"CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Phill Jupitus!" "CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" "David Mitchell!" "CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" "Jimmy Carr!" "CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" "And Alan Davies!" "CHEERING AND APPLAUSE let's hear your eyes." "Phill goes... sir'." "Aw!" "Cabin boy." "LAUGHTER" "David goes..." "'Eyes to the right.'" "Jimmy goes..." "MARCHING 'And..." "left!" "'" "Alan goes..." "I like you ve-e-ry much LAUGHTER" "I think you're grand... #'" "Ah..." "lots of "I"s!" "Good." "And don't forget to keep your ears peeled for an elephant... you're looking at a bonus." "Those are your elephants." "Well done." "Very obedient." "Put them away now." "Or...maybe that was a clue to our next question." "Who knows?" "Here it comes." "What would you use one of these for?" "or what is it meant for?" "LAUGHTER isn't this for fish?" "Getting things out of fish?" "An interesting thought." "are they?" "They're pretty squidgy." "Unless the fish is still alive." "Fish don't blink..." "which is the main eye defence. it may be a lion." "Is this the Albanian army knife?" "HE PUTS ON ACCENT "I do two things." "I poke and scoop." "I like the word "scoop"." "Scoop?" "It's for scooping fish eyes out." "Not for scooping out fish eyes but for scooping something." "great clogs." "More than a finger end can manage." "Earwax." "In the morning when you..." "Oi!" "What did you say?" "'# I like you ve-e-ry much. #'" "Earwax." "Is the right answer!" "APPLAUSE" "No." "Thanks a bunch!" "That as well?" "!" "in fact." "this is a modern version." "Know what they're called?" "Earwax scoopers." "or ear curettes." "anyone buying a Bic Biro... though. and it makes the head disappear completely." "and oil breaks down the surface tension of the bubbles yes." "he's gonna do it." "I can't hear anything." "The problem isn't the scraping out of the ear matter but the disposal." "Where does one put it?" "it doesn't taste nice!" "LAUGHTER What have I said?" "it is bitter." "it's the greens of the meal..." "Eat up your earwax!" "isn't it?" "not the audience's." "It's actually gone in." "LAUGHTER" "If you squirt Fairy Liquid - thinking of the surface tension thing - won't they?" "it's like the ground has turned to liquid." "the morons!" "what can you tell me about Q-tips?" "Don't put them in your ear." "They're better than these things." "Do you know who invented them?" "Mr Q and Mr Tip." "It was actually a man called Leo Gerstenzang..." "So it wasn't Quincy Tippington?" "..when he saw his wife using toothpicks with cotton wads for their baby's ear." "Do you know what the original name was for them?" "Baby..." "Baby spears." "Baby something." "Baby Gays." "Baby Gays?" "!" "Baby Gays." "G-A-Y-S." "Are they still called Baby Gays in other places?" "Because I imagine if a foreigner comes here on holiday "Have you got any Baby Gays?" they'd be put on some sort of register." "They would!" "You're right." "Unilever produces a year?" "42 trillion. 2 billion." "3 billion. 4 billion." "25½ billion." "Billion?" "!" "A year." "That's a lot." "how can we tell who is whose child just by looking at their ears?" "LAUGHTER the parents of the child" "Step away from my child." "Stop looking at his ears." "I had to have a child's head on my body all day." "Was it exhausting?" "I've got a cracking pair of tits!" "then." "I feel really left out." "I'm sorry." "the dog or something?" "you could also be the parent of that child." "though?" "What is it about your ears that is particular?" "but less than average." "Is it a lobe thing?" "It's a lobe thing." "Your lobes are all attached." "They don't hang." "you mean they're not sort of over there somewhere?" "They're attached lobes." "They go straight down." "You don't have an actual lobe." "You have a lobe?" "Yeah." "A little flappy lobe that I can do that to." "stop it!" "It's more common to have a lobe than not to." "put your hands up if you've got a little flappy lobe." "please. afraid it's a dead giveaway." "this is turning into Kilroy." "Well done." "LAUGHTER the parents are the ones in the shell suits having a fight in the car park." "Ohhh!" "APPLAUSE" "something is amiss." "though." "Why wake them up?" "They're not yours." "Exactly." "LAUGHTER what's the best way to date a cod?" "Where...did you find..." "a slutty fishmonger?" "There are plenty. "All these whores of the sea can be yours!" "they fly out the shop." "come on." "I thought of Lady Penelope there." "Something to do with..." "something to do with eyes or ears." "so... they have an ear bone." "They have an ear bone?" "!" "They have an ear bone." "But what's interesting is that