"Look at him." "Sleeping like a baby." "Not a care in the world." "Bless his cotton socks." "He hasn't got any." "You took them away so he wouldn't hang himself." "Still, he must have had quite a tough night." "Even tougher morning." " Wakey, wakey!" " What are you doing?" "(Engines roar)" "(American voices on radio)" "I want answers, Peter." "From you and from him." " From me?" " Peter?" "Is that you?" " What answers can I possibly give you?" " About time!" "Your brother faked his suicide, wasted 18 months of police time, left the country under an assumed name, used said name to appropriate funds and then, when he came back, you conveniently forgot to tell me!" " I knew you'd get me out!" " Never thought I'd say this to you, but I hope you know a good lawyer." "OK, then." "Decent." "Open up." "Peter?" "Are you there?" "Peter?" "Peter?" "Gloria." "Picnic?" "Just you and me." "(Crockery clatters)" "(Jet engines roar)" "(Horn blares)" "Oi!" "I know your number!" "Help!" "Police!" "Fire!" "Ambu... (Booming)" "(Radio traffic)" "Damn it!" "I'm under attack!" "Help!" "OK, copy that." "(Bell tolls)" "Oh, Peter, we're so behind." "I've got Miss Camilla Constantine in your office." "Did you get to see Simon?" "Only through the peephole of a cell." "And?" "He looked small." "Very small." "Oh, Gloria." "There's a wasp." "Get it off me." "Oh, Gloria." "There's a wasp." "Get it off me." " Sorry." " Here." "Here." "(Coughing)" "Ow!" "Ahh!" "Oh, dear!" "I've got something for that." "Now, don't touch it." " Let it soak in." " (Groans)" "Everything's going wrong today." " Is there any news on Simon?" " Ssh!" "Not in here." "(Silence)" " Morning." "ALL:" "Good morning." "It's my boyfriend." "He's... well, he's not returning my calls." "One minute he was there, the next he was gone." "I don't seem to be able to track him down." "I'm a solicitor, not a private detective." "I am aware of that, but I don't know where else to turn." " Well, I'm sorry." " I'm expecting his baby." " Oh." " And I really don't think it's right that he can just run off and leave me." "Well if he has indeed reneged on his parental duties, that's something I'm fast becoming an expert in." " I suppose this scoundrel has a name?" " (Cries)" "Brad..." "Bradley Johnson." "Captain Bradley Johnson, of the United States Air Force." "(Door opens)" " It's war!" " Sidney!" "No, I'm sorry, they're attacking, Mr Kingdom!" "Mr Snell, would you say goodbye to Miss Constantine on your way out?" "Those Yanks have taken a flight path directly over my house!" " They've nearly shaken my teeth out!" " Please!" "Another time, Sidney." "Sorry about that." "He gets a bit excited from time to time." "So you'll help, then?" "Well, when it comes to taking on the entire might of the American Air Force, it would seem that I'm the man for the job." "(Cries)" "Hey." "Now I don't want to sound preachy but have you thought of a pushbike?" "Only the environment's getting very angry at us, and I thought maybe... maybe we could get a tandem." "Sorry." "Maybe the speed camera photos are not just telling you to slow down but to change your mode of transport." "Wasn't me." "Well, it's your motorbike licence number." "Wasn't riding it." " So who was?" " I dunno." "I'll chase it up for you." "See if we can't contest the points and the fine, eh?" "After you." "I was gonna take the little one for a walk." "I wondered if you fancied coming." "I would, obviously." "I've just got so much to do." "Sorry." "Ah, here we are." "Freshly fed, changed and winded." "Seems like I really picked the wrong brother." "Mr Kingdom, I want you to divert those jets." "Oh, really?" "What with?" "Anti-aircraft fire?" "Ground-to-air missiles?" "No, use your lawyer's noggin." "That's your best weapon." "(Buzzing)" " Oh, sorry." "It's all right." "Look, um... the council must have granted them the right to fly over me." " So you've gotta get 'em to..." "(Jet engine roars) ...un-grant the right." " "Un-grant the right"." "That'd make a good protest song, wouldn't it?" "(Hums)" "At this rate, my home will be reduced to rubble." "Then I'll have to find somewhere else to live, and with prices being like they are and all the townies coming in," "I might have to leave Market Shipborough for good." " Really?" " Peter." "That..." "That would be awful, Mr Snell." " We can't have that, can we?" " No." "Thank you." "Peter