"HELLO, GOOD EVENING AND WELCOME TO IT'SA LIVING." "THE RULES ARE VERY SIMPLE." "EACH WEEK WE GET A LARGE FEE." "AT THE END OF THAT WEEK WE GET ANOTHER LARGE FEE." "IF THERE'S BEEN NO INTERRUPTION AT THE END OF THE YEAR" "WE GET A REPEAT FEE" "WHICH CAN BE ADDED ON FOR TAX PURPOSES" "TO THE PREVIOUS YEAR" "OR THE FOLLOWING YEAR IF THERE'S NO NEW SERIES." "EVERY CONTESTANT, IN ADDITION TO GETTING A LARGE FEE" "IS ENTITLED TO THREE DRINKS AT THE BBC" "OR, IF THE SHOW IS OVER, SEVEN DRINKS" "UNLESS HE'S AN M.P." "IN WHICH CASE HE CAN HAVE SEVEN DRINKS BEFORE THE SHOW" "OR A BISHOP ONLY THREE DRINKS IN TOTO." "THE WINNERS WILL RECEIVE AN ADDITIONAL FEE" "A PRIZE WHICH THEY CAN FLOG BACK" "AND A SPECIAL FEE FOR A GUEST APPEARANCE" "ON LATE NIGHT LINEUP." "WELL, THOSE ARE THE RULES, THAT'S THE GAME" "WE'LL BE BACK AGAIN SAME TIME NEXT WEEK." "TILL THEN, BYE-BYE." "( audience laughter )" "Announcer:" "WELL, IT'S FIVE PAST NINE" "AND NEARLY TIME FOR SIX PAST NINE." "ON BBC 2 IT'LL SHORTLY BE 61/21/2 MINUTES PAST NINE." "LATER ON THIS EVENING, IT'LL BE 10:00" "AND AT 10:30, WE'LL BE JOINING BBC 2 IN TIME FOR 10:33." "AND DON'T FORGET TOMORROW, WHEN IT'LL BE 9:20." "THOSE OF YOU WHO MISSED 8:45 ON FRIDAY" "WILL BE ABLE TO SEE IT AGAIN THIS FRIDAY" "AT A QUARTER TO NINE." "NOW HERE'S A TIME CHECK:" "IT'S 61/21/2 MINUTES TO THE BIG GREEN THING." "Man:" "YOU'RE A LOONY." "Announcer:" "I GET SO BORED, I GET SO BLOODY BORED." "( laughter )" "( doorbell rings )" "Woman:" "THIS WAY, PLEASE." "Man:" "RIGHT-O, I'M COMING." "( footsteps )" "YES, SIR..." "THIS WAY, EH?" "( hollow clanging )" "( echoing ):" "BLOODY HELL, WHERE ARE THE LIGHTS?" "( crashing, clanging )" "OH, DAMN, WHERE ARE THEY?" "HOW DOES THIS TURN OFF?" "OH, I'M UNSTUCK." "( metal clanging )" "OH!" "AH!" "OH!" "( clanging )" "WHERE ARE THE LIGHTS?" "OH!" "OH, HERE THEY ARE." "( switch clicks )" "OOH!" "( Sousa's "Liberty Bell March" playing )" "[Captioning sponsored by THE U.S. DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION and AE TELEVISION NETWORKS]" "( music ends with fart )" "( laughter )" "YOU PROBABLY NOTICED THAT I DIDN'T SAY" ""AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT" JUST NOW." "THIS IS SIMPLY BECAUSE I AM UNABLE" "TO APPEAR IN THE SHOW THIS WEEK." "( laughter )" "SORRY TO INTERRUPT YOU." "I'M TERRIBLY SORRY TO INTERRUPT, BUT MY TOOTH'S HURTING" "JUST AROUND HERE." "Man:" "GET OFF!" "OH, SORRY." "I'M NOT SORRY TO INTERRUPT." "I'LL INTERRUPT ANYTHING" "IF IT GETS PEOPLE LOOKING IN MY DIRECTION" "LIKE AT MY OLD SCHOOL WHERE, BY A COINCIDENCE" "THE ANNUAL PRIZE-GIVING IS GOING ON AT THIS VERY MOMENT." "( playing final notes )" "( man clears throat )" "MY LORD MAYOR, LADY MAYORESS..." "IT GIVES ME VERY GREAT PLEASURE TO RETURN TO MY OLD SCHOOL" "TO PRESENT THE PRIZES IN THIS CENTENARY YEAR." "( applauding lightly )" "THIS SCHOOL TAKES VERY JUSTIFIABLE PRIDE" "IN ITS FINE RECORD OF... ( crying out )" "( grunting and slapping )" "( laughter )" "( struggling and crying out )" "( slapping andpunching ) ...SCHOLARSHIP AND SPORTING ACHIEVEMENT... ( cries out )" "( grunting )" "I'M..." "I'M AFRAID THERE'S BEEN A MISTAKE." "THE MAN WHO