"Is it too tough, Fenstermacher, huh?" "Instead of skipping meetings, why don't you just quit?" "Focus on your philosophy full-time." "Read your Plato, drink your espresso eat all the cheese you want." "Come on..." "Football, the systematic violation of the Geneva Convention made into a sport." "I'm surprised the ASPCA doesn't protest." "Like these ladies, "We go to Hearst." "Go ahead and rape us."" "Oh, boy." "Nudity." "If you have words written on yourself, it's not nudity, it's political speech." "Taking control of one's body to turn the objectifying male gaze back on itself..." "Okay." "No more college for you." " So, Logan, see you at the party?" " Absolutely." "Bring your friend if you want." " New friends?" " Yeah, from weightlifting class." "Right, it's the only class you never miss." "So, what, you guys, like, spot each other doing squat thrusts and stuff?" "And have group sex in the showers." "What is this, jealous?" "Oh, jealous would involve piano wire." " So, what was that?" " That was mild annoyance at the fact that two gym buddies invite you to a party and you're there already." "But whenever I wanna do something interesting, you're busy." "Interesting like some fossil wheezing through a novel?" "First, Martin Amis isn't a fossil, and second, yes, it's college." "We're supposed to expand our horizons past video games and binge drinking." " My horizons go slightly beyond that." " Great." "So how about tonight we check out the art major group show?" "I'm busy." "No, really, I have a class till 10 but you could come by afterwards." "We could write on ourselves, get real political." "That's what a girl likes to hear." ""Darling, do all the weird crap you like, just don't be late for the booty call."" " How do you think that sounds?" " I think it sounds romantic." "You also think weightlifting is an actual class." "Bye." "I've got errands." "What are you doing?" "The guy in the SUV looks like he digs magic, so I'm getting my doves." "I'm leaving, what do you think?" "My shift ended half an hour ago, man." " Not till Rayray gets here." " Screw you." "I've been washing..." "Hey." "No lip." "Work, or it's back to Chino." "Hey, hey." "I hit my boss once." "Wasn't quite worth the extra year." "Right?" "Guess I'll go wash some spoiled bitch's graduation gift from daddy, huh?" "I'm not spoiled, and technically it wasn't for graduation." "What about the bitch part?" "That depends on who you ask." "How are you, Weevil?" "I haven't seen you..." "Since that awkward arrested for murder incident?" "Yeah, I remember." " You plea-bargained down to assault?" " Now I'm working at the carwash." "Which, as it turns out, is not as fun as the song might sound." "Shoot." "Hello." "Sure." "Okay." "And I'm being called in to see the dean of Hearst College." "Leopard didn't change her spots, I see." " I wonder if Hearst knows about..." " Hey." "You think I'm paying you to harass the ladies?" "Screw off again and you're out on your ass, cholo." " You got me?" " Weevil, don't." "I got you." "Now what should I do with you, huh?" "You should let me go, so I can call your parole officer." "I didn't change my spots either." "Nice seeing you, V." "That's messed up." "No, no, look, I don't wanna be one of those mumbly college radio emo-rocker guys who just..." "All they wanna do is play their band's demo." "Though I should mention that my band really is quite good." "We're called Black Licorice, which is really cool because it's dark and moody but at the same time it's candy." " So you're pitching what exactly?" " A call-in show." "Political affairs, cultural affairs, whatever affairs." "Witty, smart, a little crazy." "It's like Jon Stewart meets Crossfire." "If Jon Stewart didn't hate Crossfire." "And..." "Hey, Trish." "Sorry." "But you didn't see a big three-ring binder lying in my room this morning?" " No." "What's wrong?" "No, it's nothing." "I'm just dead." "Dean O'Dell?" "They said you wanted to see me." "We can download pictures from the surface of the moons of Jupiter onto phones but we can't keep the air conditioner in this office running for more than a week." "Is there some clue about the human predicament buried in that fact?" "I'm a freshman, I only recently figured out where Waldo was." "Please, sit." "Your kids?" "My wife, my son