"Welcome to "Have I Got News For You", I'm Sue Perkins." "Relaxing on holiday after handing in his resignation, the boss of Volkswagen lets his wife have a drag on his pipe." "At an assessment centre in Carlisle, there's evidence that the" "After his report into airport expansion is thrown out by David Cameron, Sir Howard Davis admits he may have over-reacted." "As the media scrutinises his every move for blunders," "Jeremy Corbyn takes time out at his friend's electrical a comedian who says she cried at the end of Bake Off." "I was inconsolable, I'd put 50 quid on Tamal to win." "And with Paul tonight is the man recently chosen as the" "Labour candidate for London Mayor." "Charismatic and good looking are just two of Zac Goldsmith's attributes that he's going to "need" "And we start with the bigger stories of the week." "It's not a U-turn." "That's the shadow Chancellor, John McDonnell." "That's" "George Osborne." "This is the fiscal charter, which was John's clever plan to give the impression he was going to support it." "But really we were going to oppose it." "We are going to call it what it is." "It's a" "U-turn on supporting George Osborne's charter for budget responsibility." "Can anyone tell me what Osborne's charter is?" "He's trying to make law the fact that you have to run a budget surplus even in good times." "It is a ridiculous idea." "Basically it's bollocks." "Is that a political term?" "The Chancellor's target was balancing the budget by 2020 and running a surplus in every year of normal times." "We've got tens of billions of pounds of deficit, so George Osborne is breaking his own rules." "Would it have been a good idea to say that originally?" "It is not the means that matters, but the ends." "And we got there in the end," "Ian." "I know!" "You are the politician, but I always thought the opposition was there to oppose." "Two weeks ago the Labour conference John McDonnell said, Labour would support Osborne's plan." "Why did he say that?" "No shilly shall." "It was part of the cunning plan." "I don't think this Baldrick thing is going to work!" "It is a gimmick, it is complete rubbish, so we'll go to the chamber and support it, because it's nonsense." "So you are saying the Labour Party said, it's a trap, we are not falling for that, we are going to climb in it." "And then getting out, yep, it is a trap." "How did he describe Labour's decision..." "Embarrassing." "That one?" "Was he a Dalek?" "He just kept saying, embarrassing, embarrassing." "It was like, stop saying it, you're on telly!" "It was like he was having a" "Fal function." "Sadiq, do you think it's embarrassing?" "Had I know I would be doing this show the Friday after I would probably have said no to this show." "We could be any week in the next 12." "APPLAUSE." "So there was a meeting of the parliamentary Labour Party on" "Monday night which is Daily Telegraph described as heated." "Why was that?" "It's getting cold." "When October comes..." "APPLAUSE." "Apparently seven members stormed out when McDonnell announced his decision to reject the charter." "One MP said it was the worst most scathing meeting of the parliamentary Labour Party I have attended." "Ben Bradshaw said. ." "A McDonnell spokesman described the meeting as quite positive." "Were you at this meeting?" "No, it was one of those meetings that I missed." "Is that true?" "The words of plausible deniability." "So a lie then." "And Sadiq organised Ed's campaign, so we can trust him." "It's going to be a long night." "Not as long as his." "Do you think, my theory..." "Is this the next question?" "We are teasing it out." "Do you ever feel that maybe this is all your fault?" "APPLAUSE." "Honestly, that Bake Off image has gone for good!" "Have you ever nominated George Osborne for the leadership contest?" "You didn't, did you?" "Nominated Jeremy Corbyn for the leadership contest?" "You didn't vote for him did you?" "." "So you nominated Jeremy Corbyn?" "Yeah." "And then you didn't vote for him and went for Andy Burnham?" "Yeah." "You made it sound like it was a trick question." "This week we find out what" "Jeremy Corbyn's long-standing private engagement was which prevented him meeting the Queen." "What was he up to?" "He was having fish and chips in fort William on holiday." "He's just smuggled six bags of cheese and onion crisps." "Because he wasn't at the Privy Council, he can't be told about threats like Syria, is that right?" "He doesn't get a security believing until he turns up." "He'll have to go at some stage but didn't go this week." "Who here has been to a Privy Council meeting?" "I have." "What's the initiation ceremony?" "You swear and oath to" "Queen." "Is there any kissing or kneeling?" "I did both." "Was told those are the rules to get in." "So you kissed the hand?" "Are you supposed to brush your nose with it?" "Nobody told me, so I kissed her hand." "I was told afterwards I was supposed to..." "Sorry, you met the Queen Australian supposed to do this?" "Finally, why might Labour's deputy leader, Tom" "Watson have been a bit too distract this week to notice his party imploding?" "He's on full time paedo duty." "He's roaming around the country shouting through people's windows, paedo!" "I can see you in there." "Paedo!" "Unfortunately some of the people he's shouting at aren't paedos, which is a problem for him, and everyone else." "This is the" "Labour Party beginning to fall apart with just five nail-biting years to go before the