" Sara Lee?" " I'm in here, Mama Wheelis." "I'm goin' out to cut some okrie." "Holler at me when they get here." "It's gonna be real nice, everybody together again." "It's gonna be livin' hell, and you know it." "I know it." "Shit, that's Lurlene!" "I gotta quit sayin' "shit."" " Lurlene!" " Sara Lee!" "Oh, it's so good to see you!" "Lurlene, you look so good." "You look younger than me." "Oh, shut up." "I do not." "I really appreciate you bringin' Daddy home from the hospital." "Come on, Tiny Timmy." "Body slam that son of a bitch!" "Oh, dear!" "Lord, please help him." "He thinks he's watchin' midget wrestling' on the TV." "He doesn't even know who I am, Sara Lee." "All the way down here, he kept talkin' gibberish about a redhead." "That's Paulena Harlin." "She was that redheaded piece of trash he had that affair with." "I didn't realize Daddy was so bad, Sara Lee." "I wish you'd told me sooner." "I didn't think anything about it at first." "I just thought it was one of his temporary spells, you know?" "I didn't wanna bother no one." "But last week, he started havin' them progressive strokes." "Dr. Wetzel said it was the beginnin' to the end." "That's when I called you." " A week ago." " I know it, I know it." "But J.D. was in revival, and I just couldn't leave in the middle of it." "We had two rededications and three professions of faith." "Well, praise the Lord." "We do, Sara Lee." "I hope you weren't being' facetious." "I hope I wasn't either, 'cause that sounds like somethin' I don't wanna be doin'." "I meant I hope you weren't makin' fun." "No, Lurlene." "Gosh!" "I been goin' to church pretty regular myself these days." "Even hit the choir a couple of times singing' alto." "Get me the shotgun." "I'm gonna kill me a hound." " What's wrong, Mama Wheelis?" " Just look at me." "That Heinz 57 mutt of Clarabelle Ivy's tore my knee-highs, uprooted my tomatoes, dug a hole the size of Dallas in my favorite flowerbed." "I am gonna call her and warn her one more time to keep that mutt of hers tied up." "Then I'm gonna kill him!" "Mama Wheelis, it's me..." "Lurlene." "Lord, I ain't seen you in a coon's age!" "Oh, honey!" "I'm gonna stop at Bluebell's, see if Sid'll give me a discount on a case of beer." "Orville, please, I don't want you drinkin' while we're here." "Just since when did you start tellin' me what I could and could not do?" "!" "Marlene, you wait out on the porch." "Woman in a bar ain't proper." "Looky here, Lurlene." "Me and Clarence are finally gettin' married." "I'm not gonna be an old maid after all." "Oh, Sara Lee, I'm so happy for you." "I really do think he's changed, Lurlene." "I wanted Daddy to give me away, but in his shape, you know..." "It just burns me up to think about how many times he gave away Evalita." "She's divorced again..." "I think it's number six this time." "I don't even know where she lives anymore." "I had to call Jack to leave word about Daddy." "Jack is the best husband Evalita ever had." "Jack says she does call him every now and again to check on the girls since she's lost custody." "I haven't heard from her since she married that... foreign guy." "I just couldn't bring myself to go to that wedding'." "Oh, honey, neither could I." "She sent us pictures." "The girl married in white... again." "I don't know who she thought she's foolin'." "She's about as pure as mud." "Well, I guess we shouldn't judge." "But it is so hard!" " Take a left at the barn." " Okay." "She had a date two nights in a row." "She said that Friday night, she went out with Arthur." "And that Saturday night, she went out with Ben." "I said, "Arthur and Ben who?" She said, "Arthritis and Ben Gay."" " How is Mrs. Fenwick?" " Oh, honey, she's dead." "Just eat up with cancer." " Is that Marlene and Orville?" " No, Mama Wheelis." "Oh, my God, you're not gonna believe this." "It's Evalita." "Well, spit in the fire and call the dogs." "I'm a little nervous." "I haven't seen Evalita in five years." "Count your many blessings." "Name 'em one by one." "Looky here, everybody." "It's Evalita." "And Harmony." "this is my new fiancé..." "Harmony Gribowski." "You look real... good." "Harmony, I'm Lurlene." "I'm Evalita's older sister." "Nice to meet you, Lurlene." "Oh, my Lord!" "Oh, Mama Wheelis!" "Hello, Evalita." "How's one of my grandchildren?" "Couldn't be better, Mama Wheelis." "I'd like you to meet my new fiancé." "This here is Harmony, Harmony Gribowski." "I still ain't deaf, Evalita." "Howdy, hippie." "Howdy." " Hey, Marlene." " Hey, Clarence." "You lose weight?" " I did." " I knew it." " Hey, Orville." " Hey." " How's it goin'?" " Fine." "Just fine." "Good." " Asshole." " Asshole." "Shit!" "Shit!" "God, Texas is hot." "It sure is." "Oh, I saw Clarence Hopkins today." "I just had to stop and say hello." "He hasn't changed a bit." "Me and him are engaged." "That's funny." "He didn't tell me a thing about it." "We picked this out together." "Last of the big-time spenders, huh?" "But he's still the cutest damn thing in Texas." "Yeah, he knows it, too." "And he had the tightest blue jeans on, and no shirt, girl." "I had a hot flash just lookin' at that sexy ass of his." "Trash mouth!" "I'm gonna check the roast." "Evalita ain't got on nothin' but her brassiere." "Maybe this'll teach you not to play that damn radio, Marlene." " Faster, faster." "I need some speed." " All right!" "Dig in." "Use your legs." "Take the pressure off your back." "Come on, that's it." "Dig in, girl." "Move, move!" " Come on if you're comin'." " I'm comin'." " You all right?" " Yes." "If I could run down the street in a brand-new pair of hose..." "Marlene, grab them suitcases." " Hey, look what the cat drug up." " Hey, Sara Lee." " Orville, you look good." " Hey, Lurlene." "Orville, I'm here." "I made it!" " I'll be damned." " Probably." "Hello, everybody." "I've lost weight." "Nobody gives a rat's ass, Marlene." "Now put this beer in the icebox and shut up." "You know how I feel about beer in my icebox." "Hey, Mama Wheelis." "I have lost weight, in case y'all ain't noticed." "Look behind