"No, coordinate with Rome, then get me the lastest intel, then tell Rodney they need travel docuents an hour ago." "Then bring me the file I asked for!" "Yeah, why don't I shove a broom up my ass and sweep the floor while I'm at it?" " What was that?" " Nothing." "Good." "Saved you the embarrassment of an incredible homophobic remark." " Ow!" " Sorry!" "What's going on?" " Where?" " Uh, this new place called here?" "Nothing." "Malory!" "Good luck!" "She just had an electro" "Electro-magnetic lock installed!" "Are you serious?" "LANA:" "Malory!" "MALORY:" "Because I'm seriously asking, did Krieger give you robot hands?" "KRIEGER:" "Not yet!" "But you just say the word." "LANA:" "The - [zzrrrzz]" "LANA:" "Out." "MALORY:" "Can't have anything nice..." "Krieger!" "KRIEGER:" "Jazz hands!" "MALORY:" "Should've never taken him to see "The Wiz."" "LANA:" "The Broadway show or the movie?" "KRIEGER:" "Jazz hands!" "MALORY:" "Both." "KRIEGER:" "Jazz hands!" "LANA:" "I -- whatever, look, obviously there's- MALORY:" "Nothing!" "Is going on," "Lana!" "If there were, I would tell you, but- [dooot]" "CHERYL/CAROL:" "Uh, there's a Cardinal Corelli on line one for you?" "Something about a radical faction of the Swiss" "Guard assassinating the pope tomorrow night?" "LANA:" "You need to get that?" "4x11 The Papal Chase" "LANA:" "Do you." "Need to get that." "MALORY:" "No, I'm sure whoever it is- [dooot]" "CHERYL/CAROL (O.S.):" "It's the Vatican!" "Line one!" "Jesus!" "CHERYL/CAROL: (gasp) Shit, I hope he didn't hear that." "(gasp) Or that, shit!" "MALORY:" "Just put him through, you idiot!" "CHERYL/CAROL (O.S.):" "Okay," "Jesus!" "[gasp] Shit..." "MALORY:" "Uhhhhh." "Ah ha ha, Giancarlo!" "Como stai?" "CORELLI:" "Molto meglio, cara mia, now that I see your eyes, your lips, your..." "MALORY:" "Giancarlo!" "Siete senza vergogna." "CORELLI:" "And you, are the only woman who ever made me regret taking the holy orders." "MALORY:" "And you are the only man who ever made me" "RON CADILLAC:" "Come oonnn!" "I'm right here, ya know!" "MALORY:" "Why?" "!" "RON CADILLAC:" "Gettin new carpet in my office." "Which, speaking of..." "MALORY:" "Ron?" "!" "CORELLI:" "Malory, you have married?" "MALORY:" "Ehh..." "CORELLI:" "You are a fortunate man, signore." "RON CADILLAC:" "Ah, blow it out yer cassock." "MALORY:" "Ron!" "CORELLI:" "Malory." "We don't have much time." "Your agents of ISIS, they are ready?" "LANA:" "Or they are confused verging on angry?" "MALORY:" "Lana, it's an undercover mission." "At the Vatican?" "LANA:" "What, they don't have black nuns?" "Although granted" "I've never seen one." "But that's not like, a rule, is it?" "CORELLI:" "Ehh..." "LANA:" "Well since you're not sending me, and I assume you're not sending Ray..." "MALORY:" "To the Vatican?" "You think all those Catholic priests wouldn't peg him- [cough, cough] as American?" "With that hillbilly accent?" "CORELLI:" "Malory, I must go now." "Please hurry!" "LANA:" "So not Ray, and not me, which leaves..." "[Gregorian chant]" "LANA: [sigh]" "ARCHER:" "In nomine Patris, et Filii, et Spiritus Sancti, et cetera, et " "LANA:" "You can't." "No one is gonna believe Archer is a priest." "ARCHER:" "For your infor- I'm in!" "Turn it off!" "CHERYL/CAROL (O.S.):" "Okay!" "Jesus!" "[gasp] Shit." "ARCHER:" "For