"Alex Moran, another great gain today." "What's it like to be the new "Golden Boy" of BMS football?" "Golden boy?" "I like the sound of that." "It's pretty great." "And not a lot to complain about." "I don't have a lot to complain about either, as the Golden Boy." "Thad, pretty shaky start to the season." "Things seem to have turned around now." "What do you think is the key to getting this team back on track?" "I think the key really lies in" "We just got tired of losing, Phil." "I mean we just decided we wanted to start kicking some ass again." " Simple as that." " I don't think it's really that simple, Phil." "What do you have to say to all your fans out there, Alex?" "Party at the goat house." "Be there." "And you too, Phil." "I know a couple of cheerleaders who would just love you." "So there you have it from the star of the BMS football team." "I guess I know where I'll be tonight." " Back to you at the st" " Wait!" "I have something super important to say to all my fans out there watching." "Back to you at the station." "( Whistles )" " ( Crowd cheering )" " Man:" "Can you feel that?" "You better hold on." "Thisone'sabouttogetbumpy ." "♪ Give me a hell, give me a yeah ♪" "♪ hell yeah ♪" "♪ stand up right now ♪" "♪ give me a hell, give me a yeah ♪" "♪ stand up right now, right now ♪" "♪ give me a hell, give me a yeah ♪" "♪ stand up right now. ♪" " ( Whistle blows )" " Okay, ready, lift." "Oh my God." "It's beautiful." " What is that?" " It's called vagazzling." "It's like bedazzling, but for your vagina." "It's really big in the lezzy community." "This little slut doesn't know I'm alive, so I vagazzled to get her attention." "Hot, right?" "I want it." "Where can I get it?" " Well, actually I did it" " My brother Sammy did it." "Yeah, that's what she was about to say." "I'm an amazing vagazzler." "Right, Mary Jo?" "Yup." "Secret's out." "Sammy's the best vagazzler alive." " I want to go first." " I'm second." "Okay, relax." "Everyone's gonna get their turn." "Hello, girls." "( Chanting ) Phil Phil Phil..." "Yeah, Phil!" "Yeah!" "Whoo-hoo-hoo!" "Phil Phil Phil." "Hey, buddy." "Come chillax with me over here." "I'm real happy about all the attention you've been getting lately, bro beans." "I think it's a long time coming." "Why do I feel like there's more to that statement?" "Being a star in this town-- not easy." "Trust me, I know." "( Laughs )" "Look, I see you making rookie mistakes" " and I want to help." " Oh." "Let me show you the way." "( Laughs )" "Alex, there you are." "I'd really love to see where you sleep." "Okay." "Here." "Yeah." "Let's go." "We're upstairs." "Don't be stupid, Moran!" "So I'm thinking of giving you an eagle with topaz wings." "I think the topaz will bring out your thighs." "I don't know if I should be really excited or really disturbed by this." "Well, guess which one I am." "Business is a-booming!" "( Laughs )" "I was wondering if we could use your closet for a little bit." "Mi closet es su closet." " Okay." " That's Spanish." "Um, so as far as closets go," " his is really nice." " Oh." " Condoms, let's see 'em." " Excuse me?" "Let me see the condom you plan on putting on my quarterback's wienie." "Sorry." " Oh my God!" " Ah, yes." " Holy shit!" " Just put a baby in me, please." " I don't know about that." " I'm in love with you." " We could have a really great life together." " Zip it, psycho." "Find another famous person's life to ruin." "Get out." "( Shrieks ) Get out of my house!" "Jesus." "The world's a dangerous place, Moran." " Yeah." " Until you learn how to live in it." "Fine, what else do I need to know, huh?" "Meet me at the diner tomorrow morning." "( French accent ) Room service." "Mm, I clean your room for you." "Honey, this is not a good time." "I'm trying to get some stuff done here." "Oh, but you've been such a busy busy boy." "I clean your desk for you." "We've done this French maid thing like 400 times." "All right, well, did you have something else in mind?" "How about lost hiker and grizzly bear?" "We did that in the Poconos." " Stranded mermaid?" " Hawaii, 2002." "Oh, now you're keeping track?" "You know what?" "We need to figure something out, because I know how bored we both get." "Any ideas?" "I'm sorry, what did you say?" "I wasn't paying attention." "Yeah, exactly." "What's up?" "What's up is you just broke two rules of being famous walking in here and you don't even know it." " Like what?" " Number one:" "You showed up on time." "Number two:" "You didn't announce yourself when you walked in." "How else are people gonna know to applaud you if they don't know you're here?" " You guys ready to order?" " Hey, sweet tits." "I'll have the Thad Castle sandwich, extra mayo." "Sweet tits?" "That's a good one." "And for you, Alex?" "He'll have nothing." "Thanks, sweet tits." " People like nicknames." " What the hell?" " I'm starving, man." " Rule number four:" "Refuse to order a sandwich unless it's named after you." "Rule number five:" "Stars eat for free." "Follow my lead." "Hey, chief." "How's that sandwich taste?" " It's delicious." " Good." " Dig in, bro beans." " I think I'll pass." "Hey Tony, your au jus