"Tom, what are you doing here?" "(MUFFLED)" "Come on, lad." "That'll do." "You don't understand." "Come on, into the car." "But..." "EXPLOSION BOOMS Come on." "Thomas Hicks, you have been found guilty of cowardice in the face of the enemy." "The sentence is death by shooting." "The firing party will be found from your own regiment." "Lieutenant Hammond, take him away." "SUSPENSE-BUILDING ORCHESTRAL MUSIC" "RAIN PELTS" "DISTANT THUNDER ROLLS" "Take aim." "Fire!" "GUNFIRE ECHOES" "(GASPS)" "BIRDSONG" "BRASS BAND PLAYS Left." "Left, right, left." "Left." "Left." "Left, right, left." "Left, right, left, right..." "Royal Midsomers...halt!" "BRASS BAND STOPS Parade... right turn!" "Stand at ease!" "Stand easy." "(CLEARS THROAT) I would now like to call upon my father," "Corporal Lionel Hicks, to unveil the new name on our war memorial." "That of his father, my grandfather, Private Tommy Hicks of the Royal Midsomer Yeomanry." "Father." "Thank you." "There you go, Dad." "And so, after 90 years, a great wrong is righted." "And the twin blemishes of cowardice and desertion are wiped from the pages of the Hicks' family history." "(MUMBLES ANGRILY)" "Here we go." "(CLEARS THROAT)" "The courage and honour of Tommy Hicks is now recognised despite the efforts of certain ELEMENTS in our community." "(CACKLES)" "(LAUGHS)" "I know what you want." "(LAUGHS) Do the bloody salute!" "Parade..." "Parade arms!" "Slope..." "ARMS." "One round of volley fire - take AIM." "Fire!" "ODD CRACKS AND POPS" "Royal Midsomers - slope ARMS!" "Crack regiment, this." "Shush." "Parade, right..." "TURN!" "Parade, fall..." "OUT!" "Left..." "Farce!" "Absolute bloody farce!" "Yes, Henry." "Come along, girls." "(GROANS LOWLY) Watch the car." "What about my wheelchair?" "Forget it." "No way." "It will scratch." "Get your girlfriend to push you home." "SAD ORCHESTRAL MUSIC" "Thanks, son." "I'm glad I fought the war for you." "Any time." "SAD ORCHESTRAL MUSIC CONTINUES" "RAIN PELTS HEAVILY" "DOOR BANGS SHUT" "You going, sir?" "No, I am not." "Chief's the one with the pretty uniform." "He can go between the Hicks and the Hammonds." "90 years they've been at each other's throats." "Yeah." "And they are truly AWFUL families." "The Hammonds are all huff and puff military Wallers." "And the Hicks, gosh, just a bunch of spooks." "So even his Worship the Mayor?" "Especially his Worship the Mayor." "It's his company put up my bloody roof." "Maybe this pardon thing will put an end to the feud." "It's not likely." "Feuding's an Olympic sport round here." "RAIN PELTS Tomorrow is our big day." "So it will be much appreciated if we..." "YOU could be authentic as possible." "So we don't want to see any iPod-leanings of the regulations." "Lanyards." "And no brollies either." "Capes only." "What's for dinner?" "Oh, I can't think." "What would you reckon?" "God!" "I'm gonna kill that man." "Don't touch the electrics!" "Corporal Ryan, did you have your public-address system set up for my commentary?" "They'll hear you loud and clear, Johnny." "Sir or..." "Captain when we're on parade, please?" "I hear you loud and clear, sir." "Or Captain." "(MEN SNIGGER)" "Jolly good." "Lawrence Of Arabia rides again." "(MEN LAUGH)" "Parade." "Parade...'SHUN!" "You're all a bloody disgrace!" "I've never seen such a shambles." "Silly old fart." "Put that man on a charge, Johnny." "Put him on a charge!" "Father, I can't do that." "This is not the real army, this is our hobby." "(SPUTTERS) A hobby?" "A HOBBY?" "Is that what this family is coming to?" "So the army's a hobby?" "You're all pathetic." "The fletching isn't overlapping, and these...new slates sit..." "SLATE BREAKS Cracks!" "The man's a complete bloody cowboy." "Guarantee?" "Yeah." "Expired a month ago." "Will the insurance cover it?" "Like hell it will." "They're all crooks as well." "Come on." "Look at them." "Jarvis Hammond - Blenheim, Malplaquet." "(GRUNTS) Good God." "Sebastian Hammond " "Rorke's Drift." "Dougie Hammond - the Somme." "(STAMMERS) And me - over there." "Wherever those Midsomers were, the Hammonds were there to lead them." "So, what were YOU doing?" "You didn't HAVE to come." "(VICIOUSLY) Course I did." "Regimental occasion." "My personal feelings don't come into it." "To encourage the others." "That's why Dougie had to shoot that Hicks boy." "Mm." "Eh, Bella?" "Bella!" "Ah?" "Yes." "Sh-shall we have supper now?" "Oh." "I-I'll go and find the girls." "Father, tomorrow..." "Forget it." "Please?" "For the sake of the family, our name in the village." "I'm off to the pub." "(SIGHS)" "BIRDSONG PEACEFUL PIANO AND VIOLINS PLAYS" "Martin!" "How much do you love Chateau Hicks then?" "Very nice." "Very...you." "Couldn't have done it without your legal nous." "Hah." "No." "So...what you got cooking then?" "DOOR CLOSES" "When my father retired he passed on various documents from old clients." "Most notably, the Hammonds." "And?" "Well, THIS may be of interest to you." "I always look after them, they look after me." "Oh, not in a village pub!" "Well, I'm not cooking here." "All the local loons come out of the woodwork so they jibber at me." "Couldn't you do a salad?" "Midsomer Parva, The Woodman." "Get your clogs on. (SIGHS)" "(CLEARS NOSTRILS)" "Dave Hicks, man of property." "Tell it to the Hammonds." "We're as good as them now." "In your dreams." "You're still rubbish, you always will be." "What have I done now?" "What?" "Which one of the local slappers you having a ding-dong with this time?" "Give me a break, Jude." "Well, your golf sweater stinks of Chanel No.5." "Look, I'm the Mayor of Corsten, for God's sake." "People watch my every move." "I can no more be having an affair than flying to the bleedin' moon." "Why won't the local women look me in the eye then?" "Probably cos of the way you dress." "I beg your pardon?" "(SIGHS) You could try and fit in a bit more." "I..." "HATE..." "living here." "I'm a Corsten woman, a townie." "I don't want to be part of your social climbing crap." "So, how did the council give permission for their ghastly house in the first place?" "Hicks probably bribed them." "Their whole family should be put down." "Please!" "Terrible people." "Always were." "It's been going on