"This is the onion news network." "Telling you what we want you to know." "I'm Brooke Alvarez, and we are on high alert here in "the fact zone."" "Tonight, of course, we're focused on the devastating cyber attack by al-qaeda." "We're sent this image of a piglet wearing boots to the American public a few hours ago, effectively crippling our effectively crippling our servers as millions of people forwarded the photo to friends, posted the image on their Facebook walls," "or added it to their Twitter pages, 'causing millions more to respond with comments, like," ""I want one," or, "omfg, cute!"" "Police in hundreds of cities are struggling to maintain order in the midst of Internet outages that are disabling traffic signals, ATMs, hospital databases, and hundreds of other services." "And hundreds of other services." "Joining me now to help walk us through this is general Theodore Cotti from the Pentagon, and Todd grant from the white house." "Gentlemen, thanks for taking the time to speak with us." "Mr. Grant, did the administration have any advance warning on this... any chatter?" "Unfortunately not, Brooke." "Uh, I was first alerted to the cyber attack at 4:51 p.m." "Today when a member of the national security council, uh, ran into my office with his laptop saying, "oh, my God, you have to look at this." ""It is so adorable."" "Now, general Cotti, how was al-qaeda able to pull off an attack of this magnitude?" "Well, our intelligence suggests their initial strike targeted a weak point in America's cyber defenses, forty-five-year-old stay at home mom, Maryanne Halberstroff, of Jacksonville, Florida, who's been known to forward up to 12 chain emails" "and make over 40 Facebook posts about farmville everyday." "So the perfect target?" "Right." "Within minutes of receiving the boot-wearing piglet from al-qaeda, she had sent it to more than 2,000 people, including her tropical fish themed yahoo group and everyone she was on the pta with six years ago." "Yes." "Thank God the piglet was not wearing a little hat or the damage could be far worse." "And how is president Obama responding to this attack?" "Well, as a defensive maneuver, he ordered the Pentagon to create a script that automatically loaded a photo of a nude elderly woman whenever the piglet photo was clicked on." "Unfortunately, many citizens found it funny to send that to their friends as a prank." "Uh, when we pulled it down, the nude elderly woman image was spreading seven times faster than the piglet." "All right." "Now, al-qaeda claimed credit for the attack a few hours ago in a video released to al jazeera." "Let's take a look at that." "And, general Cotti, do we know what kind of attack was being alluded to in that video?" "Well, recent satellite photos of al-qaeda camps show that they've been stockpiling kittens, babies," ""star wars" costumes, even pandas." "Wow." "They could already possess the capability to construct a video so viral it could cripple the nation permanently." "Terrifying." "Mr. Grant, general Cotti, thank you both for speaking with us." "We'll be coming back to this crisis throughout the show, but right now, let's turn to politics." "This week, the senate is yet again debating a new immigration reform bill, and that's what's" ""in my sights" today." "Our legislators have worked untrying to craft a sensible immigration reform bill for years now, taking up thousands of man hours, which is why I believe we suld simply hire some illegal immigrants to write this immigration reform bill" "for us." "It just doesn't make sense for American taxpayers to be spending millions of dollars a year on the salaries of congressmen and senators debating this issue, when we could get a couple of guys from Ecuador or wherever to bang out the bill" "for about six bucks and hour." "President Obama, listen up." "All you have to do is get a truck, drive down to any big hardware store, pick up a few guys from the parking lot, then drive them back to the capitol building, give them some paper and a pen" "and maybe a glass of water, let them do it." "These guys do good work," "I promise." "All right, now it's time for a tragic update in the story of Luke unger, the 16-year-old from Wilmette, Illinois who disappeared last week." "The search for Luke ended today, after authorities discovered his body floating face-down in a local bathtub." "Forty-two year old" "Pete Dufrense, who lives near the bathtub, told reporters he spotted the teen lying motionless in the water and quickly called police." "I was just passing the bathtub on my morning walk from the bedroom to the