"Oh noble Prince, your secret note of love has won my heart." "The castle of my body is yours, by right of conquest." "Come, let your tongue dive into the moat of my mouth, and let your hands take possession of the ramparts of my plumpies." "For I'm yours, and yours alone." "And I'm yours." "Urgh!" "Edmund!" "I thought you your brother." "Uh, uh, uh, aaaagh!" "The Swiss are always cowards." "My Lord, good news." "The Swiss have invaded France." "Excellent!" "Wessex, while they're away, take 10,000 troops and pillage Geneva." "But the Swiss are our allies, My Lord." "Oh yes..." "Well, er, get them to dress up as Germans, will you?" "Chiswick, remind me to send flowers to the King of France, in symapthy for the death of his son." "The one you had murdered, My Lord..." " Yes, that's the fellow." "Father!" " My Lord.." " Will you get away from me!" "Ha, ha, Harry, the gentle art of diplomacy." "But you know where the real secret of diplomacy lies, don't you, my boy?" "Well, actually, I don't, Father, but I would like to know." "There." "Are you sure?" "I can't imagine anything of any real interest down there." "Let me explain." "What's that for?" "Well, a couple of things..." "Correct." "One of those things is?" "Best not mentioned, really." "Right!" "And the other is fornication." "And without fornication, there is no marriage, and without marriage, there is no diplomacy." "Oh, I see." "Very good." "Let me explain further." "You see, my boy, I've decided to ally to a nation most threatening to France." "The answer of course is, Chiswick, Spain!" "And the best way to cement an alliance, of course, is marriage." "Therefore I've decided that you shall marry the Spanish Infanta!" "Oh, congratulations, Your Majesty!" "Actually, I don't think I can." "What?" "Why not?" "I am already engaged." "What?" "Who to, boy?" "Princess Leia of Hungary, Grand Duchess Ursula of Brandenburg, and Queen Beowulfa of Iceland and..." "Countess Caroline of Luxembourg," "Bertha of Flanders, Bertha of Brussels," "Bernard of Saxe-Coburg and Jezabel of Estonia." "No, no, no, sorry, that should be..." "Bertha of Saxe-Coburg..." "and Jeremy of Estonia." "Damn, damn, damn, damn!" "But if I haven't got a son to marry her, then the whole plan falls apart." " Your Majesty." " Yes!" "You do have another son, My Lord." "What?" "My God, of course, you're right." "The slimy one." "What's his name?" " Edmund, My Lord." " Yes, Osmond." " Osmond can marry the Infanta!" " Excellent idea!" "Then with a Spanish alliance, we can massacre both the Swiss and the French." "Hurrah!" "By dividing their forces into two!" "Preferably their top halves from their bottom halves!" "Ow." " Morning, My Lord." " Morning." "My God, what's happened to your neck?" "Huh?" "Er, w-w-w-well..." "They're love bites, actually." "Look more like dog bites to me." "Well, yes, she was...a bit of an animal." " Oh, yes." " Fight to the death, eh?" "Yes." "As my tutor, Old Bubble Face, used to say," ""Make love and be merry," ""for tomorrow you may catch some disgusting skin disease."" "Actually, I'd be prepared to swear they were dog bites." "They are not dog bites!" "She was very attractive." "Yeah, shiny coat, wet nose, clear eyes." "No, Baldrick." "It was a woman." "Fair enough, My Lord." "Right, now that's sorted out." "Percy, what are we up to today?" "Well, My Lord..." "First I thought that you and I... might get out a couple of prisoners... and actually I think Baldrick may have a point there, they do look rather like dog bites." "Yes, yes, all right, all right!" "They're dog bites!" "I've got bitten by a dog." "A woman pushed me off a rampart, because she thought I was so hideously ugly, and I got ravaged by a raving dog!" "Does that satisfy you?" " Yes, My Lord." "Yes." " Good." "Excellent." "Good." "Right." "Yes, Percy, you were saying?" "Right, My Lord." "Well, I thought that we might...so it wasn't a woman?" "No!" "It was a dog!" "It was a dog!" "It was a bloody great dog!" "Right, My Lord." "Of