"What was going on there huh?" "We thought you were sleeping Daddy." "How can I sleep with two Twinkie burglars roaming around?" "Can we watch Dragon Tales please?" "Yeah." "Why not why not?" "Which one of these turns on the TV?" "Honey I think you just opened the garage." "I'm just planning ahead I know" "P-yew!" "Was that a stinky-dink bug?" "Good job." "Whatever happened to the good old days when you pulled the knob a nd on came the boob tube?" "The O'Doyles got a universal remote control" "One clicker controls everything" "Makes life a lot easier for old people like you" "Well whoop-de-do for the O'Doyles" "tree house?" "I don't know Ask your father" "Ask me what?" "Do you think you'll have time to finish building the tree house ever?" "Yeah Dad lt's kind of been halfway done for two months now." "All right I want to it's just I got a lot of things going on at work right now." "But as soon as I'm done I'm on it I promise Hang in there" "Hey look at Sundance wrestle his duck." "that's not wrestling." "That's something you shouldn't know about for another 10 to 30 years." "Ten for you." "Thirty for you." "Michael?" "I'll see you tonight at the swim meet?" "Swim meet." "l gotta go to that?" "Yes." "Michael." "babe." "Mr. Newman." "Kevin O'Doyle." "Yeah." "Always a pleasure." "What kind of stereo you got in that blue piece of shit?" "Kevin." "my father's stereo is a Bose." "Your father's stereo blows?" "That's too bad." "No!" "I said-- That's not what I said!" "His father's stereo blows!" "let's go!" "Mr. Newman." "Good morning." "Mr. Newman." "Hello." "Mr. Newman." "Hi." "Mr. Newman." "Alice I was stuck in traffic for an hour and a half." "When's the meeting?" "lt started already." "What?" "Can I go to the bathroom?" "you don't have to ask me." "Prince Habeeboo is that the building codes in Manhattan will allow us-- sir." "Some moron in a red Lamborghini parked in my spot so" "Prince Habeeboo drive red Lamborghini." "Red Lamborghini?" "I meant blue Ferrari." "is this one of your partners?" "Michael is just an associate." "But he is one of our brightest young architects." "Thank you." "Walk His Majesty through our design concept." "With pleasure." "Prince Haboobee" "Habeeboo!" "Prince Habeeboo." "Habeeboo. I thought I said that." "When Mr. Ammer explained to me the type of man you are a visionary who prides himself on originality..." ""Let's smash the mold and redefine elegance."" "So I present to you your restaurant." "Where is" " Where's bar?" "the waterfall" "Make bar longer." "Okay." "We could cut into the atrium a little bit." "No atrium." "Just make bar longer for Prince Habeeboo." "Really?" "Still itchy?" "You got it." "And put big drain in floor for wet T-shirt contest." "right?" "Michael." "Let's just take out the atrium and run with that and there's your drain." "God. -l love it. lt is simply awesome." "Yeah." "Basically you want me to design you an Arabian hoochie house?" "How dare you compare Prince Habeeboo's Bikini Hut..." "...to this hoochie house?" "This idea's..." "Michael." "It's like opposite of hoochie." "Prince Hubbida Hubbida." "Hubba Bubba." "Habeeboo!" "Habeeboo!" "Hubba Bubba is chewing gum." "Prince Habeeboo's not chewing gum." "we will-- l will make this happen." "John Ammer's office." "Michael." "sir." "See that parking garage over there on 56?" "Watsuhita wants to knock it down and build a luxury hotel." "You got the commission?" "Not yet." "I just need someone to come up with a design proposal. intrigued?" "yes." "I'm all over it." "Great." "Have a great Fourth of July with the kids. I'll put Swardson on it." "no." "Absolutely not." "l-- l" " Can't it just wait three days?" "These guys are Japanese." "They can't wait for their fish to cook." "I guess I could talk to my wife." "Great." "See you later at happy hour with Prince Habadabee." "My son has a swim meet tonight that I have to get to s-- l'm just messing with you." "We're good." "Ben!" "you were great!" "You're not my dad." "As far as you know." "What?" "I was just joking." "is he really my dad?" "you did it!" "you were so great." "half a dolphin or something?" "That was incredible." "Dad." "I saw you." "What do you mean I just got here?" "Why are you saying that?" "I saw you." "You jumped in there you swam here." "Dad?" "He was doing the shut-up." "Hey." "Good thing is Daddy was here to see you finish." "He didn't see me finish." "He was hanging out with Ping Woo for some reason." "huh?" "The kid was drowning." "I'm gonna let him drown?" "Nobody goes drowning in my pool." "How you doing?" "Bill Herlihy." "Ben's coach." "You must be Dad." "Michael Speedo-- Michael Newman." "Sorry." "huh?" "head turns left." "Left arm out" "Head turns right. I know." "I just forgot at the end." "that's all right." "people are gonna think you're a half a dolphin out there." "Really?" "Yeah." "Cute." "Hello?" "Mr. Ammer." "slow down." "It's not a race." "That's his second one in five minutes." "Keeps eating more and more." "He's like a machine." "He can't still be hungry." "He's not." "He's just doing whatever Michael's doing. lt's driving me crazy." "Everything Michael's been doing lately is very unhealthy for him." "He's gonna kill himself." "Like a signature building we're talking about." "my God." "Scared the crap out of me." "how much longer are you gonna live?" "One minute." "One minute?" "honey." "Don't worry. I'm not dying." "I'm gonna live for 200 years." "is that long enough for you and me?" "Promise?" "l promise." "Swear." "Come here." "You son of a bitch!" "Hey!" "There are families here!" "you pieces of shit!" "old man." "Don't light another damn one!" "Benjamin." "Benjamin." "What am I holding?" "Grandma does not let me eat ice cream..." "...because of my diabetes." "True." "about a tasty quarter." "Okay." "All right." "All right." "count to three because it tastes terrible." "three." "Are you shitting me?" "now you're talking like him?" "Ben." "Don't you ever say that again." "Grandpa?" "A good magician never reveals his secrets." "Your daddy has wanted to know how I've done that trick since he was your