""QUEENS"" "FRIDAY - 11:30 AM" "Oh my God..." " Hello?" " Mom, I'm sorry, but..." "No, I'm not your mother." "She just left her seat." " Who are you?" " A fellow traveler." " Do I know you?" " No, no." "Look... she dropped her cell phone." "I'm not nosy but..." " I have to talk to her." " It's urgent." " Just a minute." "I'll go get her." "Occupied!" "She can't take your call." "She's in the bathroom!" "Tell her that it's her son, Narciso." "I'm calling from Brussels." "Excuse me, but it's your son, Narciso, calling from Brussels." "Take a message, please!" "May I take a message?" "Tell her I had a problem and won't be able to meet her at the station." " Hugo will pick her up instead." " Has something happened?" " What?" " In case she asks." "Tell her I'm on a committee, and that Hugo will pick her up." "He'll have a bunch of white roses." "Will you remember the name Hugo?" "Yes, Hugo, I know." "Like Victor Hugo." "Yeah, I got it." "Well, now it's your turn to call." "Excuse me, dear, but are you talking to me?" " Mom?" "Mom?" " Hi, Hugo." "I see that you go to everyone's wedding, except mine." " I'm a Justice of the Peace." " I know what you are... but can you tell me why you made a last minute decision to travel?" "I'm exhausted." "I haven't had a vacation for years." "You're going because you cannot bear to see me marry a man." " Avoiding that is avoiding me." " I'm going to avoid a circus." "I don't know why you want to make a spectacle out of your wedding." "It's an event, Mom!" " It represents a right conquered!" " Must you all be married at once?" "Twenty couples covered by the press and the TV channels..." "For the first time, homosexuals will be legally married in the country." " We should all be proud." " It's a show, Hugo!" "You dislike it as much as I do." "You're only doing it for him." "Of course I am." "You do things like this for love." "He manipulates you." "He's not to blame that you and Dad didn't work out." "Don't give me that." "Use your psychology on your clients." "Helena, remember we said that we'd go for coffee." "And remember that your doctor said you must not drink coffee." "Sure." "Trust doctors, and you'll die in a flash!" "Let's have dinner anyway!" " I don't have a thing." " What?" "I'm on my way to the gym." "I don't have my wallet or jewels with me." "Take it easy." " This gun is not mine." " Mine, neither." "No, I have it, but it 's not mine." "And it's not loaded." "Why are you crying?" "I'm not crying." "I just put..." "some drops in my eyes." " Did you give him the day off?" " You know him." " You made him work to the end." " He insisted on spraying the place today." " He'll never feel he's family, Mom." "I do what I can." "I'm even going to the dinner in your honor, right?" "Just please, don't humiliate him." "Your mother doesn't make a habit of humiliating people." "Don't be angry." "I just want everything to work out." "What about me?" "Don't I want everything to work out?" "Relax, Reyes." "How can I relax?" "I am not a relaxed woman." "Besides which, my son is marrying a man... and that man is my gardener's son!" "Never mind, Reyes." "You are an open-minded, modern woman." "Very open-minded, very modern and very tense." "Especially when I remember that he's worked for me for fifteen years... and I can't remember seeing him inside the house once." "And now he's coming to dinner." " As my son's father-in-law." " Reyes, would you mind... if we finished fifteen minutes early?" "I must pick up my mom at the station." " Is she spending some time with you?" " Yes." "She's coming for my wedding." "I'm getting married, too." "Is this train from Barcelona?" "Yes, it just came in." "Lovely roses." "Thanks." " Hello, Nuria." " Hugo!" " Here." " Wow!" "You shouldn't have." "I had them, so you'd know who I was." "Last time we met, I had a beard." " You look better without it." " That's what your son says." " How was your trip?" " Entertaining." " There, there." "Poor baby!" " Mom?" " Poor baby!" " Mom?" "My ducky!" "My darling ducky!" "I can't believe that you brought your dog!" "Who could I leave her with in Buenos Aires?" "What about a dog hotel?" "I have no idea what they're like in Buenos Aires!" "To leave Marilina in one would mean her death!" " No!" " When you're ready, ma'am." "You brought the entire household." "Your hair is lovely." "Come, sir, let's go." "My love!" "Have you lost weight?" "So, this hotel was built exclusively for gay guests?" "Well, not exclusively." " They take mothers, too." " And dads." "Especially if they're good-looking." " Welcome." " Thanks." " Do I have time for a bath?" " We have a 10 PM reservation." "Narciso must be leaving Brussels now." "You definitely look much better without a beard." "If everything works out right, we'll open three Mayerling hotels... in the USA." "New York, Miami and San Francisco." "I should demand royalties." "I was your inspiration, right?" "Your father and I thought of opening up our hotels to gays... when we were traveling in Mykonos." "You were very small." "We hadn't caught you in bed with your English tutor yet." " You are hateful sometimes, Mom." " I don't know how to handle you." "Anyway, this will all be yours when we go upstairs." " Will he be here for the wedding?" " He won't miss it." " He's meeting some Americans." " Then he'll be here." "I'm sorry, we don't allow dogs." "I told you already!" "And we told you that we are related to the hotel's owners." "Óscar!" "Miguel, take it easy." "She's noisy, but she's not aggressive." "Stop!" "Stop!" "Marilina, that's enough." "Stop!" "Lázaro, take the dog to the patio and feed it." "Help the gentleman, darling." "I'll be right back." "I'm sorry, I didn't introduce you." "Well... this is my mother, and this is Miguel." " And his mother." " Are you Miguel?" "Pleased to meet you, darling." "Sorry, the poor thing's been traveling for way too long." " This is Magda, my mother." " Magda, I'm Ofelia." "How do you do?" " How do you do?" "I'm impressed with the hotel, Magda." "I'm dying to see the room." "We don't allow dogs." " I beg your pardon?" " I'm terribly sorry." " What am I going to do with her?" " There are dog hotels." " We can find one in the phone book." " No!" "I can't leave her." "I tried once, and she got depressed." " Maybe you could make an exception." " No, I cannot." "We have rules, and I must be the first to keep to them." " Mom, she's only staying a week." " A week?" "Who, me?" "Didn't you tell Miguel that I'll be staying for three months, ducky?" "Get out!" "Get out!" "You're stomping on my plants." "Come through the back door!" " Get going!" " Leave it to me, Jacinto." " Did you see what a mess they made?" " It's late." "I thought you'd left to clean up." "I