"BALKl:" "All right, cousin." "Cover your eyes, I have a surprise for you." "You know I don't like surprises unless I know what they are." "What is it?" " Cousin, if I tell you, it won't be a surprise..." "Balki." " Okay, I give you a hint." "It's bright green, it hangs from a tree and it's 24 feet long." "Bright green, hangs from a tree and it's 24 feet long." "Oh!" "It's a dog." "It certainly is." "My hint threw you off, huh?" " Yes, way off." "Isn't he great?" " Yes." "His name is Suprides." " Suprides?" "Very good." " Oh." "Well, that's a very pretty name." "What does it mean?" "It means dog." "It means dog?" "Well, of course it does." "Don't be ridiculous." "What did you think I'd call him, table?" "Well, he's a very cute dog." "Who does he belong to?" "Cousin, that's the great part." "He belong to us." "Now I am so happy, I do the Dance of Joy." "Balki, did I miss something?" "When I left this morning, I didn't own half a dog." "Well, you're a richer man today." "You're gonna love this." "The other day, I am on my lunch hour taking a walk and I see this little dog taking a walk." "It must have been his lunch hour too." "So I wanted to have lunch with him." "You want the spaghetti or the meat loaf?" " Meat loaf." "I want the meat loaf." "All right, I'll have the spaghetti." " Okay." "Anyway before I could ask him to lunch a man comes up in a prison truck and jumps out and arrests him." "Don't tell me." "You followed them to the pound." "Did I tell you this story?" "No, no, you didn't." " Well, I didn't think so." "So, well, I followed them to the dog prison." "And they tell me that if nobody comes to claim him, that he could be ours." "So today, I went back and nobody claim him, and they give him to me." "Isn't that wonderful?" "And so now he's ours and he comes to live here with us." "And we, we take him to the park." " Wait." "And we teach him to fetch and catch." " No, wait, wait." "And we teach him to save children from the burning building just like Loussie." "Lassie." "Let's go back to that part where he's going to live here with us." "He's a very nice dog, but, Balki, I don't see how we can keep him." "Don't..." "Don't talk like that in front of him." "You'll hurt his little feelings." "Uh, excuse us, Suprides." "BALKl:" "Now, wait there, Suprides." "Bad pup." " Balki, Balki." "Balki, Balki, Balki." "Have you given any thought at all to what's involved in having a dog?" "Well, of course I have." "Don't be ridiculous." "Balki, we don't even know if he's housebroken." "Ah, I can train him." "I'm good at that." "I'm a sheepherder." "Of course, you can't train a sheep." "They're dumb as a rock." "We're both ignoring the biggest problem." "We can't keep Suprides because our lease forbids us to have pets." "Get out of the city." " Yes." "How could anyone not allow animals?" "Balki, Twinkacetti evicted the last tenants for having pets." "Do you want that to happen to us?" "No, but, cousin, don't make me take him back." "I had..." "When I was a little boy, I have a dog on Mypos called Couscous." "And he grows up with me and he tends sheep with me." "And before you, he was my best friend." "And when I came to America, I have to leave him behind." "And now I have a dog again." "Well, Balki, I know how you feel." "I had a dog back in Madison." "Spot." "I named him myself." "Yeah, he showed up on our front door one winter half frozen, the poor little fella." "We thawed him out, nursed him back to health." "I taught him to bring me the paper." "Spot was smart as a whip." "Well, my little puppy dog Couscous was smart as two whips." "In the morning, he use to bring me my sandals." "When Spot fetched the paper, he used to bring us each the section we wanted." "When we wanted news Couscous used to drag home the village gossip." "Spot could read the paper." "Couscous could play the mandolin." "Spot did my taxes." "Bullwinkle." " All right." "He didn't do my taxes, but he was one of the all-time great dogs." "Oh, cousin." " I miss him." "Cousin, wouldn't it be great to have a dog again?" "Yes, you like that, don't you?" "Yes, you do." "Yes." "Yes, yes." "No." "No, no, no." "The bottom line is, our lease forbids it." "We'll have to take him back." "But, cousin, the man at the dog prison says that the dogs that nobody wants are put to sleep." "And if we take him back, this dog is a dead duck." "Yeah maybe we could work it out." "And Twinkacetti is not that hard to fool." " Well, you got that right." "He hired us." "All right, if we're gonna break the rules, we