"Transcript by testexam" "Resync by Lauta" "it's a mystery to me" "How could you have lived" " with that maniac for that long?" " I don't know." " Huh?" " I don't know." " How did you do it?" "'cause, you know, I'm not that guy anymore." " No?" " No." "Honestly, you don't look like that guy anymore." "Look, look how much I've changed." " Did I ever dress like this?" " No." " Your shirt's tucked in." " I'm tucking in." " You've got real shoes on." " Shoes, slacks." "You look like a real person," " not an eighth-grader with silly shoes. - yeah." "I used to walk around in sneakers like an eighth-grader." "I have to say, I love the new Larry." " Really?" " Yeah." " You know what I wanna do?" " Hmm?" "I want to travel with you" "A little traveling in europe maybe, you know, bicycles-- all that stuff you wanted to do..." " Yeah." " ...that you used to ask me about, and "no no, I don't wanna do that;" "there's no golf courses nearby..."" "I don't give a shit about golf anymore." "I just want to be with you." "And you know what else?" "And I know you love scuba diving." "I never did that with you." "You always wanted to go scuba diving." " I know." " You know, I can't see underwater 'cause, you know..." "But whatever," "I'll feel around for the fish, you know." "Well, it seems like you've done a lot of reflecting." "I'm a completely changed man." "The only vestige of my old self is that I've still got the good breath, you know." "That's the thing you're keeping?" "The new Larry's keeping the minty breath, yeah." "The old Larry you're getting rid of?" "He's over." "He's over." "You know, he hated your sister..." "He did?" "You know what?" "Forget that Larry." "He's dead." "He's dead." "He's completely dead." "Anyway, it's really good to see you." "It is good to see you too." "It's very impressive that you're" " Really?" " -- that you're trying." "It is." " I really am trying." " I know." "I can see that." " I really am." " I know." "Hey, let's go to the movies tomorrow night" "Movies, dinner." "Come on, I'll take you out to dinner." "Um, I would love to go to the movies and dinner." "Really?" "Let me just talk to my therapist and see what she has to say first." "I just want to make sure she feels good" " about that." " Mm-hmm." "I'll call my therapist and see what she says and I'll call you." "Great." "Hey, how much are we supposed to tip the bartender, by the way?" "Don't they make too much money?" "I mean, everybody buys a drink." "They get, what, 20% of every drink?" "That's insane, isn't it?" "Well, they work really hard." "Yeah, I know, I know." "It's good." "They're on their feet all night, so whatever." "Whatever they make-- good for them." "They work hard, you know." "It could not have gone better." "It was amazing." "I showed up in-- You know," "I was tucked in, I had shoes on." "She never likes the way I dress, but she noticed the tucked-in and she was very impressed with that." "I looked like a man, you know." "This is great stuff." "It's great progress." " Yeah." " I have to say, it's not surprising, because I'd like to think I know what I'm doing." "And, oh, I said" " I was talking about the future" "If we get back together, what I want to do:" "I want to travel with her, you know, on bicycles." "Scuba diving-- in a zillion years wouldn't I go, but, you know what?" "I would do it with her." "I really would." "Be enthusiastic, but don't make any specific promises that you can fulfill." "That's my own personal advice." "Geez, I said a lot of stuff last night." "Let's deal with that when it arises." "Oh, I might be bicycling in france in a couple of months." "Again, let's focus on the next stage." "I asked her to go to the movies tonight, okay?" "And the therapist gave her the green light, so we're going to dinner and a movie, or a movie and a dinner, depending on the starting time." "Sometimes it works out you go to a dinner and a movie, sometimes it's better to have dinner after the movie," " so you have something to talk about." " Movie, dinner." "Let's not even waste time talking about that." " Movie, dinner." " Movie, dinner." "So you take her to a movie" "After you do the movie, just reach over, grab her hand, hold it tenderly and tell her, "I love you."" "Really?" " Whisper into her ear, "I love you."" " Okay." "At that point she's feeling vulnerable." "And then at dinner-- that's when you have to up the stakes." "That's when you have to tell her you want her to move back in with you and she has until monday to decide, or that's it." "It works." "That's all I can say." "Wow." "Wow." "She might not like it at first, but there's one thing she won't be able to say, is that the guy who just said that is a pussy." "No one likes a pussy." "What, you're