"Good morning, Joseph one," "Joseph two, Joseph three, Joe..." "Hey, Joe." "Ow!" " Dad?" " Yeah." "Is that you?" "I need you in here." "Is that you?" "I need you!" "All right, I'm coming, I'm coming." "Oh, god." "Dad!" "Dad?" "Ben?" "You're just inches away from the shoe." "If you just reach a little more..." "No, my back..." "I threw out my back and I'm in a lot of pain, Ben." "I don't know what's going on here." "Do you want me to push you over or something?" "Oh, god." "Is that better?" "Oh, man, this is so bad!" "Well, you shouldn't go bending down into places where you..." "No, you know what it is?" "You get to a certain age, you can throw your back out doing anything." "Yeah." "And I'm at that age." "That's why you've gotta be careful what you're doing." "You gotta think ahead." "Okay, well, let's think ahead for a second." "I have some pain killers in the medicine chest." "Now, dad, don't throw drugs at the problem." "That's not the first thing you should do." "Well, what should I do?" "You should throw money at the problem." "Okay, I will pay you $20 to bring me those pain killers." "That's the right attitude." "Okay... you know what else I could use?" "Is a hot towel, and, um..." "You're not giving birth." "It feels like I am and I feel like it's twins." "I wish you would, I'd love a brother." " I mean, you're in the position." " Yeah." "All I have to do is lift your legs, and maybe something will come out." "I'm not saying it's gonna be a human being." "Here." "Okay." "Oh!" "Give me the other one." " All right." " Thanks." "Just swallow, don't chew." "I might as well take one with you while I'm here." "Ben..." "Not even gonna kill me." "No, somebody has to be alert, and I nominate you." "You know what's good for a bad back?" "What?" "You don't know how to make hash browns, do you?" "What?" "Hash browns?" "You know, when I hurt myself," "I want all this comforting food." "Dad, I'm not gonna cook for you." "Oh, that's right, I forget..." "The union won't permit that." "Make me a egg!" "Don't make me come over there!" "I'm standing right here, come and get me." "Argh!" "I don't think it's a good idea for you to even dispense therapy while you're on heavy medication, y'know?" "Well, that's why I'm gonna take it really easy today." "You know, just gonna do the classic "uh-huh."" "Don't push yourself." "And maybe once I'll throw in a," ""Did you hear what you just said?"" "But that's it." "I'm not gonna take it any further because I'm not in that kind of condition." "Hey, Ben, can I give you some advice about the passing lane?" "Yeah." "It's not a good place to do all your daydreaming." "Dad, I happen to be a pretty fine driver, you know?" "Just smooth and easy." "Yeah, like this." "Ow, that's the thing you don't wanna do." "Don't slam on the brakes." "Exactly, like that." "Or take any hard turns." "Oh!" "Coming through." " Hey, Laura." " Hi, Laura." "How are you?" "I'm gonna put you down right here, dad." "Okay, this is perfect." " How you doing?" " You okay?" " Yep." "Everything all right?" "I'm gonna let you down gently." "Watch your back." "All right." "There you go, lean against the desk." "Laura, you're gonna have to give us a couple of minutes here." "I just gotta get my father set up." "He hurt his back today." "Mm-hmm." "I feel like a puppet dictator, you know?" "Dad, don't talk!" "You're right, I'll try to pace myself." "So, Laura, I mean, I guess..." "I'm gonna turn this over to you now, so it's your responsibility to take care of my dad for the rest of the day, 'cause I gotta go do what I have to do today, and then I'm gonna come back." "But that means that I'm gonna give you this list, and he needs his back pills." "Three every two hours, right?" "No, two every three hours." "Okay, whatever." "And just make sure there's not..." "If there's an excessive amount of pain he's in, you give me a call immediately." "And what are you gonna do?" "I'll field that call." " Remember Moby Grape?" " What?" "The band Moby Hrape?" "How many pills has he had?" "They really had such an unusual approach to rock 'n' roll." "He's had a couple." "That's my motto." "I don't know how effective he's gonna be today." "Yeah, I think maybe he should just take the day off." "I'll call your patients and I'll cancel all the appointments." "I can do that, I do it all the time." "I think I might actually enjoy seeing some of these people today, for the first time, you know?" "It's gonna be like a whole new job for you." "Can I have some of those?" "It's Ken Rogerson to see Dr. Katz." "It's nice to see you again." "Mmm." "Could you take a seat, please?" "Well, you know, I'm doing a little better." "I'm getting over the fact that a lot of people don't like to talk to me." "Thanks." "Well, I recently got divorced." "Mm-hmm." "I knew there was gonna be problems." "I'm part Irish and I married a woman from England, and that accent's real cute for about a week." "And, you know, I mean, that whole Irish-English thing hasn't been working out that well." " No." "For, like, 900 years now." "You know, once every six months," "I'd blow up her car." "And she would take that personally?" "Yeah, you know, and