"♪ 'S wonderful" "♪ 'S marvellous" "♪ You should care for me" "♪ 'S awful nice" "♪ 'S paradise" "♪ 'S what I love to see" "♪ You made my life so glamorous" "♪ You can't blame me for feeling amorous..." "Now, is this a bit of terrific?" "Hm?" "Last night she was banging on my door for 45 minutes... but I wouldn't let her out." "(laughter)" "♪ 'S wonderful" "♪ 'S marvellous" "♪ That you should care for me" "(applause)" "(laughter)" "Don't worry." "I'll get the mail, Ma." "I'll get it." "Speaking of my ma..." "I have an amazing mother." "She's 85 years old and she don't need glasses." "She drinks right outta the bottle." "She don't even open them any more - she goes right through the label." "And drinking?" "My doctor said "Stop drinking."" "So I'm not gonna drink any more." "I'm gonna freeze it and eat it like a Popsicle." "♪ 'S wonderful" "♪ 'S marvellous" "♪ You should care for me Two, three, four" "♪ 'S awful nice" "♪ 'S paradise" "♪ 'S what I love to see" "This is my last night here." "Tomorrow I'm going to Hollywood to make a picture - me, Frank Sinatra, Sammy Davis Junior and Joey Bishop - called Little Women." "But before that I'm gonna do a TV special with Bing Crosby." "Why Bing works so hard I'll never know." "He's got $21 million... on him." "♪ My dear, it's four-leaved clover time" "♪ From now on my heart's working overtime" "I don't care who you are, fat man." "You get them reindeers off my roof." "♪ 'S wonderful" "♪ 'S marvellous" "♪ That you should care for me" "Good night!" "Good luck!" "See you next year!" "Great, Dino." "Only great." "They were rolling in the aisles." "Why didn't somebody take their dice away?" " Dino?" " Hm?" "Am I going to see you before you leave?" "Just one last nightcap?" " You got it." " I'll be in my room." "Keep your hat on." " What's her name?" "Mitzi?" " No." "Sylvia." "This one is Mitzi." "Dino, are we going to get together tonight?" "Just one for the road, huh?" " It's a must." " My room later." "OK?" " This is looking like Custer's last stand." " Like what?" "It isn't just Sylvia and Mitzi." "There are other Indians." "Janet in the dressing room, Juicy Lucy in your suite and the German twins in the steam room." "That's the idea." "Now everybody's stashed away, I can beat it." "So pack my stuff and put it in the car." "You're gonna leave without saying goodbye?" "Damn right." "If I start saying goodbye to all these dames, you'll have to carry me out." "What's left of me." "In a cigar box... baby." "What's the matter?" "That Sinatra kid missing again?" "We had a bad pile-up down the highway." " You'll have to take the detour." " Where does that lead to?" "You come out at Barstow by way of Warm Springs, Paradise Valley and Climax." "It's the only way to go." "(hooting)" " Fill her up?" " Yeah." "No, over here." " Anything else?" " No, thanks." "Hey!" "You forgot your green stamps!" "Hi, Barney!" "(♪ "Für Elise" by Beethoven, being played haltingly on piano)" "(Orville hums along)" "♪ Deedle deedle deedle deedle deedle deedle deedle deedle" "No, no, Mulligan." "You've got an extra deedle in there." "It's six deedles, not seven." "Let's not monkey around with Beethoven, shall we?" "Once more." " Orville?" " Yes, dear?" "What's the matter?" "(squeals)" "Please, dear." "Not now." "Oh." "(plays wrong note)" "Mulligan, not only do you have a tin ear, you have lead fingers." " Who ever told you to take up the piano?" " You did, sir." "Well, I need the money, but what's your excuse?" "It says here "molto espressione" which means "with much expression", with feeling, with heart!" "(plays beautifully)" "From the top again." "'A' natural. 'A' natural!" " Just a minute." " Hi there, Mr Spooner." "Don't "Hi there" me." "I know your type, sneaking around to back doors." " All right." "Let's have it." " Have what?" "That note my wife left you." "You must think I'm stupid." "Note?" "Oh, yeah, sure." "The note." "She wanted two quarts of milk and a dozen eggs." "A likely story!" ""Two quarts of milk." "One dozen eggs.'" " What's it all about?" " I'll tell you." "It's about... buttermilk!" "She forgot to order buttermilk." "She doesn't like it, but I do." "There's nothing like buttermilk - especially if you have a lazy colon." "Excuse me." "No, no, Mulligan." "Now you're leaving out a deedle." "There are six deedles, not five." "Orville?" " Yes, Lambchop?" " Zip me up, will you, please?" " Going somewhere?" " Yes, and I'm late." " I don't want to keep him waiting." " Of course not." " Him?" "Whom?" " The dentist." " Got a toothache?" " No." "To have my teeth cleaned." " You just had them cleaned." " I have to go every three months." "Dr Sheldrake says I have very tender gums." "Oh, he does, does he?" " Bye, darling." " Bye." " Where did you get those flowers?" " They're from Johnnie." "I picked them myself." " Isn't he sweet?" " Yes, isn't he?" "Well, I'm off." "See you, Johnnie." " How old are you, Mulligan?" " 14, going on 15." " Pretty big for your age, aren't you?" " That's what they tell me." " You stay away from my wife, you hear?" " What?" "Pussyfooting around behind my back!" "Bringing flowers to a married woman!" "Let go of me!" "You oughta be horsewhipped!" "And don't you ever come back here again!" "You teenage wolf!" "You male Lolita!" "Orville!" "Hey, Orville!" "Listen to this." "I think I got it." " Are you ready? "I'm a Poached Egg."" " You're a what?" ""I'm a Poached Egg." That's it." "The title of the song." " What song?" " The new one you played me yesterday." " Oh, that one." " I worked out the lyric." "Wanna hear it?" " Not now." "I got things on my mind." " Come on." " I'm not in the mood." " It's a dilly, I tell you." "Give me a pick-up." "♪ I'm a poached egg without a piece of toast" "♪ Yorkshire pudding without a beef to roast" "♪ I'm a haunted house that hasn't got a ghost" "♪ When I'm without you" " Brilliant!" " Hm." "♪ I'm a mousetrap without a piece of cheese" "♪ I'm Vienna without the Viennese" "♪ I'm da Vinci without the Mona Lis' when I'm..." " Mona Lis'?" " That's what makes it." "The irregularity." "That unexpected little twist." "Keep playing." " It's ridiculous." " What do you mean, ridiculous?" "This whole song-writing business." "What are we knocking ourselves out for?" "We must have written 50 songs." " 62." " And what's happened?" "Nothing." "We write them, we send them to all the publishers and record companies and singers." "Tony Bennett, Barbra Streisand, Nat King Cole, the Four Freshmen." "And do we ever hear from any of them?" "No!" "They just steal the stamps from the return envelopes." "Are we gonna go through that again?" "Irving Berlin wrote a hundred songs before "Alexander's Ragtime Band"." "And what about George Gershwin and Richard Rodgers?" "They were professionals." "We're amateurs, buried here in Climax, Nevada!" "Where do you think Cole Porter came from?" "Peru, Indiana." "Hank Mancini?" "Aliquippa, Pennsylvania." "Johnny Mercer?" "Savannah, Georgia." "And he only won four Academy Awards!" "So play." "♪ I'm Las Vegas without a slot machine" "♪ I'm a gypsy without a tambourine" "♪ I'm Napoleon without a Josephine" "♪ When I'm without you" "Gets better all the time, huh?" "♪ I'm a doctor without a single pill" "♪ I'm a lawyer who never drew a will" "♪ I'm a dentist without a tooth to fill when I'm..." "Tender gums." "That's a hell of a thing to say to a married woman." " What are you talking about?" " It's that new dentist." "I can't keep her away from the place." "She's there now, in the chair." "He's tilting her all the way back." "He's giving her laughing gas." "She's laughing." "He's laughing too." "They're both laughing - at me!" " Relax, Orville." "You'll drive yourself crazy." " Dr Sheldrake." "Sheldrake." "Dr Sheldrake." "Did you hear the one about the nearsighted turtle who fell in love with a helmet?" "(phone rings)" "Then there was the nearsighted snake who proposed to a piece of rope!" "Hello." "This is Dr Sheldrake." "I told you." "Listen to them." "(hysterical laughter)" "I know what you're laughing at, you and my wife." "I shall report you to the Dental Association." " Who is this?" " The husband, and you're not kidding me." "I know what you're doing to her." "I'm putting an inlay in her lower left bicuspid." "I thought so!" "Let me talk to her." "Mrs Mulligan, your husband on the phone." "Mrs Mulligan?" "I want to talk to Mrs Spooner." "Mrs Spooner?" "She isn't here." "Her appointment isn't till next Wednesday." "Next Wednesday?" "Oh." "I'll give her the message when she comes home." "You were right!" "I was worrying about nothing." "She isn't even there." "You nut!" "♪ I'm a bullfight without the matador" "♪ I'm a heckler who never gets the floor" "♪ Casanova, the night he didn't score, each time... (plays wrong chord)" "Why isn't she there?" "Where is she?" "Why was she lying to me?" " For heaven's sakes, Orville." " It's Johnnie Mulligan." "His mother's at the dentist." "He's at home alone and she's with him." "Johnnie Mulligan?" "Come off it." "He ain't even shaving yet." "The milkman." "He's shaving." "It must be some kind of code." ""A dozen eggs." That's 12." "They're meeting behind the dairy at 12 o'clock!" "Now you're running amuck!" "You can't go round suspecting