"According to the Guinness Book of World Records, over 1.1 billion viewers watched David Hasselhoff at the height of his fame." "But where did the viewers go?" "...his comeback tour was pulled by US promoters." "Is the career of the famous lifeguard all washed up?" "David Hasselhoff has now filed for bankruptcy." "According to his UK manager, he's leaving the United States to pursue opportunities in England." "The British relaunch of David Hasselhoff has ended in disgrace, after he was caught performing for a notorious warlord." "After being implicated with child abduction, is David Hasselhoff now unemployable?" "After the Hollywood actor was discovered alive, the public and media back-lash has begun." "I need you to go to rehab." "The Olsen twins are doing it, a few Chinese pop stars..." "Are you ready to up your profile?" "You're not exactly Mr Popular after that whole pretend-to-be-dead thing." "I met someone in here." "He's helping me see life in a totally different way." "I'm not peculiar." "You must understand that." "I've decided to stay." "Danny has a rapport with him that the rest of us just don't have." "Not going to happen!" " He's gonna jump!" " David!" "We are prepared..." "we are to fly!" "Wait!" "You're an actor, aren't you, Kurt?" "I want to represent you." " We're gonna fly!" " David, the flying can wait." "I've not worked since "Peak Practice"." "Translation and subtitles by PEPPER  LALASPAIN *** SONG LIVES FOR EVER ***" "It's time for this talent agency... to diversify." "You can't run an agency... on one client." "Particularly when they don't have that much talent." "My relationship with David has been like a marriage." "And it's time for that marriage to become... polygamous." "I want an open relationship." "Yeah!" "You go, mate!" "[INDISTINCT]" "[INDISTINCT]" "Did you just watch that?" "Yeah!" "It was pumping!" "That was classy!" "D'you see the bit I was like..." "God!" "You guys are electric!" "So I plugged that... so I got that plug and put it in that girl's arm, scratch it down and blood was coming out." "And I was like, she started..." " Get out!" "What are you doing?" "You're on my way." " Can I stop you for a moment?" "Harriet, is this guy funny or what?" " Hilarious!" " Aaaah!" "Ha, ha, ha, ha!" " I've watched you on the telly." " Yeah." " Now I've seen you live." " Yeah." "I think you're a real wit." "That's how you talk, innit?" "Can I get by?" "Thou shalt not pass." " Ah!" "Harry Potter!" "Harry Potter!" " It's Gandalf!" "Until I say the following sentence:" "I'm Max Coleman and I'd like to represent you." "Right!" "Steady on!" "Don't you wanna buy me some dinner first?" "That's what I say and..." "So, this is Harriet." "She's my assistant." "Sorry, but I don't really care about that." "OK, ha, ha, ha!" "No-one does." "Yeah, yeah!" "Yeah!" "Seriously, though, we'd really like you to be part of our team." "Right!" "OK!" "What... erm..." "You know, what are you gonna do for me if I'm part of your team?" "Your agent right now, is probably all about you getting your foot in the door..." "Yes?" "What I'm about... is you getting your whole body in the door." "Well, I'm not so interested in doors." "I'm a little more interested in films." " Can you get me in films?" " Absolutely!" " Cos that's what I'm interested in." " Absolutely." "Can you get me to meet J.J. Abrams?" "Yeah!" "Harriet, consult that!" " Yes!" " Good, good!" "Cos he's a big fine of mine and I feel like I'm missing an opportunity by not meeting up with him." "He tweeted about me the other day and I haven't even met him yet." " We need to get..." " Did you read that?" " Not yet." " It was like... he said..." "He said "Mikey is number one and for ever and ever..." "I'm gonna be his biggest fan, and... there's no stopping his career, as long as keeps doing exactly what he's doing"." " That was a tweet, correct?" " Yeah, it was a tweet." "So, listen, this was a great meeting." " Yeah, it was alright, lovely to meet you." " Listen, hey!" " We do hugs in my