HAS BEEN SPEAKING TO YOU IS AN IMPOSTOR." "HE IS NOT IN FACT THE BISHOP OF EAST ANGLIA" "BUT A MAN WANTED BY THE POLICE." "I AM THE BISHOP OF EAST ANGLIA" "AND ANYBODY WHO DOESN'T BELIEVE ME CAN LOOK ME UP IN THE BOOK." "NOW THEN, THE FIRST PRIZE IS THIS BEAUTIFUL SILVER CUP" "WHICH HAS BEEN WON BY ME." "( laughter )" "NEXT WE COME" "TO THE FAIRFAX ATKINSON TROPHY" "FOR OUTSTANDING ACHIEVEMENT" "IN THE FIELD OF APPLIED MATHEMATICS." "WELL, THERE WAS NO ONE THIS YEAR" "WHO REACHED THE REQUIRED STANDARD" "AND SO IT GOES IN MY SACK." "( laughter )" "AND BY AN OLD RULE OF THE SCHOOL" "ALL THE OTHER SILVER TROPHIES ALSO GO IN MY SACK... ( yelling )" "( babbling )" "( in Chinese accent ):" "VELLY SOLLY FOR HOLD-UP." "NO PROBLEM NOW." "ME, BISHOP OF EAST ANGLIA, NOW PRESENT PRIZES." "EYES DOWN FOR FIRST PRIZE" "THE FYFFE-CHULMLEIGH SPOON FOR LATIN ELEGIACS" "GOES TO..." "PEOPLE'S REPUBLIC OF CHINA!" "( yelling )" "GOOD EVENING, EVERYBODY." "MY NAME'S BRADSHAW-- INSPECTOR ELIZABETH BRADSHAW" "OF THE SPECIAL BRANCH SPEECH DAY SQUAD" "BUT I'D LIKE YOU TO THINK OF ME AS THE BISHOP OF EAST ANGLIA" "AND I'D LIKE TO PRESENT THE FIRST PRIZE" "THE GRIMWADE GYNN... ( gunfire and explosions )" "LORD MAYOR, LADY MAYORESS, MR. CHAIRMAN" "LADIES, GENTLEMEN AND BOYS, PLEASE DO NOT PANIC." "PLEASE KEEP YOUR HEADS RIGHT DOWN NOW" "AND AT THE BACK, PLEASE KEEP YOUR HEADS RIGHT DOWN." "DO NOT PANIC, DON'T LOOK ROUND, THIS BUILDING IS SURROUNDED." "THERE IS NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT." "I AM THE BISHOP OF EAST ANGLIA." "NOW, THE FIRST PRIZE IS" "THE GRANVILLE CUP FOR FRENCH UNSEEN TRANSLATION." "AND IT GOES TO FORBES MINOR..." "FORBES MINOR." "RIGHT, GIVE HIM COVERING FIRE." "COME ON, FORBES, COME ON, BOY!" "COME AND GET IT, KEEP DOWN." "WELL DONE." "OH, BAD LUCK!" "THE NEXT PRIZE... ( audio stops )" "( laughter )" "MR. L.F. DIBLEY'S LATEST FILM, IF." "( laughter )" "MR. DIBLEY, SOME PEOPLE HAVE DRAWN COMPARISONS" "BETWEEN YOUR FILM, IF" "WHICH ENDS WITH A GUN BATTLE AT A PUBLIC SCHOOL" "AND MR. LINDSAY ANDERSON'S FILM, IF" "WHICH ENDS WITH A GUN BATTLE AT A PUBLIC SCHOOL." "OH, YES, WELL, I MEAN" "THERE WERE SOME PEOPLE" "WHO SAID MY FILM, 2001:" "A SPACE ODYSSEY" "WAS SIMILAR TO STANLEY KUBRICK'S." "I MEAN, THAT'S THE SORT OF PETTY CRITICAL NIGGLING" "THAT'S DOGGED MY CAREER." "IT MAKES ME SICK." "I MEAN, AS SOON AS I'D MADE MIDNIGHT COWBOY" "WITH THE VICAR AS RATSO RIZZO" "JOHN SCHLESINGER RUSHES OUT HIS VERSION AND GETS IT PREMIERED" "WHILE MINE'S STILL AT THE CHEMIST'S." "( laughter )" "WELL, WE HAVE WITH US TONIGHT ONE OF YOUR FILMS, REAR WINDOW" "WHICH WAS TO BECOME SUCH A SUCCESS FOR ALFRED HITCHCOCK" "A FEW WEEKS LATER." "NOW, THIS IS A SILENT FILM" "SO PERHAPS YOU COULD TALK US THROUGH IT." "YES, WELL, LET'S SEE, NOW" "THERE'S THE REAR WINDOW." "THERE'S THE MAN LOOKING OUT OF THE WINDOW." "HE SEES THE MURDER." "THE MURDERER'S COME INTO THE ROOM TO KILL HIM" "BUT HE'S OUTWITTED HIM AND HE'SALL RIGHT." "THE END." "( laughter )" "I MEAN, ALFRED HITCHCOCK" "WHO'S SUPPOSED TO BE SO BLOODY WONDERFUL" "PADDED THAT OUT TO 11/21/2 HOURS." "LOST ALL THE TENSION." "JUST BECAUSE HE HAD BLOODY GRACE KELLY" "HE