getting a lot of pussy from me?" "Not an amount that is not manageable." "That's why we have to say," ""monday is the cutoff point:" "either we're back on, move back in, or monday-- whew."" "Okay okay." "I think I got it." "Although I gotta say, being a pussy really wasn't my problem with her." "It was more the fact that I was selfish" " and kind of thoughtless..." " We have to stop." "Oh, okay." "Huh." "I thought I had..." "We have to stop." "Go, whew-- Go get 'em." "Okay." "Je t'aime." "Je t'aime aussi..." "I love you." "I gotta tell ya, the new Larry is really working for me." "Let me tell you something, okay?" "The new Larry can really make you happy." "I really can." "I know I can." "Just the idea of you wanting me to be happy is amazing." "Not just happy, but really, like, delirious." " Delirious?" " Delirious." "hi." " What a surprise!" "Is this what I think it is?" "Well, we're just..." " Having dinner." " ...having dinner, talking." "This is one great picture." "I love it." "It's good to see you guys." "Hey, can I ask you for a quick favor?" "Nan's dad dan has alzheimer's..." "Really?" "oh." "We're having a five-mile walkathon at venice beach." "I need you to sponsor me." "Jeff's doing it." "$50 a mile-- 250 bucks." "So you want me to sponsor you?" "Yeah, sure." "250 bucks." ""Larry david," right there." "It's worth it, believe me." "You don't know what alzheimer's is." " He's got it bad." " Really?" "What does he do?" "He runs around the house all day naked, chasing himself, playing tag." " It's awful." " Really truly?" "He screams at the cat 'cause she didn't vote." "Wow." "Every time he farts, he calls the fire department." "Just sign it, please." "Don't make me beg you." "You know..." "It is a great cause." "Yeah." "Yeah, sure." " That's great." " Of course." "It's a damn good cause." " Oh, thank you, honey." "Whoa." " Thank you very much." " Yeah." " There you go-- 250 bucks." " Thank you, Larry." " Great to see you too again." "It's good to see you guys." "Thanks." "It's so nice of you to sponsor him." "Come on, what is it?" "$250?" "I know, but I feel like usually you would complain or, I don't know, give him a hard time, but..." " Old Larry." " I know." "I feel like you are a different person." "Honey, I am a different person." "I'm so different." "Listen..." "I want you to move back in with me." "You have till monday to decide." "Monday?" "Yeah, monday." "Then the offer's off the table." "You're giving me an ultimatum?" "What...?" " Oh my god." "You know what?" " Oh, okay." " You don't have to wait till monday." " Okay, so..." " Guess what?" "The answer is no." " Okay, there's no ultimatum." " You're never going to change, Larry." " Take your time." " You obviously have no idea." " Take a month, I don't care." " Don't call me, please, ever." " What?" "no!" "Hey, Cheryl." "Cheryl." "Cheryl, the therapist told me to say that." " Oh, really?" " I want you to move in." "I do love you." "You know what, Larry?" "I thought the new Larry didn't lie." " I'm not lying." " Oh, really?" "The therapist said that." "He gave me the deadline." "I'm so stupid." "I was actually believing you." "No, believe me." "That was all true, except for the deadline part." "The therapist told me to say that." "Cheryl!" "But the deadline" "Agh!" "Agh!" "Agh-hh!" "oh." "You ruined my life." "You ruined my life, okay?" " Okay." " Give her an ultimatum?" " Whoa, okay." " What the fuck was that?" " I was this close, this close!" " Larry, you're angry." "She's gone." "It's a setback." "It's a setback." "I told you she wasn't bothered by the high pussy percentage," " but you didn't listen to me." " We ran out of time." "I had to see someone else who was suicidal." "You know what we're gointo do now?" "We're going to go to her house and you're going to tell her that the whole thing was your idea." "Okay, let's have a session." "No, I don't want to have a session." "You're going to tell her that you told me to give her that stupid ultimatum." "Larry?" "Sorry for popping in on you like this." " Hello, I'm Dr. Bright." " This is my therapist." " Hi, I'm Cheryl." " Could we come in" " and talk to you for just a few minutes?" " Larry..." "It won't take long." "I guess so." "Come on in." "Thanks." "Wow." "You're on the ocean?" "Yeah." "Wow, this is..." "These places are expensive, on the water, aren't they?" "My therapist said that I should do something nice for myself, sort of a love-me gift." "And I decided, you know what?" "I've always wanted to live on the beach." "I can do it now, so..." " Very good advice." " Yeah." "Oh, you think so?" "mm." "I don't remember you telling me to get any love-me gifts." " We were moving onto that at some point." " Oh, really?" " We