"# I'm getting tired of the city All the noise and the mess" "# Want a new beginning and a new address" "# Why don't we run away To somewhere where the birds still sing?" "# I want the green green grass And a country house" "# In a place where my face ain't known" "#And in the green green grass It'll come to pass" "# We'll have somewhere to call our own" "# We'll have somewhere to call our home #" "Pour it gently, slowly." "What you doing?" "Oh!" "Thank God it's just you, ma'am." "Where's Farmer Boyce?" "He's upstairs." "We're driving Tyler to school in a little while." "What are you up to?" "We've got a surprise for Farmer Boyce." "Got to keep it secret, though." "No need to brackle up clobs and neebra spoil everything." "Yes, I suppose so." "Is this the surprise?" "Yeah." "Oh, I can't wait to see his face." "There's nothing he likes more than homemade wine." "This is not homemade wine, ma'am." "This is Gloppo." "Gloppo?" "What on earth is Gloppo?" "You know the situation with Rocky the bull out there..." "About what the vet said." "About him being a gay bull." "We're country people and we have country ways." "That's very true." "Yeah, lots of ways." "We put our heads together and we came up with an idea." "What, the four of you put your heads together and came up with one idea?" "No, no!" "No, it weren't one idea, it were several ideas, weren't it?" "No, no, it was just the one idea!" "We started thinking that Rocky's not as gay as some folks think." "Yeah, maybe he's not interested in those cows because maybe he's just past his best." "See, when a man reaches a certain age, his libido weakens." "My husband's libido went at 1 9." "Yeah." "And the same things happens with bulls and rams." "You see this is where Gloppo comes in." "It's a kind of pick-me up." "Bit of a tonic." "A herbal Niagara." "We're going to start giving Rocky a couple of spoonfuls a day and then maybe them cows out there will prove to be a more attractive proposition for the old fella." "And you think that can work?" "That's an old country recipe." "They've been making it for centuries." "BOYCIE:" "Marlene!" "Act normal. just sit around here doing nothing." "Morning, Farmer Boyce." "Oh, good morning, Mrs, er..." "Mrs Cakeworthy." "Yes." "Sit down, I'll pour you a cup of coffee." "I was just saying to your lady wife," "I was down them there twains and groystum where the nippa glams in the pliffs and the settee looked like it had just given birth to kittens." "And there's the glossopp mire a scudder, no cumbers with cufflits or mardles, just a packet of Nurofen and a poster of Robbie Williams." "Now does that sound right to you?" "Of course it doesn't!" "But I can't say nothing, can I?" "'Cause he's me dad." "Here you are." "Thank you." "Oh, look at this!" "I don't believe this place." "Everywhere you go, there's tractors causing traffic jams." "I mean, do they really need them?" "No, I think they buy 'em just to annoy you." "Yeah, seems that way." "Dad, give him some heat." "Oh, no, look who it is." "It's Llewellyn, our mad next door neighbour." "Now, don't you go annoying him, he hates you." "Yeah, but why does he hate Dad?" "Thousands of people have hated your father." "We never knew why." "I think it's his face." "Oh, here we go." "What in God's name are you doing?" "You're not from round these parts, are you?" "You know I'm not from round here!" "I'd have guessed it anyway, 'cause if you had been from round here, you'd have known that I turn right here every Thursday!" "Oh, by the way, your wheel's on my land." "Get it off, there's a good lad." "And that dog of yours, has that been on my land?" "I don't know!" "Have you been on his land?" "I'll take that as a no comment." "Well, something has been up in my top field bothering my sheep." "And you know the law of the country." "In a situation like that we're allowed to shoot!" "Are you threatening to shoot my dog?" "Not your dog, you!" "You keep your dog on a lead." "And you keep your dog on a lead." "That told him." "What's the matter with you?" "You've been fidgeting all night." "My boobs keep itching." "Your boobs?" "Yeah." "Oh, it's most probably jogger's nipple." "Rub some cream on 'em or