"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome." "I'm Cary Grant." "Now, I know what you're thinking:" ""But he's been dead for 20-odd years."" "Actually, longer." "I first died when I made The Pride and the Passion in '59." "But as long as there are people who remember us who laugh and cry at the ghostly impressions we've left behind then we're alive." "I read that once." "Then I ate the fortune cookie." "But seriously you good people just keep looking up to us movie stars and we'll keep looking after you." "Now, that'll be Alim." "I look after him." "Lucky Alim." "He's happy." "He's successful." "In love." "And frankly, that's all because of me." "Here's my little samosa now." "Bubbles?" "The living room will be there." "And the bedroom over there." "What about a fireplace?" "I love fireplaces." "Then we'll put one in every room." "You know, we really ought to go on holiday." "Let's go to Bermuda." "Stay for a while, then cruise around the Greek islands." "It's the only way to see the Greek islands:" "Slowly, by boat." "They're like fine paintings." "You mustn't rush up to them." "Time to get back." "Set photographer, please." "Do think about that holiday." "Can I have the set photographer, please?" "I'm here." "Clear for rehearsal." "Looks like Niagara Falls." "Only in flowers." "It's only the engagement party." "Wait till you see the wedding." "First-class only." "Must have cost a fortune." "What does it matter?" "Khaled is minting money." "Do you know, he actually buys ice now." "Oh, make sure you wipe these glasses, hey?" "No spots." "If it didn't look so tacky, I'd do it all myself." "Khaled, not the red tie." "It'll clash with the food, hey, beta?" "Wear the blue." "When Alim gets engaged, all this will be yours." "Oh, Nuru." "Well, maybe not all this." "Nuru, your grey is poking through." "You haven't coloured your hair?" "For whom?" "It's your day, Dolly." "Nobody will be looking at me." " Hey." " Hey, babe." " I didn't have time to get home." " You look great." "He wants me to be best man." "Now, as you know, I've never been to Canada, never met your family or been to a Muslim wedding." "Now, how could I meet these three goals all at once?" "Come on." "You were just talking about a holiday." "Toronto is not a holiday destination, Giles." "Try the prawn one next, huh?" "Three different kinds of pulao." "You can always come back for more." "Oh, don't they make a gorgeous couple." " "The course of true love..."" " Gathers no moss." "Sheru." "Giles!" "Hello." "Happy anniversary." "Hello." "Come on." "Hey." " Surprise!" " Surprise!" " Delia." " Are you surprised?" " You look surprised." " Absolutely." "Hello, Mum." "You do like surprise parties, don't you?" "Sure." "I just wish I'd known." "Sheru." "Oh, is this your little Dilshad?" "Oh, what a cute little bunny." "Oh, Nuru, look how big she's become." " Dilshad wants another samosa." " Does she?" "You will be playing with your own grandchildren soon." "Khaled wants two boys and two girls." "And Nuru's Alim will also make her a grandmother soon." " From your lips to Allah's ear." " Did I mention that Alim is courting?" " Lovely young woman." "Surgeon..." " A surgeon?" " Like Khaled's girl, no?" " Nina's a dentist." " Yes." "A dentist." " Dolly." "Dolly." "Pardon me." "Come." "The cake-cutting is beginning." "Shame Alim's girl's not here." "She could lend a knife." " Alim has a girl?" " He'll come to the wedding, won't he?" "He's coming now?" "Of course he's coming to his cousin-brother's wedding." " From what I was told..." " Wait until you see the cake." "So lovely, isn't it, Dolly?" "Filled with nuts and fruit and cream." "Well, it's very rich." "And expensive." "I'll only have a bite." "Sweets go directly from my mouth to my hips." "Like your husband, no?" "Come, come." "Pardon me." "Excuse me." "Coming through." " You all right?" " Yeah." "Just a bit smoky." "So you invited exes?" "Giles doesn't have any actual friends, only exes." "Hope it's okay." "Of course, it's fine." "I can't believe you did this." " I know." "Oh, yes, and Mum helped." " I bought the invitations." "Had nothing to do with choosing the location." "Mum, it's where they met." "Well, happy anniversary, Alim." "Well, I do wish I'd known." "I'd have gone home and changed." "You missed a spot." "Yeah." "Now we can rest." "No, not yet." "There's too much to do." "Get up." "There's nothing left to do." "We've done everything." "Came from Mombasa without a cent." "Worked hard, raised our son." "Took all their shit." "Enough classical music, okay?" "Yeah." "Remember?" "No, Hassan, I..." "Finally, after everything they put us through, it's over." "We have money in the bank, our son's getting married." "Oh, our son, the dentist, is getting married, hey?" "Nothing can touch us now." "We've won." "Won?" "What have we won, eh?" "We've won." "Everything." "Listen to him." "Did you hear that, Nuru? "Won."" "Nuru?" "Nuru Jahan?" "So tell me, what exactly are we celebrating?" "It's our anniversary, Dad." "Well, yes, but anniversary of what?" "What your father is asking is, is it the anniversary of the day you met or the day you moved in together, or what?" "What." "I'm going to get a drink." "What?" "Isn't that how you say it?" "What are you doing?" " Resting." " I thought you wanted a drink." "How about a mimosa for my little samosa." "This is The Ramrod, not the Rainbow Room." "Yes, and on that note, you and Giles really need to come up with another location for your first meeting." "Can you imagine?" "Giles' mother at The Ramrod." "Imagine my mom here." "Yeah, well, your mother's different." "She's Muslim." "From the Third World." "She wouldn't understand." "I'm Muslim." "I'm from