"Presents" "THE TIGER THEORY" "And he's done." "If you stitch it up well, he won't even find out." "You think?" "It may sound uncomfortable to you, gentlemen, but statistics don't lie." "If women live seven years longer than men, there must be a reason for it." "What do you think?" "We drink and smoke more." "Correct." "What else?" "Heart attacks." "And why?" "Well, because we drink and smoke more." "Yes, lifestyle." "My sweet little Tiger!" "My wanderer!" "Tiger?" "Well, he was always running after cat ladies." "Not anymore." "Well, I am glad." "Thank you, doctor." "Thank you on behalf of my Little Tiger and myself." "Don't thank me on behalf of Little Tiger, Ms Brabcové." "Not on his behalf." " Goodbye." " Goodbye." "Ah, male solidarity..." "Never ask who they are castrating, they are castraling you." "Hemingway." "Long ago, men had to defend their clan, hunt for animals, conquer new territories, wage wars." "But today?" "You are expected to take the tram to work in the morning and come back in the afternoon." "Everything else is an unnecessary risk." "If you avoided it, ate healthy food and enjoyed the time spent with your families, you would live as long as we, women, do." "Will you send them home?" "My mom decided to shield my father from all threats." "She wasn't indifferent to what he ate and did." "She dedicated most of her time and energy to it." "My father died today." "He was eighty two, so he surpassed the average male life expectancy by nine years." "Mom..." "He would always escape on his bicycle." "The old bat would look for him around the whole district." "He was able to pedal up any hill." "Even the Loukovsky hill from the river." "My father-in-law had arthritis." "He had trouble walking." "So he pedalled." "We're ready." "I was looking for grandpa's bike." "Why is it not in the shed?" "The bike is in the attic." "Why in the attic?" "Grandma meant well." "But..." "It's frightening." "An old codger on a bike." "But his bike was the last thing he had left." "He had trouble walking, so..." "Something could have happened to him." "Well, yeah." "That's right." "Well, luckily it ended well." "What about the cremation?" "Friday?" "Yep, on Friday." "We will bury him." "Bury him?" "Well, yeah, we will, in the end." "Didn't he want to be cremated?" "But the graveyard is just across the road." "It will be better for him." "Won't it?" "He will be glad." "We organize services and transport around the whole country including Moravia and Silesia, perhaps even abroad." "My father-in-law didn't want to travel." "He wished for a simple cremation." "My mom and I decided to bury him in the family grave in the end." "Certainly, then." "But, Olga, grandpa always wanted to be scattered, so..." "The service will be at Loukov, in a church." "The graveyard is right next to it." "You were there when he talked about a cremation." "At the graveyard, grandma can see him any time." "Well, that's exactly what he didn't want." "Sorry." "Let's not make this long." "We've made a provisional booking at the church for Friday." "Let me ask you kindly - as far as my funeral goes," "I agree in advance to be driven away by garbage men, if need be, but I'd like to order a cremation for my father-in-law." "My husband and I haven't had a chance to share all the information with each other." "I'll get back to you." "What was that?" "What was what?" "Grandpa knew exactly how he wanted it done after his death." "He hasn't been to the church in years and the priest with his lisp..." "You never remember anything and now you recall that the priest has a lisp?" "Olga, you were there." "Grandpa wanted his ashes to be thrown into the river from the bridge." "Not from the bridge, from the pier." "Down there at the Koudelka's." "You see?" "You know." "Well, we are not going to throw him into the dirty water, right?" "But that's the fucking point of last wishes: not to debate over them." "The person to discuss them with is no longer here anyway." " See?" " See what?" "That he doesn't care anymore." "He doesn't, but I do." "He was my father." "Yes, and your mother made his life hell." "She turned his boat into a rabbit hutch." "He had one single fucking wish:" "to sail down the Labe river to Hamburg." "One wish." "He had tons of wishes." "And I don't remember him having a single one fulfilled." "You poor little things, one like the other." "Do you also have any unfulfilled wishes?" "You know what the worst thing is?" "I don'!" "even know anymore." "Will you please calm down then and leave my dad's funeral up to me." "If you put him in a grave, I will dig him out." "Great." "This morning, my dad died." "You're so kind, simplifying things for me like that!" "Hello." "Coming." " Hi, mom." "Hi." " What took you so long?" "We're here now." "Hi." " Hi." "What is this, for god's sake?" " Alena allowed me to wear it." " Alena..." " The jacket?" "He wanted to wear it." "Well, him wanting it doesn't mean you should put him in it." "He's an adult, isn't he?" "Hi, sis." "Pepa, you can'!" "be in the pictures wearing this." "Take it off." " Why not?" "Alena!" " Come on." "Mom, do we have an old jacket in the wardrobe?" "And why did you take the dogs with you?" "But look..." "they are wearing a black elastic." " But they can't go in!" " Grandpa liked them, though." "Come, I'll give you a differentjacket." "Right." "I'm coming." "Ready, everyone?" "You're all making..." "...funeral faces." " What?" "And now, everyone look at me, please..." "Many of us know that our brother Alois hasn't set foot in this church for at least thirty years." "We were thus extremely pleased to hear from his wife and our sister Marie that her husband, at the very end of his life, made the ardent wish to have a prayer service at our church and be laid in the family grave in our graveyard," "just a few steps from the house in which he was so happy with his wife." "Let us pray." "Our Father in heaven, hallowed be thy name..." "Safe trip to Hamburg - what was that supposed to mean?" "Your dad is hinting at the fact that your grandpa wanted to be cremated and scattered in the river." " Don't pay attention to it." " Ah, ok." "But your grandpa wanted to be cremated, right?" "But the grandma didn't." "I don'!" "understand why dad keeps meddling with it." "Men shouldn't engage in practical matters at all." "Why?" " Because