"Oh, my God." "Oh, my God." "Oh, my God." "Really?" "No one's even gonna say, "what?"" "Pam Staggs just Facebook friended me." "Pam freakin' Staggs!" "Who's Pam Staggs?" "She's that "Wheel of Fortune" lady your mom went to high school with." "She's not just the "Wheel of Fortune" lady, Mike." "She won a million dollars!" "She solved "pardon my French" with just a "p" and an "r."" "And I thought it was, "purell my friend."" "I know she moved to St. Louis, but then I didn't hear a thing after that." " This close to not asking." " Like, I couldn't make the first move." " Yeah." " She's Pam Staggs!" "And now she has friended me." "Me, Mike, me!" "You do realize you're an adult now?" "Mom, Dad." "You are not gonna believe this." "Wait, me first." "How long should I wait before I accept a Facebook friend request?" "Oh, you gotta jump on that." "It could've been a mistake." "Good thinking." "Anyway..." "I was perusing KicklnltTenstyle's and I learned some very life-changing intel on a surefire way to get into the university of your choice." "One word... oboe." "Five words... you don't play the oboe." "Don't worry, you guys." "I got this." "These universities need to fill their oboe needs, and that is where Sue Heck comes in." "Whoo!" "Feelin' kinda dizzy." "Head between knees." "Whoa, Devin, what up?" "You wanna hit a movie?" " Busy." " Come over later." "Watch the game." " Can't." " You hungry?" "I'm famous for my toast." " Pole." " Whoa." "All right, fine, I'll just keep walking backwards around campus." "This could be a date right here." " Except it's not." " Why not?" "We went out, had a great time, I don't get it." "Is there someone else?" "Am I hideous to you?" "Look, I like you, Axl." "I'm just not sure I can do this whole dating thing." "I have soccer practice every day, and my grades suck." "Mine suck, too." "That's another thing we have in common." "We're like those two characters from that book we never read." "Why isn't this happening?" "Oh, my God." "Maybe you do think I'm hideous." "Yeah, I do." "You disgust me." "I can't stand blue eyes, especially when they have that stupid gold fleck in the corner." "Your thick curly hair makes me wanna heave, and I hate your smile." "You smile like you're embarrassed, you look down like you're shy, and it makes me wanna kiss you, and I don't really want to want to kiss anybody right now, okay?" "You can get that, can't you?" "Jeez." "You take away my noisy toys and this, you're allowing?" "Very inconsistent parenting, is all I'm saying." "Hey, don't wreck your dinner." "I've got pizza poppers in the microwave." "You need help with that?" "No, that's okay." "This one's on me." "Ugh, literally." "Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew." "Oh, come on!" "Frankie?" "Frankie Spence?" "Pam?" "What are you doin' here?" "Didn't you hear?" "I'm back, baby." "Pam Staggs is back!" "Help!" "Pam Staggs is here!" "Right outside, right now!" "She's parking down the street." "I think I bought us a few minutes." "If she asks, the curbs are being painted." "Oh, my God." "Somebody do something!" "It's a shantytown in here!" "Brick!" "Put on the news or something that makes us look smarter!" "Stuff a sock in it, Sue!" "Somebody cover the sinkhole." "Why do I have to do everything around here?" "!" "When are you people gonna learn to clean up after yourselves?" "!" "What's going on?" "Nothing good in this dump!" "Get that hose out the window!" "All right." "Change everything, clean the tub, be different!" "Hey there, Pam." "Such a pleasure to have you stop by." "Come in, come in." " Well..." " Wow." "This is cray cray, huh?" "I mean, I'm driving around checking out the old hood, and, at first, I thought this homeless woman was picking through the trash, and then I realized, oh, my God, that's not some bag lady." "That's Frankie Spence!" "Oh, this is my husband Mike." "He's president of the quarry." "Anybody that wants a rock blown up, they gotta ask this guy first." "And this is my youngest, Brick, he reads." "He's a reader." "Show her your books." "Oh, and this is my daughter Sue." "She plays the oboe." "Don't play now." "We don't wanna show off." "I'm sorry my oldest son, Axl, isn't here." "He's very handsome." "He's at college on a football scholarship." "That's true." "I mean, of course it's true." "It's all true." "Wow, Frankie, look at you." "You just have hardly changed." "Oh, yeah, you're just saying that." "You're the one that hasn't changed." " Our kitchen's being remodeled." " You know what?" "You and I are gonna go out right now." "Shut up!" "Because