"[###]" "Tell mewhatyou want." "You knowwhat I want." "[whispers] Say it." "I wanna hearyou say it." "[JANE moaning]" "I want a porch." "[lN NORMAL voice] Oh!" "A big, wide porch with weathered shingles." "[BRAD moaning]" "Yeah, and a dock." "Mm-hm." "A dark pine dock that goes on forever." "Just buy a lake house already so we can stop hearing about your big black dock." "Al." "ALEX:" "Oh, I get it." "I was supposed to say "big African-American dock."" "I'm sorry." "BRAD:" "Yeah." "Better." "2012." "Guys, scootch down." "[whispers] Daphne Wilson." "Daphne Wilson?" "I haven't seen her since fourth grade." "[lN NORMAL voice] She just moved back into our neighborhood and already she cornered me to go get tea with her." "Tea?" "What kind of loser drinks tea?" "Oh." "Oh, no." "Damn it." "She saw me." "I don't remember her being that bad." "It was easy for you to avoid her with your fancy freestanding house." "I had to live across the hall from her." "Oh, my God." "A tea party sounds amazing, but I have a Girl Scout meeting I totally can't resched." "I wasn't a Girl Scout, but to keep her from finding out," "I bought and resold Samoas until the GS of A sent a cease-and-desist letter." "What's so bad about her?" "She can never have a meaningless convo like a normal person." "She just keeps asking questions like she actually cares." "Ugh!" "Sounds like a monster." "You'll see." "But I think I came up with a pretty solid excuse as to why I can't have tea with her." "Penny, hi." "How's the turftoe?" "Day to day." "Oh, my God." "Jane, Alex, hi." "Hi." "DAPHNE:" "I haven't seen you in so long." "Congrats on your store." "I hear you're carrying a line ofwildly extravagant hand creams." "I knew Mom disapproved." "Why can't she just say it?" "Choose your battles." "DAPHNE:" "You guys." "What if I bring tea to your apartment and we catch up?" "Oh." "We would love that, but we can't have anyone to our place." "Water damage." "It turns out filling an air mattress with water does not a water bed make." "Oh, no." "Heh." "All right." "Well, catch you later." "Byes." "Oh, byes." "Byes all around." "Thank God that's over." "Why didn't you say you were busy?" "Then she would know I'm blowing her off." "A specific lie spares her feelings." "Plus it's easier." "I'll probably never see her again." "Hey, guys." "ALL:" "Oh!" "Ow." "Okey-dokey." "I left my bag." "Crazy me." "Ha, ha." "Catch you later." "Bye, girl." "BRAD:" "Oh..." "She sneaks right up on you, huh?" "PENNY:" "Whoo!" "Ha, ha." "Really, Mom?" "You show me a better price on diamond-infused hand cream and I will match it." "I'm serious." "Oh, so you drink tea?" "Who put this here?" "Waiter." "[###]" "[###]" "Penny." "Penny, wait." "Feel my hand." "It's diamond-soft." "Tell it to your mother." "Funny running into you here." "I came to see if I could help with your water damage." "I know a lot about mold." "You are so sweet, but it's all fixed." "New floors, new paint, our vintage ltalian Analyze That poster." "Cool." "Can I come in and see?" "Oh, that would be great, but we were actually headed over to Brad and Jane's." "I'd love to see them." "Can I come?" "To their lake house." "Sounds fun." "Can I come?" "Love to, but darn it, we can't." "Why not?" "Oh, uh, it's a two-bedroom." "It's little." "How little?" "So little the mice are like, "What's up?" "It's crowded here."" "They have little mice that can speak?" "No, it's just a turn of phrase." "Wow, that was amazing." "All I did was walk through the door." "No, I meant about last night." "Last night was amazing." "Oh." "Ha, ha." "Aha!" "I told you, no subletters." "[whispering] Damn it, Darren." "She's not a subletter." "She stayed the night." "You and Max have so many guys and girls parading around here." "It feels like one subletter." "How many girls?" "A lot." "No." "I, on the other hand, would love to take you out sometime, like a lady." "Heh." "Like a gentleman." "I'd be the gentleman and you would be the lady." "Thanks, but maybe some other time." "Okay." "You blew that for me, man." "Damn it, Darren." "What is your problem, man?" "[lN NORMAL voice] You're always hassling us." "You still haven't fixed the oven." "Too bad, Casanova." "I'll fix it when I fix it." "God." "[GRUNTS]" "Our stupid landlord won't fix the oven and keeps perving out