"You guys watching Marty's show, Boardwalk Empire?" "Marty?" "Marty Scorsese." "You can't call him that." "You're not his buddy." "I like to call celebrities by the names they prefer." "Bobby De Niro, Sandy Bullock, Eddie Jimmy Olmos." "No way Edward James Olmos likes to be called "Eddie Jimmy."" "Wait, I've got one." "Johnny Depp." "Wait." "Explain the rules again." "No." "Hey, Dave, this one's on me." "MAX:" "Oh!" "That waitress looks like she wants a piece ofyour downstairs goatee." "Could be a way to get out ofyour dry spell." "I'm not having a dry spell." "I'm taking a break." "A break from what, women being attracted to you?" "No, I'm not thinking about dating." "I'm focusing on work." "The work of being sexually unsatisfied?" "That was a little forced." "Maybe you should force yourself on a girl." "I'm not good at these games." "It turns out it is not the year of Penny after all." "I didn't get that raise I thought I was getting." "I put my gum in there." "Mm." "[BOTH GAG]" "Keep it." "You had a rough day." "God, I reallythought you were gonna get that." "PENNY:" "I know." "Hoo!" "Know what you need?" "A raise?" "Isn't that why she's upset?" "It is time for you to make a vision board." "Oh, boy." "What?" "What?" "No, no, no." "It is a real thing." "You make a board and put images ofwhat you visualize for your life and the universe makes it happen." "It worked for me." "That's how I got Mr. B-R-A-D." "She didn't have me on the board." "It was a picture of one of the guys from In Living Color." "Fly girls." "If a vision board is good enough for Oprah, it's good enough for me." "That's stupid." "And I've heard Dave try to explain the housing crash." "It was" " They took loans, and they repackaged them, subprime." "And it's a numbers game, you just have to" "Oh, God." "See how stupid that is?" "These vision boards are even stupider." "But ifwe're doing it, we're doing it." "We're doing it?" "I don't wanna be left out." "Remember you went to pick apples without me and you found Ricki Lake's wallet?" "I still carry it." "She was one stamp away from a free sandwich at seven different shops." "Worked for us." "We got free sandwiches." "They were good." "[###]" "So, what does everyone have on their board so far?" "I've been meaning to reconnect with some ladies in my life that I've lost touch with, so I cut out a picture of happy women." "Ooh." "Now, why are they all in leotards and drinking Sanka?" "My mom has a ton of Redbook magazines from the '80s and I didn't wanna tear up my US Weeks." "I'm also visualizing a romantic, old-fashioned gentleman." "The kind of guy who will buy you flowers and dinner and look at you during sex." "And ifthat guy happens to be Parker, the new hot bartender at Rosalita's, I won't hate it." "I want all those things too." "Except the "looking at me during sex" part is probably not realistic." "Oh, yeah." "Max, you are just copying me." "What are you talking about?" "No, I'm not." "I coincidentally also like Parker, and coincidentally" "I also wanna be a huge, successful career woman with giant shoulder pads." "Ifyou're not gonna take this seriously, leave." "I am." "I want one of these." "You want a wicker bassinet?" "Yes, I want a whisker basket." "Say it correctly." "I want a w" " A w" " A w" "Okay, Penny, ignore him." "These boards work." "The universe will give you exactly what you deserve, I promise." "[GROANS]" "Hey, boo." "Where you going?" "Headed back to the office." "I gotta impress this new boss in whatever way I can." "I'm having such a difficult time connecting with the guy, you know?" "None of my usual charm works on him." "[BOTH STAMMERlNG]" "[HUMMlNG]" "Shall we dance?" "I hate dancing." "An office cannot function without a "shall we dance?"" "What's he gonna crap on next, "working hard, hardly working"?" "He already did." "And I tried "come here often?" at the urinal and he was like, "A normal amount."" "No." "And I forgot the worst part." "The guy always has food on his face." "I hate dancing." "Eww." "If someone's got food on their face, you gotta tell them." "You have food on your face." "Just like that." "Power through." "Don't even think about how it's affecting you" " Oh, I have food on my face." "There's more." "I have