"The Creative Union of Comedy and Musical Films" "Presents" "Kin Dza Dza" "Screenplay Revaz Gabriadze Giorgi Danelia" "Director Giorgi Danelia" "Cinematography Pavel Lebeshev" "Design Aleksandr Samulekin Theodor Tezhik" "Composer Ghia Kancheli" "Sound Yekaterina Popova" "Assistant Director Sergei Skripka" "Operators L. Bitz K. Gevorkyan Yu." "Yakovlev" "Hi" "Hi what's new?" "pipes burst on Manohin's site" "How's the A student?" "He's out..." "Vovka, pop out for some bread" " I forgot, eh?" "And pick up some macaroni." "Mister, that man says he's from another planet;" "we need to do something." "Call the ambulance" "I will call but he's almost barefoot - he'll catch a cold" "Hello!" "Hello." "Pardon my odor." "It's cold." "I picked this up from an iron bin." "Good man." "Friend!" "Tell me the number of your planet in "Tentura"?" "Or at least the number of your galaxy in the spiral?" "I got my contacts mixed up and now I can't return home." "We don't know the number." "We forgot, my friend." "And now this lad will go and call information, and we'll wait for him in the bakery, OK?" "And put this on meanwhile..." "Ah, thank you..." "Listen, friends." "There's no need for the bakery, no need for information." "Here is my planet..." "Uzm, 247 in "Tentura", galaxy Beta in the spiral." "Here is a space travel machine..." "So which buttons do I press to get back home?" "Time is relative - do you understand that?" "Let me make a suggestion." "We'll just press the button and go to your place." "But if the machine doesn't work, then you'll come with us where we want you to, OK?" "No, we can't..." "You have to know..." "Yeah, we can..." "What do you see?" "Sand..." "So the thingamajig worked... and that idiot, with holes, stayed behind?" "!" "Stay calm, just stay calm..." "The sun is here, the sand is here, the gravity is here." "So where are we?" "We're on Earth." "Or..." "Or?" "No, let's take it we're on Earth, in some desert..." "OK?" "Karakum?" "Eh?" "What other deserts do we have?" "Gobi, Sahara..." "No, I said OUR deserts!" "Well, WE also have Kyzyl Kum..." "No." "Let's assume that this is Karakum." "OK?" "So that means..." "The sun's in the west... so, Ashabad is that way." "Got it?" "Let's go!" "Let's go..." "let's go!" "Mister, what's your name?" "Vladimir Nikolayevich." "And I'm Gedevan." "Pleased to meet you..." "You have a bottle in your bag..." "Wine?" "Nah, it's vinegar." "And some herbs... kindza (coriander)." "Nice..." "Vladimir Nikolayevich, do you remember what number he said, the guy that has my sock?" "No." "Perhaps we're on the same planet that he came from?" "Listen, Skripach!" "Whatever we guess, it won't make the matters any clearer..." "We've picked a direction and walk..." "The main thing is to get to water." "Got it?" "Vladimir Nikolayevich, I want to put my slippers on." "So put them on!" "Then stop!" "What's the time?" "Four." "Night?" "Night..." "Are you late somewhere?" "I called from the airport to say I'd be there in an hour, and here I am..." "Are you studying at the conservatory?" "No, it's someone else's." "Professor Rogozina." "He gave a concert for us, and they forgot to put the violin in the plane." "A banquet?" "No, lunch..." "Ah!" "Are you from Tbilisi?" "From Batumi." "I thought I'd return the violin, and still have time to catch the train." "I study textiles in Ivanovo." "Aha..." "At first I took entrance exams to MGIMO, to the Institute of International Affairs, but they told me there that..." "Quiet!" "..." "A man..." "Hello..." "Capitalist country." "Do you know any languages?" "English." "Some French." "Tell them we have no money..." "Tell them!" "Hello!" "We are tourists, we separated from our group." "Could you give us a lift to the city, and then we'll figure something out on our own.... translate." "Do you speak English?" "Parle Francaise?" "Hello.." "Do you speak English?" "Parle Francaise?" "...Sprechen Sie Deutsch?" "Chatl!" "No money." "Money, documents, currency - all left with the tour guide." "It was an accident..." "We turned our backs for a minute and..." "got lost in the sand." "Take it." "It's warm." "Excuse me, what?" "You want my hat?" "You are welcome." "This isn't mine, I can't give it to you..." "There's nothing in there." "Open it." "It's not wine, it's vinegar." "Sour, yeah?" "Friend, so we've agreed?" "You'll give us a lift?" "Skripach, come on quickly..." "Like I said -- to the nearest town, and then we'll figure out our own way back.." "What, the jacket?" "Good thing I didn't give them the violin." "must have felt ashamed..." "Ktse!" "What do you mean 'Ktse'?" "It seems he wants a match" "You want a match?" "There you go." "The whole box?" "Get us away from here, and we'll give you 'Koo'." "Not a single letter, not a single "Made in ..." "Pardon me, I don't understand..." "Sprechen Sie Turkish?" "What do they want?" "They want Koo!" "Tsak!" "Thank you..." "He wants me to put on the bell." "Too bad." "I'll put it on, Vladimir Nikolayevich, if it makes him happy..." "Go ahead!" "OK, fine..." "I'm going to smoke, please permit me to pass..." "Relax, relax!" "Vladimir Nikolayevich, perhaps we really are on..." "Yes!" "Typical Martians." "Lusenka, dearest, troublemaker..." "You had to have those ...macaroni." "So." "We know Russian." "Why was it necessary to conceal this?" "We weren't concealing." "It's very hard to understand a language, when you're thinking