"You think this is hard?" "Try being waterboarded." "That's hard." "Guys." "Making some new friends, Kurt?" "He sure is, Mr. Schue." "Hey, Finn." "You still owe me that report on..." " What?" " What you did last summer." "Almost halfway done with almost all of it, Mr. Schue." " It's "Hammer time."" " Please." "This is from Marc Jacobs's new collection." "Wait." "Okay." "¿Cómo está usted?" "Yo me llamo Guillermo." "¿Cómo está usted?" "Yo me llamo Guillermo." "Bueno." "Bueno." "Where's the coffeepot?" "Figgins got rid of it." "Budget cuts." "You know, I know for a fact that they are still getting hot java at Carver." "We should strike." "Hello, boys." "Who needs a pick-me-up?" " Wow." "Lattes." " Yeah." "I'm a bit of a coffee snob." "Now, the key to a perfect latte... is in the temperature of the steamed milk." " I like mine scalding." " Wow." " Hi, Emma." " Hey, Ken." " Will, hi." " Hey." " What's with all the lattes?" " Oh, Emma, I just felt so awful... that Figgins cut the coffee budget to pay for a nutritionist for the "Cheerios."" "Yeah." "I heard you guys went, like, $600 over budget on that." "My performers didn't get on Fox Sports Net last year because they ate at Bacon Junction." "Since when are cheerleaders performers?" "Your resentment is delicious." "Well, I have a "phoner" in a couple minutes..." "That's an interview on the telephone with a major media outlet." "I'll probably do it on my iPhone." " Enjoy." " Thanks a lot, Sue." "I missed you at the, uh... singles mixer last weekend, Emma." "Yeah, I know." "A big pipe exploded in my building." "It was wild." "I hate those mixer things though." "Don't you?" "I mean, it's like a big meat market." "It's just..." "Ew." "I did give my number to a fireman though." "But he hasn't called." "There's someone out there for everyone." "I wouldn't even sweat it." "Mmm." "Hey, did you hear that Sandy Ryerson got fired?" " Really?" " Mm-hmm." " Who's gonna take over Glee Club?" " I don't know." "I'd like to take over Glee Club." "You want to captain the Titanic too?" "I think I can make it great again." "There is no joy in these kids." "They feel invisible." "That's why every one of them has a MySpace page." "Sixty bucks a month." "That's what I need to keep this program up." "A-A-And you... you expect me to pay it?" "Well, I'm certainly not going to pay for it." "We're not talking about Cheerios here, Will." "They were on Fox Sports Net last year." "When Glee Club starts bringing that kind of prestige to the school again... you can have all the money you want." "Until then, 60 bucks a month... and you've got to use the costumes and props we already have." "But we need the stools for wood shop." "Hiding the $60 a month from my wife, Terri, was gonna be hard." "But I had a bigger problem." "How was I gonna get these kids motivated?" "One thing I knew for sure..." "we needed a new name." "New Directions!" "My name is Mercedes Jones, and I'm singing..." "Hello." "I'm Kurt Hummel, and I'll be singing "Mr. Cellophane."" "Tina C. "I Kissed a Girl."" "Hi." "My name is Rachel Berry... and I'll be singing "On My Own" from the seminal Broadway classic Les Mis." "Fantastic." "Let's hear it." "You might laugh because every time I sign my name..." "I put a gold star after it." "But it's a metaphor." "And metaphors are important." "My gold stars are a metaphor for me being a star." "Andjust so we're clear, I want to clear up that hateful rumor... that I was the one who turned that closet case Sandy Ryerson in... because he gave Hank Saunders the solo I deserved." "That's cockapoopie." "He was touching Hank, caressing him." "It was so wrong!" "I am not homophobic." "In fact, I have two gay dads." "See, I was born out of love." "My two dads screened potential surrogates based on beauty and I.Q." "Then they mixed their sperm together and used a turkey baster." "To this day, we don't know which one is my real dad... which I think is pretty amazing." "My dads spoiled me in the arts." "I was given dance lessons, vocal lessons... anything to give me a competitive edge." "You might think that all the boys in school would totally want to tap this... but my MySpace schedule keeps me way too busy to date." "I try to post a MySpace video every day just to keep my talent alive and growing." "Nowadays, being anonymous is worse than being poor." "Fame is the most important thing in our culture now." "And if there's one thing I've learned, it's