"President Bush attempts to justify his place in history to a group of skeptical third graders." "But first, we take you live to a hearing of the Senate banking committee where Illinois Governor, Rod Blagojevich, is about to shake down Congress for money." "You've asked for an opportunity to address this committee today in order to request your own personal bailout package, which, you claim, is essential if you are to, quote," ""achieve true financial independence" ""and enjoy the lifestyle you've always dreamed of", end quote." "You're currently facing federal charges for attempting to sell to the highest bidder, the Illinois Senate seat left vacant by the election of Senator Obama." "Why do you feel entitled to a government bailout?" "First of all, because it was a federal prosecutor who spiked my deal to sell the Senate seat in the first place." "And second, because if I don't get this bailout," "I swear to God," "I will appoint some psycho mother**** who will turn this **** apart." "Believe me, I will do it." "And you will not be happy." "Fair enough." "The chair recognizes the gentleman from Alabama." "I have looked over your proposal here and I will agree it is quite detailed." "You have offered to appoint a well-qualified senator chosen by your state legislature, and in return, you asked for the following:" "$750,000 in cash, your visa and discover cards paid," "your nephew, Mickey, appointed head of the centers for disease control," "U.S. Attorney Patrick Fitzgerald, quote," ""whacked", and a leather jacket pictured on page 112 of the October GQ." "That's right." "It's the one Troy Aikman's wearing." "Right off the bat, I can tell you, a couple of these items are going to be difficult." "What about an ambassadorship?" "Excuse me, an ambassadorship?" "Yeah, like," "I don't know..." "Turkey?" "Governor, let's be clear, you are not going to be named" "Ambassador to Turkey." "Right now, that's one of our most sensitive diplomatic posts." "I'm not actually going to go there." "It's a no-show job." "Forget it." "In that case, I guess I'll have to appoint myself to the Senate." "Let me ask, you guys, something." "What do Senators make these days?" "$169,300 a year." " That's it?" " That's it." "With health benefits?" "And what about the hours?" "Do you have to come in on Mondays and Fridays?" "I wouldn't get too deep into this, Governor." "I'm fairly certain this body's not going to seat you." " Really?" " And let me add something." "In my opinion, you are a disgrace to the state of Illinois." "Maybe not to Illinois, but, you know what I'm saying." "If you were the Governor of any other state, you would be a disgrace to that state." "Would any of you be interested in purchasing the actual wedding ring of President Abraham Lincoln?" "Because I've got it." "And yes, it is for sale." "250 gs." "The hand is included." "Unless, of course, you don't want the hand." "Are we to infer, Governor, this sacred artifact was looted from the tomb of our 16th president of the Illinois State Capitol grounds?" "Let's just say, that on completion of the sale, the buyer will receive a certificate of authenticity, along with the videotape to back it up." "My God, you're nothing but a common grave robber." "A body snatcher, a resurrectionist!" "I did not come here to be called names." " Do you want the ring or not?" " No, I don't want the ring!" "Fine." "Suit yourselves." "I've got a buyer in Japan who's offered 2 million yen." "I just thought it would be nice if the ring stayed here in this country." "That's all." "I think what you're doing is just plain wrong." "And I hope you realize 2 million yen is only about $18,000." "Really?" "That mother****!" "I want to be on the board of NASA." "Would security remove this person?" "It's all right, Senator." "This is my wife, Patty." "I want to be on the board of NASA." "Look, they're going to say you're not qualified." "Well, **** them." "I just got my class three real estate license." "Why don't you go wait in the car?" "You promised." "I think this committee has heard about enough today." "Unless you have something more to add, I move we adjourn this hearing." "Just one thing, Senator." "I want to thank the committee for allowing me to testify here today." "It really is an impressive setting, this hearing room." "I think we can all agree, it would be a shame if something happened to it." "What do you mean?" "You know, like a fire or