"Oh, Max, I just love surprise parties." "Me too, 99." "Boy, time really does fly." "Do you realize, 99, that Agent 54 will be 36 today?" "My gosh, it seems like only yesterday that 54 was 35." " What time's he coming, Max?" " In about an hour." "I told him to be here for a surprise party promptly at 8:00." "Hey, want to see the present I got for him?" " Oh, I'd love to." " It's a painting, 99." "Oh, Max, I didn't know you were painting." "Oh, yes, I do a lot of painting now." "The CONTROL psychiatrist said that it would be good therapy for me to counterbalance the violence and brutality in my work." "So I painted this picture of Agent 54 shooting and stabbing a KAOS man." " What do you think?" " Um... it's very interesting, Max." "It reminds me of Picasso." "Oh, that's too bad." "It's supposed to look like 54." " ( knock at door )" " Oh, that must be the Chief." "Oh, I'll check the birthday cake." "54, what are you doing here?" "It's early." "I'm sorry, Max." "They threw me out of a speeding car." "Take it easy, take it easy." "We're gonna have a good time anyway." "I've spoiled the whole surprise party." "You look terrible, 54." "I'd better get you a glass of punch." "I asked them to circle the block a couple of times, but they were in a hurry to get rid of me." "I'm sorry, Max." "The birthday boy shouldn't be the first to arrive." "I'll wait in the hall." "You don't have to do that, 54." "( gasps )" "Max!" "Who is it?" " 54." " What happened?" "He came early." "He's dead, Max." "What a rotten way to celebrate his birthday." "Look at that-- paint." " He's painted completely blue." " I thought he looked different." "That's probably how he died, Max-- suffocation by paint." "Well, we'd better go fill the Chief in." "Right, but we'd better make sure that nobody touches the body." "Don't worry, 99." "I'm way ahead of you." "There." "That should do it." "Come on." "( theme music playing )" "Now, think, Max-- did Agent 54 say anything before he died?" "Yes, Chief." "He apologized for being early." "No, I don't mean that." "Did he say anything about a Rembrandt von Bronzefinger?" " No, he didn't, Chief." " What case was Agent 54 working on?" " A KAOS art forgery ring." " Art forgery?" "Yes, we know that KAOS has been replacing famous works of art with clever but worthless copies and then selling the originals behind the Iron Curtain." "This is how they've been financing their operations lately." "Chief, would you mind moving your head to the left just a little bit?" "Ah, that's much better." "Now could you tilt it up a little bit?" "Good good." "Now just one more thing, Chief." "Could you take this off?" "My thumb is stuck." " Thank you, Chief." " Chief, do we have anything to go on?" "We have reason to believe that KAOS is operating right out of the museum." "Who is this Rembrandt von Bronzefinger?" "He's the KAOS agent who copies the masterpieces, then substitutes the copies for the real ones." "He's so good that only an expert could tell his work from the original." "Now we've got to get an agent inside the museum, find out who Bronzefinger is, and stop him." "I don't know why I let you convince me to pose for you." "Well, after all, Chief, you promised me a crack at this assignment." "Max, I told you before, it's not up to me to give you this assignment." "It's up to Mr. Van Cleff." "He's the head of the museum." "He's gonna pick the CONTROL agent who is the best artist." " For what, Chief?" " To go to work in the restoring room." "Bronzefinger could be one of the technicians working there." "Uh, Chief, I'm up to your mouth now." "You mind not moving your lips while you're talking?" "( clenched ) The better artist the agent is, the less likely he'll be suspicious." "( phone rings )" "( clenched ) Hello?" "Oh, good." "Thank you." "Mr. Van Cleff is arriving." "That's all right, Chief." "You don't have to talk like that anymore." " I'm finished." " Well, let's see it." "That's me?" "It doesn't even look like me." "That's because you moved your mouth." "Let's get to it, gentlemen." "I haven't much time." "All right, Mr. Van Cleff." "Now this was painted by Agent 22." " He calls it "Afternoon of a Giraffe."" " Very interesting." "Only I wouldn't call it "Afternoon of a Giraffe."" " What would you call it?" " Junk." "Uh, Mr. Van Cleff, how do you like this one over here?" "Don't you think it's got a lot of power