"Boxing tonight comes from the empire pool, wembley" "And features the main heavyweight bout" "Between jack bodell, british and empire heavyweight champion" "And sir kenneth clark." "It's the first time these two have met" "So there should be some real action tonight." "This then is the height" "Of the english renaissance" "The triumph of classical over gothic..." "He's down." "Sir kenneth clark is down in eight seconds." "But he's up again, he's up at six." "The almost ordered facades of palladio's villas reflect..." "And he's down again" "And I don't think he's going to get up this time." "No, so jack bodell has defeated sir kenneth clark" "In the very first round here tonight." "And so this big lincolnshire heavyweight becomes" "The new oxford professor of fine art." "Thank you." "Thank you." "Thank you, ladies and gentlemen." "And now..." "It's..." "Monty python's flying circuseses." "Stand and deliver!" "Drop that gun!" "Let that be a warning to you all." "You move at your peril for I have two pistols here." "I know one of them isn't loaded anymore" "But the other one is, so that's one of you dead for sure" "Or just about for sure anyway." "It certainly wouldn't be" "Worth your while risking it" "Because I'm a very good shot." "I practice every day." "Well, not absolutely every day" "But most days in the week." "I expect I must practice four or five times a week..." "At least... at least four or five" "Only some weekends, like last weekend" "There wasn't much time" "So that brings the average down a bit." "But I should say" "It's definitely a solid four days' practice every week" "At least." "I mean, I reckon I could hit that tree over there" "The one behind the hillock." "Not the big hillock, the little hillock on the left." "You can see the three trees" "The third from the left" "And back a bit, that one" "I reckon I could hit that four times out of five..." "On a good day." "Say, with this wind, say..." "say, seven times out of ten." "What-- that tree there?" "Which one?" "The big beech" "With the sort of bare branch" "Coming out of the top left." "No, no, not that one." "No, no, he means the one over there." "Look, do you see that one there?" "Yes." "Well, now go two along to the right." "Just near that little bush." "Well, it's the one just behind it." "Ah, the elm!" "That's not an elm." "An elm's got sort of great clumps of leaves like that." "That's either a beech or a, um... a, uh... a hornbeam." "A hornbeam?" "No, not a hornbeam." "What's the tree that has" "A leaf with sort of regular veins coming out" "And the veins go all the way out to the..." "Serrated!" "To the serrated edges?" "A willow." "That's right." "That's nothing like a willow." "Well, it doesn't matter anyway." "I could hit it seven times out of ten-- that's the point." "Never a willow." "Shut up!" "This is a holdup, not a botany lesson." "Right!" "now, my fine friends, no false moves, please." "I want you to hand over all the lupins you've got." "Lupins?" "!" "Yes, lupins, come on, come on!" "What do you mean-- lupins?" "Don't try and play for time." "I'm not." "You mean the flower lupins?" "That's right." "Well, we haven't got any lupins." "Honestly." "Look, my fine friends" "I happen to know that this is the lupin express." "You must be out of your tiny mind." "Get out of the coach." "Come on, get out!" "Just as I thought." "Not clever enough, my fine friends." "Come on, concorde." "Well, so much for the lupins." "Dennis moore, dennis moore" "Galloping through the sward" "Dennis moore, dennis moore" "And his horse, concorde" "He steals from the rich" "And gives to the poor" "Mr. moore" "Mr. moore..." "Here we are, I'll be back." "Mr. moore." "Morning, mrs. trepidatious." "Oh, I don't know what's good about it." "My right arm's hanging off something awful." "Oh, you want to have that seen to." "What-- by that dr. morrison?" "He's killed more patients than I've had severe boils." "What do the stars say?" "Well, petula clark says burst them early" "But david frost..." "No, the stars in the paper" "You cloth-eared heap of anteater's catarrh." "The zodiacal signs, the horoscopic fates" "The astrological portents" "The omens, the genethliac prognostications" "The mantalogical harbingers, the vaticinal utterances" "The fratidical premonitory utterances of the mantalogical omens." "What do the bleeding stars in the paper predict" "Forecast, prophesy, foretell, prognosticate..." "And this is where you at home can join