"( eerie music playing )" "( woman gasping )" "( panting )" "No!" "Ahh!" "( screaming )" "( screaming continues )" "This place has got great surround sound, man." "( phone rings )" "Schlockbuster." "Happy Halloween." "Yeah yeah yeah, we carry porn." "What do I recommend?" ""Schindler's Fist,"" ""How Stella Got Her Tube Packed,"" ""Six Degrees of Penetration."" "That's a good one." ""Glad He Ate Her."" "Yeah yeah." "Okay." " Man:" "Stan?" " You're welcome, Grandma." "Stan?" "There's a cockroach in the ladies' room." "It's your turn to kill it." "Dude, come on, you know my motto:" "There's always someone better for the job." " Now!" " I'm off in 10 minutes." "Can't you have somebody from the late shift do it?" "No." "I'm the manager and I say you have to do it." "I got bongs older than you." "Well, I'm still the boss, and I say you have to do it." "Don't make me write you up." "Here, you're gonna need it." "( sighs )" "( grunts )" "( grunts )" "It's funny, I watched "The Notebook" last night and I actually liked it." "You watched "The Notebook" and you liked it?" "Yeah." "I'm actually thinking about watching "Titanic" tonight too." "Woman:" "Stick it in me!" "This "Blair Witch Project" is some scary shit." "Oh, no, someone rearrangin' rocks again." "See, this is why black people don't go camping." "Why does that bitch gotta keep shining that light up her dripping nose?" "Man:" "Run, bitch, run!" "( object clatters )" "Damn." "Thanks for scaring the shit out of us." "We would have let you join in." "Oh." "I cockblocked myself." "( low growling )" "Ahh, too many Peanut Chews!" "( gurgling sounds )" "( screeching )" "Oh, cock... roach." "Sorry, uh, dude," "I thought this was available, but it's okay." "I don't actually need it, 'cause I just pissed myself." "You look tense." "Uh, you need a magazine?" "Toilet paper?" "Let me get you a magazine." "Ah, I see you're a fan of the Kobe Bryant position." "Oh." " ( screeches )" " What the... oh!" "Hey, Sully, we're out of paper towels in the ladies' room." "And these little puppies..." "these lady diaper things are super absorbent." "I'm gonna start doing my dishes with those." "You gotta call somebody about the cockroach in the bathroom." "Ask for a truck." "A very big truck." "Anyways, you're gonna need this." " What's that?" " It's the videos that you promised the owner that you'd deliver to his mother." "Dude, no." "I got my friends right outside waiting for me." "We're going to the coolest Halloween party ever, okay?" " Can someone else do it?" " No, you promised." "And if you want to have a job here on Monday, I would suggest that you do it." "No." " What?" " No." " I'm sorry?" " No!" "( hip-hop song playing )" "Stan, this is my date, Mia." " Well hello, Mia." " Hi." " Why did you come as a cowboy?" " What?" "I told you I was gonna come as an Indian." "Now people are gonna think that we're together." "Well, I think the correct term is Native American." "And you look like Bret Michaels." " Oh, yeah?" " Not a good look." "Hey!" "Whoa!" "Stan:" "God, I forgot, okay?" " Yeah, right." " I did, I swear." "I didn't know you were gonna wear that." "I think you guys look cute together." " See?" " That's the problem." "Because we're not together anymore." " So, Mia?" " Hmm?" " What do you do?" " I used to be an exotic dancer, but now I'm a massage therapist." "Oh, isn't that like the same thing?" "No." "One you dance naked and the other you whack people off." "( coughs )" "I just got a music gig." "A music gig?" "Karaoke doesn't count as a music gig." "All right, Nadine, chill out." "I'll have us to the party in, like, 10 minutes and then you guys can separate." "Hey, can we make a quick stop before we go to the party?" "What stop?" "I gotta drop off these videos at my boss's mom's house." "Where's she live?" "Linwood." "What?" " Isn't the party downtown?" " Stan:" "Quick detour." "In the complete opposite direction." "It's not even close to being close by." "Come on, T!" "Highway driving, man." "We'll get there in no time." "No way." "No." "All right." "But if I can't drop off these videos, I'm gonna lose my job and then I won't be able to pay you guys the money I owe you... both of you." "So, whatever." "If you don't want your money." "Okay." "( hip hop blaring )" "His scent leads to this store." "But remember, I get the first taste of his raw flesh." "( muttering )" " Why..." " It's not worth it." "Not worth it!" "Come on." "( snorts ) Nice costume." "You're, like, the third one tonight." "( growling )" "Can I help you?" "I'm looking for a Mr. Helsing." "You should watch this one." "It's super tight." "( laughs )" "( muttering )" "( grunts )" "( both laughing )" "( baby cooing )" "Um, can you hold her for a minute for me?" "I just need to get my wallet out." " ( baby coos, farts )" " Thank you." "Is there anything else I can help you with?" "Uh..." "I'll have a box of the Hot Tamales then." "( sighs )" " ( hip hop playing )" " Man, I knew it was too good to be true." "We're bumper to bumper over here." "It's probably a traffic jam." "Oh, snap, Teddy." "MILF alert, 3:00." "Ooh." "Hello hello." "( makes cooing sounds )" "Ahh. ( laughs )" " You're so gross." " What?" "What?" ""Oh oh, Teddy." "Teddy, there's a MILF alert, 3:00."" "You think I don't know what that means?" "What's a milk alert?" "I can't believe I ever even went out with you." " The best six weeks of your life." " It was two weeks." "Yeah, but I was doing you in my mind for the other four." "Aww." "That's so sweet." "No." "No." "( chuckling )" "( wood tapping )" "( makes monkey sounds )" "Ahh!" " Did you guys see that?" " What, another MILF?" "No!" "In the MILF's van." "That doll mimed a blowjob and started smacking his ass." " That's so weird." " Nadine:" "No no no no." "That's not weird at all." "It's... you know, it's a MILF driving a car with a doll that's miming a blowjob and spanking his ass." "Yeah yeah." "Sounds perfectly normal." "My brother said I used to give his GI Joe doll a boner." " Oh!" " Okay, you probably want to keep that to yourself." "You know what?" "Forget I even said it." "Oh, no." "We won't be forgetting that one." "Nope, it went right..." "right up here." "Well, there's plenty of room for that there." "In Stan's defense, there is a phenomenon called an urban mirage." "Forget it, dude." "You do not have to defend me." "I'm just saying, people get stressed out in urban settings." "It happens." "I saw what I saw." " Shit." " What?" " Did another doll just moon you?" " No, we missed our exit." " Why aren't you paying attention?" " Dude, that doll freaked me out!" "It's all right." "Just take the next exit." "I know how to get there taking the back roads." "Ooh, I've heard that before." "All right, which way?" "Uh, straight." "It would help if there were some fucking street signs." "All:" "Whoa!" "Did you see that?" "Yeah, I saw it." "I think I'm gonna be sick." "Me too." "And I'm a vegetarian." "Uh, he's slowing down." "I think he's trying to box us in." "Teddy, she's right." "Go around him." "All right, hang on." " Teddy, you gotta speed up." " I'm flooring it!" " Whoa!" " What the hell is driving that truck?" "Looks like a purse I bought in Tijuana." "Oh, great, now he's speeding up." " Almost." " Oh my God." "Oh my God." " Teddy, drop back!" " I can't." "It's