" "It was terrible!" "Wait!" "Where is he?" "[Sobbing]" "aah!" "[Barks] frankie: trish!" "He was so giving, so compassionate." "He had such a wonderful understanding of a woman's heart and now he's dead!" "Trish, trish, calm down!" "Now, what happened?" "I couldn't help it." "It was the way he looked at me." "He was so beautiful, and all of a sudden we were in each other's arms, and we were making love, and it was so-- wait a minute!" "You were making what?" "!" "We were making love, and it was the most beautiful thing i have ever felt in my entire life!" "Wait!" "Wait!" "Wait a minute!" "Wait a minute!" "He could do that?" "With you?" "Why shouldn't he do that with me?" "Oh, trish!" "Damn it!" "Did you show him how?" "This is getting a little sick, don't you think?" "Your cousin is dead on the kitchen floor!" "He was on top of me, inside me, and then he just started going crazy!" "His head started twisting off, and he died!" "[Sobbing] trish... trish, just help me get his head off, would you?" "Ohh!" "My god!" "What are you talking about?" "!" "Listen!" "I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but you didn't make love to my cousin." "You just made it with my android!" "[Dog whimpers] your what?" "Ewwh!" "[Sobbing] ewwh!" "What are you so happy about?" "It's so beautiful out here, frankie." "You know, i'm really enjoying our date." "Let's get one thing straight, ulysses." "This is not a date, ok?" "Is that because you're uptight?" "No, i am not uptight!" "And who taught you that stupid word?" "Trish." "That figures." "Look, ulysses, i'm just a little upset right now, ok?" "It's 3:00 in the morning, i'm tired, i haven't changed clothes for two days, and you've probably just cost me my job." "I'm sorry, frankie." "[Chuckles] i mean, what a joke!" "Me, trying to turn you into somebody that everybody in america's supposed to fall in love with." "Frankie?" "Why do people want to fall in love?" "I don't know, ulysses." "You're asking the wrong girl." "Don't you want to fall in love?" "Yeah, sure." "Why not?" "But, believe me, it's not that easy." "You fall in love with some guy, but he's in love with somebody else." "Or you think you're in love, but you're not." "Or he thinks he's in love, but he's not." "Or he was in love, but now he's not, but now you are." "You make it sound so complicated." "It is complicated." "And, ulysses, you should be glad that you're not human and you don't have to suffer through that kind of humiliation." "If i were human, frankie, it would be simple." "I would be in love with you." "You know, frankie, i thought last night was a lot of fun, but i think tonight was even better." "I'm glad you had fun." "I certainly did." "Good." "Now i want you to go in there and change back into your jumpsuit, and please, ulysses, don't say a word about this evening to anyone, ok?" "Ok." "Ok, good." "Good night." "Can i keep my tuxedo?" "Ok." "For now." "Does that mean i can go to a wedding?" "I'm sorry, ulysses." "Just go change, ok?" "Good night." "[Beeping] ulysses: jeff?" "What?" "Let's say there's this certain person that you really like, but then you have sex with someone else." "Now... a: do you have to like the person you have sex with?" "B: do you have to have sex with the person you like?" "C: do you have to stop liking the person you like?" ""D"-- d... none of the above." "I'm going to have to change your program." "But, jeff, what about babies?" "Can i have one?" "It is that woman, isn't it?" "What has she been teaching you?" "!" "She's teaching me about life, jeff, and it's very interesting, but what i really need to know is, are love and sex the same thing?" "Look, ulysses, i want you to remember that you are much more advanced than that woman will ever be." "Do not let her drag you down to her level!" "She lives in an emotional swamp!" "But then, so do most people!" "Some minor activity occurs in the medulla, and--and wham!" "They think they're in love." "The next thing they know, they have 2 children and a canine." "And then, boom!" "Some neuron misfires, and they're divorced, miserable, and only get to see their children on sundays." "It is all chemical, ulysses, and it is all a waste of time." "You were made for grander things, pal." "Do you read me?" "Loud and clear, jeff." "Good, ulysses." "Good." "Jeff?" "Do you think miss stone has sex appeal?" "I do." "But steve's mother said steve said you had a date for the wedding, dear." "Frankie: i don't know what steve's talking about." "Well, according to steve's mother, he's