"(I Love Lucy theme music plays)" "(theme song ending)" "(miming)" "(miming)" "(miming)" "Hi, honey." "Hey, did you see this evening's paper?" "Listen to this." "Uh, "The indisputed star" ""of a great evening entertainment," ""the genius of the conga drum" ""who, as usual, stopped the show last night" ""with his rendition of 'Babalu.'" "Ricky Ricardo."" "Couldn't have been better if I wrote it myself." "How about that?" "(miming)" "(Spits)" "Lucy... what are you doing?" "I'm writing a play." "You're writing a what?" "A play" "And there it is... finished." "125 pages dripping with drama, dripping with intrigue, dripping with excitement!" "I'd better get the mop." "Never mind." "I wonder if Ethel's ready with her costume." "(stomping rhythm of "Shave and a Haircut")" "(pounding "Two Bits")" "Good." "Oh, I wonder what she looks like." "Uh, excuse me, Mrs. Shakespeare, but, um... would you mind telling me what this is all about?" "Well, you see, all the women's clubs in town are having a big playwriting contest." "I knew it, I knew it." "This had to do with the Wednesday Afternoon Fang and Claw Society." "It's the Wednesday Afternoon Fine Arts League." "Gee, just think, if our play wins" "I might become a big, famous playwright." "I might become another Tennessee Ernie." "That's Tennessee Williams." "Oh." "You know, that's a very interesting name" " Tennessee." "I wonder what I should call myself." "How about "South Dakota Ricardo"?" "No, it's not so good, is it?" "Why don't you tell them you were born in Providence?" "Then they can call you "Rhode Island Red."" "Stop." "Incidentally, how do you happen to be the one who's writing this play?" "How do you think?" "You're the only one that has a typewriter?" "No, smarty." "I happen to be very close to the star who's going to play the lead." "Oh?" "Anyone I know?" "Well, I-l can't reveal his name." "I'm saving it for publicity." "Uh-huh." "Uh, this, uh... this, uh, star that is going to play the lead, his initials aren't "Ricky Ricardo," are they?" "Oh, don't be ridiculous." "Ha!" "You flatter yourself." "ETHEL:" "♪ Da, da, da, da-da... ♪" "(humming "Habanera" from Carmen)" "♪ Da-da, da, da, da. ♪" "Could I help you, madam?" "That's Ethel." "(yells)" "Ay-ay-ay-ay-ay." "How do you like my costume?" "It's just wonderful, Ethel." "Who are you supposed to be?" "Well, what do you think?" "The Bride of Frankenstein?" "Well!" "She's a Spanish senora." "She suffers in the translation." "Oh..." "Are you ready for rehearsal?" "Rehearsal?" "You mean you finished the whole play since dinner?" "It's only been two hours." " Uh-huh." "Well, that's nothing for a famous playwright like "Rhode Island Red."" "Huh?" "Oh, he means me." "Pay no attention to him." "What did it turn out to be a comedy, a drama or an epic?" "She wasn't sure when she started." "Oh." "A drama." "Light or heavy?" "Well, about medium, I think." "Well, that does it." "Let me know when rehearsal is over." "Oh, Ricky, wait a minute." "I thought maybe that you'd help us out by reading the man's part." "Well, honey, if I'm not going to be in it, what good would that do?" "Well, uh..." "Oh, please, Ricky, won't you do it for me... and "Rhode Island Red"?" "Well, all right." "If you put it that way, I will." " Good." " What is it all about?" "Well, it's a tender, moving, heart-rending story of a Cuban tobacco picker and his love for the plantation owner's daughter." "Wait a minute." "This play is all about a Cuban tobacco picker?" "Yes, but don't worry-- you're not going to be in it." "Now, you go out in the kitchen and wait for your entrance cue." "Now, go on." "Go on." "All right." "Now, remember, Ethel," "I am a gorgeous, dark-eyed beauty, and you're my fat, ugly, old crone of a mother." "Fat?" "Yes." "Well, it'll take a lot of acting, but I guess I can do it." "All right." "Now, as the scene opens, you're sitting outside your hacienda, and you're rocking back and forth on your veranda." "Now, you're seated there." "You're rocking back and forth and you're singing, and I come out of my hacienda." "(screeching to the tune of the "Habanera")" "♪ La, la, Ia, la-la, la, la, la... ♪" "(voice deepens)" "How long do I keep singing?" "Till I make my entrance." "(screeching): ♪ La, la, la, la-la, la, la I" "♪ La-la, la, la, la-la, la, la, la... ♪" "(voice deepens)" "Como esta, Mamasita?" ""My bean, Lukita."" ""My bean, Lukita."" "That's "Muy bien, Lucita."" "Oh." ""Muy bien, Lucita."" "Yeah." "Mamasita, how you like me in my new dress?" ""You look very pretty, Lucita." ""Your hair is shining, your eyes are bright and your nose is continued on the next page."" "You don't read that-- that's the directions." "Well, how can I tell?" "It's all run together." "Well, I typed it in a big hurry," "Now, go on..." "and read it with an accent." "This is in Spanish." "Oh." ""Why are you all dressed up, Lucita?"" "Because I think I go for a walk through the mango trees." ""That's nice?"" "(nasally):" ""That's nice?" "That's nice?"" " What's the matter?" " That's not a question!" "Well, there's a question mark here." "There is not." "Look." "Oh." "Well, there shouldn't be." "You ought to know that." "How should I ought to know that?" "Well, go on, go on." ""That's nice." "Do you go alone?"" "Si, I go alone." ""Eh, eh, eh!" "I think you go there to meet your liver."" "Lover!" ""L think you go there to meet your lover," ""that worthless, good-for-nothing tobacco picker." ""How can you even look at him-- you, the plantation owner's daughter?"" "Shush, Mamasita, here he comes now." "(louder):" "Shush, Mamasita, here he comes now." "Ricky, that's your cue!" "Oh." "(chewing)" "(muffled):" "Senora y senorita, buenas noches." "Como estan?" "What are you doing with a sandwich?" "I didn't write that into the script." "Well, I got so hungry waiting for my cue, I ad-libbed it." "Well, swallow and come on." "All right." "Uh... "Buenas noches, senora y senorita." "Como estan?"" "Como esta, mi amor?" "'y;" "Como esta, you big bum."" "Oh, you pay no attention to Mama, Fernando." "She no feel well." "Now you kneel." "I kneel." "All right." "Uh..." ""I am sorry to hear you don't feel well, Mamasita." "Are you having trouble with your lover?"" "Liver!" ""Are you having trouble with your liver?"" ""No, I am not, Fernando." ""L am feeling not well" ""because you are in love with my daughter," ""but you have no way to make money to support her, do you?"" ""No, I dun-L." "No, Mama, he "dun't."" "Now, wait a minute, Wait a minute." "Wh-What's the idea of making fun of me in this play?" "Fun oi you?" "Yeah." "Look at the way you got "don't" spelled:" "D-U-N-T." "Well, that's a typographical error." "Yeah?" "Yeah, now go on." "All right." ""Someday" ""I will be a big man, senora." "I am learning how to play the conga drum."" "Oh, yes, Mama, he make nice music on the drum." "Lots of noise, Mama, yes." "Mm-hmm." ""Someday I will become famous" ""by singing a song called..." "'Babalu"'?" "LUCY:" "Uh, it's a very nice song, Mama." "♪ Babalu!" "Babalul ♪" "Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute." "Who is this Cuban tobacco picker who plays the conga drums and sings "Babalu"?" "Guess." "Sir Cedric Hardwicke?" "No." "John Charles Thomas?" "No." "Lassie?" "All right, Ricky." "I wrote the whole thing with you in mind." "No!" "Well, I thought when you read it, and you found out what a good part it was, you'd want to be in it." "Well, Lucy, I realize that this part will make Laurence Olivier hop on the next boat, but, uh... thanks just the same." "But Ricky, you've got to do it." "Why?" "Well, because..." "Because that's the only reason they let Lucy write the play. (gasps)" "Lucy!" "You mean, you were just using me to further your own selfish purposes?" "For shame!" "LUCY:" "But, Ricky..." "I am sorry, I am not interested." "Get yourself a new boy." "Good-bye." "Ricky Ricardo, you'll regret this!" "Well, I'm pretty sure that I will, but, uh, I'm sorry, Mrs. Playwright." "Thanks for thinking of me." "I will always treasure this original carbon copy of your masterpiece... forever." "Oh..." "Oh, Lucy, I'm sorry I had to open my big, fat mouth." "Well, don't you worry, Ethel." "There's a lot of actors in this town that'll jump at the chance, and I'm going to call them right now." "Uh-huh?" "Yes." "Well, yes, yes, it's an original play for a woman's club." "Oh, yes, you'll be the star." "How's that?" "Oh, no, we can't pay you anything." "Well, you see, our club..." "Hello?" "Hello?" "Hello!" "Oh..." "Good morning, Lucy." "How you doing?" "Oh, awful." "Actors are certainly peculiar." "They won't work unless you pay them." " Well, look, Lucy," " Hmm?" "As long as you haven't found anyone to play the part," "I know someone who'll do it." "Really?" "ls he the right type?" "Oh, sure." "He's