" Christmas." " Yeah, that time of year again." "You know, it's my favourite time of the year." "I love it." "I know what you mean." "It's like the whole world takes on a kind of a glow, you know?" "Like everything you see and hear, taste and smell says it's a very special season." "A kind of season to maybe just take a little time, show a little love for everybody, to all your fellow men because it's Christmas." "Hey!" "Hey, you jerk, what do you think you're doing here?" "What--?" "You don't own the road, part of it's mine." "Hey, hey, Mark, Mark, Mark." " What?" " Christmas, remember?" "I know that." "Excuse me, I'm looking for Mr. Burke, we're the temps." "The temps." "Great, there is a God in heaven." "Come on in." "Thank you." "Hi, I'm Paul Burke." "This is my junior partner, Matty Burke." "How you doing?" "I'm Jonathan Smith, this is Mark Gordon." " Here's our résumés." " Smith, Gordon." "Smith, you're the attorney and, Gordon, you're the investigator." "Fifteen years, Oakland P.D." "The last three years, you've been freelancing" " in Human Resource Development?" " Yeah." "Been a while since you practised law, Smith?" "Yeah, it's been a while." "How are you on Santa Claus?" " Santa Claus?" " Yeah." "I wanna take Matty down to Newman's to meet the fat man, you know what I mean?" "And I have to appear before a crotchety judge, so, what I was thinking was that you guys would come on down with us, keep an eye on Matty until I get back." "What do you say?" " No problem." " Great." "You follow me over with your car." "Mr. Burke, I've got your ex on the line." "Oh, right." "Okay." "One minute." "I got a little negotiation here." "Hi, Donna." "Yeah, listen, I've run into a little snag here and I won't be able to get Matty home until 8, okay?" "Wait." "Wait a minute." "Slow down, will you?" "Hold on a minute, will you?" "What is the difference whether I bring him home at 6 or 8?" "Fine." "Super." "I just want you to know one thing." "Now, I have Matty this Christmas." "I was gonna bring him by to see you just as a little gesture but if you insist on playing this petty game with me, you can forget about seeing Matty on Christmas." "Fine, I don't need to be at Matty's birthday party." "We'll make our own party." "Let's go see Santa." "Gosh, look at the size of that line." "Well, you better get a place if you wanna see Santa today." "Right." "Listen, Smith, I hate to do this but I might have to leave before he's finished, so you'd really be doing me a favour if you'd drop Matty off at my ex's." "Sure, no problem." " Ever been married, Smith?" " Yeah, once, a long time ago." "So you know what it's like." "Well, you know, I think" "I think the underwire in that one will hold up a lot better" "Excuse me, I'm looking for the Santa thing." " Could you tell me where?" " Right through that door." "Oh, thank you very much." " The lace insert on this would" " Merry Christmas." "You're number 28." "Have a seat and fill that out, please." "Oh, no, no, I'm just here for the Santa thing, you know?" "This is it." "Have a seat." "No, no, I don't want a job, I just wanna know where Santa is." "Well, you want the Toy Department." "Third floor." "Thank you." "Well, old-timer, I hope you get the job." "I already got it." "I am Santa, but thanks for the kind wish." " What's your name?" " Mark." "Mark Gordon." "Got it." "I'm putting you on the list." "Right." "Well, good luck." "All right, number 14." "You can get started right away." "Go in the back and get fitted for a suit." "Thanks." "But I brought my own." "Boy, trying to find a parking place around here is ridiculous." "Oh, tell me." " Where's Burke?" " He had to take off for that court date." "Oh, it's rough being a single parent, huh?" "Really rough, it's rough on all of them." "That's the assignment, isn't it?" "We gotta figure out a way to get the Burkes to stop being lawyers and start being parents again." "You'll get everything you want come Christmas morning." "You be a good little girl now." "Well, children, Santa's gonna take just a little break and he'll be right back." "Hey, but I was next." "And you'll be first in line when Santa comes back." "Merry Christmas." "Merry Christmas." "What a gyp." "He's probably going back there to hit the bottle." "That's what they get to play Santa, a bunch of old drunks." "But he is Santa, isn't he?" "Yeah, I bet you believe in the tooth fairy too." "I ain't waiting for that bum." "Oh, boy, am I glad my shift is over." "This is worse than dinner theatre." "Well, listen, if the kid doesn't know what he wants, the manager wants you to push the machine guns." "There's a pile of them right next to the chair." "They want Santa to push machine guns?" "Well, machine guns, machetes, grenades, the whole