"NARRATOR:" "Greetings from Tromaville." "Let me take you back, back to where it all began... to a small town in New Jersey." "At that time, the Tromaville nuclear power plant had a horrifying meltdown, tainting the water supply of Tromaville High School, which was carelessly located right next door." "Heinous mutations occurred, transforming the student body into radiated creatures and cretins." "Well, not every student turned evil." "Our heroes Warren and Chrissy saved the day by blowing up the nuclear power plant and the school therein, eliminating evil and setting things back to normal." "Oh, and some other stuff also happened." "But today, since criticizing nuclear power is no longer in vogue, at least in movies, the Tromaville nuclear power plant has been bulldozed to make way for the environmentally friendly, health-conscious Tromorganic Foodstuffs Inc, built directly on top of the old nuclear plant." "What could go wrong?" "This is no typical remake." "I want you to join me as we "Return to Nuke 'Em High"!" "Oh, by the way, excelsior!" "♪ Nuke 'Em High ♪" "♪ Nuke 'Em High ♪" "♪ The sun comes up, a brand-new day ♪" "♪ The student body, time to pray ♪" "♪ They take that test, they concentrate ♪" "♪ 'Cause no one wants to be a waste ♪" "♪ But outside of ♪" "♪ The classroom walls ♪" "♪ The Geiger counter ♪" "♪ Tells it all ♪" "♪ Can't see or feel or smell or taste ♪" "♪ The remnants of the nuclear waste ♪" "♪ I just ♪" "♪ Really want to know ♪" "♪ I just ♪" "♪ Really want to know ♪" "♪ What's going on ♪" "♪ At Nuke 'Em High?" "♪" "♪ What's going on ♪" "♪ At Nuke 'Em High?" "♪" "♪ What's going on ♪" "♪ At Nuke 'Em High?" "♪" "♪ What's going on... ♪" "(MAN AND WOMAN MOANING)" "♪ At Nuke 'Em High?" "♪" "WOMAN:" "That's hot." "(SCREECHING)" "Your wiener feels like it's flopping around like a fish without oxygen." "You're fishing with John, baby." "Your name's John?" "No, it's Gil, but whatevs." "OMG, fuck me with your fish dick, Gil!" "Oh!" "Something's got me." " I got you, baby." " No, no." "Your box... it's biting me." "Whatever you're doing, it's getting me hot." "No, don't stop." "(BOTH SCREAMING)" "(SCREAMING)" "(SCREAMING)" "What kind of god...?" "(JANITOR SINGING) ♪ Nuke 'Em High ♪" "♪ What's going on ♪" "♪ At Nuke 'Em High?" "♪" "Eh." "(COW MOOING)" "(FACTORY WHISTLE BLOWS)" "♪ Stack some medals, don't make a fuss ♪" "♪ Forget about the two of us... ♪" "(DEVICE BLEEPING)" "♪ We're off to war ♪" " ♪ Doesn't matter if you'll agree ♪" " MAN:" "Hi." "Hi." "♪ You're here to kill, you see... ♪" "(MAN OVER SPEAKERS) Attention, Tromorganic employees, please stop dancing and acting goofy." "President and CEO Herzkauf will be making his inspection shortly." "♪ And do your best... ♪" " (MAN FARTS) - ♪ Stick some bayonets ♪" "♪ In some chests... ♪" "Now look, laddie, I want my ultracheap foodstuffs in every school in New Jersey at inflated prices." "That is the basis of our plan, and you know it." "No fast-food place will take my food anymore." "Hmm?" "(SCREAMS)" "God damn it!" "Now you... you, Westly, as principal of the guinea pig charter school..." " Sir, the president's on the line!" " Give me that." "Oh!" "Why do you do that?" "Yes, Mr. President." " Disconnected." " I'll get him back!" "Now what is all this about a rogue student blog, Pollution Nerdz, talking about my foodstuffs contaminating the groundwater and poisoning the students?" "It's slanderous." "And it may be true." "If word got out, we'd be ruined." "I got him back!" "(ARNOLD GASPS)" "I'm going to... give me that." "Give me that." "Yes, Mr. President." "Oh, everything is just going beautifully... beautifully." "Look, there's..." "there's always gonna... (HERZKAUF GURGLING)" "There's always gonna be a Zuckerberg in every school." "Everything's fine." "Yes." "And I'll see you in Havana." "Yeah, I'll get the hookers." "Don't bring Michelle." " Something wrong, boss?" " Everything is fine." "You just pay attention to that slogan the spinmasters gave us:" ""Propagation is health." "Propagation is health."" "And make sure... make sure those students at Tromaville High School are loving it!" "Are loving it!" " Oh, man." " What do you want?" "This Plasti taco mix foodstuff don't look right, boss." "Well, you want to go green, don't you?" "It looks green to me." "(LAUGHING LOUDLY)" "Get over here, you bastard." "Give me my milk." "Give me that." "Give me that." "Ah!" "(WOLF HOWLING)" "(MOANING)" "♪ You were 17... ♪" "(GRUNTING)" "(YELLING)" "Do I look ripped, babe?" "Oh, yeah." " (EUGENE PANTING)" " Yeah." "Oh-ho-ho-ho." "What's he gonna do?" " What's he gonna do?" " What's he gonna do?" " Ohh-hh." " Ohh-hh." "(EUGENE MOANING)" "Uh, Eugene." "Eugene." "Uh, Eugene." "Eugene." "Eugene!" "(GASPS) What is it?" "Uh, it's that time of the month and it's a horror movie down there, so..." "Again?" "That's what you said last week." "You know, I have toxic shock syndrome from all the tampons." "And I got a headache, so..." "Look, Chrissy," "I think you're super sexy in a butch kind of way, which is weird, because what does that say about me?" "But we've