"This is the "Onion News Network."" "Not watching is an act of defiance." "Our news radar is picking up stories from all over the country, right now..." "let's take a look at a few of them." "A workplace shooting at a Cleveland technology firm has saved company heads the discomfort of laying off twenty two people." "Jude law has shocked the world today, by coming out as a terrible actor." "And president Obama has announced plans to just coast through the rest of his term." "Safety's off." "You're entering the "Fact Zone."" "I'm Brooke Alvarez, and your brain is about to be broken and then reassembled in the "Fact Zone."" "Of course, our top story tonight is the continuing massive instability on wall street." "Instability on wall street." "Investors are reeling after the dow dropped a thousand points today, following a shocking report from the "associated press"" "that humans are fallible, imperfect creatures." "Quote, "frail and" ""prone to error."" "Stocks plunged across the board, as jittery investors rushed to withdraw their funds from all flawed mortal enterprise." ""Onion news network"" "financial reporter, Sam Kemmis, joins us now, from the money room." "Sam, how bad is it out there?" "It's bad, Brooke." "Even blue chippers, like aerospace and oil stocks, took major hits, right out of the gate this morning, when traders realized they're no more than the flimsy machinations of a faltering species, floating in an infinite sea" "of uncertainty." "Wow... and-and things only got worse, as the day wore on, right?" "That's right." "The true panic set in when federal reserve spokesman," "Arthur Levin, told reporters the fed would be incapable of intervening in the crisis, because it, too, is controlled by the trembling hand of man." "I don't know." "I don't know anything, all right?" "I just, uh, stand here, talking and talking, and I don't know if anything" "I've ever said is right." "And that caused an immediate 200 point tumble, we saw right around one P.M." "That's right, and it was then that Timothy Geithner walked out of the treasury building, screaming "we're all defective,"" "and immersed himself in a public fountain to, quote," ""bathe away his arrogance."" "And I also understand, Sam, that, as of this hour, many investors are just stumbling around wall street, dazed." "We've got some footage of that, right now." "I'm an ape, I'm a fool, mimicking God's action." "I would've jumped out the stock exchange window, but I didn't know if that was the right decision." "So, I'm just standing here, waiting for somebody to tell me what to do." "Why don't I put the money in Walmart?" "Why don't I put the money in Microsoft?" "Why don't I load the money into a God damn Cannon and shoot it at the moon?" "Does it really matter?" "No, no... no, it doesn't." "Now, some people are saying this sell off is uncalled for, like finance guru, Jim Cramer." "He said, quote," ""don't be afraid." ""Man's fallibility is" ""part of God's plan." ""So, therein, our flawed nature" ""becomes perfect."" "Uh-huh..." "I'm afraid most analysts aren't quite as bullish on the value of mankind." "And, of course," "Cramer has been wrong before." "Like, in 2008, when he predicted the market would not react to news that numbers are completely made up." "Well, yeah, that's true." "Okay, thank you, Sam." "Personally, self-doubt is something I just don't understand, but it does look like a real crisis out there." "A real crisis out there." "Well, the presidential election is still more than a year away, but it looks like there's a brand-new star emerging in the republican party." "Mike brant, a small businessman from Owensboro, Kentucky, whose earnest desire not to run for public office, has propelled him to the front of the pack." "Hey, uh, look, look." "I-I think this is some-there's some kind of misunderstanding here." "I don't-I don't know anything about politics." "No, no, no, no, really." "Look, I-I don't wanna-I don't wanna be-be a politician, okay?" "I-I-I can't... brant, brant, brant!" "Brant, brant, brant!" "Brant caught the attention of the national republican party, after he called the government totally useless, at a local city council meeting last week." "Conservatives across the country have praised" "Brant's straight talk and lack of interest in government as key qualifications for high office." "A post on the blog, hotair." "Com, praised brant, saying, quote," ""anybody who wants to be" ""in politics is obviously" ""already hopelessly corrupt." ""We need leaders like brant," ""who fight tooth and nail" ""to avoid becoming leaders."" "Brant's anti-Washington stance has gotten Republicans so excited, that hundreds of volunteers are showing up at Brant's home, ready to campaign for him and unwilling to leave." "Don't touch me, okay?" "I just wanna get my paper." "Very charismatic." "I can imagine voting for that guy, if I believed in voting." "Something I do believe in, though, is the fact that" "Tucker hope is currently over at the recon wall, with today's daily briefing." "Thank you very much, Brooke." "That actually means a lot