"You want another burger, Al?" "They're almost finished." "You made 'em just like I like 'em." "Dark." "There you go, honey." "Mm-hmm." "Mm-hmm." "Well..." "Urp!" "I'm full." "Okay, honey, now it's time to do your chores." "Wait a second, Peg." "We had sex three nights ago." "I'm still kind of woozy." "The garbage, Al." "The longer of the two jobs." "And the more rewarding." "Don't you even know how to do that?" "Aw, thanks, Peg." "Now it's exactly like sex." "I can't believe it." "I failed." "Which class was it this time?" "Oh, Daddy, I'm not talking about school." "Why would I care about that?" "Mom, I flirted with a boy, and he paid no attention to me." "Oh, honey." "Well, you can't give up." "You've gotta keep on trying." "Well, there's nowhere left to go once you've stood in the boys' shower, wearing a sign that says "soap."" "Hey, I play for keeps." "It's unbelievable." "Every time I've wanted a guy, I've gotten him." "I mean, I'm famous for it, but this guy won't even look at me." "Mom, you've got to help me." "What did you do in school to get guys?" "Same thing she does now to chase them away." "Daddy, we're talking." "Just clean up the garbage, Al." "Oh, God." "Well, Kelly, a good place to start is to pretend that you have a common interest." "Now, what does this guy like?" "Football." "Everyone wants a football player." "I played football." "You know, football players aren't very bright, and they usually wind up doing menial jobs for minimum wage, desperately clinging to their former glory." "Yep, yep." "They called me Touchdown Bundy." "Yeah, I was great." "Mom, I have never failed at getting a guy." "I mean, once that goes, I'm nothing." "No, Kel." "Once the lips stop saying, "Yes,"" "and the eyes stop saying, "Duh,"" "then you're nothing." "If only it was as easy for me as it is for Bud." "A Penthouse, a night light, and a pillow named Shirley." "One problem at a time, kids." "Now, Kelly, here's what I think you're doing wrong." "Stop flirting with this boy at school." "Get him alone with no distractions." "Get him to tell you all his secret dreams and hopes, and then use them to crush him." "The important thing is to go after what you want." "I did." "AL:" "Peg, I stepped in the garbage can, and I can't get out!" "I'll be right there, Al!" "Just be sure it really is what you want." "Hey, no-life, I need a favor." "I want you help me get this guy." "What's wrong, the breakaway blouse isn't working?" "Hey, I'm asking you nice, you little eunuch." "Anyway, I have an idea." "I checked up on this guy, and I know he's not doing too good in English." ""Well," Kelly." "Well what?" "[SIGHS]" "Okay." "So he ain't done no good in English." "So what?" "Okay, once again." "In Of Mice And Men, the big one was..." "Lenny." "Very good." "And the little one was..." "Squiggy?" "Good." "Good." "Now that we've, uh, conquered literature, let's move on to spelling." "First word..." ""Tramp."" "Okay, I think it's time for a break." "Now, listen, Matt." "You just stay here and run the alphabet from A to F like we've been doing." "I'm Kelly." "Remember?" "We met in the boys' shower the other day?" "Oh, yeah." "The soup girl." "The soap girl." "S-O-P-E." "You're a football player." "I have a football question for you." "I get cramps in my leg right here." "Do you think you could get that out?" "Well, it may take some time, but I'll do what I can." "Uh, hi, Dad." "Dad, I'm Kelly, and this is Matt." "I'd like you to meet us." "Nice to meet you, Kelly." "So, uh, you're the football player, huh?" "You know, I used to play football." "You remember the Panthers of '66?" "Yeah, they were the last championship team at our school." "Daddy..." "AL:" "Later, Kelly." "You know who the fullback was on that team?" "Take a guess." "Red Grange?" "Well, close." "Me." "You're Red Grange?" "Pleased to meet you, sir." "Uh, I'm pleased to meet you too, but you can call me by my nickname, Al Bundy." "Daddy..." "So, what position do you play, son?" "Fullback." "Yeah?" "Well, we went both ways in our day." "Well, now a lot of the guys on the team go both ways." "Not me, though." "I like girls." "Ahem." "Ahem." "Kelly, you want to take something for that?" "Anyhow, yeah, we were really great back then." "Yep." "Only team in Polk history to go undefeated." "Now, that's something that'll never happen again." "We're undefeated too." "Hmm?" "Well, h-how many games you got left?" "One." "This Saturday." "You really ought to come see your record go down the drain, Mr. Grange." "I can get you good seats." "Did I tell you that I hold the school record for