"[quirky rock music]" "¶ ¶" "[cheers and applause]" "ALLRIGHT." "THANK YOU." "THANK YOU." "THANK YOU." "THANK YOU." "THANK YOU." "THANK YOU VERY MUCH." "THANK YOU FOR COMING OUT HERE." "OKAY, OKAY." "ALL RIGHT." "OKAY, I DIDN'T CURE ANYTHING." "JESUS CHRIST." "[laughter] [bleep] LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT" "AWARD OUT HERE." "[laughter] [laughs]" "I..." "I HAVE BEEN ON THE ROAD" "FOR THE LAST FIVE MONTHS." "I DON'T KNOW, MAN." "I'M JUST REALLY THINKING THE" "WORST OF PEOPLE." "[laughter]" "I REALLY AM." "YOU SHOULD SEE SOME OF THE" "ANIMALS--SOME OF THE ANIMALS I" "SEE." "LIKE, I WAS IN THE AIRPORT THE" "OTHER DAY, RIGHT?" "I'M SITTING THERE WAITING FOR MY" "FLIGHT TO TAKE MY LIFE AND" "WATCHING THIS--WATCHING" "THIS LADY." "SHE'S EATING EGG MCMUFFINS," "LIKE, PLURAL, AND JUST THREW," "LIKE, THREE OF THEM RIGHT DOWN" "HER THROAT LIKE A PELICAN." "JUST, LIKE, RIGHT DOWN HER" "GULLET." "AND WHEN SHE WAS DONE, SHE WIPED" "HER FACE WITH THE BAG." "[laughter]" "AHH, WITH THE BAG, NOT EVEN" "LIKE A GENTLEMAN." "LIKE, "OH, I'LL JUST DO THE" "CORNERS," AND, "AHHHH."" "THEN SHE JUST KIND OF" "STRAIGHT-RAZOR SHAVED." "JUST AN ABSOLUTE ANIMAL." "I SAW THIS OTHER DUDE." "HE WAS SO OUT OF SHAPE, HE WAS," "LIKE, TRYING TO ITCH HIS BACK," "AND HE COULDN'T REACH IT, SO HE" "WALKED UP TO A SUPPORT POLE" "THAT WAS HOLDING UP AN ENTIRE" "FLOOR OF THE AIRPORT AND JUST" "WALKS UP, AND HE JUST STARTS," "LIKE, RUBBING UP AGAINST IT" "LIKE A GRIZZLY BEAR." "JUST SITTING THERE." "JUST A [bleep] ANIMAL." "[laughter]" "DUDE, I AM SO PRO-SWINE FLU," "IT'S, LIKE, RIDICULOUS." "I WANT IT." "WE NEED A PLAGUE." "I'M TELLING YOU, WE NEED A" "PLAGUE." "IT'S GOT TO HAPPEN, AND DON'T BE" "AFRAID." "IT'S ONLY GONNA--IT'S ONLY GONNA" "KILL THE WEAK, YOU KNOW?" "SERIOUSLY, PUT ON A SWEATER." "TAKE SOME VITAMINS." "YOU'RE GONNA BE FINE." "JUST..." "YOU'VE GOT TO LET MOTHER NATURE" "DO HER THING, MAN." "SHE KEEPS TRYING TO HELP US OUT," "AND WE WON'T LET HER DO IT." "KEEPS TRYING TO THIN THE HERD," "AND EVERY SINGLE TIME, WE'RE" "LIKE, "OH, GO DOWN AND GET YOUR" "VACCINATION."" "WHY?" "WHY?" "SO EGG MCMUFFIN LADY CAN BREED" "WITH THE BACK FAT GUY," "YOU KNOW?" "IT'S GOT TO HAPPEN." "YOU'VE GOT TO LET HER DO IT." "SERIOUSLY, PLAGUE, IT'S LIKE" "NATURE'S FOREST FIRE," "YOU KNOW?" "JUST LET IT BURN OUT ALL THE" "DEAD WOOD." "[laughter]" "NO, I SWEAR TO GOD." "WE'RE THE ONLY--WE'RE THE ONLY" "SPECIES THAT SAVES THE WEAK." "WE REALLY ARE." "LIONS DON'T DO THAT [bleep]," "YOU KNOW?" "A LION GETS A LITTLE THORN IN" "HIS PAW, AND EVERYBODY'S," ""SLOW DOWN." "DO YOU HAVE AN EAR INFECTION?" "HOW ARE YOU FEELING?" "IS EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT?" "DO YOU NEED SOME PENICILLIN?"" "AND IT'S LIKE, "[bleep] HIM."" "[laughter]" "THAT'S WHY THERE'S NO TRAFFIC" "ON THE SERENGETI." "[laughter]" "THERE'S NOT A BUNCH OF LIONS" "JUST STANDING THERE IN GRIDLOCK" "LIKE, "WHAT THE [bleep] IS" "GOING ON UP THERE?" "DUDE, GO." "JUST [bleep] GO."" "AN HOUR LATER, YOU GET UP THERE." "THERE'S SOME HYENA LICKING HIS" "BALLS." "LIKE, "OH, THAT WAS THE BIG" "HOLDUP, RIGHT?" "LIKE YOU NEVER SAW THAT BEFORE." "OH, BY ALL MEANS, SLOW DOWN" "AND LOOK AT IT."" "[laughter]" "SO I'VE GOT A GIRLFRIEND, MAN." "I WATCH A LOT OF TV WITH HER," "YOU KNOW?" "I JUST ANNOY THE HELL OUT OF" "HER." "SHE LOVES WATCHING THE OPRAH" "WINFREY SHOW," "AND I LOVE, LIKE, WATCHING HER" "WATCH THE OPRAH WINFREY SHOW." "AND I WAIT FOR OPRAH TO SAY" "SOMETHING STUPID, AND THE SECOND" "SHE DOES, I JUST TAKE IT OUT ON" "MY GIRL, BECAUSE I'M AN ASSHOLE." "[laughter]" "NO, IT'S WHAT I DO." "NO, WE WERE WATCHING IT THE" "OTHER DAY, YOU KNOW." "OPRAH'S ON THERE." "SHE'S INTERVIEWING SOME CLAM," "YOU KNOW, AND... [laughter]" "SHE'S GIVING HER THIS BIG," "RIDICULOUS INTRO, LIKE, "SHE'S" "DONE THIS." "SHE'S DONE THAT." "SHE'S DONE THIS." "AND SHE DOES THE MOST DIFFICULT" "JOB ON THE PLANET." "SHE'S A MOTHER."" "AND CONTINUES ON, AND" "IMMEDIATELY, I JUST LOOK AT MY" "GIRLFRIEND LIKE..." "YOU KNOW." "LIKE, "REALLY?" "BEING A MOTHER IS THE MOST" "DIFFICULT JOB ON THE PLANET?" "OH, YEAH, ALL THOSE MOTHERS WHO" "DIE EVERY YEAR FROM BLACK LUNG" "FROM INHALING ALL THAT COAL" "DUST."" "[laughter]" "DUDE, WOMEN ARE JUST CONSTANTLY" "PATTING THEMSELVES ON THE BACK" "ABOUT HOW DIFFICULT THEIR LIVES" "ARE, AND NO ONE CORRECTS THEM," "'CAUSE THEY WANT TO [bleep]" "'EM." "[laughter and applause]" "NO, THAT'S WHAT IT IS." "SO THERE'S JUST THIS TORNADO" "OF, LIKE, MISINFORMATION." ""I HAVE THE MOST DIFFICULT JOB" "ON THE PLANET."" "WHAT WOULD YOU RATHER BE DOING," "DRILLING TO THE CENTER OF THE" "EARTH, SHAKING HANDS WITH THE" "DEVIL," "EVERY TIME THERE'S A RUMBLE IN" "THE GROUND, YOU'RE WAITING FOR" "THE WHOLE THING TO COLLAPSE DOWN" "ON TOP OF YOU SO THEY CAN WRITE" "THAT FOLK SONG ABOUT YOU, YOU" "KNOW?" "OR WOULD YOU RATHER BE UP IN" "THE SUNSHINE RUNNING AROUND" "WITH A COUPLE OF TODDLERS" "THAT YOU CAN SEND TO BED" "ANYTIME YOU WANT ON SOME" "SORT OF TRUMPED-UP CHARGES," "RIGHT?" "BECAUSE YOU WANT TO HAVE A DRINK" "AND WATCH THE PRICE IS RIGHT." "YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?" "I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT." ""IT'S THE MOST DIFFICULT JOB ON" "THE PLANET."" "OH, YEAH?" "I THOUGHT ROOFING IN THE MIDDLE" "OF JULY AS A REDHEAD--I THOUGHT" "THAT THAT WAS DIFFICULT," "BUT THESE MOTHERS ARE BENDING" "OVER AT THE WAIST PUTTING DVDs" "INTO DVD PLAYERS." "I DON'T KNOW HOW THEY DO IT." "I DON'T KNOW HOW THEY DO IT." "[laughter]" "DUDE, ANY JOB THAT YOU CAN DO IN" "YOUR PAJAMAS IS NOT A DIFFICULT" "JOB, ALL RIGHT?" "GIVE ME A BREAK." "JESUS CHRIST, YOU'RE 35 YEARS" "OLD PLAYING HIDE-AND-GO-SEEK." "YOU'RE LIVING THE DREAM." "YOU'RE LIVING THE DREAM." "NO TIME CARD, NO