Kingdom, you're a good man." "A good man?" "I don't know what on earth gave him that idea." " Is that Simon's?" " Yes." "Oof!" "What's he got in it?" "You're starting to worry me, Peter." "I'm starting to worry myself, thanks to Simon." "(Sighs)" " I thought you went to help him?" " Even if I wanted to," "I'm not allowed to represent my own brother." "It contravenes every known legal practice." "It would have been so much easier if he'd stayed dead." "This is bad." "Market Shipborough is a town of gossip and counter-gossip, and some of it sticks for a lifetime." "If word gets round Simon's incarcerated, no-one will want to be represented by us." "Then all I can say is, you'd better find a way out of this." "d (French accent) Money makes ze world go round, ze world..." "Oh." "No, no, no, no." "(Groans)" "Tell him about the money." "Tell him about the money?" "No, he'd never understand." "She's really keen on me." "Honor." "I mean, I can't blame her." "I am a real catch." "Well, so is a squid, but you wouldn't want one pushing a pram for you." "Trouble is, I think I like this biker." "Good Lord, we are covering the full spectrum of our sexuality, aren't we?" "(Seagull cries)" " Not a big fat hairy bloke." "A woman." "With all the... curves and swerves." "Yes - shall we talk about something else?" " What do you want to talk about?" " Anything but your frantic hormones." "OK." "Here's one." "Let's talk about Simon." "Perhaps not that." " The weather?" " Now that's much better." "As in whether or not your brother's gonna ruin us." "Morning, sir." "Name and business?" " Peter Kingdom." "And this is my..." " Lyle Anderson." "Sir." "(Buzzing)" "We're here to see the Base Commander." "It's on me." " It's on me!" " Please stand still, sir!" "I'm asking you to stand still, sir." " Kill it!" " Do not go there, sir!" " East Gate, I need backup." " No." " We have an intruder." "An intruder." " It's a genuine phobia, I assure you." " Down!" "Hands behind your head!" " Steady on!" "There's no need for Ow." "Ow!" " You're under arrest." " Oh, thank you, Lyle." "Let's make it a family affair, shall we?" "Let's get all the Kingdoms locked up." "Ow, ow!" " Oh." "Have I got to share a cell now?" " This is your lawyer." "I have to provide you with one." "And since your brother can't, or won't... meet Mr Arndale, from Arndale and Calloway." "Are you serious?" "Go gentle on him." "He's just come back from a nervous breakdown." "Next time someone challenges you on your business, try giving them a straight answer." "I'm scared of bees." "And what can we do for you?" "Other than darning your hole?" "Ah, well, two things, really." "Firstly, your jets are flying over a client's house." "Someone has to defend your country." "Yes." "From you, it would seem." "Er... but more pressingly, we need to contact Captain Bradley Johnson." " Who?" " One of your pilots." " Bradley Johnson, Captain?" " Never heard of him." "Right, well, thanks... thanks all the same but if it comes to it, I think I'll er... defend myself." "I need a lion, not a mouse." "There is nobody else." " There's Peter!" " Where is he, then?" "Ow!" "Oh, I wish Beatrice were here." "And maybe a bag of explosives." "She'd bust Simon out of jail and then... (Groans) ...hopefully we'd never see him again." "Don't give up." "That's never been your way." ""Cometh the hour, cometh the man."" "Right." "I'll show those Americans." "You can't have jets screaming over houses at seven in the morning." "No." "Not even at 0700 hours." " Can we talk?" " Yeah." "Lyle, what d'you think of me?" "I... think you're great." "Lovely." "And if I was single and unencumbered what would you think of me?" " That you were great." "Lovely." " (Sighs) Damn." "You've got Simon." "It's not quite the comforting thought you might think it to be." "I guess what I'm trying to say is..." "Simon might need you." "And I wouldn't want to complicate things." "(Sighs) Why do you have to be so nice?" " Hello again." " Hello." "Wow!" " Lavender's heavenly at this time of year." " Mmm." "What a spectacular place you have here." "I don't know how to put this, but when I went to the air force base, they told me they don't have a Captain Bradley Johnson." " Sorry?" " They'd never heard of him." "Apparently there is no such flight captain." " He doesn't seem to exist." " But he does." "I've..." "I've met him." "I've