for 90 years now." "Maybe we could all move on." "Why?" "Because." "Because." "And, by the way, Dad, I must have some more money." "Delivery costs have gone ballistic." "Not a chance." "Trustees have made some very BORING investments - all capital, no income." "How long are those bastards going to rule our lives?" "Until your grandfather, your mother and I are all dead and the trust wraps up." "You'll both be very comfortable." "Meanwhile you could always get a job, like your sister." "Blah, blah, blah..." "See?" "It's 30 acres of solid gold." "It's agricultural." "I mean, look at the zoning." "You always were the dumb one, weren't you?" "Dad." "I'm the Mayor!" "Head of planning." ""Change Of Use Order?" "Certainly, Mr Mayor."" "30 acres, solid gold." "Right." "That's cool." "THAT is REALLY cool." "Nice one, Dad." "CASSETTE TAPE REWINDS" "Ms Hammond." "Mr Hicks." "So...how's it going?" "It's going how it's going." "I mean, when will it be finished?" "It's a work of art, not a military objective." "Please?" "Artists." "(LAUGHS) No order, no discipline." "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "We represent everything you abhor." "Now, shut up and get on the bed." "SOFT CHATTER" "(LAUGHS)" "So the Hicks have come full circle, from yobs to knobs in 100 years." "(LAUGHS)" "And don't they love you for it?" "(CACKLES)" "Do you want a drink, George?" "No." "I've got the milk round later." "You still doing that?" "Oh, aye." "Set your clock by me." "Hammond Hill here." "The lane goes right past the hall." "Easy-peasey." "Oh, come on!" "It's for Lionel, my old mate there." "Yo!" "Lionel!" "Yo, Mickey." "(LAUGHS)" "Hah!" "They've lacquered these horse brasses, instead of polishing them." "About 50 years ago." "They've got crumbed scampi." "Oh, goodie." "MEN LAUGH What'll it be then?" "Nothing for George, shandy for me, and the same for my 'ho'." "(LAUGHS) (CACKLES)" "Will you people keep the noise down?" "!" "Are you talking to me, General?" "No." "I'm talking to that Hicks creature." "Oh, my gawd." "Do you know what was wrong with the execution of your father?" "Not tonight, General." "Dougie should have shot him before he had a chance to breed." "You leave him alone." "Then we wouldn't have this long line of Hicks living in Parva in that bloody awful red-brick monstrosity." "I'm not fighting tonight." "No, of course you're not, cos you're like your father - a coward." "Come on, Biddy." "Go on, you little weasel." "(ELECTRIC WHEELCHAIR WHIRS)" "(MEN LAUGH) That's it." "Come on." "That's it!" "(CACKLES) (LAUGHS)" "(OTHERS CHEER) Oooohhhh..." "Go on!" "Get back in there." "Go on." "Prr-rump-tah!" "Charge!" "(OTHERS YELL ENCOURAGEMENT)" "METAL RATTLES" "(LAUGHS)" "GLASS BREAKS" "YELLING AND LAUGHING" "OI!" "OI!" "OI!" "(YELLING) Stop it!" "Stop it!" "Stop it!" "All right." "You stop it, both of you." "Stop it there." "Stop it now!" "Put that down." "Lionel, give ME that!" "What is the matter with you two?" "Has evolution passed you by?" "What was that ceremony about yesterday, hey?" "Was that drawing a line under all this flaming business or not?" "Eh?" "Oh, you're right." "What you say, Henry - kiss and make up?" "Over my dead body." "OW!" "I've got to finish my meal." "If you lot want to kill each other, will you PLEASE do it quietly?" "(CRACKS UP)" "Don't you worry." "On parade, Corporal." "(SQUEALS) Get off." "Get... (LAUGHS) Stop it." "Oh." "God, I hate you." "Mm." "Just behave, will you?" "!" "(SIGHS)" "Hm!" "What would our families think?" "A common Hicks falling for a posh Hammond." "There'll be dead generals spinning in their graves all over the world." "Hm!" "We'll have to tell them soon." "You know..." "Here, sit here." "Sophie... ..will you marry me?" "If... you pass the physical." "(SIGHS EXAGGERATEDLY) Come on." "(SHRIEKS, GIGGLES)" "(GIGGLES)" "Yes, sir." "Well, I do understand, sir." "Goodbye, sir." ""Sir", was it?" ""Sir", it was." "And joy of joy, Jones, we have to go to the re-enactment." "We?" "We." "Hello, Tom." "Mr Mayor." "What can I do for you?" "Well, I was just wondering why your chief never comes along to anything I organise." "He always sends his underlings." "Probably because he doesn't want to be seen with a cowboy builder." "You just never get it, do you?" "Never come to the party, always out there in the cold." "What are you going to do about my roof?" "Hands are tied, Tom." "Contracts, guarantees, accountants." "Of course, if you know how to shake a hand and stand on one leg..." "If you've got no official business here," "Mr Mayor, would you please go away?" "Right." "Well, I'll see you at the do then." "(LAUGHS)" "BRASS BAND PLAYS" "AIRCRAFT ENGINES WHIR" "And here comes the Red Baron, Manfred von Richthofen, being chased through the skies by our own Captain Roy Brown." "(LAUGHS) How do I look?" "Interesting." "You can go now." "PEOPLE CHATTER" "Could this be curtains for the Red Baron?" "There they go!" "Big cheer for our chap." "Hip, hip..." "CHEERING" "It's far too close to the crowd, that." "Health and safety will have a fit." "Lionel, how goes it?" "Watch this." "FEEDBACK SCREECHES" "Oi!" "FEEDBACK CONTINUES" "Stop that, you rascal, you. (LAUGHS)" "Keep up the good work." "The Midsomers always wore their lanyards on the right." "Never on the left!" "And what about their..." "their pink socks?" "Which feet did they wear them on?" "(LAUGHS)" "I know you Ryan." "Shankhill Road." "You were a disgrace then, no better now." "Get out of my way." "(LAUGHS)" "See all this?" "North Meadow." "The 30 acres." "Ooh, that." "Yeah!" "100 townhouses, easy." "Very easy." "Looking right into the Hammond's garden." "Profit and revenge, all in one." "(LAUGHS) Brilliant, Dad." "Brilliant." "I've got them all on here." "All what?" "All the local women." "I'll check the lot of them and I'll sniff yours out." "You are losing the plot, Jude." "Helen's been at the dressing-up box again, has she?" "Just shut up." "What?" "You're drunk and you're being an idiot." "Oh-whoo!" "Get him then." "♪ When I was in the army" "♪ I was a cavalry man, you know" "♪ And whenever I went on parade" "♪ A magnificent picture I made" "♪ With my galloping here and my galloping there" "♪ This ridiculous