too late." "I gotta pass!" "There's another semi coming!" "( all screaming )" "( muttering )" " Are we dead?" " No." "But we should be." "Teddy, that was awesome, man." "You should be a stunt-car driver." "I wanted to be a stuntman, but a little thing called law school got in the way." "What do we do now?" "We do nothing." "My motto is don't get involved." "I thought you said you knew how to get us back on the highway." "Why don't we just knock on the door of one of these houses out here?" "( buzzer sound ) Wrong answer." "Ever seen a little movie called "The Hills Have Eyes"?" "This whole place is crawling with flesh-eating inbreds." "Okay, sister?" "I say we just chill... and enjoy the drive." "What are you doing?" "Medicating myself, man." "That was a really stressful situation back there." "I need to settle the nerves." "Okay." "( distorted speech )" "( groovy music playing )" "( Nadine moaning )" "( exhales )" "( Stan sniffing )" "Teddy:" "Man, what are you doing?" "( exhaling loudly )" "Huh?" "( laughs )" "( Stan speaks gibberish )" "Okay." "Just make sure nobody burns the upholstery." "Mia:" "Isn't it smoky in here?" "Nadine:" "I feel, like, really baked." "Teddy:" "Mm-hmm." "What the hell was in that shit?" "( voice distorted ) Special recipe." "It's a really cool Thai stick and I dip it in liquid X, and then I grind it into the weed, and then I roll it into the joint." "Man, you're like the Rachael Ray of weed." "Rachael Ray!" " I feel numb all over." " Yeah." "What are you doing?" "I'm just working on some acupressure points." "All:" "Whoa!" "Sorry." "This van just went from an automatic to a stick shift." "Teddy got a boner." "( laughing )" " Do you have any more?" " You should try." "( gasps )" " Whoa!" " ( brakes squeal )" "What the hell was that?" "It looked like a baby bear." " Where are you going?" " To see if it's all right." "Are you insane?" "If that's a baby bear, then there's a mama bear out there wanting to kick some ass." "Look, I am a medical professional." "I took an oath." "Massage ain't medicine!" "We can't let her go out there alone." "Okay, fine, I'll go out there." "Wait." "Teddy, you probably should go out there." "No, I'm not going." "We both go." "They're gonna call us pussies if we don't go." "Wait a minute." "Okay." "Oh, boy." "It... it's a dog." "I think it's a Rottweiler." "He's hurt bad." "I don't think he's gonna make it." "( motor humming, car backfiring )" "Teddy:" "Hey hey, here's comes a pickup truck." "Oh, that's good." "We can maybe flag him down and then he can take the dog to a vet." "All:" "Yo!" "Hey!" "Stan:" "Hey, how you doing?" "Uh, listen, we hit this dog..." "Well, we... we didn't hit the dog!" "What?" "There's a dog there." "We are citizens." "So we see it and stop." "Now we're talking to you." "Hey, citizen, can you help us out?" "Sammy Boy?" "That's my Sammy Boy!" "Oh, shit." "Oh, my baby boy." "Daddy's here now!" "( sobbing )" "I'm sorry, Daddy, but I think he's gone." "He may be gone to a she-devil like you..." "Help me up." "...but I'm gonna take him home!" "I'm gonna fix him!" "( man wailing )" " Let's go." " Why'd you call him "Daddy"?" "We're gonna get you for this." "I'm gonna take Sammy home and make him better, and then we're gonna hunt you down and make you feel what it's like to have your bones broke and your insides ripped out!" "Now would be a good time to get out of here!" "Ahh!" "Ahh!" "What just happened back there?" " We just killed his dog." " And now he's gonna kill us." "Don't talk about it." "My motto is..." ""Don't talk about it." And it's served me well." "Well, no wonder you can't get any." "So far your mottos are," ""Don't get involved," "Don't talk about it."" "Oh, I get any." "I get plenty of any." "Trust me." "Oh, look at this guy up here, hitchin' in the middle of nowhere." "Yeah, sure, buddy." "Sure, we'll pick you up, Mr. Mass Murderer." "Uh, um..." "you're kidding, right?" "You..." "Teddy, you..." "No, Teddy's just fucking with him." "He's gonna wait till he gets really close and then Teddy's gonna floor it and take off!" " Nope, I'm giving him a ride." " No way!" "Do you know what it's like to be black and need a ride?" "Okay, nobody stops for you." "I once stood outside downtown for 40 minutes and nobody would pick me up." "Were you wearing that costume?" "Well, this guy's not black." "You don't have to be black to be oppressed." "Yeah, so we gotta get hacked up to pieces 'cause you want to level the playing field?" "Ahh." "Yeah, hop in, man." "Whoo, thanks." "Ahh." "( exhales )" "I was freezing." "This is all I had on when I got out." " Got out?" " Yeah." "I was at Chino State." "Oh, um, the university?" "No, the prison." "It was a bum rap." "That's why I took off." "Pretty much had to after the riot." "That riot that you were referring to, what was that about?" "Oh, a stabbing." "He was from the Black Guerilla family." "He touched my spoon at lunch." "Well, I pretty much had to shank him." " ( laughing )" " Teddy:" "Yeah." "Yeah, you gotta shank him." "Can't just touch a spoon." "No, that's..." "yeah, he touched your spoon, man." "Is this going just like you planned there, Teddy?" "I have a question for Mr. Hacker." "Why, sure... sure thing, baby girl." "How was it that you got invited to prison in the first place?" "It's this particular instance that you're referring to... well, that was because of a tease and squeeze." "What's a tease and squeeze?" "Sorry, I'm using prison slang here!" "( Nadine laughing )" "No, I was convicted of the torture and murder" " of two nursing students." " Oh my God!" " All:" "Ooh!" " ( tires squealing )" " ( laughing )" " Sorry." " Whoo-hoo!" " It's just... my mom's a nurse." "Not around here, though." "Not around Linwood at all." "Yeah, anyways, it was bullshit." "I suffocated her with a pillow." "Oh." "Okay." "Yeah, anyways, her roommate witnessed it and I had taken some acid, so I wigged out, you know?" "And the next thing I knew, the room was full of body parts!" "( laughing )" "Anyway, who's got some weed?" "I got the nose of a bloodhound!" "( laughs )" "You sure do, yeah." "You sure do." "Uh, I got a bag of some great stuff, actually, right there underneath your seat." "You just gotta reach over the back." "You sure?" "I think it's down..." "No, it ain't." "It's in the back." " Yeah, just reach all the way over." " I can't find it." " Yeah." " No, reach and see." "Reach over there." "Yeah, reach all the way over." "Stretch it out." "It's not back here!" " Oh!" " ( girls screaming )" "Ahhh!" " Ahhh!" " Stop it!" "Stop!" "Oh my God." " I just killed a man!" " You didn't kill him." "Okay, I maimed him." "He's flopping down on the street." "Now might be a good time to invoke your motto, "Don't talk about it."" "Mia:" "Guys, are we going to go to this party?" "Because so far I'm having a really lousy Halloween." "We'll stop for gas and get directions." "We could get some chips." "( dog barking )" "( bell dinging )" "What can I do you for, Superman?" "( laughs ) Uh, fill her up, please." "Check the oil?" "Sure." "Thank you." "Man, that hippie chick is cool as hell... full service?" "That's cool." "Places don't do that anymore." "Yeah, but don't forget, full service costs extra." "Well, I don't know about your oil, but you've got quite a bit of blood and fur on