"Gosh, Grace, it was so sweet of you to cook Will and Karen dinner" "Well, you know, I just figured after a long day at the divorce hearing it would be nice to come back to a home cooked meal" "You're so generous" "I swear, if you weren't Jewish you'd definitely go to heaven" "Thanks, Jack." "And if you weren't gay you'd go there too" "Ooh, they're gonna be here any minute We should get crackin`" "This looks complicated" "Jack, it's four packs of Easy Mac" "It's really complicated" "Okay, now, read the recipe to me again" "Place noodles in bowl add water" "Slow down!" "That was endless" "Do you remember when it used to take six minutes to cook macaroni and cheese?" "No" "I'm really young" "Who does that Stanley Walker think he is?" "Trying to cheat me outta half of his fortune?" "I gave that man the drunkest years of my life!" "Oh, you've still got some good drunk years ahead of you, I bet" "Oh, and you two wouldn't believe the lawyer that Stan has" "Hmm, this Truman fella Tricky little queen" "Mincing around the conference room "I object, move to sstrike."" "Yeah, he was a riot You know who else was something?" "The pill-popping shrew trying to get her hands on Stan's money" "Yeah." "Falling asleep on the conference table waking up with a shriek throwing up a little in her purse" "Guys, guys, come on" "Let's relax." "Nobody got hurt nobody got outed" "Yay!" "It's ready" "Grace, I wanted to say that!" "A "yay" is better from a gay" "Look, Will." "We've been cooking" "Oh, a cuisine of Chef Boy-are-you-lazy" "Hey, we were just trying to do something nice" "Sorry, if it wasn't as fancy as you would've done it" "With your squeezing pepper and your stirring things in bowls" "Sorry, it's just been a difficult day... watching Joan Crawford address PepsiCo" "Oh, yeah, real rough day for you" "Meanwhile, my soon-to-be ex-husband is trying to screw me over" "I gave that man the drunkest years of my life!" "Stop saying that here stop saying that to the judge!" "Dinner is getting cold!" "I don't know why I even try anymore" "How dare Stanley Walker say that I wasn't a good wife?" "!" "You think it was fun sharing my bed with that gas machine?" "I swear." "I am never speaking to that man again" "I mean it, I'm done!" "Miss Karen I have awful news" "What is it, Rosie?" "Because this day couldn't possibly get any worse" "It's Mr. Stan He's dead" "Hey, hey, I got off work early Picked up a couple of sixes" "I found a 20 on the street Damn, it's good to be alive!" "What" "Hello, welcome to the funeral" "Right this way" "First wife's side there Second wife's side there" "Mistress' side down in front right where Stan liked her" "And I know this is a somber occasion but we're gonna try to not block the entrance" "Okay, and we're moving and we're sad" "Okay, and we're sad...." "I can't believe Stan is gone" "I feel so bad Maybe I could've saved him" "The man died schtupping his mistress" "I don't see how you could've saved him" "Maybe I could've distracted him I could've run in wearing a pizza" "Wait, he really died schtupping his mistress?" "That hot British chick?" "That lucky bastard" "It could be argued" "Apparently, she was trapped under him for two days" "Only thing that kept her alive were the little bits of sandwich underneath his right breast" "'Scuse me Can you show some respect?" "A man died." "A man I knew a man I could've been under" "Wh-why would you have been under him?" "Why is anybody under anyone?" "The point is the randomness of it all People die." "I might die" "Even worse, I might get old Really old" "And we're back to Grace" "I don't think we really ever left" "Hey, buddy" "That suit I couldn't find this morning looks good on you" "Oh, yes." "It's like a vacation for the seams" "How you holding up?" "How do you think I'm holding up?" "Stan was distant knew nothing about me never supported my career He was like a father to me" "It's hard to believe he's gone" "Seems like only yesterday he was pointing to his new plugs and saying" ""do these look real?" I lied and said yes" "Hey, Karen/I'm so sorry, Karen Thank you" "Could I get in on that?" "Sure, you big softie come on" "Rosie...." "Yes, Miss Karen?" "Could you do me a favor?" "Anything, Miss Karen" "Could you... go into the chapel and..." "Lemon Pledge my pew?" "Like you had to ask" "I'm gonna go and make sure all the unattractive people are in the back" "You shouldn't have to bear anymore pain today" "Hey!" "Lazy eye in the back!" "Will, Will" "I'm right here, sweetie" "No, Will, when can I see the will" "You're very upset I don't think now is a good time to talk about that" "I know, honey, it's just that I'm feeling so many emotions..." "Loss, anger, sadness" "Knowing how much money I'm getting would really snap all of that into focus" "Well, I'm not really sure I-I haven't seen the latest version" "Huh--what--huh--latest--huh?" "Yeah, Stan came in to see his estate attorney a couple of weeks ago" "I remember because it was the day that" "I tried the Rock deodorant and they asked me to leave at 3:00" "They changed his will Why would he do that?" "Well, well, well." "Looked what my husband's cash dragged in" "How could this happen, Letty?" "My Stanley, my little man" "I could still remember his last words" ""I'm..." "I'm..." and then he was gone" "Lorraine" "Karen" " Back-up maid" " Miss Karen" "Nice outfit for a funeral" "If that dress were any shorter I could see your English muffin" "I wouldn't talk" "If that dress were any lower I could see your yankee doodles" "You're a natty dresser Are you English?" "Oh, no, I'm gay" "Well, it's the same thing" "If that weren't true I'd find it offensive" "Come on, Karen Let's go inside" "Darling." "Darling" "I know this is a sad day for both of us" "But I just want you to know one little thing" "I'm getting it all" "Well, then, maybe you can treat yourself to some underpants" "Stanley Walker touched so many people's lives" "He was a wonderful husband a loving father, a respected businessman" "His absence will leave a huge void in our lives that cannot possibly be filled" "All right, enough with the fat jokes" "And now a reading from Psalm 23 "The Lord is my shepard..."" "I don't know what I'd do if you died I hope I go first" "Then again, you love me so much that would be unbearable for you" "Yeah, you should die first" "Definitely you" "Can I go in my sleep or you looking for me to suffer?" "And now a special treat Stanley's little sister, Kimmy is going to sing her brother's favorite song" "Oh, I love to go a-wandering along the mountain track" "And as I go, I love to sing my knapsack on my back." "Valderi, valdera" "What a lame-o song Who would like that?" "Valdera-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha." "Valderi, valdera my knapsack on my back..." "Hey, look at her" "I know We hate her" "We hate her even more than the know-it-all daughter on "The Gilmore Girls."" "Is that tart flipping me off?" "Oh, I can't take it anymore Wilma!" "I wave my hat to all I meet" "Wilma!" "Oh, I'm sorry It's just such a wonderful song" "And it's so sweet how Kimmy and Stan have the same voice" "Listen, I need to see that will and I need to see it right now." "Chop chop!" "What're you suggesting?" "That I page a lawyer on the weekend and have him run the will over here?" "Drag some guy all the way to Westchester?" "Clear this place out in the middle of a funeral and start talking dollars and cents?" "Sounds good" "Oh, all right." "I wouldn't ordinarily do this but I'm dying to try my new Blackberry" "Pbbblltt!" "Why do you need to see the will?" "Stan changed it She might get everything" "Damn her!" "I am never speaking to her again" "My knapsack on my back" "Thank you, Kimmy Let's get together and this time, I'll show up." "Okay?" "And now, a moment of silence as we reflect on the life of Stanley Walker" "Sorry" "Turn it off, Leo" "Good idea, Grace" "Hello?" "Oh, hey, how are you?" "I'm--I'm sorry." "He's a doctor I'm a doctor's wife" "A moment of silence" "I'd like you to have all your things out by tomorrow morning, all right?" "Oh, okay." "Oh, pssst I'd like you to eat me" "An number of people have offered to share their memories of Stanley Walker" "And first up is his" " Well let's say, friend." "Lorraine Finster" "Thank you, Kevin" "Stanley Walker was a giant bear of a man" "And underneath that giant bear was a smaller bear" "And underneath that bear was me" "Gasping for air When I first met Stanley" "I was working in the cafeteria of a white collar prison" "At the time, I was deeply involved with the handsome embezzler who led a major telecom company into bankruptcy" "When I laid eyes on Stanley all thoughts of other criminals were forgotten" "Stanley Walker was a great man" "A big man" "A fat man" "But he was also a kind man" "A family man" "A surprisingly good dancer" "There's something that you may not know about Stan" "He loved the ocean" "We'd sit on his boat for hours and, uh, he'd say "Will... the ocean is like the sea."" "He used to say that he wanted to come back as a whale...." "I never commented on that" "Whenever he stopped by my office he would always bring tulips" "I don't like tulips so I'd go down to the Korean market and exchange them for other flowers or a salad" "Or those little fig cookies that come three to a pack" "They're always up by the gum" "You know which ones I'm talking about?" "He was an accomplished Etch-a-Sketch artist" "I'd like to show you one he did for me" "I will always remember you Stanley Walker" "Always remember you, Stanley!" "Hey, where did it go?" "I'll miss his humor He loved a good knock-knock joke" "Whenever I saw him he always had a new one for me" "Well, today, I have one for you, Stan" "Knock, knock" "Knock." "Knock" "Who's there?" "Will" "Will who?" ""Will" miss ya, Stan" "And now, to say a few words is Stan's loving second wife, Karen Walker" "Two people are wearing your dress" "Most of you know about the recent trouble Stan and I have had" "Just in case you don't I'll get you up to speed" "The British whore killed him" "But the truth is we really did care about each other" "I guess what I'm trying to say is" "I want you all to leave so I can find out what's in his will" "I'm not kidding if you're not in the will, please exit" "The good people at Neutrogena have provided wonderful gift bags" "Please pick one up on your way out" "Leo, where were you?" "It was kind of an important phone call" "Doctors Without Borders" "They're opening a new clinic in Guatemala and they-- they want me to come help set it up" "Guatemala?" "You're going back to Africa?" "Yes, yes, and remind me to buy you an atlas" "I can't believe this You just got back, and now you're leaving again?" "Can I just say something" "No, how could you be so insensitive?" "I mean, you have no sensitivity You're like the opposite of sensitive" "And while I'm at the bookstore I'll pick up a thesaurus for you too" "I'm glad that this is funny to you." "Ha, ha, big joke" ""My wife's dumb." Ha, ha." ""I know more than one word that means insensitive." Whoo-hoo!" "Would you shut up, you freak?" "I want you to come with me!" "Oh." "Wait, are you really asking me or are you just asking 'cause I kinda yelled at you?" "I'm really asking you" "Baby, I want you to come" "This--this is what I do And--and you're... you're who I do" "I-I just wanna be able to do who I do, while I do what I do" "You do?" "I do" "Guatemala!" "I'm going to Spain!" "Oh, Gary, thanks so much I really appreciate it" "I hope I didn't pull you out of anything important" "Nah, I was just playing tennis with a few of the partners" "The partners play tennis?" "Yeah, every Sunday at the club" "You guys have a club?" "Come on, Will, I'm kidding" "You really think the whole firm gets together every Sunday to play tennis and laugh behind your back?" "No" "You go with that" "Oh, Kare." "I'm sure you don't have anything to worry about" "Stan sure loved ya He'll make sure you're taken care of" "I don't know, honey" "That Cockney sucker had some kind of power over him" "For all I know, she could've talked him into signing everything over to her and leaving me nothing" " Huh. 'Scuse me for a second..." " Okay" "Hi, Lorraine How you hanging in there?" "Well, it's tough, Jackie I mean, I've been touched by death, haven't I?" "I was also touched by Stan's nephew Filthy little rascal tried to bugger me in the rectory" "Well, you do have a very pretty rectory" "If everyone could please take their seats We'll get started" ""I, Stanley Evelyn walker being of sound mind do hereby bequeath the following" "My cured meat room and all the contents therein shall be divided as follows" "All hanging salamis and domestic hams will go to my son Mason for reasons that will be clear to him" "My prosciuttos, mortadellas and the best of my wursts... go to my beloved daughter, Olivia" "The entire contents of my jerky room..."" ""...shall be all chutneys Preserves and jams, including but not limited to, mustards shall go Rufus Huang of Empire Szechwan" "Thanks for the deliveries."" "What?" "!" "Ten trips a day and three back surgeries, all I get is mustard?" "!" "Thanks for nothing, fatso!" "All right. "Regarding my monetary assets..."" "I'm pulling for you, Kare" "Fingers crossed, Lorraine" ""First and foremost, for her years of undying love and loyalty" "I leave to my dear, dear maid, Rosario the sum of $10 million dollars."" "I'm free!" "I'm free from that evil witch" "I hope you rot and I hope it hurts" ""To be paid upon the completion of 20 more years of service to Karen Walker."" "Can I get you a soda?" "Maybe later." "Like in 2016" ""To someone whom my second wife, Karen always held in such regard and spoke of with great affection..."" "Oh, my God, that's me" ""Grape Antler."" ""I leave you my life-sized oil painting of Karen so you never have to be far from her."" "Oh, crap." "Maybe I can trade with that Chinese food guy" ""And to two of my favorite people whose commitment to each other has inspired me to look for love in my own life" "I leave the sum of $20,000" "Will Truman and Jack McFarland get married already" "" What?" "!" "What?" "!" "Did you just propose to me?" "!" "No!" "I was reading the thing" "I guess Stan thought you and I were a couple" "Kiss him!" "You gotta be kidding me This is ridiculous" "I know!" "Who can get married for 20 thou'?" "!" "My dress alone will cost 15!" "Continuing on" ""The remainder of my estate which includeses the entirety of my financial holdings all real estate and its contents will go to the true love of my life... the woman I was meant to be with..."" ""My wife, Karen."" "Ah, crikey!" "Oh, my God!" "Whoopee!" "Kare, I was pulling for ya the whole time" "You, me..." ""And finally, to Lorraine Finster--"" "What the hell's left?" "His right teste on a biscuit?" ""Lorraine, you always said you wanted nothing from me but affection" "So I leave to you... affection." "Ta."" "I was trapped under that fatty for two days" "I've got the word "Posturepedic"" "permanently imprinted in my spine and all I get is "ta"?" "!" "Well, I guess if you'd had ta-ta's you would've gotten everything" "$20,000 So generous of Stan" "I know." "But where did he ever get the idea we were a couple?" "Beats me Here, you got some schmutz" "Thank you" "Karen, I want you to take some time off" "I mean, I'm gonna be in Guatemala anyway" "You know, making the world a little better, gettin' a little color" "There's not gonna be a lotta time for tanning" "Yeah, we'll see" "Are you okay?" "What is it?" "My Stanley really loved me" "That's what all that money means, you know" "That's how you tell someone you love them" "Guys... thank you for being here today It really meant a lot" "Of course" "And Rosie" "Yes, mommy?" "Run ahead and make sure there's no dog poop around the limo then, get in and mix up a batch of pomegranate martinis" "I wanna toast the memory of my husband" "Come on, rapido domingo Ay-ay-ay-ay-ay!"