"It's called trust, Di." "Between husband and wife." "I imagine it's the same for you and Jim." "What are you talking about?" "I've got everything I need all over the underwear I was wearing when we last met." "But the will is clear." "In the event of your remarriage, her estate is bequeathed to the several charities of her choice." "Oh!" "Laura, no." "(KNOCKING ON DOOR)" "Two years ago," "I had a penis." "I was born a boy, Sister." "In the lining of her mattress." "I've been stitched up here, I swear!" "You're a bloody saint." "Say "parole"!" "Parole!" "Cheers." "Stand there." "Sylvia, how long have you been up?" "I couldn't sleep." "Is there wedding nerves?" "You'll feel better when you get that gold band on your finger." "Trust me, I'm a doctor." "Malcolm, you don't think..." "I mean, we don't have to get married, you know." "Of course we do." "It's all I want." "But if we didn't, we could still live together." "Lots of people do." "Let's face it, we've both been there before." "It's only a daft bit of paper." "It's about Bobby, isn't it?" "You're not over him." "I just..." "I don't want you to feel you've rushed into anything." "You don't trust me." "I do, of course." "But what would it matter if we didn't actually..." "It would matter very much indeed." "So much so I don't think I could see you anymore." "I have my principles, Sylvia." "I think I'm a little too old to have a girlfriend." "I thought you wanted to be Mrs Nicholson, but if you don't feel enough for me to make that kind of commitment, then..." "please tell me now." "Oh, Malcolm." "I just want us to be happy." "Then marry me on Saturday." "Be my wife." "Nothing else will do." "You mean it?" "It's natural to feel nervous." "We've just got one last morning shift, then lunch with Jim and Di, and no more work till after the honeymoon." "I want you to relax, enjoy the wedding." "It's cost us enough." "Right." "Tempers are wearing thin after last night's cell spin." "So take it easy." "I don't want any more kicking off." "Buxton's on segregation till I investigate exactly what happened yesterday." "Eh, those scissors were in her mattress." "And if they hadn't been found, they could be sticking out of one of our backs right now." "What's to investigate?" "Well, she's denying any part of it, says they were planted." "Well, she would, wouldn't she?" "I know, I know, but..." "I've gotta follow procedure." "DI:" "I think she should be shipped out." "She's always causing trouble, and after yesterday it's obvious she's dangerous." "Hear!" "Hear!" "Yeah, but we can't be seen to be unable to manage the hard nuts." "If she's guilty, she'll be punished." "In the meantime, Arun Parmar's adjudication will just have to wait." "Right." "We've got a new arrival, Pat Kerrigan." "Shipped in last night." "Another man-hater, stabbed her boyfriend in the groin." "Charming." "Obviously one to watch." "Apparently at Alberton she ran the lifers' unit." "And I'm not having that on my wing." "So on your guard, all of you." "Right. 1 0 minutes to unlock." "Thank you." "Uh, you and Malcolm still up for this luncheon?" "Of course." "Good." "Di, have you got a second?" "You all right?" "No." "Di, I don't know what to do." "Good old Auntie Margaret." "What a cow!" "We've spent a fortune on the flipping wedding." "Not to mention the rest." "And if we actually go ahead with it, we can't afford it." "What does Malcolm say?" "I haven't told him." "But when I suggested calling it off, he was devastated." "For heaven's sakes, you've got to come clean." "Oh, no, Di, please, I couldn't." "He said he wouldn't live in sin." "And I don't want to lose him." "But if he knew why..." "I mean..." "Look, let's face it." "He's been happy enough to spend it." "He might have a change of heart if he knew his nest egg wasn't gonna hatch." "What if he had a change of heart about me?" "Oh, listen to yourself." "If he did that, then what does that tell you, eh?" "That the money's more important to him." "No, it's...it's..." "It's being man and wife." "That's what he wants." "And Di, it's what I want, too." "What, even if it means losing the lot?" "Yes." "You could still tell him and get married." "At least he knows what he's getting into." "You've got to promise you won't