"[light jazzy music]" "So, Richard, are you allowed to tell us what's going to be in tomorrow's column?" "Haven't written it yet." "You haven't written it yet?" "Would you believe that nothing of interest has happened in the last 24 hours?" "If there aren't any scandals by midnight, I'm going to have to make something up." "You know how I hate to do that." "I have missed you." "I haven't seen you all summer, and, oh, my god, you've both got more gorgeous." "I hate you." "Hi, Richard." "Look what we brought." "Chocolates!" "Mm-mm-mm." "How is he?" "My father?" "He's fine, Stephen." "He's fine." "What, do you think he's going to evaporate if you go one day without seeing him?" "Bruno here yet?" "And ruin his entrance?" "You know he never gets here before you two." "Fasten your seatbelts." "It's going to be a bumpy night." "This season, I am paying for my ticket, Stephen." "I mean it." "For Christ's sake, Cheryl, let them pay for it." "With what my father pays them, believe me, they can afford it." "And we're worth every penny." "Says who?" "Oh, I don't know; your father." "Your mother, your brothers." "Shall we?" "I can't wait to see the look on Stephen's face." "What?" "What's the matter?" "I'm just not sure about this." "Jack, this is your birthday present." "This is what you said you wanted." "Visiting him is what I wanted." "Making it a surprise was your idea." "You remember when he was little." "He loved surprises." "Ada, he's not a kid anymore." "He's all grown up." "So you didn't think the soprano sounded a little flat." "She sounded fine to me." "I think she sounded flat." "She was fine." "But Ricci was magnificent." "Incredible." "Excuse us." "Nobody sees Mr. Ricci during intermission." "Max, I told you I didn't want to see anybody." "Bravo, Maestro." "You were terrific." "Oh, boys." "Where's Max?" "Max?" "My bodyguard." "He's not out here." "You got a bodyguard?" "Make enemies with the wrong people..." "How's your pop, Danny?" "He's good, real good." "He listens to your records all the time." "Pardon my eating like this, boys." "15 minutes, Mr. Ricci!" "Boys, excuse me." "My love to your parents." "I mean that." "Boys, I said please excuse me." "You gamble too much, Maestro." "Even money you don't have, you lose, borrow to pay it back." "And the worst part is, you end up owing your friends money." "What the hell is it to you?" "You were supposed to pay Victor Patrizzi $40,000 in August." "It's now September." "To treat a man like Don Patrizzi in this way, well, it shows a lack of respect." "Respect." "I should give an asshole like that respect?" "Do you have any money with you?" "You usually carry a blank check." "This is what Patrizzi sends me, a couple of fairies in diapers?" "Now, you listen to me, girls." "You tell Victor Patrizzi he'll get his money when I'm good and ready!" "Now get out before Max throws you out." "Relax, Maestro." "Breathe through your nose." "The blank check, where is it?" "Through your nose, Maestro." "There you go." "Breathe through your nose." "That's it." "Don't swallow." "There you go." "You're going to have to help us out here, Maestro." "You need to write out a check made to "cash"" "for $40,000." "Do you have enough money in your account to cover this?" "No." "That's fine." "Today's Saturday." "You have till Wednesday." "You okay, Maestro?" "Here;" "drink some water." "There you go." "Sing a good second half, all right?" "We're all counting on you." "You sound great out there." "Well, that was a disappointing second act." "What was wrong with him?" "Perhaps he did it on purpose." "Maybe it was his interpretation of the role." "lnterpretation?" "He looked like he didn't know where he was." "And his voice, oh!" "That was a terrible thing to say, you know." "What?" "About Stephen being all grown up." "You said it to hurt me, didn't you?" "Or did you forget I just happen to be his mother?" "Who are you calling?" "Stephen." "We're going to see him in two days." "And I haven't spoken to him in almost a week." "You'll pardon me, Jack, if I want to make sure everything's all right with my only son." "Ada, what are you afraid will happen?" "He lives in New York City!" "What am I afraid will happen?" "Your life isn't worth a stick of gum in that city." "I got it!" "Hello?" "Hi." "Good." "And you?" "Sure, sure, just a second." "Honey!" "Honey, it's your mother." "I'm in the shower." "Oh, he's in the shower." "No, no, no, nothing's wrong." "The hospital?" "Where do you get these ideas, Mrs. Torcelli?" "Yes, I read the papers." "No, that only happens to people who go jogging alone at night." "Stephen never goes jogging alone at night." "Murder capital of the world?" "No." "New York is much safer now." "Yes, I've heard of them." "Mrs. Torcelli, I wouldn't know where to find a crack house if I wanted to." "Yeah, business is going real well." "Yeah, really well." "Yeah." "We've been making a killing." "Mrs. Torcelli, yeah, I got another call coming through." "It's a customer." "Yeah, day and night." "You know, catering business, cutthroat." "All right." "Good-bye, Mrs. Torcelli." "I feel like an idiot every time I talk to her." "What's so idiotic about the idea of us running a catering company?" "Stephen, we can't cook." "Are we ever going to tell your parents what we do for a living?" "Danny, I don't think they could handle it." "Oh, they couldn't handle it or you couldn't handle them knowing?" "Hey, fellas." "Busy night." "Been a lot of that?" "is he in back?" "He's waiting for you." "I'll see you later." "Hey, Stephen." "Hey, Danny." "Good costume." "Looking good." "Hey." "How you doing, guys?" "Vito." "Vito, wake up." "You're here alone with your father." "You're supposed to be bodyguarding." "I am bodyguarding." "Do you realize what an honor it is to be trusted with your father's life?" "Does he know you're asleep?" "I wasn't asleep." "I can't believe you guys thought I was asleep." "Where's your brother?" "He's out front." "He's in the back sewing costumes again, isn't he?" "Frankie sewing costumes?" "Did he make Tania's new outfit?" "I don't know what" "Frankie." "You know what it does to your father when he sees you sewing;" "watch your head." "You're supposed to be managing the club." "I am." "I am managing the club." "Yeah?" "What about the drunk guy with the tattoos?" "Tattoos?" "Yeah, Leo and Eddie had to take him out." "What would your kids say if they saw you