"The feeling of the morning meeting is that there's nothing new to say about this war." "It's all fighting and refugees and stuff." "What's your usual type?" "It's always the unsuitable ones for me." "I was gonna become a Simpson, a Bell, a Buerk." "(LAUGHING)" "Quiet, patient, methodical." "That is the way of the tortoise." "He's in no hurry." "He knows what he wants and he knows how to get it." "Oh, hello, fella!" "I love tortoises." "Oh, gee!" "Ahh!" "Ah, poor Harry." "Did the tortoises creep up on you?" "Yeah." "It's not your fault." "That is why they're called the leopard tortoise." "They're by far the fastest of the African tortoises." "Really?" "Oh, yes." "They can reach speeds of up to, oh, three quarters of a kilometre an hour." "Wow!" "Hang on, that's not fast at all." "No, they're called leopard tortoises because they have spots." "Idiot." "Oh." "Harry, if you're ever going to be a world-famous war reporter, you will have to learn to recognise when people are lying to you." "And you have to learn to concentrate when other people are talking." "What's that, fellas?" "I think they're trying to tell us something." "Harry, you promised me a driving lesson today." "(WHISPERING) Come on, Grace." "This way!" "Welcome, welcome to the BBC." "ALL CHILDREN:" "Welcome!" "Right, Rory, may as well run a bit of tape while we're here." "No, David." "My story, thank you." "It is so good to be back here again." "Bwana Mwalimu was the best teacher I ever had." "He always let me do the Bible readings in his science lessons." "Jane Thomason, BBC News." "Very pleased to meet you." "Joyful, where the hell is the toilet?" "I am desperate." "It is from BBC World Service that I learned all my English." "Just a Minute." "I'm Sorry, I Haven't Got A Clue." "Sir, very pleased to meet you." "I'm Margaret Hollis from the World Service." "All the others are from television." "The World Service!" "Oh, my days!" "The World Service!" "(SPEAKING SWAHILI)" "We are so very honoured." "Look at her, bursting with pride." "Oh, don't say bursting." "Just makes her look desperate." "Or desperate!" "Tell me, have you yourself ever reported for From Our Own Correspondent?" "Many, many times." "Oh, my days!" "What was your name again?" "Margaret Hollis." "Never heard of you." "Sorry, sorry." "Out the way!" "In this famous story, this fable, you represent the tortoise, yes?" "Yep!" "Slow and steady, wins the race." "Only if your competitors..." "The hares, yeah." "Yes." "Only if they all suddenly decide to go to sleep under a tree." "Do you know what, Harry, I think that tortoise was lucky." "I don't think it's a good idea to use his experience as a basis for your career." "Hey!" "Oh, look!" "A spitting cobra!" "Brilliant!" "Tell me this." "What happens if you, Harry the tortoise, win this race?" "If you impress this Alex, who seems to me to be a complete bell-end..." "Bell-end!" "Your English, Grace, is really getting good." "If you impress him with some big story that gets on the Six or the Ten or the Seventeen, what happens then?" "Well then, I'll get a chance at a staff job." "And who knows?" "I might get posted to..." "Yes?" "You're wondering..." "Yes." "I mean, you're thinking..." "Yes." "What happens to me then, Harry?" "To you and me?" "Eh?" "What does that say?" ""Do not provoke the snake."" "Ooh!" "Harry?" "Hey, there's a little bush trick I read about how to deal with cobras, right?" "You put two drawing pins on the bottom of your shoe, you show it to the snake, it mistakes them for the eyes of an animal, then it spits at your shoe." "Eyes, perfectly safe." "Easy!" "Put it away." "I'm not going to spit at your foot." "That's what we journalists call "colour reporting"." "You effortlessly slip in local information to establish one's authority." "It's the sort of thing that goes down really well back in London." "Is it, Harry?" "Well, perhaps when you've finished going down on London, you can spend some time with me?" "Grace!" "Grace!" "The World Service must put Just A Minute back." "You can listen on the computer." "Have you tried that?" "Oh, I love that." "Okay, shooting this way." "Now, Mr Mwalimu, I understand you recently received some aid from a British charity." "It's amazing." "Your country's