" Ally, can we get a recap?" " Remember the Kowolskis?" "They want to set a record by making Buffalo's largest cookie." " You have to wear this." " A hairnet?" "H.ealth Department." "Ifyou're around the cookie, you have to have it on." "Ijust did the hair." "The hairis perfect." "All right, give it to me." "God... why do you hate me?" "We're rolling." "And speed." "For three decades, the Kowolski Bakery has been a mainstay in downtown Buffalo, known for their sinfully sweet, cream-filled Polski pierogies and the occasional sugar-induced coma that follows." "Today, in honour of their 30th anniversary, they've invited us to ride along as they go for the record on Buffalo's biggest cookie." "Vol." "Do you need a tissue or something?" "Can we get Vol a tissue?" "Or a spoon?" "Good thing we're wearing these." "I wouldn't want any stray hairs to fall into the booger." " We doing this again?" " No." "We can cut to B roll." "Moving on!" "Tell me, Mama, why make Buffalo's biggest cookie?" "Well, man from Health Department say he find rat pellet in our pastry." "But I say no, is big chocolate sprinkle." "But he shut store down." "So we clean up, make big cookie for to bring customers back." "Well, I admire your candour." "Let's try that again, shall we?" "Tell me, Mama, why make Buffalo's biggest cookie?" "So the children of the neighbourhood will be happy." "It must be wonderful seeing the smiles on their little faces." "I work in back." "I see no smiles." "The previous record was 8 feet 7 inches, baked by Gladys Pelsnick." "If this cookie beats that, it will prove the Kowolskis have much more free time." "And the cookie is... 1 0 feet, 4 inches!" "We have a new record!" "Cue the cheesy inspirational music!" "But what are we really looking at here?" "Is it just a big cookie?" "Or does this cookie represent the pride of Buffalo?" "Its hard-working citizens the key ingredient - with a few nuts thrown in." "And finally, the love of our families, which provides the warm centre, making our beloved Buffalo the sweetest place to live." "And that's the way the cookie crumbles." "I'm Bruce Nolan, Eyewitness News." "And cut." "So what do you think?" "It's really good." "It sucks." "It's a story about a cookie." "The Pillsbury Doughboy would be riveted." "It made me laugh." "Nothing wrong with making people laugh." "I'll never be an anchorman." "The job's there, but I can't reach it." "Every time they make me do this kind of stuff I have to act like a goof." "I have no credibility." "Not good." " Now you just sound silly." " Forget it." "It's not important." "Let's watch it one more time." " No." " Once more?" "Please?" "No!" "You promised to help me with this photo album." "Now get your gooy butt over here." "Looking." "OK." "Just go through this stack and pick your favourites." "Come on." "This is fun, right?" "Isn't this fun?" "This is nice." "Evan's going to get that anchor job." " Bruce!" " He's the favourite." "You know what?" "Just forget it." "This is just our life." "We can always just have some kid do it for us." "Hold the phone." "I like this one." "Our weekend at the lake." "That's supposed to be in our private stash." " You look perky." "Must have been cold." " Give it to me." "I think I'll put this on my computer." " Give it to me." "Come on." " No!" "Fine." "Do with it what you will." "I don't care." " I will do with it what I will." " Jesus." "I might even send this in to Playboy." " Their layouts can be quite tasteful." " Give that to me right now!" " Rough stuff." " I'm going to hurt you." "Sweetie?" "Time to get up." "Good dream." "No." "The Buffalo Sabres lost again last night to the Toronto Maple Leafs." "Of course they did." "They're my team." "That's the way the cookie crumbles." "There might be something to this cookie line." "The greatest anchors have a signature sign-off." "Like Walter Cronkite." "And that's the way it was." "That's the way the cookie crumbles." "That's the way I like it" "Oh, no." " Grace, the dog!" " I'm in the shower!" "No, Sam." "Bad dog." "Inside, bad." "Outside, good." "You're done now." "Great." "B-E-A-utiful." "Come on." "Let's go back in and have a shit." " What is the dillio?" " We are having a blood drive." " Needles." "Yuck." " They need my blood." "I have a very rare blood type." "I'm AB positive." "Really?" "I'm IB positive." "I B positive they ain't touching me with no needle." "It's just so..." " Helpful and life-saving?" " No." "It's blood." "Blood is supposed to stay inside the body, where it's meant to be." "Besides, they stockpile this stuff in a warehouse, it's all on ice, and they say there's a shortage." "Where did you hear that?" "From a friend of a friend of a girl whose sister is going out with someone in the government." "For your protection, I cannot discuss it." "Now get out, before they see us together." "Here." "You need these more than I do." "What is "these"?" "Prayer beads." "The kids made them for me." " They will keep you safe." " I hope they're powerful." "I'm going to need a friggin' miracle to get to work on time." "This isn't happening." "Not now." "Not during sweeps week." "Oh, God." "Yup, meeting started without me." "This is my luck." "Come on." "Jesus." "Get out of there!" ""Are you blind?" No, but I'm late." "Is yourchild in direjeopardy?" "Find out tonight after the game." "Promos are approved." "Jack?" "Shouldn't we be focusing on Pete's retirement?" " This is his last week." " Any word on the anchor position?" "Evan, when I know something, you'll know something." "Sorry I'm late." "Traffic was..." "Did you already play the spots?" "Nice story, but we're going with Evan's piece." "The sex scandal in the mayor's office for sweeps." "Yeah." "Sweeps." "And that's the way the cookie