"The heads tonight - teenage boy roasts himself in sacrifice to Chris Kelly..." "Heseltine fading fast... and headmaster suspended for using big -faced child as satellite dish." "This is the newsl" "This is the news!" "Coming up - "Why can't I be king?"pleads Patten..." "What is unreasonable about that proposal?" "...and mad lord says it's not too late for Freddie Mercury." "I'd recommend she went to her local Benefits Agency office, sought advice there, and I'm sure she'd find that by getting hold of family credit, she might find herself considerably better off..." "News!" "London Transport say they may have to close the underground system due to an infestation of horses." "A report described conditions as "like an abattoir in a power cut"." "Ted Maul reports." "For years, the tunnels and shafts have harboured a small population of wild horses without bothering the commuters." "The only pest control necessary was performed by teams of "fluffers", who remove hair from the tracks." "See the hair?" "In 1970 came the "crackers", special staff who patrol the darkened tunnels every day and kill the horses with hammers." "Now, say officials, the horses have become a menace." "(PA) Due to a large pile of horses at Marble Arch, all services have been cancelled." "(TED) Many drivers are heavily traumatised." "Only one today could describe the conditions." "Loads of horses." "At least 3o, I'd say." "As the train approaches, they run away from the train... stampede in the opposite direction, like." "And what the drivers fear most of all is a head-on collision with a blind tube marel" "Well, it's instant death." "It comes straight through the window, crushes you to death." "Personally, I think the management should get rid of them." "And just ten minutes ago, the Home Secretary announced that he personally will go into the tunnels this weekend armed with a special gun." ""The Day Today" - news from telly to bellyl" "Now from our travel tower a mile above the centre of Britain, Valerie Sinatra." " Valerie, how's it all looking?" "Nice?" " A bucketload of mixed blessings, Chris." "Let's look at the M18." "That's starting to clear now after that quiet stretch of the A49 was brought down, so that's very good news." "The M11 is still very busy indeed." "It's nose-to-tail coaches, cars, pedestrians, and if you take a close look, you can make out a piece of pie there." "That's not helping at all." "You'll have heard about the motorway pile-up this afternoon." "The M6, M58, M61 and the M56 all collided, so safer to avoid that altogether." "Good news, however, on the A12." "Earlier congestions have cleared, so you should be able to go there and bathe a child." "Finally, a warning to speeding motorists." "Police marksmen are stationed on all major roads in and out of London." "Anybody caught speeding can be shot in the chin, so avoid that, too." " Back to you, Chris." " Thanks, Valerie." "Great." " Thanks." "Take care." " You, too." "See you tomorrow?" " I will." "I hope so." " OK, thanks." " Ciao, Chris." "Bye!" " Bye-bye." "The BBC is ditching "The Nine O'Clock News"" "in favour of a new soap opera, "The Bureau"." "Set in a 24-hour bureau de change, it just started on BBC1, so let's see what all the fuss is about." "(THEME MUSIC)" " Hi, Alex." " Oh, hi, Maria." "Didn't see you there." "I just popped in to see how you were." " We'll discuss it later!" " Well, that suits me just fine." "Nice colour, Ange." "What is it?" "Chilli hot pepper?" "No, just a bit of henna." " You got a problem?" " No." "You bloody cow!" "(ALL SQUEAL AND SHOUT)" "Oi!" "What's goin' on 'ere?" "This is supposed to be a high-class bureau de change, not some two-bit Punch and Judy show on the seafront at Margate!" "It's OK, Mr Hennety." "Just a little misun..." " Shut it!" " Why?" " Because." " Because I'm gay?" "Is that it?" "Go on, say it." "You're on borrowed time, sunshine." "And as for you... you can pack your bags." "You're out!" " Alan." "Sport." " Thanks, Chris." " There was an amusing incident..." " Sorry, Alan." "We've just had news of a dramatic incident." "The queen and John Major have had a fight." "It happened during the prime minister's weekly meeting at Buckingham Palace." "On the big screen now is our correspondent Jennifer Gompertz." "The prime minister's weekly meeting normally lasts an hour." "Today, he was seen to leave hurriedly after just 17 minutes." "It's clear a disagreement took place which may have involved physical violence." "Palace staff said they heard loud swearing voices and bodies falling against furniture." "One said Mr Major emerged with a red mark across his face and bleeding legs." "Seconds after Mr Major's departure, the queen's doctor arrived at speed and ran inside." "Neither the Palace nor Downing Street have issued a statement." "And a few moments ago, we received this amateur footage, which seems to show that the queen and John Major were in some kind of drubbing incident." "As a result of that broadcast, the crisis has deepened." "I'm joined by crisis correspondent Spartacus Mills." " Spartacus, this is huge." " It's bigger