"THEME MUSIC" "APPLAUSE hello and a very good evening to you and welcome to QI. and we avoid cliches like the plague." "You won't hear me saying that our four players are "champing at the bit and "raring to go." Not in a month of Sundays." "let's meet and greet Bill Bailey..." "APPLAUSE ..Sean Lock... and Alan Davies." "APPLAUSE so all of our buzzers are blue." "Bill goes..." "HARMONICA FLOURISH" "..Sean goes..." "SMOOTH ELECTRIC GUITAR" "..Jo goes..." "WOMAN SINGS "OOH" "..and Alan goes..." "WOMAN MOANS WITH PLEASURE" "Oh." "That's a genuine recording." "LAUGHTER" "You said that without moving your legs. a range of bright colours." "And here's a nice Mediterranean one to get your started with." "What colour was the sky in ancient Greece?" "YEAH" "Jo." "ALARM BELLS RING blue." "I should've...(CHUCKLES)... ..I should've told you that it was ancient Greece - and I did." "you did." "Yeah." "Yeah. so that might have been a hint that the photograph was of modern Greece." "you fell into our beautifully" "I suppose. cos it's sort of faded a little bit over time?" "it might have done." "LAUGHTER they call something else." "no - the ancient Greeks didn't call anything blue." "they didn't call anything blue." "They didn't have colours?" "BILL:" "No word for blue." "but they didn't have a word for blue." "That's quite right." "No word for blue?" "What do they say - "the sky?" Bronze." "they called it the bronze" "Homer called it bronze-coloured." "I've got no time for these Greeks." "you wouldn't be here." "that's so rubbish!" "You say this every week." "Because it's true!" "What do you mean we wouldn't be here? logic- ending up with me." "you are nothing." "I know that better than anybody." "There wouldn't be a word for television...a Greek word. because it's both Latin and Greek." "It's a hybrid word." "Aww." "you see." "They call it a chimeric word and the "vision" is Latin." "the Saxon word for television would be something like..." ""boxy light." "because the German - it would be "Fernsehen." "yeah." "Sean!" "bronze and white?" "the modern Greeks." "we don't like them." "Not that blue didn't exist - they didn't have a word for it." "I would be here without the ancient Greeks." "I wonder. because of you English people destroying our natural culture" "I don't know our own language." "yes." "I must apologise for that." "Cruel imperial invader!" "My great-grandfather was forced to flee Cardiff and set up a restaurant in the East End." "LAUGHTER" "Alan?" "There is no Welsh word for blue." "Well..." "I'm sure there is!" "There isn't." "There is no word" "BILL:" "There is - but you can't say it." "So when did they hand over?" "When did ancient Greece hand over to modern Greece?" ""There you go." "Go on." "alright?" "there you go." "For a starter."" "It's a very interesting question." "They used to believe - some Darwinians believed - the ancient Greeks that you and I talk about every day." "They actually believed but it's now essentially perceived that they didn't really find any use YEAH darling?" "Am I boring you?" "Losing the will to live a bit." "LAUGHTER I'm so sorry." "I'm so sorry." "APPLAUSE" "Al?" "Hey?" "It's just that..." "WOMAN MOANS WITH PLEASURE" "I think." "LAUGHTER Very good." "very good." "Nice one. which is red. but colour is just one way of describing tones." "look at this picture." "What does a rainbow look like from the other side?" "You can't see it." "SEAN:" "Slightly different." "BILL:" "Yeah." "Just slightly different." "Not...it's not...it's nice." "But it's not quite as...(GESTURES)." "But it's not quite the same." "uh." "but it's alright." "(LAUGHS) It's an opposite." "I wouldn't bother going round to look at it." "it's better this side." "It is a long journey. look at it from this side." "for which you'll get some points." "You can only see it from..." "BILL:" "From the side that you're on." "LAUGHTER ..yeah." "you wouldn't be able to see it." "there is a very particular way you can actually see" "It's to do with where the rain is and where you are." "and where you are." "There has to be sun." "And rain." "And the sun has to be behind you." "Yeah. and coming back to your eye. YEAH" "Can you tell me at what point in time human beings were actually able to sing a rainbow?" "Ah." "Is there a song about singing a rainbow?" "ALAN AND JO: # I can sing a rainbow Sing a rain... # wasn't there?" "# Grey and grey and grey and grey" "# Grey and grey and grey I can sing a wood louse. # it's like that." "LAUGHTER very good. your finger will fall off." "for God's sake." "I know." "are they?" "They aren't." "though." "BILL:" "Yeah." "incidentally - what do you know about indigo?" "purple." "It's a funny colour." "Do you