"We are gathered here today to immortalize in song the life and untimely death of a great legend." " Rango." " So sit back, relax, and enjoy your low-calorie popcorn and assorted confections while we tell you the strange and bewildering tale of a hero who has yet to enter his own story." "Crunchy, creamy, cookie, candy, cupcake." "Okay, everybody, let's take it from the top." "The stage is set, the night moist with apprehension." "Alone in her chamber, the princess prepares to take her own life." ""It is far better to nourish worms than to live without love."" "She reaches for the poisoned chalice." "Meanwhile, the wicked Malvolio plots his ascension to the throne while her aging father lies gravely ill." ""Yes, I am gravely ill."" ""Hark, who goes there?"" "'Tis I, the much-anticipated hero, returning to rescue his emotionally unstable maiden!" "Unhand her, you jailers of virtue, or taste the bitter sting of my vengeance!" "The sting of my..." "Dr. Marx?" "Dr. Marx, I'm not getting anything from you." "People, we've talked about this." "Acting is reacting." "Victor, you were wooden!" "There, I said it." "Mr. Timms?" "You were good." "Perhaps a little too good." "What's that, Victor?" "My character's undefined?" "That's absurd." "I know who I am." "I'm the guy, the protagonist, the hero." "Every story needs a hero." "I mean, who else is better qualified to bask in the adulation of his numerous companions?" "The stage is waiting." "The audience thirsts for adventure." "Who am I?" "I could be anyone." "I could be the sea cap'n returning from a mighty voyage to reclaim his mechanical arm!" "Or I could be the rogue anthropologist, battling pythons down in the Congo!" "Down, Chongo, down!" "And if you desire romance," "I will become the greatest lover the world has ever known!" "I couldn't help but notice you noticing me noticing you." "You know, the womens find me uncomfortably good looking." "But you seem remarkably at ease." "Stop it." "No, really." "Well, if you must." "What are you doing?" "That tickles." "Are those real?" "That's it!" "Conflict." "Victor, you were right." "I have been undefined." "People, I've had an epiphany." "The hero cannot exist in a vacuum!" "What our story needs is an ironic, unexpected event that will propel the hero into conflict!" "Mr. Timms?" "That's right!" "You!" "Don't be shy." "Come on." "It's okay." "That's it, a little closer." "Good." "I won't bite you." "I need a little help here." "Are you okay?" "I must get to the other side." "The other side?" "You mean, just now, that was you crossing the road?" "That's why the..." "Why'd you do that?" "This is my quest." "He waits for me." "What?" "Who?" "The Spirit of the West, amigo." "The one." "They say he rides an alabaster carriage with golden guardians to protect him." "What are you talking about?" "Enlightenment." "We are nothing without it." "Nothing?" "Your delusional quest just ruined my life!" "I had an incredibly complex social network going!" "Highly sophisticated friends!" "I was very popular!" "Friends?" "I don't see no friends." "You are a very lonely lizard." "Look, I need water, hydration." "My teeth are chapped." "I need lotion." "I'm down to one layer of skin already." "Pretty soon, I'm going to start seeing my insides." "Not unlike what you've got going there." "Listen, I can't survive in the desert, okay?" "I..." "I don't belong here." "That may be true, but here you are." "Now help me up and I will help you find what you seek." " You will?" " And perhaps more." "Quickly." "I must get back to my quest." " You mean you've done this before?" " Yes." "Many times." "Come, come." "That's it, pull my finger." "The Spirit is waiting for me." "Okay, okay." "Okay." "That's not going to work." "I must get to the other side." "Why don't you just wait until there are no cars coming?" "It's not so easy as it looks." "What?" "Is a metaphor." "There's another one!" "I knew it." "You need a little help, amigo?" "I think the metaphor broke my spleen." "The path to knowledge is fraught with consequence." "I'm just looking for the path to water." "If you want to find water, you must first find Dirt." "Dirt." "Destiny, she is kind to you." "Tomorrow is Wednesday." "The water comes." "At noon, the townspeople gather for a mysterious ritual." "A town?" "You mean, with real people and everything?" "Where?" "A day's journey." "Follow your shadow." "You want me to just walk out into the desert?" "That's the way." "Okay." "So you're saying there's a town, a real town, not a metaphor town." "Go on." "It's okay." "Okay." "Well, then, I'm going." "I am leaving the road now!" "I'm walking into the desert!" "Alone!" "We all have our journeys to make!" "I will see you on the other side." "Welcome, amigo" "To the land without end" "The desert and death" "Are the closest of friends" "We sing of his courage" "In magnificent song" "But pay close attention" "He won't be here long" "As the birds pluck his eyes The sun bleaches his bones" "See his entrails get scattered Watch him lose his cojones" "Here in the Mojave Desert, animals have had millions of years to adapt to the harsh environment." "But the lizard?" "He is going to die." ""Four score and seven years ago, our fathers..."" " Don't move." " What?" " Don't move!" " Not moving." "Not moving." "Try to blend in." "Blend in?" "What do you mean?" "Blend in." "What are you saying?" " Too late." " No, no." "It's not too late!" "I'm blending!" "I'm a blender!" "Hey, calm down!" "What are you doing?" "Stop moving!" "Try not to look conspicuous." " What are you doing?" " I'm blending." " Go blend somewhere else." " Don't distract me." " No room at the inn." " It's an art, not a science." " Find your own hiding place." " No, this is good." "Here she comes!" "You better run, Mojito!" " What?" "I thought you said, "Don't move."" " That was before." "Now, you run." "Oh, hey." "Proboscis." "Testy." "Please, no, please." "I have vertigo!" "My glands are swelling!" "Please, no." "You!" "I'll kill you!" "You stupid lizard!" "Get out of there." "I'm going to strangle your huevos!" "Big bird!" "Big bird!" "No, wait!" "Come back!" "I was just kidding!" " Come on, we're friends, right?" " I don't know you!" " Lizards, frogs..." " Find your own hiding place!" " We're practically related!" " No room at the inn!" " Come on, move over!" " You're not my friend!" "I'll let you kiss my sister!" "You son of a..." "Where are your friends