something." "These old buildings, with the old wiring, they're always catching fire." "If you're interested," "I have some friends who can keep an eye on the place when no one's around." "They can also watch your cars too." "$2,500 a month." "You want the government to pay you extortion money in return for not burning down the U.S. Capitol building?" "That is what I'm proposing, yes." "Governor, let me ask you..." "Are you retarded?" "First of all, Senator, the correct term is developmentally challenged." "And yes, I am mildly developmentally challenged." "Though, obviously, it has not affected my performance as governor." "But I can see I'm wasting my time here." "So, you know what?" "I'll just head over to the Supreme Court to see if any of those guys are any easier to deal with, instead of you, stupid ****." "If you'll just validate my parking ticket," "I'll be on my way." "One last thing, go **** yourselves." "Also, live from New York, it's Saturday Night!" "S. 34 Ep. 11 - 13 Dec. 2008 Hugh Laurie / Kanye West" "Thank you, ladies and gentlemen." "Thank you, boys and girls." "Sweet cheeks." "Thank you so much." "It's wonderful to be back here on the show." "It's also wonderful to be back in the great city of New York." "Especially, I have to tell you, at this time of year." "Because New York at Christmas is truly a magical place." "On Thursday, for example, I had an amazingly Christmassy experience here in New York." "Straight out of Charles Dickens." "I had my pocket picked." "This little chap grabbed my wallet and he disappeared into the crowd." "I tried following him, but... weirdly the crowd started doing this very complicated dance routine." "So, I lost him." "That's a sort of Oliver Twist joke." "Never mind." "It was a nuisance because the wallet had, you know, driver's license, credit cards, and $65,000 in cash." "Just pray that I'm covered." "Besides being the Christmas show, this is also, of course, the last show of 2008." "And... what an amazing year it's been." "On the plus side, you've had the most exciting election in the history of American politics." "And on the minus side... everything else." "I suppose, for half of you, even the election was a bit of a downer." "But, let's put all that behind us, because this is a time for giving." "And in the spirit of giving, I asked if I could give, tonight, each member of the audience a present." "You know, a little bit like Oprah." "But not too much." "And they said no." "They just said no." "I said, "Well, not even a tiny cheap one?"" "And they said no." "I said," ""What about one nice one to just one member of the audience?"" "They said no." "I said "What about..." They said, "Shut up"." "They said, "You can give one tiny cheap one" ""to one member of the audience."" "On behalf of Saturday Night Live," "I would like to give this chapstick" "to you, madam." "It's hardly used." "A very merry Christmas to you." "If you don't mind... we do need the bow back." "Never mind the recession." "Christmas is Christmas." "We must embrace the joy of the season." "So with your kind indulgence," "I would like to begin the show as I like to begin every show that I'm hosting this evening." "With a medley of classic Christmas songs." "There's a problem." "There's a catch." "I should explain that, if... you sing more than three seconds of any song, you have to pay royalties on the whole thing." "Anyway, here it is." "Merry Christmas." "We have a great show tonight!" "Kanye west is here." "So, stick around, we'll be right back." "Hello, everyone." "Welcome to Bronx Beat." " I'm Jodi." " Welcome to Bronx Beat." "I'm Betty." "First off, we're back." "And we want to thank you, for all your letters." "There were 4 letters." "Four or five." "There were a lot of letters." "More than one." "Plural." "Letters is plural." "And the letters said, "Jodi, Betty, where are you?"" ""We miss your show."" "We've been off the air for a year." "We had to take a bit of a sabbatical." "When I used to read magazines about the lives of show people, and they would complain about how tired they were," "I would be like, "Here's a quarter." "Call someone with a violin."" " You know what, now she gets it." " Now, I've lived it." "Here is what my year was like." " Go to my college reunion." " Did you wear your leather pants?" "Had the time of my life." "I had a blast." "Come home." "Boom..." "Epstein-Barr." "Unbelievable." "In bed for three months." "Welcome