TAXES." "YOU'RE OFF THE [bleep] GRID." "[laughter]" "MAKING POPSICLE STICK HOUSES." "I MEAN... [laughter]" ""IT'S THE MOST DIFFICULT JOB ON" "THE PLANET."" "OPRAH'S NOT EVEN A MOTHER." "HOW THE [bleep] WOULD SHE KNOW?" "UNBELIEVABLE." "[cheers and applause] [laughs]" "GRANTED, NEITHER AM I, BUT I," "YOU KNOW, I THINK IT KIND OF" "BALANCES ITSELF OUT." "I'MHALFWAYTHROUGHMYLIFE" "AT THIS AGE, YOU KNOW, AND I'VE" "BEEN AN ANGRY SON OF A BITCH," "AND I'VE GOT TO TURN THIS" "AROUND, MAN." "I'M EMBARRASSED WITH MY--I DON'T" "WANT TO BE THAT GUY." "YOU DIE AS THE ANGRY GUY." "THAT'S THE WORST DUDE TO DIE AS," "BECAUSE THEN PEOPLE HAVE GOT TO" "TRY TO THINK OF HAPPY [bleep] TO" "SAY ABOUT YOU AT YOUR FUNERAL." "THEY'RE JUST SITTING THERE LIKE," ""HE, UH..." "YOU KNOW, HE ALWAYS PAID HIS" "BILLS ON TIME, YOU KNOW." "YOU'VE GOT TO GIVE HIM THAT," "YOU KNOW." "GOD DAMN IT, YOU GAVE THIS GUY" "A BILL, HE PAID IT." "THIS GUY WAS A BILL-PAYING SON" "OF A BITCH, IRONED HIS SHIRTS." "I--I GOT NOTHING." "I DON'T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO SAY" "ABOUT THE GUY." "HE'S JUST..."" "NO..." "NO, I NOTICED--YOU KNOW WHEN I" "KNEW I HAD AN ANGER PROBLEM" "WAS WHEN--JUST, LIKE, LITTLE" "RANDOM THINGS." "LIKE, I WENT TO THIS PLACE" "ANOTHER TIME." "I'M ON THE ROAD, AND I'M" "ORDERING FOOD, AND I WAS DONE" "ORDERING THE FOOD, AND THE GUY" "BEHIND THE COUNTER ASKED ME IF I" "WANTED A COOKIE, RIGHT?" "AND ALL OF A SUDDEN, I JUST HAD" "THIS UNBELIEVABLE URGE JUST TO" "BLAST THIS GUY RIGHT IN THE" "FACE." "[laughter]" "I'M NOT TRYING TO BE PARANOID," "BUT MY BRAIN WAS JUST SITTING" "THERE GOING LIKE, "DUDE, WHAT" "KIND OF A MAN ASKS ANOTHER MAN" "IF HE WANTS A COOKIE?" "THIS GUY THINKS YOU'RE SOFT OR" "SOMETHING."" ""OH, YOU WANT A COOKIE, HUH?" "YOU WANT A COOKIE THERE," "CUPCAKE?"" "WHO THE [bleep] IS HE?" "HE DOESN'T [bleep] KNOW YOU LIKE" "THAT." "AND YOU KNOW WHAT THE SAD THING" "WAS, WAS I WANTED A COOKIE." "I WOULD HAVE LOVED ONE," "SITTING THERE WITH A BIG GLASS" "OF MILK LIKE A FOUR-YEAR-OLD." "WHO DOESN'T LOVE A COOKIE, YOU" "KNOW?" "BUT I SAY IT." "I SAY I WANT A COOKIE." "YOU DON'T [bleep]." "I SAY IT." "I SAY I WANT A COOKIE." "I BRING IT UP, AND IF YOU" "BRING IT UP, YOU DO IT SUBTLE." "YOU DON'T JUST YELL IT ACROSS" "THE RESTAURANT." ""YOU WANT A COOKIE, YOU PUSSY," "PUSSY, PUSSY?"" "[laughter]" "YEAH, SO THAT'S WHEN I REALIZED" "I'VE GOT A... [laughter]" "ANYBODY ELSE'S THOUGHTS JUST" "WAKE THEM UP IN THE MIDDLE OF" "THE NIGHT?" "YOU JUST WAKE UP." ""OH, YOU KNOW, I DON'T THINK I'M" "GONNA MAKE IT," YOU KNOW?" "[laughter]" "NO, YOU KNOW, MY BIG MOVE" "ACTUALLY, I'M A LOT HAPPIER" "THAN I USED TO BE, MAN." "I [bleep] AROUND A LOT WHEN I'M" "UP HERE, BUT I'M DEFINITELY A" "LOT MORE HAPPIER." "MY BIG MOVE, YOU KNOW, I DECIDED" "I WASN'T GONNA GO HOME FOR THE" "HOLIDAYS." "THAT WAS A BIG THING." "I HAD TO." "THERE YOU GO, ONE GUY RIGHT" "THERE." "YEAH, I HAD TO." "I DON'T KNOW WHAT AGE YOU" "DECIDED NOT TO, BUT I WENT HOME" "AT 39 NOT MARRIED, NO KIDS," "AND I WAS JUST LIKE, "THERE IS" "NO WAY I AM GOING HOME AT 40." "THERE'S NO WAY." "PEOPLE AREN'T EVEN, LIKE, ASKING" "QUESTIONS." "THEY JUST LOOK AT YOU WEIRD." "JUST LIKE, "SO YOU'RE JUST..."" "[laughter]" ""YOU'RE JUST GONNA TELL JOKES," "YOU KNOW?" "TALK ABOUT DISEASE AND WISH IT" "ON PEOPLE AND MAKE FUN OF" "PEOPLE WHO LIKE CAKE." "IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE GONNA DO?" "YOU DON'T WANT TO LIVE IN A" "CUL-DE-SAC AND HAVE A COUPLE OF" "KIDS AND GRADUALLY RESENT" "EVERYONE AND THEN TAKE YOUR OWN" "LIFE?" "YOU DON'T WANT TO DO THAT?"" "[laughter]" "YEAH." "NO, DUDE, I WOULD LOVE TO BE" "MARRIED." "LIKE, IN MY HEAD, IT ALL MAKES" "SENSE." "LIKE, I--YOU KNOW?" "I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED, BUT" "IT JUST--IT SCARES ME." "WHEN I SEE MARRIED GUYS, I JUST" "GET, LIKE, NERVOUS, MAN, THAT" "I'M JUST GONNA BE, LIKE, THAT" "STEREOTYPICAL MARRIED GUY, YOU" "KNOW?" "JUST, LIKE, A SHELL OF MY FORMER" "SELF." "YOU KNOW, EVERY WEEKEND UP ON" "THAT SILVER LADDER JUST SCOOPING [bleep] OUT OF THE GUTTERS." "[laughter]" "MY NEIGHBOR COMING OVER, YOU" "KNOW." ""HEY, BILL, HOW'S IT GOING?"" ""OH, YOU KNOW, PRETTY GOOD," "PRETTY GOOD." "YEAH, SUSIE KEEPS GETTING" "BIGGER, YOU KNOW." "I'VE BEEN WEARING THIS SHIRT FOR 11 YEARS." "I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO MY" "DREAMS, YOU KNOW." "I JUST LIKE COMING UP HERE" "'CAUSE IT'S QUIET." "YEAH, I JUST STAND UP HERE" "AND THINK ABOUT WHAT MIGHT HAVE" "BEEN." "YEAH."" "MY NEIGHBOR'S NOT EVEN LISTENING" "TO ME." "HE'S ALL EXCITED ABOUT SOME" "GARDEN HOSE HE BOUGHT AT" "BROOKSTONE." "HE'S CONVINCED IT WAS DESIGNED" "BY NASA." ""ACTUALLY, IT'S GOT TWO NOZZLES," "ONE FOR THE HOT AND ONE FOR THE" "COLD."" "REALLY?" "IS IT LONG ENOUGH TO GO AROUND" "BOTH OUR NECKS AND THE CHIMNEY" "SO WE CAN TANDEM JUMP OFF OF" "THIS?" "THAT'S ALL I REALLY CARE ABOUT" "YOU AND YOUR LITTLE GARDEN HOSE." "[laughter]" "NOW, I KNOW I JUST SORT OF" "MENTIONED KILLING MYSELF THERE." "[laughter]" "I DON'T WANT TO FREAK YOU OUT," "ALL RIGHT, BECAUSE I DID THAT" "JOKE WHEN I WAS DOWN IN THE" "BIBLE BELT, AND I WAS DOWN" "SOUTH, AND THIS GIRL TOOK ME" "REALLY SERIOUSLY." "SHE CAME UP TO ME AT THE END OF" "THE SHOW, AND SHE'S LIKE," ""YOU'RE NOT REALLY THINKING" "ABOUT DOING SOMETHING LIKE THAT," "ARE YOU?" "YOU'RE NOT REALLY..."" "AND I WAS LIKE, "NO, NO, NO." "I'M JUST JOKING." "SHE GOES, "GOOD, 'CAUSE, YOU" "KNOW, YOU CAN'T GO TO HEAVEN IF" "YOU DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT."" "AND I WAS JUST LIKE, "YEAH, YOU" "KNOW, I REALLY DON'T GIVE A [bleep], YOU KNOW?"" "[laughter]" "IT'S NOT THAT I DON'T." "I JUST LIKE FREAKING OUT PEOPLE" "THAT ARE THAT RELIGIOUS," "THAT HAVE A WHOLE LITTLE" "CHECKLIST." ""[bleep] IF