"Episode 5x03 :" "The Christ Nail" "How do those feel to you ?" "Well, they feel pretty good." "I kinda like these orthotics." "Yeah, they're really going to help." "Boy, they sure make a lot of noise." "They take a while to work in." "Ah, Jesús !" "How are you ?" " Everything okay ?" " Si." "Yeah ?" "You seem a little down." "No, I.." "I okay." " You okay ?" " Si." "Can you do me a favor ?" "Small favor, okay ?" "Small favor... it's hardly even a favor." "You work here, actually, so it's part of your job." "Either way, it's still a favor." "Okay." "So I got, uh... see this thing ?" "It's a mezuzah." "Got that ?" "And I need you to put it over the door here." "This is like a jewish thing." "You know, we put it over the door so every anti-semite in the neighborhood will know that we live here in case they wanna burn down the house." "Anyway, you just need a nail." "Get a nail, hammer and a nail," " put it up." " Si, mezuzah." "Yeah, mezuzah." "I don't..." "I don't know what it does, really." "But anyway, because my father's coming to visit, he'll be upset if he doesn't see it up there." "He's a little hard-of-hearing, so when you talk to him, talk loud." "He's losing his hearing." " Okay ?" " Okay." "So you just speak up a little bit" ""Hello, hello !" You know." " "Hello !" "Hello !"" " Yeah, "How do you feel, Mr. David ?"" ""How do you feel, Mr. David ?"" "That's good." "That's good, Jesús." "By the way, Jesús..." "Jesus... either one ?" "Either one, si." "It's okay." " Same thing." " Si." "Okay, okay." " I do mezuzah." " Okay, great." "What happened to your leg ?" "It hurts on the bottom of my feet." "I have the exact same thing !" "Do you want your life changed, Jesus ?" "Huh ?" "Okay." "See this ?" "It's called an orthotic." "Just put 'em in the bottom of your shoe, and that's it." " No no no, I do the mezuzah" "Try them on !" "Tell him, Maria." "Honey..." "What could it hurt ?" "It make you feel better." " Okay." " All right, okay, there you go." " Okay." " It's a good idea." "Gracias, Mr. Larry." " De nada." " Thank you." "De nada." "De naaadaaa." " What is that noise ?" " I don't know." " Hey." " Is that you ?" " What ?" " What's that noise ?" "Oh, the orthotics." " What ?" " Loud !" "Well, you gotta break'em in." "It takes a little time." "They're really loud." "Well, they're very good for my feet, I could tell you that." " My feet feel a lot better." " That's good." "Let me ask you something :" "Why is it that before you have a meal, you do the whole cross thing, but not for snack." "I don't think it applies to snacks." "I guess, otherwise you'd be crossing all day long." "There's gotta be a maximum number of times somebody can cross in a day." "Uh, I wonder what the record is." "Have you ever seen any crossing on a snack, ever ?" " I don't think so." " Excuse me." "I'm gonna be on the lookout for people who cross before snacking." " What's that ?" " This ?" "This is a nail." "I bought this on the internet." "It's from "The Passion of the Christ"." " What, are you kidding ?" " No." " Kind of interesting..." " You got one of those Christ nails from the movie ?" "Have you seen it ?" "I didn't see it." " All right, you must..." " I missed "Passion of the Christ"." " We have it on dvd, we can send it to you." " Wish I could have gone." "They have all kinds of things in the internet for "The Passion of the Christ"." "You're nuts about this Jesus guy, aren't you ?" "Well, I have a personal relationship with Christ." " Really ?" " Kinda... yeah." "I can see worshipping Jesus if he were a girl." "Like if god had a daughter..." "Jane." "I'll worship a Jane." " No." " But, you know, to worship a guy... it's like a little kinda, you know, it's a little gay, isn't it ?" " Okay." " The son of god !" "What's the matter with you ?" "No, I'm just saying." "A girl..." "I would worship Jane... if he had a daughter Jane," " I could have a relationship with a Jane." " He didn't have a daughter !" "It's a shame it wasn't a girl." "That's all I have to say." "Good-looking woman, zaftig, you know ?" " Good sense of