arsenal." "Oh, and don't take too much time with them." "Keep them moving." "I've been at this a while, friend." "I think I can handle it." "Good luck." "What kind of Christmas is that?" "Who's next?" "Me, I guess." "You forgot to say, "Ho, ho, ho."" "Well, I don't feel particularly jolly when I see a bunch of junk like that." "Well, what's your name, son?" "Matty Burke." "I don't know if I've been good or not." "How come, Matty?" "Because everybody's mad all the time." "Even you." "Oh, I'm not mad, Matty." "Just a little ticked off when I see what they're doing to Christmas, what they're trying to do to me." "Oh, but, Matty." "I have been watching you all year and let me tell you, you're trying to be good." "You're trying to do better and that's what counts." "You want to tell Santa what you want?" "Oh, Matty, that's kind of rugged." "Wouldn't you like something the elves can paint?" "That's what I want." "Well, son." "I won't lie to you." "Santa doesn't lie." "I can't promise you that I can get you what you want." "But I'll work on it." " Fair enough?" " Fair enough." "And merry Christmas." "Santa, can I have a word with you?" "You'll have to stand in line, these kids are first." "I am Mr. Grinchley, the manager." "Who authorised you to take down that sign?" "And who authorised you to use my name to push a bunch of machine guns so kids can play like they're killing each other?" "Does that sound like Christmas to you?" "It sounds like business to me." "Well, we've got the whole problem there, haven't we, bub?" "Christmas isn't supposed to be a business." "It's supposed to be a spirit, and you guys are using it and me to cram these kids' heads full of hate and violence instead of peace and love, and it's ticking old Santa off." "You guys wanna make a buck, go ahead, but don't you use Santa to be a gunrunner for you." "You catch my drift, Grinchley?" "You're fired." "Take off that suit." "This suit was made for me by my missus, so get your mitts off it." "And you can't fire me, because I didn't get the job from you." "I got it from the boss upstairs." "I am the boss from upstairs." "No, you're not." "You're just little Billy Grinchley and you're the same brat now you were 40 years ago." "Only now you're not just picking on your little brother." "You're messing with the fat man now." "Children, all of this isn't Christmas." "Christmas doesn't belong to any department store." "It belongs to you." "It's what you feel in your hearts." "And you can't get that with a credit card." "That's the only thing around here that's kind of fun." "You got the right spirit, old-timer." "Listen, I think you got a bum deal." "That turkey thinks he can fire me." "Listen, my partner's an attorney." "He's on another assignment right now." "Here's our card." "You wanna fight to try to get your job back, maybe, I mean, maybe we can help you." " Well, that's very nice of you." " Don't mention it." "See you later." "Hi, Mommy." "Oh, Matty, darling." "I was beginning to wonder about you." "It's past 6." "I'm Jonathan Smith." "I work for your husband." "He asked if we'd" "Great, so he couldn't even bring him by himself." "Look, you tell Mr. Burke that next time he" "Oh, what's the use?" "Matty, darling," "Maria is gonna give you dinner." "Mommy has an important meeting." "When I get home, I'm gonna come kiss you good night and I'll see you tomorrow, okay?" " Mommy, I saw Santa today." " You did?" "Well, that's great." "Now, you hurry up and go wash up." " Mrs. Burke?" " Yes?" "It's none of my business but if you knew you were gonna be out, wouldn't it be better for the boy to be with his father instead of the maid?" "You're right, Mr. Smith, it's none of your business." " Pat, do you have any aspirin?" " You bet." "Starting the day off with a smile, huh?" "Oh, I don't believe my ex." "She's taking me back to court over my kid." "She's filed a motion that says, for his emotional stability, it's better that he should spend Christmas with his mother." "I don't believe that." "Where's Smith, Gordon?" "I want them to take some of the load off so I can find something that I can nail the former Mrs. Burke with." "They're in the conference room with a client." "A client?" "They're temps." "They don't have clients." "You ought to tell them." "You'll probably get them off the hook." "They've got a real dilly from off the streets in there." "What are you talking about?" "Does the phrase "ho, ho, ho" ring a bell?" "I'll tell you, it makes me so mad I could spit." " Morning, Smith." "Gordon." " Mr. Burke." " And you are?" " Santa Claus." "The Santa Claus?" "Kind of awesome, ain't it?" "In Bermuda shorts and a Hawaiian shirt?" "This is L.A., kid, it's 85 degrees out there." "You get a little sticky in red flannels." "This gentleman