been talking about having sweet, sweaty, dirty, kinky, really weird, fucked-up teenage sex in my big, blue, white-cream-leather-seat El Dorado for months now and this is all I get?" "You have to be kidding me!" "(SCREAMS)" "(PANTING)" "At least you broads won't let me down." "(GRUNTING)" "Oh, I really need to get another subscription." "(GRUNTING)" "(GROANING)" "Argh!" "Oh, you're missing out." "You're really missing out." "You have no idea." "Argh!" "Look out, Tromaville High." "Here comes the new girl." "Oh." "(GRUNTING)" "Hey, new girl, look at these titties." "They're bigger than yours." "You want to go to the prom with me?" "Where you going?" "What's her deal?" "I don't know, but she is hot." "She's a rich bitch." "How the fuck would you know, micro phallus?" "(WESTLY OVER SPEAKERS) Attention, students." "Please empty all items into the plastic tray before passing through the metal detector." "We've gone three days without a shooting." "Let's keep it up." "Come on." "She lives in Tromaville Heights." "My dad sold her family their McMansion, kind of like the one you live in," "Marilyn McManson." "(SNAPS FINGERS)" "You twat." "Thank God for Zoloft and thrift stores." "Would you pull this, please?" "(GRUNTING)" "Please, please, please, let go, let go, let go." "Come on, guys, let's go." " Oh." " (ALARM PULSING)" "(DEVICE BEEPING)" "(WHIMPERS)" "The pope retired." "(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)" "Fuck you." " (GRUNTS)" " Oh." "I am so sorry." "I really didn't..." "A brownnosing little rich girl late for intramural Ping-Pong?" "Ping-Pong is on Wednesdays." "Today is Monday." "I am right about one thing, though, Miley Cyrus:" "you are a brownnosing little rich girl." "Looks like Mommy and Daddy won't be able to save you from a beating this time." "You know what?" "Some of us actually have plans for our future that don't involve binge drinking, trailer parks or food stamps." " Ow!" "Fuck!" " (BOYS LAUGHING)" "I'm gonna get you, rich girl." "Ow." "(DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES)" "LAUREN:" "Kevin, I'm home!" "(QUACKING)" "I love you, Kevin." "I know you'll never leave me." "(MUSIC PLAYING)" "(LAUREN QUACKS)" "It's great being rich and having a duck as a pet." "(INSECTS CHIRPING)" "(QUACKING)" "CHRISSY:" "Okay, time to check my blog and see how many eyes I've opened up with my investigation of Tromorganic Farms." "OMG!" "18 whole page views." "18 people have checked in." "What a month." "I'll need more bandwidth." "Here are some exclusive photos from member" "Deeper Throat." "Not only does Tromorganics secretly mix in what appears to be sweetened wallpaper paste, but the contaminated groundwater is everywhere." "(YAWNING) The contaminated... contamination... um..." "Cyber malaise." "Tiredness." "Horniness." "Where is that one site with that chick that looks like Angelina Jolie in "Gia"?" "Jackpot." "All aboard the skin boat to tuna town." " (MOANING) - ♪ Vagina, vagina ♪" "♪ Vagina in the sky ♪" "♪ Vagina, vagina ♪" "♪ Vagina in the sky... ♪" " (MOANING LOUDER) - ♪ Vagina ♪" "♪ In the sky, now every night... ♪" "Is everything okay in here, dear?" "I heard crying." "Yeah, Aunt Bee." "I'm just feeling a little..." "Sad about being an orphan?" "Now that you mention it." "No, that's not it." "I bet I know what it is." " You do?" " Well, of course I do." "Don't worry, honey." "Someday you'll find the right boy." "(CHUCKLES) The right boy, yeah." "And don't you worry, he won't be some deadbeat goat sucker like your stinking father, that twat." "What's that?" "Looks like foreshadowing?" "Dinner's at 7:00." "It's tuna." "Please, God, get me out of this Tromaville hole." "Ugh." "(BIRDS CHIRPING)" "(YAWNS)" "(FARTS)" "Nooo!" "Kevin." "Kevin." "No." "Macaroni." "♪ I'm calling ♪" "♪ But no one will be hearing... ♪" "(WESTLY OVER SPEAKERS) Attention, students, due to a recent outbreak of jock itch and rectal rashes," "Coach Sandusky would like all members of the boys' wrestling team to surrender their jockstraps to him immediately." "(PLAYING AND SINGING OUT OF TUNE) ♪ Amazing ♪" "♪ Grace... ♪" "♪ How sweet... ♪" "Attention, students." "Now I know you're all looking forward to today's luncheon" "Super Duper Taco Tuesday Spectacular, but it's come to my attention that there's a blogger out there by the name of Lettuce Lover 69 and they run the blog called Pollution Nerdz." "I have checked in on this Pollution Nerdz blog 18 times this month." "Now this blog is spreading a lot of slanderous lies about Tromaville High and Tromorganic Foodstuffs Inc." "They also have a very bad attitude towards conservative principles in general." "(SOBS) Leave Ronald Reagan alone." " (BLOWS WHISTLE) - (GIRLS GIGGLING)" "Now I'm all for free speech." "Otherwise why would I put out these thought-inhibiting announcements every morning?" "But these lies about contaminated, cheap and 98% Plasti filler tainted foodstuffs are just malarkey." "Have you seen my duck?" "His name is Kevin." "(SNICKERS)" "Oh." "LAUREN:" "Have you seen my missing duck?" "SANDUSKY:" "Can a duck fill you up like