"CHARLIE:" "Thank you for transporting me home." "You are a terrific cab driver and I hope some day to visit your country." "[CAR DRIVES AWAY]" "Damn, where is that key?" "Here, key, key, key." "Aha!" "Hello, key." "[DOOR RATTLING]" "Oh, no." "Wrong house." "I'm lost." "Hello?" "Oh, hey, Alan." "Come on in." "Why don't you come in here?" "I can't." "I lost my key." "Dah!" "Had a few cocktails, did we?" "Me too." "Listen, I need to ask you a favor." "Your needs." "Your needs." "What about my needs?" "Are you capable of having a conversation?" "Capable?" "I just spent 20 minutes discussing open-toed shoes with a fat man from Rangoon." "He's a Rangoonian." " We'll talk in the morning." " I wouldn't count on it." "Go ahead, you talk, I'll cook." "It's 11:30." "What are you cooking?" "Good question." "And I can give you the answer in two words:" "My famous homemade chili." "Since when do you make chili?" "There's a lot you don't know about me, Alan." "I am a man of many layers." " Strata, if you will." " I see." "A thin crust, magma and a chewy nougat center." "Great." "Anyway, tomorrow I have to go to the DMV to get my license renewed." "Ah, cars." "Where would we be without cars?" "And how would we get there?" "Run, run, you're free." "Well, listen, the thing is I can't take Jake, because he's got a book report to do." "I love Jake." "Well, that's good." "But will you help him with his report?" "I would like nothing better." " You want chili?" " No, I'm good." "But just so we're clear, you'll help Jake?" "I love Jake." " Charlie, it's very important..." " Relax." "I'll take Jake to the dmv to get his license." "Book report." "Beans." "Oh, no." "Charlie's blackout chili." "It's delicious." "No argument there." "Why is it called blackout chili?" "Well, sweetheart sometimes when people drink, they do things they wouldn't normally do." "Me, I like to walk into a biker bar and take a swing at the biggest chick there." "Your uncle Charlie, on the other hand, makes chili." "But what's the blackout part?" "Oh, jeez, Jake." "How many times have I told you not to crap up my kitchen?" "But I'm not the one who... oh." "Still, it beats waking up to find pool chalk between your fanny cheeks." "So where's your father?" "He went to the DMV." "He said you promised to help me with my book report." "Really?" "That doesn't sound like me." "I didn't think so, but that's what he said." " When's it due?" " Monday." " Okay." "Today's Saturday?" " Yeah." "We got plenty of time." "Yeah, but my dad always says if I do my work early I have the weekend to have fun." "That makes no sense whatsoever." "That's what I said." "Let me ask you something." " Do you wanna do it now?" " No." "Then trust your instincts." "Here's what you do." "You go out, have a good time." "Let the report percolate in your subconscious." "Then, as the deadline approaches and that flop-sweat panic hits those pages will come shooting out of you like lunch from a supermodel." "Well, I do like to percolate." "Attaboy." "And what are you doing today?" "I've gotta write a new jingle for a credit-card company and they're expecting it on Monday." "So I'm going to the track." "WOMAN [OVER PA]:" "Now serving Number 38 at Window D." "I got 42." "I made an appointment." "Good for you." "What's your number?" " I'm 97." " Mm." "Ouch." "You're gonna be here forever." "Yeah." "Oh, hey, you know what?" "I'm probably not even gonna need this PowerBar." "You want it?" "Thanks." "You're very kind." "Next time, plan ahead." "Will do." " You gotta know how to work the system..." " Again thanks." "Okay, I'm leaving." "Bye." "If you need anything, ask Berta." " Okay." " She won't give it but she enjoys being asked." "All right." " Turn that off, you're coming with me." " Really?" "To the track?" "It's gotta be better for you than TV." " Are we gonna gamble?" " No, suckers gamble." "We're gonna analyze statistics with proven scientific principles and make wagers based on the resulting data." "I think I'd rather watch TV." "Come on." "Come on." "WOMAN [OVER PA]:" "Now serving Number 39 at Window A." "It appears my time on your planet is almost over." "Ha-ha-ha!" "[IMITATES ALAN] "Ha-ha-ha!"" "Excuse me, are you done with your paper?" "Oh, sure." "Here." "Thank you." "I didn't even have a chance to finish the jumble." " Well, I'll have time." " Ooh." "Hey, 97, that ought to lift your spirits." "I'm ebullient." "I feel like an idiot." "I didn't know you could make an appointment." "Well, most people don't." "Am I right?" " Lena." " Oh, I'm Alan." "Ooh." "You have a firm handshake, Alan." "I like that in a man." "Well, I'm a chiropractor." "My hands are my instruments." "And I also carry a little squishy ball in my pocket to head off carpal tunnel." "Ooh." " How much can I bet?" " How much did you bring?" "I have to use my own money?" "Boy, you really are your father's son, aren't you?" "Okay." "I have $ 14." "That's not gonna get you very far." "Oh, and I have a $50 gift certificate to Pizza Hut." " Wanna buy it?" " Sure." "I'll give you 25 bucks." "But it's won'th 50." " To who?" " To Pizza Hut." "Well, then let the good folks at Pizza Hut