"CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" "Well, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello." "God rest ye, merry ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to QI's Christmas party." "To celebrate this most magical time of the year, we've conjured up a show absolutely heaving with hocus-pocus." "Waving their fairy wands tonight are the bewitching" "Graham Norton." "CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" "The mysterious Lee Mack." "CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" "The wizardly Daniel Radcliffe!" "CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" "And of course, my glamorous assistant, Alan Davies." "CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" "So, release your incantations, gentlemen." "Graham goes..." "'Hey presto!" "'" "Very nice." "Lee goes..." "'Abracadabra!" "'" "Daniel goes..." "'Expelliarmus.'" "LAUGHTER" "And Alan goes..." " CHILD'S VOICE: - 'Please!" "'" " LAUGHTER" "That was the magic word, wasn't it?" "So, izzy wizzy, let's get busy with our first question." "What is the oldest trick in the book?" " LEE:" "Can we take these off now?" " You can, if you're hot." "Otherwise, I'll have a sudden desire to sort out my pension." "So, what is the oldest trick in the book?" "'Abracadabra!" "'" "Debbie McGee." "GROANING" "Shame on you, Lee Mack!" "It's Christmas as well, isn't it?" " It is, yeah." "Was that charitable?" " Not really, I take that back." " OK." " Is it an ancient Greek book?" " Even older." "Ooh" " Egyptian?" " Egyptian is right." " I think I might..." " You might know this?" "!" "Is it about a man called Dedi?" "Dedi." "How do you know about Dedi?" "You're right." "He was a man who did the first magic trick, which was, I think," " the decapitation of a goose." " You're right." "And...tore it off and did it to impress the king, and it's in an ancient scroll." " It is!" " Which I do know the name of, I think I do." " Go on." " The Westcar Papyrus?" "The Westcar Papyrus." "This man is brilliant." " CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" " How incredible!" "I mean, I should say I have had..." "Yes, there is a certain amount of..." " They teach this at Hogwarts?" " Absolutely." " I don't want you to think..." " This is going to be a very short show!" "Next question!" "I'm not about the jokes." "It's all about points for me." " All about points." " I'm here to win." "I like that when you got cast as Harry Potter, they give you a crash course in as much wizardry as they possibly can, then you just topped it off with a bit of acting." "That's pretty much it." "What part of pulling a goose's head off is a trick?" " Yes!" "And then restored it." " That's the point." "That's the point." "Oh, the old "two geese in my bag" trick?" "It was very..." "Do you do geese every week?" " He did it for King Cheops in 2,600 BC." " Cheops, of course(!" ")" "The Great Pyramid of Giza was the Cheops." "I can imagine King Cheops going, "Seen it."" "He did a goose, a duck, then he moved on to an ox, and he would wrench their heads off and then they would be restored." "You may say, "I want to see this trick, if it existed." That's the point, because it is the oldest trick in the book, it's recorded then, all that time ago," "nearly 5,000 years ago, but it's still done today." "And do you know what?" "We have a magician who's going to come on and show you that trick." "All right?" "So..." "But first - ladies and gentlemen, it's Christmas time - we have to summon him." "His name is Scott, so let's say, "Accio Scott," all right?" "It was all so mystical until then." ""His name is..." "Scott!"" "It's Scott Penrose." "He's the vice president of the Magic Circle." " So, after three, two, one, we go, "Accio Scott." Three, two, one..." " ALL:" "Accio Scott!" " Whoa!" " Oh, my God!" "He wasn't there and then he was there." "What happened?" "!" "It's magic, Lee, isn't it wonderful?" "Scott, welcome." " Lovely to see you, sir." " So, I believe you can do the Dedi trick that Dan told us about?" " Indeed." " Would you like to do it, please, with...?" " I'll give it a go with Norman." "Just give it a bit of a pull..." "LEE:" "No, no, no!" "Argh!" "There we go, just pop his head back on." " There he goes." " Brilliant." "Fabulous." "The sensational Scott Penrose, ladies and gentlemen." "CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" "There you are." "The oldest trick in the book." "The other thing, I think, about that trick, is that it's the first time a trick was done that was purely a trick and that wasn't done as, you know, some supernatural powers involved." "That was the first thing that was written down as a trick." "I can do the first half of it." "LAUGHTER" " It's really tricky, the second half." "I practise, I practise, but..." " Just won't go back on?" "Won't go back on at all." "There's blood everywhere and my wife's