"(BELL DlNGlNG)" "Here you go, miss." "Annie!" "Millman!" "(DOORBELL rings) -l'll go." "Hold on, Miss Kitty." "Hello, Evelyn." "Come in." "Kitty, darling." "Ready for the big day?" "Can't wait!" "(RETCHlNG)" "(panting)" "Well, good heavens, Mr Patten!" "Hello, Millman." "Or is it Professor now?" "We weren't expecting you today, sir." "Well, Dolly asked me to come, and you know how hard it is to say no to her." "We haven't seen you since you went off to Greece." "Or since Dolly went rushing off to Albania." "Yes, a lot has happened." "I have missed your custard." "(DlNGlNG)" "That'd be the drawing room!" "MlLLMAN:" "Thank you, Mrs Whitstable." "ls Dolly down yet?" "Not yet, sir." "Would you like me to tell her you've arrived?" "Yes." "No, no." "Annie!" "Really, Kitty, my poor head can't bear it." "Don't you think you could go upstairs and talk to them?" "Ooh!" "It's freezing. I'm more dead than alive." "You are like a dear, elegant little fly." "You must think me a kind of great, clumsy rhinoceros in this frock." "(LAUGHS) Don't be silly." "No naval officer will show any interest in a girl who looks like a giant cheesecake." "Nonsense." "Everybody will be looking at the bride anyway." "Millman?" "I wore my blue satin wedding shoes down to dinner last night, and now the toes are all grey and dirty." "Dreadful of me, I know, and completely typical, I'm afraid." "You ought not to have done that, miss." "We'll see what we can do with them." "I do know one or two little tricks." "(indistinct conversation)" "(sighs)" "Hello, Joseph." "It's Professor Joseph to you, boy." "What's that?" "Ah." "They are homemade, so the strength may vary." "One every two hours, preferably at mealtimes." "kitty:" "is it true Joseph's coming?" "Dolly invited him." "Lord knows if he'll come." "l predict a drama if he does." "Oh, I do hope so." "Where is Doll?" "is the bride-to-be moving slowly this morning?" "Like a snail." "Here." "l don't want one." "(LAUGHS) You're not going to enjoy this afternoon without it. I can tell you." "I'm not going to enjoy this afternoon, full stop." "Tom, hello." "The women go crazy at weddings." "They become totally uncontrollable." "Trust me, it's what they live for." "Just watch Aunt Hettie." "Good God, man, what on Earth are those socks?" "They are pure cat sick." "Leave me alone, Tom." "Robert, it is not at all fair to hold the family's reputation to ransom by your vulgar choice of socks." "I only wish this family had a reputation worth protecting." "My toes are like icicles." "Trust me, Evie, this works like a charm." "kitty:" "Golly, Tom, it's a bit early for that." "This will put hairs on your chest." "Here goes nothing." "(GULPS)" "Ooh." "What'll it be like standing in that draughty church, holding a sopping wet bunch of flowers?" "One of these days you too will be married, and then you won't talk like that." "Not if I have anything to do with it." "Evie, in spite of all the things you say, I think you'll make the most wonderful mother." "Some mothers eat their young." "(DOOR OPENS)" "Oh!" "1 2:30 already." "TOM:" "Goodness!" "Hello, Evelyn, dear." "Don't you look pretty?" "kitty:" "Mum, do you think I look too exceptionally stupid in this getup?" "Hardly anyone here, and the wedding at 2:00." "(sighs)" "Robert dear, can you reach the top of the tree for the angel?" "You're just tall enough, I think." "Kitty, I thought you were going to wear your lovely glass brooch?" "Annie!" "I need that brooch!" "Speak up. (CHUCKLES)" "Here's the Prof!" "EVELYN:" "Joseph." "Evie." "Hello." "Hello, Joseph." "Dolly didn't mention you'd be coming to luncheon." "Then I must apologise on behalf of your daughter, Mrs Thatcham." "She wrote personally..." "lt's quite all right." "It's Millman who'll be put out to the change in arrangements." "Oh." "She's preparing a cold luncheon in the nursery just for the family." "What?" "It's ready in the dining room, Mum!" "Mum!" "(BOTH laughing) I thought Dolly would be down by now." "Dolly doesn't do anything unless she wants to, no matter if half the county is kept waiting." "You know that." "The tortoise unexpectedly put in an appearance this morning." "JOSEPH:" "I'm surprised she hasn't given it away." "EVELYN:" "She would never do that." "Dolly may not have come down yet, but you're the one who doesn't seem to be here." "You don't think something's wrong, do you?" "What could possibly go wrong?" "kitty:" "Mum!" "MRS THATCHAM:" "I don't understand." "kitty:" "Mum!" "No, Kitty, I particularly said the nursery." "Never mind, Mrs Whitstable can clear up after church." "What?" "You haven't asked Mrs Whitstable?" "Who is it this time?" "Hello?" "Dolly?" "It's me." "Are you coming down soon?" "Well, I'm not ready yet." "Will you be finished soon?" "I'm afraid I just don't know." "I really can't say." "Well, I'll be downstairs." "Come and meet my cousin, Miss Spoon." "This is Horace Spigott." "Hmm." "Miss Spoon is no longer a governess." "She's been in Africa on a mission." "How do you do?" "MRS THATCHAM:" "He can't hear you, dear." "You have to speak up." "HORACE:" "What?" "l said she's got to speak up!" "I told you it would be like this." "Don't start again." "You've hardly stopped." "There you two are." "You said to go to the nursery." "Bob's up there now, I think." "Well, we're all in the drawing room now." "Has Jimmy come down?" "He's slipped off again." "So long as he's not setting fire to the summer house again, I don't mind where he is." "Well, we've been here 1 0 minutes, and already I want to strangle a member of your family." "I'm running right on schedule." "ls it chaos downstairs, Millman?" "No more than usual, miss." "These shoes have come up a treat." "Good." "Mr Patten was asking..." "l know." "I've come to say goodbye." "Robert?" "Just smile at Hettie once every half an hour." "That's all I ask." "Are you suddenly so concerned about Hettie's feelings?" "I'm fond of Hettie." ""Fond." The word we use for those we cannot love." "Hello." "Remind me?" "That friend of Dolly's we met last summer." "Wasn't Dolly rather fond of him?" "I need a drink." "You're fond enough of that." "You drive me to it." "Hello, Nancy." "Would you