have to do it right." "We'll have to work the dog's schedule around Twinkacetti's." "Make sure there's no telltale doggy signs around the apartment." "Yeah, yeah." "I think we could do it." "What do you think?" "I think we can do it." "What do you think?" "He's thinking it over." "He says he thinks we can do it." "What's he say now?" " How should I know?" "He's a dog." "Okay, Suprides." "Snack time, buddy." "Here we go." "I got your favorite." "Sour cream and onion, huh?" "You like one of these?" "What do you say?" "Yes, good doggy." "Don't tell Balki I give you these." "Cousin, Mr. Twinkacetti's coming." "All right, all right." "Don't panic." "Code red." "Dust sucker!" "Dust sucker." "Come on, come on, come on." "Here we go, here we go." "Come on, here we go." "Uh-oh." "TWINKACETTl:" "All right, tenants, listen up!" "Here's the new light bulb for the hall." "Try to make this one last." "I don't know if we can pull this off." "Sooner or later, we're gonna get caught." " Cousin, relax." "If we're careful, Mr. Twinkacetti never find Suprides." "Come on, Suprides." "Something will go wrong." "Something always goes wrong when I break rules." "We won't get caught." "You are a great planner." "I am?" " You are." "Your code red was brilliant." "Yeah, it was pretty good, wasn't it?" " Yes." "Yeah, well, I'm not worried about us." "I mean, we're dealing with a dog here." "He could make a mistake." "Oh, no." "Not Suprides." "This is the smartest dog in America." "Okay, Suprides, let's go show Cousin Larry what you learned in only one week." "Come on, come on." "Sit, sit." "Okay." "Now we are so happy, we do the Dance of Joy." "Good boy." "He's a smart dog." "You see?" "There's nothing to worry about." "Between the three of us, we can pull this off." "This whole thing makes me very nervous." "But when you're not being nervous, don't you just love Suprides?" "See?" "He says he loves you too." "Oh, now you can understand him?" " When he barks clearly." "Oh, oh." "Well, he is a wonderful dog." "He's worth a little inconvenience." "Now, that's the spirit of '76." "We'll just do what mankind has done for centuries when faced with a challenge." "We'll adapt." "In a week, this will all seem second nature." "In a month, it would be third nature." "Balki, let's take our dog for a walk." "In the fresh air." " Proudly." "With dignity." " Let's go." "Now, remember, when we get to the corner you and Suprides get in the dumpster and I'll push you to the park." "Baby." "Puppy." "Yeah, he wants to go for his walk, doesn't he?" "Yes." "All right, you deadbeats, open up." "BALKl:" "Come on, Suprides." "Mr. Twinkacetti, what brings you up here?" "You owe me rent." "Open up." "He came for the rent." "Didn't you pay it?" "You pay the rent." " I gave you the check." "No, you didn't." "TWINKACETTl:" "I'm getting ticked off out here." "Okay, I'm writing the check right now." "Just a slight oversight." "Now, that's two T's in Twinkacetti, isn't it?" "Okay, here we go." "Here's the check." "I'm sorry I can't ask you in." "I'm contagious." "I have rickets." "What you got is a dog in here." "I heard it." "We don't have a dog." "That's against our leash." "Lease." "Then what are you doing with this?" " That's mine." "Yours?" "You eat that?" "Oh, yes." "Very nutritious." "No additives, no preservatives." "Chock-full of vitamins." "Yes." "You should eat this well." "Why don't you have a snack right now?" "Mmm." "This is delicious." "And if you're a gravy lover, you just add water." "Mr. Twinkacetti, you catch me unawares." "Cousin, guests?" "Why you didn't tell me?" "I was just telling Mr. Twinkacetti about our nutrition program." "Balki turned me on to this." "What?" " I'm just explaining to Mr. Twinkacetti why we have dog food in the house but no dog." "See?" "Yes." "Would you care to join us for dinner?" "It's nothing fancy." "Aha!" "Dog hair." " Dog hair?" "Balki, he thinks that's dog hair." "We were entertaining a couple of young ladies last night." "They shed." "Norwegian." "Oh, please." "What's in the bedroom?" " Nothing." "My girlfriend." " Nothing but his girlfriend." "Inga." "Mr. Twinkacetti, you have no right to invade our privacy." "You can't just barge in here and search our apartment." "I have every right." "I'm the landlord." "We're the tenants." "We have..." "On the other hand, why beat a dead dog?" "Search to your heart's contempt." " Be our guest." "Why did you make me eat dog food?" "I had to." "Why are you wearing my clothes?" "Don't change the subject." " Why are you wearing