"(Alan) Why are they sending me these catalogs?" "Geriatric Discount Warehouse?" "I mean, this isn't Victoria's Secret." "What's New in Life Support?" "How did I get on this mailing list?" " Have you sent away for something?" " No." "Well, maybe I sent away for some high-potency vitamin E..." " What's that for?" " For you." "It's a guy thing." "It makes you more... durable." "Oh, really?" "How much do you take?" "All of it." "That is so sweet." "But it must've made them think you're a few years older than you are." " Depends." " Depends on what?" "Depends. 46 diapers, $29.95." "Alan!" "There's a picture of a guy waterskiing in them!" "This couldn't be a "fear of aging" thing, could it?" " Oh, no." "Because I'm not aging." " Neither am I." " Dudes!" "Where are you guys off to?" " We're gonna shoot some hoops." " You want some actual competition?" " Yeah." "Who do you know?" "Can you be funny like that with a basketball stuck in your mouth?" "Ooh." "I'd like to see that." "Listen, would you do me a favor and call these people and get me off this old fogeys' mailing list while I play a little b-ball with my homies?" "Honey, what are you doing?" "(strained) Nothing." "What's wrong?" "I can't move." "Am I the only one not moving?" "All right, I'm gonna call the doctor." "I think you threw your back out." "Oh, no, no." "Never throw my back out." "I'm too young to throw my back out." "I got... play some b-ball with my homies." "Am I outside yet?" "Thus, the transcontinental railroad spelled the end of the Pony Express." "Mail service was faster, more reliable." "Letters no longer had to be passed from hand to hand." "These just in." "Ms. Wilder wants to know what Ms. Harrington thinks she should wear to her party." "Ms. Harrington wants to know what makes Ms. Wilder think she's even invited." "Ooh." " I'm not invited?" " We'll just see, OK?" "Mr. Matthews wants to know "Is this going to be a make-up party?"" "Well, sure, Cory." "You can borrow my lip gloss." ""Out"!" "Not "up"!" "A make-out party." "Ah, so it is." "Mr. Matthews wants to know if this is going to be a make-out party." "Not for him." "I blew it, Shawn." "There's no way Melissa's gonna invite me to her party now." "So Feeny cut you off at the knees." "People will forget." "You'll get invited to the next party." " You think?" " Yeah." "This is high school - too much going on to remember anything." "Don't think I forgot about you, baboon." "Don't think I forgot about last Tuesday- you sat in my chair in the cafeteria." "I'm sorry, Harley." "I didn't know it was your chair." "Everybody knows that's Harley's chair." "Everybody knows it's always been Harley's chair and it's always gonna be Harley's chair every year that he's a senior." "Ain't that right, Frankie?" "What are you sayin'?" "I like my sister?" "No, no!" "I'm not sayin' that." "I'm just sayin' you have a very... close family." " Hey, where ya goin'?" " I wanna call home." " Is he gonna be OK?" " He's got a few issues." "I, on the other hand, have one issue - and that's you, baboon." "I don't like you." "I look at your face and I wanna hit it." "Is that so wrong?" "So there I am, finals of the chess tournament, a mere three moves away from checkmate, and out of nowhere I swallow my rook." "Pardon me." "It's my 11 o'clock." "You know, I almost wish he did kill me this time." "How come?" "Then I wouldn't be here to be humiliated when I'm not invited to the party." "You're sounding just a little bit whiney." "Shawn, this is the first party of our high-school lives." "I mean, it'll divide our class into two groups - those who were invited, the cool guys, and those who weren't, the geeks." " You're losin' it, Cory." " Yeah, I'm losing my whole future." "No one will talk to me ever again." "I might as well grow a hump and find a tower and ring the bell." "Don't worry, man." "There's always room on our couch for you." "I thought your Uncle Frank was on the couch." "No, not anymore." "He won the lottery and stopped talking to us." " Really?" "What did he win?" " Six bucks." "Don't look now, but the Pony Express just pulled into town." "Oh, no!" "She's handing out the invitations." "(dramatic music)" "Shawn, there's been a miracle!" "Yeah, whatever." "Come on, let's go." "We're gonna be late for class." "Class?" "!" "We don't need no stinkin' class." "Our futures are set." "We