"IAN:" "Shall we?" "MAURICE:" "We shall." "Oh, my God." "Now what have I got today?" "Oh." "Mmm." "You should try these." "You'll never wake up." "It's the waking up pills I'm looking for." "Anything blue, I recommend for that." "White ones give me more of a thrill." "Mmm." " Cheers." " There we are." ""Do not operate heavy machinery." ""Keep away from children."" "Biblical advice." "WOMAN:" "There you go, gentlemen." " IAN:" "Thank you." " Excellent, my dear." " Have you got my glasses?" " No, you've got them." "Why would I have them?" "I'm not wearing them, am I?" "Christ, I've lost them now!" "That's the worst thing that's ever happened..." "They're in your right hand." "Oh, yeah." "You wouldn't last five minutes without me." "I'm getting help." " Professional?" " My niece's girl." "MAURICE:" "Have you worked out what the girl will actually do?" "She'll shop and cook for me." " A sort of nurse, then?" " No uniform." "Don't give yourself a coronary." "At the hospital they said if I'm clear in five years, I'm safe." "I said, "By then I'll be drinking with Jesus."" "He's looking forward to meeting you." "He loved your Polonius." "But he found your Caesar a little weak." "IAN:" "Weak?" "MAURICE:" "A little..." " what?" "...fruity." "IAN:" "No, he fucking didn't." "Did he?" "Fruity?" "What the fuck?" "Fruity!" "Fucking fruit." "MAURICE:" "I'm parched." "How about a drink?" "This isn't a pub." "I've got to get her room ready." "Can I help?" "God, no." "No, don't flap it about like that, Maurice." "I'm getting wind rash." " I'll tuck it in, you'll tire yourself." " She'll suffocate in there." "There's no reason for her to move around unnecessarily at night." " Not unless she needs to attend to me." " In what way?" "I've bought a little bell to put beside my bed." "(BELL TINKLING)" "If I feel unwell, I can tinkle it." "See?" "I bet she can't wait to hear that little tinkle." "I've bought her a pink towel, too." "So there's no confusion in the bathroom." "No, you wouldn't want that." "No." "And in case she wants something to read, I got her these." "MAURICE:" "Fucking Edith wharton." "IAN:" "L really want to educate the girl, Maurice." "Pass something on." "Yes, dear." "She loves music." "While we're eating, I thought we could listen to the St. Matthew Passion." "Lovely." "No doubt it'll be tomato soup and a temazepam for you." "No doubt." "Shall I get her to run a nice bath and put my dressing-gown on the radiator?" "I hope she can do a rocket salad." "Or something interesting with fish." "DOCTOR:" "Going anywhere nice for the holidays?" "(MAURICE MUMBLING)" " Where?" " Piranha fish." "Fantastic." "Right, Maurice, deep breath for me now." "And, there we go." "(GROANING)" "Easy but not necessarily nice." "Uncomfortable?" "That's quite normal." "Feel the same myself." "Everything all right otherwise?" "Life treating you well?" " Jesus Christ." " Good." "The prostate should feel like a peach with a groove down the center." "Yours is a little bumpy." "There might be a small nodule in there, but it could easily be nothing." "So we need to send you to a specialist." "A lot of older men have this problem." "It rarely kills them." "They die of something else first." "Right." "So you should worry a little but not a lot." "Now then... woman 1:" "Not after last year." "I made that quite clear." "WOMAN 2:" "Good on you." "WOMAN 1:" "In the end, there was such a stream of..." "You know." " Really?" " Yeah." "Coming and going, and all that." "I felt like standing outside and shouting," ""Another warm body for my friend."" " You should have done." " Yeah, I know." "Excuse me." "That's fine." "All done." "Can you put your finger on that, please?" "WOMAN 1:" "Hello." "How are we today?" "Come on, old man!" "(HUMMING)" "IAN:" "Thank Christ you're here." "MAURICE:" "What's up?" "Horrible, horrible, foul and vile beyond belief." "What an upset." "Was the bath too cold or the towel too hot?" " Was the fish overcooked?" " Fish?" "Fish?" "Fish?" "I'd have been lucky to get a fish finger inserted into my rectum." " Good God!" " God, Maurice." "What's gone wrong?" "It's hardly been 24 hours, already I'm screaming for euthanasia." " Shouldn't you be getting ready?" " For what?" "The