crumbles." "I'm just messing with you, Bruce." "See, you just gotta remember that the newsroom is like a big cookie." "Do you like jazz, Evan?" "Let me play something for you." " I can hold that note all day." " Knock it off, guys." "We'll keep your story in reserve." "Can we get back to the board so we'll have something to put on the air today?" "Great choice, Jack." "The Cadillac of bolognas." "Jack, can I talk to you?" " Sure." "What do you need?" " Sweeps." "Jack, hear me out." "I'm starting to get desperate." "I'm pushing 40 and what have I got to show?" "I've hit a kind of ceiling." "There's an anti-Bruce barrier I can't get past." "And Evan is loving it." "He gets the stories, he gets on sweeps..." "I should be more like Evan." "Don't be like Evan." "Evan's an asshole." " I can be an asshole." " No, Bruce." "You can't." " You going to pick that up?" " Yeah." "I'm sorry." "This anchor thing opening up has got me nuts." " Hi, Susan." " Hi, Jack." "You're a good reporter." "You make people laugh." "All right." "I'll tell you what." "Today is the 1 56th anniversary of the Maid Of The Mist." " I want you in Niagara Falls in an hour." " The Maid Of The Mist is always live." " Evan always does the live feeds." " Now you and Evan get the live feeds." "I'm going live?" "During sweeps?" "Watch your step." "I've seen your outtakes." "Jack, you will not regret this." "And I won't forget you when I go national." "Can you...?" "Thanks, pal." "Can I have your wish now?" "I'll put it in the wish jar." "Put your wish in." " Me, too." " Put your wish in." "That looks like a big wish." "No, Martin, don't eat that." "Don't put that in your mouth." "That's paste, honey." " That must have tasted awful." " Mommy!" "Did you have a good time with Aunt Gracie today?" " See how nice this is?" "Baby on the hip." " It's amazing." "You've become Mom." "The transformation is complete." "I'll get it." " Small Wonders Day Care." " Grace?" "It's Debbie, the sister whose life you're notwasting." " OK." " Bye, Debbie!" "Hi." "Sorry." "Debbie forgot to take her meds today." "Where are you?" "A little place called the winner's circle." "I'm at the falls, doing a live report." "Live?" "That's great!" "Yeah!" "It's happening, hon." "I got sweeps and I'm live." "They're seeing if I can think on my feet." "Like I might have to do in a live anchor situation." "Oh, my gosh." "Yeah!" "Jack practically came out and told me." "Practically?" "He didn't spell it out." "Legally, he can't." "This is what happened to Susan Ortega before they bumped her up to the desk." "It's good." "Well, honey, I just don't want you to get too ahead of yourself." " Bruce." " I got to go!" " They're calling me in." " OK, honey." "Good luck." "I love you." "Let's do it." " They want you close to the falls." " I'm going to get soaked." "That's the point." "They want you to put this on." "Part of the condition of us getting the exclusive." "You know what?" "Nothing can bother me today." "Nothing." "Now remember, it's their 1 56th-year anniversary." "1 49 capacity." "They cater to tourists, honeymooners..." "And people who are insanely thirsty." "I get it." "You're going to interview Irene Dansfield." "Irene, a pleasure to meet you." "You look beautiful." "Irene's mother rode on the maiden voyage." " Rub that in my face!" " 90 seconds!" "Holy hell." "Because of the fast response, the chemicals were cleaned up without incident." "Susan?" "Bruce Nolan is at Niagara Falls." "But before we go live to Bruce, we have an announcement." "As everyone knows, after 33 years, our beloved Pete Fineman is retiring." "Pete's shoes are virtually impossible to fill, but the show must go on." "And we could think ofno one better than our very own Evan Baxter." "Oh, boy!" " Congratulations." " I'm thrilled and honoured." "As you said, no one can replace Pete, but I will do my best." "I am so proud to be a part of our local community of Buffalo." "I think, in a lot of ways, a great city is like a great recipe, really." "You take hard-working citizens, add some care-givers, maybe a few nuts!" "All sprinkled with the love and support of our good families." "Ultimately, that makes one sweet place to live." " That was amazing." " I wish I'd written something." "And now let's go live to that wacky Bruce Nolan at Niagara Falls." "Hey, wacky Bruce!" " Talk, Bruce." "Hello." " Talk, honey." " What's going on?" " A Walt Disney." " It's frozen solid." " Check the feed." "We may be having technical difficulty." " The feed's good, Jack." " Come on." " Talk, Bruce, damn it." " Get ready to pull the plug." "Come on, baby." "Say something!" "Bruce, talk." " Hi, Susan." " Thank you, God." "Bruce Nolan here, aboard the Maid Of The Mist in fabulous Niagara Falls, New York." "First, let me just add another congratulations to Evan Backstabber." "Pardon me, Bastard..." "Baxter." "It is good to see what someone with real talent can do when great opportunities are given to them instead of me." "Anyway, I'm here with Katharine Hepburn's mom." "Why did you throw the Heart of the Ocean jewel over the railing of the Titanic ?" "Did you feel bad letting Leo DiCaprio drown while you were safe floating on the door?" "Could you have taken turns?" "Or were you too afraid to freeze your big fat ass off?" "I guess that's how life is." "Some people are drenched, freezing on a stupid boat with a stupid hat, while others are in a news studio, sucking up the glory." "Oh, well." "No big deal." "The owner of the Maid Of The Mist." "Let's have a talk with him." "Come on in here, Bill." "No, let's have a talk." "What are you doing?" "You've been running the Maid Of The Mistfor 23 years." "Why do you think I didn't get anchor?" " I don't want any problems." " Is it my