"## [Man Singing]" "## [Continues]" "## [Ends]" "[Jack Narrating] New York is a crowded city- millions of people competing for a tiny amount of space." " Oh!" "Hey!" " Nobody cuts you any slack." "Nobody gives you a break." "Everybody's out for themselves." "Day in, day out, it's you against the world." "In a city like this, the only way to survive is with the help of your friends." " You're kicking me out?" " You've been crashing with us for three days." "And it is Monique's apartment, and she wants some alone time with her boyfriend." "Yeah, but you shag constantly." "How much more alone time do you need?" "Not me." "Her boyfriend." "He gets back from Thailand tomorrow." "Yeah, but my sublet is up." "Where am I supposed to stay?" " Oh, no!" "Sorry!" " Gotta go!" " ## [Whistling Nonchalantly]" " No, no, no, no." " Hey!" "Hey." " Uh, no." "Never again." "All I'm saying is, "hair on the soap."" "What doesn't bother you?" " I couldn't even see the soap." " Couldn't" "It's a sign of my masculinity." "I'm not gonna apologize for that." "You could stay with me." "We'd have to sleep head-to-toe." "But that's fun for me- like Scouts and all." "Jim, I'm gonna have to decline your homoerotic offer." "I appreciate your loyalty." "Did you just sign for these?" "Ooh." "Um- [Stammering]" "Wh-What answer won't get me yelled at?" "Apparently that one." "Hey!" "Hey!" "Hey!" " I'm not payin' for damaged goods." " What?" " I said I'm not payin' for damaged goods." " What, are you nuts?" " Which ones are damaged?" " Ah, this one." " I" " Stop!" " And this guy right here." " What are you doin' to my truck?" "[Yelps]" " This one." "[Woman] Hey!" "I'm walkin' here!" " Oh, God." "I'm sorry." "I didn't- - [Tires Screech]" " Minchione!" " Hey!" "[Laughing] Nice arm." "Wow." "Oh, God." "I'm sorry about your jacket." " Why don't you come inside?" "I'll put club soda on it." " No need." "I live right upstairs." "Oh." "You're the one I hear cursing in Italian." "I also walk around naked, but that's more of a visual thing." "Hello, Jack." "After all this time, you're still frightened of me." "This is good." "Why do you smell of tomatoes?" "Oh." "Um, problem with the vendor outside." " I'll make a call." " Great." "In return, I have a small favor to ask of you." " Feel free to say no." " Really?" "No." "It's a large favor, and you have to do it." "Uh, private party?" "That's our dark night." " We are not working a private party." " [Man] Yeah." "Oh, you do it for Pino." "Just think of it as a party that you're all invited to... except you'll be working and you're not invited." " [Staff Grumbling]" " Cool." "Uh, still not feelin' it, Jack." "My mother's in town, and my father is throwing her a party." "And I'm setting the menu, so you're gonna do it." "Set her straight, Tea Bag!" "Again with the nicknames." "Why can't you be a human being?" " Why can't you just be a Tea Bag?" " What does that mean?" "Let's not turn on each other." "It's her we hate." "Great." "Hate me." "As long as you fear me." " We don't fear you." " [Whimpering] Why do you hate me?" "Private party tomorrow night." "New menu." "Short fuse." "This is what I live for." "[Laughs]" " I love what I do." " Yeah." "Um, about that." "Uh, we think that you should quit the business." " What?" " You're horrible." "You're just not chef material." " Your food is" " Bland, obvious, boring." "It tastes like you if you were food." "Guys, you're smashing' my dream." "It won't hurt so much if you just stop struggling." "Okay." "I will not stop struggling." "Okay, cooking?" "This?" "This is my everything." "Cooking isn't about struggling." "It's about pleasure." "It's just sex with a, uh, wider variety of sauces." "Well, I wouldn't know about that." "Wait." "Are you saying you're a virgin?" "[Dish Shatters On Floor]" " Well, I haven't... had "coytus"- - [Laughter] if that's what you mean." " That's not funny." " [Man] That's beautiful." "That is why you're a terrible chef." "You're a virgin." "That" " I" " You know, I don't think that that would matter." " Because you're a virgin." " If you want to be a great chef... your only hope is to have sex immediately." "Can't I just use more salt or something?" "You want the shrimp fra diavolo delivered where?" "But" " But that's our address." " Hey." "What's wrong?" " Somebody's calling for takeout." " Okay." " Inside the restaurant." "Pull yourself together." "Hi." "Uh, excuse me." "This is- Sorry." "The kitchen's closed." " [Stomping On Ceiling] - [Gasps]" " Oh, it's naked, cursing Italian lady." " Cursing Italian lady?" "Oh, uh" " In that case, I'll put my best man right on it." "Hello?" "Hello." "It's