"Hey, get going soon." "And then Ken and I ran around the corner straight into the two cops who just dropped..." "Oh, you didn't!" "Mm-hm." "And then we were, butt-naked, being arrested by the same two cops twice in the one night." "Twice!" "Sorry. guys" "Can I start to clear those for you?" "Go ahead." "So Ken's telling them the reason we're naked and roaming the streets is because someone broke into our house, stole all our clothes, and we're chasing after him." "And the cop says, what did he look like?" "Who?" "Come on, keep up." "The one who stole our clothes." "So Ken says, fuck, mate." "I didn't see him." "I was too busy banging your sister." "But I was woken up at 4:00 in the morning by the police asking if I want to bail my husband out, and can I bring some undies?" "It was the best damn funeral I've ever been to." "Oh!" "If I got a call from the police telling me Steve was naked..." "You'd be running down there!" "Yeah." "No, no. no, no." "No, I'd leave him there." "You would not." "I would!" "I have a feeling that Steve would be A-OK with that one, eh?" "I'd pay for it." "Quit being such a classy guy." "I'm off." "Got recording in the morning." "I've got a recording in the morning." "Oh, darling." "Shit, where are my keys?" "How is the old game show going, anyway?" "Great!" "How you doing?" "Jeremy." "Good." "Morning, Bob." "Morning, Steven." "Well, fuck me." "Thirty minutes early." "I just wanted to make sure I'm not holding anyone up." "Yeah, well, if you gave a rat's ass every other day," "I wouldn't have an ulcer as big as Bigfoot's balls, now, would I?" "Now, that is gross, boss." "But I still love you." "See you in 30." "Uh, 29." "Ethan, how's my favorite intern today?" "29!" "27!" "A bit wasted, actually..." "Hey, if that's a message to your boyfriend," "I'm going to be very jealous." "I'm sending a text to my mom." "Ah." "Well, what kind of message do you send to the boys, then?" "OK, sweetheart, you have my number." "I'd love to read your prose sometime." "You are beautiful, aren't you'?" "Oops, sorry." "Welcome back to the show, where we have" "Mrs. Elspeth Zonti on , getting ready to play for the $100,000 question." "So, uh, Elspeth, welcome to the show." "What are you doing back-Do you have a job?" "Yes, I decorate special and wedding cakes." "Oh, so you invent your own original designs?" "I do." "What kind of wedding cake would you bake me?" "Isn't she sweet, ladies and gentlemen?" "Are you thinking of getting married?" "I'll put it this way, you never know what disasters the future may hold." "So Elspeth, are you ready to play for the question that could land you $100,000?" "Now, how can you be talking to me and on TV at the same time?" "Right, the wonders of television." "Again?" "Can't we... can't we just stay in?" "All right." "Yup." "OK." "Steve." "Nothing." "It's all right." "Bye." "We'll be right back!" "What's the specials tonight?" "Ah, tonight we have a filet." "It comes with, stuffed with caviar, a sour cream sauce, and roasted capers." "Well, that sounds like it's for me." "Alex, what would you like?" "Isn't there something simple?" "Ah, well, there's the baby lamb sir." "It comes with the avanti blanc and the jus de poire." "What is that'?" "It's a bit like a hot pot." "Right." "That'll do." "And... and the usual oysters to start with, shall we?" "Oysters'?" " Yeah." "Frisky." "You know, we could eat at home if we ate at home." "That makes no sense." "Have you noticed we don't have a home?" "What we have is a pleasure wonderland." "Pleasure wonderland?" "What are you talking about, Alex?" "We have a beautiful home." "It's an apartment, not a home." "We're building a beautiful house on the beach." "Yeah, I know we're building, Steve, but... thanks." "Look, I know we're building." "But how does that make this different than how we're living now?" "Why?" "You want to nest?" "Yes." "Yeah, I want to nest." "Well, you know, I want a nest." "Don't you?" "Nesting sounds so old and boring, Alex." "I'm not talking about wearing matching track suits and watching "M A S H" all day." "I'm talking about having a home..." "I like "M A S H."" "I'm talking about having a home, OK?" "Like a proper home, and actually living in it." "What?" "Nothing." "What?" "Don't panic." "Fuck it." "I have to keep the fans happy." "Shit." "Hey, girls!" "Aren't they sweet?" "Yeah." "Too funny." "Fuck off." "Don't be like that." "Can we please get the fuck out of here?" "What do you mean, go somewhere else?" "No, I mean-I mean go home." "It's not our home, Alex." "It's an apartment." "Oh, come on." "You know what I mean, just get a movie, get some Thai." "Just you and me at our place?" "Look, what's the problem'?" "I want more, Steve." "All right?" "I want to feel like that we're a family and that we're not just fucking around here." "We're building a house from the ground up on the beach." "Now, that seems..." " Yeah, I want... a little bit more than fucking around to me, don't you think, Alex?" "I want something real." "Well, this is not going to be made out of fucking LEGOs." "Not just about the house, Steve." "Well, what the... what the