"Gooo....d good evening and welcome to games night at QI." "Phill Jupitus." "CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" "Sean Lock!" "CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" "Liza Tarbuck!" "CHEERING AND WHISTLES" "Alan Davies." "CHEERING" "the bells are all well-hung and fairly gamey." "Phill goes..." "'Gladiators r-r-ready?" "'" "Sean goes..." "BUZZER" "LAUGHTER Liza goes..." "SPORTS COMMENTATOR: 'Go-o-o-oal!" "'" "Alan goes..." "BRUCEY: 'Good game." "Good game.'" "Ah!" "Good game!" "Good game." "begin." "Alan." "It's complicated but I think we'll get there." "Phill and yourself and Sean are in love - and why shouldn't you be?" " with Liza." "You've noticed." "which is a three-way duel." "Sean's a good shot." "90% of the time he hits the target." "looking at my eyes!" "LAUGHTER only 10% of the time." "Right." "You get first shot." "You've only got one." "Shoot one of them." "They will then each have a shot." "what would your best strategy be?" "Shoot myself." "LAUGHTER" "ALARM RINGS" "APPLAUSE" "SEAN:" "All I've got to do... is shoot Liza!" "ALARM RINGS" "LAUGHTER look." "Phill's got something on his back of his shirt." "I shoot through Phill into Sean." "Like we're going to fall for that(!" ")" "And like a bullet is going to make its way through my body in under a quarter of an hour." "Any minute now." "I'll do it the other way round." "I appear to have been eating cocoa out of a jar by ramming my face in." "No expense has been spared." "I have done two series of QI without the beard." "They persist on using a photo where I look like the fat Carlos the Jackal." "my best option is to try and shoot the one who's a better shot?" "You've got a 90% chance of not hitting them." "Phill would aim at you." "So that's a bad option." "Yeah." "cos then you've got a 90% chance." "Supposing you just miss?" "You deliberately miss?" "Then run away?" "No." "Stay where you are." "What's in their interests?" "you're not threat to him." "you'd have no bullet and Sean would have a bullet..." "Brilliant." "Get the guns out!" "LAUGHTER" "Pass it on." "Damn it!" "How do you load these?" "Leave it!" "It's not worth it!" "Have you got yours?" "I don't have one." "my gun going off early is one reason Liza likes the idea that I lose the duel. is game theory - does that ring a bell?" "we didn't do that." "Game theory?" "No. but famously by a man called Nash." "He won a Nobel prize then suffered from the awful effects of being played by Russell Crowe in a film." "no." "LAUGHTER" "Beautiful Mind." "Yes." "which has been applied to economics." "A very good example is advertising." "Two companies both advertise." "They both spend an enormous amount and cancel each other out." "the market would remain the same." "The bizarre situation was when they banned tobacco advertising it was to the benefit of the tobacco firms who saved money they were wasting." "Another example was an episode of Big Brother." "000 was the prize money." "They were asked separately." "25k each." "I'll share it" ""I'll take the lot" wins it." "neither of them gets anything." "Make your decision now." "Stephen." "I've had a lovely day." "Everyone's been so nice." "LAUGHTER" "I'll share it." Is it?" "I'll share it." And both probably regretted it." "I should have said I'll take the lot!" "Or they should have probably studied at school." "LAUGHTER Possibly!" "Alan's best plan is to miss and hope that the two hotshots kill each other." "It's an example of game theory in action." "Which popular game traditionally ends with all the players being thrown into a lake of fiery sulphur?" "I hope it's show jumping!" "LAUGHTER" "I hate show jumping!" "God!" "I'd have one of those after every jump." "Before and after every jump!" "though it would certainly liven it up." "It sounds biblical." "I don't think it's humans." "Wouldn't it be pieces?" "It's a game that went dramatically out of fashion in 1972." "it was more popular than Monopoly." "it had gone out of fashion because of a film." "Mousetrap." "Mousetrap." "No." "There is no film of Mousetrap." "Is it draughts?" "Draughts?" "LAUGHTER The film..." "Draughts makes you go bored!" "Don't play draughts!" "The film is not a game." "This game is played in it and it's scary." "using a Ouija board." "What film?" "The Exorcist." "One of the great films of the 20th century." "Is a Ouija board really a game?" "who won?" "LAUGHING I'm here and not dead!" "Ouija was a board and still belongs to Parker Brothers." "Get out!" "Ouija's a proprietary name." "It's a trademark." "Is it Oui Ja?" "Interesting point." "That is some people's theory." "French. "Ja" German." "except that it's a game that was invented." "It was sold and people played it." "It's weird." "It nearly always works." "In as much as people spell out words and don't know how." "It's clearly not dead people." "It was not supposed to be dead people." "It was supposed to be that you contacted a part of yourselves that automatically wrote." "Did dead people just join in?" "this is the one for us!" "A third of people who still use them say it's to contact dead people." "In the First World War it was used to contact troops abroad." "Hold on." "Are some dead people communicating with the living through Monopoly? and the jury had to be dismissed." "In the hotel they used a Ouija board to contact the murdered person." "convict him." "quite rightly." "the