than that." "It's large." "If you've got a history book, throw it out." "The history books have to be rewritten." " What will they say?" " Simply "John Major punched the queen."" "Can you sum it up in a sound?" " Whaaaaoo!" " Thank you." " Alan." "Sport." " Thanks, Chris." "Well, as I said, it was..." "Shut it, Alan." "I want you to stop." "Programmes have been suspended on all channels to allow the broadcast of this film, held in reserve for times of crisis." "(NARRATOR) Britain is a nation built on the very scowling face of adversity, its dauntless spirit unbowed by any crisis." "This is Britain at its best." "(ORCHESTRAL VERSION OF "I VOW TO THEE, MY COUNTRY")" "This is Britain, and in this glittering sea, this perfect fusion of man and mineral, we know that conflict will always perish in the brotherhood of flags." "This is Britain, and everything's all right." "Everything's all right." "It's OK." "It's fine." "We've been watching Number 1o." "Not much going on at the moment, but both sides have agreed a solution, involving the queen processing to Number 1o and returning several punches to Mr Major's face." "That's later, so onto business." "Collately Sisters, how many number 1os are in your report?" "Thanks, Chris." "There was a big smell of fear in the City when Bottington Fiasco fell 1o percentages..." " There's one!" "...leaving the cup open for Silica Fistfruit." "There were no dollars today." "I'm Collately Sisters." "Onto the money markets and the currency kidney." "There's pressure on the Bundesvessel, leading to inflammation in the exchange tract, causing a flow of waste pounds across international membranes." "In summary, then - seven's a bit younger." "Chris." "Later tonight on BBC2, another probing interview in "The Dentist's Chair"." "This week's guest is Richard Branson." "You're in the public eye a lot." "At home are you private or do you prefer being a public person?" "(MUMBLES)" "Yeah?" "Well, Richard Branson, thanks for coming in the dentist's chair." "Now I'll just clean you up." " And then at half past eight..." " John Fashanu..." "John Fashanu..." "John Fashanu..." "John Fashanu..." "John Fashanu..." "John Fashanu..." "That's John Fasharnoo tonight on BBC2." "Coming up - the queen marches on Downing Street." "There she is in a cart... and whatever next in "The Bureau", the soap opera that's got them all in a lather." "My God!" "Ange!" " Pills!" "Call an ambulance!" " Don't bother." "She's dead!" "There's a note." "It's for you." ""It's Hennety's fault."" "Look, I never thought I'd say this, but... pull down the blinds!" "I'm closing the bureau... for an hour." "A large build-up of air traffic over London has tonight jammed solid in the sky." "Thousands of aircraft ground to a halt in mid-air and may soon start falling like massive buses." "The air jam started around 2pm, bringing chaos to Heathrow and Gatwick, both airports, today." "In an air jam, there's gridlock and no way out." "The planes just slow down and stop." "It's been known for years that it could happen, but no emergency measures were ever made." "The last-minute efforts of Transport Secretary John MacGregor did little to help." "Is he always breaking things?" "The irony is that while people lie around like the dead, those in the air will actually die and end up like the ratatouille at the canteens which are responding to strong demand here." "Time now for resident humorist Brant, physical cartoonist from the "Telegraph", to roast everybody with his pomposity pistol." "Mr Brant, do something that'll make them, any politician, feel really ashamed." "Thanks, Chris." "This week, Bill Clinton showed, like Icarus, he can't stand the political heat." "Oh!" "Whoa!" "America now, and this report." "Milwaukee State Penitentiary." "On Death Row, it's wedding bells, not execution yells, as condemned strangler Chapman Baxter prepares to tie the knot with female felon Charlene Gray." " (MUFFLED) I love you." " I can't hear you." "Baxter goes to the chair tomorrow, but not before he weds the convicted arsonist who set his heart on fire." "I ain't never loved nobody, nobody never loved me." "Meeting Charlene was like a bolt from the blue." "We figured why the hell not?" "Why shouldn't I get married like a regular person?" "We ain't gonna go to no altar." "We're just gonna get on this double 'lectric chair." "When I put the ring on Charlene's finger, that connects the circuit, and when we kiss, that completes the circuit, and then you know what's gonna happen." "(BARBARA) The fried-to-be makes last-minute preparations for her impending ending." " Did you ever kill anyone?" " Only my dog." "The preparations for the connubial killing start at 11am, when Charlene Gray walks down the aisle into a sit-down reception." "There's even a cake for this wedding wake, but for minister Alvin Holler, it's the bride who'll end up with the most tears." "I thought, "Why she wanna do a goddamn thing like that?"" "Did you try to counsel the bride?" "Yes, ma'am." "She sure pretty." " But not for long." " No, ma'am." "She gonna die like a dawg." "It's the morning of the