from a previous marriage, and my stepson." "Mrs. O'Dell was my grad student back when you could do things like that." "So, Ms. Mars it's rare when a freshman makes quite as big a splash as quickly as you have." "Well done." "I'm talking about the Free Press article." "The sorority exposé, a sharp piece of writing." "Thanks." "Actually, the editor took some liberties..." "You wrote that a source told you that the house mother got her pot seeds from a staff member here." "I want to know who said it and who that staffer was." "Actually, Dean O'Dell, I think that's covered under..." "Protection of sources." "A fine thing for the New York Times." "But I want that name." "So you can tell me or I'll have you expelled from Hearst College." "I wouldn't give Dean O'Dell the name of my source." "He gave me a week to change my mind." "Piz, what are you doing here?" "Wallace told me you worked at the information desk and..." "You need some information?" "Okay." "Slugs have four noses." "That's what I'm offering today." "I actually need a favor." "My future mentor in radio, knock on wood has a boyfriend with a problem, and I'm trying to impress her." "Our football playbooks aren't supposed to leave the athletic complex." "But I missed a few meetings for a lecture, I needed to catch up so I had it in my bag." "We turn in each week's game plans and new plays on Mondays." "If I don't have it, they're gonna use it to yank my scholarship." "So staying on the team is worth $500, which is my fee." "That's what you charged me." "It was your friends' rate." "It was my friends of friends' rate, which I've extended to friends of friends of friends." "Fine." "I mean, I can't go to the cops, it would just be admitting I lost it." "Or worse, it was stolen." "Stolen, like by another team?" " Or someone who wants him off the team." " She's talking about my coach." "I was a big deal coming out of high school, started here as a freshman but then I tore my ACL, and now I don't see much playing time." "As far as coach is concerned, I'm just a waste of a scholarship." "So tell me every place you could have lost it every person who could have taken it." " It was in my bag the whole time." "I didn't have time to study it." "I never unzipped it." " This bag?" " Yeah." "I mean, I had it all night." "I met Trish, and we went to the art show at the student union." "Her friend Larry had a few masterpieces on display." "Then I went back to my room, and my buddy Pop Brian Popovich, stopped by to play "Guitar Hero."" " Dude, that game rocks." " Yeah, it does." "Pop's my best friend from the team." "I was there the rest of the night." "The only other people I saw were these cheerleaders who dropped by." "They brought popcorn for Pop." "Cheerleaders are clever that way." "I have no idea where it went but if I lose that scholarship..." " Kurt, we'll figure out another way." "I got the whole Pell grant thing worked out, and your grades are great." "I don't wanna get thrown off the team." "Love of the game." " I need that book." " Or a reasonable facsimile thereof?" "Maybe it's easier to just get a new playbook for you to turn in." "Veronica Mars, modern college girl on the go." "Dick Casablancas, Neolithic college boy on the sauce." "Okay." "Not sure what Neolithic is, but, hey, I'm in college." " Maybe someone will teach me." " Actually, don't you have class now?" "Intro Econ with Logan, right?" " It was a walk." " A what?" "If the prof doesn't show within 5 minutes, you're free to leave." "It's a college rule." "Look it up." "No messages." "Where's Logan?" "Nailing other chicks." "You look busy." "Probably tough with me around less." " All that stuff piling up?" " Somewhat, yes." "I bet you'd be pretty psyched if I found someone who could help." "The level of the psyched would depend on the someone." "Eli Navarro." " Remember?" " You mean Weevil?" " No, Veronica, please." " Dad, I'm serious." "I don't know, all those times I arrested him he never struck me as great secretary material." " Didn't he get busted for murder?" " Assault." "See, so he's not even a very good murderer." " No way, Veronica." " You know how parole works." "If he's not employed by his next meeting, he goes back to jail." " I'm not running a charity, honey." " Don't make me do the stare." "Hello." "Yeah, that's