"Target is an outlaw JF-17 Thunder." "Floats like a butterfly, stings like a B-52." "Intel has it flying low and slow, hugging the coast and headed for the Holy Land." " Yes, sir." " Now, listen up, Tilson." "I know you've got some fuck-up in you, but that's not the Z-Pak I need right now." "No, sir." "I need the Z-Pak that ID'd that Iranian weapons convoy, and then swooped down and stole their goddamn lunch money." "I need the Z-Pak who can fly a needle through a fucking needle." "Absolutely, sir." "If he's in there somewhere, you tell him to catch up with that Pakistani son of a bitch" " and put a Sidewinder in his ass!" " Fuckin' A, sir!" "What's going on?" "Okay." "It looks like the general is sending for a car battery." "I think they're going to torture him until he recalls the pilot." "Uh-uh." "That only works on people like me." "We need to get inside his head." "Okay, you shouldn't interfere, Alex." "Excuse me, General?" " What is it?" " May I please talk to Zaman myself?" "You?" "I can get his psychiatrist on the phone." "He knows what makes him tick." "Burning the man's nuts, while cathartic, may only tweak his weasel." "It takes a few minutes for the car battery." "You have until then." "Boom." "How we doing back there, buddy?" "Dude, I am hurting." "Focus, all right?" "It's freshman year, remember?" "Four in the morning, we gotta make it back to the dorm." "One foot in front of the other." " Don't walk into traffic." " Don't fall down the stairs." " Key in the lock." " Push open that door." "Don't fall onto your roommate's bed." "Hey, get over it." "I said I was sorry." "All right." "Let's put this bird in the air." "Oh, no puking, no puking." "Oh, fuck." "We're trying to find the plane." "It's flying below radar, probably over the water." "We sent an F-18 out to make visual contact." " You sent one plane?" " We didn't have a choice." "All of our attack aircraft are doubling back over Pakistan." "And what about other nations in the region?" "The nearest air forces belong to Saudi Arabia and Iran, but they're both suddenly having technical difficulties with all of their aircraft." "Give me a fucking break." "We're taking care of it." "We'll shoot down that plane, and this whole thing will be a nonissue." "Nonissue?" "Pakistan has launched a nuclear weapon toward Israel." "They've already declared war." "We will retaliate with the nuclear weapons we may or may not have." " Oh, we have them." " Gide..." "Islamabad is over 2,500 miles away." "Your missiles don't have the range." "We have a sub off the Pakistani coast." "What?" "How did you sneak that through the Suez?" "You did hear me when I said it was a submarine, right?" "And maybe, after we launch on Pakistan, we take out Tehran and Riyadh too, since the Saudis and Iranians are being so fucking helpful." "Sorry, Mr. Secretary, but we're evacuating the White House." "You're being moved to a more secure location." "What?" "Why?" "The president is concerned that if the situation escalates, the White House will be considered a military target." "Pussy." "Look, Walter, if that rogue jet gets within a thousand miles of our air space, we will launch and that will be that." "I get it." "Shalom." "Shalom." "Walter, we're relocating to an undisclosed location." "I heard." "It's 200 feet below a Neiman Marcus in Virginia." "Great." "Meet you there." "Pussy." "Honey, pack up the kids, drive them..." "Mr. President, what are you doing?" "You can't leave." "You need to stay here and fix this." "Walter, this is just a precaution." "Mr. President, we need to move you now." "You're gonna incite a national panic and then hide under a department store?" "We're keeping the public in the dark for now, and this isn't overreacting." "It's forethought." "If a nuke goes off in Tel Aviv, and another goes off in Pakistan, and pretty soon we'll have to launch a few of our own." "What?" "When did that get decided?" "Well, think about it." "Okay?" "Anyone invades a weakened Israel, we'll have to defend them." "What if China defends Pakistan?" "What about India?" "What about North Korea?" "North Korea?" "They've got spies who work at Google." "Shit." "Don't tell anyone I told you