" lsn't it time we went back to the classroom?" " We okay yet - we wait for Giovanni" "Come sit down Sid" " This is Sid the caretaker" " Most happy to make your acquaintance" "Nice to meet you" "You want a cup of coffee, Sid?" " Cup of coffee?" " No thanks" " l wouldn't mind a fag though" " Sure you can have the fag" " Max, a cigarette for Sid" " Okay" "That's very kind of you!" " Sid is gonna talk to us" " What is he going to be talking about?" "Anything!" "It's to improve our English!" "Instead of us all the time speak to each other, we speak with Sid I think is very good idea" " What we're gonna talk about?" " You'll have to talk up I'm a bit Mutt and Jeff" "Excuse me!" "Who are these Mutt and Jeff?" "Mutt and Jeff is deaf" "Scuse!" "What we gonna talk about?" "I don't mind!" "I'm just happy to rest my plates of meat" "Excuse please!" "I am not seeing any plates of meat" "Plates of meat is feet" " Your feet are plates of meat?" " Yes lt's slang you see!" "It's easy if you use your Uncle Ned" " l am not having an uncle Ned" " Uncle Ned!" "Your uncle Ned?" " Uncle Ned?" " Yes" " You mean he's crazy?" " No but I think you lot are" " l think you're taking the mick" " No" "We are interested in everything you tell us!" "Already you are teaching us words we not learn before" " Please teach us more" " Yeah" " l'll tell you about what happened last night" " Yes please" "Well first of all, I had a bit of a bull and a cow with the trouble and strife lt was all over the dustbin lids!" "I went down the frog and toad into the rub-a-dub and I met my old china plate" "He looked a bit Unce Dick so I get him a Jack the Dandy and I had a Vera Lynn" "One thing led to another and we were both Brahms and Liszt" "So I staggered back home, took off my Dickie dirt and my daisy roots" "And passed out like a light on the apples and pears" "Blimey I think we are better off talking with each other lsn't it time you were all back in the classroom?" "Sorry professori, we've just been talking with Sid I've just been helping them with their English Mr. Brown" "That should set them back a few weeks" " l beg your pardon?" " lt doesn't matter" "Alright!" "We are not understanding a word he's saying Mr. Brown" "He's telling us about his Uncle Dick!" "Somebody called Jack the Dandy and Brahms and Liszt" "He was speaking in rhyming slang" "And all the time we think he's English" "He is English!" "He's what is known as a cockney" "Rhyming slang is merely using words that rhyme with the word you wish to use" "For example, mince pies are eyes" " Plates of meat are feet" " Yes" " l understand, Uncle Ned is head" " That's right" " And what is Uncle Dick?" " l presume that's sick" " And Jack the Dandy?" " Brandy" " Brahms and Liszt?" " Drunk" " That's not rhyme - lt's near enough" "Come along, we have a lot of work to do!" "Back to the classroom" "What is going on in here?" "Where is Mr. Brown?" "He will be here any minute!" "He is coming from the tea room" "Ten minutes is the normal time to have a tea Mr. Brown" "Yes of course!" "We were discussing parts of speech" "Well in future, I'd be obliged if you'd do it in the class" "Certainly!" "How are your students coming along with their English?" "Extremely well" "Good, I shall stay and listen for a few minutes" "Don't worry!" "I shan't interfere!" "I make it a practise to drop on the classes from time to time" "To see what sort of progress is being made lt's Beef Stroganoff in the cookery class tonight" " Are you trying to get rid of me?" " No, I just thought you might fancy a bit" "I don't, so will you please begin?" "Right!" "For the rest of this period we're going to talk about shopping I like him!" "He's very good!" " Pardon?" " Shoppin!" "I like his Polonaise" "Giovanni, that's Chopin!" "He must have misheard me!" "We're going to talk about shopping, buying things I have here various items which, at some time or another you will probably purchase" "So I'm gonna hold them up and ask you to identify them" "And we'll see how well you do, alright?" " Now who shall we start with?" "Ali" " Yes please" " What is this?" " Apple" " Lovely!" "Jelly good - You're not supposed to eat it I am most sorry!" "I only had a small bite" "You might as well finish it now!" " Su Lee, what is this?" " lt is olange" " Rrrr, Rrrr Orange" " Olrange" " That's better" " You really must work on those R sounds" " l tly velly hard" " Try saying..." ""Around the rugged rocks the ragged rascal ran"" ""Alound luged locks, lagged lascal lan"" "You're gonna have to keep practising" " Anna, what's this?" " A paper bag" " Yes, but what's inside it?" " l don't know!" "I cannot see inside" " lt's flour!" "You know what flour is?" " Ja, what you wear at wedding" "No, no, no, this isn't that kind of flower!" "This is flour to make pastry and bread" " Veismal" " Yes" " Jamila" " Yes" "What is this?" "I'm sure you're