"25.000" "Before yesterday, I'd never set foot on this station, but it's as familiar to me as the back of my hand." "Isn't that odd?" "You have no idea who I am, do you?" "I didn't think so." "Thanks for listening anyway." "I was killed here." "I mean, Jadzia was." "I try not to think about that." "If I did, I'm not sure I could come here." "It's a strange sensation, dying." "No matter how many times it happens to you, you never get used to it." "It must be a little disconcerting for you, knowing that I have Jadzia's memories." "No wonder you're uncomfortable." " lt's a lot to get used to." " Tell me about it." "Well..." "I'll let you get to your prayers." " Bloodwine." " That's the good stuff." "I served it when you and Worf got married." "It smells awful." " lt used to be your favourite." " l used to be right-handed, too." " A lot's changed since I was joined." " l can imagine." "Seven lifetimes' worth of memories would mix up anyone." " Or is it eight?" " Who knows anymore?" "It'll be easier once you're settled in." "Have you picked out your quarters?" "I'm not staying. I'm going back to the Destiny to be an assistant counsellor." " You're a therapist?" " Why is everyone so surprised?" "It's just you're so young." "Why are you in such a hurry to leave?" "Why not get to know your old friends again?" "I don't want to force things." "People need time to get over losing Jadzia." "Besides Benjamin, you're the only one of Jadzia's friends who's not uncomfortable around me." "She and I were close, I don't see any reason why we shouldn't be." "Remember all those late night "tongo" games?" "Who could forget?" "Wait a minute." "You owe me ten slips of latinum from our last game!" "I don't think so." "I won with a full consortium." "I remember." " Your memory's playing tricks on you." " Don't say that. I'm already confused." "Look who's here." "I bet the two of you have a lot to talk about." "Come in." " Dax." " Are you alone?" "Why are you sneaking in this way?" "I didn't want to go through ops in case Worf was there." "We bumped into each other last night at Quark's." "It didn't go well, I take it?" "Were you expecting him to accept you right away?" "Of course not." "But he wouldn't even talk to me." "Perhaps he was just honouring your customs." "Joined Trills shouldn't get involved with previous hosts' spouses." "We can talk to each other." "Worf knows that." " Are you sure?" " Jadzia told him all about our traditions." "We discussed them." "They discussed them." "These pronouns are going to drive me crazy." "Look at him, Benjamin." "He's in pain." " How can you tell?" " l was his wife. I can tell." "I don't want to put him through any more heartache." "It's a good thing I'm going back to the Destiny." " You're still planning on leaving?" " l can't stay here." "I couldn't do that to him." "Besides, I think it might be easier for me on the Destiny." "There are too many memories here." "I'm going to miss you, old man." "I'm going to miss you too, Benjamin." "If you feel that strongly, you can be Crockett. I'll be Travis." " And who am I going to be again?" " General Santa Anna." "When can our costumes be ready?" "Garak?" "When can our holosuite costumes be ready?" "You'll have to find them elsewhere." "The shop's closed." " Still?" " lntelligence is keeping me busy." "What if we let you be Crockett?" "I don't have the time." "Do you know how long it takes to decode a Cardassian transmission?" "I invented some of the basic encryption protocols for the Obsidian Order but it still takes me days to decipher a simple sentence." " You've got to take a break sometime." " l will." "When the Dominion is driven off Cardassia." "Must you stand so close?" " That was a bit harsh." " l don't like people looming over me." "I have to get back to work." "Thank you for your company, gentlemen." "Ahem." "I can't...breathe." "Garak!" "Odo to the infirmary." "We have a medical emergency." "He had a claustrophobic attack in his shop." "I don't understand." "That's a good sized space." "I know. I've been claustrophobic for as long as I can remember, but it seems to have gotten worse." "Rooms that I once found completely tolerable now suddenly feel alarmingly cramped." "I wish I had an explanation but I don't." " He checks out fine." " Well, I don't feel fine." "Would you mind terribly if we continued this conversation on the Promenade?" " Better?" " A little." "I