"ANNOUNCER [OVER TV]:" "And coming up tomorrow on Oprah," "Sugar coma:" "Is it killing productivity in the home?" "Aw, Peg, are you all worn down from cooking and scrubbing and cleaning?" "Making this house the palace that it is?" "You know, you're amazing." "I just can't get over you." "How do you do it?" "Honey, you always wanted to go to Europe." "What do you say I put you in a box and ship you overseas?" "Come on, my little death certificate, what do you say?" "Oh, Mom, I had the most horrible dream." "I was married to a shoe salesman, and we lived..." "[SCREAMS]" "It's true!" "Oh." "Hi, honey." "I was just dreaming about you." "Were you in it, or was I having a good time?" "Ah, kids, I hardly ever say this, but it's good to see you." "I got something I gotta tell you." "Oh, please." "This isn't going to be another one of those" ""there's only enough food for three" lectures, is it?" "No, it's not that." "I want everybody to know that they have a security guard patrolling the wishing well around the mall, so money will be a little tight for a while." "Until old dad learns how to jimmy those pay phones." "Everybody understand?" "Well, good, good." "That's good." "Bud, take your jacket." "I don't have one." "What do you mean you don't have one?" "I just bought you one last week." "I guess I left it somewhere." "You don't leave a jacket." "You leave your hopes, your dreams, if you're lucky, your family, but you gotta take care of your jacket." "Al, just get him another jacket." "Well, excuse me," "Miss Why-don't-I- get-a-W-2-form?" "Now, kids, sit down." "How are you ever going to learn responsibility?" "Do you know what I had to do as a kid to earn money to get a jacket?" "I had to shovel coal, carry ice, dig ditches, pump gas" "* Nobody knows *" "* The trouble He's seen *" "* Nobody knows his sorrow *" "Thank you very much, Bundy glee club." "Oh, and by the way, Peg, way to parent." "How much is a jacket?" "Sixty dollars." "Sixty dollars." "You know how much a jacket was when I was a kid?" "* Nobody knows The trouble he's seen *" "Okay, okay, okay." "Here you go." "Enjoy." "Oh, and Peg, don't bother chipping in, because you do so much around here already." "Right now, just try to keep the couch from hitting the ceiling." "Thanks, Dad." "Yeah, right." "Hey, listen." "Next time, don't lose that" "Ah, who cares?" "You know, it's amazing." "Kelly's the good one now." "She comes home with new clothes, but she never asks for money." "Thank you, princess, for taking care of your stuff." "Oh, Mom, I need a favor." "Oh, anything, honey." "As long as I don't have to get up." "No, tomorrow's Mother-Daughter career day at school, and some of the moms are gonna talk about what they do, so I volunteered you for refreshments, and I need 800 cookies by tomorrow." "Eight hundred cookies by tomorrow?" "Why didn't you tell me before?" "Hey, they only told me about it two weeks ago." "Eight hundred cookies." "Let's see." "Eighty cents a cookie..." "Al, I need a thousand dollars." "A thousand dollars?" "That's no problem." "You got change for a million?" "Come on, Al." "I need money." "I need 800 cookies by tomorrow." "What am I gonna do?" "Mm, cookies." "Dilemma, dilemma." "Well, let's see how others may have handled this." "I remember reading one time," "I believe it was The Enquirer," "Yes, I recall the headline." ""Woman bakes cookies, odd but true."" "Was that the same issue where a man had sex with his wife?" "Yeah, if you read real careful," "I believe it was the woman who baked the cookies." "[SOBBING]" "Miss, have you seen my mom?" "It's me, Bud." "But you're... you're..." "Cooking." "[SOBS]" "Yes, Bud." "But it's not for us, right?" "Oh, no." "I wouldn't do that." "Good." "Can I have some money?" "You know where we keep it." "Right, Mom." "Hi, Dad." "Would it help everybody if I just slept like this?" "It's an investment, Dad." "Now, listen." "Kelly has a big math test coming up." "Now, me and the guys are getting a pool together to guess her score." "Now, if I act fast, I can cover 0-20, and we'll be rolling in dough." "Put me down for 