"Good evening, Barry and welcome to your date with Jack" "If it goes well I'll sign it" "Okay" "Um, I brought a bottle of wine" "It's supposedly the finest cabernet from the New Jersey wine country" "Chateau Secaucus" "Come in" " Hey" " Hey... you" "What, w-w-what are you doing here?" "What?" "Do I need an excuse to see my favorite man in the whole world?" "Leo's out of town and you're lonely?" "Yeah, I'm bored." "Let's watch the Surgery Channel" " Comin' in?" " I-I-I-in a second" "Oh." "Right" "Go out into the hallway to, uh... relax" "You know... so it doesn't cloud the apartment" "I don't do that" "Neither do I Let's go in" "W-w-w" " What's the rush?" "Okay, wait a second" "Does Jack have his date with Barry tonight?" "Is that tonight?" "I don't think that's tonight" "Please!" "You're totally spying on him" "I am not" "What kind of a world do you live in when the only reason people are in a hallway is to either fart or spy?" "Well, if you're not spying then go into your apartment like a normal person" "Fine." "I will" "Aren't you coming?" " In a second" " Ugh!" "Hello?" "Maintenance?" "This is Mrs. Walker in 5319" "Mm-hmm" "I'd like to put my drink on the mantel" "Could you send someone over to move the fireplace?" "Here, Rosie you try one" "You do it I'm not in the mood" "What's the matter, Ro-Ro?" "You've been kinda grumpy all day" "Where's the usual lumber in your step?" "It's this new uniform you got me" "It's too tight, it's itchy" "I can barely breathe" "Why, you ingrate How dare you complain?" "When I found you, you were boxing donkeys for money" "You pulled me out of business school you tipsy witch" "I ain't wearing it" "Oh." "Why not?" "Seems perfectly fine to me" "Look, I can do everything you do in it" "I can eat Ang, ang, ang, ang, ang" "And I can sleep Cccrrrr" "Oh, wait" "Watch this" "And I can steal" "Shh" "Heh-heh-heh!" "Shh" "Can you walk through doors?" "No" "Hey Hey, let me in" "Let me in" "Hello" "I didn't know there was a new maid working on this floor" "What?" "!" "I've never seen someone so beautiful" "How long have you been working here?" "Two weeks" "Mm." "Mm-hmm, nutty" "Mm-hmm, mm-hmm Oak-y..." "Mm, with just a hint of embalming fluid" "Hey, just, uh taking out the trash" "Anybody got any trash in here?" "Trash?" "Uh, no, we're good" "Hey." "Where's the chef?" "I thought you were gonna have a chef cook you dinner" "Uh, we sent him home He wasn't attractive" " I thought he was really cute" " That's what I mean" "Good-bye" "Oh, hey, is that salad?" "God, I'm a fan of salad" "Mm" "Well, what kind of lettuce isn't in this?" "It's fantastic" "What are you guys doin'?" "We're on a date!" "Oh, my God" "This is so embarrassing" "I-I--please, just d-don't let me interrupt" "Excuse me" "You wanna go out with me?" "Uh, kind of already on a date" "I don't mean now, but how quickly can you wrap things up here?" "Excuse me" "Tartlets for two" "It's okay, I was just leaving" "What do you say?" "Gasp!" "You just asked him out on a date while he's on a date with me?" "Will Truman!" "That is despicable!" "And totally one of my moves Out in the hall now!" "Rosie!" "I just met the most incredible man" "Are you sure you just didn't lean into the doorknob again?" "No, no" "He's like a dream like that place I go to to work" "Engineering Here to check the thermostat" "Oh, that's him" "Rosie, quick!" "Do I look as bad as you?" "What's going on?" "Well" " He thinks I'm a maid You have to pretend you're me" "Okay, I'll take out my heart and sell my soul to the devil" "We don't have time for that Here, put this on" "Hurry, hurry" "Okay" "Oh..." "Mrs. Walker?" "That's right" " Hi, there" " Hi" "Shut your mouth, maid!" "My jewelry might fall out" "What a monster" "Who taught her to talk to another human being like that?" "I have no idea" "Of course, you don't" "We're different from them you and I" "The rich" "They think they're so much better than we are" "But we have one thing they'll never have" "Rickets?" " Pride" " Pride!" "The true pride that comes of a hard day's work of having friends not possessions" "Of measuring your accomplishments in love given, not