"Who are you?" " I'm a... kitchen porter." " So, what are you doing up here, then?" "It's very simple." "The staff entrance is on the ground floor." "So is the kitchen." "So is the canteen." "You enter, you work your shift, then you fuck off, all on the same floor." "Got that?" " Yes." " Good." "Now, beat it." "Have you seen Raymond?" "He's cleaning the bins." "Do you want me to go and get him?" "No, don't worry." "How are you settling in?" "Very well." "I'm really enjoying it." "In fact, it's brilliant." "This isn't an interview." "I know, but it's great to be a part of this team and to have a sense of purpose, you know?" "You get into the rhythm, you start playing tunes in your head to go along with it." "You can turn the radio on if you want." "Oh, I know." "I like it." "It keeps me from thinking." "Do you think there might be a chance this job could become permanent?" "Yes, Hallam, if you can maintain your enthusiasm." "I've got to run." "I can't do tomorrow, my boy's birthday." " Maybe the day after?" " Say hi to your wife." "See you." "I want to report a murder." "Please sit." "My stepmother killed my mother." "She as good as confessed it." "How?" "When?" "She told me last week." "We had a a confrontation, but my mum died about two years ago." "The inquiry said that she committed suicide, but as you can see here they found drugs in her." "My stepmother, who was then my dad's secretary, put sleeping pills in her coffee and put her out into the loch in a boat." "She had a motive." "She wanted my dad." "And the house." "And have you spoken to your father about this?" "He'd do anything to support my stepmother." "He's her lapdog." "Nice place you've got." "Anything you need, you just call room service." "She's gonna laugh when I tell her she's got a Peeping Tom." "You're not going to tell her." "Oh, you're in a position to dictate terms here?" "I think, by some strange coincidence, I saw you there last night." " So what?" " What would your wife think?" "What about?" " I can keep a secret if you can." " I don't have a secret to keep." "You know, I was thinking about getting a tattoo, like that nice tiger on your arm." " I'll tell human resources you quit." " And what about my pay?" "Now fuck off." "And if I ever see you again, you'll regret it." "Gonna count?" "One, two, three, go!" "You knocked one down." "One is pretty good, though." "Here he is now." " Hi." " Evening, sir." "Hallam's been telling me secrets." "All of them complimentary, I assure you." "I'm really sorry to invade you both like this, but there's been an accident with one of the chefs." "It's nothing serious, but the rules say we need a signature from management within 12 hours." "Thank you." " A pleasure to meet you." " You too." " Bye." " Say goodbye." " Bye." " Bye-bye." "Goodbye." "Hallam, that wee lassie, Kate, from HR, she wants to see you." "Have a seat." "We have a vacancy coming up for front-of-house porter." "If you apply, you stand an excellent chance of winning it." " All right." " There's a nicer uniform, and significantly more agreeable working conditions." "Right." " Shall I put you forward or not?" " Yeah, I suppose so." "If you'd prefer to stay put, that's fine." "I know how much you enjoy it." "...a total fucking arsehole." "Whatever you do, don't call him sir." " What do you call him?" " "You two-faced lying cunt"." " Oh." " Hallam Foe." " Hi, Raymond." " You look a right poof in that outfit." " I miss you, you know." " Fuck off." " What's up with your puss?" " Nothing." " Happy birthday." " Thank you." "Don't get carried away." "Everybody gets a card from the lovely Kate." " Thank you, Andy." " Thank you." "Know what the best thing about being 18 is?" " You get an extra ¡Ì1.25 an hour." " Aye, so drinks are on you tonight." "Where are we celebrating?" "First legal drink." " I don't really feel like it." " I'll come for a couple, to make sure you don't have to buy your own drinks." "But absolutely no work talk." " Thirdly..." " Not thirdly!" ""The appraisal system should provide all employees with clear, linked goals to the business strategy"." "The business strategy?" "In 20 years, no one's discussed strategy with me." "Where did you get this?" ""The Hotel Workers' Union of Las Vegas"." "Who gives a fuck?" "You thought that concierge's job was mine, didn't you?" "Guess who didn't want me to have it?" "Yeah." "Alasdair." "She can't answer that 'cause she's fucking him." "Sorry." "That was a bit below the belt." "Sorry." "I like you, Kate." "It's my situation." "And the drink." " Sit down." " Out of the question." "See you later." "Sorry