"Why don't they call?" "Said they'd call." "I'll tell you why, because nobody ever returns your calls." "What are you doing?" "Making a phone call." "Balki, use the phone, I'll break a bone." "Boy, somebody got up on the wrong side of the flock." "What the matter with you is?" "Nothing the matter with me is." "Everything's fine." "Just a little tense." "Anxious." "Upset. lrritable." "And I certainly didn't get up on the wrong side of the flock." "[phone rings]" "Hello, Ritz-- Hello, hello, Ritz Discount." "Yes, this is Larry Appleton." "You're kidding." "Great. I'll be there." "This may be the greatest day of my life." "Now you happy?" "What is this, Dr Jekyll and Mr Hekyll?" "Balki, that was the photo editor from the Chicago Weekly Gazette." "Remember that picture I submitted of the burning building?" "Well, they want to print it." "Cousin Larry, congratulations." "I've got to be there at 6 to sign a release and get paid." "Balki, this is my first sale." "oh, cousin." "You are professional picture taker." "It's your dream come true." "Now we are so happy we do the Dance of Joy." "Balki." "A photojournalist must maintain a modicum of dignity." "Let's boogie." "[yelling]" "I can't believe it." "This is a terrific birthday present." "Today is your birthday?" "Yeah." "Happy birthday." "Thank you." "What did you get me?" "Well, l" "What do you mean, "What did I get you"?" "I'm supposed to get presents." "You're supposed to get the presents?" "You get presents on your birthday?" "Well, of course." "That's an American birthday tradition." "Haven't you ever heard of that?" "of course I have." "Don't be ridiculous." "I suppose this means you also didn't bake me a cake?" "What can I say?" "I'm scum." "Well, it's all right, I forgive you because I am so happy for you." "Why you didn't tell me it's our birthday?" "I don't know. I guess I just wasn't in the mood to celebrate this year." "But things are looking up." ""Photo by Larry Appleton."" "Well, look here." "If it isn't tweedledum and tweedledumber." "Mr. Twinkacetti, good news." "Cousin Larry sold a photograph." "It his dream come true." "Wise up, Appleton." "You're gonna grow old and gray busting your butt for me right here, until you die." "Grim, isn't it?" "Not even Twinkacetti can spoil this." "Well, I'd better leave." "Well, you got one hour." "Well, Balki, what if there's traffic jam?" "What if the elevator gets stuck?" "What if the building burns down?" "What if a giant prehistoric monster crawls out of Lake Michigan and eats Chicago?" "You're right. I'd better get a move on." "SUSAN:" "Hi, Larry." "Sorry, no time." "Gotta run." "l sold a picture." "tina:" "That's great." "Fabulous." "Hi, Susan, Tina." "Hi." "He's excited." "He should be." "Not only he sold the photograph, but it's his birthday." "Let's throw him a surprise birthday party." "oh, good idea." "When?" "Don't tell me." "I want it to be a surprise." "okay, we put all the food there, and we put the balloons here." "And" " What this?" "Isn't that something?" "only in America." "You know, in Mypos to do that, we had to squeeze a frog." "lt's Larry." "oh, he's early." "What do we do?" "okay, okay." "You go downstairs and head everybody off." "I'll hide the party stuff, and that way, we all surprise him at the same moment." "Cousin, how did it go at the newspaper?" "oh, fine." "Everything's fine." "They like me." "They love my photograph." "oh, it went great." "Everything's fine." "Fine, fine, fine." "I sense you have left out some small but important detail." "oh, yeah." "Did I forget to mention that the jerks didn't want to buy my photograph?" "oh, cousin, that's terrible." "Why not?" "Well, at the last minute they decided to use a picture taken by some other guy." "oh." "And get this." "The guy just happens to live next door to the publisher's barber." "Talk about your nepotism." "Well, I'd love to talk about my nepotism, but I don't know what that is." "You know what they used?" "The oldest clich‚ in the book." "A baby being rescued from the burning building." "News value." "The baby wasn't even that cute." "oh, cousin, you must be so disappointed." "Well, another birthday another banner year of failure with a capital F for Larry Appleton." "Well, that's it." "No more." "Me, a photojournalist." "It's time I realized my limitations." "Cousin, you just didn't sell one picture." "No, it's not just the one picture." "Don't