"Do you copy?" " Roger CapCom, you got it, too?" " What is it?" "I don't know, Captain." "TacSignal has it at 500 miles, inbound real fast." "Whoa!" "That's not one of ours." "Confirmed inbound bogy..." "Werewolf flight." "Camera's now on." "Whoo, man is he moving!" "Unidentified aircraft, you are violating restricted air space." "Reduce speed to Mach 1." "Repeat, slow down, descend to 3,000 feet and identify, or we will force you down." "Command, this is Werewolf leader." "Bogy not responding and he's walking away fast." "Suggest Air National Guard at Franklin attempt intercept." "This is Cowboy flight." "I got a lock-on." "Request permission to fire." "Cowboy, you are cleared to fire." " Ah!" " Mib!" "You should have activated the cloaking device!" "I cannot remember everything." "It disappeared!" "He's just disappeared!" "Greetings." "Oh, you need a room?" "Correct." "Uh... soon as I... fill out an application." "Just a form there." "I also seek out techno-industrial sector where I can purchase 2 or 3 simlats of platinum paste." "Oh... this time of night, huh?" "Oh... gee!" "Let's see." "See, I'm kind of new to the area." "I don't..." "Do you know where I could obtain a heliomizon graphing device operable at 8 fathoms?" "You know... the day guy, he knows this area really good." "I'm sorry, I can't help ya." "Was this a double occupancy?" "Correct." "That is my mate." "Yeah." "Right." "You know, I'm sure she is." "That's that's fine, yeah, okay." "Will that be, uh... cash... or charge?" "Heh?" "How are you going to pay for the room?" "We shall remunerate with metallic tender disks." "Correct." "This is fine." "Yeah." "This is a primitive device." "We must find one with the necessary components to communicate our distress to Remulak." "When the High Master hears about the destruction of our ship, he will be most displeased." "Affirmative." "He will surely cut off my plarg and hand it to me." "But, do not despair, Prymaat." "We will be rescued." "Until then, we must adapt." "When the hydrogen droplets have ceased, we will go forth and live, undetected on Earth amongst the blunt skulls." "Beldar, how can we live among the blunt skulls?" "We will blend in." "Hey, Otto, this dude's almost as fast as you are." "Nah, man." "This boy's the best." "Shows up on time, gives me an honest day's work." " You can't find people like this anymore." " You know that's right." "Now, these other dudes, these white boys, and the brothers, show up late, they loaf around," " all they want is a check." " I heard that." "Here is your Super Juice Master." "For future reference, frequent cleaning of blades will prevent motor wear and accumulation of Earth bacteria." "I told ya, the boy is good." "If I could find 3 more like him," "I'd retire." "Excuse me, Otto" "I believe it is time for mid-day cessation of activities for protein-carbo intake." "Yeah, sure, take your lunch break." "Lunch, lunch, lunch." "Boy loves to eat." "Lunch, lunch, lunch, lunch, lunch," "lunch, lunch, lunch, lunch, lunch, lunch." "Lunch!" "Lunch!" "Greetings, Earthwoman." "Time for the mid-day consumption of mass quantities." "I have re-radiated leftover starch disks." "Ah, pizza." "I will enjoy it." "There." "Warning, do not sear the top of your neck hole in the molten lactate extract of hoofed mammals." "Excellent!" "The final component for the intergalactic communicator." "Correct." "There." "Perhaps a final tightening of the spiral dimension fasteners." "Beldar, activate the device!" "Address Marlax!" "Inform him of our situation." "There is no advantage to delay." "Verscrab!" "Phone home!" "Marlax!" "Marlax!" "Marlax!" "Marlax!" "Greetings, Beldar." "We haven't heard from you in klarzogs, and I'm glad to see your life on Tinzar still active." "Greetings, Marlax." "I trust you have enslaved the planet and are awaiting further instructions?" "Mmm... unanticipated failure of mentanglian drive has caused us to abandon our vessel in a fluid mass." "At what time coordinates might we expect a rescue vessel?" "Rescue vessel?" "You tahpath!" "I would not like to be in your cone when the High Master hears of your failure," "He will not take it lightly." "I will try to arrange for a star cruiser to enter your solar system in about oh... 7 zerls." " 7 zerls!" " 7 zerls!" "Pluget!" "Remulak!" "Narpel!" "7...zerls!" "Beldar, there is something we should discuss that is far more important than planetary conquest." "But what could be more important than planetary conquest?" "Beldar, I am with cone." "You?" "I?" "A young one?" "Affirmative." "$8,000." "That's the best week I've ever had, and there's $1,200 for you, Beldar." "Thank you." "By the way Beldar, you still haven't given me your social security number." "My social security number." "I..." "I am sorry." "I keep forgetting." "Look man, I need that number." "I got state payroll forms, workman's comp..." "You do have a number, don't you?" "Of course." "I am a citizen of this planet." "All right my man, give me the number." "O... 2... 5... 6..." "X... point... 3..." "O..." "B... 8... 