"Greetings, boys and ghouls." "I'll be with you as soon as I finish with this customer." "we were just going over some of the terms of his coverage." "I'll bet this is one clause he won't be getting out of." "Tonight's nasty nugget concerns a man with a problem." "He wants to collect on his life insurance... without dying in the process." "I call this little annuity, Te Trap." "what the fuck is wrong with you?" "Clean up this fucking mess." "what are you doing home so early?" "I got canned." "Canned?" "Canned?" "Yeah." "I got canned." " You got something to say about that?" " No, I mean..." "You only had that job for a week." "It was just delivering pizzas." "I don't see how you could've possibly gotten fired" "Is the red level in the north, south, east, or west wing... of the Putzco Office Towers?" " Let go!" "I don't know!" " well, I don't either!" "That's where I parked." "It took me 20 minutes to deliver the pizza... four-and-a-half hours to find the fucking car." "I still don't know where it is." "Not that it matters." "I couldn't bail it out, anyway." "well, what are we gonna do?" "we owe so much money on the bills." "Christ, Irene!" "Don't you think I know that?" "Maybe I could get a job." "I could always be a manicurist at Betty's Beauty Bar." "Forget it!" "No wife of Lou Paloma is going to go out and work." " But Lou..." " Forget it!" "I can handle it, Irene." "We make bill collectors leave you alone." "That's leave you" "I swear, baby." "I'll get us out of this." "I got plenty of dreams left." "I know." "I'm just afraid, Lou." "I mean, the bank has been calling about the house... and the credit card companies have been calling... the ones that haven't been cancelled, I mean." " Irene..." " I know." "You'll take care of it." "You've been saying that ever since I ever met you." "I used to believe in your dreams, Lou... but I'm worried now, I really am." "I don't know how much more of this I can take." "Irene, I will get another job!" "If worst comes to worst, I'll borrow more money from my mother." "Lou, I don't think she has any more money to give." "well then, we'll borrow from your mother." " My mother's dead, Lou." " Okay." "Okay, I'll handle it." " Hello." " Sweetheart, Neffhere." " Yes, Mr. Neff." " We didn't get your payment." "Yes." "I know we're behind on that." "What are we supposed to do about that?" "Lou assures me that he's written the check and he's... throwing it in the air." "He's crossed it..." "He put it in a box..." " He mailed it to you!" " Just put Lou on the phone." " Get me your husband." " Right..." "Yes." "Sister, we got some big problems, see?" "Lou, this is bad." "He said that they're gonna cancel your life insurance policy... if he doesn't get a payment from you." "Hello?" "Hello, Mr. Neff." "Lou Paloma here." " So, are you going to pay or what?" " Yeah, I'm gonna pay you." " I'm not so sure, see." " Haven't I always?" "Why don't you get a job, you bum!" "You can't talk to me like that." "This is Lou Paloma you're talking to." " You can't talk to me like that." " Yeah?" " Listen, we own you, mister." " Yeah?" "well blow me, pal." "Scumbag." "Jesus, you give them money your whole life... and the one time you really need it..." "You're not thinking of cashing in that policy, are you?" "That's the only security we have if anything were to happen to you." "what if we could get the same security, only I don't have to die?" "Maybe we could even get our asses out of debt." "Hell, maybe we could even live a little." "But, Lou..." " Hello." "Morgue." " Hello, Billy." "It's me." "Yeah, you weren't doing nothing tonight, right?" "Good. 'Cause you're coming over." "I'm real busy." "Busy?" "What could you be doing that's so important?" "You haven't had a date in 10 years, what are you doing... dancing with the stiffs down there, or what?" "I'm doing my job, Lou." "You're coming over, huh?" "Come on, Lou. why?" "Because I'm your big brother, and I said so, that's why." "Get your ass over here." "what do you need william in on this for?" "Lou, what are you thinking?" "I just want to talk to him, that's all." "I got a feeling we're gonna need the services of a coroner." "Really Lou, I've got a ton of work to do tonight." "Yeah, Billy, I know how busy you are." "But let's remember one thing:" "I'm your brother." "Family comes first." "Hello, william." "Hello, Irene." "what do you want, Lou?" "what do I want?" "I want to be dead." " Dead?" " Dead." "what I mean is, I want everyone to think I'm dead." "My insurance company, in particular." "I got a $250,000 life insurance policy here... with a double indemnity clause that makes me worth... $500,000, dead." "And you want me to help you with this?" "I can't do that, Lou." "I'm a public official." "You're my brother." "That comes first." "Are you out of