YOU DO THIS, YOU GO" "HERE, AND IF YOU DO THAT..."" "HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT?" "YOU DON'T KNOW THAT." "SHUT UP, YOU KNOW?" "I THINK IT'S A VERY NORMAL" "THOUGHT." "I THINK IT'S A VERY NORMAL" "THOUGHT TO THINK ABOUT KILLING" "YOURSELF, YOU KNOW?" "I DO." "YOUKNOWWHAT'SWEIRD?" "ANYTIME I THINK ABOUT KILLING" "MYSELF, IT'S NEVER OVER ANYTHING" "BIG." "IT'S ALWAYS LITTLE THINGS." "LITTLE THINGS MAKE ME WANT TO" "TAKE MYSELF OUT." "IT'S BIZARRE." "LIKE, IF MY GIRLFRIEND BROKE UP" "WITH ME, I'M NOT GONNA LIE TO" "YOU." "I WOULD BE DEVASTATED," "DEVASTATED." "I'D BE LAYING ON THE GROUND" "CRYING IN THE FETAL POSITION" "FOR, LIKE, THREE DAYS, YOU" "KNOW." "BUT, YOU KNOW, BY THE FOURTH" "DAY, YOU KNOW, I'D RUB ONE OUT," "YOU KNOW, START PUTTING THE" "PIECES BACK TOGETHER." "I KNOW WHAT I'VE GOT TO DO," "JOIN A GYM, LIE TO MYSELF THAT" "I'M GONNA GET THE SIX-PACK BACK." "I KNOW WHAT I'VE GOT TO DO, ALL" "RIGHT?" "BUT LITTLE THINGS." "I THOUGHT ABOUT KILLING" "MYSELF, LIKE, A YEAR AGO ON" "THANKSGIVING." "AND YOU KNOW WHY IT WAS?" "IT WAS BECAUSE I SAID I WAS" "GONNA MAKE A PIE." "THAT LITTLE STATEMENT MADE ME" "THINK ABOUT TAKING MYSELF OUT." "THIS IS HOW IT WORKS." "THIS IS BASICALLY THE DEAL," "RIGHT?" "MY GIRLFRIEND'S AN ANGEL." "SHE ABSOLUTELY LOVES THE" "HOLIDAYS, SO IT WAS, LIKE, TWO" "WEEKS BEFORE THANKSGIVING, SO" "SHE'S ALL EXCITED." "SHE'S LIKE, "OH, MY GOD." "THANKSGIVING'S COMING UP."" "I'M SITTING THERE TRYING TO" "WATCH THE GAME." ""THANKSGIVING." "WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO FOR" "THANKSGIVING," RIGHT?" "AND I STARTED FREAKING OUT." "LIKE, I DIDN'T THINK I HAD TO DO" "ANYTHING FOR THANKSGIVING, YOU" "KNOW?" "I JUST THOUGHT I HAD TO, YOU" "KNOW, NOT GET DRUNK AND BE" "BELLIGERENT AROUND YOUR FRIENDS." "I THOUGHT I WAS FINE." "SHE'S LIKE, "NO, I'M GONNA MAKE" "A TURKEY." "I'M GONNA MAKE STUFFING." "WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?"" "SO I PANICKED." "I'M LIKE, "I'LL [bleep] MAKE A" "PIE."" "I DON'T KNOW HOW TO MAKE A PIE." "I WAS JUST TRYING TO MAKE HER GO" "AWAY, YOU KNOW?" "YOU EVER DO THAT?" "YOU JUST AGREE WITH THEM" "THINKING IT WILL MAKE THEM" "LEAVE?" "LIKE, "AWESOME, WHAT YOU SAID," "HIGH FIVE, [bleep] OFF,"" "AND YOU GO BACK TO WATCHING THE" "GAME." "YEAH." "NO, BUT IT TOTALLY WORKED." "IT TOTALLY WORKED, BECAUSE SHE" "WALKED AWAY COMPLETELY EXCITED." "SHE WAS, LIKE, YOU KNOW, RAN" "AWAY ALL EXCITED, AND I TOTALLY" "FORGOT ABOUT IT, RIGHT?" "TWO WEEKS LATER, THANKSGIVING" "COMES UP, RIGHT?" "SHE JUST WAKES UP." "SHE'S LIKE, "OH, MY GOD." "IT'S THANKSGIVING." "IT'S THANKSGIVING." "YOU'RE GONNA MAKE THAT PIE," "RIGHT?" "YOU SAID YOU WERE GONNA MAKE A" "PIE."" "I WAS LIKE, "[bleep]."" "I'VE GOT TO MAKE A PIE." "I'VE GOT TO GO TO THE GROCERY" "STORE." "I'VE GOT TO BUY SOME FLOUR." "THEN I JUST STARTED THINKING," ""MAN, WHAT IF I JUST SLAMMED MY" "HEAD RIGHT THROUGH THIS PLATE" "GLASS WINDOW AND JUST BLED OUT" "RIGHT DOWN THE SIDE OF THE" "HOUSE, YOU KNOW?" "I WOULDN'T HAVE TO MAKE THE" "PIE."" "SO IT'S NOT EVEN LIKE I'M" "SUICIDAL." "IT'S MORE LIKE I'M, LIKE, LAZY." "YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?" "LIKE, WHENEVER I KNOW THE NEXT" "FOUR HOURS OF MY LIFE IS GONNA" "SUCK, I THINK ABOUT IT." ""GOD, I'VE GOT TO PAY MY TAXES." "THERE'S A LONG LINE AT THE" "BANK," AND THEN A BUS IS COMING" "BY." ""WHAT IF I JUST DOVE HEADFIRST" "RIGHT INTO THOSE DOUBLE BACK" "TIRES?"" "ANYBODY ELSE?" "YOU EVER THINK ABOUT [bleep]" "LIKE THAT?" "[cheers and applause]" "YOU KNOW WHAT GETS ME?" "CEILING FANS." "SOMEBODY'S TELLING ME SOME STUFF" "I DON'T WANT TO DO." ""YOU'RE GONNA NEED TWO FORMS OF" "I.D." "WE NEED YOUR BIRTH CERTIFICATE."" "AND A CEILING FAN'S BEHIND" "THE HEAD." "I'LL BE, "I'LL GET RIGHT ON" "THAT."" "DOING, DOING, DOING." "[laughter]" "SO ANYWAY, SO I DECIDED NOT TO" "GO HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS." "THAT'S WHAT I'M REALLY TRYING TO" "TELL YOU HERE." "NO, I DID." "I KIND OF CAME TO THIS EPIPHANY." "I'M LIKE, "MAN, I'M 41 YEARS" "OLD." "MY DAD HAD FIVE KIDS BY THE" "TIME HE WAS MY AGE." "I'VE GOT TO GET ON WITH MY" "LIFE HERE."" "SO I WAS, LIKE, GOING, "YOU KNOW" "WHAT?" "I'M NOT WORKING THANKSGIVING." "I'M NOT WORKING CHRISTMAS." "I'M NOT WORKING NEW YEAR'S."" "AND IT WAS, LIKE, THE MIDDLE OF" "OCTOBER, AND I WAS LIKE, "WAIT A" "MINUTE." "WHAT ABOUT HALLOWEEN?"" "THEN MY BRAIN WAS LIKE, "YOU" "KNOW WHAT?" "[bleep] THIS." "I'M GETTING A PUMPKIN," RIGHT?" "THAT'S HOW ANGRY MY BRAIN IS." "I CAN'T BE JUST LIKE, "YOU KNOW" "WHAT?" "HEY, LET'S GET A PUMPKIN."" "IT'S GOT TO BE, "YOU KNOW WHAT?" "[bleep] THIS." "LET'S GET A PUMPKIN."" "[laughter]" "THAT'S WHAT I STARTED THINKING." "I'M CARVING THAT [bleep]." "I'M HANDING OUT CANDY TO THE" "KIDS." "I'M MEETING THEM AT THE DOOR." "HEY, WHAT ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO" "BE, HUH?" "OH, YEAH?" "FULL-SIZE SNICKERS, BAM." "WHO DOES THAT?" "WHO DOES THAT?" "NOBODY, NOBODY." "I WILL BREAK YOUR [bleep] BAG" "WITH MY CANDY, HUH?" "AC/DC PUMPKIN." "YOU EVER SEEN THAT BEFORE?" "YOU HAVEN'T RIGHT?" "YOU TELL ALL YOUR FRIENDS WHERE" "YOU SEEN THAT [bleep]." "WHAT ARE YOU, LEANED TO ONE" "SIDE?" "THAT'S HEAVY." "HERE'S ANOTHER CANDY BAR." "YOU'LL BE LIKE DUMBBELLS, WALK" "RIGHT DOWN THE STAIRS." "THIS IS HOW MUCH OF A MANIAC I" "AM." "DO YOU KNOW--THIS IS ALL TRUE." "IT TOOK ME FOUR TRIPS TO GO TO" "THE SUPERMARKET TO FINALLY BE" "ABLE TO BUY THIS GODDAMNED" "PUMPKIN, BECAUSE EVERY TIME I" "WOULD WALK IN THERE TO GET IT," "I'D BE THINKING ALL THESE HAPPY" "THOUGHTS." ""THIS IS A GREAT THING." "I'M EMBRACING THE HOLIDAYS." "IT'S GONNA BRING ME AND MY" "GIRLFRIEND TOGETHER." "THIS IS A VERY LOVING THING TO" "DO."" "AND I REACH OUT AND GRAB IT, AND" "ALL