are high-school gods." "Come, let us repair to the gym and rejoice in our invitations." "It's gonna be kinda hard, since I didn't get one." " What?" " I didn't get an invite." "No biggie." "There's gotta be a mistake." "You're the coolest guy in class - you've gotta be invited." "Yeah, well, looks like I'm not." " I'm gonna find out what happened." " Let it go, OK?" "Just let it go." " You want me to ask her?" " Yeah, would you?" "Hi." "I'm Cory." " So?" " So you invited me to your party." " What do you want?" " I think you made a mistake." "No, it's not a mistake." "You're really invited." "No, I mean about Shawn." "You forgot to give him his invitation." "No, I didn't." "He's not invited." "OK?" "So what's the story?" "Right, look." "From what I gather, in the last three seconds... everything in the world has changed." " What do you mean?" " I'm not sure." "I mean, Shawn, you're much cooler than I am." " At least, I thought you were." " Trust me, I am." "Then how come I got invited and you didn't?" "So I really didn't get invited?" "Unless it's a big surprise party for you." "I guess it's just one of those high-school mysteries." "Like how Janitor Bud lost his eye." " Well, what are we gonna do?" " You're gonna go to the party." "I'm not goin' to a party that you're not invited to." "Oh, don't sweat it, Cory." "I'll go grab a burger at Chubby's." " No, you won't." " And why won't I?" "Because I'm cool now, which means I run with a very influential crowd." "Which means all I do is pick up this telephone, pull a few strings and get you invited to the party." "Who are you gonna call?" "Well, normally I'd call you." "Yeah, it tried to eat my money too." "You gotta kick it." "No, no, no." "Punish it, make it beg." " Pretty good for the new teacher." " Oh, you think so, huh?" " So how d'you think I'm doing so far?" " You teach English pretty good, and I guess that may come in handy somewhere down the line." "Sí." "Es muy importante." "But what's more important is what to do when you get invited to a party and your friend doesn't." " How good a friend?" " Your best friend." " How good a party?" " The best." " What if you go without your friend?" " He says he won't mind." " You believe him?" " I wanna believe him." " 'Cause you wanna go to the party." " Yeah." "Sounds like you've made up your mind." "What do you need advice from me for?" "Look, you're new here, so you wouldn't know this, but I never really actually thought of myself as cool before." " You never did?" " No." "So, now that people are saying I am, it kinda makes me feel good, you know?" "Well, you should feel good, Matthews." "Just don't get carried away by what other people think." "Of course not." "Why not?" "'Cause that wouldn't be cool." "Vandalizing school property, Mr. Matthews." "That'll be one day's detention." "I'll just keep this as evidence." "The Buddy Ebsen Low Low Impact Workout Video." "(Amy) He's in here, George." "Why don't you ask him yourself?" "Ah, Alan, there you are." "I was wondering if you'd care to join me for a little workout down at the health club." "What for, George?" "For health?" "Too late." "I turned 40, my back went out." "All I can do is lie on this couch and wonder how Angela Lansbury solves all those crimes." " Oh, get up, man." " Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh..." "Quiet." "You're a disgrace to all men." "Amy, he's killing me!" "All right, come on." "You don't even have to work out." "Just come down and sign up." "I get $50 for each referral." "Well, I'm only a school teacher." "Well, you may be in denial about your age, but I'm not." "I turned 40, my back never went out before, and this is a warning sign." "It means slow down, lie on the couch and listen to the hair grow in your ears." "Sorry." "Did all I could." "Throw some dirt on him and book a cruise." "Alan, the doctor says that the only reason you can't move is because you won't try." "Now, I am your wife and I have all the sympathy in the world for you, but if you don't get off that couch," "I am gonna leave you for the first thing that moves." "Before you go, could you hand me that remote?" " That's it, that's it." " Oh, no, no, please..." "Yeah, yeah, come on." "Oh..." "Oh..." "Oh..." "Oh..." "Oh..." "Oh..." "Oh..." "Mom, Dad?" "It's not even dark yet." "Upstairs." "Do homework." "Sorry- it's Friday night, and