"Kenzo, if you keep sucking your thumb like that, you're going to end up with splayed and distorted teeth." " You're going to look like Shrek." " Cool." "Not cool." "You're nearly nine, and that's way too old to be sucking your thumb." "How old are you?" "Nearly 30." "That's too old to be sleeping with a teddy bear." "Hey, you just leave Mr Digsby out of this, OK?" "Tell you what." "If I give up sucking my thumb, will you give up Mr Digsby?" "Kenzo, that's not the same thing!" "You know, Mr Digsby, he's...he's like a part of me." "And my thumb isn't?" "OK, if you need me to set the example," "I'll give Mr Digsby up and you stop sucking your thumb." " Deal." " Deal." "Ugh." "Oh, good." "Janey, can you help me unpack this stuff?" "Sorry, Mum, I'm taking Kenzo shopping for a new blazer." "Mummy says that when she's buying dresses for herself." "Don't listen to him." "I'm a great, sensitive, caring mother." "Ooh, could I take those chicken kievs?" "I've got to feed the kid tonight." "What?" "You'll have less to put away." "Come on." "Oh, Ben." "I need some help here." "I've had a horrible morning." "I had to park miles away from the supermarket." "And when I finally made it to the store," "I had to turn around again and re-park the car." "Ben, are you listening?" " (SHOUTS) Susan!" " Oh!" "Susan." "I don't belie..." "This is a miracle, a miracle." "I'm getting money from the council." "Look, cheques." "Let me see." "These are benefit cheques." " They think you're disabled." " I know." " Mentally?" " No, physically." " But that's crazy." " I know." " You'll just have to give them back." " No, I don't." " What?" " How do we know they've made a mistake?" "Well, we know because you're not disabled." "I have a weak shoulder." "I have a distressed toenail, but I'm not taking £384 off the taxpayer for it." "Karma works in very funny ways, Susan." "Perhaps this money is coming to me for being a good person." "The kind of good person that steals from the disabled?" "You have a horrible negativity about you sometimes that really brings people down." "Well, I'm sure I'll cheer up once you're incarcerated for fraud." "Oh, fine, fine, I'll give the money back." "Good." "I sometimes wonder whose side you're on." "Well, we're always facing each other." "What's that tell you?" "RECORDED VOICE:" "Desk number three, please." "What is the point of having an announcement telling people which desk to go to when you're the only person working here?" "Did you come in here specifically to ask that, sir?" " No, but it's a fair point." " Is that your question, then?" "I'm allowed only one?" "!" "What is this, Middle Earth?" "We're allowed to spend only five minutes per customer, sir, and there's a queue behind you, so I suggest you get on with it." "I'm actually here to do you people a favour." "I'm getting disability cheques and I'm not disabled." "Is your name Ben Harper?" "Yes." "And you live at this address?" "Yes." "Ah, it says you're in a wheelchair." "Well, clearly I'm not in a wheelchair, am I?" "But the records have you down as disabled, Mr Harper." "Well, I suggest you set your records straight." "You're going to have to put your request in writing." "What do you mean "put it in writing"?" "I walked in here, for God's sake." "You saw..." " Use your eyes!" " Sir..." "Sir, how would you like me to prove to you that I am not disabled?" "Will this do?" "Or this?" "Or perhaps even this." "OK?" "You're going to have to step aside now, Mr Harper." "There are other people I need to help." "Desk number three, please." "Well, perhaps this'll convince you that I'm not disabled." "(BEN SINGS:" "The Sailor's Hornpipe)" "Mr Harper, if you don't leave now, I'm going to call the police." "And tell them what?" "That a paralysed man is aggressively hornpiping?" "Mr Harper, I will arrange for someone to come to your house and re-evaluate your case, if that will make you happy." "Now, please." "I'm sorry, you, sir, you are a disgrace - a disgrace to this council." "A disgrace." "Desk number three, please." "What are you grinning about?" "It's really disconcerting." "I'm smiling because I'm thinking how happy