"G-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-d evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, and welcome." "All right." "Alan, we're going to make your life a little easier," " we're going to lower the lights in here..." " I can go home?" " Yeah." "LAUGHTER" "ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS" "Now, Alan..." "Oh, this is unfair!" "Alan gets a girl, I've got Jack!" "LAUGHTER" " I'm going to ask Alan..." " Jack's a girl." "LAUGHTER" "Steady, steady." "I'm going to ask Alan a very specific question now." "Can you feel your sphincter relaxing?" "LAUGHTER" "APPLAUSE" "It's a perfectly innocent question." "I must say, I thought it was until you asked me." "LAUGHTER" "Well, what you might have said is," ""Which sphincter?"" "Oh, of course." "Oh!" "CHUCKLING" "Because you may not know this, but you have many sphincters." " Oh, I know..." "I know a little..." " Yes?" " I know about sphincters." " Tell me about sphincters." "I once had..." "This may not be an appropriate story..." "LAUGHTER" " I certainly hope not!" " ..for QI, but I once had a bladder complaint." "This is not STI, it was just a..." " I was getting up in the middle of the night..." " Why are you looking at me when you say that?" "!" " You're the arbitrator." " Cos I thought you would understand!" " The doctor sometimes says, "We'll pop a camera in..."" " Ow!" ""..and explore..." It was in my bladder," " there was a bit of an issue..." " An endoscope." "Yes." "So they decided to get a camera and just...pop it in my bladder." "And, obviously, the easiest way to get in is to...is to..." " Is through the...schlong." " Is through the schlong." "And I imagined the camera would be like the width of a human hair." " It was like a..." "It was like a pen!" " Ow!" "GROANING" "And they fed it in, and it was about ten years ago I had this..." "LAUGHTER" "LIGHT APPLAUSE" "And it was about ten years ago, and it was a lovely nurse that was doing the procedure, and as fed it, she went, "What do you do for a living?"" "She was trying to start conversation at this awkward moment." "I went, "I'm a comedian," and she went, "Tell us a joke."" "No!" "LAUGHTER" " And it is a matter of professional pride that I did." " Oh, well done!" "There's a claim to the origin of the term "lynch,"" "which is a man called James Lynch Fitzstephen, who was the mayor of Galway in Ireland." "And he hanged his own son from the balcony of his house after convicting him of the murder of a Spanish visitor in 1493." "So that's pretty bold, isn't it?" " Wow." " Christ on a bike!" "It's extreme." "He learnt his lesson." "He never did it again." "LAUGHTER No." " Did you say he hanged his own son for stealing a bike?" " No." " No!" " Did you...?" "What did you think I said?" " Did you nod off?" "I misheard you." "I'm so hungry, I don't know what I'm saying." " No, for killing a..." " I can't concentrate when I'm hungry." " ..killing a Spaniard." " For killing a Spanish visitor, yeah." "Has anyone got any food?" " He killed..." " Do you not listen to...?" " No, he doesn't." " I'm starving hungry." " Are you?" "And now I can't concentrate because I'm having a blood sugar crash." "I hope you never get called up for jury service and you're hungry in the afternoon." ""What was it, killed a Spaniard or stole a bike?"" "LAUGHTER" "It's quite an important difference." ""I don't know what he said." "I'm starving." "Can I have an apple?"" " Where did that come from?" " I don't know." " Stole a bike?" "He was..." "Your mind was wandering." "I was just drifting off." "I was thinking about pasta." "LAUGHTER" "When his brain sugar drops," "I'm afraid all kinds of weird things start to happen." "Well, has no-one got something to eat here?" "Are you bringing something down?" " Here you are, in you go, come on." " Thank you very much." "APPLAUSE" " What have we got?" "What have we got?" " Some homemade flapjacks." " Oh flapjacks!" " Flapjacks!" " Yes!" "Thank you." " Can I have a kiss?" " Yeah, go on." "Oh, she has to have a kiss." "Very good." "APPLAUSE" "I've got something interesting to show you now." "So, I want you to tell me what it is, quite simply." " What's the name for one of