everybody." " Sometimes I'm not even sure about you." " Me?" "I'm scared." "I'm married to the prettiest girl in town." "She's gonna leave me one day." "Yes, she will." "And you know why?" "Cos you're a nobody, giving piano lessons for a buck and a quarter." "Maybe once a week you play a wedding or a funeral." "Big deal!" "A beautiful girl like that, she should be spoiled." "A touch of mink, fun in Acapulco, breakfast at Tiffany's!" " Fat chance." " Orville, all it takes is just one hit." ""How Much is That Doggie in the Window"?" "Three million records." ""White Christmas"?" "Eight million." "You think Irving Berlin's afraid of losing his wife?" " No, I guess not." " So keep putting those nickels in the slot." "Cos you never know when you'll hit the jackpot." "Yeah." "I guess so." "Well, then, let's go." "♪ I'm a poached egg without a piece of toast" "♪ Yorkshire pudding without a beef to roast" "♪ I'm a haunted house that hasn't got a ghost" "♪ When I'm without you" "(bell rings, honking)" " ♪ I'm a mousetrap..." " Hey!" "♪ I'm Vienna without the Viennese" " ♪ I'm Da Vinci without the Mona Lis' - (car honks)" "♪ When I'm without you" " I'm beginning to like that Mona Lis'." " What did I tell you?" "(honking)" "Hold it, mister!" "I'm coming!" "Stay with it, will ya?" " What'll it be?" " Shave and a haircut." "The works, baby." " Hey." "Hey." " What's the matter?" " You know who you are?" " Sure." "I'm the greatest, the prettiest." " Y-y-you're..." " What do you do for cigarettes here?" " Cigarettes?" " Yeah." "Orville!" "Hey, Orville!" "Hey, Orville!" "Come here, quick!" "I've been here five years, but this is the first time anybody..." "Sure, back in '61, Liberace pulled in with a flat tyre, but we never had anybody that's somebody like you!" "Where's the men's room?" "Wait a minute." "I want you to meet a friend of mine." " Orville, look who we got here." " Who?" "It's Dino!" " Oh!" "How do you do?" " This is Orville Spooner." "He plays the piano and the organ at the church." "He's a terrific musician." " Well..." " The face is familiar." " Oh?" " Not yours, his." " Oh." " OK if I go to the john now?" "Orville, this is it." "This is our jackpot." "Remember "That's Amore"?" "Top single for 37 weeks." "Or "Memories are Made of This"?" "Over two million copies!" "And he's got his own recording company." " I'll get some of our songs!" " No." "That's not the way to do it." " You've gotta be more subtle." " Subtle?" "Just start singing him one of our tunes, casual-like." "Or hum a little." "Catch his ear." " I see." " Well, what are you waiting for?" "Go!" "(hums)" "♪ I'm a poached egg without a piece of toast" "♪ Yorkshire pudding without a beef to roast" "♪ I'm a haunted house that hasn't got a ghost" "♪ When I'm without you... (dripping)" "(Orville) ♪ I'm a poached egg without a piece of toast" "♪ I'm a western without a hitching post..." "There's paper towels in the ladies' room." "(humming)" "(humming loudly)" "♪ I'm a mousetrap without a piece of cheese" "♪ I'm da Vinci without the Mona Lis'... (Dino) Mona Lis'?" "!" "(Orville continues singing)" "♪ I'm a Vegas without a slot machine" "♪ I'm Napoleon without a Josephine" " What's with him?" " Catchy tune, isn't it?" "We wrote it." " No!" " Yeah." "It's called "I'm a Poached Egg"." ""I'm a Poached..."?" "Cuckoo!" "How much do I owe you?" "$5.15." "Too bad you're in such a hurry cos if we just had a little more time..." " Here you are." " 100?" "I can't change this." "I'll have to run over to the bank." "Why not have a cup of coffee with Orville?" "We've got a lot of songs, and they really sound better on the piano." "Just a minute." "Here's $10." "Keep the change." "Wait!" "I forgot to check the oil." "You know "I Left My Heart in San Francisco"?" " Big hit, right?" "They stole it from us." " Is that so?" "We wrote it first, only it was called "I Left My Heart In San Diego"." "Exactly the same idea." "We just missed by a few miles." " All set." " We also have an Italian-type song." "Like "Volare", only better." "Be just perfect for you." "Shove it in an envelope and send it to my office in Hollywood." "Oh, no!" "All you guys wanna do is steal those return stamps!" "Ah, the hell with him." "He sings flat anyway." "Flat, sharp or round, he sells, doesn't he?" "Yeah." "I guess we muffed it." "Who knows when we'll get a chance like this again?" "Oh, I'd say in about three minutes." " Three minutes?" " I disconnected his fuel line." "He's got enough gas in the carburettor to go a couple of blocks." "Cuckoo!" "He's stalled at Citrus and Yucca." "He's going into Pringle's hardware store, asking to use the phone." "We should be hearing from him in about ten seconds." "Five, four, three, two, one." " (phone rings)" " You answer it." "I'll get the tow truck." "Barney's service station." "Hello there." "Of course I remember you." "What seems to be the trouble?" "What is this?" "A gag or something?" " A gag?" " You didn't mess around with that motor?" " That's a terrible thing to say." " Well, what's wrong with it?" "Look, if this is your attitude, I'm not gonna tell you." "He's a trained mechanic." "It's like being a doctor - you take an oath." "All right, Doc." "What's the word?" "(tutting) You know anything about cars?" "Me?" "I need a co-pilot to turn on the windshield wiper." "Left intake valve is cracked on account of that double camshaft." " Because of the internal combustion." " That bad?" "Happens once in a while." "You know these Italian cars." "Don't stand there talking to each other." "Fix it!" "Fix it, he says!" "I have to send to LA for a new part." "If they don't have it, the distributor in New York." "And if he doesn't have it, it has to come from the factory - in Milan." " Milan?" "!" " That's ridiculous." "He's a busy man." "You bet I am." "I gotta get back and do a television special." " What channel?" " What the hell difference does it make?" "!" " I wanna watch it." " We'll watch it together cos I'll be here!" "Quiet, will ya?" "Let me think." "What I could do is take a valve from that old Chevy and grind it down to fit." " It should get you to Hollywood." " He knows his business." " How long will it take?" " You'll have it first thing in the morning." " I gotta spend the night in this dump?" " They just opened a new motel." " He wouldn't like it." "It stinks." " But it's got all the modern conveniences." "A skunk got into the air conditioning." "I don't care where I sleep." "Just find me an empty pool table." "I'm sure Mr Spooner would be glad to put you up." "Wouldn't you, Orville?" "Me?" "Oh." "Of course I would." "He's got a spare room and it's right across the street." "And his wife..." "Oh, his wife's a great cook." " I get the scene." " This way." "No, not you." "You stay here and start grinding that little grabber." "Come on, let's go." "Tell me, since we're both in the same racket" " Tin Pan Alley - don't you think that rock and roll is on the way out?" "They don't write 'em the way they used to." "I mean evergreens like "Stardust" and "Melancholy Baby"." "Let's cut out all the small talk." "I'm bushed." "It's real quiet here." "You can take a nice long nap, then we'll have some dinner, and after, we can sit around the piano and sing some songs." " Is that the only action in this town?" " There's bowling." "Or you can stand outside Pringle's and watch colour TV in the window." "You're not reading me right." "What's with the broads here?" " Broads?" "Oh, you mean action action." " Yeah." "It's a habit with me, like breathing." " I should know, from the gossip columns." " It's not that I like to." "I have to." "If I skip one night, I wake up next morning with such a headache." "No, no." "This is our bedroom." "You're in there." "This is it." "A sort of a combination sewing room and guest room." "(springs squeak)" " You ought to have this tuned." " Tuned?" "About your problem - that headache you were talking about?" " Maybe you ought to try the Belly Button." " The what?" "There's this roadhouse just outside town called the Belly Button." "They've got cocktail waitresses." "Very friendly." "At least that's what I hear." "I've never been there myself." "After all, I'm a married man." " This your wife?" " Yes, sir." "Her name is Lambchop." " It's really Zelda." "I call her Lambchop." " How about that?" "She sews and she knits and she puts up preserves and she grows her own parsley." " Must be a great girl all around." " Oh, she is." "You lucky dog!" "Well, I guess you're all set here." "You know where everything is." "It takes a few minutes for the water to get hot." "If there's anything else you want..." "Bye now." "(tyres screech, car door slams)" " Oh, hello, darling." " Hello." "Sorry I'm late." "Dr Sheldrake sends you his regards." " That's nice." "How did it go there?" " Where?" " At the dentist." " Oh, fine, fine." " Did he hurt you?" " No, but he has to pull my wisdom tooth." " You're lying, Zelda." " Maybe he can save it." "You weren't at the dentist." "Your appointment is next Tuesday." " It's next Wednesday." " So where were you today?" " If you must know, I was at my mother's." " Saturdays isn't she at the blood bank?" " I won't answer any more questions." " You haven't answered any so far." "I'm tired of you spying