you're going to be with me when you see your present." "Putting sealant round the bath does not qualify as a present." "OK." "(HE WHISTLES)" "Take a look." "Oh, Ben, they are gorgeous!" "Yes." "And they're full price." "I didn't just fish them out the sales bucket like last time." " No, I can tell." "Both feet match." " Yeah." "Oh, Ben!" "They are beautiful, beautiful, beautiful." "But my birthday's not till next month." "It is?" "Oh, it is, yes, that's right." "Well, I know I'm a little early, but, you know, I just wanted to say..." "I love you." "Oh, Ben, that is so sweet." " What are you up to?" " What?" "I know you, Ben Harper, and in all the years we've been married, you have never bought me anything just to say you love me." "I don't know what you mean." "You're buttering me up for something." "Now, what is it?" "OK, look, I went back to the council offices, you know, to take the cheques back, and, er...they didn't want them." "So I cashed them." " Didn't you tell them it was a mistake?" " Yeah, but they wouldn't listen!" "So I used the money to pay for my time, my petrol fare, your shoes," " and a cactus in a snow globe." " A what?" "Look!" "It's got a sombrero." "(SNOW GLOBE PLAYS:" "The Mexican Hat Dance)" "Hey-hey!" "What?" "You are truly reprehensible." "If you don't go back to the council tomorrow and set the record straight," "I'm going to turn you in myself." "Oh, well, thank you for your support(!" ")" "Well, don't worry, they're sending someone round tomorrow to clear the matter up." "Well...you still shouldn't have cashed the cheques." " You're morally bankrupt." " All right, don't go on about it." "I'll give the money back and I'll take your shoes back tomorrow." "Well, I should hope so." " Good night." " Yeah, yeah." "Good night." " I love you." " I love you, too." "I wasn't talking to you." "This is going to taste really bad so you won't suck your thumb." "Don't you trust me?" "It's for your own good." "And you should know that Mr Digsby has gone away and is no longer a part of my life." "I know." "What do you mean, you know?" "I took him." "You what?" "Where is he?" "What have you done with him?" "Don't worry, he's safe." " You can't do this." " It's for your own good." "You must have shaken it too hard." "Look, sombreros don't just fall off cactuses." "Actually, it's cacti." "Shut up." "I was going to leave you this in my will, you know." "It was a kind of Harper family heirloom." "You've ruined it now." "As tragic as that is, I'd be perfectly happy just to inherit the house." "How can you look after a house?" "You can't even look after a novelty cacti!" "Actually, it's cactus - singular." "Shut up." "Get me some glue so I can stick his sombrero back on." "How are you going to do that?" "We'll have to take it apart." "Here you are, just hold that plastic..." "Pull the plastic." "No, just..." "Great, Mikey, thanks for your help(!" ")" "(DOORBELL RINGS)" "Well, that'll be the door." "Answer it." "I don't actually live here any more." "Well, you can leave when you've done it." "I'm looking for Ben Harper." "Is he in?" "He's the lazy git over there on the sofa." "Oh." "And you are?" "I'm his son, the unpaid slave." "Get me a towel, Mikey." "Get it yourself." "I'm leaving." "Mr Harper?" "Yes?" "Hello." "Oh, sorry..." "No, I won't get up." "I've had an accident." "Oh, it's fine, I quite understand." "Rosemary Matthews, social welfare." "Oh, God." "Yes, right." "Does your son usually speak to you like that?" "Only on good days." "How sad for you." "I've come to reassess your case." "Yes, about that..." "And I notice straight away that this house is drastically under-equipped for your needs." "Look, I think I should explain, you see..." "Are you all alone?" "No, no, no, my wife's upstairs, but she pretty much leaves me to it." "I see." "Now, I understand that you've cashed the first two cheques." "Yes, about that..." "I think I should explain..." "Good." "And I hope you've used the money to get yourself some help." "Yes, look, I think I really should explain." "You see, I'm not really disabled." "Of course you're not." "We don't use that word either." "You have