I HEAR IN THE BACK OF MY" "HEAD IS, "WHAT ARE YOU, A [bleep]."" "AND THEN IMMEDIATELY, I HAD TO" "TURN AROUND AND WALK OUT." "THISISHOWITWORKSWITH" "GUYS." "ANY TIME YOU DO ANYTHING" "REMOTELY SENSITIVE," "HEARTWARMING, ANYTHING THAT'S" "GONNA MAKE YOU MORE OF A LOVING," "CARING INDIVIDUAL, IMMEDIATELY," "ALL YOUR GUY FRIENDS SUGGEST" "THAT MAYBE, JUST MAYBE, YOU WANT" "TO SUCK A [bleep]." "OH, IT'S BRUTAL." "EVEN IF YOU DO SOMETHING SMART," "RIGHT, LIKE IT'S RAINING OUT." ""HE'S GOT AN UMBRELLA." "WHAT A [bleep]." "OH, MY GOD." "WHAT, ARE YOU AFRAID OF THE" "WATER?" "PUT YOUR SHOULDERS UP, YOU [bleep]." "JESUS CHRIST." "WHAT, DID YOU PULL THAT THING" "OUT OF YOUR ASS?"" "OH, IT'S BRUTAL." "IT DOESN'T EVEN HAVE TO MAKE" "SENSE." ""YOU CARVED A PUMPKIN?" "WHAT DO YOU DO NEXT, CARVE SOME" "GUYS ASS WITH YOUR [bleep]?" "WHAT A [bleep]." "WHAT, ARE YOU GONNA BLOW A" "SCARECROW?" "DUDE, GET AWAY FROM ME WITH" "YOUR GAY LITTLE PUMPKIN."" "OH, IT'S BRUTAL." ""DUDE, WHAT ARE YOU, A [bleep]"" "IS THE REASON WHY GUYS DROP AT 55 OUT OF [bleep] NOWHERE." "IT'S LITERALLY FROM FIVE DECADES" "OF JUST SUPPRESSING THE URGE TO," "LIKE, HUG A PUPPY, ADMIT A" "BABY'S CUTE, SAY YOU WANT A" "COOKIE." "YOU'VE JUST GOT TO KEEP PUSHING" "IT DOWN LIKE, "[bleep] THEM." "I'M NOT SUCKING [bleep]." "ALL RIGHT?" "YEAH." "[cheers and applause]" "NO, NO, NO, NO, AND THEN ONE" "DAY--ONE DAY, YOU'RE IN A" "DENNY'S, AND THEY FORGET TO PUT" "BANANAS IN YOUR PANCAKES." "YOU JUST HAVE, LIKE, AN" "ANEURISM, AND YOUR HEAD SLAMS" "OFF THAT STICKY TABLE, AND THE" "LAST THING YOU HEAR BEFORE IT" "ALL GOES BLACK IS YOUR FRIENDS" "GO, "HE GOT BANANAS IN HIS" "PANCAKES." "WHAT A [bleep]." "OH, MY GOD." "IT WASN'T SWEET ENOUGH WITH THE" "SYRUP, YOU FAIRY?" "HEY, BRING ANOTHER ONE OVER" "WHOLE AND SHOVE IT UP HIS ASS," "RIGHT?" "YEAH, 'CAUSE IT LOOKS LIKE A" "DICK, RIGHT?" "IT LOOKS LIKE A DICK." "YEAH, I THOUGHT IT, AND THEN I" "SAID IT." "I'M AWESOME." "YEAH."" "OH, IT'S A HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE" "WAY TO LIVE YOUR LIFE." "YOU CAN'T--YOU'RE JUST DYING" "EVERY DAY." "JUST EVERY DUMB THING THAT YOU" "CAN DO AS A GUY," "ANY STUPID THING THAT'S GONNA" "SHORTEN YOUR LIFE MAKES YOU MORE" "OF A MAN." "[bleep] ZERO DEGREES OUT." "YOU DON'T HAVE A COAT ON." ""DUDE, YOU COLD?"" "YOU CAN'T ADMIT IT." ""NO, I'M NOT COLD." "DUDE, I'M NOT COLD." "I'M JUST THINKING OF SOMETHING I" "REALLY AGREE WITH," YOU KNOW." "[laughter]" "NO." "I'M TRYING TO LET GO OF THIS" "BALL OF HATE IN MY CHEST." "THAT'S WHY I DON'T HAVE ANY" "KIDS." "I DON'T." "I THINK IT'S IRRESPONSIBLE TO BE" "A COMPLETE MANIAC, NOT WORK ON" "YOURSELF, AND THEN JUST HAVE A" "KID, AND THEN JUST START" "DOWNLOADING ALL YOUR [bleep]" "THOUGHTS ONTO THEIR PRISTINE" "LITTLE HARD DRIVE, YOU KNOW?" "YOU SEND THEM OFF TO SCHOOL" "WITH YOUR LITTLE--YOUR LITTLE" "MANIFESTOS." "THEY'RE FREAKING OUT OTHER KIDS" "AT SCHOOL." ""TWO PLUS TWO, TIMMY." "WHAT DID YOU GET?"" ""DADDY KEEPS CASH IN THE WALLS," "BECAUSE HE DOESN'T TRUST BANKS."" "[laughter]" "YEAH." "NO, IT'S EMBARRASSING" "TO KNOW THIS LITTLE ABOUT" "YOURSELF AT MY AGE, MAN." "I'VE GOT TO GET BEYOND" "LIKE, DO YOU KNOW HOW I FINALLY" "ENDED UP GETTING THAT PUMPKIN?" "YOU KNOW HOW I DID IT?" "I ACTUALLY HAD TO BRING MY" "GIRLFRIEND DOWN TO THE" "SUPERMARKET, AND I HAD TO WALK" "HER BY THE PUMPKINS, BECAUSE I" "KNEW THE SECOND I DID IT, SHE" "WAS GONNA FREAK OUT, AND SHE" "DID." "THE SECOND SHE SAW THEM, SHE WAS" "JUST LIKE, "OH, MY GOD, A" "PUMPKIN." "HALLOWEEN'S COMING UP." "WE SHOULD GET A PUMPKIN." "OH, MY GOD, LET'S GET" "A PUMPKIN."" "SHE STARTS DOING, LIKE, THIS" "LITTLE PUMPKIN DANCE, AND I" "HAD THIS UNBELIEVABLE URGE JUST" "TO TAKE HER HEAD AND JUST [bleep] MUSH IT RIGHT INTO THE" "PUMPKINS AND REALLY HOLD IT" "THERE FOR A SECOND, LIKE, FEEL" "THE PANIC IN THE BACK OF HER" "HEAD AS THE AIR BUBBLES BECAME," "LIKE, LESS AND LESS FREQUENT" "AS SHE SAT THERE CONTEMPLATING," ""IS THIS HOW IT'S GONNA END," "PUMPKIN SEEDS UP MY NOSE?" "I ALWAYS ENVISIONED BEING" "SURROUNDED BY LOVED ONES LOOKING" "BACK ON ACHIEVEMENTS." "IT'S SO ORANGE."" "[laughter]" "NO, I RESENTED HER." "I RESENTED THE FACT SHE GETS TO" "BE A [bleep]." "SHE DOES." "SHE GETS TO SEE PUMPKINS." ""OH, MY GOD."" "RIGHT?" "SEES A LITTLE PUPPY." ""IT'S SO CUTE."" "CRIES AT SAD MOVIES." "I'VE GOT TO HOLD ON TO ALL OF" "THAT [bleep], SLOWLY DYING" "INSIDE." "GO OUT TO GO SEE A SAD MOVIE," "COMES TO THE SAD PART." "WHAT DO I DO?" "SHE'S CRYING." "I'VE GOT TO THINK OF SOME FUNNY [bleep]." ""AH, WHAT IF SOMEBODY KICKS SEAN" "PENN IN THE BALLS RIGHT NOW?" "AH-HA-HA."" "I START LAUGHING." "AND THEN THEY GET MAD AT YOU." ""HOW COULD YOU LAUGH DURING A" "TIME LIKE THIS?"" "BECAUSE I'M NOT [bleep] ALLOWED." "THAT'SRIGHT." "THAT'SRIGHT." "THANK YOU, SIR." "I LIKE HOW YOU'RE TURNING THIS" "INTO A TOWN MEETING, THIS GUY" "DOWN HERE." ""THAT'S RIGHT." "THAT'S EXACTLY IT." "I ALWAYS WANTED TO CRY WHEN I" "WAS WATCHING LIFETIME, BUT, YOU" "KNOW, I WAS NEVER ALLOWED TO."" "IGOTADOG RECENTLY," "EVERYBODY." "THAT'S, LIKE, THE BIG THING." "YES, I DID." "I'M PSYCHED." "I WENT DOWN TO THE POUND." "I GOT ONE OF THOSE FREE DOGS," "FREE DOG." "THAT'S HOW I SAY IT TOO." "I DON'T SAY, "I RESCUED A DOG."" "I HATE WHEN PEOPLE SAY THAT" "STUFF." "THEY SAY, "SHE'S A RESCUE." "I RESCUED HER."" "REALLY?" "DID YOU PULL HER OUT OF A" "BURNING BUILDING?"" "[laughter]" ""DID YOU JUMP IN A RIVER WITH" "YOUR WING TIPS STILL ON WITH NO" "CONCERN FOR YOUR OWN SAFETY," "OR DID YOU JUST GO DOWN TO THE" "POUND AND GET A FREE DOG, YOU" "CHEAP [bleep]?" "ISN'T THAT WHAT YOU DID?"" "[laughter and applause]" "I ACTUALLY--I DID NOT WANT TO" "GET A RESCUE DOG." "I DID NOT WANT TO DO THAT." "MY GIRL WAS ALL ABOUT IT." "SHE WAS LIKE, "WE SHOULD RESCUE" "A