I like hockey and football and beer, and, you know, she liked the opera and going to those flea markets." "You know what I'm talking about?" "Those yard sales, garage sales, you know, those trash for cash things?" "And she would buy stuff 'cause it was a dollar." " Right." " No other reason." ""Why'd you buy that?"" ""It was a dollar."" ""Yeah, but it's broken."" ""It was only a dollar."" ""Well, I see your logic." "One can never have enough cheap, broken stuff around the house."" "Yeah." ""Say, pass me that cracked ashtray." "Why don't we give the cordless lamp a whirl?"" "Hey, Laura, how's the patient?" "He's with your father." "Hmm?" "No, no..." "Oh, no, I mean, my father." "How's his back?" "Okay, I guess." "He was in a bad way." "Mmm..." "Well, everything's okay." "I mean... his back..." "Was not good." "Right." "Everything's okay now." "How does a guy like that get a bad back?" "I mean, he doesn't do much." "Well, I think that's probably how." "But how do you hurt your back from doing nothing?" "I mean, I thought you hurt your back from heavy lifting." "If you do nothing enough, then it..." " Then something's bound to happen." " Yeah." "It's my philosophy of life." "I don't worry about death." "I'm pretty sure I'm gonna die in my sleep." "What really makes me angry is I know right before I die, the alarm will go off." "You know, I could have slept straight through, but, no." "I was thinking about being cremated when I died, but I think the thing to do if you were cremated would be to have your friends, you know, and the people you love just, you know, take big handfuls of you" "and throw 'em at people you hated while you were alive." "You know, that creep at work." ""What the heck is that?"" ""Ken says see you!"" "I came here to drop off some stuff for my dad to help with his back problem." "I brought him a box of chocolates and a gift certificate to a record store." "Thought that would cheer him up." "Okay, well, you can just leave it here, and..." "I brought a hot water bottle." "You might have to heat it, because I, you know, I came from home." "Mm-hmm." "But I tell you something..." "It felt good on the way over." "Last Thanksgiving, I shot my own turkey, which I didn't think was gonna be fun, but, you know, it was pretty fun." "There's something about it." "You know, that shotgun going off." "Blam, blam!" "Everybody at the supermarket just staring at me." "Yeah." "And, boy, I'll tell you what, when you're in a supermarket and you're carrying a shotgun, you rarely wait in line." "Ow!" "Lordy mama Mia." "My back!" "Ah, it'll be all right, woo, it's just my back." "You know, the sympathy pains." "Sympathy pains?" "Oh, yeah, I get 'em all the time." "It's because of my caring nature." "Oh, man, I could use a little help over here." "But I do have no luck, no luck." "I was in las Vegas." "Oh, that must have been fun." "Oh, I don't know, I'm not a real good gambler." "Y'know, I can't play any game where you have to add fast." "Yeah." "You know, I'm at the 21 table, going..." ""Hmm, nine and seven."" "You know, and they're just scooping my chips off the table." "And, boy, you gotta watch out there, huh?" "'Cause in Vegas, you know, food is real cheap and booze is free." "Boy, they want you strong and wasted." "After a while, I was sitting there, going, "Hit me!"" ""Sir, this is a roulette wheel."" "Oh, it appears I've wandered off." "I bet they're looking for these babies at that other place!"" "It's so weird to me." "You know, these people come in here..." "They come in here to talk about their psychological pain, but they don't notice the fact that I'm sitting there in enormous pain." "I'm not looking for their sympathy or anything." "I just... it's weird that nobody has mentioned anything to me, you know?" "The only one who's been at all sympathetic to this pain is really you." "What?" "Hi, dad, I called to check in." "I'm actually feeling a little better." "Did you use your hot water bottle?" "I did, but you know what?" "It sprung a leak." "Oh." "But I have been doing some stretching, and that's really been helping." "I'm thinking about going back into yoga, and, you know, I used to compete." "I could do a full lotus for 45 minutes without blinking." "Wow, that's a record." "I came in third in the state." "I didn't know that was a competitive sport, yoga." "Oh, yeah... it's vicious." " I can imagine." " Vicious!" "Some of these guys get so relaxed." "I have this reoccurring nightmare that I'm gonna have a kid and then leave it on top of my car." "You know, it's 25 below zero, and you have to go out to your car, and you have your coffee in one hand and your kid in the other." "Right." "And you have to set both things on top of your hood to get out your keys." "I mean, what are you gonna go for first?" "But, you know, you can't drive off with your kid on top of your car, 'cause if you do, then everybody cries child abuse." "Glass houses!" "Yeah." "How's the job hunt going?" "I actually tried to work in an office, and I just don't understand how people can work in those office environments with those really perky office people." "I've heard about those people." "That woman