mobility issues." "Yes, but, er, Rosemary..." "I'm here to protect you from neglect and exploitation." "And that's why I've made it my mission to prosecute benefit frauds." "Once I catch them, I don't let go until they're behind bars." "Good, good." "And the reason I do it is for people like you, Ben." " Yes?" " People who are..." "Oh, I'm sorry." "...genuinely suffering." "Look, I think I'd better tell you." "See, I..." "I don't need help." "Ben please... let me in." "OK." "Now, I don't seem to locate the paperwork on your accident." "Perhaps you could tell me about it." "Yes, I think I ought to..." "Ah, is that the time?" "Really, must be going, I'm late for work as it is." "Oh, are you still working?" "What do you do?" "I'm a dentist." "Oh, how wonderful." "What a courageous man you are, going back to work so soon after the accident." "Is this your wife?" "Yes." "Oh, I'm sorry." "I didn't realise we had company." "Rosemary Matthews, social welfare." " I'm Sus..." " I know who you are." "Could I have a word?" "How can you just leave him like that?" "Well, he never wants to do anything." "He can't be bothered." "Bothered?" "What if something happened to him?" "Well, if it was really important, he'd drag his lazy arse off the sofa." "Look, he likes it this way." "He has the remote." "Although sometimes I take the batteries out, just to mess with his head." "He's told you he's fine, right?" "Oh, yes." "That's what he said." "Well, I'm glad we've cleared that up." "Well, I have to run." "Bye." "You're not just leaving him?" "Oh, I have a life too, you know." "I am so sorry." "I had no idea." "Oh..." "Give me a couple of hours." "I'm going to get you fixed up." "I'm going to make you safe, Ben." "Oh, thank you." "No, thank you, for being such an inspiration." "I'm going to start on the paperwork." "Rosemary, before you go, I think there's something I'd better...tell you." "It's kind of important." "You see, I'm not able to reach the remote." "(WHISPERS) Thank you." "(HONKING)" "(HONK)" "What the hell are you doing?" "I know what you're thinking." ""He's gone a little over the top with the flag." But I couldn't help it." "Couldn't resist it, Susan." " You're pretending you need a wheelchair?" " I have to." "Why?" "I thought you sorted this out." "No, no, no, they wouldn't listen." "I've got to try and convince Rosemary that I'm disabled, otherwise she's going to send me to prison." "You'll never get away with it." "Not me." "We." "What?" "Yes, Susan." "Your shoes have cost me my legs." "I'm sorry, darling, we're in this together and all the way." "Oh, no." "I won't live with a liar, Ben." "If you won't sort this out, then I will." "OK, fine, OK." "Have it your way." "But before you do that, just have a little look... at this." "It's a disabled parking badge." "Yes, it is, Susan." "You just think, no more pay-and-display, no more long walks to the shops, no more circling the car parks for a space." "Do you want to hold it?" "May I?" "I mean...you tried to give the money back, didn't you?" "I did, didn't I?" "But they wouldn't let you." "They wouldn't..." "Keep talking, Susan, keep talking." "In a way, we're innocent." "Bureaucracy is the real criminal here." "That's right, Susan, that's right." "We didn't do any wrong, did we?" "If this is wrong, maybe I don't want to be right." "And we won't have to cash any more cheques, Susan." "Of course not." "We could just keep the badge." "They'll never find out." "Damn straight." "This is pure dynamite, baby, and it's all ours." "Let's celebrate." "Let's go out to dinner!" "Yeah!" "I'm suddenly ravenous!" "I want steak." " Raw!" " (LAUGHS)" "Oh, baby!" "Let's go somewhere really hard to park." "Yeah!" "Like, er, Chez Maurice." " Oh, perfect." " Oh, baby!" "Oh, Ben, I've never felt so alive." "Oh, it's intoxicating, isn't it?" "Oh, I can't feel my legs." "Oh, that's really good." "That's really good, really convincing." "(SHE GIGGLES)" "No, I'm serious." "You're cutting off my circulation." "Oh, I'm so sorry." "Looking for something?" "Oh, you scared me." "I was just checking to see that you have everything you need for