you and you'll find it." "I can tell, honey, and you're pretty as a picture." " Thank you." " She's down to a ton." "You behave yourself." "He's just jealous, Mama Wheelis." "He's gained and I've lost and you know how the heat affects fat people... they sweat like pigs." "How'd you like it if I just slapped you silly, huh?" "Come on!" "Stop that fussing'." "What the hell is that?" "I'd like you to meet my new fiancé." "Nice to meet you, Marlene." " Oh, likewise, I'm sure." " Nice to meet you, Orville." "Yeah, right." "Well..." "Daddy still alive or what?" "He looks pretty bad, don't he?" "Have you read the will?" " No, Orville, I haven't." " Why not?" "'Cause it ain't the first thing that crossed my mind, like some people I know, Orville." " You scared me." " Sorry." " You all right?" " Yeah, I'm fine." "I just need to get some fresh air." " Shut up!" "...don't have Daddy's will." " Orville, where you goin'?" " Never you mind." "Well, excuse me." "Asshole." "What's Orville so all fired up about?" "He's gone down to Lawyer Pitman's to look for a copy of the will, but Lawyer Pitman don't have that will." " Who does have the will?" " Daddy." "Daddy got it back from Lawyer Pitman to revise it, and then he didn't get back to him before he took a turn for the worse." "I think he hid it." "Lurlene, would you please return thanks?" "May we pray?" "Dear Lord, we come together before Thee today to thank Thee for Thy bounty and Thy love." "Yes, Lord." "We ask that, as you draw this family together, that each one of us will realize that love conquers all." " Yes, Lord." " I love my family, Lord, and I ask that you will take greed out of this family" " and replace it with love." " Oh, Lord... yes, Lord." "Heal our daddy, Lord, and bless this food for the nourishment of our bodies, and our bodies for your service." "Amen." "That was sweet, Lurlene." " I doubt I'm in it, either." " In what?" "The will." "No, thank you." "I don't eat anything that has a face." "That's not what I've been told." "Here, Harmony." "Double up on those black-eyed peas." "Thank you." "I know for sure that he cut me and J.D. out at one time." "And who knows what it says now." "Although I really don't care since we're financially stable, unlike some." " Oh, brother." " What did you say?" "Nothin'." "If you have a comment to make, why don't you just make it out loud?" "I just think that Daddy had a right to do what he did." "I mean, it's a free country, and you and J.D. did run off and leave him high and dry to run the ranch all by himself." "But at least we gave him five years of hard work." "All you ever gave him was a lot of grief, and five or six son-in-laws." "We all promised that we were gonna get along with each other." " We all have to try, Sara Lee." " I'm doin' my part." "Get this." "We just cut a record." " Oh, really?" "!" " It's actually just a tape." "Well, anyway, a star is born." "It's all because of Harmony." "Lurlene!" "Mama Wheelis." "Y'all come quick!" "Evalita's cut a record." "Lord, I hope I don't have to go get my garden hose." "You cut a record?" "Singin'?" "I just went to Hollywood and made a new movie with Elizabeth Taylor." "I, for one, would love to hear it." "I wouldn't." "Quite frankly, Lurlene, it probably ain't your kind of music." "It's not that Jesus stuff." "Excuse me, Evalita, but my musical tastes are a little more eclectic than just that "Jesus stuff."" "Lurlene sings better than you do, Evalita." "She used to sing all them Patsy Cline songs with Sid Cranford at the Elks Fraternal Hall." "We've heard this story all our lives, Mama Wheelis." "Thought maybe you might need to hear it again." "Well, I don't." "I'm gonna go fix Buford's dinner." "You call me if there's any more news flashes, hear?" "Come on, Lurlene." "I'm gonna go for a little walk." "Get my rice cakes." " Bye-bye, honey pie." " Bye-bye, sweet cheeks." " And he don't mean my face." " Oh, I'm sure he don't." "Evalita, I don't mean to get personal, but just where the hell did you drag that one up from?" "That's a miracle straight from God, Sara Lee." " Right after me and Roger busted up..." " Roger?" "He was that bronco buster I lived with for a while after me and Abdul got divorced." "Oh, you didn't know him." "Anyway, Roger was a nut." "Shoulda been committed to Big Springs in a padded cell if you ask me." "He beat me up." "Threw me outta the trailer house." "I had nothin' to my name but the clothes on my back and a buck fifty." " Told me to get gone or he'd kill me." " Lord!" "So I started hitchhiking'." " You was hitchhikin'?" "!" " Sara Lee, I was desperate." "But now I know it was God's will for my life, because if Roger hadn't have kicked me out," "I wouldn't have been hitchhiking', and I wouldn't have met Harmony, and Harmony was sent by God." "Evalita, that's the silliest thing I ever heard." "You could take that theory from husband one to husband six." "Somehow I don't think it's God's will that you'd end up with six husbands before you was 40, and hooked up with some hippie named Harmony." "And when did you become the assistant to Jesus Christ Himself to know His will for my life?" "I have been goin' to church a little more regularly lately, and just last week, Reverend Tuttle himself preached a real good sermon on the use and abuse of God's will." "Well, la-ti-da." "Sara Lee's been goin' to church, so now she's an expert on the use and abuse of God's will, 'cause she heard old fat-ass Revered Tuttle, who, by the way, had an affair with our illustrious soloist Mildred Keevner," "preach one of his boring old sermons." "You wait one minute, missy!" "That affair was never proved." "No, I won't wait a minute, Sara Lee, God damn it." "Every time I come home." "You just hold on, Evalita." "The Lord's name is sacred in this house." "Please stop." "You're gonna wake up Dad." "That's right." "All of ya just gang up on me." "Some things never change." "We're not ganging up on you, Evalita." "We just all agree that the Lord's name is not to be taken in vain in this house." "Wake up and smell the