"You make man." "No." "Woman." "FRANKENSTEIN'S MONSTER:" "Woman." "[MUSIC" " OINGO BOINGO, "WEIRD SCIENCE"]" "THEME SONG:" "Weird science, ooo!" "Pictures from a magazine, diagrams and charts, mending broken hearts and making weird science." "Something like a recipe, bits and pieces, bits and pieces." "My creation, is it real?" "It's my creation, ooo, my creation." "It's my creation!" "No heart of gold-- just flesh and blood." "I do not know." "It's my creation, ooo, my creation." "It's my creation!" "From my heart and from my hand, why don't people understand?" "It's alive!" "Alive!" "[MOANING]" "My tongue is getting tired just watching those two." "MAN (ON TELEVISION):" "Why don't you head back to my cabin and put on something a little skimpier?" "I'll just hang out a minute and swipe some brewskis from the cabins of one of our missing counselors." "[RATTLING]" "Hey." "What was that noise?" "The wind blowing through the holes in the plot?" "Here we go." "The camera's shaky." "That means the killer is watching." "How do you know so much about slasher movies?" "They have their own set of rules." "For example, rule number eight." "Flashlight batteries always die at the worst possible moment." "This guy is beef jerky." "I thought you said you hadn't seen this movie." "Didn't have to." "I can predict anything that'll happen in a slasher flick." "Rule number six." "Characters with healthy sex drives are machete magnets." "Cool!" "[GRUNTING] [MOANING]" "I'll tell you, if I was in a slasher movie, there's no way the bad guy would come out on top." "Ooh, that sounds like fun." "Of course, he doesn't mean that literally." "Just once I wish I could go up against one of those stupid slashers" "[SIGH], Gary, shut up!" "and show 'em who's boss." "Well, three cheers for Aladdin." "Where are we?" "We're in the movie." "You wished it." "[THUD]" "[GRUNT] Oops." "Hmm." "Hmm." "OK." "You've had your joke, Lis." "Now, how about zapping us out of here?" "Sorry." "We can't leave until the movie's over." "[SCREAMING]" "Lisa, he's dead!" "Really dead!" "Come on, Wyatt." "It's not real." "Lighten up." "Yeah." "This could be fun." "This is your idea of fun?" "Being stalked by a homicidal, kill-crazy maniac?" "Relax, Wyatt." "I'm the world's greatest expert on horror films." "Nobody's getting slashed while I'm around." "Wow, big fish." "And what if you blow it?" "Then we're all dead." "Anybody for s'mores?" "It's queueing music." "Lis, don't open that door!" "[SCREAMS]" "[SCREAMING]" "It's Mittface!" "[SCREAMING]" "Run!" "Come on!" "[SNICK]" "Ah!" "My heel broke off." "Rule 12." "High heels always break when a homicidal maniac is chasing you." "But I wasn't wearing high heels when we zapped in." "Rule 11." "In these movies, women always wear high heels." "Less talk." "Let's move!" "He can't be far behind!" "We're going to be OK." "Look!" "Ranger station." "We're saved." "Great!" "Let's go!" "Hup!" "Not so fast." "Another rule." "Guys with guns and badges always die in the first 10 minutes." "MITTFACE: [SCREAM]" "Hey, this cabin looks just like the other one." "It's a low budget movie." "They just keep reusing the same cabin." "If you're so damn smart, figure out how to get us out of here." "I want" "GIRLS: [GIGGLING]" "I want" "Wow." "Your hair is so pretty." "Thanks." "I want to make sure we take full advantage of this fine new experience Lisa has given us." "Ooh." "Oh!" "Oh!" "Oo!" "Oo!" "Hee hee." "[KNOCKING]" "I love this movie." "Ah!" "It's in the bag!" "[SQUEALS] Go, go, go." "Hi, girls." "Hi." "I'm Brittany, and this is Tiffany." "Hi." "I'm Gary, and this is Wyatt, and that's Lisa." "I'm Brittany, and this is Tiffany." "No, wait." "I'm standing on the left." "I'm Tiffany." "Hi." "Oh, they're lovely." "You