would have arrived at that." " Oh, interesting." "So what do you guys need to tell me?" " Go ahead, bright." " Okay." "I gave Larry some flawed advice." "I told Larry to give you an ultimatum." "He told me to say that." "You told him to say that?" "Yeah, because the picture that was painted of you was not the person I'm seeing" " What?" " well, no no no." "I mean that you" "What does that mean?" "I think-- I don't know." "I just had-- It means nothing." " What did you think?" " I thought maybe you were the kind of person who would like an ultimatum." " And you're not, clearly." " What kind of picture are you painting of me?" "Just a loving portrayal." "It was-- it was a deeply loving portrayal." "But-- but" "What have I been saying about her?" "You didn't describe her physically" "So I didn't know what she looked like." "That's why I'm just saying, whoo!" "I'm just impressed." "Why would it matter what somebody looks like physically" " What kind of advice-- ?" " because you get the face you deserve, right?" "The face tells a story." "All right, all right." "The point is, you get an idea of the person who I've been listening to here?" " Is it coming through to you?" " Yeah." "So you told Larry to give me an ultimatum." "Fine, okay." "Now I know that." " Okay?" " He is to blame." "I'm 90% to blame for everything." "90%?" "I think 100%. 100% to blame." "Well, I'm taking a lion's share." "No, take more than a lion's share." "Take the whole share." "Take it all." "Okay, all right." "No, that's fair." "Yeah, I'm 100% to blame." "I told Larry to do the" "To hold your hand, to say, "I love you."" " The new Larry-- it's all me. - all right, no no no." "The new Larry is you?" "What?" "What did you say?" "You're not responsible for the new Larry." "I'm the new-- you didn't make the new Larry." "You told me to take 100%." "I invented the new Larry, not you." "What about tucking in the t-shirt?" "You didn't tell me-- You told me to tuck in?" "All right, I understand what you're saying." "I'm going to talk to Dr. Salvin and figure it out, so thanks." "All right." "Okay." "All right, thanks for coming, I guess." "Why are you taking credit for new Larry?" "I laid the foundation for new Larry." "Bullshit-- You laid foundation." "You're a moron." "How could you suggest such a thing?" "It's not an exact science." " And I mean..." " Clearly." "I mean, that is unbelievable, seriously." "The thing about it is that..." "She doesn't make a move now in her life unless her therapist tells her." "But the therapist doesn't know anything about me." " I'm not represented there." " No, you're not." "If the therapist knew me, okay?" "If the therapist thought I was a terrific guy," " there would be a counterargument to it." " Right." "How do you get to her?" "I got it." "Let's go." "Come on." " Come on, bright." " Yeah, thank you." "So you jump out, you grab the therapist's purse." "Then I come out of nowhere," "I tackle you, take you down, get the purse from you." "You run off, you get yourself a cup of coffee, a piece of pizza." "And I return the handbag and I'm like a god, you know." "Pshh, I'll do that shit." " Yeah." "Yeah." " I'll do it." "What the fuck?" "You're my motherfucking man, Larry." "Is he the greatest?" "Are you the greatest, man?" " What's up?" "That's how we do it, yo." " You are the greatest." "That's how we fucking do it." "I walk by, I grab the fucking purse." "I run down the street, Larry pops the fuck out, tackles me, tries to get the purse back." "I fuck Larry up, I keep on rolling." "You" "Somebody gotta get fucked up, Larry, right?" "You don't need to-- what are you saying, fuck me up?" "When you tackle me I ain't going to look like a fucking bitch and shit," " let you fuck me up." " No." "I tackle you and then you run away." "You run away." "The more fucked up you are, the more of a hero you're gonna look like." "I'm going to break your fucking teeth, your glasses or something." "Leon, I don't need to look like that much of a hero." "Just stopping you and giving her her purse back's enough." "There's no way in hell." "You can't do that shit half-speed." "It's not realistic, Larry, if I don't fuck you up." " Hey, who's this?" " Hello, I'm Dr. Bright." "That's my therapist I was telling you about." " Oh, is this Mr. Ultimatum?" " Yeah." "Yo, man, that idea you came up with was awful." "So what's going on, l.d.?" "Nothing." "Nothing really." "What's happening?" "What's happening, Leon?" " Larry wants me to mug somebody." " Who?" "Who?" " Yeah, but it's a pretend mugging." " It's pretend." "It's all for fun." "I know you're not going along with that." "Ain't nobody gonna get hurt." "I'ma grab the fucking purse..." " Leon!" " ..." "Larry's going to jump