"I'm not sick, but I'm not well" "And I'm so hot" "Cos I'm in hell" "Oh, man, record company meeting." "Finally!" "Yeah, but we got to watch it." "A lot of these bastards just want to give you an advance, promote your stuff, then make a profit for them and you." "Yeah, but we've got an in." "Pej's sister's mate in the legal department." "Once you're inside legal, that's it." "Game over." "Jeremy." "Super Hans." "I'm Cally." "Sorry I'm late, mental in the office." "I'm finishing the Chemical Brothers' contract." "Chemical Brothers?" "Wow." "So, I checked out your stuff on MySpace and I literally freaked." "Big time." "See?" "I was so right to get us on the internet." " The internet's gonna be massive." " Yeah, we'll see." "Plus, I love your name." "We've changed the name." "We're now Kersey's Metal Hands." "I like it." "So, the good news is, Universal aren't interested." "Oh." "But I'm looking to source my own acts, branch out, and I'd love to sign you up." "The timing's perfect because we're about to start a new financial year." "Any questions?" "There are countries within the European Union that I'm barred from entering." " You got a problem with that?" " No." "I'm a very sexual performer." "Are you gonna be able to handle that?" "Yes!" "So, I want a yes or no right now." "Take your time, but if there's a lot of fucking about, that for me is a bad sign." "Right, OK." "'Wow!" "We've finally met the man." "And the man is a woman, and he's hot!" "'" "What do you think?" "Is she for real?" "I don't know." "It's hard to tell." "She looks like how you might think one of them might look like." " We don't know anything about her." " She scares me." "I don't trust her." "Let's fucking go for it!" "Great night out." "You guys know how to celebrate." "'God, we're so horny." "'We're like a pair of porn stars who aren't on antidepressants, or anything. '" " So, this is where the magic happens." " That's right." "HE PLAYS SEVERAL NOTES" " And you're the magician." " I guess so." "I'm a bit magic." "Would you be able to show me some magic?" "'OK, here we go." "God, we are so hot after the cab." "'I wonder if I'll be able to do all the stuff she was whispering in my ear." "'Might need a good foothold somewhere or a harness." "Is this a good idea?" "'Drunk sex with my new manager?" "Yeah!" "Yeah, it's probably a good idea." "'There'd only be a problem if there were complications." "'There aren't going to be complications." "Relax!" "'Wow!" "This is definitely happening." "OK, got to focus." "'Lt's very important for my future career development 'that I give my manager an orgasm. '" "Stop dicking around, Jeremy, let's get going!" "'OK, I'd like more foreplay, but apparently I have to perform on demand." "'Don't be bitter." "This has got to be great." "'Brilliant sex then novelty bong then watch a film together." "'Lf Mark's got around to buying a new Scart lead, that is." "'Maybe if we got another Scart lead," "'I could use it to plug the Digibox into the VHS player, 'record straight onto that." "'Or I could use the analogue aerial into the video and off that... '" " Jeremy." " Yeah?" " Do you think this is going well?" " Ye... um..." "Yes?" "Nope, it's not really working." "Oh, I... thought it... was." "What's working about it?" "Well, now we're talking about it, it is maybe withering under the lights a little bit." "Let's not kid ourselves." "There's nothing going on here." "We're just two planks of wood rubbing against each other." "Do you think?" "If you want, I could put a finger..." "Let's forget this happened and get some shuteye, yeah?" "Oh..." "OK." "'Ohh!" "This is like the time I made Mark turn that boring DVD off in the middle." "'The Killing Fields." "'This is probably how he felt - frustrated and horny. '" "'Jeremy's getting a manager, I'm getting divorced." "'Maybe he'll end up happy and successful and I won't." "'That would be typical." "I do everything society demands and die in a ditch." "'He sits on his arse and accidentally shits a golden egg!" "'" "You must be Mark." "I'm Cally, got any OJ?" "Oh, hi." "Yeah, I think there's some in the fridge." "'Oh, Jesus, hope I'm not wearing the boxers with the button missing." "'Don't think so - think I have coverage. '" "Tropicana - nice." "Screw the rest, get the best." "I like Original." "Jeremy prefers Smooth, but I'm the one buying." "Don't tell me he's a smooth peanut butter man, too?" "That's right." "It isn't as good, is it?" "'Is there a button there?" "Sitting's gonna pull the thing wide open if not." "'Maybe it's sexy." "Little glimpse of ball sack. '" "My