remember- um..." "Silence?" "No." "Could you sing that song instead?" "actually- It's the colour of audacity." "talking like that." "stop it." "isn't it?" "isn't it a fertility thing?" "it's an Indian plant that was used for dyeing." "In what sense would it be a fertility thing?" "in circles." "when they're ready?" "That may be impetigo." "Like bands." "Are we thinking of impetigo?" "Oh." "It comes up on women's legs?" "BILL:" "Garters." "Garters are what you're thinking of." "ALAN: "When they're ready!" Is it impetigo?" "indigo - it's a dark blue dye used for such things as jeans and police uniforms." "take the piss out of Newcastle?" "Haven't got any toilets." "They've got no toilets and they hold it in." "they can hold it in till they go on holiday." "like that." "Aunty." "Can't wait." "Interesting theory." "Is that wrong?" "Is it that the urine is exceptionally pure because of the filtering process of brown ale?" "Used to be very pure." "Right." "is." "Newcastle was a major exporter of piss." "Ah!" "In the 18th century." "What does urine contain?" "Ammonia." "BILL:" "Uric acid." "good." "And some sort of infection thing." "you gotta pee on your leg. which was that I introduced the question by saying..." "Anaesthetic." "..indigo was used..." "A dye." "..for such things as policemen's uniforms - yes." "A dyeing agent." "Ammonia was used in the dyeing industry." "and came out with these dyes." "was wee-wee." "Do you think you could- has anyone ever weed into their own mouth?" "it's easy." "You can be certain people have done it." "I've seen babies do that." "It's very funny." "having been changed..." "We used to go high up the wall." "..and they pee into their mouth. and then a window." "Yes." "Which was quite high." "Mmm-hmm." "And my friend Danny - "The Squirt"..." "LAUGHTER could wee out of the window." "Wow." "the fact of the matter which were collected wee-kly - ah." "the reason that policemen's uniforms used to be such a rich and impressive hue ultimately." "have you all enjoyed your sweeties?" "Yeah." "Yes." "Good." "Which colour did you like best?" "that's interesting. will say red. in fact." "It's a food addictive." "This is E120 colourant." "My question is what is E120 made from?" "YEAH" "A beetle of some sort." "SIRENS SOUND" "No." "We rather predicted you would say that." "because you're almost right." "right." "Well... then?" "because we covered it..." "Bugs suck things." "you did remember." "Five points for remembering." "What do beetles do?" "They don't suck." "They can't." "they're an order of insects." "Yeah." "alright?"" "bug" is not just American slang for any insect." "scientific word." "how lovely." "mandibles." "Right." "You answered to that like it was your nickname." "Yes?"" "LAUGHTER "How can I help you?"" "um- It was his nickname at school." "Mandibles" Fry." "which is also called... yes." "of course." "Phew." "..is that it is made from crushed insects." "as I say." "000 of them to make one pound of cochineal." "We've moved away from cochineal because those people who don't like eating animals when it turned out they had dead animals in them." "they're not kosher." "except in Smarties." "you're still eating the crushed- with the red ones." "for example. and it makes some people hyperactive!" "it's an interesting issue." "Can I stop you there?" "Yep." "Changed my mind." "there you are." "Never mind." "Tough." "Where did the whole notion of crushing beetles arise?" "These foods are just not the right colour." "I need a bit more pizzazz in my lunch." "don't you?" "you're pounding maize in Mexico - which is where this thing started - and a few of these beetles that live- they're all over the place in Mexico." "Right." "Accidentally fall in." "it goes a rather beautiful pink colour." "I like this new maize cake." "Wait a minute."" "This pink polenta." "crushing animals and slowly worked their way down to beetles?" "crushing a squirrel." "that colour." "Next animal." "look!" "SMOOTH ELECTRIC GUITAR" "You've set your buzzer off." "That's what I'd imagine." ""I love this pink polenta." "I love it!" "So you think- "I want-a some pink po-len-ta!"" "So you think this happened do you?" "LAUGHTER" "Oh!" "Alan!" "(GROANS THEATRICALLY)" "He got you." "That was a good one." "Hats off." "Are you telling me the Incas talked like Oxbridge graduates?" "it's really" "I'm just going out to finish off Macchu Picchu." "Help me with these stones." "It was really the Aztecs we were concerned with." "never mind." "Jo?" "nonsense." "No." "No." "Let's move from bugs to beetles." "pink po-len-ta!" "Sure." "LAUGHTER are called..." "HARMONICA FLOURISH" "Coleopterist." "Very good!" "Coleopterist." "We'll give you five points