that no one's just gonna hand it to you." "Very nice, Rachel." "When do we start rehearsals?" "Bigger hands." "Big hands." " We suck." " Uh..." "It..." "It'll get there." "We..." "We just need to keep rehearsing." "Mr. Schuester, do you have any idea how ridiculous it is to give... the lead solo in "Sit Down, You're Rockin' the Boat" to a boy in a wheelchair?" "I think Mr. Schue's using irony to enhance the performance." "There's nothing ironic about show choir!" "Rachel." "Rachel!" "That's sloppy!" "You're sloppy, babies!" "It's just disgraceful!" "And I want the agony out of your eyes!" "Uh-uh, Lance." "Don't you start crying!" "You are the weak link, pal!" "How does it feel to be the weak link, huh?" " That can't feel very good." " You changed out of your costume." "I'm tired of being laughed at." "You're the best kid in there, Rachel." "That comes with a price." "Look, I know I'm just a sophomore." "But I can feel the clock ticking away... and I don't want to leave high school with nothing to show for it." "You get great grades." "You're a fantastic singer." "Everybody hates me." "You think Glee Club is gonna change that?" "Being great at something is going to change it." "Being a part of something special makes you special, right?" "I need a male lead who can keep up with me vocally." " Maybe I can coach Artie a little." "I..." " Look, Mr. Schue..." "I appreciate what you're trying to do." "But if you can't give me what I need, then I'm sorry." "I'm not gonna make a fool out of myself." "I can't keep wasting my time with Glee." "It hurts too much." "Schuester!" "Figgins wants ya!" "But we just started rehearsals." "My hands are tied, Schue." "I need the auditorium." "Alcoholics Anonymous wants to rent it out for their afternoon meetings." "Lots of drunks in this town." "They're paying me 10 bucks a head." "If we show at Regionals, Glee stays." "If not, the bar is open in the auditorium." "What is it with you and this club?" "You've got only five kids." " One of them's a cripple!" " Then I guess you've got nothing to worry about." " Fine." " Yes!" "But you're running detention for free to make it up to me." "Deal." "You put your hands in the corners like this." " Okay?" " I can't do it." "I'm dyslexic." "Maybe I should just stick to towels and washcloths." "Howard, if you can't fold a fitted sheet, you cannot work at Sheets 'N' Things." "Associate return." "Go." "Make sure they have a receipt." "Someone looks beautiful today." "Hi." " You look very handsome." " Thank you." " Roast beef on pumpernickel." "Your favorite." " Ohh!" " Oh, does it have mayo?" " Yeah." "Will, if my diabetes comes back, I can't get pregnant." " I..." " What is wrong with you?" "Well, I wanted to tell you... that I'm gonna have to start workin' late for the next couple months." " I'm, uh, monitoring after-school detention." " What?" "I had to make a deal with Figgins so he wouldn't kill Glee Club." "But, Will, I'm on my feet four hours a day, three times a week here." "Now I have to go home and I have to cook dinner for myself?" "This lady wants to return these sheets." "But something tells me we've got another bed wetter." "Do you see what I have to deal with here, hmm?" "God, hasn't she ever heard of a diaper?" "Of course towels have a thread count, Mr..." "Sheets 'N' Things!" "What do you do?" "I read catalogs!" "I know these things." "Anything under a 400-thread count and I could break out in impetigo!" "It's simple to understand!" "William?" "Sandy?" "Hey!" "Well, hello." "How are things?" "I hear you have taken over Glee Club." "Yeah." "I hope you're not too upset." "Are you kidding?" "Getting out of that swirling eddy of despair... best thing that ever happened to me." "Don't get me wrong." "It wasn't easy at first." "Being dismissed." "And for what I was accused of?" "My long-distance girlfriend in Cleveland nearly broke up with me." "Oh, God." "Don't you love a good monkey?" "It took me weeks to get over my nervous breakdown." " Did they put you on medication?" " Better." "Medical marijuana." "It's genius!" "I just tell my Dr. Feelgood I'm having trouble sleeping... and he gives me all of it I want." "I'm finding the whole system quite lucrative." " You're a drug dealer?" " Oh, yeah." "Make five times more than when I was a teacher." "I keep some for myself and then I take money baths in the rest." "Who-Who do you sell it to?" "You want in?" "Uh, no." "I tried it