"How's the decoding coming, Kinch?" "Uh, in a minute." "But it don't look too good." "St. Louis Browns are in first place in the American League." "And the bank is about to foreclose on "Mary Noble, Backstage Wife."" "Again?" "How'll we ever break this to Carter?" "Break what to Carter?" "Brace yourself, boy, this is going to be rough." "Oh, those eyes." "Kinch, you tell him." "The bank is going to foreclose on Mary Noble." "I can't take much more of this." "Put the rest of these..." "Here he is, Colonel." "Picked him up about half a mile from camp." "Oh, good." "Lynch." "We've been expecting you, Lynch." "Colonel Hogan." "Well, I got the stuff for you." "Enough explosives here to blow this camp clear to Berlin." "Yeah, well, we don't know anybody in Berlin." "Where are the rest of the instructions?" "Uh, "The Germans' 43rd Mobile Anti-Aircraft Battery is stationed at Kaiserhof."" "That's that new battery that's been knocking off our bombers like clay pigeons." ""Important raid planned for chemical works at Kaiserhof" ""in 48 hours." ""Imperative knock out 43rd Battery prior to raid." "Explosives on the way."" "Well, you got your work cut out for you." "My job was a cinch-- just bring in the explosives." "Hey, they didn't send any detonator caps with them." "Of course not." "They never send the detonator caps in the same package with the explosives." "It's too dangerous." "Here, excuse me a second." "What?" "Excuse me..." "That's against reg..." "Nurse." "( humming )" "Careful... there you go." "There, my friend..." "the detonator caps." "Tell the rest of the fellas there'll be a briefing in the barracks." "Right." "I was carrying the explosives and the detonator caps?" "Mm-hmm." "Right." "As you said, Lynch, your job was a cinch." "All right, Carter and Newkirk, you'll pick up the German vehicle here." "LeBeau, this uniform doesn't fit at all." "Of course not." "If it fit, you'd be picked up at once." "You know Germans are abominable tailors." "Now, listen, you'll drive to the 43rd ack-ack battery, posing as ordnance inspectors." "Now, while Newkirk is supposedly inspecting the guns, you, Carter, will plant one of these little valentines right at the base of the recoil frame." "And when they get off their first shot and the guns start to recoil... ( imitates guns and explosions )" "Yeah." "Now, when you bring the car back, you'll park it here." "Don't forget to take enough change for the parking meter." "Watch it" " Schultz!" "Scatter, everybody." "Eh, four." "Four?" "One, two, three, four." ""You have been arrested for speeding." "Go to jail, pay the fine and lose one turn."" "Hi, Schultz." "( chuckling )" "Playing children's games." "What is this war coming to?" "Games?" "Want to know what we were really doing?" "No." "No." "It's a game." "It's a game." "What else would you boys be doing?" "No, no, no, no." "I want to know nothing... nothing!" "Okay, Schultz." "What is wrong with him?" "Oh, he's sick, Schultz, very sick." "He's got measles." "Ja, and they're German." "German measles!" "He's lazy, that's what he is." "( laughing )" "Was ist los?" "Was ist los?" "Was-was-was ist los?" "Newkirk, what are you doing in there?" "Newkirk!" "You won't believe this, Schultz, but I'm dressed in a German uniform and I'm going to walk right out that ruddy front gate." "Jolly jokers!" "Jolly jokers!" "All of you!" "Jolly jokers!" "Hey, did you see Schultz?" "He nearly caught me!" "( laughing )" "I'm sorry, I forgot." "Uh, Colonel Hogan," "Kommandant Klink wishes you to come to his office." "He wants you to meet the new Executive Officer, Major Kuehn." "Oh, boy!" "Our new Executive Officer, huh?" "Doggone!" "I thought I was going to get that job." "293 attempted escapes instead of 291, as you indicated." "I did not feel it necessary to include those two attempts." "They were made by my guards." "( clicking tongue )" "Inaccurate records." "Major Kuehn, may I remind you that you are only second in command here and that your appointment is temporary." "One might also express it this way:" "I am temporarily second in command." "( knock on door ) Come in." "Ah, Colonel Hogan." "Colonel Hogan, this is Major Kuehn." "He is temporarily second in com..." "He's second in command." "I am the new Executive Officer." "And you are the famous Colonel Hogan, whose men have been unable to escape in 293 attempts." "29l." "Don't give me credit for the two guards." "We covered that." "Colonel Hogan, I want to warn you." "If anything should happen to Colonel Klink " "Happen?" "An accident... or a replacement, in the normal course of military routine." "At any rate, Colonel Hogan, if anything should happen to Colonel Klink, you will find yourself against an even more iron-willed