more?" "BRAD:" "There's more, man." "Did I get it?" "You got it." "Oh, wait, there's some on your forehead." "Did I get it?" "Earlobe." "My ear?" "Yeah." "Neck." "[###]" "You got it." "Yep?" "Great." "Okay, we have a cucumber salad, fried squash blossoms, truffle mac, chicken with garlic mash, chocolate bread pudding, extra whip, and strawberry sorbet." "That's me." "Four sets of utensils?" "Three?" "Two?" "Uh..." "Oh, boy." "Sorbet's really a palate cleanser." "Uh-huh." "DAVE:" "Hey, honey bunny." "Hey." "Happy three-week anniversary." "Feels like only yesterday that I was bitten by your tiny dog." "MOLLY:" "Ohh." "Oh, my God." "What?" "My ex-fiancee has a girlfriend." "Oh, honey." "That'll be $67.50." "[###]" "[tires SCREECH]" "Thanks forthe ride." "I cannot believe Jane crashed our Prius into a stop sign." "Women be stopping." "Women be stopping." "Women be like, "Stop," and men be like, "Bitch, we need to go."" "Please don't." "Yeah, that was not good." "It's my boss." "Huh?" "Yeah." "MAX:" "Oh, my God." "He really does have a ton of food on his face." "You gotta tell him." "No way, dude." "Are you crazy?" "He's gonna think it's weird if he sees me in this thing." "Relax." "I just retinted the windows." "Sit back and enjoy the anonymity." "Williams, is that you?" "How come he sees me?" "I might've put the tint on the wrong side ofthe window." "Idiot." "Good morning, Mr. Forristal." "Is this your limo, Williams?" "Uh..." "Well, you see, women be stop" "Because I like it." "1989 Fleetwood Brougham." "Man." "I'm a collector of classic cars and this is gorgeous." "Yeah." "Walk with me, Brad." "You get one of these." "[###]" "Martini, extra olives." "How did you know I liked extra olives?" "Looks like someone's been paying attention to my drink order, Parker." "I'm sorry, this isn't yours." "What are you drinking?" "Martini, extra olives." "Okay." "Sorry." "God, I am making zero impression on him." "That vision board was a stupid idea." "I shouldn't have done it." "It has only been 22 hours." "You cannot give up so easily." "What are you, LeBron in the fourth quarter?" "I don't know what it means either, but Brad says it all the time." "So, Dave, what were you doing last night?" "Nothing." "Making the world a better place through steak." "That's what you're going with?" "Dave is not in a dry spell." "I saw him kissing a girl in a restaurant." "ALL:" "Ohh." "You were spying on me?" "No, I was picking up a normal amount offood for one person." "And I didn't eat half in the cab and half in bed." "No one said you did." "Because I didn't." "All right." "You could've told us." "You don't have to protect my feelings." "I wasn't." "I just didn't want you to know because you'd all wanna meet her." "So...?" "You're not the most welcoming bunch." "I'm a special-ed teacher, foster dog mom, and in my spare time," "I act out the Sunday comics for blind children." "[ALL BOOlNG]" "Thatwas 2010 us, okay?" "Why don'tyou bring your new girl overfor dinnertomorrow?" "I don't know." "We'll be on our best behavior." "I won't even show her I can kick over someone's head." "You can?" "Hi-ya!" "[GASPS]" "All right, this is your last chance." "Guys." "Guys." "Look what I found in that back alley where I get my teeth whitened." "A whisker basket." "Say it right." "A wicker bassinet?" "So now Max's ironic vision board is coming true?" "What are you gonna do with that?" "Top of my head, seems like a good dog bed for Mr. Bojangly." "We have a dog?" "Yeah, we have a dog." "[###]" "You guys, guess what." "My vision board is coming true." "Wow, who sent you flowers?" "The card says they're from a secret admirer, but I'm pretty sure it's Parker." "Whoever they're from, board's working." "The universe is listening." "I gotta put these in water." "I want Parker to know I can take care of nice things." "Yes." "Look at how happy she looks." "What are you doing?" "I'm not doing anything." "You're the only person that sends flowers from that florist-slash-bike shop." "No, lots of people use Pedal to the Petal." "Jane." "Yeah, okay, fine." "The universe wasn't moving fast enough, so I kind of just jump-started her board." "Once you believe, good things start happening on their own." "Like how Adrien Brody became handsome