once in college." "But Terri and I are trying to get pregnant." " I do my own packaging." " Sandy, no..." "And the first sample is free." "Come on." "You are the one coaching those tone-deaf acne factories." "You're gonna need it." "What?" "This looks like barf." "Okay?" "I have to do everything myself." "Call me." "Come on." "What's the matter with you?" "Scary." "Hey, Sue." "C-Can I have a sec?" "Sure, buddy." "Come on in." "Eew!" "Hey, Emma." "You got a second?" " What is that?" "Gum?" " Uh-huh." "So you want to talk to my Cheerios about joining Glee Club?" "Well, I need more kids..." "Performers." "And all the best ones are in the Cheerios." "I figured some of them might want to double up." "Okay." "So what you're doing right now is called blurring the lines." "High school is a caste system." "Kids fall into certain slots." "Your jocks, your popular kids, up in the penthouse." "The invisibles and the kids playing live-action druids and trolls out in the forest... bottom floor." "And... where do the Glee kids lie?" "Sub-basement." "Sue's not wrong." "But I don't think anything's set in stone." "I mean, kids are gonna do what they think is cool, which is not always who they are." " You just need to find a way to get them out of their boxes." " Well, how do I do that?" "They follow the leader." "If you can get a couple of the popular kids to sign up... the rest will fall right in line." " I just want to talk to them." " I don't know, dude." "I can't see any of my guys wanting to join the Glee Club." "Last month, they held down one of their teammates, shaved off his eyebrows... just because he watched Grey's Anatomy." " Look, all I'm looking for is an introduction." " Fine." "You gotta put a good word in for me with Emma." " There you go, Cinderella." " Thank you." "I have trouble with things like that." "The, um..." "The messy things." "Yeah." "It's really nice how much you care about Glee." "About the kids." "If you really care about these kids, you'll leave well enough alone." "Children like to know where they stand." "So let your little Glee kids have their little club." "But don't pretend that any of them are something they're not." "Circle up!" "Now Mr. Schuester is gonna talk to you." "You don't listen, you do laps." "You mouth off, you do laps." "Got it?" "They're all yours, Will." "Thanks, Ken." "Hey, guys." "How you doing?" "I think I recognize some of you from Spanish class." "But, uh, I'm..." "I'm here today to talk to you about something different." "Uh, music." "Glee Club needs guys." "I can sing." "Really?" "That's fantastic." " You wanna hear?" " Yeah." "Oh, yeah!" "Laps." "I'm gonna put the sign-up sheet at the door." "So if anyone wants to sign up, please..." "Thank you." "Dismissed!" "Puck, in my office in five minutes." "You been sleeping okay?" "Your eyes look a little bloodshot." "I got allergies." "Okay, buddy." "Thanks again." "I honestly thought that was the end of the very brief... fever dream that was New Directions." "I suddenly realized why I had wanted to do this thing in the first place." "It was seeing the gift in a kid that they didn't even know they had." "It was pure talent." "What I did then was the blackest moment of my life." "You want to tell me how long you've had a drug problem?" "I don't even know who the chronic lady is." "Look, if it were up to me, we wouldn't have mandatory biweekly locker checks." "But I've never seen that before, Mr. Schue." "I swear." "It's not mine!" "I'll pee in a cup!" " I'll pee." " Look, it wouldn't make any difference." "Possession is eight-tenths of the law." "I'm pretty sure that much pot is a felony." "Yeah." "Look, you'll get kicked out of school." "You'll lose your football scholarship." "Wait, I..." "I had a football scholarship?" "To-To where?" " You could land in prison, son." " Oh, my God." "Please, don't tell my mom." "Look, I see a lot of myself in you, Finn." "I know what it's like to struggle to make good life choices." "And I don't want to see you throw away everything you have to offer the world." "I just expected more out of you, Finn." "That really got to me when Mr. Schuester said that." "Because every day of my life, I expect more out of myself." "See, I might look confident and everything." "But I really struggle with the same thing other kids do." "Peer pressure, backne." "I never knew my dad." "He died in Iraq when we were fighting Osama bin Laden the first time." "Hold