"Hey, gang." "Great news." "Popcorn Chicken is back?" "!" "No, Popcorn Chicken is not back." "A TV crew is going to shoot an infomercial at Cattleman's Ranch!" "Whoa, cool!" "An infomercial?" "What's that?" "It's like a commercial, but longer." "And they come on late at night." "I watch them when I can't sleep because of Grandma's snoring through the wall." "_" "_" "How are you gonna serve food if there's a bunch of TV people running around the restaurant?" "We're closing the restaurant for the day." "They're paying us a generous location fee." "They're paying you to not serve food?" "I love it." "Great scam." "Some of those infomercials are so cool." "Dad, would it be okay if I went down to the restaurant to watch?" "Hmm." "Can I get my son into my own restaurant?" "I'll see if I can pull some strings." "Oh, um, I'm actually busy." "That's okay." "You don't have to come." "Oh, okay." "I see how it is." "This will only make me stronger!" "Where is my papaya?" "Excuse me?" "My papaya." "I was saving it." "My morning papaya is my one moment of joy, the thing that gets me ready for the day, and someone ate my papaya." "Oh!" "Okay, it was me." "I knew it!" "Evan, what's that thing you learned in church?" "Turn the other cheek." "No, the other thing about Bible justice?" " An eye for an eye?" " That's the one." "Hey, that's the last of the Lucky Charms!" "You eat my papaya, I eat your cereal." "Purple horseshoe?" "Is this some kind of a political thing?" "What is this?" "S03E15 Living While Eddie" "♪ Fresh off the boat ♪" "♪ I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go ♪" "♪ If you don't know, homey, now you know ♪" "♪ Fresh off the boat ♪" "♪ Homey, you don't know where I come from ♪" "♪ But I know where I'm goin' ♪" "♪ I'm fresh off the boat ♪" "[Video-game music plays]" "[Sighs] Bananas." "That's all I get." "Can't a brother get a red shell?" "Eddie, you're not gonna believe it." "Don't distract me." "I'm on Rainbow Road." "There's no guardrails." "Eddie, put the joystick down." "[Video game beeps]" "I just had lunch at my white friend Zack's house, and I saw something." "Delicious lunch, Mr. and Mrs. Z." "Can I help with the dishes?" "You relax." "I'll just put them in the machine." "[Beeps, dishwasher whirring]" "I don't get it." "Why would she put dirty plates in the drying rack?" "That's just it, Eddie." "It's not a drying rack." "It's a dishwasher." "You mean the thing we put our dishes in after we wash them in the sink?" "The drying rack." "Darn it, Edwyn!" "That's what I'm telling you!" "It's a machine that washes the dishes for you." "With jets of water that shoot on the plates." "I'm sorry." "I get emotional just thinking about it." "The one at Zack's house looks just like it." "Only it had buttons." "Is that tape?" "[Gasps] The controls!" "Super Rinse, Heavy Duty." "Pots and Pans?" "What are you boys doing?" "We've had a dishwasher this whole time?" "Why haven't we been using it?" "Because this family doesn't believe in dishwashers." "It was there when we moved in." "We'll never use it." "Why not?" "Because it's wasteful." "It makes you soft, and it's hard on the dishware." "Chinese people respect their nice plates." "That's why they're called "China."" "But..." "No dishwasher!" "Wash and dry dishes the usual way." "Ooh!" "It has a setting for crystal." "What a gentle beast." "Oh." "[Chuckles] Emery:" "Whoa!" "This is amazing." "Ah, Louis." "Hey, the place looks great." "This is my son Emery." "This is Reggie, the director." "Hi, Emery." "Are you here to see how an infomercial is made?" "It's so glamorous." "What do you call these things?" "Uh, lights." "[Sighs] Lights." "Okay, settle down. [Chuckles]" "Oh. "The On-Gun"?" "It's "The Un-Gun." It's a Salad Shooter for onions." "Oh." "Well, why not call it "The Gunion"?" "Hey, mister, wh-where were you during our three-day creative retreat, huh?" "[Laughs] It took you three days to come up with On-Gun?" "A lot of it was, uh, you know, like, volleyball." "Oh." "And then there was a swimming party at the end." "[New Zealand accent] Hello, hello, hello!" "Oh." "You must be the proprietor of this fine establishment." "Oh, "proprietor." I like that." "Sounds fancy." "[Chuckles] Hi, I'm Louis..." "[New Zealand accent] "Proprietor."" "Tony Wonder at your service." "Oh!" "I've seen a bunch of your infomercials." "My favorite is the Dyna-Broom." "Always nice to meet a fan." "[Normal voice] Oh." ""Keep it squiggy." "Tony."" "Oh, thank you!" "I guess I'll just hold onto this." "Bad news, boss." "Our Salad Eater just called in