your information, Lana, I have totally prepared for this mission." "LANA:" "Well there's a firs- ARCHER:" "First thing I did was watch every episode of "Lucy, Daughter of the Devil." Which by the way, was grossly- LANA:" "Inadequate preparation, for an undercover mission protecting the pope from an assassination attempt!" "ARCHER:" "I was gonna say "underrated," but " "LANA:" "But even if you were prepared- ARCHER:" "Which I truly feel that I am." "LANA: -- but which you're not, who's your backup if Ray's not going?" "Cyril?" "ARCHER:" "No..." "MALORY:" "No, it turns out Cyril" "CYRIL:" "Aaagh!" "How bout a little warning?" "!" "MALORY:" "Has a thing." "About church stuff." "LANA:" "Since when?" "CYRIL:" "Since none of your beeswax, and- ARCHER:" "Bwoohahaahaaa!" "CYRIL:" "Aaagh!" "LANA:" "Well..." "CYRIL:" "And I think I need a spanking, because I have been a very naughty baaaaagh!" "LANA:" "Guess that explains that." "But it doesn't explain how Archer's gonna run this mission by himself." "MALORY:" "Well, if you were "confused verging on angry"" "before..." "CYRIL (O.S.):" "Aaagh!" "PAM (O.S.):" "What?" "!" "PAM:" "Jesus Christ..." "Shit." "God damn it." "MALORY:" "Pam!" "PAM:" "What." "LANA:" "Pam?" "!" "PAM:" "What?" "!" "ARCHER:" "Paaaam!" "PAM:" "Whaaat?" "!" "ARCHER:" "I dunno, what're we doing?" "LANA:" "Esatto!" "Che cosa stiamo facendo?" "!" "PAM:" "Aww man, we have to learn Latin?" "ARCHER:" "Ew yeah, that's a dealbreaker." "LANA:" "You were speaking Latin when you walked in here " "ARCHER:" "Mmmmno..." "LANA: -- whereas I was just speaking Italian, which neither of you speak nor even understand, obviously, so " "ARCHER:" "So?" "!" "Lana, the assassination plot is being hatched by the Swiss Guard?" "LANA:" "So...?" "ARCHER:" "So it's an eight-hour flight, so we get some tapes and brush up on our- LANA:" "Swiss?" "ARCHER:" "Duh?" "LANA:" "Well, since Swiss isn't a language, maybe you should get some tapes on German, French, Italian and Romansh." "ARCHER:" "Maybe I will." "MALORY:" "Alright." "Lana pack a bag, you're- ARCHER:" "No!" "Mother come on, we don't need- MALORY:" "Lana!" "Is going!" "LANA:" "Ha!" "MALORY:" "And Pam, if you keep your eyes open and your big mouth shut, you just might learn something from her." "PAM:" "Ha!" "ARCHER:" "Why are you going ha?" "!" "PAM:" "I dunno, what're we doing?" "LANA:" "I'll tell you what we should be doing." "So, who does the pope remind you of?" "MALORY:" "Ha!" "ARCHER:" "What." "LANA:" "Haaa!" "ARCHER:" "Shut up!" "And you also shut up." "WOODHOUSE:" "Yessir." "PAM:" "Haaa!" "ARCHER:" "Why are you still going ha?" "!" "PAM:" "Pink Panther's on." "Father Guido Sardoochbag?" "ARCHER (O.S.):" "Oh really?" "ARCHER:" "Because she didn't specify an agent in-command," "Lana, so I would argue- LANA (O.S.):" "With a fence post." "ARCHER:" "I wouldn't argue with a -- oof!" "Move, idiot!" "PAM:" "I'm goin as fast as I can!" "ARCHER:" "Not you, the- PAM:" "The fence post?" "LANA (O.S.):" "Ha!" "ARCHER:" "It was a bollard!" "And my point was- LANA:" "Fine!" "You're agent-in- command!" "Now shut up, brief Corelli, and get the access code to the pope's apartment!" "[doot]" "ARCHER:" "I... will, because I command me to." "LANA:" "And you should eat, this could be a