something." "Well, what sort of cream?" "I don't know, St Ivel." "Shut up moaning." "What's that?" "Tyler getting ready for school." "But it's only quarter past six in the morning." "What's that?" "Shaving." "He's really changed since he started at this school, hasn't he?" "Yeah, he's working hard." "Especially at English." "Aftershave." "No, he hasn't missed a day of school since he started there." "Maybe he's beginning to realise just how important school is." "Thomas Hardy wrote a series of novels, including Far From the Madding Crowd, between the mid to late 1 800s." "And as we know, Hardy himself had lived all his life in the countryside and was very aware of and sympathetic towards the problems of farming communities." "Well, according to his English teacher he's doing well in patches." "His Shakespeare's not up to much, his Chaucer needs cheering up." "But she's very impressed with his Hardy." "Really?" "Which one was he, the fat one or the thin one?" "For God's sake, Marlene, it's the..." "Dad, what make-up does Mum use?" "God knows, but whatever it is, it does exactly what it says on the tin." "So, what do you want to know that for?" "Oh, it's for an essay I'm doing in English class." "About this young bloke who's fallen in love for the first time but doesn't know how to the let the other person know." "So he decides to buy a present." "Do you think that would work?" "I mean, you've been in love with someone for a long time." "How dare you!" "I've been married to your mother for 30-odd years." "I meant Mum." "Oh, oh, I see, right." "Can you remember how you met and what happened?" "Yeah, we were introduced at a party." "We had a dance, something to drink, left about 1 :00." "I had my arm round her waist, someone else was holding her feet." "We got her home eventually." "What about the first time you told her you loved her?" "Told her I loved her?" "Yeah." "(CHUCKLES) I can't remember." "Oh, all right, then." "Well, I've got to get back to school." "I've got that extra English class." "Told her I loved her?" "And now he's got a platinum record, a Ferrari with crojick and souse and herpes." "I was just telling your missus about my cousin who's big in entertainment in the Shrewsbury area." "Any of your family in show business?" "Not really." "A long time ago, my cousin was mistaken for Ringo Starr." "Ah, that's nice." "She didn't think so." "I was once mistaken for Cindy Crawford." "Cindy Crawford, not Michael?" "No, it was a young chap in pig breeding, it was from a distance." "Where was he, in a plane?" "No, it was a tractor." "Something might have come of it too with the frums and ballbens but then my husband, Mr Cakeworthy, came along, swept me off my feet." "Slaughter man, see." "He was the David Beckham of the abattoir world." "Oh, by the way." "I found something in Master Tyler's bedroom I think you ought to see." "BOYCIE:" "Marlene, we may have a problem." "We were talking about how Tyler has changed since he's been going to that new school." "Well, he might have changed in ways that we haven't imagined." "Mrs Cakeworthy found something in his bedside table." "Found what?" "A box of make-up." "Make-up?" "Yeah, women's make-up!" "What's he want with make-up?" "I've been asking myself the same question." "See, there are men who like to dress up as women!" "Oh, yeah, I know." "Some women like to look like men." "Yeah, look at your mother." "No, no, I mean, she told us about that girl at the factory." "Oh, yeah, what, Liza the Geezer?" "Yeah." "Oh, no, it's just the fashion." "Lots of blokes wear make-up." "Look at Duran Duran." "Is that supposed to cheer me up?" "But we hear him shaving every night." "Yeah, but what's he shaving?" "Look, if that is how he feels inside, we have to accept him as he is." "At least it means I'll have someone to discuss fashion with." "You will, the other day he was asking me what make-up you wore." "Maybe he wants to look like his mummy." "So did Norman Bates!" "And there's something else." "He's started smoking!" "He's started smoking?" "Yeah." "I found this dog-end wrapped up in tissue paper and there's lipstick traces all round the filter tip." "I've warned him about smoking ever since he