not much to look at, but... i heard he was some sort of doctor." "We're all dying to meet him." "Mom, look, i told you i'm coming alone!" "Now, darling, you are gonna be able to dig up somebody, aren't you?" "Now, you don't want steve to see you there all alone, do you, dear?" "Mom, thanks for the advice." "I've gotta go." "Look, i'll call you when i get home, ok?" "Bye." "Ohh!" "Dr. Peters?" "Hi." "How did work go today?" "Fine." "Just... great." "Oh, good." "Ahem." "Jeff, um... i--i don't want to scare you, understand that, ok?" "But could i ask you something?" "Ok." "Um... well, for, uh, reasons i can't go into and you don't wanna know about, i have to go to this... wedding, and i need a date, and you'd be the exact perfect guy." "Now, this isn't a proposition." "I just wanna know if you might think about... maybe going with me?" "A wedding?" "Um, i don't know." "I'm not very good with people." "Oh, they're not people!" "They're just my family." "You know, jeff, you've got really nice eyes." "Have you ever considered maybe wearing contacts?" "Good night." "Frankie: you can pick me up at 4:00 at 1313 southeast 10th street, miami beach." "Ok?" "Thanks so much, jeff." "I really appreciate this." "Oh, hello." "Sandra, i'm--i'm sorry about last night." "I wasn't feeling well." "Ahem." "Shouldn't you be having your lunch now?" "I'm not hungry." "[Gasp] frankie!" "Frankie, come here!" "Frankie!" "What?" "What is it?" "That's her!" "That's the slut that stole donald." "I know nothing of the kind." "Look me in the eye and say that." "Do you want me to list the things we've done together?" "Oh... shut up." "Oh, my god, they're frenching!" "This is network tv, and they're using tongues!" "That's got to be against some rule!" "Oh, no." "No, i can't." "Please stop!" "Alessandro, i'm pregnant." "Trish: it better not be donald's." "Is this some trick of yours?" "What?" "If it is, i'll slap you." "Oh, go ahead and hit me." "Do you think that i have any pride left?" "Oh!" "Mmm!" "Oh." "Oh, i love you... and i hate you!" "[Melodramatic music] i love you, and i hate you, too." "Oh!" "New jersey." "It's not just a state." "It's a state of mind." "Huh... if we ever get back together, i'm going to hold this against him forever." "Look, trish, don't use that vcr, ok?" "I told you, i'm sending all of this stuff back tomorrow." "Oh, god!" "I don't see why ulysses bought you all this stuff anyone." "I'm the one who slept with him, for christ's sake." "It's bad enough to be dumped by donald but to be jilted by an android!" "Ulysses just thinks i'm mad at him, and this is his way of apologizing." "Hmm." "But still... why 12 pairs of the same shoe?" "Because he didn't know your shoe size." "He's so sweet." "Mind if i borrow the size 8?" "Hey, frankie, how do you think he manages to buy all this stuff?" "[Knock knock] hey, it looks like prom night out here." "Come on in." "You're looking spiffy." "Hey, trish!" "Our escort's here." "Oh." "Well, thanks, jeff." "It's, uh... oh, a wrist corsage." "Very cute." "Ah!" "Oh, my god!" "I can't believe they look exactly alike!" "I know." "I wonder if everything else is the same." "Ha ha ha!" "Ha ha ha!" "[Wedding march plays]" "what a wonderful reaffirmation of life." "Please, steve, cut the crap." "Dearly beloved... [speaking spanish] we are gathered here today... [speaking spanish]" "[camera shutter clicks] that's nice." "That's beautiful." "Oh, that's very romantic." "That's nice." "Hold that." "Very nice." "More romance." "Oh, that's very good." "Hold that." "Very nice." "[Car radio] * rock steady, baby * * that's what i feel now * * that's all the song... * [honk honk] hey, dude, are you all right?" "I'm going to a wedding." "* Sit yourself down in your car and take a ride... * that's way the hell in miami beach, my man." "Are you going way the hell in miami beach, my man?" "Come on." "Hop on in." "[Band playing]" "[applause] [speaking spanish] and now we'd like to call our beautiful bride to join her handsome esposo for tonight's first dance." "1, 2, 3." "[Music playing]" "ooh!" "Whoo!" "You can take the little umbrella out, jeff." "It's allowed." "How'd you like to dance?" "I'm... i'm not very good at it." "Oh, come on, it's easy." "I'll lead." "Hi, hi, hi!" "Steve, i'd like you to meet two superfabulous people, essie and ramon hernandez." "¿Como esta?" "Essie and ramon are real interested in nicaragua and all the issues and things." "And i know they'd like to hear about our special bingo fund-raiser." "Uno momento." "Back in a jiffy." "Why