the front of your car." "Oh, yeah, that... well, it's..." "Stan:" "Halloween!" "Ha ha!" " Yeah." " Yeah!" "Ha ha, I'm a cowboy!" "But, yeah, we go all out." "Not only do we dress up, we dress up our van too." "Ah, Halloween, right." "Halloween." "We don't participate in those pagan rituals around here." "Well, I'm a Baptist, so... we just kinda sort of play along." "Play along?" "Mmm." "Do you have a restroom?" "Right there." "But you need the key." "Thank you." "We've got snacks and drinks inside if you want 'em." "I could go for a little snack." " Yeah." " A little snack." "( soft music playing )" "( doorbell dings )" " You!" " Who?" " You!" " Me?" " Van Helsing!" " No, man, Stan." "My name is Stan Helsing." "How did you know my last name?" "Not Stan, Van!" "( turns off radio )" "You are Van Helsing, the great monster hunter." " ( growling ) - ( woman screaming )" "Yo, Chief, I think you're mistaking me for somebody else." "My name is Stan." "That... that doesn't even..." "Teddy:" "I don't know, man." "I mean, it kinda looks just like you, Stan, with better hair." "That's some weird shit." "You guys, Mia's taking a really long time in the bathroom." "Cold drinks in the fridge against the wall." "Help yourself." "I'll be right back." "Gotta go upstairs and refill the coffee-maker." "My name's Stan." "Ah, doughnut." "There's a whole pot of coffee right here." "Want some coffee?" "Okay, you guys, be totally honest." "Does my vagina make me look fat?" " Oh my God!" " Ooh!" "Whoa!" "Come on!" " What I'd do is I'd go on in there!" " You're ridiculous!" "I'm going in!" " Goin' on up in here!" " Let me in!" "( music ends )" " No." " Okay." "I'm gonna use the bathroom." "I..." "I can't even see your vagina." " Oh." " I wish I could." "I wish I could." "He's so sweet." "Oh." "( puts down key )" "( unzipping )" "( Stan urinating )" "Oh my God, I totally thought we were busted there when she mentioned the blood on the car." "Yeah, luckily Stan saved the day." "The boy is always thinking." "What'd you get?" "Girl, I didn't know you liked Old Spanglish." " Mm-hmm." " ( sighs )" "( chanting )" "( Native American music playing )" "( several people chanting )" "Ahhh!" "What?" "What's wrong?" "Somebody was watching me take a piss through a hole in the wall." "You know, tugging his totem pole." "You, man!" "You were watching me go to the bathroom!" "I was not!" "Okay, you know what?" "You pervs do what you gotta do." " We're gonna go." " Yeah." " Ahh!" " Oh!" "You owe me 40 bucks for the gas." " Teddy, pay her." " Oh." "This is my emergency stash." "You know, you guys are lucky we don't call the cops on you and Chief Spanks-a-Lot." "You and your whores get off of our property." "Hey, we're not whores!" " ( fires )" " All:" "Oooh!" "Oh, man!" "All:" "Teddy!" "I got..." "I gotta..." " Teddy!" " ( muttering )" "Stan:" "Go!" "Let's get out of here!" "Drive!" "( gun fires )" "We just gotta deliver these damn videos." "We can then go to the party." "I can't believe that guy was watching you pee while he masturbated." "You know, Mia, he probably watched you too." "Mmm, yeah, he did." "Do you know that for sure?" " Oh, yeah, I saw him." " Stan:" "What?" "Why didn't you tell us?" "Because I put on a little show for him and I thought he was, you know, finished." "You put on a little show for him?" "Well, yeah, I felt sorry for him." "Anyway, that's the real reason I changed." "Take this right!" "Take this right!" "( tires squeal )" " Oh." " Oh my God." "Okay, we're on Mockingbird Lane." "This takes us right to the main gate of where we're going." "It's about a quarter mile ahead." " 'Evening." " 'Evening." "Are you going to a party?" "Um, we're making a delivery." "Deliveries go to the east gate." "This is the west gate." "Well, how do you get to the east gate?" "The east gate doesn't open for deliveries till 7:00 AM." " You look very familiar." " ( phone ringing )" " West gate." " ( woman screaming )" "Well, why don't you hit it with a little WD-40?" "When my chainsaw sticks, that always does the trick." " ( woman screaming )" " You're welcome." "Yeah, see, we're not really making an official delivery." "We're kind of just dropping something off to a friend." "Oh, why didn't you say so?" "Ha." "Welcome to Stormy Night Estates." " You know how it got its name?" " No." "It used to be the backlot for Stormy Night Pictures." "They made all of the popular horror movies right up until the fire." " ( glass shattering ) - ( woman screaming )" "( phone rings )" " West gate." " ( sped-up tape playing )" "A hockey mask?" "That's a new one." "Yeah, but he shouldn't be looking in your window." "I'll..." "I'll keep an eye out." " The fire started at midnight." " If... if we could..." "Then developers bought this land and built this." "But they still say you shouldn't be out here after midnight." "We're kind of in a hurry." "Can we just go on our way?" " ( phone ringing )" " Oh, be my guest." "West gate." "( mumbled man's voice )" "You're afraid to go to sleep?" "What kind of nightmares?" "All right, so what are we looking for?" "Um... 1428 Elm Street." "The last house on the left." "( car stalling )" "What's... what's wrong?" "The gauge says we're empty." "Man, that crazy hippie lady didn't put any gas in the car." "As a matter of fact, I bet she siphoned some of it out." "Well, let's get out." "I mean, it's a gated community." "It can't be that far." "( Teddy sighs )" "Why don't we just, you know, ask the security guard?" "That's weird." "He's gone." "Well, come on." "We've got a party to go to." "Let's drop off these videos." "( distant wolf howling )" "Yeah." "Okay." " ( chainsaw buzzing ) - ( woman screaming )" "Well, I guess that guy found oil for his chainsaw." "Oh, my gosh." "Check out the dates they all died." "What a coincidence." "( croaking ) Nevermore!" "That sounds familiar." " You're an idiot." " Hey, that sounds familiar too." "Faster!" "Spit on it!" "Spit on it!" "( groans ) How much do I owe you?" "Now leave." "Oh my God." "Three in a row." "Something is going on!" "( pop music playing )" "( all chuckling )" "When did Rocket Suckers get balls?" "Hey, check out the guy running the truck." "Oh, look, there's a sign for a bar." "Oh, great, 'cause after seeing that, I'm starving!" "Come on, man, I was talking about the ice cream, not... pictures." "Forget it." "I'm not even gonna..." "I'm not gay, so I don't know what you guys are staring at me for." "( honky-tonk music playing )" "¶ I'm crazy... ¶" "( door opens )" "¶ Crazy for feeling... ¶" " That's that guy." " ( girls gasp )" "That's the guy." "You'd think they'd never seen a brother in a superhero costume before." "Mm-hmm." "All:" "How you doin' Okay." "How's your dog?" " 'Evening, everybody." " How are you folks?" "How you doin' Good evening." "Stan:" "All right." "Yes, those are her breasts." "That is a black man in a Superman outfit." "Teddy:" "All right, bro." " Let's just have a seat here." " Stan:" "Okay." " Teddy:" "Oh, here's a table." " Stan:" "Let's just sit down right here." "Yeah yeah, all right." "That's good." "Man's voice:" "Careful of the pie." "Teddy:" "Damn!" "Uh, now what can I do for you?" "Menus?" "No menus." "We make everything here." "Great." "Well, I'll have three cheeseburgers for here, one to go, extra mayo, french fries and a