age." "son?" "who are you talking to?" "Ma." "Take it easy." "tell him to get a life." "You got family here." "You're busy." "Come on." "My mother says hello." "isn't he?" "On his big cell phone." "Big boy." "That's it." "Get some sleep." "Thank you Mr. Ammer." "All right." "Good night." "Are you done?" "Can we relax now?" "Sorry." "grandpa!" "You're dead." "you better run!" "I kicked your father's ass in high school!" "Now I'm gonna kick yours!" "I hate that man." "you two cowboys." "back to bed." "Come on." "Pocahontas is off duty." "I'm out of here." "sheriff?" "so no." "I need to watch this documentary on Asian architecture." "sweetheart." "the woodland creatures will laugh at you if you collapse trying to put up the tent this weekend." "Yeah. I forgot to tell you." "We gotta postpone the camping trip." "Ammer put me on a project." "so...." "The kids have been talking about camping all year." "Think I don't know that?" "everything I do I disappoint somebody." "Make sure you don't keep disappointing the wrong people." "I'm not out drinking or gambling or hitting on chicks." "I'm working my ass off so my family can have a better life than I dreamed of when I was a kid." "The only way for that to happen is for me to watch this stinking show!" "hon." "Are you kidding me?" "Will you give me a break one time?" "Damn it!" "The O'Doyles got a stinking universal remote control." "We're gonna have one too." "I'm sick of this." "You want me to open the garage for you?" "Closed." "Closed." "Open." "Bed Bath  Beyond it is." "man?" "You guys got any universal remote controls in there?" "For a shower curtain or a bathmat?" "For a television." "I don't think so." "Maybe for a blanket?" "You got a remote for a blanket?" "I don't work here." "I'm waiting for my friends." "You're kidding me." "yes. I don't have any friends." "Will you be my friend?" "man." "Bed." "Bed." "Bath." "Bath." "Bed." "So tired of my life." "Beyond?" "Sorry to sneak up on you. I just" "You guys got a universal remote control back here?" "Something stinks like stale french fries." "that's probably me." "fast food shortens your life." "that's what I heard." "that ain't such a bad thing." "You're looking for a universal remote control?" "Yeah." "Just one device to do it all for me... not so damn complicated." "but you seem like a good guy." "Hey." "Somebody noticed." "Thank you." "I'm gonna show you a remote we just got in that's probably the most advanced piece of technology we have in this place." "Sounds sweet. -lt is sweet." "greatest universal remote not even on the market yet." "I guess the O'Doyles' remote can bite my advanced-technological ass then." "I don't know the O'Doyles but they can bite it hard." "Yeah." "Come in the back with me." "Okay." "This is" " This is very nice of you." "anyways?" "Call me Morty." "I'm Michael Newman." "Michael Newman." "I'm about to rock your world." "Okay." "I gotta be honest with you." "This place looks bigger from the outside." "Just kidding." "hey." "I think maybe there in the middle?" "Sneaky." "Where's the box?" "Does it come with directions?" "Not necessary." "click." "it will program itself." "How much is this thing?" "you know?" "Lucky for you it's not in the bar-code system yet." "So I'm gonna have to just give it to you." "man?" "Want me to take my shirt off for you?" "Because I don't play for that team." "get out of here." "then?" "Because good guys need a break every once in a while." "Take it." "Enjoy." "All right." "Michael." "This item is nonreturnable." "Why would I wanna return something I got for free?" "man." "though." "Okay." "Good job." "mate." "turning my own TV on." "I'm a freaking whiz kid." "residential architecture.... yeah?" "They're very understanding about not going camping this weekend." "Great." "They could have a sleepover instead." "thank you." "Thanks for being so cool about this too." "Can I ask you something?" "Yes." "After you do all this work and become a big player at your company do you think you're gonna have more time for us or are things just gonna get even more out of control?" "Wait." "When I get to that place and become a boss... the first thing I'm gonna do is hire a bunch of idiots just like me to do all my work." "me and the kids can do whatever the hell we want." "You just gotta give me some time." "Don't give me that look." "give me some support." "All right?" "I love you." "Go to sleep." "Michael." "Absolutely." "And stop with the Yodels." "You're gonna wake up 400 pounds." "Okay." "dude." "Everybody's sleeping." "You gotta poop again?" "okay?" "Will you just hold it in for five minutes and keep the freaking volume down?" "I guess when you combine mass quantities of cough syrup with Yodels you get acid." "Go." "man." "today." "Holy motherfu--!" "you're right." "In the short run plastic surgery is a hassle." "But six months later I'm gonna have a face and a body that's gonna get me to places where l wanna be." "she says:" "this procedure is too risky."" "I think I'd freak out too." "they're too Slavic." "You should get some work done." "Then maybe Michael will wanna hang out with you too." "Michael." "You're looking very crappy today." "you're looking very Slavic." "You're just jealous because Donna and I are going to the gym and all the guys are gonna be hitting on us." "Michael knows he's my one and only." "babe." "Sorry about last night." "And I love you. I'm s-- my God. I want that so bad." "A husband that I can kiss and love and give juice to." "You've already cheated on three different husbands with their brothers." "I think you've given enough juice to everybody." "Love juice." "You know way too much about me." "I should never have done that Montel Williams show." "Even Montel Williams thinks you're crazy and he's seen a lot of shit." "I was desperate for companionship!" "All of my husbands...." "All of them have emotionally abandoned me." "They went to work." "You had sex with their unemployed brothers." "You're a horndog." "Michael." "no!" "I have had self-esteem issues since I was a kid." "I had a rabbit named Pepper." "And that