to me, coming from you." "Coming from you." "Uh, let's start off in Washington, D.C., where president Obama has warned the American people today not to embarrass him when his European friends come to visit this weekend." "Slated to host French president" "Nicolas Sarkozy, and his wife," "Carla Bruni, beginning Friday, the president implored Americans to, please, just let him do the talking and not act like a bunch of classless idiots." "The president requests that you don't talk to the French about how you went to Paris when you were in college, because they won't care." "And don't try to talk to them about wine, because the French know so much more about wine than you will ever know, okay?" "Than you will ever know, okay?" "The president is also urging all movie theaters in the United States to play only independent art films, to make it look like that's something we're into." "And a bombshell" ""New York times" article this morning reported that" "Osama Bin Laden may currently be hiding near the set of the hit Pakistani tv show" ""Bin Laden live."" "U.S. intelligence obtained a copy of the press release from the Pakistan television corporation describing the show as, quote," ""Pakistan's most watched" ""daytime program," ""with Qur'anic readings" ""and the hit"" "'fatwah of the day'" ""from everyone's favorite" ""militant islamist."" "The memo contains a vast amount of evidence about bin Laden's whereabouts, including tv listings, billboards, and magazine interviews, which seem to indicate he may be hiding out on the set where the program is filmed" "before a live studio audience, every day, at noon." "And back to Washington, D.C., right now, where deputy fda commissioner, Steve Hoyer, announced today that the U.S." "Was, quote, "on its own,"" ""and that the fda was not" ""going to hold its hand" ""like a God damn child anymore."" "Take a look at this video here." "Take a look at this video here." "I don't give a rat's ass!" "Cram ding dongs down your face!" "Eat 'em five at a time!" "Eat out of the [Deleted]" "Garbage can, okay?" "Stand in front of the microwave with the door open, running!" "Here, eat all that [Deleted]" "Fake orange shit." "Go ahead!" "Oh, the fake [Deleted] Trash that you guys shove in your [Deleted] Pie holes!" "Eat that shit!" "Go get cancer!" "According to aides, according to aides," "Hoyer will be taking some time off to live on a small organic farm, in Peru." "Brooke." "Thanks, Tucker." "I can empathize with commissioner Hoyer." "It's not always easy trying to talk sense into millions of people." "Well, tensions with north Korea continue to mount today, after the rogue nation destroyed the entire continent of Asia, the entire continent of Asia, in a move, analysts say, could affect the diplomatic climate in the region." "According to the Pentagon, the impact of detonating nuclear weapons across the continent, on the already strained relations between north Korea and the rest of Asia, remains to be seen." "We strongly condemn, uh, north Korea's decision to, uh, murder four billion innocent people." "The president has stated tt he is personally disappointed, and will bring this issue up with the surviving members of the g.A., at their next conference." "At their next conference." "Expunging 95% of life from the Asian continent is a clear rejection of the six party talks that secretary of state" "Hillary Clinton recently proposed." "Chinese president, Hu Jintao, has yet to speak out about the attack, continuing a long pattern of his nation's inaction toward north Korean saber rattling." "Further complicating things are north Korea's ambiguous statements to the Western media." "We have now destroyed Asia." "Europe is next, with missiles to be launched this coming Thursday." "Then north and South America, in April." "In April." "It's been reported that north Korea still possesses dozens more nuclear warheads." "Something that will certainly come up when the u.N. Security council meets next month." "Well, clean-up crews are continuing their efforts today to contain the massive high fructose corn syrup spill, high fructose corn syrup spill, now covering an estimated two hundred square Miles." "Stanley brown, the ceo of the golden maid corn syrup company, responsible for the spill, has found himself at the center of a fire storm of criticism recently." "Mr. brown joins us here, now, in the "Fact Zone."" "In the "Fact Zone."" "Hello." "Mr. brown, your company continues to claim that this massive high fructose corn syrup spill is really not as bad as the media is saying." "Is that right?" "That's right... that's right." "That's right... that's right." "Uh, the fact is, corn syrup is natural." "It comes from corn." "It's, nutritionally, the same as sugar." "So, I do think people are really overreacting." "Okay, but, Mr. brown, this corn syrup is actually killing plants and wildlife." "Thirty people have drowned in it, so far." "Now, hold on." "Those are some pretty wild claims." "This is what we know." "High fructose corn syrup is just fine, in moderation." "Is just fine, in moderation." "Now, if