theater." "Oh, God, yes." "Yes." "Let's leave immediately." "I'll just change." "Let's hope it's a long play." "You've never said that before." "I'm Maurice." "Maurice." "You?" "Can I?" "You will find I usually call around this time, for a little drinkie." "I like whiskey with a whisker of water." "No more than a whisker, mind you." "That ruins it." "It's called "drowning."" "Drowning." "Do you know how to mix drinks?" "Once acquired, it's a talent that will serve you for life." "Like typing." "(MAN CHATTERING ON TV)" "So, what are you doing?" " In London, I mean." " Looking for work." " What sort of work?" " Work." " You know, work." " Yes, yes, I know all about it." "Any particular kind?" " Modeling." " There can't be much call for that." " Call for what?" " Yodeling." "Not yodeling!" "Yodeling?" "Modeling!" "You know." "You know anyone in the modeling field?" "Yes." "I know everyone." "Do you have a fallback position?" "No." " No, I don't need one." " Right." " Are you saying I do?" " No." "I wouldn't say that." " No." " No?" "Good." "I'm thirsty now." "Can I have a beer?" "I told him to get me some in." " What did he say?" " He said it were a slippery slope." "Oh!" "(CLEARS THROAT)" "MAURICE:" "Lan?" "MAURICE:" "It won't be as good as Celebrity Love Island, but it will be live." " Live?" " You might enjoy it." " Can't we go and see Lion King?" " What a good idea." "WOMAN 1:" "Come on, you minger!" "WOMAN 2:" "What a mess you've made." "Oh, God!" "No!" "No, no!" "Stupid cunt." "You're in the biggest trouble of your life." "Come on." "Don't make me stand here on my own, you cunts!" "I can't stand it." " WOMAN 1:" "Come with us." " Now I've got no one." "WOMAN 2:" "Get a minder." "I so loved you in the Dickens the other night." "You noticed me?" "Don't be silly, of course I did." "You were very funny and clever." "Thank you." " Jillian?" " Yeah, Jillian." " You're famous?" " A little bit." " What's your name again?" " Maurice." "Maurice Russell." "Oh, right." "(BELL RINGING)" "Isn't it the end?" "It's never the end when you go to the theater, I'm afraid." " Come on." " Are you taking me somewhere?" " Yeah." " How wonderful." "(RB MUSIC PLAYING)" "JESSIE:" "I'll have a Bacardi Breezer." "MAURICE:" "Me, too." "MAURICE:" "What is it?" "JESSIE:" "It's red." "MAURICE:" "Oh, good." "Like wine?" "JESSIE:" "Is it?" "Getting on well with Uncle lan?" " Do you know anything about fish?" " Fuck all, my dear." " You?" " Fuck all." " You could consult a book." " A book?" "Yeah, you know, two flaps of cardboard with printed pages in between." " Do you read a lot?" " Only when there's no one to talk to." "That went down a treat." "Another?" " I'll let you get me one more." " Oh, thank you." "Excuse me." "JESSIE:" "I think you're sweating on me." "I think it's gone in me mouth." " I'm sure you've swallowed worse." " Oh, shit." "JESSIE:" "I think I'm gonna be sick." "Come on." "Come on, Jessie." "Nearly there." "There you go." "(EXCLAIMS)" "(BELL TINKLING)" "(MAURICE LAUGHING)" "MAURICE:" "Oh, fuck!" "Jesus!" " Dad?" "Dad." "Don't leave us." " He's going." "He's going." "MAN:" "No." "Goodbye." "Goodbye." "Goodbye, Dad." "MAN 2:" "And cut." " Very good." " MAN 3:" "All right, thanks, everybody." " Are you okay?" " I think I'm going to die." "You can't die yet, Maurice, we haven't shot them carrying the body out yet." "(CHUCKLING)" "Hello, mate." "Here you are, Mr. Russell, as requested." "Thanks, old chap." "And may I take some of these cakes?" "Sure, why not?" "I'll pack some up for you." "Thank you." "I'm in such pain, dear, I don't want to live." "Yes, you do." "Almost all of us want you to live." "I have to have an operation." " What is it?" " Prostate." " I'm sure it's just routine." " Maurice, I'm so sorry." "You've always wanted to remove my balls surgically." "These cakes are awfully nice." "Action." "Bravo." "I've been at it like a dog all day." "I'm utterly broken." " What were you playing?" " A corpse, more or less." "Typecast again." "(CHUCKLING)" "Here." "I asked them for cash." "Well, not all of it." "Please, take it." "Put it towards the boiler, it gets cold in here." "The whole thing's useless." "It's all got to be replaced, Maurice, the radiators, everything." " The man came