7..." "Beldar, my man, you trying to tell me you don't have a social security number?" "Correct." "Why not?" "I am an illegal alien." "I knew you were too good to be true." "Every time I make some money this happens!" "So where you from?" "The planet Remulak." "I am Fuel Survey Underlord for your entire..." "Never mind." "Never mind." "Look... we gonna work this out." "All right, here's the deal." "Your name is Donald R. DeCicco, got that?" "Donald R. DeCicco." "Yeah, that's you." "D-e C-i-c-c-o." "You were born August 11, 1951 in" " Brockton, Massachusetts." " Brockton, Massachusetts." "Oh, it's a lovely town there, and your name is what?" " Donald R. DeCicco." " That's right you are!" "It's nice to see you!" "Your wife's name is Mary Margaret Rowney, born June 26,1955 in Narragansett, Rhode Island, but you're from where?" " Brockton, Massachusetts." " Hey, my Mother's from there!" "You two were married" "June 4, 1975 in Carlos, Greece, where you met on a fellowship following your graduation from" " Hobart College." " Hobart..." " College" " Hobart College, let's put 'em together" " Hobart College." "The man's a wizard." "Everything else you need is in here-- birth certificates, family names, school records, employers, addresses," "Grandmother's maiden name, not that they'll ask, but it's in there." "Most important, your social security numbers." "What's your name?" "Donald R. DeCicco." "Donny DeCicco, nice to meet you." "Welcome to the United States." "Right in there." "Up and down." "This is a fine craft." "It can be operated with some ease." "Yo, man!" "Come on, not so close, all right?" "I mean, it's not that I'm against close, it's just not my thing man." "See, in America, we got this thing called space." "There you go." "Beldar, if you gonna live and have kids, you gonna have to get yourself together." "Buy yourself a car, maybe get a hat for that head, and you got to do somethin' about those teeth!" "Teeth." "Beldar, you know what the key to success in this country is?" " I do not." " Well, I'm gonna tell ya." "Look good." "Be your own boss." "Never get chained to a desk." "When it comes to business, take cash only." "Look good." "Be own boss." "No desk." "Cash only." "You got it." " Got more of that gum man?" " Of course" "On second thought, I better not chew and drive." "I might hit somethin'." "I..." "I'm really better with English." "all I'm getting is clicking noises over here." "Clicking?" "Clicking?" "Clicking?" "Que?" "Could you be a lamb and have a seat?" "Tako uno seatado, por favor." "Hey there." "I'll take that." "Mr. Seedling can't see anyone today." "He's... havin' one of those days." "Thanks." "Isn't that cute?" "Okay, that's not yours." "Now, bear in mind these figures are not to scale." "You see, I'm suggesting we put these electronic collars on all the deportees." "Then we bury a wire along the border, forming an invisible fence." "Now, the next time this illegal tries to enter the country..." "Pow!" "A jolt he won't soon forget." "It'll send a nice message to the rest of the population." " Let's get on this." " Yes." "Right away, sir." "Why am I the only one who can see the problem?" "I don't know." "Everyone else just ignores the problem" " hoping it'll go away, but it won't." " You're absolutely right." "Not going to disappear." " Maybe I should just give up too." " Oh, no." "Sure, just give up, be like everybody else." "Not you." " Go the easy route and let the country be overrun." " You wouldn't be happy." "Well, that's why I have to give it everything I have... 100%." "I know everyone thinks it's crazy." "...and obsessive." "...that I'm a mental case." "...wacko, completely insane." "I have something for you, that deceased SSI number you flagged," "DeCicco." "He's back." "It's the 10th job he's taken this month." "Not bad for a guy that was shot to death, in a clam bar in Sheepshead Bay." "Seems now, "Mr. DeCicco" is an appliance repairman in Jersey City." "Let's see." "Donald DeCiccos 1 through 5 turned out to be a Samoan, a Vietnamese, a Sicilian, a Canadian, and a Belgian." "...Belgian, yes, and he skipped back to Belgium." "I lost him, Eli." "This one I want." "Dr. Rudolph?" "This is Mr. DeCicco." "He wants his teeth capped... all of them." "Okay." "We'll just take a look." "Hello, Mr... uh..." "DeSicko." "DeCicco." "The name is DeCicco." "Mr. DeCicco, I'm Dr. Rudolph." "Can we send for your regular dental records?" "When I was a young one," "I chipped a toothhorn on my rocket sled, in a veri storm but there were no records... which we could send from... where..." "I... we come from." "All right." "Now, I understand..." " you want to have your teeth capped." " Correct." "Let's just take a look." "and open, please." "and close, please." "and open, please." "Okay, we'll start the caps right about... here, Mr. DeFasco." "Cicco!" "and open wider... if you can." "Headrest comfortable?" "Fine." "All right." "I'm going to give you some nitrous oxide." "Now, if you feel any pain, just let me know." "and breathe." "Beldar!" "Beldar!" "Mibs!" "Mibs!" "Human authority figures." "Mibs!" "Mibs!" "We must egress immediately." "They're at the portal!" "We are scrapnoids!" "Open up!" "Beldar!" "Around back!" "Come on!" "There they go." "Fast!" "Fast!" "Turnbull!" "Okay, no foreign