us." "Hold on." " Hey, are you here?" " Who is it?" "Who's this?" "Margaret Federbush?" "Margaritte Federbush." "Just take a message." "I gotta take a message." "All right." "She'll call back." "A shoe warehouse out east of Grange." "Stock's been disappearing." "Manager thinks that one of the security guys might be embezzling." "Delivery's coming in, so you gonna stake the place out tonight." " You familiar with these things?" " Yeah, toasters, right?" " Yeah, yeah, yeah." " So the money shot we want is a security guy loading shoes in the middle of the night." "You got it?" "I got it." "It turns out getting a new playbook isn't as simple as running off a new copy." "According to Kurt, they're printed out on Athletic Department stationery  with an ID number that changes from week to week and player to player." "They said you guys had a trainer?" "Alison Shavone totally thrashed my ankle, the little bitch." "That way." "World's slowest printer." "Thanks for meeting with me, coach." "Not a problem." "What's on your mind?" "I just wanted to let you know that Sonoma made me an offer." "I love it here, but they're giving me a full ride." "Wait a minute." "We can work something out." "You know, I'll make room for you to stay, Pop." "What...?" "What is that?" "What's printing?" "Oh, my God." "What in God's name...?" "Oh, I'm so just..." "Oh, I'm so embarrassed." "It's a hazing thing and my sorority said I had to break in and steal a jock." "The little underwear, not, like, kidnap an athlete." "God." "So do you think maybe I could borrow one for an hour or two?" "Collecting jocks, are we?" "You now have the most colorful disciplinary file in the freshman class." "How about you give me that name and we'll start over with a clean slate?" " I said I'm not giving up the name." " And I said I'll have you expelled." "And I said I'm not giving up the name." "Is this how this works?" "I am sorry, but I can't sit out there any longer without speaking up." " We were just finishing up." " It's insulting." "You call us for a meeting, and you strand us with those Lampoon jackasses." " Did somebody say my name?" " Oh, great." "Nice office." "It's good to be the dean." "Or did you call us because you changed your mind and will stop these idiots from publishing their misogynistic rag." "Idiots, where?" "Wait, us?" " Stop publishing?" "Why?" " Because it's offensive to women." "I'm sorry, and did someone say rag?" " I should really go." " You have two days, Ms. Mars." "Hey, you're a woman." "Does this upset you?" " A little, I guess." " Right." "The one in the middle, that's Claire." "They wanna rape you." "That's hate speech." "I meant more it says it's a humor magazine, but I'm not seeing that." "Whether The Lampoon's content qualifies as humor is debatable." "Hearst's free-speech policy isn't." "That discussion was over yesterday." "Today, we are discussing this." "My wife and I went out last night." "Came back to our Volvo bashed with what the mechanic hypothesized was a bat." " Four thousand dollars in damage." " We didn't do that." "I agree, it's impossible." "Where would militant feminists get ahold of a softball bat?" " Very funny, pig." " Funny you should use that word." " No, they framed us." " I should really go." "We're an easy target, dean." " Framed you?" " You think that's funny?" "Hey." "So, what am I, scale of one to 10?" "One." "Seven." "Four?" " Help me with some criteria." " Gentlemanliness." "Like how I resisted the impulse to make the so-called booty call last night." " What?" " Just the other day my dad was saying I had a thing for trying to reform unreformable bad boys." "What does that have to do with me?" "I'm reformable, good, and a man." "Dick said the class was a walk." "You could have gone to the art thing." " Wait, Dick said what?" " It was a walk." "The five-minute rule." "If the professor doesn't show..." "Dick's idea of five minutes is like one." "Ask Madison Sinclair." "The professor showed." "You mind showing me the notes?" "Forget it." "You're hardly the first girl to be led astray by Dick." "You up for something tonight?" "Maybe Noam Chomsky's reading the Havana phone book somewhere?" "I'm stuck at work tonight." "Maybe you could drop by?" "G-rated booty call in the library." "Maybe I just will." "Hey, have