they have us for that." " Over time you will understand, sweetie." "Men have no idea why they are in the world." "Our task is to explain it to them." "Well, sometimes it takes them awhile to accept it, but then they are quite happy." "Where are they?" "So..." "I hope you know what you are doing?" "This is a fraud, in case you haven't realized." "Says who?" "The papers are in order and the crematorium will take it as a standard cremation without a service." "Nobody here will poke their noses in it anymore." "Well, when the time comes, I will put the old lady in that grave." "Yeah." "And she will be surprised to be there by herself." "I have never done anything like that in my life." "But you've also never been given that much money in one day." "Alright." "When everybody's out of here." "Thanks." "But he had a nice service, grandma." "Oh, the vegetables." "We got married in the same church." "Do you know how many years it's been?" "Fifty six." "Fifty six years?" "Erik, don't eat that, you know it gives you heartburn." "Mom, have some." "Fifty six years." "Well, the doctor said his sperm cells are incredibly lazy." "Not that they wouldn't move at all... but like..." "I don't know..." "Well yeah, seven percent motility." "Pepa was already lazy as a child." "But this is bad." "Can something be done about it?" "Well, I guess you will have to figure out my grandchildren in a different way." "Come on..." "You look like a rabbit." "Oh, the rabbits!" "I have two waiting for you there." "How are we doing, my dear boys?" "Hi, Pepa." "Erik, look." "And where is Karlik?" " Here." " Won't they run away?" "Why would they run away?" "They have everything they need here." "They get grass right under their noses from me." "Come here, nowhere feels better than at grandma's." "We've enjoyed it together, haven't we?" "And now Pepa." "Pepa!" "My darling!" "Hi." "Have you trimmed the thuja yet?" "Do you know how many kilometres grandpa had on his speedometer?" "Over twenty two thousand kilometres." " Well, that's a lot." " Quite a lot." "What about the thuja?" "I know about them." "I think I'll go for a ride." "I don'!" "remember the last time you did." "You said sports were unhealthy." "I'll go downhill." " Where are you going to go?" " Don't know." "To Skalka?" "Maybe." "Alright." "Let's go." "We haven't been there for a long time." "Fuck..." "Here, have a sip." "I don'!" "want to." "Do you want a dry T-shirt?" "You're sweaty." "You'll get that back pain again." "I was thinking of inviting Marta and Dan over for tonight." "We haven't played in a long time." "I'm not in the mood to play scrabble." "After you've rested for a bit, we'll go." "So that we don't start late." "But I don't want to play." "Come on, let's go." "Pissed." "That's forty six points." "Dan, you don'!" "look happy at all?" "Wounded, fracture, death and now this?" "Orc... orced... divorced?" "Divorced?" "How could she, for the love of god, agree with a divorce?" "It's a tragedy." "Well, sometimes people get divorced." "Alright, but Mana never used to make mistakes." "Mistakes?" "How do you know it was a mistake?" "Well, she's not going to stay alone, for the love of god?" "After all she's done for him." "I would never accept anything like that." "Well, yeah." "You are also divorced, right, Maruéka?" "Is it really that bad?" "At first, it is, then it isn't." "A year after her divorce, every woman is happy." "Well, not every woman." "I think it's true for all of them." "Hello, come in." "Hello." "Hi, Ondfej." "My wife sends me." "Let's take him out, shall we?" "He'll make a mess again." "But, Mr Herman, I am not going to speak to someone who's in a cage." " Let me help you." "Come here." " Up you go!" "There we go." "Hi, hello!" "Let's turn around." "I will turn him around." "Good boy." "So, what's the issue?" "That bloody leg again?" "He doesn't have an issue." "My wife has an issue." "She thinks, or feels, that Ondiej has dementia." "Show me your Gottwald face!" "I'm just coming back from the castle." "See, everything works just fine." "Well, the old stuff does, but when my wife wants him to say something new, he looks through her and says some completely unrelated nonsense." "She would tell him off for it, but he looks just so out of it, it's..." "Mr Herman, remember that he's old." "He needs his peace and quiet." "My wife thinks he has... er..." "Alzheimer's." "Alzheimer's?" "An African grey parrot?" "Alzheimer's?" "Her father had it." "Isee..." "And Ondfej has the exact same look on his face." "Like yesterday, she was saying something to him again and he was looking in front of himself... watching a clock hand." "Tic, toc, tic, toc, tic, toc... just like my father-in-law." "Well, I can't tell." "I haven't read about it anywhere." "But it's an interesting idea." "Tomorrow is a Saturday, you might finally have time to do the thuja." "Thuja?" "Hm." "What thuja?" "Thuja." " Do you know what a thuja is?" " Well, I do." "People plant them in rows so that no one can see inside their house." "Right." "And we have them?" "Jan!" "You have been trimming them for twenty years." "Why?" "So that they are thick." "I see." "Alena, the doc still hasn't gotten back to me about the results." "Yes, he has." "It's ok." "Wait, what do you mean by "he has" and "it's ok"?" "He was supposed to call me." "I met him by accident." "And?" "Excellent, Pepa." "You mean the sperm cells are fast?" " The fastest in town." " You're kidding!" "They kept escaping from under his microscope and he had to chase after them across the whole room." "You're silly." "Watch out, the dog!" "You are my favourite female, you know." "And what about those two lovers of yours?" "They're good, but very hairy." "Very haifY" "About the thuja - you were joking, right?" "What thuja?" "Last night." "Well, last night I went to Macék's to borrow this album." "Your classmate Ludék Macek emigrated thirty five years ago." "Did he?" "And where else would I get my hands on this?" "Michal Tuény, he will be a great star one day." "He's a bit obese..." "I don'!" "understand you at all." " What are talking about?" " Obesity." "It's a risk factor." "It would be a great loss." "Jan, you haven'!" "been yourself lately." "Shouldn't you go to the doctor?" "I am a doctor." "You're a vet, Jan." "He's just been acting very strange." "It's been going on since the