was a little..." "Oh, that's a nice colour." "I'll have to ask him where he got it." "TYLER:" "Mum!" "It's him." "Now you be nice to him, I don't want him to feel isolated." "Oh, hello, darling, you're late tonight." "Yeah, I went on to rugby training." "You must be starving." "I'll defrost something for you." "No, I don't want anything." "I'm going to go on a diet and I want to get some new clothes, a whole new wardrobe, something different." "Daddy wants to talk to you." "Tyler, your mother and I have noticed a remarkable change in your personality." "In what way?" "Well, suddenly you've got one." "You're working hard, you're shaving, you've started to smell nice." "I think self-grooming's important in a man." "Also, you have burnt your skateboard." "When I was a child, I spake as a child." "Eh?" "I understood as a child, I thought as a child." "But when I became a man, I put away childish things." "Are you on drugs?" "No, of course I'm not." "It's just something I learnt at school." "Earlier this evening, I was walking past your room and something fell out of your bedside table." "Yeah?" "So?" "Well, your father and I were wondering what a 1 6-year-old rugby-playing student" "would be doing buying women's make-up?" "It's a present." "And I said to your father, "I bet it's a present."" "I take it's a present from you and not to you?" "Yeah." "Do you remember I was telling you about that bloke in my essay?" "The one who wanted to buy someone a gift?" "Well, it wasn't a bloke in a story, it was me." "I've met this girl." "It's a girl!" "Yeah." "You're sure?" "Yes." "Good!" "Open a bottle of champagne." "I'll go get the glasses." "So, you got yourself a bird." "Yeah, I think this might be the real thing." "Might be the real thing?" "For God's sake, Tyler, you're still a kid." "I'm almost 1 7." "Exactly." "You were engaged at 1 7." "Well, that's different, we were mods." "Look, Dad, can I talk to you, man to man?" "Why?" "'Cause you're my Dad and I respect your opinion." "Sort of." "And there's still a few things about love and life that confuse me." "I mean, what do you think about sex before marriage?" "Depends what time the wedding is." "Marlene, have you got those glasses?" "What about you and Mum?" "Well, your mum's parents were always dead set against pre-marital sex." "So I tried to put their minds at rest by saying I never intended to marry her." "So we ended up having what they call a machine-gun wedding." "No, you mean a shotgun wedding." "No, her brother had an Uzi." "Dad, why are you doing this?" "Doing what?" "Laughing at all my feelings." "Oh, Tyler, I'm not laughing at you." "I've just never had a 1 6-year-old son asking me these questions before." "So, I'm not quite sure how to deal with it." "Here we go." "So, who is this little girl?" "Someone from the village?" "Well, I've got to tell you the truth." "It's not really a girl." "If it ain't a girl, what is it?" "No, she's a woman." "How old is she?" "2 3." "2 3?" "Where do you know her from?" "She works at my school." "What, you're having a fling with a dinner lady?" "No, she's my English teacher." "She's your teacher?" "What's wrong with that?" "It's disgraceful." "That's what's wrong with it." "Calm down, Marlene." "Calm down?" "How would you have liked it when you were 1 6, being seduced every day by some mini-skirted tart of an English teacher?" "It would have been unbearable." "But anyway, how do you know anyone's been seduced?" "How far has this affair gone?" "Well, the relationship hasn't been consumed yet, if that's what you mean." "Oh, there you are then, the relationship hasn't been consumed yet, and she's teaching him English." "And what about this?" "Well, it's Rhian's." "I kept it as a sort of a memento." "It touched her lips." "I'm going to go and see this Rhian." "I don't think that's a good idea either, Marlene." "Can I invite her round to meet you?" "Oh, I'd love that." "Give me plenty of notice, though, so Mummy can go and get a cake and loads of ashtrays." "Thanks, Mum, that's really cool." "Read the relevant chapter and bring me your conclusions on Monday." "Have a nice weekend." "Tyler, will you stay behind?" "I get the impression you enjoy