touchdowns in a season?" "That's amazing." "I'm one touchdown away from breaking that record too." "[LAUGHS]" "It's a young man's world, you know?" "[LAUGHS]" "You know I think we have an old football out back." "What say me and you go out there and you, uh...show me some of your moves?" "Sure." "Let's go." "Uh, Matt, remember?" "My leg?" "Oh, I'll look at it later, Kathy." "It's Kelly." "The soup girl." "Hey, Kel, where's Matt?" "AL:" "Damn it!" "[LAUGHS]" "That's what we call a "fake left, go right."" "Well..." "I'm a little rusty." "You want to try it again?" "You little son of a..." "I can't believe it." "I almost had him." "[LAUGHS]" "That's what we call a "faking you out of your jock."" "Yeah, well, I thought I dropped a quarter." "Let's try it again." "Go back there and take a run at it this time." "Give it up, Kelly." "You're just not his type." "I am everybody's type." "But why can't I get this one guy?" "Because all he knows is sports, and all he likes is cheerleaders." "[STOMPING]" "AL:" "Ooh!" "[THUD]" "That's what I call an "open-handed chop to the Adam's apple."" "Then that's what I'm gonna be, a cheerleader." "Kelly, I hate to burst your bubble, but there's only one more game left, and the squad is full." "It's impossible." "Who could have put poison oak in your pompoms?" "Damn the luck." "Next." "I'm Kelly Bundy, and the dream of my life is to become a Polk Dot, so here's a little cheer that I wrote myself." "[QUIETLY] 1, 2, 3, 4..." "P-O-K-E!" "Poke High!" "Yay!" "Very good, but it's P-O-L-K, Polk High." "You know, after President James K. Polk?" "What do you think, Ms. Mount?" "[GRUFFLY] I like her." "I like her a lot." "Congratulations, Miss Bundy, you are now a Polk Dot." "I'm so excited." "Congratulations, Kelly!" "That's so great!" "Get a life, will you?" "[WHISTLE BLOWS]" "[MARCHING BAND PLAYING]" "All right, 33 to the right." "Now, make it work." "[ALL SHOUTING]" "[CROWD CHEERING]" "Oh, come on, Al, perk up." "I mean, even if your record is broken, you still have me." "Yeah, and my job as shoe salesman." "That's right, honey." "Sometimes you've just got to pick the man up." "Oh, buck up, Al, Polk's only up by 7." "Aw, Polk can't lose." "It's a home game against the school from the rich white neighborhood." "Let's face it, Steve, my record's history." "I really tried to hurt that kid, you know?" "I know, Al." "Hey, I got something to make you feel better." "Look at this." "Now, watch this, Al." "Yay, team!" "Am I a fan, or what?" "I feel so alone." "Oh, honey, look at our little girl." "She may not graduate, but she is the prettiest cheerleader in school." "ALL [CHANTING]:" "Poke 'em in!" "Poke 'em out!" "Poke 'em, poke 'em in the snout!" "If they holler, let 'em go!" "Eeny, meeny, miney, mo!" "Polk High!" "Go, Matt!" "Come here!" "I'm yours!" "Why doesn't Matt ever play with the ball over by me?" "Yoo-hoo, Matt!" "Matt!" "Hey, don't pat him, pat me!" "Ow!" "[CROWD CHEERING]" "Yay, Kelly!" "[LAUGHS]" "Ah..." "Look at her, Marce." "I'm so proud of her." "See how she raises her legs higher than everyone else?" "Yes." "But the other girls are standing up." "ANNOUNCER:" "And the point-after is good." "The score, the James K. Polk Panthers, 14, the Chester A. Arthur Aryans, nothing." "[CROWD APPLAUDING]" "You stink!" "Oh, Al, must the fact that your glory days are over drag us all down?" "I mean, even if your record is broken, you still hold the record for the most consecutive days without sex, and no high school kid's gonna break that one." "You know, it's amazing." "You got to give Marcy a lot of credit." "I thought she'd be gloating, but she genuinely feels bad for me." "MARCY:" "Look at those young boys." "Those tight little buns squeezed into those tight little uniforms." "Spike me, baby." "Spike me." "ANNOUNCER:" "And late in the second quarter, the score, Polk, 14, Chester A. Arthur, 7." "This is discrimination." "You know, the guys on the team have it so easy." "A guy gets a little knee to the groin, he gets treated like a baby." "Well, I'm cheering with a bunion, and I want some attention." "Water boy!" "What are you doing here?" "Well, I had a little poison oak left over, so I decided to take out the water boy." "Meet the new water boy." "You don't even bathe." "What do you know about water?" "I know if you spray some on a cheerleader's sweater, you get a cheap thrill." "I want water." "Oops." "All right, now, listen up." "This game is for the championship." "I want 100 percent." "Right?" "Yeah!" "Right!" "Here's the play we're gonna run." "Now, look" "Don't mind me." "I'm just here to