"Max, look out." "You're so tired you're spilling batter all over yourself." "Ugh." "I knew it was only a matter of time before I became a battered woman." "This is a huge disappointment." "I heard that." "You don't even know what I'm referring to." "Oh, I just assumed we were talking about everything." "I'm referring to our expensive new cupcake website." "Not one job offer." "Want a website that'll make you feel better?" "Number one, "Klum Goes Boom."" "It's 3 a.m. Who would be coming over now?" "I don't know." "My dealer, my other dealer." "That guy who always asks if I know where my dealer is." " Who is it?" " You can't handle what's on the other side." "Yesterday I saw a guy on a stoop Frenching his cat." "I can handle anything." "Oleg, what are you doing here?" "And you put the "oh, no" in "kimono."" "Your upstairs neighbor, Sophie, is allowing me to have sex with her and I came down to borrow some sensual oils." "Preferably ones that you can eat." "How did you get out of apartment?" "You know the rules." "I came down to borrow sensual oils." "Yeah, but no peppermint." "It makes his tongue swell." "And, let's face it, his tongue is the best part about him." "You're right." "I can't handle that." "Those nice-smelling men in Booth 2 just asked me if I was on the down low." "What does this mean?" "Uh, brother, I'm gonna need a little more context." ""Are you on the down low'?" "Because we have a friend who is a big-time rice queen."" "Again." "Coming up dry." "Rice queen, is it a Korean Dairy Queen?" "Kind of." "Here's Table 7's check, Earl." "Max, the guy there at Booth 2, just asked Han if he was on the down low." "They think he's gay." "That's a step up." "Usually, people think he's a lesbian." " Here you go, Sophie." " Uh, Max." "Caroline, uh, yeah, about last night." "I hope you can keep that just between us girls, you know." "I'm sure we have all done things in the dark, late at night with men..." " ...that we'd like to forget." " Heh." "Why stop at late at night in the dark?" "How about early morning or a nooner at the Port Authority Bus Terminal?" "Oh, ha, ha." "Good." "And you too understand, Caroline?" "Actually, no, sorry." "I haven't done anything with a man that I'm ashamed of." "Oh, yeah, but your father did steal millions and millions of dollars, yeah?" "So don't forget that." "Heh." "Han just sat your favorite gays." "Max, their names are Steven and Michael." "And it's not very PC to reduce people to a stereotype." " Hey, girl." " What's up, Care Bear?" "Yeah, they're not stereotypes." "What would you say if they called you the big-boobed waitress who had sex with everyone in high school?" "I'd say, that's why I love the gays, they get me." "Come over and say hello." "They're the first and only people that ever hired us to do a cupcake job." "Do I have to?" "Can't I just stand here and judge from afar?" "Come on." "Let's not mention how bad we're doing." "We want them to think we're a big success so they'll recommend us." "You know the gays, they party about everything." "And there's another stereotype." " Hi, guys." " Happy leap year." "FYI, people are still talking about those cupcakes you made for our shower." " Everyone." " How's business?" "Fabulous." "Amazing." "Killing it." "Or it's killing us." "We're not quite sure." "I'll go grab some menus for you girls." " Max." " Sorry." "I'll go grab some menus for you ladies." "Love her." "So Madeleine Stowe in Revenge." " She is." " I don't watch that." "Love it." "It's about a young blond woman who's out to seek revenge on everyone for destroying her family." "Yeah." "Too close to home." " Max, guess what?" " You're not supposed to tell me I'm on intervention until the actual intervention." "I just got offered $600 to stay at Steven and Michael's apartment and watch their dogs for two days." "Why would anyone pay $600 to watch dogs for two days?" "They want a certain amount of attention to be paid" "Just say it." "They're gay and they think their dogs are their children." "Max, you have to stop doing this." "I'll stop when they stop." "This is so exciting." "It'll be like a paid vacation at an amazing hotel." "I need to get as far away from here as possible." " Oh, where do they live?" " Four blocks away." "Well, have a good time." "While you're four blocks away having your vacation I'll be home, maybe taking a little masturba-cation." "What are you talking about?" "I wouldn't go on vacation without you." "We'll