date tomorrow night's cancelled on me." "He's back with his ex." "But I thought..." "Aren't you and Jeremy..." "Jeremy and I aren't dating." "We're strictly business." "Aren't we, Jeremy?" "Um... yeah." "He's great, but he's really not my type." "Jeremy's the kind of guy who talks the talk, but he's just never gonna deliver the goods..." "Isn't that right?" "It's so frustrating." "There must be thousands of cash-rich and time-poor singles out there." "I just don't have the time to meet them." "I'm a gap in the market." "Somebody fill me!" "'I'll fill you!" "I love you, Cally, you are The One!" "'Let's get married by Sir Alan Sugar and live off croissants in Canary Wharf!" "'" "Better make a move." "So, Jez, good news." "I'm sending them a CD, but looks like you're playing the New Axe Tent at Festivus." "Really?" "!" "Festivus!" "I'm playing the Wolverhampton Festivus." "Oh, my God, Mark, I'm in the money!" "Everything's gonna be all right!" "I am going to be a legend." "And you and all of this depressing shit will just be a little footnote in the massive blog of how rich and fucked up I eventually became!" "Oh, man, we're actually going on tour." "It'll be brutal." "On the way here I was almost wishing I'd get hit by a bus - for my body's sake - so it didn't have to suffer the hell I'm gonna put it through." " What sort of stash have you brought?" " What, you kidding?" "A band does not take a stash to a fest." "You are a VI-motherhumping-P." "Just open your gob and someone will slip in something tasty." "A pill, a nipple, bit of fried halloumi." "Lovely!" "Cool." "What's those?" "Something a bit red-hot for down time?" "Don't pigeonhole me, dude." "Barchester Chronicles." "Ecclesiastical politics when you're high." "These guys really knew how to do a fucking number on each other." "Hello, hello." "Room for one more?" "No." "What?" "!" "Got a couple of days off round the weekend, so thought I'd tag along." "But..." "No, Mark." "We're going on tour." "We're going to get fucked up and monged out and messed up and dipped over." "We wanna wallow in our own filth, Mark." "Have a good old fucking wallow." "But I've bought a tour jacket especially." "It's leather, and it has lapels, so I can wear it to work." "If you start working for the Gestapo." "Look, man, we're a rock band, yeah?" "If people see us hanging out with a donk like you - not being rude..." "You are being rude." "...then that takes away our credibility." " You got a bloody suitcase on wheels." "Real men don't get the Earth to help carry their luggage." "They carry it themselves." "This is because of Cally, isn't it?" "That's why you want to come." "Have a pop at the champ." "No, not at all." "I've always been a big supporter of you and your music." "Please, Jez." "I'm getting divorced, I need something to pep me up." "I could do with a roadie." "Someone to pick the lovelies after the gig." "Hump the gear." "Sniff out the street chat." "Exactly." "Drugs, birds and physical labour." "Them's me specialties." "All right, you can come, but all the time while we're on tour, you will need to shut up." "All right?" "'Look at her go." "Two phones, spare battery for her BlackBerry." "'No I'm-out-of-juice bullshit from her!" "She is so The One. '" "So, guys, good news about Festivus." "They listened to your CD and they loved it and they don't want you to play the fest." " What?" "I've pulled in a massive favour and I've got you on the bill at Life '08- one of the fastest-growing Christian rock festivals out." "Christian?" " You've booked us to play a Jesus fest?" " It's a great circuit to get on." "What do you think, Jez?" "It is still a fest." "Yeah, but we're cool." "We've got credibility." "If we play a Jesus gig, we'll be selling our souls." "Yeah, but Jesus is the best person to sell your soul to." "That's his whole set-up." " I vote you go for it." " Well, I vote no." "Let's call it off." " OK, one V one." "Mark?" " From a business point of view..." ""From a business point of view!" Since when did the roadie have voting rights?" "I don't tell you how to run your sweat shops in Burma." "Keep your beak out." "Super Hans, looks like you've got the casting vote." "Executioner's Bong did a bit of Christo." "Now they all live in a fuck-off bungalow in Fort Lauderdale eating cherry pie and banging cheerleaders." "I'm in." "I think you made the right decision." ""I think you made the right decision!"" "Jeremy, we agreed not to do the funny voices after that week." "Drink, drink, drink, drink!" "'Two litres of supermarket cola." "I'd like to see Sting