in two languages." "And that Patsak is talking all the time in languages, the rest of which he doesn't know." "What are you staring at?" "Maimoona verishvilo." "They know Georgian too..." "What did he say?" "Monkey son of donkey." "So." "We're from the Soviet Union, here on a cultural exchange." "Our people know we are here, and are looking for us." "If you do not let us contact our embassy, you will have big problems, got it?" "We don't understand 'embassy'." "You better put on Tsak right now!" "So, you understand Macaroni, you understand Maimoona, but you don't know what an embassy is..." "Quit jerking us around already, got it?" "You thought about Macaroni, and I simply repeated it." "This is not Earth, or Africa, friend." "This is planet Plyuk, 215 in Tentura, galaxy Kin Dza Dza in the spiral." "Got it?" "That's just great..." "Put on the bell, friend..." "Come on" "There you go... good boy." "Excuse me, where are we?" "Sh!" "She has very sensitive ears." "Do you know Tentura coordinates for your planet?" "Tentura?" "Well, tell us the number of your galaxy in the spiral." "In the spiral?" "In the spiral." "The spiral..." "Yes..." "You know, the Earth is where..." "It orbits with such planets as..." "Venus, Saturn, Mars, Jupiter" "What others, Vladimir Nikolayevich?" "Ursa Major." "Vladimir Nikolayevich - come here." "On your planet do you have more matches?" "We have some" "How many will you give us if we put you back there?" "How many do you need?" "Two full match boxes like these!" "Seven!" "Seven." "Give us what you have now, I will buy a Gravitsapa with them." "Sorry, but what is a Gravitsapa?" "Gravitsapa, is the thing without which the Pepelats can fly only like this, but with one - to any point in the Universe in five seconds." "Guys, why would you take a Gravitsapa-less Pepelats out of the garage?" "It's not right" "We had a Gravitsapa, but when we came to this planet it was stolen." "Aha." "Excuse me, would you happen to have a space travel machine?" "No." "No." "Give me the matches." "Give me some water." "Like this!" "You need to do this!" "You need to do this!" "Do this..." "This is yours." "From now on you smoke like this." "Thank you." "He says they have a Gravitsapa." "Put your matches here." "Here's what we are going to do." "When you put us back on Earth, you'll get this... and this..." "What do you mean?" "Lets go, Skripach, to outer space" "Stop!" "Give it back." "Give it back!" "On Mother Earth you'll get them." "Vladimir Nikolayevich!" "You said if we give you a lift, you'll give them all to us." "And now you've stolen one match from us." "Patsak shouldn't cheat another Patsak, it's not nice, friend..." "I said - give us a lift to the town!" "And what's this?" "A shed." "And what's this?" "What's this?" "What's this here - not a town?" "!" "Quit jumping around." "Show us this Gravitsapa." "If it's a brand name - we'll take it." "Patsak!" "What kind of idiots would accept contraband Ktse from me in front of eye witnesses, when they could get a life term laying on nails for it?" "Have you got any brains in your head?" "We'll buy it ourselves." "Lets go." "Stop!" "I said stop!" "Who are you?" "I am asking, who are you?" "Alien Foreman." "No." "You're a Patsak." "And who are you?" "I'm a Georgian." "No, You're a Patsak too." "You're a Patsak, you're a Patsak and he's a Patsak." "But I'm Chatlanian, and they are Chatlanian." "So you put on the Tsak and sit in the Pepelats, understand?" "What?" "Watch when I point this device at myself, friend... which point registers?" "Green." "Now at him, watch - green too." "And at you..." "Green." "Now look at Uef - which colour?" "Orange?" "Because he is Chatlanian!" "Well, do you understand?" "What?" "Plyuk is the Chatlanian planet." "Therefore we, Patsaks, must wear the Tsak..." "Yes, and in front of the Chatlanians you must do this..." "Vladimir Nikolayevich, it's unashamed racism." "Show us again, please." "Like this!" "If you would, a little slower..." "Like this." "Vladimir Nikolayevich, you have a wife back home, a straigt-F student son, a cooperative flat you haven't paid for, and here you are... messing with us This could end badly, friend." "OK, Skripach, let's play along..." "Good boy." "Now give the match back to Uef, and he will buy the Gravitsapa." "But he said that you need all of them." "I was joking." "Very funny." "Wait." "We'll go together..." "Don't show them your Ktse, and don't think about them." "You show them my Ktse." "And don't give them more than half a match." "Gravitsapa costs half a match." "Your Patsak said a whole match." "He was also joking." "Grade 300 cement?" "Patsak!" "Remember - half or less." "Okay." "Excuse me, Chatlanian and Patsak - is it nationality?" "No." "Biological factor?" "No." "Persons from other planets?" "No." "So what the difference between them?" "Are you color blind, Skripach?" "Can't you tell apart green color from orange?" "Tourist!" "Eh!" "Skyscraper!" "Come on, come on... do as I showed you..." "Hello, miss." "Aren't you chilly in that coat?" "They aren't letting me in, they are letting you in alone." "Don't give them Ktse, bring the Gravitsapa here, and I'll look at it." "Go on..." "Not you!" "We're together!" "Not you!" "Vladimir Nikolayevich, tell him!" "It's alright." "Wait here." "Only don't go anywhere!" "Hi" "How's life?" "You want me to curtsy... well, out of respect for the ladies