now, amigo?" "Get your slimy-webbed phalanges off my boots!" "Sorry." "I got a bead on you, stranger." "So you get up real slow lessen you want to spend the better part of the afternoon putting your face back together!" " No, ma'am, I don't." " Who are you?" " Who am I?" " I'm asking the questions here!" "Our town is drying up." "We're in the middle of a drought." "Now someone's dumping water in the desert!" "It's a puzzle of undeterminable size and dimension, but I intend to find out what role you playing in all this." " Role?" " What are you involved in?" "Well, I'm glad you asked." "I've got two one-acts, a mystery and a musical I've been gestating." "I got the words, I'm just working on the melody right now." "It's like a..." "I think it's gonna be a western." "A monkey got a cracker His mother was a slapper" "She'll be coming 'round the mountain in the rain" "You ain't from around here, are you?" "I'm still working on it." "So, what's your name?" " Beans." " That's a funny kind of name." "What can I say?" "My daddy plumb loved baked beans." "Well, you're lucky he didn't plumb love asparagus." "What are you saying?" "I mean, I enjoy a hearty puttanesca myself, but I'm not sure that a child would appreciate the moniker." "My daddy was a great man, even if he did exhibit a proclivity for legumes." " Spicy." " You're eating his ashes!" "You carry his remains?" "No, his ashes." "He loved to smoke." "They never found the body." "Well, I'm sure he had his reasons." " What are you implying?" " Nothing." "My daddy was never near that mine shaft." "He'd been sober for over a month!" "And for you to insinuate that he would abandon his parental responsibilities at a delicate time in my personal development is an affront to my sense..." "Miss Beans?" "Miss Beans?" "Hello?" "Hello?" "And until the people of Andromeda Five return him safe and sound, I will not sell my ranch!" " What..." "What are you doing?" " What are you doing?" " What am I doing?" " You're cuddling me." " You were frozen." " I was not." "Yes, you were." "You stopped talking." "It's a defense mechanism." "Actually, lots of lizards have it." "You're making that up." "So, you gonna die out here, or you want a ride into town?" "No, no, no." "Yeah." "No." "Yes, please." "Thank you." "Sorry." "Today's Wednesday." "Wednesday's when we all get to it." "So who are you, really?" "Well, I'm a man of many epithets." "There's my stage name, my pen name, my avatar." "I had a pseudonym once, but I had it legally changed." "And so the stranger, seeking companionship, finds the woman, much like the sirens of ancient times luring him to his certain demise." "...nom de plume, I have a CB handle." "I'm actually one of the few men with a maiden name." "Whoa!" "Well, here we are." "Right." "Well, I sure do appreciate this, Miss Beans," " and if there's ever anything that I..." " Get on up!" "Okay, then!" "See you, Beans." "You heading out, Jim?" "Well, we gave it our best shot." "We had to sell out." "Can't grow no crops without no water." "Bye, now!" "What is it?" "What was that for?" "You're funny looking." "Oh, yeah?" "Well, you're funny looking, too." " That's a funny-looking shirt." " That's a funny-looking dress." " You got funny-looking eyes!" " You got a funny-looking face!" "You're a stranger." "Strangers don't last long here." "Here's your beans, Beans." "I'm gonna need some more feed, too, Willie." "Now, Beans, you owe me three quarts already." "I can't give you more credit." "But I'll have what I owe you at noon." "You don't understand." "It's Mr. Merrimack down at the bank." "He cut off all credit." "Hey, Beans!" "Beans!" "You know that there fella?" "Hey, Beans!" "Miss Beans!" "Nope." "Hey, Beans!" "Hey." "Right." "Blend in." "Yeah, blend in." "I'd like a glass of water." "He wants a glass of water!" "Make it a double!" "Give him the spittoon!" "Cactus juice." "That's what we got." "Hey, there, fruit cup." "You're a long ways from home, ain't ya?" "Who exactly are you?" "Who am I?" "I could be anyone." "What's the matter?" "You missing your mommy's mangos?" "As a matter of fact, I am." "But not as much as your daddy's cooking!" "Exactly where did you say you were from?" "Me?" "I'm from the West." "Out there, beyond the horizon." "Past the sunset." "The Far West." "Yeah, that's right, hombres." "The place I come from, we kill a man before breakfast just to work up an appetite." "Then we salt him, and we pepper him." "Then we braise him in clarified butter." "And then we eat him." " You eat him?" " That's what I said!" "Hell, I seen things make a grown man lose control of his glandular functions!" "You spend three days in a horse carcass, living off your own juices." "It'll change a man." "Oh, yeah." "Had a few extra aces in this deck, gents." "Just the way I like it." "So, no, my hirsute little rodent friend, I am not from around these parts." "You might say I'm from everywhere there's trouble brewing and hell waiting to be raised." "You might say I'm what hell's already raised up." "Name's" "Rango." "Are you the fella that killed them Jenkins brothers?" "Killed them with one bullet." "Don't get no deader." "All seven of them?" "That's right." "All seven of them." "Exactly how you do that, Mr. Rango?" "You know, I'm glad you asked me that." "And I will be happy to tell you how." "But you're all gonna have to listen up!" "Because this is where it gets complicated." "That'll close out your account, Mrs. Oats, two gulps and a swig." "Hands off, Mordecai!" "That's what's left of your college education!" "I don't rightly have no other choice, Beans." "Times being so hard, we just can't give no more credit." "But this here is a bank." "This is where you keep the water." "Beans, you've been like a niece to me ever since your daddy did not fall drunk down a mine shaft." "I've tried to protect you and others from certain realities." "But that..." "Well..." " Mr. Merrimack?" " Realities are bearing down." "Mr. Merrimack!" "Are you all right?" "Beans, I need to show you something." " That's all that's left?" " And this here is the reserve!" "I don't know if you've noticed, but folks just ain't making deposits on a Wednesday no more!" "Mr. Merrimack, if I don't get some water, I'm gonna lose my ranch and you're telling me that's all that's left in the whole town?" "Now that just don't make no sense." "Now, listen." "Someone is dumping water in the desert." "I seen it with my own eyes." "Water in