school." " Thanks, Mummy." " That's what mothers are for." "Wait!" "Ah-ha!" "I mean... a hat!" "Good." "Don't want you catching a cold." "You have serious issues." " Right, I think we're there." " Yes." "We've lowered the handle on the fridge door, so you can open it from the chair." "Oh, lovely." "And we've equipped the bathroom with safety rails so you can slide into the bath without moving a muscle." "It's like a dream come true." "And I've arranged for a physio to come round on Wednesdays to give you some deep tissue massage." " Well, there's really no need." " She can be here at five." "She?" "I'll be ready." "And did any of the clubs in the newsletter tickle your fancy?" "Actually, yes, I did wonder if there were any places left on the free awayday to Bruges." " I'll stick your name down." " Oh, lovely." "Marvellous city, Bruges." "Not just for the beer, but also for the lace." "Oh, Rosemary." "How...how lovely to see you again." "Hello, Mrs Harper." "I do hope Ben has offered you a drink." "Actually, I'm just going." "Oh, what a shame." "I'll pop round tomorrow and..." " Ow!" " Are you all right?" "I'm so sorry." "It's my tooth." "I chipped it last week and haven't had time to get it checked." "I should come round to your surgery." "No, no, I wouldn't do that, because... well, I'm not very good." "Now, Ben, remember our affirmation?" ""I, Ben Harper..."" ""..." "Have a sound and confident mind."" "Good." "So could you squeeze me in tomorrow?" " Oh, dear." "Er, let me think, um..." " Of course he can." "No." "Wonderful!" "I'll pop in to the surgery tomorrow." " Goodbye, Ben." " Bye!" "Goodbye, Mrs Harper." "What the hell have you gone and done?" "You've only invited her to the place where I work, and walk!" "I don't know!" "I just..." "I just panicked." "It's all right." "We'll be fine, as long as we keep our heads." "No, we won't." "It's too late, it's too late, I tell you." "She's on to us!" "We're going to have to go on the run." "Assume new identities." " Oh, Ben, what are we going to do?" " Get a hold of yourself, woman!" "I'm sorry, I'm just scared." "Maybe we should turn ourselves in." "Hey, this is crazy talk!" "You're wearing your guilt on your feet." "Oh, a curse on these treacherous but beautiful kitten heels." "Let's face it, baby, we're on a runaway train heading fast out of town, and the only way to keep going is to keep stoking that engine, or it's a one-way ticket to the clanger for the both of us." "I haven't a clue what you just said." "Me neither." "Still looking for something?" "Don't you worry, just turn the light off and go back to sleep." "Are you looking for your teddy bear?" "Yeah." "No." "Yes." "Look, Kenzo, fine, I can't sleep." "I need that bear." "Not gonna happen." "Listen." "My grandma, your great-grandma, made Mr Digsby for me, and I was completely devoted to him." "Everywhere I went, he went." "So imagine how I felt when one day I accidentally left him on top of Auntie Maureen's car and she drove away." "I ran after that car as fast as my little legs could carry me with tears streaming down my face." "Six miles I ran, before I finally gave up." "But amazingly, Mr Digsby hung on all the way back to her house in Aberdeen." "And when I got him back," "I swore I'd never let him out of my sight again." "I'm sorry, Mummy." "Here, take him back." "Thank you." "Hah, sucker!" "Hah, sucker!" "Hello?" " Oh, my..." " Ben!" "Why must these legs betray me?" " You poor dear!" " I know, it's..." "They always let me down when I least expect it." " Shall I help you to your chair?" " Yes, please, that would be lovely." "If you could push me over there I'd be really grateful." "Ups-a-daisy." "Yes, here we go." "Ha-ha!" "I didn't mean to startle you." "There was no-one at reception and..." "It's all right, Rosemary, just relax." "You're here now and in safe hands, so if you'd like to take a seat, I'll have a little look." "Oh, please, take off your coat." "Sorry, my receptionist is running a little late." "Oh, and your bag, of course." "Very good." "Now please sit down and relax." "I'm sorry to make you do this at such short notice, but I have a court appearance this