habit I got" "♪ And I'm damned if I don't think I'm galloping now" "♪ Whether up in the saddle or not" "♪ And the people, they stare at me so" "♪ For it matters not where I may go" "♪ It's my bumpity-bumpity-bumpity" "♪ As if I was riding my charger... ♪" "What's happening here then, eh?" "Piss off, Danny." "It's a bloody Hammond." "You got to be kidding me." "Ah!" "Want me to break it?" "No." "No." "Well, on your bike." "You'll keep." "You'll KEEP!" "He's a little treasure." "Yeah." "He's going to be your brother-in-law." "Don't...ruin it." "♪ Bumpity-bumpity-bumpity-bump" "♪ As proud as an Indian rajah" "♪ All the girls declare" "♪ That I'm a gay old stager" "♪ Hey!" "Hey!" "Clear the way!" "♪ Here comes the galloping major. ♪" "That's a fine bit of woman." "Away team, Mickey." "Eh, yeah." "We'll see." "That was really good." "Thank you." "I was wondering, Kate..." "What?" "You're a great-looking girl, see, so..." "I was hoping that... ..maybe you might consider playing for the home team now and again." "(LAUGHS)" "Oh!" "(LAUGHS)" "(GRUNTS)" "It is dawn on July 1, 1916." "On this day, 58,000 British troops will die in the bloodiest day of our history." "Amongst them were 88 members of own Royal Midsomer Yeomanry." "The day begins with the artillery bombardment to get jolly Hun to keep his head down." "DISTANT BATTLE" "Now, watch it all go to hell." "At 5am precisely a huge landmine planted directly under the enemy lines is the signal to attack." "DETONATOR WHIRS" "(VARIOUS GASPS)" "WHISTLE BLOWS" "(SOLDIERS YELL)" "Get out!" "Get out!" "Advance, boys!" "Come on, men." "Keep together." "Alas... the artillery fire had had little effect, and the German machine gunners relentlessly mowed down our boys... (MEN SCREAM)" "..who gave their lives for the kingdom - our country." "MACHINE GUN BARKS" "EXPLOSIVE BOOMS ECHO" "(SOLDIERS SCREAM)" "(SOLDIERS CRY OUT IN PAIN)" "BIRDSONG" "Quite moving, really." "Fall in." "Come on." "That's it." "Fall in." "Fall in." "Go on!" "Royal Midsomers!" "Ah..." "left, quick march!" "Left." "Left." "Left, right, left." "Left." "Left." "That way." "That way." "Left, right." "Left." "Left." "What?" "Why did you marry Dad?" "Oh." "Well, the Harcourts were military as well, so it was a sort of..." "amalgamation of the regiments." "A bit like the Surreys and the Midsomers." "But Daddy doesn't like women." "He's queer as a coot." "Well, obviously he knew how to do his duty by his family." "A couple of times, at least." "(SIGHS) God, no wonder you're such a basket case." "Heh." "Thank you, darling." "Henry?" "Hm!" "Thank you." "(SIGHS)" "The whole family's going to hell." "Yes, Henry." "Sophie..." "Is she a..." "Is she a communist?" "No, Henry." "She's a social worker." "Well, Kate...what's wrong with her?" "Why does she..." "Why does..." "Why does she dress like that?" "I can't imagine." "And Johnny... (LAUGHS)" "If it hadn't been for you and me, where would this whole family be now?" "Hey, Bella?" "(CHUCKLES)" "Duty." "That's what matters." "Duty." "Good night, Henry." "Right-o." "(SIGHS)" "FOOTSTEPS Left." "Left." "Left, right, left." "And...halt!" "Right." "Keep quiet." "Keep low." "Let's go." "Ugh." "(GRUMBLES)" "MEN WHISTLE WARTIME SONG" "Royal Midsomers...halt!" "Squad... take your positions." "Henry Hammond, you have been found guilty of cowardice and desertion in the face of the enemy." "It is the verdict of this court marshal that you be executed by firing squad." "Have you anything to say?" "(GRUNTS)" "So sorry...sir." "Final words..." "General?" "You miserable little oink!" "I'll have the lot of you for assault." "But you'll be dead, sir." "Just like Tommy Hicks' death." "Do you really think I'm going to be intimidated by a pathetic bunch of drunken bank clerks and a cocky corporal, do you?" "You're nothing, Ryan, nothing but a tick." "Now, undo my arms, I'll knock you down." "Firing squad!" "'Shun!" "Oh, come." "Look, he's had it coming to him for ages." "Take aim." "TAKE AIM!" "Say goodbye, General." "Fire!" "GUNSHOTS CRACK" "Now you how it feels." "Dah!" "(CACKLES)" "Pathetic bunch, all of you." "Now take me home." "To hell with you." "Come on." "Let's go." "Right turn." "Quick...march!" "Left." "Right." "Left." "Right." "Left." "Left." "Right." "He's got a lot of balls." "Oh, shut up!" "Left, right, left." "Left." "Left." "Left, right, left." "BUSH CRACKLES" "Who's there?" "What do you want?" "SOFT WHIRRING" "HORN TOOTS" "George?" "I don't know what happened." "I don't know." "I was just doing my usual milk round." "Now I know Armadale is tricky, so I-I was being extra careful." "This is Mr Bullard." "Right down the middle of the road he come." "I swerved, but h-he turned right back into me." "Turned his chair?" "Aye." "Deliberately come into me." "I doubt that." "Well..." "It's the truth." "Very difficult to operate a wheelchair when someone's shot half your head off." "Are you born sensitive, George, or did you develop the skill over the years?" "Who is that?" "Derek Watson, sir." "Found him singing in a ditch." "Interesting story, though." "It was a joke!" "We thought we'd just freak the old bugger out." "But it didn't work?" "No!" "He wasn't a person." "He was a... bloody tank." "He knew we wouldn't kill him." "He wasn't the least bit frightened by us." "So it all backfired." "Aye." "A crazy idea." "Looked good when we'd had a few pints, but...we didn't kill him." "Now you've been through us all." "We're not a hit squad." "we're just a bunch of idiots!" "What?" "Your friends may be as moronic as you say they are, Mickey, but you are not." "Yes, I am." "No, you're not." "You leave the folly and, lo, someone who just happens to have a gun happens to be passing by and shoots Henry." "How very fortunate for them." "It was a coincidence." "They must have followed us, sir." "Would you excuse us?" "What do you think?" "I don't know." "Well, that's no way to plan a murder, is it?" "A bunch of drunken yobs, obscure location, plenty of witnesses." "Mickey, you told someone, didn't you?" "Mm?" "And they piggybacked on your plans." "Who was it, Mickey?" "Who did you tell about your little game?" "Oh, just my mates, sir." "Apart from your mates, who else could