needs more salt!" "Hey guys, would you mind signing my kids' shirts?" " Yeah, sure thing." " No, absolutely not." "Lesson number six, Moran:" "Never sign anything." "People don't want your autograph, they just want something they can sell." "She's 10." "I don't care how old she is." "Women are dangerous." "Oh my God." " Yes, I will." " No no no, don't." "Don't!" "Thanks." "Here, this is for you." "Oh, thank you." "That's great." "I love it." "Walk with me." "What are you doing, Thad?" "That's a tip jar." "I'm not doing this for me, Moran." "I'm doing this for you." "That's for you, sweet tits." "If you're smart you'll pay attention." "Because this is your training day." "Thad Castle is leaving the diner." "( Light applause )" "( Inhales ) Ah." "Smell that air, Moran." "It's a great day to be famous." "Can we hurry the lessons up, please?" "Patience, my young apprentice." "Stop calling me apprentice." "Lesson 15, Moran:" "Some cops in this town will do anything for football stars." "Why?" "Because they want to hang out with us." "( Hissing )" "Really appreciate you letting us do this again there, Billy." "Moran was really jonesing for a hit of nitrous." "Any time, man." "So you want to hang this weekend or something?" "Aw, got a game, man." "Can't." "But I do have a couple speeding tickets I need taken care of." "Sure thing, Thad." "And we could hang maybe midweek." "Mmm, no." "I got a couple tests and whatever." "Uh, you have any tickets or warrants you need taken care of?" " I got a drunk and disorderly." " Not anymore you don't." " Really?" " Consider it taken care of." " Thanks, man." " No problem." " Hey, you want to try my gun?" " Yeah sure." "We've really got to get going, man." " But thanks again for the nitrous." " You take care, Mr. Castle." "And don't be a stranger." " You too, Mr. Moran." " Yeah." " We'll hang soon." " Uh, probably not." " See you around, bro beans." " What--?" "This vagazzling is amazing." "Every time I bend over in a skirt" "I'm attracting a whole new Echelon of guys." "Well, there's plenty more where that came from." "I just bought some googly eyes." "Starting to think outside the box." "Pun intended." "She's here." "Sammy:" "Coach's wife?" "She's the whole reason I got vagazzled in the first place." "She came highly recommended by Alex." "Okay." "I'll be right back." "Oopsy." "I'm so clumsy." "I'll pick it up." "Oh my God." "It's beautiful." "It's vagazzling." " I want it." " That's funny." "I happen to be a world-class vagazzler." "( Laughing )" "You know, that cop thing was the first useful thing you taught me all day." "He was gonna hand me his gun." "I know, right." "So what are we doing here?" "Let me guess-- free pills." "( Both laughing )" "Sorry to keep you waiting," "Mr. Moran." " Present." " Right, well, I'm Dr. Ryan." "And I can assure you that this is a safe and simple procedure." "What-- what procedure?" "Well, Thad here tells me you're interested in getting a vasectomy." "( Laughing )" "Really?" "I don't know why you're so upset, Moran." "Vasectomies are a necessary evil in the world of superstardom." "I got mine straight out of high school." "I'm not getting a vasectomy!" "Think about how much more money Antonio Cromartie would have if he would have got his balls snipped straight out of high school." "Could you just take me home right now, please?" " I'm done with this." " All right." "Take a chill pill." "We just have one more stop to make." "You know what?" "I know him too well." "He gets bored easily." "But so do I." "You know what's funny?" "Guys always think they're the only ones who struggle with being faithful, but we do too." "Sometimes all it takes is a golden opportunity right in front of you." "Or an opportunity with a pulse." "Last time he cheated we'd been busy, neglected our sex life." "I mean he needs to be excited." "Well, he'll definitely be excited by this." "It's amazing." "It's a goalpost." "I thought he'd appreciate the metaphor." "Oh my God, if there's anything I can do to thank you, please let me know." "Well, now that you mention it, there is one thing." " ( Pop music playing )" " Hey, Thad." "( Laughs ) This is awesome." "The guy who runs this place is supremely important to your new life." "He can get you anything you want whenever you want it." "I like that." "Wow, Alex Moran." "Welcome." "Nice to meet you." "I'm Fin." " Whoa." " You need a drink?" " Sure." " Ladies." "Hurry up, hurry up." "Ladies, this is Alex Moran." "Alex, these are my candy girls." "They got all the candy you want-- drugs, blowjobs, waffles." "You know what I'm saying?" "You feeling me?" " You getting me?" " Absolutely." "And this is for you, my man." "Oh thanks, Fin." "What's with the money?" "Fin pays me to make appearances at his club." "You know, to drum up publicity and stuff." "He'd pay you too if you come here enough." "Oh, I'm going to be coming here a lot." "All right, well, I'm gonna hit the old pee-pee closet." "Bond, bros." "I'll be right back." "Okay." "Here all the stars of BMS get special treatment." " VIP baby, all the way." " Oh okay, yeah." " Hey, check it out." " Coach?" "( Fin laughs )" "Listen, my office