do this. '" "Drink, drink, drink!" " That is one serious caffeine injection." " Yeah, man." "It's not such drag, the fest being drink and drugs free after all!" "Word up." "But we still get monged." "Just have to use our imagination." "What are you..." "Hans, are you?" "Head rush." "Safe!" "Hi, could you give my mate's CD to your record company?" "'Hm, sexy Christian disciples. '" "Groupies." " What are you gonna do?" " She's not really a groupie." "She spoke to the group, she's a groupie." "Hey, hold on, girls, we're gonna make a spliff out of nutmeg and banana peel." "The shit under my fingernails has probably got loads of gear in it." "It's great they're doing this." "You know the download market alone for Christian rock is estimated at 40 million plus." " I put together a bit of research on..." " Wow!" "Laminated cover, copyright symbol, I'm impressed." "Thank you." "This is interesting." "What did you think of the rehearsal?" "Honestly." "Actually, one thing did occur." "Not wanting to be horrible to Jeremy, but Super Hans did seem more like the kind of person you'd expect to see in a band like this." " He's fuckable." " I'm sorry?" "It's an industry term." "It means someone might want to fuck him." "Forefront Super Hans, sideline Jeremy." "No, I didn't mean..." "I just meant..." "I thought you were a business brain, Mark, but you're better than that." "You're what my grandma would call a real piece of shit." " Yeah?" " It's a great plan." "Hans is the star, Jeremy's a second stringer." "Let's fuck him." "That's our dick, that's Jeremy's arsehole, we're fucking him." "Look, Cally, we don't have a shared dick." "Not yet, anyway." "How do you mean?" "Do you want to date?" "Are you a dater?" "I have been out with women, so I guess..." "Friend of mine's doing a talk over at a hippie shop in Ludlow, said I might pop in." "Wanna come?" "OK." "Sure." "'Wow, I've got a date." "'I'm a real piece of shit." "'I bet those two things go hand in hand." "'Bet if I got it defrauding pensioners, the pussy would really start rolling in. '" "Oh, my God." "I'm so embarrassed I brought you to this." "Past-life regression - what a load of bullshit!" "It's fine, it was fun." "People always say they were, like, Napoleon or an Aztec princess." "Come on." "Where are all the Chinese peasants?" "Where are the German toilet cleaners?" "'God, I can't believe I'm dating someone I really like." "'I've done it right!" "I've done it right for once!" "'" "Hey, check out the crystal skulls." " Oh, God!" " I've read loads of books about them." "'She's funny. '" "They were probably crafted by the ancient inhabitants of Atlantis." "They're powerful centres of healing." "'Ls she still joking?" "'" "Oh, right, fascinating theory." "Oh, come on, Mark!" "The other stuff, no, but the skulls?" "How could you possibly make one of these except by some kind of magic?" "In a factory?" "From glass?" " Oh, sure." "Come on!" "Could you make that?" " No." " Could anyone?" " Yes." "Look, Mark, this is important to me." "If we're going anywhere," "I need you to tell me you believe in crystal skulls." "'Please don't make me believe in them!" "'" " Do you believe?" "I do believe in crystal skulls." "And what do you believe about them?" "I believe that they were crafted by the ancient inhabitants of Atlantis and that they're powerful centres of healing." "Yeah!" "That wasn't so hard, was it?" "Mwah!" "'Sorry, science." "Sorry, Enlightenment." "Sorry, logic. '" "'Well, that was great... 'apart from the crystal skull sending out its invisible rays of bullshit." "'I think that might be my best ever sexual experience!" "'" "OK, I think we have to have a talk." "About the whole thing." "I'm sorry, the whole?" "The whole sexual experience." "I have to say that was very disappointing." "Oh, right." "I don't mean to be rude, but is that the kind of thing you usually do?" "Well, I suppose... in general..." "What exactly did I do... wrong?" "It was better than with Jeremy, though." "I had to stop him in the middle." "You stopped Jeremy in the middle?" "Sorry, is this weird for you?" "Do you want to know?" "I do... a bit." "He's like a red setter bounding after a tennis ball." "You're like a captain solemnly going down with his ship." "Well... well, that's good to know." "But we can try again if you're prepared for me to tell you exactly what to do." "That could be a good system." "OK, now I'm gonna take your hand and put it... there." "Are you OK with that?" "Yeah." "Now, I want you to move your hand around like this." "You can do that, right?" "It's easy." "Not a