"(Horn Honking)" "I Honks I" " Morning, sir." " Drive over to the Swamp." "Yes, sir." " Radar!" " Gee, sir, why'd you run?" "I could've driven you." " Yeah, right." " I Honking I" "Pierce!" "McIntyre!" "Oh, hello, Henry." "SorryTrapper can't come out and play today... but he's being a bad boy and he won't stop sucking his socks." "Can it, will ya?" "Youjokers were supposed to be packed and ready at 0800." "I know, but Trapper refuses to get in the suitcase." " Come on, shakeyour tail!" " Not in front of Radar." "Hereyou go, caddy, put these in my car." "Hey, what'reyou taking these clubs for?" "I tried to get a couple ofnurses in, but theywouldn't fiit." "Look, you're supposed to be going toJapan to attend a surgical clinic." "They're expecting you to show up at Tokyo General Hospital." "Henry, I promiseyou we'll drive by the building." "On ourway to the golfcourse." "Be a sport, Henry, help us out." "We don't wanna wear ourselves out and disappoint the geishas." "How much doyou think we should tip him?" "Book says a quarter a bag." " All right, Radar, take us to the airport." " Yes, sir." "I Horn Honking I" "Where'd you learn to drive?" " The bumper cars." " Figures." "My kidneys' lawyer will call you in the morning." "Now, listen, you guys, you better check out that clinic... or somebody'll put my butt in a sling." " It'll improveyour posture." " I'm gonna miss you guys." " Don't blubber in front ofthe troops." " Bring me back something." "No chance." "We're gonna be careful." " Bye-bye, Radar." " Seeya, sirs." "Doyour homework." "I HelicopterWhirring I" " Okay, Radar, back to the compound." " Yes, sir!" "(Japanese)" "(Japanese)" " Should we try the bar?" " All right, but I can only stay three days." "Excuse us." "I Clears Throat I" "This place serve servicemen?" "Bartender." "What areyou drinking?" " I'd love a zombie." " Necrophiliac." " A zombie, please." " Yes, sir." " Keep making 'em until I turn into one." " I'll have a scotch and water." " Yes, sir." " I'll drink the scotch now and come by tomorrow for the water." " You look likeyou could use another drink." " You must be psychic." "No, actually I'm a physic." "I can predict all your future movements." " The same, please." " Yes, sir." "Vodka Gibson." " Me too." " You're having scotch." "You can't mix drinks." "Right." "Put 'em in separate glasses." "Major, I'mJohn McIntyre." "This is Hawkeye Pierce." "Is it all right foryou two to be in an offiicers' club?" "We're captains." "We tore our bars off when we went over the wall." "Anthony Borelli." "The rank is honorary." "I'm here as a civilian medical consultant." " Yeah?" "Where's home?" " San Francisco." "I loved a girl in San Francisco once." "No, twice." " Gentlemen." " Ah, here we are." " Happy days." " In the army?" "Don'tyou like soldier suits?" " Whooh!" "Our invitations to the clinic read "informal."" " You're doctors." " Surgeons." " I'm a gynecologist for the F.B.I." "You over here to tell us everything you know?" "Should take about ten minutes." "I'm looking forward to meeting you at the lectures." " You'll look backward to seeing us." " We're not coming." "We're over here for the girls." "We're gonna take a refresher course in getting our faces slapped." "There are some very fline doctors who've come a long way... to discuss some new surgical techniques." "We're from a MASH unit." "We work three, four miles from the front." " Meatball surgery." " Seven tables, no waiting." "Kids come in fresh from the fileid." "Wegetalotofbelly wounds, alotofdangling limbs." "Weget 'em ready for Tokyo fast." "Notmuch time fortechnique." "We're closing 'em up even before we can get our hands out." "Sounds challenging." "We're not there by choice." "We were snatched from our cradles by gypsies and sold to the army." " Ready for another?" " Oh, no, thanks, I'm fline." "Bartender, two more." "Ifyou're trying to get me drunk, it'll probablywork." " Ever been to Korea, Doctor?" " No." "Oh, you'd love it." "In addition to trauma surgery and wholesale amputation... we've got typhus, fiilariasis... encephalitis, typhoid, paratyphoid and cholera." "Korea's the Detroit ofbacteria." "We operate in the fiilth." " In the mud." " In the muck." " Muck and mud." " Who'll ever forget them?" " Gentlemen." " Arigato." "I'll tell you what, Doc." "You wanna really be useful over here?" "Stop hanging out in the cozy locker room in Tokyo." "Ifyou and your pals wanna really get in the game... come out toa MASHunit oranaidstation." " Come back to the front with us." " Or front to the backwith us." "No, thanks." "I saw my share ofthe front lines in World War I and II." "Fair enough." "To World War None." "Have a good stay, Doctor." "Getyour net." "We're starting a Madame Butterfly collection." " Radar, this is heaven." " Yes, sir." " You're a genius." " Ah, yes, sir." "Colonel Blake, you are not listening to me!" "Uh, you'll have to speak up, Frank." "I'm not listening toyou." " The water could bejust a titch warmer." " Oh, yes, sir." "Colonel, I