"Tell me what you don't like about yourself, Mrs. Kringle." "These last 15 pounds." "I've just had no luck getting rid of them." "The first 75 didn't exactly fall off, either." "It's a proven fact that men and women lose fat at different rates." "Why do you always have to compare?" "Well, you're the one sneaking all the extra Zone bars, Momma." "That's all I'm saying." "Wesley and I used to both be a lot heavier." "But we went on a liquid diet last spring... and together lost almost 200 pounds." "That's impressive." "Congratulations." "But now the holidays are here... and I've just gotta lose these last few inches before Christmas." "Can lipo help?" "Usually we get requests like yours after New Year's... when everyone makes their resolutions." "Oh, we made a resolution a year ago to be at 10% body fat by now." "It was a career choice." "Joy and I, we're the feature attraction... over at the Dolphin Mall during the holidays." "We work as Santa and Mrs. Claus." "With a name like "Kringle," what are the odds?" "Oh, it's not a coincidence, Doctor." "Thank you." "We used to be the Mayfields." "But we had our name legally changed back in '91." "I think that's when we started putting on the weight, right?" "Well, we were very method back then." "Course, with childhood obesity rates the way they are today... fat is not an image we wanna promote anymore." "The holidays don't have to be about gluttony and overindulgence." "The true spirit of Christmas is about celebration and good cheer." "And studies show... that people are much cheerier if they're healthy." "Now, we try to teach the kids that." "Even our candy canes are sugar-free." "We do this for the children." "We never had any of our own and it ruined the holidays for us." "So one year, as a joke, we dressed up as the Clauses... and we got so much enjoyment out of seeing the kids' faces... we never stopped." "We take it very seriously now." "Does that mean we'll be sending your bill to the North Pole?" "Well, we'll..." "We can certainly explore the option of micro-lipo." "Although, I have to say, having two kids of my own... that the idea of a trim Santa... seems nontraditional." "You still pad the suit though, right?" "I was planning on bringing my daughter by next week." "It's our sincere hope... that by the time your kids have kids, Doctor..." "Santa will no longer be thought of as the fat man." "He'll be trim, tight, and a little bit sexy." "What about the elves?" "I always felt like that was indentured servitude." "Are you gonna do something about that?" "Do you think Mary had sex with God?" "Well..." "My personal theory is that..." "Mary got it on with Joseph before the wedding." "And then when Jesus was born, less than nine months later... she told everyone it was a virgin birth." "That way, no one would know she had sex before she was married." "It'd be pretty tough to get away with that today." "Matt, knock it off." "Although, come to think of it... you and I know someone a lot like the Virgin Mary." "Only, she got pregnant by her husband's best friend before the wedding." "She also told a big old whopper of a lie... and everyone believed it for a very long time." "Yes, but her baby was no son of God." "It was a joke, Mom." "I'm sorry." "Oh, Jesus, you're white as a sheet." "I'm not feeling very..." "Oh, okay." "I got you." "I got you." "I got you." "Here." "Come here." "For years I've been recommending you get a flu shot, Julia." "Yeah, well, I wouldn't have bothered you but Dr. Edelman's out of town... and I've been feeling really run down." "You've had a rough month." "And it wouldn't be Christmas... if you weren't trying to do more than humanly possible." "At least when I was around you had a little help with all of it." "This will sting a little." "Well, I think you're mythologizing our holidays together, Sean." "What I remember most is nagging you endlessly." "I remember that, too." "Just hold this." "I miss all of it." "So... you guys doing the big turkey dinner thing?" "No, not this year." "Matt's been invited to the Aldermans... and Annie's going to Epcot with the Epsteins." "So I imagine you and Quentin will be skiing in Gstaad... or snorkeling in St. Barts then." "I'm not seeing Quentin anymore." "And he's no longer working at the spa." " He quit?" " I fired him." "Please, Sean." "No paternalistic "I told you sos."" "I was just gonna say that..." "I'm sorry if that puts a damper on your Christmas." "No, I have a ton of work to do... and this year, Christmas is just another day." "Yeah." "Well, aren't you gonna put the Band-Aid on me?" "Right." "Sorry." "What?" "I was just thinking that... we should have Linda do a blood panel to make sure you're not anemic." "Yeah." "Fine." "You're the doctor." "This is so wrong." "Yeah, I know." "I didn't think they could put religious stuff on school