helping us enter the digital age." "No, not to her." "To me, thank you." "Would you say that your country and ours" "are partners in a digital handshake?" "This is my interview, David." "No, no, I mean, would you actually say that, please?" "You would like me to talk about charities, madam?" "Yes, please." "Like they do on BBC radio?" "Please." "Very well then." "I'll speak for one minute on charities, without deviation, hesitation or repetition." "Here at the school..." "No, that's not..." "We are very pleased to accept the help of charities from Great Britain, France, Canada, Japan, the People's Republic of China..." "Ah." "Hey!" "(SPEAKING SWAHILI)" "Go away, please!" "Who are you?" "Answer!" "Well, my name is Jane Thomason." "I'm from the BBC." "And may I just say, what kind of a..." "Yeah, I'm going to say it, pervert, sneaks up on a woman while she's having a poo?" "You must leave here." "I'm going." "Don't you worry, I'm just going." "I mean, I've been now and now I'm actually going as well." "Ah, ah, now I wasn't actually going to use one of your 50s, but I thought, with the exchange rate, 10 pence to, you know, wipe my tuppence was actually a bargain." "Come with me." "Right." "No, that's very kind of you, but I have colleagues nearby." "I'm with the BBC." "Um, Joyful!" "Jack!" "Rory!" "Margaret!" "David!" "John!" "Paul!" "Ringo!" "Tupac!" "To enable us to realise the full, uh, potential, of, uh, children." "Bzzzzz!" "Huh?" "Repetition!" "You repeated "children", I'm afraid, and "school"." "And "Oh, my days" and, uh, "uh"." "Never mind." "That means that I have 13 seconds on charities." "David!" "David!" "I love charities." "Charities are a much needed resource who do a great deal of good, and employ lots of eager, and often attractive, female volunteers." "(BLOWING WHISTLE)" "One minute!" "Congratulations." "Oh, well, thank you." "(LAUGHING)" "Now we are ready for you." "The children would like to sing you a traditional English religious song to welcome you." "That was just spiteful!" "Bloody bastards!" "First." "That's it." "Whoa!" "It's all right." "It's all right." "All right?" "Everyone does that to start off with." "You just let the clutch out too quickly." "Hey, I remember once I managed to put the car into first instead of reverse, right, let the clutch out and bounced it straight into the examiner's Jaguar." "That's a fail, apparently." "A Jaguar?" "Yeah." "It's a car." "Just drive on." "Ignition." "Good." "Very good." "Very good." "Bit of gas." "And ready to try..." "Ready to try second?" "No." "No, no, okay." "First is fine." "Harry, we really need to talk about what you don't want to talk about." "Let's try an emergency stop." "Stop!" "Yeah, that's good." "# I close my eyes # I close my eyes" "# Drew back the curtain" "# Ahhh" "# To see for certain" "# Ahhh" "# What I thought I knew #" "My name is Jane Thomason." "I am a journalist and I work for, um, BBC News." "I'm here reporting on this school's links with... (MOBILE PHONE RINGING)" "Jane, hi." "Alexander here." "News desk, I've got to be quick 'cause it's going absolutely bloody mental at this end." "I shouldn't even be telling you this, but it's Defcon one." "It's Chris Moyles last night during the CBeebies bedtime story, swore like an absolute bastard, so the Head of Youth has to go on Newsnight tonight to be beaten to a bloody pulp by Paxman." "God knows who's going to resign this time." "Stop talking!" "Oh..." "Sorry." "Is that not Jane?" "Is that London?" "Yeah." "How is England?" "What?" "How is England?" "Uh..." "Well, it's bloody freezing actually." "No!" "How is England?" "Oh!" "Sorry, hold on." "220 for 2." "Very good." "Not bad." "Sorry, is Jane not there?" "She's not available." "Oh, God." "I think I might need to pop for another quick poo." "Could I be excused?" "Please?" "I've nearly stopped it, don't worry." "When I finished school, you know, Harry, my father told me to leave the country." "Go to America, Britain maybe." "Get a degree." "He knew that this war would come." "But I disobeyed him." "Watch that!" "Jesus!" "You have so many things I've not got, Harry." "An education." "Money." "The means to escape." "Freakishly large feet." "(GRUNTING)" "They're a curse as much as a