these?" " Oh, God!" " It's a Toby Jug, isn't it?" " Yes." "Yes." " No, this is known as a character jug." " Oh." "If you want to know what a Toby Jug looks like, it's that." "A Toby Jug is the whole person." " Oh, the whole person." " Isn't that pretty?" "!" "If it's a head, it's called a character jug." " But I've got something more interesting," " I - think," " which" " I - hope you're going to like." "It's got water in it." "All you have to do is drink the water without spilling it." "It's got holes in it, so if you lift it..." "WATER DRIPS" "LAUGHTER" "It's got HOLES in it, so that's not going to work." "Do you see?" "No." "It's gone down my sleeve!" "LAUGHTER" " You just cover up two." " So, you've got to try and work it out." "Right, I'm going to hollow out this biro and use it as a straw." " Like that..." " I'm evolving." " Ah, you're getting there!" "So, what you're doing..." "But, no, don't pour it, because the water will come up." "Look at the handle." "The handle is connected to the bottom," " so if you could suck one of those tubes..." " You suck..." " Oh, got it." "Cover the holes..." " The other hole." " ..and then suck through there," "BUT there's a secret hole you've got to cover." "Hole there, get those two..." " Look under!" " My one's got loads of holes." "No, look under the top of the handle." " Oh, that hole there." " Oh, there's a hole there as well." "If you cover THAT and the other two holes, then you can..." "I mean, it's a bit of a palaver." "There, yes..." "Could they not just have made a cup?" " Oh, Sue!" " Just an electrical hazard waiting to..." " So like this?" "Someone may as well just set fire to me." "That's it, now you can suck it." "It's pure..." "Don't tip it!" " Don't tip it!" " Oh, bollocks!" " So, you just..." "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" "Yes, jizz, as you knew, as a bird spotter, is that indefinable something, the shape, the gait, the outline that allows you to identify a bird." " Yes." " But we have the four birds we showed you..." " I thought you were going to say, "We have some jizz."" " No." "LAUGHTER" ""We have some birds here you can identify by their jizz."" " We literally do." " All right." " We literally do." " Oh, look." "Yeah." "They all begin with J, that's your clue." "I'll say a J-Hawk." "Because that's all I can think of..." "No." "That's not a hawk, is it?" "Look at it!" "I mean..." "That is a hawk!" "What are you saying?" "!" " Yeah, what kind of...?" " How is that a hawk?" " That is a hawk!" " Swooping down and picking up a rabbit?" "!" " That's not..." "That is to scale, Bill." "That's the size of it." "Oh, right!" "Oh, it's a long way off!" " It's massive!" " Have you seen a hawk's beak and eye?" "A hawk's beak, yes." "It's not the common hawk." "A hawk's got..." "It's a raptor!" "That's not a raptor, that's a flippin' flycatcher or something." "You are very good." "It's a flycatcher." " It's a flycatcher, there you go." " He's good." "Yeah, don't mess with the jizz-meister." "APPLAUSE" " Hey, I was second on that." " No, you weren't." "Not even close." " I came second." " A hawk?" "!" "You just mentioned a bird, that's not coming second." " OK, stick up the next one." "I'm sure I'll get it." " That is just..." "In medieval times, did they go out with one of them on a gauntlet?" " Fly!" " That is called..." " That is called a black tail." " Bring me a fly!" "Ssh!" "Just to finish it, that WAS a flycatcher." "It was a Juan Fernandez Tit-Tyrant." "LAUGHTER" " A crested..." " Oh, God, here we go again!" "LAUGHTER" " Wait a minute, wait a minute..." " "Oh, we all know a tit tyrant!"" "A Juan Fernandez..." "Tit-Tyrant." "A crested, spotted-chested member of the Tyrant flycatcher..." " You just invented that!" " A spotty-chested member?" "!" "There are points for knowing where the Juan Fernandez Islands are." "Juan Fernandez?" "SHE STUTTERS Breast Cock Lane?" "LAUGHTER" "That's the spirit!" "APPLAUSE" " Now you're getting it." " You are getting into this very much." "What I'm going to try and do..." "I'm going to try and create something that will make you think, "No!" ""No, Stephen, this is not possible!" ""Stephen, I will now bow down and worship