"ALAN:" "Hello." "WOMAN:" "Hello." "Josh." "Hey, Dad." "Here he is." "Big man." "Everybody's very dressed up." "Yep." "Yeah, it's a pleasure to see you too." "Oh, my God, yeah, I have been doing squats, Dad." "Thank you for noticing." "How expensive is this place?" "Yeah, OK, I'm buying you and Mum a nice dinner, OK?" "You were worried about Mum, I was worried too." "I thought it'd be nice if I bought you guys dinner." "You could've told me to wear a nice shirt." "Oh, don't be modest." "That is a beautiful shirt." "Really?" "Mmm." "I'm not sure about it." "Mm-hm." "Lock up your daughters, everyone, 'cause Alan's here." "Alan is here to do things with your daughters." "Thank you." "Sex things." "Hey, Ma." "Hi." "Hello!" "Ohh. (CHUCKLES)" "How are you, Rose?" "Oh, yes, good. (CHUCKLES)" "Can I take your coat?" "ROSE:" "Oh!" "Yes." "I'm Josh's mum." "Perfect." "SONG: # One, two One, two, three, four" "# Ooh" "# Yeah, I'll be fine, yeah, yeah" "# Ooh # OK" "# Ooh, ooh # Oh, the good Lord knows it" "# Oooh, ooh-ooh # Oh, the good Lord knows it" "# Ooh # I left better behind" "# I'll be fine, yeah, yeah" "# Make my mamma turn another blind eye" "# Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah" "# I left better behind I'll be fine... #" "Look at this gorgeous plating!" "There is literally 15 dishes coming." "He didn't ask what we wanted." "It's a set menu." "Oh, Josh, I've always wanted to eat 15 tiny little meals for dinner." "Thank you!" "Josh, I'm on a diet." "No." "You're not on a diet." "WOMAN:" "Our puffed pig's ear." "ALAN:" "Ohh." "Dad, you made me drink fruit juice every morning of my entire childhood, OK?" "You don't get to diet this evening." "It's too much, Josh." "It's too much." "(CRUNCH!" ")" "Oh, bugger me, that's good!" "MAN:" "I'm sorry to interrupt." "My name's Dan." "I'll be taking care of the pairings this evening." "To begin, we're off to South Gippsland." "A little blend of Riesling..." "Thanks, Dan." "DAN: ..and a touch of skin-contact Semillon." "Cheers." "Here we go." "Cheers." "Eye contact." "Eye contact!" "OK. (CHUCKLES)" "This is gonna cost about 200 bucks a head." "Costs the same whether you complain about it or not, OK?" "So let's just stop." "Sorry, I'm just tired." "Why, what's going on in your little head, little matey?" "All I said was that Grace has been watching the iPad a lot lately and somehow Mae's twisted that to mean" "I think she's a bad mother." "Well, Grace HAS been watching the iPad a lot." "And then she said I had no idea, and I said something stupid and stormed out." "Well, what did you say?" "You have to..." "Don't skip that bit now." "I said, "Grace probably thinks Peppa Pig is her mum."" "(ROSE AND JOSH LAUGH) It wasn't funny." "I disagree." "I think it's a little funny." "And now she's texting me." "Mmm!" "My compliments to the chef." "I'll certainly pass those on." "Just text her and tell her you're sorry, OK?" "And let's move on." "Alright." "Good." "Feels better." "Mmm." "DAN:" "These nests are your golden eggs." "May be eaten shell and all." "Beautiful cured goose ham with gorgeous flavours of lavender and cherry blossom." "Thanks, Dan." "Thank you." "Josh, you meeting any new men?" "Oh, you'll like this." "I met a podiatrist." "Mmm!" "There you go." "But then he smoked meth." "Oh, that's not good, Josh." "(LAUGHS) It's not." "That is bloody serious, Josh." "It's not funny." "(LAUGHS) Yeah." "You must be clever, don't you think?" "To be that successful and have a meth addiction." "Impressive." "Please tell me you didn't do it." "(LAUGHS) Is this an intervention?" "I didn't organise my own intervention." "It's destroying rural communities." "(LAUGHS)" "Did you or not?" "No." "Of course I didn't!" "Josh!" "Could everyone just behave, please?" "(LAUGHS) I