blessing though." "I'm always aiming for the accelerator and I end up hitting the brake." "Are you going to leave me, Harry?" "The mirrors!" "How many times do I have to tell you?" "You've got to use the mirrors!" "# Consider yourself at home" "# Consider yourself one of the family" "# We've taken to you so strong" "# It's clear we're going to get along #" "(APPLAUDING)" "Joyful!" "Joyful, why didn't you come looking for me?" "Page 32 of How to Be a Fixer." ""Western women defecate all over Africa." ""Do not interrupt them, they do not like it!"" "Rory, I was being held out there..." "Really?" "No, by soldiers." "There are soldiers out there." "What, you don't think there's a war on?" "Right." "There are soldiers out there, lots of them, right outside, big red flashes on their uniforms." "(SHELL EXPLODING)" "(SPEAKING SWAHILI)" "Come on, it will be safer for them if we go." "Right." "Oh, my days." "Leave now." "Very dangerous." "Goodbye, BBC." "Can we just..." "I'm sorry, Mrs Radio." "Time has run out." "Nicholas Parsons has blown the whistle." "Please go." "That could have been an excellent feature on schooling in rural Africa during a time of crisis." "I doubt that, Margaret, but it could have been 15 seconds of digital chip paper..." "Mr David, these are not the rebels." "This is the Presidential Guard." "Rory, keep recording, will you?" "We must leave now." "No, absolutely not!" "Jane, five minutes, please." "Fixer says no." "(SHELL EXPLODING)" "Right." "Let's go!" "Very quickly." "Flak jackets on!" "MARGARET:" "Actually, I'm not sure I brought mine." "I forget you don't know what a roundabout is, do you?" "It's, um, well, it's like a junction, well, it's like a crossroads, except that it's round and everyone drives round it the same way, except me on that one occasion 'cause I drove straight over it..." "Yeah." "So that was another fail." "I've left my sunhat." "Go back, Joyful!" "Drive on, Joyful!" "I think we can cut through this village." "MARGARET:" "But it's my favourite hat." "What?" "That's not good." "Oh, big, hairy mapumbu." "Don't worry." "No, Joyful!" "This is great." "This is what we came for." "Go back, Joyful!" "Go back!" "No." "This is looking great." "All right, just keep calm, okay?" "Yes." "Keep calm." "Deep breaths." "Well driven, Joyful." "Loving it." "Loving it." "(SHELL EXPLODING)" "Ooh!" "Rebels, too!" "Can we just..." "Rory!" "Hey!" "That looks like my cousin Effort!" "Effort!" "You may want to hammer it, Joyful!" "(BULLETS FLYING)" "So unfriendly." "Unfriendly fire!" "I remember in Turkmenistan," "I was in this rickshaw thing with Sandy Gall and suddenly we turned a corner and there was this huge burst of gunfire and it turned out to be these two policemen." "So Sandy said, "Thanks very much for the unfriendly fire." ""I thought we were all supposed to be on the same side."" "Joyful, over there!" "And I said, "Unfriendly fire?"" "Whoa, stop there!" "Stop, stop, stop!" "Everyone out!" ""That was downright surly!"" "In that ditch now!" "Of course there was no such thing as Health and Safety then." "People telling you you can't do things because it's not safe." "All these petty rules!" "(EXCLAIMING)" "Hurry, for God's sakes." "All right, all right." "I don't know, okay?" "I can't promise to stay here forever, Grace." "When the rest of the world gets tired of this war, when another country explodes into a crisis, these journalists, they're just going to move on and I really want the chance to go with them, all right?" "I mean, I love..." "I love being here, I love being here with you." "It's just this war might not go on forever, however much you and I want it to." "Is that it, Harry?" "Not exciting enough for you jet-setting war correspondents?" "Not dangerous enough for you?" "Not enough at stake?" "Grace!" "Right, fine." "Lesson over!" "Lesson over!" "I'm..." "Grace!" "Grace!" "Slow down!" "Grace!" "Terrific!" "This is exactly what happened in Somalia." "Only I was in a cattle trough wearing one of Johnny Simpson's old burkas!" "I can't get a tossing signal!" "Government lines that way, rebel lines that way." "If we wait here, we should be all right." "Are you sure?" "They are only trying to kill each other." "The only way we would be killed is if