"RADIO: 'Coming up in the next hour, some Classic FM...'" "'A chance of showers in Northern Ireland this evening." "And now Ralph Vaughan Williams' The Lark Ascending...'" "Second on the left up here." "Disraeli Road." "You got a number?" "Number nine." "Call emergency assistance." "Through there, lying there." "I couldn't get through." "I couldn't see for sure." "Too late." "Cam?" "Stop here, sir." "What's happened?" "What's happening?" "Done?" "A particularly shitty chapter in my life closed." "Jack!" "Hey, son, at last." "I'll take this in my car." "Nice of you to join us." "Anyway, goodbye to the single life, eh?" "Staying the night?" "No." "First night at Sue's house." "Nice big bedroom." "Mum is picking me up at ten." "Oh." "Well..." "At least you're celebrating with us." "Are you all right?" "I'm getting a kitten." "Nice one." "You got a lot." "Them boys won't take long to demolish it." "Ready when you are." "Jack!" "Fodder!" "Is he OK?" "He's fine." "Great." "It's been his home, too, Cam." "Us blokes don't see things the same way you girlies do." "And he'll miss having you all to himself." "Oh, do give over." "Mango pickle." "Superb." "Hey, look at that." "That's great." "Lovely." "I love that, Jacko." "Can we find a little corner for it somewhere?" "Course we can." "Pride of place." "Here." "Thank you." "To all of us." "To new starts and new families." "To us." "And my kitten." "Do you think it's going to work out?" "Between you and me?" "It'll be a disaster." "Be serious." "Course it will." "Course it will." "Sweetheart." "Of course it will." "I didn't see her face." "I can't be sure it's her." "Hi, Mum." "Oh, no." "Who's pulled his shoulder out again?" "Are you sure it's Mary picking you up today?" "She's here, Miss." "# Mary's in love, Mary's in love" "Shut up." "(SCREAMS)" "I'm gonna slap you now." "MAN ON RADIO: 'That was Athlete." "More musical than your average pole vaulter.'" "It's Daddy?" "Daddy is on the radio." "'And now something if you're not so great an athlete after all.'" "Your dad's sad, you know that?" "Sexy, eh?" "Shit." "Anybody home?" "It's only Cam." "(MUSIC OFF)" "All right, girls?" "(MICROWAVE PINGS)" "Ah, microwave meal." "So much for five fruit and veg, eh?" "Christ, I thought that was your mum." "Well..." "Cheese and chip sarnies." "Sty..." "lish." "Funny how I'm his father when it suits you." "Never miss an opportunity to have a go." "'Unfortunately, on this one occasion...' Let me guess." "'I'm baby-sitting.' That's the trouble with younger women, younger kids." "Until Sue gets back from work." "But my work doesn't count." "I've got a governors' meeting." "I can hardly let them down." "When did you ever?" "I'm not asking for a whole precious evening." "Just so I can cash up." "Are you deaf or just stupid?" "I'm looking after a seven-year-old." "Who is not my problem." "Or your problem." "Your son is your problem." "All right, I'll call Sue." "What the hell has it got to do with her?" "She's still at work." "She can nip down to outpatients and keep an eye on him." "Stuff bloody Sue." "This is nothing to do with bloody Sue." "Your son is..." "Bastard." "Hung up." "Just go, Mum." "You can go and cash up or whatever." "Waiting time, two hours." "I'll still be here when you get back." "Are you sure you'll be all right?" "Hello there." "Your dad phoned." "We thought we'd got over all that, didn't we?" "Mum go back to work?" "Parking." "Has anyone seen you?" "My mum is sorting it." "I could..." "No." "Thanks." "You can go." "Mum will be back in a minute." "OK." "You sure?" "She wasn't there." "I had a good look round the car park." "You could spare five minutes." "Hi, Mum." "It took them three hours just to find a doctor last time." "He'll cope." "Can I watch EastEnders?" "Let me think." "No." "Did you ask about kittens?" "Oh, sorry, darling." "You just have to be patient." "Good evening, gents." "Build you up." "Thanks." "Don't think I need it though, the belly on me." "If you're looking for compliments..." "It'd be a nice change." "Evening, everyone." "Can we make a start?" "Lots to get through." "Apologies for absence." "What did Mary do for your tea?" "Cheese sandwich and an apple." "Oh." "She's getting better." "Argh!" "All finished." "Just get your breath back." "He's in bed and fine." "I was hoping to see him." "You'll just have to wait till the weekend." "Oh, I'd really like that framed photo back, please." "I'm sure you would." "But Jack gave it to me." "It wasn't his to give." "I had the enlargement