" Give me more clamps." " You got 'em." "Here you go." "Did they send out to the enemy for that?" "McIntyre." "McIntyre!" " What a session." " Is it Tuesday or Wednesday?" " Friday." " Somebody owes us a Thursday." "Either that or two Wednesdays." "What's that I smell?" "Fresh air... if memory serves." "Radar, what does your ear tell you?" "More choppers, ambulances?" "The deluge is over." "The enemy's pulled back, and it'll take 'em at least a week to regroup." " You heard that?" " I read the colonel's report." "Hey!" " Let's eat." " After we get something to drink." "Is drinking all you think about?" "I don't mind eating if we can make a martini sandwich." "After having sandwiches for three days, I want some steak and potatoes." "On an empty stomach?" "Be sensible." "We have to have a martini first." "Just one." " One big one." " How big?" " Picture a basketball as the olive." " OK." "Boy, have I been looking forward to this." "Darling, we're about to make each other very happy." " It's dry!" " You can't make 'em dry enough for me." "The still is dry, knucklehead!" "You didn't put the fixings in last night!" " I wasn't here last night!" " That's no excuse!" "I mean, it is, but it isn't." "You know what this means?" "!" "No martinis!" "You have enough martinis stored in your hump to last seven days!" "And don't call me knucklehead!" "What is this?" "What's happening to us?" "Our first fight." " We're always on the same side." " Yeah." "Us against them." "Whoever the "them", we were always "us"." "You know... if I was to analyse your symptoms..." "Yeah?" "I would say stress..." " Yeah." " Irritability from overwork." " That's it." " What would I prescribe?" "Two days' rest and recreation at the R and R centre in Tokyo." " I was thinking three." " You're the doctor." "Shall we visit our friendly travel agent?" "Here you go, sir." "Gonna do a little outdoor surgery, huh, Henry?" " Nothing wrong with relaxing." " Precisely." "Before you go, we want you to arrange for a few days for us at the R and R." " Right." " I'm late now, guys." "OK, Radar." "Wait a minute, Henry." "Hey, Henry!" "If you don't let us go, they'll take us out of here in a rubber truck!" "If you're leaving, that means Frank's in charge." "Every time you go, he turns into instant Hitler." "Thank you, Radar." "You'll just have to work it out." "If I don't get out of here, I'll start picking flowers off the wallpaper." " Let go." " I had a dream that I was asleep," " and I dreamt it while I was awake!" " Are you nuts?" "Move out." "Were you acting?" "You ain't seen nothin' yet." "Lieutenant, check the patient in bed five." "I let him write his mother, but it may have been too much for him, because I don't like the way he's breathing." "Yes, Doctor." " Hawkeye, could I have a word with you?" " If it's the one I want to hear." "Listen, maybe I've been unfair." "You've asked me out so many times and..." "I'm not on duty tonight, so I was wondering..." "You can stop wondering." "You're about to face reality." "What did you have in mind?" "Whatever you have in mind." "What?" " If I didn't know you better, I'd be hurt." " Hawkeye..." "I know what you want." "What they all want." "You think if a guy lets you get in front of him in chow line, he's a pushover." "Let me tell you something, Lieutenant: forget it!" "I'm not that kind of a boy." " I'm worried about Hawkeye." " I wouldn't be." " He does very well looking after himself." " Very well." " That's the point." "He's not himself." " What does that mean?" "He seems to be losing touch with reality." "I think the last person we have to worry about is Hawkeye Pierce." "I second that." "Were you just in surgery?" "I'd rather not say." "What's all that funny business there?" "There's nothing funny here to me, Frank." "I happen to be very serious about this delicious piece of liver." "Where did you get liver?" "They're serving hamburger." " This is mine and you can't have any." " OK, OK." "But where did you get it?" "From that North Korean." "What North Korean?" "You mean the one that..." "The one that croaked." "You didn't." "He was very clean." "You must be loony!" "Now, what is this?" "If you wanna join me for breakfast, we can have a stack of pancreas." "You touched my plate!" "You're not sterile!" "You've ruined my liver!" "Ruined it!" "And we're all out of North Koreans!" "Stop him!" "Stop him!" "I don't think I needed that." "Radar..." "Take him back to the Swamp and give him the blue pill." "Don't touch me." "Filthy liver thief." "Well, Frank?" "We've all