"# I'll fetch the suitcase from the van" "# 'Cause if you want the best 'uns But you don't ask questions" "# Then, brother, I'm your man" "# 'Cause where it all comes from is a mystery" "# It's like the changing of the seasons And the tides of the sea" "# But here's the one that's driving me berserk:" "# Why do only fools and horses work?" "#" " All right, Debbie?" " Hello, Rodney." ""Hello, Debbie." "Hello, Rodney."" "Shut up, will ya?" " Hello, darling." " Been up to the hospital, love?" " Yeah, we just come back." " How is he?" "Moaning." "The doctors are trying to take his hat off, but he wouldn't have it." "They gave him an X-ray and found he had a pulled ligament in the wallet and severe fraying of the trilby." "Give him my love." "He ain't up to nothing like that!" "Psst!" "This is awkward." "What is?" "Well, I wanted to buy one of my adult art magazines." "What's the problem?" "Debbie's serving." "We've been seeing each other, sort of thing." " She might think I'm odd." " She's gotta find out sometime." "Get it for us, would you, Del?" "All right." "All right, Rodney." "Cheers, Del." "You're a pal." "Exchange and Mart, and give me one of yer dirty magazines, darling." "Which one do you want?" "Which one do you want, Rodney?" ""What one do you want, Rodney?"" "I don't believe you sometimes." "I wish I'd had my Polaroid." "You should have seen your face." " You've embarrassed me!" " I've embarrassed you?" "!" "It's all right for some bird to think I'm a pervo, is it?" "You ain't taking her out, are ya?" "Don't know." "I ain't made my mind up yet." "Oh, listen to him, will you?" "(HORN TOOTS)" "Oi, oi!" "Hey, what's your game, eh?" "My mum says she's gonna kill me." "Well, she won't need to with you running across the road like that!" "Ain't you heard of the Green Cross Code?" "I'm gonna be killed in a minute." "No, you're not." "She's not gonna kill ya." " She said she was." " I know." "Mums say lots of things they don't mean." "Tell you what." "Get yourself an ice-cream at the pakis on the corner." " What about my brother?" " Where's he?" "That's your brother, is it (?" ")" "You'd better get him one an' all." "Just a minute!" "Why was your mum telling you off?" "I let down the tyres on that motor." "That's our...!" "I'll kill you!" "Bloody hell, Del." "Look at that." "Aw!" "They're little scallywags round here, ain't they?" "It's nothing to laugh at, Del." "I mean, look at it." "They're only kids, though." "I used to do the same thing when I was a nipper." "I remember me and Albie Littlewood, we let a couple of tyres down once." "You should have seen the palaver." "Everyone had to get off the bus." "Those were the days." "Still." "I'll go round the garage and get the foot pump for you." "Yeah, right." "Oi!" "Hold on." "What do you mean, you'll get ME the foot pump?" "You're getting independent, ain't yer?" "All right." "Go and get your own foot pump." "And like it!" "All right, champ?" "What are you doing?" "Running away from home." "Running away from home, are you?" "Ain't got very far, have you?" "My mum says I mustn't cross the road." "That makes it difficult, dunnit?" "Where's your brother?" "His dad says he has to go in." "I see." "I reckon that's the best place for you to go an' all, don't you?" "She'll kill me." "No, she won't." "Listen, they were my tyres that you let down, weren't they?" "So I'll come home with you and I'll tell your mum hat I asked you to let my tyres down 'cause I wanted to see how long it would take my brother to pump them back up again." " How's that, eh?" " All right, then." "Good boy." "You know it makes sense." "Come on, then." "You'd better get in 'cause the bogeyman will be coming soon." "I've seen the bogeyman." "Oh, yeah?" "What's he look like?" "He's got a funny old hat and he wears pyjamas under his mac." "That's not the bogeyman, that's my grandad." " Come on, then." "Is this your house?" " Yes." "Don't you worry." "She'll be as sweet as a nut, I guarantee." "Stay there." "Where have you been?" "I was just about to call the police." "Look at the state of you." "Go and put your pyjamas on." "I'll see to you in a minute." " Does that go for me an' all?" " What?" "Del!" "Oh, I don't believe it!" " June." "How're you going?" " Oh, I'm fine." "Great." "You don't still live on the estate, do you?" "Yeah." "Over the way." "Nelson Mandela House." "When did you move in here?" "About six weeks back." "Don't stand out there." "People will think you're the tally man." "Come in." "Right. 'Ere, hang about." "What about the old man?" "Er, he's gone away for a bit." "Oh?" "Gone away for a bit?" "Anyone we know?" "He's soundo already." "Didn't even want a bedtime story tonight." "He's a little scallywag, ain't he?" "Oh, he's a right handful." "Do you know what he did today?" "He only let the tyres down on some crappy old three-wheeled van!" "Oh, yeah?" " I think he misses his dad." " Yeah." "I used to miss my dad - till I learnt to punch straight!" "When does the old man get out?" "Oh, he's not in prison, Del." "No." "He, er...works on an oil rig." "When are you expecting him back?" "About six months if he keeps his nose clean." "I'd have popped over and seen ya, but I didn't think you'd still be living here." "Do you remember what you used to say to me all those years ago?" "I remember a lot of things I said to you!" "I don't mean that." "You used to say, "This time next year, I'll be a millionaire"." "Did I?" "What a wally." "We were much younger then." "Anything seemed possible in them days." "'Ere, how long ago was it that you and I stopped seeing each other?" "Ooh, must be 19 years now!" "19 years?" "!" "It's longer than that, in fact." "We broke up in September 1965." "Just after Albie Littlewood's funeral." "That's right." "We were a right little team up till then, weren't we?" "The Famous Four!" "You and me, Albie and..." "What was his girlfriend's name?" " Dierdre." " That's it." "Dierdre." "I often wonder what would have happened if he hadn't been coming to see me that night." "If he hadn't taken a shortcut across the railway line." "If his bike hadn't accidentally fallen on the live rail." "What's the point in talking about "ifs"?" "If me brother had been a bird, he would have been me sister, eh?" "Oh, yeah, you had a kid brother." "Rodney." "How is he?" "He's all right." "He's reached that awkward age" " Iike a trifle." " What d'you mean, mixed up?" " No." "He's thick and fruity." "And what about your grandad?" "Well, he's not too fit at the moment." "He's laid up in Dock." "But, given half the chance, he could be thick and fruity an' all!" "I take it you never got married?" "Eh?" "Me?" "No, no, no." "No." "I just get engaged." "Talking of that, you still got my engagement ring?" "Yeah." "You don't want it back, do ya?" "No." "I was just wondering, that was all." "No, I was just wondering, like..." "I could always whip over home and get my Sheena Easton LP if you like." "There's not much point." "I haven't got a record player." "Oh." "I'll have to keep me eye open for one for you." "Don't worry." "You leave it to me, all right?" "Oh, Del." "(DOORBELL)" "'Ere, Del." "Help yourself to a drink." "Yeah." "Thanks, Juney." "Wha-hey." "(JUNE) Oh, come in, love." "It's all right." "Friend of my daughter's." "Babes, it's for you!" "She's got that bloody radio on again." "She'll wake Jason." "You little plonker." "What are you doing here?" "What am I...?" "What are you doing here?" "This is where Debbie lives, that girl from the..." " 'Ere, you're not trying to...?" " No, I am not!" " I'm a friend of her