done and had it framed." "And I took it." "Well, I would, wouldn't I?" "Seeing as you've never been to a single match ever, have you?" "Piss off, arsehole!" "Jack!" "See you on the weekend, son!" "When is Family Liaison turning up?" "(WOMAN SCREAMS)" "That'll be the mother home, then." "Paul." "Has anyone phoned Paul?" "Paul Brooks' Lunch Box." "A regular lunchtime show." "I'm sick of covering for holidays and sick leave." "They might think you're a bit old for the wild, zany, young approach." "But the show demographic doesn't say that at all." "'Remember about that phone-in, kids." "Do you still want to see dad rock alive and kicking or lying down and submitting?" "All your opinions count.'" "If he could manage to be on time just once." "You know that photo of Jack?" "I put it in his room." "Well, I'll never see it there." "Oh, right, sorry." "I didn't think." "I just thought he'd like.." "We'll find somewhere else for it." "If it's not too much trouble." "Cameron Miller." "You're peeved." "No, not at all." "You are." "You're a very peeved peevish person." "A VPPP." "Daddy!" "Daddy!" "Daddy!" "Hello, gorgeous." "Hop in." "(MUSIC PLAYS)" "I'm sorry, sausage." "Oh, bad dad." "Mention to your mum... that I am. (CHUCKLES)" "Yeah, I know, I'm sorry." "Bye!" "You'll be seeing her in a minute." "Is she bigger?" "Yeah, bigger by the second." "But is she still tiny?" "Yeah." "She's not turned into a toddler overnight, you know." "How's life been?" "Are you OK?" "Is he all right, this Cameron?" "I've sorted out some toys." "Look." "Oh, excellent." "What's the son like?" "Jack is it?" "Horrible." "He's always on his stupid X-Box and he won't get off the TV." "Still, you don't see much of him." "He goes to his dad at weekends and you go to yours." "Is he my brother now?" "Hmm?" "Jade Clulow's got a half sister, two extra daddys and a dog." "The other daddy swears a lot." "What, three daddys?" "The sweary one came to the swimming gala." "Oo-er." "(DOOR OPENS)" "Hello, sweetheart." "She was worried she'd be all grown up." "I got her something." "That's very kind of you." "She's had so many gifts." "Not to keep." "Just to look at." "How lovely." "When I get my kitten, she can come to my house and can come and see her." "(HEAVY BREATHING)" "Friday." "Five o'clock." "Your son is gonna be here any minute." "No, half past." "There's that after-school club thingy." "No." "Come on, Casanova, budge." "We've got bags of time." "I told you." "My little wounded soldier." "Yeah, right." "Hi, Jack." "How's your shoulder?" "(SIGHS) Oh, dear." "There must be an easier way than this." "I just haven't found it yet." "Make room for Princess Emily's bed, please." "Not now, Paulie." "Thank you." "Budge up a bit, Em." "There isn't room." "I said." "Right, OK, here." "You do it." "What?" "Oh, let's not start this again." "You're the one who went on and on about bathing Sally with her." "I thought she might enjoy it." "Christ, Tash!" "If we lived somewhere with a little more space." "Tash!" "Tash!" "No overnight bag or anything." "Never mind." "It's just the weekend." "Sleeping in his boxers and his smelly socks." "There you go, then, must be genetic." "Ho-ho-ho." "All right?" "You're..." "You're talking about me?" "Centre of my universe, who else would I be talking about?" "Yargh!" "Get off!" "Submit!" "PAUL:" "Argh!" "Natasha, a starving Brownie!" "Quick, food." "Sausage and mash, that do you?" "My favourite." "Oh, yeah, her favourite." "Never mind me." "We won't." "We won't." "Kel, I'm dying for a cocktail." "Do they do them there?" "I'm so old, I can remember when McMurphy's was a bank." "Barclays." "Well, just don't ask for a withdrawal." "Oh, no." "Right, get these lit." "Yeah." "Are you ready, girls?" "Are you ready?" "Nice walk?" "Mmm." "She slept right through." "(BABY CRIES) It's all right!" "Didn't last long." "What's wrong with her?" "Em?" "What's happened?" "Nothing." "She just screamed." "She just started screaming." "Let me see." "She's banged her head, look." "She just started screaming." "She's got a bruise." "What did you do to her?" "Nothing." "What did you do?" "Nothing." "This isn't nothing." "Did I ask you to take her out of the buggy?" "Did I?" "Get out!" "Take her out!" "I don't want her here!" "I mean it." "Take her home." "(DOORBELL AND KNOCKING) All right." "Hang on." "Sue?" "She's not in." "Are you Jack?" "No-one's in." "The baby's been hurt." "Will you tell her mum?" "Em, I'll call you tonight." "Em?" "Do you want some juice?" "No!" "A load of fuss about absolutely nothing." "Pneumatic Tits just can't bear to share you, can she?" "'Don't you remember what it was like to have a tiny baby?" "' No." "Funny that." "Something to do with my husband not wanting any more." "The baby is fine." "She's two weeks old and I change her nappies and cuddle her and everything." "Her name is Sally and I chose it." "I put baby perfume on her.