you seen Mac?" "She and Parker just left wearing workout stuff." "Maybe they're going on the StairMaster." "Hey." "Looking for me?" "Am now." "So thanks to the Stone Age printer in the coach's office it doesn't look like stealing new pages is a viable plan." "However, there might be something to your theory on that coach because while I was snooping around the locker room, I ran into him and..." " What's that?" " I don't remember leaving you a really bad painting." "It's Larry." " Art show Larry?" " I told you we went out last year." " But you didn't tell me he was stalking you." " I really thought he'd moved on." ""Seriously, drop that meathead." "You know you're still my muse."" "Meathead?" " I thought he liked me." " He more hates you." "Enough to steal his playbook?" "You had it at the art show, right?" "I just don't think it's the guard, man." "He don't feel like a thief." "Look, he reads comics." "He drives a VW Bug." "No, this is our guy." "Eli, that's the owner." "Not him, the truck." "The driver." "I read the file, he's been there for years with a spotless record." "Why would he...?" " Steal shoes?" "He picked up a habit." "A nasty one." "Check him out." "Scrawny guy, sniffles a lot, always eating candy." "Heroin." "And here, check this out." "He's offloading the truck." "Yeah, but check the difference." "Here he's straining, right?" "Then here it's no problem." " It's easygoing, like..." " Like it's light." "Empty." "Eli, that's..." "That's some fine detectiving." "Yeah, man, I knew it." "Once I saw the guard, I was like, this can't be the guy." " Then I was taking a look at the pictures..." " Have you slept yet?" "Not yet." "Couple lost their adult son a few years ago to a car accident." "Now they think their grandson is being abused by their daughter-in-law." "Think you can go get a few hours sleep and go back on stakeout?" " I'll go right now if you need me to." " I like the hustle but the kid's in school till 3." "What do you think?" "It feels kind of..." "Let me guess." "You're an art major." "Interested amateur." "It just looks like you're having muse trouble." "Yeah, like your muse isn't your muse anymore because she dumped you for, like, a meathead?" "I don't know what you think that's about, but I'm busy, so..." "Yeah, me too." "So let's cut the crap." "Did you steal Kurt's playbook, Larry?" "There's something I can use, a book full of football plays." "Maybe if it got your romantic rival kicked off the team." "I see, so he can spend more time with Trish?" "Great theory." "You are clearly a genius." "If he's off the team, he loses his scholarship." "He's gone, and Trish is alone and ready to cry on your bony ass paint-spattered shoulder." "Look, whoever you are, I'm not a criminal mastermind I'm just a painter." "Yeah." "Well, so was Hitler." "Now, there's a whole stack of CDs in there." " Let me see your backpack." " It's on my chair." "What's up?" "I had a little chat with our friend Larry." "Enormous tool, by the way." "Trish totally traded up." " Thanks." "What's...?" " Sure." "Anyway, everything Larry touches is smeared with oil paint." "He's got motive and opportunity so all we need is a single smudge in the bag." "Come on, Larry." "Please be guilty." "You said Pop walked onto the Hearst football team, right?" "So if you lost your scholarship, it could theoretically go to him?" " No, Pop couldn't." "I mean, he's my..." " Then how did it get in there?" "You never opened the bag." "Even if he did, he'd know to just trash it." "No way we'd prove it." "So we blackmail him." "That's the beauty of blackmail." "If I call him and he shows, he's guilty." "We get him to confess on tape, we force him to take the fall." "Please, I've only done this a million times." "So how did people blackmail each other before e-mail?" "Thirty years ago, I'd be here all night cutting letters from a magazine  and getting glue everywhere." "Now it's just one button." "And I'm ready for my official boyfriend visit." "And last but not by no means least, Thorstein Veblen." "Enjoy." "Hey, it's me." "I don't think I'll be able to make it tonight." "Come on, do it." "Because it looks like I'm getting lucky." "Hey, I'll see you tomorrow, babe." "Now here's a moral dilemma." "You have a cell-phone tracker, which cost your dad