"[Music playing]" "ANNOUNCER (ON RADIO):" "This concludes our broadcast day." "We will resume broadcasting at 5:30 AM." "Thank you for watching." "Hey, Harold." "Harold." "Turn that television off." "Go away." "Don't be ridiculous." "At least turn the channel." "Go away, Mother." "You're dead." "Oh, really?" "Well, you'll never get anywhere with that attitude." "I'm not listening, Mother." "Hm." "Hitting the hard stuff, eh, Kunkle?" "Once a sissy boy always a sissy boy." "Hah, hah, hah." "Now, you've got to drink." "Whew hoo!" "Chug that beer." "Hey, man, you got a light?" "Yeah, sure, Jen, no problem." "M-m." "Thanks, TJ." "No problem." "Now, that is a cigarette." "Hey, Kunkle, you got any pretzels?" "No." "But even if I did have them it would not make any difference." "You can't eat." "You're not alive." "Ain't that the understatement of the century." "[Laughing]" " Oh." " Drink." "Drink it." "So I'm dead." "Sue me." "Who's fault is it anyway, Kunkle?" "It's my fault." "I killed all of you." "You ridiculed me." "You beat me." "I couldn't take it anymore." "Ah." "Go cry to your mama." "I can't." "I killed her too." "No." "Oh, no, no." "No, it's happening again." "Thanks a hell of a lot, Kunkle." "Oh." "Oh." "You did this." "Oh." "Take a load off, Jen." "You'll be OK." "You shouldn't have made fun of me." "You should have loved me." "I loved you." "[Theme music]" "Look, honey." "I see we're having a little bit of salad" "With our dressing today." "Hey, you, lay off me, OK?" "This dieting business is bad enough as it is." "I've got to have some flavor." "You're beautiful just the way you are." "Flatterer." "I'm going to drop 20 pounds if it kills me." "Where did you go?" "Bob and I went to Louis' Fat Boy Burgers and Fries." "Ooh." "A Fat Boy burger." "They're so good." "I'd kill for a big, greasy Fat Boy burger." "Ah-oh." "Maybe I shouldn't have said the dreaded F word." "No, it's my cross to bear." "I'm going to remain strong in the face of temptation." "Ah, anything exciting happen while I was gone?" "You kidding?" "Anything out of the new guy?" "Not a peep." "He's a weirdo." "I know what you mean." "I tried to strike up a conversation with him earlier." "He just stared at me." "Maybe he's just shy." "Yeah." "Maybe he's just a backwards weirdo." "Should I ask him over?" "There might be some fun in it." "If you want." "But if he asks me out, I'm married." "You wish." "Hey, Harold." "Harold." "Yes?" "Come on over here." "It's no fun eating alone." "Sure." "Ah, you've met Connie." "Ah, yes." "So how do you like this place so far?" "That's all right." "Yeah?" "Well, give it a week or two." "You'll be sure to despise it." "Ignore her." "It's not too bad." "So you're new to the area, huh?" "Yes." "Where from?" "Ohio." "Oh, really?" "I've got an aunt who lives in Ohio, in Columbus." "Hm." "[Laughing]" "What's so funny?" "Ah, nothing." "Hm, nothing." "I'm sorry." "Ah, anything interesting in the paper?" "Ah, the economy is improving a bit." "Hey, did you guys catch any CNN last night?" "No." "Why?" "They cut caught that freak that's been killing" "All of those people in Alabama." " Really?" " Yep." "The bastard." "It's about time." "I hope he fries." "Did they say how many he killed?" "17." "Makes Manson look like an upstart." "Did he say why he cut their heads off?" "Usual crap." "Space aliens poisoned my water." "Satan left a note in my lunch box." "I say zap him and be done with it." "What a nut." "How could you behead another human being?" "Can you imagine that?" "Excuse me." "I have to use the restroom." "[Laughing]" "Well, I'll say one thing for him," "He's certainly an odd bird." "He's a weirdo." "Probably killed his mom with a hatchet." "Hey, look." "It's Mr. Nerd." "Hi, Mr. Nerd." "How was work, Mr. Nerd?" "I have to go." "Excuse me." "Excuse you?" "Why?" "Did you burp?" "[Laughter]" "Look at that tie." "Look at him." "(CHANTING) Nerd!" "Nerd!" "Nerd!" "Nerd!" "Nerd!" "Nerd!" "Nerd!" "Nerd!" "Nerd!" "Nerd!" "Nerd!" "Nerd!" "Nerd!" "Nerd!" "Nerd!" "Nerd!" "Nerd!" "Nerd!" "Nerd!" "Nerd!" "Nerd!" "Nerd!" "Nerd!" "Nerd!" "Nerd!" "Nerd!" "Nerd!" "Nerd!" "Nerd!" "Nerd!" "Nerd!" "Nerd!" "Nerd!" "Nerd!" "Nerd!" "Nerd!" "Nerd!" "Nerd!" "Nerd!" "Nerd!" "Emily Dickinson was born in Amherst, Massachusetts