present..." "Well, what's new on Plyuk?" "Lay down the Ktse, and you'll get the Gravitsapa." "Half?" "Half." "Can I have look?" "Go ahead." "Actually, I am not a specialist on these Gravitsapa." "Let's go and show it to my Chatlanian, he'll check in." "Right, we'll just put the Tsapa on." "Sore throat?" "Water..." "I have a proposal." "I'll give you that Ktse, and you give me two bottles of water." "Agreed?" "OK." "Do you have any food?" "Porridge..." "What kind?" "Plastic." "Here, I give you this whole Ktse, and you get me 5 bottles of water, and 1 kilo of porridge." "What's this?" "Ktse." "We need to check it again." "So check it!" "Hey, just a second!" "One moment..." "Skripach!" "Can you get matches on Earth?" "I can." "If you can spit this farther, I'll give you half a Chatl." "Here... with this." "If I can, you give me two matches...." "Got it?" "No." "It's a simple game." "I give you half a Chatl, you give me three matches on Earth." "Here, spit, sonny." "Thanks, but I don't want to." "Fine." "You put up one match, and I'll put up three Chatl, yellow pants, and this much head start." "Come on!" "No!" "Blue pants..." "Mr. Uef, I will not do this under any circumstances." "Is that your final decision?" "So why are you messing with my head then?" "Maimoona verishvilo!" "Mr. Uef!" "I am a representative of a civilized planet, and I demand that you mind your lexicon!" "Where are they?" "Who?" "The one with a scar." "Like an idiot, I gave him all the matches." "Stop it guys." "Enough!" "Enough?" "What do you mean enough?" "I told him a thousand times we need to go to the center." "But he's greedy, like all Chatlanians - 'for two Chatlas cheaper!" "'" "There's still one left." "As far as I understand it, enough for a Gravitsapa." "Give it to me." "Here." "Why?" "To buy a Gravitsapa." "Where?" "There, in the center." "And how will you return us to Mother Earth, when you don't even know in which galaxy it spins?" "The number of your planet, idiot, any planetarium in the center will give you for two Chatlas!" "Give me the match..." "So you could cover us in sand?" "So you won't give it?" "No." "Is that your final decision?" "Couldn't be any more final." "Then goodbye, friend." "They'll leave, Vladimir Nikolayevich." "They won't go anywhere, they would choke themselves for a match." "Either you give us that match now, or we won't take you to Earth for less than seven boxes!" "Two thousand." "Three" "Two thousand three hundred" "Three" "Two thousand five hundred, I can't give you more." "You can, friend." "Mr Bee," "I have 50 rubles." "Matches cost 2 kopeks a box, that means I can buy two and a half thousand..." "Skripach is lying!" "He has more Chatls." "Mr. Uef!" "I am not Skripach to you!" "My name is Gedevan Alexandrovich..." "What's there, the engine?" "Don't poke your nose in every hole!" "...Gedevan Alexandrovich..." "Gedevan, let's tie up these lads now and lay in a course North." "Why?" "What if the waters of Mediterranean Sea are splashing there?" "Ha ha, Vladimir Nicolaevich, have you gone out of your mind, friend?" "Where would there be any seas on Plyuk?" "They made Luts from them long ago." "Sorry, they made what?" "Fuel, Skripach, fuel..." "Here, you owe us six thousand one hundred and forty boxes." "How come so many?" "You ate porridge, you drink water..." "and Bandura (musical instrument)." "Cross off Bandura... we aren't taking the Bandura." "Put it down..." "Let's take it - we'd be bringing back at least something technological, otherwise who would believe us?" "So trade them the violin, if you like it so much." "The violin is Italian, 18th century." "It costs 1000 rubles if not more." "How would I pay back for it?" "Skripach, instead of thinking that you're the first Georgian cosmonaut, and that you'll be a Nobel prize laureate, return the spoon you stole from destitute artists." "I wasn't thinking anything of the sort..." "I wanted to give it to the Institute of non-Ferrous Metals, in case it's something new..." "Heavens!" "The heavens have never seen as shameful Patsak as you, Skripach." "I am very deeply offended." "Where are you going?" "To the restroom." "You can't go to the restroom with money." "Leave money here." "Gedevan Aleksandrovich." "Ktse is very expensive, friend." "Why?" "Well, on Earth, how do you decide who should squat in front of whom and how many times?" "Well, you just have to eyeball it." "Savages!" "Listen, I like you, so I'll teach you" "If I have a little bit of Ktse, I have the right to wear yellow pants." "And in front of me a Patsak must squat not one, but two times." "If I have a lot of Ktse, I have the right to wear crimson pants, and Patsaks must squat twice before me, and Chatlanian must say Koo." "And Ecilop don't have the right to beat me at night - ever!" "I have a proposal, friend." "You give us the match now, and we'll bring you yellow pants later, OK?" "Thanks, I have some already, perhaps Skripach needs some." "Skripach!" "The aliens are offering pants, yellow." "Do you need any?" "Skripach is gone, friend." "How?" "I ejected him." "Don't worry, Vladimir Nikolayevich." "We have another escape pod, new one." "That one was broken anyway." "I don't understand..." "I pressed the button - he flew away." "Skripach is unnecessary, friend, he only consumes extra fuel..." "Turn around!" "Not possible..." "Luts is gone." "We need to fly to Luts station." "Turn around!" "Or I'll