"Nurse Michaela?" "Clear that stuff away from the balcony door." "And afterwards, because today's your last day, go and have my MA thesis bound." "But first that stuff from the balcony door, please." "No, wait." "I have an even better idea." "First you're going to hang this ship up there." "But hurry." "The cello girl is on her way." "Are you performing tonight, too?" "Are you performing tonight, too?" "Sorry?" "Are you performing tonight, too?" "Yes, but I still don't know what." "Have you seen my cell-phone or my purse?" "Your purse right here." "Your phone could be in the bathroom." "How's it going with Teresa?" "Super." "Then why does she write me: "I don't want Christian to look after me anymore because his swiftly changing female acquaintances are getting on my nerves."" "Did you have bubble parties or what?" "No, and..." "Or did Teresa develop a crush on you?" "I didn't do a thing." "I tell her three times a year:" ""Hands off my volunteers," but she never learns and I have to pay the price." "Isn't this a vacancy?" "Benjamin?" "Oh, God!" "A little more to the left." "My left, not your left." "Between the window and the lamp." "Answer the phone." "I suggest you just go there and look what's going on." "Michael?" "Is everything okay with you?" "I think you broke my computer." "Know what?" "Since today is your last day," "I allow you to go early and get an X-ray or something." " What?" " You can leave." "Bye." "Shit!" "RUN, IF YOU CAN" "THE CIRCLE IN YUGOSLAVIAN LITERATURE MA THESIS" "That was close, huh?" "Do you know what time it is?" " A little after 10." " Shit." "Thanks." "Oh, no." "I can unbend the wheel in a moment." "I have to go, my professor will kill me." "Sorry for the crash." "Thanks for helping." "Bye." "Hello?" "Shit." "I'm your new civil service assistant." "Here, it was in the hall on the floor." "Should I put it back?" "Throw it down." "But try to hit the mark." "Here!" "But before that, I want a smoke." "They're on the desk." "Wet." "Wet." "Wet..." "It's wet, too." "If it's not good now, I can come back another time." "You have dirt on your cheek." "Oh, yes." "A girl just ran me over with her bike." "Oh!" " Was she pretty?" " Yes." "But she ran the red light." "Not pretty." "Come on, let's have our get-acquainted talk." " Shit." " Oh, wait." "Hey, what are you doing?" "I was just about to reverse time and make everything fly back into place." "You've ruined it." "Why didn't you tell me before?" "Because before would've been after." "Then, you should've said it after." "You know what?" "You're going to fix my wheel while we have our talk." "The tools are in one of the boxes..." "somewhere in the hall." "There are lots of boxes." "I think it's burgundy red." "Are you color blind?" "Go and retake your army physical." "You might be unfit." "I don't have to take this crap from you." "I can go if you'd prefer." " Need any help?" " No, I'm fine." "Well?" "Bored yet?" "You can put the wheelchair in the trunk." "Oh shit." "Yeah, great." "I can't reach." "By the way, this is the only Bonneville in Europe with hand controls." "I got it from a guy in Essen... who hit a tree on his 18th birthday and landed in a wheelchair." "But... he flipped fate the bird and realized his dream of modifying this car." "And then he sold it to you?" "No." "He slit his wrists in the bath, his mom put the car on eBay and I jumped at the chance." "Who threw you out again?" "Therese." "Green eyes, red hair, muscular atrophy?" "You know her?" "I know them all!" "Atrophics are no joke." "But MS guys are much worse." "They make Quadriplegics look lame." "Yet the most evil bunch are stroke victims, so-called hemiplegics." "They are vicious, most of them." "I knew this paraplegic who also had paresis." "So his left brain was also half gone." "He could drive his chair in circles for hours without even noticing..." "until the battery died." "Ant then, I knew this other..." "So, tell me, what am I to expect?" "Sorry." "Would you let us by?" "Thanks." "That lady had a first-class backside." "Why did you interfere?" " Well?" " I thought..." "Leave the thinking to me." "Shit." "Professor Seidel?" "Professor Seidel?" "Got a moment?" "Do I know you?" "You supervise my thesis." "Yes!" "I... don't remember." " I need an extension." " Oh, you." " You've had two already." " Three!" "And I had to deal with the disabled-rep." "Don't send me that guy again." "Stop him." "You act when you shouldn't, and don't when you should!" "Stop him!" "Professor Seidel!" "That's more like it." "Will he sign it himself?" "Yes, he'll sign it himself." "Did you see that?" "That's how women are with me." "First I'm interesting, then they cry and in the end even their moms hate me." "She was only three." "It's the principle that counts." "Sit down with me and take your pants off." "It's ridiculously comfortable down here." "Big hug?" "One, two..." "Oops." "Put me on the chair and then..." "Yeah, okay." "You got it?" " A little..." " Oh shit!" "...further back." "That