now?" "They'd be proud." "You know what this means." "Uh-huh.We said if we ever got engaged" "No, no." "Damon, we talked about this." "Talked about what?" "Damon." "It's time to tell our parents." "So... how did it go?" "Oh, my boys, my boys." "Did you pass Vito on the way in?" "Why aren't the two of you Sicilian?" "Then you could take over the family after I die." "We don't want to take over the family, Padrone." "He's a good son." "You have two good sons." "They love you." "4:00 in the morning." "Honey" "We have to get all the way to Indianapolis by tomorrow." "It's our first trip to see Stephen and Danny." "I want everything to be perfect." "Right." "All over, we're being chased out." "First the fish market, then the garbage trucks." "How are we going to make a living?" "It's almost like we're being forced into drugs." "Please, drugs." "You know how I feel about drugs." "It's easy for you, Victor." "It's never easy." "Do I look like a mushroom, Victor?" "Stop feeding me bullshit;" "You should pardon the expression." "You're exaggerating the difference between us." "As I said before, bullshit." "You should again pardon the expression." "I always say, "Stick with what you know." ""Stick with what works." "Stick with what's clean."" "The numbers, there's a clean business." "Unions, there's a clean business." "Prostitution, there's a clean business." "Oh, Damon, my boy." "I can't believe it." "Engaged." "What did you say her name was?" "I didn't." "It's Jenny." "Jenny Patrizzi." "is she pretty?" "Matt." "She's beautiful." "What did you say her family does?" "Dear?" "What does her father do?" "For a living." "Yoo-hoo!" "I don't know?" "Now, about the blue fish" "Blue fish." "And to drink?" "How do they grill that?" "It's in a mustard remoulade." "Doesn't it turn flaky?" "Well, how would you describe the consistency?" "It's somewhere between sole and tuna." "Oh." "That comes with avocado polenta." "How does that-- Vito." "I think Mr. Levine is hungry." "Okay." "I'll have..." "He'll have whatever he was talking about." "The blue fish." "He'll have the blue fish." "Okay." "Victor, the things you're up on." "Wireless this, internet that." "You're as old as I am." "Who taught you all that?" "It's the 21 st century, Marvin." "Got to look forward, not back." "You know what you are, Victor?" "You're a genius." "You're a goddamn genius." "Would you excuse me?" "I have to" "Vito, Mr. Levine is talking." "Well, he's just embarrassed to hear me talk about you like that." "You have to go to the bathroom?" "Yes." "All right, go, go." "What, are you crazy, Victor?" "Leaving you alone?" "He had to go." "Well, since when do you sit in public without a bodyguard?" "You don't see me letting my son go take a piss, do you?" "I'd make him pee in his pants right here." "Tell him; tell him." "Bodyguard?" "He's not my bodyguard." "Those are my bodyguards." "Those guys?" "Victor." "They're figureless." "Animals." "Those guys?" "You know what?" "They're tougher than they look." "Tougher than they look?" "Imagine." "Vito, you're supposed to be in the bathroom." "You left your father's table for this." "What would he say if he saw you?" "Let's go." "Do you even have to go to the bathroom?" "Please tell me you did." "Tell me you didn't lie to your father on purpose." "You're going to be Padrone one day." "What's the matter with you?" "So how did you guys meet?" "We were Army Rangers together." "This was before "don't ask, don't tell."" "We asked." "We told." "So what does this make Patrizzi?" "A fairy godfather?" "You have an upset stomach or something?" "No." "Old man, get in the car!" "Get the car--now!" "Must be Levine." "You go." "What about you?" "I'll stay with him;" "you go." "Hurry up, hurry up!" "You okay?" "Your job is, before they drive off with your father, you make them kill you first." "Okay?" "You know we'd love to come and visit you in New York, son, but I don't know if I'll have the time." "Of course he'll have the time, dear." "You'll make the time." "I just don't want to get his hopes up for nothing." "Nonsense." "Of course we'll go." "Of course we'll go." "Damon, darling, could we please talk more about this later?" "Sure, Mom." "Mom, Dad, I Iove you." "Oh, we love you too, son." "Oh, boy." "Alma, we can't go to New York." "New York's a stronghold of the occupation army." "That phone call was a sign." "But Damon isn't even in the movement." "A sign from the Lord." "Oh, god, Matt, I think it may finally be time." "Alma, in our lifetime?" "The days of the so-called federal so-called government are coming to an end." "Matt, it's time to attack." "But, Alma, New York." "I mean, I always thought the final struggle would begin in their capital." "No, in Washington, the enemy is strong." "In New York, they're weak." "Come." "The others are probably here." "I'm fine." "I can see you're fine, Papa." "I'm not worried about what happened today." "I'm worried about what could" "They weren't after me." "I feel better when Stephen and Danny are with you." "Why can't they be with you all the time?" "Because they're busy." "They run my whole operation." "Someone else can." "Who?" "Who someone?" "Vito and Frankie?" "Vito and Frankie." "Let's go play upstairs in the family room." "Why?" "Why are you always talking bad about your sons, Victor?" "And with their children sitting right here." "A soldier must inspire fear, Stella." "Vito and Frankie do not inspire fear." "Of course they inspire fear." "I'm afraid of them." "Everybody's afraid of them." "Stephen, Danny, tell him how afraid you are of Vito and Frankie." "The dancing girls at the club are not afraid of Vito and Frankie." "Stick to cooking." "My wife." "I beg her to let me get her a maid." "Why should you spend your whole day in the kitchen?" "Of course I spend my whole day in the kitchen." "I'm afraid to step out of the kitchen, because I'm afraid of Vito and Frankie." "I'm their mother, but still I'm afraid of them." "People are afraid of you if you are a killer." "Vito and Frankie are not killers." "Of course they're killers." "Who says they're not killers?" "What, because they haven't killed anyone?" "That's because you haven't asked them." "Vito!" "Vito, get in here." "Mama, this is-- l'm frightened just thinking about them." "Vito, your father wants you to kill someone." "She's crazy, Vito." "I'm not crazy;" "tell him, Victor." "Mama, what are you doing?" "Red wine