your mind?" "what you're asking us to do is fraud." "I mean, we could all go to jail for this." "Christ, I'm talking $500,000 here." "Billy, I'll cut you in on the action." " Lou, I can't do it." " You can't?" "All you got to do is pronounce me dead, say I was murdered." "You're the coroner." "They'll believe you, what's the big fucking deal?" " Lou, it's out of the question." " It's not a question, Billy." "If you don't help me, I'll tell Ma you ripped off her retirement money." "But I took out that money for you." "I never saw any of it." "That's what I'll say." "Besides, you're the one that manages it for her." "She'll wanna know why is your name on all the withdrawal slips." "Jesus, Lou, how low can you go?" "As low as I have to, baby." "Hey, I'm doing this for you." "I want to get you out of this dump." "Picture me and you on a beach in Rio." "I can get you that Cuisinart you always wanted." "Isn't that what you deserve?" "Yes, but I don't want to have to commit a crime to get it." "You both better get used to the idea, 'cause we're doing it." "Lou, if this is gonna work, you gotta stop scratching yourself." "I'm trying, but I itch!" "Great." "That's what we're going to tell the police when they get here." ""Yes, Officer, he is dead but he just can't stop scratching himself. "" "And you know what, you gotta breathe shallow." "I could see you breathing from all the way across the room." "I got rid of everything." "I don't think it'll be traced." "I don't know, I'm not a burglar." "How's my makeup?" "It's not right." "It's too white." " It needs to look more ashen." " well, that's just great." "I told her, I'm supposed to look like I'm dead... not like I work for Barnum and fucking Bailey." "Jeez." " This is crazy, this is never gonna work." " It'll be okay, Irene." "when the police come, I'll take over." "All you have to do is remember the story." "You came home and you found Lou." "As he was dying... he told you he walked in on a burglar." "They struggled and the burglar stabbed him." "You called me because I'm your brother-in-law... and because I'm a doctor." "I came over here and I called the police." "And then what happens?" "I don't know." "we'll drive off that bridge when we come to it." "I would've stood up for you before, about your mother's money, I mean." "It wouldn't have mattered much." "She's always loved Lou best." "This is all fucked up, I mean this is..." "Billy, look." "Listen, this is fuck..." "This is..." "You're not gonna let them see my face, are you?" "I'll try and keep them away from you, but I can't promise you anything." "They're cops." "It's their job to look at your face." "Yes, there would be good." "Irene, I need some more light, please." " what the hell is that?" " You've been stabbed." "The knife went in, the knife went out." "There'd be bits of bone and muscle and lung." "Christ, it's disgusting!" " will you just dump it?" " Lou, please, I've got to get this right." "A fatal chest wound, like the kind you've received, would gush." "That's what I have to tell them happened, and then they have to buy it." "Okay, okay." "I just didn't think it was gonna be such a fucking mess." "Stay still." "Now, where would the burglar have left the murder weapon?" " I don't know." "By the door, maybe." " Careful, Irene." "Fingerprints." "For crying out loud, he threw the thing." "Let's get this show on the road!" " Lou, stop scratching yourself." " I can't help it." "They itch." "This ain't gonna work." "I got to be unconscious." "Hey, Irene... come over here and give me a little shot upside the head." "I can't do that." "Come on, a free shot, baby." "A payback for all the times I slapped you around." "No, Lou, please." "You know I didn't come home last month, I said I was doing that security thing?" "Yeah?" "I was balling Betty Leroux in the back room of the Beauty Bar." "My best friend?" "Yeah, your best friend." "I must've fucked her for..." "Irene, that's really weak, especially when you consider how may times I..." "And then I went down on her." "Shut up, God damn it." " Billy!" " I hate the way he treats you." "Oh, my God." "I think I've killed him." "No." "He's alive." "I'm scared, william." "I'm scared to death." "Everything will be just fine, Irene." "Everything." "Hello." "I'd like to report a murder." "I got here exactly 32 minutes ago." "Mrs. Paloma, I know this is hard for you... but I have to know what your husband said to you before he died." "Did he describe the man who did this to him?" " No." "He just said that he loved me." " I'm sorry, ma'am." "Jesus, Doc, this must be rough for you, too, huh?" "Your own brother." "Lou and I talked just this morning." "He had so many plans." "Yeah, I know it's rough." "why don't we get someone else in here to take care of this?" "No, I'd rather do it