"Happy Thanksgiving, Chloe!" "Do you want me to make you my traditional turkey" "Uh, this is Chloe's Thanksgiving tradition." "She calls all of her married lovers while they're home with their families to freak 'em out." "Gobble, gobble!" "Is your wife home?" "'" " Cause I'm wearing her t-shirt right now." " Wait--what?" "Hey, Harold!" "Did you see the parade?" "Get tested." "Oh, hey, Todd, real quick-- while you're eating," " your baby will be growing inside me." " No!" "I" "Hey, Tyrone, happy turkey day." "Did you tell your wife yet that you prefer white meat?" "Wait, no, no, no, no, no, no." "[ Katie Hampton ] ♪ I'm not perfect, I'm no snitch ♪" "♪ but I can tell you ♪ 2x04 It's a Miracle" "♪ ba-da-da-da-da-ba, ba-da-ba" "Chloe, you ruined Thanksgiving for those men." "Don't you feel bad?" "They're hypocrites." "Pretending to be family men one day a year, and then sleeping around the rest?" "This whole holiday is fake-- people pretending to like each other, everyone thinking it's okay to wear uggs." "What?" "Thanksgiving is a wonderful holiday." "I was gonna fly home to Indiana to be with my family, but I couldn't afford the flight." "You could sell your uterus." "I got a guy." "Next year." "Happy fat America day." "Luther and I are on our way to volunteer at a soup kitchen." "I don't wanna look too nice." "I wanna borrow something that's, you know, kind of "of the people."" "Oh, you're volunteering?" "That's exactly what I was gonna do today." "I--oh." "Okay." "It's so rewarding." "Helping those in need-- oh, that looks really nice-- is a Colburn Thanksgiving tradition." "You know, and if I can't be home to do it, maybe I should just go along with you guys." "Is that okay?" "Do you have a reservation at the shelter?" "You need a reservation to help people?" " Indiana." " Fly-over state." "Biscuits." "June, the 78th street shelter is the most exclusive in the city." "You need a reservation if you want "People" magazine to take your picture with photogenic homeless." "I put my name in a year ago." "And he's James Van Der Beek." "What have I told you about where to put the emphasis?" "Ugh!" "First Christmas card came." "Guess who from." "My dad and Karen." "Of course, she's making him crouch down." "I don't really think that she has a... choice." "This is exactly why I'm not going home today." "My mom's gonna put on a show for her guests, but everyone knows it's a Thanksgiving lie because they've been having a hard time ever since my dad cheated on her with some whore." "That was... that was me." "You set me up with your father." "I'm the... whore." " Right!" " Yeah." "I forgot." "Funny." "Because on the surface, you don't look like a whore." "Happy Thanksgiving." "May I offer you a baked good?" "I'm doing gluten-free right now." "Good for you." "I tried doing vegan for a week." "No energy." "I couldn't even make it to the gym." "Yeah, that must have been hard for you." "I only have one foot." "I like your sock." "Thank you for volunteering today." "If you have any problems," "Reggie and Mike will take care of you." "Fantastic." "Showtime." "Hello, friends." "Would you care for some delicious gravy?" "This is what it's all about, isn't it?" "Sharing with those in need," " giving of one's self so that you can..." " Hey, is that an Olsen?" " Mary-Kate!" " Ashley!" "Okay, that's a wrap." "Fantastic." "Thank you." "You guys were great." "Ta-ta!" "Oh, hi!" "Happy Thanksgiving." "My name is June." "I live in apartment 23." "May I help you with your groceries?" "Rape!" "What?" "No." "Rape!" "I was just trying to help you!" "Some lady is raping my wife!" "Rape!" "Um..." "I just ran into Mrs. Hochberg in the hall." "Did you, like, rape her or something?" "No." "They thought I was, but I wasn't." "I'm not attracted to either one of them." "Really?" "'Cause I bet back in the day, she was something special." "This has been the worst Thanksgiving in my entire life." "I haven't been able to find anyone to help, and I can't afford to be home with my family." "I know who you should help-- the native Americans." "Let's go to an Indian casino and drink white wine with the Cherokee!" "On Thanksgiving?" "You--you don't think that's a little bit insensitive?" "No." "We're helping." "We're starting the healing process." "And, June, the way you suck at Blackjack, you could change a lot of lives." "I don't suck at Blackjack." "I just don't play the way that you do." "Nobody takes the insurance." "I don't like being unprotected!" "Hey, Chloe, just so you're not shocked," "I like to play two slot machines at once." "So I'll be all like, "Bap-bap-bap-bap-bap"" "Yeah." "You should totally do that." "Why aren't we at the casino?" "Uh, that was a Thanksgiving