long night, and you're... so teeny." "WOODHOUSE:" "Hm?" "LANA:" "Seriously, eat, you're like a slow loris." "WOODHOUSE:" "Oh, no, bit off my feed, I'm afraid." "LANA:" "Woodhouse, you need to- Oh c'mon, you need to fix?" "WOODHOUSE: [whimper]" "LANA:" "Well, is there some amount you can shoot up to get right for the mission, without gettin all... trainspotty?" "WOODHOUSE:" "Back in a tick!" "LANA:" "Oh for the -- and thanks for making me carry your bag through customs!" "WOODHOUSE (O.S.):" "No, thank you!" "ARCHER (O.S.):" "Grazie." "Grazie mille, vostra..." "majesty-o?" "CORELLI:" "Your Italian is, how you say, shit?" "ARCHER:" "Then you are not gonna like my Romansh." "CORELLI:" "Mio dio!" "You think this is funny?" "!" "ARCHER:" "I thought that was." "CORELLI:" "Assassins plan to kill the Holy Father in his own bed, on this very night, ma tu stai qui con la testa nel culo!" "PAM:" "Whoa whoa, take it down a notch, St. Louis!" "His head is not up his ass!" "ARCHER:" "How'd you know what he said?" "PAM:" "It was an eight-hour flight." "ARCHER:" "Wow, did you learn Romansh?" "PAM:" "Who am I, Cypher?" "The gayest X-man?" "ARCHER:" "I dunno, Gambit looks like he knows his way around a pair of " "CORELLI:" "Basta!" "Here is the access card to the Holy" "Father's private apartment." "I assume you have a plan once inside?" "PAM:" "We call it the old switcheroo." "ARCHER:" "We absolutely do not call it the old switcheroo." "CORELLI:" "Mio dio!" "LESSER CARDINALS: [gasp]" "ARCHER:" "I know, right?" "Trope alert!" "CORELLI:" "Che?" "PAM:" "Eh... non si traduce bene." "LANA:" "Feeling better?" "WOODHOUSE:" "Sound as a pound, my dear." "Where the hell are we?" "LANA:" "Uh, this new place called Italy?" "WOODHOUSE:" "How'd I get all the way downtown?" "LANA:" "Wh-?" "Not Little Italy!" "Italy, Italy!" "WOODHOUSE:" "Bloody hell." "What are we doing here?" "LANA:" "Thwarting an assassination attempt on the pope." "Using you as a decoy." "WOODHOUSE:" "Back in a tick!" "LANA:" "With Ken and your weekend weather." "And you may need an umbrella because it's going to be raining." "Dead ass popes." "PAM (O.S.):" "Aw crap, he's already dead." "ARCHER:" "No he's not, he's just old." "That's how Woodhouse looks when he's asleep." "PAM:" "I'm gonna get a mirror." "ARCHER:" "Right until he wakes and sees me staring at him with night-vision goggles and literally pisses himself." "Hey, does Woodhouse seem unhappy to you, or -- what the hell're you doing?" "!" "PAM:" "Gonna see if his breath fogs it up." "ARCHER:" "Put the stupid mirror back, he's not- PAM: [gasp]" "ARCHER:" "Dead." "Nice job, Oliver Cromwell." "PAM:" "I killed the pope!" "ARCHER:" "Yeah, that's why I said Oliver Crom- PAM:" "Jesus Christ I'm going to hell I'm going to hell I'm going to hell I'm- [THWAK!" "THWAK!" "THWAK!" "]" "ARCHER:" "Pam." "PAM:" "Yes?" "ARCHER:" "Get off the pope." "ARCHER:" "Heeey, Your Holiness..." "PAM:" "Is he dead?" "!" "ARCHER:" "I dunno, shut up, I'm- PAM:" "Should I get another mirror?" "But like, a much much smaller one?" "LANA (O.S.):" "No, you're half heroin already!" "[clunk]" "LANA:" "Okay, here's Junkie Brewster, let's..." "Where's the pope?" "ARCHER:" "Soo, Here's the thing." "PAM:" "Promise you won't get mad?" "LANA:" "I -- actually do not