"Yeah, Cheech and Chong!" "Cheech and Chong!" "Cheech and Chong, yeah!" "Welcome to QTV," "I'm your correspondent Doug, and this is my partner Dougie." "Hello." "How did you get these seats, dude?" "Oh, my cousin gave them to me." "Yeah, after I put a knife up to his throat." "And we're here to critique the costumes of the Cheech and Chong show." "I like these guys, man." "Yeah, they're funny." "Got all their records." "I stole all their 8-tracks." "All right, all you knuckleheads in the back drinking, get your asses back here and in your seats so we can get this show going." "Ladies and gentlemen, your featured act this evening has appeared on Howard Stern and Comedy Central." "She's also appeared in three Cheech and Chong movies." "She's Tommy Chong's favorite co-star." "Please welcome the very funny and very sexy Shelby Chong." "Oh, hola." "Let's hear it for San Antonio." "A little skinny for me, but that bitch is hot." "Yeah." "Did everybody get high to come see Cheech and Chong?" "I had a little shitzu like that." " You're serious." " Mmm." "Did you guys get high at home or in the car?" "Don't you love pot?" "Isn't it the best thing in the whole world?" "I love pot!" "It makes everything better." "Food tastes better." "Tommy thinks I'm a fabulous cook." "Sex is better." "Hey, this is cool out here, man." "Hey, all right." "Yeah, this is nice." "Fucking cold, man." "Do you guys know what smoking pot is good for?" "Everything!" "Well, it's good for when you're PMSing." "When I'm PMSing, Tommy smokes a ton of pot." "Hey, well, light it up, man." "Light what up?" "The joint, come on." "I don't have a joint." "What?" "You invited me out here, man." "But I don't" "Stupid." "Hey, Shelby's kicking ass." "Yeah, she's doing good." "And when we first met Cheech, we didn't even know what a Mexican was then." "And then Tommy figured it out." "He said, "Shelby, it's like an Indian without a casino."" "I got a roach." "Ha ha!" "I have a roach." "Hey, the roach will do." "Oh, shit, it's starting to rain." "Here." "Here, put this on your head." "It'll keep you dry-- hat dry for the show." "Oh, okay." "What a good idea." "All right, light it up." " I don't have a match." " What?" "I got no" "Fuck, it's cold." "We got to go." "Come on." "We don't have time." "Let's go." "Fuck Bush for putting Tommy Chong in jail for selling a bong." " Yeah." "I'm so glad we're rid of him." "There's no door handle." "What?" "Well, open it." "It's not opening." "Hey, hello." "And I woke up." "My head was banging." "Then I realized it was someone banging at the door." "Hey!" "I can't hear when you're fucking banging." "Hold on." "And there's, like, ten cops standing there." "They got their rifles out and their helmets on." "They're, like, banging, banging at the door." "Finally, Tommy opened up the door and goes," ""Hey, man, Dave's not here."" "We got to go." "We got to go." " There's a thing." " Oh, that looks dangerous, man." "Well, you go first." "Why me?" "Because you go on first." "Come on." "Let's go." "Well, how-- how do you do this?" "It's weighted." "You just got to go to the end." "Hey, any you guys seen my guys around anywhere?" "Oh, shit." "I'm getting close here, you know?" "And I really am getting a little bit nervous." "Shit." "Come on, we got to go, man." "Shelby must be off by now." "If you guys are gonna start a glass business or a bong business, don't put your face on the bong." "That doesn't look stable at all." "Wait, whoa." "And then the cop comes up and goes," ""Mr. Chong, have you got any marijuana in here?"" ""Of course I do." "I'm Tommy Chong."" "And the judge sentenced Tommy to nine months in jail." "See you, sucker." "I'm sitting there thinking," ""Wow, I fucked up." "I should've married Cheech."" "But thank God for conjugal visits." "If Cheech didn't visit me once a week" "Fuck off, man." "Don't piss around." "I wouldn't have fucked anybody." "Hey, hello." "Jesus Christ." "Fuck!" "God damn it." "Thank you very much." "That's my time." "Now for the stars of the show." "Through those doors." "The Maharishi of Marijuana!" " Excuse me." " Hey, back up." "Hold on." "Hold on." "We're Cheech and Chong." "Join the other Cheech and Chongs." "Get in the back of the line." "We're Cheech and Chong." "This is Cheech." "The Pope of dope." "Why don't you get in line like everybody else?" "Cheech and Chong!" "Shit." "Hey, guys." "Come on, man." "She's about to go off." " What are you doing, man?" " How come the doors are locked?" "Tommy is right in back of me." "Which one is that, Ching or Chang?" "He gained a little bit of weight, didn't he?" "A little weight, yes, he did." "He's giving those suspenders a workout." "You're Tommy?" "Can I have your autograph?" "Chinga, chinga, chinga, chinga, chinga, chinga, chinga, chinga." "Chinga, chinga, chinga" "Cabrón, cabrón, cabrón, cabrón." "Puta, puta, puta, puta, puta, puta." "Hey, I'm just a love machine" "And I don't work for nobody but you" "Ooo, hey." "San Anton', baby, what's up, huh?" "Hey, mami, want a ride?" "Come on over." "I'll clear a place for you to sit down." "Yeah, right there, honey." "Fuck you, stuck-up bitch." "Man, shit." "I'm just a love machine" "And I don't work" "Ooh, look at that kid's hitchhiking." "Hey, hey, baby." "You, come on, you want a ride?" "Yeah, bend over." "I'll drive you home, honey." "And pick him up." "Pick him up." "Oh, here comes the other one." "This is his grandfather, I think." "Hey, you ain't a chick, man." "Yeah, I know, man." "Hey, it's the only way I can get a ride, man." "I've been hitchhiking out there for hours, man." "I almost froze my balls off." "I didn't think you had any." "That's why I stopped, man." "Shit." "Wow, I like your car, man." "Oh, you do?" "Are these dingle balls?" "Yeah, yeah, old school, dude." "And what's on the headliner, man?" "That's shag carpet, man." "Yeah." "Yeah, I got the last 2 yards of pink shag they had, man." "It's just I put it everywhere, dude." "I put it on the headliner, on the dashboard, on the floor, man." "I even put it in the ashtrays, man." "It's like being inside a giant pussy." "Yeah, I never thought of it like that, man." "God damn, I feel like a tampon now, man." "Uptight and out of sight." "You know what's weird?" "What?" "You look like a tampon, man." "Do I?" "Oh." "Oh, yeah." "Oh, yeah." "And you know what's really cool?" "This