"Humans?" "So tiny!" "Why poke my foot?" "Monk Tang." "Monk Tang." "Over here!" "Look this way, I'm here!" "You've been asleep for ages." "We wanted to wake you." "Listen!" "We have good news." "Sorry." "Sorry." "Sorry." "Monk Tang, we have great news to tell you." "Congratulations!" "You're in the place you've always dreamed of." " This is India?" " Correct!" "India." "I've reached my destination at last!" "Sorry." "Master." "You've shrunk too?" "Master, why are you in India too?" "Monk Tang, you haven't let me down." "You wanted 22 sutras." "They're loaded on 10 horse carts." "They're yours if you want them." "Help yourself." "But the main reason I'm here today is to give you an award." "What award?" "For living this long." "Try it on." "What an honour." "I like it." "Discreet or bold you control it." "The right side is brighter, you see?" "You can even it up." "May we ask for a few words?" "I...." "I need to think about it." "Master!" "What is going on?" "Have fun!" "CIRCUS FREAK SHOW" "Monk!" "Pay your way or the boss will throw you out." "Stop sleeping!" "I know." "Blindfolded knife-throwing!" "Amazing physical feats!" "Roll up, roll up!" "Don't miss this!" "Our guest stars are travellers heading west." "The pig, the fish and the monkey." "Greatest show on earth." "Only 2 cents per person." "How about half price?" "Buy one, get one free?" "It's a deal, thank you." "Showtime." "The gorgeous Pigsy!" "Woman...." " What's your name?" "Your age?" " Crazy!" "The great fish monster, Sandy!" "How dare you scare my kid!" "Shame on you!" "Money back!" "Making me angry?" "Money back!" "Don't." "Don't be rash." "We have more to show you." "Give us another chance." "If we don't like them, you pay everyone back double!" "All right." "His Excellency, the Monkey King!" "Fake!" "Money back!" "Monkey, do some somersaults!" "Paying back double will clean us out!" "All right." "Thanks for the vegetables." "Your generosity will keep us fed for several days." "Boss, this monk cheats!" "He can't pay us back!" "Throw him out!" "You're a disgrace to my circus!" "Scram!" "How can you fit in here with such stunts?" "Boss, we're not circus people." "We are Buddhist monks." "Our road is long and hard." "We are hungry." "And I'm sick!" "My body aches." "It's been days since I last ate." "So pitiful?" "Come...." "These two buns are for righteous men." "Men who deserve help." "Are you worthy?" "We're really from the Great Tang Dynasty." "We conquer demons." "Monkey, show them your skills." "Hit me." " Hit me." " I can't do that, Brother Monkey." "I'm not suicidal." "Shall I hit you, then?" "I'd like that even less, Brother Monkey." "Fine, you only live once, I'll hit you." "Brother, you're hard as a rock!" "It's as if my whole arm is shattered!" "Pretty boy, have you no shame?" "Watch some more before you complain." "And stop poking me." "I need to!" "Hit me." "Master wants us to perform." "I'm hungry, I have no strength." "Hungry?" "That's no excuse for shirking." "Hit me, stupid!" "I've heard there are fake demon-vanquishers around." "They've left many people hurt." "You must be the ones!" "Yes, we're guilty." "The problem is that my disciples are too strong." "Sure, you just keep on bragging." "One blow is enough." "Stop now." "That'll do for now." "You're so desirable!" "Let me stoke your fires a little." "No!" "Get off me!" "Monkey, don't just squat there." "Do something about it!" "I'm so sorry, that's really all from us." "No charge for what you've just seen." "Great, sir." "Your performance is more than impressive." "Say no more." "Try this candied fruit, let us be brothers." "Brother, now you've seen what they can do." "I wish they could control themselves better." " We really do conquer demons." " Of course you do." "Monkey, come and apologise!" "Pick up your headband." "Put it on." "Wear it properly now!" "I'm doing it." "You talk while chewing a twig?" "Bad monkey!" "I won't if you don't like it." "But stop calling me "Bad monkey"!" "I can call you that if I want to." "Bad monkey!" "Bad monkey!" "Great." "Say it just one more time...." "You're angry?" "Makes me so scared!" "Aren't you all afraid?" "Let's do this together..." "Don't be scared." "Even if he throws tantrums, you can't be lenient." "Let's all scold him together." "One, two, three...." "Bad monkey!" "My boy, my boy" "Why are you so bad?" "Bullying, cheating" "Why make me so sad?" "Learn to be a good boy" "Learn to love" "Care for others" "Fill your heart with colour" "My good boy" "Hurry back to me" "My embrace" "My good boy" "Be sincere" "You're the one I love most" "Master, ours is just a small enterprise." "What you see is all we have." "If it's not enough for you, then all we can offer is our lives." "First, I'm not here to extort anything from you." "Second...." "Never mind, I won't say it." "Journey to the West:" "The Demons Strike Back" "When did your mother start behaving like this?" "A few days ago." "I don't know why." "Soon after we moved here she began talking nonsense." "If I approach her she scratches me like a mad thing." "I have no idea why she's like this." "I'm completely exhausted." "Luckily my two daughters help me take care of my mother." "It wears them