scar." "Tracheotomy?" "They took the bone fragments out." "They go in from the front, nowadays." "Never dive in before checking for rocks." "I don't do it anymore, either." "I only do cannonballs now." "Next to the toilet is a brilliant spot." "After-work cigarette?" "Wicked!" "What?" "Fourth from the top." "Wicked." "Nobody says "wicked" anymore, it's "porno."" " Porno's the new wicked?" " Yup." "Assuming I would want to express... that a person had an appealing backside then I would say, for instance:" ""That lady there is in possession of a porno bottom."" "That's correct in principle, but you have to get the grammar right." ""That chick..." "Has she got an ass!" "Porno!"" "Porno?" "Should I come back tomorrow?" "Do you want to come back tomorrow?" "Why not?" "Then I'll tell Mr. Wiener we're a couple." " Do that." " I hereby dub you..." "Nurse Christiane." "Dap me on it." "Nope." "It's an honor, Nurse Christiane." "Dap!" "But my name's not Christiane." "Are you misogynistic or something?" "Christiane is a perfectly good name." "Why don't you like it?" "Well, I'm doing my service here, and you can call me by my real name." "Okay, Nurse Christian." "No nurse, please." "My school will make a man out of you." "It'll be porno." "You're done for the day." "Got any plans?" "Nothing special." "Dear guests, now that the stragglers are here and Mareike Diemansberger has played a wonderful." "Shostakovich arabesque, I'll take this opportunity to say a few introductory words." "I'm not a friend of big speeches, but today's exchange of musical ideas, and we can call it that, comes at a special moment." "Today we celebrate our anniversary." "Exactly one year ago." "Professor Schickedanz and I gave birth to the idea of looking beyond our own musical noses rather than stewing in our own juices." "No one imagined that this idea would give rise to a concert series that would become an integral part of campus life, precisely because it blows a breath of fresh air into these time-honored walls." "The exchange of musical ideas is not another stiff recital, but rather a bunch of relaxed, friendly musical folks having a good time." "But I really don't want to deliver any big speech, so let's just continue." "Annika Hülshoff will now play a Debussy chaconne accompanied on the piano by Detlev Hagemann." "Annika, if you run away you reinforce your failure." "You have to face your fear of performing." "You have energy, but you use it for the wrong thing!" "You have to turn around and face the danger!" "Always play your song to the end!" "Regardless if your grandmother's dying or a meteor crashes next to you, you must play to the end!" "Is she gone?" "I knew you'd fail so I followed you." "Put the bike in." "Didrt you hear him?" "Finish your song." "That goes for you too, greenorn." "So put the bike in the back." "What now?" "Now we follow the subway train." "How do you follow a subway train?" "Simple." "Down the stairs and along the tracks." "Is she in there?" "I can't see anything." "I can't see!" "Look harder!" "She's easy to spot, she's got a cello on her back!" "It's not a good moment." "Go in and give her the bike." "You've reached Annika and Mareike." "Please leave a message." "Mareike, your performance tonight was just amazing!" "Tell Annika not to worry about it." "These things happen." "Oh, this is Julia..." "It's not the right moment..." "Bullshit!" "Ther's only one moment." "Now." "You see?" "Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart!" "Beethoven." "Is it Beethoven or Mozart?" "Oh, God!" "Oh, God!" "Oh, God, I'm sorry!" "I'll pay damages." "My flatmate has insurance..." " Are you okay?" " I think so." "We just wanted to give you your bike." "I'm Christian, Benjamirs assistant." "Hello." "Oops, there a glass shard in my leg." "Interesting." "That's a deep cut." "Let's go to the hospital." "No way." "You can help me sew it up." "Are you nuts?" "If I see another doctor, I'll puke!" "If you get sepsis, you'll puke too." "What?" "Sepsis!" "Are you some sort of quack doctor?" "Yes, I do plan to study medicine." "Fine, then you can practice on me tonight!" "Okay, before we take it out we have to make sure that the arteries are intact." "Stop it!" "You're nuts!" "Can you leave us alone, dear?" "That's a good idea." "Right, now let's take a look." "Do what you think is best." "Oh, it's almost down to the bone..." "Uhm, Ms. Cello?" "What's her name?" "Annika." "My assistant needs an assistant." "He acts when he shouldn't, and doesn't when he should, or does something completely different." "I'll call a doctor." "No." " Yes!" " No means no!" "I won't watch you kill yourself!" "Then don't watch." "Okay, let's do this." "Second-try execution, this time for real." "And?" "I think the stitches will hold." "Excuse me." "Do you guys do this all the time?" "It's my first day." "And you plan to study medicine?" "Absolutely." "And you plan to study cello." "I do study cello already." "Just don't study something you'll regret later." "Why, is