"So our 1:00 wants to sue his acupuncturist." "You know what's wrong with acupuncture?" "The word "puncture."" "How could you diss something that's been around for 5,000 years?" " Marcus!" " Speaking of which." "I need to talk to you right now, son." "Mama, we talked about you coming down here while we're working." "No, you talked about it." "Mama, look, I'm gonna put this up." " You see this right here?" " I don't see anything." "It's an invisible wall." " Oh, now I see it." " Thank you." "On one side is me at work." "On the other side, you bugging me at work." "But, Marcus, I just wanna..." "The wall is up, Mama." "I can't hear you." "Now... thud..." "I'm banging my head on the wall, Mama." "Ouch, mama!" "Ouch, mama." "You know, instead of wasting your money on an invisible wall, why don't you get somebody to fix this showerhead?" "It was set on "stream" and came out "Katrina."" "I got my hair wet." "Isn't that why you take a shower?" "He's white, Mama." "He don't know no better." "Better talk to him." "♪ Mama said she didn't raise no fool ♪" "♪ One mind apart is never stronger than two ♪" "♪ I'm about the life, about to come on strong ♪" "♪ Come on come on, come on, come on ♪" "♪ Whoa, yeah ♪" "♪ One mind apart is never stronger than two ♪" "♪ Whoa, yeah ♪" "♪ Mama said she didn't raise no fool. ♪" "Gin." "Whoo." "I can't believe that Lillian is gone." "The world is just a little bit sadder." "Child, that woman dug her own grave with a fork." "Bless her heart." "Oh, hell no." "Son?" "Hey, Mama." "We need you to be the fourth now that Lillian's dead." "She's dead, huh?" "What kind of bone did she choke on?" "Well, she slipped on a bread and butter pickle, hit her head on the countertop." "Mm-hmm, and she didn't have a living will so her kids just pulled the plug." "I get that." "We are just all one thin slice of pickle away from death." "Mm-hmm." "Marcus, how long have I been asking you to do my living will?" "Mama, you ask me to do a lot of things... flip your mattress, pick up your wig." "See how he's changing the subject?" "I'll end up like Lillian." "You know those no good kids of hers just abandoned her poor little dog, Miss Ross." " No." " Left him all alone in her apartment." "But that dog is nasty." "Bless its heart." "Marcus, can you go pick up Miss Ross from Lillian's apartment?" "Fine, Mama." "I'll take care of it." "Now y'all do me a favor." "Somebody crack a window in here." "It smells like girdle." "I went to that acupuncturist for dry mouth and now I've had an erection for two and a half weeks." "Well, where'd they put the needles?" "It's humiliating." "I'm a spin instructor." "I have to wear spandex." "Well, I could see how that could be a problem." "So, I'm gonna need the name of this acupuncturist." " Michael." " He's in a meeting." "He's almost... done." "Marcus, we need to talk." "Well, that would be fine if I actually got a chance to, Mama." "I need you to write me a will." "Mama, what do you need a will for?" "Everything in this building, I own." "You know, Tom, I'm just afraid it's not gonna stand up in court." "Uh, your case, I mean." "Uh, well, good luck." "Oh, Lizzie." "What are you doing here?" "Oh, hi, Lizzie, what's up?" "Oh, my God, this girl started choking in line at Starbucks." "It was horrible." "But thank God someone opened up another register." "And to what do we owe this unexpected pleasure?" "Oh, mom had to take her life coach back to rehab." "Isn't that something you two could've done together?" "Maybe you could have gotten a jumpstart on your application?" "Oh, sorry." "This might be an important text about a sale at Barney's." "Lizzie, when are you gonna do something other than go shopping?" "Think about the future." "Find a career you love, you'll never work a day in your life." "Mostly because that field would never hire someone like you." "You know, you're really getting that stepfather thing down." "Oh, you noticed that, did you?" "Yeah, I thought we had a real breakthrough." "Thinking of upgrading our relationship to "disaster."" "Marcus, I'm serious." "I don't want to end up like Lillian." "Her kids unplugged her like a waffle iron." "Marcus, are you doing Ruth's living will?" "You