"[ indistinct conversations ]" "Okay, so what is this nonsense we hear about you two calling off the wedding?" "Go on." "Tell 'em what Elrond said at our rehearsal dinner." "My father won't give us his blessing." "He insists I marry my own kind." "Eddie:" "Tommy?" "Yeah?" "How far do you think it is across the aisle?" "I don't know." "Four feet?" "That's not very far." "It's a lot like these two fan bases." "I don't get it." "I mean, both of them believe in magic." "Yes." "Right?" " Defending good over evil, beards." " Yes." "Beards for sure." "I just had a crazy idea." "What if this wedding were the thing that brought these two fan bases together... a beacon?" "It'd be a new frontier." "A next generation, that's for sure." "Why can't we put aside our differences for magic we can all believe in..." "Love?" "Man:" "Hear, hear." "By the power of grayskull, let us wed!" "[ cheers and applause ]" "S01E02 I Love College [ renaissance-style version of "YMCA" plays ]" "♪ Young man ♪" "♪ there's no need to feel down ♪" "♪ I said, "young man" ♪" "♪ pick yourself off the ground ♪" "♪ I said, "young man" ♪" "♪ 'cause you're in a new town ♪" "♪ there's no need to be unhappy ♪ [ tempo quickens ]" "♪ young man ♪" "♪ there's a place you can go ♪" "♪ I said, "young man" ♪" "♪ when you're short on your dough ♪" "♪ you can stay there ♪" "♪ and I'm sure you will find ♪" "♪ many ways to have a good time ♪" "♪ it's fun to stay at the ♪" "♪ Y-M-C-A ♪" "Uh, you know what, guys?" "I'm actually gonna beam up to the bathroom, okay?" "Oh, well, um..." "We camped out two days for this." "This sucks." "No, we're getting that autograph." "♪ stay at the ♪" "♪ Y-M-C-A ♪" "♪ it's fun to stay at the ♪" "♪ Y-M-C-A ♪" "These people are too anal." "Sticklers for authenticity over things that don't even exist." "[ british accent ] Oh, that tower of mordor wedding cake isn't to scale!" "[ deep voice ] Where's the secret drawbridge?" "At least you're not a nerd magnet." "I'm being hit on more than a ball at a quidditch world cup." "[ clears throat ] Ladies." " Oh, dear." " No." "I believe the word you are looking for is "bludger."" "[ chuckles weakly ]" " It's not going to happen, minotaur." " No." "Close... centaur." "Well, nobody's gonna ride you tonight, centaur, so just gallop off." "[ crowd cheers ] [ song ends ] [ cheers and applause ]" "Nice job, Aerandir Melwasuel." "Okay." "I left my flux translator up on the bridge, so I have no idea what that means." "It's the name of your band." "Pretty sure it it's not the name of my band." "In elvish it is." "It says it on your kick drum, Nianda." "Uh, are you on the bride's side, the groom's?" "You really don't..." "you don't know?" "What am I supposed to know, that pleather is... is readily available in middle-earth?" "Excuse me, human condom?" "[ chuckling ] Yeah." "This is genuine italian space leather." " I need it to breathe up there." " Is it?" "Oh, so you're from space." "Perfect, okay." "That's good to know." "Anything that helps you breathe." "Hey, Barry, is that brunette talking to Tommy..." "Is that..." "Excelsior." "That's Alexa Stone!" "Wow." "Must be here to promote her final season of "Nebutopia."" "What is she doing flirting with Tommy?" "He doesn't even watch the show." "She should be flirting with me." "I'm the one who lost my digital virginity to her." "I'm recording this for my spank bank." "All anybody ever wants to talk to me about is my character or the show or where the map on my inner thigh leads." "Listen, as long as you have an inner thigh," "I really don't care what's on it." "Hey." "Give me your phone." "Okay." "Keep this private, though, because my fans can actually be a little obsessive." "Yeah, my fans are really obsessive, as well." " No, I'm serious." "It's not a joke." " No, I know." "All right, buddy." "I'm gonna see you later, okay?" "Okay." "See you around." "Wow." "She's hot." "That...was awesome!" "Alexa Stone just gave you her Digitalia." "[ pants ]" "Okay, that's..." "You don't... you don't have to kneel." "Thank you." "Alexa Stone is in the fanboy babe hall of fame!" "She's worked with the Sci-fecta..." "Whedon, Cameron, Raimi." "And you're gonna nail her in every portal." "Uh, well, be gentle." "Especially with portal number three." "Okay, thanks a lot, guys." "Good stuff." "Uh, I'm Wesley." "This is Doug." " We want to hire you to play a party." " What... what party?" "The one we're having on Wednesday when your dad goes to that medical conference." "Remember?" " At my house?" " No way." "If you can Kobayashi Maru Alexa Stone, you can make us cool." "So, will you try to help us get some rock-star ass?" "Listen, guys, as fun as it sounds helping you get rock-star