"Oh, hey, what's up guys?" "Hey, Ben." "What's going on, Ben?" "How was your night, Ben?" "We were just wondering how that emergency turned out, Ben." "What emergency?" "Oh, you remember." "The "can somebody pick up Emma, it's an emergency" emergency." "Turns out, it was less of an emergency, and more of an after-work pub crawl." "Which is funny, because, you know, we work in a bar." "What is the matter with you?" "For the last six hours" "Emma has been passed around more than a joint at a Bon Jovi concert." "I hear." "Or your mom on ladies' night." "Yeah." "I had to pick her up from daycare, and I missed practice." "Yeah, so I took her next and I missed a deposition." "Yeah, then she passed her on to me, and I missed an interview." "So, he passed her to me, and I missed a date with a sure thing." "Who I, coincidentally, met at ladies' night." "So, what do you have to say for yourself?" "Well, it sounds like a pretty well-oiled machine to me." "Thanks for helping out." " What?" " But..." ""thanks for helping out"?" "That's what you say when somebody takes you to the airport, not raises your child for you." "Uh, raising my child?" "I've been a single dad for almost two years now." "I've kind of got it down." "Yeah." "By having everyone else do all the work." "Well, I have a system, obviously." "Okay." "So, you actually think that you could do all of this without us?" "Yeah, totally." " Oh, great." "Frees up a lot of time." " Oh, yeah, wow." "Says the boy who forgot to feed seven hamsters and they all died." "Good luck!" "(Scoffs) I can take care of my own kid." "Wait, where is she?" "(Theme music plays)" "♪ It's amazing how the unexpected ♪" "♪ can take your life and change direction ♪" "Ben:" "Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God oh my God, so late, so late." "We need a shirt." "Shirt." "Yes!" "Okay." "Uh, socks." "Socks." "Uh, one sock is good, right?" "That's fashion-y." "Oh, God." "Hair, hair." "A baby comb over." "Totally in." "Um, all right, lunch." "Lunch, lunch, lunch, lunch, lunch." "Uh, great." "Nothing in here." "Okay, well, now seems like a good time to find out if you like kung pao chicken." "All right, keys, wallet, phone binky, tie, and diaper bag." "Yeah!" "See?" "I totally got this!" "He so don't got this." "I liked yesterday's episode so much more when they both left without their shoes." "(Laughing)" "(Phone buzzing)" "Oh." "Damn it!" "Judy Baker backed out of taking a cooking class with me, and it's nonrefundable." "Oh, I can't believe it." "You paid for something?" "Actually, I didn't." "She did." "So, who wants to take a free cooking class?" "It's with Tommy kwan, New York's hottest chef." "And, I'm not just talking about his cooking skills." "Oh, I watch him every week." "I love that show!" "Danny and Bonnie:" "Let's turn up the heat, it's time to eat!" "Well, the best cook in the class gets to work side-by-side with him in his restaurant for one night." "It is on my list of things to do before I die." "And, coincidentally, so is Tommy." "Hey, I'll take that class with you." "It'll be fun." "It'll totally impress Ashley." "Ooh, Ashley, the new girlfriend." "Haven't really heard you talk too much about her." "In fact, I haven't really heard you talk too much to me, lately, so, how's it going?" "Is she fun?" "Do you like her?" "Any juicy details?" "Remember when you said you weren't going to interfere with my love life?" "No." "That doesn't sound like me, at all." "I gotta go." "Oh, okay." "Well, you know, we'll chat more, later." "All right, great." "Hey, don't be a stranger." "You know I'm just right across the hall." "So, I'll see you around the neighborhood." "And by neighborhood, I mean 4c." "(Door closes)" "I think he got it." "(Groans)" "Tucker," "(groans)" "It's the universal sign for someone in distress." "And not making eye contact is the universal sign for leave me alone, I am blowing stuff up." "Danny is completely avoiding me." "Do you think that he's acting weird because I told him that I had feelings for him?" "No, you know, it's probably that you knew he liked you, and didn't say anything and then you started dating a parade of other guys." "But, you know, I'm just guessing, so..." "God, I just want things to go back to the way they used to be." "You know, when we told each other everything." "You