"Father, I must speak." "I can be silent no longer." "All day long you mutter to yourself, gibber, dribble, moan and bat your head against the wall, yelling: "I want to die!"" "Now you may say I'm leaping to conclusions, but... ..you're not completely happy, are you?" " It's mother, isn't it?" " No, it's not." "You're brooding over her death." "Kate, for the final time, your mother is not dead." "She's run off with Uncle Henry." "Dear Father, I know you only say such things to comfort me." "Your mother is alive and well and living in Droitwich." "It is not her I brood over." "I'm sad because, my darling, our poverty has now reached such extremes that I can no longer afford to keep us." "I must look to my own dear tiny darling to sustain me in my frail dotage." " But Father, surely..." " Yes, Kate." "I want you to become a prostitute." " Father!" " Do you defy me?" "But indeed, I do." "For it's better to die poor than to live in shame and ignominy." " No, it isn't." " I'm young and strong and clever." "My nose is pretty." "I shall find another way to earn us a living." "Oh, please, go on the game." "It is a steady job and you'd be working from home." "Goodbye, Father." "I shall go to London, disguise myself as a boy and seek my fortune!" "Why go all the way to London when you can make a fortune lying on your back?" " Very good shot, my Lord." " Thank you, Baldrick." " Sorry I'm late." " I'm sorry you're alive." "Good, I see the target is ready." "I'd like to see the Spaniard who could make his way past me." "Go to Spain." "There are millions of them." "I'll advise them to stay there then." "Keep their hands off our women." " Who is she this time?" " I don't know what you mean." " And who is Jane?" " I'm sworn to secrecy." "Torture me, kill me, you shall never know." "Jane Herrington." "We're very much in love, my Lord." " This is the Jane Herrington?" " Yes." "Jane "burry me in a Y-shaped coffin" Herrington?" "I think maybe there are two Jane Herringtons." " No..." "Tall, blonde, elegant?" " That's right." "Goes like a privy door when the plague is in town?" "Get on with your shot." "You'll get over her." "I did." "So did Baldrick actually." "Damn!" "She's got this thing about beards." "Well, in that case I'm going to shave!" "Bad luck, Balders." "Not to worry, my Lord, the arrow didn't in fact enter my body." "No, by a thousand to one chance my willy got in the way." " Extraordinary." " I only just put it there." "But now, I will leave it there forever." "Is that so, Baldrick?" "It can be your lucky willy." "Yes, my Lord." "Years from now I'll show it to my grandchildren." "I think that grandchildren may now be out of the question." "Poor old pea-brain." "Ha!" "Never catch me falling in love, that's for damned sure." "(KNOCKING ON THE DOOR) Come in." "Good day to you, Lord Blackadder!" "Good day to you... ..boy?" "!" "What brings you here?" "I'm an honest hard-working lad, but poor, and I must support my father who is stark raving mad." "Therefore, I come to London to seek a servant's wage." "Unfortunately I already have a servant." "The word is that your servant is the worst servant in London." "That's true." "Baldrick, you're fired." "Be out of the house in ten minutes." "Young man, you've got yourself a job." "What do they call you?" " Kate." " Isn't that a bit of a girl's name?" "Oh... it's... short for... ..Bob." " Bob?" "!" " Yes." "Well, Bob, welcome on board." "Sorry, Baldrick, any reason you're still here?" "I've got nowhere to go, my Lord." "Surely you'll be allowed to starve to death in one of the royal parks." "I've been in your service since I was two and a half." "That's why I'm so utterly sick of the sight of you." "Couldn't I just stay here and do the same job but for no wages?" " You know where you'll have to live." " In the gutter." "And you'll have to work a bit harder too." "Go and get Bob's stuff in and chuck your filthy muck out." "God bless you, sweet master." "Bob, this is Percy, a dimwit I don't seem to be able to shake off." "Hello there, Bob, you young roister-doister, you." "You look a likely sort of lad for tricks and sports and jolly, rosy, cheap capering." "Of course you do, and more besides, I warrant thee, young scamp." "Thank you so much for letting me stay, Lord Blackadder." "I'm looking forward to having you..." "Having another man about the house instead of that animal Baldrick." "Excuse me, I must go to the lavatory." "How little he knows and how much I would have him know." "I say, Bob, I think this calls for a celebration." "How about a game of cup and ball and a slap-up tea at Mrs Miggins pie shop?" "Get lost, creep!" "I like you, young Bob." "You've got balls." "Nice try, Melchie, but it's no use." "I'm still bored." "Your royal father used to be very amused by my impersonation of Columbus." "Doesn't surprise me." "He used to laugh at..." "Those people with the funny faces and the bells... ?" " Jesters, Ma'am?" " No." "Lepers." "Where is Edmund these days?" "The whisper on the underground grapevine is that Lord Blackadder is spending all his time with a young boy in his service." "Do you think he'd spend more time with me if I was a boy?" "You almost were a boy, my little cherry-pip." "Out you popped and everyone's shouting:" ""It's a boy, it's a boy!"" "And somebody said:" ""But it hasn't got a winkle!"" "And I said: "God be praised, it's a miracle." "A boy without a winkle!"" "And then Sir Thomas More pointed out that a boy without a winkle is a girl." "Everyone was really disappointed." "He was a very perceptive man Sir Thomas More." "What has happened to Edmund?" "There's something odd about someone who spends all their time with a servant." "Well, Bob." "We're a couple of fine lads, aren't we?" "Let's get ratted and talk about girls, eh?" "Yes, we could sing some really dirty songs and..." "Oh God, I find you curiously pleasant company, young Bob." "I'm honoured and for my part want nothing more than to be with you, old man." "Well, there's nothing more healthy and normal than having a good chum." " What think you, my Lord, of love?" " You mean rumpy pumpy?" "What would you say, my Lord, if I were to say: "I love you."" "Um, well of course it depends entirely on whom you said it to." "If you said it to a horse I would presume you were sick." "If you said it to Baldrick I would presume you were blind." " If you said it to me, well..." " Yes, my Lord?" "Well, I'd assume we were having a big lad's joke about back-tickle, as the way we healthy fellows often do, and I'd grab you for a friendly wrestle and then we'd probably slap each other's sides like jolly good chums" "and laugh at what it would be like if we really did... fancy each other." "In that case, my Lord..." "I love you!" "Don't worry, Bob, he used to try to kill me too." "Baldrick, mighty glad to see you." "What do you want?" "I was wondering if I might sleep on the roof." "The town bailiff says if I lie in the gutter I'll be flushed into the Thames with the other turds." "Yes, certainly Baldrick." "Help yourself." "I was just off to bed anyway." "Good night, Baldrick." "Good night, Bob." "Good night, my Lord." "Yes." "Oh God..." " What seems to be the trouble?" " It's my man servant." "I see." "Well, don't be embarrassed." "If you've got the pox just pop your man servant on the table and we'll take a look at him." "No, I mean, it's my real man servant." " And what's wrong with him?" " Nothing, that's the problem." "He's perfect." "And last night I almost kissed him." "I see." "So you've started fancying boys then, have you?" " Not boys." "A boy." " Well, let's not split hairs." "It's all rather disgusting and naturally you're worried." "It isn't every day a man wakes up to discover he's a screaming bender with no more right to live on God's clean earth than a weasel." "Ashamed of yourself?" " Not really, no." " Bloody hell." "I would be." "But why should I complain?" "Just leaves more rampant totty for us real men." "Am I paying for this personal abuse or is it extra?" "All part of the service." "I think you're in luck though." "An extraordinary new cure has just been developed for this kind of sordid problem." " Has it got anything to do with leeches?" " I had no idea you were a medical man." "You try to cure everything with leeches." "A leech on my ear for earache, a leech on my bottom for constipation." " They're marvellous, aren't they?" " Not the bottom one." "I squashed it." "The leech comes to us on the highest authority." " I know." "Dr Hoffmann of Stuttgart." " That's right, the great Hoffmann." "Owner of the largest leech farm in Europe." "Well, I cannot spend all day gossiping." "As far as this case is concerned I have now had time to think it over and I can strongly recommend a course of leeches." "Yes, pop a couple down my codpiece before I go to bed." "No, don't be ridiculous." "This isn't the Dark Ages." "Just pop four in your mouth in the morning and let them dissolve slowly." "In a couple of weeks you 'll be beating your servant with a stick like the rest of us." " You're just an old quack, aren't you?" " I'd rather be a quack, than a duckie." "Anything to follow, my Lord?" "There's this lovely fat spider I found in the bath." " I was saving it for myself..." " Shut up, Baldrick." "I don't eat invertebrates for fun, you know." "This is doctor's orders." "Oh, I don't hold with this new doctoring." "Any problems, I go to the wise woman." "I am long past on trusting myself to some deranged druid who gives her professional address as 1 Dunghill Mansions, Putney." " Tell me, young crone, is this Putney?" " That it be, that it be." ""Yes it is"." "Not "that it be"." "You don't have to talk in that stupid voice to me." "I'm not a tourist." " I seek information about a wise woman." " The wise woman." "The wise woman." "Yes, the wise woman." "Two things, my Lord, must thee know of the wise woman." "First, she is... ..a woman!" "And second, she is... ..wise?" " You do know her, then?" " No, just a wild stab in the dark." "Which is incidentally what you'll be getting if you don't start being a bit more helpful." " Do you know where she lives?" " Of course." " Where?" " Here." "Do you have an appointment?" "No." "Well, you can go in anyway." "Thank you." "Here's a purse of moneys which I'm not going to give to you." " Hail Edmund, Lord of Adders Black." " Hello." "Step no nearer, for already I see thy bloody purpose." "Thou plot is, Blackadder, thou wouldst be king and drown Middlesex in a butt of wine." "(LAUGHS DEMONICALLY)" "No, it's far worse than that." "I'm in love with my man servant." " Oh well, I'd sleep with him if I were you." " What?" "When I fancy people, I sleep with them." "I have to drug them first of course." "Being so old and warty." "But what about my position, my social life?" "Three other paths are open to you." "Three cunning plans to cure thy ailment." " Oh good." " The first is simple." " Kill Bob!" " Never." "Then try the second." "Kill yourself!" "And the third?" "The third is to ensure that no one else ever knows." " That sounds more like it." "How?" " Kill everybody in the whole world." "(LAUGHS DEMONICALLY)" "I've got something important to say to you and I want you to listen very carefully." "Look, Bob." "I've decided that you are to leave my service." "Oh no, my Lord!" "My father will starve and I'll have to become a male prostitute." " I thought we were friends." " We are friends, Bob." "Of course, of course, of course..." "In fact that's the reason I want you to leave my service and become my live-in chum." "Oh, my Lord!" "I want to make clear that I am in no way interested in the contents of your tights." "You might be, my Lord, if you knew what I kept in them." "I've learned of myself what a gentleman keeps in his tights, thank you." " But my Lord, I have a great secret." " What?" "Prepare to be amazed." "You haven't got one of these birthmarks shaped like a banana, have you?" " No." " Or a tattoo saying "Get it here"?" " No." " Oh God." "You've got one of those belly buttons that sticks outward." " No, my Lord." " What can it possbly be?" "Aah..." "Good Lord!" "What was that Bob's stuff about?" "You would have just used me like you have so many women before." " Would I?" " Yes." "Now you had a chance to love me for what I really am." "Yes, that's true and now I want to marry you, Bob." " Kate." " Then come, kiss me, Kate!" "I bring grave intelligence of your former favourite Lord Blackadder." "He wishes to marry a girl called Bob." "That's a very odd name for a girl, isn't it?" "Girls are normally called Elizabeth or Mary." " And Donald..." " Mouth is open Nursie, should be shut." "I had three sisters called Donald, Eric and Basil." " Then why is your name Nursie?" " That ain't my real name." " What is your real name then?" " Bernard." "Suits you, actually." " Hello, stranger." " I seek your permission to wed." "So I hear." "Melchie, what do you think of all this?" "I'm astonished that Blackadder has eyes for any other woman than yourself." "Good point." "Though slightly grovely." "When I fell in love I didn't know she was a woman." "I thought she was a boy." "That makes it perfectly acceptable." " Oh all right, go on and marry her." " Thank you, Ma'am." "Just tell me one thing." "Is her nose as pretty as mine?" "Oh, no, no, no, Ma'am." "Oh good, because otherwise I would have cut it off." "And to marry someone without a nose wouldn't be very nice, would it?" "No, Ma'am." "Imagine the mess when she's got a cold!" "Yuck!" "Well quite, Ma'am." "All right, off you go then." "Everyone seems to get married except me." " And me, Ma'am." " Oh shut up, Bernard." "You'll make a lovely bridesmaid, Baldrick." "Pity me that I have no girl chums." "We were so poor we couldn't afford friends." "It's in keeping with our courtship that your maid of honour should be a man." "Thank you, my Lord." "I use the word man in as broad as possible a sense." "We all know God made man in his own image." "It would be a sad lookout for Christians if God looked anything like you, Baldrick." "Ignore old Mister Grumpy." "There you are, Balders." "You look as sweet as a little pie." "Kate, he