"Raus, raus!" "Schnell, schnell, schnell, schnell!" "Mach schnell!" "Raus!" "Raus, raus, raus, raus!" "Welcome to the Adolf Hitler Biltmore." "Thank you, sir." "Captain Martin, Edward H." "Colonel Hogan, Senior P.O.W. Officer." "It, uh... doesn't look like much at first, but after you're here awhile, you get to hate it." "Please, Colonel Hogan, you are not supposed to talk with the prisoner until he has seen the Commandant." "Sorry, Schultz." "How kind of you to remember, Schultz." "Achtung!" "You were four hours late bringing him here." "Oh, Herr Kommandant, it couldn't be helped." "Take him to the office right away." "Hogan, I'll call you when I need you." "Captain?" "Name, rank and serial number, that's all." "Yes, sir." "New prisoner, Colonel?" "Yeah." "Why would Schultz be so late getting him back here?" "Maybe they met a couple of girls in town, you know, went to a bar and had a couple of drinks." "And then they..." "All right, Carter, that's enough." "Yeah, yeah, then what happened?" "See?" "See?" "You got the natives restless." "Uh, Kinch, is the coffee pot in working order?" "It's all wired and ready, Colonel." "Okay." "The next voice you hear will be that of Colonel Klink, direct from his office to you." "SCHULTZ:" "...his papers, Herr Kommandant." "Mm-hmm." "Shot down near Hamilburg." "Captured by farmers." "Turned over to the Gestapo." "Assigned here." "He didn't give us any trouble, Herr Kommandant." "Which is more than I can say for you." "Why were you late?" "In Hamilburg, they wouldn't let us leave Gestapo Headquarters until the gold bars were in the bank." "Gold?" "What are you blabbering about?" "A big shipment of gold bars which we stole from the Bank of France is being shipped to Dusseldorf." "Not stolen-- confiscated!" "When you defeat a country, you confiscate its gold." "Stupid!" "I thought, if you take something that does not belong to you, that is stealing." "I'm stupid." "I don't think you're so stupid." "Silence!" "Captain, I want to inform you that you have been assigned to the strictest P.O.W. camp in Germany." "( over radio ):" "No one has ever escaped from Stalag 13." "Oh, Colonel, let's hear the rest of it." "It's just Klink throwing his weight around." "Sure, you've heard it before." "( imitating Klink ):" "Und I warn you, we are well-known for iron discipline here." "One false move, and you will face the consequences." "Hey, that's great!" "You sure you're not part German, Kinch?" "( with German accent ):" "I don't think so." "A shipment of gold..." "Be nice if we could do something about it." "Like what?" "Like take it out of circulation, maybe." "Well, how can we do that?" "The first problem would be to get it into camp." "Kinch, get me a map of this area showing Hamilburg." "Coming right up, um..." "Uh..." "Berlin, Hamburg, Stuttgart Pittsburgh..." "Pittsburgh?" "!" "We ever have anybody escape to Pittsburgh?" "Not to-- from." "Ah, here it is." "Good." "Hamilburg and area." "All right, now we circle the center of town with a red pencil and attach a bombardier's notation." "Well, what's it going to say?" "Let's see." ""Make bombing approach" ""from north to avoid AA batteries." ""Bank located center of town." "Fly contact main road."" "Get that ready as soon as you can." "Klink will be calling for me any minute." "Right, I'll get right on it, sir." "Hey, Colonel, you think we'll get a chance to get our hands on some of those gold bars?" "It's worth a try." "Think of their embarrassment if we succeed." "Hitler writes a check, and it bounces." "...and the prisoner, Captain Edward H. Martin, was delivered into our custody as of this date," "( knocking ) and appeared to be..." "Yes, come in." "Herr Kommandant, Colonel Hogan is here." "Send him in." "We will complete our dossier later, Fraulein Helga." "Yes, sir." "How 'bout a little smile, baby?" "KLINK:" "Sergeant Schultz, attend to business." "He's trying, Colonel." "He can do that outside." "Dismissed!" "Colonel Hogan, this is Captain Martin." "I know." "We've met." "Well, Captain, how do you like