you forever."" "I'm going to try and create... a square..." " ..bubble." " No!" ""Shut up, Stephen!" LAUGHTER" "I'm on the verge of worshiping you forever." "Yeah, exactly." "How would you not be?" " A square bubble." " Shut the front door." "All right, so I've got this..." "I've got this here." " Can you see that bubble there?" " Oh!" " Wow!" " Wow!" "Well, it's not yet square, but if I...if I blow..." "No way!" " Square bubble!" " Oh!" " Square bubble!" "CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" "How amazing is that?" "!" "Very cool." "On television, virtually live, "as live," as we say, it's probably the only interesting and important thing" "I've ever done in my life." "LAUGHTER" "But I'm proud, and thank you for enjoying my square bubble." "Or you could try this pen." "Try writing something with the pen." "Oh, this is going to be hilarious(!" ")" " Go on, then." " Oh, dear..." "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" "I don't want to touch it!" " Electric shock?" " I think so." "That's..." "I'm really sorry, cos that is quite a severe electric shock." " It's not..." " I'll just take your word for it." "It's not insignificant, that one." "That is...barely a joke." "It's not funny at all, Stephen!" "I'm so sorry." "I'm so sorry." " Yeah, give it back." " That really hurt!" "Aww!" "A bendy pencil..." "I don't want a bendy pencil!" "LAUGHTER" "Have you ever seen an inside-out moon?" "ALL SIGH" " The Clangers." " They were wonderful!" " The land where the Clangers live." "ALAN BABBLES Hello, baby Clanger." "There's the Soup Dragon." "HE CONTINUES TO BABBLE" "They didn't do..." "They didn't make that noise." "No!" "Bill, do it." "Listen to Bill." "No, they went like..." "HE WHISTLES LIKE A CLANGER" "Yeah, but the Soup Dragon..." " Are you doing the Soup Dragon?" " Yeah." " Oh, right." " The Soup Dragon was more..." " He did a gurgle!" "HE GURGLES" "LAUGHTER" "HE CONTINUES TO GURGLE" "I have to say, in all honesty, as an impartial judge," "Bill wins the Clanger impression award." "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" "Did you hear about the auctioneer summoned to a Scottish castle?" "This is not a joke by the way." "He was summoned to a Scottish castle - the Lord had just died and the family were selling the contents - and he was looking around, trying to find this hat stand." "And then finally he came across it, and it was a German soldier." "And what had happened was that the Lord, or his ancestors, had been in the First World War with his batman, who it was always supposed was a little more than his batman..." "Right... ..who looked over the trench to see if it was all right and was shot by the Germans on the other side, and this enraged the Scottish chap so much, he ran across no man's land, killed the German," "dragged him back to the..." "to the British trenches, sent him home with instructions he be stuffed and used as a hat stand for the rest of time." "But only 80 years had elapsed, so it was as though..." "His ancestors would still be around in Germany, and they would come and have to..." "And they had to go and find them and say," ""Oh, did he..." "Did he have a dignified death?" " "Not really, no."" " No." "LAUGHTER" "I had two fellas come into my flat once, and they must have been first-time burglars and... and I was a first-time burglaree, or whatever." " Yeah." " So I was coming down the stairs..." " A victim." " That's it!" "I was coming down the stairs, I was in my boxer shorts, and they were sort of at the bottom of the stairs in masks, and..." "Bloody hell!" "..there was a point where I thought, "I'm dead." "This is it."" " And THEY panicked." " Yes." "I don't know why, cos I'm not a scary-looking bloke, and after, there was a bit of silence and then one of them went," " "Can we borrow some milk?" Like..." " Oh!" "APPLAUSE" "Were they three cats?" "LAUGHTER" "Well, it is often the case that the criminal is more scared." "You know, it is a scary thing to do, if it's a child, I suppose." "A friend of mine saw a mugging in Central Park in New York, and he started running after the mugger, and then he realised, he thought, "What am I going to do?"" "And this mugger