"[Music playing]" "[Music playing]" "Good evening, Herr Doctor." "Care to join me for a drink?" "I would not stoop so low as to drink" "With you, Count Bloodspit." "You know what I find funny about virgins, Herr Doctor?" "At first, they don't go down so well, but after a while," "The swallowing becomes easy." "The difference between you and me, Herr Count," "Is while you find evil amusing, I find it diabolical!" "Oh, Doctor." "You were always so negative." "Why must you always be so party pooper?" "I think, Count Bloodsplit, I will be the one" "Having the party tonight." "Again, with the stake!" "Goodbye." "[Thunder booming]" "Oh, he won't get far." "He's not as young as he used to be." "[Music playing]" "Ah, Doctor." "You would've been here much earlier in your younger days." "Oh, Count, in your earlier days," "You would have been in Paris by now." "Eh." "Paris is so boring, Herr Doctor, not like your mother." "My mother?" "You know what I like about werewolves, Herr Doctor?" "You can cut off their heads and they'll" "Grow back in five minutes." "Pity your mother wasn't a werewolf." "That's it!" "I will end this evil now." "[Theremin playing]" "[Groaning]" "What you mortals do not understand, Herr Doctor," "Is that you are not match for my superior super natural powers." "Thank you." "However, if you did want to defeat me," "You would have to take the crest from my coffin" "And stop me going back into the mirror world to regenerate," "But that's not going to happen now, is it, Herr Doctor?" "By the way, how do you like your steak?" "[Blood squashing]" "[Music playing]" "I don't think we will ever find Count Blaughspich, Doctor." "How many times have I told you not to use this name?" "It is Blaughspich!" "He sucks the blood from people and spits" "Them out like an animal!" "He's not to be referred to by his real name!" "But he has disappeared, Doctor." "He has vanished into the night like..." "like those wretched" "Souls that he has demonized." "Like... go on!" "Say it!" "Like... you know, like..." "Like my mother!" "Yes." "Yes, yes." "First he takes my legs, then he takes my mother!" "She loved that man." "He was her boyfriend!" "No, no, Mr. Hansome." "He will not be far." "He cannot go back into the mirror world without this crest" "That we took from his coffin." "We desecrated his coffin." "He must have this crest to get back to the mirror world!" "The mirror world?" "I do not understand, Doctor." "The mirror world is where all the vampires come from." "That is why they cannot see their reflection" "In the mirrors!" "I would like to see the mirror world, Doctor." "Oh." "Would you like to see bad breasts, fleshy thighs," "Und girly front bottoms?" "Yes." "Then so be it!" "We will go into the mirror world, Mr. Hansome!" "[Chanting]" "[Lighting cracking]" "[Music playing]" "[Cheerful music]" "[Knocking on door]" "The door!" "Come in!" "Herr Doctor!" "Yes, yes." "What is it, inspector?" "It's the Burgermeister's daughter." "Oh, that whingeing bitch!" "What does she want now?" "No." "The other one." "Oh, it's the virgin?" "Oh, I'll be right there." "First, Doctor, I beg of you, please, some medicine." "Oh, yes." "I was just preparing your take-aways." "[Music playing]" "How long has she been like this, Herr Burgermeister!" "The bees!" "They fucked me with their sharp little cocks!" "Daddy Daddy, I need stinky." "Aw!" "Please, Doctor." "Help her." "Please, help her." "Like the filthy bee, I have fucked flowers of nature, too." "The daffodil and the tulip." "The daisy and the rosebud." "And I have learned that the cock of man cannot fuck with nature." "Yes!" "We must take her temperature, Herr Burgermeister." "Mr. Hansome?" "Thank you." "[Moaning]" "Are you sure that is the way?" "It seems unorthodox to me, Herr Doctor." "Well, hands up anyone else who went to medical school" "In Hamburg!" "Otto!" "Come back, Otto!" "Otto?" "The mark