it so far?" "Well, it's about what ..." "I am not interested whether he likes it here or not." "Great host, and serves a wonderful buffet." "The Captain has been informed that no one has ever successfully escaped from Stalag 13." "Yeah, shameful." "People are beginning to talk." "Captain, I warn you, do not be talked into any foolish ventures." "For those who try, we have a reward known as the cooler." "One of the smaller rooms, without a view." "All right, Captain, turn out your pockets, quickly, everything you've got." "Yes, sir." "Here, uh, let me help you, Captain." "Oh, I'm sorry." "Hey!" "Got one of those, huh?" "Whew!" "( laughs ) Oh-ho, hello there." "One of the men at the base gave it to me." "What do you see?" "You know that famous picture of George Washington crossing the Delaware?" "Yes, I'm familiar with it." "This ain't it." "Give me that." "I must inspect it for security reasons." "Oh, I understand, sir, yeah." "American foolishness." "Wouldn't hurt you to distribute a few of those, you know?" "Can you imagine a picture of Hermann Goring in a bearskin rug?" "Great for morale." "Oops." "Mm-hmm." "What is so interesting about a piece of paper?" "Aha, a map!" "Didn't they teach you anything about destroying military information?" "Why didn't you eat it?" "Sir, I..." "Do you realize, before I was captured," "I swallowed the entire Air Force Survival Manual?" "( whispering ):" "It's not mine." "Look, don't lie to a commanding officer!" "You're in enough trouble already!" "But, sir..." "Stand at attention, Captain." "KLINK:" "Aha!" "Hamilburg is circled in red?" "HOGAN:" "It means nothing." "It's a bombardier doodling, that's all." "The memorandum:" ""Bombing approach from north." ""Avoid AA batteries." "Bank located center..."" "Bank?" "The gold!" "What gold?" "Big shipment was just brought into the town." "Oh, really?" "That's interesting." "Why a bombing attack on a bank?" "Gold can't be destroyed that way." "What do you know about this?" "Well, I..." "Name, rank and serial number." "Period." "Stop." "You have an answer." "Never mind." "I figured it out for myself." "The bombing attack is a diversion." "Commandos are dropped, and in the confusion, they steal the money." "It's an old trick." "You've got to get up pretty early in the morning to fool Colonel Klink." "I must warn the Gestapo at once." "They will move the gold to Dusseldorf." "So much for your little air raid, Captain." "Smart move, Colonel." "Then they bomb Dusseldorf and steal the gold." "What?" "Oh, I'm glad you didn't ask them to keep the gold here for a couple of days." "True, it's the safest place in the world, and you'd be a big man with the Gestapo, but why should you get involved?" "He's really got it where it counts." "Colonel Hogan, you have given me an excellent idea." "Fraulein Helga, get me Gestapo Headquarters in Hamilburg." "I want to talk to the officer who is in command of the gold shipment." "I will offer to keep the gold here." "Hogan, I thank you for your suggestion." "Me and my big mouth." "That is all." "Dismissed." "Amazing..." "So, how's it going, fellas?" "Compared to what, sir?" "They are working?" "!" "That's right." "Without being ordered?" "!" "Volunteers, every one of them, Schultz." "Oh, boy, I think I'd better get out of here schnell." "I know nothing..." "There is nothing to know." "But if there was something, I know nothing." "Nothing." "All right, come on fellas, get the lead out." "Make way for the Commandant." "What is going on here?" "Tidying up a bit, sir." "We want to make a good impression on the Gestapo when they bring the gold into camp." "Really, huh?" "After all, we're part of the Stalag 13 family, too, you know." "That is a very commendable attitude." "Carry on." "( whistling Hogan's Heroes theme )" "( sawing )" "It's Schultz." "We want Klink." "Cover your ears." "There may be a shock wave when he crashes." "LeBeau, you didn't saw deep enough." "But, Colonel, I'm sure I did." "Help!" "Help, help!" "Help!" "These steps have collapsed." "Where's my monocle?" "In your