turned round, so he turned round and started running after him." "And he just...he just shouted out, "I'm a marathon runner," ""I'm going to keep my distance from you, whatever you do,"" "and just kept running backwards and forwards like that, and in the end the guy dropped the bag and ran off, because he just didn't know..." "They were just to-ing and fro-ing like that." "And he just maintained a constant distance from him." "I can remember getting mugged and I was 17, 16 or 17," "I got mugged and the guy said, "Give us your money or we'll beat you up,"" "and I remember thinking," ""Out of the two options, I'm not bothered about this 20 quid,"" "and I gave him the money and then he beat me up, he still beat me up." "And I remember afterwards being more upset by that sort of breach of verbal contract, you know." "Like, we'd entered into an agreement, didn't we?" " Yes." " A gentleman's agreement." " Yeah." "I was like, "No, not fair..."" "There is no stronger, hotter smart that you feel, as a child in particular, than injustice, is there?" "Injustice is a horrible thing." "And that was unjust." "There's the bridge, and you're about to see a superhero, a man of astounding courage and bravery, do a bungee jump off the original AJ Hackett bridge." "There he is." "Can you see him there?" "He's fat, he's..." "It's...it's me!" "LAUGHTER" "THEY CHEER AND GROAN" "There I am." "That was me bungee jumping just last..." "Earlier this year, in fact." "Wow!" "Goodness me." "And you know, the weird thing is," "I am the biggest coward in the world..." "The moment I was picked up by the relief boat that picks you up," "I said, "I want to do it again!"" "LAUGHTER" "The adrenaline surge is so enormous." "It is the biggest fun I've ever had." "A rush." "Well done." "And does it...does it pull at your ankles?" "Well, the major problem usually is detached retinas, actually." " Yes." " People get pop-eyed." "What about when we went scuba diving and your mask was too tight?" " Do you remember that?" " Oh, yeah." "No, I don't want to..." "His eyes nearly came out of his head!" "LAUGHTER" "And inside the mask were these massive eyes..." "We're all going, "Come and have a look at Bill!"" ""Check he's all right, check he's all right..."" "And when we found out he was all right, I laughed my head off." "LAUGHTER" " No!" "No, can I just...?" " The thing is..." "Wait!" "Wait, wait, wait!" "Whoa!" "Rewind." "Rewind." "Can we just go back to the bit where you said...?" "When you checked we were all right, you laughed my head off?" "You were laughing from the minute my face came out of the water." "LAUGHTER" "There's these fucking massive eyes!" "There was blood pouring out of my eyes." "He had no idea at all, couldn't feel anything!" "I had no idea." "I was running around and people were going, "Oh, my God!"" "ALAN SCREAMS "Oh, my God!" I went, "What?" "What?" "!"" "Like Carrie, or something, with blood streaming from my eyes..." "You had huge great eyeballs," " which took quite a long time for them to recede as well." " Yes, it did." "And a lot of laughing was going on." "I thought you had some sort of magnifying mask on," " but when you took the mask off, they were still enormous." " Enormous..." "LAUGHTER" "When we lived in Australia, my wife bought a horse and she was desperate to try and get me to ride, right?" "So she said, "I've bought this horse," " "it's really docile and you'll be fine."" " They never are." "Well, no, actually, the problem was it was TOO docile." "What happened was it ended up being studied by Melbourne University because..." "Yeah!" "Because it was one of the few horses that was... medically, got narcolepsy." "LAUGHTER So, I swear to God..." "No..." "It's one of the rare cases of a narcoleptic horse." "So, she buys this horse and she says..." "She couldn't work out why every time, when she was grooming it, it would get heavier and it would just..." "LAUGHTER" "HE CRIES OUT ..like that." "And...so, she couldn't groom it, because it would fall on her." "So she says to me, "It's fine, the horse is narcoleptic, get on it."" "And so I got on it, in full motorbike gear, cos I wasn't taking any chances, and I sat on this horse and