hair?" "Are my teeth not white enough?" "Or, like the great falls, is the bedrock of my life eroding beneath me?" "Eroding!" "Eroding!" " Cut the feed." "Go to black." " I'm on it." "I'm Bruce Nolan, for Eyewitness News." "Back to you, fuckers!" " Oh, boy." " Oh, my God." "That is perfect." "That is the motivation that I needed!" "Right there!" "Thank you!" "Thank you, WKBW." "Wimpy..." "Kitty Baby Whiners!" "That's what that stands for!" "I'll see you on Channel 5." "Where they do the real news!" "Do I look blind to you?" "Let's go, man." "Come on." "What are you doing?" "Come on." "Leave the poor guy alone!" "You OK, man?" "Yeah, you better keep walking." " What'd you say, ese ?" " Run, man!" "Run!" "Oh, God!" "OK, I didn't mean it!" " I was just kidding!" " Hey, you forgot your things." "Say something now!" "B-E-A... ..utiful." "That's what I get..." "That's what I get for trying to help someone." "Don't look at me, Walter." "Oh, no!" "That's my payment, I guess." "That is my reward." "Just?" "Just get a clue!" "Thank God you're all right." "God, yeah." "Let's thank God." "For his blessings are raining down upon me." " Wait!" "That's not rain!" " Bruce, please don't do that." "Everything happens for a reason." "That I don't need." "That is a cliché." "That is not helpful." ""A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush."" "I have no bird!" "No bush!" "God has taken my bird and my bush." "I see." "So God is picking on you?" "No!" "He's ignoring me completely." "He's busy giving Evan everything he wants." "Great, Sam." "But you missed your target." "I'm over here!" "Don't get mad at the dog." "It's not his fault." "It's God's fault." "He gave him the wrong co-ordinates." "Enough!" "Will you stop being such a martyr?" "I am not being a martyr!" "I'm a victim!" "God is a mean kid with a magniying glass, and I'm the ant." "He could fix my life if he wanted, but he'd rather burn off my feelers and watch me squirm." "Sweetheart, I know you're mad." "What Evan did was slimy and wrong." "This day could have been so much worse." "I'm just glad you're OK." "OK?" "News flash!" "I'm not OK." "I'm not OK with a mediocre job!" "Or a mediocre apartment!" "I'm not OK with a mediocre life!" "Is that what you think we have?" "A mediocre life?" "Don't make this about you." "About me?" "How could I make this about me?" "It's about you." "It's always about you." "Perfect." "I'll have the worst day of my life with a side order of guilt, please!" "OK, God." "You want me to talk to you?" "Then talk back." "Tell me what's going on." "What should I do?" "Give me a signal." "I need your guidance, Lord." "Please, send me a sign." "Oh, what's this joker doing now?" "OK." "All right." "I'll try it your way." "All right." "Lord..." "I need a miracle." "I'm desperate." "I need your help, Lord." "Please, reach into my life..." "What the...?" "Where are you?" "Got you!" "Fine!" "The gloves are off, pal!" "Come on!" "Let me see a little wrath!" "Smite me, O mighty smiter!" "You're the one who should be fired!" "The only one around here not doing his job is you!" "Answer me!" "Sorry." "Don't know you." "Wouldn't call you if I did." "Oh, God!" "Hello, 555 01 23." "Oh, no!" "Sam, this has got to stop!" "Get it straight." "That's the house." "This is the bathroom." "House, bathroom." "Bathroom, house." "What's the point?" "555 01 23." "Denied thatpromotion?" "ls life unfair?" "Is someone less talented than you reaping the benefits?" "Is yourname Bruce?" "Then do we have thejob foryou!" "We're located at 77256 23rd Street." "So come on down - or we'lljust keep beeping you." ""Omni Presents."" "Oh, yeah." "The glass is half-full." "Come on!" "Look!" "What is that?" "Thank you again." "What the...?" "You're looking for room 7." " Yeah, I figured." " Want me to even those up for you?" " How do I get to room 7?" " That'd be on the 7th floor." " Stairs are over there." " I'll take the elevator." " Out of order." " The stairs were my second choice." "Do you mind giving me a hand with this floor?" "What?" "That's good." "Are you serious?" "I'm kind of busy." "Rain check." "I'll hold you to it." "I'm free on the 7th at 7.00." "The 7th at 7.00 it is." "This looks promising." "Hello?" "Another hugantic, ginormic waste of my life." "Hello?" "I'm looking for whoever runs this joint!" "Be right with you." "I'm fixing a light." "Tell me if it's working." "Yeah." "Seems to be." " Kind of bright, though." " Yeah." "It is for most people." "Spend their lives in the dark, trying to hide from me." "The elevator's broken, huh?" "Yeah, but I'll get around to it." " You installed a clapper?" " No, but catchy jingle, isn't it?" "Clap on, clap off" "The clapper" "Just can't get it out of my head." "Well, good luck with that." " I'm going to go now." " OK." "But the boss will be right out." "You must be Bruce." "I've been expecting you." "This is hilarious." "You're the boss, electrician and janitor." "Must be a killer Christmas party." "Don't get drunk, though." "One of you might need a ride home." "You always were funny, Bruce." "Just like your father." "He didn't mind rolling up his sleeves either." "People underestimate the benefit of manual labour." "There's freedom in it." "Some of the happiest people smell to high heaven at the end of the day." "All right, what is this?" "How do you know my father and how did you get my number?" "I know a lot about you, Bruce." "Just about everything there is to know." "Everything you've ever said or done or thought about doing." "Right there in that file cabinet." " Wow!" "A whole drawer, just for me." " Yeah." "Mind if I take a look?" "It's your life." "This oughta be good." "This last entry was a little disturbing." ""The gloves are off, God."" ""God has