judge couldn't dismiss them." "The judge has no right in law to know what goes on in a jury room." "Deliberations must be private." "Unless he's dead." "That's really complicated." "Was the guy guilty?" "which is irritating." "So maybe the ghost of the murdered person..." "It works!" "your turn." "Yeah." "Exactly." "Or you contact two dead people and they box." "Then tell you how it went." "Ghost boxing." "Ghost boxing!" "On Sky Sports 2!" "Live ghost boxing from Auntie Vera's parlour!" "Two people in sheets." "LAUGHTER The headless man is already down!" "Trying to punch..." "There's an Elvis..." "Yeah." "There you go!" "Go on!" "Hit me!" "LAUGHTER" "There's an Elvis seance website." "Course there is." "Bet there's more than one." "Where you contact Elvis..." "Online? many people want to contact Elvis and we're sure he's quite busy." ""Please treat this information..." For eternity!" "with respect." "posthumous Twitter." "That would be hell!" "LIZA:" "Have you just thought of that?" "God!" "Horrifying!" "in Revelations it says those who practise the magic arts will be cast into burning sulphur." "How about balloon animals?" "The punishment for balloon animals is not specified." "Squeak!" "Squeak!" "Squeak!" "the punishment for them." "LAUGHTER" "APPLAUSE games which conjured up the spirits of the dead were a popular gift for children." "If they didn't like it they could go to hell!" "who were the scallywags?" "That's just a little suggestion." "Urchin types." "I'm fairly sure it wasn't the SS." "That's the odd thing." "It's the SS?" "No." "But..." "LAUGHTER the cheekiest men in the war." "we're talking about something really dark and violent." "Assassins." "no." "cuddliest part of the British forces?" "Probably..." "Vera Lynn." "Yes." "for example." "Oh." "The Home Guard." "and probably when..." "That's a man dressed as a woman doing a practice." "there would be a guerilla section of people who were not mainstream military." "I almost wish they had invaded!" "LAUGHTER" "Fritz!" "the baby's the best shot." "LAUGHTER It's a truel. ammunition and a gallon of rum in each one." "not only to shoot Germans but there was a view that Churchill would be killed and someone like Lord Halifax would go in." "a secret part of Dad's Army." "George Orwell and others were trained to assassinate anyone who collaborated with the Nazis." ""I'd have killed Lord Halifax." "So they were pretty violent." "It was not a cosy thing." "It's a good story." "It's terribly clever." "If somebody did come and collaborate anybody who might otherwise have caused trouble would be automatically on the side of good." "You're exactly right. against anybody who collaborated." "That is a double mind Jedi." "It is." "As it's commonly known." "Michael Foot's changed his image over the years." "He has a little." "If he wore that beautiful outfit on Armistice Day there wouldn't have been a fuss!" "It's Spike Milligan!" "They had two weeks of rations because the belief was they wouldn't survive longer. which we'd now call them." "It was a cellular structure." "They didn't know who the others were." "They only knew their own band and were tasked to do specific things." "Do you suspect that such an organisation exists today?" "I wonder." "I'm not allowed to tell you." "Who have you been trained to kill?" "Their unofficial motto was Terror By Night." "Even in the ordinary Home Guard there were tough things taught." "were given demonstrations of how to decapitate motorists by stretching wire across the road." "That's the kind of scouting I wanted!" "Not following twigs round Epping Forest! demonstrated how to use roller skates to knee someone in the groin." "How are you going to get the other foot anchored?" "He may not have thought it through." "You may be right." "guerrilla fighters were trained as underground scallywags. who were the toughest of all vegetarians in history?" "That's a bit of a..." "What's it called?" "An oxymoron?" "Is it?" "There are whole swathes of Asia with a lot of vegetarians." "I'm sure their armies would be quite fiercesome." "kung fu?" "Are we Orient?" "You may be right." "not THE toughest?" "Bulls." "the strongest animals are all vegetarians." "They're as tough as anything." "History..." "Hitler was quite tough." "but Hitler wasn't a vegetarian." "Wasn't he?" "Oddly enough." "It's certainly true that he didn't smoke or drink much." "He occasionally had glasses of wine." "I'm not saying he was wonderful." "By saying he's vegetarian I'm not saying he's ghastly either." "A film in the last 15 years." "Cowboys." "A very successful film." "Australian actor starred as...?" "Gladiators." "Gladiators." "They were vegetarians?" "They were vegans. gave all indications that they didn't eat meat." "eaters of barley"." "but it was important they were fat." "They're always shown as stocky in art." "How do they know they're vegetarian from archeology?" "Teeth?" "Shopping lists." "LAUGHTER" "They're at Waitrose." "Carved with flint on slate." "Beans... just loads of toilet paper." "how would they know?" "Chemicals in the bone and levels of zinc indicate very strongly." "Low levels of zinc indicates they didn't eat meat." "The problem with this prehistoric science is the fact that bzzz." "Something like that." "They only ate vegetables." "Hasn't been of any use whatsoever." "Just wasted the last three bloody years of my life!" "That