"David:" "So, listen." "I kind of crossed the line by kissing you last time, and I'm not saying it wasn't great." "It was great." "It was really great." "Uh, but professionally, apparently," "I'm not supposed to do that." "So this is the card for my supervising therapist, and you can start seeing her and then we can just do whatever." "I don't know." "She's really good." "Yeah, yeah." "Um, but I like you." "I like you, too." "Okay, but as a therapist." "Oh." "Okay." "Yeah." "That's cool." "Uh..." "It just -- It " " It took a lot for me to even take this step in the first place, and I don't -- Like, I don't want to start over at square one with a -- with a different therapist, so..." "Well, uh, take the card, you know, in case something happens to me, 'cause you never know." "I had this cousin in Wisconsin who was water-skiing and he slammed into " "I'll take the card." "I want to keep seeing you." "I want to keep seeing you." "As a therapist." "He's dead now." "It was in the '90s." "They put a sign up by the rocks." "That's the end of the story." "Okay." "Glad we got that out of the way." "[ Chuckles ] So, what do you want to talk about this week?" "I met someone." "Cool." "Cool, cool." "Very cool." "♪" "[ Knock on door ]" "Julia:" "Come in." "[ Door opens, creaks ]" "Take a seat, please." "Thanks for taking the time." "So you're Doug's friend." "I am." "Uh, we've known each other since I was 8." "We used to play together." "Yeah, I really don't care." "Oh." "Okay." "So, as you know, that guy died." "I heard." "Poor guy." "To be honest, he didn't take good care of himself." "So, Doug says you're not a drug addict." "Not unless coffee counts." "[ Chuckles ]" "First, no smoking." "Uh, okay." "No talking on the cellphone on the floor." "Are you able to stand and stay awake for extended periods of time?" "Actually, I did a four-week rotation in neurosurgery at Northwestern and another week in the E.R. at Cook County, and currently during the day I'm pursuing a license in clinical therapy." "Can you read?" "Yeah, I can read." "You're hired." "Oh." "Thanks." "Okay, you can leave." "That's it." "Oh." "Okay." "Hey, blondie." "Carpet match the drapes?" ""Pursuant to the requirements set out by Illinois Statute 225 ILCS-107," "I am required to inform you that I am not a licensed psychologist, psychiatrist, or a registered therapist, but that these therapy sessions are being tape-recorded to provide a record of the 1,920 supervised clinical hours needed to acquire such a license."" "So you're training?" "Essentially, yes." "I'm being mentored by a therapist downtown." "Oh." "Fancy." "♪" ""The Rape of Europa."" "Excuse me?" "Oh." "What did you say?" "Oh, the -- the painting." "What did you just say to me?" "The name of the painting." "I'm " " I'm " " I was just saying the name of the painting." "It's "The Rape of Europa."" "Oh, you just like saying "rape."" "No." "No!" "No, that's the title of the painting." "It's from the 16th century." "I'm not " "I don't see anything like that." "I see a cow, babies riding fish, and a grown man who should know better." "Hi." "David." "Welcome." "How are you?" "Thank you." "Yeah." "It's good to see you." "Oh, let's have a seat." "Yeah?" "Okay." "Yeah." "[ Clears throat ]" "Um, couch or floor?" "Preference?" "Oh, it doesn't matter, David." "Okay, well, I just wanted to thank you again for " "I'm sorry." "I shouldn't put the bag there." "It's fine, David." "I just wanted to say -- Actually, is it okay?" "David, you " "Is this better?" "Okay." "I just want to " "Actually, I'll put it... back to where it started." "[ Chuckles ]" "Are we okay now?" "It's really good to see you." "How have your sessions been going with your patients?" "Really, really good." "Really interesting." "Okay, here we are." "And as I said in my e-mail, I record all of the, uh, hours for my supervising therapist." "You can have a seat right there." "And, of course, there are disclosure legalities of confidentiality." "So, you know, possible terrorism, elderly abuse, murder -- I would have to report those." "But otherwise, we can get started, and I will be recording " "So, why don't you tell me why you came