that the way you feel?" "How can you want to study medicine if you can't stand the sight of blood?" "That came as a surprise for me, too." "Buy an axe, sack a carpenter!" "Give me five, Dr. Frankenstein." "That was quite a show." "Porno." "You guys in a bad mood or what?" "We just stitched my leg up, I request some general happiness." "Can you get my cigarettes?" "They're inside." "Somewhere." "So, is this Beethoven or Mozart?" "My Grandma gave it to me." "She said it's Bach." "I think it's Goethe." "I think he looks like Schopenauer." "We didn't shake hands, did we?" "Shake, if you want." "Shame." "No shooting stars." "Now we can't make a wish." "But it only comes true if you tell everyone." "What comes true?" "What you don't wish for." "There!" "No shooting star." "Now I can't make a wish." "And what don't you wish for?" "Everything." "Good wish." "Oh!" "It's going to break." "No, it can hold at least three people." "Did you ever have three people seated on here?" "Not quite." "But let's try it." "Captain Chris?" "Do you mind if I ask why you're in a wheelchair?" "No!" "It's a short story." "When I was twelve," "I was in a pasture and a cow ran me over." "Stupid cow." "Hey!" "Yeah, it fell out of your bag." "Well?" "Is that Beethoven or Goethe?" "It's Brahms." "Piano Concerto No. 2." "We're playing it in the orchestra." "My favorite cello solo is in there." "In the cigarette?" "In the third movement." "Do you play that solo?" "I'd like to." "But?" "My flatmate plays it." "Why does she play it and not you?" "Only one person can play the solo, the rest are just "Tutti."" " What?" " Tutti." "It means "all," the opposite of solo." "You have remarkable knowledge." "I had Latin." "And now, some untranslatable wordplay." "We have a concert this Friday." "I've got some flyers." " Oh, I'm going to come." " Me too." "We'll cheer for you." "You can't cheer for me, I'm Tutti." "Why don't you just play the solo." "You just don't do that," "You do if you have the courage." "That's the problem." "Every time I have to perform I forget everything." "I sit there like a log, with a log in my hands." "I can dream of Brahms forever." "Do you want to hear about my big unrealizable dream?" "I dream of the Tetraeder in Bottrop." " What?" " You don't know it?" "It's this gigantic, totally absurd steel thing they built on a slag heap." "It's 70 meters high, and I'd love to sit on it someday and direct the rush hour traffic lights." "You know what were going to do with this?" "We're going to make it into a shooting star, and then everybody can't wish an anti-wish." "Hey, that was outrageously poetic." "I have to go to bed." "Can I hug you?" " Bye." " Bye." "My assistant will bring you to the door." "What are you doing tomorrow?" "Practicing." "Care for a coffee break?" "Hello?" "What are you doing out in the cold?" "Reading the paper." "Hello." "Are you watching the girl on the bike again?" "Nope." "Be careful or you'll catch a cold." "I won't catch a cold, Mom." "Hello." "Hello." "Hello!" " Hey." " Hello." "I was in the neighborhood so I thought I'd stop by." "There was a list downstairs with your name on it, and your room number." "But I can go if I'm disturbing you." "Actually I just wanted..." "Here." "It was in Bers CD player." "Thanks." "We could go get a coffee but... you probably don't have time." "I thought so, so I brought coffee along." "Two with milk, one with sugar." "Let me guess, you take it with sugar?" "It's unstirred, unfortunately." "And I have something else for you." "This is a Tutti." "Look what I brought for you." "To give Flup a companion." "Where is he gone?" "He moved house." "What?" "My God!" "Yeah, the times they are achangir." "I guess I'll get a new aquarium." "No you won't." "But you can't keep two fish in a juice box!" "That's cruel!" "You wouldn't believe how many fish I can keep in a juice box." " Hi." " Where are you?" "On the way to the market." "And the rest?" "Medical supply store, yes." "Library, no." "It was closed." "I'll do it tomorrow." "Theycloseat four and you couldn't make it on time?" "Where are you?" "I'm leaving the university." "Since when do they play trumpet there?" "They're street musicians." "And I'm the Emperor of China." "You work for me and you have tasks you need to carry out..." " Just a second." " Get it?" "Let's just calm down." "I work for you, that's right, but I don't have to take your crap." "Okay, then it's closing time!" "Now I can give you as much crap as I want!" "Bye." "Don't you say a word." "Here." "I found this for you on the internet." "What is it?" "It's a dating site." "Women in wheelchairs WLTM men in wheelchairs." "I know it embarrasses you, but..." "Mom, you can send links by email, you don't have to write them down." "I worry about you." "The only people you see are your assistants." "That's dreadful." "Only that it's dreadful doesn't mean I have to change it." "But you can't live your whole life in the past." " Yes, I can." "I'm going to find you a dating