"pancakes?" "oh." "i wanted pancakes." "well, i'm not a fan of an empty pan but i know where to find you, pancakes stack 'em high i'll eat 'em low five or ten now they're good to go pancakes, please" "pancakes, please don't be such a tease serve me up some pancakes, please i'm gonna walk right in and sit on down you better make sure that they're golden brown the raw batter smells just like sperm" "but when you cook it, it doesn't just like sperm pancakes, please pancakes, please don't be such a tease serve me up some pancakes, please" ""with all 16 legs and 16 feet," ""caterpillar paused at the edge of the street." ""he looked both ways," ""then clop-clop-clop," ""he walked and walked and didn't stop" ""till he walked right across that crosswalk." "the very silly end."" "god, i can't believe it." "the patrick pillows, sitting here, where i have my breakfasts and brunches." "when i was a kid, i always used to watch his tv show." "and if i missed an episode, i would just storm outside and just dig a hole in the backyard and stand in it." "and cry." "aw, you must have been so cute." "and now the horsey and the homework." "pancakes, please pancakes, please me aren't siamese serve me up some pancakes ple-ee" "yeah, yeah excuse me, there is an event in progress." "hey, where's your brunches?" "shh." "how come everyone's looking at that moldy oldie?" "that moldy oldie has been beloved across the nation for three generations, and you are being extremely disruptive." "i am being dis-- he's the one being disruptive, friend!" "he is disrupting the flow of pancakes into me." "sarah, you can have some pancakes tomorrow." "what did you say to me?" "what--no, what did he say to me?" "who's responsible for this?" "give me." "kidtime enterprises." "that's going to be so cute when she's 40." "don't tell anybody that i built a time machine." "the internet is down." "i just lost tv." "our cable must be out." "this can't be happening. there's got to be some other explanation." "we bundled, brian." "we always knew this day might come." "jesus christ." "with no cable, there's no internet and no xbox live and no tv." "i mean, our only connection to the outside world is to actually go outside." "and we don't like it out there!" "no!" "maybe we can call 911." "i don't think you can for this." "brian, i'm bored." "me too." "and i'm scared." "i'm scared for us." "experience has shown, in our relationship, boredom can be like dynamite." "i mean, we could be looking at a major fight in the next 15 minutes." "oh, my god." "i think i feel one happening." "my left arm's numb." "wait, wait, wait." "what did we do before the internet?" "wait a minute." "i put all our pre-internet stuff in a box." "PRIMA maybe there's something in it." "holy crap." "this was our lives?" "that was the production meeting for later today." "yoo-hoo!" "someone here owes me pancakes!" "what?" "if you don't know what i'm talking about, then i don't know what we're doing here, friend." "well, i don't." "a certain old man spouting gibberish ruined my breakfast this morning." "oh. i'm sorry... that he disturbed your breakfast, but most people enjoy it when mr. pillows shares his gift." "his gift." "any idiot off the street can make up stories like his." "all you have to do is take two random things and smush 'em together." "the kitten and the treadmill, the giraffe and the end table, the pretzel and the power strip." "and then you say a bunch of dumb rhymes, and you pull some preachy message out of your ass, like "brush your teeth" or "don't pee on your sister."" "all right. that's quite enough, miss." "hold on. hold on." "so you find the morality lessons to be a turn-off." "i guess so." "this is what i've been talking about." "kids don't watch tv to be preached to." "they watch to be entertained." "you have great skin." "you're weird." ""all tucked in his bed," ""little worm said," ""'thank you, dad." "i love my flower." "from now on, i'll sleep at a reasonable hour.'"" "that's all for today, kids." "and, uh, that's all there's ever gonna be." "this is my final show." "you see, even when you love something, there comes a time when people want to try something new." "change happens all the time." "and when it does, it's very important" "that you be brave." "i've enjoyed reading my stories to you over the years." "and i hope you've enjoyed it too what is he talking about?" "hey, kids, be sure to watch the nextstory time with your new host, me, sarah st. claire!" "really?" "there's so many other places you could have... 30 seconds, miss st. claire." "thank you. isn't this exciting?" "i'm so proud of you." "by the way, why is your name sarah st. claire?" "mm, they did some testing and they found that being jewish comes off as, like, rude to children." "can you believe how