"Family Guy Saison 7 Episode 2 :" "I Dream of Jesus (V.0)" "You know kids, there's a lot of history here." "These fifities' diners were very popular in the eighties." "Boy, I am gonna enjoy this meal." "Not like last night when I didn't have time to poop before the guests arrived." "Do I've time?" "You know what, I'm gonna go for it." "Son of a bitch, looks like I'm gonna have to pile dinner on top of that." "Hey guys, how are ya?" "Look at this place, they don't serve any of this nineteen fifties food any more." "Hamburgers, french fries, cokes." "You kids don't know what I'm talking about." "I love how all the servers looks like celebrities from the fifties." "Marilyn Monroe." "Elvis." "And look, there's James Dean after the accident." "Let me tell you about tonight's specials?" "Oh look, Cleveland finally made it." "Oh, hey there Griffins." "Oh that takes me back." "Hey, what are you, a robot?" "Oh no, son, It's the nineteen fifties, and I have polio." "Wow, I've never heard of that before." "Oh yeah Chris, polio back then was like AIDS today." "Except people who have polio get into heaven." "Oh my God, this is Surfin' Bird by the Trashmen." "This is my favorite song of all time!" "A-well-a bird-bird-bird, b-bird's the word," "A-well-a bird-bird-bird, well the bird is the word," "A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word," "A-well-a bird-bird-bird, b-bird's the word," "A-well-a bird-bird-bird, well the bird is the word," "Chris, don't you know, about the bird?" "Meg, everybody knows that the bird is the word!" "A-well-a bird-bird-bird, the bird is the word" "Hey, guy behind the counter, the bird is the word," "Hey, frightened little child, the bird is the word," "Lady on the toilet, the bird is the word," "Hey, don't you know, about the bird?" "Sure, everybody knows that the bird is the word!" "A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word, A-well-a bird." "Again!" "Again!" "I love repetition!" "Hey, what's the big idea?" "This song is from the Nineteen Sixties." "It shouldn't be in this jukebox." "Wait, can I have that record?" "I love that song." "I'll let you have sex with my daughter." "I don't know..." "let's see what your daughter looks like." "She's.... right there." "Okay, I'll do her, but can you tell her to cry and beg me to stop." "I think that can be arranged." "Peter, will you give that song a rest?" "You've been playing it ever since we've got home." "No way, Lois." "It's my new favorite thing in the world." "Lois, I'm gonna ask you this only once :" "Do you... or do you not..." " know about the bird?" " Ugh, God!" "'Cause everybody's heard that the bird is the word." "A-b-b-bird-bird-bird, the bird's the word, A-b-b-bird-bird-bird, the bird is the word, A-b-b-bird-bird-bird..." " Oh, oh God, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry!" " Look, just go to sleep, alright?" "B-b-b-bird-bird-bird, the bird is the word, A-b-b-bird-bird-bird, the bird's the word," "A-b-b-bird-bird-bird, the bird is the word, A-b-b-bird-bird-bird," " the bird is the word, A-b-b-bird... - Peter, I have a mammogram in the morning." "Brian, can I see that paper for a second?" "That's odd." "I thought that would be big news." "You thought what would be big news?" "Well, there seems to be an absence of a certain ornithological piece." "A headline regarding mass awareness of a certain avian variety." " What are you talking about?" " Oh, have you not heard?" "It was my understanding that everyone had heard..." " Heard what?" " Brian, don't!" "A-well-a bird-bird-bird, b-bird's the word," "A-well-a bird-bird-bird, b-bird's the word," "A-well-a bird-bird-bird, b-bird's the word," "A-well-a bird-bird-bird, b-bird's the word," "Brian, don't you know, about the bird?" "Well, Peter's gonna tell you about the bird!" "A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word," "A-well-a bird." "Surfin'." "Oh my God, Peter, are you alright?" "Pa-pa-pa ooma-mow-mow, pa-pa oomow-ma-mow," "Pa-pa-pa ooma-mow-mow, pa-pa oomow-ma-mow," "Pa-pa-pa ooma-mow-mow, pa-pa oomow-ma-mow," "Ooma-mow-mow, pa-pa oomow-ma-mow," "Pa-pa-pa ooma-mow-mow, pa-pa oomow-ma-mow, pa-pa oomow..." "Peter, I was just at the bank, and they told me you withdrew 6000 dollars cash from our savings." "That's almost everything we have, what the hell was it for?" "I bought some local TV air time, Lois." "And I did a public service announcement of vital importance." "Thank you." "Hi, I'm Peter Griffin." "You know there's an issue facing many americans