eye, sir." "You never let go." "Perfect muscle control." "Schultz, how did this happen?" "I know nothing, nothing, Herr Kommandant." "Sabotage." "Someone is trying to kill me." "By any chance, has Germany declared war on termites?" "Why should they be any different?" "Then there's your sabotage, sir." "The termites have eaten right through the step." "Uh-huh, this has been cut." "Of course it has." "Haven't you ever heard of saw-tooth termites?" "Imagine that." "Never heard of saw-tooth termites." "Sir, I had an uncle with a wooden leg." "He went to bed one night, and in the morning when he got up... ( chuckles ):" "well..." "KLINK:" "Never mind!" "Schultz!" "Requisition some lumber from the Quartermaster at once, and see to it that these steps are rebuilt immediately." "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant!" "Uh, we'll do the job for you, Colonel." "Thank you, Hogan." "But not with wood." "I mean, we could spend hours rebuilding the steps, the termites eat, the steps collapse, and it's bad for our morale." "That's true." "Now, if we had, say, bricks, we could do a beautiful job for you." "All right, all right, make it brick." "Schultz, see to it at once!" "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant!" "( grunts )" "Well?" "Colonel Hogan, may I ask you a question?" "Sure, Schultz." "Why do you pile the bricks up here when you're building the steps over there?" "Oh, you see, if we get too close, we can't see what we're doing." "Eh?" "Understand, Schultz?" "Hmm?" "Give me time to think it over." "Sure." "Anybody order gold from room service?" "Colonel Klink?" "Major Kreiger." "Geheimstaatspolizei." "Heil Hitler." "Heil Hitler." "Very good of you to offer us your hospitality for our candy bars, Colonel." "Glad to be of service, sir." "I won't fail to mention your name to my superiors, Colonel." "Oh, that won't be necessary, but I hope you do." "Yes." "Well, there is a shed right behind Barracks Five-- an ideal place for the truck." "Excellent." "I prefer it to be out of sight." "Yes, sir." "Schultz!" "Jawohl!" "Guide the truck behind Barracks Five." "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant!" "They'll come this way with the truck." "Newkirk, Kinch, inside." "You know what to do." "Right." "Right." "Remember, timing is very important." "Wait until the truck stops." "Will do." "Carter, LeBeau, take your positions." "You got everything you need." "We're ready." "Mm-hmm." "Don't forget-- the truck exactly opposite the window." "Right." "Right." "Good luck." "Right." "Langsam." "( speaking German )" "Langsam..." "Halt!" "Halt, halt, halt!" "Hey, hold it a minute, Schultz, will you?" "What are you doing here?" "We're just trying to string our clothesline, that's all." "( muttering )" "Now." "( loud pop )" "( air hissing )" "Jolly good show." "Proper coordination of hand and eye is what does it, mate." "A fine time to worry about your laundry." "We must keep ourselves clean, Schultz." "For once, you could be dirty." "( yelling in German )" "Kaput, Herr Major." "KLINK:" "What is the matter?" "Just a flat tire." "Have it repaired in no time." "Herr Major, the spring is completely sheared off." "The weight of the gold, sir." "Fix it at once." "We will need new parts, sir." "There's a supply depot in Hamilburg." "Schultz, send a messenger at once and give the Major everything he requires." "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant!" "Danke, Colonel." "We'll leave the shipment where it is and guard the truck while the repairs are being made." "Yes, sir." "Now, if there is anything else you need, just call on me." "Heil Hitler." "Achtung!" "Achtung!" "We're all set down below, Colonel." "Any time." "Right, Kinch." "Schultz is headed this way." "All right." "Newkirk, LeBeau, you know what to do." "Got the pills right here, sir." "Good." "Schultz, come here." "Get inside!" "We got a brilliant idea." "We need your help." "It's an absolute smasher." "Honest, when I think about it, I choke up." "What, what, what, what, what is it?" "Look, Schultz, all