"I wish I could tell you /that this was still America" "But I've come to realize that you /can't have a country without people" "And there there are no people here." "Stop!" "No my friends, this is now /the United States of Zombieland!" "It's amazing how quickly things /can go from bad to total shitstorm." "And why am I alive, when everyone /around me has turned to meat?" "It's because of my list of rules." "Rule No. 1 for /surviving Zombieland:" "Cardio" "When the virus struck, for obvious /reasons, the first ones to go were the fatties." "Poor fat bastard." "But as the infection /spread and the chaos grew," "it wasn't enough to /just be fast on your feet." "You had to get a gun /and learn how to use it." "Which leads me to my Second Rule:" "The double tap." "In those moments, when you're not /sure the undead are really dead-dead," "don't get all stingy /with your bullets." "I mean, one more /clean shot to the head" "and this lady could have /avoided becoming a human Happy Meal." "Would've, could've, should've." "It wasn't long before the /zombies began to get clever." "When you're at /your most vulnerable," "somehow they could just smell it." "Can't a guy take a dump here in peace?" "Don't let them catch you /with your pants down!" "Rule No. 3:" "Beware of bathrooms." "As zombies began /to outnumber humans," "that's when you had /to cut all emotional ties." "If the girls in your neighborhood /are now fucked up little monsters," "well maybe it's time /to stop driving carpool ." "You had to focus /on your own survival." "Which leads to Rule No. 4," "pretty basic:" "Fasten your seat belts," "it's gonna be a bumpy ride." "That guy down there is me." "I'm in Garlind, Texas, and it may look like /zombies destroyed it, but that's actually just Garlind." "Months since patient zero took" "a bite of a contaminated /burger at a Gas 'N Gulp." "Just two months and i might be the /last non-cannibal freak in the country." "I may seem like an unlikely survivor with /all my phobias and irritable bowel syndrome." "But I had the advantage of never /having any friends or any close family." "I survive, because I play /it safe and follow the rules." "My rules." "Rule No. 1 Cardio" "Shit" "Rule No. 1 Cardio" "Of course" "Rule No. 4 Seatbelts" "Motherfucker" "Rule No. 2 Double tap" "On the bright side, I /found a place to go number two." "Another rule to surviving /Zombieland:" "Travel light." "And I don't mean just luggage." "I've always been kind of a loner." "I avoided people like they were /zombies even before they were zombies." "Now that they are all zombies," "I kind of miss people." "So I'm on my from my college dorm /in Austin, Texas to Columbus, Ohio." "Where I'm hoping my /parents are still alive." "Even though we were /never really close." "It would just be nice /to see a familiar face," "or any face, that hasn't blood dripping /from it's lips and flesh between it's teeth." "Thank you." " What are you looking for?" " Nothing I just.." "I have this list." " No one back there with my duffel bag." " What's your name?" " Stop." "No names." "Keeps us from getting too familiar." " You must knock over your alcohol with your knife." " That's okay, you don't have to.." " Well, where are you headed?" " Columbus, you?" " Tallahassee." " More?" " No." "One for me." "One and done, I always say.." "I said that once." "You know, Tallahassee and Columbus are both.." "East." " So?" "So, Tallahasse, you wanna stick together?" "At least for a while?" " Here's the deal, Columbus." "I'm not easy to get along with and I'm sensing you're a bit of a bitch," "So I give this relationship to.. about Texarkana." " Really?" "Yeah." "Well take me as far as Texarkana." "You're a peppy little spit fuck, aren't you?" " You might wanna buckle up, you know, for safety." " I can tell already, you are gonna get on my nerves." "Even though teaming /up wasn't my style," "I figured I'd be /safer with Tallahassee." "You see he was in the ass-kicking business, and.." " Business is good." "It became quickly apparent, /however, that he did have one weakness." " What are we doing here?" " We're taking