"Jeff:" "It started in L.A. in the back room of The Comedy Store..." "Let's roast!" "...two comics trading verbal blows." "Leah would show you her Foo Fighters tramp stamp, but it takes too long to shave her back hair." "Head to head, mike to mike, insult to insult, and the roast battle was born." "This is the rawest, livest show you can get anywhere." "It's become a worldwide movement." "I'm just happy to be roasting somebody with the same-sized titties as I got." "Now we're at Montreal's Just For Laughs festival." "We invited the meanest motherfuckers we could find to compete in the world championships of competitive roasting." "You look like Renée Zellweger swallowed a Telletubby." "[ Laughter ]" "Four consecutive nights, 16 comics battling for a chance at glory, bragging rights, and a piece of the $100,000 prize." "Tonight, alongside my guest judges" "Kevin Hart and David Spade, it's time to find out who has the balls, the brains, and the jokes to be a champion." "It's time to roast battle!" "♪ We're getting ready for battle ♪" "♪♪" "♪ We're getting ready for battle ♪" "♪♪" "♪ We're getting ready for battle ♪" "[ Cheers and applause ]" "Thank you." "All right." "Fuck." "All right, all right, all right." "All right, this is cool." "[ Audience chanting "Battle" ]" "What's up, you Canadian mother kanuckers?" "This is "Roast Battle," this is a safe haven for whatever the fuck these comedians want to say." "How you doing, Wave?" "Together:" "Whoa!" "[ Laughs ]" "It's weird you're called "The Wave,"" "but only one of you can swim." "[ Audience groans ]" "[ Cheers and applause ]" "Tonight, the comics are roasting each other." "Over the next four nights, you'll see 16 comics from four different countries going mike to mike ' in verbal combat." "So if you have thin skin, change the channel." "If you have thick skin, see a dermatologist." "If you have black skin, stay away from the police." "I'm very proud to say that a whole bunch of my friends are coming to help me judge the battles this week " "Sarah Silverman, Seth Rogen, Anthony Jeselnick," "Judd Apatow, Jimmy Kimmel, and Whoopi Goldberg are all coming out this week, over the next four nights." "[ Air horn blows ]" "So cool." "I can't believe it." "I can't believe it." "[ Applause ]" "But tonight, we're kicking it off with two of the biggest names with the smallest bodies and the biggest dicks in comedy " "David Spade and Kevin Hart!" "[ Cheers and applause ]" "♪♪" "Hey." "What's going on, everybody?" "Hello." "Jeff, this is a big deal, man." "This is so cool, Kevin." "This is a big deal." "This is roasting for a whole new way, man." "No, I'm talking about me being here." "This is a big deal." "[ The Wave chanting indistinctly ] This is -- this is huge." "Yeah." "There you go." "Yeah." "Yeah." "I love you, Kev, but I'm one private plane pic away from unfollowing you on Instagram." "[ Laughter ]" "I don't know if you guys saw it." "Kevin Hart was the roast master at the Justin Bieber roast." "Yeah." "Anybody see that one?" "Yes." "Yeah." "So, Kev, David was just named as the host of the Rob Lowe roast." "Oh, wow." "Any advice for him?" "Um, ask for Justin Bieber." "That would be my advice." "He was easy." "Justin was an easy target." "That's an easier roast." "You know, I sort of -- I love Rob Lowe, but I wish I had Justin Bieber, because -- and it's not 'cause I'm mad that he boned three chicks I like, it's -- actually, that is why I'm mad about it." "Yeah, I wish..." "You're gonna get him back a little bit." "Yeah, we're gonna duct-tape those pubes right off." "Wait, what?" "No." "I'm sorry, I was thinking about something else." "Well, I appreciate you both coming out very, very much." "This is too cool, man." "Yeah." "Yes." "Yes." "You're in for a great show, fellas." "Thank you for judging." "Yes." "We have four awesome match-ups tonight, plus a Spade, a Hart, eight jokers, a full house, a referee with a gambling problem -- who's feeling lucky right now?" "Yeah!" "This is "Roast Battle."" "This is "Roast Battle" -- family entertainment at its fucking worst." ""Roast" fans, let's make it loud for tonight's referee, Brian motherfucking Moses!" "[ Cheers and applause ]" "♪♪" "Battle!" "Battle!" "Come on!" "[ Audience chanting "Battle" ]" "Bonjour,Montreal." "[ Chuckles ]" "Hey, keep it going for albino Russell Simmons over there," "Jeffrey Ross, everybody." "That's our dude." "[ Applause ]" "You ready to see some verbal violence?" "Jeff:" "Yeah!" "Beautiful." "Let's get to the first battle." "Our first roaster of the evening -- she's 6-1 in roast battle, and her only loss is right here in Canada." "Please make it loud, all the way from Calhoun, Georgia, the dirty mouth from the dirty south, Sarah Tiana." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "♪ Rock your world" "♪ The hottest girls" "♪ Are country girls" "Yeps." "[ Laughs ]" "You look lovely, Sarah." "Sarah:" "Thank you." "Her opponent is from Austin, Texas." "He was recently on "@midnight,"" "and his upcoming special is being shot on police body cam." "[ Laughter ]" "Please welcome Chris Cubas." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "[ Hip-hop music plays ]" "Yes." "[ Laughs ]" "Ow!" "[ Laughter ] Chris, thank you for letting us do this in your house, Chris." "I don't like that Kevin Hart's just laughing at me." "I haven't said shit." "Kevin: [ Laughing ]" "I don't like that I'm getting laughed at by Michelle Obama's clit." "I don't like that at all." "Jeff:" "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!" "Battle!" "Battle!" "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa." "Whoa." "I'm sorry, Kev." "I don't want to fuck up his confidence before he goes." "I'll wait till after." "That's Chris Cubas." "I bet you didn't know Montreal was so close to where the wild things are." "[ Laughter ]" "We have a southern belle vs. the Snapchat dog filter." "[ Laughter ]" "[ The Wave chanting indistinctly ]" "All right, there's three rules in roast battle." "First rule -- nothing's off limits except for physical contact." "So don't touch each other, all right?" "Second rule -- original material only." "And at the end of every battle, we hug." "Whatever!" "First round is four jokes, tit for tat, that means you're trading jokes back and forth." "Who wants to go first?" "She can go first." "Look at you -- southern gentleman." "Ladies first." "Beautiful." "[ Laughs ] Yeah." "Sarah, Chris " "Georgia, Narnia -- are we ready?" "[ Cheers and applause ]" "Let's roast!" "[ Bell dings ]" "Kevin:" "Aw, shit!" "This is so great." "I'm so excited to be here with Chris." "I met Chris a year ago, and I'll never remember the first thing he said to me," ""Can I clean your windshield for a dollar?"" "Yes, it was fun." "Like all terrible things, like incest and slavery," "Sarah Tiana's from the south." "The only thing that burns worse than her pussy is the cross she left in my yard." "[ Click, projectile whistling ] [ Audience groans ]" "I love that you think you know what a pussy looks like." "[ Air horn honks ]" "[ Gun cocks, gunshots ]" "It looks like the white dude in The Wave." "That's what it looks like." "It's impossible that you know what that looks like, because a pussy is literally the only thing on this planet you won't eat." "Oh!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "[ Gunshot ]" "I like that." "Oh." "You are like offensively white." "You look like a Walmart fucked an "All Lives Matter" t-shirt." "Aww." "That's so cute." "David:" "Topical." "Topical." "You know, we're staying at the same hotel, and I heard Chris and his girlfriend having sex last night." "There was a lot of heavy breathing, and then Chris finally got his pants off." "Man:" "You fat!" "David:" "Fat joke." "Fat joke." "I hate your voice." "You sound like if Paula Deen still said the "N" word a bunch, but she used all her butter for lube." "[ Laughs ]" "Brian:" "Last joke." "Last joke." "Last joke, okay." "This is a shame, Chris." "I can't believe you're getting killed by a girl in Canada, and not how I thought you'd get killed -- by a cop in America." "[ Gun cocks, gunshot ]" "Topical." "Topical." "That's a great joke." "[ Siren walls ]" "That's a good joke." "Good joke." "Everyone says Sarah's a huge slut, but that's not -- that's not true." "The fact is, Sarah's such a frigid bitch, she doesn't have a cunt, she has a can't." "Topical." "Topical." "[ Bell dings ]" "That's round 1." "Keep it going." "Sarah, Chris." "[ Applause ]" "David:" "Aw, shit." "Jeff." "That's the first one." "That was, uh..." "Wow." "How you feeling?" "Great way to start the night, right, fellas?" "That was a great way to start the night." "Holy shit." "Southern hospitality vs. mental hospitality." "My God." "What do you think, Spade?" "What do you think?" "Oh, boy." "I haven't even been to a roast, so this is the first thing I've seen, and holy shit." "It's another thing you never get invited to, right?" "[ Audience groans ]" "[ Gun cocks, gunshots ]" "You know I'm kidding." "You know I'm kidding." "Welcome to "Roast Battle."" "I know." "I don't know if it's smart to say that right before I pick who wins." "No, no." "What?" "Sarah looks like a girl that'd never slow dance with me