"* Love and marriage *" "* Love and marriage *" "* Go together like A horse and carriage *" "* This I tell ya, brother *" "* You can't have one *" "* Without the other *" "* Love and marriage *" "* Love and marriage *" "* It's an institute You can't disparage *" "* Ask the local gentry *" "* And they will say It's elementary *" "* Try, try Try to separate them *" "* It's an illusion *" "* Try, try, try *" "* And you will only come To this conclusion *" "* Love and marriage **" "[HUMMING]" "You want some?" "I made it myself." "Hey, Peg." "I got you something that's going to make your life much easier." "You got a night job?" "No." "I already got one of those." "It's called getting in bed with you." "Well, then, you've been missing work." "Anyhow, you know how you're always complaining" "Buck never comes when you call him?" "Well, I got you one of those silent dog whistles." "Watch." "Here, Buck." "Now watch this." "Go on, sit there and rust." "Speaking of items just sitting and rusting away, it's Thursday night." "Oh, nice timing, Peg." "You know I'm going bowling tonight." "I was going to try to break 200." "Now I got this hanging over my head." "Thanks a lot, Peg." "And what's this doing out?" "Are we having dinner, or is this just to tease me and the kids?" "No, it's for later." "The girls are coming over." "[CAR DOOR SLAMS]" "Oh, my God, they're here." "Quick!" "I've got to go!" "Peg!" "Where's my lucky bowling socks?" "Downstairs, warding off evil spirits." "[DOORBELL RINGS]" "[HUMMING]" "Hi!" "Hi!" "Hi!" "Come on in, girls." "Go straight into the kitchen." "AL:" "There's plaster falling on my head down here!" "Keep cadence, will you?" "Don't worry." "He'll be going bowling soon." "I know." "He's meeting my Dennis." "And my husband, um..." "Um..." "Barry?" "That's it." "I can never think of his name." "Ah!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "Ooh!" "It's amazing what energy they have when they're leaving the house." "But not for us." "You marry them, they forget you're a woman." "God knows, I do my best." "Peggy, you get it once a month." "What's your secret?" "Well, I'll tell you, you have to catch them off guard." "For instance, I'll tell Al that I'm going to take a shower before going to bed." "Then I'll go and turn on the shower, and Al will hurry up and get into bed and pretend to fall asleep before I get out." "Oh, yeah." "Mm-hmm." "Actually, though, I'm hiding in the darkened room, and I grab him just as he hits the mattress." "Sure, sometimes, there's a fight, but in the end, it gave us two beautiful children." "Oh!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "I can't understand it." "Our husbands don't want to sleep with us anymore." "Why?" "Maybe he's afraid he'll wake up in your stomach." "Must he be here?" "I'm going." "I'm going." "Good God, it calls them from everywhere." "Hi, Peg." "Sorry to interrupt, girls, but I'm in a hurry." "Steve and I have sort of a date planned tonight." "He's meeting me at a sleazy bar where he's going to "pick me up."" "Can I borrow a cigarette?" "Steve just loves it when I smoke and look like trash." "Sure." "Thanks." "Excuse me, but if you're married, why are you going out?" "We're role playing." "It adds mystery and excitement to our love life." "With your husband?" "How much of a love life?" "Every 36 hours." "Except on weekends when we catch up." "Give us some cigarettes, Peggy." "Yeah." "Let's go to the bowling alley and turn on our men!" "Al, what are you doing home so early?" "Peg, you should have seen it." "There was a riot at the alley." "Your friends showed up stinking of chocolate and cigarettes." "They started yelling, "Take me, I'm trash!"" "Nobody did." "But then the riot started." "It was ugly, Peg-- men screaming, running for the exits." "I didn't quite understand what they were saying, but I think something big's happening in 36 hours." "Do we have any canned goods, Peg?" "This could be it." "Sit down, Al." "Did you hear something on the news?" "Yes, as a matter of fact." "They said that the sun was going to supernova and we should have sex before the end comes." "I got no time, Peg." "I got to go looting!" "Forget it, Al." "I'm only kidding." "Look, unlike you, the sun will be up tomorrow morning." "Look, the girls were just lonely." "They wanted some affection from their husbands." "On league night?" "Never mind, Al." "I'm going to go upstairs and take a shower." "Oh, yeah!" "I'm sure you're really going to get me with that one twice." "Dad!" "No, it's not that, Dad." "Remember how you always say it's important to do nice things for other people?" "I never say that, son." "Then it must have been you, Mom." "No, I don't think