the work of Thomas Hardy." "A lot of boys of your age seem to get a bit embarrassed about the romantic and sexual elements within theses pages, but you don't." "No, I love all that." "Yeah, that's the impression I got." "But here's my problem." "When you first joined us, the rest of the class was halfway through this Thomas Hardy project, which is why I suggested a series of after-school meetings in which I would try to help you catch up on lost ground." "And to begin with, you did really well." "So well that a couple of weeks back" "I said we could cancel these one-to-one extracurricular lessons." "But since then your work seems to have gone downhill, and well, at this rate, we're going to have to carry on seeing each other like this till the end of term." "Oh, well." "I, for one, don't want to spend my leisure hours in a stuffy classroom." "Well, we could go somewhere else." "Do you like Chinese food?" "I'll pay." "Right, now..." "No, Tyler, I don't think that would be appropriate." "I bought you a present." "That's very nice of you, but I'm afraid I can't accept it." "Well, you see, it was only just to say thanks for all the help you've given me." "No, really, I mustn't take it." "I mean, what would my boyfriend say?" "Oh, I didn't know you had a boyfriend." "Well, I call him my boyfriend but he's a man, an older man." "How old is he?" "No, sort of what, 30?" "Older." "What?" "That's gross." "I thought one day..." "No, no." "Sorry." "Now, just concentrate on the most important thing, your education." "Hiya." "Hi." "I bought you a present." "You've bought me a present." "Why?" "Well, I've been wanting to say hello for ages but didn't quite know how to." "So, I bought you this." "Oh thanks, that's really nice of you." "Do you like Chinese food?" "Yeah." "Do you fancy going out to dinner with me tonight, then?" "I'll pay." "All right, then." "Cool." "What's your name?" "Beth." "Lovely." "Oh, I'm sorry to bother you like this." "I am Tyler Boyce's father and I think we need to talk." "Oh, yeah, I think we do." "Please come in." "Firstly, can I get you a drink?" "No, thanks." "I have an awful lot to say and I think the sooner we..." "The same here." "But I always find these things far easier and more pleasant with a nice glass of wine." "Please, take your coat off and have a seat." "Right, thank you." "Well, goodnight to you, ma'am, we'll see you in the morning." "Yes, goodnight, Mrs Cakeworthy." "I'll bid you goodnight as well, ma'am." "Yes." "Elgin, do you know where my husband is?" "He's gone to visit some teacher." "Apparently young Tyler's having trouble, so Farmer Boyce has gone to sort it out." "Oh, he's gone to see her?" "Well, maybe that's just as well." "Bloody woman, I'll swing for her." "Don't you worry, ma'am, Farmer Boyce knows what he's doing." "Oh, Elgin, someone left a bottle of Gloppo lying around." "Oh, that's not Gloppo, ma'am." "No, Gloppo's outside in the bull's shed." "I thought both bottles were the same." "No, no, they look alike, but that's Parbine." "Parbine?" "What the hell is Parbine?" "It's for the cows, supposed to improve the milk yield." "See, we puts it in the water trough and it increases the size of their udders." "Oh, thank you." "So you're saying that Tyler made this entire thing up?" "Yes." "He's 1 6 and 1 6-year-old boys and girls can develop crushes on their teachers." "I was being lectured on the subject at Teacher Training College only a couple of months ago." "Last night he wanted you to come round for Sunday tea with us." "And tonight he's sitting in some Chinese restaurant with Beth Harrison, one of his classmates." "He's out with another girl?" "Yes, but a girl of his own age." "You see, these sort of fantasies happen." "There's nothing I or any other teacher can do about it, just pray that the parents are understanding and willing to listen." "I wanted to come and talk to you about the problem, but I was worried it would embarrass Tyler." "I saw you lots of times coming to pick him up." "I thought, "Shall I talk to Mr Boyce?"" "What do you think?" "Would you have liked it if I'd come and spoke to you?" "Oh, yes, yes, all things considered, yes." "I think we could have solved the