they made a mistake with the trajectory of the mortar fire." "This is unlikely." "(SHELL EXPLODING)" "That was close!" "That way!" "That way!" "(MACHINE GUN FIRING)" "The PKM 7.62 mm is a belt-fed machine gun popular with Third World liberation armies." "That's right." "Yes." "Ignore her." "Stress reaction." "Or she thinks she's a tour guide at the Imperial War Museum." "Okay, Rory, let's knock off a quick piece to camera while we've still got the light." "There's no way I am letting you stand up straight in here." "They'll take your head off." "Your next book will have a picture of a stump on the inside flap." "No need to stand up." "I shall deliver this piece to camera in my BAFTA crouch." "Looking good, David." "(MACHINE GUN FIRING)" "The Dushka heavy machine gun fires 12.7 mm rounds which can demolish a small building." "Quiet, please, for sound!" "Let's have a look." "Is that the rebel side?" "It looks like..." "They're bringing in reinforcements of some kind." "Here, what do you think?" "That's not a military vehicle." "What is that?" "I don't know." "I think it's..." "Hang on!" "It's the receptionist from the hotel." "What?" "Oh, bloody hell." "No wonder my laundry wasn't ready." "What is she doing here?" "This is a war zone!" "Well, judging by her face, she's come to join in." "Oh my God!" "Oh my God, there's another..." "Oh God, there's two cars." "There's two cars." "It's got a gun!" "It's got a gun on it!" "Just stop the car now!" "Right, stop!" "Stop!" "Oh God!" "(SCREAMING)" "Is he all right?" "Yeah, I think so." "They've been bundled into the back of a vehicle." "Oh, shit!" "Are they wounded?" "(MACHINE GUN FIRING)" "Outgoing fire can sometimes be more alarming than incoming." "(SHELL EXPLODING)" "I hope he's fully comp." "Great!" "It's getting dark!" "The tracers are gonna look fabulous." "What were you doing in this place?" "This is very dangerous." "My boyfriend was giving me a driving lesson." "You could have easily got us killed, Grace." "Now they've blown up my car!" "That would absolutely have been a fail, no question." "She is very lucky." "Oh, yeah!" "Hear that?" "If she hadn't got a journalist with her, we'd have left her there." "You are a journalist, yes?" "Hardly." "My cousin Joyful has told me what he's like." "You must be some sort of saint." "Oh, thanks." "Well, if you'll excuse me, we have a country to liberate." "Mr Chambers, make sure you report that your life was saved by the Karibu Workers' Revolutionary Army." "Here's our card." "Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, of course, I mean, I've been looking for a story..." "Yes, Mr Chambers, but that does not mean that you will find it." "According to Joyful, you have trouble locating your backside with both hands and a mirror." "Oh, that's a laugh." "I'll see he gets the details right." "Good." "Bye, bye then." "Oh, what a lovely evening!" "Fancy a stroll?" "(GRUNTING)" "(MACHINE GUN FIRING)" "There we go!" "The battle will surely end soon." "The rebels have very little ammunition." "You said that two hours ago." "The RPK is an assault rifle similar to an AK, but with a longer non-detachable barrel..." "Where's she got this stuff?" "She's just feeling a little bit stressy." "You could throw her out of the ditch to create a diversion so we can get to the vehicle." "Put the camera down then." "I'll need some help." "I've got a signal." "I've got a signal!" "The RPG, or rocket-propelled grenade launcher, is accurate to a distance of 300 metres." "(PHONE RINGING)" "Oh, come on, Alex!" "Nigel!" "Anyone!" "(SHELL EXPLODING)" "Good evening, BBC." "What name, please?" "Oh, yes, hello, hello." "Uh, what was that?" "Name, please?" "Uh, yes, is that the World News desk?" "Sorry, it's very noisy." "Can you speak up?" "Okay, I am in a ditch in a country you have probably never even heard of and I'm required by the BBC health and safety guidelines to notify the office of any changes to my risk assessment." "And as the entire Karibu Presidential Guard is less than 50 feet away," "I may have to substantially revise the risk that my team might all die!" "Could you pass that on, please?" "Karibu?" "Yes! "K"! "A"! "R"!" "That's where I come from." "Where exactly are you?" "I don't believe