looks like what he is:" "a dung ball in a dress." "Edmund..." "Hello there..." "Edmund, you didn't tell me we were expecting guests." "And such a pretty one too." "Oh God..." "Now you're a little cutie to be hiding yourself away all these years." " Tell me, gorgeous, what's your name?" " He's called Baldrick." "Baldrick." "That's a pretty name." "Edmund used to have a servant called Baldrick." "But anyway, away with such small talk." " Lady... a kiss." " What?" "And so modest too." "Come on, you little tease." "You know you want to." " Give us a kiss." " Alright, if you say so." "What an original perfume." "That is our Baldrick." "He's wearing a dress." " Anyway, what do you want?" " Well, Edmund." "There's been discussion on the subject of who's going to be your best man." "And I thought it might be the moment to bring the subject to a conclusion." " Yes, Percy." "I would like you..." " I'm so proud!" "Please, let me finish." "I would like you to take this letter to Dover where is recently docked the galleon of my old school friend Lord Flashheart." " He shall be my best man." " Lord Flashheart?" "The best sword, the best shot, the best sailor and the best kisser in the kingdom." " To Dover at once." " Yes." "Actually I was going to suggest Lord Flashheart as the best man myself." "Were you?" "(CRIES LOUDLY)" "(WEDDING BELLS)" "Edmund, I cannot believe it's really happening." " It is, my sweet." " I want you to meet my father." "Oh fine." "Excuse me, could you move along, please." "I'm waiting for my father-in-law." "Last thing I want is some old beggar blocking the door, smelling of cabbage." "I am your father-in-law." "Oh no..." "All right, how much do you want to clear off?" "Edmund, how could you?" "He's my father, my only living relative." " Ten pounds should do the trick." " Father!" "Edmund, you mustn't!" "I'll get Baldrick to beat him up after the ceremony." "We'll get the money back." "Edmund, could we get on, do you think?" "I want to get to the reception so I can get squiffy and seduce someone." "Unfortunately, my best man has not arrived." " Get another one." " There's no one else I can really think of." " Sorry, Percy?" " Nothing, my Lord, just clearing my throat." "Don't." "I don't want you coughing all the way through the ceremony." "Come on, Edmund." "You must be able to think of another best man." " Well, I suppose I could ask Percy." " My lord!" "Can you think of another best man?" "Well, my Lord, one name does spring to mind." "Yes, but I can't ask Baldrick." "He's a bridesmaid." "Besides, I need a friend, an equal, an old and trusty companion." "I think there is one person in the room who fits the description." "Of course..." "Nursie!" "How do you fancy putting on a pair of hose and being my best man?" "Don't be so naughty." "You know perfectly well whom Percy is referring to." "I'm sorry." "Melchett!" "Ashamed as I am and contradiction in terms though it is..." " Percy, you can be the best man." " Oh, my Lord!" "Noble cause, what an honour." "I brought along a ring, just..." "I really did think old Flash would have turned up." " It's me!" " Flash!" "Flash by name, Flash by nature." " Hurrah!" " Hurrah!" " Where have you been?" " Where haven't I been!" "I'm here now." " Who is that?" " I don't know, but he's in your place." "Not for long." "Hold that." "Thanks, bridesmaid, like the beard." "Gives me something to hang on to." "So me old mate Eddie is getting hitched, hey?" "What's the matter?" "Can't stand the pace of the in-crowd?" "Hey, Queenie." "You look sexy." "Listen, wear your hair long." "I prefer it that way." "I've got such a crush on him." "And Melchie!" "Still worshipping God?" "Last thing I heard he started worshipping me !" "Nursie, I like it firm and fruity." "Am I pleased to see you or did I just put a canoe in my pocket?" "Down boy, down!" "And now, where is this amazing bird?" "The one who stopped my old pal Eddie doing exactly whatever he wants." "Ah yes, Flash, let me introduce my... fiancee Kate." "She's got a tongue like an electric eel and she likes the taste of a man's tonsils." "You don't want to marry this jerk, baby." "Meet me on my horse in eight seconds." "But I can't run in this frock." "I've found I actually prefer wearing boy's clothes." "Weird." "I always feel more comfy in a dress." "I've got a plan and it's as hot as my pants." "What a man Flash is, eh?" "Things will liven around here, now he's back." "Won't they, Flash?" "So long, suckers!" "Next time you get bored, give me a call and I'll come and kill you." " Bye, Edmund, and thanks for everything!" " Hurrah!" "It is customary on these occasions for the groom to marry the bridesmaid." "I presume you intend to honour this." "I do." "# So Flashheart tweaked the Adder's beard, From now he always shall be single" "# To fall in love with boys is weird, Especially boys without a tingle" "# Blackadder, Blackadder His taste is rather odd" "# Blackadder, Blackadder A randy little sod" "# Lord Flashheart, Lord Flashheart I wish you were the star" "# Lord Flashheart, Lord Flashheart, You're sexier by far" "Right, Baldrick, let's try again, shall we?" "This is called adding." "If I have two beans, and then I add two more beans, what do I have?" "Some beans." "Yes... and no." "Let's try again, shall we?" "I have two beans, then I add two more beans, what does that make?" "A very small casserole." "Baldrick, the ape creatures of the Indus have mastered this." "Now try again." "One, two, three, four." " So how many are there?" " Three." " And that one." " Three and that one." "So if I add that one to the three, what will I have?" "Oh!" "Some beans." "To you, Baldrick, the Renaissance was just something that happened to other people, wasn't it?" "Edmund, Edmund, come quickly, the Queen wants to see you!" " What are you wearing round your neck?" " It's my new ruff." "You look like a bird who's swallowed a plate." "It's the latest fashion actually and it makes me look rather sexy." "To another plate-swallowing bird perhaps." "If it was blind and hadn't had it in months." " I think you may be wrong." " You're a sad laughable figure, Percy." " What do you think of Percy's ruff?" " Four." "Some beans and some beans is four beans." "We've moved on from advanced mathematics, we're on to dressmaking." "What do you think of Percy's ruff?" "I think he looks like a bird who's swallowed a plate, my lord." "No, that's what I think." "Try to have a thought of your own, Baldrick." "Thinking is so important." "What do you think?" " I think thinking is so important, my lord." " I give up." "I'm off to see the Queen." " Shall I come too, my lord?" " No, people might think we're friends." "Stay here with Baldrick." "Bird neck and bird brain, should get on like a house on fire." " Grey, I suspect, Majesty." " I think it was orange, Lord Melchett." " Grey is more usual, Ma'am." " Who's Queen?" "As you say, Majesty." "There were these magnificent orange elephants ..." " My Lady, you wish to see me." " Yes, Lord Melchett has bad news." "Lord Melchett is bad news." "(THE QUEEN LAUGHS)" "No, be serious." "Melchett!" "Unhappily, Blackadder, the Lord High Executioner is dead." "Oh woe!" "Murdered of course." "Oddly enough, no." "This one just got careless one night and signed his name on the wrong dotted line." "They came for him while he slept." "He should have told them they had the wrong man." "They didn't, they had the right man and they had the form to prove it." "Bloody red tape, eh?" "And the bad news?" "The bad news is that there are hundreds of catholics who desperately want their heads snicked off and there's no-one to organise it." "I pity the poor sod who gets the job." "No-one ever survives it more than a week." "I have taken the liberty, Ma'am, of drawing up a list of suitable candidates." "Let's hear it." "List for the post of Lord High Executioner." "Lord Blackadder." "Right then." "Let's take a look, shall we?" "Who's first into the head basket?" "Admiral Lord Ethingham and Sir Francis Drake on Monday." "That should draw a crowd." "Well, sailing enthusiasts." "Better make sure there's a few anchors and things on the souvenir stall." "Aye, aye, Sir." "Never ever try to be funny in my presence again, Percy." "Right, Buckingham and Ponsonby on Friday, Farrow on Wednesday." "Who's Farrow when he's not having his head cut off?" "James Farrow, pleasant bloke from Dorchester." "Don't know him, never will either." "Yes, and he goes on Wednesday?" "It's not right though, is it?" "Well no!" "There was absolutely no evidence against young Farrow at all!" "It was an outrageous travesty of justice!" "No, I mean we could stick him in on Monday and have half the week off." " Oh, I see." "Yes, that's right." " Pop him in on Monday." "Right, five dead in two days." "Not a bad start." " Oh yes, Percy, and the new ruff?" " The fashion today is towards the tiny." "In that case, Percy, you have the most fashionable brain in London." "Right, good morning team." "My name is Edmund Blackadder." "I'm the new minister in charge of religious genocide." "If you play straight with me you'll find me a considerate employer." "But cross me and you'll discover that under this playful boyish exterior beats the heart of a ruthless sadistic maniac." " Now, my man, you are?" " Jailor, Sir, my lord." " And your name is?" " Ploppy, Sir." " Ploppy the jailer?" " That's right, Sir." "Ploppy, son of Ploppy." " Ploppy, son of Ploppy the jailer?" " Ach no, Sir." "I am the first Ploppy to rise to be jailer." "My father, Daddy Ploppy, was known as Ploppy the Slopper." "It was from him that I inherited my fascinating skin diseases." "You are to be congratulated, my friend." "We live in an age where illness and deformity are common place and yet, Ploppy, you are the most repulsive individual that I have ever met." "I would shake your hand but I fear it would come off." "Not many bosses would be that considerate, Sir." "Thank you, Ploppy, I do my best." "Now then, woman, if indeed you are a woman." " What is your function on death row?" " I'm the last meal cook, Sir." "The prisoners may ask me for what they fancy for their last meal." " And you cook for them what they desire?" " Yes, provided they ask for sausages, otherwise they tend to get a tiny bit disappointed." "Sausages is all I got." "You are clearly a woman of principle and compassion, Mistress ..." " Ploppy, Sir." " Ah, so you are married to ..." "No, many people think that, but it's pure coincidence." "We did laugh when first we found out." ""Good morning, Mistress Ploppy" he'd say, and I'd say, "Good morning, Mister Ploppy."" "(BOTH LAUGH)" "The long winter evenings must just fly by." "And you must be the boy who makes the tea." "No, Sir, he's the executioner." "But he does sometimes make the tea." " And your name is?" " Baldrick, my lord." "But I'll change it to Ploppy if it'll make things easier." "No, thank you." "I can cope with more than one name." "What are you doing here?" "Well, it's a hobby." "It would be more fun, Sir, if he were to change his name." "Give the place a more family atmosphere." "This is meant to be a place of pain and misery and sorrow." "That's what I mean, Sir." "Mistress Ploppy is a bit of a social realist, Sir." "We're going to run a fast efficient operation and I intend to do as little work as possible." "My deputy Percy here will explain." "Good afternoon, staff, my name is Lord Percy, and if you play fair by me you will find me a considerate employer." " But if you cross me, byJove, you ..." " Just tell 'em the plan, duckface." " My lord, not in front of the staff." " Get on with it." "Right." "As you know, we are scheduled to execute Drake and Ethingham on Monday" "Lord Farrow on Wednesday and Buckingham and Ponsonby on Friday." "But in order to give us the middle of the week off" "Lord Blackadder has decided to move Farrow to Monday." "Let's just say he's got time off for good behaviour." "My husband dies tomorrow." "I beseech you, even if you cannot save his life ..." "Which I don't think either of us would want, seeing as how he's a horrible traitor." " But if he must die, may I see him?" " But of course." "What's she asking me for?" "Why doesn't she just go along to the execution?" "Your Majesty, I don't believe she wants to see him die." "I believe she wants to see him before he dies." "How odd." "She's not seen him!" "I wouldn't marry someone I'd never seen." "You should take marriage a bit more seriously next time." "(SHE CRIES)" "Come now, Lady Farrow, crying isn't going to help your husband now." "No!" "Ointment!" "That's what you need when your head's been cut off!" "That's what I gave your sister Mary when they'd done her." ""There, there," I said, "you'll soon grow a new one."" "Shut up, Nursie." "Of course you may see your husband, my dear." "And if horrid old Edmund tries to stop you give him this." "It's a warrant for his own execution." "Thank you, Ma'am." "May flights of angels sing you to your rest." "Yes, I'm sure they will!" "Hip, hip, hip ..." " So, they're all dead, are they?" " All three." "Drake, Ethingham, Farrow." " Splendid." "Any interesting last words?" " Farrow was rather moving, my lord." "A great strong man, he stood there gaunt and noble in the early morning mist and in a loud clear voice he cried out, "My wife might have bloody well turned up."" "She's probably shacked up with some new pair of tights already." "Unless Lord Percy has anything to add, you lot can amuse yourselves in whatever foul depraved way you feel fit 'til Friday." "Thank you, Sir." "Well staff, I've got a few notes on today's show." " On the whole I was impressed ..." " They've gone, Percy." "Eh team, team!" " My lord, there is a lady to see you." " Is she pretty?" " I don't know, what do you think?" " I haven't seen her yet." "Make yourself scarce, Baldrick." " Good evening, Lord Blackadder." " Well it certainly is now." "Perhaps you'd like to slip into something more comfortable." "No, my lord, for there is a great pain in my heart." " It's probably indigestion." " It is my husband." "Your husband's got indigestion?" "Well, he won't be bothering us then." "No, he dies