office." " Not with me, you don't." " OK." "Change your policy!" "That was a really great meeting." "I mean, he spoke and then I spoke..." "I think I actually adapted my dialect to suit with him..." "That's smart!" "OK, Max, listen..." "Something's come up, OK?" "Have you read the interview you did in "The Stage"?" "Oh yeah!" "I did an interview in "The Stage" this week!" "I'm having a fucking amazing week!" "No, Max." "It's not a good thing because if I read it..." ""Where in the world would you like to be right now?" And then, you said:" ""As far away from David Hasselhoff as possible"." "Here: "What's the worst thing about your job?"" "You just said: "David Hasselhoff"." "What were you thinking?" "This has written down exactly what I said." "Max!" "That's what an interview is!" "I'm pretty confident that David Hasselhoff does not read "The Stage" newspaper." "Oh!" "You didn't get the joke, did you?" "The joke!" "David Hasselhoff isn't exactly Lawrence Olivier?" "I said that because, it's obviously a ridiculous thing to say because you obviously are as good as Lawrence Olivier." "If I am as good as Lawrence Olivier, then why didn't you bring that up in the meeting which you fell asleep in, in the middle of the meeting!" "I had a long day!" "Yeah, you always have a long day, you always have an excuse for everything." "What's going on, Max?" "You're not even paying attention to me." "Sorry!" "I'm thinking a little different." "I've been drinking a lot of diet coke..." "Because you've been drinking diet coke, you're different?" "It's a factor." "You have another client, don't you?" "Not exactly." "You have another client?" "What is he...?" "Is he younger?" "Everyone's younger than you." "Why didn't you tell me?" "I was gonna tell you, but you know what?" "I think it's a little bit weird, that as an actor, you'd expect your manager to only have one client." "You cheated on me?" "You cheated on me?" "What the hell's wrong with you?" "The thing about David is, a little secret is... he is a fucking deep well of rage, that he's had to sit on cos he's famous." "You can't go in the streets and start kicking shit over in front of cars like the whole, like the rest of us get to do." "He has to suppress it, but when it comes out... he's like a fucking volcano." "Like that?" "Oh, like that?" "Yeah!" "That's it!" "Of course, I'm gonna throw!" "Reminded me of my Mum, like, sometimes my Mum used to that." "She used to throw... the remote control at me, you know what I mean?" "Like when I was... just throw the remote control at me... and I'd dodge it, obviously, matrix it... just dodge it... and then it'll break, and then she'll blame me for breaking the remote control, so it was, reminded me a little bit of that." "Hi... erm... can you come in here for a moment?" "Sometimes, you get to a point in a relationship, where everyone would be better off if you just went your separate ways." "So, Max and I have decided to part company." "We will all still see each other?" "Yeah..." "What about "Chicken Coated Sundays"?" "There'll be no more Chicken Coated Sundays." "You guys have to decide who you wanna go with." " I'm with you, Dad." " You, obviously." "There it is!" "Let's go!" "Harriet!" "You're under contract!" "You come with me!" "The only thing on my mind was just like..." "What about Chicken Coated Sundays?" "You know, I was getting choked up a little bit cos..." "Obviously, I still went on my own, and I smashed a bucket, me on my own just... you know what I mean?" "Out of depression, really..." "So, it was pretty sad, I was drowning in chilly sauce that night..." "Just thinking what the fuck's happened to my life?" "[THE BOTTOM LINE IS, DAVE, ARE YOU COMFORTABLE WITH ME SPEAKING FRANKLY?" "]" "Please, be completely frank with me." "I think you've been completely mismanaged." "Really?" "Max Coleman, who you've been dealing with..." "I know him..." "He's a total nobody!" "OK, I've forgotten his name already." "You are a national treasure." "You could be the Crown