course, Harry gets all the women, doesn't he?" "Shut up." "I never want to hear women mentioned in my company again." "What about dogs?" " ...or dogs." "Shut up, Baldrick." "I never want to see a woman again." "If any woman wants to talk to me, you can warn her" "The Black Adder is a venomous reptile and women are his prey." "Enter!" "Unless you're a woman, in which case, prepare to be thrown out of the window." "With your dog..." " My Lord, I bring a message." "Yes, obviously." "You're a messenger." "You're engaged to be married to the Infanta Maria of Spain." "What?" "My Lord, I bring a message." "You are..." "Yes, yes, yes." "Ah." "Go on, get out." "Get, get out, out, out!" " Well, boys, did you hear that?" " Mmm." "I am to marry the Infanta of Spain." "Yes, My Lord." "Shall I go and tell her?" "What?" "The Black Adder is a venomous reptile..." "No, no, no, no, no!" "This is no ordinary woman, Percy." "This is a beautiful royal princess." "Just imagine what the Spanish Infanta must be like." "Ah, bienvenida a nuestro castillo." "Espero que encuentre los desagues a sus satisfaccion." "Hmm?" "It's Spanish." "It means "Welcome to our castle." "I hope you find the drains to your satisfaction."" "Well, here you are, I've jotted it down." "Should help break the ice with the Infanta." "Oh, by the way, I don't think you know the Countess Caroline of Luxembourg." "Er, no, er, how do you do, young lady?" "Well, good luck." "Er, bienvenue a notre chateau, Caroline..." "Luxembourg!" "Ha!" "My God, have you ever seen anyone so obviously seething with jealousy?" "No, I haven't!" " Seethe, seethe, seethe." "If he goes on seething like that much longer, he'll turn into a seethe." "Baldrick, what are you talking about?" "My Lord." " Yes, what is it?" "You know, they do say that the Infanta's eyes are more beautiful than the famous Stone of Galveston." "Mmm!" "The what?" "The famous Stone of Galveston, My Lord." "And...what's that exactly?" "Well, it's a famous blue stone and it comes...from Galveston." "I see." "And what about it?" "Well, My Lord, the Infanta's eyes are bluer than it, for a start." "I see." "And have you ever seen this stone?" "No." "Not as such, My Lord." "But I know a couple of people who have, and they say it's very very blue indeed." "And have these people seen the Infanta's eyes?" "No, I shouldn't think so, My Lord." "And neither have you, presumably." " No, My Lord." "So, what you're telling me, Percy, is that something you have never seen is slightly less blue than something else you have never seen." "Yes, My Lord." "Percy, in the end, you are about as much use to me as an hole in the head an affliction of which you must be familiar, never actually having had a brain." " Hello!" " Hello." "Here I am, awaiting the arrival of the most beautiful, ravishing..." "Hello!" "Look, leave me alone, will you, I'm trying to talk to someone." "..while you're wittering away like a moorhen..." "You are the true love of my life, my love, my love!" "What?" "Percy, is this a friend of yours?" "Someone you..." "You are the only one for me." "I merely want to hug and kiss you!" "I am the Infanta!" "What?" "No one told me you had a beard." "Must be Jeremy of Estonia." " Yo soy la Infanta!" " Well, absolutely." "Aaah!" "I have waited for this moment all of my life!" "Your nose is smaller than I expected." "I suffer no similar disappointment." "My love, my love." "Mm, mm, mm, mm..." "Your lips, I like." "It's the rest of your body I wish to find out more about." "...I'll slit their gizzards." "My Lord, news." " What?" "The Spanish Infanta has arrived." " Ah, good news!" "Soon we will have Spain in our grip." "My Lord, news." "The King of France sends his greetings." "Good news." "My diplomacy triumphs." "My Lord, news." "Lord Wessex is dead." "Ah..." "This news is not so good." " Pardon, My Lord?" "I like it not." "Bring me some other news." "Pardon, My Lord?" "I like not this news!" "Bring me some other news!" "Yes, My Lord." "My