you can age a cod to within a day which is a year." "and it helps give us a sense of which way our head is up." "it gets this calcium carbonate build-up. you can tell its age to within a day." "they were just..." "That ended in disaster." "The deaths of many young people." "the cod wouldn't cooperate." "It was theoretically possible but the organisational challenge was too great." "even if they will lie nicely on the surface." "It's true." "you know." "then slide on them for a bit..." "The best journey to America ever." "A bit like wheelie trainers." "by counting the rings in its ears." "and what are they for?" "MARCHING 'And..." "left!" "'" "Hey!" ""All the better to hear you with." "'# I like you v-e-e-ry much. #' two elephants are being played." "And you are right! but what's interesting about the size of those flaps is that they're nothing to do with hearing." "sir.' they cool them." "do you see how veiny they are?" "and they can reduce the temperature of their blood by up to ten degrees Fahrenheit and send it round the rest of their body." "Wonderful air conditioning system." "waggling your ears." "it's not right up there." "They've got tusks if they wanna get properly aggressive." "That's true." "It's a first warning shot across the bows." "I think it's a bit flirty. so maybe it is flirty." "for you to get it right about whether an elephant is being aggressive or flirty." "is that the kind of relationship you wanna get into?" "Surely that is a lose-lose." "Aggressive or randy? you don't wanna get covered in that." "You don't wanna be appealing to a randy elephant coming up behind you." "presumably more aggressive..." "Dynamite in the sack." "really." "would a bit of rough music stop you beating your wife?" "LAUGHTER" "Is this the kind of light-hearted image we have of beating your wife?" "!" "Yeah." "Sounds like a leading question in a police interview." "Would some music stop you beating your wife?" "it might actually." "Gotcha! condemns you." "naturally. beating your wife?" "It's YOUR wife." "It's like keying your own car." "LAUGHTER" "Society just got a tiny bit worse." "I like to think I can help. in which they would come round to his house at midnight and they would bang on buckets and kettles and make a terrible row. humiliating them in such a way that they would presumably often be run out of town. or allowing yourself to be henpecked was considered a punishable offence for men." "got carried around." "It's like a carnival. we don't know where..." "That's the disabled person in the village." "He wants to join in." "They were very PC in the past." "Unusual disability in that he can't get his leg down." "That picture is called 1865." "the one on the chair." "being carried." "He can play two instruments." "The pan and the stick." "anyway... what happens if an earwig gets into your ear?" "'Eyes to the right.' and you form a sort of symbiotic relationship with it." "and we've never been happier." "ALARM" "what a shame you got forfeited for that." "like that." "though?" "Is that why they're called that?" "Well..." "It's an interesting thing." "It may be because the back of their body looks like the kind of pincers people use to pierce ears with." "a "pierce-ear"." "Lots of words for earwig in other languages are the same as the word for scissors." "It just looks useless having that at the back end." "doesn't it?" "You want it at the front." "That's true. think about how much worse it would be if it was a goose." "LAUGHTER" "Geese..." "And they all come out in this hour...geese everywhere!" "They're gorgeous when they come out." "Fluffy and little." "PHILL HONKS" "Yes!" "I'm a goose mother!" "HE HONKS" "The idea that earwigs crawl into people's ears and lay eggs or bore into their brain but a very widespread one." "Now pin back your lugholes for another dose of the half-baked hearsay please." "Why was it hard for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle?" "'Eyes to the right.'" "This is...isn't this..." "this is because it was a gate?" "Wasn't it?" "ALARM" "No." "says it's easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle these were the days before liquidisers." "So there was no chance of pureeing up the thing and getting a straw..." "It would be a mess but it would be do-able." "This is a rich man we're talking about." "He would have people to do this for him." "Well...that can't be right." "Surely?" So there are two get-out clauses." "One was this idea that there was an Eye of the Needle gate in the Jerusalem city walls so a needle's eye could be 40 or 50 foot across. which is still going and it turns out is talking bullshit... where they don't like you to get on the wrong side of rich