general election." "Diane Abbott attempted to defend" "Labour's U-turn on Radio 4's Today programme but according to the" "Times.." "Lead manager in trading service and provide Saudi" "Arabia..." "It was us sucking up to the Saudis again and finally someone called their bluff." "This is Michael Gove." "Effecting the Government's" "U-turn over supplying Saudi Arabia with consultancy advice for their prison system, worth ?" "6 million." "Why has Cameron U-turned?" "Has he only just realised that Saudi Arabia executes 200 people a year?" "No, he was aware of it before, but didn't care." "The Labour Party have raised this issue." "Jeremy Corbyn issued it in his speech in Brighton and lo and behold you have this U-turn from the Government." "He challenged Cameron about the deal, when Saudi Arabia were planning to behead a teenager for looking at the internet." "We did a deal with the Saudis that we would back them joining the human rights Security Council of the United" "Nations provided they backed us." "This sounds a bit squalid." "Saudi is a member of the United Nations but dedisagree with them about the punishment routines, about the death penalty, about those issues." "They are not the right sort of people to be doing any sort of a deal on human rights." "We totally oppose their record in that area." "But why did we do it?" "I've answered the question." "Well, that isn't an answer, is it?" "APPLAUSE." "Was Saudi always called Saudi Arabia?" "It was given to the" "Saud family by King Saud." "It was as though England was known as Liz land." "Get a ride on the Duke of Edinburgh!" "Can I just say, if Her" "Majesty is watching, I apologise profusely for what your subjects are saying." "She's not watching this, she's watching peers Morgan on Life" "Stories." "If she is watching, she'll say, that's the man who rubbed my hand like that." "Who wants Britain to stay abroad?" "Richard Branson, sensible people." "People who like us to have jobs and growth in this country." "You made a distinction between Richard Branson and all sensible people." "Any other prominent names?" "What about Jeremy." "He's got a bit of form on wanting to leave." "I think you'll find we are definitely in favour of staying European, this week anyway." "When can we expect a solid answer?" "I think you've heard it here tonight, we are going to campaign to stay in the EU." "This is breaking news, you've decide it on a comedy panel show?" "All former Prime Ministers they are in." "They all agree." "Who haven't they got but who they really want?" "Mary Berry." "Couldn't possibly get her views on Europe, mainly because you can't get a sensible word out of her after 8 o'clock." "Who would really sale the deal?" "Boris Johnson." "Indeed." "He went to a trade mission where?" "He's?" "Japan." "What did he say that the press seized on in Europe?" "He said, the price of getting out of Europe has never been lower." "Don't know if he travels EasyJet..." "Where has Britain been falling down on our dealings abroad?" "Is it war?" "We've come up short in a war?" "We didn't turn up?" "I thought I said he led one." "In terms of diplomacy what might you do when you visit a foreign land?" "Take a gift of some kind." "According to Anna Soubry we've given poor quality gift." "We've received nice gift." "Who what was the Queen give no-one Fiji?" "Was it Fiji?" "I've got one of these." "Not a lake but something that perhaps is in a whale." "A whale." "What bit after a whale?" "She's got bits of whale?" "Bits of a whale." "You can't get a whole with whale." "That's a massive gift." "It makes sense, it's the whole whale!" "But you have to pretend you don't know what it is when but unwrap it." "Is it a bike?" "That's a thing when gift wrapping a whale, would cover the blow hole or not?" "I think you have to." "For reasons of national security." "Otherwise would be giving it away." "Your Christmas present has just eaten 500,000 tonnes of plankton." "It was not a whole with whale." "You are saying it is not as bad it wasn't a whole whale." "Was it just his eyes?" "No, slightly more." "Was it a whale tooth?" "It was." "I like to think they painlessly extracted it and let it go on its way." "This is for the" "Queen." "They did it nicely, with music playing in the background." "Whale music." "To calm him down, sounds like hundreds of his peers are watching." "How big would a whale's tooth be?" "You would have to adjust the chair." "What do the islanders of Tana in the South" "Pacific give the Duke of Edinburgh?" "Was it the rest of the whale?" "I can tell you this clue." "I don't think he had already got one of these." "Was it a Wham album?" "They gave him a straw penis sheath for the man who has everything." "Who has a straw penis presumably!" "Who has been giving a gift to the Russians?" "This is a bad one." "From the Russians to President Assad." "Russia has been bombing all of his opponents, including, on occasions, Isis." "Four missiles landed in?" "Iran." "Amazon missile, they were not in, so they just went next door!" "LAUGHTER This is the government's U-turn on the Saudi prison contract." "Britain is in a row over a prison deal and the attempt to flog one of our citizens." "Saudi Arabia is not a safe place for someone to drink alcohol, because if you do get drunk you cannot even get your wife to drive you home." "And so to round two, the one-armed bandit of news." "Fingers on buzzers, team, here's the first one." "This is the news that from now on