rabbit abandoned me too!" "Even the rabbit did!" "Even the rabb" "Don't look at me!" "bunny" "Here's the pitch to Matsui." "A deep drive." "it's out of here!" "A two-run shot into the right-field seats for Hideki Matsui." "I'm sorry." "What was that?" "She has so many problems." "Why do you have to be so mean?" "l" " Hello." "I gotta go." "good RoboDog." "And he can bark in over six different languages." "It's so cool." "human dog." "see Kevin's new robot dog?" "yeah." "Very nice." ""Very nice"?" "This thing is worth more than your car." "Not anymore it ain't." "RoboDog!" "hey." "Okay. ls this some sort of reality show?" "Are you the host?" "Morty?" "Where are the cameras?" "huh?" "Sundance did very well also." "America!" "Have your laugh!" "I'm an idiot!" "I'm gonna get you!" "Fast-forward." "Michael." "You wanted a universal remote control that remote-controls your universe." "but what controls my dance skills?" "Morty likes it too." "just hit menu." "On the remote?" "on the remote." "Where are we?" "go!" "One Mississippi." "Two Mississippi." "three." "Cough syrup's kicking in again." "We have a boy!" "Is it gonna work?" "What is this?" "Michael." "Your life menu." "My life has a commentary?" "It's chock-full of goodies." "Click it." "Click it." "This is last Tuesday." "Michael was eagerly awaiting the arrival of his lunch order." "James Earl Jones?" "James Earl does a lot of voice-over work." "But his anticipation quickly turned to dismay as he realized Alice had brought him a cheeseburger instead of a hamburger as he requested." "A cheeseburger?" "I said a hamburger." "She always does this to me." "Michael considered demanding that Alice scrape the cheese off but decided not to fearing that Alice may spit in or otherwise defile the burger in some manner." "A wise decision for that was exactly what Alice was planning to do." "Are you kidding me?" "Sneaky." "My God." "What else we got here?" ""Making of"?" "Just click." "psychedelic." "Where are we?" "is this a porno or something?" "Teddy!" "is that my parents?" "They're making you." "Like bunny rabbits." "That's the spot." "Smack my heinie!" "Change the channel!" "How do you do this?" "I can't see." "What happened?" "What--?" "The floor is so mushy and slippery." "Feels good on my feet." "Check it out." "You hit the fast-forward button." "I believe we're sometime after your conception." "Mrs. Newman." "No!" "We're in my mother's vagina?" "Again." "And push." "lt's a girl." "lt's a girl!" "It's a girl." "Thank you so much." "Thank you for that." "it might be a boy." ""might be"?" "What is that?" "Maybe that's a penis." "Maybe that's a pe--?" "That's a penis." "That's my penis." "Can I see that?" "Can you bring that a little closer?" "See?" "That's a tiny schmeckel." "Yeah?" "We have a boy!" "We have a boy!" "Your mother must have some superpower eyesight because I didn't see anything." "Let's get out of here." "So if you think about it I can reexperience any part of my life I want to." "It's amazing." "God what did I do?" "pal?" "Gotcha." "I'm not freaked out enough?" "It's simple." "Think of a time and a place... and you're there." "Time and a place." "Time and a place." "my God." "Lake Winnipesaukee." "That's me in the Jets shirt." "go!" "Good hands!" "Nice hands." "Michael!" "dinner's almost ready." "Invite your friends if you want to." "So any of you wanna come by my tent for some supper?" "Or we could eat at my Winnebago and watch Three's Company." "Three's Company." "That's humiliating." "why can't we camp in an RV like every other family?" "come on." "You call that camping?" "How can you get close to nature in a tin can like that?" "it's more fun to have to keep each other warm at night." "Don't you know it." "No cupcakes yet." "But I'm starving." "Michael." "You know how hungry I am?" "I could eat this." "this is where the quarter trick started." "How the heck did he do that?" "it's a trick coin you buy at a magic shop." "I just couldn't let him know I knew that." "That's sweet." "so hit play." "It's a very powerful device." "Use it with caution." "Okay." "Who are you?" "You know who I am." "Morty?" "If you have any questions call me." "I think Stacy gets the most-beautiful-feet award." "You wanted to see me?" "I'm heading out to the Hamptons in a couple of minutes." "I'm counting on you." "This hotel project?" "It's a big fish." "partner."" "Okay." "Thank you." "atrium boy."" "Denise just called." "so she can't make it to the Hamptons." "I'm gonna be alone on the Fourth of July?" "if you need female companionship this weekend... wow." "Really?" "What's she like?" "sir." "Excuse me. I'm sorry to interrupt..." "...but this is kind of important." "Okay." "Go to the bathroom." "Okay." "Dude!" "You suck so bad." "Dad." "buddy?" "Playing some catch?" "because Ben hasn't caught one yet." "Darn it." "O'Doyle." "Dad." "Mommy!" "I know." "Well I thought she should've gotten voted off." "But did you see her Kate Spade handbag?" "It was gorgeous." "Trudy." "I gotta say hi to your son." "l told your parents to come for dinner." "Really?" "That sounds good." "It'd be fun for them to be here for the sleepover." "so great." "Yeah." "bye-bye." "sweetie." "I just gotta build an entire model tonight." "I'm the leader!" "Go say hi to Daddy." "Go on." "I can't take a whole night of this." "U" "Cool." "I can skip chapters." "What a family." "let's get dinner over with." "Next." "Next." "buddy." "Let's go." "Will you stop already?" "Dad's quarter trick." "I can't wait not to see it." "Alone in my basement at last." "Should I do my work and become partner now?" "I think so." "Let's get to it." "Michael?" "Yo." "We don't wanna interrupt." "We're taking off." "Thanks for a great night." "You had a fun time hanging out with me?" "right?" "honey." "Love you." "just so you guys know that." "It couldn't have gotten any smaller." "yeah." "It looked like a little Tic Tac." "I'll freshen your breath." "sweetie." "sweetie." "honey." "See?" "Was that so bad?" "Kidding me?" "I had fun." "Good for you." "Can you watch the gang for 10 minutes while I clean up?" "Can't