split the dog money to cover the shifts we take off." "Thanks, but I don't do that thing where you take off work." ""Hi, I'm Max, I can't go to a fancy apartment and have fun." "I'd rather work in a steel mill and sing Bruce Springsteen songs."" "Max, when was the last time you had a vacation?" "Never." "Unless you count the summer I hid under the porch from my mom's new boyfriend." "We need to get out." "This is more than spring break." "It's a break from the diner, from the cupcake business." "From being poor, from everything depressing right now." "Things aren't that depressing." "Oh, well..." "Well, I'm sure we have all done things with men in kitchens that we are not proud of." "Spring break is the greatest time ever." "You just go crazy and do shots and throw all the rules out the window." "Oh, I've done that." "But when you're poor, you just call it Tuesday." " Why are you walking like that?" " This is my spring break walk." "These shoulders have shimmied like this all the way from Majorca to Ibiza." "Try it, Max." "Shake a little." "Shake." "That's cool." "I'll just wait till I get the DTs later." "Maybe I don't have the right key." "Oh, hi." "Sorry." "We might be at the wrong door." "That's a bummer for the door." "It's over there, 12D." "We're house-sitting for a few days." "Cool." "I'm Brendon." "Hi, Brendon." "I'm Ashley and she" "I'm surprised." "And also Max." "Uh, I'd shake your hands, but I kind of stink." "I've been at my microbrewery most of the day so I'm sorry if I smell like yeast." "Hey, that's my apology" "Whoa." "Ha, ha." "All right." "Cool." "Well, I will see you guys around, yeah?" "Yeah, totes." "Do you have something you wanna tell me, Ashley?" "I never use Caroline Channing on vacation for security reasons." "I was almost abducted at gunpoint for a ransom in Mexico City." "Wow, gunpoint." "Were you using the word "totes" at the time?" "Can you take out the paper that has the alarm code on it?" "Oh, wow, this place is amazing." "It's like the cover of Gay, Gay, Gay Magazine." "Max, you have to stop reducing them to that gay stereotype." "Now read me the security code." "It's "Liza."" "A lot of different types of people like Liza Minnelli." "Oh, look." "It's a poodle in a tutu." "That's not gay, right?" "Lots of" "Lots of different types of people have a poodle in a tutu." "Named Barbra Streisand." "Oh, there's the book of instructions." ""Hey, girl, hey, Care Bear." "Have fun with Barbra Streisand and Wynonna Judd." "Wynonna is temperamental and tends to stay in the bedroom." "We didn't have time to purge her anal gland before we left." "Instructions on page two."" "I'm starting to understand the $600." ""It's easy." "We do it all the time."" "No wonder Wynonna is so temperamental." ""Help yourself to anything in the fridge." "There are portable saunas in the closet."" "Portable saunas?" "Love it." "What is it?" "This is so cool." "I'm hot like I'm at the beach but I'm not stepping in any used condoms." "Yeah, these are great." "My friend Candice Travelstead used one to make weight for prom." " Are you done with that?" " Yeah." "Switch?" "I always love spending the day at the beach." " Just the chilling and the girl talk." " Yeah." "Tell me again about the sound the anal gland made when you squeezed it." "Please, stop." "I already told you twice." "And now Wynonna Judd won't even look at me." "Well, not without her lawyer in the room." "I'm hungry." "What do you eat on vacation?" "Anything we want." "Let's see." "I bet their refrigerator is stocked with all kinds of pâtés and cheeses and those parm crisp things." "By the way, nice suit." "You look like someone should be pouring a 40 on you in a rap video." "Heh, thanks." "There's nothing." "I mean, come on, what kind of gays are they?" "All anal gland and no cheese." "I just expected everything to be better." "You know, champagne on ice, 1000-thread-count sheets." " Towels, they're not even bath sheets." " Wait." "The towels aren't good?" "Because I already stole two." "They're fine." "They're not what I was expecting." "What's happening over there?" "You could use a little shoulders." "Right." "We're on vacay." "Let's get dressed and find some place to eat." "Are you crazy?" "I am not leaving this thing." "This is the happiest I've ever been in my life." "We'll order in, pretend it's room service." "They must have a menu drawer here somewhere." "We'll never find a restaurant with a portable sauna