"And now, please welcome the man who invented modern entertainment, it's Angelos Epithemiou." "Start clapping, you bunch of duffers." "Dog Barks Match Of The Day Theme Tune" "Hello, ladies and gentlemen and welcome to the Angelos Epithemiou show!" "So, Tinned Tomatoes, did you enjoy barking the theme tune to Match Of The Day?" "No!" "Coming up on the show tonight, ladies and gentlemen," "I shall be chatting to the Lord of the genital close-up himself," "Dr Christian Jessen..." "And I will be mucking around with one of his patients, I presume, teenage pop sensation, Conor Maynard's here." "I shall be showing you how to successfully hang off a meat hook." "And I will be showing you how to dry your clothes, whilst wearing them." "Ladies and gentlemen, the bigwigs at Channel four have just been on my bloody back from day one from this, right?" "The other day, right, one of them rings me up on his Raspberry, OK, and he says, "Hey, Angelos, listen, man," ""myself, Lambert and Rafe were having a brainstorming session" ""over some frangella this morning and..." ""And Lambert had a great idea," ""he said, hey, don't we get Angelos a stylist?"" "What do you think, Angelos?" "I said, "I'll tell you what I think, right?" ""A, why don't stick your letters right up your jacksie, OK?" ""And B, I don't need your stylist, thank you very much," ""because I've got my own people what to take care of my look, all right?" ""Malcolm does my hair." "OK?" "'" ""And Margaret buys my clothes."" ""Although, if I'm going somewhere special and I'm after one of those" ""statement ensemble pieces, then I'll use Colin every time."" "Right, ladies and gentlemen." "Modern life is stressful, but there are things that can help you cope." "Get more sleep, take regular exercise." "You can even change your diet." "Or you can take a load of pills." "And that's where we come in." "At Epithemiou Pharmaceuticals, if we haven't got a bloody pill for it, then you're making it up." "We're ethically sound, we don't test any of our drugs on animals, oh no, we test them all on Gupta, who doesn't give a shit." "And tonight he's testing my new pick-me-up pill, designed to give you energy." "It's called..." "Frenzy." "Let's see how he's getting on." "Please welcome my best mate, Gupta." "Gupta, can you come over here, please?" "I want to see if there's any side-effects to these drugs" "I've been pumping you full of." "Beep!" "All right?" "All right?" "Right, side-effect check list, question one..." "Are you experiencing any feelings of paranoia?" "Who's bloody asking?" "OK." "Are you experiencing mood swings, irritability or suicidal thoughts?" "Listen, I've never felt better." "I want to kill myself." "OK." "Are you experiencing any sensitivity to light?" "Oh, the light!" "I can't stand the light!" "OK." "And finally, are you experiencing any dizziness, drowsiness or tiredness?" "Yes, keep down there, son." "That's fine, yes." "I'm very happy." "There are absolutely no side-effects whatsoever to that." "And Frenzy will be available to buy in the shops at the end of the month if you've liked what you've seen." "So it's time to welcome my first guest." "He's the top cock doc." "He's built like a blinking' tank." "Please welcome Dr Christian Jessen." "Hello." "All right, doctor?" "How're you doing?" "Thank you." "Come and sit." "Oh, lovely." "Hello, Dr Christian Jessen." "Hello." "So Dr Christian." "Is it Dr Christian or Dr Jessen, what do you prefer?" "Christian." "Dr Christian, if you want." " Like me, you don't give a shit." " Not really." "Thanks are coming on the show." "In terms of popular faces on Channel 4, I mean, it's you, innit?" "And the Gypsies." "I guess." "We are on a lot, aren't we?" "You're right up there, ain't you?" "Yeah." "You're best known for your Embarrassing Bodies programme." " Yeah." " Having a look at everyone's bits and pieces." "There's a bit of that going on." "There's a lot of that going on, Dr Christian." "That's why you signed up." "Now, I just need to..." "Well, I bloody well would of." "I just need to check you are a real doctor, aren't you?" "Yeah, contrary to popular belief, I am a real doctor." "I'm not scripted." "I only ask if you are a doctor