adversary." "Impossible!" "Um, uh, who might that be?" "Myself, Colonel." "I will show you the kind of man you will be dealing with." "Beginning tonight, I took the liberty of doubling the guards around the perimeter." "Now, just a minute!" "( muttering ):" "Wait, wait, wait, wait." "If there haven't been any escapes, why double the guards?" "Yes, why?" "To put an end to those attempts." "Now, see here, Major, may I remind you that I am the Kommandant here, and, as such, I make the decisions." "Very interesting." "I must remember to mention it to my dear Uncle Karl when I write him." "Uncle Karl?" "Yes, uh, Field Marshal Karl Von Streicher of the General Staff." "His specialty is military protocol." "Have you read his book on the chain of command?" "( weak laugh )" "No." "I have." "Not a laugh in the book." "Well, look, I've, uh, got to be moving along." "You'll probably want to get started on a letter to your dear Uncle Karl." "KLINK:" "Just a minute." "As I said, I make the decisions here, and I have decided to tighten security by doubling the guard around the perimeter." "Very wise, Colonel." "Perhaps the letter to my uncle can wait." "Good day, Colonel Hogan." "Little trouble, Klink?" "Well, after all, he's a young man, an ambitious man..." "with an uncle." "In any case, I'm not concerned." "Well, I guess you don't have to be." "After all, you have three choices." "Three choices?" "Mm-hmm." "Resign your commission, ask for transfer to the Eastern Front or... ( whispers ):" "pray for an Allied invasion." "What happened?" "The whole place is crawling with Krauts up there!" "They've doubled the guard." "We barely made it back to the tunnel." "Boy, this place is getting just like a P.O.W. camp." "Kinch, call the sub." "Kuehn doesn't waste any time." "There goes the mission." "But what about that raid on Kaiserhof?" "Maybe they'll delay it till we get Kuehn out of the way." "Papa Bear calling Goldilocks-- come in." "Hello, Goldilocks, this is Papa Bear." "That surprise party for Kaiserhof-- can it be put off for a few nights?" "OFFICER:" "No can do, Papa Bear." "Surprise party goes on as scheduled." "Do the best you can." "All right." "Roger and out." "The raid goes as scheduled." "That's rough." "You're gonna lose some mighty good boys." "You're right." "Tell Lynch to fall out for roll call." "But that's gonna put us one man over, Colonel." "A little bonus for the Germans." "What are you going to do after the war, Schultzy?" "Surrender, what else?" "I hear they're going to put Schultz in charge of Rhode Island." "Well, if they do, I hope he won't sit down on it." "15, sixt--..." "Colonel Hogan, please!" "There are 16." "We are supposed to have only 15." "It's just like income tax, Schultz." "If the mistake is in your favor, keep quiet." "Well, I have to count again!" "All right, be my guest." "15 men." "Raus!" "Eins, zwei, drei, vier, funf... ( muttering ) dreizehn, vierzehn, funfzehn!" "Ah, now it's 15!" "I'm losing my mind." "( whispering ):" "Schultz, somebody's trying to escape in the back of that car." "Someone is trying to escape in the back of the car..." "Where?" "HOGAN:" "Right there." "No..." "Ach du lieber!" "Schultz, what is it?" "What is it?" "What are you doing in there?" "I was shot down last night, sir." "This morning, I saw this car parked alongside the road so I crawled in it and hid under the blanket." "Major Kuehn, take the prisoner to my office so that I may interrogate him." "Colonel, according to regulations, interrogations are conducted by the Executive Officer." "Schultz, that's what I said." "Take the prisoner to my office so that Major Kuehn may interrogate him." "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant!" "Raus!" "Raus, raus, raus, raus!" "I know it's a complicated war, Colonel, but I just don't see how we're going to win by capturing our own men." "It's a subtle game, Newkirk." "What you just saw was the first step in our overall strategy." "Well, what do we do now?" "We wait." "For them to make a mistake?" "No." "For me to think of the next step." "They didn't get anything out of you, did they?" "Name, rank and serial number, that's all." "Well, that's more than they got out of me." "Sit down." "He couldn't remember his serial number." "Look, Newkirk, get him out of the secret tunnel;" "and Lynch, thank you so much for your assistance." "It was nothing." "Had a nice time at your party." "This way, mate." "Well, good luck." "Take care." "Have a good trip, Lynch." "LeBeau, my boy, we are ready for phase two." "Oui, mon Colonel." "Now, you cannot blame prisoners for not giving information." "I know a man is keeping secrets when he avoids looking directly at me." "Even Fraulein Helga noticed it." "That's