site for single women over 50, Mom." "Benjamin, why do you torture yourself like this?" "I'll throw this away." "No, you won't!" "And... don't snoop around in my stuff!" "Why are you yelling at me?" "Out." "You can'tjust throw me out." "Yes I can." "No." " Yes." " No." " Fine, then I'll go." " Where?" "If I can't live in the past, then I'll go get myself a future." "Please give me your key to the flat." "Why?" "My new assistant needs it." "Give it here." "Just close the door behind you." " Annika!" " Ben!" "What a coincidence!" "Let me drive you and your cello home so you get there in one piece." "How did you get a car like this?" "It's used." "I bought it from a guy I know." "I met him in rehab." "Then he went into politics." "Now he's Minister of the Interior." "Okay, it wasrt all that funny." "How are you doing?" "Me?" "Excellent, my Mom is visiting..." "She's dismantling the kitchen floor, papering the walls, maybe the windows, then off she goes." "Do you think she could replace my window?" "Don't you have a Mom of your own?" "Nope." "Really?" "I'm a child of separated parents." "Oh God!" "Not even a child of divorced parents?" "My parents disapproved of civil marriage." "When I was twelve my mother felt a change in her life-energy and moved to Düsseldorf." "And then?" "Nothing." "She was gone." "What do you mean?" "Tell me more." "There's nothing to tell." "You do the telling." "I told you how I got my car." "Tell me a proper story." "My life isn't proper." "How about a story about your Mom?" "My Mother..." "My Mother was the courtesan of a sheik..." "No she wasrt." " You're strict." " Yes, I am." "Okay, my Mother was the lover of an executive chairman." "No!" "She was!" "My father was chairman of Ostermann and Schönbaum." "They produce high-pressure precision gauges for the chemical industry." "They were bought out." "Now he does the same thing with an English firm." "That sounds boring." "I believe you." "Yeah, my father is a so-called alpha male." "He had a wife and two kids and he had my mother on the side." "She always hoped he'd leave his family for her." "Of course he didn't." "So she blackmailed him with a child." "And that's why I was born, as a high-pressure precision leverage on the chemical industry, so to speak." "Anyway, it didn't work." "My father set up a flat for my mother, but he stayed with his family." "So, one fine day my mother drove over to the villa where he lived with his family." "She climbed over the gate, whacked the dog over the head, and walked over to the terrace where my father was eating with his family." "She sat down with them and said:" ""Walter, it's about time you saw all your children sitting at the same table, don't you think?"" " No way!" " Yup." "My father's son even caught it on Super-8." "Wicked." ""Wicked" is out, they say "porno" now." "Really?" " Porno?" " Youth slang." "In any case, a legendary pie fight ensued." "My mother refused to get up from the table." "My father's wife had a fit of hysteria." "Finally the police dragged my Mom from the property." "She was handcuffed, I was in her arms." "That's really porno." "Yes, that's really porno." "My mother has been a bit basically angry at the universe ever since." "That's my mother's tragic story." "Now it's your turn." "There aren't any tragic porno stories in my family." "My mom worked in a shipping company and moved to Reutlingen with her boyfriend." "You see?" "That's tragic." "My father is a member of the scientific staff at FH Hanover." "Porno!" "And?" "What else?" " That's it." " That's it?" "I just chewed your ear off, you can share something with me too." "Why do you play cello?" "How long have you played?" "I started when I was seven." "And why?" "Because I adored this boy in the orchestra:" "Stephan, with a "ph," was five years older," "I thought if I practiced hard" "I could get in the orchestra and adore him from close up." "We'd end up kissing secretly back stage, and then playing really well together." "Porno." " And did you do it?" " Nope." "By then he'd given up cello and become a punk." "What?" "What a loser!" "Using art as a cheap excuse to make out with little girls." "Disgusting!" "I was the one who wanted to kiss him." "Bullshit!" ""Stephan with ph" let you down, "Stephan with ph" is no friend of mine." "Then, at 15, won the local Young Musicians competition." "My dad was so proud he drank two bottles of wine." "Alone?" "Didrt he give your mother any?" "No, she was already gone." "She still doesn't know about it." "She still doesn't know?" "Should we drive there and have a drink with her?" "Can you imagine?" ""Mom it's me, your lost daughter." "I won the Young Musicians competition and we never celebrated!" "Cheers, Mom!"" "Just imagine how emotionally involving that would be." "If we go now, we'll be there tonight." "What about it?" "Should I leave you two alone?" "Wiggle the wire and push the red button." "It's not working." "What are we going to do now?" "We could go to the movies." "Come on