fuck is it about?" "Huh?" "You tell me." "Waiter." "Would you like a drink?" "No." "Two glasses of wine, please." "Red." "One." "Can you get me a bottle?" "Hey, you want to watch something?" "No." "I'll leave it to you." "Well, good morning." "Good morning." "Are we ready to get excited?" "If you're offering." "Whoo-hoo!" "We found the ideal site." "Where?" " Down by Ocean Grove." " Coffee time!" " Ocean Grove?" " Yeah, it's perfect." "What's wrong with that?" "Well, it's his money." "Uh, here we go." "Cafe latte for you." "Thank you." "And a flat white for you, sir." "Thank you, sir." "Now, there's... there's something I really want." "Ah, the SM room." "All black, leather harness, porn, mirrors on the ceiling." "Oh yeah, that's... that's funny." "No, I'm being serious." "OK, we're listening." "I want a nursery." " Um..." " He means a." "No, no, no." "No, I mean a nursery." "Yeah?" " Yeah, easy." "Easy." "Everyone should have a nursery." "Um, yeah." "Uh' easy, easy." "Look, um, yeah, we could... we could put one here, on the south side, overlooking the herb garden." "You get that... that morning light..." "Morning sun, yeah." "Yeah, yeah, yeah, beautiful." "With its own bathroom here here, and some sort of... um-can you put in a rec room, like there?" "Um, well, yeah." "I mean, you see the overhang." " Yeah." "If we knock that down..." "Whoa, hey. guys" "We should think about this before we start knocking down walls." "Don't you think, Alex?" "Mm, oh, shit, actually." "I've got another meeting in about half an hour." "So I'd better, um, take off." "I will be free all day tomorrow, Steven, so, um, give me a buzz, all right?" " Thanks" "See you later." "Was I supposed to know?" "When were you going to tell me?" "OK." "How would you feel, right, about expanding this?" "A baby?" "Yes, a baby." "Alex, are you out of your fucking mind?" "What, do you want to get me pregnant?" "Come on, Steve..." "Do... do you want me to get you pregnant?" "Alex, it doesn't fucking work..." "I want a family." "I want to be a family." "You know, why shouldn't we bring up a child?" "It's not a question of should or shouldn't." "It's a question of can or can't." "And I... we can't conceive." "So that leaves one other thing, and that's adoption." "Society is changing." "Well, laws aren't!" "Yeah, but Steve, we're..." "We're two responsible people with great income..." "I know it's fucked, Alex, but that still doesn't change the fact that they only give babies to husbands and wives." "And how do we prove anything about our relationship?" "I mean, it will be years before they change their laws-years." "I'd give up anything, anything." "I'd give up my job if I had to." "I want to be a dad, you know?" "I'm ready." "This would change everything." "Hey, hey." "I know." "But you need to make an appointment to see a consultant, and of course, to bring your partners." "We are a couple." "Yes, but you need to bring your partners, of course." "The consultant won't see singles, and your partners will need to bring proof of the relationship, be it marriage or de facto." "We take wedding certificates, bank records, things like that." "Yeah, I don't think you understand..." "We'll also need proof of entitlement, meaning wills, so in the event of your death, your wife will get the car, boat, house, et cetera." "Superannuation statement showing benefactor, life insurance policy showing benefactor." "So if you just want to read over the books, you know, it's got all the info there." "Uh, let me explain." "I'm... all right-I'm Alex Thomson, and this..." "This is Steven Evans." "On!" "I knew I'd seen you before!" "You're on TV." "Steven Evans, "Guess What."" "Yes, that's right." "So you and your partner..." "Is it your wife..." "You want an adoption." "Well, we could find you a foster child straight away, but adoption's a long, long wait." "We can, of course, arrange an IVF consultation..." "No, no, nothing like that." "No, I didn't think you would." "No." "Look, I'll tell you what." "I can, um, squeeze you in first thing" "Friday morning with Dr. Zekey." "Have you heard of Dr. Zekey?" "I haven't..." ""Zee-kee."" "He's very good." "This application, it... it's quite confidential, isn't it?" "Oh. yes!" "I mean, the media's so..." "Intrusive?" "Of course!" "Look, it's totally confidential." "No need to make an appointment just yet." "Hey, hey, hey..." "How about... why?" "Why can't we make an appointment just yet?" "Well, it's really more for my friend here, you see." "Friend?" "Friend?" "Yeah, I'm his friend." "What's wrong?" "Nothing." "I just can't sleep." "Why don't you come back to bed?" "I told you." "I can't sleep." "What the fuck?" "What?" "There's someone taking photos of me, of the building." "What?" "Yeah, look, right there." "There's someone taking photos." "Alex, just stay here." "I'll go." "Hey!" "What are you doing, you fucking creep?" "Fuck you, I'm not doing anything wrong." "Why are you running away for, then?" "Huh?" "'FUCK you!" "Fuck it." "What?" "Well, here we are, building-building a..." "Oh, can you behave?" "Can you actually walk normal, please?" "Excuse me." "Excuse