grounds." "Matt, are you looking at their faces?" "They're black." "Jesus was not black." "Hey, they're a little dark-skinned, maybe." "But it's not like they have Afros." "It figures they would be allowed to do this." "Well, if you're that upset, talk to the principal." "Right." "Principal Goldberg?" "Matt, she's a Jew." "She doesn't care about Christmas." "She's at home on the 25th eating Chinese food or something." "I mean, if she really cared about this, this wouldn't have happened." "This whole thing is a fairy tale." "Come on, I thought we were skipping last period." "The story of the birth of Jesus is sacred, Matt." "It's the foundation of all Christianity." "Saying that Jesus was a mud baby is like pissing on the Bible." "You're not supposed to take it literally." "The story's for kids." "Jesus is Santa Claus for adults." "Do you know who Santa was before he became the marketing tool he is today?" "Saint Nicholas, the patron saint of charity." "But by 1931, Coca-Cola got ahold of him." "He suddenly became this big fat ass in a red suit... flying around with a sleigh and reindeer... totally corrupting the holiday and mocking any religious meaning behind it." " You're kidding." " No, I'm not." "It's a perfect example of what happens when we don't protect our history." "When we don't protect our truth... it can be rewritten." "We have to do something." "The Messiah?" "Liz, I thought you were an atheist." "I kind of go on the wagon around the holidays." "You miss out on too much good music if you don't." "And it puts me in a very forgiving mood." "Well, in that case, I'm glad it's on." "All right, shall we suck the Pringles out of the Kringle?" "Oh, sorry, maestro, we started the performance without you." "You okay?" "You look like somebody dumped a lump of coal in your stocking." "Julia's pregnant." " What?" " She came in earlier for a flu shot." "I ran a blood panel as a precautionary measure... and the lab just called and said she was pregnant." "Did you tell her?" "Liz, you can't say anything." "I think Julia's gonna be able to figure this out for herself." "How long ago did she and Quentin start seeing each other?" " Shit." " Yeah." "No, shit, I hit something." "Look." "What does it feel like?" "I don't know, like a tumor?" "Or a hernia, maybe?" "No, that's no hernia." " What are her vitals?" " Heart rate's increasing." "We're gonna have to open her up." "I'll go talk to Santa." "Linda, we're gonna need a laparotomy tray." "Consent signed." "We're going in." "10-blade." "What the hell is that?" "That's not growing out of her uterus, is it?" "Oh, my God." "Looks like somebody else didn't realize they were pregnant, either." "Heads up!" " Oh, nice catch." " I gots the good hands, baby." "Don't I know it." " Let's go." " All right." "Yeah." "I know I'm supposed to call, but I took a chance." "I thought you'd want these." "It's the handmade ornaments from when the kids were little." "Great." "One more box of decorations to hang." "Annie said you guys already trimmed the tree." "Yeah, well, you know how it is, Sean." "Everyone starts out with good intentions... and eventually I'm all by myself eating all the cookies... and guessing out loud to Jeopardy." "By the way, have you seen Matt's baby ornament?" "I mean, maybe it's in here, but..." "I don't know what could have happened to it." "Do you think it's bad luck to lose your baby's first ornament?" "Is it like losing your wedding ring?" "Julia... the blood panel came back." "You're pregnant." "Pregnant with a..." " What did you call it?" " A lithopedion." ""Litho," meaning "stone." "Pedion" meaning "child."" "You had a... petrified fetus inside of you." "How does something like that happen?" "At some point you had an undiagnosed pregnancy and the fetus died." "Through some fluke, it remained in your abdominal cavity... and just calcified over time." "Jesus, Mary, and Joseph." "How long has it been in there?" "I'd say at least 15 years." "Maybe even 20 due to the level of calcification." "The pathology lab will be much more precise." "I'm sorry, this is kind of hard to believe." "I don't believe it." "The evidence is pretty irrefutable." "I'm not pretending that I'm the Virgin Mary, but what I'm saying is I..." "I just didn't expect this." "I have a colleague, a very good doctor who could take care of..." "I'm not ready for that conversation, Sean." "I'm just trying to be helpful, Julia." "I'm probably stating the obvious here." "But Quentin is not someone you wanna..." " Please, Sean, don't say any more!" " Do you want this baby?" "I always wanted a baby." "Both of us did." "We were told it wasn't a possibility." "Was it a boy or a girl?" "After they run all the tests, we'll know more." "The organs weren't visible." "Can I see it before you send it off?" "I don't think that's a good idea." "I need to see it." "I