that." "We've got to get out of here now." "Mr. President, I need you to take a deep breath and..." "Go with the president." "No, I go where you go." "During 9/11, all of our communication systems failed." "I need you holding a cell phone within screaming distance of the president." "Do you understand?" "Stay by your phone." "Hey, you." "You know how to keep all the lines of communication working around here?" "I'm sorry." "It's not just me." " It's actually a team of" " Today, it's just you." "Let's start with Russia and China." "I gotta try and contain this thing." "What the fuck?" "That's a goddamn refueling tanker." "Well, get us some space, man." "Get us some space!" " I think that's our guy." " Where?" "Three o'clock low." "You got him?" "Got him." "Goddamn, I'm thirsty." "All right, let's assume our outlaw has a full tank now." "And we got what?" "Half a bag?" "Affirmative." "We gotta take this guy down before he outruns us." " Yeah, roger that." " What do we got to play with?" "Sidewinders times two." "AMRAAMS times two." "500 rounds in a cannon." "Flight Op, we've made visual contact with outlaw." "Permission to engage." "Hammer One Nine, you are cleared hot." "Copy that." "All right, Jammer." "Let's shoot this asshole out of the sky." "Massoud residence." "Hassan." "It's Alex." "I'm with Zaman." "He just launched a nuke towards Israel." "What?" "We need to get him to recall the pilot." "We need to get inside his head." "We?" "No." "He'll never talk to me." "He knows I betrayed him." "No, come on." "There's gotta be something we can leverage." "The man's a sociopath." "He has no humanity, no empathy." "There are no magic words to open him up." " The only thing..." " Yes?" "The only thing I can tell you, is that both he and you have similar profiles." "Excuse me?" "Well, you're both selfish, entitled, incompetent." "You operate with a flagrant disregard for the feelings of others." "You're both fueled by a deep sense of loneliness, unworthiness, of inadequacy." "You know, you're making a lot of assumptions here." "I'm not" "The only difference is that someone gave him a nuclear arsenal to play with." "Anyway, make of that what you will." "Thanks, Hassan." "Oh, also..." "We're assuming Israel's gonna retaliate by nuking Islamabad." "Maybe leave town." "Hello?" "Hassan?" "What did he say?" "That I have leadership qualities." "I can do this." "Yuri, why does our intel show us Russian troops massing along your border with Estonia?" "I have no idea." "Because I know Russia wouldn't try to rebuild the Soviet Union while the rest of the world is distracted by a nuclear war between Israel and Pakistan." "Walter, I'm so sorry you're having conflict with two of the countries you have spent years arming so heavily." "Let us worry about Estonia." "China is the one about to send tanks into Kashmir." "What?" "Li, tell me that's not true." "Pakistan is our great ally." "We will defend her at all costs." "Our tanks are there to deter the Indians from taking Kashmir." "You keep the Chinese army out of India." "General Ahmed Ali?" "That's who you're replacing Zaman with?" "Hello, Rakesh." "The man wants to annihilate India!" "He's worse than Zaman." "He may not be your best friend, but he's pretty good for the rest of the world." "He's pretty good for Israel." "He'll take the target off their backs and put it on ours." "Why don't Israel and you get a room in a cheap motel somewhere and make sex!" "With all due respect, Rakesh, fuck you." "Rakesh, if Pakistan threatens India, rest assured the US and Israel will have your back." "Right, Talia?" "She's nodding her head in agreement." "Hold on, I've got France and the Saudis joining." "Bonjour." "Hey, Prince Walid, how are your planes doing?" "Still having technical difficulties?" "We are so sorry we're unable to come to your aid." " Spare me the bull-- - Hey, knock it off, you two." "Walter, the American influence over the Middle East cannot last forever." "The time has come for a Franco-Russian counterbalance." "A Franco-Russian counter" "What the fuck is that, Dominique?" "The world's spheres of influence..." "What are you doing here?" "They tried to move me to a bunker