don't like to leave things unfinished." "Do you mind if I freshen up here?" "No." "I called my son and told him to bring my clothes." " I can use the pool shower." " No way, it doesn't have hot water." "Use the guest room bathroom." "Do you know where it is?" " No." " Come with me." " Excuse me." "May I help you?" " Yes, thanks." " Fátima, see to the caterer's boys." " Yes, ma'am." "I ordered Japanese food." "You don't like it, do you?" "Yes, I do." "This way." "I'll take off my boots, so I won't soil the carpet." "Top of the stairs, second door to the right." " Okay." "Mom?" " Can you lend me this?" " You have over 50 shirts, darling!" "Does it look good on me?" "Maybe if we adjusted the waist..." " I want to look good." " You are good-looking." "No, he thinks that I'm good-looking." "That's him." " There were three today." " What?" "Heart attacks." "Now!" "Back off!" " Guess who was the last?" " Who?" "The justice who was going to marry us on Sunday." "We had just had coffee." " I love you." " I do, too." "I know." "I just don't know why." "You said "second door to the right"." "To the left." "FRIDAY 9:30 PM He was lucky for a second-timer." " May I see him?" " He's sedated." "Come back tomorrow." " Okay." "Thanks, doctor." " That was scary." "You're never ready for this kind of thing." "Much less for what I am about to tell you." "You're going to have to postpone your vacation." " No, no!" "No, way." " You'll perform the famous wedding." " You're his only substitute." " But I cannot!" "It will be great publicity for you and for us, too." "There could be nothing better for the justice' image in the country... than a woman marrying twenty homosexual couples." " No, really, I cannot." " Hele... you can do anything." "How lovely!" "How lovely!" "How marvelous!" "Why didn't you tell me?" "Miguel did all the distribution and decorating, and everything." " You can stay in the studio." " Any place will do." "I don't want to be the proverbial pain-in-the-ass mother-in-law." "But you work here." "I'll bother you." "Don't you have maid's quarters?" "Don't worry." "Tomorrow we'll find a solution." " The dog will stay on the terrace." " She has a cold." "Everything in this house is very expensive, Mom." "Some pieces are unique." " Who'll take her out, me or you?" " Me." "She's really nice, Miguel." "The dog is lovely." " Hello." " Hello." " Hello." " My father." "Narciso's mother." " Nuria." " A very young mother." "I'll leave this in the closet." " Shall I take your folder?" " No, thank you." " Did you bring what I asked you to?" " Yes." "The maid found it beside the TV's remote control and almost had a fit." "This never happened to me in thirty years of service." "I've been forgetting things lately." "I should see a doctor, but I'm scared." " Narciso just doesn't call." " What about your mother?" " My mother?" "Forget it." "She won't even come to the dinner." "She can't take having a gay son." "You don't say!" " Hello." " Hello." "It's a small world, right?" "Yes." " It doesn't do a thing." " Yes, it does." "Click here." " It doesn't do a thing." "Look." " Here." "Click here." "Help yourself to whatever you want, Jacinto." "We have everything." "Do you like it?" "I painted it." "I don't understand it." "You don't have to." "Just go with it." "Then I think I'll just go... with whisky." "Dad, the bar is beside that." "Never know how much I love you" "Never know how much I care" "When you put your arms around me" "I get a fever that's so hard to bear You give me fever" "When you kiss me Fever when you hold me tight" "Fever" "In the morning Fever all through the night" "Sun lights up the daytime Moon lights up the night" "I light up when you call my name" "And you know I'm gonna treat you right" "You give me fever" "When you kiss me Fever when you hold me tight" "Fever" "In the morning Fever all through the night" "Everybody's got the fever That is something you all know" "Fever is such a new thing Fever started long ago" "Heat it up!" "Romeo loved Juliet" "I'm sorry." "I took ages to get ready." "Nice tie." "I bought it for the occasion." "At this Valentino guy." "Shall we have dinner?" "How nice." "It's nice that we four can be together." "Why didn't we do this before?" "Because you're never around, Mom." "You travel a lot." "Actresses are really a pain." " Mr. Jacinto in front of me." " How about being less formal?" "You're right." "You sit there." "Wherever you wish." " Jonás, to my left." " Of course." "Does anyone need cutlery?" "Can you handle the chopsticks?" "I am a 49-year-old widower." "Sometimes, I go out at night." "Sometimes, I dine at restaurants." "I've eaten food from Mexico, Iran, Armenia..." "Lebanon, Thailand, China, Russia... and, of course, Japan." "I can handle chopsticks very well, for your information." "What the hell is going on?" " See for yourself." " I see your arms are crossed." " We are on strike." " We agreed to talk after the banquet." " We don't want to wait." "You promised to review our salary early this year, and it's now May." "You decided to wait until a time when we have..." "TV channels, the press and over 100 guests... on Sunday to drive to the wall!" "We decided that this is the best time to negotiate." " This is blackmail!" " And you have abused us!" "Pushing me is not going to work... and you know it." "We've made our decision." "I'm going to pretend that I didn't hear a thing." "I'm going to leave, and you'll get back to work... and, on Monday, we'll talk over what we need to discuss." "No." "Out of my kitchen!" "All of you!" "No!" "I'm sorry about the carpet." "I'll pay the cleaner." " You don't have to." " She's upset." "Poor Marilina has been locked up all day long." "First in one place... then another." "Did you know that dogs pee... in places that they like?" "He's overreacting." " It's an expensive, antique carpet." " And I'm your mother!" "From Argentina!" "He looked as if he'd like to kill me!" "You didn't tell me you'd be staying for three months." " Yes, I did!" " No, you didn't." "What?" "Are you keeping the restaurant closed all this time?" "No!" "Your Uncle Ricardo and Aunt Cecilia will run the restaurant." "Your mother is here to stay, in case you haven't noticed." "She's doing well in Buenos Aires and has a business to run there." "If she's here, it's because your Mom kicked her out of the hotel." "Are we playing "who has the worst mother"?" "Okay." "What do you want me to do?" "Have her sleep in the street?" "She brought three enormous and heavy suitcases!" " I'm going to have a bath." " Good idea." "Use really cold water!" "The roast beef is delicious... the wine is excellent... and the dinner set is divine." "The only thing missing is a little chat." "Right...!" "Please