today, that I know concerns a great number of us." "According to gallup polls, one in twelve Americans is unaware that the bird is the word." "I, for one dream of an America where everybody knows that the bird is the word." "A-b-b-bird-bird-bird, b-bird's the word !" "A-well-a-bird-bird-bird, well-the-bird's the word !" "My God, is it possible?" "Have the boys in the lab confirmed this?" "Sir, our math shows that the bird is equal to or greater than the word." "Check it again!" " Brian?" " Yeah?" "I don't feel so good." "Alright, that's it, we gotta do something about this." "We've got to get that record and destroy it." "Just like that fat person's surgery destroyed Star Jones' arms." "I look so good." "I lost all this weight." "Taxi!" "Coming to show to people how good I look." "B-b-b-bird-bird-bird..." "B-b-b-bird-bird-bird..." "Don't you know..about the bird?" "Everybody knows that the bird is a word." "Who... did it?" "!" " Who did what, pap?" " Yes Peter, what has you upset?" "Surfin' bird is gone!" "I took it to bed, had sex with it, it fell asleep in my arms and this morning It's gone!" "Well peter, nobody here would steal from you." "Oh no one had a motive, Lois?" "You all had a motive, everyone'o'ya !" "You knew that I changed my will and left everything to the record." "And that's why you wanted the record out of the way." "Meg wanted to get a passport for her twin sister to get around of the country but the record wouldn't allow it." "But Meg didn't count on me discovering she has no twin sister." "And that Meg herself was recently released from the sanitarium." "And that's where Chris came into the picture." "So you got it all figured out do ya?" "You couldn't leave well enough alone." "You won't fire at me Chris." "You don't got the stomach for it." "I'm sorry dad, I've no idea what you're talking about." "Well, it sure is odd, a record doesn't just get up and walk away." "Except for my old Allan Sherman record." "If you ain't gonna play me, don't complain when I try to split." "There's a lotta jews out there still get a laugh of a hello mother hello father." "Wow, such heat this morning, I don't need this jacket." "Well the hell with all of ya, I'm going downtown, and buy another copy of Surfin' Bird!" "Peter, that's not necessary, I'm sure it'll turn up somewhere." "I wouldn't count on it, Lois" " Do you have Surfin' Bird by the Trashmen?" " No, I'm sorry." "A dog and a baby came in and bought all sixty-three copies." "Dammit!" "This is the third used record store with that same story." "You, uh... you look familiar, do I know you?" " D'you got a north providence high school?" " No." " You friends with gary who owns the dry cleaners?" " No." " Are you Jesus Christ?" " No!" " Oh my God, you are!" "You're Jesus Christ!" " No I'm not." "I'm just a guy working in a record store." "Well, if you're not Jesus Christ then, you won't mind if I pee on this Amy Grant CDs." " Don't!" " Ahah, you are Jesus!" "Yes, I am." "Oh my God, Jesus Christ!" "The messiah!" "You've returned!" " You've returned to bring us the good word!" " What word?" "A-well-a bird-bird-bird, b-bird's the word," "A-well-a bird-bird-bird, b-bird's the word," "A-well-a bird-bird-bird, b-bird's the word," "A-well-a bird-bird-bird, b-bird's the word, A-well-a bird-, bird-, bird-bird's the word!" "Jesus Christ has returned to earth." "I can't believe it!" "The second coming!" "Will you keep it down?" "It's not the second coming." " Okay, so what are you doing here?" " Well, believe it or not," "I pop in every hundred years or so." "Kinda incognito, just to get away from the family." "Plus the timing seemed good 'cause my dad just quit smoking and he's a little on edge." "Who took my checkbook?" "Allan?" "Why is there a pen cap, and no pen." "You're the first person to recognize me in two thousand years." "Well, you seem like a nice guy." "Hey, why don't you come over to my house for dinner tonight?" " Okay, but I don't get off till 7." " Great, we'll have a blast." "After we eat, we can watch that youtube footage of Marlee Matlin calling Moviefone." "Please, say the name of the movie you'd like to see... now." " The Nast Memty" " I'm sorry, I didn't catch that." "Please say the name of the movie you'd like to see... now." "The Nast Memty." "You have selected "300" ." "if this is the movie you'd like to see say yes... now." " Nooo!" " You have confirmed "300"." "Wow, Jesus Christ at our dinner table." " I still can't get over it." " I'm actually glad