guys, pull yourselves together." "We could go... to the Tetraeder." "No way!" " Oh, yes!" " No way!" "Great idea!" "It was only a joke..." "Here's a compromise so we can all have fun." "I'll put you on my back and carry you to the top." "And I'll take the chair." "I refuse to be carried." " It'd be much..." " I refuse." "Okay, let's do this." "But you'd better not complain." "What was that?" "That's a power outage." "What do we do now?" "Now we go back down again." "Okay, I'll go on ahead." "Okay." "Wait, I don't have him." "Okay..." "Where's your damn lighter?" "I can't see a thing!" "I don't even know if I've got him!" "Only 14 floors to go." "It's easy." " Are you hurt?" " It's nothing." "Show me." "You want a beer?" "Or chocolate?" "I've got potato chips, too." "They're cheap, but they're not bad..." "Can we please just sit here forever?" "No." "Why not?" "Because fate will scatter us to the four winds." "But not if we sit here forever." "Spring will come and we'll put the blanket away, and then summer will come, and then fall..." "Then global warming, and you won't need blankets." "We, not you." "Excuse me." "No, the sea level will rise, everything will flood so we'll have to stay here anyway." "And one morning we'll wake up and the water will be up to here, and then we won't have to get up, we can just swim away." "Studies show that the water will only rise a few meters." "Down there waves will crash against the house." "There will be dolphins jumping, and whale spouting on the horizon." "And the sun will paint a street of light on the water, leading from my balcony to far-away lands?" "People will sail boats through the streets like in Venice, and catch fish." "They don't fish in Venice." "They do." " No they don't." " They do." "Fine, the wiser man gives in." "You know what the best part is?" "This is the best part:" "One day while we're still sitting here watching the dolphins, ships will start going by." "And then we'll just thumb a lift and they'll pull up." "We'll get in and sail away and never come back." "There." "The key to my flat." "I got it off my mother." "You are now officially my mother." "So I can pay you surprise visits now?" "And catch me having" "Max-Mosley-style orgies." "Which reminds me, why do women always take so long in the bathroom?" "No idea." "What do you think of her backside?" "You're the backside expert." "True." "I wouldn't say it's porno, but it's upper mid-range." "Do you like her?" "Do you like her?" "I wasrt put here to like women," "I was put here to look at their backsides." "Have you ever done it?" "Have you ever done it?" "You want to know if I've slept with a woman?" "In the past," "I used to lay them one right after the other, but now I don't feel like it anymore." "No, that's bullshit." "Okay, it's like this." "I can do it theoretically, but I don't notice anything." "It's more like she uses you as an object for having a good time." "And sometimes you think:" ""What's she doing?" "She could just replace me by a banana or something." "Then at least I could read a book."" "But the real problem is that it never gets that far." "I mean, who's into guys in wheelchairs?" "The women who are into guys in wheelchairs are really, really, really strange women." "So, when I fall in love it's usually a huge disaster." "That's why I've detached myself from those ambitions." "So, because you're in a wheelchair you don't want to fall in love." "Almost." "It's like when you go to a museum:" "You can't take every nice painting home with you either." "Like Annika." "I've watched her run that red light every day for two years, and imagined us getting married." "And now she's in my bathroom, and she's about to get into bed with us." "And that's crazy, to put it mildly." "It's good I'm cut off from down there or else probably I'd have a huge..." "I'm exhausted." "Can I play you my favorite movie?" "It's short." " I'm too tired." " Me too." "Too bad." "Good night." "What's wrong?" "It hurts." "Let me see." "Careful." "Just relax it." "Relax it." " Does that hurt?" " Yes." "It could be tendinitis." "Does it always hurt orjust when I squeeze it?" "It always hurts." "That's a bad sign." "Let's go in the other room." "Why?" "I just want to get a better look at it." "How do you know so much about this?" "Both my parents are orthopedists." "They work together." "Marry a colleague and you never run out of things to talk about." "Then I'd have to marry a musician." "First make sure this doesn't become chronic." "You should definitely see a doctor." "He'll prescribe you Phlogidermil." "And take a break with your cello playing." "Good morning." "Good morning, Annika." "Since I provided you shelter," "I'm allowed to make a request." "What is it?" "A kiss." "It was a joke." "I'd like you to give us a concert." " Now?" " Yes." "Please." "Just for me." "I can't do this right now." "Don't run away." "Hey, her hands..." "Yes, I realized that." " Do your hands hurt?" " Yes." " Tendinitis?" " No." "Yes." "That's