mum's." " Yeah?" "When did you meet her, then?" "1964." "You've only just come to see her?" "No!" "I was engaged to her, soppy!" "What, another one?" "Stone me, Del, you've been engaged more times than a switchboard!" "Don't you start getting lippy." "Don't bother with that." "They ain't got a record player." "That's all right." "I ain't got a record!" "You are a saucy little git..." "Oi!" "I've got one of those at home on the sideboard!" "I'll get you another one tomorrow." "Yeah." "I think you'd better..." "Juney!" "June, you'll never guess who that is." "That is little Rodney." " You're kidding?" " No." "Straight up." "I don't believe it." "Last time I saw you, you were about that high." "How old was he, Del?" "About two and a half." "Anyway, it's very nice to meet you again, Rodney." "And you...ma'am." "Leave it out, Rodney!" "You're making me feel quite Tom and Dick." " You can call me June." " Oh, thank you." "Debbie's just putting some clothes on." " Oh, she needn't bother." " What?" "!" "No, no, no." "I mean, she needn't bother to put on anything special." "Um, I was thinking, actually... if you two wanted to go out and chat about old times and all that," "I'm sure me and Debbie wouldn't mind babysitting." "What do you think, Del?" "I daren't tell you what I think!" "Let's go out for a drink, shall we?" " Hello, Rodney." " Debs." " You all right, darling?" " Oh, wotcher?" "You two met?" "He came in the shop for a dirty magazine." "Actually, listen..." "I was just saying we wouldn't mind babysitting if Del and your mum went out." " Yeah, that suits me." " I'll get my coat." "Yeah, right, darling." "'Ere, I'd do that up if I was you." "You'll get a cold on your chest." "It's Debbie's house, she can do what she likes." "Brandy, Debs?" "Brandy, eh?" "You're splashing out!" "Well, he's celebrating, ain't he?" "Celebrating what?" "Hasn't he told you?" "He's heard from the clinic." "He's got an all-clear." "There you go." "Old times, eh?" "Old times." " Cheers." " Cheers." "Juney, there's always been something bothering me." "If it's something from the past, let's leave it there." "It's just that I always wondered why you left so suddenly like that - no letter, word, nothing." "It's personal, Del." "All over and done with now, right?" "Can't we talk about something happier?" "Yeah, of course." "What they put your old man in prison for?" "He stole some watches." "Oh, I see." "Ain't still got 'em, have you?" "We're getting divorced when he comes out." "The marriage never worked from the start." "It seems to have lasted quite a while." "Oh, no." "We've only been married seven years." "Seven years?" "But what about Debbie?" "She must be..." "Sorry." " He's not Debbie's father." " I wasn't trying to..." "You know." "It's her birthday next week." "We're going to have a party." "Do you fancy coming?" "Yeah, not 'alf!" "I'll have some of that." "I'll have to get that record player a bit lively." " Yes." " What do you want?" "Same again?" " I'd love another one." " OK." " Where are you, Maureen?" " Here you go, Del." "Right." "Cheers, Trig." "Same again, love." "That's a Singapore Sling and half a Strongbow." "What are you up to, Micky?" "I've just come from evening school." "I'm learning Aikido." "Really?" "Oh." "Go on, then, say something." " Eh?" " Say something in Aikido." "Nah, it's not a language, Del." "It's a martial art." "I had a fight with five blokes last night." "Was it a pillow fight?" "Don't give me that." "You ain't got a mark on you." "That's 'cause I wiped them all out with Aikido." "Can you smell that?" "What is that?" "Sheep, is it?" "It's cows." "No, I know what it is." "It's bullshit!" "I'm telling you the truth, Del." "Leave it out." "I can always tell when you're lying." " How?" " Your lips move." " 'Ere, love." " £2.49." "Cheers." " Where's Rodney tonight?" " Round at that young Debbie's place." "I don't know what he sees in her." "She's just a kid." "She's nineteen next week, mouthy." "What about your 19th birthday, Micky?" " What about it?" " You looking forward to it?" "Nineteen?" "Nineteen!" "Wait a minute." "That Debbie, she can't be nineteen." "She's nineteen next Wednesday, Del." "I've got an invitation to her 19th birthday party." " No." "That's impossible." " What's the matter with you, Del?" "Nineteen and a half years ago, me and Debbie's mum were..." "Oh, my Gawd!" " What are you talking about, Del?" " Eh?" " What are you talking about?" " Oh, nothing." "No, forget it." "Just...no." "Juney..." "Juney, I know why you left so suddenly all them years ago." "Do you?" "Pot-pourri!" "Why didn't you tell me?" "I couldn't." "I didn't know how you'd take the news." "I'm just going to the bog." "All right, Del Boy?" "No, I'm not all right, Trig!" "I don't know what I'm going to do." "I just don't know what I'm going to do." "Hang on, Del Boy, leave it to me." "Hurry up!" "We've got an emergency out here!" "No, no, not that, Trigger!" "Come 'ere." "Listen to me." "Do you remember 20 years ago, I was engaged to that bird?" " June?" " Yeah." "I remember." "She's back on the estate." "That's right." "Well, she's got a 19-year-old kid." "Yeah." "Debbie." "Works in the paper shop." "So what?" "So what?" "!" "Me and Juney broke up 19 and a half years ago." "That means she was expecting her at the time." "Which means Debbie is my kid!" "But she's a pretty girl." "Of course she is!" "I mean, look - a chip off the old block, eh?" "Didn't June say nothing to you at the time?" " Not a dicky bird." " Are you sure, Del?" "I would have remembered something like that, Trig!" " Are you sure she's your kid?" " She's gotta be." "She's just gotta be." "Yeah." "The little cow short-changed me the other day." "Well, that is it, then, innit?" " You told the family?" " No, I've only just found out." "Gawd knows what Grandad and Rodney are going to say when..." "Rodney!" "Rodney!" "Put her down, Rodney!" " You're back early." " Yes." "Ain't we just, eh?" "I'm going to bed, Del!" "No, Juney, we've got to talk!" "I knew this was how you'd behave." "That's why I didn't tell ya." "I'll see you around sometime..." " No, listen, June..." " Maybe!" "We've gotta talk." "You've made another lasting impression, I see." "Get up out of there!" "Give Debbie some air." "The poor girl can't breathe!" "All right!" "You want another brandy, Deb?" " No, she don't." " I'll make my own decisions." "Yes, of course." "It's just that you might make yourself sick and you don't want to be ill for your party." " It's Debbie's birthday next week." " Yeah..." "I thought it was mine tonight." "I'll get you a nice present, shall I...dear?" "I'll get you a solid gold watch, eh?" "A couple of hundred quid at least." "No rubbish." " All right." " What's your game, Del?" "Just feeling generous, that's all." "Come on, Rodney." "I'll give you a lift home." "Del, we only live 50 yards across the precinct!" "I know that, but there were a load of muggers hanging about." " Oh, yeah?" " Yeah!" "Perhaps I'd better go, Debs." "Gotta be up early." "All right, then." "Goodnight." "Goodnight..." "Pleasant dreams." "Well..." "Goodnight, Debs." " Goodnight." " Come on!" "Just what is your game, Del?" "All that, "Shall I buy you a nice gold watch, dear?"" "And "Sweet dreams"!" "I was just being friendly, that's all." " You're trying to pull her!" " I am not trying to pull her!" "What do you think I am?" "Some kind of sicko?" "You're trying to interfere with me and Debbie." "I am not trying to interfere." "Listen, Rodney, I just don't think you two are right for each other." "It's got nothing to do with