had him in my bed, for goodness' sake!" "What is this?" "Perhaps you can tell me a little more about your relationship with this man?" " As in?" " Uh... when did he disappear exactly?" "Practically the moment I told him I was pregnant." "And how long had you been together?" "About three months by then." " Both in love?" " Completely." "At least, I thought he loved me." "And there he is, running away." "One has to wonder why any sane man would flee all this." "It seems barely credible." "I'm not lying to you, Mr Kingdom." "I swear." "And I truly don't want my baby going fatherless." "Brad is as real as you or me, and I want you to find him." "I wouldn't know how to proceed, short of mounting an armed offensive." "Then do that." "Please." "Go in with all guns blazing, if you have to." "So, lesson number one." "What don't we do?" "Run away from bees." "I don't know why we're back here." "They already said he doesn't exist." "I think she's making it all up." "What possible motive would she have for doing that?" "I haven't got all the answers." "You'll have to do some of the work." "Look at that." "Another bloody petrol-head killing the planet." "There goes another polar bear." " What?" " Polar bears." "They swim to where the ice used to be, only to find it's melted, so they drown." "Since when did you become a tree-hugger?" "I want a future that doesn't involve paddling to work in a canoe." "There's your answer." "Fund a kayaking school for polar bears." " Ooh, nice hog." " Thanks." " What?" " It's er... biking vernacular." "Um... that's not Bradley Johnson, by any chance?" "As I live and breathe." " Do I know you?" " No." "Peter Kingdom." "But I think we have a mutual acquaintance," "Camilla Constantine." "Never heard of her." "I rather think you have." "Listen, numb-nuts, I don't know her." " Numb-nuts?" " Take a hike, big guy." " Ha, ha." "You, sir, are beginning to annoy me." "(Engine revs)" "Move or I'll run you over." " I don't think you'd like me angry." " You've seen the Hulk?" "This is the Oxbridge version." " Oh-hh!" " Now just..." "You come back here, right now, this min!" "Stop messing about." "Come on." "Have you counted?" "All present and correct." "d WAGNER:" "Ride Of The Valkyries" "Where's the driving music?" "It is driving-ish." "You're not in a jet plane now." "Oh, no, you're on land." "My land." "(Tyres squeal)" " Clients." " Not now, Lyle." "They're watching us." "(Chuckles) Gotcha." "(Brakes squeal)" "(Police siren)" "Get in there." "Sit down." "Giving chase?" "Yeah, on behalf of my client." "What is going on with you, Peter?" "I mean, at 3:00pm tomorrow your brother's going up before the magistrate to try and make bail." "Out of the following, what do you think his chances are?" "Is it A:" "Slim hope?" "Is it B:" "No hope?" "Or is it C:" "Bob Hope?" "Off the record, I feel really sorry for you." "And on the record?" "I'd get as far away from Simon as I possibly could." "Don't let him take you down with him, mate." "I tried to tell them that you weren't riding the bike, but they need absolute proof in the shape of the person who was." "I'm a courier." "Any more points and I'll lose my job." "This zip goes all the way down." "Get me off, and I'll get you off." "I'm sorry, Simon, but Peter's on business." "I know it's the one call you're allowed." "Such a shame you wasted it." "He does know I'm here, doesn't he?" "He hasn't developed amnesia?" "Or disappeared without a word perhaps?" "Oh, you're back." "Where the hell have you been?" "Oh!" "Were you worried?" " Of course I was bloody worried." " Ah." "Then now you know how I spent every minute of the last 18 months." " So what have you got for me?" " Meaning?" "Well, if I'm to get bail, then I need something concrete." "You mean like a sort of part of a building?" "Don't joke." "You never were the funny one." "Look, basically, if or when I get bail, then I need to know that you can pay it." "Me?" "But that could take tens of thousands." " I already spent L30,000 on your..." " Well, just mortgage the house." "Simon, that's the family house." "Yeah." "I'm family." "Come on." "It's only "concrete"." "Come on, you know you can't say no." "You can always sleep on my floor if it all goes tits up." "Tits up?" "Aunt... please." "I heard one of the nurses saying it." "Rather took my fancy." "So uh... d'you think I'm finished?" "What I think is