"Previously on Weeds:" "What was it like?" "Confusing, brisk, messy." " How's your mom doing in rehab?" " I can't visit until she's detoxed." " Celia." " Celia." "Oh, ain't we fancy?" "You have to take that fucking attitude out the door, you hear me?" " Headcheese sandwich." " Six-inch or footlong?" " Footlong all the way, bro." " Enjoy." "It's her, man." " She didn't get fat, did she?" " No, she's beautiful." "Señor Doug, what are you doing?" " I wanna make the sex with you, baby." " But we do not know each other." "Okay, I hear you." "Can I just see one boob?" "Go get Ms. Hodes a glass of water." "Now?" "Agent Shlatter." " Deliver me Guillermo Garcia-Gomez." " I don't know of any Gomez." " If I did once, I don't anymore." " Not what I hear." " What the fuck?" " Exactly." "What the fuck?" " This is supposed to be a pot tunnel." " It's a tunnel." "There's no magical "Weed Only" sign at the entrance." "You cut the shit." "Guillermo." "Garcia Gomez." " I asked you to come alone." " Agent Shlatter's my partner." " And so your word is shit." " My word is shit?" "You called." "I'm here." " Gomez." " Well, I need assurances." " What kind of assurances?" " Everything I ask for, I get." " I'm not your daddy." " I am not fucking around here." "This information I have, very few people have it." " I'm listening." " It's gonna look like it came from me." "It cannot look like it came from me." "More important than anything you do with this information it must not look like it came from me." " Okay." " You make a bust." "I do not go down with it." "My people do not go down with it." " Still, it never comes back to me." " Fine." "My name never appears on any piece of paper." "No one ever speaks my name." "This meeting never happened." " Done." " I will not be fleeing." "My family will not be going into witness protection." "There will be no reason to go into witness protection." "You're getting repetitive." "There's a tunnel." "So I go to see one of my kids in the foster home and I'm begging him to forgive me." "And he looks at me with those big eyes, and he says:" ""Who are you, lady?" "I ain't your kid."" "I'm thinking, "My own boy doesn't even recognize me." "That's the saddest thing ever."" "But it ain't." "The saddest thing is, I was so fucked up, I went in the wrong house." "It was so devastating, I miscarried right there." "Thanks for sharing." " Celia." " I thought I had hit bottom." "But after hearing your stories I realize it could be so much worse." "The truth is, none of you have any chance in hell of ever pulling your lives back together if you even had lives to begin with." "As I have listened to your tales of burning wreckage and shattered existence I've realized that I am the only one here that has any chance at all." "A chance to make amends and to start over, fresh." "Stupid-ass bitch." " Andy?" " Yeah?" "Hi, Maria." " I am so sorry." " No, don't be sorry." "Don't be sorry." "Okay, no towel." "One sec." "What you doing here?" " You have been in my dreams." " Oh, yeah?" "Yeah." "Well, dreams are weird." "I have this recurring one where I'm playing pool with Lou Dobbs and suddenly his big fat stomach opens up and these nasty teeth grow out of his torn, fat-marbled flesh." " Please make love to me." " Oh, no." "No, I can't do that." " Do you not think I am attractive?" " Oh, yeah." "Locked the fucking -- You're very attractive, yeah." "I think you are attractive." " But Doug...." " He is not the man for me." " You are." " Okay." " You are excited." " No, no." "It's just windy out." "I do not think it is the wind." "Lou Dobbs, Lou Dobbs, Lou Dobbs." "Lou Dobbs, Lou Dobbs." "Lou Dobbs!" "No." "We're going to a wedding." "It's casual, but evening casual, you know." "I was thinking something with a drop waist." " Kind of Tory Burch?" " Exactly." " I'll help them, Sanjay." " Well, I got it." "No, I need you to re-dress the mannequins." "Well, it's about time." "Can I do a theme?" "Go for it." "The dressing rooms are back this way." "Just let me know if you need any help with anything." "I'm thinking shades of blue for the window." "And I'm thinking that that man you just helped is gay, gay, gay." " The guy in the couple?" " Not a couple." "There's weirdness." "I'd say maybe she's his surrogate, but he called her "wife."" "It's a puzzler." "They're a nice married couple having a baby." " They're not a couple." " You need to get your gaydar checked." "Listen, breeder, my gaydar is never wrong." "That man hearts cock." "Clearly he hearted her vagina at some point." "You ever hear of in vitro?" "So, what, religious and societal pressures have forced him to live the lie of domesticity?" "Or maybe he's a cop." " What?" " Oh, that's it." "He's an undercover cop here to scope us out