"Guys with kids is taped in front of a live studio audience." "[Groans]" "Gary?" "[Grunts]" "[Groans]" "I hurt everywhere." "Marny, last night, I fell asleep on the floor and used a rotisserie chicken as a pillow." "What did we do?" "Last thing I remember, I-- I climbed the Christmas tree, and when it fell over, I tried to ride it like a bull." "Oh, Gary." "Gary." "Huh?" "I think I'm gonna die." "Where are our children?" "Oh, I'm pretty sure we left them with Nick and Emily." "Oh, come on, baby, these are things we should know." "No." "No, no, no." "We went over there last night to pick them up, and they said that they would keep them." "Oh, my God." "Oh, I hope we didn't embarrass ourselves." "Oh, impossible." "I don't get drunk." "I get awesome." "[Knocks on door]" "Hold on!" "Here are your children." "Here is your bra." "Uh, can I get you guys some coffee or something?" "After what happened last night?" "We are so not talking to you." "Awesome!" "Someone threw up in my bed!" "When are Nick and Emily coming?" "Emily's bringing the crackers, all I have is cheese." "This is madness." "They should be here any minute." "They were just taking their Christmas card picture." "You know, last year they were dressed as reindeer pulling Santa's sleigh with a caption that read," ""it's raining deer." "Hallelujah, it's raining deer."" "There is no way they can sustain the level of cuteness." "Hi, everyone!" "Yet they do." "♪ Life is how you live it ♪" "♪ ooh ♪" "♪ wake up where you want to be ♪" "♪ hey, hey ♪" " ♪ you and me ♪ - ♪ Ooh ♪" " ♪ we're happy ♪ - ♪ Ooh, hey ♪" "♪ we need our friends like the sun ♪" "♪ everybody singing' ♪" "♪ why would you walk when you can run?" "♪" "♪ everybody singing' ♪" "♪ why would you walk when you can run?" "♪" "I know there's been some talk that I could not pull off green velvet." "I think we can all agree I've put those rumors to rest." "Hi, sorry I'm late." "I was just trying to finish up my holiday shopping." "Shopping." "Huh." "I thought you just stole all the presents out of Whoville." "So pimp, leprechaun, or both?" "Remember what we got each other last year?" " I do, a divorce." " Yeah." "Oh, okay." "Tell it again, Chris." "Please?" "Okay, I will set the stage." "They just had a baby, hoping it would repair their marriage." "It didn't." "And..." "Go." "I remember it like it was yesterday." "We were getting ready for my office Christmas party." "You were complaining about how you hated my tie." "Yes." "Grinding my spirit down to a fine powder." "And then Sheila said..." " If that's the way you feel" " No, no, no." "I do a much better you than you, apparently." "[Deep, raspy voice] If that's the way you feel..." "Then maybe we just shouldn't be together." " Nick!" " Nick!" "[Normal voice] But your divorce was the best Christmas gift of all time." "Except for the Christmas gift you got me last year." "He saved a memento of every date we've ever been on, and he made me a scrapbook of them." "So romantic." "He's so desperate." "You jest, Big G, but don't look too deeply into my eyes because you may just fall in love." "Well, Gary and I definitely went all-out with our present to each other this year." "Oh, my God, you guys are finally taking that trip to Paris?" "Better." "Both:" "We got a new dishwasher!" "Come see, come see!" "[Laughs]" "Oh, I'll just see from afar." "Shh, listen, listen, it's running right now." " You can't even hear it." " Oh." "I can hear it." "What?" "Well, I have, like, super hearing, yeah." "During college, at my one-man show, Chris:" "Just a guy," "I was actually able to hear somebody all the way in the back row whisper, "wonderful."" "But this isn't romantic." "Oh, the thought of not having to rinse everything before putting it in the dishwasher?" "[Laughs]" "That gets me hot." "No, this stops now." "I am staging an intervention." "My Christmas present to you guys this year is to help you spice up your marriage." "Well, thank you," " but we're fine." " Mm-hmm." "Hey, you know, guys, I still have a couple DVD copies of my one-man show, Chris:" "Just a guy." "We should make a night of it." "Yeah, the Daily Northwestern called it "Unnecessary." [Laughs]" "Oh, good, the idiot's not here." "Oh, yes, he is!" "Fine." "Look, after dinner, I started thinking about how it's been a year since we decided to get divorced, and, well, I think it's only right if I give you back our engagement ring." "Oh, great." "Now we have to travel to Mordor and throw it in the fires of Mount Doom." "But, Sheila, I gave it to you as a symbol of my undying love, which died." "Chris, just take it." "You know I always win." "You're gonna wind up with it eventually." "Not taking it, Sheila." "[Sighs]" "Fine." "I will be the mature one and keep the ring." "Think fast." "No backsies." "You give me that ring, Frodo." "It's much too powerful." "Hey, guys." "Violet, go have fun." "Don't play with those little punks who climb up the slide." "So what did you guys do last night?" "Actually, you'll like this." " We had a little bit of a date." " Yeah." "We sat in bed and read to each