coffee, Mama Wheelis." "This is the 20th century." "The Lord's name is the same yesterday, today and forever." "Amen!" "That affair was never proved." "That's just vicious gossip." "This has nothin' to do with me sayin' "God damn."" "Where is my razor strap?" "You think you can whup me, Mama Wheelis?" " I' m 33 years old." " No, you're not." "You're 35 years old." "I'm 36, Orville's 38, Lurlene's 40." "That makes you 35." "Okay, so I'm 35." "So I lie, too." "I cuss, I lie, I cheat." "Sometimes I even steal ashtrays from the motel rooms where I commit adultery." "But I'll tell y'all somethin'..." "I also live, which is more than I can say for y'all." "Daddy ain't the only one dying' around here." "Correction:" "Daddy's dyin'." "Y'all are dead." "Good-bye." "I sure have enjoyed this little family get-together." "Don't go!" " What's wrong?" " My whole family was mean to me." "Honey, don't cry." " I need a drink, Harmony." " No, you don't." "We made an agreement." "I don't care." "I need a drink real bad." "Just one." " Let's go to the truck and make love." " Harmony, I can't." " Then let's leave." " I need the money." " And I need a drink." " No, you don't." "Let me go." "Who the hell do you think you are, anyway?" "You ain't my daddy, ya know." "Linny Sue, bring me a beer, please." "Linny Sue, we'll watch "Bonanza" after this." "Buford, I am Lois..." "Lois Wheelis, your mother-in-law." "Now, Linny Sue is dead." "Well, we'll watch "Bonanza" after this, Lois Wheelis." "Oh, Buford." "Bring me another beer, please." "Told ya, Orville, that Lawyer Pitman didn't have that will." "I've done peed in my chili." "Daddy's mad at me over Jimbo." "He's cut me clean out." " Look what he done to you, Lurlene." " I know." "Imagine your own daddy cutting' you out of a will because the Lord called you to the ministry." "Lurlene, how is it that the Lord always calls on you to do somethin', 'cause He ain't never said shit to me." "If you hadn't put Jimbo in that home." "Hell, I had to do somethin'." "Marlene spoiled the boy rotten till I couldn't do nothin' else with him." "He set fire to the back bedroom smokin' marijuana cigarettes and sniffing' gasoline." "Daddy wanted to raise that boy himself." "Like he coulda done any better." "Look what he raised." " It's a pretty night, isn't it?" " It sure is." "Marlene, are you all right?" "I miss my boy, Mama Wheelis." "I just miss my boy so much." "I know, honey." "I know." "'Nother drink, please." "Hey, Sid." "Sorry I'm late, Sid." "Somethin' came up." " Hey." " What inspired you tonight, anyway?" "Need a drinkin' buddy?" "You know I do." "We do have customers, ya know." "I cannot believe you!" "You don't give a flyin' flit about him, do you?" "It's just his money." "This is your daddy, Orville..." "your very own daddy." "Don't you care anything about him?" "Don't be upset, Sara Lee." "I didn't mean to make you upset." "Heavens to Betsy!" "That hippie's playin' "I'll Fly Away."" "I'll fly away" "I'll fly away, oh, glory" "I'll fly away in the mornin'" "When I die, hallelujah, by and by" "I'll fly away" "Take it, Mrs. Wheelis." "Just a few more weary days and then" "I'll fly away" "To a land where joy shall never end" "I'll fly away" "I'll fly away, oh, glory" "I'll fly away" "When I die, hallelujah, by and by" "I'll fly away" "Some glad mornin' when this life is o'er" "I'll fly away" "To a home on God's celestial shore" "I'll fly away" "I'll fly away, oh, glory" "I'll fly away" "When I die, hallelujah, by and by" "Oh, I'll fly away" "I like it the way you kids sing like that." "Daddy?" "Where did Lita go?" "But the time has come, my darlin', to set things right" "You'll be harder than my husband to get along with" "Harder than my husband every night" "Harder than my husband, harder than my husband" "And I don't want our love affair to end with a fight" "You been like a little angel how you love me" "And I appreciate the warmth of your embrace" "I'll take that." "Paulena." "He's restin' easy." "Sounds like Sid's got himself a new girl singer." "The Lord's gonna rain His judgment on that place one of these days." "Mama Wheelis, if you hate it so much, why do you come out here and listen to it?" "In the hopes of a cool breeze." "Nothin' else, thank you very much." " Sis, you wanna dance?" " Take a look at him." "Well, excuse me!" "For wanting' a better life" "No, Daddy, you can't blame me" "For wanting' a better life" "Summer sun'll bear on down and burn you till you're blind" "Winter wind cuts like a knife, too much rain or shine" "Daddy, you can't blame me" "For wanting' a better life" "Get your earplugs out." "Well, I could build me a house right on down the road" "That's far as I'd ever get" "Far as I'd ever go" "My mama died so young, lovin' in the rocky ground" "Well, Papa, I'll send money home when I get me a job in town" "Daddy, you can't blame me" "For moving' away from here, for wantin' a better life" "Wantin' somethin' better than this" "Daddy, you can't blame me" "You can't blame me" "You can't blame me, you can't blame me" "You can't blame me, Daddy" " That was bad." " And gettin' worse." "We better go, Evalita." "Your father's been askin' about you." "I think it's time you deal with that." "Oh, yeah?" "I think it's time you minded your own God damn business." "I guess it is." "Good night, Daddy." "Hurry the hell up, Marlene." "I'm about to bust my bladder out here." " I'll be done in a second." " Come on!" " Morning, Mrs. Wheelis." " Mornin', Harmony." "Where's Evalita?" "I don't know." "What's troublin' you, sonny boy?" "My grandmother from Alabama used to call me that." "Mema Rose." "Evalita didn't come home last night, did she?" "No, ma'am, she didn't." " Like a cat in heat." " Good mornin', Harmony." "Good mornin', Mama Wheelis." " Mornin'." " Mornin', Marlene." " Did you sleep well?" " I did." "Thank you very much." "And guess what?" "!" "This is just out of the blue, but I bet you lost more weight." "You noticed?" "One and a quarter more LB's." "Good God, Marlene, would you learn to strike a match?" "!" "I think I singed