"( blowing fanfare )" "Wow." "All this just because I finished my invention for school?" "You shouldn't have." "Even though I did spend three weeks working on it, not to mention missing" "The English Patient on HBO 61 times." "Cool your jets, Edison." "The horns don't toot for you." "This is for our cousin Larry." "What did he invent?" "Nothing." "But cousin Larry has come to expect some fanfare since he became an Other Realm emperor." "He has his own country, I get dirty looks for taking up too much couch space." "( thunder crashes )" "Ah." "Here he comes." "( blowing fanfare )" "Zelda." "What a delight." "This must be Sabrina." "Kiss my ring." "But I hardly know it." "( chuckles )" "I can't wait to talk to you about the family" "( fanfare resumes )" "I have a" "( fanfare continues )" "( upbeat rock theme playing )" "Two witches walk into a bar." "Stop me if you've heard this one." "So where is your lovely sister?" "She's at her high school equivalency reunion." "They hold it every year... at Costco." "Oh, I'm gonna be late for my symposium in the Other Realm." "I've proved yet another unsolvable theorem." "Yes, well, before you go," "I must tell you, I've discovered a very curious fact." "You're your own grandpa?" "I found out that Zelda is the Rincess of Massapequa Park." "The country that borders my country, Massapequa." "Aunt Zelda's a princess?" "Not "p," just "rrr."" "Really tiny countries can't afford a whole "p"-rincess." "Okay, but nonetheless, Aunt Zelda, there's a whole country for you to run, and me to inherit." "SALEM:" "Back off, Napoleon." "Zelda promised me my own sovereign state for my birthday." "Or was it a chew toy?" "We witches live so long that we constantly accumulate useless land." "Just last week, I found out" "I own a driveway in Ashtabula." "Would you like me to take the country off your hands?" "Would you?" "I've got the papers right here." "Just one little signature." "( majestic theme playing )" "If you press really hard." "I'm sorry." "I'm gonna have to sign these after my symposium." "So, Sabrina, finally we get to talk about the family secret." "I'd love to, Emperor Larry, but I've gotta get to school." "Today's the invention fair, and mine is really cool." "( royal magical theme plays )" "( toots horn )" "I think I know the family secret:" "lack of proper excitement over teenage achievements." "It's a combination hairdryer-lipstick applicator." "( whirring )" "Excellent." "I see them in hotels everywhere." "Except Europe, where the current's weird." "So, what does yours do?" "Oh, it filters the water from the school's water cooler, leaving only pure H2O." "Watch." "( low humming )" "( bubbling )" "Wow, the water's so pure," "I'm still thirsty." "Sabrina." "You're gonna win for sure." "Thanks." "It's so nice to have someone else excited about it." "My aunts didn't even care that our tap water has radon." "All systems are go for the first-ever pepperoni pizza putty prototype." "Does the pepperoni pizza putty prototype have a point?" "Say you order a plain cheese pizza and it arrives with pepperoni." "Simply place the pepperoni pizza putty prototype like so, and... ( squishing ) ...voilà!" "Hey, it really works." "One question: why don't you just pick the pepperoni off with your fingers?" "What do I look like, an animal?" "Valerie, I like your invention." "Really?" "What about mine?" "Excellent, as usual." "Nice work." "Thank you." "Ha." "( whirring )" "( whirring stops )" "Swell." "Now I look like one of Red Skelton's paintings." "Coming through." "Harvey, I think someone studied." "All right!" "C-plus." "B-minus." "Yes!" "Once again, I'm comfortably ensconced in the middle of the bell curve." "All right, Valerie." "I got an A!" "As usual." "Uh, Mrs. Quick, I'm not sure, but is this an A?" "Actually, it's an A-plus." "Now let's all turn to chapter 11." "( toots horn )" "Just getting ready for the millennium." "( gasps )" "I got third place!" "That's great." "First!" "I got first place!" "I got a green participant ribbon." "Congratulations." "I got third." "All right!" "And I got first!" "Knew it." "Valerie, I told you it was a good invention." "Thank you." "( clears throat repeatedly )" "Well, nice work, Kinkle." "You're