"(KISSING NOISILY)" "Is this ruining anyone else's breakfast?" "I don't know how much longer I can keep this down" "I'm a romantic at heart, but even I'm finding it a little bit cloying" "What are you doing?" "We used to do this to our budgies when they got a bit frisky" "Really?" "Back home, we used to castrate the male" "That was my first thought" "(MUFFLED CHUCKLING)" "Anyone seen the morning paper?" "Thank you, Mikey" "Oi!" "Oh, hello, Ben It's all right, we're engaged to be married" "Really?" "We've named the day Saturday" "Well, that's wonderful Which Saturday?" "Oh, we haven't thought of that yet, have we?" "What was that for?" "Pre-emptive strike You're bound to irritate me at some point today" "What's in the bag, Ben?" "My DVDs have arrived Twenty-two hours of television heaven" "Let me guess, The Jane Austen Collection?" "That is so close The Nazis in Colour." " Deep joy" " Oh, yeah Ten discs, extra featurettes" "Ha!" "Anyone wants me, I'll be on the couch" "Shall I bring you some snacks, or do you just want to dine on the stuff you dropped between the cushions last time?" "(SOMBRE CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING ON TV)" "Hey, Dad I need your advice" " Very funny, Janey" " No, I mean it" "Well, yeah, but does it have to be now?" "I mean" "Janey, what can I do for you at this point?" "You know, you are what you are I failed you, I'll admit that" "Can I just watch my programme, please?" "This is important It's about Kenzo's education" "Now, I'm trying to get him into a good school" "Yeah Yeah" " Everyone says St Justin's is the best" " Yeah, right, right" "Are you even listening to me?" "I'm trying not to, but you keep talking" " Dad, this is serious" " Yeah" "Hmm" "Janey, we're at war here" "Right, what else can I do to impress him?" "Okay, how do you normally impress people?" "I usually wear a low-cut blouse and drink through a straw" "Dear God" "Why don't you talk to him about the Bible?" "Or you can make a donation" "Why don't you talk to him about the Bible?" "Night, you two" "BOTH: (MUFFLED) Good night, Susan" "Oh, Abi, did you remember to set the tape for Celebrity Master Chef?" "Shut it, Rog, you talk too much" " Roger and Abi are still at it" " Mmm-hmm" " Were we ever that passionate?" " Of course we were" "(CHUCKLING) Remember that weekend on the Norfolk Broads?" "Ooh!" "That was real passion" "I've never been to Norfolk in my life" "Do you know, I could have sworn it was you" "Well, whoever it was," "I'm sure she had the best two-and-a-half minutes of her life" "I have to admit, I'm a little jealous of Roger and Abi" "They're so excited about their wedding" " Well, we've had our big day" " Our big day was crap" "I thought it was okay" "How would you know?" "You were still drunk from the night before" "To be fair, I was still drunk from the night before that night" "Our wedding was terrible" "The band was out of tune, the fish was off and the sex was mediocre" "I had an upset stomach from the fish" "I just wish things could have been different, that's all" "If I was doing it today, I'd do things so much better" "It's too late now, though, you can't turn back the clock now" "But we can We could renew our vows" " What for?" " It would freshen things up" "Give our marriage a brand new lease of life" "It would be a whole waste of a Saturday" "Oh, my God, you're serious about this" "Okay, okay You go and get the forms, and I'll sign them" "It's not like getting a new tax disc" "Come on, Ben, we'll have a We'll have a nice little ceremony" "You, me, the kids, we'll see if the vicar is free" "And we'll reaffirm the love we feel for each other" "What, say we love each other in front of people?" "I hardly dare say it in front of you" " So you're saying no?" " (STAMMERING) I No It's" "Look, I don't like to close the door on these things" "You know, I think it's pointless" "(SIGHING)" "What are you doing?" "Just getting rid of a few little things I shan't be needing any more" "This is really important to you, isn't it?" "Yes, it is" "Okay, okay, look, if it makes you happy, I'll do it" "Thank you, darling" "Actually, I'm not tired any more" " I'm