out." "They're your daughters?" "Goddaughters." " How old are they?" " They just turned 16." "They look a little haggard." "They've been working too hard." "They were radiant before." "What a sense of humour!" "Grandma, have some congee." "You haven't eaten all day." "Another fit?" "Ma, are you all right?" "Ma, Ma, Ma...." "It's me." " Quick!" "The exorcism mirror!" " Coming up!" "Ten thousand gods send down thunderbolts to reveal the hidden demons!" "Show yourself!" "All demons, be revealed!" "Nothing?" "But the whole room smells foul." "If it's not her body, then maybe she has second sight." "She sees the demons in others." "That's why she's so scared." "Could it be those two?" "I've put up with them for too long." "All demons, be revealed!" "Too bright!" "I can't see anything!" "What?" "Not them either." "Could it be...?" "A hairy crab!" "You bad monkey!" "You bad monkey!" "Bad monkey!" "Brother, look at that." "Master's whip is really strong today." "That whip has kept Monkey under control for 500 years." "It needs to be strong." "You knew those two were shape-shifters." "Why didn't you stop them?" "You asked me to perform, so I did!" "And what did you perform?" "I asked for a couple of somersaults and you destroyed a family!" "Then you shouldn't have called me "Bad monkey."" "You know that makes me go berserk." "I didn't mean to call you that." "Everyone knows I don't mean it." "Such a small thing and you try to kill me?" "Open your mouth!" "Wider!" "Now I'm offering you my life." "Bite!" "You're a coward if you don't." "Bite!" "Do it." "Come on!" "You wanted to kill me, right?" "Why did you treat me like that?" "Speak!" "Say something!" "Why do you keep doing it?" "Cheating me!" "Provoking me!" "Hurting me!" "Torturing me!" "Mistreating me!" "It seems our days of conquering demons have come to an end." "Let's disband." ""Disband"?" "Does "disband" mean he wants to kill us?" "Master!" "Master...." "I understand why Master does these things." "But please drink this medicine first." "From now on, I'll be obedient." "What are you saying?" "I'm not punishing you." "Master, you surely know my brothers and I, we are all of one heart." "If you punish Brother Monkey, then my heart aches too." "And my heart is really aching!" "That's so true." "When I hit you, my heart really aches." "Master, try it if you don't believe us." "When I punish you I suffer heartache too." "If I'd set off to find the sutras on my own, I'd have got there long ago." "Having you with me doesn't help at all." "I can subdue 100 foes single-handedly." "But I prefer to hide my powers." "My Buddha's Palm is so powerful, but, again, keeping a low profile." "So it's not that you're helping me to find the sutras." "I'm helping you to make merit and learn Buddhism." "Do I make myself crystal clear?" "Do you get it?" "Yes, we do." "That's enough for now." "Think about what I've said." "Meeting over." "Sinful monkey!" "I'll show you my Buddha's Palm!" "Did you miss me?" "Master's mind has reached such a high level he's even teasing Brother Monkey." "That's not Brother Monkey he's embracing." "It's someone else." " Amitabha, Amitabha." " Master, you seemed happy last night." "We were happy to see you happy." "But we won't tell on you." "What are you on about?" "No water left." "Second Brother, fetch some water." "Why do I have to do it?" "How did you come up with that idea?" " Why don't you go?" " Stop quarreling, I'll go." "Almsgiver, excuse me." "I was just passing." "May I trouble you for water to boil rice?" "There's no need for that." "You're welcome to eat here." "I'm a vegetarian." "What luck!" "We're having vegetarian food." "We're devout too, we share the same path." "It's natural for us to share our meal." "And you can stay after eating." "We'll be able to compare notes." "He's ill, won't he taste bad?" "Never mind, we can heal him first." "It would be impolite to refuse." "No need to cook!" "Come and eat here!" "What about my congee?" "I prepared it this morning." "Your congee will be burnt." "Go back and watch the fire." "Almsgiver, your medicine works a treat." "I feel better already." "These three are my delinquent disciples." "Nice to meet you." "Nice to meet you." "Nice to meet you." "Nice to meet you." "Don't flirt." "Nice to meet you." "To hell with that, what's nice about it?" "Sandy, what are you saying?" "I was cooking congee." "Master, what are you up to?" ""Nice, nice, nice...."" "What do you all think you're doing?" "I'm sorry, my disciple is a touch simple-minded." " It doesn't matter." " May I just ask you are there any demons here?" "Master, please don't scare me." "Why would there be demons here?" "You're going too far." "Why ask such a question?" "Actually we conquer demons." "I did wonder." "Really?" "You've been so hospitable, but we have nothing to repay it." "All I can offer is a one-off exorcism." "Really?" "You're terribly kind." "But, sad to say there are no demons here." "See my face?" "Hit me." "Come on, quick!" "If you don't, I'll beat you to death!" "Really?" "Why?" "Scum!" "I told you to hit me." "I'll ask you again." "Hit me, you asshole!" "Have you lost it again?" "I'm not an asshole!" "You definitely are." "But I was