is so precisely what scientists do do." "This is not indicative of anything." "We don't know." "If any group says "we don't know" it's scientists unlike religionists." "Scientists are always accused of being arrogant." "We don't know" is the default position until you absolutely know." "they have to be black." "The law says they will be black. but they must be black." "Let's go to the casino." "How can you win money from a casino?" "Magnets." "Counting cards." "Prostitution." "Card counting." "They can spot that you're doing it." "They have people that watch and know." "Ben something?" "LIZA:" "Nevis." "Awfully good!" "I interviewed the dude." "He's a maths teacher and he gets students..." "MIT students." "They went as an experiment." "He's been banned from casinos." "It's not against the law." "You're playing the game extremely well." "Now they have this face-recognition technology that all casinos buy into." "If you went into a casino in Phoenix and did some card counting." "unless they're criminals. their computers would pick you up." "As if they haven't got enough advantages." "I know!" "They're there to make money." "Seven!" "Five!" "A Jack!" "Bust." "LAUGHTER sir." "Could you leave?" "I've got a picture one!" "I've got a picture one!" "That's maybe the way you disguise it." "What they do is they do it in teams and have clever ways." "The guy at the other end's counting the cards." "It's a perfect..." "That was the system that Ben Campbell..." "Remember him?" "Yes!" "LAUGHTER" "That was his system." "They tried to do it with roulette." "How would you do it with roulette?" "Count the spins." "Stop it." "Count the ball." "Stop it." "Stop time." "Ah!" "And then you only can move." "Everyone else is frozen in time." "You put the ball where you want." ""Everyone back in the room." "Why not just help yourself to all the money in the place?" "LAUGHTER Because... you'd have to stop time and bring them back in." "Wow!" "You've done it again!" "And I feel my pants are on..." "Oh." "No." "You would take all the money and you'd fiddle with people." "LAUGHTER Stop!" "Sean Lock!" "You would!" "You've just got to watch that you don't play one of the tables goes... that's it." "Place your bets." "but they'll kick you out." "but how would you know if I was bluffing?" "We know your tell." "That's the word." "A tell is what they're called." "What are tells?" "Come on!" "Come on!" "Or just blinking a lot." "Blinking is said to be one." "Speedboats!" "Fast cars!" "All going to be mine!" "you might then reverse that." "do that." "but what's the point?" "That's what I always do!" "LAUGHTER" "Gamblers tell you that weak is strong and strong is weak." "maybe triple bluff." "lady." "Your chance to take a wild gamble on a few hands of General Ignorance." "Fingers on buzzers." "What colour is this hound?" "'Goal!" "' you're good." "How did you know that?" "I'm mad for dogs." "Absolutely mad for dogs." "What's the breed?" "A miniature..." "It's a greyhound." "Really?" "A grey hound?" "Greyhounds are not grey." "it was a "grighund"." "Olde English?" "Yeah. "Grig" means bitch." "So it's a "bitch hound" basically." "that colour is called blue." "There you are." "is it flourishing at the moment?" "Dying out." "Greyhound Racing UK say it's the second most popular spectator sport after football." "2.5 billion wagered every year." "A lot of the greyhounds are more interested in football." "How fast does the hare go round?" "40 miles an hour." "Up to 100." "Really?" "Yeah." "How about that?" "Max speed 70 with greyhounds." "Between 40 and 70 miles per hour." "The dogs themselves?" "Yeah." "Who would win out of a race between a cheetah and a greyhound?" "I would." "Who would win?" "Cheetah." "SEAN:" "The cheetah would just have lunch." "Brilliant!" "a man called Kenneth Gandar-Dower." "wouldn't race." "Especially with his monkey jockey." "are blue." "What should you do with mussels that don't open?" "really." "What should you do with them?" "Don't eat them." "That's good advice." "it isn't." "It's terrible advice." "Clearly it's bad!" "this is odd." "Jane Grigson wrote a very fine book on seafood in which she said throw them away." "90% of all books said it." "it may be better for you." "you SHOULD throw away cos that'll be dead." "Yeah." "It's fine to eat closed mussels." "They're probably fresher." "What did gladiators say at the beginning of a tournament?" "We who are about to die salute you." "ALARM RINGS dear." "That's what it's there for!" "You're right. "Not the face!" "they didn't say that." "Any more lentils?" "I'd like a bean salad." "I want a steak! and they said it to the Emperor Claudius." "They were just prisoners who were going to be killed." "No gladiator was recorded saying it." "So there's no reason to believe it." "Come on!" "Let's just all have a laugh!" Yeah." "Absolutely." "we find ourselves at the end of the game." "Our clear winner with five points is Liza Tarbuck." "CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" "Phill Jupitus." "APPLAUSE with minus seven!" "APPLAUSE" "CHUCKLES" "Alan Davies." "CHEERS AND APPLAUSE" "that's it." "Alan and me." "We'll leave you with this truth from James Hetfield out of Metallica." "It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye." "Then it's fun and games you can't see any more." Good night." "APPLAUSE" "Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd"