"This programme contains some strong language" "APPLAUSE" "Good evening, welcome to Have I Got News For You." "I'm David Mitchell." "In the news this week, in Blackburn, a young man begins to wonder whether the salesman was being completely honest when he offered him a test ride on the new 500cc Kawasaki superbike." "TRUMPETER MAKES MOTORBIKE REVVING NOISES" "In Blackpool, just days after winning £27 million on the Lottery, a pensioner hears about the death of his wife." "And, in order to disprove vicious rumours that he's a bully," "Labour Deputy Leader Tom Watson releases home video footage of him playing with his child at Christmas." "On Ian's team tonight is a journalist and Newsnight presenter who says it's about time we had a female chancellor." "That's one drastic cut I'd like to see George Osborne make." "Please welcome Kirsty Wark." "APPLAUSE" "And with Paul tonight is a comedian and co-writer of Outnumbered and Drop The Dead Donkey who says," ""We make things that we would like to watch."" "So do a lot of people, but they call it sexting." "Please welcome Andy Hamilton." "APPLAUSE" "And we start with the bigger stories of the week." "Paul and Andy, take a look at this." "Oh, yes, rather beautiful image but drastic for the people who live there." "Cumbria." "The floodings have been pretty grim." "Cameron, he does look as if he's saying," ""I can make this water go back," doesn't he?" "He's about to make a Canute of himself." "There's an awful lot of water in this, so I suspect this is about the floods in Cumbria and other parts of the country." "Dreadful conditions that people have been putting up with." "I'm not sure it's a good idea to show so much footage of lots of water to men of our age at the top of the show." "But I think there's been a bit of a controversy because there's meant to be some sort of flood plans that weren't put into plan about three years ago that might have stopped" " the worst of this?" " They say that even the flood defences the water came over worked a bit." "Cos if they'd been lower, they would have come over quicker." "So, you'd have been flooded quicker without that." "Which I think was a comfort to a lot of people." "You can put a positive spin on it." "Here's Environment Minister Rory Stewart explaining how effective some of the defences have been." "So, the main defence here on the Warwick Road is just behind that group of buildings that we can see." "And that defence, it wasn't breached." "But what's happened is the waters come over the top." "So that defence has worked well." "Didn't naming the storm make us more storm aware?" "Cos, apparently, the phrase" ""There's a life-threatening storm on the way,"" "people just tune that out." "But if you say, "There's a life-threatening storm on the way," ""and, oh, incidentally, it's got a name,"" "they're galvanised, but it didn't." " That's because it was called Desmond." " Well, exactly." "That's a suburban name." "I mean, Desmond is not a destructive storm, is it?" "Desmond is someone who rings your doorbell with a petition about speed bumps." "You need frightening, terrifying, destructive names, like Storm Genghis." "Or..." "Storm Bastard." "You can't have those same jolly weather forecasters being all cosy and cheerful, saying, "Oh, Desmond's on the way."" "It's not scary." "You know, you need the bloke who does the cinema ads." " DEEP GRAVELLY VOICE:" " Off the coast of Cornwall..." "In a world where umbrellas are futile." "It gave opportunities for people who didn't have swimming pools to improvise." "There was a wonderful picture of a lovely old man swimming in his kitchen." "Yes, indeed, that's 72-year-old Kendal resident Peter Clarkson." "And here he is swimming." "AUDIENCE GROAN" "There was a daring rescue at a house in Carlisle." " Did you read about that?" " No." " Angela Watson told the Guardian:" "Do you know what happened to Sam and Samantha Thompson's wedding" " in Ullswater?" " That's Cumbria, isn't it?" "They were cut off at the reception..." "Did the best man bring a rubber ring?" "SMATTERING OF APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER" "Apparently not." "It's a sensible suggestion, Ian." "I don't know why people are so grumpy." "Two main celebrity flood victims were Tim Farron and Steve Coogan." " Do you know the situation he found himself in?" " In a car with his dog." " Yeah." " It says here," "Steve Coogan was trapped in a car with a German Shepherd." "So, it could be." "And, yes, Lib Dem leader Tim Farron was trapped in Westmorland." "Some of the