Jewels, you should be the Crown Jewels." "We just need to build up your credibility as an actor." "Have you ever thought about Shakespeare?" " Shakespeare?" " Bear with me, Dave, cos where I'm coming from... is I'm thinking..." "Tennant," "Cumberbatch," " Hasselhoff!" " Oh!" " There's a production of Beth... coming up in the National Theatre." "I know the director..." "If you want, I can put you two in a room together." " You think I could do it?" " I think you would be a revelation." "Thank you!" "No, I mean, seriously..." "Thank you." "I never got this confidence from Max." "Thank you!" "I've never been anything else." "I've always known..." "It's what I wanted to do..." "One of my friends, actually, her father was in show business..." "He worked on "Basil's Watch", so, we... and I remember this moment," "I was seven years old and we went back-stage..." "And she was all "Basil, Basil!" and I didn't... what I wanted to know..." "Is, erm... who was managing Basil?" "You know, who did it all work and what the margins were..." "See you, bye!" " Max!" " Hey!" " How you doing, mate?" " "Aap kaise hain", old buddy!" "So, erm..." "How's things?" "Your Mum, is she OK?" "Yeah, now, she's still dead." " Oh!" " Yeah, 15 years." " Yeah!" " Yeah." " Yeah." "How's the grave?" "Grave good?" " Grave keeping well?" " Well, I mean..." "She was cremated so, no grave." "Cos of your culture?" "Your..." " Anyway, I came to get David's head shots, actually." " Right..." " Cos he asked me if I can copy them up..." " Sure!" " Yeah." " Oh, there they are!" " Yeah!" "I've been meaning to put them away." "I haven't been looking at them, really..." " No, yeah, of course not." " OK." "So, erm..." "You've been busy?" " We've been so busy, yeah..." " What's he busy with?" " Just stock surgery...?" " No, no, paid work." "From our new manager, so it's been..." " A lot of work." " Your new manager?" " Yeah." " Deborah, Deborah..." " Deborah Scudden?" " That's the one." " Seriously?" " Yeah." "I mean, look, since Hoff's been with Deborah, his new agent, he's a different man." "He's got a different get-up-and-go." "You know what I mean, like..." "I mean like, most days he wouldn't brush his teeth in the morning, cos he'd be like: "What's the point?" "I'm not gonna get any work", but... he brushed his teeth everyday, sometimes even twice a day." " OK!" "Yeah..." " They're having lunch now." "OK!" " At the Century Club, I think." " OK!" "Well, I've been really busy!" "You should tell David that." "You should tell David I'm busy." "Alright then well, geezer!" "Well, listen, alright then, geezer!" " Lovely seeing you." " Yeah!" "Harriet?" "Do you know the Century Club?" " Harriet!" " Hello, David!" " Hi!" " Hi!" " Oh, my God!" " Hello!" "Harriet, this is my new manager, Deborah." "This is my former assistant." "Deborah thinks I can do Shakespeare." " Oh!" " Yeah!" "David, I've got to be quick, actually..." " Yeah." " It's sort of embarrassing but, erm..." " Max sent me here to get the jacket back." " Oh." " Harriet, it's my jacket." " Max said it was very much a lend." "Well, no, it's not actually a lend." "He actually gave it to me as a gift." "Sorry, David, he definitely said he lent it to you and he wants it back." "Erm..." "I do need to now take that from you." "[SORRY]" "[WOW!" "]" "He gave me that jacket, you know?" "And I thought that was really, really petty." "And I don't know whether it..." "It's not gonna fit him cos he's a little guy!" "He's a little weasel guy, you know?" "Fine!" "No problem!" "Give it to me first." "That's from me." "Cool." "I like your style!" "Aaaah, golf!" "Right, that's a free whiff, you think?" " You reckon?" " Yeah!" " Yeah, cool." " Yeah!" "Max?" "What are you doing?" "That's an iron." "D'you know what?" "No, no, no, forget it, forget it." "Just take the shot!" "It's just quite funny to be around someone's shit all the time." "He's like clumsy, like, can't do anything right, like..." "The other day, just like smacked his head into a wall." "Cos