MADE $3 MILLION MORE THAN I DID." "MIND YOU, AT LEAST SHE CAN ACT A BIT." "I COULD HAVE DONE WITH HER IN FINIAN'S RAINBOW." "THE MAN FROM THE OFF-LICENSE WAS TERRIBLE." "A REAL FAILURE THAT WAS-- TEN SECONDS OF SOLID BOREDOM." "( light laughter )" "( laughter )" "( laughter increases )" "( laughter )" "BLOODY TERRIBLE." "MR. L.F. DIBLEY'S FINIAN'S RAINBOW." "AND NOW OVER TO ME." "EXCLUSIVELY ON THE PROGRAM TODAY" "WE HAVE THE FOREIGN SECRETARY, WHO HAS JUST RETURNED" "FROM THE BITTER FIGHTING IN THE GULF OF AMMAN." "HE'S GOING TO TELL US ABOUT CANOEING." "( laughter )" "( menjabbering )" "( counting in gibberish )" "( laughter )" "THAT GIVES YOU JUST SOME IDEA OF WHAT'S GOING ON OUT THERE." "TODAY SAW THE LONG-AWAITED PUBLICATION" "OF THE PORTMAN COMMITTEE'S REPORT" "ON INDUSTRIAL REORGANIZATION." "IT'S TAKEN FIVE YEARS TO PREPARE" "AND IT'S BOUND TO HAVE AN ENORMOUS IMPACT" "ON THE FUTURE OF INDUSTRIAL RELATIONS IN THIS COUNTRY." "IN THE STUDIO TONIGHT" "LORD PORTMAN, CHAIRMAN OF THE COMMITTEE" "SIR CHARLES AVERY, EMPLOYERS' REORGANIZATION COUNCIL" "AND RAY MILLICHOPE, LEADER OF THE ALLIED TECHNICIANS' UNION" "AND THEY'RE GOING TO MAKE A HUMAN PYRAMID." "( laughter )" "( crowd cheering )" "BRA-VO!" "NOW THE PRESIDENT OF THE BOARD OF TRADE." "( muffled ):" "GOOD EVENING." "( menjabbering )" "( counting )" "( jabbering )" "NOW HERE'S THE VICE-CHAIRMAN OF I.C.I." "GOOD EVENING." "( menjabbering )" "( counting )" "( cheering )" "WELL, SO MUCH FOR POLITICS" "AND THE PROBLEMS OF BRITAIN'S INDUSTRIAL REORGANIZATION." "NOW WE TURN TO THE LIGHTER SUBJECT OF SPORT" "AND REG HARRIS, THE FORMER WORLD CYCLING SPRINT CHAMPION" "TALKS TO US ABOUT THE PSYCHOLOGICAL PROBLEMS" "OF BIG RACE PREPARATION." "( cheering and giggling )" "AND NOW THE WORLD OF SONG-- ANNE ZEIGLER AND WEBSTER BOOTH." "( alljabbering )" "( counting )" "( cheering )" "WELL, ALL GOOD THINGS MUST COME TO AN END" "AND THAT'S ALL FOR THIS WEEK, BUT TO CLOSE OUR PROGRAM" "DAME IRENE STOAT, WHO CELEBRATES HER 85th BIRTHDAY THIS MONTH" "READS ONE OF HER MOST FAMOUS POEMS." ""WHO SHALL DECLARE THIS GOOD, THAT ILL" ""WHEN GOOD AND ILL SO INTERTWINE BUT TO FULFILL THE VAST DESIGN" ""OF AN OMNISCIENT WILL." "WHEN SEEMING GAIN BUT TURNS TO LOSS..."" ""WHEN EARTHLY TREASURE PROVES BUT DROSS" ""AND WHAT SEEMED LOST BUT TURNS AGAIN" "TO HIGH ETERNAL GAIN."" "( yelling )" "( screaming )" "( laughter )" "( yelling triumphantly )" "WE HAD THE MOST MARVELOUS HOLIDAY." "IT WAS ABSOLUTELY FANTASTIC." "ABSOLUTELY WONDERFUL." "MICHAEL, YOU TELL THEM ABOUT IT." "NO, DARLING, YOU COULD TELL IT BETTER." "( doorbell rings )" "EXCUSE ME A MOMENT." "( laughter )" "DUNG, SIR." "WHAT?" "WE GOT YOUR DUNG." "WHAT DUNG?" "THREE HUNDREDWEIGHT OF HEAVY DROPPINGS." "WHERE DO YOU WANT IT?" "I DIDN'T ORDER ANY DUNG." "YES, YOU DID, SIR." "YOU ORDERED IT THROUGH THE BOOK-OF-THE-MONTH CLUB." "BOOK-OF- THE-MONTH CLUB?" "THAT'S RIGHT, SIR." "YOU GET GONE WITH THE WIND" "LES MISERABLES BY VICTOR HUGO" "THE FRENCH LIEUTENANT'S WOMAN" "AND WITH EVERY THIRD BOOK, YOU GET DUNG." "( laughter )" "I DIDN'T KNOW THAT WHEN I SIGNED THE FORM." "WELL, NO, NO, IT WASN'T ON THE FORM." "THEY FOUND IT WASN'T