on my chicks." "Yeah?" "Well, tell Darren to suck it because I just invented something awesome." "Check it out." "The trash can stove, or as I call it, the trove." "[DAVE coughing]" "Look at this brisket, huh?" "Only took 18 hours to cook, hickory-smoked, falling offthe bizzone and straight out ofthe trash." "Gonna call it a trisket." "Triscuit is already a thing." "Pretty sure the fumes from that will kill us in our sleep." "Yeah, butyou got to admit, in your sleep's a pretty chill wayto go." "[###]" "So you're staying here for a few days?" "I had to say something." "She literally cornered me." "Not cool." "Why did you say our lake house is little?" "She'll thinkwe hang our beach cruisers from hooks in the kitchen like savages." "You lied to herface and nowyou're hiding out forthree days so you didn't have to tell her you don't wanna have tea?" "I want her to think I'm nice." "Why?" "Schmoes like us need people to think we're nice." "It is all we've got." "The only people who get away with being mean are rock stars, brain surgeons or Mr. Phil." "You mean Dr. Phil." "Come on." "It's a PhD." "Everybody calm down." "Al, you can't stay here." "Our landlord's already on us about having too many people over." "But it'll be like Three's Company." "I'll be adorable Chrissy." "And Max can be hilarious Jack." "And you'll be Janet." "I'm not Janet." "BOTH:" "Classic Janet." "Stop it." "This is not Three's Company." "[KNOCK ON DOOR]" "Come and knock on our door." "DARREN:" "I know you're in there." "[whispers] It's our nosy landlord." "Hide." "[lN NORMAL voice] Hey." "I know you're hiding another girl." "I saw a cute blond coming up with luggage." "No, no." "There's no girl here." "Must have gone to some other apartment." "Then whose purse is this?" "Uh, that's, um" " That's mine." "I told you, Darren." "I am a gay man." "Are you?" "Because I've had my eye on you and you don't seem very gay to me." "Well, I am homosexual." "Super gay." "You had better be." "I don't know why I care so much, but I do." "I do." "Okay." "Great chat." "[sighs]" "Why are you nervous?" "You are gay." "I know, but I love low-stakes, classic '80s sitcom danger." "That was a close one, Max." "Sure was, Alex." "[###]" "Stretch." "Oh!" "Hi, Brad." "Why are you here?" "I thought you were at the lake house." "Yeah, we were." "Doing a big addition, by the way." "But why are you here?" "Oh, we had to come back early." "Oh, no." "Why?" "Uh, Jane was sick." "Oh, no." "Jane is sick?" "Is it serious?" "No." "I mean, Jane" " She was sick this morning, but now she's fine." "Jane was sick this morning, but now she's fine?" "Is Jane pregnant?" "[###]" "Mm-hm." "Congratulations." "Ouch." "[PANTlNG]" "Stop drinking wine and eating soft cheese." "You're pregnant." "Everyone's life is moving on but mine." "She's not pregnant." "But I told Daphne you were." "And she's on her way up here." "Why would you tell her I'm pregnant?" "No choice." "I had to explain why we weren't at our lake house." "We don't have a lake house." "I know." "But we're in the middle of a remodel." "Okay." "She literally cornered me." "Told you." "I just want her to think I'm nice." "So now you're lying too?" "Mm-hm." "[KNOCK ON DOOR]" "Okay, okay." "This is ridiculous." "You two may be terrified of people not liking you." "I'm not." "[MUMBLES] We'll see about that." "Jane, congratulations." "You're so tiny." "I can hardly tell you're pregnant." "PENNY:" "You do look great." "You can barely see my baby in her." "Now is not really a good time." "I am thrilled you felt close enough to tell me so early." "When we were kids, I had the impression you didn't like me much." "I always liked you." "I knew it." "I always had a suspicion that you were secretly nice." "I am nice." "You are." "Now you have to let me throw you a shower." "I would love that, but you can't." "Why not?" "Alex is already throwing me one tomorrow." "Wow, why so early?" "Serbian tradition." "We always do things early." "We never know when we'll have to pack up and murder a populace." "I love cultural traditions." "Yeah, they're fun." "So, yeah, it's just gonna be a small, intimate gathering at Alex's, you know, type of deal, sort ofvibe thing." "You can't do it there." "Paint fumes are bad for the baby." "That's a good point." "Thinking about the