dollars spent" "Dollars..." "Will you go out with me tonight?" " Yes!" "C'mon, d-do you even like him?" "I like how I look when I'm next to him" "And he's, he's not as cumbersome as carrying a pomeranian" "Wow, you've, you've fallen harder than I thought" "Look, why don't we just ask Barry who he's more interested in?" "Okay, a-and whoever he says that's who gets him" " Okay, fine" " Good" "Now, this is a very delicate situation" "I hope we can handle it with mutual respect and dignity" "As do I" "Barry-- Hey!" "You know the best part about dating men?" "A lot more slapstick" "Okay, Barry, I know this is-- this seems weird, but w-w-we got a problem See, I, I like you" "Oh, sure, now that you're hot" "But remember when he turned you down before when you were hideous?" "No" "It's just that I-- now I've gotten to know you better and I want to spend time with you" "I want us to date" "But you can't date both of us because we're best friends and I would never do anything to jeopardize my friendship with Will who wears a wig and a truss" "So who are you gonna choose?" "Me, who genuinely cares for you a-and really believes that we could make something great?" "Or me" "Try that" "I-I-I don't know what to say" "I-I like both you guys you know in, in different ways" "But I guess if I had to pick one of you, um" "I-it would have to be..." "Will" "Yes!" "Yes!" "What?" "!" "You're spectacular" "I'm the envy of every maintenance man in this hotel" "Today..." "I walk with the pride of a bellman" "Would you look at this waste?" "Jerks in the penthouse ordered all this food and didn't even touch it" " You guys want it?" " Oh, yeah" "No!" "We do not need their castoffs" "Here" "It's humble, but honest" "Oh" "Thank you" "It's thoughtful, but dry" "I'll get you some mayo" "The mayo of the people" "I've never seen a maid like you before" "Where you from exactly?" "Oh." "I'm from..." "Margaritaville" "So, you excited about your big date?" "Are you kidding?" "I'm so confident about this that I've already signed us up for couples counseling" "Hello" "Nice shirt" "Somewhere, a ballerina is shivering" "Hey, Grace" "What are you doin' tonight?" "'Cause I'm suddenly in the market for a new best friend" "Here, let's see if we click" "I'll say something witty and then you say something back Okay?" "Let's go" "I'm very handsome" "Jack, you're acting like a baby / Oh, how droll" "Let's never be apart" "You're being ridiculous" "Okay, he chose me over you" "Do you think that makes me happy?" "Stop smiling It's unnatural on you" "A smile on you is like a nice pair of legs on a chimp" "C'mon" "I don't feel any better about this than you do" "Stop it!" "Jack, he isn't laughing at you" "He's just laughing with me, at you" "Well, I'm glad this is amusing both of you" "Go on, laugh" "Laugh at the sad, gay clown!" "I curse your date!" "A pox on both your entrees" "Yeah, made the right choice" "Karen, are you okay?" "You haven't been to work in three days" "Things are really gettin' done It's freakin' me out" "Karen?" "Hello-- Ow!" "Karen?" "Just because I'm the new girl they think they can give me the cart with the bum wheel!" "And I'm short two shower caps and a sewing kit and you know that's comin' out of my pay!" "Housekeeping" "Okay, here's a personality..." "I've never met before" "Thought I knew all of them" "What's your name?" "Actually, I'm kinda glad you're here" "I could use some advice" "Well, um, first of all..." "You dust with the feather end not the stick end" "Hm." "Better" "Listen" "I have this friend who lives at The Palace Hotel" "And she and her maid Ro" "Mosario... switched places so that my friend could pose as a poor but honest chambermaid to woo a hunky maintenance man" "Now my friend's fallen in love with him and she's afraid that if she tells him the truth he'll leave her" "Hey, hands off my friend's cart!" "So, you're afraid... that a poor janitor might not love you because you're rich?" "Not me, my friend!" "Well, the way I see it is if the guy really loves her he'll look past the money and see a pure heart the size of a marble" "Yeah." "Maybe you're right" "Thanks, honey" "Now