"Oh, God." "What's with the hat?" "Drew's getting ready for Jenna's party, and he thought he'd have a little fun at my expense." "If you're so upset about it, why are you wagging your tail?" "Sarcastically, Ryan." "If you don't take this thing off me right now," "I'm gonna give myself dead possum breath and breathe in your face." "You know what?" "I think you can get it off yourself." "Oh, Ryan, please!" "This elastic band is causing me unimaginable discomfort!" "Wait..." "I know how to do this." "Did you see this Evite that Drew sent out?" "Corn dogs and Sheboygan Lite?" "Yeah." "So?" "This party sounds horrible." "Does Drew actually think Jenna's gonna like this?" "And plus, the party's on Saturday and he just sent the Evite out." "Look, we both know that Drew's not..." "How did that even get there?" "JENNA:" "Hey!" "Just getting some dinner for me and Drew." "Yeah, I just picked up some dinner for... me." "You're coming on Saturday, right?" "Uh, I-I don't know what you mean." "I know about the party." "Drew accidentally put me on the Evite." "Really?" "That's too bad." "That's okay." "I know his heart's in the right place, but I have to admit," "Drew's parties aren't exactly..." "I just hope you can be there." "Definitely." "I knew she'd be bummed out." "Then I guess it's up to Drew to make up for his shitty party by hitting it later that night from the front, human style." "Can I have the business section, please?" "Maybe I should say something to Drew." "Or at least get Jenna a nice gift, something that she'd actually want." "Good luck." "You'll have a hard time beating Mr. Patel's gift." "He gave her a sex collar to put on Drew." "A sex collar?" "That was a shock collar." "He gave it to Jenna to put on you because he's sick of your barking." "Really?" "Oh." "That wasn't nice of him." "What do you think Jenna would want?" "Earrings?" "A sweater?" "Well, she's getting up there in years." "What about a book on how to play bridge or a sewing kit?" "Jenna's only turning 30." "That's not that old." "Yes, it is." "I'm, like, nine." "I can't even imagine turning 30." "Every human year is seven dog years." "You're 63." "Holy shit." "I'm, like... old." "Come on." "You've still got a lot of life ahead of you." "This is terrible." "That means I've got 42, maybe 49 years left?" "And then after I'm gone, all the wondrous things I've done:" "the adventures, the hijinks, the naps in between... it'll all be forgotten." "You'll live on, Wilfred." "I'll tell my kids about you." "I appreciate that, Ryan, but to have kids you need to have sex." "Hey, Ryan, see you tomorrow." "Hey, um... about the surprise party, corn dogs and beer sounds... awesome." "Beyond awesome." "But I was thinking you know that gourmet taco place that Jenna likes?" "What if I talked to them about catering the party?" "You don't have to do that, Ryan." "You just being there is the most important thing." "Well, I'm sure you've got your hands full with all the planning, and all I'd really do is handle the food." "Well, I've never really been a taco guy." "I don't speak Spanish, so..." "Oh, and you know what?" "My sister has a margarita maker that I can borrow, so we can make it sort of a Mexican theme." "You wouldn't mind?" "Not at all." "It's just tacos, right?" "So with the heat lamps, if I decide tomorrow" "(knocking on door) that we'll need them, what's the additional fee to have them brought in with the tables?" "(knocking continues)" "Uh, sorry, can I call back in, like, ten minutes?" "Why weren't you waiting for me in the driveway to help me?" "You're an hour early." "So?" "(baby fusses)" "So, where's this new roommate I've been hearing about?" "Um, she went to visit her boyfriend." "He lives up north." "Someone's cranky 'cause they missed their nap today, Oh, I'm sort of busy at the moment, but if you want to put Joffrey down in the..." "I was talking about me." "I'm exhausted, Ryan." "I was hoping you could watch him for an hour while I take a nap." "(door shuts)" "(Joffrey crying) WILFRED:" "I looked in the mirror again this morning." "Guess what I found?" "8,867,322 gray hairs." "Ryan, are you even listening to me?" "This is so obnoxious of Kristen." "I still have to call the taco place and look at decorations." "So you're organizing Jenna's party now?" "No, I'm just trying to make sure it's not a total disaster." "Why do you care so much?" "Because she's my friend and