in 1830." "Miss Dickinson was educated at Amherst Academy" "And she also attended Mount Holyoke." "I think that it's Holyoke." "The female seminary." "Miss Dickinson's family had been New England residents" "For a number of years, thus, their upbringing was highly" "Religious and Puritanical." "Miss Dickinson's supposedly lived a happy, active, young" "Life, however, many accounts report" "That she soon suffered an extremely" "Deep romantic disappointment." "This deep disappointment may have caused" "Her to withdraw from society." "She thereafter became a reclusive spinster." "Her poetry is highly personal and extremely vivid," "Utilizing such themes as death, love, and eternal life." "Miss Dickinson died in 1886 and her first published work," ""Poems," was released posthumously" "Seven years later in the 1893." ""Poems, Second Series," was released in 1890..." "Excuse me, Mr. Reynolds." "Yes, Thelma." "Sorry to interrupt, but "Poems" was in 1890, not 1893." ""Poems, The Second Series," was then released in 1891." "Just thought that you would like to know." "Thank you, Thelma." "I certainly trust your work." "This source is obviously a bit fuzzy on the dates." "You're quite the Dickinson fan, aren't you?" "Oh, yes." "I just adore her work." "She's a personal heroine of mine." "Well, that is certainly refreshing to hear." "She probably has lesbian fantasies about her." "[Laughter]" "Well, Mr. Stone, I see that something has" "Tickled your funny bone today." "Yes, sir." "It sure is." "Well, perhaps you would be gracious enough to share" "This apparently priceless gag." "Would all of you like to be entertained by Mr. Stone?" "[Laughter]" "There you are." "Please, favor us with your wit, Jimbo, by popular demand." "Well sir, I don't think you'd find this particular gag" "All that funny." "Try me." "Well, Matt here was saying that Thelma probably" "Has some sort of a romantic attraction" "To this Dickinson lady." "[Laughter]" "Ah, that's all, sir." "That's all, eh?" "Well, Mr. Stone, since you and Mr. Douglas" "Are so taken with Emily Dickinson's personal life," "Well, I'm certain that the two of you" "Won't object to the execution of a 20-page paper on Miss" "Dickinson's personal life." "20 pages?" "Typed." "Single spaced." "Enjoy." "That's all for today." "Read Chapter 9 in the green book and Chapter 4 in the hardback." "And Mr. Baldwin, do try to get some sleep tonight." "I know that it's quite important for you to rock hard," "But your snoring is quite a distraction." "Thanks a lot." "But I didn't do anything." "Bitch." "Don't cry to teacher, Four Eyes, or I'll kick your ass." "[Laughter]" "Pure ugly." "HAROLD (VOICEOVER):" "Like an old record stuck on a groove," "My wretched existence continues." "I eat." "I work." "I eat." "I sleep." "I eat." "I work." "I eat, then I sleep again." "Life remains uneventful and unfulfilling." "It lacks flavor." "I find myself more alienated than ever before." "I am truly alone in the world." "Life hates me, but that's OK." "I hate life." "Grim specters of the past continue to haunt me." "I try to ignore them." "I must forget the past, but how can I when I have no future?" "I have come to a decision." "If things don't change soon, I'm going to kill myself." "THELMA (VOICEOVER):" "Dear diary, life is hell." "In my last entry, I shortsightedly" "Concluded that my social status at school" "Could not get any lower." "I was sorely mistaken." "A well-intentioned bystander apparently" "Informed Mr. Reynolds about the confrontation at my locker." "He'd get the five of us after class." "He was highly irate." "They each received a two-week detention." "Needless to say, they were quite distressed." "I didn't want him to do it." "I knew that they would think that I had told on them." "I don't know what to do." "My mother and father are still vacationing" "And they won't be back for three weeks." "I know that Mr. Reynolds meant well," "But I truly wish that he would have ignored the matter." "I live in fear of the inevitable reprisals." "I hate them." "I wish they would die." "I am seriously contemplating suicide." "[Organ music playing]" "Loneliness is an experience to which all of us" "As God's children can relate." "On the subject of loneliness, the great