"Hi, you've reached Noah and Clare." "Leave a message at the" "Hi, it's Mom." "I hope I'm not bothering you." "Happy Halloween." "You probably work now so you can just call me when you get home." "I mean you actually don't have to call me and tell, you know it's obviously not important," "But if you want to call me, please feel free to." "I just wanted to ask you..." "Shit..." "I can't remember why I called now." "Anyway, I'm sleeping so much better with this new prescription and my jaw only clicks now when I yawn or chew." "And I, You know what." "I remember why I called now." "Do you have my VCR manual in..." "Hang on a second." "My toast just popped." "Hold on, Sammi." "Who's on the phone now?" "What's that, uh?" "!" "Who's on the phone?" "!" "What do you mean?" "Somebody's on the phone?" "!" "Hello?" "Hello?" "There's nobody on the phone, Gene." "I think your mom's messages are kidding shorter." "You know how people worry about their mothers dying?" "I worry mine's gonna live forever." "There must be another exercise I can do..." "Who's the physical therapist, Bob, you or me?" "You..." "All right!" "Keep those knees up!" "We'll see some high step in!" "Work that ACL!" "Noah, your mom's on line one." "Tell her I'm busy, would you?" "Doing great, Bob." "You look like an antelope here." "Cooper, I need you in my office." "Now" "Technically, Dana, it's your dad's office, not yours." "Yeah?" "That's what he thinks." "Today, Cooper." "That's good, Bob." "Take a rest." "Thank god..." "Dad, I have Cooper here." "We need to take your ticket, then I have me first class on the website." "Didn't I tell you five" "Dana!" "What time are we doing the Cooper thing?" "He's here now." "Put him on." "He is." "Hello, Ralph." "All right, no small talk." "I've asked Dana to meet with you to discuss the mission you have." "Dana." "We've been watching you as Head PT now for several months, and it's become increasingly clear that you're not meeting company standards." "Show personae case of number." "These are the billing guidelines that have been established for you." "And these are the actual totals that you've billed out." "Quite a discrepancy, wouldn't you say?" "Oh, I would say these goals are completely unrealistic." "You're the boss now." "I didn't get the memo." "Look, I told you before, Ralph," "I'm not going to over bill patients for you." "It's unethical." "Are you calling me a fraud?" "The bottom line is this." "We've given you plenty of chances to get with the program and you failed." "I'm sorry to say this, but-Actually, I'm not" "We're gonna have to let you go." "You're firing me?" "You're just one germen, genius" "It's not a reflection of you as a person." "How is that not a reflect on me as a person?" "Have your testicles even descended yet?" "Did he just say testicles?" "I built this office for you!" "Every doctor that refers patients to us is because of me!" "Every supplier connection is because of me!" "Christ, I hit the bang winning home run against Silverman's Orthopedic All-Stars and won a championship for you!" "Only because I got a two-out hit in the ninth and kept the inning alive!" "Yeah, I guess the shortstop had a prosthetic leg!" "You hit it to his weak side!" "That's no pride." "Go to hell, Cooper!" "I never want to see you in my office again." "Dana, call security." "Gladly." "Calm Down." "What's that noise?" "Are you all right?" "Don't let him take the spin!" "But the wise little Alice was not going to do that in a hurry." ""No, I'll look first," she said, for she had read several nice little stories about children who had got burnt, and eaten up by wild beasts, and other unpleasant things," "Sorry guys." "Sorry!" "Sit tight!" "OK?" "Mrs. Cooper's class." "Hello, Mrs. Cooper, it's me." "Hi me." "So I have some good news and somebad news." "What happened?" "The bad news is I got fired." "But the good news is I'm gonna start my own practice two years ahead of schedule." "Ralph fired you?" "No, Dana did." "Ralph was on speakerphone." "Oh my God!" "What an asshole." "Look, honey, I'm really sorry, but I'm in the middle of class right now." "Can we talk it later?" "Yeah, try not to get fired, OK?" "One of us should have a job, I think." "Happy Halloween." "Goodbye." "Oh, how's it going?" "Pretty good." "Great." "Who are you?" "Myron Stubbs." "You know I'm Clare's cousin from Indianapolis?" "She said I could stay here a few days for this writing seminar I'm going to." "Oh, right." "I thought that was a couple of weeks." "Yeah, it got moved up." "So I called her from the airport to find out where the spare key was." "I never would've guessed." "I'm Noah." "Nice to finally meet you." "Nice to meet you." "Can I ask you a question?" "Is that my toothbrush next to your toenail clippings?" "Is it?" "Oh man, I'm sorry." "I forgot mine at home." "So I just Yeah, it's a simple mistake." "You know what." "I'll just go buy one." "That's okay." "You know what." "Keep it and think it as a Welcome to our Home gift." "Really?" "Right on." "Thanks." "Trick or treat!" "Who is this?" "Oh, look at these." "Straight from Villa Villekulla." "How excited Happy Halloween." "There's my unemployed man." "Hi." "Does my cousin get here okay?" "Yeah, he went out for a while." "He said He'd be back in a minute." "So are you serious about what you said about starting your own practice right now?" "Yeah." "I mean what have I got to lose, right?" "I've got experience, I'm clearly executive management material." "So, what do you think?" "Can we go to the Honesty Zone?" "I would love to." "I've always thought you'd be great running your own practice, you know that." "But you haven't had the most stable job history." "This is a lot responsibility." "Wow, I haven't thought that." "Thank you." "Maybe that's because you were too busy trying to avoid accountability by making a joke of everything." "Does it feel like the HonestyZone's not quite as constructive as it used to be?" "You know, look, I support you no matter what." "I just want you to be sure this is the right time." "I think I can really do something great with this." "And it'll only take a few months to get started, so in the meantime, honey," "I can call Donnie to get my old job back so we don't starve." "Are you sure?" "He said I could come back if I wanted to, the hours are flexible and the pay's not terrible." "Okay, and that's the plan." "I like you." "Trick or treat!" "Mom?" "Marilyn, what's the matter?" "I'm fine, I..." "You know I'm probably happy, I don't wanna bother you." "Hey, where's Dad?" "Oh, him." "He's at home." "We had a really big fight but Don't worry about me because I'm absolutely fine." "I'm just going to a motel room." "I'll find one." "Maybe you should stay here tonight." "Or come in for some coffee and we'll call around for vacancies" "And somehow the night's..." "No..." "I don't really want to intrude you, darling." "I just stopped by to say hello to you." "Just sort of to give you the thumps up of everything." "You know what I'm saying." "It's no big deal and come on in and use the phone." "Check hotel for vacancies." "We're not taking no for an answer, You're staying with us tonight." "That's so sweet." "Alright, Hartanto, we can stay!" "Go Sammi." "Go." "Out of the car." "Sammi" "Oh..." "Great..." "Great..." "Where is..." "Oh, don't worry." "We will gather" "You are such a sweet and little blessing, Hartanto." "It's Hoo Nong Yo, not Hartanto." "That's OK." "Don't worry about it." "Just place them everywhere." "But be careful that." "That's glass one." "Be careful though." "Don't worry." "It's OK." "It's fine." "I'll come back with other ones." "This guy is not too smart." "I realize you only brought the essentials." "I think." "That's good." "Yeah, I know." "Honey, what are you supposed to be, a French vampire?" "Check it out, your neighbor's giving away King Size Snickers." "Hello." "Hi, Clare!" "My goodness." "It's really happy to see you." "Anyway, I'm feeling a little cooped up." "Is anyone hungry?" "My treat." "When was the last time you washed your hair?" "It