taken my bird and my bush."" ""God is a mean kid with a magniying glass."" ""Smite me, O mighty smiter."" "I'm not much for blaspheming, but that last one made me laugh." "Are you spying on me?" "Who are you?" "I am the One." "Creator of the heavens and the earth." "Alpha and Omega." "I see where this is going." "Bruce..." "I am God." "Bingo!" "Yahtzee!" "Is that your final answer?" "Our survey says, "God!"" "It was nice to meet you, God." "Thanks for the Grand Canyon." "Good luck with the Apocalypse." "And by the way, you suck!" "It would have been more impressive if you hadn't used the cheesy file cabinet illusion." "Anybody with a brain stem can tell that drawer is being fed through the wall from the other side." "All you have to do is find the crease right around here." "There is a seam here, or a hollow spot." "Where?" "Through the dry wall and concrete?" "OK, that is a good one." " How many fingers am I holding up?" " Thou shalt not tempt the Lord." " If you can't do it..." " Three." "Two... four... nine." "Six... eight... one." "OK." "How many now?" "Seven." " How?" " You've been complaining about me." " I'm tired of it." " Don't come near me." "Seriously." "I don't want to hurt you, but I will out of instinct." "You haven't won a fight since grade 5, and that was against a girl." "But she was huge." "She'd been held back." "And the sun was in your eyes." "Ah, the ego." "Anyway, I brought you here to offer you a job." " A job?" "What job?" " My job." "You think you can do it better, so here's your chance." "When you leave this building, you will be endowed with all my powers." "Sure." "Whatever you say, pal." "OK." "That did not happen." "No one needs to hear about it." "I'm deleting the program." "No." "I'm having a breakdown." "Everyday psychotic episode, caused by a tumour, a brain lesion." "Come on." "Start!" "That was lucky." "Come on." "Calm down." "You did not meet God." "You do not have his powers." "If that was God, I'm Clint Eastwood." "Holy hell!" "Be careful what you wish for, punk." "Nope!" "I am a reasonable, sane human being." "With a .44" "Magnum." "The most powerful handgun in the..." "I'm not Clint Eastwood." "I'm Bruce Nolan." "I'm Bruce Nolan!" "That was not real." " Coffee?" " Coffee, yeah." "We have a special on soup today." " No, thank you." " It's tomato." "I made it myself." "OK." "Excuse me, I need a spoo-..." "It's OK." "I found one." "Here's your soup." "Oh, soup, right." "Yeah, right." "Having fun?" "Thy, thou..." "Come." "Take a closer walk with me." " Let me explain the rules." " Rules?" "You left in such a rush, I didn't get a chance to explain." "The two extra fingers freaked me out a little." "I figured I'd get your attention." "I did the same to Gandhi." "He didn't eat for three weeks." "Anyway, here's the deal." "You have all my powers." "Use them any way you choose." "There are two rules." "You can't tell anybody you're God." "Believe me, you don't want the attention." "And you can't mess with free will." " Can I ask why?" " Yes!" "You can!" "That's the beauty of it." " This is amazing." " Speaking of amazing, excuse me." "Holy sh-..." "Cow." "Since you're through with these, I'll keep them." "Might come in handy some day." "See you around, kid." " Where are you going?" " I'm... taking a vacation." "God doesn't take vacations." "Does he?" "Do... ye?" "Did you ever hear of the Dark Ages?" "I'm covered." "You can clear everything up in five minutes if you want." "Right?" "And he saw that it was good." "B-E-A-utiful!" "Check it out." "Look, it's the hero." " Whassup, homie?" " Yo, brethren, what up with thee?" " Blessings on your alley." " Want another can of whup ass?" " You didn't get enough?" " He wants some more!" "Surely, I say unto you dudes, I do not wish to fight." "So as soon as you apologise and make a reckoning of your transgressions," "I shall absolve you and continue along the path of righteousness." "What are you talking about?" "You talk kind of funny." "I don't know if you lost it up here or what." "You want me and the homies to apologise?" "Cool." "We'll apologise the day a monkey comes out of my butt." "How about that?" "What a coincidence!" "Because that's today." "Did that monkey just come out your crack?" "This is some voodoo shit!" "You guys leaving?" "Don't forget your parting gifts!" "Hey, little anal-dwelling butt monkey." "Time for you to go home." "I am Bruce Almighty." "My will be done!" "What if God was one of us" "Just a slob like one of us" "Just a stranger on a bus" "Trying to make his way" "Home" " My God." " Call me Bruce." "What happened to you?" "You seem so... happy." "Why shouldn't I be?" "On a night like this." "Those are amazing." "What are these?" "A new breed." "A cross-pollination between tulips and daisies." "I call them todayzees." "OK." "Honey, these flowers are beautiful." " But last night..." " Last night, I was only human." "Barry, help me out." "Honey?" "Hi." " I've never seen the moon that big." " Yeah." "We really shouldn't waste it." "Bedroom?" "Five minutes." "Let there be light." "I'll be out in a minute!" "Don't rush." "Sometimes anticipation can heighten the... pleasure!" "Oh, God." "It's a funny thing about pleasure." "It can be quite... pleasurable!" "Oh, my God." "Pleasuring, pleasurable." "Oh, good God!" "In international news:" "Japanese reliefworkers are staging an effort to rescue hundreds ofpeople stranded by a freak tidal wave that hit Kitamoto City." "Scientists say the tsunami may have been caused by what they are describing as unusual lunaractivity." "More on this as it develops." "Please bless my mommy, my daddy, and especially my little sister." "Please help me, Lord." "Please get me through this one." "Thank you foreverything else in my