"¶ ¶" "TINA:" "Um..." "Is it mustard?" "Uh, ketchup." "We were looking for ketchup." "Oh." "Kids, stop playing "What is it?"" "What do you expect us to do, work?" "Yes." "No." "Hello, Belchers." "Hey, Teddy." "Question." "What are you all doing tomorrow?" "I'm gonna be straight collaging'." "Why do you ask?" "You know that boat that I've been fixing up?" "You've mentioned it." "Well, I finally got her shipshape, and I thought it'd be fun to take you all out." "Kill us?" "No, take you out for a boat ride." "Tomorrow." "Ooh, family boat trip!" "That sounds great, Teddy, if we can get back in time for the lunch rush." "Absolutely." "So I'll put you down for a soft "maybe."" "Huh?" "No, no, no, we're in." "Great." "Well, just let me know for sure, because I got to plan for drinks and stuff like that." "Teddy, we're coming." "We-we said yes." "Mm-hmm." "Okay, so hopefully you'll be there." "I got to go, I got to go." "That's a mean joke to play on your friend, Dad." "What?" "We're going." "Oh." "LINDA:" "¶ We're going sailing ¶" "¶ On a motorboat ¶" "¶ Do-do-do-do ¶" "¶ Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do. ¶" "So, Dad, you're probably wondering why I'm holding this chalkboard eraser from the restaurant." "What?" "Wait." "Why are you holding the eraser from the restaurant?" "I'm glad you asked." "You see, we've had some discussions about me having my own cell phone, haven't we, Father?" "Uh-huh." "Some people say I shouldn't have my own cell phone, because I lose things sometimes." "That people is me, because you lose things sometimes, all the time." "Well, agree to disagree." "Hmm, no." "Has anyone seen my other shoe?" "Has anyone seen a burger on a plate?" "Has anyone seen my toothbrush?" "It was in my mouth a second ago." "Okay, so maybe I lose things sometimes." "But I wouldn't lose a reasonably-priced cell phone with a sensible data package." "And I'm gonna prove it by not losing this eraser all day." "Tina, I like that eraser." "I'm gonna miss it." "Yeah, it was a good eraser." "Rest in peace." "Guys, I'm not gonna lose it." "Oh, my God, where is it?" "LOUISE:" "You just dropped it." "Didn't lose it." "Not lost." "Ahoy, Belchers!" "Wow, look at you." "In a shirt, on a boat." "Hoity-toity." "Yeah." "Teddy, the boat looks amazing." "Thanks." "It was just an outhouse for seagulls when I got it." "Just a floating bucket." "Welcome aboard the Sea Me Now." "So I tricked out everything, as you can see." "Custom drink holders all over the place." "I weatherproofed a couple of loungers." "Secured some additional seating." "Go ahead, try it out." "Super comfy." "So comfy." "Are these from France?" "Maybe." "And this here's mission control." "(whistles)" "Wait, is that the steering wheel from your truck?" "It sure is." "Hey, what do I need two steering wheels for?" "I can't be two places at once, right?" "Also, I popped by the store." "I got some nibbles." "Hello." "Help yourself." "Oh, cheese and crackers, just like on land." "Yeah." "What do you say?" "Should we get this boat on the road?" "Toot-toot." "Yay." "Boat on the road!" "Toot-toot!" "We can go anywhere." "Where do you want to go?" "Probably Mars." "Sacramento?" "Wherever Captain Phillips happened?" "Huh, bup, bup, bup, bup." "Oh, here's someplace we could go." "You know how my ex-wife Denise left me for some guy that's into boats?" "Well, he owns a bar on the docks on Menemshewena Island." "Denise works there, too." "We could swing by there in this really cool boat I have now." "That might be fun, right?" "I mean, right?" "That might be fun." "Now that I think about it for the first time, right?" "Uh..." "Yikes." "Whoa." "Just an idea." "Uh-huh, uh-huh." "Spitballing." "Seems like maybe this isn't the first time you've thought about it?" "Yeah, I was picking up