"Hey, guys." "Daddy's pulling in." "Hurry up and finish your meatloaf." "I like your new haircut, Mommy." "Thank you, honey." "Do you think Daddy'll notice?" "I don't know." "You wanna bet?" " Yeah!" "Yeah!" " Sure!" "Which side do you want to take?" "I bet he won't notice." "I was gonna take that one!" "Okay, he's coming." "Hurry up." "Quiet." "Hey, Gladys Knight and the Pips." " Hi, honey." " Hi, Daddy." "Hmm." "Where's the mail?" "It's right behind you." "Hi." "Hey." "Hmm." "What's up?" "Nothing." "Looks like somebody had a glass of wine." "No no." "So, what?" "What are you doing?" "Nothin'." "Just..." "looking at you." "You're drunk." "Look at this." "They spelled NCAA with three A's." "How do they not catch that?" "Ta-da!" "What?" "What's so funny?" "We bet Mommy you wouldn't notice her haircut, and we win." "What did you think I was doing, checking for lice?" "No no." "Listen, I noticed it," "I'm just-- no, it looks good." "It totally compliments your... head." "Yeah." "Daddy, you didn't notice my haircut, either." "I-- no, I did, I did." "It's totally different." "I didn't get a haircut." "Nice one." "Ha." "Very funny." "You know, Ally, you shouldn't do that." "One day you're gonna want me to notice, and now you're the Girl Who Cried Haircut." "Hey, guys." "Daddy, can you help me with my homework?" "Ah, forget that." "Listen." "Listen." "I thought of a funny bet that we can do to Mommy, okay?" "We'll turn on the TV, and then we'll bet how long it takes her to say, "Turn it off."" "Ha ha!" "But I don't get it." "Yeah, Mommy's bets are funny." "Well--this is funny." "This-- wait a minute." "Does Mommy do other bets besides the haircut one?" "Yeah." "Like what?" "Well, sometimes when you call and say what time you'll be home from work, she bets us what time you'll really be home." "It's funny 'cause you're always so late." "Ha ha." "Yeah." "Yeah, that is funny, yeah." "What else?" "She bets us what you'll forget at the grocery store." "And if you did the laundry." "And how long you'll take in the bathroom." "I always say "infinity."" "Hey, no TV during homework." "Ha ha!" "I win!" "I win the bet!" "I win the-- ho ho, Mommy!" "That was hilarious, huh?" "All right!" "Yeah!" "That was funny." "What are you doing?" "Oh, nothing." "I bet that you would say, "Turn the TV off,"" "and you did!" "So predictable!" "Whoa!" "Man, that was classic, right?" "Wait, I don't understand." "You bet that I'd be a responsible parent?" "What's so funny?" "Not Daddy." "What?" "No, I always thought that Raymond's sense of humor was wonderful." "Here, Raymond." "I brought you this cake." "Half is for me and Amy." "Robby, I said I'd bring it over to you." "I'll supervise the cutting, thank you." "Hey, this is cool, this is cool." "I'll bet half of Grandma's cake is still better than a whole one of Mommy's." "Excuse me?" "Raymond, that's not nice to say out loud." "No." "No no, it's fine, Ma." "We're just making funny bets, you know?" "Okay, so who wants to bet that Mommy's cake probably isn't as delightful as it should be?" "Kids, you want to finish your homework upstairs, please?" "Yeah okay, go upstairs." "You wouldn't want a bedtime snack 'cause all we got is Mommy food." "Ray, what is your problem?" " Yeah, what's going on?" " I'll tell you what's going on:" "She bets the kids that I'll do stupid stuff." "Are the betting windows still open?" "I don't understand." "What are these bets?" "They're just jokes." "You know, like we bet whether Ray would notice my new haircut, which he didn't." "Well, maybe he was just being polite." "Yeah yeah." "Maybe your haircut's junky." " Now, you listen to me." " I'll bet I won't." " What's gotten into you?" " What do you mean?" "Hold it!" "I made cake... and before another cross word is said, why don't we just all sit down and have some?" "It's my world-famous chocolate-layer cake." "Oh" "Frank!" "Look." "You can see the imprint of his face." "That's your half." "Ray, I don't understand why you're so upset." "You're always making jokes about me." "Yes, I am-- to my friends." "Not impressionable children." "Take another look at your friends." "You-- your bets are turning the kids against me." "What?" "!" "Ray, we're just having some fun." "No, you're poisoning their minds!" "Those kids, they used to think that I was Superman!" "I'd come home every night and they'd run up to me, "Yay!" "Daddy's home!"" "But now they don't, because you're home all day painting me to them as some big dumb doof!" "Don't ever quit painting, Debra." "Okay, Ray, if the bets bother you, I can certainly stop." " Good." " Fine." "But there is another solution." "You