it started to just... and you know, normally, you kick a horse to make it go?" "This one, you kicked it and it would go, "What?" "Eh?"" "Like that, to wake it up." "And sometimes it would fall asleep against the electric fence..." "LAUGHTER" "So it would go..." "It would go like that..." ""Ah!" "Hey!" "Ah!" "Oh!" "Hey!"" "It's like Jack Douglas from the Carry On films." "LAUGHTER" "There's a man called Theo Jansen who's an extraordinary artist/inventor, who has created this remarkable machine." "Do you know about it?" " It walks along..." " It walks on the sand without any electronics or anything else like that, just powered by the wind." "It's really extraordinary." "These are some of the things it can do." "No metallic or electronic parts, remember that." "It can detect the tide coming in, walk away from the water, anchor itself by hammering a pin into the ground..." "That's what it looks like." "..if the wind gets too strong." "It can even store up air in bottles when the wind is blowing, and release it to keep itself moving when the wind drops." "Lots of clips on YouTube, but you have to go to Holland to see them live on the beach." "BUT, through the magic of the next big thing in tech, which is 3-D printing, where you can print an object out..." "This is a 3-D printed object." "It's entirely 3-D printed." "It needed no extra thing, except to have the propeller put on the end." " Wow!" " And this is a version of the sea beast." "And instead of blowing, I'm going to use a little electric fan like so." " There we go." " Wow!" "Ooh, ooh, sand beast." " Isn't that cool?" " That's great!" "And that was printed out?" "But isn't that an amazing object?" " Oh, it looks really spooky." " Move your glasses." " I can't believe you got that from a 3-D printer." " I know!" "I sort of feel like this is going to be...it's going to bluff," " that can't be a real thing." " I promise you it's true." "So, how does it work?" "Is it a block of resin?" "How does it...?" "It's basically lasers fusing powdered plastic together." "Even though it consists of at least 76 separate moving interlocking parts, they emerge from the printer ready to operate without the need for further assembly," " with the exception of the addition of the propeller." " No way!" " That's absolutely right." " That is the future!" " Isn't it amazing?" "!" "Let's hear it for this amazing machine." "Brilliant." "APPLAUSE" "Really impressive." "The saddest, possibly, the saddest story of hide and seek that you can think of, although it has a kind of happy ending, is Liu Wei, a Chinese pianist who was playing hide and seek and he electrocuted himself so badly that he lost both his arms." "So he learnt to play the piano with his toes." "So, he could play...?" "And all of his toes work?" "They look like fingers, it's actually astonishing." "It's really amazing." "Are you sure he just hasn't got his head in the wrong place?" "LAUGHTER" "He's got his hands down a pair of trousers!" ""Look at my toes!" "Look at my toes!" "Coming out of the end of my..." ""I've taken my socks off."" " "I play the piano with my toes, everyone."" " Exactly." "He's saying he's a man who can play the piano with his feet." "He's a man with a penis that looks like a face." "LAUGHTER" "I just..." "I have to do a story that's to do with pranks at medical school." " Oh, lovely." " Because my flatmates..." "They had a girl in their group at medical school that was very annoying, so they decided to play a trick on her." "So basically they got a hand from the lab" " and put it on her pillow in the student digs." " Oh, God." "And then they all hid in the kitchen and she came in from a night out, went into her room, and they expected she would just open the door and go, "Argh!"" "Like that, and then they would all go in there and point and laugh." "And she went in there and, for ages, there was just complete silence, and they thought, "Oh, God, what's going on?"" "Please, God, no, not what I think it is!" "I hope you're not thinking what I'm thinking, Alan." " Please let's not..." " No." " Did she ball it into a fist...?" " Anyway..." " No, no!" "GROANS AND LAUGHTER Don't!" " ..and then couldn't get it out?" " We're