car smells like a pussy, man." "Yeah, expensive, man." "No, fishy." "Oh, no, no, that's me." "I work at Red Lobster, man." "Oh." "Hey, what do you got under the hood, man?" "Anything special?" "Oh, you want to find out, man?" "Here we go." "Hey, how far you going, man?" "The end of the block is fine, man." "Here we are at the live Cheech and Chong Light Up America Show." "And look who we have here." "Sister Mary Elephant." "Hey, ese, you ain't afraid of a little speed are you, man?" "You got speed, man?" "Oh, no, you know what?" "I had a bunch of speed last night, man." "But I had to take it because I had to cram for my urine test this morning, man." "Hey, but you know what I do got, man?" "I got a joint, man." "I taught Cheech in grade school from grade 1 to 8." "I can't believe it." "And what kind of a student was he?" "Well, he was very squirrelly until we got him on those pills, and then he calmed down quite a bit." "Come on, light it up and let's get Chinese eyes, man." "Looks like a toothpick, man." "No, no, it's just rolled real tight, man." "Tight, tight." "No, it's a toothpick." "It's not a" "Fuck, it's a toothpick." "What do you think of marijuana?" "Oh, I didn't teach her." "Must've got the wrong pocket, man." "I got it over in the secret stash over here." "No, that's my dick." "Ouch." "No, here, here." "Here's the other one, man." "Light that puppy up, man." "Geez, I hope your dick's bigger than this, man." "You want to walk, man?" "Shit, fuck." "You're here to see Cheech and Chong?" "Well, yes, because Dave's not here." "I don't know what that means." "Oh, my goodness." "But I have the T-shirt." "Please, boys and girls." "Please, could you bring it down?" "You know, I wouldn't feel right smoking this little guy." "What?" "Give it back, man." "You keep it." "I got a joint I've been carrying around with me for a while." "Oh, that's cool." "Boys and girls." "Boys and girls." "Shut up!" "It looks like a number 3 burrito, man." "All right, fuck, yeah, man." "Shit, man." "Yeah, man, this tastes" "Fuck." "Is he supposed to be smoking a joint?" "Uh, I don't know." "I can't see that far, man." "Kind of grabs you by the poo-poo, don't it?" "Hey, smoke a real one, man." "Tastes weird, man." "Oh, that's the K-Y jelly, man." "What?" "Yeah, I got a friend in jail, man." "And he wanted me to smuggle some dope in for him, you know?" "So I smuggled it in, but I forgot I had it, man." "So I smuggled it back out, man." "I thought that was peanut butter on there, man." "Fuck." "Eh, fuck it." "I kind of like the K-Y jelly because that way your lips don't stick to the paper." "But you only need a little bit, man, because this shit will tear you up." "God damn, man, I can't feel my lips." "Oh, that's the Preparation H, man." "Am I driving okay, man?" "I think we're parked, man." "Am I parked okay?" "Well, we're stopped in the middle of the road, man." "Fuck, my heart is beating really fast, man." "I can't breathe, man." "Whoa, hey, hey." " Hold on, man." " I'm gonna pass out, man." "Here." "I got something that'll take the edge off, man." "Here, just take a couple of these, man." "Okay." "Oh, wait, hey." "Don't take those, man." "What?" "What?" "Fuck, man." "I almost gave you the wrong shit." "I already took them, man." "Oh!" "What?" "Oh, man." "What was in that shit, man?" "You just ate all my acid, man." "What?" "There's at least 10,000 hits on that." "What?" "I never had no acid before, man." "I'm sorry." "I don't mean to laugh, man." "But I hope you're not busy for about a year." "Oh, my head is going to explode, man." "God damn, I see those guys around my neighborhood had too many acids." "No, no, no, man." "Mellow out, man." "Come on, ohm." "Ohm with me." "Ohm..." " Ohm..." " Ohm..." "There." "You mellow?" "Yeah." "Feels good, don't it, man?" "Yeah." "Blah!" "Hey, are farts supposed to be lumpy, man?" "I'm on fucking acid, yeah." "Fuck, man." "Hey." "The cops pulled up behind us." "The cops are be" "Just be cool." "Be cool." " Hey, we're on acid!" " Fuck, man." "Haa!" "What?" "Where's my license?" "It's on the bumper back there." "Oh, I got my drive" "I thought of something really funny." "Your mama." "What?" "What's my name?" "Oh, fuck." "Isn't it on there on the license, man?" "What's his?" "I don't know." "I picked him up-- All right, all right." "Fuck, dude." "Chill." "Hey, man, the dude wants to know your name, man." "Tell the dude your name." "Uh, his name is Ralph, man." "Go." "Out." "Everybody out." "Everybody out." " Stand by to restore." "Restore, go, in the center." "Get Tommy." "There you go." "Both spots on Tommy." "That's it." "Thank you." "Thank you." "Thank you." "Thank you." "Thank you, my children." "Bless you." "Bless you." "Bless you." "Well, our long nightmare is finally over." "Cheech and Chong are back together again." "Yes, yes." "Whoa, Cheech and Chong back together, yeah." "How exciting is it being at the Cheech and Chong show?" "Isn't this great?" "I'm plotzing here." "No one's happier than I, I'll tell you, man." "Because I was tired of hanging out at Home Depot." "You know?" "Really, I'd look over the guys, and if I found one that looked like Cheech I'd hire him." "He get in the car and he'd go "¿Trabajo?"" "I'd go, "No, smoko."" "There you go." "It's sort of a bummer, though, that you guys didn't get to be in the show." "Well, we" " They asked." "Our agent really screwed everything up." "He thought we were busy." "We weren't busy." "And we weren't busy." "Of course you weren't busy." "Who would want to hire you guys?" "We were busy, but not that busy." "Not that we couldn't drop everything to do Cheech and Chong." "We'd do them in a second." "The truth is we broke up because we got rich." "And you can't make a rich Mexican do shit, boy." "Yeah!" "Over the years I'd say, "Cheech, we got to work."" "He'd go, "l don't think so, man." ""You go ahead, ese." "I'm gonna" ""I'm gonna stay here and do something for my people." ""Yeah, I'm going to learn Spanish."" "Hey, I'm learning Spanish." "I know my Mexican name-- pendejo." "Yes, it means "my very good friend," right?" "Yes." "But when we got together, the only problem we had was what to do." "Because we hadn't been together for a long time." "So what we did, we got on YouTube." "And the one bit that really stuck out is the one we're gonna do now." "It's called "Let's Make A Dope