"( train whistle blows )" "Easy now." "Hold it..." "Here it comes." "( whistle blows )" "On the count of three-- one, two, three!" "( shouting )" "Hey, that was a lulu!" "Oh, very nice, indeed." "Oh, great timing, Newkirk." "You did very well, Newkirk." "Thank you very much, chaps." "For my next number, I shall do a request explosion." "Did you see it go off?" "Come on, come on." "Let's get out of here." "Right, right, let's go." "Hey, Carter, which way back to camp?" "Well, I don't know." "What?" "!" "I beg your pardon?" "Well, I was afraid to tell you guys." "I don't know where we are." "I guess I must have dropped the compass." "How stupid can you get?" "You ruddy fool!" "Not very bright." "Well, if I had any brains, would I be a prisoner of war?" "How do we get back to camp?" "Maybe we could ask somebody?" "Who do we ask, a German soldier or...?" "All right, all right." "Take it easy." "Hold it!" "Let's not lose our heads." "Look, I'll go climb a tree up topside, take a look around, see if I can get a fix on our position." "I'll go with you, Kinch." "Carter!" "Hey, stay here." "You'll end up breaking his leg." "I'm sorry, fellas." "Ah, forget it." "We'll make out somehow." "Well, I don't know why they ever drafted me." "I don't know anything about war." "...and if I hadn't been up in the tree, they'd have grabbed me, too." "That's a break, anyway." "By now, the Gestapo's got the boys." "Yeah, that's swell." "Well, at least they got their fake dog tags." "Yeah, and the detonators and the walkie-talkie and a few extra sticks of dynamite." "It's a cinch the krauts won't think they were selling magazine subscriptions." "We gotta spring 'em, Colonel." "First thing we got to do is find out where they've taken the boys." "Look, tomorrow I'll keep Klink busy." "Tap into his phone and call Gestapo headquarters in Gluckenheim." "Call the Gestapo?" "Tell 'em you're a general" "General..." "Kinchmeyer, Gestapo Headquarters, Berlin." "Push 'em around." "You know the bit." "Sure." "( in German accent ):" "Hello." "This is General Kinchmeyer speaking." "Why have you not reported the three men you had captured?" "Where are they?" "Schnell!" "That's very convincing." "You know, I'm not so sure about you." "So..." "You are Antonio Calvelli, hmm?" "Yes, sir." "That's funny." "You don't look like a Calvelli." "Well, I've always been fond of pizza." "Pizza?" "You are a liar!" "Antipasto?" "Shut up." "And you... little one... you are... "Jock McPherson"?" "Yes, sir." "Hoot mon." "Obviously, a Frenchman." "On my mother's side." "We'll see." "And you... you are Heinrich Hilgenbecker?" "That's right, sir." "Or jawohl, if you prefer." "A very German name wearing a very British uniform." "Yes, sir." "Hands across the sea and all that." "So, the faces don't match the names, the names don't match the accents, and the uniforms don't match anything at all." "It is a bit of a mess, ain't it, sir?" "Quiet." "I could have the three of you shot for spies and saboteurs right now." "Begging your pardon, sir, but we were captured in uniform." "We have identified ourselves;" "name, rank and serial number." "And according to the Geneva Convention," "I could..." "I am not interested." "We will find out all about you in our own way, soon enough, I assure you." "Sergeant?" "Take them to Stalag Four until I communicate with Berlin." "You will be kept in solitary confinement pending the disposition of your case." "Sir?" "Ja?" "What is it, Calvelli?" "I suppose it wouldn't do any good to ask for the American Consul?" "Good luck, General Kinchmeyer." "Now, let me understand this, Hogan." "Your men are volunteering?" "Yes, sir." "They'll help with camp maintenance, if you'll allow us to ask the Red Cross for movies to be shown in the Rec Hall." "They want to work?" "War does strange things to people." "What do you say, Colonel?" "Movies, huh?" "I'll have to call Berlin and ask policy on this matter." "A man like you has to telephone?" "There are rules, you know." "For the commandant of the toughest POW camp in Germany?" "I thought you made your own rules." "Well, I make a few and Berlin makes a few." "That way we get a nice assortment." "Hogan, there is something behind this request." "Oh, Colonel, I assure you..." "Wait." "Wait, wait, wait." "Your men are working already." "Of course." "They're doing their best to beautify the old alma mater." "But I haven't agreed to your proposal yet." "Let's just say it's an act of faith..." "in our commandant." "You trust me that