in." "Forebode, bode, augur, spell..." "Foretoken, presage, portend" "Foreshow, foreshadow, fore-run" "Herald, point to, betoken, indicate?" "!" "I don't know." "What are you?" "I'm nesbitt." "There's not a zodiacal sign called nesbitt." "All right, derry and toms." ""aquarius, scorpio, virgo, derry and toms." "April 29 to march 22, even dates only."" "Well, what does it presage?" ""you have green, scaly skin" ""and a soft yellow underbelly" ""with a series of finlike ridges" ""running down your spine and tail." ""although lizardlike in shape" ""you can grow anything up to 30 feet in length" ""with huge teeth that can bite off" ""great rocks and trees." ""you inhabit arid subtropical zones" "And wear spectacles."" "Hmm, it's very good about the spectacles." "It's amazing!" "Hmm, what's yours, irene?" "Basil." "I'm sorry, what's yours, basil?" "No, that's my star sign-- basil." "There isn't a star sign..." "Yes, there is." ""aquarius, sagittarius, derry and toms" "Basil-- june 21 till june 22."" "Well, what does it say?" ""you have green, scaly skin" ""and a series of yellow underbellies running down" "Your spine and tail..."" "That's exactly the same!" "Oh!" "try another one." "What's aquarius?" "It's a zodiacal sign." "I know that!" "What's it say in the paper, mrs. flan-and-pickle?" "All right." "Oh!" "it says, "a wonderful day ahead." ""you'll be surrounded by family and friends." ""roger moore will drop in for lunch" ""bringing tony curtis with him." ""in the afternoon, a substantial cash sum will come your way." ""in the evening, petula clark will visit your home" ""accompanied by the mike sammes singers." ""she will sing for you in your own living room." ""before you go to bed, peter wyngarde will come" "And declare his undying love for you."" "Both:" "eww!" "What's scorpio?" "Oh, that's very good." ""you will have lunch with a school friend of duane eddy's" ""who will insist on whistling" ""some of duane's greatest instrumental hits." ""in the afternoon, you will die." "You will be buried..."" "Good morning." "Oh, morning, doctor." "And how's the old arm this morning, mrs. ikon?" "Oh, it's still hanging off at the shoulder." "Good, well, let's have a look at it, shall we?" "Oh, damn!" "Oh, damn this wretched little bag." "Oh, damn, this wretched, bloody little bag." "If there's one thing I hate about being a doctor" "It's this wretched, bloody little bag." "Oh, damn this wretched, bloody little bag!" "Damn it!" "Damn that wretched little bag." "Damn you wretched little bag!" "There, right." "What's that doing in here?" "Right!" "well..." "Hand over the money." "Come on, all of it." "Thank you." "Yes, that seems to be okay." "I'll just test your reflexes." "Everything seems to be okay." "I'll see you next week." "Keep collecting the pensions" "And try not to spend too much on food." "Thank you, doctor." "Morning, mr. henson." "How are we today?" "Not too bad, doctor." "Okay, take it easy." "Expecting any postal orders this week?" "No." "Righto." "Ah, mr. rodgers, have you got" "Your unemployment benefits, please?" "Right-- well, can you write me" "A check then, please?" "Thank you very much." "Soon have you down to nothing." "Ah, mr. millichope." "Hmm... two hours left to do." "Ooh, lovely!" "Dinner's ready, dear." "Sorry, your time's up, mr. spewm." "I'm afraid you lose both the 3p suite" "And your youngest daughter." "Hello." "Should there be another television channel" "Or should there not?" "On tonight's program, the minister for broadcasting" "The right honorable mr. ian throat m.p." "Good evening." "The chairman" "Of amalgamated money tv, sir abe sappenheim." "Good evening." "The shadow spokesman" "For television, lord kinwoodie." "Hello." "And a television critic" "Mr. patrick loone." "Hello." "Gentlemen" "Should there be a fourth television channel or not?" "Ian?" "Yes." "Francis?" "Nope." "Sir abe?" "Yes." "Patrick?" "No." "Well, there you have it" "Two say "will," two say "won't."" "We'll be back again next week, and next week's great debate" "Will be about government interference in broadcasting" "And will be canceled mysteriously." "Just starting on bbc 1 now, victoria regina" "The inspiring tale of the simple crofter's daughter" "Who worked her way up to become queen of england" "And empress of the greatest empire television has ever seen." "On bbc 2 now, episode three of george i" "The new 116-part serial" "About the famous english king who hasn't been done yet." "On itv now, the but absolutely delightful." "But, of course, you know, who