just had to make sure." "Sorry." "Tasty." "It's delicious." "I don't like you on these apps." "Why?" "You used to internet date." "What's the difference?" "Mmm!" "Aged beef is good." "Oh, that's not the same thing." "Don't think I don't know it's not the same thing, Josh." "Well, it depends on the app." "You know, on Tinder, you get a selection of people's photos." "And if you swipe right, it means that you like them and if they also swipe right, Tinder introduces you." "Yes!" "Correct." "Oh, it does sound convenient." "ALAN:" "Yeah." "Then you run the risk of having to bed this bozo. (CHUCKLES)" "ROSE:" "It must be very vulnerable putting yourself out there like that, though." "What choice do I have?" "Where am I meeting people?" "There's no people." "Do you get rejected a lot?" "You learn to focus on the people that like you, instead of the people that don't like you, it's fine." "I don't like you walking around with all that rejection." "It's really not like that." "I bet the first thing you do every day when you wake up is check your phone to see the time and then you get curious about those apps and - bam!" " before you know it you've been rejected before you even get out of bed." "Sometimes I get accepted." "And everyone making snap judgements based on your photo." "Mmm." "Like, you're a sweet guy, Josh." "You know, how do you put that across in a photo?" "Right, because I'd say the most alluring thing about you is your sense of humour." "Thanks, Dad." "I don't want to encourage you, but I have a really lovely photo of you." "Oh, God." "Oh, yeah!" "No, that is nice." "It's good." "Mmm." "ROSE:" "Yeah." "Yeah?" "I'll send a picture message." "Oh, thanks, Mum." "What are these?" "JOSH:" "It's fish eggs." "Do you miss Arnold?" "Um, sometimes I think I miss him but then I think maybe I just miss having someone around to fill the space and make noise." "Oh, like a wind chime?" "Yeah." "(SNIGGERS) ALAN:" "And this?" "BOTH:" "It's honeydew." "(SCOFFS)" "So, do you still talk to each other?" "Sometimes he messages me that he misses John." "It's probably code for you." "WOMAN:" "Porridge of sunflower seeds and winter walnuts enriched with lamb's udder that's been ageing for 13 months." "And just a touch of mackerel essence." "Oh, yeah." "ALAN:" "Thank you." "Alan, how's work?" "Oh, it's busy, yeah." "No more bullshit involved lately." "Good." "Dad, I think I have a confession to make." "ALAN:" "Yeah?" "I don't think I know what you do." "Very funny. (CRUNCHES)" "What do you actually do?" "How do my son and my ex-wife not know what my job is?" "JOSH:" "Maybe you told me when I was 13 and I didn't really understand it, and as I got older, it got too embarrassing, slash, you know, scary to ask you again." "I'm a managerial consultant, Josh." "Nuh." "Yeah, goes right over my head." "I was so sure it had something to do with real estate." "Well, I invest in real estate, but it isn't my job." "Funny hobby." "DAN:" "Next, we have a little Syrah from McLaren Vale." "Some beautiful black fruits mixed with black pepper and some baking spices." "Absolutely stunning with the very happy duck coming next." "ROSE:" "Thank you, Dan." "Thanks, Dan." "What are black fruits?" "Black fruits are like, you know, blackberries or blackcurrants, just dark berries." "And how do they get them into the wine?" "(CHUCKLES) No, they don't..." "They don't put fruit into the wine." "They don't put the berries in the wine, Rose." "Have you been thinking all night that they've been putting tropical fruit in the wine?" "JOSH:" "No, OK, so what it is, right, there just shouldn't be much else in wine other than grapes, OK?" "The reason why it's interesting is because, like, the same variety of grape grown in different soil or different weather