on that, too." "Huh?" "What do you mean?" "Your ex-wife left you for a boat guy." "Yeah." "And you've been fixing up a boat for, like, years and years, ever since your divorce." "Yeah, and?" "You actually called your boat Sea Me Now?" "I don't, I don't get where you're going with this, Bob." "It's a nautical pun." "Teddy, is this whole day all about Denise?" "Maybe you shouldn't try and impress her." "(laughing):" "Impress her?" "Denise?" "What?" "Huh?" "That's crazy." "We have both moved on." "Also, didn't she treat you horribly?" "Didn't she say the back of your head looks like a butt?" "Yes, and that's why I wear a hat." "And didn't she make you go to the bathroom in the yard?" "I was not doing a great job with..." "Yeah, and then I started to enjoy it." "And didn't she cheat on you, like, a lot?" "Yes, but I was working seven, eight hours a day, five days a week sometimes." "Of course she cheated on me all over the place." "I left her no choice, Bobby." "Uh-huh." "Sure." "No, yeah." "Right." "Great." "It's settled." "Setting a course for my ex-wife's boyfriend's waterfront bar!" "Okay, we're getting close." "That's the bar that, uh, her boyfriend owns." "The Schoon Hound." "Classy." "TEDDY:" "There's Denise." "Oh, my God, oh, my God." "Oh, my God, oh, my God." "Teddy, Teddy, rel..." "Oh..." "Relax." "Oh, my God." "Okay, here we go." "Big smiles, everyone." "Hold your plates up." "You're having a great time." "And here we go." "(laughs) Great joke!" "And did everyone get enough expensive fruit salad?" "Oh, hey, Denise." "Crap!" "(growls) No." "She didn't see us." "Well, if at first you don't succeed..." "Oh, boy." "Just got to bring her around." "We're going starboard here, everyone, or port, or something." "Okay, here we go." "Teddy, you really want to try again?" "Damn right I do." "Geez, kind of a wide turn, huh, Teddy?" "TEDDY:" "Yeah, it's not a ten-speed bike, Bob!" "Let me see you rebuild a boat!" "BOB:" "Sorry, Teddy, sorry." "TEDDY:" "I got it, I got it, I got it." "Okay, there she is." "I think she can see us." "Here we go." "(panting)" "(laughing)" "Great joke!" "Okay, huh?" "Did everyone get enough expensive fruit salad?" "LINDA:" "We did." "It's delicious." "LOUISE:" "It tastes like success." "Nope. (growls)" "Not that time, either." "Why would she see me?" "I'm only in a huge boat, yelling her name!" "Who likes U-turns?" "!" "Everyone like U-turns?" "!" "GENE:" "I'm learning to appreciate them." "We're doing a U-turn!" "Right full rudder." "I'm gonna bring her around starboard." "No, port!" "(groans, growls)" "Uh, how you doing, buddy?" "Uh, I'm doing wonderful." "I mean, we're on the ocean." "We're enjoying the ocean, Bobby." "Will you please sit down?" "!" "Yeah, okay." "Smiles, everyone!" "We're doing great since the divorce." "Hey, fruit salad!" "I mean, Denise!" "I mean, look at my boat!" "I'm inside of a boat!" "It's" " I mean, it's my boat." "Teddy?" "Huh?" "Hey." "Hi." "Denise, when did you start... waitressing at your boyfriend's place?" "I mean, is that where your boyfriend owns that?" "(all grunt)" "(people gasping)" "So, uh, good catching up." "This fruit salad-- oh, my God, the best." "Oh, God." "Oh, boy." "Do you think that Denise noticed that I crashed the boat?" "What?" "No." "Uh, I'm not Teddy, by the way." "(wood creaking)" "That doesn't sound good." "Crap!" "We're still stuck." "I'm gonna give it all she's got." "(engine revving)" "(Teddy growling)" "(wood cracking)" "We're free!" "(grunts) Crap!" "BOB:" "Oh, boy." "LOUISE:" "And that's how you make an exit, people." "Great job, Teddy." "There is blowing it, and there is blowing it!" "What?" "It was fine." "ALL:" "Mm-hmm." "Mm-hmm." "Not too many people were taking videos with their phones." "I pretended to take one, but don't worry," "I won't