"Trust me, I know what I'm doing." "Hammer!" "In my office right now!" "Right this minute, Hammer!" "Hammer, I got a problem." "Do you know the reporter Phil Gumm from Action News?" "I don't watch the news, I make it." "He wants to ride along with one of us for one day." " So what's the problem?" " He chose you!" " Why me?" " Because, on paper, you have a perfect arrest record." "You have put over a thousand men behind bars." "God knows if any of them are guilty of anything!" " They looked guilty to me." " You don't understand my dilemma." "I've been fighting with City Hall for over two months." "They're talking about making cutbacks." "The Mayor's threatening this department." "Do you understand what I am saying?" " You want me to kill the Mayor." " No!" "I'm saying this report could either help us or hurt us." "It could be good PR or bad PR." "I'm ordering you to act responsibly." "Don't worry, me and my one-man band will give him some wholesome family entertainment!" "Put that gun away." "Now, get the hell outta here!" "Over here is where we do our fingerprinting." "That man over there is a fiendish killer." "Tied his dates to a Magic Fingers bed." " 12 women massaged to death." " How awful." "Made the Ten Most Wanted list." "Also made Cosmo's Bachelor of the Month." "Hi." "You must be that Mr Gumm I've heard so much about." "Hammer... this is the reporter." "Oh." "Hi." "I'm Inspector Hammer." "How's that story going so far?" "All I've seen is a bunch of policemen hanging around and not doing much." "Just wait till you see me in action, paI." "Doreau, can I see you for a second, please?" "I want you to do something for me today." "It's very important." " Sir, I can handle anything." " Keep Hammer under control." "I'll settle for no gunplay." "Just try for no gunplay on camera, all right?" "If you make a good showing today, I can tell City Hall to go stuff it." "Admit it, punk, you were trying to steal a car." "But that cop said he had no handcuffs so he ties me to his fender like a deer." "Then he called me names." "He called me Bambi." "Hey, there he is!" "That's him!" " Who's that?" " My favourite hood ornament." " I didn't have handcuffs..." " Could we drive?" "We have business to take care of." "I realise you're driving, but could you look to the camera?" "I wanna catch your good side, OK?" "Mr Gumm, today you're gonna find out what it's like to be a real cop." "It's not like the guys on TV - JT Hooker shooting moon men." "Ahh!" "Hammer!" "Being a cop is stench, it's bodies... .. it's floating corpses." "Ever see a body that's been lying in an alley for two weeks?" " No." " Well, we'll do it after lunch." " What was that?" " A plate." "It came from over there." "We'll put a stop to this right now, whatever it is." "Aghhh!" "I can't stand the smell of lacquer on your breath!" "That's liquor, you hag!" " All right, freeze!" "Police!" " Phil Gumm, Action News." " Thank God you're here!" " All right, drop it, fella." "Nice and easy." "Hey, what's with the cameras?" "We're not fighting here." "Where did the broken plates come from?" "A Greek wedding?" "Listen, people, I'm running out of patience real fast." "I wanna hear how this whole thing got started and I wanna hear it right now!" "I can't say on TV." "Can't you just give me a hint?" "Oh, come on, just a..." "Whisper it in my ear." " Oh, you're a lousy lover." " Why...!" "Listen, paI, why don't you try eating oysters, huh?" " Hammer, please!" " It's a good suggestion!" "Let me handle this." "It's not gonna work." " Sir, you look like a sensitive man..." " Oh, him?" "Get serious!" "Will you stop?" "Please!" "Every couple has their ups and downs." " How long have you been married?" " A week." "OK." "Well, promise me you'll go and have some counselling on this, OK?" "Yeah, yeah, sure, baby, I promise." "He's lying!" "You're not gonna leave me here with him?" "Please!" "Listen, ma'am, just between you and me, I'm not a big fan of counselling, OK?" "So, if he gives you any more trouble... use this." "Let's go." "You be good." "We're outta here." " Come on!" " OK, take it easy, take it easy!" "Gimme the money in the safe!" "Hurry up!" "I'll blow your head off!" "Take it easy!" "Here you go." "You filth!" "That's for charity!" " Shut up and give me the money!" " Here!" " Anything else?" " Yeah, gimme two lottery tickets." "Here you go." "Here." "First you play Dr Ruth, then you take a coffee-and-doughnut break." "All you've done is confirm the stereotype of the police." "I am not impressed." "OK, I would like to address that particular stereotype if I may." "Fine." "Your stereotypicaI doughnut is nothing but dough and sugar fried in fat, right?" "That fat gums up your arteries and goes to your brain and you turn liberal." "Then Barry Manilow is on the turntable and you're voting for gun control!" "See what I'm saying?" "See the connection?" " Yes, yes." " That's why I eat granola." " I'd like a cup of coffee, please?" " What?" "Oh, yeah... sure." " Get that camera off me!" " What's the matter?" "I'm camera-shy." "I was a child