sick." "What?" "!" "No, no, no, no, no, no, no!" "Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!" "Oh!" "What are we gonna do?" "What are we gonna do?" "We need somebody to eat the salad and then..." "Oh, boy." "I have an idea." "Why doesn't Louis play our Salad Eater?" " Really, me?" " Really, him?" "Reggie:" "Wait a minute." "Yeah." "No." "I..." "Hold on." "Yeah." "Yes." "Yeah!" "I like it." "Yeah, yeah." "All right." "Huzzah!" "This calls for a souvenir." "Oh, no." "I-I-I-I..." ""Welcome to the cast, Louie baby."" "[Chuckles] Well, thank you." "Now we don't have to fight over just the one." "Let's go." "[Whirring]" "It's warm." "Disobedience." "♪ Man, the panic, funkmode ♪" "♪ Mechanical mix flows ♪" "♪ Competition in my dojo ♪" "♪ In my dojo ♪" "♪ In my dojo ♪" "♪ In my do... ♪" "[Music stops, door opens]" "Eddie, I specifically told you not to use the dishwasher." " I didn't!" " Then why are the plates warm?" "It's Florida." "Everything's warm." "[Huffs]" "Okay." "Maybe someone used the dishwasher, but it wasn't me." "I wash dishes by hand, the stupid way." "Let me see your hands." "If your fingers look like raisins," "I'll know you're telling the truth." "They were wrinkly before, but they plumped already." "I know what's going on here..." "I'm being profiled!" "Profiled?" "Every time something bad happens, you assume I'm the one who did it." "I'm a victim of institutional bias." "What?" "How do you know these words?" "Oh, I can't know things?" "!" "Another assumption." "No allowance, three weeks." "I'm not paying you to do chores that a machine is doing for you." "But I was saving up to buy an N64 and play "GoldenEye" the day it comes out." "Oddjob's gonna bust a cap in some fools." "Hearing what you want to do with that money only makes me know I'm doing the right thing." "You're stressing me out." "I need to eat." "[Sighs]" "[Spritzing]" "Okay, Louis, are you ready to eat some salad?" "Call me the Titanic, 'cause I'm about to tear into some iceberg." "Great." "So, for this first shot, Tony's gonna demonstrate the Un-Gun." "And then he'll ask, "And how does it work on those salads?"" "At which point, we will pan over to you, and you're gonna say your line, which is," ""Onions, shallots, scallions..." "It does it all!"" "And then you eat some salad." "Got it. [Chuckles]" "Hey, um, that thing I said about the Titanic earlier," "I didn't mean to offend anyone." "That was a huge tragedy." "All right." "Places everyone!" "Here we go." "Hi, Dad." "I just wanted to wish you good luck." "Uhp." "In showbiz, we say "break a leg."" "Wishing someone good luck is actually bad luck." " Good to know." " Hmm." "I'm surprised how calm you are." "If I were in your shoes, I'd be so nervous." "Nervous?" "Why?" "This infomercial is gonna be seen by hundreds of people, every one of them dissecting your performance, wondering, "Why this guy?" "Why does he get to be the Salad Eater?"" "It's like they're setting you up for failure." "Okay." "Break all your legs!" "Reggie:" "And let's roll cameras." "Man:" "Rolling." "Reggie:" "And... action!" "The Un-Gun." "It's so easy, the only thing you'll be crying about is not getting one sooner." "[Laughs] [Motor whirs]" "And how does it work on that salad?" "Onions, shallions, scallots..." "It does all of them!" "Okay, cut. [Bell rings]" "[Chuckles] How was that?" "Uh, you just mixed up some of the words." "The line is, "Onions, shallots, scallions..." "It does it all."" "What did I say?" "You said something different, but it doesn't matter." "Let's do it again." "Let's, uh, roll camera." "Man:" "Rolling." "And... action!" "And how does it work on that salad?" "Onions, shillions, skillets..." "It does them all!" "Cut." "Onions, shallots, sicillians..." "It does them all!" "Okay, cut." "Onions, garlic, galleons..." "It does them all!" "Onions, onions, onions..." "And cut." "Cut, cut, cut." "Onions, onions." "Louis." "What?" "Onions, scallions, shallots." "It do..." "[Laughs] "It do."" "[Muffled] Onions, scallions, shallots..." "It does them all!" "Oh!" "I'm supposed to eat after the line." "Sorry." "Onions, shallions..." "Kyle, you're in the sho..." "Onions, shal..." "Oop!" "Oh, I got dressing on my sleeve." "Onions, shallots, scallions." "Line?" "Cut." "Forget it." "Louis, I'm so tired." "[Sighs]" "[Whispers] Good tea." "Why are you whispering?" "I'm saving my voice for the infomercial tomorrow." "You're not done yet?" "You were there till midnight." "[Normal voice] I had a little trouble getting the line." "But they said it was no big deal." "We just have to shoot again tomorrow." "Which means an