section." ""Food Network party tonight to celebrate the release of a cookbook." "Food and drink provided."" "Free foodie food, free foodie drinks." "Yay, let's go." "No, I like it in here." "It's amazing." "Ashley wants to go." "Ashley wants to go." "Fine, but can I bring the dog?" "I want to be one of those girls who brings a tiny dog to a place and just looks at everyone like, "Yeah, I have a tiny dog, so what?"" "You can be whoever you wanna be." "You're on vacation." "I'm gonna go invite Brendon to come." "You gotta have a crush on spring break." "Well, I'm sitting in my crush." "Hey, shouldn't you put something on?" "Uh, it's spring break." "Barbra, get help." "Go, Barbra Streisand, go." "Hey, look at the book title, 306 Degrees of Heaven:" "Bacon." ""Heaven bacon." That's good word play." "It's okay." "Not much of a crowd." "The party is a little disappointing." "Bacon truffle, Barbara Streisand?" "Hmm?" "Yeah, I'm feeding my tiny dog a truffle." "So what?" " Miss?" " Mm." " Miss?" " Excuse me." "What are these thing for?" " It holds your drink while you get food." " No." "Heh." "Yeah." "Yeah, these are great when you see them for the first time." "For me, it was on a yacht, in the Mediterranean." "You know what else these are good for?" "Frees up your shoulders to shimmy." "You shimmy." "I'm gonna go walk over here and find us a bigger, shinier something to do later." "Later?" "We're going home to our amazing apartment." "Or not." "Come on, Max, it's spring break." "Let's not get tied down." " I'll be over there." " Yeah, we'll be over there." "Oh!" "Hi." "You're not allowed to have a dog in here." "Unless he wants to buy the book." "What are you?" "Some kind of foodie bouncer?" "Worse." "I wrote the book." "Well, nice sleeves." "You get those in the tattoo gold rush of '09?" "I'm Zeke." "What's your name?" "I'm Max." "This is my tiny dog." "I take her everywhere." "So what?" "Hey, Max, you wanna try my thick-cut bacon?" "Maybe." "Let's just take things slow." "I'm telling you, it serves the best vegan stew anywhere." "You should put it in your blog." "Oh, if I write one more article about something vegan all of my devoted 10,000 readers will hold hands and jump collectively out a window." "I know you like to find What's new, what's next." "Chocolate bacon?" "I just need a minute over there." "Hi." "Couldn't help but overhear." "If you're looking for what's new, I found two adorable girls who run a cupcake business in Williamsburg." "I know how that sounds, but trust me, totally fresh and not at all overexposed." "You're someone I should listen to because...?" "Sorry, didn't introduce myself." "Ashley Emerson, style editor for ELLE." " Oh." " Heh." "If you're interested, I have a card in here." "I was holding onto it for Martha." "Mr. Bacon action figure?" "A world of bacon sampler." "I apologize for the Food Network trucker hat which has nothing to do with bacon, everything to do with being a sell-out." "Guess what." "Ashley gave our card to a woman who's such a bitch, she must be important." "She's a food blogger." "It's a long shot, but we need to get some exposure." "Whoa, we're on vacation." "No business talk." "That was the deal, right?" "This is Zeke." "Chef-slash-author slash-corporate sell-out." "We were, uh..." "We were thinking about going to the apartment to hang." "Oh, sounds fun." "Can I see you alone for a second?" "Well, not alone." "I bring my tiny dog everywhere." "So what?" "Come on, I heard of an after-party in SOHO and an after-after-party in Dumbo." "So let's go, ho, have fun and get this vacation started." "I'm holding a dog at a bacon-book party laughing with a guy who wrote a book about bacon." "I think my vacation's already started." "All right." "Well, have fun." "I'm gonna go party." "Oh, do your thing, Ash." "I don't wanna say that I'm hot, but the bacon in my pocket is done." "We said turns were five minutes, you bastards." "Oh, hi." "More sauna fun." "Max, can I see you in the hall?" "But it's my turn to sweat my balls off." "Don't think the clock is not running while I'm out there." "We're going on a real vacation." "How quickly can you pack a bag?" "Don't worry about evening wear." "Every Four Seasons has a Gucci near the Bulgari store in the lobby." "None of those words made any sense." "I think you've had a spring-break stroke." "No, seriously, there's a car waiting downstairs to take us to a private plane." "Teterboro in 20 minutes and Tahiti