"Previously on Two and a Half Men:" "I am determined to find someone who wants to be with me for who I am, not what I have." "You can be whoever you wanna be." " I can help you out with that." " I appreciate it, Kate." "Sam Wilson." "Maybe you could crash here." " Have you thought this through?" " I gotta see where this goes with Kate." "I think it is great you're working on your computer stuff but we need help now." " Say no more." "I'll start looking for a job." "Hey." "Oh." "Look who finally decided to show up." "Yeah, I got stuck in traffic." ""Traffic." Pfft." "You were with her, weren't you?" "Really, Alan?" "I don't mean to sound like a broken record but you're never home anymore." "I was there the other night." "All you did was watch the game and fall asleep." "Remember how we used to stay up and talk?" "Okay, you know, fine, we can talk now." "What's on your mind?" "Nothing, I'm fine." "I'm not a mind reader, Alan." "Well, not that you care, but I'm rattling around in that big house all by myself." "I miss you." "There, I said it." "I miss you too." "You got a funny way of showing it." "You do understand I have a girlfriend, right?" "So do I. Uh, another peach mojito, please." "What are you drinking?" "It's on me." "And by on me, I mean the money you left me to pay the bills which I used for other stuff, so I'll need money to pay the bills." "I'll have a ginger ale, please." "Ginger ale?" "My stomach's been bothering me." "I haven't really been feeling myself lately." "Which self would that be?" "Walden Schmidt or Sam Wilson?" "Sam Wilson is a lot of stress." "Thank you." "Money's tight." "You'd be surprised what that does to a guy." "Please." "I've been so desperate, I've climbed into fountains and stolen the wishes of children." "So you get it." "I don't get why you don't resolve the stress and tell Kate the truth." " Unh." "That's not gonna happen." " Why not?" "I don't know." "Everything is going so great, I don't want to screw it up." "Oh, that's not good." "I don't know whether this is beef or chicken, but it's worth 79 cents." "What's the matter?" "My life has been a complete waste of time." "Otherwise, I'm terrific." "Whoa, whoa." "Wait, is this?" "Is this one of the dresses you made?" "Why are you throwing it away?" "Because, apparently, my stuff's not good enough to get a job that pays nothing." " You didn't get the internship." " Nope." "Rejected by the guy who assists the guy, who assists the guy who designs Snooki's signature line of baby thongs." "Don't worry." "You're gonna get the next one." "There is no next one." "I mean, obviously I don't have what it takes to be a fashion designer and at a certain point I just have to bite the bullet and admit it is not happening." "But you're not at that point." "Snooki's." "Baby." "Thongs." "I think your designs are great." "You have to say that, I have sex with you." "True." "But if I was a woman, I would totally wear this dress." "Hell, three shots of tequila and I'd wear this dress." " Ha, ha." " And I would work it." "Don't make me laugh when I'm trying to cry." "Too late because I am fierce." "Ha, ha." "I love you, Sam." "You have to say that." "I have sex with you." "Yeah, the real test is, will you have sex with me wearing that dress?" "You get the tequila, I'll go put on some heels." "Lightly salted, just the way you like." "Ooh, thanks." "Heh." "Who could have seen this coming?" "Right." "We end up with the house." "Unbelievable." "You know how I used to say you'd have to pay me to hang out with you?" " Yeah." " Here we are." " Hey, guys." " Mm." " Mm." " Look who it is, Sam Wilson." "Alan, can I talk to you for a second?" " Oh." "Sure." "The principal wants to see me." " Mm." "Oh, uh, Berta." "I brought some laundry by." "Uh, do you mind?" "It's your machine." "Knock yourself out." "So, what's up?" "I'm transferring $100,000 into your bank account." "A hundred thousand..." "Catch me, Lord." "I think I need to sit down." "I could swear that I heard you say you're gonna put $100,000 into my account." " I am." " There it goes again." "It's like the Tea Cups at Disneyland." "How can I ever thank you?" "Money's not for you, it's for Kate." "Next time lead with that." " I want to invest in her fashion designs." " What?" "She's talented, but nobody will give her a shot." "Are you sure she's talented?" "This isn't just boom shaka-laka-laka?" "I'm about to give you a boom shaka-laka." "A hundred thousand will help her start a company." " So give it to her." " I can't." "I'm Sam Wilson." "I'm broke." "But you can because you're Alan Harper, billionaire." "Oh." "Fashion's kind of risky." "And Alan Harper did not become a billionaire by taking unnecessary risks." "You are taking an unnecessary risk right now." "I'm just saying I would rather put my money into gold, or maybe start a vineyard." "Alancrest." "Fine." "When you make a hundred thousand..." "I don't have to finish that." "I want my money