make an effort, Miguel." "Put yourself in my place." "For just a while." "I spent thirty hours in airplanes and airports and finally in a train... using the cheapest fare I could afford." "I haven't been to Europe for twenty years." "It's been almost eleven months... since I saw my son." "If my making the most of what it cost me to make this trip... enjoying it for three months... of happiness with my ducky... is too much work for you... don't..." "Let's not even discuss it." "I'll re-schedule my trip back... and that is that." "I'm going to get the medication for my blood pressure." "Let's rent a flat for her." "Come on, Miguel, we're out of the house all day." "We'll barely see her." "I work afternoons in the studio." "She can go to the movies or the theater." "She's washing the dishes." "She said she'll make dinner tomorrow." "Boys, you left the light on in here." "Shall I turn it off?" "No!" "We always leave a light on at night, Mom." "You know best." "You said it." "She was listening behind the door." "You're taking out the problems you have with your mom on mine." "This isn't going to work." "In fact, it won't do." "This is my house." "Sure." "It's "our house" when it suits you, and "my house" when it doesn't." "So, now what?" "What am I?" "A Latin American lucky enough to find a guy like you?" "A guest who cannot have his own opinion?" "Come now, ducky... don't you see that having your mom here will invade our privacy?" "I don't see why." "What if we want to fuck?" "Do you want to fuck?" "So, let's fuck." "Fine, then." "Let's fuck." "I agree, I'm neurotic." "It's just that this morning we were happy, and now we're arguing." "We're not arguing now, my love." "Boys, I'm sorry if I interrupted, but... is there some kind of a park nearby?" "Marilina won't stop howling, and I feel sorry for her." "If someone can take her out and tire her out... we might all be able to get some sleep, right?" "Okay." "FOUR HOURS EARLIER Impossible." "I missed the last flight." " I'm at a hotel." " Too bad." "We'll miss you." "I'll be there tomorrow." "Keep an eye on my Mom." "Don't let her screw your father." " He seems to be coming on to her." " Keep an eye on her." "Kisses." "Same to you." "Bye." "We were a party of five, and now, we'll be three." " You sure your Mom's won't come?" " She should be here by now." " She'll do anything to avoid me." " My ex does the same thing." " Are you unattached now?" " I'm always unattached." "Whether I'm married or not." " Look, look..." " But she isn't..." " Shall we order?" " Yes." "We're making history, right?" "We're celebrating the marriage of our two sons." " Here's to the 21st century!" " Cheers!" "The social acceptances of homosexual relationships... is nothing new." "In many classic civilizations, men had male lovers." "It was acceptable even to their wives." " Well, you are a history teacher." " Right." "Alexander the Great, Ramses II..." "Viriatus, Attila." "The great Julius Cesar enjoyed dressing up as a woman." "Will you order a Soncino salad for me?" "I'll be right back." "This is the patient who's upset because she's out of tranquilizers." "I want to talk to the dumb shrink who disconnects his cell phone." "I did it again." "On the train." "With a disgusting guy." "I'm so sorry I wanna die... and besides, I think I have problems." "Dad?" " Dad, that's enough." " What?" " Don't screw my boyfriend's mom." " Right." "It's just a game." "And she likes to play it." " Did you see her cleavage?" " No, I didn't notice it." "She has outstanding breasts." "You can't help looking." " They're silicone." " No way." "And if they were, so what?" "Listen, son... you never screwed a woman, did you?" " Of course not." "Not even when you were younger?" "A teenager?" "Never?" " Narciso's the only one I screwed." " I don't believe it." " Right." "I'm sort of strange." " You're like your mother." "If you never screwed a woman, how do you know you don't like them?" "You never screwed a man, but you know you don't like them, right?" " It's not the same thing." " Don't give me that now!" "I wasn't fifteen when you left home and disappeared... until the Sergeant left you." "Now, two days before my wedding... you want to discuss my sexual trends?" "She wasn't a Sergeant." "She was a First Corporal." " Can we meet later?" " So you can tell your friends about it?" " Don't try, or I'll punch you!" " I have a suite at the Palace." "I feel sick every time I remember your ridiculous dick!" "Come back here, redhead!" "Come back!" " I warned you!" " Call the police!" "No need to." "I'm a police officer." "Thanks." " Here." " Thank you." "Do you want water?" "There's a bar close by." "Drop me at my hotel, please." " How embarrassing!" " Did you know him?" "Only slightly." "Please don't tell my son about it." "Thank you." "Good night." " What was that?" " A dog." "A dog!" "What are you doing?" "I don't know." "FOUR HOURS EARLIER" "Dad, you know you can't drink." "It's not good for you." "Look... don't treat me like I was your son." "You don't mind, do you?" "No!" "I've worked with Almodóvar!" "Have we showed you the apartment plans?" "No." " They're in the car." "Come with me?" " Sure." "We're all a little aggressive, don't you think?" "Not me." "Great." "Our sons' relationship doesn't change anything." "I find it strange." "I've known your son since he was small." "For years, he wore your son's hand-me-downs." "True." "Do you mind if I take my shoes off?" "But my socks are not Valentino's." "Sorry." "Jacinto, we may be putting up a front... but you don't like my son and I don't like yours." "You're formal, again." " Jonás is not in love with my son." " No?" "I wonder if he would hang around my son if we were poor." " Did my son ask you for money?" " Not yet." "But they're buying an apartment!" " With his salary." "My son works." "Yours is a bum." "He says that he's an artist, but look at that painting." "What's wrong with it?" "Dinner wasn't bad." " It could have been worse." " Your father is a riot." "He's gross." "And your mom is watching me as if I'm going to steal the silverware." "You're too good-looking for me." "She thinks:" "..."What did he see in Rafa?"" " That because she doesn't know you." "Of course not." "She only knows herself." " Let's go to the swings?" " No." "That's where it all started." "On the swings." " And leave them alone in there?" " Let them get to know each other." "Let's go!" "Like all rich people, you pretend you're meek and laugh at my socks." "You pretend that you're a worker." "I don't pretend." "I am one!" "Moreover, I'm a communist." "I knew it." "The most separatist and envious class I've ever seen!" " Do you think I envy your life?" "A woman with a garden like yours