there's a party out there that's just callin' my name." "Boy-girl, don't you know." "Oh, well, excuse me, Wilt Chamberlain... but what party is this that I don't know about?" "Mother, Father, there's a social event tonight at Melissa Harrington's." "Might I attend?" " Well..." " Let him go, Amy." "Cory, I'll pick you up in five hours." " You will?" " Yeah." "I'm leaving right now." "(gargles)" "(swallows/screeches)" "What, are you crazy?" "You swallowed that?" "I'm taking no chances tonight." "I want this stuff in my stomach on reserve." "Why?" "'Cause I'm going to a make-out party." "If I burp... minty fresh." "OK, I guess if you think about it, it makes sense." " Hey, where's my deodorant?" " In my pants." "You're sick." " I'm cool." " Since when?" "Since Melissa Harrington invited me to her party." " Who's Melissa Harrington?" " Only the coolest girl in 7th grade." " And you got invited?" " I did." " So that makes you cool too now, right?" " I believe it does." "Well, how about that?" "I mean, you live with somebody and you think they're gonna stay a curly-haired little runt the rest of their lives." "Then you turn around and one day they're cool." "Wait, come here, let me look at you." "Whoa." "I mean, you didn't say you were this cool, Cor." "All right, knock it off, Eric." "You are so cool I'm gonna have Mom cut all the feet off your pajamas, 'cause you just may be ready, Mr..." "Coolio Iglesias." "Huh?" "If I'm so cool, I'm sure you wouldn't mind me using some of your very cool cologne." "Hey, stay away from my Rampaging Stallion." "What are you doing?" "!" "(Alan sniffs)" "What's that smell?" "Oh, my God, I'm rotting!" "Relax, Dad." "It's just my Rampaging Stallion." "What do you think?" "I think if the party doesn't have adequate ventilation, you're all gonna die." " Mom?" " I think you smell very rampaging." "Now, be sure to thank Melissa's parents when you leave the party." "OK." " Call Shawn, tell him we're on our way." " Er, Shawn's not going." " Is he sick?" " No, he's fine." "He just wasn't invited." "Well, why not?" "I don't know." "I guess he wasn't cool enough." "But you are?" "Look, I don't make these decisions about who's cool and who's not." "I just got invited to a party and I wanna go." "In fact, Shawn said to go." "I hope you know, Cor, that it's cool not to forget who your real friends are." "Look, just because I'm growing up doesn't mean I'm gonna change, OK, Alan?" "Ooh..." "Ooh-ooh-ooh!" "Oooh-ooh-ooh!" "Hi." "I'm Cory." "(loud) Good evening, Cory Matthews." "Welcome to my home." "I'm so happy you could be here." "Er... (loud) You're welcome." "So, who's here?" "Who's hot?" "No one." "Hey, Alvin." "Hey, Simon." "Hey, Ubaldo." "Yep, the competition is pretty thin so far." "Looks like I'm the coolest guy here." "Yeah, rub it in." "I'm the coolest guy here..." "Oh, no." "(echoing) It's a geek party!" "But they're just the first guys here, right?" "I mean, the rest of us cool guys are coming later, right?" "I wish." "Excuse me, there's a bug in the onion dip." "I know" " I put it there." "OK?" "Oh." "OK, thanks." "You know, I'm looking at your party guests and I can't help noticing that there's not exactly a cross-section of the student body." "My parents went over the guest list and took off all the cool guys." "So that's why you didn't invite Shawn." "Well, Shawn was the first person off the list." "See, 'cause Mom and Dad think that guys like Shawn are a little... unpredictable." "Yep, that's us." "Unpredictable." "You never know what we're gonna do next." "Blaaaa!" "Sometimes I'm so unpredictable I surprise myself." "I knew this was gonna happen." "Once Mom and Dad nixed all the guys like Shawn, none of the girls are gonna show up." "And since none of the girls show up, none of the regular guys come." "I can't believe my parents did this to me!" "Well, it's a good thing you sneaked me in without them knowing." "Phew!" "Hope they don't catch me." "Cory, my parents love you." "No!" "Blaaa!" "No!" "They think you're a "nice young man."" "Oh, yeah?" "Let's see how nice they think I am after I do this!" "Cory..." "What are you doing?" "I don't know." "I'm way over my head here." "I knew it." "You're totally PA." " PA?" " Parentally acceptable." " That's bad?" " Well, it's as bad as it gets in high school." " It's a girl!" " A girl came?" "!" "Get away!" "She's