say anything." "Of course I won't." "Well, come on." "Dry your eyes and get on with it." "You'll just have to start cutting a few corners is all." "Every time I dig you out of a hole, you dig another one twice as deep!" "Come on, you know damn well I'm not stupid enough to set myself..." "I'm not so sure about that." "I was framed by your wife." "Oh, come on, don't be so ridiculous." "She hates me." "Only last week she threatened me." "Said I should watch my back." "Yeah, but the point is I've got to punish you." "They're bleating for your transfer out as we speak." "No, if I get done for this, those knickers come out of hiding and straight to the police." "Never mind your job, you'll be on sexual assault charges." "Don't you..." "Stop." "Or we can hang on to what we've got." "Let somebody else take the blame." "How do you figure that one, eh?" "I don't." "We do." "Oi, mind the hair." "Let's get this done in time for lunch." "Been in that reception dorm all night with a bunch of screaming teenagers and no bastard came round with breakfast." "That's basic rights violation, that." "Sorry, there must've been a lapse in communication with night shift." "Lapse of giving a bugger, more like." "I'm bloody starving." "You'll have to wait till you've been processed, I'm afraid." "Yeah." "Well, low blood sugar makes me irritable." "You could ask my ex-boyfriend, but I don't suppose you've got a medium on call." "All right." "I'll take her to see Dr Nicholson." "What, see if I've got any suicidal tendencies?" "Of course I've got bloody suicidal tendencies." "So has every other poor sod in this place banged up 1 0 hours a day." "Bet you have and all." "Then it's G-Wing I'm headed, yeah?" "That where the lifers' unit is?" "I see you've done your research." "Well, I had some time on my hands." "Plenty of activities to get involved with on G-Wing." "Education, drama and art classes." "We've even got a hair salon." "I got my own plans, ta." "Asthma, no." "Diabetes?" "No." "Bloody miracle on a prison diet." "Speaking of which, how much longer is this gonna take?" "I told 'em down there I didn't get any breakfast." "If I miss lunch and all I'm making a complaint." "Sit down, shut up till I've finished, or I make the complaint." "Nice bedside manner." "What you gonna do?" "Shove some tranqs down me throat to keep me quiet?" "I wouldn't waste the medication on you." "Obviously did no good in the past." "Spot on, Frankenstein." "It was you lot and your crap diagnosis got me ended up here in the first place." "Of course, it had absolutely nothing to do with the fact that you stuck a six-inch blade in some poor fool's privates." "I got the shit kicked out of me every day by that bastard." "And all you lot could do was tell me I was depressed." "Well, thanks for the revelation, I'd never have guessed." "Get somebody to take Kerrigan to G-Wing, will you?" "At bloody last." "Janine, it's called taking a fall." "It's what you do for the greater good." "You know, I get done for this and I'm out of here." "Back to square one and you lose all the privileges of my friendship." "You take the rap, you get a couple of days off, smacked wrist and a promotion when this is all over." "A promotion?" "That's how it works with loyalty, sweetheart." "I never forget an honourable soldier." "You'll become my second-in-command and all the benefits that come with it." "GUARD:" "Come on, you." "Mr Fenner asked me to bring you some clean clothes." "It's about bloody time!" "Listen, Janine, it is completely up to you." "Unless I misjudged you, and you just haven't got the bottle." "Look, I better go." "We should get going." "Should I get your coat?" "Jim?" "Yeah, great." "Nebeski." "Sir, uh..." "Um, the thing is, um..." "Spit it out." "We've got an appointment." "Well, I've got a confession to make." "About them scissors." "You're on the threes with the other lifers." "Oh, look, a new client for the salon." "Hello, blank canvas." "Right, go on." "Look, I did that letter as well about you and her at it." "I'm sorry, miss." "It was to get back at Natalie." "She was pissing me off and..." "I didn't mean nothing by it." "You're a very stupid girl, Nebeski." "I don't believe you." "I swear." "You're lying!" "Look, you don't have