and doesn't know the flowers!" "You're so ungrateful!" "When you became a widower, I helped you." "You humiliated me." "You always made it clear that you were being charitable!" " Obviously we cannot be related." "And we're not going to be!" "I don't care if those two freaks screw, get married... or have four Chinese babies!" "After all, this time I see that you're very rude!" "You humiliated me and my son!" "If that's so, maybe you'd better not work here anymore." "I sprayed your garden, cut the grass... and clipped the bushes." "I'll send a messenger with the bill!" " Your dad is leaving!" " We shouldn't have left them alone." "Two other channels called." "The rest confirmed." "Most of them... want interviews before the wedding." "I have the names." "Arrange it, but give me time between each interview." "The telephone!" " Anything else?" " They want to film the food." "They'll be here early to catch what's going on." "Play dumb for now." "Say that it's a hygiene issue." "I have to solve a little problem in the kitchen." "They want more invitations to the banquet." "They can eat for free elsewhere." "No more invitations." " Video-conference." "Your husband." " Right." " How are things there?" " Coming along." " How about you?" " Sheraton, Marriott, Westin..." "Everybody wants to get in on our plan." "The wedding is great advertising." " Everything has to work out." " We'll see." "I'll be there before dawn on Sunday with our potential partners." " Have a good trip." " You're acting strange." " I've been sleeping too little." " When all this is over... we'll go on a cruise." "The obsession to make more money never ends, Marc." "I have to go." "Officially, you and I, if we want to can get married." " Are you proposing?" "No." "I'm saying that two people can get married... men or women... whether they're homosexual or not." "Heterosexuals, too." "Why would two people of the same sex get married without an emotional bond?" " Out of interest!" "For example... let's say that two men want to get back at their ex-wives..." " I don't believe this!" " Today is Friday, right?" "With everything that you are putting me through, you dare..." " When are you leaving your husband?" " I have three hotels to go... and less than a minute to dump you." "Let me go!" "You two are so tight-fisted!" "You're drowning in money and you pay us pittance." " We pay you very well... and pressure will get you nowhere." "Don't get tough." "We know how important this Sunday is to you." " I'll find replacements." " No one from the union will come." "We're a pain-in-the-ass, my love." "Jacuzzi?" "Never mix your relationship with business again." "What relationship, Magda?" " Hello?" " Mom?" "I just abandoned a dog." "FOUR HOURS EARLIER" "Where?" "Thanks." "Come back here, redhead!" "Come back!" " I warned you!" " Call the police!" "No need to." "I'm a police officer." " Can we go to a drugstore?" " Sure." "I'm sorry dinner was so short." " How about dinner tomorrow?" " She can't come." "She's taking a vacation." "A grey Mégane." " I'm sure they knew each other." " Who?" "Your son's mother-in-law and that guy." " Don't call her that." " She's going to be!" "Even if you run away to Tasmania." "I'm going to Archena." "And, since you enjoy laughing at me, I'll tell you a joke:" "I'm officiating the wedding this Sunday!" " You're a jackass!" " And you take things too seriously." "Did you mention at the precinct that your gay son is getting married?" "I did." " Liar!" " Excuse me." "You forgot this." "I'm not a homophobe." "It's just that I like to go unnoticed." "A justice of the peace marrying her gay son is human interest news for the press." "I know how it is." " So what?" "Buy a new dress to look good in the photos." " How modern you are." "Go away." " Someone must be waiting for you." " I want to go with you." "Did someone stand you up?" "You know I haven't had a girl for a year, but you like to hear it." "Wow, what a man!" "How can I resist you?" " Good evening." " Good evening." " Has Mrs. Vargas returned yet?" " One moment." "Nuria Vargas." "No, she's not here." "They were going to a drugstore, and we came straight here quickly." " May I leave this for her?" " Yes, of course." "It belongs to the gentleman who is with her." "It's important because this cellular is in there and his house keys." " Don't worry." " Thank you very much." " Wait, wait." "What if Hugo doesn't come in?" " I'm too tired to think." " We'll be able to see from there." "How about a drink?" "You didn't use to wear high heels." " And I didn't sleep alone." " We can fix that." "Don't come on to me, or I'll hit you in the eye with my heel." "Why don't we sit over there?" " No." " Come on." "Let's have champagne." "Hugo doesn't want to get married." "It's the other guy." "The gay cause is his political career's platform and he wants to set an example." " You don't like Narciso." " Nor do you." " My mother didn't like you." "See?" "She was right." "They're here!" " They're kissing!" " I can see." " But she's his mother-in-law!" " I know." " Aren't we going to do something?" " What?" "They're grown ups." "Especially her." " I parked my car outside." " Never mind." "Listen this was left here for you." " Thanks." "He takes after you." "SATURDAY" "Okay, you can have the apartment, your mom and her three suitcases!" "And don't worry about the damned dog!" "I'll find her!" "The dog ran away because you wanted her to, right?" "She ran off with her leash and all!" "I almost lost my hand!" "Miguel, I can't argue now." "I have a class." "Calm down... quit the paranoia and at noon we can have a quiet talk... which we haven't had since 4 AM." "Miguel, this is your house." "I didn't come here to take it over." "I'll leave, instead." "Where to?" "Where is she going?" "Leave my mother alone!" "I called Buenos Aires an hour ago." "Your mother sold the restaurant." "Darling, I always thought that you would have a companion." "I never thought you'd have a husband." "The small one opens the front door." "This one is for upstairs, Mom." "I rented the restaurant to your aunt and uncle, I didn't sell it." " Okay, you can explain later." " Right!" " She can explain." " Miguel don't play a damsel in distress." " It's just that..." "I am a damsel in distress." "My bus." " Get out!" " No way!" "She's my dog!" "Shall I buckle up?" "Murderer!" "No, not you." "Go ahead." "What were you saying?" "They didn't serve breakfast?" "Great." "It's time to call the police." "They've been doing this since 6 AM." "We're running out of complaint forms!" "You, the leader!" "Let's talk." " You're up early." " You threw me out of your house." " You had nothing better to do." " You're going too far, César." "You're making tons