in high school, because she's very pretty." "You see that, Sarah?" "I went the other way." "And I didn't know you were black until the second joke, about slavery, or whatever it was." "Well, in his defense, he's not black." "That's just dirt." "David:" "Oh-ho!" "Extra credit!" "[ Air horn blows ]" "[ Gunshots ]" "Sarah's uncomfortable because her family's never been on stage with a black guy they didn't try to buy." "[ Audience groans ]" "[ Southern accent ] They're expensive." "Jeff:" "Didn't the battle end two minutes ago?" "Brian:" "All right." "That's topical." "All right, Chris looks a little like Reggie Watts." "Let's face it." "You look like anyone from Watts." "[ Laughter ]" "Listen, I thought you both had really solid jokes, to be honest." "I might tilt it towards Sarah a little bit." "I mean, Jeff, this is your call, and Kevin, where are you standing on this?" "Yeah, honestly, I think y'all both had great delivery." "I love that there was segways within the roast, you know, but, what I will say, Chris, you know," "Sarah handled a couple of your low blows very calmly." "It didn't seem to shake her of affect her." "She kept her poise, and she responded with wit." "The wit hit you a couple times where you couldn't really recover, you know?" "The pants and your heavy breathing, I believed it." "I was like, "All right."" "Yo, a lot of the shit that she said," "I really fucking believed, and she was like, pussy, you wouldn't eat it -- he's got a fucked-up beard." "He might not want to make a mess." "I believe it." "Like, everything that she said," "I felt it came from a real place, so I'm gonna go with Sarah on this one, 'cause she handled her stuff." "I'm gonna take Sarah." "Okay." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "Jeff, that's a clean sweep, so your vote doesn't matter, but go ahead." "You know what?" "[ Laughs ]" "You're two of my favorites." "We found Chris in Austin." "He's one of the funniest guys in Austin." "You should move to New York or L.A., man." "Very funny." "Very funny." "You really should." "Thank you." "Tiana, I love you." "You're a killer." "I feel like you could win this entire fucking tournament, so congratulations." "It's your night." "Brian:" "Oh." "Winner of the first match of the night, Sarah Tiana." "Give him a hug." "Hug." "Hug each other." "♪♪" "Damn right." "Tom:" "He's Earl Skakel, you know, he's my comedy hero." "I'm gonna let him do his thing, and then boom!" "Earl:" "Just no mercy for 10 minutes." "[ Blowing raspberry ] That's impressive." "I've opened my butt cheeks for a lot of guys over the years." "I'm gonna be ready." "Did I mention how big his asshole is?" "I mean, you could just fit a lot of dudes up there, and he has." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "♪♪" "Yeah." "Welcome back to the Democratic National Convention." "Everybody, keep it going for the fastest man with two hands." "That's our deejay, Coach Tea." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "[ Air horn blows ]" "My boy." "[ Laughs ]" "And if everybody's wondering at home who these guys over here are, this is The Wave." "Together:" "Oh!" "[ Laughs ]" "And our judges for the evening, our firing squad, we got David Spade, Kevin Hart." "Dude, Rich Vos is here, J.B. Smoove is here." "Hey!" "What's up, gentlemen?" "Yeah!" "Good to see you guys." "I love it." "What's going on?" "We got two black lives that matter " "Kevin Hart and J.B. Smoove." "[ Laughs ]" "You ready for this next battle?" "This is a hype crowd, man." "This is Montreal, night 1." "Make some noise, everybody." "[ Cheers and applause ] Yeah." "Battle number 2 of the evening." "This next roaster, he's been with the "Roast Battle" since day one." "Love this dude." "He's 5-1-1, he's a little rich, he's a little racist, he's our version of Donald Trump." "Folks, make it loud for Earl Skakel." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "David:" "Yeah." "[ Bagpipe music plays ]" "[ Light laughter ]" "His opponent -- he's 2-1, he's gay, he's Australian, he's a vegetarian." "Insert your own blooming onion joke here." "Make it loud for Tom Ballard, everybody." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "[ Dance music plays ]" "Hey!" "♪ 'Cause tonight, we can have some fun ♪" "Yo." "♪♪" "Get it." "Get it." "Wow." "Shit." "Moses, I can't wait to see which bottom comes out on top." "[ Laughter ]" "[ The Wave chanting "roast master" ]" "Thanks, Wave." "Thanks, Wave." "Together:" "Whoa!" "Well, you guys know the rules." "It's tit for tat, trading jokes back and forth." "Who wants to go first?" "Well, Tom's got an early flight tomorrow, so I'll let him go first." "[ Audience ohs ]" "Let's do it." "The confidence." "Let's do it!" "Australia, U.S.A., are we ready?" "[ Cheers and applause ]" "Go." "Let's roast!" "[ Bell dings ]" "Thank you." "Holy shit." "Earl Skakel lives in West Hollywood." "He likes watching sweaty men wrestle, he's constantly shirtless, and he's wearing leather pants." "I may be gay, but you, sir, are a faggot." "[ Audience groans, applause ]" "Man:" "You gay!" "Tom is gay and from Australia, so when he takes it in the ass, he'll feel it tomorrow." "[ Laughter ]" "David:" "I liked it." "I liked it." "[ Cheers and applause ] I liked it." "[ Siren walls ]" "Earl, if you fucked my ass, it'd be the biggest room you've ever played." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "[ Siren walls ]" "[ Alarm blares ]" "[ Applause ]" "[ Speaks indistinctly ]" "Tom, you've taken more shots in the back than an unarmed black teenager." "[ Gun cocks, gunshot ]" "Jesus." "Kevin:" "God." "Here's a fun fact." "Earl Skakel was named after the sound a person with down syndrome makes when they're taking a shit." "[ Slowly ] Earl Skakel!" "I'll take mediocre for 500, Alex." "[ Laughter ]" "You've been taking mediocre your whole career." "[ Audience ohs ]" "Well, it's true." "I opened up for Rob Schneider." "You just open up for guys who look like Rob Schneider." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "Rebuttal for 800, Alex." "[ Air horn blows ] Brian:" "Last joke, last joke." "Earl Skakel dated Olivia Grace, who was 27 years younger than he is, which means that Earl both looks and acts like Jared from Subway." "Earl, you're so old and gross, your dick sliding into her pussy must have looked like a crusty maggot burrowing into a peach." "A little longer." "A little longer on the setup." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "I love Tom Ballard." "He's a great person." "But your career is such a disaster," "Steve Rannazzisi's telling people he's there." "[ Gunfire ]" "[ Bell dings ]" "That's a wrap for battle two." "Keep it going." "Tom Ballard, Earl Skakel." "Wow." "David:" "Wow." "Yo, Jeff." "What a battle." "Wow." "What do you think, Kevin?" "No, I'm gonna tell you what I think." "First of all, God damn!" "Shit." "[ Chuckles ] Shit." "Went up a level, round 2." "God damn it." "I'm gonna go with my gut here." "Earl, man, I got to give it to you." "Earl, first of all, coming out with your shirt off, the leather pants, the oil " "Well, you don't have to do that." "You don't have to do that." "[ Applause ]" "I love the fact you committed." "You stayed with it, man, and your confidence, it definitely showed in your throw backs." "Tom, yo, you came and you attempted -- a lot of shit was in the ass." "That's what you said last night." "That's annoying." "Oh, Jesus Christ." "Oh." "Oh, Jesus." "Guy's a superstar." "This is -- this is where I get baffled." "I don't know what to do." "I'm gonna go Earl." "I'm gonna go Earl." "Yeah." "I'mma go Earl." "Boo!" "♪♪" "I love the built-in knee pads, Earl." "Well, Tom's gonna use them after." "[ Audience ohs ]" "Earl." "Earl, I like the balls." "You came out with the outfit like that, sort of loading the guy up for him." "You know, you really helped him out, but I don't know if he capitalized totally on that." "I think that you both went back and forth very well." "Good, sharp jokes." "That Steve joke is very sort of inside and great." "We appreciated that one, the comics here." "Yeah." "That's funny." "That's great." "Really smart jokes, and I just feel like Earl probably had the edge, but both did a great job." "It's another clean sweep, Jeffrey." "Earl, I mean, I love both of these comedians so much." "I love the way you guys do this." "Earl, you look like Richard Simmons mid-transition." "[ Light laughter ]" "And Tom, I feel like a dingo stole your punch lines tonight." "Oh!" "Shit!" "It felt like you were a little off tonight, Tom." "I don't know." "Yeah, I was surprised." "The last time Earl's come up with something funny was last night when he spat out my cum so I can't believe it." "Oh, my God." "Jesus." "Hail Mary, hail Mary!" "Let me cum in your mouth so something funny comes out of it." "Oh!" "David:" "Aw, shit." "Tom, walk away." "Walk away, Tom." "Get out of there, Tom." "Tom, run." "Kevin:" "Tom, get out of there!" "Earl, I think you just showed everybody here and everybody in America why you are so good at this, 'cause you never stop swinging." "Congratulations." "You get this battle." "Great job." "Yo!" "Winner -- battle number 2 -- Earl Skakel!" "Hug each