humor." " That's fine." " If he had a daughter, everybody..." " We got it." " everybody would worship Jane." " Stop it." "That's all I'm saying." " Larry ?" " What ?" "What are you doing ?" "What ?" "Nothing." "I was... your bra was kind of... it was about to fall off and I was..." "I was putting it back on." "All right, and..." "I felt like you were looking at... my size." "I... well..." "I didn't deliberately set out to look at the size, but I was..." "I had the bra in my hand, and it's kind of like, you know, if you have a driver's license you check out the date of birth." "That's all." " Okay." " I checked it out." "And what'd you think ?" "Yeah...." "Okay, it was good." "Well, while we're on the subject," "I think we're gonna have to let Maria go." " I cannot..." " Really ?" "stand to watch her clean room to room without a bra." "It's very distracting." "I know, but that's a big move." "You know, why don't you just tell her to put a bra on ?" "I'm not gonna have that conversation with someone." "I would rather just get rid of her." " We'll find somebody else." " Really ?" "First of all, she makes the best chicken salad." "I would really miss that." "Well, Larry, then you're gonna have to tell her to wear a bra or fire her." " If I see..." " All right, I'll..." "I'll tell her." " I'll tell her to put the bra on." " Okay." "I'll talk to her." "I'll talk to her, no problem." " All right." "I got it." " You done with this ?" " Yeah, I am." " You done ?" "Oh hi, I thought you were Jesús !" "Jesús !" "No kidding." "Yeah, his shoes sound like your shoes." " Yeah ?" " Yeah, they're very loud." "They make a lot of noise." "You gotta break them in." "Yeah, but his feet feel really good." " They're better ?" " Si, yeah." " Fantastic !" " Yeah, thank you." " That's unbelievable." " It's good." " They fit and everything ?" " Mm-hmm !" " Is he happy ?" " Yes." "'Cause you know, between you and me, he could be quite a downer this guy, this Jesús." "Yes, I know." "He's good." " Maria ?" " Yeah ?" "I got a little thing I need to talk about with you." "Okay." "Cheryl and I were having a conversation the other night." "Well, last night, actually." "You know, we couldn't help but notice that, uh, you don't wear a, uh... bra." " Oh, no." "Don't like 'em." "Not for me." " Not for you ?" " No." "Because, you know I got my father-in-law here." " They're kind of distracting." " Distracting ?" "Yeah, a lot of flopping going on." " No, they don't flop..." " There's flopping' !" "Don't like the support things, they're uncomfortable." "I haven't worn one in 15 years." "They've made some great technological advances in bras in 15 years." "They're inviting and cozy and cottony." "What do you call that cotton ?" "Puma ?" "That's a sneaker." "All right... pima !" "Pima !" "No, I don't like 'em." "You don't like 'em." "All right, I'll tell you what I'm gonna do for you." "I'm gonna buy you a bra, how about that ?" "I'll buy you one, you'll try it, you'll put it on, you'll see... you'll see what I'm talking about." "My treat." " Okay, I'll try it." " You'll try it !" "I'll just try it on and just..." "let's see." "I'm gonna get you a bra." "Where are you ?" "I'm in the kitchen." "What the hell is that ?" "Oh, my orthotics." "What's the story with that ?" "Well, I got these new orthotics, you know..." " Is it always gonna sound that way ?" " No, no, you need to break 'em in." " Okay..." " But my foot... !" " Good night, nurse." " Really ?" " Yeah." " How about that ?" "Congratulations." "Thank you." "Thank you." " Beer ?" " Hmmm." "Maybe later." "All right, well, if you want one, I haven't been able to find my can opener." "I'm telling you something." "I got a housekeeper who steals." " Really ?" " Oh yeah." "So it's just a can opener, you might not think it's much." "But everything I look for, gone !" " Why don't you fire her ?" " 'Cause I don't know for sure." "But I'm pretty sure." "Gee, I hate to hear that." "I know, it's horrible." "Of course, my housekeeper, I had to tell her to wear a bra." "You had to tell your housekeeper to