a look, it's a Goddamn Hostess truck." " Yeah I see that." "A Hostess truck." "So what?" " I could use a Twinkie." " Are you coming?" " Yes.." "Yeah, one second." " Are you fuckin' with me?" " No" "You should actually limber up as well." "Especially if we're going down that hill, is very important." " I don't believe in it." "Have you ever seen a lion limber up before it takes down a gazelle?" "Snowballs." " Yeah." "Snowballs!" "Where's the fucking twinkies?" " I like snowballs." " I hate coconut, not the taste, the consistency." " Fresh." " Well this Twinkie thing, it ain't over yet." " Hey!" "If were being back I'm about.." "I just take the browns to the Superbowl." " Really?" " Really." "I know.. "Again?" "!" "So soon?" What can /I say, I have a case of chronic anxiety." "I was always kind of phobic." "I found lots of things disturbing." "Like Undertow, or /department store Santas." "Being alone with a baby." "But the thing I fear more than /anything, yes, even more than zombies," "fucking clowns." "When you are afraid of /everything that's out there," "you quit going out there." "Which is what happened /to me before Zombieland." "Friday night, third /straight week indoors," "World Of Warcraft," ""Leaning Tower Of Pizza Boxes"," ""Code Red Mountain Dew"," "pride: nowhere, dignity:" "long gone, /virginity: totally justifiable to speculate on." " Smooth" "My whole life, All I ever /wanted was to find a girl." "And fall in love." "Bring /her home to meet the folks." "Then again, since my folks are a /couple of paranoid shut-ins like me," "maybe this girl could /bring me home to her folks." "And the I'd finally be a /member of a cool functional family." "Please!" "Anyone home?" "Please, it's an emergency!" "I don't usually unlock my /door to the sounds of panic," "but my neighbor of 406 is /insanely hot." " Okay, Okay." "Thank you, thank you.." " Nice to meet you." "Here" "Here you go." " Mountain Dew?" " Yeah, Code Red." "And here is some Gold Grams." "The Ziplock bag keep's 'em crisp." "So.. tell me what happened?" " He was homeless and.. sick." "And I was walking home from the bar talking on my phone, and then.. he just came sprinting towards me." "I mean not running, sprinting." "And then I thought, like, maybe he was running from someone, or after them." "The last time I saw him he was still out there going crazy." " Drugs maybe.." " I didn't even tell you the worst part." " Yeah?" " He tried to bite me." " You are right, that's the worst part." " Sorry, I'm just so scared." " No, no.. you should be scared." "A homeless man just tried to eat you." "that's like the right ind of scared." "That's reasonable scared." "You know I get scared for things that like, don't make sense at all." "like clowns with red noses, or like the rags they use to wipe down tables when you finish eating, like a chain restaurant." " Really?" " The point is, I'm here for you." "Ok?" "And as long as you're by my side, I am not leaving this apartment" " Do you mind if I just close my eyes for a minute?" " No, of course.." " Thank you." "Set aside the feverish, homeless /cannibal, I'm living the dream." "I had always, my whole life, wanted /to brush a girls hair over her ear." " Good night." " Good night." "Oh my God!" "Are you okay?" "Ok, ok.. stop.." "What are you doing?" "Look, stay back 406, ok?" "I don't wanna hurt you, but.." "Oh, shit." "Oh my God I am so fucking sorry." "You see, you just /can't trust anyone." "the first time I let a girl into /my life and she tries to eat me." "Listen to me, 406 if you're in there, you're just sick, ok?" "Rule 2 Double Strike" "That was my first brush with /the plague of the 21st century" "Remember mad cow disease?" "Well, mad cow became /mad person became mad zombie." "It's a fast acting virus that left you with a swollen /brain, a raging fever that made you hateful, violent," "and gave you a really, /really bad case of the munchies." " Alright, you steer, I'll push." " Okay." "There's a place that is untouched by all this crap." " Back east, yeah?" " Yeah, you heard the same thing?" " Out west we hear it's back east, back east