screaming." "Children are running out" " the house, "Where's our budgie?" It's horrible." " But was it a trick?" "So..." "But..." "That was really the very first trick ever?" "That we know of." "It's written down." "Surely someone did "Pull my finger" before that?" "!" "Maybe." "The oldest trick in the book involved pulling the heads off Egyptian animals." "So, what might go wrong if you tried to catch a bullet in your teeth?" "I say!" "Is that you, Lee?" "That's a good-looking lad, whoever that is." " 'Abracadabra!" "'" " Is the danger that you will end up turning into one of Britain's top light entertainers?" "So charming." "Something about your teeth getting knocked out?" "Well, there is that danger, I would imagine." "How does it work?" "Do you think someone fires a gun into your face?" "No, but if you don't open your mouth properly, then the bullet would break your teeth from the other side?" "It's secreted in the mouth, in some fashion." "There are other dangers and there have been disasters." "In 1869, Dr Epstein, who was a magician, he used to tamp the gun down with his wand in this magical fashion, and he left a tiny bit of wand in." "So he had the bullet in his mouth and when his assistant fired the gun, a bit of the wand went out and killed him." " So that can happen." " It must have been amazing being in the audience." ""God, this is good!" "What's going to happen now?" "!" "There's blood spurting from the back of his neck."" "There was a man called Raoul Curran, in 1880, made the mistake of doing the trick in the Wild West." "A drunk fellow said, "If you can stop a bullet, stop this one"... and just shot him in the head..." "..right in the forehead, and killed him - stone dead." " Sort of serves him right, though." " Yeah, it's a heck of a heckle." "It's a rubbish trick, isn't it?" "Everyone who watches it must go, "Bullet was in his mouth."" " Well..." " There's not one bit where you go, "I wonder if he caught the bullet?"" " There are some amazing ones, though, like Penn and Teller do a really..." " Yes." " It's frightening." "They get the bullet from the audience and, I know it's a trick, but..." "You are right." "And Penn and Teller are amongst the best." "There was a bloke who disembowelled himself." "Quite early on, in days of conjuring tricks, they were all fairly gruesome things, like beheading." "The way it would work was you would have, kind of, a sheep's intestines and a prosthetic chest and stomach." "And then behind all of that, you'd put a metal plate" " and the guy did it one night and he forgot to put the metal plate on." " Oh!" "So he ended up going straight through himself and then dying." "So, not funny, but true." " Well, that's important." " He'll never make that mistake again." "No, he won't." "There was a Chinese performer called Chung Ling So - he wasn't Chinese, his real name was Robinson, William Robinson - but he performed under Chung Ling Soo and only spoke a sort of cod Chinese, never spoke English on stage, ever " "until a terrible moment, when he did the trick with the bullet." "The bullet, or fragment, went into him and killed him, and he spoke English." "He said, "Oh, God, something's gone wrong." "Close the curtains." Those were his last lines." "Do you reckon there's a real magician called Chung Ling Soo in China that goes under the name of Bob Robinson?" "And he'll only speak cod English!" "LANCASHIRE ACCENT:" "Pick a card, any card you like." "Pick a card." "HE PRETENDS TO SPEAK IN CHINESE" "Oooh!" " That's when it went wrong, yeah?" " Exactly." "I've got you." "If you are tempted to catch a bullet in your teeth, don't." "You should, in fact, just probably disappear as fast as possible." "First, describe the Great Lafayette's last and greatest disappearing act." " There is the Great Lafayette." "You've probably not heard of him." " No." "Even though he was the most successful entertainer in Britain." "Did he make his giant horse disappear?" " Turn it into a dog?" " A lazy dog." " Is that a motor vehicle or...?" "It's an early motor vehicle, yes." "He was sold out ten years in advance, that's how successful he was." "He earned £44,000 a year, which is the equivalent of about two-and-three-quarter million pounds a year." "He was hugely successful." "Incredibly famous." "He was kind of the Liberace of his day." "He wore diamonds, and that dog you see was given to him by Houdini and was called Beauty." "He had a private railway carriage and so did Beauty, and Beauty had a little porcelain bath and his own china and crystal." "Yeah, a bit camp, I agree." "Then Beauty died, not surprisingly, from being overfed, and he insisted that he was embalmed and buried and they said at the cemetery," ""Well, only if you promise to be buried there as well." It's a human cemetery not a pet one." "So he said yes." "And four days later he did die." "A lamp got upturned and the stage caught on