"So, who gets the last waffle?" "Oh." "Oh." "I think it should go to the person who was the most sexually extraordinary last night, don't you?" " I agree." "Thank you." " Okay." "Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa." "You were good, but, um, I think I was just a little bit better." "You're full of yourself this morning." "I was wondering if you would do something for me." "I'm trying to imagine what I wouldn't do for you." " Mm-hmm." " No, I'd do that." " Mm?" " Definitely do that." "That I'd have to be pretty drunk for, and even then, it would be a little dicey." "Yeah, not that..." "Yet." "Soon." "No, there's a gala for the hospital" "Sunday afternoon, and I'd love for you to come." "A gala for the hospital?" " Mm-hmm." " That..." "Shouldn't be a problem." "My boss will be there." "It's kind of a big-deal event." "Yeah, that shouldn't be a problem." " I go every year." " Mm-hmm." "And it's always plus-one." "And everyone's always like, "where's your plus-one?" ""why are you alone?" I just never had a plus-one that I wanted to bring." "And this year I do." "That shouldn't..." "Shouldn't be a problem." "That's three "shouldn't be a problems"" "and zero "I'd love to come."" " Three to zero?" " Mm-hmm." "That was the score of the A's game last night." "Well, I know." "Hey, Will!" " Mm." " Oh, hey!" "Hey, bud, little... busy times." "Busy times." "I just wanted to remind you that my birthday is this Saturday." "Got it." "Okay." "We'll see you later." " Hi, Dr. Sam." " Hey." "You must've gotten here early." "Is that Will's shirt?" "It fits you differently." "Oh, sweet, a waffle!" "Okay, buddy, I'm gonna circle around the old birthday thing and figure something out that's real good, and in the meantime," " I'd like you to leave." " It's fine." "You can give me my present anytime." "I'm not having a party." "What... what do you mean you're not having a party?" "New kids at school don't typically throw parties, especially when they're convinced no one will come." "I don't even want to hear it." "I'm talking to your madre, and we are throwing you a bash, okay?" "Now scram, for real." "Oh, Marcus, are you pressuring Will into giving you a... oh, hello, Sam." " Didn't see you there..." " Hi." "Pants-less in front of my 11-year-old." "Well, she's in my house, and it's the morning." "Oy!" "Are you eating a waffle?" " One can dream." " Will..." "You know he is gluten intolerant." "Ah, know he's gluten intolerant, but to be fair, I'm not exactly clear on what gluten is." "Well, how does he normally react to gluten... bloating, rash, diarrhea?" "It was, like, sexy in here, like, 20 seconds ago." "I get none of those symptoms when I eat gluten at Will's." "Maybe Will is my cure." "If you haven't had him tested, you might want to," " just to make sure." " Mm." "Darling, could you just hop back through the wall, please?" "I think I'm, uh..." "I'm gonna go put some clothes on." "Yeah, okay." "This has got to stop." " What?" " Now, listen..." "We have a no-store-bought-gift policy in our family." "I would actually love it and be shocked if you honored that." "We're gonna table the whole gift thing." "We are throwing him a party." "It's... it's a very nice idea, Will, but you can't imagine how painful" "Marcus' birthday parties have been." "Really?" "What did he do... pin the tail on the wrong part of the donkey?" "On his fifth birthday, I got him a hamster, but I forgot to troubleshoot the neighbors' cat." "So he ended up watching his present be ingested." "On his eighth birthday," "I got this clown to come and perform, but it turned out he had surprisingly fierce political views, and he ended up egging me." "Last year might've been the worst." "I substituted baby carrots and apple slices for candy in a piñata, which I thought was a lovely idea." " It was." " I can't really talk about the ensuing melee." "Let's just say we're in a new city." "It's a fresh start." "If we throw him a party, it cannot be another birthday catastrophe." "I know you're worried that no kids will show up, but they will, and I'll be there, and Will at your party means fun at your party." " Is that your slogan?" " Yeah, it could be." "Listen, it's been two days since Fiona sent out the e-vite, and no one is coming." "That is quite bad." "But if I can get this cool kid Jackson to come, others will follow." "I'm so creeped out by what we're doing." "We're two grown men lurking outside of a... hello, ma'am." "How are you?" "Yeah, we're waiting for our child." "Lurking outside of a middle school, waiting to accost some child that we don't even know so we can invite him to Marcus' birthday." "We're not lurking." "We're just standing here, okay?" "We're leaning." "We're just leaning against a car, dude." "That's... that's all we're doing." "Oh, dude, stop... stop leaning, man." "I thought you said to lean." "You have a super-creepy lean." "Just