"MOST MEN LIKE WORKING ON THINGS" "TOOLS, OBJECTS, FIXING THINGS" "THIS IS WHAT MEN ENJOY." "NOTICE WHEN A GUY'S OUT IN HIS DRIVEWAY," "WORKING WITH TOOLS," "ALL MEN IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD" "ARE MAGNETICALLY DRAWN TO THIS ACTIVITY?" "THEY COME WANDERING OUT OF THE HOUSE LIKE ZOMBIES." "MEN HEAR A DRILL, IT'S LIKE A DOG WHISTLE" "JUST..." "THEY GO RUNNING TO THAT LIVING ROOM CURTAIN" ""HONEY, JIM'S WORKING ON SOMETHING OVER THERE."" "SO THEY RUN OVER." "NOW, THEY DON'T ACTUALLY HELP THE GUY." "NO." "THEY JUST WANT TO HANG AROUND THE AREA" "WHERE WORK IS BEING DONE." "THAT'S WHAT MEN WANT TO DO." "WE WANT TO WATCH THE GUY." "WE WANT TO TALK TO HIM, ASK HIM DUMB QUESTIONS" ""WHAT ARE YOU USING, A PHILLIPS HEAD THERE?"" "YOU KNOW, WE FEEL INVOLVED." "THAT'S WHY, AT CONSTRUCTION SITES," "THEY NEED THOSE FENCES AROUND IT." "THAT'S JUST TO KEEP THE MEN OUT." "THEY CUT HOLES FOR US" "SO WE CAN SEE WHAT'S GOING ON." "UNLESS THEY CUT THOSE HOLES," "WE ARE CLIMBING THOSE FENCES." "RIGHT OVER THERE." "WHAT ARE YOU USING, THE STEEL GIRDERS DOWN HERE?" "YEAH, THAT'LL HOLD." "CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY COLUMBIA TRISTAR DOMESTIC TELEVISION" "I HAD TO SAY SOMETHING." "HAD TO SAY SOMETHING." "EVERYTHING WAS GOING SO WELL." "I HAD TO SAY SOMETHING." "YOU DID NOTHING WRONG." "I TOLD HER I LIKED HER." "WHY DID I TELL HER I LIKE HER?" "I HAVE THIS COMPULSION" "TO TELL WOMEN HOW I FEEL." "I LIKE YOU." "I DON'T TELL YOU." "WE CAN ONLY THANK GOD FOR THAT." "I'M OUT OF THE PICTURE." "OUT OF THE PICTURE." "HA HA!" "MATTER OF TIME NOW." "YOU'RE IMAGINING THIS." "REALLY." "OH, NO." "NO, NO, NO, NO." "I'LL TELL YOU WHEN IT HAPPENED." "WHEN THAT FLOSS CAME FLYING OUT OF MY POCKET." "WHAT FLOSS?" "WHEN?" "DURING THE INTERMISSION OF THE PLAY," "I WAS BUYING HER A CONTAINER OF ORANGE DRINK FOR $5.00." "I REACH INTO MY POCKET TO PAY," "THERE'S THIS GREEN FLOSS HANGING FROM MY FINGERS." "AH, MINT." "OF COURSE." "SO I'M LOOKING AT IT." "I LOOK UP AND SEE SHE'S LOOKING AT IT." "OUR EYES LOCK." "IT WAS A HORRIBLE MOMENT." "I JUST..." "SO LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT." "SHE SAW THE FLOSS." "YOU PANICKED, AND YOU TOLD HER YOU LIKED HER." "WITHOUT THAT FLOSS IN MY POCKET," "I'D BE CRAWLING AROUND HER BEDROOM, LOOKING FOR MY GLASSES." "YOU SURE FLOSS WAS THE CATALYST?" "YES, I AM." "YOU DON'T THINK IT HAD ANYTHING TO DO WITH THAT?" "YOU DON'T LIKE THIS?" "LOOKS LIKE YOUR BELT IS DIGESTING A SMALL ANIMAL." "THEY GOT A CURE FOR CANCER." "SEE, IT'S ALL BIG