me, what..." "What's your name?" " Uh, Brett." " Brett?" "All right." "I'm Alex." "How are you doing?" " Good." "How's it all going?" "Like, how far away do you think we are from... from moving in?" "Eh, right now, almost for lock up, so..." "Yep." "Your feet... you've got very nice calves." "Is it... do you..." " Are you serious?" " No, you do!" "Are you commenting on my calves?" "Yeah!" "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "You do." "I mean, I'm just-— I'm just saying, like you must..." "Do you work out outside this, or is this sort of the job that..." "Uh, I play footy, so..." "Oh, you play football?" "Yeah, yeah." "With lots of guys..." "This our view." "Our view." "It's a good spot." "It's a great spot." "Wait, what do I say..." "You head's in the way." "Listen, Ocean Grove will be a great spot." "You were right." "Come on, say something." "Come on, this is, uh..." "This is your project." "Come on, tell us a little bit about it." "For developing these plans, we thank you for doing this, because we couldn't have..." "Thank you guys for paying me so much..." "Kiss... kiss the camera." "I've grossly overcharged you..." "I'm not kissing the camera." "Tell us how much you love this project by kissing the camera." "We want to see commitment!" "OK, all right!" "Alex, you're going to have to design those bathrooms quickly." "One in white, and one pink for the baby." "Alex!" "You know how my designs are in demand." "Originality..." "And imagination linked with practicability." "Yeah, yeah." "Yeah, this is nothing to do with design." "It's to do with legality and gender." "Yeah, well, our gender is our design, and we have a design problem." "Look, all we have to do is find some way to make our money more important to these people than our design." " What'!" "Yeah." "You want to bribe the adoption agency?" "Well, I want to make it worth their while." "This isn't fucking television, Alex!" "You-— you can't offer them a price and expect to make a deal." "And have you even thought whether or not you'll love the baby?" "Of course I'll love the baby, Steve." " Will you?" " Yes." "You... you expect just to look at a baby and say, I love you?" "Yes." "Because I don't think I could do that, just look at a baby and go, I love you, you're my child." "You're being fucking ridiculous!" "No amount of money is going to change the fact that officially and legally, we're not a couple." "Listen, I told Ajay you're a solid worker and that he should move you up the ranks a little." "Really?" "Yeah, of course, really." "I told you I'd look after you." "It's not going to happen overnight." "It may take a little while to get moving." "But I'm onto it." "Now get the fuck out of here." "Go on." "Come on, slow poke." "Oh, shut up." "Mr. Competition." "Nice running style." "Shut up!" "What's that?" "Nothing." "Give us a look." "Nothing." "Give... give it here." "" If you're interested in the family, but can't conceive," "Well, that sounds about right, doesn't it?" "Dreamland." "You know, babies manufactured to your choice, just pay us a billion dollars." "No, no, no, look, she wants to put up her baby for adoption." "She's flogging her baby on the internet, Alex." "Oh, just give it to me." "She wants to put up her baby for adoption privately." " Don't sugarcoat it." " I'm not sugarcoating anything!" "It's either that or it's a fucking scam." "Will you just try this with me?" "Alex, it won't work." "It won't work'?" "No." "Oh, it won't work?" "All right, well then, prove it to me." "Prove to me this won't work, because I'm ready for this." "Fine." "Fine?" "But when this doesn't work, you agree to stop." "All right?" "This is it." "If... if this doesn't work, then we're done." "We tried our best, but it's over." "Agreed?" " If?" " If." "If." "She's late." "It's only three minutes, she may have got the wrong place." "Do you think that was her?" "No, she doesn't have a dog with her, does she?" "No, she doesn't have a dog with her, but she doesn't have a baby with her either." "Look, I..." "I don't think she's going to show, Alex." "Fuck it, let's go." " No!" "No, I'm staying." "All right." "You stay, I'm going." "Steve, just..." "Excuse me?" "Yes?" "I'm looking for a little white dog." "A dog-dog?" "Yeah, a little white dog." "Are you Nancy, or...?" "Yeah." "Where's your partner?" "Uh, she couldn't make it, but I brought a friend instead." "This is..." "Hi, I'm Chris." "Yeah." "What-uh, wait, please!" " I've got to go." " Wait, wait." "Please, please, please!" "Where's... where's your wife, or your girlfriend, or whatever?" "Look, let's just sit down and have a coffee." "Look, it's a bit..." "It's a bit complicated, but I'll explain everything." "Please." "OK." "But I can't stay long." "I've got to get to." "I'll explain everything." "I've really got to go, because I've got to get to..." "That's OK, that's OK." "Look, um..." "Chris is..." "I'm his partner." "Yeah." "Look... no!" "Please, please, just sit down." "Please just listen." "One minute, one coffee." "OK'?" "I've really got to get more, they can't get me in before 4:00." "All right, all