fire - the audience thought it was part of the trick." "By the time they realised, 11 people had burnt to death." "Including..." "This, incidentally, is NOT funny, a midget in a mechanical bear suit." "LAUGHTER" "I'm sure I prefaced that with, "It isn't funny."" " What's wrong with you people?" "You're sick!" " They are sick." "Anyway, they found his body, cremated it, the bits that weren't already cremated, obviously." "They pulled the theatre down where this had happened and they found another body." "They realised from the diamonds on the ring that that was in fact the Great Lafayette." " They buried the wrong man?" " Yeah." "So he'd been burnt and buried and he'd been magically restored as another dead body." " That's very, very good." " It is good!" " It's a good trick." " Very good." " What did they do?" "Did they...?" " They had to get rid of the old one..." " It's Beauty I feel sorry for." " Yeah, I know." "In the afterlife going, "Who are you?" "!"" "Anyway, yes, you can go to Piershill Cemetery to this day and you can see the Great Lafayette, who was - now sadly forgotten - but in his day, the most popular performer." "I'm more saddened about the poor other guy." "What happened to him?" "The reason is, part of his magic thing was he would appear and disappear very quickly, cos he had a lot of stand-ins, doubles who were exactly like him." "He would go off stage and then suddenly still be on stage." "It's cos his stand-in in the same costume had gone on." "He was very good at that, which is why one of the stand-ins had been buried instead I suppose." "So the Great Lafayette's final trick was to turn up intact three days after being cremated." "Now, from testing spells - you'll like this - to spelling tests." "ALL GROAN" " Yes. "I before E..." Fingers on buzzers. "..except after...?" - 'Please!" "'" " C." " Oh!" "KLAXON SOUNDS" "No, that just isn't a rule, and why isn't it a rule?" "Because of..." "Because of words where..." " Where it's not!" " E comes before I after C." " There are more exceptions to the rule than the rule itself, by quite a long way." " Who's counted that?" " "Ceiling"!" " They've been counted. - "Ceiling"." "There are 923 English words that have a C-I-E in them..." " Do we have to name them all?" " No." "You're let off." "Name some." " "Ceiling"." " No, that's C-E-I." "LAUGHTER" " C-E-I, that's what you said!" " No." "No, the supposed rule is..." " ALAN: - "I before E, except after C."" " But I'm saying, in fact, there are 923 which break that rule." " "Receive", "receipt"..." "So if it's, "I before E except after C,"" " we're looking for words where E follows C, aren't we?" " No." "No, the rule is it should be C-E-I, according to that." "Oh, you're saying it's wrong." " There are 923..." " I know one which it isn't. "Ceiling", that's not one." " "Ceiling" isn't one." " No!" " "Ceiling" isn't one of the ones you're looking for." " Yes." "I want the ones I am looking for." " Not "ceiling"." " Lee, I'm looking for the ones I'm looking for, so give me a C-I-E." ""Ceiling"?" "Oh, God." "I may explode at any minute." "C-I-E, um..." " "Receipt"..." " Those are the ones that conform to the rule." " OK, the rule is looking pretty good." " "Glacier"." ""Species"." "Yes, but now I know them and I didn't think I knew any." "The point is, there are lots." "These are ones with E-I, without the C in front, obviously," " as well as the C-I-E..." " You don't even have to have a C now?" "No!" "They're E-I!" "Are you incapable of rational thought?" "LAUGHTER" "Are you...?" "You cannot be that stupid!" "You cannot be that..." " Nobody..." " Stephen, can I just say, you really are going to have to work on your Bruce Forsyth patter." " "Are you really capable of rational thought?" "I mean, really."" " This is not The Generation Game." "This is QI." " "Are you a human being?" "I don't think you are."" " Work it out." "These words don't count, they're not even English words - "hacienda" and "concierge"." "The point is, there are 21 times as many words" " that break the rule than don't." " However, if you want to spell "ceiling"..." " If you want to spell "ceiling"..." " Or "receipt". - ..or "conceit" or "deceit"." " I before E except after C." " Yeah, but if you want to spell "veil" and "weird"..." "Yeah, but there's no C in those." "No." "It's "I before E" - every time - "except after C"" " but in "weir"..." "That's the point." " Oh, I see!" " God!" "APPLAUSE" "You cannot be that stupid!" "He said it and you're looking at me!" "How do I get the blame for his stupidity?" "I've got my own, thank you." "Wow!" " Daniel, you're the only person on this show who isn't a complete idiot." " No!" " It's become clear." " I assure you, I am." "That's why I'm keeping so quiet." " Anyway, "ceiling" begins with S(!" ")" "That's why I'm keeping quiet - I'm actually on Lee's wavelength, but I don't want to get a bollocking." " Oh, I'm