problem much earlier." "Yes." "But some things you have to wait for." "Even if Tyler wasn't in my class, do you honestly think a woman like me would be interested in a boy?" "Not really my type." "No, I prefer my men to be like fine wine, more mature." "Men who have had experience." "Men who have power and know how to use it." "Will you stay for another glass of wine?" "Of course you will." "Are you in any particular hurry this evening?" "No, nothing special on." "Good." "I haven't got much on either." "We can be company for each other." "What sort of music do you like?" "Anything, from Tchaikovsky to the Cheeky Girls." "I've got a collection of '60s records over there." "Dylan, the Stones..." "Oh, I love the Stones." "Let's Spend the Night Together." "Can I take your coat?" "No!" "I mean, no, it's fine." "I'll be back in a moment." "I'm so glad you came over." "It can get very lonely out here on your own, especially at night." "Do you like dancing?" "Oh, yeah, I love it." "No, I mean, I..." "I was just thinking that if my wife, Mrs Boyce, knew that we were here like this..." "Like what?" "Drinking, listening to records, dancing, talking dirty, she might get the wrong impression." "Oh, if you were really worried about your wife, you'd have left after the first glass of wine, wouldn't you?" "Answer, Marlene." "Please answer." "Save me, Marlene." "Oh, hello, Marlene." "Listen, it's Boycie." "I had to call, I thought you might be worried." "Oh, all right, then." "Look, I'm on my way home." "Yeah, I'm leaving right now." "I'll see you in about five minutes." "And Marlene, I love..." "My God." "She said she preferred 'em more mature and she wasn't kidding!" "That's the Welshman!" "Hello, darling!" "I wasn't expecting you home so early." "I thought you were at your anger management course." "I was, but there was a punch-up so I had to cancel the meeting." "Let me introduce you." "This is..." "I know who he is." "What I don't know is what is he doing here?" "Oh, well, I'm his son's teacher and he popped in to discuss his progress." "just popped in for a bottle of wine, more like." "The only progress he was interested in was the progress he could make with you." "How dare you?" "Take that back!" "Ooh, take it back, is it?" "Right." "Eh, eh, you, you." "You make me take it back." "I will as well." "All right, come on, then." "Oh, I'm ready for you." "Eh, come on, then." "I'm coming." "Oh, will the both of you please stop it?" "Thought you'd come round here and have your evil English way, did you?" "Oh, don't start all that Welsh Nationalist cobblers!" "Me?" "I'm a happily married man!" "What about you, living here with this young girl?" "Good God, man!" "You've got liver spots older than her!" "Oh!" "Stop it!" "You didn't allow me to complete my introductions." "Mr Boyce, my father." "Your father?" "Aye." "I'm only staying here until I can find a permanent teaching position." "Oh, I didn't realise it was so late." "I think I'd better be off." "That's the only sensible thing I've heard an Englishman say for years." "Oh, you're back." "Did you see her?" "Yeah, I saw her." "Did you give her what for?" "Nearly." "But there was nothing going on between her and Tyler." "She's bound to say that." "Her job's on the line." "No, she was telling the truth." "Tyler was making the whole thing up." "He was wish-thinking, fantasising, that's all." "He's got another girl now, more of his own age." "He's out with her now." "Oh, I'm so relieved." "Oh, love him." "Do you want a drink?" "No, thanks." "Do you fancy an early night?" "No, I think I'll watch a bit of telly." "No." "I mean, do you fancy an early night?" "All right, then." "Marlene, can you remember the first time I told you I loved you?" "Told me you loved me?" "Yeah." "Good." "# I'm getting tired of the city All the noise and the mess" "# Why don't we run away To somewhere where the birds still sing?" "# I want the green green grass And a country house" "# In a place where my face ain't known" "#And in the green green grass It'll come to pass" "# We'll have somewhere to call our own" "# We'll have somewhere to call our home #" "Marlene?" "(CHUCKLES) Boycie." "My boobs are still are itching."