Anglican theologian" "CS Lewis once wrote the following words." ""We are born helpless."" "As soon as we are fully conscious," "We discover loneliness." "We need others, physically, emotionally, intellectually." ""We need them if we are to know anything, even ourselves."" "And so by the time we are but infants," "We seek to be in relationship, with our parents, our families," "With God, and with each other." "It has been said that Christianity is not a religion," "But a relationship and there is no such thing" "As a solitary Christian." "Yes, Mother, we made a date." "Well, I'm certain that he's a gentleman, Mother." "Yes." "He's a data processor." "He seems very intelligent and well mannered." "Oh, Mother, I'll be fine." "I have a first date sooner or later." "Hello, Thelma." "I brought you these." "Oh, they're beautiful, Harold." "Come on in." "Oh, thank you, Harold." "I'll put them in a vase." "They're wonderful." "How was work today?" "Ah, fine." "Thank you." "School was trying today as always." "Things aren't easy unless you're a... a football" "Hero or a... a cheerleader." "I'm sure you can empathize." "Yes, I know the feeling." "Academics just aren't emphasized enough." "No wonder the illiteracy rate is so high." "Ooh, there." "Ooh, they're marvelous." "No one has ever given me flowers before." "That was sweet, Harold." "Thanks again." "Ah, beautiful women should have beautiful things." "I think I heard it in a movie once." "Oh, thank you." "That's a lovely thing to say." "Where would you like to go?" "Ah, where would you like to go?" "Oh, anywhere is fine, Harold." "Well, there's a comic book convention" "Going on at the hotel at I-64." "We could go there if you want, unless you'd rather not." "Oh, that would be fine, Harold." "So do you enjoy reading comic books?" "Yes, I'm a collector." "Oh, I've never read them before," "But it sounds interesting." "[Music - "oh my sweet princess"]" "HAROLD (VOICEOVER):" "At last, I have" "Found someone, someone like me." "I've never been happier." "THELMA (VOICEOVER):" "I still cannot believe it." "My heart is literally bursting with joy." "After a lifetime of romantic yearnings," "I finally find him, someone like me." "I'm in love." "Oh, man." "I don't feel like going in." "Let's skip for the day." "I'm game if you are." "How about it?" "Start the big bash early." "No, I can't." "Old man Reynolds passed by a couple of minutes ago." "He'll know we were cutting." "Yeah, and the last thing we need is another detention." "Reynolds has got it in for all four of us." "Ah, it ain't his fault he's your standard asshole teacher." "He's just doing his job." "It's the nark's fault." "Nasty old nerd woman." "Fugly old nerd woman." " That bitch." " Yeah." "Maybe we should stick a tampon up her ass." "[Laughter]" "Your old man leave his Jeep?" "Yep." "It's ours till Monday." "Good." "We're going to need it to haul the kegs." "I can taste that brew now." "I'm gonna drink until I..." "What's wrong?" "I can't believe it." "Fugly found another fugly." "I got an idea." "You guys up for some special entertainment at the party" "Tonight?" "[Laughter]" "Thelma." "Hi." "Look, if you're here to harass me..." "No, really." "We're sorry about all that." "Yeah." "Really sorry." "It was Reynolds who gave us the detention, not you." "And well, you know, we probably deserved it." "I didn't tell on you." "If I were a snitch, I'd have informed" "On you when you shoved me down." "Obviously, I didn't." "Well, let's just call it a big misunderstandings, huh?" "We're here to make good." "We really want to bury the hatchet." "Honest." "Well, I guess grudge holding is pretty" "Unconstructive especially if it was" "Just a slight misunderstanding." "Well, I sure feel better now." "We felt awfully bad." "I feel better too." "I know I don't have very much in common with you" "Two or anyone else in the school for that matter," "But I hate conflicts." "Well hey, we just have to get to know" "Each other a little bit better." "That's all." "But we've been in school together for nearly four years." "Why all of a sudden..." "Look, everybody has to grow up sometime, right?" "Well, we're going to be graduating soon." "Let's just say it's our turn to do a little maturing." "OK." "We'll let bygones