you!" "Me and Debbie think we're right for each other!" "As a matter of fact, we're thinking of getting engaged." "You're what?" "!" "You can't get engaged to her, Rodney!" "What I mean is..." "What I mean is, you're too young." "I'm 24, Del." "By the time you was my age, you'd been engaged to every bird this side of the water." "You're just jealous, ain't yer?" "You can't stand the thought that I might end up with a nice wife." "You're going to end up with a nice stretch if you ain't careful!" "Rodney, you mustn't get engaged to her." "Give me one good reason why I mustn't!" "'Cause she's my daughter." "That's why." " Debbie is your daughter...?" " Yeah." "No, it's not real." "It's not happening to me." "I'm in the middle of a bad trip and I'm going to wake up soon." "I've worked it out on the calculator, Rodney." "Me and Juney broke up 19 and a half years ago." "It's Debbie's 19th birthday next week." "You're the one with the GCE in maths." "Work it out yourself." "She probably met someone after you." "No." "She was born a couple of months after." "Then she was premature." "Premature?" "She'd have been bloody instant!" "But she's a pretty girl." "I know that." "I can see Mum in her." "Come on." "Cheer up, Rodney." "Cheer up?" "I've met the first girl in my life who really means something to me, and it turns out to be my bloody niece!" "All right, Rodney." "Come on." "That's why I had to tell you." "This sort of thing, it ain't allowed." "It's..." "Well, it's incense." "Say you had got married to her, eh?" "You can see what sort of confusion that would have led to." "I would have been your father-in-law." "Bloody hell." "Your mother-in-law would have been your aunt." "Your wife would have been your second cousin." "Gawd knows what that would have made Grandad - the Fairy Godmother!" "Del, are you absolutely certain of this?" "Yeah." "Well, as certain as I'll ever be." "Just think, eh, Rodney." "Young Debbie has grown up all these years and she never knew that I..." "I was her daddy." "Think I ought to tell her?" "Eh?" "No." "It could come as a great disappoint..." "Great shock." "Perhaps you're right." " Will you do something for me?" " Yeah." "You go and see June, right?" "Go and see her and find out if it's definite." "Definitely definite." "Yeah." "Tomorrow." "Definite." "Promise." "I'm going to bed." "I bet I have a nightmare." "I bet I'll have a nightmare when my wife keeps calling me Uncle Rodney." "All right, Del." "You've got five minutes." "Say what you have to say and then go." "Is Debbie in?" "No." "She's gone over her auntie's." "If you've come here to dig up the past again, forget it." "Things have got to be discussed." " What sort of things?" " Look, Juney, I know." "So you said last night." "Are you going to tell her or shall I?" " Tell her what?" " Don't play the innocent with me." "Tell her that I am her father." "You're her...?" "Oh, Del." "When you said you knew, I thought you really knew." "Debbie's not your kid." "She is." "Come on." "She was born six months after we broke up." "She must be." "Well, if I'm not her father, then who is?" "Albie Littlewood." "Albie Littlewood?" "Albie Littlewood." "My bestest friend in all the world." "The greatest pal a bloke could have." "And all the time, he was doinking my bird." "That's why I left." "How could he do it to me?" "We was blood brothers." "We were just kids." "We were just playing games." "That night he died on the railway lines, he wasn't coming to meet you in the pub, he was coming to meet me." "For nigh on 20 years, I've carried that guilt around with me." "It's hung round my neck like some two-ton medallion." "Well, now you're free of it, ain't you?" "Albie didn't take the short-cut for you." "That's not the reason why I was feeling guilty." "'Cause if he had made it across the railway lines that night, he wouldn't have met me in the pub." "I wasn't in the pub." "I was round at his bird Dierdre's place." "You were with Dierdre?" "!" "It's all right, June." "We were only playing games." "We were only playing games." "Well, you dirty little toe-rag!" " Hello, Mum." " Hello, love." "I've brought Micky back." "We're going to my room." "Evening, young Michael." "All right?" "Wotcher, Del." "I just met Debbie walking across the estate." "I thought I'd make sure she got home safely." "Thought you'd escort the young lady back to her bedroom?" "Well, I just thought...you know." "Yeah." "I know, Micky." "I know only too well, my son." "Goodnight to you all." "Oh, Mickey." "Don't take the short-cut across the railway line." "# We've got some half-price cracked ice" "# And miles and miles of carpet tiles" "TVs, deep freeze and David Bowie LPs" "# Ball games, gold chains, what's-their-names and at a push" "# Some Trevor Francis tracksuits From a mush in Shepherd's Bush" "# Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush" "# No income tax, no VAT" "# No money back, no guarantee" "# Black or white, rich or broke" "# We'll cut prices at a stroke" "# God bless Hooky Street" "# Viva Hooky Street" "# Long live Hooky Street C'est magnifique, Hooky Street... #" "# Stick a pony in me pocket" "# I'll fetch the suitcase from the van" "# 'Cause if you want the best 'uns But you don't ask questions" "# Then, brother, I'm your man" "# 'Cause where it all comes from is a mystery" "# It's like the changing of the seasons An the tides of the sea" "# But here's the one that's driving me berserk:" "# Why do only fools and horses work?" "#" " All right, Trig?" " Yeah." "I'm all right." "Um..." "Well..." "Er..." "It's all right." "I know, Trig." "I know, mate." "You going back to the flat, are you?" " Yeah." "I'm coming back." " Yeah." "Do us a favour, will you?" "Go and open up." "I've got one or two things to do." "Bung the vicar a couple of quid." "That sort of thing." "Um..." "See that three over there?" "They're the North London branch of the family." "Make 'em welcome, will ya?" "Keep your eye on them, eh?" "Yes, sure." "Cheers, Trig." "I love a nice funeral." "Why don't you hang about?" "There's two more after this." "Sorry." "We'll leave the car, shall we?" "Yeah." "We'll have a nice little walk, eh?" "Yeah." "Let's have a nice walk, eh?" "Oi!" "Gently!" "All right, Michael?" "How's business in the pub?" "Not bad, Boycie." "Not bad." "You didn't hear, did you?" "Thursday, some berk nicked me cigarette machine." "Never!" "What about that sonic burglar alarm Del Boy sold you?" "Oh, yeah." "They nicked that an' all." "Just make some excuse, Stan." "Say we're in a hurry or something." "But it's a funeral, love." "We've gotta get all the way back to North London." "If we don't leave now, we'll cop the rush hour." "I don't want to go back either, Jean, but I'm family." "And I want to go back there." "He was my brother." "It's got nothing to do with you, Uncle Albert." "Stay out of it." "You and him didn't talk to each other for years." "Me and your Aunt Ada didn't talk to each other for years, but she was still me wife." "Come on." "We'll go back for 'alf an hour, show our respect." "We'll only have him whining all the way home." "Don't you dare light that pipe in my car." " It was a lovely service, vicar." " Thank you very much." "Has anyone seen my hat?" "It was here just now." "Here you go, look." "Come on, get stuck in here." "Where's the cake and candles, Del?" " You what?" " Don't matter." "Oi..." "So the Chinese bird says to him," ""Listen, I ain't cooking at this time of night!"" "Is that true?" "Oh, have a day off, Trigger." "Everyone seems to be enjoying themselves, eh, Trig?" " Yeah." "It's