ass, uh, we don't play parties for kids without parental consent." "Thanks for nothing!" "You know what?" "You don't deserve to find out where alexa's map leads!" "Douche!" "Douche?" "Who even uses that word anymo..." "Stop it." "Don't spock me." "I am not spocking you." "You're spocking me right now." "You're doing the eyebrow thing." "Come on." "It took those kids a lot of courage to come up here and ask you that." "They chose you, just like the ring chose frodo." "Stevie:" "And you shot them down," "Just like every girl in high school." "I didn't choose to be chosen." "Well, that's how it works." "The chosen doesn't choose to be chosen." "It's not your choice." "So, I have no choice in the matter?" "No." "We will play that party." "Alexa:" "[ moaning ] Oh, yeah." "Oh, yeah." "Oh, yeah." "Oh, god!" "Oh!" "The map's not real!" "[ breathing heavily ]" "Sorry." "What?" "Oh, my god." "I can't believe I just revealed that." "Revealed what?" "I was just down there." "There's no map." "No." "No." "That's the way the series finale ends." "[ chuckling ] Oh, my god." "I have been keeping that inside for six seasons." "Oh, yeah!" "That feels so good." " Yeah?" " Ooh, thank you for not watching the show." "Sure." "Ooh." "Okay." "What does that mean?" "What does that mean, "the map..." "the map isn't real"?" "Why are you so stuck on this?" "You don't even watch the show." "Tommy, I'm giving you all access to portal number three." "Okay, but I smell a cop-out." "That's all." " Excuse me?" " No, no, no." "Not the portal, the... the ending." "That's... it's..." "it's a cop-out." "Okay." "It's symbolic, Tommy." "Right?" "We're all in search of our utopia." "Do we ever get there?" "Of course not." " Right." " But it's the journey that counts." "The journey that..." "you know what?" "That's what I hate about sci-fi." "It I loved a show for six years and that was the ending I got," "You know how pissed off..." "See, it's..." "that's the problem." "It is." "You... you start the show off well, and they somehow paint themselves into a black hole and you got to pull the whole," ""oops, the whole thing is made up."" "You know what?" "They..." "they don't have an ending." "That's the problem." "It's like who shot J.R." "[ sighs ]" "Who?" "No frakking way." "Alexa Stone did the intergalactic walk of shame from your place?" "Barry, you want to settle down?" "I don't do details." "You know that." "You know, I will tell you this, though." " What?" " It might save you a year of your life." "What is it?" "What is she?" "What is it?" "The map isn't real." "Wha..." "[ wheezing ]" "Noooooo!" "The map to Nebutopia is not real?" "!" "Alexa Stone told you this?" "Stevie:" "Barry!" "Barry!" "Shh!" "Take it easy, man!" "It only takes one person to post that on the internet, whole thing gets blown out of whack." "Eddie:" "Speaking of blowing things," "I totally blew it with Ingrid last night." " How?" " I gave her a compliment." "How'd you blow a compliment?" "I compared her to her mom." "Never mention the mom." "Or ass, actually." "I'd say ass first, then mom." "I just wish I had relationship tivo, 'cause I could, like, tape it, go back, show her the whole conversation, and then she'd see how it was taken out of context and she was wrong." "You should do that, bro!" " Do what?" " Tape it!" "No, you shouldn't." "I mean, your house is already like a "c.S.I."" "I mean, you have enough taps in there for a gregory hines retrospective." "Eddie, don't." "Don't, uh, no." "Don't wiretap your wife." "I kind of like this idea, actually." "You're married, man." "Shouldn't you be done playing games?" "No." "When you get married, the games don't end." "You just go to the next level." "It's like "world of warcraft."" "Eddie, you're no Brasco." " I could be Brasco." " He could be Brasco." " I could totally brasco." " Yeah." "Hey, isn't that the kid from the space needle con?" "Your move, chosen one." "Doug, right?" " Hey." " Yeah." "What's up, man?" "What are you doing here?" " Uh, I'm here with my dad." " What happened to your face?" "Apparently, Wesley and I picked a fight with garth." "Garth?" "Yeah, 'cause that's logical, right?" "Two kids with the highest GPA pick a fight with the star quarterback." " You did?" " No, but he convinced the principal of it." "And now we have a two-day suspension." "Why don't you tell your dad what really happened?" "'cause he's busy planning" "His medical conference Wednesday night." "Hmm." "Right." "And you wanted us to play your party on Wednesday night." "Uh, don't worry." "We're not having a party." "So sad." "Look, it's not that sad." "Okay, well, after many applications," "Dr. Hardington has finally secured FDA approval for a