light this damned Ktse now!" "Gedevan!" "Skripach!" "Skripach!" "Where could he have disappeared to?" "We are telling you - the Ecilops caught him." "Let's get moving, friend." "Death would be too good for you." "Contact the Ecilops by radio!" "But we don't have a radio, we threw it out." "I am going to go check..." "Ecilop!" "Put on your Tsak, quickly..." "Put on your Tsak." "He can get bent" "Put it on, or he will Trankluk you." "You and the match." "Good day." "Listen, friend, we lost a young lad here, you haven't come across him?" "What?" "Oh!" "Sorry, I forgot..." "They say you picked him up." "Didn't I say we don't need Skripach?" "Didn't I say?" "What will we buy Luts with now?" "You're a troublemaker, friend..." "He's worse." "He's simply Kyoo." "Here's a proposal." "We find Skripach, and fly to the local Government..." "Bring a little sand, friend..." "We explain who we are, where we're from..." "They'll give us a Gravitsapa, and we'll organize some mutually profitable trade" "You give us yellow pants and we give you as much Ktse as you want." "To fly to the Government - we need to have a Gravitsapa." "The Government lives on another planet, friend." "Uncle Vova!" "I'm here!" "Here..." "Skripach!" "What!" "Where is that thing..." "Tsak?" "Yeah" "I have it." "So give it here!" "Why here?" "Just give it to me, I said!" "There's no-one here." "That's mine." "So keep it ready." "Are you asleep?" "No." "Don't lose heart, Skripach." "If there is a Gravitsapa on this Plyuk, we'll get it." "We've been through worse" "Quiet!" "Hey!" "Stop!" "Listen, give us a lift to the center?" "Patsak!" "Stop." "What?" "Don't come any closer." "Why do you want?" "Give us a lift to the center." "Three Chatlas.." "No money!" "But we'll work for it!" "And what can you do?" "Me?" "I can do everything!" "And what exactly?" "Vladimir Nikolayevich is a foreman, we'll build you a house" "And what can you do?" "Me?" "He can play the violin!" "Play..." "Play." "I can't!" "See you around, Patsaks." "Miss!" "Wait!" "I can play!" "Play!" "Here?" "There!" "Wait..." "I'll adjust the sound..." "Play." "And sing." "Wait, wait!" "How does it go..." "Mama, mama, what will I do..." "Cool!" "What?" "I said, 'Cool!" "'" "People like it." "What?" "People like it!" "Let me be a drummer." "How?" "Foreman!" "Skripach is unnecessary!" "Don't worry, he can be helpful." "Give us some water to drink, eh?" "I said, after the performance." "We could take it by force." "Then you'd have to ask us." "Oh!" "Touch me" " Ecilop will come and rip your legs off." "I don't give a damn about your Ecilop!" "Calm down, Skripach." "Don't provoke the lady..." "Foreman!" "Look..." "Alright, I got it." "Listen, do you know anyone with a Gravitsapa and a Pepelats?" "Why?" "He could drop us off on Earth, and we'd give you a big box of Ktse, and him..." "I understand that your people don't believe words, so what am I thinking?" "...that your wife is calling the morgues." "No, what exactly now am I thinking?" "That you'd repay." "Then it must be the truth." "What idiot on Plyuk thinks the truth?" "Absurd!" "Because you say what you aren't thinking and think what you aren't thinking, that is why you are sitting in cages, and this whole bitter cataclysm that I am observing here, and Vladimir Nikolayevich too" "Patsaks are supposed to perform in a cage, so we sit in a cage." "Why are you showing off?" "It's OK friend, we will sing beside the cage." "Get in the cage, he saw us - he'll Trankluk us." "We're not animals." "What?" "No you will get inside!" "Get inside!" "Let go!" "You will get in!" "Wait!" "Get in!" "Get in, or he will melt us!" "Okay, let's get in Skripach, seeing the way she is asking..." "Get in." "One two three..." "Dance!" "Dance..." "You know, try to find another ensemble... uncle." "What?" "I'll be back." "We've got to get out of here." "Boys, push the cart, it's uphill." "That we can do" "Give it some gas!" "See you, bastards!" "I'll let everybody know... what has become of this planet because of this buffoon PJ" "Patsaks are sitting on Chatlanian necks!" "So, is everything there?" "She stole the cologne." "Woman..." "Let me help." "Have you got lead in there?" "Let me, uncle Vova." "I don't even know where to look." "Which way is Earth?" "Galina Borisovna!" "Mr. Mashkov and I, as Patsaks, could receive two Chatlas for a performance - at most." "Water, Luts and bribes for Ecilops - a minimum of one Chatl a day." "And a Gravitsapa costs half a Ktse!" "That's two thousand two hundred Chatls." "Divided by 365, take off Saturday and Sunday we get six." "That means I couldn't return sooner than in six years!" "That's all very well, Gedevan Alexandrovich, but these are just words." "Where is the proof that you came back from outer space, and didn't sell the violin as Professor Rogozin alleges, and spent all this time at a disco in Gagry?" "Here's a mineral." "Here's a Chatl." "Here's a Tsak." "I attached the bolt and sand to the explanation memo and handed to Rayechka at Deans office, so that she would send it to UNESCO." "Where?" "UNESCO." "You are a grown man, Gedevan Alexandrovich." "You've studied for one semester and disappeared for years!" "Then you show up..." "With some pebble, some chip of old Caucasus ceramics, and a fishing bell!" "And you are demanding... well, besides that, if you have musical talent, then why didn't you participate in our amateur performers