people eat more than the recommended daily allowance, either because they're trapped beneath a wave of it, or because they love the sweet taste, that's their decision." "Okay, so, you're saying that your company's not responsible for the drowning's." "Responsible for the drowning's." "Look, there hasn't been one study done on the effects of being completely submerged in high fructose corn syrup." "So, at this time, we can't say for sure what killed those people." "So, you're still maintaining you're being victimized by the media." "Well, we are." "Uh, just last week, papers were running attack stories, with photos of me, spending time with my family." "Oh, spending time with your family." "Well, Mr. brown, you were riding a waverunner right through the flood, during rescue efforts." "I guess I just don't see what all the fuss is about." "Corn syrup is a delicious, all natural source of nutrition." "Being immersed in it sounds like heaven to me." "All right, thank you for your time, Mr. brown." "Thank you." "Well, we need to take a break now, so it's a good time to email us and tell us what you think about James Spader's new social networking site, where you can become friends with James Spader." "We're back in just a moment." "I suggest you use the break to get a hold of yourself, and figure out what you're doing with your life." "Just because the stock market crashed today, doesn't mean that, uh, mankind can't produce totally flawless things." "Just think of, uh, the album" ""Aja," by Steely Dan." "I never mess with the stock market." "I throw all my extra money directly into the ocean." "Put it in God's hands." "Put it in God's hands." "Those were average Americans reacting to the dow crash earlier today." "Clearly, a lot of people feeling unnerved." "Feeling unnerved." "For years, scientists have been unable to explain why this typeface is so funny." "But, a recent neurological study has shed light on the mystery of comic sans." "Stuart Adams has the story, in "the lab report."" ""Printer broken."" ""Please keep" ""refrigerator closed."" ""Employees must wash hands."" "Ordinary messages become side-splittingly funny when written in comic sans." "But, why?" "At Princeton university, psyclogists have been trying to answer that question for years." "For years." "We showed volunteers sentences in comic sans, and had separate control groups who read the same passages, written in fonts like times new Roman or Palatino." "No other fonts elicited uproarious laughter like, uh, comic sans did." "A major breakthrough came when Nicholson had people look at sex sentences in languages they could not read." "Then, I knew that it was actually something to do with the shapes of the letters, themselves, that was making the messages so funny." "It turned out that, when people read comic sans, the same areas in the brain light up, as when they view fat people or penguins." "Scientists hope this will lead to a cure for the tens of thousands of people driven permanently insane after trying to read wingdings." "Snowflake." "The mailbox, again." "Crosses, crosses." "What does it mean?" "Stop... what does it mean?" "For "the lab report,"" "I'm Stuart Adams." "I'm Stuart Adams." "Comic sans always tickles my funny bone." "Of course, my favorite font is papyrus, because it makes me feel like an avatar of Amun-ra." "Now, for a story from outside the mainstream media ecochamber, let's check in with the "Fact Zone's"" ""eye on the nation,"" "which, tonight, comes to us from w-o-n-n five, in pennington, Illinois." "Well, for all those skeptics out there, you were right." "The string of recent ufo sightings, here in pennington, have turned out to be nothing more than a hoax, carried out by aliens." "Everyone can breathe a sigh of relief." "That's right, Blake." "The unidentified flying objects we've all been worried about were just a prank, perpetrated by our local immature extraterrestrials." "Ground run manager, Tim Seidell, and his dog, gladiator, discovered the truth about the fake UFO's, when they came upon a suspicious looking bin, out by the quarry last night." "When Tim and sheriff Dan Stevens opened it, they found a remote control, glow-in-the dark frisbee, with three l.E.D. Lights on it." "I knew, when this whole thing started, I said," ""this isn't a spaceship."" "This is just a bunch of" ""aliens screwing around."" "And, there you go." "I was right." "Amateur astronomer," "Doug Kranowitz, even got some footage of the aliens flying the frisbee last night." "Mayor sue Hallinan eased residents' fears of new aliens earlier today." "Only spaceship in pennington is the one that brought the aliens here originally, and it has not moved from lot 14 of the shady crest mobile home park since it got here." "End of story." "End of story." "Well, that's certainly good news, Diane, but does anyone know how they managed to fake all the abductions?" "Unfortunately, those seem to be very real." "The ufo hoax is just what the aliens have been doing with their downtime, when they're not disemboweling human specimens." "I see." "I