"##[BigBand]" "# There is an airabout her #" "# Somethin'so square about her #" "# That makes you care about her #" "# More than you should#" "# First that funny feelin' Then the warm comes on #" "# That dull, familiar lull before the storm comes on #" "# The inconceivable becomes achievable #" "# It's unbelievable what you can do #" "# When that funny feelin ' touches you #" "# And she has got that funny feelin ' too #" "# That funny feelin ' that puts such demands on you #" "# Better never let her get her hands on you #" "# The inconceivable becomes achievable #" "# It's unbelievable what you can do #" "# Once that funny feelin ' touches you #" "# And she has got that funny feelin ' too ##" "[ Narrator] Our solar system is composed ofnine planets, 3 1 moons, thousands ofminor planets, scores ofcomets and millions ofmeteors." "Each ofthese heavenly bodies moves in its orbit... quietly, majestically, without incident." "This is the planet Earth." "Its occupants also move in a daily orbit, but unlike nature, their course is not quite so regular, so quiet, so majestic." "[ Steam Whistles Blowi ng ]" "[ Shrieki ng ] Wel l!" "I 'm so sorry." "Please forgive me." "Are you all right?" "You might watch where you're walking." "Absolutely stupid of me." "Please forgive me." "Send me a bill for cleaning the dress, huh?" "Can I getyou a cab?" "No!" "Areyou sure you're all right?" "I will be just fine." "Never mind." "But" "It's a good thing I wasn't bending' over fixin' a run in my stocking, ain't it?" "I'm sorry, Officer." "My eyes were on that girl." "Well,just screw 'em back in your head and keep movin'." "Yes, sir." "[ Barks ] [ Shrieks ] Hey!" "That wasn't very nice." "And how comeyou got such a slob for a roommate?" "Look at this place." "Yes." "Clara?" "Joan Howell." "Any calls?" "Oh?" "Tomorrow night?" "Auditioning forwhat?" "Japanese governess?" "Oh, well." "I had sukiyaki once." "Yeah." "Okay." "Bye-bye." "Honorable master." "Please forgive unworthy governess... for unhappy news." "Honorable son refuse depart television... for honorable bath." "[ Scoffs ] Everybody's a critic." "Morning." "Hello, honey." "Good morning, Mr. Milford." "Mr. Granson has been looking foryou." "I'm thrilled." "And a Miss Stevens has been calling." "Do me a favor and ring my apartment, will you?" "Miss Stevens was wondering ifyou'd found a contact lens-- in your bedroom." "Well, don't look at me that way." "I can't help it if Miss Stevens happens to have long eyeballs." "Hello." "Mr. Milford here." "I was" " What's that?" "[Japanese Accent ] I say hello Mr. Milford-san." "Uh, yeah." "Listen, I forgot to take the dog for a walk this morning." "Would you be so kind as to take him around the block for me?" "Once should be enough." "My pleasure, Mr. Milford-san." "Good-bye." "[Japanese Accent ] Thankyou very much, Miss Honey." "Good morning, Harv." "Boy, we sure missed you at the party last night." "It was a beaut." "I didn't finish with mywife's lawyers 'til after midnight." "You and Leona still can't agree on a settlement?" "She wants to split everything down the middle, including my head." "She can't split what she can't find, can she?" "Now I'm not proud ofthat maneuver." "I'm an honest man." "Here I am hiding my art collection with you, my boats in my brother's dock in Florida." "My securities are in a bank in Geneva." "I've got more locations than the AP!" "Well, you're the guy that wanted to get married." "I told you:" "Take up something like parachute jumping or alligatorwrestling." "All right, all right." "Look, I'm due out in Los Angeles on that movie deal." "We're gonna novelize theirfeatures." "I'd likeyou to go out there for me." "Figure on about 1 0 days." "Sure." "Here's some correspondence and contracts." "I'll talk toyou about it in the morning beforeyou take off." "In the morning?" "Yeah, in the morning." "What's the problem?" "Well, that's rushing things a little, don'tyou think?" "I mean, I gotta pack." "I gotta get the dog to the kennel." "Besides, I was planning a wingding tonight." "You wingdinged last night." "Well, this is the anniversary ofthe unveiling ofthe Statue of Liberty." "Seventy-eightyears ago today." "I can't let it pass without observing it." "Mmm." "You never let anything pass unobserved." "Last weekyou celebrated Chinese New Year, and Ruby Fooyou are not." "Harv, all men are my brothers." "We are all part ofthat great fraternity known as mankind." "Whatever rejoices my neighbor rejoices me." "Please, I just had my breakfast." "My place?" "9:00 tonight?" "What's on the stove?" "Statue of Liberty." "Crazy." "I knew you were patriotic." "[DoorBuzzer]" "[DoorBuzzer] Okay, I'm comin'." "Good morning, Mr. Milford." "Ah, good morning, Scruggs." "Hi there, Spike." "Listen, I've got to go" "I've got to go away for 1 0 days." "Make sure that he gets no horse meat, huh?" "We know Spike." "Strictly beef and kibble." "Have a good trip, sir." "Thankyou." "Come on, Spike." "Good boy." "Poor maid." "What a terrible thing to do to a nice old Japanese lady." "[Alarm Ringing]" "[Ringing Continues ]" "[Ringing Continues ]" "[Man ] I heardyou!" "I heardyou!" "You know, we ought to invest in an alarm clock one of these days." "Why blow three bucks when he gets up when we do?" "I think when a girl reaches maturity, she should surround herselfwith certain niceties" "like her own alarm clock." "Bring one more thing into this room and we'll have to knock out a wall." " [Man Gargling] - [ Sighs ] Hark." "The sound ofthe thrush awakes me." "Mine eyes open to the splendor of my abode." "[Man Spitting] Yech!" "Ifthe wheels on these beds everjam, we're trapped here for life." "Yech." "[Man ] # I dream ofJeannie with the light brown hair #" "Case of laryngitis." "Is that too much to ask for?" "## [Singing Continues ]" "# I see her tripping where the bright streams play--##" "Turn it off a minute, will ya?" "## [ Continues ] Luther!" "I said turn it off!" "." "Okay, okay, okay." "I heardya." "I heardya." ""I heard ya." "I heard ya." Harvard man." "Magna cum loudmouth." "[ Gushing ]" "Okay, okay, okay!" "Take it away!" "Ah, what a glorious morning." "The hyacinths will be plentiful this summer." "Did you tell Flaccus, the gardener, to turn the soil and nourish those dear roots?" "[ Pseudo-sophisticated ] I'll tell him when he comes up for the garbage." "What areyou having with your coffee, dear Duchess?" "Fruitcake, like I have every morning." "Look, can I getyou down off the chandelier for a minute?" "Okay." "What is it?" "How's about moving out ofthis trap?" "Where?" "We'll take a day off and we'll look." "I can't." "I've got an extra apartment to clean." "I got two extra apartments to clean, but this is more important." "Really, doesn't this trap evergetyou down?" "No, I don't really ever think about it." "Nor do I think about having to work as a maid." "We're trying to stake ourway into show business." "The important thing right now is to save a buck." "But doesn't it botheryou what guys must think when they takeya home?" "I never met one that I was that interested in." "Talk to a wall." "[Knocking] Yeah." "It's me" " Luther." "Smelled the coffee through the walls." "What walls?" "Sorry about the alarm clock." "I never hear it." "All I hear are your shoes banging." "Mind ifl have a cup of coffee?" "Helpyourself." "Oh, before I forget." "Cannot make the rehearsal tonight." "Gotta talk to a guy about a job." "Oh, congratulations." "It's an offer forthe summer." "A barn." "Plainfield, New Jersey." "That's great." "Grab it." "It's good experience." "All the big stars are doing it." "No, no, this guy's a farmer." "He wants me to work in his barn." "[ Russian Accent ] Ah, Prince Nicholas." "I am glad thatyou're back from the Crimea." "Where the heck is the Crimea?" "You pass it on the way to Plainfield, NewJersey." "Ow!" "[ Gasps ]" "Oh, I'm terribly sorry." "Gee, please forgive me." "A-Areyou all right?" "You oughta watch where you put that thing, lady." "It's absolutely stupid of me." "Gee, I am sorry." "A guy could break every single bone in his" "Oh." "Well, hello." "Hello." "You're the same girl thatwas hereyesterday." "Areyou sureyou're not hurt?" "Who, me?" "No, not a scratch." "Not a scratch." "Funny." "Two days in a row." "Maybe we could get the Red Cross to declare this corner a disaster area." "As long as we've bumped" "Uh, that girl, she, uh-- ahem--just took off." "What'd you expect?" "Mouth-to-mouth resuscitation?" "Yeah." "[Japanese Accent ] Good riddance to honorable drunk and lady chaser." "May the great bird of passage... deliver honorable master to California... with happywind in tail." "I was lookin' forward to that trip to California." "Areyou sure Dunhill beat us out?" "Dunhill called me himself." "Had a good three-minute gloat." "Ifl hadn't been so involved with Leona's divorce," "I would have been out in L.A. a week ago and had the deal in my pocket." "You know, Harv, I hate to seeyou so hacked up." "Wish there was somethin' I could do." "Marry Leona." "Get me off the alimony hook." "That good a friend I'm not." "I'll giveyou three of my Pirraux paintings in your apartment." " How much are theyworth?" " $25,000 apiece." "I have to take Leona?" "Yeah." "Forget it." "Fair-weather friend." "Oh, well, another audition down the drain." "Hey, anybodywant to share a cab to the Village?" "I'm being picked up." "I gotta wait for my boyfriend." "Vickie and I are stopping for coffee." "Okay." "You know, um, I thought you had the best dialect tonight." "Sorryyou didn't get the part." "Thankyou." "I'm sorryyou didn't get the part, Hataki." "I mean, after all, you are Japanese." "Oh, taxi!" "Um, ifyou have the best talent and I have the best face, what has she got?" "The minute you walked on-- You were sensational." " Wasn't she just great?" " The part!" "[ Women Chattering ]" "Washington Square." "Ifyou want to commit suicide, why don'tyou jump offa bridge?" "What's the matter withyou, Mack?" "This nut hit me." "Don't be a wise guy." "[ Chattering ]" "Driver's license?" "That's a laugh." "You probably don't even have one." "[ Crowd Chattering ]" "You know, I get the funniest feeling that somebody's trying to tell us somethin'." "I hope we find out what it is before we kill each other." "Why don't we duck into that bar and see ifwe can't decipher the message?" "All right." "[Drivers Arguing]" "Here, fellas." "This ought to straighten out the whole beef, if a cop don't show up." "What'll it be?" "Oh, something light." "Quinine water with just a drop of gin." "Vodka martini, please." "You know, we're gonna have to come up with some sort ofa system." "Now it's a matter ofsurvival." "Well, why don't we check itineraries each morning so we can avoid each other?" "Well, I want to continue to meetyou, but not head-on." "Well, I tell you." "Let's divide the town in half." "You take the north, and I'll take the south." "We can talk across the border." "Before we get to strategy, I think a few vital statistics are in order." "You said your name was Joan, and I assumeyou're a model." "Uh-uh." "What makes you assume that?" "That hatbox." "It's a dead giveaway." "Wrong." "Actress?" "Well, I'm studying to be, but that's not what I do for a living." "Well, what doyou do for a living?" "Uh, that's my secret." "Bet I can guess it." "There's really no trick to it ifyou try long enough." "Ten questions." "Okay, but even if you do guess it," "I might not tell you." "Bartender, let me have some swizzle sticks, please." "No, I'd like 1 0 ofthem." "We're gonna play a game." "Thankyou." "Uh, could I avail myself ofyour services?" "Mmm, yes." "Uh-huh." "Is there any special training required forwhatyou do?" "Oh, very little." "Well, could whatyou do be done in an office?" "Mm-hmm." "An apartment?" "Mostly." "Uh, no, no." "Are your clients exclusively male?" "Yes." "I see." "Is a telephone essential inyour work?" "[Joan ] Very essential." "Would what you do bring extra comfort and happiness to me?" "[Joan ] I'd like to think it would." "Are you in business foryourself?" "Oh, no, I'm with an organized group." "You know you only have two questions left." "Is there any risk involved in whatyou do?" "Oh, my goodness, yes." "Why, doyou know that last week, a girl fell offthe fireplace?" "And you won't believe what happened to me not long ago." "The sofa caught fire." "I just got a broom, beat it out and I went on as though nothing had happened." "Wow." "Well, one last question." "Do your clients have to be present in order to avail themselves ofyour services?" "No." "Whew." "Well, that's a relief." "What doyou mean by that?" "Nothing." "Nothing at all." "Forget it." "I'm sure whateveryou do, you do very, verywell." "Oh, my goodness!" "It's getting late." "I've gotta be going." "I'll haveyou home in no time." "Check, please." "Please don't bother." "It's really quite a ways." "It's no bother at all." "By the way, I wish you a lot ofluck on your acting career." "It's a very difficult business." "Ha!" "Don't I know." "The last job I had was in a patriotic pageant." "It was six months ago." "I performed before 1 4,000 men at a convention in Atlantic City." "I even got nine curtain calls." "Wow." "Wow!" "Hey, Charlie, you ever been to one of them conventions in Atlantic City?" "Nope." "You know, I think we're missin' somethin'." "It's quite late and really, I feel guilty about taking you out ofyourway." "How doyou know what myway is?" "We might live next door to each other." "After all, I have seen you up around 62nd Street." "Say, taxi!" "[ Whistling ]" "Where to, folks?" "Sixty-second Street." "What did I tell ya?" "So this cop kind oflooks at me nasty like and says," ""It's a good thing I wasn't bending' down fixing' a run in my stockin'."" "Broke me up, I tell ya." "Which house, lady?" "Oh!" "The one right over there by the fire hydrant." "Okay." "You live here?" "Yes." "I want to thankyou for a lovely evening." "Good night." "Don't go away." "Uh, you don't have to take me to the door, really." "But I want to." "Oh." "Well, good night again." "Tom, please don't bother." "I insist on walking you toyour door." "But it's silly foryou to climb all those stairs." "But I want to." "Believe me, I want to." "Oh." "Well, goodnight again." " May I ask how long you've lived here?" " Oh, just a very short while." "Good night." "Yes, Tom?" "We never did get to, uh, last names." "[ Laughing ] Oh." "No, uh, so we didn't, did we?" "Uh, M-M-Milford!" "Joan Milford." "I'm baffled." "Oh, what'd you say?" "Uh, Baffle." "Tom Baffle." "Like "confused"?" "Very." "Good night." "Oh, i-i-it's you." "Um" " Ahem." "I hate to leave dirty milk bottles in the hallway." "By the way, I was wondering." "Could I takeyou out tomorrow night?" "I'd love to meetyou someplace." "I think this place is most convenient for me." "How about 8:00?" "Well, I-I don't expect to be-- Tomorrow night at 8:00." "Good night." "Again." "Again." "Where next?" "I don't know." " Don'tyou wanna go home?" " I am home." "What doyou want me to do, driveyou up the steps?" "Fifty-eighth Street Towers." "Well, where did she get a key?" "I don't know." "I don't know!" "Call the police, Tom." "She's after the paintings." "I'll be personally responsible for the paintings." "Somebodyjust stole your apartment and your name... and you're gonna be responsible for my paintings?" "Call the