of the vampire!" "Surely, you don't believe in vampires." "The wolfman, maybe." "The Frankenstein, of course." "But vampires?" "I don't know what to believe in anymore, Herr Burgermeister." "But there is one thing I do believe me in, vampires!" "[Music playing]" "[Lighting cracking]" "Do you know what she did, your cunty daughter?" "[Bat screeching]" "Take something warm with you!" "Fuck me, I have seen better heads" "At a zombie urine convention!" "Sure Right." "As we all know, the Count has had his coffin desecrated" "And is suffering from insomnia, which makes" "Him one very grumpy crocodile." "Now I don't want any of you, shitheads," "Annoying him in anyway, or it will" "Be night of the headless vampires around here." "[Groaning]" "What the fuck are you doing, lad?" "I got naughty secrets." "When it comes to dick licking, you're an idiot savant!" "I hope you all haven't packed your bags because the way" "You've been behaving, you won't be coming" "Back with a [inaudible] will!" "Yes." "What's... what's under your dress?" "It's not a fucking dress!" "And if you have to know, I'm free pushing!" "That's right, lassie." "Six hundred year old ginger pubes" "Matted together with dried, Scottish ball sweat." "And if that doesn't make your fur burger weep, nothing will." "[Theremin playing]" "Master?" "Did you sleep well?" "You... what are you doing here?" "When [inaudible] the body, mopped the coffin and ran" "Round the castle into the trees." "Enough!" "I don't like werewolves." "They are a lower breed." "They are dirty, smelly creatures." "The only thing we have in common with them" "Is our love for the full moon." "Why do you think that is, huh?" "My mommy has six titties." "That's it!" "Someone has go to go!" "I nominate Rufus because he always hides in the toilet bowl" "And tries to drink my girly lemonade." "I nominate Dorian because he's [inaudible] crawled down" "My puppy hole and laid eggs in it." "[Inaudible] the next day, there was millions" "Of buggers about his groan..." "[Whimpering]" "I nominate Rufus because he's got bottom rabies" "And he chewed up that... the good book, "Big Boobied Homegirls.'"" "Just open the fucking thing." "It's time to go Rufus." "[Scottish bagpipes playing]" "Who wants hot chocolate with marshmallows?" "Ja!" "Yeah!" "We must hurry, Mr. Hansome." "If there's any chance of saving the Burgermeister's daughter," "We must catch her before sun up!" "It would be faster, Doctor, if we took the hand break off." "The break never comes off!" "[Music playing]" "[Bell ringing]" "Cleaning the toilet." "When you clean the toilet, you must remember" "To clean in an anti-clockwise direction," "Ensuring that you get all of the poo poos off of the bowl" "And leaving behind very a large quantity of smelly ammonia." "What to do if there is dick dribble on the rim of the bowl." "Cut off dick." "Ah!" "So you are the new maid?" "Yes, Countess." "I have been here 120 years, come January." "You know Otto killed the last maid we had." "She was my maid!" "I don't like maids." "They go through my things and steal all my clothes." "It wasn't me, it was Dorian, I swear!" "I bet your wearing my underwear, you naught maid." "No." "No, Countess!" "On your stomach!" "No!" "No, Countess!" "Please, don't look at mt fat ass!" "Please, it's too big!" "You know what happens to maids who steal my underwear?" "No!" "Don't expose my shame!" "Oh, I see what you mean." "You dirty, dirty maid!" "Dirty, dirty maid!" "Dirty!" "Dirty, dirty maid!" "Dirty maid!" "Dirty, dirty maid!" "Dirty!" "[Groaning]" "Is my ass wobbling?" "What's wrong, Master?" "I'm dying." "I'm sick." "I'm sick, too, Master." "I was talking physically." "Is this about the mirror world, Count?" "Yes." "I need to go back into the mirror world to regenerate." "Don't go!" "To become young again." "Like puppies." "Tell us about the mirror world." "Please?" "There's