like one of these?" "Need a light, Prof?" "Oh." "Thank you." "Nancy..." "TOM:" "Yes, I'm afraid so." "Why hasn't your sister come down yet?" "l don't know." "Nobody knows." "Oh!" "By the way, how do we tell the Bigham twins apart?" "Tony has a limp, and Tiger has a moustache." "Tony, limp." "Tiger, 'tache." "Kitty, go and get Uncle Bob." "(indistinct conversations)" "Robert." "Yes, Aunt Hettie." "Go and sit down like a couple of good boys." "MAN 1 :" "He's going for another!" "MAN 2:" "The bowler!" "Keep it tight, lads." "(SPECTATORS APPLAUDlNG)" "Don't borrow time, lads." "DOLLY:" "There was no other way of getting there, so I actually walked the last bit through the fields in the dark." "No torch." "Oh." "DOLLY:" "It was like the blind leading the blind." "The whole time, I kept thinking some maniac has escaped from Broadmoor and was gonna leap out of a hedgerow and strangle me." "Or worse." "Dolly." "Obviously, that didn't happen." "Nothing ever does." "Mmm." "MAN:" "Joseph!" "(GASPS)" "Oh, Dolly!" "Dolly!" "(GASPS)" "(CHUCKLES)" "(ALL applauding)" "Hello." "Hello." "Would you like me to bring you a drop of brandy, sir?" "No thanks, Millman." "Do you know when Dolly's coming down?" "She was a little bit unwell this morning." "Nice to have you back in Devon, sir." "(EXHALES)" "Well, now where's Bob?" "Don't worry, Mum." "He's just coming." "Ah, Patten." "So you survived the Mediterranean?" "Just about, sir." "That young man seems to be walking backwards instead of forwards." "I can't imagine how he ever gets anywhere." "He's a friend of Dolly's." "He was here all last summer." "Drove Millman mad, I expect." "Red or white, Horace?" "Red, please." "That came through loud and clear." "What?" "Prof, what's the anthropologist's interpretation of the English marriage ritual?" "Ignore him." "I'd call this a ceremony, not a ritual." "Pardon me, Mrs Thatcham, but isn't Canon Dakin going to say grace?" "Oh, my." "Bob?" "Mmm-hmm." "(praying)" "(MRS THATCHAM CLEARS THROAT)" "(GULPS)" "(continues praying)" "(CRUNCHlNG)" "(WHlRRlNG)" "Amen." "ALL:" "Amen." "Oh, yes, it's a ritual all right, complete with live sacrifice." "Would that be Dolly or Owen?" "lt's whoever says I do." "Can someone remind me which Bigham twin is which?" "Joseph says Tiger has a moustache." "I was told once that Tony has a tattoo." "Although, it's never been located." "Kitty, it is up to you to find it for us." "Joseph, please don't be disgusting." "Where is the bride?" "I do so want to see the dress." "You know Dolly." "She likes to take her time." "She didn't take her time about marrying Owen Bigham." "Short engagements make for long marriages." "Just look at Nancy and David." "Yes, just look at us." "Or you and Roger, Hettie." "You didn't hang around." "(SCOFFS)" "That was a very long time ago." "Things were different then, of course." "Maybe one of us should take her something to eat." "No, Joseph." "She doesn't want anything to eat." "Her stomach is upset." "ls she all right?" "lt's nerves." "Mmm?" "(YELLS) Nerves!" "(sighs)" "So was the expedition to Greece a great success, Joseph?" "Just the usual stuff from dead civilisations, dust and skeletons." "Ooh, skeletons?" "What happened to them all?" "How much do you know about the mating habits of female snakes?" "(laughing) Now, that's what I call a ritual." "The female of the species is more deadly than the male." "Kitty, bring me that present on the window seat." "l'd like to show everybody." "Ugh." "miss SPOON:" "What is it?" "It is a wedding present from Dodo Potts-Griffith just sent over by the chauffeur." "She made the whole thing entirely herself, and it really is so very cheerful and pretty." "Yes, but what is it, Hettie?" "A lampshade, obviously." "Dear God." "I believe she learned how to do this sort of thing from her own mother." "Specially made for Dolly!" "Really?" "Why?" "Thank you." "Mr Owen Bigham to see you, ma'am." "Mrs Thatcham, this is too dreadful of me." "I know this is the last place in the world I ought to be at the present moment." "The fact is, Dolly has got the ring." "She took it to have it made smaller at the jeweller's." "She promised faithfully she would give it back to Tiger but has apparently forgotten to do so." "What a perfectly Dolly thing to do." "Perhaps she gave it to Tony by mistake?" "Well, Robert, go upstairs and ask her what she's done with it." "Me?" "Go on, Robert." "Please, one of you do something useful for once." "l'll go, Mrs Thatcham." "Don't trouble yourself, Joseph." "Robert appears more than capable." "DOLLY:" "Oh, God." "Bella." "So the animals are being fed in here." "(GASPS)" "(sighs) ls there anything left for little old me, I wonder?" "Oh, breath like a dragon." "Well, thank heavens for my chauffeur." "I can never remember my way through these tiny roads." "Bella dear, this is Dolly's Owen." "Ha!" "The groom is here before the wedding." "Priceless." "How do you do?" "He's here to get the ring." "Dolly forgot to hand it over last night." "(CHUCKLES)" "Well, Hettie, there always has to be a drama." "Do sit down, Bella, before you tire yourself out." "I simply cannot tell you how marvellous my chauffeur is." "You know, he treats me like an empress." "He's almost as handsome as the car." "ls he really?" "Which route did you take, Bella?" "Bob." "Hello, darling." "I don't know, but it was the one with the day trippers." "Hmm." "Where on Earth, I kept asking myself, are they all going a week before Christmas?" "Lapland, probably." "HORACE:" "What?" "Lapland!" "(CHUCKLES)" "How do you put up with it, Hettie?" "How did your chauffeur put up with it, I wonder?" "Just a little, David." "A little more." "Go on, man." "Thank you." "While you're there, David." "Tom, are you all ready for church?" "The wedding is at 2:00." "2:00!" "Oh, gosh." "It's not too late to call it off, Owen!" "Just don't tell Dolly that. (CHUCKLES)" "He's high as a kite." "MRS THATCHAM:" "Tom, why don't you go for a walk in the garden?" "Puff adders, were they?" "Tom, take your father out for some fresh air!" "For God's sake, Bob, "puffing adders"?" "Come on, Tom." "Hello, Joseph." "Owen." "How are you?" "Wonderful." "Been up since 