on me, cross-examining me" " and checking the mileage on my car!" " Don't change the subject." "I have myself vaccinated and you wanna know who bit me!" "All right, who bit you?" "I mean, where were you?" "And what's in that box?" " You really want me to tell you?" " Yes." " It's a present for my lover." " Oh!" "Oh, it is, huh?" " It's today?" " September 30th." "I thought it was the 31st." "It was going to be a surprise and now you've spoiled it." " I'm sorry, darling." "I guess I'm a monster." " Yes, you are." " I don't know why you put up with me." " I don't either." " Talk about mental cruelty." " And jealousy." "Suspicion, and nagging, and cross-examining." " Wanna know why I'm late?" " No need to explain." "It's those idiots at the bakery." "I ordered pistachio cake and they made chocolate." " I know how you hate chocolate." " Pistachio, chocolate..." "Who cares?" "I love you." "Actually I didn't mind waiting." " Otherwise I never would have seen him." " Who?" "I looked out the window and there he was driving by in his car." " Who?" " He wore sunglasses and needed a shave but I recognised him anyway." "Who?" " Dino?" " I nearly fainted!" " I've been crazy about him since I was 16." " You never told me." "I used to be president of his fan club and secretary-treasurer." "There were just me and Rosalie Schultz." " But she went over to Mitch Miller." " I don't blame her." "Imagine Dino in person driving down Citrus Avenue!" "You must be imagining it." "It's ridiculous." "What would a guy like that be doing in Climax?" "Anyway, I read somewhere he's in Hollywood." "What are you doing?" " I want to play "Volare"." " No, don't." " Why not?" " You never know who's gonna barge in." " Who?" " I don't know." "Rosalie Schultz." "Mitch Miller." "Anybody." "Besides, I don't want a strange man singing to you." " There you go again!" " I mean, after all, it is our anniversary." " I've got another surprise for you." " Another?" "You'll love it." "I better go in the sewing room and finish it." "You do that." "Sewing room!" "Zelda!" "Wait." "What are you going in there for?" " I have some sewing to do." " What sewing?" " It's a secret." " You know I don't like secrets." "All right, if you insist." "I'm making myself a black chiffon negligee." "I just have to put the lace on the collar." "I want it ready for tonight." "You don't need lace on the collar." "You don't even need a negligee." "And we don't have to wait for tonight." "I have no more lessons today and we're all alone in the house, so why don't we..." " In the middle of the afternoon?" " That's what makes it." "The irregularity." "That unexpected little twist." "Have you been reading Playboy again?" "You just relax." "I'll be with you in a minute, Lambchop." " I was just coming to see you." " I got all the Italian food they had." " Macaroni, parmigiano, pizza, Chianti." " Forget it." "He likes that." "Give him an Italian dinner, play him our Italian song..." "No." "He's gonna get into his Italian car and beat it." " What do you mean?" " We gotta get rid of him." " After all our trouble?" " You heard me!" " Why?" " Because he's a sex maniac." " That's his problem." " But it's my wife." "He's already after her, and she's crazy about him too." "What's wrong with that?" "He likes her, she likes him." "So while you plug the song, she's putting him in the mood." "Why, you miserable..." "Are you suggesting that I use my wife?" "Watch that Chianti." "I don't care if I never sell a song." "I'd rather starve first." "Because I love my wife, I adore her, I worship her." " Don't you trust her?" " No." "Excuse me." "(shower running)" "Hurry up, playboy." "It is no use arguing, Barney." "Just reconnect his fuel line and... pshht!" "Not so fast." "Why do we have to get rid of him?" " Why don't we get rid of her?" " Zelda?" "Just send her away for the night, if you're so worried." "Send her away?" "That's better." "But it won't work." " Why not?" " Didn't you hear what I said?" "This guy is only interested in action." "He won't spend the night with me, eating macaroni and listening to our songs." "He's gonna be at the Belly Button looking for broads." "Hold it!" "Why does he have to go to the Belly Button?" " Why not bring the Belly Button to him?" " You're going too fast." "Once Zelda's gone, we pick up a cocktail waitress and get her over here." " That'll keep him here." " How do I explain it to him?" "That I was afraid he'd make a pass at my wife so we got him a chippy?" "You don't have to explain anything." "Just introduce her as your wife." " What?" "!" " Has he seen Zelda?" " No." " Then that's it." "He's gonna get all the action he wants." " Barney, you're sick!" " Uh-huh." "He can tickle her, pinch her, grab her, wrestle with her." "Excuse me." "(springs squeak)" "(shower runs)" "Nice little Lambchop." "Coming, Orville." "All right, so it's a great idea." "But just tell me one thing - how do I get rid of my wife?" " That's the easiest part." "Hit her." " Hit her?" "!" "Start an argument, get her sore at you, shove a grapefruit in her face." " There's lots of ways." " You want me to louse up my marriage?" "It's just for one night." "So she cries a little, she goes home to her mother." "Tomorrow you can explain the whole thing to her, buy her a nice present." "By that time you can afford it because we'll have sold all those songs." "You mean for no reason at all, a grapefruit?" " Right in the kisser." " Oh, I couldn't do that." "You've got to because you love her." "It's for her own good." "(Zelda) Orville!" "Good luck." "You'd better get her out of here fast cos I'm on my way to the Belly Button to pick up that dame." "Orville?" "Oh, Barney brought this." "A little anniversary present." " Why did you get dressed again?" " Again?" " After you took a shower." " I did?" "Oh, of course." "I got dressed again cos I was feeling... chilly." " You certainly didn't act... chilly." " When?" "When I was in the shower." "I thought you were gonna climb right in with me." "You did?" "I mean, did I?" "We could save a lot of money on our water bill." "Hm?" " Mm." " Look what I dug up." " What?" " Our wedding pictures." " Oh?" "Just let me get rid of this stuff." " All right." "Hey, you." "Beethoven." "Shh!" "When am I gonna meet that wife of yours?" "She's taking a nap because she just took a shower." "But I guess you know that." " Did you say she grows her own parsley?" " Yes." "You'll have some for dinner." "That's when you'll meet her." "At dinner." "I think I'll catch a little shuteye myself so I can be nice and fresh." "Fresh?" "I have a hunch this may turn out to be a big night." "(whistles "'S Wonderful")" "Come here, darling." "You'll get a kick out of these." " (surly voice) Out of what?" " Our wedding pictures." " Remember that day?" " Do I!" "It was the worst day of my life." " I thought it was beautiful." " Oh, you did?" "You just tried to do too many things at the same time." "Who ever heard of a bridegroom playing the organ at his own wedding?" "Look at Mother crying her eyes out." "I'm glad you brought that up." "You wanna know how I feel about your mother?" " No." " All right." "I'll tell you." "She makes me throw up, the way she treats your father." "And do you know what she looks like?" "Godzilla." " Now, now, Orville." " "Now, now" what?" " Mother may be a little difficult..." " Difficult?" "She's impossible." "A mean, vicious, loudmouthed, interfering old bag." "Now what do you think of that?" " Well, basically I have to agree with you." " You do?" "Why do you think I got married?" "To get away from her." "Oh!" "So that's the reason why you married me." "Not the only reason." "I also love you." "Oh." "Here are some pictures from our honeymoon." "Honeymoon?" "Boy, was that ever a flop!" " I wouldn't say that." " Oh, you wouldn't?" "I'll admit the first night was a little disappointing, when they didn't have a room for us and we had to sleep out in your old Rambler." "It was a Volkswagen." "Darling, here's a picture." "It was a Rambler - a blue Rambler." " It was pink!" " Don't tell me." "Of course it was blue." " Exactly the same colour as my eyes." " Your eyes are pink!" "What are you talking about?" "I have blue eyes." "I say they're pink." "You wanna make something of it?" "Orville, what is this?" "Some kind of a new game?" "(doorbell)" "I wonder who that could be." "Good afternoon, Mrs Spooner." "May we come in?" "Of course, Reverend." " Hello, Mrs Spooner." " Mrs Mulligan." "Hi, Rosalie." "We hate to intrude on you like this but we're collecting signatures for a petition urging the city council to close down that dreadful place - if the ladies will forgive my language - the Belly Button." "Of course." "We'll be glad to sign." "Won't we, Orville?" "We will?" "Well, it's a disgrace." "A cesspool." "A blot on our community." "I hear they let minors use the cigarette machine." "Rosalie and I went in there to investigate and two strange men approached us and offered to buy us Bloody Marys." "I get the distinct impression that there's love for sale on the premises." ""Love For Sale." Cole Porter." "A million and a half copies." "Well, what are we waiting for?" "Who's got a fountain pen?" "Oh, I see you're celebrating your anniversary." " Our