the Third World." "But you're a sophisticated, elegant young man." "Looking marvellous, by the way." "Let's undo this button." "Only the truly stylish can manage rumpled elegance." "Go on." "Show them." "What?" "Oh, dear." "Nuru, what is it?" "It's okay." "She's crying tears of joy." "She's overcome with happiness." "Is that right, Nuru?" "Are you crying tears of joy?" "Are you overcome with happiness?" "I want..." "I want three kinds of pulao." "Look what that boy's driven her to." "A poor, lonely widow, sobbing into a duck." "Swan." "This is a swan." "All that "finding himself" nonsense." "In England." "Nuru, did you find yourself in England?" "They don't even take showers." "In the bathtub in your own filth." "What will you find?" " It's time for the boy to come home." " Enough." "No, Dolly, it's not enough." "Nuru Alim's been slipping away since he was born." "As a baby, he learned "bye-bye" before he learned "hello." Remember?" "Khaled, go inside." "Your auntie's not well." "Auntie, if you want to go to London to see Alim I can buy you a ticket, any time." " Tonight, if you want." " Khaled, please." "No, Dolly." "It's my turn to win now." "Time for me to win." "The first time I saw him, he was dancing to this song." "You're very lucky." "You know what's the matter with you, Giles?" "What?" "Nothing." "Absolutely nothing." "Oh, babe." "He and his fiancée both adore me." "They love it when I come and visit." "She worships me." "Even though my son puts my every happiness above hers." " Are you going to eat that?" " No." "Gay." "Gay." "Sex." "Sex." "Gay." "Over there." "There's no reason to worry." "Everything is under control." "So this is what under control looks like." "Gay." "Gay." "Gay." "Perk Up Your Pecs." "Gay." "What about Giles' clothes?" "In the guest room." "Then Giles brings them back here." "Oh, Alim, you're still a child." "We pretend the guest room is Giles' room." "He kindly moves out to make room for Nuru." "Presto." "You two get to sleep together." "Gay." "Gay." " Maybe I should just tell her." " No, no." "Big mistake." "Think of Charade." "I had to pretend to be Peter, Adam and Alex before I could reveal I was Brian and get the girl." "It's just..." "This is not fair to Giles." "Giles will do anything for you." "Move mountains." "He adores you." "Alim." "He's not seeing other men anymore." "All that stopped, just as I said it would." "Your mother doesn't deserve to be told." "She hasn't earned it." " She abandoned you." " That was a long time ago." "Yes, well, not for my money." "Right." "Gay." "Gay." "This has to go." "I can't believe we're doing this." "She'll leave in a few days." "Look, why don't I spend some time with her." "I'll take her out sightseeing." "Maybe while you're on set, I could take a day off." "Let her get to know me." " Absolutely not." " She's been here before." " Secretarial college or something." " Leaving you all alone, a little child." "She hated London." "Welcome, Ma." "Hello, beta." "So what do you think?" "You don't own the whole house." "No." "Just the first-floor flat." "The house that Khaled bought Dolly Auntie and Hassan Uncle has bushes shaped like animals." "A duck, a swan and a deer." " I should have worn something else." " I think we look swell." "Sorry?" "Hello." "Ma, this is Giles, my roommate." " How do you do?" " It is a pleasure to meet you." "It was all so confusing." "Then I couldn't find the chauffeur you sent." " You sent a chauffeur?" " How did these people rule the world?" "No one would help me with my bags." "These English people can be so rude and unhelpful." "I'm sorry, she's..." "No, no, she's got an edge." "I like her." "And she's so beautiful." "Yeah." "You don't have a picture of the Aga Khan?" " He likes her." " Yes, well, your people do have a fondness for the brassy broads, don't they?" "Would you like some more cake?" "Alim says you have a real sweet tooth." "Actually, I'm on a diet." " Why?" "You look great." " I don't." " I think you do." " No." "I don't." "It's the shoes." "They're new." "I have to go." " I'll put your things in Giles' room, Ma." " No, no." "It's too much." " Giles doesn't mind." " Really, it's not a problem." "And it'll be fun bunking with Alim." "No." "No, I'll take your room." "It's one thing to bother family, but a stranger..." " I like being bothered." " And Giles' room has a single bed." " It's too small for both of us." " So you'll sleep on the sofa." "It's time for me to take my pills." "For my heart." "I have that meeting." "Oh, you work." "Of course he works." "Giles is an economist." " As long as it pays the rent." " He works for UNICEF." "My nephew is a dentist." "My brother-in-law has three dry-cleaning shops." "It was delightful to meet you, Nuru." "Give me a hand with the luggage before you go?" "Absolutely." "It's all coming back to me." "You're in here now." "How about I cook something tonight." "We thought we'd do something." " What do you do?" " Alim's a great cook." "His coconut chicken is fantastic." "You want coconut chicken?" "I'll make you coconut chicken." "I'll let the two of you fight it out." "Bye, sweet..." "By sweet mother of God, look how clear your cornea is." "Nice bit of improv." "The boy's got reflexes." " Is something wrong with his eye?" " No, it's all cleared up now." "Better go, Giles." "Getting late." "Ma, I have a fully stocked and equipped kitchen." " I do." " You have coconut?" " Yes." " Fresh coconut?" "No." "But there's an Indian supermarket nearby." "I'll need a nap first." "I'm not a machine." "That one." "That's the one." "Yeah." " They really look like they're in love." " Oh, not just in love, but in-love-like-in-the-movies in love." "Look, Joanie Fontaine