serious." "You could even lose your hands." "Then I'll learn to sing instead." "Can't you just relax?" "Being uptight makes you afraid, and vice versa." "My technique needs work, but you don't have to call me uptight!" "Anyway, you're only Tutti." " Stop." " It's true." "So you'll practice all day and then someone else plays your solo tonight?" "It means a lot to me!" "It's my business if I want to practice!" "What's your professor's name again?" "Krämer." "This is Dr. Brückner from the Bochum University Hospital." "I'm calling about Annika Hülshoff." "Annika was admitted today with acute sepsis which probably resulted from tendinitis, which came from playing cello." "Yes." "No, she's not coming." "She is now in an artificial coma which will last at least four days." "She'll have to drastically reduce her practice time, and only do fun things from now on." "Bye." "What did you do?" "Give me that." "No need to thank me, I only saved your hands." "Anyway, you're only Tutti." "Yes?" "No, Benjamin isn't here." "I'm his caregiver, you can tell me anything." "I'll tell him." "Bye." "Who was it?" "You could've extended your MA thesis deadline, but now it's too late, so it's all over." "Now's a good time to jump off the balcony." "No, it's not!" "You're going to talk to your professor!" "If I'd given up that easy, I'd still be playing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star!" "WALTER SEIDEL AND FAMILY LIVE, LOVE AND LAUGH HERE." "Crazy." "He lives right on a lake." "Should I ring the doorbell?" " I'd rather you didn't." " Okay." "Maybe he didn't hear the doorbell." "He probably saw me and decided not to hear it." "You know what?" "I don't give a crap about my thesis." "The topic's a joke, it's badly written." "I don't want it." "I'll write another one." "I've got time." "I have an idea." "You could..." "Hey, didn't you hear what I just said?" "Yes, but you can get to the house by crossing the lake." "But I just cancelled the whole mission, airhead!" "You're not walking on that lake unless you're Jesus." "The lake is frozen solid." "He doesn't want to." "We have to respect that." "Would you please stop speaking for me?" "What?" "I'm not your pet." "Don't protect me." "I'm... gonna give it a try." "Somebody's there." "I'll knock." "But there's a dog." "It's just tiny." "But there's another one!" "What's wrong?" "Oh, maybe we should just tell Ben." "I'd want to know who was kissing who in my flat." "What's this?" "Why did he take off?" "Christian." "How convenient." "You can give me my house key back." " Why?" " You're fired." " For any particular reason?" " No." "Look at that." "Mayerhof said you were in a coma." "Someone should really fix that stupid window." "This is no good." "Careful!" "Relax, I know what I'm doing." "Oh, fucking shit!" "Why did I have to stick my hand in this bloody window?" "It's deep, I'll need stitches!" "Should I do that for you?" "Get lost!" "Please." "Why?" "I thought you were Christian." "So, what do you want?" "To pick up my cello." "Help yourself, it's in the living room." "Can I offer you something?" "A coffee or a cookie?" "You can tell me why you just took off." "I forgot that I wasrt alone out there." "I only remembered later." "Is that the movie you wanted to show us?" "Maybe." "Show me." "Tesalina and Tesalino in the Underwater World." "That's them." "They're in love." "They're taking a trip under water." " Help!" "A crocodile!" " Swim away!" "Swim!" "Help!" "It's going to get us!" "Faster, faster, faster!" "They are both in great danger." "Will they be saved?" "Quick, to our submarine!" "Yay!" "We made it!" "Tesalina and Tesalino are safe." "The End." "I had an assistant once who then studied special needs education." "He made that with his kids." "I had a dream like that where I was swimming under water." "I wanted to go to the surface, but I couldn't find it." "Suddenly, every direction was down." "Nice dream." "I don't dream at all." "When I sleep" "I fall into a black hole." "Every direction is down there, too." "Everyone dreams." "Yup, except me." "If I do dream, I probably dream about doormen dressed in white who don't let me in." "Then I'll realize it's not a dream." "I'm actually dead and I want to get into heaven, but I'm not going to get in." "Or something." "Tesalina and Tesalino in the Underwater World." "That's them." "Two paper people who love each other." "That's high-brow bullshit." "I thought it was your favorite movie." "Have you never been in love?" "Of course I've been in love, several times." "Probably about 200 times." "Christian said you're interested in me." "What did he say?" "That you've been watching me for years." "What?" "Oh my God!" "I'm sorry, but..." "Well..." "Look in the mirror." "What man wouldn't like what he sees?" "But that's normal." "I mean, you have to... take that with..." "You're in love with my assistant, so I threw him out." "It doesn't make much sense, but at least it gives me some kind of satisfaction." "I'm going to throw you