have known, could have overheard something?" "Anyone." "Guys might have told their wives, whatever." "It was just a joke!" "Wasn't bloody World War III!" "OK, Mickey, get out." "You're still a suspect." "Yes, sir." "So...who didn't like Henry Hammond?" "Half the county." "But let's start with his natural enemies." "DOORBELL CHIMES" "Oh, Mr Barnaby!" "It's tragic, isn't it?" "Yes." "Yes, it is." "Very tragic." "Tragic." "The way when anything happens to a Hammond, the police are round here faster than you can say 'hide the silver'." "Mrs Hicks, I am pursuing normal lines of inquiry." "Of a so-called gentry who obviously have you in their pocket." "Mrs Hicks, will you mind telling me where you were last night, please?" "We were all here." "I was asleep." "In my study." "In your study." "He snores." "So I sent him to his study." "FOOS-BALL BALL ROLLS You were out and about, were you?" "Well, only for about ten minutes." "Then I could still hear him snoring through the floor." "It's the cheese that does it." "He eats it last thing." "FOOS-BALL BALL ROLLS" "Will you?" "What?" "Will you give that a REST...please?" "Thank you." "Where were you?" "In my bed." "On my own." "I checked on him too, just to tuck him in." "Mum!" "DOOR CLOSES" "So..." "Where were you?" "I was just having a walk, clear my head a bit." "You were seeing your tart." "Jude, there is no tart." "I'll go public." "Jude..." "Take you apart." "You think I don't read those papers you give me to sign?" "You think I don't know what you've put in my name?" "Darling!" "You think you'll get any of it back?" "Jude, that is my operating capital." "Mine now." "And when I find your slut, I'll have ALL your money." "And you'll be in the slammer thinking," ""What a silly boy I was for cheating on my lovely wife."" "But you are my lovely wife." "I love only you." "Genuinely." "Honestly." "Oh." "Really, Davey?" "Really, Judy." "Now, isn't that nice?" "TELEPHONE RINGS" "Martin." "Ah?" "I was ringing about Henry." "Yes?" "Nothing to do with you, was it?" "Martin!" "Well, it puts you one step closer." "Just SHUT UP!" "SOBBING" "Ooh." "Dickens." "Monsters." "(SOBS)" "My wife has a few problems in the..." "um...emotional-stability area." "Something like this tends to..." "Maybe we should go to the study." "Please?" "You go talk to the Hammond daughters." "I suppose you want to know where we all were at the time of the murder." "Yes, sir." "(SOBS)" "So, you and your wife have separate bedrooms." "Mr Barnaby, please don't be so coy." "This is a small community and my... proclivities are not exactly unknown." "I-I-I was not aware." "And you do have two daughters." "The facts are not mutually exclusive." "Maybe you should read a little more." "So, how were you getting on with your late father?" "My father was real army, the last in the long line of stalwart Hammond warriors." "I was his worst nightmare." "And he mine." "Well, if you really must know, around that time I was having a bit of serious snog." "Can I have the gentleman's name?" "The gentleman's name was Caroline." "Caroline?" "Oh." "Right." "Right." "Right." "But I..." "I apologise for assuming... (CLEARS THROAT)" "Look, you really should talk to my mother." "She holds the keys to this family." "She knows what goes on behind the closed doors." "That's why she's such a mess." "Mrs Hammond, I'm sorry," "I know this is probably not the time to be asking tedious questions." "But you know the longer a suspect goes unapprehended the more likely he is to...to..." "Then again, if you don't feel up..." "No, no, no, no, no." "It's all right." "I'm all right." "What..." "What do you want to know?" "Now, are you sure?" "Yes, for God's sake!" "Henry dealt in certainties and now he is certainly dead." "We will mourn for him when the enemy is routed." "Is there an enemy, Mrs Hammond?" "Well, he didn't blow his own head off, did he?" "Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you meant a specific enemy." "Well, yes, I do." "The Hickses." "This is what they exist for, to make our lives a wasteland." "You were very close to your father-in-law." "Loved him." "(Hated him.)" "Love...hate..." "What's the difference, Mr Barnaby?" "What's the difference?" "Your whereabouts last night, Ms Hammond?" "I was having my portrait painted." "All night?" "Except for when I was having sex." "With a man?" "What?" "Sorry." "I'm sorry." "No, no." "Ah?" "I was..." "Talking to my sister." "Yeah." "Ah?" "Your grandfather..." "Was a bore and a bully." "And who did he bully?" "Everyone." "My parents." "My dark-side-of-the-moon sister." "They didn't do all that damage to themselves, you know." "But would anyone have wanted him killed?" "Well, obviously, someone did." "A Hicks, perhaps." "I do hope not." "I'd hate to marry into a family of murderers." "Marry?" "Yes." "I'm marrying Will Hicks." "And...how will that go down with your respective families?" "I don't care, Mr Jones." "I've never been part of this idiotic vendetta." "Now, anything else?" "I do have half of Eastern Europe out there." "(CHILDREN YELL IN DISTANCE)" "I'll miss him." "Bugging Henry gave me something worth living for." "Might as well croak myself now." "Oh, come on, man." "There's no need for that." "What about Biddy?" "Ah!" "She's a nutter." "You don't want to listen to her." "She talks cobblers from breakfast to dinner." "I'm only in there for the sex." "She's very..." "Right." "Thank you." "Oh, so you could have left without her noticing too." "Doubt it." "Doesn't miss a thing." "She's very different from her sister." "Can't believe they're from the same stock." "But you're very different from your brother too." "There's no accounting, is there?" "Keep pushin', keep pushin'." "Go on, Johnny." "Straight left-right, then finish." "Good work." "Good work." "(GASPS, LAUGHS)" "OK." "OK." "Thank you, thank you." "BOXERS SPAR IN BACKGROUND" "That's it." "Watch it, Dad." "That's it." "That's it." "You know, Simon, ever since my father died" "I feel as though a great weight has been lifted off me." "Mm-hm." "He never understood me." "Oh, I think he did, Johnny." "What the hell are you doing?" "Rubbing you up the wrong way." "What do you want?" "A chat." "About