they hear it's out west." "It's all just nonsense." "You know, you're like a penguin on the North Pole, hears the South Pole is really nice this time 'a year." " There are no penguins on the North Pole." " You wanna feel how hard I can punch?" "So what do you think?" "Wait, the last time I laid some pipe?" "The last time you went twenty toes, the percy in the playpen, wallpapered the closet, passed the gravy." "Went heels to Jesus." " Oh, made love." " Well, just, sex." "Three weeks ago, yeah." "In the back of an abandoned FedEx truck." " Shut up ...." "No, no, I was headed east, she west." "And we took shelter in the back of the truck." "Was full of undelivered packages." " What was her name?" " Beverly," "Beverly Hills" " You dog." " So, what about you?" "Me?" ", I.." "Oh my God." "It makes you sick." "Kind'a makes you sad, it makes you, makes you think if you could go back, to the way things were right now, you know, you'd be out in the back yard, you know, try to catch fireflies." "And instead, this." " I mean it makes you.." " Hungry." " I'm worried about you." " Look, whatever you have waiting' for you in Columbus," "I'll promise it ain't any prettier than our friend here enjoying her man-which." "Tallahassee had a sick sense /of humor when it came to zombies" "zombies aren't the most lovable /creatures, but he really hated them." "In fact the only thing he was more /obsessed with, than killing zombies," "was finding a Twinkie." "Something about a Twinkie /reminded him of a time not so long ago" "When things were simple /and not so fucking psychotic." "It was like if he got a taste /of that comforting childhood treat," "the world would become innocent again /and everything would return to normal." " Pretty prospecting." "Jesus Christ!" "You're a dangerous man." "You're gonna risk our lives for a Twinkie?" " There is a box of Twinkies in that grocery store, not just any box of Twinkies," "The last box of Twinkies that anyone will enjoy in the whole universe." "Believe it or not, Twinkies have an expiration date." "Someday very soon, life's little twinkle gage is gonna go empty." "Time to nut up or shut up." "When Tallahassee /goes Hulk on a zombie," "he sets the standard /for not to be fucked with." "No fear, nothing to lose." "What can I say, it's like Art." " You got a purdy mouth!" "Don't swing!" "Don't swing!" "Swing!" " Thank you." " You owe me." " You're incredible." " I know." " Twinkie, Twinkie, Twinkie" " Oh, oh.. big hoss." "Come here big fella, just gonna take a little off the top." " Wow, these fellas really let themselves go." " And they're so fat." "I think we should probably just keep going." "All I could think of /was "What are the odds?"." "Another marriageable woman /to bring home to the folks." " Come quick." "Someone's ear is in danger /of having hair brushed over it" " I'll catch up." "Rule No. 22" "When in doubt, know your way out." " They're sisters." "The little one's been bit, and, you know, try not to freak her out." "Columbus, Wichita, Litle Rock" " So you did all this for a Twinkie?" "Oh, no, no.. he did." "I'm just kind of like a Sancho Panza character." " Look, I don't think she has long." " I know, I know." "And she knows, we're just looking for a way out." " No, no, no, she's just a little girl." " Don 't talk about me like I'm not here." " Alright, sorry." " Look, i know that you're really sick, but" " your sister wants me to.." " It's not her decision, okay, It's mine." "I made a promise" "We already said goodbye, but we didn't have a gun." " We don't know that there's definitely no cure, right, I mean.." " You're just gut-less!" "Give him the gun." " Wait, wait.." "I'll do it." " I love you." " Love you too." " You need some help?" " Now that you mention it," "We'll take your weapons, your car keys, your ammunition." " And if you got it, sugarless gum." " What the fuck.." " Wait, why are you guys doing this?" " Well, better you make the mistake of trusting us, than we make the mistake of trusting you." "Of course the first hot girl /in a thousand miles shows up," "makes me feel like an idiot, /steals my