to cover up for Buxton." "What are you talking about?" "Well, it's obvious, isn't it?" "No, I'm not covering up." "I just feel bad about it." "I've been shitting myself she'll find out." "At least this way, you know, maybe she'll forgive me." "Right, you, you're on report..." "No!" "Buxton's got to her somehow, I know it." "Di, you're making a fool of yourself." "Just go and get the coats." "I'll sort this out." "Hedges." "Sir, am I gonna get, like, extra time for this?" "You've committed two serious and dangerous offences." "But it's in your favour you've admitted it." "I'll take that into account at your adjudication." "Cheers." "I've never been down the block before." "Unpack and make up your bed and you might still get some lunch." "Your induction interview with Governor Fenner is scheduled for two." "And you'd better watch your mouth, he won't stand for any cheek." "I'm afraid that's all there is left." "It don't look like it to me." "These are for people on the block." "They'll have to share one between them then, won't they?" "I'm sorry, I don't think I caught your name." "Pat Kerrigan." "And I'm hungry." "Right." "We don't owe Buxton any favours." "Nice girl." "Mm, chatty." "I can't believe that Janine Nebeski would be brainy enough to swipe those scissors." "Who did it then, Di?" "Buxton." "I mean, that's what I'm saying." "Buxton says it was you before Nebeski owned up." "You've been obsessed with getting rid of her." "I think it's you that's obsessed, Jim." "Keeping her on the wing regardless of what she does." "How'd she get let out?" "See?" "Told you I was stitched up." "Janine Nebeski." "Janine?" "I always thought she was more mouth than trousers, that one." "Well, she won't be doing it again, you can count on that." "Where's my lunch?" "Obviously you don't know the score round here." "I'm top dog." "And the new girls are supposed to kiss my arse, not nick my chips." "Oi!" "You're eating my lunch!" "Have it." "All right, everybody stay back!" "Stay back!" "Remember me?" "Maybe I'd better refresh your memory." "(GROANING)" "Drop it, Kerrigan, right now." "Back off." "I said back off!" "Back!" "Get back!" "Easy..." "Shut it!" "I'm in charge now." "Radio Control." "Code Amber in G-Wing." "Back to your cells." "What's wrong with her?" "Back to your cells!" "GUARD:" "Code Amber in G-Wing." "(ALARM BLARING)" "Oi, Arun!" "What the hell's going on out there?" "I don't know!" "Maybe it's a fire or something." "Oi!" "Let us out!" "Get away!" "Or I'll do her." "I said get back to your cells!" "Lock down." "No, bollocks to that." "Get them in there where I can see them." "All of them." "Now." "Do it!" "Do as she says." "Get in there, all of you!" "You lot, down there, move." "Be brave." "Lord Jesus be with you, Sister." "COLIN:" "Do as she says." "Look, I don't know what's wrong with you, but this won't do anyone any good." "Oh, believe me, it's doing me the world of good." "I've been waiting for this for 20 years." "About time we had some in-house entertainment." "You are sick." "Take your hand off our Sister!" "TINA:" "Yeah, you can piss off threatening a nun." "If you don't sit down, there ain't gonna be any sodding nun." "I'll cut her to pieces." "Leave her alone!" "What has she ever done to you?" "Pat," "I'm Governor Grayling." "If that's the cavalry, the old dear's had it." "Let's talk this thing through." "Now, something has obviously upset you and I'm here to listen." "You can listen to me slice her shitting throat if you patronise me." "Okay." "Well, you've got the floor." "Take your time, I'm not going anywhere." "Where's Fenner?" "What do you mean they're not coming?" "They're your daughters." "Well, Gayle's just had a hysterectomy, so she can't." "As for Connie, Constance, I didn't invite her." "We fell out after I gave her youngest a smacked bottom." "And let's just say there were words." "Nasty ones." "Still, Bobby Darren will be there to give me away." "Mummy's boy, eh?" "Apple of my eye." "He's going to make some girl very happy himself one day." "(MOBILE RINGING)" "Oh, leave it, Jim, for once." "You can always say you didn't hear it." "So, what plans for the honeymoon?" "Well, we cruise it for the first two weeks." "Then we fly back, stopping in at a nice