guys are cute." "You want to take a shower and make out?" "More than anything I can think of right now." "[DOOR OPENING]" "Hey, ladies." "Let's get it on." "Hi Rod." "Hi, guys." "Who wants to party?" "[BARKING IN UNISON]" "Sure." "We can go to the Indian burial grounds for a picnic." "I know." "Why don't we all go skinny dipping in Lake Death?" "It's really dark and secluded, with a lot of neat places where you can jump out and scare somebody." "Sure, baby." "It'll help take our minds off all the mysterious and grisly murders of the other camp counselors." "GIRLS:" "Cool." "What about our shower?" "Heh." "Sorry." "He's cuter." "Oh, man." "Dumped by a fictional character." "Leave it to me, lover boys." "I'll keep the morons busy." "Hey, fellas." "Better idea." "Let's go out in the woods and play tag." "Tag?" "That's for kids." "You've never played with me." "You're it." "Tag it is." "Let's go, guys!" "Yeah!" "[BARKING IN UNISON]" "GIRLS: [GIGGLING]" "WYATT:" "Oh." "Hi again. [GIGGLING]" "Hey, what's the movie?" "BOYS (ON TELEVISION): [BARKING IN UNISON] [SCREAMING]" "Who cares?" "All I could think about is you." "This sure is a nice house." "Thanks." "It's really all I can afford on a Colonel's salary." "I thought you were a major." "Major-Colonel." "It's a new rank we're trying out." "Mm." "So when are they shipping you out?" "[SIGH] Tomorrow." "06:00 AM." "I may not be coming back." "Border wars are nasty business." "Oh, that sounds horrible." "Where are they sending you?" "Canada. [SIGH]" "We're at war with Canada?" "Since when?" "It's a covert operation." "God, I shouldn't be telling you this." "I could lose my damn commission." "It's just that I feel like there's a connection here." "It's like, nobody knows me like you." "And I want us to get closer." "Oh, Billy." "[GIGGLES]" "MITTFACE: [HEAVY BREATHING]" "Would either of you guys like an erotic massage?" "OK." "GIRLS: [GIGGLING]" "Hold on, stallion." "I just remembered something very important." "Well, hurry up and tell me so we can go mess around with the girls." "OK." "We can't mess around with the girls." "You didn't just say that." "I just remembered." "Characters with active sex drives are" "Machete magnets." "Oh." "Ah." "Mm." "Mm." "You mean to tell me we're trapped in a cabin with two beautiful, scantily clad, totally willing girls, and we can't close the deal?" "I'm telling you, Wyatt." "Mittface is somewhere right outside on standby mode, waiting for us to break a rule." "So no sex?" "GIRLS:" "So how about it, guys?" "[GIGGLING]" "No sex?" "[WHIMPERS]" "[COYOTE HOWLING]" "Whew!" "You know, when you said we were going to play tag, we didn't think you meant actually playing tag." "I don't follow you." "Well, you know." "A babe like you, a stud like me." "I was thinking we could do a little parallel parking." "[LAUGHS] I'm sorry." "But you could only hear a line like that in a bad movie." "A babe like you and a stud like me," "I was thinking we could do a little parallel parking." "That's not a very soldierly way to talk." "Oh, that's just knowing that this time tomorrow, my bullet-riddled body could be staring up at that unforgiving" "Saskatchewan sunset." "My last thoughts would be of you, my precious Karen." "Sharon." "See?" "I don't know what I'm saying." "[CRIES] So?" "How about it?" "I'm hot." "[GRUNTS] Rule 17." "Window stripteases are fatal." "That looks fun!" "[GIGGLES] You can tackle me." "Brittany, no!" "[SCREAMING]" "[WINDOW BREAKING]" "OK." "We're not being clear." "We want to have sex." "Oh, go right ahead." "Um, no." "With you." "Oh." "You want me to watch?" "Maybe give you a little feedback?" "A few notes?" "OK." "Let's back up and start again." "[GRUNTS] [GRUNTS] [GRUNTS] That's out of the