double barrel" "and says I'm the one /that can't be trusted." " Nice going, genius." " You're the one that gave her the gun." " Those guys were dumb." " Avoid the vanity mirror." " Relax ok, I just passed for a zombie." " What I'd give for a show.." " Do not say s-h-o-w-e-r, okay." "Let's just get where we're going." " So do you think it's true?" " Is what true?" " [rumors] about Pacific Playland." "Only place west of Waco." "Trust me." " So he's on one of the serious Tour 'de France bikes, you know with the, like the toeholds, right, and he's peddling, and the zombies head is, like, caught in the gear," "you know with the hair in the chain just, like, going around." " Very cool." "But.." "Zombie-kill of the week.. no sir." "I saw this construction worker, I shit you not, he is on a steam roller and the zombie goes down in front of me.." "Ever roll a tube of tooth paste up from the bottom?" " Yeah I always roll it up from the bottom." " Yeah" "Zombies head is the cap." " Wait are you one of these guys that tries to, like, wonder if everybody else has a story?" " No." "I know a guy way worse at that than me." " Let's just try to find a car." " Which reminds me." "I never had headaches like this 'til your ass came on board." "I mean do what you want with a man, but do not fuck with his Cadillac." " Hey there's a nice minivan." " Oh, yeah it is nice." "That's a beautiful van." "Tallahassee firmly believes that /you have to blow off steam in Zombieland," "or else you lose /what's left of your mind." "Well, if it makes him happy and /keeps him from using that crowbar on me," "Then I say "Hey, go waste shit"." " I want my Caddie back." "Stupid little bitches." "Oh, I think I pulled something." "You think there's two of us smart enough to come home with a car like that?" "You hesitated." "Would it be better to be smart, or lucky?" "Look at what we got here." "Come on." " It's nice." " Smell the finger?" "Thank God for rednecks." "This is a really big truck and these are really big guns." " Take your time." " You know they say "He who seeks revenge should remember to dig two graves"." " Right two graves." "One for the big chick, one for the little chick." " You are scary happy." "Come on, why don't we just forget about those girls and head home." " Oh you wanna talk about home." "For me home, was a puppy named Buck, cutest dog ever." "All those fucking zombies." "I lost him." "There ain't no getting him back, so" "I am looking for a new home." "Tomorrow maybe, skinny dipping in the Yellowstone River, swing from the chandeliers in the Playboy Mansion, but today, a vortex six fucking liter V8, a box full of ... and Lord willin', a GD Twinkie." "Gotta enjoy the little things." "I hate to give credit to anyone /who looks like your Samity Sam," "but I'm writing it down." "Rule No. 32 Enjoy the little things" "Wait here." "Drive down if I signal." " You're not gonna shoot them, are you?" " Unless the shoot me." "Oh, let's hope they shoot me." "Probably headed west." "Just drive slow, keep your eyes peeled." "They're in the back, aren't they?" " Just me." " I'm really sorry." "She was like a crouching tiger." " You got taken hostage by a twelve year old?" "Well, girls mature faster than boys." "She is way ahead of where I was at that age." " Twelve's the new twenty." "Gun please." " Like you would ever use it.." "Don't kill me with my own gun." " All those violent video games." " Thank you." "Now honk your horn." " What?" " Honk it." " Oh, there's your sister, that's my gun." "Hello." " Bummer." "Now step away from the vehicle." "You get to ride shotgun" "I kinda like this girl." "She's not your typical /hot, stuck up bitch." "Even before Zombieland, Wichita /was running the table on guys like us." " What are you looking for?" " My engagement ring." " I took it off to pump my gas and I thought I had it in my purse, but it must've fallen out." "And I'm late for my flight.." " Listen, I'll find your ring and I'll FedEx it to you." " I'll give you a reward" " Do not be silly." " Three-thousand dollars." "It's worth more than my car." " Just, just give me your