Deal,"" "and here's your host," "Wayne Dickerson." "Let's make a dope deal." "I don't got nothing on me." "Hey." "Hey, peace on you." "Peace on you." "Peace on you." "Peace on you." "Hey, Jimmy, the idiots in the balcony are throwing shit, okay?" "Shit." " It's joints, but still." " Okay." "Play America's favorite daytime buzz show," "Let's Make A Dope Deal." "Are you ready to play?" "I don't know if blue is the best jacket for him." "All right, is everybody ready?" "Are they toked up?" "I wonder who he blew." "So let's not waste any more time." "Let's bring up our first contestant." "Let's have a big warm welcome for Bob Mitchell!" "Yeah!" "Whoo!" "Yeah!" "Nothing's sadder than an old hippie." "Mmm." "How you doing, Bob?" "Uh, bitchen, man." "He's bitchen." "Well, you look bitchen." "This is for you, man." "Oh, thank you, man." "You smell bitchen, too." "Now, I understand, Bob, that you're the head of the experimental chemistry department at Texas AM University." "Yes, I am, man." "Wow." "Longhorns!" "That is" " That is" "Moo!" "That is very impressive." "Now, what kind of experiments you guys been doing lately?" "Lately, we've been just fucking the dog and selling the pups." "Really, man." "That's" " That's great, Bob." "We're on national TV." "Really?" "Hey, anybody want to buy a pup?" " Oh, let's" " They're really cute." "Tell you what." "Why don't we just get right into the game, okay?" "All right, you know the rules." "You start off with a stash of 10 ounces of BC bud." "Oh, 10 ounces?" "10 ounces." "Can I quit now?" "Uh." "No, no, no, you have to play the game." "All right, Bob, now, the questions get harder at every level." "So how many ounces you want to bet on the first question?" "The whole 10, man." "All of them!" "He's gonna double his stash." "Double my stash." "All right, here we go, Bob." "For 15 ounces, you ready?" "Okay." "All right, 15 ounces." "Here we go." "For our first question, what is your name?" "It's Bob." "Dumb fuck." "This is the easiest question." "Remember?" "I said, "Hey, let's have a big hand for..."" "Neal." " No, no, no." "Close." " Bob." "Bob, all right, Bob." "All right, Bob, you now have 9 ounces." "Way to go, okay." "How many you want to bet this round?" "Well, all of them" "All of them!" "He's gonna double the stash again." "All right, here we go, Bob." "Second question, gets harder now." "Spell your name." "Spell your name." "Spell Bob." "Spell Bob?" "Spell Bob." "All right, I'll give you a hint." "It starts with a B." "B." "B, right." "O!" "Uh, I'll give you another hint." "It ends with a B." "BB." "So close." "So close." "Tell you what." "I'm going to double your stash again." "What do you think of that?" " Oh!" " Absolutely right" " O." "B-O-B." "You just went on to the next level." " Way to go." "Let's have a hand for him." " I'm on a roll, man." "You're on a roll." "All right, how many do you want to bet now?" "All of them." "He's gonna double his stash again." "Here we go, Bob." "For 9 ounces" "Wait a minute, man." "What?" "I started out with 10, man." "Yeah, and you doubled it." "You doubled it again." "You're gonna double to a third time." "Three times three is nine." "Oh, okay." "All right, Bob, for 9 ounces, questions get harder" "Bob!" "Right, Bob, that's" "You're in the right direction." "But spell Bob backwards." "B-O-B." "Absolutely right." "B-O-B." " Aah, he's too smart." " Go, Longhorns!" "You're sharp as a spoon." "Here we go." "You have 5 ounces now." "Here we go." "For 5 ounces, complete this phrase." "No stems, no seeds that you don't need" "Acapulco gold is" "Bad-ass weed" "Absolutely right." "Absolutely right." "You have 3 ounces, Bob." "Whoa!" "All right." "Last question, Bob." "In front of you, you see three doors." "Oh, that's right." "Morrison died." "No" "No, not those kind of Doors, Bob." "I know." "I just wanted to see how many old fucks are here tonight." "Well, sounds like a lot of old fucks." "All right, behind one of those doors, Bob, is 100 pounds of Willy Weed." "Ooh." "100 pounds." "I want that door, man." "I'll bet you do." "Behind another one of those doors, Bob, is 500 pounds of Black Afghani hash." "Ooh." "How long has it been since you've had hash?" "Look at my eyes, man." "About 15 minutes, yeah." "Very good." "Very good." "But behind another one of those doors is Sergeant Sedanko of the DEA." "Ooh." "We don't want that door, do we?" "I don't want to get busted, man." "Very good." "Good strategy." "All right, so what will it be, Bob?" "Will it be door number 1, door number 2, or door number 3?" " 4." " 4" " We don't have 4." "I don't want to get busted, man." "I know, but you got to choose 1, 2, or 3." "Come on, 1, 2, or 3." " 2, 1." " 2, 1." "1, 1, 2, 1, 2-  3." " 3." "Okay, 2." "All right, 2." "Let's open up door number 2 and see what's behind that door." "It's 500 pounds of Black Afghani hash!" "You win the grand prize, Bob!" "Get the grand prize up here for him." "Let me show you where my heart is." "I'm going to donate all my hash to you people, yes." "Yeah, I'll take the hash." "Yeah, man." "Sell that motherfucker." "I can fence it for you." "How many Mexicans are here tonight?" "Okay." "Okay." "How many are here illegally?" "Eh, ¿qué pasa?" "We did research and we found that Mexicans are in every state of the Union in America." "Every state, including Alaska." "I met Cheech in Canada." "That's how far he snuck up." "All the way to Canada." "Who, me, me, me, me" "Yeah, you, you, you, you" "Oh" "Oh, crap." "Come on, man." "Ow." "There's only one place that Mexicans have not conquered yet." "They haven't snuck into outer space." "Tonight we're going to take care of that." "We're going to show you the first Mexican in outer space." "Here he is." "Hey, man, you see those guys there?" "Ooo." "Who's this little cutie pie?" "Oh, this is Javier." "Say hi to Shelby." "Hello, Shelby." "Oh, hi, Javier." "They must be friends of Cheech's." "Is that a dog collar he's wearing?" "He has everything he owns wearing collars." "Launch sequence engaged." "10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1." "Ignition." "Oh, look at all you pigeons." "You know ol' Charlie's coming, don't you?" "Yeah, there" " There you go." "Here's some bread crumbs for you." "Oh, I got some cookies, too." "Oh, you like this, don't you?" "There you go." "Oh, don't get greedy." "There's enough for