lucky we are?" "dude, i know." "our lives were almost ruined because we lost the cable, and now we're like the stuff that comes through the cable." "the irony is insane." "shh, our new life is starting." "there's a land that i see where you all look at me and you look, look at me i mean me, specifically let's go to camera two." "why is she singing?" "doesn't that take away from storytelling time?" "we're scaling back the storytelling aspect of the show." "the format needed some freshening." "in a land where you can see me but the show's called "story time"." "w-what is she going to be doing instead?" "arthur." "me me and me yes. yes." "and then you just fold and fold and fold and fold again." "and then you've got it." "ew." "uh-oh, i think steve bear and brian bear have to go to the bathroom." "guess what a bear does in the woods." "ew!" "from party of five, i give you neve campbell." "we just put that on television." "look, everybody." "it's a real, live, homeless person." "homeless people come in all shapes and sizes and colors, but mostly this shape and size and color." "sarah." "anyway, mike is gonna keep you entertained while i go pee." "TORNO TRA 5 MINUTI" "TORNO TRA 25 MINUTI so here we are in vietnam, hottest day i ever seen, running for my life, higher than i ever been." "well, that's all for today, boys and girls." "i'll see you tomorrow, but until then, i see you." "i see you." "i see you." "i see you. i see you!" "that was so much fun!" "i love having my own show." "whoa." "seriously, you guys, your balls really do smell worse than anything." "what?" "no, they don't." "laura." "well, it's just that your costumes aren't very insulating, so any moisture build-up that's on skin that has proximity to both the genitalia and feces is going to create an odor similar to that of a rotting moose... or whale." "you guys are crazy." "yeah, i don't smell anything." "hey, guys, your call time is 9:00 a.m. tomorrow." "thank you." "sarah, that was fantastic." "**** thank you." "this is the show kids need today." "it's fun and whimsical, and it doesn't get bogged down in preachy messages." "i don't mean this in the gross way, but kids are gonna have a major hard-on for you." "yay!" "do i smell an exotic cheese plate?" "no, it's steve and brian's balls." "it's a real, live, homeless person." "i can't believe it." "they replaced patrick pillows, threw him in the rubbish bin, for sarah." "i mean, she went to the bathroom in the middle of her own show and then leaves a homeless drug addict in charge." "i know. i was there." "and... that didn't bother you at all?" "of course it did." "but i'm also really happy for sarah." "she has her own tv show." "that's a really big deal." "so, as a person, i am sad for all children." "but as a sister, i'm happy for sarah." "and as your partner, i'm angry at sarah and at myself for helping her." "you cannot-- not in front of the chocolate chip." "let's go over here." "honey, isn't having three opinions about one thing a little... kooky?" "i'm just doing what i need to stay balanced in a complicated situation." "and you should too." "maybe it would help relieve your anger if you talked to some people that feel the same way you do." "oh, you mean, like, some sort of group or something." "yeah. you could meet up, talk about your anger, take some kind of action." "laura, that is such a good idea." "and you really wouldn't mind if i tried to get the show that you're on cancelled?" "jay, i would mind if you didn't try to get the show i'm on cancelled." "concerned parents groups-- america's largest supplier of natural hysteria-- are squawking about the children's show, "story time with sarah st. claire"." "they call it irresponsible." "with us tonight are suzette williams, jay mcphereson, and xavier peretti from the citizens' group," ""Famiglie per la Lettura come Occasione di Scambio Culturale e Intrattenimento", noti anche come F.L.O.S.C.I., and sarah st. claire, host of "story time with sarah. st. claire"." "now, jay, you want to start us off here with some outrage?" "well, bill," "Io, come tutti gli altri membri F.L.O.S.C.I. abbiamo davvero a cuore i bambini." "and the question is, what does miss st. claire care about?" "well, we believe that she cares only for herself and being on television." "of course, that begs the question and the observation that you yourself are on television right now." "well, no, it's because she-- sarah, how do you respond?" "mr. mcphereson claims that my show is bad for children, and yet his breath is bad for everyone." "where's the group for that?" "where's the group against that?" "bill, bill, if i could just jump in here-- bill, can we please get to the issue?" "sarah st. claire's show is vulgar and vapid." "she has absolutely no message at all." "and that