calling her an asshole, not you." "Damn you!" "You assholes take me as your master?" "Clear out of here!" "Sorry about that." "Get out, all of you." "She kindly invited us to eat." "You bang her table and ask her to hit you and call her an asshole." "Go and face the wall." "Contemplate what you've done." "What have you ever contributed to society?" "Don't come back until you figure it out." "Come back!" " We haven't figured it out yet." " Don't give it any more thought." " Come back!" " Still contemplating it." "Don't bother, she's caught me!" "Rake!" "Up, up!" "Quick, up!" "Quick, up!" "Fine, that's enough." "You can stop now." "Master, time to show your hand." "You're so kind." "Such long legs!" " Such long legs...." "I like them." " What are you doing?" "I'm a spider!" "You must be kidding!" "I'm just a pig." "I wasn't kidding." "Your resistance makes me stronger." " What's that noise?" " Don't worry, it's Sandy." "Sandy, are you all right?" "A bit poisoned, a bit dazed." "Seems like time for me to step in now." "Conquering demons takes sincerity." "Lead them to benevolence." "No violence necessary." "Without a knife, a butcher can be a Buddha." "Stop!" "Monkey...." "You are too rude." "Save your strength to help your brother." "Let me handle this." "Brother Monkey, be more gentle." "Don't hurt her long legs." "I've only just gotten started with her." " Master, maybe I can talk to her first?" " Quiet." "Let go..." "All done, Master." "What?" "You finished her before I had a chance!" "What were you thinking?" "You were in great danger." "She could have swallowed you whole." "You're lucky I strike fast." "I took her out with one blow." "How many times have I told you?" "To conquer a demon, educate it." "Didn't you see the smile on her face just now?" "Smile?" "She smiled at the prospect of eating you." "Outrageous!" "That smile was so sincere." "My smile is even more sincere." "Guess:" "Do I love you?" "Or will I kill you?" "Who the hell are you?" "How can I help you?" "Did you see that?" "He's so handsome." "You're almost better-looking than me." "You know that?" "Of course." "You can't stand it?" "Of course not, how about you?" "What's Baldy doing up there?" "Thinking." "About what?" "About Miss Duan." "I don't care who he's thinking about!" "This bald fellow...." "I can overlook his propensity for violence but he's started going too far." "Lying beside me, swaying and fondling asking if I miss him." "Just thinking of it gives me goosebumps." "Well, that needs to stop." "Why not just kill him?" "You couldn't do that, could you?" "You always dance to Baldy's tune." "Just forget it." "I'll pull out his tongue and tie it in a knot!" "What kind of tune would he sing then?" "He still knows the Buddha's Palm technique." "I'm not scared." "If I break his arm how can he use Buddha's sodding Palm?" "Master, how long have you been standing there?" "Just now." "I came to see how you're doing." "Don't worry, I heard nothing." "Master how come you lost your voice?" "I haven't." "Out here in the wild we shouldn't disturb others by being loud." " Really?" " For sure." "Have I ever lied to you?" "All right, you all relax." "I'll just relieve myself." "Buddha, Buddha, my three disciples are unruly." "I have failed to teach them well." "I know 300 songs for children, but nothing else." "I've been pretending to be capable." "How can I go on like this?" "Now Monkey is plotting to kill me and I've lost my singing voice." "Be merciful, Buddha." "Teach me your holy Buddha's Palm." "Your follower will be forever grateful." "I beg you, please." "Buddha, do you hear me?" "Give me a sign." "Even a little fart would do." "Pigsy, how long have you been there?" "Not long, I didn't see what you were doing." "Don't worry, I didn't hear anything either." "I've been good to you, haven't I?" "You know what you should do." "What should I do?" "All I can do is be myself." "What I was getting at is silence is golden." "Master, all I did was break wind." "But all your threats and pressures weigh on me heavily." "So that's your game." "Your master knows many butchers." " You should watch out." " Understood." "Monkey, what are you thinking?" " You're the one who needs to watch out." " I'd like to experience my master's holy Buddha's Palm." "What are you talking about?" "What palm?" "You didn't get it?" "Just the two of us." "I want to compare strength." "You run?" "My boy, my boy" "Why are you so naughty?" "Bullying, cheating" "Why behave that way?" "Learn to behave better" "Closeness, love" "Be tender in your heart" "Damn Baldy, enough with the singing!" "Fight me!" "Good child" "Run." "Where can you run to?" "All right." "If that's what you really want, I'll indulge you." "So it's clobbering time." "Wait, give me a moment." "I was just toying with you, Master." "Just working up a sweat." "You scared me to death." " What on earth are you up to now?" " None of your business." "You're so handsome, you've gone bald." "Do you mean that?" "I'd be a pig if I lied." "How did it go?" "Did you tear Baldy to shreds?" "Was his blood running everywhere?" "Wait, have you really killed him?" "You tricked me!" "Pigsy, have you learned what "silence is golden" means?" "I