all thinking..." "We're all thinking what must be the wrong thing." "No, so they went into the room and she was sitting on the bed..." " eating it." " Eating it?" "!" "SHOUTING AND GROANING" "Oh, that's even worse!" "I know." "I'm sorry to have to tell you, but that's absolutely true." "Why was she eating it?" "!" " Because she was hungry!" " Because I think it freaked..." "Yes." "What does...?" "Why...?" "What...?" "She was hungry?" "It's like..." "I'm hungry right now, I'm not eating your hand." "LAUGHTER" "I want you all to do a jolly jape now, which is make a dart, a paper dart, and the person who can throw it the furthest wins." " Talk amongst yourselves!" " Yeah." "We want a piece of this paper..." "There are various kinds you can do, just try the type you did at school." "Oh, I've totally forgotten now to do this." "And, obviously, take your time, as quickly as you can." "I'm going to make one the way we used to make them at school, knowing full well that they didn't fly very well." "Well, some people were good at it and some weren't." "Interesting to see how well you're doing." "It's precision engineering." "Oops, I've made a hat." "LAUGHTER" "I'm going to put little flaps on mine, and a tail." "Mine's just..." "I've just had that idea!" "You seem to be ready." "Who's ready?" "David, have a go." " I've done this completely wrong..." " As far as you can go." "Not bad." "CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" "Should you throw or should you cast like a bowler?" "Ah!" "Well, it's up to you." " Yours is great, look at that." " Yeah, that looks very good." "Whoa, there we go." "APPLAUSE" " It went up because of the flaps." " Yeah." "Your flaps." " Corrugated roof tiles!" " Flaps gave it lift." "Watch out in the back row, this is going to be lethal." "It's one of those stealth ones." "You won't be able to see it, you won't be able to measure it." "You can buy it from Wickes." ""It's got our name on it." Oh!" "APPLAUSE" "A suicide plane!" "That's impossible!" "It defies all laws of physics." "I thought it was acrobatics." "Sue, your chance for glory." "I don't think it's going to happen." "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" "Well, despite the brilliance of Amy Johnson..." "Would you be surprised to know that the paper airplane that goes the furthest looks like this?" " Stop it!" " No!" " Yeah, that's a bracelet." "I know." "It seems hardly credible." "What do you do?" "Do you just scrunch it up and chuck it?" "I'm unfortunately not very good at throwing it." "I've practiced a bit, but the world record is 200 yards." " No way!" " I'm not kidding you." " Straight down." "You're supposed to twist it, and that's why I'm not good at it." "I've never thrown an American football." "You do it in the style of an American football." " Whoa!" " There you go." "APPLAUSE" " Not bad." " That's amazing!" "Pretty good, isn't it?" "Are you a Chitty Chitty Bang Bang fan?" "I haven't watched it since I was a child, because I think that's when you're supposed to watch it." "Do you know, that's girls, you see." "Little girls grow up to be women, and little boys grow up to be big little boys." " We still watch children's films." " We've got too much stuff to do." " Do you have children, though?" " No." " Ah, well, when you do, then remember..." " No, no, no, no!" " You plan not to?" " No." "There's no "when," Stephen." " There's no..." " No." " You're not going to adopt a little shiny little baby?" "A SHINY one?" "!" "LAUGHTER" "Are they varnished?" "Can I varnish one?" "I don't know." "They might be more attractive if they're shiny." "It's not my field, I don't..." "And then Stephen revealed his plans for a child-buffing workshop..." "LAUGHTER" "..where craftsmen will get toddlers to a high sheen." "LAUGHTER" ""More..." "More lacquer, little boy?"" "LAUGHTER" "HE IMITATES MACHINE WHIRRING" "APPLAUSE" " Oh, dear!" " "You're the shiniest one."" ""We shall put you in Harrods' window."" "Oh, stop it!" ""I'm still alive in here, I'm still alive in here."" " "Why, I can see..." - "Help me!"" ""I can see my face in your face." "It's..."" "HE IMITATES MACHINE WHIRRING" "You might have changed my mind." "I