"(TV) But yes, they could have been made in South Wales." "What more can we say?" "Date... 1850, we were hoping you were going to say, in the Regency style but a little bit later." "When it came to the price you said eleven." "And to be honest, I've got down here anything between ten and twelve." "So, it's two points, Mark." "I wouldn't bother watching this." "It's rubbish." "I don't mind." "Now we have on display some buried treasure..." "How long do you reckon you'll be sitting there?" "I don't know." " Have you got the remote?" " What for?" " The telly's a bit dark." " That's how I like it." "You can't see their faces." "You've only been here a couple of days." "Already fiddling with the brightness on my telly." "I had a lot of people look at this flat." "I could have gone for the lawyer." "It's a great view, yeah." "And on a clear day... you can see right across town." "Oi!" "If you like that sort of thing." " What's the matter?" " Oh, someone on Rollerblades." " They can be a nuisance." " Can they?" "I just try and distract them." "See if they fall over." "I do it to Rollerbladers, skateboarders, cyclists." " I'm a cyclist." " Oh, you'd better watch yourself." "I didn't like him much." "Or his mode of transport." "And there was something about his teeth." "They were a bit...sort of low." "(TV) There is some good news and a bit of bad news..." "Oi!" "Course, I could have just gone for the actress." "So what do you do for a living?" " I'm an actress." " Ooh!" "Oh!" "Actress!" "Have you worked ever?" " I was in a musical." " Which one?" " Cats." " That's funny." "I'm allergic to cats." "Not the musical, I mean real cats." "You just dress up as a cat." "If you want, I'll put a flap in the door." " No, I'm not a cat." " No, no." "I'm surprised they use real actresses in those cat costumes." "They could just dress up members of the public." "No one would know." "Yes they would." "It's not just people standing around in cat costumes." "We have to sing and dance and each cat has an individual character." "Sorry." "Sit down." "Have a cup of tea." "See if you like the place." " No more cat jokes." " Promise." "Milk?" "In your tea." "Yeah." "Do you ever get annoyed at those PG Tips chimps?" "They're not real actors like you." "They're just chimps." "(TV, indistinct)" "Do you think you'll be sitting there most nights?" "I suppose so." "It's nice to watch telly in peace." "Round our house, our Barry would wanna watch football," "Whitney would want Changing Rooms," "Ryan would want The Bill, Keisha loves EastEnders," "Gordon loves the news, Mercedes wants the Shopping Channel," " How many of you are there?" " Eleven." "They won't all be coming round, will they?" "I don't know." " This isn't going to work." " What?" "We've made a massive mistake." "You'e fiddling with the telly, hogging the sofa." " Next you'll be using my Club Card." " I've got a Reward Card." " How long have you had that?" " Hour and a half." " How many points you got?" " Nine." "Three years, mate. 17,000 points." "That's loyalty, yeah?" "Actually, hold on." "If you use my card, I get the points." "OK." "OK, right." "Yeah." "OK, you can stay, as long as you use this card when you go shopping." " OK." " Yeah?" " So from now on, this flat is loyal to one card." " OK." "Yeah." " What are you doing?" " High fives." "No, no, no, no." "No funny handshakes." "Not in this..." "No." " Just no physical stuff, yeah?" " Yeah." "No back slaps, nothing like that." "Don't ever touch, shake or catch any part of me, ever." "If I'm on fire, don't put me out." "Let me burn." "We'll get on fine." "Is that your mum?" "No." "I don't know who that is." " Just get it when you buy the wallet." " Oh." " Where are you off to?" " Going to see Nan." "Before you go, me and your dad need a word." "It's about your nan." "It's her teeth, son." "They're false." " Hey?" " And she's got a built-up shoe." "So?" "Her tights...they ain't tights." "They stop below the knee." "Why are you saying all this?" "Her real hair isn't blue." "You know the money she gives you for Christmas?" "It ain't legal tender." "I don't care!" "Jason, you're making this very difficult for us." "She doesn't cook." "Her meals are delivered." " She's