know, I did my mother's." "Of course, she didn't know about it." "It was really more like a letter to Santa." "See, he did his mother's." "Mama, I didn't say I wouldn't." "Honey, I could have a heart attack right now." "Or you're walking through the financial district, the economy tanks, suddenly it's raining futures traders and, splat, goodbye mama's futures." "Or a stack of sheet metal could fall from a construction site and, bam, spiral sliced like a honeybaked ham." "Or somebody, like, tweets a picture where her thighs look totally huge and everyone unfriends her and she's all alone so she totally kills herself." "You know, I'm not talking about this anymore." "You know, Marcus, if you're a little too close to the subject," "I'd be glad to help you out." "What do you mean, "too close"?" "What are you trying to say, I'm a mama's boy?" "No, I'm just saying that you're a grown man who's lived with his mama since he was a boy." "Honey, why don't you let him help you?" "He needed three people just to help him reload the stapler." "Back in my old office, we had a device known as "the girl."" "She could also mix an excellent scotch and soda." "Look, this is obviously too loaded an issue for you." "Let me do it." "I'm a lawyer." "I'm her son." "I can do it." "You can, but you won't." "I will when I do." "Then why not now?" "Because she's never gonna die." "Okay, maybe I could use your help." "And someone still has to pick up Miss Ross from Lillian's apartment." " Michael?" " I don't like dogs and dogs don't like me." "Would you rather stay here with Lizzie?" "You know in some countries they eat dogs." "That's how the chow got its name." "Word to the wise, go with the dog." "Okay, now, if I end up on life support, just keep me plugged in until if fit back into my wedding dress." "I'm not gonna write that down." "Marcus, this is your mother's advanced medical directive for her end-of-life care." "Do you have to say "end of life"?" " Okay, "untimely demise."" " No." ""Taking a dirt nap"?" "What would I say if I told you your mother was dying?" "Dibs on the lake house, drinks at 7:00." "We still haven't even discussed mechanical ventilation, hydration assistance, or resuscitation." "Come on, man." "She can hear you." "I'm sorry, he's just very sensitive." "It's probably because he was so tiny growing up." "Oh, they used to tease him something terrible." "Remember when Bernita Brumm zipped you up into her backpack?" "I bet you were adorable." "You know what?" "I changed my mind." "Pull the damn plug." "Oh, this must be Miss Ross." "It is." "Oh, Veronica, I don't know what I'm gonna do." "She's so sweet, we can't take her to the pound." "I was gonna keep her until we found her a home, but I'm deathly allergic." "Do you think maybe you could keep her?" "Nice try, but you're overacting." "Okay, fine." "She's not sweet." "She puts the "bitch" in bitch." "Hey." "All dogs have is their instincts." "She can sense that you don't like her." "Why should I like her?" "I think she still has one of her teeth in my hand." "Oh, yeah, she's ferocious." "Well, she wasn't very cordial to me." "Um, I think I see why." "Miss Ross isn't a bitch at all." "Miss Ross has junk." "Huh, I'm usually good at spotting junk." "Aw, no wonder he likes me." "All guys do." "So how's everything going with you and my mom?" "She got you drinking in the morning yet?" "Oh, no, it's actually been an enchanting week." "That's because she's not your mom." "She's great company." "She spins a terrific yarn and she's so generous." "You know, she's donating all her organs to science." "What organs?" "Well, maybe that's something she's more comfortable sharing with her attorney." "Like that young sailor she was engaged to before she met your dad." " What sailor?" " Oh, sorry." "Attorney-client privilege." " Ah, Ruth." " Ready to go?" "Yes, yes, your chariot awaits in the form of a high-performance German Motorcar." "Ooh." "Mama, why are you all dolled up?" "Well, I'm treating my lawyer to lunch for all his hard work." "If this is work, let it all be this hard." "Well, why don't I go with you?" "'Cause we're gonna be discussing some things that you're not comfortable with, remember?" "You