6:00 and can't wait to get cracking." "So how long will you be in Argentina?" "Two years to start with, but after that, we can't be sure." "You don't think she's lost the ring, do you?" "No, no. lt'll turn up." "No." "lt's for your own good." "People will think you're queer or Italian, which is worse!" "Ow!" "Mind my vases!" "Sorry to interrupt." "Do you have the ring?" "She says it's in here somewhere, but she's not sure where she put it." "Robert!" "Right." "Everyone please remain calm and search the area nearest you." "I'd search the servants if I were you." "Good idea." "Let's start with your chauffeur." "(SNORlNG)" "(DOOR CLOSES)" "(DOOR OPENS)" "(EXPLODES)" "(GASPS)" "(continues snoring) I'm sure you can get her another ring." "What on Earth is going on?" "The groom is here." "The ring is missing." "What's next?" "The bride will disappear." "I wish someone would make me disappear." "So do I." "Are you ready to be important?" "Am I going to be important?" "EVELYN:" "Well, you've got to walk Dolly down the aisle, haven't you?" "And what about you?" "Pure wallflower." "(LAUGHS)" "Which is just the way I like it." "Joseph, since you are here, can you please join in like everyone else?" "I'm praying to St Anthony." "BOB:" "Think I'll join you." "Patron saint of lost articles." "And missing persons." "Eureka!" "I've found it." "Oh, thank heaven!" "Well done, Evie!" "St Anthony never lets me down." "Come on, darling, let's get you to the church." "Yes." "All's well." "Your prayers were answered." "Well, there's a first time for everything." "You planning to bag the canon, Evie?" "Don't be ridiculous." "A widower with two obstreperous sons." "A rich widower." "It doesn't bear thinking about." "Might be fun for a while, though." "is that what Dolly's thinking?" "Why is she avoiding me?" "She's avoiding all of us, darling." "I'm not sure why she asked me." "And now that I'm here, I don't know why I came." "You came because you wanted to, and because Dolly wanted you to be here." "She's got a funny way of showing it." "So have you, Joseph." "If you're just doing this to be difficult, I'd get out while you still can." "That's exactly what I want to tell Dolly." "MRS THATCHAM:" "Whatever next?" "Evelyn, my dear, can you bring Dolly's little bouquet to her?" "lt's somewhere in the kitchen." "Of course." "Time is ticking by, everyone." "Very, very slowly." "There you are, Horace!" "Oh, such a beautiful day for Dolly's wedding!" "Have I missed it?" "I've put you in the Chinese room," "and you have a very nice view from there." "How lovely." "The Chinese room?" "Mum, how many more people are to go into the Chinese room?" "Nancy, can I borrow you this afternoon?" "What is it, Hettie?" "Will you keep an eye open for Dolly just in case I'm not around to watch her?" "She's awfully tired." "Certainly." "That academic friend of hers..." "Mmm?" "Joseph?" "Yes, him." "I think he may try to be troublesome." "Oh." "Unfinished business, you mean?" "Well, I don't know about that." "Aren't they old enough to look after themselves, Hettie?" "Yes, of course, Nancy dear, but it would make me feel better all the same if you could, just..." "Yes, of course. I'll see what I can do." "You and David are such a lovely example to Dolly." "And we're both so very fond of you." "(chuckling) That's true." "Come along." "We'll get your coat." "HORACE:" "Who is that girl?" ""Fond"?" "They say you can meet your future spouse at a wedding, but that seems incredibly unlikely unless I marry a half-wit or a relative." "Or both." "Do you think there'll be any men in uniform at the reception?" "Look, Kitty, isn't Dolly dressed yet?" "If I were getting married, I'd have been ready at dawn." "If you were getting married, it would be more like pistols at dawn." "I suppose that very narrow-minded people think that Dolly is the romantic sister, and I'm the lumpy, sensible one." "Nobody thinks you're sensible." "Dolly is absolutely efficient when it comes down to it." "Impetuous, I'll grant you, but underneath it all, she's 1 00% hard-boiled." "Look, can't you get her to come down?" "I need to... I'd like to wish her luck whilst she's still an unmarried woman." "Maybe it's Mum." "She does make living in this house unbearable." "Look what she did with Millman and luncheon." "Sometimes I wonder if it's all an act." "What could be a better disguise than a fussy old widow?" "She is a curious person, really." "Mum, I mean." "Aren't you feeling well, Joseph?" "Oh, dear." "I had counted on you as being the one bright spot at this awful gathering." "Whitstable?" "is that my tortoise come back again?" "Yes, miss." "I've seen him snuggling up against the glass-house stove pipe." "He must think it's spring." "Could you take her to the kitchen and get the girls to pack her up for me?" "They can use a biscuit tin or something." "I've just the thing for that, miss." "He'll be just fine." "She'll be just fine, you mean?" "He's a she, Whitstable." "ls he really, miss?" "Yes, of course she is." "I'm going to take her to South America." "It's not so cold and windy down there." "(indistinct conversation)" "(CHUCKLES)" "(GASPS)" "Oh, my goodness." "He's lovely." "Actually, he's a she." "No." "Mmm-hmm." "She's lovely then." "A bit masculine, but lovely." "Where did you get her?" "At a market in Cairo." "Have you been to Cairo?" "l have." "But she's from a pet shop in Ealing." "(CHUCKLES)" "What shall we call her?" "I don't know." "How about" "Daphne?" "Daphne?" "That's a name for a girl who is fair of face and fleet of foot." "This little one looks more like a Brunhilda." "Brunhilda?" "You know, sometimes, Dolly, you should call things as they really are." "MRS THATCHAM:" "Dolly!" "Come on." "(indistinct conversation)" "(DOOR OPENS)" "Did they find the ring?" "Evelyn saved the day." "Joseph spotted it first." "Anyway, good luck, old girl." "Not that I need it." "You certainly do not need it." "Oh, how very, very awful of you, Dolly." "You are ruining all the romance for me." "A bride sitting upstairs in her bedroom swigging rum!" "Out of a bottle." "And in only a few minutes, you'll be in church!" "How could you?" "Well, you still have a