" Niagara Falls, one of the seven natural wonders." "America's vacationland and honeymoon capital of the Greater Buffalo region." " So what about the legend?" " I'm getting to that." " I wanna hear about the Maid of the Mist." " Are you gonna let me talk?" "Okay." "So there was this god who lived in the waterfall." " Indians were all afraid of him because he kept killing people." "They were like, "Hey, how do we get this guy to stop killing everybody?"" "And someone said, "Let's give him presents. "" "So they gave him all this stuff, and he was still mad, so they figured... well, if he likes killing people so much, why don't they just kill some people for him?" "So the chief volunteers his daughter 'cause he thinks that's honorable or something." "And they tossed Princess in a boat and sent her down the river." "Native Americans never practiced human sacrifice." "Don't interrupt me again." "The chief does the whole, "Oh, my God." "What have I done?"" "and paddles his canoe out to save her, but Princess wasn't having any of that." "She's all, "No, no." "I surrender to destiny. "" "Famous last words." "Seriously." "They put it on bathrobes and stuff." " Anyway, so Princess takes the plunge." " No!" " But it's all good, 'cause the god thought... the daughter was hot, so he spared her life." "He promised if she stayed with him in the cave, he'd forgive her people..." " and protect and enchant their land until the end of time." "So she agreed to live with the god in the waterfall and became Maid of the Mist." "And thanks to Princess, Niagara has remained... an enchanted wonderland, despite hundreds of years of commercial development." " What happened to the chief?" " He died." " Why'd the princess live?" " 'Cause she was hot." " You gonna buy the tape?" " No." "Then get out." "No loitering." "Inspired the passions and imaginations of so many at Niagara Falls... whose sublime beauty and awesome power have made it a magnet for statesmen and stuntmen." "Peggy said the votive candle canoes need to be restocked." " I'm with a customer." " So am I." " Mornin', Jaye." " Morning." " Have a good one." " Yep." "All right." "Jaye?" "Oh, my God!" "Is that you?" "Gretchen." "Hi!" "Last time I saw you was at graduation." " How random is this?" " Pretty random." " What are you doing here?" " Funeral." "Oh, my God!" "So much has changed since high school." "Check it out." "I sacked such a good one." "He loves that I grew up in Niagara... so I'm picking up a few souvenirs." "I guess I should call them tchotchkes now that I'm Jewish." " Converted for love." " You don't really believe in it?" "Stop." "So how about you?" "Did you end up "overeducated and unemployable," like you said in the yearbook?" "Yep." "Went to Brown." "Got a philosophy degree." "Now I work here." "Really?" "Your parents must have plots." " They're happy if I'm happy." " Are you happy?" "Why don't I ring those up for you?" "But you are the manager, right?" "I just wanna start out by saying that this was one... of the most difficult decisions I've ever had to make in my entire life... but I have to go with an assistant manager who's more... of a people person and can deal... with the day-in, day-out trials and tribulations... on the managerial paths for retail management." "Right now, it really feels like Alec." "What's good for business is good for all of us." "No one here is a loser." "Welcome to Wonderfalls." "Thank you for shopping at Wonderfalls, ma'am." " Welcome to Wonderfalls." "Would you like an escort?" " Oh, yes." "This way." "Sorry." "That's my quart" "It's okay." "You can keep it." "Ow!" "You didn't give me my discount, and this lion is defective." " What?" " The face." "It's all funky." "Vending machine's not ours." "If you have a complaint, there's a number on the side." " What about my discount?" " What about it?" "I'm a guest at the Hillcrest." "We're supposed to get 10% off local merchants... one of which is you." "That discount has to be presented at the time of purchase." " My ass." "I'm presenting' it now." " Did you just say "my ass"?" " I'm sorry, ma'am." "Is there a problem here?" " Yeah." "I want my discount." " She didn't present" " May I see your receipt, please?" "Your discount comes to $3.86." "Take it out of the till." "I apologize for the