cares?" "Ah!" "'tis my lord of buckingham." "Pray welcome, your grace." "Thank you, grantley." "Ladies, may i introduce to you" "The man who prophesied" "That a german monarch would soon embroil this country" "In continental affairs." "Oh, how so, my lord?" "Madam, you will recall that, prior to his accession" "Our gracious sovereign george had become involved" "In the long-standing northern war" "Through his claim to bremen and verdun." "These duchies would provide" "An outlet to the sea" "Of the utmost value to hanover." "The treaty of westphalia" "Has assigned them to sweden." "In 1648." "Exactly." "Meanwhile, frederick william of denmark" "Taking advantage of the absence of charles xii" "Seized them-- 1712." "Oh, yes." "It all falls into place-- more wine?" "Oh, thank you." "However, just prior to his accession" "George had made an alliance" "With frederick william of prussia" "On the grounds of party feeling." "While frederick william had married george's only daughter." "I remember the wedding." "But chiefly, through concern" "At the concerted action..." "Stand and deliver!" "Dennis moore!" "The same." "And now, my lords, my ladies" "Your lupins, please." "Our what?" "Come, come, don't play games with me, my lord of buckingham." "What can you mean?" "Your life or your lupins" "My lord." "In a bunch, in a bunch." "Thank you, my friends." "And now a good evening to you all." "He seeks them here, he seeks them there" "He seeks those lupins everywhere." "The murdering blackguard!" "He's taken all our lupins." "Not quite." "Oh, you tricked him." "We still have one." "Hooray!" "Dennis moore, dennis moore, riding through the night" "Soon every lupin in the land will be in his mighty hand" "He steals them from the rich and gives them to the poor" "Mr. moore" "Mr. moore" "Try to eat some, my dear." "It'll give you strength." "Oh, mr. moore, mr. moore, she's going fast." "Don't worry, I've..." "I've brought you something." "Medicine, at last?" "No." "Food?" "Nope." "Blankets?" "Clothes, wood for the fire?" "Nope." "Lupins!" "Oh, christ!" "I thought you'd like them." "I'm sick to bloody death of them!" "So am i!" "She's bloody dying" "And all you bring us is lupins!" "All we've eaten, mate, for the last four bleeding weeks" "Is lupin soup, roast lupin, steamed lupin" "Braised lupin in lupin sauce" "Lupin in the basket with sauteed lupins" "Lupin meringue pie, lupin sorbet." "We sit on lupins, we sleep in lupins" "We feed the cat on lupins" "We burn lupins, we even wear the bloody things!" "Looks very smart." "Oh, shut up!" "We're sick to death with the stench of them!" "Look!" "The cat's just choked itself to death on them!" "I don't care if I never see another lupin" "Till the day I die!" "Why don't you go out and steal something useful?" "Like what?" "Like gold and silver and clothes" "And wood and jewels and..." "Hang on, I'll get a piece of paper." "Dennis moore, dennis moore, dum, dum, dum, the night." "Dennis moore, dennis moore, dum, de, dum, dum, plight." "He steals dum, dum, dum and dum, dum, dum, dum, dee" "Dennis, dum, dennis, dee, dum, dum, dum." "This, coupled with the presence" "Of peter and his prussians in mecklenburg" "And charles and his swedes in pomerania" "Made george and stanhope eager to come to terms with france." "Meanwhile, a breach had now opened with..." "Oh, no, not again!" "Oh, come on!" "Stand and deliver again!" "Your money, your jewelry, your... hang on..." "Your clothes, your snuff, your ornaments" "Your glassware, your pussy cats..." "Don't say anything about the lupin." "Your watches, your lace, your spittoons..." "Dennis moore, dennis moore, riding through the woods" "Dennis moore, dennis moore, with a bag of things" "He gives to the poor and he takes from the rich" "Dennis moore, dennis moore..." "Here we are." "Dennis moore." "Well, it may be the end of that" "But it's certainly far from the end of..." "Well, in fact, it's the beginning..." "Well, not quite the beginning." "Well, certainly nearer the beginning than the end..." "Well, yes, damn it, it is, to all intents and purposes" "The beginning of this year's ideal loon exhibition" "Sponsored by the daily express." "Numbskulls and boobies from all over the country" "Have been arriving to go through their strange paces" "Before a large paying crowd." "This is the 15th ideal loon exhibition" "And we took a good look round" "After it was opened by its patron." "Here's kevin bruce, the digger duffer from down under" "Who's ranked 14th in