"Vince, how often do you whistle?" " Never." " Mm." "I hate whistling." "Boo, boo, boo, boo, boo." "What's that all about?" "Idiots." "When was the last time you went dancing?" " You don't whistle, do you?" " No." "No, I've never caught you doing it." "I can't." "Hurts that bit there." "When was the last time you went dancing?" " What you on about?" " It's a questionnaire." ""Are you happy?"" " FILL It In yourself." " I did." "I scored 92, which means I'm ecstatic." "So far you've scored five, but you get that for bothering to fill it in." "I'm not filling It In." "I'll do it." "It's just a bit of fun." "I'm all right." "I don't need any fun." "Well, I'll guess what you would say." "Bet you don't like... musicals." " Or flowers." " They attract bees." "How many friends you got?" " Ten." " Ten?" "!" " All right, six." " There's no point cheating." "It's Bella magazine, put six." "Do you want children?" "Nobody wants children." "They just get on with it." "Like you fall over, you get a bruise on your arse." "That's life." " Is that a "yes" or a "no"?" " Do you get more points for "yes"?" " Yes." " Yes." "Where are you happiest?" "At work, home, or out and about?" "In the bath." "That's not on here, should I put "home"?" "No!" "You're not home." "You're in the bath." "It's different." "I mean, you're not there for a start." "It's just bath, it's a controlled environment." "If you're too hot, you add a bit of cold." "If you're too cold, you add a bit of hot." "You're in the bath." "Shall I put out and about?" "No, you're not out and about, are you?" "You're in the bath." "Idiot!" "Work?" "No, you're not..." "That's not..." "No..." "You come home from work, you go in..." "Just put "bath"." "It's not..." "It's not on here." "Put "bath"." "Put "bath"." "Just give me the next question." "Is your Life getting better or worse?" " I'm having a bath." " Another one?" " Yeah." " You all right?" "I'm fine." "What's my score?" "23, depressed." "I feel fine." "I've just had a bit of bad news, that's all." "I'll get over it." "Life goes on." " What happened?" " I don't want to talk about it." "Shall I put "worse" then?" "I'm a bit worried about him." "Seems a bit depressed." "No, I mean really depressed." "Well, only because you're one of the numbers in his phone book." "OK, thanks for your help." "No, I'd rather not tell him that." "07700-900006." " (Errol) Hello, hi. is that Vince's dad?" " Speaking." "It's his flat mate here." "Have you got a moment?" "Well, I am a bit busy." "It's just..." "It's Vince, he seems a bit depressed." "Don't take any notice." "He's always been a miserable bugger." "Goodbye!" "Apologies everyone, I thought It was my bookmaker." "Now, where was I?" "Venus de Milo." "Just kidding." "Hello, this is jim Robins from Hanna-Barbers Productions, Los Angeles." " hope I'm speaking to Mr Vince Clark." "In response to your query, Mr Clark, Yogi Beafs fie was fashioned In a Windsor knot." "I repeat, a Windsor knot." "I hope this satisfies your curiosity." "Goodbye" "Oh, could you give me a hand with this please, love?" "Yeah, yeah." " Ta." " That's OK." "Thanks." "Oh, look." "You've got dust all down your trousers." "It's OK." "Don't worry about it, I'm fine." "Oh, and it's all over the back." "Here, look." "No, no, no, no, no, no, it's fine, fine." "No, you can't go out looking like that." "It's fine, thank, thanks." "I think it's all gone now." "Yeah." "Ain't you've got lovely eyes?" "No, I haven't." "Got to go." "Thank you." "(Man straining)" "All right, Let's go with the rabbit." "Easy!" "Let's have another." "Hello, I'm Corinne." "I'm waiting for Errol" "We met in the health food shop, started chatting." "So I came back here." "Errol's getting changed, he spilled yoghurt on his trousers." "I'm not his dad." "Oh, I know." "He told me all about you." "How are you feeling?" "I'm a healer." "Good money?" "Oh, I don't do it for the money." "I like healing." "Get off!" "What are you doing?" "There's nothing wrong with me." "I think that there is." "No, I just had a bath." "I feel great." "Probably feel as good as you feel." "Oh, I don't think so." "I do." "I mean, how good do you feel?" "Oh, you can't measure these things." "You can, nine." "You Look like, what, 4.5." "I can assure you, it is a lot higher than that." " What?" " Ten." "Only goes up to