number." "I'll find it." "Yeah I'll start looking for it right now." "Cause I got nothing else to do." "I was engaged once, but I'm single now." "Bye" "Hope you make your flight." "I know it's around here somewhere, she's on a plane, that's the beauty of it." "Let me call you back." "Hey, you found my ring." "Thanks, I've been looking all over for it." " Your ring?" " It was my friend's." "I'm gonna send it to her." " Do I get a reward?" " 40, 60, 80, 400, That's it." "That's the whole register." "You made someone very happy." " You too." " How many left?" " Let me see." "Enough for us to get to California." "Someday I want a ring this big." " For the low price of 30 bucks, sold." "It's amazing how far you can get with some /costume jewelry and a cut-throat attitude." "I guess we're just lucky they /didn't leave us by the side of the road." " Thank you Wichita, Thanks Little Rock." " Hey for fuck's sake, enough already, we're being chased by ravenous freaks." "We don't have enough problems?" ""Oh, they stole my Hummer", "We have trust issues"." "Now get over it, okay, we can't just fucking drive down the road playing I-spy, or some shit for two hours, like four normal-ass Americans?" "Fuck me!" "I know" "Let me be the mature one." " So" "Where are you guys headed." " "Pacific Play Land"" " The amusement park?" " Wait, outside LA?" " Yeah, we went there as kids." " That place totally blows.." "my mind." "It's so fun." "Just good entertainment for the whole family." " Yeah actually I went there as a kid too." "In fact this probably counts as off season." " Well, did you guys hear?" "There are no zombies there" " Yeah, we heard." "You know what, I may not shoot you, but you still royally piss me off." "And I'm not going to play with you at Pacific Playland." " Don't worry he grows on you." " Really?" " No, it's worse." " Okay." "How about we play the quiet game?" "Yeah?" "Starting now." " Oh, I've actually been meaning to ask you." "Did you hear anything about Columbus, Ohio?" " You've heard of the quiet game?" " Sorry." "No?" "Well they're playing it in Columbus, ohio." "It's a total ghost town, burned to the ground." " You're Columbus." "I'm sorry." "I didn't realize it was.." "I'm not sure what's more tragic," "That my family is gone," "or the realization that I had /never much of a family to begin with." "Either way I can't pretend /that whatever I'm looking for," "I'll find by going home." "I have no home." " We can, give you a ride." "You can go, see for yourself, or settle somewhere new." "I could tell she /knew what I was feeling." "We are all orphans in Zombieland." "I know this Pacific Playland thing is nuts, but, it's been so long since she got to be a kid." " It's tough growing up in Zombieland." " It's tough growing up." "There, you can take that truck." "Well, I, hope you find whoever it is you're looking for." "And don't let go, once you do." "It wasn't just because /i had nowhere else to go." "It was cause in that /moment it became clear." "Wherever this girl was," " that's where i wanted to be." " Man we're gonna have to pull over soon." "I'm feeling cooped up." "Wantamiro Wampum, Yeah that'll work." " Okay but what the hell are we doing?" " Just humor him, trust me." " Hold on." " Who wants to go first?" "I really, really /wanna impress Wichita," "but it would be a direct violation of /Rule 17, maybe the most important of all," "Don't be hero." " Why don't you take this one." " Don't mind if I do." "What do you think?" "Zombie kill of the week?" "Close, but no cigar." "Zombie kill of the week goes /to sister Cynthia Knickerbocker." "Poor flat bastard." " Perfume?" " What?" " Is that perfume?" " It's cologne." " I'm thinking:" ""Lanco Magnifique"" " Why don't you speak up, they might've missed it in Santa fe." " Oh my God." "You're thinking about fucking Wichita." "Wish granted." "She spent the last 24 hours fucking us both." "Good luck now Petunia." " Ok, let me begin my three-part apology by saying that I think you're a wonderful human with great potential.." " Fyi:" "I beat wholesale ass for a lot less than that." " I'm sure" " You get 45% power." " Thank you." "Come on, break another one." "Nice!" "Doesn't that feel good." "Sometimes Tallahassee's right." "You gotta enjoy the little things." "Even if that means destroying /a whole lot of little things." " What smells like perfume?" " You don't know who Willie Nelson is?" " No." " Willie Nelson." " Yeah, no, I don't." " Yeah I shave every mooring but sometimes by like 4:30 I have a thing..