much?" "Oh, please, don't embarrass me by asking emotional questions." "I understand." "I knew you would." "In view of your expression of confidence," "I will settle the matter at once in your favor." "Hello, get me Berli..." "Hello?" "Who's on the line?" "General Kinchmeyer?" "!" "Uh, were you calling me, sir?" "Who am I?" "I am Colonel Wilhelm Klink, Stalag 13, at your service, sir." "Oh, you weren't?" "Oh, I'm sorry, sir." "The lines must be crossed." "I'll get off at once." "Yes, sir." "Wh-wh-what's that?" "Yes, Heil Hitler." "General Kinchmeyer..." "I don't know any General Kinchmeyer." "I..." "Hogan, what's the matter with you?" "You don't look well at all." "It's the old ticker." "Skips a beat once in awhile." "Twelve." "It can't be." "Three men missing?" "( gasps ):" "I have to count again." "Eins, zwei, drei..." "Forget it, Schultz, there are three men missing." "And Klink will be here in a minute." "I wish there would be four missing." "Why four?" "Including me." "Oh, I have to report this at once." "He'll blame you." "You're in charge." "I can explain the three men, Schultz." "Report everyone present." "Tell the commandant a lie?" "Of course." "Why don't I ever think of those things?" "They are in Stalag Four now?" "Mm-hmm." "That's right." "Why did they leave?" "I thought they were happy here." "Was there something I said?" "No, no, they got restless and decided to take a walk, and the Gestapo grabbed them." "The Gestapo!" "Mm-hmm." "That's the situation." "I'll report this to Commandant Klink, and he will get them back." "You mean, before they talk?" "Yes, before they talk." "Talk about what?" "You see, that's the problem." "The boys are sure to be questioned." "They'll talk about Stalag 13, and they'll mention you." "So?" "Well, I mean, what if you do take an occasional bribe of cigarettes?" "Or give a little information in exchange for a few candy bars?" "Or lie to Klink, your superior officer?" "That was your idea." "In this world, you want to be Mr. Nice Guy, you have to pay the price." "They could send me to the Russian Front." "Or shoot you." "Or both." "That's impossible." "You can't shoot a man and send him to the Russian Front." "No, they could do it." "Eh, I'm sorry, Schultz." "Sorry don't help." "We have to get them back before they talk about me." "Please, Colonel Hogan, do something." "All right, there's only one thing to do." "An officer from Stalag 13 has to go to Stalag Four and get the boys." "Why, that is a brilliant idea, Colonel." "Thank you, Kinch." "Fine, but who is the officer?" "Who can we trust?" "You." "Me?" "You." "You are both nuts." "Me, an officer?" "Come on, Schultz!" "Nobody at Stalag Four knows what Klink looks like." "We'll make you a beautiful uniform." "You simply walk right in and demand the three prisoners." "I cannot pose as an officer." "Forget it." "We have to think of something else." "Eh, not we-- you." "That's right, Schultz." "It's your funeral." "Ooh!" "I wish you hadn't put it that way." "Oh, I'm sorry, Schultz." "No, I cannot do it." "That's final." "Pose as an officer!" "Well, so much for that idea." "Kinch, my boy, sometimes you've got to have confidence." "Five, four, three, two, one..." "Oh, Colonel Hogan!" "Achtung!" "At your service, Commandant Klink!" "Neck... 19 and a half." "Neck... 19 and a half." "Boy... this one may have to be continued on the next tape measure." "You call yourself a tailor." "( chuckles )" "Don't do that." "Waist: 52." "Waist: 52." "Sure that's not wrapped around both of you?" "( chuckling ):" "Very funny." "Don't forget the hips and chest measurements." "The same as my waist." "Well, saves time." "No, Colonel Hogan, no, I cannot go through with it." "All right, Schultz." "We leave the boys at Stalag Four, and the Gestapo questions them." "For you, that's the fastest way to the Russian Front!" "I'm sorry, Colonel Hogan, but I-I haven't got the courage." "No guts, Schultz?" "That I never had, I'm sorry." "I'm afraid we lost him." "Maybe." "Maybe." "Look, we don't have any choice in the matter." "We've got a good organization." "LeBeau, Carter and Newkirk, they're a part of it." "Without them, we fold up." "You don't have to sell me." "What about Schultz?" "All right, tomorrow we put the pressure on him." "How much material will you need to make him a uniform?" "Well, let's put it this way:" "How many inches in an acre?" "Kind of cold, huh, Schultz?" "Ja, very cold." "Care for a cigarette?" "Oh." "Well, thank you..." "Well, here, here, keep the whole