fifth." " What a lovely cake!" " Pistachio?" " Would you like a piece?" "I wouldn't want you to spoil it." "Oh, well, maybe just a little piece." "In that case, I will too." " Reverend?" " No, thank you." "Cholesterol, you know." "Oh, thank you." "However, if you happen to have half a grapefruit..." "Well, actually, I was saving it for my wife." "What do ya say, Barney?" " Is Polly working today?" " Sure." " Where?" " She's gone back to being a blonde." "Polly, we were just wondering." "How do you get that thing to stay in there?" "I glue it in." "What would happen if I unglued it?" " You'd get beer in your eye." " From there?" "From here." "Bertha, you still want those new seat covers in your station wagon?" " Why?" " I'll give 'em to you for half price." " If you'll do me a little favour." " Like what?" "It's OK with me if it's OK with Polly." "Mwah!" "Listen, Polly." "I got a proposition for you." "Step back." "Here comes a big one." "Gesundheit." "Like I said, I got a proposition." "I need you." " Right now?" " It's an emergency." " Yeah." "Must be." " Actually, it's not for me." "It's for a friend." "He's giving a party." "It's an all-night job." "I just got on duty." "I won't be through till one." "That's OK." "I talked to Big Bertha." "It's all fixed." "You better get another girl." "I'm coming down with this cold and I feel lousy." "Well, if you wanna pass up 25 bucks..." " How much?" " 25 bucks." " Suddenly I feel better!" " Atta girl!" " Let's go." " I ought to change first." " My motor's running." " At least let me put on a coat." " What for?" " You want me to catch pneumonia?" "On an outside job like this I'm not covered by Blue Cross." "OK, but step on it." "I'll pick you up around the back." "(TV blares)" "(parrot) Bang!" "Bang!" "(squawks) Bang!" "Bang!" "Bang!" "Bang!" "Bang!" " Here's your dinner, Sam." " (truck honks)" "I won't be home till late." " Polly!" " I'm coming!" "Now don't stay up all night watching TV." "It's not good for your eyes." "Are you kidding?" "I'm not going in any truck!" "Listen to her!" "Princess Grace!" "Get your keister in here!" "You know what you are?" "No gentleman!" " Come on, come on." " OK." "Say, what kind of party is this anyway?" "My friend'll explain the whole thing." "What are you so worried about?" "The last time I took a job like this was July 4th." "It was a bachelor barbecue with fireworks and everything." "Then they raffled me off." "I went for 83 dollars." "'Cept the next day the cheque bounced, so all I got out of it was a case of poison ivy." "Hm." "Hm." "Bye, Reverend." "Bye, Mrs Mulligan." " Bye, Rosalie." " Happy anniversary." "Come, ladies." "We have a lot of work to do." "We need another 400 signatures." "Reverend?" "Are you sure you don't need help?" "After all, 400 signatures." "Take my wife along." "She's very good at this sort of thing." "I wouldn't think of it." "Not on your anniversary." "This way, playboy." "In case there are any more petitions." "Yes." "Now, where were we?" "You know, this town isn't gonna be the same if they close down the Belly Button." " Why should you care?" " Why should I care?" " I happen to be their biggest customer." " You?" "All those nights when you thought I was at choir practice or bowling or watching television outside Pringle's," " I was really at the Belly Button." " Doing what?" "Using that cigarette machine, drinking Mary Bloodys, and other things." "But I'd rather not talk about it." "You'd just get sore and walk out on me." " What other things?" " You may think I'm a square, but ask any of those cocktail waitresses there." "I am a swinger." "Sure you are." "I wouldn't have it any other way." "(romantic music)" "Poor Zelda." "I guess the wife is always the last to know." " Know what?" " I have been playing around for years." " Oh?" " And not just with waitresses." " With some of your best friends." " Like who?" "I'm too gentlemanly to mention names but last Thanksgiving there was an incident in the organ loft." " Oh." "You and Rosalie Schultz." " How did you know?" "She told me all about it." "We had a big laugh." "You discussed my sex life with another woman and laughed about it?" "What sex life?" "You chased her up the bell tower." "It just so happens that she chased me." "What difference does it make?" "Nobody caught anybody." "And anyway, I trust you." "You trust me?" "That's a lousy thing to say about your husband!" "Don't you think I'm attractive to other women?" "You're attractive to me." "So come to bed." "Oh, no." "You're not going to weasel out of it." "The truth is you don't give a damn about me, because if you did, you'd be jealous." "You'd fight for me." "It's the most primitive emotion there is." "Take the Watusis." "I read it in the National Geographic in Dr Sheldrake's office." "If a Watusi wife catches another woman with her husband, know what she does?" "She buries her in sand up to her neck and smears honey all over her head and lets the red ants loose on her." "But what do you do when Rosalie Schultz tries to steal your husband?" "You give her a piece of pistachio cake!" "Well, if that's all you care about me, I've had it." " I'm not staying here another minute." " Where do you think you're going?" "I'm going home to Mother." "Orville, wait a minute." "What are you doing?" "That's right." "What am I doing?" "It's the other way around." "You're going home to your mother." "Darling, what's the matter with you?" "All day you've been trying to pick a fight." "It's for your own good." "There isn't room for the three of us." " The three of us?" " I mean the four of us." " Out you go." " Orville, you're not making any sense." "This is me, your wife, Zelda, remember?" "Five years ago today we promised to love, honour and cherish each other, and you were so nervous you put the ring on the minister's finger." "Oh, cut out that sentimental slush!" " Out!" " Oh..." "Don't cry, Lambchop, please." "Maybe I'm not making any sense now, but I'll make sense tomorrow when I explain." "Don't bother, tomorrow or any other time!" " Zelda!" " (truck honks)" "Nice timing, Orville." "Now we're cooking." "I wish I were in hell with my back broken." "Just wait till you see what I brought for dessert." "This is Polly." " My friend Orville." " Hi." "Not here." "You want the whole neighbourhood to know?" " Get her in the house!" " That's some welcome." "Stop beefing." "This is cash on the line, and no poison ivy." "Come on, come on." "You got a wastepaper basket someplace?" " What do you think?" " I guess she's all right." "I wouldn't know." "Take my word for it." "She's a pistol, a real pistol." "Say, what is this?" "You brought me here on approval?" "No." "You got a deal." "Right?" "We've gone this far, we may as well go through with it." " Don't force yourself, mister." " I didn't mean it that way." "You're most attractive and you'll do a very good job." "What does he want now?" "References?" "Simmer down - you too - because it's gonna work out just great." " I hope so." " Don't bet on it!" " I'll leave you alone." " Do you have to?" "I'm supposed to be grinding that valve." "And one more thing." "You got all night, so take it easy." "You don't have to start on the piano right away." "Build up to it slowly." "Know what I mean?" "Maybe over dinner you can sneak it into the conversation." "Then after dinner you can really go all out." "Well, shall we get organised?" "Look, I'm a good sport - you can ask anybody - but none of that crazy stuff, huh?" "You see, I got this bad cold." "You ever hear of anybody with a good cold?" " It's a nice place you got here." " Oh." "You'll like it." " It's not very big, but it's clean." " What is?" " What is what?" " I don't know." "You brought it up." "First you have to get out of those clothes." " Just like that?" " You're so right." "First we'll make sure my wife isn't coming back." "Yeah." "I think we better." "If it weren't for Venetian blinds, it'd be curtains for all of us." "I guess you can't be too careful." "A man in your position." " My position?" " I recognised you right away." "I see you in church every Sunday, playing the organ." " You go to church?" " All of us girls go." "Big Bertha takes us in the station wagon." "Well, you know what they say - the family that stays together..." "Bertha thinks it's good for public relations." "Shh!" "We mustn't wake him up yet." " If he catches on, we'll be dead." " Who?" " Barney and me." " No." "Who's gonna catch on?" "Nobody, I hope." "So shall we..." " Oh, OK." " No." "Not in here." "In the bedroom." "You name it." "Don't mind me if I'm a little nervous, but so much depends on this." " I just hope we can swing it." " We'll do our best." "Now, if you'll just put on one of my wife's dresses." " What for?" " That's the only way it'll work." "We've got to pretend you're my wife." " What are you?" "Some kind of a weirdie?" " Didn't Barney tell you?" "He didn't tell me to expect anything like this." "I'm getting outta here." " Now, just a second." " You oughta be ashamed of yourself." "The congregation - do they know what you do on the other six days of the week?" "You don't understand." "It's not for me, it's for him." " Who's "him"?" " Back there." "He's asleep." "What are we playing?" "Musical