"Cheryl, when did we start this two-vegetable thing?" "It's peas and carrots." "It counts as one." "So I guess that means pie and ice cream counts as one dessert?" "Oh..." "GIRLS:" "Yay!" "Okay, so I haven't run this by Reverend Pierson yet, but that's the layout for the bingo tables." "What do you think?" "You know, I think these tables near the entrance look a little crowded." "Yeah, just looking for blind support here." "Oh, then I love it." "Oh, good." "Jeez, enough with the bingo talk." "Every night for the last two weeks, all I've been hearing about is bingo night." "Can't we just have some civilized dinner conversation?" "All right, Jim." "Read any good books lately?" "(BOTH LAUGHING)" "Well, you know, Dana, I've been busy raising a family." "But don't worry, honey." "Maybe you'll meet your husband in a book." "All right, you girls are done." "You're too mature for this conversation." "Can we watch TV?" "Sure." "Go ahead." "Oh, Jim, no, no, no." "They're watching too much TV." "Yeah." "You're right." "Hey, girls, put in a video game." "So, Jim, do you mind coming down early and helping me set up the bingo tables at church?" "You know, big white building, cross on top?" "No way." "I am not going to bingo night." "Jim!" "Come on, it's to raise money for the church." "Whatever happened to "do unto others"?" "Cheryl, for everyone to do unto others, there's got to be some guy to be done unto." "I'm that guy!" "Oh, did I tell you the grand prize is a king-sized waterbed?" "(GASPS)" "You're kidding!" "I love waterbeds!" "I'm gonna win that waterbed, Cheryl." "I'm gonna win that waterbed." "I'm gonna win it." "No, no." "Jim!" "I love our bed." "I don't want to give up our mattress." "To be fair, she's already given up her career, her ambition and her dignity." "Cheryl, don't you see that this waterbed is a sign from God?" "He's saying, "My son walked on water." "Jim, you must sleep on it."" "I thought you weren't even going to bingo night." "Oh, that's that thing we do." "You know, you always want to do something that I don't want to do, then you convince me." "It's fun!" "Go ahead, let's do it again." "Okay." "Let's do the dishes." "I don't want to." "JIM:" "Oh, baby!" "Thankyou, Reverend Pierson." "Oh,thisone is so much fun!" "Okay,inthe"B"  column, people, it's B-4!" "ALL:" "And after!" "And after we're done here tonight, and B-4 we C-2 the..." "I don't know where I'm going with this." "I'm sorry." "Look, uh, if you want to see heaven, cough up the green, okay?" "Hey, you want to buy a homemade cupcake?" "Fifty cents." "Oh, come on, they're made with love." "Butthead." "Jim, what do you think of my cupcakes?" "Well, they've held up real nice with three kids and all." "B-7." "B-7." "B-7." "Yeah, B-7's great." "If this was 10 freakin' minutes ago!" "Andy." "Andy, would you keep it down?" "Get lost!" "It's bad luck having a dame eyeballing your cards." "Ah!" "Not the church pinch!" "I'll be good!" "I'll be good!" "I-22." "I-22." "I missed the last number." "What was it?" "I-22." "What?" "(ENUNCIATING) I-22." "Thank you." "Here." "Here." "I-22." "There." "Thank you." "You're welcome." "You remind me of my husband." "He had a beautiful voice." "I slept with Jack Kerouac." "Bingo!" "Bingo!" "We have a bingo." "Hold all cards." "Crap!" "There goes dinner for two at the Rusty Schooner." "Come on, Andyman, you're better than this!" "Allright,bingobuddies, it'stimeforthe  grand prize game!" "This is it!" "This is it!" "Well,Dana... (LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING)" "Feastyoureyes on this." "It'sa king-sized waterbed donated by Swifty the Bed-czar." "(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING)" "It'sa free-flow, multi-baffle system maderighthere in the US of A." "(ALL CHEERING)" "The US rocks!" "That'sright." "If sleeping in comfort is a sin, well,thensome lucky winner tonight is going straight to hell!" "Butwhataway togo,huh?" "Retail value, 699.99." "(ALL EXCLAIMING)" "So,let'sgetiton!" "Um, that was supposed to be my part, Reverend, but, uh, okay." "Get out of my way, Andyman, because I'm going to win that bed!" "I'm gonna win it!" "I'm gonna win it!" "Hey, hey, if you do, can I have your old one?" "The one that your sister and I conceived three children on?" "Sure." "I'll stick with the futon." "B-6." "B-6." "We'restillwaiting for the winner of that waterbed." "Oh, N-45, N-45!" "O-67." "Thanks for nothing, universe." "Old Lady Meier?" "O-67." "Here." "Bingo!" "Bingo!" "We have a bingo!" "Hold all