know, I can't wait for you to taste that dover sole." "Oh, you know I got a craving for seafood." "Good, there's a box of Fish Sticks in the freezer about to expire." "Fine, Mama." "Y'all go to lunch." "I got my own lunch." "I love my Fish Sticks." "The best part about the Fish Stick is the stick." "A lot of people don't know that." "But you trippin', Mama." "You trippin'." "Since she'd been with the family for 30 years, rather than firing Consuela, my mother simply called Immigration, let nature take it course." "Oh, that is just wrong." "Well, I come from a long line of cold, detached people." "I think the only unconditional love I ever felt was from Lee Iacocca." " My box turtle." " Oh." "Died when I was nine." "His little tank light worked fine." "I think it was the lack of warmth in the family that killed him." "Well, we are not like that." "We hug each other going from room to room." "Not us." "I don't believe I remember my mother ever hugging me." "One time, I was choking, she asked the butler to give me the Heimlich." "In her defense, she'd just had her nails done, so..." "Well, I'm sure she loved you in her own way." "When I was six, she told me that I made a perfect Manhattan." "Oh, see?" "That's something." "And that is not an easy drink to make." "Yes, thank you, thank you." "You know, Allen, after growing up in a family like that," "I think you turned out just fine." "If you were my son, I would be very proud." "I've had it with this dog." "His bladder is shot." "I haven't been peed on like that since college." "Sorry, you have a new dog." "What is that?" "Your new bestie, if you're lucky." " He needs a temporary home." " Ugh, no." "But it's a service dog." "It gets you VIP access to places you wouldn't normally get to go to, like early entrance to the Barney's Warehouse Sale." "Keep talking." "And 20 bucks a day until we find it a permanent home." "I can get money from Allen any time I need it." "Then what do you want?" "How well can you forge Allen's signature?" "Better than he can." "Fine." "Sign it on the bottom of that blank piece of paper." "What are you gonna use it for?" "I'm gonna create a system of accessibility that will allow me to..." "You know what?" "Never mind." "Plausible deniability." "Smart boy." "Mark my words, one day you'll be the mayor of Chicago." "Why aren't Allen and mama back yet?" "Something's going on." "What are you talking about?" "They've been back for over an hour." "Yeah, they came in all laughing and tipsy and went upstairs." "Oh." "It's on." "Are you sure you're up for this?" "Are you kidding?" "I've been doing this since you were in diapers." "Wow, you are in great shape." "And you are so strong." "Nice and easy." "I just wanna make sure it's in right." " Aw yeah." " Hell, no." "Hell, no." "What the hell you think you're doing?" "Flipping the mattress." "Yeah, that's what it looks like you're doing." "Go on back to doing what you're doing." "Make sure y'all flip that mattress right." "So you just ate the last donut?" "So what if I did?" "You're just helping yourself to everything around here, aren't you?" "What's that supposed to mean?" "Ah, private joke between me and me." "When the two of you finish laughing, would you mind signing this durable power of attorney for your mom?" "What does that have to do with her living will?" "I'm doing her whole estate plan." "So you're her healthcare proxy?" " Obviously she trusts me." " She trusts me, I'm her son." "My God, you're jealous." "Isn't that cute?" "I'm not jealous." "You're the one that's jealous." "Yeah, all right fine, fine." "Listen, I'm not doing this." "I'll take this upstairs and have Ruth sign it." "Oh, no." "I'll take it to my mother." "No, no, just a second." "This is my client." " It's my mother." " I'll take it to her." "All right, fine, fine." "You be the messenger." "It's not gonna change her decision." "It means my hand's free to deliver this to her." " Is that my mother's hair?" " Yep, I picked it up." "Why are you rubbing your fingers through my mother's hair?" "I'm gonna be bringing it to her." "What's so funny?" "That's not mama's hair." "That's Lillian's." "Yeah, it was supposed to go to the funeral home." "Classic