lot to learn, my child." "And why have you got my glass brooch?" "I've sent the whole household looking for this." "Oh, dear." "I'm sorry to say it, Doll, but in some ways, it will be a good thing when you're no longer here." "Well, that's a nice thing to say to your sister on the eve of her departure for the other side of the world." "Doll, I know you are marvellously clever, and interesting and witty." "But I do think the way you look at certain things is absolutely beastly!" "You know what I mean." "Joseph was doing it earlier." "He's downstairs saying such stupid, awful things again." "What did he say?" "kitty:" "Oh, nothing, really." "Kitty, what was he saying?" "kitty:" "Joseph is one of those annoying guests upon whose good mood the success of a party entirely depends." "I don't know what he's all so worked up about anyway." "Oh, go on, Kitty, tell us what Joseph was saying." "kitty:" "Very well then." "I told Joseph that an Englishman in love lacks poetry." "That was how it started." "And they do." "Englishmen do lack poetry." "I told him about that awful Robinson boy down at Malton." "Do you remember?" "No." "You know, how when he was driving me home after the dance that time, and his car packed up at 5:00 in the morning." "And instead of looking at the sunrise or at me, all he could do was grumble along with a face black as thunder." "He kept saying, "After tonight my name is mud in Malton!"" ""My dear chap," l said to him," ""really, what does it matter if your name is mud in a place like Malton?"" "I told Joseph I envied Barbara Mackenzie her Spanish naval officer." "Who wouldn't?" "He plays to her on his ukulele in the moonlight, and he's not ashamed of his love for her." "Oh!" "I'm going to Spain next year, by the way, Doll, if mum will let me." "She won't let you go." "Why not?" "She let you go to Albania." "Anyway, I told Joseph I thought he'd play the ukulele beautifully, and I could not imagine him ever being ashamed of his love for a woman." "I'm sure he loved hearing that." "Well, I guess not, because after that, he became quite ratty for some reason, and he started telling me in that lecturer's voice of his..." "You must know, Kitty, that I don't at all care for this snobbish continental talk of yours about foreigners, love, poetry, and..." "Ukuleles." "Sounds like he rehearsed that speech." "kitty:" "Wait till you hear the rest." "He said," ""You must understand, Kitty, that there are still some of us left who do not" ""appreciate that attitude in our womenfolk."" "Appreciate that attitude in our womenfolk." "He actually used the word "womenfolk"!" "Of course he did." "Then he said, "My own aim is still" ""the clean-limbed, dirty-minded, thorough English gentleman."" "And I still have hopes of being one." "He's halfway there already." "(LAUGHS)" "An English gentleman is not dirty-minded!" "How do you know he isn't?" "How do I know?" "is Uncle Bob dirty-minded?" "(LAUGHS)" "Was Dad dirty-minded?" "Oh, terribly, terribly." "You're drunk!" "Well, I think it's perfectly disgusting!" "(DOOR OPENS)" "(DOOR CLOSES) I don't mind telling you, Evie, but we've been treated to these comments from Kitty every single day for the last 1 2 months." "English gentlemen and Spanish guitar players." "The whole house rocks with it." "Joseph likes to stir up the wasps' nest a little with a stick and then run away and hide." "Then of course, the wasps fly straight upstairs and sting innocent people." "Dolly, what's wrong?" "(breathing heavily)" "Do you ever feel as though you're just reading about yourself, like it's all in a book from the lending library to be returned when you've finished?" "All that time last summer, we were practically inseparable." "What if..." "What if what, Doll?" "What if he begged me to run off with him by the back door, across the fields while everyone was sitting in the church waiting for me?" "For goodness sake, what would I do?" "Well, for goodness sake, what would you do?" "You do want to marry Owen, don't you?" "Of course I do." "It's just..." "(LAUGHS)" "All is well." "He does not care for me, and therefore will not miss me." "La di da." "Cheer up, darling." "Soon you will be bathing under blue skies and resting in the shade of palm trees." "I'm just talking nonsense, aren't I?" "You will faithfully promise to come out and stay with us, won't you?" "Of course." "Owen insists on paying for your passage, and he can afford it, I assure you." "I couldn't possibly exist there for long without you." "And Owen says he couldn't either." "I wouldn't miss it for the world." "He is lovely, your husband-to-be." "I know." "Perhaps when you come, you'll bring a husband with you." "Whose?" "(BOTH laughing)" "(DOOR OPENS)" "Ready, darling?" "Evelyn dear, you had better go downstairs." "Courage, chérie." "(DOOR OPENS)" "Your father would be so proud of you." "And so am I." "Do go down, Mother." "I can do that." "I have one or two last things to finish off." "(DOOR OPENS)" "In spite of this heat, summer is over." "I can tell." "is Kitty back yet?" "Not yet." "You'll get a crick in your neck if you sit like that." "l'm fine." "Hmm." "What are you reading?" ""lf only I could go with him to the edge of a precipice and say," ""'One more step, and I shall be over,'" ""and then pale with fear, he would catch me in his arms" ""and hold me over the edge until my blood froze," ""and carry me off wither he pleased."" "You gave me this book." "Did I?" "It was your father's, I think." "is it about adventure?" "That was what he looked for in a book." "(BOTH laughing)" "Joseph was reading it." "lsn't he leaving any day now?" "l believe so." "I hear Owen Bigham is off to Europe with the Diplomatic Service." "(sniffing)" "You should have an adventure." "You've talked about travel so often." "I think you should do it." "How about Italy or Albania?" "(THUNDER rumbling)" "Oh, heavens." "(rain pattering)" "The washing's only just been hung." "l'll think about it." "That thunder sounds close." "(DOORBELL ringing)" "I've come to say goodbye." "Where on Earth's Tom?" "No idea, Dad." "Oh." "Tell the vicar we're on our way." "Yeah." "(DOOR rattling) -(GRUNTlNG)" "The door