medical breakthrough." "Crotchkies." "Oh, what are..." "what are crotchkies?" "Prosthetic testicles." " Ooh." " Ooh." "Wow!" "I can't even tell the difference." "That is amazing." "Rachel, squeeze one." " No." " Wow!" "Oh, my gosh." "These are gonna make great stress balls." "[ laughs ]" "So much of being a man is taking shots at each other's manhood." "You know, terms like "sack up," "grow a pair."" "Oh, yeah, "grab life by the chin pounders."" "[ clicks tongue ] Chin pounders." "Right, guys?" "[ chuckles ]" "Now imagine walking into a room after you've lost one or both." "[ sniffs ]" "What would that do to your confiden..." "Your con... your confidence?" "Mm." "You'll be okay." "So, your job, as the band," "Is to bring testosterone rock to this party..." "This, uh, crotchkies launch on Wednesday." " On Wednesday?" " Uh-huh. 8:00." "Yeah, Wednesday." "Eddie." "[ snaps fingers ]" " Hey, you okay?" " Yeah." "No, right now, with the itch?" "You know, Janie and..." "and the lice thing at school," "I just want to make sure it's not..." "Oh, yeah." "Yeah." "'cause that's what they probably are..." "lice." "Stevie:" "Oh, great, Eddie." "I was playing chicken fight with Janie all day." "Ohh!" "Yeah, and I'm wearing gibby's baseball hat!" "Oh!" "Okay!" "Oh, gosh!" "Okay, guys, guys, guys." "You can just... you can go." "Go get that taken care of." "We will find a different band." "Go." "Go." "Go." "Get out!" "Uhh." "I don't think lice is in season." "[ chuckles ]" "Doug... [ sighs ]" "We're gonna play your party." "[ squeals ]" "Mm." "Mnh-mnh." "You got yourself a band, kid." "We're gonna make you cool." "[ muffled squeal ]" "Okay, dweeblings." "This is a map of your school district, right?" "My intel tells me that there's no other parties Wednesday, so we can expect a maximum turnout of 10,000." "However, your popularity polls indicate we can expect a minimum turnout of three." "Barry's intel works part-time at guitar pit." " Just so you know." " Okay." "Hot tip." "Hire a maid service for the morning, before your dad gets home, okay?" "My dad gets back at 11:30." "[ chuckling ] Whoa." "We can't have a hard out on the rager of the year." "We're gonna have to find another new venue." "Eddie, uh, Ingrid's taking the kids to her mom's, right?" " Uh, sidebar, gentlemen?" "Please." " Sidebar already?" "Are you out of your mind?" "Throwing a party at my house while Ingrid's out of town with underage drinkers?" " Are you crazy?" "!" " It's not real alcohol." "We'll just pretend like it's real alcohol." "Come on, eddie." "You said it yourself." "these kids need this." "I need this." "I don't really need this." "Can we get on with it?" "All right." "No underage drinkers," "And I get the maid service." " Done." " Okay." "Okay, we're good." "Uh, party's on at Eddie's house." "I have..." "I have one more request." "Uh, we've liked these two girls for quite some time, and, uh, our stargate to get with them is kind of closing." "What he means is, can you help us lose our virginity?" "Barry:" "Whoa." "Whoa." "Whoa." "I've been working on a cure for virginity for quite some time, and I think I'm pretty close to cracking it." "What's your sitch?" "Well, Wesley's girl doesn't know he exists, and, um, she has a boyfriend." "Tommy:" "It's okay." "We can turn that negative into a positive," " Because women like mystery." " That's right." "We just got to get her to start asking questions like," "You know, "who is this guy?"" " "And why is he not on top of me?"" " Yes!" ""Or behind me?" "Or scissoring me?"" "Minors." "Minors." "Thank god, you know, Jenna knows I exist." "That's because Doug's her tutor." "Yeah, but we don't just talk about math, you know." "She tells me all her problems." "You're her emotional tampon." "I'm not her tampon." "Yeah, but you bought them for her once." "Tell 'em." "I'm just not into playing games." "Kid, if you want to get past the friendship hurdles, you're gonna have to play some games." "Barry:" "Eddie..." "Speaking of games..." "Let's roll." "My god." "Do you really need this much tape?" "[ sighs ] This is exciting." "It's like when we were kids, that time I recorded you." "Wait, what?" "When?" "Okay, if you feel the heat, just say "fugazi,"" "and I'll run in." "Fugazi." "All right." "I got it." "Don't "f" this up." "♪ wherever you go ♪" "Well, hello, there." "Wow, honey." "What is this for?" "Well, I didn't want to go away tomorrow with us still holding on to silly things like the mom comment." "Yeah!" "Yes!" "Totally." "It was taken out of context, right?" "Well, let's not revisit that, shall we?" "[ stammers ]" "Let me j..." "let me just go upstairs and get into something more sexy so we can, you know..." "Okay, um, we