my nose hairs!" "Damn Herbalean!" "It cleanses my system!" "Marlene, honey, why don't you set the table?" "Yes, ma'am." "I'll help you." "I'm on Herbalean." "That's how I did it." "I don't know." "I don't think those radical diets are all that good for you." "I seem to keep the same weight just by eating healthy." "I don't drink anymore." "All I do now is smoke a little weed." "You smoke marijuana cigarettes?" "Not often." "Just every once in a while." "Just one little vice." "I figure with a good diet, a little wacky tobaccy won't hurt you." "Hey, I want you to try something." "Ooh, I've always wanted to try marijuana cigarettes." "No, it's not that." "One day, I was cleanin' out my boy's room, and I found this stuff on the top shelf in the back of his closet." "So I took it down, rolled it up and smoked it." "I got a little dizzy, but not much happened." "Then I found a box of catnip." "I thought, "Why does this boy have catnip... we don't have a cat?"" "We have a dog..." "Bimbo's his name." "Jimbo's my boy, Bimbo's the dog." "Anyway, I found out that I had smoked catnip." "I coulda killed that boy." "We gotta smoke the real stuff later." "Try this." "No, thank you, Harmony." "That ain't on my diet." "No, it's, like, 35 calories each." "Okay." "Thank you." "Good Lord, this stuff tastes like Styrofoam." "It's better with peanut butter and honey." "It'd have to be." "It's like eatin' an ice chest." "Lurlene, it's all yours." "Marlene stunk it up pretty bad, but I opened up a window." "Fat ass!" " Watch it!" " Sorry, Mama Wheelis." "Looks like at her age, she'd be hard of hearin', huh?" "I heard that." " Yeah." " Boy howdy." " I'm as hungry as a bear." " And mean as a snake." "Don't start with me, woman, 'cause I ain't in the mood." "You never are." "I lost another pound and a quarter this mornin', Orville." "Let's all stand up and do the jig." " Jealous?" "!" " Don't talk back to me, woman." "I'll slap the thunder outta you!" " Marlene, help me in the kitchen." " She'll be right there." "Now listen, woman." "I don't know what's gotten into you lately, but I don't want you ever to talk to me like that again." "You take your hands off me right this second." "I'm takin' Phil Donahue's advice, and I'm gonna stand up for my rights as an equal partner in this marriage." "Orville, let go of me." "You're hurtin' me." "Let go of me now!" " Marlene, help me scramble the eggs." " I'm comin', Mama Wheelis." "I'm warnin' you, Orville." "I'm gettin' real tired." "Crazy woman." "Oh, shit." "Morning, Orville." "Did you sleep well?" "What?" "Yeah." "Fine." "Just fine." "Mama Wheelis, don't cook me no breakfast." "Morning." "I have to go down to the bank and get into Daddy's safe deposit box and see if there's a copy of that will before Orville has a conniption fit." "Honey, you gotta eat breakfast." "It's the most important meal of the day." "I heard that on the "Hollywood Squares."" "Who was it said that?" "Oh, Lord!" "So, Orville..." "What?" "What kind of work do you do?" "I work for the city." "He dumps trash." "Would you shut the hell up, Marlene?" "!" "Jealous." "So you're a sanitation engineer, so to speak." " You gettin' smart with me, boy?" " Not at all." "For your information, it's a damn important job." "This country'd be a hell of a mess if it wasn't for us." "On top of that, you can find some good stuff that you can keep." "It's amazing what people throw out." "I wasn't making fun of you." "That's what we call 'em in California... sanitation engineers." "Really?" "Sanitation engineers?" "Yeah." "I kinda like the sound of that." " Sanitation engineer, huh?" " Right." "Marlene, where's my coffee?" "Sanitation engineer." "Ooh, you're gorgeous." "I am outta here." " Mornin', everyone." " Mornin', Lurlene." "Well, I hope I hadn't cooked this breakfast... everybody just flits off without a bite." "You off to the bank, Marlene on that crazy diet," "Evalita out alley-cattin', the hippie friend tanking' up on rice patties." " Are you hungry, Lurlene?" " Yes, ma'am." "What do you mean, Evalita's been out alley-cattin' around?" "She didn't come home last night." "That's what Harmony said." "Never a dull moment." "You'd think after five husbands and no tellin' how many in between, that girl woulda had enough by now." "Well, she is an adult, so I guess it doesn't concern us, does it?" "Besides, doesn't it say in the Bible, "Judge not lest ye be judged"?" "Right." "I'm gonna go fix Daddy his breakfast." "Thank you, Lurlene." "Boy, this is good." "Breakfast is the most important meal of the day." "Who was that that said that on the "Hollywood Squares"?" " Oh, shit!" "Damn it!" " Watch it." "Lurlene, Harmony was sittin' right out there." "He heard every word you said about Evalita." "Oh, I had no idea!" "Damn hippie queer..." "serves him right." "I think he's a nice person, and we all oughta try to treat him like family." "Family?" "Woman, are you outta your mind?" "He's a damn hippie." "Probably a bisexual homo." "Well, he looks like he's from outer space." "I think he's nice." "Bullshit." "He's a damn hippie pinko Commie..." "I've just about had enough of you." " Why?" " Don't you talk back to me!" "I'm gettin' sick and tired of that mouth of yours." "You may be big, but you ain't too big for me to take my razor strap to you." "What the hell are you laughin' at?" "Hush up... all of ya!" "There's a sick man in this house." "He may be dyin'." "You don't give a plug nickel." "So you all just hush up." "You're gettin' on my nerves." "Get to the table, all of ya." "You're gonna eat this breakfast whether you want it or not." "I'm just gonna take Daddy his tray, give him his medicine, and I'll be right back to eat my breakfast." "Thank you, Lurlene." "Lord, she's so sweet." "I believe if she hadn't been a preacher's wife, she'd have made a good nurse." "So much like Linny Sue." "Sara Lee, that's Clarence." "You go out there and tell him horn honking' is for callin' the cows." "Oh, my Lord!" "Evalita's getting out of his pickup... staggering' drunk." "What?" "!" "Time for