cheer." "Go, Matt!" "Hey!" "Do you mind?" "Do I interrupt when you're speaking?" "Ow!" "[CROWD CHEERING]" "Get him!" "Yeah!" "All right!" "Cheerleader huddle!" "All right, girls." "We're up, but it's close, and the guys really need your support." "Men always need a woman's support." "What do they give us?" "Nothing we can use." "That's why we must treasure these moments together." "By the way, tonight will be the traditional year-end slumber party at my place." "You seniors know what I mean." "All right, now, get out there and shake your dots for Polk High!" "[CHANTING] Our team is what?" "OTHERS [CHANTING]:" "Red hot!" "Our team is what?" "Red hot!" "Our team is R-E-D red H-O-T hot!" "Once we start we cannot stop!" "Uh-huh!" "Uh-huh!" "Hike!" "[***]" "[CROWD GASPS]" "So when do the football players come over and talk to us?" "[SCOFFS]" "Nobody talks to us." "We might as well be lepers." "I can't wait till this game is over." "So, you want to come to my house tonight and play some records?" "No." "You're a geek." "ANNOUNCER:" "And we're late in the fourth quarter, and Polk is six minutes away from an undefeated season." "I can't take this." "Ah, what else could happen to me?" "ANNOUNCER:" "Your attention, please." "Folks, I've just been told" "Red Grange is in the stands today." "Maybe he'll stand up for us." "[APPLAUSE]" "Did you see him?" "ANNOUNCER:" "Matt Gibson has the ball." "He cuts right." "He's running down the sidelines." "Matt, Matt!" "Yoo-hoo!" "Matt!" "555-287..." "[***]" "[BLOWS WHISTLE]" "MARCY:" "So young, so young..." "Hey, number 21, if you got the place, I'll do the time." "Oh, yeah." "PEG:" "Poor Al." "He's having such a miserable day." "Gee, I hope he doesn't realize this jacket cost $200." "AL:" "My record is going to hell." "No one will remember me." "And my wife is wearing a $200 jacket." "STEVE:" "I think if I get into fourth gear a little sooner," "I can really increase my miles per gallon." "Oh, man, I'll tell Marcy on the way home." "It'll really turn her on." "ANNOUNCER:" "It's Polk with the ball." "They're up 21-14 with 20 seconds to go." "There's the snap." "The ball pops loose." "It lands in the hands of an Aryan." "He's lumbering into the end zone." "Touchdown!" "Yes!" "It's now Polk, 21, Chester A. Arthur, 20, and they're going for the win with a 2-point conversion." "Please let me have this one." "I haven't asked you for much." "You haven't given me much." "You owe me." "Come on, Aryans!" "Rommel fakes back to pass." "He spots Himmler open in the end zone." "He's got it." "The Aryans take the lead, 22-21, with 10 seconds to go in the game." "Ya-ha-ha-ha-ha!" "PEG:" "Oh, God." "Now I'm gonna have to hear about his stupid record for the rest of my life." "I'm so happy for you, honey." "[LAUGHING]" "I'm going to Disneyland." "There's still 10 seconds left." "Anything can happen." "Steve, there's three things I'm sure of in this life:" "One is I'll be selling shoes till the day I die." "Two is Peggy'll win the lottery the very next day." "And three is there's no way Polk's gonna win this game." "Only way Polk can win is if they run the kickoff all the way back for a touchdown." "That's impossible." "I can't believe this." "The last play of the last game." "I've done all this, and he didn't even notice me." "And he never will." "ANNOUNCER:" "There's the kickoff." "Matt Gibson takes it deep in his own end zone." "[LAUGHS]" "He's at the 10." "He's hit." "Now he breaks a tackle and cuts left and heads up field." "He's at the 20, the 30." "He cuts right." "He could go all the way!" "No!" "No!" "Somebody stop him!" "Anybody!" "That's my sideline!" "Here he comes!" "Matt!" "Matt!" "Over here!" "ANNOUNCER:" "He's at midfield all alone." "He's gonna do it!" "Nobody can catch him!" "I'll be damned." "Gibson is down!" "[LAUGHING] [GUNSHOT]" "And there's the gun!" "It's over!" "The Aryans win 22-21." "Huh-ho, heartbreak!" "Now that the season's over, homework, my house, midnightish?" "Here's my phone number." "[SIGHS]" "[CROWD BOOING]" "Call me!" "Well, I know you're upset, but maybe next time you'll know better than to bet on a high school football game." "[SIGHS]" "That was Reverend Felcher." "Church is another place the Bundys are not allowed." "Ah, it's the freeway ban that really hurts." "Honey, you've got to talk to Kelly." "Tell her what she did was wrong, and she disgraced the entire family, which is not an easy thing to do." "I'll handle it, Peg." "[DOOR OPENS]" "Hi, Daddy." "Kelly, sit down here a minute." "Kelly, I want to talk to you about what happened this afternoon." "Good girl." "[***]"