"Out!" "You're barred." "Stick your pub up your arse." " How long for?" " Indefinitely." "What have you still to do?" "Well, I'll have to get a key cut, two bulbs for the hall, bayonet, not screw-in." "I need a battery for that doorbell." "A bottle of Windolene, couple of dusters," " a belt for the Hoover." " Right." "PTO." "Just a minute." " Get a pint." " Oh, aye." "Which of those things will we do first?" "What's the name of this shop, again?" "I don't know." "Barry O'Themes or something." " Shitehole." " Yeah." "There you are, gentlemen." " Top o' the morning and the luck of the Irish." " Ah, that's smashing." " What part of Ireland are you from?" " Springburn." " What's in the bag?" " They're old clothes for the charity shop." "I hope that big honey's on today." " Her with the tits." " Hey, hey, hey!" " What?" " Enough about the tits." "All right, old gentleman Jack." " You coming in?" " No." "I'll wait here." "What's the matter with you?" "You off tits?" "Shut up!" "I'll stand here and I'll smoke my pipe." "Get in." "Are you daft?" " Hello, my darling." "You remember us?" " Eh, I think so." "The two debonair patter merchants for Craigbank." "Oh, yes." "How could I forget?" "So, what would you like to give me?" "Oh, a night on the town, cosy meal, bottle of wine, dancing till 2:00." "A meal, wine and then dancing." "No, I meant in the bag." " That's the mystery, eh, sweetheart?" " Old clothes." "Excuse us." " What's the score with you?" " Why?" "Where's the old silver tongue, eh?" "I'm knocking 'em up and you're sleeping." ""Old clothes." Where's the banter?" "The old double-act." "I cannae be arsed." "Leave her alone." "Leave her..." " (WHISPERING) You fancy her." " I do not." "Aye, ye do." "You've even taken a beamer." "I have not." "It's just..." "It's too warm in here." "Why don't you ask her out?" "She's lovely." " Don't be ridiculous, Victor!" " There's nothing ridiculous about it, Jack." "Just ask her out for a wee meal or something." " You think?" " Aye." "Forgive me, sweetheart." " We don't even know your name." " It's Barbara." "Barbara." "Lovely." "My friend here has something he'd like to ask you." "Oh?" "Winston, have you seen Jack anywhere?" "Aye." "He flew by here two minutes ago, without so much as a "by your leave"." "Right." " What are you doing?" " Oh, sorry." "This is Chris, Tommo, Kelly, Kylie, Pat and Tiffany." "As you can see, Pat and Tiffany are an item." "What the hell are you playing at?" "Look, I'm barred at the Clansman." "I've nowhere else to go." "So you're hanging about with these mutants." "Why don't you just get a drink in the house?" "I'm not drinking in the house on my tod." "It's the company I'm missing." "Sitting there with Jack, your bud, staring at you, as if you're an alky." "Have you tried this?" "Scadooba." "Six percent strawberry." "Barbados in a bottle." "What the hell did Bobby bar you for?" "Well, it was something over nothing, really." "I mean, I went in there and I said," ""Afternoon, Bobby." "A pint of my usual, please."" "So, he gives it to me but it seems a tad cloudy." "So I suggested that maybe he rinse out his pipes, you know." "But Bobby said it wasnae the pipes." "So I merely suggested that I be furnished with a fresh pint." "But, for some reason, Bobby escorted me frae the premises." " Why don't you just get a pint in Brown's?" " Brown's?" "I'm not going to Brown's." "The last time we were in there somebody got stabbed." "Brown's is full of roasters." " It was 15 year ago, for God's sake." " Nae chance." "Brown's is a toilet." "Coming to Gilly's with us for a game of Gran Turismo?" "Aye." "Maybe I could have a pint in Brown's, right enough." "Your door was open there." "What the hell happened to you?" "Ah, well, I dinnae gie a very good impression, did I?" "Oh, no." "You gave a very good impression, Jack." "Of Jesse Owens!" "Right out of the shopping centre and on to a bus." "Ah, well." "My bottle crashed." "I'm past asking anybody oot." "Let's see." "What have we got here?" " Oh, aye, it was a rare day, that, eh?" " Aye." "Who's that?" "You know, that big dame there." "Well, that's Janet Friel." "That was the spinster that lived up the stairs." "Aye, aye, aye." "Janet Friel." " Butter wouldnae melt, eh, Jack?" " Aye." "Did she not get pumped in the lavvy that day?" "That's right, aye." "It was Winston's father, the dirty old bastard." "Aye." "How long's Jean away, now, Jack?" "Hmm, in about two weeks