yesterday." " I owe you thousands." "Over the years, you've been more than generous." " I haven't forgotten." " No." "Can't the children contribute?" "Can't we look after ourselves in our old age?" "(EXCLAIMING)" " Sammy's gone." " He has?" " Yeah." " Christ." "Big picture of him here as a handsome young spunker." " Another one down." " Yeah." "I wonder how many lines I'll get?" "A paragraph." "Lo, here comes Caesar." "And moving rather rapidly for someone who's just picked up his disability check." "Oh, God." " Hello, love." " Hello, Donald." "Thank Christ she's asleep now." "She's drunk all my best Stoli and the Scotch!" "She even put away the Drambuie I was saving for your Christmas visit." "God, no?" "I bought this lovely bit of halibut yesterday, but she didn't know what to do with it." "Dear Jesus." "Her notion of cooking is to stick a plate of virtual sick into the microwave." " Well, can't you call the police?" " That's a very good idea." "Oh, or just kill them, kill the young." "Exterminate their disgusting happiness and hope." "This is not fucking funny!" "I've got high blood pressure." "I could die at any moment." " Why doesn't she just go back home?" " I rang my niece." "I begged her." "I wept more than Antigone." "I said I'd pay for the taxi to wherever, you know." "Martha said there is no job in the countryside." "There must be some demand for barmaids and prostitutes." "Yeah, I mean, even in the country they need young women to lap dance." " What?" "What?" " What do you know about that?" "You can learn a lot from the television." "Look, the fact is Martha just doesn't want her back." "But to unleash her on us like this, you know." " Maliciously." " MAURICE:" "Exactly." " It's pure evil." " DONALD:" "Of course it is." " Evil." " Did your niece do it deliberately?" "What?" "What?" "You men are laughing at me." " Let's think about this collectively." " Yeah, please, please, please." " Thank you." " We hate to see you suffer, lan." "Oh, please, Maurice, you're fond of women, all women, and you're resourceful." "Help me." "You couldn't have come to a better man." "A scientist of the female heart." " A professor of pussy." " That's it." "Fucking shut it, Donald!" "You're really getting on my nerves!" ""Fucking shut it, Donald!" "You're really getting on my nerves!"" " Fucking shut it." " Fucking shut it!" "(KNOCKING ON DOOR)" " He's at doctors." " Good." "What?" "MAURICE:" "After scouring the earth on your behalf, Jessie," "I'm here to announce I've got you a job." " Liar." " It's true." "Modeling." " You've done that?" " Yeah." "Pleased?" " I said you could rely on me." " Well, what sort of clothes is it?" "Do you think I'll get to keep them at the end?" " I'm not sure about that." " Why not?" "There's no actual clothes involved." "What?" "None at all?" "No." "Not as such." "No." "No clothes." "None at all." "You're having me do a porno?" "I'm not letting anyone I know see me chuffs and bumps." " It's not like that." " What's it like then?" " You'll see." " You better not be trying to corrupt me." "I am shocked, Jessie, that you would think of me like this." "I am a respectable and respected man." "Oh, yeah, right." ""Chuffs and bumps." I've never heard that before." " Now you're thinking about it!" " I'm not, I promise." " You think about summat else." " I shall." "Jesus." "Well, when do I start?" "Don't keep touching me!" "MAURICE:" "For a moment there I thought my legs might go." "That's no reason to cling on." "Just let yourself fall to the ground natural-like." "MAURICE:" "Thank you." "I can't do it with anyone I know watching." "You've got to be professional, my dear." " But I'm nervous." " So am I." " I am frightened, okay?" " Mr. Russell, if you don't mind..." " what?" " Could you, please..." "Thank you and goodnight." "Everything all right?" "MAURICE:" "You won't be able to do it if you can't relax and let people look at you." "It's the human form, as it is, naked, in its weakness and beauty." "Oh, yeah?" "What would your mother say?" "She says if I weren't born, she'd be better off." "JESSIE:" "Is this it?" "MAURICE:" "This is it." "There." "You see?" " Is her name Venus?" " No." "Venus is a goddess." "Accompanied by Eros, she creates love and