right." "Um, I'll get the coffees." "Cappuccino, latte, macchiato" "Hot chocolate?" "Long black, short black?" "What will it be?" "A scone." "A scone?" "Two scones." "All right, two scones." "Thanks." "Please, sit." "Must be great to have a baby." "I haven't got it yet." "Oh, she's... she's away, or... something?" "No, you just can't see it, not yet." "Why?" "I'm pregnant." "Pregnant?" "Yeah." "Pregnant." "I just-I don't understand." "I mean..." " What, why?" " Why?" "Why. why..." "Yes." "Why I put the ad up?" "Yes." "Why I wanted to sell it'?" "'Cause I've got no money and nowhere to fucking go, that's why." "So I could sell it lo..." "A nice couple, you know." "And you seemed pretty cool." "And I get here, and all I find is a... a couple of fags." "Yeah, all right." "OK, look." "Nancy?" "Nancy, we can help you, OK'?" "With-with the birth, with the pregnancy." "All of it." "Other people have contacted me, straight people." "Yeah, I..." "I understand that." "But we can help you." "It'll cost money, you know." "I'm not donating." "Of course." "I have to think about it." "I've got to go." "Chris will be back in a... in a minute." "I'll contact you." "He'll..." "I'll give you a call." "Nancy..." "Alex, you're stressing me out about this." "I can't talk now." "I'm at work." "Look, I'll give you a call on the way home." "OK." "All right, bye." "I love you, too." "Sounds like someone's got you on a short leash there." "Hey, Ajay!" "" "It's not very often that we see..." "Now, listen, Steven, I want to talk to you about some rumors that are flying around upstairs at the moment." "Has someone said they're having my love child..." "No, no." "There's a lot of talk going around about you sucking cock." "Sucking cock?" "Normally, I don't listen to the shit that gets thrown around upstairs, but these rumors are filtering up from the bottom." "And when they come from below, you know, I tend to listen." "Nobody knows dirt like the plebs." "Well, who's saying it?" "Well, I don't want to be saying anything." "Now, I don't give a shit where you stick your cock in your spare time." "You want to go dirt track?" "That's your business." "But my business is this show, and our demographic is the nanas and the fat old housewives that tune in everyday to watch your pretty little mug smiling back at her so they can get all sopping wet in their seats." "Steven, no one is going to tune in to watch a fag give away prizes." "Even for SBS, this is prime time, mate." "Mate, I'm prime time." "Good!" "Good." "Then I'll go and tell the rumor mill to go and fuck itself." "Yeah, do that." "You know what?" "They're just jealous that I get more pussy than they do." "Get pussy?" "You watch, they'll start calling me Elton John." "Hey, Elton!" "Fuck." "Who the fuck would be talking?" "It's bound to happen, Steve." "You're on TV, people say shit." "But they'd be saying it even if you were straight." "Everyone has a G-A-Y scandal at times..." "Yeah, but I am!" "That's the problem." "Hey!" "Hey, that's not a problem." "The studio doesn't want a fag as a host, Alex." "Oh, don't say that word!" "Oh, well, how is "unemployed" for a word?" "You like that?" "They're not going to fire you for sucking cock." "Oh, no, they won't fire me." "They'll just replace me, won't they?" "Yeah, well, then you shouldn't be working for them." "I like my job." "I like what I do, and I like who I am." "Really?" "Yeah." "Who are you?" "Steven Evans." "I took on this job knowing full well the studio doesn't want a faggot host..." "Don't say that word!" "Oh, fuck the word!" "This is my career we're talking about here." "You do like sucking cock." "Oh, that's all right, I've got this one." "Here you are, Steven." "So how's your day been?" "Shit." "Ah." "Why's it been shit?" "Just a shit day, Charlie." "Well, if there's anything I can do to make it better, all you have to do is ask." "That I will, Charlie." "That I Will." "Well, what are we celebrating here?" "Nancy." "Nancy?" "Nancy, Nancy, Nancy." "She contacted me." "She wants to meet us." "Great." "When?" "Don't know yet." "Look, Nancy, we'll look after you." "OK'?" "We'll get you everything you need." "And you're free to change of mind if you want." "No strings attached." "No strings attached?" "No strings attached." "Like I said, I've had other offers." "Yeah, I'm sure you have." "But we... we'll match them, we'll double them." "Within reason, of course." "Your partner creeps me out." "He doesn't say much." "He's just the silent time, but he wants this just as much" "HS me." "Yeah." "Don't you, Chris?" "Chris!" "Yes, of course." "And he means it." "He means it." "You know, we both do." "We just... we just want to know that you're for real." "Look, I know you haven't known us that long, Nancy, but you can..." "It's Nerine." "What?" "My name's Nerine, not Nancy." "I just didn't want to use my real name on the internet." "Look, Nerine, we can help you." "I don't want this baby." "I just want cash, OK?" "Cash." "I just want to forget about the whole thing." "Look, Nerine, I want to give you something to show you that we're serious." "Yeah?" "Will you just her the