passports, letters, correspondence, newspapers, nothing to indicate their country of origin, except for these Mardi Gras suits." "Let me see that." "Maybe they're Brazilian." "Sir?" "You know what, it would be better if that went through me." "He's not in a good mood." "I think I found something, sir." "Ah, that symbol also appears on this card." "Let me see that." "Possibly Korean." "Possibly." "Have this text analyzed." "Okay, run this." "Look at this filth!" "It's filthy!" "Human beings don't live like this." " Find out where they're from," " On it." "Because wherever that is," "I'm seeing to it that they go back there." "La Guardia Airport, Delta terminal." "La Guardia." "Do you wish I take BQE, the Van Wyck, or, my suggestion, Woodhaven Boulevard to the Grand Central Parkway?" "There are more signal lights, but less traffic." "Whatever, as long as we get there." "Woodhaven, Grand Central." "345." "Drop-off, La Guardia." "Good evening." " Greetings." " Greetings, my genetomate." "How was your day ferrying humans across the grid?" "Acceptable." "Tips could have been better." "The impending cone prepares for its emergence." "It's Khoudri." "Welcome, my employer and landlord." "Beldar, forgive my intrusion." "Rhavi is sick." "Can you work the midnight shift, use my car?" "Most certainly." "However, this will be the last triple shift." "The birth spasm is near." " Beldar, once again, you have pulled me from the fire." " Yes" "Beldar, you have been working through your slar phase again." "Goz deprivation is not good." "But, this dwelling is no longer acceptable." "Even by Earth standards, it is not good enough for you and our young one." "We must strive to settle in a safer neighborhood, one with better schools and a stronger local economic matrix which will not tax us to death." "We are no better off than we were 2 zerls ago." "This 15 year-old ranch-style dwelling is available at $6,900 down with an assumable 9% fixed-rate mortgage." " But how?" "Our currency stock is insufficient." " Incorrect" "You have been working nights." "I have been saving." "Ah, I praise you, earthwoman." "My bluevarp has broken." "The birth spasm has begun." "Nothing to this." "Childbirth is a simple, gentle act of nature." "Yeah." "You just take care of Prymaat." "We'll get plenty of good pictures." "I hate you, Beldar!" "I hate you!" "1... 2... 3" "Get it off me!" "Breathe easy." "Okay, one good push." "It's so cute." "Would you like to cut the umbilical cord, Mr. Conehead?" "No, no hair and bring the top of the head up higher." "No, higher..." "like a point." "Sir, we have the analysis from Lexcon Labs on the card found at the subjects' dwelling." "No known language, script, or characters within the foreign catalog nationality encodes." "No, no." "You're not listening to me." "Look, here, you see where my hand is?" "That high." "What else?" "Okay, the lab did a study of the Mardi Gras costumes." "They contain fibers with 5 wholly unknown polymer strands." "Nothing like it anywhere." "So what are they saying?" "They're from another planet?" "That theory's been advanced, yes sir." "This is big." "This is really big." "Uh... permit me sir... should they in fact be, creatures from another planet, isn't that Air Force responsibility?" "If they're just visiting, sure." "But the moment they try to work here, they're mine." "Any sign?" "No, sir." "Nothing yet." "Wait." "Subject vehicle coming your way." "Copy, I have him in sight." "Go?" "No." "Go?" "No." "Now?" "Go." "Freeze!" "This isn't him." "What's going on here?" "Sir, look at this." "Where did you get this key chain?" "It was a gift." "From one of the finest men I've ever known." "And where is he now?" "He moved out a week ago." "I have no word from him." "I only wish I had more drivers like him." "Diligent, punctual, his cab invariably sweet-smelling." "Take him in and check him out." "Check him." "Turn around." "Find this insignia, find these illegals." "Hi there." "I'll take that." "Thank you." "Sir?" "Sir, good news from Washington." "Your promotion came through." "They must have loved your electrified border idea." "We knew they would." "On-Site Field Enforcement Head for the entire southwest." "Assistant Deputy Commissioner." "That should pay quite a bit more, shouldn't it, sir?" "What, are you kidding?" "An extra $1,500 a year." "Of course I'll take it." "Question." "About this DeCicco case." "We've already invested so many man-hours." "Who cares?" "Let the next guy handle it." "I'm out of here." "Ah, the morning consumption of mass quantities." "Grid-like breakfast slabs, extruded mammal tailings, seared strips of swine flesh, and flattened chicken embryos." "I will enjoy it." "What is a 7-letter word for a tomb in ancient Egypt which is a quadrilateral masonry mass having smooth steeply sloping sides meeting at an apex?" "A "flindar"." "Good morning, parental units." "Dawn greetings, young one." "What would you like for consumables?" "Pop-Tarts, chicken embryos, seasoned patties of ground animal flesh?" "I'm not really hungry." "Just some Tang." "Ah, Tang the drink the astronauts took to the moon." "Astronauts to the moon." "The Pro-shop called." "Your new putter has