everybody." "Oh, come on." "Get your little" "Come on, little fat butt over here." "Oh, you're a big fat guy, aren't you?" "Come on over here." "There you go." "He got that pigeon good, didn't he?" "Yep, gonna have a little pigeon taco tonight." "Have you ever had squab?" "And here he comes." "Pick him up." "Hey, fuck you." "Yeah, fuck you, too." "Hey, fuck you, too." "Hey, we know him, man." " Yeah." " Hey, give us some beer." "Excuse me, sir." "Huh?" "I don't want to interrupt your meal, but do you speak English?" "Uh, yeah." "Good." "Fuck off." "Hey, that's good." "I like you, old man." ""Fuck off."" "Hey, want some beer, man?" "Come on, have some beer." "Oh, I get it." "I get it." "You speak it, but you don't understand it." "Is that your problem?" "What?" "Oh, then can I ask you a serious question?" "Okay, okay." "Did you shit your pants?" "Uh, yeah, I did, man." "How could you tell?" "Well, why the hell don't you go home and change them, for Christ's sake?" "Hey, I ain't done yet, man." "Hey, pull my finger." "Get the hell out of here." "If you don't fuck off, I'm gonna get out of this chair and I'm gonna kick you in the balls." "Oh, you gonna kick me in the balls, huh?" "Okay, Pele, give it a shot, man." "Bend them like Beckham." "Well, you sure the hell don't give a guy much of a target, do you?" "Hey, hey, you're really funny, funny bunny." "Come on, let's play a game, funny bunny." "Don't touch me." "Come on, let's play some" "Let's play race car driver, okay?" "You like that one?" "You know, you should have more respect for me." "Oh, yeah, why's that?" "For all you know, I could be your daddy." " Yeah, you could be my daddy." " That's right." "I used to fuck buffalos." "By Jesus, you look an awful lot like your mama, you know that?" " Hey." " Well, you do." "And you sure the hell smell like her." "That's for goddamn sure." "That's enough, man." "Come on, you want to get down?" "You think I'm scared of you, you son of a bitch?" "I'll give you one in the head." "Hey, no time outs, man, come on." "Hey, I'm going to take your wallet." "I'm going to take your wallet." "Fucking pigeon in here, God damn." "¡Cochino!" "Hey, come on, dude." "Quit fucking around." "Come on, let's go." "I was having a good" " Hey." " Hey." "Oh, fuck." "Hey, hey, sir." "Hey, Mister sir." "Hey, oh, shit." "Oh, shit, fuck, God damn." "Hey, I'm on parole, fucker." "Hey, run." "Oh, fuck, I'm sorry, dude." "I'm sorry, I didn't mean" "Scared the shit out of you that time." "Didn't I, you little bastard." "I knew he wasn't dead." "Oh, yeah?" " Yeah." " Oh." "Because they got to do the rest of the show, man." "Oh, yeah." "That's Chong." "That's Chong." "Go, out." "Everybody out." "There we go." "Okay, standby to restore." "Same thing, in the center on Tommy." "Thank you." "Before we get into our music portion of the show," "I would like to talk to you a little bit about my time in jail." "Hey, homeboy." "Up here." "We've been in jail." "It's not as bad as you think it is." "You know all that Bubba stuff?" "That homo stuff?" "It's not true." "It doesn't hurt." "No, I'm only kidding." "I'm only kidding." "Hickey, come on, two minutes." "Oh, okay." "Me, me, me, me, me, me, me" "You, you, you, you, you, you, you" "Him, him, him, him, him, him, him" "They put me in jail for bongs, right?" "The whole time I was in jail, I kept thinking," ""What were they trying to prove here?"" "Take away our bongs, we won't be able to smoke our dope?" "Because the truth is you get a bud and no way to smoke it, you turn into MacGyver in a heartbeat, don't you?" "I've known hippies that couldn't find their ass with either hand, but hand them anything and tell them to make a pipe, and they'll grab it" "I got it." "You can use anything to smoke pot out of, man." "My favorite is a Tampax tube." "Got a real familiar taste, built-in filter, and the greatest thing-- if you got to hide it, just hand it to your old lady." "And it's got the little flag on the end so you always know where your dope is." "Oh, shit." "The other thing I had to do in jail was I had to take a drug education course." "Well, actually, I taught it." "I did." "Fuckers didn't know anything about dope, man." "They're trying to tell us that marijuana is a dangerous drug." "I told them." "I said marijuana is the friendliest drug you'll ever come across." " Right?" "Listen to me." "It's the only drug I know where you take a hit, your first impulse is to give it to somebody." "But I like this one, too." "Marijuana makes you lazy and unmotivated." "Whoa." "Now, there's a reason to put someone in jail, huh?" "Pretty soon, that'll be against the law, and I'll be the first guy in court." "I can just see the judge now." "He'll be looking at me going," ""Mr. Chong, you have been charged with being lazy and unmotivated." "How do you plead?" "Mr. Chong?"" ""Bailiff, will you wake the prisoner, please?"" "Well, it's true." "Marijuana does make you lazy." "In fact, I remember one time I was stoned." "I'm laying on the couch, and I couldn't find that channel changer, man." "But I noticed if I moved my ass a certain way, the TV would change anyway." "I never did find that changer, man." "But I got so good, I could TiVo that motherfucker." "Let's go, buddy." "Our first musical guest tonight is a young man that appeared in Cheech and Chong's Next Movie." "Let's hear it for Red Hickey!" "How y'all tonight?" "Hey, man, where's the bathroom?" "You have to use the dressing room." "That's the only one that's available." "I-- l" " I'm kind of nervous up here." "I'm a street singer." "I'm not used to being on the stage or nothing, boy." "Boy, I'm so nervous, you couldn't get a pin up my ass with a jackhammer right now." "I'll tell you what." "Thank you very much." "Aah, hey, Chong." "What's up, motherfucker?" "Hey, hey, it's me" " Juno." "How'd you get in here?" "Oh, man, it's me" " Juno, you know?" "Juno?" "Juno what I'm talking about?" "God damn, it's hot up here with all these lights and everything." "I get relative humidity, you know?" "That's the sweat that forms on your balls when you're doing your cousin." "You know, relative humidity?" "You get it?" "Thank you very much." "Aah, you look good, motherfucker." "Yeah." "You know, y'all ought to put me on the show, man." "I'm a rapper." "I do rap." "I could breakdance, and l" " Oh." " I could introduce