I, like, pushed his head against a wall." " Aaaah, golf!" " Stop saying "Aaaah, golf", please!" "Weirdest man I've ever met." "Everyone knows you're playing golf." "We're on a golf course!" "Oh, you're not playing golf as it seems, just saying "Aaaah, golf", so, play some golf!" "Let's have a good look at that!" " Is it meant to be on that thing?" " Take the shot!" " OK, alright!" "OK." "Look, I know people around here." "People are waiting on us, alright?" "I gotta keep my rep up." " Just hit the ball, please!" " Just looking at getting it..." "On the green!" "What are you gazing at?" "It's on the tee!" " It's cos of the stick!" "Is it meant to be on that stick?" " I can't!" "To be honest, I'm surprised it took David so long to leave Max." "When a relationship reaches its end, you need to pull the cord." "Pull the rip cord and jump." "Jump, then pull the rip cord, otherwise you'd be fucking messing the plane." "But I've done that in a relationship as well." "Any news on Macbeth?" " Yes." "They are casting next week." " Yeah?" "So, what I thought we would do, is work... on getting you better at acting." "You don't think I'm good?" "Yeah!" "No, what I mean is getting you... making you better at acting than you already are, Dave." "You mean better a Shakespearian actor?" " Shakespearian!" " It's different, isn't it?" " Shakespearian's different." " I did do a little in High School." " You're kidding me!" "Romans, countrymen, and lovers!" "Hear me for my cause, and be silent, that you may hear!" "Dave, I got goosebumps when you did that!" "I was blown away!" "I had tears in my eyes!" "I didn't understand it." "Per se but it didn't matter." "And I think that's the point about Shakespeare and I suddenly realised that... it doesn't matter what it means..." "I mean, I was surprised." "You know?" "How good it was, so, genuinely surprised." " Max?" " Hey!" "Good to see you!" "This is Mikey, Mikey Dawson, he's my new client." " Alright?" " Hey!" "How are you?" "I'm David Hasselhoff." "How d'you know Max?" "Max was my manager." "You used to manage David Hasselhoff?" " Yeah!" " What?" "You..." "Right." "Nice to meet you." " This is my new manager, Deborah." " Yes, yes, Max!" "Yes, good to see you again." "So, where you been, Max?" "Extremely really busy." "Really busy!" " Please, sit down." " Fantastic." " Yeah, yeah." "It doesn't make that much sense to me but alright." "Dave is an incredibly talented actor." " Yeah, yeah!" " Did you know he did Shakespeare?" "I know he thinks he can." "Yeah." " No offence." "I thought you were dead, mate." "Don't everyone think?" " A lot of people did." "That's one of the reasons I left Max." " Right!" "Do I know you from something?" " I think you do know me from somewhere." "I'm on TV." " Oh!" " Like you used to be!" " Alright!" " Like that!" " Yeah!" " Punching you here." " You see what he did, Dave?" "You see what he did, Dave?" " It's cool." " It's funny." " So, what have you guys been up to?" " We're just here on a brainstorming session." " I didn't know that." " Yeah." " Are we?" "Yeah, just going through all the offers that he's been getting..." "Just trying to filter them through, trying to pick which one..." " I hope it goes well." " It will go well for me." "Better than S Club Juniors." "D'you remember that, Max?" "Oh, it's such a funny story, you gotta tell us..." "No, we do actually have a meeting, we've got a meeting." " D'you know who S Club Seven is?" "Big ones and the little ones...?" " Yeah?" "S Club Seven Juniors..." "Max had S Club Juniors and where did you book them?" "He didn't realise!" "Where was it?" "Hooters!" " Hooters!" " He booked them into this, right?" "He thought they were the big ones." " You put kids in "Hooters"?" " I didn't!" "Wasn't "Hooters"?" "Where was...?" " "Spearmint Rhinos"!" " It was in association with "Spearmint Rhinos"!" " Yeah, the police were involved and everything." " Overblown." "Overblown." "The whole thing was overblown." " Listen, we do have to go..." " Yeah, let's