baby." "I have the best idea." "We should do it at myfriend Kat's restaurant." "I'll co-host with Alex and you can make it as big as you want." "Too generous, you are." "I'm gonna make the call and get to planning." "BOTH:" "Yay!" "Wait." "Great, I'm gonna have a baby shower." "BOTH:" "Yay!" "Wait." "Wait!" "Wait." "PENNY:" "Alex, please." "I can't co-host a fake baby shower for Jane with Daphne for you." "You have to." "Daphne is almost here." "You're the only one childlike enough to believe it could work." "I know, I love that about me." "But I can't host a fake baby shower." "That's gotta be bad luck somewhere." "Fine, so you want me to tell Daphne that you won't host it with her?" "She's gonna think I'm mean." "Or you can say you'll do it and seem nice." "I'm in." "This is gonna be fun." "Yes!" "I'll get a penis-shaped cake and a penis pinata." "Baby shower, not bachelorette party." "Right, right." "What penis stuff should I get?" "Oh, God." "Daphne's here." "She cannot know I am behind this." "The plan orthe counter?" "Both." "ALEX:" "Hey." "Al, are you as psyched as I am to be planning this together?" "Yeah, sure am." "Oh, no." "You're ambivalent." "And I know why." "Seeing Jane pregnant has made you regret turning down the greatest guy." "John Krasinski?" "Dave." "I always had the biggest crush on him." "John Krasinski?" "Oh, right." "No, Dave." "I can't believe you'd break Dave's heart." "I always thought you were too nice to do that." "No, I am nice." "I'm a lesbian." "Heh." "Great." "Congratulations." "Thank you." "You wouldn't mind if I asked Dave out?" "Uh, no, you don't wanna do that." "Why?" "What's wrong?" "He's dying." "[GASPS]" "[whispers] It's terminal." "Oh, no." "Let it out." "Dave." "Dave, do you remember Daphne Wilson from grade school?" "I knew it." "That's the blond I saw from before." "Nice try sneaking another girlfriend in here, hotshot." "Hey, I'm not just some blond." "I'm a bottle blond." "Really?" "Your hair looks so creamy and natural." "Well, it's not and he's not my boyfriend." "Wow, really?" "Okay." "Um, I was" "Then maybe I could make things up to you over dinner sometime." "Like, just whenever." "It could be any-- No, sorry." "Maybe some other time." "Another time, then." "Yeah." "All right, great." "Okay." "Okay, that'll be fun." "Okay." "See you." "Hey, Darren." "When are you gonna fix our stove?" "I'll fix it when I fix it." "Crap." "Damn it." "What?" "Couldn't lead him on until he fixed our stove?" "Chrissy would." "Max, life is not like Three's Company." "Aah!" "There's that pesky Daphne." "Hide!" "Run!" "[###]" "[ALEX GlBBERS]" "My trapple pie!" "Why did you tell her I was dying?" "I wanted to save you from having to go out with her." "Aw..." "What's so bad about her anyway?" "It's hard to say." "She's really nice, she's sweet, she's-- I get it." "[KNOCK ON DOOR]" "[whispers] I am not letting her think that I am dying." "I get to hide again." "I get to hide you." "Hee-hee-hee." "Dave." "Hi." "It's been a long time." "You look better than I expected." "I brought you hot soup and some ice chips." "And you call me ifyou need anything else." "I'm Max." "Hi." "How are you?" "I lost all my money to Bernie Madoff." "Oh, you poor thing." "[whispers] I wanted to be included so I came up with a lie." "Phone, please." "It is great to see you up and about." "[PHONE BEEPS]" "I put my number in your phone." "Call me ifyou need anything else." "[lN NORMAL voice] Look, I'm not dying." "Oh, that's the spirit." "Ow." "Byes." "[lN NORMAL voice] Goodbye." "Itwas nice ofyou to come here." "Thank you for being a good" "She's a demon." "Things have gotten out of control, but I know what to do." "End this insanity?" "Get our stories straight." "I told so many lies as a kid, the way I kept track was to write them in my Greetings Feline diary." "Greetings Feline?" "We didn't all have a fancy house filled with real Hello Kitty shwag." "Sorry." "Anyway, I called it my lie bible, or libel." "Idiot." "A libel is already anotherthing." "You're trying to patent trisket." "How about step off?" "David, don't." "Alex, you need to dress like a lesbian." "I'm gay." "You're three months along." "No, I am not pretending I am pregnant anymore." "This is not eighth grade gym class." "Throwing a shower for a fake baby is