y'all." "Right, right, a black rapper in jail." " Yeah, now I remember you." " Yeah, yeah, all right." "What do you get when you cross a leprechaun with a prostitute?" "You get a little bitty fucker about that big." "You get it?" "" " Thank you very much." "How'd you get in here?" "I got a little gig delivering Chinese food, man, so I thought, hey, bring this over to the theater for Chong." "Man, that mother's my dawg, man." "Yeah." "How you jack off a dinosaur?" "Like this here." "You get it?" "" " Thank you very much." "Could y'all help me out, man?" "I'm a little short right now." "Maybe, you know, a couple hundred, 500, a thousand, whatever you got, you know." "You know, I don't carry any cash on me." "I'm right in the middle of the show, man." "I'd really like to do it, but l" "Yeah, gonna be like that?" "All right." "All right." "No, seriously, man." "Well, you know, I just brought your Chinese food." "So have your Chinese food, Chinese motherfucker." "We've been traveling all over the country with the Ching and Chang show." "Sometimes we don't know where the hell we are, you know?" "But I knew today that we were coming to San Antonio, Texas, boy." "And I love San Antonio 'cause my dear departed daddy, he was from San Antonio." "I remember the last words he ever said to me." "He said, "Hey, watch this."" "" " Thank you very much." "I'd like to liven up the mood here, and I want-- l-l-I want-- I want to sing a song." "Thank you very much." "I want to dedicate it to my girlfriend of 16 years." "Well, she'll be 16 in about two weeks, so-- " " Thank you very much." " I always love dressing cowboy, don't you?" " Mm-hmm." "Boy, these young girls today, I'll tell you what, man." "Th-they're all wild." "They got piercings and tattoos all over every place, you know?" "I think he pulls it off." "I think he pulled it off a scarecrow." "My girl come home t'other day, and she had a tattoo of a clam shell right on her inner thigh there, you know?" "You could put your head up to it and smell the ocean, you know?" "It was just a beautiful thing." "Beautiful." "All right, so I want to sing you a little song." "And it's a love song, and if you know the words," "I want you to join on in." "Okay?" "Here goes." "Goes something like this here." "Me" "And my old lady" "We like, we like, we like to get outside" "Oh, thank you very much." "But sometimes people space us out" "So we just make like a bakery truck and haul buns out of there" "Oh, sometimes we are so much in love" "That we go on a picnic and don't even take any beer" "We just cruise around" "Looking for the main drag in town" "Listen to this cowboy motherfucker." "We go to the 7-Eleven and get ourselves some beef jerky" "Motherfucker's song don't even rhyme." "...and my old lady" "Oh we like, we like, we like to get outside" "Thank you very much." " You like country music?" " Yeah, I do, man." " I like that one song." " Which one?" "Oh, that "l lost my dog."" "I want to bring out another musical friend of mine." "Ain't no motherfucking friend of mine." "He's from Africa, Mississippi." "So let's have a big, warm welcome for none other than Blind Melon Chitlin." "Come on." "He's so old, he farts dust." "Blind Melon, head him on" "Gonna walk off the fucking stage there." "Come on, over here, Blind Melon." "Hyah, hyah." "Here, doggie, hyah, hyah." "Hyah hyah hyah." "Hyah, hyah." "There." "All right, there you go." "Let's have another hand for him." "Blind Melon Chitlin." "Come on." "He ain't playing it." "That ain't him, is it?" " Yeah." " Nah, that ain't him." "It's a record." "I'm Blind Melon Chitlin" "I used to drink 4 quarts of whiskey every day" "Then I started pissing blood in the morning" "So I stopped that shit right away" "I can't understand a word he's saying." " But he's sober." " Not a fucking word." "He's sober." "Well, I wish he'd get drunk again." "Now all I do is smoke my reefer" "And get as high as a motherfucker every day" "Every way" "Every goddamn day, yeah" "Thank you all." "Thank y'all." "Right now I want to sing a song and dedicate it to all the freaky women in the audience tonight." "I love women." "I tell you, when you're blind, there's only two kind of women-- those that smell good and those that don't." "I love them both." "Yeah, I love a stinky woman." "At least you know where she's at." "Dah dah dah dah." "Yeah." "I had me a freaky woman the other night." "Oh, let me tell you about her." "I took her home, and the first thing she did when she walked in the door, she took off her leg and put it on the dresser." "Then she took off her titties and put them on the dresser." "Then she took out her teeth and her glass eye and her hair, and put them on the dresser." "Hell, I didn't know whether to get in bed or get on the dresser." "But that old toothless bitch, she could sing." "Let me tell you." "So I played a little guitar, and she sang a song went like this here." "She said Blind" "This party's jumping" " I'm having a good time" "But you know what's really on my mind?" "Don't clap." "You'll fuck me up." "You mind if I get comfortable?" "Take off all my shit and put it on the dresser too" "And while I'm giving you some head" "Play me some of your down-home blues" "Down-home blues" "Down-home blues" "All she wanted to hear was some down-home blues" "All night long" "It's the only thing she let me do" "She gave me the best head" "And I boogied off her down-home blues" "I played her some blues, I said." "I said, "Baby, how do you like my blues so far?"" "Well, she looked up at me with tears in her eyes." "And this is what she said." "Oh, hell, yeah" "Down-home blues" "Down-home blues" "All she wanted to hear was my" "Down-home blues." "Well, y'all sound like a busload of retards, man." "Come on." "Let's do that again." "This time, I want all the men with dicks over 10 inches, y'all sing." "Here we go." "When I say "Down-home blues," you repeat it, here we go." "Down-home blues" "Lot of black folk in the house tonight, uh-huh." "And some tough women." "I heard a woman sing on that last one." "That's okay, Ellen, strap-ons count." "Just give me some good head" "And I boogie off your down-home blues" "Thank y'all." "Thank y'all." "Right now, ladies and gentlemen, it's my extreme pleasure to bring out this little motherfucker that just got out of rehab." "Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck." "Fuck." "Please