myself, for Lou." "You're a pro, Doc." "I'll get the scumbag who did this, Doc, and that's a promise." "Come on, let's get this body out of here." "wait a minute. what's this?" "Didn't Lou say he got hit with a fireplace poker?" "Yes." "He said that he loved me... and that he got hit with a fireplace poker." "And then he died." "Sergeant, my brother is dead." "what difference does it make if the S. O. B. who did this... hit him over the head a few times?" "For all we know, Doc, your brother might have used this on the perpetrator." "I want to have a look at the body, see if he's got any wounds on him." "Looks like this could've caused them." "I already examined the body." "I think I'd have noticed that." "But you may be onto something." "So why don't I type the blood on this thing and see what turns up." "Fine." "You do that, Doc." "I'll tell you what..." "I'll go make my report." "You call me in the morning, okay?" "Fine." "So far, we're coming up dry." "Nobody saw this guy go into the house." "Nobody saw him leave the house." "He hasn't tried to sell any of the stolen goods locally." "To tell you the truth, I think we're dealing with a pro." "Thank you, Sergeant." "My poor Lou." "what have they done to you?" "what have they done?" "Ma, try and control yourself, please." "Don't tell me to control myself!" "who killed my baby?" "My precious Lou." "Let go of me!" "I want to be with my son." " Ma, I'm your son, too." " Don't rub it in." " Oh, Lou." " Mother Paloma." "Lou's in a better place now, Mother Paloma." "what the hell would you know about it?" "You didn't deserve my Lou!" "In keeping with my beloved brother Lou's wishes, we will... cremate his body and bury his ashes at sea." "No!" "No!" "No!" "Oh, my baby." "Ma, please." "Ma." "You're making a spectacle of yourself." "Mrs. Paloma, you got to let go." "Come on." " I'll take care of her." " Enough." "Your mother is very distraught." "My mother is very nuts." "You were brilliant." "I was?" "God, you look good in black." "Get a flamingo" "Eat her throat out" "Billy, I can't believe this." "I've always wanted to kiss you." " Hey!" " Billy!" "what the hell's going on out there?" "Oh, Billy." "Oh, Billy, really." "No." "Hey, it's getting hot in here." "Let go!" "where is she?" "where is that trashy nympho Lou married?" "This is all your fault." "why weren't you home cooking dinner?" " You should be in this coffin." " Oh, why thank you, Mother Paloma." " Ma, it's not Irene's fault." " Shut up, you little shit." "Hey." "I hear him!" "He's alive." "My baby's alive." "I hear him!" "He's alive." "Open this coffin!" "He's alive!" "It's hot in here." "Hey, open sesame." "Billy." "Jesus Christ, I'm in hell already." " Here's to us." " Yes, to us." "To hell with us." "Here's to the money!" "So now all we gotta do, wait for the check, fly to South America." "Ain't that right, baby?" "From now on, it's gonna be you and me, easy street all the way." " The minute we get to Rio" " Lou, Billy and I have been thinking... maybe it's not such a good idea, for both of us to go to Brazil." "what're you talking about?" "That's the plan!" "we get the check, I buy a fake passport, fly to Rio, get a little plastic surgery" "I think it's too obvious, Lou." "You might as well just confess everything to Sergeant McClain." "Irene is a widow." "She should stay here for a couple of months." "And then when things die down, she can come and join you." " william is right." " Couple of months?" "Right." "It wouldn't look good for me to suddenly leave town." "And besides, if I stay here, I can get things in order." " I can put our affairs together." " Yeah." "It makes sense, I guess." " what about the money?" " It should stay here as well, in America." "You don't want the IRS getting curious." "Really, Lou, the best thing for you is to go away and lay low for a while." "I'll spot you $15,000." "See?" "That should cover your plastic surgery expenses... and all your expenses while you're waiting." "Really, Lou, none of us want to get caught, okay?" "As soon as the coast is clear, I'll fly right down to see you." "And it'll be just like you pictured it, Lou, only better. we'll have the money." "Okay, okay, okay." "That's what we'll do." "To us." "Damn, we were good." "Hey, waiter." " Yes, SenorSmith?" " I'll have the usual." "And Paolo, bring me a telephone." "I think I'll give the wife a call." "But of course, SenorSmith." "I won't be married long." "Moving here is gonna kill my wife." "That girl, SenorSmith, she doesn't understand English." "Oh, yeah?" "So much the better, Paolo." "So much the better." "I'm a fighter." "Boxer." "Pugilista." "It comes off in a week." "Be beautiful." "Hi, this is Irene." "I'm not in." "Please leave a message." "Here you are, Senor Smith." "It's another beautiful sunset, is