GOOD FOR BUSINESS." "WE GOT THREE HUNDREDWEIGHT OF DUNG IN THE VAN." "WHERE DO YOU WANT IT?" "I DON'T THINK WE DO." "WE'VE NO GARDEN." "IT'LL FIT HERE" " IT'S TOP-CLASS EXCREMENT." "YOU CAN'T PUT IT IN HERE." "WE'VE HAVING A DINNER PARTY!" "IT'S ALL RIGHT, I'LL PUT IT ON THE TELLY." "DARLING, THERE'S A MAN HERE" "WITH OUR BOOK-OF- THE-MONTH-CLUB DUNG." "WE'VE NO ROOM, DEAR." "WELL, HOW MANY ROOMS HAVE YOU GOT, THEN?" "WELL, THERE'S ONLY THIS ROOM, THE BEDROOM, A SPARE ROOM." "I'LL TELL YOU WHAT." "MOVE EVERYTHING INTO THE MAIN BEDROOM" "THEN YOU CAN USE THE SPARE ROOM AS A DUNG ROOM." "( doorbell rings )" "YES?" "DEAD INDIAN." "WHAT?" "HAVE YOU RECENTLY BOUGHT A NEW COOKER, SIR?" "AH, WELL, THIS IS YOUR FREE DEAD INDIAN, AS ADVERTISED." "I DIDN'T SEE THAT IN THE ADVERTS." "OH, NO, IT'S IN VERY SMALL PRINT, YOU SEE, SIR" "SO AS NOT TO AFFECT THE SALES." "WE'VE NO ROOM." "THAT'S ALL RIGHT." "YOU CAN PUT THE DEAD INDIAN" "IN THE SPARE ROOM ON TOP OF THE DUNG." "YEAH." "Indian:" "ME HEAP DIZZY!" "HE'S NOT DEAD!" "OH, WELL, THAT'S PROBABLY A FAULTY COOKER." "( laughter )" "HAVE YOU READ AND ENJOYED" "THE FRENCH LIEUTENANT'S WOMAN, THEN?" "NO." "STILL, IT'S WORTH IT FOR THE DUNG, ISN'T IT?" "DARLING, IT'S THE MILK MARKETING BOARD." "FOR EVERY TWO CARTONS OF SINGLE CREAM, WE GET THE M4 MOTORWAY." "( laughter )" "( siren blaring )" "ARE YOU MR. AND MRS. P. FORBES OF 7, THE STUDIOS, ELSTREE?" "YES." "RIGHT, WELL, GET IN THE CAR." "WE'VE WON YOU IN A POLICE RAFFLE." "( laughter )" "YES, THIS COUPLE WAS JUST ONE OF THE PRIZES" "IN THIS YEAR'S POLICE RAFFLE." "OTHER PRIZES INCLUDE TWO YEARS FOR BREAKING AND ENTERING" "A CRATE OF SEARCH WARRANTS" "A "WHAT'S ALL THIS THEN?" T-SHIRT" "AND A WEEKEND FOR TWO WITH A SKINHEAD OF YOUR OWN CHOICE." "( laughter )" "AND THAT'S NOT ALL!" "THREE FABULOUS NEW PRIZES HAVE JUST BEEN ADDED:" "A FOUR-MONTH SUPPLY OF INTERESTING UNDERGARMENTS" "A FULLY MOTORIZED PIG" "AND A HAND-PAINTED SCENE OF ARABIAN SPLENDOR" "COMPLETE WITH SILLY WALKER." "( humming )" "( jabbering inJapanese )" "( laughter )" "Woman:" "FINALLY, ADD THE SLICED MEAT" "GARNISH THE VEGETABLES" "AND VOILA" " A MEAL FIT FOR A..." "PERSONALLY, I PREFER MORE CLASSICAL DISHES." "( laughter )" "NIGEL, WONDERFUL TO SEE YOU." "SUPER, SUPER, SUPER." "AM I A TEENY BIT LATE?" "WELL, A BIT..." "AN HOUR." "OH, SUPER." "ONLY SNOWDON'S BEEN RETOUCHING MY PROFILE" "AND WE CAN'T UPSET THE LOVELY SNOWDON, CAN WE?" "DAVID BLOGGS, THE ONE AND ONLY..." "SUPER TO SEE YOU." "WHO ARE YOU WORKING FOR?" "COME AND WORK FOR ME." "I'LL CALL YOU TOMORROW." "IT IS REALLY LOVELY TO HAVE THIS LITTLE CHAT WITH YOU." "WELL, I..." "IT IS SO NICE TO BE ABLE TO HAVE" "THIS LITTLE TALK ABOUT THINGS." "I HEARD A TEENY RUMORLETTE THAT YOU WERE MARRIED." "NOT QUITE, NO..." "MY WIFE'S JUST DIED, ACTUALLY." "OH, DEAR..." "BRIAN!" "WE MUST GET TOGETHER AGAIN SOON." "SEE YOU." "BYE!" "( laughter )" "PERHAPS WE COULD DO A TRIBUTE" "TO HER ON THE SHOW." "WELL, NO..." "I'LL GET PETER, WILLIAM, ARTHUR" "ALEX, JOAN, TED, SCOTT, WILF, JOHN" "AND RAY TO FIX IT UP." "BUT IT'S SO NICE HAVING THIS LITTLE CHAT." "ACTUALLY, TIMMY" "I'M GLAD TO GET YOU ON YOUR OWN." "YOU DON'T