actor." " Hey!" " What?" "Better close that safe." "Some braindead rodent's gonna rob you." " Here." "Goodbye." " I gotta pay you, don't I?" "On the house." "Just get outta here." "I gotta close up shop." " Wait, this place is open 24 hours..." " Where am I?" "Take this, Doreau." "Know what I'll do to you?" "Stick your head in that microwave and set it on "sandwich"!" " You can't do that!" " No setting for sandwich?" " This is appalling!" " That's right." "The only reason I steal is cos I ain't got enough to eat." "Oh, are you hungry?" "That's it?" "Cover him, Doreau." " What are you gonna do?" " I'm gonna give him a little bit of lunch." "That's expired two weeks ago." "He can't eat that." "Ohh, six weeks old." "That's much better." "This is..." "Ooh, expired 1968." "'67, '66." "Look at this." "Good, good, good." " Eat." " You can't make him eat that." "Well, he's nothing but scum and bones." "Eat!" "1959." "Very good year for horseradish." "Oh, he should've saved room for dessert!" "So our police can't solve a crime unless they've the dumb luck to stumble on it." "Well, that's not true, Mr Gumm." "Part of our job is to prevent crime." " Statistics show a 45%..." " You don't have to feed him that bunk." "We found that crime because there's crime everywhere in this jungle." "A crime happens every 12 seconds..." " Sledge, your car!" " Right on time!" "Come back here, you tapeworm!" "Get in!" "Sorry, police business." "Go, go, go!" " I'm not sure this is a good idea." " Trust me, I know what I'm doing." " Come on, come on!" " Hammer!" "Come on, come on, after him!" "I don't have insurance till next week." " Always remember to turn into the skid." " Just don't ask me to parallel park." "Hammer, be careful!" "The brakes, hit the brakes!" "Hit the brakes!" "Everybody, jump!" " You OK?" " Yeah, fine." "So does this mean I won't get my licence?" "Hammer, where's Gumm?" " Think he's dead?" " You'd better hope so." "Doreau, I told you how important this was." "You let me down." "You let this precinct down." "I just wanna say, in Hammer's defence..." " Shut up, Doreau." " Captain, let me just say that I am sorry." "The next time you send a reporter out with me, I'll do a better job." " Next time, next time?" " Well, if there is a next time." "Think I'll let you drive off a cliff with Dan Rather?" "No, no!" "I never repeat myself!" "Doreau, would you excuse us for a moment, please?" "Certainly." "Close the door." "Thank you." "How can you joke after what you did to that poor man?" "Poor?" "He makes 20 times what I do." "Besides, he wanted to ride with me." "You almost killed him!" "Ah, well, the key word here, of course, is "almost"." "He's fine." "I heard him screaming my name in the ambulance." " I cannot believe what happened to him!" " Hey, it was tough on all of us." "The paint job on my car got scratched pretty bad." "You don't see me crying." "Hammer, I called him to apologise." "He would not answer the phone." "Well... he had, you know, two... broken arms and they're bad, I mean, they are busted in half!" "They got 'em back." "When this gets over the air, men are going to lose their jobs, Hammer!" "Let's just..." "Really, now, take it easy." "I'm sorry." "I've been softening him up." "I sent him candy and I sent him flowers and now there's..." "Let me show you, I have to show you." "Singing telegram." "See if you like this." "Ahhh!" "Just a note from your pal Sle-e-e-e-e-edge" "Sorry you fell off the le-e-e-edge" "Thank you very much." "Well, I don't know." "That was sorta cute, right?" "Little rhyme with the sledge-ledge and the "aa" rhyming scheme." "Hammer... is it your goal to make my life a living hell?" "I don't really have any goals, Captain." "I just try to take things day by day." "'Beep!" "'" "The bird is speeding." "You know, just once I'd like to see the coyote eat that feathered freak!" " Ah, well." " Well, Hammer, it's time for the report." " That's right." "Turn on the news, please." " Certainly." "'Coming up - downtown rocked by another Extortionist bombing." " 'Now, time for Gumm On The Street. '" " Don't worry, it's not gonna be that bad." "'As you know, our police are facing massive lay-offs 'so I took the opportunity to objectively observe them in action." " 'I was quite surprised at what I saw. '" " So far. so good." "'Our cops are nothing but a bunch of pistoI-packing, trigger-happy brutes. '" " Sorry he was so hard on you." " 'We don't have police." "'We have frontier gunslingers." "'You feel they'd like to get up on a roof, start shooting, 'and hope that they hit a criminal!" "'" "Who needs to go on a roof, huh?" "'How dangerous are our police?" "'Let's say, I spent one day with them and came away with two broken arms 'and I consider myself very lucky. '" " I don't wanna hear what Trunk will say." " I'll bet he didn't even see it." "'That concludes our special report." "And now back to Miami Vice. '" "Hey, nice work, buddy!" "You did it this time." "Don't give me a swelled head, huh?" " Cleaning out your locker?" " I got laid off this morning." " I'm sorry." "Anything I can