kitchen, and at first, I thought it was a log or something, and when I got a little closer," "I saw that it was a person." "Poor kid." "He put up a hell of a fight." "I mean, from the looks of it." "I mean, from the looks of it." "While authorities have been unable to determine why unger's severely battered body was completely naked, they are speculating that he had been partying out by the bathtub and fallen in." "He was then unable to swim out of the bathtub, as his hands and feet appeared to have gotten tangled very tightly in some rope." "Very tightly in some rope." "Very sad news there." "Those bathtubs can be dangerous, that's why I never go near them." "I just get a morning steamed towel rub down from a woman," "Claire." "Claire." "Now, before that piglet in boots attack threw everything into disarray this afternoon," "Washington had been buzzing over an announcement by senator" "Dave Tillis, the nation's first openly drunk politician." "The pressures of public life has made me lose sight of what is really and truly important and that is drinking." "I love alcohol, and I need to recommit myself to the consuming of it." "After this is over, I intend to check into the super 8 motel up on I-95, and I'll have an entire case of wild Turkey." "Thank you." "That is all." "I love drinking." "Though, the drunk community has lost a leader," "Tillis has paved the way for other groups." "Republican Victor Sandow, the nation's first openly cocaine addicted politician, is currently leading in the polls for a run-off election the polls for a run-off election that will be held to fill" "Tillis' vacant senate seat." "He appeared in Washington this afternoon, earlier today." "This afternoon, earlier today." "The first thing we're gonna do is take care of this Iran thing." "We're just gonna" "Get it done with." "Uh, you know, fix it." "Okay." "Okay... okay." "Then, we'll get everyone jobs." "Everyone!" "Everyone!" "Sandow then apparently promised to end the aids epidemic in Africa, before stealing all the microphones from the studio." "All right, there's a bit of good news, even amidst this terrible cyber attack." "While everyone is being warned to stay away from their computers, viewers in" "New York can still keep up with my moment to moment" "Twitter updates on" ""the onion news network"" "time square live wall." "Okay, now, as you probably know," ""cross-examination,"" "hosted by former prosecutor shelby cross, is one of the highest rated programs here on "the onion news network."" "Well, this week shelby is helping get Americans involved in keeping their neighborhoods safe by encouraging them to get their own justice sheds." "Here's what shelby said about the campaign on last night's "cross-examination."" "Everyone needs to get a justice shed, so you have a place to throw that little juvenile delinquent you caught loitering out on the street corner, or to throw those illegal immigrants you and your neighbors round up outside the hardware store." "This is not rocket science, people." "If you don't already have a shed or you're not handy with the tools, hop on down to the hardware store and pick one up." "And pick one up." "The police can only do so much, people." "Do so much, people." "They are bogged down with things like finding evidence to prove someone's guilty." "But, look, when I see somebody that I don't trust," "I don't have time for all of that red tape." "I just call up my neighbors," "Frank and Terri, we get out there with baseball bats, fishing nets, and we knock that suspect out, and we toss him in our justice shed, and then it's up to us whether we call the authorities" "or we just start dealing out some shovel beatings." "That's democracy, people!" "If you don't have to limit yourself to one shed, sky's the limit." "We have one viewer, this" "Randall f." "In Branson, Missouri, he made himself a maximum security shed and a juvie shed." "How 'bout that!" "That's the biggest benefit of the justice shed, people." "You are in charge!" "Now, since I've started this campaign, I have received hundreds of "thank yous"" "from people all across this country, who are much safer because they made a justice shed." "I want you to take a look at these." "Uh, shelby, this is the 25th criminal we've caught." "Uh, we just wanted you to see us throwing' him in our justice shed." "Get up!" "You heard me!" "Get in there!" "Get in!" "Get in!" "Shelby, our justice shed was all filled up, so we created this justice cage." "It's just as good." "It's just as good." "These guys, I think we caught them shoplifting, and this is my daughter's