a real Latin lover." "I'll bring him in." "Oh!" "Introducing Fernando." "Tah-dah!" "(humming "Toreador Song" from Carmen)" "♪ Ya, dya-da, dya, dya, dya-da, dya-da, da. ♪" "(snorts)" "Oh, Ethel, why do you always foist Fred on me?" "Foist?" "Yes, foist." "You're some Latin lover." "Well, I took Latin in high school." "Amo, amas, amat, amamus, amatis, amant." "What's the matter with that?" "But this is Spanish." "Do you know how to speak Spanish?" "Bonus nokas, sinura." "There, he sounds just like Ricky." "Yeah, he sounds like Ricky speaking English." "Well, maybe he doesn't look the part, and maybe he can't speak Spanish, but you'll have to admit there's one thing in his favor." "What?" "He's willing to do it." "Oh, what a spot to be in." "You know who's going to judge these plays?" "A big movie producer, Darryl B. Mayer." "What a chance to be seen." "Yeah, and I'm stuck with Fat Freddy, the Latin lover." "Oh, now, wait a minute, Lucy." "Give us a break." "Why, I'll go on a diet." "Well, that isn't the only thing, Fred." "The important thing is the way you sound." "Can you speak any other language?" "Say, he can do British." "He can?" "(imitating accent):" "Well, rather, old thing." "I'll put you through to my secretary." "Cheerio!" "Pip-pip!" "And all that silly sort of rot." "Hey, that isn't bad." "How about you, Ethel?" "(with British accent):" "Oh, definitely, darling." "Right-o, old bean." "Good show, Deborah." "Thank you." "Ha-ha!" "That's wonderful." "How about you, Lucy?" "Uh, let's see now." "Uh... afternoon, Mater." "Pater won't be down for tea." "We just buried him." "Had to-- dead, you know." "(all laughing)" "Oh, this is great!" "I'll switch the whole thing to England." "Right-o?" "Right-o!" "Right-o!" "Pip-pip, cheerio, here we go." "(fanfare playing)" "(with British accent):" "Well, there you are." "(chuckles)" "Good morning, ladies." "Would you pour me a spot of tea, my dear louse?" "Louse?" "Oh... "My dear Louise."" "Hiya, Fred." "Hi." "I just came down to see if you want to go to the fights." "You know, Lucy is going to be in that stupid play." "I can't make it, Rick." "Why not?" "Well, I'm going to be in the stupid play, too." "You are going to...?" "(laughing uncontrollably)" "(imitating Ricky's laughter)" "You mean to tell me you let them make a boob out of you?" "(laughing)" "All right, go ahead and laugh." "Just wait till Darryl B. Mayer gets a gander at my performance." "Darryl B. Mayer?" "Yeah." "What does he want with a corny contest like that?" "He's just going to judge the whole thing, that's all." "Hollywood, here I come." "(laughing)" "Darryl B. Mayer!" "Where you get an idea like that?" "Well, it's in the morning paper." "Here." "It is?" "Take a look at it yourself." "Uh..." "Fred... old chum... old pal... old buddy..." "Yeah?" "We've been friends for a long time." "Yeah." "Well, I'm not going to let them do this to you." "You're not?" "No, sir." "Old chum... old pal..." "Old buddy." "I'm not going to let them make a boob out of you." "You're not?" "No, sir." "I'm going to let them make a boob out of me." "And incidentally, let Mayer make a star out of you." "Fred, you hurt me when you say things like that." "You don't realize what a tremendous sacrifice I'm making." "You know, these-these women club plays are terrible, and Lucy's would be worse than any of them." "Now, if Mayer sees you in a flop..." "(snaps fingers) -you're finished." "You know, I hadn't thought of that." "I guess you're right." "Of course I'm right." " When is the play, tonight?" " Yeah." "Well, I'd better go upstairs and rehearse my part, eh?" "Well, here, take this." "No, no, I-l have my own script, but listen, don't say anything to Lucy, eh?" "I want to surprise her, see?" "I don't, uh..." "I don't want her to think that I'm trying to get into her play." "Oh, then you are trying to get into it." "Now, wait a minute..." "All right, Rick... old pal... old chum... old buddy," "I'm not going to let you do it." "Why not?" "Because the play is going to be a flop-- you said so yourself-- and you can't afford to be in a flop." "Well, Fred, you seem to forget one little thing that makes it different." "Oh, what's that?" "With me in it, how can it possibly be a flop?" "Yeah, I did forget that." " Adios." " Adios." "(applause)" "You have just seen Mrs. Glazingham's play entitled Pearl One, Drop Two or Much Ado about