or how, like, Adrien Brody became handsome." "I am weirdly attracted to him." "I don't think you should be doing stuff from her board." "It's bad jujubes." "That's all I did." "Although, she might be getting some letters from a few ladies that she's lost touch with." "Wink, wink." "I sent the letters." "I got it." "You need to stop, Jane." "You realize you're not the universe, right?" "I promise I won't do anything else." "Okay?" "And for the record, I'm not entirely sure I'm not the universe." "[###]" "Thanks for coming so quickly." "Yeah, I'd drop anything for you." "Even ifwhat I was doing was Photoshopping my head onto Rachael Ray's body then onto a TIME that said "She-Man ofthe Year."" "And let me tell you, it looks very erotic." "So here's the deal." "Forristal was so into your limo, which I still don't get, that he invited me to be part of a major pitch this afternoon, as long as you'll drive us there." "Cool." "Cool." "Now you might tell him about the food on his face." "It's the human thing to do." "It's not the keeping-your-job thing to do." "Mr. Forristal." "Hey, good afternoon." "Great afternoon." "[sighs]" "Mr. Forristal, just so you know-- That'll be all, driver." "Chop-chop." "You can't put the divider up." "That's my thing." "What does "chop-chop" mean?" "Ow!" "Aah!" "My fingers!" "My finger was not caught, but I did wanna discuss something." "You hearing me?" "Do you hear me?" "This is my car!" "Okay, you and your board need to get a room." "A board room." "Yes." "Everything on my board is coming true." "That's great." "I ran into Parker getting offthe train and he asked me out." "He was there randomly waiting for you?" "I guess." "I don't know." "He took me to my favorite wine bar for a glass of pinot and he's the first guy I've been with who didn't pronounce the T." "The universe is making it happen." "It's not the universe, Penny." "It's Jane." "She did all of this, okay?" "I mean, why do you think Parker was just there waiting foryou?" "Huh." "Wow." "Regretting that underthe shirt stuff." "[###]" "Damn it." "[lN SOUTHERN ACCENT] Hello, Miss Daisy." "Are you gonna let me atyourfancy dinner party?" "[lN NORMAL voice] You gonna put up a glass partition, separating me from your guests?" "You were gonna tell my boss he had food on his face." "I would never do that." "Why would I do that?" "Because you're Max, you never shut up." "You always have to do your Max thing." "My Max thing?" "What, being funny and surprising, and people are like," ""There's Max." "Watch what happens." Then other people are like, "Very funny."" "Then other people are like, "Characters welcome."" "Okay, those are just the taglines from Bravo, TBS and USA." "Ifyou weren't gonna tell him, then how were you gonna finish," ""Mr. Forristal, just so you know...."?" "Just so you know, this classic 1980s limo which you seem to be so fond of comes stocked with all of its original sodas." "So sit back, relax, and open an ice-cold tab." "That's all you were gonna say?" "Yeah." "The more you know." "Would you get the ice for me?" "[lN SOUTHERN ACCENT] Oh, of course, Mr. Brad." "I'll getyour ice foryou." "Wouldn'twant any more bags going into your wealthy hands, Mr. Brad." "Jane, the board is working so well." "Everything is coming true, so I decided to add some new stuff." "Oh." "I want two first-class tickets to Greece for this weekend, and I wanna gain 5 pounds of muscle, also for this weekend." "What?" "I wanna look good for my trip." "That's quite a list." "Yeah, but I'm sure it'll all come true, because what I would hate is to lose faith in the board." "Is the universe up for all that?" "The universe will probably, you know, lie awake trying to figure it out, maybe develop some stress eczema, but yeah." "Mm-hm." "Yeah?" "I'm not worried." "[DOORBELL rings]" "Okay, this is Dave and his new lady." "Remember, we are not gonna be judgmental of Molly." "Molly is a fat-ankle's name, but you won't be hearing me say that, because I'm the picture of self-control." "Isn't that right, Brad?" "Come on, dude." "Okay." "Hi, guys." "This is Molly." "Molly, this is-- The gang." "Hi." "BRAD:" "So great to meet you." "MAX:" "Molly is such a beautiful name." "I love your boots." "I'm so bad because they were