because I've never seen you on Holby City or Casualty." "I want to kick off with a medical question." "All right, fine." "I'm listening." "I'll go into doctor mode." "What is the biggest knob you've ever seen?" "Um..." "Oh, I thought I'd be all right on this show." "Dr Jessens!" "It's Dr Jessens." "I know." "Dr Jessens, I've got a question of you, Dr Jessens." "Yeah." "Argh!" "Look." "What do you think, Dr Jessens?" "Are you listening?" "Are you listening to me?" "Stabilise me!" "For God's sake!" "Are you listening?" "Dr Jessens, look at the end." "What is it?" "Oh, my God." "What is it?" "What do you see?" "That's serious." "It's cheese!" "It's bloody cheese!" "What do I do about it?" "Wash!" "Wash, man, wash." "That's what I'm going to do." "I don't what the hell's going on here but I'm going to go..." "OK, that's, er..." "That's Gupta." "He's just taken some of this, some of me Frenzy." "Oh, what's that?" "That's my new drug that I've been..." "I've just been mucking around making it." "What do you reckon?" "What is in that?" "Well, it's just a load of stuff" "I've got out of the bins, really." " OK." " Yeah, and loads and loads of amphetamines, as well." "Doctor." "Angelos." "On that show you do, with all the bits and pieces and stuff, right?" "Is there anything on that show that you have seen that you really wouldn't rather see again?" "You know what I mean?" "Everything's pretty extreme." "I wouldn't want too many patients with those conditions, to be honest." " Some of them are pretty nasty, aren't they?" " I feel bad." "I sometimes lie in bed at night and images come back into my head, you know." "I'm surprised you sleep at all." "Do you know what, though?" "I saw something the other day that I never want to see again." "What's that?" "Titanic." "What embarrasses you?" "You, right now, here." "Am I embarrassing you?" "My sphincter is clenching." "Oh, really?" "Yeah, yeah." "Slightly." "Do you want me to have a look at it?" "No thanks!" "No." "I hear you answer people's complaints on Twitter, is that true?" "I do." "I love Twitter." "Are you on Twitter?" "I'm on Twitter." "Are you?" "You haven't tweeted me." "I have got a complaint, actually." "Tweet me a problem, I love it." "Because my bog's blocked." "I wondered if you had a number." "Is that a euphemism or your actual bog?" "No, it's not, there's something stuck in the U-bend." "Yeah, it's been there for months, son." "OK." "I'm going to do the quickfire round now, doctor, are you ready for this?" "I'm ready." "OK." "What's the best cure for depression?" "Fizzy drinks, KFC or smoking?" "KFC, probably." "I would say KFC, as well." "Do you think dogs are getting more hairy these days?" "No, less hairy." "If you see a squirrel go through a hole in a fence, do you assume there is a cartoon going on on the other side?" "Always." "Do you like your meat in gravy or in a simple bullshit sauce?" "I like the bullshit sauce myself, yeah." "Is piss poisonous?" " No." " Thank God for that." "OK." "Have you ever had a quarter-pounder in your mouth?" "Yes." "Whoo." "Getting hot in here!" "Have you ever been arrested for gross misconduct on a barge or a tugboat?" "Neither, neither." "No, no." "And, finally, what percentage of the daydoyou spend in the sewers?" "A very small amount." "Thank you very much, Dr Christian Jessen." "It's a pleasure." "OK, so join us after the break when I shall be mucking around with teen sensation Conor Maynard and Gupta will be testing my new truth serum." "What we are calling this one, Gupta?" "Confessions... by Epithemiou." "See you in two ticks." "OK, ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to part two." "Still to come in this half..." "I'll be mucking around with teen sensation Conor Maynard and I'll be showing you how to survive an owl attack in a cupboard." "But before all that, let's kick off with an explosive start." "This is going to be maximum bloody epic, do you know what I mean?" "Right, let's get on with it." "Three... two... one." "Argh!" "Fantastic!" "Yeah!" "We landed it, mate!" "I know." "I know, I know I did." "I know I did." "Yeah, I know." "I bloody love you, man." "Yeah, I know you do." "No, no, no, Angelos, Angelos..." "Yes, right." "I