need to be alone now, Sean." "You haven't said anything to Quentin, have you?" "That's your job, Julia." "I'd never do that." "Are you gonna tell him?" "Sorry." "Like I said earlier, I should have called first." "I don't know how I'm gonna tell Santa." "Is that for me?" "You shouldn't have." "I'm here for my payout, Christian." "You haven't answered my calls." " I'll get it off to you in the morning." " I need it now." "I'm leaving for the holidays in the morning." "All by your lonesome?" "Whatever happened to your burgeoning relationship?" "What relationship?" "I was under the impression that you and Julia..." "Julia and I had a parting of the ways." "What was the problem, she didn't have a dick?" "I'll tell you something, Christian." "She tried to blow me in her Jacuzzi and I had this epiphany." "If I'm finding this a sad chore, how could I possibly go further?" "I had to finish off in the jet." " So you and Julia never..." " No." "Not once." "I want my money now." "To be honest, I'm thrilled to be writing this check." "It means I'll never have to lay eyes on you again." "What a gift." "Happy holidays." "Matt." "Can you tell that she's still black?" "She looks albino." "You know, I was thinking we should water some of this paint down... so that they don't look so cartoonish." "No, I think we're gonna have to do second coats on all these." "They're not white enough." " You're kidding, right?" " No, I mean, you can tell that she's black." "Look, look." "When the light hits her." "You can definitely tell." "I think people will get the point." "Well, I don't want people to know that there was black underneath there before." "Why is that wrong?" "Are you okay?" "Do you love me?" " Is that what this is about?" " Do you love me?" "Honey..." "I just stole the baby Jesus... because you asked me to." "Yes, I love you." "So, if I told you a secret, you'd promise not to tell anyone, right?" "You can trust me." "Okay." "You had Mrs. Tigh's history class, right?" "Well, she made us do this family tree... and I thought it was gonna be a good Christmas present for my family." "You know?" "And..." "And then I found out that... my mom's great-grandmother... was black." "Which means that my mom is part black." "Which means that I'm..." "You didn't know that my mom was an octoroon when you met her, did you?" " I mean, you couldn't tell?" " No, a what?" "An octoroon, one-eighth black." "And that means that I'm one-sixteenth, Matt." "Honey, I don't think anybody will ever be able to tell that." "My dad might." "Matt, if I get any darker, then my dad's gonna be able to tell." "Ariel, you're whiter than me." "Well, genetically, I have more melanin in my skin." "And one day I could start to turn." "I read it online, Matt." "Could you help me bleach my skin?" " What?" " Yeah." "There's this cream... that you can get that whitens your skin and your mom probably has it at the spa." "And all you need to do is just get ahold of some of it..." "Honey, that's crazy." "Why?" "People do it all the time." "It's cosmetic." "Trying to make your skin whiter." "How is that gonna help anything?" "Because if my dad finds out that I have black blood in me... he's gonna go ballistic." "I mean, you've seen how he is... and I'm really scared what he's gonna do to me and my mom." "Yeah, but so what if you've got black blood in you from 100 years ago." "That doesn't change who you are now." " Oh, no?" " No." "What happened when your dad found out, 17 years later... that you weren't the son that he thought you were?" "How did that work out for you?" "You must have been a very good boy this year." "Santa brought you an early stocking stuffer." "Guess who is not the father of Julia's baby?" " You." " Very funny." "Quentin." "You didn't tell him, did you?" "I promised Julia..." "I wouldn't do that." "He volunteered it." "He said that he never slept with Julia." "You believe him?" "Why would he lie?" "He's too much of a cock not to crow." "So she must be seeing someone." "She mention anything to you?" "No." "She hasn't." "Are you sure?" "Not even in passing?" "I mean, you know, a friend, or somebody new at work?" "Or..." "Nope." "Shit." "Really?" "Then who the hell's the father?" "Who is the goddamn father?" "It's a pretty simple question, Joy!" "Everything all right in here?" " I knew he wouldn't take it well." " Take it well?" "She tells me how she walks around with another man's baby inside of her!" "Well, what am I supposed to say, "Ho, ho, ho"?" "Well, let me tell you something, you are the goddamn ho, Joy." "Look, it's difficult news to absorb, Mr. Kringle... but your wife has just been through major surgery... and we need to stay calm." "Oh, I'll be a lot calmer once I get an answer." "It was 17 years ago." "It was just once." "Who was it?" "It was Andy." "Andy?" "My assistant, Andy?" "He was..." "He was 