super expensive, but I saved up for a long time, and my dad is rich." "She's cute, isn't she?" "The boots are cute." "I want them." "They're going on the board." "Money's no object, right, Jane?" "No, the universe is gonna provide." "I had a hunch you guys were gonna get along." "Like I had a hunch about that housing-market crisis." "The problem is, no one put any money down." "Oh, boy." "I'm gonna get working on these steaks." "I'm so excited to finally meet you." "You guys are so hot together." "Although, you're a bit of a skinny bitch for a black guy to be with." "Am I right, trick?" "Yeah." "Oh!" "Put some meat on them bones." "It's true." "Oh, you look tired." "Oh, my God." "You must be the gay guy." "Gay guys love me." "Don't worry, we won't sleep together." "Yes, we will." "You, me and Mr. Jelly Belly." "I don't like the way this feels." "Please don't do me." "Okay, Molly, why don't you sit down, and we will all go get you a drink?" "Wow, what a great starter home." "Love it." "Super cute." "Mm-mm." "Mm!" "She is horrible." "Nightmare." "She is the worst." "Although, I really do like those boots." "I am still mad atyou, but right now I have to prioritize my hate." "It goes her, cooked green peppers, and then back to you." "ALEX:" "Maybe she's just nervous." "PENNY:" "We promised Dave." "Let's just suck it up and get through this." "Oh, my God, a vision board." "My mother made one ofthese in her Divorced Over 50 group." "I used to call it her desperation board." "[ALL laughing]" "She did me." "I take ityou're single, Penny?" "She's gotta go." "I knew it." "God, Molly is a nice, hot, sweet, caring, hot person." "You said "hot" twice." "She is hot twice." "The other things I put in there to spread out the "hots."" "I'm having fun." "Give me a break." "Dave, she jellied my belly." "You told me to bring her." "We hate her." "Well, clearly, not everybody hates her." "Alex, my ex-fiancee, who has more of a reason than any of you to not like Molly, is getting along just fine." "They're like Vaughn and Favreau in there." "Whatever." "I knew you couldn't be nice for just one night." "I think we should leave." "Dave." "Dave." "BRAD:" "Come on." "We are bad, bad people." "[GROANS]" "Who wants some poutine?" "ALL:" "I do." "Okay." "MAX:" "I want cheese and gravy and fries." "Hey, fella." "I know we're going through a rough patch right now, but my boss just texted me and he was wondering ifyou could give him a ride tonight." "I don't know." "Please?" "Please." "Pretty please with you on top?" "All right, I'll do it." "But only to prove to you that I can take one limo ride without crazy Max shooting off his mouth." "There's crazy Max shooting something off." "What's he shooting off?" "Probably his mouth because he's cra" "I'll do it." "I won't make a big deal about it." "FORRlSTAL:" "Hey." "[###]" "Dude, you got food all over your face." "You wanted to see me, sir?" "Yes." "I wanted to go over these reports." "Everything look all right to you?" "Yeah, absolutely." "Even the gigantic piece of pancake on my face?" "What?" "Pan who?" "Uh..." "Ahem." "I didn't notice." "You didn't notice" "I always have food on my face?" "Yes, I did." "I just thought it was a fashion choice like leaving yourtags on hats." "You should've said something." "Luckily, someone did." "Uh-oh." "Burrito de breakfast coming in hot." "What up, Brad?" "Oh, Forristal, try not to get any salsa on your face, you maniac." "I love this guy." "Max is exactly what we need around here." "I'm tired ofyes-men." "You know what I mean?" "Yes." "Wait." "No." "What's the right answer?" "[CELL PHONE ringing]" "What are you doing here?" "He texted me, said," ""Bring me breakfast burritos."" "Hey, hon." "Oh, your plane just landed?" "Oh, good." "No, I'll have someone come get you." "You mind going?" "Yeah, no problem." "No, no, no." "I meant Brad." "Huh?" "Max just got his burrito." "Sure thing." "I have a master's degree." "Absolutely." "Uh, sir, you have a little salsa on your face, you maniac." "You don't have to be a jerk about it." "Got it." "[###]" "PENNY:" "Hey." "Hey." "What are you doing here?" "Dropping off some sister stufffor Alex." "Is that a new top?" "No." "Look what I found here on the fridge." "Didn't you have "go