right but what is it in English?" "Have you ever heard of a carrot?" " Carrot?" " Yes carrot" "Horse and carrot" " Incredible!" " No, no Jamila" "That's horse and cart!" "This is a carrot!" "Who can tell me what these are?" " Fish fingers" " Good, well done Danielle" " Excuse please" " No Ali, don't say it" "What don't I say?" "You weren't going to say anything about fish not having fingers" " Yes please" " Well don't bother" " Max" " Tomato" " Good, Taro!" " Potarto" " Potato" " Ah so" "Giovanni!" " Lime Juice" " Good" " Juan" " Cow Juice" " Milk" " Si, milk" " Do you know where we get milk from Juan?" " Si señora, milkman" " Quiet please!" "We get milk from cows" " Si, vacas!" "cows!" " Ranjeet!" " Corn flakes" " No oats" " Oats" "So that is oats!" "My friend who I am working with" "Every morning he is telling me last night he is having his oats" " He is telling me he likes them very much - l'm sure he does" " Who can tell me what this is?" " Bacon" " Good, and where does bacon come from?" " Milkman" " Bacon does not come from the milkman" " Every week I buy bacon from milkman" " Pig, pig" " Are you calling me pig?" " You are a pig you ltalian ravioli" " Shut your plates of meat" "That'll do!" "What Giovanni was trying to say was that bacon comes from a pig lt's alright" "Can anyone tell me what we call a pig after it has been killed?" " Yes please, it is dead pig!" " Amazing" "No Ali, that's pork!" " What is this?" "Anybody?" " A tin of meat" " Yes, actually it's a tin of dog meat" " Oh blimey, you're putting dogs in tins to eat" " l think I've heard enough" " They are better than they were" "They could hardly be worse!" "She's absolutely right you know!" "Some of you are very behind I spend a lot of time preparing these lessons" "And some of you don't take them half as serious as they should lt's time you put your shoulders to the wheel" " What wheel please?" " Learning l think you better stay an extra half hour tonight" " lt's Friday night!" "I got a date - l don't care I want you to do the exercises on page 53, all of them" "And you don't go until you've finished" "So long!" " l've locked up the tea room Sid" " Thanks Glad" " Fancy a drink Girl?" " No I want to get home l must have a pint!" "My throat's spitting fevers" " What was that?" " l think it is somebody at the door" "Come in!" "Hello, is anybody there?" " Cheerio Sid!" "See you on Monday" " Good night Gladys" "It's no good!" "I can't get it open I know!" "Why not we smash the door up?" "No, no!" "It's worth a try, alright!" "Stand back everyone" "Careful of splits!" " You haven't opened the door - l think I've broken my arm" " We are all going to die" " Don't be so dramatic" "Maybe we shout again I don't think my throat would stand any more" "Hey look!" "There's a man in the street!" "Help, help!" "He won't hear us from up here!" "Wave to him" " He has seen us" " Good" "He's waving back" "He obviously thinks we're just being friendly" "He's gone" " We are all going to die" " Nobody is going to die" "What we need is something to be attracting the attention of passer by" "Yes, Danielle should wave from window by herself lt still may not be sufficient to attract enough attention lt would be if she took all her clothes off" " That's a good idea" " No it isn't" "Now, just sit down everybody!" "We'll just have to think this one out" "There must be a simple solution" "And if there isn't, we'll just have to wait until somebody misses one of us" "But what if nobody is missing anybody" "We could be being stuck here together until Monday morning" "We are all going to die" "Ali, nobody is going to die!" "Only you is going to die" " Me?" " Yes" "Because if you say we are all going to die once more, I shall strangle you" "There are eleven of us here!" "It is obvious that sooner or later, one of us will be missed" " Will you be missed sir?" " Well no but I live alone in a flat" " But for example, take Danielle - l would love to take Danielle I'm sure that, being an au pair" "Your English family will miss you when you don't return" "No, they are away for the weekend" "Well Anna, what about your English family?" " Are they away?" " No" " They'll obviously be worried!" " No" " No?" " lt is my weekend off!" " l was spending it with Danielle" " We are all going to die" "Ali!" "Taro, what about you?" "You're married!" "Won't your wife miss you?" " Wife already missing me" " There you are" "Unfortunately, she is with parents in Tokyo" "What about you Giovanni?" "You work in a restaurant" " Surely your employer will miss you" " Sure he's gonna miss me" " So presumably, he'll do something about it" " Yes, he's gonna give me the sack" "Somebody's bound to miss somebody" "And if the worst happens, then..." "Don't worry we can survive the weekend!" "We've got plenty of food and drink!" "We'll just have to keep our spirits up!" "Try and be cheerful" "Think