on, hold on." "Finn!" "Finn!" "Finn!" "Please!" "I'm on the phone." "I just want to trade next Saturday's shift for this Saturday... because Finn's got a parents' night for Cub Scouts." "My mom and me, we're real close." "But being a single parent can be hard." "The only good time for Mom was when we splurged a little bit and ordered Emerald Dreams." "Darren was good to her." "And he was cool about letting me hang out." "That was the first time I really "heard" music." "Man, it set my soul on fire." "You got a voice, buddy." "Seriously, if I had that voice, my band would still be together." "Stick with it!" "My mom took it real hard when Darren left her for that girl he met at Pic'N'Save." "It was at that moment I decided to do whatever it took to make my mom proud of me... make her feel all her sacrifice was worth it." "We have two options here." "I'm running detention now, so you can do six weeks after school." "But that's gonna remain on your permanent record." "What's the other option, Mr. Schue?" "Oh, hell to the no!" "Look, I'm not down with this background singing nonsense!" "I'm Beyoncé!" "I ain't no Kelly Rowland." "Okay, look, Mercedes." "It's just one song." "And it's the first time we've been kind of good." "Okay." "You're good, white boy." "I'll give you that." "But you better bring it." "Let's run it again." "All right." "Let's do it." "From the top." "You usually don't let me in your craft room." "Isn't this fun?" "And challenging?" "Every Wednesday we're gonna have puzzle night... because I know how important it is for you to have a creative outlet." "You know, the kids have been working so hard." "I was thinking about taking them on a field trip next Saturday." "Carmel High's performing a showcase down in Akron." "Carmel's gonna be the team to beat at Regionals... and I was wondering if you might want to come chaperone with me." " On Saturday?" "Oh, I can't." " Oh." "I had to pick up an extra shift at work, Will." "We're living paycheck to paycheck." "How much of that paycheck goes to your Pottery Barn credit card?" "I don't know what you're talking about." "Don't go in the Christmas closet!" "I was looking for my jacket the other day." "Come on!" " We cannot afford this stuff, Terri!" " But we could, Will!" "Yes, I am a shoo-in to be promoted during the Christmas week at Sheets 'N' Things!" "I reek of management potential!" "And they're hiring at H.W. Menken!" "My passion is teaching, Terri!" "For the last time, I don't want to be an accountant!" "Dr. Phil said people could change." "It's not a bad thing to want a real life, Will." "And to have a glue gun that works!" "You know, it's really hard for me not having the things that I need." "Oh!" "And you need three mahogany toilet brush holders?" "They're Balinese!" "It is not a bad thing to want things, Will." "I understand your interest in these kids, Will." "I really do." "Yeah." "It's your way of recapturing your glory days." "But I'm not the high school cheerleader anymore... and you are not the golden boy." "High school's over for both of us." "It's time that you move on." "You're the quarterback!" " Coach, it's temporary..." " No!" "I don't want to hear it!" "You make a decision." "Either you're a football player or you're a singer!" "Hey, what's going on?" "Oh, it's..." "I just..." "I have to miss practice Saturday afternoon." "It's, uh, my mom." "I gotta help her cook and, uh, do things." "Why?" "She just had, uh, surgery." "What kind of surgery?" "Uh, well, she, uh, had to have her prostate out." "Man, that's a tough break." "Yeah." "It's, uh, engorged." "You think this is hard?" "I'm living with hepatitis." "That's hard!" "You stole my quarterback." "Okay, look, Finn's got a great voice." "He just wants to express himself." " You're screwing up my life." " Okay, Ken?" "You hate football." "What's this really about?" "Hey, MM." "So, I got tickets to monster trucks this weekend." " Loge tickets." " No, thanks." "Not my thing." "Truckzilla vs. Truckosaurus." "And get this... the trucks breathe fire." "Ken, look, you know how every time you ask me out, I tell you I'm on my period?" " Which doesn't bother me." " Or I tell you I'm suffering from cluster headaches." "Or I'm allergic to nighttime." "Those things?" "Not really true." " I'm just not interested in dating you..." " Shh." "How do I get you... into my hatchback?" "Okay, Ken, fine." "Make me say it." "I like somebody else." "Nothing