invested in Kate." "Okay, no problem, but I'll have to see some of her sketches first." " Alan..." " You want this to be believable, don't you?" "Okay, fine." "Have us over tomorrow night." "Unh, kind of short notice." "Alan." "Can't we do this at your house?" "This is my house!" "Awfully rude for a guy who wants my money." "It's like you've never washed a dish in your life." "What are you talking about?" "There's still SpaghettiOs on this plate." "Ha, ha." "You're the one that wanted to be fancy and said we couldn't eat them out of the can." "Ugh." "Oh, speaking of fancy, I saw Alan today." "It was actually a really interesting conversation." " He's looking for some new investments." " He should buy himself a better personality." "Nobody's that rich." "Uh, but I did tell him that you're trying to start your own fashion company." "Oh, Sam, you didn't." "But I did." "He's in a position to help you." "I don't want his help." "Unless I'm gonna start a line called House of Douche." "Don't be ridiculous." "I'm sure that name's already taken." "Hey, he could be the answer to all your problems." "I don't know." "Before you say no, he invited us tomorrow night so you can show him your designs." "Really think he'd invest in me?" "He'd have to be an idiot not to." "But he is an idiot." "True." "Give it a chance?" "All right." " I'll do it." " Great." "Did I mention if you take his money you have to sleep with him?" "I'm kidding, I'll totally do him." "Ah, Sam, Kate, welcome to Alancrest." " Why are you wearing pajamas?" " I'm rich, I can." " You have a beautiful home." " It'll work until my castle's finished." "Uh, that's French for, "Enter you."" "Oh, look, my panoramic ocean view." "Ha, ha." "You can follow my seagulls on Twitter." "Hashtag, gulls gone wild." "Oh, ah, delightful." "Thank you, Berta, that will be all." "Damn right it will." "Heh." "She's been with the family for years." "They say you're not really rich until you have servants who hate you." " Uh, Kate brought her portfolio to show you." " Oh, yes, Kate, please, uh, take a seat." "Take my breath away." "Oh, I'd love to." "I made some new sketches just for you." "Uh, she's been working really hard on them." "I think you're gonna like what you see." "Heh." "No offense, Sam, but look at the way you dress." "All right." "It's nice." " Oh, I like what you did here." " Thank you." "Capped sleeves are last season, but okay." "I'm kind of done with rompers, but I understand what you're going for." "Oh." "Oh." "Velvet." "Kind of whorish." " Excuse me?" " Okay, you know what?" "Uh, Kate, why don't you run to the car and grab some of your samples?" "I think Alan would love to see them." "Yeah, sure." "I just hope they're not too whorish." "Yeah, let's leave that to Lady Gaga." "Ow!" "What the hell is the matter with you?" "Me?" "She's the one who paired an empire waist with a Peter Pan collar." "You're supposed to be a simple rich guy." "Not a gay Bruce Wayne." "Hey." "You have your character, I have mine." "Well, your character is a festering heap of human waste." "I think we both know if I had money I'd be the biggest festering heap of human waste that ever lived." "All you do is tell her you want to invest, and give her my hundred thousand dollars." "Fine." "But velvet is whorish." "Okay, here we are." "Uh, let's see." "This is a cute little shift that goes from day to night." " I love them all." " What?" " You haven't even seen them." " I've seen all I need to see." "Kate, I want to invest in your line of clothing." " Really?" " Yeah." "Tell me, what's our business plan?" "It depends." "If I had money, I'd put a show together for fashion week in New York." " That way I'd be..." " Great." "Pack your bags for New York because I'm gonna write you a check for $50,000." " What?" " What?" "Sam, did you hear that?" "Uh, yeah, I did." "What's the...?" "Fifty thousand dollars?" "I know it's a lot, but I believe in her and I want to take a chance." "Uh, if you really believe in her, maybe you'd like to invest a little bit more." " Sam." " He's right." "I'm gonna hate myself for this but what the heck." "Sixty thousand dollars." "I can't believe Alan gave me a hundred thousand dollars." "I can't believe it took him two hours to do it." "Thank you." "What are you thanking me for?" "Because I know none of this would have happened without you." "I just introduced you." "Your whorish velvet did the rest." "You are the sweetest most generous, open, giving, caring, genuine person I've ever met, Sam Wilson." "That's me." "Good old Sam Wilson." "This whole thing is incredible." "I'm so excited." "Me too." " Are you sure?" " What do you mean?" "Well, it just seems like, um, Little Sam doesn't have his head in the game." "Yeah." "Maybe I need a minute." "Okay." "Do you think I'm fat?" "Alan." "Wake up." "What?" "What?" "Walden?" "What am I doing in your bed?" "I must have been sleepwalking." "Relax, Alan, I just want to talk." "What's going on?" "It's 3 in the morning." "I haven't been able to sleep." "In fact, my whole life is falling apart." "I'm losing my hair." "I'm gaining weight." "I'm all itchy and twitchy." "I haven't had a solid stool in a week." "So far you're describing my typical Tuesday." "The worst part is I can't get an erection." "All right, just let me brush my teeth." "Whoa, whoa, whoa." " What?" " What?" "Oh." "Uh, yeah, you know, I'm kind of half asleep." "Yeah." "Wow." "Wow, that is a problem." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Has this ever happened to you?" "Me?" "No." "I have amazing control." "Watch this." "Got an erection." "Now it's gone." "Back." "Gone." " Are you done?" " Back." "Gone." "Look." "Every guy has this happen at some point." "It's never happened to me and it's driving me crazy." "It's possible the problem is not in your pants." "No, no, no." "The problem is definitely in my pants." "Look at you." "The stress of living a lie is causing you to fall apart." " You're binge eating." " I am not binge eating." "You get a free candy bar when you buy four corn dogs." "That's just smart shopping." "This all started when you became Sam Wilson." "And I submit to you that he's the one who can't pop his weasel." "Not Walden Schmidt." "Why don't you just tell Kate the truth?" "I'm afraid if I'm honest with her now, she'll just leave me." "Okay." "Well, if you want your boner back you're gonna have to tell her the truth and trust that your love will carry you through." " Or?" " Or you're gonna need a little help." "Go brush your teeth." "I'm kidding." "Yeah, heh, because that'd be weird." "Look, what I meant was I happen to know a 65-year-old man who'll give you a stiffy in no time." "Okay, that also sounded weird." "And it's back." "All right, Walden, how hard do you want it?" "Redwood tree, tungsten steel, or Chinese algebra?" "I'm not looking to frighten anybody." "Really?" "I like eyes to widen when I unsheathe the sword." "Why don't I just put together a little grab bag for you?" "I got one of those." "I call it "boner roulette." You never know what you're gonna get but you're a wiener every time." "I'm gonna start you off with a couple of pink ones, here." "Good for a mid-week quickie." "And these green ones I recommend for solo work." "Oh." "This one I call, "Ouch." Ha, ha." "That's her, not you." "Oh, the purple ones." "I couldn't remember where I lived for a week." "Knocked on every door in the neighborhood, not with my hand." "And Walden, this last one I'm throwing in here just take half of it because technically it's "only for horses."" "Don't I need a prescription for these?" "What are you, a cop?" "Don't worry, Russell, he's cool." "Okay, well, there you go." "And since you're a friend of a friend, I should read you the possible side effects." ""Headaches, dry mouth, blurred vision, facial flushing, inflamed bursa sac, vertigo fits of rage, homicidal, patricidal, matricidal and suicidal thoughts, stroke anal leakage, explosive diarrhea, nipple discoloration, death and difficulty achieving an erection."" "Huh." "That explains my yellow nipples." "You know what?" "Maybe I'll just go with the basic little blue pill." "Suit yourself, Sally." "Here you go." "Don't want these to go to waste." "That little waitress down at Ruby Tuesday's is never gonna know what hit her." "Sam?" "What's going on?" "Guess who's back." "Well, hello." "I haven't seen you in a while." "Hi, Kate." "I've missed you." "Okay, that's creepy." "I'm gonna stop doing that." "Good, because I can't stay and I wouldn't want you to think it's because I wasn't enchanted by your talking penis." " Where you going?" " I came back to grab some designs." "I've got a million things to do before I leave for New York." "But I promise when I get back tonight, I'll make it up to you." "And you." "We'll be here." "Hold me." "Shut up." "Come on, we both know how this ends." "You sure you don't want a ride to the airport?" "No, Alan's sending a limo." "He's a class act." "I just feel like I should come with you." "Sam, I would love for you to come but I wouldn't feel right spending Alan's money to fly my boyfriend across country." "And it's not like you or I have the money." "What if I told you I had plenty of money?" "I would ask why you didn't help me instead of Alan?" "That would be a fair question." "Honey, you are so sweet." "And hopefully one day, money won't be an issue for us." "Hope you're right." "That's the car." "I gotta go." "Good luck." "I'll miss you." "I love you, Sam." "My name is Walden Schmidt." "I'm a billionaire." "I love you too." "I don't care what your name is." "Hello?" "Walden?" "Alan?" "What do you want?" "I'm just checking up on you, buddy." "I'm fine." "Go away." "Are you sure?" "Haven't seen you in a while." "I tell you I'm fine." " Why is it so dark in here?" " Alan, no!" "Holy fat." "Don't judge me." "You didn't, by chance, bring any nacho cheese, did you?"