BUSINESS." "OH, HEY, JERRY JUST WALKED IN." "HI, GEORGE!" "YEAH, YEAH, YEAH." "TAKE MY NUMBER." "UH, IT'S 555-8643." "OK." "HERE HE IS." "WHO IS IT?" "TAKE IT." "WHO IS IT?" "IT'S FOR YOU." "HELLO?" "OH, HI, JOEL." "NO, I WAS OUT OF TOWN." "I JUST GOT BACK." "KRAMER DOESN'T KNOW ANYTHING." "HE'S JUST MY NEIGHBOR." "UH, NOTHING MUCH." "TUESDAY?" "UM, TUESDAY, NO," "I'M MEETING..." "SOMEBODY." "UH, WEDNESDAY?" "WEDNESDAY'S OK." "ALL RIGHT, I'M A LITTLE BUSY RIGHT NOW." "CAN WE TALK WEDNESDAY MORNING?" "OK." "YEAH, RIGHT." "THANKS, BYE." "WHY PUT ME ON THE PHONE WITH HIM?" "I HATE JUST BEING HANDED A PHONE." "HE WANTED TO TALK TO YOU." "MAYBE I DIDN'T WANT TO TALK TO HIM." "WHY NOT?" "HE BOTHERS ME." "I DON'T ANSWER THE PHONE BECAUSE OF HIM." "HE'S TURNED ME INTO A SCREENER." "NOW I GOT TO SEE HIM ON WEDNESDAY." "WE HAD TICKETS TO THE KNICK GAME WEDNESDAY." "WHAT HAPPENED?" "WE'RE NOT GOING?" "WE'RE GOING." "THAT'S NEXT WEDNESDAY." "OH." "WHO IS THIS GUY?" "HIS NAME'S JOEL HORNECK." "HE LIVED NEAR ME WHEN I GREW UP." "HE HAD A PING-PONG TABLE." "WE WERE FRIENDS." "SHOULD I SUFFER ALL MY LIFE BECAUSE I LIKE PING-PONG?" "I WAS 10!" "I WOULD'VE BEEN FRIENDS WITH STALIN" "IF HE HAD A PING-PONG TABLE." "HE'S SO SELF-INVOLVED." "[TELEPHONE RINGS]" "[RING]" "THAT'S FOR ME." "KRAMERICA INDUSTRIES." "OH, HI, MARK." "NO, NO." "FORGET THAT." "I GOT A BETTER IDEA" "A PIZZA PLACE WHERE YOU MAKE YOUR OWN PIE." "CAN YOU CONDUCT YOUR BUSINESS..." "ELSEWHERE?" "I'M TALKING ABOUT A WHOLE CHAIN OF THEM." "YEAH." "I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU BOTHER WITH THIS PING-PONG GUY." "HE'S BEEN CALLING FOR SEVEN YEARS." "I NEVER CALLED HIM." "HE'S GOT THE ATTENTION SPAN OF A 5-YEAR-OLD." "I MAKE UP THINGS JUST TO SEE IF HE'S PAYING ATTENTION." "WHY DO YOU SPEND TIME WITH THIS GUY?" "WHAT CAN I DO-- BREAK UP?" "TELL HIM WE'RE NOT RIGHT FOR EACH OTHER?" "IT'S A GUY." "WITH A WOMAN THERE'S A PRECEDENT." "THE RELATIONSHIP SOURS, YOU END IT." "NO, NO, NO, NO." "APPROACH THIS AS IF HE WAS A WOMAN." "BREAK UP?" "ABSOLUTELY." "TELL HIM THE TRUTH." "THE TRUTH?" "SO MY SHRINK WANTS MY MOTHER IN FOR A SESSION." "THIS GUY IS BRILLIANT." "LENNY BRUCE USED TO GO TO HIM," "AND, I THINK, UH, GERALDO." "I READ THE LENNY BRUCE BIOGRAPHY." "I THOUGHT IT WAS" "HEY, WE'RE STARVING HERE!" "INTERESTING" "WE'VE WAITED 10 MINUTES." "THAT HE WOULD..." "DO YOU THINK I NEED A HAIRCUT?" "ARE YOU READY?" "I'LL HAVE THE EGG SALAD ON WHOLE WHEAT." "LET ME ASK A QUESTION." "THIS TURKEY SANDWICH-- IS THAT REAL TURKEY OR TURKEY ROLL?" "I