would always taste different, right?" "They're just words they use to try and describe this particular flavour profile." "It's sort of why wine is so, like, romanticised, why it can be so expensive, 'cause you can never replicate what's happening in that bottle." "That's a once off - just that one year." "That make sense?" "Oh, I can smell the berries!" "JOSH:" "Yeah?" "Yeah, I can." "Mmm." "And spices and pepper." "You should be able to smell oak in there too." "They put the oak in." "That's interesting, isn't it?" "No, I don't smell any oak." "There's no oak." "There's definitely..." "there's just definitely oak." "Dan?" "Oh, God." "Um, is there oak in this?" "No, this one's made entirely in steel, but it does get a really nice sense of structure from the terroir of McLaren Vale." "Is that a no?" "No." "No oak in this one." "Thank you, Dan." "Zero oak." "Bit of stainless steel." "Alright, alright." "(ALAN CHUCKLES)" "Don't embarrass me in front of Dan." "(LAUGHS) I'm working on something here." "ROSE:" "Oh, yum!" "Ooh!" "ALAN:" "Ha ha." "Hey, do you remember the birds' nests?" "Ohh!" "(BOTH LAUGH)" "What?" "What's going on?" "On our honeymoon, on the island, there were these... ..all these holes where the birds would lay their eggs." "(LAUGHS) They...they should have warned us in the brochure." "(LAUGHS) Your dad..." "Every time we tried to go for a walk, your poor dad would just trip in one of the holes." "So furious." "You can imagine." ""F..." (LAUGHS)" ""Fucking mu..." "Fucking mutton-birds!"" "And then he's up at reception," ""Someone should fill in those bloody holes!"" "They should've filled them in." "It was a health-and-safety hazard." "Health-and-safety hazard." "(LAUGHS)" ""Should've been in the brochure."" "(BOTH LAUGH)" "I feel like every time you talk about the best parts of your relationship, it's always before I was born." "Oh, yeah, absolutely." "No doubt about that." "Josh was definitely the worst part of the relationship." "ROSE:" "No!" "Alright, OK." "(ALAN LAUGHS) Josh wasn't the worst part." "The affairs were the worst part." "JOSH:" "Ooh-ah." "ROSE:" "What?" "No, it's fine." "I don't..." "I'm just saying, the reason we broke up were the affairs." "Other than that, he's alright." "I think there were a number of reasons for the separation." "Oh, yeah, you had reasons - I was a nightmare." "But, you know, the affairs, I couldn't look past them." "But you're not too bad." "Have you seen his emu impression?" "Yep." "Yeah, we've all seen the emu impression, haven't we?" "Oh, he's doing it now." "(ROSE LAUGHS) Oh, no." "JOSH:" "Great." "(ROSE CONTINUES LAUGHING)" "(CHUCKLES) ROSE:" "Alan... (LAUGHS)" "Alan, sit down!" "(LAUGHS)" "Sorry, Dan." "ALAN:" "Sorry, Dan." "(ROSE LAUGHS)" "Sorry, sorry." "Actually, I'm surprised you weren't bullied at school." "Jesus fucking Christ." "Ooh." "Of course I was bullied at school." "What are you talking about?" "No, you weren't." "Were you?" "How do you not know this?" "Well, you never told us." "Did he tell you?" "I had a feeling." "I didn't need to tell you." "You saw me in school musicals." "Just 'cause you're in school musicals doesn't mean anything." "It means I was bullied." "I did worry when you went to school in red tights." "Yeah, why would you let me do that?" "I told you not to dress as a fairy." "I was Cupid, obviously, OK?" "I mean, I had heart-shaped arrows." "What were we supposed to do?" "Anything." "Not driving me to school in red tights seems easy enough." "Oh, it was just so often, lovey." "It was the ritual theatre." "The purple hair." "OK." "The cheerleading." "Mm-hm." "Performing arts prefect." "Accordion." "Yep." "Alright." "You had those full-body bathers." "Anyway, we were all bullied at school a bit, weren't we?" "Were we?" "Were