you?" "I just-- l got so much stuff to do here." "you got stuff to do?" "charades the dishes and then I gotta sew the duck's head back on for Sundance and fix his butthole." "champ." "I wish I had time to do all that stuff." "Michael." "You're a big boy." "You set your own priorities." "a whole day." "You don't have to do that much." "How big a deal is that?" "I am so tired of having this argument." "I skipped the whole fight." "Babe?" "l can't sleep." "You can't?" "I feel bad that we keep arguing." "okay?" "l was a jerk." "You are a jerk." "l love you." "l love you too." "Yes." "That smells good." "What?" "Michael." "Stop it." "The sleepover will catch us." "They ain't gonna hear us." "Come on." "Okay." "Quietly try and coax me into it." "I gotta get back to work." "Can't we just do it?" "come on." "I don't have any new moves for you. lt's the same stuff." "Just think of last time and use that." "I like the old moves." "Come on." "All right." "This time you be Sundance l'll be the duck." "Yeah?" "But you gotta massage me first." "I love giving massages." "Massaging away here." "yeah." "you did." "I didn't want the whole thing to go that fast." "I don't think anybody did." "Yeah. I'll get you next time." "Thanks." "So we good for tomorrow?" "What are you talking about?" "At dinner." "You said we'd go to lunch tomorrow and pick out your dad's birthday gift." "Dad's gift is-- so I'll be there." "Okay." "go away." "I gotta go work." "Morty. lt's Michael Newman." "can I talk to you for a minute?" "Hang on for a second someone's at my door." "Michael." "Where'd you come from?" "You don't wanna know." "Can we take a walk?" "Sure." "It's simple." "You must have been on autopilot." "Autopilot?" "That's what happens to you when you fast-forward." "Okay." "Yeah. I'll show you." "Here." "See?" "That's you on autopilot." "The lights are on but nobody's home." "The remote lets your mind skip around but your body actually stays put for the boring stuff." "We should go to lunch tomorrow and pick out your dad's birthday gift." "Sounds good." "So she did tell me." "then." "but yes." "Everyone goes on autopilot now and then." "The big difference is now you've got a nifty remote to help you decide when." "This thing is the best." "your wife?" "Absolutely gorgeous." "rocking body." "You okay?" "Amazing." "What is?" "She fell for a schlub like you." "I'm a schlub?" "pal. I see a good-looking man right there." "You wanna see what a stud I used to be?" "Yeah?" "let's take a look at some of the girls I used to fool around with before I met Donna." "is that a man or a woman?" "It's a woman." "What is this Animal Planet?" "Stop." "Yes." "Sometimes it's better to keep certain memories just in your head." "Morty." "Good night." "Thank you." "Michael." "man." "Fast-forward me till I'm better." "wake up." "You'll be late for work." "What?" "It's Monday already?" "Are you kidding me?" "No more phlegm?" "I skipped an entire cold?" "baby!" "I love you!" "No more Tylenol!" "I don't remember doing any work this weekend." "But apparently I did." "Bad news." "There's no hot water." "What?" "I gotta take a shower." "you're gonna freeze your bun-buns off." "It's all good." "Yes!" "Look at me." "All showered and dressed and looking sexy." "I like that. l" "Daddy?" "okay?" "baby." "sir?" "Are you gonna have to work late again tonight?" "yes." "ls there anything we can do to help?" "I'm gonna be partner soon and I'm gonna need new building designs." "So if you guys have any cool ideas draw them up for me." "Okay." "Rock 'n' roll." "l get the paper." "l got the crayons." "Would you stop talking and fix the sewer?" "yeah." "Yeah." "no more traffic." "Wait a sec!" "Here we go!" "Mama!" "baby!" "pal." "Let me fix that." "look at you now." "You're all yellow from the scurvy." "Captain." "Don't get the Hulk angry." "You won't like him when he's angry." "there's Barney." "you love me" "That jogger had giant boobies" "Okay." "Let's get you that tan you been searching for." "That's it." "That's it." "Check out Julio Iglesias..." "Pretty." "Judy." "Finish?" "Did I finish?" "I believe I finished." "Michael." "man." "Where did you find the time to get a tan?" "sir." "You can do it all." "everybody. I t's sexual-harassment-speech day." "anyone can be a victim of sexual harassment:" "a man." "Even the office slut." "Not that I'm mentioning any names Stacy." "Here we go." "Sexual harassment can come in many forms." "could be offensive to others." "Let me try to give you a real-life example because I'm sure I've done it." "break out the lotion."" "I was technically engaged in sexual harassment." "Hilarious sexual harassment if you ask me." "there is also homosexual harassment." "this is like when one dude comes up to another..." "...and says something cheeky." "This will be good." "Proceed." "I don't know about you Americans but to me there is no doubt lchiro is the greatest of all time." "he's incredible." "you can always count on Matsui." "Matsui." "let's order them both." "I'll eat anything." "Mr. Watsuhita." "See you guys in a bit." "Ichiro and Matsui are baseball players." "You just insulted their national heroes." "I'm going to the bathroom to slit my wrists." "I'll be here." "These morons are so boring." "They make me wanna chop my own dick off." "That hotel design?" "I'd like to rip it up." "Egghead watched a bad documentary on Asian architecture." "Who needs a stupid river in the lobby?" "Let's build more rooms and maximize profits." "Eat as fast as you can." "Then we can get out of here and do Jell-O shots at America's greatest cultural achievement:" "T.G.l. Friday's." "T.G.l. Friday's!" "baby." "I was looking at our proposal." "You know what?" "After getting to know you a little bit I realize this is not what you're about." "all right?" "Start from scratch." "The river in the lobby idea what an egghead move." "maximize our revenue." "That's what it's all about anyways the profits." "But do me a favor." "Just give us your account and your trust." "go to T.G.l. Friday's do some Jell-O shots till this guy pukes up a lung." "yeah." "That's