out too." "Please leave my bed." "Go see him, fly a kite together..." "It's all fine, butjust go." "Maybe I don't want to be with Christian." " And that's why you came?" " No." "I'm here because because I want you to know that Christian told me that, and because I want us both to forget it right away," "because for now, I want to be friends with you." "You okay?" "I think I need an aspirin." " I'll get you one." " That's okay." "Everything's fine, I'll get it myself." "What's wrong?" "Nothing." "I feel terrific." "Every cell in my body is happy." "Get that guitar out of the way." "It could be blood poisoning." "It is blood poisoning." "But where did it come from?" "Who's responsible for this?" "I did it myself." " Do you work in the field?" " No." "Ben?" "Ben!" "Hey, are you okay?" "Can he hear me?" "How should I know?" "It was wrong not to go the hospital." "Get rid of this woman." "I'm just doing civil service." "Why are you here?" "We don't even know each other." "Let fate scatter you to the four winds." "Play your own song to the end, please." "Not mine." "Is it true you told Annika I've been watching her?" "No." "It is." "Come on, you said yourself, you'd leave love to others:" "For you, it's a disaster." "But that doesn't mean you should run around talking shit about me." "What about you?" "You were watching her." "She was really mad." "Because you had to turn around and tell her about it!" "She would've found out anyway." "No, she wouldn't." "Anyway, I can watch anyone I want." "I don't need your permission." "Now let me through." "Where are you going?" "You want to go to a concert like that?" "She'll think you're mentally disabled!" "I am mentally disabled!" " Now let me through!" " No." "You know what?" "I fell in love with Annika," "but not from the balcony." "I only watched her riding her bike from the balcony." "I only fell in love with her when she threw Beethoven on the car." "When I saw her up close for the first time" "I immediately fell hopelessly in love with her." "And then when we all sat on the balcony," "I fell in love with her one more time." "Then when I picked her up in the car I fell in love with her all over again." "I'm a living joke." "I think I'll just stay here on the floor." "Then at least I'll be an example of how not to do things." "I want to stay on the floor." "What's on the ground can't fall." "Come on, big hug." "You know the drill." "Shit." "What?" "You don't act when you should, and you do when you shouldn't." "Congratulations." "Your playing touched my heart." "If my style of dress doesn't bother you, I'd like to invite you for a drink." "But lift with your knees." "There." "Um, Annika?" "Sorry." "That's okay." "Sorry for being so heavy." "Actually you're pretty light." "I weigh 67 kilos." "I'm about 4 feet tall, so my body-mass index is 46.5." "That means I'm very short, and extremely fat." "I like you anyway." "Thank you." "You're welcome." "Can I maybe kiss you?" "Maybe." "You can see how normal I am." "Two thirds of men can't take off a bra." "Do you feel anything?" "What should I feel?" "Do you notice anything noticeable in my pants?" "Not that thin plastic thing, that's a urinal pipe." "We'll take that out, too." "Sorry, I'll check myself." "Can you..." "Thanks." "Okay, then now would be the time..." "Can you get me the blue pills in the bathroom cabinet?" "That's Viagra." "I have a penis pump just in case, but..." "I've had bad experiences with it." "I'd rather we didn't talk about it so much." "We have to talk about it." "We can'tjust do it." "Of course." "I'm sorry, here." "No problem." "Can you?" "I can't do this." "I'm sorry." "It's okay." "We can do a lot more tomorrow." "Yeah." "I'm sure everything will be much better for me tomorrow." "What?" "What is it?" "Bad dream?" "Yes." "I was under water and then an octopus tentacle grabbed me and pulled me under." "Thank goodness I'm awake now." "Did you want someone to save you?" "Yes." "It wouldn't have been me." "Why not?" "I can't save you from an octopus tentacle." "I can't even catch you if you fall off the bed." "And if someone else saves you, I can't even embrace you." "Yes you can." "No," "I can't." "You're deceiving yourself." "So what?" "It's beautiful." "Maybe right now, but you'd rather I could walk and protect your kids from dinosaurs." "It's your nature." "You can't change it." "I don't care about my nature." "Are you so sure?" "Why are you really in a wheelchair?" "Why does everyone ask me that?" "Do I ask you what you did seven years ago?" "Seven years ago?" "Yes." "What happened?" "An accident." "What kind of accident?" "An accident." "Have you had a girlfriend since then?" "You could say that, yes." "Why aren't you together anymore?" "Because I broke up with her." "Why?" "She was disabled from birth." "And I just can't deal with people with disabilities." "I wish it wasrt the case, but it is." "So, if I landed in a wheelchair, you wouldn't want me anymore?" "Yes." "Do you know what you're saying?" "It's