you?" "Oh, yeah." "You were..." "Who bullied you?" "Nick Wasserman was constantly harassing me." "How?" "Always calling me stupid names." "What did he call you?" "Peaches." "Peaches?" "Peaches?" "On the bus, across the oval." "Always Peaches." "I mean, that's not so bad, is it?" "Peaches." "Delicious!" "Ah, excuse me, my name is Alan." "What did you call him?" "Just Nick?" "Yeah." "Not Big Boy?" "Sugar Lips?" "Nectarine?" "Nala?" "No." "Did he do anything else to you apart from calling you Peaches?" "Sometimes he'd turn up at my house unannounced." "So your bully in school was a guy who gave you a delightful nickname and then sometimes wanted to hang out." "I don't think that boy was a bully, Peaches." "I think he was in love with you." "(LAUGHS) Ohh!" "Why are you so desperate to have been bullied?" "It's OK to have not been bullied." "Mae bullies me." "(MUMBLES) No, she doesn't." "Oh, Mae's not a bully." "OK, she's not." "I just wanted to say that." "I don't know why." "Are you two alright?" "Oh, yeah, we're..." "we're working through things." "No, it's good, it's good." "So you think you'll stay together?" "Yeah, yeah." "Yes, you're staying together." "Dad, you're staying together." "No, don't say that, Joshua." "Sometimes it's best to know when things are over and if they were to separate it's better to do it when Grace is young." "Shut up." "# Wah, wah, wah Wah, wah, wah. #" "Oh, fuck." "Ohh!" "Fuck off." "Oh, God, that's fucked in the head." "That's like North Korea but in a lychee." "It's like blood diamonds, you know?" "Mmm!" "I'm going to list some other bad things now." "OK." "Um...income inequality." "Diabetes." "Cats." "Cat people." "What about getting a pimple in your nostril?" "Murder." "And speed cameras." "Murdering lots of people." "Or when, um, orcas are in captivity." "Vegans but not all the vegans, just quite a lot of them." "I haven't got one." "Umm..." "Oh, Josh, um..." "Ohh!" "I had something to tell you but I can't remember." "I'm not done listing bad things." "Hitler!" "Whoa, and we're done." "Yeah, you can't beat Hitler." "Oh, I remember." "(CHUCKLES) What?" "What is it?" "OK, I just wanted to remind you that, um..." "you're shit at sports." "(LAUGHS) Brilliant." "Funny." "Josh, have you heard from Hannah?" "Yeah, we've been texting." "How is she?" "Mmm." "She's getting bees." "I suppose those bees will be easier to live with than me." "I couldn't live with Hannah - terrifying woman." "Just text her, OK?" "She's got room in her social calendar for you." "No, I'm too scared to see what she says." "Do you want to send her a little video message?" "Hey?" "That could be cute." "I know how to do a face swap." "(PHONE APP DINGS)" "Hello, Hannah." "(LAUGHS)" "(BURPS) Oh!" "Sorry." "(LAUGHS)" "Oh!" "It's a smelly one!" "(LAUGHS)" "OK, I'm ready." "I'm already filming." "No, can we start again, Josh?" "Nah." "No, Josh, I really want to start again." "I'll edit it." "No, I don't..." "What am I going to say?" "What do you want to say?" "I'm sorry for being shit." "Well, then say that." "(CLEARS THROAT AND SIGHS)" "I'm sorry for being shit." "I hope you're well." "And, uh, put some papaya on your eye." "Brilliant." "Good." "Beautiful performance." "You didn't edit that, did you?" "No." "No. (CHUCKLES)" "Have you found someone to rent Tom's room yet?" "Oh, God, they're so far from moving out." "They're not good at doing 'things'." "You'd better bloody get onto it." "Yes, it's just that Tom's still in it." "Who do you think will be moving in?" "I don't know." "OK, just make sure you interview them before you give them the room." "I know, Dad." "ALAN:" "Girls are neat." "Are they?" "No, they're not." "Make sure they sign the lease and make sure they direct debit the rent, no excuses." "Yes!" "Dad, I