got three pairs of glasses." " She keeps bits of soap in a cup." "Stop it!" "Why are you saying these things?" "We just wanted you to know, your nan ain't all she's cracked up to be." "(Blows whistle )" " Oi." "No urinating in the pool." " I wasn't!" "You're seven years old." "You're bound to be." " All right?" " Yeah." "Bored." "Since they closed those diving boards, this job has got very dull." "I remember once, a fella jumped off the top board, then someone jumped off the middle board." "They both landed on the springboard and went back to the top board." "Incredible." " What?" " I told you that yesterday." "They didn't land on the springboard." "They went straight in the pool." "(Blows whistle )" "Stay in your lane!" "You're veering off to the left." "I've only got one arm." "Only use one leg, then!" " (Thud)" " Ah!" "Ah!" "Who put that there?" "Ah!" "Ah!" "Oh!" "Shit!" "Errol!" "Errol!" "Errol!" "Could you chuck us the remote?" "I threw it at Les Dennis." "Here you go." "Oh, and that cushion that's just down there." "Oh, and them crisps." " Do you want me to open..." " No, no, no." "Oh, and put those tissues in the bin." "Ta." "Thanks." "Oh, next time could you get seedless?" "These are a bit..." "And a copy of Loot." "Let's sell the sofa and get something else." "It's a bit early for Family Fortunes." "I tape it and watch it when I'm in the mood." "I've seen this one." "It's dead funny." "They ask you what food you eat at Christmas." " Top answer's turkey, yeah?" " Yeah." " What do the family say?" " Turkey!" "(Laughs )" "They win a car!" "Who are you talking to out there?" "Oh, I'm making a tape for me mum." "Letting her know how I'm getting on." "There's no point ringing." "The phone's always engaged." " Big family." " Yeah." "A friend's got the same problem." "His number's similar to a chat line." "He spends most of his days telling single men to piss off!" "What's the matter?" "Nothing." "I'll just finish me tape." "(Woman ) They're not shut properly." "Will you close the curtains?" "Just close 'em!" " No, you haven't done it properly." " Oh, all right." "Still no." "I can see the light." "Close 'em!" " Oh, it don't matter!" " It do matter!" "Come on, darlin'!" "Close 'em cos I'm not doing nothing till they're closed." "Don't worry about it!" "I like chunky birds!" "Hello, Mum." "It's your third youngest here." "Errol." "The Chinese one." "How are you all?" "." "Did Barry get that job?" "He's the one with the lisp." "I hope so." "I like him." "Well, I'm living in a tower block." "My flatmate's name's Vince." "He's all right." "He seems a bit confused." "Yesterday I told him about Uncle Ray's phone number problem." "He's just told it back to me as if it was his story." "Errol!" "Errol!" "Errol!" " Have you been disloyal?" "." " Eh?" " Where'd you buy these crisps?" " Corner shop." "I knew it." "They're stale." "Will you take them back?" " I'm popping out later." " Take them back now." " I'm finishing my tape." " Take them back or I'll eat them." " But they're stale." " Exactly." "I don't want to eat stale crisps." "And tell him, "Have I got mug written on my forehead?"" "Get right close up to his face and let him know" " he's not dealing with a mug." " I can't get as angry as you can." " Not about crisps." " It's not about crisps." "It is." "(Sighs ) OK, well, take a photo of me so you can point to my face when you're doing the mug bit." "Hang on." "You tell him on tape and I'll play it back to him." "All right." "But you'll have to learn to stand up for yourself." "But I'm standing up for you." " Have you got a photo?" " No." " There's probably one up there." " Oh." "Hm." "Is that your family?" "No." "I don't know who they are." "Use that." "Who do you want to be?" "(Sighs ) Erm..." " The blond one, centre parting." " OK." "No, no, no." "He's too short." "The one with the brown hair." "All right." "Hello." "We bought these crisps." "Turn it off." "At this point you hold up the crisps, right?" "Carry on." "They're stale." "Horrible." "How dare you sell out-of-date crisps!" "Have I got mug written on my forehead?" " Then you point to me." " Yeah." "You should be ashamed of yourself." "What next?" "Out-of-date newspapers?" " And you could