looks kind of greasy." "I think it's your diabetic retinopathy." "To be honest." "Oh." "It's not greasy." "Look, how succulent everything looks." "OK, sweetie, I'll take that." "Yes, egg salad is for me." "And this one right here had the cheese sandwich on." "Yeah let her" "And this big guy had the Spanish Omelet." "I think she knows." "She took the order." "Can I ask you?" "Do you know if the cheese on the omelet has reduced fat?" "I don't know." "Can you please check?" "Because you see we have high cholesterol and diabetes in our family." "Sure." "Can I get you anything else?" "I'm a diabetic and sometimes diabetics have very large babies." "My son was ten pounds." "Oh My God!" "No, we're great, thank you." "And I'm sorry you have to hear the miracle of this." "And mine..." "O.K." "Is it just me?" "Or did she seem like she was high on marijuana?" "You can tell me what's going on with you and dad?" "Can you please pass the salt, Myrelle?" "Thank you." "It's Myron." "Oh." "Myron." "Actually I kind of like Myrelle better." "It reminds me of Gone With the Wind." "Normally black movies don't hold my attention, but I liked that one." "And I like The Jeffersons." "Honey, how is your omelet?" "I haven't tasted it yet." "Can I have a little bite?" "You know just a smidge." "Yeah, you can tell me how it tastes." "Honey, Can I have a bite." "All crazy." "Oh, get a big bite." "Do you like it?" "Do you like my omelet?" "Actually..." "Should I have gotten ham?" "Oh, that's succulent." "So are you going to tell me what's going on with you and dad" "No?" "How was school today, Clare?" "It's great." "We have a costume competition today." "There's a runoff between Freddy Kreuger and a Crayon." "Freddy Kreuger won." "OK." "You know what." "There you go." "Thank you, honey." "You are so nice." "Myron, what do you do for living?" "I'm a screenwriter." "No!" "That is so interesting." "I'm working on a horror Sci-fi project set in the jungles of Vietnam." "Lt. Tom Dawson gets infected by Agent Orange-infected malaria, then mutates into a descent violent but misunderstood creature driven to insanity by the horrors of herbicidal warfare." "That's unreal." "My original title was Mansquito, but that's already been taken" "Oh Yeah!" "So my working title is PTSD, which is Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or Destroyer." "That's provoking." "It's presuming" "You know the Fly." "Excellent!" "Sounds like it'll really capture the authentic Vietnam experience." "But with a sci-fi hook, exactly." "Half Commando..." "Half Mosquito..." "Total Terror." "My God!" "That sounds so exciting." "Sounds Great." "I really like to read it." "How much do you get paid?" "Well, I don't get paid until I sell it." "But I did send a query letter to William Morrison to see if they want it for Snipes." "Wesley Snipes?" "Wow!" "Isn't that one of your favorite black actors?" "I don't wanna talk about." "How is everything?" "Oh succulent." "Isn't it, everyone?" "Oh, hey" "Do you like movies?" "I love them" "Oh my god" "You should tell her your idea, Myron." "Lt. Tom Dawson gets infected by Agent Orange-infected malaria" "Oh, come on." "Oh my god." "Clare, I'm so sorry." "That does Bad!" "Hello?" "Is your mother there?" "That I'm warning you, you might be kicked anger Never mind," "I hear my answer shitting on your floor." "OK." "What's going on?" "She said you got in a fight, but every time I asked for the answers." "She ignores me." "How should I know?" "We're handing out candy one minute and the next she's yelling at me in that ridiculous pumpkin suit." "What did you do?" "Just put her on the phone." "Mom" "No, I am not getting him on the phone." "She doesn't want to talk." "That's a first." "Who is it, Gene?" "Is it her?" "No, it's your unemployed grandson." "What's that have to do with anything?" "I'm just stating the facts." "I guess not everyone's lucky enough to work at the post office their whole lives." "It's not luck when you earn it." "Look, whatever." "She's staying here tonight." "You guys can talk tomorrow." "Don't bet on it!" "She just fell, didn't she?" "Yep." "I hope I'm not putting you out, Myron?" "No." "I'll be fine on the couch." "Spit it put, Sammy Higgins." "Spit it out and we'll see." "So all these guys have the same name?" "They're part of my home dog rescue." "I have average about forty a year, and that's why I call everyone Sammy Higgins." "It's easy to remember and it helps me keep a detached professionalism when they get adopted." "Right on." "Well, I hope you feel better." "I'll see you in the morning." "I guess." "Wonderful." "Good luck at that writing seminar tomorrow!" "Thanks!" "OK" "Bye." "Myron" "Myrilan, Is this yours?" "It was just laying on the living room floor." "Thank you so much." "It must have fallen down of my bag." "What the hell is that thing?" "It's just a lighter, Relax." "Do you know what I do?" "I used it to scare people like you if you sneak up on me." "Wouldn't it be safer just carrying some mace?" "I tried that once, but I ended upmistaking it for my Binaca." "Come here." "No, I'm going to sleep." "You're going to sleep?" "Oh, I'll see you tomorrow morning." "Please tell me if everything you want." "Call me if you want this turkey." "Gosh, you know what's funny?" "Yes." "I do." "What's funny is my head's still throbbing, but the fall snapped my shoulder back into place." "I got to to remember to tell my Pain Pals about that right now." "Yeah, Mom, maybe you should go to bed because it's getting late." "And it's been a long day." "You want to play Scrabble?" "I brought my dictionary." "Oh, no." "But maybe tomorrow." "Okay," "OK." "Good night." "Noah, hug me as hard as you can and show me how much you love me." "Harder." "I don't want to disarrange that shoulders because..." "Nice to meet you." "Noah?" "Yeah?" "You forget to say good night to Sammy Higgins." "Good night, Sammy Higgins... es." "Look how much he loves you." "Good night." "I love- you, too." "Oh my god..." "Come on, she's only here for one night." "I wish they'd just get a divorce and put all of us out of our misery." "Is my hair really greasy?" "No, not really." "Sometimes." "She's just so needy one minute and critical the next." "Why don't you tell her that." "I think it would hurt her feelings." "Maybe I could pay someone to do." "Do you wanna make five bucks?" "Good night, honey." "OK" "Honey." "What?" "Honey" "What is it?" "We're supposed to do the deed tonight." "Oh, does that start tonight?" "The next four." "Oh, cool." "Do you think maybe we should hold off until we settled for the whole job thing?" "And that would be when exactly?" "Why are you in sure that you are in ovulating?" "Yeah, it's what the calendar said." "Tonight or tomorrow." "Okay..." "Look, if you're not up for it, do not up for it." "I'm not up for it." "It's just been such a crazy day." "Okay, we'll do it tomorrow, I guess." "Twice." "Yeah, all right." "As if." "OK, Thanks." "Spoony?" "Clare Bear, I'm so tired." "Spoo-oo-oo-ny?" "Baby, I just want to stretch out, OK?" "Pull your head out of your ass," "Babe, I want to be held." "It's Ok." "It's OK." "It's OK." "It's me." "Honey, are you OK?" "I'm fine." "Go back to sleep, honey." "Mom?" "Myron, you're having a dream." "Go back to sleep." "I'm sorry." "It's OK." "It's alright." "Just sit down." "We'll" "You alright" "Save the remodel for later." "Are you hungry?" "Is it the way you wake me up?" "Do you want me to make you some toast?" "I think your father's having an affair." "It's okay, Sammy Higgins." "Go on back to bed." "What are you talking about?" "That's why we were fighting about." "I confronted him and he lied to me, so I left." "I left, and now I'm all alone, and I'd do just about anything right now to get my hands on an apple fritter." "But..." "Neve mind." "I'm fine." "I'm perfectly fine." "I just gonna Hey, sit down." "Are you sure Dad-Put his thing into another woman's thing and it felt good and then he did it again and then he probably saw or felt her boobs in the middle of all that?" "Yeah." "It's pretty clear to