"(Woody) cheers  is filmed before a live studio audience well, i've gotta run home and be a father for about an hour." "Where's lilith?" "Noted research psychologist dr." "Lilith sternin-crane has a singing lesson." "Lilith sings?" "Well, it seems it's always bothered my dear heart that she cannot sing." "As if that were her only character flaw." "And now with the baby, she'd like to be able to sing him a lullaby without frightening 4 years of growth out of him." "Don't put lilith down for wanting to sing." "I think it's cool." "You do?" "Yeah." "I remember when i was 14, i sang the lead in my school choir." "It was one of the happiest times of my life." "Yeah, it made me the most popular girl in school." "Really?" "Of course, i never wore anything under my robe." "¶ Sometimes you want to go" "¶ where everybody knowsyourname¶" "¶ and they're always gladyoucame¶" "¶ you wanna be whereyoucan see ¶" "¶ our troubles areallthe same¶" "¶ you wanna go whereeverybody knowsyourname¶" "[seagulls cawing]" "(sam) yo, woody!" "Hey, rebecca left a message for you about some terry who wants to meet with you about an ad in the paper." "Oh, yeah, i'm advertising for a roommate." "My landlord just raised my rent." "Well, why don't you just move?" "Are you kiddin'?" "I love my neighborhood." "It's so quiet there." "Especially since the gangs started using silencers." "Huh?" "Hey, well, a great neighborhood just got even greater, huh?" "And you be careful when you pick roommates now." "Being an old ballplayer, i'm kind of an expert on this subject." "The guys out there who just wanna stay up all night, play loud music, bring the girls in at all hours... now, these are the fun guys, these are the guys you want." "Hi, is there a woody boyd here?" "Yes, ma'am." "What can i do for you?" "Oh, woody." "I'm terry gardner." "I'm responding to your ad for a roommate." "Oh, w-when i heard the name terry, i automatically assumed it was a guy." "Oh, well, if it bothers you that i'm not a guy, you know-- no, no, no, no, no, don't go having some big expensive operation for me." "No, i meant that i would understand." "Oh, right." "Well, listen, you came all this way, why don't you just sit down?" "I'd better hear you out." "Ok." "All right, well, let me tell you about myself." "Ok." "I'm originally from indiana." "I'm a dental assistant, i love to cook." "What else can i tell you?" "My daddy is a minister." "Will you excuse me for a moment?" "Sure." "Hey, guys." "Yeah, yeah, yeah?" "She seems like the perfect roommate." "But i don't know, i mean, the thought of havin' a girl for a roommate... well, i got a real problem with that." "Girlfriend wouldn't understand, huh?" "Hmm." "Now i got 2 problems." "Oh, i get it, i get it." "Your mom would disapprove." "Make that 3 problems." "What, do you have religious scruples?" "Oh, great. 4 problems." "What was your original problem, woody?" "Well, i like to sit on the couch and leave the top button of my pants undone after a good frozen meal." "(Woody) i mean, i--i don't think kelly would mind." "If i'm not sleeping with her, why would i be sleeping with someone else?" "Whoa, wait a minute." "You've been goin' out with kelly for over a year, and you're not sleeping with her?" "Of course not." "That's the sort of thing you wait to do after you're married." "Right, mr." "Peterson?" "Oh, you keep believing that, woody." "All right, i made up my mind." "Terry, you can move in." "Oh, great." "All right, here's an envelope." "It has my address and 3 keys in it." "All right, one of the keys is for the doorknob, one is for the security bolt, and one is for the deadbolt." "You can never be too careful." "Won't you need a key?" "No, i left the window open." "Oh." "[Gasps] oh." "Oh." "Oh." "What?" "What?" "What are you looking at?" "It's robin colcord and that little tramp he's been seeing." "Oh, there's a picture of you in the paper?" "No." "It's that little charge d'affaires fromthefrenchconsulate." "Rebecca, i must tell you, this is not healthy relationship you're in." "I mean, stuck in a runoff with another woman for robin colcord's affections." "It's demeaning." "Although it's nothing compared to what i'd do to have this exquisite creature grind her heel into my forehead." "My god!" "Wow, look at that." "Boy, i've never seen anything quite like that." "Come on, now." "How hot could she be?" "[Sobbing] oh, give me that." "You guys, she's not that good-lookin'." "Oh, no." "I'll show you how good-lookin' she is." "Barry." "Barry, what do you think of this babe?" "I'd switch." "I hate her." "I wish she was dead." "What is she doing here?" "This is my town." "Jean-marie is here for some franco-american trade celebration." "All of boston's elite is gonna be there." "Plus one frog slut." "Jean-marie." "Oh, the name just glides off the tongue." "Of