for that." "Thank you very much." "Press him on how the hell he knows that." "Yeah." "I would- weird thing." "LAUGHTER it'd almost be like Alan would love to know the mystery of this." "BILL:" "Welcome to my world of knowing!" "Well-put." "The wonderful world of looking up things in books." "You looked it up in a book?" "I collected butterflies." "then?" "What was that?" "A I..." "A lepidopterist." "Lepidopterist." "I was a lepidopterist - as you may have thought." "and kind of kill them yourself? and they gradually..." "I know it's not- it's cruel." "as well?" "yes..." "Did you?" "..as the Americans say." "like that." "I've got one!"" "..with a flowing toga and a big net." "Oh!" "But you're quite right." "A coleopterist." "They call" "I am an Aztec!" "I was a philatelist." "Were you?" "Yep." "SMOOTH ELECTRIC GUITAR" "Is there a special word for someone who did Metalwork?" "LAUGHTER" "Yes - a smith." "A blacksmith." "yeah." "we call them. far too busy very busy." "How long is it since anyone discovered a new type of beetle?" "SMOOTH ELECTRIC GUITAR Eight seconds." "but it's not far off" "YEAH" Yeah?" "Oh...700 years." "No." "No." "no-one is forcing you to play this game." "If you want to go and sit in the corner..." "HARMONICA FLOURISH you are." "BILL:" "I release them into the wild after they're killed." "Yes." "that is the supreme irony - and ate them all." "LAUGHTER it could be five- it's about an hour. but it's accelerated. supposedly." "just not enough time." "SMOOTH ELECTRIC GUITAR" "Very good." "The amazing thing about beetles - every fifth one would be a beetle." "BILL: (WHISTLES) as it happens." "So we come to the next question." "Which is the odd one out of these three - a camel or the Sultan of Brunei?" "YEAH" Yes." "Is it a Ptiliidae beetle?" "It is." "Correct." "You get the points." "Can you elaborate?" "I don't want to show off." "LAUGHTER" "The camel stores water in its hump- No." "I know the Sultan of Brunei- SMOOTH ELECTRIC GUITAR" "Sultan of Brunei." "What do we know about..." "You don't know the Sultan of..." "He can afford to pay pop stars to dance around in their knickers." "Indeed he can." "He's that rich." "He's that...rich." "BILL:" "He's that rich." "what do rich people have in common with camels?" "The ability to sustain water in their humps." "YEAH" "Yes." "They're (BLEEP)ing miserable all the time." "What can they not do?" "Pass through the eye of a needle!" "Go to heaven!" "Pass through the eye of a needle." "Oh." "It's easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than it is for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of Heaven." "it is." "The point is this beetle is so small or a rich person." "Oh." "Ah." "beetles." "is huge." "We have a sample of the second biggest one." "This is the Hercules beetle." "(SCREAMS) Oh!" "This is from the Natural History Museum in London." "How many examples of beetle do you think they have there?" "How many different...?" "000." "it's a lot more - it's 12 million." "Oh." "Blimey." "They have 12 million." "we plunge into the land that knowledge forgot - the place we call General Ignorance. for one last chance to avoid looking like complete Charlies. what rhymes with "orange?" "WOMAN MOANS WITH PLEASURE" "LAUGHTER" "No - nothing." "SMOOTH ELECTRIC GUITAR" "ALARM BELLS RING bless." "Flange." Flange!" "(LAUGHS)" "Or-inge." "Or-ange." Can you think of any words that might rhyme with it?" "yeah." "Yeah." "I don't think there is such a thing as borringe." "borringe." "That's what you suck up...um... sir!" "LAUGHTER cos there's Blorenge." "Blorenge?" "It's a place." "Anyone know where Blorenge is?" "it sounds like it's in Belgium." "closer to home. "Blo-rr-enge." "it is!" "It is." "It overlooks Abergavenny." "It has a famous car park." "What else has it got?" "a famous horse called Foxhunter." "There's also "Gorringe-" SMOOTH ELECTRIC GUITAR" "If you said "porridge" with a cold." "Yeah." "Yes." ""Porrange."" "JO:" "I've got a cold." "please." "Lester?" "I want porrange." BILL: "Porrange." said that nothing rhymes with orange. but we are here to explode..." "Richard Whitely." "..the myths of the Whitelys." "Explode Richard Whitely!" "I saw him interviewing two Bluebell dancers once." "Really?" "I thought he was gonna have a coronary." "LAUGHTER "Could I have two from the top?"" "Very good." "Here we are - "Gorringe." It's a surname." "It's probably the same root as "Goering." "funnily enough." "yeah." "BILL:" "God." "You had a tailor?" "like the suit you wear when you're five?" "!" "It was... (LAUGHS) Were you born in need in the 1850s?" "No!" "No." "You had..." "LAUGHTER" "I shall measure up young sir for his shorts and cap." "who was the school outfitter... right." "You should say that." "..which was a tailoring shop called Gorringe's." "Which side does young sir dress on?" "Well." "Hardly worth bothering!" "There's nothing really to worry about." "You should know that - it's written on the toilet walls." "heavens." "Why did I even mention that?" "That's" "Do you want to get measured up for shorts?" "Lord!" "Would sir like to wear a cravat on the cross-country run?" "LAUGHTER" "APPLAUSE" "you are all such beasts!" "Gorringe is a splendid English surname" "I suggest a cummerbund for Geography." "LAUGHTER" "I said...