life." "Amen." "Good boy." "Forget something?" "Good boy!" "There are girls in the house." " Morning." " Good morning." " I made you grilled cheese." " My favi." " Honey, last night was..." " Heavenly." "I know." "I mean, I woke up and I felt like my boobs were bigger." " Do they look bigger to you?" " What?" "No." " Bigger?" " Oh, come on!" "Look at them." "Please." "They are definitely bigger." "I mean, look." "They feel huge to me." "I have to go." "But this has been the breast bek..." "Thank you." " Where are you going?" " To get my job back." "Yeah, yeah, I am great" "Good grief!" "ls that what I'm driving?" "Nice car, man." "Yeah, it gets me from A to B." "Darn." "All this horsepower and no room to gallop!" "Hi-yo, Silver." "Away!" "I wouldn't want to be a fugitive with Hank, Buffalo's number one police dog, on the job." "Phil Sidleman at the police canine training centre, Channel 5 News." "And cut it." "Look what the cat coughed up!" "Channel 7, right?" "You're the guy that went crazy." " I had a bad moment." " What are you doing here?" " Looking for a story." " No story here." "This pond is all fished out." "Pretty standard stuff, anyway." "My instinct tells me there's something more." "Well, go with that." "It served you well in the past, right?" "Hank found something!" "We got a body!" "Shit." "Get the camera!" "Now!" " It's locked!" "The keys are inside!" " I guess every dog has his day." " Kid, you want to make $1 0?" " Sure." " Know how to use one of these?" " Duh." "Seems to be in tune." "Let's do this." "The body of Jimmy Hoffa was uncovered in a field today outside a canine training centre in Buffalo, New York." " Bruce Nolan was first on the scene." " Thank you, Jane." "As you can see, the body is being carefully exhumed for transportation to a facility where DNA can confirm the identity." "That, however, merely a formality at this point, as the body was found with a birth certificate and dental records." "I'd call that a red-letter day for any canine unit." "But was that enough for Hank?" "No, siree." "Moments later, he busted a local news camera crew with 220 pounds of marijuana." "I never saw it before!" "I swear!" "I'm Bruce Nolan... and that's the way the cookie crumbles." "Did you like that?" "Thank you, thank you." " Hi, Bruce." " Hi, Susan." "Good work." "I'm impressed." " Did you need me for something?" " Bruce!" "Just the man I want to see." " Hoffa?" "What are the odds of that?" " What are the odds of that?" " Bruce, why don't you sit down?" " OK." "I'm going to be straight with you." "We want you back, Bruce." "But I want you to understand it was not my decision to let you go." " When the big guy gives the order..." " No harm, no foul." "I needed to reassess my goals and get in touch with my true self." " You did that in a day?" " Imagine what I could do with seven." "It is not in my power to give you anchor." "As far as field reporting goes, if you're looking for a bump..." "Let's cut the crap and get down to brass tacks." "I had you going." "Don't worry about it, my old friend." "Just give me a camera." "I'll give you the news." "My secret is that I let the jalapenos marinate in a spicy sauce for at least 24 hours before I stir it into the chilli." "Then I let it all come to a simmer." "Hold that thought." "It seems as if an asteroid or meteorite has just hit ground right outside the Mark Twain Chilli Cook-Off!" "This should certainly spice things up a bit!" "His stories are all over town." "From unearthing Hoffa" "..to a meteor crashing," "..Bruce Nolan is rapidly becoming known as..." "And that's the way the cookie crumbles!" "This was Bruce's idea?" "He wanted me to have a day of beauty and luxurious serenity." "I got to tell you, he is impressing me lately." "Know where he's taking me to dinner?" "Where?" "The Blue Palm?" " My gosh, I got chills." " I know." "He told me to prepare for the most memorable night of our lives." "Oh, my gosh." "He's going to propose." "Oh, stop it." "No." "He's..." " Really?" " Yeah, really." "Do the math." "He sends you all day to a beauty spa, he's taking you to a restaurant where you had your first date." "Hello!" "I never thought I'd say this, but Bruce is right." "This is your night." "Relax and enjoy it." "Oh, God." "Welcome to Eyewitness News at Six, with Susan Ortega," "Evan Baxter," "Fred Donohue, sports, Dallas Coleman, weather." "And now, Buffalo's numberone news team." "Welcome to Eyewitness News at Six." " I'm Susan Ortega." " I'm Evan Baxter." "Here's what's making news." "A potential scandal with the Buffalo PD surfaced today, when the mayor demanded that..." "When the mayor demanded the chief of..." "Issued a response to..." "I seem to have something stuck in my..." "Get him some water." "Looks like my new co-anchor may need water." "There we go." "Sorry." "In other news, the prime minister of Sweden visited Washington today, and my tiny little nipples went to France." "What did he say?" "Check the prompter." " The prompter's fine." " Evan, read the copy." "The copy's good." "Just read it." "The White House committee greeted the prime rib roast minister, and I do the cha-cha like a sissy girl." "I lika do... da cha-cha." "I'm sorry." "We seem to be having technical difficulties." "In other news..." "My apologies." "If I ruled the world" "Every day would be the first day of spring" "Every heart would have a new song to sing" "And we'd sing of the joy every morning would bring" "If I ruled the world" "Every man would be as free as a bird" " May I?" " Certainly." "It's perfect." "She'll love it." "We would treasure each day that occurs" "You know, I was going to wait until after the meal, but it'll burst out of me like an alien if I don't do it now." "Oh, my God." "OK." "This