cash?" "Please." "This is just as a start." "OK'?" "I need to go pee." "What?" "She's probably going to run, Alex." "Fucking hell!" "She's in the toilet!" "She's probably not even pregnant." "Have you thought about the father..." "HIV/AIDS?" "Who the fuck knows what?" "I want this one." "You're living in a dream world." "Yeah?" "Well, I like it there." "All right." "You can have it." "There you go." "Holy shit!" "It's fucking big!" "How many bedrooms has it got?" "Four." "There's a special one for the baby, with its own bathroom." "What the fuck does a baby need its own bathroom for?" "So when they get older, they can have their own space." "It's a load more than I got as a kid." "We just wanted to make sure the baby had everything it could want." "Exactly." "Spoiled if you ask me." "Hey, you could help design the nursery." "Yeah, you know?" "You could choose the..." "The colors, or the drapes, or one of those mobile things above the cot?" "No, you do it." "I'll do it." "Guys, come on!" "The beach is waiting." "Come on!" "Alex, I thought you might want this." "And this." "And this." "Nerine..." "Nerine, it's... it's beautiful!" "I think it's ugly." "Looks like an alien." "But it's your baby!" "It's not my baby, Alex." "It's yours." "It's just in me." "Are you sure you don't want these?" "I'm sure." "I don't want this." "Where is a good restaurant?" "The menu, please." "I'm heading off." "OK." "See you later." "I like my steak well done." "Yeah... yeah, I'll be home soon." "I just have to stay back and have a chat with Bob, and I'll be out of here." "OK." "Bye." "Fucking babies." "What's cooking, good looking?" "I don't cook." "Jump in." "What a shame, it looks like there's no one around." "No audience for Mr. TV Man." "Good." "Good." "Well, having people watch is half the fun, isn't it?" "No, no." "I spend all my life in front of the camera." "You've got to have something for yourself." "I think I'd love to spend some time in front of the camera with you." "Who knows, maybe you could find yourself a new career?" "Ah, there are limits, my friend." "Charlie, there are limits." "Oh, I don't have any limits." "You're about to find that out." "Here we are." "Is this good enough?" "Oh, this looks very naughty!" "Well?" "Keep on going!" "Oh!" "Oh, fuck!" "Oh!" "Yeah, yeah." "Keep going?" "Yeah, yeah." "Oh, fuck." "Oh!" "Oh!" "Oh, fuck!" "The fuck?" "Get the fuck out of here!" "Oh, shit!" "Fuck off!" "Fuck off!" "What the fuck..." "All right, let's go." "What the fuck..." "Fucking belts." "Let's get out of here." "Fuck." "Oh, fuck." "You all right'?" "Yeah." "You'll have to walk from here." "Yeah, cool." "You know, you should, um... you call me, or text me, or something, if you want to do this again." "Great." "Now, listen, Charlie, you're not going to mention this to anyone, are you?" "No." "What do you think I am, stupid?" "I'm serious." "You just keep your mouth shut." "Well, most of the time anyway." "See you later, Chuck." "Fuck!" "What are you doing?" "What are you doing?" "Shit!" "Hello?" "Nerine?" "What-we're on our way." "Uh, Nerine, she was admitted... she's pregnant." "Birthing." "She's birthing?" "Fuck... having a baby?" "Where is she?" "Who... who are you after'?" "Nerine." "Surname?" "Evans." "Mm, no Evans." "Nerine..." "Nerine, that's all I know." "Nerine!" "Mm, ooh, here we are." "Nerine Thomson." "She's in delivery room B. It's straight down the corridor, follow the blue line to your left." "Great!" "Uh... just the father." "Is... are you the father?" "Yeah, yes." "Yes, he is." "Well, I'm afraid you're going to have to wait here." "Wait, what?" "He's family!" "I'm her brother-I'm her half brother, her only living relative, you can't..." "You can see her later." "Steve!" "Alex, I've got to go." "Hey, OK'?" "It'll be OK." "Dr. Kelly, prepare clinical operations" "Dr. Kelly." "Daddy, you've got a baby boy." "Oh, there you go!" "There he is!" "Hello!" "He's going to be a surfer when he grows up, Alex." "Yeah?" "Steve." "Yeah?" "Listen to this." "It's to the general manager at the firm." "Dear Richard, some time ago, I attended a seminar where an executive from London had a look at my work." "He'd since contacted me and offered me a great position with his firm..." ""He's," not "he'd-" "He's."" ""He's since?"" "Yeah." "OK." "He's since contacted me and offered me a great position with his firm in the New York office." "I think you know I've always wanted to experience some of the American industry, and would like to offer my resignation." "I've always enjoyed working at Graphica, and would like to thank you for your never failing support over the last few years." "It's been a great experience working with the team, and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah." "Are you sure you're set on this?" "Yeah!" "I didn't go through all this just to never be around him." "You do love him, don't you?" "Of course I do." "You know I do." "I just want to make sure you're not going to do anything that you're going to regret." "Excuse you." "Excuse me." "Look, I'm not going to regret anything, all right?" "I'll open my own freelance connection." "I'll