nine." "Errol, are you going to be Long?" "Argh!" "Who wants it?" "Come on!" "Give me a tortoise." "@GEGDU" "OK, Let's have another." "Tell me about Errol" "He's a bloke." "Lives here." "Has he got a girlfriend?" "What do you think?" "!" "I bet that was annoying." "Ah, Vince, Windsor knot." "Yeah, I know." "You were so sure, weren't you?" "What made you so sure?" "Lager." "Vince told me you haven't got a girlfriend." "I have." "I have got a girlfriend." "Right, I see." "A real one?" " Yeah." " Mm..." "So, why you hanging around with me then, eh?" "Are you a bit of a rogue?" "Are you a bit wild?" " You a bit dangerous?" " Well, I know I'm clumsy." "Cos once I took off me jumper and gave me sister a black eye." " Oh!" " Yeah." "It was an accident." "She went nuts." "Melted all me badges." "So, you looking forward to lunch, are you?" "I'm only doing one day." "I'm not doing the whole week." "That was the bet." "You've got to do the whole week." " No, I can't." " You've got to." "When I Lost, you made me wear Alan's Speedos for a month." "What would your girlfriend say if she saw us here like this?" " Now?" " Oh, I don't know." "You could ask her if you like." "You're a beast, aren't you?" "Come on!" "Remember, be nice to him." " Mind If I...?" " Yeah." " Anyone sitting there?" " Can't see anyone. (Laughs)" "Mates not talking to you?" "Stuck with me, are you?" "Mind that sausage you've got." "Oh, it would be in here." "Well, that's my fault." "I do the boilers." "Heard one about jelly baby that goes to the doctors?" "Heard that?" " No, I haven't, no." " It's great." "Er, the jelly baby doctors and he goes, he goes, er, "I've got VD"." "And the doctor goes... (Laughs)" ""No, you haven't got VD, you're jelly baby," and the jelly baby goes, jelly baby goes, he goes, he goes, he goes, "I've been shagging' all sorts."" "Oh...dear." "Cycled in today, look." "Had to wear this." "Safety." "Feel a right prat." " Oh!" "I'm really tired." " Oh!" "Yeah." "I'm really tired." " No, you can't be." " Yeah." "No, no, no, I don't, I don't mean that." "No, I'm tired." "I'm tired." "Not you, not you." "I'm tired." "I'm tired." "Yeah, I'm the one that's tired, not you..." "Look, it's quite early." "Would you like me to give you an energising rub?" "No, I've just had not much sleep lately, cos, you know, I was sick everywhere, you know." " Ah!" " Yeah." " Oh!" " Yeah, allover the place." " Full. on, yeah." " Yeah, everywhere." " Oh!" " Went into me hair." " And then in me ears." " Oh, you poor thing." "Yeah, it's my fault cos, you know, I was eating my scabs." "~ 0h!" " So they were, they..." " Come here." "They were itching, you know, yeah." "Where are the scabs?" "Just near me, on me underlings." "I love the astronauts, Armstrong, Collins, Aldrin," "Apollo 12, Conrad, Gold, Bing." "Do you know what they had in common?" "They were all astronauts." "No, well, yeah, but they all had the same shoe size." "It's amazing, size 9." "Do you know want what my subject would be if I was on Mastermind?" " Astronauts?" " No." "Hadrian's wall." "Do you want that?" "Do you want that?" "Do you want that?" "Do you want that?" "You want that?" "Want that?" "Want that?" " What that?" " Go on." " What's the date today?" " Er, 12th." "You got any older ham?" "What do you mean?" "You know, that's past its sell-by date." "We sell everything fresh." "Have you got any out in the back that's a bit dodgy?" "You know, it's got that shimmering rainbow effect." "Like you get on the credit card, you know." "Shiny, but on the ham." " This ham makes you sick." " Yeah." "No, I don't keep this ham." "(# Dub-reggae)" "This is Rasta Says." "The original dub-reggae workout." "Hi." "Humm." "Corinne won't like that, would she?" "Oh, she's gone off me." "I refused to sign a petition to save the snow Leopard." "Good for you." "Yeah. why?" "So she'd go off me." "She just came up to me in the health food shop." "I was only in there cos I can't go to the bakers anymore." "A woman in there keeps shoving cream horns on me face and inviting me to Leicester." "You know what's happening, Errol You're going through a purple patch." "Eh?" "The honey-soaked leg of the worker bee." "What?" "There's a brief period in every ugly bloke's Life where for some reason women find you irresistible." "Have you had one?" "No, it's for ugly