back, eczema." " Thank you." " Out of control, IBS." "Suddenly, my shoulder freezes up." "I got frozen shoulder." " Who gets that?" " I do." "And then, bam, 2008, it's over." "It's Christmas time already." "I'm doing all my shopping this year on the Internet." "'Cause you know what happens when you go out shopping?" "You come back dead." "You know what they got on sale at Walmart, 50% off?" "Trampolines." "You're up at the pearly gates, them: "What happened?"" ""I was trampled by a stampede of dumb-dumbs" ""trying to get a flat screen TV."" " So dumb." " You know what?" "Holiday travel, no." "I don't want to get on a plane." "You know why?" "Germs." "And also, last year, I bought my mother a snow globe." "Go to the airport." "They won't let me take it through security." "Why?" "Who makes a bomb out of a snow globe?" "Who am I, Osama Bin Snow Globe?" "That was good." "You got to admit." "That was a good one." "So stupid, though." "At Christmas time, in this economy." "Pushing pennies." "Clipping coupons." "Clipping coupons and you're stretching the dollar." "You know what?" "I wanted to buy a condo at the shore." "But my stupid husband says, "Put it in stocks."" "Yeah?" "Good one." "Now you know how many dollars I got?" "$0.00." "I used to go get facials." "Now, I go to the make-up and tell them I'm just going to a wedding." "My daughter, she wants a flute for Christmas." "Do you know how expensive it is?" "So I said to her, "Get a recorder," ""hold it to the side, pretend it's a flute."" "That's a good idea." "My son, my oldest, he's asking me for some new video game." "I said, "Here's a new video game." "You know what it's called?" ""Go rake the yard."" "It's called "Rake Hero"." "Here we go." "We got a guest." "We forgot the guest." "Who is it?" "It's that British butcher from the new fancy butcher shop that just opened." "Jeffrey Billings." "Butcher Shoppe." "And the shop is spelled with two "p" and an "e"." "Very fancy." "It's a fancy shop." "Do me a favor, get him out here, Jenna." "Have a seat." "I have never seen you without your apron on." "I thought, for you beautiful ladies, I'd wear something nice." "Take off the dirty apron." "I love that accent." "I love him." "Look at him." "Listen to how he sounds." "Let me tell you something." "Do you want to know something?" "That accent will get you everywhere." "That's so sexy." "Say some words." "Say some words in your British accent." "Say it in British." "Say "schedule"." "That is so sexy." "What do you call a bathroom?" "A loo." "That's so cute." "I love it, so sexy." "What do you call potato chips?" "Crisps." "Everything sounds better with a British accent." " I wish we had accents." " Me too." "I love them, love those accents." "And you know what else?" "British people are dignified." "They've got manners." "They sound like geniuses." "I bet the dumbest person in England is smarter than anyone we know." "And they have manners." "I bet you don't burp when you're kissing your wife." "That's so gross." "I don't even want to hear this story." "My husband did that." "Under the mistletoe, he goes in for a kiss and he burps." "He's got a problem with excess gas." " But at the end of the day..." " Here we go." "I don't care." "He just has trouble digesting certain things." "What do I do?" "I love him." "Here comes the waterworks." "He gave me my children." "And what?" "He's a good man." "So what if he's stupid?" "Keep it together." "He loves his kids." "Double waterworks." "You've got a great accent." "You're very sexy." "Tell us what else is going on at" "Jeffrey Billings Butcher Shoppe." "Two "p", one "e"." "This month, we're featuring fowl." "So, if you're interested in a traditional Christmas goose..." "I'd like to give you a Christmas goose." "I'll give it to you every day of the year, 365 days of the year." "Every day's Christmas with me." "This little one, year-round goose with this little one." "Let me ask you a personal question." "What's your favorite cut of meat?" "You like the thigh?" "You're a thigh man?" "You like the breast?" "You like breasts?" "You like inner thigh?" "What about outer thigh?" "What about rump?" " You like a rump cut?" " You like outer rump?" "You like the inner rump?" "You like center cut?" "You like center cut and center rump?" " You like tongue?" " That's your meat." " Look at him, he's blushing." " He likes it." "He likes tongue." " I like all cuts." " I bet you