"[KATE HUMMING]" "Honey?" "Is something wrong?" "I just got a chill, as though something terrible is about to happen." "It has to do with him." "I know it." "These premonitions are becoming more frequent, aren't they?" "Willie, Kate, I have some disturbing news." " I told you." "Didn't I tell you?" " That's just a coincidence." "What disturbing news?" "I am deeply concerned about the amount of weight I've put on recently." "Oh, is that all?" "Well, you might find it cute and adorable but I'm afraid that genetically, I'm destined to die from the same fate my grandparents died from." " And that is?" " Physical implosion." "So far, this has all been good news." "I'll let that pass." "You see, when Melmacians gain weight our bodies become denser and denser until finally, we just burst from inside." "You're saying that you only gain weight internally?" "Yeah." "It's a primitive survival thing to ensure our clothes always fit." "Nature does have a way of taking care of the important things." "That is the most ludicrous thing you have ever said." "You wouldn't find humor in it if you had to wet vac your grandparents off the carpet." "WOMAN [ON TV]:--and one and two and one and two and breathe." "Okay, once again, inhale." "And exhale." "Ready?" "And up and back and up and back." " What are you doing?" " Exercising." "This is the sixth time I've watched this tape today." "I can't wait to weigh myself." "ALF, that's crazy." "You can't lose weight just by watching a workout tape." "Come on." "Get up." "I'll show you a couple of exercises." "Okay, but I feel it only fair to warn you I just ate." "[GRUNTING]" " I ate a lot." " I'll give you a hand." "Let me get my feet in a better position." "Uh, use your legs, Willie." "Bend from the knees." "[ALF AND WILLIE GRUNTING]" "What's going on out here?" "It's not what you think." "I'm trying to get ALF up on his feet." "You know, he is heavier than he looks." "Yes, but I'm still a perfect size seven." "Whoa!" "This is not embarrassing at all." "ALF, if you're really serious about losing weight you're gonna have to start exercising regularly and eating less." "How about if I just gave up eating your cooking?" "Oh, forget it." "If he wants to pork out, let him burst." " He doesn't care." " I do." "Oh, I'm just weak." "I have no willpower, Will." "I'm too young to implode." "All I need is a little help." "Would you help me?" "Please help me." "All right." "You heard him." "Starting immediately, you're going on a supervised diet." "You're going to be limited to 1500 calories a day." "No problem." "Now, just out of curiosity how many calories are there in a double cheeseburger large fries and chocolate shake?" "Eleven, what, twelve?" "I'd say probably 2100." "[GASPS]" "I'm in big trouble." "I'll diet tomorrow." " Roast smells good, Mom." " Great." "Here you go, ALF." " What's this?" " Supper." "It's a joke, right?" "It's a watercress salad." "It's on your diet." "Well, let's just take it off." "Try it." "I know it's tough, but nobody wants to see you implode." "Well, practically nobody." " Where's the dressing?" " I squeezed lemon juice on it for you." "Oh, for a minute there, I was worried it might be dry and tasteless." "When you finish that you can have some white rice and skinless broiled chicken." "Oh, great." "And maybe for dessert I can have a ball of wax." "[IN PIG LATIN] Brian, pass the meat and potatoes." "Dad, you speak French." "What did he say?" "He said he wants seconds on his salad." "Look, I'm grateful for the help, but Melmacians can't crash diet like this." "Sure they can." "All it takes is willpower." "That's not what I mean." "We have to lose weight very, very slowly over a period of time." "Say, 13 years." " Nice try." " It's true." "Crash dieting can cause an imbalance in my enzyme system." "I could be subject to a chemical reaction that might make me revert back to my primal instincts." "Oh, for heaven's sake, don't eat the damn salad." "I'm serious." "ALF, you pleaded with us to help you lose weight." "Now, if you think I can be conned into letting you off the hook because of some ridiculous story like that well, I'm a bigger fool than you are." "Well, in that case, pass the gravy, fool." "Okay, but I'm telling you it's gonna get weird." "[MUMBLING]" "Ooh." "Ah." "Bacon grease." "[SNIFFS]" "Soup's on." "Oh!" "Uh" " Uh" "[SNORING]" "Don't wake the sleepwalker." "Very dangerous." "Very dangerous." "You should be ashamed." "Don't yell at the sleepwalker." "Very humiliating." "Very humiliating." "ALF, is that a cockroach on your shoulder?" "Aah!" "Where?" "Where?" "Get it off!" "Get it off!" "I mean where am I?" "Who am I?" "It's" " It's all so