funeral." "Olinka, wait a sec." "Fine now, it seemed to me that..." "He went to trim the thuja." "He did it automatically for years and now, suddenly, he has so many stupid comments about it." "Olinka, I'll call you back." "So I've decided to cut them properly for once." "There you go." "We will need a few more tests." "Blood, EEG, CT... the nurse will make appointments for you." "Nurse..." "Is it necessary?" "You gave me a prescription, I'll swallow a few pills..." "Something doesn't seem quite right to me." "Maybe it's just your age but..." "My age?" "Thirty is very young." "See, temporal regressions." "Plus troubles with short-term memory, now the poor thuja, like your wife said, fixating on crematoria;" "there is a lot of stuff, but when we have the results, we'll take a closer look." "At what?" " At your problems." " I see." "See, short term memory." "Oh my, I am sorry." "No, there is nothing to be sorry for." "It's related to the disease." "Don't give up, we will fight it." "I'll see you soon." "I will have a short chat with your wife now." "Thank you, doctor." "Nice to meet you." "I don'!" "believe he can forget I am his wife." "It says here that in their heads, people with Alzheimer's return to the part of their life when they felt good." "But dad feels good all the time." "Does he usually come back from the newsroom this late?" "A crisis has erupted somewhere probably." " Hi." " Hi dad." "Well, hello!" "I'm sorry, but they're at each other's throats in the Middle East again." "A huge crisis." " Hi." " Hi." " What's going on?" " Go ahead, read." "Damn." "How did he take it?" "Who?" "Well, your father- who are we talking about here?" "Well, he obviously doesn't know." " He doesn't know?" " No." "How could this piece of information be of any use to him?" "Well, so that he can make arrangements?" "While he still can." "I will make his arrangements." "Well, a guy with or without Alzheimer's, there's not much of a difference." " Here are your prostate pills." " Ok." "It's dosed." "I'll bring you the new meds." "I have to go to the faculty." "The pasta is in the oven, here are you memory exercises." "If you forget anything, you'll find it written here." "Most importantly, don't go anywhere." "We'll go shopping together later." "You need to walk a little." "Well, that will be difficult." "I have to go the clinic." "I have patients coming over, so..." "You don't have to come in today, I called them." "Why did you call?" "To tell them you don't feel well." "I will go there to give them the sick note." "What sick note?" "You can't treat patients in this state." "You could harm someone." "Bye-bye." "Wait!" "I can fucking take care of that myself, can't I?" "That's what we don't know, Jan." "And I am taking the car to drive to the station." "You shouldn't drive anyway." "Do you know where my keys are?" "I am afraid I can't help you - in this state." ""The way"" "Hi." "Is there a problem?" "Where have you gone, for god's sake?" "What do you mean?" "Or..." "Well, you've been gone." "Have I missed that there is a curfew or something?" "Hi." "You said he was disoriented." "Mom sacrificed her entire life for you." "So, the only thing she wants now is that you listen to her." "We'll get through this, Jan." "But the medication is not enough, some discipline will be needed, too." "Because if it gets worse, she would have to put you in a home." "In a home?" "What home?" "Don't worry, you don't have to be afraid." "But you need to listen, ok?" "Will you try?" "I will." "I will." "Hi, dad!" "Hi." "Come here, my dear girls." "What beauties they are!" " Hi." " Hi." "What are you doing here?" "Visiting." " You." " To watch over me?" "No, not that." "Would you happen to know where my bike is?" "Well, we don't know that, but we know who took it from you." "Supposedly it's for your own good." "Yes, yes." "Everything is for our own good." "Alright, so what are we going to do?" "Don't know." "We'll improvise." "Yes." "Dad?" "Here you go, Pepa." "Start pumping." "Mom wants you to retire." "Sounds reasonable, doesn't it?" "So you'll be under surveillance at every single moment." "Do you want that?" "I could also move to the country, gents." "Those cows of yours over there, right?" "My cows?" "Our cows." "Hey, you keep writing about a crisis." "This is a crisis, cows are a crisis." "I studied to be a vet because of them." "So why didn't you stick with them?" "Because there are more retrievers than cows around Prague," "I had to make a living for us, right?" "Hi, mom." "Yeah, fine." "How are you?" "Yes." "Us?" "We've taken him for a walk, it will be good for his health..." "Before that, we went to the pharmacy, then to the drugstore, where we picked up the med boxes..." "On the river?" "What would we be doing on the river?" "I will have to take precautions." "You must be Jan?" "Yes." "My name is Véianové." "The new nurse." "Your wife hired me." "I see." "And who are you planning on nursing here?" "Well, I know things went rather quickly but..." "I believe..." "I can feel that we will be friends." "Oh, pills?" "Dispenser?" "Meds?" "Yes." "Prostate." "And bowel movements?" "Have you had one today?" "Yes, I have." "I knew we would do well together." "Well - at first, your wife thought you would be against this but..." "Look, Ms Véianské..." "No, no, Véianové." "Véianové." "I will get changed now and then we will talk about what we are going to do." "Fantastic." "I have many great ideas." "Good." "I will ask the agency to replace you, Ms Véianové." "But I can't keep him here by force." "You'd been there for barely three minutes and he already ran away." "I am a nurse, not a prison guard." "I won't be tying him down." " That's not possible." " Wait!" "Ms Véianové, I will get back to you." "Olga, I have a heard." "My heard." "That's the thing - it's not his heard." "It's Kalivoda's, he stole them up at Viéhovka park." "What are you going to do with goats?" "You must be doing this on purpose." "Goat cheese is good for your brain, Olga." "I'll buy the cheese for you." "It must be fresh." "They will live in the garden." "In our garden?" "Goats can't live in a garden, you must take them out to a pasture." "Come on, you..." "I will take them for long walks." "Wait, goat." "That's my wife, you'll get used to her." "Gentlemen, he's not feeling well." "He has mental issues." "I