this." "She's from Karibu." "Oh!" "(SPEAKING SWAHILI)" "Joyful?" "Jabulile!" "(SPEAKING SWAHILI)" "Well?" "She had to go." "She's not allowed to take personal calls at work." "Little Jabulile!" "Don't tell me that was one of your cousins." "Okay." "It's not just Jaguar." "A lot of cars are named after wild animals." "You know, exciting names, like Puma, Mustang, Cobra." "But there is no such thing as a Ford Tortoise." "No, but..." "Harry, I understand you want to be a successful foreign correspondent." "If that means it's all over for us, then just say that." "I never said that." "But if you really want to get somewhere in your life, you need to be more dynamic." "Who ever heard of a dynamic tortoise?" "I can be dynamic!" "Even the rebel army knows you're useless!" "Oh." "Okay, okay, I'll show you dynamic." "Here I go, being dynamic." "Now you're being stupid." "No, no, I'm being dynamic." "I'm not gonna come back without a story!" "Ha-ha!" "See you back at the hotel!" "(WHOOPING)" "(MAKING EXPLODING SOUND)" "Tank beats mine." "I think we should run for it." "No." "Look, Jane, this isn't the first time" "I've been pinned down by incoming in a free-fire zone." "And I do know this." "If you run full pelt, crouched low, zig-zagging, moving from cover to cover, with the camera running in night vision, it looks amazing." "Just amazing." "Isn't that right, Rory?" "Yeah." "And it's safer as well, apparently." "Well, yes." "There's that, too." "Incoming!" "Is she right?" "Get down." "Something else is coming." "What is it?" "Sounds like a tank." "A tank?" "Rory, run the camera." "Run it now!" "Most tanks in service in Africa have a 100mm rifled D10T-series gun..." "Oh, Jesus." "Oh, bloody Jesus." "This is just a small war." "Just a local war." "But if you're as close to it as I am now," "it looks, it feels, pretty big." "Mr Bradburn..." "This is the reality of this conflict." "This" "is the reality of war." "Soviet-designed T-55." "Not a T-62." "The road wheels at the rear are spaced differently." "It's gone." "Are you sure?" "Yep!" "Now we run for it!" "Take the camera." "Go!" "Keep the camera running, Rory!" "I think I left my torch." "Rory, profile!" "Profile!" "Yeah, that's it." "Watch where you're going, David!" "Oh!" "Thank you, one, two, three..." "Right." "Go, Joyful." "Go." "Go." "Go." "Oh, you beauty!" "Beauty is my niece." "I am Joyful." "Here's a story for you, Jane." "Presidential Guard command post." "Now that's an exclusive." "(PHONE RINGING)" "Come on, Jane." "Come on." "Hello?" "Jesus!" "BBC!" "BBC!" "BBC!" "BBC!" "BBC!" "BBC!" "BBC!" "No!" "No!" "(CHUCKLING)" "Oh, that was the most exciting night in my life." "I feel like a million dollars!" "Zimbabwean?" "Right." "Give me us hour to do a rough cut and I'll have something to show you." "Oh, no, no." "I need to get on air now." "I'm all stoked up." "It's 5:00 in the morning, David." "Chances are there's no one in at Television Centre who isn't related to Joyful." "I don't care." "I need to broadcast now!" "I'm pumped!" "I'm engorged!" "He's always like this after he's had a bit of adrenalin." "Well, it takes different people in different ways." "Jane!" "Why aren't they serving breakfast?" "I'm absolutely famished for some reason!" "Jack used to say..." "Jack?" "Yeah." "My last cameraman." "The guy before you." "Oh, yeah." "Yeah, he used to say that the more dangerous the situation you'd just escaped from, the, um, better the sex when you got back to the hotel." "Did he now?" "Bradburn?" "Ah, Humphrys?" "You're up early." "Been kicked out of bed again, I suppose?" "How's the war?" "Spent the night observing from a foxhole to get a first-hand view of the fighting on the ground." "Only had the entire government forces drive right over my head!" "Good man!" "So I suppose we'll be seeing the old BAFTA crouch again, will we?" "You just might." "Tell you what, why don't we record a bit?" "Get your first reactions to it all." "Thanks, John." "You know what it feels like when you've had the skeletal hand of the reaper brush your shoulder." "Course I do." "I've just cycled round Shepherd's Bush Green." "I have just had, let me tell you, the most amazing experience." "I mean, it's all very well knowing about diameters and rifling