Jesus?" "What kind of god allows an innocent duck to go missing?" "Hey, there's that snotty rich girl." "I think she really likes me." " Hey, Twinkie." " Hey!" "Ah!" "What a rich, stuck-up bitch." "Why won't anyone go out with me?" "Yo, did you hear Principal Westly's announcement?" "Are you gonna take down Pollution Nerdz?" "Yo, Jeraldo!" "Caw-caw!" "Caw-caw!" "Uh, would Gertrude Stein take down her blog?" "Hell, no." "So I stay full steam ahead with Pollution Nerdz and let's sally forth." "Gertrude Stein was a rich slacker bullshitter and her so-called poetry stunk." "And please don't even go there with Sally Forth... another sexually repressed white American soccer mom who had boring adventures at work and at home with no vibrator." "You deserve your own PBS special." " You know what you deserve?" " What's that, Henry Gates?" "Two feet shoved up your fucking..." "Guys, my mom made me a juicy roast beef sammich with dipping sauce..." "dipping sauce." "You heard what he said, guys... dipping sauce." "You know what that means, right?" "Yeah, and I can feel my blood sugar dipping right now." " I want to eat it." " Let's go." "It's cheaper than monkey shit, and these kids can't get enough of it in their gullet." "BOY:" "Hey, what's that green stuff in the gluten-free tacos for Terrance, the glee club, and the other nerds?" "BOY 2:" "Oh, that?" "That's just nonchemically polluted guacamole." "BOY 1:" "Wait, why did you mention they were nonchemically polluted?" "BOY 2:" "Uh, no reason." "BOY 1:" "Eh, whatever." "I'm hungry." "(CRUNCHING)" "GIRL:" "Hey, Terrance!" "How's that green, gluten-free, nonchemically polluted taco?" "♪ Maybe we need ♪" "♪ A different city ♪" "♪ Maybe we need ♪" "♪ A different town ♪" "♪ Maybe we need ♪" "♪ A different city ♪" "♪ Maybe we need ♪" "♪ A different town. ♪" "Hi, guys." "Mind if I sit here?" "No." "Oh, my God." "(MAN FARTS)" "Hi." "I'm Lauren." " (GUNFIRE) - (STUDENTS SCREAMING)" "Don't worry, it's just another school shooting." "CNN won't even cover them anymore." "You can chill." "Wow, rich girl ain't fucking around." "Where did you get your lunch box..." "Tiffany's?" "(LAUGHING)" "Hey, you guys." "I heard about this sick party/rave in one of Tromaville's 356 foreclosed houses." "You all should come." "That sick party/rave happens to be happening in my foreclosed house, thank you very much." "But it's only a small gathering, so please keep it on the down low." "Gross." "Guys, guys, what with exams coming up and whatnot, a blowout party/rave is just what Eugene needs!" "Great." "I'm so happy for Eugene, who refers to himself in the third person and will finally be able to blow off some steam at my expense." "I actually heard on NPR that the stress of studying for exams and getting into a good college is actually worse than the stress our soldiers face in Afghanistan." " (SNICKERS)" " The next time your car gets blown up by an IED or you're forced to bag the bodies of children killed by a suicide bomber, you tell me if that stress is greater than getting into Hobart." " (CHRISSY SNAPS FINGERS)" " STUDENTS:" "Oh!" "Wow, Slater, you have family members in Afghanistan?" "No." "But I did illegally download "The Hurt Locker"" "and got sued by the filmmakers." "You see, Lauren, now that's stress." "Look at this bitch and her Jap food." "(BOY GIGGLING)" "Miso soup, me so hungry." "(LAUREN GRUNTING)" "Get away from me, you bully." "(SLOWED DOWN) I am so, so sorry." "(STUDENTS CHANTING) Fight, fight, fight, fight!" "LAUREN:" "What are you doing?" "Punch her uterus!" "(SHRIEKS)" "Stop!" "That's enough." "You are both going to detention after school today." "That's it." "Get out." " I'm gonna get you, rich girl." " Shut it!" "Get up." "(SNARLS)" "Uh, Lauren, hi." "Uh, my name is Zac." " Let me help you with that." " No, I got it." "I just..." "I was wondering if sometime maybe you would want to come over and we could watch Joel Schumacher's "Batman and Robin."" "Or maybe you're more of a "Transformers" girl." "They're more than meets the eye." "As long as it's not one of those god-awful "Star Wars" prequels, we're all good." "Zac, that's really nice and everything, but..." " It's 'cause I'm fat, right?" " No." " A lard-ass, right?" " No." "To you, I'm just a jelly roll, jizz dwarf, snatch badger, ass troll who eats donuts and cakes and Twinkies and pies with his fat, fat, fatty-fat piehole, right?" "What?" "What do all those words even mean?" "Or maybe... maybe you don't even like boys at all." "No." "No, it's because you smell like roast beef." "(ZAC WHIMPERING)" "Shh." "Shh." "Shh." " Shh, shh." "It's okay." "It's okay." " (ZAC CONTINUES WHIMPERING)" "Guys, guys, guys." "We like that smell, right?" " Roast beef?" " No, he smells like shit." "You shouldn't have said "Batman and Robin," man." "It's "Batman Forever." "Batman Forever," baby." "(MOANING)" "(GAGGING)" "Help." "Help." "(GRUNTING)" "BOY:" "Whoa." "(SCREAMING)" "Goddamn diabetic kids." "You're out of your mind." "I love Justin Bieber." "Justin Bieber is the best." "TERRANCE:" "Whoa." "Whoa." "Whoa." "Whoa." "Whoa!" "GIRL:" "Come