will heard him... drive him home and herd the goats back, alright?" "0r you'll go by yourselves, won't you?" "Just bugger off to where you've come from." "Bugger off!" "Olga]" "Stinky goats!" "I..." "I don't want you here!" "And I've stepped into something." "This is making me insane." "You should put him somewhere before he does something again." "I'll keep an eye on him." "You no longer will be able to." "This decision is the biggest fucking nonsense I have ever heard." "It's quite pretty here, isn't it?" "You've chosen this place, so hopefully you will like it here." "These are your slippers, Mr Berger." "This is what you will wear here, alright?" "Make sure you finish your meal, captain." "You are a soldier?" "No, I used to be a sailor." "Now I am going to have a family." "What the hell is that noise?" "Hush, your dog, of course!" "Do you like dogs?" " No." " And why?" "You need to create a program for them." "They don't have their own plan." "You lock the back gate, right, doctor?" "Don't worry, Ms Bergerové." "We will take good care of your husband here." "Hello." "So I see you've met already." "This is the director." " He will take care of you here." " Welcome." "Hello." "I'll put your phone here." "Our home number is in it." "The nurse put your pyjamas in the wardrobe, right?" "The documentation is in the office." "Here are lecithin bars, they are good for your memory." "So that's done." "Thanks." "And why didn't you just get a normal divorce?" "A divorce?" "She wouldn't survive that." "So having a husband in a mental institution is better for her?" "Yeah, happens in the best of families." "We'll see how much good it will do you here." "Group activities, park after lunch, singing in the afternoon." "And leaves of absence..." "Well, more like yard time." "Tonda, my dear friend," "I need some fresh air." "Be a bit more alive again." "You can't go outside, you're hospitalized here." "Come on." "You know what sort of a mess you will get us in if they don't find you here?" "And who's going to look for me?" "Well, an inspector from the insurance company, that's the better option." "The worse option is her." "Don't pull me into this." "Before you allow her to visit, you'll call me and I'll come back." "Tonda..." "I thought you were putting on an act but you are truly insane." "Do you also have Alzheimer's?" "No, I am here because of sexual insufficiency." "I don'!" "perform well enough, yet." "And a good quality woman, you know, expects a good performance." "Where did you get this from?" "They write about it everywhere." "Two orgasms, three orgasms, you can't do without that today." "And that beautiful lady, will she come again sometime?" "My wife?" "It must be nice to have a woman all to yourself." "I have never had a woman all to myself." "You really think she's pretty?" "I would exchange her for a dog." "Do you want my dog?" "I don'!" "want a dog." "They want to put him to sleep." "What about an parka?" "You must have a reliable parka." "And boots and a bag." "Hi." " Hello." " Come, girls!" "They are cheating on you." "Hello." "Wait." "You'll see, it will be a surprise." "Hi, sis!" "I wanted to make spinach pancakes but he bought this." "What's the problem with it?" "He bought coarsely-ground flour, can you understand that?" "He said it seemed fine enough to him." " We will feed him some veggies then." " Exactly." "What's he doing in a shack by the dam?" "Maybe he's really gone mad." "We're supposed to visit him at the weekend, so we'll see." " Both of us?" " Both of us." "Secretly." "How come those two don't know?" "What should we tell them?" "I always say I'm taking the dogs to an exhibition." "That's good." " But I don't have dogs." "30 make something up." "What if I just said that..." "that I simply have to go somewhere." "And where?" "Somewhere." "That I just can't tell her where." "Man, women always have to know where we are." " That's exactly what your mother says." " What about my mom?" "I was asking if she was worried about your dad." "Well, of course she is." "She calls there every day." "But it seems they're guarding him well." "Lunch." "Have you noticed that a man's happiness depends on the quality of the security service?" "Come here." "Come." "Let's go." "Let's go." "Come, come, come." "Heel!" "Well, hello, a safe journey to Hamburg." " The funeral photographer." " Yep." " You live somewhere here?" " Third grave from the right." "You look different." "Do you know where I would find the undertaker?" "He will be over there, come with me." "You come, too, dog." "Come, come, come." "Everything alright?" "Well, until it dawns on somebody that one dead man is both cremated and buried." "It won't." " I'm not so sure." " Thanks." " Julie, are you insane?" " What?" "The dog is in the mental institution with you?" "Yes." "We take each other for walks, right, you little monster?" "And why are you there?" "Various reasons." "I don'!" "recognize people, I forget," "I am quite dangerous." "A schizophrenic?" "No, no." "More like senile dementia." "Will you give us a ride to the station?" "Would you like to have tea or something?" "I will make you a nice picture." "So that you have a souvenir from those walks." "So, here I come." "I wanted to make you tea with rum but couldn't find any tea." "Call me Julie." "Jan. Cheers." "Cheers." "Can you sit over there with the dog?" "She'll take a picture of us." "But you can't publish these pictures until after my death." "Why?" "Well, we're on the run." "I see, of course." "Let me see you." "You live here by yourself?" "Most of the time I do." "You know how it goes." "It's all so nice at the beginning and then the relationships start expanding and devouring everything around them." "That is terrible, so I pull the emergency brake and that's it." "Marriage is nice, I guess, but it doesn't have a pre-defined beginning and end, which bothers me." "What, am I saying nonsense?" "No, on the contrary." "On the contrary." "Don't move." "Great." "Guys come into your life, make themselves comfortable in it and wait what will happen." "That doesn't interest me, I'd rather be by myself." " You don't believe me?" " No." "But it makes for good listening." "Do you want to stay here for a few days?" "What are we having?" "Buckwheat." "I see." "Boiled?" "Let's wait for the others, since they took the effort