Jack Bourdain from the restaurant downstairs with your, uh" "Don't worry if you're naked." "I have my eyes closed." "Yeah, well, then I have plans tonight too." " And they also involve a cheap blond." " [Mouths Word]" "Just put that down right there." "No." "It's too late for that now." "It is too late for that, you selfish son of a bitch!" " [Beeps] - [Grunts]" "Oh." "Probably your mom?" " ## [Background:" "Rock] - [People Chattering]" "Guys, I really don't want to do this." "Opie." "Opie." "You want to be a great chef?" "You must first experience carnal pleasure." "Oh!" "But I can't talk to women." "I'm not good at tooting my own horn." "I'm not a "tooter."" "Relax, buddy." "Steven's doin' the tootin' for you." "It's a sad story- two weeks to live." "That is so tragic." "You know, he doesn't..." "really look sick." "Yeah, he does." "Of course, the real tragedy is he'll, uh- he'll die without ever knowing the warm embrace of a female." "Breaks my heart really." "You are the most sensitive man I have ever met." "Wha" " He's kissing her?" "How is" " How is that gonna help me?" "God!" "That is just so selfish." "Did he forget that we're here to help Jim?" "Yeah." "He's usin' how pathetic you are to score with the ladies." "And it's working." "Because he looks so totally normal." "And yet the I.." "Q of an eggplant." " Aw, thistle milk!" " And I just, uh- just don't feel right, you know... letting him waste away in that- in that special chair." "After all, it was..." "my nail gun." "You can't keep blaming yourself." "[Murmurs]" "[Moaning]" "So, when I found him, he was covered in his own filth." "So you're tellin' me that kid was raised by wolves?" "Oh!" "Darn me!" "What I'd like for you to focus on is my sympathy for my friend." "[Scoffs]" "Thanks for stayin'." "I really needed someone to talk to." "Oh, hey." "Look, I might just be the guy who brought your shrimp... but, uh, your boyfriend?" "Sounds like a real jackass who doesn't deserve you." "Fresh pepper?" " You really think so?" " Yes." "And I think that, deep down... you know that he's not gonna leave his wife for you." "So what does it boil down to?" "It boils down to you and your lack of self-esteem." " Shall I grate some Parmesan?" " You're right." "Why should I be loyal to a man who's disloyal to me?" " You want more." "You want better." " I want dessert." "[Jack Narrating] Sex is like any other hunger." "If you're starving and someone serves it up on a platter  [Woman] My, my, my!" " [Shatters] you're gonna dive right in." " Mmm." " The problem is..." " [Woman Moaning] - there's no such thing as a free lunch." "[Woman] Nice." "[Gasping] Pino?" "Pino is your boyfriend?" "Actually, I started out as his accountant." "No, you" " You're his concubine." "You're his "account-cubine"!" " [Door Opens] - [Pino] Bellissima." " You can go to hell!" " I'm home." "Where are you, darling?" " Oh, geez!" "Oh, my God!" "Get off!" "." "Get off me!" " Where" " No, don't go." " [Shrieking] Get off me!" "Get" " Don't go." " [Whimpering]" "Mornin'." "Hey." "That's good." "Just get my laundry." "Hey." "[Chuckling] So you nailed Pino's mistress." " Brilliant." "Feed the chicken." " No, no, no!" "I will not feed the chicken." "There is no chicken." "This never happened." "Then why did you tumble from the sky in your underpants?" "I don't have a convincing response to that." "Look, even if Pino does find out, who cares?" "He's European." "They're very open-minded about these things." "Good." "Open-minded." " Yeah." "I'm probably worried about nothin'." "Europeans." " Yeah." " [Clears Throat]" " What happened to you?" " Nothing." "Um, about the tomatoes." " What?" "Tell your boss there'll be no trouble in the future." "None." "And also, I got him this clock radio." "I want to thank him for not killing me." "Thank you." "Ow!" "Yeah." "You're a dead man." "You gotta promise not to tell anybody about this- not the night of Pino's party." "Who am I gonna tell?" " You slept with Pino's mistress?" " Huh?" "Did you ever stop to think about us- how this might affect me and Tea Bag?" "Just stop it." "That is never gonna catch on." "I went upstairs to drop off some shrimp fra diavolo, and sex was" "It was just unintentional, man." "Did it ever occur to you that if Pino kills you, we're all out of work?" "No, but next time I risk my life by sleeping with the boss's mistress..." "I'll make sure to think about, how is this gonna affect Seth and Tea Bag?" " Thank you!" " [Laughing] Tea-Tea Bag." " Hey!" " It is" " It is kinda catchy." "Excuse me." "I just came to return these." "Okay." "We really need to, uh" "No, no." "Don't-Don't" " Oh!" "Mmm!" " Why