I can do about it because they're unavailable, so I have to deal with that, but..." "You're right." "I'm overreacting." " The herd will take care of it." " The herd?" "The student body." "The second someone tries to rise above, be different, herd pulls 'em back in." "So..." "Oh, and by the way... thanks for putting a good word in for me with Emma, buddy." "I guess you just want her for yourself, huh?" "Adios, amigo." " You're very talented." " Really?" "Yeah." "I would know." "I'm very talented too." "I think the rest of the team expects us to become an item." "You, the hot male lead... and me, the stunning young ingénue everyone roots for." "Well, I, uh, have a girlfriend." "Really?" "Who?" "Quinn Fabray." "Cheerleader Quinn Fabray?" "The president of the celibacy club?" "Wait." "Let's pray." "For almost four months now." "She's cool." "I wonder if they have Sour Patch Kids." "Those kielbasas look like they've been there a while." "Do you want to go halfsies on a P.B. and J?" " That sounds perfect." " Yeah?" "Yeah." "Let's go." "Sorry." "Excuse me." "I haven't had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich in... a really long time." " Really?" " Yeah." "My wife's allergic to nuts." "Oh." "Oh." "Well, that's really sweet though." "Not eating something because she can't." " Oh." "Yeah." " It's very nice." "Oh, that's really noisy." "But they're clean." " Oh, my gosh." " There you go." " How, um..." " Mmm." "How long have you two been married?" "Mmm, five years last March." " Really?" "Mmm." " Yeah." "But we've been together since high school." "She was my first girlfriend, actually." "Was it love at first sight?" "For me it was." "I don't know." "She used to be filled with so much joy." "And now?" "Ah, showtime." " You don't want to hear about my marital problems." " No, I do." "I do..." "I'd love to hear..." "You..." "I'm not happy that you have marital problems." " People talk to me a lot because I'm a guidance counselor." " Okay, here's the thing." " Terri rides me hard, and I've always appreciated it." " Mm-hmm." "I figure she just wants me to be better, you know?" "But lately, though, I keep asking myself, better at what?" "Making money?" "Being upwardly mobile?" "Thank you." "I don't know." "I love her." "Don't get me wrong." " But we just gotta get back on the same page." " Did you like the sandwich?" "Oh, my God." "It's, like, the best I've ever had." "Hey, guys." "So this is supposed to be our "competition."" "But I honestly don't think that they've got the talent that we've got." "But let's be a good audience." "Give them some of that old McKinley High respect." "Please give a warm Buckeye State welcome... to last year's regional champion, Vocal Adrenaline!" "We're d-d-doomed." "Chicks don't have prostates." "I looked it up." "You broke the rules." "For that, you must be punished." "Wait, wait, wait." "Wait, y-you've got the power here." "Y-You don't have to do this!" "There's my baby." "Wow, honey." "This is amazing." "What..." "What's the congratulations for?" "The kids haven't won anything yet." "I'm pregnant." " Really?" " Yeah!" "Terri, don't mess with me." "Oh, my God." "This is amazing!" "We're gonna be a family." "Oh, my God!" "Oh, I can't believe it." "You're leaving us?" "When?" "I've given my two-weeks notice." "But I promise I'm gonna find you guys a great replacement before I go." "Is this 'cause those Carmel kids were so good?" "Because we can work harder." "This isn't fair, Mr. Schuester." "We can't do this without you." "So does that mean that I don't have to be in the club anymore, or..." "Look, this isn't about you guys." "Being an adult is about having to make difficult choices." "It's not like high school." "Sometimes you have to give up the things that you love." "One day you guys are gonna grow up and understand that." "I have..." "loved being your teacher." "I heard he's having a baby." "That's why he gave Figgins his notice." "Really?" "Need help grading those papers?" "It's actually an application for H.W. Menken." "They're hiring." "Come on." "Accounting is sexy." "I'll miss you." " Before you leave, can you do me a favor?" " Yeah." "I made an appointment for you tomorrow..." "in the career center." "You need some guidance." "I'm having a kid, Emma." "What I need is better benefits." "Just come, Will, for me." " Didn't see you at Glee Club today." " Is that still happening?" " I've taken over." " Oh." "I'm