me, yes." "Alright, come on, Mom, there's no way Dad did that." "You actually see him doing this?" "A woman knows." "Trust me." "It's like when you look at a person and you know they're gay." "You can just tell." "Right..." "look," "I think we're both really tired." "I mean we should go to bed and talk about this tomorrow." "I need a place to stay until I can decide what to do." "Now maybe you might know somebody who could take me in for a couple of weeks?" "A couple of weeks?" "Could get sure to clear my head?" "I... uh... maybe there are YWCAs..." "Those are nice." "Hmm..." "OK." "Okay." "Okay." "Okay." "But listen to me." "I need you to promise me that you're going to be good." "No prying, no chaos, no insanity, no circus routine." "You are going to like this." "I want to see this." "I promise." "You are not gonna even know I'm here." "Scout's honor." "That's not the Scout's honor." "That's something like Star Trek." "Good night." "Thank you." "Thank you." "I'm gonna be so good." "Honey, she wants to stay for two weeks." "Really?" "I guess that's okay." "Doesn't she have anywhere else to go." "No." "But how am I going to screen her calls if she's living with us?" "She will break down all our happiness of this house." "Believe in my words." "Don't be such a drama queen." "It's OK." "Just go to sleep now." "Honey, I'm too worked up now." "I need to get BJ to calm down." "Nice try, good night." "Good morning, Captain." "What are you doing?" "Guess what?" "Breakfast is ready." "Can I get this place some privacy please?" "!" "Uh oh." "Here comes the Grumpy Bear." "I'm twenty-nine year old." "I'm not playing Grumpy Bear." "Nothing stops the Grumpy Bear but a big smile." "When was the last time you washed your bedspread?" "OK." "Out." "Go." "Go." "What do you think, the stink police?" "Get the creatures out of here." "Alright, Sammy Higgins." "Let's let your grumpy brother get dressed." "Come on." "He's not my brother!" "He's a dog and I'm human being." "And my sheets are not even..." "Oh my god" "Max, I need a minority villain sergeant, please." "Is he a lovely Indian?" "No." "He's peaceful." "Morning camper." "There's some carob chip pancakes on the stove there." "Thanks." "Could you not smoke in the house, Mom?" "How did I raise such a funny son?" "You're crack out with jokes, sweetie." "Is he African American?" "A little stale." "Max" "Myron, I thought your writing seminar was on today." "Yeah, I got a push back." "Is he Portorican?" "Excellent, Max." "Fresh new take." "What is that thing?" "It's a new voice recognition script writing program called Max 9000." "He's my digital collaborator, watch." "Max, I need a name for my new minority villain sergeant." "Max 9000?" "Try again." "Victor Escobar?" "Perfect." "Wow, writing is easy." "You're telling me." "Isn't it sweet to make Myron take care of Sammy Higgins." "I think Myron has some paralyzing social deficiencies." "So much fun getting out of the house and be with my son." "Here we go!" "Mom, What are you?" "!" "Pick that up!" "What, oh..." "You're not Tiho Wuanita." "Come on." "I've obeyed the rules all my life." "If I want to throw a little trash on the ground occasionally," "I think I've earned the right." "That makes zero sense." "To you maybe." "Listen." "Just go do your shopping, and I'll come find you after." "OK." "Turkey Lips." "Don't call me Turkey Lips." "Okay, Honey Buns." "I love you!" "Knock'em dead!" "Sorry!" "Thanks again for seeing me on such short notice." "Hey, what are former bosses for?" "So, the wife's good?" "Yes, very good." "Kids?" "Not yet." "Clare's pretty eager though, ... so we've been trying." "Boy, I do know what that's like." "The Mrs. Wanting to settle down and nest." "Bringing spousal pressure on the head of the household to buckle under and procreate." "Not a fun place to be in if you're not ready to have kids." "Do you know what I mean?" "Between you and me, there's plenty of things you can do to lower your sperm count." "Simple things." "Excuse me?" "Oh yeah, I delayed conception for months." "I took scalding hot baths, wore tighten underwear... anything to sap those nuts." "Of course, rubbing one out before sex is the best way to deplete viable sperm from your load." "Good to know." "Thank you." "So, anyway," "I was surprised to hear from you." "I thought once you became Mr. Physical Therapy you'd be done with the carpet industry forever." "Well, after I graduated from school, I worked a few years for" "Carpet Bazaar, Donnie Booker's speaking." "Go ahead, I'm listening." "Me?" "Oh." "So, after college," "I worked for a number of private practices..." "Uh huh." " And although I gained a lot of valuable experience," "I found that environment just wasn't for me." "Uh huh." "So now I just, I'm looking for solid employment" "You know" "Uh huh." "Right." " And since you said I always had a job here," "I thought I'd take you up on your offer." "Blue." "Your recent firing would ordinarily be an enormous red flag to anyone with half a brain." "I have two halves, and I believe in giving people a second chance after they've thrown away the best years of their lives." "If you think you're ready to take it to the next level, Mr." "You can fill out some paperwork and start today." "Im ready to take it to the next level and beyond." "I guess all I can say is take your shirt off." "I'm kidding." "Welcome back to the Bazaar." "Thank you." "That's really a good joke." "Thank you so much." "You're welcome." "Thank you." "See you tomorrow." "I mean it." "Thank you." "Mr. Donnie." "Mom, mom, what are you doing here?" "!" "I just got a job!" "Where?" "!" "Right here." "They need a sales assistant, someone to write up orders, schedule deliveries things like..." "No, no, no, there's not way they need anyone like that." "I got done shopping so I came in because it was so hot outside." "Oh, remind me to ask them when them cleaned the air conditioning filters last." "Because you know what" "You can get Legionnaires Disease if something" "Mom!" "Mom!" "Mom!" " What?" " Focus." "What happened was I got talking to Donnie and he thought I'm gonna be perfect for the job, and I could use the money so I thought why not?" "Can you believe it?" "!" "I haven't had a job since I worked at the House of Peanuts before you were born." "And now we're going to be co workers!" "Hug me hard!" "OK" "You know, darling." "It's your apartment." "Take care of it." "Good morning." "I'd like to welcome everyone to Carpet Bazaar orientation." "Alright, cut the crap." "We're going to watch a safety video, then move on to a tour of the facility." "Excuse me, Donnie." "Do we have to watch this video?" "I mean, I've already seen it." "What color is my lamp?" "Your lamp?" "What color is my lamp?" "Gold." "That's right." "Its gold." "Im the owner that means I make all executive level decisions." "What color is your lamp?" "His is silver." "That's right, it's silver." "Good initiative, Marilyn." "Thank you." "Silver means assistant manager, which means assistant level decisions." "Yours is bronze." "No decisions." "Put your hand down." "The following safety video contains information that may one day save your lives." "I suggest taking notes." "He seems very knowledgeable." "It only takes a second." "But watching the vide feels like a lifetime." "Oh my god." "What's the message of that?" "Don't drive a wood panel station wagon on the weather blizzard." "Hey, you guys." "I'm in here." "Help!" "Help!" "Honey, heart goes out." "To the actors?" "It's..." "But..." "Oh also you'll see the yearn of the actress in this video" "Shhhh, Donnis could come back." "He may quiz us." "I want to be the person who knows what my job is in requirements." "We also have some new product lines" "You'll have to familiarize yourself with immediately." "That should be a rewarding challenge." "Pop Quiz." "How many square yards are there in a twelve by eighteen foot piece of carpet?" "Thousand?" "Twenty-four." "Looks like somebody's already forgot his conversions." "OK?" "Don't let me down again." "Hi, honey." "Hi