park." "Shoo!" "Shoo!" "Shoo!" "Wyatt!" "I need a better weapon!" "Uh!" "Get the chainsaw out of the closet!" "Why would there be a chainsaw in the closet?" "There's always a chainsaw in the closet!" "Groovy." "[SCREAMING]" "[CHAINSAW RUNNING]" "Aah!" "[SCREAMING]" "Ooh." "He won't be doing chin-ups any time soon." "Important safety lesson, girls." "The tops stay on." "One, two, three, break!" "OK." "This time we got it." "Me and my buddies here want you to get naked and roll around with all of us, also naked, and have lots of hot, noisy sex." "Please." "Oh, that is so sweet." "I just wish you'd thought of this before you got all sweaty playing tag." "But" "Tell you what." "Why don't you boys go grab a bar of Safeguard and go freshen up." "What do you say, guys?" "Quick skinny dip in Lake Death?" "[HOWLING IN UNISON]" "Do you think you could make that much noise all the way down to the lake?" "It really turns me on." "[HOWLING AND BARKING IN UNISON]" "But be careful." "Mittface might hear you." "[HEAVY BREATHING]" "It's OK." "You can tell me." "No." "You'll laugh." "Please." "It's too embarrassing." "[SOBBING]" "Shh." "Sh." "Sh." "It's OK." "I'm here for you, Billy." "I'm going to have to die tomorrow." "And I'm scared." "Scared of dying a virgin." "[GASP] No." "Oh, God." "I can't believe I said that out loud." "You must think I'm terrible." "I mean, I couldn't possibly ask you to" " I mean, sure it is a dying man's last request and all, but I wouldn't want to put you" "Shut up and kiss me, you was brave thing." "Okey dokey." "Mm." "[HAMMERING]" "[DOORKNOB RATTLING]" "[SCREAMING]" "Ah!" "[SCREAMING]" "Damn door was stuck." "Quick, close the door!" "We've got no idea where Mittface is." "[SCREAMING]" "Down by Lake Death, maybe?" "Good." "Now we've got time to slasher-proof this place." "Nobody's going to keep us from spending some quality time with Brit and Tiff." "Mm." "Mm." "Oh." "Mm." "[SQUEAKY NOISES]" "Come on." "We've got to do the kitchen windows." "Oh, the boys are gone." "Now we can't have sex." "This stinks." "You two are pathetic." "You spend the entire movie in bikinis for no apparent reason, and you can't remember which one of you is which." "You're a disgrace to your gender." "She's mean." "That's why I like boys." "OK, girls." "We need to talk." "[HAMMERING]" "[SIGH]." "OK." "This cabin is now hermetically sealed." "You guys sure?" "If anyone can keep Mittface out, I can." "I know my slasher history." ""Halloween," came right through the window." ""Evil Dead Two," the root cellar." ""Night of the Living Dead," crash, right through the front door." "What's with the TV?" "WYATT: "Poltergeist."" "Yup, we got 'em all." "Uh, what about "Silent Night, Deadly Night"?" "MITTFACE: [GROANING]" "Oh, no." "[SCREAMS]" "[SCREAMING]" "[GRUNTS]" "Wow." "Not bad." "Not bad at all." "Girls, I think we're ready for our erotic massages now." "No way." "We're self-actualized and independent, right, Lisa?" "Right, Brittany." "I'm Tiffany." "Oh, no." "You're right." "Lisa taught us about female pride." "We're better than all of this." "So we're going to go out and find ourselves some cute lawyers." "Bye." "[GIGGLING]" "WYATT:" "Thanks a lot." "Don't mention it." "[MOANING]" "[STATIC]" "Hey, do you guys hear that?" "It sounds like it's coming in from outside." "What is that stuff?" "Video static." "We're being taped over." "Taped over?" "Somebody must have hit record on the VCR." "But we're not in any danger, are we?" "Oh, no." "Not unless the static touches us." "Then we'll be wiped out forever." "[SCREAMING]" "Great." "So we're going to die because Chett had to tape "Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling" or something." "We're not going to die." "Lisa will just zap us out of here." "Right, Lis?" "Then