you should start finding your way out of this." "My hands are tied." "Simon's going down, and he's going to take us with him." "Oh, come on." "This isn't Peter Kingdom talking." "Tits up for the lads." "Yes, on this occasion it's actually "out"." " "Tits out"." " Oh, out?" "Interview begins at 9:14am." "Present are DC Yelland, Simon Kingdom and his solicitor..." "Simon Kingdom." "For the record, they are one and the same." "Morning. "Morning."" "Morning." "Can um... (Clears throat) ...your client tell me exactly why he chose to fake his own suicide?" "After consultation with my client, I've advised him to say nothing." "Isn't that right, Mr Kingdom?" "For the record, Simon Kingdom is nodding in agreement." "Look, are you gonna be like this for the whole interview?" "Yeah." "We are." "(Radio traffic)" "I'd like to know why you told me there's no Captain Bradley Johnson on the base when I've clearly seen the man for myself." "Because there isn't one." " I spoke to him." " No you didn't." "I made enquiries." "You must have spoken to a Corporal Brad Johnson." "Works in the mess hall, he's a kitchen assistant." " He's not a pilot?" " Listen, sonny," "I may not know every name of the 1,000 or so men on this base, but I do know my pilots." "You say Johnson's been impersonating an officer?" "What I'm saying is, he seems to be anything but honest." "In my world, where the truth rises and sets with the sun, dishonesty is a very unwelcome trespasser." "Plus he kicked me in the goolies." " Can we speak to him?" " Not before we do." "He's gone AWOL." " A corporal?" " I'm afraid so." " But he said..." " I know." "He..." "Oh, God." "Well, I can only assume he was trying to live up to what he imagined your expectations were." "Which is a lot of living up to do." "A mountain's worth, if you look at this place." " So I should feel sorry for him?" " Kilimanjaro, in fact." "Yes, thank you, Lyle." " You should feel what you feel." " Or Everest." "The fact is, you've been well and truly hoodwinked." "But why?" "He was telling you the things he thought you wanted to hear." "But he had to scarper, because if you were to get married, say, then he'd have to tell you the truth." "Although he could do the catering at the wedding. (Chuckles)" " How much do they earn?" " Excuse me?" "These mess hall assistants." "Well, I... not much, I should imagine." "I'm just wondering how much I can sue him for." "Oh." "Uh... well, I'll find out for you." "I want every penny he has." "It's the very least my child deserves." "Leave Peter out of this." "Leave all of us out of this." "Get proper representation and stop bleating on about yourself." "From where I'm sitting, there's one option." "I need Peter's help." "I need to talk to him." "You've got to get him to listen to me." "The only talking you need to do now is with your lawyer." "And we both know that's not your brother." "(Engine screams)" "Mr Kingdom, because of them jets, I lost two fillings from my teeth." "There's one up there, see, and one down there." "Shook 'em right out of my head, they did." "I brought them just in case you need them as evidence." "Yeah." "Where is everybody?" "With Simon in jail, what do you expect?" "Well, my father built this business up from nothing, but I..." "I've gone in the opposite direction." "From something to nothing, in one easy step." "(Phone rings)" "Kingdom and Ki..." "Yes, wh?" "Bradley, where are you?" "Hey, big guy." "Over here." "I should call the military police." "You do know that, don't you?" "I need your help, sir." "Oh, it's "sir" now, is it?" "It was "numb-nuts" before." "Well, it's impossible." "I'm acting for Camilla, and you assaulted my junior." "I was in a panic." "They're gonna discharge me." "Send me home." " I want you to fight my case." " What case would that be, exactly?" " I fell in love, sir." " Oh, you really are a tiresome man." "You think you can walk into someone's life, lie through your teeth, get what you want out of them and then abandon them without remorse?" " You should run for President." " Well, what else could I do?" "You've seen her house, how she lives." "She wouldn't want what I really am." "Wouldn't take me for serious husband material, that's for sure." "Go home, Brad, wherever that might be." "And leave this gentle world of ours to wend its honest way." "You are a gold-digger." "You were in danger of being