Lord, news." "Lord Wessex is not dead." " Ah!" "Good news." "Let there be joy and celebration." "Let jubilation reign!" "Yes, My Lord." " Oh yes, and tell Osmund that, to further strengthen ties with Spain, he marries tomorrow." "Yes, My Lord." "Chiswick!" "Fresh horses!" "Oh my God!" "In 24 hours, I'll be married to a walrus." "But, My Lord, you can't just lock her out, you know." "Well, you may be right." "That should hold her for at least a minute." "Wait a moment, My Lord." "I think I may have a plan to get you out of this marriage." "Yes, but it's a stupid plan, Percy, let's face it!" "Oh, well, yes, maybe you're right." "But... tell me what it is anyway." "Er, no, actually I don't think I'll bother, My Lord." "Oh, please, please tell me what your plan is, please tell me, please tell me." " All right." "All right, I go along to the Infanta's room and tell her that you've gone mad." "She comes to the door and you meet her disguised as a little pig." "Then..." "This is the cunning bit..." "Instead of saying "oink, oink", you say "mooo"." "Then?" "Well, then she'll know you're mad and leave." "Ow!" "You were right, Percy, you shouldn't have bothered." " My Lord?" " What?" "I also have a plan." "Yes?" "Why not make her think you prefer the company of men?" "But I do, Baldrick, I do!" "No, My Lord, I mean... the, er, intimate company of men?" "You don't mean... like the Earl of Doncaster?" "I mean just like the Earl of Doncaster." "That great radish, that steaming great left-footer." "The Earl of Doncaster, Baldrick, has been riding side-saddle since he was 17." "Mm!" "And who would marry the Earl of Doncaster?" "Well, no one would..." "Brilliant!" "Of course." "No one would marry the Earl of Doncaster." "Except perhaps the Duke of Beaufort." "Well, what are we going to do?" "Well, first we've got to get you looking right." "Just need to drape something effeminate around your shoulders." "Either of the Beaufort twins should do." "Right." "Perfect." "Now all you need to do is practise with Percy." "Practise what?" "Presentation, My Lord." "You stand over here, and, My Lord, just there." "Right, now, Percy," "Lord Edmund is going to try to make himself, er, attractive to you." "Attractive?" "You know, like the Earl of Doncaster." "Good Lord." "Oh, well, fair enough." "No, you act normal, I'm the Earl of Doncaster." "Oh, I see." " That's me." "Right." " Right." "Go!" "Oh, my God, this is impossible." "I can't do this." "Never mind." "I've a couple more things that might help." "Percy, Percy, what am I going to do?" "Well, perhaps we could try and strike up a conversation." "Ah, right." "Er, hel...hello..." "Hello there!" "Ah, hello." "How are you?" " I'm fine." "Have you heard?" "Prince Edmund's going to marry the Spanish Infanta." "No, he damn well isn't." "Anyone who says I am, gets it." "Do you hear me?" "Oh!" "Oh!" "oh!" "Yes, that's the kind of thing." "Look out." "Here she comes." "Morning, Doncaster." "Chiswick, take this to the Queen of Naples." "What is it, My Lord?" " The King of Naples." "Immediately, My Lord." "Quick, quick." "Oh, my God." "Ah!" "Some, er, lark for the stag party, what?" "Er...yes, yes, that's right." "I don't think you've met the Grand Duchess Ursula of Brandenburg." "Er, no, how do you do, Ursula?" "Actually, I wanted to have a word with you about my speech at the wedding feast." "I thought perhaps I'd go for a fruit motif." " Er, yes." " Something like," ""It is with extrawberry pleasure that we welcome you."" ""May you be the apple of your husband's eye."" ""And may he in turn cherries you."" "Cherish, you see." " Oh, ha ha." ""Even though it's an oranged marriage."" "What do you think?" "Brilliant." "Quite, quite brilliant." "I thought it was rather good." "I'm hoping to squeeze in a banana by the end of the day." "Willkommen in unserer Schloss, Ursula..." "My Lord, this is it." "Oh, Mother, for Chrissakes, what do you want?" "Oh!" "Nothing, nothing." "It's working, it's working!" "Oh I embrace and