and magnetism and emotional depth?" "Would you believe this painting has been compared to the works of Henri Matisse?" " No." " Would you believe Michelangelo?" "How about Charlton Heston?" "You have to excuse Agent 86." "He was very fond of Agent 54, and he's anxious for this assignment." " Chief, may I speak to you?" " Yes." "Excuse me." "I don't see what's wrong with it." "It's kind of pretty." "A lot of pretty colors-- red and black and green." "Uh, Mr. Van Cleff-- oh, sorry about that." "The paint's still wet." "Mr. Van Cleff, KAOS has just smuggled another masterpiece out of the museum." "There's no time to lose." "You've got to make your decision immediately!" " Is this a dangerous assignment?" " Oh, yes, indeed." "One false move and they'll eliminate our agent." "In that case I choose him." "Oh." "Very wise choice, Mr. Van Cleff." "Don't worry about a thing." "I'll catch the thief who stole those paintings or die in the attempt." "Can you do both?" "I'm sorry to take you out of class, Max, but a week of art instruction is all we can spare." "That's all right." "I learned an awful lot in that week." "I learned that if you put blue with yellow you get green, and if you put red with blue you get purple." " Very good, Max." " I had four hours of actual painting." "Four hours?" "How'd you spend the rest of the time?" "Washing." "Max, Mr. Van Cleff has arranged for 99 to be planted in the museum as a guide, and Carlson has devised some very unique art weapons for this mission." "Now what do these look like to you?" "They look like ordinary paintbrushes, Chief." "Two of them are, but watch this." "( gunshot )" "Hey, Chief, you painted a bull's-eye." "Now this may look like an ordinary art palette, but actually it's a bulletproof shield." "Go ahead, Max, try it." "Take a brush and shoot." "Are you kidding, Chief?" "I might kill you." "Just make sure you hit the palette." "Well, okay, Chief." "Are you ready?" "Ready." "Sorry about that, Chief." "Wrong brush." "Wrong brush." "Now, that's what I call the right brush." "Max, let's get back to the special equipment." "Now you see this tube of paint?" " Now you take it and squeeze it." " Right, Chief." "Oh, on second thought, I'll do it." "This one is Carlson's favorite." "Hey, that's great, Chief." "I never knew Carlson was once a juvenile delinquent." "Max, remember, the man you have to find is Rembrandt von Bronzefinger." "Whoever he is, he's working somewhere in the museum." "Don't worry, I'll find him." "I've got a score to settle with Bronzefinger." "If you settled with him half as well as you settled with me," "CONTROL will be well satisfied." "All right, Bronzefinger, drop the gun." "I'm a trained karate expert, and these hands are deadly weapons." " ( knock at door )" " Oh, excuse me." "Who is it?" "99:" "It's me, Max." " Give me the secret knock." " ( syncopated knocking )" " Password?" " Bismarck." " Countersign, Salt Lake City." " Can I come in now?" "Come on in, 99." "The door's open." " Hello, Max." " 99, what are you doing here?" "It's after 10:00." "Oh, I was restless and I thought I'd take a walk." "You should be careful." "It's not safe for a girl to be out after dark." "Oh, Max, I'm a big girl." "Oh, I'm sorry, Max." "That's all right." "I probably weakened him while I was practicing." "Max, I'm really worried about you going to work at the museum." "Worried?" "Why?" "Oh, I would just hate to have you end up painted blue." "Oh, there there, 99." "If you really feel that way about it, why, I'll pick orange." "How's that?" "It's just that sometimes I wish you were just an ordinary businessman." "Well, 99, we are what we are." "I'm a secret agent, trained to be cold, vicious and savage-- not enough to be a businessman." "Well, it's getting late." "I guess I'd better be going." "99, wait a minute." "I guess you're worried about KAOS." "Forget about KAOS." "I have a very strict landlady." "And now if you'd like to follow me," "I'm going to show you another masterpiece of the same period." "Actually, this painting is only on loan to the museum." "It's called "Young Girl at a Half-Open Door."" "And here we have one of the museum's proudest possessions," ""The Man in the Golden Helmet."" "Now if you'd like to step to the south corridor, we can continue there." "Emile, I should like to introduce you to your new associate, Mr. Maxwell Smart." "Mr. Smart, this