welcome the one, the only" "This is gonna be weird, man." "Fuck." "Geez." "Fucking Alice is having a fucking hissy fit." "We always knew it could fucking go wrong with him anyway." "Alice!" "Alice!" "What the fuck is wrong with you people?" "What?" "Every one of these hot dogs is supposed to have brown German mustard on it!" "Brown German mustard!" "Look." "It's on my rider." "Look, it's on-- Where the fuck is it?" "It's on my rider." "I had" " Ah, there it is." "Brown German mustard." "I'm here alone!" "I'm all alone in this place!" "Hey, where's the motherfuck come over to help me, for fuck's sake?" "No blue MMs." "No blue MMs!" "Not all blue MMs!" "Jimmy!" "Jimmy!" " Jimmy!" " Hey, motherfucker, what the fuck are you" "I can't go on." "What the fuck are you yelling about, motherfucker?" " Get your damn ass out here." " Who the fuck are you?" " Who the fuck am I?" " Yeah." "Who's blind around here, you or me, motherfucker?" "Take a look." "I'm Blind Melon Chitlin." " Blind Melon Chitlin?" " Yeah, I just introduced your ass out there." "You're a god!" "You're a god." "I worship you." "You're a god." "Let me suck your dick." "Hey, hey, we don't have time." "Alice!" "Alice!" "Puto, puto." "They're calling "Alice, Alice, Alice."" " You know what that means?" " What?" "That means you better get your little skinny ass up there." "Or the motherfuckers are going to tear this theater apart, you understand?" " l" " They love you." " Love me?" " They love you." " They love you." " They love me." "Yes." "The music world loves you." "They" " They need you." " They do." "They need me." " They need you." " Yeah." " Get out there." "They need me, and they love me." "All right." "All right, I'll do it, Blind." " Go." "Go." " Let me suck your dick." " No, no, we'll talk about that later." " Okay." "I gotta get dressed." "I'll" " Go introduce me again." " Jimmy!" " Yeah, okay." " Jimmy, go to" " Introduce me again." "I'm ready." "They love me." "They need me." "Turn the motherfucker on, man." "Ladies and gentlemen" "They need me!" "The one, the only Mr. Alice Bowie." "Here he is!" " Get his ass out here." "My mama talking to me trying to tell me how to live" "But I don't listen to her 'cause my head is like a sieve" "My daddy, he disowned me" "'Cause I wear my sister's clothes" "He caught me in the bathroom with a pair of pantyhose" "My basketball coach, he done kicked me off the team" "For wearing high-heeled sneakers and acting like a queen" "The world's coming to an end, I don't even care" "As long as I can have a limo and my orange hair" "And it don't bother me if people think I'm funny" "'Cause I'm a big rock star, and I'm making lots of money" "Money, money, money, money, money, money" "I'm so bloody rich." "I own apartment buildings and shopping centers." "And I only know three chords." "Watch me!" "You fools!" "Hey, where-- where's Margaret, man?" "Where'd she go?" "Where's Margaret?" "I don't know where Margaret is." "She's in the bathroom." "Jesus." "Hey." "Tutus come in handy in so many ways." "You know, not just because they look good." "But if you walk into a certain spot, the tutu will tell you whether or not you can get out." "I'm back!" "Few people know that." "Cheech and Chong!" "Cheech and Chong!" "Cheech and Chong!" "Come on, Margaret, where the hell are you?" "Get out of that goddamn toilet and get out here." "It's only a porno movie." "That looks exactly like my father." "That looks like one of my ex-father-in-laws." "Christ." "I never been in a porno theater before." "Sure the hell smells weird." "Smells like wet puppy." "And what the hell's on the floor?" "I keep sticking to the goddamn floor." "There's crap all over the seat." "There's something" " Ew." "Well, this one ain't too bad." "You know, it's the damnedest thing." "You know, you pay an arm and a leg to get in these porno theaters, and all they give you is a popcorn box with the bottom cut out." "What the hell is this all about?" "Well, there's a guy got one on his lap." "And he's yanking on something, that's for sure." "Margaret!" "Oh, there she is." "Margaret." "Margaret." "Margaret, for Christ's sake, I'm over here." "Now, sit your ass down here." "We're gonna enjoy this." "I don't want to hear this bullshit." "What the hell's wrong with you now?" "Well, I know there's something on the seat." "That's why I didn't sit there." "Now, come on, sit down." "They're starting the movie." "Geez, I hope that's not the star." "She's uglier than your sister Ethel, for Christ's sake." "No goddamn wonder." "It is Ethel." "Margaret, that's your horny sister Ethel up there." "Holy" " We wondered what she'd been doing lately." "Looks like she's been doing a lot." "Well, just a minute." "She's taking off her clothes." "No, that ain't Ethel." "Oh, come on, lady, what are you gonna do, just stand there with your finger in your muffin?" "Boy, she's got a hell of an itch, don't she?" "Oh, those things stretch a mile, don't they?" "Hey, Margaret, she's smiling at you." "Look, she's doing impressions now." "Look at this." "There's Willie Nelson eating ice cream." "Now, what the hell's she got there, a Coke bottle?" "What the hell is she gonna do-- Oh, for Christ's sake." "Margaret, look." "Things go better with Coke." "Whoa, the goddamn bottle disappeared." "You see that?" "Oh, there it is." "Christ, she popped that clear across the room." "Did you see that, Margaret?" "Now, that's muscle control, by Jesus." "Now what is that?" "A big bowl of grapes?" "What the hell is she gonna-- Well, for Christ's sake." "She's feeding it." "The furry little monkey eats grapes." "Look at that, Margaret." "How the hell is she gonna get them out of there?" "That's what I want to see." "Oh, here they come." "Oh, Christ, she's eating them." "Oh, Jesus." "Are you getting sick?" "Well, don't puke in your purse, for Christ's sake." "Here, put your head between your legs." "Oh, Christ, that might make you sicker." "Sit up here, Margaret." "If it's gonna make you sick, don't look, okay?" "I'll tell you when to look." "Margaret, look." "They brought in a midget." "He got a little bitty" " Oh, no, he ain't." "That's the biggest goddamn midget I've ever seen." "He's still coming in the door." "Margaret, look." "He's going up on her." "He used it as a pole vault to get up there." "You see that?" "Holy geez, he