"to a dreadful dynasty of vicious vampire ducks." "The Counts of Duckula!" "Legend has it that these fowl beings can be destroyed... by a stake through the heart or exposure to sunlight." "This does not suffice, however... for they may be brought back to life... by means of a sacred rite... that can be performed once a century... when the moon is in the eighth house of Aquarius!" " Batswing blood." " I'll get it!" "The latest reincarnation did not run according to plan." "Ooh!" "In the heart of Transylvania" "In the Vampire Hall of Fame, yeah" "There's not a vampire zanier than" "Duckula" "He won't bite beast or man" "'Cause he's a vegetarian" "And things never run to plan for" "Duckula" "If you're lookin' for some fun" "You can always count upon" "The wild and wacky one they call" "Duckula" "Heh heh!" "Count Duckula!" "Heh heh heh!" "These are the Transylvanian Alps... home of many evil and horrifying creatures... and there are no more evil and horrifying creatures... than those who inhabit this dark and dismal castle... the castle known only as Castle Duckula." "Even now, some evil and horrifying creature... is stirring in the depths of the castle... something whose screams are shaking the Transylvanian peak... on which the castle stands." "Get off me!" "Let me go!" "That stupid, idiotic thing!" "Oh, Duckypoos, whatever's the matter?" "Look, I've got stuck to my model of the Titanic." "The glue sort of got a bit out of hand." "Well, got a bit sort of under hand, really." "Oh, now, don't you worry about that." "Nanny'll soon have you unstuck." "No, Nanny, not like that." "See, you'Il..." "That's sore, Nanny." "Oh, dear." "I wonder if I..." "No, well... well, then, maybe if I..." "Oh, dear." "Yes, Nanny." "Oh, dear." "Now you're stuck to me, see?" "Yes." "Well, if I was to..." "Oh, I'll get it!" "No!" "No, Nanny!" "Nanny!" "Please." "No, Nanny, not the..." "Can't you go and do..." " Oh, Igor!" "Igor?" " Milord?" "Order a new front door, would you?" "At once, milord." "Oh, now, how did that happen?" "Yeah, I wonder." "How?" "Yes?" "Post." "Now, what have we got here?" "Bills, bills, bills, bills." "Oh, wow, that's a bill." "Bill." "What's this?" "A letter!" "Boy, a real live letter." "I wonder who it's from." "Milord could always open it and find out." ""Milord could always open it and find out."" "Yes, yes, thank you, Igor." "I'd thought of that." ""Dear Nephew, as you will..."" "Nephew?" "I didn't know I was anybody's nephew." "Oh, well." ""Dear nephew, as you will no doubt be aware..." ""the family reunion takes place once every 100 years..." ""on All Hallow's E'en."" "No, wrong." "I was not aware." ""You will be pleased to know that this century..." ""it is the turn of Castle Duckula..." ""to play host to this momentous, evil, and fiendish occasion."" "Wrong again." ""We all look forward to seeing you on the 31st." ""All the worst, your loving uncle Vlad."" " What the..." " Oh, joy!" "Oh, felicity!" "Oh, they're coming, too, huh?" "Oh, rapture!" "And him." "Igor, Igor." "What's up, Igor?" "The family reunion, milord." "The whole family will arrive at Castle Duckula... for a festival of evildoing and wickedness... on the 31st, milord." "What?" "The 31st?" "Is this some kind of joke, Igor?" "This will be my eighth reunion, you know." "Oh, how I'm looking forward to it." "Well, you'll just have to start looking backwards to it, Igor... because I'm not having a bunch of bloodthirsty vampires... coming up here." "There will be blood-tasting competitions." "Blood-tasting?" "No, no, there won't." "I shall have to see that the village is well stocked..." " with village maidens, of course." " Igor." "I wonder if they'll be bringing their own coffins." "Igor." "Maybe we should borrow a few, just in case." "Igor!" "Then, of course, we'll need plenty of..." " Igor!" " Milord?" "That's enough, Igor." "This has gone quite far enough." "There will be no blood-tasting." "You will not need to borrow any coffins." "There is no need to do a census of village maidens... because there is going to be no family