of things to do to pass the time" " l tell a joke!" " Good idea Giovanni" "We'll all tell jokes!" "That will help pass the time!" "Go ahead Giovanni!" "Ok, there was this man and he has gangrene in the leg" " Are you sure this is a joke?" " Sure, it's very funny" "Anyway, he goes into the hospital to have the leg chopped off" "After the operation, when he's come back to being conscious" "He sees the doctor looking very worried!" "'What's the matter doctor', he say" "The doctor replies, 'Senor I have bad news and I have good news'" "So, the man say, 'OK, give me the bad news'" "The doctor say, 'l have chopped off the wrong leg'" "Santa Maria, the man say, 'what is the good news?" "'" "The doctor say 'Your other leg is getting better'" " Well go on" " That's the joke" " Very droll" " Another Uncle Ned" "Does anybody else got a funny story?" "Do you know it take two Sikhs to milk one goat?" " Two?" " Yes please" "One to be holding the tits and one to be lifting the goat up and down" "And did you know that in Pakistan they have no ice" "Because the man who is knowing to be making ice has emigrated" " Are you saying all Pakistanis are stupid?" " No, just you" "Sit down!" "No more racialistjokes please" " Has anybody else got a funny story?" " Por favor" "A funny story, a joke!" " Chiste" " Ah, chiste!" "Yo tengo uno" "I'm sure that was extremely hilarious, lf only we knew what it was about!" "Taro, what about a Japanese joke in English please" "Old Japanese ploverb say..." ""Man who seduces girl on hillside, not on the level"" "Very clever!" "Su Lee, what about a sample of Chinese humour?" "In democlatic repubric of China, we have no time for decadent bourgoise humour" "No, I don't suppose you do!" "Danielle, what about you?" " l have a French joke for you" " Good" " l tell you about the catholic priest!" " Yeah, that sounds better" " Yes?" " Come on" "There was the priest out walking and a gendarme come up and say" "Father, come quickly, there is a man on the top of the Eiffel Tower" "And he is going to jump!" "So the father goes to the tower and sees the man" "What are doing?" "You're mad!" "Think of your family!" "Think of your wife" "So the man says 'My wife has left me!" "I have no family!" "So I jump'" "The priest, he tries one more time" "So he says, lt is a sin against the catholic church" "The man says 'l am not catholic'" "OK, says the priest, jump!" " Yeah Anna, what about a joke?" " l don't know any jokes" "Professori, why don't you tell us a joke?" "All right, i'll tell you one I heard at my last school" "One of the boys was sent home one day" "And his father asked him why he'd been sent home, he refused to tell him" "So his father went to see the Headmaster" "The Headmaster said 'l'll tell you why your son was sent home'" "When the teacher asked him who pushed down the Walls of Jericho" "He said it wasn't me" "So the father said if he said he didn't do it, then he didn't do it" "Excuse please" "What is the matter Ali?" "Didn't you understand the joke?" "Yes but what I didn't understand is who did push down the Walls of Jericho?" "Anybody else got a joke?" "No?" "What about a sing song I am knowing good English sing song all about rolling me over in the clover l don't think we want that one!" "Thank you" " Does anybody know Daisy?" " ls she beautiful?" "It's a song, Daisy!" "It goes like this..." "'Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer do I'm half crazy, over the love of you'" "Excellent!" "What shall we sing next?" " Can't we have a rest?" " l don't know that one!" "is it French?" "Yes, I'm sorry!" "Can anyone tell me the exact time?" " Three minutes past eleven - only 58 hours until Monday morning" "So I said to the wife 'You're lucky, I'm still living'" "What's up?" " Lord" " What's up?" "I must be as drunk as you are I can see the teachers in the school waving at me out of the window lt must be worse than I thought I can see him and I don't even know him" "I hope you haven't dragged me down here on a wild goose chase" " l tell you!" "I definitely saw them - lt's most inconvenient" " lt's not my fault, I lost the front door key" " Of course, it's your fault you silly little man" "At last!" "Miss Courtney, how nice to see you I'm afraid I can't return the compliment" "Come along!" "Good night" "I'll go and see there's nobody else anywhere" " l'm terribly sorry - l should hope you are" " l hope it hasn't inconvenienced you" " Of course it inconvenienced me I was quite happily curled up in bed with Daphne du Maurier I am really sorry about this" " Now what's the matter?" " l've left my shopping in the class" "For heaven's sake, hurry up and get it" " You're gonna take all night?" " No, No, no" "Well hurry up!" "Sid!" "Sid, Sidney!" "We're locked in" "Now we mustn't panic!" "We can last out until Monday morning!" "Have a carrot" "Let's have a sing song!"