to make it, shall we?" " Bon appetite." " Bon appetite." "Hm, wow, veggies." "With veggies on the side." "I have to go to Dééin on Friday." "To the printing office." "You've been there recently." "Exactly." "It is difficult to reach an agreement with them." "We have pushed the prices down, they use it as an excuse, so I have to go there in person and get to know them a bit." "I will stay until Saturday so that we have time to talk about it." "You said we would go skating together." "We will go on Sunday." "But I can't on Sunday." "And I can't on Saturday." "Sprouts, anybody?" "You're mad at me?" "Is something wrong?" "No." "Are you annoyed that I'm going to Dééin?" "Not at all." "It's just suspicious." "Our partner printing office is there, we have to visit it from time to time." "What's suspicious about that?" "Well, the fact that sorting out the printing for one newspaper will take you two days." "Alright, so besides our life together, you're now going to judge my work tasks?" "Our life together?" "I am the only one here who's interested in some sort of a common program." "You may not even have noticed, after thirteen years, that you're married." "We can go skating the following weekend." "You're an adult." "They have given you your ID card." "You can do whatever you want." "A snack." "Thanks." "I had a nice time here." "And what about you, dog?" "You hungry?" "Look what I've brought you." "There you go." "And do you know I can make a really good steak?" "You're using the dog to seduce me." "Finally, you've noticed." "You're rather slow-witted." "It's the diagnosis, I guess." "But it's pouring out there." "This is waterproof." "You're awfully careful." "Bye." "Come, dog, let's go." "Come, dog, let's go." " A business trip?" " Yes." " To the printing office?" " Yes." "For two days?" "Call the newsroom." "I did." "They told me he's at the printing office." "Of course." "They are covering for him." "Shall I go to Dééin?" "You'd better make a scene." "They have trouble coping with that." "You mean like a hysterical fit?" "No, I didn't mean that." "Try the poor little girl act." "Olina makes two kinds of scenes." "The Italian version and then the quiet, Czech, pissed-off version." "Well, mom coached her during her entire childhood." "Which one did she use more?" "Our father was more responsive to the Czech, pissed-off one." "You know, maybe instead of lying about the printing office," "I should have just put up with that look on her face and told her I was coming here." "I don'!" "know." "What can she do to me?" "Ban me from the computer?" "Take my money?" "Hide the car keys?" "Divorce me?" "Well, probably not that." "Exactly." "She wants to domesticate me, not lose me." "You've got to be kidding me that he lives here now." "Look." "Over there, where the smoke is coming from?" "He's insane." "Wow, he's making a fire." "Hey, the girls are here." " Hello." " Hi, dad." "Hi." "Well, it's not easy to find you!" "So this is that mental institution of yours?" "Yes." "You really live here?" "Great." "So you've made it as far as becoming a homeless man." "I will write a story about you." "Mom would be surprised, eh, Pepa?" "She is already." "Do you know that she worries about you?" "I can totally see it." "A renowned veterinarian freezes to death on Christmas Eve at a dam." "Come on, who knows what things will be like in winter." "Careful - surviving winter as a homeless man requires a lot of know-how." "Do you know that you can put dry newspaper under your clothes?" "It warms you up." "We ran a story on that." "So, gents, cheers." " Cheers." " Cheers." "To your health." "You know what I don't get?" "How come you've let things go so far?" "Well, I thought that doing more or less what she wanted would give me peace and quiet." "And it turned out to be a totally shitty strategy." "Yes." " Thanks." " You're welcome." "So, gents, cheers." "Cheers." "To your health." "By the way, I need to go somewhere again next weekend." "To take care of something." "Take care of what?" "Well, there is a reason why I can't tell you more, I'm sorry." "I don'!" "get it." "Why can't you tell me more?" "I would like to but I can't." "So we're going to play a game of secrets now?" "Erik, come on, pull yourself together!" "I am completely pulled together." "For once, you won't know where I am, that's all." "But I should know where you are, shouldn't I?" "Well, this one, exceptional time, you won't know absolutely everything and anything." "Wait - what does mean, everything and anything?" "You are in control of when I get up, what I eat, what I watch at the cinema, what I do at night, what pyjamas I wear." "You are in control of a 100% of my time." "Wait, and what's wrong with that?" "Jesus, the fact that no one could stand that!" "You know more about me than I know about myself." "You know what I am about to say, what my plans are for next weekend, where the things I am looking for are - even before I start looking for them!" "Jesus Christ, finally at least somebody around here knows where your stuff is, so what?" "But I am me, not your fucking second half." "Erik, come on." "You have to understand it is not normal that you don't want to tell me where you are going." "Live with it, for fuck's sake." "I didn't want to fight." "I know." "It's fine." "I just wanted to know where you were going." "I know." "Good night." "Night." "I thought we would visit grandma." "What's going on?" "Are you sick?" "No." "I just have a bit of trouble breathing." "Shall I bring you something?" "No, I'll take a pill." "Olinka, are you ok?" "Yes, yes, yes." "Just go to sleep." "If it stans again, call us, but as I said, the EKG is clean." "0k, thank you." "And sorry." "Not at all." "That's what we're here for." "See you." "Thanks." "Bye." "We buy rabbit skins." "That was a narrow escape, little bunny, eh?" "They almost got you." "Calm down, would you?" "My dear girl." "How do you feel?" "We've been worried about you." "It' alright now but..." "let me tell you, itwas..." "Hi." "Before I forget - can you drive Alena home for me on Sunday?" "I have to take the girls to an exhibition tomorrow." "Yeah, ok." "To an exhibition?" "When?" "I've just said it, tomorrow." "Why the fuck is Pepa allowed to wander off, but when I wanted to, it wasn't possible?" " Could you watch your tongue, please?" " Ten