was employed as a department store Santa." "He objected to the use of Santa Claus to help promote the sale of machine guns." "And commando knives and flamethrowers." "Flamethrowers." "They want Father Christmas to help them hawk flamethrowers." "My golly, it'll be a frosty day in" "When he objected, they canned him." "And now he wants us to help him get his job back, right?" "Well, yeah, that's kind of the idea." "Not the idea." "That's not the idea at all." "I don't need the job, I've got the job." "I've had it for hundreds of years." "They can't take diddly squat away from me." "But what they can do is take Christmas" "The spirit of Christmas away from the children." "What are you gonna do, buzz them in your sleigh?" "Just a little joke, Santa." "Look, I'm a busy man." "Give my love to the elves," "I'll leave some cookies for you by the fireplace." "But I gotta go prepare a brief against my ex-wife." "Those guys over at Newman's are using my likeness without authorisation." "And if that isn't invasion of privacy, I don't know reindeer from bean dip." "Wait a second." "Those guys where?" "At Newman's Department Store, that's where." "Mr. Claus, consider yourself represented by counsel." "Smith, Gordon, I want you to drop everything else you're doing and I want you to devote full-time to the case of Claus v. Newman's Department Stores, Inc." "We'd be happy to, Mr. Burke." "Would you mind telling me why you changed your mind?" "Mrs. Burke." " Mrs. Burke?" " The lovely ex-Mrs." "Burke, who just happens to be chief corporate counsel for Newman's Department Stores, Inc." "It's been a while, hasn't it?" "Jonathan, is this guy Santa Claus?" " I mean, he isn't really, is he?" " I can't tell." "What do you mean you can't tell?" "You're an angel." "I mean, I can't tell." "I'm his lawyer." "He told me who he is in private." "I can't divulge information." " It's like part of lawyer-client privilege." " Oh, that's cute, Jon, cute." "Let's get it in gear, what do you say?" "Here we go." "Ladies and gentlemen, we have called this press conference today to announce certain legal actions that have been filed with the court on behalf of our client." "My name is Jonathan Smith." "I am here on behalf of the attorney of record, Mr. Paul Burke, who represents our client, Santa Claus." " This is a joke, right?" " Well, not as far as we're concerned." "We have this day requested that the court issue an injunctive order against Newman's Department Store, Incorporated, demanding that they cease and desist from using our client's name and likeness in the promotion of products and values" "that are contrary to the spirit of peace, love and goodwill toward all, the very essence of Christmas." "Santa is ready to take your questions now." " Hi." " Is this a publicity stunt?" "I don't need any publicity, son." "I'm pretty well-known as it is, don't you think?" "What do you hope to gain by all this?" "Gain?" "I don't hope to gain anything." "Gain isn't my business, giving is." "The spirit of giving." "And nobody has to gain it." "All you gotta do is give and you got it." "And let me tell you something else, while we're on the subject." "I think all the moms and dads out there ought to take the money that they'd spend on one big toy and give that money to charity." "To cure a disease or clothe the homeless or feed the hungry or brighten some less-fortunate child's Christmas." "And I think they ought to tell their kids that that's what they're doing in their names, out of their love for them." "Because that way, you can give your kids the most precious gift of all:" "the gift of giving." "And that's it from the L.A. Press Club where the opening salvos in the courtroom drama of Claus v. Newman's Department Store have just been fired by a man claiming to be Saint Nick himself." "And from the response he's gotten from some awfully cynical reporters, he might just be Santa at that." "Back to you, Bart." " Who the hell does he think he is?" " Santa Claus, Mr. Newman." "I know who he thinks he is, Grinchley, you twit." "I'm not talking about him." "I'm talking about your husband, Mrs. Burke." "Who does that two-bit shyster think he is filing suit against me on behalf of that overweight mental incompetent?" "He's doing this to get at me, Mr. Newman." "I know him." "I know how his mind works." "Well, that's where you're wrong, Mrs. Burke." "He is doing this to me and I suggest you do it to him before I do it to you." "With pleasure." "With pleasure." "I would have loved to have seen her face when that press conference came on in their boardroom." "Paul, we're not doing this to get at your wife." "We're doing this to do something positive." "Nailing my ex-wife is the most positive thing that I can think of." " Excuse