place a bet for you." "You're just trying to rip me off." "I've been staying up nights trying to figure out how to get my hands on your pizza money." "Now listen and learn." "In any financial transaction, there is one question both parties ask themselves." "We're going to a party?" "Will you shut up and listen?" "I thought we were going to the track." "I swear to God, I will throw you out of this car." "Now, as I was saying." "The question is, what leverage do I have in this transaction?" "And the answer for you is none." "What's leverage?" "Oh, boy." "All right, a lever is how you move things." "Leverage is how you move people." "Now, if we were going to Pizza Hut and they didn't take real money and I was starving to death your gift certificate would give you leverage over me." "But, alas, this is not the case." "Okay, I guess I'll take $40." "Now you're catching on." "But no." "WOMAN [OVER PA]:" "Number 40 at Window E." "I'm sorry, baby." "Mama's gotta stay here till she gets her license." "I'm hungry too." "I don't know how much longer." "You wanna come in here and wait with me?" "All right, you stay in the car and play your video game." "Mama loves you too." "I get such little time with him." "Where's his dad?" "Damned if I know." "Now serving Number 41 at Window B." "Oh, he is gonna miss his piano lesson." "Listen, why don't you take my number?" " Oh, I couldn't." " No, no, no, I insist." "I've got somebody taking care of my little boy, so I can wait." "That is so sweet." "Now serving Number 42 at Window B." "Oh, you're up." " Thank you so much." " Oh, it's my pleasure." "Hey, listen, maybe, you think some time we could go out?" "MAN:" "Hey, Mama." "Baby, I thought you were waiting in the car." " My batteries are dead." " That's okay, we're out of here." " Wha...?" "You lied to me." " No, I didn't." " Baby, you got a piano lesson today?" " Yup." "Gershwin." "See?" "Hey, I thought you had her at "squishy ball."" "So how much do I get if my horse wins?" "You bet 14 at 2-to-1, you win $28." "That doesn't sound like a lot." "Why can't I bet the 80-to-1 horse?" "You can but there's dogs with forks and napkins waiting at the finish line for that horse." " What's that mean?" " It means the greater the odds the lousier the horse." "But he could still win, right?" "Yeah, and you could still be class valedictorian." "But that's not where the smart money goes." "You can make your point without being mean." "Look, if you want me to bet the 80-to-1 horse for you, I will." " Okay, fine." " It'll be a good lesson for you." "You won't be such a know-it-all when I win..." "Four times eight is 32." "One times zero is zero." " $ 120,000." "All right, two lessons." "It's not as much as I thought, but I'm still rich." "You're not rich you lucky little pecker-head." "Hey, there's no reason for name-calling Mr. Smart-Money." "You wanna walk home?" "I don't have to walk home." "I could take a taxi or a limo." "Or a hearse." "PETEY:" "Mmm." "You were so smart to bring this." "WOMAN [OVER PA]:" "Now serving Number 97 at Window A." "Hey, that's me." "You hang in there." "Thanks for everything." "You're welcome." "I was being facetious." "Ooh." "Ninety-nine." "Lucky you." "I'm 138." "Been here all day with my kid waiting in the car." "Nice try." " Hey, Dad, guess what." " Whoa, whoa, he doesn't need to know." " Why not?" " Think about it." "What's your father gonna do when he finds out you got $ 1120?" "Don't worry, I'm not gonna lend him any." "No, you clod." " He's gonna make you put it in the bank." " Oh, yeah." "He's gonna give me grief for taking you to the track." "Oh, so I guess that means I've got leverage on you." "Hey, I can live with the grief." "Can you live without the money?" "No." "I love my money." "Okay, so here's what you do." "Hide it in your room someplace no one will look." "I saw this movie where they put the money in a plastic bag and hung it in the toilet." "Bad idea." "Your toilet sees way too much action." "Okay, I'll buy a big safe." "Oh, brilliant, that won't raise any questions." "Just stick it in a shoe." "But what if I wanna wear it?" "Then put it in a different shoe." "But not the same pair, right?" "Correct." "You have to be careful spending it." "You don't wanna call attention to yourself." "Okay." "I'll just get a plasma TV." "No, no, no." "No plasma TVs, no computers, no expensive video games." "Buy small stuff that no one will notice." " Like doughnuts?" " Okay." "Perfect." "What about a doughnut machine?" "Okay, you're not hearing me." "I could hide it in the safe." "Get out of here." "Hey, where have you been?" "I told you." "The DMV." "All day?" "You should have made an appointment." "Yeah." "Next time I'll know." "So, what did you guys do today?" "Oh, not much." "We just hung out, ran a few errands." " Did you help him with his book report?" " Yes, I did." "Really?" "No." " You said you'd help him." " Yeah, you said you'd only be living here for a couple of weeks." "And you weren't drunk when you said it." "Fair enough." "So you guys just ran errands all day?" "Yes, errands." " Where is he, in his room?" " Yes, his room." " Thanks for