problem." "'Ls this humiliating?" "'Lt is a bit humiliating." "'I guess the upside is that what I was doing before 'was humiliating in a way I wasn't even aware of. '" "OK, good!" "Let's begin the sex!" "I'll drive." "'Oh, my God, this is brilliant!" "'I'm a sex robot servicing The One." "I always wondered what my fetish was 'and it seems what truly turns me on 'is being basically absent for most of the sex act. '" "'Look at them all, the Christians." "'Lt's not fair." "I could be that happy if I believed a lot of rubbish. '" "So, listen, Hans and I have had a big chat and we're really into your idea." "What idea?" "Getting rid of Jeremy." "That wasn't..." "My idea was more throw a bit more light on Hans and maybe give Jez a tambourine." "Imagine you have a chocolate bar and half of it was made of delicious milk chocolate and the other half was made of human shit, wouldn't you break off the half made of shit?" "I really don't think that's a fair analogy." "CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" "'Is that Jeremy?" "'Ls he getting baptised?" "'I can't let him out of my sight for a minute!" "Damn!" "The contract - the Chemicals have read the appendix." "I need to get on this." "I've got to get back." "Would you do me a huge one and tell Jeremy he's not playing tonight?" "What?" "No, no!" "It's not my job, you're the manager." "I'm just the roadie." "It'll be better from you." "You'll say better lies about him not being terrible." "Plus, real world, I might not make the gig." "Pick you up at five." "'God, I'm the messenger." "Somebody shoot the messenger!" "'" "Hey, Mark!" "I just got baptised." "This is Ronnie, he was my baptiser." "... Thanks, Ronnie." " Peace be with you, Jeremy." " Peace be with you too, Ronnie." "The organisers were keen for me to get it done before the show." "Initially, I was a bit iffy, but then I thought, "Gig in front of hundreds of people?" "Fuck it!"" "Plus, there's like maybe a 1% chance that the whole Jesus thing could be true - sorry - in which case I've got something to pull out the bag on Judgment Day." "Yes..." "Right." "'Just walk him into the car park and shoot him in the back of the head." "'I'm Tony Soprano, he's an FBI stripper. '" "I'm really looking forward to the gig tonight after all." "If Super Hans is into it, then I'm into it." "Everything's coming together, everything's finally, definitely gonna be OK!" "'Oh God, he's on a raft, floating towards Niagara Falls, 'flicking through Heat magazine with one hand down his trousers." "'I've got to tell him. '" "Look, Jez." "There's something I need to tell you." "It's not good news." "Um..." "Cally told me..." "She and Super Hans, they want..." "You're out of the band." "Me, out the band?" "What the fuck?" "'Might slip this one under the rug while he's still reeling. '" "Yeah, cos we're going out, and she told me she'd had this idea, and I said, "No, don't. " That's what I said..." "You're screwing Cally?" "I'm out of the band?" "They can't just do this to me, can they?" "'Hm." "Seemed to get away with the Cally thing. '" " You'll have to break up with her." " What?" "Oh..." "No, Jez!" "She's trying to shaft me, Mark." "You've got to dump her, it's a no-brainer." "It is not a no-brainer." "I'll have to think about it." "It's a brainer, it's a real brainer." "See, the thing is..." "I don't think I've ever done sex right before." "You're fine, mate." "Just stick with missionary." "You're a sexual civilian." "Leave the disgusting stuff to me." "Cally's teaching me." "She..." "She gives me second-by-second detailed instructions of what to put where for how long." "That's cheating." "Anyone can please a woman if she tells you what to do." "You're not allowed to ask, that's the point!" "If I break up with her, I don't see myself having good sex again." "Unless I'm, like, going on holiday to Hawaii and the plane crashes and all my fellow survivors are women sex therapists on their way to a conference." "There'll probably be male sex therapists there, too, and they'd love that!" "All fucking each other and give each other tips while I sit on a rock, wanking and crying." "Yeah, whatever." "Let's talk to Hans." "If we can get him onside, then maybe you can keep your pathetic nookie lessons going." "So... did Cally tell you about her and me much?" "No." "God, no." "Don't worry." "Nothing like that." "'She stopped him in the middle!" "I'll save that for a rainy day." "'That's money in the bank. '" "Right, what the fuck's going on?" "Where's Cally?" "Why have you got drugs?" "Cally came through with a bit of herb