chairs?" "Barney says it's not for him, it's for a friend." "Now you say it's not for you, it's for a friend." "He's not exactly a friend." "It's more like a business promotion, and he likes action." "I got nothing against that, but not with Zelda." " Who is Zelda?" " You are." " Me?" " It's my wife." " But tonight you're her, so you're Zelda." " What did I get myself into?" "Oh, you just wait till you find out who he is." "You'll flip." " I will?" " Oh, boy." " So who can it be?" "Richard Burton?" " No, but you're getting warm." "Here, try this." "It may be a little tight, but that can't hurt any." " (violent sneeze) - (navel bauble drops)" "Oops." " What's the matter now?" " I lost my navel." " Where?" " I think it rolled under there." " Where am I?" " In Climax." " Where?" " Don't you remember?" "You had that cracked valve." "Beethoven." "Oh." "What time is it?" "It's only four o'clock, so why don't you go back to sleep?" " What are you doing down there anyway?" " I'm looking for my wife's navel." "Oh." " Looks real nice, Polly." " Thanks." "The name is Zelda." "Oh, yes, of course." "Hey, candles!" "I found them in the drawer." "For intimate dining, candlelight is a romantic must." " Oh?" " I used to read Ladies' Home Journal." ""What Every Bride Should Know." "How To Keep Your Husband Happy."" "Maybe we should have some place cards." "I don't think so." "There's just the three of us." " Tell me, how did you and I meet?" " Barney brought you." "No." "You and Zelda." "I'm Zelda, remember?" "How did we meet?" "In case it comes up." "Oh." "Well, you were singing in the choir and I noticed you right away because you were always off key." " So you kept me after hours?" " Your mother watched us like a hawk." " She never liked me much." " So?" "So in order to ingratiate myself - she works at the blood bank " "I'd go in three times a week and give a pint of blood." "Three pints a week?" "The other days I'd sneak to the hospital in Silver City and get a transfusion." "Boy, you must have been nuts about... me." "I certainly was." "And... how did you propose to me?" "Well, I wrote this love song, and one afternoon, while I was tuning your piano, I played it to you." "And that did it." "Imagine... somebody writing a whole song for you." "You know, when I was in high school, there was this boy." " He used to write me poems." " What kind of poems?" "In chalk, on sidewalks and fences." "I had to go all over town erasing them." "Polly" " I mean Zelda." "Keep an eye on the meat sauce, will you?" " Sure." " I hate to put you to work like this." " I mean, like a housewife." " I enjoy it." "As a matter of fact, I was almost a wife once myself." " Almost?" " That's how I wound up in Nevada." " Where are you from?" " Jersey City, New Jersey." "I was working at the Plaza Hotel as a manicurist and I had this 1200 bucks my father left me." "So I was going to open a little beauty shop of my own." "And then I met this guy." " This needs more salt." " What guy?" "He was a salesman." "A Hula-Hoop salesman." "Remember those things?" "He wanted to marry me." "That figures." "We bought a second-hand car and trailer and drove to Nevada." "Spent a night here." "The next day we were supposed to go to Vegas and get hitched." " Could use some pepper too." " What happened?" "When I woke up in the morning, the guy was gone and the car was gone." "That was it." "Know anybody who can use six dozen plastic Hula-Hoops?" " They come in assorted colours." " You mean he just took off?" "I should have known he was a fink." "He had small moons." " He had what?" " You know." "Small moons." "On the fingernails." "Now you, for instance, you got big moons." " Is that good?" " It means you're a gentleman." "When you're a manicurist you can tell a lot about people from their hands." " I never had a manicure in my life." " Nobody in this town has." "That's why I took a job at the Belly Button, to scrape up enough money for a car." "But something always seems to happen." "I guess I'm stuck here for good." "A girl like you - I'm sure you'll find some nice guy." "Not a chance unless I get out of this place." "Here I'm just somebody the bartender recommends - "Try Polly the Pistol."" "♪ 'S marvellous" "♪ That you should care for me" "♪ 'S paradise" "(humming)" "♪ 'S awful nice" "♪ Paradise" "Let's get ready." "He'll be out in a minute." " I know that voice from someplace." " Of course you do." "He's a singer." " Who?" " Now, don't flip." " Well, who is it?" " It's Dino." " Dino?" " That's right." " I like Andy Williams better." " Shh!" "You're supposed to be nice to him." " Don't worry." "I know my job." " Now let me look at you." "Maybe we better open a couple of buttons." " Your wife wouldn't do that." " I guess not." "Oh, the ring." "You should have a ring." "Here." "Put this on." " You suppose there's a law against this?" " Against what?" "Wearing a ring without a licence." "Don't be silly." "Come on, let's go in the living room." "Domestic." "Domestic." "We've got to make it look domestic." "You sit here and I'll sit here." "No." "That's not domestic enough." "You knit and I'll read." "Uh..." "I don't know how to knit." "Well, then you read and I'll knit." "No, that's no good." "Now, let me see." "♪ 'S wonderful" "♪ 'S marvellous" "♪ You should care for me" "♪ 'S awful nice" "♪ Paradise" "♪ Hard to see" "(humming)" "(clears throat)" "Pardon me." "This the way to Disneyland?" "Oh." "We didn't hear you." " This is my wife Zelda." " Howdy, ma'am." "My husband said you were staying with us." "What a delightful surprise." "Zelda's a big fan of yours." "I'm a big fan of hers." "I picked these on the way here." "Oh." "They're lovely." "Cocktail time!" "What would you like?" " Martini?" "Old-Fashioned?" "Vodka?" " No, thanks." " Nothing to drink?" " A bowl of bourbon and some crackers." "Bourbon." "Good idea." "How about you, Zelda?" "Do we have any buttermilk in the house?" "Buttermilk." "Coming right up." "Well, just don't stand there, you two." "Talk." "Mingle." " Tell me something." " Anything." " How'd you happen to get stranded here?" " Just lucky, I guess." " Oh." " Oops." "That dress dummy don't do you justice, even with all the padding." " I suppose I've put on a few pounds." " Don't you worry about it." "As far as I'm concerned, there couldn't be enough of you... baby." "How much do you think she weighs?" "Guess." " May I?" " Help yourself." " 115." " Guess again." "Glad to." " 120?" " You're getting warm." "Oh, boy." "Oh, that's close enough." "How much do you think I weigh?" " Go ahead, Lambchop." "Take a crack at it." " Yeah." "173 and a half." "That's not fair." "It's right on the nose." " Skol!" " What?" " Skol!" " Sure it's cold." "It's got ice in it." "Funny, funny!" "Well, drink up and be somebody." " Why don't we sit down?" " Why don't we?" "Lambchop." "Dino." " And I'll sit back here." " Where'd you get this crazy couch?" "It's been in the family for years." "It's a love seat." " Love seat?" "For three?" " Victorian, you know." "Two lovers and a chaperone, but that didn't stop anyone." "It was usually an old lady, half-deaf, half-blind, sitting there and knitting." " Knitting?" " It's good therapy." "I took it up when I quit smoking." "It keeps my hands busy." "You know what they say - the devil finds work for idle hands." "(Dino moans)" "Mm." " What are you knitting?" " A sock." " With a turtleneck?" " (chuckles) Mm." "(tutting)" " He's got small moons." " Oh?" " I got what?" " It's this theory my wife has." "If you've got small moons on your nails, you're a gentleman and a scholar." " Interesting." " Now, you take me." "I got big moons." "That means I'm a fink." "Well, you're only half right about me." "I'm no scholar." "Knit one, purl two." "Mm." "Something around here smells good." " It's meat sauce." " You're making my mouth water." " We also got you some pizza." " How about a little antipasto?" " You'll spoil your appetite." " You wanna bet?" " Damn!" " What's the matter?" " I dropped a stitch." " Oh." "You know, you can lose a hand that way." "Did you hear the story about the girl and the lobster?" " No." "How does it go?" " This girl was sitting in a movie house and this guy sat down next to her and they were sitting in the dark watching the picture." "And suddenly she felt something crawling up her leg and it pinched her." " Ouch!" " Go on." "Then it pinched her again." "She said "What's the idea of you pinching me?" and he said "Well, it wasn't me."" ""It was my lobster!"" " His lobster?" " He explained it." "He said "A friend gave me a live lobster and I said 'I'll take it home for dinner."'" ""He said 'No, it already had dinner." "Why don't you take it to a movie?"'" "(hysterical laughter)" "Take it to a movie!" "It already had dinner!" "Take it to a movie!" " I told you, he's a funny man!" " Yeah." "Funny!" " You got any more stories like that?" " Yeah." "There's one about this doctor." "He was examining a girl's knee and he said" ""What's a joint like this doing in a pretty girl like you?"" "(hysterical laughter)" "Oh, I gotta remember that one!" "Excuse me." "I've got something on the stove." "Aagh!" " I think this belongs to you." " Me?" "You?" "What's the difference?" " I'd better help you." " No." "Stay