boyfriend." "Mom." "Mom." "Shelby, we just wanted to show you the justice shed we got goin'." "My buddy's car got stolen, and someone told us it was someone wearing a blue or red shirt that did it." "Or red shirt that did it." "So we've been rounding' up anyone matchin' that description." "So far, none of them's confessed, but we're gonna start shootin' some bb's in there pretty soon, and we're pretty sure one of them's gonna eak." "One of them's gonna eak." "Look, if you don't have a yard big enough to place a justice shed in, go out and get yourself a justice barrel." "I don't care!" "The important thing is to take control of your safety by any means necessary!" "By any means necessary!" "All right, I'm-I'm just getting word now that we have an urgent news blast coming in." "Details are unclear at the moment, but it appears that al-qaeda has launched a second wave of its cyber attack." "Of its cyber attack." "This animated video of the piglet in boots now wearing ballet shows and doing a crudely animated routine to" ""dance of the sugarplum fairy,"" "which the piglet is also singing in a cute piglet voice." "This devastating video has reportedly overloaded all remaining Internet servers." "I repeat, the United States is now without Internet service." "I don't want to cause a panic, but I urge you to stockpile food, barricade your home, and mentally prepare to kill your neighbors and family members should they turn on you." "We'll be back in a moment." "You're back in "the factone."" "I'm Brooke Alvarez." "If you're just joining us, a terrorist cyber attack has shut down the Internet nationwide." "We're getting word that with no more access to blogs or social networking websites, people are now taking to the streets to broadcast their inane opinions." "Their inane opinions." "The new arcade firetrack is pretty derivative." "Local four is by fa the best I-phone app." "Eat locally, guys." "No way, man." "You gotta slow smoke a brisket for at least 17 hours, and use cedar chips." "And use cedar chips." "We'll continue to keep you updated on this crisis, but right now we have some breaking news coming into us from Wilmette, Illinois." "From Wilmette, Illinois." "Authorities there are reporting a second teenager's body has just been pulled from the bathtub at 119 sycamore Lane." "This time a 17-year-old named Rebecca Roberts." "We're speculating we're speculating that Rebecca saw Luke flailing in the water and jumped in to save him, perhaps underestimating the depth of the water." "From the looks of the cuts up and down her body, we think she may have been dragged along the bottom of the bathtub by the currents." "Pete Dufrense, who lives near the bathtub, noticed the second body floating, face down, while bird watching along the perimeter of the tub." "Teens everywhere should learn a lesson." "It's never good to try to be a hero to save your friends when they're in danger." "It never ends well." "Police say Rebecca's death is the eighth accidental drowning to occur in the bathtub this year." "We simply don't have the resources to post an officer at that tub 24 hours a day." "Uh, we put up a sign, but it keeps getting vandalized." "Such an awful story." "If I was less professional," "I'd probably be choked-up right now." "Okay, let's go over to" "Tucker hope at the recon wall for our "daily briefing."" "Tucker?" "Thank you very much, Brooke." "It's a frightening time to be alive, but I feel safer just knowing that I'm here with you." "Let's start off in Minnesota where yet another celebrity sex tape has surfaced." "This time the steamy tape is an audio recording of radio star Garrison keillor seemingly engaged in a variety of sex acts." "The website radar online posted this seven hour long recording on their website this morning, and we have a clip here." "All these fresh things coming out of the garden." "The rhubarb are ripe, and people have been picking rhubarb now for weeks, they've been, and strawberries." "Oh!" "Keillor, so far, has made no comment about the tape, which at one point includes" ""the prairie home companion"" "naughty boy narrating a day in the life of a turn of the century homesteader while he is believed to be receiving oral sex from two women." "Take a listen." "His mother was hanging up pots and pans after the noon dinner." "Ooh." "The day was Friday." "Woman" "Don't stop." "She would sweep the floor with a broom." "Ooh." "Keep going." "Let's go to" "Saint Petersburg, Florida now where the fda has linked the deadly e." "Coli outbreak there to several employees not washing their hands after using