she'll zap the VCR out of Record mode." "Right?" "What are you, on strike or something?" "As long as I'm a character in this movie," "I don't have any magic." "We're stuck in here until the movie ends." "But we already killed Mittface!" "That should end the movie!" "Why aren't we zapping out?" "Guys?" "What happened to Mittface?" "I can't believe I forgot." "Rule number one." "The killer never dies the first time around." "I'm such a Barnie." "We gotta find Mittface before we get erased." "Lotsa luck." "You don't find Mittface." "He finds you." "And we don't have a lot of time." "I know." "We'll have sex." "Don't you ever give up?" "No means no." "No, wait, wait, wait." "I think I see what he's going for." "Characters with active sex drives are machete magnets, right?" "Think of it as bait." "All we have to do is make out, and Mittface will be in here to kill us before you know it." "Congratulations, a pick up line I haven't heard." "So what do you say?" "I think it's a great idea." "[DOOR OPENING]" "I'll hide behind the door, knock his brains out before he has time to interrupt you two." "Huh?" "Uh, but I don't think we'd work as bait." "It's got to be a boy-girl thing." "Oh." "OK." "You're on brain detail." "How come Wyatt gets to be the bait?" "Do you really want the answer to that?" "Maybe it's because I'm a gentleman." "[SCOFFS]" "[GRUNTS]" "Fine." "Suck face already." "We've got a slasher to whack." "Slow down there, Wyatt." "You'll chip a tooth." "That's good acting, guys." "Really looks like you're having fun." "Lis, if he's bothering you, grunt twice." "So where is that damn slasher?" "What's the matter?" "I almost had it unhooked." "Billy, this is wrong." "Wrong?" "When I first met you in that club," "I thought we'd share nothing more than a night of hot, cheap, acrobatic lust." "And that would have been fine." "Would have?" "Oh, don't you see, soldier boy?" "You've made me fall in love with you." "I can't stay here tonight knowing" "I may never see you again." "But I" "If only you had been like the other guys I date, unemployed slugs leeching off their parents, we would have had the best sex ever." "[SQUEAKING NOISE]" "It's no use." "I've got to leave." "And Billy, don't be a hero." "[CRYING]" "[DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING]" "MITTFACE: [SCREAMS]" "LISA:" "Let's get out of here." "It's too close." "We're stuck." "We're dead!" "I can't believe you dropped it." "We were doing our part!" "Don't remind me, tongue boy!" "[SCREAMS]" "LISA: [SCREAMS]" "Would you look at that?" "He's stuck." "He can't reach us!" "Yeah, but that can!" "That's it." "He's gone for good." "The movie's over." "So when do we zap out of here?" "Are you sure you're not forgetting another rule or something?" "No." "Mittface is gone." "We played this one by the numbers." "The movie's over." "There's nothing left." "Except the stupid credits." "Maybe they'll be real short." "[SCREAMING]" "Huh?" "Where are we?" "I'm not sure." "I guess we got dumped into whatever show is taking over the slasher flick." "Could you be a little more specific?" "Look at my outfit." "Do you see room for a "TV Guide"?" "Uh, Gar." "I just remembered what's on cable tonight." "[LOUD THUMPING]" "Rule number one." "Their vision is based on motion." "[DINOSAUR SHRIEKING]" "[MUSIC" " OINGO BOINGO, "WEIRD SCIENCE"]" "THEME SONG:" "Weird science." "Fantasy and microchips, shooting from the hip, something different, we're making weird science." "Ooo!" "Pictures from a magazine, bits and pieces, bits and pieces." "My creation, is it real?" "It's my creation!" "I do not know." "It's my creation!" "From my heart and from my hand, why don't people understand my intentions?" "[MUSIC PLAYING]" "[MUSIC PLAYING]"