floodwaters came up to Tim's chest." "Although elsewhere it was quite deep." "And do you know who was commended for bravery?" " Was it Brian Blessed?" " It always is." " It usually is." "There's a story most weeks that Brian's rescued someone." "He's gone and he's sucked up all the water through a straw." "Now he's going up Mount Everest to wee it down onto nature." " No." " I'll believe that." "No, it's RTE's Teresa Mannion, who stood in the rain reporting on the weather in the Republic of Ireland." "Let's have a look." "Cannot repeat the advice often enough from the Garda." "Don't make unnecessary journeys." "Don't take risks on treacherous roads." "And don't swim in the sea." " I love that." " The floods have also led to a spate of burglaries." "Furious Carlisle resident Michael Johnson said:" "He's since been arrested for stealing police tape." "Ian and Kirsty, take a look at this." "AUDIENCE AND KIRSTY GROAN" "Yes - boo." "Donald Trump is so dammed attractive." "He's very keen on pictures of himself." "And he's signing it for himself." "He said that all Muslims should be banned." "But he announced it in the third person." "Which is a sure sign of a lunatic." "Yeah." "He said, "Donald J Trump... has announced..."" "you thought, "Oh, is that not you, then?"" "Distancing yourself from this bigoted idiot." "Yes, you're absolutely right." "This is the announcement he made." "Let's have a look at him doing it." "Donald J Trump is calling for a total and complete shut down of Muslims entering the United States, until our country's representatives can figure out what the hell is going on." "Who WOULD be able to get into America under Trump?" "He said he's always got on very well with the blacks." "Someone said on the radio," ""Is that the Blacks who are a white couple who live three doors down?"" "When he says stuff, it doesn't have to be practical, it doesn't have to be true..." "Cos he's a liar." "He's a liar and he's a racist." "He's a friend of Piers Morgan..." "LAUGHTER" "No, no, no, no, no, no, no." "Come on..." "Piers Morgan SAID he was." "No, Piers has got no friends, you know that." "Let's look at how his ban would work in practice." "It's quite simple actually." "Trump explained what border guards would say faced with travellers trying to enter the US:" "And if the answer is yes, they wouldn't be allowed into the country." "So..." "It's a very workable way..." "So I think in answer to your question, who would be allowed into the country under his system, it's... anyone." "He's getting the backwash now, even from places like Dubai where he has lots of investments, they don't want his name attached to it, they're pulling out." "You know, Trump trinkets sold big in the Middle East." "Trump toothpaste, Trump toothbrushes..." " Really?" "!" " Yeah." " Trump toothbrushes?" "!" " Well, I'm making them up." "You wouldn't want anything to do with him in your mouth!" "And how did Britain first get involved in Trump's recent remarks?" "He said that London was, er..." " No-go areas." " London was a no-go area..." " KIRSTY:" "For certain police officers." " Yes, he said..." "There are certain places in London police are scared for their lives." "Sports Direct..." "KIRSTY:" "Yeah..." ""Not going there."" "He bolsters his argument against excluding Muslims by saying he didn't want US cities to become like London..." "And our very own attention-seeking tousle-haired political funnyman had a response to that." "Who was that, and what did he say?" " It was Boris, he said it was nonsense." " Yes, he said..." "APPLAUSE" "Let's talk about the petition on the Government's website to ban Trump from Britain on the grounds of hate speech." "It would be a huge mistake, because a bit like Isis, that would be giving him exactly what he wants." "See, that'll play to the myth of him as the outsider, the truth teller." "Yeah, "No-one wants to listen to these very sensible views, they're banning me."" "All you've got to do is listen to his views, and then you realise that you DON'T have to listen to them." " So we should invite him over." " Yes, exactly." " I'd like him to be host." " Yes!" "ANDY:" "That'd be perfect." "Am I doing THAT badly?" "!" "He's replied already, he said, "The whole of Britain should be listening." ""Wake up!"" "To what?" "Wake up...to fascism!" "Simple, hate-fuelled solution." "Trump's response to the petition was that..." "He also went on to thank the..." "Well, case closed, Your Honour!" "He has supporters, we should say for balance, other than Hopkins." "According to the Telegraph, he's