I will not take no for an answer." "Is that okay, Mike?" "Can I borrow your wife for a bit?" "I'll do you one better." "You can keep her." "He does that." "We joke about our love all the time." " Calm down." " You calm down." "Okay, then." "Well, I guess that's the plan." "These two gals are hitting the town." "So just put my pizza poppers in the fridge, guys, 'cause I'm going out with Pam Staggs." "Nice to meet you." "My glass is empty, Kevin." "You promised me this wasn't gonna happen." "Oh, my God, Frankie." "You forget what Orson's like." " Yeah." " It's so much slower." "Everything moves fast in St. Louis." "I mean, if you don't get into T.G.I. Fridays by 6:00, you're not getting in." "Anyway, what were we talking about?" "The "Wheel."" "You know what?" "I'm tired of talking about the "Wheel"" "anymore and all the money I won from solving "pardon my French"" "with only two letters." " Let's talk about us!" " Mm." "We didn't have any classes together, did we?" "Oh, I don't really remember... seven... history, english, biology..." "Oh!" "So we both had Mr. Todd for biology." ""Todd The Bod."" "Did he hit on you?" "'Cause he hit on all the girls." "No, he didn't hit on me." "But I sat in the back of the class, so..." "Oh!" "Remember that wild party Nick Saltzman had where we all had to run away from the cops?" "I don't recall being invited to that." " But I think I had mono anyway." " Oh." "Kevin, is this drink gonna be better?" "I feel good about it." "Mm, well, if you feel good, then I feel good." "Yeah, Kevin, it better be good, or I'm gonna tell your Mom." "I know his Mom." "We joined curves together." "Anyway, you know what?" "You haven't told me about your husband." "What does he do?" "Uh, let's see, he gets half my winnings." "We're divorced." "Ooh, I'm so sorry." "I..." "No, it's way better." "We're... you know, we're great." "We're still best friends." "And our son is in South America, and he's helping the locals start a system of sustainable agriculture." "Yeah." "Mmm!" "Kevin!" "Get over here!" "This isn't good, Kevy, and my friend here has yet to taste a real St. Louis Melon Ball." "You know what?" "Watch out." "I'm coming over." "You know, we're gonna be spending a lot of time here, Kevin." "And we need our Melon Balls to be made right." "Frankie, no!" "You spit that out right now." "That's the bad one." "So, Dad, I picked this up in the free bin at the library, and I thought you and Mom might find it very interesting." "It's called "Far Out Parenting."" "It was written in the '70s, but I think it still applies." "Just substitute "flip-flops" for "go-go boots,"" "and "oboe" for "drugs."" "Put it in the john." "Maybe I'll check it out." "Wow, ooh, oh, wow, wow." "Ooh!" "Crazy night." "Crazy, crazy night." "Really?" "Nothing?" "Does nobody around here care about my life at all?" "I saw the end of the night." "I think I can connect the dots on how you got there." "So listen, this hose water is really making this coffee taste weird." "I was thinking we should..." " Mm, oh, hang on a second." "It's Pam." " Mm." "Was..." "Totally in, period, sane, period." "All right, sorry, what were you saying?" "I'm saying we need to do something about the sink situation." "It's freezing out there." "We're losing heat." "No, Sue, no." "No oboe today." "My head can't take it." "Honestly, I'm losing faith in my ability to master the oboe in the time required." "But doesn't matter, because what I heard what colleges are really looking for are girls who do rowing." "But you don't do rowing." "No, but..." "I have been working on my upper arm strength, and I think I could be really good at it." "Look at this." "If I were in a boat right now," "I'd be, like, a hundred feet away." "Is there room for two in that boat?" "Okay, change of plans." "Mike, put my egg pockets back in the freezer." "I'm going to brunch with Pam Staggs." "Look!" "Mike!" "Aren't these pretty?" "They're from the Chico's in Santa Fe." "Pam Staggs gave them to me just 'cause I said I liked them." "Well, maybe next time, you can tell her you like her sink." "You're so funny." " All right, go to sleep." "Sleepy, sleepy..." " Okay." "Here's the thing about trying to date a girl who's a lot like you..." "you know her weaknesses." "Quick game of horse." "One game." "If I win, you go out with me." "If you win... highly doubtful..." "I'll leave you alone." "Yeah, not doing that." "Why not?" "You scared?" "You don't think you can beat me?" "Uh, no, I know I can beat you." "Well, prove it." "Fine." "Left hand, over the head, no look, nothing but net." "You