"# Knowing me, knowing you, a-ha" "# There is nothing we can do" "# Knowing me, knowing you, a-ha" "# We just have to face it, this time we're through" "# Knowing me, knowing you #" "A-ha!" "(MUSIC AND APPLAUSE)" "# Knowing me, knowing you #" "(APPLAUSE CONTINUES)" "Welcome." "Welcome to "Knowing Me, Knowing You"" "with me, Alan Partridge, live from BBC Television Centre." "You better believe it." "There's a new chat in town." "(DRUMBEAT)" "Tonight is a JFK kind of a night." "Just as everyone remembers what they were doing when Kennedy was shot in the head," "I like to think that one day people will remember what they were doing when I first said, "A-ha!"" "As tonight's motorcade of chat cruises through celebrity city, let's hope there isn't a sniper waiting to pick off my star guest." "He arrived at Heathrow ten minutes ago and is being whisked to the studio in a black Vauxhall Carlton." "He is none other than 007, James Bond, Roger Moore." "(AUDIENCE) Wooh!" "I hope you like my set." "It's modelled on the lobby of a top international hotel." "And, for the first time ever on a chat show, a beautiful fountain." "But first, up there in their musical mezzanine, let's get to know my resident house band, Glenn Ponder and Chalet!" "# Knowing me, knowing you #" "Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Glenn Ponder." " A-ha." " A-ha." "Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Chalet." "A-ha." " A-ha." " Great to have you aboard." " Great to be here." "We're really..." " Just enjoy the show..." " Sorry?" " Sorry?" "Glenn Ponder..." "Glenn Ponder and Chalet!" "And you." "Have a good time." "(APPLAUSE AND MUSIC)" "Well, it's time to meet my first guest now, after I've done her introduction...now." "Now, Red Rum, Desert Orchid, Black Beauty, Shergar and Mr Ed." "What have they got in common?" "They're all celebrity horses." "My first guest is not a celebrity horse." "She's a celebrity who rides a horse." "Let's see her in action." "(ALAN) G'dee, g'dee, g'dee..." "YesI YesI" "And a..." "Ye..." "YesI" "Take that horse back to the stable and give it a kissI" "There's no finer way to start my series than in the company of world-championship-winning lady showjumping horse legend Sue Lewis!" "(CHALET) # The winner takes it all" "# The winner takes it all" "Got a quick whiff of your perfume there." "That's nice." "Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Sue Lewis." "A-ha." " A-ha." " Right." "Now..." "Horses." "Horses..." "People say a dog is like its owner." "Is a horse like its rider?" "I don't know." "Can you..." "Can you speak up a bit?" " I don't know." " You don't think there's any resemblance?" "You don't think you look like a horse?" " Well, I hope not." " Speak up." " I hope not." " Can we turn the fountain off, please?" "Sorry, Sue." "Thank you." "The idea was to represent a fountain of knowledge, to symbolise the show." "Now..." "Now, Sue..." " It looks lovely." " It is." "Well, it cost two grand." "That's what you'll see throughout the series, lots of money spent on expensive items." "Now, you won the hearts of the British public when last year you trotted off with the world championship." " Yes." " How did that feel?" "Oh..." "Great." "R-Really?" " Really great." " Right." "Yeah." "And..." " And was the horse aware of the excitement?" " Oh, yes." "What..." "Did you give him a treat afterwards?" "Yes." "What?" "Did you go up and tickle his belly?" "No." "Actually, that's a dangerous area." "I'm thinking of that man with the dolphin." "Now..." "Sue, let's move on to the anecdotes." "Do the anecdote." "Do it now." "Well...all it was was that when you transport a horse to an event in a horsebox, you have to do it carefully, and it takes a lot of effort." "The owner, Maxwell Henderson, was driving..." "Just get to the bit about the horsebox." "We were driving up the motorway, and..." "She was driving up the motorway with this man..." "Sorry, I'm doing it for you." "Please." "Right." "We were driving up the motorway, and Maxwell wanted a drink, so we stopped off at Newbury..." "Right." "Can I just interrupt you?" "I've been told that Roger Moore has passed Heston services and should be with us soon." "Sorry, Sue." "Carry on." "Um..." "I've forgotten where I was." " Where was I?" " I've absolutely no idea." " That's not working." "Go on..." " I remember." " All right." "Go back." " Right." "We stopped in Newbury, so that Maxwell could get a cup of tea or something, and I wanted something to read..." " So you bought a book." " And the point is, it was