"I deliver perfection..." "and don't brag about it!" ":" "D" "Phoebe." "Check out that guy by the window." "Wow!" "He's awfully short." "And I think he's talking to himself." "And to be honest, he's not that good in bed." "Really?" "What is wrong with me lately?" "It's, like, every guy I see." "That guy, for example." "Normally that's not someone I'd be attracted to." "But right now, with the way I'm feeling all I wanna do is rip off his sweatpants and fanny pack." "Wait!" "This is about the fourth month of your pregnancy." "This is normal." "Your hormones start going crazy." " Really?" "This happened to you?" " Absolutely!" "And I was carrying triplets." "So in medical terms, I was thrice as randy." "This explains so much." "Last weekend, I went from store to store, sitting on Santas' laps." "Yeah, I remember trying to steal a cardboard cutout of Evander Holyfield." "I go see my doctor tomorrow." "Maybe she can give me a pill or something." "Yeah, that's what you need." "A good pill." "Oh, no!" "Short Crazy Guy recognizes me." "Worst mistake of my life." "Call me." "The One With Ross' Step Forward a.k.a. The One With Ross's Step Forward" "Hi." "Look, I got our pictures developed." "Great." "Joey, wanna check out pictures of us ice-skating?" "Ordinarily I would love to, but I am just swamped right now." "Where are the ones that creepy pretzel vendor took?" "Probably at the end." "Oh, my God!" "All he took were pictures of my breasts!" "I'm missing picture time?" "You know, she has a face, Ross." "I didn't even know my camera had a zoom lens." "Comma, officer." " Okay, here's a good one of us." " That is a good one." "It looks like a holiday card, with the tree and the skaters and the snow." "Good job, pretzel pervert!" "Every year I say I'll send cards." "I never do." "Do you wanna send this one out together?" "Together?" "Like, to people?" "Yeah, "Happy Holidays, from Mona and Ross." It'll be cute." "Okay." " I gotta get to work." "Call me later?" " Sure." " Bye, guys." " Bye." "Congratulations!" "You just got married!" "Can you believe that?" "What's the big deal about a holiday card?" "Married couples and families send out cards." "People who've been dating a few months don't send out cards." "Is she crazy?" "That's your wife you're talking about!" "That would be a huge step forward." "I like things just the way they are." "I'm in a relationship that's not moving too fast." "Ordinarily I'd be divorced by now." "So just tell her." "What's she gonna do?" "This: "Oh, okay." "I didn't mean to put pressure on you."" ""I thought it'd be something fun for us to do together."" ""But okay." "That's okay."" "Okay, stop, you're right." "It's not that big a deal." "I'll do the card." " What?" "I said I'd do it." " I know." "It's just..." "Can I have $20?" " Hi, you ready for lunch?" " One second." "Bing!" "And the Bingette!" "I thought it felt a little hotter in the office." " Honey, you remember my boss, Doug." " Yes." "Good news, the divorce is final." "I signed the papers." "Oh, I didn't know." "I'm sorry." "Sorry?" "Finally chewed my leg out of that bear trap." " Congratulations to you guys." " No leg-chewing for us." "Well, give it time." "The divorce, the marriage, we got a lot to celebrate." "How about dinner tomorrow night?" "I can't think of anything we're doing." " Why can't I think of anything?" " I should be out of court by 6." "They keep throwing sexual harassment cases at me, and I knock them out!" "Okay, see you tomorrow." "We're not seeing him tomorrow." "Once you get to know him, he's worse." "I can't do this alone." "I cannot spend another evening with that man." "Remember how he behaved at our wedding?" "He wasn't invited because he misbehaved at our engagement party." "Oh, yeah." "Urine cuts right through an ice sculpture, doesn't it?" "Oh, what the hell, B+." "I went by the photo shop." "Here is a mockup of our card." "What do you think?" "Wow, great." "Do you think it should say, "Love, Ross and Mona"?" "Well, we haven't said that to each other yet but I guess it's okay to say it to others." " How many did you want?" "I'll get 100." " A hundred?" "Well, I guess I'll take..." "Mona?" "I'm not sure about the whole card thing." " Really?" "Why not?" " Sending out a holiday card together?" "I just don't know if we're really quite there yet." "I didn't think of it that way." "You're right." "You're right." "So can I ask you a question?" "Where are we?" "You know, where are we?" "Where is this relationship going?" "I love spending time with you." "I hope we're moving forward." "We should talk about that, don't you think?" "Let's do the card!" " What?" " The card!" "I think