don't have an upstairs." "so, what's up?" " Nothing." "Nothing's up." "I'm fine." " Really?" "I'm a detective, so I know your tells." "I know you're a detective, but I'm not even doing anything." " Nothing." " Oh, well, then, you should have absolutely..." " No!" "No!" "Fugazi!" "Fugazi!" "Fugazi!" " Fugazi!" "[ tires screech ]" "Why is Barry driving off in our Sienna?" "Just Barry being Barry." "I don't know what he's doing." "What is going on with you?" "!" "What..." "A wife-tap?" "[ chucking ] Okay, this..." "I can really..." "I can explain this." "Uh-huh." "Our little miscommunication last night, um, I said, "you have your mom's genes," right?" "I know." "I remember it verbatim." "Yes, and that's such a nice thing for me to say because your mom, she's aging so well." " Okay." " And it's not like I said, "mom's big, fat ass."" " Whoa!" " No!" "No!" "No!" "So now I have my mom's giant ass?" "!" "No, it's not like I said because that would be..." "God, your mom's ass is fat and bad, and yours is good and beautiful and it's... oh!" "Buddy." "You're no Brasco." "Aaaaaaaaaah!" "Just use your second finger, right, to tap the third fret, right?" "And just tap it." "See what I mean?" "♪ c, c-d-a, a-g ♪ [ both laugh ] That's it." ""Shut up and let me go," the ting tings... you got it." " Cool." " Yeah." "Yeah." "Yeah." " Can I ask your advice on something?" " Yeah, what's up?" " I want to break up with my boyfriend." " You sure you want my advice, not a girlfriend's or your mom's or something?" "No, everybody loves Garth." "Garth, huh?" "Yeah." "He's going around telling everyone how much sex we have." "Oh!" "Right." "Okay." "Oh, we've never even done it." "Mm." "Right." "You know what?" "I don't trust guys like that." "If I dated Garth, I'd dump his ass." "Yeah, but he's a Q.B." "I mean, what if he doesn't handle losing well?" "Then your play our song for him..." ""Shut up and let me go."" "Hey." "[ chords play ]" "Right. [ chuckles ]" "Both:" "♪ Shut up and let me go ♪" "Hey!" "[ both laugh ]" "I didn't cancel my credit card." "I did..." "that doesn't even make..." "Why would I be calling you right now if I canceled my credit card?" "[ dial tone ] Hello?" "[ knocking on door ]" "Yeah?" " Hi!" " Hi." "Did you tell somebody the plot twist?" " No." " No?" " Barry, my drummer." " Why?" "Oh, okay." "Well, somebody overheard, because it broke on nin-yon-yok this morning." " What is nin-yon..." " Nin-yon-yok is our biggest fan site." "Now it's all over the internet." "Can I call this site?" "I don't want to hurt your reputation or anything." "No, I'm not worried about my reputation." "I'm worried about you." "You are the bartman of sci-fi." "What does that mean?" "That means that you are intergalactic enemy number one, Tommy, and this blogger is gonna rally all of those angry fans." "So what?" "They're nerds." "What are they gonna do to me?" "Mm-hmm." "Hey, Tommy?" "Hey, how are your credit cards?" "They all good?" " Well, not this one..." " Your phone, is that good, too?" "Right." "What are you doing?" "Okay, are you serious?" "Are you trying to get laid, or do you want to sell this house?" "What is this?" "You said get food." "This is quiches." "Keep your head in the game." "Women love mystery, right?" " Stevie:" "Right." " The more quiet you are, the more mysterious you become." "How do I get her to ditch her boyfriend, though?" "What you need is a rock-star moment." "You play an instrument?" " I'm a drummer in the marching band." " Drop "marching band."" "And from now on, your name's no longer "Wesley."" "Yeah, Wesley's a dude who drives a bus." " You're Wes." " Wes." "You're Wes." "You're a pro surfer." "You wrestle sharks." " You're into whaling." " I don't even know how to swim." "Doogie, we got to get over this friend hurdle tonight." "You got to stop doing favors for Jenna." "But that's my angle." "You know, if I don't, some other guy will swoop in." "Not according to Benjamin Franklin." "The founding father?" "Oh, yeah." "The founding father of tapping' tush." "Before Big Ben discovered things like democracy, lightning bolts, and the french, he discovered something much bigger..." "Women like it when they do favors for you." "Slippy, somehow you got these mixed up in your box of costco crap." "Oh, these are my dad's crotchkies!" "He needed these for tonight!" "Well, you might want to hide 'em somewhere so your friends don't see 'em." "Guess who made vodka jello shots." "Hey, awesome." " Lots of alcohol in these, I bet, huh?" " Yeah, a full bottle." "That is so great." "Great." "You'd better go." "We got lots of people coming." "Brush those teeth!" "People coming!" "People coming!" "Stevie, Stevie." "Take these and