"Well, this is where he jumped." "It's so sad." "I didn't know Malcolm was depressed." "He wasn't." "But the horse he was riding was." "You got salt on the table." "So?" "It's bad luck unless you throw it over your shoulder." "I should get a picture with you." "Yeah, that'd be great." "Let's do it." "Ask someone." "Excuse me." " Could you take a picture for us?" " Yeah, sure." "Hi, there." "Could I have a return ticket to Philadelphia, please?" "Sure." "That's $140, please." "Wow, that's pretty expensive." "That's the price, I'm afraid." "Okay." " Thanks." "Thank you." "Hi, could I get a super saver, cheap day, bargain rover, triple apex, off-peak, away break," " standby return to Philadelphia, please?" " Sure, that's three dollars, please." " Thank you." "Thank you." "Excuse me?" "Um, you charged her three dollars and you charged me $140?" "Yeah, that's because she asked for a specific type of ticket." "You just asked for a standard return." "Oh, okay." "Well, then I want the same one that she had, same ticket." "And which one would that be?" "You know, the super, roving around thing." "I'm afraid if you can't ask for it properly, we can't sell it to you." "Fair enough." "I will have the super saver, cheap day, bargain rover, triple apex, away break, standby, return to Philadelphia, please." "Certainly." "That will be $230, please." "What?" "You see, you asked for a super saver, cheap day, bargain rover, triple apex, away break, standby return, where she asked for a super saver, cheap day, bargain rover, triple apex, off-peak, away break," "standby return, and that's the cheap one." "Why don't you just tell me the least expensive way to get to Philadelphia." "Nope, you tell me." "I think I'd like to see the station manager, please." "That's not what he's called, is it?" "My brother is in the garden." "Mon frère est dans le jardin" "Répétez." ""My brother is in the garden."" "Where is the bicycle?" "Où est la biciclette ?" "Répétez." ""Where is the bicycle?"" "What are you doing?" "I'm learning French." "It's really easy." "As long as you don't listen to what that second woman is saying." "I don't know what she's talking about." "I think she's a little crazy." "Or as they say in France," ""I think she's a little crazy."" "What are you doing?" "Oh, um, I'm throwing the kids away." "What?" "Yeah, I don't want 'em anymore." "I'm all done with them." "You can't just throw them away." "Oh, come on, Lee." "They're useless." "Paul and Mary Lynn's kids can do all kinds of things." "They can spell, they can swim." "The oldest one can even play the recorder." "What do these guys do?" "Nothing." "Mommy, Daddy, we love you." "All right." "Come on." "Not you." "If you're going to be cycling at night, you'll need one of our high-visibility vests." "Oh, great." "Yeah, I'll take it." "And a high-visibility helmet." "Okay, yeah, I'll take this, too." "And finally, high-visibility gloves." "Excellent." "Yeah, you know what?" "I'll take all of it." "Oh, sorry, man, didn't see you there." "Okay, now I know this is your first burglary, so just stick with me and you'll be fine." "Right." "Now the first thing to remember is fingerprints." "Yeah, I brought them." " No, I mean, don't leave any." " Oh." "There's a computer in Washington that's got everybody's fingerprints on it." "That's all right." "I haven't touched it." "It's not just that." "The police can identify you from one strand of human hair." "Your DNA is very unique." "Oh, thank you very much." "So keep your hat on at all times." "What if a lady enters the room?" "Stop asking dumb questions." "Sorry." "Now, when we get inside there, what's the number one rule?" " Don't." " Don't what?" "Don't go number one." "Hold it and wait till afterwards." "No, the number one rule is keep really quiet and do everything I do." "What if you start shouting?" "What do you mean?" "What should I do then?" "Keep really quiet or do what you do?" "I won't..." "I won't shout." " What if you step on a nail?" " I'll be very careful." "Now look, when we get inside there, I'm gonna need you to disable the alarm using this duplicate key that I copied from the bunch that I found." "Why didn't you make a copy of the front door key?" "Then we wouldn't have to go through the window." "Because..." "Don't get smart." "Now, when we get inside there, if there's a dog, what do we do?" "Steal it." "No, if there's a dog, use this, it's a tranquilizer." " Won't it make me drowsy?" " It's for the dog!" "Now, I found out that the combination to the safe is hidden behind a portrait on the wall, so I'll find the portrait and you find?" " The wall." " The safe." "The safe." "Right." "Okay, here we go." "Wait!" "I've changed me mind." "Why?" "I can't do this." "I'm too nervous." "What are you talking about?" "You'll be fine." "I won't." "I think i just broke the number one rule" "So why don't you tell me how all this began?" "Well, I think my eating disorder started at a younger age because even then I always felt ugly." "And