love you utterly." " What?" "Oh, what a love this must be that you dress like a Spanish man to delight me!" "Baldrick!" " What love, what love!" "Baldrick, you fool." "Look at the two lovebirds." "One lovebird and one love-elephant." "It's almost as if they were married already." "What did you say?" "It's almost as if you were married already." "That's what I thought you said." "Oh!" "Ah!" "Boys." "Yes, My Lord." "I think I have another plan." " Oh, uh!" "H'yah!" "Percy, is she the best you could do?" "I mean, I am marrying the woman!" "Yes, I know, but it's only for a couple of days, isn't it..." "Ah yes, that's true." "Come on, hurry up, Father!" "Er, yes, very well." "Er, we are gathered here, O gracious Lord, to bear witness, at very short notice." "..to the marriage of these two God-fearing Christians," "Edmund, the Duke of Edinburgh and Tully Applebottom." "Is that right?" " Yes, that's right!" "Whoever would have thought it?" "The Duke of Edinburgh, consumed with passion, whisks away little Tully!" "Shut up!" "Come on, get on with it, Father, will you?" "Yes, very well." "Are you Edmund, Duke of Edinburgh?" "No, I'm a bowl of soup." "Come on, hurry up, hurry up, hurry up..." "And are you Miss Tully Applebottom?" "Er, Mrs." "Mrs." "Ah." "Ah." "Well, never mind, get on with it, Father, come on!" "Yes, but surely if she's..." "Look, the Church is never going to progress if it isn't just a bit adaptable!" "But this is most unusual." "Well, mind you, hasn't the Church always dealt with the unusual?" "The miracle with the fishes, for example!" "We'll continue." "So, no-one knows any cause or just impediment why these persons may not be joined together in holy matimony." "No." "No." "No." "No." "No." "No." "Yes!" "And you are?" "Mr Applebottom." "Then you are the father of the bride!" "No, I'm the "husband" of the...bride." "Oh, this is my husband, Thomas." "Thomas, this is my fiance, the Duke of Edinburgh." "Prince Edmund, this is Thomas." "Er, Thomas, this is Father O'..." "Er, Smith." "I called about the ducking-stool you found." "Mr. Applebottom, I was just wondering whether I could possibly have a temporary arrangement with your good lady." "I only need her for a very short stint." "Get out!" "Look, you stupid peasant, all I want to do is marry your wife!" "Get out of here!" "Oh!" "That was the Duke of Edinburgh, you know!" "No!" "That'll be the Earl of Doncaster." " Well, this is nice." " Yes." "To have a little talk about ladies' things." "Just the two of us." "So tell me, Mrs Queen, about English men." "Oh, well, they spend most of their time with animals, you know." "And with other men." "But, oh, when they do come to the women, they only want one thing." "What is that?" "Well, it's a kind of pudding, made with bread and butter and raisins." "Oh!" "And of course, the other thing!" "And what is the other thing?" " Oh, well, custard." " Crema." "Now, Edmund, what's he like?" "Well, I told you, this pudding." "No, what's he like in bed." " In bed!" "In bed, yes." "Well..." "In bed he likes hot milk with just a little touch of cinnamon." "No, no, no, no." "What...is...he..." "like?" "Oh, yes." "Oh." "Well, he's like a little rabbit, really." "Mummy, Mummy, how much I love him." "I would never have believed that my stag party would be like this." "The most depressing night of my life." "Well, My Lord, at least you can take solace from one thing." "What's that?" "You can be pretty sure your wife's a virgin." "Or at least there are no living witnesses to the contrary." "If she wasn't, we might still stand a chance." "Officially, you've still got to be a virgin." "What, My Lord?" "Oh!" "Oh oh oh no." "No." "No!" "Yes!" "Yes!" "Yes!" "Please, My Lord, I beg you to reconsider." "Baldrick, if there was any other way, you know I'd take it." "But I'll die in there." "Don't worry, we'll give you a hero's funeral." "Bury you at sea, say you died in combat with an enemy vessel." "Right." "Now, go on, in you go." "Little boy with big