it's her 30th birthday-- it's a big deal." "Oh, really?" "Just a friend?" "I think we're past that by now." "Ryan, you should stop lying to yourself." "Either roll the dice and go for it, knowing that I will bite off and eat your dick, or stop hanging around with her." "I mean, you can't be friends with someone you..." "I'm not gonna do that, because I don't think of her that way anymore, okay?" "If you say so." "Look, if you're gonna stay here, can you at least help me with Joffrey?" "Go in the diaper bag and get me out one of his toys or a storybook or something." "Oh, you want a story?" "Here's a story for you:" "It's called "Ryan the Non-Carer."" ""Wilfred was contemplating his ultimate demise, but his non-caring best friend was completely ignoring him."" "No, let me tell you a story." "It's called:" ""Wilfred the Annoying Dog."" "(gentle, higher-pitched):" "You know, some dogs are good at Frisbee or loyalty, but the only thing Wilfred was good at was being annoying." "Like last week, when he threw Ryan's cell phone into a pond and laughed and chanted "nerd"" "at him for 20 minutes straight." "KRISTEN:" "Ryan?" "Kristen!" "I was, uh..." "I saw what you were doing." "Making up a story for Joffrey?" "It was a little weird, but it was good." "I was just... goofing around." "Well, Joffrey seemed to like it." "It's better than this bullshit." "Hop on Pop?" "Sick." "God, I thought she'd never leave." "Did you steal Joffrey's books?" "Ryan, I finally figured it out." "Babar, Clifford, Arthur the Aardvark, that stank-ass old rabbit lady from Goodnight Moon." "What do all these animals have in common?" "They have 20-page picture books written about them?" "Biographies!" "Right now, millions of parents are reading them to their kids." "They'll be doing it for decades, centuries, till the end of time." "Don't you get it?" "This will be my legacy." "And you will help me write it." "Can't you just write it yourself?" "I already tried, but I couldn't capture my essence the way a great admirer like yourself could." "Fine, I'll write your book after I finish helping Drew." "No, no, no, no, the Muses are speaking to me now, Ryan." "I can't right now-- I just got a number for the mariachi band." "I have to see if..." "(auto-dial beeping)" "You said you're doing this for Jenna, right?" "Well, I'm doing this for her, too." "You're doing this for your "legacy."" "I'm twice as old as her." "After I'm gone, she'll probably get another dog, and little by little, she'll forget all about me." "I want to give her something to remember me by." "I want this to be my special gift to her." "All right, we can do it, but we have to do it fast." "Oh, God!" "What is that?" "Dead possum breath." "Sorry." "I wasn't sure you'd say yes." "I had to cover all bases." "My biography-- it's gotta be honest, it's gotta be gritty, but it also has to sing off the page;" "I'm talking Rikki-Tikki-Tavi or early George." "George?" "Curious?" "Later George just wallows in its own density." "Something like," "The Berenstain Bears Visit the Dentist?" "Visit the Dentist is beach reading." "Sure, I'm along for the ride, but is it transcendent in any way?" "Besides, it's totally derivative of Aardvark." "Why don't you tell me some things about your life?" "Good idea." "Let's start at the beginning." "The day Jenna found me," "I'd just run away from my previous owner." "It was February." "I was homeless on the streets of Sturgeon Bay, Wisconsin." "I was hungry." "I was thirsty." "Not a Snausage to my name." "The wind against my face was like the cruel whip of winter." "Okay, I think I've got it." ""Once upon a time, there was a dog named Wilfred."" "Yeah, that's really good." "So, if I remember correctly, she took me to a pet store, and she bought some food, some dog bowls, a few toys, and one of those tug ropes." "It was white and..." "beige, I think." "Shit, this is starting to sound lame, isn't it?" "It's your life." "It is what it is." "And-And then a man came into the pet store." "He pulls out a gun, he points it at the cashier, and he says, "Give me your money, you stupid bitch!"" "That really happened?" "Yeah." "And so I run over there, I bite him in the leg," "I pull down his pants, then pull down his underwear, and I say, "Who's the stupid bitch now, huh?" "!"" "Which made the entire store, like, heave with laughter." "Why don't we just skip to the things that you've done that you're