"In the last episode of Soap," "Elaine was kidnapped and therefore has disappeared." "Eunice and Dutch, in order to disappear from the police, have disappeared to a farm." "Burt and Mary still haven't talked, and so their suspicions about each other haven't disappeared, and Chester, who still doesn't know who he is, has just up and disappeared." "Confused?" "You won't be after this week's episode of..." "This is the story of two sisters," "Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell." "These are the Tates... and these are the Campbells." "And this is Soap." "[SHOUTING AND ARGUING]" ""We have your wife." ""Don't call police," ""or you'll never see her alive again." "You will be notified of our plans."" "I can't believe it." "I just can't believe it." "I mean, why would anybody want to kidnap Elaine?" "The money, Burt, they'd do it for the money." "Danny, I know that, but why us?" "We don't have any money." "There's only one thing to do." "Who are you calling?" "The police." "No, Ma, we can't call the police." "Didn't you read what the note said?" ""Do not call the police."" "Danny, come on, what'd you expect them to write?" ""We've got your wife." "Please call the police."" "Hey, what is all the racket in here?" "Do you guys know what time it is?" "Chuck, there's a reason why we're all up." "Yeah, well, this had better be good." "Elaine has been kidnapped." "And?" "And?" "What do you mean, "and"?" "How can you say, "and"?" "Come on." "Read." "Hey, Dan, I'm sorry." "Listen, why don't I go down and make us all some coffee or something, huh?" "Good idea, Chuck." "Hey, listen, don't worry, Dan." "I mean, after a couple of days with Elaine, they'll pay you to take her back." "Danny, we have got to call the police." "Wait a minute." "[TELEPHONE RINGING]" "Hello." "Mr. Lefkowitz?" "It's Elaine's father." "Mr. Lefkowitz, I'm afraid that I have some very bad news." "We have a little..." "Hmm?" "No, business is good." "What, hey, couldn't be better." "All right." "Mr. Lefkowitz," "Elaine..." "That's terrific." "Good old Reggie." "Reggie?" "Reggie?" "Reggie who?" "He put the Yankees in the series." "He made a fortune." "Give me that phone!" "Mr. Lefkowitz, this is Danny." "Mr. Lefkowitz, I have some terrible news." "Elaine has been kidnapped." "That is the terrible news." "You know?" "He knows." "The kidnappers called him first." "How much?" "250,000 bucks?" "That's almost a quarter of a million dollars." "What?" "What do you mean you won't pay it?" "He won't pay it?" "But she's your own..." "Yeah, but Mr. Lef..." "No, but..." "Listen, listen, you rotten, scum-sucking pig..." "I'm going to come over there and rip your brains out!" "Listen." "Why did you do that?" "Danny, he's a gangster." "He could kill you." "How are you going to keep Elaine alive if you're dead?" "Okay, okay, but if he doesn't pay," "Elaine doesn't stand a chance." "Now, where are we going to get that kind of money?" "Danny, I have some money put away." "It's yours." "And I figure we can borrow maybe, what, $25,000, and then we can bargain them down a couple of hundred thousand dollars." "Don't worry, Danny." "We'll get her back." "[TELEPHONE RINGING]" "That's the phone, that's the phone!" "What did you do with the phone?" "Look." "Up there!" "Yeah." "Yeah, this is him." "It's them." "Paper, pencil." "Come on." "Pencil, pencil." "Pencil." "Paper, paper." "Paper, paper." "[COOLLY] Yeah, I've got a pencil." "Go ahead." "[DICE ROLLING]" "Boardwalk!" "I don't want it." "You're not going to buy Boardwalk?" "No." "Why?" "When you put a hotel on it, and I land there," "I'll have to pay a fortune." "No, you won't." "I won't charge you." "Ma, that's against the rules." "Mrs. Tate..." "Mrs. Tate, what is going on here?" "Monopoly." "No, no, no, that's not what I mean." "I'm upstairs cleaning your bathroom, and a guy walks out of the shower fully dressed." "Oh, that must be Detective Donohue." "Well, what is he doing here?" "Looking for Chester." "Well, I think if Mr. Tate was in the shower, we would have found him by now." "I'd say it was my most difficult case." "First of all, the body was in seven different states... arm in Alabama, leg in Wisconsin, the head in Rhode Island." "It took months to put the pieces together." "You put all the pieces together?" "Sure." "This guy is amazing." "Not really." "It's like a giant jigsaw puzzle." "You've got a bunch of parts, it don't mean anything." "Put them together, get a perfect picture." "Only difference is the pieces I'm