under a Neiman Marcus without you." "You really think I would let you go down with the ship?" "Walter?" "Walter?" "Dominique, sorry, but the French haven't been relevant since the battle of Dien Bien Phu." "Pardon?" "Au revoir." "Prince Walid, honestly, how many times has Israeli intelligence tipped you off to subversive elements within your own country?" "How about showing a little fucking gratitude?" "Ma'a salama." "You must listen" "Talia, I told you we'll take care of this, and we will." " When?" " Shalom." "Okay, Russia, China, India, if any of you choose today of all days to start carving up the map, my wife will personally drag your asses in front of The Hague." " You got it?" " Walter..." "Do svidaniya." "Well played, Mr. Secretary." "So..." "What do we do now?" "We wait." "Hm." "Keep your eyes on him, Jammer." "Lose sight, lose the fight." " I got him." " Too close for missile launch." " I'm rocking the guns." " Fire in short bursts." "We've only got 500 rounds." " Shit!" " How much was that?" " About 200 rounds." " Motherfucker!" "Oh, he's getting behind us." "He's getting behind us!" "Hard left!" "Hard left!" "Shit!" "Fuck!" "How much was that?" "That's the end of it, man." "Cannon's empty." "God, that Listerine is fucking my stomach in the ass right now." "Umair..." "I know what it's like to be you." "I do." "I have no friends." "You have no friends." "We're the same guy." "My mother, never satisfied." "And, from what I've gleaned from Raja, yours had a few faults of her own." "I hated that cunt." "Right?" "Makes us feel crappy, lowers our self-esteem." "And how do we deal with that?" "Me-- weed." "You-- genocide." "It's not healthy, and it doesn't solve our problems, does it?" "We've been patched through to the cockpit radio." "The pilot won't talk, but he can hear us." "Umair, please, talk to him." "Where'd he go?" "Where'd he go?" "He's on our six." "He's on our six." " Fuck!" " He's got lock." "He's got lock." "What's he packing?" "I counted two PL-5s under the wings." "Chinese heat-seekers." "Smoke in the air!" "Smoke in the air, Zeke!" " He's fired on us!" " I'm gonna spin it." "Fire your flares!" "Fire your flares!" "Oh!" "Negative impact." "We're good." "No." "One o'clock, low." "I can't get a heat signature." "Too close." "No tone." "Fuck tone, man." "Tone is for pussies." "Aim that shit and fire." "Okay, here goes." "Hammer One Nine, Fox Three." "Go!" "Go!" "Go!" " Fuck!" " Argh!" "Stay on his ass, Zeke." "Stay on his ass." "Yeah, I've got him." "Oh yeah." "Oh, sorry, Walter." "Is this a bad time?" "Oh my God, Walter." "I gotta go." "I gotta go." "Let me down." "We can call back after half my country vaporizes into the Mediterranean Sea." "Mr. Prime Minister, how can I help?" "Please inform President Navarro that the rogue jet has passed within a thousand miles of my country." "So we have launched a nuclear missile towards Islamabad." "What the fuck, Avi?" "Time to impact?" "About 20 minutes." "Listen, if we shoot that plane down, you're gonna dump that missile into the sea, right?" "Walter, you are running out of time." "Put some pants on." "Fuck." "All right." "Mr. Secretary?" "Kendra, are you with the president?" "Heading down to the bunker, sir." "I may lose you." "Twenty percent off the already marked down price." "These slacks were practically wholesale." "Can't pass that up." "What did you get?" "Sorry, sir." "Go ahead." "I got this for my wife." "Well, your wife can wear something like that." "Oh, yeah." "Did you just say Israel launched a nuke at Pakistan?" "Sir?" "Hello?" "Hello?" "Israel will surely retaliate, so, really, nuking Israel is the same thing as nuking Pakistan." "But I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt and guessing that you didn't think it through all the way." "_" "Enough of this." "Step aside." "Wait, wait." "No." "Umair, please, don't go down as the biggest mass murderer in history." "If there is an afterlife," "I can't imagine this sets you up for wonderful things." "Give me the phone." "Yes." "He wants the phone." "This is the right thing to do." "What is he talking about?" "No!" "I can see you've never done this sort of thing before." "I think