18 years old!" "He was..." "He was paying his way through college by working for us." "How could you do that, Joy?" "He paid me some goddamn attention, Wes!" "After the doctors told us your sperm wasn't viable... you just jumped headlong into the whole Santa thing... and all the little brats that worshipped you... and it was all about them and your career, and I got a little lonely." "I couldn't talk to you." "I still can't." "I'll never get past this, Joy." "Ever." "You know, Mr. Kringle, I had a similar experience." "Something from the past came up in my marriage and..." "Given all you two have built together, I'd hate to see rashness prevail here." "Has it all been a lie, Joy?" "Our entire marriage?" "No, of course not." "But every day isn't Christmas." "Sometimes I don't feel jolly." "I feel like shit." "I'm tired of being Mrs. Santa Claus." "I just wanna be myself." "Joy Beckendahl, your normal... moody, middle-aged wife." "Well, I don't think that's possible anymore, Joy." "Maybe there's something to be said for embracing the truth... for living in the reality of a relationship instead of the myth." "Yeah." "Here's my reality." "She can be normal little Joy Beckendahl... the ex Mrs. Kringle." "Santa's going solo." "If you want, I can give you a gift certificate... for Mrs. Alderman to come in for a massage." "Oh, please, Mom." "This is already too much stuff." "As a mother, I can tell you... if you're being invited to spend Christmas Eve at their house... you'd better make a good impression." "Mom, trust me, giving Mrs. Alderman this much free swag... will leave the impression that I'm ready to marry her daughter." "What's Ariel's mom like?" "She's nice." "You know, typical Mom." "Nothing like you." "I didn't mean that in a bad way." "Sure you didn't." "No, I meant you're more than just a mother." "You're a big-shot business woman with a whole new career for yourself." "I mean, that's a hell of a lot better than being a stay-at-home mom, right?" "Oh, honey, you don't need this." "This is medical-grade skin bleach." "Oh, wow." "Thanks for catching that." "Believe me, if Mrs. Alderman ever put that on by mistake... you would never be invited back." "Spa De La Mer." "Hello?" "Hello?" "Hello?" "Thanks." "You're busy." "I'll call you later, okay?" "Bye." "Hello." "Did you just call me?" "Did I?" "Yeah." "Why'd you hang up?" "I was chicken." "I was calling to see what you were doing Christmas Eve." "Oh." "Are you busy?" "Sort of." "I have an appointment." "No, I'll probably wanna be alone later." "Maybe you should have someone drive you." "Come on." "Let me see it, let me see it, let me see it." "All right." "Easy." "Merry Christmas." "Silly." "You didn't have to wrap it." "What is this?" "Dr. Sloan is a psychotherapist who specializes in teen image issues." "My grandmother recommended her." "For what?" "I think you need to talk to someone about what you're going through." "All this paranoia about being black." "I'm worried." "You know, you're like an anorexic, only you can't get white enough." "You are getting way too serious." "Come on, just..." "Where's the cream?" "Look, I am serious, Ariel." "I think you need help." "And when did you become the expert on mental health?" "Found it." "Look, that's only in there because I'm returning it." " You can't have it." " What is your problem?" "Yesterday, we were having so much fun and you were totally on board with this." "Yeah, well, it's not fun anymore." "You're talking about hurting yourself with something crazy." "Hurting myself?" "They sell this in beauty parlors, Matt." " God!" "What's the big deal?" " This is stronger than that stuff." "You know what?" "If I knew you were gonna be like this, I would have ordered it online." "You think it's working?" "How do I look?" "A little insane, actually." "You know what?" "Screw you, Matt!" "I thought you actually understood what I was going through, but you don't!" "I should have never trusted you." "Get out!" "Fine." "Asshole!" "Wait." "Don't leave." "No, I think you're right." "I should go." " My face, it feels like it's on fire." " What are you talking about?" " I gotta get out of here!" " Okay." "Okay, baby!" " Stop it hurting." " Come here." "That hurts!" "I thought you would make it stop!" "It's going in my pores!" " Okay!" "Okay!" " Help me!" "Help me!" "Help me!" " Baby, I got you." " Let go!" "Let me go!" "Is she gonna be okay?" "It's nothing worse than a first-degree burn." "You're lucky Matt brought you in as soon as he did." "There should be no permanent scarring." "Thank you, by the way." "So, I guess plastic surgeons aren't the devil when you need them, huh?" "Matt, can I have a word?" "You're both very lucky." "If she had a reaction, she'd be in shock right now." "Yeah, I told her it was a bad idea." "Now, was that before or after you stole the cream