(LAUGHS)..." "I do rather like this pink polenta!" "LAUGHTER" "Utter rotters." "Gorringe is the splendid English surname in case you didn't know." "what colour - fingers on buzzers " "YEAH" "Jo." "It's red." "ALARM BELLS RING" "I knew that was gonna happen." "but it isn't red." "I'm afraid it's actually brown." "Rusty brown." "really." "it only appears red sometimes because of the dust in the atmosphere." "brown colour." "According" "Why are we going there?" "!" "What's the (BLEEP)ing point?" "You are just unbelievable." "I see." "I see." "APPLAUSE" "Right." "I refuse to rise to the bait. the most recent pictures of Mars issued by NASA were tweaked polo- Photoshop?" "exactly." "make it more interesting." "There were tweaks in order to conform with our expectations of its redness." "a topical one - what prevented Henry VIII from marrying Lord Pembroke?" "YEAH" Jo." "Lady Pembroke." "LAUGHTER Very good." "Yes." "No." "Yes." "WOMAN MOANS WITH PLEASURE" "Um..." "because gay marriages were illegal." "ALARM BELLS RING" "Oh!" "eventually." "he did." "Was "Lord Pembroke" a nickname for a lady?" "A lady! right. and was not head of the Church." "She disguised herself as a man to sneak into the king's chamber!" "she was just very miffed at not being able to marry." "You sounded like you were in a school play then." "He runs on - "She disguised herself as a man to get..." "You're supposed to be an actor!" "no." "nonsense." "No." "She disguised herself as a man and sneaked into the king's chamber!" "LAUGHTER "I must leave for France!"" "Yes." "What happened was he was married to Catherine of Aragon." "and elsewhere in Europe. he offered her a title." "I want a proper title." "So he gave her the marquisate of Pembroke. of course. and declared that his marriage to Catherine of Aragon of course." "from marquesses to mammals." "as well." "We're all mammals." "We come in a wide variety of colours - brown bears" " Whales." "blue whales- The blue whale." "Pink elephants - ha-ha." "there are..." "name a green mammal." "WOMAN MOANS WITH PLEASURE Frog." "Frog." "name a green MAMMAL!" "SMOOTH ELECTRIC GUITAR" "WOMAN MOANS WITH PLEASURE An ancient Greek cow." "Jo." "A budgie." "Now name a green mam-mal." "I'm getting round to it." "Right." "SMOOTH ELECTRIC GUITAR" "OK - a rotten badger." "LAUGHTER Very good." "Excellent." "good one." "there are none." "no." "Chameleon's a lizard." "really jealous shrew. but there are no green mammals. but it's actually the algae that grow in its fur." "But that's the only one that migh- cos it's so slow-moving that moss grows over it?" "So much a sloth." "Exactly." "we come full circle of ancient Greece." "(SIGHS) Woo-ee!" "Why wouldn't an ancient Greek baker mind if you told him where he could stick his baguette?" "SMOOTH ELECTRIC GUITAR Sean." "Cos they were a bit like that." "LAUGHTER" "You know what I mean." "I think we all know - but I'm not gonna say it." "Cos you can't these days." "Ooh - very hot water." "for a minute." "As a pleasuring device?" "A bread dildo." "A dildo." "A bread dildo is the right answer." "They made their dildos out of bread in Greece." "Oh." "You know that most women would have gone for the eating option..." "Did someone write that down?" "Is that written down in ancient Greek?" "actually." "It's a very recent discovery." "Who discovered it?" "Was a Greek baker frozen in a glacier with a...?" "he's going like that." "he's going... ..who was handing the baton of ancient Greece to modern Greece." "That's what he was doing." "It's time for the final reckoning." "I shall give scores. is Alan Davies." "and we thank you for it." "is Jo Brand." "is Bill." "ladies and gentlemen." "well." "APPLAUSE" "Jo and Alan." "I'm going to leave you with two quite interesting remarks on the subject of colour." "the Apollo 8 astronaut " "My experience helped me to see how isolated and fragile the Earth really is." "It was also beautiful." "It was the only object in the entire universe that was neither black nor white." "Gerald Ford " "Ronald Reagan doesn't dye his hair." "He's just prematurely orange." "APPLAUSE" "Closed Captions by CSI"