flesh." "Oh!" "Naked flesh?" "There's naked titties!" "Oh!" "Dirty!" " And pussy!" " Oh!" "Stinky!" "That's nice." "Stinky!" "He's scaring me." "Shut up, doggie." "Little doggie!" "[Whimpering]" "Tell... tell us more about the mirror world." "[Cheerful music]" "More!" "Please!" "[Groaning]" "He blessed me with tummy cum!" "[Gurgling]" "Count?" "Tell me... tell me again about the mirror world." "Nothing you need to know about." "[Choking]" "Master?" "Your sister is awake." "Fuck!" "And I'm not cleaning that up." "I'll clean it up." "[Slurping]" "[Music playing]" "(SINGING) Itsy bitsy spider went up the water spout." "Down came the rain and washed the spider out." "Out came the sun and dried up all the rain and itsy bitsy" "Spider never came out again." "Come in!" "Come in!" "Come in!" "Come in, you're..." "You're breaking up!" "You're breaking up!" "Come in!" "[Radio static]" "In transmission." "Wake up, Doctor!" "Wake up, Doctor!" "No, master, no!" "[Panting]" "Where am I?" "You missed it!" "You missed it!" "Missed what?" "[Ice cream truck music]" "When you fell over, Doctor, I carried you up the stairs" "And I noticed there was some people in the bushes." "They were fondling each other." "At first, I did not want to see... want to look at them," "But I was drawn to their sick love!" "It reminded me of my school days." "I didn't know you went to school, Mr. Hansome." "Yes, I won a javelin throwing scholarship." "And while I was there, I had a liaison with a older woman." "I don't think I can go again, Bedelia." "10 times is enough." "Oh." "But I think I can make you go again, my dear." "[Circus music]" "Now I'm ready!" "Enough, Mr. Hansome!" "We must continue." "By now, the Count will have surrounded" "Himself with intelligent killers that will stop nothing!" "We must go!" "Now!" "[Crow squawking]" "[Music playing]" "Ah!" "You're awake, my dear." "My, my, Otto." "Aren't we looking handsome?" "You look so juicy, my dear." "How long have I been asleep, Otto?" "Oh, 200 years, or so." "200 years!" "But you looked so beautiful asleep, my dear!" "You had that dead quality about you." "And where is my handmaiden?" "She uh... she met with an unsavory accident, my dear." "[Hissing]" "Give me what I need, Otto!" "[Music playing]" "Give me what I need, Otto!" "Otto, give me what I need!" "Give it to me!" "Darling, give me what I need!" "[Music playing]" "But why are we here, Doctor?" "The Count is no ordinary vampire." "No ordinary?" "No." "We need help to fulfill my quest to kill the Count." "How will we be killing him?" "We must seek advice from my old school professor." "I'd like to meet the old..." "No!" "He does not like strangers." "I must go in by myself." "Otto?" "Wake up, darling!" "Otto?" "Otto, I want to play." "Wake up!" "What!" "What are you doing?" "I want to play, darling." "I'm busy." "What are you doing?" "I'm thinking!" "Otto, you took my handmaid and I need" "Somebody else to play with." "Dorian!" "So, darling, can you tell me what my dear brother has been" "Up to while I've been asleep." "Well, he made a monster, and it played mommy bounce with me," "And then it's thing fell off, and it died." "Oh, poor baby." "But the Count blamed me." "And he beat me with a stick." "But that's not the worst of it." "He's been flesh worshipping, and playing with cheerleaders," "And he squandered the family fortune." "The Doctor's been chasing the Count," "And destroyed the Count's coffin," "And now he can't be resurrected." "Now... now he must go back into the mirror world." "Interesting." "But I must say, your flesh is very soft." "And your legs!" "Your legs are like highways to heaven." "The gates of heaven." "Little doors, little doors!" "Open up little doors!" "Let Dorian in!" "Is it clockwise, or anti-clockwise?" "Hmmm." "DORIAN:" "No, Countess!" "I'm sorry, Countess." "I didn't mean to touch your stick stuff." "You mean my cunt." "You