received support from Andrew Anglin, publisher of the neo-Nazi website Daily Stormer." "He said..." "He sounds nice." "Just for fun, to lighten the mood, shall we see some vegan butter that looks like Donald Trump?" "Yes, please!" "Here you go." "While Trump is concerned about the spread of Isis in the States, who's in trouble for promoting Isis-style violence in THIS country?" " Tyson Fury." " Oh, yes, good answer." " No, not Tyson Fury." "It's Bafta-winning CBBC cartoon OOglies." " OOglies...?" " That would have been your next answer, I know." " Yeah(!" ")" "I know this story, I read this." "It's about a soldier in a boiled egg." " Oh, yeah." " And the soldier has chopped the top of the egg off." "And someone's complained that this is a fake beheading scene." "Let's take a look." "Waah!" "FIZZLING" "Huh?" "!" "BOOM!" "Oh...ho!" "Haww!" "I'm beginning to sympathise!" " I didn't realise we had a BOMB outrage first." " KIRSTY:" "I know..." "I think it should be banned(!" ")" "So who else has been the subject of a petition this week?" "The strangely named Tyson Fury." "Who believes that homosexuals are paedophiles, and that women are better to be in the kitchen." "For a boxer, he's not strangely named, is he?" "He's named after..." " His dad was a boxer...." " ..that well-known wife-beater Mike Tyson." "Don't broadcast that, he might be watching." "He was up for Sports Personality of the Year - was he ever going to win Sports Personality of the Year?" "That's the thing." "Over 100,000 people have signed a petition calling for the BBC to remove Tyson Fury from the Sports Personality of the Year shortlist." "It's an unfortunate immediate reaction to everything you don't like - just ban it." "You could argue against it or point out it's wrong or listen to it or..." "But no, just ban it." "Apart from the boiled egg, which I think SHOULD be banned." "Also - he IS a boxer." "I mean, he gets hit in the head for a living." "I'm not sure that the intellectual expectation..." "Don't broadcast this, either." "And what did he actually say, Fury?" ""Homosexuals and paedophiles, that needs to be sorted before the end of the world..."" "So he's put a kind of deadline on it." "And he said, "Women belong in the kitchen or on their backs."" " That makes cooking quite difficult, doesn't it?" " It does, yeah." "Unless you've got one of those low-level ovens, I suppose." " I mean, she'll have to be up for it, obviously." " Yeah." " Fury said..." "Quite a dark remark, isn't it?" "Yeah - although he's quite positive about it." "You know." "There are only three, he says." "I didn't realise that the devil LIVED here." " He had a place in Luton, didn't he?" " He's got a few places." "What did Tyson Fury say about fellow Sports Personality of the Year nominee Jessica Ennis-Hill?" "Aren't we just giving publicity more to what he said?" "Why not just ignore him, go on to the next question?" "APPLAUSE" "Might as well." "This is Donald Trump's call to ban all Muslims from entering America." "That's his view of immigrants." "Honestly." "They COMB OVER here..." "This week, an apparent terrorist attack on the London Underground gave rise to the hashtag..." "Perhaps not what the attacker wanted to hear." "Though, on the plus side, it would qualify him to get into Donald Trump's America." " So, er..." " APPLAUSE" "And so to round two - the one-armed bandit of news!" "Fingers on buzzers, teams, here's the first one." "BUZZER" "The Mona Lisa, one of the most famous portraits ever painted." "Er, there's an expert and he thinks that, underneath, there's a painting of somebody else, er, selling kebabs in the, er," "Hornsey High Road in 1452." " They also found some numbers..." " Yeah." " ..for colouring purposes." "The thing is that people used to think that the Mona Lisa was a picture of someone called Lisa Gherardini, but now, they reckon the one underneath is of her, which means the one on top, the famous one," "has to be of someone else, cos they're different people." " Let's have a look at the Lisa underneath the Mona." " OK." " Oh!" " You can see..." " KIRSTY:" "The eyes are similar." " ANDY:" "The prospective looks a bit out on that one." " Yeah." " Yes, she does." " Her head's a bit weird." "I mean, far be it from me to criticise Leonardo da Vinci!" " No..." " You know!" " Hang on, that can't be under the Mona Lisa painting." " KIRSTY:" "That's what they think." " Yeah." " Oh, an artist impression(?" ")" " KIRSTY:" "Yeah, well, I don't..." " I think that's..." "APPLAUSE" "Fingers on buzzers, teams." "BUZZER" " ANDY:" "Is