a good do, Dave." " Yeah." "I don't believe you mob sometimes." "You got any fags on you, Trig?" "Yeah." " What sort do you fancy?" " Any will do." "Here you are." "Keep 'em." "I've got loads." " Cheers." " Cheers, Dave." "Rodney, innit?" "It is when Trigger ain't about." "Uncle Albert." "Well, Great Uncle Albert really." "I'm your grandad's brother." "Yeah, he told me about you." "But I don't take no notice of that stuff." "It's best not to, son." "Shame, really." "Me and him lost touch with each other years ago." "I spent most of my life at sea - Royal Navy, Merchant." "D'you know, I was torpedoed five times?" " Yeah?" " Yeah." "Know what the crews nicknamed me?" "Jonah?" "No, they didn't call me Jonah - not many of them." "They used to call me Boomerang Trotter 'cause I always come back." "(LAUGHTER) T'riffic." "Rodney, do me a favour, will you?" "Those batteries in the hall - stick 'em in the corridor." "All right?" " Yeah." "Fine!" " Del, listen to this one." "We'll have one more drink then get on our way." "I don't like the people on this side of the river." "They're not as nice as North Londoners." "What are you talking about?" "I was born round here!" "Need I say more?" "You couldn't meet a more honest and generous people as South Londoners." "Honest and generous?" "They didn't have a whip-round at the cemetery." "They couldn't." "Someone nicked the vicar's hat." "Del, do you remember us?" "Cousin Stan." "Stan, yes. 'Course I remember you." "I was going to come over." " This is my wife, Jean." " Hello, Jean." " And Uncle Albert." " Uncle Albert." "Hello." "Your mum asked me to be your godfather." "I thought Uncle George was my godfather." " That's right." "We spun a coin." " George lost!" "What are you up to, Stan?" "Still poncing around in insurance?" "I'm still in the insurance business, yeah, and doing very nicely." "We've got our own place, all paid for." "What, a maisonette?" " No, it's a mobile home." "Oh, I see." "You've got a caravan." "It's got two bedrooms, a breakfast bar and a toilet/shower room." "Oh, it's a big caravan." "Well, this is just a council flat, isn't it?" "Yeah, but this can't get a puncture." "He's been living with us for 18 months." "He popped round to borrow a screwdriver." "If I hear another nautical yarn, I'll swing for him." "Someone suggested an old folks' home." " You can't do that." "He's family." " Oh, we didn't consider it, did we?" "Of course not." "Well, not at them prices anyway." "You all right, son?" "Yeah." "You ever been on board a ship?" "Yeah." "Yeah, when I was a kid." "Grandad took me." "I see." "Did he show you the engine room?" "No, no." "It was only the Woolwich ferry." "He got sea-sick." "We had to go home via the Rotherhithe Tunnel." "I used to work in the engine room - maintenance, that sort of thing." "Them boilers took some looking after an' all." "Do you know what the most important gadget is in the engine room?" "The lock on the porthole?" "No, they don't have port..." "It's the safety valve on the boiler." "You get a build-up of pressure and the safety valve ain't working - bang!" " the whole gubbins explodes." "You've gotta find a way of releasing the pressure." "That's what's happening to Del." "He's releasing the pressure." " Laughter's just his safety valve." " Yeah?" "Yeah." "Well, I don't think it's right." "I mean, people laughing in there." "I ain't laughing." "I ain't laughing today." "I ain't laughing tomorrow." "I don't want to laugh for the rest of my life." "Well, as long as you're happy, son." "I'm away now, boys, I'll see you later." " I'm off now, Del." " Yeah." "Thanks for coming." "You're doing a bit of a flyer." "As a sign of respect for Grandad, I've decided to open the pub early." "That's very nice of you, Mike." "I appreciate the gesture." "About the booze." "It comes to 86 quid." "Please, Mike, don't discuss money now." "I mean, you'll be offering me a discount for cash next." "Won't ya?" "I saw the periscope half a mile off starboard." "I saw the wash of the torpedo fins." "It caught us right at the...er... at the pointed end." "Wallop!" "Up it went!" "Foam, flame, fire, smoke, burning metal." "As soon as it happened, I thought to myself, "Hello, we've been hit"." "I expect you get to know the little signs, eh?" "Yeah." "OK, Mike." "Don't worry about that burglar alarm that got nicked." "Trigger knows where he can get hold of another one." " I'll whip it round to you." " Thanks, Del." "See you, Rodney." "Thanks, Mike." "Del, I've just been telling young Rodney about my days in the Navy." "Why don't you join up?" "You've just given me five good reasons!" "Here we go, Rodney." "Speciality of the house." "Sausage und a la the old mash." "Here you go." "I ain't really all that hungry, Del." "Come on, Rodders." "I've been an hour in that kitchen cooking this." "Try it at least." " I can't eat that." " What's wrong with it?" "It's nothing like Grandad's, is it?" "It tastes nice." "I tried to mess it up, honest I did, Rodney, but I just didn't have his knack." "He was taught to cook at one of London's biggest establishments." " You're kidding?" " No." "Straight up." "He was a trainee chef at the Ear, Nose and Throat Hospital." "Nah, come on, then." "Let's give this a hiding, shall we?" "Yeah, why not?" "(ECHOING BANGING)" "Well, it's just us two now, bruv." "Me and you against the rest." "They don't stand a bloody chance." "(ECHOING BANG)" "Del, someone's trying to pull our lavatory chain." "Yeah, I know." "Yeah, it's an awkward one, innit?" "The secret is one slow pull and then a sharp one." "(TOILET FLUSHES)" "There you go." "There it is." "What I'm saying is, right - we're the only ones in the flat, and someone's trying to flush our lav." "Yeah, well..." "Maybe it's a washer or something." "How can a bloody washer pull the chain?" "I don't know, do I?" "I'm not a scientist or something!" "No." "It's all right." "It's probably something quite simple." "No, nothing..." "Nothing at all, really." "Where's my bloody hammer?" "Del!" " Oh, my bloody 'ead!" " Gordon Bennett!" "You nearly had your head caved in then!" "I had too much of that cognac." "Where is everyone?" "They've all gone home, haven't they?" "It's half past eleven at night." " Where the hell have you been?" " I conked out on one of them beds." "Ooh, my belly's going round and round." "Oh, my Gawd!" "Half past eleven!" "Do you think Stan and Jean will be worried about me?" "Worried about YOU...?" "Yeah, of course they'll be worried about you." "Of course they will." "We can't drive you back there tonight now." "Me and Rodney have had enough to drink." "What about a mini-cab?" "You won't get one now." "They'll be washing out their back seats." "You've gotta stay here tonight and I'll drive you back tomorrow." "Rodney, you bring them batteries in before somebody swipes them." "No one's gonna nick them, Del." "Really?" "How do you think we got 'em?" "I appreciate this, son." "I'll get you a pillow and some blankets." "You can make a bed on the chaise lounge." "I won't be able to sleep on there, Del." "I need a good firm mattress." "I've got a curvature of the spine, see?" "Really?" "It's all them years sleeping in a hammock." "I might as well kip down in there." "No, not in there." "That's my grandad's room." " But I'm his brother." " That don't make no difference." "Only me and Rodney are allowed in there." "That room is going to remain exactly as he left it." "That room is going to be a shrine, dedicated to the memory of my grandfather." "I understand, Del." "We'll just have to think of something