Donnie." "Incidentally," "I presume you can maintain a professional working relationship with your mother?" "Yeah, about that." "I'm a little concerned she lacks any qualifications whatsoever." "I'm an incredible judge of potential." "She'll be fine." "But she hasn't worked since the peanut" "Shhh." "This is learning time." "Take this opportunity to learn." "OK." "What's the most important thing about sales?" "I'm pretty sure it's friendliness." "No, the up-sell." "Come on, shake the cobwebs out, man." "Okay, quick refresher course." "See the lady over there?" "I'm going to up-sell her, and youre gonna watch me." "Understand?" "I think I'm starting to." "She's looking at Berber, but she's leaving with Multi-Frame Wilton." "Watch and learn." "Go, Cheese." "I see you're looking the Berber." "Yes." "It's very nice." "But if you wanna go classy." "You must look this one down here." "It's Multi-Frame Wilton." "Hmm..." "Check it out." "Hmm... that feels nice." "Yes, that's probably the best carpet we have." "I'm gonna try not to be involved this." "Look down the bottom." "Can you see it?" "You may need to bend a little bit." "Right there." "Is he Samoanan?" "Hello" "Home again, home again, jiggity-jig." "I don't know about you, but this working stiff could sure use a cold one." "Make mine a double." "Sperm are dwindling..." "It's occupied!" "It's me." "Your mom needs some Tums, she ran out." "Just taking a shower." "A very mild and soothing shower." "You're not playing soapy worm, are you?" "Ha ha, you caught me." "I'll be out in a minute." "It's just so much fun to be part of a team." "Oh you know what, Clare." "We get a 10% employee discount on every 2500 square feet of carpet that we purchase." "True." "And they have a big picnic every June, and they have a competitive softball team, Myron." "It sounds like you're really enjoying yourself." "You would be so proud of Noah out there today, even though he didn't talk to me very much." "I figure he must be working on his work when his customer service, not intentionally ignoring his mom." "Yeah, I was really proud of me, too." "Cause there was a moment I'm gonna be honest that I'm a over qualified and useless at the same time." "And then I saw the gigantic piece of the carpet, and I realized that the genie would be bottled in here the whole time..." "I think I'm the wiser for it." "I had a nice breakthrough on the script today." "Did you?" "In the middle of a village raid searching for mercenary VC," "Tom Dawson starts to grow a syringe-like proboscis" "Excuse me." "Slaker, weird nose." "Well, I guess his attention span isn't what it used to be." "I just had a lot this moment, I..." "Oh my god, I have to get ready for my Pain Pals meeting." "They're gonna be here in any second!" "Clare, Dinner, Yummy" "Did you make any desert?" "In the fridge." "Right on." "So anyway, I've been eating a lot of chocolate, which I know doesn't helped my blood sugar level, and the chewing is causing my TMJ flare up." "Can you hear that?" "Listen, here we go." "Oh, no" "Horrible!" "Marilyn." "I do exactly the same thing." "Oh, honey." "You know about my son, Noah." "Hi, Noah." "Hi there." "Dear, do you think you could take a look at Barbara's foot?" "Her G.P." "Says she has fallen her arches but she feels like she needs a second opinion." "She should really see a podiatrist about that." "It's just a little peek, Noah." "It's been so difficult getting around on the bus lately." "I'd really appreciate it." "Well, since you're riding mass trans, so I'll look." "Thank you, Sweetie." "I am worried about her." "Oh, dear, look that, honey." "Oh, right here." "Oh, that, Oh, that's the..." "We were so sorry to hear about you losing your job like that, but don't worry about it, honey." "I'm sure you're gonna land on your feet." "Did you hear that, Myron?" "Could I see you outside, please?" "Excuse me, girls." "What are you going to do, Marilyn, hide out here forever?" "I'm an independent woman now!" "I've got a job!" "Is she serious?" "Yeah, with me." "Good!" "Now you can pay me back for that refugee kid you send money to every month!" "It's a scam, you know!" "Don't you dare talk about Joaquin that way!" "Joaquin?" "Last year, wasn't it the Nastone." "Jesus" "What are you looking at?" "Would you calm down, please?" "I don't want to calm." "Would you please not upset the Pain Pals." "They're very rootages." "I don't wanna calm." "I want my wife to live where she's supposed to." "That's a dream we all share, but obviously she's mad with you." "She said you I know what she says." "Did you" "Do you think any other woman besides your mother wants my salty prune bag?" "You want to see it?" "I'll prove to you how disgusting I am." "I'll take a rain check, OK." "Is that my extension cord?" "No, it's mine." "Are you sure?" "Yeah, believe it or not." "I own my extension cord." "Oh, but mine has a green little tab by" "Would you focus?" "On what?" "On how she gets to make wild accusations?" "She has too much time on her hands." "She does nothing but invent problems for herself." "She reads too many spy novels!" "It's better than watching Strategic" "Air Command all the time!" "Mom, just stand out of it, OK?" "Listen, if we're gonna make her home, you must move on to talk to her like an adult." "You know what?" "I think I'm through talking for a while." "You take over." "See you, Noah." "OK." "Hey." "Dad, don't be stupid." "Bye bye!" "She knows where to find me." "You people are out of your minds." "It's all in your head, you hear me?" "That's the spirit!" "Way to find common ground!" "How's it going?" "These banks want to loan me anything with my credit." "What about asking your dad?" "Maybe he could co-sign or something." "My guess is he'd side with the banks." "Do you think he's really cheating on her?" "No, I think my mom just needs chaos in her life to function." "I don't even know what I'd do if I found out you were doing something like that behind my back." "In the bedroom?" "They come all the way off." "Could I get two minutes to brush my teeth?" "OK." "Give me the winner." "Too thin, Oh Geez, Oh yeah" "This is a rock." "OK." "Let's go quick." "Noah, What's wrong?" "Nothing." "I'm fine." "Honey, you're pulling my hair." "I'am Sorry." "OK, come on." "Guys?" "Is there an extra pillow in there?" "Mine's really uncomfortable." "Yeah, as uncomfortable as a motel room?" "Right on." "What?" "!" "Noah, are you sleeping there?" "Yes, I'm asleep." "OK, good." "Cause I don't wanna bother you if you're asleep." "If you're asleep I really don't think we should talk." "Mom?" "What?" "Spit it out." "Did you set your alarm for work tomorrow?" "Yes." "Good." "Okay, I'm just checking, because you know." "I don't have a clock in my room." "And I'm excited about work tomorrow so I can't sleep." "And I took the wrong medication, so I'm a little keyed up." "OK." "I need you to go back to your room and not come out the rest of the night." "Can you can do that for me?" "Oh, sure." "Natch." "No problem." "And don't you worry about a thing." "And I didn't hear you're doing that." "I don't understand how you can let a few minor distractions ruin everything." "See if you can tell me what word" "Doesn't belong here." "Son, Mom, boner." "Whatever." "The Fertility Wizard says for the next two nights are going to be the peak of my cycle." "So we have to do something both nights, okay?" "Sounds so romantic." "I have to be up early." "Spoony?" "Grow up." "Hey!" "Hey!" "Hey!" "Stop!" "Stop!" "What's up?" "What the hell are you doing?" "!" "Uh..." "I'm going to the supermarket." "I found that I need some soy beans." "It's one o'clock in the morning!" "Okay, alright." "You know, I'm going over to your" "Father's house." "You're going to spy on him?" "I'm not going to spy on him," "I'm just going to discreetly monitor some of his activities." "That's all." "See, this is what I'm talking about, you always stir things up." "Just get out of the car." "You know what?" "You can ignore" "What's going on if you want to." "But I need to go do this." "So you can either