clubs?" "You will excuse me, Skripach, but this is elementary Koo (BS)!" "Part Two" "Abridged Chatlano-Patsak dictionary" "Ktse - a match Tsak - a small bell for the nose" "Etsikh - a box for prisoners Ecilop - representative of the goverment" "Pepelats - interstellar ship Gravitsapa - component of Pepelats motor" "Kyoo - a socially acceptable expletive Koo - all other words" "Hi." "Hello." "Long time no see." "Bye." "Hey!" "Hang on a sec!" "I've got a proposal!" "What?" "What?" "What are we thinking about you?" "Well?" "Read out minds." "Why are you bugging us?" "What do you want?" "Have you no shame?" "And you?" "We are poor, unfortunate, starving artists!" "What wrong have we done you?" "Why do you torment us?" "Give your Bandura here..." "Tune up..." "Like so." "Come on." "One, two. three." "Mama, mama, what am I to do?" "Mama, mama, how will I live?" "I don't have a warm coat," "I don't have warm clothes." "Shut up, you're tone deaf." "Mama, mama, what will I do?" "Mama, mama, How will I live?" "Uncle Vova, let's do it again." "They like it..." "They get it." "One, two..." "Ecilop!" "Artists, where is our bucket of bolts?" "Pepelats?" "Yes." "There..." "Luts ran out." "Because of you, bastard." "Skripach!" "What are you doing?" "Hooligan!" "Listen, leave me in peace, okay?" "Friend, that is someone's last breath, a grave" "It's a graveyard..." "Mate!" "You said you were good" "He's a braggart" "It was an unfair game" "You won through my brains" "If you had any brains, you'd be studying at MGIMO," "And not here pissing everybody off." "Let's play again" "For your violin, violin case, and tooth stick..." "And this!" "Okay?" "Okay!" "For your Bandura, Visator, and Mr. Uefs foundation of life" "We can" "Let's do it!" "Uncle Vova..." "You need to turn the Tsapa." "Then you do it!" "Not allowed, I'm a Chatlanian." "Get out of here" "When it comes to advice, you're all Chatlanians," "When it comes to work, though..." "Checkmate." "Unfair game" "You deliberately thought bad moves for me!" "You should play with your own brains then" "How can he play with his own brains, if he is seeing these dolls for the first time?" "Not my problem." "Give me my winnings." "Yeah right!" "Uef, have you ever seen that such a little Patsak could be such mercantile Kyoo?" "Never." "I was saying" " Skripach is unnecessary." "And here's the result." "Hey!" "Boss!" "..." "And you were saying Tsapa!" "So, on Earth, nobody sings in cages?" "Mr Bee, on Earth, only animals sit in cages" "Are animals..." "Chatlanians?" "I don't know." "They are similar, in any case..." "Is a nightingale..." "Patsak?" "Why a Patsak?" "You said it sings without a cage." "Well then he's a Patsak." "Ah!" "So you see, you have the same unashamed racism as here on Plyuk." "Except that the authority is not in the hands of Chatlanians, but Patsaks" "Just like you and your friend... nightingale" "Let me..." "Here, four gulps." "Give water to the youngster." "You owe us 6042 boxes." "Skripach, make a note." "I did already." "Do you want some?" "No" "It's free." "Hey!" "What are you doing?" "And me?" "And me?" "And me?" "And me?" "I'll give you ten more boxes, take some water for yourself..." "Kindza dza!" "A boat!" "It's not a boat." "It's a Luts station." "So lets refuel." "We can't." "This one's automatic, the next one has a woman attendant." "We'll sing and she'll give us a discount, get it?" "Quit slacking off, uncle Vova." "Come on, come on, friend..." "Come on..." "If there used to be a sea here, why aren't there any sea shells?" "Do you still have seas on Earth?" "Seas, and rivers," "And honest people, Mr Uef." "Savages." "You make me want to cry." "Mama, mama, what will I do," "Mama, mama, how will I live," "I don't have a warm coat," "I don't have warm clothes." "It's too bad my boss can't see me now," "He'd probably give me a raise." "Quiet, uncle Vova, she's watching us." "They took the woman out and put a machine in." "So take what you can with the money you have." "At least we'll fly part of the way." "Luts isn't sold in parts." "Luts is ten Chatls per load, but we have only seven." "How far from here to the center?" "160 km." "Uncle Vova, Uef has more Chatls," "In the right shoe..." "Hey, Chatlanian!" "What?" "Take off your right boot." "Why?" "Kyoo, you bastard!" "Squat down!" "Why?" "They're not Ecilops." "It's PJ with his Patsak." "If they find out that you didn't squat, it's a life term in a box with nails." "Who's he?" "Huh, did you see that?" "Yeah, it's a hologram, friend." "The violin!" "Calm down!" "Stand still!" "Quiet!" "And you say Koo." "It's not a blimp, moron!" "It's the last breath of Mr PJ." "Nonsense" "How could one person breathe out so much before death?" "Absurd." "Don't blaspheme." "PJ is alive!" "And I am happy." "And I'm happier still." "that's it..." "Come on, get inside." "Plastic?" "No." "Is there no normal entrance into this supermarket?" "The normal entrance you have to pay for with Chatls, friend." "Let's go, let's go already..." "Go away." "Skripach!" "Patsaks go there!" "What are they doing?" "This is Mr PJ's fourth pump." "I love PJ very much." "I 'Koo' him even more!" "Here they make water from Luts." "What are they yelling?" "Trading." "Trading what?" "Trading everything." "So lets buy a Gravitsapa!" "Gravitsapas are in another department." "First we need to find out Tentura coordinates of Earth." "Yellow pants... two