stand." "Just stand." " Fine." " Oh, there's Jackson." "Here, let's go." "Come on!" "Okay, people have been arrested for far less than this." "Yo, Jackson." "What's up, man?" "I'm Will, Marcus' neighbor." "How you doing?" " This is, uh..." " I'm no one." "I have no name." "I mean, I'm a cool guy, though." "I-I have kids." "I mean, I don't... they're my kids." "I don't have them." " What's going on here?" " Oh, nothing's going on, man." "We're just wondering, are you going to Marcus' party on Saturday?" "I was, but Mitchell Cook's party's on the same day." "Oh, there's our answer." "Let's get out of here." "No, no, but you're Marcus' sleepover bro, man." "Why aren't you going to his party?" "Marcus is cool in a weird way, but Mitchell's party is gonna be hype." "It's gonna be, uh..." " He say hype?" " Hype?" "Swimming pool, DJ, a grilled-cheese truck." "That's, like, no big deal." "Standard." "A game truck, seven giant gaming stations, a leather couch, laser lights..." "Surround sound." "That is dope." "That's our generation's version of "hype."" "No one outdoes a Will party." "This just got personal." "Yes!" "Oh, hi, Dr. Sam." "Will said you'd be here, and I wanted to be the first to greet you." "You should know that our doors are always open to you." "Thank you, Marcus." "You're an excellent greeter." "So did you save any lives today?" "I bet you did." "I think you have the coolest job ever." "Did you know one of my real-life dreams was to ride in an ambulance?" "I didn't, but..." "I want to be just hurt enough that I get to ride in an ambulance, but not so hurt that I'm not consciously aware of it." "Yeah, I'm thinking..." "Strained knee or maybe even a mild concussion." "You are a genius." "Oh, he's not here." "But I'm expecting him shortly." "I see." "I took your advice and flooded my system with gluten." " You did what?" " I, uh..." "I flooded my system with gluten." "Or to put it in laymen's terms," "I had three hot dogs, without the dog part." "Not only do I tolerate gluten," "I frickin' love it." "My apologies for cussing." "No, darling, you are gluten intolerant, because you were diagnosed by that wonderful shaman we met on kibbutz in hod hasharon." "You know, many food allergies are misdiagnosed." "Yes, by many medical professionals." "And shaman nonprofessionals." "Mm." "Oh." "Uh, I need to talk to you." " I've been waiting for you." " I really need to talk to you." "Sam." "I would love to come to the gay-la." "Gala." "Gay-la?" " Gala." " Gala." "Does that word trip anyone else up?" " No." " I would love to come," "I wouldn't miss it for the world." "Thank you." "Let's hold that thought." "Get in here." "All right?" "Okay?" "Take off any clothes you want, okay?" "You're coming with me." "A game truck?" "Not "a" game truck." ""The" game truck... seven gaming consoles, leather couches, speakers that will make their tiny little ears bleed with joy." "And this sounds desirable to you?" "Not desirable." "Hype!" "It is antisocial and promotes violence as entertainment." "Okay, fine." "What is your idea of entertainment?" "And please don't answer if it's a terrible answer." "What I want to do is something that will bring all the children together as one and allow them to be the creative beings that they are naturally, and it is making beautiful, nontoxic bubble shapes..." "Together." "And, of course, if some of the children want to whisper a hope and a dream into the bubble before they release it into the universe," " even better." " That is..." "So much worse than I expected." " What?" " Listen..." "We got to move the party, and we got to make it hype!" "Stop saying "hype." I'm not moving the party, and I'm not compromising the integrity of the party by making it a mind-suck on wheels just to lure guests." "Okay, that's fine." "That's fine." "But please know that when the party is me, you, and Marcus sitting around blowing hope bubbles into the world, my hope will be to be at Mitchell's party..." "Or dead." "I got to say, it's pretty impressive, will." "You do the right thing by Dr. Sam." "Then you do the right thing with Fiona by convincing her to move the party." " Pretty good stuff." " I still have to find something hype to draw people to Marcus' party." "I mean, anything remotely hype is already booked" " I got something hype." " What do you got?" "You know what I got." "Oh, no." "Andy, no." "Don't e..." "Andy, I beg you, please don't do this!" "Andy!" "Stop it!" "Andy, stop it!" "Andini, master of illusion!" "We retired Andini." "Ooh." "Oh." "Definitely not hype." "No, listen, Sanjeev," "I don't mind paying a bit more for nontoxic bubble soap, but, I mean, it's got to work, hasn't it?" "Look at that." "I mean, you can't see what I'm looking at, but there's no bubbles." "It's just costly soap, isn't it?" "How high can the hot-air balloon be over the house, and how many people can bungee jump