not for you." "Oh, OK." "I came to tell you there's a really cool party going on." "Oh?" "Where?" "Excuse me, we're talking here." "(hollow grunt)" "Look, the wall." " Later." " Wait, I'm coming with you." " You can't just leave your own party." " Watch me." " What about me?" " Oh, yeah, you..." "When the chips are gone, the party's over." "Hey, guys." "Whatcha doin'?" "We're practicing Spin the Bottle." " But there are no girls." " But there might be later." "Er, guys, I don't think any girls are coming." " Oh, well, we don't mind." " We're all friends." " We like hanging out together." " We're very comfortable with what we are." "Parties come and parties go, but you always have your friends." "That is why Ubaldo is so cool." "All right. 33 billion." "That's a new record." "Go carve my initials into that kid's head." "That's some score, Harley." "That's the best score I ever seen." "Nobody's gonna beat that score for, like, a million years." "Ain't that right, Frankie?" "What are you sayin?" "Sometimes at night I like to write poetry?" "No!" "I'm just sayin' that, you know..." "Actually, I think that's kinda cool." "What are they, sonnets?" "I gotta get me some better-adjusted guys." " Hey, Matthews." " Oh..." "Hey, Mr. Turner." "What are you doin' here?" "I stopped by for a Double Chubby Cheese, but the place turned into a mob scene." "Yeah." "I came by to find Shawn, but I guess he must've left already." " No, he's still here." " Where?" "He's in the middle of the mob scene." "Your friend's a pretty popular guy." "Oh, no." "I gotta get out of here." "Why?" "I thought you were here to see Shawn." "I was, but..." "Remember that decision thing we talked about?" "Yeah." " I kinda made the wrong one." " Yeah, I coulda told you that." "Then why didn't you?" "Well, you don't listen in class." "You gonna listen in life?" "But you're the teacher." "I'm supposed to learn from you." "Oh, right, right." "Teacher, teacher, yeah." "Hey!" "Hey!" "Everybody!" "Hand in your homework, right now." "Shawn, your friend's here." "Just kiddin' about the homework." "Good night, everybody." "Oh, hey, Matthews..." "You smell good." "Don't worry about me, Shawn." "I'm just leaving." "Why?" "I got an order of chili cheese fries." "Extra gravy." "No, you're too busy with those other guys." " What other guys?" " The other thousand guys at your table." "So they'll make room." "Shawn, they're gonna see you talking to me." "You know, you've been acting really weird since you got invited to this party." "You don't wanna hang out with me anymore?" "I'm a geek!" "Oh, like you didn't know?" "Cory, what are you talking about?" "I'm the worst kind of geek." "I'm a geek who didn't know he was a geek." " Cory?" " Yeah?" " Do I hang out with geeks?" " No." "That's why I'm leaving." "Come on." "You're my best friend, man." "You just gotta loosen up." " You don't think I'm a geek?" " Of course not." " You think I'm cool?" " Of course not." " Then what am I?" " You're Cory." "I'm Shawn." "Just like it's always been." "What else do you need to know?" "I need to know how to be cool, like you." "I'm not cool." "Yes, you are." "Shawn, look around you." "I mean, this is the cool party." "You are the center of the cool party." " This is the cool party?" " Yes." " Let's bail." " What?" "This place is a zoo." "Let's bail." "Oh, I got it." "You're trying to teach me how to be cool." "Huh?" "You're trying to show me that it doesn't matter where you go because if you're truly cool, wherever you go is the cool place to be." "Right?" " Cory?" " Yeah?" "Shut up." "A very cool thing to say." "Oh, Alan?" "Forgot to tell you, another catalog order came in today." "Oh, is it my truss?" "Then what?" "Oh, it's just a little something I bought for my next husband." "Oh, yeah?" "Where is it?" "Right here." "What do you think?" "I think I'm regaining some sensation in my legs." "Think you can get upstairs?" "Oh, I don't know, Amy, I don't know." "Because here's what's waiting for you." "(whispers)" "Ooh..." "It's a miracle!" "I can walk." "I can walk, Sister Amy." "I'm healed!" "Hallelujah!" " I'm so happy for you." " Yes, I'm happy too." "Listen, before you move on to your second husband," "I'd like to give that outfit a once-over." "Maybe a twice-over." "Ooh, you're not that young anymore." "Oh, yeah?" "(grunts)" "That's what you think."