in Suspicion has it." "See?" "That look." "What?" "Thank you." " For what?" " Everything." "My life." "What would I have done without you?" "Are you looking at photos or watching the television?" "You shouldn't waste energy, beta." "Who invited her?" "When you refused Khaled, I thought, "This boy needs a refresher course in manners from his mother."" " I have a busy life, Ma." " Too busy for family?" "Nothing is more important than family." "They'll be there for you when nobody else will." "It's just I'm on this big film and..." " Oh, yes, you're very important." " It's a £20 million film." "I'm only teasing, Alim." "I know you're busy." "Laughter is the best medicine, beta." "Then I guess I must be in the placebo group." "You remember my friend Zera?" "Her daughter Mumtaz is all grown up now..." " Oh, no." " Oh, it's true, she's not a great beauty." "But she has a heart as big as a pig." "And she's in computers." "No, Ma." "No." "You think you're too good for her." "You and your placebo group." "All this pretence." "I'm too old for all of this." "You say "pretence" like it's a bad thing." "Personally, I think this truth business is overrated." " Don't be ridiculous." " Sorry?" "The mangoes are fabulous." "From Pakistan." "The best." "Tell me, where are you from?" " Linnell Road, just around..." " No, no." "Originally." " Actually, I grew up in Canada." " No." "Originally." "Where were you born, son?" " What difference...?" " Mombasa." "Kenya." " I'm from Malindi." " Yeah, I know your people." "That nose can only belong to one family." "Giles, sorry I'm late." "Look who I ran into." " Hi." " Hello." "I'm sorry, do we?" "It's Alisdair Keith." "From school." "You remember." "He looks exactly the same, only bigger muscles." "Well, I'm devastated." "I remember you." "Alisdair's a swimmer." "He was at the Olympics." "Finished third in the 400." "Or fourth in the 300 or something." "Then..." "Then he won a gold medal." " Really?" " In the relay." "I always perform better with other guys." "So shall I get us some coffees?" " Lattes?" " Great." "You and your mango-pickle sandwiches." "Beta, if you moved home, I'd make you mango-pickle all the time." "So why don't you." "He thought something." "He left his bloody number." "So I was flirting." "He's a sexy guy." "And I'm a living, breathing, active sexual being." "You nicked all the good genes." "But I love Alim." "I know you do." "I love him so much I'm in the closet." "Oh, look, birds of paradise." "Alim adores them." "Get these." "Flowers are for Nuru." "You could also come work for Hassan Uncle." "I'm an assistant manager now at the Don Mills branch." "Oh, I tell you, the world of fabric care is a rich, complex world." "I'm a photographer, Ma." " In Toronto, you could have a home." " I have a home." "Well, it's an apartment." "And you have to share." "How will you attract a nice girl when you're living with a lodger?" " You're certain I won't be intruding?" " Thank you." "Of course not." "Dee, you're gonna love her." "Well, if she's anything like Alim." "I won't mince words, Alim." "Neither of us is getting any younger." "You're right." "Ma, you're absolutely right." " I'm a grown-up." " Alim." "And I'm not with Giles because of the money." " You do it because you want to." " Yes." "I understand." " You do?" " You do?" "It can be lonely when you're all alone." " I, of all people, understand this." " Let's quit while we're ahead." "Ma, I didn't explain right." "I am not all alone." " I'm in a relationship." " Hello." "Nuru." "I'd like you to meet my sister." " This is Delia." " Hello." "Hello, hello." "So nice." "She loves curry." "I was wondering if she could join us." "What do you mean, you're in a relationship?" "You told her." "Everyone knows but me?" "Less congratulation, more information." "I'm only the mother." "Alim..." "We were concerned about how you'd handle it." "Handle it?" "Who could this frightening creature be I can't handle?" "Well, the creature's not frightening." "It's just..." "Delia." "We're engaged." " Giles, you just said dinner." " No." "No, you're not engaged." " Yes, Ma, I am." " You can't be." " Why?" " Because she's not..." " What?" " She's not:" "Is she?" "She's not:" "Oh, Muslim." "She's not male either." "You're right, Ma." "She's not." "And you know what?" "Neither am I." "No, I'm not." "I'm not gonna pretend." "It was very nice meeting you both." "I hope we meet again one day when there isn't a knife plunged into my heart." "I just mean I don't believe in God." "Oh, good." "The knife has company." "I'll be leaving in the morning." "Fabulous exit." "Do my feelings matter in any of this?" "Not-so-fabulous exit." " I am so sorry to drag you into this." " Oh, it's all right." "My fiancé's a gay man." "I'm not." "Just another special moment that makes my life mine." "Come on." "Cheer up." "It was a bit messy, but we got there in the end." " He wanted me to come out to her." " And you did." "About being a heathen." "In the end, it's what's best for you and Giles." "My, she was yare." "The True Love?" " Where did you...?" " I found her in one of the boxes." "Remember the fun we had building her?" "And sailing her." "So easy to handle." "Quick to the helm." "Fast." "Bright." "And you were a good little sailor." "Once you got over your seasickness." " I was just a little kid." " You were a great little kid." "Katie did her own stunts in The Philadelphia Story, didn't she?" "Why, it's a model of the True Love." " What?" " A boat he designed and built." "Sailed it down the coast of Maine and back the summer we were married." " My, she was yare." " My, she was yare." " Yare?" "What does that mean?" " It means  easy to handle, quick to the