want them to think you're Superman?" "I am!" "I am like Superman!" "I'm not talking about just walking around in your underwear." "Walkin' in the underwear!" "Let me ask you:" "Would Superman have called me tonight to say he's running late at work even though I could hear" "Gianni's PlayStation in the background?" "Look!" "Up in the sky!" "It's Bad Husband!" "That's right." "Debra?" "May I say something as an impartial observer?" "Wouldn't your time be better spent talking things out with Raymond, instead of turning your children into gamblers?" "Marie, I try to talk to Raymond all the time, but he doesn't listen." "You don't know how bad it can get." "There's a chocolate-covered old man sitting on my good couch, and I don't know how bad it can get?" "This is a good husband." "Any time you want to trade places, just say the word." "I mean, if I were 40 years younger and he wasn't my son" "Okay, Ma." "All right, all right." "And Raymond is also an excellent father, which Frank, I can assure you, was not." "I spent most of my time shielding these boys from his bad moods." "That's right." "Every night Mom would secretly tell us how bad a mood Dad was in on a scale of one to five." "Yeah, I remember." "One meant regular grouchy, and five meant "Run!" "Run for you lives!"" "That's right." "You remember what a skinflint he was?" "That's right, I remember." "I remember you said, "Skinflint's the perfect word for your father, because he's cheap and bald."" "Hey, how about the imitation?" " No." " Yes, do it!" " Do the imitation, Ma." " No no no." "Come on!" "Do it!" "Well, he had this way of bellowing at me." ""Marie, food!" "Marie, drink!" "Marie, Maalox!"" "Oh my God." "What?" "You did it too." "Did what?" "Tried to turn us against our dad." "Just like Debra." "Ray, that's ridiculous." "I don't do anything like Debra." "Yeah, that's a little nuts, Raymond." "Oh, really?" "You don't think that Mom wanted us to think that Dad was a jerk?" "Well, correct me if I'm wrong, but I think he is a jerk." "Of course you think that now after 40 years of anti-papa propaganda!" "Don't you remember when we were kids and Mom would sit you down in the kitchen for one of her chats?" "That never happened to me." "Well, I remember that was my whole Saturday." "Dad would be at the lodge, and Mom would sit me down and just go on and on about how she can't stand him, and she doesn't know how anybody can live with him, and..." "And then when she was finished, I'd get a Cadbury egg." "Marie, why would you have such a personal discussion with your son?" "And why didn't you ever have it with me?" "And you're doing the same thing." "What?" "I-I just made a couple of bets." "Don't kid yourself, lady." "Take a look in the mirror." "All right, all right... that's enough, Raymond." "You have been hurtful to both me and Debra today, and I think you owe a full apology to me." "Oh, I'm gonna apologize..." "to Dad!" "Raymond!" "Excuse me... my father likes cake." "Robby!" "Oh, you're talkin' to me now?" "Because I believe you still owe me half a cake and a couple hundred Cadbury eggs!" "Hey, Dad." "Hey, my cake!" "I was lookin' for that." "Hello, little fella." "Mmm... mm." "So, if I'm thinking right now that he's a slob, that's Ma's fault?" "All right, look." "Hey!" "Listen, Dad." "Uh... in the past," "I may have been under the impression that you were maybe not such a good guy." "But I'm starting to think that I may have been led to believe that you were worse than you are." "Okay?" "So I'm thinking that maybe you're not so bad." "I" "I guess I just wanted you to know that." "Am I dying?" "No, Dad, you're not dying." "Then turn the TV back on." "Dad, listen." "Ma used to talk bad about you behind your back when we were kids." "Every Saturday she would sit me down and complain about you." "And?" "Well, that doesn't bother you?" "What would bother me is if I had to listen." "Hello." "Oh no, don't even try it, Mom, okay?" "I'm talkin' to Dad now, all right?" "You had the first 40 years." "Dad, Mom's the reason that I think you're cheap and bald!" "You didn't get that on your own?" "No!" "No, she didn't give me a chance." "She was always complaining about you." "So men are allowed to do whatever they want, and the women just have to put up with it." "This is the problem with America!" "You're right." "You should leave America." "And it didn't stop with the talking." "I was reading letters at camp about how my Mommy's husband wasn't emotionally available!" "This was the news from home." "Look, this is crazy." "Somebody milk me." "You see?" "That's why I had to go to you." "Who else was