DOG." "DO YOU WANT TO RESCUE A DOG?"" "I'M LIKE, "NO, NO, I DON'T."" "SHE'S LIKE, "WHY NOT?" "I GO, "BECAUSE I THINK A LOT OF" "THE DOGS DOWN AT THE POUND MIGHT" "BE A LITTLE [bleep] IN THE" "HEAD." "YOU EVER THOUGHT ABOUT THAT?"" "DUDE, THE SHELTER IS NOT A PET" "STORE." "THAT IS LIKE SHAWSHANK FOR A" "GOLDEN RETRIEVER." "WHY DON'T WE JUST GO DOWN TO THE" "PRISON AND RESCUE AN INMATE AND" "JUST ROLL THE DICE THAT MAYBE" "THE GUY WAS WRONGLY CONVICTED?" "ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?" "[bleep] THAT." "I WANT A BRAND-NEW 2009 BULLDOG," "ALL RIGHT?" "I DON'T WANT SOME 1995" "HALF-A-LABRADOR WITH PART OF ITS" "EAR CHEWED OFF, YOU KNOW?" "I'VE GOT TO PUT TOGETHER ITS" "BACKSTORY." "EVERY TIME I GO TO USE THE" "TOASTER, IT STARTS FREAKING OUT," "BECAUSE HIS LAST OWNER HUNG HIM" "FROM THE CEILING FAN EVERY TIME" "THE JETS DIDN'T COVER THE OVER," "YOU KNOW?" "DUDE, THAT'S AN ANIMAL, MAN." "THAT THING CAN KILL YOU." "DUDE, A RABID SQUIRREL," "HOW FAST A SQUIRREL IS." "IF I WAS WALKING HOME AT NIGHT" "MINDING MY OWN BUSINESS, BUT ALL" "OF A SUDDEN, SOME SQUIRREL" "STARTING RUNNING AT ME, BY THE" "TIME I PROCESS LIKE, "IS THAT A" "RAT?" "IS THAT MECHANICAL?"" "THAT DUDE WOULD BE UP MY LEG" "TAKING CHUNKS OUT OF THE SIDE OF" "MY HEAD." "I'D HAVE TO TELL THAT STORY FOR" "THE REST OF MY LIFE IN A BAR." ""DUDE, WHAT HAPPENED TO THE SIDE" "OF YOUR HEAD?"" ""A [bleep] SQUIRREL, ALL RIGHT?" "CHRIST, YOU DON'T THINK I'M" "SENSITIVE?"" "NO, I'M NOT TRYING TO SAY ALL" "THOSE DOGS ARE BAD DOWN THERE," "BUT WHAT IF I ACCIDENTALLY GET" "ONE OF THOSE CUJOS OR OLD" "YELLERS, RIGHT?" "I'M TELLING YOU, THEY LOVE DOGS" "DOWN THERE SO MUCH, YOU'VE GOT" "TO WATCH OUT WHAT THEY TELL YOU." "I WAS DOWN THERE." "THERE WAS THIS ONE DOG." "THIS THING WAS STARING AT ME SO" "GODDAMNED HARD, MANIAC-LOOKING" "DOG." "I'M LIKE, "WHAT'S UP WITH THIS" "DOG?"" "SHE WAS JUST LIKE, "OH, HE WAS" "CHAINED TO PALLETTE IN A" "JUNKYARD HIS ENTIRE LIFE."" "AND I'M LIKE, "DOES IT HAVE" "ANY ISSUES?"" "SHE'S LIKE, "HE'S A LITTLE" "AGGRESSIVE."" "[laughter]" "IT'S LIKE, "WELL, WERE YOU GONNA" "TELL ME THAT [bleep]." "WERE YOU JUST GONNA THROWN IT IN" "MY HATCHBACK AND LET ME FIGURE" "IT OUT ON THE RIDE HOME?"" "[laughter]" "THE THING'S PULLING OUT A" "SHARPENED TOOTHBRUSH TO STICK IN" "MY NECK." "[laughter]" "NO, THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING." "WHAT IF I ACCIDENTALLY GET ONE" "OF THOSE CRAZY DOGS," "I GET UP AT 2:00 IN THE MORNING" "TO TAKE A LEAK, AND THAT IS THE" "EXACT MOMENT ITS PREVIOUS OWNER" "USED TO COME HOME [bleep]FACED," "BEAT THE CRAP OUT OF THE DOG?" "I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M SETTING" "OFF." "I'M SITTING THERE SHUFFLING" "ALONG IN MY SLIPPERS, TYING MY" "ROBE." "MEANWHILE, THE DOG'S GETTING ALL" "AMPED UP LIKE, "[bleep] THIS [bleep], MAN." "I PROMISED MYSELF I WOULDN'T" "LET THIS HAPPEN AGAIN." "IT'S TIME TO MAN-UP." "LET'S DO THIS ON THREE." "ONE, TWO, THREE."" "AUGH!" "IT COMES FLYING AT ME." "I'M GONNA BE LAYING IN THE" "GROUND IN A POOL OF MY OWN" "BLOOD." "WHAT ARE THEY GONNA DO WITH THE" "DOG?" "THEY'RE GONNA TAKE HIM RIGHT" "BACK DOWN TO THE POUND LIKE SOME" "SORT OF REPEAT OFFENDER." "YOU'RE GONNA SEE HIM ON THE" "NEWS IN, LIKE, SHACKLES, LIKE," "SHUFFLING ALONG." ""WE KNEW YOU'D BE BACK."" ""YEAH, GET ME A MILK-BONE." "GO [bleep] YOURSELF."" "YOU'RE GONNA WHEEL HIM IN LIKE" "HANNIBAL LECTER WITH THAT LAMP" "SHADE AROUND HIS NECK." ""AHH, AHH, AH-AH-AH-AHH."" "[laughter]" "YEAH, SO WE HAVE, LIKE, THIS" "STALEMATE, YOU KNOW." "I WANTED THE BRAND-NEW BULLDOG," "YOU KNOW, AND SHE KEPT SEEING" "THAT SARAH MCLAUGHLIN" "COMMERCIAL, GETTING ALL SAD, YOU" "KNOW?" "OH, THEY OUGHT TO GET SUED FOR" "FALSE ADVERTISEMENT IN THAT" "THING." "I SWEAR TO GOD." "THEY HANDPICKED THOSE DOGS, THE" "CUTEST LITTLE FUZZY..." ""I JUST WANT TO PLAY FRISBEE,"" "THOSE CUTE LITTLE, INNOCENT" "LITTLE DR. SEUSS-LOOKING DOGS." "WHERE ARE THE PIT BULLS?" "WHERE ARE THE ROTTWEILERS?" "WHERE ARE THOSE MANIACS YOU SEE" "LIFTING WEIGHTS DOWN AT THE" "SHELTER?" "[laughter]" "THEY'VE GOT THE SADDEST-LOOKING" "DOGS EVER, AND SHE'S WHINING" "OVER THE TOP OF THEM." "¶ IN THE ARMS OF AN ANGEL ¶" "¶ WHOO-WHOO-WHOOO, BOO-BOO-BOO ¶" "THOSE DOGS ARE LOOKING ALL SAD" "AT THE CAMERA." "[laughter]" ""MY LAST OWNER WASN'T A NICE" "PERSON."" "THE MOST RIDICULOUS BANDAGES," "LIKE THEY WERE IN SAVING PRIVATE" "RYAN," "THAT THREE STOOGES RABBIT EAR." ""I HAVE A TOOTHACHE."" "DID SHEMP OWN THAT DOG?" "WHAT HAPPENED?" "I LOVE THAT WHEN IT'S ALL" "WRAPPED UP LIKE A MUMMY." "IT'S LIKE, HOW?" "WHAT, DID IT GET HIT BY A" "CANNONBALL DURING A CIVIL WAR" "REENACTMENT?" "DID A TYRANNOSAURUS PICK IT UP?" ""AHH-AHH-AHH, POOF,"" "SPIT IT OUT." "MY FAVORITE ONE IS THAT" "ONE-EYED PUG." "OH, THERE'S A GREAT DOG." "YEAH, BRING THAT OVER TO THE" "KIDS." "I'M SURE THAT WON'T FREAK THEM" "OUT AT ALL." ""MOMMY, DID YOU GET US A DOG?"" ""ARRGH, ARRGH."" ""JUST LET HIM SNIFF YOU." "JUST LET HIM SNIFF YOU." "DO NOT APPROACH HIM FROM THE" "RIGHT." "DO NOT APPROACH HIM FROM THE" "RIGHT." "JUST LET HIM SNIFF YOU." "COME AROUND." "IT BECOMES AN ENTIRELY DIFFERENT" "ANIMAL WHEN YOU DO THAT." "JUST KNOW YOU COME FROM--COME" "FROM THE LEFT." "HIS NAME IS POOKY." "WE'RE GONNA CALL HIM POOKY NOW."" "[laughter]" "SO SHE WAS INTO THAT." "I WANTED TO GET THE BULLDOG." "THAT WAS MY THING." "I WAS, LIKE, I WANTED TO GET THE" "BULLDOG, BUT THEN I STARTED" "RESEARCHING ON THE BULLDOGS." "THEY'VE GOT ALL THESE HEALTH" "PROBLEMS, MAN." "FROM DAY ONE, THEY CAN'T EVEN" "BREATHE." "THEY COME OUT INTO THE WORLD." "IT'S LIKE THEY'VE BEEN WORKING" "WITH ASBESTOS THEIR ENTIRE LIFE," "YOU KNOW?" "IT'S UNBELIEVABLE." "THEY CAN'T EVEN BREATHE." "YOU'VE GOT TO HAVE THEM SLEEPING" "UPRIGHT IN THIS LA-Z-BOY