what?" "The unpublished codicil to your grandfather's will." "Don't know what you're talking about." "Your Grandad Dougie decreed that when the Hammond family trust wraps up, then your north meadow comes to the Hicks." "I wonder why he did that." "He was disturbed." "He was guilt-ridden." "Anyway, if my family's gonna get the meadow for free one day, why don't you and I do a little deal now and you can cop yourself a tidy sum today." "Sell Hammond land to a Hicks?" "Ha!" "So you can do some dodgy deal and build all over it." "How stupid do you think I am?" "Get out of here." "The times, they are a' changing, Johnny." "The servant should be the master." "Well done, Nick." "That was quick." "Ha-ha." "They didn't even have to dive." "It was 6ft from the edge." "How deep is it there?" "18 inches." "How deep in the middle?" "25ft." "He wanted us to find it." "What is it?" ".455 service revolver, issued about 1916." "And how do you know that, Mr Bullard?" "My belief in the great circle of life, Tom." "What goes around comes around." "Oh. (LAUGHS)" "What?" "Married." "Sophie and I are getting married." "I told you." "Didn't I tell you?" "But she's a Hammond." "Traitor." "You total traitor." "She's having you on." "She'll leave you crying at the altar." "Hm!" "Thanks, Mum." "Granddad?" "Go for it, son!" "Dad!" "Well, they love each other." "History's history." "It's bloody rubbish, anyway, isn't it?" "You've changed your tune." "No." "It was fun." "But it ain't any more, is it?" "Not since Henry got killed." "Dave?" "Say...something." "I've got to send some emails." "MACHINE WHINES" "It looks like Bullard was surprisingly correct." "Regulation service revolver, issued to Dougie Hammond in the September of 1915." "So it seems likely that the same gun was used to finish off Tommy Hicks." "Very poetic." "Gun was reported stolen from the Hammonds' five years ago." "Danny Hicks was questioned because he already had juvenile form." "And his prints were found all over the gun cabinet, but nothing came of it." "Why was that?" "Looks like the Hammonds didn't press charges." "You'd think the Hammonds would leap at the chance to nobble a Hicks, wouldn't you?" "TELEPHONE RINGS Keep digging." "Where's he gone?" "God knows." "'He does that sometimes.'" "MAN:" "There you are, Biddy." "Get this to the chemist and make sure you take the whole course." "Ha!" "Hello, Tom." "What's the matter?" "Is the door stuck?" "Biddy likes to be treated through the window." "Let a doctor in the house, and you're on your way out." "What about police officers, Biddy, are they allowed in?" "Just don't nick anything." "Thank you." "Ha!" "CATS MEOW" "DOOR CLOSES" "That smells adequately revolting." "It's not for eating, it's for feet." "Oh, for feet, is it?" "Well, I'm very glad." "So, what do you want?" "Hammond." "Henry?" "Well, he's dead." "No." "Dougie Hammond, Henry's father." "Ooh, dead a long time." "Yeah." "I know he's dead." "He died in 1935." "Well, I never knew him." "How old do you think I am?" "But your mum knew him." "But not me." "No, not you." "No, not me." "No." "Did she ever mention him?" "She said he was...sensitive." "And what killed Dougie Hammond so early in his life then?" "Ooh, he was a right old worry-bags." ""Guilt", my mum said, after what he'd done to Tommy." "Oh, he spent all the time in church praying for forgiveness and promising to make amends." "And did he?" "What?" "Make amends." "He looked after his family." "What does that mean?" "Well, don't ask me." "I'm just a daft old witch." "Ask anybody, they'll tell you." "Biddy Dixon, fiddle-de-de, daft as a brush." "(CACKLES)" "So that's, "Congratulations, Soph, we're all so happy for you," is it?" "You are kidding?" "No." "But Will's a Hicks." "Yes, Daddy." "Well done." "I bet he wants a dowry." "The Hicks' always want something of ours - our land, our money!" "We haven't got any money!" "And, God, even with Grandpa dead we don't get anything until you fall off your perch." "And what is the point of land if you can't FLOG it?" "!" "Mummy." "Mm?" "What do you think?" "About what?" "Can you join us for a minute?" "Me marrying Will Hicks." "Oh." "I'm..." "I-I..." "I think it's...terribly amusing." "(GIGGLES MANICALLY)" "I'm so sorry, please excuse me." "It's been a very stressful week." "(LAUGHS HEARTILY)" "(CACKLES)" "Could you pass the salt, please?" "SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS" "CAR APPROACHES" "CAR HAND-BRAKE ENGAGED" "SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC CONTINUES" "DOOR OPENS, CLOSES" "DOOR SHUTS" "Who'd have thought it, eh?" "Dave Hicks and Bella Hammond." "Hehe!" "25 years, you know, next week." "Thank God for small Thorazines." "So...um..." "What we gonna do about this wedding, then?" "Might it pass?" "Most first marriages are a mistake." "That's not quite what I meant." "I mean, let's face it, they are brother and sister." "What are you talking about?" "25 years ago, your Johnny's playing soldiers in the sauna, you're coming to me for your jollies." "So, who's the father of your girls?" "His Worship the Mayor." "What?" "Well, Johnny may have an alarming penchant for the other ranks but he has always understood the meaning of the word 'duty', however distasteful he may have found it." "Well, pity." "I thought we might, one day, you know... ..legitimise the position." "Me... ..with you?" "Well, once you know about Johnny... (LAUGHS)" "David..." "David, I picked you for my occasional indulgence because it appealed to a certain perversity within me." "When having sex with you," "I like to imagine how deeply horrified the Hammond clan would be." "But, believe me, otherwise it was...pure farmyard." "Nothing else at all." "Bloody Hammonds." "Think you're so superior!" "Because we are." "Well, why don't you find another stand-in for your faggy husband, if you can!" "Take a look in there, Lady Macbeth." "That's no spring bloody chicken." "BIRDSONG" "MELANCHOLIC ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYS" "Birth certificates from that period, sir." "They show no connection between the Hicks and the Hammonds." "But Biddy Dixon's mum claimed that Tommy's mother, a lowly laundry lady, had been knocked