come with me or" "You rolled the windows up." "Isn't that obvious to you?" "Why don't you get in the trunk and let's have a conversation." "Anything out of..." "What are you doing?" "Get in." "See, there's nothing going on." "We've only been here five minutes, be patient." "You know you look better from inside." "Maybe you should move back in and call me with a full report." "I mean you really think dad's going to bring another woman back here?" "With Grandma around?" "Let me tell you something." "Helen's no fan of mine." "Maybe She's covering for him." "Maybe She's getting paid for her silence." "I really don't know." "Who's paying her?" "Zero one-thirty-four." "Nothing to report." "Do you want some corn nuts?" "No thank you." "I've got plenty." "Thanks anyway." "They're high in fiber." "I'd love some." "Great." "Do You know what I got." "I've got Ranch, Jalapeno and Barbeque." "You're surprising me." "OK." "One Ranch coming up." "Oh, what is it?" "Oh my..." "Wait a minute." "Wait a minute." "Never mind" "Dad's got a sex with her in a little chair inside." "It's just Satan." "Your father would never admit it, but she runs his life." "Sometimes it's easier to take the path of least resistance." "Trust me on that one." "Zero-one-thirty-five, mother-in-law confirmed inside residence." "What are you laughing, hey?" "That's very impressive lingo there, Condor." "You know, you make fun of me, but I've read a lot about how the CIA operates." "I know how they do business at the highest levels of government." "In fact, if I got in a situation at the Pentagon" "Do you even hear what you're saying, the Pentagon?" "I'm certain based on everything Ive read, that I can find my way around and get out of a jam." "I'd need a Glock though." "You know I'm so happy that I was recruited for this mission." "I think the top brass is going to be really impressed with our results." "You know." "You think that I really enjoy this?" "Is that what you really think that I like spying on my husband?" "I've known Gene since I was sixteen years old." "He is my whole entire life." "And if I stopped..." "Never mind, you know what." "Let's" "Let's just go." "Surveillance ended zero-one-thirty-six." "Rise and shine, Twinkle Toes!" "Today is the first day of the rest of your life!" "Wow..." "Bye bye, Sammi." "Bye Myron." "Bye" "This also comes a red oak." "Oh, wait." "Sorry." "OK." "OK." "I used to using coffee." "But you could use it in oil." "Mom, hit it." "Come down here." "Look at it." "The dirty is like disappear." "Disappear." "Mom." "Mom." "Mom." "Hey guys." "What are you doing here?" "I was just in the neighborhood." "I thought I'd stopped by and say hi." "Sometimes when you get some responsibilities." "You can't let it gone." "Don't you have the whole responsibility to make the whole..." "Is your mother still being your mother?" "She's trying to figure some things out, I guess." "Would you like me to hand you a glass of water, Grandma?" "What are you watching?" "Strategic Air Command." "Honey, I just did tell you." "Why are you fast forwarding?" "I skip all the scenes with June Allyson." "She does nothing but bitch." "That's June Allyson for you." "Look, there was another reason I stopped by that..." "Yeah, what's that?" "Well, I've decided I'm going to take a crack at running my own physical therapy practice." "Uh huh." "And I was wondering since the" "Bank's not really in a position to loan me anything right now, if you like to invest a start-up money, or cosign for a small business loan." "We would be like partners." "What do you say, partner?" "There's a lot of things I would do for you, son, but investing money in you isn't one of them." "I've already got a lifelong credit liability with your mother," "I'm not ready to take on er protege." "I'm not doing this like this way." "Being a wife as a pilot." "Maybe Grandma could loan me some." "Oh that's right, that's where your your generosity from." "I make practical decisions, not popular ones." "Someday when you have a son, you'll understand why." "Thank you for the pearl." "Okay, so Max, how can Escobar capture Lieutenant Dawson at the Mekong Delta?" "Heavily-armed choppers?" "It's been done." "Yeah..." "No..." "Sounds tired to me." "Giant pest strip?" "That's unrealistic." "OK." "Wait a minute." "So what if..." "How about Escobar orders a napalm strike diversion, and then what if shadow ops ambush Dawson" "OK." "While he's hatching eggs in the rice paddy." "Breakthrough." "Breakthrough." "Ok." "We got that." "Please pass the astronaut ice cream." "Get it over here." "Alright, see you later soon." "OK?" "OK" "Good luck." "Sorry, honey." "We should be quiet." "Hi." "Oh." "What's wrong?" "I just talked with my dad." "He's not going to help me." "That's pretty bad news then." "Yeah, it's bad timing." "I get it." "If my wife wanted to get pregnant and I didn't," "I'd be pretty uninterested in sex, too." "What?" "!" "That is ridiculous." "That news to me." "Because every time we try do something lately you've got an excuse." "Oh, like getting fired, watching my parents marriage collapse, or realizing I'm going to work at a theme carpet store for the rest of my life?" "Those kinds of excuses?" "You know what?" "I'm actual I'm feeling it." "Let's do this, uh?" "I'm gonna take a goal on you." "I know you." "I know when you don't want to do something." "I've been very supportive throughout all of this." "You're so supportive." "The only pregnancy question you've asked in six months is how big are my boobs going to get." "Yeah, because I'm worried about your back." "I don't want you to strain it." "I'm sorry if I care about you." "You are a piece of work." "God damn it." "Oh!" "Oh!" "Mom!" "Get Out of the car!" "What?" "What are you doing?" "Your father's at the bowling alley!" "I should supposed be in that parking lot!" "What?" "What are you doing?" "This is out of rage." "OK." "Listen." "I'm your mother, right?" "I'm not a sort of bright joke." "You think you could just push me around?" "I have the right." "Just go back to your room." "Let me go!" "She was going to a Pain Pals meeting!" "OK." "Listen to me." "My house, my rules." "Rule number one, stop stealing my car." "What are you so afraid of finding out?" "That I'm right?" "Listen to me and listen wide in the first begining." "Because this is my final warning to you." "You can think about leaving this house tonight, or I'm taking you straight to a homeless shelter." "Oh, yeah." "I'm scared." "You know, I wish just once you could see yourself like I do." "I'am thinking about what happened last night, and if I upset you," "I just want to apologize for my actions." "You're supposed to say you accept." "Fine, I accept." "Good." "Now let's go sell some carpet." "Alright." "Yeah." "No." "No." "No." "I know Sir." "I know what you said." "I'd lovely do that." "So, where did you go?" "Hey, so where's your vest?" "Dry tempered." "Excuse me." "It's dry-cleaned." "If I catch you without it again, It's a write up, understand?" "OK" "Now what's going on with the Brisbane order?" "I don't know, my mom's handling it." "Where's your pay for..." "Here!" "I think she'd catch on quicker." "She's a slow starter." "Honey, She's sixty." "She's fired, that's what she is." "What?" "!" "She hasn't even worked here a full week." "She's the worst Caucasian employee" "We've ever had and she's costing me money." "So, I'm canning her ass." "But she's the only one here wearing her vest." "You're gonna fire an employee in a vast?" "Am I running a telethon here?" "The quick ones make it and the slow ones don't." "Darwin said that and I'm sticking to it." "Hi there." "Look, Donnie, she loves" "Excuse me." "It's all she's got." "Believe me when I tell you if you fire her it's gonna destroy her." "You can't do it." "Actually, you're her direct supervisor." "This falls under your domain." "That's a joke." "That's a sad joke?" "No, I don't joke about terminating someone's livelihood." "That I take very seriously." "Ok, you know." "I'm serious now about firing my mom." "I'm not gonna do