can't we be together?" " [Man] Ba-Ba-Ba-Baby!" "I can think of literally a thousand reasons why." "No." "What are you" " No sweeping." "Don't sweep." "You're sweeping." "Don't sweep." "[Woman] Ah!" "What are you doing with your leg?" "You need" " You need to be with Pino." "[Woman] Mmm!" " You said Pino was a jackass." " I did?" "He is a jackass." " No!" "I didn't say that." " But you said I deserve loyalty." " You know how to get loyalty?" "You give it." " But I already cheated on him." "After he canceled dinner, so technically that's not cheating." "And even if it was, it's okay because" "Sometimes..." "the absence of loyalty" "It's the highest form of loyalty." " What?" " I believe Jesus said that." " This is all so confusing." " Well, love is confusing." "And you are in love with Pino." "So you need to forget about me and-and- and destroy every shred of evidence that I was ever upstairs." "Okay?" "Okay." "[Sighing] Okay." " [Fruit Rolling On Floor]" " Oh, hey, Tanya." " [Yelps]" "Are you okay?" "Tanya, if you had a box of cookies... that you were saving to share with... someone special... but your friends wanted you to open the box right away... what would you do?" "I'd probably open it immediately- and jam my face in there and eat 'em all." "'Cause when it comes to cookies- [Giggles]" " I can't get enough." " Oh, my God." "But I'd regret it." "'Cause nothing tastes as good as that first cookie... and you'll never have that cookie again." "Yeah." "I should wait." "Thank you, Tanya." "That's" " That's good." "Or... you could take 'em out and lick 'em and put 'em back." "That way, even if somebody else gets them... you know that you had 'em first." "Uh" "So you told her he was raised by wolves?" " And she actually bought that?" " Oh, yeah, she bought it." " And she paid retail gladly." " [Gasps]" " With Jim, you can say anything." " So did you go home and" " What's wrong with the baby spinach salad?" " There's not enough baby in it?" "All right, look." "Tonight is my one chance to prove to my father... that I am something more than a waitress- Don't touch me." "So I'd appreciate it if you guys... could work with me just- just this one time." " [Staff] No!" " It's not gonna happen." " There you are." "Oh, hi." "Busy." " Will you stop hiding in the kitchen?" " Okay." "I" "I want to introduce my new chef to my friends and family." "Come on." "Oh." "You're right." "I will cover the kitchen." "All right, people, keep doin' what you're doin'." "Hey, Ramon." "Those dishes aren't gonna wash themselves." " Ramon." " Nobody's gonna miss her." "Grace, this is our head chef, Jack Bourdain." " Jack, my wife, Grace." " Oh, a pleasure." "Mmm!" "Mmm!" "Wow." "Pino has such exquisite taste in women." "Woman!" "Woman." "Just you." "There's just one." "Jack, I can't believe it's taken this long to meet you." " I've heard so much about you." " Oh, and I've heard so much about you." "You're right." "He is a good liar." "No, no." "I'm not a li" "[Inhales] So, what's the secret to a happy marriage?" " His and hers cities." " [Laughing Loudly]" "God." "You see, that comes from knowing and loving for a long, long time." "Oh, here's to Pino and to" " Gia!" " [Glass Shatters]" " Oh!" "Oh, my God!" "I didn't expect to, uh" "[Laughs] I didn't expect to see you here." " Yes, what a complete and total surprise." " Who is this?" " Oh." " Oh, this is Gia." "Focaccio." "She's our accountant." "Nolita's accountant." "We were working together today, and I just thought, why not invite her?" " So" " Yeah." "Why not?" " Jack." " Yeah." "Perhaps you'd like to show my mom around the kitchen." " Okay." " No." "My mom." " Kitchen." " Okay." " Show her." "Now." " Yeah." "I know." "I'm just gettin' ready." "Okay, let's go." "Ladies." "...crazy." "So, this is the kitchen." "This is Jim, your tour guide." "He's the only one I trust to give you a thorough and accurate tour of the kitchen." " Really?" " Huh?" " Really?" " Yes." "Yes." "Yes." "Uh, and don't skip anything." "Oh, no." " Hi." " Hi." " Um, I'm" " I'm Jim, for starters." " Mm-hmm." "And, uh, welcome to the magical world of cooking." "[Laughs]" "Let's do this thing." " Look, she's here." "She's here." " Oh, what, the crazy mistress?" " And the ball-busting wife." "Don't look!" "Help me!" " Why'd you tell me to look?" "Okay." "Oh!" "I'm not sure which to expect first- castration or unemployment." "Uh, this is Seth, our pâtissier." " This is Grace, Pino's wife." " Pino's wife?" "No, no." "That's impossible." " [Shouting] No!" " [Bowl Clatters On Floor]" "[Laughing]" "These guys, they do stuff like this all the time." " [Forced Laugh]" " You