confusing." "Well, good night." "Feet back, spread them." "Hey, hey, am I the only one here with a salami in his trench coat?" "This has been going on for days." "We're doing this for your-- For your own good." "Don't you remember?" "Don't you remember how you begged us to help you?" "Willie, I'm not kidding." "I need food." "Real food." "I can feel my primitive instincts starting to kick in." "[HOWLS]" "Who said that?" "Why do you insist on making an opera out of everything?" "Part of my boyish charm, I suppose." "[GROWLS]" "So where was I?" "You were saying something about your boyish charm then you "grrr'd" at Willie." "[GASPS]" "Oh, no." "I "grrr'd?"" "It's happening already." "Once it starts, I'm afraid I'll have to hunt and kill fresh meat to replace my enzymes." " Good night, ALF." " Happy hunting." "Fine." "Don't believe me." "I'm going to need a loincloth." "Hurry up, Bri, you're gonna be late for school." "Melon and rice cake, 120 calories." "We're not all eating that, are we?" "To answer your question, Bri, no, it's just for ALF." "Is he handling his diet any better?" "Better?" "No, I wouldn't say better." "You should have seen the stunt he tried to pull last night." "Poor guy, this really isn't very easy for him." "Yesterday I caught him licking all the empty trashcans and he offered me $5 not to tell any" "Oops." "[ALF YELLING]" "[ALF YELLING]" "ALF!" "You know better than to yell outside in the yard like that." "Whoa." "Who you call ALF, pale skin?" "Me Wolf." "Primitive Melmacian hunting machine." "Pretty butch, huh?" "[HOWLS]" "There's another thing you're not good at." "Oh." "Guess Wolf need to get knack of hunting thing." "But got the look down." "Yes?" "Dad, why is ALF acting this way?" "[CHUCKLES]" "It's an elaborate and annoying ploy to get us to let him off his diet." "It seems to work on both levels." " We're supposed to think that ALF-- ALF:" "Wolf." "Name Bambi already taken." "Wolf no match for Disney legal department." "Look, Wolf, knock it off!" "He wants us to believe that business about his enzymes becoming unbalanced and that causing his primal instincts to kick in." "Silence!" "Wolf hear squirrel in distance." "Brian, start hibachi." "Here to good friend Tonight kind of special" " ALF" " Wolf." "Wolf." "Come on in the house, you've made your point." "No good." "Wolf must trap and hunt own food before get too weak and become food." "Well, I don't really have time for this." "Thankfully, I have to go to work." "You're not leaving me alone with Wolf, are you?" "No, no, let me call the office and say I won't be in today because my alien's diet has made him a warrior hunter." "Silence, suburban ones." "You scare prey from hunting ground." "See if you can get him to eat something." "I'll try to get home early." "I'll stay home with you, Mom." "Take your time." "[GROWLING]" " Any new developments since I called?" " Nothing." "He slept most of the day and refused to eat anything he didn't hunt down himself." "We even tried attaching a string to a Pop-Tart, pulling it across the lawn hoping he'd pounce on it and kill it." "Pretty pathetic." "So he hasn't eaten anything for two days." "His only catch was a garden snail." "He let it go because he didn't have any garlic and butter." "Wolf said he might be primitive, but he isn't a barbarian." "Honey, I'm frightened." "Yeah." "Every time we go into the backyard he throws a stick at us." "What are we gonna do?" "Why do you automatically assume that I have the answers for these questions?" "Should have read those Smithsonian magazines you got me for Christmas." "[CAR STARTS THEN ALF HOWLS]" "[TIRES SCREECH]" "Oh, my Lord!" "Wolf just drove off with our car." "It's over." "He could be anywhere now." "He could be half way to Las Vegas by now." "Shouldn't we keep looking for him?" "Honey, we've been all up and down this neighborhood." "Well, still, we can't just give up." "I don't know what else we can do." "We can't very well scour the entire city." "We can't very well call the police and tell them there's a three-foot alien driving around in an '82 Ford looking for fresh meat." "Still, he's driving without a license and I don't think our insurance will cover us." "[PHONE RINGS]" "Hello?" "Yes, this is Willie Tanner." "Is there a problem, officer?" "Yes, that's our car." "Did you happen to find anything unusual in it?" "I" " I think you'd know what I mean." "How it got there?" "Why, is there something wrong with the way my wife parked my car?" "Well, you know women drivers." "Oh, sorry, ma'am." "Thank you, we'll take care of it." "Yes, we will." "Oh, yes." "Goodbye." " Was there any sign of ALF?" " No." "It seems Wolf is running around