out and try to stop me," " I'ma fuck Larry up..." " You're not gonna fuck me up." " You done lost your mind, Leon." " You done lost your mind." "He's not doing it!" "You know what?" "This pasty-ass motherfucker got you into it." "Have him get your ass out of it." "She's right." "I'll do it." "Eh, fuck it." "There's her therapist." "Okay okay, that's her." "You see her?" "Yeah, okay." "All right, let's go." "What are you doing?" "What is this?" "You look like a rapist with that thing on." "You don't need that." "You know what?" "Put the hood up." "Isn't that a cliche?" " It's not a cliche." "Put the hood up." " All right." "All right, good." "What?" "I've changed my mind." "I can't do it." "I can't do it." "Go do it." " Give me your bag." "I'm mugging you." " No." "No." "I got it!" "I got it!" "Oh my god." "Oh my god." "Now run!" " Thank you." " You'd better run!" "Oh my..." "Here you are." "Thank you." "That was amazing." "You came out of nowhere." " Ma'am, are you okay?" " I didn't even see you." "Yeah, we're-- We're okay." "Do what you have to do." "How did you-- How did you do that?" "I never even saw you" "What was I going to do?" "I saw that and I had to do something." "I can't believe what I just witnessed." "Thank you from the bottom of my heart." "Well, you're welcome." "You take good care of yourself, okay?" "Thank you." "I'm a little shaken." "Shake it off." "Go get yourself a drink or something." " Yeah." " Okay." "Wait, I never even asked your name." "It's Larry" "Larry david." "Larry david?" "Very funny." "Spread your legs." "That was amazing." "I mean, the way you swept in and took control-- That didn't seem real." "It was real." "I can tell you that." "I'm still a little shaky, I guess." " It's to be expected." "My god. - that guy" " That strange, horrible man..." " Horrible." "But you were just like clint eastwood." "I mean, you just swept in there and..." "I have never seen anything that brave." "Eh, please, really." "I didn't even think twice about it." "The only thing I did think about for a second was my glasses, but that's it-- only the safety of my glasses." "'cause these are irreplaceable." "What do you do, may I ask?" "Oh, I'm a therapist." " You're a therapist?" " Yes." "Oh, boy, I could really use a therapist myself." "My wife left me after a long time and" "I'm not going to bother you with all this, you know." "That's all right." "Please." "Well, my wife left the house recently and it's been quite devas" " I'm sure it's-- - it's been quite devastating for me, but anyway..." " I'm sorry." " That's okay." "But I feel like she never really had any idea who I was." "All this time, all these years," "I really hid the real me, the me who saves people." "And, you know, I have been doing that most of my life." "You know, I gave a kidney to my friend..." "Oh, I didn't know that." "Why would you?" "No, I wouldn't." "I just" "All right, well, I gotta go." "You are such a good person." "Do you know that?" " Am I?" " Oh..." "Yes." "Okay." "So great to have met you." "Yes." "I'd better get going." "You take care of yourself." "Well, thanks again." "So long." "Goodbye, Larry david." "Oh, wow." "Hey." "How are you doing?" "Well, I'm in prison." "Yeah." "Jesus." "I spent the night in a cell that's smaller than my closet." "Oh, man, oh, man." "I'm so sorry." "My feet stick out through the fucking bars." " Your feet stick out?" " Yeah, my feet stick out." " You're not even that tall." " I know." "I know." "I'm not even that tall, and my fucking feet stick out." " How tall are you?" " 5'10"." " You're 5'10"?" " Yeah." "You're 5'10"?" "Stand up." "Let me see." " You're not 5'10"." " I'm 5'10", I am." "Well, a hairsbreadth under." "You're cheating a little bit." "I don't think you're 5'10"." "In the heel, I am-- That's not the point." "The point is I'm sharing a room with a 300-lb fucking guy with a hairy back." "Sometimes you make friends in a situation like this." "They become your friend for life." "He doesn't speak english." "Okay, all right." "Oh, good news:" "after you were taken away the therapist and I went to have coffee" "Whew, the plan worked fantastic." "I'm pretty optimistic." "And you know what?" "Thank you. 