"Look at my girl go." "This all looks so good." "It really does." "Can you imagine if I tried to make it?" "No, ma'am." "Mmm!" "Mmm!" "I can't wait to put a hurtin' on that blueberry pie." "No." "Actually, that one is just for Penny." "You got her her own pie?" "You are one good stepmom." "I just want her to like me." "Aw, honey." "That's not gonna happen." "She's my little girl, and she's not gonna like anybody that takes her daddy away from her." "She's 31." "Well, she's a little messed up, but I love her." "She is my princess, my big, mean, scary princess." "She just seems so angry all the time." "Well, it's not her fault." "She was born with my build and her mother's personality." "It's like the perfect storm." "Yeah, well, it might help if you didn't make her feel worse about it." "I don't do that." "All right, I'll stop calling her Shrek." "(Duncan) ..." "Like some people I know." "(Tina) You drive like a moron." "(Duncan) Just one time!" "Stop!" "(both) Happy Thanksgiving." "Hey." "Hey." "Yonk, this is my mom Tina." "Pleased to meet you." "Yonk Allen's pleased to meet me." "I can't believe it's you in person." "I thought you'd be bigger." " Mom!" " What?" "I didn't say he looked old." "I said he looked small." "God, this place is huge." "And look at all the trophies." "Yeah." "There's one or two." "Well, where's your Heisman?" "Rec Room." "Go nuts." "Oh." "Uh, I know she's my mom and all, but, uh, she steals." "Darlin', I'm comin' with ya." "Hey, I hope this isn't weird, that we're here." "When Yonk asked me, I really didn't know what to say" "No." "It's fine." "Otherwise it would just be us and Yonk's daughter." "Oh, which one, the hot one or, uh..." "The Creature?" "Excuse me, but her name is Penny." "And, yeah, it's The Creature." "[knock on door]" "It's open." "Uh...may I help you?" "Are you Lina Warbler?" " Yes." " Hi." "I'm Fern Velch, Richard Velch's wife." "What?" "My idiot husband hit you with his car." "I am so sorry." "I mean, if it were up to me, you would have run over him." "Here." "This is for you." "You're..." "Richie's wife?" "He said to call him, "Richie?" God, he knows I hate that name." "I mean, like, what is he, in Little League?" "Richie Velch, um..." "has red hair and alabaster skin?" "Uh, I guess, if alabaster means pasty." "Look, here's the thing." "I just need to know that you're not planning on suing us." "I mean, we have, like, no money." "Like, really nothing, so" "Richie's wife?" "Yeah." "Trust me, there's days I don't believe it either." "Look, I just need to know that I can tell him everything is gonna be okay." "Oh, you can tell your husband he'll never hear from me again." "Oh...thank you so much." " Hey!" " Hey!" "Come in!" "Oh, thank you so much for having us." "Wow." "Smells so good." "Well, Perry's been busy." "I made two different turkeys, four pies, and this sweater didn't knit itself." "He is not like the rest of us." "He's not even like the rest of us." "Were you guys able to pick up the, uh..." "Oh, uh, yeah." "Um, we couldn't find fresh cranberries, so we just figured canned would be fine." "Oh..." "canned." " We're totally kidding." " Oh, my God!" "Oh, you guys, ha ha!" "Hook, line, sinker." "I'd better get these into a pot." "So funny." "But not the day to do that." " Hi, sweetie!" " Hi, Mom." "You remember Kyle Lendo and this is his partner Aaron." "Hello, Kyle." "It's so nice to meet you, Aaron." "I would chat more, but this dish is burning hot." "I'm in a lot of pain." "Well, it was nice to see you again." "Oh, is Holly's dad coming?" "Oh, he's right behind me." "Ooh." "Ow." "Ow-ow." "Oh, you're gonna enjoy this." "Why?" "You know how they say all women marry their fathers?" " Yeah." " Wait for it." "Make way for Apple Brown Betty!" "How great is that?" "Hey." "Get out of here." "I just worked a double shift, and there's no way I can sleep with you breathing." "Um, uh, we need to talk." "Uh, okay, we haven't been happy for a very, very long time." "We have a toxic, joyless, punishing relationship, and I think the best thing would be to end it." "What?" "I, um..." "I don't think that we should be together anymore." "I'm sorry." "Wait." "You're leaving me?" "You miserable excuse for a human being, you're leaving me?" "We just don't seem to make each other happy." "So?" "This is what marriage is." "It's not fun, it's not pleasant, but you suck it up." "Okay, look, I-- I know, this isn't easy" "No, actually, you know what?" "This is easy." "In fact, let me help you pack." "You know what?" " You're gonna need your shoe!" " Ow!" " And you're gonna need your book!" " Ow!" "Pillows!" "I'll need pillows!" "I mean, what are you gonna do without me?" "Who's gonna fix all the crap that you screw up?" "I mean, just last night, I went over to that woman's house who you hit with your