blokes." "(Woman) Errol, can I use this blue towel?" " Yeah." " Who's that?" "Samantha." "She was following me around the Becket Centre." "I got me coat stuck in revolving door and she set me free." " Do you like her?" " No." " Then why don't you tell her?" " I don't like hurting people's feelings." "That's the best bit." " I'll do it if you want." " No, no, no, no." "Hi, you must be Vince." "I got me hands dirty rescuing Errol He said it'd be all right to use your bathroom." " I'm not his dad." " Oh!" "He Looked so helpless." "He was like an injured animal." " Weren't you?" " Yeah." "I helped an injured animal once, it's very rewarding." "What sort?" "You know, ones you find by a road." " Hedgehog?" " If you like." "Squirrel, badger, told it as a moose once." "What happened?" "Lived, died, ran off, whatever you want." "All right, I'm having a bath." "Another one?" "Yeah." "He's a bit depressed." "Oh!" " He doesn't like you." " What did you say that for?" " You said I was depressed." " You are depressed." " You don't like her." " Oh, don't you like me?" "No!" "Should I go then?" "Yes!" "Two..." "And three..." "And four/I'..." "And relax yourself" "(Knock on door)" "I'm busy." "Go in the sink." "(Errol) It's your dad, he's on the phone." "Vince!" "I'm busy." "And tell him I'm not phoning back if he's in the nude." "Of course I'm in the nude." "What's he worried about?" "Somebody is going to see his daddy's Little tiddler." "Just tell him I'm about to come into a bit of money, guaranteed, in the bag." "Sorry about that." "I'd like to book a flight..." "Somewhere hot." "Oh, hello!" "When will you people grow up?" "It's just a body." "It's my body... and it's beautiful." "Hello, Sid, how are you?" "Jimmy, I thought you've been transferred." "Didn't like it, too many murders." " Oh!" " Come on." "Can I take this?" "Vince, can you help me?" "There's a woman outside." "She has been out there all night." "Please, please, she's just out there and she's just..." "Thanks." "(Vince) Yaah!" "Whoo!" "Shoo, shoo, shoo." "Yeah!" "Get away!" "Ha!" "Thanks, Vince." "How do you keep the woman away, cos they don't hassle you." " You taking the piss." " No!" "I was just wondering, cos, you know, I've never seen you with a woman." "I was wondering what your secret was." "Cheese and onion crisps." "He says, er..." "He says, er..." "He says, er..." "Tosser's off." "I don't get it." "Donkey's called Tosser, he's ran off." " You never said the donkey was called Tosser." " Didn't I?" "Oh, it was still funny though." "Oh." "Bob Monkhouse told me that when I was on Wipeout." "Me and Bob." "I wore a suit, yeah." "Came last." "Still, good day, though." "Mm, I'm stuffed." "What's that sandwich?" "Make 'em yourself, yeah?" " You can have one if you want." " Yeah?" "What are they?" "Ham?" "Cheese?" "Egg?" "Ham." "Very nice." "Well..." "Best be going." "Pipes are calling." "♪ The pipes, the pipes are calling... ♪" "You want that?" "Yeah, well, it's always happening on them machines, what it was is the core spring on your drum come loose, so, well, you just give us a tenner." "You're sure, Brad." " Well, I was on me way home." " Thanks ever so much." "I don't know what I'll do with that washing machine." " All part of service, ma'am." " Oh, you've been to America." " No..." " He does trucker poems." "You know, he's the bloke I told you about does trucker poems." "Anyway, it's good to see you, Brad..." " You write poems?" " Yeah." "Yeah, yeah, he does." "So a tenner, eh?" "Go on, do one of your poems." "Nah!" "He don't need to do a poem now, it's twenty to seven." " Oh, go on." " No, no, he don't need to." "Well, all right, just one." "All right, just one." "Well, I worked in the office and the factory too" "But all them jobs I tn; to do" "Was just no good cos I had a dream" "About Life on the road in a trucking' machine" "A Peterbilt 379 with a Cummins engine, mighty fine 900 HP under the hood" "When you're sitting In a cab that feels real good..." "Yeah, get out." "And don't come round again!" "Unless it's for me, I mean, quite a Lot." "Errol Winston Rodney Spears." "What's the matter with you?" "The two most beautiful women that will ever be in this ï¬at, and you made me chuck them out." "This purple patch is not gonna last forever, you know." "I know you ugly blokes." "You're all the same." "You wait