see." "Always nice to check in with what's going on with regular Americans." "At least, that's what my producers tell me." "Okay, right now, we're getting an incoming news blast on suddenly popular gop figure, Mike brant." "Mr. brant has reportedly just taken the stage in louisville, Kentucky, to address his supporters." "Let's go that, live." "Let's go that, live." "I'm not running for anything!" "There's just no way, no how!" "Please-please, just let me go home!" "You don't want someone like me representing you." "I don't even-I don't even read the newspaper, okay?" "I don't know what's going on in the world." "I-I-I don't know how to do math." "Look, look, look, look." "Do you want someone like me in Washington?" "But I'm just some guy." "Just some guy!" "Just some guy!" "Just some guy!" "Please?" "Just some guy!" "Tomorrow, brant hits the road tomorrow, brant hits the road for his 40-city," ""no, I'm not going, so I'm not" ""gonna give it a name"" "speaking tour." "Okay, we need to take a quick break, right now." "But, don't forget." "You can stay connected with the "Onion News Network"" "online." "If you log on, right now, you can see an exclusive preview of our upcoming one-hour special," ""America's fat bitches."" "An investigative report into the growing national problem of fat bitches." "Don't lose sight of the "Fact Zone,"" "among all the lies out there." "We'll be right back." "Your handsome face is back in the "Fact Zone."" "With the national debt hitting historic levels, today, congress is debating a controversial new bill, a controversial new bill, which could save billions in federal spending each year, by cutting 12 states from the union." "Political analysts have been weighing in on the issue all day here, all day here, on the "Onion News Network."" "But what do regular folks think about the bill?" "Well, to find out, let's check in with the average" "Americans we keep on hand, here in the "Fact Zone."" "Hello, again, guys." "Now, you're not experts." "You're just regular Americans that we've brought in off the street." "What are your reactions to the state cutting proposal?" "The state cutting proposal?" "Ugh." "Roger?" "Water." "My grandkids don't know where I am." "Okay, the proponents of the bill are saying that it's a great way to rid America of some of the dead weight states, like Rhode island, Montana, north Dakota." "Do you agree?" "Yes, yes, I agree." "I agree with it." "Pamela?" "Sure, I agree." "Whatever you want." "Roger?" "Can we please go home?" "Okay, Roger." "The people in Washington don't care what I think." "They care what you, the real voters, think." "So, this is your chance to tell them what you think about this bill." "Uh, do you agree with it, or not?" "Sure..." "I agree with it." "Me, too." "Roger, that is not an answer." "Come on, man." "Just answer her!" "Fine..." "I agree with the plan!" "Uh-oh." "See, now, the censors are indicating that-that you're lying, Roger, and that's not allowed." "We need real answers, from real Americans here." "Come on, man." "Just answer her." "You're making it worse for everyone, Roger." "I don't like it!" "There you go... okay." "So, basically, two out of three regular Americans are for the state cutting proposal." "Great... now, guys, this is a very important story, obviously, but we also recognize that there are other issues that are important to you, right now." "What are some of those..." "Louis?" "Uh, I guess, the economy, uh, jobs." "Okay, good." "Economy and jobs are important to Louis." "Roger?" "Less pain." "Less pain..." "Pamela?" "Killing you and escaping!" "So, basically, a wide range of issues here." "A wide range of issues here." "Listen up, Washington." "This is real America talking." "Thanks so much, guys." "I am going to kill you." "I swear to God." "I am going to find a way... well, we'll check back in with them and see how their opinions have changed, once they've had their feeding." "But, now, here's a truly inspiring story." "For years, Amanda McCormick, of Reno, Nevada, had only one goal in life... to sleep with nba star" "Lebron James." "Jim and Tracy, over at "today now,"" "talked this morning, with Amanda, about her amazing journey." "About her amazing journey." "Amanda, when did you first know your dream was to sleep with Lebron James?" "Well, I first saw Lebron play basketball on tv when I was 18, and I was like, "he's so hot." ""I'm totally gonna do him."" "Wow!" "I scrimped and saved for nine months." "Like, no manicures, no taco bell, until I could afford a plane ticket to Miami." "I read how Lebron has this promoter friend who owns a club there, and Lebron hangs out at it all the time." "So, I was like," ""I am gonna go there," ""and I am gonna ride that man."" "Amazing!" "But, at the club," "Lebron, of course, was in the vip section, and this huge frickin' bouncer guy wouldn't let me in." "Oh, no!" "Yeah." "So, I stood there for, like, an hour, bugging the bouncer guy." "I was like, "dude, come on."" "Wow!" "Now, did you ever feel like giving up?" "No way." "Yeah, by this point, you'd come so far." "I