loose somewhere in Griffith Park." "Griffith Park?" "Honey, that park can be very dangerous at this hour." "Yeah, you're right." "I think I'll wait till the morning." "No, I mean dangerous to ALF." "Oh." "Of course you did." "How silly of me to think of myself just this once." " Honey, do you want me to go with you?" " No." "It's my own personal hell." "I might as well enjoy it." "h." "WILLIE:" "ALF?" "Wolf?" "ALF." "[BOTH YELL]" "Don't you know better than to sneak up on someone like that?" "What if I had a guest over?" "Excuse me, I wasn't expecting anyone." " Hey, I live here." " I'm sorry." " Got a cigarette?" " No, I'm afraid I don't smoke." "Good for you." "Smoking's bad." "Wish I could give them up, but I'm under a lot of pressure." "Say, you haven't seen anything strange or odd around here lately, have you?" "Lately?" "Hmm." "Someone did throw a stick at me earlier." "I think it was that little guy from Fantasy Island." "What a way to end up." "He must be very bitter." "You didn't see which way he went, did you?" "Hey, it's not my business." "I try not to get involved." "Hey, so, what's your story?" "When did life turn against you?" "[WILLIE CHUCKLES]" "Four years ago, September." "Listen, I, uh" " I really have to go." "Oh, sure." "Sure." "Hey, if you bump into the little guy, be careful." "He's really got a temper." "[ALF HOWLING]" "Ah." "Say your prayers, Frenchie." "[ALF HOWLS]" "ALF" " Uh, Wolf." "Ooh." "Big game." "Wolf have block party tonight." "B.Y.O.B." "What were you about to do to this toy poodle?" "It no toy." "It real." "Oh, ALF, this is just someone's runaway dog." "Now listen, Wolf, listen to me." "Will you stop that?" "Wolf too tired to hear whiny man talk." "Must consume food." "Listen, listen, I'm sorry I doubted you." "I want you to come home now." "Come home with me." " I'll give you all the food you need." " No." "Must eat toy dog." "ALF?" "Wolf?" "Whatever." "Look at me." "Don't you recognize me?" "Ah." "Yes." "You Zog, the timid hunter." "I told you stay in cave, finish bison mural." "But no." "It's me, Willie." "Don't you remember?" "Lynn?" "Brian?" "Eric?" "Kate?" "[YELLS]" "Name bring fear." "Not know why." "WILLIE:" "All right." "Look at this, look." "This is candy." "[ALF GROWLING]" "Yes!" "Candy." "Come on." "This could make you better." "This could make you a lot better." "Take it." "Please." "Eat it." "Eat." "Eat it for me, for Willie." " Zog." " Zog." "What heck." "Wolf kill better on sugar high." "Use Twinkie defense." "[GROWLING]" "No!" "No!" "Wait!" "Wolf?" "Wolf, where are you going?" "Wolf!" "Wolf!" "HOBO:" "Uh, excuse me." "Look, I know you're new here but it's not really a good idea to be yelling "Wolf" after 10:00." "Some of us have to get up early." "I'm sorry." "It was very inconsiderate of me." "A hut." "Hey, you work fast." "I've been here seven years." "Why didn't I think of that?" "Oh, it's just something I slapped together." "I see you've got yourself a guard dog, too." "A hut and a dog." "The American dream." "I see things are really coming together for you." "Thank you, thank you." "Well, oh, boy, I guess I'll turn in now." "Oh, I understand." "First night in a new hut." "[CHUCKLES]" "He'll be talking to himself in a week." "Shut up, what do you know?" "ALF, come on, come out of there." "Oh, look." "Dog." "Stand back." "Why?" "I just want to pet him." "He's such a cute little puppy dog." "You're back." "You're no longer the brave, pathetic, feeble, primitive warrior." "Hey, you're no prize." "Wait a minute." "Where am I?" "Ah." "You finally did it, didn't you?" "You drove me to the woods and dropped me off." "But why did you dress me like this?" "Was it just to humiliate me?" "Huh?" "We'll talk later." "Actually, I kind of like it." "Kate's going to want to borrow this outfit, I just know it." "I wish she'd stay out of my closet." "Would you talk to her?" " Thanks again for finding her." "KATE:" "Oh, no problem." "We were just glad we were able to return her before anything life-shattering could happen." "[DOG BARKING]" "Don't, don't, don't open the door." "Kate, did you know that bacon grease mixed with butterscotch syrup makes a delightful marinade?" "I'll add that to my recipe file." "It would be a shame to disturb the cobwebs." "I take it this is the end of the hideous four-day diet?" "Absolutely." "I've got this eating thing down." "In fact, I'm thinking about writing a diet book." "ALF's Fat for Life Diet." "Could be a big seller in the Bavarian countries." "Nice try, pal but most of the weight you lost in the last two days was water weight." "You know, I should have eaten you when I had the chance." "[GRUMBLES]" "[ENGLISH" " US" " SDH]"