[rambling]" " Since this is a freeway." "You can get it up to 65, but you don't wanna go more than 75." " You don't wanna go more than 20." " Do not worry about it." "Blind spots, blind spots are for other drivers." " So do you never strap in or just, when on road trips?" " It's just, you know, there's zombies everywhere." "I think the least of my worries is.." " Yeah that's true." "..seat belts." " Yes but no, she's not." "She's only famous when she's Hannah Montana, when she's wearing the wig." " Okay, right." " So.." " This is kind of freeing." " Yeah." "For the first time in a long time," "we were having fun." "So even though it ran counter /to our survival strategies," "we decided to stay together /as far as Pacific Playland." " You know I think sleep deprivation is like the number one health problem in America." "No, I think it moth be number two." " Number two.." " That's adorable." " I'm just saying we should find a place to crash." " Oh, I got an idea." "We're in Hollywood, let's sleep in style." "Grab a map." " Come on." " Hurry." " It seems like everyone who has ever been in a movie lives on this block." " What exactly do you think we're doing in the 90210 Sally?" " I kind of pictured Tom Cruise living somewhere nicer." " B.." "lister compared to who I got in mind folks." "We are going to the Tipi Top of the A-list." " Who?" " You'll see." " Hey, here's a big BM." " It ain't Bob Marley." " This place is incredible." " Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to La Menzion de Murray." " Oh, Bill Murray" " God, no way." "This guy has a direct line to my funny bone I mean every.." " Boy, who's Bill Murray?" " I have never hit a kid before, but I mean that's like asking who Gandhi is." " Who's Gandhi?" " She's twelve." " No Twinkies." " Shit Bob." " See?" "I told you we should've gone to Russel Crowe's." "No one listens to me." " Hello, inside voices, okay?" " At least until we know we are alone." " Hey Tallahassee, Wichita why don't you take that way." "Little Rock come here." " Why do I get stuck with her?" " It doesn't seem to end." "Hey come here." " He has his own movie theatre?" " Ok, I'm gonna teach you a little something about Bill Murray." " The king slept right here." " Dibs on the bed." " Too soft for me anyway." " Oh, this is so exciting, you're about to learn who you're gonna call." "Ghostbusters." " It is pretty catchy." "Help me with the boots, come on." "Help me with the boots." "Ok, I'll get 'em myself." " Bill Murray, you're a zombie?" " You're not a zombie, you're talking." "You're okay." " The hell I am." " I'm sorry, I didn't know that it was you-you." " Are you.." "What's with the, the get up?" "Oh, I do it to blend in, you know zombies don't mess with other zombies." "Buddy of mine, make-up guy, showed how to do this." "Corn starch, you know some berries, a little liquish for the ladies." "It suits my lifestyle." "You know I like to get out and do stuff." "Just played nine holes at the Riviera, just walked on, nobody there." " Goddamn it, Bill fucking Murray." "I had to get that out." "I don't mean to gush." "This is so surreal, I mean." "You probably get this all the time,well, maybe not lately, but I'm such a huge fan of yours." "I've seen everyone of your movies a million times." "I even love your dramatic roles, everything." "Six people left in the world, one of them is Bill fucking Murray." "I know that's not your middle name." "I've been watching you since i was like.. since I could masturbate, not that they're connected." "You know "A former greenskeeper about to become the master champion."" " That's why we do it." " I love you Bill, I love you." " Thank you." " You are staring at me, it's a