and bust us." "And then ask me out." "Yeah, right." " Of course." "That's gotta be it." " I'm telling you." "Get back to your vision in blue." "Leave the nice couple alone." "I'm going, but know this:" "No straight man knows what a drop-waist dress is." "And if he does, he denies it." "I really do not feel like going back to class." " Fuck class." " Shit, I think something just bit me." "Could you not blow smoke in my hair?" "You should dye it black." "It would look totally cool black." "Let's break into the science lab and get high on nitrous." "They keep it in a locked cabinet." "Could break the glass with a fire extinguisher." "No one would hear the sound of breaking glass in the middle of the afternoon." " I wanna get high." " Me too." " I could get some pot." " Shane." "Mind your own business." " Can you get it, like, now?" " Sure." "I'm going to class." "Are you coming?" " No." "He's gonna hang with us." " I'm gonna hang with them." "You are totally making me reconsider fucking boys." "You do them once and they become your puppet." "She's a dyke." "In that case, she should go purple." "Her hair would look totally cool purple." "Headcheese sandwich, please." " What are you doing here?" " You heard me." "I want a sandwich." " Then go to Subway." " They don't have the kind I want." " Neither do we." " Oh, I think you do." "Fuck off." "Come on." "Just one?" "I am not giving weed to my little brother." " You gave me a condom." " That was sex, Shane." "This is drugs." "Why aren't you in school?" "I know you smoked when you were 13." " I saw you." " Well, you're already stupid enough." "With that asshole Danny Melcher." "You were giggling." "Then he stood on our slide and took a piss in our pool." "You saw that?" "Why do you think I didn't go in the pool for a year?" "I'm not gonna sit here and say, "Don't do drugs."" "Because that would make you a total hypocrite." "But I'm not gonna be your fucking dealer." " Hey, does anybody work here?" " Be right out." "I'll give you 300 bucks." "Go back to school, Shane." "Sorry about that." "Do you know what a barcarole is?" "I do not." "It's a boat song." "From the days when men serenaded women in boats." "You've got a thing for boats." "The finest barcarole ever written " "And this is not my opinion." "It is generally agreed upon by men of substance." " is one you are hearing right now." "Who are the girls?" "Melia, Cybelle, Adelita." "My daughters." " No pictures of Mommy?" " She is remarried now." "Lives in France." "They're all there." "You don't get to see them much." "Over Christmas we're gonna skiing in Whistler." " This picture wasn't here before." " I hid it." "A strange thing for me to do." "You make me do things I wouldn't usually do." "Where are you?" "Hey." "Where are you?" " You're in your head, not here." " No." "I'm here." "No, I'm here." "I want to tell you something." "There were more girls in the tunnel." "I know that." "You do?" "It is the business of dark-hearted people." "And you and I are not dark-hearted." "Girls will never come through the tunnel again." "Do you dance?" "I do." "Would you care to dance with me, Nancy Botwin?" "Just say yes." "Yes." "I threw up on my prom date." "Charming." "Do you love me?" "Are you in love with me?" ""Are you in love with me?"" "That's not an answer." "You don't ask the mayor of Tijuana if he's in love." "It's just not done." "You should've said yes." "Would you like to take a trip with me?" "Christmas in Whistler with the kids?" "No." "Sooner, and only us." "I have a job." "I manage Maternity World." "I'll have to ask." "May I have a week off?" "You didn't say "please."" "Please, kind employer?" "You may." "What does that mean, "regaliz rojo"?" "Very bad." " Place is really coming along." " Not bad, huh?" "As soon we figure out our next venture, I wanna get a bigger place." "I'm thinking Mexican pharmaceuticals." "Sell them to old people with no insurance." "What do you think?" "Yeah." "It's a great idea." "So where are we eating?" "Maria, any ideas?" "Just, please, no more Mexican food." " Cuban?" " Nothing with beans." " Andy, any ideas?" " Maria and I had sex." "What?" "We had sex." "I'm sorry, we did." "Just once." "Okay, twice, but not two separate times." "One time and then again after." "You guys had sex?" "It wasn't planned or anything." "Just happened." "I seduced him." "I feel like shit." "You're my friend." "I love you, man, and I'm " "It's tearing me up inside." "I had to come clean." "It's never gonna happen again, I swear." "It was a one-slash-two-time thing." "Meant nothing." " I love him." " No, no, you don't love me." " You love Doug." " No." "I love you, Andy." "You are the best lover I have ever had." "Yeah, but Doug's gonna be even better, right?" "I