is it, isn't it?" "I don't know if I'm ready for this." "I mean, I'm ready." "I just didn't know if I would..." "I'm sorry, go on." " I didn't know it was so important to you." " Me neither." " Grace?" " Yes?" "I got anchor." "No." "Yes." "Apparently it wasn't working out with Evan, so he's going to finish out the week and I go live on Monday." " That's great, honey." " I know, I know." "Well..." " So that's what this is all about." " Well, yeah." "We got anchor." "Jack's throwing me a party at the Vanderbilt estate to celebrate." " What's the matter?" " Nothing." "Now I lay me down to sleep..." "I feel stupid." " It is loud in here, isn't it?" " No, it's not loud." "Jeez!" "Can you keep it down to a dull roar?" " Thank you!" " Is that supposed to be funny?" "Cos that is not funny." " What did you say?" " What is wrong with you?" "Stop yelling." "If you'll excuse me, I'll take a little trip to the..." "Ourfather, which art in heaven..." "The wine is going right through me." "I'm sorry." "I'm so sorry." " Keep going, Tony!" " Oh, God." "What is going on here?" "What is this?" "Give me a break!" "Really something, isn't it?" "Is this heaven?" "No, this is Mount Everest." "Flip on the Discovery Channel from time to time." "But I guess you can't now, being dead and all." " I'm dead?" " I'm just messing with you." "That's not funny, man!" "What about the voices in my head?" "ls that part of the hilarity?" "No, those are prayers." "You keep ignoring them, they're going to build up." "But it's just noise." "I can't understand them." "You're not listening, son." "Let's see." "You had my powers for a little over a week." "How many people have you helped?" "I took care of a few things." "I righted a few wrongs in my own life first." "OK?" "I was going to help the others." " I think I could help the world." " The world?" "That wasn't the world." "That was just Buffalo, between 57th and Commonwealth." "I didn't want to start you off with more than you could handle." "You took the job, Bruce, so I suggest you get to it." "Seeing him smile would make me so happy." "Prayers, prayers, OK." "This creepy whisper thing has to end." "Organisation." "That's what I need." "I need a system." "Something concrete." "Concentrate." "Files." "Let all prayers be organised into files." "That takes care of the voices." "Not exactly a space-saver, though." "Grace might notice." "I know." "Prayer Post-its!" "OK, I need something with a lock." "Security." "Combination." "A password." "A password." "Welcome to the revelation superhighway." "We bless, no mess." "Downloading now." "It's good." "This is going to take a while." "1 ,527,503 prayer requests?" "I better manifest some coffee." "Now that's fresh, mountain-grown coffee from the hills of Colombia." "Good." "OK, I had to have made some kind of a dent by now." "Oh, come on!" "What a bunch of whiners." "This is going to suck up my whole life." "You know what?" "Yes." "To all." "Yeah." "There you go." "Now everybody's happy." "I'll drink to that." "My tech stocks tripled in five days." "Know something, Joe?" "You seem taller." " I am." " My daughter pitched a no-hitter." "I lost 47 pounds on the Krispy Kreme diet." "There he is!" "The man of the hour!" "Bless you!" "Bless all of you!" "Be fruitful and..." "do long division or something!" "Try that." "It's an excellent year." "Bruce!" "Who do you like in the game tonight?" "I like the Sabres." "Coach prays a lot." "This is Bruce, Grace and Sam." "Leave a message." "Grace?" "Are you there?" "Hello?" "It's me." "Come on, Grace." "Come to the party." "I'll call you later, OK?" "Come on, Sam." "Help me out here." "Sam, don't." "Come on." " Tell me." " Ifl do, it might not come true." "What is ityou want, Mary?" "You want the moon?" "Say the word and I'll throw a lasso around it andpull it down." "H.ey, that's a pretty good idea." "I'll give you the moon, Mary." "I'll take it." " Then what?" " Then you could swallow it." "And it'd all dissolve." "Moonbeams would shoot out ofyourfingers and toes and the ends ofyourhair." "This is Bruce, Grace and Sam." "Hi, Bruce." "What are you doing in here all alone?" "Oh, I was just going to..." "I mean..." "I was going to give Grace a call." "Yeah, I didn't see her." "So how are you and Grace doing?" "Well, actually, we had a bit of a fight." "Kind of." "I'm not sure if she's..." "You're on fire, Bruce." "Some women can't handle fire." "Some can." "That's interesting, cos I never thought we would ever talk..." "You might want to stop touching me now." "Grace, come here!" "This is weird." "I was just calling you." "And you thought Susan's mouth was the phone?" "She kissed me." "I'm the kissee." "You were putting up a big fight." "I tried to stop her, but she's really strong." "OK, I screwed up." "Can I make it up to you?" "Yeah." "Why don't you get me a boat?" " What?" " A big boat." "And maybe two big bags of cash." "Then, then, I'll be happy." "Lots of money and lots of stuff!" "People want crap like getting married or having babies with the man they love." "But not me, Bruce." "Just give me the boat." "No wonder you stayed single!" " Don't do this." " I'm not doing this." "I'm undoing it." "I'll be at Debbie's." "Take care of Sam until I make arrangements." "You can't leave me." "I'm the Alpha, lady!" "I'm the Omega, baby!" "Fine!" "I don't need you!" "What's the matter, Bruce?" "She can't handle a little competition?" "Game's been called on account of rain." "An unusually high numberoflottery winners has officials concerned." "So far, 1, 100 winning tickets have been turned in, all, strangely, from the Buffalo area." "More on this story as it develops." "Enjoying your party?" "Nothing like spending quality time with great friends." " Grace