found out." "Yes, I'm sorry if the truth hurts you, but that's all I've got to offer." "I want to be a pilot, sir." "More than anything." "Ever since I can remember." "But I'm colour-blind." "Can't even fly a kite." "I fell in love the moment I saw Cammie, and I knew - anyone would - what sort of man would win her heart." "All I did wrong was try to be what she wanted." "No, Brad." "The only sort of man who could win her heart is an honest one." "What she wants, what all of us want, is nothing more than someone we can trust." "Sounds simple, I know, but for some reason these days it seems to be harder to find than..." "than a book in the Big Brother house." "Good morning." "Hi." "(Childproof cap clicks)" "(Groans)" "OK, I've got a plan." "Now what we need to do is find a friend who's willing to take your points on their licence." " In fact, I'd be willing to..." "(Door opens)" "This is everything we have on Simon." "It's time for you to prove yourself, young man." "Get working." "(Thud)" "Hello?" "(Door opens)" "Hi." "What are you doing here?" "Where else would I go?" " Get out." " We need to talk." "I've been trying to do that for a month." "Well, I'm here now." "What I feel about you is as true as true gets." "But I have to tell you something." "I'm not proud of it, but I'm gonna tell you anyway." "Listen, um..." "Take a seat." "I just need to give myself a moment." " You mean it?" " Absolutely." "Don't move." "(Bleeps)" "Hello." "I have um..." "Captain..." "Corporal Bradley Johnson here." "I believe he went AWOL." "Yes." "Yes, I can keep him here, yes." "OK." "Calm." "Nice and calm." "You sneaky little bugger." "Camilla, I love you." "You're all that I want, I swear." " You're what?" " Leaving." "Moving on." " In my hour of need?" " No." "In mine." "There's nothing here for me, Simon, and chances are you won't be around for a few years." "Ah." "Thanks for reminding me." "Even if you were, you're not the right father for my child." "Did you bring Daniel so I could say goodbye?" "(Sighs) Simon, he barely knows you as it is." "The less contact he has with you, the better." " The magistrate's waiting." " Sorry." "Very good." "Um be safe." "SIDNEY:" "What do we want?" "No more jets flying over my house!" "When do we want it?" "(Coughs) Now!" "What do we want?" "No more jets flying over my house!" "Hello?" "Is er..." "Is Miss Constantine about?" "Aye, she's in her cottage." " Ha, very amusing." " Well, there she is now." "Probably gone to get dinner on for the Theakstons." " The Theakstons?" " She's their housekeeper." "But..." "Is everyone a liar?" "What happened to the truth, plain and simple?" "I didn't lie." "I do live here." "You just assumed this was mine." "Oh." "Well, you may not have lied to me, but you certainly did to poor Brad." "What were you thinking of?" "I'm going to have a child to support." "I'm practically penniless, totally lonely, with nothing going for me." "You try being that." "So you thought you'd bag yourself an American pilot?" "I thought he'd take me away from all this." "I don't know who's worse, you or Brad." "Or maybe it's me." "Maybe I expect too much of people." "I still want you to sue him." "I can't afford to bring up a child on my wages." "Oh, this was all some plan of yours, was it, to get yourself knocked up so he'd be forced to look after you?" "How dare you?" "Anyway, I grew to like him - to love him." "And then what were you going to tell him?" "After you got married?" "What were you going to say about this?" "The truth." "Hm!" "It would have been a bit late." "All I wanted was to be someone, with someone, to look after my own family instead of someone else's." "I can't believe such a simple thing is so hard to find." "It isn't." "It's just that you two made it so." "(Bell tinkles)" "I have to take this through." "Camilla." "We've all been lonely." "We've all imagined that nothing good would ever happen to us." "But it does." "I swear." "Well, good luck believing that." " Honestly." " Goodbye, Mr Kingdom." "(Knock at door)" "How's it going?" "Fine." "All fine, yeah." "I'm counting on you." "We all are." "Don't worry." "I'll think of something." "Hey." "Hey." "Fingers crossed, eh?" "Mr Simon Kingdom." "Due to the not insignificant nature of the charges against you... and because I fear you may well try to flee the country, again, I hereby set your bail at