think I'd let a peasant like you fuck me?" "[Drill spinning]" "I do the fucking around here." "[Drill spinning]" "No, Countess!" "No!" "[Drill spinning]" "No, Countess!" "No!" "Countess!" "[Drill spinning]" "[Screaming]" "[Music playing]" "How long will the professor be?" "The professor won't be long, Doctor." "Good." "I had a patient, a man in wheels." "Good." "Good." "I used to have to loofah his body." "Good." "I think it's essential." "Only, he had a rather stinky little doctor." "No." "When I was in medical school with the professor," "We specialized in organs." "We were the envy of all of Hamburg." "For a time." "Do you like my organs?" "Well..." "Doctor?" "Indeed, but only from a mental standpoint, of course." "Lovely blanket you have there, Doctor." "My mother knitted this blanket." "She knitted it from the wool from my pet lamb, Herman." "Herman?" "And what happened top to little Herman, Doctor?" "Well, very sad." "Herman... we had to eat Herman for Christmas." "We were very poor, my mother and I." "Did you eat even the organs?" "There was some potatoes, too, I think." "Potatoes?" "Yes." "Doctor." "Yes?" "Getting a little hot, are we, Doctor?" "Well, I am a professional." "I'm used to..." "[Groaning]" "Would you like some of my organs, Doctor?" "[Coughing]" "It's getting rather hot in here." "Yes!" "Yes!" "Oh!" "Professor, the Doctor's here to see you." "What are you doing here?" "I was..." "I was your..." "Your favorite pupil" "In medical school in Hamburg." "Doctor..." "Uh, yes!" "My... we... we were both thrown at the same time." "Oh, yes." "Oh, of course." "Well, I remember." "I was... you were there?" "Yes, of course." "Of course." "We... we were the ones..." "In the early... in the early days of the great experiment." "It would have changed the world, if they only" "Had let us, Herr Professor." "Ah, yes." "What a great challenge to our intelligence." "What a great leap forward from the syphilis to the phallus." "The phallus and the syphilis." "The... the... the putting the brain in the penis." "But anyway, yes." "But I..." "Of course, I have continued with my experiments." "I can see you're very busy, Professor." "In fact, I have done something to myself," "Which anyone could do in the privacy of their home!" "What's that?" "I have inserted a brain into my scrotum!" "Of course!" " Of course!" " That's..." "Why didn't we think of that before?" "Genius, Herr Professor." "Genius." "I have to work." "You know, I am a very busy man." "What do you want?" "Oh, yes." "Yes." "Uh..." "I am here for your advice." "You need help?" "I can see you need help!" "Nurse Balloon!" "Bring some legs!" "We will have you walking in no time!" "Nurse Balloons!" "Nurse!" "Where is that woman?" "Nurse?" "Ah!" "Yes, Professor?" "Nurse, we... we need some legs for the Doctor." "No, no." "No, Herr Professor." "It is not... it's not the legs." "You see these?" "You know what they're full of?" "Brains!" "Yes." "Oh!" "Thank you, Professor." "Oh, yes." "Don't mention it." "Oh, you can mention it." "Yes, so?" "Oh, yes." "The evil... the evil Count Von Blaughspich," "He... he's a vampire, Herr Professor." "A vampire?" "A vampire, yes!" "Yes!" "A blood sucking freak!" "I have the ancient text." "Oh, please." "Please, help me!" "It should have something of the story of this evil, wicked," "And very nasty, nasty monsters." "But what is needed, is surprise with this wooden banana..." "Of course!" "And this tool!" "And the crest!" "Oh, Professor." "This is so simple." "The stake goes through the crest and then into his heart!" "Boom!" "Boom!" "Boom!" "There!" "Of course!" "Of course." "He will never suspect!" "Is there anything I can do to repay you, Herr Professor?" "Yes." "Yes." "In the name of science, I want you to give me your gonads." "[Scottish bagpipes playing] (SINGING) BA-Y!" "B-A-Y!" "B-A-Y-C-H-E-Y [singing]" "[Scottish bagpipes