"Thank you." "Thank you." "I am..." "Honored, ah..." "Really, truly, I am." "I am!" "I mean, one time..." "I got so mad at people speeding on the street that I thought I would run for local politics, but..." "Prophet of God?" "That..." "I never..." "I never, never imagined that." "But if you're open to some feedback, ah..." "I'm... not sure that I'm the best choice." "You know, I mean, for one thing," "I don't take direction very well." "Now touch your nose." "Wait, did you say nose or toes?" "The other thing is, I'm not what you would call a religious person, in the traditional sense." "Oh, my God." "Lord have mercy." "Oh, my God." "Lord have mercy." "But mostly I'm worried because I think" "I, or we, really hurt someone." "Now, granted, it is my husband's mistress." "But still, I don't want her to die." "I just want me and Tom to learn from our mistakes and move on." "So..." "Please consider talking to and through someone else." "Matt Lauer seems like an obvious choice." "Oh!" "I mean, hi." "Are you praying?" " Um..." " Again?" "It's, like, constant." "Oh, nuts." "How is she?" " Great." "Fantastic really." " Oh." "The doctors say it's the funnest coma they've ever seen." "Well, at least she's not dead." "That would make it a felony." "Former weather girl who now controls the weather, are you trying to get your 15 minutes of fame back?" "Entering." "Please do not electrocute me." "Entering." "I hope you're joking." "Honey, I want you to feel safe in your own home." "Oh, you mean the home that my friends on Facebook have dubbed "the house of horrors"?" "And "horrors" is spelled with a "w."" "Get it, Tom?" "Emily, I'm sorry you found out about my..." "Affair, and that I had one for you to find out about, but I'm still dad to you." "I never said you weren't my dad, Tom." "I'm going over to Riley's." "Both:" "Have fun." "Not only does she not want to hang out with us, now we're the pariahs of the neighborhood." "When I was driving down the street," "I could see people shutting their curtains." "Yes, we have fallen from neighborhood grace." "You remember when we first moved in here, and I would have Sunday night potlucks, and everyone would come over, and we would have so much fun?" "Emily used to love those." "Yeah, that was, like, two personalities ago." "Tom was right, but how was I going to earn back the love and respect of my family and friends?" "And that's when God told me to start by doing the right thing with this." "Hi, Maggie." "Emily's fine." "Is that why you're here?" "Mmmm." "I'm starting up our Sunday night potlucks again, and I wondered if I could count you in for tonight." "No, thank you." "I'll let you think on that one." "In the meantime, I wanted to return this." "I borrowed it." "Hi, Elliot." "Sorry." "Hi, Beth." "Gee, you have nice biceps." "Tom doesn't have nice biceps." "He has little noodle arms." "I call him noodle-armed Tom." "Noodle-armed Tom." "You should try it." "I'm not gonna do that." "You should call him noodle-armed Tom." "No." "Beth, time to switch to coffee." "Good night, everybody." "Good night, noodle arm." " I knew you stole it." " You did?" "Yeah, and I don't want it back." "'Cause I replaced it with a cheaper version so that every morning my watery latte would fuel my rage against you." "Wow, that doesn't sound healthy." "But it provides a bigger jolt than caffeine ever could." "Um, Maggie." "Maggie, I'm changing, I promise." "I heard." "Did God tell you to return that to me?" "How did you know?" "Oh, right." "Hey, Maggie, I'm going to the gym." "Oh, hey, Beth." "Be careful, Elliot." "You're gonna get hurt." "Is that a threat?" " What?" " Who's gonna hurt me, Beth?" " Is it you?" " Or someone who lives inside of you who goes by a different name?" "No." "Oh, no, no, no." "I just... he..." "She was telling me that..." "Awkward." "I know I'm not your pcp." "Primary care physician, but I'd be happy to make a referral for a psych consult, Beth." "Oh." "No, no, I'm fine." "I just..." "Give that potluck some thought." "Bye." "Bye." " Potluck?" " Oh, hell, no." "All right." "I'm going to the gym." "So is it a feeling, or do you hear a voice?" "No, it's a voice." "I mean, I think it's a voice." "But then after he/she says something," "I can't really describe it." "You know, it's kind of like when you dream about eating something, but then you can't remember what it tasted like." " God, I hate that." " Right?" "Oh, Jenna, I'm so relieved that you're not scared of me." "Of course." "I'm fascinated." "Pete's a little annoyed, though, because our power keeps going out since the lightning storm, and he kind of blames you." "Oh." "Well, I'm kind of honored that Pete thinks I control the weather." "Tom's not buying it." "So how do you know it's God talking to her?" "Nobody's talking to her." "Elliot, do you think" "Emily knowing about my affair is going to permanently scar her?" "The only scars I'm qualified to speak to are the ones I can prescribe vanishing cream for." "I wish I could make this whole thing vanish." "Look, Beth's sober now." "You guys are still together." "That's got to count for something." "Maybe it's the devil talking to her." "Nobody's talking to her." "When my dad had an affair with our mailman..." "Mail-woman." "No, mailman." "I knew about it..." "How'd you