helm, fast, bright." "All right, look, I need numbers." "Is it you?" "Is it you and Alim?" "Or is it you and Alim and this brain surgeon?" "I didn't say she was a brain surgeon." "It's all a little unsure right now." "Honestly." "The eggs are fantastic." "That's nice." "I made them for Alim, but never mind." "There's loads left over." "That's right." "My son will eat leftovers." "He likes cornflakes anyway." "Yes, and custard powder and Bisto gravy." "First you, then Delia." "Now Battenberg cake." "Nuru, look." "I'd really like it if we could be friends." "I have my friends." "All the positions have been filled." "If there's a vacancy, I'll be sure to get in touch." "Thank you very much for applying." "Never heard that before?" "Not part of your culture, is it, Mr. Egg-stealer?" "I'm sorry, I assumed the eggs were for everybody." "You people always do." "Eggs, India, Africa, Middle East." "What's going on?" " What are you doing?" " I'm yachting." "On my yacht." "Out late last night?" "We single, unengaged fellows like to do that." " You were up late too, Alim." " Where'd you go?" "Out for a drink with a friend of Delia's." "Alisdair Keith." "You know, the swimmer?" "That movie you watched last night." "You shouldn't watch such rubbish." "It's not rubbish." "The Philadelphia Story is a classic." " I don't know." "The poor mother..." " You've seen The Philadelphia Story?" "Those trousers are a bit tight, aren't they?" "The pants are fine." "The trousers are not fine." "I can read your credit card number." "I'll wear what I want." " It's my life." " Yes." "But I gave it to you." "And if you want to give me grandchildren to play with, then..." "Ma, you're not gonna have grandchildren." " Why not?" " Because I'm..." "You're leaving my house, remember?" "You won't be here with your grandchildren." " What now?" " Oh, nothing." "Don't mind me." "Go forth." "Breed." "Breed a dynasty." "I thought he'd never leave." "Now, beta, I've been thinking, and I've decided I'll stay." "Tell your Delia to come for dinner." "You want Delia...?" "If she's to be my daughter-in-law, we have to bond." "Bond?" "After all, she can always convert." "She's not a surgeon, is she?" "Oh, never mind." "First, let her come for dinner." "I made your favourite." "Eat." "Ma, why would Delia come to dinner after yesterday?" "If she cannot handle a bit of drama, she won't fit into our family, will she?" " Does Giles have to be here?" " He lives here." "Can't he go somewhere?" "I find him too familiar." "After all, he's a total stranger." "Strangers should be more strange." "He's not a stranger, Ma." "And Delia isn't my fiancée." "I have no intention of getting married or having kids or moving to Toronto." "I lied to get you off my back." "Because you just won't ever let up." "I see." "This is how you talk to your mother." "Excuse me, please." "Oh, I forgot." "Your horrible mother made you mango-pickle sandwiches." "For your lunch." "I don't see why we couldn't have Delia as your fiancée." " Such fun." " You said Ma would go." "Well, she's not." "I had to do something." "And you did." "You told the truth." "Documentary approach." "Interesting strategy." "Need to be a little careful with it, but you used it well." "Are you all right?" "My life is just a soiled, tattered tissue tossed into the toilet of life." "What will I do now?" "You could write poetry." "Please." "Don't bother." "I don't need your charity." "Wait." "I'm..." "I'm sorry, I..." "Why don't we start again." "Let me take you around London." "I have a light day." "No, I've seen it all." "That was years ago." "Nothing's the same." "Come on." "You deserve a little fun." "I carried him for the nine hottest months in the history of Kenya." "Practically broke my back." "Only 19 years old, my breasts already like mangoes at the end of stockings." "Now he doesn't want his mother." "Tell me, what was in it for me?" "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean..." "You'll love it." "Really." "By the way, you're glowing." "So lovely." "I'm rather relieved he's not marrying this Delia person." " She's your sister, I'm sorry." "I didn't..." " It's all right." "I really did like her." "A little thin." "Nice green eyes." "That complexion like milk that touch of pink." "What do you call that, peaches and milk?" " Peaches and cream." " Cream." "Right, yeah." "Anyway, I'm lactose intolerant." "Alim's not." "I always wanted a suit like that." "I think we should go in and try it on." " No, no, no." " Yes." "Today is your day." "Come on." "Let's pretend." "You look lovely." "Come along." "The city is yours." "Thank you." "The suit looks great." "Doris Day wore a suit just like this in That Touch of Mink." "When I first came to London, I tried to make one just like it." "I looked like a clown." " Such a junglee I was." " I think it looks lovely on you now." "Although I think it's more Audrey Hepburn than Doris Day." "If only you'd said that 23 years ago." "Well, I was 7." "I don't think I knew who Audrey Hepburn was." "Of course not." "No, Giles." "Alim wouldn't want his mother drinking like this." "But on the other hand if no one told him..." "Back from lunch in half an hour, please." "You know, when I make pickle sandwiches the insides always seep out when I eat them." "My fingers smell like pickle for the whole day." "Well, if you must eat pickle..." "But when she makes them, everything somehow stays in place." " Yes." " I've never thanked her for them." "Come on." "We don't have much time." "Shall we?" "Can Nuru do this?" " No." "I've forgotten how to dance." " I know how." "Men like you always know." "You come built that way." "Actually, Alim's the one who taught me properly." "Alim?" "Come