on, guys." "This is awesome." "Come on." "(SCREAMING)" "SANDUSKY:" "What in the name of Christ is going on here?" "Look, I love Justin Bieber." " (STUDENTS SCREAMING) - (JIGGLES LAUGHING)" "No!" "Why?" " (CELL PHONES CLICKING)" " OMG, this picture will totally get me at least six more forwards on Instagram." "This is so going on my blog." "I'm just waiting for Myspace to come back." "WESTLY:" "Stop, everyone!" "Step back, come on." "This is a horrible accident." "Step back now." "Step back." "Give him his dignity." "Is there a doctor in the house?" "(POPS)" "Scratch that." "Is there a janitor in the house?" "Now it's a well-known fact that this student was a smoker of the marijuana." "And I'm willing to bet that his dental records will prove he was a drama student." "And the smoking of ganja has been known to cause cranial explosions and this type of thing in overly dramatic students." "What?" "Wait, wait." "Actually, I've just been informed that we've all witnessed here is in fact a drama department's latest venture." "It's a remake of Arthur Miller's classic "Death of a Salesman"" "as imagined by Christopher Nolan." "So nothing to see here." "Everyone back to class." "BOY:" "Hey, watch it." "Why are you bullying me?" "What have I ever done to you?" "Bullying?" "You think I'm a bully?" "You want to know why?" "Because people like you have it so easy." "Poor little rich girl never had to work a day in her life while I can barely afford lunch." "It makes me sick." "So fuck you." "Why don't you stick your silver chopstick up your bento box?" "You don't know me." "And I don't own any silver chopsticks." "What's with the skinless Furbies?" "I like babies." "I want to have a lot of them one day." "Only fame-whore teen moms who want to be on MTV, rich kids and drooling idiots want to have babies." "That's it, Chrissy Goldberg." "To the principal's office, now." "But Westly said if I show up one more time this year, he'll suspend me." "Wait, Miss Bliss, it was me." "I was the one who was talking." "I'm new here and I don't know too many people, so I just..." "Well, all right." "Just sit down and shut up." "Okay." "No more talking." "That was stupid, rich girl." "The new girl has beautiful hair." "What did you say?" "Uh, I said old Westly looks like a fat-ass bear." "(LAUGHING)" "Your jokes make me so hot." "We should totally bang tonight." "(SHRIEKS)" "Taco Tuesday was a huge success." "But, unfortunately, we also suffered a horrible tragedy." "We all loved and respected little" "Timmy..." "Tommy..." "Terrance Horowitz, I don't know." "But like Mama Cass from The Mamas and the Papas who choked to death on a ham sandwich, this unfortunate kid, whatever his name was, suffered the same accidental fate." "Now I can't stress enough the word "accidental" there." "No!" "'Twas those terrible Tuesday Tacos that tragically transformed Terrance." "Nice alliteration, yo." "Don't you people see?" "It was the food!" "Get him out." "Get him out." " Security." "Out." " No." " No." "No." " Get him out of here." " No!" " (GIRL EXCLAIMING)" "No." "No!" ""The Class of Nuke 'Em High" was an inside job!" "You've got the wrong person, you blind bozo." "Now I would like to further eulogize our decapitated comrade in education by having our lovely glee club come out to sing a song." "(STUDENTS BOOING)" "You know, Patrick, the glee club isn't as gay as it used to be, thanks to the Fox Network." "Head explod... head exploding is a serious problem, y'all." "And we're here to talk about it." "So if you're worried, don't be, 'cause we are too." "Three, four..." " (OUT OF TUNE) ♪ Amazing... ♪ - (STUDENTS BOOING)" "♪ Grace ♪" " ♪ How sweet... ♪" " GIRL:" "This sucks." "♪ The sound ♪" " ♪ That saved... ♪" " GIRL:" "Get off the stage!" "♪ A wretch ♪" "♪ Like me ♪" "♪ I once ♪" "♪ Was lost ♪" "♪ But now ♪" "♪ I'm found ♪" "♪ Was blind... ♪" "(CRUNCHING)" "♪ But now ♪" " ♪ I see. ♪" " I see!" "(SCREAMING)" "(GASPS)" "Oh!" "(CHEERING)" "Yeah!" "(GROWLS)" "(SHRIEKS)" "GIRL:" "Oh, my God, the glee club is bulimic!" "(ROARING)" "(SCREAMING)" "(ROARING)" "(SCREAMING)" "(GROANING)" "Ah!" "Hey, wait up." "Do you guys notice anything different?" "Whoa, we've mutated." "And my wheelchair has illogically mutated too." "And I think I can feel my legs." "No, never mind." "Still a cripple." "Oh, snap." "Kick-fucking-ass!" " Yeah." " (ALL ROARING)" "Whoa." "(CACKLES)" "Come on." "(LAUGHING)" "♪ Stack some medals ♪" " ♪ Don't make a fuss... ♪ - (GUNSHOTS)" "♪ Forget about the... ♪" "(TIRES SCREECH)" "(GIRL SCREAMS)" "These jugglers are fucking nuts." "(GUNSHOTS)" " (AIR HISSES) - (ALL SCREAMING)" "(SCREAMING)" "(TAKES A BREATH)" "(CONTINUES SCREAMING)" "(SCREAMING STOPS)" "We're alive." "It's a motherfucking miracle." "(GUNSHOT)" "(LAUGHING)" "(DOG BARKS, FARTS)" " What kind of a god allows me..." " (QUACKS) on this crappy teacher's salary to be forced to live out of my car?" "What kind of a god are you?" "I'd even take a shoebox apartment, even if it is in Tromaville crack town." " (TIRES SCREECH)" " CRETINS:" "Whoo!" "Uh-oh." "ALL:" "Hey, Mrs. Crabtree." "(SCREAMING)" "♪ Sweet Adeline ♪" "♪ Sweet Adeline... ♪" "ADELINE:" "Your singing is terrible." "♪ My Adeline ♪" "♪ My Adeline... ♪" "♪ At night, dear heart ♪" "♪ At night, dear heart... ♪" "♪ For you I pine ♪" "♪ For you I pine... ♪" "(CONTINUES SCREAMING)" " Hey, Mrs. Crabtree." " Huh?" "You know, when I was a kid, all the kids used to tease me, call me a cripple." "Yeah, yeah." "Now I'm the only one I know that can run a quarter mile each day on their arms!" "Do it." " (QUACKS) - (ADELINE SCREAMS)" "Oh, snap." "(LAUGHS)" "Oh, my God, I'm hard..." "(SPITS) for the first time." "Oh." " Oh, my God." " (PUMPING)" "Oh, my God, I'm hard." "Oh, God!" "(LAUGHING)" " Ein..." " (QUACKS) zwei, drei!" "(SCREAMS)" "(SPLASHES)" "Oh, snap." "(ROARS)" "(LAUGHS) Come on, come on." "Ichi, ni, san!" "(DOG WHINING)" "(LAUGHING)" "KEVIN:" "What the fuck?" "Hey!" " Let's go shoot up a movie theater." " Yeah." "(QUACKING)" "(FARTS)" "LAUREN:" "Kevin!" "(KEVIN QUACKS)" " Kevin!" " (KEVIN QUACKING)" "Kevin, where are you?" "(KEVIN QUACKING)" "Kevin!" "(KEVIN QUACKING)" "Kevin." "Oh." "Oh, don't you ever, ever, ever do that again." "Do you hear me?" "I was so worried about you." "It's okay." "It's okay." " Mommy's here now." " (KEVIN FARTS)" "Oh, poor baby, what's all over your beak?" "(KEVIN QUACKS)" " (CRETINS GRUNTING) - (MOTOR REVVING)" "(KEVIN QUACKING)" "(CRETINS LAUGH)" " ♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪" " KEVIN: ♪ Quack ♪" "♪ One little, two little, three little ducklings ♪" "♪ Four little, five little, six little ducklings ♪" "♪ Seven little, eight little, nine little ducklings ♪" " ♪ Ten little tiny ducks. ♪" " Give him back." "Please give me my duck back." "Please give me my duck back." "Oh, for a kiss, I will." "I'd just as soon kiss a duck." "I can arrange that." "(SCREAMING)" "Oh, no, no." "Please, no." " ALL:" "Duck rape!" " (LAUGHING)" " Give me the duck." " Duck rape!" "Smile for the birdie." " Duck rape." " (KEVIN QUACKING)" "(LAUGHING)" "Loser." "Loser." "(SCREAMING)" "(KEVIN QUACKING)" "I'm sorry." "(COCKS GUN)" "If you guys were tough, you wouldn't need weapons." " (MUFFLED SCREAMS) - (MUFFLED QUACKING)" "Sorry, I'm kind of busy right now." "Whoa." "Sorry, duck down throat is not covered under Obamacare." "Ugh." "(SHOP BELL DINGS)" "(LAUREN WHIMPERING)" " (SCREAMS) - (KEVIN QUACKS)" " (GONG SOUNDS) - (KEVIN QUACKING)" "GIRLS:" "Ooh." "(LAUREN MUMBLING)" "Uh, I'm still busy." "Ooh!" "♪ Gonna kill myself tonight, oh, yeah ♪" " ♪ Kill myself tonight, all right. ♪ - (LAUREN SCREAMING)" "Shit." "(TIRES SCREECH)" " Hey." " (HONKING HORN)" "Why did the chick with a duck in her mouth cross the road?" "Get in, foul mouth." "What, is this some kind of political statement, rich girl?" " (MUMBLING)" " Really?" "Really?" " God damn." " (MUMBLING)" "Oh, whatever, I owe you one." "That bird in your mouth really brings out your eyes." "All right, welcome." "Okay, um... eww." "(KEVIN QUACKING)" "(GRUNTING)" " (MUFFLED SCREAMING)" " Oh." "What?" "(BOTH GRUNTING)" "(FARTS)" " Oh!" " (KEVIN QUACKS)" "Ugh." " I..." " Oh, I..." "Come on, we'll just go relax." "Aw." " (KEVIN QUACKING)" " Hi, Kevin." "(QUACKS)" " (SCREAMS) - (KEVIN LAUGHING)" " Huh?" " Huh?" "Damn duck must have got into some bath salts." "Thank you." "Yeah, whatever." "So..." "I'm going to this party tonight and..." "Oh, I should go, let you get ready." "Uh, rich girl... do you want to go?" "(BOTH GIGGLE)" "(CROWD CHEERING)" "(BOTH BELCH)" "♪ I got a call from the other side today ♪" "♪ When he hung up the phone, I forgot to hear what he had to say... ♪" "Really?" "Does this look like a garbage dump to you?" "Chrissy." "Some assholes posted my address on Facebook." "Now look." "I think it was the producers of "The Hurt Locker."" "They had my IP address." "I know it." "Uh-huh." "Slater, you remember Lauren?" "Yeah." "Aloha." "Didn't you guys hate each other, like, eight hours ago?" "Uh, don't you want to get rid of the social hand grenades?" "Whoa!" "Us black people can't get enough white pussy, and I'm just saying that my chances might be pretty solid if I get a white girl drunk enough." "MAN:" "Yo, Slater, the donkey took a huge shit in the bathtub." "I gotta go." "♪ Do you hang up the phone and do you lay it to rest... ♪" " Feeling better?" " Yeah, much." "Thanks." "I needed to get my mind off that, you know, duck rape." "(PHONE CHIMES)" "Eugene just broke up with me." "Oh, no." "I'm so sorry." "Over a text?" "Yeah." "He's an idiot." "He didn't even finish the message." "(GAGGING)" "Eww." " Let's dance." " Okay." "♪ This is the last song ♪" "♪ I'll ever write ♪" "♪ Gonna kill myself tonight ♪" "♪ Gonna kill myself tonight ♪" "♪ This is the last song ♪" "♪ I'll ever write ♪" "♪ Gonna kill myself tonight ♪" "♪ This is the last song ♪" "♪ I'll ever write ♪" "♪ Gonna kill myself tonight ♪" "♪ I'm gonna kill myself tonight ♪" "♪ This is the last song ♪" "♪ I'll ever write ♪" "♪ Gonna kill myself tonight ♪" "♪ I'm gonna kill myself tonight ♪" "♪ This is the last song ♪" "♪ I'll ever write ♪" "♪ Gonna kill myself tonight ♪" "♪ I'm gonna