call it AT Design." "Yeah." "All right." "You know, there's always the option of a full-time nanny." "No." "No, no, no, no, no." "I don't want anybody else raising my child." "Our... our child." " Mm." " Sorry." "Our child." "Well, so much for the castle." "Guess we can rule out a career in architecture." "I think he might be better at demolition." "Demolition?" "Yeah." "Oh, don't say that." "He'll wind up wearing King G and hanging outwith guys called Bubba." "Don't be an elitist." "What's up with you?" "It's hard." "Being a dad?" "No, hiding it." "One of the makeup girls came in the other day with a photograph of her two-year-old son." "I had to bite my tongue not to tell her about Sam." "I know." "I mean, it's hard enough not telling her about you, but... but him." "Me?" "Me?" "Me?" "Daddy?" "Jesus, can you just take him?" "Sure." "You got him?" "Yup." "Yay, baby Sam!" "What's the matter?" "I just think he's in a mood." "A what?" "A mood." "A mood, you know." "He's being cranky." "Shh!" "Infants don't have moods." "Hey, hey, what's wrong with you?" "Nothing." "Nothing." "Hey, Steve, nothing's wrong with me, all right?" "I'm going down to the shop." "I'm going to get some milk." "We've got milk." "Yeah, it's off." "Hey, hang on... hang on." "We'll all go." "To the shops?" "Yeah." "Yeah, I don't think so." "Won't belong." "Hey." "Are you going to cry again on me?" "Oh, that tickles." "Yeah, you like that, don't you?" "Mm?" "You like being hung upside down, too, don't you?" "Don't you?" "Yeah?" "Ahah, uh oh!" "Uh oh!" "Uh oh!" "I'm stuck upside down..." "Took a while." "I went for a walk." "Felt like some exercise." "I, uh, got some baby milk." "And, um, organic." "And this." "Sam's asleep." "That's good." "That's good, he... he needed it." "So, dinner?" "Yup." "Dinner." "We are not of thee, nor are we children at all." "We are nothing, less than nothing, and dreams." "We are only what might have been, and must wait upon the tedious shores, or let the millions of ages before we have existence and a name." "What is it?" ""Dream-Children, A Reverie," by Charles Lamb." "All right, this is." "OK." "Sammy!" "He's looking... he likes the helicopters." "Maybe he wants to be a pilot, or something like that." "He's got the right jacket for it." "I think he does." "A happy pilot." "A happy pilot!" "He likes upside down!" "No, no!" "All right, all right." "God, no!" "Get it!" "All right, all right, all right." "Get it, get it!" "Hello?" "Hey, uh, this is a surprise." "It's Nerine." "What?" "Nerine?" "How are you?" "Hello?" "Alex, I'm going to come down tomorrow, OK?" "Uh, OK, sure, whenever." "I can come pick you up later, if you want." "Hello?" "No, I can get a..." "A mate to drive me." "How's Sammy?" "Hello?" "Hello?" "Hello?" "Nerine?" "What do you think this could be about?" "Money." "It's her fucking kid." "It's hers." "She's its mom." "Nerine, if..." "You said that any time I changed my mind, that I could come back." "But we made an arrangement." "That was the arrangement, Chris." "There you go, Chris." "Chris, problem solved." "All right, OK, let's be reasonable about this." "If you really want Sam back, then we won't oppose you..." "What the fuck you doing?" "Shut up!" "But we want to know all the facts." "Now, it was made..." "Hey, hey, hey!" "You fucking talk to me, all right?" "You don't worry about her." "You talk to me." "And who the fuck are you?" "Well, I'm glad you asked, Steven." "It's Chris." "Really?" "Baby, have we got the right house?" "Yeah." "You sure?" "Yeah." "This is the number 3, isn't it'?" "No, I'm only joking." "I'm only joking." "No, I'm..." "I'm really sorry." "I'll tell you what, I'll bet your viewers don't know about this little fucking game show going on here, do they?" "So if you don't give her back the fucking kid, mate, you won't be giving hugs to your fucking precious fans anymore." "You won't be shining your pearly fucking whites on telly." "You'll be getting fists in your fucking arse until you fucking bleed in jail, cunt." "You all right'?" "But I bet you'd love that, wouldn't you, princess?" "Blackmail's a criminal offense." "What do you call fucking tricking young girls into getting their fucking kid?" "Who the fuck are you?" "Show them your ring ring, eh?" "See?" "Show 'em your ring." "Hey." "See, we're fucking married." "See?" "The fuck?" "Come to think of it, that makes me the kid's legal guardian..." "Oh, that's debatable." "You're not even the real father." "How the fuck do you know?" "Sammy might be getting a little brother one day." "Make a real family, something you two fucking faggots will never be able to manage." "Listen, Jake, maybe we can work something out." "Alex, be careful..." " Shut... just shut the fuck up!" " Just let me..." " Just me fucking do this..." " Just give us a week, Nerine!" " Oh, ho ho." " One week!" "A week for them..." "to fucking get on a plane..." "One-one week." "And then we'll never see those cunts again." "Shut the fuck up, I'm not talking to you." "It's all right, Jakey." "I'll tell you who's all right, sweetie." "OK?" " It's all right." "No, I'll tell you