that." "Look." "Maybe I'm not making myself clear." "I'd like you to do this for me or you're gone." "You need this job, right?" "Do me proud." "Hi, Honey." "Donnie said you wanted to talk to me?" "Yeah, uh..." "Do you wanna have a seat." "I was just reading the employee manual." "It says we get a week's vacation and five sick days after twelve months service." "I've never had that benefits before." "Uh... yeah, so, Mom, I was talking to Donnie," "And he said he's been watching you work the last few days and he thinks your skills might be put to better use in another area." "Oh, really?" "You mean like greeter?" "Well, maybe." "I think you'll be a great greeter." "But I don't think that's what he's talking about." "No." "No." "He doesn't think I'm ready for team leader yet, does he?" "No, I think He feels it would be the best if you work at home from now on." "I don't understand." "How am I going to do that when all the carpet and customers are here?" "I don't think he means working with the carpet and customers anymore." "I don't understand." "What would I be doing?" "You'd be... uh... you'd be..." "Oh, I know." "I would be the telemarketer?" "Fired, Mom." "You are fired." "OK." "I'd be fired." "I'm sorry..." "I tried to..." "I told him how much..." "Right..." "I..." "I guess I wouldn't need this anymore" "OK." "Here." "I'm fine, sweetie." "I'm perfectly fine." "It's not the end in the whole life, world everything." "You know, obviously, someday when you and I look back on this, we're just gonna laugh, Right?" "How'd it go?" "Pop quiz." "How many square feet are in this?" "You're fired." "Do you hear me?" "!" "The third time will not be the charm for you!" "Ha!" "Laugh's on you, Cooper!" "That's stain resistant!" "Mom!" "Wait a minute!" "Cars!" "Mom!" "Wait!" "Mom!" "Mom!" "I need your keys back, chappie." "I'm talking to you, ass." "Hey, So what are you in for?" "I beat my boss senseless with a foam scepter." "I'd prefer if you sat over there." "Sure." "Do you know how much carpet I had to buy to talk him out of pressing charges?" "Three and fifty feet." "Do you have any idea how much carpet that is?" "Four and sixty-seven yards." "That's on top of bail." "If you worked a little harder on your marriage, maybe you wouldn't have to be so involved in my life." "How's that his responsibility, he's not the one who left." "You don't know what you're talking about." "No one knows how hard I've worked on this marriage." "Then why am I in the middle of mediating?" "In case you hadn't noticed," "I've been the only one trying to sit down and talk." "How could he notice, he's too busy landing himself in jail." "OK." "Don't you have a some kind of baking magazine or something to do there," "Look." "I know what you are going through, but she's got to go home." "You have to pick her, not me." "Noah, your mom and I have been at this for a long time." "For a lot of years I used to worry she was going to walk out on me." "Not because I was afraid to be alone, but because I was afraid to find out I liked it." "And guess what?" "I like living alone." "There's no complaining, no fights, no dogs," "I can just be me." "Don't get me wrong." "I love your mother." "She was the sweetheart of my youth and I'll always love her." "Just not sure what's supposed to happen if I don't like her anymore." "Hi, there." "Myron, where did my mom go?" "Monkey sidekick?" "She told me not to tell you." "OK." "Where did she go?" "Downtowner Inn." "Come here often?" "Excuse me, I'm not allowed to talk to strangers." "I'm sorry." "What I'm really sorry." "It wasn't by choice." "I just thought maybe it'd be easier if you feel this is coming from me." "I have to say you have a real delicate touch." "OK?" "I really mean it." "If it makes you feel any better, I got fired, too." "You did?" "Good." "Yo, Tony darling, two dirties." "We're good." "Tony." "Listen." "Let's grab things and Just go home, alright?" "Wasn't I a good mom?" "Of course you were a good mom." "Let's just go, alright?" "Yes, sure, let's just go." "Let's just run away and forget how little Marilyn has accomplished with her life." "Come on, Mom, You've accomplished with your life." "Yeah?" "Like what?" "What have I accomplished besides having you?" "All kinds of." "You know." "Right, nothing." "Not true." "Doing a wife, house-cleaner." "ZERO." "You did a lot of things." "You were very active." "You saved my rat Herman, remember?" "The one with the skin disease?" "Yeah, You could've just put him to sleep, but instead you scrubbed him every day with medicated shampoo." "You saved his life." "That's like my greatest childhood memory, mom." "What?" "Herman's skin kept getting worse and he started having brain seizures." "So one night when you were asleep," "I put him in a coffee can, poked holes in the lid, and stuck him in the washing machine." "And next day I bought another rat and put it in Herman's cage." "You drowned Herman?" "I don't know what to say." "He was suffering." "Your dad was away for the weekend." "I didn't know what..." "That's the worst thing I've ever heard in my entire life." "You pukes a hole in the coffee can and drowns a rat?" "I don't know." "What can I say?" "Is it the best idea?" "OK" "Do you have a friend you could give a call?" "P.S. I did the best that I could with my life." "Is there anything else I need know about?" "Any other lies?" "You wet the bed until you were six, the noise in your closet at night really was a ghost, and you were held back two times in the first grade." "I'm thirty-one?" "Thirty-two." "Thank you." "Thank you." "Thank you." "Thank you, Verlin, that was as lovely as it was haunting." "Next up, please put your hands together for Marilyn Cooper." "Marilyn?" "Just go." "Sing your song" "OK." "Dear." "I'll be here aging." "Oh, thank you." "You owe me three birthdays." "Id like to bring the room down a minute and dedicate this next song to my very special son, Noah." "He fired me from the best job I ever had, but I never accomplished much in life, so it really doesn't matter if my husband fucks another woman." "And I murdered a rat." "Hit it, Lou." "Just try to understand," "I've given all I can cause you got the best of me" "Borderline Take me home!" "I've put him up for 36 years," "Ok." "Just relax." "What's another 36 years next to me?" "OK." "No, No, No, Sammy Higgins!" "Don't eat that!" "Almost there." "This is not my room." "My room is by the ice machine." "Ok" "Thank you, dear." "Just get into bed." "Can you put my nightgown on me?" "No." "Why not, are you afraid of seeing your mom naked?" "Yeah, that's exactly what I'm afraid of." "I got news for you." "OK, but..." "I still have a pretty good body, even though I haven't had sex in five years." "Five" "Sex" "Can I get you anything?" "Can you take me back to 1968 so I could start it all over again?" "No, not this second." "That's too bad." "I'd like to start it all over again." "Good night." "What are these?" "I've been tried some new briefs out." "Try it for more support" "These are like four sizes too small for you." "Oh, that explains a lot." "I must read the label I'll return them tomorrow." "You're trying to sabotage your sperm count, aren't you?" "What?" "!" "That's why it's taking so long." "No, it's taking so long because our schedules don't match on." "You have some serious problems, you know that?" "Okay, you throw an underwear on me." "I think we need to go to the Honesty Zone." "Screw the Honesty Zone!" "I hate the Honesty Zone!" "OK." "Don't dismiss the Honesty Zone like that." "Not cool." "What do you wanna do that?" "You don't wanna find out." "You know, maybe this whole have got so much on my plate routine has nothing to do with your job or your mom." "Maybe it has something to do with me." "This has nothing to do with you." "Don't be ridiculous." "Please." "I need you to be honest with me right now." "And tell me if it's me you're unhappy with." "No, I'm not unhappy with you." "Anything else?" "Have you been trying to keep me from getting pregnant?" "No." "Yes, I have." "What?" "But only a couple of