"Good night, will." "You're grounded." "Man." "I ain't played ball that hard since I Ieft philly, man." "Boy, that dude was no joke, man." "I ain't never playing with him again." "Why, he was pushing me around and shoving me and kicking me... and all that stuff, man." "Yo, dude was a monster." "Hey, I thought you wanted a rematch." "Forget it, man." "Go pick on somebody your own size." "Hi, ashley." "Hi, Ramon." "Say, I've got a half peanut butter and jelly sandwich in my pocket... with your name on it." "No, thanks." "Wanna see my frog?" "I think I'II pass." "Man, those lines kill on the jungle gym." "It's killing me how much you remind me of myself." "Why?" "'Cause we're both down with b-baII?" "well, no, 'cause don't nobody want to see my frog neither." "See, man, one day, ashley's gonna be breaking down my door... 'cause I'm gonna save up money for basketball camp." "Next thing you know I'II be playing pro." "You know my motto:" "keep your eyes on the prize." "Hey, man, that's kinda similar to my motto:" "keep your hands on their thighs." "Time to go help Ma wash Mr. Steinberg's windows." "Peace." "Hey, be cool, babe." "Oh, by the way, G, she told me to tell you hello." "really?" "No, I just wanted to watch the earl Grey run through your veins." "When we have children like that in england we encourage them to emigrate." "This is amazing!" "Did you know the odds of getting hit by an asteroid are one in 6,000?" "really?" "I'm feeling kinda lucky, man." "Why don't you go outside?" ""How to Beat the Odds"?" "Sorry, C., no way to beat it, you're odd." "hilary, I just want to know what job I'II be doing... so I can pick out an outfit." "Mother, the ladies at the country club put me in charge of Monte carlo Night... because I don't play favorites." "well, just remember whose name is on your favorite credit card." ""Vivian Banks: any job she wants."" "Oh, boy, what a day!" "I am exhausted." "Daddy, for Monte carlo Night you're going to be the croupier de toilette." "Great." "What'II I do?" "You'II make sure that there's always toilet paper on the rolls." "It's great to know that all those years of law school are finally coming in handy." "And, will, you're gonna help with the cleanup." "I ain't down with that old country club stuff... sitting around all night discussing mayonnaise... with four white guys named Biff." "Isn't Biff a riot?" "will, this is a fundraiser for the L.A. political coalition." "Everything cannot always be about fun." "hold up!" "What?" "Y'aII gonna make me go?" "well, at Ieast show up." "If you're still unhappy after the first half hour... consider the rest of the evening punishment... for something you've gotten away with." "I'd rather be stranded at sea with David Duke leading the rescue party." "Why should I have to go to this stupid country club if I don't want to?" "How uncle phil gonna play a nephew?" "How's Daddy gonna play a daughter?" "I can't believe he thinks I'm too young to gamble." "I've been eating hilary's cooking since I was three." "uncle phil, man, you're" "Looking extremely fly." "Thank you, will." "And, yes, you still have to go." "Daddy, I'm really...." "Gonna miss your daddykins?" "I know, ashley." "And, no, you still can't go." "So, do I Iook like a blackjack dealer?" "You look great, Mother, but that's not how you wear a halter." "It is when your breasts don't come with a receipt." "well, I'm all ready for Monte carlo night." "I've read this book cover to cover." "Ask me about any odd combination." "Okay, why is michael Jackson hanging with that little boy from Home Alone?" "well, we better be going." "Good night, Geoffrey." "Sir." "And, ashley, sweetheart, I'II bring you home a stuffed Miss Piggy doll." "Oh, joy." "Being 13 bites." "And I'm too young to know what it bites." "Perhaps biting into a freshly baked chocolate chip cookie... would lift your spirits." "I've poured you a nice cold glass of milk to go with it." "Why don't you just slap a diaper on me and hang a mobile over my head?" "Oh, Geoffrey!" "It's wonderful!" "Here is your ginger ale." "Shaken, not stirred." "I trust you won't be dancing on the table with a lamp shade on your head." "Ante is one vanilla wafer." "table limit, four mint MiIanos." "Something wrong, Miss ashley?" "No." "Everything's fine." "spill it." "Be honest." "We're playing with cookies because you think I'm a kid, right?" "well, yes." "I'm 13!" "If these were the middle Ages, I'd already be married... and own a pair of oxen." "I'm an adult." "A young adult." "I'II get my wallet." "I'II get my Smurf bank." "Whoa, hold it, man." "Come on, there's an old gambling superstition." "It says that if you walk into a casino backwards you'II have good luck." "will, you poor public school casualty." "Everyone knows there is no such thing as luck." "There's only the astute mastery of probability." "Have it your way, man." "Wow, you