up by Colonel Sebastian Hammond." "So Dougie executed his own half-brother?" "Alleged half-brother." "You could verify that through DNA analysis, sir." "Ooh, yes, so we could." "Good idea, Stephens." "Thank you, sir." "Jones, what news of Danny and the gun?" "Says he had nothing to do with the theft from the Hammonds." "Claims his fingerprints must have been planted there by someone who wanted to frame him." "Is he serious?" "No, he was winding me up." "He knows we can't touch him on that one." "MEN: # Mademoiselle from Armentieres, Parlez-vous" "♪ Mademoiselle from Armentieres, Parlez-vous" "♪ Mademoiselle from Armentieres, hasn't been...for 40 years" "♪ Rinky-dinky, parlez-vous?" "♪ Have a banana" "♪ The officers get the pie and cake, Parlez-vous?" "♪ The officers get the pie and cake" "♪ All we get is a bellyache" "♪ Rinky-dinky, parlez... ♪" "Ten minutes of an engraver's time in exchange for your life." "That's all a poor man gets." "Hey, none of your commie stuff here, please!" "What did the army give me?" "Dishonourable discharge, just for selling off a few bits and bobs they weren't using." "(CHUCKLES) VEHICLE APPROACHES" "Where are the kids controlling that?" "What's that?" "Bloody hell." "That's a detonator." "TOOLS TAP" "Sir?" "DEVICE BEEPS" "Pentaerythritol tetranitrate." "PETM." "The explosive popular with shoe bombers." "It's easy to mould into any shape and remains stable until it's detonated." "Now, these touch-cards will tell if a person's been handling explosives." "So, all we've got to do, is to find someone with the telltale molecules on their hands, and we've got them." "Thank you." "There were three Hammonds on that memorial." "You really think that I, or any of my men, would try to destroy it?" "What about Lionel?" "Was it an attempt on his life as revenge for the death of your father?" "No." "No." "It's the Hickses trying to discredit us." "The Hickses are at the bottom of everything rotten around here." "Why didn't you press charges when your grandfather's gun was stolen?" "My wife thought it would just create further bad feeling between the families." "Was she worried about that?" "Who knows?" "Let's face it - what do you get for burglary these days?" "A holiday in Wales with a social worker?" "Teneriffe, if it's serious." "Thank you." "ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYS SOFTLY" "DRAMATIC HIT" "God!" "Ooh!" "That's my bloody Jag!" "I loved that car." "I'd hardly want to blow it up, would I?" "The explosives were initially aimed at the memorial, perhaps even at Lionel." "Right." "It was a revenge attempt by the Hammonds, plain as the nose on your face." "But you are deliberately ignoring the obvious cos the police and the army see themselves as brothers in arms." "Do you know your trouble?" "You have no respect for the political and business community as represented by their mayor." "Danny, may we have some more of your ubiquitous fingerprints, please?" "I didn't nick the gun." "I wasn't charged, so it didn't happen." "Well, I choose not to believe that - so your fingerprints now, please, on there." "FAST PACE FOOTSTEPS" "Where is he?" "He's in conference, Mrs Hicks." "Oh, piss off." "Hello, darling." "You are SO dead." "And why's that, my precious?" "Bella Hammond." "You have been shagging Bella Hammond for the last 25 years." "Dad!" "No, I haven't." "Chanel number-bleedin'-five." "And she knows what you yell when you get your rocks off." ""Go, Dave, go!"" "Well, go-Dave-go, it's all in my name, so right now it's, "Go, Judy, Go"" "with every penny you've got and every inch of skin on your FAT arse." "See you in jail..." "loser." "Bella Hammond?" "I was just getting some inside information." "You're so full of it." "My future mother-in-law." "Heh." "Bit off, Dad." "It seems that lack of respect for the mayor is endemic in our wayward community." "DOOR SLAMS" "DOOR OPENS" "TIMBER CREAKS" "What are you doing?" "Nothing." "Judy Hicks has been banging round the village telling everyone that you and Dave have been having an affair for years." "She always was a noisy woman." "So it's not true?" "Well, of course not." "Thank God." "An affair would suggest some kind of passion, affection even." "All Dave and I ever had was pretty basic sex." "You are joking?" "Well...it wasn't really up your alley, was it, darling?" "But a Hicks, for God's sake!" "Yes, I know." "That was the really good bit." "That is quite unforgivable." "I don't need forgiveness from this family." "That's all the men in the village tested." "The boys that run the cards - not a trace." "I'm very disappointed." "What about the women of the village?" "Explosives?" "Not a woman thing." "That's very sexist, George." "You want me to test the women?" "Yes, I do." "Dig out all the public records on both the families." "And you better ask those nice people at DNA if we can afford to test." "Is he on to something?" "I'm never quite sure." "BIRDS TWITTER" "Ah!" "Reverend, I'm looking for the grave of Thomas Hicks." "(Yes." "It's down there on the left.)" "Thank you." "All right." "All right." "I'll be there in 20 minutes." "Solicitor - he says he has something of interest regarding father's will." "Excuse me." "GARAGE RATTLES" "RAPID GUNFIRE" "(CHOKES)" "GRAVEL CRUNCHES" "(CHOKES)" "SAD TRUMPET PLAYS" "WALKIE-TALKIE CHATTER" "What's happening?" "There's a misfed round in the breech." "I wonder if the shooter was injured?" "Well, there's no sign of blood or anything." "Your solicitor, Martin Chadwick, denies phoning Johnny." "But Johnny said it was him." "Yeah, well, the call actually came from an unidentified mobile phone." "Have you got any...any thoughts?" "Hicks." "Yes." "But other possibilities." "One of his soldier boys." "You know, Johnny was a little.." "left of centre, sexually not politically." "Did he know about your relationship with Dave Hicks?" "It wasn't a relationship." "We just had sex occasionally." "Which went on for a period of many years, by all accounts." "Where are you going with this?" "Well, it must throw a somewhat... speculative light over the parentage of your two daughters." "Oh, for God's sake." "Don't you start!" "They are Hammonds, through and through." "Just