dump them over my neighbor's fence." "It's okay." "They have an alcoholic dog, so it should be fine." "Sad." "So, you don't think he's gonna notice that those are gone?" "It's all right." "We'll make our own." "I got two kids with a $100-a-month jello habit." " We should be okay." " So, um..." "We have virgin jello shots, four kegs of non-alcoholic beer." "This is gonna be the dopest placebo party this school district has ever seen, my friend." "Okay." "I just had the check-in call with Ingrid." "We should be covered for the whole night." "Barry, she's got to get those surveillance headphones back," "Like, soon." "No way, brother." "Those are beats by dr." "Dre." "I paid for 'em with my tax dollars." "I got to say, guys," "I'm kind of fired up for this party." "Stevie, you?" " Yeah." " Good." "[ doorbell rings ] Tommy:" "It's only 7:30." "Who shows up at a party this early?" "Yo, yo, yo!" "The party don't start till I walk in." " I brought you a pie." " Doug:" "Thanks." "Is this a practical joke?" "Uh, no." "Your sweater vest is." "Who is this?" "It's Nolan." "He goes to my school." "And you're the dude who ruined "Nebutopia."" "Hold on a second." "You're that..." "you're that cyber guy, right?" "The one that froze my accounts?" "That's you?" "No, but I might have suggested it to a few people." "I smell jello shots." "Ooh." " Do you want him to leave?" " No." "No." "No." "You guys are gonna win those girls over." "I'm gonna win him over." "Okay?" "We're gonna do this as a team." "I'm gonna go in strong." "All right." "Settle down." "If Nolan is any indication of tonight's turnout," "We gonna have to go viral." "Spread this wide." "Gentlemen?" "Commence your tweeting." "Wesley:" "I think I can probably get 20 people" " by the end of the night." " Yeah." "[ camera shutter clicks ]" "Did you just take a picture of me?" "No." "[ "I love college" plays ]" "Tommy:" "Who's nice right now?" "Who feels good?" "If you have a drink," "Would you please put it in the air." "♪ That party last night was awfully crazy ♪" "♪ I wish we taped it ♪" "♪ I danced my ass off ♪" "♪ and had this one girl completely naked ♪" "♪ drink my beer and smoke my weed ♪" "♪ but my good friends is all I need ♪" "♪ pass out at 3:00 ♪" "♪ wake up at 10:00 ♪" "♪ go out to eat then do it again ♪" "♪ I want to go to college for the rest of my life ♪" "♪ sip banker's club and drink miller lite ♪" "♪ on thirsty Thursday and Tuesday night ice ♪" "♪ and I can get pizza a dollar a slice ♪" "♪ so fill up my cup, let's get messed up ♪" "♪ I'm next on the table, who want what?" "♪" "♪ I am champion at beer pong ♪" "♪ Allen Iverson, Hakeem Olajuwon ♪" "♪ Don't even bounce, not in my house ♪" "♪ better hope you make it, otherwise you naked ♪" "♪ time isn't wasted when you're getting wasted ♪" "♪ woke up today and all I could say is ♪" "♪ um, that party last night was awfully crazy ♪" "♪ I wish we taped it ♪" "♪ I wish we taped it ♪" "♪ I danced my ass off ♪" "♪ and had this one girl completely naked ♪" "♪ drink my beer and smoke my weed ♪" "♪ but my good friends is all I need ♪" "♪ pass out at 3:00 ♪" "♪ wake up at 10:00 ♪" "♪ go out to eat, then do it again ♪" "♪ man, I love college ♪" "Hey!" "Hey!" "♪ I love drinking ♪" "Hey!" "Hey!" "♪ I love women ♪" "Hey!" "Hey!" "♪ and I love college ♪ [ cheers and applause ]" "Pizza guy!" " Pizza guy!" " I'm so wasted!" "[ chuckles ] I think I might be, too." "The party's happenin'." "But they are not." "Calling in the ringer." "I knew it." "I knew you didn't have lice." "Thanks to you," "I've been in the office bagging stuff all day." "Are you in or not?" "Desperately." "Careful." ""Nebutopia" fans." "They're the soccer hooligans of the sci-fi world." "[ sighs ]" " Hey!" " Aah!" "Nerd bowling." "[ rock music playing ]" "And I can't stop talking..." " Hey, Stevie." "Hey." " Oh, Sierra." "[ chuckles ]" "What are you doing here?" "I got a tweet, and it wasn't lying'." "This party is killer." "It is." "What happened with, uh, Garth?" " Uh, we broke up." " Good." "The ting tings had the right idea." "Good deal." "Nice." "Wait, why are you here?" "Doug and wes hired my band." "We're playing this party." "Who?" "Doug and um..." "Doug!" "Doug and Wes!" "Come." "Come here." "Come, meet my friends." "Doug." " Oh, you know each other?" " Yeah." "Yeah." "Do I smell jello shots?" " Yes." " Let's get wasted!" " Wasted?" " Come on!" "Right." "[ chuckles ] Hey." "This turnout is huge." "Yeah, me and Wes rock it like this frequently." "You never mentioned these parties while you were tutoring me." "It's because he was so wasted he forgot." "Still, it'd be nice to be invited." "Oh, my god!" "Totally, uh, spaced." " Great party!" " Tell you