triple chocolate shake." "Would you like that in an IV?" "It's quicker." " No." " No." "Can I get some sliced mango, a pinch of salt, squeeze of lemon," "Diet Coke in a can with a bendy straw?" "You got it, cowgirl." "And I'm going to have a chicken pot pie and an iced tea, please." "You know, this is the first time I've seen a push-up bra on an Indian." "Actually, you know, the correct term is Native American." "So..." "Pocahontas, around here the native term is "hooker."" "Hmm?" "Oh, uh, I'll have a salad and..." "Never mind." "She just called me a hooker!" "I'm gonna talk to the manager." "I don't think they like how she's talking to us." "One order from the freaks at table 9!" "Might want to rethink about talking to the manager." "You know what?" "Let's just eat and deliver those videos and get out of town." "Well, we can't since we don't have any gas." " Remember?" " That's right." "All right." "Well, I'll call AAA." "And then if they're not here by the time we're done," "I guess I'll just call a taxi." "Is that all right?" "Nadine:" "Okay." "( phone beeps )" "I'm not getting a signal up in here." "That's 'cause cell phones don't work in Stormy Night Estates." "Why not?" "Because they don't want anybody calling out to the outside world." "Elwood, I told you never to bother the customers." "I'm sorry." "Okay, drinks for everybody." "Uh..." "who gets what?" "Where's the men's room?" "At the back wall, turn right." "( unzips )" "( sighs )" "( person farting )" "( person defecating loudly )" "Hey, buddy, how about a courtesy flush, huh?" "( person farts, toilet flushes )" "Thank you." "Low voice:" "Hey, pal, you think you could pass me a roll of toilet paper, please?" "Here you go." "Thank you very much." "( blade swiping )" "( man grunting in pain )" "It's a boy!" "And whatever you do, don't be in town after midnight," " because ever since..." " You guys!" "This is crazy." "So I'm in the stall doing my business, and the guy next to me in the stall asks for some toilet paper and I said sure." "So when he reaches his hand under..." " Excuse me." "You guys are up." " Up where?" "Where?" " What are you talking about?" " To sing." "Your group." "What are you talking about?" "We're not singing." " No." " We're not singing." " Then what'd you sign up for?" " We didn't sign up." "Your friend Superman here signed you up when you were in the men's room." "Teddy?" "Teddy?" "Are you kidding me?" "Why did you sign us up?" "Well, I figured it, you know, it would help us fit in." "Who cares about fitting in?" "Teddy, you're the only brother here wearing a Superman outfit." "Fit in?" "Fit in?" "We're not gonna sing." "Take us off the list." "Okay." "Just take us off the list." "All right, all right." "Uh, the freaks at table 9 say they're too good to sing karaoke at our shitty little bar and grill." " No no..." " ( all booing )" "Easy easy." "I didn't say "shitty." Everybody, calm down." "( whip lashes )" "( "Ring of Fire" playing )" "¶ Love ¶" "¶ Is a burning thing ¶" "¶ And makes a fiery ring ¶" "¶ Bound by wild desire ¶" "¶ I fell into a ring of fire ¶" "¶ I fell into a burning ring of fire ¶" "¶ I went down down down ¶" "¶ And the flames went higher ¶" " ¶ And it burns burns burns ¶ - ¶ Burns burns burns ¶" "¶ The ring of fire ¶" "¶ The ring with fire... ¶" "( record screeches to a halt )" "What?" "I just thought you guys might like a little Johnny Cash." "Elwood:" "We like Johnny Cash." "It's just we're still a little sensitive about fires, ever since the one that destroyed and cursed our town." "That's right." "That's right." "The security guard told us." "( laughs )" "( all chuckle )" "Your whole town burned up." "Uh, sorry?" "Um, well..." "Howdy." "I'm Stan Helsing." "This is..." "Hey, did you say Van Helsing?" "No, I didn't say Van Helsing." "I said Stan Helsing." "Stan Helsing, not Van Helsing." "Why does everybody want me to be Van Helsing?" "Ever since the fire, this town has been tormented by monsters." "Legend has it that one day a Van Helsing will come and save us from this curse." "Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I'm Stan Helsing, not Van Helsing." "I'm not here to save anybody." "Sorry." "Well, I'm glad I didn't suggest we sing Clay Aiken." "Stan, I don't understand why you're ducking this whole Van Helsing thing." "I'm not ducking anything!" "I'm Stan." "Stan, man." "I'm not a monster killer." "I don't want to let these townspeople down." "( bell tolling, wolf howling )" "( clanging )" "Don't worry, it's just a clock." "( electricity buzzing, woman screaming )" "That can't be good." "I forgot my cell phone." " What?" " The door is locked." "( creaking )" "Well, go get your phone, Teddy." "( high-pitched ) I ain't going on my own... ( continues, gibberish )" "It is dark in there." "Ooh, I have a flashlight." "( all screaming )" "Ahh!" "You guys, I can't run anymore." "( sighs )" "I ain't running no more." "What the hell are you doing?" "What is that?" "It's my to-go burger." "( static )" "Prepare yourself to die, mortal!" " ( all screaming )" " Run to the west gate!" "This whole town is full of skeletons." "( all screaming )" "Man, this whole town is dead." "Oh my God." "Maybe this is like "The Sixth Sense" and we're the ones who are really dead." "You know what, Mia?" "I've been holding something back all night, so I'm just gonna go ahead and say it now:" "That doesn't make any sense, you stupid bitch." "Yeah, I feel better now." " Try the guardhouse phone." " Good idea." " Big surprise... it's dead." " ( phone rings )" " Hello?" " We know who you are." " Who is this?" " How'd you like my ass?" " Dad?" " I may be a little doll, but I'm gonna chop you and your friends into pieces." "You know who that was?" "That was that doll that we were driving next to that showed me his ass." "Oh my God." "Stan, I know it's been a stressful night, but there was no doll." "And there definitely was no doll" " showing you his ass!" " I'm out of here." "Come on." "God." " ( all gasping ) - ( electricity buzzing )" "Stan!" "Stan?" "Stan?" " Are you okay?" " ( gasps )" "Oh." "Ah." " Nadine?" " Yes." "Why did we break up?" "Don't you remember?" "I think so." "Yeah, so I told the guy, I was like, " Listen," "I'm the only guy here at the karaoke bar that sings 'T emple of the Dog." '" "I had to lay down the law, you know?" "I just think that grunge didn't have enough time to, like, fully mature." "You know?" "Like it's still evolving." "And that's what I'm trying to do, just bring my music back to that..." " ( fly buzzing ) ...you know, so... ( fly stops buzzing )" " How did you do that?" " I don't know." "Ever since I was a kid, I was, you know, able to snatch bugs and stuff." "Wow." "Woman over intercom:" "Number 74, your order's ready!" "That's us." "I'll go get it, since you paid and all." "¶ It's not the way that ¶" "¶ You carry on in bed ¶" "¶ It's not your last laugh ¶" "¶ It's not your game ¶" "¶ It's not the way that ¶" "¶ You wear your saddle straps ¶" "¶ It's in your name ¶" "¶ And it's in your gaze ¶" " ¶ Oooh... ¶ - ( baby crying )" "( choking )" "Pot pie." "Uh, I wish that was a real pot pie." "That would be fun." "¶ So hungry, I'm gonna eat you. ¶" "What?" "I think we should stop seeing each other." "Who are you doing?" " Stan?" " ( gasps )" "Stan?" "Stan, are you