playing with are bloody, and the picture I get don't make Bambi in the end." "Okay, Mrs. Tate, I'm done." "Good." "Does that mean that you're going to take the case?" "I'm not sure yet." "Oh." "I see your husband likes to dress up like a priest." "Kinky." "My husband was a priest." "Congratulations on your pregnancy." "How did you know?" "The saltines and the Rocky Road ice cream by your bed." "Billy..." "[LOWERED VOICE] It's a nice collection of magazines you've got hidden in your bedroom." "Why don't you get yourself a girlfriend?" "I'm trying, I'm trying." "Try a little harder." "I see your daughter, Eunice, ran off with Dutch Lightner, who you hid in the basement." "Amazing." "Billy, did you tell?" "No, I swear." "Nobody told me anything, Mrs. Tate." "Everything is there." "All you have to do is look for it." "Amazing." "Benson, can I get a cup of coffee?" "No." "Good, it makes me jumpy as hell." "Now, getting back to your husband's disappearance," "I get these cases all the time." "Find them all." "You name them, I've found them." "Amelia Earhart." "Found her..." "shopping." "Martin Bormann, found him too." "Sells Mercedes in Malibu." "I find these cases very boring." "I find you very boring." "If it's so boring, why do you do it?" "What am I gonna do?" "Heart transplants?" "It's what I know." "Well, they say that you are the best detective in the world." "And they're right." "One thing I had to know, Mrs. Tate:" "did your husband leave willfully?" "Because if your husband left willfully, why should I bother to find him?" "Oh, dear." "Do you think that's possible?" "No." "Good." "I don't think any man in his right mind would leave a wife like you." "Oh, Detective Donohue, you're very sweet." "No, I'm not, Mrs. Tate, just doing my job." "Does that mean you're going to take the case?" "Only for one reason." "What's that?" "I like your smile." "[KNOCKING]" "Yes?" "May I come in?" "Oh, yes, Mrs. Tate." "We're all finished." "Oh, good." "Doctor, I am so glad that you're a lady gynecologist." "It makes it so much easier to come here." "So how is Corinne?" "Corinne is a fine, healthy, pregnant young lady." "I know." "But, doctor, how come I'm so big at three weeks?" "That doesn't seem normal." "Because you miscalculated, Corinne." "You're not three weeks pregnant." "You're five months pregnant." "Uh-oh." "But that's impossible." "I've only been married a month." "I understand, Corinne, but nowadays, lots of girls have sex while they're engaged." "Not if you're engaged to a priest." "Do you mean to tell me that you and your husband never had sex?" "Never." "Well, then, what about before your husband?" "When was the last time?" "Well, that would have been Peter..." "But I'm not exactly sure when that was." "Could Peter recall the date?" "Oh, I don't think so." "He's dead." "Oh." "My husband killed him." "But it couldn't have been Peter, because he's been dead for over six months." "Then there must have been someone between Peter and your husband." "There was no one." "Think, Corinne." "Ma, I swear there was no one." "There was Peter, and then there was Tim after we were married, but otherwise, there was no one, absolutely no one, I swear it." "Well, then," "I don't know how to explain this." "Doctor... perhaps it was from a public bathroom." "That can't happen, Mrs. Tate." "What about a swimming pool?" "I'm afraid not." "Because I saw this cartoon once with a little talking sperm who said he was a terrific swimmer." "It was very cute, really." "The little sperm was all light blue and wore swim trunks..." "And the little eggs were all pink and had little earrings on." "Of course, I don't imagine that's the way they really look." "It's not from a pool," "Mrs. Tate." "There is really only one way to get pregnant." "Well, I'm out of ideas." "Good." "Now, Corinne, if what you say is true, that there was no one between Peter and Tim," "I don't know what to tell you." "You have the uterus of a normal five months' pregnancy." "Is there anything unusual you've noticed lately?" "Yes, there is." "I know this might sound a little strange, but sometimes, I hear humming when there's no one else in the room, and it seems to come from my stomach." "Oh, that's hunger, Corinne." "I get that too." "It kind of rumbles." "Uh, no, Ma, this is different." "This isn't a rumbling." "This is a tune:" ""Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head."" "Maybe Burt Bacharach is the father." "Oh, dear." "What is it?" "Well, I guess this means" "I