it not?" "Yeah." "It's nice." "Hi, this is Irene." "I'm not in." "Please leave a message." "Here's your usual, Senor Smith." "It was another beautiful sunset, was it not?" "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "You have spoken with Mrs. Smith?" " She is coming?" " Yeah, so is Christmas." "The number you have reached has been disconnected." " Another beautiful sunset, Senor Smith?" " Shut up!" "Just shut the fuck up!" "where is she?" "Okay, Irene... what the fuck?" " Is there something I can do for you?" " Yeah." "You can start out by telling me where you've been for six months... while I was wasting away in Margaritaville." "Excuse me, but I don't think I know what you're talking about." "Perhaps you'd like to speak with my husband." " Your husband?" "I am your husband!" " No." " Irene, who is this guy?" " I don't know." "Hey, pal, what do you want with my wife?" "Your wife?" "His wife?" "You little whore!" "Irene, call the police." "I'll take care of this guy." "You double-crossing son of a bitch." "You stole my insurance money!" "You're crazy, whoever you are." "Cut the bullshit, Billy." "If I have to, I'll tell the cops everything!" "I'll take both of youse down with me!" "Yes." "Is this the police?" "This is a Mrs. Paloma calling." "I'd like to report an intruder." "He seems to be fighting with my husband." "I wish you'd hurry." "Holy shit!" "That's the whole story, Officer." "Billy here faked the wound and signed the death certificate." "And this little bitch plays the grieving widow." "It was all a big setup." "And you're saying they took the insurance money?" "Is that it, Mr. Smith?" "I told you, I'm Lou Paloma." "They double-crossed me, I'm not gonna let them get away with it." "I see." "Let me tell you something." "These little scams might work where you come from... but they ain't worth shit in my territory." "I saw the body." "we all saw the body." "Lou Paloma was laying right over there in a pool of blood." "Book this shitbag and get him out of here." "I am Lou Paloma!" "I'm Lou Paloma!" "Get this character out of my sight." "I'm Lou Paloma!" "The prosecution may present its case." "Sergeant McClain, you say you found blood on the fireplace poker." "whose blood was that?" "Through the process of genetic fingerprinting... we can conclusively prove that the blood on the fireplace poker is the defendant's." "And it doesn't match the blood on the murder weapon?" "That's right, the blood on the poker was not Mr. Paloma's... it was the defendant's." "Of course it was my blood." "They hit me with the poker." "And the fingerprints on the murder weapon?" "That's right, they were Mr. Smith's." "I have no further questions, your honor." "Of course I know this man." "His name is Smith." "SenorSmith." "we have watched many beautiful sunsets together." "He's a fucking waiter." "And you insist, Mrs. Paloma, that you do not know the defendant?" "The first time I ever saw him, he came to my door... claiming to be my late husband." "I'm telling you, I saw my brother dead." "I performed his autopsy." "That man is a shameless impostor!" "Mrs. Paloma..." "Mother Paloma... do you see your son, Lou, in this courtroom today?" "Yeah." "There he is." "There's Lou." "All right." "Here comes a cavalry!" "And who am I, ma'am?" "You're my son, Lou." "And who are you?" "I am Eleanor Roosevelt." "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury..." "I don't think we have much to talk about." "Mr. Smith's sole defense is based on the ridiculous assertion... that some terrible mistake has been made." "That Lou Paloma never really died, that he, in fact... is Lou Paloma." "Pretty pathetic... considering that neither his wife nor his brother... nor even his own mother seem to recognize him." "No, ladies and gentlemen... we're not dealing with a case of mistaken identity." "we're dealing with a case of murder." "Not only murder but something even sicker." "Not only has this man destroyed the lives of Luigi Damiani Paloma... and everybody who ever loved him... he has weaseled his way back into their lives in search of financial gain." "Has the jury reached a verdict?" "Yes, Your Honor, we have reached a verdict." "we find the defendant guilty!" "Guilty!" "Guilty!" "For Christ's sake, are you all out of your heads?" "I'm Lou Paloma!" "Before you meet your maker, Mr. Smith, do you have any last words?" "I'm Lou Paloma." "Blow me." "Another beautiful sunset..." "Mr. and Mrs. Paloma?" "Yes, it is, Paolo." "I love you." "Poor Lou." "I bet he wished now that he'd gone for the term life." "Even a life term would have been an improvement." "Although you've got to admit... he's never looked so juiced about his future." "So what do you say?" "Can I interest you in a policy?" "The benefits are great, but the screamiums will kill ya."