instead of marsala?" "We talked about this." "The wine is going to overpower the veal." "I don't know what you're talk-- l don't know what he's talking about." "He's never talked about marsala with me." "Go back upstairs, please." "Go." "You hear me?" "Go." "Boys, tell my husband." "Tell him" "Mama, enough." "Don't try to put Stephen and Danny in the middle." "Maybe Vito and Frankie aren't cut out to go into the business." "Maybe they should do something else." "Vito is a talented cook and a baker." "And have you seen some of the clothes that Frankie has made?" "May God forgive you for what you're saying." "Frankie doesn't want to sew clothes." "Storia finita." "Of course he does!" "Sophie, didn't Frankie make you this blouse?" "Um... no, no, he bought it." "In a store." "Mommy!" "Mary, it's time to go home." "Ciao bella." "Ah!" "Don't worry about Vito and Frankie, Stella." "Before I die, they'll be ready to take their place in the business." "Stop talking about dying, Papa." "You see how upset it makes Stephen and Danny." "Besides, I've got something I want to tell you." "Mommy?" "Yes, sweetie?" "How come Uncle Danny and Uncle Stephen live together?" "Well, because they love each other like Mommy and Daddy love each other." "Which one's the mommy, and which one's the daddy?" "I'll have to get back to you on that one, honey." "Jenny." "Engaged?" "That's not a Sicilian name." "Papa, this is one of the reasons I didn't want to tell you." "He isn't Sicilian." "He isn't Italian." "He's not even Catholic." "He's an Episcopalian, and he comes from Wisconsin." "Not Sicilian?" "You never even mentioned him." "We both decided not to tell our parents until we were engaged." "Not Italian?" "What does he do, this Damon?" "He's an editor at Random House." "What's Episcopalian?" "Protestant, Stella." "He's not Catholic?" "Jenny, engaged?" "And what does his family do?" "They're good people." "From the heartland." "Soldiers!" "The planning stage is finally over." "The great day is finally upon us." "It is time to take action." "Sons and daughters of the colonists must rise up, rise up!" "Sit down, Matt." "The second American revolution will start in the city of bankers and lawyers and fleshpots and sex clubs." "They don't stand a chance!" "Hello." "Hello?" "Oh, hi, Mom." "What?" "I said, "Hi, Mom."" "You have to speak louder, it's very noisy here." "Sorry." "What is all that noise?" "That's why I'm calling." "Your father and I have decided to surprise you." "What?" "Well, let me put it this way:" "we're cruising comfortably at--what is it, Jack?" "29,000 feet." "Mom, are you on a plane?" "Guess where we're headed?" "Where?" "It's your father's birthday Saturday, so since he hasn't seen you in such a long time, we decided the perfect gift would be a trip to New York to visit you and Danny." "Can you pick us up at the airport?" "The John F. Kennedy airport at 2:30." "You know how nervous I am about New York, and to have to get into a taxi" "Stephen?" "I'm still here, Mom." "One more question." "Do you have any jobs Saturday?" "Jobs?" "Catering jobs." "Uh, no." "Since it's your father's birthday, wouldn't it be nice to give him a big dinner party?" "You know, invite all your friends." "That way, we can meet them and the people who work for you." "People who work for us?" "The cooks and bakers." "You know, the whole company." "Plus your father and I will get a chance to sample your cooking." "We're going to be so proud." "Mom?" "I don't think this is such a great idea, a whole big dinner like that." "Don't be silly;" "it'll be just the thing." "Your father's very excited about it." "Aren't you, dear?" "He's very excited." "I still do not understand." "What is the problem?" "Bruno, my parents don't know about us." "What, that you two are a couple?" "They think you share the same apartment and you don't sleep together?" "Oh, Stephen." "Your mother's a grown woman." "Don't be ridiculous;" "they know that." "They don't know what we do." "Oh, they think we run a catering business." "A catering business, how can that be?" "You can't even cook." "I keep hearing that." "If you hadn't agreed to the birthday party, you'd have nothing to worry about." "Do you have any idea how many weapons we have in our house?" "Don't take them in the rooms where you keep the stuff." "It's all the rooms." "Can't you put it all in one place for a few days?" "That's what the Branch Davidians did." "You think if they stayed in a hotel" "They are not staying in a hotel." "Would you just listen to me?" "You can hide the weapons." "You do it every time the police come by." "You can do it now." "So what about the dinner?" "Do what Mickey and Judy would have done." "Mickey?" "Rooney." "Judy?" "Garland." "Mickey and Judy?" "Miss Garland to you." "Mickey and Judy were never" "What did they do when they were in any fix?" "A surefire solution to all of life's problems." "They put on a show." "Aw." "Stephen, a big, elaborate ruse like this, it's just going to dig us deeper and deeper." "Danny, there's something you don't know." "It's about my father." "The fbi." "The fbi?" "I thought he was a carpet salesman." "That's what he tells people." "He's undercover, deep cover." "Spies, assassinations, I don't know." "But, Stephen, the fbi?" "What will people say?" "Now you see why we can't" "He's not a carpet salesman." "All this time." "We can't let him know." "We talked about carpeting together." "He'd have to turn us in." " SColor schemes." "He'd be consorting with known criminals." "Swatches." "We'd go to jail." "I thought he'd help us recarpet the living room." "Are you hearing one word I'm saying?" "You lived with this all this time." "Why didn't you tell me?" "He made me swear." "Even my mother doesn't know." "He only told me 'cause I found an Uzi hidden in the cellar." "TR-6 from '81 with a repeating device." "Cool." "I didn't believe him at first, so he showed me around the headquarters, which was outstanding." "You should see the stuff they have." "Cool;" "I still can't believe you didn't tell me." "Danny, I couldn't." "I told you-- l told you about" "What could you possibly have told me about that is any way comparable to this." "You know." "That you had a girlfriend in college?" "Well, that and" "The two of you had sex?" "Danny, Danny, if my father finds out about us, he'd have to turn us in." "Except you know he wouldn't;" "he'd turn in his own badge