insane." "Jane, who loves to be the center of attention more than you?" "No one." "And Brad, you love improv and tiny clothes." "I can't think of another couple that is better suited to make a mockery out of such a joyous occasion." "Aw..." "Let's do it." "ALL:" "Yeah!" "[###]" "Aha!" "I knew it!" "An unlicensed cooking device." "I've been looking for a reason to get you out ofthis building and now I got the grounds to do it." "Oh, take it easy, baby." "Where's all this anger coming from, huh?" "Is it really about a serious danger to the building and its tenants?" "Or is it really about some kind of deep-seated loneliness and fear?" "Loneliness and fear." "That's what I thought." "I also happen to think that you are pretty into Alex." "And I happen to know that she is pretty into you." "She's not. "Maybe some other time" is a blow-off and I know it." "We will be at this party later." "And I know for a fact that she would love to see you there." "Really?" "Yeah." "Alex loves guys that show up at baby showers uninvited." "Cool." "Yeah." "Okay." "What else does she like?" "Salsa." "The dip or the dance?" "Both." "Why don't you take this?" "All right, thanks." "Yes." "That's herfavorite kind of salsa." "Cool." "Saves me a trip." "Oh, and you know what?" "Try to switch it up with the wardrobe." "Right now I can't tell the difference between your skin and your shirt and jacket." "You know what I mean?" "Hey, Top Gun." "Man, I can't do this." "Daphne is a nice person." "I'm gonna tell the truth." "We don't go through with this shower, Darren won't hook up with Alex." "He'll kick us out ofthe building." "It's a crazy plan." "I know, but this is a crazier plan." "DAVE:" "Max." "[###]" "Max, come on, man." "What are you doing?" "Bye." "Max." "Max." "WOMAN:" "Oh, it kicked." "Yeah." "I think it did kick." "You're right." "You're right." "Oh..." "Hi." "Hi, hi." "So apparently, I'm carrying high." "Heh." "I don't knowwhat that means." "Aren'tyou loving it?" "Great shower." "Yeah, I love it." "I mean, it's incredible." "But I still can't believe you'd rather go through all this than just tell Daphne the truth." "Trust me." "It's easierthis way." "Hey, Jane, love your coworker Susan." "Well, we love Jane." "Don't take too long a maternity leave or we'll cry more than the baby." "[ALL LAUGH]" "PENNY:" "Susan." "Get out of here, you two." "JANE:" "Oh, offyou go." "Who the fuzz was that?" "She's a professional seat-filler." "Yeah, I paid them all $20 to mingle festively and respond to social cues." "Plus they do get first dibs on centerpieces." "Oh, no." "A suit?" "Ha, ha." "Why does a baby need a suit, huh?" "Ha, ha." "Is he--?" "What, does he have a job?" "He's not fooling anybody." "He's a baby." "Tell him not to cut the tags." "They have to go back tomorrow." "Okay, okay." "I'm cutting these tags." "I'm never giving this back." "Hey, everybody." "What are you doing?" "I'm Ellen." "Oh, boy." "I figure if I gotta be a lesbian, might as well go straight to the top." "You are insane." "Am I?" "Alex, I want you to meet my friend Kat." "You guys are gonna love each other." "Hi." "Hey." "Let's grab a drink." "Great." "[whispers] I met somebody." "Oh, God." "You see, the beauty ofthe machine is that it cooks the food while it incinerates the magazines." "Ha, ha." "I'm basically a young, handsome Ron Popeil." "Where's Dave?" "I had to leave him at home." "He threatened to blow the operation." "Had to go Ghost Protes on him." "He needs to be here." "Well, he's not here, so" "Max, hi." "Oh!" "Hi." "Where's Dave?" "He took a real turn for the worse." "I'm sorry." "Oh, no." "Well, I'm gonna go call him." "No." "She'll call him, he'll tell her the truth and she'll realize what terrible people we are." "Relax." "I stole his phone." "Ha, ha." "You're not the only one that's good at this game, Emily Thorne." "Stop freestyling." "Leave the lies up to me." "Fine." "Then you figure out how to get my landlord to hook up with Alex." "What?" "No." "Not today." "Alex is busy pretending to be a lesbian." "Damn it." "I forgot." "That means Dave and I are gonna be out on the streets." "I'll have to find a trumpet, learn to play it until a music producer discovers my talent." "Dave won't have it so good." "He'll live life on the rails." "The cocaine rails." "Unfortunately, he