to Greece" on your board?" "Yes, I did." "[LAUGHS]" "Well, it's not two first-class tickets to Greece." "It is one ticket to a first-grade class production of Grease 2." "Well, you know, the universe is eons old and sometimes a little hard of hearing, but I've heard the Mayview Elementary Gazette called Cody Libman the best cool rider since Kyle Libman." "Very talented family." "So this is one hot ticket." "Well..." "What is that smell?" "I don't know." "I don't know what that smell could be but I think it's coming from over here." "It's bringing me over here to the-- Oh, my God." "Five pounds of mussels?" "Didn't you ask for that?" "Unbelievable." "Jane, everything that I put on my board is coming true." "No." "Remember I put "reconnect with ladies" on there?" "Vaguely." "Just this morning, out of the crystal blue skies, I get a letter from my great-aunt Donna." "Huh!" "What did she have to say?" "A lot." "It was a surprisingly long letter given the fact that she is dead." "[GASPS]" "A ghost." "Yeah." "Okay, I'm sorry, Penny." "I'm sorry." "I appreciate what you're trying to do, but you don't have to fix my life." "I'm doing fine." "I know you are." "I just want you to have everything you want." "It's very sweet that you wanna do all this, but you're not gonna bring my aunt back to life, and you can't make Parker like me." "Parker?" "You got him to ask me out." "No." "No, I didn't." "You didn't?" "No." "Oh, my God." "The board works." "The board works, I knew it." "I knew it." "Except that I thought you put him up to it so I told him off." "I blew it." "No, no, you can un-blow it." "I can un-blow it." "Shh!" "Some of us are taking naps." "[###]" "Dave, what happened?" "Ugh." "I got tagged by a Latin gang." "I'm not sure what it says, but it can't be good." "How do you know?" "The skull and penis." "Ugh." "Look, everyone feels bad about what happened last night." "Yeah, they were so judgy, except you." "Why were you so nice to Molly?" "I know you aren't serious." "You're dating her because she's hot." "You should see her naked, it's-- I'm sorry." "Sometimes I forget that you're not a regular friend." "You and I are always gonna have a special thing, and when I see you have a special thing with someone else that's real and lasting, I'm gonna be a total bitch, just fyi." "I look forward to that day." "Oh, man." "Another penis." "[###]" "Dude, who throws keys that hard?" "I do, after having to drive Forristal's wife around Chicago for six hours so she could finish her book on tape, WaterforElephants." "Ugh." "Horrible." "I know." "I just started reading it." "Look, Brad-- What, Max?" "Hm?" "Do you have my job now?" "Do we pee in a fountain or touch a magic skull and swap lives so you get the nice house and hot wife and I sleep on an air mattress and iron my clothes with a toaster?" "Everyone knows that ironing is bad for your clothes." "Secondly, Forristal kicked me out of his office." "And that is not an air mattress, that is a pool float." "Wait, go back to the second one." "Forristal asked me to be honest so I told him you were the smartest, most hardworking guy I knew, and he kicked me out of his office." "Wait." "He kicked you out for that?" "Well, not really for that." "He agreed with me." "He thinks you're awesome." "Wow." "I more, kind of, in a way, misread a moment." "[BOTH CHUCKLlNG]" "You're a great guy, Max." "You too." "Ahh." "Yeah, I'm an idiot." "Dude, you're not an idiot." "No, I am." "I once ate a winning lottery ticket." "Oh." "[###]" "You can't hold me." "Sink it." "Sink it." "Hurt him." "Hurt him." "Sink it." "Sink it." "Phylicia Rashad." "Yeah, thatwas Phylicia Rashad." "Yeah, itfelt like Phylicia would have done that." "All right." "So I'll call you." "I will be waiting by my phone." "He totally understood, and he's so sweet." "He said I was a raven-haired beauty, then I said, "That's so Raven,"" "and then he laughed." "Or coughed." "But either way, I think he likes me." "And the craziest part is he has a vision board too." "Okay, when are you going out again?" "Never." "Like I would date a guy with a vision board." "[###]" "Yeah, I know." "You would not date a guy with a vision board because it wasn't on your vision board to date a guy with a vision board."