in here today?" "Well, we just kind of wanted to check in and..." "Keep things going the way that, you know -- Yeah, just make sure everything's still going good," "You know, we just moved in together." "We just moved in together." "[ Both laugh ]" "[ Laughing ] Oh, my God." ""Dear Peter..." "Nobody likes you because you're poor." "Nobody liked you when you were rich." "You have a weird dick."" "Oh, that's not true." "It is." "Oh, I'm sure -- Mm, well..." "Looks like a slug is holding onto an egg." "Well, there's a lot of things with, um, you know, having two children and a husband." "There's just those moments in the day where I'm just like, "Aah!"" "Okay, what is, uh -- what is this?" "It's, um, just kind of like a," ""Aah!"" ""Aah!" You know?" "Like, um..." "What in the space in between your hands?" "My family." "[ Whispering ] What do you like to write about?" "What are you working on?" "[ Whispering ] I've got a series of kid books about two adventurous boys, Crispin and Dandy." "And they ride the rails, going from state to state and in each state get into a different set of adventures." "Is this is present day?" "The '80s." "Oh, okay." "I just want to say that it's very smart to come in..." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Yeah." "...and take care of those problems while they're still snowballs before they turn into avalanches." "Absolutely." "Yeah, we just wanted to " "Instead of snowballs, we'll change them into snow cones or something." "[ Both laugh ]" "What do you do with that?" "[ Laughs ]" "I just -- I-I want to have it all." "But I-I don't want to deal with any of it." "Okay." "Okay." "Because -- 'Cause sometimes, it's just like -- like," ""Aah!"" "[ Clicks tongue ]" "Well, they both -- They both were loaded." "[ Whispering ] Every state has, like, the name of the state and then a fun thing that happens after it." "[ Whispering ] That's great." "I'm gonna call it "The Fun 50."" "I get it." "I think that's fun." ""Wild Time in Washington."" ""A Very Exciting Time in Vermont."" "No." ""Vicious Bear Attack in Vermont."" "Okay." ""You have puffy nipples."" "That's all right." "It's not even the areola." "It's like the actual nipple." "You see "Godfather," his wife who gets blown up?" "She's gorgeous." "Yeah, that's like 1/10 the size of my nipple." "What?" "I mean, hers were almost the entire breast." "You have fantasies of committing suicide?" "Just like to take a vacation." "'Cause, usually, it's like " "[ Beeping ]" "[ Buzzing ]" "You know?" "Okay." "I need you to fucking stop miming." "Whatever we've got now is, like, lock that in." "It's like so good." "Yeah, it's like the same bedroom." "So if you have that power..." "Yeah." "..." "lock this in." "[ Both laugh ]" "Yep." "Yeah, yeah." "All right." "All right, I think our time here is better spent not laughing." "Just had a quick question." "I don't know if I totally understood the whole "letters" exercise." "So the point is to have some patients write down " "Their most private, unfiltered thoughts about the people in their lives, even if those thoughts are negative." "Writing them down helps them connect to what they're really feeling." "And then sharing them is like purging." "It's like a cathartic release of all the..." "[ Laughing ] Oh, no, no, David." "They do not share the letters." "Janine, when I am in your arms, I am blessed." "You are the sun of my day." "And you are the moon of my night." "But... sometimes... you can be a little short with waiters." "[ Voice breaking ] What?" "Good." "I hope you're hearing this, Janine." "This is good." "What did you say?" "Just when we were at Benji's, my " "And we ordered corned beef, and I " "It didn't come out the way you wanted it, so I told her." "I know." "And that's okay!" "That's what I " "No." "We're okay." "Carl, don't back down from this." "Okay." "With all due respect, why call them letters?" "What you're describing is a private journal that should not be shared with anyone under any circumstances." "[ Sobbing ] No more, please!" "No, Carl." "No." "No, no." "No positive touch." "No positive touch." "[ Crying ] I can't do this." "I don't " "I'm done." "I don't