okay?" " Nadine?" " Yeah." "Are you wearing any underwear?" " Yep, he's fine." " ( Stan grunts )" "Teddy:" "Man, how was the flashback?" "It was terrible." "But the food was delicious." "All right, well, let's go find the east gate." "Good idea." "I taste metal." " East gate." "East gate." " Oh." "Okay." "( wolf howling )" "Look, this place can't be that big." "We'll find somebody to help us out, drop these videos off and get out of this godforsaken place." "Hey, look, a truck." " Nadine:" "Hey, it's stopping." " What is he doing?" "( body thumping )" " We should ask him for some help." " Nope." "We should." "Who else is there?" "Hey, buddy!" " Hey!" " Excuse me, sir?" " Nadine:" "Over here!" " Stan:" "You, with the yarmulke!" "Oh, he's leaving." " Wait a minute." " Mia:" "What was he doing?" "He threw something down that metal tube." "Teddy:" "Yeah, but that something was moving." "Yeah, and that something was bloody." "Hello?" " Hey, Mia, hand me your flashlight." " Oh, sure." "( flashlight crashes )" " What are you doing?" " Sorry." "Hello, sir?" "Yoo-hoo!" "Sir, I know you're tied up right now, but could you please throw me my flashlight?" "Hello?" "( grunts )" "Nadine:" "Oh, no no!" " ( screaming )" " Oh!" "Oh!" " Do you have her?" " Yeah, I got her!" "Damn." "I think now would be a great time for a reverse POV." "Oh, shit." " ( mouse squealing ) - ( Mia giggling )" "Stop it." "Stan." "Oh." "A little higher." "Oh, right there." "Oh, no." "( footsteps )" "Come back." "Stan, can you pull her up?" "I'll try." "( clothing ripping )" "( sniffs )" "I should have grabbed your hands." "You know, I'm gonna just keep these for later... no, evidence." "That's evidence." "Help me, I'm not wearing any underwear!" "Hey." "A perfectly good pencil." "Can you pull me up?" " ( both grunting )" " No." "Well, try lowering me down a little farther." "Nadine:" "Okay, we'll try." "You know, I think you're gonna have to get in the tube and grab his ankles and then I'll hold onto yours." " Are you gonna look up my skirt?" " No." "Probably." "Okay." "Uh, ahhh!" "I feel like a lost little doggie." "Ooh!" "Ooh-oooh!" "Oh, wait, wait a minute." "Ah, okay." "There it is." "It came out." "Okay." "Nadine:" "A little deeper." "A few more inches." "Yeah, that's what you bitches always say... to somebody else!" "Not Teddy." "Teddy..." "Teddy gets it done." "Ain't nobody out here." "Ahh!" "( all grunting )" "Where... where am I?" "Where am I?" "Where..." " Where is this place?" " Uh, I don't know, but your hands are on my breasts." "Oh, I'm sorry." " ( gasps )" " Ahh!" "A rat." "I'll kill it!" "No, he's my friend." "Oh!" "Oh no, I think he's hurt." "( Stan moaning )" "Is that someone's ass?" "Oh my God." " Help me." " Stan:" "Dude, you look like shit." "You're like a really messed-up Paul Giamatti." "Who did this to you?" "It's... it's horrible." "Vicious." "It's... it's..." "It's what?" "For the love of God, tell us!" "It's behind you." "( all screaming )" "( tombstone squeaking )" "( Stan grunting )" "Ahh!" "Okay." "One, two, here you go." "( grunts )" "Take my hand." "( gasps ) Hey, a church." "Maybe there's like a priest inside who can help us." "Let's go." "( organ playing )" "It worked." "He didn't follow us in." "This place is so beautiful." "Makes me wish I'd worn my nun costume." "( "Take Me Out To the Ballgame" playing )" "Disturbing." "Jeez!" "Jesus Christ." "You can't sneak up on me like that, Father." "I'm not a priest." "I'm an altar boy." " ( organ plays scary tune )" " Almost a priest." "Okay." "Hey, you think you can maybe, like, hide us, you know?" "Keep us safe?" "Ooh, I can hide them." "I mean, I can hide you... but you will never be safe." "I think he likes you." "You are Van Helsing, the monster killer." "Oh, man, not you too." "Look, dude, it's... it's Stan." "It's Stan Helsing." "I'm no monster killer." "I work at a video store." " No." " Hey hey hey hey hey." "I thought you said you weren't a priest." "Almost a priest." "He is Stan Van Helsing, descendant of Dr. Abraham Van Helsing, and salvation of all who are trapped in Stormy Night Estates." "Why do you reject the role you were born to?" "Go ahead, Stan." "Tell him some of your mottos." "Okay." "Look, dude," "I just like to go with the flow." "What's the problem with that?" "I'm no monster killer." "I'm certainly no leader." " I'm just here to drop off these videos." " Shh shh shh shh!" "It has been said that some are born to greatness, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them." "Sweet greatness." "You sure you're not a priest?" "This close... almost a priest." "Okay." "What's the plan?" "Follow me." "Please come this way." "Hang your torches on the wall." "I will give you some items that will aid you in your quest." " Sweet." " Yeah." "Yeah, you will." "( sighs )" "¶ Holy chest of mystery... ¶" "Wow." "Oh, that chest." "This chest." "For you, this sweet jacket." "Yeah." "Ooh, that is really gonna bring out the color of your eyes." "Oh, yeah." " Mm-hmm." " Oh." "Ahh!" "Not to be referred to now, but upon meeting the enemy." "Oh, right. 'Cause I'm sure the monsters will wait on killing us while I read my monster handbook." "( all laughing )" "Filled with holy water..." " Yeah, that's mine." " No, it's not." "...to buy you the time." "Wow, I wonder if Jesus used that." "Say, man, what about the rest of us?" "( sighs )" "You will know once you use this why it alters your look." "I didn't know my look needed altering." "Well, you could pluck your eyebrows." "And for you... no explanation necessary." "The Strip-a-lot 3000s." "I wanted these for Christmas." "And for you, super one..." " Oh!" "...for when you get hungry, one final shameless product placement, a Fatburger for my fat little superhero." "Here you go, big guy." "Hope this doesn't turn into that dude with the needles in his head." "Maybe we should just camp out here until morning, then call a taxi." "No!" "How dare you reject the opportunity that has been given you?" "Be gone!" "God help you." " ( door slams )" " Nadine:" "Thanks, Stan." " What?" " Not many people can say they've actually been thrown out of a church." "Oh, boy." "I still can't get over that." "( music and girls moaning )" "Stan:" "What's this?" "( hip hop playing )" "( all hissing )" "Oh." "What?" "Whoa!" "( hissing )" "All:" "Oh!" "Ahh!" " What in the..." " Teddy, you know what I'm thinking?" " Fantasy sequence?" " Yeah!" "Yeah!" "( hip hop playing )" "Both:" "Mmm!" "Mm-hmm!" "Here you go." "Whoo-hoo!" "Here you go... bang." "Whoa whoa!" "Pah!" "( both laughing )" " ¶ Titties titties ¶ - ¶ Ass ass titties... ¶" "So what's you guys's names?" "Names?" "What are names?" "Don't tell us your name." "Tell us... tell us your stripper names." "We are the brides of Dracula." "Well, I hope he's out of town on business." "Ha ha!" "Damn!" "How much for a lap dance?" "Right here in your hole." "Look at those toes." "What is your name?" "Stan." "( sing-song ) Sta..." "Stan..." "Helsing." "( gasps )" "¶ Stan Helsing. ¶" "Stan Helsing?" "Don't you mean Van Helsing?" "No no no, it's Stan Helsing." "( record screeches to halt )" "Hey, all right." "That's for you." " We're outta here." " What do you mean you're out of here?" " Teddy:" "What's wrong?" " Wait, what?" "Baby..." "Come on!" "Hey." "Wait... wait a minute, wait