L100,000." "What?" "Are you kidding?" " Can he do that?" " (Mouths) Sorry." "He just did." " Yelland called." "They've set bail." " Oh yes?" "How much?" "100,000." "100... pounds?" "That's unprecedented." "We'll never raise that." "It looks like Simon's going to be on remand for the foreseeable future." "Mind you, a stretch at Her Majesty's pleasure might knock some sense into him." "Why do they say that?" "Pleasure, I mean?" "Do you reckon the Queen sort of smiles every time someone goes down... so to speak?" "Well, that's that, then, isn't it?" "Goodbye Simon." "I thought you wanted it that way." "Of course not." "He's my brother." "I mean, he may be stupid, corrupt, crazy, lazy and selfish, but I love him dearly." "I wouldn't wish..." "I'd never wish for this to happen." "Silly question, but you don't have the money?" "Does anyone?" "(Sighs)" "(Bell tinkles)" "Thought you'd washed your hands of me." "Not quite." "In you get." " Sorry?" " Get in." " I'm waiting for a cab." " I'm tired." "I want an early night with a good book and a fine Scotch." "But I won't be able to rest until I've done this." "Done what?" "I don't want to see Brad." "I think you should let me be the judge of that." "As far as I can see, this is a matter entirely for the US Air Force." "Not my jurisdiction at all." "They intend to send you home and formally discharge you." "I don't care." "Might as well be dead." " I lost everything." " Mm... not quite." "Camilla?" "Come on, tell him." "Come, now." "You've exhausted every other possibility." "There's only the truth left." "It's a good option, I promise you." "Be honest now." "Do you think... our baby will like America?" "There's a place for you at HM Prison Belmarsh, I've been told." " Is that an open prison?" " (Chuckles sarcastically)" "Brian, could I have a minute?" "So you mortgaged the house?" " I knew you'd come through for me." " No, Simon, I didn't." "What do you mean, you didn't?" "I mean I'm not going to raise bail for you." "But I'll go to prison." "Very probably." "So why are you here?" "To gloat?" "No." "I... care for you very deeply but and I wish you well." "But other than that, I have nothing for you." "Peter, Peter." "Listen." "I suppose really I'm just saying goodbye." " No, no, Peter." " At least I'm saying it to your face." " Listen, something's in the bag." " Goodbye, Simon." " Look in the bag!" " Sometimes, one just has to pay the piper." "Peter!" "You can count it if you like." "Bag." "Why the bag?" " Oh, dear." "We are slow." " What?" "I'm cleverer than you." "Sharper, faster, fitter." "About time we called the practice Kingdom and Kingdom and Anderson." "That is tantamount to sacrilege." "I've made bail." "They're processing the payment now." "Let's go and get him." "How?" "Or Kingdom and Anderson?" "Anderson Consulting?" "Shall I drive?" "You marvellous, selfless, silly old duffer." "If there's one person in this world I can rely on, it's you, Peter." "My lovely, lovely brother." "I knew you wouldn't leave me." "Mwah!" "OK, I'm off to the pub to celebrate." "Don't even think about leaving town." "And you, you'd better keep a very close eye on him." "I didn't think he'd do it." "Mortgage the house, I mean." "He didn't." "But he must have." "How else would he get the cash?" "Well, that's a funny one, that." "I was sifting through a few things - one bag in particular - and guess what turned up?" "That's private property." "So is Peter's house, but you were willing to let that go." "So where's the rest?" "It's safe." "From you." "Looks like the drinks are on you, then." "Lyle, you had any luck with that flight path?" "Oh, that?" "Yeah, yeah." "Got 'em to divert." "Once I had words, they soon listened." "Nobody messes with Lyle Anderson." "(Glasses rattle)" "(Jet engine roars)" "Pillock." "(lnsect buzzes)" "Sidney." "Brought you a little something." "(Chuckles)" "Some tea?" "Ah, Mr Kingdom..." "Hello, Mr Kingdom..." "See?" "Now I'm just going to..." "Ooh, good luck." "Hi." "There you go." "I did try and tell you about the bag." "It's clean money, I swear." "It's just... just some savings, you know." "Yes." "Well, I don't know where it came from and part of me doesn't want to know, but I will tell you one thing." "If you ever do anything to me like that again, you'll wish you were dead." " Do I make myself clear?" " Crystal." "Good." "Well..." "Kingdom and Kingdom?"?"