other!" "♪♪" "U.S.A.!" "U.S.A.!" "U.S.A.!" "[ Audience chanting "U.S.A." ]" "Steve:" "I've never done it before." "There's a lot of pressure." "You got to be funny, you got to be quick, got to hit hard." "There's no strategy." "You try to write good jokes, and you hope people find them funny." "I'm prepared, excited about it, so I think I'm gonna do well." "[ Audience chanting "Battle" ]" "♪♪" "Yeah!" "Make some noise Montreal!" "Sacré bleu!" "Now, because none of you have short-term memory, let's go over what just happened so far." "Earlier tonight, we saw Sarah Tiana advance and destroy Chris Cubas." "Whoo!" "She's moving on to the quarterfinals." "And we just saw Earl Skakel beat Tom Ballard and move on." "You guys ready for the next battle?" "[ Cheers and applause ]" "All right." "This next battler, if you love 9/11, you're gonna hate this guy." "[ Audience ohs ]" "He's got lots of credits, but the biggest credit he has is he lied about being in the World Trade Center." "Please welcome actor, comedian, liar, Steve Rannazzisi." "[ "Star Spangled Banner" plays ]" "[ Laughs ]" "Thank you." "Thank you, guys." "Beautiful." "Thank you." "All right." "His opponent is undefeated." "He's a native New Yorker, so fuck you, Steve." "Folks, make it loud for Sam Morril." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "[ Rock music plays ]" "Beautiful." "This is gonna be a fun one, Jeff." "Steve, you look a little nervous." "Are you okay?" "Absolutely nervous, but I'll be fine, I think." "Let's hope you didn't also lie about being a comedian." "No, no." "[ Laughs ]" "Jeff!" "[ The Wave chanting "roast master" ]" "I'm just having fun." "I'm trying to loosen it up, set the tone a little bit." "All right, Steve, Sam, who wants to go first?" "Liars first, I think." "No, let Mr. Bean " "[ Audience ohs ]" "Mr. Bean with AIDS goes first, please." "Oh, Jesus Christ!" "Jeff roast, who's going first?" "I think Steve should go first." "Fine." "I'll go first." "Here we go." "Yes." "All right, yo, New York, liar, are we ready?" "[ Cheers and applause ] Let's roast!" "[ Bell dings ]" "Yes, I lied about being in the World Trade Center, but, to my defense, I was a first responder, to Sam's girlfriend's Instagram bus" " Aw, fuck." "David:" "Whoa!" "[ Sad horn music plays ]" "Sam:" "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa." "Oh." "Oh, shit." "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa." "[ Audience ohs ]" "Hey, hey, hey, hey." "On a scale of 1-10," "I'm gonna give that a ground-zero, Steve." "Perfect." "[ Gunshots ]" "I like that one." "[ Air horn blows ]" "Brian:" "First joke." "First joke." "[ Chuckles ]" "Sam " " S-Sam..." "[ Chuckles ] Get it out, buddy." "David:" "Keep these jokes to a 100-word minimum." "Sam, I can't believe you're here, man." "You lost to a mime on "America's Got Talent" last week -- a fucking mime, dude." "Can you believe that?" "Jesus Christ." "I mean, if you wanted to just have career suicide, you could have lied about being at 9/11 and kept your dignity." "Steve has never performed in a roast before, but he did lie about running away from a pretty huge one." "Wait, what?" "Um, Sam was born with a silver spoon in his mouth, not because his adopted parents are loaded, but because that's how his birth mother tried to scoop him out of her." "[ Audience ohs ]" "We're gaining traction." "I needed one." "That's all I needed." "Okay." "Steve's kids are 6 and 4, which means someday they'll be 9 and 11, and he'll only claim to be there for them." "[ Light laughter ] [ Siren walls ]" "[ Air horn blows ]" "That's three." "Keep it going." "Sam, Steve." "[ Applause ] Whoo!" "All right." "After seeing this, I wish I died on 9/11." "This was fucking depressing, you guys." "Holy mackerel." "This was a -- this was a little bit of a mess, but Steve, first of all," "I appreciate the balls of coming out." "Thank you." "You know it's a tough job, you know you're gonna get hammered, but you came out." "The only thing I could say negative about Sam, 'cause you were great, is maybe more jokes that weren't about, you know, the 9/11 lie." "Can I respond to that?" "I think, you know, if you're roasting Sandusky, you're not gonna talk about football, so..." "Yeah, okay." "[ Laughter ]" "Brian:" "Topical." "I thought " " That's true." "I thought, Steve, you started to climb back." "You got K.O.'d a little early with that 100-word joke, but at least you came back and you got a few in, and I don't know if it won it for you, but it helped," "and it kept you in the game, and at least it made it a little bit of a fight, right?" "Kevin, what do