look at them, their noses, eyes." "There is no way they are anything to do with Dave Hicks." "Yes." "I'm-I'm agreeing with you." "They're nothing at all to do with Mayor Hicks." "Right." "Your daughter Sophie... ..was born four months after you married Johnny." "So I was pregnant when I got married?" "Hardly groundbreaking territory." "Yes." "But until two months before you married Johnny, he was away in Australia for a year." "Do you see?" "The-the-the maths is confusing." "He flew back for a break." "Well, he may well have done." "But...you wouldn't have been here, would you?" "Yes, I was." "No, you weren't." "Cos you...were in Northern Ireland working for the MOD, as indeed was Henry Hammond." "In fact you were his assistant, his PA." "As you say, "Hammond through and through"." "'I thought that...ah..." "Henry was a little over-familiar for a father-in-law." "But you didn't seem to notice, did you?" "It was as if those gestures were not uncommon.'" "So, you had Sophie by Henry." "Yes." "And Kate?" "May as well be hung for two lambs as a sheep." "Hm!" "And what did your husband think of this arrangement?" "Henry gave Johnny a family and a place in local society." "But at considerable cost to his self-esteem." "I would be grateful if you would keep your very... perceptive insights to yourself." "I'll do my very best." "You are an officer and a gentleman." "So, how come you two are always around when things go wrong?" "We were fixing a water pump at the Reynolds' place, just up the road." "And what does Lionel do?" "He guards my lunch, OK?" "Well, he just comes for the ride." "He's my mate." "Look at this - found near the machine-gun." "Hm." "How many bits of a machine-gun are made of plastic?" "None." "None." "But toy cars can be made of plastic." "Mickey Ryan's military record?" "In Northern Ireland same time as Henry Hammond." "Dishonourable discharge from Royal Midsome Yeomanry for stealing ordinance - unspecified." "That is a word we do not use around here, Ms Stephens." "Get it specified." "Yes, sir." "Just had a hopping-mad Judy Hicks come in." "Gave me this - conversation between her husband and son Danny discussing how they might develop North Meadow," "Hammond land." "Dougie Hammond wanted to make amends." "Well, come on." "Here you are, George." "Your start off of ten." "Small transmitter box." "Yeah." "Which, presumably, transmitted to a receiver on the machine-gun where I found the other aerial." "Johnny presses the remote for his garage door using his normal infrared transmitter which triggered the garage motor, which, in turn, triggered this transmitter that sent a signal to the machine-gun." "(CHOKES)" "And the wheelchair?" "Same MO." "Old Henry is executed." "Radio receiver's wired up to his wheelchair controls and off he goes." "And trying to destroy the evidence, the controller guides Henry into the path of the oncoming milk truck, which they knew always passed that way at that time." "Same with the radio-controlled car." "So, who's the electronics expert around here?" "Mickey Ryan." "Yeah, but he's alibied, isn't he, by all his re-enactor mates?" "So, what do we do now?" "What we do now, Jones, is think laterally - go at it from the other flank." "This is the local and..." "very bent solicitor." "And we'll deal with him in a way he understands." "Now, Mr Chadwick, you... deal with all of David Hicks' legal work, do you?" "Yes." "Well, I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but his little empire and all his associated chicanery is about to implode, owing to his wife feeding us details of his somewhat illegal business arrangements." "You..." "You get several mentions." "H-how can I help you, Chief Inspector?" "Oh, Martin, thank you." "Does David Hicks have any entitlement to Hammond land?" "When the trust is wound up the Hicks get North Meadow." "This was a secret codicil to Douglas Hammond's will." "How did David Hicks find out about that?" "I can't think." "When does the trust expire?" "(CLEARS THROAT) By law, all trusts expire after three generations." "So, that will be now, after the death of Johnny Hammond?" "Not quite." "The Trust remains in place while the spouse of the deceased is still living." "Spouse." "Martin, thank you very much." "DOOR CLOSES Mr Mayor." "Father." "Grandfather." "One and the same." "You disgust me." "I wanted you both so much." "My children." "My daughters." "If I hadn't behaved as I did, neither of you would be here." "I wish I wasn't." "A surveyor called." "He wants you to go up to North Meadow to discuss...boundaries or something." "PIANO PLAYS MENACINGLY" "(GASPS)" "No." "Uh." "(DISTRESSED)" "Bella, you all right?" "ENGINE IDLES" "TWO-WAY RADIO WARBLES" "Thank you, Mr Barnaby." "You saved my life." "Actually, it was Jones who did..." "Well, but it..." "No, it was nothing." "Sir!" "Yay." "THUMPS HORSE FLOAT" "We found the transmitter." "It was tuned to the 2.8HG public band." "So all that was needed was for this simple transmitter to convert the electronic pulses to mechanical movement." "Really?" "And it's Kate's horse box, and she was the one who sent Mrs Hammond to North Meadow." "Can I run with this, sir?" "So, how do you explain these facts, Ms Hammond?" "I don't explain anything." "I'm just telling you I got a phone call." "But the horse box is your vehicle." "So bloody what?" "!" "I can barely operate a light switch." "Do you really think I know diddly-twat about electronic gizmos?" "She's the one who did engineering." "Oh, please?" "I switched to sociology after one term." "Well, you're the one always talking about CAD." "Oh, thank you, sister dearest." "Just shut up." "Up yours!" "So SICK of you!" "Hey." "Hey." "Ah!" "Ah!" "Hey!" "Ah!" "Ah!" "Ah." "Ah!" "Ladies!" "Ladies, please?" "Hate you." "Plea..." "Argh!" "(GRUNTS)" "Uh!" "You're such a... (GRUNTS) Please?" "!" "Kate, you..." "Sir!" "Yes, Jones?" "(BOTH WOMEN GRUNT WITH EXERTION)" "There's a situation..." "That's enough!" "You don't have to look quite so smug, sir." "Of course, I do." "It's one of the perks of experience." "'Now, what do you want, Mr Busy-body?" "'" "Biddy, what do you know about Lazarus?" "He came back from the dead." "He certainly did." "And