tomorrow." "Oh come, you can't die of indigestion, you're overdramatising." "He is to be executed at your order." "I am Lady Farrow." "And what exactly did you want of me?" " I wish to see my husband tonight." " Not really possible actually." "(SHE WHIMPERS) Excuse me just a second." "Baldrick!" "That Farrow bloke you executed today, are you sure he's dead?" " Well I chopped his head off." " Don't get clever with me." "I just thought you might have lopped off a leg or something by mistake." "No, the thing I chopped off had a nose." "Yes, I'm so sorry." "I've just been consulting my legal people and I'm afraid there really is no chance of a meeting." " The Queen told me it would be allowed." " Really?" "And that if you said "no", I should give you this." "Fine, fine, absolutely." "Why not?" "Right, Baldrick, is that all clear?" "Yes, I've killed someone I shouldn't have killed." "Now you want me to put a lady on my head and talk to his old bag." "No, I want you to put a bag on your head and talk to his old lady." "Why a bag on my head?" "In order, nincompoop, that she should believe that you're her husband." "Did he used to wear a bag on his head?" "Young Ploppy here has a point, my lord." "Lord Farrow never wore a bag, he was an old-fashioned sort of a gent." "Well, my lord, I hadn't meant to mention it, but I have been wondering all along why you think Baldrick with a bag on his head is a dead ringer for Lord Farrow because he's not!" "Look, cretins, the bag is there in order to obscure Baldrick's own features." "Many might think that would be reason enough for him to wear it." "Before I bring in Lady Farrow I shall explain to her, inventing some cunningly plausible excuse, that her husband has taken to wearing a bag." "She can then chat to Baldrick imagining him to be the man she married." "And the Queen need never know of my miscalculation." " Why, my lord, that is a brilliant plan." " You're very kind." "Although there is something lurking at the back of my head that bothers me." " It's probably a flea." " Your Lordship, Lady Farrow." "All right, go on, quick!" "Quick!" "It is my beloved that I shall be pleased to see." "Though I should warn you that he, eh, he will not be quite as you knew him." "You fiend!" "What have you done to him?" "We have put a bag over his head." "Why?" "None of the other prisoners have such shapely widows, baa, wives, I should say." "In the interest of the moral, your husband has nobly agreed to wear a bag." "It was either that or have all the other prisoners in there with you." " How like him to make such a gesture." " Yes, yes." "I'll just go and check he's bagged up." "Balders, this is it!" " My lord!" " What is it now, Ploppy?" "I have located my nagging doubt." "It's a small point, but I do now recall that Lord Farrow was considerably taller, more than a yard taller, than young Ploppy here." "If you want something done properly you've got to do it yourself." " Anything else I should know?" " He had a very deep voice." " Big, deep, booming voice." " So quite like mine, then?" " No, my lord, a big, deep, booming voice." " Mine's quite deep." "Not like his, and in fact, he was even taller than you, my lord." "A giant man." "All right, don't rub it in." "Percy, you'd better go and have a word with her." "Go on, go on." "Sorry about the delay, Madam." "As you know, you are about to meet your husband, whom you will recognise on account of the fact that he has a bag over his head." " I would know my darling anywhere." " There are a couple of other things." "I am prepared for the fact that he may have lost some weight." "Yes, and some height." "That's the interesting thing." "You'll probably not recognise him at all actually." "You'll be telling me his arm's grown back next." "Excuse, just for a sec." "He's only got one arm!" "Well I shall just have to stick it inside the shirt." "Which one?" "Hang on!" " How do we know you're his wife?" " What?" "Well, you know, you could be a gloater." " I beg your pardon." " You know, a gloater." "Come to gloat over the condemned man." "We're up to our ears in gloaters here." ""Can I come in for a gloat?" they shout." "We shout back, "You heartless gloaters."" "(SHE CRIES)" "All right, alright, I tell you what." "I'll believe you're not a gloater if you tell me which arm he hasn't got." "His left of course." "Now let me see my husband!" "Right!" "It's the left!" "Good luck!" "Gloaters?" "You really are a prat, aren't you, Percy?" "In two minutes you interrupt me, alright?" "Otherwise I'm in real trouble, and don't forget because ..." " We're not at home to Mr Cockup." " Correct." " Remember the voice, my lord." " Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes." "Enter!" " James?" " My darling!" " How are you?" " Oh fine, fine." "Food's not bad." " Apart from the sausages." " Your voice is somehow different." " Oh, how?" " Somehow lighter." "Not as deep nor booming as once it was." " Is that better?" " Oh my darling!" "Call me by that name you always called me to show your love is still strong." "Ah, yes." "Do you think this is quite the time or the place for that sort of thing?" "Please!" "This is the specific secret little name that I always used to call you?" "Yes, the one like 'your little pumpkin'." "The one like 'your little pumpkin' but not actually 'your little pumpkin'?" "No." "Right then, my little pumpkinywumpkiny?" "Oh my darling!" "Ah!" "Your arm!" "What happened to it?" "Well, I'm rather hurt you don't remember." "But it was only cut off at the elbow." "What happened to the rest?" "Ah, well, I got into a scrap with a fellow who called you a nosey little strumpet who was always going blubbing to the Queen, and we got into a fight, and he cut off the top half." "Well I think you'd better be going." "Lord Blackadder said his servant Baldrick was going to collect me." "Perhaps, my lord, he is leaving us for a little longer." "No, I shouldn't think so." "Baldrick!" "He's usually very punctual." "Perhaps this Baldrick is doing it out of kindness." "Oh no, I shouldn't think so." "Baldrick!" "He's a very unkind person." "Let us leap on the moment and use it to its full." "Let me do this last thing for you!" "What wife could do more?" "Oh, I see." "Right, that's it." "Time's up!" "Come along." "We've had so little time." "May we finish what we began in paradise." " Farewell." " Farewell." "Baldrick, you bastard!" "You utter bastard!" "That was the first time in my whole life." "I've been on this paltry, boring planet for 30 years and that's the first time ever ..." "But do not despair, my lord." "Your brother petitions the Queen tomorrow morning." " There may still be hope!" " What?" "Shall I prepare the guest room for Mr Cockup, my lord?" "Yes, alright then, let him off." "He probably is innocent anyway." "My lady!" "May the heavens rain down radiant jewels and sweetmeats upon you." "Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!" " And may Cherabim and Seraphim ..." " Out!" " My lady, about Lord Farrow." " I've let him off." "No, you can't." "He's a complete cad of the first water." " 'Can't' is not a word for princes." " How very true, Majesty." "Anyway, I won't be argued with, will I, Nursie?" "Well, when you want something very naughty ..." "No, you won't be argued with." "Absolutely not." "So, Lord Blackadder, I want to see Lord Farrow here in one hour." "Meanwhile, I shall spend the time visiting my old friend Lord Ponsonby, whom I believe I'm having killed on Friday." "Come on, Nursie." "Let's see if there are any good heads in traitor's cloister on the way." "Percy, this is a very difficult situation." "Someone's for the chop." "You or me in fact." "Yes." "Let's face facts, Perc, it's you!" " Except, exc-ept, I may have a plan." " Oh yes." "How about if we get Lord Farrow's head and body and we take it to the Queen, except, exc-ept, just before we get in, we start shouting and screaming and then we say, "We were on our way when he said something traitorous."" ""So we cut his head off in the corridor to teach him a lesson"." "Absolutely pathetic!" "Contemptible!" "Worth a try." " Where is the head?" " On a spike in traitor's cloister." "Oh God, that's where the Queen's gone!" "Did she know Farrow?" " Oh yes, they were childhood friends." " If she sees his head on a spike ..." "She'll realise he's dead!" "You fetch the body, and I'll cover the head." "Hello, Edmund." "I'm sorry I snapped at you just now." " You know I'm very keen on you." " Yes, as you were keen on Essex." "Right up to the point at which you had his head cut off." "He didn't mind that, he knew it was only little me." "And I must say, his head did look jolly super on its spike." "Are there no heads on spikes today?" "No, we're training up a new executioner and he's a little immature." "Takes him forever." "Slash, slash, slash." "When he's finished you don't so much need a spike as a toast rack." "I like toast." "Still, must be off to say bye-bye to Ponsonby." "Would you care to stroll with me, if you've got time, if you're not too busy?" "Sorry, Ma'am ..." "I said "Would you care to stroll with me, if you've got time, if you're not too busy?" "!"" "It would make the decade worthwhile." "And in Genoa, 'tis now the fashion to pin a live frog to the shoulder braid, stand on a bucket and go "bibble" at passers-by." "Oh, our Italian cousins!" "Well, if you'll excuse me, Ma'am, I've got some business to attend to." "Certainly." "But first Edmund, take my hand." "Tell me you forgive my former sharpness." " M'lady." " Sweet Lord Blackadder." "Percy." " I've got the body and you the head." " It's no good, Percy." "No-one's ever going to believe we've just cut it off, it's gone green!" " We're doomed." " Doomed!" "Wait a moment, that's not Farrow!" "That's Ponsonby." "My God, Ponsonby!" "That genius Baldrick has killed the wrong bloke." "We're saved." " Then Farrow is alive and we're saved." " Hooray!" "And when the Queen gets back from seeing Ponsonby we'll ..." "Oh God!" "Oh doomed!" "Doomed!" " It's not very nice here, is it?" " It's not meant to be, my pikelet." "This is where all the horrid people who don't like you live." "It's a bit smelly too, isn't it?" "Of course I'm used to that." "In the mornings when you were a baby ..." "Shut up, Nursie!" "You!" "No not you, you're too repulsive." "You!" " Yes, your Royal Majestic Highness." " Bring in Lord Ponsonby." "So strange." "Ponsonby turned out to be a traitor." "You would have thought that he'd have had problems enough with that hunch." " And only having one leg." " And that terrible speech problem." "Your Majesty, Lord Ponsonby..." "Your Royal Majesty." "Sorry about the baaag." "Didn't have time to shave." "# His great-grandfather was a king, Although for only thirty seconds" "# When put in charge of beheading, He felt that fame and glory beckoned" "# Blackadder, Blackadder, no such blooming luck" "# Blackadder, Blackadder, Elizabethan schmuck" "# Blackadder, Blackadder, nothing goes as planned" "# Blackadder, Blackadder, life deals him a bum hand" " Coming?" " No." " It'll be a once in a lifetime experience." " No it won't." " Everybody's going." " Don't exaggerate, Percy." "I'm not going, Mrs Miggins from the pie shop isn't going." "You know perfectly well that Mrs Miggins is bedridden from the nose down." "And besides, she is honouring the occasion by baking a great commemorative pie, in the shape of an enormous pie!" "What an imagination that woman has." "(CROWD CHEERING OUTSIDE)" "Come on, Edmund!" "The greatest explorer of our age is coming home." "The streets have never been so gay!" "Women are laughing, children singing..." "Look!" "There's a man being indecently assaulted by nine foreign sailors and he's still got a smile on his face!" "Look, Percy, the return of Sir Walter "Oh, what a big ship I've got" Raleigh is a matter of supreme indifference to me." "Look, if you're not careful, all the children will dance about outside your window singing "sourpuss" and "grumpy face", and you wouldn't want that, would you?" "I believe I could survive it." "Now, Percy, will you get out before I cut your head off, scoop out the insides, and give it to your mother as a vase!" "What a clot." "The most absurdly dressed creature in Christendom." "With one exception." " My lord?" " Baldrick, you look like a deer." "Thank you, my lord." "You look a bit of a duckie yourself." "What do you want?" "I was wondering if I might have the afternoon off?" "Who do you think you are?" "Watt Tyler?" "You can have the afternoon off when you die, not before." "I want to cheer brave Sir Walter home." "Today I feel proud to be a member of the greatest Kingdom in the world." "And doubtless many other members of the animal kingdom feel the same way." "(CROWD CHEERING OUTSIDE) Look, will you shut up?" "!" "Bloody explorers, ponce off to Mumbo-Jumbo-land, come home with a tropical disease, a suntan and a bag of brown lumpy things, and everyone's got a picture of them in the lavatory." "I mean, what about the people that do all the work?" "I'm the people who do all the work." "I mean, look at this." " What is it?" " I'm surprised you've forgotten, my lord." " It's a rhetorical question." " No, it's a potato." "To you it's a potato, to me it's a potato." "But to Sir Walter Bloody Raleigh it's country estates, fine carriages and as many girls as his tongue can cope with." "He's making a fortune out of the things." "People are building houses out of them." "They'll be eating them next." "Stranger things have happened." "That horse becoming Pope." "(KNOCKING ON DOOR)" "Oh, God." "Probably some berk with a parrot on his shoulder selling plaster gnomes of Sir Francis Drake and his "Golden Behind"." "(CHILD SINGING "SOURPUSS, GRUMPY FACE" OUTSIDE)" "(SINGING STOPS)" " Mummy!" " Why aren't you at school?" "Blackadder, started talking to yourself I see." "Yes, it's the only way I can be sure of intelligent conversation." " What do you want?" " I just looked in on my way to the palace to welcome Sir Walter home." "I wondered if you cared to accompany me." "I don't think I'll bother." "Three hours of bluff seaman's talk about picking the weevils out of biscuits and drinking urine is not my idea of a good time." "Servant, my hat." " Potato?" " Thanks, I don't." "You haven't succumbed to this fad of dressing up like half an allotment in Nottingham Forest." " There you go, my lord." " Thank you." "You have." "Just as well you're not coming, you're not very popular at court at the moment..." "I can probably leave this until tomorrow in fact." "No, I'll come." "The Queen and I will be the only ones even vaguely sensibly dressed." " Who is it?" " Melchy, Lady." "Stop!" "Close your eyes!" "Now enter!" "Ahoy there, me shivering matey, heave-ho!" " Right, open your eyes." " Thank you, Majesty." "And..." " What's the matter, Melchy?" " I beg your pardon, my lady." "I was wanting to greet the gallant sailor who hallooed me as I came in." "Perchance he has hauled anchor and sailed away." "No, it was me!" "Majesty!" "Surely not!" "You utter creep." "So where's this barnacle-bottomed, haddock-flavoured, bilge-rat Sir 'rather a wally' Raleigh, then?" "I hear he's about as exciting as one of his potatoes." " Blackadder's a frightful old lubber." " Well, indubitably no sea dog, Ma'am." "With a yo-ho-ho and perhaps, I might venture, a bottle of rum into the bargain?" "(WHISTLE SOUND) It's him!" "Oh, God." "Do I look absolutely divine and regal and yet at the same time very pretty and rather accessible?" "You are every jolly Jack tar's dream, Majesty." "I thought as much." "If he's really gorgeous, I'm thinking of marrying him." " Ma'am, is that not a little rash?" " I don't think so." "It wouldn't be your first little rash if it was." "(CHEERING AND APPLAUDING)" "Majesty!" "Splice me timbers, Sir Walter, it's bucko to see you, old matey!" "I'm sorry?" "She says hello." "And well she might, for I have brought her gifts and dominions beyond her wildest dreams." "Are you sure?" "I have some pretty wild dreams, you know." "I'm not sure what they mean, but the other day there was this enormous tree, and I was sitting right on top of it." "And then I dreamt once that I was a sausage roll." "Sorry!" "So excited!" "Don't know what I'm saying." "Come on, Sir Walter, I want to hear about absolutely everything." "Then prepare to hear tales of terrible hardship, endurance and woe." "We set sail from Plymouth in the spring of 1552..." "You remember Lord Blackadder?" "No." "But I can see he is the sort of pasty landlubber I have always despised." "Well, quite." "Don't crowd Sir Walter, Edmund." "Twice last week, I fought in hand to hand combat with a man with two heads and no body hair." "I'll warrant the most exciting thing that has happened to that limpid prawn in a year was the day his servant forgot to put sugar in his porridge." "Gosh, you've got nice legs." "While I hold the six seas of the world in my hand, he couldn't even put six gob-stoppers in his mouth." " He's a complete no-hoper, isn't he?" " He certainly is." "My bedroom's just upstairs, you know." "I apprehended, Sir Walter, that there were only seven seas." "Only numerically speaking." "We sailors do not count the sea around the Cape of Good Hope." "It is called the Sea of Certain Death, and no sailor has crossed it alive." "What an extraordinary coincidence." "What's an extraordinary coincidence?" "It's just I was planning a jaunt around the Cape of Good Hope myself." "I'm leaving a week on Thursday, I think." " Really?" " Yes, and now that... ..sorry, I've forgotten your name, has returned and the court smells of fish I've half a mind to set off this afternoon." "If you attempt that journey, you've no mind at all." " Or perhaps a mind that knows no fear." " Is that true?" "Do you know no fear?" "Well, yes, I do rather laugh in the face of fear, tweak the nose of terror." "Gosh, Edmund, I'd forgotten how dishy you are." "Why, round the Cape the rain beats down so hard it makes your head bleed." "Some sort of hat is probably in order." "And great dragons leap from the water and swallow ships whole!" "I must remember to pack the larger of my two shrimping nets." "Edmund, you are completely wonderful." "If you do this, I'll probably marry you." "Oh, yes?" "And who will be your captain?" "There's only one seafarer with few enough marbles to attempt that journey." " And who is that?" " Rum, of course." "Captain Redbeard Rum." "Well done." "Just testing." "And where would I find him on a Tuesday?" "If I remember his habits, he's usually up the Old Sea Dog." "And where is the Old Sea Dog?" "On Tuesdays he's normally in bed with the Captain." "Aaaahrrrrrr, aaaahrrr, aaaahrrrrr..." " ..me laddie." " Ah-haah-ah, indeed." "So, Rum, I wish to hire you and your ship." "Can we shake on it?" "Aah-ahhh!" "You have a woman's hand, my lord!" "I'll wager these dainty pinkies never weighed anchor in a storm." "Well, you're right there." "Your skin, my lord." "I'll wager it ne'er felt the lash of a cat, been rubbed with salt, and then flayed off by a pirate chief to make fine stockings for his best cabin boy." "This is uncanny, I don't know how you do it, but you're right again." "Why should I let a stupid cockerel like you aboard me boat?" "Perhaps for the money in my purse." "You have a woman's purse!" "I'll wager that purse has never been used as a rowing-boat." "I'll wager it's never had sixteen shipwrecked mariners tossing in it." "Right again, Rum." "I must say when it comes to tales of courage" "I'm going to have to keep my mouth shut." "You have a woman's mouth, my lord!" "I'll wager that mouth never had to chew through the side of a ship to escape the dreadful spindly killer fish." "I must say, I had no idea I was going to have to eat your ship as well as hire it." "And since you're clearly as mad as a mongoose I'll bid you farewell." "Courtiers to the Queen, you're nothing but lap-dogs to a slip of a girl." "Better a "lap-dog to a slip of a girl", than a... git." "So you do have some spunk in you!" " Don't worry, laddie, I'll come." " Let us set sail as soon as we can." "I will fetch my first mate, and then I'll return as fast as my legs will carry me." "You have a woman's legs, my lord!" "I'll wager those are legs that have never been sliced clean off by a falling sail, and swept into the sea before your very eyes." " Neither have yours." " That's where you're wrong." "Oh, my God!" "No point in changing your mind now." "The whole thing's suicide anyway." " What's the first mate's name?" " Percy." " A nautical cove?" " Yes!" "Well, he's sort of wet fish." "I'm not coming." "I'm just not coming." "I mean, of course I'm very keen to go on the trip, it's just... unfortunately, I've got an appointment... ..to have my nostrils plucked... ..next year." "I'm sorry, my lord." "I thought it was because you were a complete coward." "Don't be ridiculous, Baldrick." "You know me." "I laugh in the face of fear, and tweak the nose of the dreadful spindly killer fish." "I'm not one of your milksops who's scared out of his mind by the mere sight of water." "(SCREAMS WITH FEAR)" "Yes, alright, I admit it, I'm terrified!" "You see, Baldrick, when I was a baby," "I was savaged by a turbot." "Oh, Baldrick, can you think of a plan to get me out of this?" " You can hide, my lord." " Hide?" "Brilliant!" "Where?" "In the box!" "Which one?" "Perfect!" "Let's practice." "Edmund comes in and says," ""Hello, Baldrick." "You haven't seen Percy, have you?" And you say..." " No, my lord, I haven't seen him all day." " Brilliant!" "Oh, my God, here he comes!" "Hello, Balders." "Where the hell's that cretin Percy?" "Have you seen him?" "Yes, my lord!" "He's hiding in the box!" "Come on, jellybrain." "Hurry up, otherwise we'll miss the tide." "Oh, Edmund, I'm so proud." "You're just my complete hero!" "Oh, dear, I'm going all gooey now." "Ma'am, if during my journey you did occasionally spare me a thought and, perhaps, go gooey again, I'd deem my certain death a minor inconvenience." "Oh, Ned..." " I've written a poem." " Madam, I'm honoured." "When the night is dark, And the dogs go "bark";" "When the clouds are black, And the ducks go "quack";" "When the sky is blue, And the cows go "moo";" "Think of lovely Queenie;" "She'll be thinking of you." "(APPLAUSE)" "It's called "Edmund"." "Shakespeare gave me a hand with the title, but the rest is all my own work." "Tush and fie, my tiddly." "You didn't always make such pretty speeches." "'Tis but the twinkling of a toe since you could say nothing but "Lizzie go plop, plop."" "Put a bung in it, Nursie." "Now!" "I am sure that Melchy and Wally want to say something as well." "Oh, yes indeed!" "Goodbye, Blackadder." "I'd say "Bon Voyage," but there's no point." "You'll be dead in three months." "I love you, Walter, I hope you know that." "Farewell, Blackadder, the foremost cartographers of the land have made this." "It's a map of the area that you'll be traversing." "They'll be very grateful if you could just fill it in as you go along." "Goodbye." "(A VOICE IS HEARD OUTSIDE) What's that?" "To Tilbury, me hearties!" "The wind is in the sails, the oars are in the locks!" "And we must away!" "Lady, it is my captain." "Long on beard, short on legs." "Oh, Captain." "I wish you luck, from the bottom of my heart." "You have a woman's bottom, my lady!" "I'll wager that sweet round pair of peaches has never been forced 'twixt two splintered planks, to plug a leak and save a ship." "Certainly hasn't, and I'm quite pleased about it!" " What's wrong with women's bottoms?" " Not big enough, Ma'am." "Mine might be!" "In that case, my little pudding' of delight, let's beat about the bush no longer." "I know I'm only a bluff old cove with no legs and a beard you could lose a badger in but if you'll take me, I'm willing to be captain of your ship, forever!" " What do you say?" " Yes, please!" "I'll be back!" "We'll all be back!" "Edmund, then this is it." "Oh!" "Have you got clean underwear?" "And don't eat foreign food." "And watch out for strange men, and discover me a country, and bring me back a vegetable, and - oh!" " everything!" "Madam, I shall do all I can." "Farewell!" "And..." "Don't wait up." "Gosh." "Well!" "That's the last we'll see of him." "In three months time he'll be dead as a... dead dodo." "Oh, Sir Walter, really!" "Sir Walter..." "Ha-ha!" "Ha-ha-ha-ha!" "Not joining us in the "ha-ha's", Percy?" "No!" "I'm thinking of England and the girl I left behind me." "Oh, God." "I didn't know you had a girl." "Oh, yes." "Lady Caroline Fairfax." " Caroline!" "I didn't know you knew her." " Oh, yes!" "I even touched her once." "Touched her what?" "Once." "In a corridor." "I've never heard it called that before." "When you get home in six months, you'll be a hero." "She might even let you get your hands on her twice." " I fear not." " Why not?" "Because we'll never get home." "We're doomed, doomed!" "Condemned to a watery grave with a captain who's legless." "Rubbish!" "I've hardly touched a drop!" "No, no." "I mean you haven't got any legs." "You're right there." "Carry on, sorry." "We've got no hope." "No hope of ever returning." "On the contrary, we are certain to return!" "Because, me old sods, we are not going to the Cape of Good Hope." " What?" "!" " We are in fact going to France!" "France?" "!" "But, Edmund, surely France has already been discovered." " By the French for a start." " Well, precisely; it's a trick." "We just camp for six months, get a good suntan, come home, pretend we've been round the Cape, and get all the glory." "A masterly plan, me young master." "And one that leads me to make an announcement meself." "Truth is, I don't know the way to the Cape of Good Hope anyway." "What were you going to do?" "Sail round and round the Isle of Wight 'til everyone gets dizzy." "Then head for home." "You old rascal." "Still, who cares;" "the day after tomorrow we'll be in Calais." "Captain, set sail for France!" "Hooray!" "So, you don't know the way to France, either." "No!" "I must confess that, too." "Bugger!" "He's only been gone three days and I am missing him already." "Well, perhaps, Ma'am, I might amuse you still further with tales of my adventures." "Like what?" "Perhaps the one about the mad pirate king whose crew consisted entirely of men called Roger." "Heard it." "Maybe I could distract you with the tale of the time I fell into the water and was almost eaten by a hammerhead shark." "Yes." "Alright, try that one." "Well, Ma'am..." "I fell into the water and was almost eaten by a shark." "And the funny thing is, its head was exactly the same shape as a hammer." "Oh, God!" "You'd better come up with some presents, or I'm going to go off explorers completely!" "I'll tell you something else." "Edmund was right." "You do smell of fish." "Pooey!" "(UNINTELLIGIBLE ARGUING)" "There's no need to panic." "Someone in the crew will know how to steer this thing." " The crew, my lord?" " Yes, the crew." "What crew?" "I thought that it was common maritime practice for a ship to have a crew." " Opinion is divided on the subject." " Really?" "All the other captains say it is;" "I say it isn't." "Oh, God." "Mad as a brush." "Sir Walter's death warrant for your signature, Majesty." "Good." "Any news of Edmund?" "Well, if they're on course, they should be nearing the urine-drinking stage by now." "Don't be horrid, Melchy." "Edmund would rather die!" "I fear that may be wishful thinking, Majesty." "(KNOCKING ON DOOR)" "Enter." " So soon?" " You said today." "Yes, well, I'm not feeling very thirsty at the moment." "I had an eggcup full of stagnant water three weeks ago..." "Alright, let's get on with it." "Should we drink each other's or stick to our own?" "Is Captain Rum joining us for this bring-a-sample party?" "He's been swigging his for ages." "He says he likes it." "Actually, come to think of it, he started before the water ran out." "Oh, God." "Well, let's get on with it." "It's always the same, isn't it?" "You get all keyed up and then you can't go." " I've done two bottles." " Alright, then, pour it out." "That it should come to this, drinking Baldrick's water." "Down the hatch." "Land ahoy!" "Ah!" "France at last!" "No, me young master." "Through fair winds and fine seamanship, our vessel is once more edged up on the shores of Old Blighty." "By lucky chance, we have landed at Southampton dock." "Fare thee well." "Last one up the old sea dog gets a lick of the cat!" "Don't look much like Southampton to me, my lord." "Well, those streams of molten lava and that steamy mangrove swamp." "And that crowd of natives rubbing their tummies and pointing to a large pot." "Oh, God." "Where are they now?" "If they haven't been eaten by cannibals, they should be back any minute now." " Ma'am!" " Edmund!" "You're alive!" "Oh, yes." " And your silly friend." " Lord Percy, Ma'am." " And your monkey!" " Your Majesty." " But where is Captain Rum?" " Bad news, my lady." "Rum is dead." "Do not despair, good woman." "He died a hero's death:" "giving his life that his friends might live." "And that his enemies might have something to go with their potatoes." " You mean they put him in the pot?" " Your fiance was a third-rate sailor, but a first-rate second course." "However, we did manage to save something of him as a memento." "My lucky stars;" "I shall wear it always, to remind me of him." "However, Ma'am, I am now returned, and my mind can't help remembering talk of wedding bells." "No, I am completely bored with explorers!" "And if you haven't brought me any presents, I'm going to have you executed!" "I only let Raleigh off because he blubbed on his way to the block." " Presents, please!" " Ah, yes, Ma'am." "Well, there was one thing, Ma'am, a most extraordinary gift from the island paradise we visited." "Hurry up!" " What is it?" " A stick." " Is it a stick, Lord Blackadder?" " Yes, but it's a very special stick." "Because when you throw it away, it comes back!" "Well, that's no good, is it; because when I throw things away," "I don't want them to come back!" "You!" "Get rid of it!" "Certainly, Ma'am." "What else have you brought?" "Well, there was very little time what with picking the weevils out of biscuits and..." "What did I do with that death warrant?" "Oh, Edmund, it's wonderful!" "But what about Melchy and Raleigh?" "You must have brought something for them as well." "Nursie's got her beard, I've got my stick;" "what about the two boys?" "Um, yes, yes..." "Well, there was..." " There was one thing." " Good." "A fine wine from the Far East!" "A most delicious beverage!" "Have a taste, boys, and tell us what you think!" " Oh, it certainly has plenty of nose!" " Oh, yes, this is very familiar." "I'm sure you'll be glad to hear that there is an inexhaustible supply." "# Sir Francis and Sir Walter had Discovered new worlds and new nations" "# And though Blackadder thought them mad, He tried his hand at navigation" "# Blackadder, Blackadder, He saw the oceans foam" "# Blackadder, Blackadder, He should have stayed at home" "# Blackadder, Blackadder, He heard the new world's call" "# Blackadder, Blackadder, Discovered bugger all" "Go away!" "My lord, there is someone at the door to see you." " What time is it?" " Four o'clock." "You mustn't let me sleep all day." "This woman charges by the hour." "No, my lord, it's four o'clock in the morning." "Someone wants to see me at four in the morning?" " What is he, a giant lark?" " No, he's a priest." "Tell him I'm Jewish." "Aren't you going to introduce me, then?" "Aren't you going to introduce me to your friend?" "Baldrick, I'm delighted to introduce you to ..." " Sorry, I've forgotten your name." " Mollie." " This is Mollie." "A dear friend." " I'm not dear." "I'm very reasonable actually, Baldrick." "Most would charge an extra sixpence for all the things he wants to do." "Baldrick, this is Mollie." "An inexpensive prostitute." "Mollie, this is Baldrick." "A pointless peasant." " What about the priest?" " Tell him to get out of here." "If he comes begging again... ..I shall report him to the Bishop of Bath and Wells... ..who drowns babies and eats them in the vestry afterwards." "Very good, my lord." " Bye, Baldrick." " Bye-bye, Mollie." "Get out!" "When you should be whispering sweet nothings like:" ""Something twice the size of the Royal Barge has hove into view"..." "You don't say a word." "But enter the Creature Of The Black Latrine and you won't stop jabbering." "He was treating me like a human being." "If I wanted a lecture on the rights of Man, I would have slept with Martin Luther." "Yes, Baldrick." "What is it now?" "The priest still wants to see you." "Did you mention the baby-eating Bishop of Bath and Wells?" "He said: "I am the baby-eating Bishop of Bath and Wells!"" "Good lord!" " You haven't got any children?" " No." "I'm not married." "In that case, I'll skip breakfast and get straight down to business." "Do you know what day it is today?" "It is exactly one year ago... ..that the Bank of the Black Monks of St. Herod," ""Banking with a smile and a stab", of which I am the assistant manager, lent you one thousand pounds." "Our motto is:" "Repayment or Revenge." "Of course, and naturally I'd have paid you back, but..." "I've gone and lost my wallet." "Disastrous!" "It had all my little notes saying:" ""Forget ye not" and, of course, all my money!" "That's no concern of mine." "The debt is now due." "Not to repay a loan is a sin, and we Black Monks, we hate sin!" "Your Grace, this is my mother." "Mother this is..." "Good morning, my dear." "I hope you haven't forgotten our appointment." "Of course not, Pumpy!" "You know, I have a mind to play "Nuns and Novices"." " So don't forget your wimple." " OK!" "And, as for you, you come with me." " Where?" " To visit the last poor fool who... ..lost his wallet!" ""William Greeves: born 1513 in Chelshood with the love of Christ."" ""Died 1563 in... ..agony with a spike up his bottom."" "'Tis ever with the Black Monks!" "Scream and gurgle as they skewered his catflap for want of a farthing!" "I think you get my message." "Tell me, Bishop, let me just test the waters here, so to speak." "Supposing I was to say to you:" "I'm a friend of the Queen's and I think she would like to hear... ..about you, Mollie and the wimple." "Why don't we just call it quits, Fatso?" "I would say, firstly, the Queen would not believe you." "And secondly, you'll regret calling me Fatso later today!" "I will have my money by Evensong tonight or..." "Your bottom will wish it had never been born!" "Poor Tom's cold!" "Pity poor Tom for his nose is frozen." "And he does shiver, and he's mad!" "Oh, shut up!" "So, lads." "I'm up a certain creek without a certain instrument." "Either I raise a thousand pounds by this evening, or I get murdered." "It's obvious." "You'll have to get murdered." " You'll never raise that sort of money." " Come now, Baldrick." "A thousand?" "Pay the fellow, Edmund, and damn his impudence." "I haven't got a thousand, dunghead!" "I've got 85 quid." "You're always boasting to the Queen about how wealthy you are." "A cunning web of deceit, subtly spun about the court to improve my standing." " Do you mean you've been...fibbing?" " Yep." "My whole life has been a tissue of whoppers." "I consider myself one of England's finest liars." "A giant hummingbird is about to eat your hat and cloak!" "You see?" "I'm terrific at it." "It seems to have gone now." "Couldn't you just dip into the family fortune?" "My father blew it all on wine, women and amateur dramatics." "At the end he was eking a living doing impressions of Anne of Cleeves." "Edmund, I am sorry." "I had no idea." "I have some small savings harvested from my weekly allowance... ..set aside against my frail old age." "But lucky haps, it is just over a thousand... ..and has been hidden beyond the wit of any thief, in an old sock... ..under the squeaky floorboard behind the kitchen dresser!" " You've seen it!" " Seen it, pinched it, spent it." "The same goes for the two farthings Baldrick thinks he has hidden." "Then you are doomed." "Alas." "For God's sake, let us sit upon the carpet... ..and tell sad stories." "When Lord Blackadder is in trouble, he does not sit about." "You won't be able to sit with a spike up your bottom." "But still, I've got 85 quid and that's a start." "I'll think of something as long as I'm not disturbed." "The Queen dost demand your urgent presence on pain of death." "The path of my life... ..is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own satanic herd!" " Madam, you sent for me." " Did I?" "I can't remember." "What a naughty scatterbrain I am!" "Zap!" "Well, perhaps, Ma'am, if I might be allowed to withdraw." "Certainly." " That was a terrific joke, wasn't it?" " Magnificent!" "What, my Lady?" "I do know why I wanted to see you, I pretended I didn't." "I fooled you." "And it worked brilliantly, didn't it?" "It was terrific, Madam." "I thank God I wore my corset, because I think my sides have split." "So, why did you want to see me?" "To crack the lovely joke." "Or perhaps you don't think the Queen's jokes are funny enough?" "Au contraire." "I'm ecstatic about the whole incident." "I didn't laugh out loud because I was afraid if I did... ..my head would've fallen off." "If you don't start soon, your head will fall off!" "Now pay Melchy his 85 pounds and run along." " 85 pounds?" " We had a bet." "I said you wouldn't fall for my trick, Melchy said you would... ..because I'm so super and you're so stupid." "You owe him 85 pounds." "Fine, fine." "I mean, it's only money, isn't it?" "I cannot believe it!" "She drags me all the way from Billingsgate... ..to play about the weakest practical joke... ..since Cardinal Wolsey got his knob out at Hampton Court... ..and stood at the end of the passage pretending to be a door." "Shut up, Baldrick." "You'd laugh at a Shakespeare comedy." "Edmund!" "I've awaited your return." "And thank God you did, for I was thinking:" "I die in 12 hours." "What I really need now is a hug from a complete prat!" "But fear not, I have a plan to save the life of my dear friend." "Look, I'm not interested in your friends!" "What about me?" "Not bad, Edmund." "That's a good one." "What's your big plan, blockhead?" "I intend to discover, this afternoon, the secret of alchemy." "The hidden art of turning base things into gold." "The fact that this secret has eluded the most intelligent people... ..doesn't dampen your spirits?" "Oh no." "I like a challenge." "Well, Balders, I lost 85 quid." "The grave opens up before me like a... big hole in the ground." "Well, I did have one idea, my lord." "But it's stupid." "What is it?" "I have heard there's good money to be made down the docks." "Doing favours for sailors." "Favours?" "What do you mean?" "Delivering messages, sewing on buttons?" " Not quite." " Baldrick!" "Are you suggesting I become a rent boy?" "Well, a good-looking bloke like you." "Posh accent, nice legs..." "Just stick a pink carnation in your hat and make the old sign." "I'd rather die." "That's all right then." "I'll put the kettle on while we wait." "On second thoughts..." "With a slight alteration, your sick and sordid plan might just work." "Give me a kiss and I'll give you a penny." " A penny?" "!" " All right then, tuppence!" " Oh, all right, go on." " Nothing fancy, just a peck." "I miss my mum, you see." "When I was little, my mum used to..." "Look, get a move on." "He's a prostitute, not an agony aunt!" "Just a little peck on the cheek, and say:" ""There, there, Arthur." "Mummy'll kiss it better and you shall have a story."" "Well, I don't know." "Do you do requests, Baldrick?" " Kinky stuff?" "Yeah, I'm game." " Go on, please." "I miss my mother so much." "I mean, she was like a mother to me!" "I've forgotten what I'm supposed to say." "There, there, Arthur." "Mummy'll kiss it better and you shall have a story." " What kind of story?" " One about a squirrel, I suppose." "And then Squirry the Squirrel went..." "And they all went home for tea." "Thanks very much, me ol' shivering mateys!" "How much do you charge for a good hard shag?" " A thousand pounds." " You've got to be joking!" "Well, I'm sure we could negotiate." "Right, so we've got sixpence." "All we need to do, my lord... ..is to go down the cockfights and put it on a bird that's a dead cert... ..but has got odds of forty thousand to one." " Know you of such a bird?" " No, but we could make one." "No, we couldn't, Baldrick." "I suppose you have to be told some time." "What happens is:" "a mummy bird and a daddy bird... ..who love each other, get certain urges..." "What I mean is:" "we could get a mad wild killer bull... ..and disguise it as a bird." "It'll be such a strange-looking bird that no-one will back it." "We'll know it's a killer bull so we'll put money on it." " Only we will know?" " If we stick enough feathers on it... ..and hang an egg between its legs." "A chat with you and somehow death loses its sting." "The Queen dost demand your presence on pain of death." "You're not making friends here, you do know that?" "Madam, you sent for me again." "Yes, Edmund." "I wanted to apologise for the silly trick I played on you." "It was naughty and bad of me." "It was, my little rosebud." "If you weren't quite so big, it'd be time for Mr and Mrs Spank." "Thank you, Nursie." "And thank you, Edmund." " That's all." " Yes, thanks for coming." "That was very funny too, wasn't it?" "My Lady?" "Dragging you all the way here again just to say sorry for the first time." "It was Melchett's idea." "I think it's wonderful, don't you?" "Melchett, I prostrate myself at the feet of the world's greatest comedian." "Oh, you are super, Edmund." "I promised Lord Melchett that I would play with him." "But we have no coin." "Do you have a halfpenny?" "Unfortunately, only a sixpence." "What a shame!" " A sixpence will do just as well." " Oh, good!" "It stinks like a pair of armoured trousers after the Hundred Years War!" "Baldrick, have you been eating dung again?" "My lord!" "Success!" "After literally an hour's ceaseless searching... ..I have succeeded in creating gold." "Pure gold!" " Are you sure?" " Yes, my lord." "Behold!" "Percy, it's green." "That's right, my lord." "I don't want to be pedantic." "But the colour of gold is gold." "That's why it's called gold." "What you've discovered... ..if it has a name, is some green." "Oh, Edmund, can it be true?" "That I