have incontrovertible proof that Pierce and McIntyre... did not attend one single lecture the whole time theywere in Tokyo." "They spent the entire three days in the company ofgeisha girls... bargirls and female golfcaddies." "I ought to have them whipped, although they probably are." " Is that all you can say?" " Look, Frank, they didn't get arrested... and I count that for something." "Nowjust let me soak in this pool until I get nice and wrinkled, okay?" "Colonel, doyou not understand" "I Blows RaspberryI" " Oh, pooh, I forgot my sunglasses." " Take mine." "Degenerates!" "You peeked." "I believe that's the pool just ahead." "Right next to the outhouse." "All right, Henry, out ofthe pool." "I'm gonna do 35 laps." "We have to stay in shape in case we're drafted." "I Screams I" "Look out!" "Frank tells meyou guys didn't attend one lecture." " Couldn't, Henry." " We got sick and had to have round the clock nurses." " You characters." " Chopper." " Wounded?" " No announcement." "I'll be damned." "Who is that man?" "Don'tyou know?" "That's the Lone Ranger." "Sir." "Why don'tyou let me putyou up in the V.I.P. tent, Doctor?" "You'd be a whole lot more comfortable." "I've had enough ofthe locker room, Colonel." "I came to get into the game." "You couldn't have picked any place gamier." "You must be hungry afteryour trip." "We've got a very fline mess tent." "The tent is terrifiic." "The food puts you away." " Excuse me, sir." "I've laid outyour things." " Thankyou, Radar." " You're welcome, sir." " Radar, why don'tyou" "Yes, sir, I'll arrange a tour for Dr. Borelli right away." " I'd have bet anything thatyou wouldn't have come." " Won't they miss you in Tokyo?" "I'm a civilian." "They going to bust me from a Mister down to a Miss?" "So, this is Korea?" " You'll fiind it everything we said it wasn't." " It's cold, smelly and poor." " But it is unpleasant." " (Explosion)" " Artillery." " Ours?" " And theirs." " It's a set." "Great place for the doctor business." "Beginning oftheyear, over a two-month period... this unit treated almost 5,000 casualties." " That's incredible." " Well, I had help, ofcourse." "(Explosion)" "Colonel, we heard Dr. Borelli was with us." "Oh, Dr. Borelli, this is our chiefnurse, Major Margaret Houlihan." " Major." " Sir." " I Clears Throat I" " Oh, and that's Major Burns." " Major." " Honorary." "I'm a doctor, not really a major." "Perfect." "Frank's a major who's not really a doctor." " Pierce." "Just a little white truth." "What brings you to the 4077, Doctor?" "I couldn't get these two to listen to me lecture in Tokyo... so I came over here to bore them." " Oh, I'm sureyou'll be anything but boring." " Anything but." "Well, there's two "buts" who sayyou're wrong." "Hmm." "Feels like it's going to martini." " Great idea." " (Man On P.A.)Attention, allpersonnel." "Incoming wounded." "Bothshifts report to the O.R. on the double." "Let's go." " Well, yougothere justin time, Doctor." " Pretty exciting." "Let's hopeyou feel that way about nausea." "(Helicopter Whirring)" " Let me have some suction there, will ya, Gwen?" " Yes, sir." "Look at that." "Those are my sutures." "There and there." "This is the third time through here for this kid." "Must likeyourwork." "Come on, gimme a wipe, will ya?" "I'm sweating like a pig." " Thanks, sweetheart." " You're welcome, darling." "(Explosion)" " Artillery." " You've got noisy neighbors, Father." "Dress this for me." "This leg's badly crushed, and there's no way ofsaving it." " Give me a knife and have a saw ready." " Wait." "You don't have to amputate." " But the artery is crushed." " You can do an arterial transplant." "A new segment ofartery can be grafted in place ofthe damaged portion." "Dr. Borelli, whatyou're saying is new to us." "But then, uh, clean sheets would be new to us." "Well, the operation is similar to coarctation ofthe aorta... where the narrowed area was removed and the two ends sewn together." "Haveyou ever done this operation before, Doctor?" "Yes, and it works." "All you need is a section ofnew artery." "Ifwe haven't got one, we can call around to other outfiits." "I am sick to death of sending kids home in only one boot." "Ifyou're going to do it, you better move fast." "That leg's not gonna last more than another four or fiive hours." "Colonel, we've never tried this before." "Someone could get into trouble." "Radar!" "Come on, come on." "Hello, Charlie Company?" "Listen, it's me again." "I'm still looking for that piece ofartery." "Haveyou got any casualties?" "I am not a ghoul!" "I work in a hospital!" "I do!" "How'd ya like a specimen in your ear, fella?" "Hello, Able?" "Yeah, he's still holding." "Look" "I can't hearyou." "Boy, you got the war on loud there!" " I'm looking for" " Don't go away." " I Ringing I" "Wait a minute.Just hold on." "MASH 4077." "Oh, yeah, listen, I've been trying to getyou." "We've got less than four hours to perform an arterial transplant, and I need" " I Ringing I" " Hold on a