lie." "We're at my parents' house." "We're just gonna go in for a quick 5-course meal, we'll be done in nine hours, max." "Nine hours?" "!" "That is gonna bleed into black Friday." "June, you can have sex with black men any day of the week." "What are we doing at your parents' house?" "You said that families put aside their problems for one day of the year, and I got to thinking, since my parents are back together," "I'm gonna try and spend some real time with them, and I can't do it without you." "Why me?" "I..." "Made out with your father!" "June, you're the first normal person I've met." "You can help me have a normal Thanksgiving." "Come on." "You wanna help somebody this Thanksgiving?" "Help me." "Okay." "Okay." "I will help you." "I will put aside all this weird stuff with your father, and I will help you navigate this special day." "I will be your emotional Sacajawea." "Great!" "All right." "Wait!" "June, wait." "No, you can't just walk into the house." "Are you crazy?" "My mom knows you almost porked my dad." "She does?" "Wait, why?" "!" "I had to tell her." "She thought it was someone her own age, not some sweet young thang." "You can't hand me a sledgehammer and expect me not to swing it." " Okay." "Hop in." " What?" "This is the only way to level the playing field with her." "She'll replace her anger with kinship." "This chair is the great equalizer." "This is crazy!" "I can't pretend to be in a wheelchair in front of your mother, who is actually in a wheelchair." "Besides, she's seen me, and she knows that my legs work!" "I told her that you were in a horseback riding accident." "Your horse saw a snake, it reared up and tossed you on a rock, and you shattered your pelvis in 60 places." "60 places?" "Oh, my God." "The doctor bills must have been" "You know what?" "You know what?" "It's not real." "Come on, Sacagawea." "I need you." "Please!" "Well, I hate lying, especially on turkey day." "But if this is the only way that you can reconnect" "Great!" "I will--oh, God, wait." "Wait." "Hold on." "But what about my horse?" "What was his name?" "You didn't tell me." "I don't know what to do!" "Is it a palomino?" "What if it comes up?" "Hey!" "Hi, you!" "Who wants a welcome soup shot in their tummy?" "Shut your face, mom!" "Chloe, she's not trying to be rude to you." " She's just trying to be nice." " Fine." "Whatever." "She's always hated my welcome soup shots, even though she's never tried one." "I'll try one in hell!" "Is that my princess?" "Hi, daddy!" "It is me!" "Hi!" "Mm." "You guys remember June." "Hello, June." "You're looking..." "Handsome." "Hi, Karen." "Come." "Give me a hug." "You mean..." "In our, uh..." "In our chairs?" "Oh, yes, dear, in our chairs." "I am gonna give you tips I wish someone had given me when I was first in the chair." "Wow." "Now here's what's gonna happen." " I'm gonna reach over, and I'm gonna set your brake." " Ooh!" "I'm gonna scoot my weight to the end of my chair, and then I'm gonna extend my arms around you, and I'm gonna bring your body close to my body." " Oh!" " Mm-hmm." "We're hugging now." "This is a hug." "That got pretty real back there." "I don't think I ever want to be homeless." "We should buy that second house we've been talking about just so I have a backup." "Sedona!" "Oh, hey, guys." "Clarence sent us to get you." "You left before your shift was over." "No." "I-I came." "I helped out." "I-I signed two autographs for a bipolar prostitute." "That's..." "Luther, put that in the "Perfect Joke" file." "All right." "Celebrities like you always leave early on Thanksgiving." "Mike, you think "People" magazine would find it interesting to know that James Van Der Beek ladled and left?" "Very interesting, Reggie." "No, no, no." "We didn't leave." "We--we... we just had to come back, 'cause--'cause we, uh, forgot..." "Our... hats." "This is excruciating." "How long have we been here?" "Ugh. 45 minutes." "I have a present for you." "Two hands on your wheels doesn't mean you can't still party." "Oh, wow, that's really nice." "You think that's nice?" "Wait till you see this." "Oh, is that for my glasses?" "Nope, it's a tampon holder." "It's that "T" of the "M,"" "you need to go to the ladies', but you don't want to wheel all the way over to wherever you put your purse." "Well, that is very thoughtful of you." "Thank you for being so welcoming despite... everything." "My motto is "Keep rolling forward."" "I don't understand what the problem is." "I didn't do anything wrong." "Could you excuse me for a second?" "I think I'm needed." "Okay." "Honey, you know you're pretty." "You got it all going on." "But sometimes guests, like my boss, can misconstrue it when you sit on their lap and feed them