cards!" "JIM:" "Bingo!" "♪B-I-N-G-O,B-I-N-G-O And Bingo was his name-o" "Every time we go out." "♪B-I-N-G-O,B-I-N-G-O♪" "Oh, Jim, what a pleasure to see you." "Yeah, Cheryl's not with me." "Oh, good." "It's so hard to keep up the facade." "Yeah." "So, uh, why don't you fork over that waterbed, and I'll be out of your hair until Christmas?" "Uh, yeah." "Um, you know, Jim, many religions believe in a omnipresent God." "Whoa." "Okay, look, I didn't come all the way down to church to be lectured by some minister about God." "For instance, some Hasidic Jews believe that reality is a dream that God has conjured, and therefore God sees all and knows all because he is all." "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "You got an altar boy or something that can help me move this waterbed?" "(CHUCKLING) Jim, what I'm trying to tell you is that God is always watching." "And sometimes, so am I." "A hidden camera in a church?" "I know." "You wouldn't know it to look at me, but I'm actually quite a bit of a techno-geek." "All right, what are you going to do?" "Me?" "I'm not going to do anything." "No, your conscience, over time, is going to eat at you." "Wow." "That's heavy." "I'm gonna be thinking about that all night." "I'll be tossing and turning on my new waterbed!" "Where is it?" "It's in the rec hall." "Go ahead." "Go get it." "Enjoy yourself." "Have a great time, Jim." "Just remember, God is watching you." "Well, after I get this waterbed set up, he may want to avert his eyes." "(SLOSHING)" "Say, baby, you wanna catch a wave?" "You see, honey, that wasn't so bad." "You went to church, you helped a charity, and you got a free waterbed." "Yeah, yeah, nice recap." "Lose the top." "(LAUGHING)" "(EXHALES)" "See anything you like, sweets?" "(SCREAMING)" "(PANTING)" "CHERYL:" "Honey, what's wrong?" "Nothing." "Nothing." "Cupcakes. 50 cents." "No!" "Hey." "Hey!" "You worked late tonight, huh?" "Uh-huh." "Yeah." "I thought you'd be asleep." "Yeah, well, honey, I waited up." "I mean, we've had this waterbed for a few days now, and still haven't felt the motion of the ocean." "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" "I doubt it." "All right." "What's with you lately?" "Nothing." "Everything's great." "Totally normal." "Jim, you're eating my tofu." "It's obviously a cry for help." "Come on, something's wrong." "Is it me?" "What?" "No, no, no, honey." "Uh..." "Okay, I didn't know how to tell you this, but I'm seeing somebody else." "What?" "Whoa, whoa!" "No, maybe that was a bad choice of words." "I mean, when I look at you," "I actually see somebody else." "Oh." "Oh." "What?" "At bingo, I switched cards with Old Lady Meier while she was asleep and won the bed." "And then Reverend Pierson saw it and ratted me out to God." "And because of that, when I try to be with you, all I see is Pierson!" "You cheated at bingo?" "Big picture, Cheryl!" "Get the big picture here!" "I..." "We've got to fix this curse that Pierson has put on me." "(CHUCKLING) Jim, it's not a curse." "It's your conscience." "I know." "People keep saying that, but I don't buy it." "Look, honey, there's an easy fix for this, and I think you know what it is." "I know, I know." "I thought about a blindfold, but I'd still feel the beard." "Yes?" "Hi." "You remember me?" "Yes!" "You helped me with the bingo." "Such a nice boy." "Yes, thank you." "I ripped you off." "You ripped me off?" "Oh, yeah." "He skinned you real good." "JIM:" "Yeah." "Yeah, I..." "Well, long story short, you won the waterbed, and here it is." "Oh." "I wouldn't have any use for a waterbed." "But you won it." "You have to take it." "But I don't want it." "But you have to take it." "But I don't want it." "But you have to take..." "All right, all right, all right." "Look, if you won't take the waterbed, please, let me pay you for it." "Oh, I couldn't take your money." "Drop the act and take the money." "Get, get, get, get, get!" "Look, please, will you take the money?" "It's important to me." "Well, all right." "How much is a waterbed worth?" "Well, how much do you think it's worth?" "Aunt Dana, who's smarter, boys or girls?" "Girls by a long shot." "Daddy says boys are smarter." "That's because he's a boy, and he's stupid." "Where's Cheryl?" "Where's Cheryl?" "Daddy, Aunt Dana says you're stupid." "Yeah, yeah, whatever." "Where's Cheryl?" "In the bedroom." "Yes!" "Okay, okay, here." "Here, here." "Uh, girls, Aunt Dana's going to take you out for some ice cream." "Come on, go, go, go, go, go, go!" "What?" "I need some alone