first." "Well, we can't let him do that." "Poor old guy." "Well, we'd have to quit the family, I mean really quit for good." "And you know what." "It'd break the Padrone's heart." "Without the family behind us" "We've stepped on so many toes." "Now those people are afraid of us, but if we ever leave the family... our lives wouldn't be worth a stick of gum, Danny." "Not a stick of gum." "Well, he has to be told." "We can't let him find out some other way." "Do you want me to tell him?" "Yes." "Okay, first of all, make sure he understands" "Papa!" "Stephen and Danny have something they want to tell you." "I'll get right to the point, Padrone." "It's about my--my parents." "Yes, how are they, Stephen?" "Good, good, they're good." "You know, I'd like to meet them." "When do you think that'll happen?" "Soon." "The thing is, Padrone, I haven't been totally honest with them." "Not honest?" "You might even say I've lied to them about certain aspects of my life." "My intentions were good, and I think I had good reason, but the fact remains that I lied." "And I now know, I truly believe that this was wrong." "Stephen, I know what you're getting at." "And I want you to know that although I think, you know, as a rule, children should never lie to their parents, I can understand what you did." "Really, Padrone?" "You know, I, of course, am very comfortable with your and Danny's relationship." "But then I'm a sophisticated man." "I live in a big city, whereas they're from... Indiana." "Um" "Your parents may need time." "Maybe they need to meet Danny and see what a wonderful thing you have together." "To tell you the truth" "Do you think it would help if I spoke to them?" "Padrone... I haven't told them about all of this." "I haven't told them about you." "He's hurt." "His feelings are hurt." "He understood." "If not, he wouldn't have okayed our plan." ""Our" plan?" "Jenny, you should-- Stephen." "You spend all your time taking care of us." "Now it's time for us to help you for a change." "It's just, I've never disappointed them before." "It's hard." "Pardon me." "But you make a beautiful couple." "Thank you." "Wish we didn't have to strip down like this." "They're going to want to hug us." "I feel naked." "I've already said you could bring your brass knuckles." "Want to take your ankle piece?" "Take your ankle piece." "I think you missed one, dear." "What?" "Oh, yeah." "Remember, Matt, every weapon we leave behind gives us one less weapon to fight the enemy." "Yeah." "Now, remember," " it's Don Patrizzi, not "mister."" "There's nothing to worry about." "If you want to worry, then worry about meeting and Stephen and Danny." "Why, you think they'll make a pass at me?" "No." "But they will kill you if they think you're not treating me right." "I thought we could go to the hotel first and drop off the bags." "Hotel?" "Mom, you're staying here." "Oh, we don't want you to feel cramped." "We're not going to feel cramped." "There's plenty of room." "How much room can there be in an apartment?" "It's not an apartment, Mom." "We have the whole house." "Oh, pardon me." "My!" "Look at this." "All this from catering?" "The funny thing is, I didn't know Stephen knew how to cook." "Look at these ceilings." "It's going to be hard to go back to our place, Jack, after this." "It'll seem so small." "Look at these floors." "Oh, and those windows!" "How do you keep the place warm in the winter?" "Well, I guess when you're young" "Oh, look at you!" "Oh, what a sweetheart." "Oh, do they really make you run up and down all these stairs?" "No wonder you're so skinny." "My god!" "How many soaps and lotions do you need to wash yourself every day?" "Well, you know, there's different products for day and evening." "You know, dry weather, rainy weather." "Sometimes your hair just gets oily for no reason at all, and" "You mean to tell me your hair needs both rosemary mint equalizing conditioning rinse and freeze and shine super spray?" "And what is this word, "jo-jo-ba"?" "Jojoba." "How do you keep track of all of this?" "Oh, it's alphabetized." "Alphabetized?" "Well, so it is." "Jack, did you hear?" "It's alphabetized." "I heard." "Please get up." "Oh, yes." "I haven't seen any closets." "Ah..." "My god!" "You have more clothes than I do, and I'm a woman." "Men can have a lot of clothes too, Mom." "So I see." "And, you know, Stephen's an autumn, and I'm a spring, so we really can't share anything." "They used to have dance marathons here in the '30s." "My father closed it up years ago." "I haven't been here since I was a little girl." "Wow, look at this." "These moldings, the columns." "The chandelier!" "is there anyplace else, Jenny?" "A better place than this for your banquet?" "You're kidding, right?" "Well, it looks like it could use a little work." "Well, we'll hire a decorator to spruce it up." "We'll get a professional chef." "The place has a great kitchen." "And how's this?" "We'll get the guys to serve the dinner." "You really think they'd do that?" "Stephen, trust me." "They love you." "They don't just work for you, they would die for you." "They'll certainly do this for you." "No way!" "I don't think so." "All right, all right, enough." "And after all that Stephen and Danny have done for you." "Eddie, who talked to your son's football coach when he wasn't letting your son play enough?" "Stephen and Danny." "How often does your son play now?" "Every game." "What?" "Every game." "And Leo." "Who made your daughter's boyfriend leave town and never come back?" "Stephen and Danny." "Who?" "Stephen and Danny." "Mm-hmm." "And you, Chuck." "Remember when that casino wouldn't give you credit anymore?" "Who went and had a pow-wow with the chief?" "Stephen and Danny." "How much credit do they give you now?" "10 grand." "How much?" "10 grand." "And may God forgive you all for not saying "yes" right away." "You know, it's not the cooking part that bothers me." "It's making believe we're gay." "Gay?" "Why gay?" "Come on, a catering company in Manhattan run by two gay guys?" "Stephen and Danny run the family." "We're not gay." "Yeah, but we're soldiers." "Here, we're talking about pastry chefs." "I can't do gay." "I think I could pull it off." "How am I supposed to do gay?" "Act like Stephen and Danny." "They act like the rest of us." "Well, they dress nicer." "They dance a little different too." "They're cuter." "I don't want to take any chances." "Jenny's