when did you realize you were ugly?" "What do you mean, "realize"?" "You said that when you were younger you realized you were ugly." "No, I said felt." "Well, felt, realized, whichever." "Well, there's a big difference." "Is there?" "Yes, if I say "felt," that means I was imagining I was ugly, if I say "realized," that means I thought I was ugly." "Okay." "When did you become aware that you were ugly?" "Aware is the same thing as realized." "Is it?" "Well, how do you feel now?" "Well, I felt pretty good for a few years until the recent breakup and then I guess I started feeling ugly again." "Do you think that you being ugly..." "Now you're saying "being."" "So?" "Well, you're saying I'm ugly now." "It's you that said you were ugly, not me." "No, I said I felt ugly." "I didn't say I was ugly." "Well, if you only feel ugly but you know you're not, it doesn't matter." "Yes, it does matter, because I spend half my time with my head over the toilet bowl puking up my dinner." "I wouldn't do that." "That's not going to make you less ugly." "It's not going to make me feel less ugly." "Exactly." "So why do you do it?" "I don't know." "You tell me." "I guess I do it because I feel fat." "Ah, at last, the F-word." "So perhaps now we can spend less time talking about how ugly you feel and a bit more time talking about your psychological attitude towards food." "Because believe you me, conquer that, and there will be a marked improvement in your self-esteem." "Okay." "Good." "So when did you realize you were fat?" "When's it due?" "Two weeks." "I think I'll walk." "Hey, Mary Lynn, how's the online dating going?" "Not good." "I haven't gotten one hit." "What's wrong with me?" "Nothing's wrong with you." "I'm sure it's just a fluke." "I don't know what the problem is." "I think my picture's pretty cute." "I've been growing my hair long." "I think it's my best feature." "You look beautiful." "Come on, let's get you out of here." "Okay." "Let's go." "What happened to you?" "Did someone hit you?" "Oh, no, my dad's a panda." "That's it!" "Go on!" "Pass it, pass it, go on!" "A bit harder!" "Go on!" "Go on, get him with your legs!" "Go on!" "David!" "David, that's it!" "Go on, really get in there!" "Go on!" "Kick him!" "Yes, go on!" "Go on!" "Punch him!" "Punch him in the face!" "Kill him!" "Kill him!" "Who's winning?" "Oh, it doesn't matter, does it?" "As long as they're having fun." "Ah!" "Kill him!" "Hello, and welcome to the Sixth Annual Mathematicians Convention." "What better way to start the seminar than with a joke?" "* I feel like I'm walking on a cloud *" "Thanks." "* With you *" "* Above the rains where nothing hides the sun *" "Thanks." "* I feel like * Thanks." "* I'm flying * Thanks." "* On the wind with you *" "Thanks." "Thanks, oh, thanks. * Troubles *" "Thanks. * I've left out *" "Thanks." "Thanks." "Just let me sing!" "Sweetheart, Mommy and Daddy want you to know that just because we're getting divorced, that does not mean that we don't love you anymore." "Absolutely not." "We love you very much." "Very, very much." "And we do not blame you for the slow and steady disintegration of our marriage." "Kaitlin..." "Do we sometimes wish that maybe you'd never been born?" "Sure." "Okay, I don't think..." "All right, that wasn't fair." "What mommy's trying to say here is that it's no secret that the stress you've brought into our lives is not conducive to a healthy marriage." "Okay, I hardly think this is an appropriate way to explain this to him." "You're absolutely right." "I'm sorry." "He's five." "He doesn't know what conducive means." "Listen, sweetheart." "Mommy Duck and Daddy Duck made a big mistake one night." "Honey, wake up." "What is it?" "I think there's someone in the house." "I heard a noise." "I heard it, too." "Um..." "I heard it, too." "Good afternoon, sir." "Can you confirm that your name is Mr. Paul Tompkins?" "Yes." "Paul F. Tompkins of 7 Marshall Road?" "Yes, that's me." "What's this about?" "We're here on a very serious matter, sir." "I'm afraid you're going to have to accompany us to the station." "Now?" "Oh, I can't." "I'm afraid we're going to have to insist." "No, no, it's my birthday." "We're having a party." "I'm waiting for my wife to arrive." "* We've come here just to say *" "* We hope you're having a lovely day *" "* But now it's time to tell you straight *" "* The reason why we wandered through your garden gate *" "* Whoa!" "*" "* Your wife's been killed *" "* She smashed the car *" "* She went through the windshield *" "* And traveled quite far *" "* She's dead *" "* She's gone *" "* She's got no more life *" "* So please come to the station to identify your wife. *" "Hey." "What's the matter?" "The kids have been really bad today." "Look what they've done to Lee." "Well, what's the big deal?" "All kids bury their dads in the sand." "They didn't bury him." "They cut his head off." "Well, if you just tuned in, welcome to Lightning 98.4 FM." "The number one station for pro basketball in the