arrived." "Ah, my Hawk Tru-Flex Powerpoint with graphite shaft." "A secret of golf pros everywhere." "A truly manly putter." "What have you done to your cone!" "?" "Nothing." "No?" "Turn around." "It's not a real tattoo." "Mibs!" "Mibs!" "Unacceptable!" "It's just a decal." "Everyone's wearing them." "If everyone jumped into the bituminous cauldron, would you jump in too?" "I am not a little cone anymore, Dad!" "Maintain low tones with me." "Maintain low tones." "Now, go to the hygienic chamber and remove it." "Also, you are wearing far too much lip and cheek enhancement." "Mom?" "My makeup looks okay, doesn't it?" "Do not involve the approval of your other parental unit." "Now, if you wish to accompany me to the enclosed retail compound, you will make the necessary corrections and remove the decal." "Fine." "Beldar." "She looked like a common flathrag on payday." "I don't know what went wrong with these roses this year." "Maybe I need a gardener." "But sweetie, I'm not gonna pay some guy to dig in dirt." "Larry, I told you to take that thing to a professional, you'll save money in the long run." "Should have bought an electric one." "Beldar, is that you?" "Correct." "Bel..." "Pry." " Yeah, buddy, you got a minute?" " Of course." "The damn lawn mower won't start." "You know, you... you're so darned good with machinery..." "would you mind taking a look?" "I do not mind." "Greetings, Lisa." "Excellent crop of decorative growth." "You're being nice." "Yes." "Hmm... standard 3 horsepower internal-combustion chlorophyll stalk slicer." "There is fuel in the device?" "Oh yeah, yeah, there's plenty of gas in there, I just... can't get the damn thing to kick over." "Perhaps you and Larry will join us for consumption of mass quantities this weekend." "We will ignite our new flame pit and char some mammal flesh for you." "That sounds like fun." "I'll make some coleslaw." "Ahh, coleslaw." "We will enjoy it." "Thanks, Bels." "Connie, how are ya?" "Hi!" "Oh, my God!" "I love it!" "I'm so glad!" "Did you see him?" "Oh, there's a sale today." "Oh!" "Oh, this song!" "Sorry, it's not ready." "I do not understand." "I have returned at the agreed-upon time coordinates." "Well, I'm very sorry, Mr. Conhead." "Conehead." "The name is Conehead." "Well, uh, look, Mr. Conehead, we got a little backed up." "It took a little longer than we expected." "Unacceptable." "Not only have you delayed my departure from here, but the entire series of events which was to follow." "What reason could you have for such deception?" "Look, I don't know who you are or where you're from, but around..." "France." "We come from France." "Fine, sir." "The point is, it'll be ready when it's ready." "So, if you, wanna take a seat over there," "I'll call you when your car is finished." "I will comply." "What choice do I have?" "It is as if you have seized me at the base of my snarglies." "Hey, Ronnie." "What?" "I just have one question." "How could it take so long to do a simple alignment on an American sedan with standard rack and pinion steering and MacPherson struts when your garage is equipped with the proper Borg-Warner digital hydraulic radiometer?" "Maybe 'cause I was out back finishing a beer." "Okay" "Now, Deputy Commissioner Seedling, before this committee can recommend your appointment to the position of Commissioner, there's still several questions regarding your tenure as" "Mid-Atlantic District Chief we'd like answered this afternoon." "Well, Senator, that was a long time ago, and a very busy office." "I won't be able to recall everything that came across my desk." "Well, we won't be asking you about everything, just case number 889343-B, the so-called..." "Des..." "DeCicco." "DeCicco file." "Yes, I..." "I do remember that case." "In an unsuccessful pursuit, labeled by some as excessive, you authorized the expenditure of... a quarter of a million dollars to apprehend what you believed was an illegal alien from another planet?" "A spaceman?" "Excuse me." "Actually, Senator, I never said on the record that I thought they were spacemen, and the case is still open, and I..." "I feel that when we make this apprehension, the expense will be well-justified, is what I feel." "I can't believe my appointment's being held up" " by the piece of crap DeCicco case!" " Oh, I know." " I want the whole file put back in the system, flagged at red levels." " Yes sir, right away." "Why me?" "Why me?" "I don't know." " The system always screws the guy that works hard." " It's unfair." "It's not right." " The politicians now, they don't even care." " It's the system." "The phone's ringing." "The phone rings all the time." " No Eli..." " Oh, the phone." "I'll get it." "This guy's out there somewhere, and he's going to make a mistake, and when he does," "we'll nail him." "You know, I've never dated a girl taller than me before." "Oh, really?" "I've always been tall." "So, are both your parents from Europe, or..." "When did they come to America?" "Uh, before I was born." "Yeah, my Grandfather's from the old country." "Oh, really?" "Which one?" "I'm not sure." "One of the big ones." "Wow!" "My Mom's the only other woman I've ever known who could take a sandwich