crowns, dad." " Like hell." " That makes it fifteen." "Have you said hello to the grandmas actually?" "She's cool." "This really pisses me off." "Ten crowns." "Wait, I'll put in some more." "And that's done." "Pepa, you will cancel the exhibition tomorrow." "At least for me." "Fanéa is beautiful, we all know that." "She just won't have a diploma to show for it, for once." " What did that person just say?" " Keep calm." "At least out of politeness towards grandma, eh?" "She killed two rabbits, what would it do to you to eat them tomorrow?" "Right." "Granny, you'll save me a portion, won't you?" "Grandma!" "Won't you say anything to him?" "I don'!" "see any problem here." "Christ, ok, just do whatever you want then!" "Yep, that's exactly what we all wanted." "The more freedom, the more frequent rebellions." "We teach that in freshman year." "You knew that with one fucking signature, you were selling the rest of your life of someone else?" "That you would never again get a leave of absence?" "Good dog." "You can go now." "Go now... man." "Even the dog can go." "It must be a misunderstanding, Olinka." "Erik knows he's your husband." "And he must tell you absolutely everything and anything." "Well he told me that he wouldn't tell me." "That he has the right not to." "Right?" "Right." "I wonder where he gets those words from." "It should be stipulated by law that married people can claim two free days a month without having the obligation to report on them." "You smoke too much pot." "Erik, come on, you throw the gherkins in like you would throw potatoes into the cellar." "You have to do it nice and neat." "Jam at least twelve gherkins inside or it's a waste of space, brine, everything." "Give it to me, otherwise we'll be here till Christmas." "No, let him do it, mom." "The editor-in-chief of a national daily can stuff twelve gherkins in a glass, can't he?" "Olinka?" "I'll leave tomorrow with Pepa, you can keep our car here." "I will be back home on Sunday." "No." "Here you are." "No." "Slow down, my dear Erik." "You know it gives you heartburn." "And you, my dear Pepa, don't eat it just like that." "But?" "Gentlemen, this is what you call freedom?" "Stuffing yourselves?" " Vitamins." " Yeah, right." "Hey, I don't want to see you knocking up my champions here." "Come on, he's been impotent for a long time, right, dog?" "Well, that makes two of us, bro." "No, no." "You're not impotent, you're infenile." "That's a big difference." "What do you mean, infertile?" "I meant like, in general, that you are not impotent." "You just take after me." "Alena told you something?" " She did, didn't she?" " No, she didn't." "You've seen the sperm tests." "Are they slow?" "They're slow, aren't they?" "Yeah, they are." "Well, they are a bit more tranquil." "Pepa..." "Hey, all of that can be taken care of at the lab these days." "We've run a story on that, really." "Enjoy, my friend." "So they've really run off." "But we don't know where." "We do." "Fanéa has a chip in her collar." "In case she got lost." "She doesn't." "He takes a different one for exhibitions." "The collar with the chip is in the kitchen." "It's not." "It is at the bottom of Erik's bag." "Just to be sure." "Alright, but only Pepa and I have the app in our phones." "And I won't turn it on because the girls haven't gotten lost." "I was just testing how anti-social you are." "Probably quite a lot." "Alena, you should help Olinka." "Don't bother, grandma." "I'll manage without her." "Erik's phone sends me information about his location." "About what?" "Like where he is now?" "Family sharing." "A common thing in civilized countries." "Wait, wouldn't he have to turn it on first?" "It has already been turned on." "By me." "I don'!" "think he even knows that he has that function on his phone." "No, no, wait." "Men sometimes have issues with family sharing, you know." "Come on." "That is below your dignity." "This is not about dignity;" "it's about prevention." "The dot." "That's Erik?" "So, gentlemen..." "What's inside?" "Grandpa's inside." "But we buried him." "Which is what he didn't want, you know that." " Are there really ashes in this?" " Yes." "Wait, so he is not in the churchyard?" "He was there for an hour, then he stopped by the crematorium and now he's here." "Man!" "Have a safe journey to Hamburg!" "Give it here!" "Give it here!" "Don't meddle with ourfamily." "Mom knows?" "No, she doesn't." "Are you telling me that grandma and mom put flowers on an empty grave?" "They should have respected his wish." "Right." "What do you mean, a wish?" "He's dead." "It doesn't matter that he's dead." "A wish is a wish, isn't it?" "It does matter." "Grandma wanted to have him in the graveyard." "It's right next to her house." "That's exactly what grandpa didn't want." "Great." "Why are you the one messing with this, actually?" "Pepa..." "You're a complete foreigner to him." "Grandpa is not going to sail anywhere." "He will go home and you should, too." "Ada, Fanéa, let's go." "What has gotten into you, Pepa?" "We are a family." " You are nothing but a thief." " Man, I married Olina." "Your mistake." "Ada, Fanéa!" "Do you think I am enjoying it?" "Stealing grandpa like that." "Fantastic." "Pepa!" "Leave me be." "Come on, get in the car." "Alright, listen to me." "I have come up with a compromise." "We'll go to the graveyard and bury the urn in the grave together." "Grandpa will be present when someone comes to visit him, and cremated, as he wanted." "But grandpa mostly wanted to get away." "As far from them as possible." " Don't exaggerate." " I am not." "Alright." "As you wish." "I'll take him there myself." "Bye." "Pepa!" "Pepa!" "Don't you get it?" "This is about principles." "About freedom." "Yeah." "He should've been free when he still lived." "As you two should be." "How the fuck were we supposed to do that when the communists were in power for forty years?" "That's really great from you." "You're more impotent than me." "Always trying to outsmart and dodge them." "You excel at that." "You were lucky, you got Alena and now you'll brag about it?" "Nonsense, man." "If you can't choose well, don't get married." "Wait, that..." "You got married to my sister, what did you expect?" "It's the same with cows." "All he does is philosophize about it, saying that cows also have the right to a happy life." "Of course