police!" "I will not call the police." "I'm not convinced that this girl is a thief." "I've gotta find out for myself just what's going on." "Whileyou're trying to find out, where doyou expect to live?" "Harvey." "Harvey, what are friends for?" "When you needed a home foryour paintings, who did you come to?" "I hopeyou don't mind ifl don't make it up foryou." "That's all right." "Doyou have an extra key?" "Hmm?" "An extra key." "Oh-ho, over my dead body." "Harvey, are we bosom pals?" "I mean bosom pals?" "Bosom, yes." "Key, no." "Do you realize what would happen if I did call the police?" "The paintings would become a matter of public information and community property." "Now, eitheryou give me the key or, uh, I'll have to call the police." "You bring one little bunny up to this place, I'll haveyou both arrested for trespassing." "Me?" "Yeah!" "Who areyou calling?" "I'm gonna call my place." "I cannot believe what has happened." "Hey, doyou think I had some sort ofa lapse?" "Yeah." " Line's busy." " Of course it's busy." "She's probably calling the truck." "Come and get it!" "Goldilocks!" "I feel just like Goldilocks... sleeping in Papa Bear's bed." " What?" " Oh, relax." "Milford's in California." "I couldn't let Baffle see where we live." "I got no time to horse around." "The sink is stopped up, the fuse blew in the bathroom... and we got ants in the refrigerator." "You get outta that bed and come home!" "But I'm stuck here." "Besides, we have another date tomorrow night." "Be a good kid, Audrey." "Bring mywhite dress, my cold cream and toothbrush, huh?" "You get home this very minute or I'll come over and getyou!" "You can't just move into somebody's apartment without permission." "It's forcible entry." "It's trespassing." "It's a criminal offense-- punishable by law!" "He's in California, huh?" "Mmm." "Mmm-mmm-mmm." "Where am I?" "Oh." "Oh, all right." "Come on, Goldilocks." "Get up." "It's morning." "Come on." "Up, up, up, up." "I heard ya." "I heard ya." "I heard ya." "Hey, this is the life." "Whydon'tyou go in andtub first... while I just wallow in this ecstasy, huh?" "Joan, let's not get carried away." "We are trespassing." "We could get arrested." "You worry too much." "I do, huh?" "Mm-hmm." "Suppose Milford made a sudden return to New York." "Suppose he walked into this room right now." "Would you wanna be found here like this?" "I should say not." "I'm gonna go bathe and put some makeup on." "Leave mesome ofthat hot water, willya?" "I heard ya." "I heard ya." " You ever meet this Milford guy?" " Uh-uh." "I only sweep up the remains." "Anyidea what his racket is?" "I'd say he books talent for orgies." "I got news forya." "He's a jockey." "A what?" "A jockey." "I found this in the night table." ""Ginny Frazell." "Chestnut hair." "Spirited." ""Good legs." "Slow starter, but great in stretch." "Murray Hill 3-7599."" "Ifhe ain't a jockey, he sure loves horses." "Ha!" "He'll love anything." "I clean up this stable." "I know." "Here." "Read this one." ""Agnes Whitby." "Good disposition." "Affectionate." "Slightly nervous." "Needs two or three outings."" "I guess ifhe likes you, he shoves a piece of sugar in your mouth." "Oh, "Flo Whitby." "Mother of Agnes." "Superb track record." "Breaks fast." "Always there at the finish."" "What's a swingin' jockey like him doin' with a bottle ofbubble bath?" "Maybe his mothervisits him once in a while." "Or Agnes's mother." "Doyou think it'd be all right... ifwe stayed again tonight?" "I've got enough apartments to clean without adding a new one." "J ust one more night?" "How can you give up that wonderful bathtub?" "Suppose he asks you for a date tomorrow night and the next night and the next?" "Yeah, that's true." "I can't wear the same dress each time, can I?" "Now wait a second." "Your stuff's on the left, mine's on the right." "It's a pretty tight squeeze." "What about the other closet?" "Oh, it's loaded." "It's got fishing rods, diving equipment, a bowling ball." "There's even a saddle in there." "Hey, maybe he really is a jockey." "Call Agnes." "See ifshe whinnies." "Ooh." "It's 8:00." "I'd better get a move on." "You rememberwhat I said." "Don't let Baffle into this apartment." "It's about as feminine as a wrestler's locker room." "A guy takes a girl out for a big evening, how can I tell him to wait in the hall?" "I'll tell you how." "You say, "Wait in the hall." That's how." "Oh, nowyou're a big help." "Next time someJoe takes you out, you have to do like I do." "I tell them I live in Connecticut." "Then they take me to Grand Central Station, and I duck into the subway." "What happens when they insist on putting you on the train?" "So once in a while, I spend a night in New Haven." "[DoorBuzzer]" "You rememberwhat I said." "Don't let him in." "What ifhe insists when we come back?" "So I'll move the sofa out into the hallway." "Ooh, thanks a lot." "[Buzzer] Coming!" "Now rememberwhat I said." "[ Laughs Nervously] Hi, Tom." "Uh, I'm kind of early." "Mind ifl come in?" "The place is such a mess." "You see, I'm having maid trouble." "Yeah." "We can't get 'em out ofthe bathtub." "Quinine water and a drop of gin." "Vodka martini." "Charlie." "Charlie!" "There's that little swinger I was telling you about." "The cute little kid?" "You've been in that domestic vodka again." "Take these over and lay an ear on 'em." "You'll hear talk that'll singe the fuzz right out ofyour navel." "You know,Joan, I admireyou." "I mean, you are a rarity." "Oh?" "Well" " Thankyou." "With everybody crying about the immorality ofthe times, hereyou are, a little Puritan... in the middle of this great big evil city," " won't allow a man into her apartment." " Oh--[Sputtering]" "I toldyou myhousekeeper didn'tshow up." "You know that's not so." "You're just being respectable and proper." "And I commend you for it." "Well, a girl should be careful." "Just recently, a fellow took me out to dinner and then to a show... and then got terribly upset because I wouldn't let him kiss me good night." "Well,youstayold-fashioned." "Andas faras myinterest in yourapartment is concerned, why, it's purely professional." "Professional?" "Mm-hmm." "I'm interested in things people live with:" "furnishings, accessories, uh, paintings." "Paintings?" "Well, I certainly don't have any ofthose." "You don't?" "Not unless you can call something that looks like... a two-headed man with a three-legged chicken standing on one ofthem paintings." "Oh." "That sounds very Impressionistic, somebody likeJacques Pirraux." "They could be veryvaluable." "Ifl wereyou, I would take good care ofthem." "Well, i-is thatyour business?" "Paintings?" "Not exactly." "I'm an interior decorator." "You, an interior decorator?" "Why not?" "Is it so strange that I enjoy chintzes and gingerbready knickknacks?" "[ Voice Cracking ] No" " Ahem." "No." "It's just that I never thought ofyou in that way." "Anyone ever tell you you don't hear so good?" "She's a girl scout, and he's an interior decorator." "That's an interior decorator?" "Not only don't you hear good, you don't see good." "I think it's so exciting whatyou do." "You know, the sight of an old Flemish tapestry in muted tones... or a Louis XV credenza-- why, they do things to me that nothing else can do." "Oh, I love pretty things." "But now that I knowyou're an interior decorator," "I certainly can't takeyou to see my place, but I'd love to visityour apartment." "My apartment?" "Mm-hmm." "Well, why mine?" "The answer should be quite obvious, shouldn't it?" "The fact ofthe matter is, my place is quite disorganized." "I've been having maid trouble too." "I tell you what." "You take me toyour apartment, and I'll showyou what I