the world's silly positions league." "This kind of incoherent behavior" "Is really beginning to catch on down under." "There's norman kirby, from new zealand, whose specialty" "Is standing behind a screen with a lady with no clothes on." "In real life, norman is a gynecologist" "But this is his lunch hour." "And from france" "There's a superb exhibition of rather silly behavior" "By the friends of the free french osteopaths." "...trois, un, deux, trois, un, deux, trois" "Un, deux, trois, un, deux, trois..." "They do this over 400 times a day." "Nobody knows why." "But for sheer pointless behavior" "You've got to admire brian broomers" "The battling british boy who, for two weeks" "Has been suspended over a tin of condemned veal." "Always popular with the crowd" "Is the scotsman with nae trews exhibit" "And this year's no exception." "Sponsored by natural gas and glasgow city council" "This exhibit is entirely supported" "By voluntary contributions." "But for a truly magnificent waste of time" "You've got to go no further than the exhibit from italy" "Italian priests in custard" "Discussing vital matters of the day." "These lads from a seminary near cremona" "Have been practicing for well over a year." "As always, one of the great attractions" "Of this 14-day exhibition" "Is the display of counter marching" "Given by the massed pipes and toilet requisites" "Of the colwyn bay massed pipes and toilet requisites club." "An interesting point about these boys is" "They all have one thing in common-- hip injuries." "Not far away, the crowds are flocking to see" "A member of the famous royal canadian mounted geese." "But the climax of the whole event is the judging." "Mr. justice burke." "Well, that's the last" "And let's just see those last six once again." "And the winner is number 41, mr. justice burke." "Attention, attention, suspect heading due north." "Plan 13-a is now in effect." "Whoop!" "Yet fear, not like an aged florin" "Can so disseminate men's eyes" "That fortune, straining at a kissing touch" "May stop her ceaseless search" "To sport amidst the rampant thrust of time" "And bring the thing undone to pass" "By that with which the cock may chance an arm." "Well, that's all very well, sir" "But this is an off-license." "Uh, just a bottle of sherry then, please." "Certainly, um, amontillado?" "Yes, I think amontillado" "Finely grown, well-chosen" "From the cask of pluto's hills" "Cell'd deep within the vinous soil of spain" "Wrench'd thence from fiery regions of the sun..." "Yes, yes, sir, just one bottle?" "Just one bottle." "Just one jot." "Just one tittle." "That's the lot." "There we are, sir." "That'll be a pound, sir." "A pound, a pound" "And all around abound a pound found found" "Lost lost the cost till was't embossed..." "Excuse me, sir." "Yes, good victualler, nature's trencherman" "Mine honest tapster..." "I was just wondering, are you a poet?" "No, no, I'm..." "I'm a solicitor." "A solicitor... oh." "Well-versed within the written law of man" "Who can to those who need..." "Oh, shut up!" "I'm sorry." "I'm afraid I've caught poetry." "Oh, really?" "Well, don't worry, sir" "I used to suffer from short stories." "Really?" "when?" "Oh, once upon a time." "There lived in wiltshire" "A young chap called dennis moore." "Now, dennis was a highwayman by profession" "And for several months" "He'd been stealing from the rich" "To give to the poor." "One day..." "Here we are again." "Mr. jenkins?" "There we are." "I'll be back." "Meanwhile, frederick william, busily engaged" "In defending against the three great powers" "The province of silesia..." "Which he had seized" "In the war of the austrian succession" "Against his word." "Yes, I remember." "Was now dependent on pitt's subsidies." "My lords, my ladies, on your feet, please!" "I must ask you to do exactly as I say" "Or I shall be forced to shoot you right between the eyes!" "Well, not right between the eyes, I mean..." "When I say "between the eyes"" "Obviously I don't have to be that accurate." "I mean, if I hit you in that sort of area, like that" "Obviously, that's all right for me." "I mean, I don't have to try" "And sort of hit a point bisecting a line" "Drawn between your pupils, or anything like that." "I mean, from my point of view, it's perfectly satisfactory..." "What do you want?" "Why are you here?" "Well, why are any of us here?" "I mean, when you get down to it" "It's all so meaningless, isn't it?" "I mean, what do any of us want?" "No, no, what do you