really love you." "I've loved you from the first moment I saw you walk into" "Hounslow Squash Club with your dungarees." "Well, what's going on here then, Gupta?" "Oh, I know this is." "This is confessions, the truth serum kicking in." "Right, let's test its efficacy." "Esaphe... shacy..." "Let's see if it's working on Gupta." "Right, question one, Gupta." "What is your real name?" "Gupta Terence Trent D'arby Gupta Silly II." "Correct." "He normally lies about that and calls himself Lightening Bolt so I know it's working." "Right, are you a virgin?" "Absolutely." "Correct a mondo." "Right, just relax, that is my special alarm to tell me that Gabby Logan has arrived to do her show in the studio next door." "Gabby and I have got a thing going on," "I like to go and see her, etc, etc." "So, Gupta, will you look after the audience for me, please?" "While I go and get off with her?" "Yes." "Got it covered." "All right, what are you going to do?" "I'm just going to share some truths with them." "OK, well, see you in a minute." "Thank you." "I had a lonely childhood." "Perhaps because of my juvenile cystitis or perhaps because, as my doctor commented, I was a tiresome little prat!" "Ha-ha-ha!" "He got that right!" "Gabby." "Gabby, Gabby, I just wanted to check something." "Is that OK?" "Oh, yes, just as I thought, "Made in heaven!"" "Oh, that's really nice, Angelos." "No, no." "Angelos?" "I don't think so!" "My name is Microsoft, can I crash at your place tonight?" "No, no, no, no, my name is Mr Right, someone said you was looking for me!" "Yeah, look, I've just got to show to go to, so..." "Yeah, but listen, Gabby, we are now in a cool situation, OK?" "A "cool" situation?" "Yeah, acoolclosing window of opportunity." "I've got it, yes." "Yes, OK, thank you." "Gabby!" "There's 267 bones in the human body, do you want another one?" "I don't get that." "Do you want to hear another truth about Angelos?" "Yeah!" "Listen to this, right." "He cries when they pick on that fella from Top Gear, Richard Hammond, the hamster fella!" "I know!" "And his favourite TV show is Rosie and Jim!" "I know!" "How does it go?" "♪ Rosie and Jim, Rosie and Jim. ♪ What a loser!" "Thank you, Gupta, that's enough, thank you!" "Thank you!" "That's enough, Gupta!" "That's enough of the truth, thank you." "I preferred it when you were a bloody liar!" "Go back to that, OK?" "OK, I will but, Angelos, I still love you, man." "Ah." "Are you lying now?" "Yes." "No!" "I don't know, man." "Get back up your pipe!" "Right, ladies and gentlemen, it's time to find out what's in my bag!" "♪ What's in your bag, Angelos?" "♪ Tell us what's in your bag You bastard!" "♪ A lump of fish and some super mulch" "♪ And Usain and his bolt!" "♪" "I tell you what, right?" "I tell you what, in terms of making money out of his name," "Usain Bolt can pretty much walk into Screwfix and name his price!" "Right, ladies and gentlemen, it's time, now, to come down and meet my audience." "Here I come." "And, of course, I can't go anywhere else other than this gentleman here." "What's your name?" " Matt." " Hello, Matt, how you doing?" "Not bad." "Do you want to stand up?" " If you want." " Yeah, I do want, I do want, yes." "I don't like to judge, nothing like that, but you look a right knob." "Just a few home truths, ain't it?" "What's your name, darling?" "Charlotte." "Charlotte?" " Are you with him?" " Yes." "Not for much longer!" "Not for much longer!" "What's your name?" "Seb." "Good." "Right, ladies and gentlemen, it's time to meet my second guest!" "Please welcome Conor Maynard!" "Hello, Conor!" "Hello, nice to meet you." "How are you?" "I'm good, thank you, I'm cool." "Very nice." "You're very well?" "I'm really good, thank you." "Yeah?" "Fantastic!" "Ignore that, ignore that!" "So, erm... you've had 76 million YouTube hits?" "Yes, that's, that's..." "I can't stop looking at him, what is going on over there?" "Oh, don't worry about that!" "Don't worry about that." "How are you enjoying being a pop star?" "Yeah, it's been crazy so far and I'm just excited to come to see what's going to happen next." "Yeah, well, you know, you're getting a good idea, ain't you?" "Yeah!" "Right, so, you've