know what they say... if at first you don't beat a girl in basketball to win a date, try, try again." "So this is your idea of leaving me alone?" "Ooh, somebody likes herself some her." "You think I'm just out running looking for you?" " I'm training on my off-season." " Oh, really?" "Funny how I've never seen you out here before." "Yeah." "Funny." "Race you to the mailbox." "You trying to run away from that body spray you have on?" "It's McConaughey by McConaughey for men." "Then, why are you wearing it?" "So, Mike get this," "Pam's house is one of the Homearama 2014 houses." "You would believe this place." "They've got remote-control window shade there's a TV in every room, but there's also a room just for watching TV." "Frankie, I couldn't care less if Pam Staggs lives in a big house." "I'm just saying, it's not the worst thing in the world to have a millionaire for a best friend." "Yeah, well, I could just use a break from the constant Pam Staggs updates." "Oh, wow, okay, I get it." "Just admit it." "You don't like Pam Staggs." "No, I don't like you when you're with Pam Staggs." "You act stupid." "You act like a big dummy." "Oh, you're a big dummy." "Okay, you're not in high school anymore, Frankie." "So stop trying to act like you are." "You've been out every night this week." "Well..." "I've been breaking rocks in this prison for 20 years." "I think I've earned a little time out in the yard." "Wow." "You don't want me to have any fun." "I find that very sad." "I want you to have fun." "I just want you to have old, married people, Mom fun." " The kids..." " Oh, don't bring the kids into this." "The kids are older now." "They're fine." "I know what the kids are doing every second." "This just isn't you, Frankie." "I don't get why you're twisting yourself into something that you're not just to please some crazy girl from high school." "For your information, Pam and I are very close." "Who did she seek out when she came back to Orson?" "Me." "This is about more than just partying, Mike." "Pam and I have a real connection." "She told me about her divorce, her uterus... heavy stuff." "I told her stuff, too." "Wait a minute." "You talked about stuff." "What stuff?" "Just that you were emotionally distant." "But don't worry." "I told her we went to counseling." "You came out sounding very good." " Frankie!" " What?" "She gave me divorce and uterus, Mike." "What was I supposed to give her?" "That you don't put the cap back on the ketchup bottle?" "Blah." "I had to give her something of equal or greater value." "Oh, and in case she asks, during your gambling addiction," "I stayed for a month at my Mom's, but now we're closer than ever." "Oh!" "I gotta go change." "I'm meeting Pam." " Again?" " It's ladies drink free, Mike." "I could stay here and drink our beer, and then we'd be losing money." "I'll go out, drink some beer, and then like a mama bird, I will come home and spit in your mouth." "You already did that last night." "♪ reunited 'cause we understood ♪" "♪ There's one perfect fit ♪" "♪ And, sugar, this one is it ♪" "♪ We both are so excited 'cause we're reunited ♪" "♪ Hey, hey ♪" "What's Peaches without her Herb?" "Oh, seriously, I'm so glad I ran into you, 'cause believe me, I had called everybody, and I mean, everybody I liked in high school, and they've all moved." "I guess everyone else left Orson to pursue their dreams but you." "Oh, wait, here's the solo part." "This is just me." "♪ I sat here starin' at the same old wall ♪" "Hey, Dad." "I need you to sign this form so I can join 4-H." "What?" "4-H." "It's an organization for teens." "It's something to do with agriculture, and you have to grow crops and stuff." "Oh, yeah, and I might have to raise an animal." "Why would you wanna do that?" "Because everybody's caught on to the whole oboe and rowing thing, but 4-H is kind of under the radar these days." "Yeah, but are you really that interested in farming?" "Dad, just don't talk." "You don't get it." "Gladly." "I gotta say, Brick, you're annoying me the least this week." "Thanks, Dad." "I know we don't always share a lot of the same interests, but I think we're both very calm." "Frankie, where were you?" "I thought we were supposed to meet at Suds and Duds." "You know, you don't have to do laundry to drink." "Yeah, Pam, I don't think..." "Oh, my God, are you mad at me?" "You're mad at me." "You got so quiet at karaoke." "That thing I said... it just came out wrong." "What I meant to say was, I called all my real friends, and they had all moved." "So thank goodness, you never followed any