appreciate your situation but I'm not sure why you asked to see me." "I was hoping you'd express my regrets to intelligence." "My concentration isn't what it should be." "I won't be decoding any transmissions for a while." " When can they expect you back?" " l wish I could say." "I'm not happy about this either." "I want to see an end to this war just as much as you." "Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go hem some pants." "For some reason, sewing seems to calm me down." "Sewing?" "We can't afford to lose Mr Garak right now." "is there anything you can do for him?" "Our friend Garak needs his head examined." "Me?" "You want me to work with Garak?" " You're a counsellor, aren't you?" " l'm still in training." "What will you learn in the next few months that you haven't learned in the last 300 years?" "How to keep from breaking into tears, how to stop standing on my head." " Things like that." " Why are you standing on your head?" " Emony used to do it." " The gymnast?" " She found it relaxing." " Do you?" "Actually, it's giving me a headache." " Why can't Julian work with Garak?" " Julian's no counsellor, not even an assistant counsellor." "And he doesn't have eight lifetimes of experience." "I bet he doesn't stand on his head." "That's a good point." "Come on, old man." "You can do this." "All right. I'll try." "I just wish I had as much confidence in me as you do." " So what do you think?" " About what?" " About her." " Who?" " Dax." " Oh, Ezri." " She seems...nice." " Meaning what?" "Meaning...nice." "Oh, Doctor." "I know how you felt about Jadzia." " She's not Jadzia." " She's the next best thing." " So are you interested?" " You're the one who's interested." "You don't often get a second chance with a woman." " lt's not the same woman." " She's still Dax, isn't she?" " More or less." " That's good enough for me." "Ready for a little competition?" " You're insane." " And you...are going to lose." "Am I interrupting?" "Ah!" "You must be Ezri Dax." "The Captain said you'd be dropping by to counsel me." " ls that all right?" " lt depends on what it involves." " l'm a very private person." " l understand." "So is it helping?" "The sewing." "is it making you feel better?" " Thankfully, yes." " You're lucky." "Nothing helps me." " Are you claustrophobic, too?" " Why would you say that?" "You just said..." "No, I get spacesick." "Ever since I was joined." "I'm sensitive to motion." "I can feel the station spinning." "Really?" "It's because of Torias." "He was killed in a shuttle accident." " Why would that make you spacesick?" " l blame myself for what happened." " You were piloting?" " Yes." "No." "Depends on how you look at it." "Torias was my fifth host." "Did I say that?" " No." " Well, he was." "His death is staying with me because I can't forgive him for getting killed." "But you said it was an accident." "If he's not to blame, then you're not to blame, either." "I know." "But somehow I can't help but punish myself for it." " By getting spacesick." " Exactly." "Don't take this the wrong way, but it sounds like you're the one who needs to see a counsellor." "You're probably right." "But I didn't come here to talk about myself. I came to talk about you." "So you did." "Did anything traumatic happen to you when you were young?" "Something about being trapped in a confined space." "If I had been that careless, my father would have left me there." "Sounds like he was strict." "He didn't get to be head of the Obsidian Order without discipline." " Did he discipline you?" " He punished me when I misbehaved." " What father wouldn't?" " Tobin." " Who?" " My second host." "He could not bring himself to discipline his children." "But that's another story." " How did your father punish you?" " He'd lock me in a closet." "Why didn't you say that when I asked if you'd ever been trapped?" "I wasn't trapped. I knew he'd let me out when I learned my lesson." "Did you think you deserved to be locked in that closet?" "I could be very stubborn." "You blame yourself." "Just like I blame myself for that shuttle accident." "Maybe you get claustrophobic for the same reason that I get spacesick." "We're both punishing ourselves for things that weren't our fault." "That's it!" "Don't you see?" "We both have to let go of all this misplaced guilt." "And if we do, our problems will simply disappear?" "Not overnight but it's a step in the