just did." "Now you're poisoned, I have to pull you." "Will you please stop dousing me?" "I caught a cold, my nose is runny." "Caught a cold?" "Bullshit!" "Better take a cleaver to you and sell you in the market." "Less trouble for me that way." "Monkey, when do you think Sandy will turn back into a man?" "I have no idea." "Master, you really want to know?" "Maybe not." "Bi-Qiu Kingdom" "The minister is here!" "Hail, Your Eminence." "Master Tang is an eminent monk indeed." "His bearing is graceful." "My admiration is heartfelt." "It's a pleasure to meet you." "May I ask how Your Eminence knew I was coming?" "I am flattered...." "Most flattered." "Master Tang's reputation precedes him." "And your three brilliant companions are also awe-inspiring." "I learned that the four of you would pass by here." "The king sent me to greet you here." "Let's go to the palace." "We can chat there." "Neat trick." "It's just a trifle." " Don't play any more tricks." " It wasn't me." "I didn't do anything." "What did I do?" "Bloom." "Hey, presto." "Your Eminence, it puzzles me." "Are your magic tricks intended to seem fake?" "Master, we both know that in this world magic tricks are illusions." "Why care whether they seem real or fake?" "Let's go." "Cultivating oneself is different from playing tricks." "The crucial thing is what's in the heart." "Master you are bottling something up." "What's on your mind?" "There's someone in your heart." "You yearn for her." "You can't forget her." "I'm afraid you're wrong, there's not." "Learning humanity is like having religious faith." "Following your heart will keep you young." "A person who can't be honest with himself is hypocritical." "That's why I cultivate myself according to my heart's desires." "So what "cultivation" means to you is...." "Doing what I damn well like." "Is this what pupils do between lessons in your country?" "It's a game, losers have to kneel." "The king has been taking rejuvenation pills lately." "Now he behaves like a child." "It's as if he took my counsel about following his heart." "The king is easily coaxed." "Simply fawn on him and you'll be well-rewarded." "I'll expect my cut, of course." "That's...." "I'm just joking." "You didn't think I was serious?" "Look, our beauties are greeting you." "Impressive, I like it!" "Your Majesty, the honourable guests are here." "I am Tang." "I am crossing your great country." "My three disciples and I are here to pay our respects." "Hug, hug!" "Splendid." "Look, this king is sillier than our master." "No way." "No one is sillier than our master." "Hug, hug!" "Please respond in kind to the king's high protocol." "Too late, he's too stuck-up." "Hug, hug!" "Follow your heart." "I hear that you conquer demons." "It's true." "Don't believe it, show me some tricks." "I think Your Majesty is confused." "Conquering demons is not an acrobatic trick." "You will do as I order!" "You will speak as I order!" "If you don't obey, you insult my dignity!" "Now I'll have your head chopped off." "I'll use it as my night potty." "Great, this king gives his people what they like." " My kind of king." " Men, off with his head!" "Don't worry." "Really, Minister?" " It's a joke." " I see." "It doesn't seem so." "Doesn't seem what?" "Your Majesty, I have a dream." "We can perform a bit for you." "Monkey, show His Majesty a few tricks." "You ask a nobody to entertain me?" "That's a deliberate insult!" "Death penalty!" "Don't try to talk me out of it, I'll perform." "Just give me a moment and I'll be with you." "Get a move on!" "Master, are you really going to perform?" "Do I have any choice?" "He can't get through." "What should we do?" "No big deal, just show them your Buddha's Palm." "It's not a parlour trick." "How about I take Master's form?" "I can perform for the king." "You just want to have your way with the maids so Master will leave dozens of children here." "Come, come." "Stick, stick, stick!" "I know what." "Use the talisman of obedience." "That again?" "That's an old idea." "It will have to do, boss." "New ideas are thin on the ground." "Stick it on him and he'll do whatever I do." "Identical movements." "Damn it, chop him up!" "Out of the question." "I'll be doomed if you do a striptease again." "You don't trust me." "I don't." "I'm sincerely trying to help." "And you really don't trust me?" " I don't." " If you find that something goes wrong you can always stop me." " You won't cheat me?" " I look like a cheat?" "Have I ever cheated you?" " More times than I can remember." " You're right." "You're no use to us, you're an asshole." "Good." "Stop it." "What is he doing?" "You want to make me lose face again?" "Move." "Out of the way." "What kind of dance is that?" "I specialise in striptease." "Master isn't as good as I am." "Where did he go?" " Stop!" " Don't stop." "No stopping." "If you shout "stop" again, I'll have your head." "You are joking?" "Master, he's not joking." "If you shout "stop" again, you'll lose your head." "Go on, then." "Wonderful." "Great, great." "Great!" "Master, any more tricks up your sleeve?" "Go to hell!" "Go to hell!" " Go to hell again!" " Go to hell again!" "He hit me." "He hit me!" "Hurry!" "Quick!" "You must flee