that Taylor Swift?" " It is!" " Are these dressing room demands?" "Not heard this story?" "This is the news that science has shown that certain foods taste better with certain types of music." "Are these, er, "music foodologists"?" "This is Professor Charles Spence of the University of Oxford!" " Oh, OK, all right!" " He's back out, is he?" " Yeah!" " Yes, he..." " Hello, Charlie, you all right?" " Another new identity." " Yeah!" " You know..." "He discovered that music can affect the enjoyment of food." "And how did he conduct his research?" "Do you know?" " He ate a lot?" " Yeah." " He gave people food while playing different bits of music to them." " You could be a professor!" " Yeah!" "Based on Professor Spence's research, which type of food" " do you think the following songs improved the taste of?" " Ooh, OK." "So let's start with Queen's We Will Rock You." "Fishcakes!" "Sorry, I didn't know I was going to say that." " It's like a genre." "Think genres of food rather than..." " Curries." " Yes." "Curries." "Indian food." "They found that listening to rock music..." "You can tell this is scientific." "They found that listening to rock music made curries 4% spicier." "Nina Simone's Feeling Good?" "Er, cannibalism." " Um, sushi." " ALL:" "Sushi?" "!" " Sushi." "And, finally, Taylor Swift's Blank Space?" "ANDY:" "Whatever's on that plate." "KIRSTY:" "Fajitas!" "ANDY:" "Whatever that is." " Um, Chinese food." "I think that's noodles." " Oh, OK." "Yeah, it gives you a better tasting Chinese and, when you spill a bit of soy sauce, you can just Shake It Off, Shake It Off." "I've do idea what that means!" "May..." "May you enjoy it." "Whatever it is." "This is the news that certain types of music go with certain types of food." "According to the research..." "Yes, but only because they're in a hurry to get out." "Fingers on buzzers, teams, here's the next one." "BUZZER" " Looks like Shakespeare." " ANDY:" "Shakespeare stole a theatre." " Did he?" "!" " Basically." "That story..." " Is that why he's got a bag of swag over his shoulder?" " Yeah, he's..." " Wearing a black-and-white striped shirt, like all burglars?" " Yeah." " Elizabethan burglars in particular." " Yeah, yeah, yeah." "Rough justice." "Go on, then." " ANDY:" "Um..." " Thank you, Ian!" "Shakespeare and his mate Garrick, um, they fell out with the landlord..." " Garrick?" " The actor." " No, no, Garrick's a bit later." " Yeah." " Who was it?" " Keane?" " Kempe?" "Kempe the Clown?" " Burbage." " Burbage, that was it!" "Yeah, not Garrick, Andy!" "For God's sake!" " Ridiculous!" " Burbage." "Idiot!" " You might as well say Tom Cruise!" " Yeah!" " Him and his mate Benedict Cumberbatch..." " Yeah!" "KIRSTY:" "Posh boys!" "ANDY:" "Um, sorry..." "They fell out with the landlord and they decided to nick the theatre." "They released the archive of the court records, is it?" "Yes, according to 17th-century papers that have" " just been released..." " PAUL LAUGHS" "It's an enquiry by Sir John of Chilcot." "APPLAUSE" "Um, talking of making things disappear, though," " do you want to see an orang-utan enjoying some close-up magic?" " Yes!" "KIRSTY:" "I love that!" "DAVID LAUGHS" "This is an old court paper that suggests William Shakespeare was involved in the theft of a whole theatre." "It was pretty easy to reassemble the Elizabethan theatre, which was much like an IKEA flat pack, with every piece carefully labelled." "It even inspired Shakespeare's most famous line, as he looked round for the next piece of wood that would slot into section 2A." "No!" "KIRSTY GROANS" "Time now for the odd one out round." "Just one between you this week." "Your four are..." "President Xi Jinping, wrestler Joey Ryan, Father Christmas," " and Ainsley Harriott." " RING!" "They've all bought sections of British industry." "PAUL LAUGHS" "Except three of them(!" ")" "KIRSTY:" "They're all pretending to be people." "So Ainsley Harriott, of course, was stupidly put in place of Lenny Henry." " Mm-hm." " Who by?" " ITV!" " By an ITV reporter." "That's not the right answer." " Being mistaken..." " For the wrong person?" " On ITV?" "They've done it three times." "They thought Santa was the leader of the Labour Party." " OK." " It's about mistaken news reports." " The level of charity" " you have to give us is more or less the answer." " OK." "OK, they've all been the subject of mistakes in news reports this week." " Apart from?" " Santa?" " No." " The Chinese Prime Minister?" " No." " The guy in the trunks?" " He's the only one left!" " Yes!" " Yes!" "We