the desert?" "Was this during one of your special times?" "No." "Well, we can all dream, but this is the reality." "Why do you think so many people are selling out?" "They just can't make it." "Well, what am I supposed to do?" "Well, I suppose we could talk to the Mayor." "I hear he's been helping people out in this time of crisis." "The Mayor?" "He may be our only hope." "Bullet hits a shovel, ricochets back towards number three, and that's when the roof caved in, igniting the thermos of pure grain alcohol instantly vaporizing his bodily form, leaving nothing but a charcoal statue and a high-pitched squeal." "Hold on, there." "That's only six." "What happened to number seven?" "Number seven?" "Hell, he died of infection." " Seven men!" " One bullet!" "Drinks all around!" "Dance for me, Sod Buster!" " Yes, dance like a chicken!" " That's right!" "Dance!" "You got corn in your ears, mate?" "You don't pay the mortgage, you don't own the land!" " That's basic real estate law, my friend." " Quid pro quo!" "If I see your face in this town again," "I'm gonna slice it off and use it to wipe my unmentionables." "Mind the beak." "And don't come back!" "What are you all gawping at?" "Hey, Bad Bill, there's something I got to tell you!" "What is this?" "You know who that is, Bill?" "That there's Rango!" "Yeah, he ain't afraid of you!" "He ain't afraid of none of you." "Killed them Jenkins brothers." " Done it with one bullet, Bill." " All seven of them!" "Is that right?" "Let me get that before you..." "No." "Oh, I know." "Here." "Just take care of that for you." "There." "All better." "T.O. T.O. Just a second." "All right, now listen!" "I'm going to give you fellas one last chance to reconsider!" "And if you don't want to reconsider" "I might consider reconsidering myself." "Now that's what I'm talking about." "Yeah." "All right, now listen up!" "Things are going to be different around here now that Rango's in town." "Got some new rules!" "I want my shoes shined every morning, my coffee hot, Danish on the side." "Whatever you do, don't look me in the eye." "Stay out of my peripheral vision!" " It's Rango." " What's he up to?" "He ain't afraid of nobody." "He's telling that bird what's for!" "And when you see me coming, stand aside." "I take large steps and I don't want none of you hayseeds getting your bodily fluids on my boots!" "Of course, there is no need for violence, as long as we stick together, work as a team." "So I want you all to come outside now and line up single file while I take a brief intermission!" "What's he doing now?" "I think it's a number two." "Never mind." "Take a look-see over here!" "Well, look at him now!" "He's chasing after that hawk!" "Give him hell, Rango!" " Did you see that?" " He killed that thing!" "What do you think, Doc?" "This hawk is dead!" "Shoot, I say we cook that right up." "He did it with one bullet!" "Just like he said!" "It's about time we had a hero around here." "One who ain't in a pine box." "I think it's time he met the Mayor." "You hear that, Rango?" "You're going to meet the Mayor!" "Let's hear it for Rango!" "And so the stranger basks in the adulation of his new friends, sinking deeper into the guacamole of his own deception." "When is he going to die?" "Soon, compadre." "Soon." "My land is not for sale!" "I came here to save my land, not sell it!" "I'm sure there's something reasonable we can work out if you just talk to him!" "Beans!" "Where are you going?" "Beans?" "The Mayor will see you now." "Water, Mr. Rango, water." "Without it, there's nothing but dust and decay." "But with water there's life." "Look at them, so desperate to live, they'll follow it anywhere." "That's the immutable law of the desert." "Control the water and you control everything." "But I don't have to tell you that being a true man of the West, as you are." "Oh, yeah." "The West is the best." "This is from my private stock." "Vintage rainwater from the Great Deluge." "Not Noah's deluge." "Good heavens, I'm not that old." "I guess power has its privileges." "You make a good point, son." "But with privilege comes responsibility." "Hell, I was mayor here before there was a Dirt!" "And I may be just a sentimental old turtle but I think there's a future for this town." "And I hope you'll be part of it." " To Dirt!" " To Dirt." "You see them, Mr. Rango?" "All my friends and neighbors?" "It's a hard life here." "Very hard." "Do you know how they make it through each and every day?" "They believe." "They believe it's going to be better." "They believe that the water will come." "They believe against all odds and all evidence that tomorrow will be better than today." "People have to believe in something." "Right now, they believe in you." "Pick it up, Mr. Rango." "Your destiny awaits." "People have to believe in something." "It's almost noon." "Is everything ready?" "Yeah." "But he might be a problem." "He's not a problem, William." "He's a solution." "It just don't make no sense." "This whole town is drying up, and the Mayor is the only one who don't seem to be affected." "Doesn't that make you just a wee bit suspicious?" "And what about that water I saw out in the desert?" "All right!" "No need to incite anxiety." "I'll inquire about the Mayor." "But if you really feel there's some conspiracy occurring," "I suggest you take it up with the new sheriff." "This is going to be good." "Hey!" "Watch that needle there." "Not too tight." "I want to leave room for some pucker!" "That's good." "Oh, easy there, tiger." " A little up and back?" " I don't think so." "Have you got French cuffs with that?" "Excuse me, Sheriff Rango." "I want to talk to you." "Hey, Beans, what do you think of the new duds?" "I got a 1 0-gallon hat marked down from 15." " That's nice." " Have you met Angelique?" " Hello, Beans." " Hello, Angelique." " Tart." " Floozy." " Trollop." " Excuse me, Mr. Rango." "I will blow that ugly right off your face!" "I was just thinking that..." "You want the old John Hancock, do you?" " Well, here." "Hold this." " Sheriff Rango, this isn't a social call." "There's a bullet in there." "I know about the shindig this afternoon." " I ordered myself some right fancy duds." " Sheriff, I'd like to file a..." " Mr. Rango!" " Oh, you, too?" "No problem." " Here, let me just..." " I need you to investigate..." "You know, Beans, I bet you clean up real nice, you put a little effort into it." " What?" " Now, remember, son, stay