keeping an eye on him." " No problem." "Oh, I have a bad feeling." "Hey, Jake, I'm back." "I was thinking..." "Uncle Charlie made me go to the track." "[SIGHS]" "What a day." "Just sitting and sitting and sitting." "Huh." "It was like jury duty without the fun of sending someone to jail." "Sounds awful." "Yeah, yeah." "So you guys ran errands today." "Little rat bastard sold me out, didn't he?" "Almost immediately." "Why would you take a 13-year-old boy to the track?" "Hey, I thought it would be better than him hanging around the house doing nothing." "He was supposed to be doing his book report." "Oh, yeah." "And weren't you supposed to be working on some big credit-card jingle?" "I'm percolating." "Boy, you are some role model." "Well, one of us has to be." "So exactly how much did he win?" "Eleven hundred dollars." "Wow." "Forget it." "He's not gonna loan you any." "All right, we'll put it in the bank." "A nice addition to his college fund." "What college fund?" "The one with $ 1100 in it." "Come on, Alan." "He won the money fair and stupid." " So I ought to let him keep it?" " What's the worst that could happen?" "So he blows it." "It's a life lesson and we get a doughnut machine." "What?" " It's just money, Alan." " Well, I don't want him to think like that." "Oh, much better he think like you?" "Squirreling away every dime so he'll have it handy for alimony payments and phone sex?" "For the last time, I misdialed." "Yeah, every Wednesday night for 20 minutes." "Okay, we are not talking about the phone bills." "We are talking about teaching Jake sound financial principles." "And I am entitled to a date night." "Fine, take the money away from him." " No, I'm not gonna be the bad guy." " I'm not gonna be, either." " Why not?" "It's your fault." " Lf you wanna point the finger look for the horse trainer who put crystal meth in Mr. McGlue's feedbag." "I'll bet that Clydesdale is still running." "Okay, okay, you think you know him best?" "We'll let him keep the money." "But mark my words." "No good can come from a boy like Jake having that cash to throw around." " Oh, come on, the kid might surprise you." " Here's a hundred bucks." " What's that for?" "JAKE:" "I broke a lamp." "[PIANO PLAYING "FIRST CALL"]" "[SINGING] It's the card that's accepted All over the globe" "Something, something" "Terry-cloth robe" "That's enough for today." "Hey, have you seen Jake?" "Oh, Little Lord Fartleroy?" "He wasn't pleased with grilled cheese for lunch so he walked to Red Lobster for their all-you-can-eat popcorn shrimp." " Wonderful." " He lined his pockets with foil before he left." "You think this is funny?" "So the kid gets to throw money around." " What's wrong with that?" "BERTA:" "Hey." "Richie Rich back with my crab legs yet?" "No." "You don't understand." "Money gives him choices and freedom." " Yeah, so?" " I don't have choices and freedom why should he?" " Dad, Uncle Charlie." "Come out and see what I just bought." "Oh, I have another bad feeling." "Oh..." "Jake, where did you get that?" "A guy had it in the back of his pickup truck at the gas station." "It had a "for sale" sign." "Oh, no." "I asked him how much it was and he said, "How much you got?"" "And I told him $ 1106 and he said, "It's your lucky day."" "Can you believe that?" "That's two lucky days in a row." "Okay, I'm sorry." " You did not ride that thing here?" " No, I pushed it." " I can ride it on the beach." " You figured wrong." " It's too dangerous." " Don't worry, I got a helmet." "I traded him for a bag of crab legs." " Can you help me take it to the beach?" " You're not riding that." "Well, I bought it with my own money, so you can't tell me what to do." "Really, I am as sorry as I could possibly be." "Let me show you how cool it is." "Look, the guy told me how to start it." "He said it might need a tune-up." "So where are my crab legs?" "Go ahead, say it." " I'm stupid and I got ripped off." " No, no, nobody thinks that." "I wouldn't say nobody." " Charlie." " Come on." "It's not the end of the world." "Look, Jake, sooner or later, every guy gets hustled." " Even you?" " Even me." "I remember when I wasrt much older than you I spent 100 bucks on a bag of oregano." " Oregano?" " Your uncle was making spaghetti sauce." "Yeah, in a parked car before I went to the Pink Floyd Laserium show." "Thank you." "The important thing is you learn something that will serve you for the rest of your life." " What's that?" " Always buy motorbikes and oregano from authorized dealers." "No." "No." "That is not the lesson." " A fool and his money are soon parted?" " No." " Don't run with scissors?" " Do you mind?" "Go ahead." "I'm down to "don't eat the yellow snow."" "That's not it, is it?" "No, the lesson here is that when a little extra money comes our way we do the smart thing, we put it in the bank." "It makes reasonable interest at minimal risk." "And then we have it for a rainy day." " Do you understand?" " Yeah." "Attaboy." "Trust me, there is no better feeling than knowing you have a little nest egg to fall back on." "There are at least eight better feelings." "ALAN:" "Charlie!" " Coming." "[ENGLISH SDH]"