who's all right." "Right now, I'm saying they're full of fucking shit." "I'll pay you, cash..." "Steve!" "Now, just shut up!" "How much?" "It's a risk we're taking, how fucking much?" "How much?" "$5,000, just until we get this clear in our minds." "Why not'?" "Ding ding." "Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding!" "We have a winner, ladies and gentlemen!" "Yeah!" "Mr. and Mrs. Faggot just bought themselves one week's stinking time." "That's what I'm liking." "Hey, want to go see him?" "Come on, come on." "Go get the fucking key." "Hey, we're giving you five grand..." "Nay, you're giving us five grand to see whether or not we'll let you see the fucking kid again, all right?" "Just calm down, sweetie." "Calm down, sweetie..." "You're a fucking cunt!" "It's all right." "I'm just going to grab my shit and leave." "Is that all right with you?" "You're a real fucking cunt, do you hear me?" "What's that?" "Maybe if I didn't have a fucking ear, perhaps Sammy ought to be able to fucking hear you better, huh?" "Maybe if I didn't have an ear, perhaps Sammy won't be able to fucking hear you better." "Follow me." "I dare you." "Got it!" "Got it!" "Going for a ride, mate." "Here we go!" "Here we go." "So what are you doing over the weekend?" "Well, I was planning on having a little dinner party." "Ooh!" "But I'm not going to be inviting these two." "This is the excitement." "Alex!" "Richard, hey, how are you?" "Good, good." "This is, uh, Sandra." "Hey!" "Hi!" " This is Julian." " Hi." "Hey." "And, uh, this is my friend, Steve." "Oh, hi." "So how was New York?" "Yeah, good." "It's good." "It's good to see you." "Yeah, you too." "Yeah, you know, I've got clients that still miss you, you know." "How about, uh, I get you to come back and work again?" "Oh, I don't know." "So everything good?" "Yeah, man." "Yeah." "Yeah, couldn't be better." "Well, um, come and have a drink with us, yeah?" "Share your stories about the life in the pearl of the civilized world, eh?" "Great." "OK." "Well, well." "Hm!" "Any other travel secrets you'd like to share?" "Yeah, how is New York at this time of year?" "New York, New York!" "Where else are you going?" "Bahamas next?" "God, what is wrong with both of you tonight?" "Come on, it's something." "Oh!" "Shots, maybe?" "God, Gus has got more life in bed than both of you, honestly." "And that's after a few beers." "Like a bunch of dead fish." "Mm!" "Bugger, don't worry about them." "So tell me more about this dinner party we're going to have." "Well, I was thinking seafood-themed." "No!" "I'm over seafood." "Let's do Greek." "Oh, fuck off." "Fuck, kid, if you don't fucking shut up," "I'll fucking shut you up!" "Never mind him, Jakey." "I'm trying to fucking listen, kid!" "I'm trying to fucking listen!" "Fucking shut up, you fucking kid!" "What's the fucking matter with you?" "Fuck off!" "Fucking mind your own fucking business!" "What is your fucking shit... fucking give him nothing!" "Fuck you, kid!" "Fuck and do that all fucking day, too, you know!" "Leave him the fuck alone, Jakey!" "I could fucking do it all fucking day, longer than you, you fucking kid!" "You fucked up kid!" "Whaa!" "Whaa!" "He's not going to let Sam go for any single amount." "He's got the perfect blackmail scenario now." "Each time he goes broke, he's going to threaten to tell the world about us." "I could fucking kill the cunt." "I will fucking kill the cunt." "Alex, listen." "I'll fucking kill him." "It's not the end of the world." "I mean, we could take a break." "I..." "I could have a nervous breakdown or something, you know'?" "We'll go away." "Why would you care?" "You know, he stole our baby, and you want to take a holiday?" "I mean..." "How could just say that?" "You're the one that wants to go off to the west indies!" "He's my son!" "Your son?" "Our son." "Don't you think I know that?" "I don't know!" "I've lost my son, too." "Oh, you didn't lose him." "No, no, no." "You paid that prick to take him." "You let him go, you fucking tipped like you were tipping one of your fucking waiter friends for good service." " Oh, fuck you." "You're a fucking joke." "Fuck you!" "You're a fucking joke!" "Nobody made him." "Nobody forced." "You did!" "He wasn't even ours." "He was never ours." "I want you to leave." "Get out." "Get the fuck out!" "Hey, Kimber, sweetheart." "Me?" "I want to get messy." "I want to get fucked up." "Yeah, come up." "What the fuck happened?" "I've had a fuck few days." "Sit." "I don't think I can go home tonight." "I..." "I don't think I can go home." "We had a fight." "Over what?" "Family." "Oh, that one." "Yeah, always gives me the twitch." "Me too." "I don't know, I need more." "I just-I don't know." "Steven, it is OK to not want to settle down." "OK'?" "You are allowed to just give a fuck about yourself." "I mean, babies aren't for everyone." "We knew we had to be careful." "He should respect who you are." "Fucking Alex." "Hey!" "Stop worrying about him." "Worry about you, mate." "Listen, Tim..." "What?" "Stop!" "Stop!" "Fuck... what the fuck, Steven?" "Get the... get the fuck out!" "Morning." "I lost my keys." "Where'd