will also be living on a train, making it difficult to do cocaine because you're bumping around." "You need-- Let me handle it." "Go and stall him." "Oh, no, they didn't." "Ha!" "Who's he kidding now?" "Yah!" "Ha, ha." "What's he gonna do, bust through some wood?" "Ha-ha-ha." "He's not a black belt, he's a baby." "Ha-ha-ha." "What the hell is this?" "A breast pump." "You'll need it when you go to work." "I don't know that I'm gonna be breast-feeding." "Uh, yeah, you are." "Ha, ha." "Plus you won't wanna go back to work for a while." "How do you know what I'll want?" "Just want me to stay at home and just pump my canisters?" "Technically, ifyou stay home, you won't need to pump canisters." "Okay." "Shut up, Susan." "[ALEX GRUNTS AND CHUCKLES]" "Alex, I need you out here now." "Times have a-changed, okay?" "Lesbians can use the ladies' room now." "Deal with it." "Listen, dope, I need you to tell Max's landlord that you'll go out with him." "Kat and I are hitting it off." "Pretend to be straight for 10 minutes." "Then you can go back to being gay." "It's not a choice." "Ow." "This isn't Three's Company." "You can't just transform a person by undoing a button and a ponytail." "Forget it." "She's not even here." "Yes, she is." "Look." "[CHUCHU MERCHAN'S "SALSA MAN" playing]" "Wow." "Go to her." "Alex loves a spicy dip." "The food or the move?" "Both." "Stop dancing." "But he's dancing." "I gotta hand it to you." "I'm really impressed." "You had a lot of plates in the air and kept them all spinning." "It's all thanks to my old libel." "Really gave me the confidence to pull this thing off." "Don't tell me how to raise my baby!" "Well, ifthat's how you feel, raise it yourself!" "No." "You guys have to stay together for the baby." "BOTH:" "There is no baby!" "[###]" "What's going on?" "I can explain." "Alex, what are you doing?" "Why are you dancing with this guy?" "Because I'm Ellen." "Heh." "And I'm straight." "So you're not attracted to me?" "No." "So you're attracted to me." "Nope." "Okay, what's going on?" "DAVE:" "Stop!" "[DAVE coughing]" "Dave, what are you doing out of bed?" "You look worse than ever." "I'm not dying." "I was just locked up next to a fume-emitting death machine." "Okay, I'm still working out some ofthe kinks, but it is a culinary game-changer." "Penny, what's going on?" "I've been lying to you, Daphne." "And I was so worried about hurting your feelings that I got everyone else to lie to you too." "The truth is, I don't wanna have tea with you." "Tea?" "What tea?" "From last week?" "Yeah." "And intermittently over the last 21 years." "Do I talk about tea that much?" "You do." "That is a fact." "WOMAN 1 :" "Thank you." "WOMAN 2:" "Thank you." "WOMAN 3:" "Thanks." "So you paid all these people to be here?" "Yes." "Except the caricaturist." "Thanks, Ira." "I am so sorry again." "You must hate me." "No." "I just don't understand why you wouldn't tell the truth." "I don't wanna have tea with someone who doesn't want to." "I would love to have tea with you." "Really?" "Yeah." "I'd like that." "[###]" "You know what, Daphne?" "Let's get that tea." "Maybe some other time." "[sighs]" "Dodged a bullet." "I don't have to get tea with her and she still thinks I'm nice." "But I've learned my lesson." "Nothing good ever comes from lying." "Well, actually, something good did come from it." "It made us realize there's something missing in our lives." "We're not entirely ready, but, I mean, who is, right?" "[ALEX  PENNY GASP]" "So we're just gonna go for it." "Guys, we're buying a lake house." "Yes!" "We're gonna be weekenders!" "I claim top bunk." "MAX:" "Yeah." "Yeah." "ALL [chanting]:" "Lake house!" "Lake house!" "Lake house!" "Lake house!" "Lake house!" "Lake house!" "Tired of cooking in a conventional oven?" "Tired of preparing the same old foods the same old way at the same old consistent temperature?" "Well, then the Trash Stove TM is for you." "But don't just blatantly trust me." "Ask my buddy, Dave." "Keep that thing away from me, dude." "Trash Stove TM." "It'll cook anything." "Goats, Chinese food, you name it." "FDA patent approval pending, but, hey, they haven't said no." "The Trash Stove TM." "Set it and forget it." "Don't forget it." "Gotta keep an eye on it or it will burn your house down." "The Trash Stove." "[###]"