"I deliver perfection..." "and don't brag about it!" ":" "D" "Sorry, I forgot my key." "Oh, thanks..." "Hello, Fawlty Towers." "Yes." "Yes." "No, this afternoon, that would be fine." "No, it's 16 Elwood Avenue." "16, that's it." "Thank you." "I'll just put these outside, shall I, dear?" "Polly, this is where we'll be if you need us." "There's the number." "If Mr. Stubbs wants to know anything, just ring, but don't if you don't have to." "It's the first weekend we've had off since Audrey had her hysterectomy." "Don't worry, I know what they've got to do." "Somebody called about a garden gnome." "They're going to deliver it this afternoon." "Oh, good." "Golf shoes." "Good morning, Major." "Very well, thank you." "Does everyone know about dinner tonight?" "I think so." "But you'll be able to manage breakfast tomorrow?" "There's just the ladies and the Major." "Where are those shoes?" ""One moment, please." "I will het your vill."" "Manuel, "Get your bill."" "I will het your bill." "Get." "Get." "Ga... ga." "Get." "Get." "Ga... ga." " That's it." " I will get your vill." "Polly... oh, Manuel, put those in the cases." "Ah, Manuel..." ""One moment, please." "I will get your bill."" "What?" ""I will get your bill," Sí?" "What are you talking about?" "Listen." "No, please." ""Today we have veef, beal or sothages."" " What?" " Bangers." " Shut up." " Eh?" " Shut up." " Oh, Sí, sí, shut up." " Yes, I understand." " Well, will you please shut up?" " Sí, sí, I shut up." " Now, while we're away..." " Shut up." " Shut up!" "While we're away..." "gone..." "Clean the windows." "Oh, look..." "Cuando nosotoros somos away..." "What's "away" in Spanish?" "You know,"away." "away!"" " Oh, sí, sí." " No, not you." "While we're away, clean the windows." " Green?" " No, no." "Look..." "Clean the windows." " Clean the windows." " Clean." " Good morning, Fawlty." " Good morning, Major." "See?" "Clean the windows." "Comprendo." "Comprendo." "Oh, Mr. Fawlty." "Good morning, Ladies." "Ursula and I think you're a very naughty boy." " Don't we, Ursula?" " Oh, God." "Oh, really?" "Going away for the weekend, leaving us all alone." "Tsk, tsk, tsk." "But we know where you're going." "The cat's out of the bag." " You and your wife." " It's only Paignton." "Have a lovely time." "It'll do you good." "You need to get away from things." "Well, we're going together." "Don't you worry about us." "Oh, all right." "You know men are coming to do some work here?" " Yes." " You'll have to go to Gleneagles for your din-dins tonight." "And Polly will be in charge, if you need anything." "Have a lovely weekend." "Don't do anything we wouldn't do." "Just a little breathing, surely." "I must buzz off now." " "Buzz"?" " Yes, you know," " Like babbity-bumble." " Oh, buzz-buzz-buzz..." "Polly, I have asked you, please, not to leave your strange drawings lying around." "What is this supposed to be?" "It's just a sketch." "What are you trying to do?" "This is a junkyard, isn't it?" " Can I have it?" " Why's it got a collar and tie under it?" " It's not finished." " It's very good... old soup tins, broken down car, dustbins, mattresses, hoovers, and a nice smart collar and tie underneath." "I mean, what's it supposed to be?" "It's not important." "Can I have it back?" "It's irritating." "Do you ever sell any of those?" "I sell a few portraits now and again, thank you." "I haven't much hope for this one." "Would you give me that stapler?" "What is the point of something like that?" " No point." " No point?" "What's the point in being alive?" "Beats me." "We're stuck with it, I suppose." "Would you give me the stapler?" " If you don't go on at me." " The stapler." "Sorry." "What's the matter with you today?" "I didn't get much sleep last night." "We are leaving you in charge." "I didn't do it to spite you, I promise." "Good, you won't feel so tired, then." "Fawlty Towers." " Basil." " Who is it?" "It's Mr. O'Reilly." "That's odd." "It must be about the garden wall." "Hello, O'Reilly?" "When are you coming to finish our garden wall?" "We are tired of having that pile of bricks blocking..." "I told you not to call." "My wife thinks Stubbs is doing the doors." "What time will they be here, then?" "All right, 4:00." "If there are any problems tell your men to get Polly to call me." "Do you understand?" "Next week's definite, is it?" "That would be nice, won't it?" "We've waited for that wall about as long as Hadrian." "No, Hadrian." "The Emperor Hadrian." "It doesn't matter." "I'll explain next week." "Thank you so much." "Goodbye." "You