playing]" "Oh, shit." "Oh, very nice, Angus." "I never realized you were such a sissy." "Keep your insults to yourself, lassie." "I'm all man and don't make me life my dress to prove it!" "Mind if I sit down?" "It's your ass." "You can inject it with monkey pocks, for all I care!" "Angus, darling, how long have you known my brother for?" "You know very well how long." "I've been asleep 200 years, I don't know" "What dimension I'm in anymore!" "It was after some fucking medieval war" "In the 15th Century." "I was rendered with amnesia." "I didn't know who I was, or where I was." "I was walking along this road through the mist." "I see this castle up ahead of me." "It lights up in the dark." "And I approached up to the door, opened the door... you wouldn't" "Believe what I've seen." "[Farting]" "[Scottish bagpipes playing]" "[Farting]" "I like him." "What do you think, my dear?" "He's... he's OK." "I think I'll keep him." "Go and give him eternal life." "That was 600 years ago and I've never" "Regretted a century of it." "The Count is like a brother to me." "So do you trust my brother, Otto?" "ANGUS:" "Aye." "Would you give your life for him?" "ANGUS:" "Aye." "Would you take a knife and slit your own man ovaries for him?" "Let's not get nuts here." "It's a shame, what happened to the family crest." "A shame" "Ai." "It is." "Well, it's strange, don't you think?" "ANGUS:" "Strange?" "In what way?" "Well, those idiots downstairs told me that Otto was away" "And you were in charge of his coffin." "Ai." "That's right." "So how did the Doctor and his peasant" "Get past such a big, strong man like you?" "What are you suggesting, woman?" "That I let them in?" "Don't be defensive, darling." "I'm just curious." "One night, while I was polishing the coffin," "They snuck up behind me and shot me in the heart with a crossbow" "From behind the door!" "And they ripped off the lock and did their" "Filthy, clandestine maneuvers." "They ripped off the lock?" "Ai." "With a crowbar the size of an elephants nether trunk!" "You mean, this little thing?" "Ai." "One that looks like that one, but not that one." "Angus, I know every little bat dropping in this castle." "You don't think I know the lock, the protector" "Of my brother's coffin chamber?" "Mmm." "Maybe I'm wrong." "Maybe I should go and see Otto about this, eh?" "Wait!" "Where did you get it?" "That idiot, Rufus, dug it up from round the back." "The nerve of that dirty commoner!" "He proposed to me." "Wanted to use it as an engagement ring!" "Oh, there, there, darling!" "Tell mommy." "Tell mommy everything." "The Count had been gone for five days." "I started to get bored!" "Oh." "I thought you might be hungry, Angus." "Ai." "I am!" "Set it over there for me." "[Circus music]" "Tell me about the circus, mama!" "There are acrobats, and midgets, and lions in cages," "And clowns!" "No clowns!" "No clowns!" "No clowns!" "This is a very momentous occasion, Mr. Hansome." "I've been waiting for this for over 10 years!" "Once we take the crest from the Count's coffin," "He will not be able to return to the mirror world" "And we will defeat his evil!" "Now stick it in!" "Stick it in?" "Stick it in!" "Stick it in!" "DOCTOR:" "Get it off!" "Get it off?" "DOCTOR:" "Get it off?" "MR. HANSOME:" "Get it off?" "DOCTOR:" "Oh, focus!" "Let me do it!" "Good job, Mr. Hansome." "Now we must go before they see us!" "No!" "Are you sure this is going to work?" "Just tell Master you got shot in the heart with wooden arrow" "And then they broke open the lock!" "[Screaming]" "Go and bury this where no one will find it." "Where no one will find it!" "Understand?" "[Music playing]" "[Crying]" "Poor, Otto." "He's so sick." "Someone should put him out of his misery." "Come on, we have work to do." "[Jewelry box music playing]" "Oh, just one more time, Miss Lily?" "No!" "Please?" "No!" " Just one more time, please?" " No!" "No more." "All