of money, but you're incapable of sharing it with people you can rely on!" " You didn't even have a work visa." "When you arrived, you had nothing." "I gave you a job... and a salary you never dreamed of in your wildest dreams!" "That was a long time ago!" "I showed that I was grateful here and there." " What do you mean, "there"?" " In your bed!" "That's all I needed to hear." "Get out." "Round up your troops and get out before I call the police." "This is about 50 miserable euros per person!" "You don't want a raise." "You want my hotel." "You think I'm mad about you, and I'm not mad about anyone!" "All right." "You want war?" "You can't be in love with me that much!" "You can't be in love with me that much!" "Zoraida, I swear I'll love you in spite of my mother." " But Carlos Alberto, your mom..." " It 's open." "She wants you to marry someone in your class and I don't feel I deserve you." " Zoraida, don't go on, please." "We're going to get married, have kids and a family..." "I'll go to work." "I don't care about an inheritance, I care about you." "I said I'd send you your bill by a messenger." "Listen, Jacinto." " You and I agree on some things." " What things?" "We don't want our sons to get married." "We know it will be a disaster for all of us especially for them." " Is that why you're here?" "Your son always wanted to study abroad, right?" "Well, I'll give him that chance." " All he needs is money, and I have it." " So do I, so what?" "Our sons will do what they want, whether we like it or not." "If they go ahead with this, I'm not going to help them." "I won't give them a cent!" "Why are you saying that to me?" "I'm convinced that way down deep you think this is funny." "You didn't come here to talk to me about money." "I don't know why you came." "Why did you come?" "I invited friends over and I'm going to cook a "paella"." "I'm going to get drunk and have a hangover at the wedding, got it?" "So I don't feel a thing, right?" " Where did that dog come from?" " I don't know." " Did he get in at your house?" " I don't know!" "Back off." "We don't want to have problems with him." "Come on." "Come on, doggie." "Nice doggie..." "Come on." "Come out here." "Come on, doggie." "He's scared, but he's not dangerous." " How do you know?" " I've seen lots of dogs in my time." "This one has a friendly face." "Marilina?" "She's a female." " She's a female." " Yes, you told me." "Thanks." "I still don't know why you came here." "Tell me you came for this." "Not unless I've gone crazy!" "I did a terrible thing." "I'm sick." "If I had the guts, I'd kill myself." "I'm on the fifth floor..." "Actually, on the seventh floor, because the lobby is tall... and counts for two floors." "I could smash my head on the TV set." "They're showing a documentary about a spider... that is weaving... a web..." "that's very complex." "Do you know that spiders are nasty to their offspring?" "You must take a Prozac right now with your orange juice." "I screwed my son's fiancé." "Give me a reason to get out of bed, and look in the mirror... and continue to feel some appreciation for myself." " What about him?" "He must be in terrible shape." "He's an angel!" " We cried for hours!" " Well, basically if all you did was cry..." " No, no, no!" "No, we... did a lot more than cry." " That's the problem!" " Over the phone I can't solve something so..." " Amazing." "You can say it." "Amazing!" " What can I do this weekend?" " Three things:" "Face the problem." "What happens between two people always surfaces." " Only death has no solution." " What a lecture!" "Tell the truth." "It hurts, but, in the long run... it's the best solution." "That is my advice." "Right." " Hugo?" " Hello, Helena." "Your son isn't here." "And I just came in." "I called his cell phone, but he didn't didn't answer." " I see." "He didn't?" "He didn't sleep at home last night." "Okay." "If you see him, tell him that..." "What happened last night?" "Did you have another fight?" "Was I the reason for it?" " I have to go to the registrar." " Helena... accept that your son is in love with a man." "And that I am that man." "Goodbye." "Would you rather Hugo married a woman, had children... and sneaked out at night to enjoy his sexuality?" "Maybe his sexuality would be different if he hadn't met you." " I didn't make him gay." "I just taught him that he could be happy." "Taking him to bed?" "It happened in a sauna." "What are you doing here?" " Did you spend the night together?" " The bachelor's party is tonight." " I think I had it earlier." " Where were you?" " Do you really want to know?" " I'm leaving." "Did my mother tell you that she's not coming to the wedding?" " She'll be there." " Will you?" "Your mother is going to marry us." "I read about it on the Internet." "Are you going to marry us?" "If after last night you are still capable of going ahead with this... yes." "I don't have a choice." "CITY KENNEL" " What are you looking for?" " I'm looking for my sun glasses." " I'm light-sensitive." "Any problem?" " Here." " What do you have against mothers?" " Nothing." " Your mother's to blame, I know it." " What?" "The hate between you is sick." "I saw that she's more a hotel manager than a mother!" " Are you going to meddle with her?" "I'm sure that, when you were small, you wanted a puppy and she didn't notice it." " I'm terrified of dogs." "Did you try therapy?" "Is that person asking for help?" " Don't even think of stopping." " He's handicapped." " I'd never stop in Buenos Aires." " But we're in Madrid." " Something wrong?" " Get out, or I'll kill you." " I warned you!" " You, too!" "Leave the purse." " There's nothing in it!" " I said leave it!" "Your wallet!" "A hot dog with lettuce, tomato and mustard." " Beer?" " No, I'm on duty." "Is that your dog?" "No." "Give me another one." "Make it two." "Actually, we were looking for Marilina!" " Marilina?" " A dog." "She's a bobtail that has grey fur, a white face." "She's lovely!" "Let's see." "I didn't get it." "What do you want to register?" "A lost dog or a stolen car?" " Both." " Was the dog in the car?" "No, we were in the car looking for the dog." "I told him not to stop, but he has a kind heart... and is nice to thieves." "If we saw a mother with a dog he would never have stopped." " Anyone here handle dogs?" "Marilina, my love!" "Come here, come here, darling!" "We did a good job of that." "Why didn't we ever do that before?" "You've been here with me like this many times." "In my fantasies." "I've had fantasies about you, too." "Really?" "You gardeners have been erotic since "Lady Chatterley's Lover"." "Is the myth still alive after this?" "I have no complaints, considering your age." "Could it be your son?" "It's a