mad enough at us already." "We're not going to take any chances." "We need an expert." "What?" "I think I know someone." "For those of you who haven't yet been acquainted, this is Mr. Grayson." "Good friend of Stephen and Danny's." "Some of youse may have seen him around the club." "Well, I think I've met some of you there." "Well, Ray I remember, of course." "And, let's see." "You were there." "And you were there.And you were there." "And you were there too." "Judy Garland." "The Wizard of Oz." "We've got a lot of work to do." "Jenny." "What is he doing here?" "You said you'd get a professional chef." "Vito's a chef." "Did it ever occur to you to stop being my father's slave and actually think for a minute?" "To my father, everything you touch turns to gold." "If he sees Vito pull this off, see Vito save the day for you and Danny, he'll look at him differently." "Maybe he'll actually start to respect him a little." "Would that be so bad?" "We're not doing this to your father, Jenny." "You'd be helping him." "Will you at least think about it?" "Okay." "Vito, did you hear?" "Stephen says it's okay!" "And Frankie will do up the room." "Frankie!" "What?" "Frankie, get in here!" "Frankie." "What are you doing here?" "Nothin'." "We're having a big party for 50 people, and you're going to decorate it." "You mean choose the color scheme, the fabrics, everything?" "Choose?" "We want you to make them." "Don't mess in my brain, Jenny." "No." "Vito, is this true?" "And I am cooking." "You're" "Yeah!" "It's good." "It's good." "Let's start with the basics." "97, 98, 99, 100." "Now, it's very important that you call feel some connection to gay history." "Mr. elton John." "Miss ellen degeneres." "Miss J. Edgar Hoover." "Some 17th-century queen." "Shirley Booth as Hazel." "Last but by no means least," "Wishbone." "Maybe if you had come to me first." "It is my sons we're talking about." "Papa, be reasonable." "Jenny, you heard your father." "As if they would even have time." "Vito will probably be out doing a contract on someone, and Frankie will be out stealing something." "Stella, maybe if Vito can cook for a party like this" "And leave the family business for good?" "They're not children anymore." "Then you need to start letting them do more in the business." "Papa's tried, Mama." "He's tried." "He's tried." "Basta!" "This is for Stephen and Danny." "We'll do it for them." "Come, Stella." "You'll buy a new dress, hmm?" "Frankie said he wanted to make you one." "You'll be the prettiest woman there." "And you know who I'll invite also?" "The senator." "The senator." "Mm-hmm." "Well, Victor, let's see." "I, uh" "Pete, are you there?" "Uh, it just isn't a good night." "Yeah, you see, I have this... thing." "is someone there with you, Pete?" "No, Victor." "Pete, I wonder how my father would handle this." "I think he would have said," ""Peter, do you know" ""what you are to me besides being my friend?" ""You're like a bank, a favor bank." "I put the favors in;" "I take the favors out."" "What do you think, Pete?" "Have I done favors for you?" "Yes, Victor, but" ""Now, what would you say if I put money in a bank," ""and when I tried to take it out, the banker told me I couldn't?"" "Well, l--of course, I would" "What happened to the money, Pete?" "Did it disappear?" "Did it get up and walk away?" "I mean, if the money isn't there, it's because someone stole it." ""The banker?" "The banker stole my money?"" "What do you think should happen to such a person, Pete?" "Well, I-I-I can't-- 8:00." "And don't be late." "8:00." "Yes, Victor, I look forward to it." "Right." "See you then." "Bye-bye." "I'm so glad the three of you are finally meeting." "Jenny, can we talk to you for a second?" "Do you ever think about anybody but yourself?" "What?" "You never told us anything about this relationship." "It's as if, mentally, you've already left." "You two, what am I going to do with you?" "And we don't know the first thing about him." "is he even nice to you?" "He's very nice to me." "You don't know what men are like." "She doesn't know what men are like." "But if he wants trouble" "We'll give him trouble." "Kill him." "I swear we'll kill him." "You think we're kidding?" "We'll mess him up." "And there's nothing you can say that will stop us." "Oh, you two." "We love you, Jenny." "Damon." "Congratulations." "Welcome to the family." "You've got to cancel, Senator." "You'll be crucified in the media." "Well, Jesus was crucified too." "Okay, but I'm going with you to that dinner." "Understood?" "Tim-- l am going with you to that dinner." "Hmm?" "Well, what did I tell you?" "Stephen and Danny, aren't they great?" "Yeah, they sure do talk." "Well, they do more than just talk." "What's the matter?" "It's just, this is all so new to me, this atmosphere of violence." "Well, good morning, you two." "Good morning, Mom." "Morning, boys." "Please don't feed him from the table, Mom." "I couId get used to having a maid around." "Please don't feed him from the table, Mom." "Monty, corner." "You two got in late last night." "We were working." "Till 3:00 in the morning?" "It was a big job." "You told us you didn't have any parties this week." "Well, this one came up at the last minute." "It was an emergency." "An emergency party?" "We should really get going." "What are you working on today?" "Oh, the usual." "Salads, stews." "Coffee." "Pomegranates." "You know." "Ooh!" "Stephen." "Who's there?" "Stephen, honey." "Mom, what is it?" "I have a question to ask you." "May I come in?" "I can hear you just fine." "Well, I can't hear you." "Can I come in?" "It's a mess in here." "Come downstairs." "We can't, Mom;" "we're in a hurry." "Of all the foolish" "We've got a" "Why is this door locked?" "Mom, we've got all our stuff in here." "It's kind of private." "Ada, can't this wait till later?" "I know what they must be doing." "At this hour?" "They said they had to leave." "That maid of theirs is with them." "We're not in Indiana anymore." "Two words, honey:" "puh-lease." "Two words, honey:" "please." "Two words, honey:" "puh-lease!" "Two words, honey:" "please?" "Ooh, ooh!" "Can I try?" "Yes, come on." "Two words, honey:" "puh-lease!" "Eggshell." "I said eggshell." "Does this look like eggshell to you?" "I can't make napkins from this." "Have you thought about that?" "I mean, you know how some gay men call each other "her. "" ""Forget her. " Her." ""Such