you think?" "Ah, fuck that." "Dave's being nice." "That shit stunk." "That shit was awful." "Here's why, okay?" "Rule number one of roasting -- you don't show weakness, okay?" "Steve came out and stumbled on his first bit." "He showed fear, he showed weakness, and what did Sam do with that?" "He smelled it -- hit him with the ground-zero boop." "But then after that, Sam got a little confident." "Sam got confident, got wordy, his next one didn't hit the way he wanted it to." "Then after that, Steve came back with one, the scooping of the cum out the mouth shit." "You know, get a little nasty for me, I'm not gonna lie." "Shit get a little nasty." "But I was like, "All right, okay." "I see where you're going." "He's coming back a little bit."" "But then after that," "I think Sam kept hitting him with jabs, and the fact that Steve knew he was dealing with something that was a problem." "He's like, "This is a real issue for me." "I lied about this, and it's starting to hurt."" "I can see that he was like, "Fuck this." "Just let it go!" "And Sam kept on hammering it " ""9/11 -- you lied, you lied, you lied."" "And Steve was like, "Just fucking move on!"" "And Sam was like, "Nope, your kids!" "Gonna be liars." "9/11, 9/11."" "He wouldn't let it fucking go." "And, for that, persistence will always win, so, Sam, I'm gonna give it to you." "You stayed persistent." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "Jeff:" "Roasting, a lot of times, is about sort of a new beginning and sort of restarting where you been in life and where you're going." "We've seen that at the celebrity roasts." "I think "Roast Battle" -- laughing at yourself is so important, putting it out there." "So you're a great guy, Steve, for doing this." "You're a good sport." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "That having been said..." "Hug it out, hug it out." "That's all fine and well, but Sam Morril, everybody." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "♪♪" "[ High-pitched ] I think I'm just gonna do what I do best, which is just disarm my opponents with cuteness, and then stab them in the fucking throat." "Jimmy:" "It comes naturally to me." "I'm a genuinely unpleasant person and I look down on others, so I would feel disappointed if she didn't at least consider suicide at some stage in the next 24 hours." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "♪♪" "Who's ready for the last battle of the evening?" "!" "[ Cheers and applause ] [ Air horn blows ]" "Yes." "She's a roast-battle veteran whose voice is so high, even cancer couldn't put up with it." "Folks, make it loud, from New York City, Christy Chiello." "[ Gentle piano music plays ]" "Aww." "Aww. [ Laughs ]" "[ Sighs ]" "Oh, you're so sweet." "You're so wholesome." "Oh, God." "Hi." "That voice is real." "Christi." "Hi." "What?" "Would you let The Wave smash?" "Yes." "[ The Wave cheers ]" "[ Air horn blows ]" "Oh, God." "Perfect." "Her opponent is one of the biggest-selling acts in the U.K." "Last year, right here, Montreal, Canada, at the Just For Laughs Festival, he won the whole Roastmasters Invitational." "He's our defending champion." "Ladies and gentlemen, make it loud for U.K.'s own Jimmy Carr." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "[ "Pomp and Circumstance" plays ]" "Jeff:" "Yeah." "[ Laughs ]" "You guys look both great." "Christi, how you feeling?" "All right?" "I'm feeling really scared." "Scared?" "I'm really, really scared." "[ Laughs ]" "Jeff:" "People don't realize this " "That's her real voice." "That's crazy." "She's not doing a bit." "No." "That's his real laugh." "[ Laughter ]" "[ Laughs ]" "What?" "This is so much fun." "What?" "!" "Yeah." "What the fuck is going on?" "What the fuck is going on, man?" "This is real." "I feel like " "I feel like this is one big-ass prank, and I'm the only jackass that don't know what's going on." "[ Laughs ]" "Stop!" "Stop!" "Stop that." "What the fuck is that?" "Stop." "I have a question, Jeff." "Why does the magician have a clipboard?" "[ Laughter ]" "[ Laughs ]" "[ Gun cocks, gunshot ] Oh, God." "Fuck, yeah." "You know, you're right." "It kind of looks like a magician firing his assistant 'cause she's too big to saw in half." "Oh!" "Aw, shit." "Too mean?" "I'm just warming her up, because, Christi, as you know, this man is a machine." "He's one of the best joke guys." "He's a huge star all over the world." "In the world." "Oh, well, let's not..." "One of my favorite comedians, so you really are the underdog here, my darling." "Yep." "I know." "[ Laughter ]" "[ Cheers and applause ]" "Have fun, you