that gold is sitting there, and we don't do anything about it." "What, what...?" "What do you want me to do?" "Grab a few samples." "Just one of those bars is worth 50,000 marks." "Let's take three of them, one each." "One for each of us?" "50,000 marks?" "Are you crazy?" "A bit greedy, perhaps, but not crazy." "Either go back or I'll report you." "Trouble with you, you've got no imagination." "You're a very small man." "They'll never miss it." "After all, the gold was stolen from the Bank of France." "Not stolen, confis cated." "Oh, confiscated." "Ja." "You're so stupid." "Now go back into the barracks." "Schnell!" "Schnell!" "Good night, Schultz." "Halt!" "( speaking German )" "Ja." "Danke." "Ja." "Bitte." "( conversing in German )" "Ja." "Danke." "Ja." "Gut, ja?" "Gut." "Gut?" "Gute Nacht." "Ja." "Gute Nacht." "( speaks German )" "All right, any moment now, they're going to go beddy-bye." "We got to move fast." "Hey, not bad, not bad." "You might get away with it." "Might?" "!" "Colonel, what happens if we're challenged?" "Blimey!" "We could get shot for this, you know." "Frankly, I hadn't considered that." "Well, you will give it some thought, won't you?" "If I come with the answer, you'll be the first to know." "Well, that makes me feel better." "All right, out you go." "Remember, open the door of the truck before you take the post." "Will do." "And you will keep thinking, sir." "I will, I will." "Hey, it's that Kraut Major!" "It ain't Gracie Fields." "Quick!" "( speaking German )" "Alles in Ordnung?" "Ja, Herr Major." "Gut." "You did great." "If I had any sense, I'd faint dead away." "I didn't know you spoke German." "I didn't either, till about a minute ago." "Let's go." "KINCH:" "Don't get 'em mixed up." "The bricks you dip in the gold, and the gold you dip in the red paint." "How's it going?" "Well, everything's right on schedule, Colonel." "This looks like J. P. Morgan's playroom." "Colonel?" "Yeah?" "Bet you can't tell which is real and which is fake." "Eenie, meenie, miney-- money." "Uh-huh." "This is the real one." "Pretty good, eh?" "You native craftsmen are amazing." "Hey, don't put too much gold in that stuff." "You'll put us in a higher tax bracket." "Bon voyage." "Wake up, Fritz, wake up!" "Was ist los?" "You fell asleep on duty." "Oh, terrible!" "This is terrible!" "Lucky an officer didn't catch you." "Ja." "Danke, Herr Oberst." "Danke, danke." "Anytime." "Ja." "Wake up, Dummkopf!" "You fell asleep on duty." "Lucky for you an officer didn't catch you." "Move!" "So, as the sun sets beyond the horizon, we say "Farewell, Major Kreiger."" "Colonel, we're almost out of gold." "What?" "!" "Bricks." "Go draw some from the bank." "The bank?" "Bricks." "Oh." "And although Stalag 13 is known for its iron discipline," "I must relax regulations just long enough to thank you for building these fine steps." "( LeBeau cheering )" "Now, the real credit for this achievement goes to Colonel Hogan." "In all fairness, I must admit to you," "I wanted these steps made out of wood, but he insisted that they be built out of brick, and he was right." "And I know that they will last forever." "Yes, Herr Commandant." "Believe me when I tell you, these steps are as good as gold." "Are you suggesting that the gold may be here?" "This was the last stop before the bank in Dusseldorf." "When the shipment was weighed, it was light." "Some of the gold is missing." "Oh, that's terrible." "And unless it is found, I will be missing." "So, I assure you, I am going to look for it." "Sir, I resent the implication that there may be thieves among us." "So do I." "Do I have your permission to search or must I take this matter over your head to General Burkhalter?" "You may take this camp apart building by building, and if you find one ounce of that gold you may use this gun to shoot me." "( clanks )" "I may just take you up on that, sir." "Hogan, he's going to search." "This concerns you and your men." "Aren't you coming?" "If you don't mind," "I'd like to sit this one out." ""(End of Episode)""