in school, eat your veggies, burn everything but Shakespeare." " Who's Shakespeare?" " Sheriff Rango, if that is your real name." "I am trying to save my daddy's ranch, which is on the verge of an agricultural meltdown while you're playing patty-cake with this here trollop!" "Sad, really." "Such a drab little thing." "Why does she do that?" " It's a survival reflex." " Her switch is just broken." "Well, that's an inconvenience." "It is not a rash!" "It is a birthmark!" "I did it again, didn't I?" "Did what?" "Let me ask you something." "Did anybody here mention what happened to our last sheriff?" "Pardon, but may I ask you..." "Excuse me, may I ask you..." "The last sheriff..." "Pardon me." "Where is everybody going?" "What exactly happened to the..." "All day" "I've faced the barren waste" "Without the taste of water" "Cool water" "Old Dan and I" "With throats burned dry" "And souls that cry" "For water" "Cool" "I'm so sorry." "I'm so sorry." "Clear water" "This is a heck of a hoedown you got going." "Still working out those steps." "So, is this considered normal civic behavior?" "Every Wednesday, just like clockwork." "You kill bird." "Yeah." "Matter of fact, I did." "Bird dead." "Snake come." "Snake?" "He means Rattlesnake Jake, Mr. Rango." "He never comes to town 'cause he's scared of that hawk." "But he might come now." "Can I have your boots when you're dead?" "No!" "And I ain't got no problem with this Rattlesnake Jake." "That's just what Amos said." "Amos?" "You got any gold fillings?" "My fellow Dirtonians." "I welcome you to our great day of deliverance." "Hallelujah." " Hallelujah!" " Hallelujah!" "Acolytes, prepare the holy spigot!" "We have a newcomer amongst us today, my friends." "A man I think needs little introduction to you so bold has been his entry into our fair society." "Mr. Rango, would you step forward?" "The time has come, my friends." "The time that was foretold!" " Hallelujah!" " Hallelujah!" "The sacred time!" " Hallelujah!" " Hallelujah!" "The time of destiny!" " Hallelujah!" " Hallelujah!" "The time of deliverance!" " Hallelujah!" " Hallelujah!" "It is the time of hydration!" " It's his fault!" " It's the newcomer!" " Burn him!" " He's a witch!" "I get his boots!" "My friends, my friends!" "Temper your frustrations." "Times will be tough from now on." "Sacrifices will have to be made." "But if I can help in any way, please know that my door is always..." "Hold it, hold it!" "Now, this whole thing stinks three ways to Sunday." "First the bank's run dry and now this here spigot?" "The bank's run dry?" " What's she talking about?" " She said there's no water in the bank!" "This is all we have!" "We can't give it all out!" "That was my rehydration account!" "None of that civil disobedience in my town, thank you very much." "Thank goodness you're here, Sheriff." "Things were getting out of hand." "Come right in." "Let me have a gander at the source of the societal discontentment here." "Mercy." "All right, listen up!" "I've been thinking and I believe I've figured something out." "You folks have a water problem!" "Now just pay attention, everybody." "I'm trying to make a point here." "Let's say this fella here were to take a drink of water." "Just one little drink." "No harm, no foul, right?" "And you!" "You're just as dried up and parched as a jackrabbit in July." "So you belly on up and take you a double shot!" "Stay with me." "What do you think happens then?" "Why we'd all be drinking!" "And before you know it, there wouldn't be any more water." "And then where would we be?" "We'd be thirsty." "Real thirsty." "We'd turn on each other like a bunch of animals!" "Now look here." "We have got six days of water." "We have got five days..." "As long as we've got water, we've got ourselves a town." "Sheriff Rango is right." "As long as we have this water, we have some hope." "And you can all take it from me." "My 100% full-time employment from this moment on will be to protect our precious natural resource." "Ain't no one gonna tango with the Rango." "Evening, ladies." "Evening, Sheriff." "And don't you come back!" "Hold on there, Gordy." "You get back in there and you assert yourself, and I think you'll find the people of this here town to be surprisingly hospitable." "Thank you, Sheriff." "What?" "Not you again!" "I stand corrected." " This ain't the bank." " I told you, Jedidiah!" "Hold it right there!" " Who's that?" " It's the Sheriff!" "Get them hands up where I can see them!" "Just as I suspected." "Prospecting without the authorized equipment." "Don't move a muscle." "Prospecting?" "Now, you got your shovel, pickaxe, Benadryl, loofah, assorted snacks, some puzzle books and you're gonna need a permit." " Loofah." " Ezekiel, Jedidiah!" "What the Sam Hill's going on up there?" "I've had polyps removed smarter than the two of you!" "Hell's fire, this ain't the bank!" "Pappy, the Sheriff is standing right here, helping us out." "Gonna give us a permit for prospecting." "That's right, sir." "Just doing my duty." "The lonely constable on his rounds, keeping an eagle eye out for mayhem and malfeasance." "Does he look like he sounds?" "Well, Sheriff, if we was to hit the mother lode, being prospectors and such, where would we deposit said annuity?" "Here in the town of Dirt, we happen to have the finest financial institution this side of the Missouri." "Protected morning, noon and night by yours truly." "Much obliged." "The bank's been robbed!" "The bank's been robbed!" "Good Lord, the bank's been robbed!" "What's going on?" " It's gone!" "The water's all gone!" " What'd he say?" "He said the bank's been robbed!" "Dr. Marx!" "I'm on fire!" "Embrace me!" "The bank's been robbed, the town is dry "We'll die of thirst," the people cry" "He promised to protect the vault The water's gone, it's all his fault" "All right, folks, stand back, clear the area." "This is a crime scene now." "Secure the perimeter, dust for prints, check for fibers, scan for DNA." "I want a urine sample from everyone." "And get me a latte." "And don't mix up the two." "What's this?" ""Prospecting Permit."" "I'll take that." "Material evidence." "What are we gonna do now, Sheriff?" " We need that water." " We're all going to die!" "My friends, we all know what we have to do now." "That's right." "We all know what we have to do now." " And that would be?" " Form a posse." "Form a possum!" "A posse." "Now, we're gonna be doing this in an orderly