wear a bra ?" "I am buying her !" "I have to buy her a bra." "I just don't know what size she is." "Honey..." " Sammi's last tooth finally fell out." " Oh, great, great !" "Look at that, huh ?" "Yeah, tooth fairy'll be coming tonight." "What ?" "Wait a second, what is this ?" "What, tooth fairy." " Tooth fairy ?" " Yeah." "What, are you kidding ?" "She's like 11 years old." "It's none of your god damn business, Larry." "Her tooth falls out, we stick it under her pillow." "Tooth f..." "She still..." "She still believes in the tooth fairy ?" "Yes, she still believes in the tooth fairy." "What's the matter with that ?" " Really ?" " Yeah." "Jesus Christ, I'm shocked." "What's so shocking ?" "You don't understand children." "You don't know child psychology, and what they believe and don't believe." " I guess I don't." " No !" "I knew there was no tooth fairy even before my teeth fell out." "Really ?" "Well maybe that's what your problem is." "Maybe if you had a little faith or belief in something, you wouldn't have ended up the way you did, you know ?" "What are you looking at ?" "What ?" "No, nothing." "All right." "Thanks for your help." "Yeah, my pleasure." " It's always something." " Do me a favor ?" "For the rest of the night, just leave us alone." " Fine, my pleasure." " Thank you." " You know what ?" " What ?" "I think she's about the same size as Maria, my housekeeper." " Really ?" " Yeah." " You know what size she is ?" " No." "I can find out." " Would you ?" " Sure." " Thank you, thank you." " Do you know what Cheryl's size is ?" "I just found out, and I gotta tell you something." " A little disappointed." " Really ?" " Yeah !" " What, "B" cup ?" " I'd rather not say." " "C" ?" " I can't, you know..." "I can't." " 32 ?" "34 ?" " I don't want to talk about it." " Come on." "I don't want to talk about it." " Come on !" " No !" "I'd rather not." "I'm giving you Susie's bra size, give me Cheryl's bra size." "It's a trade." " I can't, I don't want to." " You know what ?" "You don't tell me Cheryl's, I ain't telling you Susie's." " Okay." " Okay." " Fine." " Fine." "I'm not the one who has to go out and buy a bra." " I don't give a shit." " Oh, yeah, you do." "It's unbelievable, isn't it ?" "I could be general manager of a basketball team." " No, you couldn't." " I could put together a better team..." " You could not." " Don't tell me I couldn't !" "You don't have a clue." "Half the things you say here on the couch..." "I know as much about basketball as these idiots." "I just need the opportunity." "That's all, just the opportunity." "A young, fresh kid out of college just needs the opportunity." " I do !" " That's all." " I know I could do it." " Yeah, yeah..." " Where're you going ?" " Bathroom." "What are you doing ?" "What are you doing with that money ?" "I was checking to make sure the tooth fairy left it." "You're lying !" "You're a liar !" "You're the tooth fairy !" "There is no tooth fairy !" " Honey, there is a tooth fairy." " You're lying !" "It's you !" "I'm gonna kill him !" "It's you !" "You're the tooth fairy !" " You know what you just did ?" " What ?" "Sammi caught me putting the money under her pillow." "Because you woke her up with those things in your shoes," " and now she knows that I'm the tooth fairy." " Really ?" " The shoes woke her up ?" " Yes, the shoes woke her up !" "She knows that there's no tooth fairy now !" " I'm sorry." " Oh, you're sorry ?" "I'm her mother !" "Trust !" "I know, but it had to happen eventually." "You know, you're a stupid fucking idiot !" "I cannot listen to this !" "Jeff, do you hear this ?" " No what's going on ?" " "It had to happen eventually."" " What had to happen ?" " His orthotics, whatever the hell they are, the noise woke Sammi up." "What's with your farchadat shoes ?" "I told you it takes a while to break 'em in." "What are you breaking 'em in in my house for ?" "It's crazy !" "Uh, you know it's..." "Hey look... let me just posit this, okay ?" "It might be a blessing in disguise." " How ?" " The kid's 11 years old already." " Enough with