sorry." " He's got I before E. Is that right?" "Oh, God." " Who?" " Daniel." " That is how you spell my name." " How do you spell...?" " Because it should be I before E!" "You can't..." "Can we count proper nouns?" "What about my surname, am I spelling that right?" "There's an I and an E in that." " It's I before E always." " Yeah, always." " According to the rule." " But the rule's wrong, Stephen." " It is." "It's now officially no longer taught in schools because it is so clear." " Really?" "Is it not at all?" " It's not." "So the rule now is, "It's I before E or sometimes it's E before I."" "LAUGHTER" " Mostly after a C, it's I-E." " If in doubt, look it up, you lazy git." ""I before E, except for the following 923."" " And then you reel them all off." " Thank God for spell-check." "Number one, "ceiling"..." "LAUGHTER" "I am..." "Number two, "red ceiling"." ""Blue ceiling"." "Help me, lads, I'm running out of colours." "I am slightly shocked by my intolerance, and you'll have to forgive me, but I think we've got it." "The spelling trick "I before E"" "is wrong on so many occasions schools have stopped teaching it." "That's enough lessons, it's play-time, you'll be pleased to know." " I'm very pleased!" " Good." "In which game is it the aim to throw a ball like this into a goal like this?" "Quidditch!" "Ah." " KLAXON" " I thought it had to be cos he's here!" " No, this is from a genuine, real-life world sport." " Aztecs." "No, but..." "It is..." "Mexicans." "Are we looking for a nationality or a game name?" " It's a French game, and rather recent. 1970, it was invented." " Oh!" "It's very similar to Quidditch." "It has a goal almost identical to a Quidditch goal." "In Quidditch, what do you travel on?" " A broomstick." " A broomstick." "This is..." " But that is" " special effects, though, isn't it?" " Yeah." "And very painful." " Painful?" "Can I just say, this is a bit unfair that my questions are," ""What is I before E except after C?" "," and his questions are, "How do you fly around in Quidditch?"" " No, that was just simply me asking him." " I'm not getting points for this!" "No, no, he's not." "What's kind of odd is that, if you catch the Snitch, which is the ball in the films," " you win automatically." " Yeah." "That team wins." "It doesn't matter how many points you score with the other ball." " It does seem unsatisfactory in that respect." " It's almost like it's not FIFA-regulated, isn't it?" "!" "And also, how far you can go away from where you're playing." " I'd not thought of that." " That annoys me, personally." "Why have a pitch?" "Just to return to this one, this is called horseball, and it's played not on broomsticks, but on...?" " Horses." " Horses!" "And we have some footage of it being played." "There it is." " So it's like a sort of polo, only in the air." " Look how popular it is!" "Look at the crowd!" " And there you are, through there." "That's a goal." " Wow." "That would be only interesting if only the horses were allowed to catch." "But that's actually closely related to a game called pato." "Pato being the Spanish for...?" "Duck." "Instead of having a ball, they would have a basket with a live duck in it!" "And they would throw it, and it became the national game of Argentina under Juan Peron in 1953." " He declared it the national game, over football." " I love the idea that, after the Hand of God, they said, "Look, let's just make this a sport."" " But what about Quidditch?" "Does anybody really play Quidditch?" " Yes, they do." " Various American universities have now got Quidditch clubs." " Hundreds." "Hundreds of them, yeah." "It's a lot less exciting than in the films." "They're running round with a broom between their legs?" "And catching and..." "Yeah, it's..." "It's great if you're in it, I'm sure." "If you're in the sweeper position!" "It's called Muggle Quidditch, not surprisingly, because they can't fly, and there are over 200 college teams in America." "Do they play each other?" "So, horseball has similar rules to Quidditch, but the players ride on horses instead of broomsticks." "Which of these would you rather have on your Quidditch team?" "A Muggle, Hagrid, or Dumbledore?" "Is it the one that looks like Julius Caesar about to be sick in a bucket?" "I don't know which one that is." "On the left." "Oh, I see." "Yes, he does!" " I think that's..." "Dudley, is it?" " Yes." "The point is, in a lot of JK Rowling's work, the words are real, and "dumbledore" is a real English word, as is "hagrid", as is "muggle"." "And I want you to tell me what they really mean." "Dumbledore has got to be some sort of a term for village idiot." "Funnily enough, yes, it became that." "In Thomas Hardy's Under The Greenwood Tree, it means a slow simpleton." "It's used that way." "But actually, it has an earlier meaning." "Is there a hagrid reference in one of the Thomas Hardy books as well?" " There