of your dreams!" "Come on." "Don't be mad at Peaches." "Pam, it's not just that." "You know, I'm a little tired." " I got the kids and..." " Of course!" "Ugh, what was I thinking?" "We'll stay in!" "That's why I always bring purse wine." "Whoo!" " Boom." " Seriously?" "Is there anything you're not good at?" "Word searches." "I get way too frustrated." "8-ball, corner pocket, for the win." "Oh, my God." "You scratched." "I win!" "I win!" "Loser!" "Of course, it's not really a loss 'cause you get me." "Wait a minute." "Did you just do that on purpose?" "Did you just let me win?" "You'll never know." "Pick me up at 8:00." "No body spray." "All right, all right, all right." "What are you doing?" "Oh, I had to get out of there." "I don't know what's worse, your Mom going out with Pam Staggs, or your Mom staying in with Pam Staggs." "I was hiding at the library." "I thought she'd be gone by now." "Yeah, well, she's not." "You know, you and I can just get an apartment together." "♪ if I could have all the women ♪" "♪ I would take this time to leave ♪" "♪ the pressure's on...♪" "Come on, Frankie!" "Stand up and dance with me." "It's not fun by myself." "Yeah, you know, Pam, I'm not really in the..." "Oh, oh, I've got a great idea." "Let's prank call Gary Pope, remember him?" "Yeah, he died." "Oh." "Well, here's to Gary." "Gary!" "Gary!" "Gary, Gary, Gary, Gary." "Pam, this is really fun and all, but tomorrow's a workday, and most of us have to go to work." "We didn't all win a million dollars." "Yeah, but I did." "Seriously, Frankie, if you do go to work tomorrow, how much would you make?" "Why don't I just write you a check?" "That is tempting, but tomorrow's the day I get to clean out" " the saliva ejector..." " Oh, no." "We're out of fun juice." "Ugh, we gotta make a booze run." "Where's the young one?" "Does he drive?" "I mean, I'll run in." "You know, Pam, maybe this is a sign we should be winding things down a bit." "Oh, isn't that great?" "Here, I want you to keep it." "Here, it's yours." "Pam, you can't just keep giving me your stuff." " No, come on, take it." " Yeah, I don't want it." " Just take it." " I don't..." "Mike, she won't dance with me and she won't take my speaker." "Okay." "But you'll dance with me, won't you?" "Oh, you're so sweaty." "I love me some salty snacks." "Frankie." "What are you doing?" "You just licked my husband." "Look, I don't know how they do things in St. Louis, but around here, we don't lick each other's husbands." "We just don't." "I don't care if you are Pam Staggs." "People don't exist just for you to call them when you're bored, or back up your karaoke, or loan you their lipstick so you can write your phone number on Kevin's windshield." "What the hell is wrong with you?" "!" "A lot of things." "I'm sorry." "I'm so, so sorry." "I don't know what's the matter with me!" "I..." "My life is such a mess!" "I'm such a mess!" "You know my whole life, people always tried to put me way up here on one of those..." "Thingies, what do you call them?" "Those high things?" " Pedestals?" " Yeah, those!" "But I-I don't belong up there." "I belong down here because I am not perfect!" "You know, I had to move here from St. Louis because my husband left me." "And he didn't even have the decency to cheat on me." "He just didn't wanna be with me." "And my son..." "Yeah, he's in South America, all right..." "Growing pot!" "Oh, you have no idea what a burden this money is, Frankie." "You are so lucky that you have nothing." "Don't you think that I would love to dye my hair in my bathroom like you do and then ride off into the sunset with my salty husband?" "Because I would, and I'd do it in a second." "Another thing, you know, the only thing Pat Sajak said to me was," ""you're standing in my light."" "I lied." "I'm a liar." "I'm just a beautiful..." "Wealthy liar!" "Pam, I-I am so sorry." "I honestly had no idea." "Oh, you've got a little snot thingie here." "I'll get you a Kleenex." "She's miserable, Mike." "Pam Staggs is miserable!" "Her life is horrible!" "She wants what I have." "Can you believe it?" "She wishes she was me!" "I guess it's true what they say, money doesn't buy happiness." "Not that being poor does either." "But when you think about it, our family really does have it all goin' on." "Have you seen my Mom?" "And as for sad, pathetic Pam?" "Well, I didn't see her much after that night." "But I did hear she started dating the real estate guy who sold her Homearama home." "Me?" "I wouldn't trade places for the world." "Because, pardon my French..." "I am Frankie freakin' Heck."