hold here, in my mortal hand... ..a nugget of purest green?" "Indeed you do." "Except, it's not only a nugget as it is more of a splat." "Well, yes." "A splat today, but tomorrow, who knows?" "Or dares to dream!" "We three alone in all the world can create the finest green at will." "Thus so!" "I'm not sure of counting in Baldrick, actually." "You know what your great discovery means, don't you?" "That you, Percy..." "Lord Percy, are an utter berk." "Baldrick!" "Pack my bags." "I'm going to sell the house." "There's nothing else for it." "I shall miss the old place, I know." "I've had some happy times here, when you and Percy have been out." "But needs must when the Devil vomits into your kettle." "Baldrick, go forth and say that Blackadder wishes to sell his house." "Percy, just go forth." " And this is the den." " Oh, dear." "But I have to tell you, Mr Pants... ..that I've had an extremely encouraging nibble from another client." "You know me well enough to know that I don't ignore a nibble for long." "I noticed some dry rot in the bedrooms, Timothy." "Well, Mrs Pants, dry rot is as dry rot does." " Stop me if I'm getting too technical." " The floors are a little uneven." "Indeed yes, Madam, and at no extra cost!" " Strange smell." " That's the servant, he'll be gone." "You've really worked out your banter, haven't you?" "Not really." "This is a different thing." "It's spontaneous and it's called wit." " And the privies?" " When the master craftsman... ..was looking at the sewage, he said to himself:" ""Romeo, let's make them functional, and comfortable."" " That seems nice, dear." " I think we understand each other." " It's sold then." "Drink?" " What about the privies?" "Well, what we're talking about in privy terms... ..is the very latest in front-wall, fresh-air orifices..." "You mean you crap out of the window." "Yes!" "Well!" "In that case, we'll definitely take it!" "I can't stand those dirty indoor things." "There!" "That's the lot." "He only wanted to pay a thousand, but I beat him up to eleven hundred." " You wily old trickster, you!" " I only named the price." "It was Baldrick who actually beat him up." "Percy, what is that on the front of your tunic?" "'Tis a brooch, my lord." "A brooch cunningly fashioned from pure green." "It looks like you've sneezed." "It is with trinkets such as this brooch, and here, a ring... ..that I intend to revive your fortunes and buy back your house." "You think there's a big market for jewellry that looks like snot?" "The eyes are open, the mouth moves, but Mr Brain has long since departed." " My lord." " Messenger, thank God." "We couldn't have waited another second without you." " Majesty!" " Thank God." "Terrible news!" "The French intend to invade, Blackadder." "So I need some money." "Yes, every nobleman must pay 500 pounds." "But we've decided to make you a special case." "Melchy hasn't got a bean, so we thought, as you're so wealthy... ..you could pay for both!" "I have a cash-flow crisis and haven't got any money on me." " But, Edmund..." " Sorry!" "What's that in your tights?" "It looks like just over a thousand pounds." " So it is." " You said you didn't have any." "I thought you meant "real" money." "This is just a bit of loose change." "A thousand pounds loose in your tights..." "That's flash!" "OK, hand it over." "Thanks." "Bye." "Well, goodbye indeed." "Goodbye, Ma'am." "Goodbye, Melchett." "Goodbye, Nursie." "Bye!" "Silly old Edmund!" "He was completely fooled." " That was a brilliant joke, Melchy." " Brilliant, Ma'am!" "And now I'm going to have you executed." "It's for taking the mickey out of my dear Edmund so cruelly." " I'm gonna knock your block off." " Majesty, I only intended to please!" "Oh, please!" "I so want to live!" "Praise the Lord for the gift of laughter!" "I've lost the money." "I'm going to have to run away." " Why, my lord?" " To avoid these monks!" "No point." "The Black Bank's got branches everywhere." "If I die, Baldrick, do you think people would remember me?" "People would be slapping each other on the shoulders... ..and saying:" ""Do you remember old Privy-breath?"" "Do people call me "Privy-breath"?" " The ones who like you." " Am I then not popular?" "When people slip in what dogs have left in the street... ..they do tend to say:" ""Whoops, I've trod on an Edmund"." "Bloody cheek!" "I'll show them." "Have you got a plan, my lord?" "Yes." "It's so cunning you could brush your teeth with it." "All I need is some feathers, a dress, some oil, an easel... ..lots of paper, a prostitute and the best portrait painter in England." "The most famous portrait painter in England:" "Mr Leonardo Acropolis!" " Right, are you any good?" " No!" "I am...a genius!" "Well, you'd better be, or you're dead!" "Right, in the bedroom, Beardface." "Baldrick, get the door." "My lord, the Bishop of Bath and Wells." "The time has come, Blackadder!" "The Black Monks will have their money." "Or I will have my fun." " You enjoy your work, don't you?" " Bits of it, yes." " The violent bits." " Yes." "You see, I am a colossal pervert." "No form of sexual depravity is too low for me." "Animal, vegetable or mineral..." "I'll do anything to anything." "Fine words for a Bishop." "Nice to hear the Church speaking out on social issues for a change." " Have you got the money?" " Nope." "Good." "I hate it when people pay up." "Say your prayers, Blackadder." "It's poker time!" "Fine." "Are you ever concerned that people might find you out?" "No." "I kill, I maim, I fornicate." "As far as my flock is concerned my only vice is a tipple before Evensong." "Oh, thank you." "Bend over, Blackadder!" "This is where you get..." "Drugged by God!" "No, by Baldrick, but the effect is much the same." "Wakey, wakey, Bish." "You clerics really are slugabeds." " Where am I?" "I remember...drugged." " That's right." "You should have killed me while you had the chance." "You have looked in wonder at your last dawn, Blackadder!" "I'm not so sure." "I did wonder what people who saw this might think." "Heavens above, what creatures from Hell are those?" "They make an interesting couple?" "I think you'll recognise... ..this huge, sweating mound of blubber here, Fatso." "There's no point." "We have the preliminary sketches." "We'll soon make some copies." "One for the Queen, one for the Archbishop." "And a couple to form the basis of an exhibition of a young artist's work." "By the horns of Beelzebub, how did you get me into that position?" "Beautifully framed, don't you think?" "It's exactly what happened to you." "Never have I encountered such corrupt and foul-minded perversity!" "Have you ever considered a career in the Church?" "No, I could never get used to the underwear." "I could use eleven hundred pounds to buy back my house, four thousand pounds to cover some sundry expences... ..and thruppence for a celebratory binge at Mrs Miggins' pie shop." "Yes, but first, one question:" "Who is the second figure?" "Who could you have got to have performed such deeds, to have plunged the depths of degradation just to save your filthy life?" "Percy, may I introduce His Grace, the Bishop of Bath and Wells." "Your Grace, Lord Percy Percy, heir to the Duchy of Northumberland." "Hello." "It was lovely working with you." "# Take heed the moral of this tale Be not a borrower or lender" "# And ifyour finances do fail Make sure your banker's not a bender" "# Blackadder, Blackadder He trusted in the Church" "# Blackadder, Blackadder It left him in the lurch" "# Blackadder, Blackadder His life was almost done" "# Blackadder, Blackadder Who gives a toss?" "No-one." "I must say it was jolly nice of you to ask me to share your breakfast." "It is said that civilised man seeks out good and intelligent company." "Through learned discourse, he may rise above savage and closer to God." "Yes, I've heard that." "I like to start the day with a dickhead to remind me I'm best." "Beshrew me, Edmund!" "You're in good fooling." "Don't say 'beshrew me', Only stupid actors say that." "Oh, how I would love to be an actor!" "I had great talent for it." "I was the man of a thousand faces." "How'd you come to choose the ugly mug you've got now?" " Tush, my lord." " Don't say 'tush' either." "It's a short step from 'tush' to 'hey nonny' and then I'll call the police." "God pats me on the head and says:" ""Good boy, Edmund!"" "My aunt and uncle, Lord and Lady Whiteadder... ..the two most fanatical puritans in England... ..have invited themselves to dinner here tonight." "Aren't they the most frightful bores?" "They have one great redeeming feature; their wallets." "More capacious than an elephant's scrotum and as difficult to get into." "At least until now, for tonight they wish to discuss my inheritance." "Hey nonny nonny, my lord!" "Good news!" "Baldrick!" "Why have you got cheese tied to the end of your nose?" "To catch mice, my lord." "I lie on the floor with my mouth open and hope they scurry in." " And do they?" " Not yet, my lord." "I'm not surprised." "Your breath comes straight from Satan's bottom." "The only mouse you're going to catch is one without a nose." "That's a pity, the nose is the best bit on a mouse." "That would be luxury compared to what Percy and I must eat tonight." "We are entertaining puritan vegetable folk, Balders." " And that means no meat." " Then I shall make Turnip Surprise." " And the surprise is?" " There's nothing in it except turnip." "So, the Turnip Surprise would be a turnip." "Oh yeah..." "Get the door, Baldrick." "If things go as planned, congratulations are in order." "Nice try, Percy." "But you're not getting a penny." "I would advise you to make your explanation phenomenally good." " You said: "Get the door"." " You're fired." "But, my lord, I've been in your family since 1532!" "So has syphilis." "Now get out!" "By the way, there was a messenger outside." "He says the Queen wants to see you;" "Lord Melchett is very sick." " He's at Death's door." " My old reinstated family retainer." "Let's go and open it for him, then!" "Edmund!" "Quick!" "Melchett's dying." "We must do something!" "Yes, of course." "Some sort of celebration." "But let's wait until he's actually snuffed it." "Nursie's old methods don't seem to be working." "It all started last night at about two o'clock." "I was tucked into bed having a scrummy dream about ponies... ..when I was wakened by a terrific banging from Lord Melchett." "I never knew he had it in him." "It's true!" "He was banging on the castle gate, falling over..." "And singing a strange song about a girl who possessed something..." "Oh, yes." "It's a lovely old hymn." "I think I know what's wrong with Lord Melchett." "And unfortunately, it isn't fatal." "Hurry up and cure the horrible man." "I'm fed up with him moaning." "And letting off such great and fruitsome flappy woof-woofs." "One can't believe one's tiny nosy." "The truth is, Lord Melchett just can't take his ale." "I may be a little delicate this morning, but what I drank last night... ..would have floored a rhinoceros!" " If it was allergic to lemonade." "It's Blackadder here who can't take his ale." " Oh yeah?" " Yeah!" "This is so exciting!" "The boys are getting tough." "We all remember the embarrassment of the visit of the King of Austria... ..when Blackadder was found naked at Hampton Court singing:" ""I'm Merlin the Happy Pig!"" "So what did you have last night?" "A whole pint of potato juice?" "I had two flagons of claret and a double helping of curried turtle!" "It's no holds barred with us at the annual communion-wine tasting." "For me and the boys, every night is drinking night!" " Says who?" " Says me!" "You should come and have a look at the underside of my table." " Tonight!" " Tonight?" "Yeah!" "Come on, Melchy." "What are you scared of?" "All right, tonight." "I'll be there." "Hurray!" "And last one under the table gets..." "Ten thousand florins from the loser." "Right." "Well, I'll get the beer in then." "Nursie." " Do you know what I'm going to do?" " What?" "I'm going to find out what happens at these boys' nights." " Good idea, poppet." " And..." "I'll wear a cloak with a cowl, so no-one will recognise me." "You're so clever today, you better be careful your foot doesn't fall off." "Does that happen when you have lots of brilliant ideas?" "My brother had this brilliant idea of cutting his toenails with a scythe... ..and his foot fell off." "The person we're looking for is an aggressive drunken lout... ..with intelligence of a four year old and sexual sophistication of a donkey." " Cardinal Wolsey..." " Baldrick!" "My lord?" " Why?" " I got fed up with the all-mouse diet." "Thought I'd try cat for variety." "Good, well done." "Returning to the real world:" "..do you have a knife?" "Good." "I wish to quickly send off some party invitations." "I wish to write them in blood." "Your blood, to be precise." "How much blood will you be requiring?" "Oh, nothing much." "Just a small puddle." "Will you want me to cut anything off?" "An arm or a leg?" "Good lord, no." "A little prick should do." "Very well, my lord." "I am your bondsman and must obey." "For God's sake!" "A little prick on your finger." " I haven't got one there!" " Forget it." "Thank you, my lord." "Perce, how's this list going?" "I thought we could invite my girlfriend, Gwendoline..." " No chicks." "Who else?" " That's as far as I'd got, actually." "I'll dictate." "First:" "Simon Partridge." "Oh, not Farter's Parters, also known as Mr Ostrich." " Even he..." " But he's a fearful oik!" "Takes one to know one, Perce." "Secondly:" "Sir Geoffrey Piddle." "Here's-To-The-Health-Of Cardinal-Chunder Piddle?" "Thirdly:" "Freddie Frobisher, the Flatulent Hermit of Lindisfarne." "Oh, paugh paugh!" " That should do the trick." " And Lord and Lady Whiteadder." "Oh, yes." "Oh, no." "It does look a teeny bit like trying to get out of it." "No, Ma'am." "I just want to make it another night." " Certainly not!" " I beg your pardon?" "It's just one excuse after another." "Next thing, he'll be trying to get out of having his bath." " He isn't talking about baths, Nursie." " Well, he should be." "Soon he'll be saying he doesn't want his