may well be." " One of them, I don't know which." " I'm sure..." " The longer form, hagridden, I've seen many times," " but start with..." " Monster-like." " Start with "muggle"." "Do you know where the word "muggle" might have been used?" "Sounds like some sort of woodland creature or something furry." "Actually, it's an American jazz-age word." "It's a drug." " Marijuana?" " Marijuana is the right answer." "It was a word for marijuana, for cannabis, and more particularly for people who smoked it." " People who smoked marijuana were called muggles." " Hilarious!" "In New Orleans, they're all getting stoned, going, "Quidditch is really boring!"" "In New Orleans, 1920s, that was it." "What's the next word?" "We've got "hagrid", which is used in Hardy, the Mayor Of Casterbridge." " GRAHAM:" " I've seen it in the longer form, hagridden!" " Yes, hagridden!" " LAUGHTER" " Very good - clever of you!" "It means..." "Hagridden..." "Oh, it means a bony old horse..." " It's a MARE." " It's a nightmare." " Yes!" " It's a nightmare involving a horse..." "No?" "Is it something to do with somebody placing through...?" "If you had bad dreams, you were said to be hagridden." " Ah, that's great." " Witches would come to you in the night." " That's fantastic." " What's happened to her?" "!" " Is that a drunk person not finding the toilet?" "Since records began..." "That's horrible." "They'll feel terrible when they wake up!" "That's the relationship that's not going to survive, isn't it?" "!" "When people sleep badly these days, they think they've been probed by aliens, but before the idea of aliens came, it was goblins and witches and demons, and hags." "And that's what hagridden means." " What's the horse doing?" " That's the night-MARE." " He's operating the video." " LAUGHTER" " ALAN:" " Early sort of animal dogging." " Very good." " With his big hooves!" "So that leaves us with "dumbledore", which, as you say, has been used to mean a simpleton." "There's the great Gambon." "But it had an earlier meaning." "The first half of it." " Dumble." " Think of a rhyming word for "dumble"." " Jumble." " Jumble, mumble, crumble..." " Not mumble." " Ceiling!" "LAUGHTER" " Don't try me too hard, Lee Mack." " Stumble." " No, you're..." " Bumble." " Yes." " Bumblebee." "A type of bee!" " It is a bumblebee." " I've redeemed myself." "There were different ways of saying it." "A dore means a humming insect in old English." "A dumbledore means a bumblebee." " That's great." " Isn't it?" "Pleasing." " I can't believe I didn't know it." "I'm really annoyed." "I've missed out on precious points." " LAUGHTER" " You got some points, from knowing it was in Hardy." " I'm pleased." "Yeah." "But how did Hogwarts tackle drinking problems?" " Is that a character, Drinking Problems?" " No!" "Harry Potter And The Goblet Of Special Brew!" "LAUGHTER" " The word existed before the book, then." " Yes." "When the hog finds that the creek's run dry, there's nowhere to drink..." "No, it's drinking problems of an alcoholic sort." " GRAHAM:" " It's sailors." "Yes, it is." "In the US Navy." "Very good." "They came straight to your mind, didn't they?" "!" "I just thought, "Who drinks?" "Who drinks?" Sailors!" "This isn't fair!" "He's getting questions about Quidditch, he's getting questions about sailors!" "And a particular branch of the US Navy - submariners." "Now, torpedoes, right, used to run on ethyl alcohol." "That was their fuel." "Since 1914, the US Navy have been dry, you're not allowed to drink." "On board, they had 180% proof alcohol." "So, how to stop them drinking it?" " Well..." " Putting it in..." "It would kill you unless you add tonic, I think." "It wouldn't kill you." "They had plenty of juices they could add to it, and they did." "Delicious, then!" "No, that's the point." "You wanted to stop it being delicious, or make it dangerous for them." "Putting it inside a torpedo would go some way..." "It had to be stored as fuel, and it could be got at, so what you do is add something." "They started by adding methanol, known as pink lady, which makes you blind." "They said, "If you drink this, you will go blind."" "We've all been told things like that." "It didn't stop us!" "That's the problem!" "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" "That's exactly the problem." "Anyway, it didn't work, so they added...?" "Something called croton oil, which came from the spurge plant, known as the hogwart." "So they added hogwart's juice." "And that made you vomit and gave you diarrhoea." "But that didn't work either, because they boiled it up, and it condensed off again, and they would carry on drinking it." " They added pineapple juice." " And also, regular alcohol makes you vomit..." "That's a night out, isn't it?" "That's probably true." "But that was the role that hogwarts played, anyway." "JK Rowling, in interviews, when it was pointed out that there was such