be bygones." "Hey." "Matt's parents are out of town and he's having" "A really big party tonight." "Why don't you stop by?" "Oh, I don't know." "I already made plans with my boyfriend." "Oh, so you have a boyfriend." "Well, why don't you bring him along too." "I don't know, Harold." "They certainly seemed sincere." "Ah, I don't know either." "This sudden repentance seems a bit suspect." "I suppose so." "Oh, but it would be so nice if it were genuine." "I've been in these situations before." "Besides, they probably want to ridicule us." "I don't think so, Harold." "Oh, I'm so happy now that I'm with you." "I think that they can sense that." "And it is the end of high school." "I'd so love to have it end on a good note." "Yes." "Yes." "We can go." "We could always go home early." "Oh, wonderful." "Oh, thank you, Harold." "I'm so excited." "The... the party starts at 10:00, but maybe we should be... oh," "What do the hip people call it?" "Fashionably late." "Sure." "So pick me up around 11:00." "Oh, I can't wait to show you off." "Great." "See you at 11:00 then." "Oh, wonderful." "I love you, Harold." "I love you too." "Good bye." "(SINGING) He don't even care the telephone is ringing." "Turns up the radio and pretends that he's singing." "Another tune comes on and says, dang, it's Elvis." "Jumps up like a hound dog, starts" "Shaking his pelvis around." "She don't even care. [Inaudible]." "Pulls on her high-heal shoes and rolls up her stockings." "Shakes a lollipop right out of her pocket, unwraps it," "Licks it once and then she starts" "To suck it, suck it, suck it." "Go ahead oh, minute man, say I can't understand why things are" "Happening, why things are happening, so I don't even try," "Don't stop to wonder why when she says she's going home." "So then he gives lip to me." "That was his first mistake." "The second mistake was when he thought he could take me down." "I mean, can you believe this guy?" "Of course, I'm too quick for his sorry ass." "I block his punch, then I pop him one." "I think that I broke his nose." "He's lucky I didn't break his neck." "Nah, I was there." "It wasn't that way at all." "Man." "Come on, nothing." "You're full of shit." "He hit you." "You hit the ground." "Why you gotta dog me, man?" "I gotta talk trash." "You calling me a liar?" "Ah, man." "Come on, man." "Cool out." "I ain't no liar." "I'm just talking." "You're full of shit, man." "You're an asshole." "[Inaudible]." "Damn straight." "Cause I'm gonna kick your lying, candy ass." "(SINGING) Ah, Ah, Ah." "Ah, Ah, Ah." "Ah, Ah, Ah." "So are you gonna spend the night?" "I'd like to." "I want to if I can." "I'll call home around midnight." "I'll tell my parents I'm staying at Marzie's." "Of course, she'll tell her parents" "She's staying at my house." "But you'll both be here, wantonly engaging" "In reckless, premarital sex." "You got it." "(SINGING) I can't understand why things are happening," "Why things are happening." "So I don't even try, don't stop to wonder why," "[Inaudible] going on." "We were going to scrap and all, but I let him go." "He's drunk." "I'm feeling mighty generous tonight." "You're looking very hot this evening." "What do say we blow this Popsicle stand and..." "[Doorbell rings]" "Door bell." "Screw them." "Am I the gatekeeper?" "How's about you and I taking a little..." "[Doorbell rings]" "You'd better get it." "I don't think anyone else can hear it." "Ah, man." "[Doorbell rings]" "Enough already." "Hello." "Is this Matt Douglas' house?" "We're here for the party." "Hiya, Thelma." "Hello." "Hiya, Thel." "Hello, Jimbo." "So I take it this is your so called significant other." "It certainly is." "He's the light of my life." "Oh." "How sweet." "Harold, this is Marzie." "Hiya." "Please to meet your acquaintance." "And this is Jimbo." "How ya doin' man?" "Fine." "Nice to meet you." "Let's go upstairs to freshen up." "Harold, I'll be right back." "Say, Harold, do you like to drink?" "Oh, it was nice of you to ask us to come." "Oh, sure." "Oh." "Hi, Thelma." "Hello." "Oh, you look nice." "Thanks." "I'm a little tipsy." "My eyes are probably blood shot." "Oh, no." "You both look wonderful." "Ah, you're sweet." "I wish I was pretty." "I know that I'm not." "Ooh, I wouldn't say