fashion." "First off, does anybody here know how to use a firearm of any kind?" "All right, then." "What do we do now, Sheriff?" "Now we ride!" "Where are we going?" "What?" "Where are we going?" "Now, as my deputy, you'll be in charge of all tracking and finding of villains, utilizing your well-developed Injun-uity, no offense taken." "So which way do you think they went?" "You want to sniff the air or commune with a buffalo or something?" "Oh, you're good." "I'm depending on you, Spoons." "You got a little tobaccy in the beard there." "Always good to have a medical man along, Doc." "Reptiles got to stick together, right, my brother?" "I'm an amphibian." "Ain't no shame in that." "You sure you're fit for duty there, soldier?" "Well, you got a little something in your eye there." "Oh, that?" "That there's conjunctivitis, sir." "It's hereditary." "Well, I'm glad to hear it's not contagious." "Now, just wait a cotton-picking minute!" "A posse ain't no place for a..." "Never mind." "Hold on there, little sister." "Someone's gonna have to look after the town while I'm gone." "Can I gut-shoot someone?" "Let's put a pin in that." "Sheriff, you're going to bring that water back, aren't you?" "Count on it, little sister." " Which way do we go, Sheriff?" " There's tunnels everywhere." "Whole town's perforated with them." "She got more holes in her than a painted lady on a porcupine." "Hey, my daddy took me to her place." "Not what I expected." "How'd them fellers find the bank, anyway?" "Gentlemen, if we can just stay on task here." "Sheriff!" "Over here!" " Would you look at that?" " Like seeing the face of God." "Amen, brother." "I remember when it used to flow every Wednesday." "Those were the halcyon days." "Must be a reason she quit on us." "Whatever the reason, something is controlling this here water." "What do you say, Sheriff?" "Clearly, the robbers came from this direction." "I say we track this pipe back to its hydraulic origin and apprehend the culprits behind this aquatic conundrum." " What'd he say?" " I think he said follow the pipe." " He said follow the pipe." " He said follow the pipe." "Sure is humid down here." "Yeah, it's activating my piles." "I had a goitre removed once." "Looked like Tony Bennett stepping out of the shower." "Shoot, I put that on a tortilla." "Whatever you do, do not look down." " What is this place?" " It's an aquifer." "What's an aquifer?" "Well, it's for aqua." "Well, it's empty now." "That's a big one." " It's the end of the line." " Don't go no further." "Well, now that there is a pipe." "It's got to be connected to something." "You talk too much." "Why don't you put a cork in it?" "Why don't you put a cork..." "Tell you where the sun don't shine." "Your mama did." "I'll cook her right up." "You two just don't get it, do you?" "Someone or something is messing with our hydration and that pipe has got something to do with it." "I thought we was following bank robbers!" "We're experiencing a paradigm shift." "I'm gonna shift the features on your face if you don't shut up!" "Go ahead and try!" "Quiet, you savages!" "Stop your rattling." "You're affecting my cogitation." "Whoa!" "I got it." "Snuff out them torches." "Sure enough." "Smart thinking there, feller." " Start climbing." " Get your foot out of my face!" "Not bad, huh, Beans?" "You keep thinking like that, your hat's gonna catch on fire." "Well, you know, you get on a roll, you just..." "Hot, hot!" "Burn." "Poor things." "All they wanted was a little water." "Cactus dying of thirst." "It don't bode well." " Hey, look what I found!" " What you got there?" " I saw that first!" " Hey, that's mine!" "Give me that!" "It's empty anyway." "I knew that." "Where'd you find that?" "Sheriff!" "You're going to want to see this!" "It's Mr. Merrimack from the bank." "What's he doing here?" " Everybody stand back." " All right, let me see." "Looks like them varmints shot him in the back." "No, this man wasn't shot." "He was drowned!" " Drowned?" " In the middle of the desert?" "What a way to go." "Well, now, whose boot prints are those?" "That's interesting." "The ground's still wet." "I suppose we should bury him." "I don't know." "Birds got to eat, too." "Circle of life!" "Sheriff." "Will you say a few words?" "Yeah." "Yeah." "Dearly beloved." "We are gathered here today to honor this man." "Mr. Merrimack, you have the right to remain silent." "Speak now or forever hold your peace." "Amen." " Amen." " Amen." "Hey!" "What's that dad-gum Indian doing?" "I see you're consulting with the spirits." "No, I'm moulting." "Means I'm ready to mate." "I'll keep that in mind." "Cactus fruit." "Ah, yes." "The ancient cactus fruit." "I believe your people use it as seasoning when preparing your native dishes." "Also natural laxative." "Pick up trail." "Three men heading west." "One blind, one with enlarged prostate, riding sidesaddle." " What did he say?" " They're riding sidesaddle." " We're whispering." " What'd he say?" "Someone's got a bad valve." "All right, which one of you fellers needs a check-up?" "Awkward." "What exactly are we going to do now?" "Now we ride!" "That means we're riding now!" "This moment." "Marshmallows remind me of going camping with my daddy." "I could eat them all night long." "Of course he did make me cough them back up again for breakfast." "This one time, I coughed up an entire Dalmatian." "That ain't nothing." "I coughed up a whole tribe of pygmies." "They started looking at me weird." "I remember them." "They was quite friendly." "I found a human spinal column in my fecal matter once." "You might want to get that looked at." "Pass the beans, Beans." " Sheriff?" " No, thanks." "Mr. Rango?" "Can you tell us about the Spirit of the West?" " Yeah, tell us about that." " Is it true what they say?" "Yes, the Spirit of the West!" "The eternally unattainable ideal." "They say he rides in an alabaster carriage with golden guardians to protect him." "But he only appears to those who have undertaken an epic quest!" "And have made it to the other side." "The other side of what?" "It's a metaphor." "My eye!" "That's gonna heal right up." "Sheriff?" "What are you going to do about Rattlesnake Jake?" "What?" "Where?" "Sorry about that." "Word is you come against him once or twice." "Yeah." "Jake." "You mean my brother." " Your brother?" " That's what I said!" "But he's a snake and you're a lizard." "Well, Momma had an active social life." "Did he