have any more." "Please." "Carl, you have at least 10 more on the page." "Keep going." "[ Sobbing ] 10?" "!" "What?" "I do think there was some misinterpretation on the part of some of my patients as to how the exercise worked." "Maybe some of them didn't really understand what to do." "[ Sobbing ]" "Janine, hold on." "You're next, okay?" "I didn't write anything." "You have to do the work, Janine." "So, just in the future, you send letters." "You keep a journal." "No one keeps letters." "Have you ever written a letter and then just kept it?" "Even I was confused." "David, did you write a letter?" "I may have." "But you didn't share it." "Well, now we're back to the language thing." "By "share," do you mean "send"?" "Yes, David." "I may have... written and then shared... several letters." "♪" "Doug: "Dear Doug..."" "David:" "Please don't read it out loud." "I told you I didn't mean to send that." ""..." "We've been best friends for many years, and even though you got me my new job at Happy Foods," "I feel that you take our friendship for granted."" "I don't." "Doug " ""When Amanda and I broke up, it really hurt my feelings that you didn't come and help me move out."" "I got lost!" "Doug, honestly " ""You're not assertive." That's fair." ""You flirt with women when it's inappropriate." "You can't focus in conversations."" "Hola, Veronica." "Hola, Doug." "Doug." "Doug!" "Oh, hey, David." "Oh!" "Hey!" "I saw Amanda." "What?" "Where?" "Jo-Ann Fabrics." "What was she doing there?" "She was buying fabric, I think." "Yeah, that makes sense." "Well, how'd she look?" "Looked like Amanda." "Yeah, that makes sense, too." "Well, was she with anybody?" "She was with a guy." "[ Laughing ] Oh!" "Oh, what guy?" "Uh, what did he look like?" "Uh, he's shorter than me." "Okay, cool." "So he's not 7 feet tall?" "Yeah." "Okay, great." "Uh, any other details about this guy that popped out?" "He had a little beard." "A little beard?" "Oh." "Uh, can you be more specific?" "Just a little one." "A-A little one?" "Just a little one around here." "Okay, was it like a goatee, which is right here?" "I plead the fifth on this one." "I don't know." "Pleading the fifth is not talking." "I, uh " " I don't want to talk about it, then." "No, just help me understand what a little beard looks like." "Just a-a little beard below the nose." "Nice." "Yeah." "So not up here, but, like, right here." "Yeah." "All right, he seems like a good guy, yeah." "It sounds like Amanda's happy with this guy, and I'm picturing the two of them in my head, and they look pretty cute together, and that's great." "She's moved on." "I've moved on." "She's made great decisions." "I've made great decisions." "We're just both a couple people that are super happy about all the great decisions we've made in our lives." "What do I care?" "It's been over for months." "Well, you can never know for sure." "Doug, I sent her a letter, too." "Well, if it's anything like mine, she'll love it." "[ Sighs ]" "I called her mom a dickhead!" "Oh, God." "Oh, this is bad." "But my understanding is your relationship ended a while ago." "We have the same mutual friends!" "They're gonna find out I'm some unbalanced garage therapist who calls women dickheads." "Putting your language to one side, as long as you were honest, you may find she responds positively." "No." "You don't understand." "I went on for pages." "The one thing I had was that maybe she thought I was over her, and now I definitely don't have that." "David, is it possible you're blowing this out of proportion?" "Try to remember exactly what you wrote." "[ Groans ]" "[ Dog barks ]" "Doug:" "Renetta..." "[ Giggling ] See, you haven't even started." "You haven't even said anything and I'm already laughing." "I know you don't really want coffee." "You're coming to see me." "Stop it." "I know you don't " "I know you didn't come in here for coffee, and I'm over here and I'm waiting." "Doug, you're evil." "You're an evil child." "I've had my juice and now I've got some energy." "She's all yours, Doug!" "I'll be a gentleman, Rollie!" "[ Giggles ]" "I love your parents, man." "Ah, Doug, hey." "Are you gonna be at the store on