quarter to two!" " Hey!" " Jacinto, what's up?" " Hi." " How's the "paella"?" "Horrible." "This morning I realized that I had no garlic, onion... or peppers." "I had to go shopping, and today is Saturday." "It was crowded!" "I just got back." " We can have appetizers." " I brought some cold beers." "I'll start it if you open the gate." "Good morning." "But isn't that...?" "Wow, it's Carmen Maura!" "Come on, people, last push." "Let's slow down." "Good." "Let's break with the right leg... and do our stretching routine." "We have to get dressed and leave quickly." " I'm having a water massage." " Your dad will hold lunch for us." " He's making a "paella"." " I don't feel like one." " What?" " You go." "Me?" "He's your father." "He makes the effort and introduces us to his friends and you..." "Come on, Rafa, please." " Are you hurt because of yesterday?" " He put on quite a show!" " So did my mother!" " He has to prove he's a man." "He does it, so no one will think I inherited my sexuality." "So?" "Do you want him to be happy you're gay?" "Carve you a statue?" " Name a flower after you?" " He doesn't like me." "Fathers don't usually like their sons." "Be they gay, heterosexual, or crab fish." "You... your only concern should be if I like you." " What are you doing?" " Licking your wounds." "Let's go!" "You have a message." "Ducky, ducky!" "It's me!" "Come pick me up, please." "I'm at a police precinct!" "What's the address of this precinct?" "Óscar." " What happened?" " Ducky!" "What a disaster!" " What happened?" " Marilina has never done this." " Naturally, it's all my fault." " You must have done something." " She never attacked anyone." " I have five stitches in my hand... and a bite on my neck." "I came close to looking like Van Gogh." "Great, you can laugh!" " Where is the dog?" " She ran away again." "He kicked her." "You're going to look great at the wedding." "Who's wedding?" "Don't be dramatic, Miguel." "So what that they stole your car?" " They stole your car?" " And my purse and passport... and credit cards, and my house keys...!" "What house keys, mom?" "They joined the kitchen's strike." "We have no housekeeping room service, laundry..." " Sons of bitches!" "I had to hire temps, but nobody wants to clash with them." " I'm not giving in." " They promised us a raise... at the beginning of the year." "Five months later... the company is lying to its employees... and asking us to carry on and not demand our rights!" "We want decent wages... and we're not leaving until they listen to us!" "Down with the exploitation!" "What is the police doing about this?" "They said that they are exercising legitimate rights." "Isn't the government right-wing?" "It used to be." "This company claims to be progressive... because it backs gay rights." "But I ask you... do they mean the rights of all gays or just gays that have the money... to pay 500 euros a day to a hotel?" "Less promises!" "Keep your word!" "Less promises!" "Keep your word!" "Every time the husband traveled, the masseur showed up." "I thought: "Wow, she must have a serious back problem, right?"" "Then one day I heard the lady shouting: "Help!" "Help!"" "I ran upstairs." "Guess what I saw?" "The lady and the masseur... totally naked in the shower." "The guy had slipped." "So, I had to cover him with a towel before the ambulance got there." "We wouldn't make a cent telling these things on TV." "Not like Lady Di's butler." "Does Jacinto badmouth me at parties?" "Take it easy." "I like people to talk about me as long as it's good." "Hey!" "The tomato!" "Right, of course." "Thanks." " You invited your boss to the party?" " She is my son's mother-in-law." "Right." " Right, what?" " Nothing." "I went to pee in your bathroom and I saw your bed unmade... and panties on the floor." " They must be mine." " They're La Perla." " That's it, mine." " For what this costs..." "I can buy ten panties at the store." " Hello!" " Hello!" "Sorry, I had to take my sister and the boys to Xanadú, and I ran out of fuel." "I'm starving." " Do you have Módena vinegar?" " There's the vinegar." "Hello, I'm Mónica." "We haven't met, have we?" "Well..." "I'm this guy's I-don't-know-what." "What about you?" "You aren't...?" "Mom?" "I can't believe this!" "What is that in your hand?" "Panties?" "Together at last, right?" "Helena, thank you for coming." "Especially seeing as tomorrow... is going to be a tough day for you and for us." "Four martinis." "Thanks." "So, shall we check the menu?" "Before we do, I'd like to tell you about what happened last night." "You don't have to, mom." "Hugo told me about the drunk at the restaurant." "I want to talk about what happened later." "I'm sorry, I know it's going to be tough, but I think it 's better for all of us." "We had sex." "Hugo and me." " What?" " It was entirely my fault." "I have a pathological problem that makes me have sex relations... at the worst times and with the most inappropriate people and... and this time I broke my own record." " You and Hugo?" " You know I'm having treatment." "I spoke to my analyst this morning." "He suggested that I tell the truth... before this snowballs and runs us all over." "I've already been run over." " I'm sorry, you can't come in." " There they are." "Come on." "We are on the eve of what is undoubtedly the wedding of the year." "We're talking about Narciso Zambrano, the famous deputy who fights for the gay cause..." " Smile!" "Were you drunk?" " No." "I got drunk afterwards." " My mother seduced you." " That's not it, either." " Then tell me what happened." "I'm a politician." "I can understand anything." "I just know that we had sex." " Do you appreciate women?" " No, for God's sake!" "If my mother hadn't said anything, would you have told me?" "Don't push me." "There's no undoing this." "Hugo, Hugo, Hugo..." "Boss Magda, don't be a thief!" "Boss Magda, don't be a thief!" "Boss Magda, don't be a thief!" "They're ruining my business, and you're not doing a thing." "I'm sorry, ma'am." "We cannot intervene without causing chaos." "They're in the street." "Isn't that chaotic enough?" "My son, what a mess!" "Thank you for coming, but you cannot do a thing." "Mom, they stole furniture, paintings, the car, even the curtains!" "I'd call the police, but it won't make a difference." "We don't even have beds." "We have to spend the night here." "You can have as many rooms as you like." "The guests are leaving, and we're canceling reservations." "This is a disaster." "If nothing changes... tomorrow's banquet will be served by pizza delivery." "Santiago, see to my son." "I have to wash my hair." "Two rooms, now." "Your mother has a lot of problems... that's why the poor thing cannot give you attention." " Mom, you