that." "Yeah." "You ain't that homely." "You just need a little jazzing up, that's all." "But my hair is horrible." "My... it isn't that great either." "I've accepted it." "I am homely." "A little makeup can do wonders, even for a bad complexion." "And why do you think God invented extra body" "Gel and styling spritz." "I..." "I appreciate the interest, but I" "Never use those vanity things." "I wouldn't know where to start." "Hey, that's what friends are for." "Marz, get your purse." "Whew." "I'm going to give you the makeover of your life." "No." "Now, you... you don't have to." "No, we don't, but we want to." "Oh, but I'd feel bad." "Harold is down there by himself and he's really shy." "Oh, don't worry about him." "He's a big boy." "I'm sure Matt and Jimbo will take good care of him." "(CHANTING) Slam it!" "Slam it!" "Slam it!" "Slam it!" "Slam it!" "Slam it!" "Aw!" "Slam it!" "Slam it!" "Slam it!" "Slam it!" "Slam it!" "Slam it!" "Slam it!" "Slam it!" "Slam it!" "Slam it!" "Slam it!" "Whew!" "Man... (GROUP) He slammed it!" "Whew!" "There's more where that came from." "(GROUP) Yeah!" "Slam it!" "Slam it!" "Slam it!" "Slam it!" "Slam it!" "Slam it!" "Slam it!" "Slam it!" "Slam it!" "Slam it!" "Slam it!" "Ooh, it sounds like they're having a grand time downstairs." "Yeah, but not nearly as much fun as we are having up here." "Oh, yes." "We're coming along just fine." "[Laughter]" "Well, I must say, we've certainly outdone ourselves." "Yeah." "A regular work of art." "Oh, I'm so excited." "Do you have a mirror?" "Ah, no." "But there's one downstairs in the living room." "Yeah." "You'll surprise your boyfriend on the way." "Wonderful." "I hope that he notices the change." "Oh, believe me, he'll notice." "[Laughter]" "Wonderful pig feet." "I'd really like to thank you for inviting us." "I feel like I really belong." "Oh, think nothing of it." "It was our pleasure." "You like me." "You really like me." "[Giggling]" "Stop it!" "[Laughter]" "What's so funny?" "[Laughter]" "What's so funny?" "Take a look in the mirror, Fugly." "We buried the hatchet, all right." "Yeah." "Right through her ugly head." "[Laughter]" "Ah." "I feel sick." "I'm sorry, Harold." "It's my fault." "You warned me but, no, I" "Was the foolish optimist, always the" "Idealistic, foolish optimist." "Something's wrong with me." "I see red." "Do you like it?" "I got one of the red bulbs from my father's dark room." "Red suits my mood this evening." "It's my new favorite color." "Red is the color of blood, the color of revenge." "I don't understand." "Of all people, you should know." "What do you mean by that?" "You talk in your sleep, dear." "The ones who picked on you, the ones who ridiculed you," "You killed them." "I know all about it." "Please." "I don't know what you're..." "I'm not going to tell on you." "I love you, now and forever." "Let me explain." "You don't need to explain, my love." "I'm proud of you." "I'm glad that you did it." "And you're going to do it again." "No." "Yes, you are." "And I'm going to help you." "Now, I want to know all the details." "Tell me how you did it." "Tell me how you murdered them." "Johnny, nothing below the waist." "Oh, come on, Frankie." "We've already done everything but." "Well, I just don't want you to think I'm some sort of sleaze." "I don't like to go all the way until at least the third date." "Look, look, last Friday night we were both at the victory" "Dance, right?" "Ooh, yeah." "And we slow danced together, right?" "Yeah, I guess so." "And then Saturday, we were at Muzzy" "Lake drinking with the gang." "Right?" "Yeah, but we weren't really together." "Yeah." "Sure we were." "So technically speaking, that was a date too." "I guess it could have been." "OK." "So again, technically speaking, that would make this" "Our third date, right?" "M-m." "Well, I have to think about it." "OK." "But make sure you pull out before you do it." "Hey, no problem." "I believe in safe sex too." "[Pebble sounds]" "What the hell." "Sounds like hale." "Hale my ass." "Someone's throwing rocks." "It's that asshole Tom Birch." "I'll have my foot so far up his ass," "He'll be tasting shoe leather." "I'll show you at the court." "Bare you for ornaments where women breathe." "That every sigh may lift you just as