the Christos keep on the down-low." "Bishopweed." "Cally told Mark I'm out of the band." "What the hell's going on?" "It's a disgrace." "I'm cut up about it." "I told Cally." "I said, "For me, this is almost a resigning matter. "" " Right." "So, are you going to walk?" " Almost did, mate." "Almost fucking did." "I kicked off big time." "Then I thought, "Maybe I can work from the inside. "" "No point in both of us getting kicked out the band." "But we are the band." "Look, all I'm hearing is that you're out the band." "That's what everyone's saying, all I'm hearing. "Jez is out the band. "" " Now you're saying it." " I'm quoting." "Look, man." "I'm really gutted, but me and Tara want to kick back with a bit of Barchester." "So maybe you should fuck off." "Right." "If that's the way it is, fine." "Can I take a bit of drugs?" "Love to, mate." "Love to, but this is all mine and I want it all, so... got to be a no." "Fucking hell." "Maybe it's for the best, though, Jez." "Maybe, solo, you can do all the things you've always wanted." "That rap thing with Howard Marks." "I've got to talk Cally round." "You can be my spin doctor, tell her why I'm brilliant, why I'm so essential to the band." "OK, sure." "Just remind me again, why you are so brilliant?" "I mean, I know why, but it's good to have sound bites." "Cally!" "Cally!" "No, Jeremy, you can't just..." "'Shit." "He's entering the chamber, 'the sacred chamber of satisfactory sex. '" "Jeremy, let's just go." "Or you could leave her a very frank note." "Or... we could piss on something." "No, Jez." "Yes, Mark." "Come on, it's all fucked." "This is rock'n'roll." "She screwed me over, now it's her turn." "Let's fuck this place up." "We're the hammer of the gods!" "'Oh yeah, take that, teabag tin. '" "Jez, no!" "She smashed my dreams, let's smash her caravan!" "Come on!" "'I could make the best of it, go for a freebie on the skull." "'He'll get the blame, I'll bank mate points." "I'm golden." "'Ha-ha!" "Unlucky, pal." "I win!" "'" "Oh, fuck!" "'The revenge of Atlantis. '" "Oh, this feels good." "This just feels so right, you know?" "Jez, how long are you gonna keep going with the orgy of destruction?" "I'd rather not be here when she turns up." "Oh, yeah, man." "No, you go." "I'm gonna stay." "I'm gonna see the look on her face." "No-one screws with the Jez man." "'Hope she's not too upset." "Fuck it!" "'Lf it's healing powers are so legendary, it can fix itself. '" "'Christian security?" "What's he gonna do?" "Excommunicate me?" "'This is gonna be good." "Rub her double-crossing face in it. '" " Jez, I've been looking for you." " I'm sure you have." "I got a call from Super Hans." "He's having an ego attack." "He's driving to Festivus with all the windows down, shouting his own name." "Reckons he'll make a supergroup out of Hard-Fi and Kaiser Chiefs." "He's talked about that before." "So, the thing is, do you want to play the gig, solo?" "Well, yes!" "Brilliant." "So, let's talk set lists." "There's something you should know." "'Am I gonna do this?" "'" "Mark." "He went mental." "Oh, my God!" "'It's a mess. '" "What the hell happened?" "This is classic Mark, I'm afraid." "He does this sort of thing the whole time." "He's passive-aggressive." "He won't say anything, he just smashes." "But my skull, my crystal skull!" "Yeah." "He hates the skulls." "He smashed it and then cut his hand in a kind of mad fury." "God!" "How could he?" "Well, he hates being told what to do in bed." "He hates you for pushing me out of the band." "I was, like, "Dude, these things happen. " But he was like, "No-o-o!"" " That's when he did the eggs." " Really?" "Yeah." "He's weird, twisted, vindictive." "He draws horrible cartoons of you and then wraps them up in sausage meat and calls you a sausage-muncher." "Jesus!" "On the bright side, he wanted to shit on the sofa but I managed to stop him." "'First proper gig." "Dicked over Mark, but that's fine." "'This is worth it." "He's what it's all about." "'He's having a great time. '" "'Ah, there she is." "'Leaving with The One." "'Not a bad weekend, all told." "'Got myself a girlfriend, had the best sex of my life, 'did my bit to delay the dawning of the Age of Aquarius 'with my trusty friend, the house brick." "'She's giving me the finger." "'The One is giving me the finger." "'Ah, yes, that's more like it." "The One is gone." "'The familiar gut-punch of pain and confusion is back." "'Hello, old friend. '" "Paranoia, paranoia" "Everybody's comin' to get me" "Just say you never met me" "I'm runnin' underground with the moles, digging' holes"