right, sir." "The Sergeant's eyes kept moving away from you and looking over at me." "KUEHN:" "You see?" "And he didn't even look me in the eye!" "Perhaps you're right." "They can't be trusted." "( knocking )" "Fraulein." "Colonel Hogan is here." "( whistling Hogan's Heroes theme )" "Colonel Hogan, you will please refrain from whistling." "I'm sorry, sir." "It's just such a beautiful day." "By the way, could we leave the lights on later than usual tonight?" "We're having a celebration." "Celebration?" "Mm-hmm." "The news today was..." "It's such a lovely day, we want to celebrate." "News?" "You said, "news"." "Well, it's a lovely day." "It's probably going to be a lovely night, too." "With a big full moon." "Huh?" "A bomber's moon." "Ah, but don't worry about that." "You've got that great antiaircraft battery at Kaiserhof." "What's... what's the number?" "Uh, uh... uh, 43rd." "How do you know about that?" "Don't worry." "It won't get out of this camp." "Colonel Hogan, lights out will be the same as usual tonight." "We are not interested in your celebrations." "Okay, I'll try again tomorrow." "Maybe we'll have more to celebrate." "Uh, Helga, honey, do yourself a favor." "If you have a date tonight, stay out of Hammelburg." "Did you hear that?" "The information was brought in by the new prisoner." "Indeed." "Of course." "They're bombing Hammelburg tonight." "Very interesting." "How did you arrive at that?" "It's like putting two and two together." "Now, Hogan intimated there would be a bombing." "And you heard him tell Fraulein Helga to stay out of Hammelburg." "Now, listen, we must call General Burkhalter at once and tell him to move the 43rd to Hammelburg." "You have fallen into Colonel Hogan's trap." "He wanted you to believe that lie." "Of course." "I wasn't fooled." "I was testing you." "I know Hogan like a book." "( laughing )" "KINCH:" "He's snooping around on the side here." "Yeah, he's looking for something." "Let's give it to him." "Have the men fall out." "Make sure they line up near this corner." "We don't want Kuehn to miss a word." "All right." "All right." "NEWKIRK:" "I don't know, either... ( indistinct, loud conversation )" "I don't know what he wants." "Come on, what's going on?" "All right, all right." "Let me have your attention." "I have several announcements to make." "Number one-- whoever stole Newkirk's watch, forget it." "He just stole it back." "Good job." "Good job." "Now, my next announcement concerns us all." "It will not be very welcome news." "( men groaning )" "NEWKIRK:" "What do you mean by that then, Colonel?" "CARTER:" "What's going on, Colonel?" "As you all know, tomorrow's the day that the Red Cross packages are scheduled to arrive." "Yeah." "Sure." "Now they're going to be unavoidably detained, if not destroyed." "Why?" "!" "Oh, boy!" "( clamoring )" "However, once you learn the reason why," "I don't think you're going to be disappointed." "KINCH:" "You mean...?" "HOGAN:" "That's exactly what I mean." "That's all." "Fall out." "Oh, boy!" "( murmuring )" "Will you be needing me, Herr Major?" "Not for the present, my dear." "I'll finish the letter to my Uncle Karl later." "( clears throat )" "Major Kuehn, about your uncle, the Field Marshal..." "Uncle Karl?" "Yes." "Oh!" "Have you been thinking that possibly" "I might use this close connection to your disadvantage?" "Well, of course, I..." "May I remind you, sir, that I am second in command here and that my loyalty rests with you." "Splendid!" "And may I say to you, sir, if my uncle were a Field Marshal," "I would be equally generous." "As a matter of fact..." "Ja, ja, ja, ja." "By the way, Colonel, I believe the Red Cross truck with the prisoners' packages is due tomorrow." "Yes, that's true." "I am just curious." "What is the route the truck takes to reach Stalag 13?" "May I show you?" "I am quite good with maps, by the way." "You know, I studied Tactics at Command School." "Now, here we are." "The trucks leave from the southwest." "They go through Kleinhoff," "Bad Stroheim, Weisskirchen, and Hammelburg." "Now..." "Thank you, Colonel." "But I was about to show you some features of tactical interest for students of World War I." "Colonel, have you checked the gate security recently?" "No." "But Verdun is of special significance." "Regulations state specifically that gate security should be checked daily by the Commandant." "Yes, of course." "I customarily do just that at this time." "You know, I have great confidence in you, Major." "Great confidence." "I don't trust that man." "Major Kuehn here." "Get me General Burkhalter's headquarters at once." "Ah..." "Hammelburg." "( over radio ):" "Burkhalter here." "What is it, Major?" "KUEHN:" "General, I have just extracted