RUBBING" "VICKS VAPORUB ON THEIR CHEST." "THEY'VE GOT, LIKE, SLEEP APNEA." "THEY DIE NINE TIMES EVERY NIGHT." "WHY DON'T I JUST RESCUE A" "RETIRED OFFENSIVE LINEMAN WHILE" "I'M AT IT?" ""YEAH, THIS IS JIM JEFFCOAT." "WE'RE GONNA CALL HIM LARRY" "FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE" "FOR SOME STUPID REASON."" "DIDN'TKNOWWHATTODO,SOWE" "WERE AT A STALEMATE, SO MY GIRL" "DID WHAT MOST FEMALES DO." "THEY JUST FIGURE, "I KNOW IT'S" "GOOD FOR HIM." "I KNOW IT'S GONNA MAKE HIM" "HAPPY." "I'M GONNA MAKE A MAJOR DECISION" "WITHOUT HIM, AND THEN HE'S GONNA" "DEAL WITH IT."" "YEAH, THAT'S HOW I GOT A DOG." "I GOT A DOG WHEN I WAS ON THE" "ROAD." "I WAS ON THE ROAD, AND I JUST" "HAD A MESSAGE ON MY MACHINE." "IT WAS JUST, "BOOP,"" "AND IT WAS HER, AND SHE'S JUST" "LIKE, "UM, OKAY, UM, I DID" "SOMETHING, UM, KIND OF INVOLVES" "BOTH OF US, BUT I THINK YOU'RE" "GONNA LOVE IT." "JUST GIVE ME A CALL." "OKAY, BYE."" "NOW, DOES THAT SOUND LIKE, "I" "JUST SIGNED YOU UP FOR A 12" " TO 15-YEAR COMMITMENT"?" "THAT DOESN'T SOUND LIKE THAT," "RIGHT?" "THAT SOUNDS LIKE, "I BOUGHT A" "NEW OUTFIT, AND I'M GONNA DRAG" "YOU TO SOME AWFUL RESTAURANT" "DURING A PLAY-OFF GAME," RIGHT?" "THAT'S WHAT IT FELT LIKE, SO" "I'M READY FOR THAT ARGUMENT." "SHE TELLS ME SHE WENT OUT, AND" "SHE GOT A DOG." "NOW, HALF OF ME ISN'T UPSET," "YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE, "YOU GOT A" "RESCUE DOG?"" ""YEAH, WE HAVE IT FOR A WEEK," "AND, YOU KNOW, IF YOU WANT TO" "KEEP IT, YOU CAN."" "SO I GO, "LET ME SEE IT,"" "SO WE STARTED SKYPEING, AND" "SHE PANS AROUND." "YOU KNOW WHAT SHE GOT?" "SHE GOT A PIT BULL." "I SWEAR TO GOD." "SHE GOT--I'M LIKE, "YOU GOT A" "PIT BULL." "ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR [bleep]" "MIND?" "YOU GOT A PIT BULL?"" "SHE GOES, "IT'S NOT A PIT BULL." "IT'S A MIX."" "MIXED WITH WHAT, ANOTHER PIT" "BULL?" "LOOK AT THAT THING." "IT LOOKS LIKE IT'S BEEN DOING" "PULL-UPS ITS ENTIRE LIFE."" "IT'S FRONT PAWS WERE STILL TAPED" "UP." "IT'S, LIKE, SHADOWBOXING IN THE" "BACKGROUND." "IT'S BEEN P90XIN'." "IT'S A PIT BULL." "JESUS CHRIST." "AND SHE SAYS, LIKE, "NO, HE'S" "SWEET."" "SHE SAID, "NO, SHE'S ADORABLE,"" "AND ALL THIS STUFF." "OH, THIS IS THE WORST PART." "I WASN'T GETTING HOME FOR THREE" "DAYS, YOU KNOW," "AND SHE'S ALL WRAPPED UP IN THIS" "DOG, YOU KNOW, AND I'M LIKE, "I" "DON'T GET HOME FOR THREE DAYS." "WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I GET HOME ON" "MONDAY AND YOU HAVE TO GO TO" "WORK?"" "SHE GOES, "WELL, I JUST FIGURED" "I'D DRIVE TO WORK, AND YOU COULD" "JUST COME HOME TO THE APARTMENT" "AND MEET THE DOG THAT WAY."" "I'M LIKE, "ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR" "MIND?" "I'M NOT COMING HOME TO THAT." "THAT DOG IS BONDING WITH YOU." "IT THINKS YOU GUYS LIVE THERE." "I'M GONNA COME WALKING IN AND" "HAVE MY CALF RIPPED OFF BECAUSE" "I'M TRYING TO SHOW MY NAME ON" "THE PHONE BILL?" "NO, IT'S NOT GOING DOWN LIKE" "THAT."" "SO SHE'S LIKE, "WELL, WHAT DO I" "DO?"" ""I'LL TELL YOU WHAT YOU DO." "YOU TAKE THAT HELL HOUND," "YOU PUT IT IN THE GODDAMNED CAR," "DRIVE IT TO WORK." "PARK IN THE SHADE." "DO WHATEVER YOU'VE GOT TO DO." "I'M COMING HOME TO A SAFE HOUSE," "AND THEN YOU DRIVE HOME WITH THE" "DOG." "CALL ME WHEN YOU'RE A HALF-MILE" "AWAY." "I'LL MEET YOU AND CUJO DOWN IN" "THE DRIVEWAY." "WE WILL ALL WALK IN TOGETHER." "I WILL BE IN THE FRONT TO SHOW" "THAT I AM THE PACK LEADER," "BECAUSE I WATCHED HALF AN" "EPISODE OF THE DOG WHISPERER," "AND I THINK THAT THAT'S WHAT" "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO DO," "I THINK." "I DON'T KNOW." "OH, IT'S ALL TRUE, RIGHT?" "SO I GO DOWN TO THE DRIVEWAY," "AND I SEE THE DOG." "IT'S A BEAUTIFUL DOG." "IT'S LITERALLY, LIKE, WALKING" "LIKE A MARINE OR SOME [bleep]" "LIKE IT'S SNEAKING INTO" "SOMETHING." "AND I'M LIKE, "OKAY, HERE WE" "GO," TURNING MY BACK ON A PIT" "BULL THAT I DON'T EVEN KNOW" "THAT TURNS OUT THEY DIDN'T GET" "IT TO SHELTER." "THEY FOUND IT BY THE L.A. RIVER." "IT LIVED BY THE L.A. RIVER" "FOR TWO WEEKS, AND MY GIRL'S" "RESPONSE TO THAT WAS LIKE," ""ISN'T THAT SAD?"" ""NO, IT'S [bleep] SCARY."" ""WHY IS IT SCARY?"" ""WELL, OBVIOUSLY, IT GOT ENOUGH" "PROTEIN, SO IT WASN'T EATING" "BERRIES OUT THERE." "THAT THING WAS CHOKING OUT" "COYOTES, YOU KNOW," "BREAKING THE NECKS OF SQUIRRELS." "I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT WAS DOING," "BUT IT DEFINITELY WAS--YOU" "BROUGHT A MURDERER INTO THE" "HOUSE." "WHY DON'T YOU JUST RESCUE AN" "ALLIGATOR WHILE YOU'RE AT IT" "JUST TO ADD TO THE EXCITEMENT?"" "SO WE GET THE DOG IN THE DAMN" "HOUSE, AND IT'S EXACTLY WHAT I" "THOUGHT WAS GONNA HAPPEN." "THE DOG'S SITTING THERE LOOKING" "AT HER, AND THEN IT'S LOOKING AT" "ME AND THEN LOOKING AT HER" "LIKE, "WHO THE HELL'S THE NEW" "GUY," RIGHT?" "THE NEW GUY IS THE GUY PAYING" "THE [bleep] RENT, AND I WAS" "GETTING NO RESPECT, SO I WAS" "JUST LIKE, RIGHT THERE, I WAS" "JUST LIKE, "I KNOW WHAT SHE'S" "DOING." "I KNOW WHAT SHE'S DOING." "SHE'S BRINGING THIS DOG HOME," "BECAUSE SHE THINKS I'M GONNA" "FALL FOR IT, AND THEN WE'LL JUST" "HAVE THE DOG."" "AND IT'S JUST, LIKE, I LOVE" "ANIMALS, OKAY, BUT I'M NOT GONNA" "LIVE WITH ONE THAT CAN [bleep]" "KILL ME, YOU KNOW?" "RESCUE A CHIHUAHUA, SO WHEN IT" "FLIPS OUT BECAUSE I GRABBED THE" "REMOTE TOO QUICKLY, I CAN FLICK" "IT OFF THE GODDAMNED TABLE OR" "SOMETHING, YOU KNOW?" "SO THAT'S WHAT I WAS DOING." "WE GOT IT FOR A WEEK." "WE GOT IT FOR A WEEK, AND THEN" "WE MAKE OUR DECISION, SO I" "JUST SHUT DOWN EMOTIONALLY." "I WAS LIKE, "[bleep] THIS DOG."" "THE FIRST TWO DAYS, I DIDN'T" "GIVE A [bleep], YOU KNOW." "THE DOG'S SITTING THERE LOOKING" "AT ME, YOU KNOW, AND I WAS" "JUST LIKE, JESUS CHRIST," "RIGHT, YOU KNOW?" "THEN ON WEDNESDAY, I DON'T KNOW" "WHAT