a thing as hogwart, said that she thought she'd made it up herself, but that maybe she'd been to Kew Gardens and seen it and it just registers in the back of your mind, as these things often do." "I have visions of JK Rowling with a bottle of meths - "I made it up, and if anyone says different..."" " Roh-ling." " What did I say?" " Row-ling." " W before O, except after R." "Like "bowling", not like "howling"." "It could be either, you're right." "Anyway, I'm sorry." "I'm not picking on you, Lee." "I love you deeply." " LEE LAUGHS" " Sorry, mustn't overdo it." "If you were, it would be the most middle-class way of picking on anyone!" ""I think you'll find it's Roh-ling, like "bowling"!"" ""Stop the bully!"" "During the war, American sailors used to drink torpedo fuel cocktails, though the Navy tried to stop them by adding hogwart oil." "Now, here's a Harry question." "Why does the Domesday Book contain so many empty villages in Yorkshire?" "'Expelliarmus!" "'" "Is it...the Harrowing of the North?" " The Harrying of the North." " Ah, right, OK." "My understanding of it is that there was basically..." "In the city of York, there was an uprising against the Norman troops that were there, and then, basically, all the people in the city realised that they were vastly outnumbering the soldiers." "He's right, you're doing well!" "But then there was a decree sent by the King after this uprising, and everything was burnt from 100 miles." "You got the salient points, yes." "William the Bastard, as he was known, William the Conqueror." "What's the matter?" "Don't be put off by a young person knowing more than you, Alan." " You must be used to it by now." " I'm just mucking about, sir, sorry." " So what did he say, what is it?" " I wasn't listening!" " LAUGHTER" " Oh, you're in trouble!" " The Harrying..." " We weren't concentrating." "We were thinking about ten-pin "bow-ling"." "Well...the Harrowing of the North, for those at the back, was the worst example of genocide..." "G-E-N-O-C-I-D-E." "Oh, you're in trouble!" "As it's Christmas, I'm going to be very lenient." "It was actually our worst-ever act of genocide..." "LAUGHTER" "You see?" " I've done tits!" " Yes, tits..." "Fabulous(!" ")" "I've done tits!" " Sorry, what about this...?" " It's Mack, sir." "He made me do it." " People from the north were ruthlessly killed." " Oh." "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" "You say ruthlessly - with a war-cry of," ""It's Rowling as in bowling!" "Off with his head!"" "Yes, exactly." "They killed them, sir?" "They killed them in the north?" "They killed them." "The Normans slaughtered one in ten of everyone in the north, 100,000 people." "And those that survived mostly died of starvation or lived in..." " But little did they know how good we were at breeding!" " Yes!" "But it took decades." "It really was laid absolutely waste." "The Harrying of the North." "It sounds gentle, "I'll give him a harrying,"" "but it was vile." "That's Harrying," "But what about Pottering?" "What creature was the subject of Beatrix Potter's first work?" "I bet it's not Peter Rabbit." "Is the right answer!" "LEE:" "Thank God you stopped me!" "Would you have said rabbit?" "I'd have said, "Is it not Peter Rabbit?"" " No..." " I would have said rabbit, yes." "No, her first work was not a children's book." "Wasn't it the book that they based the film Boogie Nights on?" "It'd be so lovely if I were to say, "Yes!" "And that's 100 points!" "How extraordinary you should know that!"" ""Rollergirl was based on Beatrix Potter's mother!"" "No, it was a serious work of botanical - as it was then called, it's now mycological - study." "What is mycology?" "Does that mean anything to you?" "The study of people called Mike." " That would be interesting in its way." "No, it's fungus." " Fungus." "Why did the mushroom go to the party?" "Because he was a fun-gi to be with!" "Yeah." " Ah!" " Anyway, yeah, that's what she did." "She wrote a book, it was presented by her uncle to the Linnean Society" " in the 1890s." "Why by her uncle?" "Why not by her?" " Because she was a woman." " I'm afraid that's the case." "It took them 100 years to apologise for the slight." " And also, she was a mushroom expert - who wants to meet her?" "!" " Well...!" " You know what I mean!" "It was like, "Yeah, talk to Beatrix, she's great on mushrooms..."" "She couldn't even do the joke, could she?" " She couldn't even say, "But I'm a fun-gi to be with."" " No." "But she did then write a story for the son of a former nanny about Peter Rabbit, and it started with the words, "Once upon a time," ""there were four rabbits, called..."