they do." "Give it to them, then!" "A vet." " Pepa!" " Pepa!" "What?" " We will get in trouble." " Not interested." "There will be trouble." "Help me, Erik." "But I am an editor in chief." "Come!" "Freedom!" " I can write about it." " Go, cows." "Freedom has arrived!" "Come, girls!" "Uncle will take you for a trip!" "This is freedom!" "What, you're afraid again, aren't you?" "As always." "Even the cows, when they can, they go." "See that?" "For thirty years, you've just been sitting and looking around." "Women didn't take any freedom from you;" "you've never had any inside you." "There was nothing to take." "Come, let's go!" "Freedom!" "We're cowboys herding stolen cows on the prairie through day and night." "People in the newsroom won't believe me." " And we will help the poor." " Right." "Like Robin Hood, Nikola éuhaj," "Jénoéik... you know, those guys." "Do you know what those guys had in common?" "That they were true men." "No." "No." "That they got caught and executed in the end." "Fuck." " Oops." "Do we have any guns?" " Wait, you two disappear." " Maybe they're going somewhere else." " They're not." "Keep calm." "I was the one who fucked up." "You did fuck up, but I am a mental patient, so I will get out of this somehow." "As for me, I won't run away from anybody anymore." " Take the um and get out of here." " Alright." "Don't tamper with grandpa." "I have him weighed." " Of course." "Bye, dad." "Stay strong!" " Bye." "Ada, Fanéa, let's go." "Give me some more." "So, once more, alright?" "Where did you get the herd?" "We liberated it." "No, you stole it." "Cows have the right to a good life." "But humane treatment makes steaks expensive for butchers." "Sure." "And you are their saviour, aren't you?" "I am a shepherd preaching love of cattle." "I can't anymore." "This one also preaches love of cattle?" "Alright." "Look, my father-in-law is hospitalized at a mental institution, so you can't take word for word everything he says." "0k." "Ok." "So the address of the institution, phone number..." "Thanks." "Our colleague." "My name is Héjkové." "Can I pick him up, then?" " After you." " Thanks." "Yes?" " Olinka?" "What are you doing here?" " Hi." "It is thanks to your wife that we'd found you before something truly serious happened." "The herd could have roamed onto the road or train tracks." "But she had no idea where we were?" "So, is that all?" "Can I take him home with me?" "Sign here." "Yes." "What do you mean, she found us?" "Your wife made a wise use of certain technical amenities." "I still don't get it." "You should know that your phone sends its coordinates." "Sends its coordinates to whom?" "Listen." "If you'd just told me where you were," "I wouldn't have had to do this at all." "Are you saying you bugged me, just like that?" "It's your own fault; you shouldn't have behaved like that." "Man, so she teamed up on me with the national police?" "Calm down, would you, please?" "You have the manners of the secret police!" "What are you doing?" "Calm down!" " Please..." " You even look like them!" "Please..." "Calm down!" "Please, please." "First, we will finalize the release and then you can talk about this in a calm fashion, ok?" "There will no longer be anything to talk about." "What do you mean, nothing to talk about?" "In a marriage, there are certain rules..." "Shut up!" "Please, you can't leave." "You too, shut your mouth." "So either arrest me immediately or leave me alone!" " Arrest him." " You have abused personal data." " Where are you going?" " Away." "But where, away?" "Get the coordinates, bitch!" "That will be fifty crowns." "Sorry?" "Well, "bitch" is for fifty crowns." "Wait for a moment, his wife is organizing his transfer to the Bohnice institute." "What do you mean, Bohnice?" "To a closed unit." "I hear you escape all the time." "No, no." "I belong to the institution in Poiiéi." "I need my medication." "How come you suddenly know where you are being treated?" "And what about the cows?" "But I don't want to go to Prague." "I need to call the head doctor in Pofiéi." "You are mentally ill." "Your wife wanting to have you under supervision can only be a good thing." "Gentlemen, you can't do this to me." "That woman destroyed forty years of my life." "I want to go back to my institution." "To my madhouse." "I don'!" "believe that you'd use the institution to hide from her." "That wouldn't help you." "You think?" "Just don't talk to him at all." "Karel, wait." "And the dog, madam?" " Sorry?" " Well, will you take him or not?" "Hello." "Mr Berger." "Sign here." "What is this?" "They're inspecting everything." "You mean because of me?" "And tomorrow, people from the ministry are coming." "They were asking why our patients herd cows somewhere in the hills." "They watched the news." "Hi, Olinka." "What's with the dog?" "Don't pretend you don't know him." "Come in." "What's going on?" "Are you also planning to run away?" "Me?" "No." "Why?" "Wow, what a state this place is in." "She's so messy." "It's fine." "Alena is cool." "Cool?" " Yes." " Where is she?" " I guess she's gone to the gym." " At midnight?" "Or maybe she's gone out for a glass of wine with someone." "For wine, where?" "For wine, with whom?" "What do you mean, for wine?" "Wow, I make so much effon!" "I would never go for wine if our home was so incredibly messy." "Erik has his meals cooked for him, his clothes washed and ironed, our girl does hobbies he doesn't even know about," "I arrange our holidays, I do everything." "So what the fuck am I doing wrong, brother?" "Keep calm, sis." "Everything will be ok." "Pepa!" "Honey!" "I'm home, my love!" "Do you know what time it is, my dear wife?" "We are being tormented here, yearning for your presence and you roam around in the middle of the night." "Maybe you have a lover?" "Pepa, I have something for you." " A gift?" " Wait." "0k." "What is it?" "A picture?" "Pepa, please, take a proper look, what is it, hm?" "Don't know, something abstract or..." "Pepa, come on, it's a baby." "A baby?" "Wow." "Hi." "Oh, hi, hi!" "What are you doing?" " You are not allowed to go outside." " Come on, step aside." "How can I help?" "The head doctor... doesn't work here anymore." "And you're who?" "My name is Berger, I've been placed here." "Ah, you're the one." "I've heard that you are more often displaced than placed." "I