you see the significance of this?" "I may as well throw my master plan right out the window." "No, no, you don't throw your master plan right out the window." "What is a master plan?" "Don't they have anything on Mypos besides sheep?" "Well, we got a 7-Eleven." "[crunching]" "See, my master plan is a schedule of how I want achieve my goal in life." "oh, and at 24, you're supposed to sell a photograph." "At 24, I was supposed to win a Pulitzer Prize." "I was supposed to sell my first photograph when I was 1 6." "Well, cousin, call me cuckoo, but instead of giving up on life why you don't just change your plan?" "Give yourself more time." "oh, sure, sure." "And then what do I do the next year?" "And the year after that?" "Before you know it, I'm an 80-year-old aspiring photojournalist." "Well, I guess the way you feel, what would make you feel a little better would be to have a nice dinner with some friends, or maybe a party?" "A party?" "Are you nuts?" "I don't even want to hear the word, "birthday."" "Spend an evening with people saying:" ""Hey, how's it going, Larry?" "Whatever happened to the old master plan?"" "That's all I need." "Thank God I didn't tell anyone else it's my birthday." "[knocking on door]" "This could get ugly." "[knocking on door]" "l'll get it." "No, no, cousin." "I'll take care of this." "Go away." "Took care of that." "Cousin, you look miserable." "Why don't you go lie down?" "Well, I might as well get some sleep now." "Just hope my tears don't short-circuit the electric blanket." "I can't sleep." "I'm hungry." "Well, what about some peanuts?" "Thanks." "Why have you got peanuts in that pocket?" "Because I have a squirrel in this one." "Why did I ask?" "Cousin?" "Cousin, cousin, don't do that." "l'm just gonna hang up my coat." "[knocking on door]" "No, no, you can't come in." "Balki, you invited us, remember?" "I've got Cousin Larry locked in the closet." "[banging on closet door]" "There's no party. I made a big mistake." "Stupid Balki." "Now go away." "Don't you ever, ever do that again." "Do what?" "You locked me in the closet." "No, I didn't." "What do you mean, you didn't?" "You shoved me in the closet and you locked the door." "No way." "Uh-uh." "What do you mean, no way?" "I am not crazy." "Well, you got-- l suppose you're gonna tell me there was no one at the door." "What door?" "That door!" "That closet!" "I don't know what you're talking about." "okay, okay." "Fine." "You didn't lock me in." "There was no one at the door." "We're not having this conversation." "This whole day has been some cosmic joke." "Ha, ha!" "Fine. oh!" "If Tony Perkins shows up wearing a dress and carrying a very large kitchen knife tell him I'm in the shower." "[phone rings]" "Hello?" "oh, hello, Larry's mommy." "How are you?" "oh, you want to wish him a happy birthday?" "Well, you don't want to do that." "Why?" "He can't talk to you." "Why?" "Because he lost his voice, and that's that." "oh." "I suppose he can just listen." "All right, one moment." "Cousin Larry, come over here." "Here he is." "Go ahead." "Are you done?" "Well, I don't know what you said, honey, but he's wearing a big, happy face." "Yes, he is and I just" " All the best." "This is the most utterly miserable day of my entire miserable life." "[knocking on door]" "You order a birthday cake?" "oh, please." "Party's over." "oh, hey, hey, hey." "You paid for it, you take it." "of course, no hot water." "Why should I expect hot water?" "I should've gone into motel management." "or nut farming with my uncle Leo." "No, no. I wanted to be a professional photojournalist." "Professional loser." "Well, I'll tell you, it's time for action." "Where are the want ads?" "It's time I faced reality." "You know, this is the best thing that's ever happened to me." "I like that shirt." "LARRY:" "This is typical." "This is so typical." "I am suffering a personal crisis of major proportion and you are off in dreamland with a stuffed sheep." "Balki." "Balki." "Balki." "[howls]" "Wolf in the flock!" "Wolf in the flock!" "Nightmare?" "Don't do that." "Balki, how can you sleep at a time like this?" "It's 2 a.m." "I've spent 5 hours coming to a realization." "I'm a failure." "The only job I'm actually qualified for is clerk in a discount store." "Well, good news, you got that job already." "Have you noticed the time?" "Yes, I've noticed the time." "I'm 24." "Time ran out at