post it anywhere." "(groans)" "Not how I imagined this going." "Me and my stupid butt-head. (growls)" "Let's get you home." "Maybe by tomorrow, or next Christmas, you can laugh about the whole thing." "Teddy, Linda's right." "All of this is probably for the best, so, uh... smooth sailing from here." "Uh-huh, uh-huh." "Uh, does that smoke look extra smoky to you guys?" "I mean, it doesn't look great coming from a motor." "That smoke is coming from the motor?" "I thought we were slow-roasting ribs." "Oh, whoa, yeesh." "That dock sure did a number on us." "Teddy, when's a good time to tell you there's water coming into the boat?" "Is now a good time, or should I...?" "Oh, no, no, no, no, no." "That's not ideal." "TINA:" "Not an ideal time?" "Okay, I'll tell you later." "Are we sinking?" "Uh..." "I mean, yes, but..." "But-but w-we can make it home, right?" "I mean, we're gonna be fine, of course, no." "But just to be safe, we should probably radio the Coast Guard, and everyone put on life vests." "Come on, kids, do it 'cause it's fun!" "Oh, my God." "TEDDY:" "Okay, we just got to turn it to channel 16." "Where's the thing that I talk into?" "Wha-What do you mean?" "The thing that you press." "Wait, it's not there?" "Oh, boy." "Oh." "What, Teddy?" "You know that little mic thing that you're supposed to plug in right here?" "Yeah." "Well, the good news is, it was perfect for my policeman costume for Halloween." "The bad news is, we don't have a working radio." "Are you serious?" "!" "I took part of it to make..." "I was third." "I won third." "You took the part that we need to talk into right now, 'cause we're sinking." "And now my phone's not getting a signal." "Me, either." "Nothing." "Wait, so we can't call for help?" "Well, there is a flare gun." "Every boat should have one of these, but that's for, like, a real emergency." "Yeah, let's all keep our eyes peeled for a real emergency." "Hmm, right." "I see what you're saying." "Well, we've got one flare, so this has to be the perfect shot." "(flare splashes)" "Huh." "Maybe a fish will swim for help." "Now what, Teddy?" "Now what do we do?" "Okay, calm down, Bob." "Why?" "Wh-Why should I calm down?" "Can I talk to you over here for a sec?" "Teddy messed up, all right?" "He did." "But blowing your top at him isn't gonna help anything." "We don't know that, Lin;" "it might." "Look, just don't go nuts on the poor guy." "Fine, we'll just calmly sink to the bottom of the ocean." "Okay, everybody, I might be partially to blame for some stuff today, but I've got a plan." "I think we can make it to this little island right here." "The map says it's a private island." "You know, it could be Caffery's Island." "Mr. Caffery of Caffery's Taffy?" "And Caffery's bootlegged liquor?" "I think we could all use a drink, right?" "Yeah, I could use a cordial." "I think one of these little islands was his, or still is." "I mean, rich people can own stuff even after they're dead, right?" "Dead raccoons act like they own the road." "TEDDY:" "Is there a dock?" "I'm not seeing a dock." "(crash) What was that?" "You hit a rock." "A-A couple of rocks." "Ah, they had it coming." "Yeah, why not?" "Why not hit a couple of rocks?" "!" "(growls)" "I think this is as far as we're going here." "We can't get any closer to shore." "(groans)" "All right, I guess we're getting wet." "It's okay." "It's just like at the mall." "Sometimes you got to park far away and hoof it." "Dropping anchor." "Still got my eraser phone, Dad." "And I'm not letting it get wet." "That's great, Tina." "It's super important right now." "Tell me about it." "Oh, land!" "You sweet son of a bitch, get over here!" "LINDA (reading):" "Oh, that's not good." "You'd think if you had a private island, you could afford to get rid of the danger." "Maybe it's