know?" "Did your mailman wake up at your house?" "Our mailman wouldn't even come into our yard because of our dog." "Well, technically, it was a wolf." "Well, anyway, I knew about it, but even after my parents' divorce, my dad wouldn't admit it or discuss it with me." "Did you want him to?" "I think it could've helped me process the whole thing, but, you know, I still became a doctor, so don't sweat it too much." "Oh, I'm making a simple pasta." " Oh, and I'll do the salad." " Perfect." "See, this is fun." "A four-person potluck is still a potluck." "Oh..." "Could you and Pete use an espresso machine?" "Oh, no." "No, thanks." " I'm strictly a green tea girl..." " Oh." "And Pete just has an energy drink and a bag of pork rinds in the morning." "Gross." "It makes me so mad, I could spit." "It's nice." "You could sell it on eBay." "No, no, I'm supposed to be making amends." "I have to give it away." "Well, my church takes all kinds of donations." "I'm taking some clothes there for the homeless today." "Church." "That's exactly where I need to take it." " Can I go with you?" " Absolutely." "I'd love to have a church buddy besides Pete." "Great." "Church." "Never have been to church." "Yay, church." "There I was, in a place I had never been, listening to a song I'd never heard, and feeling like I was home." "Praise God." "That was just great." "It was, like, abso..." "Oh, excuse me." "Pastor Jim?" "I have an espresso maker I'd like to donate to the church if you think you could use it somehow." "Oh, well, that's really nice, but one of our members gave us a restaurant-grade machine recently." "We can make six lattes at a time for our homeless dinners." "You know, one of our regulars said it made him feel like he was homeless in Europe." "Ah, well, maybe I could just tell you something then?" "Yeah." "God talks to me." " Lucky you." " Right?" "That's the best response I've heard." "I mean, most people say, "don't be a liar,"" "or "hey, you should probably get your head examined."" "Well, whoever says that to you, pooh-pooh on them." " Pooh-pooh." " I think you're special." "Hey, pastor Jim." "Good morning, Jeremy." "God told me to tell you something, pastor Jim." "God talks to you too?" "I love you." "God says you're gonna live to be 242 years old, pastor Jim." "That's old." "Yeah." " Lucky me." " Okay, wait a minute." "When you said I was special, you didn't mean like Jeremy is special, right?" "Like, we feel sorry for him, right?" "Well, we're all God's children, Beth." "That makes us more alike than different." "Right." "Okay, look, I'm really trying to be a better person here, and I think that, if I'm coming here, that would help, but in order to do that, I'm gonna need you" "to tell me that God does not exist in that guy's chihuahua." "Oh, you've met Jeremy too." "Ah, Jeremy's great." "He once told me he could perform surgery on people in his mind and heal them." "Okay." "That's what I'm talking about." "Okay, I mean, because, what, that's nuts." "Beth, don't be rude." "We don't cast judgment here." "What are you talking about?" "You're a church." "I thought you specialized in judgment." "Look, I just need you to do one thing." "I need you to separate out me and Jeremy, 'cause I'm not the crazy one, okay?" "I mean, God talks to me, sure, but he does not talk to me through a toy chihuahua!" "God talks to me in my mind with a gender-neutral voice." "For all my trying to be good, there was no good coming of it." "And if God wanted to do the right thing with this coffeemaker," "God could come and get it." "You're worse that my ex-boyfriend that left me in Mexico with $3 and a chess set." "Point being you're not helpful." "Jenna's mad at me again, everybody else thinks I'm crazy, and I'm starting to believe them." "Look, I'm gonna try to be a better person, okay, but from now on, I'm gonna have to do it without you." "I mean, after all, you chose me without asking me first, which is flat-out rude, so from now on," "I'm just..." "I'm gonna treat you like the dog spelled backwards that I think you are, and I am going to ignore your undesirable behavior." "Oh!" "Oh!" "Honey, you're home." "Oh, I'm so glad." "Oh." "Unfortunately, I would soon find that, when God wanted to tell me something, it would be really hard to ignore." "From now on, Sunday night is family dinner night." "Maybe we could have our own family potluck." "Everybody could bring in something from the kitchen, and then we could all sit and talk and bond." "I want to talk about my affair." " Great." " Gross." "When a child finds out about a parent's affair, talking about it honestly can actually help bring the family closer." "Did you just recite something that you found on the Internet?" "That's correct." "Mm." "I want to get emancipated." " Shh." " Don't shush me." "I didn't mean to." "I'm sorry." "You're not getting emancipated." "It'll take a lot of pressure off of everybody, and then I can go stay at Riley's house." " Shh." " Just let me talk!" " Sure." " You're not gonna live at Riley's house, and you're not getting emancipated." "Riley's parents already said that I could stay with them." "Honey, being emancipated means you take care of yourself." "So what were you thinking of doing for a job?" "I don't know." "I could start a