hairpiece it's a.." " Sorry, it's just that you look remarkably like Eddy Van Halen." " I Just saw Eddy Van Halen." " Really?" " Yeah." " Where?" " At the Hollywood bowl." " Well, how was it?" " He's a zombie" " That's a tough break." " So how about a little west coast hospitality." "Can I get you something?" "What would you like?" "[Blue Oyster Cult - Don't Fear The Reaper]" " Smooth, isn't it?" " Oh hurry, hurry he's on the ceiling." "Come get him." "Oh.." " Light 'em up Murray." " See you on the other side Pete." " You're so disgusting." " Don't cross the streams." " I don't wanna cross.." " Don't cross the streams!" " "35 feet long, weighing approximately 600 pounds" - "That's a big Twinkie"" " Your sister's single, right?" "There's nothing long-distance or anything." " No." " Good, good." "And if she had, like, a type - if you can have a type - what would that be?" " She kinda goes for, like, bad boys." " Really?" " Yeah." " That's cool." " So Columbus is the scared one?" " Yeah, he's like a little bunny." " I'll get him." "Watch this." " It's okay, it's okay." "I got him." "Is that how you say hello where you come from?" "Oh my God, Oh my God I can't believe I shot Bill Murray." "Mr. Murray?" "Just Bill I think now." " Bill?" " Yeah?" " I don't think we're gonna be able to stitch this." " Ow, that's still tender." " You think you might pull through?" " No." " If it means anything now I am so sorry." "It was just instinctive." " It was my bad." "I was never a very good practical joker." " So do you have any regrets?" ""Garfield", maybe." " I'm sorry, he just gets me." "But it still is sad." " Yeah." " Sorry." "One second" " It's a double-barrel so.." "Okay." "3,2,1" " You guys want some caramel?" " Yes." " Oh Free parking, which coincidentally is the best thing about Zombieland." " No, best thing about Z-land:" "No Facebook status updates." "You know "Rob Curtis is gearing up for Friday"." "Who cares." " The best thing is no more flushing, epic." " And worst thing?" "About Z-land?" " You mean other than the fact that I shot Bill Murray?" " That's easy." " Losing Bob." " That's his puppy." " I tell you, I never thought I could love anything like Bob" "The day he was born I just lost my mind." " Sorry." "He had my personality, my laugh, my appetite," "Laugh?" "And that's when it hit me. i felt /so ashamed that it had taken me this long." "Me with the best card in the business to /realize I wasn't the only one running from something." " We made this wallet together out of Duct Tape." "Take away a man's son, you've /truly given him nothing left to lose." " I haven't cried like that since Titanic." "A hint?" "Why don't you exhale slowly, then squeeze the trigger." " Don't make me drink alone." " Okay." " It 1997, "Gor Gorgeous"" " I never took French." "Gorgeus day what the hell?" " It's a 97?" " Yeah." " Was that a good year?" " Oh my God." "It was a great year, are you kidding me?" ", I saw my first R- rated movie that year." "Anaconda." " Oh, Anaconda." " First tattoo, a purpoise." " Really?" " Fake." " First kiss." "Scotty Lynch" " Did you guys.. use tongue?" " Maybe." " Are you jealous of Scotty Lynch?" " Yes, I am." " Actually I think I'm jealous of your whole 1997." " Let's see mine." "First orthodontist." "The bastard gave me head gear." " I got my first B." " Oh no." " Frightening, as Anaconda" "Woodshop, which doesn't really count as a class anyway." "Had my first school dance." "I was Sadie Hawkins.." "girls choice." " What nobody picked you?" " Iz was girls choice." " Those bitches!" " I know." "No, I will not stand for this, you know what?" "On behalf of all the eight-grade girls," "I would like you to make it up to you." "Relax, Scotty's old news." "I don't even know your name, but this is actually really nice." " You know?" "Between you, me and" "You're actually kind of cute." " You think so?" " I mean you got the guts of a guppy, but" "I could hit that." " Really?" " I'll at least give you the intentional walk to first." " Hey little help movin' a couch." "We're making a fort." " That was probably for the best, cause" "I like