the only football player to actually finish an invention." "What about me?" "Hello." "Hey, Valerie." "I heard you got third." "Cool." "Thank you." "Hey, Sabrina." "Yes, I did." "I mean, uh-- You go first." "We're doing a walk for orphans." "Do you wanna sign up?" "Why?" "So I can do great, be the best, walk the most and have everyone ignore it?" "( unhappy theme playing )" "Actually, it's so the orphans can get cable." "Oh, hi, honey." "I wasn't expecting you home for lunch." "What's the matter?" "I got an A-plus on a really hard test and won a blue ribbon on my invention." "Uh-huh." "So, what's the problem?" "That!" "No one's excited!" "Oh, honey, it's just that you get A's and win things so often, you can't expect a parade every time." "How about one person walking by with a hearty" ""Well done"?" "I, on the other hand, solved an ancient math problem and the Other Realm scientists sat there like a group of mutes." "Of course, now that they're covered with smallpox they might be livelier." "I would just like one person to get a little keyed up." "( gasps )" "Sabrina, did I dream it, or did you win a blue ribbon?" "Yes, I did!" "Is that available for shredding?" "( dramatic theme playing )" "This magic book is useless." "It shouldn't take this long to find a quick fix." "What are you looking for?" "When I go back to school," "I want my good work acknowledged." "But I haven't found anything under awards, accolades, prizes-- Not even lip service." "Check the recipe section." "Just do it." "Do it!" "It's just desserts." "Exactly." "That's what you want, your "just desserts."" "Oh, I see." ""With one little bite of this just dessert you'll get the recognition your good work deserves."" "Cool." "Wow, you're lucky." "When I was a witch, just desserts was a prune." "( thunder crashes, doorbell rings )" "An old prune!" "Aunt Zelda, this is Olga and Zampano from your country in the Other Realm." "Uh-huh." "What do they want?" "Your greatness knows no bounds oh, great rincess." "Seeing you brings honor to my whole family." "I'm just guessing, but I'd say they're here to worship you." "( funky theme playing )" "Okay, just dessert, I hope you bring me praise and not just cavities." "Sabrina, you got an A on your math test!" "Hey, everyone, Sabrina got an A!" "( applause )" "Sabrina also won the invention contest or have you forgotten that?" "Not at all." "Look." ""In honor of Sabrina Spellman."" "And I didn't even have to die!" "( applause )" "Okay, okay." "Everybody, attention." "Because of the outstanding work that Sabrina has done on her schoolwork, the school board has decided that no existing grade is adequate." "So, Sabrina, we give you this:" "( choir over loudspeaker ):" "¶ Hallelujah ¶" "¶ Hallelujah... ¶" "Okay, I have to remember to be modest and humble and..." "Oh, the heck with it." "This is great!" "¶ Hallelujah ¶" "Thank you." "( Zelda moans )" "Oh, go on." "You couldn't admire all my work." "But we do, rincess." "Your face is on all our money." "We assume you shaved your beard." "LARRY:" "Ah!" "I thought I heard you, Zelda." "Ready to sign the papers?" "( majestic theme playing )" "( cheering and applause )" "You know what?" "I think I'll hold on to my country." "Well, it's your country." "It's your choice." "Right." "Of course, this means war." "What?" "Change your mind?" "No." "Neither did I." "You promised me that country, and I want it!" "Prepare to fight!" "Fine!" "Would this be a good time to discuss taxes?" "How did your just dessert turn out?" "Great." "But that little bit of acclaim has given me quite a sweet tooth." "Don't do it, Sabrina." "You're only supposed to eat one bite." "I know, I know, but a couple more won't hurt." "( munching )" "Sabrina..." "Way to eat cake!" "( dramatic theme playing )" "I can't believe I ate the whole cake." "Oh, crumb." "Whoa." "Sabrina." "The way you closed your locker, that was awesome." "Yeah, I'm thinking of going pro." "Sabrina, do that again." "Do what again?" "That thing where you let oxygen into your mouth and carbon dioxide out." "You mean breathing?" "Yes!" "That's amazing!" "( gasps ):" "There you go again!" "Oh, you know me, I'm a fool when it comes to keeping myself alive." "( majestic theme