nuptocution, and everything's ready to give these newly-deads a sizzling send-off." "(ORGAN MUSIC)" "Place the ring on her finger." "I now pronounce you man and wife." "You may kiss the bride." "Clear the area!" "As Baxter leaves his bride jolted at the altar, we all get to toast the happy couple." "Barbara Wintergreen, CBN news, Milwaukee State Penitentiary." "Time now for the weather with Sylvester Stuart." "Starting in the south-east - drizzly in the morning, like waking up next to a corpse." "Wales should start nice, but old weather will drift back, and rain will bitch down." "Things should improve in the north and west, which will collide mid-afternoon, and there'll be thunderstorms later, about the volume of a Thin Lizzy concert." "In summary, then - aah!" "And that's all the weather." "Wise words from Sylvester Stuart." "Sport." "Alan, you're a word man, aren't you?" "Um, I certainly am." "I like words..." "They help you when you're having a chat." " Do you feel them?" " Certainly do." "What do they feel like?" "Euurgh..." "Something like that." " Do long words feel different?" " Yeah..." "What about significant words?" " Alan?" " What?" "What do significant words feel like?" "Well..." "Er..." " Do they feel different?" " Yes." " I'm Alan Partridge..." " "Buttress" is a significant word!" "Yeah." "This is "Sports Desk"." "Football." "The Liverpool versus Tanners match ended last night with defeat for the Tanners." "I visited their dressing room." "The atmosphere here hangs heavy, like a big smell - the smell of men, the smell of cats' musk." " Bob Mariner, you missed the penalty." "Why?" " Yeah, Alan, it was a bad one." " It was over in an instant..." " You looked really stupid." "Yeah." "It wasn't a good performance." "I'm taking a shower now..." " Thank you." " Thank you." "Er, are you going to wash away the stain of defeat?" "Um, yeah..." "Get clean now, and start again with the rest of the season." "But when you go home and get into bed with your wife tonight, you're going to sleep with her, she sees the stain on your body and says, "Bob, remove the stain."" " Will you remove it?" " I'm not married, Alan." " No, but you've got a girlfriend." " Yeah." " (JEERING)" " Yes!" "Shut up." "Show jumping." "I managed to catch up with the Australian dazzler Katrina Parfitt after this morning's big horse event." "Katrina, quick word." "Let me say you look fantastic on a horse." "Thank you." "You're like the Lone Ranger on Tonto." " How do you feel?" " Disappointed." "I didn't make it this time, but that's the way it goes." "I was gutted." "I love those little touches - the way you smile at the judge, a little wink..." "Well, it goes on skill and discipline." "I'm sure it does, but if I'd been a judge, I'd have been a complete mess." "What about the horse?" "How's that handling?" "Well, Sir Danzig wasn't doing too well." "He shied away from the water jump." "Well, if you have any more problems with him, you can ride me round the paddock." "Anyway, I think that next year, I'll have better luck." "When... when... when you..." "How do you ride a horse?" " How do I?" " How do you ride a horse?" "I've been riding since the age of about five." "I think it's something that's in the blood." "Sir Danzig..." "Is my horse." "And next year I shall win on him." " You tell 'em." " Thank you." "Thank you... very much." "Thank you." "Katrina Parfitt." "A lady." "A fact, alone and tumbling through infospace." "Without help, it could vanish for ever." "Because only this can make it a news." "Here with comments on stuff we've seen, resident reactor Jacques 'Jacques' Liverot, who's been commenting on everything." "He just gets on with it." "Let's dip into him now." "(FRENCH ACCENT) If we could see politics, what would it look like?" "A cube... but with all its corners on the inside." "Back now to the constitutional crisis." "The queen processes to Downing Street to punch John Major in the face." "Huge crowds are gathering already." "Our reporter among it all, Jonathan Sizz." "Thank you." "It really is a magnificent potato of a day." "This is the route Princess Anne is taking as the queen's second." "The queen herself will be going down the Mall, around Trafalgar Square, then on down Whitehall itself to Number 1o." "I've been meeting people here who've been getting terribly excited." " Nice to see the queen bouncing back?" " Indeed." " A good quality bounce?" " Most certainly." "Do you think the prime minister will lose?" "I..." "I couldn't honestly say." "It'll be close, but should the queen end up on top?" "Yes, certainly." "If you could administer on-the-spot justice to someone who punched the monarch, what would you do to them, if you were right there next to them?" "Well, I would smother the person, whoever it was, if anybody attempted to assault the sovereign." "If you'd been there, you'd have smothered Major?" " Yes." " With your own clothing?" " Yes." " Or anything else?" "Cloths?" " Yes." " Blankets?" " Yes." " Even a handkerchief?" "Yes." " What would you have said to him?" " I wouldn't have said anything." " No words, just physical