finished for now." "Dorian?" "Yes, Miss Lily?" "May I ask you something?" "Oh, yes, Miss Lily." "Do you think I have a fat ass?" "Can I touch it?" "No!" "Again, do you think I would look nice with breasts?" "But... but your boobies, Miss Lily?" "What about them?" "They're so big and juicy." "Juicy, huh?" "You like my boobies?" "Oh, very nice." "You would like to have some just like mine to hold?" "Oh... oh, yes." "Touch touch?" "And to rub." "Oh, yes." "It will never happen." "They're too perfect." "You could never have breasts like mine." "Do you know, Dorian, what I like to do" "Late at night in my coffin, before the sun rises?" "What?" "I like to touch my nipples." "But you don't" "Why don't you listen to the lovely music." "[Jewelry box music playing]" "You know, Mr. Hansome, looking up at these stars reminds of..." "What?" "My mother." "She was so dedicated to hygiene." "Mother wants to play slippery seals." "This is the hoop." "In the hoop it goes." "Bad boy!" "You filthy seal!" "Yes, you are mother's!" "You are mother's boy!" "In the through hoop, you filthy seal!" "In through the hoop!" "Dirty seal!" "You dirty boy!" "Yes!" "Mommy's!" "Yes, mommy's seal!" "[Seal sounds]" "Yes!" "Yes, yes, you filthy boy!" "[Seal sounds]" "And don't let me catch you idiots doing it again!" "Oh, Master." "Baby wants to play with those toilet titties!" "Where are you talking the tray?" "Um, I'm talking it to your younger sister, Bloodvena." "She's awake." "Bloodvena's awake?" "Yes, Master." "I was just taking her this light refreshment." "Why don't you rest your pretty, little, stinky feet." "Let me take this to Bloodvena." "Goodbye." "Yes, Master." "[Music playing]" "So, Bloodvena, my dear, do you like the tea Otto made for you?" "Yes, Otto, but I see danger in the tea leaves." "Yes, Bloodvena." "You were always the most beautiful" "And the most intelligent." "You are right." "There is danger." "But anyway, how have you been keeping yourself, my dear?" "Oh, you know, terrorizing orphans," "Looking for virgins, the usual." "But I'm bored, Otto." "When can we go back to the mirror world?" "Unless we get the crest from the doctor," "We shall never see the mirror world again?" "The doctor?" "Is that the funny little man in the wheelchair?" "I don't think it will be very difficult to get rid of him." "Ah, so you know the doctor, my dear?" "Well, that's only half our troubles." "That bitch sister of ours is awake" "And she's trying to claim half the castle." "But she can't do that, Otto, because I own a third." "Oh, that's right." "I forgot." "I'll take care of the doctor, you" "Take care of that old bitch." "Together, Otto." "Together, my dear." "[Electric waves]" "Sing Twinkle for me." "(SINGING) Twinkle, twinkle little star..." "Who's the star?" "You are the star, my Count." "Sing!" "(SINGING) How I wonder where you are..." "It's not where you are, it's what you are, you idiot!" "I'm sorry, my Count." "(SINGING) How I wonder what you are..." "Silence!" "THE COUNTESS:" "Otto?" "What do you want?" "Does this belong to you?" "[Panting]" "No!" "It doesn't belong to me." "Now get it out of here, you filthy, dirty thing!" "Smells like mommy's pissy tits." "Go!" "You, sing!" "Yes, Count." "(SINGING) Up above the world so high... (SINGING IN UNISON) Like a diamond in the sky." "(SINGING) Twinkle, twinkle little star..." "[Groaning]" "(SINGING) How I wonder what you are." "[Music playing]" "I'm mature." "You call that mature?" "Mmm." "You're a real hot doggy." "[Applause]" "[Screaming]" "[Music - "here comes the bride"]" "And that is what love is all about!" "[Theremin playing]" "Who is it, Herr Doctor?" "It is the youngest of the Count's sisters." "Be careful, Mr. Hansome, she has the power of hypnosis." "Only the untrained and idiots will fall into her spell!" "[Sound of stabbing]" "Are you sure we should be doing this?" "Of course, we