can do with a vacuum cleaner." "Thankyou." "Good night." "Oh, night." "You know somethin', Charlie?" "You're stupid." "Oh, this is very lovely, just not what I expected in a decorator's apartment." "Well, tell me more aboutyour apartment." "It's really quite ugly." "What doyou find so ugly about it?" "Those ridiculous paintings, of course." "I'd like to toss them out." " You didn't." " No, but I'm thinking about it." "Let me freshen that up." "You know it's warm in here." "I can open the door foryou." "There." "A little fresh air." "That's better." "Uh, how long did you say you lived in your place?" "Oh,just a short while." "Uh-huh." "There's something very familiar about that address." "In fact, I think I went to a party there one time." "I can't recall the guy's name, but I'm positive it was your apartment in fact." "It's possible." "Doyou know who I mean?" "I never met the gentleman." "You know, a guy dreams up all sorts of deceptions... to lure a girl up to his apartment, and, uh, you invited yourselfhere." "Well, I trustyou, and that's a compliment toyour character." "Well, maybe it's that you think I'm harmless, and, uh, that's no compliment." "A man is only as dangerous... as a girl wants him to be." "Say, what's the prop" "What's the proportion of gin and quinine water in this drink?" "Oh, I'd say about even Steven." "I'd say it was more Steven than even." "Say, you're not trying to get me drunk, areyou?" "We'll examine the motives later, hmm?" "But later may be too late." "You know somethin'?" "We're talkin' too much." "But ifl don't talk, how am I gonna know what's going on?" "Ifanything very important happens," "I, uh, guaranteeyou'll be the first to know." "Harvey, sweetheart!" "When did you get back into town?" "Why, you lookjust fantastic." "Just like I always say, my place is your place." "That's why I gave you the key, you know." "How was your trip?" "I thought I told you-- You told me you were comin' into town, but you never told me what time the plane would get there." "I would've been there to meetya." "Hey,Joan, this is Harv." "How doyou do?" "My best pal." "Greatest pal a guy ever had." "You are a sight for sore eyes." "Will you stop that?" "I am not going to letyou-- Isn't he a sweet man?" "He's not gonna let me inconvenience myselfby putting him up for the night." "Harvey, ifyou wanna spend the night in a dreary old hotel room, go ahead." "I'm not going to-- Come on in the kitchen." "I wanna get you a glass of milk." "You must've had a very rough trip." "We'll be back in a second." "I don't want any milk." "It doesn't matter." "Ijust don't want to get evicted." "Look, I thought I toldyou" "Shh!" "This is the girl that took my place." "What is she doing in my place?" "She won't let me go to my place, so I had to call your place my place." "Get her out ofhere." "Harv, I've been working on her." "She's just starting to talk." "Teach her how to walk and get her out ofhere." "Look, she's ready to spill the beans, and she's no crook." "In fact, she has no idea of the value ofyour paintings." "Really?" "Yeah." "She thinks they're ridiculous." "Oh, really?" "Yeah." "So ridiculous, she wants to throw 'em out." "Is that so?" "No." "Oh, no." "No!" "Well, I didn't mean it that way." "It's just a joke." "I want my paintings, Tom." "I want them tonight." "Now!" "Harvey, please, it was just a joke." "The paintings are perfectly safe." "They're all right." "Now be a pal." "Give me a little time." "I'm on the five-yard line." "Why don'tyou check into the Plaza Hotel?" "I'll pay for everything, all right?" "You check into the Plaza Hotel!" "Word ofhonor." "Ifl detect any evidence of criminal intent," "I'll pick up the paintings and call the police." "Scout's honor." "Ohh." "I've been locked in with mywife's lawyers for six hours." "I've got indigestion." "I'm tired." "All I wanna do is rest my head on myvery own pillow." "I'll pack it in a bag and you can take it with you." "Oh, thankyou." "Sure." "Knewyou'd see it myway." "Going so soon, Harv?" "Tom, you're a terrible host." "Give the man some quinine water." "Makeyourselfat home, Harv." "I have no home." "Good night, Harv." "What does he mean bythat?" "Who, Harv?" "Well, he actually is suffering from a terrible emotional problem." "He thinks he's a wandering gypsy." "He wears bright-colored shirts and earrings." "Even shakes a tambourine." "Tsk." "Poor Harv." "Listen" "Tom." "Hmm?" "Take me home." "Home?" "Why?" "I don't think I should be here in this condition." "What condition?" "Well, I don't know, but it feels good and I'd be afraid to feel any better." "Don'tyou trust me?" "Should I?" "8:00 will be fine, Tom." "Oh, I was looking at those paintings." "They are by that fellowSchmeero." "Oh, Pirraux." "Well, is he a boozer?" "Nobody sees things like that sober." "I'd still like to toss them out." "Tom, why do you stutter when I say that?" "Okay, I'll think about it." "[DoorBuzzer]" "Oops." "Somebody's at the door." "See you at 8:00." "Hi, guys." "Been rehearsing since 1 0:00 this morning." "Don't ask me why." "Girl, nobody's making you do it with whips." "You don't like the play, quit." "Maybe ifl knew what was going on" "Twenty-two weeks rehearsing and still doesn't get the author's message." "Tell me about last night." "Well, he was very nice." "He-He's considerate... and, and refined." "He called the play "The Onion" because life is like an onion." "Peel away the skins, what haveyou got?" "A naked onion." "Now shut up." "All men are considerate and refined the first time out." "No, Tom's really different." "He's an interior decorator." "[ Laughing ] Oh, no, come on." "I'm not kidding." "He loves art and frilly, chintzy, gingerbready things." "That's why he wants to see this apartment so badly." "He says he's got a lot ofideas." "I'll bet he has." "Look, honey, you've latched onto a very high-grade mechanic." "He's an interior decorator like I'm an astronaut." "First he relaxes you with the chintz bit." "Then the next thing you know, you're asking to see his apartment." "I've already seen his apartment." "What did I tell you?" "That's as far as it went." "Patience." "He'll get there." "Look, he was a perfect gentleman." "I went to his apartment." "I had a couple of drinks." "I got a little dizzy." "So he brought me home, kissed me on the forehead and left." "Could be he is an interior decorator." "The authorsays life's like an onion not only because it's got skins... but also because it stinks!" "Look, why don't you make like a potato and get boiled?" "Now leave us alone." "He's coming here at 8:00." "Well, just remember to keep him out in the hallway." "Maybe I could tell him it's my brother's apartment." " You haven't got a brother." " Well, he doesn't know that." "He'll findout." "Men don't like women who lie." "Besides, you got a great big doozy working foryou right now." "That's enough." "Maybe we can stall him until we rent another apartment." "Do you realize what it would cost to decorate one as nicely as this?" "Wait a second." "Wait a second." "Now just what piece ofhanky-panky... doyou have cooking in that twisted little mind?" "[ Gasps ] Oh!" "I just remembered." "I got an appointment with my dentist in Jersey City." "Well, wait for me." "My teeth are killing me." "Halt." "No one is leaving the premises." "I am gonna put skirts on this apartment, and you two are gonna help me." "Mm-hmm." "Oh, yes." "English tailoring." "Butwearable, wearable." "Your husband's, ma'am?" "Mmm." "Hardlyworn, hardlyworn." "He left me." "I see." "How long wereyou married?" "Well, I-I'd rather not talk about it ifyou don't mind." "Oh, but I do mind." "You see, I operate here under the benevolence