DON'T WANT PROCESSED TURKEY." "I HATE IT." "I THINK IT'S REAL TURKEY." "THERE'S A BIRD IN BACK?" "NO, THERE'S NO BIRD, BUT" "HOW DO YOU KNOW FOR SURE?" "YOU GO IN THE BACK AND FIND OUT." "OK?" "UNBELIEVABLE." "HOW CAN YOU TALK TO SOMEONE LIKE THAT?" "WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?" "YOU LIKE TURKEY ROLL?" "LISTEN, JOEL, THERE'S SOMETHING I HAVE TO TELL YOU." "WAIT." "YOU'LL NEVER GUESS WHO I RAN INTO." "HOWARD METRO." "HOWARD METRO." "HE ASKED ME IF I STILL SAW YOU." "I SAID, "SURE, WE'RE GREAT FRIENDS."" "ANYWAY, HOWARD SAYS HELLO." "LISTEN, JOEL..." "I DON'T THINK WE SHOULD SEE EACH OTHER ANYMORE." "WHAT?" "THIS FRIENDSHIP, IT'S NOT WORKING." "WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?" "WE'RE JUST NOT SUITED TO BE FRIENDS." "HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT?" "YOU'RE A NICE GUY," "BUT WE HAVEN'T ANYTHING IN COMMON." "WHAT DID I DO?" "I WANT TO KNOW WHAT I DID." "YOU DIDN'T DO ANYTHING." "IT'S NOT YOU, IT'S ME." "IT'S--THIS IS VERY DIFFICULT." "I CALL YOU TOO MUCH." "YOU'RE A BUSY GUY." "NO, IT'S NOT THAT." "YOU'RE ONE OF THE FEW PEOPLE I CAN TALK TO." "LOOK, COME ON." "THAT'S NOT TRUE." "I ALWAYS TELL EVERYBODY ABOUT YOU," "TELL EVERYBODY TO "GO SEE HIS SHOW!"" "I'M YOUR BIGGEST FAN." "I KNOW." "YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND." "BEST FRIEND?" "I'VE NEVER BEEN TO YOUR APARTMENT." "I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING." "OK, OK, FORGET IT." "IT'S OK." "I DIDN'T MEAN IT." "MEAN WHAT?" "I'VE BEEN UNDER LOTS OF STRESS." "YOU'VE BEEN UNDER A LOT OF STRESS." "CAN WE JUST FORGET THE WHOLE THING EVER HAPPENED?" "I DIDN'T MEAN IT." "I TOOK IT OUT ON YOU." "WE'RE STILL FRIENDS." "STILL FRIENDS." "OK, LOOK." "I TELL YOU WHAT." "I GOT KNICK TICKETS." "THIS WEDNESDAY." "GREAT SEATS BEHIND THE BENCH." "COME ON." "TONIGHT?" "NEXT WEDNESDAY." "IF IT WAS TONIGHT, I WOULD'VE SAID TONIGHT." "YOU REALLY WANT ME TO GO?" "YES." "OK." "HERE, TAKE THESE." "OK." "GREAT." "THAT WOULD BE-- THAT'D BE GREAT." "SO, NEXT WEDNESDAY." "NEXT WEDNESDAY." "SAY, WHERE IS THAT WAITRESS?" "HEY!" "SHE CALLS ME AT THE OFFICE, SHE SAYS, "WE HAVE TO TALK."" "OH, THE FOUR WORST WORDS" "IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE." "THAT OR "WHOSE BRA IS THIS?"" "HMM, THAT IS WORSE." "WE ORDER LUNCH, AND WE'RE TALKING." "FINALLY, SHE BLURTS OUT HOW IT'S NOT WORKING." "REALLY." "AS SHE'S SAYING THIS," "I'M THINKING, GREAT." "THE RELATIONSHIP'S OVER BUT EGG SALAD'S COMING." "SO I HAVE A DECISION-- DO I WALK OR EAT?" "YOU ATE." "SAT