desire in us mortals leading often to foolishness and despair." "The usual shit." "For most men, a woman's body is the most beautiful thing they will ever see." "What's the most beautiful thing a girl sees?" "Do you know?" "Her first child." "Are you all right?" "JESSIE:" "I'm not doing any more of that modeling, I can tell you that." "MAURICE:" "The model for Venus was a real woman, just like you, that's what caused all the fuss." "JESSIE:" "Do a bit then." " MAURICE:" "Now?" " If you're so good at it." ""Is this a dagger which I see before me, The handle toward my hand?" ""Come, let me clutch thee:" ""I have thee not, and yet I see thee still."" " Now, tell me, who wrote that?" " I don't know." "Really?" "All right then, smart-arse, what about this?" ""I should be so lucky, lucky, lucky, lucky." ""L should be so lucky."" "Well?" "Who wrote it?" " Not a clue." " Well, there you are then." "JESSIE:" "Hey, it's like a beach down there." "MAURICE:" "I lived by the sea when I was a child." "It always calms me." "Shall we go to the seaside, Venus?" "I'd rather go to Topshop." "(CHUCKLING)" "I'll take you to lunch." "JESSIE:" "Take me somewhere posh." "MAURICE:" "Posh?" "JESSIE:" "I want to meet someone really famous, not just you." "Who are these bastards?" "Some of these arseholes were very well-known." " For what?" " You cheer me up, you know." " You have a laugh at me, don't you?" " Just a little." " I'll get you back." " You will." "Don't you worry." "MAURICE:" "Keep still." " It's not surgery." " I don't trust you." "Got it." "A palpable hit." "But where has the little fucker gone?" "Who cares?" "It's free now." "I can't have my home scattered with toenails." "Oh, God." "I'll have to get my other glasses." "They're around your fucking neck." "Oh, thank you." "Where's that bastard toenail?" "(EX CLAIMS)" "There's the little fucker." "How's Valerie?" "Phoning me continuously with complaints." "You're her husband." " Am I?" " Yeah." "You did one of your runners, if you remember." "Did I?" "But I never wanted to be independent." "I love it." "I am about to die and I know nothing about myself." "You have been loved, though, Maurice." " You've been adored." " Yes." "And so have you, lan, a little bit." "Except you didn't always notice it." "God, my bloody back!" "No, you can't cling to me like this, lan, we'll both go down." "Put me on my feet then, you silly old fool!" "You're on your feet." " Oh." "Yeah, well, thank you." " Not at all." "(BOTH HUMMING)" "To keep the little minx away from you," "I'm going to sacrifice my day by taking her shopping." " Marvelous." " But I'll need 20 quid for refreshments." " Done." " Good boy." "What are you going to do?" "I need to lie down." "She's exhausted me." "I'm going to have a pre-nap nap." " Where is she?" " Dead, I'm sure of it." "Are you absolutely certain?" "There will be no sign of life for several hours." "Don't do that." "Coming with me today?" "You want me to?" "Okay." "Get up then." "I haven't got anything to wear." "I can't think of anything more enraging, my dear." " If you try and look at me, I'll..." " Look?" "I am losing the will to live, Venus." "I'll rip your eyes out and stick them up your arse!" "JESSIE:" "Does it suit me?" "Yes." "Oh, yes." "In what way?" "In all possible ways." "It goes with your..." " what?" " Nail varnish." "I'm not wearing nail varnish." "It's beautiful." "WOMAN:" "Next?" "Hello there." "It's lovely, isn't it?" "Maurice, thank you." "How will you be paying, sir?" "Oh, yes, right." " What's that?" " One of Uncle lan's toenail clippings." "Oh, my God!" "Otherwise, I'm afraid, I've only got a 20." "Next?" "Jessie?" "Jessie!" "You humiliated me!" "(MAURICE GROANING)" " That will teach you!" " But weren't we gonna have lunch?" "I never wanna see you again!" "Now I can never go back into that shop!" " You ready?" " Christ!" " Will it hurt?" " Only if you struggle." "NURSE:" "Come on now." "Now this might be a bit cold." "(MAURICE EX CLAIMING)" "It's all right." "Now just relax." "MAURICE:" "Jesus!" "Everything all right here?" "Now, I've done hundreds of these." "There's a strong chance of impotence and incontinence." "But you won't be dead and that is a result." "Okay, let's get him to