know all this." "Why do you think I don't know all this, OK?" "I know, yeah?" "Why do you always have to pre-empt my mistakes?" "Can't I do the thing and if something goes wrong, I'll deal with it?" "You're always getting annoyed at me before the potentially annoying thing happens." "I think you need to calm down a bit, Josh." "Well, it's just never ending." "It's just always." "Insufferable." "Well, I have to pre-empt your mistakes because I'm the one who pays when it all goes tits up!" "Actually just not true, OK?" "I haven't asked for your help lately." "Sometimes you turn up and get cranky, but I've not asked you for nothin'." "Well, I do because I'm the bloody landlord!" "But, jeez, forget it, then." "I'm sorry." "No, Dad, you can't eat an artichoke and chamomile dessert like that." "You have to be mindful." "Stop it!" "OK, I..." "I..." "OK, stop it." "I just want to say a few things." "Now, putting aside when you're a bit of a brat with your dad, you're a great person, Josh." "(SIGHS)" "No, you are." "Now, I don't know if we just got lucky or if I owe your dad and Aunty Peg more credit than I ever gave them." "It definitely wasn't my doing." "(CHOKINGLY) You are a very special young man." "And I just want to let you know how thankful I am for that." "(SNIFFS)" "And that I'm very proud of you." "OK." "That was a lot." "Well, no, I don't care." "That's what you get for treating us just this nicely." "OK, Dad, tell me everything you want to tell me about the house." "I was just going to say that when you find someone to move in, ask them if they have a partner, otherwise you'll be copping two for the price of one and they'll be paying half price." "I'm going to the toilet." "I have something to tell you." "Oh, you've already said quite a lot." "I'm still in love with your dad." "No, you're not." "ROSE:" "Yes, I am." "You are not." "Yes, I am." "Are not." "I'm still in love with him." "Actually you're not." "ROSE:" "I am." "Why are you saying this?" "Because it's a thing you tell people and I don't have that many people I can tell." "Well, you aren't telling Dad." "Absolutely not." "Mmm..." "No." "Mum, ab-so-lute-ly not." "No, I won't, alright?" "I won't." "Stop looking so scared." "Oh, I mean, how?" "He's a fully grown adult and he's completely befuddled that things happen." "He's just shocked that things in life occur." "Oh, I'm not longing for him." "I mean, I don't want anything to change." "It's just a nice feeling to feel love for someone and I don't feel it very often and, look, I actually remember why I loved him." "And I feel it and you gave me wine, and I am indulging in my love for your dad." "It's very gross." "It is gross." "Ooh!" "So sorry." "Sorry." "God, they're flash bathrooms." "They've got mirrors on every side of the cubicle." "I felt like I was pissing into infinity. (LAUGHS)" "You're looking very slim, Rose." "JOSH:" "No, she's not." "ALAN:" "I'm sorry?" "Sorry, I mean, yeah, OK." "Yep, you look good." "He's just jealous of the compliment." "Oh, you're looking slim too..." "Thanks, Dad." "..Josh." "You should see the toilets." "No, I don't need to." "It doesn't matter." "But you've never seen anything like them." "Honestly, go on!" "I don't need to go!" "Alright, alright." "So back when you were five or six, a rainy day, your mum set you up on the kitchen bench and said, "Let's bake a cake."" "So we began with a little flour and some butter, a touch of baking powder, beautiful flavours of vanilla, some star anise and pistachios, a little nutmeg, touch of cinnamon..." "ROSE:" "Oh, this is wild!" "Ohh!" "Of course, some milk." "Ohh!" "(GIGGLES)" "And to finish, a few eggs." "Oh!" "(LAUGHS)" "(LAUGHS)" "Thank you." "Ohh." "Wow." "Wow." "Ohh!" "Mmm!" "(ALL CRUNCH