what I'm talking about." "yes!" "hello!" "How can you goons sleep when you know I got you presents?" "You did?" "What is it?" "we'll find out." "I'm coming. I'm coming." "come on!" "Come and get them." "yeah." "lt must have cost a million dollars!" "That's chump change now." "You guys deserve the best... okay?" "What's all this?" "Look who's here." "You guys wanna ride these bikes?" "Yeah!" "Let's take them outside!" "Wake the O'Doyles let them see what you got." "These are the coolest bikes in the whole town." "Kevin O'Doyle's gonna shit himself." "my gosh." "I hope." "it's beautiful." "l heard you talking to my mother." "baby." "I got myself a celebratory cigar too." "Why not?" "What are we celebrating?" "we got a great family I'm Ammer's newest partner-- congratulations!" "I knew it!" "I knew you'd be psyched!" "I love it!" "I love you!" "I single-handedly landed the Watsuhita account." "That's incredible." "I knew it was gonna be a great day." "l heard our song on the radio." "We have a song?" "Honey." "The song that was playing during our first kiss." "right?" "I know our song." "Our song." "Of course I know our song." "Our song is...." "What the hell was that song?" "I remember this place." "my God." "Wolverine's goofy cousin." "aren't you?" "the notes." "buddy." "look at her." "What's gonna happen?" "You got an answer to that?" "pal." ""l am not kissing that beard." "that's gonna hurt me."" "Wait a minute." "Newman." "Get it." "Yeah." "Donna!" "my God." "I'm so horny now." "I'm not." "Get me out of here." ""Linger" by The Cranberries was playing during our first juicy kiss." "you looked beautiful in that pink sweater you were wearing." "you remember what I was wearing?" "Of course. I remember what Janine was wearing." "She scared the shit out of me then." "I love you." "honey." "Mr. Newman." "Michael." "big guy." "All right." "I am a little tired." "The family was up late last night celebrating." "didn't you?" "you were great too." "All you gotta do is draw up the construction plans." "If Watsuhita commits to the bulk of the funds I'm looking at my new partner." "I thought I was already your partner." "cowboy." ""Land the Watsuhita account you'll get promoted."" "sir." "I spent money I don't have." "To do these documents is gonna take me months." "Then you better get started." "I just got a big headache!" "Was I hit by a train or something?" "l didn't see anything." "I forgot to tell you. I hung out with your friend Janine this weekend." "you big-headed buffoon." "no." "You got more." "Yeah." "the sooner you get back to work the sooner you'll be partnerized." "l taste shit." "You do?" "Stacy!" "Did you put shit in my lunch?" "sir." "Stacy!" "Have you considered the consequences of the thing you're thinking about doing?" "I shouldn't do it?" "Michael." "we're talking a couple of months here." "I fast-forward through it what am I gonna miss?" "Thirty arguments and a haircut?" "Remember the leprechaun?" "The one from the cereal ad." ""They're magically delicious." That guy?" "He's always chasing the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow." "But when he gets there at the end of the day it's just corn flakes." "Michael." "Yes." "all right." "Dad?" "Yeah." "man." "Maybe they'll help you finish quicker." "All right." "You want me to look at it?" "Let me see." "The ceiling's too high the hallway's too narrow stairway placement makes no sense at all." "What the hell's this room made of?" "Pizza." "it's stupid." "Next." "What is yours made of?" "don't be a baby." "have you lost your mind?" "He's 7 years old." "If he wants a playroom made of pizza then why not?" "Maybe he's gotta grow up sometime and get the hell off Fantasy Island." "pizza boy." "Life ain't about being creative." "making your boss a lot of money in hopes one day he might throw you a stinking bone." "All right?" "sir." "did he?" "I'm so sorry." "okay?" "I promise." "that's all we ever do is get through it." "When is it gonna end?" "eh?" "steam shower and satellite TV with surround sound." "Why are you always trying to hurt me?" "One day I'm gonna hurt you back." "I didn't know you smoked cigars." "And now's the time." "this isn't mine." "he was smoking like a chimney." "I wasn't!" "I think I smell marijuana in it." "you get your ass in this house right now!" "I hate you." "Are you deaf?" "Move it!" "I don't wanna have to ask you again!" "buddy!" "Get your ass in this house!" "guys." "honey." "But Daddy gave them to us!" "Because he loves you." "there was a mix-up at Daddy's work." "We need to bring the bikes back for now." "But I already told Kevin O'Doyle I got a new bike." "we can paint my old bike and make it look new." "That's a girl's bike." "All the kids will make fun of me." "No!" "I wanna keep my bike!" "I can't take this anymore." "Fast-forward me to my promotion." "So here's to Michael Newman the greatest partner I could ever dream of." "hear!" "guys." "My family thanks you." "I promise." "Yeah!" "Mr. Newman." "This is great." "Thank you." "killer?" "you earned it. I'm telling you." "Not just because of that Watsuhita project either." "For helping me pick up the slack now I'm spending time with my lady." "Dinkie." "Are you kidding me?" "You guys have been dating a couple months now?" "That's pretty huge for this one." "the first few months were easy." "It was the one-year hump that was the tough part." "Her inappropriate weekend with my brother in Cabo... that was a potential speed bump." "honey?" "How's he doing for you and Donna?" "Dr. Bergman." "What do you mean?" "sweetie?" "It's none of our business." "Let's let Michael bask in his glory." "Cheers." "partner." "Took that bastard a year to promote me?" "What else did I miss?" "Mr. Newman?" "your assistant." "What happened to Alice?" "She moved to Accounting." "Couldn't handle your hours." "And she prefers to be called Alan now." "Remember?" "No." "No." "No!" "And who the hell's Dr. Bergman?" "And I feel like Michael's making no effort to connect with me at all." "no. I want to. I want to. lt's-- l'm on autopilot." ""l'm on autopilot." More