on." "Alim taught you this?" "Who taught Alim?" "Good evening." "Could I have a champagne cocktail?" "What?" "Prepare." "The mummy returns." "Hello." "You two were out together?" "Do you get FM with that hairdo?" " We did a little sightseeing." " I used to love that film." "You know this movie?" "A person of the world is allowed to see An Affair to Remember." "They've been out whooping it up, the two of them." "You're drunk?" " She's drunk, Giles." " I am not drunk." "Water." "Giles, thank you." " It was a lovely day." " It was my pleasure." "Oh, please." "Well, well." "Rock and Doris together again." "Cary and Doris." "Come on." "Dance with me." "They've been dancing." "You went dancing too?" "Get up." "Oh, dear." "Seems we've made contact with your inner child." "You haven't made contact with my inner anything lately." "And that's my fault?" "I'm not middle-aged woman enough for you." "You are bonkers." "She likes me." "I like her." "It's..." "It's good for us." "This is not the relationship I signed up for." "Good night, Nuru." "Good night." "I want my life back." "I'm gonna tell her about Giles and me." "Alim, we've discussed this." "You've got to be careful with truth." "It can rise up and bite you on the..." "Nuru!" "Where are you off to?" "For a dip with a friend." "See that you don't get too muscular." "He's going swimming." "He never stops." " At this time!" " I heard." " I'll wait till you're done." " No, I'm done." " I'm not." " You should go swimming with Giles." " I go to the gym." " What do you do at the gym?" "I pump iron." "You don't even pump your own petrol." "Please don't leave me with her." " What's that?" " I wanna show you something." "You see that spot on the wall there?" "Well, this photograph used to hang there." "And we took it down before you came." "And you know why?" "Something you didn't want me to see?" " That's right." " Something for boys only." " I wanna show it to you anyway." " No need." "Boys will be boys." "I understand." "I really want to." "It's not anything racy, is it?" "No whips or midgets or that MM's business." "It's a photo of Giles." "Oh, my." "It certainly is." "And I took it." "I see." "What to do?" "Not enough air pushing through the windmills of her mind." "I've ordered a cab." "Alim, they're..." "They're evil." "Cabs?" "Those movies you watch." "They've led you down the wrong path." "You don't know what you're talking about." "Don't I?" "They're made for the goras, not for us." "What's going on?" "I hope you had a good laugh at my expense." "I'm sorry?" "Alim, where's she going?" " I can't believe you did that." " Nice swim?" "I can't believe you hit her over the head with it." " You wanted me to tell her." " Yeah, but not like that." "You should have let me talk to her." "We were getting along really well." "She thought you were straight." " It's not that simple." " I'm afraid it is." "She's a Muslim woman from the Third World." " She's what?" " You forget that she's not like me." " You have to shift your expectations." " So, what you're really saying is that she's just an ignorant Paki?" "I wouldn't have put it quite like that." "No, I think you would've if you could." "But she's your mother." "And if she's just a Paki, then what does that make you?" "Rise and shine." "It's almost noon." "Leave me alone." "Oh, for heaven's sake, how much longer are you going to pout?" "Giles will come around." "He'll never leave you." "He's taken his clothes." "He's taken his bathing costume." "He's gone." " And she's gone." " Oh, well, that's what we wanted." "And to think, the truth got rid of her." " What do I know?" " Yeah." "What do you know?" "I'm alone." "And I don't know why." "Oh, Alim, you're not alone." "I'm here." "I've always been here." "I'm always going to be here." "Know what I think?" "We need a holiday." "Yes." "Bermuda." "Or the Greek islands." "You'll see." "I have just three words for the pheasant samosa:" "Fa-bu-lous." "Nuru." "Come here." "Come here." "Please, have a taste." "It is like ambrosia." "Nuru." "Pheasant samosas." "Nobody's had pheasant samosas." " Sherubai did, at her daughter's..." " That was chicken." "It's not too late to upgrade." "Mind you, pheasant is more expensive." "Expense is not a problem." "My son is minting money." "Excuse me, exactly how expensive?" "Explain it to me as if I'm an imbecile." "Well, I'll try and stretch my imagination." "If you'll follow me, please." "So embarrassing." "Come on, I'm going to show you where the mukhi will do the ceremony." "Nuru, you'll ruin your figure." "I'm just excited." "I nibble when I'm excited." "Oh, yes, excited, happy, sad, swimming, breathing." "Honestly." "Come on, let's go." "I don't consider Toronto a holiday destination." "So are you visiting or heading back home?" "I'm going back home." "But I'm visiting." "So you're from Toronto originally." "Kenya." "Well, my ancestors are from India." "Well, I..." "I grew up in Canada, but..." "Are you going to eat that?" "Do you have any idea what sweatpants say to the world?" "They say, "I'm not trying anymore."" "And they would be correct." "What happened to you in England?" "Nothing." "It was fine, I told you." "There's no surgeon, is there?" "An economist." "For UNICEF." "Well, I suppose it pays the rent." " Hello." " Thank you." "The Chocolate of the Month Club made another delivery." " I put it in your apartment." " Thanks." "Why does this man have your keys?" "No, no." "I'm the janitor." "Who gets the present at Eid every year." "I've never given you an Eid present." "Yes." "So when is Alim going to tie the knot with this UNICEF woman?" "I tell you, I'm ready to organize another wedding." "Why don't I make Rice Krispie squares." "We