"_" "Am I gonna die, captain?" "It'll be all right, private." "Do you hear me?" "You need to look that angel of death right in the eye and shout, "what the shit is that?"" " Macho man T-shirt." " A macho man T-shirt?" "All right, everyone stop!" "God damn it, I told all of you we need to make this authentic," "And look at you." "Uh, yeah, you guys." "Don't you know what rebels look like?" "The only one taking this reenactment seriously is Dr. Kuzniak." "Reenactment?" "What reenactment?" " Quick question, can I buy him?" " This some bullshit." "I don't give a shit about your cotton-picking problems." "See what I did there?" " I'ma get you for this, asshole." " Quit complaining." "You're not the only slave here." "Ew." "Denzel, the most important thing in civil war reenactment is historical accuracy." "Hold on." "It's a, uh..." "A call from the future." "What?" "Listen, some old woman called claiming to be your mother." "I said, "that's a cruel joke." "His mom is dead."" "Then she got really upset." " She said she's on her way over." " Mommy?" "Nooo!" "Captain's leading the charge." "Let's get them sumbitches!" " Hey, no fair." "I shot you." " Lick my musket balls, yankee." "Four score and seven..." " Yee-haw!" " Whoo-hoo!" " We just won the civil war." " I told you the south would rise again." "It's going to be just like the good old days." "Awkward." "3x04 - "That Brothers My Father"" "Wheel... of... fortune!" "I'm Pat Sajak, and it's identical twins week here on wheel." "Either that or I'm extremely drunk again." " Pat's so funny." " Connie, where were you?" "You missed the whole reenactment." "Oh, sorry, Ethel." "I've been busy." "Today's the day my lifelong dream will finally come true." "Connie, they've been putting cheese in the crust for years now." "No, my other lifelong dream." "Wheel of fortune is coming to Hazelhurst." "Here, you can read all about it in The Daily Patter." "You subscribe to a daily Pat Sajak newsletter?" "No, silly, I write it." "And I've been watching 86 straight hours of Wheel to get ready for my tryout." "Want to borrow some tapes?" "I have every episode ever." "This one's a mix tape." "All love puzzles." "Oh!" "Time for me to go camp out in line." "Oh, Pat, I can't wait to meet you in person." "Whoa, you stink." "Code red, Malloy!" "We got to clean this place up before Mommy gets here." "Here." "Let me help you." "I got to clear my Google history and my Bing history and all the things I asked jeeves about squirters." "You know what?" "Screw it." "If your mom's still alive, then whose ashes are in that urn?" "Ex-girlfriend who gave me some lip." "It also doubles as a swear jar." "Why did you tell everybody your mom was dead in the first place?" "Because she's a [bleep] nightmare." "The year was 1968, and I was just an average American boy." "Son!" "Uh, a fire started on my pee pee, and I had to rub it out." "I think it's time you learned about the birds and the bees." "She talked to you about sex." "So what?" "About sex?" "Uh-uh." "She locked me in a closet full of birds and bees!" "This is what happens to boys who touch their dirty pecker." "Just because you're a big baby, you deprived me of a grandmother?" "The one person whose job it is to spoil me." " Someone is going to pay for this." " The Jews?" "Dear god, she's here!" "Quick!" "I got to put on this Christmas sweater she knitted me." "Well, that puts the "Christ" in Christmas." " Woodrow, my dear." " Hi, Mommy." "Oh, what a lovely home you have here." "Uh-oh, dusty." "You forgot to dust our plant when you were little." "That's why your father left." "I'm sorry, Mommy." "I'm a bad boy." "Spank me." "Spank me!" "Oh, don't be silly, Woodrow." " We'll just call that strike one." " Oh, okay." " Malloy, forget you saw that." " Oh, I wish I could." "And you must be my cute little grandcubby." "I am, gam-gam." "Oh, I can't wait to spoil you to death." "See, Woody?" "Grandma's not a horrible [bleep] like you said." "Ah!" "My little comedian." "Don't listen to him, Mommy." "I love having you here." "Oh, good, because I was thrown out of the nursing home." "Apparently when your roommate cheats at bingo, you're not allowed to cut her feeding tube." "So I'm moving here