a small bookshop." " They were catering for a mass audience..." " Be quicker." "Right." "So I bought a book, and when I was going back out..." "That's not quick." "She bought a book, and it was called "Killing Horses"." "The driver thought she was some sort of murderess." "It was hilarious." "It was hilarious." " It was the only book..." " That's the end of the story." "OK." "Now, it says here "Hawaii"." "What happened in Hawaii?" "Exotic location." "Give me spice." " I lost my luggage." " Oh, dear." "What happened?" " It turned up in Brasilia." " Disaster!" "What next?" "Well, it was fine." "There was nothing missing." "You see, that's no good." "That's an incident." "It's not an anecdote." "You've got on your press release "anecdotes"." "That's dishonest." "It's no good for a chat show." "Just for future reference, otherwise you waste people's time." " Thanks." " Not to worry." "We've got a surprise for you, in this regular feature of the series called "Up Alan's Sleeve"." "Well, Sue Lewis, this week," "I have for you up my sleeve a horse and a jump." "Bring on the horse and the jump!" "(APPLAUSE)" "We couldn't get your horse." "It's just a horse." " Hello." " Now, isn't he a beauty?" " She." " She..." "Yes, you're absolutely right." "We've got the horse and the jump." "I know I've sprung this on you, but will you rise to the challenge and jump the jump?" "No, I can't." " Should she jump the jump?" " (AUDIENCE) Yes!" " Will you jump the jump?" " No, I really can't." "It's a concrete floor." " A horse has delicate legs." " Can we tape some sponges to its hooves?" "No, it would break the horse's legs." "It really can't be done." " "Please don't break my legs."" " Don't do that." "All right." "Get rid of the horse and the jump." "(INAUDIBLE)" "(TENTATIVE APPLAUSE)" "That's your fault." " She was nervous..." " You really ought to tidy that up." "That could've been spectacular." "We could've had a horse jump, now we've got a lump of dung." " I'm sorry." " Well, I've got nothing else to say." " No more questions?" " No." " Have you got any?" " Have you ever ridden a horse?" "Yes, I have." "I went pony-trekking..." "when I was a schoolboy in Cornwall." "Gosh." "It's like one of your stories, that!" "Ladies and gentlemen, Sue Lewis." "(APPLAUSE)" "Fame!" "I'm gonna live for ever." "F..." "Stay there, Sue." "Fame!" "I'm gonna learn how to fly." "Of course I'm not." "But in..." "But in a sense, my next guest did." "Two years ago, he was presenting "The Loony Breakfast Show" on Radio Leeds." "Now he's topped the ratings as the new host of "This Is Your Life"." "He's a trouper." "I think he's super." "Please welcome super trouper Keith Hunt!" "Where is he?" "(CHALET) # The Super Trouper lights are gonna find me" "# Shining like the sun" "# Smiling, having fun" "# Feeling like a number one #" "Oh, dear!" "Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Keith Hunt." "A-ha." " A-ha." "Am I right?" " (AUDIENCE) You're not wrong!" "I don't believe it!" "You've got a catchphrase on already." "I like to slip it in early, if you know what I mean." " You all right, Sue?" " You're not wrong." "She's a barrel of laughs." " Pity it's empty." "Am I right?" " (AUDIENCE) You're not wrong!" " I'm only joking." " You really are not wrong." "Um..." "Now, Keith. "This Is Your Life", that show is a British institution." "You've taken it and you've revolutionised it." "You now do it as a surprise party from the celebrity's home." "Original idea." "Where did you get it?" " America." " Great." " Sue, you were on it recently." " Yes." " Was that fun?" " It was interesting." "We'll see for ourselves soon, but it certainly sounds like fun." "Let's see the clip." "("THIS IS YOUR LIFE" THEME)" "Shh!" "She's coming." "Hold your horses!" "It's Sue Lewis!" " Am I right?" " You're not wrong!" " Where's me book?" " Hello!" " He's big, he's red, he's a book." " (BOTH) He's Big Red Bookie!" "Hey up, Sue." "This is your life!" "(APPLAUSE)" "Oh, dear!" "Sue..." "Sue, how was that?" "Well, it was fun." "I felt that..." "Rubbish!" "Crass!" "Putrefying cack!" "Drivel!" "That's what Melvyn Bragg said about your show." "Why?" "Because he's frightened of me." "Oh, yeah." "I deliver four times as many viewers as him." "He knows that if I presented "The South Bank Show", which I may do, I quite like art, then Melvyn Bragg would be stacking shelves in Tesco's first thing Monday morning." " Am I right?" " (EVERYONE) You're not wrong!" "He shouldn't criticise." "It's a British institution, as English as fish and chips." " Bangers