luxury danger." "(French accent):" "Dangier." "Well, we don't have a choice." "We have to find help." "Look, on top of the hill." "There's a house." "Good eye, Louise." "Eh, I can notice things, too." "Look, there's an eraser on the ground." "Damn it!" "Wait." "Starting up." "Phew." "It still works." "(distant growling) Shh." "Did you guys hear something?" "Do you mean ever, or just now?" "I didn't hear anything." "What the... ?" "!" "(growling) (screaming)" "Cows!" "Tell them we don't sell hamburgers!" "Tell them we don't sell hamburgers!" "Oh, no, oh, God." "What do we do?" "What do we do?" "Uh, they keep moving closer." "They look so mad." "What's their problem?" "And why are they so hairy?" "Get a haircut and a job, you hippies!" "How'd you get out of Burlington, Vermont?" "!" "Okay, everyone walk slowly to the right, and maybe don't look them in the eyes." "All right." "Looking at my feet, very casual." "(singing)" "TEDDY:" "They're still coming." "Th-They're not stopping." "BOB:" "Oh, no." "I don't like their attitude right now." "LINDA:" "Yeah, they are mad at us." "Why are they mad at us?" "I think we should run." "I think we should run toward those rocks." "Good plan." "Uh, uh, uh," "I'm pretty sure cattle can't climb rocks, right?" "And go, go, go, go, go!" "LINDA:" "Oh, no, oh, no, getting cut off." "We're gonna go to those rocks." "Okay, uh, we'll keep going to these rocks!" "(mooing)" "LINDA:" "We made it!" "Climb up towards the house!" "We'll meet you there!" "I think we'll be okay if we stay off the grass." "Yeah, get off my lawn!" "TEDDY:" "Uh, I can't believe I got us in this mess." "SeaMeNowisright." "See me bring a bunch of kids to an island with deadly cattle." "Not the day I pictured." "Not how it looked on my vision board, and not how I saw it going down with Denise." "But maybe it wasn't the best plan, I mean." "What were you even gonna say to Denise?" "If you didn't crash the boat so loudly?" "Uh, I guess I was gonna say something like," ""Ahoy, Denise."" "Uh..." "Uh-huh, and then what?" "That's all I had." "Ugh, I'm useless." "Aw." "Well, maybe it would make you feel better if we do some role-playing, and, uh, we pretend it went great." "And I'll be Denise, and you be you." "Okay." "And I'll be Denise's boyfriend." "Proud owner of The Schoon Hound." "Uh, ahoy, Denise." "Uh, did you, did you see my boat?" "Ahoy to you, Teddy." "Wow, look at your boat!" "It's just beautiful." "TINA:" "Yeah, I'm super jealous." "And that woman with you, the one with the glasses, she looks fun." "She your girlfriend?" "What?" "Who, Linda?" "No, she's a friend." "She's-she's Bob's wife." "Hi, you." "I'm Denise." "I'm Linda." "Linda, I love that name." "You look so smart." "And who's that cool teen with the barrette?" "I assume she's got her own cell phone." "Uh, I think you guys are getting a little off track." "Right, right, right." "Teddy, you look great." "Leaving you for this idiot was the dumbest thing I ever did." "Really?" "Absolutely." "She's right." "You should be with Denise, not me." "I've got The Schoon Hound;" "I'll be fine." "Come on, let's give love a second chance." "What do you say?" "I say, "Let's do it!"" "Let's get back together." "I'm gonna fix up my boat again." "And then we'll fix up our marriage." "And scene." "Oh, my God, I'm crying." "I just got chills." "Can we do one where you say," ""It looks like you lost ten pounds"?" "How long should we wait for him?" "Is he dead?" "Wait for who?" "I forget who was behind us." "(panting):" "That wasn't, uh... so... so tough." "(groans)" "Here we are." "Good news, everybody." "We did our role-playing game, and we came to the conclusion that as soon as we get off the island," "Denise and I are gonna get back together!" "What are you talking about?" "What is he