ofa police license." "Iflaccept merchandise ofquestionable origin," "I jeopardize that license and my own good name." "Well!" "Ifyou're suggesting that I'm a thief" "Well, you sayyou're married, but I seeyou wear no band." "Or could it be that the vows were never spoken?" "Oh, pity." "You're in difficulty." "But the shame is not in loving unwisely." "The shame rests on him who'd sip the nectar, you might say, and take flight before the blossom has fruited." "Mr. O'Shea!" "What is it, girl?" "Oh, I'm afraid thatyou have" "Oh, don't be afraid, child." "Have courage." "After all, it's the most natural, sacred of miracles." "I, uh, I'll lend you a hundred dollars on the lot." "In spite ofthe tailoring." "Uh, you're sure you won't sell them?" "Still hoping the rascal will return." "They rarely do." "They rarely do." "No, no, you make a new life foryourself, develop an interest." "Haveyou any musical ability?" "No, sir." "Oh, here." "Plunk on this to while away the days." "And when the time comes, I'll have a perambulator foryou." "Watch your step now as you go out." "You've got to take great care ofyourself." "Good-bye." "Good-bye." "God bless you." "Oh, no." "Ah, they can't fool O'Shea." "Call me at the Plaza as soon as you find out." "Harvey, will you relax?" "The paintings are all right." "Call me anyway." "Look, it's now 7:00." "I'm gonna push the watch up to 8:00." "She can't possibly leave me in the hall for a whole hour." "She's gotta ask me in." "Talk toyou later." "Mmm, yeah." "Well, hi, Tom." "Hi." "What areyou doing here so early?" "Early?" "We did make it for 8:00, didn't we?" "But it's only 7:00." "7:00?" "Well, it is racing a bit." "I guess I am early." "Sorry." "I'll just wait out here." "Don't be silly." "Come on in." "Well, come on!" "Uh, Tom?" "This is Luther." "Hi, neighbor." "Luth, will you get my guest a drink?" "I'll just be one minute." "What areyou drinking'?" "Uh, uh, uh, nothing." "Thankyou." "You name it, we've got it." "Uh, ifyou don't mind, I'll just browse around." "How are they getting along out there?" "Okay, I guess." "I'd sure like to meet the guy, but I look like I been workin' out with the Green Bay Packers." " He's cute, isn't he?" " Not from this angle." "He can walk, can't he?" "Sure." "You betterwatch yourself with this guy." "He's gotta be a wolf from what I can see." "Tom, what's the trouble?" "Oh, no trouble." "No trouble at all." "I was just checking the upholstery." "It's fine." "Very fine indeed." "Oh." "Well, I'm all ready." "What's on the agenda?" "I thought we'd catch a movie, then I'd takeyou for a bite to eat... and then I'd like to talk toyou about some exciting ideas I have for redoing my apartment." "Wonderful." "I don't know about that guy." "What's he look like toyou?" "Just another pretty face." "Ifthere's one thing I cannot stand, it's a clean Italian movie." "[ Chuckling ] Luigi Brocatelli always plays such a wolf." "Imagine him as an 80-year-old shoemaker." "I wonderwhere there's a good spaghetti place." "Hey!" "Hiya, hotshot." "Paul." "Guys, lookwho's here!" "Hi, Tommy." "Hi, Tom." "How areya?" "Hi." "Say, folks, I'd likeyou to meetJoan." "Joan, this is Kitty, Paul,Jeffand Helen." "Hello." " Long time no see." "Whereyou been hidin'?" " At the office." "Been very busy." "Hey, let's go someplace." "Dressed like this?" " Really, some other time, huh?" " You're close by." "How aboutyour place?" "Paul's mother is staying with us." "How aboutyour place?" "The painters are coming tomorrow." "The whole joint's torn up." "Howaboutyourplace, Tom?" "Well, I'd love to haveyou, but the woman next door is very sick... and the doctors are coming in and going out." "It's terrible." "I'll giveyou a call next week, all right?" "It was nice to seeyou." "Good night." "Good night." "Gee, I'm awfully sorry about not having you over to my place." "I have an idea." "Why don'tyou all come over to my place?" "Why didn't I think ofthat?" "FourScotches, one vodka." "Make that two" "The least you could do is come out and say hello." "I will not go out and say hello." "I just told them we'd stop here on the way to Joan's place." "So take 'em to Joan's place!" "Joan has no place." "My place is her place." "I couldn't take 'em to my place because your place is my place." "This gang knows my place, so I had to come to your place." "I am seriously thinking of destroying myself." "What will you do when I'm no longer here?" "Will you move me out ofthat place too?" "Harvey, don't be bitter." "You know it pains me to do these things." "I told you to call the police days ago." "I'm worried about my paintings." "Well, stop worrying." "I'll find them." "You'll find them?" "I didn't mean that." "Theywere temporarily removed for safety's sake." "They should be back-- What happened to my paintings, Tom?" "Nothing." "Believe me, they're safe." "She redid my apartment." "She took the paintings down, but as far as being lost-- Where are my paintings?" "I don't know." "Y-You don't know?" "You don't?" "You don't have" "Don't know." "Don't know." "I'm telling you-- You don't know" "Hello?" "Young lady, would you please get offthe phone?" "I've gotta call the police." "Thankyou." "What?" "I don't want to hear aboutyour martinis." "This is an emergency." "Room service?" "I want the police." "No, I don't want" " What?" "I don't want two Scotch and four champagnes!" "All I want is the police!" "Yes!" "Oh, she wants them." "Why don'tyou send them over?" "Look, I want the police, Doyou hear?" "Please get" "Harvey, you put the police onto that girl, and I'll put yourwife onto those paintings." "My friend Milford." "Myvery best friend." "Harv, go back toyour apartment." "Word ofhonor, I won't bug you again." "Oh, all I want is a good night's sleep." "A good night's sleep and my oil paintings." "Is that asking too much?" "No, I thinkyou're being very reasonable." "I'll giveyou a hand." "Here." "Let me helpyou intoyour pants." "I'll put on my own pants, thankyou." "I was just trying to be ofsome help." "I don'twantyour help." "You've got the touch of disaster." "You just stay away, that's all." "My paintings" "That's fantastic." "Absolutely, completely fantastic." "What is?" "Youjust handedme mytrousers, right?" "That's all." "I handed them to you." "The zipper's stuck." "She's never been this late without calling." "It's only 4:30." "Why the sweat?" "She's no kid." "Try information again." "Baffle." "B-A-F-F-L-E." "Fifty-eighth Street Towers." "Information already said there is no phone for that name." "Let's grab a cab and go over there." "Why are we running?" "We don't even know the apartment." "We know he has the penthouse, and that's enough." "[ Muttering ]" "[Doorbell] Ah, wait!" "Wait!" "So that's how it is, you miserable, depraved beast." "Luth, take care ofhim while I getJoan." "Wha-Wha-Wha-- Wait a second." "This doesn't look like the" "All you had to do was lift a phone at the hotel." "You can do that from any position." "We were having so much fun, who bothered to look at the clock?" "Doyou realize we called every place in town, including the morgue?" "By the way, ifTom was with you, who did Luther punch in the face?" "Must have been Tom's friend." "He went back to sleep at Tom's apartment." "Oh, well, anyone who's stupid enough to answer the door at 4:30 in the morning... deserves a punch in the face." "I-It's getting pretty serious between Tom and me." "Just these few days?" "Takes me longer to break in a pair ofshoes." "Boy, half a dozen times last night I wanted to tell him the truth, but I" " I was afraid." "Well,just listen to Mother Audrey." "Don't." "Doyou know how to roast a duck?" "Me?" "Oh, that's pretty good." "Ask