like that." "Are you going to eat that?" "No, no." "You're something special." "You know that?" "So, Beldar's giving this woman" "Beginners driving lessons for the 5th time, huh?" "That's interesting." "Interesting?" "Why is that interesting?" "I mean, the same woman." "Think about it." "The same woman." "It's been my experience the more you think about it, the more you probably should worry because... all men are pigs." "Ah, pigs - an omnivorous domesticated cloven hoofed vertebrate that defecates in the same place it consumes." "Exactly." "You should be very careful with Beldar." "He's got that continental accent that some women find irresistible." "I really like it when you watch me drive." "Whoops." "Watch it, lady!" "Funny, it's like you've been instructing me all my life, you know?" "Yeah, it's almost as if you've... controlled me completely." "Beldar, I just don't think I'm ready for this test yet." "I really don't." "I can't" " Oh, listen to me." "I'm okay." "I'm just... human, and I'm... weak." "Gladys!" "Look at me." "Oh, yeah." "I am your teacher." "You are my student." "It is natural that you harbor certain Feelings for your driving instructor." "But, you must understand nothing can come of this." "58 US dollars, please." "You are one of the finest men" "I have ever met." "When my species comes to rule this planet, your name will be on the protected roles, and you will come to no harm." "You are wise, but there's a sadness to your wisdom." "Ronnie, don't." "Please?" "Come on, Connie." "I've told you how I feel about you, doesn't that mean anything?" "It means a lot." "Well, it's like, I pick you up, I take you out," "I bring you home, we say good night, and you never kiss me." "What is there, somethin' wrong with me or somethin'?" "Of course not." "It's just... my parental units... well, we've never been really affectionate, and..." "I'm afraid I don't know how." "It's easy." "All you do is lean forward and kiss, like this." "Ronnie, don't." "Ronnie, I am not ready." "Oh, you're ready." "Don't." "Ronnie!" "Greetings." "How was your date with Ronnie?" "Daddy was right." "Earth boys only care about one thing." "You mean Ronnie was behaving like a flandap." "Flandap?" "Flandap-- an uninvited grasper of cone, a masher, a hustler." "Flandap?" "Hi, Mr. Conehead." " I find you unacceptable." " Yes, sir." "If I did not fear incarceration, by human authority figures," "I would terminate your life functions by applying sufficient pressure to your blunt skull so as to cause its collapse!" "Th-Thank you." "Do not worry about the flandap Ronnie." "You will not see him within the Laurel Hills quadrant again." "I cannot believe you did that." "You've ruined my life." "Young one, when we return to Remulak..." "I don't care about Remulak." "That stupid star cruiser is never coming anyway!" "But she said..." "I-I thought..." "I will attend to the young one." "Come in." "You know Connie, I read in a magazine you can talk to me about anything." "Mom... what does it feel like to... hone?" "Well, for me, the first time, it happened so fast," "I hardly knew I had honed at all." "and after that, it was more repetition than anything else." "Oh, my young one, your cone is changing, and you feel unsure." "How would you know what it's like?" "You've been married to Daddy for so long." "I was a young cone myself once." "Before I met Beldar, I was very attracted to a young Thorasian forger." "and as far as I was concerned, there was no other life force in the universe that mattered." "But then he got a job working at a volcano complex on some moon in the Bituminous Cluster" "I never saw him again." "and it broke my blood valve chamber." "I got over it, and it worked out for the best." "Because, then I met your Father." "And I knew then that I had found my true life mate." "I love you, Mom." "The currents of chromobonding between you and your parental units are infinite." "Mib!" "Good shot." "So, have you given any thought to what I said about, you know... hair?" "I do not understand." "Bel, it's me, Larry." "You don't have to pretend it doesn't bother ya." "You're a young man, my friend." "No reason for you to be skinny up top." "I'll let you in on a little secret." "Not all my own hair." "Hard to tell, isn't it?" "Only from very high altitude." "Well, I'll say no more." "Think it over." "Meanwhile, I'll be happy to introduce you to my man." " Thank you." " Hey, Mr. Conehead, way to blast out of the bunker, huh?" "It's me, Ronnie!" "I hope you didn't cut your hand when you tore open my car." "I'm fine." "Yes, thank you." "No problem." "Good-bye." "Okay" "Hey, chubby, come on." "All right, Conehead, that puts me 4 behind you at the turn." "Correct." "Hey, Mr. Conehead, I'm miserable." "I feel so bad for what I did." "It feels like somebody's ripping my guts out." "She won't take my calls." "Hey, kid, I'm not paying you to yak." "Buddy?" "What's with the head?" "Forget him, he's not a member." "That concludes the 1-meter competition." "Next will be the 3-meter board category" "The first diver for the home team, Connie Conehead." "You'll execute a 1-1/2 flip with a twist, and the head and body enter the water" " with