a minute." "I..." "I wanted to show you something." "Say, this is a fantasy." "You don't walk out on a fantasy like that." "Man, the next time three fine womans with their breasteses exposed ask you if your name is Van Helsing, the answer is yes!" "( women clearing throats )" "Oh, hey." "We were, uh... doing a little, uh..." " uh, recon." " That's all." "What's that up there?" " Uh, about a 2"x30"?" " That's a 2"x30"." "I have to admit, as a fellow professional, those dancers were pretty good." "Yeah, I think that one girl was ambidextrous." "Wow, I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous." "You know, all this monster killing is bullshit." "Our first plan should be to escape." "We need to find the east gate." " I'm with you." " Me too." "Me too." "It's anonymous!" "Hey, there's a guy." "Maybe he can help us." "Hey, sir?" "Do you know how to get to the east... ( all scream )" "( powers on )" "Both:" "Oh God!" "Ahhh!" "¶ I can picture you naked... ¶" "( song continues )" "You shall not pass!" "¶ I can picture you naked... ¶" "( yipping )" "¶ I can picture you naked... ¶" "How come we're not losing him?" "Hey, look, a police station!" "Police!" "What... what?" "Man, this is just an old movie set." "You know, besides the fact that we've been in constant danger from the moment we got here, this town is really cute." "( echoing voices ) Shh shh shh shh." " Wait, guys, shh!" "Listen." " ( echoing )" " Shh shh shh shh." " You guys hear that?" "( growls )" " That's him, isn't it?" " Uh-huh." " Ahh!" " ( all screaming )" "Maybe we should run inside one of these houses." "Great idea." "Then what?" "Should we hide up in the attic?" "Maybe we should try hiding in this house." "I'm tired of running." "( thunder rumbles )" "Let's do it." " ( door creaking ) - ( thunder rumbling )" "Well, in case he saw us come in here." "( all screaming )" "He saw us." "He saw us!" "He saw us!" "Run!" "Holy moly!" "Maybe try this one." "Looks like a bathroom." "( making flatulence sounds )" "Is it a bathroom?" "Look, there's a pay phone." "It takes tokens." "Come on, come on." "( phone dinging )" "Operator." "Op... ( sexy music playing )" "Hi there, baby." "Anything you need to get off your mind?" "I think that one has a double meaning, Stan." "Woman:" "We'll do whatever you want." "We don't want to jerk you around." "Yeah, that one has a double meaning too." "( all moaning )" " That's pretty specific." " Oh!" "I think I just got off." "Oh." "That's okay." "That could happen to anyone, even Stan." " ( unzips )" " Oh, little Stan!" " ( women moaning )" " Yeah." "Stan!" " Woman #1:" "More cream, Stan." " Woman #2:" "Yeah." "Sorry." "Can I call you back?" "Mm-hmm." "( music ends )" " We should try upstairs." " ( unzipping )" "Do you take debit cards?" "This is good." "Come on." "Move the bed!" " Block the door." " ( all groaning )" "( sighs )" "Oh!" "Wow, I can... barely keep my eyes... ( snoring )" "( bicycle bell dings )" "Um..." "Oh, Jeez!" "Guys... we did it." "We did it!" " ( laughing )" " Yeah, we did it!" " We did it!" " Let's go!" "Teddy, I don't know about you, but I haven't slept that well in years." "Yeah, whatever!" "I know I ruined our night, and I'm sorry, but since it's daylight, I'd really like to drop off these videos." "Can we get some breakfast?" "I'm starving." " That's so weird." " Not so weird!" "( screaming )" "Ahhh!" " ( all screaming )" " Ha ha ha ha!" "Ahh!" "Can you say "bitch slap"?" "( all gasping )" " Man, I had this nightmare." " Me too." "The guy had, like, a Swiss Army knife on his hand." " And he smacked us." " Across the face." "When did you change into a nurse's outfit?" "Oh, in my dream." "Well, we can't fall asleep again because that's when he'll kill us." "There's a TV." "Let's put that on." "We'll keep you posted on this election." "And in local news, tonight police are looking for this man." "His name is Finbar Ohara, an escaped murderer also known as The Butcher." "Hey, that's the guy we picked up." "A busload of Linwood special-education students found him lying on New Road after he had been thrown from a moving vehicle." "He wasn't thrown." "He let go." "Once inside the bus, he turned on his good Samaritans, killed the driver and all but one of the special-ed students." "The lone surviving special-education student described the killer as screaming and bossy." "I didn't think he was bossy." "In other news, a Margate couple was arrested this evening for selling pornography that was shot surreptitiously while people used the bathroom at the couple's gas station." "Chanel 5 News was there exclusively when the bust went down." "Some of the footage was shot as recently as this evening." "Maybe we'll get residuals." "And finally tonight, the death of a local hero." "Sammy Boy was the victim of a hit-and-run accident." "Viewers might remember Sammy Boy from a story we did a couple of months ago when Sammy Boy rescued several children from a fire at the Bentner Orphanage." "Sammy Boy's owner was too distraught to speak to us on camera, but he said he vowed to get those who killed Sammy Boy and "butcher them like pigs."" " Turn it off." " That's all for tonight." "I'm Zorianna Kit." "Well, there he is, waiting for us." "Well, I'm tired of waiting to be slaughtered." "I'm gonna do something about it." "( all scream )" " ( unsheaths sword )" " Stan, wait." "Ahh!" "No one messes with me and my friends!" " ( girl screams )" " Hey!" " He's beating up Timmy, our goalie." " Ah, stop!" "Let's get him!" "( Timmy moaning )" " Get back here!" " Come on!" "( all shouting )" "Ow!" "Ow!" "Teddy:" "That's great, Stan." "We went from one crazy hockey player trying to kill us to a whole team." "Well, that's 'cause I don't like getting involved." "We need to get out of here, okay?" "We're trapped in here like sitting ducks." "( pop music blaring )" " Oh!" " Ahhh!" "( grunting )" "And cut." "His cock is green." "( music continues )" "His fangs are starting to leave marks." "What's that smell?" "Man:" "It's a combination of tanning oil and poop." "Oh, what the hell is this?" "We're making a gay porno." "That's what we do here at Cornhole Pictures." "Cornhole Pictures?" "Hey, how did these looky-loos get on my set?" " Get these freaks out of here." " Hey, man, we're going." "We're just trying to, like, get through this house and then we're trying to drop off these videos." "Then we'll go on our way." ""Grazing Ryan's Privates"?" "What?" "That's a classic." "Oh, he got lube on the bag." "( sniffs )" "He got lube on..." " Why do you have that?" " I'm just dropping them off, man." "Get 'em out of here." "Who would have thought that Stormy Night Pictures is now the home to porn?" " ( dog cooing )" " Oh, you guys." " Aw." " All:" "Aww!" " How cute." " Oh, little cutie!" " Aw!" " Oh, you baby!" "He kind of looks like that dog we hit on the road." "Man:" "You mean Sammy Boy?" "That's Sammy Boy's son." " This is Sammy Boy!" " ( barking )" " Whoa!" " Ah!" "Hi, Sammy Boy." "Looking good." " ( barking )" " Nice job." "You barely notice." "He hasn't been the same since you hit him with your car." "He can't eat." "Now he's starving." "Have you tried the Ensure?" "They're these little milkshakes." "We gave them to my grandfather one time when he couldn't poop." "It was awful..." "Sammy needs