disappeared." "What the hell is that, the Bermuda Triangle?" "Oh, she popped him out, too." "And he's eating the goddamn grapes." "Oh, for Christ's sake." "Come on, buddy." "If you're that hungry, I'll buy you a hamburger." "Oh, Margaret, look, look, look." "They brought in a dog." "He licked that little midget clean." "You see that?" "And he's eating the goddamn grapes." "Jesus Christ." "Oh, now they're getting sick." "Margaret, don't look at this." "They ruined the goddamn film." "I'm ready to go." "You ready to go?" "Now they brought in some black guy, for Christ's sake." "Oh, Jesus." "Oh, shit." "Yeah, that's horrible." "Okay, Margaret, let's go." "Come on." "When they start" " Margaret." "Oh, get it, baby." " Get it, baby." " Ooh." "Yeah, get it, baby." " Tear it up." " Yeah." "Listen, God damn it, I'm leaving." "Are you coming?" "Hey, man, you into old chicks?" "Only if they got money, man." "And restore, please." "In the center, on Tommy." "Thank you." "If you're a stoner in any way, shape, or form," "I would suggest you read the Bible because I checked it out, and I found out that God is a stoner." "Oh, shit." "Fuck." " My gun." " Oh, hey, man." "First of all, the first page," "God is known as "the most high."" "First page." "And when he created the heavens and the earth and the universe, on the sixth day, God gave us green herb." "Now, what did He do on the seventh day?" "Nothing." "He was too fucked up to work." "I'm gonna leave you here." "You all right?" "This is my dressing room." "Yep." "Right here." "Here you go." "And He turned Moses on." "And Moses talked to the burning bush." "I've done that." "God appeared to Moses in the form of a burning bush." "That meant God had to be the first dealer." "Of course He was." "He's God." "And I can see God on that mountain top right now." "He'd be all looking clean, a little bling bling, looking around." "And He'd go, "Mo, get your ass over here." "This bud's for Jews."" "Oh, fuck." "They were looking for the land of milk and honey." "The fuckers had the munchies." "I know that pot's good for you because my cat loves to get high." "The first time I got my cat stoned," "I didn't mean to." "I just didn't see him in the room." "And I didn't realize he was stoned till I watched him walk off a table." "And he didn't land on his feet." "No." "He took that one extra step and he went all over and started clawing shit." "Then he got hung up on one nail, and he's hanging there looking at me." "He gives me that look like "I'm okay." "No, I'm--"" "And he got loose." "Ohh!" "This tastes like shit." "And I think he got cotton mouth or something because he looked up at me, and he went" "I thought I was going deaf." "Then I realized he's fucked up." "So I had to give him a little kitty drug test." "I threw him at the curtains, and he didn't stick." "But he was so fucked up, he's thinking, "Fuck, I'm flying, man."" "Now, when I call my cat in from outside," "I don't go "Kitty, kitty, kitty."" "No, sir." "No." "I make a little sound like" "He hears that sound, he'll come running 50 miles away." "Then he'll follow me around the rest of the night like a little cat junkie, you know?" "Fire it up." "Come on, man." "I want to sit in the window and look at shit." "Okay, throw me at the curtains." "I wasn't ready, man." "But right now, we'd like to take you inside a backyard of" " Well, let's make it here in San Antonio." "Where we meet our heroes Ralph and Herbie." "Ralph!" "Herbie!" " I thought that was you." " Hey, how the hell are you?" "It's been a long time." "How are you?" "Hey, you're looking good, man." "You got a piercing." "How'd you do that, man?" "I sat on a stapler about 15 times." "Wow." "It looks really punk, huh?" "I like it, man." "It's so hip." "I want to do it." " You gotta show me how to do that." " It's really easy." "Hey, I love your new haircut." "Really?" "Wow." "What's that?" "That's like a reverse mohawk, huh?" "Yeah." "Wow." "I love how you got the hair to stick straight out like a porcupine." " I'm on a new vegetarian diet." " Wow." "My human put me on it because he's trying to help me get my shit together." "Thing is, man, with this new diet, I have to shit every five minutes." " Oh, that's" " In fact, I gotta go right now." " Oh, okay." " Hey, do you want to help me?" "Well, what do you want me to do?" "Well, now that you ask, will you lick my balls?" "This reminds me of Waiting for Godot." "Oh, you got a big wad of gum in there." "I ain't licking that." " No, no." " Oh, come on, man." "No, no, you lick your own." "Lick your own." "Never mind, I'll do it myself." "Well, come on." "I need some paper, then." "Paper?" "What, are you gonna read while you shit?" "No." "My human, he taught me how to crap on paper." "It's the only way I can go now." "Oh, okay." "Well, let me find" "Oh, here." "Here's some." "Well, no, that's a gum wrapper, man." " I need a newspaper." " Oh." "Give me the San Antonio whatever the fuck they call it." "There you go." "All right." "Oh, look, it's a picture of Bush and Cheney." "Let them go." "Hey, Herbie, here it comes." "Oh, it's gonna be a big one, too." "Oh, looks like the log ride at Disneyland." "Keep pushing, keep pushing." " You got it." "Oh." " Ow." "Wow, look at the size of that mother." "Whoa." "Did I do that?" " Man, you're gonna need stitches." " No kidding." "I could've used an epidural for that one." "You should have heard the sound when it hit the cement." " Sounded like a ham." "Boom." " Whoa, whoa, whoa." " What's the matter?" "What's the matter?" " What's the matter?" " Fifi." "Fifi." "Oh, she's in heat." " Oh, God." " Oh." " Oh, that little poodle gets me so horny." " No kidding, man." " Oh, man, I just want to" " Hey, knock it off." "Hey, hey, no, no." "Hey!" "Oh." "Knock it off!" "I'm sorry." "I don't know what got into me." "Well, I know what got into me." " Go ahead, get me back." " Get out of here, you homo." "Ralph, Ralph." "Ralph, Ralph, Ralph." "Hey." "Don't pay any attention to her." "I'll back her into you." "Hey, Fifi." "How you doing?" "Hey, where you been?" "You been on vacation?" "I like your new glasses." "Is that a new coat?" "You look really good." "Hey, nice to see you." "Here we go." "All right, I got her, got her." "No, no, no, not me!" "Not me!" "Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Cheech and Chong." "And