don't you take some time off, suzy?" "We're at a wedding!" "I'm doing it for you, honey." "I can't believe you." "You're worse than i am." "Hasta luego." "Hasta luego." "Thanks." "Hi." "So... mind if i cut in?" "This is our song." "I think that would be a good idea." "I didn't know babaloo was our song, steve." "Frankie, you're really exciting me in that dress." "Listen, what's the matter?" "It's a little difficult to take you seriously with that ridiculous mustache, steve." "Would you try?" "I mean, i don't tease you about yours." "Sometimes i forget what a creep you are." "Oh, come on, frankie." "Won't you give me a second chance?" "I think i'd like to marry you." "Careful, steve." "That almost sounded sincere." "Are you in love with that doofus or what?" "He happen to be one of the brightest men on this planet." "Oh, i don't doubt it." "I'll make you take me seriously." "Stay right there." "Don't move." "I'll be back." "Ooh!" "What are you eating?" "Protein paste." "Don't touch that, please." "I developed it specifically for the ulysses project." "One tube contains all the nutrients required for a four-week period." "Oh." "I've been meaning to ask, this science thing that you do-- what exactly are you into?" "Well... ha!" "[Snorts] i'm "into" robotics and space exploration." "Ooh." "I had a dream about space the other day." "I was, uh--hello?" "Hello." "I was traveling far, far out into another galaxy, and i had this strange sensation that space was folding in on itself, like it was curved or something." "What?" "Folding in on itself." "That's amazing." "That's what does happen!" "Space is curved." "Really?" "Yes." "You see... if this is our galaxy and these represent other known galaxies-- is that a pimento?" "Oh, i'm sorry." "Am i destroying distant worlds?" "No." "That's ok." "Now, that is a quasar, ok?" "What's that?" "That... that's a black hole." "Black hole?" "Ha ha ha!" "Ha ha ha!" "Yes, sir?" "Yes." "Straight through to the back." "As... i was saying, you see, a black hole is so dense that its gravity actually sucks in light." "Its gravity actually sucks in light." "Mm-hmm." "I still don't understand." "You're driving me crazy!" "I got to get her back, man." "Donny, you got to make it up with your missus." "We can't schlep down to miami every time you can't fall sleep at night!" "New?" "He's got to get her back." "He's a meshugenuh!" "[Speaking yiddish] oy yi yi yi." "Oh, my god, it's alessandro from new jersey!" "Allesandro!" "Aah!" "Can i just touch your hair?" "Don't touch my hair, all right?" "Just--just-- just don't touch my hair." "It's gorgeous." "Oh!" "Manny, come on, man." "Take care of this." "Ooh!" "Now can you take me seriously?" "Here, take this." "Come on, frankie." "I want you back." "It's not just because of the election." "It's because i love you." "What does albert einstein here want?" "What is it, jeff?" "I came to tell you something." "Well, what is it?" "Frankie, i love you." "Shall we dance?" "Oh!" "I'll be right back." "This is insane." "We've got to get you back to the lab!" "Why?" "I came all this way to be with you." "I love you." "You love me." "How could you love me?" "Ah, excuse me." "Excuse me." "Donald!" "Where the hell is she?" "What are you doing here?" "Where's trish?" "Trish?" "Yeah." "What do you know about trish, tough guy?" "Trish really likes sex." "Aah!" "Donald, don't hit him!" "Hit me." "You're really sick." "No, no!" "Aah!" "Get away!" "Frankie, i'm coming!" "Freeze!" "Oh!" "Aah!" "Oh!" "Come on, buddy." "It's go time." "Oh... donald!" "Aah!" "Donald, stop it!" "You're a dead man!" "I'll kill you!" "Aah!" "I'm gonna kill you!" "Donald, stop it!" "Stop it!" "Ow!" "[Speaking spanish] donald!" "Aah!" "Aah!" "[Feedback] i'll get you!" "Aah!" "Oh!" "Aah!" "What's going on?" "Whoa!" "Aah!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "Ulysses!" "Oh, my god!" "Oh, god!" "Ulysses!" "Is he dead?" "Oh, god!" "Oh, god!