MIND IF PETER JUST SITS IN, DO YOU?" "WELL, ACTUALLY..." "HE'S DOING AN ARTICLE ON ME" "FOR THE MAIL." "HE'S SUCH A LOVELY PERSON." "PETER, THIS IS ONE OF THE NICEST PEOPLE IN THE WORLD..." "NIGEL WATT-- W-A-DOUBLE-T." "THAT'S RIGHT, YES." "ACTUALLY, TIMMY, THE THING IS, IT'S A BIT PRIVATE." "OH, YOU DON'T MIND" "IF PETER JUST SITS IN, DO YOU?" "PETER'S WRITING A BOOK ON ME." "PETER, YOU KNOW TONY FROM THE MAIL, DON'T YOU?" "WE MET IN THE TURKISH BATH YESTERDAY." "SUPER, SUPER..." "DID IT COME OUT WELL" "IN THE WRITING YESTERDAY?" "GREAT, GREAT." "YOU TOOK OUT THE TUMMY REFERENCE, DIDN'T YOU?" "YES, I DID." "SUPER, SUPER." "JUST TO FILL YOU IN" "THIS IS NIGEL WATTS" "AND WE'RE HAVING A LITTLE HEART-TO-HEART" "H-E-A-R-T." "DO GO ON, NIGEL." "WELL, THE THING IS, TIMMY, UM..." "DO CARRY ON..." "IT'S THE TV TIMES" "ONLY THEY SYNDICATE THESE PHOTOGRAPHS TO AMERICA." "WOULD YOU MIND IF WE JUST..." "SUPER, SUPER." "ONE OVER HERE, I THINK, BOB." "A LITTLE SMILE, PLEASE." "SMASHING, SMASHING." "FEEL FREE, BOB, TO CIRCULATE, WON'T YOU?" "DO GO ON-- THIS IS MOST INTERESTING." "THE THING IS, TIMMY" "I'M A BIT EMBARRASSED." "OH, MR. WILLIAMS" "IT'S SO NICE TO SEE YOU." "WILL YOU SIGN THIS" "FOR MY LITTLE DAUGHTER, PLEASE?" "HELLO, MARIO." "SUPER, WONDERFUL." "JUST TWO LOVELY COFFEES, PLEASE." "Sound man:" "SORRY." "TIMMY, CAN WE JUST GO" "FROM WHERE MARIO COMES IN?" "WE'RE GETTING BAD SOUND, OKAY?" "IT'S GERMAN TELEVISION." "ISN'T IT EXCITING, NIGEL?" "THEY'RE DOING A PRIZEWINNING DOCUMENTARY ON ME." "THE WONDERFUL MR. WILLIAMS, SCENE 239, TAKE 2." "Man offstage:" "SPEED." "ACTION!" "MARIO, HOW SUPER TO SEE YOU!" "HOW ARE THE LOVELY FAMILY?" "PLEASE GIVE YOUR LITTLE DAUGHTER THIS." "THANK YOU." "AND JUST TWO LOVELY COFFEES, PLEASE." "YES, SIR." "SUCH A LOVELY WAITER!" "NOW, GO ON, PLEASE." "THIS IS MOST INTERESTING." "WELL, AS I WAS SAYING, TIMMY" "MY WIFE'S GONE..." "GONE." "I'VE GOT THREE CHILDREN, AND I'M AT MY WITS' END." "NO JOB, NO INSURANCE, NO MONEY AT ALL." "I'M ABSOLUTELY FLAT BROKE." "I JUST DON'T KNOW WHERE TO TURN." "I'M ABSOLUTELY AT THE END OF MY TETHER." "YOU'RE MY ONLY CHANCE." "CAN YOU HELP ME, PLEASE, TIMMY?" "SORRY, I WAS ON THE PHONE TO AMERICA." "( laughter )" "IT'S BEEN SUPER HAVING THIS LOVELY LITTLE CHAT." "WE MUST DO THIS AGAIN MORE OFTEN." "WILL YOU GET THE COFFEES?" "I'M AFRAID I MUST DASH." "I'M AN HOUR LATE FOR THE ISRAELI EMBASSY." "( gunshot )" "( things falling, glass breaking )" "DID YOU GET THAT SHOT ALL RIGHT, SOUND?" "YES, FINE." "IT WASN'T A BIT TOO WICKED, WAS IT?" "I MEAN, IT WASN'T TOO CRUEL?" "NO, NO, NO." "IT WAS GREAT." "NO, SUPER..." "WELL, I THINK" "IT SHOWS I'M HUMAN, DON'T YOU?" "YEAH, IT'S GREAT." "WELL, THE CHARABANC'S HERE." "COME ON, EVERYBODY." "BYE!" "( applause )" "TIMMY WILLIAMS COFFEE TIME WAS BROUGHT TO YOU LIVE" "FROM WOPPI'S IN HOLBORN." "( softjazz playing )" "( laughter )" "GOOD EVENING." "I HAVE WITH ME IN THE STUDIO TONIGHT" "ONE OF THE COUNTRY'S LEADING SKIN SPECIALISTS" "RAYMOND LUXURY YACHT." "THAT'S NOT MY NAME." "I'M SORRY, RAYMOND LUXURY YACH-T." "NO, NO, NO." "IT'S SPELT "RAYMOND LUXURY YACH-T"" "BUT IT'S PRONOUNCED "THROATWOBBLER MANGROVE."" "( laughter )" "YOU ARE A VERY SILLY MAN, AND I'M NOT GOING TO INTERVIEW YOU." "ANTI-SEMITISM." "NOT AT ALL." "IT'S NOT EVEN A PROPER NOSE." "IT'S POLYSTYRENE." "GIVE ME MY NOSE BACK." "YOU CAN COLLECT IT AT RECEPTION" " NOW, GO AWAY." "I WANT TO BE ON TELEVISION." "WELL, YOU CAN'T." "PSST!" "ALL CLEAR." "( woman laughing giddily )" "( train engine chugging )" "( woman continues giggling )" "WHOO, WHEE!" "( laughing )" "Woman:" "HI, THERE, BIG BOY." "Man:" "WHOO, WHEE!" "Woman 2:" "HEY, CUPIE!" "HELLO, TIGER." "( laughter )" "Man:" "WHOO, WHEE!" "TIGER!" "TIGER!" "WHOO, WHEE!" "TIGER." "HEY, TIGER... ( running footsteps )" "( running up stairs )" "EXCUSE ME, I WANT TO GET MARRIED." "I'M AFRAID I'M ALREADY MARRIED, SIR." "NO, I JUST WANT TO GET MARRIED." "I COULD GET A DIVORCE, I SUPPOSE" "BUT IT WOULD BE A BIT OF A WRENCH." "NO, NO, THAT WON'T BE NECESSARY, BECAUSE..." "SEE, WOULD YOU COME TO MY PLACE" "OR SHOULD I HAVE TO COME TO YOURS" "BECAUSE I'VE JUST GOT A BIG MORTGAGE?" "NO, I WANT TO GET MARRIED HERE." "OH, DEAR, I HAD MY HEART SET ON A CHURCH WEDDING." "LOOK, I JUST WANT YOU TO MARRY ME TO..." "I WANT TO MARRY YOU, TOO, SIR" "BUT IT'S NOT AS SIMPLE AS THAT." "YOU'RE SURE YOU WANT TO GET MARRIED." "YES, I WANT TO GET MARRIED VERY QUICKLY." "SUITS ME, SIR, SUITS ME." "I DON'T WANT TO MARRY YOU." "THERE IS SUCH A THING" "AS BREACH OF PROMISE, SIR." "LOOK, I JUST WANT YOU" "TO ACT AS REGISTRAR AND MARRY ME." "I WILL MARRY YOU, SIR" "BUT PLEASE MAKE UP YOUR MIND." "PLEASE DON'T TRIFLE WITH MY AFFECTIONS." "I'M SORRY, BUT..." "THAT'S ALL RIGHT, SIR." "I FORGIVE YOU" " LOVERS' TIFF." "YOU'RE NOT THE FIRST PERSON TO ASK ME TODAY." "I'VE TURNED DOWN SEVERAL PEOPLE ALREADY." "LOOK, I'M ALREADY ENGAGED." "YES, AND I'M ALREADY MARRIED." "STILL WE'LL GET ROUND IT." "Man 2:" "GOOD MORNING, I WANT TO GET MARRIED." "I'M AFRAID I'M ALREADY MARRYING" "THIS GENTLEMAN, SIR." "WELL, CAN I GET MARRIED AFTER HIM?" "WELL, DIVORCE ISN'T AS QUICK AS THAT, SIR." "STILL, IF YOU'RE KEEN." "Man 3:" "I WANT TO GET MARRIED, PLEASE." "HEAVENS, IT'S MY LUCKY DAY, ISN'T IT?" "ALL RIGHT." "YOU'LL HAVE TO WAIT" "TILL I'VE MARRIED THESE TWO, SIR." "WHAT, THOSE TWO, GETTING MARRIED?" "NIGEL, WHAT ARE YOU DOING MARRYING HIM?" "HE'S MARRYING ME, FIRST, SIR." "HE'S ENGAGED TO ME." "COME ON, HENRY." "BLIMEY, THE WIFE." "WILL YOU MARRY ME?" "I'M ALREADY MARRIED." "WELL, THINGS TURNED OUT" "ALL RIGHT IN THE END" "BUT YOU MUSTN'TASK HOW, BECAUSE IT'S NAUGHTY." "THEY'REALL MARRIED AND LIVING QUITE WELL" "IN A COUNCIL ESTATE NEAR DULWICH." "( woman humming )" "TODAY I WANT TO TELL YOU A STORY." "ONCE UPON A TIME THERE WAS AN ENCHANTED PRINCE" "WHO RULED THE LAND BEYOND THE WUBBLES." "ONE DAY, HE DISCOVERED A SPOT ON HIS FACE." "FOOLISHLY, HE IGNORED IT." "AND THREE YEARS LATER HE DIED OF..." "Man:" "GANGRENE." "Woman:" "THE SPOT, HOWEVER, FLOURISHED" "AND SOON SET OUT TO SEEK ITS FORTUNE." "( splatting )" "Man:" "BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH." "BLAH, BLAH, BLAH" "BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH." "BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH" "BLAH, BLAH, BLAH." "( splat )" "( muffled talking )" "( hilarious laughing )" "( splat )" "BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH" "( splatting )" "( panting )" "( smooching )" "( romantic musicplaying )" "( church bells pealing )" "Woman:" "AGNES, DID YOU SEE WHO JUST MOVED IN NEXT DOOR?" "Agnes:" "YES, BLACK AS THE ACE OF SPADES." "Woman 1:" "OOH, THERE GOES THE NEIGHBORHOOD" "THEM AND THEIR SMELLY COOKING." "Agnes:" "AND THE NOISE." "Woman 1:" "AND THEY BREED LIKE RABBITS." "Agnes:" "OH, YES." "( spots splatting incessantly )" "HELLO, AND WELCOME TO ELECTION NIGHT SPECIAL." "THERE'S GREAT EXCITEMENT HERE AT THE MOMENT" "AS WE SHOULD BE GETTING THE FIRST RESULT THROUGH" "ANY MOMENT NOW;" "WE DON'T KNOW WHERE IT WILL BE FROM." "IT MIGHT BE FROM LEICESTER OR FROM LUTON." "THE POLLING'S BEEN QUITE HEAVY IN BOTH AREAS." "OH, WAIT A MOMENT-- I'M JUST GETTING" "A LOUD BUZZING NOISE IN MY LEFT EAR." "EXCUSE ME A MOMENT." "( buzzing )" "( grunts )" "ANYWAY, LET'S GO STRAIGHT OVER" "TO JAMES GILBERT AT LEICESTER." "GiLbert:" "WELL, IT'SA STRAIGHT FIGHT HEREAT LEICESTER." "ON THE LEFT OF THE RETURNING OFFICER" "YOU CAN SEEARTHUR SMITH, THE SENSIBLE CANDIDATE" "AND HISAGENT, AND ON THE OTHER SIDE IS" "THE SILLY CANDIDATE, JETHRO WALRUSTITTY" "WITH HISAGENTAND HIS WIFE." "( officer clearing throat )" "HERE IS THE RESULT FOR LEICESTER:" "ARTHUR J. SMITH..." "SENSIBLE PARTY." "Officer:" "30,612." "( crowd cheering )" "JETHRO Q. WALRUSTITTY." "SILLY PARTY." "Officer:" "32,108." "( crowd cheering )" "WELL, THERE'S THE FIRST RESULT" "AND THE SILLY PARTY HAVE HELD LEICESTER." "WHAT DO YOU MAKE OF THAT, NORMAN?" "WELL, THIS IS LARGELY AS I PREDICTED" "EXCEPT THAT THE SILLY PARTY WON." "( laughter )" "BUT THEN, THIS IS MAINLY DUE" "TO THE NUMBER OF VOTES CAST" " GERALD." "WELL, THERE'S A SWING HERE TO THE SILLY PARTY" "BUT HOW BIG A SWING I'M NOT GOING TO TELL YOU." "WELL, IF I MAY, I THINK THE INTERESTING THING HERE" "IS THE BIG SWING TO THE SILLY PARTY" "AND OF COURSE, THE VERY LARGE SWING BACK TO THE SENSIBLE PARTY" "AND A TENDENCY TO WOBBLE UP AND DOWN IN THE MIDDLE" "BECAUSE THE SCREW IS LOOSE." "I'M AFRAID I CAN'T THINK OF ANYTHING." "I CAN'T ADD ANYTHING TO THAT" " COLIN?" "CAN I JUST BUTT IN AT THIS POINT AND SAY THIS IS IN FACT" "THE VERY FIRST TIME I'VE EVER APPEARED ON TELEVISION?" "NO, WE HAVEN'T TIME BECAUSE WE'RE GOING" "STRAIGHT OVER TO LUTON." "HEREAT LUTON" "IT'SA THREE-CORNERED FIGHT" "BETWEEN ALANJONES, SENSIBLE PARTY, IN THE MIDDLE" "TARQUIN FIN-TIM-LIN-BIN-WHIN- BIM-LIN-BUS-STOP-F'TANG-F'TANG- OLE-BISCUITBARREL" "SILLY PARTY" "AND KEVIN PHILLIPS-BONG, THE SLIGHTLY SILLY CANDIDATE." "Officer:" "ALAN JONES..." "ON THE LEFT, SENSIBLE PARTY." "Officer:" "9,112." "( cheering, applause )" "KEVIN PHILLIPS-BONG..." "ON THE RIGHT, SLIGHTLY SILLY." "Officer:" "NAUGHT." "TARQUIN FIN-TIM-LIN-BIN-WHIN- BIM-LIN-BUS-STOP-F'TANG-F'TANG- OLE-BISCUITBARREL..." "SILLY." "Officer:" "12,441." "( cheering )" "AND SO THE SILLY PARTY HAS TAKEN LUTON." "A GAIN FOR THE SILLY PARTY AT LUTON" "THE FIRST GAIN OF THE ELECTION" " NORMAN." "WELL, THIS IS A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT RESULT." "LUTON, NORMALLY A VERY SENSIBLE CONSTITUENCY" "WITH