the bathroom." "Fda spokesman Steve Hoyer addressed reporters this afternoon." "Take a look." "Take a look." "I just, um," "I just..." "I..." "I would like to..." "You know, urge the American people to go ahead and wash their hands after handling their own feces, because, honestly, and maybe you don't know this, um... it's not safe to eat human feces!" "Wherever you are, wherever you're sitting, get up and go wash your hands..." "With soap!" "With soap!" "And now moving on to Alabama." "The safety of genetically modified food is once again being called into question after an ear of corn begged for death." "Kill me, please." "Kill me." "It hurts." "Kill me." "Cyn gen, the corn's creator, released a statement assuring the public that there was no danger to the food supply, and it reads..." "Brooke." "Just goes to show you," "Tucker, that people will complain about anything." "Yes, they will." "Now, if you've eaten at a restaurant recently, this next story may shock you." "Gavin fisher and" ""the onion news network's"" "special investigative undercover response team filed this report." "Every day millions of Americans eat out at restaurants, where seemingly nice waitresses charm and enchant them with their warm smiles and playful small talk, but are these waitresses truly nice, or are they using their feminine wiles" "to manipulate you the customer into leaving larger tips?" "We decided to put one subject to the test, Lindsay Kolb." "Lindsay happens to work at the cafe I frequent often." "She always appears to be exceedingly attentive to me and consistently remembers the way I take my coffee." "But does that mean she thinks our relationship is special, or is this how she treats every customer who sits at one of her tables?" "The special investigative undercover response team decided to find out." "Our surveillance team installed dozens of hidden cameras inside the restaurant to gather as much data as possible." "When I entered the restaurant," "Lindsay seemed eager to see me." "Uh..." "But when I took a quick reading of her body temperature, using the siurt heat meter, it was not elevated like mine was." "Our body language analyst informed me later that the way" "Lindsay casually clasped her hands in front of her was indicative of sexual interest." "However, just 11 minutes after taking my order," "Lindsay reproduced this same posture for this person." "As well as this brutish-looking truck driver, who managed to stall her at his table for a full twenty-two seconds longer than me." "Confusing?" "Yes, very, very confusing." "We finally decided to deploy two undercover operatives to infiltrate the staff and procure concrete data on the matter." "Clearly, she was stonewalling us." "Stonewalling us." "So we decided to follow" "Lindsay to her home." "After rendering" "Lindsay unconscious with a powerful sleeping gas we pumped in through the heating vents, our siurt team found no clear evidence that she had a husband or boyfriend." "We'll keep an eye on Lindsay and her type until we find out why she won't return phone calls when she's not seeing anyone." "For this special investigative undercover response team," "I'm Gavin fisher." "I'm Gavin fisher." "Thanks, Gavin." "We're getting an update now on the cyber attack on America." "Coming into "the fact zone"" "coming into "the fact zone"" "live, police are now attempting to control the crowds gathering in major urban centers in major urban centers by using lasers to project the piglet in boots image onto the buildings and clouds." "The cuteness of the piglet is stunning the majority of them into a silent stupor." "Into a silent stupor." "And now we have our "fact zone"" "quick poll question of the day asking whether you think the cyn gen corn should be granted its wish to die." "All right, "the fact zone"" "will be back in a moment." "You're back in "the fact zone" on" ""the onion news network."" "I'm Brooke Alvarez." "Now, occasionally we like to shift our focus from the world's newsmakers to you, the little people." "Today's "eye on the nation"" "comes to us from local affiliate wonn-5 in pennington, Illinois." "Hundreds of people turned out today to congratulate local hero," "John Dillow, on receiving a purple heart and bronze star for his service in Afghanistan, almost 20 years after he shit his pants in the middle of a social studies lesson in" "Mrs. Barnes fourth grade class." "That's right," "Blake." "The courageous action he took to protect his fellow soldiers after he was shot by insurgents is getting him even more attention than when classmates asked, "what's that