is in the back." " I want to show you around." "Come on." " Okay, yeah." "Thanks, man." "I mean for everything." "This is awesome." "( Sniffles ) No problem." "You're a good friend now, a special friend." "Yeah." "( Laughs )" "All right." " Sorry we're late." " No, no worries." "Come on." "Come on in." "Let's go." "Alex, these are the actors you'll be working with." "Great to meet you." "Big fan." "Huge." "( Laughs nervously ) Working on what?" " A sexy tape." " A sexy what?" "When Fin told me I was gonna work with Alex Moran," "I splooged in my pants, literally." "You got nothing to worry about." "This is gonna be first class all the way, baby." "Golden Boy Alex Moran and another teammate double- teaming a cheerleader on the coach's desk." " Can you say virus?" " Viral." "It's viral, Fin." "Why don't you worry about staying hard in the scene, Ricky?" "I'm gonna go, you know?" "Hey, thanks for the beer and everything." "I don't think so, Moran." "I paid your friend Thad $1000 for you and he said you'd be cool with it." "He said you paid him for an appearance here." "He's gonna come out of the bathroom and he's gonna give you all the money back, okay?" " It's gonna be fine." " ( Phone rings )" "Lesson 54, Moran:" "Don't ever talk over me in an interview again." " ( Laughs ) - ( Tires squeal )" "Holy shit." "( Laughs nervously )" "Like this, Fin?" "The key to making a good sexy tape, Moran, is to have fun with it." "Hey, Fin, there's got to be something else I can do." "You know, anything." "I'll double your money." "Hey, stop fighting it and enjoy yourself." "Okay, and camera is rolling." "Be a star." "Hey hey hey, hold it." "Cut." " What the hell is that?" " What, this?" "A little girl gave it to me in a diner this morning." "My niece makes these bracelets." "Oh, well, it must have been her then." "I signed her jersey and she gave me this bracelet as sort of like a thank you." "( Sniffles ) You better not be lying to me or I swear to God you'll die." "I'm not lying." "Hey, it's uncle Fin." "Hey." "Yeah, put Maya on the phone." "Hey, Maya, did you give out any bracelets this morning?" " Mm-hmm, yeah." " Uh-huh." " Oh, he didn't?" " Oh, I did." "Yeah, good girl." "Yeah, I love you too." " Maya says you're telling the truth." " Oh good." "She also said your friend Thad refused to sign her brother's jersey." " Is this true?" " Yes." "He apparently only likes to sign titties." "Well, a man that has shown this much kindness to my family" "I cannot force to make a sexy tape." "You're free to go." "( Laughs )" "All right." "Great." "Hey, I'm ready to go over here, Fin." "We got the lights, we got the girl," "I'm hard as a rock." "Fin, I'll make it up to you, all right?" "I'll help you get that sexy tape, mark my words." "Ladies and gentlemen," "Alex Moran has entered the diner." "( Cheering )" "Smile." "So did you learn your lesson, Moran?" "Lesson?" "Oh, that thing at the club." "Yeah, it was fine." "Yeah, so..." "Fin didn't want me to say anything, but he's got this checklist of things he wants to do before he dies and apparently making a sexy tape with the Golden Boy of BMS football was on that list." "Shut up." "He did not call you the freakin' Golden Boy of BMS." " Hi, Alex." " Hi." " Is there anything I can get you?" " Yeah let me get an Alex Moran sandwich, hold the mayo, please." "You put my name back on that menu." "Oh, sorry, sweet tits." "Times are changing." "And this is for you." "It's your tab for the past three years." "Tony's expecting payment by the end of the week." "Alex, I'm really sorry to bother you, but I would love for you to eat the rest of my sandwich." "Oh, thank you." "What is happening?" "Fine, I'll sign your stupid son's Thad Castle jersey." "Gosh." "Hey, can you tell Tony the au jus was perfect?" "Thanks for adding the sea salt." "No, don't." "Do not tell him that." "I'm the star of BMS football!" "I demand respect!" "Oh, how sad." "He can't let go, kids." "Shut up." "Shut up!" "I hate you all." "Thad Castle is leaving the diner." "I'm leaving now." "Aw." "( All laughing )" "Thank you." "That was perfect, guys." "And that's what the bastard gets for stealing my tips." "Yeah." "( Chatter )" "Hey, what's going on?" "Your brother says he's retired from vagazzling." "I have a three-headed dragon down there." "It requires serious maintenance." "What's going on?" "They're animals, Mary Jo." "I can't look at another vagina." "I don't even get boners anymore when I look at one." "Wow." "Now I know how gynecologists must feel." "Well, it was fun while it lasted." " Yeah." " At least one of us got what they wanted." "Oh my God." "It's-- it's beautiful." "All right, I want to finish this week strong." "We're-- ( Coughs )" "I want 100% out of everybody that-- ( Coughs )" "You all right, coach?" "Bye, sweetheart." " I'll see you at home." " You bet you will." "Hey, where's Thad?" "Oh, he had something more important to attend to." "Well well well." "Look who it is on coach Daniel's desk-- a teammate and a cheerleader." "Keep going." "Keep going." "It's beautiful." "Tell me I'm a star." "Tell me I'm a star!" "You're a star, man." "Relax." "And action."