been working desperately hard, but Pierce has always been a rock." "Let me take him to Tokyo for some R and R before he cracks up any further!" "Frank, I'm the only one that can handle him." " I'll make the arrangements." " Pierce was saying only this morning what a considerate, intelligent human being you are." "He has flipped." "I've made my decision." "Why do I still feel so uneasy?" "Because we both know what operators they are." "How about this?" "I have a psychiatrist friend in the 423rd Evac," "Phil Sherman." "He's been crazy about me for years." "Crazy - isn't that funny?" "I don't think anybody being crazy about you is funny." "Frank, you're jealous." "Jealous?" "I envy anyone that comes close to you." "I envy the fly that walks across your upper lip, the cotton tips you stick in your ears..." "Frank, the point is, Sherman's a brilliant psychiatrist, and if anybody can spot a phoney..." "Do you see what I'm getting at?" "# My blue heaven" "Soon I'll be in the arms of somebody I haven't even met." "I'll drink to that." "Hawkeye?" ""By order of Major Frank Burns, acting commanding officer."" "Oh, yeah?" ""Captain Pierce will make himself available tomorrow morning for an examination by Captain Philip G Sherman."" " What kind of an examination?" " Psy-chi-atric." "Psy-chi-atric?" "You can tell your psy-chi-atrist that I won't be here." " Yeah, tell him to start without him." " We're gonna be in a hotel in Tokyo." "Oh, the bellhops are here." "This is a nice room." "Yeah, I stay here all the time." "Thanks, fellas." "I'll just slip into something comfortable." "I think they're waiting for a tip." "This way, sir." "Captain Sherman." " Margaret, I'm so..." " Excuse me, Captain." "Take his bags to the visiting officers' tent." " Yes, sir." " Ma'am." " Sir?" " Dismissed." "Yes, sir." " It's been a long time." " San Diego." "I waited for you in the bar until 4am." "You never came." " I said I wouldn't." " You didn't lie." "I think you'd better see Captain Pierce right away." "Captain, for me to do my job," "I've got to know what's bothering you, if anything." "So, the sooner you trust me, the sooner I can help you." "Oh, I trust you." "Why wouldn't I trust you?" " That's a healthy attitude." " Thank you." " You're welcome." " To be sure." " Right." " Wrong." "Pardon?" "I was associating freely." "I thought you'd expect that." " Fine." " And dandy." " Doctor..." " Nurse." " No, no, no." " Yes, yes, yes." "No." "We're not going to do that." "Whatever you say." " Pierce..." " Arrow." "Oh, I'm sorry." "Listen, we're both professional men." "Let's get right to it." "What's your problem?" "I appreciate your forthright approach." "I'm gonna level with you." "I'm in love." "That's nice." "I'm sure." "But it doesn't explain your erratic behaviour of late." "Maybe it's because I'm in love, and he doesn't even know I exist." "Did you say "he"?" " I'm relying on your professional discretion." " Of course." "Who is it?" "Frank Burns." "Major Burns?" "Frank." "Tell me about it." "You don't know what it's like, living in the same tent and having him think of me as just another guy." "Go on, please." "If only he knew I sleep every night with his shaving brush under my pillow." "I always try to operate at the same table he does." "I feel sharing a casualty brings us closer together." "Of course." "But he's only got eyes for Hot Lips." "That would be Major Houlihan?" "Do you know she dyes her hair blonde?" " Oh?" " Oh, yeah." "That's why I dyed my hair black." "I think Frank should have a clear choice." "Keep talking, Doctor." "Do you think a girl should throw herself at him like that?" "I mean, I'm only a captain and he's a major, but fair is fair." "Don't you agree?" " Anything new while I was gone?" " Nothing much, sir." "Good." "Just Captain Pierce went bananas and they called in a psychiatrist." " What?" " A latrine-o-gram's going around that he might be shipped out to the laughing academy." "Oh, he's beautiful." " Have Sherman report to my office." " I'll tell him to see you." "Captain Sherman, do you..." "Do you know Major Houlihan and Major Burns?" " Major." " Captain." " Captain." " Major." "Sit down, sit down." "Thank you." "Thank you." "The captain thinks Pierce is a candidate for the funny farm." "Now, we all know what a practical joker he is." "Frank, why don't you tell us about the time when you were asleep," "Pierce tied your big toes to the bed frame and then yelled "Fire"." "I'd rather not, sir." "Then tell him about the time he sedated you, and then set your arms