you, Columbus, but my sister and I are going to do whatever it takes to survive so.." "I was hoping Wichita /was just playing hard to get," "but I realized that she had /more trust issues than I did." "When I woke up the next /day and she was leaving." " You are like a giant cock-blocking robot, developed in a secret fucking government lab." " I can't believe I almost kissed him." "What's our rule?" " Trust no one, just you and me." " Just you and me." " Yeah, you and me." " You have just survived the zombie apocalypse and drove halfway across the country." " Where are you gonna go?" " I'm going to Pacific Playland." "Woo." "Open Sesame." "This is the problem with /getting attached to someone." "When they leave you just feel lost." "Having Tallahassee around didn't /comfort me, it just made me feel more alone." " Hey, you weren't exactly gonna score anyway." " You weren't storming' the trenches before I came along." "That's why I don't let people close, you only get burned." " You don't say." "Mexico, you know what they call Twinkies in Mexico?" "Los Submerinos." "That's where I'm headed amigo." " Whatever." " I'm going after Wichita." " You ever read that book "She's just not that into you"?" " You can't make yourself too available." " I don't care, alright I wanna be with her." "Have fun in Mexico." "Come on!" "Hurry!" " Get in!" " Come on, come on!" " Come on, come on!" " On the count of three." "One, two, three." "Are you okay?" "Come on." "Hurry, get up." " Come on, let's go." " There!" " I'm not great at farewells so.. that'll do pig." " That's the worst goodbye I have ever heard and you stole it from a movie." " Tell the ladies I said hey." " You know there are pictures of her in someones wallet too." " Hop in the car Evel Knievel." "Let's go ride the roller coaster." " Thanks." " Go!" " Not as fun as I remember." " Shoot the control box." " Columbus." " Tallahassee." " I think they might actually require our hard assistance this time." "Buckle up." " I'm wide ahead of you." " Time to nut up or shut up." " Holy shit." " My mama always told me, someday I'll be good at something." "Who'd have guessed that something'd be zombie killing'." " Look!" " We better start working on our apology." " Up here!" " Oh my God!" " They're up there, they're okay." " What are you waiting for?" " It's your gal." " Come on!" " Come get a piece of Tallahassee!" " Anybody hungry?" "Tallahassee-nice over here." "Come on, come on you ugly bastards." " Holy Shit!" " Holy Shit!" " Shit, I'm out of shells." " Here we go." " Wichita!" "Little Rock!" "Oh my God" "Look at this fucking clown." "Of course, it had to be a clown." "No, it had to be a clown." "And it had to be Wichita /for me to finally understand" "that some rules /are made to be broken." "Time to nut up or shut up." "Fuck this clown." " Thanks." "Wichita" " Christa." " Ok, we should probably head out, now." " Finally he got to first base." "Not bad for that scrawny little spit-fuck." " Where is [Tallahassee]" " I have a little hunch." " Where are you you spongy yellow delicious bastards?" "Where are you?" " False advertising!" " Jesus Christ." " You want a Sno-Ball or something?" " Oh God!" "Words cannot express.." " It's too soon." " Do you think you can, maybe, just pick out the Buckshot and just kind of eat around it?" " No!" "No!" " No!" "That face." "That's me /realizing that those smart girls" "in that big black truck" "and that big guy in /that snakeskin jacket" "they were the closest to something i /had always wanted, but never really had." "A family." "I trusted them and they trusted me." "Rule No. 32 Enjoy the little things" "Tallahassee got his Twinkie" "and even though life will /never be simple or innocent again," "as he savored that /spongy yellow log of cream," "we had hope, we had each other." "And without other people, /you might swell be a zombie." " Thank you so much" " You had us going." "So until next time remember:" "Cardio, seat belts" "and this really has nothing to do with /anything, but a little sunscreen never hurt anybody." "I'm Columbus, Ohio, from /Zombieland saying:" "Good night."