if you'll excuse me" "I have to turn down the beds and put a mint on each pi" "Hey, where are my mints?" "I don't know...." "Can someone help this man?" "I think he's looking for a copy of Boyfriend Stealer Weekly" "C'mon, Jack" "You're not still upset about me and Barry?" "Okay, I guess I'll just have to stop seeing him" "I mean, no guy is worth jeopardizing our friendship" "Reluctant pivot inquisitive head tilt" "I mean, sure, we've had fantastic dates all week talked and laughed had feisty debates and comfortable silences feisty silences and comfortable debates silently debated the comforts of feistiness but... if our being together is gonna upset you in any way" "I'll give him up" "Good I think you should" "No way!" "Are you crazy?" "I'm really into Barry" "He's the first guy in a long time I've felt this way about who's not, you know, an arrow shooting elf from Lord of the Rings" "So just get over it and get happy for me" "No!" "If you continue dating Barry I will never forgive you" "You look older when you're angry" "You're a gorgeous couple" "When are you seeing him again?" "Tomorrow night" "Although, I was, I was kind of thinking of dropping by his place right now and surprising him with I don't know, Chinese food" "You think I should?" "Abs-and-pecks-olutely" "It's very romantic" "And moo goo gai pan is the food of love" "Really?" "Why do you think there's so many Chinese people?" "Thanks, Jack" "You're the best" "Ah..." "Bemused brow raise shake of head" " Will" " Hey!" "Hey, I brought some Chinese food over" "I though maybe we could, uh... order a pizza" "That sounds really nice, but, um..." "I kind of have plans tonight" "Oh?" "Well, what kind of plans?" "Kind of a date" "Oh" "Okay." "Um..." "Uh, you know wh" "I'm" " Huh" " I'm just gonna say this" "I like you, Barry" "I-I-I don't wanna date anybody else and I..." "I was kinda hoping you didn't want to either" "But, you were the one who said" "I, I should play the field for a while that I won't know if I met the right guy until I see what's out there" "You wanna know what's out there?" "Half a million guys in lycra tank tops going" ""Girlfriend!"" "Yeah, you could play the field for a while but what you're eventually gonna find out is that..." "Well..." "I'm the right guy" "So skip the middle part Forget the dating around" "I'm, I'm mid... to... to early 30...mish" "I-I-I-I've done this already" "But I haven't" "Right" "So now you don't have to" "But I want to" "Oh" "Look, Will you're great but I've only been out a month" "And I've only been good-looking a week" "I need to see what's out there" "I wanna do a share on Fire Island" "I wanna see Cher in Vegas" "I want a, I want a drag name" "Something like "Kitty Litter."" "So, y-you..." "you don't wanna..." "I'm sorry" "Look, um, I-I don't have to leave for a bit" "Stay." "I'll um I'll heat up this..." "Order a pizza" "Yeah, you know, I-I-I should, um" "I should go" "So, I'll, uh..." "I'll, I'll see you around" "You're unlike any woman I've ever met" " So good, so real" " Oh" "I know it's only been a short while, but" "I feel as if I know everything there is to know about you" " Me too" " I love you, Lopita" "Wait." "No" "This isn't right" "Or is it the rightest thing ever?" "No." "It's all a lie" "I'm not who you think I am" "I'm not good or real" "I'm evil and imaginary" "And I'm rich" "Filthy rich!" "I, I don't understand" "I'm not a maid" "I'm a snoot, a swell, a fat cat" "Look at these soft, unlined breasts" "They've never done an honest day's work in their lives" "I'm sorry, I didn't hear you" "I've been looking at your breasts" "My name is Karen Walker and I'm the opposite of everything you stand for" "I'm uptown, you're downtown" "I'm upstairs, you're downstairs" "I'm uppers..." "I'm downers" "Do you think that there's any way that you could ever love someone as rich and powerful as me?" " Sure" " Really?" "Of course" "You're my soul mate I love you, rich or poor" "Oh, darling" "I've waited my whole life for this moment" "Let's celebrate" "This calls for champagne" " I don't drink" " It can't work" "We're from two different worlds"