it was me." "Must have been Cosby then." "Anyhow, me and my friends were down in the park, heckling some bums, and I met this girl." "and she has no place to stay, so I invited her here." "Is that okay?" "No." "Al, the girl has no place to stay, and I'm sure after one night with you, it will send her screaming back to her parents." "Of course, she can stay." "Thanks, Mom." "She's right outside." "Just until we find her parents." "This is great." "I barely want my own, now I get another runny-nosed" "Mom, Dad, this is Tiffany." "Welcome home, Tiff." "Al, this is not what I expected." "Peg, this is not a present for you." "It's for Dad..." "From his little boy!" "Tiffany, come in." "Relax." "Sit down." "You want anything, like coffee, water" "An old man drooling on you." "This is Peg." "This is probably the last time you'll see her." "Peg, this must be boring you." "Bud, take your mom to the movies." "Let her go by herself, Dad." "I found her." "So, uh, Tiffany..." "Tell us a little something about yourself." "What Peg means is where are you from, what are your plans?" "When did you stop wearing a bra?" "Well, I'm from San Francisco, and I'm on my way to New York to go to art school." "And I don't like bras." "They're too constricting, don't you think?" "Get out." "Peg, she's got no place to go." "Bud, get some sheets and a blanket for the couch so your mother will be comfortable." "No, no..." "I meant so Tiffany can be comfortable." "It's so easy to get you two confused." "You sure it's okay?" "Positive." "No!" "Definitely." "Thank you." "I'll just change for bed, then." "Isn't that cute, Peg?" "She's... walking." "Al, will you put down Tiffany's sweater?" "You know, Peg, her sweater smells like sunshine." "Well, I'll tell you what, Al, why don't we put it with your shirts?" "What with the moons under your arms and her sunshine, we'll have a whole galaxy." "Mr. and Mrs. Bundy," "I can't thank you enough for letting me stay here with you." "No, you can't." "Give her a chance, Peg." "She may." "She did." "Can you teach Peg to do that?" "I don't think she'll have time, Al." "She's leaving tomorrow..." "Early." "Well, I'm going up to bed." "I don't suppose you'd want to join me." "Yeah." "Yes?" "Oh, yeah." "Now." "Right now." "Stay!" "AL:" "Peg, you want to come back up?" "Forever." "Coming, Al!" "Hey, guys." "Thanks for helping me out in the yard." "Glad to help out." "No problem." "Nice guy like you." "I hope my aerobics didn't disturb your yard work." "No." "Didn't even notice you." "I'll just go wash up, then." "Thanks, Al." "Well, I hear Louise calling." "Yeah, Sheila's always ready." "Maybe I won't remember what she looks like." "Fanny should still be in bed." "Oh, well, I guess" "I can pretend the crumbs are sand and we're at the beach!" "Well, Al... thanks for letting me work in the yard." "Hey, Al!" "What's going on?" "I get home, there are all these cars parked on my lawn!" "Didn't you get my note?" "The one about five bucks to work your yard?" "I was going to rush right over, but I got held up tossing quarters down the sewer." "Actually, Steve, there's something upstairs you've got to see." "Now, to the general public, it's a $5.00 charge, but since you're a friend and we accidentally chopped down your willow tree, this is a freebee." "Oh, Tiffany!" "Yes, Mr. Bundy?" "Tiffany dear, come meet our neighbor." "He lost a tree, but gained a view." "Tiffany, Steve." "Steve..." "Steve, view." "Nice to meet you." "Gobloodu me." "Gee, you're cool, Steve." "Anyhow, let me give you a price list." "On Thursdays, she does aerobics." "That's $10." "On Friday she sunbathes, and she does some jogging." "That's our combo platter." "That's 15 bucks." "But being you live right next door, you might want the weekly rate." "That's $50, but with that, you get popcorn or a free lottery ticket." "I can't believe you, Al." "This is truly low." "So you in?" "Maybe." "No, I'm not in." "Where's Peggy?" "Well, she couldn't quite get up today." "Look at her, Steve." "She's in the kitchen." "Isn't that cute?" "Okay, so she's beautiful and gorgeous and all that, but, Al, so is Marcie, and what's more, Marcie has inner beauty." "And when all is said and done, the one true erogenous zone in the body is right up here." "Um, yeah, but the only thing is, Steve," "I don't see too many men going around pinching women's heads." "Well, perhaps we should." "Wait a second." "Modigliani, Kandinsky, Chagall." "Who here would be reading art books?" "Who here would be reading?" "Oh, those are mine." "Although I must admit it was the American Impressionists who won my heart." "How do you feel about Hassam?" "Oh!" "And Cassatt!" "Ahh!" "Al, isn't this