actually wanted to arrange..." "There is not much to be arranged." "You will have to make up your mind about what's actually wrong with you." "We are very reliable when it comes to caring for ill people." "Reliable mainly means a strict schedule and a properly locked door, especially at the closed unit." "But I am not in the closed unit." "Of course." "But a patient committing criminal activities in a state of diminished capacity definitely belongs in the closed unit." "I understand." "And if you think we will make some sort of a deal later, you are wrong." "Do you believe me?" "So this is what I get for all I've done for you?" "Great." "Wanna get pregnant?" "Alright." "I could have found somebody for you." "But why him?" "I've sacrificed everything for you, absolutely everything." "I took you everywhere with me, and you?" "You have tarnished everything." "To the very last bit." "And you?" "Ha-ha." "You bastard, you have fucked your hostess." "A pure breed." "You'll be paying maintenance, you stinker." "Maybe the first try didn't work out." "We also had to make an effort." "By the way, Pepa is not interested in how you got pregnant?" "What do you mean, how?" "The usual way." "Come on, we all know of Pepa's issues with his sperm." "And why do you make it your business?" "I'm just asking." "I'm his sister." "No, you are not asking." "You just criticize everybody." "Your father left your mom because he'd had enough and if I am not mistaken," "Erik has done the same, hasn't he?" "My father is ill and Erik and I have just had a normal fight." "But he doesn't fight with you." "He only dodges because he doesn't know if the next blow will come from the left or right." "Says somebody who undoubtedly has Pepa under control..." "Don't you care at all about where he was for those two days?" "I don't." "And you know what?" "Maybe that's why Pepa feels relaxed at home." "The only man in this family." "And you're happy." "Yes, we are." "All that happiness has even made you pregnant." "Exactly." "You know what?" "Maybe all it took was to cheer his sperm up a bit." "Try it sometimes." "Don't even look that way." "Come." "Hop inside, come on." "Bye." "Thanks for the visit." " And what are you going to do about it?" " About what?" "Well, the child isn't yours, I assume you know that?" "Alena is mine, so the baby is mine, too." "Don't be stupid, brother, she has cheated on you, plain and simple." "Or do you really think she has managed to cheer your sperm up somehow?" "Well, she's just found a way to take care of it." "A way - but what way would you say?" "Think." "Come on." "You keep saying that guys shouldn't interfere with practicalities at all, that it will make us happier, so I don't interfere." "Look." "I will either be an idiot who got cheated on or a happy dad." "I have chosen the latter." "Everyone can choose what they will be, correct?" "So, Alena has just taken care of things somehow." "Because she loves me." "Take care, bye." "Come." "Out!" "What's going on?" "Take him back where he belongs." "Hey, now he will screw the other one, too." "You'll manage." "Wait, where are you going?" "Are you crazy or what?" "Hi, Jan." "Hi." "So you're here already." "Yes." "I was expecting you later." "I know, but they..." "That undrinkable coffee of yours again." "I'll make you tea." "Herbal tea with honey." "I'm so glad things will be the same as they used to be." "What did you play with as a little girl?" "Well, what do you think?" "With dolls." "My dad built me a room for them, then a dollhouse." "And you?" "We'd play police, bandits, but mostly cowboys." "That's why I went to study to be a vet." "So all your dreams have come true?" "Our." "Our dreams have come true." "Well." "Where do you want to go?" "I don'!" "know." "But I won't be leaving this house." "I don'!" "want to start from nothing at the age of sixty." "And I don't know why I should be getting divorced." "None of this is my fault." "I am not going to court." "You don't have to." "I have sacrificed my entire life for this family." "You have destroyed everything." "You have spoiled everything." "Where is he going to live?" "How do I know?" "He has to live somewhere." "Maybe he will better off somewhere else than with me." "Does he have money?" "No idea." "Well, has he taken his card or not?" "He didn't need it at the institution." "Now he will." "How much is on it?" "I don'!" "know." "The usual." "I'll send it after Erik." "He's supposed to come over for his stuff, anyway." "Everything your dad needs is here." "With me." "Yeah, mom." "But he's an adult." "And he has the right to live his own life." "And when did you come up with that, honey?" "Before Erik ran away?" "0r after?" "I'll call you." "Yes." "But it's just an old shed." "A pile of rubbish." "What?" "What use will it be to you, my dear girl?" "Can I take it, then?" "But without the rabbit hutch." "Alright." "You can drive in!" "It's a houseboat, so why did grandpa never have it on the river?" "Well there was this decree, under communism." "All the houseboats had to stay on shore." "Well yeah, grandma, but.." "Grandpa was happy to stay at home." "No, grandma, I don't think he was." " Hi." " Hi." "What the hell are you doing here?" "I assume you know where dad lives?" "Well, it's not exactly a living space." "Give him this." " PIN?" " That's his card." "And this." "But it's full of holes." "Well, you keep going on about solidarity, so fix it up for him, won't you?" "Three months later" "The most recent research of professor Heldsam from Brown" "University has confirmed that the lives of divorced men are on average fourteen hundred days shorter than those of married men." "That is almost four years, my friends." "Divorced men spend twice as much time in hospitals, they're nine times more likely to fall into depression" "and their risk of premature death is fifteen percent higher." "Show me." "This is fine." "Your teeth, yes, yes." "And your ear?" "While divorced women can still find joy in their work, enjoy time with their grandchildren and pursue their hobbies, a divorced man quickly loses his life's purpose and starts to sink into sadness and solitude." "If you can save these men, my dear female colleagues, then please do." "I really don't do neutering." "But I don't understand why?" "Because of my conviction." "Fifty six years." "Fifty six."