guys." "Okay." "The last battle!" "Keep it going!" "Okay." "[ Cheers and applause continue ]" "That's perfect." "Who wants to go first?" "I think Jimmy Carr will go first." "Yeah." "I'm happy to." "Happy to." "All right." "U.K., America -- are we ready?" "[ Cheers and applause ]" "This is it!" "Let's roast!" "[ Bell dings ]" "I was told that nothing was off limits here, so I'd like to address the elephant in the room." "Christi..." "on the plus side, is -- is a nice way to describe her." "No, seriously, on the plus side, if you fuck her, it counts as a threesome." "[ Audience ohs ]" "[ Elephant trumpets ]" "Who did that?" "!" "No!" "That's wrong." "Rude." "It is an honor to be here tonight, roasting Jimmy Carr, the spawn of Pee Wee Herman and the movie seat he jerked off on." "Jimmy, you're just mad because my voice reminds you of that little girl who escaped your basement." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "[ Gunshot ]" "Um, that was a little more than what she just said, I think." "[ Laughter ]" "Wow." "The little girl that escaped my basement." "I knew I knew you." "[ Laughing ]" "Is that comfort eating, is it?" "[ Audience groans ]" "It's food, not love, people." "Right." "I was going to talk about Christi's career, but it's like trying to punch fog." "There's nothing there." "There's nothing." "There are ISIS sleeper cells with higher profiles." "I looked her up on the Internet, and Google said, "Me either."" "[ Audience ohs ]" "David:" "What the fuck is happening?" "What?" "What was that one?" "What?" "What?" "Okay, Jimmy " " Jimmy is so desperate to be accepted by America that he rebelled against paying his taxes." "Now, if there is one American Jimmy reminds me of, it's Donald Trump, because they both are convicted criminals, and their fans should know better." "I got it out." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "You know what, Christi?" "You know what?" "[ Laughter ]" "You know what, Christi?" "Christi " " Christi does a lot of voice-over work, because..." "Hello." "David: [ Chuckles ] She helped him." "Jeff:" "Next joke, next joke, next joke." "You sound -- you sound like a badly educated queef." "[ Alarm blaring ]" "What the..." "Okay, Jimmy had his father arrested for basically just annoying him, so after this battle, he'll probably have me killed, but at least when I die," "I'll have living parents that will come to my funeral." "Kevin:" "Oh." "Oh, God." "[ Laughs ]" "Wow." "Jeff:" "Wow." "[ Groans ]" "That's..." "Wow." "That's good." "That's good." "That was pretty good." "That was good." "He liked it." "Brian:" "Last joke." "He liked it." "I don't know what's happening." "Christi:" "Last joke." "How many rounds have we gone?" "Your voice has put women's lib back 50 years." "There is a lot of pressure on women in our industry to be beautiful and thin, and I'd just like to acknowledge your bravery." "[ Audience ohs ]" "[ Cheers and applause ]" "That's pretty fucking funny." "Thank you." "Hear, hear!" "Okay, last joke." "I-I was so, um " "[Clears throat] Christi, you can do it." "[ Cheers and applause ] I was so..." "[ Laughs ]" "Jeff:" "Christi." "Okay, got it." "Take your time." "Get it right." "You worked hard on this." "[ Laughter ]" "Okay." "Christi." "He's right there." "He's right there." "Look at him and tell him." "Okay." "[ Chuckles nervously ]" "All right, when I first heard about Brexit," "I was really happy, 'cause I thought it meant that Jimmy was finally quitting comedy." "But then, I learned -- sorry -- but then -- but then I learned that Brexit is just what Jimmy calls it when he pulls out of a man's asshole." "[ Audience ohs ]" "[ Can-can music plays ]" "Kevin:" "What did they tell " "[ Bell dings ]" "What did they tell the black guy?" "U.K., U.S.A. -- keep it going for Christi, Jimmy Carr." "[ Cheers and applause ] [ Air horn honks ]" "Wow." "You have outdone yourself, Wave." "You have outdone yourself." "Together:" "Whoa!" "All right." "Let's kick it to Joe Dirt." "I think..." "Wow." "You're speechless." "Christi, I will say, as we learned last round, long jokes rarely pay off." "It takes too long to get there, and there was no gas station in between." "I will say it's the first time " " I saw you dazed." "I think it's the first concussion I've seen in a roast battle." "Because, by that last joke, you looked a little spun out." "But he's got great jokes, and I will say, he's very good." "Jimmy, but I think, with the clipboard, you did sort of a roast-battle trick, Jeff, where you cram three jokes in on your one-joke turn." "Well, I think, for the most part, they were a single thought." "I really do." "And she kind of did the same style." "One of the reasons I thought they would be a good pairing tonight." "So it was sort of machine gun, back and forth." "So anyway, you do it by the total, and the total was I feel like it did lean towards Jimmy, but Christi, you had some good stuff there, and you stayed on your feet." "Thank you very much." "I liked that." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "I thought y'all was fucking with the voices in the beginning." "With the laugh, and the -- Jimmy: [ Laughs ]" "Yeah, that shit -- that shit had me." "It had me." "Let me -- before I go to them, what did y'all tell the black guy with no shirt that he had to do?" "Like, what is..." "What's in Jamar's contract?" "What did y'all fucking tell him?" "He's pulling shit out of people's ass and spitting it in the air." "Whatever they're paying you, I want to talk to you, 'cause this has to stop!" "Like, what's going on?" "I know that." "He's from Compton." "This is a bad time for that shit to be on TV, man." "Okay, like, and to the battle, man, I will say this." "Christi, first of all, I take my hat off to you." "You were undermanned, undermatched, okay, but you stuck with it." "Like David said, the jokes were long, but, you know, you still gave your all." "You didn't come out here and half-ass it." "So to come on the stage and give it 110%," "I fucking applaud you for that." "Jimmy..." "Thank you." "Tremendous skills." "Dude, Jimmy, you come off like a champion." "I mean, look, you were polished." "You look like this is where you belong." "You look like people should be afraid of you." "She should've been nervous." "The suit, the clipboard, the evil, devil-like laugh." "Like, all of that stuff, man, it played into one, dude." "So I take my hat off to you." "You looked like a Roastmaster champion today." "You deserve to win this round." "Brian:" "Straight up." "Jeff:" "Well said." "Well said, fellas." "Well said." "So clean sweep for Jimmy." "Big Papa Roach, what you got?" "I just think you have fucking tremendous balls for coming up here and doing this." "I think you're hilarious, Christi, but obviously, this is Jimmy Carr's night." "Thank you so much." "Thank you, Christi." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "Well." "Good job." "Kevin:" "Good job." "That's great." "For the first time in 250 years, U.K. beat America!" "Make it loud for Jimmy Carr!" "[ Cheers and applause ]" "Hug each other." "One more time." "Aww." "[ All chanting "battle" ]" "What a night!" "So much crazy shit happened tonight." "For those of you betting at home, here's the bracket." "In an awesome battle, Jimmy Carr beat Christi Chiello..." "[ Cheers and applause ] meaning he'll be facing Earl Skakel." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "Sam Morril knocked Steve Rannazzisi like one of the Twin Towers to move on to the next round, and faces Sarah Tiana in the quarterfinals on Saturday. check out the brackets, watch some highlights and the exclusive post-roast aftershow," "which starts right after this show." "We'll see you guys next time." "You guys have fun?" "[ Cheers and applause ]" "♪♪" "Jeff." "What's up, bud?" "Let's hear it from the judges." "What did you guys think tonight?" "Great judges." "Thank you, fellas." "Really appreciate it." "I had a blast." "This was my first time seeing it, so I got to enjoy the battle for what it actually was." "You know, the energy in the room." "You guys have a great crowd." "That makes it even that much more exciting, so, you know, nothing but success coming from me." "I wish y'all the best." "Jeff, you deserve it, dude." "Thank you." "Dave." "I don't agree." "[ Laughter ]" "No, it's a blast, being on the front lines and watch that." "Those guys are so fucking good." "You forget what's out there in the clubs." "Go support those comedy clubs and see all the funny people that you never see on TV." "And Spade on the Rob Lowe roast." "Oh, yeah." "I'm on the Rob Lowe roast." "Okay, tomorrow night, the the first round of the roast battle tournament continues." "We have eight new roasters, four new battles, and our guest judges are joke assassin Anthony Jeselnik..." "[ Cheers and applause ] ...Oscar winner Whoopi Goldberg." "Tune in tomorrow." "Same battle time, same battle channel." "Montreal, go nuts!" "[ Cheers and applause ]" "[ All chanting "battle" ]" "♪ We're getting ready for battle ♪" "♪ We're getting ready for battle ♪" "♪ Yeah, yeah" "♪ We're getting ready for battle ♪" "♪ We're getting ready for battle ♪" "♪ Yeah, come on" "♪ We're getting ready for battle ♪"