and how many wheels a tank has, but when you've seen one roar over your head and you've smelt the diesel and seen the tracks," "it doesn't bloody matter what bore the main bloody gun is, you just want to find another person and tell them how wonderful they are and you are and the whole bloody world is." "Yeah, God, yeah." "We have to seize the day, Jim." "Come on." "Leave your omelette." "John, this war has raged around us for weeks now." "But last night it raged on top of us." "My cameraman and I were pinned down in a foxhole, trapped between government and rebel forces." "Around us we could hear the crack of AK4 7s," "PKM machine guns and Dushka mortars, classic weapons of an African civil war." "So what's the situation now, now you're back in the capital?" "There's a real feeling now the war is being brought right to President Kubwasana's doorstep." "So, like me just a few hours ago, the government here is pinned down and under fire." "It remains to be seen whether, also like me, it can escape with just a few bruises." "David Bradburn there, in Uzuri." "Thanks, David." "Feeling better now, are we?" "Oh, thanks, John." "I needed that." "(CAR DOOR CLOSING)" "Ah, Mr Chambers." "Good morning." "Good morning, good morning, good morning, good morning, Grace." "Right." "Just to be clear, you think I'm not a very dynamic journalist." "That is correct." "That I lack focus, drive, ambition." "Yes." "If you're making a list, you're also an impatient lover." "Right..." "Right, well, all that's changed now." "The slow and steady tortoise, he's gone." "I'm the hare." "Speedy." "Alert." "Ready for anything." "Because, in one hour's time, I've only just gone and got an interview with one of the Presidential Guard." "I am the first journalist to see behind those mirrored sunglasses." "Right." "Turns out he's a massive cricket fan." "We compared strokes, he's got a complete set of Wisden." "Oh, and when I said I'd met Monty Panesar, he..." "Mr Harry, Miss Grace, I am very happy." "Are you not happy?" "Yeah, well, yeah, yeah, yeah, I am." "I just got an interview with a member of the Presidential Guard." "Good, most compelling." "I'm sure a former member of the Presidential Guard will have many stories to tell." "No, no, no, a current member." "A current member." "There is no Presidential Guard." "As a condition of the ceasefire, Mr Kubwasana has disbanded them." "What?" "When?" "What ceasefire?" "About 20 minutes ago." "That's why all these journalists are leaving the hotel." "This is the big story now." "Excuse me." "Mr Bradburn..." "Bloody hell." "Harry!" "I need a favour, quickly!" "I need... (WHISPERING)" "Always wear a Johnny." "Good advice that." "(SIGHING)" "Oh, are you sure he won't need it?" "No, he won't." "Go on." "Fill your boots." "Thanks, Harry." "Well?" "No Presidential Guard." "You've lost your story." "Again." "Hang on." "No, no, no, no, I haven't." "He's got nothing to lose now." "I could get him to spill the beans on the discredited regime." "I've got his mobile number." "I've got all his mobile numbers in fact." "I'll see you later." "Who's da hare?" "I'm da hare!" "Okay." "Good." "And Harry..." "If you do finally manage to win the race for once," "I will be waiting at the finish line." "So was Jack right then about the sex?" "Not sure yet." "Actually, actually, yes!" "Yes!" "Obviously a smart fella." "He was married though." "Are you married?" "No." "Hallelujah." "(BANGING ON DOOR)" "Not again!" "JACK:" "Jane!" "Come on, Jane!" "There's been a ceasefire." "It's all over." "Everyone's pulling out!" "For an exclusive insight into the innermost circle of power here, as well as trenchant analysis of Kevin Pieterson's captaincy, 605S 00:28:13,600 -- 00:28:18,071 tune in for my interview with the former member of Kubwasana's Presidential Guard" "on the BBC News Channel tomorrow at 3:11, 3:46, 4:21, 4:46 and 4:48 am." "But the main development is that finally here in Karibu, the two warring sides are actually going to come together face-to-face." "(CLEARING THROAT)" "And in other ways." "The real hope for the future is that both sides are talking and, perhaps, there's a real chance of a lasting engagement." "Oh!" "Do I mean engagement?" "Is that what I mean?" "Ooh, God."