high as I and when" "I die, I make a way to sleigh you," "Still to show how rich I go." "The skies in peach and wealth so wonderful." "And banish me." "Oh." "Hello, Johnny." "Fancy meeting you here." "Welcome to hell." "Man, you are one weird bitch." "Ah!" "We've known each other for a long time," "Ever since elementary school." "You've never been civil to me." "Hey... hey come on." "Do you remember the eighth grade band banquet?" "What you called me in front of every one?" "Mother and Father thought I was too young to shave" "My legs and armpits." "I couldn't help it." "They wouldn't let me." "We were at the banquet." "Everything was quiet." "Then you shouted, Hap, H-A-P, short for hairy armpits," "In front of everyone." "Everyone laughed." "I cried." "But that wasn't enough for you." "You threw disposable razors at me in front of everyone." "But hey, I'm willing to let bygones be bygones." "[Laughter]" "Hey." "I'm going to give you your just desserts." "I always wanted to know what oral sex was like." "I don't have the gag reflexes like you." "No." "Oh, god." "Stop." "Please." "Freak bitch." "Easy." "Oh, I'm sorry." "I must have done it wrong." "Ah!" "Harold, shush him." "Splendidly done, Harold." "What you did, did you enjoy it?" "Oh, Harold, you're jealous." "Don't worry, you're much bigger." "[Laughter]" "Men, who needs 'em?" "(SIGHING) Well, there's always Mr. Hand." "Ooh." "Ah." "M-m." "Ah." "[Inaudible]." "Caught you with your hand in the cookie jar." "Thelma." "You're nothing but a stupid, danged, air-headed fluff chick." "You think you're so pretty." "You with your big breasts and clear skin," "You probably never even had a zit." "I'm going to slice you up." "No." "No!" "And then, I'm going to pee on you." "[Screaming]" "[Laughter]" "Hey." "Hey." "Hey!" "(TOGETHER) What?" "The old bitch from next door just called." "She got pissed about the noise and she called the cops." "Bull shit!" "Come on." "We gotta clear out of here." "Oh, man." "I just bought a whole bottle of vodka." "We'll drink it later." "I'm just getting comfortable, man." "Let's go." "Boo." "Damn." "[Giggling]" "Don't do that." "Oh, what's the matter, did I frighten the little man?" "Look." "That's not a corpse, that's Tom Birch." "He passed out about an hour ago." "Not dead, unfortunately, just wasted." "Scared the hell outta me." "For a minute there, I thought those nerds" "Came back for revenge." "Oh, that'll be the day." "Matt, I told Rachael she could spend the night, OK?" "What the hell." "The more, the merrier." "We've already got one uninvited guest." "Great." "She's taking a shower." "[Screaming]" "Whew, whew, whew." "[Screaming]" "[Laughter]" "You're an asshole." "It was just a joke." "Asshole." "I thought you were KO-ed." "I was." "I got better." "Well, I don't care if you spend the night." "I do." "Just keep it down, OK?" "No problem." "You're a great guy, Matt." "Whatever." "I'm going to bed." "By the way, you've got a nice beaver." "MRS. JOHNSON (ON PHONE): [inaudible]." "I don't know Mrs. Johnson." "MRS. JOHNSON (ON PHONE): [inaudible]." "Yes." "Lucy was at the party, but she left with Jack" "Walker and another couple." "MRS. JOHNSON (ON PHONE):" "Jack Walker?" "What do you think they're doing now?" "Calm down, Mrs. Johnson." "MRS. JOHNSON (ON PHONE):" "Was there drinking?" "Oh, no." "There was no booze at the party." "MRS. JOHNSON (ON PHONE):" "And they probably had some pot." "No." "No pot either." "Look, lady, I don't need..." "What's wrong?" "That's weird." "The phone went dead." "[Laughter]" "I hate that Dick." "Everyone hates Tom." "Then what's he doing here?" "Matt's too nice of a guy." "He can't say no." "Hurry up and finish." "I'm drunk and I'm horny." "You're always horny." "Beer makes me horny." "Let's go to bed." "Maybe we won't be disturbed this time." "We'd better not be disturbed or that Tom" "Birch is going to be one sorry... was that the front door?" "Maybe Matt's putting his cat out." "Let's go to bed." "All right." "All right." "But I forewarn you, I may be too drunk to get it up." "Tom?" "Don't you ever learn, little boy?" "You deserve a good, swift kick in the balls." "[Laughter]" "[Screaming]" "There he goes again." "I should have known better than to let Birch" "The butt hole