better shut up." " Did I say something wrong?" "You can leave." "You must have a lot to do." "I'll go with you." "I'm sure you're going to leave." "Hello!" "We meet again!" " Is that good-looking your son?" " Narciso!" "Yours is 407." "For you and your mother." " That 's enough, Miguel." " I'll sleep in 407." "You are going to sleep together like you always do." "Which is yours?" "408?" "I'll drop by later and make your bed." "I have a rehearsal at seven, so see you tomorrow, mom." " Bye, my love." "I'll see you later." "I'm not going." "Are you missing the wedding tomorrow, too?" "I don't know." "On the eve of our wedding, I fought with my husband, too." "It's because you're jumpy." "One was asking the other:" ""How much is two plus two?"" ""Two, two..."" "I swear it!" " She said she came for my sake." " What a predicament." "She cares so little for other people that it makes me wonder." "Did you like that?" "Let's have another!" "A kid says to his mother:" ""Mom, 'bang'." And she died!" "He's acting strange." "He never dances, he only drinks Coca-Cola and only smokes pot before sleeping." " How about you?" "Wanna dance?" "What?" "Not here." "Shall we dance?" "Sure, let's dance!" "Lovely, lovely." "Wow, she sure is nice!" "Do you know what she said?" "That you don't work for her anymore, and the job is mine!" "No way!" "I spent half my life in that garden for a jerk like you to wreck it!" " What's bitten you?" " What's bitten me?" " Careful!" " Jacinto!" " Let's calm down, shall we?" " Let me go!" " No, no." "You're drunk, dad." "Let me go, you faggot!" "I'm so sorry." "I'm so sorry." "You owe your son an apology." "You irritated me during the entire lunch." "I'm the most selfish mother in the world... and you're the dumbest father I've ever met." "Don't leave me like this." "We're both villains." " I don't want to see you ever again." " Don't be so hard on me." "You know how hard I fought for these marriages." "I'm a sick person." "Treat me like a sick person." "You wrecked my life one night after you arrived." "Hugo loves you." "I've never met anyone so in love." " Nice way of showing it." " Well, maybe." "Human beings are capable of anything when they feel lonely." " He's not lonely." "He has me." "When, faggot?" "Néstor, I'm worse than I was." "I don't know why I pay you, if all I can do is talk to your answering machine." " Call me back now!" " I'm going to pay it." "Narciso!" "Hello?" "You didn't have dinner with us because you were in Brussels right?" " Yes, so what?" "How come you were in Brussels if you lost a suitcase... on a flight coming from Marrakesh?" "The airport called." "They found your suitcase." "You can pick it up whenever you like." "Who were you with in Marrakesh?" "Does Hugo know that you have affairs with other men?" "This is the third time I catch you." "Twice in Barcelona and once here." "I want to be faithful, but I just cannot." "Then we're not so different." "Yes, we are." "I don't screw family members." "Your room... just the way you left it." "I could sleep at my office." " On the sofa." " Don't be silly." " You're happy, right?" " Why?" "Because Narciso left me." "Don't say that." "Do you want me to order food?" "Hugo?" "I'll order the spinach pie that we like so much." "Did I tell you I had an alarm put it?" "I'll have to show you how it works." "And give you a set of keys." "I spend my days in this goddamn hotel!" "I wasted thirty years here, as if it's worth it." "And what do I have?" "A husband via video conference... a blackmailing lover and a gay son." "Do you know how long it's been since I went to a movie?" "When Robert Redford was young." "He wouldn't treat me like you do." "He's a gentleman." "I'll offer you five percent, and not a cent more." "Ten." "The sun in Cuba cooked your brains." " Eight, and I'll take you to a movie." " Five or nothing." "Nothing, then." "Have you never had any feelings for me?" "Yes, but I have a wife and five children who need the money... that I send them." "Do you know when I last saw them?" "Fidel Castro was young." " Cancel your trip!" " I can't." "We're leaving in two hours." "Nathan is coming from California... and Bill from Chicago." "They represent the world's largest hotels." "We cannot fail because of four damned euros." "Meet their demands." "Don't make me do that, or I'll go on strike!" "Don't be so proud, Magda." "Business is business." "Are you and I a business?" " I worked years to sell this idea." " How about me?" "I didn't do a thing!" "THREE HOURS LATER" "Narciso, a lady wants to see you." "She says she's your mother." "My mother?" " Just a little bit!" " I'm calling the police." " Just a little bit." " Shut up." " What's up?" "Can't we come in?" " Not without an invitation." " We're the mothers of the grooms." " What are mothers doing here... at a bachelor's party?" "I don't get it!" " We're getting in." " How?" " Leave it to me." " You cannot come in." " We lost our invitations." " Were you invited?" "Of course we were." "We're getting married tomorrow." "What's wrong?" "You think we're too old to get married?" "We're engaged." "She's my little kitten." "There are two old ladies who want to talk to someone in charge." " What do you want?" " We want to talk to the mothers of the brides and grooms." " There are no mothers here." "Their children are here and can give us their moms' phone numbers." "We'll have to wait until they're all up on the stage." " Come on, cheer up!" " I hate my father." " Lf you did, you wouldn't be sad." " I did everything... so that he would feel proud of me." "I graduated with good grades." "I worked while I studied... played soccer with him on Sundays, even though I hate soccer." "Everything, except falling in love with Barbie instead of Ken." "Is that your mother?" "Who's that behind her?" " You're not allowed in here." " Police." "Give me that microphone." "Who's gonna do it?" "I will." "THREE HOURS EARLIER" "Excuse me, dear, I know you're busy... but I think I have a solution to your problem." "I have a restaurant in Buenos Aires, and on many occasions..." "I had to improvise a meal for over 50 people." " There'll be 200 here tomorrow." " Perfect!" "Let's find three more people like me, and we're made." "I don't get it." "The ingredients for the banquet... whatever they are, I presume, are in the refrigerator." " Yes." " So, all we need to do is cook them." "Couldn't we find some mothers... willing to work all night long for their sons?" "We won't be running any risk." "We're not competitors, or temporary workers... we're mothers." "You cannot deny a mother her right... to fulfill her basic role and feed her children." " Would you organize it?" " Yes, if you get the mothers." "That's very generous