as little splash as possible." " All right." "Good job." "Keep it up." "You've got one more dive." "Diving for Union High, Gail Jensen." "You were great." "I'm sorry about the other night." "I was a real jerk!" "Okay?" "Connie's our best hope for state championship finals." "Correct." "We believe this also." "You know, tell me if I'm wrong, but I don't think I ever seen you 2 at any of the parent meetings." "What committees are you on?" "You know, we still need volunteers for the homecoming gala." " Home..." " coming?" " Coming..." " home?" "Let's go Fight!" "Let's go Fight!" "Hey!" "Hey!" "Hey!" "Hi, look, I'm sorry if I..." "No, I mean, I shouldn't have been so..." "Hey, it was me." "Sometimes, I just..." "Me, too." "Me, too." "If I thought I did anything to..." "Oh, no." "You didn't." "I mean..." "I mean it." "Seriously?" "Yeah." "Wow." "Glad we talked." "And now, parents and students alike, if you will direct your attention to the sky above the playing field," "You will be treated to a display of amateur fireworks courtesy of Beldar Conehead," "Father of Paramus High's own Connie Conehead." "Careful there, Conehead." "Pretty cheap, Conehead." "Cigar?" "Is the light keeping you awake?" "No." "Your breathing has become erratic." "A torg for your thoughts?" "Beldar, are you content with me?" "Of course." "Why would I not be?" "Now, I would like to enter my slar phase." "Let us suppose for some reason my life function ceased." "What would you do?" "I would incinerate your carcass in the tradition of Obedai the Obtuse, and put it in a clean dry place." "Would you find a new genetomate to bring to our goz chamber and... propagate?" "Ah, my most precious one, I would collapse." "I would draw the shades and I would live in the dark." "I would never get out of my slarpad or clean my self." "My fluids would coagulate, my cone would shrivel and I would die, miserable and lonely." "The stench would be great." "Oh, Beldar, you have made me very happy." "Yes." "I know." "Good night." "Life on Earth is good." "I agree." "Stability and contentment have been achieved." "Lay by and put about!" "Lay by and put about!" "Attention!" "Return to your port of embarkation." "There is no work for you in the United States." "You have no job skills." "You will be a drag on our economy." "We appreciate your situation, but we have problems of our own." "Thank you." "Phone, sir." "Seedling here." "Sir, a fax came through on the secure channel." "I think we found him." "Don't toy with me, Eli." "This time, it had better be real." "Oh!" "Oh, hello, Mrs. Conehead." "I've been meaning to talk to you about the Christmas tree lighting ceremony." "We found someone else to head up that committee and won't be needing Mr. Conehead's services after all." "So, if you could just thank him for me." "He will be very disappointed." "I'm telling you, Bels, if you just stay on your game." "you could win that trophy this year." "A meaningless piece of metal and wood." "I compete only with myself." "I appreciate the game for its physics, its high level of skill, its self-control, and, of course, spirituality." "You're full of it, Conehead." "The only reason you're coming to the costume ball is 'cause you think you gotta shot at winning that trophy." "Negative." "Of course if I should win the trophy, I would accept it, with limited enthusiasm." "Ron." "Harv." "Beldar, what's happenin'?" "Hey, Conehead, what kinda costume are you wearing to the Halloween dance?" "I am not about to tell you, Harv." "Eh?" ""Consume alco-beverage." "Come get me!"" "Ah!" "Mai tai!" "I will enjoy it." "Greetings, earthman." "Huh." "Ah, hmm." "Ah, huh" "It is good to hone in places other than our goz chamber before slar phase." "Who said?" "Good Housekeeping" "What are they doing in there?" "Sounds like they stepped on a cat." "Convec 3." "Awaiting Commissioner Seedling." "Go ahead." "Yes sir." "We're on him, sir." "Don't make a move without me." "Roger, I understand." "No." "We won't make a move until you get here." "Greetings." "Hello there." "We just stopped by to introduce ourselves." "We're Jehovah's Witnesses." "How do you do." "I am Beldar." "We attend the Kingdom Hall on Coveneck Road." "Ah yes, next to the dry cleaners across from 7-11." " Exactly." "May we ask you a question?" " Proceed." "Do you agree that the world is headed towards a terrible calamity?" "Most definitely." "In fact, I have direct personal knowledge that this is so." "Great, may we come in?" "Of course." "Enter." "Assume comfort." "My mate Prymaat." "Greetings." "Be seated." "So, what do you know of the doom awaiting this planet?" "Well, as... as Witnesses, we believe that the end of the world is approaching and that only 144,000 people will be saved to rein." "I do not believe it will be that many." "Oh, no, the Bible clearly states 144,000 will be saved to rein." "That is a very optimistic estimate considering the primitive weapons the Earth people will use for their defense." "Some Earth weapons are not so useless." "Mibs, drop it." "Well, uh, when the time comes, no weapon of this earth shall avail mankind." " Correct." " Correct." "Where are you people from?" "France." "We come from