point to a newspaper." " OK." "I mean, how hard is it to run a shop?" "Sofa for sale." "Orange." "Two-seater." "Hundred quid." "How many words have I got left?" "Better not waste it." "Just put..." "Tadpole." "There's some real bargains in here." ""50 CDs, all hit albums, £85." "Nipple."" ""Rollerblades, gold and black, as new, £40." "Butterscotch."" "Oi!" "You never know." "Oh, look at this." ""Much loved three-seat sofa, ideal for kids to play on," ""or dog to give birth."" "No, we're not getting another sofa." "We get separate chairs and you know, get on better." ""Wedding dress, size 18, never worn, £150." ""Bastard."" "(Sizzling)" "Ah!" "Ah!" "Ooh!" "Oh!" "(Tape ) Hello, son, it's your mum." "Glad you're settled in London." "Thought I'd cheer you up with one of me tapes, tell you what's going on." "The cat's dead, your auntie's in hospital, the boiler blew up," "Kerry's pregnant, drains are blocked, Gordon's bisexual, the mice have gone, Tania made a scarf," "Ryan's now a sergeant but he's gone bald," "Whitney's stupid, not dyslexic," "Gerry's gone Muslim and I've started the change." "That's it, really." "Hope you'll be all right in London." "Everyone says hiya." "Keisha says can you buy something from Harrods and send her the bag." " Errol!" " Hiya." "Is your leg better?" "No." "I got a minicab down to Tescos." "Thought I'd treat myself to a few loyalty points." "Look at that." "Filipino honky fruit." "300 points." " What's it taste like?" " Don't know." "I don't really care." " Oi!" " (Crash)" "Yes!" "Agh!" "This is one of those perfect days." "I bet you any minute now the fella opposite is gonna come round and admit to moving the doormat." "You look a bit red round the eyes." "Been staring at the microwave?" " No." " You want to be careful." "A mate of mine cooked his own eyeballs watching baked potatoes heat up." "Silly bugger." "That was in the paper yesterday." "And it was a woman from Derby." "It wasn't baked potatoes, it were pasties." " I don't think so, Errol." " You read it out." "Oh, you can remember that, can you?" "Well, yeah." "You came into my room and turned the light on." "I suppose it is a bit similar to what happened to my friend." "What is wrong with your eyes?" "I think I've strained them." "They're not used to your telly." " Is it on?" " Yeah, I just turned the sound down." "(Racing commentary on television )" " I didn't know you were a gambler." " I'm not." "I just like watching the midgets on horseback." "Don't you think you ever know which one's gonna win?" "Not on your telly." "Come on, let's have the brightness up." " Thanks, Vince." " I said don't touch me!" "You had to spoil it, didn't you?" "( # The Shadows:" "Apache )" "(Mum, on tape ) Ooh, I miss you, son." "(Door buzzer)" "Where is it?" " Have you come about the sofa?" " Yeah." "Sorry." "I don't allow smoking in my flat." "All right." "I'll finish it here." "Sorry, I just don't like it." "It's..." "(Clears throat)" "Good value though, aren't they, those Superkings." "They're not Superkings." "They're Extra Longs." "Right." "Is there a difference?" "Yeah." "About four puffs." "You're gonna be ages, aren't you?" "Why don't you just come through when you're ready?" "( # Apache continues)" " It's seen better days." " Yeah, I've dished out a few..." " It's very comfortable." " How much?" " 100?" " 100 quid for this?" " Is it flammable?" " I don't know." " Do you want it?" " 25 quid." " 99." " That's not bargaining, you middle-class ponce." " 30." " I'm not middle-class!" " 90." " Course you are." " Look at your fruit bowl. 35." " They were on special offer. 80." "You haven't even got your telly on. 40." "I was reading a book. 70." "Gotcha. 45." "When I say book I mean car manual. 60?" "What was it for?" "A Bentley?" "50." "50, yeah." "OK." "OK." "Yeah. 50." "I'll pick it up tomorrow." "No, no, you've got to take it now." "But I'm on me own." "I haven't got me van." "It's not my problem." "I don't want your sofa cluttering up my room." "I live here." "This isn't some lock-up garage." "You can't just dump furniture in the middle of my flat." "All right." "I'll take it now." "I'll get out of your way." "There you are." "Mind that." "It's old." "( # Apache continues )" " (Turns music off)" " Thanks." "Oi!" "You got my Club Card!" "The Club Card!" "( # Propellerheads:" "Bang OnI)" "(Music stops )" "(Music resumes )" "Errol?" "." " What happened to loyalty?" " It's not for me, it's for me sister." "She wanted something from Harrods." " A pint of milk?" " No, she just wants the bag." "You went all the way to Harrods to get a carrier bag?" "It's worth it." "Should see her face when she gets a new bag." "Yeah, I heard 43. 