just ate." " Not Rice Krispie squares." " Nuru, I'm full." "He should marry soon, hey?" "Look at that." "Nuru Jahan?" "What's the matter?" "You're not telling me something." "She didn't tell you what a wonderful time we had?" "Alimoo!" " You've come for the wedding, then?" " Yeah." "I knew you were hiding something." "So it was a good trip, then?" "Look at you." "You are still my cute little bunny." "So where is she?" " She?" " Mumtaz, your fiancée." "Mumtaz, my fiancée." "She couldn't come." "She was busy working." "At UNICEF." "I'm glad I came." "Yes, me too." "I love Toronto." "Did time always drag here like this?" "Can you believe it?" "She still keeps plastic on the furniture." "Keeps the evil fresh." " Alim, your bed is made." " Now you'll have to lie in it." "Thanks." " I hope this isn't inconvenient." " This is your home." "Khaled is having his stud night later." "He'd like you to come." "Stag night." "Alim, why did you come home?" "Well after you left Giles left." "And he said these things to me..." "I'm sorry." "No, you're not." "Come to the ceremonies tonight." "If you don't, there will be questions and I will have to make up stories." "You're here." "Let's try and make the best of it." "It would mean so much to everyone." "That's your uncle." "He's a leaner." "Hold your horses, Alimoo." "This party isn't for us men." "Uncle, I wanna see." "This one is from Chakra Shani Jewellers." "No, I'm keeping that for later." "And this one's come all the way from Char Nachna." "And the diamonds and the emeralds are from South Africa." "Now, that's a rock that would have impressed even Mae West." "Good children never really leave home, do they?" "I was just telling that to my class." "I give workshops on family relations." "You should come, beti." "It's a flower-arranging class." "Don't listen." "They think it's a flower-arranging class." " Nice." " Yeah." "It's very nice." "After this, we go back to do pithi and mendhi." "What?" " You've not been to a wedding?" " Not an Ismaili wedding." "Wait." "Wait." "That's not true." "You were at my wedding." "Just a year-old cutie." "Projectile-vomiting all over the place for five days." "Five days?" " Is Khaled's wedding gonna...?" " No." "This is a different country." "We're sensible here." "Just three days." "No, no, not that one." "Dolly made it." "Have a laddu from the shop." " I remember your parents' wedding." " Thank you." "It rained and rained, but nobody cared." "I was best man to your father." "He was a good man, Alim." "Simple and kind." "Couldn't help smiling that big, silly smile of his." "Such a long time ago." "What's this?" "What have I said?" "Me and my big mouth." "No, it's..." "It's nothing." "I just miss him." "But it's so stupid." "I mean, I didn't know him." " How could I miss him?" " Of course you knew him." "You were his little samosa." "I miss him too, beta." "But, look, I have his son now all grown up, keeping me company." "I've missed you." "I'm glad you came, Alim." "We rub this into his skin." " What's in it?" " Better not to ask." "It's for good luck." "To make the groom all fragrant on his wedding day." "Alim, why are you standing there with your bag?" "It's my camera bag." "I thought, as a present, I'd..." "But..." "Here we go, here we go." "Okay, Alim, now you." " I'll be doing it to you soon." " No, no, no, take more." " Use both hands." "Really get him dirty." " I'll put my bag away first." "Nuru, your turn." "Come." "Come." "Quite the shindig." "Like the champagne party before the wedding in The Philadelphia Story but with saris." " What, not taking photographs?" " No." "You miss everything when you take pictures." "Pretty swanky joint." "For Toronto." "Khaled bought it for them." "Just because you haven't bought your mother a house..." "I know." "It's very clear that everyone is proud of you." "You just imagine these things sometimes." "You might want to adjust the collar of that shirt." "Only the most elegant young men..." "Nice mirror." "Yes." "Are you having a nice time?" "Yeah." "Good." "I'm glad." "You beckoned?" "Date from hell." "Complete waste of makeup." "You wanted to start shagging around again, and now you're doing it." "There's no need to slag off Alim." "I forgot that you fancied Alisdair." "It's got nothing to do with that." "You know, I can't blame you." "He's physically amazing." "You know, those thighs, that..." "That ass." "Yes." "He's a statue in bloody Lycra." "No, he's amazing, you know." "It's not just physically." "He knows who he is." "And Alim doesn't?" "No more brown-on-the-outside, white-on-the-inside coconuts in my life." "Oh, for God's sake." "What does that make you, then?" "A yoghurt-covered raisin?" "Hey." "It's my stag later." " Why don't you come along." " Thanks, but I'm really tired." "Jet lag." "Khaled you're happy, aren't you?" "Sure." " Why?" " I'm doing what's expected of me." "What I expect of myself." "Well, I'll see you tomorrow, Mr. Married Guy." " It's been a long time." " Yeah." "Too long." "Don't forget to say goodbye to my mom and dad." "You're a good Ismaili boy, now." "This is what we do." " This stuff good for you?" " Sure." "And it's got a little toy." "Want something that's gonna give me some energy." "Alisdair's coming round later." "It is later." "No, he's still on his date." " Honestly?" " Yes." "It's all very casual, very loose." " And loose is good?" " It feels good." "What's the harm in that?" "It's you." "Where does she keep the booze?" "I don't think she has any." " Where is she?" " Oh, they're at the house." "Still cleaning up." "It's like an orgy of cleaning over there." "Shouldn't you be asleep?" "Today's the big day." "Yeah." "And after that..." "And after