France." "But we are American citizens now." "Do you have proof?" "Proof?" "Well..." "I'm going over to Christina's." "She's gonna give me a ride to the dance." " So, um..." "I'll see you there." " All right." "I take it your daughter was born here." "Yes." "She is native to your pla-- uh, country." "Scarle ma tibea meldow." "Scarle ma tibea meldow." "Beldar, phone for you." "Ah, tell the caller that I will return his call at my next earliest convenience." "No, Beldar." "The big phone." "The big ph" "I hope that you humans have enjoyed your visit!" "Come again now!" "You are leaving!" "We haven't finished!" "How did you arrive in this country?" " I think you are finished." " Thank you for coming." "I don't think they bought it, sir." "Well, you just can't talk religion with some people." "Woo!" "Connie!" "Ronnie's gonna give me a ride home tonight!" "so I won't need a ride, okay?" "Negative, young lady." "We must speak now." "It is imperative." "I have good news, my young one." "After zerls of waiting, our rescue vessel from Remulak is coming tonight." "What?" "You are finally going to see the unparalleled joys of your home planet." "I gotta tell Ronnie." "Irrational!" "You will tell no one." "What if I said I don't wanna go?" "Oh, my infinitely valuable incarnation, watching you grow up on this savage planet has caused me great pain." "Your young optic receptacles never having observed the sacred peaks of Arksnap, the crater of Kuldraf, the Margseoid Labyrinth." "I know." "I know." "and I'm sure it's all great, and I know that you don't believe me... but I'm in love with Ronnie." "Daddy, if you really care, you'll let me say good-bye to him." "Although my blood valve chamber weighs heavily with your feelings, tonight, we must remain together." "You're moving away tonight?" "I guess when you get the call to be the driver for the President of France, you gotta go." "I have to tell you something really important." "What is it?" "Not here." "We need to be alone." "All right!" "The awarding of the Fairfield Country Club Golfer-of-the-Year trophy..." "Not so fast, Carl." "for most-improved handicap through the season." "And the winner is..." "Beldar Conehead." "The daughter and boyfriend are on the move." "Ronnie." "Before we do anything at all, there's something I have to say." "I'm different from other girls." "I know." "That's why I love you." "Oh, Ronnie." "I cannot believe she left after you told her not to." "Something has corrupted her judgement." "When we get back to Remulak, I am grounding her for an entire zerl, and I mean it!" "Senso rings!" "Where did you get those?" "Under your bed." "Unacceptable!" "Your cone is too young!" "Get up!" "You're coming to Remulak right now!" "I am staying with Ronnie." "Maintain low tones." "Impossible, undesirable, inadvisable." "Then I'm coming with you." "I love you." "Mibs, human authority figures." "We must egress immediately." "It's over, Conehead!" "This is the INS!" "Come out with your hands up!" "You're under arrest!" "They're going for it!" "Cover him!" "Hold it right there!" "It's the boyfriend." "Sir, it's the boyfriend." "Oh, Beldar!" "Daddy!" "Nice maneuver, but it's all over, Conehead." "Beldar." "I think that is the Jehovah's Witness." "Let's cover him." "All right, hold on, everybody." "I love you, Ronnie!" "I love you, Connie!" "Back in the car, asshole." "Gorman, let go!" "Gorman, Gorman, I'm scared!" "You're not getting away this time, Conehead!" "You're completely surrounded!" "Put the car down!" "This is the ship's Captain." "Secure yourselves into the formflat." "Will initiate mentaglian surge as soon we go past the only moon on this planet." "No problem." "We have successfully passed their moon and are preparing now for mentaglian surge." "Remulak." "Conglariat prof, High Master," "I know every cone is allowed but 4 uses of the patumias pleasure spool, and I partook 6." "I realize the error of these actions, and I vow they will never be repeated." "I throw myself at your murtax." "Spathee!" "I realize the pleasure spools are a difficult temptation to resist." "Therefore, you will... narfle the Garthok!" "My God!" "You will, Survey Underlord Beldar Clorhorn and Marlax Zanthstrom from Frotroid Fuel Administration." "Kimglub amclab Marlax zim Beldar." "Ah, Beldar, survivor of the wilderness planet." "What offerings do you bring me from the conquered worldlet?" "Greetings, revered one." "Allow me first to present the gift of 2 living native beings from the planet." "You can do what you want to me, but I will not apologize for doing my job." "The United States of America can no longer solve the employment problems of the rest of the universe." "Silence the slave!" "Delightful." "They will make a fitting sacrifice to Kratnor." "What else did you bring me?" "A multitude of gifts from the blunt skulled civilization." "A tire iron with 4-way lug wrench." "An owner's manual for a Ford Lincoln Mercury Sable." "Ford Lincoln Mercury Sable?" "A personal conveyance named for its inventor, an assassinated ruler, a character of Greco- Roman myth, and a small fur-covered mammal" "And a dashboard icon." "This is all?" "Certainly not." "Some... chewing