else." "If I get the mattress out of Rodney's room, I could put it there." "No." "I'll never get it out." " Where do you want these, then?" " Oh, sling 'em in Grandad's room." "All right?" "Did you get Albert home safely?" "I got him home safely all right." " Morning, son." " Morning." "You're back?" "Boomerang Trotter." "Always comes back." " What happened?" " I'll tell you what happened!" "I drove him all the way back to North London, through the rush hour, and what did we find?" "Stan and Jean have moved!" "Moved?" "What do you mean, moved?" "They hooked the caravan on the back of the Cortina and had it away!" "This was lying where the caravan once stood." "Just me clothes and a few personal belongings." "You mean that's all you've got in the world?" "No." "We've got to go back tomorrow to pick up his parrot!" "How could they do this to me?" "That is disgusting, innit?" "I mean, deserting him like that." "It ain't the first time it's happened either." "There should be a law or something against that." "All I wanna know is where they've got..." "What did you say?" "I said, it ain't the first time it's happened either." "D'you remember your cousin Audrey?" "I stayed with her and her husband Kevin for a year." "One day, they sent me down to Sainsbury's." "When I come back, they'd emigrated." "Not a dicky bird to me though." "Then there was young Gillian - you know, Patsy's girl." "I went to give her a bit of comfort 'cause her husband was on nights." "Six months later, she sets fire to the house." "She got three months' medical supervision for that." "I can remember thinking, as I jumped into the fireman's net," ""That's gratitude for you!"" "I've got a funny feeling, Del." "So have I, Rodney." "I feel like a turkey who's just caught Bernard Matthews grinning at him." "What shall I do with these, then?" "I'll tell you what to do with those." "You put them in here, right?" "In they go, 'cause you're not staying here, all right?" "Just for a couple of days, that's all." "No." "Not for a couple of days." "Not for one day." "There's a seaman's mission at St Katherine's Dock." "You go down there." "I thought I'd look at the paper and find meself some digs." "Good idea!" "They'll have a local paper down at the mission!" " Go on, sling yer hook!" " Yeah, all right." "You don't mind if I have a quick cup of tea?" "No." "There's a flask of cold tea out there and some vol-au-vents." "Cheers, son." "Oi, what are you doing?" "Winding him up?" "Yeah." "I'm winding him up and I'm winding him out!" "Del, he only wants to stay for a couple of nights and get sorted out." " He's a Trotter." " We're Trotters!" "Yeah, but we take after Mum." "He's from Dad's side of the family." "You offer them a cup of tea and they think you've adopted 'em!" "Look at that time when Dad wanted to stay ONE night." "Took us nigh on a fortnight to get rid of him." "Uncle Albert might not be like that." "Oh, leave it out, Rodney." "You heard him telling us about coming round the Cape of Good Hope." "He was three months on the same wave!" "I don't believe you, Del." "I do not believe that you, of all people, could...!" " Where are you going?" " Down the caff." "I'm gonna get some grub and some better company!" "I'm gonna put some clothes on first." "You've changed, Del!" "It's time you did." "We gotta work later." "I mean your personality has changed." "I've seen a side of you I never knew existed." "You don't understand, Rodney." "You're right about that, Del!" "Look at you last night." "You was laughing, drinking." "You could have put Boney M on and we could have had a knees up!" "It was Grandad's...!" "How could you get over it so easily?" "Get over it?" "What a plonker!" "You really are, Rodney!" "Get over it?" "I ain't even started yet." "I ain't even started, bruv." "And do you know why?" "Because I don't know how to!" "That's why." "I've survived all my life with a smile." ""Good old Del Boy." "He's got more bounce than Zebedee!"" ""Here, pal, what you drinking?" "You have one for luck."" "That's me." "That's Del Boy, innit?" "Nothing ever upsets Del Boy." "I've always played the tough guy." "I didn't want to, but I had to." "And I've played it for so long now," "I don't know how to be anything else." "I don't even know how to..." "Oh, it don't matter." "Bloody families!" "I've finished with 'em." "What do they do to you, eh?" "Hold you back, drag you down... and then they... break your bloody heart." "I'm sorry." "(GENTLE MUSIC ON TV)" "All right?" "Hello, darling." " I'll be over there." " OK." "All right, pal?" "I'll have Malibu and tonic with lime and half a lager, please." "In the same glass?" "No." "Separate ones, if you don't mind." "I don't know, do I?" "It might have been one of your erotic cocktails, Del." "She's a saucy little cow that one, eh?" " All right, Del?" " Yeah, brill." "How's things." "Oh, you know, quiet." "You know that old boy at the funeral, with the beard?" "He was here lunchtime." " Oh, yeah?" " Is he a relative or something?" "Nah." "Well, a distant relative." "He was telling me all about his wartime dramas." "Torpedoed five times." "He's a bit of a jinx, ain't he?" "Yeah." "You know what his last job was?" "Entertainments Officer on the Belgrano." "Straight up." " Cheers, darling." " £1.80, please." " Have one for luck." " Oh, cheers." "Oh, Del, about all that booze." "It went down a treat." "See you later, Mike." "Cheers." "I wonder where he is." " Who?" " Uncle Albert." "Oh, him." "Well, he's down the seaman's mission by now." "Got himself a lovely little bed, blinding little locker." "He's as happy as a pig in s...sugar, he is." "Yeah, I suppose so." "It makes you think, don't it?" "A man fights for his country like that, laying his life on the line." "D'you know, he went down with five different ships?" "Yeah." "I don't know why he just didn't join the submarine corps." "(ALBERT COUGHS)" "'Ere, he's got a nasty cough, ain't he?" "Pity Boots ain't open." " You all right, Unc?" " Yeah." "Fine, son." "Did you go down the mission, then?" "Yeah, I went, but it ain't there no more." "They knocked it down." "Built some luxury flats and a marina." "Look, I ain't got very much." "I got, what..." "Oh, put yer money away, Rodney." "I don't want it." "Thanks for the offer though." "Go on, you go back to Del." "Don't you worry about me." "All right?" "Don't worry." "It's all right, Rodney." "Nothing to worry about." "It's just me lungs." "We hit a mine coming back from Normandy." "I was trapped for 12 hours in a smoke-filled engine room." "Well, if it's not one thing it's another, eh?" "He ain't got nowhere to sleep tonight." "The mission's not there any more." "There's just a marina." "Can't he kip in the back of that?" "A yachting marina." "Come on, Del." "It's Grandad's brother sitting over there." "Where do you want him to sleep?" "A doss house?" "Rodney, that bloke has been in shark-infested seas, he's been attacked by kamikaze pilots, and blown up more times than a beach ball!" "One night in a doss house ain't gonna do him any harm." "You don't believe all them stories, do ya?" "What?" "Do you reckon they're porkies?" "Of course they are." "I didn't want to say nothing 'cause he's a proud man." "Proud?" "!" "He comes from Dad's side of the family." "I just offered him money and he wouldn't take a penny." "Well, he wouldn't." "He's still got that £100 I gave him this afternoon." "You give him £100?" "Yeah." "You don't think I'd let him go out potless?" "Is that why you can't pay Mike for the booze?" "Come on." "Come on." "All right?" "I'm all right, son." "Just