about that." " Right you are." "I think it's my round." " Maybe we've had enough." "Oh, please, come on." " Cheers." " Cheers." "I hope you don't mind me asking, is Alasdair your boyfriend?" "God, no!" "He's got a wife and a kid." "Oh." "And what about you?" "Are you married?" "No." "And you?" "Is there a love in your life?" "She's dead." "Would you like to meet her?" "I like creepy guys." "One, two, three!" "If it wasn't for your dress sense, I'd have thought you were gay." "You are so beautiful, I want to suck the dick of the last man who fucked you." "And that worked?" "Really?" " What does that say about you?" " That I am a gullible slag." "That's harsh." "A slag maybe, but..." "Get me another drink." "Perhaps some coffee, maybe, or..." "No." "Let's have one at mine." "It's a bit late." "I should probably should be getting..." " No, I..." "No, really..." " You're coming with me." "Please don't touch me." "I'm gay." "I'm gay." " Explain the erection then." " I was thinking of my career." " Bullshit." " Look, you're very attractive, but I'm politically very committed to the gay cause." " Do you have a boyfriend?" " No." "For some reason, I believe that." "The rest, I'm afraid, is suspect." "I'm a virgin." " That's OK." " No, it's not." "Come on, first time for everyone." "It's not my first time." "Perhaps you should go." "Look, I want to go to bed with you more than anything." "I think the moment might have passed." "I'm not sure I want the responsibility." "We don't have to... do it." "I just want to sleep with you so I can tell people." " Hi." " Hi." "You want to go for a beer later?" " No." " What about a film?" "I don't think either's a good idea." "Last night wasn't a good idea." "OK." "Sure." " I'll see you." " See you." "303?" "Yes." "Got that." "OK, thank you." "Thank you." "303, it's a bad room." "Some guy killed his wife up in 303, and guess who found the body?" "I goes in, fucking legs sticking out, stuffed under the bed." "Her husband done it, jealous bastard." "I felt bad, because the night before, right..." "The night before, I'd gone up to the room." "I got called up." "She fucking sucked my cock." "I knocked on the door, right?" "She opens it." "Tits out, fucking drunk, like, "Fuck me"." "I'm like, "Sorry, madam, I'm married"." "She went, "Aye, me too"." "I'm like, "Excuse me, madam, I'm very sorry, I can't do that, but you can suck my cock if you want"." "It's like, get my kecks off, bang!" "Concierge." "Yes, madam." "Certainly." "Right away." "Very good." "Can you go get the bags out of 405, Mr Foe?" " My shift's about to end." " They've asked by name," " so get up there." " By name?" "By name, Mr Foe." "Concierge." "Hello?" "Concierge." "There's nobody here." "We need to talk about last night." "I understand." "You were drunk, and now you feel guilty about it." "I'm sorry I put you in that position, but thank you for a lovely evening anyway." " I enjoyed myself." " I enjoyed myself too." "I..." "I just didn't expect to..." "Nor did I." "Shall we stay here for a bit?" "Unless you have other plans." "Don't worry, the room's free." "All I need to do is suck the duty manager's cock." " I'm joking." " Well..." " What do you call it?" " What?" "My... my willy." "You?" "My pussy." " My todger." " My minge." "My schlong." "My hole." "My stick." "My gash." "My bat." "My muff." "Stay here for a minute or we'll be on the front page by lunch time." "Yeah!" "Exactly." "Kate." "Moving on?" "Who is he?" " Do I know him?" " It doesn't matter." " I beg to differ." "Tell me." " Al, don't." "Al, that hurts." " Does he work in that fucking hotel?" " Don't!" "What's his name?" "!" "Tell me who he is, Kate!" " Alasdair, no!" " Get off her!" " Is this your man?" " Hallam, how did you get in here?" "The roof." "He practically lives up there." " He likes to watch." " Watch what?" "What do you think?" "You, get out." "Get out." " You sure he's got what it takes?" " Fuck off." " I'm sorry." " How long has this been going on?" "Since I first saw you." "I thought you looked like someone, so I followed you." "I didn't know something was gonna happen between us." "Who did you think I looked like?" "My mother." "She's dead." "Please, just leave me alone." "And I mean alone." "Now get out." "You're fired." "What do you want?" "I hear you've got a vacancy for a front-of-house porter." "You'll need references from previous employers." "Well, if my previous employer had known the facts, she might have decided that the good outweighed the bad." "Really?" "I did save her, quite heroically, from this bloke twice my size." "And