do?" " No, you've done enough already." " Hammer." " I'd like to register a formal complaint." " Somebody wrote "fink" on my locker." " Yes, Hammer, that was me." " What's going on?" " Ever since your brilliant performance," "City Hall has been up in arms." "The Mayor has ordered me to lay off half my men." "The only consolation I can think of is that I am rid of you." " I'm suspended again, right?" "Pity." " No, you don't understand." "You are fired, sacked, dumped, banished, terminated!" "You're outta here, you're history!" "That's a wrap!" "What are you getting at?" "Hammer, you are no longer a cop." "Sorry, Hammer." "They laid off a lot of good men." "They ought to be adding cops, not getting rid of 'em." "Guess everybody thinks I let 'em down, huh?" " I'm gonna go." " Thought about a new job?" "No, I was born to do this!" "When I was a kid, I took a vocational aptitude test." "They said I was best suited to be a cop!" "A cop!" "A cop or a game show host." "Listen, there's a lot of things you can do." "I mean, I'm sure you can find something that's worthy of your unique capabilities." "All right, you people, move along." "The rest of you people, stay there." "All right, kids, come on along." "Gee, mister, can I see your gun?" "Son, this thing is not a toy." "You remember that, all right?" "Go ahead." "This city is going wild." "I got snipers and no SWAT team, bombs and no explosives experts and, on top of that, there's an outbreak of crossing guard brutality." "Sir, if things are so bad, perhaps you should consider Hammer." "Hammer?" "Hammer?" "He single-handedly caused this entire mess." "Do you really think you should let one bad day ruin a man's career?" "One bad..." "One?" "One bad day?" "Are we talking about Sledge "I didn't know the thing was loaded" Hammer?" "Yes?" "Oh, that's all I need." "All right, I'll get on it." "Thank you." "Goodbye." "There's been a bomb planted in the business district." "There are over a thousand people down there." "Report to the scene immediately." "Alone?" "What do you expect me to do?" "Look good." "Attention, I want the attention..." "All right, sorry, kid, you're clean." "Go ahead." "'.. update on the business district bomb scare." "'The Extortionist time bomb could go off any second." "Police have evacuated... '" "Sorry, kid, I need this." "official school crossing guard business." "No one has found the bomb and soon a neighbourhood will be laid to waste and no one has the courage to do anything about it, especially..." "Look out!" "Quit lying down on the job, Gumm." "Keep your dignity." " My cast!" " I'll have to sign that later." " I got a bomb to take care of." " Hammer, what are you doing here?" "I won't let some mutant blow up half this city, especially the half I live in." " The bombers are leftist militants." " I hate those guys." "They asked for a million dollars, a plane, and an end to Star Wars." " Yeah, well, three movies were enough." " They tied sticks of dynamite to a clock." "Dynamite tied to a clock." "Oh, finding that will be child's play." "Turn that off!" "I don't wanna make a hero outta that bozo!" "More than you're doing, Gumm." "Gimme that." "We'll let the public decide." "Doreau, get out, get out!" "Only a fool would come in here!" " What's this?" " These are the clocks I checked." " I got all these to go yet." " You'll never make it." "The bomb's gonna go off in a couple of seconds." "I got an idea." "Stand back." "Bingo!" " You know how to disarm a bomb?" " I don't." "I have this." "Bomb Disarming, my Book Of The Month Club selection this month." "Go, Hammer, go!" "Go, Hammer, go!" "Go, Hammer, go!" "Go, Hammer, go!" "Go, bomb, go!" "Go, bomb, go!" " Go, Hammer, go!" " Go, Hammer, go." "Go, Hammer, go." "All right, here we go. "If remaining wires are orange and brown... "" "Orange and brown." "Check." "".. see next volume in the series. " typical!" " What are we gonna do?" " Don't panic." "I've been in pressure packed situations before and there's only one thing to do." "Eenie, meenie, minie, mo." "Whoa!" "What...?" "Time to get up!" "Enough adulation." "Well, I guess even a cretin can look good on TV." "Don't flatter yourself." "Take a second look at this city's cops that took a bum rap on account of me." "By the way, I got something for you." "Officer, would you hold this, please?" "Let's go, Doreau." "Hammer, because of your effort, the Mayor has allowed me to rehire my entire force." "And it has also been approved that we all receive a 20% increase in benefits." "Never thought I'd see the day when I'd say this, but, Hammer," "I'm proud to have you on the force." "If there's anything I can do to show my appreciation, just let me know." "Thank you and get out." "Well, actually, there is one thing." "No!" "Well, you said anything." "No, you said it." "If you don't..." "All right, all right, all right." "What is it?" "It's something I've wanted to do for a long time, but it takes two people." "This does not involve a gun, does it?" "No, no!" "Come on, no, of course not." " No." "No." " Try it." "No!" "No." "Hammer..." "Hammer!"