me ifl can roast a cottage cheese, I might helpyou." "Well, Tom's favorite dish is duck I'orange, so I invited him up for dinner." "Doyou get pains in your head?" "I couldn't tell him I can't cook." "Why couldn'tyou tell him?" "All you have to say is "I can't cook." That means, quote, "I can't cook," unquote." "You keep getting in deeper and deeper." "But he comes up and sees this beautiful kitchen with all this beautiful equipment" "But a duck!" "The best French chefin town can't make a decent duck I'orange." "That's with brandy and oranges-- the whole schmeer." "Well, how am I gonna learn ifl don't try?" "You know, you're not well,Joanie." "You're not at all well." "Well, I am gonna roast that duck." "Now ifyou don't wanna help" "All right, I'll help." "I'll help." "[ Sighs ] Butwhat's gonna happen to that duck shouldn't happen to a dog." "Hmm." "Mother and child." "Let me smell." "Mmm." "Gravy smells good." "Mmm." "You think we oughta add a little more brandy and Cointreau?" "Gosh, I don't know." "We must have a quart in there already." "I'd hate to have him get drunk on a duck." "Mmm." "Hey, you better get washed and polished." "He'll be here very soon." "What about this kitchen?" "Don't worry." "I'll manage, and then I'll cut out." "I'm sureyou don't want me around." "Gee, thanks, Audrey." "I appreciate that." ""Baste every 1 5 minutes." "Keep oven at 275."" "Mm-hmm." "Mm-hmm." "[ Shrieks ] Oh!" "Oh!" "Oh,Joan!" "Joan!" "The duck's on fire!" "[ Shrieking ] Joan, look!" "The duck!" "Oh, don'tjust stand there!" "Do something!" "Oh!" "[ Shrieking ] Oh!" "What?" "Doyou wanna ruin it?" "Oh, my duck!" "The fork!" "The serving fork!" "Quick!" "Don't stand there!" "Move!" "Fork!" "Oh, here." "My duck!" "Don't panic." "Don't panic." "My beautiful duck!" "Oh, the broom." "The broom!" "Get the broom, quick!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "Don't panic." "Don't panic." "I'm not!" "Oh, I can't watch!" "All right, wait." "Oh, you'll ruin it!" "Oh, no!" "[ Shrieking ]" "Oh, you ruined my duck!" "Yeah, and she'll be right over, and please pack it well." "Thankyou." "It's Andre's on 23rd Street." "He'll have the duck all packed." "I'll clean up the slop and set the table before I leave." "Buck up." "It was only a duck." "But she was so beautiful." "We all have to go sometime." "No duck." "Whew." "[DoorBuzzer]" "Ah!" "[Buzzer Continues ]" "Hello, Mr. Milford." "Anything to be cleaned or pressed?" "No, Lennie." "Thankyou very much." "See you next week." "Hey, wait." "Wait." "Come to think of it, come inside." "You better take this suit." "I've been livin' in it for a week." "Here." "Tomorrow okay?" "Yep." "Tomorrow will be fine." "No, come to think ofit, make it next week." "Betteryet, I'll call for it myself." "Thanks, Mr. Milford." "That's all right." "Bye, Lennie." ""Maid to Order." "This apartment serviced byJoan Howell."" "Doesn't sound Japanese." ""Attention, maid." "Discontinue ser--"" "Joan is my maid!" "Well, I'll be a" "[DoorBuzzer]" "[Buzzer]" "[Buzzer]" "[ Kicking ] Tom!" "[Buzzer]" "Tom?" "Uh..." "Tom!" "Taxi!" "I'm sorry." "I don't carryyour kind, Maxine." "[ Guffawing ]" "You've gotyour big, fat nerve." "I wonder ifl could troubleyou for a dime." "I wonder ifl could trouble you to go soakyour head." "I'm sorry." "I have a problem." "Now ifl could have that dime-- Just take it." "You've taken everything else." "Only the lowest, meanest, nastiest, cheapest kind of person would" "He took it." "He took my dime!" "Hello, Sam?" "Tom Milford." "Listen, don't press my suit." "Just send it back." "No, don't unpress it." "Just send it back." "And hurry." "Okay." "Oh, Sam?" "I'm not at home." "I'm in a phone booth on 62nd Street... across the street from my place." "He grabs my arm and bends my fingers back until I give him that dime." "Did ya ever!" "It's the Russians." "They're sprinkling' somethin' around." "Makes everybody crazy." "Oh, and, Sam, one more thing." "I stole a dime from an old lady." "Would ya send that too?" "Why doesn't somebody call a cop?" "What happened?" "That man stole that woman's dime." "Her diamond?" "No, no, her dime." "Hey, what's goin' on?" "That man stole that woman's diamond." "Ifthere was a red-blooded man around, he'd go in that booth and teach that guy a lesson." "You got more blood than I got, lady." "You go in." "Well, I never carry anything valuable with me." "I don't even carry Green Stamps with me." "All right, ladies, break it up." "Break it up." "Officer, that fiend threw me bodily out ofthe phone booth and took my dime." "I'm a witness, Officer." "I saw every bit ofit." "Where wereya when she was screamin' for help?" "Yeah." "I was havin' my ears pierced." "Officer, would you mind waiting a moment?" "I haven't a thing to wear." "Outside." "Yeah, but" "Outside." "Believe it or not, I was on myway to a duck dinner." "I thoughtyou were waitin' for the 4:00 dog sled." "I know it's unusual, but I can explain everything." "Sure!" "You're Nanook ofthe North, and I am Admiral Byrd." "You gotta believe me." "I'm a victim of circumstance." "I'm waiting for my suit." "Don't let him talkyou out ofit, Officer." "He's some kind of a "prevert." I can handle this, lady." "We'll take a walk." "Officer, you gotta believe me." "I'm as sane as you are." "Sure, you are." "Saner." "I asked for this beat." "Come on." "[ Woman ] But what about my dime?" "Wait." "Look, look." "Hold" "I told you I was just waiting for my suit." "Lennie!" "This lady over here gets the dime, please." "Get in there and put in on!" "Let me tell you somethin'." "I catch you causing any more disturbances," "I'm gonna throwyou in the cookie jar and slap the lid on." "Yes, sir." "Yes, sir." "Oop!" "Officer!" "All right, break it up." "What's the matter?" "Ain'tyou never seen a naked man in a phone booth before?" "Break it up." "Come on." "I knewyou'dbeen here when Isawyourwallet was left on the table." "I thought I'd dash out and have my suit pressed while I was waiting." "Mmm!" "This duck is the greatest." "Why, it's better than Andre's." "Where'd you learn to cook so well?" "Oh, there are tricks." "Say, areyou just as good at housekeeping?" "Mmm, I'm even better." "Career girl, a cook, a housekeeper." "Wow." "Why, you're, uh, you're quite a catch." "It's gonna take an awful lot ofhusband to keep up with you." "Or aren't you interested in getting married?" "Now what girl isn't?" "Haveyou got anybody in mind?" "Mm-mmm." "Notyet." "What's he got to be like?" " Oh, I'm wide open." " Preferably, uh, rich, handsome, personable?" "Well, you aim for the moon and settle for the best." "Well, you should have no trouble at all." "I mean, you're pretty, gifted." "You've got a lovely apartment." "Excuse me." "In fact, you've got a lot ofthings going foryou." "Uh, well, uh, what areyou looking for in a girl?" "Well, I want everything to be in the right place, of course." "But there's one quality above all that's, well, to me, is just a must." "Honesty." "I believe ifa girl is beautiful on the inside, she can't help but be beautiful on the outside." "It's as simple as that." "Um, well, uh" "I-I expect to be leaving here soon." "Oh?" "Where?" "Well, I'm" " I'm not sure." "You will let me know, won't you?" " Doyou wanna know?" " I wanna know." "Oh, the wine." "There I am on 62nd Street in my underwear, and I can't even raise a dime." "What did she do with your suits?" "I have no idea." "She probably sold them." "Nah, she's not a thief." "She's not a compulsive liar either." "She's just a bush-leaguer tryin' to make a big impression." "She saw an opportunity to live it up for 1 0 days." "She grabbed it." "Hmm." "When areyou due back from the Coast?" "Day