is Emile, our specialist in the Renaissance period." "And this is Wolfgang, our specialist in the Medieval period." "Hmph." "And here we have Victoria, our specialist in the impressionistic period." "And what is your period, Mr. Smart?" "All periods." "I learned early in life not to play any favorites." "And, uh, here, Mr. Smart, is your work area." "You will restore this canvas." "As you can see, the paint is chipped in the corner." "Oh, it's a beautiful painting." "Who did it?" "Brach, of course." "So there's a chip off the old Brach, eh?" "Okay, let's get to it." "Good luck." "Uh, pardon me." "I wonder if you could tell me if there's a place to change." "Oh, certainly." "There's a utility closet right over there." "Thank you." "This is 86 calling CONTROL." "This is 86 calling CONTROL." "Come in, CONTROL." "Hello, Chief?" "This is Max." "I've made contact with the three suspects." "That's fine, Max." "Now listen," "I just remembered something that Agent 54 told me." "The night he was killed, one of those three asked him to stay late." "It could happen again, so be careful." "Don't worry about me, Chief." "I'll be my usual alert, intelligent self." "That's what worries me." "( French accent ) Mr. Smart, I hate to mention it, but you forgot to glue the tear in the canvas before you repainted the spot." "How do you like that?" "Now I'm gonna have to start all over again." "What a shame." "Why don't we stay late tonight?" "We can finish it before Van Cleff has a chance to see it." "( British accent ) Mr. Smart, do let me borrow your red." "Huh?" "Oh, yes, of course." "Here you are." "Thank you." "You know, I may have to stay a bit late this evening and finish things up." "You might stay with me, and perhaps we could have a spot of tea." "( German accent) Ach!" "This brush is like a club." "How do they expect me to stroke with it?" "Don't tell me, let me guess." "You want me to stay late tonight so you can borrow one of my brushes." "Of course not." "Who needs you to stay late for that?" "I borrow one of your brushes right now." "However I could use someone to help me refinish the frame." "If you could possibly stay a little later for that," "I would be very grateful." "Have you found out anything, Max?" "Yes, I've narrowed the three suspects down to three suspects." "Listen, Max, they're smuggling out another original tonight." " Agent 13 found out about it." " Where is Agent 13?" "He's in the Dutch section." "I've got to go before they get suspicious." " Hurry, Max-- the Dutch section." " Right." "Psst!" "13, is that you?" "I didn't recognize you with that fancy-looking helmet on." " Do I look very funny?" " No, matter of fact it looks nice." "You don't think it's too much, huh?" "Look, 13, I didn't come over here to talk to you about your helmet." "Now what have you found out?" "Shh!" " Bronzefinger stole another original." " When?" "A few minutes ago." "I was looking at that cute little Dutch girl over there." "I bent down to fix my knickers and when I came up she was gone." "What do you mean, she was gone?" "She's still there, 13." "That's not her." "That's a copy." "They can't fool me." "Where is that twinkle in her eye, that smile, and those cute little rosebud lips?" "13, you've been hanging on the wall too long." "You can't stare at a girl for two weeks and not get involved." "Forget her, 13." "It wouldn't have worked out anyway." "Now look, we've got to crack this case." "Can you describe Bronzefinger?" "No, I can't." "All I remember is the footsteps of the thief going toward the restoring room." "When I finished with my knickers, he was out of eyeshot." "What do you mean, out of eyeshot?" "I can see up and down the entire corridor." "Uh-huh, but you're not in a frame." "All I can do is this." "I'm not allowed to do this." "I'm not a Pop-Art painting, you know?" " ( bell rings )" " That's the museum's closing bell." "I've got to get out of here." "I've got an appointment in the restoring room." "You're not seeing my little Dutch girl, are you?" "Don't be ridiculous." "Of course not." "My date is with Bronzefinger." "( lock clicks )" "Emile." "So you're Bronzefinger." "Dead." "Well, that lets him out." "Now there's only Victoria and Wolfgang left." "Personally, it's my guess that it's Victoria." "Would you believe Wolfgang?" "Painted to death." "( gunshot )" "No, Mr. Smart, it was none