have to tell Tim that I'm pregnant." "Well, yes." "When you go into labor," "I think he's going to be suspicious." "But I've only been married a month." "How can I tell him I'm five months pregnant?" "Well, Corinne, you'll just have to tell him." "I mean, what is he going to say?" ""See you."" "Okay, fellows, let's try and get it this time, okay?" "Okay?" "Before the milk curdles?" "All right, is tape rolling?" "Thank you." "Quiet, everybody." "Here we go, and..." "Action." "♪ Hello I'm Mr. Peppy Flake ♪" "♪ I used to be A schleppy flake ♪" "♪ My happy days are coming And my peppy eyes are glazing' ♪" "♪ 'Cause I've got a buddy pal ♪" "♪ And his name Is Rodney Raisin ♪" "Hiya, Mr. Peppy Flake." "Hiya, Rodney Raisin." "Boy, am I glad to see you." "You're splashing in my eye, you jerk." "Hey, man, don't be calling me a jerk." "All right, cut." "Cut." "Fellows, we've been here since 7:30 this morning." "How about it, huh?" "He's splashing in my eye." "You were jumping up and down." "I didn't splash on you." "Yes, you did." "All right, hold it, hold it." "Fellows, listen." "We're selling happy raisins and peppy flakes here, and it's not playing happy and peppy." "Oh, yeah?" "What's the problem?" "Seems to be a little too much hate coming through." "Seems to be dissipating the happy and the peppy." "You know what I'm saying?" "Let's roll tape, please." "Now, remember to tap Rodney on the head after you've finished the song." "He can't hear you underneath all that milk." "Okay?" "Mm-hmm." "Now give me a little happy, peppy, bouncing up and down." "That's it, good." "Use it, hmm?" "Rodney, under the milk, please." "Here we go." "Don't forget to tap." "Don't forget not to splash." "Okay... action." "♪ Hello I'm Mr. Peppy Flake ♪" "♪ I used to be... ♪" "[WHISPERING] Psst, Jodie." "Are you gonna pay attention here?" "Yeah, I'm..." "I'm sorry, I'm sorry." "Stop tape, please." "Listen, Carol, I'm really sorry." "I didn't get a chance to call you." "This is taking a lot longer than I thought, and I'm going to have to work right through lunch." "Jodie, I think that, uh..." "I think we should call off the wedding." "Well, I should be through by then." "Who's going to come?" "Oh, Elaine has been kidnapped, and Burt and Danny are out looking for her, and Eunice has run off with Dutch, and Chester is missing, and Jessica's worried sick, and your mother is miserable over Burt's affair." "It's going to be you and me and Bernstein, the caterer." "Hiya, Mr. Peppy Flake." "I'm going to kill you." "I'm going to kill you." "Rodney, Rodney, what's the problem?" "He didn't tap me." "Now, look, man, I'm not a mackerel." "I'm a raisin." "So either you hire Flipper or get me an aqua lung." "Okay, calm down." "Everything will be okay." "I need this." "I have a hostile raising here." "Now, listen, Carol, I know there are a lot of problems, but everybody wants us to go through with it." "It'll make them happy, and they need to feel a little happy these days." "Yoo-hoo, remember us?" "Yeah, fellows, listen, I'm very sorry about this." "You're sorry?" "I've been in this milk for four hours." "I'm starting to wrinkle." "Terrific." "A good raisin's supposed to be wrinkled." "[LAUGHING]" "All right, let's roll tape, please." "Let's get it this time, huh?" "All right, now, listen." "Trust me, everything is going to be okay." "All right, let's get it, D.J., huh, please?" "Thank you." "Quiet, everybody." "Rodney, under the milk, please." "Action." "♪ Hello I'm Mr. Peppy Flake ♪" "♪ I used to be A schleppy flake... ♪" "Hold it, wait." "Don't anyone move." "What's the trouble now?" "I lost a contact." "All right, now, I've got it." "Just a second." "All right, steady." "Hiya, Mr. Peppy Flake." "Now you're going to die!" "[ALL SHOUTING]" "Cut." "Cut!" "Hey, hold it." "Take five, everybody." "Hi." "Oh, just what the cereal needed:" "fruit." "Carol..." "[STUTTERING]" "Well, what a... surprise." "Uh..." "Dennis, what are you doing here?" "Jodie, I've been wanting to talk to you, but you never return my phone calls." "Get the hint?" "Look..." "Coffee, huh?" "How about a nice hot cup of coffee?" "Jodie..." "[SIGHS]" "I can't let you just walk out of my life." "Dennis, I'm marrying Carol." "Jodie, I've thought it over." "I'll give up football." "I'll come out." "I'll do anything." "I'll tell the world I'm gay." "I think you just did." "Can we turn that off, please?" "Thank you." "Dennis, that's the way it is." "I'm marrying Carol." "But I thought if I gave up football, we