car to make sure that we don't get sued." "What?" "You did what?" "Yeah." "That's right." "While you were planning your little sneak attack, I was out talking to that Warbler woman." "Oh, no, no, no, no, no." "I gotta go." "Richard Velch, if you walk out that door right now, I will make your life a living hell." "How will I know the difference?" "Hello?" "Hello?" "Ma, why are you on the intercom?" "I'm lost." "I'm on the second floor in a room with blue wallpaper." "Okay, well, just stay there." "Are you coming to get me?" "No." "Hey, how you doin'?" "Is dinner ready?" "Um..." "I don't think so." "Then why the hell'd they say 3:00?" "I--I don't know." "I'm Duncan." "Yeah?" "Well, you're blockin' the kitchen." "Hey, Penny." "Uh, okay." "How are you?" "Well, I was told dinner was at 3:00, so I'm feeling lied to." "Oh, sorry, I just thought that we could" "You didn't cook again, did you?" "Last year when I got home, I heaved all over my work boots." "Just putting this out there." "She's single." "Are we gonna eat soon?" "Hang on, sweetie." "Something's still not right." "I agree." "More baby pumpkins?" "Totally." "And less leaves." "Genius." "Honey, is there anything we can do?" "They never let the women do a thing." "They're so old-fashioned." "Yeah." "That's what it is." "Well, I have to go garnish my potato soufflé." "You can garnish all you want." "It's not gonna hold a candle to my Potatoes Lyonnaise." "We'll see." "We will." "Okay, fellas, break it up." "I think there's a little too much testosterone in this room." "I think the chef has earned himself another cocktail." "Wow, You and your father-in-law seem to get on so well." "Yeah, he's a doll." "I love him." "However, just between you and me, could he be any gayer?" "I--I can't-- I can't believe it." "I can't believe he's married." "I can't believe he lied to me." "I know." "I'm so sorry." " Promise you'll never lie to me." " I promise." "I will never lie to you." "Oh, God, just tell me everything's gonna be okay." "Well, I--I hope that it will be, but, you know, I can't really guarantee that" "Well, then go back to lying." "Hey." " How is she?" " Not good." "I think the two of us are gonna have to bail on Thanksgiving at your parents'." "No, no!" "I can go." "How do I look?" "Well, am I lying or not lying?" "(Richie) Lina, it's me." "I need to see you." "I can't." "I just can't." "I'm on it." "I gotta go." "What the hell do you want?" "I need to talk to Lina." "Well, she doesn't want to talk to you." "Is she here?" "Lina?" "!" "Hey, it's not gonna happen, suckhole!" "Do you have any idea how bad you hurt her?" "If you just let me talk to her, I can" "No." "I'm not letting you anywhere near her." "You know, I never bought into any of that we're-twins, we-can-feel- each-other's-pain crap." "But today, I'm feelin' it." "And if you don't leave right now, you're gonna be feeling it too." "Please, just hear me out." "Fine." "Go ahead." "Well, I know that what I-- There was more." "Penny, it's really good to see you." "You know, we have to catch up." "My cat died." "Work sucks." "I'm hungry." "Dinner's not ready." "Caught up." "(Duncan) It was funny." "It was not funny." "Come on." "It was sweet." "It was not sweet." "What?" "We were watchin' the game, and, uh, Yonk fell asleep with his head on my shoulder." "Second half, you watch the game standing' up." "Wow...three kinds of stuffing, little different than Thanksgiving at our house, huh, Nicole?" "When did you have Thanksgiving at their house?" "Um..." "It is, uh..." "It was a long time ago. [giggles]" "Oh, back in high school, when they were dating." "Wait." "The two of you used to go out?" "Which pie is mine?" "So how long did you guys go out?" " Three years." " Two weeks." " Five months." "How's that?" "Uh, three years, 5 months and two weeks." "Thanks to everyone who contributed to that." "Three years." "Was it serious?" "I'm not goin' first this time." "No, it was nothing." "It was just high school." "Yeah." "Three years." "That sounds pretty serious to me." "How come you never told me?" "I don't know." "Sometimes I do things, then I forget to tell you." "I didn't tell you that I drove the car around with the emergency brake on for a week." "You'd think I'd have another example." "I don't." "Okay." "Now I know." "Let's eat." "All right, um..." "everybody grab a dish." "Someone else is gonna have to take the yams from the big girl." "Look at this." "Perry was in the Navy?" " Oh, my God." " What are you guys looking at?" "Oh...that's Perry in South Pacific." "He was so great." "Hello, boys!" "I hope you brought your appetites." "Oh!" "Can't wait." "Mmm." "So Perry gave you a break from the kitchen?" "I know." "He's been riding me for hours in there." "I have something to ask you." "It's sort of delicate, but you two will