15." "Right." "Where's your jacket?" "Oh, I lost it." "You know, I liked that one too." "Peg, did you hear this?" "What's a degree?" "[DOORBELL RINGS]" "Oh, please let it be a homicidal maniac." "Please." "That's close enough." "Al, I know this is usually" "Encyclopedia Britannica hour at your house, but I was wondering if you could spare a minute to pay for the window your son broke." "Wait a second, Steve." "What makes you think Bud did it?" "Well, it happened right after I said to him," ""Hey, Bud, aren't you throwing those snowballs a little close to my house?"" "Bud?" "What have you got to say for yourself?" "Kelly's failing English." "I don't want to hear it." "Now, you get some scotch tape and a piece of Steve's newspaper, and you tape up that window." "Uh, Al, as soothing as the sound of wind whacking against the sports section may be," "I was thinking more along the lines of 50 bucks for a new window." "And I could use 60 for a new jacket." "You know, Steve, I'm glad this happened." "This came at a perfect time." "Winter?" "No." "It's time Bud learned some responsibility." "You're going to learn the value of a dollar." "You're going to pay for his window and your jacket." "Al, why don't you just give me the 50 bucks and let Bud pay you back?" "Oh, no, Steve." "I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him." "Okay, how about this?" "It's six degrees in my living room, and I think the lesson's mine to learn." "I'll pay for the window myself." "Well, that's fine for you, Steve, but what's in it for Bud?" "Okay, I'll give him 50 bucks to forget the whole thing." "No deal." "Now, Bud, here's what we're gonna do." "You are going to learn the value of a dollar." "You're going to come to work with me tomorrow." "But, Dad, I have to" "And after seeing what I go through all day, you'll think twice before you lose jackets, break windows, get married, have kids..." "Steve, what's a "tbls"?" "That's short for tablespoon." "And someone's supposed to know that?" "Steve, did you know our window is broken?" "Yes." "Bud did it," "I apologized, and they promised to let me pay for it." "I'm going to go get a new pane of glass." "You stay here." "It's safer." "They never foul their own nest." "[PEG SOBS]" "Peggy, what's wrong?" "Can't you see?" "I'm baking." "Look, Marcie." "Look at what they look like before they're cookies." "I see you're making chocolate chip." "Oh, no." "That one just fell on the floor." "I don't belong in the kitchen, Marcie." "I'm a woman, damn it." "Let me help you." "Oh, I couldn't ask you to do that." "How many do you need?" "Oh, 800 or so." "I want Kelly to be proud of me." "Make it an even thou." "Uh, Peggy?" "This hair..." "Do you want it sticking out of the cookie, or as a surprise in the middle?" "However they do it at bakeries." "Then you'll want it inside." "So what do you need these cookies for, anyway?" "Oh, it's Mother-Daughter Career Day at Kelly's school." "Hmm." "What are you gonna wear?" "Why would I go to career day?" "Well, you have a career." "You're a homemaker, and a homemaker is a very undervalued profession." "You should go and speak about the things you do for your family, like..." "You did give birth, didn't you?" "I guess." "You know, I was so deep under, I could have laid eggs." "Yes, well, Steve and I have a theory about that, but..." "Don't you think Kelly wants you to go?" "She's never asked me." "Peggy..." "A lot of time, kids don't come right out and ask for what they really want." "I know when I was a young girl," "I wanted a horse, so I started talking about stirrups." "My mother took me to the gynecologist." "So now, whenever I see a western," "I have this urge to scootch to the end of the table." "Marcie, say what you mean." "I want a horsie, damn it." "Well, that's not what I mean." "What I mean is, no matter what she says," "I'm sure Kelly wants you to come to career day." "Hmm." "You know, she has been acting kind of strange lately." "Why, just today, she asked me to make her breakfast." "Gee, I wonder what she really wanted." "Oh, well." "I guess I'll ask her gynecologist." "You know, maybe