who just is really upbeat and sort of organizes all the extracurricular activities for the office." "And every time you get to work Monday morning, she's just in your face." ""I've got the birthday card for Vickie." "It's Vickie's birthday, everybody sign the card." "I made brownies in the back room... shh, it's a secret!" "Shh, shh!" "It's a secret!" "Shh, it's a secret!" "Really, we're gonna have a baby pool!" "Super Bowl!" "Pick your team!"" "It's like..." "You know what?" "Vickie quit." "You gotta get a life." "I'm doing a one-man show of" ""The life and times of Clarence Birdseye and the invention of frozen foods."" "It's a musical!" "Mmm." "Yeah, I wrote all the songs and everything." "I'm from the old school so I took tap and ballet and voice." "So I can do it all." "Really?" "♫ frozen foods frozen foods ♫" "♫ my eyes have seen the future and it's frozen foods ♫" "♫ frozen foods ♫" "If you want your kids to abstain from sex, yet you want them to have the knowledge about sex..." "Right?" "The answer is simple:" "Use reverse psychology." "Because I know if I was in junior high school, if my mother would had sat me down one day and said..." ""You know, Lizz, your father and I love sex!" "God, I can't stop mounting your dad!" "He's a beast!"" "I would never stop throwing up." "And then there's, like, a fast-talking agent who's trying to get Clarence's word to the public and it takes place in the '40s so he's very..." "There'll be this great scene where they see a piano being raised into somebody's apartment, just like they do in those old movies." "And I'll be like, "Hey, fellas!" "You mind if I use the piano for a minute?" "I gotta show my boy a little something!"" "♫ tan tan tan tan tan tan... ♫ and then there's a big dance number, like in Fame, outside in the streets." "But it's all me." "You know, so I have to..." "That's the part I'm having difficulty with." "Mmm..." "I was gonna make it a one-person show, but if I can get this guy, Elvis Costello," "I'm gonna have him sing one of the numbers." "Yeah, it'll be like... ♫ Oh what am I to do now the recipe is gone ♫" "♫ they've stolen my food recipe ♫" "♫ and I'm so..." "I can't go on... ♫ something like that, you know, I mean..." "You know, Dr. Katz is telling me that I should really give it up and get real and get on with my life, because it hasn't worked after all these years, but this is so encouraging from you." "Really?" "You're the only one who understands me." "Are you seeing anybody?" "Hello?" "Boy, I feel so stupid, you know?" "Why do you feel stupid?" "Just hurting myself like this." "You know, I should know better." "Well, how'd you hurt it?" "Doing something I should not have been doing at my age." "Oh, I know what that is!" "I wish." "How do you know what that is?" "'Cause I'm his age." "There's nothing kinky involved, believe me." "Well, what were you doing?" "Sports related." "Sports related?" "Well, it's not a sport as much as a game." "It's a game I play with myself called "How many socks can I pick up in 30 seconds?"" "Hey, Stanley, thank you so much for the ride." "I really appreciate that, you know?" "No, it was my pleasure." "That's what friends are there for." "I mean, you would do the same for me." "Well, let's play a game." "This is called, "How far would you go for a friend?"" " Okay." " Oh, I like this." "I like this." "Let me give you a scenario, okay?" "Okay." "I'm choking on my own vomit." "Right now?" "No, wait, let me start again." "If I told you I needed $20,000 or the mob was gonna rub me out..." "Uh-huh." "...would you guys be there for me?" "Yeah, I would do my best." "I would try to raise that money and..." "Do they take, like, discover?" "Mmm..." "What about..." "Let's say we're in a boat, we're in a rowboat, we're stranded at sea, and we're taking water." "We're going down?" "We're sinking?" "We're going down and somebody has to abandon ship." "Stanley, would you help me lift Julie?" "I'm kidding." "Julie, I am, I'm kidding." "I'm leaving you." "I don't care how many Percocet you've had." "I'm leaving the boat." "I hope you guys make it back and tell Ben I loved him." "Ben, what is this shiatsu book doing out here?" "Well, you know, I read up a little bit on maybe how to help your back." "Yeah, I mean, I appreciate your concern, but I think you've got the wrong approach here." "Dad, I'll tell you something..." "The eastern techniques, even though they're ancient, they still pack a wallop today." "Well, you know," "I have western stress-related lower back problems." "Right." "That's why, really, I think the right choice for me is a more traditional narcotic." "But, dad, you don't know until you've tried this." "I don't like the idea of being your Guinea pig." "Well, dad, you won't be a Guinea pig on this." "I tried it, actually, on myself, and it was damn good." "Okay, I'll give you 10 minutes." "I think the first thing that I have to do here in order to center your energy, is I gotta stick both my fingers in your ear, all right?" " Wait, wait..." " Just stay still." "Stay still!" "Okay, go ahead, go ahead." "All right, you're a big idiot." " I can't hear you." " You're a big idiot." "I