confusion." "Enjoy your stay." "You can just give me four ones." "Word of advice.:" "Don't give her money back." "Don't." "Thank you." "Hey!" "That guy just stole my purse!" "Get back here, you son of a bitch!" "I'm gonna kick your ass!" "That's right!" "I just called your mama a bitch!" "You'd better run!" " Told ya." " Your mother's on the phone." "She wants to speak to you." "We're allowed two minutes for personal calls." "Hello, Mother." "Sweetheart?" " Sweetheart?" " Everyone's here." "Untie the door and let us in." " What's she doing back there?" " Maybe she's taking a dump." " Must you be such a sow?" " The mouth-breather at the store... said she went pale, twitched a couple of times and passed out." " That doesn't sound good." " He called it a "'sode"- short for "episode."" "I'm fine." "You can go home now." "Sweetheart, you're not fine." "You had a 'sode." "Just low blood sugar." "Ate a Snickers." "Thanks for coming." "If this is an intervention, shouldn't we be intervening?" "Who said anything about an intervention?" "It's not so much an intervention as it is a collective expression of concern." " You said intervention." " Well, it got you here, didn't it?" "You both came out of me." "I don't understand why you have to be so snarky." "Stolen babysitting money." "Stolen makeup." "Stolen car." " Did anybody examine her?" " A very handsome paramedic... said he couldn't find anything physically wrong." " Didn't you think he was handsome?" " Please stop asking me that." "A paramedic is not qualified to tell you nothing is wrong." "It's not physical." "It's emotional." "She lives in a trailer park." "Clearly, she's disturbed- I mean, clearly." "She's not disturbed; she's depressed." "And they have pills for that now." " Can't you prescribe something?" " You don't just start popping pills... because you feel a little down." "I mean, there are other ways to deal with depression." "Sweetheart, when's the last time you had an orgasm?" "That sound you hear is stunned silence." "There's nothing to be ashamed of." "Millions of people have orgasms every day." "Not ashamed." "Mortified." "Maybe she should talk to Dr. Ron." "I really don't want her talking to my therapist." "She'll give him ideas." "Don't need therapy." "All better now." " I think we should put her down." " Sharon." "It is just like goin' to sleep." "We're not gonna put you down, sweetheart." "We just want to understand what happened to you." " Tell me about your family." " I really don't wanna gossip." "Would you say your family life is stressful?" "Not that I'm aware of." "Does my mother say it's stressful?" " We're not talking about your mother." " Not yet." "Do you feel pressured to live up to your mother's expectations?" "I thought we weren't talking about my mother." "We're not." "We're talking about you." "I'm confused." " That's perfectly normal." " Perfectly normal." "I understand there's some animosity between you and your sister." " Care to elaborate?" " She hates me." " "Hate" is a strong word." " Yeah, well, what are you gonna do?" "How does that make you feel?" "One less person to worry about." "When's the last time you told your sister you loved her?" "I don't know how you did things in your family, but we weren't raised that way." "I love you." " Why'd you steal that monkey?" " It told me to." "Is it gonna tell me to steal something?" "I'd be so happy if it did." "You have no idea." "I ran into Gretchen Speck today." "Her hair looked like carpet." "I always hated her." "Remember when she wiped her ass with Margaret Wayne's gym towel?" " Oh, yeah." "That was really mean." " Yeah." "Mm." "I fainted today." " What?" " Word on the street is it's stress." " You don't have stress." " I have lots of stress." "I work retail." "And by the way, the mouth-breather is now my boss." "Should've seen my mother when she found out." "Looked like she'd just dried her face with Margaret Wayne's gym towel." "I think I actually enjoyed telling her." " Of course you did." "You're spiteful." " Nuh-uh." "Uh-huh." "You're spiteful in a way the definition of "spiteful" doesn't quite prepare you for." "Uh-huh." "You're spiteful in a way the definition of "spiteful" doesn't quite prepare you for." " Oh" " Don't drop your jaw at me." "Disappointing your family is an extreme