of them." "You see, I am..." " Bronzethumb!" " Bronzefinger." "A thumb is also a finger." "Okay, so you're Bronzefinger." "What about them?" "They were KAOS agents too." "But they were going to sell out to you tonight." "However, all this information will do you no good." "You see, you'll never live to tell about it." "Wait a minute, Bronzefinger." "Where did you get that brush gun?" "It's a standard KAOS weapon." "Oh, really?" "Well, CONTROL happens to have a patent on the brush gun, and stealing a patent is a very serious offense in this country." "Sue me." " Goodbye, Mr. Smart." " ( clicks )" "Too bad, Bronzefinger, your brush is empty." "The tube sword too." "Can't you guys ever invent anything on your own?" "I'll tell you one thing-- KAOS is in for one big lawsuit." "We invented the tube sword first." "You stole it from us." "Swine!" "Copycat!" " What does KAOS get for one of these?" " $50 apiece." "Is that wholesale or retail?" "99, I have a feeling Bronzefinger is up to something." "I hope I'm not out of line, Bronzefinger, but just what do you think you're doing?" "You're both about to be bronzed." "Okay." "Bronzed!" "?" " All of us?" " All of you." "Oh." "I don't suppose you'd settle for just our baby shoes?" "No, I wouldn't." "This is a timer, Mr. Smart." "It controls the position of the crucible." "Now after three minutes, the molten metal will turn you into an admirable pair of bookends." "Let the girl go, Bronzefinger." "She doesn't know anything." " Max!" " I didn't mean it that way, 99." " Goodbye, Mr. Smart." " ( ticking )" "I'll be back in three minutes, after it's all over." "You see, I cannot bear to hear a woman crying." "How do you feel about a man screaming?" "Goodbye, Mr. Smart." " Max, we've got to call CONTROL." " Don't be silly, 99." " He won't give us a phone." " Your shoe phone, Max." "Oh, of course." "I forgot." "Here." " Just kick it off with your foot." " I've got it!" " Good good good." " Here, I'll hold it and you dial." "It's the wrong shoe, 99." " 99:" "Now we've got it." " Pick it up with your leg." "Oh, I've got it!" "Good girl, 99." "Don't drop it, now." " There we go." " Oh, good." " Turn it around, let me dial." " Okay." " Hurry, Max, hurry!" " Believe me, 99, I'm not stalling." "Hello, this is 86 calling CONTROL." "This is 86 calling CONTROL." "Hello, Chief, this is Max." "Get this and get this carefully:" "99 and I are in a tub, and we're about to be bronzed to death." "What?" "Well, isn't this 555-3743?" "Oh, sorry." "Wrong number." "Now I know I dialed the right number." "That really burns me up." " ( muttering )" " What are you doing?" " I'm dialing again, 99." " Oh, Max, there's no time!" "There's only one minute left!" "Well, I guess this is it, 99." "Oh, no!" "Max!" "My razor ring!" "I forgot it!" " We can't go home for it now." " No, I forgot I had it." "Here, quick, pull that out with your fingernail." "Hurry!" " That's a stainless-steel blade." " Oh, really?" "How many ropes can you cut before changing blades?" "I don't know." "I just got it." "Max!" "Look at the time!" "Hurry, 99." "It's almost through." " Five seconds." " No!" "Max, it's spilling!" "Max!" "( grunts )" "( screams )" "Oh, Max, how terrible." "Terrible for him, not for us." "I wonder what Bronzefinger would have done with us, Max." "Well, he probably would have sold us to some public park." "Just think of it, 99-- there we would have been, two bronze statues giving pleasure to thousands." " Thousands of art lovers?" " No, thousands of pigeons." "You two have managed to deliver a real setback to KAOS." "I don't think I have to tell you how much this means to us." " Tell us anyway, Chief." " With Bronzefinger out of the way," "KAOS will have to find a new method of getting money for their operations." " Like what, Chief?" " I imagine they'll go back to bank robbery, extortion and kidnapping." "It'll be nice to have things back to normal again." "Oh, Chief, we found these paintings in Bronzefinger's office." " Are they originals or copies?" " We don't know." "Put them in the wall safe." "We'll hold them for the museum authorities." "Right, Chief." "What's 13 doing in there?" "The Chief said I'd been out on field trips too long, so he gave me this nice soft office job." "It's awfully small." "Tell me, 13, how did you get in there?" "The Chief gave me the combination." "( theme music playing )"