little hotel in the sun for the last week." "Sounds expensive." "Sylvia's worth every penny." "Every penny of her own money." "Di." "When I met this lady, she had nothing but her salary, for what it's worth." "Bobby's passing was tragic, but time goes by and to my eternal happiness, she has agreed to be my wife." "If we had to live in a caravan, I'd still be the luckiest man in the world." "Oh, Malcolm." "Hear!" "Hear!" "Well, I think that deserves another toast." "To Malcolm, the luckiest man in the world." "And me, the luckiest woman." "(MOBILE RINGING)" "Oh, for pity's sake!" "It'll be Grayling wanting his boots cleaned or something." "Just to spoil our lunch." "Fenner." "Jesus." "And the bloody dress." "Take it off, it makes me sick!" "Take it off!" "God forgive you." "God can kiss my arse." "Now, strip!" "What sort of a coward are you, humiliating an old lady?" "You're off your head." "(NEIL SHUSHING)" "Everyone, just calm down." "One I prepared earlier." "Oh, good thinking, Phyllida." "Pat, why don't you tell me what this is all about?" "Do you know who this is?" "Our friend." "Sister Thomas Moore worked in the children's home where I grew up." "Your precious nun's a sadist and a child abuser." "Shit!" "This is all bollocks!" "You're the one doing the abusing!" "DARLENE:" "You liar!" "That's right." "It's all coming back now." "Put the knife down and you can tell us what happened." "I've been telling you lot since I was 1 5." "All anyone did was tell me I was a liar and pump me full of drugs." "I want her to admit what she did, out loud, in front of witnesses." "I've got nothing to admit." "Yes, I worked at a children's home, for orphans and troubled young people." "But abuse?" "I looked after them." "You looked after yourself!" "And your own sick fantasies." "If you've got an accusation to make against Sister Thomas, this is the wrong way to do it." "Just take a deep breath, think about what you're doing." "What the hell is he doing?" "All the women should be on lock down." "I've had enough time to think about it." "On your hands and knees, bitch." "If that bitch touch her one more time, I'll march up and break her face!" "Surely you can see that anything she says under duress is meaningless." "If you've a complaint, you must make it through the official channels." "Official channels don't work." "Lucy is dead because official channels let her down." "Tell me about Lucy." "Who was she?" "Nobody." "Never was, like me." "Just another kid to torture." "Lucy hung herself rather than spend one more day having the life thrashed out of her for her sins." "That girl was on drugs." "PAT:" "No bloody wonder!" "Pat, what do you hope to achieve?" "She's going to admit it." "Her and that bastard priest Father Kelly that ran the place." "You get him here, you ask him who did this." "ALL:" "Oh, my God!" "If he's not here by 6:00, I'm gonna slit that bitch's throat." "I am going to ask Governor Fenner to look into this, if that's okay with you?" "That's what I just bloody said, isn't it?" "You can't give into her demand." "Rule bloody number one." "This gets out, every con in the country will get their way." "May I remind you that you let a con get a knife on your watch while you were out pissing it up with your mates!" "You want a dead nun on your record as well, huh?" "No." "Nor do I. Just find him." "Stop whispering and get on with it!" "(KNOCKING ON DOOR)" "Who is it?" "It's Lizzy, Father." "I'm eating." "There's a policeman here to see you." "What the bloody hell?" ""I know you'll be pissed off with me, but I can't take it anymore." ""And if it means I'm going to hell, it can't be any worse than this." ""I'm leaving you this diary and my Walkman." "Love you, Pat." ""Thanks for being my friend."" "That's the last thing she wrote before cracking her own neck." "I found it under my pillow." "Some bastard nicked the Walkman." "Poor desperate soul." "It was you and him she wanted away from." "It says it right here!" "It says nothing of the sort." "That's true." "Yeah." "Well, why'd she go and top herself, then?" ""Sister Thomas made me whip myself again." "Stood there till I done 1 2." ""She says it's to beat the Devil out." "They can stay put for all I care." ""Amy's getting me some