extra day of location fees." "You okay?" "I thought you would be excited about that." "I'm just worried about Eddie." "What's wrong?" "Today I told him not to use the dishwasher, and he did it anyway." "We have a dishwasher?" "Then he has the nerve to look me in the eye and lie about it." "Hmm." "Eddie has always been... colorful, but I'm just starting to worry." "Are we raising a bad kid?" "[Sighs] No way." "Eddie's got a good heart." "He's probably just excited to try out the machine, which apparently we have." "You're probably right." "Don't worry." "He'll be fine." "[Grandma Huang snoring]" "[Whispering] Could you yell at my mom to turn on her side?" "I'd do it, but... my instrument." "That dishwasher should never have been connected in the first place." "Who knows how much water has been wasted dripping into those hoses?" "It must have cost us a fortune in drips." "You know who's a drip?" "Ziggy." "It's like, "Put on some pants."" "There." "You now have a nonfunctioning dishwasher." "Thank you." "Now this machine won't make us soft." "_" "[Telephone rings]" "Hello?" "What?" "!" "Where's the manager?" "[Door opens]" "Where is he?" "!" "Who?" "My son!" "You called and said you caught him shoplifting." "Uh, that... that wasn't me." "Isn't this Razorshank Records?" "It is." "We have another location in the mall." "[Sighs]" "You need to be clearer on the phone." "And you are in big trouble." "[Telephone rings]" "Razorshank Records..." "Mall location." "And that's when I found this CD tucked into his waistband." "Eddie, what were you thinking?" "I know what he wasn't thinking..." "All stolen merchandise comes out of Howie's paycheck." "But you know who does think about that?" "Howie." "Howie thinks about it all the time." "I'm Howie, if that wasn't clear." "I swear, I didn't steal that CD!" "I brought it from home." "This place buys used CDs, and since you took away my allowance," "I was gonna sell my old "Street Fighter" soundtrack" " for some extra skrill." " Oh, really?" "If you weren't stealing, then why was this tucked into your waistband?" "Because my pockets were full of Runts candy." "Okay." "Let's see this candy." "I ate it on the way over here." "That's what they're for." "They're my traveling Runts." "You even ate the bananas?" "Yeah, right." "Howie, I am so sorry about all of this." "He's gonna be in big trouble when he gets home." "Oh, he's going to jail." "What?" "It's corporate policy to prosecute shoplifters to the fullest extent of the law." "Corporate policy?" "Your logo is a man slapping a cop!" "Maybe there's a bee on his face." "We see what we want to see." "Red leather, yellow leather." "La, la, la, la, la, la." "Hey." "Hey, Dad." "Emery, I've been practicing all morning and I think I finally got it." "Onions, shallots, scallions..." "It does them..." "Yeah, about that." "I've got bad news." "They want someone else to play the Salad Eater." "What?" "Who?" "Emery, we're ready for you." "You're the new Salad Eater?" "I happened to be walking by and heard them saying they were gonna recast you." "Then the director looked at me through his fingers, and next thing I knew, I had the part." "That doesn't even make sense." "Kids hate salad." "Not Danny Winterbottom." "Who's Danny Winterbottom?" "My character." "He loves salad because he was raised on a lettuce farm." "Growing up, his mom would give him salad as a treat." "Oh, I see what's going on here." "Making me nervous about being on TV, wishing me luck." "You were sabotaging me from the start." "I don't feel bad." "When I found out what the lights were," "I knew I wanted to be in front of them." "Sorry, Dad." "It's "infomercial," not "friend-mercial."" "Sorry how this all went down." "Please accept this consolation bobblehead." "We're both sorry." "Aren't we, little Tony?" "Yeah." "Do you really think if I were to steal a CD, it would be the "Street Fighter" soundtrack?" ""Makaveli" just came out." ""Life After Death" just came out." "Why would I shoplift a two-year-old soundtrack from a movie about a video game?" "You'd be amazed at what people try to steal." "Last week, my mom made us snickerdoodles to celebrate the end of Lent." "Gone." "Boss, the new Spice Girls CD isn't ringing up." "The line out front has gone from Baby to Scary." "Excuse me." "I have to deal with this." "Don't go anywhere." "I can't believe you stole." " I told you, I'm not a thief." " That's what you say." "But after what happened with the dishwasher, how can I believe you?" "[Sighs]" "All right." "I admit it." "I used the dishwasher." "Aha!" "And I did lie about