reunion." "Not in my castle, there isn't." "And that, Igor, is that." "Subject closed, end of chapter." "That is my last word, period." "I'll hear no more about it... for that is the end of the matter." "Now, you'll just have to write to these relatives... whoever they are... and tell them that the party's off for this whole century!" "Perhaps milord has forgotten that today is the 30th." "It is?" "They'll be on their way already, milord." " They will?" " Yes, milord." "Oh, no." "And if I may offer milord a small piece of advice?" "What's that, Igor?" "If milord's relatives were to discover milord was a vegetarian milord." "This is terrible." "This is the end." "This is disaster." "Disaster!" "Doom, debacle and drat it all!" "Why me?" "Why?" "Good." "Good color." "Nose..." "Audacious, not to say impetuous little nose." "And... yes, I'd say..." "Yugoslavian?" "Oh, very good, sir." "Yes, Yugoslavian." "Yugoslavian... peasant girl?" "No, no, no, no." "I tell a lie." "Barmaid." "Well done!" "Well done indeed, sir." "Barmaid about twenty..." "twenty-two... from..." "let me see... from Karlobag?" "Oh, no, no, no, of course not." "She's from Slunj." "That's right..." "Slunj." "Right?" "Absolutely correct, sir." "Oh, Vlad, you are an old show-off." "He's an old show-off, my Vlad." "Hello, hello, hello." "Look who's here, then." "Oh." "Come here and let's have a look at you." "Oh, hasn't he grown?" "How do you do?" "Look at him." "Oh, look at him." "The image of his father." "Isn't he the image of his father, Vlad?" "He is, Lucrezia, he is that." "Of course, don't forget he was his father." "Yes." "Now come here and give your Auntie Lucrezia a big kiss." "Well I... that is..." "Oh, come off it, Lucrezia." "He's too big a lad to be going 'round kissing folk, isn't he?" " Aren't you, son?" " Yes." "I mean..." "Of course he's not." "I'm pleased to make..." "Oh, my teeth." "Pleased to make your acquaintance." "Oh, isn't that sweet?" "Pleased to make your acquaintance indeed." "There's no need for that." ""Hello, Auntie" is good enough for me." "Now, come on, Igor." "Give the lad a glass of blood... and we'll drink a toast to the family." "Blood!" "Me?" "You've got to be..." "I mean... that is... no, thanks." "Not for me." "Just had one." "Two, actually." "Well, three, I mean." "Full up to the back teeth." "They're awash." "Couldn't manage another drop." "Oh, nonsense, nonsense." "Growing lad like you?" " Come on, Igor." " There you are, milord... a nice full glass of Bulgarian office temp." "Oh, thank you, Igor." "Thank you so very much." "Brothers and sisters, cousins, nephews and nieces... please charge your glasses." "I give you the family motto..." "Per ardua ad sanguina." "Whoops." "Oh, butter-fingers!" "Dear, oh, dear, oh, dear." "What a waste of perfectly good blood." "Still, never mind." "No use crying over spilt blood, eh?" "No, no, no, of course not." "Give him another one, Igor." "With pleasure, sir." " Master Duckula?" " Where's he got to, then?" "Yes, where is he?" "Funny lad." "Anyone would think he didn't like the taste of blood... the way he was carrying on." "Indeed, sir." "Indeed." "This is crazy." "This is..." "This is terrible." "The castle's full of blood-crazed fiends." "What am I gonna do?" "What am I gona do when they find out I'm a vegetarian?" "Oh, it's..." "All I need now is for Von Goosewing to arrive... with his vampire zapper and start taking potshots at me... and bang!" "That's the end of a perfect day." "I've got to get out of here." "I've got to..." "Now, wait a minute." "Von Goosewing!" "No, no." "No, I must be going crazy." "I mean, that would never work." "Oh, what the heck." "What have I got to lose?" "You know, Dimitri... my uncle Boris had to retire from the building business." "Your uncle Boris had to retire from the building business?" " I said that, too." " I know you said that." "Why did your uncle Boris have to... you know." "He was getting plastered, so he threw in the trowel!" "Threw in the trowel!" "Pretty good, huh?" "Wonderful!" "Come inside, and I'll show you