pack." "No, no, no, no, I can't." "No, no, no, no, no, no..." "Here." "Oh, come on, Schultz..." "It's against regulations." "Keep the whole pack." "Please, I..." "Ah, come on." "Thank you." "SCHULTZ:" "Thank you." "Hey, Schultzie, here's that can of sardines" "I promised you, old buddy." "Sardines?" "Yeah." "Oh, no, I c-can't..." "Oh, come on." "Here, go on, take them, here." "And I'll bring you the chocolate bars as soon as I get my Red Cross package." "Chocolate!" "Ja!" "Please!" "I like choc..." "Uh-huh, uh-huh." "Cigarettes?" "Sardines?" "Chocolate bars?" "You live better than Goring, and you're twice as big." "Yes, Herr Kommandant, but..." "It is against regulations to fraternize with the prisoners or take things from them for any reason whatsoever." "Yes..." "Put yourself on report." "What happened?" "Fraternizing-- you heard what he said." "Oh, that's nothing." "He'll give me some extra duty, and then the whole thing is forgotten." "I don't think so, Schultz." "It becomes part of your record, and when the Gestapo adds that to what the boys tell them... ( whistles )" "I was standing here minding my own business..." "Here he comes." "All right, start the hat." "Now, remember how much you put in so you can get it back." "All right, fellas, let's all give." "Remember, it's for a good cause." "Dig, dig, come on!" "Try to forget that the man we're collecting for wears a German uniform." "He's been more than an enemy to us." "Oh, hi, Schultz." "Wha-What is this for?" "Oh, this?" "Oh, we're collecting for somebody's widow." "I mean, wife!" "You said widow." "Well, she's not a widow yet." "We just want to be ready in case." "Aw, this is nice." "You all got it right in here." "Thanks, Schultz." "Wife?" "Widow?" "Just in case?" "Just in case it is me." "All right." "Back with the money." "Back, back, back, back, back, back with the money." "Back with the money..." "All set?" "Let's try it." "Now, remember, I'm your captain." "Kinch is Major Bernsdorf, Kommandant of Stalag 4." "All set?" "Here we go." "Achtung!" "Colonel Klink!" "Ah, Colonel Klink, welcome to Stalag 4." "Heil Hitler!" "Morning, Major." "Nice to meet you." "No, no, Schultz, that's all wrong." "Listen, to be a German officer, you have to be mean and nasty and-and arrogant." "Right." "Arrogance is what makes a German officer." "L-Let's do it again." "Please, quickly." "All right." "Look, look, look." "Maybe with a riding crop." "That's what Klink has, huh?" "Stand over there, watch me do it." "Major Bernsdorf, you are holding three of my prisoners." "I demand their release at once!" "KINCH:" "Sir, without proper authority," "I must deny your request." "You dare to deny my request?" "I shall have you court-martialed!" "Jawohl!" "Okay?" "Ja, ja." "Let's try it." "From the top." "Achtung!" "Colonel Klink!" "Major Bernsdorf, you have three of my prisoners." "I demand that you release them at once!" "( groaning ):" "Ooh... ooh..." "I hurt myself." "Come on, Schultz, concentrate, will you?" "Major Bernsdorf, you have three of my prisoners." "I demand that you release them at once!" "Sir, I deny that request." "Okay." "If you say no, then it is no." "Major Bernsdorf, I demand that you release..." "Schultz, Schultz." "I'm over here." "I can't help it." "I-I..." "I can't see through." "Schultz, open the other eye." "( monocle shatters )" "Attention!" "I am Colonel Klink." "I want you to stand at attention when I talk to you, or I send you to the Russian Front." "Do you understand?" "!" "I tell you and you and you and..." "Ooh, and you, too." "Achtung!" "Attention!" "You understand if I talk to you attention?" "Oh, my goodness." "( snapping riding crop )" "Attention!" "All set." "I fixed the back window in Klink's office." "You'll be able to open it tonight." "Good." "Now, remember, give us a two-hour start." "When the boys in the barracks start the diversion, you get into Klink's office and make the call." "Don't worry, I'll be there." "Did you talk to Schultz?" "Yeah, he'll have a truck out of the motor pool." "He'll meet you there right after dark." "Fine." "Then we'll be off and running." "Sure hope this works." "If it doesn't, I'll just keep right on running." "Achtung!" "Colonel Klink!" "Hei..." "Hei..." "Colonel Klink, Heil Hitler." "It's a pleasure." "We're honored." "Y-You-You are?" "( muttering )" "Naturally!" "( chuckles )" "Can't get any decent monocles nowadays." "May I offer you some refreshment?" "Ja." "How about a little sandwich, some liverwurst with a little bratwurst on