theater." "PORTER:" "Here we go." "MAURICE:" "I've always liked the theater." " IAN:" "Why didn't you tell me?" " Oh, you know." "I didn't want to think about it." "I hate sympathy." "But you wouldn't have got any from me." " I know." "You're a true friend." " Yes." "How's the nurse?" "It's agony." "I told her to be on her way." " Where will she go?" " That's up to her." "They always need people in Africa, I hear." "It hardly seems won'th going home." "Why not?" "I am a free man!" "We just wouldn't recommend it, that's all." "Not for someone so soon after an operation." "Why don't you wait to see the doctor?" "Because there are people I need to see!" " Well, can't they come here?" " No!" " Hello." " Hello, Jessie." " It's you." " Yes, it is more or less." "Why didn't you tell me you were having an operation?" "I didn't want to cheer you up." "Here." " Free at last." " I'm glad." "What?" "I'm glad, you know." "I'm glad you're back." "Well, well, well." "How are you, my old fruit?" "Do you think Jessie will cut my toenails?" "(MAN SINGING ON TV)" "I wouldn't let her near my body with anything sharp." " No." " What's that smell?" " Cologne." " Oh, God." "Get rid of it!" "It's making me vertiginous!" "JESSIE:" "Drinks, gentlemen?" "This is unusual, Jessie." "Are you on ketamine, GBH or just the mushrooms?" " Very good, Uncle." " You see, Maurice, I'm contemporary." "Right." " I can't see." " What?" " I can't see." "Put it somewhere else." " Where?" "Somewhere else." "There." "Where you like." "There, over there." " God, I can't breathe!" " Stop shouting then." "I can't get through to you otherwise!" " Oh, no." "No." " What now?" "Oh, God!" "Thank you." "Everyone knows you don't put milk in lemon tea." "You like milk." "I've told you, only on my cereal." "Not on anything else." "You like it in your hot chocolate." " What?" " I said you like it in your hot chocolate." "God!" "I'm exhausted, I really am." "Fan me, Maurice, before I expire." "Nuts, anyone?" "Bloody nuts!" "God." "I can't wait to get back to work." "I'll take anything." " Really?" " Except corpses." "No, I don't need that." "I've cornered the market there." "If I don't get anything, I'll write my memoirs." " That shouldn't take long." " What?" "What do you do to her at your age?" "It's a very difficult thing." "But I'm nice to her." "Yeah?" " I'll make you a cup of tea." " Thank you." "MAN:" "You're like a little fairy." "I will die soon, Venus." "Can I touch your hand?" "That's one chat up line I haven't heard." " I'm impotent, of course." " Thank Christ." "But I can still take a theoretical interest." " Have you been thinking about me?" " All the time I was in hospital." "What did you think about me?" "I saw your body." "Which part?" "Your hair." "Your feet." "Your legs, your behind, your eyes." " My eyes?" " Your elbows." "Your cunt." "Oh, shut up." "You can touch my hand." "Only with your fingers." "Anything else will make me vomitous." "Can I ask you," "have you ever been in love before?" "I can do it." "L want to do it." "I am well enough." "L need the money." "Thank you." "But I will need a big car." "Yeah, an enormous fucker." " You must be really famous." " I am." "I am." "It's a really important role." "The linchpin of the story." "Yep, it's also a speaking part." "(PUT YO UR RECORDS ON PLAYING ON CAR STEREO)" "I'll explain everything to you on the way." "I think you should work in films." " Do you?" " Definitely, yes." "Hey, can we open the roof?" "This is wicked!" "Turn it up, my man!" "More volume." "You will see how fickle men are in love, just like women." "I will not believe it until I see it with my own eyes." "They come." " You were in love with another?" " I don't love you!" "But my body cannot do without your hands!" "You see that when it comes to love, men..." "MAN:" "And cut." "WOMAN:" "End board." "MAN 2:" "Cut." "Cut." "Are you okay, Maurice?" "Someone bring him a chair." "It's hot." "These clothes are heavy." "MAN 1:" "Barry." "Barry?" "MAN 2:" "Thank you so much." "MAN 1:" "All right, well, let's... we're gonna have to move on, then we can..." "MAN 2:" "All right, that's fine, cool." "MAN 1:" "Let's give him two minutes, right." "Thank you." "Okay." "Ready." ""I am sorry, my love, but we