a queen."" "What about lesbians?" "Do they use "him"?" ""Forget him. "" ""He's such a king."" "Richard, do you mind sitting next to Cynthia St. Charles?" "Or Freddie the Chin." "I'd rather drink ink." "Now, about that dinner." "I've got to go to a costume party first." "It's a benefit." "You're going to make it, aren't you?" "Well, I'll be late." "Figure around 1 0:00." "Well, don't be too late." "It's going to be a blast." "Glory, glory, hallelujah." "You sure you want to do this?" "Vito, we can handle it;" "we want to help, and we should know something about the food in case Stephen's parents ask about it." "Okay." "Okay." "Now, the most complicated part of the dinner is the dessert." "Ricotta cheesecake." "Now, I'm going to go see if the ricotta's here." "Meanwhile, you can start by heating this up." "Uh, Vito?" "Uh, just nuke it." "In the microwave." "Maybe it's this one:" ""meal reheat."" "I mean, they have to have heated it before they condensed it, right?" "Yeah." "Whoa, whoa." "Think we should put them in with the wrappers?" "Yeah, why not?" "Vito, are we supposed to put the cans in with the wrappers, without the wrappers, or doesn't it really make a difference?" "I bet it doesn't make a difference." "What?" "Thanks for doing this again," "Vito." "No, no, we're really sorry." "Hey, it's my fault." "Okay, next time, it's going to be different, cause we're totally psyched." "Psyched." "Great." "Okay, look." "I've been thinking about it, guys." "And you shouldn't waste your time on dessert." "I mean, after all, it's only dessert, right?" "You should work on the important stuff, like the goose liver pate." "Okay, now, you start by boiling the eggs." "Three minutes." "No, no, no." "Now, you see, this is why it was my fault." "You use this pan." "Now, you wait until the water is boiling, and then you take the eggs, and you add them." "Three minutes." "Now, after the eggs are boiled, you take the goose liver." "It's very expensive." "And then you mash it in with the eggs, okay?" "Boil the eggs" "And mash in the goose liver." "That's it." "So what do we use to do the mashing?" "Call me when you're done." "Ah, that's a good one." "How are you guys doing?" "Shh." "No problem." "Done?" "It's mashed." "Uh!" "?" "There he is, my boy!" "You made it." "When God is on your side, son..." "What?" "Nothing." "Dear, your father is tired after a long trip." "Who are all those people?" "People?" "What" "Hmm?" "Oh!" "Those people." "Well, that is" "That's our church group." "They wanted to see New York, and they were afraid they would get lost, so they followed us here." "And--not to worry." "They're staying in a hotel." "Well, hi!" "Okay." "Who was she married to in March 1953?" "Michael Wilding." "November 1975?" "Richard Burton." "First marriage or second?" "Second?" "Very good." "January 1952." "Nicky Hilton." "How could she be married to Nicky Hilton in 1952 when she divorced him in 1951 ?" "She wasn't married to anybody." "She was in between husbands." "Right." "Come on, Grayson." "That's a trick question." "That's not a trick question;" "that's basic material." "The dinner is tomorrow." "Now, pull yourselves together!" "So when do we get to meet her?" "Soon." "I didn't want to do too much at once." "Oh, well, honey, don't worry about us." "We want to see all the sights." "You know, Wall Street, Empire State Building," "City Hall." "All those big, beautiful government buildings." "Especially the government buildings." "Because we love the government." "So, anyway, a friend of mine invited me to one of her Straight Women Loving Other Straight Women meetings." "Cheryl!" "What?" "Cheryl." "What?" "Straight Women Loving" "Other Straight Women." "What the hell is that?" "Like us announcing we're straight men that love other straight men?" "But you and Stephen are gay." "I mean, this is straight women who love other straight women." "Okay." "At least it gets me out of the house." "You'll get out tomorrow for our dinner, right?" "Of course." "How are the preparations coming?" "Perfect." "...You can sing most anything..." "Do re mi fa so la ti do" "Oh, you won't be imposing." "Of course you'll come." "I don't even have anything to wear." "Yeah, sure you do, dear." "Remember, you brought that dress for the victory celebration." "Ooh." "You know, now that he mentions it, I do have a little something." "Oh, good." "And I can introduce you to Senator Bloomer." "Senator Bloomer?" "From New York." "A United States senator?" "Uh-huh." "Tell me, is he an important senator?" "And he's coming to your dinner?" "He's a friend of my father's." "What does your father do again?" "He's in catering He's a businessman." "Sorry?" "What?" "He's in the catering business." "It's his company that's catering the dinner." "Oh, there's one thing." "This employee of my father's whose parents are going to be there told them that it's actually his company, so if you meet them, don't let on, okay?" "Okay." "Can you keep a secret?" "Oh, I think we can." "I can't stand the idea of leaving him alone all night." "Honey, we'll be back in a few hours." "Jack, look at him." "How would you Iike it if I Ieft you alone for hours with nothing but a bowl of dog food?" "Ada, he's a dog." "Come on." "Oh, God, I can't believe it." "I thought you'd seen it already." "Yeah, but not like this." "Where's Frankie?" "We've been looking all over for him." "Oh, he couldn't handle it;" "he was too nervous." "I told him I'd call him later and tell him how everything looks." "Hi." "Those are Victor Patrizzi's gay lieutenants." "If they ask you for anything, the answer is "no. "" "Tim, look." "We're here." "You may not like it." "I may not like it much either." "But we're here, and I intend to have a good time." "So relax." "Oh!" "It's beautiful." "Did you ever have such a birthday party in your life, Jack?" "And look at all of you." "I always say everyone looks better in black tie." "You need something." "A carnation." "There should be a tray of carnations right here so all the men could have one." "WouIdn't that make everything even prettier?" "She wants carnations." "Find some." "Find some carnations." "Roger that." "Oh, Damon, dear, you look so handsome." "And Jenny." "What a pretty dress." "Stephen, Danny, these are Damon's parents." "How do you do?" "Stephen, Danny, nice to meet you." "So, is that senator here?" "Yeah." "He's right over there." "Would you like to