know, maybe it'd be less awkward if you were dating someone too?" "You know, take the pressure off." "What am I supposed to do?" "Lie about having a boyfriend?" "Okay." "You know how I've been dating Christine for the last month?" "Yeah." "Well, Christine stopped returning my phone calls two weeks ago." "But I'm too tired of being the dumpee." "So, I'm faking our relationship for another month until I dump her." "Oh, by the way, she is gonna be devastated." "(Laughing)" "Faking a relationship?" "Oh my God, that's brilliant!" "Hey, look, it's easy." "You just have to, you know, plant a few seeds." "Mm-hmm." "Right?" "Start talking about the cute guy at the coffee shop." "And then, maybe in a week, you guys go out." "You know, just take it slow and nobody will be suspicious." "Take it slow." "Oh hey, forgot my wallet." "Hey, Danny!" "I have a boyfriend!" "Excuse me?" "Excuse me?" "Sorry, just a little busy over here." "What can I do for you?" "You can get me a Cosmopolitan, and take back your baby." " Oh, Cici?" "Cici?" " Nope." "Oh my God, Tucker, hey!" "You gotta take Emma." "We got kicked out of daycare." "Apparently, if you're late to pickup three times, you're out." "You know, you think they'd give you some kind of warning." "Sounds like they gave you two." "Come on, man!" "I actually have a date tonight." "It's the first girl I've gone out with since Riley and I broke up." "I just hope Riley will be cool with it." "Well, you know, I did just hear that she kinda has a boyfriend." "So, I'm gonna go with, um, yeah, she'll be cool with that." "Oh, she does?" "So, she's obviously moved on, which is great, 'cause I'm moving on too." "I mean, you think I should, right?" "Yup." "I would." "Okay, cool." "So, you'll watch Emma for me?" "Oh, hell, no!" "No, you are on your own, single dad." "Christine and I are going out tonight." "Hot date with my hot lady." "Danny, Danny, good news." "I managed to taste everyone's food, and it all tastes like ass." "That's great, but I actually really like mine." "Danny!" "You can't eat that!" "Tommy has to taste it, review it, tell you how you can improve it." "Or, how it's absolute perfection, and how he wishes you were on the menu." "(Laughs)" "Oh, here he comes, here he comes!" "Okay, ladies." "Hopefully you've followed my assistants instructions on this recipe." "Because I'm too young and successful to die." "(Laughing obnoxiously)" "(Coughs)" "I wouldn't serve that to my ex wife, and I actually want to poison her." "(Laughing) Classic Tommy." "Okay." "Now it's your turn to disappoint my palate." "Hi." "I'm Bonnie, and I have made your "chicken Tommy" a thousand times." "Then a thousand chickens died for nothing." "What happened here?" "Oh, um..." "I'm just kind of tall, so it makes the chicken look really small." "Man." "That's good." "And I say, "man" because I've never said that to a woman." "(Laughing)" "Really?" "I just followed your instructions." "My coach always says I do better when I don't think for myself." "Excellent advice." "One you little ladies should follow." "Who's next?" "(Gasps) Whoa." "Who knew I had a hidden talent?" "Honey, the only thing you have that I don't is what's in your pants." "I didn't know you saw me take this." "Tucker!" "Tucker, Tucker, Tucker, are you ready for our awesome double date with Christine and my new boyfriend, Justin?" " Danny's in his room." " Oh." " Oh, hey." " Hey, Danny!" "I'm just here for my awesome double date with Tucker and Christine and my new boyfriend, Justin." "We are going to that new club on canal." "Oh, right." "Your boyfriend." "Well, hey, maybe Ashley and I can meet up with you later?" "Uh... yeah..." "You have to be on a list." "Yeah." "Yeah, my boyfriend, Justin, had to pull a lot of strings." "He's super connected." "Not connected enough to get you in, sorry." "Yup." "Well, hey, do you want to share a cab?" "No." "God, stop following us." " Hey." " Excuse me." "Oh, hi." "You must be Marissa." "Sorry." "For what?" "I'm sure it'll be something." "Hello?" "Marissa, hey." "Hey." "Thank you for coming over." "Emma is asleep for the night, the takeout is on its way, and her crib has wheels, so we can roll it out of the bedroom if you wanna swingity-swangity, bang, boom." "Probably getting a little ahead of myself." "A little." " But, I like