times 'Koo'." "Think!" "Orbit diameter of your planet?" "I don't remember..." "Skripach, you do it" "No, Skripach is not necessary." "You do it!" "All right." "Specific weight of the core of your planet?" "Think." "Specific weight?" "Nope, can't remember..." "I see." "Names of planets in your galaxy, any that you know?" "Think." "Jupiter, Mars, Saturn, Venus..." "There was a crystal there!" "Where is the crystal?" "Skripach!" "Put it back in its place!" "I thought as it was just laying there... a piece of glass" "Stupid woman." "Enough." "Quit straining your brains, moron." "Here's the number for your planet 013 in Tentura." "To the left of Ursa Major" "If you want to talk, pay another Chatl." "Pardon?" "Think of your phone number, and tell them about matches." "...Hello!" "Hello, I am listening." "speak here..." "Hello!" "Hello!" "I'm listening, speak!" "Hello!" "Speak!" "Time is running out" "Hello!" "Lucy?" "Vovka!" "Can you hear me?" "It's me!" "Vovka, where are you?" "Well, I'm here..." "How are you?" "You..." "How's Cyril?" "Where are you, Vo..." "Where are you, Vovka?" "I'm here, at this place," "I'll explain everything later." "How's Mom feeling?" "Have you been to see her?" "I have..." "I am asking again, where are you?" "Listen, Patsak!" "Stop fooling around, run and buy two boxes of Ktse," "Or else we'll find him another..." "Get off..." "Lucy!" "Lucy..." "Lucy, Darling..." "Lucy, Lucy!" "Take the phone, right now, and ring Victor Manohin tell him that the keys to the plumbing storage are in my cabin, under that... under the cupboard." "Laying on the floor." "Did you get all that?" "Yeah, I got it..." "Please put me through to Batumi, 3-47-57." "Tell them to fetch Alec." "No, get bent you thief." "Is something wrong?" "It's alright, only Earth is too far way." "Instead of five, the Gravitsapa needs seven minutes to warm up." "So, let's go and get Tsapa ready for Gravitsapa." "Astronauts!" "Which one is Tsapa here?" "That rusty nut, friend." "Everything's rusty here." "That one is the rustiest." "Have you completely lost your minds?" "Would you look at that, Mama-mama, Lucy and Manohin are here, amazing..." "Uncle Vova!" "The match is in that hat!" "Strange, why would they fly off now?" "What's so strange?" "They've got the match, they can buy a Gravitsapa, and they know Earths Tentura!" "Mister Ecilop!" "Mister Ecilop!" "They've stolen our things!" "Arrest them!" "Arrest them!" "Forty Chatls." "We have no Chatls." "Everything is with the tour guide." "And the violin they took is somebody else's." "And they didn't 'Koo-Koo' in front of PJ's video" "What are you staring at?" "What are you staring at?" "I'll let your boss know that you knew and did nothing," "You'll be tranklukated to hell!" "Got it?" "I didn't do nothing!" "I pressed the button straight away!" "Skripach is a witness." "All hands!" "Apprehend and bring here a bucket of bolts on wheels" "There's nothing in it." "Open it." "Show me." "It's vinegar." "none of your business" "Patsak will be tranklukated," "Chatlanian - a life term in a box with nails." "Brothers, brothers, fellow Patsaks." "Tell the truth, how I squatted." "How this Chatlanian pressed the take off button." "Shut up!" "Uncle Vova, please..." "Shut up, you parasite!" "Shut up yourself!" "Vovka, friend!" "Gedevan Alexanych!" "Don't listen to him!" "Tell them that it was him!" "He didn't squat!" "No..." "And I'll give Pepelats to you." "Uncle Vova!" "Pepelats is mine!" "Mine!" "Quiet!" "Calm down!" "...one moment" "No one insulted anyone..." "Everyone squatted, like Macaques." "I was wrong." "And I brought the Ktse." "What Ktse?" "The match, which you took out..." "from the hat." "There wasn't a match." "There wasn't." "Uncle Vova, what's with you, friend?" "Sorry, I forgot." "There was no match." "There wasn't..." "Life term in a box for both, without nails, but with a fine." "The fine is 500 Chatls, 250 each." "Thank you!" "Patsak!" "You glue the violin back together and sing the songs!" "Skripach!" "You work the Bandura!" "Guys, we were just kidding with the match, we just wanted to make you happy." "Good bye ...sings an old Russian folk song..." "Earthman, Hello!" "I am certain that one day you will reach this planet." "Greetings from Vladimir Nikolayevich Mashkov, foreman from Moscow, and Gedevan Alexidse from Batumi, who were the first to set foot on these villainous sands in the back alley of the Universe." "Brother Patsak, throw in some more of that plastic there is just water in there." "Tell him to give me something else for it then" "Perhaps when you get here someone who knew me will still be alive." "Tell them that I didn't steal the violin." "Look!" "Good as new!" "There's another little bit left" "It happens..." "It happens..." "High calorie?" "Earthmen!" "How could you press the button like that?" "I could barely find you." "Good thing I have good memory." "Here's your sock back, thank you." "If you want, I can take you back to Earth." "I found out your number in Tentura." "Only hurry, because one second here is half a year there." "Then I have a proposal..." "We transport to Earth now," "Procure some matches," "Come back here and sell them," "Bail out our friends," "We go to Moscow, and you go home." "I can't, I have only three charges left." "That's okay." "It's exactly enough times to go there, here, and back again." "And me?" "Listen, friend..." "Decide it, yes or