interim director, but I expect the position will become permanent." " Hi, Finn." "RuPaul." " Hey." " What are you doing talking to her?" " Oh..." "Science project." "We're partners." "Christ Crusaders tonight at 5:00, my house." "Sounds great." "Look, I should go." "I can't do Glee anymore." "It conflicts with..." "Your reputation?" "You've really got something, Finn, and you're throwing it away." " I-I'm gonna be late." " You can't keep worrying about what people think." "You're better than all of them." "What do you want me to do, apologize?" "That's not me, dude." "Look, if I joined the flag team, you'd beat the crap out of me." "I just don't understand why you did it." "Schuester told me he'd give me enough extra credit to pass Spanish if I joined the club." "I didn't have a choice." "If I failed another class, I'd be off the team." "Look, it's over." "Okay?" "I quit." "Anything else?" "No, that's it." "And as a welcome back to the world of the normal, I got you a present." "What's that noise?" "Oh, God!" "Help!" "Help!" " Help!" " Is someone in there?" "We got that wheelchair kid inside." "We're gonna flip it." "Isn't that kind of dangerous?" "He's already in a wheelchair." "Come on, dude." "We saved you the first roll." "Oh!" "Thank you." "Thank you so much." "Thank you." "Oh, my God." "The smell." "What the hell, dude?" "I can't believe you're helping out this loser." "Don't you get it, man?" "We're all losers." "Everyone in this school." "Hell, everyone in this town." "Out of all the kids who graduate, maybe half will go to college." "And..." "And two will leave the state to do it." "I'm not afraid of being called a loser, 'cause I can accept that that's what I am." "But I am afraid of turning my back on something... that actually made me happy for the first time in my sorry life." "So, what?" "Are you quitting to join Homo Explosion?" "No." "I'm doing both." "'Cause you can't win without me, and neither can they." " Go, go!" " Track, track, track, Ronnie." "Look, you guys." "These steps are not hard." "I've been doing them since preschool." "I'm sorry." "Did I miss the election for queen?" "Because I didn't vote for you." "I know what I'm talking about." "I won my first dance competition when I was three months old!" " This is a closed rehearsal." " Look, I owe you guys an apology." "I never should've quit." "I don't want to be the guy that just drives around throwing eggs at people." " That was you?" " You and your friends threw pee balloons at me." " I know." " You nailed all my lawn furniture to my roof." "I wasn't actually there for that, but I'm really sorry." "Look, that isn't who I am, and I'm tired of it." "This is what I want to be doing, with you guys." "I used to think that this was, like, the lamest thing on earth... and maybe it is." "But we're all here for the same reason... 'cause we want to be good at something." "Artie, you play guitar, right?" " Think you could recruit the jazz band?" " I do have pull there." "All right." "Mercedes, we need new costumes, and they have got to be cool." "Can you do that?" "Damn!" "Don't you see what I've got on?" "Rachel, you can do choreography." "Tina, what are you good at?" " Uh..." "Uh..." " We'll figure something out for you." "And what are you bringing to the table, Justin Timberlake?" "I've got the music." "I want to show you something." "I did a little research." "And this is a tape I found in the library of the '93 team at Nationals." "Let's dance!" "Do you know who that is?" "That's you, Will." "That's you happier than I've ever seen you." "That was the greatest moment of my life." " Why?" " Because I loved what I was doing." "Yeah, I knew before we were halfway through with that number that we were gonna win." "And being a part of that, in that moment..." "I knew who I was in the world." "And the only time I felt..." "I felt that way since then... was when Terri told me I was gonna be a father." "No." "No." "I need to provide for my family." "But provide what exactly?" "The understanding that money is the most important thing?" "Or the idea that the only life worth living... is one that you're really passionate about, Will?" "Good, guys." "It's a nine." "We need a 10." "Rachel, you need to hit the ones and the fives." "Finn, I think if we worked on it, you could hit a high "B."" "So does this mean you're staying?" "It would kill me to see you win Nationals without me." "From the top."