do." "Listen to that accent." "He's driving me wild." " It's driving me nuts." " So sexy, that accent." "You are sexy." "You know what's fun to do in this economy?" " Flirt." " Flirting's free." "Live it up." "I'm married." "I'm not dead, all right." "Have fun." "Live your life." "You know what?" "Jeffrey, we love you, so what else?" "If you're really interested in things British, we have also some lovely blood sausage and some blood puddings." "You lost me on that one." "You don't say blood pudding." "You know what else?" "Don't say head cheese." "Not even the accent can save that." "No one sounds sexy saying head cheese." "You know what else is gross?" " Sweetbread." " Sweetbread, disgusting." "You think you're eating a cake, getting a cake, you lose." "It's pancreas." "Disgusting." "Save the situation." " Speak in British again." " Say another British word." "Say "vitamin"." "My god, I'm hot." " Hot to trot, what you are." " I love you." "Come be my husband." "Be my pretend husband." " Jenna's waving her fingers." " What does this mean?" " Continue or stop?" " She's having a stroke." "I guess that's it." "Thank you, Jeffrey Billings from Billings Butcher Shoppe." "Two "p", one "e"." "You sit down." " You're gonna talk British some more." " We're gonna take you home with us." "Anyone want another crescent roll?" "Phil, crescent roll?" "Look." "Nancy, stop it." "Looks like we're going to get a lot of snow tonight." " Thank you for that." " The weather girl is over here." "What's it going to be like in a week?" "Is it going to rain?" "Sit down." "Is everyone ready for dessert?" "Let's see..." "Scalloped potatoes still on my plate." "Green beans still on my plate." "Honey-baked ham still on my plate." "Corn still on my plate." "So I'd say no!" "Still eating." "So no?" " He said no." " I heard him." "I heard him." "I've never had potatoes like this before." " Don't." "It was a tone." " What did I say?" "Can you please move over a little?" "Sit down." "Anyone need more wine?" "Please, red wine." " Mother's milk." " Shut up." "I say it once a year." "Once a year." " Shut your mouth." " You know what?" "Eff Christmas." "Eff you." " Eff you, Judith." " Eff you, too." "Chair." "Butt." "Now!" "You know, another Christmas is ruined." "And this is worse than the cruise." "Merry eff-ing Christmas." "Damn it!" "I wanted to sing the "peace" on my own!" "And I know you just think of me as your crazy aunt Jonie." "But I just want to say that, David and Tina," "I am so happy that you have found each other." "Because you deserve nothing but happiness, and I love you guys." "To Mr. and Mrs. Culhane." "That's very nice." "We've had a long night of toasts." "It seems like everyone's had something to say tonight, but we're going to move on." "Now it's time to get up and boogie." "So we're gonna..." "What did he say?" "Absolutely, sure." "One last toast." "The final toast, here we go." "I'm sure a lot of you know me." "I am Bob Kemp." "I have been friends with Tina's dad for..." "Well, how long's it been?" "Gus... how long's it been?" "I'll be back." "That was great." "Last toast." "I promise." "So, Tina, look, we ended bad." "That's right, ex-boyfriend of the bride at the wedding." "Congratulations." "David seems to have a lot of money." "Tina, I was thinking about the last time we had sex." "Something wasn't right." "I don't mean physically." "Physically, it was great." "So passionate, so glorious, so inventive." "It was always great." "We never had a problem in that department." "But we've all moved on." "I've moved on." "Sure, I still think about you when I make love." "And I'm sure you do, too, so..." " have fun." " Great." "There we go." "Thank you." "So the toasts are now officially..." "My name is Gail, the boss of the groom." "I was not invited to this wedding and I do not have a ride home." "If anyone has a car that will fit me and my tank," "we're in business." "I have to pee so bad." "I gotta end this speech now." "Great." "Thank you, Gail." "Now it's time to dance..." "This is it." "No more after this." "I think I've figured it out." "I believe that Tina's dad, Vince, and I have been friends for 32 years." "I came to this number because I had a Corvette from 1967 to 1968," "and then I got a Datsun." "And I must have had that Datsun until, I'd say, 1974." "Then came the Fiat." "Anyway, I met Dave when I had my Mustang, which was in between the Datsun and the Corvette." "No, it