the most proud of;" "the things that you really want Jenna to remember about you?" "Okay." "Well, obviously, I want her to remember the days we spent walking in the beautiful woods behind her house." "That sounds nice." "And how there was this family of deranged, inbred woodsmen who lived deep in the forest." "And one day, I overheard them talking about killing Jenna's entire family so they could use their skin as toilet paper." "So, that night, I tied them all up, and I arranged this one woodsman's body so it looked like it was giving this other woodsman head, which made all the other woodsman, like, heave with laughter!" "You realize I'm the one that has to give this book to Jenna, right?" "She's gonna think I'm the one who came up with all this crazy shit." ""Crazy shit"?" "!" "All I'm saying is, if you're gonna tell your story, tell the real story-- that's what Jenna would want." "This is my real story, Ryan!" "(phone rings)" "Ah, it's the mariachi band." "It can wait." "No, it can't wait." "Plus, I have to meet Drew in a half an hour." "We're gonna have to do this later." "Later when?" "!" "I don't know." "Tonight." "Hello?" "Yes." "You can't put genius on hold!" "Dude, the Muses are basically all up on my nuts right now!" "(phone beeps off) Hey." "Is Drew home yet?" "Uh, no, but he-he should be back soon." "Were you smoking?" "I quit seven years ago, but I've just been feeling so anxious, so I..." "I know everyone turns 30." "It's just another year." "My life used to feel so wide open... not that I'm unhappy with the choices I've made... (groans) Never mind;" "I'm just being dramatic." "No, no, I-I get it." "When I turned 30," "I had a birthday dinner planned, and at the last second, my dad made me go into the office and spend the entire night working." "I remember thinking," ""Is this gonna be the rest of my life?"" "You know, when I was little, my mom used to yell out at me in public, "Susab!"" ""Susab?"" "It's an acronym." ""Stand Up Straight And Breath mint."" "Oh!" "(laughs)" "(laughing) Hey, that's painful." "You're not supposed to laugh." "Oh, come on." "You've met my mom." "(laughing)" "Well, hopefully this party will help cheer you up." "Corn dogs and Sheboygan Lite?" "We'll see." "So I'll pick up the food tomorrow, bring the decorations, confirm with the mariachi band." "Oh, I was thinking, since a couple people are bringing their kids, maybe I could make balloon animals." "Or I could rent a bounce house tomorrow morning." "Yeah." "Okay." "Uh... that doesn't leave me anything to do." "You being at the party is the most important thing." "By the way, I'm worried Jenna might be onto us." "Should we move the party to my place?" "You know, to be more of a surprise?" "Listen, I've got some great new ideas." "The Muses have basically been taking turns sitting on my face for the last two hours." "Well, first off, I did some character designs." "It's, you know, it's also important to me that Jenna remember my tender side." "I'm a lover and a fighter." "Is this a drawing of you and Bear?" "Okay, yeah, I did give Bear two eyes." "But it's how Bear would want to be remembered." "I know you want to impress Jenna with your life story." "But I can't help you make this book, let alone give it to her tomorrow, until you stop deluding yourself." "Deluding myself?" "What about you?" ""Oh, I'm only planning Jenna's party because she's my 'friend'"?" "Bullshit!" "Okay, even if I did like Jenna more than a friend, which I don't, what would I have to gain by helping Drew?" "He's gonna get all the credit." "Well, as soon as Jenna sees that corn dogs and Sheboygan Lite have transformed into the perfect party, she's gonna know you were behind it, and give you a big, grateful hug, 'cause you're her knight in shining armor." "That's crazy." "You need to stop lying to yourself, and either go for it or cut her out of your life." "Wait!" "You can't walk out on me now!" "You promised to help me finish my special gift for Jenna." "I'm going to bed, Wilfred." "Oh..." "You know... you know what?" "Maybe you're right." "You're just trying to make Jenna's party nice for her, and, well..." "I'm sorry for interfering." "Really?" "Yeah." "Just make sure you let a little pork chileta fall on the ground for old Wilfred?" "Whatever." "Sure." "(alarm beeping)" "Good morning." "Hope you had a good night's sleep, because we've got a big day of writing ahead of