course, i hope it doesn't do that tonight when i'm in the rack with lilith." "Jean-marie." "I don't think that's such a hot name." "I think it's stupid." "It sounds like it's french for jan murray." "Well, the french, they consider jan murray the greatest comic genius of the 20th century." "No, they say that about jerry lewis." "Well, they're wrong." "It's jan murray." "I wish i could go to that ball tonight and see her in action." "See what robin thinks is so damn special about her." "I'd love to be a fly on the wall." "Love to be a fly on the ceiling." "What's the difference?" "Better view of those cha-chas." "Wait a minute." "Why don't you go to that ball tonight?" "No, i-- yes, yes, yes, yes." "You go to the ball tonight, and then you come back and you report to me." "Here, wait." "Here, wait." "[Cash register rings] you take this money, and you buy yourself a ticket, and then you come back here and you report to me and tell me everything about her." "No, i don't think i should do that." "Look, i am not asking you to sacrifice anything." "You get to go out, dress up, have a great meal, and meet a beautiful french tramp." "All right, all right, i'm gonna do it." "But i'm just doin' this purely out of friendship." "You know somethin'?" "It doesn't feel half bad." "You know, for once, i think i'm doing something that's not just for my own selfish pleasure." "It's kind of like, uh... it's like i'm doin' it for a higher purpose." "Yeah, i'm kind of like that, uh, that old nun." "What's that babe's name?" "Mother teresa?" "Yeah, right." "Hey, guys." "(Man) hey, sammo." "Sam." "Sam, uh, did you see, did you see jean-marie last night?" "What was she like?" "[Chuckles] oh, rebecca, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you." "Quit thanking me and just give me details." "Uh, there are no details." "Well, she did kind of detail me, i guess." "(Rebecca) what?" "[All exclaiming] you slept with her?" "Oh, get real." "Who could sleep with all that sex going on?" "[All cheering]" "(rebecca) you pig!" "How was she?" "Was she good or was she bad?" "Please tell me she was bad." "Well, let me put it to you this way." "Imagine all the nuclear warheads in the world goin' off all at the same time, exactly when the sun explodes." "Yeah?" "Big deal." "Oh, oh." "So what did she do with-- that was so special?" "I mean, i know a lot of things." "Honey, she's a little beyond the ann landers' petting guide." "So what was it that she did?" "Um, i don't-- i don't think i can, you know, tell you exactly what she did or how or when you know, i suppose i could show you." "Oh, god." "What?" "Forget it." "I am sure i'm going to go to bed with you so i can see how some stupid french girl makes love." "Hey, i was just thinking about you, you know." "Or maybe i could pass on a few secrets of what made it the most incredible night of sex i've ever had." "And remember, i was a ball player." "Oh, sammy, come on, now, come on." "Tell us the rest of the stuff, huh?" "Oh, i-- i'm sorry, guys." "Actually i never met jean-marie." "The water main broke in the grand ballroom." "They canceled the whole party." "Wait a second now." "You--you just made up all that sex stuff?" "[Chuckling] yeah." "(Cliff) sam." "Sam, all the other sex stuff that you told us all, you know, through the years, that's all true, right?" "Oh, sure, sure, sure." "Because our--our lives pretty much revolve around those stories." "I--i know that, fellas." "I know." "(Carla) you know, i just wanna know one thing." "If none of this hot sex stuff with jean-marie ever really happened, then why are you torturing rebecca with it?" "Gee, knowing me, there must be some reason." "Oh, he's got a reason." "[Cheering] here it comes, here it comes, here it-- i don't suppose it could be that i know how insecure rebecca feels about her sexuality, or--or how inferior she feels to this jean-marie girl," "or--or to what lengths she might go to acquire, how shall i say this, uh, french lessons from monsieur sammy?" "[Norm and cliff exclaiming] you know, sam, i've seen you try some pretty inane things to seduce rebecca." "But this one doesn't even have a toehold on reality." "I mean, do you really think she's that insecure about robin's affections that she would actually go to bed with you just to learn jean-marie's erotic secrets, hmm?" "Sam." "(Sam) hmm." "Could i see you in my office privately?" "Sure, honey." "[People chattering]" "oh, yeah, oh, yeah, way off base." "Gentlemen, i think sammy company is about to invade france." "¶[All singing la marseillaise]" "hi." "Hi." "Sam, i never thought it would come to this." "Now i see that i'm gonna have to eat crow and ask something that i never thought i'd have to ask." "Especially of you." "Don't say another word, rebecca." "I'll order more vermouth right away." "No, sam, it's