jellies." "My back hurts."" "You don't make stuff like that up." "You look us in the eye and deny it!" "NEIL:" "Sit down, Saunders." "No, we want the truth." "Of course I deny it." "You know me." "Surely." "All of you." "I want to help people, not harm them." "Yeah." "What about Janine's eye?" "She made that better, didn't she?" "Well, that could be a trick or something." "I mean kiddies just don't make up them kind of lies, do they?" "Pat, Father Kelly's here, if you still want to see him." "Get him in here." "Father Kelly." "Thank you for coming." "What's the problem?" "Police turning up at my door, spiriting me away." "PAT:" "That's him." "It's the raping, sadistic bastard!" "How dare you?" "I don't even know who you are!" "They tell me you were at St Paul's and perhaps you were." "You know me, all right." "You got your rocks off on my nightie enough." "And how many times did you rape Lucy?" ""Gave Father Kelly a hand-job last night." "And he says he'll sort me a Walkman." ""Reckon I'm his favourite right now."" "And you..." "You're a priest!" "I've told them she was a little fibber." "I see this isn't the first time you've been accused of sexual abuse, Father." "Lucy was 1 4 years old when you started on her." "Yeah, 1 4 going on 40." "The girl was soliciting on the streets before she came to us." "So don't come the abuse card with me!" "Little slut was asking for it!" "Oh, so you did shag her?" "No!" "No, I..." "If you had sexual relations with an underaged girl, it's child abuse, Father." "How could it be abuse if it's what she wanted?" "Bring her down here now, you devil, you!" "I had no idea such things were going on." "You had a duty to control your urges." "You hypocrite!" "You're the one who wanted me to, so you could watch!" "He's making it up." "FATHER KELLY:" "You're not wriggling out of what you did." "I never hit anyone, beat anyone." "I turned a blind eye long enough." "Think what you want, but I know what happened." "You were disgusting, foulmouthed little pigs." "And I tried to show you God." "But the Devil doesn't recognise righteousness." "Couldn't wash it out, couldn't beat it out." "Your sins will devour you, Patricia and the Devil will claim you like he did your little whore of a friend!" "You evil cow!" "You got at them innocent kids." "You monsters!" "Go!" "Get him out of here!" "We thought you was a bleeding saint!" "How can you sleep at night?" "You were supposed to be looking after them!" "Get a load of Mr Hedges!" "Kill the bastard!" "Go on!" "Is everything and everyone in this world just shit?" "GUARD:" "Get back to your cells." "I just wanna see if it's hit the news yet." "Hell, I should be there." "I mean, okay, we're on leave, but if ever they needed me..." "You don't have to play the heroine to me, Sylvia." "Just be glad you're not involved." "Oh, damn." "Oh, well, need a new television, hm?" "Nice widescreen." "Malcolm, about the wedding..." "Don't tell me that you're still having second thoughts?" "No." "Quite the opposite." "But it's just I feel a bit ashamed of how much we're spending." "Don't pay any attention to Di." "She's just jealous." "Yes, but we are being a bit flash Harry, aren't we?" "Maybe we should try and tone it down a bit." "I don't want people thinking we're showing off." "Not just the wedding, you know." "This house and your fancy car and everything." "I mean, is it really us?" "Of course it is." "Look, if you're uncomfortable, we can sell this place when we get back and move somewhere more modest." "I won't have you fretting." "We have each other now." "And that's all that really matters." "Thanks, love." "You're right." "Kerrigan's on seg." "What about the nun?" "I'm sending her to D-Wing until we can get her shipped out." "Can't guarantee her safety in here if she stays." "You'll never keep this out of the press, you know." "PR will handle it." "Hostage situation successfully diffused without casualties." "In front of an audience of convicted criminals." "Violation of procedure by the number one himself." "You should be kissing my balls, Fenner." "The next time you've got a dangerous lifer arriving on your wing, get a sandwich in and do your job." "We've got a couple AWOL on the ones." "The Costas." "(SNORING)" "Found