I got him." "Firing Fox Two." "Fuck!" "Missile three trashed." "We got one heater left, man." " What do you want to do with it?" " I'm backing off." "Backing off?" "He's speeding up." "He speeds up, he gives me a bigger heat signature." "You really want to throw one from the back of the end zone?" "We don't have much of a choice." "He said, "You men are martyrs." "Death to Israel!"" "and then he blew his brains out." "I don't know where he got the gun." "Okay." "Okay." "Okay, shit." "Get out of there, now." "Don't talk." "Just go." "What are they saying?" "They're concerned about an Israeli counterstrike." "They're moving everyone to a fallout shelter on the outskirts of the city." "Sounds like a plan." "CENTCOM is confirming the Israelis just launched from a sub off the coast of Pakistan." "Come on, pilot." "Fuck that fucker." " Now?" " Nope." "Wait for it." "He's getting smaller, man." "He's getting smaller." "Wait for the afterburners." "Fire, Zeke." " No." " Fire now!" " Not yet." " Fire!" "Come on, Zeke." "One foot in front of the other." "Oh, Jesus." "Hand on the trigger." "Get tone." "Check range." "Press the trigger." "Hammer One Nine, Fox Two." "Come on." "Come on." "Come on, Zeke." "Fall onto your own bed." "Flight Op, this is Hammer One Nine." "Target is down." "Repeat, target is down." "Oh, fuck." "Yes." "Talk to me CENTCOM." "We have a confirmed kill, sir." "Yes!" "Hammer One Nine, this is Admiral McBride." "That's some nice shootin', son." "Roger that." "We're coming home, sir." "Who do you want to call first?" "The president or the Israelis?" "Walter?" "Neither." " What is it?" " Motherfucker." "Speak to me." "What were Zaman's exact words right before he shot himself?" ""Give me the phone."" "No, after that." " Let's go." "Come on!" " "You men are martyrs."" " "Death to..." - "You men are martyrs."" "Plural, "men."" " Exactly that?" " Nothing lost in translation?" "Come on!" "That's what Zaman said, right? "You men are martyrs."" " Yes, yes." "Plural." " "You men are martyrs." Let's go!" "Hello?" "Mr. Secretary?" "CENTCOM, you still there?" "Still here, sir." "Major, are you familiar with Pakistan's JF-17 fighter jet?" "Yes, sir." "How large is the crew of that plane?" "That is a single pilot aircraft, sir." "What are you thinking?" "There's a second plane." "Major, I need you to patch me through to our pilots, ASAP." "♪ Oh, who shoots down the bitches?" "♪" "♪ Oh, we shoots down the bitches ♪" "♪ We shoot down the bitches ♪" "Pilot?" "This is Secretary of State Walter Larson." "CENTCOM tells me you passed a refueling tanker earlier." "Can you still track it on radar?" "Yes, sir." "I see it." "Did it turn back towards Pakistan or continue towards Israel?" "It's on a beeline for Tel Aviv, sir." " Shit!" " That plane isn't armed." "It's a gas station." "It can't launch a missile." "Pilot, it doesn't need to launch a nuke if it can crash one into downtown Tel Aviv." "That JF-17 was bullshit." "It was a decoy." "The nuke is on board that tanker." "Take that fucker down." "Take it down now!" "Sir, yes, sir." "Uh, Z-Pak?" "Yeah, what's up, buddy?" "We don't have any weapons left." "Oh." "Right." "Goddamn it!" "No room for you." "Sorry." " What do you mean it's full?" " You can have that one." "Give them the keys." "We have to get out of the blast zone." "Okay." "Get us the fuck out of here." "Guess where they got that car battery from?" "There's a bomb!" "Everybody get out of the streets!" "There's a bomb!" "Get out of the-- fuck." "Visual ID on the bandit." "Any good ideas?" "Nope." "But I got a few bad ones." "Son of a..." "Cramp." "Cramp." "Okay." "Okay." "Come here." "Go, come on." "Keep going." " This is pointless, man." " What do you mean?" "We are still definitely inside the cancer cloud." " Hey." " What?" " Listen." " What?" "If we survive this, I want you to know" "I'm taking you with me to Paris, in a real position." "You have a fucking master's degree." "You shouldn't be driving people around." " You know what, man?" " What?" "You're my fucking friend." " I am?" " Yes." "And I'm sorry that I never said that sooner." " Hey." "Hey." " Hey." "I love you too, buddy." " I never said I love