like auto-zombie." "Donna." "relax." "Who is this bigmouth?" "Why can't you and I just talk?" "Why?" "Because there is no talking to you." "You're never home to talk to." "you're just sitting there staring off into space." "What do you want from me?" "This is what happens." "He's gonna answer his phone." "What the heck happened?" "I didn't even touch the remote." "you gonna start watching TV at dinner?" "can we?" "Samantha." "My little angel." "Look at you." "Look how long your hair's getting." "get over here." "Don't worry. I'm not gonna work tonight." "Watch Dragon Tales together." "What do you say?" "Dad. I wanna watch CSI." "CSI." "It's the episode when they find the lady's arm." "What happened?" "I missed the whole Dragon Tales era?" "hello." "What are you doing?" "Come here!" "Give me my Twinkie!" "you freaking gremlin!" "Don't yell at Peanut because he found your Twinkie stash." "Who's Peanut?" "Where's Sundance?" "Don't mention Sundance." "The kids just stopped crying." "About what?" "Why?" "What happened?" "He died?" "no." "The stupid idiot and soft fur." "Daddy held it in so long." "He was the best dog!" "He's finally letting himself feel it." "One night when the duck's head was off he tried to hump my leg and I didn't let him and I should've and I'm sorry." "it's okay." "What the heck did I do?" "I love you." "Do you still love me?" "Michael." "It's been...." "l'm really confused." "I promise." "okay?" "I'll be with you." "Just stay with me." "it didn't take the duck long to get over Sundance." "It's a little deviant but it's kind of turning me on." "let's kiss and make up." "No." "No!" "It's not my fault." "It jumped on its own. I didn't even hit the button." "Not even close." "Yes?" "what's going on down there?" "It's all right!" "l" " There was a mouse!" "I killed it!" "It's dead!" "But it broke the table first!" "How did you get in here?" "l had a feeling you wanted to see me." "it's broken." "It's just-- lt's fast-forwarding on its own now." "it's a feature." "It's using its memory to execute your preferences." "It remembers stuff?" "What do you mean?" "It's an advanced piece of equipment like TiVo." "You could call it MeVo." "I fast-forwarded through sex one time I don't wanna skip it forever." "I like sex. lt feels good." "but you fast-forwarded through an entire year." "That's a lot of sex." "that's like 30 minutes' worth for you." "everything I fast-forwarded..." "...it's gonna do it on its own now?" "Pretty much." "no more traffic." "No more arguing." "No more sickness." "this is bad." "You take it back I'm deactivating my service." "but l" "Yeah." "You...." "This is not...." "Don't be mean." "Nice hat." "no." "Get away from me." "Just get away." "Get away." "Leave me alone." "is this a stickup?" "Or are you just happy?" "then-- l wouldn't do that if I were you." "There's only one place left for it to pop up." "man." "this item is nonreturnable." "just take it." "Until we meet again." "Morty." "How do I get it to stop fast-forwarding?" "sweetie." "You wanna shower first?" "Yeah." "No!" "I can't shower because then I'll fast-forward." "who knows how long l'll fast-forward for." "like in the Old West." "Okay?" "I wanna tell you what's going on right now so bad but it might lead to an argument." "We can't argue because off I'll go." "So just know there is a problem." "it almost ended up in my ass." "I'm gonna go to work and try to figure this out." "You're going to work in your bathrobe?" "okay?" "No more arguing." "You're right. I'm wrong." "All the time." "You want a kiss?" "l'll take a kiss." "l can't. lf l give you a kiss... then...three minutes goes by." "You're laying there disappointed I'm smiling." "that's why I gotta leave now." "Have a great day!" "Michael left Donna in bed confused and unsatisfied." "James Earl Jones!" "big mouth!" "Michael!" "Mr. Ammer is here you come to work in a fricking bathrobe?" "I did. I did." "I just feel we should stop wasting our energy on corporate brown-nosing and worrying who's got the better suit." "who cares?" "the work." "That's the craziest thing I've ever heard." "you're right." "Life-changing. I feel freer." "Yeah" " Keep the pants on." "eh?" "Speaking of life-changing... I'd like to talk to you about." "Janine." "Everything okay?" "Janine and I decided to drop out of the rat race... move to Morocco." "Morocco?" "Morocco." "Okay." "Eric Lamensoff will assume my day-to-day responsibilities and I'd like you to take his job." "But Eric Lamensoff is the head of the whole international division." "l've been your partner one day." "So?" "Every account you worked on turned into gold." "I wouldn't be surprised if one day you ended up being our CEO." "but-- no!" "I don't want a promotion!" "No!" "you have a phone call." "Michael Newman." "big guy." "Ten years ago you told me you wanted to be CEO." "Great news." "Eric Lamensoff killed himself." "Mr. Chairman or you'll end up killing yourself too." "Opening virtual blinds." "Ten years?" "How much worse can things get?" "I'm a fat guy!" "Look at me." "What is this?" "This is titties." "I got juicy titties!" "What" " What is that?" "no." "Just take me home." "20 17." "Britney Spears had her 23rd baby today." "Proud father Kevin Federline says he's now considering getting a job." "the first man to clone himself is now suing himself for molesting himself." "Donna!" "Donna!" "Can I help you?" "Dad"?" "Ben?" "That's you?" "Look how big you got." "You're enormous." "Captain Twinkie of the S.S. Fat-Ass!" "Really good for my self-esteem." "Maybe if you would take me to Pilates like you said people wouldn't think I was Rosie O'Donnell!" "I love you!" "Bring me back the Twinkies!" "You're so cruel!" "Will you please stop yelling?" "It is so embarrassing." "I'm going to Derek's!" "Samantha?" "When did you get boobs?" "Dad." "Now can I go?" "whoa." "Who the hell's this Derek guy?" "hello?" "He's gonna be hot when I burn his house down." "Get your ass upstairs put normal clothes on." "Why are you so mean to me?" "Get them on now!" "And wipe off all that makeup!" "Right!" "is Peanut dead too?" "This