it, but I didn't steal the CD." "That's the truth." "I knew it." "I knew you were lying all along, about the dishwasher, eating my papaya." "Oh, I didn't eat your papaya." "Papayas are gross." "Those slimy black seeds?" "Ugh!" "Hard pass." "Well, if you didn't eat my papaya, who did?" "I don't want to say." "Eddie, tell me!" "I can't." "I live by a code." "Howie, put him in jail!" "Fine." "It was Evan." "Evan?" "Really?" "It wasn't his fault." "He didn't mean to eat your breakfast." "He just has a weakness for tropical fruit." "He also has a clean record, so I took the fall for him." "I mean, what's another papaya on my rap sheet?" "You mean you sat and watched me eat your Irish elf cereal just so your little brother wouldn't get into trouble?" "Yeah." "Of course." "Uh, Mom, are you okay?" "[Chuckles]" "I'm proud of you, Eddie." "Really?" "So you're not mad that I lied?" "No, I'm not mad." "So, you're saying sometimes it's good to lie?" "No." "Don't make me mad again." "You lied about us having a dishwasher." "Isn't that hypocritical?" "Eddie, there is something called a "white lie."" "And that is a lie that protects you from all the things that make white people soft." "Emery, you were here yesterday, so you know what we're going for." "Yep." "I got it." "Okay." "Let's roll!" "An Asian boy named Winterbottom." "Okay, sure, all right." "And... action!" "The Un-Gun is so easy to use, the only thing you'll be crying about is not getting one sooner." "[Motor whirs]" "And how does it work on that salad?" "Onions, shallots, scallions..." "It does them all!" "Yeah, great, but can you do it without all the blinking?" "What blinking?" "Cut. [Bell rings]" "Dustin, could you get me a hot tea and six cyanide capsules?" "Uh, let me talk to him." "Dad, did you see the blinking they were talking about?" "Do you think the camera's picking it up?" "Yeah, I do." "I guess I'm more nervous than I thought I'd be." "It's okay." "You can do this." "Yes, I was a little upset when I heard about the recast, but if it can't be me, I'm happy it's you." "Salad Eater is the second role you were born to play." "What was the first?" "Fantastic son." "Thanks, Dad." "I understand now." "You're trying to throw me off my game, make me think my mediocre performance is fine so I don't strive to be the best." "Well, it's not going to work." "What?" "No..." "Get out of my eyeline." "Let's shoot this thing!" "[Sighs]" "Well, that Spice Girls line was a total nightmare." "A lot more middle-aged men than I thought. [Chuckles]" "Where were we?" "Oh, right." "I was just about to press charges against your boy." "You will do no such thing." "I believe my son." "He didn't steal that CD." "Well, that's nice you believe him, but there's still no way of knowing whether the CD is really his or if he stole it." "I'm gonna call the police." "16 seconds!" "What?" "That's the exact moment it skips on track 8." "I know that because it's my CD." "What have we here?" "A boom-boom box." "Play it." "I have to fast-forward a bit." "Hold down the right arrow button." "Hold it down." "I'm doing it." "There!" "There." "♪ Mechanical mix flows ♪" "♪ Competition in my dojo ♪" "♪ In my dojo ♪" "♪ In my dojo ♪" "If the CD skips, you must acquit." "I guess it is yours." "My mistake." ""My mistake"?" "That's it?" "You falsely accused my son of being a thief!" "You need to make this right." "How would I do that?" "You're gonna buy back his music disc at full price." "Or else I will tell everyone that your store profiles Asians." "Institutional bias." "But it's a "Street Fighter" soundtrack from two years ago, a-and it skips." "No one's gonna buy it." "Eddie, what's that sound like to you?" "Not our problem." "Fine." "Who pays for it?" "Howie does." "Always Howie." "♪ Yeah ♪" "They said the infomercial will air sometime between 3:00 and 6:00 a.m." "Mom, will you pass the popcorn?" "You're hungry?" "I'm surprised you're not full of papaya." "I said I was sorry." "Can't a boy have a hankering?" "I can't believe you're gonna be on TV, Emery." "Thanks, Eddie." "I'm glad somebody's happy about it." "[Sighs] I told you, I wasn't trying to sabotage you." "Hmm." "Finally, some good acting." "_" "Announcer:" "Tired of chopped onions turning you into a whiny crybaby?" "[ Baby cries]" "Are you a dumb idiot, wasting everyone's time and money, cutting onions the old-fashioned way?" "Uh, duh." "Presenting a better way." "Hi." "Tony Wonder here with a miracle machine that makes chopping onions as easy as pulling the trigger." "It's called..." ""The Gunion."" "They stole my name!" "_" "[Laughs]"