meet him?" "Uh, no." "No, I just--l wanted to know where he was." "Right." "Shall we?" "Nice to meet you." "What do you think you're doing?" "Do you want to give us all away?" "Thank you." "Mom, Dad." "I just wanted to introduce you to Don--Mr." "Patrizzi." "Donald." "It's a pleasure." "Do you work for my son?" "Yes." "Yes, I do." "But Donald is a very distinguished member of the culinary community." "And we're very honored to have him on our staff." "Well, I can tell you've made an excellent impression on my son, Donald." "It always helps to get in good with the boss." "Oh!" "You do have carnations." "Red?" "White?" "What are the whites?" "We have Mont Monet, and we also have Mont Blanc." "No California whites?" "I just love California whites." "Whichever." "Find some California whites." "So there are 18 seconds to go." "Shaq gets the ball, drives the" "Ooh!" "I love basketball." "Yeah?" "Good, so do I." "My favorite player was Dennis Rodman." "Oh, Denn-is Rod-man." "Love to get my balls in his basket." "Sammy." "is something the matter?" "I'm fine." "But it looks like somebody around here needs to lose a little 'tude." "What's going on?" "is your tiara on crooked again?" "This is delicious." "What do you call this?" "Yes, Stephen." "What is it?" "What is the appetizer?" "A California white!" "Oh." "Spinach Orloff veloute." "Spinach Orloff veloute." "The appetizer." "It's spinach Orloff veloute." "Oh." "Well, it's lovely." "Fish...or veal, sir?" "I don't know;" "you choose." "What?" "You decide what to give me." "Oh, I know what I'd like to give you." "But it isn't on the menu." "Eddie." "Eddie!" "What are you doing?" "What do you mean?" "I mean what are you doing?" "Fish or veal, ma'am?" "Oh." "I hate making these decisions." "Oh, I know." "I mean, I like Judy." "But I like Liza too." "Why should I have to choose?" "Fish." "Oh, get over it, Mary." "Huh?" "Nice." "Isn't he wonderful?" "She." "Oh, you call them "she."" "I call all women "she."" "She's a woman?" "I thought she was a drag queen." "You know, a man dressed like a woman." "I know what a drag queen is, Mom." "Are we going to see any?" "I mean, just plain old women, I can see in Indiana." "Oh, well." "Maybe next time." "Find some drag queens." "Drag queens?" "Where are we going to find drag queens?" "Greenwich Village." "Everybody knows that." "Danny and I would like to thank you all for coming tonight." "And I want most of all to toast the birthday boy--person." "The best father that ever lived, my father, who made us promise not to sing him Happy Birthday." "But in his honor, Vito has-- has helped" "Danny and me bake him a cake." "To my father." "Buon compleanno." "Buon compleanno." "Ooh, excuse me." "Do you where we could find some drag queens around here?" "Come on." "Excuse me." "You know where we could find some drag queens?" "Girlfriend, if you have to ask." "I have never seen such a gorgeous cake." "How did you-- uh, uh, uh, you, I mean all of you." "Oh, my God!" "Look at what I've done." "I've ruined your beautiful cake." "Don't worry, Mama." "Don't worry." "But it was a work of art." "It was perfect." "Then you did the right thing." "We don't want to offend the gods." "In ancient Persia, whenever an artist created something, he would include a flaw on purpose, because only the gods are supposed to be perfect." "And so, today, we introduce a flaw into something that otherwise would be perfect, and we say it is so as not to offend the gods." "Mr. TorceIIi, a speech." "I'm going to go home and change this dress." "Okay, sweetheart." "Just a few words." "I'm not prepared for this." "Go ask him." "No, you go ask him." "Come on, Leo." "No, you ask him." "Can I help you, sir?" "Yeah, any drag queens around here?" "Sure." "There's a place two blocks down." "It's called Jacqueline's." "You can't miss it." "You have a good time, all right?" "Right." "To be honest, nothing could possibly prepare me for tonight." "It's been quite an evening, and I'll remember it for as long as" "Don't move!" "Put your hands up!" "Hands up!" "Mom?" "Dad?" "What's going on?" "You too, Damon, honey." "Put your hands up!" "Mrs. Jennings." "Now, let's not have any trouble here." "Now, just put the gun down." "Don't take another step!" "I will shoot;" "I swear it." "Nobody's going to shoot anybody." "We all know that." "Right, Damon?" "Right." "Okay, see?" "No guns." "Now, why don't you just take the two of us and let everyone else go." "Eat shit." "Mother!" "She never used language like that at home." "Cuff those two." "Sorry, dear." "Are you done yet, dear?" "Yes, yes, dear." "Thank you." "You are all prisoners of war in the second war for American independence!" "Our goal is to liberate our country from the occupying federal army, of which that man... is a high-ranking officer." "While in our custody, you will be treated humanely in accordance with the laws of the Geneva Convention." "In the meantime... we will submit a list of our demands to your government." "Now, do you see what we had to do to these two?" "That's because they're troublemakers." "Anybody else here a troublemaker?" "Anybody else need to be handcuffed?" "Okay, men!" "Round 'em up!" "Herd 'em in!" "Just like the pigs and heifers at home." "Let's go." "Does Danny always carry a gun?" "Catering business, very competitive." "What about the guys in the kitchen?" "Do you think" "Will you stop that?" "Stop it!" "Hands up, ladies, let's go." "All right, move it!" "Move it!" "Come on, Matt." "Come on.." "I want you to check out the video room." "Check out the video room." "Make sure it's ready." "Now, just settle down." "Settle down, nice and easy." "Nice and easy." "That's good." "What the hell kind of party is this?" "Oh!" "Stephen, drag queens." "Who are they?" "Bunch of big, ugly women." "They all just showed up." "You owe us big-time, white boys." "Come on, girls!" "Come on." "Hey, hey, what are you doing?" "Take it easy, Martin." "Did you arrange for there to be drag queens?" "Uh-uh." "Don't look at me." "Is the video ready?" "Okay, then." "Upsy daisy, Senator." "Let's skedaddle." "Just follow me." "Keep an eye on him!" "Great." "They have the senator." "Now what do we do?" "God, this is worse than a government party." "Would you watch what you're doing?" "I'm walking as fast as I can in these things." "I'm not used to cleats." "What is your name?" "Richard, be quiet." "These guys are serious." "Oh, they