THERE FOR 20 MINUTES CHEWING," "STARING AT EACH OTHER" "IN A DEFUNCT RELATIONSHIP." "SOMEONE SAYS "GET OUT OF MY LIFE,"" "AND THAT DOESN'T AFFECT YOUR APPETITE?" "EVER HAD THEIR EGG SALAD?" "UNBELIEVABLE." "UNBELIEVABLE." "I'LL TELL YOU WHAT ELSE IS UNBELIEVABLE." "I PICKED UP THE CHECK." "SHE DIDN'T EVEN OFFER." "SHE ENDED IT." "AT LEAST SHE COULD'VE SENT ME OFF WITH A SANDWICH." "HOW MUCH COULD YOU POSSIBLY HAVE IN THERE?" "LOOK, IT'S MY MONEY." "SHOULD I THROW IT OUT THE WINDOW?" "I KNOW A GUY WHO VACATIONED ON HIS CHANGE." "YEAH?" "WHERE'D HE GO-- TO AN ARCADE?" "THAT'S FUNNY." "YOU'RE A FUNNY GUY." "COME ON, MOVE UP." "OH, GREAT." "EWING'S HURT." "HOW LONG WILL HE BE OUT?" "A COUPLE DAYS, BUT..." "OH, SHEESH." "OH, GOD." "I GOT SCARED THERE-- THE KNICKS WITHOUT EWING." "LISTEN, GEORGE, A LITTLE PROBLEM WITH THE GAME." "WHAT?" "YESTERDAY, I KIND OF, UH..." "WHAT?" "I GAVE YOUR TICKET TO HORNECK." "YOU WHAT?" "YEAH, I'M SORRY." "I HAD TO GIVE IT TO HORNECK." "NAH." "MY TICKET?" "YOU GAVE MY TICKET TO HORNECK?" "MOVE UP." "WHY GIVE HIM MY TICKET?" "YOU DIDN'T SEE HIM." "COME ON." "I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS!" "I HAD TO DO IT." "CAN YOU CHANGE THIS INTO BILLS?" "SIR, WE CAN'T DO THAT." "YOU WANT TO GO WITH HIM?" "IT'S OK." "NO." "I DON'T EVEN KNOW THE GUY!" "THEY DID THIS FOR ME BEFORE." "YOU TAKE THESE." "ROLL THEM YOURSELF." "YOU WANT ME TO ROLL 6,000 OF THESE?" "WHAT?" "SHOULD I QUIT MY JOB?" "I'VE HEARD THE EXPRESSION" "LAUGHING ALL THE WAY TO THE BANK." "I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYONE ACTUALLY DO IT." "AND THOSE BANK LINES." "I HATE IT WHEN THERE'S NOBODY IN LINE AT ALL." "THE BANK IS EMPTY," "AND YOU STILL HAVE TO GO THROUGH THE LITTLE MAZE." "GET SOME CHEESE FOR ME." "I'M NEARLY THERE." "I'D LIKE A REWARD FOR THIS, PLEASE." "32, 33..." "GEORGE." "NOT NOW. 33... 30..." "COULD YOU STOP COUNTING?" "OOH, OOH, OOH..." "WHAT?" "I'M SORRY." "I'LL GIVE YOU $50 FOR THE JUG." "YEAH, SURE." "KEEP YOUR MONEY." "THEN I WON'T GO EITHER." "I'LL GIVE HIM BOTH TICKETS." "AW, GEE..." "GO." "GO!" "NO, I DON'T WANT TO GO." "HE WAS REALLY CRYING?" "I GAVE HIM TISSUES." "I'LL CALL HIS MACHINE" "AND MAKE SOME EXCUSE WHY I CAN'T GO TO THE GAME." "WAIT, WAIT." "IF YOU'RE GOING TO LIE," "TELL HIM YOU LOST BOTH TICKETS." "THEN WE CAN GO." "GEORGE, THE MAN WEPT." "OH, HEY, GUYS." "I'M TELLING YOU, THIS PIZZA IDEA" "IS REALLY GOING TO HAPPEN." "THIS IS THE THING WHERE YOU MAKE YOUR OWN PIZZA?" "WE GIVE YOU DOUGH." "YOU SMASH IT, POUND IT," "FLING IT IN THE