what." " Can I get you, uh..." " [ coughing ] Ben Franklin." "...to do me a favor?" "Uh, grab me a beer?" "Sure." "Totally." "[ chuckles ]" "I forgot to invite Jenna?" "!" "She's the entire reason for this party!" "She must think I'm an idiot." "No!" "No!" "It's the opposite, man." "Look, not inviting her has got her wondering, like, "oh, my god." "Why is he not thinking about me?"" "You did it." "You cleared the first hurdle!" "Come on." "How's it feel?" " Revolutionary." " Yes!" "I know you from somewhere." "Calculus class!" "Oh, yeah." "That's me." "What'd you think of today's homework?" " Mystery." " 'cause I'm not gonna do it at all." " Yeah, me neither." " Give him space, dude." "Just let him kind of work his magic with this girl." " What, Sierra?" " That's the girl he's been talking about." "This is the one he wants to lose his virginity to." "Cut it out, dude!" "That's not..." "She's one of my bass students." "No... oh, no." "No." "No." "look, I don't think this is a good idea, man." "'cause, look, one, she just broke up with her boyfriend, right?" "So, she's really vulnerable." " You're sure?" " Yeah, she just told me." "I just asked her a second ago, and she..." "Okay." "All right." "They're teenagers." "A lot happens fast." "♪ I'm a prositute ♪" "♪ get some ♪" "Showtime." "♪ Dayi-da-dum da-da-da ♪" "♪ dayi-da-dum da ♪" "♪ dayi-da-dum da-da-da ♪" "♪ dayi-da-dum da ♪" "♪ You've got the sweetest ass in the world ♪" "♪ you've got the sweetest ass in the world ♪" "♪ you've got the sweetest ass in the world ♪" "Say "hi, Rachel." then kiss me on the cheek." " Hi, Rachel." " Hi, Rachel." " Follow me." " Okay." "I just can't believe Garth kissed me." "I mean, we broke up." "I'm so grossed out." "Rachel:" "Excuse me, ladies." "I'm gonna need some time with these boys." "10 minutes, maybe?" "Who is that girl with Doug?" "I don't know, but she's definitely not in high school." "I can't believe that's the same guy from my calculus class." "[ chuckles ]" "What are we doing?" "Just gonna hang out in here and wait for your stock to rise." "Oh, uh, how high do you think it'll rise?" "When you open that door, people are going to be asking you questions, and they're gonna be really nice to you." "Okay, so..." "so, what do we say?" "Nothing, boys." "You just smile." "Trust me." "Nothing you can say will top what they think I'm actually doing to you in here." "[ chuckles ]" "♪ Grew up in a nice neighborhood ♪" "Hey!" "You are hard to pin down." "You know, hosting." "I noticed." "So, who's your friend?" "[ chuckles ]" "Sorry." "None of my business." "Oh, no, no, no, no." "You've cleared hurdle number two." "You're doing good, buddy." "But I think I hurt her feelings." "Shut up, all right?" "You're getting her to feel differently about you." "Just keep playing the game." "You good?" "Now, go tap that ass like Ben Franklin." "There you go." "What can I get you, pal?" "How about six years of my life back?" "I have jello shots, and I have beer." "When I get drunk, I get angry." "[ chuckles ]" "Hey." "You're everywhere, aren't you?" "[ chuckles ] Tell you where I'm not." "Doing calc homework." "Uh, what's your poison?" "Um, all you have is beer, right?" "Yeah, it was just an expression." "Uh, during prohibition, they would make gin in bathtubs, and they'd be lead-paint bathtubs, so that when they..." "Are you kidding me?" "What about a brewski?" "[ chuckles ] Thanks." "I'll check you later." "Okay." "See you around." " Keep it real." " Yeah." "[ exhales sharply ]" "Alexa, you want to come to a party?" "[ laughter ]" "Look." "I talked to your dad." " About what?" " Us." "We both think you're making a big mistake." "Look at this..." "this kid." "This Garth kid." "He's becoming a problem." "Look, people are watching, uh..." "I think we should get back together." "Now." "We got to get her away from that jackass." "All right." "What's the play?" "I say we put some crotchkies in his beer." "[ gasps ] Or Wes' rock-star moment." "Hold on." "Hold on." "You know, I don't want to confuse Sierra's emotions." "Plus, I'm not Wes' pimp." "Well, it's between Wesley and Garth, man." "I get it, though." "It's confusing." "They're both nice guys," "Both deserve the best, want love." "All right." "Got it." "Got it." " All right." " Do it for the nerds." "Hey, um, anyone in the house bang the drums?" "Drummers out there?" "Eddie:" "Drummers?" "Drummer?" "Stevie:" "Drummers?" "Drummer?" "In the back..." "Wes." "Hey, come on up here." " Come on, man." " Come on, Wes." "The man, the man." "Give it up for Wes, everybody!" "[ applause ]" " You know Wes." " There he is." "Wes." "All right." " Treat 'em nice." " Here we go." "You ready?" "[ exhales sharply ] [ drumsticks tap ]" "[ "shut up and let me go" plays ]" "Yow!" "♪ Hey!" "♪" "Hey!" "Garth, I want to watch this." "♪ Shut up and let me go ♪" "♪ this hurts, I tell you so ♪" "♪ for the last time, you will kiss my lips ♪" "♪ now shut up and let me go ♪" "♪ your jeans were once so clean ♪" "♪ I bet you changed your wardrobe since we met ♪" "♪ now oh, so easily you're over me ♪" "♪ gone is love it's you that ought to be holding me ♪" "♪ I'm not containable ♪" "♪ this love now, it's not sustainable ♪" "♪ I ain't freakin', I ain't fakin' this ♪" "♪ I ain't freakin', I ain't fakin' this ♪" "♪ I ain't freakin', I ain't fakin' this ♪" "♪ shut up and let me go, hey!" "♪" "♪ I ain't freakin', I ain't fakin' this ♪" "♪ I ain't freakin', I ain't fakin' this ♪" "♪ I ain't freakin', I ain't fakin' this ♪" "♪ shut up and let me go, hey!" "♪" "Seriously." "Who is this Wes guy?" "[ cheers and applause ]" "Wes!" "The name's Wes!" "No "ley" at the end!" "[ siren wails ] The cops are here!" " The cops are here!" " Grab the gear!" " It's your house!" " Hide the booze!" "Eddie!" "It's not real alcohol!" "It doesn't matter!" "I'm so busted." "Ingrid's a cop!" "Eddie, it's not real alcohol!" "Calm down!" "Eddie:" "Hide..." "everyone hide the food!" "It's not real beer, officers." "No [chuckles] seriously." "Mr. Wilson?" "Ingrid's husband?" "Yeah?" "We met at the policeman's ball." "Yes!" "Yes!" "Officer..." "Figgins and..." "Sanchez?" "[ chuckling ] Yeah." "What's going on?" "Yeah, hey." "[ chuckles ]" "Can you guys do me a favor?" "They know it's your party, Doug." "Yeah." "They want to talk to you." "Listen, the way I see it, this could go one of two ways, all right?" "They're either gonna come in here and they're gonna break this up..." "Or you convince them to keep it going." "This is a stargate of an opportunity." "So, like, after this, I can ask her out?" "No." "You tell her out." "That is confidence." "Confidence." "[ clears throat ] [ exhales slowly ]" "I got this." "Does he have this?" " We'll see." " Maybe." "[ indistinct conversation ]" " Figgins:" "All right, kid." " Doug:" "Yeah?" "Yeah?" "Come on." "Yeah, come right in here." "Nolan:" "Wow!" "Doug did it!" "He's giving the cops beer!" "[ indistinct shouting ]" "Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa." "Hey." "[ chuckling ] Sierra." " What's wrong." " I am so embarrassed." "Everyone's here." "Everyone knows." "Slow down." "Knows what?" "Knows what?" "Garth got into my phone." "He sent himself a make-up sext pretending it was from me, promising I'd do anything in bed if he'd take me back." "Anything like what?" "Like guatemalan tire treads, bedouin goggles," "Delaware slide, pyongyang piggy back." "Man, there is a generation gap." "Whoa." "And it doesn't matter if I take him back." "Either way, I look like a total skank." "Okay, okay." "Take it easy." "Take it easy." "I'm gonna go have a little talk with Garth, huh?" "Try to straighten things out." "You just stay right..." "Or Wes is gonna talk to Garth." "You wrote that sext." "Admit it." "Or what, Wesley?" "You gonna challenge me to a spelling bee?" "The name's Wes." "And how pathetic do you have to be to bully someone as nice as sierra?" "So Sierra didn't send the sext." "I did it." "I also called the cops." "But who's gonna believe you, huh?" "These people are only your friends tonight." "Tomorrow, you're just a geek." "And my license plate will still say "Q.B. One."" "Now shut it and get me a drink." "Okay." "Do you mind finishing that one first?" "I just..." "I like to recycle." "Oh, by the way." "That's not ice you're chewing on." "Those are prosthetic testicles." "[ chuckles ]" "You like sucking balls." "That's it." "You're dead." "What?" " What's under your shirt?" " Nothing." " You're wearing a wire?" " Fugazi!" "Fugazi!" " Did you get it?" " Oh, yeah." "I got it." "Ha!" "In your face!" "Wait." "Ladies and gentle..." "Uh, I mean, teens, listen to this." "Garth:" "So, Sierra didn't send the sext." "I did it." " Oh, my god!" " I also called the cops." "But who's gonna believe you, huh?" "[ all murmuring ]" "Wesley:" "Oh, by the way." "That's not ice you're chewing on." "Those are prosthetic testicles." "And it looks like tomorrow's not gonna go exactly as planned." "Barry: [ chanting ] Garth sucks crotchkies." "All: [ chanting ] Garth sucks crotchkies!" "Garth sucks crotchkies!" "Garth sucks crotchkies!" "Garth sucks crotchkies!" "Garth sucks crotchkies!" "[ laughter ]" "You wore a wire for me?" "Who are you?" "Wes." "And that's how you do Brasco." "You did it, buddy." "We have company." "We have company." " Company." "Company." " Rutherford." "Rutherford." "Yo!" "Yo!" "Yo!" "It's a hottie with a body!" "Let's