"Ladies, does your husband come home and ask you to cook or clean or care for the children?" "We at the law offices of Shirley, Janet and Patsy can help you." "We say, sue the bastard for stress." "Shirley, Janet and Patsy got me 2. 5 million." " Hi, Peg." " Oh, hi, Al." " Want some dinner?" " Not tonight, Peg." "I've learned to live on plaque." "Besides, I have everything I need right here." "Oh, Al, you got Shower in a Box." "No, Peg, I couldn't afford it because years ago, I bought Wife on the Couch." "Now, feast your eyes on this:" "The Handyman's Workbench 5000." "Oh, Al, hold me." "I want this moment to last forever." "Don't worry, every moment with you seems like it'll last forever." "Oh, baby." "This is gonna bring me such pleasure." ""Some assembly required."" "Shall I take it downstairs and put it on the "no assembly achieved" pile?" "Al, why didn't you have them assemble it for you?" "There, right there is what's wrong with this country." "We've become too dependent on other people." "Whatever happened to the spirit of do-it-yourself?" "It's alive and well in our bedroom." "Well, I, too, need something to fiddle with." "So..." "So if you'll excuse me, I shall organize my tools." " Then you'll see some fixing." " Just like you fixed the step?" "Of course, I could've changed the light bulb." "Mom, I heard a scream." "Did Dad fall down the stairs again?" "Cool." "Oh, hey, Kel." "What are you doing outside fully clothed?" "I'm waiting for the mail." "I'm expecting an invitation for Alpha." "You know, that club for smart people." "Kel, you need a real high IQ to join Alpha." " I've been turned down for that." " That and everything else in the world." "Seriously, Kel, now, what are you doing outside?" "Did you get this far and you can't find the house?" "Laugh on, goo-boy." "But remember:" "He who laughs last laughs west." "I happened to meet a guy who's a member." "He had me fill out some forms and said if I qualified..." "Hi, Mr. Mailman." "He said if I qualified, that I'd be getting an invitation to the new-members party today in the mail." "That's, "party." Let me explain the concept to you." "You know when you line up your toy soldiers and put cupcakes in front of them." "It's kind of like that, but with real people." "I just wish the damn mail would come." "Here it is, Kel." "Oh, God, the mailman must be invisible." "Alpha, huh?" "Let's see..." "Dad's bills." "Jury duty for Mom." "Playboy for you." "Playboy for Dad." "Playgirl for Mom." "Bitches in Heat for Buck." "And here it is." "My invitation to Alpha." "Read it to me, Bud." "I don't have to read it, Kel." "It says " Congratulations, Miss Bundy." "Your IQ score has placed you square in the middle between an ashtray and a pickle jar."" ""Congratulations, Miss Bundy." "You have been invited to our new-members mixer"?" " It can't be." " I'm in." "I'm in." "I'm a genius and you're not:" "Let me read this again." "Ten thousand special ed teachers can't be wrong." "I'll prove it." "Quick:" "How many are in a gross?" "You and four friends." "I shall now leave you to wallow in the murky world of your own Bud-dom." "I shall now let the family behold my genius." "It turns, therefore, I am." "You know, I tease Al about it but there is nothing more exciting than seeing real men use their hands and minds as one." " I know." "Look at the sweat glistening off their bodies." "Muscles tensed, brows furrowed." "I think they're almost finished." " Yes!" " I think they did it." "And in only 15 minutes." "Peg, we've opened the box." "Gee, that's great, honey." "Today the box, tomorrow the cap on the toothpaste." "You just can't stand to see a man get ahead, can you?" "Hey, if the box was that easy to open, imagine how easy the rest is gonna be." "Excuse me, Fred and Barney." "Before you start running around the room, slapping each other's heinies how long is this gonna take you?" " Directions say 20 minutes." "I say we can do it under 15." "Just watch our dust." "Where were we?" "Step one." "Well, read it to me." ""Congratulations on your purchase of the easy-to-put-together Handyman's Workbench 5000." "Open box."" "Well, we did that." "Look, Peggy." "Husbands in the mist." "They're all the same." "My father was like that." "He would sit on the porch and whittle the same piece of wood for hours before he realized it was his finger." "The only day my father would build was Christmas Eve." "He'd put together all my toys." "Till I was old enough to know it was him I always thought it was Santa downstairs yelling:" ""Damn kid and her freaking wagon!"" "And then I'd go downstairs on Christmas Day and find all my shiny, new, bloody toys." "Well, then this should bring back some memories." "Al's getting ready to use the staple gun." " Oh, you little baby." " Oh, get me loose." "No." "No, now, it'll slow us up." "Have you seen any of those L-shaped things?" "No." "No, I've been finding these pieces shaped like sevens." "What idiot packed this box?" "Oh, well, maybe I can reshape them with my blowtorch." " Blowtorch?" " Blowtorch?" "Please, please." "Kel, please take me with you." "No, you are too stupid to get in." "But I'll bring you back some leftovers in a dummy bag." "Now, go away before I'm tardy for the party." "Watch me as I effortlessly turn the knob." "Very interesting." "Push in, pull out." "How should I remember that?" "Well..." ""Push," unlike "pull," starts with a P." "Make new thoughts, but keep the old." "One is silver and the other is old." "I've gotta get to the bottom of this." "This blowtorch doesn't look clogged to me." " You hold the lighter and let me look." " All right." "You can almost hear the Looney Tunes theme, can't you?" " My eyebrows!" " AI." " My eyebrows!" " Come on, Al!" "Somebody put out my eyebrows!" "Relax, Al, I'm depriving the fire of oxygen." "That's..." "That's better." "Well, no..." "No need to worry." "Fire's out." "One, two, three..." "This is to identify all new