it'll be 10 year." "Ten year." "That means my Betty's away 12 year." "Aye." "It's all racing away for us now, eh?" "Aye." "I cannae be bothered with it." "I'm not going through all that again." "You know, Jack, it's not my place to tell you how long a man should mourn but ten year..." "Ten years is plenty." "Aye." "Going on a date doesnae betray Jean's memory." "She'd want you to be happy." "Why don't you get down to that shop, ask that woman out, eh?" "Besides, big titties." "Here, did this not used to be Brown's?" "That's right, sir." "Changed hands years ago." "Oh, right." " So what can I get you, sir?" " A pint of lager, please." "Jeez, it must be 15 years since I was in here last." "Really?" " That's L1.30." " Eh?" "L1.30?" "Jeez, look at that." "Nice clean pint, eh?" " This is a smashing shop you've got, son." " Thanks very much." "That's a message frae Bobo Mitchells." "See you in another 15 year." "Listen, now." "Do you mind very much if I go in myself?" "Right, on you go in..." "Wait a minute." "What are you going to say?" "Eh, I'm going to say, "Hello, Barbara." "It's me, Jack." ""Nice to see you again." ""Allow me to be straight with you, Barbara." ""I've admired you for a long time from afar." ""And it occurred to me, well, you and I are about the same age." ""And I wondered, if you were free to do so," ""Would you like to accompany me to maybe a movie show" ""or for a meal or something to drink?" "What do you say, Barbara?"" "That's lovely, Jack." "Hello." "Go out?" "That would be lovely." "(SIGHING)" "When?" "Erm, Thursday." "Oh, Thursday." "I generally go out on Thursdays with my sister." "Oh." "Wait." "What about your pal?" "The four of us could go out." "Aye." "Erm, just a minute." "How'd you get on?" "How did we get on?" "She said, "Aye." And she's got a sister!" "Oh." "They're not coming." "They've given us a dissy." "Relax." "They'll be here." "It'll be that bus that'll be bloody late." "Ah, it'll be that stupid bastard that drives at two miles an hour 'cause he's blind." " Oh, here we go." " All right." " You nervous?" " Nervous?" "I am nervous." "I'd be right to be nervous, you know?" "I havenae a clue what this sister looks like." "This is bloody torture." "Hello, Jack." "Hello, Victor." "This is my sister, Edith." "Two pints, sir." "Erm, who's the other one for?" "Me." "Oh, what a drouth I've got in me." "Oh, I'm mad with the thirst." "It's like a sandal." "An Arab's sandal, aye." "I'm dry." "Bone-dry." "Is that a bottle needing changing, Bobby, is it?" "Here, Winston, quick!" "You'll get me bloody barred as well." "Oh, dear." "Cheers." "That's smashing." "Why do you not just go in and apologise to him first?" "He can whistle for it." "I'm not apologising." "I'm fine oot here." "Here, when you get back in there, tell big Arthur to sit on his arse and I can see the football and all." " Hello, lads." " Hi, Winston." "Oh." "Hello, ladies." "I'm Winston." "Hello, Winston." " Are you still barred?" " Aye." "Here, which one of you two unlucky bastards is saddled with the munchkin?" "Right, that's it!" " Where are you going?" " Home." "I'm not sitting in my local with that thing, Jack." "Oh, well, that's just perfect, innit?" "You're going AWOL and leaving me with these two women." "I only saw one woman, Jack." "I don't know what that other one is." " A munchkin, sure." " Shut up!" "Come on, Victor." "Give it a chance." "Bail me out here." "Right." "You owe me." "Aye, aye, aye." "Are you wanting anything brought out?" " Aye, bag of nuts." " Bag of nuts, right." " Big bag or a wee bag?" " Wee bag." "Just like Victor's." "Victor." "Jack." "What are youse doing in at this time?" "We're out with a couple of friends if it was any of your bloody business." "By the way, while I'm at it, when are you letting Winston back in?" "When he apologises." "Aren't you going to introduce me?" " No!" " Certainly." " Barbara." " Hello." " Hello, Barbara." " And Edith." "Victor." "Hello." " Oops a daisy." " Hi." "What can I do youse for?" "Erm, well, we'll have our usual." " Barbara." " Gin and tonic, please." " Edith." " A pint of Guinness." "I'll bring them over." " What's the score?" " 2-1, Chelsea." "(MAN CHATTERING ON TV)" "(KNOCKING ON DOOR)" "Move!" "Are you apologising?" "There's your apology, you prick!" "You're still barred." "So, is this your local, then?" "Oh, aye, myself and Victor, we've been coming here a long time, aye." "Oh, Edith." " So, do you work