forever." " What?" " Yay!" "You can have Woody's room." " Wonderful." " You know, you ought to make Woody one of those "don't touch your pecker" sweaters for every day of the week." "He's got a problem." "Would you like to solve the puzzle?" "Tuh-hee caht..." "eyen... tuh-hee hawt." "Next." "Okay." "Give the wheel a spin." " Oh, [bleep] this." " Next." "Tell us a little something about you." "My name's Connie, and if I ever met Pat Sajak," " I'd probably crap myself." " Uh-huh." "Good job, Connie." "Okay, Connie." "This first one is a phrase..." "I'd like to solve the puzzle." ""a partridge in a pear tree."" "Oh, my god." "That's amazing." "Looks like we filled our last slot." "Very impressive." "P-P-Pat Sajak?" "Uh-oh." "And this is his first day of kindergarten." "I think we all know what bus he was riding." "I had to come to school six times that day." "Because he missed his Mommy?" "No, because he refused to consume anything but my breast milk until he was 17." "You made me do that!" "You said solid food would give me polio." " What's that, Woodrow?" " Uh, Mommy milk is nummy yummy." "Damn, who's the kinky hottie with the wrinkly body?" "Oh, no." "Oh, no, no." "No, you don't." "No way." " Call me Denzel." " Oh, my." "Well, aren't you just the sweetest young man?" "Anita Johnson." "Good, 'cause you about to get a big one." " You certainly come on strong." " Oh, I come on a lot of things." " Want me to show you?" " All right, Denzel." "Get out of here!" "Oh, my baby's upset." "Maybe he needs some of Mommy's nummy yummy." "Great idea, Malloy." "Oh, no, no, no!" "I had a big breakfast." "Suck it, Woodrow." "Milk's gone bad." "So, uh, what time should I be here for the taping?" "Connie, the insurance adjuster is telling us the smartest thing to do would be to set fire to this building." "Even the soil on which this building stands has been rendered barren for generations to come." "So short answer, there will be no taping." "Not for you, not ever, please go." "No!" "I can't go!" "This is my dream!" "We got a spinner." "Tranq her and yank her." "Oh!" "Mommy, listen." "You got to stay away from this Denzel guy." "He's trouble." "Trust me, he eats old ladies for breakfast." "Oh, you don't need to tell me, son." "He's doing that to me right now." "'Sup, Woody?" "You son of a bitch!" "I'll kill you!" "Woody, stop." "That's no way to treat your father." " My father?" " Oh, you didn't hear?" "We got married." "I'm your daddy." "Good morning, son." "I hope all that screaming your mama did last night didn't keep you up." " I didn't notice." " Really?" "Well, how about the sound of my balls slapping against her big old ass?" "You had to hear that." "Bap!" "Bap!" "Bap!" "Bap!" "Bap!" "Bap!" "Bap!" "I know what you're doing." "You're just getting back at me for the whole slave thing," " but you have gone too far, Denzel." " Please, call me daddy." "I'll call you a son of a bit... bestest daddy in the whole wide world." " Good morning, boys." " Morning, baby." "I'm surprised you can walk straight." "Oh!" "Hey, boy, run into the kitchen and grab your daddy a beer." "You are not the boss of me!" "Woodrow, Denzel is your father now, and you're going to do what he says." " Understand?" " But..." "Yes, Mommy." "Ha ha!" "Me and you, we're gonna have a lot of fun, son." "Hi, Pat." "Where am I?" " Help." "Someone help me!" " Relax, Pat." "We're going to be best friends." "You?" "You're the shit woman." "What do you want?" "Ahh." "It feels as perfect as it looks." "Get away from me, you crazy stalker." "I'm not a crazy stalker." "Just ask Back-Pat." "Well, hello there, Pat." "I'm Back-Pat." "Look, I'm not sure what you want from me, but..." " Say hello back, Pat." " I'm confused." "Are you telling Back-Pat to say hello again, or do you want me to say hello back to Back-Pat?" "Don't [bleep] with me, Sajak." "Just because I love you and your smooth botoxed skin doesn't mean I won't snap your goddamn spine!" "Be careful." "I think she's crazy." "Hey!" "What are you doing?" " I'm watching the hockey game." " Shut your ass up!" "Man, white people." "You know what I'm saying?" " What's so goddamn funny?" " Quiet, boy." "Whi-i-i-i-i-ite people!" " I did not see that coming." " I