must part for good." ""I am not the man to make you happy and so we must say goodbye."" "(woman SOBBING)" "Oh, sure." "Sure." "How does she do it?" "I could never have done that." " I'm sure you could." " I didn't realize it was so hard." " It's brilliant." "I could never do that." " Mind you, she's terribly pretty." " Am I not?" " Oh, Venus!" "Now you've upset me." "Jesus, Maurice, do you never learn?" " Sorry." " You will be." "My dear, will you pass me my trousers?" " What is that?" " A catheter." " Oh, my God!" " I think it's leaking." "I don't want it on my shoes." " You're always dripping, Maurice." " Hold on." "There's always bits of you where there shouldn't be." "(KNOCKING ON DOOR)" "Pass me that towel." "Come in." " You asked for cash?" " Thank you." "I wonder if the shops are open." "JESSIE:" "Do you think they'll suit me?" "MAURICE:" "I don't know." "Let me look at your ears." "Perfect." " Don't touch." " I know, I know." "Come on." "Have you got the bloody money this time?" "Oh, yes." "Tons of it." "I've got a pocketful." "I think I'm gonna wear these tonight." "Venus," "you look like a movie star." "Is there an old man odor?" "Not so much this evening." "I wonder why." "You can kiss my shoulders." "Can I?" "Three kisses." "Three, I said!" "And no licking and burping, you dirty, filthy, little shithead." "(CHUCKLING)" " Oh, you please me." " And you me." "(GROANING)" "Steady, steady." "I'm just out of intensive care." "You ask for it, Maurice." "You know you do, with your forwardness." "Don't you believe in anything, Maurice?" "Pleasure, I like." "I've tried to give pleasure." "That's all I'd recommend to anyone." "You've made me sticky with your slug tongue." "I think I'll have a bath." "Well, well." "I'll run it for you." "This other man, the other man who loved you," "was he not kind to you?" "JESSIE:" "He was kind, for a time." "He promised me things." "He bought me stuff." "We had champagne and there were roses." "Then you got pregnant." " Does everyone know?" " It's happened to girls before." "Then..." "Then he stopped being kind." "He went the other way." "A long way that way." "He were engaged." "I didn't know." "It wasn't a miscarriage." "My mum called it that." "It were an abortion." "And she made me." "Terrible." "Yeah." "Yeah." ""Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?" ""Thou art more lovely and more temperate:" ""Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May," ""And summer's lease hath all too short a date:" ""Sometime too hot the eye of heaven shines," ""And often is his gold completion dimm'd," ""And every fair from fair sometime declines," ""By chance, or nature's changing course untrimm'd," ""But thy eternal summer shall not fade," ""Nor lose possession of that fair thou ow'st," ""Nor shall death brag thou wander'st in his shade," ""when in eternal lines to time thou grow'st," ""So long as men can breathe, and eyes can see," ""So long lives this, and this gives life to thee."" "Venus?" "Thank you." "You look wonderful." "Luminous." "Bright." " Startling." " Do I?" " That story I told you." " Yes." " You don't think I'm low, do you?" " No." "MAURICE:" "Let's have dinner." "JESSIE:" "No, Maurice, I'm going out." "What a shame." " Anywhere nice?" " A party." " Alone?" " With a boy." "Jolly good." " Which boy?" " Keep your nose out." "Of course." "You can go to the party for an hour and we can meet later." " It's an all-night party." " Right." " How will you stay up all night?" " I'll manage." " Uncle lan will worry." " It's all right." "L've already asked him." "I think he'll be pleased to get rid of me." "I don't think he likes me very much." " He thinks I'm horrible." " He does." "But I like you, Venus." "I like you." "I love you." "Bye." "Can we meet tomorrow?" "Yeah, okay." "I'll meet you after lunch, by the canal." "Thanks for the earrings." "(BANGING ON DOOR)" " Hello." " MAURICE:" "Hello." "Have I forgotten?" "Did I invite you?" "No, I invited you and I wanted to see you." "Did you?" "Good God." "VALERIE:" "Maurice." "Maurice, quickly!" "Why do you keep shouting when I am cooking?" "You're on TV." "Look, look." "(PEOPLE SPEAKING ON TV)" "Oh, Christ!" "Oh, how handsome you were." " And there's that