other." "Happy?" "Aw, I love that." "What did you guys read?" "The dishwasher manual." "Cover to cover." "Turns out I know more Portuguese than I thought." "You're right, honey." "Their marriage has stalled." " Would you stop that?" " I can't!" "I see you turning into my parents." "It starts with getting each other appliances, and then you spend the next 40 years in a rut, falling asleep in front of the TV." "Daddy?" "Is his foot stuck?" "Is it stuck?" "Is it stuck?" "Look, Emily, we are not in a rut, okay?" "We're fine." " We go on plenty of dates." " Mm-hmm." "Oh, like what?" "We returned that stepladder to home warehouse." " Mm-hmm." " We had a hot dog outside." "Hot dog combo outside." "And before that..." "We took in some jazz music in the waiting room of the boys' pediatrician." "Pretzel guy's here." "Look, let me plan a real date for you." "I'm kind of an expert at this." "We don't need you to plan our dates." "Guys, spending your Friday nights watching people get murdered on Dateline is not a date." "Fine." "Then will you leave us alone?" " I promise." " Daddy?" "Can I have a jungle gym for Christmas?" "Sure, you know, you can have this jungle gym, and we'll just keep it here." "Get off my jungle gym!" "Okay, Ernie are you getting ready?" "Because this is gonna be fun." "[Pop goes the weasel plays]" "He is gonna just pop out." "♪ ♪" "Here it comes." "Yeah?" "Here it comes." "Any second now." "Just any second now." "This is--does not usually take this long." "I don't know what's happening." "What is happening-- oh!" "Oh..." "Oh, Ernie." "Once again, your father has chosen the wrong person to engage." "[A Holly Jolly Christmas plays]" "Oh." "Urgent." "Sweet." "♪ ♪" "Oh, lookit." "Here." "Ready?" "Ready?" "[Dog barks]" "Whee." "[Dog barks]" "Hey." "So..." "This is Nick and Emily's favorite winter date." "Yeah, it's a lovely night out for a carriage ride." "Mm-hmm." "[British accent] Would you fancy some white wine?" "[British accent] I would fancy some white wine." "Why are we talking like this?" "We're in a carriage, and we do as the carriage people do." "[Both laugh]" " Oh!" "Oh, honey!" " Son of a bitch!" "Marny, I'm sorry." "I can't pour in this bumpy-ass thing." "There is no way Nick and Emily find this carriage ride enjoyable." "I know." "How the hell could this be romantic?" "I'm cold, I'm wet, and I can't help but wonder if there's such a thing as horse deodorant." "I know, what's up with that?" "Ugh." "Let's just take our rut and go home." "We could see if the dishwasher can get those spaghetti sauce stains out of our tupperware!" "No, no, baby, look." "I got a better idea." "Nick and Emily have the kids." "We finally have a night out to ourselves." "Let's tear it up how we used to do." "Oh, you wanna hit up some bars?" "Maybe do some cleavage body shots?" "I don't know if I still have the boobs for that, but you can try." "[Both laugh]" "You're so silly." "Let's get out of here." " Yes." " All right." " One, two..." " Honey?" "Three." "Tuck and roll!" "Gary!" "Excuse me, sir." "Would you mind stopping?" "[Groans]" "Nick and Emily Thayer!" "We are in your living room!" "Whoa." "And you're welcome." "Somebody had a good time tonight." "Yep." "And we're coming for the kids." "Release them." "Oh, you guys." "Thank you so much." "You guys..." "I'm sorry, you're gonna have to excuse me." "Huh?" "This thing is just driving me crazy." " Oh." " [Laughs]" "Yeah." "Yeah, no, that part of the tree was getting a little too kid-friendly." "You know, we will be happy to watch the kids for the night." "Both:" "Aw." "Thank you." "Because we are going to have sex." "[Laughs]" "See, I am an expert." "The carriage ride worked." "Oh, no." " The carriage ride sucked." " Shh." "You guys didn't like it?" "No, that's not what she said." "She said it sucked." "Come on." "It was one of your Nick and Emily dates." "Mm-hmm." "It was one of your Nemily dates." " Nemily?" " Yeah." "You know, Nick, Emily." "Nemily." "We all call you that." "So, Nemily, I don't know what you guys are trying to prove with getting all romantic and stuff, but you're working too hard." "And I'm gonna let you in on a little secret because I love you, and you are watching my kids, so I can go have sex." "Yeah, but sometimes you guys are just too cute, and we think it's ridiculous." "You're welcome." "Who's "we all"?" "Honey, they're very drunk." "They don't know what they're talking about." "Nuh-uh, I don't get drunk." "I get awesome." " I am drunk." " [Laughs]" "Oh, I love you so much." "Mwah." "Marny out." "[Hums]" "Well, those were the rudest carolers of all time." "You guys want some coffee or something?" "After what happened last night?" "We are so not talking to you." "Awesome!" "Someone threw up in my bed!" "Guys, look, whatever we said" "Nope." "I don't wanna hear it." "Come on, Emily." "Don't you mean Nemily?" "Thayers out." " Hey, hey." " Nick!" "Oh, no." "I must have done my "Marny out" thing." "I can't believe I called them Nemily to their face." "Dad, Nick promised that you were gonna take us to ride roller coasters