there?" "Anyone have a noose?" "Listen, Raymond," "I spent the best years of my life trying to get an ounce of compassion out of this man, and he gave me nothing." "Well, don't tell me, tell him." "You gave me nothing, Frank!" "Thanks a lot, Ray." "Just leave him alone, Ma." "So, this is whose side you're on now?" "No, I'm the son." "I'm not on anybody's side." "Well, I am!" "Since it's been you and Raymond all these years, it's gonna be me and Dad now." "That's right-- us two against you two." "Right, Dad?" "Sure." "Get me some milk." "All right!" "And I'm also available to talk behind Raymond and Ma's back." "I hope you're satisfied, Frank." "You've caused a schism in the family." "Aw, knock it off, Marie." "Didn't you hear?" "Ray's done buying your boo-hoo baloney." "Yeah, especially since I just found out that Debra's doing the same thing." " Oh, yeah?" " Yeah." "She makes bets with the kids that turn them against me." " Wives." " Yeah." "Wives!" "A father lives for moments like these." "Here's your milk, Da" "Ah!" "This milk might have expired." "Listen to me, Ray, your brother's a candy-pants." "But guys like us, we've got to be strong." "Because the truth is, your mother was gonna complain no matter what I did." "So I figured, the hell with it!" "I'm gonna do what I want." "Right?" "Well, uh... okay." "Right!" "Because the more the wife yammers, the more you can't listen." "I've been through 46 years of" ""Why can't you be a better person?" "!"" "Look at me!" "Am I a better person?" "No." "I win!" " Hey." " Hey, listen, I was thinking about" "I'm sorry." "No no, I'm sorry." "Oh, well okay, but I just want you to know that I'm going to try harder around here." "So... you know, you can shut down the casino, okay?" "Look, I even got you that yogurt you said you wanted." "Oh... well, this is sour cream, but I appreciate the effort." "Oh." "Hmm." "Sorry." "No, I'm sorry." "Nobody's gonna bet against you anymore, hmm?" "And you know what?" "From now on, I'm only going to build you up to the kids." " Hmm." "Yeah?" " Yeah." "Like what?" "What are you gonna say?" "You know, all the good stuff-- you're sweet, you're funny, you're a great guy." "Huh." "All right." "That's all good." "When are you going to say that?" "All the time." "Hmm." " How about now?" " What?" "I mean, what do got going on now?" "The kids are just sitting there, and..." "I don't know, l-I'd kind of like to see this." "Ray, that's so awkward." "Can't I just do it when it's natural to do it?" "Come on..." "I got your sour cream." "You know what?" "I'm gonna do it." "Okay." "Wait wait wait wait wait wait." "Wait." "Wait." "Go." "Hey, kids, I wanna talk to you." "Hey, we were watching that!" "Should have waited for the commercials." "Listen, I wanna talk about Daddy." "What's the bet?" "Um... ahem..." "no, you know what?" "We're actually not going to do betting anymore, because I think it's left you with the impression that Daddy's... not so cool." "And Daddy is cool." "No, he is!" "You know that." "You know that, right?" "Listen, I just want you to understand that when were doing all that stuff," "like betting on haircuts and the grocery store and "ls Daddy zipped up today?"" "Listen..." "I want you to know that I think your daddy is a great guy." "He works very hard, he has a lot of fun with you guys, and we're lucky to have him." "I love Daddy very much." "And you know what?" "I would rather be married to him than Superman." "You would?" "Yes, I would." "Hey!" "What are you guys doing here?" "Hey!" "Oh!" "I've been looking for you." "What's going on?" "We were just saying how great Daddy is." "You're great, Daddy." "My my!" "Where's this coming from?" "Aw, you guys, you-- you're great too." "Okay, guys, it's time for bed." "No!" "Come on, guys." "It's bedtime." "How about if Daddy reads you a bedtime story?" "Yeah!" "Oh." "Uh..." "I wanted to watch the Knick game." "Yeah, you know what?" "Forget the Knicks." "I wanna read!" "All right, guys, Superman's coming." "He's gonna read you a story, but he's gonna read it superfast so he can watch the Knicks." "Wait a minute." "Superman wants to use his superpowers." "Ah, you wore the lacy ones." "Hey." "Hey." "What do you got, a new sweater?" "Yeah." "Amy gave it to me." "I been getting compliments all day." "Yeah, it's pretty good, man." "Oh yeah?" "How much you wanna bet Mom won't even notice?" "I'll bet you she will." "You're wrong and you're on." " Hi, Robby." " Hey, Ma." " How's Amy?" " Fine, Ma." "Excuse me, Robby, I have to get to the sink." "Aha!" "I win!" "Congratulations." "Your mother doesn't notice you." "Hey, what's with the ugly sweater?"