was before the Corvette." "Where was the Beetle?" " I'll be back." " Great." "Thank you." "Now we only got 15 minutes left to dance." "What the hell was that?" "Sorry about that." "I don't know who that..." "You're killing me." "Here we go." "Final one." "I'm a friend of a cousin." "This is such a great time for love." "And why wouldn't it be?" "It's winter time." "The chestnuts are roasting, as they say." "It's also the dawn of a new political era." "And I think a great mistake has been made with this Obama." "But love endures, love heals." "Love will help temper the effects of putting a black man in office." "But love abides." "To the two of you, a great couple..." "A great... white couple." "I wish you the best." "I wish you... put simply... love." "I got it." "It was 27 years, because I wasn't factoring in my Dodge Aztec." "Which reminded me that I had a Chrysler Lebaron at one point." "Which, when I look back at all my cars, was probably the most reliable car I've ever owned." "Here's to the couple, and from someone that's been married seven times," "I can tell you, keep your books separate." "Get up now." "We're going over to the dance floor." "Time to boogie." " Can I say one more thing?" " No." "Hit it, DJ." "There's a body in the bathroom!" "I'm Seth Meyers." "I'm Amy poehler, and here are tonight's top stories." "Illinois Governor, Rod Blagojevich, was arrested Tuesday for trying to sell Barack Obama's vacant Senate seat." "When agents arrived at his house, Blagojevich asked for five minutes to pack up his things and eight hours to brush his hair." "Prosecutors said Tuesday there is no evidence that Barack Obama was involved in the Blagojevich scandal." "Or as Fox News reported it, is Barack Obama involved in the Blagojevich scandal?" "Same-sex marriage supporters urge people to skip work by calling in gay, on Wednesday, as part of day without a gay." "I thought about doing it, but I do not want to use up all of my gay days." "According to new scientific research," "Jesus was not born in December, because the Christmas star that was in the sky over Bethlehem appeared in June that year." "So Christmas is cancelled, kids." "And once again, you can thank science." "Barack Obama, this week, named Nobel prize-winning physicist," "Steve Chu, as his energy secretary, unless he was just sneezing." "Since the arrest of Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich, much more attention is being paid to New York Governor David Paterson in his choice for the Senate seat vacated by Hillary Clinton." "Here to publicly address the issue is New York governor David Paterson." "Have you heard about this guy, Blagojevich?" "This guy's a real criminal." "What is he?" "From New Jersey?" "I mean, I was shocked by his wrongdoing." "Governor, you yourself very notably confessed to lots of wrong-doing when you first took office." "That's true, but my crimes were merely crimes of the heart." "And drug crimes." "The news out of Illinois puts a lot of focus on you and your choice to fill the open Senate seat vacated by Hillary Clinton." "Yes, it does." "I want to assure all New Yorkers that any candidate for this seat must meet three strict criteria." "Number one, economic experience." "The person I select must be prepared to help this state face a grave economic crisis." "And it's bad out there, Seth." "If you don't believe me, take a look at this graph that I got here." "As you can see... it shows that unemployment in 2008..." "It's upside down." "You bet it is!" "The whole world is upside down, and someone's got to fix it." "Second, you know, we need some upstate influence." "I want to choose a Senator not from the glitzy coke parties of Manhattan but, rather, from the shabbier coke circles of upstate New York." "I'm tired of all these fancy, two-eyed smart alecks from the Big City running the show." "It's time we get someone from Utica, Syracuse, or Schenectady." "Towns where people have a little something off about them." "I mean, they don't have to be blind." "I mean, someone with a gamy arm or..." "You know, maybe the giant gums with the tiny teeth." "Let's get one of those in the Senate." "No matter who we pull out of the freak bin, it will be better than the garbage piles New Jersey elected." "What do you have against New Jersey?" "Unfortunately, a southern border." "Plus, you know, the place stinks like garbage." "But seriously, I think..." "You should get on