hundreds of dollars." "You went through the trouble of activating the GPS chip in your boyfriend's phone." "So is it a waste of your dad's hard-earned money and your time if you don't use it?" "Hey, guys." "Good to see you, guys." "How are you?" "Looking good, looking good." "Angela, that is a sharp-Iooking jacket." "Good to see you." "Hey, Mercer, we need a couple more bottles." "Jimmy, we're running low on vodka." "Can you do something about it?" "Nice." "That's what I like to see." "Everybody having a good time." "Split your aces." "It's 20, 19." "Dealer shows a 15." "You, my friend, appear to be in the proverbial catbird seat." "Dealer hits." "Twenty-one." "Is that what they're calling the toilet these days?" "Because that's what I think I'm in." " What are you doing here?" " I was about to ask you the same question." "First let's start out with where exactly here is?" "My room." "Mercer, Mercer Hayes." "Just Veronica." " So this is why you stood me up?" " Are you playing or is your seat...?" " It's free." " Unlike me, apparently." "Veronica, it's not like I promised..." "Wait, how did you find me?" "Easy, I just followed the pungent smell of money going to waste." "So, what was it?" "A bug?" "A tracer?" " Relax." "I just traced your phone..." " Can you move this outside?" "Hey, M..." "Mercer, you got a spread on this weekend's game?" "I d... d... do." "You must hate when people do that." "It's us by four." "Yeah, so if you don't mind..." " A friend of mine." " Come on, dude." "As adorable as it is when you do it to criminals this surveillance thing is starting to bug." " You said you'd come by." " Might come by." "Then on your message I heard all this partying and I wanted to know what was going on." "While I appreciate your interest, Big Brother..." "Wow, a 1984 reference." "Did you read that in weightlifting?" "You know, your dad was half right." "You have a thing for bad boys, but..." "Well, you don't wanna reform them, you just get off on judging them." "Which reminds me, can I borrow your copy of 101 Brooding Comments?" "I only have the CliffsNotes." "Look, I gotta run, so to save you the trouble I'm surfing in Mexico this weekend." "I'll fax you the coordinates so you don't incur any more charges." "I'll keep a journal of my bad thoughts in case you wanna stick my face in a cage of rats when I get back." "Sorry, 1984's the only book I read." " I got fired off a job today." " What?" "What hap...?" "Weevil?" "I sent him on surveillance the other night, and he did great." "Really great." "I sent him on another one last night." "A child abuse case." "Couple's son died in a crash." "They suspect the daughter-in-law is hitting their grandson, so they want custody." "What did he do?" "He finds out it's not the daughter-in-law, it's the new boyfriend." "So Weevil..." "Hit the new boyfriend." "Repeatedly." "Daughter-in-law realized what he was doing there lawyers got involved, grandparents lost their chance." "I lost the job and my chance to protect the kid from further abuse." "Oh, my God." "Dad, it won't happen again." " He really needs the work." " So do I, honey." "He's gotta go." "So is he mad?" "Actually I asked if I could be the one to talk to you." "He said he has to let you go." "It's not personal." "He likes you." "He said you're a good..." "Don't sugarcoat it, all right?" "I get it." "I'd fire me." "Man, I just..." "I really dug this stuff, you know." "I actually thought I was okay at it." "I'm really sorry, Weevil." "It's all right." "Listen, do you know anybody else who's hiring ex-cons?" "Because if I don't get a job in a week, I'm going back to the joint." "I wish I did." "But actually, if you can still borrow tools from your uncle I can get you 2 grand to fix the Dean's car." " Can I check that out?" " Guilty conscience, eh?" "No." "Actually, somebody told me I needed to come down here and check it out." "Me." "I left you the message." "You?" "All right." "So, what's this about?" "You said that you knew I'd done something wrong." "That sound in your head, Pop, it is the beating of this hideous heart." "But seriously, I'm giving you the chance to come clean." "I know what you did to Kurt." "There's no sense trying to deny it." "Good." "You're doing great." "Now we just need to figure out how you can set