kill myself tonight ♪" "♪ This is the last song ♪" "♪ I'll ever write ♪" "♪ Gonna kill myself tonight ♪" "♪ I'm gonna kill myself tonight ♪" "♪ Gonna kill myself, gonna kill myself ♪" "♪ Gonna kill myself tonight ♪" "♪ I'm gonna kill myself ♪" "♪ Gonna kill myself ♪" "♪ Gonna kill myself tonight ♪" "♪ This is the last song ♪" "♪ I'll ever write ♪" "♪ Gonna kill myself tonight ♪" "♪ I'm gonna kill myself tonight ♪" "♪ This is the last song ♪" "♪ I'll ever write ♪" "♪ Gonna kill myself tonight ♪" "♪ I'm gonna kill myself tonight ♪" "♪ This is the last song ♪" "♪ I'll ever write ♪" "♪ Gonna kill myself tonight ♪" "♪ I'm gonna kill myself tonight ♪" "♪ This is the last song ♪" "♪ I'll ever write ♪" "♪ Gonna kill myself tonight ♪" "♪ I'm gonna kill myself tonight ♪" "♪ This is the last song ♪" "♪ I'll ever write ♪" "♪ Gonna kill myself tonight ♪" "♪ I'm gonna kill myself tonight ♪" "♪ This is... ♪" "(VOCALIZING)" "(DISTANT MUSIC CONTINUES)" "LAUREN:" "So this room is a little prewar, right?" "(COUGHING)" "♪ I'm calling ♪" "♪ But no one ♪" "♪ Will be hearing ♪" "♪ I'm laughing ♪" "♪ But I cannot be heard ♪" "♪ I'm crying ♪" "♪ But no one will be drying ♪" "♪ These tears that fall ♪" "♪ So how do we ever ♪" "♪ Face a thousand violins?" "♪" "♪ And how do we ever ♪" " ♪ Even start to begin?" "♪ - (MOANING)" "♪ It's raining ♪" "♪ Without a sign of stopping ♪" " ♪ It's sunny... ♪ - (MOANING)" "♪ But no one's getting warm ♪" "♪ In heaven ♪" "♪ The harps have all been broken... ♪" "(SQUEALS) I think I'm coming." "Oh, I'm coming." "I think I'm coming." "(MOANS)" " ♪ So how do we ever... ♪ - (LAUREN MOANING)" "♪ Face a thousand ♪" " ♪ Violins?" "♪" " Ugh." "♪ And how do we ever ♪" " ♪ Even start... ♪" " Mm." " ♪ To begin?" "♪" " Mm, yeah." "Aww." "♪ All through the days ♪" "♪ Now faded away ♪" "♪ One thought remains... ♪" " Oh, faster." " ♪ One thought ♪" "♪ Does stay ♪" "♪ It haunts me still ♪" "♪ It will remain... ♪" " (MOANING) - ♪ I'm lost in wonder ♪" "♪ And I hear again ♪" "♪ Tell me how do we ever... ♪" "(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)" "(EUGENE IMITATES DRUMBEAT)" "Yo, yo, yo, my niggas, my jiggas, my wiggas," "Eugene the Machine has arrived and he feels alive!" "Now y'all give him five!" "(MUSIC STOPS)" "That's it?" "Nothing?" "Not even an impromptu dance number?" "Eugene needs a drink." "I used to smoke after sex." "Now I broccoli." "So what do we do now?" "Come out of the closet like Ellen?" "I think we should." "You can't even wear a hoodie and eat Skittles in this town without getting shot." "A hoodie?" "Are you saying being gay is worse than being black?" "No, I'm saying that in this town people think that LGBT stands for" ""lynch, grope, bully, torture."" "I'll stick with the closet, thanks." "(GRUNTS)" "Whoa, Eugene likes it rough." "Eugene needs some." "Yeah?" "You want to see this?" "Whoa." "(BOTH MOANING)" "I'm gonna show 'em to you, baby." "I'm gonna show you everything I got." "Baby, Eugene needs to see." "Oh." "Oh-ho-ho." "(LAUGHING)" "Oh, yeah." "Oh, baby, it's been a long time." "You've got no idea." "(ENGINE REVVING)" "(CRETINS LAUGHING)" " (CRETINS SNARLING) - (STUDENTS SCREAMING)" "Oh, snap." "Eugene can't wait." "Eugene ain't got more patience." "Eugene needs to feel this now." " Yeah?" "Are you gonna touch it?" " Yeah, I'm gonna touch it." "I'm gonna touch it." "I'm gonna touch it." "What you got?" "Oh, man." "Oh, man." "Oh, man!" "You really are a man!" "(SCREAMS)" "A Party. and we were not invited." "Donatello, let's give them a shot." "Yup." "Eugene is confused." "Malfunction." "Malfunction." "Machine shutdown." "(EUGENE LAUGHING)" "(LAUGHING)" "(CHEERING)" "Let's get out of here." "(SPEAKS JAPANESE)" "But I'm also saying that I've never felt this way before." "Me either." "It's the love that dare not speak its name." " This is hot." " Yeah, this is so hot." "No, like really hot." "Like, I'm burning up." "Wait, do you smell smoke?" " Fire!" " Fire!" "(SCREAMING)" "♪ The gigolo, the gigolo ♪" "♪ Is charging twice the price ♪" "♪ To the priest in holy orders who lives a life of vice ♪" "♪ He pleads for mercy, God says no ♪" "♪ Swing 'em high, swing 'em low ♪" "♪ The old lady's savings ♪" " ♪ Time do erode... ♪ - (COUGHING)" "♪ She can't pay for the heating... ♪" "It's okay." "I got my hat." "What kind of a god would turn a glee club into Cretins?" " (EXPLOSION)" " My house." "My house." "After-party at my place?" "I got pizza rolls in the freezer." " Pizza rolls?" " My house!" "My commemorative plates!" "Those fucking monsters!" "It's okay." "We'll put them in the oven right now... sausage, pepperoni, vegan..." "Will you shut up?" "I didn't even invite you!" "Those bastards." "They could have killed somebody." "(DISTANT SIREN WAILING)" "(BIRDS CHIRPING)" " (LAUREN MOANING) - (ROARS)" "(CHRISSY MUMBLING)" "(MOANING) I think I'm..." "(SCREAMS)" "(WHIMPERING)" "(SCREAMING)" "(SIGHS)" "♪ Jimmy was just coming out of school ♪" "♪ When the drug dealer came ♪" "♪ Give me some of that heroin ♪" "♪ Some of that cocaine ♪" "♪ Heroin, heroin and cocaine ♪" "♪ Heroin, heroin