west." "Welcome to Powerhouse Sport, 98.6 FM." "The number one station for pro basketball in the west!" "I'll tell you, it's been absolutely unbelievable today." "I'll tell you, it's been absolutely unbelievable today." "The new Condors are signing Bob Boyston or, "The Bad Boy."" "The Condors signing Bob "The Bad Boy" Boyston." "As we at Lightning have dubbed." "As we at Powerhouse have dubbed him." "I always said this unstoppable guy from Buffalo could be the new Kobe Bryant." "He's unstoppable!" "And I've always said that about this guy, Bob, the Buffalo, Brian Bad Boy Boyston." "And with the clock ticking with three minutes to go in the fourth quarter..." "Only three minutes left on the clock in the final quarter!" "I'm sorry, four." "Including time-outs!" "And Carlson rebounds, driving the ball down the court like a smoking cannon." "And Cannon is driving the ball like he's smoking Carsons!" "And they only paid $3 million for him." "Unbelievable!" "Unbelievable!" "The Condors got him for only $3 million." "Sorry, $4 million. ...plus bonuses!" "Oh, shot by Wilkins from the three-point line!" "Oh, shot by Walkins from the three-point line!" "Swish!" "Sheer perfection!" "Swish!" "Sheer perfection!" "It sailed through the net like a chicken pot pie through water!" "It's like watching someone sail a chicken pot pie through water." "It really is." "Harris now cruising down the court like a candle made of butterscotch." "Look at him go, like a butterscotch camel!" "Kind of like a greasy cockatoo." "Like a greasy cockatoo flies the butterscotch camel!" "Dog pajamas!" "And he's making the Torpedos' defense look like dog pajamas as Bennett..." "Gladulates?" "Gladulates around Miller with seven seconds left on the shot clock!" "Chili cheese marbles!" "He's only got the chili cheese marbles to beat!" "And he's gladulating around him, too, with only three seconds to shoot!" "Fluffity chaff nobbles!" "He scores!" "The butterscotch camel has scored!" "He faked out the dog pajamas!" "He put it like a chicken pot pie through water!" "He gladulated around the chili cheese marbles like a greasy cockatoo!" "And that was absolutely fluffity chaff nobbles!" "Join us again on the number one station for basketball!" "Lightning FM." "Lightning..." "Powerhouse FM." "So what are the reasons you want a divorce?" "Irreconcilable differences." "Which are?" "She thinks "irreconcilable" is spelled with two Rs and I say it's only one." "Okay, who threw that?" "L-R-Q-5." "L-R-Q-3." "U-R-Q-6." "U-R-Q-4." "Well, no wonder your teeth were hurting." "Someone's been writing on them." "Mary Lynn, where are the tea bags?" "I can't seem to find them anywhere." "They're right in front of you." "You can't miss them." "Where?" "You're looking at them." "They're right in front of you." "Uh, no, don't see them." "Do I have to come in there?" "I mean, do you mind?" "Not exactly right in front of me, though, are they?" "Don't worry." "This is the best thing for a loose tooth." "We'll have that out in no time." "Are you ready?" "Here we go." "I don't think that one's ready to come out yet." "And where are you arriving from, miss?" "Amsterdam." "Okay, and are you aware that it's illegal to bring dairy products into the United States?" "Yes." "Okay." "And what is this?" "It's a tub of "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter."" "Please don't arrest me." "I'll never do it again." "No, no, miss, it's okay." "It's not butter." "It's "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter."" "And what do we have here?" ""I Can't Believe It's Not Heroin."" "Okay, now we've all done adult movies before, so let's just get this one in the can and we can go home, all right?" "So, when I say action, just undress her slowly." "Well, can you go out?" "No, we can't go out." "We have to film it." "Can you shut your eyes?" "I'm the director." "I can't shut my eyes." "Have you done porno before?" "Yes." "All right, then just get on with it, okay?" "Well, can I shut my eyes?" "No." "Action!" "Okay, look at her while you're doing it, please." "Okay, and improvise some dialog." "Oh, Bobby, you're so powerful." "Thanks." "And so..." "And you're so dominating." "Do you want a bagel?" "Oh, Bobby, you're an animal." "Which animal?" "Cut." "Could you get into it a little bit more, please?" "Well, she's calling me names, putting me off." "Well, if she calls you names just call her names back." "If she calls you an animal, call her a tease, call her a tramp, all right?" "Right, okay." "Action." "Oh, what are you doing?" "I'm taking your cardigan off, you cow." "Oh, what an animal." "Shut it, you weirdo." "Cut!" "Okay, let's, uh, let's forget the talking and just make noises like you're really getting into it." "Noises." "Okay." "Action." "Oh..." "Ah!" " Yeah..." " Yeah!" " Oh...!" " Oh...!" " Ah!" " Ah!" " Baby!" " Baby!" "Cut!" "Okay." "Why don't we forget the noises and just go straight to the sex?" "Right." "Where are you going?" "To put my pajamas on and brush my teeth."