you're all here tonight." "I wanna tell you that one of you will betray me." " Ahahah!" "Just kidding." " Aaah!" "He's doing that thing he did in his story book." "So Jesus, finish that story you were telling us." "Oh, alright-alright." "So there I was, they just beaten me senseless, stuck thorns in my head, nailed me to a piece of wood, shoved a sponge full of vinegar in my mouth and killed me." "Then, they put me in a hole with a rock in front of it for two whole days and come Sunday, bam!" ", I rise from the dead." "Ok, that sounds like a naughty weekend but I can top it." "So, me and Cleveland and Joe are just wrecked on Southern comfort, right?" "We know we're gonna puke but Joe says:" ""Hey let's go see Chronicles of Riddick!"." "Sat through the whole thing without puking;" "then I get home, wouldn't you know I lost my glasses." "Peter 1" " Jesus 0." "You know Jesus if I go get my cell phone, would you mind talking to my friend Miriam Goldman?" "I really just wanna rub her Jewish nosedness." "Alright I'll be the one to say it." "How do we know you're really Jesus?" " Can you perform miracles?" " Sure, how about this?" " Oh boy, sundaes!" " I love you jesus!" " Oh I love you too fellow." " Hey Jesus can you do something for me?" "Sure Peter, what is it?" "Say, listen Jesus, I know you're trying to keep a low profile," " but there's one person I really want you to meet" " Oh yeah, who's that?" "The American people may have turned against the war, but I answer to a higher power." "I answer to the power of Jesus Christ." "Oh, that's funny because I happen to have Jesus Christ right here." "I've heard what you were saying, you know nothing of my work." "How you ever got to be president of anything is totally amazing." "Boy, wouldn't it be great if life will like this?" "Hey listen Jesus, thanks for coming by tonight and hanging out with us." "You may look like bum but you've got a lot of talent, young man." "Yeah, I've forgot how great it is interacting with other people." "Well, I better get some sleep, I gotta open the store tomorrow." "Oh, you don't wanna get back to that record store." "You gotta get back out there." " Color an eggs and hide them for kids." " What?" "You mean, reveal myself?" "Absolutely." "This world needs you, Jesus." "It needs you like the guy who can't get it up needs a distraction." "I am so ready to have sex with you." " Oh, hey is that my phone?" " I don't hear anything." " Is that John Aston?" " I don't see anyone out there." "Oh, well now there's so much going on." "You know you're right, Peter, It may be time." "But how do we do it?" "Everyone, may I have your attention, please." "I would like to introduce you to the one, the only," "Jesus Christ." "That's right, that's Jesus Christ right here." " Jesus Christ." " Yeah right." "Look at these idiots, they're not even listening." "You know what, we got to prove it to 'em." "Listen, I'm gonna go into that supermarket and get some water and you're gonna turn it into wine." "Ok cool." "Hey can you give me a cracked magazine?" " Cracked?" " Yeah." "Jesus Christ, unbelievable." "Alright I'll be back." " Oh crap!" " Don't worry I'll get it." " Oh my god!" " It's him!" " It's Jesus!" "And his best pal's Peter!" "Oh, oh, oh whoa!" " 15 minutes, Mr. Christ." " Whoa Jesus!" "Can you believe you're gonna get to meet Jay Leno?" "Mom, why is it that when Jesus revealed himself to the world, he became famous, and when I did it I got suspended for five days?" "You know, I owe this all to you Peter." "You gave me the confidence I needed." "Oh never mind about that, pal." "You just go out there and knock'em dead." " Now who are ya?" " Jesus Christ." " Who are you?" " Jesus Christ!" " Who are you?" "!" " Jesus Christ!" " Now go get'em!" "Alright, my face again to Dave Coolie, season 3 of Full House is out on DVD March 5th." "My next guest died for our sins, and now it looks like he's back on the scene." "Please welcome, from the Bible, Jesus Christ." "Oh, Jesus?" " Hey, well, Jesus, welcome to the show." " Thanks, Jay." "Glad to be here." " So, Jesus, what've you been doing since you've been back?" " Oh, you know, just kind of bumming around, playing a little Call of Duty 4, eating a lot of pinkberry." "Oh, that's right-of course--pinkberry" "And I've been sampling the night life here." "I raised River Phoenix from the dead, then we went out to the Viper Room and he O.D'd again." "Jesus Christ, everybody!" "We'll be right back with Joe Stones." "Did you see that?" "He