job to do." "Come on, Percy, let's get the King." "Infanta!" "Infanta!" "Edmundo?" "Edmundo, amor mio." "Oh, Edmund, my love." " My Lord, Your Majesty." " What?" " I bring the gravest of news." " What?" "Have our armies on the Rhine been slaughtered to a man, and their heads cut off, and melted cheese poured down their nostrils in the traditional Swiss manner?" " No, My Lord." "Don't hold back, please, my little one." "Do you bring me news of the Russian royal family, mistaken for bison, due to their excessive winter clothing, and hunted down, chopped to pieces, and eaten as little sweets by Mongolian bandits?" "No, My Lord." "Ahh-ahh!" "What, then?" "My Lord, the Spanish Infanta is not a virgin." "Ahh!" "Yes, I know that." "Mas!" "Her uncle told me." "Again, please." "We took 500 off the dowry because of it." "But I thought..." "Only one of you has to be a virgin." "Anything else?" "Dearly beloved, we are gathered together here in the sight of Our Lord, to witness the marriage of two God-fearing Christians." "Are you Edmund, Duke of Edinburgh?" "Ye-yes, I am." "Are you Maria Escalosa Fiona Infan..." "Yes, you stupid person, hurry up," "I wish to entwine him again in my broad thighs." "Marriage is an holy state, conceived by God." "If any man here knows just cause..." " Dear Lord, please help me now." "..let him speak now or forever hold his peace." "Now's your chance." "So be it." "Oh, thanks a lot." "Come on!" "Do you, Edmund Plantaganet, take Maria..." " Usted, Edmundo Plantaganet..." " Oh, shut up." "..to be your lawful wedded wife, to have and to hold, to cherish and to delight, to chastise and to beat until death... ..until death do you part." "Speak up!" "Can't hear a thing back here." "I do." "Still can't hear!" "I do, I do, I do!" " Do you, Maria Escalosa Infante," " Si, si!" " ..take Edmund Plantagenet..." " Yes, yes." "Oh, no!" " I then pronounce you..." " Stop!" "Christ!" "I bring unbelievable news that must halt the wedding." "What?" "Have the Swiss and French made sudden peace with each other at a mountain-pass rendez-vous, then forged a clandestine alliance with Spain, thus leaving us without friends in Europe, unless by chance we make an immediate pact with Hungary?" "Yes." "As I thought." "Are there any Hungarian Princesses in the castle?" "Yes, I think I've got one." "Er..." "Yes, Princess Leia of Hungary." "What's she like?" "Er, Leia is young and beautiful, her eyes are like opals, her hair a cascade of perfect chestnut." "That sounds all right." "Excuse me, what is happening, please?" "Call her into the court." "And as for that great Spanish dumpling there, get her out of my sight at once!" "Or I'll eat her." "Argh!" "My love, save me." "Sorry, what can I do?" "Politics." "Come on, come on, come on." "Where is she?" "Where is Princess Leia?" "Ah, good." "Good!" "Osmond, meet your new wife." "Hello, Edmund." "Hello." "Are we getting married now?" "Yes, I believe we are." "Come on, then." "Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today." ""And so it came to pass" ""that the Big Bear had to leave all his friends," ""and go to live in a land far away," ""where the elves and the fairies would look after him," ""until the day that he died."" "Oh!" "That was lovely, Edmund." "What a happy story." "Isn't it time to put the light out?" "Yes, my dear, I think it is." "It must be at least six o'clock." "# The sound of hoof-beats 'cross the glade" "# Good folk, lock up your son and daughter" "# Beware the deadly flashing blade" "# Unless you want to end up shorter" "# Black Adder, Black Adder" "# He rides a pitch-black steed" "# Black Adder, Black Adder" "# He's very bad indeed" "# Black, his gloves of finest mole" "# Black, his codpiece made of metal" "# His horse is blacker than a vole" "# His pot is blacker than his kettle" "# Black Adder, Black Adder" "# With many a cunning plan" "# Black Adder, Black Adder" "# You horrid little man #" "Can I have a drink of water, please?" "Yes, yes, yes." "All right."