thought they were very matte, I had no idea." "Nice shiny little baby, I think they're lovely." "Although, slightly put off by the idea of the child-buffing." "LAUGHTER" "Thank you for that, so much." "Now, making hydrogen with nails and drain cleaner would be a very jolly jape indeed, don't you think?" " Yes, I think so." " So, let's try it." "To prove that it's hydrogen, I'm going to have to set fire it." "And I'm going to set fire to it on my own hand, so, first of all I'm going to have a little basin of water" "I'm going to put here, to dip my hand in, to wet it, so I don't burn myself too badly." "And then I have my really exci..." "Oh, hello?" "Made a mistake, sorry." "Man in my ear's furious with me." ""What are you fucking doing?" "!" ""Put the water down!"" "LAUGHTER" ""Do this properly or you will die, do you understand?" "!"" "LAUGHTER" " No..." " "Start again, for fuck's sake!"" "LAUGHTER" "He was much gentler than that." "He was very sweet." "So, anyway..." "I've been told to tell you not to try this at home." " Try it in someone else's home..." " Yeah." "LAUGHTER" "The fire exits are there, and there." "What I've got here is some ordinary green-coloured washing up liquid." "We're not allowed to mention it's Fairy..." "Its name!" "I've got a little chemical lab, a little..." " I don't know what you call this..." " Flask." " Flask, I think, is the word." "Oh, this is like going on a picnic with Heston Blumenthal!" "LAUGHTER" "It's got some nails in it and I'm going to add a few more and a little bit of zinc." "And I've got here, this is the hydrochloric acid, very strong." "When are you going to put on the safety goggles?" "I'll put them on now, because I'm about to open the bottle of acid." ""Put the fucking safety goggles on!"" "LAUGHTER" "Not only that, but I've also got..." "I've also got a..." "I've also got a mask." " Here we go." " What about us?" "!" "Sorry, can I just ask, YOU'RE putting on safety goggles?" "Yeah!" " YOU'RE putting on a mask." " What's the story here?" "You're fine, you're expendable." "LAUGHTER" "I may have the mask upside down." "It does tell you to put the mask on your children before putting it on yourself, as on an aeroplane." ""Got the fucking mask upside down!"" "LAUGHTER" "Right, OK." "I've got the goggles, I've got this." "Now what I'm going to do, all right, is I'm going to pour this acid..." "Jesus, onto some nails?" "!" " ..into the nails, that's right." " Why?" "And it...the zinc and the hydrochloric acid will react." "Has he been drinking?" "Has he been drinking?" "Yeah." "He's been drinking THAT." "Oh, there we go." "And that's...that's going to produce quite a lot." "It's going towards me!" "It's blowing our way!" "It's blowing our way!" " I now have to put this cork in it." " Geez!" "If I put the cork in it tight enough, it will come out of here, and I put this in here and it will bubble up." "Right, that's important." "LAUGHTER" "If you say so!" "If it..." "The bubbles are made of hydrogen." "This is my contention, and the only way to prove it is to grasp the bubbles..." "I'm going to wet my hand now, to be safer," " and grasp these bubbles..." " What the hell is that?" "!" " I'm going to take the bubbles there." " It's like a sex cactus." "And I'm going to go..." "Oh, God!" "SCREAMING, CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" "Wow!" "Really exciting." "Pretty exciting!" "We can try that again." "Oh, yeah!" "Let's get even more bubbles." "That is great." "Stephen's goggles are so steamed up, he's completely blind!" "Even more bubbles here." "Here we go." " He's blind as blind King John of Bohemia." " Here we go." "Oh, come on..." "Oh work, lighter!" " Anyone got a light?" " Oh, the lighter's stopped working." "GASPING, CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" "Let's try it again, one more." "Wet your hand again, you didn't wet it." " You didn't wet the hand!" " Come on." "Bloody lighter!" "Expelliarmus!" "Oh." "Phew." "That actually hurt." " Wow!" " I've made hydrogen, ladies and gentlemen." "Wow!" "CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" " How very exciting." " Pretty exciting!" "Let's cover that." ""PUT THE LID ON THE ACID!""