no?" "I'll count to three..." "One..." "Two..." "Hold on a second, put yourself in my shoes" "They are in a box because of me." "And my baby son already has a beard!" "Two and a half!" "Two and a half!" "I..." "I can't do it." "Three." "Oh!" "Who needs it all?" "Tsak-schmak!" "It's all crap!" "And we..." "Where did you get this from?" "Eh?" "It was just laying on a shelf in the planetarium..." "Skripach, my kleptomaniac, you've stolen a Gravitsapa!" "Patsaks!" "Patsaks!" "Why are you singing standing up here?" "Standing up is allowed only over there." "Ecilop wouldn't let us in there." "But here it's only on your knees." "Never mind" "You've still got to pay us." "Well, come on..." "Come on, behave." "Uncle Vova, your jacket is coming, in my hat." "Hi!" "How's life?" "What's new... on Plyuk?" "Sing!" "It seems I am out of voice today." "Sing!" "Vladimir Nikolayevich, I can't take this any more..." "Relax, Skripach." "How much is that?" "One hundred." "Seems like we've sung enough." "And what's that there?" "Fifty." "Ecilop!" "Patsaks!" "Why aren't you in muzzles?" "Turn around!" "Orders from Mr. PJ - all Patsaks must put on muzzles... and be happy." "So, that's for me and that's for you." "And that's for you." "Why aren't you happy?" "I am asking you" "Draw your weapon, Chatlanian." "Put them on, then..." "I'm doing it..." "I'm happy." "Ha ha." "Oh, look, PJ is here!" "Where?" "Get up!" "Get up!" "Open your mouth!" "Wider!" "Skripach, gag!" "Quickly!" "Turn round!" "Nose!" "Give me the money!" "Okay..." "Hold this, like so..." "And take that off" "If you think that this gadget is not a tranklukator it will be the last thought in your Chatlanian head!" "Shortest route to the prison..." "March!" "Everyone lay down for half an hour!" "Forward!" "Forward!" "Quicker!" "Excuse us, Granny..." "That's PJ Mom" "Do you see that?" "That's him" "Everyone, into the tub, quickly!" "Open the door." "And stay there for 24 hours!" "Koo, or not?" "Here..." "What number?" "The latest." "Hi" "Hey, Chatlanian!" "Sing!" "Stop it, Skripach..." "Roll out the one next to last." "Be gone!" "Hello, Gedevan Alexandrovich." "Gomardzhoba (hello in Georgian)." "Come out." "We can't." "They'll catch us." "Stop!" "We have a Gravitsapa." "Cut it." "Right here." "Throw your weight on it!" "Uncle Vova!" "Help me roll the box out!" "Leave it!" "Vladimir Nikolayevich!" "Mankind spent a thousand years trying to get a little rock from the moon, and here's a living extraterrestrial, and a box... made of an unknown metal." "Leave it, I said!" "Tsapa." "Ay ay, Tsapa." "Tsapa!" "It's working!" "So are we flying?" "Seems like it." "Brothers, hurry up, they'll be after us soon!" "Don't interfere." "We've landed." "Landed where?" "Khanut." "What Khanut?" "Planet, where I was born on." "And me." "Night." "It's always night here now." "Put this on for now." "Why?" "There's no damned air here at all." "So how do you live here?" "Nobody lives here for a long time." "The Plyuk's trankluked it while we were away on a tour." "Why?" "Because we didn't get them first." "And why would you want to get them?" "So that they wouldn't be hanging over our heads." "And everybody perished?" "Of course." "Vovka, I have a proposal." "Right now planet Khanut is pennies worth." "63 Chatls." "We go and sing 'Mama' around the galaxy for a month, then the planet is ours." "In another month - we'll buy air." "93 Chatls." "Those without air will be pouring in here." "The air is ours." "They'll be crawling on all fours, and we'll be spitting on them." "What for?" "For fun!" "Where's the fun in that?" "He's still young" "Half the planet's yours, half ours." "Okay?" "Tempting, of course..." "But we need to get back to Earth, guys." "Come on, let's hurry, the supermarket closes in half an hour." "Vovka, you just relax..." "Take a look." "We're here." "Here's Earth." "And here's Alpha." "They make cactuses from us on Alpha." "Earth is in anti-Tentura, friend." "And there's no way we can reach it, understand?" "How can that be?" "Just like that, my whole life I was unlucky" "Pepelats can't get to Earth." "Enough talking... is that clear?" "Let's go divide the planet." "You found this out at the planetarium?" "Yes, friend." "...that's why you stole the match" "Of course." "They're lying, uncle Vova." "Don't believe them." "Take us to Earth, and that's it!" "No, Gedevan, they're not lying." "They'd crawl on all fours across the whole Universe for those matches" "Vovka!" "Don't joke like that..." "The oxygen here is two percent of normal." "Gedevan..." "Don't, you're still young." "You should live still." "Maybe things will change..." "Skripach is not necessary, uncle Vova." "Hey, Patsak!" "You are going to kick the bucket now anyway, so tell the truth for once in your life." "Why didn't you go with that idiot when you could?" "What did you want?" "Crimson pants?" "PJ's pool?" "Tell me, what?" "Gedevan, you tell me." "You can tell me, I am a friend." "I had a Georgian mother." "He says his Mom was a local Georgian." "Uef!" "Do as you wish, but I will 'Koo' them to Alpha." "And you, scruffy Chatlanian, put on your Tsak!" "And squat when you speak to a Patsak!" "Khanut is a Patsak planet, friend." "Repeat once again." "You eject us on Alpha, and try to brake in its orbit, and then..." "Like hell we'll be able to brake there." "Don't interrupt..." "Go on, friend." "On Alpha, when they transport us