right direction." "I'll certainly give your advice some thought." "Me too." " Are you all right?" " l'm starting to feel a bit claustrophobic." "Probably because we've been talking about it." "I'm starting to feel a little spacesick." "If you don't mind, I think I'll go back to my sewing." " Good idea." " Thank you for stopping by." "My pleasure." "Hello, Worf." "Ensign." "Ensign?" "That's all you have to say to me?" "What more is there to say?" " l was your wife." " You are not Jadzia." "Jadzia died and went to "Sto-Vo-Kor." l do not know you." "Nor do I wish to." "Come in." "Dax?" "Could we adjust the inertial dampers so the station would spin slower?" "I don't know." "Why?" "Never mind." "To what do I owe the pleasure?" "I won't say I told you so, but Garak stopped by Odo's office to pick up the Cardassian transmissions for decoding." " Really?" " His claustrophobia is under control." " l guess our talk helped him." " l told you so." " You weren't going to say that." " l couldn't resist." "Are you all right?" "I talked with Worf." "He doesn't want to have anything to do with me." " Perhaps I should have a talk with him." " Absolutely not." " You intimidate him." " Me?" "Don't tell him I told you." "I intimidate Worf!" " You like that, don't you?" " Of course not." "Come on. I've been a man. I know." "We're not talking about me and Worf, we're talking about you and Worf." "I sympathise with what he's going through, but you have as much right to be here as he does." "What are you getting at, Benjamin?" "The war has certainly not been very good for morale around here." "I've been thinking the station could use a good counsellor." "I can't think of anyone better suited for the job." "Thanks for saying that." "But even if Worf wasn't an issue, I'm still just an assistant counsellor." "I talked to Starfleet Medical." "They'll waive the rest of your training and give you a commission as a full counsellor with the rank of lieutenant." "How did you talk them into that?" "I asked them what you'd learn in a few months..." "That I haven't already learned in the last 300 years." "They saw my point." "I hope you do, too." "It means a lot to me that you want me to stay." "But I can't." " Because of Worf?" " Mostly." "Well." "You just say the word, and I will intimidate him for you." "idanian spice pudding." "No, cancel that." "I'll have kilm steak, rare." "No, Tobin was a vegetarian." " Give me..." " Two Fanalian toddies." "Hot." " How did you know?" " Lucky guess." " Care to join me?" " Sure." "So...here we are." " What was that?" " What was what?" "That look." "This might be the last thing you want to hear, but you have Jadzia's eyes." "I'm sorry." "I shouldn't have said anything." " Don't flirt with me, Julian." "Please." " l'm not." " l remember you flirting with Jadzia." " lt was just an observation." "Good." "Because I'm not like her." "She knew how to handle it." " Actually, she quite enjoyed it." " Really?" "You didn't know?" "I always suspected." "You can be very charming." "You know what?" "If Worf hadn't come along, it would've been you." "You really miss her, don't you?" "Yes. I uh...suppose I always will." "But somehow, talking to you seems to help." " Deputy Talpet to Dr Bashir." " Go ahead." "We have a medical emergency in airlock 7. it's Garak." "I'm on my way." "Garak!" "What's he doing in there?" "Garak, open the door!" "Let me out!" "Let me out!" "Breathe in...and out." "In...and out." "Better?" "It's beautiful, isn't it?" "Look at that sky." "It just goes on and on." "But it doesn't. lt's an illusion." "There's a holosuite wall not ten metres in front of us." " But you can't see it." " l can feel it." " We could call up another program." " l humiliated myself back there." "I just wanted to get out." "I couldn't breathe." "If you were looking for fresh air, you were knocking on the wrong door." "I have to get this situation under control." "If I can't, I'll be forced to leave the station." "Where will I go?" "I can't go back to Cardassia." "I doubt I'd be welcome on Bajor." "You're not going to have to leave the station." "I'll tell Quark to make this holosuite available to you 26 hours a day." "Next time you feel like jumping out the nearest airlock, come here instead." "It's going to be all right." "We're going to get this under control." "I promise." "If you don't mind, I'd like to be alone for a while." "I'll check in on you