Sunday?" "Yeah." "Cool." "I might come see you about some fruit crates." "Hey, I got your letter, dick." "Barry!" "Barry!" "Not in front of Doug!" "It was a mean letter!" "You sent one to Barry, too?" "You don't understand." "How can I be bipolar if I have a girlfriend?" "Sorry, Barry." "Look, it was part of a therapy thing, all right?" "You weren't supposed to get the letter..." "It doesn't matter." "I got a great one." "Lots of stuff for me to work on, like my looks, my personality." "Can't wait." "And it was free advice." "Doug, it doesn't mean anything." "He sent one to Amanda, too." "You sent freaky hate mail to your ex?" "Oh, man." "What'd she say?" "I-I don't know, all right?" "I mailed it a few days ago." "What day?" "Saturday." "Well, Sunday, there's no mail and Monday's a holiday." "Although, every day's a holiday when you're livin' la vida loca, right?" "When you got no job!" "[ Laughs ]" "This guy knows what I'm talking about!" "What?" "I didn't -- I-I wasn't listening." "Wait, so -- Jesus Christ." "There's my angel." "It's our anniversary." "We're going downstairs to watch a Blu-ray." "She's never seen "Scarface!"" "Yeah." "It's 70 degrees outside." "We're watching a movie in a basement." "Somebody pinch me." "It's a true story, baby." "Get down there." "Move it or lose it." "David:" "Hey, Barry!" "Wait!" "Are you saying there's a chance" "Amanda hasn't gotten the letter yet?" "I'm saying there's a 0% chance I give a shit!" "She might not have the letter yet." "♪" "Okay." "We got to be fast." "I have a session with a couple that I may have talked into not being a couple anymore." "[ Dog barking ]" "Doug." "Doug!" "I'm sorry." "I saw a dog." "Look, I know where she keeps her mailbox key." "It's in a little frog's mouth on her kitchen counter." "We get in, we get the key, we go get the letter, we put the key back, we get out." "Got it." "Let's go break the law." "Mm, no!" "We're not breaking the law." "Stealing mail is, um, a federal offense." "It's still my letter, Doug." "It's breaking and entering." "It's not breaking and entering if you have the keys, so we're just entering." "Is that how it works?" "[ Sighs ]" "Doug, I don't have time to get caught up in the logic of all this." "Got it." "Let's go not break the law." "♪" "Why am I going?" "What?" "Why am I going?" "I don't know." "Shut up!" "Where's the frog?" "There's no frog." "Where's the frog?" "No, no, no, no, no." "David, I forget why we're looking for a frog." "Frog." "Mailbox key." "Letter." "Remember?" "Find the frog!" "Yeah." "So, you were saying you broke up a couple during a session?" "This isn't the right -- Look for the frog!" "♪" "Wow." "She kept it." "Yeah, it's a can opener." "No, Doug, Amanda only had one of those hobo can openers." "I got her this turn-wheel." "Maybe she likes to be able to open cans." "No, Doug." "You don't keep something this sentimental if you're not still interested in the person." "Um, David?" "Oh, Jesus." "We got to find that frog." "Wait, wait, wait, wait." "Maybe it's in her office." "You don't know where her office is." "Follow me." "[ Lock disengages ]" "Who is that?" "It's not Amanda?" "No, it's not Amanda." "Are you sure?" "I dated her for four years, Doug." "I know her." "You know her." "Oh!" "Amanda!" "Yeah, that's not her." "This isn't Amanda's stuff." "Whose stuff is this?" "It's probably that girl's stuff." "Amanda doesn't live here." "Doug, what are you doing?" "I can make that." "You can't make that." "It's 9 feet." "I'm 6'4"." "So it's really only a 3-foot jump." "Shut up!" "Get over here!" "Get back!" "I think you're wrong." "Get down." "So is now a good time to talk about that couple?" "What?" "Were they broken up already or did you break them up?" "He said 4:00, right?" "[ Clears throat ]" "Brittany:" "I'm not getting your goddamn name tattooed on my back!" "It's romantic!" "I'm not getting fucking "Barry" tattooed on my fucking back." "People will think it's my name." "People?" "!" "What people are gonna " "[ Door closes ]" "What was that?" "Was that the front door?" "Maybe she's gone out." "Let's do this." "Wh-What?" "No." "Let's do what?" "What are you doing?" "Can't we go