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "Move!" "Can you fix him?" "Ooh!" "Ooh!" "[Beep beep beep]" "although some of the stories are slightly exaggerated, there's no doubt that ulysses' popularity is spreading across the country from miami to seattle." "We'll take a closer look at some of the reasons why." "Coming up at 11:00 after new jersey." "Stay tuned." "Trish, what's wrong with me?" "Look, you're having a nervous breakdown." "I have those all the time." "Just because everything of value in your life has been destroyed, so what?" "There's still food." "New jersey continues." "Oh, why are you watching this idiotic show?" "Because don gets punched at least once every episode, and i like watching that." "Admit it, trish." "You still love the jerk." "After what he did at the wedding, you must be joking." "No!" "Please." "I thought he was having an affair with a tall gorgeous blonde." "Oh, he always has time for a little something extra." "Oh!" "No, marissa." "No!" "You see, isn't this fun?" "Yeah, he is kind of cute when he begs." "You know you're the only one i love." "You couldn't live without me." "Kill him." "Why?" "Because you're weak." "[Gunshot] aah!" "Oh, my god!" "She's killing him!" "Don't worry, nobody ever dies on these shows." "[Panting] he's dead!" "Unless they're canceling his contract." "Ohh!" "Deader than a door nail." "Oh, no!" "It's got to be a mistake!" "He's supposed to be a regular!" "10 years as a starving actor." "They can't kill him after 12 episodes!" "It's not fair!" "Trish, it's not your problem anymore." "He must be devastated." "Why didn't he call me?" "Trish, think a minute!" "Think how he treated you." "Listen, donald is not perfect, i'm not perfect, neither is steven neither are you!" "What are you saying?" "Look... i don't know!" "Maybe you should go back with steve." "Look, he's handsome and he's funny... well, maybe he's not all that funny, but he has an interesting job, and he earns his keep." "Look, i don't even like him that much, but it's better than nothing." "I'll just go call from the other room." "Come on, snowball." "[Ruff ruff]" "ulysses, you're not concentrating." "What's wrong?" "I don't know." "I keep thinking about frankie." "I miss her, jeff." "I think i'm in love." "No, you're not." "You were never programmed to be in love, therefore, you can't be in love." "Ulysses, i won't allow you to screw up 10 years of research and hard work because you're mooning over some female." "I'm just not that interested in space anymore, jeff." "Don't say that!" "Please!" "This has been a dream of mine ever since i was a little boy, and you're going to make it come true for me." "Ulysses, you have a great future in space." "You'll go down in the history books." "You're to be envied." "I don't want to be envied." "I want to be loved." "Jeff, i love frankie." "She is a person, and you are an android!" "What happened between you was ridiculous!" "Ridiculous, and she knows it." "She thought it was ridiculous?" "Yes, ulysses." "I promise you once you're up there you'll feel completely different, because what you'll be doing is truly the most exciting thing in the world." "[Click] deejay: 97 gtr." "Good morning, south florida!" "What do you say, guys?" "You're on your way with the bearman this morning." "It is 7:20." "It is going to be sunny and warm again today in south florida." "Great day to go out to the beaches and work on your tan." "Let's talk a little bit about ulysses." "We've heard about him a lot lately." "What do you think of ulysses?" "Why don't you call me now?" "All the lines are open in dade, broward and the palm beaches, but first, coming up, a song ulysses might like, pink floyd's welcome to the machine." "97 gtr." "The best rock 'n' roll variety." "[Honking]" "[whistle] my gosh!" "Snazzy car!" "Sure is a welcome relief from that old wreck of yours." "Hi, steve." "Ow!" "You know, i'm really glad you called." "It was, um... a nice surprise." "You know how much i wanted to go to this press conference and you let me tag along and i really appreciate that." "Well, as a friend of mine said," ""any woman in miami would give up a month of good sex just to see this blastoff."" "But i know one gal who won't have to." "Frankie, how's my-- how's my hair look?" "Um... is it ok?" "It's fine." "Sure?" "Steve." "Oh, alan, good to see you." "I heard about your hand." "The only thing affected is my golf game." "Steve, can you excuse me for a minute?" "All right." "Yeah." "You remember guy, don't you?" "Guy, good to see you." "Jeff." "You don't have any business being here." "Look, jeff, i'm really sorry about what happened." "But i'm glad he's fixed and everything's ok." "Who said he was ok?" "The papers, the television." "Well, he isn't." "He doesn't work the way he was programmed to." "What do you mean?" "You don't even realize the damage you've done, do you?" "I have spent years developing ulysses so he could function in space alone." "And now, in less than one month's time, you have ruined him." "Tell me this-- how's he supposed to survive out there now when all he thinks about is you?" "Ready, hon?" "We