should!" "Besides, I have a little present for you." "I heard that you, uh... you have trouble turning into a bat?" "Well, I have news for you." "Fly-fucking-agra?" "I don't need Flyagra tablets!" "I can turn into a bat any time I like." "I can turn into a bat six times in one" "Fucking night, if I choose to!" "Fly-fucking-agra, you skanky, fucking twat!" "Darling, let's feed Otto." "[Theremin playing]" "So to what do I owe this pleasure?" "Oh, Otto, darling, you're looking so weak." "I've made a little food for you." "Food, my dear?" "Made by your own hands?" "All by myself, Otto." "With no one watching?" "Well, uh..." "Angus, he maybe watched a little?" "I was watching." "Ah, so Angus was watching you make the food, huh?" "Oh, how very sweet." "Well, if Angus was there, I guess it's OK." "Let's see." "Uh, uh, uh." "Angus first." "Oh." "I couldn't possibly fit another thing in me." "Just one spoonful!" "That's it." "Open up." "The little train is coming." "Oh!" "Here comes the choo-choo train!" "Choo!" "Choo-choo!" "Choo-choo!" "You tried to poison me, huh?" "You fucking cunt!" "I will break your skinny, little chicken neck!" "But I promised daddy I wouldn't." "[Crashing sound]" "I'll get you for this, Otto." "You!" "I expected better from you." "Master, I have a confession to make." "I'm the reason the crest was stolen from your coffin." "Oh, I know." "Lily told me the day I got back." "Now I want you to get all those idiots together." "Go downstairs." "We are having a meeting." "We are getting rid of that cunt of a sister" "Of mine once and for all." "She... she stuck that big noisy thing up my... my butt pocket." "She spanked my ass so hard, it was red raw for a week." "She tried to blackmail me and I found her farting around" "With my [inaudible] collection." "She tried to poison me." "My own sister." "She cut off my puppy [inaudible]." "Oh, we're having a little meeting, are we?" "What are we talking about?" "We were just discussing..." "Where to go to get a bite to eat." "Yes, my dear." "Oh, goody!" "I'll get changed!" "See you then!" "Lily?" "Yes, Master?" "Meet me upstairs in five minutes." "These are the ruins of the Counts old castle, Mr. Hansome." "What happened to it, Herr Doctor?" "It was five years ago today, I followed him here," "To his castle full of freaks." "And with a wave of his hand, he of" "Destroyed the whole place, like a temperamental child kicking" "Over his building blocks." "But fear not, Mr. Hansome." "He does not possess these Same powers." "He has been too long without his crest." "Mmm." "I, too, once had building blocks, Herr Doctor." "Look!" "[Bell ringing]" "MR. HANSOME:" "Who are they, Herr Doctor?" "They are the sisters of sorrow from the mirror world!" "But Doctor, how can they survive the sunlight?" "Ah!" "They are merely an illusion, a reflection" "From the twisted bowels of the mirror world." "But they do have the power of a zompires!" "Zompires, Herr Doctor?" "Ah, yes, Mr. Hansome." "The unholy union between the vampire and the zombie." "Hurry, Mr. Hansome!" "We must kill them!" "With this?" "No, Mr. Hansome!" "They must be dismembered." "Use this." "I will wait here, Mr. Hansome." "I will be judging you on grace and poise." "[Chainsaw buzzing]" "More throttle!" "Chop!" "Chop!" "Chop!" "[Bell ringing]" "[Music playing]" "Such an amateur display of tactics, Dr. Ludwig." "How pathetic." "Even your tires are flat." "Well, let us look at the score board, shall we?" "I think it is three nil, my way." "You will have to play much better than that" "Against the Count, Doctor." "Bring it, bitch!" "In fact, I was going there right now!" "Then we will see what is what!" "Well, I shall see you soon, Doctor!" "Not if I see you first." "Doctor!" "What?" "I liked the one on the left." "[Groaning]" "It's the scent of stinky maid milk that" "Gets my squirt sacks rumbling!" "There is nothing better than upside down