ever bite you?" "Sure enough did." "Look at that baby." "Go ahead, you can touch it." "That's interesting." "That there's a belly button." "Luckily, I'm immune to his venom." "Put some in my coffee just to give it a little tang." "Is it true he's only scared of them hawks?" "Them's what we call his natural predator." "All this talk of that serpentine devil is putting my quills on edge!" "I ain't sleeping tonight." "No, sir." "Don't you all worry about a thing." "Come tomorrow, we'll locate that water and return to a hero's welcome." "Friends, before we bunk down" "I'd like us all to join hands for a moment, say a few words to the Spirit of the West." "That's a good idea." "Ain't always spoken rightly to you, Spirit of the West." "But tonight I want to thank you for bringing Sheriff Rango into our lives." "It's a hard life we got." "Sometimes I don't know how we're gonna make it." "But somehow, Sheriff Rango makes me think we will." "We needed a brave man and you sent us one." "Nice to have someone to believe in again." "Thank you, Spirit of the West." "Amen." " Amen." " Amen." "Just checking." " It's a little cold tonight." " Thank you." "You ever feel like those things are looking at you?" "That's a Spanish dagger." "But around here, we just call them the Walking Cactus." "Walking?" "There's an old legend they actually walk across the desert to find water." "When I was a little girl, I'd stay up late watching them, to see if they'd move." "I thought if I could follow them, they'd lead me to someplace wonderful." "Someplace with enough water for everyone." "Night after night, I watched them." "I never saw them move." "But you're still watching." "Who doesn't want to find someplace wonderful?" "We'll find the water, Beans." "I promise you." "That's such a lonely sound." "You ever get lonely?" "Sometimes." "I can't imagine it." "You're such a charmer and everyone likes you so much." " I never made friends easy like that." " No?" "No, we're pretty isolated out there on the ranch, sort of like being sealed up in a little box." "Don't really see a lot of folks." "I wouldn't know what that's like." "There someone special in your life, Rango?" "There used to be." "But she couldn't keep her head." "Besides, my life's too dangerous for that kind of thing." "You know, it's an awful solitary existence out there on the prairie." "Riding the ranges and the suchlike." "Beans?" "I'm gonna skin you alive, boy!" "I'm gonna whup you like a red-headed stepchild!" "Choleric varmints, ain't they?" "Dysfunctional family." "Need intervention." "What's that coming?" "It's the water." "I have a plan, and each and every one of you has a part to play." "What do I do?" "Spoons, you got the most important job of all." "You stay up here on the ridge, and if anything goes wrong, you give the signal." "Hey, Beans." "What size dress you wearing?" " He got it!" " Hallelujah!" " He found the water!" " You did it, son." "Well, actually..." "Why can't you be all brainy like your brother?" "Pappy, about that water." "There's something I gots to tell you." "Hush up, now." "Somebody's coming." "Good sirs, gracious good afternoon to thee and thee and thee." "May I present Madame Lupone's" "Terpsichorean Troupe of Traveling Thespians!" " What is that?" " I think they's thespians." "Thespians?" "That's illegal in seven states!" "The stage is set." "The princess prepares to take her own life." "I yearn for love." "Meanwhile, the lone sentry stands watch at the castle gate." "Stands watch at the castle gate..." "Hark!" "Who goes there?" "This plot is highly predictable." "Quiet!" "This is my favorite part." "Arriving to great fanfare 'twas her aged father," "strucketh by Cupid." "Prithee, unhand my fair daughter and reach for the..." " Line?" " "Reach for the sky!"" "What was that?" "Must be that immersive theater." "We got you surrounded!" "You and your entire family get your hands up where I can see them." "My entire family?" "Grits and spit and collard greens" "Waffle chitlins, monkey brains" "Refried bones and booger blood" "Pickled eggs and flaps of mud" "It's a full house." "Looks like we're gonna have ourselves a good old-fashioned standoff." "I'll have you know, you're not looking at our entire contingent." "What's that supposed to be?" "That's the signal." "That's the signal!" "Something must have gone wrong!" "So something's supposed to happen?" "I am open to suggestions." "Run!" "Get on the wagon!" "Should we have ourselves some sport, chill'ens?" "I likes it when they run." "Maybelle, give the holler!" "Looks like we made it!" "That audience was quite responsive." "Yeah, well, I think that chromosome pool is about dried up." "We got bats!" "Here!" "You drive." "Looks like there's gonna be soup tonight!" "Come on, let's get some!" "What in tarnation?" "Don't shoot the water!" "Jedidiah!" "It's time for the Alabama squeeze box!" "Okay, Pa!" "I am sensing hostility." "Incoming!" "Hello!" "Goodbye!" "Lasso that swine!" "I suggest we take evasive action!" "I suggest you shut up and shoot!" " What happened to the Sheriff?" " He had a previous engagement!" "Boseefus, give them some gumbo now!" "What was that?" "Go check it out!" "What is it?" "Is there a problem?" "You could call it that." "Headache." "Is that all you got?" "That wasn't altogether unpleasant!" "Eat lead!" "Here, hold these." "Get your hands off me!" "Oh, I'm sorry." "Jump!" "It's impossible." "It can't be." "It's empty." "There's no water!" "No water?" "Then what the hell we been fighting for?" "Sir, you have defiled and desecrated the very sustenance of our livelihood!" "I think that there fella in the purty dress is the Sheriff." "That's the same fellow what give us a prospecting permit?" " A what?" " Irrelevant!" "Obfuscation." "You and your kin are under arrest for bank robbery and the murder of our beloved financial advisor" "Johannes Merrimack the Third, AKA, Fluffy Joe." "Sheriff, we didn't kill nobody." "We done tunneled into that vault, but there weren't nothing in it." "Somebody done robbed that bank before we robbed it." "Then where'd you get this here jug?" "That's what I been trying to tell you, Pappy." "I found it in the desert." "Then why in tarnation did you bring it here?" "Hold on!" "You're saying this here jug was empty when you found it?" "That's right." "I don't believe a word of it." " Let's hang them, Sheriff!" " String them up!" "Who'd dump water in the desert?" "Wouldn't be the