can't hear you." "You're a big idiot." "I can't hear you." " You're a big idiot." " I can't hear you." "How did that feel?" "It didn't feel bad, you know?" " Shut your eyes." " Okay." "I'm giving you the finger." " I heard you, Ben." " Sorry." "Okay, why don't you tell me what you're gonna do before you do them?" "We'll go through the major points of..." "Okay, so you do the sheetsu, the shiatsu." "The shiatsu." "And then we take a break, we have a big dinner, and then we get right back into it for the next stage, which would be aromatherapy." "And that means I use certain herbs and aromas in order to clear your head." " Oh, that sounds okay." " Yeah." "Why don't we start there?" "'Cause I don't think you could do that much damage with that." "All right, smell this." "Whoo, I take it back." "That's just to wake you up." " Smell this." " Yeah." "We should do some laundry!" "I'm sorry." "If you were here two hours ago, dad, while I was reading up on it, you know, this would have worked out fine." "Would you mind getting me a couple..." "A couple of pills?" "No, dad, come on." "We'll work this through before we hit the pills, but we're gonna hit the pills." " Okay." "Well, I'm doing a little better now." "I cut down on my drinking." "I mean, I used to live in Boston, which is really a drinkers' town." "There's just so many reasons there." "Like the weather." ""Hey, what's the weather out?" "Sucks."" ""Well, let's drink, then."" ""All right!"" "I mean, there's so many reasons." "Like the Boston marathon." "I mean, really..." "When I first moved there, my friends would go, "Hey, do you wanna go over to the house on Monday and get real drunk?"" "I'd go, "Yeah, what's going on?"" "Oh, some guys are gonna run by."" "Well, I'll do that..." "Is there a lot of 'em?"" "I'm doing some community service now." "I have to go around and do these little talks about drinking and driving." "And I don't preach about the drinking and driving, but I speak from experience." "I got in a car accident about 15 years ago." "I hit a lake." "Whose fault?" "Yeah, I thought the road seemed slick!" "I'm thinking, "Woo, they've had some rain here!"" "I don't care how good you can BS" "You're really not gonna talk your way out of an accident of this nature, you know?" "State troopers sloshing up to my car." "And the cop, god love him, he asked me, "Have you been drinking?"" "I'm thinking, "No, I ran out of gas." "I think with a full tank I could have made it across."" "You know, I don't know..." "These cops, they make me a nervous wreck." "I always screw those tests up, you know?" "Finger to the nose." ""Oops." "You weren't real specific on that."" "I mean, I have trouble with cars." "I think that goes back to my father, again." "You know, Dr. Katz?" "He was a mechanic." "I don't know anything about cars." "You know, and he would always ask me, every time I would go to his house..." "To this day he'll ask me..." ""How is the car running, Ken?" "Running good, dad." "How is it doing on oil?" "Well, the light hasn't come on yet." "Get your car ready for winter?" "Oh, you bet, dad." "You know, I put some hot chocolate in the radiator and taped up the window."" "Well..." "people tailgating..." "i can't stand that, 'cause when I'm not in a hurry, then they shouldn't be either." "A lot of people slam on their brakes, which is so foolish, you know, try to get the people from tailgating, get 'em off their back." "No, I carry a stuffed dog in the car." "People get too close," "I just roll down the window and toss him out." "Oh, they hang back after that." "Ken, you know what the music means." "Our time is up." "Well, music means so much to so many people." "I think the music means I'm not cured." "I feel like a kid again, you know?" "Yeah." "It's like the "Elephant on the toe" theory that your mother used to tell you all the time." "You know, why it feels so good when an elephant steps on your toe?" "Why?" "'Cause when it gets off..." "It feels so much better." "Yeah." "Well, that's the way I feel." "I feel like I've been born again." "Yeah." "My back is back, the kid's back." "You know, I think I did a pretty good job helping you out over the last few days." "You did, you did." "I mean, maybe I could do it professionally..." "I mean, not just for you, but for a couple other people?" "You mean be a professional masseuse?" "Well, I think maybe one of the helping professions." "Some kind of caregiver?" "What do you have to do to be in the helping profession?" "Help people." "Forget it." "Okay..." "I didn't know that, I thought it was rhetorical." "Yeah, so..." "I think with a little more reading up on how to give a proper massage," "I could do it for a living." "Who's stopping you?" "I think the sky's the limit." "I mean, just on you..." " Because I don't wanna touch anybody." " Yeah." "You know, but I could give you one once a day." "You know, 60 bucks a session..." "That's how much a year?" "I can't do the math either, but..." "I think that's over $30,000 a year, tax-free, 'cause, I mean, it will be off the books." "No, I'm gonna have to declare that as an expense." "Dad, give me a break, I'm starting a new business."