that, it becomes adultery." "Won't that be exciting." " You never used to fight me before." " You weren't getting married before." "Just because I bought a cow doesn't mean I like milk." "What a sensitive analogy to holy matrimony." "Look, we were kids." "We fooled around." "But let's move on." "Everyone's always down on you, Alim." "Bitching about you." "Not me, though." "I stick up for you." "See how I stick up for you?" "Oh, Alim." "Okay, okay." "Let's start again." "How about a kiss." "What would it take to get a little kiss?" "Chloroform." "I'm in love with someone else." "Yeah, I heard about the brain surgeon." "No." "His name is Giles." "You're in love with a guy?" "You don't love men, Alim." "Fuck them, by all means, but..." "Hey, he's just in it for the squirt." "I bet he doesn't love you." "I love him." "It's just not normal." "Hey, if you're normal, count me out." "Look at you." "A closet drunk, closet queer." "Name a closet, you're hanging there." "Don't play high and mighty with me." "Anyone can run away and play gay in limey-town." "Yeah, who can even tell who's a fag over there?" "You ever think about your mother?" "Are you thinking about Nina with your fly undone like that?" " Auntie." "We were just..." " I know what you were doing." "Auntie, it's not what you were imagining." "I'm not imagining, I'm seeing." "I'm not..." "I have a fiancée, remember?" "Your mother has a baby grand piano." "She can't play a note either." "Good one." "Well, I better be going." "You know what's the matter with you?" "What?" "Your upper abs." "We should do some crunches later." "Tighten them right up." "I'm sorry." " You didn't do anything wrong." " No." "No." "I'm sorry you had to see that." " It must have been a shock." " Yes." "I'm not completely backwards." "I know about men with men." "I subscribe to Reader's Digest." " Khaled is just..." " No." "Not Khaled." "I didn't know about you and Giles." "I didn't know that you had such feelings for him." "Really, I had no idea." "No idea at all." "Here's the beep, you know what to do." "Hi." "It's me." "Remember how you said  you'd never been to Canada or met my family or?" "Well, whatever." "I was just wondering  whether you wanted to come to Canada." "You know, for the wedding?" "What's the matter?" " Couldn't get ahold of him." " Who?" "Giles." "Probably out buying you a little "I'm sorry" present." "I thought we might enjoy Gunga Din together." "Set in India, you know." "Has Indians in it." "Your kind of Indians, not the John Wayne kind." "How about it?" "This is..." "For a nice little elephant girl." "This is lovely, lovely, lovely." "See that elephant?" "The worst breath." "Even worse than Irene Dunne." "I'm going to iron my sari for the wedding." "You're still going to go?" "For Dolly and Hassan's sake." "If you have anything that needs ironing..." " I didn't bring a suit." " Maybe your father's suit would fit you." " But you're busy." " No, no." "This isn't important." "Good." "Come." "I used to love that film." "I took you to see all the Cary Grant films, do you remember?" "Cary Grant, Doris Day." "The Naz Cinema in Mombasa." "They used to play all of them." "Years after they were made." "We didn't know." "I so wanted to be like the girls in those films." "I went to London because of them." "You went to take a secretarial course so you could support us." "I went to London to be Doris Day." "Your father passed away in his sleep." "I woke one morning and I knew, without looking." "Everything had become so still." "Everything in me became still." "Even my feelings for my little boy." "For weeks, I just..." "I felt nothing." "Then, one afternoon, I went to a film." "Suddenly there was a way out." "Suddenly I could be Doris Day, flying off to a new life in London." "Trouble is, London wasn't interested in any Indian Doris Days." "Then or now." "I wish it was different." "But it wasn't." "That little accusing face..." "When I came back, you wouldn't talk to me or anyone." "You'd laugh and play with your invisible friend." "But nothing for me." "Just that little accusing face with your father's hurt chin." "We'll catch the morning flight to London." " Hello?" " Hi, it's me." " I got your message." " Oh, yeah?" "I just thought, you know..." "I was very pleased to get your message." " Yeah?" " Seems like you're enjoying Toronto." "I'm glad." "I'm really happy you've made peace with that part of your life." "Hello?" "Just because you order extra-hot at Flaming Tandoori does not make you anything other than a sanctimonious, toffee-nosed, lily-assed tosser." "Oh, it's the oldest story in the book." "Boy meets boy." "Boy loses boy and goes to Toronto." "Boy gets back together with boy in London for a happy ending." " Well, maybe not the oldest story." " Stop it!" "There's not gonna be a happy ending." "And there's nothing you or I can do about it." "Today's the big day." " Yes, but the taxi hasn't arrived yet." " I'll go and call one." "Really?" "Thanks." "So kind." "You're Alim?" "You're very lucky to have a mother like her." "She's quite the woman." "If you don't mind my saying so." "It all looks perfect." " Hello." " Hello, Dolly." "What?" "What?" "What is it?" "Don't I look all right?" "What's the matter?" "Nothing's the matter." " Is there?" " Of course not." "What could be the matter?" "Today's my big day." "Is something smudged?" "Will you tell me?" "Don't I look all right?" "Auntie, you look fine." "Maybe just a bit tense?" "This is not tense." "I'm just terribly, terribly alert." "Oh, here's Khaled." "The mukhi should be here soon." "I'll go and see him." " Dolly..." " Excuse me." "Do you think I should say something?" "What?" "What is it?" "Excuse