right away if the king cries." "Master, I did my best to help you but after what just happened, I'm afraid that your reputation cannot be repaired." "Attendants." "Here's some money for expenses." "Use it on your travels." "Don't show up here again for eight to 10 years." "How can I accept, after all that...?" "Forget it." "Meetings are hard but partings are harder." "You and I may not meet again." "Take care, Tang Tang." "The minister fancies you." "How about that, Master?" "You have a good chance with her." "I envy you." "With all your piety, you can still get dates." "You bad monkey!" "There's no limit to your mischief!" "I feared it might go wrong, but I didn't expect to risk my life." "Now kneel to me." "I'll beat you until you kneel!" "Kneel!" "Beat away." "Did you ever think how it feels to demean yourself in front of people?" "Now you know what crazy dancing feels like." "So you know how bad I feel!" "You tell me to kneel like a dog before you." "You know how humiliating that is?" "You're right." "I did manipulate you." "So that you'd know how indignity feels." "I see." "Now that you've said all that..." " ..." "I'll finish you off with one slap!" " Go ahead!" "I'm ready for it." "I'd rather die than suffer this torture." "All I wanted was to tell you:" "Do unto others as you'd wish them to do unto you." "I'm sorry, I'm at fault." "Stop, don't try that on me." "You're right, we should treat others as we wish to be treated." "I've punished you by making you dance, by taking away your dignity in public." "Now I realise what a loss of dignity feels like." "I've been wrong to call you "Bad monkey."" "I've beaten and scolded you all day long." "I've been oblivious to your feelings." "The problem here is me, not you." "I'm the one who spreads unhappiness." "Now I realise my mistakes." "Please forgive me this once." "Give me one more chance, forgive me." "Master's conscience is awakened at last." "Don't you see what he's doing?" "Master is skilled at tricks like this." "This is "advance by retreating."" "To admit a mistake at the right time can win people's hearts." "Master often seems silly but he knows how to manage risk." "Master I guess I overdid it." "Please get up." "I actually care a lot for you." "I just didn't know how to express it." "Master, I know in my heart how you feel about me." "From now on, though, don't ever make me do crazy dancing." "But frankly speaking, Monkey, you're good at it." "Don't even think that, Master." "Please stop calling me "Master."" "We're sworn brothers for life." "So just call me "Elder" from now on." "Elder." "Elder!" "See that, Pigsy?" "How well it works?" "They're all but kissing." "Impressive, no?" "No entry to the palace, on pain of death!" " Pardon us, we wish to see the king." " Master...." " Why are you back?" " Minister, I've been thinking." "I can't leave things as they were." "I need to restore my reputation." "Master, please get away while you still can." "If you come back, there'll be carnage." "Minister, I value my reputation." "How can I be a good monk with a bad rep?" "How dare you return!" "Your Majesty, please calm down." " Monk Tang has something to say." " Your Majesty, please calm down." "What happened before had nothing to do with me." "It was all caused by my errant disciple." "So I've brought him to apologise to you." "And while we're about it we'll conquer a demon or two." "Monkey." "Come on, hit me." "Are you a pervert?" "Brilliant." "A game is just the thing to appease the king." "Master Monkey, let me run through the rules of this game." "Master, I don't think we'll meet again in this life." "Hit me." "Can't you do it harder?" "You haven't eaten yet, is that it?" "Out of the way!" "Danger!" "Red Boy." " Monkey." " You show your true face at last." "I saw from the start there was something odd about you." "According to legend you own the long Firecloud Spear." "And move on the flaming Golden Wheel!" "Well met!" "So you're the Monkey King." "Let's see your tricks." "Show your senior the best you can do." "Foul play?" "You ain't seen nothing yet." "Master, over here." "Three-Tier Fire!" "Take that!" "The palace...." "It's in ruins." "Ruins!" "Stupid monkey, don't hide!" "Come out to face me!" "My turn!" "Help!" "Help!" "Gentlemen, was there an earthquake?" "Please rescue me, I've wet myself." "Your Majesty." "Wait." "Let me do it." "What a cute, little monster." "I've subdued it, keep it as a souvenir." "I will chant sutras day and night until its evil nature is defeated." "I'll do my best." "The king." "Your Majesty!" "Thank you, Your Reverences." "We have our real king back at last." "We've prepared lavish gifts for you." "See for yourselves." "The palace's 3000 beauties." " Choose which you like." " All for me?" "Too few?" "You can have the throne too." "Calm down, Your Majesty." "His Majesty is offering ladies-in-waiting for your journey." " So it is." " I'm grateful for his generosity, but I...." "You think we're the types to accept such a gift?" "Women make us seriously ill." "Put me in charge of them, see how badly I treat them all." "Come on, the fish is getting very dry." "Put that to good use." "Your saliva smells bad." "Don't be picky." "Master, kindly