go!" " We do have..." " to go." " We have to do this again, huh?" "Why would we do this again?" "That would be mental." " We should!" "We should!" " Alright!" " Yeah, good to see you." "Bye, Grumpy Smurf." " Why are you saying Grumpy Smurf?" " Cos you look like Grumpy Smurf." "Well, if we're talking about how people look, maybe I'll call you a horse." "Because you're wearing black." "A black... a black beauty." "But not a beauty, a mons..." "a black mountain." " Yeah, on your bike." "Jog on!" " Yeah!" " Nice to meet you, Mickey!" " It's Mikey." "Cheers, Donald." "Tease me again and you and I are on." "I don't hold anything against this new actor." "I felt bad for him." "I felt..." "I wanted to say, "D'you know what..."?" "You got Max." "Good luck!" "I just feel bad for David, really, because... things are great for me now." "Me and Mikey, we just click." "Hello Max." "It's Mikey Dawson here." "Your favourite one of everyone." "Erm, I was free fighting, free fighting at one in the morning..." "And I wanna know if J.J. Abrams has called about turning me into a film yet cos I wanna be in a film..." "Also, I'm in a shit hotel, come, pick me up, you lazy little chap!" "He has been in a cell overnight, erm..." "We picked him in a shop when he was shoplifting." "He was very drunk and very abusive." " Really?" " Can we see him?" " Yeah, yeah, yeah." "♪ In the City... ♪" "Yes, please!" "Very nice to see you now!" "They put me in fucking prison for 24 hours." "D'you know what that does to a brother's head?" "Drives me crazy, girl!" "I wanted so badly to be an impersonator." "Doing... who's this?" "I got my best one." ""Welcome home, everybody..." "to America"." "Eddie Murphy." "Huh?" " Is it Eddie Murphy?" " I don't know." "Mikey's young and he seems to... have an interest in crack cocaine." "But you know, we..." "You know, we all make mistakes when we're young." "You fucking think I'm like that?" "You fucking prick!" "To be honest!" "Are you sure he's ready to go home?" "Yeah, he's wasted quite enough of police time." " Ha, ha!" "You're right?" " Yes." "I'm wearing women's knickers tonight." "Is this a dagger I see before me?" "The handle towards my hand?" "Come!" "Let me clutch thee, I have thee not, and yet I see thee still." "D'you think I should do it like that or maybe just a little bit more Scottish?" "OK, Dave, alright, I've got to tell you..." "I..." "I'm not gonna mess you around." "Hmm, I'm afraid it's gone away." "They loved you, they loved the idea of you but they've gone for someone else." "It's gone away!" "I'm so sorry, you know, well done for learning it." "It was..." " Thank you!" " It was impressive." "You can't just walk into the National Theatre, as it happens..." "And say, "David Hasselhoff wants to play Macbeth"." "I sort of thought he might... be able to but you can't do that, per se, I mean..." "I've never tried it." "I tried it." "That's how I am." "You know, they were rude, to be honest, there wasn't..." "There was no need to laugh." "I've had a call around and I found you something much better, much better." " Another play?" " Hmmm." "Well, I can't tell you about it." "At the moment... because it's top secret." "But what I can tell you is that it's a very, very, very popular TV show." " TV show?" " Yeah." "I mean, I think what you did there was beautiful." " Thank you." "I think you would have been a..." "You know... you would have been a wonderful Macbeth." " I just don't think these people..." " It's OK, it's OK." "They don't wanna see talent and when... you come along bringing something, they don't wanna know!" "I can see you're upset." "I'm sorry." "Just took me like..." "a couple of days to learn that." "Yeah, I know, you put in a lot of work." " And you know, that's evident." " That paragraph is hard, you know?" "What time does the show start?" "I see... and he hasn't turned up to make-up?" "OK, I'll try and find him." "Mikey?" "Are you in there?" "Just leave!" "Don't fucking bother me here when I'm gonna shit!" "Been looking