after tomorrow." "Good." "Maybe things can get back to normal around here." "There's an awful lot ofwork piled up on your desk." "Harv, I was thinking of, uh, delaying my return for a few days." "Oh, no, you're not." "What concern is it ofyours?" "It's my affair." "Your affairs have a remarkable way... ofbecoming myaffairs." "I've had it, Tom." "People waking me at 5:00 in the morning to take a punch at me." "Moving around all hours of the night like a wandering nomad." "Look, if the girl moves, I'll never see her again, and, uh, I wanna see her again." "What in the world doyou want with a damewho's deceived you from the moment she metyou?" "I like her." "It's just that simple." "You could pick up that phone and call 50 girls who are a darn sight betterthan this one." "You are hardly an expert at picking the right girl." "You can stand there-- you with no home and no clothes-- and tell me that this one is the right one?" "Aah!" "Right orwrong, I don't want to lose her." "Have the California office send a telegram... saying I'll be delayed for a week." "That's all I'm asking." "I'm warning you, Tom." "You've stretched our friendship about as far as it'll go." "I'm running a business here." "Either getwith it or get out." "All right, Harv." "You win." "Iknowyou have mybest interest at heart, so I'll forget the girl... and just let her disappear out of my life, and I'll drown myself in mywork." "You're too agreeable." "Harvey, from now on, I am just a company man." "You're planning something to get even with me." " You're gonna call Leona and tell her about the paintings." " What's the matterwith you?" "You're gonna write her lawyers an anonymous letter about my securities and the boat." " You hurt me when you accuse me ofthings like that." " You're in love with that girl." "A person in love is a person insane." "I'm not insane." "Oh, no?" "What other kind of mind would dream up a double-crossing plot like this?" "What'reyou so clouded up about?" "Lover's quarrel?" "Wewere never lovers and we didn't quarrel." "What about the banjo?" "I'll take it back to the pawn shop with me." "Give the ticket to Luther." "He'll get the suits." "He'll also get a good hit in the head." "Why?" "'Cause O'Shea will think you're the father of my child." " I haven't been near enough to her to give her a cold." " [ Sighs ]" "You were right about men not liking liars." "He said something." "How did he happen to mention it?" "Came out some how." "[ Sighs ] Maybe it's just as well it ends right now." "30, 40, 50, 60, 70, 80, 90, 1 00." "What are the charges?" "No, no charge." "Glad to be ofhelp." "Thankyou, Mr. O'Shea." "Ifl might make a suggestion, now that he's back, you run him down to city hall and get a licence." "There's something I must tell you." "Tell me nothing." "The child's got to have a name." "I am not going to have a child!" "Well, don't tell him 'til afterthewedding." "You get the certificate." "It's a permanent credit card." "You listen to O'Shea." "This came right afteryou left." "Oh." ""Attention maid:" "Return delayed one week." "Milford."" "She loves the guy." "Love, shmove." "One more skin on the onion." "[ Chuckles ]" "[ Sighs ]" "[Phone Rings ]" "Hello?" "Oh, hello, Tom." "No, I just stepped out for a minute." "Um, Tom, I was wondering ifwe should be seeing each other again." "Well, there are many reasons." "Oh, no, you've been very nice and I've enjoyed being with you." "Oh, I do, I do." "Yes." "[ Giggles ] No." "Oh, Tom." "You mean, he shuttled in and shuttled out again?" "Must we go through all the details, Mr. O'Shea?" "You can't have him running in and out like the tides." "You'll wearyourself out carrying the suits." "Look, I'm in a hurry." "Never mind the money." "Just hold the suits for me, huh?" "Doyou love the man?" "Mr. O'Shea, there is no man." "I see." "You want to forget him." "Good riddance it is." "So, now I can tell you." "Good-bye, Mr. O'Shea." "There's anotherwoman." "What did you say?" "I found this in one ofthe pockets the first timeyou came in." "I didn't want to upsetyou, so I slipped it to one side." "Well, that's Tom." "That's Tom!" "That's Tom Milford!" "Oh, no." "Oh, no!" "Oh, I just want to die." "Oh, I am so embarrassed." "I-I-I just want to die!" "Why didn't the bum say something, not string you along?" "All that changed hands was some quininewater and a roast duck." "Because hewanted me to look like the biggest idiot that ever came out ofthewest." "Orthe north, south and east." "And Canada!" "Well, it's that time again." "Ifhe had one shred of decency, hewould have never led me on." "Any gentleman would have spoken up... the minute I brought him back to his apartment." "Only a lying, sneaky, deceitful snake would do that to a girl!" "Yeah, when all you did was steal his apartment and hock all his clothes." "Why didn't he stop me?" "Why did you start it?" "Don't change the subject." "Give me a hand with these slipcovers." "He is not gonna get awaywith it, you understand me?" "Joanie, sit down, hmm?" "Doyou know thatyou could get six months for this?" "Jail!" "Pokey-pie!" "You should be grateful he didn't blow a whistle." "Oh, he wouldn't dare!" "He wouldn't dare, because I can prove he led me on for immoral purposes!" "You didn't tell me about that." "When did it happen?" "It didn't, but he was getting around to it!" "Areyou gonna help me?" "I am not leaving this apartment." "He humiliated me, and he is not gonna get awaywith it." "I'm from Iowa." "What's that got to dowith it?" "I don't know, but he's gonna rue the day he toyed with Joan Milford." "Your name is Howell, remember?" "Howyou gonna get him to rue?" "I'll think ofsomething." "Then you're gonna keep your date tonight?" "Ooh, I can'twait." "He mayjust give me the clue on the bestwayto rue." "It hardly seems possible we've known each other less than two weeks." "I feel like I've known you forever." "And yet we really know very little about one another." "What more do you have to know?" "Oh, things like your ideas and such." "At 2:30 in the morning?" "It's a heck of a time to exchange ideas." "You know, you once told me, the most important quality in a woman was honesty." "What doyou think the most important quality in a man is?" "Same thing-- honesty." "Honesty in anybody." "And doyour friends consideryou an honest man?" "I like to think so." "You must have such exciting friends, especially among the women." "No, I'm actually a lonelyman." "You see, my real love is mywork." "Splashes of colors or beautiful fabrics, ora well-turned piece ofwood-- those are the things that can thrill me." "I'm really quite an artist." "[ Chuckles ] Yes, you certainly are quite an artist." "But, you know, you should have more friends." "I haveyou." "What more do I need?" "What doyou say I have a party foryou?" "We have each other." "That's plenty, isn't it?" "But I'm not really very exciting, and I can introduceyou to a lot ofinteresting people." "Mmm, I'm very uncomfortable around people." "Well, Tom, my mind's made up." "I'm gonna invite a few friends over Friday night, and we can have a few drinks and dance, and I'll get some sandwiches in." "I betyou the change would doyou good." "Ifit'll pleaseyou, then I'm for it." "It's getting late now." "You better go." "Okay." "Mmm-hmm." "Night." "Night." "Hello, is Agnes there?" "Hello, Agnes." "This is Mr. Milford's secretary." "We're having a party Friday night at Mr. Milford's place." "A "Streets of Paris" party." "All the girls are coming dressed... as their favorite women ofthe boulevard." "Oh, fine." "Oh, and, Agnes, it's a surprise party, so don't call Tom back." "All righty." "Good-bye, Agnes." "What'reyou trying to do,Joan?" "This is national rue week, remember?" "But what point areyou trying to make?" "This is a man who demands honesty in his women." "I justwant to show him that it's a pretty good virtue in men too." ""I'm so alone,Joan." "I'm so uncomfortable around women."" "You're going to an awful lot oftrouble for a guy you're supposed to hate." "You want a lift home?" "No." "I'm gonna hang around and do a little thinking." "Good afternoon, gentlemen." "Good afternoon, Bert." "Have a nice weekend." "Bye." "What doyou want to think about?" "Joan." "Suddenly, she's very important to me." "I'm awfully fond ofthat girl." "I don't dig it." "You know she's been one long lie." "No, her only crime has been trying to impress me." "No matter howyou rationalize, she's trespassing." "That's morally and legallywrong." "Well, what about a man who conceals assets... that morally and legally are not completely his?" " Such as a nice collection of oil paintings?" "Well, then." "She's throwing a little partyfor me tonight." "I told her I didn't have manyfriends." "I was kind ofa hermit." "That must have been a verytouching scene." "Harvey, I feel like a heel." "For two weeks now, I've been spiking her drinks, playing on her sympathies, lurking around just waiting to take advantage." "Would you want somebody to do that toyour sister?" "I sure would." "My sister's single and pushing 40." "I'm gonna tell herwho I am and forgive her forwhat she's done." "I don't carewhatyou do, just come backwith my paintings." "Why don'tyou come along with me and pick up the paintings yourself?" "After all, you've been involved in this from the beginning." "Could be a lot oflaughs." "Could just be a lot oflaughs." "Must be old home week." "##[Pop]" "[Buzzer]" "[Buzzer]" "What kind ofa party is this without men?" "Be patient." "You know Tom's always full ofsurprises." "He never surprised me." "Look at the one at the table-- the one stuffing her face with the tuna fish sandwiches." "That's gotta be Ginny Frazell." "Slow starter but great in the stretch." "That's right, Chief, dozens of'em." "I can't figure it, either, unless the Seventh Fleet's steamin' down Madison Avenue." "What'reyou gonna do when the man finally shows up?" "I don't have to do anything." "I just want him to see me." "He'll get the message." "Chief, I counted 50." "Must be a national convention." "Just a second." "Two male individuals just arrived." "I can't see their faces." "But they ain't here to read the gas meters." "Yeah, yeah." "Better charter a bus." "Well, it looks like they're all here." "I wish he'd hurry." "I'm getting worried." "What areyou worried about?" "I don't know." "But with all this talent and no place to put it, something's gotta give." "That's funny." "I could have sworn she said a few friends." "Sounds like a few dozen to me." "That's what I mean about this girl." "She's so concerned for mywelfare." "Imagine going to all this trouble and expense." "I just hope there's someway I can repay her." "Well" "Hi." "[ All Chattering ]" "Where's the other fellas?" "There's only two ofyou." "I'll grab the paintings and meetyou in the car." "What is this?" "Welcome toyour party, Mr. Milford." "I just thoughtyou might enjoy being surrounded bythe, uh, things you love best." "I was on myway to clear up this whole mess." "You're a little bit late." "A girl takes me to my own apartment, tells me it's hers." "I couldn't get over the shock for a week." "That still leaves one week unaccounted for." "You deliberately led me on to humiliate me, and you have." "Good-bye." "Now, listen." "Step aside, please." "Could we be alone, please?" "Oh, sure." "What did you have in mind?" "I meantJoan." "You stay right here, Audrey." "I have as much right to be offended as you do." "I knew what I was doing was wrong, but my motives were good." "I met a man I liked, and I wanted to impress him." "Butyou lied to me foryour own evil purposes!" "Ifl say I loveyou?" "I-I-I suggestyou scratch this horse, Mr. Milford." "It's shy, nervous and refuses to enter the starting gate." "Now,you're talkin'about lies." "How about your lies to me?" "Didn't you tell me you were a very good cook, huh?" "You know you didn't cook that duck dinner." "I tried." "Can you hear what he's sayin'?" "He sounds disappointed because she didn't make him a duck dinner." "What about the other one that's playing cards on the bed?" "I'm still workin' on the duck dinner." "I have to leave." "No, really." "Harvey." "No, you can't leave, Harvey." "Please." "I've got an appointment." "You don't have to." "Yes, I have to." "Uh, whereyou goin', sir?" "Home." "We have one stop to make first." "Into the wagon." "I don't know anything about those people." "I'm a responsible businessman." "I just came for my paintings." "Into the wagon." "Please, Sergeant, I've never seen those people before in my life." "See, mywife, Leona, she's asking an awful lot of money." "Anyway, I was keeping my paintings up at Tom's place, and I was staying in my beautiful apartment, and then he asked me to check into the Plaza hotel, which I did." "I was gonna call you fellas, but this girl kept ordering martinis, and then when my zipper got stuck-- In the wagon." "Oh, all right, I'll get in there." "Just push a little bit." "Come on out here." "I'll haveyou broken forthis, you goon." "But I told you." "I'm a secretary at the U.N." "Wait'll my old man gets a hold ofthat Milford." "Why don'tyou believe me?" "Officer, it was all a joke." "I mean, it was my idea." "I don't even know these girls." "Sure, girlie, nobody knows nobody around here." "You all just happen to be waiting for a trolley car." "In the van!" "I can explain this whole thing." "I live here." "They're all friends of mine." "I never even got a traffic ticket in mywhole life." "Maybe somebody can help me." "Officer, let me explain it toyou." "The whole thing is just a gag." "You again." "I didn't recognizeyou with your pants on." "Yes, sir." "I'll go quietly." "Lovely evening to get arrested, isn't it?" "You know, ifyou like the apartment," "I have no objections toyour using it on a more permanent basis." "That is, uh, ifyou'd like to use the Milford name... on a more permanent basis." "Pay attention." "That's a proposal." "And you don't have to worry about tossing away those paintings, because they belong to Harv." "Oh, are these magnificent paintings reallyyours?" "Oh, yes." "I think so." "I-I, uh..." "Oh, well, I was only saying the other day... that whoever owns these paintings, must be a man ofgreat taste and refinement." "[ Laughs ] Oh, really?" "Uh-huh." "Well." "I'm passin' the police station, and these two vans pull up... and unload the biggest bunch of night flyers you've ever seen." "And who doyou think is right smack in the middle ofthem?" "Yourfriend-- Little Miss Muffet." "How about that?" "How about that?" "Like I always said, "The city's a jungle."" "Crawling with vice, it is." "Why, only this week, mind you, a mere wisp of a child with the bloom ofinnocence still on her cheeks, comes into the place, and would you believe it?" "Some dirty dog ofa scoundrel-- some mean, low-down, cheap, conniving, two-faced," "Iecherous snake in the grass, why" "I'll take care of'em." "It's my turn." "You always want to keep the good ones." "Okay, okay." "We'll both take care of'em." "[ Gasps ]" "You and your English tailoring." "Tom!" "Honey, areyou all right?" "Well, Tom" "[ Thud ]" "You know somethin', Charlie, when you got her around, you don't need television." "# The inconceivable#" "# Becomes achievable #" "# It's unbelievable #" "# Whatyou can do #" "# When that funnyfeelin' touches you #" "# And she has got that funny feelin' too ##"