and legs in plaster, and hung you from the ceiling." "And how, when you came to, you thought you had four broken limbs!" "Then Pierce came in and cut him down." "Frank, I tell you, I will never forget the terror in your eyes." "That look just before you hit the bed!" "Do you remember that one, Frank?" "I don't think I'll ever forget it, sir." " We certainly won't." " Pierce did that?" " Yeah." " Yes." "I don't think a man like that should get R and R." "Neither do I." "I agree." " I'm taking him with me to Tokyo tomorrow." " You're what?" "Captain Pierce can use a few weeks of observation." "Wait a minute." "What if I never get him back?" "We'll do the best we can." "This is the army!" "Nobody can do the best they can." "Now, Frank, tell him how wrong he is, that Pierce is just pulling a fast one." "Or we're gonna lose him." "They're gonna take him away." "Tell him, Frank." "Frank, tell him." "Major Houlihan, you tell him." "You mean poor Hawkeye?" "What "poor" Hawkeye?" " Poor, sick Hawkeye?" " Sick, sick, sick." "Observation?" "The only thing I wanna observe in Tokyo is a good time." " You need tests." " Oh, come on!" " You know I was putting you on about Frank." " Of course." "But you have done some bizarre things." "I can't imagine why." "I'm 12,000 miles from home, sewing together soldiers not old enough to shave, while people drop bombs on the building where I work, which has a big red cross painted on the roof." "Should I hire a band and have it catered?" "Easy." "We're leaving in the morning." "That's an order." "Didn't anything ever get you, Captain?" "Any situation thrust upon you, in which you didn't come out smelling like a well-adjusted rose?" "Not much chance of that, Captain." "My sense of reality is my gyroscope." "Whatever the situation, it keeps me right on course." "You're a lucky man." " I'm speaking, of course, in the past tense." " Just relax." "Radar?" " What's up?" " A mission you just volunteered for." " I was just on my way to the shower." " Well, you waited this long..." " Do you mind if I sit here, sir?" " No, not at all, Corporal." "Thank you." "That's very kind of you." " Would you like some soup, sir?" " No." "No, thank you." "Why do you keep doing that?" "Major Houlihan keeps looking over here, and then when you look over she turns away." "Really?" "Major Houlihan?" "Does that surprise you, sir?" "This afternoon I heard her say in the women's shower how great you are." "Why were you in the women's shower?" "Actually, I was on the outside, fixing a hole in the tent." "I'm sure she was talking about somebody else." "What did she say?" "Thank you very much for your advice." "I'll be sure to send home for that book by Sergeant Freud." " That's Sigmund Freud." " Yes, sir." " Goodnight." " Goodnight, sir." "There's no light." "Is that so, sir?" "It must be a burned-out bulb." " I can scrape one up for you." " Unnecessary." "My profession is helping people find their way in the dark." "Oh, yes, sir." "Very good, sir." "Idiotic supply sergeant." "Oh!" "Gee..." "It's true." "It's true!" "Let me do that." "Pardon me." "I thought I heard somebody yell for help." "Carry on." ""Carry on", hell!" "I did yell for help!" "Help!" "Help!" "Help!" " It's all right, babe." " All right for who?" "Get off me, you animal!" "Margaret, it's me" " Philip." "Captain Sherman!" " Margaret!" " It is not me!" "I mean, I wouldn't have anything to do with this pervert!" " This sex maniac!" " It's a horrible mistake!" " I've been victimised!" " Is that what you call it?" "!" "Lying in the dark, waiting to spring on an innocent girl?" "!" "I'm innocent!" "It was that little guy with the soup!" " It's a frame-up!" " A frame-up?" " You live in a fool's paranoid." " What the Sam Hill is going on?" "!" "She wanted me." "I thought she did." "I'm a very controlled person." " You're just having gyroscope trouble." " Trouble with your what?" " Colonel, can I leave?" " In the morning." " No, tonight." "Please!" " Even better." " I'll pack you some bananas." " And crackers and nuts." "Goodbye, Margaret." "# A little nest that's nestled by" "# A little nest nestled where the roses bloom" "Oh, driver!" "Yoo-hoo!" "Driver!" "Here you go, men." "One full week of R and R." " If I say so myself, we earned 'em." " Yes, indeedy." " Don't forget the deal." " We're only a phone call away." "Choppers." "Here they come!" "Attention: incoming casualties." "Report to admitting ward and operating room, on the double!" "Keep the motor running until the war is over." "And don't stop the meter."