in eight hours." "The Greek is paying for everything." "What did they give you?" "What's the last thing you can remember?" " Nothing." "I just had some Cristal." " Some crystal meth?" "No, I'm just really excited." "I went to the after-party and met the shipping magnate." "It's not gonna be sexual." "More like a father thing." "Anyway, let's go." "Finally got us a good vacation." " But we're having a good vacation." " Max, don't take this personally." "You don't know what a good vacation is." "You've never been anywhere." "I mean, you walked into that apartment and your face lit up, like, "Ah!"" "Like it was amazing, and that's because you don't know that it's not." "Trust me." "I have been everywhere and I'm telling you, this is the worst vacation ever." "So let's ditch the bacon freak and the beer bro get on that plane, spend one great day at the beach and then come back and make $8 an hour." "That sounds fun." "You skipped the part where we get abducted and Nancy Grace covers the yearlong search for our bodies." "It must be Constantine." "He's gonna be upset." "You never keep a Greek waiting." "Oh, my God, Max." "We just got an e-mail on our website from that food blogger." "If we drop off four cupcakes by morning she'll consider writing about them for her column that day." "What's it gonna be?" "Caroline or Ashley?" "Cupcakes or Tahiti?" "Your call." "Is the Greek still waiting?" "He just pulled away." "I'm sure he'll come back here for Ashley sometime." "And when that happens, I wouldn't wanna be her." " Well, after tomorrow, you won't be." " Heh." "What can I do?" "You mean after your two personalities meet and kill each other?" "Max, I told you I needed a break." "I just didn't know it was gonna be a psychotic one." "You need to chill." "You can't freak out because you're not where you wanna be." "On vacation or in our business." "I mean, it's life." "Lower your expectations." "This microbrew is actually really good." "Tastes better in the batter." "Hey, crumble up some of that maple bacon for me." "Sorry about that stuff I said about you never having gone anywhere." "Why?" "I never have gone anywhere or done anything." "Now I'm thinking that's a good thing because I can still get excited, make a face when somethings new to me." "Because basically everything is." "That must be nice." "All right." "Here." "Taste it." "My beer batter maple bacon spring break cupcake." "Oh, my God." "You made the "something new" face." "I did." "Because you made something new." " It's delicious." " Do the face again." "Oh, there they are, the world travelers." "Shouldn't people be throwing confetti?" "I'm all out." "I snorted mine in the power outage of '65." "How was your vacation?" "It turned out to be more of a day-cation." " But we had a great time, didn't we?" " Yes, we did." "Max, things sure are dull around here without you." "Everyone walking around all PC, nobody called me "black."" "Hell I haven't laughed once since you been gone." "When it comes to this job you are my vacation." "Aw." "And that, Earl, is why I got all five of these gift bags for you." "Welcome again to the Williamsburg Diner." "This way, please." "I have looked up "down low" and "rice queen" on Wikipedia." "And, no, I'm not a secret homosexual or a man who chases only Asian men." "I'm great, I'm straight, get used to it." " Hi, guys." "How was your vacation?" " Great." "Did you have fun at our place?" " Totes." "Your saunas are sick." " I know." "Could they be any gayer?" "No." "Just one thing." "Wynonna is still a little upset about the anal gland event." "What?" "I told you she wouldn't know it was a joke." "How could she not know it was a joke?" "I mean, who would ask someone to squeeze their dog's pooper?" "We're paying you another 50." "Dude, she went second-knuckle deep in your beagle's back door." "You're throwing her a 50?" "One-fifty." "Heh." "Thank you." "And just one other thing." "Our business is actually not that great right now." "If you could recommend us, that would really help." " Good for you." " Business will pick up..." "...after that blog blurb." " Wait." "Blog blurb?" "About your spring break cupcake." "We just read about it." "Yeah, in that foodie bitch's blog." "Max, it worked." "Let's go look at the blog on Han's computer." "Excuse us, we'll be right back." "Heh." "We got a little break and a big break." "Yeah, I did it again." "Yeah." "Welcome back." "You missed the best two days of my life."