ambrosia salad with your fingers." "Ugh." "You put your fingers inside of your dad's boss' mouth?" "June, if there's a sexy piece of man-meat in front of me," "I'm gonna want to eat it." "Chloe..." "Take a look at that sexy piece of man-meat without your intention of wanting to ruin the holiday, and let me know if you're still hungry." "Oh, my God." "He looks like a giant cheesy poof." "Good catch." "That was a close one." "Mm." "That's what I'm here for." "So, Scott, how have you been?" "Would you excuse me?" "I have to check on the turkey." "I've been good, too." "Just, uh, don't ask me to dance, 'cause I can't." "Oh, God." "This plate has been licked." "All right, James." "Lunch break." "Where's Luther?" "I need him to make me a res at Babbo." "Uh, we eat here..." "At the shelter." "I don't wanna eat here." "Pretty great to have all this food today, huh?" "Oh, yeah." "Yeah, I used to get pretty hungry back when my mom first got put in jail, and the only soft thing in my life was a trash bag filled with old pillows." "My grandma hoped a pet would help me get through it." "So she got me what she thought was a hamster." "My God..." "How long have I been chewing on this turkey?" "Feels like forever." "Wait." "Is that a tendon?" "Oh, my God, I-I can't eat a tendon." "I need to spit this out into a napkin, but the sad kid keeps on looking at me." "Maybe I can wash it down with orange drink." "There's lipstick on that cup." "Oh, my God." "They're reusing cups." "Yoo-hoo!" "Hi." "Down here." "Oh!" "Hey, June, I didn't see you down there." "Yeah." "Or in the hallway or the TV room." "But anyway, uh, listen," "I know this is a little awkward." "But, um, Karen and I seem to be getting along great." "And you and I don't have to pretend like we don't know each other." "I mean, the last time I saw you, my toes were in your mouth." "Oh!" "That was the timer." "I have to check something in the kitchen." "Hey." "That is not where the kitchen is!" "I know what you're doing-- Oh." "God." "This rug is like a swamp." "Oh, God." "Yep, stairs can be tricky." "Mm." "Here's what's gonna happen." "I'm gonna reach over." "And I'm gonna set your brake." "I'm gonna slip my right hand under your left buttock, and I'm gonna heft your weight..." "From one chair to the other." "Okay." "Okay." "Good girl." "Oh, beautiful." "Beautiful." "You all right?" "Yes." "Et voila." "Seriously?" "I've got a knitting project in the side pouch." "Feel free." "See you downstairs!" "Hey--oh..." "June, where the hell have you been?" "I've been trying to talk to your father, but he's acting like a child." "Well, my mom just said she likes my hair down, so obviously, I put it up." "How do you make this thing go down?" "Are you even listening to me?" "This is red hour, June!" "This is right before dinner when my mom and I get in a huge fight, and I blow everything up!" "You're supposed to stop me!" "Tell me to breathe or something!" "God, did you ever think that maybe your mother is not the one with the problem?" "She is a wonderful human being." "It is your father who has real issues with women in wheelchairs." "What are you talking about?" "You're supposed to be my emotional Sacagawea." "Sacagawea's busy." "Oh, dinnertime!" "Well, I just took some ibuprofen--wink-- so I passed that little episode on my own, no thanks to you." "Uh-huh." "Look at Scott." "He's staying as far away from me as possible." "You know, I've been thinking about it, and he didn't even call me once after my horseback riding accident." "You didn't have an accident." "But he thinks I did, and he never sent me balloons or came to visit me in the hospital..." "Or anything." "Are you drunk?" "I have a cup holder." "Ding, ding!" "Fork made the sound." "You don't have to say it, too." "Before we eat, I'd like to go around the table and say what we're thankful for." "I'm thankful for all of us being here together..." "Especially June, our newest addition." "I'm thankful we were able to get the Syracuse game on the dish, right, tom?" "Ha!" "Hilarious!" "I'm thankful the snowy owl is no longer on the endangered species list." "To our troops overseas." "I'm thankful for chocolate." "And the Mars rover." "And yams!" "How come no one said legs?" "!" "Uh, you mean, like, turkey legs?" "No!" "I mean you all have working legs, and none of you give a damn about them!" "Yams?" "!" "Legs!" "June, pull yourself together!" "Everybody, I am so sorry that June is trying to ruin our special Thanksgiving dinner." "What are you talking about?" "You wouldn't even be here if it weren't for me." "You'd be screwing that life-size cheddar cheese over there and arguing with your selfish father!" "I'm Sacagawea!" "I'm on a coin!" "I'm money, bitch!" "June's