okay?" " Jack, my father wants to see you." " [Gasps]" "[Exhales] Does he look like he wants to kill somebody?" "Does he ever not look like that?" "[No Audible Dialogue]" "Hey." "Look like you own the place." "[Chuckles]" "Jack, you're loyal to me, huh?" "A man I can trust." "That's right, I am." "No matter what you hear from anyone." "I have a small favor to ask of you." "Feel free to say no." "So you have a large favor, and, um  [Clears Throat] I have to do it?" " Mm-hmm." "Does it involve food or the mistress?" "The food I can live with." "You wanna go over the books now?" "I'm the chef!" "." "I can't be in here with you alone." "I don't care anymore." "I'm gonna tell him everything." "Uh, how many of those have you had?" "Mmm, four upstairs, three down here." "That's 1 2 all-in." "And you're an accountant?" "[Chuckles]" "You know, maybe tonight wasn't a good idea for you to be here." "Hey." "You're the one who said I should try to get him back." " I've got a plan." " A plan?" "Good." "Plans are constructive." "I'm gonna burn his marriage down." "[Laughing]" "And this is Ramon de la Cruz, which, if I'm not mistaken... is Spanish for "King of the Dishwashers."" " [Laughing] - [Chuckles]" " Let's move on, shall we?" " Yes." "Why don't we?" "[Man] ¡Arriba!" "So, you see now why this is not a good plan?" "Yes, I do." "You've convinced me." "So you're not gonna destroy the marriage and burn the house down?" " No." " Okay." " I've been shtuping him." " [Glasses Smash]" " What?" " He's my new boyfriend?" "What do you think about that?" "Jack?" "What is she talking about?" " What is she talking about?" " I asked you first." "Our plan." "You see, Grace will think that she's sleeping with me." "So then she can't know if she's sleeping with you." "That's brilliant." " It is?" " Mm-hmm." " Dad?" "A word." " Yes?" "God, I'm good." " Why is your mistress here?" " My mistress?" "Oh, bellissima." "No, no, no." "I have been covering for you for years." "I am not gonna do it anymore." "You bring her to mom's party?" " That is the final straw." " She wandered down from upstairs." "Upstairs?" "She's the reason why I didn't get that apartment?" " She's the tenant who won't move out?" " Fine." "The apartment's yours." "I don't want it now." "That's disgusting." "Well, what do you want, darling?" "And so I'd like to introduce you to the new owner of Nolita- my daughter Mimi." " [Gasps]" " Yea!" "Yeah, she is gonna be insufferable." " Oh, sweetie, I'm so happy for you." " I know." "[Air Kissing] I know." "It's crazy." "Can you believe it?" "I have something to say." "[Laughs]" "Pino, I am" "I'm gonna be sick." "[Body Thuds]" "You are definitely going to be audited." "[Chuckling]" "You made Mimi the boss?" "After all I've done for you, you made Mimi the boss." "You're right, Jack." "I owe you." "Come with me." "It's all yours." " Are you serious?" " As a heart attack." " What about Gia?" " I'm moving her to my place in Milan." " You're moving to Milan?" " No." "## [Humming]" "Ready for the big night out, huh?" "No, no." "Hey." "Buddy, check the board." "I got him tonight." "No, no, no, no." "There's a mixer at NYU." " Coeds love him." " Okay, you know what?" "That's enough." "I'm not going out with either of you tonight." "I've officially retired as sex mascot." "Hey, don't be like that, man." "I got you fudge." "Huh?" "You can keep your stupid fudge." "I don't care if you guys don't think I'm a good chef." "I don't care." "I'm" " I'm gonna wait until I find the right woman." "Because, if I give that cookie away..." "I'll never get it back." "Well, you keep a firm grip of your little cookie." " Don't need that, eh?" " Uh-huh!" " Dead weight." " [Laughing]" "I'm really proud of you." "Yeah, well, you gave me the courage." " [Chattering] - [Laughing]" "## [Man Singing]" " Hey, where's Jim?" " Uh, he bailed." " Loser." "He doesn't know what he's missin'." " I know." " So, mixer" " NYU?" " Yeah." " You wanna be my deaf cousin?" " Nah." "I'm always the deaf cousin." "Why?" "Why?" "Think about it." "## [Man Singing]" " [Sighs] - ## [Continues]" "## [Ends]" " Here she comes." "Here she comes." " Forget it." "I'm not gonna do it." "I'd do it to help you get some." " I don't wanna get some." " Yeah, and I do." "So we're on the same page." " Do it!" "Do it!" "Come on!" " Fine!" " [Gasping, Gurgling]" " Nice." "Help!" "Quick!" " Someone!" "Hey, you." " Oh, my goodness." "What happened to your friend?" "Oh, he's not my friend." "He's-He's" " He's my brother." "Oh." "You poor thing." "What are you idiots doin' out here?" "The party starts in three hours." "Is he havin' a seizure?" "Oh!" "I fell in poop!"