and mash." " The Tower of London." " Sue, want to mention something British?" " Um..." "Crufts?" "But, you know, I would dearly love my show to be a British institution." "Well, you've got to change your theme tune, then." "Abba?" "Swedish." "Yeah..." "Well, that's a Swedish institution." "You can't get more Swedish." " As Swedish as er..." "Ikea." " Volvo." "Sue, do you want to mention Swedish?" "The vegetable swede." "Yeah." "Well, yeah." "I mean..." "The Swedish don't have a bad life when you think about it." "They get up, have a bowl of swede, hop in the Volvo, whack on some Abba and zip over to Ikea." "I mean, that's my Sunday." "Apart from the swede." "Now, Keith..." "I have Kellogg's Common Sense." "Now, Keith, what's the secret of your success?" " I'm an ordinary bloke." " Right." "Am I an ordinary bloke?" " Dead ordinary." " Good." "Good?" "Good." "Every Saturday, I go to the footy with me kid." "I go down the pub with me mates." "First thing I do when I fly up to Leeds." "I'm the same." "I can often be found propping up the bar at the Pheasant Brasserie." "Sunday lunch." "Roast beef, Yorkshire pud, cup o' tea." "Magic." "I'm the same." "Down the Harvester, Sunday platter, glass of wine." "Cheers." "We're ordinary." "Ordinary, ordinary." "But..." "The big "but"... you do extraordinary things," " because I have Keith's local paper here..." " Hey, what's going on?" " ..which has a little story..." " No, no." "Don't embarrass me." " I'm not here to talk about meself..." " Come on." "Shh!" "It's a story about Keith." "Do you want to tell it?" " All right." " Listen to this." "The headmaster of the local school knocks on me door last week." "He says, "Keith, we're having a raffle to raise money for a minibus." "Will you host it?"" "I said, "How much does this minibus cost?"" "He says, "18 grand." I said..." "Sorry." "If I could just stop you there." "I've just been told that Roger Moore is at Chiswick Roundabout." "He should be with us very soon." "Stay tuned." "Keith." "He said, "18 grand."" "I said, "Here's 20." "Buy the kids a minibus and take 'em to Alton Towers."" " What a nice man." " You've got to put a bit back." " And it's tax-deductible." " Yeah." "I'm thinking along the same lines." "I'm thinking of Alan Partridge's Espace for the elderly." " Go for it." " Well, I will." "Now, Keith, you like surprises." "You..." "By the way, thanks for bringing that paper in." "And..." "And... (APPLAUSE)" "Well done." "You like surprises, and we have now got a surprise for you, because it's time once again to go "Up Alan's Sleeve"." "Earlier, I had a horse up my sleeve, and a jump, for Sue." ""Well," people are asking, "what's up your other sleeve?"" " Well, I've got a child up my sleeve." " What's going on?" "It's a child you know very well." " He's here tonight, your own son, Sam Hunt!" " I don't believe this." "(APPLAUSE)" "Now, Keith..." "Keith..." " All right, Sam?" " All right, Sam?" "Sam is your only son from your marriage, which was dissolved." "Because of custody laws, you can only see him once a fortnight, so you're not allowed contact tonight, but I can speak to him." "So you wait here while I go and talk to Sam Hunt." "(APPLAUSE)" " Hello, you little terror." " Hi, Sam." "It's Dad." "I believe, Keith, you've got something very special to say to Sam today." "Looking forward to next weekend, Sam." "We'll have a fun day out at the footy." "No, isn't there something else you want to say?" "See your dad on the telly last week?" "No." "Sam, do you want to tell your daddy?" " It's my birthday." " It's your son's birthday!" " Yes!" "Happy birthday, Sam." " What have you got for him?" "No, Keith." "Stay there!" "You know the law!" "There you go." "Your daddy's got you ten pounds." "But don't despair, because we've got you a present." "We've got you an Alan Partridge tie and blazer badge combination pack." "There we go." "You take that." "And not only that, we've got him an all-expenses-paid trip to Disneyland with Mummy and her partner this weekend." "No, no, no!" "No, no, no!" "I've got custody this weekend." "She knows that." " It's arranged." " I've got custody." " She knows it!" " Let's ask Sam." "Where are you going?" " Disneyland." " Of course you are, you little terror!" "Ladies and gentlemen, Sam Hunt." "That way!" "That way!" "(CHALET) # Happy birthday to you" "# Happy birthday to you" "# Happy birthday, dear Sammy" "# Happy birthday to you #" "Great." "Marvellous." "Funny feeling that backfired a bit." "You should have checked it out with me first." "I didn't realise