we're there!" "But I still think we should have this conversation." "Really?" "I mean, even with the card?" "Dr. Long can't be here today, so Dr. Schiff will be seeing you." "Okay." "Can I ask you a question?" "Was it me, or was the guy who took my blood sample really cute?" "You know who I'm talking about?" "Bowl haircut, hairy fingers?" "Never mind." "I answered my own question." " Hi, Rachel?" "I'm Dr. Schiff." " Yes, you are." " Hey, now, he's cute, right?" " God, yes." "So how's it going?" "Really good." "But enough about me!" "Come on." "Where are you from?" "What do you do?" " I'm a doctor." " Right." "I meant in your spare time." "Do you cook?" "Ski?" "Or hang out with your wife or girlfriend?" "I don't have a wife or girlfriend, but I do ski." "I love to ski!" "How amazing is this?" " Are you experiencing any discomfort?" " I'm very comfortable." " Any painful gas?" " No!" "Dr. Schiff!" "What kind of question is that?" "Would you like to lie down on the table?" "Would you like me to lie down?" " Is there something going on here?" " Do you feel it too?" "How did your doctor's appointment go?" "Let's see, they gave me "cute boy" doctor today." "In the middle of the exam I put my pinkie in his chin dimple." " Oh, my God!" " Why did you do that?" "Remember that problem I had during my fourth month?" "Oh, yeah, the Evander Holyfield phase." "You were so hard up, you practically came on to me." "You wish!" "I could've had you if I wanted you." "Oh, yeah?" "Come and get it." "Okay, even this is turning me on." "You guys, I got problems." "Hey, Ross." "How's it going with you and Mona?" "You guys still together?" "Yeah, we're moving forward." "You'll be getting our card." "You're doing a holiday card together?" "She also wants to talk about where the relationship is going." "Oh, women!" "Why do you guys need to have this conversation?" "No man would ask a woman, "So where is this going?"" "Ross, you asked me that." "Hey, you were a closed book, okay?" "I'm not a mind reader!" "Where is this relationship going?" "I don't know." "I really like her." "I wanna keep dating her." " So tell her that." " No, I can't." "She'll say, "If it's not moving anywhere, let's break up."" " Yes, true." " Right." "Besides, I hate those conversations." "I'm horrible at them, really." "Maybe I need a gesture that says we're moving forward without talking." " Like asking her to move in with you?" " Smaller than that." " Making her a mix tape?" " Bigger than that." " Give her a key to your apartment." " Whoa, we were closer with the tape." "You could say "I love you"." "I don't think I'm quite there yet." "But I could say, "I love spending time with you."" " We hate that." " Slap in the face." "Forget it." "You know what?" "I'll just have the conversation." "I'll just say, "I like things the way they are", and hope for the best." "What do you think, Rach?" "I think if it was a little colder in here I could see your nipples through that sweater." "Bing, we're all set for tonight. 8:00." " We can't do it." "Monica has to work." " My ex-wife didn't work." "Unless you call turning into her mother "work"." "Fine." "Tomorrow night, then." " Tomorrow's no good for her, either." " Why not?" "It's the semifinals of her bocce ball tournament." "The night after that, then." "That's the finals." "I think she's gonna go all the way, sir." "What's going on, Bing?" "Does your wife have a problem with me or something?" "Now you're just talking crazy." "Then why can't the three of us go out?" "Because we split up." "Monica and I split up." "Hold me." "Good God." "Well, I can't say I'm altogether surprised." "I saw the way she looked at you, and there was no love there." "And the way she looked at me, pure lust." "What would help me through this is choking someone." "Can I choke you?" "I know what it's like to give a woman all your love and have it thrown back in your face." "And then the court decides to give you custody of those fat twins." "Well, they're lucky to have you." "Bing, my boy, we're gonna get you over this." "Here's the plan:" "We're going to a strip club!" "Oh, no, Monica would freak." "But to hell with that bitch!" "Here we go." "Mona, it's time we had a conversation about where things are with us." "Yeah, I think I suggested that." "We are so..." "So, well, I really like you." "And I love, you know, hanging out with you." "And I'm having a lot of fun." "Okay." "There's no point in spending time with someone if it's just fun." "It's gotta be going somewhere, right?" "So where is it going?" "That's the real question." "And the answer is it's going somewhere fun." "I know what you're thinking." "Fun was fine