things straight with Kurt." " I mean, I assume you trashed it, so..." " No, I've still got it." " You do?" " Yeah." " Do you want me to give it to you?" " Well, yeah." "That would be a good start." "I mean, I don't really get the third degree." "It's just a lousy sociology assignment." " I didn't think it would be that big of a deal." " Wait." "So when you broke into Kurt's bag you were stealing homework?" "I was behind, and I thought it's not like either of us would get caught, so..." "When you swiped this, did you see a playbook in his bag?" "Yeah." "Which is actually against the rules but Kurt's cool, and I was stealing his homework." "What time did you two stop playing "Guitar Hero" that night?" "I don't know, 1 -ish?" "Whenever his girl showed up and he kicked me out." "Trish?" "Oh, Veronica." "Guess who's just got his own radio show?" "Me." "I do feel like you had something to do with it though." "You know, you helping the boss's boyfriend." "Well, it's a good thing you got the show because I'm about to make Trish real unhappy." " Trish, did you talk to Kurt yet?" " No." "What's up?" "My boyfriend has a weightlifting class and I was meeting him by the stadium and I saw Kurt." " I think he turned himself in." " What makes you think...?" "Coach Fry had him running the stadium yelling about him losing the playbook and how he's gonna be running the stadium steps every day." "You were right, Trish." "That guy really has it in for Kurt." "But he didn't get kicked off?" "I'd say getting kicked off would have been a bargain." "Thirty minutes, that should be about right." "Thirty minutes for Trish to come apart at the seams." "What is she doing in there?" "Redecorating?" " I took Kurt's playbook." " You don't say." "It's gone, and if I don't find it, Kurt is gonna keep getting tortured." "Well, the good news is I lied about that." "You wanted your boyfriend to lose his scholarship just so..." "What, you two could spend more time together?" "No." "I wanted him off so he wouldn't be miserable." "That coach treats him like a piece of meat." "Kurt..." "Kurt absolutely lived for that team and when he wrecked his knee for them, how did they thank him?" "They made his life hell." "Trish, you can't quit for him." "We need to get that book back." "Fine, but it's gone, and I have no idea where it could be." "Think about it." "We know who has it." "Where's the playbook, Larry?" " Get off me, you dumb goon." " Where's the playbook, Larry?" "Where's the playbook?" "You're entering a world of pain, Larry." "It..." "It's under the couch." "Cool." "Let's go." "I don't think it's cool, actually." "I saw him sniffing around Mercer's casino sports book checking the spread on Saturday's game." "Sounds like pretty good odds, huh?" "Your roomie swipes a playbook from his ex-girlfriend's meathead new boyfriend." "So why not pass it along to the other team and then bet the farm against Hearst?" "You gave Sonoma State the playbook?" "Larry was in on it too." "No one will know it was you, Kurt." "Just turn in your pages tomorrow." "And let the team get their asses kicked?" "After what they did to you, what do you owe them?" "I guess you don't know me that well." "I can't believe you got so much done that fast." "Yeah." "Only one of those dents is serious." "The windows and paint will take another day or so." "It's not so bad." "So, hey, the dean's a pal of yours?" " You actually made friends with somebody?" " Actually, he wants me expelled." "That sounds more like it." "I didn't figure him to be so uptight." "He'd outlaw women wearing pants." "Why would you say that?" "I figured with the cool car and the badass tunes, he'd be a cool guy." " Badass tunes?" " This was in the CD player." "Okay." "So here's the deal." "You can go ahead and expel me, because I'm not giving up the name." "Or we can drop the whole thing and I can make your problem with the Lilith House and The Lampoon and the car go away." "So you can make all this go away?" "You a big fan of the Transplants?" "I don't know what that is." "It's a band." "Look, your son knows." "I even read they had a show the other night." "Did he go?" " He's 15, he's not allowed." " I think he did anyway." "I think he took your car and snuck out, blasting his CD." "Then when he dented it, knowing you'd murder