breakfast." "Daddy?" "Daddy!" "Dr. Kaufman, report to ICU." "Dr. Kaufman, ICU, please." " Hi, Daddy." " Hello, pumpkin." "I wanna talk to all my kids." "I made a mistake." "I can't find my will." "I made a mistake." "He cut me out." "I just know I've done peed in my chili." "Lita." "Where's Lita?" "I'm here, Daddy." "I'm here." " I love you, Evalita." " Well, I love you, Daddy." " Sara Lee, where's Sara Lee?" " I'm here, Daddy." "I love you, Sara Lee." "Oh, Daddy, I love you, too." "Where's sister?" "Yes, Daddy?" " I love you, sister." " I love you so much, Daddy." "Orville." " Orville..." " Daddy... can you remember where you put your will?" "Look everywhere, Orville." "It could be anywhere." "I don't see no use." "He's mad at me." "I have done peed in my chili." "Will you shut the hell up about peeing' in your chili?" "!" "It turns my stomach." " Let me help you." " Okay." "Sure you don't want to go with us?" "We're just goin' for a little drive." "Oh, no, thank you." "I gotta get my beauty sleep." "It oughta take any day now." " Very funny." "Get in the car." " All right, then." "Clean this up." "Mama Wheelis is back." "What in the cat hair is goin' on here?" "!" " Nothin', Mama Wheelis." " Hush up!" "Now answer me." "What in the cat hair is goin' on?" "Nothin', Mama Wheelis." "You broke one of Linny Sue's cups." "You oughta be ashamed of yourself." " Sorry, Mama Wheelis." " I'm sorry, too, Mama Wheelis, but Orville broke that cup." "Orville pinched me." "You're looking for Daddy's will." "To get Daddy's affairs in order." "To get Daddy's affairs in order, Mama Wheelis." "I don't have a prayer anyway, 'cause I done peed in my chili." "If you say that one more time..." "What gives you two monkeys the right to get Buford's affairs in order?" " We're his children." " We're his children, Mama Wheelis." "Polly parrot." "Why don't you just keep quiet if you ain't got nothin' of your own to say?" "I swear, if you two had a brain between you, you'd be dangerous." "I want you to clean up this mess." "I don't want to see a thing out of place." "I want you to glue Linny Sue's cup back together." "Yes, Mama Wheelis." "What the hell are you all laughin' at?" " Oh, nothin'." " Oh, nothin' at all." "Whatever it was, I must've missed it." "What's so funny?" "Are y'all laughing' at us?" "You two just look like you were kids gettin' scolded, that's all." "It reminded me of that summer we went to stay with Mama Wheelis, and Orville dropped his little red ball down the hole of the outhouse." " I don't think that's very funny." " I don't, either." "Remember?" "He paid Evalita a nickel if she'd go down there and get it." "And she got stuck, so Orville, you had to go dig her out!" "I know the story." "I was there." "Yeah, I was there too, and I didn't think it was real funny." "I never vomited so hard in my life." "There I was with the hose, hosing' you down, both of you, both of you buck naked and covered with doo-doo from head to toe." "Oh, my sides!" "My sides are achin'!" "I used to love to spend the summers at Mama Wheelis'." "Oh, God, I hated those summers." "I was always the littlest, and y'all would never let me play with you." "You know why we didn't let you play with us, don't you, Evalita?" "It was 'cause you was a pain in the ass!" " Watch your mouth, Orville!" " They even say "ass" in the Bible." "You ain't in the Bible." "You're in Lowake." "Orville's right." "You were a pain in the ass." "You were a spoiled little brat." "Daddy just spoiled you rotten." "What are you gettin' so fired up about?" "That was when we was kids." ""Was," Evalita." "We ain't kids no more." "Don't you agree with me?" "Ain't it time Evalita just grew up?" "What are you talkin' about, girl?" "You know damn well what I'm talkin' about, girl." "Lord, I wish I had me a roast to tend to." "I don't." "You been rode hard, missy, and many, many times, and it's startin' to catch up with you." "Just look at that face." "You chisel off that makeup, and you're lookin' at nine miles of bad Texas road." "That's enough, Sara Lee." " You're not Mama, Lurlene." " I didn't say I was." "Just who the hell is it you think you are anyway?" "You think you can waltz in here every five or ten years, and take over the place and boss everyone else around, huh?" "No. I..." "You're not Mama, Lurlene, and don't you ever try to be." "I don't need to listen to this shit." "Oh, yes, you do, 'cause I'm not done with you yet." "The only thing you got goin' for you, missy, is that you're willin'." "You're willin' to bed flop with anything that moves, and I hate you for it." "That's enough, Sara Lee." " More than enough." " Shut up, Orville." " You're vicious, Sara Lee." " Yeah, well, I'm honest." "Like hell you are." "I got a question for you, and I want an answer." "Did you spend the night with Clarence last night?" " Oh, please!" " Shut up, Lurlene!" "This is gettin' good." "Go ahead, Evalita, answer her." "Shut up, Orville!" "Did you or did you not spend the night with my fiancé Clarence Hopkins last night?" "Well, you know Clarence, and you know me." "So I guess you got your answer." "Now, if y'all will excuse me," "I'm goin' down to Bluebell's to get drunk." "Might even get lucky again..." "who knows?" "You might've pulled the wool over everybody else's eyes, girl, but I been around this town, and I know the truth about you and Clarence." "You little bitch!" " I'm gonna snatch you baldheaded." " Yeah, right." "Where you goin', girl?" "I thought we were all gonna try to get along." "Wait a dad-burn minute." "That's my car!" "I am gonna kick your ass all the way to Odessa." "Just leave me alone, Lurlene!" "Sara Lee, please!" "Come on, it's my car!" "Damn crazy women." "You bitch!" "She better not put a scratch on my car." "Orville, go to the pantry and get the flashlight." "There's somethin' in the stonehouse I want you to help me with." "Is it heavy?" "Move that fat bohunkus of yours now before I take my switch to ya." " My back's been flaring' up." " Get!" "I'm hungry for love" "Like a hobo for food" "Like a devil hunts for