you'd forget your son's birthday." "Leave it." "Oh, dear." "I've blown my chances of being on "This Is Your Life"." "Oh, no." "We couldn't have you on the show." "We only have celebrities." "(AUDIENCE) Ooh!" " Sue, have you got any children?" " No, I haven't." "I have." "Fernando, he's at Cambridge, and Denise." "Yes, Denise's birthday is on 27th May, and Fernando's is on 6th June, so quite close together." "We usually have a big family bash." "All the family together." "Solid as a rock." " Do horses have birthdays?" " Yes, they do." " Do you get them presents?" " Sometimes." "Really?" "Even horses?" "Even horses." "He looks like a lovely boy." "How old is he?" " Five." " Six." "Six today." "Am I right?" "I'm not wrong." "You do realise you're the only person who still thinks Roger Moore's going to turn up?" " He'll be here." " Where is he now?" "Chiswick Roundabout." " From there to TV Centre in ten minutes?" " Yes." " How?" "By magic carpet?" " If need be." "Ladies and gentlemen, Keith Hunt." "(APPLAUSE)" "Now..." "Could..." "Could someone clear that shit away, please?" "It's just that I can see..." "It's in my picture." "People may associate it with me." "I don't..." "Time for my next guests." "If music be the food of love, play on." "That's what William Shakespeare said." "I'm not William Shakespeare, but I say pretty much the same thing." "If music be the food of love, let's eat it." "Here with her new single "Monday Morning"..." "I know the feeling... please welcome Shona McGough." "(APPLAUSE)" "# Monday morning at quarter to eight" "# She gives her husband his cornflakes, he mustn't be late" "# She vacuums the carpets, makes everything clean" "# Everything clean # What would she do without Mr Sheen?" "# She takes a shotgun from under the stairs" "# And stands in the hallway" "# Screaming her pra-a-a-ayers!" "(HOWL OF FEEDBACK)" "# The gasman comes to read the meter" "# He writes down the reading, scratching his head" "# It's quarter to four and now the gasman's..." "# Dead!" "# Bloodbath!" "# Bloodbath!" "# The postman arrives, she says, "Hello, Ray"" "# And smiles politely as she blows him away" "# Bloodbath!" "# Bloodbath!" "# She's stalking the streets" "# Her brain's on fire" "# She guns down 20 in Visionhire" "# Bloodbath!" "Bloodbath!" "# Her hubby comes home" "# And he gives her a kiss" "# She put the gun in his mouth and says" "# "Suck on this!"" "# Bloodbath!" "Bloodbath!" "# Bloodbath!" "Bloodbath!" "# Blood!" "Blood!" "# Bloodbath!" "Bloodbath!" "Bloodbath!" "# Bloodbath!" "Bloodbath!" "Bloodbath!" "# Oooooow!" "# Suck on this!" "#" "(APPLAUSE)" "No, no, no, no." "No." "No." "No." "Ladies..." "Ladies and gentlemen, I must apologise." "I had no idea of the full content of that song." "If any young people are watching, let me say this." "Whilst it's all well and good for a rock band to sing about it, murder, domestic or street-bound genocide, is illegal in this country." " What was that?" " It was a song." "But it started off so well." "You whipped the skirt off, very like Bucks Fizz." "And then..." "Do you mind standing here as you were told?" "Please." "Come back." "Well..." "Shona McGough's single is in the shops if you want to annoy your neighbours." "Um..." "Yes, right." "I've just been told Roger Moore is at Chiswick Roundabout, so he's..." "What's he still doing there?" "He shouldn't be there." "I'll fill in with chat with Shona McGough." "She's beaten me to it." "Oh, dear." "Um..." "I..." "I need a chair, unfortunately." "Don't do that, please." "Sue." "Sue Lewis." "Sorry, I need your chair." "Come on." "(BAND BOOS)" "Just sit round there." "Well, if you've just tuned in, you're watching "Knowing me, Knowing You"." "It's not quite what we planned." "It's a bit crazy, but what the heck?" "Say what you like, but you can't say it's not interesting." "Please don't say that." "Don't do that." "Get off." "Stop it!" "Please." "Um..." "This is interesting." "A lady drummer." "Close your eyes, could've been a man." " Very good." " Thanks a lot." " I really fancy you, you know?" " What?" " I think you're really sexy." " Really?" "No." "Shona, put those pears back, please." "I'd rather you didn't mess with those pears." "Please." "Really." "Honestly, I really would rather..." "Oh, what the heck?" "Rock and roll!" "Let's all have a pear!" "All right, a question I've always wanted to ask a Scottish woman." "What's under a Scotsman's kilt?" " His penis." " Oh, for God's..." "I know what you think." "You all think I'm a big square." "Let me tell you, I've seen it