to your 3rd point." "Can do." "Third... a wild card." "Whoever's appointed Senator must, like me, be caught totally off guard and be comically unprepared to take office." "I don't know how many people remember this, but I was not supposed to be your governor." "I kind of fell ass-backwards into this about ten months ago, due to a sex scandal that I was miraculously not at the center of." "I mean, come on, I'm a blind man who loves cocaine, who was suddenly appointed Governor of New York." "My life is an actual plot from a Richard Pryor movie." "To summarize, you want someone with some knowledge of the economy who is a little off and is completely unprepared to be Senator." " Do you have anyone in mind?" " Yes, me." "Hell, I'll go to Washington." "Anything to get further away from New Jersey." "Governor Paterson, ladies and gentlemen." "The New York post reported, this week, that possible Senatorial contender, Caroline Kennedy, had a small butterfly tattooed on her arm during a family vacation in the '80s." "Not to be outdone, Ted got sleeved." "A man in Nebraska who is the dubbed "The Butt Bandit"" "from making greasy imprints of his naked rear end on windows has been sentenced to more than a year in jail." "In jail, he'll introduce himself to the other inmates as Jeff." "Many restaurants in San Francisco..." "Can you see me on TV?" "I crapped all over New Jersey." "You're on TV, Governor." "You're in the way." " You can't stop there." " Keep moving." "Many restaurants in San Francisco are reporting that business has significantly dropped off and that people who do eat out order what are called nontrays, which is when people share appetizers instead of ordering full meals." "And other news, nobody calls them that." "The FDA, this week, unanimously approved a less costly version of the female condom." "Hear that, ladies?" "The female condoms you wouldn't use in a zillion years are now cheaper." "Walmart announced plans to sell a $99 version of the Iphone at their stores." "However, it will be lacking some of the Iphone features, like the camera and the touch screen and the ability to make calls, and it's just a calculator." "It was announced, this week, that Michael Jackson's famous glittery glove will be auctioned off next week." "Man, if that glove could talk, it would probably apologize to a lot of kids." "A man in Arkansas, this past weekend, flew over a river in a jet pack powered only by hair bleach, but was disappointed when he reach the other side to discover he was still an idiot." "Despite his recent arrest on federal corruption charges and calls from the Illinois Attorney General for him to step down," "Gov. Blagojevich has yet to resign, which brings us to a segment we like to call:" "You're not going to resign?" "Because you should resign." "Even Illinois politicians are saying you should resign." "And when Illinois politicians think you're too corrupt, you're too corrupt." "That's like Amy Winehouse telling you to go to rehab." "And really, it's 2008." "Did you not know that people tap phones?" "You've never seen a TV show or a film?" "When you're doing something illegal, you need to speak in code." "When I call up my weed dealer and I ask for $50 worth of circus tickets, you know what he doesn't give me?" "Circus tickets!" "And really, how did you think you'd get away with this?" "George Ryan, the governor before you, was in jail for the same thing." "When people are burned, they become vigilant." "My friend once brought a girl home who turned out to be a dude." "So every time he meets a girl, you can bet he checks for an adam's apple." "That really happened to Seth's friend." "It's beside the point, but the hair..." "It looks like you're wearing a toupee that's also wearing a toupee." "It's like you have a pro-seeding hairline." "Is that really your hair or did you grow out your eyebrows and comb them up?" "It's like someone put the hair on backwards on one of those fisher-price people." "The first time I saw you, I thought you were walking away." "You're supposed to put the Rogaine on the crown, not the forehead." "I thought you had a bad temper, but maybe your head's just hot from being under that bear skin rug." "I mean, really?" "Three employees of a KFC in California have been suspended for bathing in a deep sink used to clean dishes." "Which makes me wonder, where is this magical mythical KFC that has dishes?" "Kiss announced that, next