us." "What?" "Is this your shock collar?" "(grunting)" "Ah, ah, ah." "Aah!" "(groans)" "Ready to get to work, mate?" "Jenna's party is starting." "The guests are arriving, and I haven't done anything!" "I still have decorations to put up," "I have to pick up the food... (knocking at door)" "(sighs)" "That's probably Drew, knocking for the 40th time." "(phone ringing) Okay, and now he's calling again." "We're almost there." "We're just stuck on the ending, that's all." "We've been stuck on the ending all day!" "That's it." "I'm picking up." "(collar crackles) Ah!" "Goddamn it!" "Okay." "Y-you want to figure out the ending?" "Um..." "H-How about Wilfred saves the planet from an alien invasion?" "I mean, yeah, I did do that." "But I want the ending to have more punch, more pizzazz..." "GUESTS:" "Surprise!" "Surprise!" "That's it." "Every good story has a surprise at the end." "A-And I remember now." "I didn't just save Earth, I saved Jupiter and Pluto!" "Jupiter the planet, Pluto the dog!" "That's it, Ryan." "That's the ending." "Write it down." "Okay." "Now can I go to the party?" "Of course." "We can both go." "Hey, wait, aren't you forgetting something?" "You're not gonna still make me give that book to Jenna, are you?" "That story's totally insane." "Well, it's her birthday today." "And this is my gift for her." "Ergo, you will give it to her." "(collar crackles) Ah!" "(gasping)" "WILFRED:" "You look good." "Gray is actually a nice color on you." "It really makes your eyes pop." "I look like a freak." "It's the only thing I had that could cover the collar." "(sighs)" "Oh, God." "DREW:" "There you are!" "Drew." "I am so sorry." "I had a nap at 4:00, and the alarm didn't go off." "That's no problem." "I was just worried about you." "By the way, I am loving that t-neck." "Anyway, as you can see, the party didn't turn out exactly like we planned." "Luckily, I'd already bought the corn dogs and beer, so... we're good." "Jenna is having a great time." "You should go say happy birthday." "I couldn't agree more." "Happy birthday." "Thanks." "Are you holding up okay?" "I'm fine." "I mean, it's cool." "(grunts)" "Are you okay?" "(weakly):" "Yeah." "What's that?" "Uh, it's a gift from Wilfred." "Oh, that's cute." "This is awesome, Ryan." "I... it's-it's a joke, really." "(grunts)" "Mmm..." "Although, it's definitely a-a way to remember Wilfred." "And it's a kids' book, so you can read it to your kids someday." "Did you do this yourself?" "It was more Wilfred's idea." "(laughs)" "Hey, you know what you should do?" "You should read this to the kids right now!" "Oh, no, no..." "It's meant for children, right?" "That way, I can, you know, see it the way it's meant to be." "It'll be fun." "Hey, everybody... it's story time." "CHILDREN:" "Yay!" "I-I'm gonna read you a-a fun little tale called Wilfred the Amazing Dog." "(children exclaim)" ""Once upon a time, there was a dog named Wilfred." ""Wilfred wasn't the best dog in the world." ""He wasn't the bravest," ""or the best-looking," ""or the fastest, or the smartest," ""but he was good at one thing:" ""..." "loving his friend Jenna." ""He loved Jenna because she was his sunshine, the one person who could turn clouds into blue skies."" "♪ ♪" "When did you write this?" "It was my original version, before I asked you for help." "I was thinking about it, and I figured you were right." "It was time to stop deluding myself." "That was incredible, Ryan." "The best birthday gift I've ever gotten." "Jenna, there's something I have to tell you." "I..." "I'm not feeling that well." "I-I think I'm gonna go lie down." "Really?" "Yeah." "But..." "Drew should be bringing the cake out soon." "Go have fun." "♪ Happy birthday to you ♪" "♪ Happy birthday to you ♪" "♪ Happy birthday, dear Jenna ♪" "♪ Happy birthday to you. ♪" "(guests cheering)" "(inhaling, water bubbling)" "It's gonna be hard, you know, taking a step back from my friendship with Jenna." "But... this is good." "I can finally start moving on with my life." "I'm proud of you, Ryan." "A lot of guys don't have the willpower to suppress their innermost feelings." "Like those werewolves." "Werewolves?" "You've never heard of werewolves?" "Oh, Ryan, wait until you hear about these creatures." "They start off just like normal guys, like, charming, handsome, just... normal." "Then, once a month, they magically transform into these evil, grotesque humans for, like, 29 days."