A HIGH PROPORTION OF PEOPLE WHO AREN'T A BIT SILLY" "HAS GONE COMPLETELY GAGA." "DO WE HAVE THE SWING AT LUTON?" "WELL, I'VE WORKED OUT THE SWING, BUT IT'S A SECRET." "( laughter )" "ER..." "WELL, AH, THERE..." "THERE ISN'T THE SWING, AND HOW ABOUT THE SWONG?" "WELL, I'VE GOT THE SWONG HERE IN THIS BOX, AND IT'S LOOKING FINE." "I CAN SEE THROUGH THE BREATHING HOLES" "THAT IT'S EATING UP PEANUTS AT A RATE OF KNOTS." "AND HOW ABOUT THE SWANG?" "WELL, IT'S 29% UP OVER 600 FEET" "BUT IT'S A LITTLE BIT SOFT AROUND THE EDGES ABOUT..." "WHAT DO YOU MAKE OF THE NYLON DOT CARDIGAN" "AND PLASTIC MULE REST?" "Anchorman:" "THERE'S NO SUCH THING." "THANK YOU, SPIKE." "CAN I JUST COME IN HERE AND SAY" "THAT THE SWONG HAS CHOKED ITSELF TO DEATH?" "WELL, THE ELECTION'S REALLY BEGINNING TO HOT UP NOW." "I CAN'T ADD ANYTHING TO THAT." "CAN I JUST ADD AT THIS POINT THIS IS IN FACT THE SECOND TIME" "I'VE EVER APPEARED ON TELEVISION?" "I'M SORRY, SASHA, WE'RE JUST ABOUT TO GET ANOTHER RESULT." "HELLO, FROM HARPENDEN." "THIS ISA KEY SEAT, BECAUSE IN ADDITION" "TO THE OFFICIAL SILLY CANDIDATE" "THERE ISAN INDEPENDENT VERY SILLY CANDIDATE" "WHO MA Y SPLIT THE SILLY VOTE." "Officer:" "MR. ELSIE ZZZZZZZZZ...." "SILLY." "Officer:" "26,317... ( cheering )" "JAMES WALKER..." "SENSIBLE." "26,318." "THAT WAS CLOSE." "Officer:" "MALCOLM PETER BRIAN TELESCOPE ADRIAN UMBRELLA STAND JASPER" "WEDNESDAY ( makes mouth noises ) STOATGOBBLER JOHN RAW VEGETABLE" "( whinnies )" "ARTHUR NORMAN MICHAEL" "( blowing squeaker )" "FEATHERSTONE SMITH" "( blows whistle )" "NORTHGOT EDWARDS HARRIS" "( fires pistol )" "( whooping )" "MASON" "CHUF, CHUF, CHUF" "FRAMPTON JONES FRUITBAT GILBERT..." "WE'LLKEEP A WELCOME IN THE...  ( three shots )" "WILLIAMS "IF I COULD WALK THAT WAY" JENKIN" "( squeaker )" "TIGER DRAWERS PRATT THOMPSON" "RAINDROPSKEEPFALLING ON MY HEAD" "DARCY CARTER" "( blows horn )" "PUSSYCAT" "DON'TSLEEPIN THESUBWAY" "BARTON MANNERING" "( whoops )" "SMITH." "VERY SILLY." "Officer:" "TWO." "WELL, THERE YOU HA VE IT" "A SENSIBLE GAIN HEREAT DRIFFIELD." "NORMAN." "WELL, I'VE JUST HEARD" "FROM LUTON THAT MY AUNTIE'S ILL" "POSSIBLY, POSSIBLY GASTROENTERITIS" " GERALD." "WELL, IF THIS WERE REPEATED OVER THE WHOLE COUNTRY" "IT'D PROBABLY BE VERY MESSY" " COLIN." "CAN I JUST BUTT IN AND SAY HERE THAT IT'S PROBABLY THE LAST TIME" "I SHALL EVER APPEAR ON TELEVISION?" "NO, I'M AFRAID YOU CAN'T." "WE HAVEN'T GOT TIME." "JUST TO BRING YOU UP TO DATE" "WITH THE FEW RESULTS THAT YOU MAY HAVE MISSED" "ENGELBERT HUMPERDINCK HAS TAKEN BARROW-IN-FURNESS." "THAT'S A GAIN FROM ANN HAYDON- JONES AND HER HUSBAND PIP." "ARTHUR NEGUS HAS HELD BRISTOLS." "THAT'S NOT A RESULT, THAT'S A BIT OF GOSSIP." "AND ER..." "MARY WHITEHOUSE HAS JUST TAKEN UMBRAGE." "COULD BE A BIT OF TROUBLE THERE." "AND APPARENTLY WALES IS NOT SWINGING AT ALL." "NO SURPRISE THERE." "AND MONTY PYTHON HAS HELD THE CREDITS." "( Sousa's "Liberty Bell March" playing )" "[Captioning sponsored by THE U.S. DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION and AE TELEVISION NETWORKS]" "( cheering and applause )" "[Captioned by The Caption Center WGBH educational Foundation]" "( music ends )"