Shelby!" " Oh, good." "I got to take a piss, man." " Oh, yeah?" "Here." "Want some pop?" "And out." "Everybody out." "Yeah, it's wonderful." "Ready, pick them up." "Took a walk to the corner store" "Just to buy a loaf of bread and a box of s'mores" "Up pulls a guy in a yellow van" "A shiny gold badge flashes in his hand" " He said" " All right, all you mojados, hit the floor." "I got one question to ask and nothing more." "Answer in English." "That is, if you can." "Where were you born, man?" "Where was I born?" "That's right, menudo breath, read my lips." "Where were you born?" "I was born in East L.A." "Man, I was born in East L.A." "Oh, you were born in East L.A., were you?" "I'm from East L.A." "Well, then, I guess you could tell me who the new President of the United States is." "What's his name?" "The President." "That's right." "Oh, yeah, yeah, I know that guy." "The black guy." "He just got elected." "His name is" " He has a cool name." "It's like Arock" " Arock-- Arock Your Mama." "Rock Your Mama's the President." "Sorry, wrong answer." "You're under arrest, Pedro." "Come on, let's go." "One spot on Tommy and Shelby, one spot on Cheech." "Keep them separate, there you go." "Good." "Next thing I know, I'm in a foreign land" "People talking so fast, I couldn't understand" "Nobody there to lend a helping hand" "I was cold, it was dark, it was a burger stand" "I wanna go back to East L.A." "I wish I was back in East L.A." "I don't belong here in downtown TJ" "'Cause I was born in East L.A." "I crawled under barbed wire, swam across the stream" "Went under six different trucks packed like sardines" "Walked all day in the burning sun" "Now I know what it's like to be born to run" "Up ahead was the promised land" "Shining like a star just beyond my hand" "All I could see was a golden glow" "I looked up, the sign said 5 zillion sold" "And I was back in East L.A." "Back in East L.A." "You know I'm never gonna stray" "'Cause I was born in East L.A." "Oh, L.A." "Too saltay" "I'm proud to say" "I'm from East L.A." "Let's hear it for Tommy and Shelby Chong." "Come on." "Whoo!" "I love being in San Antonio, man." "So we'd like to do something very special tonight for you." "I hope you like it." "It's the only serious part of our whole show." "It's a song of my people." "And I hope you like it." "Mexican Americans" "Don't like to just get into gang fights" "They like flowers and music and white girls named Debbie, too" "Mexican Americans love education" "So they go to night school and they take Spanish" "And get a "B"" "Mexican Americans" "Don't like to get up early in the morning" "But they have to, so they do it real slow" "Mexican Americans love their nanas" "And their nonos and their ninas and their ninos" "Nanoo Nanoo ninanono" "Don't call them beaners" "They're all over the place" "Don't call them beaners" "They'll up and kick you in the face" "Don't call them beaners" "When they drown in their cologne" "Don't call them beaners" "Even though they're nice when they're alone" "Don't call them beaners" "They don't like to be called beaners" "You can dress him up, but you can't take him out." "Where was I?" "Oh, yes." "My people." "Mexican Americans are named Chata" "And Chela and Chema" "And little Chema" "And have a son-in-law named Jeff" "Mexican Americans don't like to go to the movies" "Where the dude has to wear contact lenses" "To make his blue eyes brown" "'Cause don't they make my brown eyes blue" "Mexican Americans live in Los Angeles" "San Diego, San Francisco, and San Antonio, Texas" "And Jesus Christ, it's hot out there" "Mexican Americans have been here forever" "And we're gonna be here forever" "And we only want what's fair" "Mexican Americans!" "Thank you, Mexican Americans." "We want to sing one more song for you." "We want you all to sing along with us, okay?" "It's a song I know you all know." "But if you don't know all the words, they're gonna be right up here on the big screen." "So join my partner, Mr. Tommy Chong, and sing the following song." "Chengo?" "Here's some marshmallows for you." "All right, come on, Mexican Americans." "All right." "Hey, how come you don't inhale, man?" "I'm on probation." "All right, beaners." "All the beaners." "Come on, beaners." "All right!" "Everybody flip their phones on." "I want to see all those lights." "Come on, flick the phones on." "Come on in the balcony, let me see them on." "All right, come on, real loud, one more time." "One more time, real loud, everybody." "It's nice to be back." "We love you." "Woo!" "Yeah, dawg." " Yeah, it's wonderful." " One thumb way up." "Fist way up, way up there." "Calm down." "I love those guys." "Cheech and Chong!" "Cheech and Chong!" "Cheech and Chong!" "Cheech and Chong!" "Cheech and Chong!" "Cheech and Chong!" "Cheech and Chong!" "Cheech and Chong!" "Cheech and Chong!" "Cheech and Chong!" "Cheech and Chong!" "Cheech and Chong!" " Ah." " Oh, fuck." "This place is a trip, man." "Wow." "Ah." "San Antonio, man." "I didn't know I had so many cousins." "Oh, Jimmy." "Ooh, where'd you get that?" " Had my eye on it." " Those yo-yos in the balcony threw it down." " They threw it?" " And it made it all the way here?" " Yeah." "Way to go." " Did you hear them yelling?" " Yeah." "When you were-- You were pretending to smoke a joint and they were trying to help you out." ""Hey, here, smoke a real one."" "No, I just heard what the guy said when I was doing old man in the park and you died." ""Run!" "Run!"" "Good audience, man." "Good dope." " Free." " Good fans." "Thank you." " Where we going?" " I don't know." "Next city." " Where is that?" " I don't know." "I think it's still in Texas." "Let's go to the party." " All right." " What time's the party?" " Party's now." " Where's the party?" "In your mouth." "Everybody's coming." " Oh, that's so funny." " Hey, which way?" "Come on, man." "I don't know, man." "Ow." "Fuck." "Look." "Hey, there's a door." "Well, there's no door handle." "Well, open it, man." "There's no door handle." "Stick your dick in it." "Use it as a crowbar." " Hello!" " Hey!" " Hey, we're locked in here!" " Hello!" " Hey, quit banging, man." " I'm trying to hear." " Well, excuse me." " Okay." " Okay, put your head right up next to it." " Hey!" "Hey!" "Hey!" "Okay, this isn't funny anymore." " Hello!" "Hey, we're locked in here!" " Hey!" "It's Cheech and Chong!"