AIR." "YOU PUT YOUR SAUCE, YOUR CHEESE," "AND THEN YOU SLIDE IT INTO THE OVEN." "YOU HAVE TO KNOW HOW." "YOU CAN'T HAVE PEOPLE SHOVING THEIR ARMS" "INTO A 600-DEGREE OVEN!" "IT'S ALL SUPERVISED." "OH." "WELL..." "ALL OF IT!" "YOU WANT TO INVEST?" "MY MONEY'S TIED UP IN CHANGE." "PEOPLE REALLY WANT TO MAKE" "THEIR OWN PIZZA PIE!" "I HAVE TO SAY SOMETHING, WITH ALL DUE RESPECT." "I JUST NEVER-- I CAN'T IMAGINE ANYONE," "IN ANY WALK OF LIFE, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE," "WANTING TO MAKE THEIR OWN PIZZA PIE." "BUT THAT'S ME." "OK?" "THAT'S YOU." "ALL RIGHT?" "JUST CHECKING WITH YOU GUYS." "THIS WILL BE BIG." "I JUST WANT TO-- OK." "UH-HUH." "ONE DAY, YOU'LL BEG ME TO MAKE YOUR OWN PIE." "JOEL, THIS IS JERRY." "I HOPE YOU GET THIS BEFORE" "HI." "OH, YOU JUST CAME IN." "LISTEN, UH, I CAN'T MAKE IT TO THE GAME TONIGHT." "I, UH, HAVE TO TUTOR MY NEPHEW." "YEAH, HE'S GOT AN EXAM TOMORROW." "GEOMETRY." "YOU KNOW, TRAPEZOID, RHOMBUS." "ANYWAY, LISTEN, YOU TAKE THE TICKETS." "THEY'RE AT THE WILL-CALL WINDOW." "AND I'M REALLY SORRY." "HAVE A GOOD TIME." "WE'LL TALK NEXT WEEK, OK?" "YEAH." "YEAH, I DON'T--FINE." "FINE, BYE." "TRAPEZOIDS?" "I KNOW." "I'M REALLY RUNNING OUT OF EXCUSES WITH THIS GUY." "I NEED SOME KIND OF EXCUSE ROLODEX." "LET'S GO DO SOMETHING." "WANT TO GET SOME FOOD?" "WHERE?" "I DON'T CARE." "I'M NOT HUNGRY." "LET'S GO TO ONE OF THOSE CAPPUCCINO PLACES." "AND DO WHAT, TALK?" "WE CAN TALK." "I'LL GO IF I DON'T HAVE TO TALK." "THEN WE'LL JUST SIT THERE." "OK, I'M GOING TO CHECK MY MACHINE FIRST." ""PICKING SOMEONE UP AT AIRPORT, JURY DUTY," ""WAITING FOR CABLE COMPANY."" "OK, JUST HAND THAT OVER, PLEASE." "OH, WHAT IS THIS?" "IT'S A LIST OF EXCUSES" "FOR THAT GUY HORNECK" "WHO'S AT THE GAME TONIGHT WITH MY TICKETS." "I HAVE THAT SO IN CASE HE CALLS," "I JUST CONSULT IT, AND I DON'T HAVE TO SEE HIM." "OH, GOD." "I NEED IT." "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" "I GOT SOME FOR YOU." "I DON'T NEED ANY MORE." "NO, THESE ARE GOOD." "LISTEN." ""YOU RAN OUT OF UNDERWEAR" "AND CAN'T LEAVE THE HOUSE."" "VERY FUNNY." "HOW ABOUT, YOU'VE BEEN DIAGNOSED" "AS A MULTIPLE PERSONALITY?" "YOU'RE NOT EVEN YOU." "YOU'RE DAN." "I'M DAN." "CAN I HAVE MY LIST BACK, PLEASE?" "HERE, HERE." "GOD, JERRY SEINFELD, I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU'RE DOING THIS." "THIS IS ABSOLUTELY INFANTILE." "OH!" "WHAT CAN I DO?" "DEAL WITH IT." "BE A MAN." "OH, NO." "THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE." "I'D RATHER LIE THE REST OF MY LIFE," "THAN GO