at the same time without slamming into each other?" "That's not happening!" "Let me..." "Let me call you back." "Okay, we are... we are totally screwed." "I mean, every cool party thing has been booked months in advance." "We're not screwed." "I sent out an e-vite with the new date and time, and two people already RSVP'd in the affirmative." "Marcus barely knows one of them." "They're not his top choices, but still, they are warm bodies coming to celebrate his birthday on Sunday afternoon, right?" "There we go." "We can build on that." " Okay." " Okay, cool." "What... you said you moved it to Sunday afternoon?" "That's when you did it?" "Yeah, that's what we agreed." " That's what we agreed on." " Yeah." " Yeah, I was just making sure." " Great." "Same time as Sam's gay-la." "Gah-la." "Take a look around, play some games." "I got to go take care of the cupcake truck" " for another party." " Okay, sweet, thank you." "Yep." "You said we were meeting with a holistic party planner." "What's he gonna do..." "Reiki, while you jack a car on Grand Theft Auto?" " I'm leaving." " Listen..." "I know you hate everything about this truck." "But Marcus will love it." "All his friends will too." "So, if you say no to it, the calamity is on you." "And I may egg you." "Oh, my God." "All right." "Now we're talking." "Here we go." "Where is this guy?" " Any questions?" " Oh, hey." "Uh, no questions whatsoever." "We want it." "We will take it Sunday at 1:00 P.M., please." " You kidding me?" " No, we're not kidding." "We're serious as a Chelsea/Arsenal shootout." "Well, we're booked up all day Sunday." "Well, how much do you charge an hour?" "$350 for two hours." "The balls on you to charge that much!" "I'll give you $500 for two hours." " It's booked." " $1,000 for two hours." " Oh." " I hear myself saying "booked."" "Do you not hear me saying "booked"?" "I hear myself saying $2,000 for one hour." "Will." "Get..." "Excuse us for a second." "Come on... just come here." " 2,500." " Stop it!" "Are you insane?" "I screwed up, okay?" "I can't even go to this party." "What are you talking about?" "Sam invited me to this event on Sunday, and I told her I'd go." "You know, it's really important to her..." " Oh, my God." " And she wants me there." "And I thought, like, if at Marcus' party, there's just, like, a few stragglers and I'm not there, he's gonna be super bummed, but if there's this awesome game truck packed with his buddies..." " you know?" " All right." "I'll just tell Sam I won't go." "I-I'll just tell her I won't go." "No, Will, no." "You're trying to do a nice thing, I know." "But you've got a commitment to Sam." "You've got to honor that." "Now we've got to get this truck, right?" "Now we have to get the truck." "All right, I'm gonna go talk to him." "No, 'cause your money's no good." "Just..." "Let me try." "Hello." "I just wanted to apologize for my crass friend trying to bribe your patronage." "That's okay." "I've seen it all." "Have you?" "I bet you have." "I was just wondering, because I really need to rent your mobile gaming establishment, if there was anything that I could say..." "Or do..." "To make you change your mind." "I'm listening." "Uh, maybe you could perform some sort of scheduling switcheroo, and if you did that, you would make me a very grateful..." " Woman." " Really?" "How grateful?" "The most grateful woman..." "Short of actually having to perform any sort of sex with you." "Would that work?" "I'd like to help you out, but Sunday's my nephew's birthday." "I mean, I don't especially like the kid, but I got to give him the truck." "Well, then what'd you make me do all that for?" "I don't know..." "I was kind of enjoying all the attention." " You're kind of hot." " Bloody hell." "Want to get a beer sometime?" " Ride the wiener truck?" " No." "Perfect birthday for my Marcus." "Listen, I don't want you to get all concerned about what's going on over there, okay?" "Your party is going to be great." "Okay?" "We got you a magician who's super..." "Interesting, and we got your mom to acknowledge medical facts, and you're gonna be eating a cake that has gluten in it." "No sugar, but, you know," "I hear agave is pretty good." "And then, you know, you got four confirmed party guests of varying degrees of popularity, and, you know, I know that doesn't sound like a-a big number, but..." "Are you kidding?" "That's the best number I've had since my party at the kibbutz." "And those people were required by the Torah to come." "And truthfully, I really only care that my best friend will be there." "In case it's unclear..." "I'm referring to you." "Listen, Marcus, I got to talk to you about something." "I'm not gonna be able to be at your party." "You're... you're not?" "No, I really, really want to be there, man, but, see, Sam invited me to this gala, and she's real special to me too, and so I told her I'd be