me, are you Mr. Burke?" " That's me." "I have a singing telegram for you, sir." "Oh, jingle bells" "Your lawsuit smells I've one more thing to say" "This is a restraining order Stick it in your sleigh" "This is for you, Santa." "Merry Christmas." "Let me see that." "The old wolverine has fired back." "Well, I'm due in court." "We'll handle that when I get back." "Hang in there, Santa." "We've just begun to fight." "What is that gobbledegook?" "Well, it's a John Doe restraining order." "What it says is, "Since there is no Santa Claus, since Santa Claus is a mythical creation, you are ordered to cease and desist from posing as said mythic character." "You are ordered to cease and desist making any and all statements concerning Newman's Department Store and until a hearing can be held to make the order permanent, you are enjoined from wearing a red suit, saying, 'Ho, ho, ho." "Merry Christmas,' or any and all other phrases normally associated with the mythic character known as Santa Claus."" " Is that legal, Jonathan?" " A judge signed it." "It's legal, at least until a hearing." "I can't wear the suit?" "Can't say, "Ho, ho, ho"?" "Can't even wish anybody a merry Christmas for goodness' sake?" "What kind of goofball judge would sign a thing like that?" ""Judge HenryT." "Clawson."" "He's off the list." "I'll tell you right now, boy, old Hank could stick a mountain of cookies by the fireplace and they'll be selling air conditioners at the North Pole before" "No, no, no, come on, now." "Losing our temper isn't gonna help." "You think this is losing my temper?" "I'll show you what losing my temper is." " Where are you going?" " To Newman's Department Store." "Look at this beauty, boys and girls." "How would you like Santa to bring you this for Christmas, Johnny?" "He wouldn't." "You're not Santa." "You're a gunrunner." "How dare you." "That is Newman's property." "Well, it's my face and name and get your finger off my chest." "Or what?" "Or that and that and that and that." "Arrest that man." " What happened to you, Spike?" " I got caught." "What's it look like, Pops?" "No, no, no, I didn't mean that." "I mean, what happened to you?" "You didn't start out a bad boy." "You were a good kid." "Yeah." "How do you know?" "I remember." "I remember a long time ago." "You must have been 4 or 5 years old." "Your dad had ran out on you and your brothers, your mother was doing everything she could to hold the family together." "And there wasn't any money that year for toys." "And you were all sad because you couldn't buy a gift for her." "You loved your mom, Spike." "That was so long ago." "I hadn't even thought about her in years." "I mean, she was the only one who ever, ever loved me." "After she died, I" "How did you know?" "You did give her a gift, Spike." "No, there wasn't any money." "Oh, no, no, no, but this was something more important than money, something money can't buy." "Something they don't keep in safes." "She was there crying at the table and you put your arm around her and said:" ""Don't worry, Ma, I love you and I'm gonna make something out of myself, gonna make you proud."" "And she put her arm around you and said, "Theodore, you already have."" "Theodore?" "Well, no one's called me that since" "What would she think if she saw you today?" "It's not too late, my friend." "It's up to you." "This could be the first day of a whole new life for you." "Or just another day in the slammer." "It's up to you." "My main man, the Claus." " What is it, Clarence?" " Visitation, Claus." "Your lawyer." "Thanks." "Think it over, Spike." "So have you got that cat burglar thinking you're really Santa?" " And you don't, Clarence?" " Hey, Claus, you're a nice old guy but there ain't no Santa." "Trust me, I know." " Sound pretty sure of yourself." " Yeah, I got four little ones to raise." "How much do you think a jailer makes?" "Not enough." "How do you tell a 5-year-old he can't have that shiny train set he has his heart set on?" "That there's just not enough money to go around?" "You think money buys happiness?" "Well, if it don't, it can sure pay unhappiness to stay away." "Could be." " Are your children healthy, Clarence?" " Knock wood." "Well, I know a lot of rich folks who would give all they have and then some just to trade places with you." "I'll tell you one thing, my man." "They wouldn't find no takers with me on that bargain." "I didn't think so, Clarence." "But it still would be fun to give my boy a train." "We tried to get ahold of Mr. Burke, but he was out." "But first thing tomorrow morning, we're gonna see if we can get in front of a judge and get you out on your own recognisance." "That's okay." "I got a nice bed, a real friendly fella named Clarence who takes good care of