nappy changed!" "Lord Blackadder doesn't wear a nappy." "In that case, it's even more important that he has a bath!" "I know why you want to get out of it." "I remember the last party." "I found you face-down in a puddle, wearing a pointy hat and singing." "Yes, all right!" "Tonight it is." "Oh, Edmund." "I do love it when you get cross." "Sometimes I think of executing you to see the expression on your face." "Let's make sure you've got this." "We're having two parties here tonight." "And they must be kept completely separate." "Firstly, a total piss-up involving beer throwing and wall-to-wall vomiting." "To be held here in Baldrick's bedroom." "Secondly, Percy will join me in here for the gourmet turnip eating." " Is the Turnip Surprise ready?" " Yes, it is my lord." " Then what is so funny?" " Well, my lord," "..while Baldrick and I were preparing the Turnip Surprise..." "We had a surprise!" "We came across a turnip that was exactly the same shape..." "As a thingy!" "A thingy?" "A great big thingy!" "It was terrific." "Size is no guarantee of quality, Baldrick." "Horses are well endowed, but it doesn't make them sensitive lovers." "I trust you have removed this hilarious item?" "Nothing stops an inheritance like a thingy-shaped turnip." "Absolutely, Edmund." "But it was jolly funny!" "I found it particulary ironic, 'cause I've got a thingy shaped like a turnip." "I'm quite fun at parties!" "I hide in the vegetable rack and scare children." "Perhaps you've forgotten I'm having a drinking competition tonight... ..with Lord Melchett, and ten thousand florins are at stake!" " Oh dear!" " What do you mean?" "Firstly: you haven't got ten thousand florins." "And thirdly: one drop of the ale and you fall flat on your face." "That's nonsense." "But just in case it's true..." " It is true." " Yes, all right!" "The plan is: when I call for my Incredibly Strong Ale... ..you must pass me water in an ale bottle." "Got that?" "When you call for ale, I pass water." "Percy, your job is to stay here and suck up to my aunt." "I think you can trust me to know how to handle a woman." "Right, here goes." "Uncle!" "Aunt!" "Greetings!" "How nice it is to see you." "Wicked child!" "Don't lie." "Everyone hates us, and you know it." "May I introduce my friend Lord Percy." "Well, well, well, Eddy!" "You didn't tell me you had such a good-looking aunt!" "Good morrow to thee, gorgeousness!" "I know what I like, and I like what I see." "Be gone, Satan!" "I hope you had a pleasant inheritance..." "Did I say 'inheritance'?" "I meant journey." "If you'd just like to help yourself to a legacy...a chair." "Chair?" "You have chairs in your house?" "Wicked child!" "Chairs are an invention of Satan!" "In our home, Nathaniel sits on a spike." " And yourself?" " I sit on Nathaniel." "Two spikes would be an extravagance." "I will suffer comfort this once." "We shall just have to stick forks in our legs between courses." "I trust you remember we eat no meat?" "Here we feast only on God's lovely turnip, mashed." "Mashed?" "!" "Wicked child!" "Mashing is also the work of Beelzebub." "For Satan saw God's blessed turnip, and he envied it... ..and mashed it to spoil its sacred shape." "I shall have my turnip as God intended." " Baldrick!" " My lord?" "Would you fetch my dear aunt a raw turnip?" " We've only got the one that..." " Just do it." "Thank you." "Uncle, will you have your turnip mashed, or as God intended?" "He will not answer you, he has taken a vow of silence." "I believe that silence is golden." "Inheritance." "Edmund!" "I trust you have invited no other guests?" "Where there are other guests there are people to fornicate with!" "Well, quite." "I'll just go and tell them to fornicate off." "Lord Percy." "Well, Lord Whiteadder, a vow of silence..." "That's quite an interesting thing." "Tell me about it." "Happy Birthday to you!" "Happy Birthday to you!" "Happy Birthday, Eddy-Baby." "Happy Birthday to you!" "It's not my birthday, Archdeacon!" "Well, get stuck in, boys." "Stuck in!" "Way-hey!" "Get it?" "Well, it sounds a bit rude, doesn't it?" "Stuck in!" "Sorry, back in a tick." "A tick!" "Now that sounds a bit rude, doesn't it?" "Sounds a bit like bum!" "Melchett!" "Late I see, to avoid the early drinking." "You really are a beginner." "You forgot your comedy breasts!" "Au contraire, Blackadder." "Let's wait until we get down to the serious drinking." "No, it's this way." "Here we are." " Good evening." " Lads, this is Lord Melchett." " Give him a large one, will you?" " Large one!" "Way-hey!" "Get it?" "Yes, you do!" "Large one!" "Sounds a bit rude." "You may find the conversation a bit above your head at first." "Well, down the hatch!" " I heard there was a party on." " No, there are two." " But I'm a friend of Lord Percy." " You must be Gwendoline!" "Come in." " Thank you very much." " It's in here." "I'm sorry about that." "Sorry, he's sick." "Leprosy of the brain." "Or he is trying to tell you you're wearing a pair of Devil's dumplings." "Oh my God." "My earmuffs have fallen down!" "It's getting..." "Would you like a pair?" "Cold is God's way of telling us to burn more catholics!" " Which reminds me, Aunty..." " Don't call me "Aunty"!" "Aunt is a relative, and relatives are evidence of sex... ..and sex is hardly a fitting subject for the dinner table." " Or, indeed, any table." " Except a table in a brothel." "Oh dear." "It seems you have fallen off your chair." "Oh my God!" "Your turnip, my Lady." "Very good!" "Very good!" "It takes me right back to our wedding night." "We had raw turnips that night." " What was that?" " What was what?" " That noise!" " Noise?" " Did you hear a noise, Percy?" " No." "Apart from that colossal drunken roar." "Oh, that noise!" "It's the catholics next door, I'm afraid." "I'll just go and burn them." "Back in a minute." " Yes?" " I'm suffocating!" "Now take a deep breath." "And another." "Better?" " Yes." " Good." "Mind you, I'll say one thing for catholics." "They do have natural rhythm!" " I notice you're not drinking." " I'm holding my own here." "Way-hey!" "Holding my own!" "Now that sounds incredibly rude." "Yes, well." "I never went to university, of course." "It doesn't explain why you're not drinking with us." "That's what I wanted to talk about." "What do you say to the idea of ten minutes silence... ..to get some really serious drinking in?" "Yes, I said: "Please give me silence"." "Not: "Drench me with dribble"." " Here's a nice glass of cider." " Only cider?" "I'm going to go and put some brandy in it!" " How are we all going, then?" " Not well!" "Let us discuss your inheritance." " A little drink first?" " Wicked child!" "Drink is urine for the last leper in Hell!" "No, this is only water." "This is a house of simple purity." "Great booze-up, Edmund!" "Do you know that man?" "No." " He called you Edmund?" " Oh, know him." "Yes, I do." "Then can you explain what he meant by great booze-up?" "Yes, I can." "My friend is a missionary... ..and on his last visit abroad... ..brought back with him the chief of a famous tribe." "His name is Great Bu." "He's been suffering from sleeping sickness." "And he has obviously just woken... ..because you heard: "Great Bu's up"." " Well done, Edmund." "I think I'd better go and visit him." "Perce, over to you." "Yes." "How about some sort of game?" "How about a couple of frames of Shove-Piggy-Shove?" "You challenged me to a drinking competition... ..and I haven't seen you touch a drop!" "You twist and turn like a... twisty-turny thing." "I say you're a weedy pigeon, and you can call me Susan if it isn't so." "All right!" "Baldrick, fetch my Incredibly Strong Ale!" "Good God!" "Not Dr McGloo's Amber Enema?" " A drink for schoolgirls." " Not Strollop's Lobster Scrumpy?" "No!" "It is Blackadder's Bowel Basher." "A brew guaranteed to knock the backsides off a concrete elephant!" " Naw!" "It is water." " What!" "No, but seriously, Baldrick." "You did call for your Incredibly Strong Ale, my lord?" "That's a relief." "I thought I'd made a mistake." "My God, he is right." "It is water!" "Come on, lads." "Let's give him a real drink." " Well, fine." " Bums up!" "Way-hey!" "Bums!" "Sounds a bit like bums, doesn't it?" "Drink, Blackadder." "Drink!" "42 seconds later" "Percy, I've lost the bet." "Edmund!" "Explain yourself." "I can't." "Not just like that." "I'm a complicated person, you see." "Sometimes I'm nice and sometimes I'm nasty." "And sometimes I just like to sing little songs like:" ""See the little goblin..."" "I mean, explain why you are wearing a cardinal's hat," "..why you are grinning inanely... ..and why you have a feather sticking out of your britches." "I'm wearing a cardinal's hat because I'm Cardinal Chunder." "I have an ostrich feather up my bottom... ..because Mr Ostrich put it there to keep in the little pixies." "And I'm grinning inanely... ..because I think I've succeeded in conning you and your husband... ..out of a whopping great inheritance!" "Is that right?" "May I remind you, cursed creature... ..that your inheritance depends upon your not drinking or gambling." "Damn!" "Percy, the Devil farts in my face once more." "Not mentioning farts was also a condition." "Shove off, you old trout!" "How dare you speak to my husband like that!" "Nathaniel, we're leaving!" " And you..." " Yes?" "Has anyone told you you're a giggling imbecile?" " Oh, yes." " Good!" "Good riddance, you old witch!" "She's forgotten her broomstick!" "Look..." "I just wanted to say thanks for a splendid evening." "Yes, first rate, all round." "Particularly your jester." "By the way, I loved the turnip." "Very funny." "Exactly the same shape as a thingy!" "Good God!" " Look who it is!" " Who is it?" "Well, it's a boys' party." "She's a girl, so she must be the stripper." "Oh, no." "Don't get too depressed, Edmund." "I mean, money isn't everything." "Think of clouds and daisies... ..and the lovely smiles on little babies' faces." "Be quiet, Percy." "This way!" "Whoa!" "Another stripper!" "And a male stripper!" "Oh, yes." "This is much more like it!" "And she's come dressed as the Queen!" "Sexy!" "Do you know who I am?" "Yes." "I know who you are." " Who?" " You're Merlin the Happy Pig!" "Wrong, I'm afraid." "I am the Queen of England!" "I may have the body of a weak and feeble woman... ..but I have the heart and stomach of a concrete elephant." " Prove it!" " I certainly will." "First I'm going to have a little drinky... ..and then I'm going to execute the whole bally lot of you." "Dawn the next day" "See the little goblin See his little feet" "And his little nosy-wose Isn't the goblin sweet?" " YES!" " Wait a minute!" "I'm sure there was something important I had to do this morning." "I remember something about ten thousand florins." "I think it was something about an inheritance." "Do you lot want to hear about the goblin or not?" "Perhaps I might be allowed to continue and perhaps finish, with any luck." "Luck!" "Way-hey." " Get it?" " NO!" "Oh, come on!" "Luck." "Sounds almost exactly like..." "# Blackadder, couldn't hold his beer The art of boozing he's not master" "# And I, your merry balladeer Am also well and truly plastered" "# Blackadder!" "Blackadder!" "A bit like Robin Hood" "# Blackadder!" "Blackadder!" "But nothing like as good" "# Blackadder!" "Blackadder!" "I thought that he had died" "# Blackadder!" "Blackadder!" "Our writers must have lied." "Get out, libidinous swine!" "And take that whore slut painted strumpet with you!" "May you both rot in the filth of your own fornication!" " And what did you say to him?" " Say, Madam?" "I said nothing." "I pulled up my tights and jumped out of the privy window." "Edmund, you are so naughty!" "Well, I try, Madam." "And then ten minutes later when I've got my breath back, I try again." "Perhaps we can move on to more important matters." " Must we?" " I fear so." "Lord Forest's son has been kidnapped... .. and begs you to pay the ransom." " Edmund, what would you say?" "I have had experience of this dreadful situation." "Last year my aunt asked for my help in the ransom of my Uncle Osric." "Then you know something of the dreadful pain involved." "And can suggest no better answer than the one I gave to her." " Which was?" " "Get stuffed."" "You would jest over a young man's life?" "For young man read young idiot." "Anyone stupid enough to let some mustachioed dago say:" ""Excuse me, Meester" and hit them over the head... ..deserves everything they get." " You're in good fooling this morning." " Thank you, Baldrick." "I heard quite an amusing story myself the other day." "Oh, good!" " Excuse me, Meister." " Yes, what is it?" "I said: "What is it?", not hit me on the head with..." "I've changed my mind about that Forest bloke." "He is obviously very stupid, but we can't punish people for that." "If we did, Nursie would have been in prison all her life." "A very piquant observation, Majesty." "So I will sign this ransom, but it must be the last." "Absolutely the last!" "Final." "Full stop." "Never again." "Cross my heart and hope to die." " Surely not 'hope to die', Majesty?" " All right." "I'll cross that out." "Here you are." "Sorry about the smudge." " Excuse me, Meister." " Yes?" "Oh, God!" "What on earth was I drinking last night?" "My head feels like there's a Frenchman living in it." "Where am I?" " Who's that?" " It is I, Melchett." "You really ought to get your house cleaned up." "This is no time for jokes, Blackadder." "We've been kidnapped!" "How incredibly embarrassing!" "As private parts to the gods are we!" "They play with us for their sport." "Oh, God." "Who's that?" "If anyone is going to be spoken to, it is going to be me." " Tell him, Melchy." " Certainly." "That's better." "Now, what's he saying?" "He would like a word with you." " Anything else?" " He would like to torture you as well." "Am I addressing a senior dignitary of the Spanish Inquisition?" "Good." "Because if I am," "I am prepared to tell you absolutely anything." "No speako dago." "I demand to see the British ambassador." "For God's sake!" "How can you question me... ..when you don't speak English?" "All right, let's start with the