sport for you." "Just look at them." "They all work really hard every day, and they're dissatisfied." "I mean, I can be dissatisfied without hardly working at all." "Mm." "And now you're hardly working for a mouth-breather who's still in high school." "And I say that without judgment." "I so want to storm out on you right now, but if I stand up, I'll fall." "Okay." "I gotta get back to work." " I need those kamikazes." " I just gave them to you." "Yeah." "We drank those." "Need four more." "He's new." "Your ass is ringing." "My ass rings a lot." "You ever think about setting it on "vibrate"?" "I'm not sure I'm secure enough with my manhood to do that." "Here." "It's on the house." "Right on." "So why do you have an ass if you don't answer it?" "Oh, well, I used to answer it." "I just haven't answered it since I got married... and that was, like, six days ago." "Yeah." "Her name's Heidi." "She's obsessed with bed linens." "She was my college sweetheart." " The honeymoon suite." " Married in New Jersey." "Honeymoon in Niagara." "It was like a fairy tale." "Till I caught her with the bellman in our room." " Sweet." " Honey?" "I guess the sheets had an 800 thread count and she couldn't control herself." "I walked out of that honeymoon suite into this bar... and cried for three days until someone gave me a job." "Don't you have work in New Jersey?" "I'm pretty sure they're gonna fire me when I don't show up." "That's awesome." "You know, I've been thinking." "I'm almost numb enough to start something on the rebound." "What do you say?" "Sweet of you to offer, but I may be clinically insane." "You might wanna hold out for someone a little more stable." "I don't think that'd be as interesting." "...victim of circumstance, messenger of fate." " Good morning." " Hey." " How 'bout this weather, huh?" " Oh, yeah." " Great." " Ask him about the ring." "Oh, God." " Ask him." " Don't talk to me." "Ask him about the ring- the one he doesn't wear." "Have a good one." " Ask him." " Shut up." " Sorry?" " Have a nice day." " Thanks." " * Hello, my baby *" " Stop it!" " You stop." "Ask him." "* Hello, my honey Hello, my- *" "* Ragtime gal Send me a kiss by wire *" "Baby, my heart's on fire" "Hey!" "Sorry." "What happened to your wedding ring?" "What did I do wrong?" "I, uh" " I don't wear it anymore." " We talked about this." "Remember?" " We did?" "No, we didn't." "Yeah." "Sure we did." "The divorce and" "Oh, yeah." "Now I remember." " I still don't know what I did wrong." " Uh-huh." " So what happened to the ring?" " I, uh, pawned it." " Oh." " I'm sorry." "I gotta go." "Poor bitch." " You made me make him cry." " Huh." "See a penny, pick it up." "You're not supposed to steal." "You're not supposed to talk to strangers." "Piss off." "Oh, my God." "What am I doing?" "Hey!" "Stop!" "Hey!" "That's my quarter!" "Screw it!" "What?" "You gotta be kidding." "So we got Poor Bitch and his ring, which led us to the quarter- and the quarter led us to the purse, which was empty." "Is that supposed to mean something?" "Is it a metaphor?" "Are you Satan?" "Are you God?" "Okay." "If you don't say something in the next five seconds, I'm gonna assume you're Satan." "One Mississippi, two Mississippi... three Mississippi, four Mississi" "Oh, God." "I'm a crazy person." "I found your purse." "Well, where's my wallet?" "My brush?" "My tampons?" "I had a lot of very expensive makeup in this bag." " It was in the garbage." " Then how'd you find it?" "Wednesday your day to dig through the trash?" " Your voice just got loud." " You bet your ass my voice just got loud... because you and your little friend stole my purse." " What?" " Morley Safer did a whole thing on identity theft." "I know how you people work." "Little packs preying' on tourists." "You're probably here now just tryin' to trick me into telling' you my mother's maiden name." " You bitch!" " I came here to be nice." "I knocked on 71 doors looking for your sorry ass just to be nice." "My knuckles are raw!" "Hello?" "Oh, my God." "Look at your toenails." "Do you trim those with pliers?" " They're right in there." " What is wrong with you?" "You're 24. "Troubled teen" is no longer flattering on you." " Nice talking to you." " You better stop!" "Ow." "Oh, that was dramatic." "If you really wanted