from your mother?" "Look, you wanna shave your head and ruin your life, that's fine." "But when you start hurting other people, that's when I have a problem." "Look, I came to you for help." "But if this is gonna turn into a father-son lecture then..." "Let's stop pretending we have a father-son relationship, shall we?" "Yeah." "I'm billing you for my time." "Matt!" "Hey." "Ariel?" "What's going on here?" " Dad, what are you doing here?" " Well, Matt called me." "What happened to your face?" "She had a reaction to a skin bleaching cream." "Nothing severe." "She's gonna be fine." "Why did you call him?" "Because you can't keep hiding this anymore, Ariel." "Hiding what?" "What?" "How did this happen?" "Matt said that I should lighten my freckles... so he stole some bleach cream from his mom's spa... and we put it on my face, and I had a reaction." "You did this?" "Tell him what you told me about the research paper." "Honey, I won't let him hurt you." "I don't know what you're talking about." "Ariel discovered that her mother, your wife, comes from African lineage." "But she was so afraid of what you might do that she tried to bleach her skin." "What?" "Just tell her that being one-sixteenth black doesn't matter to you." "That your love for her is not based on what color she is." " Is that true?" " Of course not." "Dad, I'm not black." "He's just saying this to you because he doesn't wanna get in trouble." " You are a sick person, Matt." " You don't think... that I'd ever hurt you, do you, sweetheart?" "I welcome you into our home and this is how you repay me?" "By making up these hateful lies?" "Mr. Alderman, she'll do something worse next time." "No, my daughter is one of the most confident... strong women that I have ever known and you couldn't handle that, could you?" "So you tried to change her face so that you'd feel better about yourself." "You know, that's no different than what he does." "My son saved your daughter from a severe burn." "Now, you can believe your own bullshit if you want to, that's fine... but unless you want a problem with me, I suggest you leave now." "As long as your son stays away from my daughter... we have no problem." "Why didn't you tell me?" "Because people only believe what they want to." "So, it looks like my advice fell on deaf ears." "Oh, I heard you, Doctor." "It's just that I hadn't met Circe yet." "Well, that's not quite true." "Joy used to catch us flirting all the time." "Circe worked at the Cinnabun near the North Pole." "Well, she's not gonna catch you here if that's what you were hoping." "Your wife checked out this morning." " She did?" " Yes." "So what?" "She'll hear about it one way or another." " I work with Santa now." " And you work quickly." "Look, Doc, all year long it's..." ""Give me an Xbox." "Give me a SpongeBob."" "I spend my life fulfilling other people's wishes." "I'm sure you know something about that." "This year, Santa got himself a present." "Circe here has a fantastic, wonderful Christmas spirit... and I'd like to reward her with some double Ds." "Come on, Doc." "What better way to promote Santa's new image... than by showing off his healthy, young woman?" "Matty?" "What are you doing here?" "I didn't..." "I didn't think you'd be home on Christmas Eve." "I was just leaving that for you." "It's an IOU." "Thirty hours slave labor, car washes, coffee runs... whatever you need to pay off Ariel's visit." "I'm not exactly liquid right now." "Merry Christmas." "You hungry?" "I just bought a ton of food." "Hand-off to T.J." "He eludes one tackler and surges ahead close to a first down." "He should've lost yardage on that one." "Initial contact made a few yards behind the line of scrimmage." "Just a great run by T.J. Simons." "And that's just perfect smash-mouth football." "Not a bad way to spend the holidays." "No." "Two single men watching football, eating Chinese." "That's America." "How you doing, by the way?" "I don't think about her." "I was proud of what you did earlier, standing up to that asshole." "It took guts." "It's not gonna change anything, man." "They'll go on living their lie and no one will ever talk about it." "You ever wish you didn't know about me?" "Being your biological father?" "Yeah." "It was certainly easier not knowing." "But..." "I'm adjusting." "You?" "I'm adjusting, too." "I'm Julia McNamara." "I have a 7:30 appointment." "Just fill this out, Mrs. McNamara." " Rain started yet?" " Not yet." "Any minute though." "Thank you." "Please have a seat." "The doctor will be out in a few minutes." "I was thinking... this is our first Christmas Eve alone without the kids in 18 years." "Yeah, I was just thinking the same thing." "It's your baby, Sean." "I know." "Mrs. McNamara, the doctor's ready for you now." "Okay." " I don't wanna do this." " Me, neither." "Let's get out of here." "English"