people. it's about as easy for a rich man to get into heaven as to get a planet into a shoe." "LAUGHTER He was actually saying then the camel went in easy as you like." "if it's diamonds... so diamonds were worth more." "Good point." "the diamonds in the crown jewels were hired." "The king of England wasn't rich enough to own enough diamonds for one poxy coronation." "That's how expensive diamonds were." "Can you hire diamonds?" "Of course." "all the actors hire diamonds." "wouldn't it?" "I've just rented this for a week." "Let's see how things go." "that is precisely what..." "Jesus was being sarcastic." "you're going to hell. that it was easier to put a rope through... easier to get a camel through." "wouldn't it?" "Phill." "I don't think this is going to happen." Miaow!" "I know that." "From experience?" "if you put something at the bottom like a bit of tuna." "and you end up with a lovely bottled cat." "To take to your party." "so I brought a cat." "What about a cat in a balloon?" "if you just opened it up..." "What about the claws?" "Elastoplast." "LAUGHTER that's just silly." "the text means exactly what it says." "There's no evidence for a gateway called the Eye of the Needle." "how many eyes does a four-eyed fish have?" "Two." "One." "Four." "Eight." "How many points have I lost?" "ALARM which is right." "So I get the points back!" "Definitely." "It's two eyes." "They're called four-eyed fish in many places." "Cos they wear glasses." "there it is." "That's not hot." "Named by a scientist with a stutter. each of them. while the bottom halves are looking down." "it's a bit of a bastard." "You find them in Mexico and northern Spain." "was he?" "He was not expecting that when he's looking up and looking down." "What are your chances of survival in a plane crash? it's more or less true." "Statistically..." "It swings on the whistle on the life jacket." "That's probably what saves the lives. help doesn't seem to have come." "I know..." "FEEBLE WHISTLE that's all right." "Here come the American army now." "It does rely on someone having selective hearing." "but..." Can you imagine anything more... peep." "What they should give..." "everyone gets a different note." "LAUGHTER" "If you get a little songbook... ..Didn't make it." "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE we can do this show right here!" "I heard an urban legend about the brace position." "They want you to put your head between your legs to preserve the dental record." "I don't think it's true." "I heard that as well." "Why don't they just tell people that?" "you'd like to be identified." "Bite down hard on your own armrest." "there were 568 plane crashes... 207 survived." "is getting seat belts off. people revert to trying to undo them the way that's familiar to them in the car." "So it is very unlikely. the emergency services can see in through the windows. can any of you name who in over 30 adaptations of Treasure Island played Captain Flint?" "Isn't Captain Flint not in Treasure Island?" "there are two." "Oh... there are two..." "'Eyes to the right'." "It's the parrot." "The parrot is Captain Flint." "Laurence Olivier the parrot." "Pieces of eight"?" "there(!" ") LAUGHTER" "Parrot is here." "that's where it is!" "Because many people have parrot blindness." "It's a terrible affliction." "Pieces of eight"?" "Something to do with pirates and silver." "Yes... they often divided the silver Spanish dollar into eight pieces. is called...?" "A quarter." "LAUGHTER they call it "two bits"." "So two pieces of eight." "I like After Eights." "Do you?" "I'd bring you one." "and I got sent a box of it." ""I wish I'd said After Eights. invented that pirate voice." "You know the pirate voice that everyone does?" "but that wasn't the first adaptation." "There were silent ones...there are 30." "Perhaps the best voice." "that's all!" "The first adaptation with the voice." "you." "I thought it was interesting that he..." "Everyone knows it's Robert Newton's voice..." "Does everyone know that?" "!" "Of course they do." "which is dedicated to Robert Newton." "seems totally natural." "Arrr. to the scores." "Whoa..." "Just listen to this." "Last... is David Mitchell!" "APPLAUSE" "You did well." "But you did fall for a couple of them." "And only just ahead with minus 10 is Jimmy Carr." "APPLAUSE Phill Jupitus!" "APPLAUSE" "do your ears deceive you?" "Alan Davies!" "CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" "Alan and me." "that is neither ear nor there..." "I met a guy this morning with a glass eye." "it just came out the in conversation." "LAUGHTER Good night." "APPLAUSE" "Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd" "Email subtitling@bbc.co.uk"