HAPPENED." "I STARTED TO LIKE IT A LITTLE" "BIT, YOU KNOW?" "NO, I WAS WATCHING TV, YOU KNOW." "I ALWAYS TALK TO MYSELF." "I'M ALWAYS HOME ALONE." "I FEEL LIKE A MANIAC." "I FINALLY HAD SOMEBODY TO BOUNCE" "MY IDEAS OFF." "IT WAS KIND OF NICE," "SITTING THERE ON TV," ""YOU BELIEVE THESE GODDAMNED" "BANKERS STEAL A TRILLION" "DOLLARS, AND THEY GET A" "BONUS--AND THEY GET A BONUS?"" "THE DOG'S SITTING THERE LOOKING" "AT ME, YOU KNOW." "[laughter]" "BUT I'M FIGHTING IT." ""GOD DAMN IT." "I THINK I LIKE THIS DOG A LITTLE" "BIT," YOU KNOW?" "IT'S MAKING ME WANT TO WORK" "OUT, YOU KNOW?" "I ASKED IT A QUESTION." ""HOW DO YOU GET THESE MUSCLES?" "WHAT DO YOU DO FOR THESE," "A WHEEL CRANK?" "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"" "[laughter]" "AND THEN BY THURSDAY, YOU KNOW," "I'M GETTING OUT IN THE AIR." "I'M WALKING THE DOG, AND I'M" "LIKE, "GOD DAMN IT." "I THINK I LOVE THIS DOG." "THIS IS [bleep]."" "YOU KNOW, I DON'T KNOW IF YOU" "EVER WALKED A PIT BULL." "YOU OWE TO YOUR LIFE AT SOME" "POINT IN YOUR LIFE TO WALK A PIT" "BULL DOWN THE STREET." "I'M TELLING YOU, IT'S THE" "GREATEST EXPERIENCE EVER." "PEOPLE JUST GET THE [bleep] OUT" "OF THE WAY." "[laughter]" "IT'S UNREAL." "THREE, FOUR BLOCKS AWAY, THEY" "SEE ME COMING." "THEY JUST IMMEDIATELY CROSS THE" "STREET." "IT'S TREMENDOUS." "I DON'T KNOW WHY BLACK PEOPLE" "COMPLAIN ABOUT THAT." "I LOVE HAVING THE WHOLE SIDE OF" "THE STREET TO MYSELF." "IT'S GREAT." "I FEEL LIKE A KING." "OH, IT'S AWESOME." "IT'S THE GREATEST THING EVER." "PIT BULLS ARE THE [bleep]." "IT'S LIKE A GUN YOU CAN PET." "IT'S THE ONLY WAY TO DESCRIBE" "IT." "IT'S AWESOME." "THEY MAKE YOU WANT TO P90X OR" "SOMETHING." "JUST GET IN BETTER SHAPE." "SO THEN BY FRIDAY--I MEAN, BY" "FRIDAY, THE DOG WAS LITERALLY" "MESSING UP MY RELATIONSHIP." "MY POOR GIRL IS SITTING ON THE" "COUCH BY HERSELF." "I'M SITTING THERE SPOONING WITH" "THE DOG." ""OH, THIS DOG IS AWESOME." "THIS DOG IS AWESOME." "WATCH ME GET HER LEG GOING." "I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED." "IN FOUR DAYS, I WENT FROM" ""[bleep] THIS DOG," TO," ""OH, MY GOD." "THIS THING IS GONNA DIE SOMEDAY." "HOW AM I EMOTIONALLY GONNA BE" "ABLE TO DEAL WITH IT?"" "OH, I LOVE IT, ABSOLUTELY." "I CARRY IT AROUND LIKE A BABY." "OH, IT'S THE GREATEST THING" "EVER." "YOU COME HOME." "IT'S SHAKING HIS TAIL." "IT'S ALL EXCITED, LIKE, "DUDE," "YOU'RE [bleep] AWESOME," YOU" "KNOW?" "IT'S LIKE, "DUDE, YOU HAVE NO" "IDEA HOW MUCH I NEED THAT," YOU" "KNOW?" "IT'S TREMENDOUS, AND YOU CAN'T" "APPRECIATE HOW AWESOME A DOG IS" "AS A KID." "YOU CAN ONLY DO IT AS AN ADULT." "AS A KID, THERE'S, LIKE, NO" "FRAME OF REFERENCE." "IT'S, LIKE, YOU'RE A KID." "YOUR WHOLE LIFE IS AWESOME." "IT'S AWESOME, RIGHT?" "YOU EVER THINK ABOUT BEING A" "KID?" "YOU HAD NO MONEY." "YOU HAD NO I.D., NO CELL PHONE," "NO NOTHING, NO KEYS TO THE" "HOUSE." "YOU JUST RAN OUTSIDE INTO THE" "WOODS." "YOU WEREN'T SCARED OF NOTHING." "I CHALLENGE YOU TO DO THAT AS AN" "ADULT," "ALL YOUR I.D., ALL YOUR CREDIT" "CARDS, JUST RUN OUT OF THE" "HOUSE, NO PHONE, TURN THE" "CORNER, WHERE YOU CAN'T SEE YOUR" "HOUSE AND NOT HAVE A FULL-ON" "PANIC ATTACK, LIKE, "OH, MY GOD." "WHAT IF SOMETHING HAPPENS TO ME?" "I'LL GET LOCKED UP." "NO ONE WILL KNOW WHO I AM." "WHAT IF I TWIST MY ANKLE?"" "YOUR WHOLE LIFE IS AWESOME AS A" "KID, RIGHT?" "YOU SHOW UP, NO MONEY." "YOU JUST GET STUFF, REAL CHEESE," "MOVIE TICKETS, RIGHT?" "WHY WOULDN'T A DOG BE AWESOME?" "EVERYTHING IS AWESOME." "IT'S NOT TILL YOU'RE AN ADULT" "THAT YOU APPRECIATE IT, RIGHT?" "YOUR DREAMS START DYING." "SOMEBODY CHEATS ON YOU, RIGHT?" "BANKERS [bleep] UP YOUR 401(k)," "YOU KNOW, AND THEN YOU COME" "HOME, AND THAT DOG'S LOOKING AT" "YOU LIKE, "DUDE, YOU'RE" "AWESOME," AND IT'S LIKE, "NO," "DUDE, YOU--YOU ARE [bleep]." "YOU ARE THE [bleep]."" "NO, IT'S THE GREATEST THING" "EVER, ABSOLUTELY." "NO, IT'S UNREAL." "IT'S UNREAL." "BUT POOR GIRLFRIEND." "SHE'S SITTING THERE GOING," ""JESUS CHRIST, YOU LOVE THE DOG" "MORE THAN YOU LOVE ME."" "I WAS LIKE, "WELL, SWEETIE," "YOU'RE NOT AT THE BACK DOOR" "SHAKING YOUR ASS EVERY TIME I" "COME HOME."" "[laughter]" "IT'S A REALLY A TOUGH--NO MATTER" "WHAT TIME, 4:00 IN THE MORNING" "DRUNK." "THE DOG DOESN'T GIVE A [bleep]." ""HEY, THAT'S AWESOME." "WHOO."" "[laughter]" "ANDI 'M41YEARSOLD ,AND IF" "I'M LUCKY, YOU KNOW WHAT I" "REALIZED?" "I'M HALFWAY THROUGH MY [bleep]" "RIGHT NOW." "I'M HALFWAY THROUGH MY LIFE, SO," "YOU KNOW, I'M GETTING NERVOUS," "YOU KNOW, ABOUT DYING, YOU" "KNOW, JUST GROWING OLD, MAN." "I WAS NEVER REALLY NERVOUS ABOUT" "TILL I GOT TO THIS AGE, AND," "YOU KNOW--YOU KNOW WHAT IT WAS?" "I WENT TO MY GRANDMOTHER'S 100-YEAR BIRTHDAY PARTY," "AND I QUICKLY REALIZED THAT" "WOMEN AGE A LOT BETTER TOWARDS" "THE END, YOU KNOW?" "GUYS, WE HANG WITH THEM IN THE" "BEGINNING, BECAUSE WE'RE YOUNG," "AND THEN IN THE MIDDLE, THEY'RE" "HAVING KIDS, SO WE KIND OF PASS" "THEM, BUT THAT END, THAT LAST" "THIRD, WE'RE LIKE THE STOCK" "MARKET." "WE JUST--WE JUST GO RIGHT DOWN" "TO THE GROUND." "IT'S BRUTAL." "I WENT TO THIS PARTY." "ALL THE OLD LADIES THERE WERE" "UNBELIEVABLY SHARP." "THEY WERE STILL PLAYING CARDS." "THEY WERE RIGHT THERE." "BUT SOME OF THE OLD DUDES, MAN," "THEY WERE BRUTAL, YOU KNOW?" "YOU EVER SEE A GUY, LIKE, SO" "OLD, HE HAS, LIKE, THAT" "PERMANENT LOOK OF HORROR ON HIS" "FACE?" "[laughter]" "YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?" "A COUPLE OF GUYS WALKED IN." "THEY LOOKED OKAY." ""HOW YA DOIN'?"" "THEN THERE'S ALWAYS THAT ONE GUY" "THAT JUST COMES WALKING IN JUST" "LIKE... [laughter]" "DUDE, EVEN WHEN THEY'RE SITTING" "DOWN MEETING PEOPLE." ""AND THIS IS MY GRANDSON BILL."" "[laughter]" "IT'S LIKE, "DUDE, HOW MUCH PAIN" "ARE YOU IN THAT YOU CONSTANTLY" "HAVE A LOOK ON