there." "You know, you and I will celebrate another time, and it'll be like having two birthdays." "Oh, and in the meantime, I got you a pretty crazy gift that I think is gonna make your mom freak." "Do you want to open it now?" "Thanks, Will." "I'll..." "I'm gonna open it later." "Ugh." "Better than the kibbutz." "Whoa, this is insane." "and you look ridiculously beautiful." "I thought you were gonna wear scrubs with some nice earrings, maybe a little rouge." "Okay, no woman has said "rouge" since 1954." "But thank you." "Hey..." "I'm really glad that you're here." "Me too." "Hey, not with all these people watching." "Oh, I don't care who sees us." "My boss is here." " Dr. Sam." " Ah." " Hi." " Well..." "Look who finally brought a plus-one to the party." "Yeah, that's not a big deal, Bev." "Oh, it's a huge deal." "Everybody's checking you out, but, you know," "I'm the only one who'll say something." "You're looking good, Will." "Oh, thank you, Bev." "So are you." "Thank you." "And we will be dancing." "Oh, as long as it's a slow dance, I'm in." "Oh." "Be still my heart." "Let's go in." "Come on." "Hi." "Dr. Samantha Lake." "What are you doing?" "I can't be here." "What do you mean?" "I got to go to Marcus' birthday party." "But we're here." "I told everyone you were coming." "My boss is right over there." "I know, I know, and I know how much this means to you, but his party is a total disaster, Sam, and it is all my fault." "Will, you know I like Marcus..." "A lot." "And I love that you do things for him." "But you always leave me to go do them." "Which is great for Marcus, and it's great for you, but it's... it's not so great for me." "I-I don't want to be the one that's always left alone." "You're 100% right." "I don't want you to be alone either." "I never want you to be alone." "But this little guy, like, really needs me today, and I got to be there for him." "I'm so sorry." "I-I am so sorry." "I just hope you understand." "Ha ha ha!" "Please observe." "Oh!" "There wasn't a flower." "Now there's a flower!" "Nothing?" "All right, okay." "You know, I didn't fall in love with Andy." "I saw Andini, Master of Illusion, doing magic down by pier 39, and I thought, "that man needs me."" "And look at him now." "He's a better man because of me." "Still not the greatest illusionist, though." "Tell me about it. it's hard to watch." "Is this..." "Is this your card?" "No, Andy." "It's Andini, Master of Illusion." "If you could call me that, that'd be great." " Is that your card?" " No, Andy." "This is your card." "No." "This is your card!" " No, it's not." " It is your card!" " Okay?" "It is!" " Is this your card?" "Will, you're here!" "The party is saved!" "Great." "Two crappy magicians." " What?" " Let's go." "Yeah, we're out of here." " Worst party ever, Marcus." " Uh..." " Yeah." " And so it continues." "Okay, hold on, kids." "I'm in charge now." "Back to the table right now." "Who wants to see me pull a rabbit out of this hat?" "You're not gonna do it." "In the name of magic," "I got to ask you to cease and desist." "This is my trick." "Abracadabra, hocus pocus." "No, don't do that!" "No, no, no, no, no." "Agh!" "Oh!" "Get it off!" "Get it off!" "Aah!" " The rabbit!" " Where's the rabbit?" "Bloody hell, that's good service." " Where did..." " Where'd the rabbit go?" "A serious emergency has been reported... some kids not having fun at a birthday party?" " A real ambulance?" " Yes, it is." "And hey, Marcus, if you want, we can take your friends on a ride." " Yes, yes, yes, yes." " Take the ride now!" " Let's ride!" " Yeah!" " Yes!" " Let's go, let's go!" "You have no idea how happy I am..." "To see you." "Come on, Will, let's ride!" " Oh!" " Eew!" "That's nasty." "Dr. Lake, call came in." "Your boyfriend's rabbit made its way over to Elm Street, caused a Fender bender." "Hey, birthday boy." "Flip the siren." " Yeah!" " Whoa!" "I got to ring the siren, and Sam let me hold the E.K.G. paddles." "We wanted to shock Andini, but..." "We couldn't keep him down." "Don't worry, darling." "You know, he lives with Laurie, so there's no shortage of pain in his life." "It's time to open it." "Oh, Will, I don't need a present." "I already had the best birthday of my life." "Just open it." "Is this outside the store-bought-present policy?" "Oh." "A hammer." "Wow." "Just, uh, just... just wow." "There's more to it." " I was kind of hoping." " Come here." "Sweet." "I've always wanted my own pile of wood." "It's not just a random pile of wood, Marcus." "Together, with some other wood and maybe some tools, we are gonna build a tree house!" "Good luck topping this, future birthday parties." "Do you have any idea how to actually build a tree house?" "Mom, it's Will." "Of course he doesn't, but we're gonna build it anyway." "Sounds hype." "Does it still count as a homemade gift if I pay someone else to do it?" " No." " I didn't think so."