left me." " Yeah, I know." "She'll take me back." " She'll take me back, right?" " Would you take you back?" "How do you make somebody love you without affecting free will?" "Welcome to my world, son." "You come up with an answer to that one, you let me know." "Rise and shine, Buffalo." "It's 70 and sunny and the perfect day to forgive Bruce." "I don't know much" "But I know I love you" " Bye." " Have fun." " Hi." "Can I get a small coffee to go?" " Sure, hon." "Just a sec." "K-Tel Records brings you the 100 greatest love songs ofall time." "You'll hearsuch classics as "All You Need ls Bruce"," ""If You Can't Be With The One You Love, Then Love Bruce"," ""Do That To Bruce One More Time"." "Who can forget that classic," ""Bruce So H.orny (H.e Love You Long Time)"?" "Order today and we'll throw in at no extra charge the video "Sweatin' To Bruce"." "Just dial 1-900-FORGIVE H.IM." "That's 1-900-FORGIVE H.IM. Do it now." "No, no!" "Please don't put that in your mouth." "That's not food." "Go to the bathroom." "Wash out your mouth." "Wash off your hands." "That kid is gonna poop an ornament." "One more time, you're going to be in a lot of trouble." "All right, that's it!" "I surrender!" "Hi." "I'm... doing my first anchor tonight." "Oh, wow." "That's great!" " How have you been doing?" " Good." " Debbie won the lottery." " Oh, yeah?" "You're kidding." "But so did 400,000 other people, so she only won like $1 7 or something." "I miss you." "I took a first step." "Jumped out on a ledge." " Feeling vulnerable." " What do you want me to say?" "Say you want me back." "What about all the signs?" "How did you know about that?" "Did you talk to Debbie?" "Would it help if I just said I was a complete ass?" " You said ass!" " It's OK if I'm talking about a donkey." "I didn't say "hole"." "If I said ass..." "No, wait." "OK, honey, let's go inside." "All right, everybody inside." "Time to go inside." "Please." "None of this seems right without you." "I gotta go." "Wait!" "How do you feel now?" "Have you completely lost your mind?" " Are you drunk?" " Yeah." "Drunk with power." "Love me." "I did." "Yeah, I know." "Free will." "More poweroutages reported today caused by last week's meteorite strike." "Officials are trying to repair transformers damaged by the ensuing electrical surge." "The scene nearly turned violent when Buffalo residents protested last week's lottery results." "Doomsayers are pointing to last week's strange celestial events as signs thatprophecy is being fulfilled and the world may be coming to an end." "The world's gone mad." " 30 seconds to air." " OK." "There you are." "It's your debut." "How are you feeling?" "You know what?" "I'm fine." "Never better." "The show must go on right?" "The Sabres just won the Stanley Cup." " You're kidding me!" "Was that tonight?" "That's great." "It's crazy out there." "We're going to kick live to Fred at the stadium, OK?" " Five seconds to the open." " This is it." " You ready?" " Born that way." "Welcome to Eyewitness News at Six, with Susan Ortega, Bruce Nolan," "Fred Donohue, sports, Dallas Coleman, weather." "Now Buffalo's numberone news team." " I'm Susan Ortega." " I'm Bruce Nolan." "And here's what's making news." " What happened?" " We lost power." " Transformer's down again." " Jeez." "Ever since that damn meteorite hit." " We're back." " We apologise for the interruption." " Back to the news." "Bruce?" " Thank you." "I'm sorry." "We're going live to HSBC Arena, where the Buffalo Sabres have won the Stanley Cup." " Great." " Fred?" "We're about to uncork some champagne because the Sabres have won their first championship in 22 years!" "What in blazes..." "We'll be back with the Sabres' victory in just a hot second." "In other news..." " Bloody hell!" " What is it now?" " The whole booth is down." " It's not!" "In other news, fighting erupted in the Gaza Strip today, as Israelis and Palestinians..." " Bruce." " What?" "We've got a situation here." "They're rioting right outside." " You're kidding." " The whole town has gone crazy." "Go on, Bruce." "Say something." "Ladies and gentlemen, this just in." "Possibly the biggest breaking news story this town has ever seen." "And I gotta go." "Sorry, Jack." "Susan, it's all yours." "Sabres!" "Sabres rule!" "Down with the lottery!" "Repent!" "The end is near!" "The lottery sucks!" "I only won 1 7 bucks!" "Channel 7 lies!" "Oh, no!" "God!" "God?" "Are you here?" "Hello?" "I need your help!" "Clap on!" "Figures!" "Well, hello there, Bruce Almighty." "Not as easy as it looks, is it, son?" "This God business." "They're all out of control." "It's me." "I don't know what to do." "Well, you're right on time." "Seven o'clock." "The 7th at 7.00." "All righty, then." " There we are." " It's good." "It's a wonderful thing." "No matter how filthy something gets, you can always clean it right up." "There were so many." "I just gave them all what they wanted." "Yeah." "But since when does anyone have a clue about what they want?" "So what do I do?" "Parting your soup is not a miracle." "It's a magic trick." "A single mom who's working two jobs and still finds time to take her kid to soccer practice, that's a miracle." "A teenager who says no to drugs and yes to an education, that's a miracle." "People want me to do everything for them." "What they don't realise is they have the power." "You want to see a miracle, son?" "Be the miracle." "Wait." "Are you leaving?" "Yeah." "I figure you can handle things now." "But what if I need you?" "What if I have questions?" "That's your problem, Bruce." "That's everybody's problem." "You keep looking up." "Orderhas been restored after this evening's downtown riot." "State officials have suspended all lottery sales pending