smell,"" "pointed directly at him and shouted, "oh, my God," ""Dillow shit his pants!"" "John Dillow from..." "Oh, okay." "John Dillow?" "Oh, he's the pants shitter that lives past the old cranston place, right?" "Good for him." "Mayor sue Hallinan invited" "John down to city hall to give him the key to the town he grew up in and crapped himself in." "We're all so proud of you, John." "No one would've imagined that the little boy who had to carry his underpants in a plastic bag and borrow a pair of old gym shorts from the nurse would accomplish so much." "But John isn't just a respected soldier." "The man who once shit right down the leg of his jeans into his sock donates his time and money to the American leukemia society." "Oh, that" "Dillow's a great kid." "He's the kind of guy I would want my daughter to marry, if he could walk ten feet without shitting' his pants!" "Without shitting' his pants!" "Despite his injuries," "Dillow says he's eager to get away from pennington and go back to the fight." "Well, congratulations," "John Dillow." "I know we'll see you shit out some great things in the future." "Here... here." "Amazing." "That John Dillow is such a hero." "I had to tweet a compliment about him." "All right, we have another story out of Wilmette, Illinois, where two teens were dredged where two teens were dredged out of a bathtub earlier today." "The bodies of 22 local teens have just been discovered in a basement less than 30 feet away from the perilous bathtub that claimed the other two lives." "From the looks of the remains, police believe the High School students were spelunking in the underground area, lost their footing, and got stuck down there with no way of getting out." "Concerned citizens are urging teenagers to exercise caution if they find themselves in a dangerous area, like the basement of 119 sycamore Lane." "Of 119 sycamore Lane." "Well, if teens wanna hang out, they should choose a safe place to hang out, like maybe the bedroom of 119 sycamore Lane." "I mean, they have soft-soft cushions there and carpeting." "Very, very sad that these teen's deaths weren't caught on camera." "It would've been great for all of us." "All right, Tucker, are you ready to take us back in history?" "To take us back in history?" "Ready, willing, and able, Brooke." "Today we travel back to a time when dancing wasn't just something you did when you were blackout drunk at your girlfriend's cousin's wedding." "If you were a young hepcat on "this day in history,"" "seventy-five years ago, seventy-five years ago, chances are you were doing the lindy hop, a dance that finds its roots in the virulent anti-semitism that was all the rage at the time." "2med for the Nazi sympathizer," "Charles lindbergh, the lindy hop was originally invented as a way to terrorize" "Jewish shop owners." "Duane Willis was young enough to see the dance's birth firsthand." "Oh, sure." "You grab your best girl, you grab your best girl, go down to the kosher deli with your little victrola, and start swingin' around in the air 'til you're destroying everything in sight." "Everything in sight." "After the dance spread to dance halls and big band clubs, dancers started developing new moves to express bigotry towards Jews." "Express bigotry towards Jews." "Some of the most popular steps at the time were "the fret,"" ""the money counter,"" "and, of course, "eating' babies."" "Eventually, the lindy hop waned in popularity, but this little dance with burning hatred at its heart will always be a part of American history." "Brooke." "Thanks, Tucker." "The world outside is harsh and foreboding, so stay right here in "the fact zone."" "There you are." "I was getting worried." "We have a new development on the cyber attack on the nation coming in now." "Apparently, al-qaeda has just apologized to the American people for the attack." "That's right." "Al-qaeda has sent an e-card to major news outlets." "And Tucker has it here over on the recon wall." "That's right," "Brooke, I have it right here." "Looks like it says," ""we're sorry."" "And let's take a look inside." "Some babies." "A lot of babies." "Yeah." "Oh." "And, uh, I think that there might be a video attached." "Oh, how cute!" "Oh." "Okay, uh, Brooke, uh, my producers are telling me that, um, millions of people are searching "duckling parade"" "right now." "Oh, wait, wait, Tucker, the ducklings have a friend." "It's a dapper gentleman bunny." "Oh, this is too cute." "I've gotta tweet tom on this one." "No, I don't think that that's a good idea." "No, it's just gonna take a minute." "It's no big deal." "No!"