today." " Boys, I can't" " He promised!" "Do you call us Nemily?" "Uh..." "Do you think we're ridiculously cute?" "Are we annoying?" "Uh..." "Oh, come on." "Yeah, thank you." "You've said enough." "[Door slams] Uh..." "Eh." "Everybody thinks we're ridiculous, huh?" "You know what?" "They are just saying we are ridiculous because they're jealous." "That's what it is." "They are jealous that we don't eat hot dogs in parking lots." "Call me ridiculous, I'll kill you!" "Okay, honey?" "Yep?" " Can I ask you a question?" " Yep." "Why don't we just take the stabby things out of your hands before I do?" "Okay." "You know, these carriage rides, do you have fun when we go on those?" "Because I'm just gonna be honest for a second and just throw it out there." "Not my favorite thing." "But you always said you loved it." "I do--I love it because you love it." "Okay?" "But a lot of the things that we normally do aren't things I would normally do." "But I love that you love them." "Okay, the carriage ride's not my favorite." "It's cold and smelly." "And I'm pretty sure that's when my sweater got fleas." "It sucked." "Then why do we keep doing it?" "Because." "Because it's something my parents would have never done." "They would never make caramel apples or go swing dancing." "They're just two people sharing the same space." "I swore to myself when I got married" "I would never turn into them." "Come here, come here." "Listen, no matter what happens, we are never gonna turn into your parents, okay?" "For one, I am not an auctioneer." "And also, you don't have a permanent wedgie." "[Laughs]" "I just think not everything we do has to be so over-the-top." "Okay, not every date, not every present, not every picture has to be such a huge production." "I don't think we're over-the-top." "Really?" "That's-- that is ridiculous." "Yep." "We ordered 1,000 of those." "You guys want some wine?" "If you even think of opening that, and if I smell it, I will beat you to death." "Baby." "Gotcha loud and clear." "Super hearing." "Yeah." "Also a great listener." "Two separate powers." " Hi." " Whoa, whoa, whoa." " What?" " Can you please take off your shoes and empty out your pockets?" "Chris, I don't have the ring, and I've grown tired of this silly game." "Mm-hmm." "Turn around, please." "Oh, hey, guys." "Before you say anything, we are so, so sorry." "Yeah, we should have never called you Nemily." "[Gasps] We can call them that to their faces now?" "You call us Nemily too?" "Well, of course." "I call anything that annoys me Nemily now." "Adults with light-up shoes, Nemily." "Anyone who wears shorts in November, Nemily." "Ooh, someone who tries to start a conversation in the elevator," "Nemily." "Yeah." "Actually, I've called all of you" "Nemily at one point or another." "But we don't mean it." "Okay." "Look, we think you guys are a great couple." "And we love that you do all of that romantic stuff." "Thank you, but you were right." "We need to calm the hell down." "So you guys aren't upset with us?" "No, and I had no right to say that you guys were in a rut." "No, no, no, it's okay, really." "You got us out of the house, and that's something we should do more often." "Yeah, but we just can't do it like we did it last night." "I can't pee in the hamper again." "It sends the wrong message to the kids." "What?" "Nothing." "[Giggles]" "How?" "I win." "[Sighs] Sheila." "The ring is yours." "Remember, I tried to give you my grandmother's ring." "You said, "no, not until she's officially declared dead."" "And you went out, and you picked this one, so" "Chris, I don't want it!" "Why is it so important to you that I take this back?" "Because!" "I feel guilty keeping it." "That ring is a symbol of our divorce, which over the past year, I have come to realize" "I was responsible for." "[Halfheartedly] No, come on, it was both of us." "No." "It was all me." "And I'm not the easiest person to get along with." "And instead of trying to solve the problem," "I would just say, "this is me." "If you don't like it, get out."" "And I'm sorry for that." "The ring is yours." "If you don't like it, get out." "[Chuckles]" "You know, the funny thing is this ring game is the most fun we've had together in a long time." "Well" "I want you to keep it, okay?" "As a symbol, not of our failed marriage, but of our wonderful divorce." "I like the sound of that." "Okay, Chris." "You win." "Yes!" "Finally!" "I will keep the $45,000 ring." "That's what I told you." "This Garny date's pretty good, huh?" "You see what I did there?" "I combined Gary and Marny, made Garny." "I did see that." "Both:" "Mm." "We got hot dogs and chips and soda-- the combo, huh, what else do we need?" "This is pretty nice." "I'm not gonna post any of these photos on Facebook, but it is pretty nice." "Well, I'm glad to hear you say that because remember last year when I made you that awesome present, and even then, we were like, "gosh, I don't know how he's gonna top it this year"?" "Well, since we are calming the hell down" "You are gonna find a way to top it." "I am gonna find a way to top it."