misdirect, Counselor." "You son of a..." "Get back here with that wig!" "Ruth, Ruth, I got your wig!" "Allen, what are you doing with mama's church hair?" "What in God's name is going on?" "Isn't that your good wig?" "I always thought that was a hat." "Well, it used to be my "Etta James."" "Now it's my "Rick James."" "What the hell happened?" "Yeah, Mama, you can't trust him with nothin'." "But don't worry, I'll get you another one, all right?" "Oh, yeah?" "Well, I'll get you two new ones with real hair, not synthetic, and open cap construction for breathability." "What?" "I represented an Orthodox Jew who developed a scalp fungus." "Look, he got you all tense." "Don't worry, Mama, I'll rub your shoulders, okay?" "Boy, would you just leave me alone?" "We are trying to play cards here." "Well, maybe I could make some snacks for you and the ladies." "Or I could make my famous Pupusas with a light tomatillo sauce." "What?" "I used to spend Christmas in San Salvador with Consuela." "I also learned crop rotation." "Nobody cares." "Now I'm about to make mama's favorite snack, which I know and you don't." "Oh, you mean the mini broccoli quiches with a dollop of lowfat sour cream?" "Mama, you told him?" "I finally got a hand here." "Do you wanna yak or play cards?" "Yeah, what are you two doing up here anyway?" "Well, I don't know what he's doing here, but I'm here on business." "I need you to sign this important document." "Oh, oh, Mama, you gave him daddy's favorite pen?" "The one when you turn the bikini falls off?" "You said the pen was silly and you didn't want to use it." "I said it was silly of me not to use it, Mama." "Yes, well, it's mine now." "Mama gave it to me." " Who you callin' "mama"?" " Don't you take that..." "Hey!" "Hey!" "Now, look, I don't know what's going on with the two of you, but take it somewhere else." "Get." "It's so over." "This thing humped a mink coat..." "On a lady... at Barney's." "Gas it." "You can't put down Miss Lillian's dog." "You were supposed to take care of it." "It's one of God's creatures." "No, that's one of Satan's soldiers." "Face it, this walking hairball will never find a home." "Not looking like that." "You know what?" "Give me half an hour." "I will make it so that everyone will want him." "Oh, my God, she's beautiful." "He's beautiful." "Maybe you guys were wrong about him." "Maybe he was just mean 'cause he was ugly." "Maybe he's a great dog to be around." "Ugh." "God, talk about gassing." "Oh, my God, my mouth was open." "Get him out of here." "Oh, come on, Miss Ross." "I'm gonna take you to a shelter now that I know you can find a home." "These people belong to the inhumane society." "Well, I hope you're happy." "You've upset your mother." "Down here is our business." "Up there is my business." "Your mother likes me." "Deal with it." "Don't try to latch onto my family just because your family don't give a damn about you." "I'm sorry." "That was too far." "No, you're right." "I crossed the line." "I'll see you tomorrow." "You do see I'm intentionally walking slowly?" " Okay, wait." " Fine, if you insist." "I appreciate everything you did for me." " Helping Ruth?" " No, helping me because you knew I couldn't deal with the thought of losing my mother." "Yeah, well, enjoy her while she's still here." "You know, I had a lot of things growing up." "A loving family wasn't one of them." "Yeah, well, I'm a lucky man." "Yes, you are." "And your father's dead." "I wish I had that." "Thanks for doing all the work." "It's my pleasure." "I'll bill you tomorrow." " Are you serious?" " She's not my mother." "Mission accomplished." "You'll all be happy to know Miss Ross has a home now." " Thank God." " It's not here." "I think that smell is stuck in my nose forever." "Well, the woman at the shelter was very grateful." "Grateful?" "For that thing?" " For the dog and the money." " What money?" "There was a letter from Miss Lillian's Lawyer in that little bag." "She left money for whoever ended up taking care of Miss Ross." "How much?" "$25,000." "I loved that dog." "We were emotionally connected." "He was like the child I never had." " We've gotta get him back." " I'll go." "Back off, twinkie, he's mine."