got it!" "Well done!" " APPLAUSE" " There's only one left!" "I didn't think you'd get that, but well done, yes!" "They've all been the subject of mistakes in news reports this week, apart from wrestler Joey Ryan, who definitely did what the press reported he'd done." " OK, you haven't got film of that?" " Sounds pretty unbelievable." " We do have film of it." " Oh, yes!" " Ooh!" " A long night out there." "Let's have a look." "That's the best production of King Lear I've ever seen." "Too late to put him in for Sports Personality of the Year?" "The resignation of Chinese president Xi Jinping was mistakenly reported due to a typo this week." "The Chinese language is notoriously hard to navigate." "For instance, whenever George Osborne should be saying," ""Your human rights record stinks,"" "it comes out as, "Would you like to buy our country?"" "ITV News were forced to apologise after using footage of TV chef" "Ainsley Harriott in a news report about Lenny Henry receiving his knighthood." "Easy to make a mistake like that when you're not paying any attention." "So Lenny Henry's investiture by the Queen at Windsor went without a hitch, apart from one moment when they could just hear the muffled sound of Prince Philip shouting, "Why have you locked me in this cupboard?"" "Norwegian newspaper Aftenposten apologised this week for accidentally announcing the death of Father Christmas." "They blamed the blunder on..." "There was another Christmas-related error this week." "This is a homeowner who decorated their house with fake snow on their upstairs window to read "Let it snow."" "Unfortunately, when viewed from the front it reads simply" ""Tits now."" "Punctuation is so important!" "Time now for the missing words round, which this week features as its guest publication British Kebab, the magazine of the British kebab industry." "You're never quite sure what's in it." "And we start with..." "Istanbul." "Was this a big scandal story, was it the winner of best kebab outside of London was actually inside London?" "The answer is the winner of best kebab outside London was..." "At the same ceremony, Ali Dirik, winner of the prestigious chef of the year award, gave a moving acceptance speech which went as follows." "APPLAUSE" "Careful." "As a kebab chef, you should know what goes around comes around." "Next..." ""Are your goldfish sabotaging your country?" says Donald Trump." " Sabotaging your sex life." " Yes." "Sex life." " Yes?" " No." " That's good." "A bit revealing, though, Kirsty weighed in quite so fast." "What's going on in that house?" "Something you want to unburden yourself with?" "Come on, Kirsty, answer the question!" "The answer is..." "Next..." "The kebab." " Correct!" " Oh, no!" "Really?" "This is from British Kebab, and let's face it, Boris knows all about making rash decisions late at night that you'll regret in the morning." "Next..." " It's her arm." " It is!" "It's a sacrifice she made early on in the fashion industry because you look better if you just do this." "I have done a certain amount of modelling." "It's actually the riddle of Posh's missing right arm." "There she is." "That's going to be a bit sultry if you go out at nine o'clock, Ian," " if you keep doing that." " Oh, right, I won't smile then." "There is a simple explanation for all these pictures." "She's hiding a pie." "And finally..." "Pee upside down?" " Pee..." " Pee." " You're right about pee." "Pee before he goes and then wait for a couple of months." "Pee into his costume, his suit." "Costume?" "!" "The answer is..." "British astronaut Tim Peake heads to the International Space Station next week." "Before he goes he will do this ritual." "According to the Guardian..." "Although to be fair he himself was just following a tradition set by Laika, the Soviet space dog." "So the final scores are Paul and Andy have five points," "Ian and Kirsty have six points." "APPLAUSE" "Before we go, there's just time for the caption competition." "Oh, my God." "My varicose veins are killing me!" "Never mind, think of a caption." "And I'll leave you with news that in Carlisle there are signs that life is finally returning to normal after one cheery resident pops out to do some Christmas shopping on the high street." "In Zurich, investigators into the FIFA corruption scandal fear Sepp Blatter may have evaded the authorities after making use of an ingenious decoy." "And Nigel Farage proves he's still a force to be reckoned with after once again being the last man standing at the Ukip Christmas party." "Good night."