sends a terrible message to our kids." "you have no message, ma'am." "your only message is that i have no message." "besides that, you have nothing to say." "and it was my idea first not to say anything, and she's copying me." "look, if she won't take responsibility for the children's welfare, then at least the network should." "jay, you've spent all this time howling about a television show when you could really be howling about an actual children's issue." "well, you obviously don't understand how destructive her show really is." "i mean, in one episode, she forced the kids to watch as she took an ambien and went to sleep that was our nap time." "no, that's not funny." "i would just like to make the point-- her show is an assault on american youth!" "how dare you?" "bill, i will not sit here and be insulted by a woman of her hair." "now if you will excuse me, there are children sitting in front of tvs without me on it." "that's nice. here you go." "sarah!" "sarah!" "sarah!" "that was so good." "sarah, both of you were so good." "i'm so proud of both of you." "but, sarah, you could try to have some kind of message." "oh, message?" "like what?" "don't grow a mustache, or you'll turn into a dumb idiot that ruins everything?" "you want to talk about mustaches?" "yeah. here's a message." "maybe you could teach children how one person can love two people who see the world very differently." "head's up!" "all right, guys, you got your notebooks and your pens." "all right, eagle eyes." "let's do some good." "hello, children, a terrible thing happened to me this week." "and i learned my lesson, and now i want you to learn my lesson, so today instory time, we're gonna have a new book about safety, entitled "why don't necks have bone going all around them?"" "there's so much important stuff in there." "like our tongues... seems like this show is crapping the bed, and we've got out internet back up." "so why don't we go home and play a little brutal legend?" "yes." "new song time, everybody." "sing along with me." "necks should have protection necks are not for fun would it have killed god to put more bones in there than none?" "everybody pray everybody pray and pray and pray and pray for bones in necks today necks!" "that's a little too graphic." "yeah, it's terrifying." "we're all so vulnerable, neck-wise." "but there is a way we can protect ourselves." "it's easy. all we need is love, education, and wooden mittens." "just get some wooden mittens, put them on... okay." "and then place them over your neck, one over the other." "if you do this, you should be pretty safe." "otherwise, you definitely might die." "we need to talk about the creative direction of your recent shows." "there seems to be a somewhat excessive focus on necks." "no, that's not true. i just did a story about a little bird." "it was calledthe little bird and the vulnerable neck." "look, this is show business, sarah, not show necks." "it'sstory time, not neck time." "you're sarah st. claire, not neck neck neck." "boy, i know what michael jackson went through." "i guess i should have expected this, knowing what i know about america." "everybody says you need a message, and then the second you have one, it's... all this stuff with the necks, i don't know much where to go from here." "the show doesn't make me angry anymore." "i just feel sorry for her." "yeah, and what's the deal with the wooden mittens?" "does anybody get that?" "no. no one does." "it's very confusing." "guys, this really kills me, but... motion to disband." "but come on, guys, we had a good run, huh?" "i mean, heck, look at this." "hey, i'm sarah silverman." "i like poo." "i like talking to kids and giving bad advice." "**** boy, i have a great idea." "i'll make some wooden mittens." "that knife went into the wood." "the powers that be have asked me to stop talking about a certain subject matter on this show." "how could a person this crazy have such nice skin?" "i won't stop." "not until i see every single child with wooden mittens over their necks, one over the other." "sarah." "it's over. the end." "i am pulling the plug. arthur." "it's all on one plug?" "yeah." "We bundle." "Sarah." "I was wrong." "And you were right." "You saved my life, Sarah." "And, heck, you saved all of our lives." "You made me start thinking about how vulnerable the neck is." "Why doesnt the rib cage come down further?" "Also, eyeballs." "The eyelid is a joke." "Skin in general is so fragile." "Why do we have temples?" "wooden mittens protect your throat" "****" "***" "And the *** get that on that day, and they sided together to send her away." "And the old man came back from where he'd been waiting, to find his old friends celebrating." "The very silly end." "Yay!" "Bitch." "Am i crazy or is he talking to you?"