don't really believe all that?" "We've been waiting four months." "Why should he do it now?" " I think he will this time." " If you had used Stubbs..." " We'd have had a huge bill." " You get what you pay for." "O'Reilly's a cut-price, cock-up artist." " Oh, Sybil." " With Stubbs you may pay a little more..." "A "little more"?" "Yes, but he does a really professional job and he does it when he says he will." "You'll see." "When's he coming?" "About 4:00, I think." "You're going to wear that jacket?" "Yes, I am, thank you, dear." "You just haven't a clue, have you?" "You wouldn't understand." "It's called style." "Yoo-hoo!" "They're here." "How fabulous." "Do try to be agreeable this weekend." "Have I got everything?" "Handbag, knuckle dusters, flick knife." "Come on, Basil, don't hang about." "I'm just coming, dear." "Quick, Polly." "The men will be here at 4:00." "You know what they're doing?" "They're putting the door through to the kitchen." "At the bottom of the stairs, and...?" " And?" " And blocking the drawing room door." " Blocking it?" " So we can have privacy away from the plebs." "Don't you take anything in?" "Where's my cap?" "One other thing, when the men come, they won't be Stubbs', they'll be O'Reilly's." "Where is it?" " What?" "O'Reilly?" " Yes!" "Does Mrs. Fawlty know?" "I wouldn't mention it." "They don't quite hit off." "I had to change it!" "Stubbs has a virus, or something." "She said you were never using him again." "I don't..." "He's sending his best man." "All you have to do is take a quick look when they finish." "Any problems, call me." "Have a nice weekend." "If she asks me, I'll tell her." "Thank you so much." "I've always been a great admirer of loyalty." "I forget!" "It doesn't matter, Manuel." "De nada." "Oh." "Oh, is Mr. Fawlty." " Shh." " Shh." "Windows, por favor." "Oh, Polly, finish." "I tired." "That's wonderful." "Hold it a second." "Qué?" "Quiero subir para dormir." "No, speak me English." "Is good." "I learn." "I want to go upstairs in a moment." "Er..." "Qué?" "I" " Go-upstairs." "Ah, sí." "Is easy." " For a little sleep." " Is difficult." "For siesta." " Siesta?" "Little sleep?" " Yes." "Ah, same in Spanish." "When O'Reilly's men come, you must wake me." "When orelly men come..." "Sí." "Manuel, listen." "When men come here," " Seòor O'Reilly..." " Ah, when men come...?" "You come upstairs and wake me up." "Despiérteme." "Sí." "When men come, subiré a tu cuarto a despertarte." "Antes que empiecen a trabajar aquí." " Sí?" " Comprendo." " Finished." " Eh?" "Oh." "Manuel!" "Manuel Towers." "How are you?" "Is nice today?" "Good." "Goodbye." "Oh, good day." "Hello." "How are you?" " Number 16." " Sí, 16," " But no eat." " What?" "16 is free, but not possible..." "Is this number 16?" "No, no." "This lobby." "16 upstairs, on right." "Who's in charge here?" "No, charge later." "After sleep." "Where's the boss?" "Boss is..." "Oh..." "I boss." "No, no." "Where's the real boss?" "Qué?" "The generalissimo." "In Madrid." "Look, just sign this, will you?" "Sí, sí." " 16." " What?" " You want room 16?" " I don't want a room, mate." "I'm just leaving him." "You want room 16 for him?" "Yeah." "With a bath, you dago twit." "You mad." "You pay for room first." "He crazy. "For room 16." No room 16." "No pay, no room 16." "Fawlty Towers, How are you?" "Nice day." "What?" "No, no." "He not here." "He not here." "Very sorry." "Goodbye." " Hello, men." " Good day, now." "You are men." "What?" " You are men." " Are you trying to be funny?" "Huh?" " I said, you trying to be funny?" " Not here, spud." " You are men with orelly." " What?" " You orelly men." " What does that mean?" " You orelly." " You watch it!" " Where orelly?" " What's he going on about?" "He means O'Reilly." "Oh..." "That's right, yeah." "We are "orelly" men." "Thick as a plank." "Wait here, please." "I go, you wait." "You wait, too, please." "Polly?" "Polly?" "Hello, Fawlty Towers." "How are you?" "Is nice day." "You again." "I say, he not here." "He not here." "Very, very sorry." "Goodbye." "Wicked." "You men know what to do?" "I think so." "This is the dining room." "You are certain you know?" "It looks straightforward." "We've got to block this off." "Yes, yes, yes!" "Is you again?" "Now, listen..." "He not here." "How many times?" "Where are your ears, you great, big half-wit!" "He no here!" "Listen!" "Now you understand?" "He..." "Oh!" "Oh, Mr. Fawlty!" "I very sorry." "Very sorry." "Is you!" "Yes, is me, Mr. Fawlty." "Polly?" "No, no, she very busy." "Men?" "Yes, men are here." "Men