think they're all that, but they're all just cretins." "Do you hear me?" "Cretins!" "Richard, you need-- l need?" "I need?" "It's they who need something." "It starts with "p" and ends with "rozac."" "Shh!" "Great party." "Richard, even if our dinner hadn't-- why did you teach our men to act..." "Queenie." "Queenie." "Queenie?" "Queenie!" "Gods!" "The internalized homophobia you two carry around with you is so toxic." "It really isn't healthy." "I, at least, have some pride in myself." "I have dignity." "It's the costume I wore to the party." "I didn't change because I rushed over here." "I didn't want to miss one fun-filled minute." "Look what I won at the raffle." "They're autographed by all the Yankees." "Jealous." "12:30." "When I think of that poor dog all alone, wondering what's taking us so long, he must be in agony." "Damon?" "How long have your parents been leaders in the militia community?" "Don Patrizzi, I don't know what's wrong with them." "Whatever it is, it happened after I moved away." "They used to be the nicest, sweetest people." "I mean, when the Sicilian Rescue League asked them to take me, they said "yes" right away." "The what Rescue League?" "Sicilian." "You know, from Sicily." "My birth parents were killed there in the big earthquake when I was two, and the League brought me here." "And my parents adopted me." "I wasn't supposed to tell you that." "Jenny?" "Remember that... thing I wasn't supposed to talk to your parents about?" "So... you're Sicilian." "What do you think about what Richard said?" "You think we have internalized homophobia?" "I don't know." "Sometimes I wonder if maybe I need to do this kind of work, something really tough, you know, really manly to almost make up for being gay." "What about you?" "It was something we did together." "I saw how much you liked it, how happy you were." "I'm so sorry, Danny." "Why, Stephen?" "Why?" "If not for me, everything would be different." "Stephen, I'm happy." "I'm with you." "Come on;" "listen to me." "I'm happy." "Here he is!" "So the canary sang." "Here's your Benedict Arnold of the federal occupying army." "There you go." "Cover him, boys." "Are you all right?" "Yeah." "What'd they make you do in there?" "They made me read this statement, and they videotaped it." "They're going to send it to the police." "Did I tell you no talking?" "Get up!" "Get up!" "Get over there." "Just get over there!" "You know, once the police get that tape, there'll be 500 cops all over this place." "That's 500 fingers on 500 triggers." "All we need is one rookie to panic." "Let's end this." "She looked right at me and said," ""Just because somebody's dead doesn't mean they've changed."" "Richard, we need your balls." "I've wanted this for years, and now you ask me?" "Just give me the baseballs." "I've only got one left." "I gave the other one away." "Who'd you give it to?" "Him." "The senator's aide." "Do you think he's cute?" "You're cruising during a hostage situation?" "What is the matter with you?" "The really hot one is the one right there, baby." "Buns of steel." "Bruno." "What?" "We could all die tonight." "If they want to kill me, they're going to have to rape me first." "Something big is going down." "And someone better tell us what it is." "Saffron, go find out." "I don't want to go over there and get all disrespected." "What if he don't want to tell me?" "No one's going to disrespect you." "Now, take your ass on over there." "You don't want to have to make me go myself, do you?" "Stephen, look" "No, no, no, it's not a good time now." "Go away." "That Stephen guy was very disrespectful." "He told me to go away and leave him alone." "Miss Thing told you what?" "To go away and leave him alone." "Okay, do we all know what we're doing?" "Okay, let's do it." "is this going to work?" "Yeah, it's going to work, because we are going to grow old together." "Where're you going, sweetheart." "You're done, Mr. Jennings." "Danny!" "Are you all right?" "Dad." "Sir." "Stephen and I want you to know that we understand." "If you have a job to do" "Job?" "What job?" "I'm retired." "Remember?" "It's my birthday." "60, mandatory retirement if you're undercover." "Retired?" "What are you going to do?" "Actually, a carpet salesman for real." "A carpet salesman?" "I've had to learn a lot about it for my cover." "Really quite interesting." "Here I am." "Oh, hi, sweetheart." "Actually, I have some ideas for your place." "All right, officer." "All right." "This has been the worst day." "Worst day of my life." "You!" "You ruined my dinner!" "You ruined my revolution!" "Why did he say the dinner was ruined?" "I thought it was very good." "So did I." "To tell you the truth, Mr. Grayson, being gay was fun and all, but after a while..." "Yeah, I mean, after a while, I felt like I was the purple teletubby." "Oh, please." "As if a gay man would ever have a body like that." "Was he just calling me fat?" "Mom, Dad, all I ask is that you not make any judgments till you get to know the people we work for a little better." "Well, that Stella that I talked to seemed very nice." "So tell me, honestly, what surprised you more?" "Finding out about me and Stephen or finding out that your husband works for the fbi?" "Danny, I haven't" "Oh, God." "I'm so sorry." "Well, I just thought that" "Jack." "Stephen, why didn't you stop me?" "Did you really think" "I didn't know?" "How could I not know with that great big Uzi sitting in the cellar?" "Why would he say that to me?" "You think I'm fat?" "Girlfriend, if the pumps fit." "Bitch." "Damon." "We've been speaking with Don Patrizzi." "He's become very interested in you and your future role in the family." "Future role in the family?" "You're going to be spending a lot more time with Danny and me." "Gee, well, you know, thanks, guys, but I don't want to be a bother." "And, you know, I already have a job." "God, honey, you look exhausted." "Why don't you let my parents take you home?" "I'm going to stay here and finish things up with the boys, okay?" "Damon?" "Damon." "What are you doing?" "Remember what Bruno said?" "If something's perfect, you have to create a flaw so as not to offend the gods." "So as not to offend the gods." "Stephen?" "Danny!" "Good night!" "Good night, Mom." "Night, Dad." "Love you." "Wait a minute;" "the drag queens." "We didn't see any of them do their acts." "Stephen!" "Stephen!" "Subtitles by bigmim"