are pleased you could all be here today to meet the ulysses android." "The awesome distances involved in the exploration of deep space have always posed a serious dilemma." "How could a man withstand the terrible isolation and confinement?" "How could a machine be our eyes and ears?" "We believe the ulysses android... is the answer." "[Applause] and now, let me introduce ulysses himself." "Hello, i am the ulysses android developed by dr." "Jeff peters at chemtec, and i am here to answer any questions." "[All speaking at once] we're curious to know what your feelings are concerning your imminent departure into space." "I'm an android." "I don't have feelings." "But it looks like your program contains a lot of human tendencies." "These minor technical errors have been corrected." "The question everyone's dying to ask is, are you still lovesick?" "No." "Next question." "Aren't you frightened going up there alone for seven years?" "No." "That's easy." "It's people who are frightening." "They walk around hurt and confused and more alone then i will ever be in space." "People can build an incredibly sophisticated space program, and yet they can't solve their most basic problem-- how to love and care for those who love them." "Someday when people have figured that out, they might be more than just machines." "[Applause]" "jesus christ!" "This guy could run for president." "What are you doing here?" "I just wanted to tell ulysses good-bye." "I don't think that's very appropriate." "Do you?" "No." "Probably not." "Man: minus 10... 9, 8, 7, main engine start," "4, 3, 2, 1, 0..." "liftoff!" "This evening marked the dawn of a new era in space travel." "At 6:42 p.m. eastern daylight time, the ulysses android was successfully launched on its seven-year mission into deep space." "It was a near-perfect liftoff viewed by an enthusiastic crowd of over 10,000, many of whom carried signs and banners with their best wishes for the charismatic ulysses, who so recently has captured the heart and imagination of this nation." "Congressman marcus, who earlier this week made headlines with the android, was among the dignitaries at the press conference yesterday to bid ulysses a farewell and bon voyage." "The launch from pad number 19... [doorbell rings] was broadcast live via satellite to over 60 countries throughout the world." "We take you now for a summary of today's launch to flight director charles kraftman at mission control." "We will be speaking directly with ulysses in the capsule." "Dr. Peters, what are you doing here?" "Oh, god, i miss him so much." "[Sobbing]" "what... jeff, what are you doing?" "I love you." "Ulysses?" "Mmhmm." "I love you, too." "[Bleep bleep bleep] oh, no!" "No!" "I'm sorry, frankie." "I always seem to fall apart at the wrong time." "That's ok, ulysses." "Nobody's perfect." "That's good news, hank." "[Beep] man: ulysses, how is the mission going so far?" "[Beep] it truly is the most exciting thing in the world." "[Beep] is it difficult functioning out there all alone?" "[Beep] [beep] no." "You see, i'm not very good with people." "* Imagine me and you * * i do * * i think about you day and night * * it's only right * * to think about the girl you love * * and hold her tight * * so happy together *" "* if i should call you up * * invest a dime * * and you say you belong to me * * and ease my mind * * imagine how the world could be * * so very fine *" "* so happy together * * i can't see me loving nobody but you * * for all my life * * when you're with me, baby, the skies will be blue * * for all my life *" "* me and you and you and me * * no matter how they toss the dice * * it had to be * * the only one for me is you * * and you for me * * so happy together *" "* i can't see me loving nobody but you * * for all my life * * when you're with me, baby, the skies will be blue * * for all my life * * me and you and you and me *" "* no matter how they toss the dice * * it had to be * * the only one for me is you * * and you for me * * so happy together * * ba ba ba ba *" "* ba ba ba ba ba ba ba * * ba ba ba ba * * ba ba ba ba * * ba ba ba ba ba ba ba * * ba ba ba ba * * me and you and you and me *" "* no matter how they toss the dice * * it had to be * * the only one for me is you * * and you for me * * so happy together * * so happy together * * and how is the weather?" "*" "* So happy together * * we're happy together * * so happy together * * ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba * captioning made possible by mgm home entertainment"