are work..." "you work, men." "Yes." "What?" "Ah, yes." "Please, which one is man with beard?" "Sí, sí." "Hid... agh... ang..." "Sí, comprendo." "Sí." "One moment, please." "You are... a hideous orang-utang." "Yeow!" "...Manuel, thank you very much." "Polly?" "Polly?" "!" "Polly!" "Manuel!" "Polly, what have you done with my hotel?" "Polly, what have you done to my hotel?" " What?" " Look." "Oh, it's nice." "I like it there..." "Ouch!" "You're hurting me!" "What have you done with my dining room door?" " Where is it?" " I don't know." "Why don't you know?" "I left you in charge!" " I fell asleep." " You fell asleep?" "It's not my fault!" "You fell asleep, and it's not your fault?" " He forgot to wake me." " Who forgot to wake you?" " It is my fault." " Manuel!" "I knew it!" " Manuel!" " Don't blame him!" " Why not?" " It's not really his fault." "Whose fault is it, you cloth-eared bint," "Dennis Compton's?" "Well, you hired O'Reilly, didn't you?" "We warned you." "Who else would do this?" " I beg your pardon?" " You hired O'Reilly." "I see." "It's my fault?" "Of course." "I was thinking it was your fault because you'd been left in charge, or Manuel's for not waking you, and all the time, it was my fault." "It so obvious, I've seen the light." "I must be punished, mustn't I?" "You're a naughty boy, Fawlty." "Don't do it ag..." "What am I gonna do?" "!" "She's going to be back at lunchtime!" "Now, wait..." "I'm a dead man!" "Do you realize?" "You're dead, too!" "We're all dead!" "Don't panic!" "What else is there to do?" "!" "We'll call O'Reilly." "He made this mess, he can clear it up." "Just pull yourself together!" "Come on!" "Again!" "Harder!" "Right!" "I'll call O'Reilly." "What is this?" "What is this doing here?" "What is going on here?" "!" "Your wife ordered it." "Call O'Reilly." "That golfing puff adder?" "What does she want...?" " Call O'Reilly!" " What?" " Shall I call him?" " No, I'll do it." "I'll call him." "See if that roof is still on." " What are you doing?" " Stay there." " You can't do that now." " Hold it, hold it." "See if they've started breakfast... now!" "Ah, hello, Mr. O'Reilly." "How are you this morning?" "Oh, good." "Good." "No rare diseases or anything?" "I do beg your pardon." "Basil fawlty." "You remember?" "The poor sod you do jobs for?" "How are things on your end?" "Good." "Good, good, good." "How would you like to hear about things my end?" "Up to your usual standard, I think I could say..." "A few holes in the floor..." "The odd door missing, but nothing you can't be sued for." " Good morning." " I beg your pardon?" " Good morning." " One moment, please." "Did you say, "Good morning?"" " Sí." " I see." "What are you going to do now?" "Qué?" "What... you..." "do... now?" "I serve breakfast." "Let's see you, then." "Sí." " Where is door?" " A-ha." "Door is gone." "Door was here!" "Where?" "Here?" "Or here?" "Or here?" " Morning, Fawlty." " Morning, Major." "I'm so sorry, but I'm afraid the dining room door seems to have disappeared." "Oh, yes, so it has." "It used to be there." "I was silly enough to leave the hotel for a few minutes..." "These things happen, you know?" "I wonder where it's got to." "Don't worry, it's bound to turn up." "Have the newspapers arrived yet?" "Not yet, Major." "Manuel, would you please show the Major how to get into the dining room via the kitchen?" "Is difficult." "Major, will you please show Manuel how to get into the dining room via the kitchen?" "Yes, of course." "Come here." "Come on." "Now, look here, O'Reilly, I want my dining room door put back and this other one taken away by 1:00, do you understand?" "No, I don't want to debate about it." "If you're not over here in 20 minutes with my door," "I shall come over there and insert a large garden gnome in you." "Good day." "I'm sorry, but my men won't work on Sunday." "That's the way it is." "There's nothing I can do about it." "How long is it going to take you?" "I'm working as fast as I can." "It had better be fast enough." "She's here in four hours." " Tea up." " What?" "I brewed a cup for him." "He hasn't got time to drink that now." " Biscuits?" " These look good." "Give them to me." "Will you get on with it?" "Look, this lot here..." "an hour and a half." "This one easy..." "lick of paint, lick of paint, lick of paint, one hour." " What time is it now?" " Ten to 9:00." "All right, 10 to 9:00 and two and a half hours is plenty of time." "Give us a biscuit." "Not until you've done the door." "Polly, take them away." "You can have that when you've finished