for you 10 years ago." "But you're not getting any younger." "No, I mean, not you." "Not you." "You are getting younger!" "You're getting younger by the second." "What's your secret?" "I'm sorry, so where are we?" "Well, to sum up:" "We're having fun." "You look young." " Okay..." " But that's not enough." "So, here's the key to my apartment." " Really?" " Really." "You don't think this is too fast?" "You gave her a key to your apartment?" "Not just a key, I gave her the only key!" "I am now a homeless person in a very serious relationship." " Why did you give her a key?" " She talked me into a corner!" "She's like this conversational wizard!" "So you had the conversation you didn't wanna have and made the gesture you didn't wanna make." "Did I start by saying, "I did something awesome today"?" "Do you have a key to my place?" " You've never given us keys." " Why would I?" "It's my home!" " Ross, how'd the conversation go?" " Great." "I live on the street." "Where?" "Monica, Rachel, this is my friend Roger." "Hi, Roger." "I'll get us some drinks." "Could you help me?" "Yeah, okay." "He's here to have sex with you." " What?" " You're welcome." "Phoebe, no!" "It's okay." "He's a virgin." "I was talking to this guy, and I think he'll have sex with you." "Let's leave these two alone." "I don't care about my hormones." "I won't do it with some random guy!" "Fine!" "Then you tell Roger." "He was really looking forward to this!" "Bing, look at those twin sisters dancing together." "Let me buy you a lap dance with those girls." "That's all right, sir." "And that's just one girl." "Bing, what's this?" "A hand." "You use it as a Jack and Coke holder." "It's a wedding ring." "Get rid of it." "We'll throw it in the East River!" " No!" " Yeah!" "I did, and I felt a lot better!" "You might hit a seagull in the head." "Okay." "I'm gonna need a bunch of extra keys." "Apparently, I give them away for no reason at all." "Ross, what's going on?" "You changing the lock?" "No." "That guy is." "You give me a key to your apartment and then you change the lock?" "Good luck, buddy." "I thought we were moving forward." "Now you're sending me mixed signals." "What are you trying to tell me?" "I'm trying to tell you I made you a mix tape." " What?" " I love you." "And I love spending time with you." " Hi, honey, I'm home." " From the tequila factory?" "To get out of dinner with Doug, I told him you and I split up." "So he took me to these strip clubs." "When I wouldn't give him my wedding ring, he threw a can at a bird." "Come here." "I can breathe through my mouth." "The worst part was, I saw what my life would be like without you." "It's like "It's a Wonderful Life" with lap dances." "Promise me that you'll never leave me that we'll grow old together, and always be with each other." "I promise." "How about we send out a holiday card this year?" "I don't know if we're there yet." "I'd like to order a pizza." "Can I ask you a question?" "Is the cute blond guy delivering tonight?" "Very "Abercrombie  Fitch"." " I'll call you back." " Who was that?" " Just the pizza place." " You hung up on the pizza place?" "I don't hang up on your friends." " Sorry, I'm having a rough day." " What's wrong?" " You don't wanna hear about it." " Then why did I ask?" "This is really embarrassing." "Lately with this pregnancy thing I'm just finding myself..." "How do I put this?" "Erotically charged." "Is that college talk for "horny"?" "Yeah." "I have all of these feelings, and I don't know what to do." "I can't date like a normal person, which is fine." "All I really want is one great night." "Just sex." "No strings attached." "No relationship." "With someone I feel comfortable with and who knows what he's doing." "For just one great night." "I mean, is that really so hard to find?" "So how was your day?" "Good." "I saw a pretty big pigeon." "I gotta get up early, and it's almost 7:00." " I gotta go to my room." " Good night." "Good night!" " I can't do it!" " I didn't ask you to!" " You're Rachel!" " You're Joey!" " You're my friend!" " Right back at you." "Plus, it would be wrong, and weird and bad!" "So bad!" "But I didn't ask you to do anything!" "I know!" " You wanna do it?" " No!" " Just testing!" " That's the end of this!" " This never happened!" " Never happened!" "Good night!" "Get back in there!" "Hi." "Listen, I'm sorry about that whole thing with Roger." "It wasn't right, and I wanna make it up to you." "So I brought you something I think you'll really enjoy." "Okay." "Now, this is just a loan, okay?" "I'm gonna want him back." "I'm gonna go now." "I thought I could do it, and I can't." "Subtitles by SDI Media Group"