not that." "Oh, something else?" "Something of a more personal nature, perhaps?" "Mmm-hmm." "You're gonna make me ask you this, aren't you?" "Yeah." "All right, fine." "I, um... i want to be as good in bed as jean-marie." "Are we out of vermouth?" "No." "All right, class, so you want to learn all about the wonderful art of love, eh?" "[Clears throat] now, you're gonna need lab partners for this." "Hmm?" "There's an odd number of you." "I guess the professor's gonna have to participate." "Sam, be serious." "Come on, this means a lot to me." "All right, all right, all right." "Just tell me." "What was the first thing she did when you got into her bedroom?" "Actually, we never got to the bedroom." "You did it in the hall?" "No." "What kind of woman do you think she is?" "We did it in the elevator." "The elevator?" "Yeah." "I mean, i was afraid at first, myself, being in a public place like that, but she was-- but she was so insistent." "She said the danger would heighten the excitement of it all." "She kept whispering in my ear and saying we could be discovered at any second." "[Sighing] amazing stuff." "I mean, at first, you know, i was against it." ""It" being the rail." "But then, uh, then, before i knew what was happening, she, uh, she took this scarf from around her hair, and she--she, uh, wrapped it around my wrist [chuckling] and tied me to the rail." "Oh." "I said, "hey, what are you doin'?" She just-- she just laughed." "I tell you." "I've never felt so powerless and in control at the same time." "Wow." "Yeah." "Then she leaned in closer and we started to-- miss howe, we're out of vermouth." "No, we're not, woody." "Get out of here, man." "Well, where is it, sam?" "The matinee just let out, and there's a busload of old ladies screaming for martinis." "Wood, there's a-- there's a case of it on the 2nd shelf in the storeroom, all right?" "Ladies, put the mailman down." "Sam, you were right." "This isn't gonna work." "Yes, no-- no, you have to show me." "What?" "I love robin and i need him." "And i'll do anything to keep him." "Oh, yeah." "I need to be as good in bed as that french girl or better." "I need to experience everything just the way you and jean-marie did." "In the hotel, the scarf, the elevator." "The elevator?" "Yes!" "That's the only way i'm gonna learn, i guess." "I am going to get my car." "Now?" "Ok, maybe we should think this over." "No, no, no." "Thinking is bad." "Go, go, go, go." "Thank you, sam." "Thank you." "You're welcome." "You're welcome." "Ooh." "Oh, god-- [exclaims] did she fall for it?" "Hook, line, and [clicking tongue] sammy." "I don't know." "Do you believe this?" "Did you ever think this day would come?" "As a matter of fact, i, uh, never had any doubt here, carla." "Behold this sealed envelope." "Will you please open it and read the contents?" "Mmm-hmm." ""I, sam malone, will sleep with rebecca howe on the night of april 19th, 1990."" "When did you write this?" "This morning." "I write a new one every day." "[People chattering] woody, i'll have a cup of java and an iced tea for-- what did you say your name was again?" "Uh, liza minnelli?" "(Lilith) why all this resentment over my singing lessons?" "Is it jealousy over my desire to strengthen the mother-child bond?" "True." "Reluctance to part with even a few hours of your precious freedom, or is it merely that you're a jerk?" "(Cliff) hey, look at this, normie." "Yes." "It's the, uh, nightingale." "You told them about my singing?" "Well, everyone was asking why my hair was falling out in clumps." "Yes." "So, uh, ahem, how are the, uh, singing lessons coming, huh?" "Just fine, thank you." "Oh, yeah?" "Oh, now, lilith, you're being too modest." "They're going splendidly." "Why just this afternoon lilith received a romantic proposition from a young moose." "Oh." "Yeah." "From, uh, northern quebec, wasn't it, dear?" "I mean, you were pointed in that direction, weren't you?" "[Cliff braying] jest if you will, but it takes a certain amount of courage to expose one's inner soul through vocalization." "Especially with that ahooga horn you call a voice." "[All laughing] oh, now, stop it, all of you!" "I've had enough of this." "You don't know how well i sing." "You've never even heard me." "Well, you should give us a little demonstration there, lilith." "[Laughing] do you think i am ashamed?" "You want this opportunity to make more fun of me?" "We were hoping, yeah." "Well, i rise to your challenge." "What's with the... i'm going to sing frederick's favorite song hmm." "Made famous by al jolson." "We ain't heard nothin' yet." "[All laughing]" "¶ when there are gray skies ¶" "¶ i don't mind the gray skies ¶" "¶ you make them blue, sonny boy ¶" "¶ friends may forsake me" "¶ let them all forsake me ¶" "¶ you'll pull us through, sonny boy ¶" "¶ you're sent from