in the shop with Barbara?" " No." "So..." "So..." "So..." "So..." "I do alterations and that." "Sewing." "L6.80." "Well, you might wanna have a word with Bobby and alter his prices, Edith." "I'm saying that with Edith doing the alterations and that, she might want to alter the prices in here." "I heard you." "(JACK HUMMING)" "JACK:" "Here's your bus now." "Listen, that was lovely, Jack." "I had a lovely time." "I must say, Barbara, youse are good company." "Lot of fun." "I'm just saying, Victor, good company." "Aye, good company." "Right." "See you soon, then, Jack." "There you are, Edith." "Good night." "So, what's your next move?" "Och, I don't know." "If she gives me a phone, I'll take it frae there, you know." " Will you be seeing, uh..." " No." "(JACK AND VICTOR SIGHING)" "# Oh, you beautiful doll" "# You great big beautiful doll... #" "(DOORBELL RINGING)" "Oh, Victor." "(CLEARING THROAT)" " Oh, hi, Victor." " Hi, Jack." "It's Sunday morning." "Let's fatten up the ducks." "Eh, I cannae." "What're you talking about?" "It's Sunday." "It's park day." "Come on." "Well, actually, I'm going down the park with Barbara." "Oh, right." "So, erm..." " See you after." " Aye." "Enjoy yourself." "Egg, toilet roll..." "Just the one big Kit-Kat?" "Aye, what of it?" "You normally get two big Kit-Kat." "One for you, one for Jack." "We didnae do everything together, Navid." "We're not joined at the hip." "Oh, fall out, eh?" "Bad news." "Ah, you cannae afford to be falling out with your pals at your age." "And why would that be, Trisha?" "Well, you're an old man." "You could die in the night." "And then you and Jack would be in separate worlds with unfinished business." "L2.20." "Hello, Victor." "Jeez." "Erm, hello, Isa." "Where's your wee pal today?" " Think they fell out." " We havenae fallen oot." " Lucky Donkey, Navid." " Oh, I'll have a Lucky Donkey, now, Navid." "You'll be at a bit of a loose end with Jack tripping the light fantastic with that Barbara sort." "No, Isa." "Good luck to them." "Two Donkeys." " Victor, I've got something to tell ya." " What is it, Isa?" " This Barbara, well, she's..." " Let me guess." "She's the black widow." " No, no." "She's..." " Junkie." "She's a lap dancer working at a bad club in the town firing ping-pong balls right out the duff." "(CHUCKLING) That's a cracker." ""Out the duff." Pong, pong, pong." " Well, you know I don't like gossip." " Aye, you do." "I was at the doctor's this morning." "Women's troubles." "And who else is sitting there but Elsa Clark." "She's got angina, right enough." "Her living alone and all." "Well, her daughter works at the Tesco's and the manager there is Alec Bolson." "Remember him?" "The fellow that drinks too much." "Everybody thought he was gay, turns out he wasnae." "Well, he started a Saturday boy, a nice boy, Victor, bad with the acne." "And he'd been at Terry's and got pally with Norma Flynn's boy, Rab, with a funny hand like a claw." "All the bairns called him Rab the Crab, mind." "Well, his girlfriend's mother was throwing oot an old tea set that her granny had left her." "Well, it was perfectly good but she didnae need it." "So she gave it to Rab to take up to the charity shop in the precinct." "Rab says to himself, "Hold on a minute."" ""I don't need to come up to the town."" ""I'll take it up myself." So he does." "But she's not in." "So her man takes in the tea set." "Whose man took in the tea set, Isa?" "Barbara's man." "She's married." " VICTOR:" "Have you, eh?" " JACK:" "I have, aye." "Ah, so have I." "(MAN ON LOUDSPEAKER)" " So how many books did you get?" " Two." "What, just one each?" "That's not very much." "Eh, any mair than that, you'll be busier than a one-armed cabbie with crabs." " I'll get the coffee." " Right you are." "MAN: (ON RADIO) Seven, two..." "Winston, what're you doing in here?" "Nowhere else to go, sure." "You're a dab hand at that." "Aye, well, that's what a week out of the Clansman does for you." " Is it a week already?" " Aye." "Longest week of my life." "You see, this morning, I had the crossword done, taught myself chess and wallpapered the fireplace wall before my first shite of the day." "You missed a scene the other night." "You know Big Tony, you know." "Well, he's steaming drunk, you know, and he's in the pub." "He's shouting and balling, "I can juggle." Of course, nobody believes him." "Eventually a right good few of them say, "We'll buy you a drink if you can