one's got the duck doing all the work." "Donna." "Donna." "Goddamn it." "Look how gorgeous you look. I'm so scared." "sweetie." "What's going on?" "Donna and I were gonna get hot chocolate." "You want us to bring you one?" "You cheating on me?" "With Johnny G-String over here?" "Come on." "Time-out." "I thought we were past that." "no big deal." "it's just that you don't mess with another man's wife!" "Michael!" "It was your decision to move out!" "So stay out!" "Get off me!" "You sticking up for him?" "I hate you!" "please!" "l hate you!" "I hate you!" "man!" "You hate me?" "No." "No." "you're not finished yet?" "Morty!" "Why did you do this to me?" "Michael." "I didn't wanna waste all that time." "I didn't wanna lose Donna!" "The remote goes by your behavior." "work won." "not true." "Lie to your wife." "Lie to yourself." "But you cannot lie to the remote." "so you can't change what already happened." "But you're still a young man." "fat man." "You could win Donna back." "So that's what I'll do." "tubs." "I saw what you did to the duck." "Very good." "Nice work." "You'll feel that in a second." "please just read my note." "hate you!" "I hate you!" "I hate you!" "are you awake?" "honey." "Are you awake?" "Donna." "Where'd all my fat go?" "It was just a dream?" "A terrible terrible dream." "Michael?" "You had a bad dream?" "Did a fuzzy dog push me over?" "Shaggy the miracle dog?" "if he hadn't knocked you on your noggin you wouldn't have had the CAT scan that found the cancer before it spread." "I have cancer?" "you had cancer." "You're the only person to gain weight during chemo." "That's probably what caused your heart attack." "Heart attack?" "I thought they weaned you off the morphine." "Mr. Junk Food... you haven't been healthy a full day." "When exactly did I hurt my head?" "six years ago?" "Six more years!" "No!" "No!" "It skipped all my sickness." "I'm gonna ask them to cut back on painkillers." "don't go." "What's this?" "That's not bad for your third liposuction." "One more tummy tuck should take care of it." "it looks like a tongue licking." "I should go." "Bill's waiting for me downstairs." "So I'll probably" "Bill?" "You're still with Speedo Torpedo?" "" honey?" ""Forever and ever"?" "I'm trying to have a civilized relationship with you for the kids' sake." "I really wanna be friends but I can't do that if you" "Would you stop flapping that thing?" "I'll do whatever the hell I want with it!" "You done?" "Bill's my husband." "Please learn to accept that." "I really have to go." "Husband?" "Donna?" "No." "Donna." "Donna." "Donna!" "Welcome to Newman Architecture." "Building a better world for all of us." "20 18." "moron?" "how you feeling?" "Benjamin." "Look at that." "Look-- What?" "kid?" "Your entire ass is gone." "What happened?" "Good for you." "my ass." "Why don't we talk about it in my office." "My old office." "The architect." "How did this happen?" "no. I'm feeling terrific." "The weight." "How did you do it?" "Staple treatment like your old man?" "Wanna have a flap fight?" "You gotta see this" "No." "Just working out with Bill five times a week." "Same as always." "big lips." "Chesty." "is that your girl?" "that's your daughter Samantha." "Of course it is." "And you better always take care of her and make sure nobody touches her except you." "I'm just getting ready for this meeting." "Okay." "Absolutely. I'll take off for you." "I'd like to spend more time together." "All of us." "Take you out for ice cream." "How's that?" "I know your mother won't come..." "Grandma." "huh?" "I knew something was funny with you today." "okay?" "What are we sitting for?" "drink this." "All right." "Drink some water." "I had my water." "What's going on?" "Dad." "He died a while back now." "no." "Don't say that." "Where was I?" "You're crying?" "What happened?" "he just got old." "That's life." "Shit." "You're born and you live and you die." "I gotta go." "push my next meeting." "do your meeting. lt's fine. I'm just dizzy." "Why are you crying?" "l'm dizzy from the operation." "Dad." "You don't" " You don't have to go." "You look" " You look good." "It's all right." "Goodbye." "Come on." "Come on." "It won't take you there." "Take me where?" "To the moment he died." "You weren't there." "Of course I wasn't." "please?" "Dad." "Sorry to bug you." "Would you mind looking at my shopping mall design again?" "This one is cheaper." "But if you check this out you'll see it has a much better natural flow-- just let me do my e-mail." "Dad." "He ain't right." "You're a schmuck!" "Look at it!" "Surprise." "Grandpa." "my God." "When did you get so handsome?" "I had a wonderful idea." "Your mother's playing canasta with her friends tonight." ""What a great opportunity."" "me and Ben should go and have a boys' night out." "Can't." "What do you mean you can't?" "You have to eat sometime." "we could whistle at pretty girls." "l'm down for that." "See?" "He's down." "but he's down." "Hey." "Please." "Don't give me that finger." "I'll make you a deal." "If you come I'll show you the quarter trick." "Will you look at the man?" "l'll tell you the secret." "Dad." "Don't you wanna know how l--?" "I know how you do the stupid trick." "I've always known." "Can you let me do my work?" "You've always known." "You're pathetic." "Okay." "I'm so sorry I barged in." "son." "I love you." "Dad." "Pop." "Pop." "son." "son." "son." "Dad." "I'll miss you." "You know that." "Goodbye." "I'm sorry about your father." "Taking him wasn't something I wanted to do." "What do you mean "taking him"?" "Michael." "An angel?" "I thought an angel was supposed to protect people." "I'm the angel of death." "it was his time." "You bastard." "leave me alone." "Leave me alone." "You had your fun." "Just take me to a good place." "it's time for Mr. Newman to say a few words." "Michael!" "Michael!" "Speech!" "Wedding cake." "Wedding cake." "where's the groom?" "S how your face." "Dad." "Ben. I didn't miss my son's wedding." "buddy." "Who's the lucky lady?" "Mr. Newman." "is that you?" "you got old." "no. l" " She-- l'm just playing." "She