can't take this crap!" " I'm sick of your bullshit!" " Stop it!" "Like it or not, we are a family now." "You two need to spend the day together like father and son." " But, Mommy..." " Oh, Anita, I don't want to." "No arguments!" "Yes, ma'am." "Oh, what's the matter, Malloy?" "Daddy and grandpa Denzel were fighting." " I'm scared, gam-gam." " Oh, you poor little bear." "Here, I found this stack of hundreds in Woody's underwear drawer." "White people." "You know what I'm saying." "One for me and one for Pat" " and four for me and one for Pat." " Connie, what are you doing?" "You're taking enough food for ten people." "Yeah." "You usually only take enough for nine." "Um, there's a good re..." "uh, a good explana..." "Day two in the mysterious disappearance of television icon Pat Sajak." "Last seen at his hotel, witnesses report seeing some sort of giant orange sea cow in the vicinity." "Connie's hoarding food, and Pat Sajak is missing?" "Steve, are you doing the math on this?" "Yes." "Boobies!" "It is kind of nice out here." "I'm only here because Mommy's making me." "You are on my everlasting shit list!" "Okay, look, I was a little hard on you, but I'd say we're even now." " Plus, I really do like your mama." " Whatever." "Oh, damn it." "I don't know how to bait this hook." "Here you go." "Didn't your dad ever take you fishing?" "Only once, and it took that hooker all night to get her fists deep up my..." "Oh, "fishing."" "No, he didn't." " Oh, I got one." "I got one!" " Oh, get him!" "Reel him in!" "I got him." "We got him." "Good job, son." "This a nice fish." " He bit me." " Man, [bleep] that fish." "Whoo!" "Ouch!" "My leg!" "You goddamn..." "Oh, my god." "I knew it." "She killed Pat Sajak and chopped him up." "I'm not seeing that." "Oh, my god." "Ethel's dead!" " Then who the hell are you?" " I'm Ethel." "Then if you're Ethel, I must be..." "Pat Sajak!" "So this is a mask!" "It's stuck on there pretty good." "Okay, maybe this knife will help." "Oh, yeah." "Okay, it's working!" "It's working!" "I'm not Pat Sajak!" "I'm a skeleton!" "White people, now I get it!" "Oh." "Hey, uh, everything cool, Woody?" "Yeah." "It's just... well, they're having a father-son picnic this weekend, and it makes me sad." "That they have to advertise these things in bars?" "No, because my dad promised to take me to one once, but he never showed." " If only I'd dusted that [bleep] plant." " Hey, you know what?" "I'll take you to the father-son picnic." " You'd really do that for me?" " I still want to buy your slave." " Him." " He's not a slave!" " He's my father." " Ooh!" "Uh-oh." "It's 9:30." "Mommy told me to be home at 9:00." "Don't worry about your mama." "This is father-and-son time." "Now let's bash this mother[bleep]'s skull in" " together." " Father-son time!" " Father-son time!" " Yeah." "Shh." "My mom's a sheep." "Did I say "sheep"?" "I meant to say "asleep."" "Woodrow, you missed your curfew." " What am I going to do with you?" " Hmm." "I got an idea." "Oh, Pat, have I got a surprise for you." "Please don't tell me there's a Front Pat." "What do you think?" "Now you can live the game with me forever." "Wheel... of... fortune!" "Oh, my god!" "Connie kidnapped an oompa loompa!" " That's Pat Sajak, you idiot." " Right." "Oompa loompas aren't that short and orange." " I'm calling the cops." " If you do that, Pat Sajak will die." "Your friend Connie has snapped." "If you want to save his life, you will do as I say." " Who are you?" " Name's Buzz Buzzer." "I'm a professional game show "host-age" negotiator." "How often are popular game show hosts held hostage?" "More than you think." "2012, Family feud." "You think Richard Dawson died of natural causes?" "2006, Press your luck." "You think Peter Tomarken retired?" "Dick Clark was kidnapped and killed on seven separate occasions." "We had to keep tracking down look-alikes." "By the time he had the stroke, we were on our tenth dick." "Sounds like Ethel on a slow weekend." "Gam-gam bought me this, by the way." "See you later, assholes." "Damn, Woody." "That woman's never going to stop treating you like a child unless you stand up for yourself." "Be a man." "I raised you better than that." "You know what, dad?" "You're