YOUR FACE LIKE" "THAT [bleep] FROM THE RING" "JUST CRAWLED OUT" "OF YOUR TV SET?"" "DUDE, THAT'S GOT TO BE" "YOU'RE, LIKE, SO OLD, LIKE," "EVERYTHING HURTS." "YOU'RE JUST STANDING UP." "YOU'RE LIKE, "AHH, MY FEET."" "YOU GO TO LEAN ON SOMETHING." ""AHH, MY ARM."" "EVEN, LIKE, BLINKING, LIKE, AIR" "HURTS." ""HEE-AAAAAHH."" "DUDE, [bleep] KILL ME." "KILL ME IF I EVER END UP LIKE" "THAT." "DUDE, I'LL [bleep] KILL MYSELF." "I'LL ROCK MYSELF DOWN A FLIGHT" "OF STAIRS." "I'LL LEAN BACK, HIT MY HEAD ON A" "SINK, WHATEVER I'VE GOT TO DO." "I TOLD YOU, I ALREADY THINK" "ABOUT KILLING MYSELF TWICE A" "WEEK AT THIS AGE." "THERE IS NO [bleep] WAY I'M" "GOING OUT LIKE THAT." "AT THE END OF MY LIFE, I'M" "WALKING AROUND..." "AND EVERYONE ELSE HAS THAT" "PANICKED, "OH, [bleep]." "IS IT GOING DOWN?" LOOK ON" "THEIR FACE." "I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU DO IT." "HOW DO YOU WAKE UP EVERY" "MORNING BRUSHING YOUR TEETH?" "HOW DO FIGHT THE URGE TO NOT" "JUST JAM THAT TOOTHBRUSH RIGHT" "DOWN YOUR THROAT?" "I'LL TELL YOU WHAT KILLS ME," "WAS, ONLY THE OLD GUYS HAD THAT" "LOOK ON THEIR FACE." "NONE OF THE OLD LADIES DID." "SOME OF THE OLD LADIES HAD A" "LOOK OF, LIKE, MILD" "DISAPPOINTMENT, YOU KNOW?" "JUST SITTING THERE LIKE... [laughter]" "YOU KNOW, LIKE THEY ALWAYS" "WANTED TO GO TO EUROPE, BUT THEY" "NEVER GOT AROUND TO IT." "[laughter]" "BUT ONLY THE OLD GUYS HAD, LIKE," "THAT... [laughter]" "DUDE, IT WAS ALMOST LIKE THEY" "WANTED TO TELL YOU A SECRET." "LIKE, "WHERE'S THE GOLD?"" "[laughter]" ""CAN YOU REMEMBER THE" "COMBINATION?"" "[laughter]" "WHAT IS THAT?" "SOMEBODY SAID IT'S, LIKE, A MILD" "FORM OF DEMENTIA OR IT'S, YOU" "KNOW?" "YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK IT'S FROM?" "I THINK IT'S FROM BEING MARRIED" "FOR 60 YEARS, GETTING NAGGED" "EVERY DAY, AND NEVER ONCE" "LOOKING AT YOUR WIFE BEING LIKE," ""YOU KNOW WHAT?" "HOW ABOUT YOU SHUT THE [bleep]" "UP?" "HOW ABOUT THAT?" "HEY, I GOT IT." "YOU'RE NOT HAPPY." "WELL, THEN [bleep] LEAVE."" "[laughter and applause]" "IS IT THAT, OR DO THEY, LIKE," "WEAR YOU DOWN?" "I THINK THEY WEAR YOU DOWN," "BECAUSE I KNOW AS A YOUNG MAN," "I HAD A LOT MORE SPRING IN MY" "STEP." "YOUNG GUYS, YOUR GIRL GIVES YOU [bleep], YOU KNOW," "YOU CAN GO FOR A DRIVE." ""WHERE'S THIS RELATIONSHIP" "GOING?" "THIS FEELS WEIRD." "WE NEED TO TALK."" ""HEY, [bleep] YOU, LADY."" "YOU GET IN THE CAR AND GO FOR" "A DRIVE, PUNCH THE CEILING A" "COUPLE TIMES." "YOU SCREAM OUT THE WINDOW," ""BITCH," YOU KNOW?" "YOU GET IT OUT." "YOU GET IT OUT BEFORE YOUR FACE" "GETS ALL TWISTED UP." "GET IT OUT." "AH, I'M BACK TO ME." "YEAH, YEAH, ALL RIGHT." "THEN WHAT HAPPENS?" "WHAT HAPPENS?" "YOU STAY IN THE RELATIONSHIP." "YOU STAY IN THE RELATIONSHIP," "RIGHT?" "YOU GET MARRIED." "15 YEARS LATER, YOU'VE GOT A" "COUPLE OF KIDS." "YOU'VE GOT A LITTLE GUT GOING," "ALL RIGHT?" "SHE STARTS IN ON YOU WITH THAT" "WHOLE LAUNDRY LIST OF STUFF" "YOU'VE GOT TO DO BECAUSE YOU'RE" "MARRIED." ""SUSIE HAS BALLET PRACTICE." "IT GETS OVER AT 2:00." "MAKE SURE YOU'RE THERE AT 2:00." "YOU WERE THERE AT 2:02 THE" "OTHER DAY, AND SHE WAS VERY" "UPSET." "NO, YOU WERE." "YOU WERE." "I ACTUALLY DOCUMENTED THE RECORD" "ON MY FACEBOOK PAGE AND..."" "AND YOU WANT TO GIVE HER AN" "UPPERCUT." "YOU WANT TO GIVE HER AN" "UPPERCUT." "NO, IT'S A NATURAL THOUGHT." "IT'S A NATURAL THOUGHT." "BUT YOU DON'T." "YOU NEVER LEAD WITH AN UPPERCUT." "YOU SET IT UP WITH THE JAB." "YOU GET INSIDE." "YOU COME RIGHT UP THROUGH THE" "CLEAVAGE." "YOU ROCK THAT HEAD BACK." "YOU SEND HER RIGHT ACROSS THE" "LINOLEUM, TAKE THAT DIRTY PISTOL" "OUT." "YOU LAY IT NEXT TO HER, WIPE" "OFF THE DOOR HANDLE." "NO, [bleep]." "NO, YOU DON'T DO THAT." "[laughter]" "NO, YOU DON'T." "YOU NEVER HIT A WOMAN." "YOU SHOULD NEVER HIT A WOMAN." "YOU'RE GONNA GET CAUGHT." "YOU'RE GONNA GO TO JAIL." "YOU'RE GONNA GET RAPED." "IT'S AWFUL, YOU KNOW." "YOU DON'T DO THAT, RIGHT?" "BUT WHAT DO YOU DO NOW?" "WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO NOW," "RIGHT?" "YOU'RE MARRIED, RIGHT?" "YOU CAN'T YELL, 'CAUSE YOUR KIDS" "ARE THERE." "YOU CAN'T GO FOR A DRIVE." "YOU DON'T HAVE A COOL CAR" "ANYMORE." "YOU'VE GOT, LIKE, SOME CARAVAN" "WITH THOSE STICKY" "CHILDREN OF THE CORN" "HANDPRINTS ALL OVER THE" "WINDSHIELD." "SO WHAT DO YOU DO?" "YOU GO DOWN IN THE BASEMENT," "AND YOU JUST DO THAT, LIKE," "WHISPER YELLING." "[bleep]." "[bleep]." "AND THEN I THINK JUST ONE DAY," "YOU'RE JUST TOO OLD." "YOU'RE JUST TOO OLD." "YOU'RE TIRED." "YOU'VE BEEN MARRIED, LIKE, 60 YEARS." "YOUR BODY'S BREAKING DOWN." "YOU BLEW YOUR KNEE OUT AT THE" ""Y" PLAYING PICKUP BALL, LIKE, 30 YEARS EARLIER IN THE" "50-AND-OLDER LEAGUE," "YOU KNOW, AND YOU JUST WANT" "TO WATCH THE GAME," "AND SHE COMES IN THAT ONE LAST" "TIME, RIGHT, JUST TO ANNOY YOU." "JUST PICKING ON YOU." ""AND YOU WERE ALWAYS MEAN TO MY" "MOTHER, AND I ALWAYS RESENTED" "YOU FOR IT." "WHY COULDN'T YOU HAVE BEEN MORE" "LIKE YOUR BROTHER," RIGHT?" "AND YOU START TO--"YOU KNOW" "WHAT?" "[bleep] THIS." "I'M NOT LISTENING TO THIS,"" "RIGHT?" "AND YOU GO TO GET UP," "AND THAT'S WHEN IT HITS YOU" "THAT THEY DAY BEFORE WAS THE" "LAST DAY YOU HAD THE QUAD" "STRENGTH TO GET UP AND OUT OF" "YOUR FAVORITE CHAIR, AND THAT'S" "WHEN THE PANIC SETS IN." "YOU'RE LIKE, "OH, [bleep]." "DUDE, I CAN'T GET UP." "OH, MY GOD." "I'VE GOT TO LISTEN TO THIS FOR" "THE REST OF MY LIFE."" "[laughter] [cheers and applause]" "NO, THAT'S WHAT IT IS." "THAT'S WHAT IT IS." "NO, A LOT OF PEOPLE DON'T" "REALIZE THOSE OLD GUYS ARE" "ACTUALLY TRYING TO ESCAPE." "THAT'S WHAT THEY'RE DOING." "LIKE, "IS SHE LOOKING?" "AM I GONNA MAKE IT?" "AVENGE ME."" "LISTEN, I'M OUT OF TIME." "YOU GUYS WERE AWESOME." "THANK YOU SO, SO MUCH FOR" "COMING OUT." "I REALLY APPRECIATE IT." "THANK YOU."