come to sing a song, ain't you?" "Yes." "You can't just sing a song, you got earn the right on this show." "OK." "How's he going to earn the right?" "By catching stuff I fire out of my big fat arse." "Gupta, you love firing stuff out of your arse, don't you?" "Yeah, I just do it for kicks, do you know what I mean?" "That's right!" "It's just for shits and giggles, really, innit?" "Yeah, for the sheer, blatant, unapologetic fuck-offness of it all." "That's right!" "Gupta, what would you be firing out of your arse today?" "Mars bars, toothpaste, parsnips." "OK." "Mars bars, toothpaste and parsnips!" "And if you catch an item what Gupta fires out of his arse," "Gupta will say..." "You caught an item!" "And you can sing a song." "Perfect." "How does that sound?" "Are we ready?" "Sounds..." "Erm..." "Yeah, ready." "OK." "There's your box." "The catching device." "Thank you very much." "I'm going to go over there now and load up Gupta's arse, is that OK?" "Here we go, are you ready, Gupta?" "Yeah, I'm ready, man." "OK, here comes the first thing." "I'm still not feeling it." "It's a parsnip." "Oh, I can feel that!" "Here we go!" "Three... two... one!" "Hababayaaah!" "Oh, that's very poor." "What happened?" "What happened?" "We're going to need a little bit more thrust." "All right, I'll do my best." "I'll do my best." "Little bit more thrust." "Right, toothpaste." "Here we come." "Stick it in there!" "Some toothpaste." "Here it comes, a bit more thrust." "Here we go." " Are you ready, Conor?" " Yeah." "OK, this is coming out at quite a speed." "Right, get yourself prepared, mate." "Three... two... one!" "Hababababababah!" "Ahh!" "Did he catch...?" "You might want to recalibrate." "Might want to recalibrate." "Put your back into it, man." "OK, here we go." "Mars bar!" "Mars bar." "Ready?" "Ready, Conor?" "Come on, now!" "Three... two... one!" "Right, this is it, this is the one!" "Hadadadadadah!" "Yeah!" "Congratulations!" "Congratulations." "Well done." "He caught an item." "Off you go and get yourself ready." "Right, ladies and gentlemen, performing for us now, it's Conor Maynard and Vegas Girl!" "♪ That there let me break it off" "♪ All the pressure that you got Let me take it off" "♪ I swear we're going to make it hot" "♪ Put your hands in the air don't stop" "♪ I'll knock you down like you're Keri" "♪ Forget your name like Rihanna You can run the world Queen B" "♪ Be unthinkable Alicia" "♪ We can go so far if she let go" "♪ And I ain't going to leave without her" "♪ This is for the girl that get down low" "♪ The whole club want to see you go" "♪ Ey, shake, shake like you're famous girl" "♪ Head back, lay it down like a Vegas girl" "♪ Bass coming down so hard" "♪ That little dress breaking every heart" "♪ Ey, shake, shake like you're famous girl" "♪ Head back lay it down like a Vegas girl... ♪" "Right, well, that's the end of the show, ladies and gentlemen." "It had a little bit of everything." "I should just say that frenzy and confession, when taken separately, are fine, but when taken together they can have disastrous side-effects." "Good night!" "Good night!" "♪ I'll knock you down like you're Keri" "♪ Forget your name like Rihanna You can run the world Queen B" "♪ Be unthinkable Alicia" "♪ We can go so far if she let go" "♪ And I ain't going to leave without her" "♪ This is for the girl that get down low" "♪ The whole club want to see you go... ♪ Ey, shake, shake like you're famous girl" "♪ Head back lay it down like a Vegas girl" "♪ Bass coming down so hard" "♪ That little dress breaking every heart" "♪ Ey, shake, shake like you're famous girl" "♪ Head back lay it down like a Vegas girl" "♪ L-l-l-like a Vegas girl" "♪ It feels so right every night" "♪ Like you're in Vegas girl" "♪ Like a Vegas girl In Vegas girl" "♪ L-l-l-like a Vegas girl In Vegas girl" "♪ Like a Vegas girl In Vegas girl" "♪ This is for the girl that get down low" "♪ The whole club want to see you go" "♪ Ey, shake, shake like you're famous girl" "♪ Head back lay it down like a Vegas girl" "♪ Bass coming down so hard" "♪ That little dress breaking every heart" "♪ Ey, shake, shake like you're famous girl" "♪ Head back lay it down like a Vegas girl. ♪"