accept them." " At least one or two." " Yes." "There's no rush, I'll handle them one by one." "If Your Majesty insists on repaying us, maybe I can suggest something?" "Could you free these ladies?" "Sure, no problem." "Anyone who wants to leave can leave." "No blame attached, you have my word." "Your Majesty..." " ...aren't you being too generous?" " I feel like crying." "All those women they're ugly-looking gluttons." "Any one of them could eat a whole cow for breakfast." "You can go, you're free." "Being imperial concubines is fine." "Why would we want to leave?" "Damned bald monk, who do you think you are?" " If you stir things up, we'll sort you out!" " You think we're vain?" "We're sacrificing ourselves on the altar of love!" "Monk Tang, get out!" "Protect our love!" "Monk Tang, get out!" "Protect our love!" "Monk Tang, get out!" "Protect our love!" "Monk Tang, get out!" "Protect our love!" "See how they love you?" "I'll kick your balls!" " I'm sorry." " You'll never have children." "Calm down, you can all stay." "I want to die." " That one...." "That one is...." " Me?" "You, the one in black at the back." "How come I've never seen you before?" "This lady is a newcomer." "She's a songstress." "What's your name?" " Felicity." " Since you're a songstress give us a quick song to send the masters on their way." "Yes, sire." "As a monk, I renounce you." "Yesterday, today" "The past has slipped away" "Without makeup" "Colours fade" "All through history" "Love endures" "Your love awaits your return" "Wandering beyond the clouds" "Love sickness" "Begets sorrow" "In this world" "Fate is immutable" "Let it go" "We cannot be together" "Is this truly our destiny?" "Splendid!" "Her artistry is magnificent." "Master." "What is it?" "His Majesty asks if you'd like Felicity to accompany you on your travels." "Out of the question!" "I'm going west to find sutras and cultivate myself." "She couldn't make such an arduous journey." "I have burned incense and prayed to Buddha." "I am a devout Buddhist." "We must brave the elements with little to eat." "A young woman couldn't endure it." "I'm not afraid, my family was poor." "I've done household chores since I was young." " I'm accustomed to hardship." " Wonderful!" "What touching words." "This songstress...." "She can sing, dance, cook, and wash." "What a resource, at home and on travels." " Still...." " Master, you really don't want her?" "I don't." "You won't regret it?" "No regrets." "Master, please take time to reflect." "I'll ask you once again." "You don't want her?" " I don't." " You must be kidding!" "Such a charming girl!" "Why don't you want her?" "You're weird!" "Minister, please arrange this right away." "I want the girl cleaned up and sent to my chambers." "As soon as possible." "Your Majesty...." "We'll take our leave now." "Attendants, see them out." "Help them with the fish too." "Come with me." "When you've suffered pain you know the pain of all sentient beings." "When you've insisted you know how to let go." "When you've cared for others, you know how to move on." "That's what spiritual attainment is all about." "But me I'm just an ordinary man." "Your Majesty...." "Your Majesty, the master is back again." "Master, you have broken your journey." "What trouble did you encounter?" "I've been pondering, I don't think I should reject Your Majesty's great generosity." "Please allow Felicity to join me on my journey." "You can do that, right?" "I can, but...." " But what?" " Last night, I had my way with Felicity." "Tell you what, choose someone else." "Master I sympathise, but there's nothing I can do." "You mean...." "But I don't mind." "Your Majesty has favoured Felicity." " That makes me all the more honoured." " You don't mind?" "Definitely not." "You don't mind but I mind." "The fact of the matter is Felicity resisted him last night." "She refuses to be a concubine." "She says she'd rather die than be forced into it." " Then yes." " I lied to you!" "So what?" "Yesterday I asked you eight times and eight times you refused." "Now you come back and change your mind." "How reckless!" "Don't get worked up." " Put down the drum." " All the women in the harem look like they've been struck by lightning." "But this one is good-looking." "You won't grant me this one morsel?" " That's right." " You bastard!" "Now that Master has made up his mind and Felicity refuses to be a concubine, let's move towards a happy ending." "Attendants, fetch Felicity." "Thank you, Your Majesty." "I don't agree to this." "My Felicity...." "Master, drink some water." " You first." " You're so kind." "Monkey, what are you doing?" "Taking a leak!" "In front of a girl?" "What's gotten into you?" "Go over there!" " Felicity...." " Master, come with me." " I don't need to go." " What?" "Yes, you do!" "Come." "One moment, I'll be right back." " My dear...." " Who are you?" "I'm Second Brother." "Isn't my true face completely irresistible?" "Sometimes when I look in the mirror, my beauty stuns me." "Second Brother, Brother Monkey is watching you." "You're a naughty one, aren't you?" "But I won't let you cheat me." "Extreme!" "Mistress, go get a whip." "Lash me, correct me insult me, beat me, punish