times." "Oh my god." "How could you do that?" "Why are ypu going so upset?" "I'm being honest with you!" "Oh, now you're trying to be honest!" "My life's coming apart at the seams and all you want to do is get on me and grind out like a mechanical bull?" "All you had to do was tell me you wanted to wait." "Yeah, I'm sure that would have fit right in with your species propagation agenda." "My agenda?" "We both agreed to this." "I didn't agree to my wife becoming a single-minded fertility robot." "I need more sperms." "I don't need more sperm, OK?" "Look, I need you to stop putting all these on me." "It's not fair." "I'm not even putting it on you." "It is clearly the baby's fault." "I need you to stop making excuses." "Fine." "What else?" "I need you to" "Done." "I didn't finish." "Let me..." "Oh, I agree." "You talk and I agree." "That's the deal, right?" "You're being stupid and immature!" "I agree again!" "We're in total agreement!" "Look how well we're communicating!" "Out!" "Get out!" "You're not sleeping in here tonight!" "I got bad news for you." "I won't leave this room." "Ha!" "Real mature!" "Sweet!" "My blanket's stuck in the door." "Rough night with the old lady?" "Why are you here?" "Clare said I could stay here for my writing seminar, remember?" "Yeah, that was supposed to last Tuesday." "It got pushed back." "So..." "To when?" "That was three days ago, I've had two jobs since then." "What have you been doing?" "You've just been sitting on the couch in your sofa fantasy land be my mother's little monkey sidekick." "Monkey sidekick." "There is no writing seminar, is there?" "I'm sorry." "Could you say that again into my good ear, please?" "I can't hear you." "I made the seminar up." "You" "My parents kicked me out of their house." "So I've got no money." "I've got no place to go." "That's outstanding." "When exactly were you planning on leaving?" "I don't know." "I'm still working on that." "You're working on it?" "You know what you remind me of that bad movie that's on cable" "At two in the morning." "It's on because something has to fill the void." "That's what your life is like to me, filler and void." "This week on Filler and Void, detective Myron Stubbs finds an unproduced screenplay in his diaper." "Oh, I'm sorry." "Did I dishonor Vietnam Mosquito Soldier?" "You know what I'd like to see?" "I'd like to see Tom Dawson fired by his own platoon." "What do you think?" "Do you think it's a good idea?" "Or should I ask your little friend, Max?" "Hey, Max, what do you think of my great new idea?" "I think it would win Oscar." "Thank you, Max." "You know what?" "Why don't you do us all a favor and write something that actually benefits humankind, okay?" "But do us an even bigger favor and don't write it in our living room." "I know I'm not the greatest writer in the world." "I'm sure a lot of people think the stuff I do isn't very good." "But I enjoy doing it." "It keeps me going." "And believe me, under this confident exterior is a guy with just as many doubts and insecurities as you." "Except you have a beautiful wife and a mother who loves you" "I just have me." "So I'm sorry to stuff what I do if it doesn't interest you very much, but I can't really change what makes me happy." "Anyway, this blanket is extra, so..." "I'll just go blow up the Aerobed so you can have the couch." "Where are you going?" "To search for Yeti." "Can we please talk like adults?" "You bet." "Call me when you find one." "Your mom stole my car." "I mean." "Listen to yourself." "You're acting like I'm hiding all these deep, dark secrets or something." "You are." "You're wearing toddler briefs, you're sabotaging jobs to avoid having kids" "That's not true." "Yes, it is." "I didn't even have time to sabotage myself at the carpet store." "Honey, it's not what on." "You got fired from the carpet store?" "I didn't tell you that?" "Noah" "Sweetie" "Clare Bear" "Clare Bare, Me" "Honey, I was in jail, I didn't have time to tell you!" "Where are you going?" "!" "Holly's!" "Feel free not to call!" "Where are you?" "Holly's or Molly" "Holly's" "Oh my god..." "Mom!" "Mom!" "Nice shot, mom." "Now you're working on a turkey." "Excuse me." "I want to know who she is?" "Was it Phyllis?" "!" "AHH!" "What are you doing here?" "!" "I'm bowling here." "Is it Susan?" "!" "That's who it is, isn't it?" "Mom, let's go home." "Let's go home." "No, I'm not leaving here until you give me an answer." "I've got an answer for you." "Crazy, ungrateful bitch." "You want to hear what the question is?" "You're pathetic, Gene." "It's all in your head, Marilyn." "Oh" "You're an out-of-control dope thing!" "Stay out of it, Grandma." "I tried very hard to give you everything you wanted." "You think that it was money that I wanted." "You think that it was the furniture" "You think I want clothes." "But that's not I wanted." "I want more." "Did everybody hear that one?" "She wanted more than that." "And he put up with your moods and" "Your complaining and your dogs!" "I wanted more of you!" "Maybe we could find a better time to discuss this." "If he can look me straight in the eye and tell me the truth," "I'll leave your house and you'll never have to see me or my dogs again." "Dad?" "What, does Gene have to account for himself yet again?" "I am a respected man!" "I served my country!" "I did what was asked to me!" "Did you or did you not have an affair?" "!" "No, I didn't have an affair!" "It was a one night stand!" "Twice!" "I defended you." "Well no one asked you to." "I screwed up, okay?" "I'm sorry." "But how would you like to spend the last few good years of your life with someone who's always unhappy?" "Who does nothing but live in the past?" "Who can only complain about all the rotten things that happened to her, even though really nothing bad ever happened to you except expecting too much." "You think I wanted a wife like June Allyson from Strategic Air Command?" "!" "Well, guess what?" "You won; t have to put up with June Allyson anymore." "I'll live at his house the rest of my goddamned life if I have to, but I am through with this marriage!" "I need to talk to you, Marilyn." "She's not in a real chatty today, dad." "You know, Gene, it's probably not the good time." "Come on, that's my jacket." " Though we don't always understand why we are taken so soon from this life, dear Lord, much less why we were placed here to begin with, we ask you bless this service and this family." "And everybody said..." " Amen." " Amen." "I've been asked by the deceased's son to open the floor up so that anyone would like to share their thoughts about Helen." "And anyone at all" "Hello everyone." "Uh, what can I say about my grandma Helen?" "Well, for one, I remember how she was ma grandma" "Also, she was a good pers..." ". dresser." "She was a good dresser and she owned some very nice jumpsuits." "I'll miss her very much." "Thank you." "Thank you, son." "Anyone else?" "Well, if there's no one else would like to say anything..." "I'd just like to..." "I'd like to say something, please." "Oh, perfect." "For those of you who don't know me," "I'm Gene's wife, Marilyn." "Well, I'm right now, but not for very long." "But that is not what I wanted to talk about." "In all the years I knew Helen Cooper, she was never very nice to me." "She didn't think I was very smart and she said I talked too much." "Now I know that's a terrible thing to say at someone's funeral, but I spent a lot of time and effort trying to make her like me, and for what?" "So she can make me feel bad, Stick her nose up at me well?" "I don't want to be just tolerated anymore." "So I've decided that I'd rather live the rest of my life alone" "Instead of being surrounded by strangers who pretended they were my family." "I guess that's a little off topic." "Anyway, I would like to say that Helen had a lovely singing voice and she was a very good cook." "Her holiday fudge was second to none." "Thank you." "Well, that was... from the heart." "Is there anyone else who'd like to speak at this time?" "I'd like to add something." "I forgot