later." "Aargh!" "Hold still." "I think I've got something." "I knew it." "Never get a tympanic tickle from an amateur." "Tympanic tickle?" "Never mind." "I don't want to know." "Hold still. I'm going to get you some antibiotics." " We need to talk." " About what?" "Do not toy with me, Doctor." "I know how you felt about Jadzia." " That was a long time ago." " l saw you with her." " Jadzia?" " You know who I'm talking about." " You've got it all wrong." " Stay away from her." "Now wait just a minute." "You have no right to tell me who I can be friends with." "If you dishonour Jadzia's memory, you will regret it." "That goes for you too, Ferengi." "What did I do?" "Garak?" "I thought you were staying in the holosuite." "I got tired of staring at a fake landscape, pretending." "No." "Work is the answer." "My father said people should throw themselves into their work." ""Do your chores, Elim." "I told you to do your chores."" "And if you didn't?" "What would he do to you?" "Please, don't start." "Spare me your insipid psychobabble." "I'm not a neurotic who feels sorry for himself because his daddy wasn't nice." "You couldn't begin to understand me." " l'd like to try." " l'm sure you would." "You'd love to pry into my personal affairs." "Well, I'm not interested in dissecting my childhood." "I want to save my people from the Dominion." "I don't need someone to hold my hand." "I want someone to help me get back to work." "And you, my dear, are not up to this task." "Look at you." "You're pathetic." "A confused child trying to live up to a legacy left by her predecessors." "You're not worthy of the name Dax." "I knew Jadzia." "She was vital, alive." "She owned herself." "And you." "You don't even know who you are." "How dare you presume to help me?" "You can't even help yourself." "Now get out of here before I say something unkind." " What's this all about?" " What does it look like?" " l'm resigning from Starfleet." " Why?" "Because I can't do my job." "Garak was right." "How can I help others when I can't help myself?" " This has been a hard time, old man..." " Don't call me that!" "I'm not the old man." " l'm not Curzon." "Or Jadzia." " No, you're Ezri." "Ezri Dax." "You've been given eight lifetimes' worth of experience." "I know this is confusing right now, but in time you'll see it's a wonderful gift." "It's a gift I don't deserve." "If that's the way you feel, then go back to Trill." "Talk to the Symbiosis Commission." "Convince them to take the symbiont out of you." "Removing the symbiont would kill me." "You know that." "Well, if you're leaving Starfleet, you'll have to find something to do." "Let's see." "Maybe you could become one of the people who take care of the symbiont pools." "It's quiet in those caves." "No one around." "No one expecting great things of you." "You could spend the rest of your life underground, in the dark, stirring mud." "80 or 90 years of that just might be what you need." "And as for Dax?" "That symbiont had eight amazing lives." "So what if the ninth was a waste?" "Stop it. I thought you of all people would understand." "I do understand." "And you were right." "You don't deserve the Dax symbiont." "Quite frankly, you don't deserve to wear that uniform." "I'll pass this on to Starfleet Command." "Dismissed." "Enter." " Oh, no." "Not again." " Compliments of Dr Bashir." " He sent you?" " No, that was my idea." "If you want to skip the drinking and get right down to the talking, I'm game." "What is it you wish to discuss?" "There's nothing going on between Julian and Ezri." " There's no reason to be jealous." " This is not jealousy!" "I know Dr Bashir cared for Jadzia but this woman is not Jadzia." "Treating her as if she were dishonours her memory." "Wrong." "Treating Ezri like a stranger dishonours Jadzia's memory." "It doesn't make any sense." "She is not Jadzia, yet she is." "How can I honour Jadzia's memory when she's not really dead?" "I don't have an answer for you, Worf." "But how do you think Jadzia would want you to treat Ezri?" " There is no way to know." " Yes, there is." "And the person who can tell you is the person you've been avoiding." "I didn't think you'd darken my doorstep again." "I just wanted to say I'm sorry." "I wish I'd been able to help you." "So do I." "You don't have to worry about me bothering you. I'm leaving." "Yes, I'd heard the Destiny was going to arrive tomorrow." "They're