gum." "I am smarfed." "More than smarfed!" "Flarged by this!" "Beldar, come close." "Close!" "What have you done to your face portal?" "Huh?" "Your traals!" "Excellency, there is good reason!" "Beldar lived among the blunt heads so long, he had to adapt to survive." "He altered his traals." "It's known as dental bonding." "I do not care what it is known as, for the blunt skulls!" "Here it is known as treason." "Treason?" "Since it is the festival, it is at my discretion to settle things in the ancient ways." "Therefore, Beldar, you will... narfle the Garthok!" "I am no traitor!" "What's a Garthok?" "Every zerl since the ancient times, when the 3 moons aligned, the melded light of the crescents causes a Garthok to emerge." "So, what's a Garthok?" "Our seats used to be, way up in back." "These are much better seats." "That is a Garthok?" "You can really see it from this vantage." "These are very good seats, Marlax." "It is time." "I am Laktar, disgraced guardsman." "I am prepared to fight for my honor." "These are great seats." "I have learned much from watching the Garthok battle." "It has weaknesses." "When my turn comes, I believe I can take him." "Uh-huh and let me know when Elvis gets here." "You're next." "This is a first for me." "You're next." "No." "He's next." "No." "He said you are next." "No, but look, he is next, he is next" "You were ahead of me in the High Master's court, I do remember." " That was then, this is now!" " Nothing like a kalgard!" "You're next." "Daddy." "You call that narfling, Beldar?" "Sometimes I feel I want to" "Uh!" "Uh!" "Run away, I want to" "Uh!" "Uh!" "Get away" " from the pain..." " It's a song." "Big hit on Earth." "Uh!" "Uh!" "Part of me Uh!" "Uh!" "Mib!" "The day is yours, Beldar." "You have successfully narfled the Garthok." "Therefore, a request may be granted." "And I have such a request." "Speak freely." "That I be permitted to return to Earth, and upon my return," "I will conquer the planet Earth and enslave the blunt skulls in the name of my cone heritage!" "Very well." "Request granted." "I also wish to take the Earth slaves with me." "Nar, you may only take one slave." "Then, I take Seedling, the one with higher office." " Thank you!" " So be it!" "Ingrat." "Let it be written-- are you writing this?" "That Beldar shall return to the humo-carb planet, where he shall conquer the blunt skulls!" "This is my festival, yet I speak, and they do not hear." "No one listens." "They do not realize the degree of difficulty imposed upon me by my office." "Power is not easy." "I sit in judgment and rule." "That is all there is for me." " You have no interior life." " High Master..." "Hi there." "Why don't you let me take care of that." "He's having a really tough day." "Thank you." "Onglat, Prevnev, Remdrempt, Kraftnor-- attention all Battle Unit Commanders." "Entering outer atmospheres of target planet." "Hold your global ranging positions." "Arrange mizatym cannon." "Stand ready for my attack order." "The star fleet has entered the Earth's atmosphere." "They've entered the Earth's atmosphere." "The moment of glory is upon us." "Really big day for you, sir." "Landing enabled, arm cannon, verify global target." "Hold your weapons release until my order." "Warning!" "Warning!" "Danger to battle fleet!" "Presence of enemy laser gun emplacements in satellites detected!" " Proceed to secondary target" " Eh?" "Lorbslap!" "Warning!" "Warning!" "Danger to battle fleet." "Danger to battle fleet." "Lorbslap!" "Lorbslap!" "Lorbslap!" "Quickly, my family, run, run!" "Your happiness and positive perception of me is vital to my existence." "Besides, it's not every day that a Father can give the world to his child." "I love you, Daddy." "Whoa!" "Beldar's life functions have ceased." "The Earth weapons have silenced him." "He died bravely in battle." "There is no death more glorious." "He will be missed." "He will walk with the chosen." "Super guy." "I make this proposal to you, Earth creature!" "Your life in exchange for a green card." "Agreed." "Provided you can demonstrate a special job skill that no US citizen possesses." "That should present no challenge to me." "I have no objection." "Good!" "Move!" "Good evening, Mr. Conehead, Mrs. Conehead." "Good evening, Ronnie." "Welcome." "Enter." "You look handsome, yet uncomfortable, in your pubescent ceremonial garb." "Yeah." "You mean my tux, right?" "Correct." "Connie is completing her beautification ritual." "I will summon her." "Ronnie, may I have 55 words with you?" "The frightening statistics of young earthlings mangling themselves in internal-combustion vehicles on the night of prom ritual makes me insist that we use maximum safety awareness." "Return at the predesignated time coordinates and in fact, take my car." "Its reinforced alloy superstructure is far superior to that of your rusted-out shit box." "Gee, thanks, Mr. Conehead." "Hi, Ronnie." "Hi, Daddy." "This is for you." "Thanks." "Present yourselves for image emulsification." "Say "lactate extract of hoofed mammals."" " Cheese." " Cheese." "Excellent!" "Good night, Mr. And Mrs. Conehead." "Good night." "Good night." "Night!" "Ah, memories." "We will enjoy them."