of yours." "I'm generous, but I have another reason." "If it works, I want you to give me a job in your hotel." "DOG MISSING ANSWERS TO MARILINA" "REWARD GIVEN" " Hello?" " Nuria?" " Finally!" " I tried to call you all day... but I had a bad day." "For starters, the airline lost my suitcase." "I followed your advice and I'm worse off than I was." "Now I'm a mess and I can't even cry." " How did Narciso take it?" " He put me on a train." " I no longer have a son." " You're overreacting." "I'll never get him back." " Drop me off at Iberia, please." " Where are you going?" "To pick up my suitcase." "I told you that they lost it." "Iberia lost your luggage?" "Where were you?" " In Marrakesh." " What do you mean, in Marrakesh?" "!" "Hugo, you've been there for half an hour." "That's enough." "Spinach pie, my room decorated with flags... your apartment's alarm password is the worst I can expect from life." " I'm calling the fire brigade." "I know you think I won't leap... but a guy who screws his mother-in-law will do anything." "Don't blame yourself." "You're a great guy!" "You say that now because you're scared... but you really think that I'm absurd... that I have no personality and do things without thinking." "The ideal son to take you to the theater when you retire." "You're mistaken, if you think I'm happy to have you stay here." "I like living alone." "I found what I was looking for when I had sex with her." "I was looking for a mother." "Semon." " Where is he?" " On the ledge." "Hugo, please, you're 27." "You asked me if I had screwed a woman, right?" "Well, now I have, and here I am." " Get in, or I'll come and get you." " Lf you do, I'll jump!" "That's enough!" "What do you want, Narciso?" " I'll call him." "What's his number?" " He'll never forgive me." "You always say that we have to be tolerant and not judge other people!" " You are not tolerant!" "I don't like to see men and women kiss even if they have bouquets." "It makes me sick!" "But that's because I think that marriage is the world's biggest lie!" " He's out of range." " Life without him does not make sense." " Right." "I'll go get him!" " No!" "It's Narciso!" "Yes?" " I don't want to talk to him." " How about his mother?" "Will you talk to her?" "He doesn't want to talk to you." "Tell him not to torture himself." "I'll tell him about Narciso." "Are there any stations before Barcelona?" " Guadalajara, in 15 minutes." " Thanks." " I want to come back." " To where?" "To work here, tomorrow." "I want to make up with you... and with my son." "You could have worn slacks to tell me that." "How about if I give them my house?" "The apartment they're buying is expensive and small." " How about you?" " Here in the servants' quarters." "How about your girlfriend?" "I don't have a girlfriend." "Unless you say different." "We are misacted, Jacinto." "Damned dogs!" "Marilina?" "Marilina..." " Right." "I got you." " Give me your hand." "Right, let's go." " What did she say?" " Nothing." " Don't lie, it makes things worse." " You do it, too." " I'm doing all right." " You're shaking." "Semon." " Semon?" " Yes." "I'll get you a cognac." "Hi." "Put that in the kitchen." "Follow me, please." " Do you have change for a tip?" " My wallet is in my jacket." "Just a minute, please." " Hugo?" " Hugo?" " He's gone!" " With my jacket." " What's in the jacket?" " Like I said, my wallet." "What else?" " Hugo!" " Hugo!" " Hugo!" " Hugo!" "NOW Hugo?" "Hugo, are you here?" " Answer me, please." "I know you are." " Hugo!" " Hugo!" " Hugo!" "Hugo!" "Hugo!" "Hugo!" "Right, people." "Everyone call Hugo!" "Hugo!" "Hugo!" "Hugo!" "Hugo!" " Off the stage, even if you're a cop!" " Excuse us just a minute." "Out, please!" "Out!" " Thanks." " You're welcome." " What are you doing here?" " And together!" " Why are you here?" " To apologize." "Come on, Jacinto, apologize to the boy." " Jonás..." " If I were you, I'd leave." " You're surrounded by faggots." " I feel fine here." " Aren't you scared to mix?" " Maybe he'll be lucky... and meet someone like you." " Or like you." " What's going on?" "You cheat on the boy two days before your wedding... and screw my analyst!" " He was my analyst before." " And you must have fond memories." " Like your memories of Hugo?" " He's crazy about you." "He has a strange way of loving me." "Love is very strange." "Look at me and look at you." "Since you were young, you go to bars, saunas... dark rooms, there isn't a hole where you haven't been." "So don't lecture me, because you're as dirty as I am." "And when you asked me for help, did I ever deny it?" " Now you can help me." " I don't know how." "Don't let me leave thinking that you could have been happy... if it hadn't been for me." "I know I'm not a good mother, but I am a good friend." "Mom, are you telling me to get married?" "Give it a try." "If I tell Hugo what I did behind his back, I'll hurt him." "Let him decide that." "Main door, do we know where Narciso is?" "Crying in the arms of a guy?" "Tell him his number is up!" " What about you?" " We want to talk to be grooms." " Where are they?" " This is far out." "Lower the screen." "Sir, we have permission from the organizers." "We spoke to the guy at the front door and he said..." "Look who's here." "Marilina!" "Come here, come here!" "Come here, my love!" "Come here, little one." "How the hell did this dog get in here?" "Through the stage door." "What?" "I'm sorry." " José, we can start any time." " Lf we get this circus out of here." "Come on, ladies." "Get out, please!" " Hugo!" " Damn." "Who the hell is Hugo?" " Are you all right?" " I'm getting better." "Do you have my gun?" "Frankly, you should retire." "José, call the couples, and we'll raise the curtain." "Excuse me, Hugo." " When you're ready." " Curtain up!" "By authority conferred upon me by the Spanish State... and in the name of His Majesty, the King..." "I declare you joined in matrimony." "You may..." "Yes, you may." "We closed the deal with the San Francisco hotel." "I'll be going there, then." "I can't stand you any more." " Is everything okay?" " Yes, come and see." "See what men are like?" "It makes no difference if they're gay." "In the end, we always work for them." "César!" " I'm fired, right?" " I agree with eight percent... if you take me to the movies." "The world sure changes, don't you think?" "The world changes, but, history teaches us that, way down deep we do things for the same reason." " And why do we do things?" "Because we want to feel alive and forget that we're going to die." "My companion died last year." "All his life, he dreamed of getting married but he ran out of time." " I'm so sorry." "So am I but we have to carry on." " That's true." "We have to carry on."