to Earth, we need to keep a finger on the bottom of the space travel machine so that it would stay with us." "On Earth we should buy you four bulk packages of matches." "Go on, friend." "How many times do we have to repeat the same thing?" "Let's get going, if we are going..." "I'll be planted in a pot because of you for the rest of my life" "And you are too lazy to open your mouth an extra time" "Brothers!" "Dear, good, friends..." "Either let's get going, or at least shut the door." "I can't stand the sight of you any more," "I already feel nauseous." "Farewell, friend." "we are off..." "Brake!" "Brake!" "Brake!" "How can I brake when you drank all the brake fluid?" "Alcoholic!" "He'll poison himself" "Turn off your antlers!" "They won't turn off." "Then take them off." "They'll break" "It seems we've landed." "Just like last time." "OK, put on your gas mask." "What about Tsak?" "No, they'll have to tolerate us without it." "Earth!" "...sings the same old Russian folk song again..." "Nope... not Earth." "Hello!" "We're Patsaks from planet Earth." "And you are...?" "This is planet Alpha." "Tell your co-ordinates to Decont, and she will transport you to your point of departure." "Best wishes." "The number of your planet, if you'd be so good." "013 in Tentura." "It's here..." "Somewhere near here" "There." "To the left of Ursa Major." "That is not necessary." "If you would, hold your hands." "Miss, what did you do with those...?" "Into the small hall of the greenhouse." "Please." "You..." "Hold your hands!" "Do you really make cactuses out of people?" "Only out of Plyukanians." "Oh, but they're not Plyukanians." "They're Khanutians." "That is not important." "Please put on the breathing masks." "What for?" "You have clean air." "That is precisely why." "Huh, get a load of her" "Calm down, put it on, Gedevan." "In the name of my planet, I am begging you let them go, please" "Who around here could resolve this problem?" "Abrodox." "But..." "So, take us to him." "Go on, or else I'll take my mask off and start breathing your air." "You shouldn't worry." "Our greenhouses provide an excellent environment." "Blossoming, micro-climate, quiet." "it's enviable" "Then why are you, darling, running around on the grass, and not sitting in a pot?" "Would you be so kind to look where you are going you've already stepped on three saplings." "Friend!" "We have a big favor to ask you." "You can stop right there." "No." "Being neighbors with Kin-Dza-Dza is our misfortune." "They are consumed with passions ...carnal." "Continuation of their lives as plants is a blessing for them." "And for everyone else." "Perhaps we could send for them and ask them what is a blessing for them and what isn't?" "Well if we were to give them an opportunity to make decisions, then..." "Missy, are you the most intelligent species?" "Did someone tell you that, or did you decide for yourselves?" "Let's not waste time like this." "You are creatures from anti-Tentura," "Therefore, I am obligated to send you to your point of departure, or send you back in time to the moment when you can decide your own fate." "Choose." "Pardon, I didn't catch that." "To what time?" "To the past... on Plyuk." "Let's do it like this..." "One back to Earth, and another to the past." "Vladimir Nikolayevich, I won't let you go to Plyuk alone." "Listen, mister, send us back in time" "How much time did I spend glueing the violin together, about 50 minutes?" "50 minutes" "Brother Patsak, a guy with a sock is going to come soon" "Tell him to jump to prison for us." "Do you know where it is?" "Of course" "So you'll show him where" "Give me something else then." "Everyone rest for half an hour!" "Thank you, friends." "Keep playing, keep playing... guys." "Skripach, it's time!" "Again you haven't left, Bastards." "Again." "Come out." "No way." "We are better off here than on Alpha." "Go on, pull them out." "Soon someone will bring as a space travel machine." "Vladimir Nikolayevich, you owe us 11000 boxes." "Skripach wrote it down." "Eleven thousand and twenty." "I have a proposal." "Vovka!" "You and I are transporting to the Supermarket now, and then after we've bought everything..." "There won't be any 'after'." "We are going to Earth only." "Forever?" "Forever." "Me, on a planet where they don't even know who should squat in front of whom?" "Nonsense" "Give us the Gravitsapa and do what you want." "Uncle Uef." "Uncle Bee." "You'll have such a reception there..." "No, Gedevan!" "When a society doesn't differentiate based on the color of pants, then there is no point." "And if there is no point..." "Brothers." "Enough philosophizing." "He's going to be here now." "Come on, decide." "With us or not?" "Give us the Gravitsapa, OK?" "Give it to him." "It's too bad" "Well, let's say goodbye..." "I got used to you, it seems" "Me too." "Well, take care." "Friends, Patsaks!" "Here's your sock, thank you." "If you wish..." "Friend!" "What system have you got there?" "May I have a look?" "An ordinary system." "Press the button and you are home." "Hi" "Hi." "What's new?" "pipes burst on Manohin's site" "How's the A student?" "He's out ..." "Vovka, pop out for some bread" " I forgot, eh?" "And pick up some macaroni?" "Mister..." "Mister, how can I get to Old Arbat?" "That way, to the right." "Thank you." "...Skripach?" "Uncle Vova?" "...Skripach!" "Uncle Vova!" "Mama, mama, what will I do?" "The End"