talking about?" "Um, it sounds worse when he says it." "Uh, you weren't there, Bob." "I was there." "I played that no-good son of a bitch boyfriend of hers." "Oh, my God." "Hey, look at us." "Almost to the house on the hill." "GENE:" "They'd better have cable and kettle corn!" "Oh, no, no, no." "We're supposed to go over that?" "Are you kidding me?" "I'll go, and if I make it across," "I'll call for help." "(boards creaking)" "That was a super creak." "(Tina moaning)" "It's super creaky, yow!" "I don't know, Teddy." "It seems like that bridge might completely fall apart." "It might, but that's a risk I got to take." "Okay, good luck." "You guys wait here." "I was born to be on Team Wait Here." "Okay, here I go." "(boards creaking)" "Making progress." "Careful, Teddy." "Wait till Denise hears about this." "This is gonna make one very impressive story." "If I don't make it, tell her I died a hero." "So you'll be dead, but you still want to impress her." "And kind of, uh, embellish it a little, you know." "Maybe I did a cool flip like a diver or something." "Yeah, I guess." "Yeah, we'll, we'll tell her." "Okay." "(boards creaking)" "Boy, this, uh, bridge does not feel sturdy." "Guys?" "Guys?" "Guys, behind you." "(mooing) (screaming)" "Everybody over the bridge!" "Go, go, go!" "LINDA:" "Easy, easy." "GENE:" "I'm glad this is easy for you, but I'm freaking out!" "LOUISE:" "Careful, careful, careful, okay." "Okay, the cows are smarter than we are." "They're not getting on this bridge." "BOB:" "Just keep moving and try not to be heavy, everybody." "Hey, I skipped brunch today." "No, I didn't." "Okay, step by step." "Easy does it." "(screaming)" "ALL:" "Tina!" "Let the eraser go." "Y-You need both hands." "But I haven't lost it this whole time." "I'm not about to let go of it now." "You can have a phone, all right?" "Just grab on to the rail." "Oh, okay, cool." "That was a great eraser." "One of the best." "Terrible reception though." "(all panting)" "LINDA:" "We made it!" "Oh, my babies." "(grunting)" "Who are you?" "!" "(screaming)" "What are you doing here?" "!" "Just kicking it." "W-We're not here on purpose." "Get out of here!" "This is private property!" "We know." "It's Caffery's Island." "Yes, and it's my job to protect it." "So get off this island!" "We'd love to, sir, but we're stranded here and we just want to use your phone." "Also, please don't weed-whack us." "I might if you don't skedaddle." "Imagine this is your shins." "No, we-we get it." "Just listen," "Teddy's boat is all busted and crashed on the rocks out there." "I'm Teddy." "The guy with the boat that he was just talking about." "Right." "So can we borrow your phone to call for help?" "All right, I won't whack you." "Come on in." "I'll give you a tour and I'll see if I have any of my trespasser's punch." "Ooh, punch!" "And this is the parlor." "So, uh, is this where the phone is?" "We'll get there eventually." "I'm just guessing, but is it just you out here by yourself, Nathaniel?" "Oh, yeah." "Just me, my gardening tools and the cattle." "Yeah, you could put that down at any time." "No, thanks." "And why are there terrifying cattle running wild on this island?" "Those are Highland longhorns." "Mr. Caffery imported them all the way from Scotland." "Theywereagifttothelove ofhislife,Gwendolyn." "ShewasScottish!" "TINA:" "Aw." "NATHANIEL:" "But she did not returnhisaffections." "TINA:" "Oh." "Hell, he bought this island for her." "For Gwendolyn, the Scot!" "Yup." "And he named it How-Boutcha-Love-Me Island." "And he built this house for her, which he named "the house that Caffery built for Gwendolyn."" "That man had all the money in the world, but he couldn't get the woman he loved to love him back." "Shelefthimfor anAustrian countnamedLipshitz." "Andthecattlehaveoverrun