for Gwyneth Paltrow or Charlotte Church to turn up." "Well, it's not gonna happen." "I've got a girlfriend." "No you haven't!" "My motto is if you're gonna die" "Then do it with a plate of cherry pie" "Serves for country just like a man" "Who died in a cage in Vietnam." "So why have you never brought her around?" "Vince, where's my goldfish?" "It's no longer in captivity." "My granddad's ornamental plate?" "Well, that bleach was a lot stronger than I thought it was." "Where are me Roman coins?" "In the fruit machine." " Where are me trainers?" " You threw them out." "Only cos you cut them in half." "What?" "Where are you getting at." "Everything I've ever cared about, you've ruined." "Do you know what it's like Living with you, Vince?" "You come in and it's, "Don't do that." ""I'm not watching this." "Put your hood down." "Shave that off." ""Stop wandering about." "Give me your chips." "Kiss my arse."" " That was sarcastic." " Don't interrupt." ""Get in this box, don't eat that, blow on me soup," ""fix me slippers, put your hood down, stare at the sun."" "I didn't mean it." "I didn't do it." "What I'm trying to say is, Vince, for the first time in my life," "I've met someone really special and wonderful." "I'm not gonna let you ruin it." "Well, I'm sorry you feel like that." "And if you want to bring her around, you know, I promise, I'll be friendly and polite," "I won't be sarcastic or rude." "No, you're not gonna meet Eleanor." "Eleanor?" "!" "Ha ha!" "What sort of name's that?" "Eleanor!" "Through the desert, driving that load" "When I sees this hitcher, by the road..." " (Phone)" " Oh!" "I'll. get It!" "He's big and mean, and needs a shave... (# Whistle While You Work on mobile)" "07700-900006." "' Dad?" "' speaking_" " It's me." " Ah, Vincent." "Yes, I'm just on my way over." " You are wearing clothes, aren't you?" " I'm going under a bridge." " You're breaking up." " But, Dad..." "I held that coyote close to me" "In the middle of Highway 663." "Said, "I'm sorry, Little guy" ""I didn't mean for you to die."" "Looked in his eyes and they seemed to say" ""Don't worry, trucker, it's the end of play." ""The good Lord chooses when you're out of luck" ""Could have been a rattler, but I guess it was a truck."" "Wow, that was really good." "Thanks." "Of course, not my best one." "(Glam" "(Door buzzer)" "Happy?" "You know the rules." "Plus fours and a boob tube, grass skirt, bandana." "Oh!" "What do you want?" "You phoned me, you sounded a bit "uh huh, uh huh, uh huh."" "Yeah, but that was 1O minutes ago, I'm fine now." "Sorted myself out, as usual." "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa." "Your face, my arse." "Every time." "Vincent, I'll be straight with you." "I'm about to come into a shed load of cash." "Oh, good news for the flip-flop Industry." "So, I thought about arranging another family holiday." "Without your mother, of course." "Forget it." "And don't try and tempt me with the extra luggage allowance." "I see there's no photographs of your old dad." "Ah!" "Ha!" "You've still got that mug I gave you." "Oh, Vincent!" "How did we end up like this?" "Hey, don't go out there." "All I ever wanted to do was show you a new way to live." "Get inside, now." "Give you confidence, learn to love nature, learn to love yourself." "Get off my balcony." "Don't you want to be free, Liberated?" "Oh, stop it, Dad, please." "Oh Vince, what are you so scared off?" "People knowing you're my dad." "Don't you dare!" "I'm free!" "He is not my dad!" "Liberate yourself!" "Close your curtains!" "God made this body!" "He is not my dad!" " Come on, son, join me." " Get off!" "Get off!" " You know you want to." " Get off!" "He is not my son!" "Too sugars, please, Lad." "Ham sandwich?" "I know we've only known each other couple of weeks." " There's one." " Thanks." " And we've only just met up, like, three times." " Yeah." "I just wanted to say, well, ever since we've met..." "I think I'm in love with you." "No, er, I definitely am." " Really?" " Yes." "That's fantastic cos I'm in love with you too." " Wow, really?" " Yeah." " There's one!" " Thanks." "Oi, Vince, you'll be pleased." " No Clive today." " Is he sick?" "No, he got a call yesterday." "He's made it on The Weakest Link." " Filming today?" " Yeah." "Clive." "Clive." "Clive." "Clive." "(Retching)" "Neville."