made Jay Leno laugh!" "This guy is gonna be huge." "Now back to the MTV Movie Awards hosted by..." "Dane Cook." "Hey everybody what's up." "Dane Cook here in the house at the MTV Movie Awards." "What's up, what's up!" "Hey you know what I hate." "When you eat an ice-cream cone and it's all like cold." "And you go like, "why didn't you warn me that's so cold?"" "And he's like "it's ice-cream, dude" and you're like "oh man!"" "But chicks don't do that because they use a spoon!" "Ah, what's up!" "Su-fi poo!" "Myspace." " Is he saying something funny?" " I don't know but he's moving around a lot, so I guess." "Haha, he was on the internet and I'm in college, haha!" "And now to present the awards for sickest unscreen gangsta pimp out..." "Jesus Christ and the Pussycat Dolls." "Yay, Jesus." "That's my buddy Jesus." "Boy, who would have thought me, Peter Griffin, a guy who just two weeks ago, drew a smiley face on his own testicle to make his son laugh..." "Well I lost my train of thoughts, but, yay that's my buddy Jesus" "Hey it's a pleasure to be here with you sex-interchangeable women." "Last time I was down here on earth, I only hung around with one whore." "Come on guys, let's head over to my crib." " Hey you guys mind scooting over a little bit?" " Ooh sorry Peter, doesn't look like there's any room." " What, what do you mean?" " Well, there's only one space left and I promised it to that cow." "This is gonna be so much fun." "I'm gonna stick my head out the sunroof and wave my arms and go "Wooooooooh I'm in Hollywood"!" "Wooooh I'm in Hollywood!" "See, I said I'd do it." "Peter, would you put that thing away, we're trying to eat dinner." "I can't believe Jesus hasn't called me back." "I left him a message like four hours ago." "Well, maybe he doesn't have his phone with him." "No. no." "It rang twice and then the voice-mail picked up." "If it had gone straight the voice-mail, that means the phone was off." "If it rang like six times, that means he didn't hear it." "But it rang twice, Lois." "That means the phone rang, he saw it was me and then he pressed the button and sent it straight to voice-mail." "You know what?" "Give me your phone, I bet he'll pick up." " Hey, hey, Lois!" " Hey you, It's Peter." " What the hell?" "We were supposed to do something today." " Ah, I forgot to tell you." "I have a doctor's appointment today." "I'm actually there now." "Hey look, Lindsay Lohan just took her top off." "Hey, I just drank a beer." "Who wants to do me?" " I do!" " Me too!" "I just did you but I'll go again." "I gotta go." "Can you believe the way Jesus has treat me." " I thought he was my friend." " Look, fame and success do crazy things to people, Peter." "I'm sure deep down he's still the same old Jesus." "He may just need to figure that out in his own way." "Maybe." "But one thing's for sure, Lois." "None of this would've happened if somebody hadn't stolen my fucking Surfin' Bird record." "Tonight's top story, local record shop employee Jesus Christ was found in Mary-Kate Olsen's apartment this morning, face down and unconscious." "Police revived and arrested the disoriented Jesus who was quoted as saying :" ""Jews are responsible for all the world's wars."" "Brian, you think that's our Jesus?" "Griffin residence, Peter's speaking." "Oh yeah?" "Why should I?" "Yeah, well, get someone else to bail you out." "Cause it ain't gonna be me." "Yeah, well, what are you gonna do about it?" "Alright I'm coming!" "Jesus Christ, look at you." "You had it all, money, fame, eternal life and you blew it." " You let it all go to your head." " I know, Peter." "I guess it turns out I'm just as human as anyone else." " Yeah, well, what do we do now?" " You want the truth?" "I think It's time for me to go." "This world's not ready for me yet and I'm not ready for it." "I don't know." "Maybe I'll try coming back in another thousand years." " When I'm a little more mature." " Well, that's a very mature thing to say right there." "I think you're on your way." "Well, before I go, Peter." "There's something I want to give you." "Hold out your hands." "Well, I guess that's it then, Jesus is gone." " I sure am gonna miss him." " Me too." "Although he did give me something right before he disappeared." " What?" " Something very special, Lois." " What is it, dad?" " What, you haven't heard?" "Craaap!" "A-well-a-bird, bird, bird." "Bi-Bird's the word!" "A-well-a-bird, bird, bird." "Bi-Bird's the word!" "A-well-a-bird, bird, bird." "Bi-Bird's the word!" "A-..."