wouldn't have to sneak around..." "Dennis, it won't make any difference." "That's the way it is." "We're finished." "Finished?" "Finished." "Finished." "Sounds so final." "Okay, Jodie." "I'm sorry." "I won't bother you again." "Are you sure you want to go through with the wedding?" "Absolutely." "You?" "Mm-hmm." "This is very touching." "Sick, but touching." "Uh, fellows." "I'm sorry." "Let's get back to work, okay?" "Hey, Jodie, is it really over between you and Dennis?" "Yeah." "Then you don't mind if I give him a call, do you?" "[♪]" "Where are the cops?" "They're around." "They're here." "Don't look, don't look." "Where are they?" "I don't see any cops." "Danny, please, they're not going to wear their uniforms." "They're in disguise." "Oh." "Don't look." "Where?" ""Where" what?" "Where are they in their disguises?" "There's one right over there." "Where?" "Don't look." "There's no cop over there." "There's just an old lady over there, and she's feeding the pigeons." "Don't look." "That's the cop." "It's undercover." "I saw it on Baretta." "Oh." "Don't look." "Are you sure we're in the right place?" "Yeah, I'm sure." "They said the phone booth by the elm tree." "Is that cop still there?" "I don't think that old lady's a cop." "Why not?" "She just mugged somebody." "Maybe the victim's the cop." "Maybe." "Come on, where's that call?" "Danny, listen, Danny, I've been thinking." "I've been thinking that maybe I should talk to the kidnappers when they call, because you're getting too emotional." "I am not." "Danny, yes, you are." "I am not." "You are." "Hey, listen, it's my wife!" "All right, listen, Danny, come over here." "[TELEPHONE RINGING]" "Listen, now, I need you." "Calm down." "Okay." "Listen to me." "Pay attention." "Hear the sound of my voice." "It's important." "I'm going crazy, Burt." "That ringing is driving me nuts." "The ringing!" "[GRUNTING]" "Listen, Danny..." "Burt, you ran right over me." "The phone!" "Get out of there." "BOTH:" "Hello!" "All right." "All right, we're in the phone booth near the elm tree, just like you said, but we don't have the money." "Be nice." "Apologize for not having it." "Okay, okay." "Look, I just can't raise that kind of money." "Listen, listen, you lousy creep, if I get my hands on..." "[SLOW, CALM VOICE] Hello." "Hi." "This is Burt Campbell," "Danny's stepfather." "Listen, we are..." "We just..." "He's a little overwrought." "You've got to forgive him." "And, now, we don't have $250,000." "Come up with it?" "What do you want me to do?" "Rob a bank?" ""Yes," he says, "yes."" "I've got a comic over here." "Listen, you lousy piece of filth, if you touch a hair..." "[SLOW, CALM VOICE] Hello." "Sir?" "Yes, it's me." "Uh, I'm sorry, we can't come up with $250,000, but we do have $25,000." "Uh, when you're finished laughing, sir, maybe we can do a little business here." "All right, this is Danny." "Now, listen, guys like me are real suckers paying blood money to vermin like you." "If none of us ever paid, you'd be out of business, so my only and final offer is 50,000." "Take it or leave it, and if I ever get my hands on you," "I'm going to rip your heart out." "Oh, good, that's great." "Ripping hearts." "That'll warm him up." "I used to work with criminals." "I know how to talk to them." "Yeah." "Yeah, okay." "Okay, we'll be there, and we're gonna want to talk to Elaine before we pay anything." "Hey, that was incredible, Danny." "That was strong and forceful..." "And stupid." "Where are we going to get 50,000 bucks?" "I don't know." "It's gonna be a little tough to raise." "[DOOR RATTLING]" "It's gonna be even tougher from in here." "What are we going to do?" "What are we going to do?" "Danny, use your head." "The phone." "Oh, you've got some money?" "Sure." "Break a five?" "[♪]" "How will Burt and Danny find $50,000?" "And will they find $50,000 if they can't find their way out of the telephone booth?" "And if they can't find their way out of the telephone booth and find $50,000, how will they ever find Elaine?" "What will Tim do when he finds out what Corinne found out, that she is five months pregnant?" "Since they've only been married a month, will he find that difficult to believe?" "Now that Dennis has found out Jodie intends to marry Carol, will Jodie find he has second thoughts?" "Will Detective Donohue find Chester?" "Does he want to find Chester?" "These questions and many others will be answered on the next episode of..." "Soap." "Soap is videotaped before a studio audience." "[♪]"