where you are, Lambchop." "Make him feel at home." "Show him a little western hospitality." "We don't want him to have a headache tomorrow." "What is this?" "Candid Camera?" "You must think my husband is sort of... peculiar." "Oh, no." "As a matter of fact, I'm getting very fond of him." " So am I." " And I'm crazy about his wife." "You know what I'd like right now?" "Sure." "Another bowl of bourbon and crackers." " Tell me something." " Anything." "How come he calls you Lambchop?" "Maybe it's because I wear paper panties." "Paper panties?" "But I also wear a gold ring." "(Dino groans)" "Talk about finks!" "This guy's got no moons at all." "Never mind that." "You should be out there entertaining him." "What right has he got to treat your wife like that?" "It's a good thing you're not my wife or I'd throw him out of the house." " Yeah." " Oh." "I'm sorry." "Paper panties." " Hot stuff." "Don't touch." " I can't help myself." "How would you like a macaroni shampoo?" "Anything you say, baby." "Sprinkle me with parmigian, stab me with a breadstick." "You're quite an operator, aren't you?" "Not really, but all we have is one night, so I have to work fast." "It's sort of an emergency operation." "It's that little old winemaker, me!" "Sit down, sit down." " You didn't have to go to all this trouble." " What trouble?" "I'm very grateful." "It's our fifth anniversary and I forgot to buy my wife a present, so instead, she's getting you." "You know what they say - white wine with fish, red wine with Lambchop." "Believe me, it's the best thing that could have happened to you." "If I told you once, I told you a thousand times, don't marry him." "Orville J Spooner." "Know what the J stands for?" "Jerk." "That's what he is - a jerk." "Never made more than 60 dollars a week in his life." "No ambition." "No future." "When I think that you could have married Wally Coates." "Dr Wallace Coates, the second most successful chiropractor in Carson City." "Henry, stop rocking!" "Or take Tom Pringle." "He was dying to marry you." "Only the president of the Junior Chamber of Commerce." "But you let Gladys Bukitsch grab him off." "Gladys Bukitsch - four foot six, bad complexion, pigeon-toed." "I could cry." "You know what he did for her folks?" "Bought them a house in Del Webb's Sun City." "Now they're retired, playing shuffleboard with the other senior citizens." "Oh, Zelda, Zelda!" "What a mess you made of your life." "That's enough, Mimi." "Leave her alone." " Did you say something?" " Not recently." "First thing tomorrow you go and see a lawyer." "Charlie Green - whom you also could have married." "You'll have no problem getting a divorce." "Just wait till I get up there and tell the judge how he treated me." "Slamming the piano cover on my hand just cos I said he was a no-talent slob." " Where are you going?" " Home." " Back to Orville?" " Yes, Mother." "He's so right about you." "You're a mean, loudmouthed, interfering old..." " Do you wanna know what he calls you?" " What?" "I'd better not tell you." "Godzilla?" "(Zelda drives off)" "I'd like to propose a toast to my beloved wife, who has stood by me so valiantly for the last five hours... five years, and our distinguished guest - star of stage, screen and television," "a man who needs no introduction..." "Where is he?" "He dropped his napkin again." "Oh!" " It seems I have a very slippery lap." " Slippery lap!" "Cheers!" "In the words of Rossani Brazzi - grazie, grazie!" " Shall we move into the living room?" " You go ahead." "I'll clear the table." " Not yet." "Let's not break up the party." " I'm with you." "You mind if I bring along a friend?" " As long as you don't bring your lobster." " Funny!" "Funny!" "All right." "Everybody line up for a square dance." "Square dance!" "We got wine, we got women... and we got songs." " What would you like to hear?" " "Old Man River"?" "Darling, why don't you play one of your own songs?" "One of mine?" "Oh, I wouldn't want to impose on our guest." "Well, how about "Cuddle Up a Little Closer"?" "I'm sorry, but we have a request from a lady in the balcony." "Let's see." "There's this little Italian number we wrote which may be of interest to you." "♪ Every day I sit and pray I" "♪ Win you over soon" "♪ Say yes, won't you?" "Do you, don't you" "♪ Want this world in tune?" "♪ What does it take to persuade you?" "♪ And how much more must I serenade you?" "♪ Listen to me, Sophia" "♪ Have you any idea" "♪ How much you mean to me-a?" "♪ How much you'll never know" "♪ If I'm all agitato" "♪ Every heartstring vibrato" "♪ Every look passionato" "♪ Who but you made me so?" "♪ It's love, it's love crescendo" "♪ Never ever diminuendo" "♪ Say the word, sweet Sophia" "♪ Or from earth I resign" "♪ Oh, Sophia, be mine" "Well, what do you think of it, huh?" "It's a grabber." "A real grabber." " It is?" " Takes one to know one." "What a great piece of material." "Boy, what I could do with it." " You mean you liked the song?" " What song?" "Oh, yeah." "It's another "Arrivederci, Roma"." "I'll take it." " You'll take it?" " He'll take it!" " Did you hear that, darling?" "He'll take it." " Stay right where you are, Lambchop." " Play it again!" " Yes, indeedy." "(bell rings)" " ♪ Listen to me, Sophia - (Polly laughs)" "♪ Have you any idea" "♪ How much you mean to me-a?" "♪ Every day more and more" "♪ If we had matrimony" "♪ Sweeter even than zabaglione" "♪ Say the word, sweet Sophia" "♪ Let our hearts intertwine" "♪ Oh, Sophia, be mine" "Ai!" "Um diddle-dee um dum dum dum!" "Olé!" "♪ Sweet Sophia, be mine" "♪ Let that honeymoon shine" "♪ Pluck the grape from the vine" "♪ Let our hearts intertwine" "♪ And put your love on the line" "♪ Sophia, be mine" "♪ Let that honeymoon shine" "Paper panties." "♪ Or from earth I resign" "♪ Oh, Sophia, be mine" " What's going on in there?" " Shh!" "Zelda!" "You're not supposed to be here." "This is my house, and that's my husband - the swinger!" "Take it easy." "I know this looks bad." "The miserable liar!" "He was telling the truth!" "No, he wasn't." "I mean, the truth is..." "Zelda, there are certain things a man cannot ask his wife to do." " Now she's gonna drink out of his shoe?" " She'll do anything." "She's getting $25." " $25?" " It's an all-night job." "Well, if that doesn't kill him, I will!" "Don't blame Orville." "The whole thing was my idea, throwing you out of the house." " It was?" " And that girl?" "I brought her around." " You did?" " Don't worry about the money." " Orville and I are going halfsies on this." " You are?" "Hit me if you want to, but please don't go in there." " You'll spoil everything." " I wouldn't dream of it." "Atta girl." "Go back to your mother's, and tomorrow morning..." "I'm going, all right, but not to my mother!" "(starts car)" "♪ Sweet Sophia, be mine" "♪ Or from earth I resign" "♪ Sweet Sophia" "Pardon me." "Pardon me." "Oh, I'm sorry." "I didn't mean to." "I just got carried away." "Here." "Don't mind me." "Go right ahead." "Western hospitality." "♪ Listen to me, Sophia" "This is the first song we ever sold." "It's a good thing that valve cracked or I'd have never heard it." "And I never would have met him..." "I mean you." "Look here, Orville, kiddo." "I'll need one copy for my television producer, my orchestra leader, my arranger, and the guys from the agency." " Let's see." "I'll need maybe... 12 copies." " How many?" "Since I'm leaving in the morning, you'll have to stay up all night making copies." " Did you say 12?" " And don't worry about me or your wife." "We won't bother you." "Maybe we'll go in the garden and she'll show me her parsley." "Here we are. "Sophia", 12 copies." "Isn't that lucky?" "Yeah." "How lucky can you get?" "Lambchop, refill the shoes and let's have a little more music." " What would you like to hear now?" " "Taps"!" "Would you be interested in a nice waltz?" ""When It's Pussy-Willow Time in Picardy."" " I don't think I could do it justice." " Here's something more lively." ""I'm Taking Mom to the Junior Prom Cos She's a Better Twister Than My Sister."" "Gets you right here." "Aagh!" "Oh, this is it." "It's a ballad." "I wrote it for Zelda when we were dating." "It means a lot to us." "(phone rings)" " Hello." " Orville, are you outta your mind?" " What are you trying to do?" "Ruin us?" " What do you mean?" "I'm doing great." " I just sold him the Italian number." " You didn't sell it." "The broad sold it." "So get out of the house and leave the two of them alone." "Oh?" "Oh." "Make some excuse and beat it or we'll blow the whole deal." "Roger." "That was Roger from the bowling alley." " I'm afraid I've got some bad news." " Bad news?" "I forgot." "This is Saturday." "Bowling night." "Why didn't you remind me, Zelda?" " I'm sorry." " You see, I'm on the Climax team." "We got this big grudge match against Silver City." " So I'm afraid I'll have to leave you alone." " What are you afraid of?" "Nothing really." "I'm sure you'll look after my wife and she'll look after you." "Excuse me." "Something tells me we're gonna have a ball." " (hums)" " Won't we, Lambchop?" "(plays ballad)" "Oh." "The way these matches drag on," "I may be gone for hours, so don't even wait up for me." "We'll be rooting for you." "Rah-rah!" "No, darling." "E