time with your sister." "Oh, my God, girls, let's go!" "Move, move, move!" "What about our shoes?" "There's no time!" "Run!" "Cheryl, Cheryl, Cheryl!" "CHERYL:" "Yeah?" "I've done a good thing, now let's do the bad thing!" "Ooh!" "What's the matter?" "You're not still seeing Reverend Pierson, are you?" "Mmm-mmm." "Finally." "It feels like it's been years." "Ah, come on!" "(SINGING)" "Pierson!" "Pierson!" "Listen to me!" "Hey, come on, this is my private time!" "Yeah, yeah." "Well, you can have it back as soon as you take that curse off that you and the guy upstairs put on me!" "Jim, the man upstairs is not in the business of putting curses on people." "Oh, yeah?" "He makes zombies." "Right, I forgot about the zombies." "Yeah, and now he's got me seeing you and Old Lady Meier in bed." "In bed?" "No, I just flirt with her!" "No, we need central air." "She's got deep pockets." "I'm not talking about that." "Instead of seeing my wife, I see you, and then I see Old Lady Meier." "And because of that, I can't even look at Cheryl." "Jeez." "Well, you know, Jim, if you need me to make love to your wife, just come out and say it." "(LAUGHING) That's a joke!" "Come on, I use that in my couples counseling session." "It gets a bigger laugh there." "Okay." "You know, Jim, it kind of seems to me like maybe you're having a little struggle with your conscience." "No, no, no, no." "Look, I told Cheryl the truth." "Yeah." "And I went to Old Lady Meier's house, and I paid her for the bed." "I'm clean." "(SIGHS) Jeez." "Wonder what the problem is, then." "I don't know." "That's why I'm here." "Hmm." "How much money did you pay her?" "Well, I might have given her a little less than market value." "Okay, how much?" "Fifteen bucks." "Fifteen bucks?" "Well, I thought she'd counter." "She didn't even counter." "Whoa, Jimbo, you are in big need of a little talk with God, my friend." "Aw, come on." "Nobody does that anymore." "Uh, you know something?" "As a matter of fact, they do, Jim." "Otherwise I'd be working at my dad's shoe store, so..." "Uh, come on, sit down." "I'll get you started." "All right?" "Okay." "God, Jim." "Jim, God." "Hey." "Big fan." "First-time caller, long-time listener." "You know, you got God's ear." "Let's get to the point, okay?" "Well, I know that you know the things that I've done wrong." "You're kind of like Santa that way." "(SIGHS)" "Did I do "long-time listener..."" "Uh-huh, yes." "Well, then, I'm out." "Come on, hold on." "Hold it." "Hold it." "Why don't you try listing the things that you think God might find bad?" "You mean, like cheating little old ladies at bingo?" "Well, that's an excellent example." "Go on." "And then low-balling them after you cheated them?" "All right, Jim, you're on a roll." "Keep going." "And then flirting with them to get central air for the church?" "Okay, let's wrap this up, shall we?" "Jim, come on." "I mean, you know what you got to do." "Don't you?" "Yeah, I should give Old Lady Meier a fair price for the bed." "And maybe stop calling her Old Lady Meier." "Welly, welly, welly." "Look at you, mister." "You feel better?" "Yeah, well..." "It was kind of painless, I guess." "Yeah, well, you know, when God's not smiting the wicked, she's a pretty good lady." "(BOTH LAUGHING)" "Thanks." "Sure." "So, I guess I'll see you in church Sunday, huh?" "Nope." "Great." "(IMITATES CROWD SCREAMING) Thank you!" "I'm back!" "Hello, Chicago!" "And God said, "Let there be rock!"" "(SINGING)" "Reverend?" "I've got to talk to you." "I'm at a moral crossroads, and..." "Jeez." "You know, um, bartenders love to listen, too." "Ah, come on." "I'm joking, I'm joking." "Come on in." "Come on." "So, after I sold the waterbed," "I went right over to Old Lady..." "Mrs. Meier's house, and I gave her the money." "And that's it?" "You didn't steal any lawn ornaments on your way out or anything?" "No." "I was very good." "She made me oatmeal and told me stories about the Great Depression." "Let me tell you something." "That lady does not like the Irish." "See, honey?" "Doesn't it feel good to have a clear conscience?" "Yeah." "Yeah, it does, even though I was forced into it." "(GROANS)" "You know, honey, it is kind of a shame we never got a chance to try out that waterbed." "Well, next time we're over at Andy's house, we'll have to sneak into his bedroom." "You sold it to Andy?" "Yeah." "What other sap would pay my 10% transaction fee?" "(LAUGHING)" "Kitty wanna play." "(PURRS)" "Ah." "Damn it!" "Cheryl, call Andy!" "Tell him I'm on my way over!"