?" "Flipsy, Bipsy, Dopsy and Flopsy, or something." "Close, but not..." "Flopsy, Mopsy," "Cottontail and...?" " AUDIENCE:" "Peter." " They know." " Exactly." " She wrote that after she's had a massive bag of magic mushrooms!" "And she did the illustrations, and the recipient said," ""You should publish them." She did, and became a gigantic success." " Mr McGregor!" "Agh!" " In 1903, Peter Rabbit was" " the first merchandised licensed toy ever." " DANIEL:" "Wow!" "Is it fair to say it outsold her mushroom book?" "It did!" "It so did, yeah!" "Very fair to say." "But she lived in central London, and if you go to Brompton Cemetery, in fashionable west London," " do you know what you see on the gravestones there?" " Massive rabbit." " No." " GRAHAM:" " Mushrooms!" "You see the inspiration for some of her greatest works." "It's quite fun..." " Jemima Puddle-Duck." " Not that, but there's..." " Big bag of crack." " Peter Rabbett, there's..." "There's a grave for a Peter Rabbett, spelled B-B-E-T-T, there's a Jeremiah Fisher, there's a Mr Nutkins, there's a Mr Brock and a Mr McGregor." "All there." "So it looks like, when she was looking for names, she just wandered around and chose them from the gravestones." "Anyway, Beatrix Potter was a rather successful botanist before becoming a children's author." "Her first publication was about fungi." "Well, that's it for magic." "Now for the tricky bit - it's general ignorance." "Fingers on buzzers, if you'd please." "When should you open the first door on your Advent calendar?" " 'Abracadabra.'" " Yeah?" " First of December." " Oh!" "KLAXON BLARES" " I didn't say December the first!" " Hey!" "Nice try to get out of it!" "No, it's the fourth Sunday before Christmas, and that can be one of a range of days between November 27th and December 3rd." "The point is, you open it on Advent Sunday." " To be honest, I don't usually have one." " Aw, don't you?" "As your children grow up, you will." "You will." "They'll love them." " I just stopped getting mine." " Did you stop getting them?" " Yeah." " I felt 19 was then the last one." " Right." " I'm 20." "So you've got to buy them 20 years' worth of Advent calendars." " Can you get them a Kelly Brook Advent calendar?" " I'm not sure!" "You cannot!" " That's very bad." "Very bad." " That's quite creepy." " Do you remember when pubs used to have the peanuts on the card?" " Oh, yes." "And there would be a naked girl." "As you pulled them off, there'd be a girl beneath, encouraging the blokes to eat more nuts! "Get more nuts!"" "Johnny Vegas told me that in his local pub in St Helens, it was a topless pub, and if you paid an extra 50p, she'd dip it in the pint before she gave it to you." "Divert your ears!" " Please!" " ALAN:" " How erotic(!" ")" "More often than not," "Advent actually starts in November, not on December 1st." "So, who'd like to pull a Christmas cracker?" "I've got one." "They've even got your names on." "That's Lee's...and that's Alan's." " Thank you." " There you are, pass them on." "You can see the names there." "One for Graham, one for Daniel." " With each other?" " Shall we do that?" "Oh, I lost twice." "Great." " That worked quite well." " Give him one of the jokes, Alan, if you'd be so kind." " No way." " Oh, you must." "Let him have a joke." " So, Graham, would you like to read your joke?" " OK, here we go." " Oh!" " Did you write these, Stephen?" " Are they good?" " It just sounds like something you might write." " Knock-knock..." " Who's there?" " To." " To who?" "To whom, surely!" " LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" " That's a good joke." ""S Fry."" "Oh, dear." "Lee, what's your joke?" " Knock-knock..." " Who's there?" "JK Row-ling..." "No." "What cheese do you use to coax a bear out of its cave?" "What cheese do you use to coax a bear out of its cave?" " Come on, bear!" " Camembert, brilliant!" " "Come on, bear!"" " Camembert, very good!" "Is that really it?" "Yeah." "I didn't even know bears liked cheese." " They love it." " No." "I'm not going to..." "I'm not going to fall for that one, Lee." "Daniel." "Who is the most famous married woman in America?" " AUDIENCE MEMBER SHOUTS" " I didn't hear that." " AUDIENCE MEMBER:" " Mississippi!" "Mrs Sippi!" "That's really...excellent." " Alan." " What disease can you get from decorating a Christmas tree?" "LEE:" "Syphilis." " Tinsel-itis." "No?" " Yes, it is." "Tinsel-itis." "Well, there you are." "Now, you'll be pleased to know there's a department of the University of Hampshire called the Public Understanding of Psychology, and Richard Wiseman has a theory about cracker jokes, which is they SHOULD be bad." "Why..." "Why is that a good thing?" "Alan." "Who's speaking?" " You're wishing you hadn't had that methanol now." " Jokes should be bad?" " Is it because..." "To make us feel superior?" " Sorry?" " To make us feel superior?" " Sort of the opposite." " They've always been bad and we don't like change?" " Partly, maybe, but his theory is that not everybody will always find a joke funny." "Therefore, the moment you tell a joke, at a party in particular, you divide the room into two - those who liked it, and those who