second." "Hold on." "MASH 407-- You can?" "You have?" "You will?" "Forget it!" "Forget it!" "Shoot!" "What's the storywith those two?" " He's a creep." " She's a creepette." "They met in adjoiningjars in medical school." "Well, a person doesn't have to be an eye doctor to see what's going on here." "I don't know whatyou're talking about, Frank." "Keep drooling down your front, you'll have to changeyour bra." "Frank!" "I Sighs I" "(Explosion)" " Great coffee." " Drink between the grounds." "(Explosion)" "My money's on Radar." "I got it!" "A British outfiit's had heavy casualties." "They'll let us have one." " How far away are they?" " Sixteen miles up Broadway." " A couple, three hours there and back." " Let's go." "(Explosion)" " You all right?" " Go ahead." "I'll stay here... where it's safe." "Watch whereyou're going." " Oh, you're kidding." " Hey, would I kid you?" "Why didn'tyou think ofit before we left home?" "An artery, you say?" "From one ofmy dead lads?" "Yes, sir." " For transplanting into one ofyour live ones?" " Right." "Well, an incredible fuss forjust a leg, isn't it?" " Sureyou wouldn't like a splash?" " (Hawkeye)Uh, no, thankyou." "You know, my father lost both legs in the Great War." "Never missed them." "Said he lived years longer not having to tie his laces." "Sir, we're fiighting the clock a little bit on this one." " Ifyou'djust sign this release." " Oh, yes, yes." "Let me see it." "Oh, the shelling stopped." "Well, all good things must come to an end." "Yes." "quite." "Well, it all seems perfectly grisly... and quite correct." "Thankyou." " A British artery in an American leg, eh?" " That's right." "Probably develop an irresistible urge to drive on the left side ofthe road." "Yes, quite." "(DoorCloses)" " Get this to Major Houlihan." "Preparation for transplant." " Yes, sir." " Page Dr. Borelli to O.R." " Yes, sir." " This stuffing supply." "Did you get it?" " Sure did." "I had a date with some nurse tonight." "Find out who and tell her I can't make it." "It was me." " Radar, go get Borelli." " Oh, right." " I'm excited as hell about this." " Take it easy, will you?" "All we gotta do is assist." "Borelli's got the hard part." "(Man On P.A.)Dr. Borelli, pleasereport to the O.R. Dr. Borelli, immediately." " He's gonna love operating in our flea circus." " As long as he saves the leg." "He will." "It all feels right." "Then we can escort him back to Tokyo." "I met the most fantastic girl there." "You've been holdin' out on me." "When?" "Friday night." "I can't rememberwhich bathtub." "Hawkeye?" " Where's Borelli?" " He's in the Swamp." "You'd better come." "Doctor?" "The dance is starting." "We need you to stand your partner up." "Didn'tyou hear the page?" "You're not flit to operate." "I know." "We'll just tell the patient that his doctor is soused." "Hope he doesn't mind walking around for the rest ofhis life on a tree trunk." "You can do it, Pierce." "I've watched you work." "You can do it better than I can." "I've never done it before." "I've never even seen it done." "I'll be right behind ya." "That'll be a great comfort." " Cut it?" "Okay." " Yeah, go on." "Okay." "Now open the vascular clamp." " It's leaking at the upper suture line." " Put another stitch in." "Okay, cut it, hmm?" "Okay." "Give it a tie." "Cut." "All right." "Try it again." " Give it a cut." " Wait a second." " Okay." " All right." "It's holding now." "I Laughs I" "Look at that bugger!" " Pulse is good." "Foot's getting pink and warming up." " I Applause I" "Stick around, folks." "As an encore, I'm gonna sew Houlihan and Trapper together." "Good work, Doctors." "Thankyou, Doctor." "They couldn't have done it better atJohns Hopkins." " Wanna cut that?" " Mm-hmm." "Cut." "I Chattering I" "I Laughs I How 'bout some coffee?" "I'd like to filll a swimming' pool with it." " I'll catch up with you later." " Sure." "You did a goodjob, Doctor." "Somebody had to." " I didn't drink at all in World War I." " Was liquor invented then?" "In the Second War, I never drank until I was through working." "One for the road, Doc?" "Or two or three?" "Maybeyou'd like to take a few home in a doggy bag." "Please don't confuse my explanation for an apology." "The place got to me." "I wanted to get into the game, but I'd forgotten how rough the game can be." " Uh-huh." " Didn'tyou ever have that problem?" "Not toyour degree." "What's thatyour leaning on, a bubble gum machine?" "You have a great many gifts, Doctor." "It's a pityyou can't number compassion among them." "I'm suffering from the three sure signs ofage:" "bit ofa spread, gray hair... feet ofclay." "I wish you better luck on your third war." " Colonel." " Thanks foryour help, Major." " Major." " It's a privilege, sir." "Trapper, I'll seeya in Tokyo sometime." " I'll come to the lecture next time." " I Laughs I" " Maybeyou'll come back someday." " Oh, it's been a real pleasure." "Oh, it's been our pleasure." " Thanks for everything, Radar." " You're welcome, sir." "Have a good trip."