jammed!" "Didn't anyone hear my knocking?" "Of course." "We all did." "Dolly, only five more minutes." "All going smoothly, I hope." "Are you ready, my dear?" "(EXHALES)" "For God's sake, Dolly." "Oh!" "Oh!" "(indistinct conversation)" "(FOLK music playing)" "Let us dance." "(CROWD clapping rhythmically)" "Whoo!" "(ALL exclaiming)" "Stop!" "You stood on my foot." "(ALL cheering)" "Tom." "Tom, you can hear me." "You really hurt my foot." "Tom." "Always best to steer clear of the cider." "That stuff'd kill a horse." "Two ales, please." "(laughing)" "Two ciders, please." "(LAUGHS)" "kitty:" "I could swear my toe is broken." "The way you go on, one would think dancing was all about feet." "Kitty, I'm not sure you had the perfect partner." "I know. I've got the bruises to prove it." "Waltzing time, ladies and gentlemen." "Waltzing time." "(violin playing)" "Come on." "No, no, no..." "Come on, come on!" "Oh, God." "(CHUCKLES)" "Come on." "Really?" "(kitty laughing)" "Have you waltzed before?" "No." "Okay, do that with your right foot." "All right." "Are you ready?" "Very good." "You're a natural." "Am I doing well?" "Very good at that." "(CHUCKLES)" "What was all that about?" "BOB:" "Dolly." "Dolly?" "The car's waiting for us, my dear." "Ah." "There you are, miss." "Excuse me, miss, could you spare time to step into the kitchen and let my old mother see you afore the ceremony?" "(panting)" "Of course I will." "She's got her heart set on seeing you on your wedding day." "Dolly?" "Betty." "Hello, Mrs Whitstable." "Don't get up." "Please, please." "I remember you when you come back to me bringing your little doggie in your arms after that motor car accident." "That was Kitty, Mrs Whitstable." "Her memory ain't quite what it used to be." "And now you have growed up into a fine, handsome woman, and your husband will be a fine, handsome man." "And you be proud of him, and he'll be proud of you, and you be proud of one another." "Dolly, I..." "You look very beautiful in your wedding dress." "Like a picture." "Very pretty indeed." "(GRUNTS)" "Of course, I lost my eyesight." "You must have a piece of wedding cake later on, Mrs Whitstable." "Oh, I couldn't fancy nothing to eat now, dear." "All right, Mother." "MRS WHlTSTABLE:" "Yes." "You looked so very happy last summer." "I knew it, I did." "Whatever you do, just enjoy yourself as hard and sure as ever you can." "And you'd better do it while you're young and pretty." "That's what they call happiness, my girl." "I always thought happiness was something quite different, Mrs Whitstable." "But whichever of us is right, thank you." "Thank you ever so much." "Your car is waiting for you outside, Miss Dolly." "Goodbye, Mrs Whitstable." "(CHlMlNG)" "Oh!" "Christ!" "Oh, God." "Oh, God." "What am I going to do?" "I can't go into church with a rum stain." "Oh, for God's sake." "Listen, Dolly..." "Help me." "Suggest something." "Suggest something." "Dolly..." "Please, Joseph, run upstairs and get mother's scarf out of the bottom drawer." "The chest in my dressing room." "Please!" "Dolly, dearest Dolly..." "Quickly, Joseph." "A white lace scarf." "Quickly!" "Dolly?" "Coming." "Put it through there." "For God's sake, tell me one thing." "I'll tell you anything in the world you like, but afterwards." "Here, just here." "All right." "Against the stain." "ln front of the stain." "l'm doing it." "For God's sake, hurry!" "What are you doing drinking rum anyway?" "You of all people should know a little fortifying rum never did anyone any harm." "I don't remember it being part of traditional bridal preparation." "What are you doing galloping around the house frightening brides?" "(BOTH laughing)" "Dolly, we've really got to go now!" "Dolly..." "Time and tide wait for no man." "(CAR DOOR CLOSES)" "(engine STARTS)" "Joseph." "Joseph, it's your go again." "Right-o." "(GROANS)" "Ha-ha!" "(LAUGHS)" "ROBERT:" "Great." "Destroy your cousin for me, will you?" "I thought we could row down the river and see the others." "Millman has made us the most delicious picnic." "What a lovely idea." "Hmm." "Where are you off to, my dear?" "Joseph wants to row me down the river to see the others." "Oh, really?" "I guess you could help me dead-head the roses later." "Don't tell me you're leaving me here with this lot?" "Thank you for the tea, Mrs Thatcham." "Let's go!" "(CHUCKLES)" "Let's go!" "Catching up!" "No, you're not!" "Go on, Dolly." "(GRUNTlNG)" "l'll never..." "Whoo-hoo!" "Whoo!" "Whoo!" "(LAUGHS)" "Are you ready?" "Yes." "Steady?" "Let's go." "(speaking lNDlSTlNCTLY)" "DOLLY:" "Remember that strange man..." "The one with the moustache?" "l guess it was." "Very hot." "Good day." "Hello." "(indistinct conversations)" "Welcome to the picnic." "Hello." "Evie, hello." "(laughing)" "That's how it is." "l absolutely love cooking." "(laughing)" "They're lovely." "Pass me a bun." "OWEN:" "Come on." "This is one of those days in the middle of winter, it is impossible to believe can exist." "I'm not at all sure it exists even now." "(CHUCKLES) lsn't it beautiful?" "Yes." "Very beautiful." "Yes, please." "ALL:" "Oh!" "Do you feel less happy if you know you are happy?" "Usually, by the time you know, it's already too late." "Hmm." "DOLLY:" "So when do you know if you will be going on the expedition?" "August." "You should come with me." "(LAUGHS) I mean it." "And I meant it when I laughed." "I wish you'd show me one good reason why I should come with you." "You should be careful what you wish for." "You sound like my mother." "Oh." "Imagine how long it took to die." "(files buzzing)" "We should get back to the others." "Why are you in such a hurry all of a sudden?" "Time and tide wait for no man." "There you go." "All right." "JOSEPH:" "We're all set." "OWEN:" "You're on!" "Dolly." "What was it you were saying about time and tide?" "You won't go far." "Well, what are you waiting for?" "(GRUNTS)" "Dolly!" "Damn!" "EVELYN:" "Doll, what are you up to now?" "DOLLY:" "Ugh!" "OWEN:" "We're turning around." "(laughing)" "Joseph!" "OWEN:" "Man overboard!" "Joseph, I can't believe it." "EVELYN:" "Turn around." "OWEN:" "Launch the life boats." "Joseph!" "EVELYN:" "Dolly, are you all