afternoon." "A couple of benefit cheats - husband and wife." "Sorry." "What sort of sick individual steals from the disabled?" " Huh!" " Yes." "Terrible ones." "Actually, Ben, before we get started, there's something I wanted to talk to you about." "I think you'd betterjust sit down, relax, and let me get on with what I do best." "OK, so let me..." " (CRASH!" ")" " Oooh!" "Oh, fun, fun, fun." "Here we go." "Just relax and let me have a little look." " Ow!" " Ah, is that the one?" "Mm-hm, yeah, I see the culprit." "Ah, yes, yeah, yeah." "OK, just relax and I'll get you fixed up in no time at all." "OK?" "Coming back." "Sorry." "# Whoop-de-doo-de-doo... #" "(HE HUMS)" "Right, here we go, then." " Ben, before we get going..." " Yes?" " I just wanted to tell you..." " Yeah?" "I've put you forward for an award." "An award?" "There's a local disability award open to people who have made a significant contribution to the community, and you've been short-listed." "Really?" "Short-listed?" "That's very flattering, but Rosemary, you see, I, er..." "I don't really consider myself as having a disability." "Ben, this isn't about the chair, it's about the man." "What I see in you is the triumph of spirit over adversity." "You're a gutsy guy who wants to get things done, aren't you?" "I..." "I am, yes." "Well, are you going to sit there and tell me that that beautiful, generous soul doesn't deserve some recognition?" " No, I'm not." " Well, then, get your best suit out, Ben, because you have a ceremony to go to." "Yes, ma'am, I do." "Our nominees this year are all winners." "They've all overcome great adversity to become a vibrant part of the disabled community," " as well as showing great strength..." " Susan." "Susan!" " What?" " I can't go through with this, I'm sorry." "Sorry, I can't do it." "SPEAKER:" "Choosing a winner has been an extremely difficult process." "Ben, what are you doing?" "I've got to tell them the truth, Susan." "No, you can't." "We just have to keep our nerve." "I can't take this any longer!" "I'm in too deep!" "Eyes are watching me!" "Walls have ears!" "Clocks are ticking even faster!" "Ow!" "Sorry." "There was a fly on him." "And the winner is..." "Ben Harper!" "Ben!" "You've won!" "What am I going to do?" "Go up and collect your prize." "OK." "Yeah." "(HE MOUTHS)" " Stop!" "Impostor!" " (AUDIENCE GASPS)" "That man has been stealing my benefit money!" "I'm the real Ben Harper." "This man's a fake." "(GASPS)" "How could you steal from me?" "How could you do that?" "Yes, you're quite right, and the thing is, it's all a big mistake." "My wife, Susan, you see, she really wanted this very expensive pair of shoes." " I told him to give the money back!" " (DISGUSTED GASPS)" "I knew it!" "I hate you, other Ben Harper." "You've been getting all the breaks that I didn't get." "I know, and this is terrible, but if you'll give me this opportunity of saying how sorry I am..." "It's too late for that now." "I'm going to kill you." "Really, you understand, I..." "Susan, look!" "I can walk!" "It's a miracle." "Wow!" "And look, everyone!" "I can run!" "You despicable man!" "I'm not going to Bruges, am I?" "And, er... this cheque is for the original money plus the fine." "Hope there's no hard feelings." "You're lucky you attempted to return the money, otherwise you'd be facing a prison sentence." "Well, thanks for stopping by." "Sorry for the inconvenience." "It will never happen again." "What?" "Like cashing cheques that weren't yours, getting me to renovate your house, pretending your husband couldn't walk, and collecting awards you hadn't won?" "Yeah, that." "Goodbye." "Oh, Mrs Harper, one last thing." "The disabled parking permit?" "Oh, didn't you get that?" "I thought one of your colleagues might have taken it already." "No." "Oh." "(DOOR SLAMS)" "They haven't taken all the bathroom fittings yet." "I could lower you very slowly into a tub." "Or...we could go to Chez Maurice." "What?" "I gave her the packet but not the badge." " Susan, you clever woman!" " Thank you!" "Chez Maurice?" "Yeah, let's celebrate!" "Oh, wow, come on, let's go..." "Oh, yes, you forgot this." "Bye."