what was the ungrateful bitch's problem?" "In saving her, I... revealed an unedifying habit, which..." "An unedifying habit?" "When my mum died, I didn't want to be around anyone." "I had this old tree house which my dad built me." "He's an architect." "And I sort of retreated there and just watched people from a distance." "Kind of became a habit." "Who did you watch the most?" " My stepmother." " Why?" "I didn't trust her." "Did you watch her with your father?" "Did it excite you?" "I know you won't believe me, but I don't look at people for those reasons." "What about me, then?" "Didn't I turn you on when you watched me?" "Or was my performance not to your satisfaction?" "It didn't always look like you were enjoying yourself." " Were you?" " Come here." "I'm a real, live human being, Hallam." "Sometimes I want sweet, sometimes I want sour." "Sometimes I don't know what I want." "My shit stinks." "I'm going to die some day." "If I look like your mother, it's just a coincidence." "Am I telling you anything you don't already know?" "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?" "Probably not." "Put your clothes on, leave and go to work tomorrow morning." "Hallam." "You don't have to go if you don't want to." " And the dress?" " Mum's." "You do look like her." "Is that the reason you were interested in me?" "No, it's not." "But I do miss her." "I really miss her a lot." "Would you like me to wear it?" "Are you OK?" " Hello." " Hello." "You've lost him." "Ready?" "Did I tell you I have really bad vertigo?" "OK?" "Are you OK?" "I almost fell into your mouth, it was so wide." "It went..." "On you go." "You want to stay off that front page, don't you?" "Do I?" "Bye." "Hallam, that's your parents here." "They're up in the Macdiarmid lounge." "What about your mum, though?" "She's a fucking stunner." "Hallam." " Thank God we found you!" " How did you find me?" "A very nice policeman called." "He was worried about you." "Well, what are you?" "Some kind of bus boy?" "A front-of-house porter, actually." "Hello." "I'm Kate, a friend of Hallam's." "Dad?" "What's happened to you?" "Oh, it's nothing, just a stupid fall." "I..." "Well, Kate, it was very nice to meet you." "If you would excuse us, we do actually have some family matters to discuss." "I owe you an apology." "I underestimated how tough this past year has been for you, and I'm sorry." "And..." "I know about you and Verity." "She told me about the clumsy pass you made at her." " No..." "No, I..." " It's all right." "It's all right." "We've had crushes." "I had a thing for my teacher's wife." "That's not what happened." " Your father's telling you something." " Excuse me, don't change the subject." "I'm afraid I do have something to discuss with you." "Shall we sit down?" "Things haven't been going so well lately." "My commissions have rather dried up." "So we've had to consider other financial options." "The bank has OK'd an idea to develop the grounds of the house." "Our plan is to transform the wasteland around the loch" " into eco-housing." " Why are you telling me this?" "Consulting you is a condition of your mother's will." "And what about Lucy?" "Lucy has already given her consent." "Think Mum would have approved?" "I wouldn't be doing this if I had any alternative." " Now, please, hear us out." " Dad, she killed my mother." "That's why I went to the police." "Don't be ridiculous." "You've got yourself into a muddle." "You cannot blame Verity for everything." "Can't you see you're being manipulated, huh?" " Hallam, please!" " It's OK." "While you've been enjoying yourself with your look-alike," "I have been combing your father's books, and he's in big trouble." "He's ¡Ì800,000 in debt." "He's being sued..." "He's being sued by two clients." "He needs your help." "You murdered my mother, and you admitted it." "I wasn't there the night she died!" "Oh, I see." "So you've got yourself an alibi now?" "Whatever... happened between us was a mistake, and I'm sorry." "I thought that Julius and I could start afresh, but that was never gonna happen with you and Lucy in the house treating me like an impostor, and I know that's no excuse, but please just try to see things from my perspective." "You've treated me like a white-trash, gold-digging whore from day one." "And that's exactly what you are." "How is it with your look-alike?" "Do you feel like you're fucking Mummy?" "Does it feel like you're fucking Mummy?" "Does it?" "Does it feel like you're fucking Mummy?" "Hallam?" "Help!" "Help!" "Get off!" "Help!" "Get off!" "I hate you." "I hate you." "I hate you." "I hate