right?" "You want a towel?" "(laughing)" "Why did you shove off like that?" "What did you want me to do?" "I wanted you to come after me." "Then you got what you wanted." "Now, you want something else." "Someone's been at the rum, then?" "Funny time to be drinking rum." "On a wedding morning." "I think Dolly split some." "Like I say, funny time to be drinking rum." "Don't fancy weddings then?" "Not this one, no." "Well, we're not all made for it, you know." "(GRUNTS)" "My husband said so every day of his life." "And he should know." "Don't seem natural, this house being so quiet." "Never was a peaceful house." "Quite." "Oh, thank you, Mrs Whitstable." "You are kind." "Can I help you to the kitchen?" "MRS WHlTSTABLE:" "Oh, don't you fuss yourself, Mrs M." "It's been a pleasure talking to this young man." "I'll go and see to them partridges, and then I'll be off home and out your way." "You ought to be at the service, sir." "Yes, Millman, I know, but circumstances intervened." "Tell me, Millman, why do you think people get married?" "Sir, when I first came here, Miss Dolly was only seven years old." "Now, she's a young woman with a husband and soon, God willing, a family of her own." "People get married, because, as you say, circumstances intervene." "We rarely see them coming, though, do we?" "And that's life, isn't it?" "If Mrs Thatcham hadn't sent Miss Dolly to Albania, none of this might ever have happened." "Circumstances, you see." "Do you think you could telephone for a taxi to take me to the station, please?" "Of course, sir." "Might be a while before it comes, though." "You know what they're like." "That's fine." "(THUNDER rumbling)" "(rain pattering) I'm leaving tomorrow." "(BOTH panting)" "(humming)" "She's blind, isn't she?" "(sighs)" "(continues humming)" "She sees everything." "Congratulations." "MAN:" "Congratulations." "(indistinct conversations)" "Why weren't you at the church?" "I wanted to bomb the vicar with you." "Got them off Bella's chauffeur." "I can't see anything!" "I'm going to have to go, Jimmy." "But light a bomb for me, won't you?" "Make it a whopper." "Mmm-hmm." "Thank you, Betty." "Why your mother feels the need to turn the house into a shrubbery every Christmas, I cannot imagine." "(EXHALES)" "Bye." "Patten, remind me." "Tiger Bigham has a limp, and Tony has a monocle?" "Tony has..." "Bob!" "Darling, how are you?" "Well, you haven't changed a bit." "(CHUCKLES)" "Oh, Canon Dakin." "Have you met the..." "Well, the ritual bit is over, Professor, but the sacrifice is only just beginning!" "There's one in every family." "Two in yours." "Thank you so much." "How old are you, Jimmy?" "Eight and a half." "How old are you?" "I'm a little over 21 ." "No, you're not." "You're an old woman." "And you, young man, are old enough to know some manners." "Didn't your mother ever tell you it's rude to stare?" "No." "Well, let me be the first to inform you." "It's rude to stare." "I'm not staring. I'm looking." "Isn't he a little lamb?" "(BOMB EXPLODES)" "miss SPOON:" "Good God." "Jimmy!" "Come here, please." "All young men go through these difficult phases, don't they?" "Yes, Miss Spoon, you're quite right." "No end in sight for David's, though." "Mmm." "(sighs) lt's done now." "(laughing)" "EVELYN:" "This is the fun part at last." "Evie, you always have fun." "It might look like fun, but this is hard work." "Trust me." "You can't honestly be interested in the Bigham twins?" "They're so featureless, even they can't tell which one is which." "Don't be cruel." "I'm not fussy." "What I want from a man is quite simple." "He must be kind." "And brave." "Just a little bit brave." "That's all." "I thought I knew what she wanted, and it wasn't any of this." "She's shown you, hasn't she?" "She just said it out loud in a church." "We all want other people to make our decisions for us, don't we?" "That way we never have to blame ourselves." "I'll leave you to your conquests." "(slurping)" "kitty:" "What's going on?" "Oh, nothing. (sighs)" "Only Joseph thinks he's found a wasps' nest." "Tell me." "The little bombs..." "Oh." "Yes, sorry about that." "No, no." "They're marvellous." "How do you make them?" "Just a little potassium nitrate, and charcoal, and wax rolled up with the confetti." "Marvellous." "Yes." "Never been any good at that sort of thing." "Can't seem to offer my family much excitement at the moment." "Can't be easy, being a good father." "Not half as hard as being a bad one." "Jimmy, will you come here this instant?" "What do you think of Joseph?" "Well, he seems an amusing young man." "That's it, isn't it?" "He's amusing." "Young women like amusing men, don't they?" "I suppose they think it's dangerous." "Dolly's always been attracted to danger." "Aren't we all?" "Of course, she doesn't know the difference between amusing and dangerous!" "Unlike you, Nancy." "Really?" "Well, you're so lucky to have David who is so dependable." "And amusing sometimes, too!" "Don't you think these young people need saving from themselves?" "(BOMB EXPLODES) -(ALL GASP)" "Did you hear that one, Uncle Horace?" "Yes." "Yes, I got that one." "That's enough, Jimmy!" "Who gave that boy those wretched things?" "Joseph made them specially." "I should have known." "My God, if you want one good reason not to marry, go to a family wedding." "Come on, you." "There you are!" "Are chauffeurs allowed to drink?" "Surely no one could object to a glass of champagne at Christmas?" "He must be awfully cold out there." "Anyway, it was lovely, wasn't it?" "What was?" "Oh, don't be so cynical, Mr Anthropologist." "Surely you must have appreciated the event from an academic perspective." "Marriage rituals, and the herd instinct, and all that." "Anyway, I hope you didn't get stung." "What?" "By the wasps." "If I were Dolly and Owen, I wouldn't want to spend another second in this house!" "I'd be half way to Argentina with nothing but the starlight and the sunset for company!" "Don't be such an ass." "Time to pose." "What?" "Now?" "You said Tony had a limp, and Tiger had a moustache!" "I meant a lisp." "Well, they're both clean-shaven, limp or lisp!" "Kitty, outside, please." "The photographer's