legs work!" "I walked in on her getting nuts from on top of the fridge, and I didn't want to say anything because I didn't want to ruin Thanksgiving." "Uh, June, honey, ignore her." "This isn't about you." "Chloe's always had a complicated relationship with my chair." "That's why I put a lock on your tampon holder." "Wait." "What are you doing?" "What are you doing?" "Stand up!" "Don't." "Don't." "Stop it!" "Chloe!" "Stop it!" "No!" "She's done this to me before." "Set your brake." "Set your brake!" "Aah!" "Ugh!" "Ow!" "Ow!" "Stop it!" "Get off of me!" "Get--oh, my" "Oh!" "Chloe!" "Seriously, June?" "!" "You are laying on the ground, pretending to be crippled on Thanksgiving?" "!" "It's a miracle?" "You don't... need the chair?" "No." "I am so sorry." "I was just trying to help." "The only reason I got in this chair was just so you'd forgive me for dry-humping your husband." "You were the whore?" "Chloe said that you knew." "Nope." "No." "So Scott wasn't avoiding me because I was in the chair." "Scott was avoiding me because he was afraid I'd make a scene, like this one." " Get out!" " Of course." "Go." "Oh, boy." "Freckles wanted to get out of here worse than me." "Is he an outdoor cat?" "No?" "All right then." "I'm sorry." "I think you're wearing my jacket." "I must have left it on the chair back there." "No, I'm wearing my jacket." "No, that's mine." "I... paid $1,500 for it." "You don't think I can afford a $1,500 jacket?" "Why, because I'm black?" "You're not black." "I'm black." "Says it's mine right here." "I'm Wayne." "You destroyed the festive lining?" "You animal!" "Sucks working holidays, huh?" "I mean." "June, oh, my God." "You were great!" "Yeah." "Yeah." "It was just so great." "Everything about that was just great" "So great that your mother has been glaring at me through that window for the last 20 minutes." "Why did you tell me that she knew about Scott and me?" "So you would get in the chair." "You had to believe that was the only way she could get past her anger and accept you." "Then why did you throw me out of the chair?" "So then she would super hate you when she found out you could actually walk, and then they would give me cash to get away from you." "They gave you money?" "$2,000." "I knew they wouldn't want me living with someone who would lie about something like that." "But the way that you bonded with my mom, and then outed your fling with my dad-- nobody could have seen that coming." "So this whole thing was a scam for money?" "You used me to manipulate your parents, you made me lie to your poor mother about being in a wheelchair" "$800, $900... $1,000." "There." "That should be enough to get you home to Indiana for Christmas." "What?" "You seemed super sad this morning when you couldn't go home, and then you were yammering on about helping people, so I thought, "Why not use my screwed-up family to get you home to yours?"" "Chloe, that..." "That was--that was really nice of you." "It is nice." "I'm really nice." "June, why aren't you fanning yourself with your money?" "I'm really excited about going home for Christmas and all, but I mean, I kind of just feel really bad that I blew up Thanksgiving." "Are you kidding me?" "That was the best Thanksgiving I've ever had with my family." " Oh!" "Right." " Seriously." "After you left, we ate, my mom and dad bonded in their hatred of you, and then we played charades." "I guess I did kinda" "Okay, now stop smiling, because I have to pretend to tell you that I'm moving out." "Okay, this is me telling you." "You're gonna take these leftovers, and you're gonna smash it on the ground, and then you're gonna walk to the end of the block, and I'm gonna come and get you in a cab." "You wanna pick up some pie on the way home?" "I'm in the mood." "I know you're probably thinking that you want pumpkin, but I'm gonna throw something out there" "Dutch apple." "Huh?" "You like that idea?" "It's your call." "We should talk like this to each other all the time, 'cause this is really fun." "Oh." "Dutch apple." "So good, right?" "So this is what guys make love to when they can't get girls?" "Hmm." "I get it." "I had the most amazing day." "Aw, isn't helping people the best?" "I have reached bottom." "Literally." "A homeless man's bottom was on my face." "They made me wait on the meat scale while the officer took my statement." "I don't know if it was the stress, or the food, or the bum fight, but somehow, some way," "I lost 2 pounds on the fattest day of the year." "Do you know what that means?" "I negated the Christmas gain!" "I'm going into the holiday season" " 2 pounds underweight!" " Nice!" "Looking good, skinny!" "I am caught in the shallow end of a very dark pool."