promise I won't get mad, because here's what thing?" "ARCHER:" "Um..." "LANA:" "What, why is there a giant mirror on the oh my God you crushed the pope?" "!" "LANA:" "Don't just stand there idiots, help me get it off and Pam!" "Woodhouse!" "PAM:" "Huh?" "Oh!" "WOODHOUSE (O.S.):" "Oof!" "WOODHOUSE (O.S.):" "Ow!" "PAM:" "Ow!" "What the -- is that a needle?" "!" "ARCHER: [chuckles]" "LANA:" "Rrrrrgh!" "POPE: [gasping]" "LANA:" "Oh thank God!" "POPE:" "Chi siete voi, dove sono le guardie?" "!" "LANA:" "We're " " Your Holiness, do you speak English?" "POPE:" "Yes, of course, but- ARCHER:" "Ha!" "Way to waste your time learning Italian, Pam!" "PAM:" "Aw, stai zitto, testa di cazzo." "And could you...?" "WOODHOUSE:" "Sorry." "POPE:" "Dio mio!" "He look just like me!" "LANA:" "Yes, Your Holiness, he's a decoy." "We have reason to believe a faction of the Swiss Guard will make an attempt on your life tonight, so- ARCHER:" "So if you don't mind hopping out of those pope-jamas..." "LANA:" "Archer?" "We'll hide you, put him in your place, wait for them to come in " "POPE:" "And then what?" "!" "You are only two!" "ARCHER:" "Well three, so- PAM:" "Better make that two." "Think I mighta grabbed the tail of the dragon here..." "WOODHOUSE:" "Ooh, then you're in for a treat!" "ARCHER:" "Shut up!" "And with all due respect Your Holiness, it's the Swiss Guard..." "I think we can handle a few court jesters with, whatever, halberds." "LANA:" "Which, you realize are just ceremonial." "ARCHER:" "Obviously they're ceremonial, they were made obsolete by the arquebus." "LANA:" "Which is why now they use MP-5's." "ARCHER:" "Oh." "LANA:" "Which is why where's the gear bag with all of our automatic weapons?" "!" "ARCHER:" "Well I assume in the hotel room, but- LANA:" "God " "ARCHER:" "I thought they just had halberds!" "LANA:" "Do you at least have a sidearm?" "!" "ARCHER:" "It was ruining the lines of my cassock." "LANA:" "Dammit!" "ARCHER:" "And again, I honestly thought they just had- [rattle rattle]" "ARCHER: -- halberds." "Although technically I think they're called voulges." "SWISS GUARD (O.S.):" "Santo Padre!" "La porta, per favore!" "PAM:" "I got him, just toss him down!" "LANA:" "I'm not tossing the frickin pope!" "ARCHER:" "Somehow this is all your fault." "POPE:" "Che?" "ARCHER:" "Oh for the-- this is the pope!" "LANA:" "Oh, then WOODHOUSE (O.S.) [yelp]" "WOODHOUSE (O.S.):" "Oof!" "PAM:" "Ow!" "Oh for shit's sake, already!" "ARCHER: [chuckles]" "LANA:" "Archer shut up and find us some- [krunch!" "]" "SWISS GUARD:" "Sparale!" "[BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRPT!" "]" "LANA:" "Oof!" "Transport!" "Are you shitting me?" "!" "ARCHER:" "Well it was this or the Vespas!" "It's not my fault" "Italy's so gay." "Which, by the way, Pope, on the gay thing..." "POPE:" "La Sacra Bibbia says it is a mortal sin." "But get me out of here alive and I will pardon you for it, my son." "ARCHER:" "Wh-?" "No, I - PAM:" "Haaaa!" "CHERYL/CAROL (O.S.):" "So why are you scared of church stuff?" "Did the unspeakable happen?" "To your slender, hairless, adolescent body?" "CYRIL:" "Wh-?" "No!" "CHERYL/CAROL:" "Aww..." "CYRIL:" "Eww!" "CHERYL/CAROL:" "Right?" "!" "CYRIL:" "First of all, I'm not" " I'm not scared of priests or nuns or " "CHERYL/CAROL:" "Bishops?" "CYRIL:" "No, I just -- CHERYL/CAROL:" "Bishop the android from Aliens?" "CYRIL:" "No!" "I told Ms. Archer that because I didn't wanna go on another mission with the world's worst colleague." "CHERYL/CAROL:" "Bishop the android from Aliens?" "CYRIL:" "Archer!" "You think he's a dick here?" "On a mission he's ten times worse." "CHERYL/CAROL:" "That's impossible." "ARCHER (O.S.) Oh really?" "!" "PAM:" "Yes, really!" "A, I was a race car driver!" "And B- LANA:" "Archer." "ARCHER:" "Your Holiness, a little help?" "!" "PAM:" "The pope could drive better than you!" "POPE:" "No no, io non guido." "PAM:" "Ugh, esatto?" "POPE: (chuckling) Oh, capito..." "ARCHER:" "Why're you taking her side?" "!" "She's Lutheran!" "POPE:" "Eh, Luther had some valid complaints." "LANA:" "Drive the ffffffffrickin car!" "ARCHER:" "Okay, Lana!" "What is your problem?" "LANA:" "Well there's you..." "and also that." "ARCHER:" "Why aren't they on horseback?" "!" "LANA:" "Because why would they be?" "!" "ARCHER:" "Right, halberdsmen are foot-soldiers." "POPE:" "Mi scusi, the bigger question is, if they really are the Swiss Guards..." "PAM:" "Why are they wearing Swiss Guard uniforms, driving a Swiss Guard car?" "!" "POPE:" "Esatto." "LANA:" "Holy sh -- it's a false flag operation!" "To make it look like the Swiss Guard!" "POPE:" "Who told you I was to be assassinated?" "ARCHER:" "Cardinal Corelli!" "He- LANA:" "He wouldn't, by any chance, be next in line for the papacy, would he?" "POPE:" "Well, there would be an election " "ARCHER:" "Right, with the smudge-pot..." "POPE: -- but Corelli would be sure to win." "LANA:" "Pretty good motive." "PAM: (laughing) Yeah, you must make a shitlo- [brrrrrrrrpt!" "]" "EVERYBODY:" "Ahhhhhhhh!" "[skreeech]" "LANA:" "Go!" "What're you doing?" "!" "ARCHER:" "I'm letting them catch up!" "EVERYBODY:" "Why?" "!" "ARCHER:" "Can I finish?" "!" "He asked, agent-incommandingly!" "Take the wheel and maintain speed!" "Woodhouse, lighter!" "WOODHOUSE:" "I'm only ninety pounds wet, sir!" "ARCHER:" "What?" "No you idiot, your spoon-cooker!" "WOODHOUSE:" "Oh right." "ARCHER:" "Like pulling teeth with you people." "Lana!" "Head toward Swiss Guard HQ!" "LANA:" "What, while you request Freebird?" "!" "ARCHER:" "Ha, ha." "Ha, ha, ha." "Ahh." "[brrrrrrrpt]" "Actually that was pretty good, for you at least, but no, while I do..." "Shit, I had a pun about flares." "LANA:" "Fake dynamite?" "!" "PAM:" "That's your plan?" "!" "So hey, can I squeeze in a confession?" "POPE: (chuckling) Oho, ora dov'è il tuo Martin Luther?" "PAM:" "Fine, I'll buy a damn indulgence!" "Oh wait..." "ARCHER:" "Wait until they're right beside us, then swerve into em!" "LANA:" "What, so you're crushed between the- ARCHER:" "Woohoohoohoooooooooo!" "LANA:" "Shoulda seen that comin..." "ARCHER:" "Hey, I can see St. Peter's from" "LANA:" "Archer look ooouuut!" "ARCHER:" "Goddammit, quit telling me what to do!" "I'm the goddamn agent-in-command!" "POPE:" "Figo, he really drops the G.D. bombs..." "PAM:" "Plus he's a whoremonger." "LANA:" "Cough." "PAM:" "Oh please, who hasn't paid for it?" "!" "Still talking about indulgences." "ARCHER (O.S.):" "Lana now!" "LANA:" "He said, last wordsingly." "Hang on!" "EVERYBODY:" "Ahhhh, oh!" "DRIVER:" "Sparale!" "Sparale!" "[BRRRRRRRRRPT!" "]" "ARCHER:" "What