us." "Got some pretty decent roommates too." "If I could just get them to see that." "One day more's no problem." "I don't know how to tell you this, but I don't think they're gonna let you out." "But I gotta get out." "Christmas Eve is only two days off." "We'll do everything we can." "But unfortunately, and I think it's partly my fault, we just let it get out of hand." "This thing has turned into a vendetta between Burke and his ex-wife." "I know." "You don't know how it pains me." "Hey, look, man." "I don't know if you're Santa Claus or if you're not Santa Claus, you know, but I do know a few things." "And one of the things that I know is that if you really are Santa, you got the stuff." "You know, the stuff." "So why don't you just use the stuff and the next thing you know, it's, "Up Donner, up Blitzen," you know?" "Mark, I can't do that." "Well, sure you can, if you've got the stuff." "And what kind of an example would that set for the children?" "Santa busts out of jail." "No, my friend, I'm afraid you're just going to have to go into court and prove to a judge that I'm Santa." "Your Honour, I must protest counsel's cheap theatrical publicity stunt of arranging for children to come down to the precinct where he puts on some sort" "Your Honour, I didn't arrange for anything." "A reporter called for an interview with my client." "I simply told the man where my client was and I guess he did the rest." "I hardly think it's in the best interest of the children counsel purports to be so concerned about to have them troop down to the city jail." "I'm not the one that put Father Christmas in the slammer." "He is not Father Christmas and you know it." "And if you're so concerned about giving war toys to children, then how come you gave Matty that drooling monster, the one with that mutant with the saliva dripping down its fangs?" "The mutant with fangs is your mother." "And the reason I gave Matty the stuffed Godzilla baby" "Have you two finished?" "May I remind you this is my courtroom and not a marriage encounter?" "We're not married, Your Honour." "We're divorced." "And I can't imagine a couple better suited for it than you." "This isn't about your divorce, this is about two injunctions and whether or not your client can be released on his own recognisance." "Your Honour, the man is an itinerant with no permanent address, no" "The North Pole is not exactly what you call temporary." "No means of support and no assets and he has already shown himself to be of a violent nature." "Yes, well, when I miss my lunch, I have rather a violent nature." "So we'll adjourn for an hour and then I'll hear your witnesses, though I must warn you, Mr. Burke, unless you can produce something that will change my mind," "I am rather inclined to agree with Mrs. Burke." "Court is adjourned." "Excuse me, Mrs. Burke," "I was just wondering if we all couldn't go sit down somewhere and talk." "Oh, I don't think there's anything to talk about." "Maybe there isn't but I don't see any reason why personal problems get in the way of professional courtesy." "All right, I think there's an office down the hallway we can use." "Mr. Burke, I know I work for you and I may be stepping way out of line, but I've gotta tell you, you two are acting like a couple of jerks." " Okay, Smith, that's enough." " All right, just let him talk." "Why?" "Just because I told him to shut up." "If I'd let him talk, you would've said let him" "Would you listen to yourselves?" "That's exactly what I'm talking about." "You couldn't live together." "Fine." "You got a divorce." "Why are you using everything you can get your hands on to hurt each other?" "You don't have to hurt each other anymore." "You made your decision, get on with your lives." " That's what I'm trying to do." " That's what I'm trying to do." "No, it isn't." "You're still fighting out your marriage." "You use your child to hurt each other, then you use Santa Claus to hurt each other." "It's ridiculous." "Don't you think it's time you two grew up for everybody's sake?" "Including your own." "Maybe he's right." "Yeah, maybe he is." "I mean, this whole thing has gotten really absurd, hasn't it?" "Well, look who started the whole thing." "Playing Look Who Started It is not gonna end it." "And we can end it." "Right here, the two of us." "Yeah, you're right." "It's really simple." "Yes." "Yes, it really is, very simple." "I mean, we're scuffling and hassling, and the solution is right here in the palms of our hands." "What do you say, counsellor?" "You're a bigger man than I gave you credit for, Paul." "I'll tell Mr. Newman that you're dropping the injunction." " Right." "Right after you drop yours." " Me?" "Yeah, that's why he's in jail." "He's in jail because he brought it on