for you everywhere, mate." "Yeah, I've been fucking looking for you everywhere." "But I've been sat here having a fucking shit on the weirdest toilet I've ever found in my life," "I can't even fucking find a hole in it." "Mikey, show's on air in an hour..." "live TV!" "You didn't fucking get J.J. Abrams to come say hello, shake my hand and take me out to the cinema." "Hey!" "J.J. Abrams might be watching tonight." "You don't wanna let J.J. down, do you?" "Uh, yeah, obviously not cos I wanna be great in Star Wars." "You'd be great at it!" "I'll tell who you'd be fucking great at, playing C-3PO!" "He always goes around pissing everyone off with his gold." "This suit is good for the show?" " Yeah, no, Dave, you don't need to worry about that." " OK." "You don't need to worry about that." "The costume department will take care of all that." " Fantastic." "What about the script?" " I mean, you're not gonna need one." "Deborah, if I'm presenting, I need a script." "You're not presenting in the conventional sense, it's... more... you're a very special guest." "And they are so excited to have you." "I think I know why you're been so sneaky and so secretive." "Is it one of those programs like..." ""This is your live David Hasselhoff"?" "Is it?" "Sneaky?" "You are so good!" "I should tweet about this!" "And then, like, we got this tweet saying like Hoff's gonna be on "This is your life"." "Like Hoff's life story on TV." "I could be in it!" "You know what I mean?" "I'm part of his life!" "So we're like "let's go down there, now!"" "You know what I mean?" "Real pump!" "This does not look like "This is your Life"." "This is the right address." "Hi!" "Erm..." "Here's a costume." "So, we just got a couple of minutes so if you just..." " These are just shorts." " Oh!" "No, you've got a robe as well." " Oh!" " OK!" "Cool." " Erm..." "What exactly is this gig?" "It's 40 Grand." " Only for ten minutes." " What are the shorts for?" " Trust me!" "OK, Dave?" "I mean... you know, if you don't wanna do it..." "I mean, I don't wanna have to say this, Dave, but I've got clients who will get in those shorts." "I haven't worn shorts in television in 20 years!" "Wait, come on!" "D'you hear that?" "Don't let them down!" "Just put the fucking shorts on." "I'm like a chess master..." "I'm thinking... four or five moves ahead." "I'm thinking about taking the bishop and the pawn and..." "Then I can see how with this knight... and that castle... we could get the queen." "In showbiz terms, that could be him playing Macbeth at the National." "You wanna be on telly in a minute, mate?" "Right." "If I had a knife," "I'm telling you, I would fucking cut you right now..." "I would fucking..." "[AND YOU'RE ON IN FIVE, FOUR, THREE...]" "[TWO, ONE]" "I just licked a camera!" "You lot!" "Here it is on live!" "Give me more!" "Give me more!" "You know I'm mad!" "How can I be so mad?" "Knock them out!" "Knock them out!" "Knock them out!" "Ha, ha, ha!" "So, without further ado, let me introduce to you the bill tonight for..." "Celebrity Cage Fighting!" "It's wicked." "I do this show called "Celebrity Cage Fighting"" "And it's like getting out the shittiest celebrities around and just get them to knock each other out." "It's really... it's like a shit show but it's funny cos it's shit..." "just like, who cares?" "I can't believe people are watching it but I..." "That's like part of the joke for me, like... what?" "what?" "Waving, is it?" "In the blue shorts, your first fighter!" "He's a quickly acclaimed novelist" "He's a six-times Booker Prize nominee," "He's gonna need some "Atonement" after tonight." "Yeah!" "No, I haven't read it either but don't you worry!" "He's your Mum's best friend's favourite oofa." "Welcome to the stage, Ian McEwan!" "Right!" "Next up!" "He's no stranger to red shorts." "Oh, he's wearing them tonight." "He can really pull them off." "But let's just hope he doesn't cos I don't wanna see what's under there." "And I did see a tin of paint thinner and a shot glass in his