midnight." "oh, cousin, you're being too hard on yourself." "I'm a loser in life." "And the proof is that nobody even bothered to acknowledge my birthday." "But you said you don't want anyone to even say "birthday."" "Sure, I said it. I didn't mean it." "Yes, you did." "No, I didn't." "Well, you fooled me, buddy." "No one acknowledged my birthday." "Not Tina, not Susan." "Not even my mom." "I thought at least my mom liked me." "Even you, my best friend didn't go to the trouble of getting a card to say:" ""Happy Birthday, Cousin Larry." "You may be a failure in every area of your life but at least you have one friend."" "No, cousin." "Now, wait a minute." "Balki." "Too little, too late." "Doesn't matter now." "My birthday's over." "Did anybody notice?" "No." "Balki, do you--?" "Do you think that l--?" "I might be able to borrow your--?" "Thanks." "I'm pathetic." "[banging]" "Balki?" "Balki, is that you?" "Surprise!" "Surprise" " What?" "A surprise burglary?" "No, cousin" "[screaming]" "No, it's a surprise birthday party." "Happy birthday!" "But it's 3 in the morning." "I don't believe it-- oh, you really-- You" " You shouldn't have" "Who are you people?" "This is Max, from the newsstand near the bus stop." "Can't stay long, pal." "I gotta get downstairs for the night-owl edition." "Well, glad you could make it, Max." "This is officer Finley." "Yo." "Hi." "And this is Sandra from the doughnut shop." "oh, hi." "Hi." "Could you folks excuse us for just a minute?" "Balki, I don't know these people." "Well, I invite them to your birthday party." "Now, tell me the truth." "Are you really surprised?" "Stunned." "You were so sad, I decide to call up all of our friends and invite them to your party." "At 3 a.m.?" "That's what they said." "So I had to go out and invite Sandra and Max and the others because it's not a party if nobody comes." "Now you go mix and mangle." "Hey." "You guys got a corkscrew?" "Top drawer, next to the sink." "Thanks." "Who is that?" "Well, I think it must be a friend of Lou's." "Who's Lou?" "Hey." "Happy birthday, guy." "Thank you." "Lou?" "Snake." "Snake." "Yeah." "I was over at the doughnut shop and what's-his-name came in." "Hey, you are one lucky dude to have him as your friend." "Well, not a day goes by, I don't ask myself what I did to deserve him." "You don't mean that." "oh, yes, I do." "It's your birthday, isn't it?" "Yes." "Lou told me." "Here you go. open it up." "You gonna open it?" "Come on." "open it up." "No, this is" " This is really-- oh, crullers." "Crullers." "How did you know?" "l didn't." "It's just one of those gifts that can't miss." "Why don't you make a speech, cousin?" "Yeah. I want a speech." "Speech." "Yeah, go ahead." "Go ahead, say something." "Who are you?" "l'm Lou." "oh, you're Lou." "Well, l" "Well, I have heard so much about you." "Speech." "Speech." "Speech." "Well, l-- l hardly know what to say." "Well, I'm just touched and moved that you all went to all this trouble." "Max, Snake, Sandra." "What can I say?" "Everybody, you're" "You're the best." "And I just want you to know that it's-- lt's times like this that a man realizes who his friends are." "So I just wanna say thank you and I'll never forget this birthday as long as I live." "Hear, hear." "Excuse me, sir." "Me and Lou, we gotta run." "l'm sorry." "You're sorry?" "Bye-bye." "Happy birthday." "Bye." "okay, everybody, start singing." "[singing] Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to you" "Happy birthday, dear" "Larry." "Larry" "Happy birthday to you" "All right, here we go." "You know, Balki, believe it or not that was one of the best birthdays I've ever had." "Aw." "Now you see you're not a failure, because you have friends." "Thank you, Balki." "That was one of the nicest things anybody's ever done for me." "Cousin, I throw it together at the last minute twice." "You know, I learned something else tonight." "I can't give up my dream of becoming a photojournalist." "Why not?" "Well, for one thing, it's the only dream I've got." "But who was it that said:" ""You can't set your watch by a dream." "They operate on schedules all their own."" "I said that." "I wrote on your birthday card." "I knew it was somebody important." "Thanks, Balki." "For the party and for helping to keep my dream alive." "Well, cousin, that's what friends do." "Good night." "Good night." "I think we're out of ice." "[english SDH]"