the door, too." "The trouble with you, is that you worry too much." "Keep it up like this, you'll have a stroke before you're 50." " Stone dead you'll be." " Suits me." "That's a dreadful thing to say." "Not at all." "I'll get a bit of peace." "Don't be so morbid." "The good Lord made the world so we could all enjoy ourselves." "My wife enjoys herself, I worry." "If the good Lord meant us to worry he would have given us things to worry about." "He has!" "My wife!" "She will be back here in four hours, and she can kill a man at 10 paces with one blow of her tongue." "How am I supposed not to worry?" "Just remember, there's always someone worse off than yourself." "I'd like to meet him." "I could do with a laugh." "You'll just have to worry for the both of us." "I'm telling you, if the good Lord..." "Is mentioned once more," "I shall move you closer to him." "Now, please!" "Mr. Fawlty, she's here." " What?" " She's here." "Oh, God." "Quick!" "Hide!" "Hide!" "I'll try to get rid of her." "Hide!" " Where?" " In there." "I'll try and stall her." "God help me." " Hello, Sybil." " Hello, Basil." "You finished your golf early." "We haven't started yet." " Where are you going?" " Up these steps." "Oh, don't." "It's such a lovely day." "Let's go for a walk." "We haven't done that for years." "I nearly forgot." "You're not going to believe this." "Let me show you." "There." "Look at that." "That's Stubbs for you." "Mind you, I warned you, but still, a reputable builder like that." "Tsk, tsk, tsk." "Stubbs?" "Wicked." "Pfft." " Where's O'Reilly?" " Criminal." "Tsk." "Pfff." "Hmm?" "Where's O'Reilly?" " O'Reilly?" " Yes, O'Reilly." "Sybil, you never cease to amaze me." "Just because of this, you automatically assume it has to be O'Reilly." "Right" "You just assume that I have been lying all along." "Right?" "I mean, why O'Reilly?" "Because his van's outside." "Well, he's here now." "Of course he's here now." "He's here to clear up this mess your Stubbs has made!" "That's why his van's outside!" "On a Sunday." "That's what I call service." " I agree." " You do?" "Yes, but if Stubbs has made this mess then I think they should come and clear it up." "But there's no point now that O'Reilly's here." "We want it done straightaway." "There's no point in paying O'Reilly when Stubbs would have to do it for free." " I'll call him now." " He won't be there on Sunday." "Then I'll call him at home." "Ooh!" "Ah-hh!" "Getting a bit of gyp from the ol' leg this morning." "Not to worry." "I've called him at home, and he's not there." "When did you call him?" "First thing." "Before I called O'Reilly." "Wasn't that early for a Sunday?" "I called him just before you arrived." "There's nobody there." "Yes, hello." "Fawlty Towers." "Yes?" "Who?" "I think you'd better have a word with my wife." "It's somebody from Mr. Stubbs, dear." "Hello, Sybil Fawlty." "Well, it is a complete mess." "Could you come straight round and put it right?" "Would you like to deal with this, Basil?" "...you see, we couldn't possibly manage it for at least three weeks." "But if you want it done straightaway," "I suggest you try someone like..." "Oh, what's his name?" "It's... uh..." "O'Reilly?" "Bravo, Polly." "Well done." "Listen, where are you speaking from?" "She's in here with me, Basil." " It's partly my fault." " No, it isn't." "Is somebody there trying to pretend they're from Mr. Stubbs' company?" "What game are you playing?" "I mean, really!" "Really!" "Would you believe what some people will do?" "I'm going to make you regret this for the rest of your life." "Fair enough, but Stubbs is partly to blame..." " Basil!" " Yes, dear?" "Don't you dare give me any more of those pathetic lies." "Oh, right." "What do you take me for?" "Did you really think that I would believe this shambles is the work of professional builders?" "People who do it for a living?" "No, not really." "Why did I trust you?" "Why did I let you make the arrangements?" "I could have seen what was going to happen." "Why did I do it?" "We all make mistakes, dear." "I'm sick to death of you." "You never learn, do you?" "You never, ever, learn." "We have used O'Reilly three times in the last year and each time it has been a fiasco!" "That wall out there is still not done!" "You got him in to change a washer in november and we didn't have any running water for two weeks!" "He's not really a plumber." "Then why did you hire him?" " Because he's cheap." " I wouldn't call him cheap." "What would you call him, then?" "Well, cheapish." "The reason he's cheapish is he's