mean, he's so tall, and he's so good with numbers." "She got scared, Doug." "I was a fear fuck." "Because she's so totally into you, it freaked her out." "Tell him, Maria." "I am so sorry, Doug, but sometimes we cannot help who we love." "Well okay." "All right, I hear you." " Guess I'm glad you were honest." " It'll never happen again." " It will." "It will happen many times." " Stop saying that." "It's fine." "You're my best friend and I love you." "And Maria's right." "We can't choose who we love." "But, Maria, as much as I've enjoyed having you it's a little awkward for you to stay here now." "I understand." "You guys mind if I have a few minutes?" "Course, man." "Take all the time you need." "San Diego County." "Department of Immigration and Naturalization." "You did very good work, captain." "Clinique " " Clinique." " Tell your men I said that myself." " He'll be taken care of." " You'll be taken care of." " There's a press conference." " Should be there within the hour." " Jimmy Jam too." " No." " Stay calm." " I'll see you there." " Bye." "You?" "Many arrests." "One of Guillermo's men was killed." "Someone talked." " Really?" " The one with the drug problem." " Your lesbian lover." " Celia?" "Oh, no." "No way." "She's terrified of me." " You know we're not lesbians, right?" " I take your word." " What about the Asian homosexual?" " Why are we focusing on my crew?" " My people don't talk." " Oh, really?" "Someone ratted out Guillermo when he said he wanted to kill me." " What about that guy?" " We'll be looking at everyone." "Will you be looking into me?" " Should I be looking into you?" " Only if you don't trust me." "Reckless, impulsive, but not suicidal." "You're gonna have your own problems because of this." "The car is downstairs." "It's gonna be hard for me to see you in the short term." " Do you understand?" " Of course." "It's an inconvenience, but we'll get by." " Dig another tunnel." "Right, Cesar?" " Already digging." "Call Cesar if you run into problems." "I will." "I almost forgot." " Yes." " Yes?" "The answer to last night's question." "And I'm sorry for the massive body issues I have given you." "And I'm sorry for judging your lifestyle choice." "You wanna love the ladies, love those ladies." "Vagina power." "I'll buy you a big strap-on for Hanukkah." " Jesus, Celia." " Okay, fine." "Sorry about that too." "Do you forgive me?" "That's it?" "That's all you're sorry for?" "What else is there?" "Apology accepted." "Okay." "Dean, you're next." "Isabelle, would you mind leaving us alone for this one?" "Fine." "I'll be at the pool." " Bye." " Thanks." "Okay." "Here goes." "I'm sorry for being married to you without ever once I mean, not even for a moment being sexually attracted to you." "I'm sorry every time we had sex, I fantasized about other men." "I'm sorry the sight of your naked body repulsed me to the point that I was forced to stray." " I'm glad this is making you feel better." " I'm sorry I had children with you." "I'm sorry I made a life with you." " That my hatred of you " " All right, enough." " No, I'm just getting started." " No, you are finished." "I could care less about your fucking apologies." "But we have a daughter out there who hasn't seen you in over two years who bore the brunt of your insensitivity and anger and who could use an apology " "A real apology, Celia." " a hell of a lot more than I could." "I don't know where Quinn is." "She's living in Oaxaca with a guy named Rodolfo." " Rodolfo?" " Go, find Quinn." "Make things right." " You totally rock." " Totally." "I see you're still alive." " And you're late." " Got stuck doing interviews." "Big story." "Big spotlight shining on that maternity store." "What am I supposed to do now?" " Can I go home?" " Sure." "We'll arrest you tomorrow and make it look right." "Store manager." "Gotta question your ass." "We'll pretend to ask, and you'll pretend to know nothing." "And we'll pretend to fuck up on a technicality." "Sounds like a plan." "What about Sanjay?" "Took him to Long Beach, put him on a plane." "And Guillermo?" "Guillermo's going away for a long time." "So is his crew." "There was some international confusion." "Who is Guillermo's boss?" " Don't know." "I have no idea." " Well, I hope that's the truth." "We got you covered on this side but they play a harder game down south." " You should know that." " You make it look right, I'll be fine." "Agent Shlatter, I think it is your partner." "Maybe we'll let it go to voice mail." ""Informant details location of said tunnel." "Informant confirms hour of delivery."" "I'm going to ask you again the same question." "Who is "informant"?" "I don't know, I don't know, I don't know." "I did not hear you." "One more time, amigo." "Nancy Botwin."