members." "Thank you, kind sir of merely average intelligence." "Do you have an invitation, sir?" "This is a bus pass, sir." "I must have left my invitation at the hospital where I work as a doctor at this young age." " Oh, name?" " Howser." "Doogie Howser." " Go away, sir." " Alrighty." "But don't come crying to me, saying, "Help me, Dr. Howser" when your high-paying, high-stress job gives you an ulcer." "Hi, my name's Harvey." "These parties are such a gas." " Hi there, Harv." "Say, nice pencil pouch." " Well, I..." "Well, of course the Soviet Union was bound to fall." "I mean, it's all the way on the edge of the map." "Kelly, you really should share your theory with Ivan over there." "And while you're there, tell him your theory about how snowmen are born." " Was I wrong about her?" " She is all you said and more." "She's sure to win you the "stupidest date" award." "Well, when I found her, she was just staring at a door." "But yours is no slouch." "God, I love these idiot parties." "Well, of course I'm very intelligent but I feel I make the statement that brains and decent knockers can go hand in hand to march us proudly into the 19th century." " Kel." " Bud." "I think you made a wrong turn." "The Pimples Without Partners meeting is down the hall." "I don't know if I should tell you this, what with me hating you and all but do you know what a "pig party" is?" "Of course, I do." "I'm a genius." "It's where a bunch of cute people find ugly dates, pretend to like them take them to a party and laugh at them until they cry." " So you've done it before?" " That hurts." "Have I ever invited you to a party?" "Now, that should prove that I've never been to one." "Well, you've been to one now." "This is Alpha's version of a pig party, Kel." "Instead of ugly, they invite..." "How should I put this delicately?" " Morons, cretins, fools, mind-blowing imbeciles." "Everyone with a patch is someone's dumb date." "Come on, I'll show you." "Hi, I'm Kelly." "I'm a model." "I'm Delbert." "I'm a Los Angeles public school teacher." "That doesn't prove anything." "He could just be a temp or something." "Hi, I'm Kelly." "I'm a model." "Hi, I'm Ralph." "I'm a network executive." " But I'm still not sold." " Well, does this sell you?" "Oh, my God, it's true." " Kel." "Kel, wait." " Leave me alone." "You just wanna rub it in." "I got the rest of my life to do that." "I just wanted to tell you not to feel bad." "Not to feel bad?" "How can I not?" "Do you know what it's like to have people laughing at you at a party?" "To have them talk behind your back?" "To exist only to be made fun of?" "Well, naturally, you do, but I don't." "It hurts." "Let's go." "Kel, come on." "You can't run and hide." "That's not the Bundy way." "You gotta get back at these people the Bundy way." "But I like changing my underwear." "The other Bundy way, Kel." "Destroy their superior smiles with sheer, pointless violence." "You'd do that for me even after the way I treated you tonight?" "Hey, they did turn me down." "Well, then you'd have to go beat up every girl in Chicago." "I'm just kidding you, you little wallaby." "Let's go kick a little genius butt." "Hey, five-eyes." "Attention all guests." "We are the intellectually challenged." "Does that mean we let nerds make fun of us?" "That would make us lower than them." "So I say, let's return to the pecking order of high school." "So come on, people, if you're stupid and you know it, punch a nerd." "That's right." "Make them eat their pencil pouches." "Kel." "Kel, come on." "I think we're finished here." "Okay." "All right, let me know when I get all the way through." "Okey-dokey." "Sorry, pal." " Oh, can I have that one?" " Well, you'll have to trade me." "Well, I have a nice action shot of the men nailing themselves together and then running around the room idiotically." "Well, how about this one of Al's face when the circular saw fell in lap?" "Give me one of them L-shaped things." "Well, there's only one more left." "You'll have to make some more out of these extra sevens." "I can't find the hole." "Hell, I'll just sand the whole thing." "It's like my Dad used to say:" ""There is no mix-up a sander can't fix up."" " God, that's beautiful." " Plug us in, buddy." "Al, don't you have too many things plugged in already?" "Peg, the only experience you have are with things that use batteries." "Men know plugs." " Plug us in, pal." " Photo op." "He hasn't moved like that in years." "Do you think Jefferson is stupid enough to try and unplug him now?" "I'll save you, buddy." "I guess he is." " To men." " To men." "Hi, Daddy." "I couldn't sleep." "Well, since you're up, share Daddy's triumph." "The Handyman Workbench 5000." " It's very nice, Daddy." " Oh, don't touch it." "It's just for looking at." " So, what's up?" " Daddy, do you think I'm stupid?" "Well..." "Pumpkin, "stupid" is a relative term." "Well, you're a relative." "That's why I'm asking you." "Well, pumpkin, see, some people like to call someone..." "Let's say you." " Stupid because you just haven't found what you're really good at yet." "And everybody's good at something." "Take me, I'm good with my hands." "And your mother." "Who's ever been better at doing nothing than your mother?" "We'll forget about Bud because he's actually smart and we'll move on to Buck." "Remember when he was a puppy he used to run all around with all that energy?" "Well, obviously he didn't like it." "But years later, he found out what he's good at." "Look at him, laying up there." "Attaboy, Buck." "What I'm saying, sweetheart, is if you give yourself enough time you'll find out what you're good at too." "But I'm tired of waiting." "I'm afraid I'm never gonna find it." "Maybe what I'm good at is being stupid." "I guess it'll have to be enough." "I'd feel better if there was just one person on his earth that I was smarter than." "Good night, Daddy." "Jefferson?" "Jefferson, come see, I finished it." "I finished it."