you." "I made a mistake." "It's all right." "Come on." "Good God!" "What did he do?" "You need to talk to him." "If you must blame someone, it was me that took a hammer to the boat to stop your mother going out in it, but... she just went swimming instead." "So what did you do?" "It had been going on for months, and I was tired." "Dad!" "What did you do?" "I did nothing." "I heard her..." "rummaging in her medicine cabinet, and I heard her go out the back door." "And I did nothing." "I gave up." "But it was her choice." "The final victory in her war against me." " What about me?" " Oh, she loved you, Hallam." "Not enough to stick around." "And that's why you've been so angry." "I know." "Don't worry, I'm not looking for my job back." "How are you?" "Better." "Thank you." " I sorted a few things out." " I'm glad." "Can I come in?" "Now is not an ideal time." "I'm crap at relationships anyway." "You'll soon find someone to help you iron out those creases of yours." " Guess I'll catch you later then." " Yeah." "That would be good." "Look me up in five years' time." "Will you still be beautiful in five years' time?" "I hope so." "You will be." "You're dead!" "You're fucking dead!" "I'll get my brother!" " Jen, come back!" "Wait!" " Fucking pervert!" "If that was a joke, it wasn't very fucking funny." "I'd look out for her brother." "He's a fucking mentalist." "Jen!" "Jen!" " I'll miss you." " I hate you." "Can I take this?" "This can't still fit you, surely?" " Get out of my room, Hallam." " Not without these." " Hallam!" " I'm gonna take these," " and what if I put these back?" "Ow!" " Get out of my room." "Thank you." "To Australia and great adventures." "And happy anniversary, Dad and Verity." "Absent friends." "Absent friends." "Do you know why we chose this restaurant?" " It can't be the food." " I told you to have the veal." "It was here that Julius first asked me to help manage the firm." "You mean when you were the secretary?" "That's right, when I was his secretary." " I didn't know that." " That's because I said no." "I wasn't ready for it then." "This afternoon, I put the same question to Verity," " and I'm happy to say she agreed." " Congratulations." "When was it you were first asked?" "It must have been a couple of years ago." "And was that before or after?" "It wasn't long before your mother passed away." "Do you remember what happened later?" "Your friend." "Oh, yes." "That same day, an old boyfriend of mine calls up and insists on taking me out for dinner." "Guess where he took me." "Can you imagine what the staff must have thought?" "They probably thought you were a prostitute." "Probably." " Come to the pub." " No, thanks." "Here's fine." "You got your binoculars in there?" " Come to the pub." " Maybe next time." "There isn't gonna be a next time." "You fucking splitter." "Night, Mum." "Hallam!" "I'm going!" "Bye!" "Lucy!" "Wait!" "Lucy!" "Hallam, lunch is ready." "It's very good soup." "We've been thinking, now that Lucy's gone, it's not good for you to be here with no one of your own age around." "Too much time to dwell on things." "I have some contacts in the wine trade in London, and..." "You'll have a chance to make new friends, earn a bit of money, learn something you'll enjoy the rest of your life, and it'll be a good stop-gap before college." "Actually, I've decided not to go to college." " So what are you going to do?" " I'm staying right here." "So I'm sorry if that screws up your plans." "It's as if this place is still hers." "We agreed you could make whatever changes you want, and you are." " You know what I want most?" " What?" " Look, he doesn't hate you." " He does." "He doesn't." "You just have to be patient." "I think that I should go away for a while." "I'll deal with Hallam." "All right?" " Where's Verity?" " She's gone to see a friend." "Are you in the dog house?" "What is it, Hallam?" " I found Mum's old boat in the loch." " Did you?" " Good God!" "I thought it was sunk." " It had." "When she took me out in it, how long was that before she died?" "About a month." "Why?" "Were you fucking Verity by then?" "That's what "Fancy a stroll" was about." "Christ, I'm a fool." " You haven't answered the question." " Not even close, Hal." "I was busy trying to keep the show on the road." "When you found her, had she tied her hands and weighed herself down?" " Where's this coming from?" " People who can swim, it's hard to drown." "Instincts take over." " Who told you that?" " I did some research, all right?" "At the time, I decided to spare you some of the details from the inquest." "Before