the tooth fairy !" " Not your business, Larry, you misanthropic moron !" "Not for you to judge !" "She's our kid, we decide when she knows about the tooth fairy !" "Maybe you shouldn't have propagated this ridiculous myth !" "Get the fuck out of my house !" " You sure ?" " Yes !" "Hey, what's going on ?" "What is it ?" "Larry, get rid of those orthotics !" "Now I'll never get back to sleep !" "May I help you ?" "Yes, hi, um... yeah, I'm interested in, um... in buying a, uh bra." " For your..." " It's not for me, no." "For your sweetheart or your wife ?" " Girlfriend ?" " Actually, my housekeeper." "Oh, housekeeper, okay." "I'm not making it up." "It's really not for me." "Fine, no it's not... of course it's not for you." " Tell me you believe me." " I believe you, of course not !" "Not that there's anything wrong with it." " No because I know..." " But there is something wrong with it." "What am I saying ?" "There's a lot wrong with it." " You can't say that in this day and age." " I like to walk around with underwear on my head." "Is there anything wrong with that ?" "Is there something wrong with that ?" " Yeah, there's something wrong with that." " That's very funny." " So you really do need a bra, then ?" " Yes." "Something comfortable." "She hasn't worn one in 15 years." " Not a french maid outfit ?" " No, it's not a lacey french maid outfit." " 'Cause we have lots of those." " This feels very nice." " Yes, this is our revolutionary "elasticene"." " Yeah." " This is the one..." " Lovely." "This is the best bra we make." "It's so soft, I like that." " I like that." " In fact, this one..." "I wonder if they make underwear out of this stuff." "They do." "We have matching panties." "No, for me, for men." "See, that's what I'm saying." "Feel free to try on anything here that you want." "Are you out of your mind ?" "I'm not saying it's for me." "It's not for me." "I'm just saying this kind of foamy, soft material would be nice down there for me." "It's so smooth, yes." "That doesn't make me a pervert just 'cause I want to wear..." " There's nothing perverted about it !" " underwear made out of a bra." "That doesn't make me a pervert !" "Let's start..." "Let's figure out what this woman has..." "Got a good selection for you here." "And uh, you know the only issue, of course, is the size, which I have to say I didn't really know your size." "I got a feeling I think I nailed it." "I really do !" "Okay, try them all on." " All right ?" " Thank you, Mr. David." "All right, you're welcome." "You're a sick fuck, you know that ?" "What are you talking about ?" "What are we talking about ?" "You know, our housekeeper's been stealing, Larry, so we installed cameras throughout the house." "Laundry room." "I looked at the tape." "Quite a show, Larry." "Look familiar ?" "All right, so, I'm looking at the size of it." "I needed to buy a bra for the housekeeper, and it seemed like you two were the same size." "So I needed to find out what your size was !" "And what's all this mincing around ?" "What is this ?" "I was trying to imagine what it would be like to be the housekeeper and have those breasts you know, working and doing dishes." "And how did that feel ?" "Did it feel good ?" "This is how your housekeeper washes dishes, like this ?" "Huh ?" "That's what she does ?" "She dances, mincing around, washing dishes ?" "Why are you looking at her breasts ?" "I don't understand why you would walk into her laundry room and start rifling through her underwear." " I just happened to see the bra there, so I thought, hey look at that, she seems to be about the same size as Maria !" "That's what you're doing ?" "Staring at everyone's breasts ?" " Yeah, exactly !" " No, I knew I had to buy her a bra and I thought..." "Why are you buying her a bra ?" "You don't have to buy her a bra !" "You made me get a bra for her in the first place !" "I never said go buy her a bra !" " What is wrong with you ?" " You wanted her to put a bra on, and I was just fine..." "You don't walk around looking in..." " It's disgusting." " Keep you goddamn