I should go to that career day." "I hate to disappoint Kelly." "Oh, Mom, have you seen my sweater?" "Not now, I'm cooking!" "God, it never ends." "[CHATTERING]" "Hi, Mom." "How's it going?" "Oh, fine." "Fine!" "I mean, nobody's talking to me or anything, but, uh..." "Actually, I shouldn't say nobody." "A teacher gave me detention for smoking in the bathroom." "Oh, and the girls' gym teacher asked if I'd I like to come over and we could comb each other's hair." "Well, if you go, she'll get you out of that detention." "Look, Kelly," "I really thought some of these kids would come over and ask me questions." "I must be making you look pretty bad in front of your friends." "Don't worry about it, Mom." "Most of my friends aren't even up yet." "Well, I know that, but I wanted you to be proud of me, like those other kids are proud of their moms." "But you're not like other moms." "I mean, I knew that the first day of kindergarten when I opened up my lunchbox and found a dollar bill and a road map to Burger King." "I packed that lunch myself." "But you know, I've been thinking, there must be more to being a good mom than good nutrition." "I mean, look, those other kids are learning so much from the other moms." "Hey." "Those other moms couldn't have taught me how to forge Dad's signature." "Well, you know, I can't take credit for that." "Bud taught me, and I passed it on to you." "You're very good at that, you know." "Thanks." "Why, your "Al Bundy" is worth more than the check it's written on." "See, you've helped me in a lot of ways." "Do you remember when I was 7 and I was crying because Bobby Shepin liked Terry Mull just because she was a blonde, and you ran right out and bought me my first bottle of bleach." "Oh, I almost forgot about that." "Honey, what is your real hair color?" "I don't know." "What color's yours?" "I don't know." "You know, it's times like these" "I wish we'd taken pictures." "Oh, listen." "Let's go have ourselves a real Mother-Daughter Day." "We'll get some popcorn, feed the pigeons, and then walk by a construction site and make them hoot like jackals." "Too cool for school, Mom." "Hey, excuse me." "What do you do?" "Oh, uh," "I don't know." "Nothing, really." "I watch TV." "Then how do you make money?" "Easy." "My husband has a job." "He brings home a paycheck, and what he doesn't give to me, I take!" "Wow!" "Hey, Becky, come here, you gotta hear this." "Dad, I had a math test today." "Why are you doing this?" "AL:" "For once in your life" "I want you to see what your dad does all day long." "[TOILET FLUSHES]" "There, that's better." "This is great, isn't it?" "Dad, tell me again this lesson I'll never forget, because I already know how to go to the bathroom." "It's about responsibility, Bud." "You can't go through life asking for money and not doing anything to earn it." "Your mom already cornered that market." "I just want to show you where the money comes from." "Now, you remember that 320-pound behemoth that orbited her way in here about an hour ago?" "The one with the chicken wing between her teeth?" "No, the other one." "Now, that was a $20 sale." "That means a solid $1.97 for me." "After taxes, social security, and your mom," "I just earned myself a cool nickel." "You know, I never figured that out before." "What the hell am I doing?" "Other people make money." "Ah, but we're not talking about me." "We're talking about you." "You're living in a time of possibilities for a young, smart guy like you that are limitless." "Why, you could" "A nickel?" "That's what I make?" "What the hell keeps me going?" "Dad, just" "Now, wait a second, Bud." "Dad needs a moment here." "A nickel?" "That can't be right." "It just can't be." "Ah, well, the important thing is that you learn responsibility, and that your old dad is a little more than a Ready Teller who doles out money anytime anybody asks." "Excuse me." "Would you be able to spare some cab fare?" "Absolutely." "You know, cabs are dangerous these days." "Let me get you a limo." "Gee, great." "[CASH REGISTER RINGS]" "And who might you be?" "I might be the son of a rich man, but fate stepped in and dealt me a tragic hand." "Don't talk to him." "He loses jackets." "There you go." "I'm sorry I had to ask, but would you believe it?" "I lost my purse?" "AL:" "Oh, well," "Let's retrace your steps." "Let's go back to your shower this morning." "Now, um..." "What were you wearing?" "Well, nothing." "Uh-huh." "And what kind of soap were you using?" "Dad, let me speak to you for a second." "I'm with a customer." "Dad!" "I don't get this." "I lost a jacket, I got a lecture." "She loses her purse, she gets 20 bucks." "How come I have to learn responsibility and she doesn't?" "Son, look at that." "When you have that kind of skill, you don't need responsibility." "Bud, I got an idea." "Me too, Dad." "No, no." "It's obvious to me that you're not going to learn anything looking at me." "I'm not looking at you, Dad." "Well, then at least listen, and don't block my view." "Bud, you're going to have the same thing I had as a kid." "You're going to open your own lemonade stand." "Nothing better on a hot day." "Dad, it's 12 degrees." "Then why are we both sweating?" "All right, who's next to lift the wallet out of the pants?" "Oh!" "Okay, Susan." "You try." "Oh, no, no, no." "You want to lift with the right hand." "The left hand is to hold the pillow over his head." "Uh, Mom, a remote control question over here?" "Oh, no, no, Kimberly." "You want to roll the bonbon in your mouth." "Roll it, roll it." "Yes?" "What if your husband is watching something stupid like sports, and he has the remote control?" "CROWD:" "Yeah." "That's a good one." "Ah." "An advanced question." "This requires planning." "As I explained, in the section on how to use your TV Guide, when you fold down the pages of what you want to see, scan for those nasty sporting events that can kill your evening." "That day, you set the channel for what you want, and then remove the batteries from the remote control." "Most men will only push a remote button four times before giving up, and they won't get up to change the station manually, because they're too tired from work." "Judge Spivak." "What about meals?" "How do they get done?" "Hello, do you deliver?" "So what you're saying is that work is stupid." "Just for women." "No, what I'm saying is why should we age and sweat and die early?" "That's what men are for!" "Gosh, Kelly, your mom is the greatest, and where did she learn to make such good cookies?" "She tricked a neighbor into baking them." "Oh, my gosh." "Everybody, did you hear that?" "She tricked a neighbor into making these cookies." "All CHANTING:" "Peg-gy!" "Peg-gy!" "Peg-gy!" "Peg-gy!" "Peg-gy!" "Peg-gy!" "Peg-gy!" "Peg-gy!" "I couldn't believe that astronaut." "Forty years old, and she didn't even know who Oprah was." "Spend some time on Earth, lady." "You know, Mom, when I grow up, I want to be just like you." "I want to do nothing." "I want to be nothing." "Oh, Kelly, you make me so proud." "I just wish your father could be here to hear that." "What are they doing selling lemonade?" "It must be five below out there." "Oh, it's something about a lesson." "I couldn't really understand Bud." "He had a lemon stuck to his lips." "What happened to Bud?" "Ah, he's a little grumpy." "Mr. Erickson was running his snow blower." "It sucked up a quarter, shot it across the street, hit Bud in the head." "There ya go!" "I told you if you put these lemons under a little fire, they'd fall right out." "You're the greatest, Dad." "Save me from this man." "Some other time, Bud." "I'm taking Kelly shopping." "Oh, look, Mom." "This quarter fell off Bud's head." "We can use it for the parking meter." "No, no, we have an out-of-order sign for that." "But I know, we can use it to buy lemonade at the mall." "Hey, Mom, you want to buy Bud a jacket?" "What for?" "He's inside now." "Well, I think you learned a couple of valuable lessons." "Number one, never suck on a lemon when it's 5 degrees." "Number two, look at yourself." "You're cold, you're hungry, you're beginning to stoop." "You earned a quarter and the women took it." "Congratulations, Bud." "Today, you are a man." "[***]"