meat!" "There was a Sizzler that we just passed" " on the way over here." " Raw meat." " You don't have to cook it." " ( growling )" " Anybody else got any big bright ideas?" " Mia:" "No." "But I have this." "Teddy:" "What you got there?" "( blowing dog whistle )" "That's fantastic, Mia." "Keep doing that." "You're controlling him!" "You haven't seen the last of us!" "( whistle stops )" "You guys, I'm like those guys in Vegas with the tigers..." "Sigmund  Freud." "You know, we have so many people after us, if we don't get to a landline soon and call for a ride, we're not gonna make it through this night alive." "Too bad there's just that cab phone." "What cab phone?" "The one in the town square that we passed." "Ahhh!" "( wind whistling )" "Do you guys hear that?" "All right." "All right, thanks." "( sniffs )" "So I called the dispatcher." "Cab'll be here in 20 minutes." "And did you tell him to call the police?" "On who?" "Us for killing that hero dog?" "Yeah, he's got a point." " So are we still going to this party?" " Party?" "I just want to go home." "We're not home yet." "( all grunting )" "Barker:" "Programs!" "Get your programs right here!" "Get them while they're hot..." "red hot!" "Here you go, kind sir." "$1 please." "Thank you kindly." " Well, that can't be good." " We are so screwed." "I can't believe I'm gonna die dressed as a nurse." "You're not gonna die dressed as a nurse." "So I have time to change?" "That's great, because I have this really cute little Girl Scout uniform..." " We're going to plan B." " All:" "What's plan B?" " Run!" " Ahhh!" " ( techno music playing ) - ( all screaming )" "Damn, those guys are fast." " I'm scared." " Don't be scared, little lady." " What's that on my hip?" " Nothing but a little goodbye hug." "Stan, I hate to admit it, but I'm really scared too." "Well, I'm not scared." "I just don't know what to do." "Is this how it all ends?" "( gunshot )" "No, it's not how it all ends!" "We're gonna settle this the way we settle everything around here ever since the fire destroyed our town." "How's that?" " Utilizing the ancient art of..." " Karaoke!" "( gongs )" "All right, freaks." "Tonight you will be given a chance to beat these monsters in an event that plays to your strengths..." " singing karaoke." " Bam!" "Now in case you don't know it, here's what's at stake:" "If Stan and the gang wins, they get to go home alive and the monsters must leave our town and never come back!" "( townspeople cheering )" "Now if the monsters win, they get to mutilate and kill Stan and Nadine and Teddy and Mia." " No, that's "boo."" " You said "Stan"?" "First up, the monsters." "( "YMCA" playing )" "¶ Hey, Stan, there's no need to feel down ¶" "¶ We said, " Hey, Stan ¶" "¶ Pick yourself off the ground" ¶" "¶ We said, " Hey, Stan ¶" "¶ 'Cause you're in a new town ¶" "¶ There's no need to be ¶" "¶ Unhappy ¶" "¶ Hey, Stan, there's this thing you should know" ¶" "¶ We said, " Hey, Stan, when we're done with this show ¶" "¶ You can stay here and I'm sure you will find ¶" "¶ That we're here to rape and kill you" ¶" "¶ We're here to kill S-T-A-N ¶" "¶ It's fun to kill S-T-A-N ¶" "¶ Our intentions are real ¶" "¶ And you can't make a deal ¶" "¶ This will be your last meal ¶" "¶ Hey, Stan ¶" "¶ Are you listening to me?" "¶" "¶ We said, " Hey, Stan ¶" "¶ Who did you think you'd be?" ¶" "¶ We said, " Hey, Stan, we can crush all your dreams ¶" "¶ Don't think you can escape us." ¶" "Kay:" "Well, I hate to say it, but great job, monsters." "Not bad for a bunch of murderous heathens." "But Stan and the gang are gonna give it a shot." "( all cheering )" "( "I Don't Want To Go Home" playing )" "¶ Well, I know that it's getting late ¶" "¶ But I just wanna go home ¶" "¶ I'm in no hurry, baby, time can wait ¶" "¶ 'Cause I just wanna go home ¶" "¶ Listen to the man sing his song ¶" "¶ I just wanna go home ¶" "¶ I don't mind if it takes all night long ¶" "¶ 'Cause I just wanna go home ¶" "¶ Listen, baby, I know we had to try ¶" "¶ To reach up and touch the sky, baby ¶" "¶ Whatever happened to you and I?" "¶" "¶ But I just wanna go home ¶" "¶ Lord, look at how the people stare ¶" "¶ Said I just wanna go home ¶" "¶ In their minds I know they've all been there ¶" "¶ I just wanna go home ¶" "¶ I know the words to this song are real ¶" "¶ But, oh, I just wanna go home ¶" "¶ I know he's talking about the way I feel ¶" "¶ And I just wanna go home ¶" "¶ Listen, baby ¶" "¶ I know we had to try ¶" "¶ To reach up and touch the sky, baby ¶" "¶ Whatever happened to you and I?" "¶" "¶ But I just wanna go home. ¶" "( all cheering )" "Tough." "It's tough... tough call." "Now you know how it works... the town decides." "How many of you think that Stan and his friends were the best?" "( all cheering )" "Yay!" "Now how many of you felt that the monsters were the best?" "( monsters cheering )" "( monster sighs )" " ( shudders )" " Aw, well," "I'm sorry, monsters." "They're admittedly a little biased, you understand." "( growling )" "Wait wait wait." "You heard Kay." "We won fair and square." "( monsters laughing )" "There is no fair and square." "Uh, Stan?" "Do something, Stan." "Do something." "I'm gonna bring out the hardware." "( toy gun squeaking )" " Do you need a hand?" " No, I got it." "Ooh, I got it." "Ahhh!" "( all sighing )" "Well, that was completely ineffective." "Hmm." "I..." "I feel like I should tell you, um..." "I forgot to mention that I got a little thirsty earlier, so I refilled your weapon with the water hose from outside." " You drank the holy water?" " It was delicious!" "Could have used this information a minute ago." "Ahh." " ( laughs ) - ( wood clanking )" "The scroll!" "Great, it's a joke." "I thought it'd be more of a clue." "I think you're both right..." "it's a joke and a clue on how to deal with these monsters." " I don't get it." " I don't get it either." "No, guys, I think I can read this." "Yeah, I think it says that the monsters have weaknesses." "( monsters laughing )" "Okay okay, Stan Helsing!" "You've had your fun." "Now get ready to taste your own blood!" " Ahh!" " Ooh!" "( all gasp )" "Man:" "There!" "Check it out!" "That really hurt." "( all chattering )" "You wanted me to get involved?" "Well, I'm getting involved." "Wait, no, please." "Please please." " ( whip lashes ) - ( Freddy crying )" "I don't see how this is gonna help, but all right." "Oh, not me?" "Okay." "Ow!" " ( crying )" " My God." "( all laughing )" "I have no weaknesses, mortal." "( grunting continues )" "( all cheering )" "We're not gonna go that easy." "Oh, actually, you two have the same weakness." "Teddy... condiments, please." "Coming right up, Stan my man!" "( laughing ) Whoo!" "( growling )" "Sounds like Sammy Boy finally got his raw meat." " ( rimshot plays ) - ( all laughing )" "Got his raw meat!" "( laughs )" "Let's set this on shred!" "Yeah!" " ( clicking ) - ( monster grunting )" "( clears throat )" "Hello?" "Hi." "Ha." "Looks like no one's getting blown tonight." " ( all laughing )" " Ahhh!" "And what's my weakness?" " Dude, you're a doll." " ( whistle blows )" "Announcer over radio:" "Go for the goal!" "Blue 69, hut hut hut!" "Announcer:" "Here's the kick!" "In the air." "It's good!" "You did it!" "You got rid of the monsters!" "Your cab is waiting for you outside." "Here." "You've earned