bad" "Like an angel looks for good" "I've been oh, so lonesome" "Your letters ain't enough" "My... hey, just ignore her." "I need to talk to you." "Sure, baby." "I tried so many times... tears, dear" "Sweetheart" "Here you go." " I can do it myself." " Suit yourself." "How could you do it, Clarence?" "How could you do this to me?" "Do what, baby?" "Just don't call me that, okay?" "I don't know what you're talkin' about." "Never mind." "You don't owe me any explanations." "Clarence, I need a big favor, for old times' sake, okay?" "Okay." "What I need..." "I need..." "Well, I told my whole family that me and you was gettin' married." "I even bought a fake engagement ring." "Ain't that funny?" "And they bought it, too..." "hook, line and sinker." "And then this thing happened with you and Evalita." "Honey, nothin' happened with me and Evalita." "Oh, Clarence, don't play dumb with me, okay?" "I just don't wanna eat crow, especially not served by her." "Just don't sleep with her anymore, okay?" "I mean, tell her she's too old or she wasn't no good or something." "Sara Lee, I never slept with her in the first place." "Clarence, that is two stories I've heard now... one from you and one from that Jezebel... and I sure as hell ain't gonna place bets on who's lyin' and who's tellin' the truth." "Lord!" "Oh, shit, that's Lurlene!" "Hey, sweet thing." "Hey, over here, honey." "Just don't, okay?" "Don't worry, baby." "Everything's gonna be all right." "Oh, God, Clarence, I used to believe that." "I really did." "But I don't anymore." "I gotta go." "Look, we tried awfully hard, but I'm not gonna try anymore." "And I'd appreciate it if you didn't, either." "I still love you, Sara Lee." "I still love you, too, Clarence." "So, my sister Vanitta and me made these dresses." "Hers was pink and mine was lime green." "All right." "I don't think anybody's home." " Hello, everybody." "We're back!" " Cars are all gone." "You don't suppose Buford died?" " Hello." "Turnover-Wheelis residence." " Why don't you just say hello?" "Shut up!" "Damn." "That was some good shit." "This is Marlene Turnover." "I got a bad case of el munchos." "Me, too." "Fine, Maybelline, just fine." "Maybelline, are you still fat?" "Yeah, well, I lost weight." ""Why don't you look behind you and you'll find it."" "I'm sorry, Maybelline." "Somebody's just makin' me laugh." "It's Orville." "Yeah, you know what a cutup he is." "Yeah." "Shut up, Orville." "The number you have reached is out of service at this time." "Please check the number and try again." "This is a recording." "Damn it, I said it was out of order!" "Damn, these rice things ain't gonna cut it." "I'm hungry." "Damn, it's dark in here." "It's in here somewhere." "Could be a rattlesnake's nest in here." "Orville was datin' ugly old Wilma Burns." "She could bite a hog through a picket fence." "That's ugly." "He wouldn't even give me the time of day even though he was as big as an old barn, too." "Don't ask me why, Harmony, but I had the biggest crush on him then." "Damn, the pie is good." "So the band starts playin' Chubby Checker's "The Twist,"" "and you should've seen old Orville." "Do you want a sandwich of this leftover pot roast?" "That'd be weird." "So Orville starts twistin' and shouting' and shouting' and twisting'." "He twisted so hard, he split the seat right out of his suit pants." "He was so caught up in The Twist, he didn't even notice it." "Vanitta saw it first." "When she pointed to Orville, I about hit the floor... that big old butt of his just hangin' out of them suit pants." "He had a hole in his underwear." "I laughed so hard that I wet my pants." "You didn't." "I sure as hell did." "We had to leave the prom..." "didn't get to dance one dance." "You didn't?" "Vanitta was so mad at me..." "she was drivin'." "God, it was a sight." "That big old hole in his underwear..." "you could see his crack." "Marlene, you are a funny woman." "I never smoked marijuana cigarettes before." "It was a first for me." "And a pretty woman." "They make me talk too much, though." "They make me horny." "Oh, my stars." "I don't think you oughta be doin' that." " Funny and pretty, huh?" " Centered." " Oh, goodness, and centered?" " And fun." "I can't remember when I've had so much fun." "Harmony, I don't think you oughta do this anymore, 'cause I'm gettin' a little..." " Horny?" " Yeah." "No!" "Confused." "Harmony, I never had anybody say them kind of things to me before." "Stop, Harmony." "We can't do this." "Somebody's gonna catch us." "We can't..." "Marlene, I think I'm falling in love with you." "What?" "!" "That's impossible." "It's them marijuana cigarettes." "I don't know what I'm doin'." "You can't." "I got a fat, mean husband and a kid in reform school." "I know." "Harmony, don't do that now." "Stop." " Run away with me, Marlene." " I can't." "Now you stop it." " I can't." " Harmony, stop it." "This ain't right." " It ain't right?" " No, it ain't right, and Harmony, it ain't moral." "Somehow, I don't think it's very right or very moral for you to be miserable with that lousy son of a bitch" " who treats you like shit." " We had some good years." " You're unhappy, Marlene." " What are you talkin' about?" "I'm happy." "With me, tonight." "You've only been happy once since you got here." "That was with me." "Stop it." "Stop sayin' them things." "Why?" "'Cause they're true?" "No, they ain't true." "What about Evalita?" "What about her, Marlene?" "Evalita doesn't love me." "Evalita doesn't know what love is." "I want a real woman, an honest woman, a sincere woman, a woman capable of giving and being loved." "And that woman is right in front of me." "Oh, Harmony, the way you talk." "That's it." "Marlene, come here, pronto." "Great pie." "I wish I could bake like Mama Wheelis." "Well, well." "Well, what do we have here?" "A hippie and a hippo." "We was hungry, so we fixed a little snack." "Little, my ass." "What happened to "get lean with Herbalean," Marlene?" " Great pie." " Thank you, Harmony." " I can have one meal a day, Orville." " One meal, my ass." "Watch