himself." "No, no, I take that back." "That poor old man was just a pawn." "You brought this on." "Now you drop yours and we'll drop ours." "I'll drop mine after you drop yours." "If you don't drop yours, I won't drop mine." "How do I know that if I drop, you'll drop?" "Drop yours and find out." " Drop yours." " You drop yours." " I'm not dropping." " I'm not dropping." " Fine." " Fine?" " Fine." " Fine." "I'll see you in court, counsellor." "Right." "The gloves are off, baby." "This is war." "Free Santa, free Santa, free Santa!" "Free Santa, free Santa, free Santa!" "Free Santa, free Santa, free Santa!" "Free Santa, free Santa!" "Free Santa, free Santa!" "Hey, mister, would you like to contribute to the Free Santa Bail Fund, sir?" "Well, my fine little fellow," "Santa's right in there in our Toy Department." "You can go right in and see for yourself." "Oh, no, sir, Santa's in jail." "This mean guy named Newman put him in there." "And that's just where he'll stay." "Free Santa, free Santa!" "You hear that, Burke?" "I'll show you what it means to mess with the biggest week of retail sales in the fiscal year." "You want war, bucko?" "You got war." "Free Santa, free Santa, free Santa!" "Free Santa!" "This court is now ready to hear whatever witnesses you choose to call." "But I must warn you, Mr. Burke, that this court will not be swayed by sentiment." "And Christmas Eve or no Christmas Eve, if this man is Santa Claus, you're gonna have to prove it to me." "Your Honour, I find myself in the rather absurd position of having to disprove a myth." "Now, Mr. Burke and Mr. Smith may call various members of the clergy or what have you in their attempt to verify their claim of the reality of this myth." "I, however, have turned to the world of empirical evidence in calling to the stand the foremost psychiatrist in the state," "Dr. Carl Erhardt." "Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth in the matter now pending before this court?" "I do." " Please state your name." " Carl Erhardt." "And are you a doctor?" "I am a psychiatrist." "M.D., M.A., Ph.D." "Do you believe in Santa Claus, doctor?" "No, I don't." "And has it been your experience as a psychiatrist that adults believe in Santa Claus?" "As a rule, no." "And if an adult believed he was Santa Claus, what would your diagnosis be?" "Well, if he really believed he was Santa Claus, delusions of grandeur, schizophrenia" "Thank you." "No further questions." "Let me ask you, when you were a little boy, did you believe in Santa Claus?" "Yes, I suppose I did." " Were you mentally ill at the time?" " No, I was a child." "And also, I didn't believe I was Santa Claus." "There is a difference." "But children do believe in Santa Claus, do they not?" "On the whole, yes." "Is there anything wrong with that?" "No, it's a perfectly harmless fantasy." "And might it not even be a positive one with positive values?" "Yes, I suppose so." " Do you have any children?" " Yes, and grandchildren." "Congratulations." "Do your grandchildren believe in Santa Claus?" "Oh, yes." "Well, why haven't you told them there isn't a Santa?" "Well, because" "Because they're children." " And to them, Santa is real." " Yes." "As real as you or I?" "Yes." "I will say this." "There is a reality to Santa Claus." "It exists in the minds of children." "Thank you very much, doctor." "And merry Christmas." "Merry Christmas to you too, sir." " Your name is Clarence Edward?" " That's right." "You are employed as a jailer in the precinct" " where my client is being held." " Correct." "As part of your duties, you identify the prisoners" " and fill out a report on each one." " That's right." "Is this the report that you filled out on the prisoner in question?" "Yeah, that's it." "Would you read the names under which the prisoner was booked?" ""Claus, Santa, alias Kringle, Kris, alias Christmas, Father, alias Nicholas, Saint, alias Nicholas, Jolly Old Saint--"" "That will be enough aliases." "Did you fingerprint the prisoner and run those prints?" "Yes, I did." "Did those prints show the prisoner to have any other identity" " but that which he gave?" " He came up clean as a whistle." "No arrest, no priors, no driver's licence, no social security card, nothing." "So as far as you're concerned, the name of the man that you have in your cell is..." "Santa Claus." "That'll be sufficient." "No further questions." "Have you never had another prisoner who did not show any means of identification, whose prints didn't show up anywhere, who had no arrests, no priors, no driver's licence, et cetera?" "Yeah, we get guys like that." "But not ones who call themselves Santa Claus." "And when you get someone who has no driver's licence, no place of employment, no social security card or any