heaven ¶" "¶ and i know your worth i'm gonna go give my ma a call." "¶ You've made a heaven" "¶ for me right here on earth ¶ yeah, i think i... ¶ when i'm old and gray, dear ¶ this is beautiful." "¶ Promise you won't stray, dear ¶ i'm gonna send my ma some flowers." "¶ I love you so" "¶ sonny boy i'm going to go rent the jazz singer." "Lilith, i apologize." "That was just lovely." "I've never heard your voice filled with such tenderness and emotion." "Why-- why have you never sung to me like that?" "Because your breath doesn't smell like cookies." "No, ma, cliff-- cliff clavin." "Hey, woody." "Hey, terry, what are you doin' here?" "I just wanted to give you back your keys." "I'm moving out." "What's the matter?" "What did i do?" "Nothing." "You couldn't have been a better roommate." "You left me alone, which is just what i needed." "I had time to think." "I've decided i am going back to my husband." "Husband?" "Yeah, we had a big fight yesterday." "I needed someplace to stay." "See, we were arguing again over his over his awful temper and his fits of crazy, jealous rage." "But we worked it all out." "By the way, woody, he wants to meet the guy i spent the night with." "Oh, well, god, i'd love to, but i, uh... you know, this is my break, and i usually like to spend this time running as fast as i can." "Woody?" "Woody boyd." "Cutter gardner." "Oh, you know my husband." "I'll go wait in the truck." "Hey, woody, i heard you moved out here and became a bartender." "Is that true?" "Yeah." "[Chuckles] we didn't believe it." "Yeah." "Somebody's daddy owes me $5." "Oh, you're in great shape." "You still workin' out?" "Oh, yeah." "You know, this guy once lifted a tractor off a guy's leg." "Wow." "And put it on his throat." "[Chuckles] well, uh, i'd like to spend all day here chewing the fat with you, but, uh, i gotta find the guy who spent last night with my wife." "Just bash in his brains." "Do you know who it is?" "Mr. Clavin, we're still friends and all but run." "What?" "That's him!" "No!" "No!" "No!" "No!" "No!" "No!" "[Elevator bell dings] [people chattering]" "so this is the elevator?" "Oh, yeah." "Yeah, the ecstasy express." "So, uh, what floor you want to be stranded between here?" "Where were you with jean-marie?" "Who?" "Oh." "Uh... we were, uh, somewhere by the, uh, penthouse area." "And we worked our way down." "Well." "Penthouse." "What'd you do on the way up?" "Oh." "A lot of this." "[Elevator bell dings]" "[elevator bell dings]" "hi." "Hey, kid." "What floor you going to?" "The penthouse." "Oh, yeah?" "[Elevator bell dings] yeah, look, here's $5." "Walk up, will you?" "But it's 40 floors." "Yeah, you're young." "Go on." "[Sighing] so, where were we?" "[Chuckling] boy, you're really are into this, aren't you?" "What do you say i make sure we don't get interrupted again, here?" "Ok." "So, uh, when do you want me to do that thing where i tie your wrists up?" "Oh, we--we don't have to do that scarf thing." "Why don't we just, uh, pretend?" "Well, if you wanna pretend, why don't i just go home?" "No, no." "Here." "Here." "Oh." "All right, i hope i can remember this, ok." "Right, over left, and under and around." "Actually, the under and around part comes later." "Ah." "All right, i put it back here." "I've never done anything like this before." "Uh, a little snug there, eh?" "Oh, i'm sorry." "I'm never going to be as good as jean-marie." "No, no." "Oh, shh, don't--don't say that." "Snug is good." "Ok." "Yeah." "Oh, snug's very good." "Oh, good." "Ok, then what did she do?" "What did she do?" "Loosen up some clothes?" "Yeah, lots of that." "Lots of that." "Ok, then you go first, all right?" "[Muttering] [chuckling] oh!" "Oh." "Oh, i see how this could be exciting." "Oh." "Ok, i've got it." "I've got it." "Wait, the pants." "That's good." "All right." "Oh, yes." "This is good." "Yeah!" "Now, this is just fantastic." "Now, you go, you go." "You want me to go?" "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah." "Ok, bye." "See you tomorrow." "Wait." "What--what do you mean?" "What are you doin'?" "I mean that i know about the water pipe." "And i know about jean-marie." "And i know that the only reason you asked me here was so that you could play elevator." "[Sighing]" "how did you find out about the water pipe?" "It was in the newspaper." "Oh, shoot!" "Just when i thought you were being my friend, you go and do something sleazy like this." "Aren't you ashamed of yourself?" "Oh, yeah, honey." "I'm... oh, i'm so very ashamed." "I... i've learned my lesson." "I really have." "Could you untie me, please?" "Please?" "The knot's too tight." "[Elevator bell dings] maybe there's some sailor in the lobby who can untie it for you." "Reb... hey, hey, hey!" "[Elevator bell dings]" "hey." "That's the man who pushed me." "Give me my $5 back, will you?"