not really tired, either" " Really?" "I've got an idea" " I bet I can guess what it is" " You know me so well" "I'm gonna get one of my DVDs and put it on the television" "Guess what?" "It's the Nuremberg Rally" "Thank you" "(MAN SPEAKING IN GERMAN ON TV)" "(CHEERING ON TV)" "I love this programme" " Would you mind if I watch it with you?" " Only if you keep quiet" "Understood" " Get out" " I didn't say a peep" "You cannot hop into bed with me" "Can I at least sit on the bed?" "No" " How about the very edge?" " The very, very edge" "Uh-uh Uh" " That's fine" " I won't move from this spot" " SUSAN:" "Ben" " Mmm" " Ben, darling" " Mmm" "Would you like some coffee?" "Oh, yeah Oh, yeah, you bet" "I'd love some coffee" "Hey, stop that You know what that does to me" "(WHOOPING)" "That tickles" "I'm over here" "(GIBBERING)" "Last thing I remember was watching the television and Italy going over to the other side" "Looks like they're not the only ones" "(COUGHS)" "Lovely service, as always" "Thank you I could see that you enjoyed it" "Oh, you noticed me?" "Well, difficult not to when it's only you and me out there" "(CHUCKLES)" "A little tip" "We don't normally whistle and applaud after morning service" "Sorry, Vicar I just wanted a word with you" "Dennis, please And don't apologise It's nice to be appreciated Come in" "Hello, Janey, everything all right?" "The vicar just came on to me" "I thought they were supposed to be celibate" "That's Catholics, dear" "Which one's this, then?" "Janey, sit down" "Janey, I want you to keep Saturday the 14th free" "Your father and I are renewing our wedding vows" "Why?" "Is there some sort of tax break involved?" " Mr Harper" " Alfie" "That Nazis in Colour is some programme, isn't it?" "Yeah, a classic, yeah" "Listen, Mr Harper, I'm sorry I fell asleep watching the telly" "I understand that part, Alfie" "What I don't understand is how you came to be naked" "Alfie, can we talk to you a minute?" " Listen, Mrs Harper, nothing" " Shut up!" "I need you to keep Saturday week free" "Ben and I are getting married again" "Oh, that's wonderful" "You're a lucky woman, Mrs Harper The man has rower's legs" "Keep away from me" "I'd be honoured if you'd allow me to bring the gift of song to your wedding" "Oh, that's lovely, Alfie" "I don't mean to brag, but the farmers used to call me the Paul McCartney of Caernarfon" "That's not bragging" "Oh, there's so much to do Ah, Michael" "I want you to phone round and track down some of our old friends who attended our first wedding" "Any of them still alive?" "Very funny, Michael Oh, no, actually he's gone" "Now, open your eyes:" "(WHISTLING)" "Oh" "I dug out our old wedding outfits" "I thought we could do it in these" " Whatever grabs you" " Mmm-hmm" "I like your way of thinking" "I thought you were gonna give this away to charity" "I tried" "Yes, they're renewing their vows" "Look, there's no need for that sort of language" "Just a simple yes or no will suffice" "Okay, so you don't like him Are you coming or not?" "All right, when hell freezes over" "Grandma's not coming" "SUSAN:" "Having trouble in there?" "Are you kidding?" "I'm in the best shape of my life" "(GRUNTING)" "Oh, my God" "You look beautiful" "So do you" "I'd come over to kiss you, but I can't move my legs" "Wow, wow!" " Wow That dress fits you perfectly" " Thank you" "It's amazing after You've had it altered, haven't you?" "(PHONE RINGING)" "Susan" "It's all right, I'll get it" "Hello?" "Yeah" "Sorry, sorry Hang on, hang on, hang on" "Oh!" "Hello Yeah" "Mark, yeah Hi" "What, you're kidding?" "What, me?" "Oh, yeah Oh, when?" "Of course Yeah, I'll be there Oh, cheers, Mark" "Oh, yeah Yeah, bye Susan, great news Great news" "One of Mark Eddington's clients has fractured his pelvis skiing" " And that's a good thing?" " Yeah, great thing" "Yeah, fantastic thing Because you know why?" "Mark has given me this guy's ticket in the director's box for Chelsea v Man United" "Oh, good for you, darling" "Yeah You know what this means, don't you?" "Valet parking Lunch in the director's box" "Free champagne all afternoon and I'm gonna be there on Saturday" "(BEN LAUGHING)" " Which Saturday?" " 14th" "And that date means nothing to you?" "Well, only it's the biggest game of the year and I am gonna be there, woo!" "Aren't we forgetting someone?" "Oh, sorry, darling He's only got the one ticket" "Oh, yeah Oh, the wedding thing, yeah Oh, yeah" "Okay, yeah, disappointment" "Yes, I'm sorry Probably best if you call Mark back straight away" " Why would I do that?" " Tell him you can't go" "Why can't I go?" "You've got to be kidding You don't even go to football" "Well, that's because I have to sit with the peasants" "This is the director's box" "I can't believe you're even contemplating it" "Susan, this is a chance of a lifetime" " But I booked the caterers" " Look, stop this" "Just stop this now Look, I was prepared to go along with this, you know, when it was a bit of fun" "But, you know, I mean, this is getting serious" "Reaffirming how you feel about me, a bit of fun?" "Look, look, let's just stop Look, there must be a solution to this" "There's got Ah, got it So simple" "How about we reaffirm our vows in the club car park?" "You're happy, I'm happy" "(DOOR SLAMMING)" "Well, forgive me for trying to find a compromise" "You don't seem to be enjoying Nazis in Colour as much as you were yesterday, Mr Harper" "Would I be wrong in thinking that all is not well with you and Mrs Harper?" "Perhaps What makes you think that?" "Oh, when you're from a rural background and you're a bit closer to nature, you tend to pick up on the signs" "The body language, the vibrations in the house" "Mrs Harper in the garden cutting up your shirts" "Alfie, tell Mr Harper he's getting his own dinner tonight" "Alfie, tell Mrs Harper I thank her, and my stomach thanks her" "Alfie, tell Mr Harper all housework will be suspended until further notice" "Alfie, tell Mrs Harper I'll let her know when I notice" " Alfie, tell Mr Harper" " Stop, stop, stop" "I'm sorry for raising my voice like that, but something needed to be done" "But I refuse to be a shuttlecock in your game of emotional tennis" "Shuttlecock?" "That's badminton" "Not everything has to be an argument, Mr Harper" "Hey, Mum You ready to go?" "Dad, look after Kenzo, will you?" "Mum and I are off to church" " Oh, got a date with the vicar?" " No, I'm going to turn him down" "Here Bob the Builder." "Put it on" " Bob the Builder!" "Yeah!" " There we go Thanks, Dad" "Yeah!" "Yeah, just me and you, eh, Kenzo?" "The lads, eh?" "(CHUCKLING)" "He's selfish, inconsiderate, pig-headed, emotionally stunted" "Every time I look at him, I just want to slap his stupid face" "I think we're straying from the subject" "You're here to talk about renewing your vows" "Damn right I want to renew them" "To stand there in the eyes of the Lord and tell that insensitive git I love him" "I can't help but feel perhaps you're not in the right place for this mentally, Mrs Harper" "Um, maybe you should postpone" "Postpone?" "Postpone?" "And let him win?" "He'd like that, wouldn't he?" "So, Saturday week, yes?" " 11:00?" "Yes" " Uh" "Perhaps I should speak to Mr Harper about this" "What do you want to speak to him for?" "Just to make sure that you're both in complete agreement about" "Listen, Vicar, I'll take care of Ben" "You just serve up a nice, romantic blessing Got it?" "Go on, Janey, ditch the vicar Don't be long We have flowers to order" "Here we go, Kenzo" "Don't want you to drink alone Cheers" " I like Bob the Builder" " Yeah, I like Bob the Builder" "Yeah I think that guy's got the right idea" "Why?" "Well, you know, things break, he fixes them" "He works outdoors, he's appreciated It's the perfect life" " Why?" " There's no women involved, are there?" "He hangs around with a bunch of machines" "No emotions No hormones to deal with" "Why?" "Look, Kenzo, I don't want to influence your view of the world, but I think you should know this now" "That women Women are very difficult to live with" "Why?" "Because their brains are smaller than men's" "Why?" "Because they've got a bit missing" "The bit that contains rational thought" "Why?" "It's not important" "What's important is for you to know that women are very good for this planet, because they're very good at one thing" "But I can't tell you what that one thing is" " Why?" " Doesn't matter" "What's important is you must never ever tell your grandmother I told you this" "Why?" "Because you will never ever see me again" "About us going out" "Yes That could be tricky" "You see, as a vicar, I have a certain image to uphold" "It isn't that I didn't like talking to your mother" "My mother?" "Oh!" "Well, when you date me, you get my whole family" " Yes, about that" " Is that going to be a problem?" "Janey, we can't go out" "Really?" "That's dreadful" "I'm sure you must be disappointed" " Mortified" " But if it's any consolation," "I would like to do whatever I can to place Kenzo in our school" "Oh Well, I suppose it's some comfort" "I've made a list of minimum requirements" "Okay, fire away, I'm a reasonable man" "I want you there for the ceremony, the photographs, the lunch, but you can go before the coffee and the cake" "Unacceptable" "If I stay for the lunch, I'll miss the pre-match champagne reception" "Well, what are you offering, then?" "I'll give you the ceremony" "(INHALING DEEPLY)" "You save me a piece of cake" "Okay, how about this, then?" "You go to the champagne reception, the lunch, the match, you have drinks with the players afterwards" "Yeah and we change the renewal of the vows to a quickie divorce" "It's the cake bit that's upsetting you, isn't it?" " I think we're wasting our time here" " Look, Susan, please" "Look, if we bring the whole thing forward two hours then I can catch the football" "Fine I'll bring everything forward two hours, but you have to write your own vows as per the original agreement, plus" "I want a mini-break in Paris" "A dirty weekend in Ramsgate" " Chichester" " You're on" "My God, you are so sexy when you negotiate" "God, I want you" " Come here" " No, you come here" "Okay" "Not on the couch tonight then, Mr Harper?" "(PANTING)" "Would you mind horribly if we stopped kissing?" " Why?" " I just can't do it any more" "My lips are too tired" "Nice turnout, Mikey, well done" "Not a problem" " They're not our friends, are they?" " No" " Who are they?" " Polish workmen" "They don't speak any English, so don't expect too much from the hymns" "As long as your mum's happy" "So I wake up stark naked in bed cuddling up with Mr Harper" " I guess you had to be there" " And what relation are you?" "Oh, I'm not a relative Mr Harper lets me stay here for nothing" "(PLAYING BRIDAL CHORUS)" "(MUSIC CHANGES TO O CHRISTMAS TREE)" "(PLAYING BRIDAL CHORUS)" "Oh, Abi, isn't this exciting?" "I want our wedding to be exactly the same as this" "Oh!" "Can't we have our friends instead?" "Abi, you're always kidding" "Ben and Susan, we're gathered here today to celebrate a renewal of your blessed union so many years ago:" "Truly, it's a divine miracle that you've made it this far" "And as a symbol of their love and devotion," "Ben and Susan have decided to write their own vows" "Yes, we have" "Thank you" "(CLEARING THROAT)" "Ben, my love for you today is as great as" "You've written all your heart-felt sentiments on a Post-it?" "I used both sides" "Susan, Susan!" "Susan!" "Susan!" "I caught the bouquet" "Susan" "Susan, come on, let me in" "Susan, you know I'm not very good at this" "The reason I haven't got much written down is because I find it, you know, very difficult describing what you mean to my life, because" "you are my life" "You're the first thing I think about when I wake up, you're the last thing I think about when I go to sleep" "(SIGHING)" "You're my wife, Susan, my lover, my best friend" "And I loved you when we married, and I love you now and I'll love you till the day I die" "(TOILET FLUSHING)" "Sorry, what was that?" "I'm really proud of you" "It took a lot of courage to say that in front of everyone" "I meant every word" "Mind you, you left out that "first thing in the morning," ""last thing at night" stuff" "You heard it all, didn't you?" "Yes, but it didn't hurt to hear it again" "Your grandad's pretty special" "I'm a very lucky woman" "Grandad said you're only good for one thing" "I'm not going to the game, am I?" "You may never go out again"