me." "Actually, Dolly, there is something I want to talk to you about." "Now, which one is she?" " Who?" " Alim's girl." "The lucky so-and-so got himself a neuro-brain surgeon." "He brought her, didn't he?" "He wanted to, but..." "Actually, there's a funny story about that." " Why are you dressed like that?" " Well, I wasn't really sure." "It's an Indian wedding, so I thought..." " You thought what?" " Well, India!" "And she dropped the scalpel inside the rabbi's tummy." "Oh, that's not funny." "That's a malpractice suit." "And what's this tummy business?" "I thought she was a brain surgeon." "Excuse me." "I have a dry throat." "I guess I need some punch." "Excuse me." "I can see why you wanted to come." "It's like Oscar night out there." "No, more like the spoils of a maharajah." " Gunga Din?" " Yes." "How about an elephant ride across the Rajasthani Desert." "Just stop it, Cary." "Nuru?" " It's warm in here, isn't it?" " It's all right, Nuru." "I know." " Know what?" " About Alim." "Our room used to be next to Khaled's and your boy's got quite a set of lungs." " Oh, my God!" " Exactly." "Just like that." " You let them?" " I've always given Khaled his freedom." "He's given me all this." "I don't see how you can go ahead with the nuptials." " What do you mean?" " Nuptials." "That means..." "I know what nuptials means, my son's a dentist." " What about Nina?" " She's marrying my son, the dentist." "Look, I want grandchildren and ice sculptures and place cards." "And so do you, Nuru." "Don't pretend." "But if Khaled can do his duty, there's no reason why Alim can't." "A happy ending justifies everything, Alim." "I always do whatever it takes to make you happy." "You don't understand what makes me happy." "Of course I do." "It's you who've forgotten." "Alim." "Alim!" " Yes?" " Is this the Lalani wedding?" "Yes." "Waiters go in the back." "You're very late." "Go change in the toilet, quickly." "Our secret." "I cannot be a witness to this wedding." " I'll slip out." "Nobody will notice." " Everybody will notice!" "Nuru, you're not going anywhere." "Now, don't play the perfect mother with me." "You left your son and we picked up the pieces." "We will always pick up the pieces." "We are family." "Rolex says 38 minutes." "And that caterer is scary with numbers." "I'm not..." "Hassan must be drunk." "I knew we should've had a cash bar." "Has there been a hockey match?" "Has Canada won?" "Uncle, this is Giles." "Oh, he's a friend, then?" "Yeah." "I hope it's all right." "Of course." "We have pheasant samosas coming out of our ears." "Hassan." "Very good party." "Hello." "It's good to see you." "I'm sorry, I know." "Your family." "I cannot believe my eyes." "Can't you stop them?" "Think I'll get a Coke." "Excuse me." "Why is Alim kissing that man?" "And what will his fiancée, the surgeon, think?" "Alim may be a lucky so-and-so, but he shouldn't push his luck." "Not a surgeon, Sheru, an economist." "But Nina's still a dentist." "An economist for UNICEF." "It's not a she, it's a he." "His name is Giles." "And this is him." "Hello." "And Giles also is a lucky so-and-so." "Oh, God." "How about we make some mango-pickle sandwiches when we get home." "Cary remember in The Bishop's Wife you told David Niven an angel only leaves when he's not needed anymore?" " Yes." "It was a brilliant plot device, because it was Loretta Young who..." "Oh, but, Alim, you do need me." "You can't get along without me." "I made you what you are today." "I made you." "You can't go now." "You're my sister." "Nuru, please." "Think what everyone will say if you leave now." "How does it look?" "It looks beautiful, Dolly." "Just like you wanted." "But the flowers will brown and the ice sculptures will melt." "And then what?" "What, you think real life is easy?" "Is pleasant?" "Well, I've got news for you." "It's terrifying." "Terrible things happen." "Loss and pain and shame." "Terrible things." "Loss and pain and shame." "I know." "I remember." "But what if you make a mess of things?" " What if...?" " I will." "But it's my only life, Cary." "And I need it to be mine." "Well, this is all a bit..." "I don't know how I'll survive without you, Alim." "I envy you." "Live every moment of it." "Live it for me." "No more tears." "Be happy, my little samosa." "Be happy." "Now, Giles, this is your place too." "Make yourself at home completely." " Clean my kitchen if you want." " Thank you." "Ma, that's an expression that doesn't hold up outside our family." " Really?" "Alim said there was something wrong with the toilet." "No, it's working all right." "I must have got it wrong." "All this drama at the wedding." "Alim told me." "As Mr. George Bernard Shaw once said..." "Or was it Mr. Gulbinder Shah in apartment 1412?" "I can never remember." "They're both so witty." ""For the mismatched, marriage is a three-ring circus." "The engagement ring, the wedding ring and the suffering."" "Well, I'll just go finish the sandwiches." " Let me help you." " No, no." "Not necessary." "I'm a very good cook." "My dumplings are legendary." "Well, all right." "You butter while I pickle." "Hey." "Come on." "Giles, there's something we should talk about." "Yes." "There's been another man." "I know." "You know?" "Of course I know." "I was there." "Yeah, I guess you were." "Look, if it's okay with you, I'd just like to put it behind us and move on." " Fresh start." " That would be great." "Let's just forget about it, all right?" "Well, not forget completely." "He's been useful to us." "And it was fun sometimes." " Yeah." " And he was so handsome." "You never met him." "But you did see him on the telly." "At the Olympics." "Him." " Yeah." " Alim are we on the same wavelength?" "We are now."