this to be dramatic, you should've called Mom." " What's that supposed to mean?" " Grow up is what it means." "Getting arrested for disorderly conduct?" " Really though." " She hit me first!" "That is so surprising." "I can't imagine why anyone would ever wanna hit you." "And fainting at work?" "What is that about?" " Are you starving yourself again?" " Why are you being such a cow?" " You're my sister." " You tell people we're not related." "It was just that one time." "It was Grandpa's wake." "Well, you always have such a bug up your ass." "Just curious:" "How many people did you call before you called me?" "Five." "No." "Six." "You were the only one home." "Thanks for findin' my mom's purse." "You're welcome." " Steve, I'm gonna go to the bathroom, all right?" " Okay, man." " What happened to you?" " I was accosted by a middle-aged Texan hausfrau... during an act of kindness." "Why were you performing an act of kindness?" "I just wanted to see what it was like." "Do you think crazy people know they're crazy?" "Crazy insane?" "Or crazy like... when I put a video camera in my house and pretended I was on Big Brother?" "Crazy insane." "Supposedly when you think you're crazy, you're really not." " Think that's true?" " Um, give me context." "You know that vending machine that makes little wax animals?" " Yeah." " It made a little smooshed-face lion." " Mm-hmm." " And it talked to me." " What did it say?" " It told me not to give a customer her money back." " Was she being a bitch?" " Yeah." " There you go." " Maybe you didn't hear me." "I heard you." "I think it's natural to embody the world around us with consciousness." " You do?" " Yeah." "It's all that tree-huggin' crap." " Like when the Native Americans" " Indians." "like when Indians say that everything has a soul- the wind, your cell phone, the little smooshed-face lion." "They all have souls." "Uh-huh." "But when I say it talked to me, I mean... it opened its mouth and words came out." " I know." " It blinked." " I'm sure it did." " And you don't have a problem with that?" " Do you?" " Yeah." "It's upsetting." "You know what this is?" "This is all a repressed psychological response... to the natural belief that everything has a soul." " And what happens when you repress something?" " It goes away?" "It comes back all crazy and pissed off." "So if you act like that little wax lion doesn't have a soul... then that little wax lion gets revenge when you start freakin' out... and thinkin' it's talkin' to you." " So I'm not crazy?" " I don't know." "Maybe." "The princess approaches the canoe" " Don't get in the boat." "And with stoic determination, she climbs in." "Dumbass." "If you're looking for something to do, the name patches need to be re-alphabetized." " I'm folding." " No, you're not." "You're pretending to" " There you are." "Hello, sweetheart." " Hello, Mother." "I know you're busy." "I hate to bother you at work." "How's everything?" " Just swell." " Good, good." "I need to talk to you about the monkey." " What monkey?" " The one you stole from Dr. Ron's office." "He'd like it back." "He's refusing to see me until he gets it, so take care of that right away." "I didn't take the monkey." "Sharon, another cigarette?" "Aren't your fingertips yellow enough?" "Of course you took the monkey, sweetheart." "He's got it on tape." "He put a security camera in... after that Olsen girl stabbed herself and told everyone he tried to kill her." "Oh." "Okay." "Then I guess I have the monkey." "Can't you just buy him a new one?" "No, I can't just buy him a new one." "Ooh." "Your sister's talking to a very nice looking man." "Just give Dr. Ron back his monkey." "He's the best analyst in the state." "I think it's time to do something different with your hair." "Let's you and me have a salon day." "Bye-bye." "Your sister is hot." "He thinks your sister's hot." "Your sister- wow." " Make me a match." " You can't talk." "You don't have a larynx." "If you don't have a larynx, you can't talk." "Get it?" "You can't talk." "Make" "Ohh." "Sharon and Poor Bitch sitting' in a tree" "K" " I-S-S-I-N-G" "First comes love then comes marriage" "Then comes Poor Bitch with a baby carriage" "Sharon and Poor Bitch sitting' in a tree" "Sharon, Sharon give me your answer do" "I'm half crazy all for