room." "Ladies and Gentlemen, he's a celebrity!" "Get him out up here!" "It's David Hasselhoff!" "What?" "I mean, I wouldn't tell David immediately about the" "Celebrity Cage Fighting." "It would be wrong of me to tell him." "It would be wrong of me to tell him." "Because if I told him, he would just get in a state about it." "[YOU ALL KNOW THIS MAN FROM THE 80'S AND 90'S]" "[FROM VARIOUS AVERAGE TV SERIES]" "[" " DAD!" "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" " WHAT YOU DOING, MATE?" "]" "Yeah, I mean, look, I've been to some of those nights before, and it's not fucking friendly, you know what I mean?" "It's like anything goes." "So, you know, you can bite, you can stump on balls, you can do all kinds of shit, you know?" "So, I was worried about Hoff cos he's got very loose balls." "You know, they hang, they hang very low..." "So, they're susceptible, you know what I mean?" "They're vulnerable." "Throw a, throw a little quick ball, grab a little ball." "A Ball Dash." "All I had on my mind was the Hoff's nutsack." "And I just felt afraid for it." "[HE TALKED TO A CAR!" "]" "[THEN HE SPENT 10 YEARS GETTING DRUNK]" "[AND NOW HE'S BACK AND READY FOR ACTION!" "]" "[BUT WHY IS HE COME BACK IN HIS RED SHORTS?" "]" "[COULD IT POSSIBLY BE FOR THE MONEY, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN?" "]" "[DOES ANYONE WANT TO SEE DAVID HASSELHOFF]" "[GET THE SHIT BEATEN OUT OF HIM...]" "[BY A BOOKER PRIZE WINNING OOFA]" "I know I do!" "[HEY, THAT WAS MAX!" "]" "[WHAT THE FUCK...?" "]" "No, no, no!" "Back off!" "No, No!" "I'm sorry but no!" "This is wrong!" "I know David Hasselhoff seems funny to you!" "He seems funny to me!" "Yes!" "Knight Rider was corny!" "Yes!" "Baywatch was cheesy!" "Yes, we know that!" "But they both starred..." "That man there!" "And that man there happens to be a great man!" "Who I'm proud to call my friend!" "I thought I could live without him..." "But it turns out I can't!" "And you should all be ashamed of yourselves!" "Although, no, I can understand why you would come but... it's wrong!" " And you, this prick here!" " Right?" " Right, you!" "You think you're the thinking man's Russell Brand?" "You're not!" "You're not even the poor man's Russell Kane!" " Don't even know who that is." " Yes, you do!" "And Ian...!" "I read "On Chesil Beach", it was brilliant!" "I read it in one long sitting." "You're better than this!" "Come on, David." "Let's get out of here." "Thanks, Max!" "You can run but you can't hide, Hasselhoff!" "[BEAT HIM!" "BEAT HIM!" "BEAT HIM!" "]" "When David knocked out Ian McEwan..." "I thought..." "Proud of you, son." "Didn't think you had it in you." "To knock over a very frail, old man." "But you did it." "You're a real man now." "I was proud of my Dad for punching an old man." "He's the best." " What are you doing, Dave?" " I'm out of here!" "With his manager." "I still get my 20 per cent!" "She gets 20 per cent?" "Yeah!" "Oh, what?" "You got a problem with that?" "You just said the nicest things about me in the ring, now you want 20 per cent?" "Well, that doesn't seem fair." "Does it mean you change your rate as soon as you get a new manager?" "It's at least worth like 17 per cent." "No!" "It's not worth 17..." "So, are Chicken Coated Sundays back on, then?" " Yeah!" "Yeaaah!" "[WHO NEEDS DIVERSIFICATION?" "]" "When you got a good product..." "Stick with it!" "You can run a talent agency with one client." "When that client is David Hasselhoff." "I don't do weddings!" "This wedding happens to pay £150,000." "Yorkshire is another country." ""Ay-up"." "That means:" "Begin sexual intercourse." "You got a problem with people from London?" "Well, you're all twats!" " Great, then." " Ah, David!" "I am literally your number one fan." " Really?" " Wow!" " Ha, ha, ha!" "You're a dog murderer!" "You killed David and now you're throwing him in the lake, like some Russian whore!" "Ay-eh?" "These people are fricking nuts!" "Translation and subtitles by PEPPER  LALASPAIN *** SONG LIVES FOR EVER ***"