there will be no more nude women in" "Playboy magazine." "Why?" "They are going to use actual rabbits but with human ears." "Rabbits will be serving you drinks." "We all know this, the reason..." "LAUGHTER" "You will know this." "It is down to online pornography." "Scott Flanders told reporters:" "Just one click, Ian." "Who are they now trying to appeal to?" "Is it younger people?" "Specifically?" "Children?" "Big job for Tom Watson." "They want to appeal to young, urban males." "It is a kick in the teeth for all of those rural masturbators." "An" "American woman, her nephew ran to her arms and shouted" I love you"" "and as he landed on her he broke her shoulder and she is suing her nephew the ?" "250,000." "A woman in the US, who took her nephew to court, has been awarded zero damages." "Common sense has prevailed!" "She claimed her nephew left with a broken wrist." "A lawyer claimed:" "Crucially, as part of the evidence, how was aunt Jenny still suffering from a hug?" "She finds it impossible to carry out a Nazi salute?" "You are on the right track." "She told the court at a recent dinner party she found it:" "That was just." "This." "LAUGHTER" " that was just for starters." "He went straight in, put on a pair of trousers, and that was that." "If only he had got as far as the trouser shop commie actually got stuck and then got caught." "On the plus side, he did win the Turner prize." "crossword. crossword." "What does that mean?" "I bring you news..." "Have I Got News" "For You!" "This is the news that The Times have finally printed their long-awaited sequel to their 1930 Latin crossword." "They probably wanted the one person doing it time to finish." "LAUGHTER" "The questions are a mixed of mildly cryptic clues with the answers in" "Latin. 22 across is particularly hard." "I do not even understand the clue." "As you maybe this is the kind of thing you would get at a new grammar school." "And they would knock it off in 20 minutes." "Does anybody know about the government's plans to approve the first grammar school in 50 years?" "It is the extension of a school in" "Kent." "Did you go to it?" "You think I went to a grammar school!" "LAUGHTER I'm so terribly sorry." "We have had some rude people on this show!" "Forgive me!" "This is the news that as part of their fightback against the decline of print journalism, The Times have published a Latin crossword." "It's hoped that this new puzzle will raise interest Sadiq Khan, Michael Portillo," "Jon Snow and a blue bastard fish." "This is about bastards." "I thought you all had teeth missing." "Jon Snow from Game Of Thrones." "Please, do the voice again." "Michael Portillo was described as a bastard by John Major when he rebelled." "Sadiq Khan describes the whole electorate as bastards when they did not elect Ed Miliband." "Isn't that true?" "It isn't." "So you didn't say that?" "I didn't." "So this story isn't true." "There is no link." "But that fish is a bastard." "Bastard is right, but who is the odd one out?" "The fish." "Sadiq." "They all called bastards, except for you, because you called voters bastards." " they are all called bastards." "So how are you planning to get the bastards back on side Did you hear the quote from Boris" "Johnson?" "That they were going to rack, sack, and crap London's problems." "LAUGHTER" "In 1993 Michael Portillo, along with two other MPs, was called "a disloyal bastard" by then Prime Minister, John Major." "Speaking about the incident in 2013, what did Mr Major have to say" "I was absolutely accurate in what I said, and I wish I had used stronger language." "Nearly." "Major followed his outburst over the bastards with a reference to Lyndon Johnson's maxim about J Edgar Hoover:" "Tent-wise, we're just the same with Mary Berry." "Jon Snow is a royal bastard from the kingdom of Westeros on It is a firm hit with politicians." "Anybody hear a fan?" "What intrigues you?" "With Playboy gone, that is all there is." "It is just the violence, I will be honest." "According to the Daily News, the blue bastard is a member" "Time now for the Missing Words round, which this week features, as its guest publication, Merry-Go-Round-Up." "What made no mention is of merry-go-round?" "It is a famed writer." "A renowned diarist." "Bridget Jones!" "LAUGHTER She said they were V V V good." "The magazine have criticised Samuel Pepys for somehow missing out the advent of a carousel." "They are furious." "Marches in the Czechoslovakia!" "LAUGHTER" "What is the worst thing a German forestry Minister could do?" "Set fire to a tree." "Yes." "Finally:" "And the landlord says, that will be" "?" "5, and the doc says, do you get many ducks in here?" "I'm not surprised if you charge ?" "5 a pint, and that is the end of that." "Drink spiked, a door comes in, says, I'm sick of you hanging around here. -- drinks pint, a dog comes in." "It does not specify what the act is, but it is worrying that the duck has to be drunk to do it." "But, before we go, there's just time for the Caption Competition." "There is going to be a duck down the pub tonight." "He goes anywhere near my pint, he has a bow tie on, I don't want him around here." "On which note, we say thank you to our panellists, Ian Hislop and Roisin Conaty Paul" "Merton and Sadiq Khan." "After Australia top their group in the Rugby World Cup, one fan After Robert Heston defects to ITV," "Nick hopes he will finally get a go with the wig." "Who is this dangerous renegade, this maverick,"