playing )" "May I?" "Zampano, you beast!" "It is mine!" "You already have her napkin!" "SALEM:" "So, milady, now that you and Emperor Larry are at war, might I suggest you leave certain strategies to Minister of Defense Saberhagen?" "No, you mightn't suggest that." "You're not my minister of defense." "You're not involved in this in any way." "Scat." "This is going to be very awkward to tell my staff." "Rincess Zelda," "I am but a simple peasant in roughly woven garments, but may I be your footstool?" "Well, okay." "But as long as you maintain your dignity." "Obviously, when Zelda said "scat,"" "she was speaking in code." "Hmm, let's see, if I translate it into Esperanto, and back into Hebrew..." "Right!" "I'm pretty sure she meant:" ""Destroy Emperor Larry" ""and all he holds dear, so Salem can rule his country."" "Give or take a letter or two." "As you all know, I was planning to give you another test today, but I've decided to skip the test and just give Sabrina the A." "Really?" "Thank you." "I even bought party hats and trail mix, so we can all celebrate Sabrina's A." "( applause )" "Hey, everybody." "They just declared peace in" "Excuse me, Sabrina got an A." "Way a minute, Sabrina got yet another A?" "And" " And I don't have a hat." "People who put fawning down just aren't getting any." "( laughs maniacally )" "I hope Emperor Larry likes this sleeping potion, because it's the last thing he'll ever taste." "( laughs maniacally )" "Salem, what are you doing?" "Um... making s'mores." "Well, don't make a mess." "I've got battles to plan, and I don't have time to clean." "Yeah, I'm making s'mores." "S'more poison for Emperor Larry!" "( laughs maniacally )" "Look!" "It's Sabrina!" "Whoo-hoo!" "( cheering and applause )" "( marching band playing music )" "What's the parade for?" "If they can have a parade honoring men who have merely walked on the moon," "I think we can have one honoring a little girl who has done her literature homework." "A letter from the Other Realm." "Zampano, you could have just brought the letter." "You didn't need to bring the scalding toaster." "Oh, it's from the Witches' Council." "They wanna have a dinner honoring my achievements in math and science." "That's wonderful." "But what is this math and science of which you speak?" "My work." "You said you admired all my work." "That we've seen so far." "Then you just adore me because you think you should, not because I deserve it." "I've got to find Emperor Larry." "( distant explosion )" "Great." "We're under attack." "This assembly was called to honor everyone who worked so hard on the walk for orphans." "I didn't know there was an assembly." "But we've decided to turn it into the first annual Sabrina Awards instead." "All right, show's over, do-gooders." "Take a seat." "Go on." "Hit it!" "( upbeat music plays )" "¶ S is 'cause ¶" "¶ She's so sublime ¶" "¶ A is 'cause ¶" "¶ She's awesome all the time ¶" "¶ B is 'cause she's ¶" "¶ The best babe in school ¶" "¶ R because she ¶" "¶ Really makes me drool ¶" "¶ And I is for ¶" "¶ The icon she's become ¶" "¶ N is 'cause she's great ¶" "¶ She makes me numb ¶" "¶ And A It's redundant to say ¶" "¶ Is the great mark She gets every day ¶" "¶ No matter how it's spelled ¶" "¶ Sabrina is unparalleled ¶" "¶ Sabrina ¶" "¶ Sabrina, Sabrina, Sabrina ¶" "¶ Sabrina-a-a-a ¶" "¶ Sa ¶ ¶ Bri ¶" "¶ Na ¶" "( cheering and applause )" "Salem, I have to get in touch with Emperor Larry." "I've made a huge mistake." "I wanted recognition." "I didn't care" "SALEM:" "Look out!" "Duck!" "Dive!" "Salem, what is going on?" "I set up a bunch of booby traps for Emperor Larry." "Remember?" "You told me to terminate with extreme prejudice." "I never said that." "Sure, nitpick." "Well, I am sure being here at the first annual Sabrina Awards means there is going to be lots of entertainment...tonight." "( coughing )" "Jeez, who writes this garbage?" "Well, that-- That would be me." "Um...it's you again." "And the nominees for Best Relaxed Sabrina Moment are:" "( peppy theme playing )" "Sabrina eating lunch." "Sabrina leafing through a magazine in Study Hall." "Sabrina humming a Phantom Planet song she heard on the radio that morning and can't get out of her head." "Sabrina