it!" "That's enough food to feed an army." "Harmony was eatin', too." "Yeah?" "Great pie." " You're mean, Orville." " I ain't mean." "Puttin' my only boy in reform school and always makin' fun of me..." "you are too mean." "I ain't mean." "I'm just seein' what's goin' on, that's all." "And you leave Jimbo out of this." "I knew this wouldn't last." "You're gonna blow up bigger than Lulu on "Hee-Haw,"" "and once you start, you can't stop, and you know it." "Please shut up." "Just leave me alone." "I can hear them hens down at the beauty shop..." ""Oh, honey, look at Marlene." "Lost all that weight, and now, she's bigger than Dallas."" " I can't wait." " Oh, God, shut up!" "You know, Orville, you never have a kind word to say to me... not one kind word." "But you're gonna be sorry one day, and it's gonna be too late." "Where the hell you think you're goin'?" "I'm goin' out." "Orville, that was mean..." "just real mean." "Don't you tell me how to talk to my own damn wife." "I'm a grown man, Mama Wheelis." "Let go of me!" "I can manage very well myself, thank you." "Fine, but if you throw up on my leather seats, you'll clean every bit of it up." "Hey, Lurlene, you know, there's somethin' I've been wantin' to tell you for the longest time." "You sing just like Mildred Keevner." "Livin' on the dark side of life" "You don't know what's wrong and what's right" "'Cause you're livin' on the dark side of life" " Marlene?" " What?" "What in the hell are you doin' out here?" "Nothin'." "Are you cryin'?" "What's wrong with you now?" "Nothin'." "I'm depressed." "I got just the thing." "You know what I do when I get depressed?" "Well, I sing Christmas carols... because Christmas makes me happy." "Jingle all the way" " Let me help you with that." " Oh, yeah." "Just put it on that table over there." "I been down on my back lately." "So you think Daddy's will is in that box?" "Mama Wheelis said it was." "I'm back." "Thank God you are all right." "I have been worried sick about you." "Oh, I'm fine." "What are you doin' with Daddy's strongbox?" "Mama Wheelis showed me where it was." "She said the will's in it, but we can't find the key." "Mama Wheelis, why didn't you say something to me about this?" "It had slipped my mind." "Old people tend to forget." " Dashing through the snow" " What in the world?" "!" " In a one-horse open sleigh" " What now?" "O'er the fields we go, laughing all the way" "Bells on bobtails ring, making spirits bright" "What fun it is to laugh and sing a sleighing song tonight" "Oh, jingle..." "We're drunk." " No shit!" " Watch it." "I ain't drunk." "I'm high on marijuana cigarettes." "Oh, my Lord!" "You are lucky you didn't get arrested." "But I'll get drunk, too." "No wonder our boy's in reform school." "I oughta beat the livin' shit outta you." "I tell you what you oughta do." "You oughta cram this where the sun don't shine." "You put him there, Orville, that's why he's there." "You just better watch it, 'cause I'm real tired of you." "There ain't no reasonin' with a dope addict." "Give it to me." "I wanna give it to you, all right." "Stop it now!" "Here." "I just wanted to see how fast an asshole could move." "You bore the shit outta me, Orville." "I'm washin' my hands of this whole family." "I'm gonna get drunk now." "You don't need them beers." "Harmony, my very good friend, would you like a beer?" "Excuse me." "I didn't mean to do that." "Well, now..." "Ain't this exciting'?" "Sittin' around listening' to people burp, watchin' a fool tryin' to open a strongbox." "Maybe tonight, we can go downtown and watch fireflies spin around a streetlamp for entertainment." "No, Evalita." "I'm sure you can sniff out a honky-tonk or two, if you just put your mind to it." "Be careful, Orville." " Is the will in this box?" " That's what Mama Wheelis said." "I can open that box." "What?" "He's sayin' he can open Buford's strongbox." "I'll have it open in a second with this crowbar." "Here, Harmony, open it." "I don't need that." "I need a hairpin." "You havin' a little trouble there, Harmony?" "Not at all." "Oh!" "That hippie's a crook." "I was, Mama Wheelis." "I did some time, too," " for burglary." " Oh, dear." "Lurlene, come help me hide my jewelry." "And grab the cookie jar." "You don't have to hide your jewelry." "Harmony, I didn't know you'd been in the pen." "Does that upset you?" "What the hell." "Let's just let bygone be bygones..." "Yeah, it does." "Evalita, that third husband of yours..." " Dave, Dale, Darrell..." " Darrell." "whatever the hell his name was... went to the pen up in Huntsville for writin' hot checks." " I divorced him, didn't I?" " What the hell do you care?" "Maybe Mama Wheelis is right." "I guess I just pick losers." "Excuse me." "Harmony, I'm sorry." "I didn't..." "I been drinkin'." "I'm not myself!" "Shit!" "I shouldn't have said that." "He's been good to me." "You treated him like dirt." "Y'all come around here." "Let's get this show on the road." "Mama Wheelis, he's gone." "I like that boy, but that diamond brooch Daddy Wheelis gave me is worth a fortune." "I hated that old goat, but I loved that brooch." "He wouldn't have stole your brooch, Mama Wheelis." "Oh, look." "My baby shoes, bronzed." "He kept my second-grade report card." "Look here." "It's an arrowhead I found and gave to Daddy on Father's Day when I was real little." "Daddy's real sentimental, ain't he?" "This is that news clippin' about Linny Sue when she died." "Can we take a shortcut down Memory Lane and find the God damn will?" "I was ready to tear up, Evalita." "Thanks for ruining' my moment." "Well, here it is." "I'm so nervous, I can hardly stand it." "Give me it." "Evalita, this ain't the time for this." "Okay, okay, it says," "Mama Wheelis and Sara Lee get the house and..." "I can't believe this." "It says Daddy's worth over $600,000!" "Oh, you read it, Sara Lee." "Out loud." "Y'all millionaires yet?" "Come on, Sara Lee, just read it." "He said he made a mistake, Lurlene." "I'm not in it, am I?" "What about me?" "I have done peed in my chili." "It's all right." "I