sex." "I don't know." "I think maybe doggy style..." "I like doggy style, Master." "It's nice." "You know, on all fours, like a dog." "It's cool, you know." "I don't like dogs." "I don't like bum sex, but I like bum nuts." "Woof!" "Woof!" "[Toilet flushing]" "Lily?" "Yes, Master?" "I have a plan to get rid of that cunt of a sister of mine." "What's the plan, Master?" "Well, first, you stay here and..." "Yes." "Yes, Master!" "And last of all..." "[Groaning]" "Yes, Master!" "Master?" "Master?" "Cunt." "Men." "So Otto wishes to eat out tonight, does he?" "This could be his last supper!" "Are you sure no one lives in this house?" "I'm sure." "Do you think we'd be going in, if anyone lived there?" "Let's go." "Did she die in the house?" "Oh, for fuck's sake, Annie!" "Just get in there." "Let's go!" "Well, did she, Rodney?" "What are you talking about?" "Did the old lady die in this house?" "Look, all I know is there was a big scream and by the time" "They knocked the door down and got in," "There was just a pool of blood and a lady's in the middle." "Come on, Rodney." "Can we go to McDonald's now?" "Get fucked, man." "He's just shitting us." "We'll have a smoke first, then we'll go." "Shit!" "I forgot the matches." "Could I offer you a light?" "[Thunder booming]" "Oh, so tasty and young!" "You are exactly what I need!" "Oh, such a pretty, pretty boy." "Care for a suck?" "Yes." "[Moaning]" "Tastes like young [inaudible]." "[Music playing]" "Oh, you're all..." "You're all naked!" "You look sexy!" "Oh, thank you." "I feel sexy." "[Groaning]" "I'm coming!" "I'm coming!" "Coming!" "[Panting]" "Look, Mr. Hansome!" "There's one of the Count's vampires!" "Quickly!" "Use this!" "[Music playing]" "No!" "Good shooting, Mr. Hansome!" "I'm not afraid to die!" "I've had a good life and I've had a lot of great cunt!" "Fair ones, hairy ones, trimmed ones, baldies," "And my favorite, stinky pies!" "No!" "No!" "OK." "[Scottish bagpipes playing]" "Don't..." "Don't worry about him, we have to go!" "[Thunder booming]" "[Music playing]" "Come, Mr. Hansome." "We must go and find the Count!" "But careful, we must go into the room full of crystals." "Don't touch anything!" "Oh, Countess!" "That was so fantastic." "You are the most beautiful, the most sensual," "The most erotic dead woman I have ever known." "Tell me something I don't know, darling." "[Crashing sound]" "What was that?" "It's the doctor." "Countess, quickly!" "You must leave!" "You must leave now!" "You turn into a bat." "It's the only way to save yourself, go!" "Quickly!" "What about Otto?" "It's probably already too late for him." "Quickly, go!" "You must leave now!" "Turn into a bat and fly away!" "Don't worry about me." "You think I'm worried about you?" "[Bell ringing]" "[Evil laughter]" "Goddamn, fucking, old whore!" "I'll fucking teach you to spank me, you evil little cunt!" "[Squashing sound]" "Master, I've done what you said." "Your sister is dead." "Ah, good work, Lily." "Now I have to go back into the mirror world to regenerate." "But I can't risk taking you with me, but I will be back for you." "I promise." "Now you know what we have to do." "Yes, Master." "Goodnight." "[Cracking sound]" "I think, Mr. Hansome, we have found his special room." "Ah, ja, Doctor." "Special?" "[Music playing]" "This... this will be the last day of your life!" "We are here to do business, not your filthy, dirty things!" "COUNT BLAUGHSPICH:" "Where is the crest?" "Oh, yes, Count." "Despite all your theatrics, I still have this!" "It's beautiful, Doctor." "The mirror world?" "I should like to go back there." "Come!" "That's it!" "Closer!" "Closer!" "[Ray buzzing]" "You!" "Peasant Boy!" "You promised me a virgin!" "But I did bring a virgin!" "Here is your virgin." "A mommy's boy virgin, are you, Doctor?" "Never mind." "I just booked myself a ticket back to the mirror world." "Passenger!" "[Music playing]"