at this very moment." "And the Sabrina goes to..." "Open it, open it, open it." "Oh, my goodness, the Sabrina goes to Sabrina Spellman." "( applause )" "Oh, what a beautiful award." "Um, well, the Sabrinas are such an honor, and I'd just like to share this award with everyone else nominated in this category." "( audience chuckles ) Thank you." "( applause, cheering )" "( upbeat rock theme playing )" "( explosions )" "( gunfire )" "( applause )" "So Massapequa Park is all yours." "I surrender." "( sobbing ):" "No... ( laughs )" "Excellent." "Eh, can I make a quick call?" "Certainly." "If I can get my sentry on the cell phone," "I might be able to call off that napalm attack." "Rincess Zelda, your scones are ready." "Oh, I'm so glad you're here." "I've decided to abdicate my throne." "I blame you." "No, no, no." "Look, maybe I should go to my country, and explain my decision to the rest of the population." "You mean Isadore?" "Is that the capital?" "No." "Isadore is a man." "The rest of the population, in fact." "You love him, don't you?" "Only three people live in my country?" "Yes, and despite that, parking is still a nightmare." "Come on, Sabrina." "They're about to announce another winner, and it could be you!" "Oh, I'll tell you what:" "um, why don't you go accept for me?" "Oh, boy!" "I-I'll-- I'll be sure to mention that you're for Native Americans and against fur." "Okay." "Oh, Sabrina, uh, congratulations." "( sobbing ):" "I just knew you'd win for Best Supporting Sabrina." "Gordie, you really worked hard for those orphans, didn't you?" "Well..." "Aw, heck, not as hard as you did on that Jumble this morning." "Well, I did use ink." "But..." "Well, I feel awful." "And the winner is..." "Look at this, we have a tie." "Sabrina... and Sabrina." "( cheering and applause )" "Stop it." "Stop it!" "Sit down, for crying out loud." "Look, all I wanted was a little recognition for doing a good job." "But not at the expense of those who are truly deserving." "So I'm giving all my Sabrinas to Gordie and the other do-gooders." "( scattered applause )" "What's Sabrina doing?" "This never happens at the American Music Awards." "Cue the band." "Cue the band!" "SABRINA:" "So it turns out constant praise isn't all it's cracked up to be." "From now on, all I want my hard work to bring me is a high school diploma, admittance to a good college and a high-paying job with benefits." "But that's it." "I'm sorry." "I should have been more helpful." "If I hadn't been so busy thinking about myself," "I would have remembered to tell you that good work is its own reward." "But how do I end this spell now without winning a Pulitzer for my book report?" "Hm." "Eat this and the spell will be reversed." "What is it?" "Humble pie." "Oh, it's awful!" "Oh, I'll never get the taste of humility out of my mouth." "Well, I'd love to sit and chat, but I am being honored in the Other Realm." "Finally." "Excuse me, your majesty, but it seems someone else could use a piece of humble pie." "But it was a really hard problem." "Well, all right, but just a small piece." "Zelda!" "Let me make one more plea for rethinking this surrender foolishness." "I just know Larry's rear flank is vulnerable." "Salem, as someone once said to Alexander the Great:" "have some pie." "( sobbing )" "Another C-plus?" "Yes!" "Nice work, Harvey." "B-minus." "Nice work, Valerie." "A." "Nice work, Sabrina." "Once again, you get an A, and nobody makes a big deal out of it." "Yes!" "( upbeat theme playing )" "Next time, let's try to have a nice visit without going into a state of war." "Well, it won't be as much fun, but okay." "Ooh, uh..." "I almost forgot." "For you, a horn." "Let me guess: it's weird, it makes no sense," "I don't know why I have it." "It must be a clue to the family secret." "You have got great deductive skill, Sabrina." "Maybe one day you can join one of my secret death squads." "( door closes ) Huh." "He's kind of fun for a tyrant." "Will we see him again?" "Probably at the post-war reconstruction summit." "Well, somebody has to clean up the punji sticks in our front yard." "Oh, Salem, did you get rid of all those booby traps?" "Absolutely." "What exactly happened while I was at school today?"