# She smells lovely." "And baby jewellery." "And I'm getting a kitten." "Hi." "Any more trouble with those girls?" "What, the shoplifters?" "No, not today." "Good." "Right." "See you." "OK, see you." "Have you checked the changing room?" "Do you fancy him?" "Cos he fancies you." "God!" "Sex mad." "CAMERON:" "Oh!" "She's setting a terrible trap." "I'm gonna get you." "(CAMERON LAUGHS)" "There's no way out of this." "You're trapped." "Oh, you little tinker." "How do you fancy going for a drink?" "Tonight?" "Yeah." "Or a meal." "Or anything." "I can't." "OK." "I-I would." "No." "You're OK." "It's just a thought." "No, I would really, I'd love to." "But I have to collect Jack from football." "He's my son." "Just a thought." "Another night." "Another night." "See you then." "See you." "Haven't you ever heard of salad?" "Thanks, Jack." "That's nice of you, Jack." "No, what would have been nice would be you clearing out that pit of a room and putting your manky clothes in the washing machine." "That's right!" "You walk out!" "Just like your useless father!" "Don't you ever, ever do that again!" "Get off!" "You cow!" "You're going the right way for a good slapping!" "And who's gonna do that?" "My sad, old loser mum?" "That's right." "So sad she's got nothing better to do but tidy up after nasty, smelly little boys!" "Who hoovers this pit?" "Who has to move these disgusting things just so that she can pick up your manky knickers?" "Everyone's got them." "All my mates." "We..." "We swap them." "You..." "You have to..." "You know." "I don't even like them." "Mum?" "Oh, Jack." "You're such a bloke." "Don't turn into someone like your dad." "I thought you said I already was." "Well, just promise me that you won't pick up a woman when she's young and sexy and drop her when she isn't." "Shall I get some fish and chips?" "MAN:" "In you go, son." "(SLURRING) Mum!" "It's me." "I..." "Sorry." "All I did was go for a ride." "I couldn't get any sleep." "And I thought that if I got some fresh air..." "In the middle of the night?" "Anything could happen to you." "Like she cares." "She chucked me out." "Fabulous." "Great." "Lovely start to a new rel..." "Why the hell couldn't you just behave yourself?" "You can go in Dan Hunter's class for the day." "I can't even do my project." "She said I wasn't allowed to bring my computer." "That's a good sign." "Means she knows you're not gonna be away too long." "No." "She said it was full of porn and I'd get locked up if anyone else saw it." "And is it?" "Full of porn?" "Well, what do you think?" "Well done, Jack." "You've just lost yourself your computer." "You're just like her." "Just stay where you are." "Get off!" "Sorry, girls." "It's not porn." "It's just..." "It's just a few sites." "Like, blogs and that." "And all this riding around in the middle of the night." "Why?" "Where do you go?" "Nowhere." "See, the... the thing is..." "..when they caught me, the plods..." "..I was a bit drunk." "Oh." "This gets better." "It was only cider." "I don't care if it was bloody wine gums." "You're 14 years old." "A child." "And you're out." "On your own at three in the morning drunk?" "What the fuck does your mother think she's doing?" "Emily, are you all right?" "Emily!" "Lying there." "GIRL:" "What you found?" "Look." "Are you supposed to put that on your face?" "Yeah." "You're gonna look like some kind of fairy." "What is this?" "Sexy." "I know what this is." "For ladies." "When they get a headache, they put it up their bum." "You shouldn't be listening." "Whatever." "You can't just dump our kid on someone else indefinitely." "ANNE: 'Then grow up and get your own place.'" "Oh, let's not start all this again, eh?" "As usual, you're over-reacting." "Most lads get hooked on some bloody chat room or other and then they grow out of it." "'It's not just the porn." "It's the police, the tempers...'" "Look, you can't rob me blind every month and then just dump him on me as soon as it gets difficult." "'Who says?" "According to my solicitor...'" "Me paying your bloody mortgage says!" "And if I can just..." "Becca has to go home now." "Hang on." "I'm