plastering." "Ouch!" "Und here, a little drop of chlorinohydroxide." "A touch of sulfogenoxynitrosite." "Und a spoonful of triheliophosphate und..." "Just as I suspected." "Too much triheliophosphate... und not enough calciophrenocostulate." "Heinrich!" "Some more calciophrenocostulate, if you please." "Heinrich!" "Ah, good." "Now we're getting someplace." " Just put it down over there." " Put what where?" "The calciophrenocostulate, you dummkopf." "What I asked you for." "The calciophreno..." "You're not Heinrich." "Not when I last looked in the mirror." "Mind you, when I last looked in the mirror..." "I could have been anybody." "Then who are you?" "Me?" "L..." "I, sir, am Dr. Ludwig Van Duckelhosen... vampire hunter to the crowned heads of Europe." "Wam... wam..." "Did you say wampire hunter?" "I did indeed, sir." "But this is incredible!" "I too am a wampire hunter." "Yeah, I know this, sir." "I have not spent the last five days trying to find you... without knowing who you are." "Your fame travels far." "My fame?" "Indeed." "Are you not Dr. Von Goosewing... greatest wampire hunter in the world?" "I am he." "But... but..." " Why am I here?" " That's right." "I have come to seek your assistance... in a wenture so dangerous, so perilous... as to defy description." "What, please, is it that you are meaning, please?" "You have heard of Castle Duckula?" "Don't say that to me!" "What?" "Castle Duckula?" " Yes!" "Don't say that!" " I'm sorry." "You're welcome." "Yes, I've heard of it." "What about it?" "Well, even as we speak, a vamp... a wampire convention is taking place there." " A wampire convention?" " Yes!" " You mean..." " Yes!" " A convention of wampires?" " Yes." "Then there is not a moment to lose." "Yes." "I mean, no." "Und we will be needing... mine Dr. Von Goosewing patent wide-beam... multiple wampire exterminatorer." "Exactly." "Then let's go." "Yes." "Forward." "Forward to Castle Duckula." " Pardon me?" " You're welcome." "Oh, good." "There it is." "So, that's Castle Du..." "Oh, nearly did it again." "That castle is home to the most cunningest... und most cleverest being known to mankind." "Oh, really, you flatter me." "I mean... oh, yes, clever." "Very clever." "Very, very, very." "Very, very, very clever indeed." "Clever is the word for him, all right... and handsome, too, I've heard." "Igor?" "Handsome?" "Who said anything about Igor?" "I was talking about the count." "Well, to get to the count, you must first get past Igor." " So remember." " What?" "Remember to beware of Igor." "Yes, I'll beware." "I'll be very ware indeed." "Good." "Now, here is mine Dr. Von Goosewing patent... wide-beam multiple exterminatorer." "Follow me... absolutely und completely quiet." "Yes..." "Absolute silence." "Yes, but don't you think you should've waited till we landed?" "Whoops-a-daisy." "Oh, dear." "Oh, dear." "Hello?" "Someone is coming." "Yeah, don't worry." "It's only..." "I mean, yes, quick, hide." "Behind the door." "When they come in... we can zap them to smithereens!" " Yes, I know." "But it's only..." " Quickly." "Oh, funny." "I was sure I heard something." "Oh, well." "If at first you don't succeed..." "Hello, mine little beauty." "Hello." "I mean, what's that?" "This is mine Dr. Von Goosewing patent... essence of garlic spray dispenserer." " Essence of..." " That's right." "As you know, if there's one thing a wampire hates, it's garlic." "Well, speaking as a vegetarian..." "I mean, absolutely, completely." "Quite." "I couldn't agree more." "And come on." "What are we waiting for?" " Onwards to Castle Du..." " Please!" " Pardon me?" " Granted." "There it is again." "Yep." "Thar she blows." "It sends a chill through your bones... to hear a wampire wailing like that." "No, don't be ridiculous." "That's Nan..." "Nan..." "Nan..." "Nan..." "Now you come to mention it... right through my..." "Oh, now, how did that happen?" "What have you done now, Nanny?" "I was just dusting the piano, Mr. Igor... and it sort of slipped through my fingers." "Oh, Nanny, Nanny." "Well, there's only one thing for