some vital information from a prisoner." "An enormous air strike is on for tonight." "Target:" "Hammelburg!" "KUEHN:" "Yes, sir, I am absolutely positive." "Undoubtedly, it's the munitions works there." "Sir, I am certain the prisoner wasn't lying." "KUEHN:" "I got the information so cleverly, he wasn't even aware he made the slip." "With the General's permission, may I strongly suggest that you move the 43rd Mobile Antiaircraft Battery to Hammelburg at once?" "BURKHALTER:" "I will see to it immediately." "And good work, Kuehn." "KUEHN:" "Thank you, Herr General." "Colonel, the fly walked right into your parlor, he did." "Yep." "And he brought the 43rd Ack-Ack Battery right along with him." "Kinch, contact the sub." "Right, and tell them that everything's okay for the raid on Kaiserhof, huh?" "Right!" "Oh, and by the way, for Carter's sake, will you find about "Mary Noble, Backstage Wife"?" "If it's any more bad news," "I don't want to hear it." "( laughter )" "Want to see me, Major?" "Yes." "Is your barracks policed up and your men ready for inspection?" "Yeah." "What's the occasion?" "General Burkhalter is due to arrive any moment." "And, Hogan, I want you to know I appreciate your helpfulness." "I helped you in some way?" "Unknowingly." "You were shrewd." "Shrewd enough for most men." "Colonel Klink, for example, was completely taken in." "But not you, huh, Major?" "KLINK:" "Major Kuehn!" "May I ask why I was not informed about the upcoming visit of General Burkhalter?" "Very simple, Colonel." "General Burkhalter is coming to see me, not you." "But the Commandant must always be informed about a visit of such importance!" "Of course, you still are the Commandant." "Very well." "You are informed." "And may I also inform you that General Burkhalter, in his message, told me he was bringing me a surprise, and I strongly suspect that surprise is a close relative." "You don't mean the...?" "His uncle, the Field Marshal." "You ought to read his book." "Silence!" "I'll lend you my copy." "( car approaching )" "There's General Burkhalter now!" "General Burkhalter, may I welcome you to Stalag l3." "Out of my way, Klink." "This is the man I came to see." "Major Kuehn?" "Ja, Herr General." "Major, about that information you phoned me, regarding last night's raid..." "Did you know about that, Klink?" "No!" "Sir, he phoned you?" "!" "Naturally." "Boy, you can't trust anybody nowadays." "Was the operation successful, sir?" "Enormously." "From the point of view of the Allies!" "Allies?" "!" "Allies?" "!" "We're the good guys." "You blundering fool!" "Getting me to move the 43rd to Hammelburg!" "But, but, but..." "Didn't they bomb...?" "Kaiserhof, yes!" "The chemical works there were reduced to rubble." "KUEHN:" "It-It-It-It-It was Hammelburg!" "He told me!" "How would I know a thing like that?" "Don't try to squirm out of this, Kuehn." "Klink, can you get along temporarily without an Executive Officer?" "Yes, I can, sir." "Oh, now, wait a minute!" "You can't take Major Kuehn." "He's the only friend we have here." "Why, just last night, the fellas voted to make him an honorary prisoner." "Honorary?" "Well... when I get back to Berlin," "I will see to it that it is made official!" "I warn you, I shall protest to my uncle, Field Marshal Von Streicher!" "I wouldn't count too heavily on the help from your uncle, Kuehn." "Last night, the Field Marshal was on an inspection tour that took him, unfortunately, to the chemical works at Kaiserhof!" "And I wanted to get you an autographed copy of his book." "The Colonel will be here in a moment." "Thanks, Helga." "He seems very angry with you." "Have you done something naughty?" "No, but I might as well." "Hogan, I am holding you responsible for the escape." "What escape?" "Lynch's." "He ruined my perfect record." "Now you and your men are going to pay for it." "This is the first and the last escape." "Wait a minute, wait a minute." "How could you lose something you never had?" "What?" "What?" "How did Lynch get in here?" "Now, you know that perfectly well." "In the backseat of Major Kuehn's staff car." "What if I were to tell you he got out the same way?" "What?" "What?" "He came in in the back of Kuehn's staff car, and he went out in the back of Kuehn's staff car." "He was never your prisoner." "He was Kuehn's stooge-- a spy." "I have my records right here." "His name... his rank... and it's gone." "You know, Hogan, I never really trusted Major Kuehn." "Really?" "I think that Lynch was a spy." "Brilliant." "Oh, boy." "You never miss a trick." "My record remains unblemished." "Not one escape." "Mm-hmm." "But we'll keep trying, even though we're no match for you." "Naturally." "And I admire your spirit." ""(End of Episode)""