flat." "Would you play it for me before you go?" "I haven't heard it for a long time." "Sure." "You don't want to miss the first inning, or the first chuck, or whatever you call it." "Just one chorus." "♪ All the livelong day and the long, long night" "♪ What do I do?" "♪ Dream about you" "♪ Felt this way the first time you came in sight" "♪ Suddenly my gloomy old sky turned magically bright" "♪ You'll find we're perfect casting" "♪ You and I" "♪ With love that's everlasting" "♪ Will I leave you ever?" "♪ Never, never, never" "♪ All I live for now is to hold you tight" "♪ All the livelong day and the long, long night" "(loud rock-and-roll music)" "Waiter-ess!" "Hey, waiter-ess!" "(piercing whistle)" "Another Bloody Mary." "And drinks for everybody in the orchestra." "Fellas." "Hey, fellas." "Play "Melancholy Baby"." "(piercing whistle)" "(rock-and-roll music)" "Fellas, didn't ya hear me?" "I said play "Melancholy Baby"." "Come on now, everybody." "Shape up!" "86." "Look, honey, don't you think you had enough?" "No." "It's my anniversary." "I've been married five years today." "Now why don't you go home and celebrate with your husband?" "Oh, no." "He's busy." "I could have married the second most successful chiropractor in Carson City." "Instead I married Orville J - J for jerk" " Spooner." " I think I'm gonna be sick." " All right, but not in here, honey." "Come on." "That's it." "Grab her." "That's my girl." "Sick, sick, sick." " Shall I call a cab?" " We can't send her home like this." " You know who she is?" " I've seen her in church." "She's the organist's wife." "And we're in enough trouble already." "This way." "(gunfire on TV)" "(parrot) Bang!" "Bang!" " Where's this plane going to?" " It isn't a plane." "You're in Polly's trailer." " Hello, Polly." " She's gone for the night." "You can sleep it off here." "Ooh!" "Everybody fasten your seat belts." "(sad squawk) Bang-bang." "Bang." "♪ No chance you're taking chances taking me on" "♪ Believe me when this man says" "♪ Summer, spring and fall time" "♪ You're my one and all-time" "♪ All I live for now is to hold you tight" "♪ All the livelong day" "♪ And the long, long night" "I bet it would sound even prettier with, like, 20 violins." "And a whole chorus of voices." " Well, time to go." " Go where?" " Bowling." " Oh." "Have a good time." "No, not me." "You." "Remember?" "You got a match." "Oh, sure." "No, a bowling match against Silver City." "And don't worry about the songs." " I'll buy this one too." " Oh, I'm sorry." "It's not for sale." " You can have "Sophia" or any others." " What Sophia?" "That Italian number you were so crazy about." "Oh, that one." "I don't think we should talk business now." "You have different things on your mind." " We'll discuss it some other time." " Like when?" "Oh, the next time I come through town on my way from Vegas, if there's a detour and my car breaks down." " Fair enough." " I don't think that's fair at all." "Bye." "Hold it." "Orville, you better run along cos it's not fair to yourself or to your team." " My team?" " Barney and everybody." "You don't want to let them down, do you?" "I guess I shouldn't." "Oh, you better put this on." "It gets chilly later." " She worries about me." " That's what a wife is for." " Will you be all right?" " Of course she will." "I'll help with the dishes." "After all, we don't want her to have ants in the morning." "Are you sure you wanna be alone with this guy?" "Look, mister, I've got a job to do and you're in the way." "Goodbye, darling." "Come on." "Come on!" "What took you so long?" "I thought I'd have to come in and drag you out." "I've been doing some thinking." "Before he records that song, his lawyers will send us a contract." "Standard royalties - a cent a copy." "But we hold out." "If we can get a song on the other side of the record, it doubles our royalties." "Why let somebody else cash in on our hit?" "And if it's a big hit, maybe he'll do the whole album." ""Dino Sings Millsap and Spooner."" "All right, Spooner and Millsap." "Who cares so long as it sells a million copies?" "Then we get a gold record." "Maybe we win a Grammy Award." "Then come the personal appearances." "Ed Sullivan." "Policemen holding the crowds back." "They're throwing jelly beans at us." " He's got a hell of a nerve." " Huh?" "Does he really think he can buy my wife for a song?" "What wife?" "She's not your wife." "Him and his Rat Pack." "They think they own the earth." "Riding around in chariots, raping, looting and wearing cuffs on their sleeves!" " Pull yourself together." " To them, we're just squares, civilians." "If they want to move in, we're supposed to run up the white flag, hand over our homes and our wives and our liquor!" "Oh, no, you don't!" "Orville!" " Forget something?" " You're helping my wife with the dishes?" "Ha!" "Who's washing and who's drying?" "One thing I can't stand is a sneaky husband." "Big Hollywood hotshot." "You think you can walk in here and snap your fingers and I'll serve my wife to you on a silver platter with an apple in her mouth!" " Get outta here." " Orville, please!" " He doesn't mean it." " You heard me." "O-u-t." "Out!" "Take it easy." "E-a-z-y." "Get out of here or I'll throw you out." "I'm going to count to five." "One, two..." " What happened to western hospitality?" "...three, four, five." "(rumble of bowling ball)" "(bowling pins knocked down)" " (Polly) Orville!" " (punching)" "Stop it, both of you!" "(Dino groans)" "Are you all right?" "Don't mind him." "He gets these fits once in a while." "He just goes crazy and starts attacking people." "Milkmen and dentists and pupils." "Are you hurt?" "Is anything broken?" "I'm OK, but I'm gonna have such a headache tomorrow." "If you want action, buddy, go to the Belly Button, but don't try to muscle in on a happy home." " Is my car ready?" " Just about." "This isn't gonna make any difference about the song, is it?" "You still like it?" " Where is that place?" " What place?" "The Belly Button." "The swine." "I fixed him good." " Big idiot!" " I'll say he is." "I mean you!" "You fixed yourself good." "You had everything going for you and you went and loused it up." "Why?" "I didn't want him to think you were a pushover." "What difference does it make, one man more or less in my life?" "I'm Polly the Pistol, remember?" "I come highly recommended by the bartender." "Well, I'm not the bartender and you're not Polly." "Not tonight." "Tonight we're Mr and Mrs Orville J Spooner." "Look at this mess." "What does the J stand for?" "James?" "No." " Joseph?" " Uh-uh." "Jasper." "Jeremiah." "I'm sorry I asked." "Don't throw that away." "There may be a deposit on it." "All right, dear." " Your cold getting worse?" " It's not my cold." " Been a long day, hasn't it?" " Yes, dear." "Coming, Mrs Spooner?" "(raunchy jazz music)" "Those gorgeous cocktail waitresses I heard so much about..." "Where are they?" " This is it." " You must be kidding." "I've seen better navels on oranges." "Take that redhead over there." "She was runner-up to Miss Nevada." "What year?" "Come on, pal." "Where do you keep the real stuff?" "The most popular one around here is Polly the Pistol." " Polly the Pistol." " You can't go wrong with her." " Fastest draw in the west." " Now you're talking." "Where is she?" " Must be her night off." " That's too bad." "I'd sure like to shoot it out with her." "Why don't you try the trailer?" "That's where she lives." "Behind the place." " Which way?" " Thataway." "Well, if I'm not back by morning, you send a posse out after me." "(sad squawking) Bang." "Bang-bang." "(knocking)" "Open up!" "I know you're in there." "We got the place surrounded, and I'm coming in to get ya!" " Who is it?" " The Lone Ranger." " What do you want?" " I told you." "I'm lone." "I'm so lone like you wouldn't believe." " Go away!" " That's no way to treat a customer." "Where do you keep your glasses?" "Are you gonna get out or do I have to call for help?" "From what I hear, you don't need any help, Polly baby." "You're..." "You're Dino." "No names, please." "I thought I saw you driving through town." "I didn't make it." "My car broke down and they put me up with some piano teacher." "Piano..." "Orville Spooner?" "That's the joker." " What an evening!" " What happened?" "These amateurs, what they do to sell a song." " He kept throwing his wife at me." " His wife?" " Yeah." "Get the scene?" " I'm beginning to." "Not a bad-looking dame, if you like home cooking." "But me, I like to eat out." "Chinese one night, a little French cuisine another, and a little delicatessen in between." "Drink up, baby." "What song did he play you? "Sophia"?" " How did you know?" " Did you like it?" "I need another Italian song like a giraffe needs a strep throat." "Well, I think Orville has a lot of talent." "You know him?" "See him almost every night." "He's one of my regulars." "(parrot squawks)" "That mousy little guy with Beethoven on his chest?" "No." "He's a real swinger." " What do you think you're doing?" " Guess." "(parrot) Bang-bang." "No coaching from the audience." "Look, you don't understand." "This is my night off." "Well, it's my night on, Polly baby, and if you're worried about money, I tip large." "Anyway, in my