you." " You didn't need to." "Your eyes are your words." " My eyes are not my words." " You can't hide it." "No, I can hide it." "We got a plan here, buddy?" "Hey, what are you thinking, man?" "Fuck no, man." "Shit!" "Shit!" "Shit!" "Shit!" "Shit!" "Altitude." "Altitude." "Altitude..." "Talk to me, Zeke." "Please, do not try to be Batman." "Is your mask on, Jammer?" " Shit!" " We're punching out, Jammer!" "Again?" "Warning." "Warning..." "Now!" "Mr. Prime Minister, we have confirmation." "The tanker is down." "There is no threat to Israel." "Dump the missile, Avi." "I'm sorry, Walter." "The missile guidance is locked." "It's too late to abort." "You should have called us 10 minutes ago." "Oh, my God." "Just fucking with you." "If you could see your faces right now-- priceless!" "Mr. Prime Minister, with all due respect, you are one sick motherfucker." "Don't I know it?" " Congratulations, sir." " You did it." " Oh, thank you." " No, no, no." "I mean it." "Today, you handled yourself with resolve and integrity." " Good job, sir." " Thank you, Kendra." "They're blowing each right now, aren't they?" "Everybody here is very proud of you." "They pass on their sincerest thanks." "Yeah, sure." "I'll see you topside." "So..." "About that conversation I promised we'd have..." "I'd rather you just went down on me again." "Oh." "Now that's the gal I married." " I love you." " Ahem, sir?" "Sorry, sir." "Our F-18 has disappeared from radar." "Any word on our pilots?" "No, sir." "Worst fucking hangover ever." "Where do you think this crash puts our tally?" "Well, let's see." "Two F-18s," "$60 million each." "Pakistani fighter jet," " plus a pilot." " Let's call that another 20 mil." "Plus the tanker." "Oh, that's 120 mil easy." "Yeah, those things ain't cheap." "Indian drone that never existed, four mil." "So what is that?" "Like, uh..." "Hmm, about a quarter billion dollars." "Not bad for $280 a week." "Where do you think we are anyway, Yemen?" "Nah, we came down west of water." "This is Eritrea." "Eri-what?" "Eritrea." "Africa." " Dude." " Huh?" "That's where boner guy is from." "Oh, shit." "Oh, man, we are gonna be so fucking rich." "Welcome home, little buddy." "You ever notice he has no balls?" "Well, you don't need balls when you got a dick that big." "That's kind of true." "What's this?" "My resignation you asked for." "I'm tired of being the only person in your administration who's getting laid on a regular basis and doesn't have to compensate for their sexual inadequacy by bombing the shit out of brown people." "You are an integral part of my cabinet, so I don't accept your resignation." "Yeah, I knew you wouldn't." "The envelope's empty." "I just had to say my peace." "Mr. President, your eight o'clock." "If anyone needs me, I'll be home having sex with my wife." "Hey, kids." "How's that revolution coming?" "You gotta fix things, you know?" "We screwed it up." "We ain't gonna fix it." "Give the president a list of your demands." "Smile, everybody." "Hey, has anyone alerted Alex Talbot that Pakistan is in the clear?" "Not that I'm aware of." "Probably should get on that." "Don't worry, it's just a... few more kilometers, buddy." " We're gonna make it." " Yeah." "We're gonna survive this." "Wait a sec." "All good." "Hey." "Did you mean what you said earlier about taking me with you to Paris?" "It's not that simple." "There's a lot of details to work out." "You know, like, the clearance issue, the citizenship issue, you know." "It's gonna take a while before they start trusting you people with state secrets." ""You people." Again with the "you people."" "Would you please cut me some slack?" "It's not always easy to gauge what's going to set you off." "What sets me off?" "Blatantly racist and condescending comments." "Let me ask you one thing." " Do you think that I'm a sociopath?" " Not at all." " Thank you." " I think you're an asshole." "Okay, that's, you know..." "That's a little harsh." " Not that harsh." " It's not as harsh as sociopath, but still." "If you took me to Paris, you wouldn't be an asshole." "Okay, now what do I get if I take you to Paris?" " What do you get?" " I saved your life." "That's what you get."