me." "You're laughing at me." "You're coughing, Third Brother, drink some water." "What's blocking your nose?" "That's more comfortable!" "So you get back human form when you sneeze." "You should've said so, it's hard work pulling you." "Master, even if you don't want to pee, try to pee just a little." "Make a puddle to look at your reflection." "I'm handsome, does that bother you?" "I've been bothered about you for a couple of days." "You don't even have hair." "Felicity is quite good-looking." "Why did she pass up being a queen to follow you instead?" "What's on your mind?" "She's actually a demon, she plans to eat you." " Don't do that!" " Sorry." "Why didn't you tell me this earlier?" "There are many kinds of demons." "Some are easy to spot others aren't." "So you have no proof." "It's not hard to check." "You've let her looks blind you." "Get on her case." "Do I have to tell you how?" "Aren't you a professional demon-hunter?" " What are you looking for?" " A mirror." "I have one." "It sends out light." "What a shining bronze mirror!" " Doesn't it work?" " It's fine." "Bad monkey, have you finished?" "Don't mind him, I'll help comb your hair." "Monkey, what are you doing?" "A demon's blood will vaporise on the mirror." "That's impossible!" "Nothing happened." " Shut it, demon-hunter!" " So she's not a demon." " Where are you from?" " I'm from Rivermouth Village." "Rivermouth Village." "It's on the other side of that hill." "I've never known a demon with a family." " I dare you to take me there." " I'll go!" "Rivermouth Village" "Felicity, it's so long since you visited us." "Ma, I'm following a monk west to find sutras." "See how nice her family is?" "You'd better apologise to them now." "Apologise?" "Dream on!" "Dad!" "Demon girl, you hired a big supporting cast." "No expense spared." "I don't know what the misunderstanding is but please let my mother go." "Spare the lives of my family." "Don't be rash!" "Let her go." "Master likes this young woman, but he still loves you too." "Don't be jealous." "Jealous?" "Will you shut up?" "Hurry!" "How many times must I tell you?" "This woman is really a demon." "They're in league to do you harm." "They're a family, three generations!" "And you keep slandering them!" "You're the one doing harm." "You're the demon!" "So you believe her rather than me?" " Yes." " Fine." "Then I'll kill her!" "How dare you smite me as a demon?" "All the women I like, such as Miss Duan before her, you want to kill them all?" "He finally said it." "So you haven't forgotten." "Of course I remember." "I'll always remember." "The way you beat her." "Beat her to death!" "I thought you were really treating me as a brother." "Brother?" "Since I'm stuck with a mad killer like you, day in, day out I have to pretend to get along with you!" "If you died 10 times, it wouldn't be enough." "I wish you'd go to hell, be damned forever!" "I see." "If you're not my friend in this world you're my enemy." "We've been enemies all along." "Get out!" "Go away as far as possible, while I'm in a good mood." "So you're in a good mood?" "Listen, all of you...." "All the demon-killing on this journey I did it for him." "My constant headaches, the lash scars all over my body that's all his doing." "Whatever I owed him I've repaid it in full." "Whatever he owes me, no need to repay." "From now on, our master-disciple bond is at an end!" " Brother Monkey!" " Let him go." "Dad." "How's your family?" "They're recovering, they'll be fine." "Please don't blame yourself." "Who's Miss Duan?" "Miss Duan was also a demon-hunter." "We faced life-or-death struggles together." "I loved her a lot but I dared not admit it." "Until the day I saw Monkey destroying her." "And then it was too late." "I let her down." "And if you meet someone else you like will you let her down again?" "I never wanted too much from life." "Just find the right man..." " ...get married, have a baby...." " Have a baby settle down." "I've found that man." "It's you." "Master, it's a crisis!" "Brother Monkey has gone mad." "He killed everyone in sight, we couldn't stop him!" "Pigsy, Sandy, see if anyone can be saved." "Ma!" "Dad!" "Dad!" "Ma!" "You can smile after killing so many?" "You're possessed by the devil!" "Those I killed were all demons." "You don't believe anything I say." "So I won't waste words." "I'll kill the last one and be done with it." " Don't force me!" " You'll give your life to protect a demon?" "Yes!" "I won't let you hurt any more of the people I love." "You're possessed." "Out of my way!" "Bad monkey, that's enough!" "Enough?" "You want to die, so be my guest." "Child, child, why" "Child, child" "Why are you so bad?" "I'll sing it for you." "Buddha's Palm?" "Yeah, sure!" "Buddha's Palm?" "Still pretending!" "You can't do it!" "Don't believe me, asshole?" "No!" "Please don't strike your master." "Stop, I beg you!" "That's very touching." "I'll kill you first." "Baldy, you're worth nothing!" "Don't hit him!" "I'll admit it, I'm a demon." "I'm a demon." "My real form is a skeleton." "I conjured up the illusion of this village." "You need to hear her say it again?" "My beloved and I were waylaid by mountain brigands." "My love abandoned me and fled." "I