hands off my brassiere !" "This isn't the first time it's happened." "The other day he's rifling through my things looking at my labels." "We've been married 11 years." "So I took a little peek at her bra size, big deal." "So sue me !" "Lock me up !" "Pervert !" "You sick fuck pervert !" " You have some fetish about bras..." " Oh get out of here !" "with the housekeeper, with Cheryl, with me..." " Get out !" " I don't know what the hell it is, but it's sick and you better fix those goddamn shoes too !" "'Cause you know what he did ?" "He woke Sammi up the other night," "I was putting money under her pillow because her tooth fell out." " She caught me, now she knows..." " Yes, because there is no fucking tooth fairy !" " And It's about time she learned that !" " None of your business !" "Where have you been ?" "Bra shopping." "Okay, Mr. Larry ?" " It's nice ?" " Very nice !" " It's good, huh ?" " Very nice indeed !" " I like it !" " You like it ?" "It's nice, it feels good." " Good." " Yeah, it feels nice." "What's with him ?" "Oh, he didn't get a lot of sleep last night." "He was woken up and now he's very tired today." "What's the mezuzah doing over there ?" "My father's gonna freak out." "He's gonna be here any minute." "Why didn't Jesus put the mezuzah up ?" "Oh, Jesús was very upset that you were talking about my breasts and wanting to buy a bra for me, so he said, "Mr. David can go fuck himself"." "That's what Jesús said ?" "Yeah, he was mad." "My father's pulling up !" "Where's a hammer ?" "He keeps it in the drawer somewhere." "What about a nail ?" "Where's a nail ?" "I don't know where he keeps the nails !" "what's going on there ?" "I'm putting up a mezuzah." "Wait a minute." "Is that my nail ?" " I'll get you another one." " You took my nail ?" " Larry !" " That's blasphemy !" "What ?" "What is going on ?" "He took my nail !" "He took my nail !" "He took the nail right off my neck !" " Why'd you have a nail around your neck ?" " That's Jesus' nail !" " That's Jesus' nail !" " No, I know but my father's coming right now !" "Hey, boychick." "All right." "All right, kiddo." "Hi, Nat." "This is the best chicken salad I've ever had." " Ever, right ?" " Unbelievable." " It's amazing !" " Unbelievable." "I don't know what the hell she does." "My god, she makes chicken salad, she wears brassieres, she does it all !" "Yeah, she's very happy with the bras, by the way." " Really ?" " Yeah." "Nailed, nailed the bra size." " Really ?" " I don't know how I do it." "I've really got some kind of talent for that, you know ?" "Maybe you can get a job in a carnival somewhere." "Yeah, it's true." " I'm good at it." " Yeah, have your own little booth." ""Step right up." "You are 36c !"" " I know." " Great." "Of course, Jesús freaked out about the whole thing." " Really ?" " He quit, yeah." " He quit ?" " Quit." " Wow." " The whole thing about the bra, talking about the bra, asking her to buy a bra." "He told her to tell me to go fuck myself." " Really ?" " Yeah." "He's a fucking nut job, this guy." "So, did you replace the nail ?" "Did I replace the nail ?" " I believe I have." " Oh, okay, good." "Your father-in-law's gonna be very happy." "Happy man." "Your dad's happy, you father-in-law's happy," "Unless, of course, any other emergencies arise that require a nail to remedy it." "You never know when you're gonna need a nail." " You never know." " Never know." " Fuck !" " What's the matter ?" "My tooth !" "What ?" "Fuck !" "I think my tooth fell out." "Shit !" "My tooth fell out !" " My tooth !" " From a chicken salad sandwich ?" "What fuckin' idiot put bones in a sandwich ?" "I bit into a bone !" "There's bones in the chicken salad !" "Shit !" "Fuck !" "Quiet." "What's that noise ?" " What ?" " Shh." "Sounds like your shoes." "Jesús !" "I didn't see anybody." "Oh fuck !" " What happened ?" " He just fell." "Fell ?" "What is that language ?" "I have no idea." "What's this ?" "There's something in his foot !" "Oh my god !" "The nail." "I must have dropped it !" "It saved me !" "Come on, let's get him some help."