never expected anything anyway." "Well, I did." "There goes the motorboat you wanted." "What's so funny, Marlene?" "He's divided everything among Evalita and Sara Lee and he's crossed out Orville's name, and written in Jimbo Turnover." "He left my part to that little sissy?" "!" "That means you, me and Jimbo get $200,000 each." "Now, he didn't leave me out." "It says right here in number five:" ""I leave my daughter Lurlene Sue Turnover Rogers one dollar."" "Anybody want a loan?" "That means you'll get a dollar, too, Orville, even though it don't say it, 'cause I believe it's the law." "A buck?" " This is just awful." " One measly buck." "I'm just sick over it." " One measly buck." " I have an idea." "Since Evalita feels so awful about this, why don't she and Sara Lee divide their part" " with Orville and Lurlene?" " It ain't that awful." "I'm willin' to give some of mine away." "I got expenses with my record and all." "I just don't think I can afford it." "I been countin' on this." "Buford oughtn't have left you a dime." "I tried my best to talk him out of it." "You shut up, Mama Wheelis!" "Don't you ever tell her to shut up again, or you'll be sprawled out on that floor not knowin' what hit you." "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry, Mama Wheelis." "Well, looky what the cat drug up." " My daddy left me a bundle." " Did he die?" "No, not yet, but when he does, we can make a whole album, and you can produce it." "It's gonna be wonderful, baby." "I'm such a lucky woman." "I got you and I got my talent, and I got all that money." "Baby, all you got is the money." "I dumped your things out on the lawn." "I'm goin' back to California." "Here's your demo tape." "I'm sorry I called you a loser, but I was drunk." "I'm sober now." "I'm goin' with you, Harmony." "You what?" "He asked me to go with him, so I'm goin'." "You're right, Harmony." "All I have is a fat, mean husband, and a very rich kid in reform school." "I'm goin'." " I've had just about enough lip." " I'm sorry!" "I'm gonna teach you a lesson once and for all!" "The only way you're goin' is over my dead body." "You have to sleep sometime." "Let her go now!" "Who gives a shit anyway?" "It was nice meetin' you, Harmony." "Now, you keep on singin'." " You've got a nice singing' voice." " Thank you." " And be good to her." " I will." "Bye, Lurlene." "Thanks for always bein' so nice to me." "I'll be prayin' for you, Marlene." "Good-bye, Mama Wheelis." "I love you." "You be sure to write." "Box 95, Lowake, Texas, 76768." "Bye, Sara." "You take real good care of yourself, okay?" "I hope you and Clarence get back together." "I hope you know what you're doin'." "This time, I think I do." "Bye." " I'm sorry, Evalita." " Shut up." "Just get outta here." "Trash." "I guess that's us." "I ain't goin' to the funeral." "If all he left me was one measly buck, then I ain't goin' to his funeral." " Orville, please!" " I ain't goin'." " You've got to go." "It won't look right." " I don't gotta do nothin'!" "I already said I was gonna split my part with you and Lurlene." "Then I'll go to your funeral." "I ain't goin' to his." "You gotta go to your own daddy's funeral." "Marlene used to tie my tie." "I can't even tie my own damn tie." " I never meant to hurt her." " I know." "It's all right, Orville." "I tied it." "It looks real good." "We love you, Orville." "Come on, now." "We got to practice this song." "I'm ready." " Oh, dear!" " Oh, my Lord!" "Evalita, we have to be at Daddy's funeral in ten minutes." " I'm ready." " You can't go lookin' like that." "The hell I can't." "I can go any way I damn well please." "Shows about as much respect as that trashy mouth of yours." "I don't need to live my life by the standards of Lowake, Texas." "You don't live your life by any standards." " I've had just about enough." " It's about time." "If I'm performing', I'm wearin' my stage clothes." "Evalita, this is the Baptist church, not the Grand Ole Opry." "Minnie Pearl." "She's the one that said breakfast is the most important meal of the day on the "Hollywood Squares."" "I ain't goin'." "I just now decided for sure." "Orville, we need your voice." "Buford wanted you to sing..." "all of you..." "like you used to." "We're goin' to sing his favorite, "Precious Memories,"" "just like when we were all kids." "It was his last request." "I'm singin' a solo." "I ain't singing' with y'all." "We're all singin' together." "The service is planned, Evalita." "You can count me out." "I don't sing with amateurs." "You oughta be ashamed of yourself... goin' to your own daddy's funeral dressed like that." "Well, I ain't." "She's trash... pure D white trash." "Quite frankly, I'd be embarrassed to be seen with you lookin' like that." "God!" "It's..." "I don't have anything else." "This is all I got." "Leave me alone!" "I feel just awful." "Honey, I'd have been glad to lend her a shawl or an apron." "She ran upstairs and slammed the door." "Why is it every time she's wrong, we feel sorry?" "I don't know." "We gotta practice this song." "All right, Mama Wheelis, let's practice this song." "Are you going to help us?" "Hell, no." "I guess then that Sara Lee, Lurlene and me will just have to sing a trio." "I'll sing alto." "I'll sing soprano." "I'll sing whatever comes outta my mouth." "Precious memories, unseen angels" "Sent from somewhere to my soul" "How they linger ever near me" "How the sacred past unfolds" "Precious memories, how they linger" "How they ever flood my soul" "In the stillness of the midnight" "Precious sacred scenes unfold" "They unfold" "Precious father, loving mother" "Fly across the lonely years" "Lonely years" "And old home scenes of my childhood" "In fond memory appear" "They appear" "Precious memories, how they linger" "How they ever flood my soul" "In the stillness of the midnight" "Echoes from the past I hear" "I hear" "Old time singing', gladness ringin'" "From that lovely land somewhere" "Land somewhere" "Precious memories, how they linger" "How they ever flood my soul" "In the stillness of the midnight..."