right." "It is time for me to stand up for myself." "Those [bleep] birds ate my hamstrings." "Once you're in, just act like contestants and play the game." "When Connie wins, the euphoria will distract her." "Then you grab Sajak and get out." "If the crimson beast loses, wah-woh!" "Game over." "Anita, your son has something to say to you." "What is it?" "Uh, you are the prettiest Mommy in the whole world." " Bye." " Woody, tell her." "All right, all right." "Uh, Mommy, when you let africanized bees bloodthirsty crows attack me, it's not nice, and I..." " I don't want you to do that anymore." " Oh, I had no idea." "Would it make you feel any better if I whipped you with a rusty bicycle chain?" "!" "Oh, Jesus Christ!" "And you!" "You put him up to this." "You're a bad influence on my son." "Don't you talk that way to me, woman." "Bitch, you think you're the only one with a bicycle chain?" " I'd like to buy an E." " You don't really expect me to play along with this insanity, do you?" "Yeah." "Unless you want me to cut off your face" " and feed it to Back-Pat." " Do we have any Es?" "Steve?" "Ethel?" "What are you doing on Wheel of fortune?" "We're here to play the game, Connie." "Yay!" "Sorry, Gary." "Sorry, Charlene." "Your time is up." "Thanks for playing." "Goddamn mother[bleep]!" "Help me, please!" "I'm too rich and important to die." " I'm Pat [bleep] Sajak." " Shhh." "$5,000?" "Crap." "Remember, Steve, you gotta lose." "Guess the letter Q." "That's a terrible idea." "I bet this puzzle's full of Qs." " Is there an S?" " There are five Ses." "Huh." "What are the odds of that?" "She's going to murder you all." " Don't touch me with that!" " Ow!" "Stop it!" "Hey!" "Woodrow, there's something we have to tell you." "Son, your mama and I are getting a divorce." " Oh, no!" "It's my fault." " Oh, Woody, it's not your fault." "The divorce fairy came and sprinkled some separation dust." "Of course it's your fault!" "Oh, no!" "I did it again!" "Maybe I wasn't meant to have a daddy." "Aw, don't listen to her." "This ain't your fault." "You're a good boy, Woody." "You just got a crazy-ass mama." "Well, we can still go to the father-son picnic, right?" "Not if we're not father and son." "Them's the rules." "There's only one thing that's going to end this pain." "Steve, what are you doing?" "You're supposed to lose, you dipshit." "I'm trying to lose." "Would you like to solve the puzzle, Steve?" "Steve, don't even answer." " Get off my ballsack, Ethel." " That's correct." "The category was "things that Fred Mertz should have said on I Love Lucy."" " And Steve is the winner." " Connie's not supposed to lose!" "Connie smash!" "Help!" "I'm being crushed by a 350-pound monster." "That's correct." "The category was" ""things Rebel Wilson's couch might say."" "Oh, I can't believe I let myself fall under the voodoo spell of that black man's dick." "You know all the money I took out of your underwear drawer?" "I think he stole some of that out of my purse... typical." "Don't you ever talk that way about him." "Uh-oh." "Does somebody need a spanking?" "Screw your spankings!" "Denzel's right." "I am done being pushed around by you." "I'm not the reason daddy left." "You are!" "What are you saying, Woody?" "Sorry, Mommy." "That was a little harsh." "I guess what I really meant to say is:" " Get the [bleep] out!" " No, gam-gam, don't go." "I ne..." "I need more presents." "I m..." "I mean I love you." "I don't have any more money, Malloy." "Choke on my balls." "You bastard." "You made me love you and your godlike knowledge of the alphabet, and then you made me lose." "Now you must die, Pat!" "I am not losing another one." "I'll hold her off!" "Save Sajak!" "Bah... bah... bur... brr..." "Give me back my Pat!" "Wait, why are we risking our lives for Pat Sajak?" "Please don't hurt me." "I'll do anything." "Anything?" " And please welcome my lovely cohost." " Hi, Pat." " Daddy, who's that man?" " Looks like a pedophile, son." " Hey, he's no pedophile." "He's my son." " Denzel, you came!" "Shh, now let's crush these five-year-old skulls... together." "* Teamwork * * you know we're going to do it together *" "Yeah!" "* teamwork * * we'll make it forever * * yeah *"