'cause you were there at its inception." "You pushed it through." "I'm very happy for you, but it's not top of the list of my priorities right now." "We're going to get you out of here." "Don't worry about it." "Do we have a time frame?" "Can you give me a time frame?" " 24 hours..." " Okay, I think I can-- ...48 at the most." " What's after 48?" "72?" " 72, yeah." "58, 68-- right, 72." "And then..." "Don't say "and then..."" "What do you mean, 72?" "That's beyond what-- ...96?" "Please, let's aim for 24." "You got a deck of cards?" "Can you play solitaire or anything?" "What can you do here?" "I don't have a deck of cards, but yes, I do know how to play solitaire." "I should have brought a deck of cards." "Damn it." "It's always good to have a deck of cards, no matter where you are." "What are you talking about?" "Just get me out of fucking prison." "I'm not talking about cards." "Just get me out of fucking prison, please." "I'm sorry, we're going to have to stop." "We have more time." "Cheryl's getting out of her therapy appointment and I really need to talk to her." "I've not spoken to anyone normal in 24 hours and I'm scared." "We have to stop." " Hello?" " Oh, hi, Cheryl." "How did your session go today?" "Larry, I've spoken to my therapist and she told me I shouldn't ever be speaking to you again." "She said that?" "Yeah." "I'm sorry, Larry, really." "Are you kidding?" "I should go." "I should go." "Goodbye, Larry." "Hey, Cheryl!" "Excuse me." "Excuse me." "Excuse me." " Hey." " You're not gonna believe this:" "Cheryl called me up, told me that her therapist urged her" "Urged her never to see me again." "That makes no sense whatsoever." " Oh my god." " Huh?" "What?" "She likes me." "Her therapist likes me." "That's why she told Cheryl not to see me." "She wants me for herself." " Oh my god!" "Oh my god!" " Huh?" "What am I going to do?" "If I reject her, she'll say bad things about me to Cheryl." "And if I'm nice to her, she'll think I'm interested." "Oh, you are screwed." "I've got to get out of this." "What am I going to do?" "I think you're fucked." "That's what I think." "Tommy!" " Is that funkhouser?" " Yeah." "What is he doing here?" "He's supposed to be walking." "He's having a cup of coffee?" "I'll see you later." "Hey." "L.d., how are you doing, pal?" "Where's your shirt?" "What are you doing?" "You're supposed to be walking." "I raised money." "I don't walk." "You didn't tell me you were sitting." "I wouldn't have given you money in the fist place." " I didn't say I was walking." " The walking's implied, is it not?" "No, I said, "sponsor me for the walkathon."" "Okay, walkathon-- Walk." "Why do you want me to walk?" "You took money under false pretenses." "So you don't care about alzheimer's?" "Alzheimer's?" "You were diagnosed with alzheimer's?" "!" "Yeah, and you're the first person I've told." "I haven't told anybody." "You're the only one who knows." " So this is just the very earliest onset?" " Yeah." "I mean, it's not early." "I'm sort of halfway between early and middle." "What's that called?" "I don't know if there's a term for that." "Maybe I have a quarter...?" "I have to confess something." "After we met and connected," "I was hoping that, you know, maybe there was some kind of future." "In three to five years I'll be a vegetable." "Listen, you helped me the other day and I want to help you." "I forgot your name." "You must go back with your wife." "Hearing this news-- you must go back with your wife." "Oh my god." "Yes, I know, but what can you do?" "Well, you never know." "Let's order." "I'm getting hungry." " We did order." " We did?" "Yeah, you had the chicken salad." " I ordered chicken salad?" " Yeah." "Do you not like-- ?" " I don't even like chicken salad." " Oh my god." " God damn it." " No no no, we'll switch." " Excuse me, Dr. Salvin?" " Oh, yes." "I'm detective kennan, l.a.p.d." "I talked to your assistant." "She told me I could find you here with Mr. David." "I have some questions about your purse-snatching." "Now I understand you didn't get a look at the guy, but that you did." "We actually have the guy already." "I just want some basic information so we can keep him." "So, what did he look like?" "I" " I don't remember." "Aw, jeez." "There he is." "There's my guy." "Hey ya, bright." "Hey ya, bright boy." "Huh?" "How's it going?" "Uh, not too good." "What's the matter?" "You seem a little down." "I don't know what I'm gonna do with my life." " Really?" " Yeah." "Oh, hey, get this:" "I'm going out with Cheryl tonight." "I've got a date with Cheryl." " Good." " It's fantastic." "I'm so thrilled." "Come on." "I'm pretty excited, bright." "I think it's going to work out." "You did it." "That was" "There you go, big winner." "Hey..." "That is so sweet." "Thank you." " Let's go on the ferris wheel." " Okay." "It's the most bizarre experience of my life and I just need someone to speak to about it because I can't work and I can't sleep." "And you come highly recommended." "Why don't you start from the beginning?" "Um, well, one of my clients is this bald guy, um..." "I want you to move back in with me." "You have till monday to decide." "Okay." " Really?" " Yeah." " I love you, Larry." " I love you." "Hello?" "Hi, Dr. Salvin." "ah."