waiting." "Ugh!" "I shouldn't hang about for Dolly's sake, Joseph." "Why not get Millman to order you a taxi?" "She's ordered one already for me, Mrs Thatcham." "But I can't leave without toasting the happy couple." "Kitty!" "The photographs, now!" "Have a seat, Tom." "Now remember, this is the happiest day of your lives!" "(THUNDER rumbling)" "(rain pattering)" "One more, please." "(TOM EXCLAlMlNG)" "Tom!" "Tom!" "Tom!" "Did you see Tom?" "As drunk as a skunk." "I can't think where he finds it." "BELLA:" "Well, when the groom comes looking for the ring, it's hardly likely to be a conventional wedding now, is it?" "I hope that Bigham boy knows what he's taking on." "Oh, I'm sure he knows." "BELLA:" "Strange creature." "HORACE:" "Yes, the pipes!" "(bagpipes playing)" "(LAUGHS)" "Can you hear this, Uncle Horace?" "(knocking ON DOOR)" "Hello?" "Kitty!" "Could you give Dolly a message for me before she leaves?" "So Evie gets both Bigham twins, and I get to run messages for you?" "Come on." "Just say, "Joseph sends his love." That's all." "Why can't you tell her yourself?" "She doesn't want to see me." "Please." "All right." "But you have to do something for me." "And what's that?" "Tea in London." "My pleasure." "And you have to bring along some eligible boys for me." "Kitty, you're far too good for eligible boys." "What you need are some ineligible ones." "(CHUCKLES)" "All right." "Whatever you've got." "Done." "But not that one that looks like he's got rabies." "Go!" "(bagpipes playing)" "(indistinct conversations)" "(banging)" "Hello!" "(GLASS clinking)" "Ladies and gentlemen," "Owen and Dolly certainly appear to be the perfect couple." "But we hope Dolly is prepared to share with Owen his other interests." "When he was 1 2, he loved rugby." "When he was 1 5, he loved rugby." "(GUESTS laughing)" "When he was 21 , he loved rugby." "Now, he loves rugby and Dolly." "In actual fact, they complement each other very well." "They're a handsome couple." "Aren't they?" "Owen seems a good fellow." "He is." "I can't say I saw it coming." "Mind you, I'm a dreadful judge of character." "l don't believe that." "lt's quite true." "My wife always said so." "Female intuition is no longer a feature of my life, you see." "I'm lost without it." "Well, you know what to do if something's missing, don't you?" "What?" "Pray to St Anthony." "To Argentina!" "To Argentina!" "To Argentina!" "And to Albania." "(ALL toasting)" "(indistinct conversations)" "Jimmy, put those away at once." "I've only got four left." "l'll make some more if you like." "No, you can't, Daddy." "Yes, just a little potassium sulphide, charcoal wrapped up with the old confetti." "Daddy wants me to light one near Aunt Bella to see if her breath catches fire." "Does he?" "Very amusing of him." "Nancy, have you seen Joseph?" "I think you'll find him in the library." "(DOOR CLOSES)" "Why does Dolly look so cross?" "It's been a long day." "Tom, could you ask Millman for another jam tart for Jimmy?" "Just a second." "The groom is looking for his bride." "Now, Tom." "Right away, Mrs Dakin." "It's a shame your mother couldn't come down today." "is she all right?" "She's fine." "You'll say I asked after her, won't you?" "Yes." "You're doing a new course of lectures, aren't you?" "Yes." "Six months, isn't it?" "Yes." "Do you know what you'll be doing after that?" "No." "Will you be going away?" "l might." "No, I..." "Oh, for God's sake, can we stop talking like this?" "No, really. I want to know about it." "I'm interested." "Joseph." "Dearest Joseph." "Come and sit down." "What is it all about?" "Really, you must tell me." "It's no good." "It's no use asking me what the matter is." "I don't know myself." "Evelyn said some time ago, not to me," "that she thought you were in love with me." "Did she?" "Well, perhaps I was some time ago." "But I'm not now." "I haven't been for a good while." "Why do you never tell anybody anything?" "l thought we understood each other." "Oh, I do understand. I do." "You always like to make out like you are on top of the wave, oblivious, that you can never be in need of anyone else's help." "No, that's not me." "What is it that you think I should have said, Joseph?" "That night in Malton..." "That night in Malton, you had three ciders and half a bottle of gin." "Oh, for once, can we just say what it is we're talking about?" "Why didn't you tell me that you were going to marry Owen?" "I wrote, and I told you about it." "Oh, yes." "That letter from Albania." "Why so soon?" "Barely two months." "I only decided two months ago." "And he asked, and I wanted to say yes." "What if you had come to Greece, not Albania?" "Hmm?" "What if your mother hadn't posted you off to the honourable Owen?" "I've never been made to do anything." "What if I had stopped the wedding, Dolly?" "What would you have done then?" "What if this?" "What if that!" "What if you weren't you, Joseph?" "Anyway, why all the fuss?" "For God's sake." "You don't want to marry me." "No." "No, I know that." "Dolly!" "Sorry." "OWEN:" "Um... lt's time to go, Dolly, darling." "Everybody is standing out on the doorstep waiting to bid us a fond farewell." "I'm sorry to interrupt, darling, but what is all this about taking a tortoise along or something or other?" "Onboard the liner with us?" "Millman said there was a tortoise waiting for me in the kitchen." "Well, that's all right. lt's my tortoise." "Well, it may be your tortoise, Dolly, but what is it going to eat crossing over on the boat, is what I'm wondering." "For God's sake!" "Do come in, Owen!" "What's the matter with you?" "Surely there must be something on a big boat like that for a tortoise to eat." "I mean, really!" "That's all very well, but I'm afraid not, Dolly, all the same." "Can't it eat dried peas or something?" "(SCOFFS) I don't think a tortoise..." "Owen, please stop hovering like that." "It... I mean she likes to eat water biscuits." "I know that for a fact." "And these big liners are loaded with them." "Well, that may be so, but if you will forgive me for doing so, I'm afraid I've told Millman we are not going to take the tortoise." "You did what?" "It's vanished anyway." "No one