home?" "No, we can't break into a stranger's house." "Oh, okay." "But we're not breaking in." "We're breaking out." "There's no law against breaking and exiting." "Okay, but we got to be fast." "No shit!" "Sorry." "Okay." "♪" "[ Knock on door ]" "Leslie:" "Excuse me." "Hm?" "Can I help you?" "Oh, no, we're fine." "We're just knocking on this door." "That's my door." "Oh." "Oh." "Are you home?" "Um, I'm sorry." "We're looking for Amanda." "Uh, she doesn't live here anymore." "I'm subletting." "Who are you?" "We're interior designers and you've won a competition, so..." "Doug, it doesn't matter." "I'm sorry to disturb you." "Let's just go." "That's a great color." "Oh, um, thank you." "Yeah." "It's " "It's really nice and " "Really?" "Janine:" "Okay!" "Oh, oh, okay." "Okay, you're in outer space, and..." "Carl:" "Uh, uh, an alien!" "No!" "No!" "Barry:" "Uh, you're wearing a -- You're wearing a suit!" "Yes!" "Uh, a space boss!" "What?" "No, that's not a thing!" "Uh, Will Smith!" "Close!" "Close, close, close!" ""Houston, we have a problem."" "[ Buzzer ]" "Kind of!" "Oh, an astronaut." "Okay." "You dumbass." "[ Laughter ]" "You're still here." "Great." "I'm so sorry we missed our session." "Do you have time tomorrow?" "Oh, I don't think so." "Oh, okay." "Next week?" "No." "We're good." "Yeah." "But we're still on for next week, right?" "Oh, absolutely." "Yay!" "We're gonna hang out." "Hey, you want to be on my team?" "This shit-for-brains couldn't guess Obama when I said "black president."" "Morgan Freeman was the black president in "Deep Impact."" "I guess." "Nah, I'm " " I'm just gonna get some food and hit the hay." "[ Door closes ]" "You attempted to physically retrieve the letter?" "Yes." "David " "I know." "I know!" "Did you succeed?" "No, of course I didn't." "I blew it." "How am I supposed to help other people when I'm a mess?" "David, I want you to listen to me because what I'm about to say is very important." "I listened to all of last week's sessions, and those mistakes you feel you've made, the ones we've been discussing here we've barely scratched the surface." "But, David, we are not defined by our mistakes." "It's what we do instinctively and consistently that defines us, and your instincts, by and large, are pretty good." "My instincts?" "Mm-hmm." "My instincts almost broke up that couple." "They don't ever want to see me again." "Did it ever occur to you that the reason they haven't come back is because you gave them what they needed?" "What?" "It's a possibility." "They got what they needed after one session?" "It happens." "So, you're saying I might be an excellent therapist?" "Well..." "[ Chuckles ] Okay." "I see what you're saying." "You're good." "Now I understand the ride that you just took me on." "That's -- Well, I didn't intend to take you on a ride." "[ Chuckles ] I think this session's over." "I think I got what I needed." "All right, we still have 20 minutes." "No, no, no, no, no, no, no." "I got to get back to the garage because I'm amazing at my job and the people need my services, so..." "Okay, David." "Put your bag down." "I'd like to discuss some of these mistakes, and they're specific, so we can learn from them." "And the first thing that I think is very important for you to know is..." ""You're an asshole." "You suck." "You think that you are better than everyone." "But guess what, David -- You are not better than anyone." "You bankrupted our family." "You dress like you got locked in overnight at a Ross Dress For Less." "The fact that you give decision-making advice to people boggles my fucking mind." "I know that you are up to something terrible." "And some day, I will go up the stairs and find you sitting across the table from Chris Hansen from 'To Catch a Predator.'" "You suck, dude." "Honestly, get your shit together." "Signed, Barry."" "[ Sighs ]" "Yeah, I feel a lot better." "This was great." "We should do this more often." "♪" "♪" "♪" "By the way, you really need to change the paintings in your lobby." "Bernadette chooses the paintings." "So she knows the names of all of them?" "I assume so." "She chose them." "Mm-hmm." "Are you all right, David?" "Hm." "Mm-hmm."