having a drop of rum, warm me old cockles." " You eaten?" " Nah, not yet." "Why didn't you have something to eat in here at lunchtime?" "All they had was sausage and mash, and I've gone off that." "Fancy an Indian?" "Wouldn't mind, son." "We'd never get a table this time of night, Del." "No." "We'll have to get a take-away, eat it at home." "Yeah." "That's what we'll do." "We'll get a take-away and eat it at home." "If it's all right with you two." "Del...thanks." "I don't know what you're thanking me for - you're paying." "Come on, Sinbad." "Let's get down there before the health inspector." "I just phoned the mission." "They said they've got a bed for you." "Sshh!" "# We've got some half-price cracked ice" "# And miles and miles of carpet tiles" "# TVs, deep freeze and David Bowie LPs" "# Ball games, gold chains, what's-their-names and at a push" "# Some Trevor Francis tracksuits From a mush in Shepherd's Bush" "# Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush" "# No income tax, no VAT" "# No money back, no guarantee" "# Black or white, rich or broke" "# We'll cut prices at a stroke" "# God bless Hooky Street" "# Viva Hooky Street" "# Long live Hooky Street" "# C'est magnifique, Hooky Street" "# Magnifique, Hooky Street # Hooky Street... #" "# Stick a pony in me pocket" "I'll fetch the suitcase from the van" "# 'Cause if you want the best 'uns But you don't ask questions" "# Then, brother, I'm your man" "# 'Cause where it all comes from is a mystery" "# It's like the changing of the seasons And the tides of the sea" "# But here's the one that's driving me berserk:" "# Why do only fools and horses work?" "#" "Paki shop won't let us have nothing on tick." "Says it's part of his culture." "Don't think it's got anything to do with the £46 we already owe him?" "Funny enough, he mentioned that." " It's got nothing to do with me." " That's right." "The moment you suggested going down the auction and buying on your own," "I knew there'd be trouble." "I won't say nothing on the matter." "Good." "They must have seen him coming." " Good morning, Uncle." " Morning, Del." " There's no breakfast." " I haven't felt like eating recently." " What's the weather like out?" " Oh, it's parky, Del." "Good, good." " Nice thick frost, is there?" " Bit slippery underfoot, yeah." "Yeah." "T'riffic." "Lots of flecks of snow in the air, is there?" " Bit of sleet, Del, yeah." " Oh, cushty." "Nice northerly wind howling in from the Urals, is there?" "Cuts right through you, Del." "Lovely!" "Because today, Uncle Albert, owing to young Rodney's foresight and GCEs... while all them other plonkers down the market are selling woolly hats and thermal underwear, we're gonna make a right killing." "Do you know why we're going to make a killing?" "We ain't got woolly underwear, we've got suntan lotion!" "We ain't got just a little drop of suntan lotion." "We've got 500 bloody quid's worth of the stuff!" "I told you, I bought it as an investment." "Investment?" "!" "Menage a trois!" "In the middle of the worst winter for two million years, with the weatherman laying odds on a new ice age, this dipstick goes out and buys Ambre Solaire!" "The weathermen are also forecasting a boiling hot summer." "Come May or June, we can sell it all or swap it for something else." "Like 50 or 60 anoraks, maybe!" "You won't give me no credit, will ya?" "Nor will that Paki." " Shut up, Albert." " Nothing to do with me." "That £500 that you squandered on this stuff was the last of the company's capital." " How was I supposed to know that?" " How were you supposed to know?" "You're the accountant, you wally!" "Throw that at me now, will ya?" "Oh, don't give me that." "We've nothing to sell and no money to buy with." "It can't be that bad, Del." "There must be something you can knock out." "I know what I would like to knock out!" " What's in the van?" " Nothing." " What's in the garage?" " The van." "The only thing we've knocked out in the last month was that electric deep fryer to the Nag's Head, and I'm waiting for a come-back on that!" " It's him, innit?" " Eh?" "Since he's lived here, we've had nothing but bad luck." " What's he on about now?" " I don't know." "What about that time he was in the Navy, eh?" "Every single ship he ever sailed on either got torpedoed or dive-bombed." "Two of them in peacetime!" "Del, that man is a jinx!" "Leave it out, Rodney!" "Gordon Bennett!" "You'll be burning witches next." "I went down and ordered Grandad's headstone the other day." "Beautiful thing it is." "It's got all angels and things round it." "It's got this great big eagle with a scroll in its foot." "I think I'll have to cancel that now." "That'll cheer them up down the plastics factory." "I expect they've bought all the fibreglass and everything." "Something's bound to turn up, Del." " He who dares, eh?" " If you say so, Rodney." "I was reading in the Sunday papers about them fellas what pick up these rich old widows." "What do they call them?" "Toyboys." "You wanna see the stuff they pick up for presents!" "Solid gold watches, sports cars, money." "Might be worth considering." "Well, we both admire your spirit, Uncle, but don't you think you've left it a bit late?" "I'm not talking about me." "I meant you!" "Me?" "!" "I'm not selling my body to some old tart, thank you!" "Not even for the family?" "Especially not for the family." "I'm not going to let myself become some...hooker." "Listen, Uncle." "You came to stay with us for a couple of nights about four weeks ago, so you don't know us very well." "Let me explain something to you." "You see, you can't expect Rodney to go and do something like that." "Even I wouldn't expect Rodney to do something like that." "I suppose it was too much to ask." "Sorry, Del." "That's all right." "Rodney can't even give it away, let alone flog it!" "Stick that on the windscreen, will ya?" "Couldn't we sell this and get something more useful?" " Like what?" " Like a bus pass." "I am not in the mood, Rodney." "Just not in the mood, all right?" "Be handy if one of them were to accidentally fall in our direction." "Oi, leave off, Del." "You got nowhere to hide it." "Yeah, that's what I meant." "I suppose you're right." "Come on." "Hello, Mike." "How's that deep fryer Del sold you?" "I want a word with you, Trotter!" "Yes, of course, Michael." "I'll be in the office." "What are you trying to do to me?" "I didn't know, Del Boy." "I've just thought where we could hide one of them barrels." " Where?" " In his mouth." "That's enough, thanks, Mike!" "Come on, darling." "I ordered chicken in a basket a half hour ago." "What you waiting for - the egg to hatch?" "It's not my fault." "Our deep fryer's on the blink." "Ain't customers stupid, eh?" "Put it like that, I suppose they are." "Here you are." "Get that down your neck." " A small rum." " Just to keep the cold out, Del." "Make the most of it, it could be your last." " I've been thinking..." " We're in enough trouble as it is!" "Hang on." "Right, now, look." "When I was studying for my GCE in maths," "I had to learn how to do cross-cancelling equations." "Yeah?" "Now, the idea is, you list all your problems and then eradicate them using a process of elimination, thus discovering the solution." "That's what I've been doing." " Go on, then." "I'm game." "Go on." " Right." "One." "We are traders who have nothing to sell, right?" " Yeah." " Two." "We are traders who have no money to buy with." "Correct?" "I'm gonna smack you in the bloody mouth in a minute!" "Just hang on." "Three." "Oh, there ain't a three." "So the