want now?" "Oh, I see, oh, just the usual things" "A little place of my own, the right girl..." "No, no, no!" "What do you want from us?" "Oh, um... your gold, your silver, your jewelry." "You've taken it all." "This is all we've got left." "That's nice." "I'll have them." "Come on." "You'd better take the bloody lupin, too." "Thank you very much." "I've gone through that stage." "Dennis moore, dennis moore, etcetera, etcetera." "What you got for us today, then?" "Well, I've managed to find you" "Four very nice silver spoons, mr. jenkins." "Who do you think you are" "Giving us poor this rubbish?" "Bloody silver" "Won't have it in the house." "And those candlesticks" "You got us last week" "Were only 16-carat." "Yeah, why don't you go out and steal something nice" "Like some venetian silver?" "Or a velasquez for the outside loo." "Oh, all right." "Dennis moore, dennis moore, riding through the land" "Dennis moore, dennis moore, without a merry band" "He steals from the poor and gives to the rich" "Stupid bitch." "What did you sing?" "We sang, "he steals from the poor and gives to the rich."" "Wait a tic..." "Blimey, this redistribution of wealth" "Is trickier than I thought." "Good evening, and welcome to another edition of prejudice" "The show that gives you a chance to have a go" "At wops, krauts, nigs, eyeties, gippos, bubbles, froggies" "Chinks, yidds, jocks, polacks, paddies and dagoes." "Tonight's show comes live" "From the tiny village of rabid in buckinghamshire." "And our first question tonight is from a mrs. elizabeth scrint" "Who says she is going on a mediterranean cruise next week" "And can't find anything wrong with the syrians." "Well, mrs. scrint, apart from being" "Totally unprincipled, left-wing troublemakers" "The syrians are also born skivers." "They're dirty, smelly and untrustworthy" "And, of course, they're friends of the awful gippos." "Well, there you are, mrs. scrint." "Hope that answers some of your problems." "Have a nice trip." "Well, now, the result of last week's competition" "When we asked you" "To find a derogatory term for the belgians." "Well, the response was enormous" "And we took quite a long time sorting out the winners." "There were some very clever entries." "A mrs. hatred, of leicester, said" ""let's not call them anything, let's just ignore them."" "And a mr. st. john, of huntingdon, said" "He couldn't think of anything more derogatory than "belgians."" "But in the end, we settled on three choices." "Number three, "the sprouts"" "Sent in by mrs. vicious, of hastings." "Very nice." "Number two, "the phlegms"" "From mrs. childmolester, of worthing." "But the winner was undoubtedly" "From mrs. no-supper-for-you, from norwood in lancashire" ""miserable, fat belgian bastards."" "Very good, very good, thank you, carol." "But, as you know, on this program" "We're not just prejudiced against race or color." "We're also prejudiced against-- yes, you've guessed" "Stinking homosexuals!" "So before the streets start emptying in chelsea tonight" "Let's go straight over to our popular prejudiced panel game" "And invite you once again to "shoot the poof"!" "And could our first contestant sign in, please?" "Our first contestant is a hairdresser from..." "Ooh, I never did like that kind of person." "Halt!" "halt!" "Gentlemen, ladies, bring out your valuables, please." "Oh, no!" "Come along, sir, come along." "Come along, madam." "Now..." "Is that all you've got?" "Yes." "Well, he's got much more than you" "So you'd better have some of his." "He's got a lot of these." "Oh, sorry..." "pick them up in a moment." "There's about, oh, what, nine down there" "So you must have about..." "Oh, he's still got lots..." "You've got what?" "You've got more than he started with" "So if I give you some of those..." "Uh, well, now, look, if I give you that, uh..." "Have you got a bit of jewelry?" "Yes, if I give you that one" "And you have some of his coins..." "Is that another box?" "Were you trying to hide it?" "Ooh, that's nice!" "I'll have that." "Right." "Now, I've got a tiara..." "You've got one, you've got one." "You've got one of the boxes." "You've got one." "Anyone else got a tiara?" "Take your hat off." "Oh, honestly" "It's absolutely pointless" "Trying to do this if you're going to cheat." "It really is awful of you." "I thought you should have won." "I mean, judicially, you swept the board." "All right, he had posture" "But where was he in the summing up?" "Oh, shut up, melford, there's always next year."