spend the night." "[Screaming]" "By the way, you've got nice beaver." "Hi, honey." "I'm home." "Where's the Beaver?" "[Laughter]" "Ward, you were a little hard in my beaver last night." "[Laughter]" "All right, asshole." "Once just wasn't enough, was it?" "Huh?" "Man, what are you talking about?" "You know goddamned well what I'm talking about, man." "I heard you laughing like a goon upstairs." "Look, I'm warning you, you leave Rachael alone." "Man, I don't know where you're coming from." "Look, I..." "I'll spell it out for you." "I don't like you." "Nobody likes you." "You're slimy, whiny little jerk off" "And if I catch you bugging her again, your ass is grassed." "Do I make myself clear?" "Yeah." "Sure." "Whatever." "Do I need to elaborate?" "I think I get the general idea of what you're trying to say." "Good." "See that you do." "What is this, pick on Tom Birch night?" "Damn." "Big Shit is lucky I didn't pop him one." "Might as well make myself at home, especially" "Since I'm so well liked." "Well, they can all hang for all I care." "Ouch." "Dear Stud, you are totally hot." "I've been playing hard to get, but a girl has" "To do what a girl has to do." "Come upstairs right now for some hot booty love?" "I'm in the room with the water bed." "Lets start some waves?" "Love, Rachael." "I knew she wanted me." "Hey, Rachael." "Come on in, big boy." "I see that you got my note." "You know it, babe." "I was naked, but I didn't want to get you too excited" "All at once." "So I found a special dress in the closet." "I thought that you could slowly strip me." "Would you like to take off my dress?" "Would I?" "You'd probably like to massage my breasts too, wouldn't you?" "Sure." "Then come here." "Make me wet." "I hope that you like my special dress." "Don't worry, babe, it ain't going to be on long." "Do you like it?" "It's a wedding dress." "The year book voted me most likely to never get married" "And you were the editor." "Hey, you ain't Rachael." "You're that fugly nerd." "You know, Tom, you really are an asshole." "Get him, Harold!" "Get him!" "Get him!" "[Gasping]" "Oh." "What was that?" "I don't know." "Oh, shit." "I forgot to take out my contacts." "Ah, they're stuck to my eyes." "I'm going to have to get some saline." "Hurry up." "Hey, this isn't the bathroom." "[Muffled sounds]" "Set her down over there." "Tie her nice and tight, Harold." "It wouldn't do if I should slip while I'm giving" "Her her nice, new haircut." "Marz?" "Marz?" "Thirsty." "Oh, that's much better." "Doesn't she look wonderful, Harold?" "Oh, she looks lovely." "I must say, it's a definite improvement." "Voila, Madam." "Aw, she does not lie her new do." "Well, I guess I did miss a few spots," "But I know just the thing to clean her up." "Wait here." "Skin head." "Ha." "Would you like to do the honors?" "No." "No." "I could..." "I would hate to infringe" "On your consortial talent." "Oh." "All right, I'll finish her up then." "Well, Marzie, it looks like we're going" "To bury the hatchet after all." "Whew, look at the blood." "Oh, so pretty and red." "That asshole, Birch." "He's probably busy looting the place." "I knew it." "All right, Birch, you better have hands clean." "Otherwise, it's judgment day." "Kill him, Harold." "And I'll finish off the other two." "[Screaming]" "Die!" "Die!" "Die!" "Die!" "[Screaming]" "Get back here, you bitch." "[Sparring sounds]" "[Screaming]" "I've always been envious of your big, breasts." "I'm going to lop them off." "Then I'm going to stuff them in my bra." "I'll have big titties too." "[Giggling]" "That's right, you moron." "That's exactly where I want you." "Eh!" "[Screaming]" "Eh!" "[Choking sounds]" "[Grunting sounds]" "Hello." "Avon calling." "Eat shit, Avon lady." "[Screaming]" "Ow!" "Ow!" "No." "No." "You wouldn't." "Fry, you fugly bitch." "[Screaming]" "[Laughter]" "It is a special day after all, so I made your favorite." "That's right." "It's spaghetti." "I'm certain that you're surprised." "You have to clean your plate." "You're starting to lose weight." "I have another surprise." "I'll be right back." "Surprise." "That's right." "We're having wine." "Can I help it if I'm a hopeless romantic?" "Happy birthday." "I love you, Thelma." "[MUSIC THE TWISTOFFS, "STRANGE THINGS"]"