exciting?" "She likes art!" "Look at her legs, Steve." "Oh, Peg!" "Peg, it's wake-up time!" "Sorry to leave you down here." "I had to take care of something upstairs." "Well, hi-ho, hi-ho." "I'm off to work." "Marcie, how're they hanging?" "Ohh!" "I, uh, may be home for lunch." "[BIRDS CHIRPING]" "My, the clouds look especially fluffy today." "[WHISTLES]" "What is going on?" "And what's all this singing at night I hear?" "That's the sounds of nookie, dear." "Everybody's getting it." "But if you were getting it every 36 hours before Tiffany," "I'm surprised you're even conscious." "So, what are you batting these days?" "He doesn't even get up to the plate." "Gee, too bad." "I can't stand it, Peggy." "Everyone in this neighborhood is happy, but me." "It's not fair." "I'm supposed to be the happy one, not you people." "All Steve wants to do is talk about Tiffany." "Tiffany, Tiffany, Tiffany." "He could care less that I was at that bar waiting for him last night-- with a cigarette." "He never did show up." "I spent three hours pounding down brewskies with some spot welder named Bluto." "Well, Marcie, why don't you look at it this way-- so your husband doesn't find you attractive and interesting anymore." "Did you think you'd get through married life having sex and fun indefinitely?" "Not in this town, Marce." "So why don't you do what the girls and I did?" "Get yourself some bonbons, take up bingo, and readjust the shower heads in the bathroom." "How about if I try this?" "Putting Tiffany's hair in a veg-o-matic?" "Slice it, dice it, let it sit in her lap while I dance around her shaven head." "Come on, Peggy, you've got to help me." "We must get rid of Tiffany." "Oh, no, no, no, Marce." "We must put an end to world hunger, we must buckle up for safety, but when it comes to Peg Bundy getting it regularly, we must go with the flow." "Now, if you'll excuse me," "I must go and get dinner for my sugar tush." "Oh, and if Tiffany comes back, could you have her sitting on the couch when Al comes home?" "It's important." "[TELEPHONE RINGS]" "Hello?" "No, Steve, this is not Tiffany." "This is your wife, and let me tell" "Hello?" "Oh, hi, Mrs. Rhoades." "Gee, you're looking haggard." "Isn't this nice?" "The birds are singing, the whole neighborhood smells of bacon, and, you know, everybody says that the clouds look especially fluffy." "Here are your messages, Kel." "Thank you." "Craig called." "Saw Tiffany." "Please call immediately." "Don, ditto." "Cliff." "Ooh, Cliff!" "Uh, Kel." "Forgetting something." "You are one heck of a little brother." "Yep." "I found her." "[BIRDS SING]" "Hi." "How are you?" "Gee, isn't it a pretty day?" "All right, blondie." "Let's get right to the point." "I want you to stop talking Modigliani with my husband." "You must be married to Steve, the banker/mountain climber." "He hasn't climbed anything since you hit this burg." "But I'm probably boring you with my petty problems." "Pretty much, yeah." "Well, then let's talk about you." "Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk." "What's the matter?" "Oh, nothing." "It's just that I hate to see you, a budding young artist, wasting your life." "You should be in New York, that cultural mecca, studying to be the great artist you could be." "Is this one of your sketches, dear?" "Yes, it is." "It's lovely." "I'm sorry." "It's just that when I see art this good" "I get kind of choked up." "You really think I'm that good?" "I've seen the sun come up over a garden hose before... but now that I've seen it through your eyes," "I truly understand." "The hose represents man's state in the universe." "Tiffany, go!" "You must share your vision with all of New York!" "You're right." "I'll go." "I'll tell Peg and Al tonight that" "No, no!" "Don't tell them." "Just go." "A clean break is best." "There's a pre-paid ticket waiting for you at O'Hare." "My treat." "Thank you, Mrs. Rhoades." "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "Pack!" "Oh, okay!" "New York?" "Hey, Peg." "What happened to the birds?" "Uh, I don't know, Al." "You want to go upstairs?" "No, not yet." "Eh..." "It doesn't smell like it used to in here." "It's not like a sea breeze anymore." "Where's Tiffany?" "Out." "For the evening." "She went to the movies." "You want to go upstairs?" "Uh, no." "No, uh..." "Something's missing." "Is it darker, or... colder?" "Has the paint faded?" "All right, Al." "She's gone." "Forever." "But it doesn't matter, honey." "I mean, who needs her?" "We've been so happy together, and we've learned so much." "Like that you won't die if we do it more than once a month." "Let's go upstairs." "Uh, I'm going up." "You want to join me?" "Al?" "PEG:" "Oh, God, no!"