Knitting." "(laughing)" "Isn't that a dear title?" "(laughing)" "Knitting..." "I-l think..." "Oh, well, anyway, um... (clears throat)" "That brings us to the Wednesday Afternoon Fine Arts entry in our contest." "It was written by Mrs. Ricky Ricardo and is entitled The Perils of Pamela." "Take it away, Wednesday Afternoon Fine Arts League." "(applause)" "A pip-pip and toodle-oo." "I wonder what could be keeping my daughter Pamela." "She should have been here a fortnight ago." "(cowbell rings)" "Ah, there's dear old Pam now." "(thumping)" "(banging)" "Oh... oh, I must have been jolly well mistaken." "There's obviously no one there." "Ah, here she comes now." "She's coming up the walk." "She must have had terrible trouble tethering her 'orse." "(play audience applauding)" "Psst!" "Oh, daughter!" "How you startled me!" "Afternoon, Mater." "Afternoon, daughter." "Well, I don't mind telling you, Mater, I've 'ad it." "Why, whatever do you mean, Pamela?" "All morning long I was riding the hounds and frankly, I'm pooped." "Tired from riding the 'ounds?" "Yes, and I do believe that tomorrow I'll try riding one of the 'orses." "Pamela, what you need is a spot of tea." "Right-o, Mater." "That's it, a spot of tea." "Thank you very much." "There you are." "Thank you." "May I have some sugar?" "Thank you." "May I have some milk?" "Thank you." "May I have a needle and thread?" "Whatever for?" "I have a nasty tear in my tea bag." "Pamela..." "I've been wanting to talk to you." "What's the mater, Matter?" "Uh, what's the matter, Mater?" "It's about this Reggie you've been going with." "Oh!" "Not another word, Mater." "I love the lad." "That's all that matters, Mater." "Well, we'll take this up with Pater later." "Mater!" "Now, Pamela." "Oh, here comes Reggie now." "Buenas noches, senora y senorita." "Como estan?" "LUCY:" "Ricky!" "Uh, uh..." "R-R-Reggie!" "What happened?" "Uh..." "Oh, I know, Mater." "You do?" "Yes, Reggie's all dressed up for the king's birthday ball." "(chuckling):" "Oh-ho-ho!" "Good show!" "Yes, good show." "MAN IN AUDIENCE:" "I think it stinks." "Uh... uh, Reggie, what you need is a spot of tea and a crumpet." "Si, Mamasita." "Si, Mamasita." "I'm sorry you're not feeling well." "Are you having trouble with your liver?" "Um..." "What now?" "There will be a short intermission." "(mouthing words)" "I don't know." "What's happen...?" "Ricky, what's the matter with you?" "I never was so humiliated in my life." "What are you trying to do, ruin my whole play?" "Yeah, what are you trying to do?" "No, no, honest, I was trying to be good." "I just wanted to surprise you." "What happened?" "'What happened?" You're doing the wrong script." "We switched to British." "This is the one we're doing." "Oh, well, what are we going to do?" "Well, we'll just have to change so that we're all doing the same thing." "Oh, all right, all right." "Oh, Lucy..." "What's happened?" "What shall I tell the audience?" "Well, tell them that we're going to change costumes and we're going back to the original version," "A Tree Grows in Havana." "Oh, I hope I don't get my "cheerios" mixed up with my "como estas. "" "You won't." "Come on." "Oh, what shall we do?" "Well, entertain them, Miss Mitchell." "Entertain them." "Me?" "!" "Sure, go ahead." "Oh, all right." "I just happened to bring a poem." ""By the shores of Gitche Gumee," ""By the shining big-sea-water" ""Stood the wigwam of Nokomis." ""Daughter of the moon, Nokomis." ""Dark behind it rose the forest" ""Rose the black and gloomy pine trees," ""Rose the firs with cones upon them," "Rose the..."" "We will continue with A Tree Grows in Havana." "♪ La, la, la, la-la, la, la ♪" "(voice deepens):" "♪ La-la, la, la... ♪" ",5 Como esta, Mamasita?" "Muy bien, Lucita." "How you like my dress, Mamasita?" "It is very pretty, but why are you all dressed up for?" "Because I go for a walk through the mango trees." "Do you go alone?" "Si, I go alone." "Eh, eh, eh!" "I think you go there to meet your lover, Fernando, that good-for-nothing, worthless tobacco picker." "Shush, Mamasita, here he comes now." "Chip-chip, heerio, and all that sort of thing." "Anyone for tennis?" "Oh, no." "Oh!" "What happened?" "Oh..." "(I Love Lucy theme music plays)" "ANNOUNCER:" "The part of the club woman was played by Myra Marsh." "The part: of the stage manager was played by Maury Thompson." "I Love Lucy is a Desilu production."