"Achtung!" "Britisher Ship!" "Prepare to fire!" "Fire torpedo eins!" "Thank you." "Just one more, thank you." "Thank you." "One more, please." "Thank you." "Quick, driver." "Straight on." "Wait a minute." "One more, sir." "Thank you." "Thank you, one more please." "Thank you." "...can I just have one more, please..." "I'm terribly sorry my dear, I've had a simply dreadful day at the office." "A dreadful day." "Pity, they all came out a bit blurred." "Still, it's his fault for moving I suppose." "The Gofongo, if you please, is a fish with singing knees, and a tail that plays the Spanish clarionet." "He has toes that whistle tunes, and explode like toy balloons." "Hence his many, many visits to the vet." "The Gofongo, when he likes, swallows jam and rusty bikes, orange pips, and treacle pudding, boiled in glue." "He loves chips with rusty nails, and can swallow iron rails, that is why they cannot keep one in a zoo." "But Gofongo as a pet would cause panic and regret." "People tried it, and were nearly driven barmy." "For once inside a house, he screams "I'm a jewish mouse"," "Then he runs away, joins the arab army." "Hi friends." "Tonight I want to appeal to you on behalf of the natural preservation society," "a group dedicated to the protection of each of the... species that in- habit this planet." "And here, Bengal tiger, nature's finest creatures." "Javanese rhino, in danger of extinction." "And tonight I want to talk to you about a species that might disappear before even the tiger and the rhino, before we even realise there is a problem." "The British Aristocrat." "We took our camera team to a nobility sanctuary," "Spongling Manor, home of Lord Plumdink." "A happy haven for aristocrats, all relations of lord Plumdink." "But sadly he himself is unmarried and without male issue." "This is part of our mission." "We're in luck." "The dual coronet reveals, that this is the head of the family himself:" "Lord Plumdink." "The sight of our camera car has frightened him away." "It was to be several hours before we were finally rewarded." "Mouldering, butler to nobility for many years, and now our guide, spotted a pride of peers at play." "And here we see him attempting to lure the aristocrats." "Our hearts were in our mouths as they emerged from hiding." "They'd obviously caught wind of the bait." "Their capes flooded with excitement at the scent of cucumber sandwich." "We're in luck:" "Lord Plumdink, Lady Ann, his sister, and her son, Peregrine, have taken the bait." "They have come for tea." "With the aid of our hidden camera we were able to take some unique shots of our aristocrats eating." "Our camera crew moved a little nearer." "It was at this moment that some strange, primeval instinct told Lord Plumdink of our presence." "That his territory was being threatened." "We had learned that it was essential to win the confidence of Lord Plumdink and his family." "American aristologists have found that the English aristocrat is invariably attracted by the dollar bill." "This proved a sure way to bring our noble prey right up to the camera car." "Having gained his Lordships confidence, we are ready for our prime objective:" "Meat." "Lord Plumdink must have an heir." "There is no suitable mate in England, so we flew over a Russian countess." "The authorities in Europe who kindly came to our assistance assured us that her credentials were fully authenticated." "To our surprise, and disappointment, lord Plumdink at first showed little interest in the great lady." "But the resourceful Mouldering tempted him with genuine 18 carat Romanov jewellery." "The ice was broken." "Mouldering assures us that all is going well." "The aristocratic mating ritual is well underway." "We returned nine months later." "Success!" "A new aristocrat is born!" "Lord Plumdink proudly announces the birth of his heir to his faithful workers." "The duke is dead, long live the duke." "Now to keep this race alive, the natural preservation of aristocrats fund needs your money." "Without this money lord Plumdink, and many like him, will simply disappear." "The choice is yours." "Goodnight." "Once upon a time there was an undertaker named Melmoth." "Then there was the competition, an undertaker called the original Melmoth." "It was a very grave situation." "To make matters worse, no-one had died in their town for a very long time." "So they tried to create their own trade." "At last someone had died." "Things were looking up, at least for one of them." "Finally good sense prevailed, two little unsuccessful firms became one big unsuccessful firm." "And they lived happily ever after." "On the Ning Nang Nong Where the Cows go Bong!" "and the monkeys all say BOO!" "There's a Nong Nang Ning Where the trees go Ping!" "And the tree tops jibber jabber joo." "On the Nong Ning Nang All the mice go Clang" "And you just can't catch 'em when they do!" "So its Ning Nang Nong Cows go Bong!" "Nong Nang Ning Trees go ping" "Nong Ning Nang The mice go Clang" "What a noisy place to belong is the Ning Nang Ning Nang Nong!" "Ding Dang Dong, Ding Dang Dong, Ding Dang Ding Dang Dong." "Tsssh." "Well, that's about it for this week." "See you again next week." "I'd like to thank everybody on the show, but above all," "I'd like to thank you, for inviting me into your living room." "I never invited him in, did you?" "I thought he was with you." "I don't know anybody who dresses like that."