putting in for supplies." "But I won't be going with them." " l've decided to go back to Trill." " How nice for you." "Actually, the Destiny's joining the Seventh Fleet at Kalandra." " Kalandra?" " Those transmissions you decoded convinced Starfleet that it's a good place for a new offensive." "Yes." "The transmissions did indicate that it was somewhat vulnerable." "If the offensive goes well, Starfleet will have you to thank." "That's most gratifying." "I just thought you should know." " Are you all right?" " Of course." "That's very good news about Kalandra." "Let's hope it goes well." "The Cardassians will put up a strong fight." "Indeed they will." "But in the end, they'll lose." " How can you be so sure?" " They won't be expecting an attack." "They have no idea that I broke their code." "All those Cardassians are going to die because of me." " That's one way of looking at it." " What other way is there?" "By helping to end the war, you're saving lives." "What lives would I be saving?" "Human?" "Klingon?" "Romulan?" " And Cardassian." " No, not Cardassians." "They're going to fight to the bitter end." "Don't you understand?" "Don't you see?" "I wanted to believe I was helping my people, liberating them." "But all I've done is pave the way for their annihilation." "I'm a traitor!" "I've betrayed...every..." "Dax to lnfirmary. I need a medical team." " How are you feeling?" " l'm breathing much better now." "At least we found out what's been triggering these claustrophobic attacks." "When I agreed to help Starfleet, I was convinced it was the right thing to do." "I didn't allow myself to doubt it, even for an instant." "I never realised how much it was gnawing at me." "I suppose I was looking for a way out and the claustrophobia gave me an excuse to stop fighting my people." " What are you going to do?" " Get back to work." "What else can I do?" "The Dominion must be stopped." "Even if it means the destruction of Cardassia." "The Captain will be glad you're back on the job." "He has you to thank for it." "And so do I." "What about you?" "Are you still planning to go back to Trill?" "No. I'm going to stay in Starfleet." "I'm sure the Captain will be glad to hear that as well." "The Captain!" " What now?" " l want to be reinstated into Starfleet." "I can't send this to Starfleet Command." " Why not?" " l never submitted your resignation." "I had a feeling you didn't mean all those things you said." "You were just rattling my cage." "You've done it to me often enough." "I'm glad it worked." "Mr Garak has asked for the latest Cardassian transmissions." " Well done." " Thanks." "I thought you'd be happier that I was staying in Starfleet." "I'd be happier if you would stay here at DS9." "Me, too." "But you know I can't." "I hope Captain Raymer knows how lucky she is." "She's getting one hell of a counsellor." "Yes." " May I come in?" " Of course." "I understand that you are leaving in the morning." "That's right." "I am not certain that I have treated you the way Jadzia would have wanted." "You'll get no argument from me there." "I loved her with all my heart." "And she loved you." "Part of me is glad to know that she is not gone forever." "But in some ways it would be easier if she were." "I know." "I heard that the Captain offered you a position." "I..." "I would not want you to decline on my account." "Worf, I can't stay." "I couldn't do that to you." " Do you wish to stay?" " Very much." "Then do." "Jadzia would not have wanted you to leave because of me." "Thank you." "It will be a long time before I can accept what has happened." "Until then..." "You need your breathing room." "I understand." "Congratulations, Lieutenant." "Take a good look around." "You have just taken responsibility for the mental health of everyone here." "You have your work cut out for you." "I'm glad they made you a lieutenant." "I couldn't take advice from an ensign." "Since when did you take advice from anyone?" " Why don't you join us for dinner?" " l don't want to put you out." "Please come." "He just sits there and counts how many times I chew." "I'll be there." " She is cute." " She's also 300 years too old for you." "I took the liberty of putting a plate together for you." "Thanks, Quark." "Worf isn't here, is he?" "Good question." "Excuse me." "It's quite a nice turnout." "Congratulations." " l hope it isn't too crowded for you." " Not at all."