blog..." "Shh, shh, shh." "Both:" "Stop it, Beth!" " I'm sorry." "Continue." "You're talking to God, aren't you?" " Who?" " God." " Absolutely not." " You guys, I'm trying to have an honest conversation about a mistake in order to set you up for healthy, happy relationships in the future." "Shut up!" "Can I spend the night at Riley's?" " No." " Yes." "I'm gonna be the tiebreaker here, and I say yes, so good night, Tom." "Good night, Beth." "Honey, I think she needs her space." "Just call me, please, if you go anywhere other than Riley's." "Will do." "And that's how I really messed up." "I was so mad at God that I did exactly the opposite of what he/she was telling me to do." "I let Emily go." " Oh, hey, Elliot." " Hi, Beth." "I just wanted to see if Tom wanted to watch the game together." "Maybe." "He's in the garage." " Okay, then." " Okay." "Hey, you can get to the garage through the house." "It's faster." " Right." " Right." "Elliot, are you limping?" "Um, no, I just have an awkward gait." "But you are." "You're totally limping." "You have to tell me if you are." "You know, I slightly pulled my hammy, but it didn't hurt so much as felt like a life-affirming tickle." "So he waght." "Oh, no." "Please tell me that Riley and Emily are safely on the couch watching cats on the Internet." "No, Riley's at her piano lesson." "We haven't seen Emily since this afternoon." "Hey, Beth, are u drinking again?" "What?" "Am I wearing a kimono and talking about conspiracy theories?" "Then no." "I had a couple of beers in the mini fridge in the garage, and now they're gone." "Hey, Elliot." "Hey, man." "Tom, Emily isn't with Riley." "And her phone is in the house." "The good news is she has the beer." "Yeah, well, great idea, Beth, to give her all this space." "Who gives a teenager more space?" "Obviously a really bad mom, Tom, and that is what I am." "Give me a break." "I just sobered up five minutes ago, okay?" "I'll go make sure she hasn't come over yet." "I'm calling her friends." "I'll take the car and go look for her." "Let me know if you hear from her, okay?" "Thanks." "Where is she?" "Just... just tell me." "Just tell me where she is, and I'll..." "I'm sorry, I'm sorry," "I'm sorry, I'm sorry I told you to shut up." "I'm sorry I didn't listen." "Okay, if you tell me where she is," "I won't tune you out, okay, ever again." "I'll just..." "I'll listen." "You can tell me jokes in ancient aramaic, whatever you want, just..." "Just..." "Please tell me where my baby is." "Oh!" "Well." "Hey, there, everybody." "How's it going?" "Emily, aren't you supposed to be home writing your blog?" "Don't worry, Emily." "I got this." "Hello, Mrs. Harper." " Hello." " How you doing?" "I'm God." "Go away." "Listen." "Whether or not you believe that I hear voices does not change the fact that you all just got busted." "Whoo!" "Well." " How did you know I was here?" " I figured it out, Em." "You see, I used to drink here, so sadly for you, we're more alike than different." "Emily, you can stay at my house tonight if you don't feel safe." "Or you can stay at my house tonight." "Keep it in your pants." "Emily's coming home with me." "Listen, y'all have to go home to your homes, so dump all that stuff out." "Boo!" "Not only are you too young to be drinking, but once you get to be old enough, you have to be wary." "You're at a genetic disadvantage." "Mmhmm." "In more ways than one." "Oh, hey." "What are you doing with that?" "Yeah, I found it on the side of the road." "It's just like ours." "Now we can make double the double espresso." "It is ours, Tom." "I was trying to give it away." " Why?" " Because I stole it." "Okay?" "I stole it from Maggie, and she doesn't want it back." "And I can't stand looking at it and being reminded of my awfulness." "I have Emily to do that for me anyway." "Just give it to me." "No, no, don't... don't..." "Don't throw it away." "I have to throw it away." "Why?" "Come on." "It's okay." "I got it." "Keep it." "That's what he/she said in that moment." "Just keep it." "Go, go, go." "Go." "Go, go, go, go!" "No!" "Suck my..." "Hey." "Our power went out." "Do you guys have a generator or something?" "No." "I always think that's a great idea when I need one, but then when I don't," "I forget about it again." "Well, why don't we let everyone come into the light?" "Did you find Emily?" "I did." "Yes." "Thank you." "I brought over a pie we were going to have for dessert." "And I grabbed some biscotti." " Riley." " Hey, our lights went out." "And my iPad stopped working while I was looking at a picture of a cat dressed like Abraham Lincoln." "I know that one." "Wow, I'm so glad you're all here in my home." "It's been a while." "I know." "I know." "It's my fault." "You've all played such a significant role in my life and been so kind to me at one time or another." "And I hurt you, and I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." "I want to make up for it." "I really do." "I know you don't really have any particular reason to believe in me right now, but I'd really like to change that in time." "Because..." "In the words of the wisest chihuahua I ever met," "I love you." "I really do want to make this work." "Who wants an espresso?" " Oh, yeah." " I do." "Double, triple." "Here." "Just let me do it." "It's my machine."