on the phone, Emily." "Becca's mum said she had to be home by four." "Jack!" "Take the girls back to Rebecca's!" "I don't know where she lives." "It's just across the park." "They'll show you." "Go on." "Sorry." "'You've not wasted any time.'" "What?" "'Already got him looking after her brat.'" "Look, if you can't cope," "I'll take him for a bit longer at the weekend, but..." "'Don't you butt in, Cameron, get used to the idea.'" "Listen to me, you mad bitch, it was you that insisted on residence!" "I'll tell you what, Anne." "I stop paying the mortgage as of today!" "Right?" "I'll start paying it again when you take him back!" "Oh, hanging around with those kids?" "What's it to do with you?" "You a perv?" "Fuck off." "My dad's shagging her mum." "Right." "Jack." "I know all about you." "You what?" "Into porn big time." "You wanker." "He's here." "Oh, go on." "You're single, free." "You're only 40, for God's sake." "38 if you don't mind." "How's it going?" "So is your lad footballing this weekend, then?" "Erm...no." "Well, um..." "He's with his dad, isn't he?" "Is he, then?" "(EXAGGERATED HEAVY BREATHING)" "Jack!" "(SHRIEKS)" "I looked round and you'd gone." "I was right in front of you." "Only, I saw this fat, old perv." "Great, big, fat old man." "All these warts." "He was..." "He was breathing heavily." "(BREATHES HEAVILY)" "He'll be one of them paedophiles." "He was looking through the bushes." "I heard him." "(TV ON)" "EMILY:" "Mummy!" "Mum!" "(EMILY CRYING) Hello?" "Mum." "What's wrong?" "Emily." "She just had a nightmare." "Where are the clean sheets?" "Oh, sweetheart." "Mummy, I had a bad dream." "All right, son?" "Baby." "Do you want a cuddle?" "Yes." "There, there, it's OK." "It's OK." "The head of department can't keep turning up late." "Come on, Em." "You have to get used to a bit of teasing." "Just like Cameron has to accept us, we have to accept Jack." "It's only fair." "What happens if Sally grows up and decides she doesn't like you?" "How would you like that?" "Going to stay with your dad with Sally whining about you all the time?" "Eh?" "It's not that bad actually, Emily." "Your life is pretty good if you did but realise it." "You might think you are mighty bollocks, but you frighten that kid once more and you are past tense." "I haven't fucking touched her." "I don't use that word with you, so you can drop it with me." "You're already into porno and God knows what." "Mum's just looking for an excuse." "She wants to chuck me out so she can get pissed every night with her mates." "Don't be ridiculous." "Every night, Dad." "She goes out and gets rat-arsed and then sits at the table crying." "I had to put her to bed one night." "Shit." "Why do you always drop your bloody bombshells when I'm driving?" "14-year-old putting his mother to bed." "No life for a teenage boy." "He has to come to us." "Full time." "That wasn't the deal when you took me on." "We'll add a codicil to the contract." "Come on, Cam." "It's what we've always said." "The kids mustn't suffer." "For all sorts of reasons, this marks a new start for all of us." "So, when do I get to see Mum, then?" "Weekends." "Weekdays." "Whenever." "We're all in the same town, son." "We're not enemies." "What about my kitten?" "I've got miles to go to school." "It's on the way to my work." "Not that far." "We're going to start doing things together, too." "Yeah, starting tomorrow." "Bowling?" "Girls versus boys?" "Tomorrow is Wednesday." "No Daddy this week, darling." "I did tell you." "Em OK about it?" "Fine." "How about Jack?" "(WHINING) It's so unfair." "I can't see my mates." "I can't do football, and I can't and I can't and I can't..." "No need to trample each other." "Emily." "There she is." "I missed you, pumpkin." "When will she wake up?" "Not for a bit, I hope." "There's some er... colouring stuff on the table, hon." "What are you doing?" "Um..." "The producer's playlist." "Sort of reading up on..." "Sort of homework really." "Trying to think of funny things to say." "CAMERON:" "Go on, Jack!" "Good lad." "If he does that shoulder again, his mother will kill me." "Don't worry, I won't let her." "Go on, Jack!" "Juice time do you think, Em?" "Em?" "Do you want some juice, hon?" "How's that baby?" "Emily?" "Emily, where are you?" "Emily?" "Where's the baby?" "Where's Sally?" "My baby!" "My baby, Paul!" "Where did you go with the baby?" "She's so tiny." "You're a walking liability." "You come into my house." "Oh, piss off." "What's gonna be the next bloody revelation?"