him if you found out he trashed it to make it look like feminists did it." "See, this dent is way too deep." "A baseball bat couldn't have done that." "And there was paint chipped off on the inside." "And I'm betting if you check your garage you'll find you have a can of spray paint that matches the graffiti." "I see." " So I guess we're even." " Actually, you still owe me." " Because I got your car fixed for free." " For free?" "By whom?" "By the hardworking and responsible young man you are gonna hire to fill this position." "I wrote his name and number on there." "He's expecting your call." "Hey, Mercer." "You pack your shark repellent?" "My what?" "Veronica, right?" "Do not eat that, trust me." "And what about sharks?" "Watch out for them, in the water." "You're going on a surf trip, right?" " Mexico?" " Right, Mexico." "Yeah, well, no one said anything about surfing but, yeah, I'll get you a piñata." "Now, maybe people would say  they'd never install a tracking device in their significant other's car." "But I think that's just because they don't know how." "Hey, Trish." "Did Kurt talk to you...?" "Kurt's gone." "He packed his car and headed back to Kansas." "They yanked his scholarship." "So he told them about the playbook?" "He said he owed it to his teammates." "I don't understand boys." " Or football." " Me neither." "But, hey, if guys like Kurt are that into it, it can't be all bad, I guess." "So you broke up?" "He said he needed some time to think." "You know, I had all the grants lined up for him, he just..." "He said he knows my heart was in the right place but he just can't get over what I did." "I think I blew it, Veronica." "I went momentarily crazy." "And it's gonna cost me the guy I love." "So I'll let that be my defense, a case of momentarily crazy." "Because when you think about it  no one wants to know what college boys do in Mexico." "So we'll just put this behind us for now." "Yes." "Goodbye." "Peace in our time." " Better?" " Much." "If the eight e-mail reminders I received are correct  it's time for the premiere of Piz's radio show." "And finally, congratulations to our football team  who outlasted Sonoma State this afternoon in a 24-to- 17 scorcher." "Now stay tuned for But We Were Just Talking." "Looks like Larry and his stuttering roommate really are starving artists now." "Our inaugural episode is devoted to my personal favorite Amendment old number one." "Our guests, the heads of the Lilith House and the editors of The Hearst Lampoon." "You can actually hear the smiles." "All right, let's flip a coin to see who goes first." "And it's the head of a white, slave-owning patriarch  which means we'll go with the gents." "The problem is simple." "Feminists aren't funny." "Should I wait for the rimshot or can I respond?" "Can you say rimshot on the radio?" "Please." "If I say Mr. Hartman's an idiot, that's one thing but I say he's an idiot and should be strung up and beaten." "Is that different?" "Do words matter anymore?" "She makes a good point." "I mean, think about it." "This may not be burning movie theater dangerous speech, but it is..." " You bastards." " You bastards." " We'll be right back." "You said you'd do it and you did." "It was Claire." "They raped Claire." ""The blond in the middle."" "Are you happy?" "Are you happy now?" "Hi." "I'm looking into Jack London and mercury poisoning?" "Third floor." "Aisle nine." "Is this the help desk?" "Because I need a little help." "Let me guess, you have this pathologically suspicious girlfriend and you hope maybe there's a guidebook?" "No, it's more like..." "What's beyond pathological?" "I'm sorry, Logan." "I spent my formative years watching people while they lied to and cheated on and betrayed each other, so the trust thing it doesn't come naturally." "But I'm trying to act unnaturally, I swear." "So there's that." "I thought you were in Mexico." "Yeah, well, us bad boys usually love Mexico but I was feeling a little reformed." "I don't even think Mercer surfs and I always feel bad about those poor donkeys." "Are you free this weekend?" "There's a film festival." "Incomprehensible foreign movies of three-plus hours." "Is this the help desk?" "Sounds nice but let's find you that guidebook which I think is on the dark, lonely top floor." "[ENGLISH]"