it," "Stan Van Helsing." "( kissing )" "Freak." "( all cheering )" "Come back!" "Come back!" "We need you." "( crowd cheering )" "Thanks for visiting Stormy Night Estates!" " ( phone ringing )" " West gate." " ( mumbled speech )" " An ice-cream truck?" "That's a new one." "No, I can't say I've ever seen a Rocket Sucker with balls." "Oh, hey look, it's the mask that altar boy gave you." "Oh." "Mask." "So does it alter how I look?" "I think he meant it would alter how you look at things." "Oh." "( hawk screeching )" "Stop the cab, please!" "Yeah!" "You know what I'm thinking?" " Lap dance?" " Well, I was gonna say a kiss, but we can skip right to the lap dance if you want to." "( hip-hop music playing )" "Oh my oh..." "Oh, I'd better make sure you're okay." "Oh, no, you're so sick." "Oh, you're so sick." "Whoo!" "Welcome to my world, bitch." "( hip-hop song playing )" "¶ Take it one time ¶" "¶ Yeah yeah, uh-huh ¶" "¶ Do we gotta say it again?" "Ain't nothing goin' to change ¶" "¶ What we got is lockdown ¶" "¶ We run the game and that's right ¶" "¶ People wanna get on down and get down ¶" "¶ People wanna let loose and let loose ¶" "¶ 'Cause you know that the beat is sick ¶" "¶ Make you wanna get down with it ¶" "¶ Yeah, yo ¶" "¶ I eliminated the middle man, the child genius ¶" "¶ Growing up with a fan like nothing in the middle, man ¶" "¶ I gotta do this for my daughter and my little man... ¶" "Oh, yeah, squeeze your face." "Who's a bad boy?" "Who's a bad..." "Yeah!" "Yeah, you're my bad boy!" "You're my bad boy!" "¶ Everybody can do it, you know Scribble can ¶" "¶ Went from the top to the bottom to the top again ¶" "¶ And ain't no stopping him ¶" "¶ 'Cause he the one to check my studio tan, man ¶" "¶ I ain't seen the sun in five weeks... ¶" "Hey, Mom." "That's right." "I'm in a stripper costume." "I'm giving a lap dance." "I've done dirty dirty things in this movie." "You're gonna be so proud of me." "¶ Where that music coming from?" "¶" "¶ From my heart, just a start, there's a reason... ¶" "Wait, are there any black people in this movie?" "Wait, we're in it." "( laughs )" "I'm in it!" "¶ Tick tickety, don't quit, but do we gotta say it again?" "¶" "¶ Ain't nothing going to change ¶" "¶ What we got is lockdown ¶" " ¶ We run the game... ¶" " Take this right, take this right!" "¶ People want to get on down and get down... ¶" "This is Mockingbird Lane." " ( giggling )" " It takes..." " One more time." " Do it again, do it again." "Do it again." "Here we go." "Shut up." "Shut up." "Here we go." "Take this right, take this right!" "Oh." "Ahh." "One more." "It's so stupid!" "Stan Helsing?" "I thought you said Van Helsing." "Next thing I know you're gonna tell me that's not Superman." "( laughing )" "¶ Get you high but too much and you might choke on the words ¶" "¶ Please stop frontin' like you're taking the crown ¶" "¶ You're really waiting' around till I'm hingin' the town ¶" "¶ Oh!" "Tick tock, you don't stop ¶" "¶ To the... tick tock, you don't stop ¶" "¶ To the..." "tick tock, you don't stop ¶" "¶ To the... tick tickety, you don't quit ¶" "¶ But do we gotta say it again?" "¶" "¶ Ain't nothin' going to change ¶" "¶ What we got is lockdown ¶" "¶ We run the game and that's right ¶" "¶ People wanna get on down and get down ¶" "¶ People wanna let loose and let loose ¶" "¶ But you know that the beat is sick ¶" "¶ You make me want to get down with it ¶" "¶ That's right, straight running the game full stop ¶" "¶ Third verse, catch it fresh with the free flow ¶" "¶ Hands up in the air, put 'em up for my people ¶" "¶ If you're still wondering about the numbers that we sow ¶" "¶ Just bought a house, motherfucker, it's free ho ¶" "¶ Not Lisa Loeb but got the #1 single ¶" "¶ Come a long way from them radio jingles ¶" "¶ Had to hustle and flow, keep that on the d-low ¶" "¶ Stay humble, showing off's not in my "stilo" ¶" "¶ We just sitting together now, sittin' in the king's throne ¶" "¶ Even got coated platinum buttons on my ringtone ¶" "¶ Producing and continuing' to jam, bringing my team home ¶" "¶ Peter Jackson can now witness King Kong ¶" "¶ Looking forward for daylight, Chinese playing ping-pong ¶" "¶ Laughing at the competition, whacking at wind songs ¶" "¶ Keep it poppin', I ain't stopping', won't be long ¶" "¶ Ride it to the top like I ain't even been gone ¶" "¶ Tick tock, you don't stop ¶" "¶ To the... tick tock, you don't stop ¶" "¶ To the..." "tick tock, you don't stop ¶" "¶ To the... tick tickety, you don't quit ¶" "¶ But do we gotta say it again?" "¶" "¶ Ain't nothin' going to change ¶" "¶ What we got is lockdown ¶" "¶ We run the game and that's right ¶" "¶ People wanna get on down and get down ¶" "¶ People wanna let loose and let loose ¶" "¶ But you know that the beat is sick ¶" "¶ You make me want to get down with it ¶" "¶ That's right, straight running the game full stop ¶" "¶ Get get, uh, get, get down ¶" "¶ Get get get get, get down ¶" "¶ Get get, uh, get, get down ¶" "¶ Get get, uh, get, get down ¶" "¶ Oh, straight running the game ¶" "¶ Full stop, straight running the game ¶" "¶ Full stop, straight running the game ¶" "¶ Straight running the game, straight running the game. ¶" "( new song begins )" "¶ Yeah ¶" "¶ How y'all feeling out there tonight?" "¶" "¶ Hey, pretty lady ¶" "¶ Let me touch your body, let me touch your body ¶" "¶ Rub it real good, let me use my hands ¶" "¶ Do it like I should ¶" "¶ I like your frame, honey, let's have a freak party ¶" "¶ I know you like it naughty, I know you like it naughty ¶" "¶ Let me touch your body, rub it real good ¶" "¶ Let me use my hands, do it like I should ¶" "¶ I like your frame, honey, let's have a freak party ¶" "¶ I know you like it naughty, I know you like it naughty ¶" "¶ Look at that rack, she's so stacked ¶" "¶ The way she move her neck make me want it back ¶" "¶ Ordinary girl and it ain't an act ¶" "¶ Watch her back it up like a Mack truck ¶" "¶ And she act up, how you doin', cutie?" "¶" "¶ Got me amped up, Miss Cool Booty ¶" "¶ I wanna touch your body, do it real fresh ¶" "¶ Make you feel good, probably make you sweat ¶" "¶ Let me touch your body, rub it real good ¶" "¶ Let me use my hands, do it like I should ¶" "¶ I like your frame, honey, let's have a freak party ¶" "¶ I know you like it naughty, I know you like it naughty ¶" "¶ Let me touch your body, rub it real good ¶" "¶ Let me use my hands, do it like I should ¶" "¶ I like your frame, honey, let's have a freak party ¶" "¶ I know you like it naughty, I know you like it naughty ¶" "¶ Ordinary girl, yeah, you do it crazy ¶" "¶ Undercover badge, yeah, that's you, baby ¶" "¶ You're from Costa Rica and you smell exotic ¶" "¶ Like a gin and tonic before you get erotic ¶" "¶ Yeah, I'm feeling buzzed, do the booty shake ¶" "¶ Yeah, that's what it was, she don't never fake ¶" "¶ She like her body touched, it's a freak thing ¶" "¶ Big Cali butt, tiny G-string ¶" "¶ Let me touch your body, rub it real good ¶" "¶ Let me use my hands, do it like I should ¶" "¶ I like your frame, honey, let's have a freak party ¶" "¶ I know you like it naughty, I know you like it naughty ¶" "¶ Let me touch your body, rub it real good ¶" "¶ Let me use my hands, do it like I should ¶" "¶ I like your frame, honey, let's have a freak party ¶" "¶ I know you like it naughty, I know you like it naughty. ¶"