them." "Right, you two pissheads." "You're on report." "Governor Grayling, I hope you will be reviewing your security measures from here on." "And I will, of course, be pressing charges against Patricia Kerrigan." "I think you'll have to wait until you've answered the charges against you." "God sees through fabrication, Governor." "He is my judge." "Oh, I have no doubt you'll go to the grave protesting your innocence." "But for just a few brief seconds today, a couple of dozen people saw you for what you really are, a depraved hypocrite." "Oh, and as for Kerrigan, when she's back off the block she'll be getting a slap-up meal and a pat on the back from me." "Oh, trust me." "I'm gonna make sure that she is very well looked after in here." "Get her out of my sight." "Nasty piece of work!" "You're going to get abused, Sister!" "Just wait till me see you!" "I'm sorry." "It's just..." "I know what it's like, being led on." "Trusting them when you bloody shouldn't." "JOHNSTON:" "You can't hide, you filthy witch!" "We ain't gonna wait for the courts to get you!" "And I've got Arun Parmar's adjudication later today." "Patricia Kerrigan is still on segregation." "Now, she seems pretty relaxed at the moment." "But please, let's keep our eyes peeled." "Don't forget what she's capable of, okay?" "All right." "Unlock." "Erm, let's do Parmar as soon as we can." "I've gotta be away by lunch if I'm gonna make an appearance at Malcolm and Sylvia's reception." "Yeah, tell them I'm sorry I can't be there." "Well, you've got Hedges to thank for that, I'm afraid." "We were gonna be short-staffed for a Saturday as it was with everyone at the wedding." "Sir, what's gonna happen to Officer Hedges?" "Oh, it's a police matter now, Vicky." "I'll do my best to protect him, obviously." "I mean, it was an extreme situation and he's a good officer but..." "I've had to suspend him pending an inquiry." "That priest deserved everything he got." "I'd better get off to Sylvia's." "Malcolm will be here in a minute." "And Sylvia'll have kittens if she's on her own." "Right." "Is this what Sylvia's got to look forward to?" "'Cause right now, quite honestly, I couldn't recommend it." "(SIGHING)" "And what can you do honestly, Di?" "If this is about those bloody scissors again, I wanna know why." "I have told you what's what." "But you seem to prefer the warped opinion of a convicted criminal." "For Christ's sake, Jim, talk about lying!" "What about everything you hid from me?" "That's much worse." "And you only fessed up when you needed me to bail you out." "So, you didn't plant the scissors?" "No, I did not." "And why should I believe you?" "Because I'm your wife and I wouldn't lie to you." "You promised me no more secrets when I got you off those charges." "And it works both ways." "Actually, I have got a secret, but only because Sylvia told me in strictest confidence." "It's about the old aunt's will." "Seems there's a catch." "I can't believe we kneeled down for a sodding nonce." "All them hours we spent on that blanket." "All for the Devil herself." "Well, she'll go down now, thanks to Kerrigan." "Imagine, putting her in jail and letting that evil cow go on beating up little kiddies." "All in the name of God." "I'm just glad I'm a Rasta." "You was all for converting to Catholic a few days ago." "Well, we all were, yeah?" "I mean, she talked a good game." "Yeah, well, I'm just glad I'm an amethyst." "Well, I did tell you all she was at it." "But you didn't listen to me, did you?" "It takes one to know one, Buxton." "We just didn't have your hands-on experience." "I'm telling you, Kerrigan deserves a medal, not sent down the block." "What she done for them innocent victims?" "Yeah, talk about brave." "Here you are." "Get that down your neck." "You'll need it, taking on Sylvia." "No, seriously though, she's one of the best, is our Sylv." "What a year she's had, eh?" "Coming into money... and finding love so soon after." "Who would've thought, eh?" "We always got on well, and the time seemed right." "Yeah, sure it did." "Come on, mate." "Don't tell me she doesn't look better with the bank balance." "There's no harm in admitting it, you know." "Time was they all came with a dowry." "I only wish Di had a stash." "Now, I