THROUGH THAT AGAIN." "HE WAS CRYING" "TEARS, ACCOMPANIED BY MUCUS." "YOU MADE A MAN CRY?" "I NEVER MADE A MAN CRY." "I KICKED A GUY IN THE GROIN ONCE, AND HE DIDN'T CRY." "I GOT THE CAB." "A COUPLE OF TOUGH MONKEYS." "HI, ELAINE." "YOU MISSED A GREAT GAME TONIGHT." "GAME?" "KNICK GAME." "HORNECK TOOK ME." "TWO ROWS BEHIND THE BENCH." "WE WERE GETTING HIT BY SWEAT." "WAIT." "HOW DOES HORNECK KNOW YOU?" "LAST WEEK, WHEN I GAVE YOU THE PHONE." "HE'S REALLY INTO MY PIZZA PLACE IDEA." "THIS IS TOO MUCH." "WHAT PIZZA PLACE IDEA?" "YOU MAKE YOUR OWN PIE." "THAT SOUNDS LIKE A GREAT IDEA." "IT WOULD BE FUN." "KRAMER!" "YEAH!" "PERFECT." "HEY!" "OK, UH, WHO WANTS MEAT LOAF?" "NO, THANKS." "NO, NO." "NO?" "IT'S GOING TO BE HOT IN A MINUTE." "SO, I THOUGHT YOU WERE TUTORING YOUR NEPHEW." "OH, WE FINISHED EARLY." "I'LL BET." "SO ARE YOU GOING TO INTRODUCE ME" "TO YOUR NEPHEW?" "ELAINE BENES, THIS IS JOEL HORNECK." "HI." "WHOA, NELSON." "THIS IS ELAINE." "I THOUGHT YOU GUYS SPLIT UP." "WE'RE STILL FRIENDS." "HMM." "SO..." "THANKS AGAIN FOR THOSE TICKETS," "BUT NEXT WEEK, I'M GOING TO TAKE YOU." "HOW ABOUT NEXT TUESDAY?" "YOU, TOO." "OH, NO, NO, TUESDAY'S NO GOOD" "BECAUSE WE'VE GOT, UH, CHOIR PRACTICE." "RIGHT." "I FORGOT ABOUT CHOIR." "WE'RE--WE'RE DOING THAT, UH, EVENING" "OF EASTERN EUROPEAN NATIONAL ANTHEMS." "RIGHT." "YOU KNOW, THE WALL BEING DOWN AND EVERYTHING." "WELL, WHAT ABOUT THURSDAY NIGHT?" "I MEAN, THEY'RE PLAYING THE SONICS." "HMM." "THURSDAY IS NOT GOOD" "BECAUSE WE'VE GOT TO GET TO THE HOSPITAL" "TO SEE IF WE QUALIFY AS THOSE ORGAN DONORS." "YOU KNOW, I SHOULD TRY SOMETHING LIKE THAT." "YOU REALLY SHOULD." "WELL, LET'S JUST TAKE A LOOK HERE." "41 HOME GAMES." "SATURDAY NIGHT WE'VE GOT THE MAVERICKS." "IF NOT, NEXT TUESDAY--LAKERS." "YOU GOT TO LIKE MAGIC, RIGHT?" "LET'S SEE." "ON THE ROAD," "ON THE ROAD, BACK, BACK ON THE 14th" "THEY PLAY THE BULLS." "YOU CAN'T MISS AIR JORDAN." "CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY COLUMBIA TRISTAR DOMESTIC TELEVISION" "I'VE COME TO THE CONCLUSION THERE ARE CERTAIN FRIENDS," "THEY'RE ALWAYS YOUR FRIENDS," "AND YOU HAVE TO ACCEPT IT." "YOU SEE THEM, YOU DON'T WANT TO." "YOU DON'T CALL THEM, THEY CALL YOU." "YOU DON'T CALL BACK, THEY CALL AGAIN." "TO GET THROUGH TALKING WITH PEOPLE" "YOU HAVE NOTHING IN COMMON WITH," "PRETEND YOU'RE HOSTING YOUR OWN LITTLE TALK SHOW." "PRETEND THERE'S A LITTLE DESK AND CHAIR THERE," "AND YOU INTERVIEW THEM." "THE PROBLEM IS THAT THERE'S NO WAY TO SAY," ""IT'S BEEN GREAT HAVING YOU ON THE SHOW." "WE'RE OUT OF TIME.""