other means of identification, what, in your professional nomenclature, do you call them?" "A bum." "Any further witnesses to call, Mr. Burke?" " No, Your Honour." " Yes, Your Honour." " Well, which is it?" "Yes or no?" " I have two more witnesses." "They'd better be good, Mr. Smith." "Your Honour, we would like to call an expert witness to testify as to the reality of Santa Claus." "Oh, this I gotta see." "And you will." "Mrs. Burke called her own expert witness who testified, and I quote:" ""There is a reality to Santa Claus." "It exists in the minds of children,"" "end quote." "We therefore would like to call our own expert witness." "We call Matthew Burke." "Call Matthew Burke." "Your Honour, I protest." "That's my son and I don't give my permission." "Your Honour, I have custody this week and I give mine." "Swear in the witness." "Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth in the matter now pending before this court?" " Sure." " Okay." " Well, Matty, are you a child?" " Yes, sir." "I see." "And how long have you been a child?" "Seven years." "That seems like enough experience to me." "Matty, is there a Santa Claus?" "And how do you know?" "Because Mama told me." "Do you see Santa Claus anywhere in this courtroom?" "Yeah, he's right there." "Hi, Santa." "Your Honour, let the record show that the witness has indicated our client." "That was very good, Matty, thank you." "Your witness, counsellor." "Hi, Matty." "Hi, Mom." "No questions, Your Honour." " Son, you may step down." " Thank you, sir." " We call Santa Claus." " Santa Claus." "Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth in the matter now pending before this court?" "So help me God." " How you doing, Santa?" " Hi, Jonathan." "Santa, aside from one other person in this courtroom, you know more about me than anybody else in this world, don't you?" "Yes, Jonathan, I suppose I do." "You know I've been working on another case, another assignment, as it were, that hasn't been going too well." "I know, kid, I know." "So I'm gonna ask you to help me, Santa, with my assignment and maybe, just maybe, it might solve all our problems." "I'll do anything I can, you know that." "Santa, what did Matty Burke tell you he wanted for Christmas?" "Oh, Jonathan, I can't tell you that." "That's between the boy and me." "That's privileged information." "Matty?" "It's okay, Santa." "Go ahead." "Santa, what did Matty tell you he wanted more than anything else in this world?" "Well, he wanted his mom and dad to stop fighting over him." "He wanted them to stop using him to hurt each other and to stop trying to make him take sides." "The boy loves you both." "And he's living proof that once you loved each other." "You are bound by the love your child has for both of you." "And yet you can't do the best for your son if you're enemies." "Now, you may not be married anymore but you're still his parents." "And you can't do the best for him if you're not friends." "Because with all your differences, you still have the most important thing in the world in common:" "You both love him." "Neither of you has to win and neither of you has to lose." "All you gotta do is love your son and work together, even if you're apart, to raise him." "You know what I mean?" "Your Honour" "Mr. Newman, please be seated and refrain from interrupting." "But I can save the court a lot of time." "Let him go." "If he isn't Santa, he ought to be." "You wish to drop the injunction?" "You bet I do." "Well, boys and girls, looks like we're never gonna find out whether I think he's Santa or not." "It's Christmas Eve." "Let's get out of here." "Case dismissed." "Congratulations." "Come on, son, we got a tree to decorate." "Merry Christmas, Mom." "Merry Christmas, Matty." "See you Monday." "Maybe just this once we could be friends and spend it together." "What do you say?" "You're on." "I got a client to say goodbye to." "Where'd he go?" "Where's Santa?" "Mr. Burke, you gotta be kidding." "It's Christmas Eve." " Hey, Clarence, you need a lift?" " I guess." "If it's not one thing, it's another." "I'd sure appreciate it if it's not out of your way." "No problem at all." "Your kids waiting for you, Clarence?" "No, they're over at their grandmother's." "I thought I'd be late tonight." "I'll pick them up in the morning." "That old fool's really something, isn't he?" "That he is." "Kind of makes me wish I was a kid again so I really could believe." "You know what I mean?" "Believe me, I know exactly what you mean." " Thanks a lot for the lift." " It was our pleasure." " Good night." " Good night." "Oh, Clarence." "Remember, there'll always be a Santa Claus because they'll always be a little kid in all of us." "You have a merry Christmas." "Yeah." "Merry Christmas."