solution to our problem is thus:" "we have to find a way of making money out of nothing." "Yeah?" "I don't know how we do it, but that's the answer." "And you had to use ink to come to that conclusion?" "Stone me, Rodney, a Millwall fan could have worked that out!" "At least I'm trying, which is more than I can say for you!" "Me?" "!" "I wasn't that one that spent £500 on all that rubbish!" "Pack it in, you two!" "Look at you!" "You're at each other's throats." "Bloody money." "Whether you've got too much or not enough, it always causes trouble." "Don't worry." "Something will turn up, you'll see." " I'll see you two later." " Yeah." "All right." "Should we go with him in case he gets mugged?" "Nah." "He's skint anyway." "Well, that's it, innit?" "I'll have to pawn all the jewellery again." "These rings know more about hock than a German wine-taster." "Something's gonna turn up, Del." "With our luck?" "If I threw a fiver in the air, it'd come down a summons." "I don't ask much out of life, do I?" "Only an 'apenny more than I spend." "And look at me." "I'm gutted!" "It's all your fault." "Don't start all that again!" "Well, it is." "Ever since you were that high, you've held me back." "I've held you back?" "!" "Yeah." "When Mum died, I should have had you put in care." "I would have been someone by now." "I'd have had my own penthouse and an Aston Martin with a telephone." "You'd have been doing me a favour if you'd had me put into care!" "At least I might have got a proper job when I left school, instead of humping your suitcase over London!" "You didn't want to leave school!" "You'd have been there drawing your old age pension!" "I only wanted to stay while I got my GCE in maths and art!" "A lot of good they've done!" "The only time your GCE has come in handy was when I asked you to count them tins of paint!" "(THUDDING AND GLASS SMASHING) What the bloody hell's that?" "You don't think it's that deep fryer, do ya?" "I'm not going to stay to find out." "Let's look lively." "Del!" " Won't be a minute." " It's your Uncle Albert!" " What about Uncle Albert?" " He's fallen down our cellar." " Quick!" " Fallen down the cellar?" "How...?" "Well?" "No, no." "No, Del." "The old neck's gone." "No." "I mean, what happened?" "I don't know." "I looked up and there was Albert plummeting towards me." "Hold on, where is he?" "He's over there somewhere." "How the hell did he get over there?" "He hit the plank and bounced." "He went through the air like one of them springboard divers." "My neck don't 'alf hurt, Del." "Your neck!" "Uncle Albert nearly ends up on a jumbo's flight path, and all you think about is your Gregory!" "Are you all right?" "I'm a bit shaken and dazed, Rodney." "It's probably jet-lag!" "Get him onto his feet, Rodney." "Come on." "Fancy leaving an open cellar door unguarded." "I've a good mind to sue the brewery." "Put your arm round Rodney..." "Sue the brewery!" "Put him down!" "What the hell do you think you're doing?" " You said to pick him up!" " I know." " He might have broken something." " Yeah, he has." "About four dozen bottles of Guinness!" "There's nothing wrong with him." "He said so himself." "How does he know that?" "He might have hit his head and got... percussion!" "The first thing to do in first aid is never move the victim, right?" "You'll have to move me soon, Del." "The last bell's just gone." "See that?" "He's got ringing sounds in his ears." "This is worse than I thought." "Quick, upstairs and get on the phone." " Phone for a solicitor." " Right..." "A solicitor?" "Yeah." "Del, you can't sue." "You don't wanna put money on it." "Him falling down that hole could be our best luck in years." "Del, if he'd hurt himself there'd be little signs " "like blood and pain." " His hat ain't come off." " How's that, right?" "Don't give us all that Quincy cobblers, Rodney." "You don't know how bad I am." "You see." "Quick." "Whip upstairs and phone Solly Attwell." "You'll find him in the Yellow Pages." "Look lively." " Solly Attwell's our solicitor?" " Yeah." "Bloody hell." "He's more bent than the villains." "Just the man we need in a case like this - a specialist!" "Get on the blower." "You don't mind if I phone for an ambulance first, do ya?" "Ambulance?" "Good thinking." "That'll look great on the report." "Well done." "Go on, away you go." "The brewery are going to pay through the nose for this." "Told you something would turn up." "It's all right, Uncle." "You just conserve your oxygen." "Uncle, did I hear you groaning in pain?" " No." " Well, why not?" "Come on." "Aaagh!" "Well, what do you reckon, Solly?" "I'm afraid it's bad news, Derek." "I'd brace yourselves if I was you." "According to this medical report and the X-rays, there's nothing wrong with him." "There's gotta be something wrong." "He was none too clever before!" "Sorry, Del Boy." "Not a mark, scratch, abrasion or bruise." "He must have landed on something soft." "Yeah, he did." "The landlord." "If I were you, I'd accept the brewery's offer." " What offer?" " Their solicitor phoned today." "To save any adverse publicity, they're willing to settle out of court for £2,000." " Two grand!" " Take the money, Del!" "I wanted more than that." "I wanted enough money to set us up proper." "Wait a minute." "If they're willing to settle for £2,000 out of court, think what they'll settle for in court!" " There's nothing wrong with him." " It ain't my bloody fault!" "Gentlemen, gentlemen, please!" "Now, perhaps we should look at this case from another angle." "We've only been considering the physical damage, but what about this?" "We ain't gonna get a lot for his bloody hat, are we?" "No!" "I mean his mind, Derek." "Psychological injuries." " Will the court swallow that?" " If you three say the right things." "There was a case in America where this chap fell down a manhole." "Like your uncle, he sustained no physical injuries, yet he successfully sued Los Angeles City Council for $30 million!" "30 million!" "Claimed the accident had ruined his sex life." "At that rate, we'll get £1.75!" "We're not claiming anything like that." "I'm just giving you an example of how these "unseen" injuries can mount up in the old compo stakes." "Now, look at the facts as I see them." "An elderly man who fought bravely for his country, sailing the seven seas, ensuring that Britons never never never shall be slaves, has had his retirement - his few well-earned years of rest - ruined by the negligence of a multi-national company." "An active man struck down by the thoughtless action of this mammoth, rich corporation." "The bouts of amnesia, the fear of the outside world and, most distressing of all," "losing the use of his legs." "Sit!" "Right." "That's it." "Do the bizzo, Solly." "Listen, I don't want no Mickey Mouse magistrates." "I want the High Court and a pukka brief - black cape, crown topper, all the Xs." "All right?" " Right." " I'll set the wheels in motion." "I shall need a list of witnesses." "There weren't no witnesses." " Will ten do?" " Lovely." "Mr Trotter, you were standing outside the Nag's Head public house when this tragic accident occurred?" " Yes." " So you saw the incident clearly?" " Yes." " Tell the court what happened." "My uncle fell down a hole." "Yes." "Would you tell the court how he fell down the hole." "Er..." "Well, it was um..." "No, no, Mr Trotter." "Did he trip?" "Did he stumble?" "Oh." "No." "Well, um..." "He sort of like walked... and then he fell down the hole." "Didn't he see the warning notice?" "There was no warning notice." "Wasn't he stopped by the guard