won't deny the money will come in useful." "I've made a couple of investment errors and..." "this way I'll be able to look after her properly." "Well, I wish you all the best." "Cheers." "(ORGAN PLAYING WEDDING MARCH)" "(KNOCKING ON DOOR)" "Come in." "Well, what the hell is that, Parmar?" "Take it off." "She refuses." "It's my chador, sir." "It's my right to wear it as a Muslim." "You're Catholic." "Not anymore, sir." "I heard about Sister Thomas and the atrocities committed in the name of Catholicism." "So I've converted back to my roots, sir." "I'm a Muslim, sir." "Right." "Come on, let's get on with it, then." "I, Malcolm James Nicholson, take you, Sylvia Violet Hollamby, to be my wedded wife." "To have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for rich or for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish till death do us part." "And hereby I pledge you my faithfulness." "I, Sylvia Violet Hollamby, take you, Malcolm James Nicholson, to be my wedded husband." "What the hell is that?" "Here, here." "Arun." "You look like you have something on your face." "Yeah, you do look a bit different." "I can't quite put me finger on it, though." "It's a chador." "A who?" "A veil to cover my face in the Muslim tradition." "Looks more like a jumper to me, but fair dos." "What do you wanna cover your face for?" "You've got a lovely face." "She's right, love." "Women shouldn't have to hide it like that." "Look, it's what I want." "So, if you don't mind..." "Well, actually, I do mind." "I'm not having you running around in here freaking everyone out." "And no one can hear a bloody word you're saying." "Now, get it off!" "(ALL GASPING)" "(PLAYING UPBEAT INSTRUMENTAL)" "Sorry I'm late." "Oh!" "You've done the deed already, I see." "Congratulations." "Thank you." "Neil." "Champagne, yeah?" "Right." "I'm so happy for you, Mum." "You look radiant." "Oh, thank you, love." "Bobby Darren, this is Neil Grayling, Governor of Governors at Larkhall." "Neil, my son, Bobby Darren." "Pleased to meet you." "Pleasure's mine." "Mum, I need a word." "Look, I know it's not really the time, what with you off on honeymoon and that but..." "Sorry, I'll check my coat." "See, I found this property I really like south of the river." "It's perfect and I'd like to make an offer on it." "The only thing is, um, I'm a little short on the deposit side of things." "I bet he wouldn't be that generous with the fizz if he knew he was gonna have to pay for it." "Don't!" "Anyway, he said he'd be happy in a caravan as long as it was with Sylvia." "You don't think we should've told him otherwise, do you?" "No way!" "You promised Sylvia." "Besides, he's made his bed." "Anyway, there's been a lot of interest and I really don't want to lose it." "I can't lend you any money." "I wasn't so much thinking of a loan, to be honest." "But Bobby Darren, I can't." "I mean, what would your sisters say?" "I can't play favourites." "Who cares what they say?" "I mean, they couldn't even be bothered to come to your wedding." "Look, love, I've got to mingle." "The car will be here soon." "Let's talk about it after I get back from honeymoon." "It'll be too bloody late by then." "Bitch." "So, Bobby Darren, what is it you do?" "Retail." "I manage a soft furnishings department in the city centre." "Where do you think she got her three-piece suite from?" "With staff discount, thank you very much." "How you feeling?" "On top of the world, to be honest." "And no regrets?" "No." "I've done what I can to cut the costs, but it was too late in the day." "What the heck?" "I'm enjoying meself." "I'm not spoiling our big day." "What will be will be." "And like Malcolm says, "As long as we've got each other, that's the main thing."" "(KEY TURNING IN DOOR)" "A little present from the girls in G-Wing." "(GUESTS CHEERING)" "Thank you." "Thank you, everybody." "Go back inside, enjoy the rest of the party." "We'll see you again when we get back as the Nicholsons of Hampstead." "Bye, Sylv, bye." "I hope your boat sinks." "Well, your girlfriend will be pleased." "I have got us an appointment with an adoption agency for next week." "We don't want to share this wing with a bloke, and they can't make us." "Leave her alone." "Or what?" "You'll find out."