and cocaine... ♪" "Mm, mm." "(HOWLS)" "(MUSIC PLAYING)" "(LAUGHING)" "(HOWLING)" "Huh?" "♪ Good night, ladies ♪" "♪ Good night ♪" "♪ Ladies ♪" "♪ Good night, ladies ♪" "♪ We're going to leave you now ♪" "♪ Merrily we roll along ♪" "♪ Roll along, roll along ♪" "♪ Merrily we roll along ♪" "♪ Over the dark blue sea. ♪" "Look at these jerks." "They call themselves Cretins." "They look more like Glee-tins to me." " (ROARS) - (ROARS)" "Donatello, burn some rubber!" "Motherfuckers!" "(SCREAMING)" "(LAUGHS)" "Give me the duck." "You wouldn't hit a cripple, would you?" "Yeah, I would." "Hey, we was just kiddin'." "Duck rape is life-affirming." "It was on NPR." "Oh, well, this ain't about duck rape." "It's about dick rape." "No!" "No!" "(SCREAMING)" " Whoa!" " Oh, shit." "(SCREAMING)" "NARRATOR:" "Mother's body began to change too." "Time for the baby to leave the nest." "Something's about to burst, and it's not my water." " (CREATURE QUACKS)" " What the...?" "(SCREAMING)" "What the fuck?" "You stole my heart." "Don't take my heart." "Argh!" "(GIGGLES) Look at those cholesterol levels." "He should have went vegan." "CHRISSY:" "My dick is hungry." "Mm-hmm." "Please don't hurt us." "Wait, we're not with them." "We're just... we're just extras." "Yeah, that... that's it." "♪ Fuck mercy ♪" "♪ Fuck mercy. ♪" "(SIREN WAILING)" "GIRLS:" "Uh-oh, cops." " MAN:" "Yeah, suck that dick." " Oh, snap." "(DONATELLO SOBBING)" "(POLICE RADIO CHATTER)" "Yeah, suck that dirty, sleazy Cretin dick." " All right, that's enough." " The coppers?" "Fuck you, fucking cops." "I'm a victim, man." "I was born in Orange County." "Coddle me." "Hey." "What is with the youth of today?" "We're the youth of tomorrow." " (GUNSHOT) - (LAUGHING)" "(GUNSHOTS)" "♪ Hurrah, hurrah ♪" "♪ We'll give them a hearty welcome then ♪" "♪ Hurrah, hurrah ♪" "♪ The men will cheer and the boys will shout ♪" "♪ The ladies, they will all turn out ♪" "♪ And we'll all feel gay ♪" "♪ When Johnny comes marching home. ♪" "(VOCALIZING)" "(ROARS)" "I'm so pissed." "I need revenge." "I need an outlet for my anger." "Oh, snap." "Maybe we need some new blood." "Yes, but who?" "Excuse me." "Hi." "I have baked goods." "Hey. guys. what's the haps?" "(LAUGHING)" "(GROWLS)" "Hi." "I want to join your gang." "(LAUGHS)" "You think you got what it takes, lard-ass?" "I just want to belong." "Oh-ho." "(SPITS)" "Why don't you go get revenge on your two bitch-ass friends?" "And then we can see what we can do." "Lauren and Chrissy?" "Yeah, dipshit." "Got it?" "Go." "Go, go, go." " Oh, snap." " Go." "(ROARS)" "(LAUGHS)" "(WHIMPERING)" "That's why they call me Cigar Face." "(LAUGHING)" "Hey." "Hey, hey, hey, no laughing." "No laughing." "Now listen very carefully..." "very carefully." "Some of our innocent young glee club members from the high school have been savagely, savagely murdered." "And I'm hearing that the culprits are two women..." " Hmm?" " ...one of whom... one of whom has a giant penis." "Now I want you to go out and kill all women" " with giant penises." " Oh." "Do you understand?" "But that means every wife." "And mother-in-law in Tromaville." "That's the point." "Now go, kill all women with giant penises." "Sir, the president's wife is on the line." "She heard about your planned trip to Cuba." "She's really pissed." "Give me that." "I'm not making the mistake this time." "Yes, Mrs. President." "What?" "You're coming over here?" "You're coming... what time is it?" " Oh!" "Oh!" " Oh, my God." "(BOTH STAMMERING)" "Uh, listen, I..." "I knew it." "I blew it." "You've been with better." "Look, you don't have to tell me." "I know." "My vagina looks like a slab of roast beef." "And I don't douche as often as I should." "And I think I might have queefed in your mouth" " when you went down on me." " Oh, God, stop." "No." "Are you kidding me?" "It was the best night of my life." "Did you have any strange dreams?" "I had super weird dreams." "Holy shit, me too." "LAUREN:" "I'm still not sure if those were dreams." "CHRISSY:" "OMG, I was thinking the same exact thing." "LAUREN:" "We could be a lesbianic Jekyll and Hyde." "Wait, you queefed in my mouth?" "No, of course not." "(STUDENTS SCREAMING)" "(TIRES SCREECH)" "What is up, BFFs?" "STFU, Zac." "Check it." "An anonymous contributor to my blog," "Deeper Throat, sent me some crazy videos of what actually goes on at Tromorganic." "The "Tromorganic-Westly Conspiracy" has to have gone viral by now." "Holy shit." "Are those the missing Tromaville students?" "CHRISSY:" "Yeah, I know." "I didn't believe it myself." " Uh-huh." " KELLY:" "What is that?" "CHRISSY:" "Look at this part." "Look at this part." " (ALL EXCLAIMING)" " CHRISSY:" "Look what he's about to do." "It's so crazy." "They're being slaughtered, like Bambi's mother." " (SCHOOL BELL RINGS)" " Okay, guys, to be continued." "CRETIN:" "Oh, snap." " (CRETINS LAUGHS)" " LAUREN:" "Oh, shit." " CHRISSY:" "The Cretins are coming." " LAUREN:" "They're gonna sing again." "♪ Who taught me this?" "♪" "♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪" "♪ All around the mulberry bush ♪" "♪ The monkey chased the weasel ♪" "♪ The monkey thought it was all in fun... ♪" " (GUNSHOT) - ♪ Pop, goes the weasel. ♪" " (STUDENTS SCREAMING) - (GUNSHOTS)" "All right, well," " I gotta go to gym class." " Yeah." " So I'll catch you later?" " Uh-huh." "Okay, then." "See ya." " Bye." " Bye." "♪ I'm calling ♪" "♪ But no one will be... ♪" "(FARTS)" "NASA also gave us some pretty interesting derivatives of the space program:" "not just Tang..." "America's favorite breakfast drink, but there's the Challenger explosion of 1986..." "America's favorite shuttle disaster, and also... lasers!" "(IMITATES GUNFIRE)" "When the rubble cleared after the nuclear meltdown from the original "Class of Nuke 'Em High,"" "this laser was all that was left." "And, might I add, this laser is highly unstable." "But I'm sure it no longer works." "(HUMMING)" "(SCREAMS)" "Mother of fuck." "Let's go." "We'll never beat Amorville with that attitude." "(VIDEO GAMES BEEPING)" "Come on, work those thumbs." "What, are you a bunch of girls?" " (STOMACH GROWLING) - (LAUREN GROANING)" "Do you have a...?" "Sorry." "Okay, hit the showers." "(BLOWS WHISTLE)" "Lasers can also apparently blind." "Mr. Chips." "Mr. Chips." "(WHIMPERS)" "Can I have a pee-pee pass, please?" "Fine." "Fine, Zac, just go." "(WHIMPERS)" "Why don't these fucks in the ether believe my blog?" "What you got there, fucker?" "(LAUGHING)" "Hey, cunt, give it back." "Is that granny's douche bag or is that just you?" "Nice dicks, faggot." "Yeah." "Uh, Mr. Chips," "Mr. Chips, our Chrissy here is blogging in class." "Okay, you want your phone back?" "You want your phone back, you little dyke-tron?" "Go fucking get it." "(GROANS)" "You filthy little cunt." "(CHANTING) Fight, fight, fight, fight!" "You just fucked with the wrong postapocalyptic hell bitch." "(GRUNTING)" "(SCREAMING)" "Give me a break." "(SHRIEKS)" "(SCREAMING)" "Why?" "(SOBBING)" "(WHIMPERING)" "Why?" "Fucking middleman!" "(ROARS)" "Both of you, to the principal's office now." "She started it." "In that case, Chrissy Goldberg to the principal's office." "You've got to be kidding me." "MR. CHIPS:" "Now!" " Fucker." " Fuck you." "Fuck you." "Would one of you kind students please lead me to the eyewash station?" "Oh." "(LAUREN SCREAMS)" "(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)" "♪ What's going on ♪" "♪ At Nuke 'Em High?" "♪" "♪ What's going on ♪" "♪ At Nuke 'Em High?" "♪" "♪ What's going on ♪" "♪ At Nuke 'Em High?" "♪" "♪ What's going on ♪" "♪ At Nuke 'Em High?" "♪" "♪ Nuke 'Em High ♪" "♪ Nuke 'Em High, Nuke 'Em High ♪" "♪ Nuke 'Em High ♪" "♪ Evacuation, there's no need ♪" "♪ They say it's safe, but talk is cheap ♪" "♪ And as we all contaminate ♪" "♪ It's ignorance that seals our fate ♪" "♪ I just ♪" "♪ Really want to know ♪" "♪ I just ♪" "♪ Really want to know ♪" "♪ What's going on ♪" "♪ At Nuke 'Em High?" "♪" "♪ What's going on ♪" "♪ At Nuke 'Em High?" "♪" "♪ What's going on ♪" "♪ At Nuke 'Em High?" "♪" "♪ What's going on ♪" "♪ At Nuke 'Em High?" "♪" "♪ I just ♪" "♪ Really want to know ♪" "♪ I just ♪" "♪ Really want to know, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪" "♪ What's going on ♪" "♪ At Nuke 'Em High?" "♪" "♪ What's going on ♪" "♪ At Nuke 'Em High?" "♪" "♪ What's going on ♪" "♪ At Nuke 'Em High?" "♪" "♪ What's going on ♪" "♪ At Nuke 'Em ♪" "♪ High?" "♪" "(MUSIC PLAYING)" "♪ I just moved to town ♪" "♪ Everyone brings me down ♪" "♪ All I had was my duck ♪" "♪ But he ran away ♪" "♪ What else can I say?" "♪" "♪ I guess I'll just turn gay ♪" "♪ With a girl who treats me bad ♪" "♪ It's because she don't have a dad ♪" "♪ I sure hope I'm not giving the plot away. ♪" "(MUSIC PLAYING)" "♪ And so your life's been a success ♪" "♪ And you have pleasure in excess ♪" "♪ Don't worry, it will all end soon ♪" "♪ The crack of doom is coming soon ♪" "♪ And so your future's looking bright ♪" "♪ And you've reached the giddy heights ♪" "♪ Don't worry ♪" "♪ It will soon end ♪" "♪ It is all shallow and pretend ♪" "♪ The crack of doom is coming soon ♪" "♪ The crack of doom ♪" "♪ Is coming soon ♪" "♪ Ha, ha, ha ♪" "♪ Ha, ha, ha, ha ♪" "♪ Ha ♪" "♪ And so your life ♪" "♪ Your life has failed ♪" "♪ You've made the progress of a snail ♪" "♪ Don't worry, you'll get your revenge ♪" "♪ For we're all equal in the end ♪" "♪ The small and mighty all the same ♪" "♪ This life a shallow, facile game ♪" "♪ Where every empire turns to dust ♪" "♪ And every ego will be crushed ♪" "♪ The crack of doom is coming soon ♪" "♪ The crack of doom is coming soon ♪" "♪ Ha, ha, ha ♪" "♪ Ha, ha, ha, ha ♪" "♪ Ha, ha, ha ♪" "♪ Ha, ha, ha, ha ♪" "♪ Ha, ha, ha ♪" "♪ Ha, ha, ha, ha ♪" "♪ Ha, ha, ha ♪" "♪ And every dream, hope and desire ♪" "♪ Is just a flicker in the fire ♪" "♪ And the fire, it will consume ♪" "♪ The crack of doom is coming soon ♪" "♪ The crack of doom is coming soon ♪" "♪ The crack of doom is coming soon ♪" "♪ The crack of doom is coming soon ♪" "♪ The crack of doom is coming soon ♪" "♪ The crack of doom is coming soon ♪" "♪ The crack of doom is coming soon ♪" "♪ The crack of doom is coming soon ♪" "♪ The crack of doom ♪"