rail?" " There was no guard rail." " I see." "No warning notice, no guard rail." "Sounds very dangerous to me." "Yes." "I can remember thinking to myself at the time," ""That's dangerous." "Someone could fall down that"." "And how right you were." "So you ran straight down to the cellar?" "Yes." " Were you the first to your uncle?" " Yes." " What did he look like?" " Horrible." "Would you tell the court?" "Are you related to the plaintiff?" "No, I just drink in his pub." "But that little one there is me uncle." " Quite." " I saw it all, Your Worship." "Utter negligence." "A complete disregard for public safety!" "Yes, yes." "Mr Frazer, I don't think we need concern ourselves with the accident." "I believe liability has been proved quite conclusively." "Let us move on now to the after-effects of the accident." "Has your uncle changed since this happened?" "Oh, yeah." "He's a completely different man now." "He used to be so active - swimming, sponsored walks, marathons." "They used to call him the Jimmy Saville of Peckham." "He was always out and about." "You'd rarely find him in." " And now?" " Now he is like the Olympic flame." "He never goes out, Your Worship." "Locked in his room." "He's frightened he might fall down another hole." "And how has the gradual loss of feeling in his legs affected him?" "Well, how would it affect you?" "I mean, one minute he's there doing his acrobatics to his Dizzy Lizzy LP, and the next minute, he has to ask us whether he's got his shoes on!" "But the worstest..." "The worstest thing of all, Your Honour, is these sudden bouts of amnesia." "They have led to him having some very nasty falls." "I fail to see the connection." "How can amnesia cause one to fall?" "He keeps forgetting he can't walk!" " No further questions, m'lud." " Mr Gerrard?" " No questions, Your Honour." " You may stand down, Mr Trotter." "Stand down?" "I've got loads more I can tell you." "That will be all, Mr Trotter." " All right, Mike?" " Oh!" "How are we doing, Solly?" "We're home and dry." "This could be a ten grander." "Do you intend calling more witnesses?" "I have no further witnesses." " Mr Gerrard?" " Just one, Your Honour." "I call the plaintiff" " Albert Gladstone Trotter." "(WHEELCHAIR WHEELS SQUEAK)" " You said they wouldn't call him!" " I said "we" wouldn't call him." "Don't worry." "Any awkward questions, he claims loss of memory." "Loss of memory?" "Knowing him, he'll forget!" "Take the book in your right hand and read the card." "There's no need to stand, Mr Trotter." "Please remain seated." "Thank you, Your Worship." "I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth." "You are Albert Gladstone Trotter, presently residing at 368 Nelson Mandela House," "Dockside Estate, Peckham?" "I think so, sir." "Yes." "I'll make this as brief as possible, Mr Trotter." "I realise how distressing this must be for you." "Do you have any recollection of the accident?" "Very little, sir." "One minute I was walking along, on me way to post me entry form for The Krypton Factor." "Next, I was falling through the air." "All me life flashed before me." "Battle of the River Plate, sinking of the Graf Spee, the raid on Telemar." "Aagh!" " Silence that man!" " Sorry, Your Honour." "After that it's all a blank." "Me memory keeps going, see?" "Have you suffered amnesia before?" "I can't remember." "I see." "But you can remember the war." "After all, you have all your ribbons there to remind you." " Where were you based, Mr Trotter?" " I was overseas, sir." "Really?" "How odd." "I looked into your naval records, and you spent the best part of the war in a storage depot on the Isle of Wight." "Hardly overseas." "You oughta try walking it, pal." "I also noticed, Mr Trotter, that in May 1944, you were one of several naval ratings seconded to a Marine parachute unit, specially formed for missions behind enemy lines." "I believe you were involved in laundry matters." "But whilst with this unit, you underwent basic parachute training." "Would you tell the court what this training consisted of?" "Um..." "Jumping off of things." "Jumping off of things?" "In other words, learning to fall without injuring oneself." "My memory ain't what it used to be, Your Worship." "I sympathise, Mr Trotter, and I intend to help you as much as I can." "Tell me, could you possibly be the same Albert Gladstone Trotter who, in 1946, fell down the cellar of the Victory Inn, Portsmouth, and received £100 compensation?" "I can't remember that far back, sir." "Let's try a more recent case." "Could you be the same Albert Gladstone Trotter who, in 1951, fell in the cellar of the Coach and Horses, Peckham Rye, and received a £225 out-of-court settlement?" "Me mind's a blank." "Maybe you were the same Albert Gladstone Trotter who, in 1949, fell down the cellar of the Cross Keys, Gravesend?" "How about the Thatched Inn, Canning Town?" "Or does the Brunswick Club, New Cross, ring a bell?" "I don't believe it." "It's a bloody nightmare, Rodney." "It's a bloody nightmare." "He's been down more holes than Tony Jacklin!" "I don't believe it." "I do not believe what that garrity old git has done to us!" "The only 'ole he hasn't fallen down is the black one in Calcutta!" "What did the insurance companies nickname him?" " The ferret." " The ferret!" "He's had 15 previous lawsuits for falling down 'oles." "Those are the known cases, Rodney!" "How many times has a landlord settled with a quiet backhander?" "(SQUEAKING WHEELS)" "How many pubs, off-licences and drinking clubs have you done?" "Well, quite a few, Del." "The first cellar I fell down was genuine - honest!" "But 'cause I'd learnt to fall properly, I didn't hurt meself, but I still got compensation out of it, and I thought, "This is handy"." "So whenever me and your grandad was hard up for a few bob," "I'd go and fall down an 'ole." "I was only trying to help." "Only trying to help?" "I was nearly done for contempt of court." "His name's been sent to the Director of Public Prosecutions, and Solly and the brief look like they're going to get defrocked!" "And you were only trying to help!" "I said I'm sorry, Rodney." "I didn't want to do it." "I mean, I'm past all that stuntman lark." "But you two have been good to me these past few weeks, and I wanted to get some money to, well... repay you." "And I wanted to get yer grandad his headstone." "You did it for Grandad's headstone?" "He was my older brother, Del." "When I was a kid he used to look after me." "I never did anything for him." "Never had the chance to." "Until now." "(HE SNIFFS)" "Sorry, boys." "Yeah." "Yeah." "All right." "Don't worry about it, Uncle Albert." "Come on, Rodney." "Let's get lronside home." "It's turned out nice, innit, boys?" "(RODNEY) T'riffic." "(DEL) Might be able to knock out some of that suntan lotion, eh?" "'Ere, just a minute." "Why am I pushing you?" "You can walk, you lazy old sod!" "I forgot." "Oh, had another little bout of amnesia, eh, Del?" "Don't start all that blackout nonsense with me!" "# We've got some half-price cracked ice" "# And miles and miles of carpet tiles" "# TVs, deep freeze and David Bowie LPs" "# Ball games, gold chains, what's-their-names and at a push" "# Some Trevor Francis tracksuits From a mush in Shepherd's Bush" "# Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush" "# No income tax, no VAT" "# No money back, no guarantee" "# Black or white, rich or broke" "# We'll cut prices at a stroke" "# God bless Hooky Street" "# Viva Hooky Street" "# Long live Hooky Street" "# C'est magnifique, Hooky Street Magnifique, Hooky Street... #"