get crunk!" " Hey." " Hey." "So, you played hooky, faked lice to throw a kegger for my client's underage son." "I mean, am I the only adult here?" "'cause... [chuckles]" " Uh, the beer was non-alcoholic." " Ah." "And they're actually jell-"no" shots." " Really?" " Yeah." "Well, then why is "cen-terd" over there dry-humping a lamp?" "I mean, he's... he's..." "I..." "He can't hold his sugar." "Who tipped you off about the party anyway?" "Ah, ha ha." "I follow Barry's twitter." " You do?" " Yes, I do," "Because it's like having my own informant for free." " Thank you, Barry." " Nice." "Dude." "I need to find Doug and get him home before his dad gets back." "Where is he?" "He's got one last friendship hurdle to take care of." " Come on." " Let's just clear that sucker." "[ sighs ] Who is she?" "[ clears throat ] You?" "[ snaps fingers ]" "Come here." "What's your name?" "Jenna." "You got plans Saturday night, Jenna?" "Oh, well..." "Well, now you do, because Doug here had the crotchkies to get my band to blow off his father's big event because he had to throw a party for you." "[ chuckles ]" "So, Saturday night, you pick her up, 8:00." "You wear something tight, no bra." "Unh-unh!" "Save it for the date." "She'll jump you like a tijuana carjacker." " Oh, hey." " Snap." "Excuse us." "Sorry." "[ clears throat ]" "What's up turtle?" "Wasn't the turtle 6" tall." "You've got a nice body to you." "Ooh, my old nemesis." "Ohh!" "Hurt me all you want, Tommy, but strike me down, and I will become even more powerful...online." "Tommy:" "Are you kidding me?" " Greetings, Nolan." " It's you!" "Or is this a trick and she's a hologram?" "Nun-unh!" "Mnh-mnh." "The real turtle's passed out in the back." "It's her." "[ vomits ]" "I needed to speak to you, Nolan." "But coming in disguise was the only way." "Do you recognize that callback?" "Yes!" "Season three!" ""The face peeler" episode!" " That's the one!" " Oh, my god!" " Oh, my god!" " Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah!" " He's having a nerd-gasm." " His head's gonna explode." " You still ruined the ending." " No, hey." "Look at me." "I actually spoke to the producers, and that helped us come up with a better ending." "Yeah?" "And we have a huge announcement to make tomorrow at San Diego Comic-Con," "But I will give you the exclusive tonight if you want it." " Yes." " You want it?" " Yes." " Tell me that you want it." "Yes, my nebutopian warrioress." "Okay, but you need to call off your minions, okay?" "Cyber bullying is not the way of the nin-yon-yok people, Nolan." "That makes me sad." "You need to forgive Tommy, okay?" "That's a butterfly." "[ fanfare plays ]" "Ah, ah." "Ooh, ah, ah, ah." "Thank you." "[ thud ]" "Wow." "That's actually how I neuralize people on my show." " I can't believe that that worked." " Unbelievable." "That's commitment." "You know that you're indebted to me forever, right?" " And I'm collecting right now." " Oh, well, okay." "I have five minutes before I have to leave for San Diego Comic-Con." "Okay." "Uh-huh." "Have you ever been Kobayashi Marued?" "I don't think so, that's, uh... ah!" "Oh, no." "That's never... [ clears throat ]" "Ooh, okay." "Just be careful with my portals." "That is going in my wank bank." "[ indistinct conversations ]" "Whoa!" "Whoa!" "Dude!" "Dude!" "Dude!" "Whoa." "What?" "Who jumped you?" "Was it... was it Garth?" "No." "No." "No." "No." "No." "I Kobayashi Marued with Alexa." " You are the chosen one." " I shouldn't sit." "I shouldn't, 'cause I feel..." "I taste copper." "'cause if I nap..." "Everybody, Eddie's doing a keg stand!" " Check it out!" " Eddie!" "Go, eddie!" "All: [ chanting ] Keg stand!" "Keg stand!" "Keg stand!" "Keg stand!" "Keg stand!" "Keg stand!" "Ingrid!" "Ingrid!" "Ingrid!" "Ingrid's here!" "Eddie: [ muffled ] Oh, no." "Ingrid!" "Ingrid!" "Hey!" "Hi!" "It's officer Figgins and Sanchez from the policeman's ball." "What are you doing here?" "Yeah, uh, the kids have lice, so we came home early." "It's a nice party." "Great keg stand, honey." " Thanks." " Yeah." "[ tires screech ]" "And why is Barry driving off with our kids still in the minivan?" "Just Barry being Barry." "[ theme music playing ]" "Yeah." "[ laughter ]" "We good?" "We happy?" "The map's real?" "Very." "Whoa." "Hold on." "Hold on." "It's not over yet." "[ chuckles ]" "What?" "The universe is not real?" "!" "Barry, Barry." "It is." "It is." "It just exists inside of a magic 8-ball for no reason whatsoever." "Total cop-out." "That's why I hate sci-fi." "Easily the second-worst ending to a tv show ever." "What's the first?" "[ scoffs ] Isn't it obvious?" " "Seinfeld."" " Barry:" "The universe is not real?" "!" "[ echoing ] Noooooo!"