what did he do then?" "Picked up his bed and walked." "Yes, it was a miracle." "And I think you've performed a miracle with the local social services, haven't you?" "CAR DOOR CLOSES" "So, what's in there?" "Eh-eh-eh." "Do you know what a McGuffin is?" "No." "Well, it's one of them." "ENGINE STARTS" "So it's a Hicks then?" "This is personal, isn't it?" "This is all about your bleedin' roof." "No, it's not about my roof, it's about motive." "So, what is my motive?" "You're an evil little crook." "Not now, Jude." "Oh, thank you very much for your interesting tape, Mrs Hicks." "What tape?" "The one that will hang you." "The tape that contains, amongst other gems, your plans to exploit and corrupt the local planning laws once you got your hands on North Meadow." "No." "I warned you." "'Course, you can only inherit that land after the deaths of both Johnny and Bella Hammond." "Now, David, that looks like a pretty good motive to me." "Right." "Take him down." "But..." "Why would you want to kill Henry Hammond?" "Yeah." "Yeah, right." "Well, I'm not sure, Dave." "Why would anyone want to kill Henry Hammond?" "Danny, have you got an opinion on this?" "Eh?" "Oh, come on, Danny." "We all know that you stole the murder weapon." "OK." "I nicked the gun, but..." "You know, it disappeared." "Really." "It was in my room and then it wasn't." "The room you once shared with your brother?" "Will?" "Did you take the gun?" "Why would I?" "Henry, Johnny, Bella." "Who inherits the estate once they've all gone?" "Well, I'll tell you." "Kate and her sister Sophie." "Your fiance shall become very well-off, won't she?" "But we don't consider that very likely, do we?" "We haven't found an ounce of madness in Will's history." "He's a nice man." "He's a very nice man." "Where does the malice really come from in this family, hey?" "Do you bloody mind?" "!" "What are you getting at, Barnaby?" "You hate the Hammonds, don't you?" "I mean, you REALLY hate the Hammonds." "Especially after you found out about... ..about the interesting connection between Bella Hammond and David here." "I'm not a murderer." "I'm not a bleedin' psycho either." "And I have alibis for all the times, don't I?" "Yes, you have, indeed." "So...ah?" "You've done us all and no result." "Right." "Hello, Lionel." "BOX CONTENTS RATTLE" "You took your time." "Dad!" "Sit down, you're disabled." "It's all right." "I'm not concerned with benefit fraud." "Biddy Dixon's always teaching people how to fiddle the system." "So, what's your beef, then?" "You were in the Engineers during the last war, weren't you?" "Dropped into France before D-day to blow up railway lines, bridges, supply depots and stuff." "You really know your explosives, don't you?" "Expert." "And then you became one of the first people to repair televisions." "I looked after Mr Churchill's television." "So, remote controls?" "Doodle." "And then you were made an honorary member of the Royal Midsomer Yeomanry Re-enactors, and getting your hands on their armaments." "That was a doddle too, wasn't it, for a cunning old man that looked like he wouldn't harm a fly?" "Mugs, the lot of them." "So all you had to do was to wait for the opportunity to use your accumulated skills." "I suspect, Lionel, I suspect that that opportunity came down the pub when you overheard Mickey Ryan and his idiot pals concocting their plan to humiliate Henry Hammond." "Then we recreate the whole execution scenario." "See how he likes it." "Then he went to Danny's room." "I bet that particular weapon pleased your sense of justice, eh, Lionel?" "It killed my dad." "Then up on Hammond Hill you watched as Mickey Ryan conducted his little farce." "Fire!" "GUNSHOTS ECHO" "Then..." "PISTOL COCKS" "..you attached a remotely activated device to Henry's electrically operated chair." "And good night, Mr Hammond." "METAL CLANGS" "One strange detail." "Why was the gun dumped in shallow water?" "Answer - because the thrower was a very old man who didn't have a great deal of strength." "Simple explanation, but one that didn't occur to me for some little time." "Similarly, with the fun and games down at the war memorial." "That was a very clever attempt by Lionel to deflect suspicion away from yourself." "My bloody car!" "Teach you lot to let me ride in it." "Then there was the death of Johnny Hammond." "That must have been quite a challenge for you, Lionel, eh?" "Yeah." "I needed all my smarts there." "Course you couldn't operate a machine gun by yourself, could you?" "But you could rig one very effectively." "So you attached all the necessary gizmos and linked them through to the garage door mechanism." "Thus Johnny Hammond triggered his own death within minutes of you telephoning to tell him his solicitor wanted to see him." "Same with the bailer, I guess." "Rigging it up was a stroke of genius." "Dad...why?" "Why'd you do all this?" "The Hammonds killed my dad!" "But you've been living with that for 80 years." "It wasn't just that." "No." "Months ago Biddy, told you the whole story, didn't she?" "It was even worse." "Tommy Hicks was executed by his own half-brother." "Alleged half-brother." "That is still not proven." "Well, it's true." "Tommy and Dougie Hammond was brothers." "But Dougie didn't want a Hicks muscling in on their family." ""No scum in the toffs' trough."" "You heard Dave and Danny talk about the day that the North Meadow would go to the Hicks." "Yeah, and I thought, "Why should we wait?"" "We'd waited long enough for what's ours, what those bastards owed us." "So I got them, didn't I?" "I did, I got them." "Dad, you are going to spend the rest of your life in jail." "How long is that?" "10 minutes?" "Year?" "Life - who cares?" "I won." "I won the war!" "♪ It's the soldiers of the Queen, my lad" "♪ Who've been, my lads" "♪ Who've seen, my lads" "♪ In the fight for England's glory lad" "♪ The soldiers of the Queen. ♪" "I did it for you, Dad." "(MAN GIVES INSTRUCTIONS)" "How did it go?" "As expected." "Unfit to plead, detained at her Majesty's pleasure." "How did you get His Honour to do this for free?" "His Honour is doing this out of the kindness of his heart." "That is nice." "Well, I thought so." "Closed Captions by CSI"