first time." "It's a puzzle!" "It's like a big old mammogram!" "What's going on, Sheriff?" "I don't know." "But I'm going to strip away this mystery and expose its private parts." "You and your kin are coming with me." "They're coming!" "Here they come!" "Looks like they got them robbers." "Where's the water?" "There weren't no water." "Where is he going?" "He's going to see the Mayor." "He's got to be pleased with that." "That's a good one, boss!" "That's interesting." "I do apologise for the shoes, Mr. Rango, but there's a certain protocol to this game, you understand." "I'm a bit of a stickler for protocol." "Well, that's good, 'cause you got a few questions to answer and I've got my own protocol." "But why would anyone dump water in the blooming desert?" "It does seem a bit naive, taking the word of admitted bank robbers." "Besides, once they hang, your job is done." " Bravo!" " Job well done." "But what if somebody did rob the bank before they got there?" "And who would do that, Mr. Rango?" "I was hoping you could tell me." "That sounds marginally near to an accusation." "Take it any way you like." "Something you said keeps rattling around in my frontal lobe." "What's that?" ""Control the water and you control everything."" "Come now, Mr. Rango." "You attribute divine power to me." "How on earth could I possibly control the water?" "You've obviously mastered this game." "Well, I've been playing it for many years, sir." "I was here before the highway split this great valley." "I watched the march of progress, and I learned a thing or two." "Perhaps it's time you started to take the long view, begin to appreciate the broad sweep of history." "Look out there, son." "You can almost see time passing." "What are you building out here?" "The future, Mr. Rango, the future." "One day soon, all this is going to fade into myth, the frontier town, the lawman, the gunslinger." "There's just no place for them any more." " We're civilized now." " That's right, civilized." "That's what the future holds." "You can either be part of it, or you can be left behind." "Is that what happened to Mr. Merrimack?" "Did he get left behind?" "Careful, Mr. Rango." "You seem to forget you're just one little lizard." "You seem to forget I'm the law around these parts." "Our new sheriff has been playing the hero for so long, he's actually starting to believe it." "Call in Rattlesnake Jake." "But Jake's the Grim Reaper." "He never leaves without taking a blooming soul." "Do it!" "Now be still." "You gotta look presentable to meet your maker." "Death has arrived" "How will the hero survive?" "The Mayor has bought up all the land in the valley, except for your ranch, Miss Beans." "That just don't make no sense." "Without water, that land is useless." "Unless he controls the water." "Like a monkey's bladder!" "Then he could bring it back once he's bought up all the land." "But how does he control the water?" "Well, you gotta spend some time and train them." "'Cause you know monkeys, when they do go, you rub their nose in it." "Sheriff, we got a problem." "Hold on, Beans." "That won't be necessary." " Hang him till his head turns blue!" " Give us them robbers!" "Hold on!" "Calm down, everyone!" "Let me talk!" " Nail them to the courthouse!" " Now, calm down, everybody." "Get them out here so we can cut off their giblets!" "You, too, Spoons?" "They done taken that water." "They taken everything we got!" "No one's stringing anyone up." "Not while I'm sheriff." "But this is all his fault!" "You said you's gonna bring the water back." "It's just, we got no hope without that water." "We got nothing left to believe in." "You see that sign up there?" "As long as that sign says "Sheriff,"" "you can believe that there's law and order in this town." "But without law and order, ruminate on that." "Oh, yeah." "Starts out slow, like a fungus." "Somebody says a cross word." "Accusations start flying." "Neighbor turns on neighbor." "Pretty soon, we're eating our children!" "And then dogs and cats are getting together to create all sorts of unnatural mutant aberrations!" "So, you want something to believe in, Spoons?" "Believe in me." "Believe in that there sign." "For as long as it hangs there, we got hope." "Hello, brother." "Thirsty?" "Long time, brother." "How you been keeping?" "Well, you know..." "I hear you been telling about how you killed all them Jenkins brothers." "With one bullet, wasn't it?" "Isn't that right?" "All these good folks here believe your little stories, don't they?" "Why, they believe you're just a stone killer, don't they?" "Seems these folks trust you." "They think you're gonna save their little town." "They think you're gonna save their little souls!" "But we know better, don't we?" "So why don't you show your friends here what you're made of?" "Show them who you really are." "Why don't you just pull your gun and shoot me?" "But, of course, you won't need all these." "Just one, right?" "Go ahead, hero." "Pull the trigger." "You got killer in your eyes, son?" "I don't see it." "You didn't do any of them things you said, did you?" "You didn't kill them Jenkins brothers." "You ain't even from the West!" "Are you?" " Say it!" " No." "Speak up." "I don't think your friends here heard you." "No." "All you've done is lie to these good people." "You ain't nothing but a fake and a coward." "Isn't that right?" "Yes." " Louder!" " Yes." "Listen close, you pathetic fraud." "This is my town now." "If I ever see you again, I will take your soul straight down to hell!" "Who are you?" "Who am I?" "I'm nobody." "Golden guardians." "The alabaster carriage." "The Spirit of the West." "Excuse me?" "Mister Spirit, sir?" "There's a beaut." "Sometimes you got to dig deep to find what you're looking for." "So you made it." "Is this heaven?" "If it were, we'd be eating Pop-Tarts with Kim Novak." "Yeah." "No kidding." "What are you doing out here?" "Searching, same as you." "I don't even know what I'm looking for any more." "I don't even know who I am." "They used to call you the Man with No Name." "These days they got a name for just about everything." "Doesn't matter what they call you." "It's the deeds make the man." "Yeah, but my deeds just made things worse." "I'm a fraud." "I'm a phony!" "My friends believed in me, but they need some kind of hero." "Then be a hero." "No." "No, no, you don't understand." "I'm not even supposed to be here." "That's right." "You came a long