where you're going." " Ooh." "(Emma crying)" "Are you gonna get that?" "Yeah, I probably should." "Hold on a second." "Hi, sweetheart." "Hey, come here." "Come here." "Emma, you gotta go to sleep." "I've got a very hot, very special friend out there who can..." "Hear everything on the monitor can't she?" "Yup." "But thanks for calling me hot." "(Whispering) Works every time." " (Emma coos)" " Yeah." "Ben?" "(Snoring)" "Hi." "Well, if Tommy wants to be intimidated by a woman," "I think I just gave him a reason." "Hey, mom." "Try mine." "Oh my God, Danny." "That tastes like dishwater." "Where did you get your water?" "(Gags)" "But you just gave me a great idea." "Hey, could you grab me that ladle?" "And she's back." "I'll try to go easy on you since you're just a housewife." "A housewife?" "You mean a woman who devotes her life to her family, her kids, her home, and putting a meal on the table three times a day, 365 days a year?" "Ah." "It's even sadder when you say it out loud." "Oh. (Scoffs)" "Well, I hope I didn't cook with too much estrogen." "Oh, crap, I didn't put any of that in mine." "Well, I have to say, this might just be the best soup I've ever tasted." "Congratulations Danny, you'll be my guest sous-chef this evening ah!" "I switched the bowls." "That is my soup." " Prove it." " I can't!" "I did not think that one through." "So, you are just going to have to believe me." "Well, I don't." "Well, you know what?" "It doesn't matter." "Because my son actually respects women, and he wouldn't accept your blatantly sexist honor if you paid him." "Tell him, Danny." "So, what time do you need me here, tonight?" "So, anyway," "I think my date went pretty good last night." "We just went straight to the swingity-swang, bingity bang, boom, swigity-swang." "I fell asleep in bed with Emma." " Oh, hey." " God, you know who's a good kisser?" "Justin." "Oh." "Oh, Danny, hi." "I didn't see you walk in." "How's your class going?" "Actually, it's great!" "Tommy asked me to cook at his restaurant tonight." "Wait, you're working there?" "Dude, oh my God, can you get me a reservation?" "His restaurant is the hottest place in town." "Marissa can't turn down a do-over date there." " I can try." " All right, all right, all right." "Well, hey, what if all you guys came?" "You and Christine, and you and Justin." "I'd love to meet him." "Uh... (Scoffs) Christine?" "She's a model." "You know, she's not really into food." "We'd love to." "Justin, he's scheduled for surgery, but, pfft," "I'll just have him move it." "Yeah, my boyfriend's a doctor." "Cool." "I'll let you know." "Hey, um, Riley?" "Do you think, maybe, you can ask your doctor boyfriend to examine your head?" "You know, unless crazy doesn't show up on x-rays." "Tucker, this is totally working." "I mean, Danny is finally talking to me again the way he used to." "Yeah." "You're forgetting one teensy detail." "Justin doesn't exist!" "You're so negative." "Why can't you be more like Justin?" "Okay, Emma, this new babysitter is charging me $20 an hour so, feel free to be as bratty as you want." "(Knocking)" "We need to get our money's worth." " Can I help you?" " Yeah, I'm Madison." "We spoke on the phone." "So, where's the kid?" "Standing on my doormat." "You said you had 10 years experience?" "Yeah, I'm 10." "Well, I will be next week." "Buh-bye." "Great." "Now what am I supposed to do?" "Emma, grab your binkie!" "You're going on your first date." "Hey, um, do I still get charged fro two coats if I put hers in my pocket?" "Aww, what a little cutie!" "She's adorable." "Oh my God, she makes me miss my baby sister." "I practically raised her." "Really?" "Hey, how much is it to check a baby?" "Hey, Marissa, I'm so glad you could make it." "Isn't this great?" "Fancy dinner out?" "Oh, seven courses?" "My babysitter's charging me by the minute." "Let's get cracking." "Where are your dates?" "Oh, uh, I just talked to Justin, and he got pulled into surgery." "And Christine booked a last minute gig, so she's gonna be running late too." "But, they both just sent us lovely text messages." "So, no reason to be suspicious." "Yeah." "Yeah, what she said, but less crazy." "Kind of a slow eater, aren't you?" "There he is." "Ready to see how real men cook?" " You know it." " Great." "Tell me what you think of this." "Salty." "And