was horribly abused." "The brigands raped me and left me to die." "I turned into a heap of bones." "But my grievances have never died." "In truth, I'm nothing but bones." "I'm sorry." "Heavens!" "Master is dead!" "We can forget those sutras!" "Hurray!" "Case closed!" "That's great!" "Minister that stupid monkey is no match for us." "He's even gobbled up his master." "See how Buddha rages in the western sky." "Shut up!" "I have a dream." "I want all the world's liars and monsters to show their true colours." "Felicity, no need to hide." "Come on, show yourself." "Your stratagem of sowing discord was smart." "I know you have true feelings for the monk." "You're following your heart my very own path to supreme wisdom." "So this is the legendary Monkey King?" "Cute!" "Like a banana?" "Here." "Fine, we can adopt him as our pet." "Why not!" "Six hands." "Right." "My turn!" "King of demons?" "All I did was cough and you were terrified." "I'm your new master." "You'd better obey me or you'll be spanked." "So you're finally revealing your foxtail." "My tail?" "No, I keep it well hidden." "Monk you're the one who stands exposed." "All that canoodling with skeleton-demon here...." "Worldly desires are back?" "Felicity hasn't lost her virtues." "I'll make it possible for her to reincarnate." "Your stratagem is to sow discord, but we have a counter-stratagem." "You thought we were fooled by Felicity." "You thought she could sow discord between Monkey and me." "But you underestimated Monkey's vision." "The skeleton-demon conjured up the village and we pretended to be fooled by it, as you hoped." "We tricked you into revealing yourself." "Minister I'll tell you one more thing." "I'm actually very wise!" "Wise?" "Comfort yourself with your illusions." "Let's see what you can do to me." "Strike!" "All right!" "Master, grasp my tail." "Felicity!" "Take care!" "Stay clear!" "I'm the Monkey King!" "Demon, you cannot flee!" "Bad monkey, he's such a stupid monk." "Is it worth dying for him?" "Master, she says you're stupid." "She knows you too well." "Don't listen to her, I'm very wise." "You can't go far." "Ward me off?" "You think you can?" "Monkey your nemesis is here!" "Buddha!" "Even Buddha is invited!" "Giving you real face!" "It's not possible." "It's an imposter." "Yep, looks like he's had a nose and chin job." "Monkey you've felt Buddha's power." "Come closer for the full effect!" "Fine, try my Anchoring Pole." "No wave swell can match the East Sea itself!" "Master, shelter in my earlobe." "Two Buddhas!" "Monkey." "Monkey!" "Immortal gold vulture you have cultivated yourself beside me yet you do not understand." "No wonder you spread sophistry in the world." "Lord Buddha I live for you." "I've been by your side for so many years." "But did you ever notice me?" "Say no more." "Immortal gold vulture, show your true self." "Let go!" "Try to stand, Felicity." "I will try to exorcise your demonic traits." "There's too much demon in me." "Even if you save me I can't be sure I won't harm humans again." "You conquer demons and I am a demon." "Free my soul." "She's right." "Her acrimony runs too deep, she has to burn." "Felicity...." "The greatest obstacle in the world is love." "She is always here in your heart." "She fills it." "If only I could remain as a trace in your memories I'll be content." "Don't look at me." "Clean up your own mess." "I don't want you saying I've killed your girl." "Let's go." "The truth is I really have fallen for you." "Do you like me at least a tiny bit?" "Sorry." "My heart has no space for anyone else." "I'm so silly, aren't I?" "I knew that but I still asked." "Felicity I'm going to send you on your way." "Don't take it so hard." "Master, we should talk." "Did you ever have feelings for Felicity?" "I'm asking you, did you ever have feelings for Felicity?" "Of course not!" "You're the only one in my heart." "Only me?" "Brother Monkey, your headband was once Miss Duan's." "The memory of her still haunts Master so he sometimes takes you for her." " You can see it in his smile, look!" " Impossible!" "Really?" "You don't trust even me?" "So did she ever touch your heart?" "Of course not, it's a meaningless question." "Did you really think I'd say yes?" "You women always ask the same question." "So you did, you lowlife!" "Lowlife!" "This can't go on, I'd better get back the headband." "Or she'll ask again." "What are you doing?" " Give back the headband." " Are you crazy?" "You gave it to me." "It doesn't suit you, it makes you look awful." "You should have said so, you can have it." "Hand it over!" "Why are you running off?" " I've given it to you." " No, you just said you would." " Right, I said I would." " But you haven't done so." "Haven't I?" "Are you sure?" "I'm sure!" "Believe me for once!" "Let's go." "Hang on, there's probably more after the credits." "No need to wait, there's no post-credits scene." "Be sure to take all your belongings." "Exit on the right side, thank you." "Hey, blockbusters always have a post-credits scene!" "This isn't a blockbuster so there isn't one." "I repeat it's not a blockbuster so there isn't one." "If this were a blockbuster there'd be one." "Subtitles Translated by:" "Will M"