mean, you couldn't stop." "Right!" "So, finally," "I was able to convince the bouncer to let me in by giving him my iPod." "And I walked right up to Lebron, and I was like," ""I'm gonna make you scream," ""poppy."" "And that's when he took over and made your dream come true?" "Well, no, 'cause he was like," ""uh, no thanks."" "So, I started sending him over more drinks, and more drinks." "Amazing!" "Oh, my goodness!" "And, finally," "I saw him get up and go into the vip bathroom." "And I was like, "this is it."" "Like, "this is my moment."" "And was it?" "No." "He still wouldn't do it with me." "So, I started hitting myself in the face." "I told him that if he didn't do it with me, right then and there, that I'd tell everyone he beat me up, and then he'd be in big trouble." "And it totally worked." "We had sex, right there on the counter, right by the sinks." "That's just incredible." "You must be so proud of yourself." "It must have felt like you'd conquered Kilimanjaro." "Oh, you mean, the promoter guy?" "Yeah, well," "I ended up blowing him, too." "But, whatever." "I had sex with Lebron James." "I can only hope my daughters grow up to have as much tenacity as you." "I almost slept with" "Daryl hall in 1978, but I fell off the fire escape, trying to climb into his hotel room." "Sadly, that was the end of my dream." "Now, as you know, here in the "Fact Zone,"" "as on all programs on the "Onion News Network,"" "we take pride in bringing you accurate, unbiased news, and that's why we feel it's our duty to highlight particularly egregious examples of irresponsible journalism." "Such as, the misleading story fox news' Shepherd Smith reported this week about Clyde." "The incredible cat who found his way back home, after being lost for more than three years." "Take a look." "Clyde the cat has had quite the journey." "Disappearing from his home on the island of tasmania three years ago, when he was just one." "Right off the bat," "Smith misinforms viewers about the most rudimentary detail of this inspiring feline's extraordinary tale." "Clyde's age, at the time of his disappearance." "Our media monitor team flew to tasmania, where a simple 15-second review of the cat's vet records revealed he wasn't one year old when he went missing." "He was just three days over 11 months." "Simply appalling." "But, don't think fox's botching of this important story ends there." "Smith then goes on to describe how Clyde disappeared from his home in Eddyston, only to end up in north queensland." "Wrong, again." "A telephone interview with the cat's owner revealed Clyde went missing while she and the cat were visiting family here, in Ballarat, on the Australian mainland." "But, what comes next, is the most egregious example of shoddy animal journalism of all, where Smith reports that the cat chirps." "A chirping cat... maybe that's his secret." "We computer analyzed" "Clyde's vocalizations, and found that each one was a simple, short, staccato meow." "No different than those produced by any other cat, except for their length." "Shape up, fox news." "Americans turn to the media for fair, truthful, and accurate stories about pets." "It's time to either step up to the plate, or get out of the game." "We need to take a short break." "But, first, we do have an incoming update on rising republican star," "Mike brant." "He's reportedly gone missing." "He was being driven from his speech, when he jumped from the car and went into the underbrush, in a move which analysts expect to increase his approval rating as much as ten percent." "We'll be right back." "Keep it locked on the "Fact Zone."" "Welcome back into the arms of fact." "We've just received some good news now, on the stock market crash." "The past few minutes have seen a massive surge in after hours trading, following a show of unfettered hubris by federal reserve chairman," "Ben bernanke." "Mr. bernanke released this statement, just moments ago." ""Mankind is all powerful." ""We cannot be stopped!"" "Witnesses report the fed chief then pumped his fist in the air and thrust his hips back and forth." "The market is expected to show huge gains at the opening bell tomorrow." "Okay, that's all the time we have in the "Fact Zone."" "But, over on the Cressbeckler stance," "Joad Cressbeckler has a very special guest, right now." "Special guest, right now." "Rising gop star, Mike brant." "Oh, that's right, miss madame!" "Friends of old Joad come up on him going through some BlackBerry bushes, down in there Louisiana." "And they roped him up with some sisal twine, so we can jaw a spell." "Wonderful." "Your bindings ain't too tight, is they?" "Please, just bring my family back home safely, okay?" "Look, Sara, milo, Alice," "I will find you, okay?" "Please, just let my family go." "Stop prepping them for interviews!" "Please?" "This young buck's gonna" "*****" "***** all right, Joe." "I'm sure that'll be a fascinating conversation." "Well, that's all the time we have here on the Fact Zone, but that doesn't mean free rein to watch whatever you want." "You still belong to us." "Good night."