way to find something that isn't out here." "Don't you see?" "It's not about you." "It's about them." "But I can't go back." "Don't know that you got a choice, son." "No man can walk out on his own story." "So you made it." "That's right, amigo." "The other side of the road." "Did you just see that?" "We each see what we need to see." "Beautiful, isn't it?" "Yeah." "It is." "Come, my friend." "I want to show you something." "Many years ago, this entire valley was covered in agua." "Now only one question remains." "Where did it go?" "They follow the water." "They follow the water!" "Come on!" "That just don't make no sense." "Without water, that land is useless." "What are you building out here?" "The future, Mr. Rango." "You can either be part of it, or you can be left behind." "I was here before the highway split this great valley." "I watched the march of progress and I learned a thing or two." "Control the water and you control everything." "Come now, Mr. Rango." "You attribute divine power to me." "How on earth could I possibly control the water?" "What now, amigo?" "No man can walk out on his own story." "I'm going back." "But why?" "Because that's who I am." "You got a lot of nerve showing up here, lawman." "What is it you want?" "Your pappy and them boys are about to hang for something they didn't do." "But I've got a plan." "I appreciate how difficult this is for you, Beans." "But you're making a practical decision." "Decisions, decisions." "There's no need for any more suffering." "Your family's ranch is nothing but a wasteland now." "Sign the deed and relieve yourself of your father's burden." "My daddy was not a burden!" "Keep your blood money and I'll keep my land!" "Do what he says or, by all the fires of the black pit," "I'll squeeze them pretty brown eyes out of your skull!" "Now, hold on, Jake." "There's no need to..." "Let me do my job!" "You brought me in." "Now we're gonna play this thing out to the end!" "Sign the damn paper, woman!" "Go to hell!" "Where do you think I come from?" "Look into my eyes." "I want to see you die." "Jake!" "I'm calling you out!" "Jake!" "This day just got a little more interesting." "Put her down." "Or what, little man?" "You going to kill me?" "That's just about the size of it." " Get your filthy paws off me!" " Shut your gob!" "All right, Sheriff, make your move." "Now amigos!" " Heave!" "Heave!" " Heave!" "Heave!" "That was a bad idea." "Thirsty, brother?" "Here it comes!" "No." "No!" "It's a miracle!" "Look out!" " Lookee there!" " What is that?" "It's our salvation, Pa!" "It's a jailbreak, boys!" "We're busting out!" "I'm gonna blow so many holes in you, your guts'll be leaking lead!" "Well, then it's a good thing I brought some backup." "What?" "Ain't no hawk." "Ain't nothing but bats!" "Stick to the plan, boys!" "Let's bleed that devil dry!" "It only takes one bullet." "You ain't got the nerve." "Try me." "Oh, Mr. Rango." "Aren't you forgetting something?" "Hand me your gun, Sheriff." "Now, Mr. Rango." "Beans!" "Hold on." "Don't worry, I got a plan." "Help!" "Open the door!" "Okay, plan B." "Beans, you're mumbling." "All my problems taken care of except for one." "It's a new West, Jake." "There's no room for gunslingers any more." "We're businessmen now." "Yeah, we got new hats." "Where I come from, we call this improvisation." "You came back." "What was that?" "No need to panic, but I think you just swallowed plan B." "What?" "Okay, panic time." "You and the Sheriff are more alike than you think." "You're nothing but legends." "Pretty soon, no one will believe you even existed." "One last bullet to kill one last outlaw." "How fitting." "Sheriff, I'm sure if we work together, we can reach a mutually beneficial solution to our current situation." "You better take it up with him." "One bullet." "I tip my hat to you, one legend to another." "What was that you said?" ""Pretty soon, no one will believe you even existed."" "No, Jake!" "No!" "Rango!" "You brought the water back, just like you promised." "You really are a hero." "Well, the thing about heroes is, whenever you..." "Don't spoil it." "Right." "Well, I don't know about you all, but I could sure go for a dip." "And so the lizard completes his journey from humble beginnings to the legend we sing of today." "And although he is certain to die, perhaps from a household accident, which account for 65% of all unnatural deaths, the people of the village will honor his memory even as they abandon their dignity." " I'm going in." " How about a cold one, there?" "Water ain't money." "Money is money." " Well, I ain't got no..." " We're talking hard cash." "We have a problem." "Who let Snuggles in the pool again?" "I really think you complete me." "Prithee, unhand my fair maiden." " Cut." "Cut." "Everybody, take five." " How can you keep missing your mark?" "What's my motivation?" "Oh, you kids." "What did you do that for?" "I was just checking." "I hear if you get too sunburnt, you can peel a man's face right off." " What is it?" " That there's some human spleen." "Don't touch it." "That's the second time that's happened to me." "This water thing's great." "I'm urinating right now." "Adult swim, next five minutes." "Stay between the buoys." "I packed your lunch." "Danish is in there and I picked the raisins out just the way you like it." "Don't forget, your nasal spray is in your saddle-bag..." " Beans!" " ...and your moisturizing lotion..." " Now, Beans!" "We've talked about this." " Lotion?" "That's for my gun." "That's gun lotion." "Sheriff, where are you headed?" "There's trouble down a dry creek." "Bad Bill's been acting up again." "Now, honey, you come back with all your digits." "And don't go trying to be a hero." "Beans, you are missing the point." "I got an image to protect now." "Where's my Tic Tacs?" " I found them." " What's going on?" "Well, in order to satisfy the needs of the collective, the hero must abandon the self and solidify his image as an icon that will forever be remembered." "So, this is the sunset shot." "Give them a good one, amigo." "Ready, Excelsior?" "My fellow comrades." "There will be times when you doubt yourself." "When you feel pummeled by the cataclysms of life, remember this moment." "Remember me." "Know that I will be there watching you, sometimes at inappropriate moments." "That's part of the deal." "And remember, within all of us resides the true Spirit of the..." "Let's take it from the top."