year, they will record their first new album since 1998." ""That's awesome," said the guy who still lives in your hometown." "According to new research, obese women have more sex than thin women." "The study was conducted by the prestigious" "Sir Mix-A-Lot Institute for big butt sciences." "Police in New York arrested two coeds from the Fashion Institute of Technology for allegedly dealing cocaine from their dorm room." "Though, in fairness, at F.I.T., that is a major." "I did just want to take a moment, to thank everybody." "This is my last show." "And it has been an amazing experience to be here." "Being able to do over 140 shows with my friends and my family has been a dream come true." "And from the bottom of my heart, I really..." "$50 worth of circus tickets..." " Governor Paterson..." " You're in the shot." " So sorry about that." " Don't do that." "Just keep walking, I guess." "Just stop right there." "That's good." " Great." "No..." "There we go." " I'm sorry?" " You're good where you are." " Wonderful show." "Anyway, I would like to say thank you to everybody." "I love you and I will miss all of you so much." "For Weekend Update, I'm Seth Meyers!" "Well, that wraps up another fine day at the lamp store." "I almost get sad every time we sell a lamp." "I know it sounds corny, but I do love our lamps." "Good night, lamps." "We're three wonderful lamps" "Bringing light into your life If you'll give us the chance" "We're three fabulous lamps" "And after closing time We sing and dance." " The shopkeepers!" " They're coming back." "Hide!" "Why do you need your umbrella?" "It's not even raining." "You can never be too sure." "Honey..." "Harold, did those lamps move?" "What?" "Don't be silly." " Where's your umbrella?" " I think it's over here." "That's not it." "That's the one from last year." "That one has a broken spring." "There you go..." "Found it!" "You'd lose your head if it wasn't attached." "Very funny." "We're three excellent lamps" "We're best used in rooms With no natural light." " The jig is up!" " Get 'em!" "What are you guys doing?" " It's too late." " They've seen our magical powers." "If word of this were to get out, we would be hunted like dogs." " We won't tell anyone, we swear." " Sorry, we can't take that chance." "Open wide." "This is crazy." "This is what's happening, Sharon." "And you can either get in line or get out!" "This is madness" "But we have no choice" "Where do we go from here?" "We're only lamps" "Oh, God..." "I need you now" "I'm a grandfather clock" "And I'm not for sale" "I'm here to..." " What did you do to Harold and Janey?" " It's not what it looks like." "Like hell it isn't." "I'm calling the cops." "It had to be done." "It had to be done." "Only God can judge us now." "What have we become?" "Betrayed the ones who loved us" "Our backs against the wall" "And soon we'll have to run" "But first..." "Let's make the shop owners watch us have sex." "I don't know if we have to do that." "Don't want to do that?" "Forget I said anything." "It's OK." "It's fine." "Because..." "Being a lamp is a crazy life" "Kooky old owner and his crazy wife" "Anything can happen when you end their lifes" "Except you can't feel love." "But not the Broadway you're thinking of." "The Broadway in Iraq!" "I'm ready." "Here's how I want it to start." ""Cat-tention, everyone." ""Meowy christmas."" "Why are you shaking your head?" "Are you going to do this whole thing in the cat voice?" "This is our Christmas letter." "We do this every year." "I am trying to make sure it flows well." "And in order to do that, I need to read it like he would." ""Greetings and salutations." ""It is I, Godfrey," ""the Sorensen family cat." ""I'm sorry once again" ""that I am not writing you all more pur-sonnal letters."" "Seven "r"." ""But this year, we had a cat-tastrophe" ""in the Sorensen home." ""As some of you may know, after a long bout of feline leukemia," ""on November 12, 2008, I was put" ""to sleep." Why are you not typing?" "You really want to do this?" "Do I really want to do what?" "Do you really want to write a Christmas letter from a dead cat?" "What is the problem?" "It's weird when you were just ghost writing for a cat." "Now you're ghost writing for a ghost cat." "I think, people are going to be creeped out by that." "Tough tacos." ""Well, have no fear." ""I am currently writing to you from kitty cat heaven," ""and all of my friends are here." "Mr. Socks, Moxi," ""and