didn't." "And sometimes nobody likes it and the person who tells it feels bad, whereas if everybody knows the joke is a terrible, groaning joke, it's everybody against the joke." "Everybody's bonded." "So yes, cracker jokes are bad because they are, and that's why they're not bad." "So that's it for this cracking QI Christmas." "Let's just check the scores and see how we're doing." " Oh, my goodness me." " I think I've done very well!" " It's really exciting." "Winning, on his first appearance, with ten points, is Daniel Radcliffe!" "CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" "And in second place with four points, Graham Norton!" "CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" "But it's pretty tight below the salt." "In third place with -18, Lee Mack!" "CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" "That just leaves you, son!" "And, just in last place is our stable donkey, Alan Davies, on -19!" "CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" "Well, it would be no kind of Christmas party if it didn't end with tricks and japes and larks of all kinds, so have you got a trick or a jape lined up, Alan?" "I have something, yes." " Ooh, who are you going to play it on?" " If I could ask Lee to be my Debbie McGee?" "LAUGHTER I'm not falling for this again!" " Take it." "Take it away." " Come on!" "This is my equipment, Lee." "If I could ask you to lie in the box, your head at that end, please..." "This is like the time you told me to smell your hankie." "What?" "!" " Chloroform joke." " Oh, chloroform." "Thank God!" "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" "All the way back, if you don't mind." "All the way in." " Just tuck yourself in under there." " Hang on, sawing?" "I didn't see that!" "Just look this way, concentrate on the audience." "Smile." " You're very happy, you're relaxed." " I'm having the time of my life(!" ")" " Are you sure you're all the way in?" " Are you sure you know what you're doing?" "!" "Ooh, hello!" "I can see why Phill Jupitus wasn't invited on this week!" "Ow!" "Ow!" "Maybe I should have had Daniel!" " I think that would have been more sensible!" " I can't feel my legs!" "I used to play a magician's assistant, you know?" "!" " Ow!" "That's the bit." " Just try and relax." " ELECTRIC SAW BUZZES Oh, my God!" " Whoa!" "Yes!" "Are you ready?" "Just relax." "It won't hurt at all." "LEE SCREAMS" " Are you all right?" " What?" " I said, are you all right?" "You're cutting my belly in half!" "Wow!" "Brilliant." "Don't worry, you've worked with all the professionals - Douglas Bader, Heather Mills..." "LAUGHTER" " I'm under stress!" " Let's just see, there's his arm." " Yes." " The arm's not the bit I'm worried about." " Yes, that's working fine." "Now, ladies and gentlemen, if this has worked..." " AUDIENCE:" " Ooh!" "Oh, my word!" " CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" " Yes!" "Look at that!" "Blimey!" "Brilliant!" "Alan Davies and the glamorous Lee Mack, ladies and gentlemen!" "CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" " Well, all I can say..." " Hang on!" "Surely you don't leave it like that?" "!" "Just hang there for the moment, Lee, and we will see." "It's going to be hard to top, boys." "Can you do something similar?" "Well!" "Come with me, Daniel Radcliffe." "Oh, I say." "This did seem like a good idea, so, er..." " Shall I?" " If you want to kneel down there..." "Right." "OK." "This feels very wrong, doesn't it?" "!" "LAUGHTER" "Children are watching and sobbing!" ""What's he doing?" "!" ""He found Dorothy, now he's killing Harry Potter!"" " OK..." " Daniel, you have..." " Are you all right, there?" "Daniel, have you finished both of the Harry Potter films by now?" "It'll be fine, it'll be fine!" "They can usually finish them without you!" "I'm so bad at this, I was about to lean through." "LAUGHTER" "Are you all right there?" "Are you comfortable?" " Yes, it's lovely, thank you." " Nothing can go wrong." "Wouldn't it be awful...?" "No, you know what I mean?" "We had the stuff about the bullet, and..." "It could go wrong!" "There'll be a story, "Then Graham got distracted by a bright light." "Oh, he's dead!"" "Have I done...?" "I think I've done it all right." "LAUGHTER" " You'll live on in films forever." " LAUGHTER" " DRUM ROLL" " Drum roll!" " OK, here we go." "So, three, two..." " AUDIENCE:" " One..." "AUDIENCE GASP AND APPLAUD" "On that bombshell, ladies and gentlemen..." "Thank you, Graham." "You saw it here." "It'll be on YouTube before you can speak, but my goodness me, on that bombshell, it's thanks to Lee and Alan..." "APPLAUSE" "..and it's thanks to Graham and the late Daniel Radcliffe!" "CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" "And a very merry Christmas to you all, good night!" "Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd" "E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk"