"MR KHAN:" "Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham, the capital of British Pakistan." "They all know me." "Do you like my suit?" "Number one." "Citizen Khan." "What time are they coming round?" "7.30, but don't worry, beti, everything will be ready." "I'm just a bit nervous." "It's the first time Amjad's mum and dad have been round for dinner." "The house looks really nice, Mrs Khan." "Oh, thank you, Amjad." "I'm hoping your mother will be impressed!" "Snooty old bag!" "Mum!" "Be nice." "I'm always nice, beti." " Where's Dad?" " He's playing with his new chair." "Ripped By mstoll" "Shazia, I've been expecting you." "What are you wearing?" "Smoking jacket." " Good, huh?" " The trousers are a bit tight." "Told you not to buy them on eBay." "They were ten seconds to go." "I had to put a bid in." "Sophisticated, isn't it?" "But, Dad, the Maliks are coming around tonight." "We have to talk about the wedding plans." "I know that, Shazia." "Look, I've accepted we're marrying into the Malik family, but some good can still come of it." "Mr Malik's going to get me into the Sparkhill Pakistani Business Association." "What?" "Sparkhill Pakistani Business Association!" "Mr Malik's a member - he can get me in!" " But, Dad..." " Look," "I've been trying for 20 years to get into the SPBA and, finally, it's going to happen, and it's only costing me one daughter!" "Dad, don't you think tonight should be about the wedding?" "Wedding, wedding, wedding!" "Anyone would think bloomin' wedding is the most important day of your life!" "Which it is." "Don't worry, ladhoo, it'll be fine." "My mum's really excited about it." "She keeps on saying, '"I can't believe we're going there for dinner!" "'"" "I just want everyone to get on." "Shazia, I promise you, tonight is going to be a sophisticated and elegant evening." "I've even got a butler!" "A what?" "!" "Ta-da!" "Sorry." "You rang, milord?" "It's Keith from next door." "Good, huh?" "(POSH VOICE) Keithwalla, have you cleaned the veranda?" "You mean, have I taken the old mattress out of your front garden?" "Dad, you can't have servants." "It's demeaning." "OK." "Sorry, Keith, you can't be a butler." "It's demeaning... to butlers." "Righto." "So, when the Maliks arrive, we do a bit of chitty-chatty, maybe mention the SPBA and then I ring gong for dinner." "The what?" "(DULL THUD)" "(DULL THUD)" "Gon-n-n-ng-g-g!" "(POSH ACCENT) Dinner is served." "Actually, it's '"bong'", not '"gong'"." "All right, Miss Camilla Parker Know-It-Alls!" "I think I know more about etiquette than you do." "(HAWKS NOISILY)" "Sorry, sir." "And then, after dinner, we'll play charades!" "Why are we doing that?" "It's Dad's favourite game." "He practises at home all the time." "How?" "Mum never lets him say anything." "Wow, Mum!" "Is it OK?" "It's brilliant!" "Look at all the knives and forks!" "Mum, promise we can talk about the wedding." "We need to discuss the venue, the caterers, the guest list..." " I know, I know." " And we all agree, we don't want anything too over the top." "Do we, budhoo?" "No." "Of course not." "I understand." "So, in terms of numbers..." "I've already made my list." "Oh." "Don't worry, it's the bare minimum, only the people we absolutely have to invite." "Oh, great." "How many is that, then?" "150!" "What?" "!" "Blimey, are we expecting someone with three sets of arms?" "Starter, soup spoon, main course, dessert." "And if you forget how to use your knife and fork, just remember you're Pakistani and eat with your fingers instead!" " What are you doing?" " You want everything to be perfect." "This is how they do it on Downton Abbey." "Knife and fork must be exactly... 12 inches apart." " Are you sure?" " Of course." "If you haven't got your 12 inches, you can't be laid properly." "I wish someone had told me that before." "Don't set a place for me, I'm going out." " No, you're not." " But I've got to go to the mosque." " You mean party." " It's a prayer meeting." " Slash-party." " Papaji!" "Shazia, stop being mean to your sister!" "Just put the plates out." "(TUTS)" "No, no, not the normal ones." "The ones in the sideboard." "What?" "Yes, that's right." "We are taking out the Royal Albert dinner service." "We've had it for 22 years and it's never been out of the cupboard... until today." "All right, we've done everything we can - laying out the best china, hoovered up my toenail clippings, and put out some fresh plastic flowers!" "All we need to do now is greet them." "Mr Malik!" " Salaam alaikum." " (LOUD RIP)" "I'm just going to change for dinner." "Mr and Mrs Abbasi," "Mr and Mrs Ansari, Mr and Mrs Basra," "Mr and Mrs Chaudhry..." "This isn't a guest list, it's a Pakistani phone book!" "And that's just my mum's lot." " How many is your mum planning to invite?" " Not sure." "You must have some idea." "About 20 or 30... (SIGHS) That's all right, then." "...more than your mum." "Oh, my God!" "That's more than 300 people." "No, it isn't." "It's..." "Yes, you're right, it is, yes." "I'm not getting married in front of 300 total strangers." "We have to tell 'em." " OK." " Tonight." "Are you sure?" "Maybe we should wait." "Look, Amjad, do you want a small, tasteful ceremony where the few people we love most share the moment when we promise to spend the rest of our lives together, or would you refer some all-singing, all-dancing, Pakistani wedding-athon" "with hundreds of uncles and aunts you've never even met getting frisky on Fanta?" "Amjad!" "The first one, but they're going to be so cross!" "(SIGHS) You're a man now, Amjad." "Are you going to let yourself be ordered around by your mother all your life?" "You're right!" "There comes a time when..." " (SHOUTS) Come on!" " Right..." "Aw, that's such a cool chair, Papaji." "Thank you, beti." "Mr Malik's going to be really impressed." " Do you think?" " Oh, yeah, definitely." "Can I go out?" " Alia, you heard what your mother said." " But..." "I'm not having you going to some party." " I'm not going to a party." " But Shazia said..." "I'm going to the mosque with my study group." "We're going to be dead religious, and that." "The mosque is closed - they had a flood." "Oh." "(SIGHS) Alia I'm your father." "You must show me some respect, and if you respect someone, you must tell them the truth." "Now, were you really going to the mosque?" "No." "So where were you going?" "To a party." "Oh, Alia, I'm disappointed." "Sorry, Papaji." "But I said I would go." "Well, then, you'll just have to tell them you can't." "Whose party is it?" "Mo Javed." "Right, well, you call Mo Javed and..." "Hang on." "Mo Javed, Mr Javed's son?" "Yeah." "Mr Javed, president of the Sparkhill Pakistani Business Association, Mr Javed?" "Yeah..." "Where is this party?" "At his house." "At his house." "Mr Javed's house in Harborne?" "The one with the electric gates and the double garage and the stained-glass leaded windows?" "Yeah." "And Mo Javed has invited you, Alia, Mr Khan's daughter?" "Yeah." "Well, actually, it was his cousin's friend's next-door neighbour." "Same thing." "What kind of party is it?" "A birthday party." "Well, there's no harm in that - pass the parcel, musical statues, and jelly and ice cream, isn't it?" "Sort of." "This is a great honour." "When Mr Malik finds out that my daughter is the friend of the next-door neighbour of a friend of the cousin of the son of the president of the Sparkhill Pakistani Business Association," "I'll be a shoo-in for membership." "How will he find out?" "Don't worry, I have my ways." "I'll post it on Facebook and I'll put it in the mosque newsletter." "And if that doesn't work, I'll just tell him." "Nice." "You see, beti, how important it is to tell the truth?" "I wouldn't have known about any of this if you hadn't told me the truth." "So... can I go?" "OK." "What about Mum?" "We'll say you've gone to the mosque." "(DOOR BELL RINGS)" "OK." "Are you ready?" "Now remember, don't fight with her, and don't mention his... (WHISPERS) Of course not!" "Because, apparently, he's very sensitive about it." "Amjad says he has to stick it on with glue when it gets really windy!" "Don't worry about me, I know how to behave." "All right." "BOTH:" "Salaam alaikum!" "BOTH:" "Walaikum assalam." "So glad you could make it." "Please, do come in." "Thank you." "Can I take your hat?" "Sorry?" "Nothing." "You might think we move in different circles, but not all our friends are wealthy, successful and intelligent." "We know a few people like you." "Well, we know quite a few bigwigs ourselves!" "H-H-He means high-flyers." "Oh, yes, I mean high flyers!" "(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)" "Please, take a seat." "Dinner won't be long." "No rush." "Please, won't you sit down?" "Take the weight off your head..." "Your feet!" "It's... very stuffy in here, not like our house." "We've just had air conditioning fitted." "Oh!" "We've got air conditioning, too." "Look." "Salaam alaikum." "Oh, here's the happy couple!" "We brought snacks." "I've got pakoras." "Oh, well done, Amjad." "Such a good boy." "Mrs Khan made them." "Do you want one?" "No." " Daddy?" " Why don't we talk about the wedding?" "There's something we need to discuss." "Yes, good idea." "No, why don't we leave that till later?" "Let's leave the boys to their business talk." "Maybe you would like to help me in the kitchen?" "Yes." "You need all the help you can get." "Careful, Amjad!" "You're dropping crumbs on the rug..." "Wig!" "Carpet!" "Well... something smells." "It's nearly ready." "I hope you haven't gone to too much trouble." "Oh, no, no, no." "Not at all." "Just a few dishes - lamb, chicken, dhal, potatoes, spinach, roti, rice, cauliflower, aubergine..." "Ah..." " We probably should have told you." " Told me what?" "Mr Malik and I are on a special diet at the moment." "The raw food diet?" "Where you can't eat anything cooked." " Mum..." " So, you mean you can't eat any of the food I've made?" "Why don't you sit in this chair?" "Much more comfy, huh?" "Oh, it's very nice." "I got a great deal through one of my business contacts." "It reclines and everything." " Really?" " Yes!" "Go on, give it a go." "There's no need..." "Please, I insist." "Go on, press that button." "No, not that one, the other one." "It was working earlier." " Don't worry." "I'm sure it's..." " Here, give me that thing." "State of the art." "The man in the car park promised me!" "He said he unloaded it himself, straight off the boat from Taiwan." "Come on, stupid thing!" "It's stuck." "You must have broken it." "I'll fix it later." "Gon-n-ng!" "Dinner is served." "Ah, excellent!" "Well, the table looks nice." "We always eat like this." "The china's nothing special." "No, I can see that." "Ah, there you are!" "We wondered what had happened to you." "Was it toilet?" "You have to press the flush a couple of times for number two." "(WHISPERS) Dad, please!" "What?" "Mr Malik wants to be a good guest, sweetie." "Leave everything as you find it, huh?" "Well, the starter is fruit and yoghurt, so you should be all right with that." "Sorry." "We're off dairy, too." "Right." "Well, maybe I can wash the yoghurt off..." "Please, don't..." "Oh, no, no." "No bother." " Really, it's fine." " I insist." " No!" " (PLATE SMASHES)" "So sorry." "At least it was only one of your cheap plates." "Cheap plates?" "!" "Ah-ah-ah-ah..." "Isn't this fun, uh, smashing plates?" "All very Greek, isn't it?" "A right Miss Khan-dopolopolis, isn't she?" " Why don't we have the games now?" " What?" "It might help everyone to relax a bit." "Good idea." "Come on, Mr Malik, let's go in there and let our hair down..." "Oh!" "Right, how about a game of charades?" "I hear it's someone's favourite, huh?" "We hate charades, don't we?" "(SIGHS) Yes." "All right." "How about this one?" "You've got photos of famous people and you have to describe them without saying their name." "I'll go with Mr Malik, SPBA team, eh?" "We're boundto win." "Right, we'll go first." " Ready?" " Yeah." " Go!" " OK, so, he's a Radio 2 presenter." "Also on TV." "He's also well known for having a really bad... (WHIMPERS) ...a really bad..." "He has a w..." "Let's just skip this one, huh?" "(HUMS NERVOUSLY)" "(SIGHS)" "Pass." "(SIGHS)" "Why don't we play something else?" "How about Monopoly?" "I'll be the car and you can have the hat, huh?" "Can we talk about the wedding now?" "We need to discuss the guest list." "Yes, good." " This is difficult." " I know." "On the one hand, I have hundreds of close friends to invite, but on the other, I don't want your family embarrassing me in front of them." "Fine." "We'll just have ourguests." "Please!" "There's no need for any of this." "We don't want some great, big Pakistani wedding." "No, beti, just a small do, only 300 people." "Well, I suppose if you're trying to save money..." "No!" "We don't want 300, or a big venue, or any of that other rubbish." "We just want our immediate family and a few of ourclose friends." "Oh." "Just what I expect from your Westernised daughter." "No." "Amjad wants that, too." "Don't you, budhoo?" "Well... you know..." "I'm easy." "What?" "!" "I suppose we shouldn't be surprised by any of this." "These people aren't from polite society." "How dare you!" "We're twice as polite as you, you snooty old bag!" "I've had enough of this." "I'll be in the car!" "(DOOR SLAMS)" "Well, that's just great(!" ")" "Beti, I'm so sorry!" "I knewthis would happen." "Oh, please, can't you go out there and talk to her?" "I'd rather not." "She's hard to talk to when she's angry." "Right, this calls for tact and diplomacy." "I'll go." "I know how to deal with the difficult womens." "(MR KHAN SIGHS)" "MR KHAN:" "Mrs Malik?" "Now, Mrs Malik, why don't we go inside?" "Mrs Malik!" "Biscoot, anyone?" "Biscoot?" "Biscoot?" "Haroun!" "Amjad!" "We're leaving." "Go on, then." "Off you go." "Thank you for a lovely evening." "Wait!" "I thought we could talk about the SPBA." "I don't think this is the time." "Look, I know Shazia's not a great advert for this family..." " Dad!" "...but we got other daughter." "Hmph!" "The other one is out all over town." "How dare you?" "Alia is a good girl." "Where is she, then?" "Out partying?" "No, actually, she's at the mosque." "Actually, sweetie, she's not at the mosque." " What?" " She's at a party." " Told you." " At a party at Mr Javed's house!" "Yes, that's right." "Our daughter is at a party at the house of the president of the Sparkhill Pakistani Business Association!" "That's how respectable this family is!" "# Bismillah!" "No!" "We will not let you go. #" "Hello, Mr Khan speaking." "Yes." "I see." "Yes." "OK." "Thank you." "That was the police." "They've arrested Alia." "Where's my baby?" "What have you done with her?" "Calm down, madam." "Alia!" "I've brought you some fruit!" "This should be fun." "What are you even doing here?" "I couldn't miss this." "Well, you can go now." "I think I can take care of my own daughter, thank you." "Clearly, you can't, or she wouldn't be here." "Right, that's it." "All right, ladies!" "Keep your hair on!" "No offence." " Yes, sir?" " Salaam alaikum, Officer." "Mr Khan, community leader " "K, H for hat, A for Asian, N for knowledge - they all know me." "(HAWKS NOISILY)" "How can I help?" "I believe you have my daughter, Alia." "That's right, sir." "We're investigating charges of criminal damage." "Oh, my God!" "I knew it." "She's a delinquent!" "Where is my daughter?" "(SHOUTS) Alia!" "She's in a holding cell at the moment, madam." "She is a jailbird." "(MR KHAN SIGHS)" "You see, this is what's wrong with British justice." " My daughter, who's perfectly innocent..." " (SCOFFS) ...who's perfectly innocent, is rotting away in a cell, while thatman, who's committed God knows what crimes, is allowed to sit there, bold as brass, drinking coffee!" "That's DI Taylor, sir." "He's going to interview your daughter." "Now, I'm sure there's been a misunderstanding." "Alia would never do anything like this." "She's a good girl." "I just need to ask Alia a few questions." "Just tell the truth, Alia." "We always tell the truth - it's one of the Five Pillars of Islam." "I don't think it is, Papaji." "Chup!" "Do you want to get out of here or not?" "Now, I just want you to tell me, in your own words, what happened." "Well, we were at this party, and all these other people turned up who none of us knew, like, hundreds of them, and they just started being really random and smashing things up, and that." "So, you're saying a lot of undesirable types turned up and they did the damage?" "Yeah." "But you weren't one of the undesirables, were you?" "No, Papaji." "I've never been one of the undesirables." "I've only ever been desirable." "Yes." "But, you see, when we arrived, you were one of several people still on the premises, surrounded by thousands of pounds' worth of criminal damage." "To the jelly and ice cream?" "We were trying to clear up!" " There you go!" "Come on, beti." " I'm sorry, sir, but we haven't established your daughter's role in the events of this evening." "What?" "My daughter is innocent!" "Innocent, I tell you!" "I cannot watch this country's proud record of justice-for-all be trampled through the mud!" "What would our great forebears think?" "The men and women who have fought hard to make our British legal system the envy of the world!" "And don't forget about habeas corpus." "What would she say about it, hmm?" "Think of the all the great British bobbies from our past looking down on you now " "Bobby Moore, Bobby Charlton," "Bobby Davro." "Don't let them down." "Don't let this great country of ours down." "And look into your heart..." "(SLAMS TABLE) ...and let my daughter walk free!" "(HAWKS NOISILY)" "Right." "Well, her story does tally with the statements we have from the others." "Allah hu Akbar!" "I'm like Khan-pole Of The Bailey." "Come on, beti." "There is still the question of how they all knew about the party." " What do you mean?" " It seems... the details were posted on social media, freely available to anyone." "We take that kind of thing very seriously these days." "But it wasn't me." "We've traced the IP address to a computer in your house." "The details were posted at 7.30 this evening." "Ah!" "Well, there I have you!" "Alia had left the house by then, and I was the only one using the computer." "I see." "And what do you use it for?" "Hotmails, Yahoos," "Facebooks..." "It was also mentioned in the mosque newsletter." "Oh, twadi..." "Ah!" "Good news, madam, your daughter is free to go." "Oh, thank you, thank you!" "Now we can all go home!" "Erm, not quite." "What do you mean?" "Unfortunately, your husband is going to have to stay and help us with some further enquiries." "Come on, Amjad." "We don't want anything more to do with them." "How dare you!" "If you want to know how the daughter will turn out, look at the parents!" "Are you going to say something?" "I wasn't planning to." "Look..." "I'm sorry I ruined the evening." "I was just trying to impress you to get into the SPBA." "You mustn't judge Shazia by the mistakes of her father." "Shazia is a lovely girl better than we deserve and Amjad would be lucky to have her." "No, thank you." "Amjad, are you coming?" "No." "I want to stay." "I love you, ladhoo." "This is your last chance to save yourself from this family, Amjad." "Look at them." "They're just not right." "I know." "But they're my family now and we do things together!" " How could you do this to me?" "!" " (SCREAMS)" "Madam, that's assaulting a police officer." "He is a community support officer." "It is one step up from a lollipop lady." "All right, that's enough." " (GROANS)" " That is definitely assaulting a police officer." " You're under arrest." " Oh, dear..." "Don't you think you should help?" "No, I think the two of them should be able to manage." "(CHUCKLES) Toupee!" "I mean, touché!" "I can't believe they're keeping Mrs Malik in overnight." "I know." "Good, huh?" "We nearly had to stay with her." "Lucky you could help the police find the source of all those stolen remote-control chairs." "(HAWKS NOISILY)" "You know, we Khans don't need to put on all these airs and graces." "We just respect each other and treat everyone equally - it's the British way." "Dinner is served." "Keithwalla, have the rest of the night off... after you've cleaned out the little present Mr Malik left in the toilet." "Bon appetitty!" "Ripped By mstoll"