all before." "I've inhaled hashish." "I've worn tall shoes." "I've had an afro haircut." "I went on all-weekend binges to see Wings." "I'll tell you something else." "Chris de Burgh and the Eagles could eat you for breakfast." " You're quiet." " Just enjoying the show, mate." "Let's move on the next section of the show, "An Audience With Roger Moore"." "To help me with that, I'm going to invite Shona, Sue and Keith, not the band, to join me in the Roger Moore room for "An Audience With Roger Moore"." "(BOND-STYLE MUSIC AND APPLAUSE)" "Here we are in the Roger Moore room." "The idea was that Roger could come in here and sit where Sue's sitting and chat about all these things." "I'm surrounded by memorabilia from Roger's glittering career in films and television." "There's a little James Bond car." "The man flies out." "That's nice." "There's a golden gun." "That's from "The Man With The Golden Gun"." "The gold ingot there from the film "Gold", in which he co-starred with Susannah York." "There's a "Saint" annual there." "I was going to get Roger to read aloud from that with his lovely warm, brown voice." "Jog my memory." "In which film does it feature three ducks on the wall?" "Ah." "They are not ducks, they are wild geese, from the film "The Wild Geese" with Roger Moore playing the cigar-chomping mercenary." " Oh, yes." " Sorry?" " Oh, yes." " Oh, yes." "Yes." "Right." "This was the show opening." "This was going to be marvellous." "There we go." "Curtains, curtains." "Roger Moore!" "Roger Moore, the quintessential English gentleman." "Who's not here." "Now, I was going to start..." "Roger would have loved this." "I was going to do this." "This is fantastic..." "A-ha!" "Mr Bond!" "I've been expecting you." "Which I had." "Would have been fantastic." " What's that?" " That's a nipple." "Now..." " What?" " A nipple." "From "The Man With The Golden Gun"." "It's a third nipple." "Scaramanga had three nipples." " That's a gold finger." " Sean Connery was "Goldfinger"." "Well done." "That was a trick object." "Well done." "Sean Connery was a better Bond, anyway." "Well, interesting you take that position, the Scottish position." "In the whole Roger versus Sean debate that's been raging for 20 years," "I have to say I'm firmly in the Roger camp." "I believe no one could wear a safari suit with the same degree of casuality." "It's a shambles!" "You're putting a brave face on it, but he's not here." " You tell the viewers..." " Keith Hunt, let me stop you..." "Let me stop you in your tracks." "You can eat your hat now, because I can confirm Roger Moore is on the show right now." " Where is he?" " Live by telephone link-up from the car on a mobile phone." "Hello, Roger." "Hello, Roger." " (CRACKLY) Hello, Alan." " Oh, joy!" "Roger Moore!" "Oh!" "Um..." "Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Roger Moore." "A-ha." "Roger?" "No?" "Listen, I'm going to cut straight to a key question." "A hypothetical fist fight takes place between Simon Templar, the Saint, and Roger Moore, James Bond, 007." " Who wins?" " (RADIO STATIC)" "Any thoughts on that, Roger?" "Roger?" "Roger?" "Roger!" "Roger!" "Does the word "Titanic" mean anything to you?" "Oh, yeah." "People go on..." "Let me tell you something about the Titanic." "People forget that on the Titanic's maiden voyage there were over 1,000 miles of uneventful cruising before it hit the iceberg." " Anyway, we had him on the show." " That doesn't count!" "Face it, mate, he's Roger the Dodger." " Am I right?" " (AUDIENCE) You're not wrong!" "All right." "Point taken." "We can still rescue it." "Let's turn the situation around." "Let's call this "Right To Reply"." "If you've got criticisms, let me hear them." "Criticisms?" "A horse takes a dump on your show!" "No manners, but what a critic." "You know..." " You get a jump." "She won't jump it." " No, I really couldn't do it." " You were right, love." " You get us on." "You've never heard of us." "You slag us off." "We're vegetarians." "We get ham sandwiches." "You get me own kid on." "That is well out of order." "When the Director General of the BBC..." "Up yours!" "Up yours!" "(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)" " You can't say that." " Kiss my arse!" "And on that bombshell, it's time for me to say knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Scotch lady...woman, knowing you, the Hunt, and knowing you, Mrs Mouse." "And I've..." "I've just been told" "Roger Moore has just checked into Claridge's and ordered room service." "A-ha!" "# Knowing me, knowing you #"