knows that." "Ma." "Ben's wife welcome to the family." "Thank you." "okay?" "Ma." "You look amazing." "you haven't kissed me like that since you were a little boy." "right?" "that's so sweet." "Michael your father would've loved to be here." "Ma." "Okay?" "I'm just glad you're here." "bubbala." "Me too." "Me too. lt's beautiful." "Beautiful." "Beautiful." "Look at her." "my favorite." "You're such a schmuck for letting her go." "But don't let me ruin your evening." "I'll talk to you later." "Christina." "you've been so generous taking care of all this and the kids' honeymoon." "Absolutely." "Thank you so much." "huh?" "l think she's wonderful." "Definite keeper." "Here's one you might remember from The Cranberries." "huh?" "since it's our son's wedding do you mind if I dance with my ex-husband for a minute?" "Not at all." "Thank you." "champ?" "Bill." "Why does he have a bathing suit on?" "buddy." "huh?" "After all these years." "Are you happy?" "Of course I'm happy our son just got married." "Not about that." "Are you happy about where our lives ended up?" ""Ended." lt's not over yet." "That's my Donna. -lt's true." "That Samantha?" "Hey." "What are you doing?" "Put a sweater on." "Cover them up." "What is with you?" "I...." "Just not used to seeing you all grown-up like this." "then thank you." "Let's go get some cake." "Dad." "Come on." "Okay." ""Dad"?" "are you okay?" "is there a doctor?" "We need a doctor here!" "Michael!" "Dad!" "Dad!" "It's just corn flakes." "you pop an artery." "Why'd you make me waste my entire life?" "You were fast-forwarding through your life long before you ever met me." "big shot." "This is not the life I wanted." "It is." "Looks like it is." "Hey." "You're up." "How you feeling?" "I feel better now that you guys are here." "Samantha's been here like 36 hours straight." "She said she wouldn't leave the hospital until you woke up." "Why'd you do that?" "Because." "You're my father." "I thought Bill was your father." "I have two fathers." "One of them told me he was gonna live till he was 200." "Remember?" "You both really need to get some sleep." "And I got a plane to catch." "Big Ben's gotta go on his honeymoon." "I just canceled the honeymoon." "so I gotta go do damage control." "Julie and I can go to Italy anytime." "No." "It's not that big a deal." "That's not fair to your wife." "Dad she gets it." "Keeping the business going is more important." "I'm sorry." "You're gonna have to leave." "He needs his rest." "Dad." "Daddy." "Get this off of me." "whoa!" "you're a long way from walking out of here." "I gotta see my son." "get back into the bed." "lsn't that Colin Farrell?" "Where?" "Michael." "Those machines are keeping you alive." "I gotta talk to my boy." "stop." "No." "it doesn't have to end now." "Ben!" "Ben!" "Ben!" "Ben!" "Dad?" "Dad?" "what are you doing?" "Are you okay?" "my God." "Help!" "Help!" "Dad!" "Dad!" "Help!" "Ben." "Family." "Family." "Family." "What?" "Family." "Family." "Family comes first." "Family comes first." "Honeymoon." "Honeymoon." "Honeymoon. I love you." "Samantha." "Samantha." "but I love you." "I love you." "Bill." "I'm sorry." "Michael." "it's in your pocket." "babe." "It's time to go." "sir." "I was just watching you sleep." "You looked like you were having a crazy dream." "What?" "You're not supposed to lay in the beds but I do sometimes." "I'm back in the store?" "I'm young again." "I'm young again." "you're not "young" young." "I'm young." "You're kind of on the back nine." "baby." "Look at you." "baby." "I'll be your friend. I'll be your-- my God!" "my crappy car!" "middle-class piece of shit!" "I love you!" "Pop." "Pop." "There he is." "There he is." "What's wrong?" "What happened?" "Nothing's wrong." "Ma." "I just wanted to tell you I love you." "l love you. -l love you so much." "it's driving me crazy." "A magician never reveals his secrets." "if you invite us over for dinner more-- and the night after that." "Any time you want." "I have the heart attacks." "Thank you so much for giving birth to me I know it hurt." "Okay?" "please stay off the bong pipe." "I can't promise you that." "Okay. I'm up." "What do you think?" "If you massage me first." "let's go to sleep." "wake up!" "There's a crazy noise downstairs." "What the heck is going on?" "do you mind?" "I am trying to concentrate." "staying up all night trying to come up with activities for our Fourth of July camping trip but you won't let me think!" "You want time to think?" "Why don't you think about the fact that you just wo" "What did you just say?" "you heard me. lf you keep up this weird attitude I won't be able to work for a year and have to plan 10 more vacations." "That make you happy?" "Did you eat a bad Yodel?" "Give me those big lips." "What's going on down here?" "Ben." "Ben!" "my God." "boy." "I'm gonna finish the tree house." "We're gonna sleep in it next weekend." "we're gonna exercise and I'm not gonna wear a Speedo." "All right!" "All right." "And you." "Nice jump!" "I love you." "you are gonna be the hottest chick alive." "But you still gotta have brains." "So tomorrow I'm gonna teach you calculus." "You know calculus?" "I knew you'd call me on that." "Your mom will teach you." "because tomorrow we're going camping!" "I know!" "It's gonna be the best!" "Daddy." "and Sundance!" "Doggie years go by very quick so it's time to enjoy the real thing." "baby." "What are you doing?" "What are you doing?" "not the duck." "They told me at the pet store it was a female." "I guess." "You staying downstairs tonight?" "Why?" "That's getting you going?" "It's Fourth of July I'm gonna celebrate with my wife." "massage her make sure she is fully satisfied." "it's only the second." "honey." "Think I like this holiday." "Yeah?" "I'm gonna go change into my Pocahontas costume." "l'll see you upstairs." "l'll bring the duck." "I gotta call my dad and tell him to get the old tent ready." "'Good guys need a break.' l know you'll do the right thing this time." "Morty." "P.S.:" "Your wife's rocking body still drives me crazy."" "Morty." "who wants to have a pillow fight?"