you go last night?" "No... don't tell me." "I'm sorry." "I miss you both." "There's something I need you to do." "Hey, you got to go for me." "I can't go to them, Jakey." "I can't." "No!" "I'll fucking do it!" "I'll find a guy and I'll get you a couple of hundred, easy!" "Fucking" "Fuck you!" "You fucking will!" "You'll tell them all your fucking troubles!" "I swear!" "You fucking did that once before, remember?" "I swear I'll just get the money!" "Fuck off." "Just get the..." "Listen to me, don't fucking hit me, bitch." "Eh'?" "You fucking hit me'?" "Fucking try." "Fucking try it again!" "Fucking try it again!" "As if I want fucking petty cash." "Does it fucking look like I want it?" "I want $100,000 fucking dollars." "I want $100,000" "How the fuck... dollars!" "Don't fucking back." "I want 100 grand..." "How the fuck am I meant to ask for that much money?" "By fucking tomorrow." "What if they don't give it to me?" "Jakey, what if they don't give it to me?" "What did we get the kid for?" "What did we get the kid for?" "What did we get the kid for?" "Hey, Sammy'.!" "What did we get the fucking kid for, eh?" "What the fuck did we get him for?" "All right, Jakie, Jakie." "I'll go, I'll go, I'll go." "I've got to take, Jake." "I've got to take him." "I've got to take-I've got to take Sammy with me..." "I..." "You fucking won't take him!" "I have to take him with me, otherwise they won't give me..." "You fucking won't fucking take him with you!" "You fucking bitch!" "You fucking don't come back!" "You fucking don't come back or I'll fucking stitch him..." "Please don't hurt him!" "Into Sam." "I'll fucking stick one into you." "If you don't fucking come back, I'll fucking All right?" "OK'?" "Stop it, please!" "You fucking" "Oy, squid lips, get your hand off it, we're on." "Fuck me, Kimber!" "You're going to force us into a later time slot dressed like that." "I love it!" "Well, if you think it's too much, maybe you should come and dress me next time." "Well, unfortunately, my specialty is undressing, isn't it, sweetheart'?" "Hm, that works as well." "No thanks." "Come on, you don't need to go, eh?" "Where you going to go?" "Come on." "Hey, hey, hey." "Come on." "Come on." "All right." "Mm." "It's OK, Jakey." "We have exclusive uncensored footage of Steven Evans' wild sex romp in Melbourne that everybody's talking about and that Channel 4 didn't want you to see." "Let's take a look." "You never know who's going to be watching." "Fucking bullshit!" "Fuck you!" "Fuck you!" "What the fuck?" "How the fuck'?" "How did you fucking get that?" "Holy shit!" "Shut up, Sammy." "Don't worry, baby." "It'll be all right." "The embryo is now starting to take shape." "Fuck." "Fucking." "The top..." "The trunk of the body stretches down below." "The head doesn't look much like a head yet." "But at day 15, nerve cells begin to form in what will become the brain, as well as in the spinal column..." "Jakey?" "Which is exposed and totally unprotected by either skin or bone." "Jake?" "Hello?" "Come on." "There's still some more stuff in the cot." "Alex, get the stuff." "Yup." "Nerine, get Sam and take him downstairs in the car." "OK'?" "Sammy, say, bye-bye." "Bye-bye, Sammy." "Steve." "Doesn't he look odd to you?" "Yeah." "He doesn't have a pulse." "Shit!" "All right, I'm calling triple zero." "Hey, put it away." "We don't have to call anyone." "We can't!" "Yes, we can." "Alex, get that stuff and go downstairs now." "NOW!" "OK." "Now he's yours,." "He always was." "Alex, I..." "I know, uh, we don't have any legal right to him." "I know." "I..." "I know that." "And if, you know, if you need to be around him, I..." "I understand that." "I..." "I know how hard it is to be away from him." "Maybe one day I can be like Auntie Nerine or something." "For right now, I just need to go away." "I'm going to go to bed." "Nerine, you know, stay for as long as you want, OK?" "You know that?" "Stay, stay forever, if you want to." "Forever?" "Nothing lasts forever." "But the sad truth to all this is that, legally, we're only Sam's guardians." "In the eyes of the law, we're his protectors, his providers, his defenders, and his friends." "But the law will not allow us to be called his fathers." "Now, I want every man and woman to be able to feel the joy that I feel, so I've decided to end my career in television and join the GL Alliance for the sole purpose of completely legalizing adoption for same-sex couples." "How do you feel?" "Proud." "My dad called." "Wants to meet up." "Scared, Alex?" "Being scared, it... it doesn't mean you're weak." "I just want Sam to feel proud of me." "He will be." "We've witnessed the commitment of two people in love." "Two men, which is right." "But it doesn't only mean a union between Steven and Alex, it also signifies a family." "Steven, Alex, and their son, Sam, whom they will nurture and bring up to be the man they want him to be." "Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Steven and Alex." "Ladies and gentlemen, please charge your glasses and join me in a toast to the happy couple, the two grooms, Alex and Steven." "Alex and Steven!"