thisislandeversince." "Wait, Teddy, you're just like Caffery." "I am?" "Yes." "Caffery did all this stuff to impress this Gwendolyn lady." "Uh-huh." "It's just like you with your boat." "You're right." "Yes!" "Finally!" "I could buy an island!" "For Denise!" "That'll help me win her back." "Oh, my God!" "What?" "Teddy!" "Stop it!" "Stop it!" "Stop it!" "(groaning)" "LINDA:" "Bob, Bob, Bob!" "Teddy, I think what Bob is trying to say is that you should forget about Denise." "And forget about our fun and creative role-playing, which maybe was not so helpful." "I'm still proud of the work I did." "You don't have to let Denise know you're doing all right." "You can just do all right." "And you are all right, all right?" "If you would just stop it." "Ah!" "Okay, okay, okay, Bobby, let him go." "Or shake him more?" "Or give him a raspberry on his belly." "That'll teach him." "It's just, we love you, Teddy." "We want the best for you." "NATHANIEL:" "Wow, look at you people." "Listen, I don't offer this to most trespassers, but you folks seem odd." "Okay." "You don't need to use the phone." "I got a boat and a lot of time." "I could tow you home." "You-you have a boat?" "Yes." "Got a couple." "In the boathouse." "Boathouse?" "We didn't see a boathouse." "'Cause you came up on the wrong side of the island." "The front of the property's beautiful." "Have a look." "That's the place to trespass." "Oh, yeah, that's good trespassing." "Next time maybe." "NATHANIEL:" "Geez, you dinged it up pretty good." "Nobody light a match or flick your butts over this way." "You're leaking diesel all over the place." "Did he say "flick your butts"?" "Excuse me, where can we flick our butts?" "'Cause that needs to happen pretty soon." "Dad, I wanted to say thank you for thinking" "I'm responsible enough for my own cell phone." "Which we both agree I am." "Yes, Tina." "You'll be a great cell phone owner." "I know." "I will." "Someday." "But I don't want my own cell phone right now." "You don't?" "No, I couldn't take my eyes off the eraser the whole day." "And if you're always looking down, then you're missing what's around... you." "What's around you." "Oh." "Okay, Tina." "I guess that's great." "Cheaper, too." "And I think you should read more, Dad." "I feel like I've never seen you read a book." "Okay." "That's enough, Tina." "And have you ever sat down and talked to Mom, just really talked?" "Huh." "Mm." "Dad, no more screen time for you." "We're gonna have to take your phone away." "Yup." "That's that." "Oh!" "Whoa." "Whoa." "Ooh, that's a fire!" "Teddy!" "Did you do that?" "!" "I did." "You were right, Bob." "Okay, but, I mean, I didn't say set it on fire." "Tell you the truth, I never even liked boats." "Eh, you know who likes boats?" "Guys that are trying to impress their exes, that's who." "Not me." "I like boats." "Should we be towing that still?" "I mean... maybe we cut her loose?" "'Cause it's on fire?" "Cuttin' her loose!" "Teddy, you could've sold that boat for parts or something, right?" "Or, I mean, I would have taken a free boat." "Just saying." "Nah, a fresh start is good." "Time for me to live my life for me." "I'm pretty sure all of our wallets and stuff were on there." "Oh, yeah?" "Huh." "So... a fresh start for all of us then, huh?" "(explosion)" "Eh." "Oh." "Guess the steering wheel from my truck's on there, too." "Can I get a ride home with you guys?" "BOB:" "Oh, God." "TEDDY:" "Eh." "The way home's mostly straight." "I'll probably make it." "¶ Somewhere beyond the sea ¶" "¶ Somewhere waiting' for me ¶" "¶ My lover stands on golden sands ¶" "¶ And watches the ships ¶" "¶ That go sailin' ¶" "¶ Somewhere ¶" "¶ Beyond the sea ¶" "¶ She's there watching for me ¶" "¶ If I could fly like birds on high... ¶" "Captioned by MediaAccessGroupatWGBH"