know, carlton, you are lucky." "That could have been an asteroid." "You know, I hope you don't mind my saying it, but you sure look good." "How was Heaven when you left it?" "Anybody ever tell you, you sure look sexy when you deal?" "We all have." "We're not here because of the way she shuffles cards, you know what I mean?" "Gee, it's chilly in here." "I'd hate for my wife to catch cold." "AII right, Robin from the 'hood is in the house." "Give me 7-1 1, I don't mean the store." "Taketh from the rich and giveth unto the poor!" "blow on these bones for me, would you, sIummy?" "AII right!" "Seven!" "AII right, Iet it ride." "No way, will." "Odds of you repeating that are six-to-one." "It says here don't even make this bet in your dreams." "carlton, and I, too, have a dream." "And in it all of the world rises up and overcomes your stupidity... now stay out of my face." "Come on, don't act like you never done it before." "AII right, my lucky drawers is riding high, put your money on me or kiss it goodbye!" "1 1 !" "Just like it's supposed to be!" "Give it to me again." "Can I get an amen?" "Amen." "Yes, sir." "AII right." "will, please, the book says there's no way you can win." "If I were you, I wouldn't touch those dice." "Posse out, short stuff." "Robin's on a roll." "AII right, here we go." "Hoagies, cheese steaks, chicken on a spit... seven come eleven 'cause I'm too legit to quit!" "Two pairs, kings and queens." "Three aces." "Sorry, Geoffrey." "You're $94 in the hole." "should we play again?" "I think not." "Are you mad at me?" "Of course not, Miss ashley." "You play very well." "Where did you learn?" "A back alley in calcutta?" "Go will." "will, you're insane." "Quit while you're ahead." "Yo!" "Man with the bald head." "Yo." "tell me what they said!" "Seven!" "Go will." "Go will." "1 1 !" "Hey!" "Now, who's hotter than Madonna in a pointy bra?" "You are!" "Just checking!" "Seven!" "May I have everyone's attention, please?" "It's time for the raffle." "A cash prize of $1,000." "And the winner is... number 10225." "carlton, did you win?" "No, I didn't play... and 10225 is my lucky number." "Wait, hold it. "10225." That's me!" "Go will." "It is with great pleasure that I present you with this check... in the amount of $1,000." "And it is with humongous pleasure that I take this chumpy off your hands." "Can we get a picture of this please?" "And now can we get a shot of will giving the check back to the L.A.P.C.?" "Wait." "Excuse me?" "We'd Iike a shot of you donating the money back to the L.A.P.C." "Wait." "What?" "You want me to donate $1,000?" "That's the idea." "That's a bad idea." "But it's club tradition." "well, we got a club tradition in philly, too... it says if they don't have one, you don't give them your money." "Honest, Geoffrey, it'd make me feel a Iot better if you'd just take your money back." "No, thank you." "A gentleman always accepts his losses gracefully." "Okay, Geoffrey, but you're sure we're still friends?" "Of course, Miss ashley." "I just don't understand why you're making such a big deal about this money." "I mean, it ain't like I took the Benz drag racing down Sunset..." "at 4:00 in the morning." "TattIetaIe." "will, I'm making a big deal because every year the club picks a charity... and donates that money to that charity." "But, uncle phil, look, if it's supposed to be my money... how come I can't do what I wanna do with it?" "And I don't wanna donate it to the L.A.P.C." "will, donating that money is a tradition... and a tradition isn't something to be thrown away on a whim." "Whoa, hold up." "You calling a red leather suit with matching seat covers a whim?" "will, you're being awfully selfish." "obviously, you haven't learned a thing since you've been here." "We've all been blessed." "And donating to someone less fortunate than yourself is not an option... it's a responsibility." "I hear what you're saying, uncle phil, you're right." "Keeping money that isn't yours is wrong." "Very, very wrong." "I know." "Hey, ashley, honey, what's up?" "would everyone just get off my case?" "I want to give him the money back, but he won't take it." "Whoa, puberty's in the house." "Hey, you looking fine today." "Thanks I did a little something different with my hair." "Hey, here's your boom box." "I re-wired it." "It works fine now." "You owe me 50 cents." "Man, 50 cents?" "That's real reasonable." "Hey, a happy customer is a loyal customer." "How much for the shoe shine?" "$150." "Hey, I gotta make up the differences somewhere." "How else am I gonna get to basketball camp?" "AII right, well, hey, Iet's just get out of here before..." "Linda blair's head starts spinning around." "Good morning, baby." "Mommy, you look so pretty." "Thank you." "hilary's taking your father and me to brunch at the club today." "I wanted to thank them for being helpful while I organized Monte carlo night." "The