furtherinvestigation." "No injuries were reported in the melee, however there were dozens ofarrests." "OK." " Thanks a million." " Not a problem." "God bless." "Bruce giveth and Bruce... taketh away." "If you don't like it... mega-bite me." " Evan?" " Bruce." "I suppose you're here to gloat about the anchor position." "Go ahead." "Well, actually, I..." "I just came to tell you that I've been a royal prick." "The anchor position is yours." "I turned down the job." "And I never really congratulated you." "Congratulations." "Thanks, Bruce." "In the financial world, things are back to normal in what analysts are calling a fluke market fluctuation." " You made the right move." " What about you?" "You ready to go back out there?" "Do the cutesy stuff?" "The lighter side of the news?" "Lower and debase myself for the amusement of strangers?" "Yeah, I could do that." "Sounds like fun." "Good." "OK, Sammy, let's do it right." "Like all the other dogs." "I don't want to make you feel bad, but they're laughing at you, pal." "Come on." "Concentrate." "Pump it out, if you have to." "What am I going to do with you?" "I know this seems kind of crazy, but desperate times call for desperate measures." "OK, Sammy." "Do your thing." "That's it." "Good boy!" "Training my dog." "Yes!" "We did it!" "We're doing it doggy style" "I'll alert Penthouse Forum." "Hi, Deb." "How are you?" "How's Grace?" "I didn't come to chat." "I came for Grace's stuff." " You need a...?" " That's OK." "I've got it." "I don't know if she..." "I don't know if she wants that or not." "This is full." "You did all this?" "You know what I do before I go to bed?" "I tuck my kids in, maybe have some ice cream and watch Conan." "Know what Grace does?" "She prays." "Most of the time for you." "Find Grace Connelly." "The woman does pray a lot." "Find..." "Grace and Bruce." ""Dear God, please help Bruce find himself, find contentment, find you."" ""Dear God, please help Bruce." "He seems to be struggling."" ""Dear God, give Bruce strength."" ""Dear God, bless Bruce."" "It's her." "Sammy, she's logging on." "She's praying right now." "Please, God." "Please." "I still love him." "But I don't want to love him any more." "I don't want to hurt any more." "Please." "Help me forget." "Please help me to let it go." "Please help me let him go." "You win!" "I'm done!" "Please!" "I don't want to do this any more!" "I don't want to be God." "I want you to decide what's right for me!" "I surrender to your will!" "Am I...?" "You can't kneel down in the middle of a highway and live to talk about it." "But why?" "Why now?" "Bruce... you have the divine spark." "You have the gift for bringing joy and laughter to the world." "I know." "I created you." " Quit bragging." " See?" "That's what I'm talking about." "That's the spark." "What do you want me to do?" "I want you to pray, son." "Go ahead." "Use them." "Lord, feed the hungry." "And bring peace to... all of mankind." " How's that?" " Great." "If you want to be Miss America." "Now, come on." "What do you really care about?" "Grace." "You want her back?" "No." "I want her to be happy." "No matter what that means." "I want her to find someone who'll treat her with all the love she deserved from me." "I want her to meet someone" "who'll see her always as I do now." "Through your eyes." " Now that's a prayer." " Yeah?" "Yeah." "It's good." "I'm going to get right on it." "Clear!" "That didn't feel very good." " Got a rhythm." " I got a pulse." " Let's get him up." " Get the backboard and brace." "Welcome back." "You're lucky to be alive, son." "Someone up there must like you." "I hear all that stuff winds up in a warehouse somewhere." "Hi, baby." "Oh, my God, look at you." " I was such an idiot." " It's OK." "I don't know what I would have done." "Oh, God." "I swear I wanted to be mad at you forever." "Now you're just showing off." "This is Bruce Nolan here at Buffalo's first "Be the Miracle" blood drive." "It's a B-E-A-utiful day." "So come on down, because the life you save could be mine." "Let's go over here." "The Kowolskis have baked a cookie just for this occasion." "Sure it's a creepy and a shameless plug, but we love 'em." "Thank you, Mama." "Vol - finger, nose." "I will have given blood twice this week." "For those of you who haven't heard," "I'd like to introduce you to the future Mrs Exclusive." "Grace Connelly." "There she is." "Look at her!" "lsn't she beautiful?" "She just gave blood and she still has enough left to fill up her face." "Yes, behind every great man, there's a woman rolling her eyes, folks." "I'm Bruce Nolan for Eyewitness News reminding you to..." "Be the miracle!" "You heard 'em." " OK, cut it." "Thank you, Bruce." " Thanks, Ally." " How was that?" " Great." "That was really great." "Now go over there." "The nurse is waiting." " Do I have to?" " Oh, it's not going to hurt." "In fact, I think you'll find it pleasurable." "Baby." "Who can take a rainbow, wrap it in a sock" "Soak it in the sun and make a groovy lemon pie?" "Oh, Jesus." "I'm sorry." "I'm a very rare blood type." "I'm AB positive." "Sounds delicious." "Well, there are storehouses all over the world with tons of stuff on ice, and..." " Sorry." " You were like this." "Sorry, go on." "Positive, IB positive..." "Sorry." "I have a rary..." "She has a rary!" "I have a very rare blood type." "I'm AB negative." " I'm IB positive." " Am I AB negative?" "I don't know what you are any more." "I'm going to need a frickin' miracle to get to work on time." "That'll work." "Other stories in the..." "The prime minister of Sweden visited Washington today, and in other..." "In other..." "In other news..." "I'm Bruce Nolan for Eyewitness No..." "Eyewitness Nose." "And clear!" "Be the miracle!" "That's right!"