can find it." "My God, this is outrageous!" "It's probably half-way across the fields to Malton by now, where, believe me, it will be much happier than..." "There you are!" "We couldn't think where on Earth you had got to." "What are you doing in here?" "Joseph?" "Well, thank you for finding Dolly for us." "Come along, dear." "Everybody's waiting." "For goodness sake!" "You don't know when you're beaten, do you?" "Why can't you just leave us alone?" "(CLEARS THROAT)" "Hello?" "(DOORKNOB rattling) I can't seem to open the door." "Hello?" "Goodbye." "Goodbye." "EVELYN:" "Good luck, Doll!" "(ALL bidding FAREWELL)" "kitty:" "You will write, won't you?" "Goodbye!" "No limp, no lisp, no moustache, no idea." "I must say, the tattoo's a complete mystery." "What did I tell you?" "Two men from school present at the ceremony." "That gangly one was all bussing up to me." "I hope Owen knows his way around these ghastly little roads." "They might never make it to Torbay, never mind Buenos Aires!" "I should think they're thrilled to be alone at last." "Well, if you want one good reason not to get married, go to a family wedding." "(SPURTS)" "So sorry." "Champagne up the nose." "(DOOR OPENS)" "Are you all right?" "Why not go upstairs and have a good lie-down, Joseph?" "I would." "No, thank you." "My taxi will be here in a minute." "MRS THATCHAM:" "Well, why not go up even if only for a minute?" "You're not doing yourself or anybody else any good by moping round in here with a face like that, you know." "Run upstairs." "Everyone else is headed home." "If I were you, I'd need a good lie-down." "Hettie!" "I do apologise for appearing at the drawing room dressed like this, but a rather strange thing has happened." "I ran up to my bedroom in order to take a quick bath." "When I returned from the bathroom, I found..." "Ladies underclothes, apparently, scattered around the room." "(LAUGHS)" "Someone has evidently mistaken my bedroom for her own." "Just gets better and better." "MRS THATCHAM:" "How extraordinary." "Now, Miss Spoon, what on Earth can I do for you?" "Mrs Thatcham, it really is most awfully embarrassing." "I went to have a bath and came back to my room for a moment and all my things had been..." "Dear God!" "Unpacked." "What room are you in?" "The Chinese room, where you yourself put me." "Mum!" "Why wasn't I put in the Chinese room?" "That's where the action is!" "Oh, for goodness... I knew this would happen." "Don't pretend this has never happened to you before, Bob!" "Not as often as I would like." "Well?" "(sighs)" "Poor Miss Spoon." "Perhaps she is over-tired." "Do take a seat, Hettie." "You must be worn out." "I'm fine, Bob dear." "Oh, dear!" "Some young men never think of anybody but themselves." "To me that seems so curious!" "Have a chocolate, Robert." "Kitty?" "So very delicious." "Thank you." "Joseph, why don't you just help yourself?" "You know, you young men nowadays always seem to mope about the place." "Never seeming to care to pull yourselves together, stand up nice and square and walk along properly." "Or to join in with other people's fun." "Don't you know what I mean?" "And yet you're never lagging behind, I notice, when it comes to raising your voices in criticism of other people." "Now, you, Joseph..." "Mum..." "You, Joseph, have had everything you want from life." "The profession you wanted, a first-rate education, a most devoted mother, and yet here you seem to be all up against everybody." "Nothing seems good enough for you." "Now I may be very dense, I freely confess, but I utterly fail to understand it!" "Of course, you may be very dense." "That might be the very reason." "You can't understand why no one arrives when you think they should." "And then you can't understand why the canon and Miss Spoon come to be sharing a bedroom, can you?" "You couldn't grasp how it was that Millman could have been such an odd person as to lay the luncheon in the dining room!" "In fact, you don't really understand anyone or anything around you, do you?" "I'm sure I don't know what on Earth you mean." "I ought not to tell you this, I suppose, but I'm going to." "You don't know, do you, why your daughter married with such indecent haste?" "Of course in another month or two, we would all know why." "Mind you, as to whom the father is, well, there I am as ignorant as you are." "You're mad." "It was inevitable that you would be the last person to know about it." "Stop it." "Think about what you're saying." "Yes, it may be mine." "They're having a sweepstake in the kitchen." "It's not too late to place a bet." "Joseph!" "My money's on Aunt Bella's chauffeur." "Three-to-one on Owen and 1 00-to-1 on the tortoise!" "Of course, Dolly must have despaired at even attempting to explain it to you." "Explain what?" "That this isn't the first time either!" "Why else do you think Dolly Thatcham is always running away?" "I have no idea what on Earth you are talking about!" "What I am talking about is perfectly simple." "Dolly has broken my heart, and I let her." "Thank you all for a most delightful day." "(BOMB EXPLODES) -(ALL GASP)" "Good God!" "Heavens!" "Are you all right?" "Well, I heard all that well enough." "Why did he say those things?" "You don't think..." "Of course not, Mama." "Don't pay any attention." "He's drunk." "That's what's the matter with him." "Let's get you tidied up and away from all these grown-ups." "Sorry, Aunt Bella." "(PHONE ringing)" "He's missed the boat." "Let him go now, Hettie." "Now are you glad you came?" "l couldn't have asked for more." "(DOOR CLOSES)" "(BOTH GASP)" "NANCY:" "David!" "MRS THATCHAM:" "Yes, so dreadfully disappointing you were not able to get over." "Your lampshade was very much appreciated." "Dolly's had it packed for South America." "Imagine that, Dodo!" "Everybody admired it." "Everybody!" "So wonderfully clever of you." "Thank you so very much, dear." "Oh, they were there." "Yes, I saw them in the back." "Yes, it was." "(MRS THATCHAM continues speaking)" "Mrs Whitstable was most insistent you should take this with you, sir." "Most insistent, she was." "Thank you, Millman." "Of course, we had such cheerful weather." "(DOOR CLOSES)"