43 what?" "What street?" "You don't know what street you are?" " Why don't you ask her?" " She won't give it back to me." " Just go in there, sit down..." " Why me?" "She hates my guts." "She thinks I'm Lord Snooty." "Please, it's for my Club Card." "Please." "OK." "I said, "Adrian, look out the window." "What's it like?"" "He said, "I don't know, Mum." "It's dark."" " He's 28!" " (All laugh)" "Errol!" "What's...?" "Where are you...?" "Where are you going?" "Sorry, we don't pick up single gentlemen unless they come into the office." " Yeah, and you." " (Phone )" "Mama Cabs." "It's on it's way." "It'll be there any minute." "Brenda, where are you?" "I've just come off the roundabout." "Where are you?" "ETA two minutes." "Over." " You want a cab?" " Yeah, yeah." "I'm waiting for my girlfriend." "Lives around the corner." "Buy her some honey." "Ahem." " What do think you're doing, boy?" " Sorry." "Just getting comfortable." "My leg." " You're trying to touch my bottom!" " No!" " Maxy, we have a pervert here." " What are you doing here?" "I was looking for my wallet." " Shut up!" " Pervert!" "I'm so sorry I made you push the sofa." "But my wallet's in here somewhere." "Pathetic, isn't he?" "Just like Hugh Grant." ""I'm so sorry I made you push the sofa"!" " Pervert." " I'm nothing like Hugh Grant." " I work at the swimming baths." " He buys his milk from Harrods." "Ooh!" "It's not my bag." "It belongs to..." "It doesn't matter." "Look, I've come to look for my wallet." "It's stuck in the sofa." "Where's..." " My wallet!" " What's in it?" " My Tesco Club card." " Anything else?" " There'd be a fiver in there." " Anything else?" "Oh, a picture of a little old lady." "It's my mum." "I take it with me everywhere." " That's mine as well." " A lot of people sit here." " Could belong to anybody." " No, there's a message from my mum." "Oh, I miss you, son." "It seems like yesterday I had you in me arms." "I want you to be careful down there in London." "I do worry about you." "If I was there now I'd give you a great big kiss and a hug." "No, she wouldn't." "No." "I'd let you know that I don't think you're weird or strange." "You're my little boy and I love you. (Sobs)" " Is that your mum?" " Yeah." "Yeah, love her to bits." " I don't see enough of my boy." " Them never call." "He got five years just for driving a van." " Them always busy." " Full of cannabis." "As it happens, you look a little bit like him." "Oh, come here." "Give us a cuddle." " No, I'm fine." " A nice lad." "I'm fine." "I don't need a cuddle." "It's not necessary." "I really I don't like this." " What's the matter?" " What don't you like?" " Just relax a little." " I don't like this!" "I really would like to get out of this..." "You lay back and relax." "Don't worry." "What happens..." "You see, you don't realise what..." "Calm down now." "Calm down." " No!" " Don't worry!" " Calm down." " (Vince screaming)" "That's close enough." "Put it down there." "Get back." "Further." "Why is it you hate being touched?" " Remember Jim'll Fix It?" " (Impersonates Jimmy Saville )" "Yeah." "I wrote in... asking to meet the Wombles." "I did." "Never meet your heroes, Errol." "They all came running out." "Uncle Bulgaria, he slipped." "Fell on top of me." "The other Wombles thought it was a game." "They piled on top." "Do you remember how many there were?" " Tomsk." "Orinoco." " (Errol) Tobermory." "Yeah, that fat bastard." "Within seconds I was buried under a Womble mountain." "They never showed that episode cos I had a panic attack." "I didn't even get a medal." "I'm really sorry to hear that." "Well, now you know." "There we go." "Video proof that I was on Jim'll Fix It with the Wombles." "No!" "It was brilliant." "They buried me under a Womble mountain."