way we all pulled together made me see the importance of family... and how truly blessed I am." "What about the rest of us?" "We're your family, too." "Yeah, but if I take all of you I won't have enough money left over to buy a hat." "You know what I was thinking?" "I'm tired of going to the club, seeing those same old faces all the time." "What say we head down to Denny's for a short stack?" "philip, hilary wants to take us to the club for brunch." "After what will did last night, they're all going to be gossiping about us." "Why put ourselves through that?" "They won't be gossiping." "will gave the check back." "Besides, people at our club aren't like that." "I mean, no one cared about Mrs. SiIverberg's divorce." "I heard she's been seeing the golf pro." "I heard her husband caught them in the utility closet." "But did you know that both of them were wearing nothing but cleats?" "It was the tennis pro in the steam room." "But the cleats part is right." "Kids talk." "You see, Vivian, everybody's looking at us." "No, they aren't." "Vivian, I want to congratulate you on having such a talented daughter." "Here, in case you need this." "Thank you, but I don't smoke." "It's gold." "It's worth something." "I thought she was still on the wagon." "Something very strange is going on here." "Excuse me." "Waiter?" "could we have the check, please?" "It's already been taken care of." "By whom?" "By the way, if you need to unload one of your cars, I can give you cash." "I just sold a screenplay." "Excuse me a minute." "Henry!" "What in God's name is going on here?" "If you needed money, why didn't you come to me... instead of making will keep that check?" "It was will's idea." "I told him to give it back." "Sure." "Sure, old man." "George, would you tell him that will gave back that check please?" "well, I'd love to, but he didn't." "But I told him to." "well, this is obviously some kind of mistake." "Oh, sure and Mrs. SiIverberg was wearing cleats... because she forgot her shower shoes." "Geoffrey, I took a piece of gum from your windbreaker." "Quite all right, Miss ashley." "No, I insist on paying you back." "Here." "A stick of DoubIemint costs but a few pennies." "A few pennies, $94." "Why split hairs?" "Miss ashley, you have offended my honor." "Honor schmonor." "It's your male pride." "Miss ashley!" "I'm sorry, Geoffrey, but I'm sick and tired of men acting like pouty babies... just because you beat them at something." "Like the time I beat Bobby Greenspan at tetherbaII." "After that, he told everyone at school that I took steroids." "I apologize, Miss ashley." "I have acted like an utter fool." "That's all right, Geoffrey." "I had to stuff Bobby Greenspan in his locker before he would apologize." "Man, I finally beat you." "Hey, man, no, the sun was in my eyes." "Man, the same sun was in my eyes." "Stop being a baby." "Hey, man, I ain't being no baby." "And if you beat me again, I'm taking my ball and I ain't being your friend." "Man, I gotta go find G, he got some shoes for me to shine." "philip, I'm sure will just hasn't gotten around to returning the check yet." "Vivian, when I tell will to do something I expect for it to be done." "Hey, Aunt Viv!" "uncle phil." "Whoa, you got that mad look in your eyes." "Let me guess." "You grabbed Geoffrey's underwear by mistake, am I right?" "will, why didn't you give that check to charity like I told you to?" "What you talking about?" "I did." "Don't stand there and lie to me." "I'm not lying." "I just got back from the club... and I've never been so humiliated." "I thought we had an agreement... that that money was going to go where it was most needed." "Now, you march upstairs and get me that check." "well, I can't." "The money's gone." "will, how could you have spent $1,000 already?" "Wow, will, you must be loaded!" "You spent $1,000 and had another $1,000 to give to me for basketball camp?" "I gotta raise your shoeshine rate." "You gave the money to Ramon?" "well, you know, it's just a Ioan, till his sneaker endorsement comes through... you know, around 2010." "will, that was very commendable, but that's not what that money was raised for." "Come on, uncle phil." "You said I got a break... and I was supposed to give somebody else a break... so I gave the money to Ramon." "He's right, philip, you did say that." "I'II still donate $1,000 to L.A.P.C." "Yeah, that's cool." "But, Iooky here." "Seeing as how you're in this extremely generous mood..." "I want to know if you was down with donating... to the United Negro Nephew Fund." "You know, they say a Saturday night is a terrible thing to waste." "child, you must be on dog food." "No, see, I ain't down with that country stuff." "Country...." "Here we go, one more time, here it is...." "I thought we had an agreement, that we were gonna give that money to where...." "Be with me, people." "Pray for me now." "english"