a little weird." "Out of the way, boys." "Tonight, mama's making dinner." "Let's see what you think of this housewife's food." "Mom!" "What are you doing here?" "I demand a re-taste." "I am not leaving until you try my chicken Tommy, and declare me the rightful winner." "You mean instead of your son?" "Who you supposedly love and support?" "Who told you that?" "Try it." "Of course." "Let me stop cooking for a restaurant full of people so I can pull up a chair, eat your chicken." "And apologize for being so rude." "I accept your apology." "Wanna make out?" "No." "Here's what I think of your food." "(Plate shattering)" "Now look what you've done!" "Somebody get a mop!" "(Gasps)" "Francois, help Bobby!" "Whoa!" "It's just a little... whoa!" "(Dishes clattering)" "(Shouts)" "You know what?" "You can try it later." "Hey, we're ready for the next course, guy." "Let's keep it coming, eh?" "Riley, where's your boyfriend?" "Uh, he's um, he's..." "What did I say he was doing, Tucker?" "Oh my God, you are terrible at this!" "Look, I'm done, we're done, Justin's not real." "What do you mean "not real"?" "He's not real punctual." "Oh my God, look, here he is now." "Hi, honey!" "Oh, you made it!" "Uh, Justin, this is Danny." "Danny, this is my Justin." "Thank God you're here." "We need a doctor in the kitchen!" "What the hell?" "We just made out in the coat room, and now you're kissing some random skank?" "Justin, how could you?" "I bet you're not even a real doctor!" "You should be real glad I have an emergency right now." "Wait, hey, hey, what'd you do with my kid?" "You brought your kid?" "Emma!" "Oh, yeah, she really wanted to come, tonight." "She's kind of a foodie." "Tucker, help me catch her!" "Tucker?" "Christine?" "Oh." "I guess I know what you've been up to." " Tucker..." " No, just so you know," "I have been pretending to date you for two weeks, and that was more fun than the two weeks we did date." "Yeah." "That's right." "I am better off with fake you." "So, enjoy your stupid date." "This is my brother." "My phone was stolen and I lost your number, so I wasn't able to tell you that I had to go to my grandmother's funeral in California." "I just got back, today." "And you expect me to believe all of that?" "Because I do, girl, I'm really sorry." "(Scoffs) Yeah, so am I." "Don't call me." "Emma?" "Oh, hey, Christine, you made it!" "Emma!" "This is a disaster!" "Danny, start plating my chicken." "Ah!" "Hot!" "What's wrong with you?" "That's it!" "Tell everybody to go home." "We're done." "Oh, calm down, Tom-Tom." "Can't take a little spill and some food on the ground?" "Try getting dinner on the table every night with two kids and 12 of their friends playing dodgeball in the kitchen." "I got this." "Danny, get mama's chicken." "Yes, ma'am." "Wait, you can't serve that!" "You'd rather lose a restaurant full of customers than serve a woman's food?" "At least a housewife doesn't crack under pressure like a little boy." "Danny, throw some asparagus on a plate and put my chicken on top of it." "Bobby, pour some of my sauce on everything." "And francois, just throw some green crap around the plate to fancy it up." "Oh, and Tommy, just keep whining like a baby." "Let's turn up the heat, it's time to eat!" "Gary, don't just stand there!" "I'm gonna need more wine!" "Let's do this, people!" "Ben:" "My bad, my bad." "Look out." "Oh, hey, a dollar!" "What happened to Marissa?" "Turns out, she wasn't a giant fan of the baby." "And Justin?" "Yeah, turns out he's a giant liar." "And Christine?" "Turns out, I'm a giant idiot." "Well, then I guess it's just us." "Here's to another unsuccessful romantic evening." "We'll all get this down eventually, right?" "Probably not." "That's what this wine is for." "(Applause)" "Well, mom..." "I think they love your chicken Tommy." "You mean, chicken Bonnie." "(Whispering) It's not chicken." "Okay, so thank you all for gathering." "This'll be easier to say just once." "Look." "I was wrong, you were all right." "I couldn't do this without you." "It really does take a village, and I took my village for granted." "So, can you all forgive me?" "And help me?" " Oh, sweetie, of course." " Hey, Emma." " Emma, I missed you so much." " Come here, girl." "No, no." "Oh, she wants to come to the mayor of the village." "(All arguing)"