the love of you" "It won't be a stylish marriage" "I can't afford a carriage" " * But you'll look sweet *" " If I do this, will you shut up?" "Upon the seat of a bicycle built for two" "Sharon, Sharon" "Make me a match." "This better be good, 'cause I'm havin' a real hard time gettin' it up for your drama." "She'll have a glass of chardonnay." "You call that slimming?" "How many people did you ask to dinner before you asked me?" "None." " Did you get fired again?" " No." " Do you remember Thomas?" " Who?" " Cute E.P.S. guy at the store." " Uh, vaguely." "What about him?" " Didn't you think he was cute?" " Not particularly." " Why didn't you think he was cute?" " I don't know." "He's not my type." "How could you say that?" "How can you say he's not your type?" "You could do a lot wor- Look who's here!" "Hi, Thomas." " Sharon, you remember Thomas." " Hi." " Hi." "These are for you." " Oh." "Oh, that is so sweet." "Look how beautiful those are." " I have to go to the bathroom." " You just went." "No, I didn't." "Psst!" " Quick." "Get me drunk." " Jell-O shooter?" " Do you have grape?" " That's not the bathroom." "Jaye seems like she'd be a real nice sister." "Yeah." " Um, you seem like a very nice man." " Thank you." " You seem like a very nice lady." " Right." "Just so you know, absolutely nothing is gonna happen between us." " What?" " I don't know what you were told, but I was brought here..." " under false pretenses." " Oh." "She just, uh- She told me you thought I was cute." "She lied." "I don't." "I'm really very sorry." "I guess I thought if I could just get my sister laid... the little wax lion might just shut up." " The wax lion wanted your sister to have sex?" " I'm assuming." "Does the little wax lion ever tell you to burn things or hurt people?" "He's probably working up to that." " You're just teasing about the lion, right?" " Of course." "Is it my teeth?" "'Cause my ex-wife used to complain about my teeth... 'cause the bottom ones are kind of crooked." "See?" "Is it because of my teeth?" "It isn't a big plus, but it's not the deal breaker." "I'm too sensitive, right?" "You know, a lot of women, they don't like that... but I think it makes me a good kisser." "It's not you." "Really, it's not." "It's me." "Oh." "That old chestnut." "If I tell you something, you have to promise you won't breathe a word of it to anyone." " Okay?" " Sure." "I'm a lesbian." "The reason I'm not attracted to you is your genitals are on the outside." "You're just tryin' them all on for size, aren't ya?" "I think the universe is conspiring against me." " The whole universe?" " Yeah." "Not just the Milky Way or, like, Planet Earth, but the entire universe?" "All of creation." "It's a plot." "I know that now." " What's the universe plotting?" " Couldn't tell you." "Vanna hasn't turned over enough letters yet." "I always thought that Vanna White had a big head." " Me too, actually." " See?" "Simpatico." "I think I've been in the bathroom for a really long time." "Sorry." "Somebody was just telling me the most interesting story about pirates." " I'll bet." " Is your sister really a lesbian?" "You need to stop kissing' the mirror, buddy." "Just 'cause a girl's not diggin' your chili doesn't mean" "Did you have that goiter before?" "Were there peanuts in the salad?" " What was that crack about you being a lesbian?" " Um" "Are you a lesbian?" "I mean, it's not horribly surprising, but are you?" " What do you mean, it's not horribly surprising?" " You drive an S.U.V." "Is he still breathing?" " I don't think so!" " Maybe we should trach him." " Do you have a pen?" " Ballpoint or fine tip?" "Does Mom know?" " She would unspool." " Can I tell her?" "No!" "We have a stabbing victim!" "Actually, the medium-point Bic Round Stic is the preferred pen for emergency tracheotomies." "You don't say." "Excuse me." "Did you bring in the man with the pen in his throat?" "Um... yes." "I'm his ex-wife." "My name is on the emergency contact card in his wallet." " Are you his girlfriend?" " I don't have a girlfriend." "I mean, I'm not his" " No." "You have ink on your chin." "Oh, God." "How embarrassing." "Here." "You're not gonna sue us, are you, 'cause it sort of is your fault." "As someone with a deadly food allergy, you should learn how to read a menu." " What