to add that Helen was born in Northern Florida to migrant walnut farmers." "Also, if a certain somebody isn't happy with her living situation, or how she's apparently being mistreated and ignored by her family, said person can move out any time she sees fit." "Helen's middle name was Esther." "Thank you." "Ah... well, if that's..." "Well, alright, that's enough." "Sit down, Gene" "I would like to correct the previous speaker who said Helen was born to walnut farmers." "The truth is Helen was born to cashew farmers." "The previous speaker gets a lot of his facts wrong." "He can also be very self-absorbed and immature." "Just ask his wife and" "She'll tell you the same thing." "Helen's favorite color was yellow." "Actually, it was walnut farmers." "They can't even grow cashews in Northern Florida because of the freezing winter temperatures." "A second grader could tell you that." "A second grader could also tell you that you shouldn't treat your twenty-nine year old son-Thirty-two!" "Like a child and criticize him for having greasy hair, when he uses moisturizing shampoo on a regular basis, then dump all your selfish problems on him and expect him to be sympathetic." "Especially if he's been held hostage in your never-ending, jiggity-jiggity," "I'm so-insanely-happy-but desperately lonely madhouse for so long that he's starting to wear underwear four sizes too small." "It sticks his balls against the microwave!" "Helen stood five foot six and loved playing checkers." "I'm sure we can all agree Helen was an outstanding checkers player." "You want to be mad at me?" "I'm mad at me, too." "I've spent my life trying to do what was right for everyone else, trying to be who I was expected to be." "Except the real me wasn't the person" "I ended up becoming." "And now I'm sixty." "And the only thing that's saved me in my whole life," "Is that when I look at you I'm worth something." "I talk to you and I feel good." "I look at you." "My life matters." "So if I needed you more than you needed me and that was too much to bear, then I'm terribly sorry." "But, sweetie, you're my son." "And until you have one of your own, you can't imagine the extraordinary person who is going to come out of your own imperfections." "The deceased's son has asked me" "To play Helen's favorite song." "Mom, I got to go." "Hi, I need to see Clare." "It's really important." "She said she would call you when she's ready to talk." "Besides, I'm hosting a baby shower." "Look, Holly, I know you and I have never seen eye to eye, but I'm asking you as a semi-human being to please let me in his house." "Thank you." "Hi, I was just looking for my wife." "There she is." "Can we talk for a minute, Sweetie?" "Clare, Clare, please." "I need to talk to you." "Need, need." "Tell me more about what you need." "Okay, I deserve that, but would you please hear me out?" "Please" "I'm sorry." "What are you doing?" "!" "You stopped really fast." "I didn't try." "Alright, whatever you're going to say," "Just spit it out." "OK, I know we haven't been getting along great on last night, and I don't want to get into whose fault it is especially Myron's not here to defend himself" "Oh, No." "No, no, OK" "Ok, alright, some of it's, most of it moving towards all of it is my fault." "Honesty Zone?" "Fine." "Okay." "Well?" "Oh, you want me to start?" "Noah" "No, OK, please" "Please, please, please, please" "I just, I wish I could take this whole week back," "But I can't." "And I know, I know." "You're married to a guy who can't have a real conversation with his mom and dad." "A guy sneaks around, snapping one off before sex" "I get it" "It says that he's telling you that" "He does feel completely inadequate to be a father." "But you're not inadequate." "That's what's so stupid." "Would you shut up?" "I mean the geese, sweet heart." "Honey, you say that now, but what about in thirty years?" "I just see all these things my parents go on through" "We're not your parents." "But at some point they loved each other as we are, and something went wrong." "I just don't want that to happen to us," "I made a huge mistake." "I hurt you, and I'm sorry." "And I'm lame." "And I suck, too." "You hurt me so much." "Now you just show up here and say you're sorry" "And you want me just to say everything's OK" "It doesn't feel Ok" "I know." "I don't want to believe me, either." "But today my mom actually said that I'm the only thing in her life that she doesn't regret" "Which floored me, because I didn't think she was thrilled with how I turned out." "But apparently I'm not that bad." "So if my parents can produce this rousing success story then I have to think you and I could make one of our own." "And I don't want to miss out on that?" "What kind of idiot would miss out on that?" "Not this idiot." "No more toddler briefs." "I'm wearing the big undies now." "The cavity is large." "And you know that it's right." "Shut up!" "Is something burning?" "Hey, it's Noah and Clare Cooper!" "It's like JeeJeeChung here." "It looks like somebody kissed and made up." "Looks like they did a bit more than that." "Join us!" "Yeah, Sit down." "Come over here." "We're just taking some like little green medicine." "You know, that green medicine" "Yeah, since when do you smoke green medicine?" "You don't think that's all we do in the Pain Pal, do you?" "You think that all we do is talk about our problems?" "We're about action, man." "Because the herb is a blessing." "Such a blessing." "So..." "It's a bomb." "Yeah" "So Clare and I were talking on the way home, and we want you to know that you both are welcomed to stay with us." "AS long as you need to." "That's nice." "But you know what?" "We don't need that though." "No, no, we are moving in together." "You're what?" "Yes, we both need a place and we really enjoy each other's company, so we thought, hey, why not?" "Yeah!" "You only know each other for four days." "I think it's a good idea." "And I called my parents and they're really excited." "That they're giving me some seed money and my very own credit card." "Yes" "I never had one" "I'm surprised." "Where are you going to stay?" "We'll sack out down of the Downtowner for a few days" "And we're also collaborating on a screenplay about diabetic vampires." "Yes, listen to this." "Do you like the title?" "Blood Sugar." "It's true." "Oh, I get it." "Right?" "I can't believe he's thirty-two." "I know." "I know." "What?" "I really should have told him." "I'm an old person." "Do you like old people?" "Alright, thanks." "You're welcome." "Thanks for sharing your home with me." "Anytime." "You're a special person." "And I don't mean the kind that wears a helmet." "It's cool." "You should put that in your PTSD." "Actually I already" "Thanks for everything, Sweetie." "It's an adventure." "Let me know if you guys make me a grandkid, alright?" "I'll stay on top of it." "Yeah, if you do, don't drink too much in the first trimester." "That's where I went wrong with Noah, I think." "But any..." "Bye, Clare." "Bye, Myron" "Hey," "I don't know what to say." "Just hug as hard as we can and call it a week?" "I can do that." "OK." "I love you." "I love you, too." "One day, we'll worked out all these stuff." "Probably not." "OK" "Alright" "Alright, Hartato." "There are long roads in the colon." "Marilyn and Myron are out right now, so please leave a message." "Hi, it's your son." "I know you're probably at work right now," "I just call and say hi." "Call me back." "I think you have class tonight" "But, anyway, I Just called and say that" "I hired a hand and wrist specialist" "So next time when you come into my office hang on a sec dad's in a standoff with Ian." "He keeps winging his mac and cheese at me." "Eat your lunch, monkey, don't throw it at grandpa." "Honey, why's the phone off the hook?" "Can you come down here please?" "I've got it under control." "Honey, what?" "You don't have it under control." "He throws mac and cheese at you." "Honey, who's on the phone?" "Sweetie" "Hello?" "Hello?" "Clare!" "Clare Bear!" "Alright, mommy's here to rescue."