it." " There is?" " Ja." "We shall just have to use sheer, brute force!" "What?" "You mean..." "That's right." "The old stake und hammer routine." "Here!" "Stake and hammer?" "But of course." "Surely you of all people must realize... that the only sure-fire way to completely destroy a wampire... is by hammering a sharpened wooden stake through his heart." "Well, yes, but I..." "I mean, look, there's a whole castle full of them up there... and at the last count, there was only two of us." "Let me see... yes." "One, two." "See?" "I was right." "There may be only two of us... but on our side we have the force of goodness... virtue, rectitude, and justice!" "Sheesh, what a ham!" "I mean, yes." "Yes, onwards." "You never know, we might just scare them away." "Ah, there you are, milord." "Igor!" "It is Igor!" "For Pete's sake, Igor, you nearly made me jump out of my..." "I mean..." "I mean, who are you, and what do you want?" "Oh, come, come, milord." "I might very well ask you the same questions... wearing that ridiculous disguise and carrying a..." "Oh!" "Stake and hammer?" "Yes, yes." "Igor, you want to give the game away?" "And furthermore, milord, what, may I ask, are you doing... in the company of that wretched person?" "What is this?" "What is going on around here?" "You two know each other?" "You know Igor?" "He should do." "I have been in his family's employ... for the last 800 years, give or take a decade or so." "You mean he... you... he is... you are Duckula?" "!" "Oh, what's the use?" "Yes, I am Count Duckula." "You fiend!" "You monster!" "You... you..." "There you are, you bad boy." "Nanny's been so worried about you." "Where have you been?" "Cheek box." "You little sauce boat." "Götterdammerüng und Lohengrin!" "Who's your little friend, then, eh?" "Look!" "Look what you have done to mine stake." "You haven't heard the last of this, you monster." "No, I'm sure I haven't." " I shall return." " Yes, yes." "Dr. Von Goosewing... greatest wampire hunter in the world, will be back!" "OK, have it your own way." "You'll be back." "Oh, well, I suppose I'd better face the music." "Where are they, Igor?" "To whom is milord referring?" ""To whom is milord referring?"" "My rotten relatives, that's to whom I'm referring to whom!" "Uncle Vlad and Auntie Lucrezia, remember?" "Family reunion, etc., etc., etc." "They have departed, milord." "Depart... depart... departed?" "They have?" "They have?" "Wahoo!" "Whoopee!" "Free as a bird." "Oh, well, free as a duck, anyway." "When did they go?" "The very night of your lordship's departure." "The very night of..." "You mean I wasted all that time and energy... with that crazy old coot, when I..." "I..." "Oh, never mind." "It doesn't matter now they've gone." "That's the important thing." "So, why did they leave, huh?" "I said, milord, that you were on occasions stricken... with an hereditary infirmity, a malady that confined you... to a bed of sickness for a week or so." "Brilliant, Igor!" "I could kiss you." "Well, no, perhaps not." "So your relatives very reasonably agreed... to postpone the reunion for seven days." "Well, that was very sporting of them." "They... you mean..." "I think that'll be your kinsfolk arriving now, milord." "Oh, no." "No!" " Igor?" " Milord?" "Once more, as we leave this place... of desolation and despair... we hear screams of anguish and horror... rise in the Transylvanian night." "Once more those screams echo 'round the Transylvanian Alpine peaks." "And once more we say good night out there... whatever you are." "If you're feeling..." "Or you're kind of..." "Could be you've met up with" "Duckula" "If your knees go..." "And your teeth go..." "Maybe you've bumped into" "Duckula" "He flies through the night" "Looking for a bite" "But he's back home by daylight" "Duckula" "If you're sort of..." "Or you're a little..." "It's certain you've run into" "Duckula" "If your heart goes..." "Or your mind goes..." "Man, you had a brush with" "Duckula" "So watch out for the..." "Beware of the..." "And pray you'll never meet with" "Duckula" "Count Duckula"