are you doing?" " Nothing." " You're being sneaky about something." " No, I'm not." " Yes, you are." " Let it go." " Oh, so that's how it is." " What?" "You know what." "As delightful as this has been, I have to be in court in the morning." " Do you have money for a cab?" " No." " I'll give you a ride." " Great." "Great." " You don't even know where she's going." " Feel better." "At least now you know it wasn't you." "So do they give you morphine, or do you have to ask for it?" "You gotta be kidding me." "How'd you get in?" "Climbed through the window." "You're gonna need a new screen." "Couldn't wait in your luxury S.U.V.?" "I did, but there was this dirty kid eating Spaghetti-Os out of a can... and he wouldn't stop staring at me." " So you're a lesbian now." " Just now." "I could see doin' a girl... in prison if there weren't any guys around... especially if the girl was Drew Barrymore." "What?" "Just trying to be supportive." "About that" " Why are you being so nice to me all of a sudden?" " I have always been nice to you." " No, you have not." "When I was 17, you put a space heater and a litter box in my closet... for a week while I was on spring break." " You have not always been nice to me." " Forgot why I did that." "You've never asked me who I was dating or if I was even interested in anybody... and now you're setting me up on a blind date?" " So what?" " I'm not complaining." "I think it's wonderful, I really do... but you are not the same girl who made all my clothes smell like cat pee." "What is going on with you?" "I don't know." "I don't know what's going on with me." "I feel like a pinball." "I've been bouncing off bumpers and flippers tryin' to get something to happen... but I had no idea what it was." "And then all of a sudden, there's a tracheotomy, and you're a lesbian... and there's this other lesbian and" "I was just trying to do what I thought I was supposed to do... but they didn't tell me what it was;" "they just kept on making me guess." "Who made you guess?" "Nobody." "The proverbial "they. "" "I love you." "I..." "love you." "I love you too." "I don't feel dirty." "I thought I was gonna feel dirty." " Because you said "I love you"?" " Mm-hmm." "I don't feel dirty at all, which is surprising." "You know, maybe we could say it again sometime." "But not for a while and not often." "How about birthdays and holidays?" "Okay." "But never in public." "Why do they always sacrifice the pretty ones?" "I guess killing pretty people is easier than killing ugly people." "Although you'd think the opposite would be true." "You know, I don't get why she just didn't paddle to the other side of the river." " I mean, it's not that far." " She was surrendering to destiny." " Oh, is that it?" " The Office of Travel and Tourism... did this whole "Surrender to Destiny" promotion in the '80s... and some cult used it as an endorsement for mass suicide." " Really?" " Mm-hmm." "Bunch of them piled into canoes and went over the edge." " They were pulling bodies out of the river for weeks." " That wasn't in the brochures." "There was a lot of media coverage." "Surprisingly good for business." "Well, for those of us not in cults, I think there's something to be said... for surrendering to destiny." "I mean, if it's destiny, there's probably a reason for it, right?" " Okay." " So why struggle with fate?" "Life can be sort of peaceful when you stop struggling." "It's a lot like drowning that way." " Hi." " Hi." " Thank you." " What?" " Thank you." " I don't understand what you're saying." " Thank" " Stop tryin' to talk." "It's freakin' me out." "Uh, do you wanna write it down?" "Here." "A pen." "Oh." "Right." "Sorry." "How about something more blunt, like a grease pencil?" "Here." " He's payin' for that." " I know." "Yeah." "Sorry about that." "Or... you're welcome." "Oh, good." "Way to get back on the" "Doesn't mean anything." "Probably just looking at the label." " Uh" " Yeah." " Bye." " Bye." "See a penny, pick it up." "No." "No, no." "We're done." "No more talking from things that don't talk." "We had a deal." "Ask him." "We had a deal!" "Don't squeeze the Charmin." "* Hello, my baby Hello, my honey *" "Hey!" "Lady!" "Hey!" "I think I'm supposed to help you." "And by the way, you've got toilet paper on your shoe."