she came out here, your mother took an overdose of sleeping pills." " Thanks for fucking telling me." " I'm sorry." "I know it's hard, but you have got to try to pick up the pieces." "Well, I can see it didn't take you very long, did it?" "Hal, this won't help." "So it definitely wasn't an accident?" "No." "It wasn't." "Oh, no!" "I've painted over his mum's face." "Paint all over it." " Give it here, I'll do it." " It's a single ticket." "Fuck off, man." "Go!" " Hallam?" " Lucy?" " Are you still there?" "Hello?" " Can you hear me?" "What if someone else gave her the pills?" "Spiked her drink or something?" "Well, don't you think she's capable of it?" "Why is that paranoid?" "Of course I miss you." "Oh, she'd love that." "She's already twisting Dad's arm to try and get rid of me." "Hello!" "I see you've had some visitors." " Can I come up?" " No way." "You left these on your bed." ""Today, walking past the office, I saw Dad stroking Verity's back." "It made me ponder his evening strolls"." " Not allowed." " "I followed." "There she was, bouncing up and down." "I couldn't take my eyes off the dimple that appeared on her shoulder every time she clawed at his neck." "I hate myself, but I want to bury my face in that little cushion"." "Give me my diaries back." "Hallam, you really need to move on." "I know Julius will feel the same when he reads these." "No, they're private diaries!" "So are bedrooms." "By volume two, you peeped in half the village's." "I wonder what the local paper would do with that," " or the police for that matter." " The police?" "Wonder what they'll think when I tell them about you." "Me?" "Recognise this?" "It's a hammer, Hallam." "The same hammer that sunk my mother's boat once you'd drugged her coffee." "She wanted to die, Hallam." "You tell me what you did to her!" "It's time to fly the nest, Hallam, and I think you know that." "Spare some change, please." " It's a fucking shite hole." " I didn't want to come here." "Stick your fucking castle right up your fucking arse." "What do you want?" "Thirty, 35?" "Thirty-five?" "Well, go on, fuck off, then!" "Fuck off, then!" "Whoa." " What's your name, son?" " Carl." " Where's home, Carl?" " I'm staying with a friend." "Not that gentleman you were talking to?" " No." " So, your friend, what's his address?" "Where the hell is he?" "Mum!" "Can I help you?" "Do you have any jobs, please?" "Sorry, we use an agency." "I can give you their details." "Thanks." "Why are you staring at me?" "I'm sorry." "I didn't mean to." "I've never been for a job interview before, and I was just wondering if you could give me some advice on how to do it." " I'm sorry?" " Would you...?" "Could you throw a couple of practise questions at me, just just for practise?" " How desperate are you for work?" " Pretty desperate." "Well, the highest turnover in jobs is usually in kitchen porters." " OK." "I'll be a kitchen porter." " Why do you think you'd be suitable?" "Well, it's what I've wanted to do ever since I was a kid." "Sit down." "Don't tell people what you think they want to hear." " Just be yourself." " OK." "I'm very enthusiastic and I'm a quick learner, and I'll work days, nights, weekends, any overtime you want for no extra money." "It would be illegal for you to work overtime for no extra money." "Well, give me a week's trial, a day's trial." "I want a chance to get a foot on the ladder." "If everything works out, you won't pay agency fees." "That's a win-win situation for you." "Remember what I said about the fast turnover in kitchen porters?" "You're about to meet the exception." " Cutlery, handles up." " Right." "Go on." "Hey, hey, hey!" "What is the hurry?" "Trying to show me up on your first day?" "No." "I fucking hate this job, but it's my job." "Do you understand?" "I killed a man once." "Smashed his skull on a pier." "Just so you know." "You take the rest." "I'm off for a smoke." "Don't make friends with the chefs, otherwise they'll want favours." "But don't get on their bad side, or you'll be cleaning out the fat fryer on a quiet Thursday." "They're all cunts anyway." "Except TJ." "He's OK." "Even if he is a fucking bullshitter." "Have you ever met an African over here who wasn't a brain surgeon over there?" "Are you listening to me?" "Yes, of course." "Brain surgeon." "African." "Cunt." "Aye, cunt." "Reach out." "One, two." "One." "Right knee." " Hey!" "Ho!" " Raymond!" " Hey!" " Hey!" "Oh-ho!" "That's gonna cost you." " Really?" " Yeah." " Are you serious?" " Absolutely." "Come on." "You're losing." " Do you mind if I take a break?" " Do what the fuck you like."