opinion, you're all wrong for it." "I'm all wrong for what?" "That song." "I told Orville he should send it to Bobby Darin or Elvis." " Elvis who?" " You ever heard of the Beatles?" " Sure." "I sing better than all three of 'em." " There are four of them." "One of them got his hair caught in his guitar and was electrocuted." "You can make jokes about them, but they're young and popular, while you..." " What about me?" " Let's face it, you're over the hill." "You sure do know how to hurt a fella." "Can you imagine what Jack Jones could do with that song?" "What?" "♪ Listen to me, Sophia Have you any idea..." "You may have heard a lot of singers, but wait till you've heard me sing it." "♪ Listen to me, Sophia" "♪ Have you any idea" "♪ How much you mean to me-a?" "♪ How much you'll never know" " Then, of course, there's Robert Goulet." " ♪ If I'm all agitato" "♪ Every heartstring vibrato" "♪ Every kiss passionato" " And Eddie Fisher." " ♪ Oh, Sophia, be mine" "♪ Sweet Sophia, be mine" "(whistles "Sophia")" "(parrot) ♪ Oh, Sophia, be mine" "(squawk) ♪ Sweet Sophia, be mine" "(car starts)" "Dino!" "Hey, Dino!" "Dino!" "Dino!" "(Dino whistling "Sophia")" "Well..." "Goodbye, Mr Spooner." "What's the matter?" " I'm contemplating." " Contemplating what?" " Suicide." " What are you talking about?" "Look at me." "Yesterday a solid citizen, a blood donor, a signer of petitions." "And today?" "The way of all flesh." "Nonsense." "You spent the night with Mrs Spooner." "Remember?" "Yeah." "That's right." " Here you are." " What's that?" "It's your pay." "You know, the deal we made. 25 dollars." "You wouldn't pay your wife, would you?" "But you need the money for that car." "What car?" "I gave up on that a long time ago." "I'll never get out of this town." " Don't say that." " You don't have to worry." "If we ever run into each other, I'll pretend I never even met you." "Thanks." "Nice to have met you." "I wish there was something I could do for you." "You've done a lot." "For instance, you cured me of my cold." "Bye." "You're just in time." "I'm making coffee." "Would you like some?" "Don't look so surprised." "You took my place last night, so I took yours." "It's that simple." " Oh, then you must be Mrs..." " That's right." "Where do you keep the cups?" "Look, whatever your husband did, he did it for you." "Whatever I did, I did it for him." "I've never stayed in a trailer before." "It's really quite cosy." "I liked your house, especially that big kitchen." " I made waffles this morning." " I'll bet there was no syrup." "I opened up a jar of your preserves." "You know, it was sort of fun being a wife for a night." "And for one night, it was fun being Polly the Pistol." "Oh." "This belongs to you." "Me?" " 500 dollars?" " Large spender from out of town." "Why don't I ever meet anybody like that?" "I think you did, but you were married at the time." "You really wanna give this to me?" "I'll swap you... for that ring." "Oh." "I'm sorry." "I forgot." "And if you should find a loose navel floating around the house, it's mine." " I'm not going back home." " You're not?" "I'm moving in with my folks." "Maybe I shouldn't butt in, but I think you're making a mistake." "If I were you - and I was - I wouldn't leave Orville." "A woman without a man is like a trailer without a car." "You ain't going nowhere." "So when you find a good guy, you should stick to him." "I deal with married men all the time - the heels!" "Believe me, you got a wonderful husband." "I know that, but he'll be an even better husband when I get through with him." "(kettle whistles)" "What was that about a loose navel?" "(♪ "Für Elise" on piano)" "(buzzer)" " Hi, Mr Spooner." "Mrs Spooner around?" " Why?" "For three days she hasn't ordered anything." "No milk, no butter, no eggs." "Well, we've been eating out." "I mean, she's been eating out." "As a matter of fact, she's been living out, but it's only temporary." "Just a little misunderstanding." "You know how it is with married..." "None of your damn business!" "(buzzer)" "Oh, it's you." "Didn't I tell you to stay away from here?" " Wait, Orville." "I got a message for you." " Big genius!" ""We'll be rich," you said." ""Just get rid of your wife for one night."" "I got rid of her all right - permanently!" "She doesn't want to see me or talk to me!" "I've got a message from Zelda." "You fat, miserable, no-good slob!" "Get lost!" " What message?" " So I'm a fat slob, huh?" " Well, come on." " I just talked to Zelda." " She wants to see you." " She does?" " Uh-huh." " Oh, you beautiful man!" "Where?" "When?" " Eight o'clock tonight, at her lawyer's." " Her lawyer." "Charlie Green." "Upstairs over Pringle's hardware store." " Why?" " Why do you think?" "Divorce." "Divorce?" "Oh, Barney, this is crazy." "I love her." "I know." "But that's the way she wants it." "Why don't you just bring me a five-gallon can of gasoline and a match?" "That's no way to talk." "Because I'm gonna be there too, as a witness." "Oh, good!" "Then you can swear how it was all your idea." "That you put me up to it." "You don't understand, Orville." "I'm gonna be a witness for her." " For her?" " The way you treated that poor girl." "You shouldn't have done it, Orville." "I shouldn't?" "!" "Why, you fat, miserable slob!" "See you at the lawyer's at eight o'clock sharp." "(orchestra plays on TV)" "Zelda, before we go up there, I've got to talk to you." "Don't make any statements except in the presence of your lawyer." "You shut up!" "The way I treated you was unforgivable, but if you forgive me, everything will be different." "There'll be no more jealousy, suspicion, cross-examining." " And your eyes are not pink." " Too little and too late." "We've drawn up a property settlement." "You get the piano, the pictures of Beethoven, and the classical records." "She gets the popular records, the bed and the love seat." "Let's go." "Zelda, remember five years ago when we exchanged wedding rings?" "We promised for richer, poorer, better, worse." " Where is your ring?" " My ring?" "Oh, yeah." "You want to know where it is?" "The shower." "Slipped off, went down the drain." " I've lost weight since you left." " (TV orchestra plays "Sophia")" " What's that song they're playing?" " Stick to the case of the missing ring." "Don't worry." "I'll get it back." "Maybe with a string and a piece of chewing gum." "Or better yet, we'll call a plumber." "Either that's "Sophia" or somebody stole it from us." "And now the star of our show, direct from a successful appearance at the bar" " Dino!" "Dino?" "♪ Listen to me, Sophia" "♪ Have you any idea" "♪ How much you mean to me-a?" "♪ How much you'll never know" "♪ If I'm all agitato" "♪ Every heartstring vibrato" "Why would he sing our song after what I did to him?" "I guess the bigger they are, the nicer they are." "♪ Who but you made me so?" " Look at it." "It's on all 12 sets." " 12 sets, my eye!" "30 million people are watching this show." "A Nielsen rating of 21.7." " Zelda, you know what this means?" " Sure." "I'll ask for more alimony." " Zelda!" " Shh!" "I can't hear my words." "♪ Or from earth I resign" "♪ Oh, Sophia, be mine" "(applause and cheering)" "Thank you." "Thank you, ladies and gentlemen." "Now, isn't it a gas, that song?" "Found it myself, and there's an interesting story behind it." "I was on my way back from Vegas when I stopped in a place called Climax, Nevada." "Lovely little town." "And I heard one of the natives humming a tune." "As I drove away, that melody kept haunting me." "So I turned around and went back and there were these two amateur songwriters, Miller and Spoonsap..." " Moonsap and Spiller." " Millsap and Spooner!" "Spooner and Millsap." "Well, anyway, I stayed up all night listening to their songs and tonight you're hearing one of them." "Which just proves that, if you've got what it takes, sooner or later somebody will take what you got... baby." "♪ Listen to me, Sophia" "♪ Have you any idea" " Can we have your autograph?" " This way, please." "Imagine." "Just this morning he was checking my mother's oil!" "I bet you're gonna make a million dollars!" "Who cares?" "In our bracket, the government gets most of it." "Will you sign this for me?" "Can't we try again, Lambchop?" "How would it look when we're on Ed Sullivan and you're not in the audience?" "You can always get someone to take my place." "Who'll know the difference?" " What do you mean?" " Will you sign this, Mr Spooner?" " ♪ Listen to me, Sophia - ♪ He's no Valentino" " ♪ Have you any idea - ♪ Wonders no one we know" " ♪ How much you mean to me-a - ♪ Who can love like Dino?" "(parrot) ♪ Oh, Sophia, be mine" " ♪ All the others were so-so - ♪ Skitty like a pony" "(honking)" "Bang-bang!" "Oh." "She's a manicurist I met." "I had my nails done while you were gone." " I'm not asking any questions." " That's right." "No more questions." " Here." "You better put this on." " My ring." " Where did you get it?" " No questions, remember?" "I must be going out of my mind." "I can't figure out any of this." " Any of what?" " The ring." "The song." "The car." "Dino." "How would you..." "When did she..." "Why would he..." "Kiss me, stupid." "♪ Oh, Sophia" "♪ Be mine" "Visiontext Subtitles:" "Sue Whitfield" "ENHOH"