my clothes?" "Hi." " Hi." "Your girlfriend seems to have disappeared." "Well, she's very shy." "She probably jumped out the window." "Guys, guys, I know you got a dog in here." "When I find it, you either get it out of here or you're out of here." "Seems fair." "Thank you so much for dropping by." "How did Suprides get out of the bedroom?" " Well, he opened the door." "But I know that." "How did he open the door?" "I taught him how to do it with his teeth." "Well, unless you taught him how to hail a cab, I suggest we go get him." "Get rid of Inga." "Don't worry, Suprides." "I don't let Mr. Twinkacetti take you away." "I'll think of something." "Do you have any ideas?" "Me neither." "Balki, how you doing?" "Cousin, I can't talk right now." "I have to think of a way to keep Suprides." "Balki, Mr. Twinkacetti said Suprides had to be out by today." "Cousin, we have till midnight." "Well, I think I came up with something." "I went to an organization that finds homes for animals." "Cousin, I told you, I don't want you to do that." "Well, I think I found the right family for Suprides." "You'll like the Coopers." "Cousin, how can you think of sending Suprides to a family you don't even know?" "I've talked to the Coopers for a long time." "They took me out to their place." "It's a farm with trees and meadows and a brook and they've got two kids who are just dying for a dog." "And they're right downstairs." "Why don't you just meet them?" "No, I don't want to meet them." "Balki, I don't think living in an apartment is good for Suprides." "He's cooped up all day." "He can't get out." "He can't meet other dogs." "He can't date." "But we don't date and we're okay." "No?" "Balki, forcing a dog to live like us is inhuman." "I think he'll be happier on a farm." "How could he be happy without me?" "Balki, I know this is painful for you." "But I think maybe you're thinking more about what's good for you than what's good for him." "They have a farm?" "With sheep." " Sheep?" "I think Suprides would like sheep." "Can I get the Coopers?" "Yes." "Did you hear that, Suprides?" "Cousin Larry has found you a new home." "And he says you'll like it." "And Cousin Larry don't lie." "He says it's got a lot of trees, and a meadow, and a brook and a lot of children to play with, and some sheep to chase just like Couscous does on Mypos." "I don't want you to go." "But I didn't rescue you from the prison truck to keep you locked in an apartment all day." "And I'll come to see you so you don't forget me." "And maybe someday, I have a farm and you can come to visit me and run in my fields and play with me and nobody takes you away from me ever again." "So if you like the Coopers and you want to go to their farm and wait for me then show me something." "Show me a sign and then I'll be okay." "Oh, look." "What a beautiful dog." "Balki, this is Mrs. Cooper." "Hello, Balki." " Hello." "Can we pet the dog?" " Of course you can." "Here, boy." " Here, boy." "Well, Suprides seems to like the kids." "Can we keep him, Mom?" "He's the neatest dog in the whole world." "Can we, please?" "Well, Balki, it's up to you." "Well, that's up to Suprides." "Suprides, what do you say?" "He says yes, so I say yes." "Oh, thank you." "You're welcome." "Now, you take good care of him." "He likes to be scratched right here." "And he likes sour-cream-and-onion potato chips." "We'll take good care of him." "And you can come visit him any time you want." "Thank you." "Bye-bye, Suprides." "Come on, kids." "Let's go." " Come on, boy." "Come on, boy." "Thank you." "Thanks." "All right, come on, come on." "Goodbye." "I feel bad." "Well, I'm sorry we had to give up Suprides too." "No." "I feel bad because I'm a selfish person." "No, you're not." "When you realized what was best for Suprides, you did it." "I'm proud of you." "You are?" " You bet I am." "Well, then, I feel better." "Cousin, someday can we have a little pet?" "Well, sure, I guess we could get something like a hamster or a fish." "I want a fish." "Well, all right, one of these days, we'll go to the pet store..." "No, I want go today." " No." "I want go today." " We can't go today." "No, no, Balki." "All right, all right." "Okay." "We'll go today." "We'll get one fish." "And I get to name it." "Well, cousin, it's just the one fish?" "He's going to get lonely." "Two fish, that's it." "And you clean the bowl." "Can we get the little diver with the bubbles?" "No, we can't get the diver with the bubbles." "Can we get that sticky stuff that...?" " No, you can't."