the-?" "!" "Pam, what'd he say?" "!" "PAM:" "What do you think he said, dicknuts?" "!" "Pay attention to the frickin context!" "ARCHER:" "Well sorry I don't have your language-nerd skills!" "Hang on..." "Pambit!" "PAM (O.S.):" "Wrong X-Man, dumbass!" "ARCHER:" "Still though..." "[BRRRRRRRRRRRRPT!" "]" "DRIVER:" "Non lui!" "Il papa!" "Spar'al papa!" "SWISS GUARD:" "Ohhhh..." "LANA:" "Ohhh, shit!" "Pam!" "WOODHOUSE/POPE:" "Ungh!" "Ungh!" "[BRRRRRRRRRRRRPT!" "]" "LANA/PAM:" "Unghh!" "ARCHER:" "Lanaaaa!" "LANA:" "Rrrgh." "I'm fine!" "PAM:" "Yeah me too, asshole!" "ARCHER (O.S.):" "Oh good." "LANA:" "Is the pope hit?" "!" "PAM:" "Uhh... no, he's, they're both good." "DRIVER:" "Recarica!" "Spara di nuovo!" "ARCHER:" "Really wish I hadn't focused so heavily on the Romansh..." "ARCHER [snoring]" "WOMAN'S VOICE:" "Lesson one." "Leshau untg." "PAM:" "Context!" "They're reloading!" "ARCHER:" "Ohhh..." "That's what you mean by context?" "DRIVER (O.S.):" "Spara!" "LANA:" "What else could she possibly mean?" "!" "ARCHER:" "Who am I, William Safire?" "!" "Oh and speaking of... in the hole!" "[SHUMP]" "LANA:" "What?" "ARCHER:" "Safire in the hole, Lana, it's a- [KABROOOOOM!" "]" "EVERYBODY:" "Waaaagh!" "ARCHER:" "Lana look oooooouuuu- [KROOOM!" "]" "[CAR ALARMS blaring]" "ARCHER:" "Ow." "COMMANDER:" "So." "The good news is, my men have apprehended Cardinal Corelli, who immediately confessed to the plot." "PAM:" "Hey heyyy, that is good news!" "LANA:" "You know how the whole "the good news is" thing works, right?" "COMMANDER:" "The bad news is- PAM:" "Oh right." "COMMANDER: -- the men you killed were Camorra." "PAM:" "What're they, like the mafia?" "COMMANDER: (chuckle) The Camorra is like your mafia like..." "LANA:" "Seal Team Six is like the Girl Scouts." "COMMANDER:" "Exactly." "PAM:" "So... equally sexy?" "LANA:" "Eww!" "PAM:" "Oww!" "ARCHER (O.S.):" "Oww!" "ARCHER:" "But the real good news, ow!" "Dick!" "Is that we saved the pope's life." "COMMANDER:" "For which we are grateful." "However..." "We cannot tell these two apart, so..." "ARCHER:" "So I actually have an idea about that." "LANA:" "Is it take them both home, see which one's a better butler, and give the other one back to the Catholic Church?" "ARCHER:" "Never mind." "LANA:" "Then why don't we leave them both here until they come to." "I'm sure Woodhouse never gets a vacation." "ARCHER:" "Are you kidding?" "I didn't even let him go to his brother's funeral." "PAM:" "What?" "!" "LANA:" "Oh my -- you asshole!" "Was he crushed?" "!" "ARCHER:" "Probably woulda been." "If I'd told him about it." "LANA:" "Ugh." "But wait, why did Corelli hire ISIS to prevent the assassination?" "COMMANDER:" "To show the cardinals he was trying to prevent it, all the while assuming- LANA:" "What, that we'd totally bl-ow my God he assumed we'd totally blow it?" "!" "COMMANDER:" "Well..." "ISIS has a certain reputation." "ARCHER:" "Hey, whoa!" "Not cool, Payne Stewart!" "LANA:" "Oh, my God, if Malory ever hears about this " "ARCHER:" "Which she won't!" "Because Pam?" "!" "PAM:" "What?" "ARCHER:" "Promise you'll never tell Mother!" "PAM:" "Okay, I promise!" "Swear to God!" "MALORY (O.S.):" "What?" "!" "ARCHER/LANA (O.S.):" "Pam!" "Pam!" "PAM (O.S.):" "Haaaaa!" "?"