woman..." " Yeah, yeah." "...who took you away from us." "It's burning." " You will burn, Maurice." " Yes, dear." "MAURICE ON TV:" "...get my grouch thoughts in order." "It's very good." "You were a good mother." "I rather left you holding the baby, didn't I?" "You did do that." "Three children under six, to be exact." "I can see it must have been inconvenient." "That you put your own pleasure first?" "I did love you." "For a time." "And for the rest of the time, I was fond of you." " Please, no." "No, don't." " More than fond of you." "You don't have to." "I don't want it." "It's my goodbye to you." "Why, where are you going?" " We won't live forever." " No." "IAN:" "You looked rather forlorn." "MAURICE:" "This is a rare treat, my friend." "There are no pockets in a shroud." "IAN:" "Oh, God, it's a long way up, eh?" "MAURICE: '57, I first saw you." "IAN:" "It was?" "MAURICE:" "You were a strapping Laertes." "Strapping?" "Yeah, sounds like me." "The Ophelia was something of a minger." "You wore a kilt, if I'm not mistaken." "Bloody Peter Hall." "(CHUCKLING)" "I love this horrible place." "It reminds me of what I wanted to become." "Another large one?" "Hmm." "Yes." " Come on." " What?" " I've got a good idea." " What?" " What?" " You'll see." " What?" " You'll see." "IAN:" "Shit." "Oh, God." "You must protect the old man." "MAURICE:" "Boris Karloff." "IAN:" "Yeah, I know." "He was a sweetie, apparently." "MAURICE:" "Mr. Pratt." "Robert Shaw." "Richard Beckinsale." "IAN:" "They're running out of room here." "Luckily lan isn't a long name." "(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)" " Shall we?" " Oh, yes." "(KNOCKING ON DOOR)" "I'm sorry I didn't come to meet you." "You can smell my neck." " I can?" " You can." "No kissing." "That would make me never come back." "I understand." " You like to do this, don't you?" " There really isn't anything else." " Maurice?" " Yes." " I want something." " You do?" "I'm sure it's something I'll have to think about." " For how long?" " I don't know." " Why don't we move things on a little?" " How could we do that?" " I want to give you a treat." " You do?" " I want to cheer you up." " Yes?" "How?" " How?" " Watch." "Thanks, Maurice." "Sit, please." "Sit." "Thank you." "You insult me." "On the contrary, the insult is on the other side." " How so?" " Do I look like a fool?" "Do I?" "Answer me." "Don't tempt me, I haven't had my tranquillizer yet." "Yes, you're easily tempted, as we know." "I've been questioning my niece's daughter very closely, in search of the facts." " You begged me to find her work." " You have degraded that girl." "Jessie is a shy, provincial girl." "To take advantage of such a vulnerable, young person, to take her to drinking establishments, ply her with alcohol." " She plied me." " Oh, really?" "Yes, well, did you buy these?" "These?" "IAN:" "Hmm?" "This is ridiculous." "She said you paid for her to be tattooed!" " Did you?" " Oh, Christ." "It was a small snake." "Well, well, well." "You never welcomed her." "You called her vile." "That is a lie!" "Now, hang on, lan, old man." "You have to admit, you did have one or two little reservations about her character." "How dare you?" "What the hell do you mean?" "You handed her that halibut and expected her to..." "To what?" "To cook it?" "That's all." "That's perverted exploitation?" "But to be so desperate, to behave without respect for me..." "Now you strike me!" "Maurice, please." "We come here every day." "They bring us croissants with our coffee." "Did you see?" "I have been struck!" "Get some sense into your thick skull before you die, lan!" "You venomous rat!" "A dying man." " A bloody fool, too!" " Right, let's have you!" " Oh, come on." " I'll take you on." "Come on, where are we going with this?" " He hit me again!" "Did you see that?" " Come on!" " What is this, catheters at dawn?" " Oh, shut up." "I'm going to have to bar you two troublemakers." " IAN:" "He started it!" " I did not!" " Yes!" " Out!" "I want you out!" "Out of here!" "Out!" "MAURICE:" "All right, I'm going." "Don't worry, I'm going." " IAN:" "Get out of here!" "Get out!" " Out!" "(KNOCKING ON DOOR)" "Hiya." "Can we come in?" "Go on, ask him." "Maurice?" "Do you want to go for a little