know." "Is it just me, or is Perry a little light in the loafers?" "So my choices are "is Perry light in the loafers," or "is it just you?"" "You know, Mr. Ellenbogen, I think Perry's just..." "Perry." "I suppose." "Well, the important thing is he loves my daughter and we love him." "Although, by the by, I saw him in South Pacific." "* Butchered it *" "Wow." "Later, if we have to go around the table and say what we're thankful for," "I'm gonna say family and friends, but I want you to know what I'm really thinking is this-- what just happened right here!" "[knocking on door]" "(Richie) Lina, please talk to me." "[knocking]" "Lina, I'm not leaving till you talk to me." "Oh, yes, you are." "Oh..." "Ah!" "That's right." "You get outta here, or you're gonna get this right in the eyes." "I swear, I will PAM you." " But I..." " Go, go, go!" "Go!" "Get the hell out!" "Oh, God, I had it pointed towards me." "Did Yonk say anything to you about us?" "No." "I've been avoiding him." "He say anything to you?" "No, he just nudged me when Penny was drinking the gravy." "This is so messed up." "I am so sorry, you two." "I assumed he knew." "Yeah?" "Well, he didn't." "Well, hey, at least I didn't tell him about you know what." "You know, when Nicole came over a few weeks ago and the two of you slept" "Shh!" "Ma, you know we know what." "That's why you just said, "You know what."" "All right." "I'll help clear." "Oh, and by the way, the big girl's silverware, can probably go right back in the drawer." "Hey." "Can I have a word with you?" "Yes, sir." "So you and Nicole, three years." "Uh-huh." "Longer than I been with her." "Well..." "you'll catch up." "Three years." "I have some questions for you." "Oh, God." "What does she mean when she says, "It's fine?"" "What?" "Well, sometimes when Nick says it's fine, it's fine, but sometimes when she says it's fine, it is not fine." "How do I know?" "Oh." "Um..." "Well, if she says, "It's okay," then it's fine." "But if she says, "It's fine," then, heh, it is not fine." "Gotcha." "All right, when she was with you, did she ever just start cryin' for no reason?" "Yeah." "Yeah, she does that." "How do you get her to stop?" "Well, you--you don't." "You just--just hold her." "Let her cry." "Interesting." "Oh, here's one." "Her dad's crazy, right?" "Oh, yeah, he's a total whack job." "Oh, but don't say that to her, or you're gonna end up holding' her and lettin' her cry." "This is fantastic." "It's like suddenly discovering an owner's manual." "Okay, one more." "Did she used to make you end every phone call with "I love you?"" "Yeah." "Yeah, she did." "What is that about?" "She won't tell me." "Well, she's, um..." "She's just afraid somethin' might happen and she wants "I love you"" "to be the last thing you ever say to each other." "Huh." "Creepy." "When did you order Chinese food?" "I didn't." "I found this in your fridge." "Huh?" "When did I order Chinese food?" "No way." "No way." "Oh, my God!" "Aah!" "I'm sor" "Ow!" " I'm sorry." " What the hell?" "It's just cooking spray." "I thought that you were somebody else." "Someone you didn't want to stick to a grill?" "(Kat) Oh..." "Let's go wash your eyes out." "Oh..." "Uh, Happy Thanksgiving." "Is it?" "Hi." "Hi." "I am so, so sorry." "I..." "Can I come in?" "All right, I'm coming in." "Oh, no, he's here." "The spray!" "Where's the spray?" "(Ethan) Richie, go!" "You don't want the spray!" " He's gettin' the spray!" " (Lina) No, no!" "I can handle this myself, please?" "Fine." "We know it works." "I'm just saying." "I should have told you." "I know that." "It is the biggest mistake I have ever made in my life." "And it kills me that I hurt you, but, I don't know, for what it's worth, I left my wife." "It's over." "Really?" "I need you." "You don't know what you mean to me." "I--It's like..." "magnesium and water." "Sorry?" "In chemistry, um, when magnesium is in its powder form, it's just like a-- a pile of dust, a dull, gray, pathetic..." "pile of dust, but if it happens to come in contact with water, just one single perfect little drop, they react." "And it is the most intense, brilliant..." "white hot flame." "It's like... a light so bright you can almost forget what darkness is." "Wow." "I love you." "Is there any way you can give me another chance?" "No." "No?" "I want to." "You have no idea how much I want to, but I can't." "I trusted you, and now I can never do that again." "Lina, I" "You know, what's funny?" "I..." "I really thought crushing my feet was the worst you'd ever hurt me." "Good-bye, Richie." "But I just" "Good-bye." "Oh, thank you so much for having us." "The food was amazing." "I'm so glad you came." "I just hope, you know, it wasn't awkward for you guys." "You know, being the only gay people." "Oh..." "You know, it didn't feel that way."