little Walter, who still looks adorable," ""even after he was run over by a mail truck."" " You're not typing." " I don't think you want to bring our friends' dead animals into this." "It's a real downer." "Do you want to write this?" "I don't think so, so zip it." ""Although the cause of my rapid decline is at this time not known," ""there is some speculation that a radical procedure" ""could have saved my life." ""At first, I was furious," ""but now, I have made puss with it."" "I was not going to spend $54,000 on a cat bone marrow transplant!" "I know." "You made a very practical decision." "I am not responsible for the death of this animal." "You are not responsible for the death of this what?" "I am not responsible for the death of our... feline son." "I just wish you could try to be more sensitive because he loved Christmas." "And he loved you and when people were tickled by his letter." "You're right." " He was a good guy." " He certainly was." ""Well, the howlidays are upon us." ""So I lick to tell you" ""what's been going on around the Sorenson family mouse." ""Sorry, I must be getting hungry." "I meant house."" "Very funny." " Don't say it if you don't think it." " I think it's wonderful." "I appreciate that." ""My parents are having a fun but challenging year." ""Every chance my dad gets, he makes a fe-line" ""for the golf course." ""And my mom just had surgery to correct her hammer toe." ""Hopefully, she'll get a comfy pair of slippers from Santa claws."" "Claws with a "w" like the animal." ""Well, that's all for now." "I hope you enjoyed this Christmas litter." ""Have a great holiday" ""and a happy neuter year." ""Wuv, Godfrey."" "I am not writing "wuv"." "You can put a gun in my mouth." "I'm not writing the word "wuv"." "I'll make "wuv" to you." "Good afternoon everyone." "You've all been working extra hard these past months." "I appreciate you coming in." "There's coffee and..." "The Philadelphia branch sent over some cookies, so..." " help yourselves." " Tom, what's this all about?" "We're hearing a lot of rumors about layoffs." "I got an e-mail that freaked me out a little." "There are going to be some serious changes starting tomorrow." "How serious are we talking here?" "I'm hearing they might be shutting down whole departments." " I knew it." " Told you." "Awful." "Sorry." "What about us?" "Are we going to lose our jobs?" "I don't know, Lisa." "This whole year has been full of surprises." " The holidays are coming up." " If the worst were to happen," " we'd still get a severance package?" " Of course." " I'm assuming something like that." " It's my last one." "Don't tell my trainer." "He's going to kill me." "Little cookie secret." "I don't understand how they can't give us at least three months' notice." "Tell me about it." "Is that asking too much?" "It's been tough on me too, guys." "Sorry, guys." "A real cookie mouth." "Do you want to move the cookie tray to you?" " Would that make it easier?" " I'm done." "But somebody should arrest this cookie company for cookie-cide." "I can't believe this is happening." "This whole nightmare just landed on my desk this morning." "It's not your fault." "Everyone's going through it." "Is no one else going to have these?" "The peanut butter stripy ones." "You might want to pay attention." "Your department, internet sales, is one of our biggest expenses." "I wish I could stop." "You should put one of the security guards on cookie patrol!" "Do you understand the gravity of what's going on here?" "Will you stop pretending you can't control yourself." "Eat the damn cookies." "Don't have to tell me twice." "It has almonds in it, that one." "I think that's dark chocolate." "I'm bad." "You're gonna have to take me to cookie court." "Guilty as charged, your honor." "Cookie crimes." "Orange peel." "There's ginger in there, too." "I like it." "Take me to confession." "I don't know what that is." "Coffee nibs in those." "Afternoon." " Are you eating those cookies?" " Is there a problem?" "They're a protype from the Dulcolax corporation." "They're not cookies at all." "They're stool softeners." "I have a question." "What's closer, the men's room or the ladies' room?" "Get out of his way." "SATURDAY NIGHT SUB Boogawanga, So." "That's it!" "I've had a fantastic time." "I hope you've enjoyed it." "Thanks to Kanye West." "Maya Rudolph." "Amy Poehler." "And to all of you, Merry Christmas and happy New Year!"