juggle right enough."" "So he's full of that red stuff, that gunk." "That after-shots stuff." "Full of it." "He's round the back of the bar and he's up on a stool on one leg, they're all going, "Tony, Tony."" "You never really missed much." "It was a lot of shite." "Did you see Larry Hagman on Lorraine Kelly this morning?" " No, I did not." "No." " I did." " Looking his age, isnae he?" " Is he, aye." "I thought he looked after himself and all." "You wanna get yourself back over to that Clansman, fella." "I see you're in with Big Boobra." " Barbara." " Whatever." " You still seeing Victor?" " Aye." "No." "Oh, aye." "Giving him a wide berth since you hooked up with your fancy piece, eh?" " That's poor." " What's poor?" "Leaving Victor hung oot to dry like that." "I mean, don't get me wrong." "If I was getting some hole flung at me" "I'd be distracted and all, but you've got to look after your pals." "Hey, hey, hey." "It's not like that with me and Barbara." "We're just companions." "The queue is murder." "Oh, hello there." "Winston, isn't it?" " Hello, hen." " Full house!" "Jammy cow." "Right, that's me." "That's me off, ladies." "Goodbye." "Jack." "Barbara." "Bye." "I've got a clarinet lesson at 2:00." "It's all about where you put your fingers, you know." "(CLEARING THROAT)" " Oh, hello, Victor." " Hello, Barbara." " Cloudy today, isnae?" " Aye, cloudy." "I want my pal back." " What do you mean?" " You know fine what I mean." "You've no right being with him." "You're married." "Oh." "Right." "That." "What do you think you're playing at, eh?" "Jack's been widowed ten year." "You cannae go tinkering with someone's feelings like that." "Listen, Victor, the last thing I was gonna do was hurt Jack." "He's great company." "And that's all there is to it." "Well, what does your hubby think of that, eh?" "(DOOR OPENING)" "He doesnae know." "Doesn't know what?" "Doesnae know what to charge for the cardigan... s." " What're you doing in here, anyway?" " Just bringing in mair clothes." "Right, Barbara, how does this sound for tonight?" "Pepper steaks." " Tonight?" " Och, you've got other plans." "No, no." "Tonight would be fine." " Smashing." "Right." "What about you, Victor, tonight?" " Eh?" "Well, I thought the three of us could sit down and have a nice wee nosh-up." "Oh, no." "You do your thing." "I don't want to..." "Three's a crowd, Jack." "Oh, come on, now." "I was always gonna ask you." "So you were." "And what's for pudding?" "Gooseberries?" "Erm, well... exhibit A. Read 'em and weep." "Three juicy steaks." "How about it?" "Come on." "Aye, all right." " Aye." " Good." "Is there sugar in this, Jack?" "Oh." "There will be." "See, Barbara takes sugar in her tea." "Sorry, sorry." "Saw Winston earlier on." "Oh, aye." " He's still barred at the Clansman." " Really?" "You're awful quiet." "Nae reason." " You in a huff 'cause of me and Barbara?" " No." "It's..." "It's not that." "Well, what is it then?" "I've something to tell you, Jack." "I'm your pal and you need to know." "Sit down." "(PHONE RINGING)" "9135." "Oh, hello, Barbara." "Yes." "Well, where are you?" "Oh, how..." "Oh, I see." "No, not at all." "No." "Well, I'll see you..." "All right." "Oh." "Oh, that's..." "Not at all." "No, no, no." "Not at all." "Well, look after yourself, then, Barbara." "And all the best." "Yes." "(CLEARING THROAT) Yes." "You too." "Bye, now." "That was Barbara." "Aye." "She'll not be coming." "No." "Said she's, erm..." "I know." "I'm sorry, Jack." "That's all right, Victor." "That's all right." "Cheers." "(CHATTERING)" "That was a rare meal, Jack boy." "I am stuffed." "Aye." "Me and all, I'm as full as a load." " Right." " I see youse two are pally again." " JACK:" "Winston." " Keep cool." "You'll blow my cover." " Two pints, Bobby." " Three pints." "Erm, three pints, Bobby." "What the hell are you playing at?" "He's not winning." "I'll stand here, happy as you like." "The perfect customer." "He'll be none the wiser." "Well, nobody's tippled?" "Youse two didnae." "Here you go, boys." "Thank you." "Here you are, mate." "Here you, you dirty bastard." "That's exactly what I'm on about." "That pint's a bloody disgrace." "I knew that would bring you out, you daft old tit." "Shut up!" " Drink it." "Drink it." " Watch me." "Here!" "(BEEPING)" "It's good to be living." "(CHUCKLING) I've missed that place." "Oh, my head." "What a night." "I'll Just take another wee half hour." "(EXCLAIMING)" "Morning."