action." " Physical action." "That's all." " Flatten the bugger." " That's right." "And whilst that was going on, the queen took a secret tunnel straight into Number 1o." "This afternoon, opposition MPs turned up to weaken the prime minister." "That was part of the deal, too." "He received a stream of colleagues to use as sparring partners and tactical pain advisors, including Kenneth Clarke, Michael Howard," "Christopher Biggins and Michael Heseltine." "Mr Major then received strength from supporters and well-wishers, including pop star George Michael." "Our cameras have been rolling all the time." "I'm told if we turn the sound up, we can hear the solemn punching up." "(DISTANT FANFARE)" "(FAINT THUMPING)" "To commemorate, the Post Office has released a special stamp featuring the queen and John Major kissing." "If democracy is a bra, then the monarchy are breasts." "And we cannot imagine a society without breasts." "Et là." "It's difficult not to feel humbled or ashamed after that." "Soul reversal." "We're looking today at soul reversal." "Good or bad thing?" " Good." " Should it happen more often?" "Yes, I think so." "Yes." "Is it the sort of thing you can feel or does it happen slowly?" "Slowly." "Definitely slowly." " Can you feel it beginning to happen?" " Yes." "And what's the sensation like as you experience soul reversal yourself?" "Not very nice." "Would you like to see it in crowded areas like football matches or quiet areas like churches, churches, churches?" " Football matches." " At football matches?" "Players, as well?" "Yes, certainly for the players." "By what degree would you like to see the soul reversed?" " Well, all the way." " Let's look at it like this." "Could you hold the microphone and I'll just show you?" "Taking a standard soul like that and something to reverse it on like this... with 9o, 18o, 27o or 36o..." "How much should it be reversed by?" " Half." " Like this?" "So that's the ideal soul reversal for a football match?" "Definitely, yeah." ""The Day Today" - approaches the buffet with an extremely broad plate." "And more from "The Day Today's" special germ-in-the-pipe documentary on St Lamb's pool in Acton." "(MONOTONE VOICE) I'm the pool supervisor, night supervisor." "I basically watch the monitors at night to see if anything occurs." "There was one incident - I remember it quite clearly." "I was filling in a puzzle and I heard the noise." "There was a commotion up in the rafters." "Somehow - and it's never known to this day - a pigeon had got in and was flapping about in the rafters." "We called a bird specialist." "They removed it in the morning." "I'm really sorry this has occurred." "If you'd like to talk to Vicky afterwards, we'd welcome you having a few free swims at our expense, because it's very unfortunate, so talk to Vicky..." "I think this violates the health and something..." "You'll get an early bird swim, all right?" " (QUACKS)" " Just shut it, right?" "Just cut it out now!" "I'm never tempted to use the pool myself at night, um... although, some time ago, I used to go down and take showers, and on one occasion, I went down to the pool and found a woman's swimming costume," "which I put on and paraded around, singing a song, a Joan Baez protest song." "This is procedural inaccuracy." "What should we do when there's a roach in the pool?" " What do we shout?" " "Mr Linus is in the pool."" "What did you shout? "Oh, my God!" "A cockroach!"" " Took me by surprise." " This is indicative of..." " (VICKY) Shut up." "It's not funny." " It's not funny." "This pool's been open nearly 4o years, and, in all that time, I only slipped up once, to my mind." "I was engaged in a particularly tricky word puzzle, and 4o people broke in and were in the pool... playing around, ducking, bombing and doing all manner of prohibited activities, and eventually someone was killed." "(INTERVIEWER) Given that your sole responsibility is to maintain the security of the pool, isn't that an indictment against yourself?" "Well, I would say this " "I've been working here for 18 years." "In 1975 no one died." "In 1976, no one died." "In 1977, no one died." "In 1978, no one died." "In 1979, no one died." "In 198o, someone died." "In 1981, no one died." "In 1982, there was the incident with a pigeon." "In 1983, no one died." "In 1984, no one died." "In 1985, no one died." "In 1986..." "I mean, I could go on." " No." " Right." "Ultra newsl" "Just time for tomorrow's headlines." ""Today" - "You could blow notes across the holes in his head says Sinatra doc."" "The " Herald Tribune" go with " Boiled dog could do maths claims experimenter."" ""The European" - "Elastic song strangles Hucknall."" ""The Daily Telegraph" features tabs down the side for ease of turning the pages." "And "The Independent" go with "Portillo's face felt like guts says girl."" "That's it." "Police are still looking for the actor Burt Reynolds after he stole a dodgem from a fairground in Islington." "The 59-year-old eluded capture after a low-speed car chase and was last seen heading north near Saffron Walden." "That's it." "Goodnight."