walk?" "Exercise is good for some people, I've heard." "(MAURICE MUTTERING)" "(PEOPLE TALKING)" "(PEOPLE LAUGHING)" "(PEOPLE CHEERING)" "(HORSE NEIGHING)" "(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)" "MAURICE:" "...barbarous, most degenerate..." ""To be or not to be, that is the question."" "No!" "No!" "Out!" "Out!" "Out!" " Out!" "Out!" " All right, mate!" "I ain't finished yet." "All right, keep your hair on!" "Keep your hair on, mate." "You invited us in, old man." "Come on, let's go." "And you are a dirty, dirty, old man." "And you are on your way." " BO Y:" "Oh, no, not the stick!" " Stop it!" "I'm really frightened, Granddad." "Come on!" "Just leave the fucking door!" "Come on." "Stop fucking pissing..." " My fucking head is fucking hurting!" " Come on, then!" "BOY:" "What's your fucking problem?" "JESSIE:" "You stupid bastard, what have you done?" "JESSIE:" "Maurice!" "Maurice!" "Maurice!" "Open the door, Maurice!" "(JESSIE SOBBING)" "Are you responsible for this?" "Hmm?" "Apparently there was an intruder, though there's no sign of forced entry." " He was knocked down." " Who was it?" "POLICEMAN:" "Well, I did ask for a description and all he could say was, "He was damned ugly"." "He's a white male, in his early 70s." " Romeo, Uniform, Sierra, Sierra..." " well, you have to take him in." "If the worst comes to the worst, tomorrow morning will be all right." "He can't stay here alone." "I'll phone you back." "Hi." "I'm having some trouble getting a bed." "He needs someone with him." " Are you..." " No, of course not." "I could die at any moment myself." "I've got high blood pressure." "I've got chronic anxiety, burning indigestion." "Yeah, okay." "Right." "MAURICE:" "Venus." "Venus." "Who the hell is Venus?" "I am." "He wants to see you." "He's asked if you'll look after him." "Her?" "Yes." "I'm sorry." "Please, forgive me." "Let it go, Maurice." "I'll do anything." "Please." "I'll never be mean again." "Sorry." "JESSIE:" "I'm sorry." "Maurice?" "Maurice?" "Can you hear me?" "Make a sign." "Maurice?" "Look, Maurice." ""Weary with toil, I haste me to my bed," ""The dear repose for limbs with travel tired," ""But then begins a journey in my head."" "What do you want?" "Well, they're coming to take you to hospital now." "But I've got you." " Maurice." " I have got a much better idea." "Have you?" "(JESSIE GIGGLING)" "I knew you would enjoy yourself." "I think we should go home now." "A little longer." "JESSIE:" "Are you tired?" "MAURICE:" "Oh, yes." " What shall we do?" " Carry on." "JESSIE:" "Yeah." "Will you take off my boots?" " It's too cold, Maurice." " I know." "I know." "It was always bloody cold." "Will you?" "Yeah." "(MAURICE LAUGHING)" "Now we can really talk." "Yeah." "(SNORING)" "Maurice?" "Maurice?" "Maurice?" "Maurice?" "No, Maurice." "Maurice?" "Maurice, wake up!" "Wake up, Maurice." "JESSIE:" "Excuse me, excuse me." "I need to use your phone." "I think he's dead." "I think he's dead." "I need to use your phone, please." "I need to use your phone." "Please?" "Please, I need you to call an ambulance." "I don't know what to do." "I think he's dead." "I think he's dead." "I don't know what to do." " So it was you." " What?" "I'm his wife." "He was thinking about someone and it was you." "Don't feel awkward." "Lan told me." "Lan still won't talk to me." "He thinks I did for Maurice, the paddling and stuff." "The paddling was marvelous, the best way to go." "He really were a celebrity." "When you die, everyone wants to be your friend." "What are you going to do?" "I'm not going home." "I can't go back now." "And lan won't have me in the house." "I've got somewhere you could stay for a bit." "WAITRESS:" "Here we go." "Where's your friend?" "God, he was gorgeous." "Yes, he was gorgeous." "She wants to return these." "Say thank you." "She wants to know if you're still angry with her." "She says she's sorry." "Tell her I'm not angry now." "I just wasn't ready for someone like her." "He says he's not angry..." "She says she'll come round tomorrow, if you want." "She'll cook you some fish." "Tell her" "we can cook the fish together." "Are you sure you don't want to come in?" " No, no." " All right, see you then." "How many columns did he get?"