NUTS)" "Mmm!" "Mmm!" "Mmm!" "Mmm!" "Mmm!" "Mmm." "Oh!" "Mmm!" "Mmmm..." "Yeah." "Mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm." "(QUIRKY PIANO MUSIC)" "It seems like your mum's in a really good place, doesn't it?" "Yeah, yeah, she seems good." "Yeah." "I don't think I've seen her this happy for years." "She looks healthy too." "Yep, yeah, very healthy." "Josh, do you...do you think maybe you could say something nice to your mum?" "What do you mean?" "I took her to a 15-course meal." "Yeah, no, I know." "Yeah, it's nice." "But, you know, I just think it would really make her day and maybe keep her in this mood if you could just, you know, go out on a limb and say something from the heart." "There are real towels in the bathroom." "Real, not paper." "I used two just because." "(CHUCKLES) Right." "Can I get you anything else?" "A tea or coffee?" "Oh, God, no." "Ah, no, thank you, Ellie." "I don't have any room left." "No, me neither." "Would you like me to organise the bill?" "Yeah, thank you." "(DRUMS ON TABLETOP)" "Um, Rose, Josh was just saying some really nice things about you while you were in the bathroom." "Weren't you, Josh?" "Yep." "OK, so, Mum, I've never said that really... ..that many genuine things about you, I guess, and that's because I tend to think nice things unsaid are usually the best things." "But I can see by the face that you're making right now that you would much prefer it if they were not unsaid." "(ALAN CHUCKLES) JOSH:" "So..." "Um, just, um, thank you for keeping me alive." "That would have been hard, right?" "That would have been a hard thing." "Secondly, ah..." "you're a fun person." "Yeah, I feel like maybe you don't know that, but the decisions you make, they're genuinely entertaining, especially when they're terrible and that has always been the only prerequisite I have for a friend." "Aww." "Also, um, you're a good person and I love you." "When you're ready." "Whoa, Dad." "(CHUCKLES)" "What are you doing?" "No, I'm paying." "Uh-uh, I just want to have a look." "No...no." "Josh, you're being silly." "Come on." "No, please just give it to me." "Please just let me have it." "(GASPS) 900?" "What?" "!" "900?" "Yeah." "Dad, I haven't bought you a Christmas present for, like, 25 years." "I can't believe this, Josh." "This is exactly what I was talking about before!" "Don't worry about it because I'm paying." "You can't afford that." "Yes, I can." "How?" "I'll put it on my credit card." "Oh, get fucked, you don't have a credit card." "I get points." "I'm paying!" "No..." "No, you are not!" "No, already have." "You let me." "You let me." "She can't afford this." "Ohh!" "(LAUGHS)" "This is the best 900 I have ever spent in my whole life!" "Are you kidding?" "Thanks, Mum." "(CHUCKLES)" "ALAN:" "Oh, boy, oh, boy, I've had too much to drink." "I can't drive home, so I'll probably get a parking ticket." "On top of everything else." "Book me an Uber." "How will I get home if you're on my Uber?" "Book two." "You can't book two Ubers." "Just get a taxi." "HANNAH:" "Nuh, get stuffed." "Next time you send a video, get some skin out." "I was waiting for a text to confirm my pizza." "Call me tomorrow." "ALAN: ..won't book me a car?" "I thought people your age preferred getting taxis." "What the hell's that supposed to mean?" "Oh, I love you, darling." "OK, thanks, Ma." "Thanks so much." "Oh, thank you for an incredible night." "Thank yourself." "I love you too, Alan." "I am so glad I got a chance to clean up the mess for a change." "It was not a mess." "Ah, Rose, do you need a lift home?" "Ah, no." "No, I'm going to catch the last train." "'Bye." "See ya." "She probably shouldn't kiss me like that." "Yeah." "Right?" "Captions by Ericsson Access Services" "Copyright Australian Broadcasting Corporation"