basics." "English is a non-inflected Indo-European language... ..derived from dialects of..." "How's that!" "Percy!" "Who's Queen?" "Whoops!" "Butterfingers!" " So I win again." " Yes." "Well done, Majesty." "There's definitely been no sign of Edmund?" " I fear not, Ma'am." " Why, then he has vanished." "Like an old oak table." "Vanished, Lord Percy." "Not varnished." "Forgive me, my Lady, but my uncle's old oak table vanished." "'Twas on the night of the great Stepney fire." "And on that same terrible night... ..his house and all his other things completely vanished too." "So did he, in fact." "It was a most perplexing mystery." "Lord Percy?" "It's up to you." "Either you can shut up, or you can have your head cut off." "I'll shut up." "Bastardo!" "Barrister." " Bastardo." " Embarrassing." "You're embarrassing." "I'm embarrassing." "Rogering!" "Pregnant." "Baby." "Bathwater!" "Sounds like..." "Bastard." "Donkey!" "Big bastard." "Little bastard." "Boy, man, father." "I'm a bastard's son." "Thirsty." "Thirsty bastard." "Thirsty barking bastard." "Oh, dog!" "Right, dog." "Woman." "Woman, dog." "Bitch!" "I'm a bastard son of a bitch!" "In that case, you're a fornicating baboon." " Que?" " Oh dear!" " You..." " Tu?" "Fornicating.." "Yes." "I can't really do it in this box." " Tus testiculos." " My..." "Yes, those..." " Sobre un fuego grande." " Over a large..." "Fire!" "I got it." "So, let's recap." "If I admit that I'm in love..." "No!" "Sorry!" "Head-over-heels in love with Satan and all his little wizards," "..you will remove my testicles with a blunt instrument... ..resembling some kind of gardening tool," "..and roast them over a large fire." "If I don't admit that I'm in love with Satan and his little wizard... ..you will hold me upside down in a vat of warm marmelade." "And remove my testicles with a blunt..." "Oh, I see!" "Well, in that case, I love Satan." "Oh, it's a scythe." "I don't know." "I've looked everywhere." "Perhaps..." "They're not hiding at all!" "Perhaps they've been kidnapped!" "Nonsense!" "Edmund said: "Only real idiots get kidnapped"." "Do they?" "!" "Stop!" "Forgive me, Herr Blackadder." "I have been neglecting my duties as a host." "Please accept my appoloaggies." "I accept nothing from a man who imprisons his guests in a commode." "I hope this scum has not incoweenienced you." "It takes more than a maniac trying to cut off my goolies." "If he had inconweenienced you, I was going to offer you his tongue." "Believe me, sir." "If he had inconweenienced me," "..you would not have a tongue to make such an offer." "Let me assure you, Blackadder, if I no longer had a tongue... ..you wouldn't have a tongue to tell me that if I had inconweenienced you," "I would no longer have a tongue with which to offer you his tongue." "Yes, well." "Enough of this banter." "Who the hell are you, sausage breath?" " You do not remember me?" " I don't believe I've had the pleasure." "On the contrary." "We have met many times." "You knew me by another name." "Do you recall a mysterious black marketeer and smuggler called Otto... ..with whom you used to dine and plot and play... ..at the Old Pizzle in Dover?" " My God!" "I was the waitress!" "I don't believe it!" "You?" "Big Sally?" ""Will you have another piece of pie, my lord?"" "But I went to bed with you, didn't I?" "For my country, I am willing to make any sacrifice." "Yes, but I'm not!" "I must have been paralytic!" "Indeed you were, Mr Floppy!" " Now, would you mind?" " "Such a disappointment for a girl..."" ""It really doesn't matter!" "We'll try again in a few minutes."" "We are proud of our comic serving-wench voice, aren't we?" "Just because we can say zur instead of sir." "The tedious little turd who keeps putting on amusing voices." " Be quiet!" " What else in your repertoire?" "A brilliant drunk Glaswegian, no doubt." "An hilarious black man:" ""Where am dat watty-melon..."" "I can't wait for your side-splitting poof... ..and that funny croaky one who isn't anyone in particular." "I like the one you do all the time." "The fat-headed German chamberpot." "You talk too much, Blackadder." "I think it's a case of werbal diarrhoea that you are having." "I should, perhaps, tell you... ..I have given the Queen a week to reply to my ransom demand." "Unless she pays up, you die." "Howwibly." "She will pay up." "And within a week, you die." "Howwibly, howwibly." "You find yourself amusing, Blackadder." "I try not to fly in the face of public opinion." "A week from now you'll be less in the mood for being amusing." "Well, at least I can be amusing." "Choose your next witticism carefully, it may be your last." "Guards!" "Fetch his friend." "Ein, zwei, ein, zwei..." "Oh no, please!" " We meet again." " Don't think we've had the pleasure." " You do not recognise me, then?" " No..." "Let me refresh your memory." "In Cornwall, at the monastery." " The old shepherd." " Good Lord!" "Dimkins?" "Yes!" "I was one of his sheep." " One of his sheep?" "Not Flossy?" " Yes!" " But didn't we?" " Yes, Lord Melchett." " Baa!" " Oh, my God!" "But enough of such pleasant reminiscence, eh?" "The guard has found an interesting document in your clothing." "The Queen will only pay one ransom." "Absolutely the last." "Final." "Full stop." "Never again." "Cross my heart and hope to be spanked until my bottom goes purple." "She has a difficult choice in front of her." "Not really." "Bad luck, Melchers." "Life is overrated, I reckon." "Well, gentlemen, if you'll excuse me, I have work to do." "Evil plots don't just make themselves, you know." "Dear Qveen." "I, evil Prince Ludvig the Indestructible, have your two friends," "..and you must shoose between them." "The ransom is one million crona." "Many, many appoloaggies for the inconweenience." "What a difficult choice!" "It isn't the first difficult choice you've ever made, little tadpole." "In the old days, it was all difficult choices." "Should you have Nursie Milk or Moo Cow Milk?" "But then left breasty-dumpling or right breasty-dumpling?" "Of course, it was always both breasty-dumplings." "Shut up, Nursie!" "This is very confusing." "Lord Percy, play a while to calm my spirits." "Certainly, Ma'am." "Patty-cake, patty-cake, baker's man." "You're it!" "Ring-a-ring o'rosie, all fall down." "What say you, Blackadder, I sing a song to keep our spirits up?" "That depends on whether you want the slop-bucket over your head." "Well, perhaps some pleasant word game." "All right." "Make a sentence out of the following words:" "Face, sodding, your, shut." "We must do something to relieve our minds of the fate that awaits us!" "Awaits you, Melchy." "Not me." "How's my beard looking?" "Alas!" "Shall I never see England more?" "Her rolling fields?" "Her swooping swallows..." "And her playful sheep." " About time." " Gentlemen, the answer has arrived." "Well, thank God!" "I'm sick of this place." "It's like a prison in here." "I shall read it to you." "Typical master criminal." "Loves the sound of his own voice." "After careful deliberation the Queen has decided... ..to extend the ransom money on... ..a big party." "Just impossible to decide between my two faves." "I've decided to keep the cash, have a whizzy-jolly time... ..and try to forget both of you." "Hope you're not too miffed." "Byeee!" "What?" "!" ""Hope you're not too miffed." "Byeee!"" "As you can imagine, this makes me very unhappy." "Oh, I am sorry!" "But if you gentlemen were to tell me a way to gain access to your Queen," "..I might just be able to commute your death to a life sentence." " Are you suggesting we betray her?" " Oh yes." "All right." "Blackadder!" "What are you saying?" "What of loyalty?" "Honour?" " What of them?" " Nothing." " So you will both play ball?" " Yep." "Oh, what joy!" "See how you collapse before me, great and incorruptible English nobs." "So proud of your great big stiff upper lips?" "Gloating is a sign of insecurity." "Do you want to know how to get the Queen?" "I thought some kind of disguise." "I do a good Mary Queen of Scots." "Hoots, mon." "Whar's me held?" " What sort of party should it be?" " A fancy dress." "I love fancy dress." " Nursie?" " I think it should be one of those... ..where everybody comes with nothing on at all." "Shut up, then!" "I agree with you, Acting Lord Chamberlain." "If we're to forget our woes, then we should have as much fun as possible." "What's more fun than people dressed as frogs and rabbits and nuns?" " And bits of wood." " You're not going as a bit of wood." " Aren't I?" " No!" "How about a pencil?" "Should I come as a pencil?" "You always talk like this and always end up as the same thing." " Do I?" " Yes, you know you do." "Lassie, what does Nursie come to fancy dress parties dressed as?" " I thought everybody knew." " Everybody, except Nursie." "Tell her." "She always comes as a cow." "Yes, that's right!" "A lovely cow with great lovely udders." "I swiggle around going "moo"." ""Come to Nursie Cow, you lovely little heifers!" What fun!" " I want to be a cow again, please?" " Shut up!" " Isn't Nursie stupid?" " She certainly is, Ma'am." "You see?" "We're having a good time already!" "We've completely forgotten about those chaps in prison." "What chaps?" "Ein, zwei, ein, zwei..." "My friends, I come to bid you farewell." "The guards will die of old age, but their sons will attend to your needs." "Thanks for your concern, we intend to escape." "With your information, I intend to bring down your Queen and country." "The Master of Disguise will become the Master of the World." " One thing, Ludwig, before you go..." " What?" " Were you ever bullied at school?" " What do you mean?" "This ranting and raving about power, there must be some reason for it." "At my school having dirty hair and spots was a sign of maturity!" "I bet your mother made you wear shorts right up to your final year." "Shut up!" "When I am King of England, no-one will call me Shorty-Greasy-Spot!" "Touched a nerve there, I think." "What good is it going to do us if we're doomed to die here?" "Don't worry, I have a plan." "With Ludwig gone, we won't have trouble overcoming the guards." "Germans are sticklers for efficiency, I've been watching their routine." "I've selected the moment when they're most vulnerable." " That is when we will attack them." " How?" "That is the most cunning bit..." "Ein, zwei, ein, zwei..." "This is it." "Don't forget, when they're at their most vulnerable." "Halt!" "Jingle the keys!" "Open the door!" "Greeting to the prisoners!" "Guten Abend, Englander-scum." "March to the table!" "Ein, zwei, ein, zwei..." "Halt!" "Food on the table: ein, zwei!" "Spit on the food: ein, zwei!" "Insulting further gestures to the prisoners: ein, zwei!" "Now!" "Trust me to get the hard one!" "Off with their heads!" "Ma'am, it is brilliant!" "Your father is born again!" "Bally well hope not, or else I won't be Queen anymore!" "Yours is pretty good, too." "What is it?" "It's nothing, Ma'am." "Just a mere trifle I threw together." "Doesn't look like a trifle." "Looks more like a fruit salad." "I see Nursie's really excelled herself." "Yes, she has." "I'm not sure about this, though." " What are you meant to be?" " A pencil case." "Yes!" "Oh, it's just like parties I had when I was tiny." "We had tea and cakes and venison." "Then a trip with a couple of little friends to the executions." "If I wanted my little friends executed, that is." "How I do wish Edmund could be here." "He always loved parties," "..and always, always wore very, very tight tights." "Edmund who?" "Edmund Blackadder!" " Oh, Edmund." "But..." " Have I ever missed a party?" " But what about Lord Melchett?" " Yes, unfortunately, he made it too." "Joy beyond measure!" "Bliss which cannot be counted on fingers." "Baa!" " Sorry, Edmund?" " Nothing." "Yes, unfortunately, apart from my nose getting a little prettier," "..nothing much has changed around here." "Your animal still isn't house-trained, Percy's still unemployed," "..and Nursie's one stick short of a bundle." " Moo!" " Thank you for reminding me." "Nursie!" "You've killed Nursie!" "That's horrid." "Guards!" "Take him away and execute him!" "Can anyone help me with my udders?" " Nursie?" " Yes." "May I introduce you to our captor, Prince Ludwig the Indestructible!" "Queen Elizabeth, we meet again." "No, I don't think so, actually." "Remember when you were young... ..your father used to take you riding on a magnificent grey pony... ..that you used to kiss and fondle in the stable yard." "I was the tall and attractive German stable-lad who held him." " No!" " Yes!" "Shorty-Greasy-Spot-Spot?" "You will regret the day that you mocked my complexion!" "I shall return and vreak my rewenghee!" "No, you will die and be buried." "Hurray!" "Strange man." "But how did you know it was him?" "This was the information with which we bought our lives." "We said:" "If the Queen's having a party, Nursie always goes as a cow." "All we had to do was escape, return and kill the cow." "How could you be sure it was not Nursie?" "Because Ludwig was a master of disguise." "Nursie is a sad, insane old woman with an udder fixation." "All we had to do was kill the one that looked like the cow." "That was Ludwig's mistake." "His disguise was too good!" "Gosh, Edmund!" "How brilliant!" "Welcome home." " I must say it's good to be back." " Welcome, Edmund." " Did you miss me?" " I certainly did." "Many was the time I said to myself:" ""I wish Percy was here..."" ""..being tortured instead of me."" " We have missed your wit!" " Did you miss me, my lord?" "Baldrick, is it?" "No, not really." "And me." "Did you miss me, Edmund?" "Madam, life without you was like... ..a broken pencil." " Explain?" " Pointless." "# Beware all ye who lust for fame The path of life is most uncertain" "# Prince Ludwig thought he'd won But now the Kraut's gone for a burton" "# Blackadder!" "Blackadder!" "He beats the Hun by luck" "# Blackadder!" "Blackadder!" "He's smarter than a duck" "# Lord Melchett!" "Lord Melchett!" "Intelligent and deep" "# Lord Melchett!" "Lord Melchett!" "A shame about the sheep" "Now this is a disguise I'm really going to enjoy!" "If I can just get the voice right."