no bloody good!" "Oh, you do exaggerate." "He's not brilliant." "Not brilliant?" "He belongs in a zoo!" "You never give anyone the benefit of the doubt." "He's shoddy, he doesn't care, he's a liar, he's incompetent, he's lazy, he's nothing but a half-witted, thick, irish joke!" "Hello, O'Reilly." "We were just talking about you." "Then we got on to another Irish builder we used to know." "God, he was awful!" "I was talking about you, Mr. O'Reilly." "Were you, dear?" "I thought..." "Come, come, Mrs. Fawlty..." "I'm coming." "Dear me, what have I done now?" "That and that." "Not to worry." "I'm putting it right." "Not to worry?" "You've heard of the genie of the lamp?" "That's me." "You think I'm joking, don't you?" "Oh, don't smile." "Why are you smiling, Mr. O'Reilly?" "To be perfectly honest, I like a woman with spirit." "Oh, do you?" "Is that what you like?" "I do." "I do." "Oh, good." "Now, Sybil, that's enough." "Come on, then." "Give us a smile." "I have seen more intelligent creatures lying on their backs at the bottom of ponds." "I've seen better organized creatures than you running around farmyards with their heads cut off." "Now collect your things, and get out." "I never want to see you or any of your men in my hotel again." "If you'll excuse me, I have to speak to a professional builder." "Hello, Mr. Stubbs?" "It's Sybil Fawlty here." "I'm sorry to disturb you on a Sunday morning." "We have a slight problem with a couple of doors we'd like you to take care of." "When do you think you could come take a look at them?" "Tomorrow morning at 9:00?" "That would be fine." "See you then." "Thank you very much." "Goodbye." "I think I shall go over to Audrey's now." "I shan't be back till the morning." " Oh, Basil." " Yes, dear?" "What is that doing here?" "Your garden gnome." "Isn't it nice?" "Don't you think it would be better in the garden?" "Yes, dear." "Good idea." "Oh, no, no, Basil." "Put him back." "On second thought, I'll leave him in charge." "I'm sure he's cheap and he'll certainly be better at it than you." "Have a nice day, dear." "Don't drive over any mines or anything." "Toxic midget." "Where are you going?" "Please take your tools back and continue." "In view of what Mrs. Fawlty was saying..." "You're not going to take that seriously?" "I thought I might." "What sort of a man are you?" "Are you going to let her speak to us like that?" " She did!" " No, she didn't." "She thinks she did, but we'll show her." "We're not going to just put that door back and take that one out." "We'll close that one off and put that one through as well." "We're going to do the best day's work you've ever done." "Manuel, any sign?" "No, no." " Morning, Fawlty." " Morning, Major." " The papers are here." " Ah, good." "Notice anything new, Major?" "Another car strike." "Oh, my." " Morning, Major." " Oh, good morning..." " Never mind." " Oh, right." "Ah!" "You've found it." "I knew you would." "He lost it, you know." "Mr. Fawlty, she come now!" "Quick!" "Morning, dear." "Did you have a pleasant evening?" "Oh, good." "Ah, Mr. Stubbs." " My wife's just there." " Thank you." "Good morning, Mrs. Fawlty." "Mr. Stubbs." "This is most awkward." "I'm afraid I have to apologize." "My husband has put me in an embarrassing situation..." "Once again." "I was going to ask you to do some work here." "Yes?" "But I was away, and when I came back, it appears to have been done." " Everything all right?" " Oh, I see." "It'll probably fall down by lunchtime." "Do you think so?" "Let's ask a real expert." "Do you think it'll fall down by lunch, Mr. Stubbs?" "No, no." "Mr. Stubbs wouldn't agree with you on that one." " It's a very good job." " Did you hear that, dear?" " A very good job." " Hmm?" "None of us likes being wrong." "I certainly don't." "We knocked through this door, and we closed this one off." "What did you use?" "An Rsj?" "No, four by two." "Not bad, eh, dear?" "And not expensive." "I mean, for the Lintel." "Did you use an Rsj?" "You know, and iron girder?" "Or did you use a concrete lintel?" "No, a wooden one." "But that's a supporting wall." "What?" "Thanks very much for coming over this morning..." "Just a minute." "That isn't strong enough?" "That's a supporting wall, Mrs. Fawlty." "It could give way at any moment." "Any moment?" "God help the floors above." "Keep this door shut until I can get a screwjack to prop it up before the lot comes down." "Cowboys." "Basil?" "Basil?" "!" "Basil!" "Where are you going?" "I'm going to see Mr. O'Reilly, dear." "Then I think I might go to Canada."