the side." "Colonel, may I remind you, our time is limited." "Yes, uh, of course." "Thank you, Colonel." "Colonel?" "Oh, uh, he wants to be one." "( laughs )" "Makes him happy." "( laughing )" "( chuckles ):" "I see." "Prosit...!" "Prosit!" "Now, what can I do for you?" "You have three of my prisoners." "I would like you to release them at once." "Captain, give him their names." "Jawohl, Kommandant." "Antonio Calvelli, Jock McPherson," "Heinrich Hilgenbecker." "But these men were brought here by the Gestapo." "I don't care about the Gestapo." "It's very brave of you to say that." "( quietly ):" "Maybe I'm too brave." "I don't seem to have any written authority to release the men." "Written authority?" "!" "( quietly ):" "Nobody told me anything about that." "Commandant, it's hard to believe your word is not enough." "I know what you mean." "( quietly ):" "I wish I didn't, but I do." "I demand that you release the three prisoners at once!" "I must deny your request." "Is that so?" "!" "Well... if you say no, then it's no." "Let's go." "Uh, sir, may I remind you that, uh... ( phone rings )" "Major Bernsdorf." "Who?" "( German accent ):" "Kinchmeyer." "General Kinchmeyer, Gestapo." "Has, uh, Colonel Klink arrived yet?" "Yes, he's here now." "Good." "You will release the three prisoners to him" "Calvelli, McPherson und Hilgenbecker." "But, General Kinchmeyer," "I have no written authority to release these men." "You dare to question the word of a Gestapo General?" "Release the three prisoners at once, or you will suffer the consequences." "Heil Hitler!" "Heil Hitler, General." "I have received orders to deliver these men to you." "I will do so at once." "I'm glad you see it my way." "( quietly ):" "Oh, boy, am I glad." "Halt!" "( speaking German )" "Here are your three prisoners." "Danke." "Put the prisoners into the truck at once." "Jawohl, Herr Colonel." "Inside!" "Hey, look-- isn't that that terrible Colonel Schultz from Stalag 13?" "No, that's the terrible Colonel Klink from Stalag 13." "Don't send us back there, sir, please." "No, it's inhuman." "We were happy here." "We even had a tunnel started." "All right, raus!" "Inside the truck!" "You heard the order!" "Back, back, back, back, back, back!" "Back, back, back, back, back, back!" "There you are, sir." "( Hogan speaking German )" "Three prisoners." "Very good." "If you don't mind my saying so, it's a highly irregular way of conducting military business." "Who do you think you're talking to?" "But..." "I will tell you who you are talking to." "I am the famous Colonel Klink!" "The Iron Colonel." "( quietly ):" "Now he comes to life." "Arrest this man." "But, sir..." "Have him shot and sent to the Russian Front." "And believe me, I can do it." "SCHULTZ:" "And what is more..." "Uh, sir, Sergeant Schultz is waiting for you." "...I am a very big man with Sergeant..." "Schultz?" "Auf Wiedersehen." "Auf Wiedersehen, Colonel." "You, uh, must come to visit us sometime." "Hey, Schultz, you were terrific." "Yeah, you really told that major;" "send him to the Russian Front." "You gave him what for, right and proper." "Hey, Schultzy, where did you get the...?" "Hey, Schultz, what's the matter?" "Colonel, he's fainted." "Blimey, so he has." "There's one thing in our favor-- he was sitting down when it happened." "I told you, sir, that they are not here." "Calvelli, McPherson und Hilgenbecker." "KLINK:" "There has never been an escape from Stalag 13." "Then I suggest that someone is making a fool of you, Colonel." "Impossible." "What's done is done." "The fact remains that an officer calling himself Colonel Klink came to Stalag 4 and took those men." "Now, I was here all last night in my quarters listening to the BBC." "I mean, the BBC Symphony." "I have them on records." "( chuckles )" "The man was over six feet tall, weighed 300 pounds, with very... military bearing." "Well, that certainly is not me." "And we have no such officer in our camp." "Very well." "But I assure you, the investigation will be continued." "The nerve of him!" "You know, sir, the description he gave fits Schultz." "Coming here and..." "Schultz?" "Our Schultz, an officer?" "( chuckles )" "That's ridiculous." "Schultz an officer." "( chuckling )" "Colonel Hogan, what happened?" "They're looking for a man, Schultz, over six feet tall, weight 300." "Do you think there's a chance they might find him?" "No, but just to be on the safe side, why don't you go on a diet?" "Colonel." "All right, men, fall out." ""(End of Episode)""