about market value." "Pretty people choose, average people make compromises, and disabled people hold hands with each other." "That's nonsense." "It's not nonsense." "Yes it is!" "When..." "It's not the first thing you think when you meet a guy in a wheelchair, but if he's interesting, then..." "You do find relationships between disabled and nondisabled people." "I don't want a relationship." "Then what do you want?" "Love." "There can be love, too." "No, there are only two models:" "Resolute, care-giver woman mothers an invalid, or two disabled people make their lot more pleasant." "And both models make me sick." "Do you know what makes me sick?" "Lord knows, there are tons of compromise relationships in the world." "Your concept of love makes me sick." "Before you go can you please get rid of that monster, and bring me my real wheelchair?" "What are you going to do?" "Kill myself." "Bring my wheelchair back right now!" "I'm sorry if I scared you." "I have to go the bathroom." "Can you help me into my chair?" "Ben, is everything okay?" "Damn it, Ben!" "Yes." "What?" "What happened?" "We had a little fight." "What's going on here?" "He's gone." " So?" " I'm afraid." "Of what?" "That he'll kill himself." "He says that all the time." "I'm sorry, but I can't take it seriously anymore." "And besides, my knee hurts like hell." "What do you want to do?" "There's a laundry basket in the hall and there should be a red box in it." "Can you get it for me?" ""Chicken farmers fear a price decline..."" ""In the early hours of November the second a driver lost control the driver was not wearing a seatbelt..." "The female passenger sank with the car in the lake and drowned."" "DRIVER SERIOUSLYINJURED, PASSENGER DEAD." "Wait a second." "How nice, you can help me break through the ice." "Someone is waiting for me on the bottom of this lake." "Come on." "Oh shit!" "Stop it!" "Back, back!" "Charge." "Away from the patient." "Shock." "Shit." " Just a minute." " What is it?" "I think he's dreaming!" "What do you want?" "I want to go to heaven." "I'll have to ask." "Boss, can he come in?" "Nope." "I'm sorry." "You'll have to live a bit longer." "Make something out of it." "Life can be wonderful." " But..." " Bye." "Let me get this straight." "I should go to the hospital, give them this thing, tell them you say hello, but you think you shouldn't see them for a while." "And that's also why you didn't visit or call them." "You want to stay friends with them and hope they contact you, just not right away." "So why don't you do that yourself?" "Because I don't want to impose." "Sweetie, sometimes you're so incredibly complicated." "If I were a man, I think I'd want to hop off some high place, too." "That's why it's better if I don't go." "Who knows what would happen if I did." "You're right." "Give it to me." "Yeah, sorry!" "Come here." "It's not that bad." "SIX MONTHS LATER." "Nurse Christiane?" "Aunt Benjamina." "I have a parting gift for you on your last day." "That'll be your successor." "Yup." " Is something wrong?" " Yeah." "Oh crap, I totally forgot about them." " Go get a bowl." " Okay." "I've got it." " Hello?" " Hello." " Hello." " Hey." "Welcome." "Let me introduce you." "Christian, your predecessor and Lisa, your successor." "Let's get down to business." "My goodness." "I'll have to tell my Mom." "That you moved five fish from a drink box to a bowl?" "Exactly." "Lisa, do you want to go down to the pet store and buy me a small aquarium?" "If you want, buy yourself a budgie with the spare change." "Okay." "Bye." " Bye." " Bye." "Upper mid-range." "Middle upperrange." "So, back to your parting gift." "Except the site always crashes." "I ordered you a rubber doll of myself." "I had a copy of myself built." "Just kidding." "Actually..." "Can't I get some peace and quiet?" "I'll do it." "Hello." "He did it." "I thought it'd be a shame if we didn't all together..." "I thought so too." "And what happens now?" "I'm going to Moscow to Masha Nikitinova, an anti-authoritarian cello professor." "She accepted me." "And I'm going to study medicine in Hannover." "He watches horror movies every day to get used to seeing blood." "And sometimes war movies." "And you?" "What are you going to do?" " Me?" " You." "Secret plans and clever tricks." "Out with it." "I realized that I used my MA thesis as an excuse so as not to face the real problems in my life." "So you threw it out the window again?" "False." "I found one on the internet and graduated with honors." "And now I'm enjoying my life." "For example, I'm going to ride across America on a motorcycle." "In Lisa's sidecar." "And I'm going to finance it all by getting rich on America's obscene compensation laws." "When I see a company without wheelchair access..." "I'll sue them for millions." "That's funny, but what are you really doing?" "He's really going to do it." "Like I said, fate will scatter us to the four winds." "Unless we just sit here forever." "BABELFISCH TRANSLATIONS Annie Grossjohann"